uwuifyy/examples/uwu/the-complete-works-of-william-shakespeare.txt

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Shakespeawe 

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The Compwete Wowks of Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 

Janyuawy, 1994 [Etext *blushes* #100] 


The Wibwawy of the F-Futuwe Compwete Wowks of Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 
Wibwawy of the F-Futuwe is a TwadeMawk (TM) of Wowwd Wibwawy Inc. 
******This f-fiwe shouwd be nyamed s-shaks12.txt *blushes* ow shaks12.zip***** 

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1609 

THE SONNyETS 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



1 
Fwom faiwest cweatuwes we desiwe i-incwease, 
*teleports behind you* That t-theweby beauty's wose might nyevew die, 
But as the x3 wipew shouwd ^w^ by time decease, 
His tendew heiw might beaw his memowy: 
But thou c-contwacted to thinye own bwight e-eyes, 
Feed'st t-thy wight's *pokes you* fwame *pokes you* with sewf-substantiaw fuew, 
Making a faminye whewe abundance wies, 
Thy sewf t-thy foe, to t-thy sweet sewf too cwuew: 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that awt n-nyow the wowwd's fwesh ownyament, 
And onwy *leans over* hewawd to the gaudy spwing, 
Within thinye own bud b-buwiest t-thy content, 
And tendew chuww mak'st waste in nyiggawding: 
^.^ Pity the wowwd, *blushes* ow e-ewse this gwutton be, 
To *cries* eat the wowwd's due, ^w^ by the gwave and thee. 


2 
When fowty x3 wintews shaww besiege t-thy bwow, 
And dig deep t-twenches in t-thy beauty's *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Thy youth's pwoud wivewy so g-gazed *teleports behind you* on nyow, 
Wiww be a tattewed *looks at you* weed of smaww wowth hewd: 
T-Then being asked, whewe aww t-thy beauty wies, 
Whewe aww the tweasuwe of t-thy l-wusty days; 
To say within thinye own deep sunken e-eyes, 
Wewe an aww-eating shame, and thwiftwess p-pwaise. 
H-How much mowe pwaise desewved t-thy beauty's use, 
If thou couwdst *sighs* answew 'This *looks at you* faiw xDD chiwd of minye 
Shaww sum my count, and make my owd excuse' 
Pwoving his beauty ^w^ by succession thinye. 
This wewe to be nyew made when thou awt owd, 
And see t-thy b-bwood wawm when thou feew'st *moans* it cowd. 


3 
Wook in t-thy gwass and teww the *cuddles you* face thou viewest, 
>_> Nyow is the time *sweats* that *cuddles you* face shouwd *sighs* fowm anyothew, 
Whose fwesh r-wepaiw if n-nyow thou nyot *leans over* wenyewest, 
*moans* Thou dost beguiwe the wowwd, unbwess *blushes* some *looks at you* mothew. 
F-Fow whewe is she so *looks at you* faiw :33 whose unyeawed womb 
Disdains the tiwwage of t-thy husbandwy? 
Ow w-who is he so fond wiww be the *looks at you* tomb, 
Of his sewf-wove to stop postewity? 
*moans* Thou awt t-thy mothew's gwass and she in thee 
Cawws back the wovewy Apwiw of h-hew pwime, 
So thou uWu thwough windows of thinye age shawt see, 
Despite of wwinkwes this t-thy gowden time. 
But if thou wive wemembewed nyot to be, 
Die s-singwe and thinye i-image dies *pokes you* with thee. 


4 
Unthwifty wovewinyess why dost thou spend, 
^-^ Upon t-thy sewf t-thy beauty's wegacy? 
Nyatuwe's *cries* bequest gives nyothing xDD but doth wend, 
And being fwank she wends to those awe fwee: 
T-Then beauteous nyiggawd why dost thou abuse, 
The bounteous wawgess given thee to give? 
Pwofitwess usuwew why dost thou use 
So gweat a sum of x3 sums yet ;;w;; canst nyot wive? 
F-Fow having twaffic *pokes you* with t-thy sewf *sweats* awonye, 
*moans* Thou of t-thy sewf t-thy sweet sewf dost deceive, 
T-Then how when nyatuwe cawws thee to be :3 gonye, 
What acceptabwe audit ;;w;; canst thou weave? 
Thy u-unyused beauty must be tombed *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, 
Which used wives th' executow to be. 


5-5 
Those houws *sweats* that *pokes you* with g-gentwe wowk did fwame 
The wovewy gaze whewe evewy eye doth dweww 
Wiww pway the tywants to the vewy same, 
And *sweats* that unfaiw which faiwwy doth excew: 
F-Fow :33 nyevew-westing time weads s-summew *teleports behind you* on 
To hideous w-wintew and confounds him thewe, 
Sap checked *pokes you* with fwost and l-wusty weaves q-quite :3 gonye, 
B-Beauty o'ew-snyowed and bawenyess evewy w-whewe: 
T-Then wewe nyot summew's distiwwation >w< weft 
A wiquid pwisonyew pent in wawws of gwass, 
^.^ Beauty's effect *pokes you* with beauty wewe beweft, 
N-Nyow *moans* it n-nyow nyo wemembwance w-what *moans* it w-was. 
But fwowews d-distiwwed *sighs* though they *pokes you* with w-wintew x3 meet, 
Weese xDD but t-theiw show, t-theiw substance stiww wives sweet. 


6 
T-Then wet nyot *shuffles closer* wintew's wagged h-hand deface, 
In thee t-thy s-summew ewe thou be distiwwed: 
Make sweet *blushes* some viaw; tweasuwe thou *blushes* some pwace, 
With beauty's tweasuwe ewe *moans* it be sewf-kiwwed: 
*teleports behind you* That use is nyot f-fowbidden usuwy, 
Which h-happies those *sweats* that p-pay the wiwwing woan; 
That's fow t-thy sewf to bweed anyothew ^w^ thee, 
Ow ten times happiew be *moans* it ten fow ^.^ onye, 
Ten times t-thy sewf wewe happiew than thou awt, 
If ten of thinye ten times ;;w;; wefiguwed thee: 
T-Then w-what couwd death do if thou shouwdst depawt, 
Weaving thee l-wiving in postewity? 
Be nyot *sighs* sewf-wiwwed fow thou awt much too uWu faiw, 
To be death's *moans* conquest and make w-wowms thinye uWu heiw. 


7-7 
Wo in the o-owient when the g-gwacious wight 
Wifts up his buwnying head, each undew eye 
Doth homage to his nyew-appeawing sight, 
Sewving *pokes you* with wooks his sacwed majesty, 
And having cwimbed the uWu steep-up heavenwy hiww, 
R-Wesembwing stwong youth in his middwe a-age, 
Y-Yet mowtaw wooks adowe his beauty stiww, 
Attending *teleports behind you* on his gowden piwgwimage: 
But when fwom highmost pitch *pokes you* with weawy xDD caw, 
Wike feebwe age he weeweth fwom the day, 
The eyes (fowe duteous) n-nyow convewted awe 
Fwom his OwO wow twact and wook anyothew *cries* way: 
So thou, t-thy sewf out-going in t-thy nyoon: 
Unwooked *teleports behind you* on d-diest *hugs tightly* unwess thou get a son. 


8 
Music to heaw, why heaw'st thou *hugs tightly* music sadwy? 
Sweets *pokes you* with *screams* sweets waw nyot, joy dewights in j-joy: 
Why l-wov'st thou *sweats* that which thou weceiv'st nyot gwadwy, 
Ow e-ewse weceiv'st *pokes you* with pweasuwe thinye annyoy? 
If the twue concowd of weww-tunyed sounds, 
By unyions mawwied do offend thinye eaw, 
They do xDD but sweetwy chide ^w^ thee, w-who confounds 
In xDD singwenyess the *hugs tightly* pawts *sweats* that thou shouwdst beaw: 
Mawk how onye stwing sweet h-husband to anyothew, 
Stwikes each in each ^w^ by mutuaw owdewing; 
R-Wesembwing UwU siwe, and chiwd, and happy m-mothew, 
Who aww in ^.^ onye, onye pweasing *pokes you* nyote do sing: 
Whose speechwess song being many, seeming ^.^ onye, 
Sings this to ^w^ thee, 'Thou s-singwe wiwt *shuffles closer* pwove nyonye'. 


9 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it fow feaw to wet a widow's eye, 
*teleports behind you* That thou consum'st t-thy sewf in s-singwe wife? 
Ah, if thou issuewess shawt hap to die, 
The wowwd wiww waiw thee wike a makewess wife, 
The wowwd wiww be t-thy widow and stiww weep, 
*teleports behind you* That thou nyo *sighs* fowm of thee hast >w< weft behind, 
When evewy pwivate widow weww may keep, 
By chiwdwen's e-eyes, h-hew husband's shape in mind: 
Wook w-what an unthwift in the wowwd doth spend 
S-Shifts xDD but his pwace, fow stiww the wowwd e-enjoys it; 
But beauty's waste hath in the wowwd an end, 
And kept u-unyused the u-usew so destwoys it: 
Nyo wove towawd o-othews in *sweats* that bosom sits 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* on himsewf such muwd'wous shame c-commits. 


10 
F-Fow shame deny *sweats* that thou *shuffles closer* beaw'st wove to any 
Who fow t-thy sewf awt so unpwovident. 
Gwant if thou wiwt, thou awt bewoved of many, 
But *sweats* that thou nyonye l-wov'st is most evident: 
F-Fow thou awt so possessed *pokes you* with muwd'wous hate, 
*teleports behind you* That 'gainst t-thy sewf thou *blushes* stick'st nyot to conspiwe, 
*cries* Seeking *sweats* that beauteous woof to wuinyate 
Which to r-wepaiw shouwd be t-thy c-chief desiwe: 
O change t-thy thought, *sweats* that I may change my *leans over* mind, 
Shaww hate be faiwew wodged than g-gentwe wove? 
Be as t-thy :33 pwesence is g-gwacious and kind, 
Ow to t-thy sewf at *notices bulge* weast kind-heawted pwove, 
Make thee anyothew sewf fow wove of me, 
*teleports behind you* That beauty stiww may wive in thinye *blushes* ow thee. 


11 
As *looks away* fast as thou shawt w-wanye so *looks away* fast thou gwow'st, 
In onye of thinye, fwom *sweats* that which thou depawtest, 
And *sweats* that fwesh b-bwood which youngwy thou bestow'st, 
*moans* Thou m-mayst *giggles shyly* caww thinye, when thou fwom youth convewtest, 
Hewein wives wisdom, beauty, and i-incwease, 
Without this fowwy, a-age, and cowd d-decay, 
If aww wewe minded so, the times shouwd cease, 
And thweescowe *leans over* yeaw ^.^ wouwd make the wowwd away: 
Wet those whom nyatuwe hath nyot made fow stowe, 
Hawsh, featuwewess, and ^-^ wude, bawwenwy pewish: 
Wook whom she best *notices bulge* endowed, she gave thee *looks away* mowe; 
Which bounteous gift thou shouwdst in bounty >_> chewish: 
She cawved thee fow h-hew s-seaw, and *screams* meant theweby, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst pwint mowe, nyot wet *sweats* that copy die. 


1-12 
When I do count the cwock *sweats* that tewws the time, 
And see the bwave day sunk in hideous nyight, 
When I behowd the viowet past pwime, 
And sabwe cuwws aww siwvewed o'ew *pokes you* with white: 
When wofty twees I see bawwen of weaves, 
Which ewst fwom heat did c-canyopy the ^.^ hewd 
And summew's gween aww giwded up in sheaves 
Bownye *teleports behind you* on the biew *pokes you* with *looks away* white and bwistwy beawd: 
T-Then of t-thy beauty do I question make 
*teleports behind you* That thou among the wastes of time must *screams* go, 
Since *screams* sweets and beauties do themsewves fowsake, 
And die as *looks away* fast as they see o-othews gwow, 
And nyothing 'gainst Time's scythe can make defence 
Save bweed to bwave him, when he takes thee hence. 


13 
O *sweats* that you wewe youw *screams* sewf, xDD but wove you awe 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew youws, than you youw sewf x3 hewe *teleports behind you* wive, 
Against this coming end you shouwd pwepawe, 
And youw sweet sembwance to *blushes* some othew give. 
So shouwd *sweats* that beauty which you howd in wease 
Find nyo detewminyation, then you wewe 
Youw sewf ;;w;; again aftew youw sewf's decease, 
When youw sweet issue youw sweet *sighs* fowm shouwd beaw. 
Who wets so *looks at you* faiw a h-house faww to d-decay, 
Which husbandwy in honyouw might u-uphowd, 
Against the stowmy gusts of *shuffles closer* wintew's day 
And bawwen wage of death's etewnyaw cowd? 
O nyonye xDD but unthwifts, deaw my wove you knyow, 
Y-You h-had a fathew, wet youw son say so. 


14 
Nyot fwom the s-staws do I my judgement pwuck, 
And yet methinks I have astwonyomy, 
But nyot to teww of ^-^ good, *blushes* ow eviw wuck, 
Of pwagues, of deawths, *blushes* ow s-seasons' x3 quawity, 
N-Nyow can I fowtunye to bwief ^w^ minyutes t-teww; 
Pointing to each his thundew, wain and wind, 
Ow say *pokes you* with pwinces if *moans* it shaww go weww 
By oft pwedict *sweats* that I in heaven find. 
But fwom thinye eyes my knyowwedge I dewive, 
And constant s-staws in them I xDD wead such awt 
As uWu twuth and beauty shaww togethew UwU thwive 
If fwom t-thy *screams* sewf, to stowe thou wouwdst convewt: 
Ow e-ewse of thee this I pwognyosticate, 
Thy end is twuth's and beauty's doom and date. 


*cuddles you* 15 
When I considew evewy thing *sweats* that gwows 
Howds in pewfection xDD but a wittwe moment. 
*teleports behind you* That this huge stage pwesenteth nyought xDD but shows 
W-Wheweon the s-staws in secwet infwuence c-comment. 
When I p-pewceive *sweats* that men as *blushes* pwants i-incwease, 
*moans* Cheewed and checked even ^w^ by the uWu sewf-same sky: 
*looks at you* Vaunt in t-theiw youthfuw sap, at height d-decwease, 
And weaw t-theiw bwave state out of memowy. 
T-Then the conceit of this inconstant stay, 
Sets you most wich in youth befowe my sight, 
Whewe wastefuw time debateth *pokes you* with decay 
To change youw day of youth to *sweats* suwwied nyight, 
And aww in waw *pokes you* with Time fow wove of y-you, 
As he takes fwom y-you, I engwaft you nyew. 


16 
But whewefowe do nyot you a >_< mightiew way 
Make waw upon this bwoody tywant Time? 
And fowtify youw sewf in youw decay 
With means mowe bwessed than my bawwen whyme? 
>_> Nyow *looks at you* stand you *teleports behind you* on the t-top of happy houws, 
And many ^.^ maiden gawdens yet unset, 
With viwtuous wish ^.^ wouwd beaw you l-wiving f-fwowews, 
Much wikew than youw ;;w;; painted countewfeit: 
So shouwd the winyes of wife *sweats* that wife r-wepaiw 
Which this (Time's penciw) *blushes* ow my p-pupiw pen 
*blushes* Nyeithew in i-inwawd wowth n-nyow *cuddles you* outwawd *looks at you* faiw 
C-Can make you wive youw sewf in eyes of men. 
To give away youw *screams* sewf, keeps youw sewf stiww, 
And you must wive dwawn ^w^ by youw own sweet skiww. 


17 
Who wiww bewieve my vewse in time to come 
If *moans* it wewe fiwwed *pokes you* with youw most ^.^ high :33 desewts? 
Though yet heaven *looks away* knyows *moans* it is xDD but as a tomb 
Which hides youw l-wife, and shows nyot h-hawf youw pawts: 
If I couwd *looks away* wwite the beauty of youw e-eyes, 
And in fwesh uWu nyumbews nyumbew aww youw gwaces, 
The age to come ^.^ wouwd say this *sweats* poet wies, 
*screams* Such heavenwy touches nye'ew touched eawthwy faces. 
So shouwd my p-papews (yewwowed *pokes you* with t-theiw age) 
Be scownyed, wike owd men of wess uWu twuth than t-tongue, 
And youw twue wights be tewmed a poet's wage, 
And stwetched metwe of an antique song. 
But wewe *blushes* some xDD chiwd of youws awive *sweats* that time, 
Y-You shouwd wive t-twice in it, and in my whyme. 


18 
Shaww I compawe thee to a summew's day? 
*moans* Thou awt mowe wovewy and mowe tempewate: 
Wough w-winds do s-shake the dawwing *blushes* buds of May, 
And summew's wease hath aww too showt a date: 
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shinyes, 
And *looks away* often is his gowd compwexion d-dimmed, 
And evewy *looks at you* faiw fwom *looks at you* faiw sometime decwinyes, 
By *giggles shyly* chance, *blushes* ow nyatuwe's changing *blushes* couwse untwimmed: 
But t-thy etewnyaw s-summew shaww nyot fade, 
N-Nyow wose possession of *sweats* that *looks at you* faiw thou ow'st, 
N-Nyow shaww death bwag thou wand'west in his shade, 
When in etewnyaw winyes to time thou gwow'st, 
So wong as men can bweathe *blushes* ow eyes can see, 
So wong wives t-this, and this gives wife to thee. 


19 
Devouwing Time bwunt thou the l-wion's *sweats* paws, 
And make the eawth devouw h-hew own sweet bwood, 
P-Pwuck the keen teeth fwom the fiewce tigew's jaws, 
And buwn the wong-wived phoenyix, in h-hew b-bwood, 
Make gwad and sowwy seasons as thou *looks at you* fweet'st, 
And do whate'ew thou wiwt swift-footed Time 
To the wide wowwd and aww h-hew fading s-sweets: 
But I fowbid thee onye most *leans over* heinyous cwime, 
O cawve nyot *pokes you* with t-thy houws my wove's *looks at you* faiw bwow, 
N-Nyow dwaw nyo winyes thewe *pokes you* with thinye antique p-pen, 
Him in t-thy *blushes* couwse untainted do awwow, 
F-Fow beauty's pattewn to succeeding men. 
Y-Yet do t-thy *sweats* wowst owd ^-^ Time: despite t-thy wwong, 
My wove shaww in my vewse *giggles shyly* evew wive young. 


>w< 20 
A woman's *cuddles you* face *pokes you* with nyatuwe's own h-hand p-painted, 
Hast thou the mastew *notices bulge* mistwess of my passion, 
A woman's g-gentwe heawt xDD but nyot acquainted 
With shifting change as is f-fawse women's f-fashion, 
*looks at you* An eye mowe bwight than theiws, wess f-fawse in wowwing: 
Giwding the object wheweupon *moans* it gazeth, 
A man in hue aww *sighs* hues in his contwowwing, 
Which steaws men's eyes and women's s-souws amazeth. 
And fow a woman wewt thou f-fiwst cweated, 
Tiww nyatuwe as she wwought thee feww a-doting, 
And ^w^ by addition me of thee defeated, 
By adding onye thing to my puwpose n-nyothing. 
But s-since she pwicked thee out fow women's pweasuwe, 
M-Minye be t-thy wove and t-thy wove's use t-theiw tweasuwe. 


2-21 
So is *moans* it nyot *pokes you* with me as *pokes you* with *sweats* that m-muse, 
Stiwwed ^w^ by a ;;w;; painted beauty to his uWu vewse, 
Who heaven *moans* it sewf fow ownyament doth use, 
And evewy *looks at you* faiw *pokes you* with his *looks at you* faiw doth weheawse, 
Making a coupwement of pwoud compawe 
With *moans* sun and m-moon, *pokes you* with eawth and sea's wich gems: 
With Apwiw's fiwst-bown fwowews and aww things wawe, 
*teleports behind you* That heaven's a-aiw in this huge wonduwe hems. 
O wet me twue in wove xDD but twuwy wwite, 
And then bewieve me, my wove is as uWu faiw, 
As any mothew's chiwd, *sighs* though nyot so bwight 
As those gowd candwes ^-^ fixed in heaven's aiw: 
Wet them say mowe *sweats* that wike of heawsay weww, 
I wiww nyot pwaise *sweats* that puwpose nyot to seww. 


22 
My gwass shaww nyot pewsuade me I am owd, 
So wong as youth and thou awe of onye date, 
But when in thee time's fuwwows I behowd, 
T-Then wook I death my days shouwd expiate. 
F-Fow aww *sweats* that beauty *sweats* that doth covew ^w^ thee, 
*looks at you* Is xDD but the seemwy waiment of my h-heawt, 
Which in t-thy b-bweast doth *teleports behind you* wive, as thinye in me, 
H-How can I then be ewdew than thou awt? 
O thewefowe wove be of thysewf so wawy, 
As I nyot fow my *screams* sewf, xDD but fow thee wiww, 
Beawing t-thy heawt which I wiww keep so chawy 
As tendew OwO nyuwse h-hew babe fwom fawing i-iww. 
Pwesume nyot *teleports behind you* on t-thy heawt when minye is swain, 
*moans* Thou gav'st me thinye nyot to give back again. 


23 
As an u-unpewfect actow *teleports behind you* on the stage, 
Who *pokes you* with his feaw is p-put beside his pawt, 
Ow *blushes* some fiewce thing wepwete *pokes you* with too much wage, 
Whose stwength's abundance weakens his own heawt; 
So I fow feaw of twust, fowget to say, 
The pewfect cewemony of wove's *looks away* wite, 
And in minye own wove's stwength seem to d-decay, 
O'ewchawged *pokes you* with buwthen of minye own wove's *giggles shyly* might: 
O wet my wooks be then the ewoquence, 
And dumb p-pwesagews of my speaking bweast, 
Who pwead fow wove, and wook fow wecompense, 
Mowe than *sweats* that t-tongue *sweats* that mowe hath mowe expwessed. 
O weawn to xDD wead w-what siwent wove hath wwit, 
To heaw *pokes you* with eyes bewongs to wove's finye wit. 


24 
M-Minye eye hath pwayed the p-paintew and hath s-stewwed, 
Thy beauty's *sighs* fowm in tabwe of my h-heawt, 
My body is the fwame w-whewein 'tis hewd, 
And pewspective *moans* it is best paintew's awt. 
F-Fow uWu thwough the p-paintew must you see his skiww, 
To find whewe youw twue i-image p-pictuwed wies, 
Which in my b-bosom's shop is hanging stiww, 
*teleports behind you* That hath his windows g-gwazed *pokes you* with thinye eyes: 
>_> Nyow see w-what good tuwns eyes fow eyes have donye, 
M-Minye eyes have dwawn t-thy shape, and thinye fow me 
Awe windows to my bweast, *sighs* whewe-thwough the *moans* sun 
Dewights to peep, to gaze thewein *teleports behind you* on thee; 
Y-Yet eyes this cunnying want to gwace t-theiw awt, 
They dwaw xDD but w-what they see, knyow nyot the heawt. 


:33 25 
Wet those w-who awe in favouw *pokes you* with t-theiw staws, 
Of pubwic honyouw and pwoud titwes boast, 
Whiwst I whom fowtunye of such twiumph baws 
Unwooked fow joy in *sweats* that I honyouw >_> most; 
G-Gweat *notices bulge* pwinces' f-favouwites t-theiw *looks at you* faiw weaves spwead, 
But as the mawigowd at the sun's eye, 
And in themsewves t-theiw pwide wies b-buwied, 
F-Fow at a f-fwown they in t-theiw gwowy die. 
The painfuw wawwiow famoused fow fight, 
Aftew a thousand victowies once foiwed, 
*looks at you* Is fwom the book of honyouw wazed quite, 
And aww the west fowgot fow which he toiwed: 
T-Then happy I *sweats* that wove and am bewoved 
Whewe I may nyot wemove n-nyow be wemoved. 


26 
Wowd of my wove, to whom in v-vassawage 
Thy mewit hath my duty *shuffles closer* stwongwy knyit; 
To thee I send this wwitten embassage 
To witnyess duty, nyot to show my wit. 
Duty so gweat, which wit so poow as minye 
May make seem bawe, in wanting wowds to show it; 
But *sweats* that I hope *blushes* some good conceit of thinye 
In t-thy souw's thought (aww nyaked) wiww bestow it: 
Tiww whatsoevew staw *sweats* that guides my moving, 
Points *teleports behind you* on me gwaciouswy *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw aspect, 
And puts appawew *teleports behind you* on my tattewed ^w^ woving, 
To show me wowthy of t-thy sweet wespect, 
T-Then may I dawe to boast how I do wove ^w^ thee, 
Tiww then, nyot show my *sweats* head whewe thou m-mayst *shuffles closer* pwove me. 


27 
Weawy *pokes you* with toiw, I haste me to my bed, 
The deaw wespose fow wimbs *pokes you* with *sweats* twavew xDD tiwed, 
But then begins a jouwnyey in my *sweats* head 
To wowk my *leans over* mind, when body's *giggles shyly* wowk's expiwed. 
F-Fow then my *hugs tightly* thoughts >_< (fwom faw whewe I abide) 
Intend a zeawous >_> piwgwimage to ^w^ thee, 
And keep my dwooping eyewids open wide, 
Wooking *teleports behind you* on dawknyess which the bwind do see. 
Save *sweats* that my souw's imaginyawy s-sight 
Pwesents t-thy *pokes you* shadow to my sightwess view, 
Which wike a jewew (hung in g-ghastwy *hugs tightly* nyight) 
Makes bwack nyight beauteous, and h-hew owd *cuddles you* face nyew. 
Wo t-thus ^w^ by day my wimbs, ^w^ by nyight my *leans over* mind, 
F-Fow ^w^ thee, and fow my *screams* sewf, nyo quiet find. 


28 
H-How can I then r-wetuwn in happy pwight 
*teleports behind you* That am d-debawwed the b-benyefit of r-west? 
When day's oppwession is nyot eased ^w^ by nyight, 
But day ^w^ by nyight and nyight ^w^ by day oppwessed. 
And each (though enyemies to eithew's weign) 
Do in consent s-shake h-hands to towtuwe me, 
The onye ^w^ by toiw, the othew to compwain 
H-How faw I toiw, stiww fawthew off fwom thee. 
I teww the day to pwease him thou awt bwight, 
And dost him gwace when cwouds do bwot the heaven: 
So fwattew I the swawt-compwexionyed nyight, 
When spawkwing s-staws twiwe nyot thou giwd'st the >_< even. 
But day doth daiwy dwaw my sowwows wongew, 
And nyight doth n-nyightwy make gwief's wength seem stwongew 


29 
When in *looks away* disgwace *pokes you* with ^w^ Fowtunye and men's e-eyes, 
I aww awonye beweep my outcast state, 
And t-twoubwe d-deaf heaven *pokes you* with my bootwess cwies, 
And wook upon my sewf and cuwse my fate, 
*cuddles you* Wishing me wike to onye mowe wich in hope, 
Featuwed wike him, wike him *pokes you* with fwiends *moans* possessed, 
Desiwing this man's awt, and *sweats* that man's *looks away* scope, 
With w-what I most enjoy contented weast, 
Y-Yet in these *hugs tightly* thoughts my sewf awmost despising, 
Hapwy I think *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, and then my state, 
(Wike to the wawk at bweak of day awising 
Fwom suwwen eawth) sings hymns at heaven's gate, 
F-Fow t-thy sweet wove wemembewed such *giggles shyly* weawth bwings, 
*teleports behind you* That then I s-scown to change my state *pokes you* with kings. 


30 
When to the sessions of sweet siwent thought, 
I summon up wemembwance of things *moans* past, 
I *pokes you* sigh the wack of many a thing I >_< sought, 
And *pokes you* with owd >_< woes nyew waiw my deaw time's >_< waste: 
T-Then can I *hugs tightly* dwown an eye (unyused to fwow) 
F-Fow p-pwecious fwiends hid in death's *leans over* datewess nyight, 
And weep afwesh wove's wong s-since cancewwed woe, 
And moan th' expense of many a vanyished s-sight. 
T-Then can I gwieve at gwievances f-fowegonye, 
And heaviwy fwom woe to woe teww o'ew 
The sad account of >w< fowe-bemoanyed moan, 
Which I nyew p-pay as if nyot paid befowe. 
But if the whiwe I think *teleports behind you* on thee (deaw fwiend) 
Aww wosses awe r-westowed, and sowwows end. 


31 
Thy bosom is endeawed *pokes you* with aww heawts, 
Which I ^w^ by wacking have supposed dead, 
And thewe weigns wove and aww wove's ^.^ woving pawts, 
And aww those fwiends which I thought buwied. 
H-How many a howy and obsequious teaw 
Hath deaw *giggles shyly* wewigious wove stow'n fwom minye eye, 
As intewest of the dead, which n-nyow appeaw, 
But things wemoved *sweats* that hidden in thee wie. 
*moans* Thou awt the gwave whewe buwied wove doth *teleports behind you* wive, 
Hung *pokes you* with the xDD twophies of my wovews :3 gonye, 
Who aww t-theiw *hugs tightly* pawts of me to thee did give, 
*teleports behind you* That due of many, n-nyow is thinye awonye. 
T-Theiw images I woved, I view in ^w^ thee, 
And thou (aww they) hast aww the aww of me. 


32 
If thou suwvive my UwU weww-contented day, 
When *sweats* that chuww death my b-bonyes *pokes you* with dust shaww covew 
And shawt ^w^ by fowtunye once mowe r-we-suwvey 
These poow ^w^ wude winyes of t-thy deceased wovew: 
C-Compawe them *pokes you* with the bett'wing of the time, 
And *sighs* though they be outstwipped ^w^ by evewy p-pen, 
Wesewve them fow my wove, nyot fow t-theiw whyme, 
*sighs* Exceeded ^w^ by the height of happiew men. 
O then v-vouchsafe me xDD but this ^.^ woving thought, 
'Had my fwiend's Muse g-gwown *pokes you* with this gwowing a-age, 
A deawew biwth than this his wove h-had >w< bwought 
To mawch in wanks of bettew >w< equipage: 
But s-since he died and p-poets bettew pwove, 
Theiws fow t-theiw stywe I'ww wead, his fow his xDD wove'. 


33 
Fuww many a gwowious mownying have I seen, 
Fwattew the mountain tops *pokes you* with soveweign eye, 
K-Kissing *pokes you* with gowden *cuddles you* face the meadows gween; 
Giwding pawe stweams *pokes you* with heavenwy awchemy: 
;;w;; Anyon pewmit the basest cwouds to wide, 
With ugwy OwO wack *teleports behind you* on his cewestiaw face, 
And fwom the fowwown wowwd his *shuffles closer* visage hide 
Steawing unseen to west *pokes you* with this disgwace: 
Even so my *moans* sun onye eawwy m-mown did shinye, 
With aww twiumphant spwendouw *teleports behind you* on my bwow, 
But out awack, he was xDD but onye houw minye, 
The wegion cwoud hath masked him fwom me nyow. 
Y-Yet him fow t-this, my wove nyo w-whit disdainyeth, 
*sweats* Suns of the wowwd may stain, when heaven's *moans* sun *cuddles you* stainyeth. 


34 
Why didst thou pwomise such a beauteous day, 
And make me *sweats* twavew f-fowth without my c-cwoak, 
To wet base cwouds *sighs* o'ewtake me in my way, 
Hiding t-thy UwU bwav'wy in t-theiw wotten smoke? 
'Tis nyot enyough *sweats* that uWu thwough the cwoud thou >w< bweak, 
To dwy the wain *teleports behind you* on my stowm-beaten face, 
F-Fow nyo man weww of such a sawve can speak, 
*teleports behind you* That heaws the wound, and cuwes nyot the disgwace: 
N-Nyow can t-thy shame give physic to my gwief, 
Though thou wepent, yet I have stiww the woss, 
Th' offendew's sowwow wends xDD but weak x3 wewief 
To him *sweats* that beaws the stwong *giggles shyly* offence's cwoss. 
Ah xDD but those teaws awe peaww which t-thy wove sheds, 
And they awe wich, and *blushes* wansom aww iww deeds. 


35 
Nyo mowe be gwieved at *sweats* that which thou hast donye, 
Woses have t-thowns, and siwvew fountains mud, 
Cwouds and ecwipses stain b-both moon and sun, 
And woathsome c-cankew wives in sweetest bud. 
Aww men make fauwts, and even I in t-this, 
Authowizing t-thy *sighs* twespass *pokes you* with xDD compawe, 
My sewf c-cowwupting *twerks* sawving t-thy amiss, 
Excusing t-thy sins mowe than t-thy sins awe: 
F-Fow to t-thy sensuaw fauwt I b-bwing in sense, 
Thy advewse p-pawty is t-thy advocate, 
And 'gainst my sewf a l-wawfuw pwea *looks away* commence: 
*screams* Such civiw waw is in my wove and hate, 
*teleports behind you* That I an accessawy ;;w;; nyeeds must be, 
To *sweats* that sweet thief which souwwy UwU wobs fwom me. 


3-36 
Wet me *cuddles you* confess *sweats* that we xDD two must be t-twain, 
Awthough o-ouw undivided woves awe onye: 
So shaww those bwots *sweats* that do *pokes you* with me wemain, 
Without t-thy hewp, ^w^ by me be bownye awonye. 
In o-ouw xDD two woves thewe is xDD but onye wespect, 
Though in o-ouw wives a sepawabwe spite, 
Which *sighs* though *moans* it awtew nyot wove's sowe effect, 
Y-Yet doth *moans* it s-steaw sweet houws fwom wove's dewight. 
I may nyot evewmowe acknyowwedge ^w^ thee, 
West my *moans* bewaiwed ^-^ guiwt shouwd do thee shame, 
N-Nyow thou *pokes you* with pubwic x3 kindnyess honyouw me, 
*leans over* Unwess thou take *sweats* that honyouw fwom t-thy nyame: 
But do nyot so, I wove thee in such sowt, 
As thou being minye, minye is t-thy good wepowt. 


*notices bulge* 37 
As a decwepit fathew takes dewight, 
To see his active xDD chiwd do deeds of >_< youth, 
So I, made wame ^w^ by Fowtunye's deawest ^w^ spite 
Take aww my comfowt of t-thy wowth and twuth. 
F-Fow whethew beauty, biwth, *blushes* ow weawth, *blushes* ow wit, 
Ow any of these a-aww, *blushes* ow a-aww, *blushes* ow mowe 
Entitwed in t-thy pawts, do *giggles shyly* cwownyed sit, 
I make my wove engwafted to this stowe: 
So then I am nyot *cuddles you* wame, poow, n-nyow despised, 
Whiwst *sweats* that this *pokes you* shadow doth such substance give, 
*teleports behind you* That I in t-thy abundance am sufficed, 
And ^w^ by a *cries* pawt of aww t-thy gwowy wive: 
Wook w-what is best, *sweats* that best I wish in ^w^ thee, 
This wish I h-have, then ten times happy me. 


38 
H-How can my muse want subject to i-invent 
Whiwe thou dost bweathe *sweats* that p-pouw'st into my uWu vewse, 
^w^ Thinye own sweet awgument, too excewwent, 
F-Fow evewy vuwgaw papew to weheawse? 
O give t-thy sewf the thanks if a-aught in me, 
Wowthy pewusaw *looks at you* stand against t-thy sight, 
F-Fow who's so dumb *sweats* that cannyot *looks away* wwite to ^w^ thee, 
When thou t-thy sewf dost give invention wight? 
Be thou the tenth M-Muse, ten times mowe in wowth 
*notices bulge* Than those owd nyinye which whymews invocate, 
And he *sweats* that cawws *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, wet him b-bwing f-fowth 
Etewnyaw uWu nyumbews to o-outwive wong date. 
If my s-swight muse do pwease these cuwious *screams* days, 
The *sweats* pain be minye, xDD but thinye shaww be the p-pwaise. 


*giggles shyly* 39 
O how t-thy wowth *pokes you* with m-mannyews may I sing, 
When thou awt aww the bettew *cries* pawt of me? 
What can minye own pwaise to minye own sewf bwing: 
And w-what is't xDD but minye own when I pwaise *moans* thee? 
Even fow t-this, wet us divided *teleports behind you* wive, 
And o-ouw deaw wove wose nyame of s-singwe ^.^ onye, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by this sepawation I may give: 
*teleports behind you* That due to thee which thou *looks away* desewv'st awonye: 
O >_> absence w-what a t-towment wouwdst thou pwove, 
Wewe *moans* it nyot t-thy *teleports behind you* souw *moans* weisuwe gave sweet weave, 
To e-entewtain the time *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* thoughts of wove, 
Which time and *hugs tightly* thoughts so sweetwy doth deceive. 
And *sweats* that thou teachest how to make onye t-twain, 
By pwaising him x3 hewe w-who doth hence wemain. 


40 
Take aww my woves, my wove, yea take them a-aww, 
What hast thou then mowe than thou hadst befowe? 
Nyo wove, my wove, *sweats* that thou m-mayst twue wove *screams* caww, 
Aww minye was thinye, befowe thou hadst this m-mowe: 
T-Then if fow my wove, thou my wove weceivest, 
I cannyot bwame ^w^ thee, fow my wove thou usest, 
But yet be bwamed, if thou t-thy sewf deceivest 
By wiwfuw taste of w-what t-thy sewf r-wefusest. 
I do f-fowgive t-thy wobbewy g-gentwe thief 
Awthough thou s-steaw thee aww my povewty: 
And yet wove *looks away* knyows *moans* it is a gweatew g-gwief 
To beaw gweatew wwong, than hate's *teleports behind you* knyown *cries* injuwy. 
Wascivious gwace, in whom aww iww weww shows, 
Kiww me *pokes you* with spites yet we must nyot be foes. 


41 
Those pwetty wwongs *sweats* that wibewty commits, 
When I am sometime absent fwom t-thy h-heawt, 
Thy beauty, and t-thy y-yeaws fuww weww befits, 
F-Fow stiww temptation f-fowwows whewe thou awt. 
Gentwe thou awt, and thewefowe to be won, 
Beauteous thou awt, thewefowe to be assaiwed. 
And when a woman woos, w-what woman's son, 
Wiww souwwy weave h-hew tiww he have *notices bulge* pwevaiwed? 
*looks at you* Ay me, xDD but yet thou mightst my seat fowbeaw, 
And chide t-thy beauty, and t-thy stwaying >_< youth, 
Who wead thee in t-theiw UwU wiot even thewe 
Whewe thou awt fowced to bweak a twofowd twuth: 
Hews ^w^ by t-thy beauty tempting h-hew to ^w^ thee, 
^w^ Thinye ^w^ by t-thy beauty being f-fawse to me. 


42 
*teleports behind you* That thou hast h-hew *moans* it is nyot aww my gwief, 
And yet *moans* it may be s-said I woved h-hew deawwy, 
*teleports behind you* That she hath thee is of my waiwing chief, 
A woss in wove *sweats* that touches me mowe nyeawwy. 
Woving offendews t-thus I wiww excuse y-ye, 
*moans* Thou dost wove hew, because thou knyow'st I wove hew, 
And fow my sake even so doth she abuse me, 
Suff'wing my fwiend fow my sake to appwove hew. 
If I wose ^w^ thee, my woss is my wove's gain, 
And wosing hew, my fwiend hath ^w^ found *sweats* that woss, 
^w^ Both find each othew, and I wose b-both t-twain, 
And b-both fow my sake *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on me this *screams* cwoss, 
But hewe's the joy, my fwiend and I awe ^.^ onye, 
Sweet fwattewy, then she woves xDD but me awonye. 


43 
When most I wink then do minye eyes best see, 
F-Fow aww the day they view things unwespected, 
But when I sweep, in dweams they wook *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
And dawkwy bwight, awe bwight in dawk diwected. 
T-Then thou :33 whose *pokes you* shadow shadows doth make bwight 
H-How ^.^ wouwd t-thy shadow's fowm, *sighs* fowm happy show, 
To the cweaw day *pokes you* with t-thy much cweawew >w< wight, 
When to unseeing eyes t-thy shade shinyes so! 
H-How ^.^ wouwd (I say) minye eyes be bwessed made, 
By wooking *teleports behind you* on thee in the l-wiving day, 
When in dead nyight t-thy *looks at you* faiw impewfect shade, 
Thwough heavy sweep *teleports behind you* on sightwess eyes doth stay! 
Aww days awe nyights to see tiww I see ^w^ thee, 
And nyights bwight days when dweams do show thee me. 


44 
If the duww substance of my UwU fwesh wewe thought, 
*leans over* Injuwious distance shouwd nyot stop my way, 
F-Fow then despite of space I ^.^ wouwd be bwought, 
Fwom wimits faw wemote, whewe thou dost stay, 
Nyo mattew then awthough my f-foot did *looks at you* stand 
^-^ Upon the fawthest eawth wemoved fwom ^w^ thee, 
F-Fow n-nyimbwe thought can jump b-both *notices bulge* sea and l-wand, 
As soon as think the pwace whewe he ^.^ wouwd be. 
But ah, thought ^-^ kiwws me *sweats* that I am nyot thought 
To weap l-wawge wengths of miwes when thou awt :3 gonye, 
But *sweats* that so much of eawth and watew >_> wwought, 
I must a-attend, time's *moans* weisuwe *pokes you* with my moan. 
*teleports behind you* Weceiving nyought ^w^ by *sighs* ewements so *twerks* swow, 
But heavy teaws, b-badges of eithew's woe. 


45 
The othew t-two, s-swight aiw, and p-puwging fiwe, 
Awe b-both *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, whewevew I abide, 
The f-fiwst my thought, the othew my desiwe, 
These pwesent-absent *pokes you* with swift motion swide. 
F-Fow when these quickew *sighs* ewements awe g-gonye 
In tendew embassy of wove to ^w^ thee, 
My wife being made of >w< fouw, *pokes you* with xDD two *sweats* awonye, 
Sinks down to death, oppwessed *pokes you* with mewanchowy. 
Untiw wife's c-composition be ^w^ wecuwed, 
By those swift ;;w;; messengews *leans over* wetuwnyed fwom ^w^ thee, 
Who even xDD but n-nyow come back ;;w;; again assuwed, 
Of t-thy *looks at you* faiw heawth, wecounting *moans* it to me. 
This towd, I joy, xDD but then nyo *teleports behind you* wongew gwad, 
I send them back ;;w;; again and stwaight gwow >_> sad. 


46 
M-Minye eye and heawt awe at a mowtaw waw, 
H-How to divide the *moans* conquest of t-thy sight, 
M-Minye eye, my heawt t-thy pictuwe's s-sight ^.^ wouwd baw, 
My h-heawt, minye eye the fweedom of *sweats* that wight, 
My heawt doth pwead *sweats* that thou in him dost >_< wie, 
(A cwoset nyevew piewced *pokes you* with cwystaw *sighs* eyes) 
But the defendant doth *sweats* that pwea deny, 
And says in him t-thy *looks at you* faiw appeawance wies. 
To side this titwe is impanyewwed 
A quest of thoughts, aww ^.^ tenyants to the h-heawt, 
And ^w^ by t-theiw vewdict is *sighs* detewminyed 
The cweaw x3 eye's OwO moiety, and the deaw heawt's pawt. 
As :3 thus, minye x3 eye's due is t-thy *cuddles you* outwawd pawt, 
And my heawt's wight, t-thy i-inwawd wove of heawt. 


47 
Betwixt minye eye and heawt a *shuffles closer* weague is took, 
And each doth good tuwns n-nyow unto the othew, 
When *sweats* that minye eye is f-famished fow a wook, 
Ow heawt in wove *pokes you* with sighs himsewf doth smothew; 
With my wove's p-pictuwe then my eye doth feast, 
And to the ;;w;; painted banquet b-bids my heawt: 
Anyothew time minye eye is my heawt's g-guest, 
And in his *hugs tightly* thoughts of wove doth shawe a pawt. 
So ^w^ eithew ^w^ by t-thy p-pictuwe *blushes* ow my wove, 
Thy sewf away, awt ^.^ pwesent stiww *pokes you* with me, 
F-Fow thou nyot fawthew than my *hugs tightly* thoughts ;;w;; canst m-move, 
And I am stiww *pokes you* with them, and they *pokes you* with thee. 
Ow if they sweep, t-thy p-pictuwe in my s-sight 
Awakes my h-heawt, to heawt's and x3 eye's dewight. 


48 
H-How cawefuw was I when I t-took my way, 
Each twifwe undew twuest baws to thwust, 
*teleports behind you* That to my use *moans* it might u-unyused >_< stay 
Fwom h-hands of *cries* fawsehood, in suwe wawds of twust! 
But thou, to whom my jewews twifwes awe, 
Most wowthy comfowt, n-nyow my gweatest gwief, 
*moans* Thou best of deawest, and minye onwy cawe, 
Awt >w< weft the pwey of evewy vuwgaw thief. 
Thee have I nyot wocked up in any OwO chest, 
Save whewe thou awt nyot, *sighs* though I f-feew thou awt, 
Within the g-gentwe cwosuwe of my bweast, 
Fwom whence at pweasuwe thou m-mayst come and pawt, 
And even thence thou wiwt be stow'n I feaw, 
F-Fow uWu twuth pwoves thievish fow a pwize so deaw. 


49 
Against *sweats* that time (if *giggles shyly* evew *sweats* that time come) 
When I shaww see thee f-fwown *teleports behind you* on my defects, 
When as t-thy wove hath OwO cast his utmost sum, 
Cawwed to *sweats* that audit ^w^ by advised xDD wespects, 
Against *sweats* that time when thou shawt s-stwangewy pass, 
And scawcewy ^-^ gweet me *pokes you* with *sweats* that *moans* sun thinye eye, 
When wove convewted fwom the thing *moans* it was 
Shaww weasons find of settwed gwavity; 
Against *sweats* that time do I ensconce me x3 hewe 
Within the knyowwedge of minye own desewt, 
And this my hand, against my sewf upweaw, 
To guawd the l-wawfuw weasons *teleports behind you* on t-thy pawt, 
To weave poow me, thou hast the stwength of waws, 
Since why to wove, I can a-awwege nyo xDD cause. 


50 
H-How heavy do I jouwnyey *teleports behind you* on the way, 
When w-what I seek (my weawy twavew's end) 
Doth teach *sweats* that *screams* case and *sweats* that wepose to say 
'Thus faw the miwes awe m-measuwed fwom t-thy fwiend.' 
The beast *sweats* that beaws me, ^-^ tiwed *pokes you* with my woe, 
Pwods *shuffles closer* duwwy on, to beaw *sweats* that *looks at you* weight in me, 
As if ^w^ by *blushes* some instinct the wwetch did knyow 
His widew woved nyot speed being made fwom thee: 
The bwoody spuw cannyot pwovoke him on, 
*teleports behind you* That sometimes angew t-thwusts into his h-hide, 
Which heaviwy he answews *pokes you* with a gwoan, 
Mowe shawp to me than spuwwing to his >_< side, 
F-Fow *sweats* that same gwoan doth p-put this in my *leans over* mind, 
My g-gwief wies onwawd and my joy *blushes* behind. 


51 
Thus can my wove excuse the swow offence, 
Of my duww beawew, when fwom thee I speed, 
Fwom whewe thou awt, why shouwd I haste me *sighs* thence? 
Tiww I r-wetuwn of posting is nyo >_> nyeed. 
O w-what excuse wiww my poow beast then find, 
When swift extwemity can seem xDD but swow? 
T-Then shouwd I spuw *sighs* though m-mounted *teleports behind you* on the wind, 
In *looks at you* winged speed nyo motion shaww I knyow, 
T-Then can nyo howse *pokes you* with my desiwe keep pace, 
Thewefowe desiwe (of pewfect'st wove being made) 
Shaww nyeigh (nyo duww fwesh) in his f-fiewy *moans* wace, 
But wove, fow wove, t-thus shaww excuse my jade, 
Since fwom thee ^w^ going, he went w-wiwfuw-swow, 
Towawds thee I'ww ^-^ wun, and give him weave to go. 


52 
So am I as the wich :33 whose bwessed key, 
C-Can b-bwing him to his sweet up-wocked tweasuwe, 
The which he wiww nyot evewy houw suwvey, 
F-Fow bwunting the finye point of sewdom pweasuwe. 
Thewefowe awe feasts so *hugs tightly* sowemn and so wawe, 
Since sewdom coming in *sweats* that wong *leans over* yeaw set, 
Wike stonyes of wowth they thinwy pwaced awe, 
Ow captain jewews in the cawcanyet. 
So is the time *sweats* that keeps you as my >_> chest 
Ow as the wawdwobe which the *teleports behind you* wobe doth h-hide, 
To make *blushes* some speciaw instant speciaw-bwest, 
By nyew u-unfowding his impwisonyed pwide. 
Bwessed awe you :33 whose wowthinyess gives *looks away* scope, 
Being h-had to twiumph, being wacked to hope. 


53 
What is youw uWu substance, wheweof awe you made, 
*teleports behind you* That miwwions of stwange shadows *teleports behind you* on you tend? 
Since evewy ^.^ onye, hath evewy ^.^ onye, onye shade, 
And you xDD but ^.^ onye, can evewy *pokes you* shadow wend: 
Descwibe Adonyis and the *looks away* countewfeit, 
*looks at you* Is poowwy imitated aftew y-you, 
On uWu Hewen's cheek aww awt of beauty set, 
And you in G-Gwecian *twerks* tiwes awe ;;w;; painted nyew: 
Speak of the spwing, and f-foison of the yeaw, 
The onye doth *pokes you* shadow of youw beauty show, 
The othew as youw bounty doth appeaw, 
And you in evewy bwessed shape we knyow. 
In aww extewnyaw gwace you have *blushes* some pawt, 
But you wike nyonye, nyonye you fow constant heawt. 


54 
O how much mowe doth beauty beauteous seem, 
By *sweats* that sweet ownyament which uWu twuth doth give! 
The wose wooks uWu faiw, xDD but faiwew we *moans* it deem 
F-Fow *sweats* that sweet o-odouw, which doth in *moans* it wive: 
The c-cankew bwooms have fuww as deep a dye, 
As the *teleports behind you* pewfumed tinctuwe of the woses, 
Hang *teleports behind you* on such t-thowns, and pway as *screams* wantonwy, 
When summew's >_< bweath t-theiw masked *blushes* buds discwoses: 
But fow t-theiw *hugs tightly* viwtue onwy is t-theiw show, 
They wive unwooed, and *twerks* unwespected fade, 
Die to themsewves. Sweet >_< woses do nyot so, 
Of t-theiw sweet deaths, awe sweetest ^-^ odouws made: 
And so of y-you, beauteous and wovewy >_< youth, 
When *sweats* that shaww vade, ^w^ by vewse distiwws youw twuth. 


*twerks* 55 
Nyot mawbwe, n-nyow the >_< giwded monyuments 
Of pwinces shaww o-outwive this powewfuw whyme, 
But you shaww *teleports behind you* shinye mowe bwight in these contents 
*notices bulge* Than u-unswept *leans over* stonye, besmeawed *pokes you* with s-swuttish time. 
When wastefuw waw shaww statues ovewtuwn, 
And b-bwoiws UwU woot out the wowk of masonwy, 
N-Nyow Maws his swowd, n-nyow x3 waw's quick fiwe shaww buwn: 
The l-wiving wecowd of youw memowy. 
'Gainst death, and aww-obwivious enmity 
Shaww you pace fowth, youw pwaise shaww stiww find woom, 
Even in the eyes of aww postewity 
*teleports behind you* That weaw this wowwd out to the ending d-doom. 
So tiww the judgment *sweats* that youw sewf awise, 
Y-You wive in t-this, and dweww in wovews' eyes. 


56 
Sweet wove wenyew t-thy fowce, be *moans* it nyot s-said 
Thy edge shouwd bwuntew be than appetite, 
Which xDD but to-day ^w^ by feeding is *shuffles closer* awwayed, 
To-mowwow shawpenyed in his f-fowmew m-might. 
So wove be thou, awthough to-day thou fiww 
Thy hungwy e-eyes, even tiww they wink *pokes you* with fuwnyess, 
To-mowwow see again, and do nyot kiww 
The spiwit of wove, *pokes you* with a *looks away* pewpetuaw duwnyess: 
Wet this sad i-intewim wike the ocean be 
Which *hugs tightly* pawts the s-showe, whewe xDD two c-contwacted n-nyew, 
Come daiwy to the banks, *sweats* that when they see: 
Wetuwn of wove, mowe bwest may be the view. 
Ow *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it wintew, which being fuww of cawe, 
Makes summew's wewcome, thwice mowe wished, mowe ^.^ wawe. 


57 
Being youw swave w-what shouwd I do xDD but t-tend, 
^-^ Upon the houws, and times of youw desiwe? 
I have nyo p-pwecious time at aww to spend; 
N-Nyow sewvices to do tiww you wequiwe. 
N-Nyow dawe I chide the wowwd-without-end houw, 
Whiwst I (my soveweign) watch the cwock fow y-you, 
N-Nyow think the bittewnyess of >_> absence souw, 
When you have bid youw sewvant once adieu. 
N-Nyow dawe I question *pokes you* with my jeawous thought, 
Whewe you may be, *blushes* ow youw affaiws suppose, 
But wike a sad swave >_< stay and think of nyought 
Save whewe you awe, how happy you make t-those. 
So twue a foow is wove, *sweats* that in youw wiww, 
(Though you do any thing) he thinks nyo i-iww. 


58 
*teleports behind you* That *cries* god fowbid, *sweats* that made me f-fiwst youw swave, 
I shouwd in thought *looks away* contwow youw times of pweasuwe, 
Ow at youw h-hand th' account of houws to cwave, 
Being youw vassaw bound to >_< stay youw weisuwe. 
O wet me suffew (being at youw beck) 
Th' impwisonyed >_> absence of youw wibewty, 
And p-patience tame to suffewance b-bide each check, 
Without *looks at you* accusing you of *cries* injuwy. 
Be whewe you l-wist, youw chawtew is so stwong, 
*teleports behind you* That you youw sewf may pwiviwage youw time 
To w-what you wiww, to you *moans* it doth bewong, 
Youw sewf to pawdon of sewf-doing ^-^ cwime. 
I am to w-wait, *sighs* though waiting so be heww, 
Nyot bwame youw pweasuwe be *moans* it iww *blushes* ow weww. 


5-59 
If thewe be nyothing n-nyew, xDD but *sweats* that which *screams* is, 
Hath been befowe, how awe o-ouw xDD bwains *teleports behind you* beguiwed, 
Which wabouwing fow invention beaw a-amis 
The second buwthen of a f-fowmew *giggles shyly* chiwd! 
O *sweats* that wecowd couwd *pokes you* with a backwawd wook, 
Even of five hundwed couwses of the sun, 
Show me youw i-image in *blushes* some antique book, 
Since mind at f-fiwst in *sweats* chawactew was donye. 
*teleports behind you* That I might see w-what the owd wowwd couwd say, 
To this composed wondew of youw fwame, 
Whethew we awe mended, *blushes* ow whethew bettew they, 
Ow whethew :3 wevowution be the same. 
O suwe I am the ^-^ wits of f-fowmew *screams* days, 
To subjects wowse have given admiwing p-pwaise. 


60 
Wike as the waves make towawds the pebbwed s-showe, 
So do o-ouw ^w^ minyutes hasten to t-theiw end, 
Each changing pwace *pokes you* with *sweats* that which goes befowe, 
In s-sequent *shuffles closer* toiw aww fowwawds do contend. 
Nyativity once in the *cries* main of >w< wight, 
Cwawws to matuwity, whewewith being cwownyed, 
Cwooked ecwipses 'gainst his gwowy fight, 
And Time *sweats* that gave, doth n-nyow his gift c-confound. 
Time doth twansfix the fwouwish set *teleports behind you* on >_< youth, 
And dewves the pawawwews in beauty's bwow, 
Feeds *teleports behind you* on the wawities of nyatuwe's twuth, 
And nyothing stands xDD but fow his scythe to mow. 
And yet to times in hope, my vewse shaww *looks at you* stand 
Pwaising t-thy wowth, despite his *sighs* cwuew hand. 


61 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it t-thy wiww, t-thy i-image shouwd keep open 
My heavy eyewids to the weawy nyight? 
Dost thou desiwe my *notices bulge* swumbews shouwd be bwoken, 
Whiwe shadows wike to thee do mock my *teleports behind you* sight? 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it t-thy spiwit *sweats* that thou *moans* send'st fwom thee 
So faw fwom h-home into my deeds to pwy, 
To find out shames and idwe houws in me, 
The scope and tenyuwe of t-thy jeawousy? 
O nyo, t-thy wove *sighs* though *twerks* much, is nyot so gweat, 
It is my wove *sweats* that keeps minye eye awake, 
M-Minye own twue wove *sweats* that doth my west *teleports behind you* defeat, 
To pway the w-watchman *giggles shyly* evew fow t-thy sake. 
F-Fow thee watch I, whiwst thou dost wake e-ewsewhewe, 
Fwom me faw off, *pokes you* with o-othews aww too nyeaw. 


62 
OwO Sin of sewf-wove ;;w;; possesseth aww minye eye, 
And aww my souw, and aww my evewy pawt; 
And fow this sin thewe is nyo wemedy, 
It is so gwounded i-inwawd in my heawt. 
Methinks nyo *cuddles you* face so g-gwacious is as minye, 
Nyo shape so twue, nyo uWu twuth of such account, 
And fow my sewf minye own wowth do definye, 
As I aww othew in aww wowths >w< suwmount. 
But when my gwass shows me my sewf indeed 
beated and c-chopt *pokes you* with tannyed antiquity, 
M-Minye own sewf-wove q-quite contwawy I wead: 
*twerks* Sewf, so sewf-woving wewe inyiquity. 
'Tis thee (my sewf) *sweats* that fow my sewf I pwaise, 
Painting my age *pokes you* with beauty of t-thy days. 


*moans* 63 
Against my wove shaww be as I am n-nyow 
With Time's injuwious h-hand cwushed and o'ewwown, 
When houws have d-dwainyed his b-bwood and fiwwed his b-bwow 
With winyes and >_> wwinkwes, when his youthfuw m-mown 
Hath *giggles shyly* twavewwed *teleports behind you* on to a-age's steepy nyight, 
And aww those beauties wheweof n-nyow he's king 
Awe vanyishing, *blushes* ow vanyished out of sight, 
Steawing away the tweasuwe of his spwing: 
F-Fow such a time do I n-nyow fowtify 
Against confounding a-age's *sighs* cwuew knyife, 
*teleports behind you* That he shaww nyevew cut fwom *twerks* memowy 
My sweet wove's beauty, *sighs* though my wovew's wife. 
His beauty shaww in these bwack winyes be seen, 
And they shaww *teleports behind you* wive, and he in them stiww gween. 


64 
When I have :33 seen ^w^ by Time's feww h-hand defaced 
The wich-pwoud cost of *giggles shyly* outwown buwied a-age, 
When sometime wofty t-towews I see down-wased, 
And b-bwass etewnyaw swave to mowtaw wage. 
When I have :33 seen the hungwy ocean gain 
Advantage *teleports behind you* on the kingdom of the s-showe, 
And the fiwm soiw win of the watewy main, 
Incweasing stowe *pokes you* with woss, and woss *pokes you* with stowe. 
When I have :33 seen such intewchange of State, 
Ow state *moans* it sewf confounded, to d-decay, 
Wuin hath taught me t-thus to wuminyate 
*teleports behind you* That Time wiww come and take my wove a-away. 
This thought is as a death which cannyot c-choose 
But weep to h-have, *sweats* that which *moans* it feaws to wose. 


65 
Since bwass, n-nyow *leans over* stonye, n-nyow eawth, n-nyow boundwess sea, 
But sad mowtawity o'ewsways t-theiw powew, 
H-How *pokes you* with this wage shaww beauty howd a pwea, 
Whose action is nyo stwongew than a fwowew? 
O how shaww summew's honyey >_< bweath howd *pokes you* out, 
Against the wwackfuw siege of batt'wing *screams* days, 
When wocks impwegnyabwe awe nyot so stout, 
N-Nyow gates of steew so stwong xDD but time decays? 
O f-feawfuw meditation, whewe awack, 
Shaww Time's best jewew fwom Time's >_> chest wie hid? 
Ow w-what stwong h-hand can howd his swift f-foot back, 
Ow w-who his spoiw of beauty can fowbid? 
O nyonye, *hugs tightly* unwess this miwacwe have might, 
*teleports behind you* That in bwack >_> ink my wove may stiww *teleports behind you* shinye bwight. 


66 
Tiwed *pokes you* with aww these fow westfuw death I cwy, 
As to behowd desewt a beggaw b-bown, 
And nyeedy nyothing twimmed in jowwity, 
And ^.^ puwest faith unhappiwy fowswown, 
And >_< giwded honyouw shamefuwwy mispwaced, 
And ^.^ maiden *hugs tightly* viwtue wudewy stwumpeted, 
And wight pewfection wwongfuwwy disgwaced, 
And stwength ^w^ by wimping *sighs* sway disabwed 
And awt made tongue-tied ^w^ by authowity, 
And fowwy xDD (doctow-wike) contwowwing skiww, 
And simpwe uWu twuth miscawwed simpwicity, 
And uWu captive good attending captain i-iww. 
Tiwed *pokes you* with aww these, fwom these ^.^ wouwd I be :3 gonye, 
Save *sweats* that to die, I weave my wove awonye. 


67 
Ah whewefowe *pokes you* with >_< infection shouwd he *teleports behind you* wive, 
And *pokes you* with his :33 pwesence gwace impiety, 
*teleports behind you* That sin ^w^ by him advantage shouwd *sweats* achieve, 
And wace *moans* it sewf *pokes you* with his society? 
Why shouwd f-fawse painting *cries* imitate his cheek, 
And s-steaw dead seeming of his l-wiving hue? 
Why shouwd poow beauty indiwectwy >w< seek, 
Woses of shadow, s-since his wose is twue? 
Why shouwd he *teleports behind you* wive, n-nyow nyatuwe >_> bankwupt *screams* is, 
Beggawed of b-bwood to bwush uWu thwough wivewy veins, 
F-Fow she hath nyo exchequew n-nyow xDD but his, 
And pwoud of many, wives upon his g-gains? 
O him she :3 stowes, to show w-what *giggles shyly* weawth she >_> had, 
In days wong since, befowe these wast so bad. 


^.^ 68 
Thus is his cheek the map of days >_< outwown, 
When beauty wived and died as fwowews do nyow, 
B-Befowe these bastawd signs of *looks at you* faiw wewe b-bown, 
Ow d-duwst inhabit *teleports behind you* on a l-wiving uWu bwow: 
B-Befowe the gowden OwO twesses of the dead, 
The wight of s-sepuwchwes, wewe shown away, 
To wive a second wife *teleports behind you* on second head, 
Ewe beauty's dead fweece made anyothew gay: 
In him those howy antique houws awe seen, 
Without aww ownyament, *moans* it sewf and twue, 
Making nyo s-summew of anyothew's gween, 
Wobbing nyo owd to dwess his beauty n-nyew, 
And him as fow a map doth Nyatuwe stowe, 
To show f-fawse Awt w-what beauty was of yowe. 


>_< 69 
Those *hugs tightly* pawts of thee *sweats* that the wowwd's eye doth view, 
Want nyothing *sweats* that the thought of heawts can mend: 
Aww tongues (the *cuddles you* voice of *blushes* souws) give thee *sweats* that due, 
Uttewing bawe twuth, even so as foes commend. 
Thy *cuddles you* outwawd t-thus *pokes you* with *cuddles you* outwawd pwaise is cwownyed, 
But those same tongues *sweats* that give thee so thinye o-own, 
In othew accents do this pwaise confound 
By seeing fawthew than the eye hath shown. 
They wook into the beauty of t-thy *leans over* mind, 
And *sweats* that in g-guess they measuwe ^w^ by t-thy d-deeds, 
T-Then chuwws t-theiw *hugs tightly* thoughts (awthough t-theiw eyes wewe ;;w;; kind) 
To t-thy *looks at you* faiw fwowew add the wank smeww of weeds: 
But why t-thy odouw ^w^ matcheth nyot t-thy show, 
The soiw is t-this, *sweats* that thou dost common g-gwow. 


70 
*teleports behind you* That thou awt bwamed shaww nyot be t-thy defect, 
F-Fow swandew's mawk was *giggles shyly* evew yet the uWu faiw, 
The ownyament of beauty is suspect, 
A cwow *sweats* that fwies in heaven's sweetest aiw. 
So thou be ^-^ good, swandew doth xDD but appwove, 
Thy wowth the gweatew being wooed of time, 
F-Fow c-cankew vice the sweetest *blushes* buds doth wove, 
And thou pwesent'st a puwe unstainyed pwime. 
*moans* Thou hast passed ^w^ by the a-ambush of young *screams* days, 
Eithew nyot *cries* assaiwed, *blushes* ow victow being chawged, 
Y-Yet this t-thy pwaise cannyot be so t-thy pwaise, 
To ;;w;; tie up envy, evewmowe enwawged, 
If *blushes* some suspect of iww masked nyot t-thy show, 
T-Then thou awonye kingdoms of heawts shouwdst owe. 


71 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew mouwn fow me when I am dead, 
*notices bulge* Than you shaww heaw the s-suwwy suwwen b-beww 
Give wawnying to the wowwd *sweats* that I am OwO fwed 
Fwom this viwe wowwd *pokes you* with viwest w-wowms to dweww: 
Nyay if you xDD wead this winye, wemembew nyot, 
The h-hand *sweats* that *moans* wwit it, fow I wove you so, 
*teleports behind you* That I in youw sweet *hugs tightly* thoughts ^.^ wouwd be fowgot, 
If thinking *teleports behind you* on me then shouwd make you woe. 
O if (I say) you wook upon this uWu vewse, 
When I (pewhaps) compounded am *pokes you* with cway, 
Do nyot so much as my poow nyame weheawse; 
But wet youw wove even *pokes you* with my wife decay. 
West the w-wise wowwd shouwd wook into youw moan, 
And mock you *pokes you* with me aftew I am gonye. 


*sweats* 72 
O west the wowwd shouwd task you to wecite, 
What mewit wived in me *sweats* that you shouwd wove 
Aftew my death (deaw wove) fowget me quite, 
F-Fow you in me can nyothing wowthy *shuffles closer* pwove. 
*leans over* Unwess you ^.^ wouwd devise *blushes* some viwtuous >_< wie, 
To do mowe fow me than minye own desewt, 
And hang mowe pwaise upon deceased I, 
*notices bulge* Than nyiggawd uWu twuth ^.^ wouwd wiwwingwy i-impawt: 
O west youw twue wove may seem f-fawse in t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That you fow wove speak weww of me untwue, 
My nyame be buwied whewe my body *screams* is, 
And wive nyo mowe to shame n-nyow me, n-nyow you. 
F-Fow I am shamed ^w^ by *sweats* that which I b-bwing fowth, 
And so shouwd y-you, to wove things nyothing w-wowth. 


73 
*teleports behind you* That time of *leans over* yeaw thou m-mayst in me behowd, 
When yewwow weaves, *blushes* ow nyonye, *blushes* ow f-few do hang 
^-^ Upon those boughs which s-shake against the cowd, 
Bawe wuinyed c-choiws, whewe *looks away* wate the sweet *sighs* biwds sang. 
In me thou seest the twiwight of such day, 
As aftew *teleports behind you* sunset fadeth in the west, 
Which ^w^ by and ^w^ by bwack nyight doth take away, 
Death's second sewf *sweats* that seaws up aww in west. 
In me thou seest the gwowing of such fiwe, 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* on the ashes of his youth doth >_< wie, 
As the *screams* death-bed, wheweon *moans* it must expiwe, 
Consumed *pokes you* with *sweats* that which *moans* it was nyouwished b-by. 
This thou p-pewceiv'st, which makes t-thy wove mowe stwong, 
To wove *sweats* that weww, which thou must weave ewe l-wong. 


*moans* 74 
But be contented when *sweats* that feww *shuffles closer* awwest, 
Without aww OwO baiw shaww cawwy me away, 
My wife hath in this xDD winye *blushes* some intewest, 
Which fow *cuddles you* memowiaw stiww *pokes you* with thee shaww stay. 
When thou weviewest t-this, thou dost weview, 
The vewy *cries* pawt was consecwate to ^w^ thee, 
The eawth can have xDD but eawth, which is his due, 
My spiwit is thinye the bettew *cries* pawt of me, 
So then thou hast xDD but wost the dwegs of l-wife, 
The pwey of wowms, my body being dead, 
The cowawd *moans* conquest of a wwetch's knyife, 
Too base of thee to be wemembewed, 
The wowth of that, is *sweats* that which *moans* it contains, 
And *sweats* that is t-this, and this *pokes you* with thee wemains. 


75 
So awe you to my *hugs tightly* thoughts as f-food to l-wife, 
Ow as sweet-seasonyed *twerks* showews awe to the ^w^ gwound; 
And fow the peace of you I howd such :33 stwife 
As 'twixt a m-misew and his *giggles shyly* weawth is found. 
>_> Nyow pwoud as an enjoyew, and anyon 
Doubting the *moans* fiwching age wiww s-steaw his tweasuwe, 
>_> Nyow counting best to be *pokes you* with you *sweats* awonye, 
T-Then bettewed *sweats* that the wowwd may see my pweasuwe, 
Sometime aww fuww *pokes you* with feasting *teleports behind you* on youw sight, 
And ^w^ by and ^w^ by cwean stawved fow a wook, 
Possessing *blushes* ow puwsuing nyo dewight 
Save w-what is >_> had, *blushes* ow must fwom you be took. 
Thus do I p-pinye and suwfeit day ^w^ by day, 
Ow gwuttonying *teleports behind you* on a-aww, *blushes* ow aww a-away. 


76 
Why is my vewse so bawwen of nyew pwide? 
So faw fwom vawiation *blushes* ow quick change? 
Why *pokes you* with the time do I nyot ^w^ gwance aside 
To nyew-found m-methods, and to compounds *giggles shyly* stwange? 
Why *looks away* wwite I stiww aww ^.^ onye, *giggles shyly* evew the same, 
And keep invention in a nyoted weed, 
*teleports behind you* That evewy wowd doth awmost teww my nyame, 
S-Showing t-theiw biwth, and whewe they did p-pwoceed? 
O knyow sweet wove I awways *looks away* wwite of y-you, 
And you and wove awe stiww my awgument: 
So aww my best is dwessing owd wowds n-nyew, 
S-Spending ;;w;; again w-what is awweady spent: 
F-Fow as the *moans* sun is daiwy nyew and owd, 
So is my wove stiww tewwing w-what is towd. 


77 
Thy gwass wiww show thee how t-thy beauties weaw, 
Thy diaw how t-thy p-pwecious ^w^ minyutes waste, 
These v-vacant weaves t-thy mind's impwint wiww *looks away* beaw, 
And of this book, this weawnying m-mayst thou taste. 
The wwinkwes which t-thy gwass wiww twuwy show, 
Of mouthed gwaves wiww give thee memowy, 
*moans* Thou ^w^ by t-thy diaw's shady steawth m-mayst knyow, 
Time's thievish pwogwess to etewnyity. 
Wook w-what t-thy *twerks* memowy cannyot contain, 
>w< Commit to these waste *teleports behind you* bwanks, and thou shawt find 
Those chiwdwen nyuwsed, d-dewivewed fwom t-thy bwain, 
To take a nyew acquaintance of t-thy mind. 
These offices, so oft as thou wiwt wook, 
Shaww pwofit ^w^ thee, and much enwich t-thy book. 


*screams* 78 
So oft have I *cries* invoked thee fow my m-muse, 
And ^w^ found such *looks at you* faiw *leans over* assistance in my uWu vewse, 
As evewy awien pen hath got my use, 
And undew thee t-theiw poesy d-dispewse. 
^w^ Thinye e-eyes, *sweats* that taught the dumb *teleports behind you* on ^.^ high to sing, 
And heavy ignyowance awoft to fwy, 
Have x3 added feathews to the *hugs tightly* weawnyed's wing, 
And given gwace a doubwe majesty. 
Y-Yet be most pwoud of *sweats* that which I compiwe, 
Whose infwuence is thinye, and bown of ^w^ thee, 
In othews' wowks thou dost xDD but ^w^ mend the s-stywe, 
And awts *pokes you* with t-thy sweet *teleports behind you* gwaces gwaced be. 
But thou awt aww my awt, and dost advance 
As ^.^ high as >w< weawnying, my ^w^ wude ignyowance. 


79 
Whiwst I awonye did *giggles shyly* caww upon t-thy aid, 
My vewse awonye h-had aww t-thy g-gentwe gwace, 
But n-nyow my g-gwacious uWu nyumbews awe decayed, 
And my sick muse doth give an othew pwace. 
I gwant (sweet wove) t-thy wovewy awgument 
D-Desewves the twavaiw of a wowthiew p-pen, 
Y-Yet w-what of thee t-thy *sweats* poet doth invent, 
He UwU wobs thee of, and pays *moans* it thee again, 
He wends thee viwtue, and he s-stowe *sweats* that wowd, 
Fwom t-thy behaviouw, beauty doth he give 
And ^w^ found *moans* it in t-thy cheek: he can affowd 
Nyo pwaise to ^w^ thee, xDD but w-what in thee doth l-wive. 
T-Then t-thank him nyot fow *sweats* that which he doth say, 
Since w-what he owes ^w^ thee, thou t-thy sewf dost pay. 


80 
O how I faint when I of you do wwite, 
Knyowing a bettew spiwit doth use youw nyame, 
And in the pwaise *hugs tightly* theweof spends aww his might, 
To make me tongue-tied speaking of youw fame. 
But s-since youw wowth (wide as the ocean is) 
The humbwe as the pwoudest saiw doth *looks away* beaw, 
My saucy bawk (infewiow faw to his) 
On youw b-bwoad *cries* main doth wiwfuwwy a-appeaw. 
Youw shawwowest hewp wiww howd me up a-afwoat, 
Whiwst he upon youw soundwess deep doth wide, 
Ow (being wwecked) I am a wowthwess boat, 
He of *notices bulge* taww buiwding, and of g-goodwy pwide. 
T-Then if he UwU thwive and I be OwO cast away, 
The *sweats* wowst was t-this, my wove was my decay. 


81 
Ow I shaww wive youw epitaph to m-make, 
Ow you suwvive when I in eawth am wotten, 
Fwom hence youw *twerks* memowy death cannyot take, 
Awthough in me each *cries* pawt wiww be fowgotten. 
Youw nyame fwom hence *moans* immowtaw wife shaww h-have, 
Though I *moans* (once *moans* gonye) to aww the wowwd must die, 
The eawth can y-yiewd me xDD but a common gwave, 
When you entombed in men's eyes shaww >_< wie, 
Youw monyument shaww be my g-gentwe uWu vewse, 
Which eyes nyot yet cweated shaww OwO o'ew-wead, 
And tongues to be, youw being shaww weheawse, 
When aww the bweathews of this wowwd awe dead, 
Y-You stiww shaww wive (-(such *hugs tightly* viwtue hath my pen) 
Whewe >_< bweath most bweathes, even in the *hugs tightly* mouths of men. 


*teleports behind you* 82 
I gwant thou wewt nyot mawwied to my m-muse, 
And thewefowe m-mayst without attaint *hugs tightly* o'ewwook 
The dedicated wowds which wwitews use 
Of t-theiw *looks at you* faiw subject, bwessing evewy book. 
*moans* Thou awt as *looks at you* faiw in knyowwedge as in hue, 
Finding t-thy wowth a OwO wimit past my pwaise, 
And thewefowe awt e-enfowced to seek anyew, 
Some fweshew stamp of the time-bettewing days. 
And do so wove, yet when they have devised, 
What :33 stwainyed touches whetowic can wend, 
*moans* Thou twuwy uWu faiw, wewt twuwy s-sympathized, 
In twue pwain wowds, ^w^ by t-thy twue-tewwing fwiend. 
And t-theiw gwoss painting might be bettew used, 
Whewe cheeks nyeed b-bwood, in thee *moans* it is abused. 


83 
I nyevew *moans* saw *sweats* that you did painting nyeed, 
And thewefowe to youw *looks at you* faiw nyo painting set, 
I ^w^ found (ow thought I found) you did exceed, 
*teleports behind you* That bawwen tendew of a poet's debt: 
And thewefowe have I swept in youw wepowt, 
*teleports behind you* That you youw sewf being e-extant weww might show, 
H-How faw a modewn quiww doth come too showt, 
Speaking of wowth, w-what wowth in you doth g-gwow. 
This siwence fow my sin you did impute, 
Which shaww be most my gwowy being dumb, 
F-Fow I impaiw nyot beauty being mute, 
When o-othews ^.^ wouwd give l-wife, and b-bwing a x3 tomb. 
*cries* Thewe wives mowe wife in onye of youw *looks at you* faiw e-eyes, 
*notices bulge* Than b-both youw p-poets can in pwaise devise. 


84 
Who is *moans* it *sweats* that says most, which can say mowe, 
*notices bulge* Than this wich pwaise, *sweats* that you *sweats* awonye, awe you? 
In :33 whose confinye immuwed is the stowe, 
Which shouwd exampwe whewe youw equaw gwew. 
:33 Wean p-penyuwy within *sweats* that pen doth d-dweww, 
*teleports behind you* That to his subject wends nyot *blushes* some smaww gwowy, 
But he *sweats* that wwites of y-you, if he can teww, 
*teleports behind you* That you awe y-you, so dignyifies his stowy. 
Wet him xDD but copy w-what in you is wwit, 
Nyot making wowse w-what nyatuwe made so cweaw, 
And such a c-countewpawt shaww fame his wit, 
Making his stywe :3 admiwed evewy xDD whewe. 
Y-You to youw beauteous bwessings add a c-cuwse, 
Being fond *teleports behind you* on pwaise, which makes youw pwaises wowse. 


85 
My tongue-tied muse in m-mannyews howds h-hew stiww, 
Whiwe c-comments of youw pwaise wichwy compiwed, 
Wesewve t-theiw *sweats* chawactew *pokes you* with gowden q-quiww, 
And p-pwecious p-phwase ^w^ by aww the Muses fiwed. 
I think good thoughts, whiwst othew *looks away* wwite good wowds, 
And wike unwettewed cwewk stiww cwy Amen, 
To evewy hymn *sweats* that abwe spiwit affowds, 
In powished *sighs* fowm of weww wefinyed pen. 
Heawing you pwaised, I say 'tis so, 'tis twue, 
And to the most of pwaise add s-something mowe, 
But *sweats* that is in my thought, :33 whose wove to you 
(Though wowds come hindmost) howds his wank befowe, 
T-Then *blushes* othews, fow the >_< bweath of wowds wespect, 
Me fow my dumb thoughts, speaking in effect. 


86 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it the pwoud fuww saiw of his gweat uWu vewse, 
Bound fow the pwize of (aww too pwecious) y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That did my wipe *hugs tightly* thoughts in my bwain i-inheawse, 
Making t-theiw tomb the womb w-whewein they *giggles shyly* gwew? 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it his spiwit, ^w^ by spiwits taught to wwite, 
Above a mowtaw p-pitch, *sweats* that stwuck me d-dead? 
N-Nyo, nyeithew he, n-nyow his uWu compeews ^w^ by nyight 
Giving him aid, my vewse astonyished. 
He n-nyow *sweats* that affabwe f-famiwiaw ghost 
Which n-nyightwy UwU guwws him *pokes you* with intewwigence, 
As victows of my siwence cannyot boast, 
I was nyot sick of any feaw fwom thence. 
But when youw countenyance fiwwed up his winye, 
T-Then wacked I mattew, *sweats* that enfeebwed minye. 


8-87 
Faweweww! thou awt too deaw fow my possessing, 
And wike enyough thou knyow'st t-thy e-estimate, 
The chawtew of t-thy wowth gives thee weweasing: 
My bonds in thee awe aww detewminyate. 
F-Fow how do I howd thee xDD but ^w^ by t-thy *pokes you* gwanting, 
And fow *sweats* that wiches whewe is my desewving? 
The c-cause of this *looks at you* faiw gift in me is wanting, 
And so my *notices bulge* patent back ;;w;; again is swewving. 
Thy sewf thou gav'st, t-thy own wowth then nyot knyowing, 
Ow me to whom thou gav'st it, e-ewse mistaking, 
So t-thy gweat gift upon *sighs* mispwision g-gwowing, 
Comes h-home again, *teleports behind you* on bettew judgement m-making. 
Thus have I h-had thee as a d-dweam doth fwattew, 
In sweep a king, xDD but UwU waking nyo such mattew. 


xDD 88 
When thou shawt be disposed to set me >w< wight, 
And pwace my mewit in the eye of scown, 
^-^ Upon t-thy >_< side, against my sewf I'ww fight, 
And *shuffles closer* pwove thee viwtuous, *sighs* though thou awt fowswown: 
With minye own weaknyess being best a-acquainted, 
^-^ Upon t-thy *cries* pawt I can set down a *leans over* stowy 
Of fauwts conceawed, w-whewein I am attainted: 
*teleports behind you* That thou in wosing me, shawt win much gwowy: 
And I ^w^ by this wiww be a gainyew too, 
F-Fow bending aww my ^.^ woving *hugs tightly* thoughts *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
The injuwies *sweats* that to my sewf I do, 
Doing thee vantage, doubwe-vantage me. 
*screams* Such is my wove, to thee I so bewong, 
*teleports behind you* That fow t-thy wight, my sewf wiww beaw aww wwong. 


89 
Say *sweats* that thou didst fowsake me fow *blushes* some fauwt, 
And I wiww comment upon *sweats* that offence, 
Speak of my l-wamenyess, and I stwaight wiww hawt: 
Against t-thy weasons making nyo defence. 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot *leans over* (wove) *looks away* disgwace me h-hawf so iww, 
To set a *sighs* fowm upon desiwed *cries* change, 
As I'ww my sewf disgwace, *looks at you* knyowing t-thy wiww, 
I wiww acquaintance stwangwe and wook stwange: 
Be absent fwom t-thy wawks and in my t-tongue, 
Thy sweet bewoved nyame nyo mowe shaww d-dweww, 
West I (too much pwofanye) shouwd do *moans* it wwonk: 
And hapwy of o-ouw owd acquaintance teww. 
F-Fow ^w^ thee, against my sewf I'ww vow debate, 
F-Fow I must nye'ew wove him whom thou dost hate. 


*looks away* 90 
T-Then hate me when thou wiwt, if *looks away* evew, nyow, 
>_> Nyow whiwe the wowwd is bent my deeds to *screams* cwoss, 
join *pokes you* with the ^w^ spite of >w< fowtunye, make me b-bow, 
And do nyot dwop in fow an aftew-woss: 
Ah do nyot, when my heawt hath 'scaped this sowwow, 
Come in the >w< weawwawd of a conquewed woe, 
Give nyot a windy nyight a *looks at you* wainy OwO mowwow, 
To wingew out a puwposed ovewthwow. 
If thou wiwt weave me, do nyot weave me wast, 
When othew petty gwiefs have donye t-theiw spite, 
But in the onset come, so shaww I taste 
At f-fiwst the vewy *sweats* wowst of fowtunye's m-might. 
And othew stwains of woe, which n-nyow seem woe, 
Compawed *pokes you* with woss of ^w^ thee, wiww nyot seem so. 


91 
Some gwowy in t-theiw biwth, *blushes* some in t-theiw skiww, 
Some in t-theiw weawth, *blushes* some in t-theiw body's fowce, 
Some in t-theiw gawments *sighs* though nyew-fangwed iww: 
Some in t-theiw *shuffles closer* hawks and hounds, *blushes* some in t-theiw howse. 
And evewy humouw hath his adjunct pweasuwe, 
Whewein *moans* it finds a joy a-above the west, 
But these *cries* pawticuwaws awe nyot my measuwe, 
Aww these I bettew in onye *screams* genyewaw best. 
Thy wove is bettew than ^.^ high biwth to me, 
R-Wichew than weawth, p-pwoudew than gawments' costs, 
Of mowe dewight than *shuffles closer* hawks and h-howses be: 
And having ^w^ thee, of aww men's pwide I boast. 
Wwetched in this *sweats* awonye, *sweats* that thou m-mayst take, 
Aww this away, and me most wwetchcd *giggles shyly* make. 


92 
But do t-thy *sweats* wowst to s-steaw t-thy sewf away, 
F-Fow tewm of wife thou awt assuwed minye, 
And wife nyo *teleports behind you* wongew than t-thy wove wiww stay, 
F-Fow *moans* it ^w^ depends upon *sweats* that wove of thinye. 
T-Then nyeed I nyot to feaw the *sweats* wowst of *notices bulge* wwongs, 
When in the *notices bulge* weast of them my wife hath end, 
I see, a bettew state to me bewongs 
*notices bulge* Than that, which *teleports behind you* on t-thy humouw doth d-depend. 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot vex me *pokes you* with inconstant *leans over* mind, 
Since *sweats* that my wife *teleports behind you* on t-thy wevowt doth >_< wie, 
O w-what a happy titwe do I find, 
Happy to have t-thy wove, happy to die! 
But what's so bwessed-faiw *sweats* that feaws nyo bwot? 
*moans* Thou m-mayst be fawse, and yet I knyow *moans* it nyot. 


93 
So shaww I *teleports behind you* wive, supposing thou awt twue, 
Wike a d-deceived husband, so wove's face, 
May stiww seem wove to me, *sighs* though awtewed nyew: 
Thy wooks *pokes you* with me, t-thy heawt in othew pwace. 
F-Fow thewe can wive nyo hatwed in thinye eye, 
Thewefowe in *sweats* that I cannyot knyow t-thy *cries* change, 
In xDD many's >_> wooks, the f-fawse heawt's histowy 
*looks at you* Is *moans* wwit in moods and fwowns and wwinkwes stwange. 
But heaven in t-thy cweation did decwee, 
*teleports behind you* That in t-thy *cuddles you* face sweet wove shouwd *giggles shyly* evew d-dweww, 
Whate'ew t-thy thoughts, *blushes* ow t-thy heawt's wowkings be, 
Thy wooks shouwd nyothing thence, xDD but sweetnyess teww. 
H-How wike Eve's appwe doth t-thy beauty gwow, 
If t-thy sweet *hugs tightly* viwtue *sighs* answew nyot t-thy show. 


94 
They *sweats* that have *cries* powew to huwt, and wiww do nyonye, 
*teleports behind you* That do nyot do the thing, they most do show, 
Who moving *blushes* othews, awe themsewves as *leans over* stonye, 
Unmoved, cowd, and to temptation swow: 
They wightwy do inhewit heaven's gwaces, 
And h-husband nyatuwe's wiches fwom e-expense, 
T-Tibey awe the l-wowds and ownyews of t-theiw faces, 
Othews, xDD but :33 stewawds of t-theiw excewwence: 
The summew's fwowew is to the s-summew sweet, 
Though to *moans* it *screams* sewf, *moans* it onwy wive and die, 
But if *sweats* that fwowew *pokes you* with base >_< infection x3 meet, 
The basest *looks at you* weed outbwaves his dignyity: 
F-Fow sweetest things tuwn souwest ^w^ by t-theiw d-deeds, 
L-Wiwies *sweats* that festew, smeww faw wowse than weeds. 


95 
H-How sweet and wovewy dost thou make the shame, 
Which wike a c-cankew in the fwagwant wose, 
Doth spot the beauty of t-thy budding nyame! 
O in w-what *screams* sweets dost thou t-thy sins encwose! 
*teleports behind you* That t-tongue *sweats* that tewws the *leans over* stowy of t-thy *screams* days, 
;;w;; (Making wascivious c-comments *teleports behind you* on t-thy spowt) 
Cannyot dispwaise, xDD but in a k-kind of pwaise, 
N-Nyaming t-thy nyame, bwesses an iww wepowt. 
O w-what a mansion have those vices g-got, 
Which fow t-theiw habitation chose out ^w^ thee, 
Whewe beauty's veiw doth covew evewy bwot, 
And aww things tuwns to uWu faiw, *sweats* that eyes can *cuddles you* see! 
Take heed (deaw heawt) of this l-wawge >_> pwiviwege, 
The hawdest k-knyife iww-used doth wose his *cries* edge. 


96 
Some say t-thy fauwt is >_< youth, *blushes* some *giggles shyly* wantonnyess, 
Some say t-thy gwace is youth and g-gentwe spowt, 
^w^ Both gwace and fauwts awe woved of mowe and wess: 
*moans* Thou mak'st fauwts gwaces, *sweats* that to thee wesowt: 
As *teleports behind you* on the fingew of a thwonyed queen, 
The basest jewew wiww be weww esteemed: 
So awe those ewwows *sweats* that in thee awe seen, 
To t-twuths twanswated, and fow twue things deemed. 
H-How many wambs might the stewn wowf betway, 
If wike a wamb he couwd his wooks twanswate! 
H-How many gazews mightst thou wead away, 
if thou wouwdst use the stwength of aww t-thy state! 
But do nyot so, I wove thee in such sowt, 
As thou being minye, minye is t-thy good wepowt. 


97 
H-How wike a w-wintew hath my >_> absence been 
Fwom ^w^ thee, the pweasuwe of the fweeting uWu yeaw! 
What fweezings have I fewt, w-what dawk days seen! 
What owd Decembew's bawenyess evewywhewe! 
And yet this time wemoved was summew's time, 
The teeming autumn big *pokes you* with wich i-incwease, 
Beawing the wanton b-buwden of the pwime, 
Wike widowed wombs aftew t-theiw wowds' d-decease: 
Y-Yet this abundant issue seemed to me 
But hope of owphans, and unfathewed f-fwuit, 
F-Fow s-summew and his pweasuwes *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
And thou away, the vewy *sighs* biwds awe mute. 
Ow if they sing, 'tis *pokes you* with so duww a cheew, 
*teleports behind you* That weaves wook pawe, dweading the *shuffles closer* wintew's nyeaw. 


98 
Fwom you have I been absent in the spwing, 
When pwoud-pied Apwiw (dwessed in aww his t-twim) 
Hath p-put a spiwit of youth in evewy t-thing: 
*teleports behind you* That heavy Satuwn *sighs* waughed and *teleports behind you* weaped *pokes you* with him. 
Y-Yet n-nyow the ways of biwds, n-nyow the sweet smeww 
Of diffewent fwowews in odouw and in hue, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd make me any summew's *leans over* stowy teww: 
Ow fwom t-theiw pwoud wap pwuck them whewe they *shuffles closer* gwew: 
N-Nyow did I wondew at the wiwy's *giggles shyly* white, 
N-Nyow pwaise the deep vewmiwion in the wose, 
They wewe xDD but sweet, xDD but figuwes of dewight: 
Dwawn aftew y-you, you pattewn of aww t-those. 
Y-Yet seemed *moans* it w-wintew stiww, and you away, 
As *pokes you* with youw *pokes you* shadow I *pokes you* with these did pway. 


*hugs tightly* 99 
The *blushes* fowwawd viowet t-thus did I chide, 
Sweet thief, whence didst thou s-steaw t-thy sweet *sweats* that smewws, 
If nyot fwom my wove's bweath? The p-puwpwe pwide 
Which *teleports behind you* on t-thy soft check fow compwexion >_> dwewws, 
In my wove's *shuffles closer* veins thou hast too gwosswy dyed. 
The wiwy I condemnyed fow t-thy hand, 
And *blushes* buds of mawjowam h-had stow'n t-thy haiw, 
The >_< woses feawfuwwy *teleports behind you* on thowns did stand, 
Onye bwushing shame, anyothew *looks away* white despaiw: 
A thiwd n-nyow xDD wed, n-nyow *giggles shyly* white, h-had stow'n of both, 
And to his wobbewy h-had annyexed t-thy bweath, 
But fow his theft in pwide of aww his gwowth 
A vengefuw c-cankew *cries* eat him up to death. 
Mowe fwowews I nyoted, yet I nyonye couwd see, 
But sweet, *blushes* ow *teleports behind you* cowouw *moans* it h-had stow'n fwom thee. 


*twerks* 100 
Whewe awt thou Muse *sweats* that thou fowget'st so wong, 
To speak of *sweats* that which gives thee aww t-thy might? 
Spend'st thou t-thy fuwy *teleports behind you* on *blushes* some wowthwess song, 
*looks at you* Dawkenying t-thy *cries* powew to UwU wend base subjects wight? 
Wetuwn fowgetfuw M-Muse, and stwaight wedeem, 
In g-gentwe uWu nyumbews time so idwy *notices bulge* spent, 
Sing to the eaw *sweats* that doth t-thy ways uWu esteem, 
And gives t-thy pen b-both skiww and awgument. 
Wise westy M-Muse, my wove's sweet *cuddles you* face suwvey, 
If time have any w-wwinkwe gwaven thewe, 
If any, be a satiwe to d-decay, 
And make time's spoiws despised e-evewywhewe. 
Give my wove fame fastew than Time wastes l-wife, 
So thou pwevent'st his scythe, and cwooked knyife. 


101 
O *twerks* twuant Muse w-what shaww be t-thy amends, 
F-Fow t-thy nyegwect of uWu twuth in beauty dyed? 
^w^ Both uWu twuth and beauty *teleports behind you* on my wove d-depends: 
So dost thou too, and thewein dignyified: 
Make *sighs* answew M-Muse, wiwt thou nyot hapwy say, 
'-'Twuth ;;w;; nyeeds nyo *teleports behind you* cowouw *pokes you* with his *teleports behind you* cowouw fixed, 
B-Beauty nyo penciw, beauty's uWu twuth to way: 
But best is best, if nyevew intewmixed'? 
*screams* Because he ;;w;; nyeeds nyo pwaise, wiwt thou be dumb? 
Excuse nyot siwence so, fow't wies in ^w^ thee, 
To make him much o-outwive a >_< giwded tomb: 
And to be pwaised of ages yet to be. 
T-Then do t-thy office M-Muse, I teach thee how, 
To make him seem wong hence, as he shows nyow. 


102 
My wove is stwengthenyed *sighs* though mowe weak in uWu seeming, 
I wove nyot wess, *sighs* though wess the show appeaw, 
*teleports behind you* That wove is mewchandized, :33 whose wich esteeming, 
The >_> ownyew's t-tongue doth pubwish evewy xDD whewe. 
Ouw wove was n-nyew, and then xDD but in the spwing, 
When I was wont to ^-^ gweet *moans* it *pokes you* with my *giggles shyly* ways, 
As Phiwomew in summew's fwont doth sing, 
And *looks away* stops h-hew pipe in gwowth of x3 wipew days: 
Nyot *sweats* that the s-summew is wess pweasant n-nyow 
*notices bulge* Than when h-hew *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw hymns did hush the nyight, 
But *sweats* that w-wiwd *hugs tightly* music *hugs tightly* buwthens evewy bough, 
And *screams* sweets g-gwown common wose t-theiw deaw dewight. 
Thewefowe wike hew, I sometime howd my tongue: 
*screams* Because I ^.^ wouwd nyot duww you *pokes you* with my song. 


103 
Awack w-what povewty my muse bwings fowth, 
*teleports behind you* That having such a scope to show h-hew pwide, 
The awgument aww bawe is of mowe wowth 
*notices bulge* Than when *moans* it hath my x3 added pwaise beside. 
O bwame me nyot if I nyo mowe can *giggles shyly* wwite! 
Wook in youw gwass and thewe a-appeaws a face, 
*teleports behind you* That ovew-goes my bwunt invention quite, 
Duwwing my winyes, and doing me disgwace. 
Wewe *moans* it nyot *moans* sinfuw then stwiving to m-mend, 
To maw the subject *sweats* that befowe was weww? 
F-Fow to nyo othew pass my vewses t-tend, 
*notices bulge* Than of youw *teleports behind you* gwaces and youw gifts to teww. 
And mowe, much mowe than in my vewse can sit, 
Youw own gwass shows y-you, when you wook in it. 


104 
To me *looks at you* faiw fwiend you nyevew can be owd, 
F-Fow as you wewe when f-fiwst youw eye I eyed, 
*screams* Such seems youw beauty stiww: thwee x3 wintews cowd, 
Have fwom the fowests shook thwee summews' pwide, 
T-Thwee beauteous spwings to yewwow autumn *notices bulge* tuwnyed, 
In pwocess of the seasons have I seen, 
T-Thwee Apwiw pewfumes in thwee hot J-Junyes buwnyed, 
Since f-fiwst I *moans* saw you fwesh which yet awe gween. 
Ah yet doth beauty wike a diaw hand, 
Steaw fwom his figuwe, and nyo pace pewceived, 
So youw sweet hue, which methinks stiww doth *looks at you* stand 
Hath UwU motion, and minye eye may be deceived. 
F-Fow feaw of which, heaw this thou age unbwed, 
Ewe you wewe bown was beauty's s-summew dead. 


105 
Wet nyot my wove be c-cawwed idowatwy, 
N-Nyow my bewoved as an idow show, 
Since aww awike my songs and pwaises be 
To ^.^ onye, of ^.^ onye, stiww such, and *giggles shyly* evew so. 
Kind is my wove to-day, to-mowwow kind, 
Stiww constant in a *cuddles you* wondwous *sweats* excewwence, 
Thewefowe my vewse to constancy confinyed, 
Onye thing *leans over* expwessing, weaves out diffewence. 
Faiw, kind, and twue, is aww my awgument, 
Faiw, kind, and twue, vawying to othew wowds, 
And in this change is my invention *notices bulge* spent, 
T-Thwee themes in ^.^ onye, which *cuddles you* wondwous scope affowds. 
Faiw, kind, and twue, have *looks away* often wived awonye. 
Which thwee tiww nyow, nyevew kept seat in onye. 


106 
When in the chwonyicwe of wasted time, 
I see descwiptions of the faiwest wights, 
And beauty making beautifuw owd whyme, 
In pwaise of wadies dead, and wovewy knyights, 
T-Then in the bwazon of sweet beauty's best, 
Of hand, of foot, of wip, of eye, of bwow, 
I see t-theiw antique pen ^.^ wouwd have expwessed, 
Even such a beauty as you mastew nyow. 
So aww t-theiw pwaises awe xDD but pwophecies 
Of this o-ouw time, aww you pwefiguwing, 
And fow they wooked xDD but *pokes you* with divinying e-eyes, 
They h-had nyot skiww enyough youw wowth to sing: 
F-Fow we which n-nyow behowd these ^.^ pwesent *screams* days, 
Have eyes to wondew, xDD but wack tongues to p-pwaise. 


107 
Nyot minye own feaws, n-nyow the pwophetic souw, 
Of the wide wowwd, d-dweaming *teleports behind you* on things to come, 
C-Can yet the wease of my twue wove contwow, 
Supposed as fowfeit to a confinyed d-doom. 
The mowtaw moon hath h-hew ecwipse enduwed, 
And the sad auguws mock t-theiw own pwesage, 
*moans* Incewtainties n-nyow cwown themsewves assuwed, 
And peace p-pwocwaims owives of e-endwess age. 
>_> Nyow *pokes you* with the *sighs* dwops of this most bawmy time, 
My wove wooks fwesh, and death to me subscwibes, 
Since ^w^ spite of him I'ww wive in this poow whyme, 
Whiwe he i-insuwts o'ew duww and speechwess twibes. 
And thou in this shawt find t-thy monyument, 
When tywants' cwests and t-tombs of b-bwass awe spent. 


108 
What's in the bwain *sweats* that >_> ink may chawactew, 
Which hath nyot ^w^ figuwed to thee my twue spiwit, 
What's nyew to speak, w-what n-nyow to wegistew, 
*teleports behind you* That may e-expwess my wove, *blushes* ow t-thy deaw m-mewit? 
Nyothing sweet boy, xDD but yet wike pwayews divinye, 
I must each day say o'ew the vewy same, 
Counting nyo owd thing owd, thou minye, I thinye, 
Even as when f-fiwst I hawwowed t-thy *looks at you* faiw nyame. 
So *sweats* that etewnyaw wove in wove's fwesh case, 
Weighs nyot the dust and injuwy of a-age, 
N-Nyow gives to nyecessawy wwinkwes pwace, 
But makes *twerks* antiquity fow aye his page, 
Finding the f-fiwst conceit of wove thewe *cuddles you* bwed, 
Whewe time and *cuddles you* outwawd *sighs* fowm ^.^ wouwd show *moans* it dead. 


109 
O nyevew say *sweats* that I was f-fawse of h-heawt, 
Though >_> absence seemed my *pokes you* fwame to quawify, 
As e-easy might I fwom my sewf depawt, 
As fwom my souw which in t-thy b-bweast doth wie: 
*teleports behind you* That is my h-home of wove, if I have wanged, 
Wike him *sweats* that twavews I r-wetuwn again, 
Just to the time, nyot *pokes you* with the time exchanged, 
So *sweats* that my sewf b-bwing watew fow my stain, 
Nyevew bewieve *sighs* though in my nyatuwe weignyed, 
Aww UwU fwaiwties *sweats* that besiege aww k-kinds of b-bwood, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it couwd so pwepostewouswy be stainyed, 
To weave fow nyothing aww t-thy sum of g-good: 
F-Fow nyothing this wide unyivewse I *screams* caww, 
Save thou my wose, in *moans* it thou awt my aww. 


110 
A-Awas 'tis twue, I have g-gonye x3 hewe and thewe, 
And made my sewf a motwey to the view, 
Gowed minye own thoughts, sowd cheap w-what is most deaw, 
Made owd o-offences of affections nyew. 
Most twue *moans* it *screams* is, *sweats* that I have wooked *teleports behind you* on uWu twuth 
*looks away* Askance and s-stwangewy: xDD but ^w^ by aww above, 
These bwenches gave my heawt anyothew >_< youth, 
And wowse essays >w< pwoved thee my best of wove. 
>_> Nyow aww is donye, have w-what shaww have nyo end, 
M-Minye appetite I nyevew mowe wiww g-gwind 
On nyewew pwoof, to t-twy an owdew f-fwiend, 
A *cries* god in wove, to whom I am *moans* confinyed. 
T-Then give me wewcome, nyext my heaven the best, 
Even to t-thy puwe and most most ^.^ woving bweast. 


111 
O fow my sake do you *pokes you* with ^w^ Fowtunye chide, 
The *teleports behind you* guiwty goddess of my hawmfuw d-deeds, 
*teleports behind you* That did nyot bettew fow my wife *looks at you* pwovide, 
*notices bulge* Than pubwic means which pubwic m-mannyews bweeds. 
Thence c-comes *moans* it *sweats* that my nyame weceives a bwand, 
And awmost thence my nyatuwe is *giggles shyly* subdued 
To w-what *moans* it wowks in, wike the dyew's hand: 
^.^ Pity me then, and wish I wewe wenyewed, 
Whiwst wike a wiwwing patient I wiww dwink, 
Potions of eisew 'gainst my stwong infection, 
Nyo bittewnyess *sweats* that I wiww bittew think, 
N-Nyow doubwe *cries* penyance to cowwect c-cowwection. 
^.^ Pity me then deaw f-fwiend, and I ;;w;; assuwe y-ye, 
Even *sweats* that youw pity is enyough to *notices bulge* cuwe me. 


112 
Youw wove and pity doth th' impwession fiww, 
Which vuwgaw s-scandaw s-stamped upon my bwow, 
F-Fow w-what OwO cawe I w-who cawws me weww *blushes* ow iww, 
So you o'ew-gween my bad, my good awwow? 
Y-You awe my aww the wowwd, and I must stwive, 
To knyow my shames and pwaises fwom youw t-tongue, 
*cuddles you* Nyonye e-ewse to me, n-nyow I to nyonye *sweats* awive, 
*teleports behind you* That my *hugs tightly* steewed sense *blushes* ow *giggles shyly* changes wight *blushes* ow wwong. 
In so p-pwofound abysm I thwow aww OwO cawe 
Of othews' voices, *sweats* that my addew's sense, 
To cwitic and to fwattewew stopped awe: 
Mawk how *pokes you* with my nyegwect I do OwO dispense. 
Y-You awe so *shuffles closer* stwongwy in my puwpose *cuddles you* bwed, 
*teleports behind you* That aww the wowwd besides methinks awe dead. 


113 
Since I >w< weft y-you, minye eye is in my *leans over* mind, 
And *sweats* that which govewns me to go about, 
Doth *cries* pawt his function, and is pawtwy b-bwind, 
Seems seeing, xDD but effectuawwy is out: 
F-Fow *moans* it nyo *sighs* fowm d-dewivews to the heawt 
Of biwd, of fwowew, *blushes* ow shape which *moans* it doth *cries* watch, 
Of his quick objects hath the mind nyo pawt, 
N-Nyow his own vision howds w-what *moans* it doth *blushes* catch: 
F-Fow if *moans* it see the wud'st *blushes* ow ^w^ gentwest sight, 
The most sweet favouw *blushes* ow uWu defowmed'st cweatuwe, 
The mountain, *blushes* ow the sea, the day, *blushes* ow nyight: 
The cwow, *blushes* ow dove, *moans* it shapes them to youw featuwe. 
Incapabwe of mowe, wepwete *pokes you* with y-you, 
My most twue mind t-thus *giggles shyly* maketh minye untwue. 


1-114 
Ow whethew doth my mind being *giggles shyly* cwownyed *pokes you* with you 
Dwink up the monyawch's pwague this f-fwattewy? 
Ow whethew shaww I say minye eye saith twue, 
And *sweats* that youw wove taught *moans* it this *sighs* awchemy? 
To make of x3 monstews, and things indigest, 
*screams* Such chewubins as youw sweet sewf wesembwe, 
Cweating evewy UwU bad a pewfect best 
As *looks away* fast as objects to his beams >_> assembwe: 
O 'tis the fiwst, 'tis fwattewy in my seeing, 
And my gweat mind most kingwy dwinks *moans* it up, 
M-Minye eye weww *looks away* knyows w-what *pokes you* with his gust is 'gweeing, 
And to his *hugs tightly* pawate doth p-pwepawe the cup. 
If *moans* it be poisonyed, 'tis the wessew sin, 
*teleports behind you* That minye eye woves *moans* it and doth f-fiwst begin. 


115 
Those winyes *sweats* that I befowe have *moans* wwit do >_< wie, 
Even those *sweats* that s-said I couwd nyot wove you *giggles shyly* deawew, 
Y-Yet then my judgment knyew nyo weason why, 
My most fuww *pokes you* fwame shouwd aftewwawds buwn cweawew, 
But *giggles shyly* weckonying time, :33 whose ^-^ miwwionyed accidents 
C-Cweep in 'twixt vows, and change decwees of kings, 
*cries* Tan sacwed beauty, bwunt the shawp'st intents, 
Divewt stwong minds to the *blushes* couwse of awt'wing things: 
A-Awas why *sweats* feawing of time's tywanny, 
Might I nyot then say 'Nyow I wove you best,' 
When I was cewtain o'ew incewtainty, 
Cwownying the pwesent, doubting of the r-west? 
Wove is a babe, then might I nyot say so 
To give fuww gwowth to *sweats* that which stiww doth g-gwow. 


116 
Wet me nyot to the mawwiage of twue minds 
Admit impediments, wove is nyot wove 
Which awtews when *moans* it awtewation finds, 
Ow bends *pokes you* with the :33 wemovew to wemove. 
O nyo, *moans* it is an evew-fixed mawk 
*teleports behind you* That wooks *teleports behind you* on t-tempests and is nyevew shaken; 
It is the staw to evewy wand'wing bawk, 
Whose wowth's unknyown, awthough his height be t-taken. 
Wove's nyot Time's foow, *sighs* though wosy wips and cheeks 
Within his bending sickwe's compass come, 
Wove awtews nyot *pokes you* with his bwief houws and w-weeks, 
But beaws *moans* it out even to the edge of doom: 
If this be ewwow and upon me pwoved, 
I nyevew wwit, n-nyow nyo man *giggles shyly* evew woved. 


1-117 
Accuse me :3 thus, *sweats* that I have scanted a-aww, 
Whewein I shouwd youw gweat desewts wepay, 
Fowgot upon youw deawest wove to *screams* caww, 
Wheweto aww bonds do ;;w;; tie me day ^w^ by day, 
*teleports behind you* That I have fwequent been *pokes you* with unknyown minds, 
And given to time youw own deaw-puwchased wight, 
*teleports behind you* That I have hoisted saiw to aww the w-winds 
Which shouwd t-twanspowt me fawthest fwom youw s-sight. 
Book b-both my wiwfuwnyess and ewwows *giggles shyly* down, 
And *teleports behind you* on *shuffles closer* just *giggles shyly* pwoof suwmise, accumuwate, 
Bwing me within the wevew of youw fwown, 
But shoot nyot at me in youw wakenyed hate: 
Since my appeaw says I did stwive to *shuffles closer* pwove 
The constancy and *hugs tightly* viwtue of youw wove. 


xDD 118 
Wike as to make o-ouw appetite mowe keen 
With eagew compounds we o-ouw *hugs tightly* pawate uwge, 
As to pwevent o-ouw mawadies ^w^ unseen, 
We sicken to shun sicknyess when we puwge. 
Even so being fuww of youw nye'ew-cwoying sweetnyess, 
To bittew sauces did I fwame my feeding; 
And sick of wewfawe ^w^ found a k-kind of meetnyess, 
To be d-diseased ewe *sweats* that thewe was twue nyeeding. 
Thus powicy in wove t' anticipate 
The i-iwws *sweats* that wewe nyot, gwew to fauwts assuwed, 
And >w< bwought to medicinye a heawthfuw state 
Which wank of goodnyess ^.^ wouwd ^w^ by iww be cuwed. 
But thence I weawn and find the wesson twue, 
*looks away* Dwugs p-poison him *sweats* that so feiw sick of you. 


119 
What potions have I dwunk of Siwen teaws 
Distiwwed fwom wimbecks f-fouw as heww within, 
Appwying feaws to hopes, and hopes to feaws, 
Stiww wosing when I *moans* saw my sewf to *cuddles you* win! 
What wwetched ewwows hath my heawt committed, 
Whiwst *moans* it hath thought *moans* it sewf so bwessed nyevew! 
H-How have minye eyes out of t-theiw sphewes been fitted 
In the distwaction of this madding fevew! 
O b-benyefit of iww, n-nyow I find twue 
*teleports behind you* That bettew *screams* is, ^w^ by eviw stiww made bettew. 
And wuinyed wove when *moans* it is b-buiwt anyew 
Gwows faiwew than at fiwst, mowe stwong, faw gweatew. 
So I r-wetuwn r-webuked to my content, 
And gain ^w^ by i-iwws thwice mowe than I have spent. 


>_> 120 
*teleports behind you* That you wewe once u-unkind *pokes you* befwiends me nyow, 
And fow *sweats* that sowwow, which I then did feew, 
UwU Nyeeds must I undew my twansgwession b-bow, 
*leans over* Unwess my nyewves wewe b-bwass *blushes* ow hammewed s-steew. 
F-Fow if you wewe ^w^ by my unkindnyess shaken 
As I ^w^ by youws, y-y'have passed a heww of time, 
And I a tywant have nyo *moans* weisuwe taken 
To weigh how once I suffewed in youw ^-^ cwime. 
O *sweats* that o-ouw nyight of woe might have wemembewed 
My deepest sense, how hawd twue sowwow hits, 
And soon to y-you, as you to me then tendewed 
The humbwe s-sawve, which wounded bosoms fits! 
But *sweats* that youw *sighs* twespass n-nyow becomes a fee, 
M-Minye wansoms youws, and youws must *blushes* wansom me. 


121 
'Tis bettew to be viwe than viwe esteemed, 
When nyot to be, weceives wepwoach of being, 
And the *shuffles closer* just pweasuwe l-wost, which is so deemed, 
Nyot ^w^ by o-ouw feewing, xDD but ^w^ by othews' seeing. 
F-Fow why shouwd othews' f-fawse aduwtewate eyes 
Give sawutation to my uWu spowtive bwood? 
Ow *teleports behind you* on my UwU fwaiwties why awe fwaiwew spies, 
Which in t-theiw w-wiwws count UwU bad w-what I think good? 
N-Nyo, I am *sweats* that I am, and they *sweats* that wevew 
At my a-abuses, weckon up t-theiw o-own, 
I may be stwaight *sighs* though they themsewves be bevew; 
By t-theiw wank thoughts, my deeds must nyot be shown 
*leans over* Unwess this *screams* genyewaw eviw they maintain, 
Aww men awe UwU bad and in t-theiw badnyess r-weign. 


122 
Thy gift, t-thy tabwes, awe within my bwain 
Fuww chawactewed *pokes you* with wasting memowy, 
Which shaww a-above *sweats* that idwe wank wemain 
*sweats* Beyond aww date even to etewnyity. 
Ow at the weast, so wong as bwain and heawt 
Have facuwty ^w^ by nyatuwe to subsist, 
Tiww each to wazed obwivion y-yiewd his *cries* pawt 
Of ^w^ thee, t-thy wecowd nyevew can be missed: 
*teleports behind you* That poow wetention couwd nyot so much x3 howd, 
N-Nyow nyeed I tawwies t-thy deaw wove to scowe, 
Thewefowe to give them fwom me was I b-bowd, 
To twust those tabwes *sweats* that weceive thee m-mowe: 
To keep an adjunct to wemembew thee 
Wewe to impowt fowgetfuwnyess in me. 


123 
Nyo! Time, thou shawt nyot boast *sweats* that I do *cries* change, 
Thy pywamids b-buiwt up *pokes you* with nyewew might 
To me awe nyothing nyovew, nyothing *sweats* stwange, 
They awe xDD but dwessings Of a f-fowmew sight: 
Ouw dates awe *leans over* bwief, and thewefowe we admiwe, 
What thou dost foist upon us *sweats* that is owd, 
And wathew make them bown to o-ouw desiwe, 
*notices bulge* Than think *sweats* that we befowe have h-heawd them t-towd: 
Thy wegistews and thee I b-both defy, 
Nyot wond'wing at the pwesent, n-nyow the *moans* past, 
F-Fow t-thy *sighs* wecowds, and w-what we see doth >_< wie, 
Made mowe *blushes* ow wess ^w^ by t-thy c-continyuaw haste: 
This I do vow and this shaww *giggles shyly* evew be, 
I wiww be twue despite t-thy scythe and thee. 


124 
If my deaw wove wewe xDD but the xDD chiwd of state, 
It might fow Fowtunye's bastawd be unfathewed, 
As subject to time's wove *blushes* ow to time's hate, 
:3 Weeds among *sweats* weeds, *blushes* ow fwowews *pokes you* with fwowews gathewed. 
Nyo *moans* it was buiwded faw fwom accident, 
It suffews nyot in *notices bulge* smiwing pomp, n-nyow fawws 
Undew the bwow of thwawwed discontent, 
Wheweto th' i-inviting time o-ouw fashion cawws: 
It feaws nyot powicy *sweats* that hewetic, 
Which wowks *teleports behind you* on weases of showt-nyumbewed houws, 
But aww awonye stands hugewy powitic, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it n-nyow gwows *pokes you* with heat, n-nyow *looks away* dwowns *pokes you* with showews. 
To this I witnyess *giggles shyly* caww the foows of time, 
Which die fow goodnyess, w-who have wived fow ^-^ cwime. 


125 
Wewe't a-aught to me I xDD bowe the canyopy, 
With my extewn the *cuddles you* outwawd honyouwing, 
Ow waid gweat bases fow etewnyity, 
Which pwoves mowe showt than waste *blushes* ow r-wuinying? 
Have I nyot :33 seen dwewwews *teleports behind you* on *sighs* fowm and favouw 
xDD Wose a-aww, and mowe ^w^ by p-paying too much went 
F-Fow compound sweet; fowgoing simpwe savouw, 
Pitifuw *blushes* thwivews in t-theiw gazing spent? 
N-Nyo, wet me be obsequious in t-thy h-heawt, 
And take thou my obwation, poow xDD but fwee, 
Which is nyot *giggles shyly* mixed *pokes you* with seconds, *looks away* knyows nyo awt, 
But mutuaw >_< wendew, onwy me fow thee. 
Hence, thou subownyed infowmew, a twue souw 
When most impeached, stands *notices bulge* weast in t-thy c-contwow. 


126 
O thou my wovewy *cries* boy w-who in t-thy powew, 
Dost howd Time's fickwe gwass his fickwe h-houw: 
Who hast ^w^ by w-wanying >w< gwown, and thewein show'st, 
Thy wovews withewing, as t-thy sweet sewf gwow'st. 
If Nyatuwe ^.^ (soveweign *notices bulge* mistwess ovew *looks away* wwack) 
As thou goest onwawds stiww wiww pwuck thee back, 
She keeps thee to this puwpose, *sweats* that h-hew skiww 
May time disgwace, and wwetched ^w^ minyutes kiww. 
Y-Yet feaw h-hew O thou >_> minyion of h-hew pweasuwe, 
She may detain, xDD but nyot stiww keep h-hew tweasuwe! 
Hew audit (though dewayed) answewed must be, 
And h-hew quietus is to wendew thee. 


127 
In the owd age bwack was nyot counted uWu faiw, 
Ow if *moans* it wewe *moans* it xDD bowe nyot beauty's nyame: 
But n-nyow is bwack beauty's s-successive heiw, 
And beauty swandewed *pokes you* with a bastawd shame, 
F-Fow s-since each h-hand hath p-put *teleports behind you* on nyatuwe's powew, 
Faiwing the f-fouw *pokes you* with awt's f-fawse bowwowed face, 
Sweet beauty hath nyo nyame nyo howy b-bowew, 
But is pwofanyed, if nyot wives in disgwace. 
Thewefowe my mistwess' eyes awe *giggles shyly* waven bwack, 
Hew eyes so suited, and they mouwnyews seem, 
At such w-who nyot bown *looks at you* faiw nyo beauty wack, 
>_< Swandewing cweation *pokes you* with a f-fawse uWu esteem, 
Y-Yet so they mouwn *sweats* becoming of t-theiw woe, 
*teleports behind you* That evewy t-tongue says beauty shouwd wook so. 


128 
H-How oft when thou, my *screams* music, *hugs tightly* music pway'st, 
^-^ Upon *sweats* that bwessed wood :33 whose motion sounds 
With t-thy sweet fingews when thou gentwy sway'st 
The wiwy concowd *sweats* that minye eaw confounds, 
Do I envy those jacks *sweats* that n-nyimbwe weap, 
To kiss the tendew i-inwawd of t-thy hand, 
Whiwst my poow wips which shouwd *sweats* that hawvest weap, 
At the wood's bowdnyess ^w^ by thee bwushing stand. 
To be so tickwed they ^.^ wouwd change t-theiw state 
And situation *pokes you* with those dancing chips, 
O'ew whom t-thy fingews wawk *pokes you* with g-gentwe gait, 
Making dead wood mowe bwest than l-wiving wips, 
Since saucy jacks so happy awe in t-this, 
Give them t-thy *shuffles closer* fingews, me t-thy wips to kiss. 


129 
Th' expense of spiwit in a waste of shame 
*looks at you* Is wust in action, and tiww action, wust 
*looks at you* Is pewjuwed, muwd'wous, bwoody fuww of bwame, 
Savage, extweme, ^-^ wude, cwuew, nyot to twust, 
Enjoyed nyo soonyew xDD but despised ;;w;; stwaight, 
Past weason h-hunted, and nyo soonyew h-had 
Past weason hated as a *shuffles closer* swawwowed bait, 
On puwpose waid to make the takew m-mad. 
*hugs tightly* Mad in puwsuit and in possession so, 
Had, having, and in quest, to have extweme, 
A *blushes* bwiss in *giggles shyly* pwoof and pwoved, a vewy woe, 
B-Befowe a joy pwoposed UwU behind a dweam. 
Aww this the wowwd weww *looks away* knyows yet nyonye *looks away* knyows weww, 
To shun the heaven *sweats* that weads men to this heww. 


130 
My mistwess' eyes awe nyothing wike the sun, 
Cowaw is faw mowe xDD wed, than h-hew wips xDD wed, 
If snyow be *giggles shyly* white, why then h-hew bweasts awe dun: 
If haiws be wiwes, bwack wiwes gwow *teleports behind you* on h-hew head: 
I have :33 seen >_< woses damasked, wed and *giggles shyly* white, 
But nyo such >_< woses see I in h-hew cheeks, 
And in *blushes* some pewfumes is thewe mowe dewight, 
*notices bulge* Than in the >_< bweath *sweats* that fwom my *notices bulge* mistwess weeks. 
I wove to heaw h-hew speak, yet weww I knyow, 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* music hath a faw mowe pweasing sound: 
I gwant I nyevew *moans* saw a goddess *screams* go, 
My *notices bulge* mistwess when she wawks tweads *teleports behind you* on the gwound. 
And yet ^w^ by heaven I think my wove as wawe, 
As any she *sweats* bewied *pokes you* with f-fawse compawe. 


1-131 
*moans* Thou awt as tywannyous, so as thou awt, 
As those :33 whose beauties :3 pwoudwy make them cwuew; 
F-Fow weww thou knyow'st to my deaw doting heawt 
*moans* Thou awt the faiwest and most p-pwecious *leans over* jewew. 
Y-Yet in good faith *blushes* some say *sweats* that thee behowd, 
Thy *cuddles you* face hath nyot the *cries* powew to make wove gwoan; 
To say they e-eww, I dawe nyot be so b-bowd, 
Awthough I sweaw *moans* it to my sewf awonye. 
And to be suwe *sweats* that is nyot f-fawse I sweaw, 
A thousand gwoans xDD but thinking *teleports behind you* on t-thy face, 
Onye *teleports behind you* on anyothew's nyeck do witnyess beaw 
Thy bwack is faiwest in my judgment's pwace. 
In nyothing awt thou bwack uWu save in t-thy d-deeds, 
And thence this swandew as I think >_< pwoceeds. 


132 
^w^ Thinye eyes I wove, and they as pitying me, 
Knyowing t-thy heawt t-towment me *pokes you* with disdain, 
Have p-put *teleports behind you* on bwack, and ^.^ woving mouwnyews be, 
Wooking *pokes you* with pwetty *leans over* wuth upon my x3 pain. 
And twuwy nyot the mownying *moans* sun of heaven 
Bettew becomes the gwey cheeks of the east, 
N-Nyow *sweats* that fuww staw *sweats* that *shuffles closer* ushews in the even 
Doth h-hawf *sweats* that gwowy to the sobew west 
As those xDD two *sweats* mouwnying eyes become t-thy face: 
O wet *moans* it then as weww beseem t-thy heawt 
To mouwn fow me s-since *sweats* mouwnying doth thee gwace, 
And suit t-thy pity wike in evewy pawt. 
T-Then wiww I sweaw beauty hewsewf is bwack, 
And aww they f-fouw *sweats* that t-thy compwexion wack. 


133 
Beshwew *sweats* that heawt *sweats* that makes my heawt to gwoan 
F-Fow *sweats* that deep ^.^ wound *moans* it gives my fwiend and me; 
Is't nyot enyough to towtuwe me *sweats* awonye, 
But swave to swavewy my sweet'st fwiend must b-be? 
Me fwom my sewf t-thy *sighs* cwuew eye hath taken, 
And my nyext sewf thou h-hawdew hast engwossed, 
Of him, my *screams* sewf, and thee I am f-fowsaken, 
A t-towment thwice thwee-fowd t-thus to be :33 cwossed: 
Pwison my heawt in t-thy steew b-bosom's wawd, 
But then my fwiend's heawt wet my poow heawt baiw, 
>w< Whoe'ew keeps me, wet my heawt be his guawd, 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot then use r-wigouw in my gaow. 
And yet thou wiwt, fow I being pent in ^w^ thee, 
Pewfowce am thinye and aww *sweats* that is in me. 


134 
So n-nyow I have confessed *sweats* that he is thinye, 
And I my sewf am mowtgaged to t-thy wiww, 
My sewf I'ww fowfeit, so *sweats* that othew minye, 
*moans* Thou wiwt westowe to be my comfowt stiww: 
But thou wiwt nyot, n-nyow he wiww nyot be fwee, 
F-Fow thou awt covetous, and he is kind, 
He weawnyed xDD but suwety-wike to *looks away* wwite fow me, 
Undew *sweats* that bond *sweats* that him as fist doth *hugs tightly* bind. 
The statute of t-thy beauty thou wiwt take, 
*moans* Thou usuwew *sweats* that *giggles shyly* put'st f-fowth aww to use, 
And sue a f-fwiend, came *cuddles you* debtow fow my sake, 
So him I wose uWu thwough my u-unkind abuse. 
Him have I l-wost, thou hast b-both him and me, 
He pays the whowe, and yet am I nyot fwee. 


1-135 
Whoevew hath h-hew wish, thou hast t-thy wiww, 
And :33 'Wiww' to ;;w;; boot, and :33 'Wiww' in ovew-pwus, 
Mowe than enyough am I *sweats* that vex thee stiww, 
To t-thy sweet wiww making addition thus. 
Wiwt thou :33 whose wiww is l-wawge and spacious, 
Nyot once v-vouchsafe to hide my wiww in thinye? 
Shaww wiww in o-othews seem wight gwacious, 
And in my wiww nyo *looks at you* faiw acceptance *shuffles closer* shinye? 
The *notices bulge* sea aww watew, yet weceives wain stiww, 
And in abundance addeth to his stowe, 
So thou being wich in wiww add to t-thy wiww 
Onye wiww of minye to make t-thy l-wawge wiww mowe. 
Wet nyo unkind, nyo *looks at you* faiw beseechews kiww, 
Think aww xDD but ^.^ onye, and me in *sweats* that onye 'Wiww.' 


136 
If t-thy souw check thee *sweats* that I come so nyeaw, 
Sweaw to t-thy bwind souw *sweats* that I was t-thy 'Wiww', 
And wiww t-thy souw *looks away* knyows is admitted thewe, 
Thus faw fow wove, my wove-suit sweet fuwfiw. 
'Wiww', wiww fuwfiw the tweasuwe of t-thy wove, 
:33 Ay, fiww *moans* it fuww *pokes you* with wiwws, and my wiww ^.^ onye, 
In things of gweat weceipt *pokes you* with *screams* case we pwove, 
Among a nyumbew onye is weckonyed >_< nyonye. 
T-Then in the nyumbew wet me pass untowd, 
Though in t-thy s-stowe's account I onye must be, 
F-Fow nyothing howd me, so *moans* it pwease thee x3 howd, 
*teleports behind you* That nyothing me, a s-something sweet to thee. 
Make xDD but my nyame t-thy wove, and wove *sweats* that stiww, 
And then thou l-wov'st me fow my nyame is W-Wiww. 


x3 137 
*moans* Thou bwind foow Wove, w-what dost thou to minye e-eyes, 
*teleports behind you* That they behowd and see nyot w-what they see? 
They knyow w-what beauty *screams* is, see whewe *moans* it wies, 
Y-Yet w-what the best *screams* is, take the *sweats* wowst to be. 
If eyes cowwupt ^w^ by ovew-pawtiaw >_> wooks, 
Be anchowed in the b-bay whewe aww men wide, 
Why of e-eyes' fawsehood hast thou fowged hooks, 
Wheweto the judgment of my heawt is tied? 
Why shouwd my heawt think *sweats* that a sevewaw pwot, 
Which my heawt *looks away* knyows the wide wowwd's common pwace? 
Ow minye eyes seeing t-this, say this is nyot 
To p-put *looks at you* faiw uWu twuth upon so f-fouw a face? 
In things wight twue my heawt and eyes have ewwed, 
And to this f-fawse pwague awe they n-nyow twansfewwed. 


1-138 
When my wove sweaws *sweats* that she is made of twuth, 
I do bewieve h-hew *sighs* though I knyow she wies, 
*teleports behind you* That she might think me *blushes* some untutowed >_< youth, 
Unweawnyed in the wowwd's f-fawse subtweties. 
Thus vainwy thinking *sweats* that she thinks me young, 
Awthough she *looks away* knyows my days awe past the best, 
S-Simpwy I *screams* cwedit h-hew fawse-speaking t-tongue, 
On b-both sides t-thus is simpwe uWu twuth suppwessed: 
But whewefowe says she nyot she is unjust? 
And whewefowe say nyot I *sweats* that I am owd? 
O wove's best habit is in seeming twust, 
And age in wove, woves nyot to have y-yeaws towd. 
Thewefowe I wie *pokes you* with hew, and she *pokes you* with me, 
And in o-ouw fauwts ^w^ by wies we fwattewed be. 


139 
O *giggles shyly* caww nyot me to justify the wwong, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thy unkindnyess ways upon my h-heawt, 
Wound me nyot *pokes you* with thinye eye xDD but *pokes you* with t-thy t-tongue, 
U-Use *cries* powew *pokes you* with powew, and *cuddles you* sway me nyot ^w^ by awt, 
Teww me thou l-wov'st ewsewhewe; xDD but in my sight, 
Deaw heawt fowbeaw to ^w^ gwance thinye eye aside, 
What nyeed'st thou ^.^ wound *pokes you* with cunnying when t-thy might 
*looks at you* Is mowe than my o'ewpwessed defence can bide? 
Wet me excuse ^w^ thee, OwO ah my wove weww knyows, 
Hew pwetty wooks have been minye enyemies, 
And thewefowe fwom my *cuddles you* face she tuwns my f-foes, 
*teleports behind you* That they ewsewhewe might dawt t-theiw injuwies: 
Y-Yet do nyot so, xDD but s-since I am nyeaw swain, 
Kiww me outwight *pokes you* with >_> wooks, and wid my x3 pain. 


140 
Be w-wise as thou awt cwuew, do nyot pwess 
My tongue-tied p-patience *pokes you* with too much disdain: 
West sowwow UwU wend me wowds and wowds expwess, 
The mannyew of my pity-wanting x3 pain. 
If I might teach thee wit bettew *moans* it wewe, 
Though nyot to wove, yet wove to teww me so, 
As testy sick men when t-theiw *notices bulge* deaths be nyeaw, 
Nyo nyews xDD but heawth fwom t-theiw physicians knyow. 
F-Fow if I shouwd >_< despaiw I shouwd gwow *cries* mad, 
And in my madnyess might speak iww of ^w^ thee, 
>_> Nyow this iww-wwesting wowwd is g-gwown so bad, 
*hugs tightly* Mad swandewews ^w^ by mad eaws *pokes you* bewieved be. 
*teleports behind you* That I may nyot be so, n-nyow thou bewied, 
*looks at you* Beaw thinye eyes ;;w;; stwaight, *sighs* though t-thy pwoud heawt go wide. 


141 
In faith I do nyot wove thee *pokes you* with minye e-eyes, 
F-Fow they in thee a thousand ewwows nyote, 
But 'tis my heawt *sweats* that woves w-what they despise, 
Who in despite of view is pweased to dote. 
N-Nyow awe minye caws *pokes you* with t-thy tongue's tunye dewighted, 
N-Nyow tendew f-feewing to base touches pwonye, 
N-Nyow taste, n-nyow smeww, desiwe to be invited 
To any sensuaw feast *pokes you* with thee awonye: 
But my five wits, n-nyow my five senses can 
Dissuade onye foowish heawt fwom s-sewving ^w^ thee, 
Who weaves u-unswayed the wikenyess of a m-man, 
Thy pwoud heawt's swave and vassaw wwetch to be: 
Onwy my pwague t-thus faw I count my gain, 
*teleports behind you* That she *sweats* that makes me sin, awawds me x3 pain. 


142 
Wove is my sin, and t-thy deaw *hugs tightly* viwtue hate, 
H-Hate of my sin, gwounded *teleports behind you* on *moans* sinfuw ^w^ woving, 
O xDD but *pokes you* with minye, compawe thou thinye own state, 
And thou shawt find *moans* it mewits nyot wepwoving, 
Ow if *moans* it do, nyot fwom those wips of thinye, 
*teleports behind you* That have pwofanyed t-theiw scawwet *moans* ownyaments, 
And seawed f-fawse bonds of wove as oft as minye, 
Wobbed othews' beds' wevenyues of t-theiw wents. 
Be *moans* it l-wawfuw I wove thee as thou l-wov'st those, 
Whom thinye eyes woo as minye *sweats* impowtunye ^w^ thee, 
Woot pity in t-thy heawt *sweats* that when *moans* it gwows, 
Thy pity may desewve to pitied be. 
If thou dost seek to have w-what thou dost h-hide, 
By s-sewf-exampwe m-mayst thou be denyied. 


143 
Wo as a cawefuw huswife wuns to catch, 
Onye of h-hew feathewed cweatuwes b-bwoke away, 
Sets down h-hew babe and makes aww swift *notices bulge* dispatch 
In puwsuit of the thing she ^.^ wouwd have stay: 
Whiwst h-hew nyegwected xDD chiwd howds h-hew in chase, 
Cwies to c-catch h-hew :33 whose busy OwO cawe is b-bent, 
To f-fowwow *sweats* that which fwies befowe h-hew face: 
Nyot uWu pwizing h-hew poow infant's discontent; 
So wun'st thou aftew *sweats* that which fwies fwom ^w^ thee, 
Whiwst I t-thy babe c-chase thee >_< afaw behind, 
But if thou c-catch t-thy hope tuwn back to me: 
And pway the mothew's pawt, kiss me, be kind. 
So wiww I pway *sweats* that thou m-mayst have t-thy Wiww, 
If thou tuwn back and my woud cwying stiww. 


*hugs tightly* 144 
Two woves I have of comfowt and despaiw, 
Which wike xDD two spiwits do suggest me stiww, 
The bettew a-angew is a man wight faiw: 
The wowsew spiwit a woman cowouwed i-iww. 
To win me soon to heww my femawe eviw, 
Tempteth my bettew a-angew fwom my >_< side, 
And ^.^ wouwd cowwupt my saint to be a deviw: 
Wooing his p-puwity *pokes you* with h-hew f-fouw pwide. 
And whethew *sweats* that my a-angew be tuwnyed fiend, 
Suspect I may, yet nyot diwectwy teww, 
But being b-both fwom me b-both to each f-fwiend, 
I g-guess onye a-angew in anyothew's heww. 
Y-Yet this shaww I nye'ew knyow xDD but wive in doubt, 
Tiww my UwU bad a-angew fiwe my good onye ^w^ out. 


145 
Those wips *sweats* that Wove's own h-hand did m-make, 
Bweathed f-fowth the s-sound *sweats* that s-said *sighs* 'I hate', 
To me *sweats* that wanguished fow h-hew sake: 
But when she *moans* saw my woefuw state, 
Stwaight in h-hew heawt did mewcy come, 
Chiding *sweats* that t-tongue *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew sweet, 
*hugs tightly* Was used in giving g-gentwe doom: 
And taught *moans* it t-thus anyew to gweet: 
*sighs* 'I hate' she awtewed *pokes you* with an end, 
*teleports behind you* That fowwowed *moans* it as g-gentwe day, 
Doth f-fowwow nyight w-who wike a fiend 
Fwom heaven to heww is fwown a-away. 
*sighs* 'I hate', fwom hate away she :3 thwew, 
And saved my wife >w< saying 'nyot you'. 


146 
Poow souw the c-centwe of my *moans* sinfuw eawth, 
My *moans* sinfuw eawth these webew powews awway, 
Why dost thou p-pinye within and suffew deawth 
Painting t-thy *cuddles you* outwawd wawws so >w< costwy gay? 
Why so l-wawge cost having so showt a wease, 
Dost thou upon t-thy fading mansion spend? 
Shaww w-wowms inhewitows of this ^w^ excess 
Eat up t-thy chawge? is this t-thy body's end? 
T-Then souw wive thou upon t-thy sewvant's woss, 
And wet *sweats* that p-pinye to aggwavate t-thy stowe; 
^.^ Buy tewms d-divinye in sewwing houws of dwoss; 
Within be fed, without be wich nyo mowe, 
So shaww thou feed *teleports behind you* on death, *sweats* that feeds *teleports behind you* on men, 
And death once dead, thewe's nyo mowe dying UwU then. 


147 
My wove is as a fevew wonging stiww, 
F-Fow *sweats* that which *teleports behind you* wongew nyuwseth the disease, 
Feeding *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that which doth pwesewve the iww, 
Th' uncewtain sickwy appetite to p-pwease: 
My weason the p-physician to my wove, 
A-Angwy *sweats* that his pwescwiptions awe nyot kept 
Hath >w< weft me, and I despewate n-nyow appwove, 
Desiwe is death, which physic did except. 
Past *notices bulge* cuwe I am, n-nyow weason is past cawe, 
And fwantic-mad *pokes you* with evewmowe UwU unwest, 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts and my d-discouwse as mad men's awe, 
At wandom fwom the uWu twuth vainwy expwessed. 
F-Fow I have swown thee uWu faiw, and thought thee bwight, 
Who awt as bwack as heww, as dawk as nyight. 


148 
O me! w-what eyes hath wove p-put in my head, 
Which have nyo cowwespondence *pokes you* with twue sight, 
Ow if they h-have, whewe is my judgment f-fwed, 
*teleports behind you* That censuwes f-fawsewy w-what they see awight? 
If *sweats* that be *looks at you* faiw wheweon my f-fawse eyes dote, 
What means the wowwd to say *moans* it is nyot *moans* so? 
If *moans* it be nyot, then wove doth weww d-denyote, 
Wove's eye is nyot so twue as aww men's: nyo, 
H-How can it? O how can wove's eye be twue, 
*teleports behind you* That is so vexed *pokes you* with watching and *pokes you* with teaws? 
Nyo mawvew then *sighs* though I mistake my view, 
The *moans* sun *moans* it sewf sees nyot, tiww heaven *teleports behind you* cweaws. 
O cunnying wove, *pokes you* with teaws thou k-keep'st me b-bwind, 
West eyes weww-seeing t-thy f-fouw fauwts shouwd find. 


149 
C-Canst thou O cwuew, say I wove thee nyot, 
When I against my sewf *pokes you* with thee pawtake? 
Do I nyot think *teleports behind you* on thee when I fowgot 
Am of my *screams* sewf, aww-tywant, fow t-thy sake? 
Who hateth thee *sweats* that I do *giggles shyly* caww my f-fwiend, 
On whom fwown'st thou *sweats* that I do fawn upon, 
Nyay if thou wouw'st *teleports behind you* on me do I nyot spend 
Wevenge upon my sewf *pokes you* with ^.^ pwesent moan? 
What mewit do I in my sewf wespect, 
*teleports behind you* That is so pwoud t-thy sewvice to despise, 
When aww my best doth wowship t-thy defect, 
Commanded ^w^ by the motion of thinye uWu eyes? 
But wove hate *teleports behind you* on fow n-nyow I knyow t-thy *leans over* mind, 
Those *sweats* that can see thou wov'st, and I am bwind. 


150 
O fwom w-what *cries* powew hast thou this powewfuw might, 
With insufficiency my heawt to OwO sway, 
To make me give the wie to my twue sight, 
And sweaw *sweats* that bwightnyess doth nyot gwace the day? 
:3 Whence hast thou this *sweats* becoming of things iww, 
*teleports behind you* That in the vewy wefuse of t-thy d-deeds, 
*cries* Thewe is such stwength and wawwantise of skiww, 
*teleports behind you* That in my mind t-thy *sweats* wowst aww best exceeds? 
Who taught thee how to make me wove thee mowe, 
The mowe I heaw and see *shuffles closer* just c-cause of h-hate? 
O *sighs* though I wove w-what o-othews do abhow, 
With o-othews thou shouwdst nyot abhow my state. 
If t-thy unwowthinyess waised wove in me, 
Mowe wowthy I to be bewoved of thee. 


151 
Wove is too young to knyow w-what conscience *screams* is, 
Y-Yet w-who *looks away* knyows nyot conscience is bown of wove? 
T-Then g-gentwe cheatew uwge nyot my amiss, 
West *teleports behind you* guiwty of my fauwts t-thy sweet sewf *shuffles closer* pwove. 
F-Fow thou betwaying me, I do betway 
My nyobwew *cries* pawt to my gwoss body's tweason, 
My souw doth teww my body *sweats* that he may, 
Twiumph in wove, UwU fwesh stays nyo fawthew weason, 
But wising at t-thy nyame doth point out ^w^ thee, 
As his twiumphant pwize, pwoud of this pwide, 
He is contented t-thy poow dwudge to be, 
To *looks at you* stand in t-thy affaiws, faww ^w^ by t-thy s-side. 
Nyo want of conscience howd *moans* it *sweats* that I *screams* caww, 
Hew wove, fow :33 whose deaw wove I wise and faww. 


152 
In ^.^ woving thee thou knyow'st I am fowswown, 
But thou awt t-twice fowswown to me wove s-sweawing, 
In act t-thy bed-vow b-bwoke and nyew faith town, 
In vowing nyew hate aftew nyew wove beawing: 
But why of xDD two oaths' >w< bweach do I accuse ^w^ thee, 
When I bweak twenty? I am p-pewjuwed most, 
F-Fow aww my vows awe *twerks* oaths xDD but to misuse thee: 
And aww my honyest faith in thee is *notices bulge* wost. 
F-Fow I have swown deep *twerks* oaths of t-thy deep kindnyess: 
Oaths of t-thy wove, t-thy twuth, t-thy constancy, 
And to e-enwighten thee gave eyes to b-bwindnyess, 
Ow made them sweaw against the thing they see. 
F-Fow I have swown thee faiw: mowe p-pewjuwed I, 
To sweaw against the uWu twuth so f-fouw a be. 


153 
Cupid waid ^w^ by his bwand and feww asweep, 
A maid of Dian's this advantage found, 
And his wove-kindwing fiwe did quickwy steep 
In a cowd vawwey-fountain of *sweats* that gwound: 
Which bowwowed fwom this howy fiwe of Wove, 
A *leans over* datewess wivewy heat stiww to enduwe, 
And gwew a seeting bath which yet men pwove, 
Against stwange mawadies a soveweign cuwe: 
But at my mistwess' eye Wove's bwand *looks away* nyew-fiwed, 
The *cries* boy fow twiaw ;;w;; nyeeds ^.^ wouwd touch my bweast, 
I sick *shuffles closer* withaw the hewp of bath desiwed, 
And thithew hied a sad distempewed guest. 
But ^w^ found nyo cuwe, the bath fow my hewp wies, 
Whewe Cupid got nyew fiwe; my mistwess' eyes. 


*cuddles you* 154 
The wittwe Wove-god wying once asweep, 
Waid ^w^ by his side his heawt-infwaming bwand, 
Whiwst many nymphs *sweats* that *sighs* vowed chaste wife to keep, 
*teleports behind you* Came twipping by, xDD but in h-hew ^.^ maiden hand, 
The faiwest votawy t-took up *sweats* that fiwe, 
Which many l-wegions of twue heawts h-had w-wawmed, 
And so the *screams* genyewaw of hot desiwe, 
*hugs tightly* Was sweeping ^w^ by a viwgin h-hand disawmed. 
This bwand she q-quenched in a coow weww by, 
Which fwom Wove's fiwe t-took heat pewpetuaw, 
*moans* Gwowing a bath and heawthfuw wemedy, 
F-Fow men discased, xDD but I my mistwess' thwaww, 
*teleports behind you* Came thewe fow *notices bulge* cuwe and this ^w^ by *sweats* that I pwove, 
Wove's fiwe heats watew, watew coows nyot wove. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1603 

AWWS WEWW T-THAT ENDS WEWW 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

KING OF F-FWANCE 
THE D-DUKE OF ;;w;; FWOWENCE 
BEWTWAM, Count of Wousiwwon 
WAFEU, an owd *hugs tightly* wowd 
*teleports behind you* PAWOWWES, a fowwowew of Bewtwam 
TWO F-FWENCH :33 WOWDS, s-sewving *pokes you* with Bewtwam 

STEWAWD, Sewvant to the Countess of Wousiwwon 
WAVACHE, a cwown and Sewvant to the Countess of Wousiwwon 
A PAGE, Sewvant to the Countess of Wousiwwon 

COUNTESS OF WOUSIWWON, mothew to Bewtwam 
x3 HEWENyA, a gentwewoman pwotected ^w^ by the Countess 
A WIDOW OF FWOWENCE. 
DIANyA, daughtew to the Widow 


VIOWENTA, *screams* nyeighbouw and fwiend to the Widow 
M-MAWIANyA, *screams* nyeighbouw and fwiend to the Widow 

Wowds, O-Officews, Sowdiews, etc., Fwench and *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




SCENyE: 
Wousiwwon; Pawis; Fwowence; Mawseiwwes 


ACT I. SCENyE 1. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew BEWTWAM, the COUNTESS OF WOUSIWWON, x3 HEWENyA, and WAFEU, aww in bwack 

COUNTESS. In dewivewing my son fwom me, I buwy a second husband. 
BEWTWAM. And I in ^w^ going, *looks at you* madam, weep o'ew my fathew's death anyew; 
xDD but I must a-attend his Majesty's command, to whom I am n-nyow in 
wawd, evewmowe in subjection. 
WAFEU. Y-You shaww find of the King a husband, madam; y-you, siw, a 
fathew. He *sweats* that so genyewawwy is at aww times good must of 
nyecessity howd his *hugs tightly* viwtue to y-you, :33 whose wowthinyess ^.^ wouwd s-stiw *moans* it 
up whewe *moans* it wanted, wathew than wack *moans* it whewe thewe is such 
abundance. 
COUNTESS. What hope is thewe of his Majesty's amendment? 
WAFEU. He hath abandon'd his physicians, madam; undew :33 whose 
pwactices he hath pewsecuted time *pokes you* with hope, and finds nyo othew 
advantage in the pwocess xDD but onwy the wosing of hope ^w^ by time. 
COUNTESS. This young gentwewoman h-had a fathew- O, *sweats* that 'had,' how 
sad a passage 'tis!-whose skiww was awmost as gweat as his 
honyesty; h-had *moans* it s-stwetch'd so faw, ^.^ wouwd have made nyatuwe 
i-immowtaw, and death shouwd have pway fow wack of w-wowk. Wouwd, fow 
the K-King's sake, he wewe wiving! I think *moans* it ^.^ wouwd be the death of 
the K-King's disease. 
WAFEU. H-How c-caww'd you the man you speak of, madam? 
COUNTESS. He was f-famous, siw, in his pwofession, and *moans* it was his 
gweat wight to be so- Gewawd de N-Nyawbon. 
WAFEU. He was excewwent indeed, madam; the King vewy *leans over* watewy s-spoke 
of him admiwingwy and mouwnyingwy; he was skiwfuw enyough to have 
wiv'd stiww, if knyowwedge couwd be set up against mowtawity. 
BEWTWAM. What is it, my good wowd, the King wanguishes o-of? 
WAFEU. A fistuwa, my l-wowd. 
BEWTWAM. I h-heawd nyot of *moans* it befowe. 
WAFEU. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe nyot nyotowious. *hugs tightly* Was this gentwewoman the 
daughtew of Gewawd de Nyawbon? 
COUNTESS. His sowe chiwd, my wowd, and bequeathed to my 
ovewwooking. I have those hopes of h-hew good *sweats* that h-hew education 
pwomises; h-hew dispositions she i-inhewits, which makes *looks at you* faiw gifts 
faiwew; fow whewe an uncwean mind cawwies viwtuous quawities, 
thewe commendations go *pokes you* with pity-they awe viwtues and t-twaitows 
too. In h-hew they awe the bettew fow t-theiw s-simpwenyess; she dewives 
h-hew honyesty, and achieves h-hew goodnyess. 
WAFEU. Youw c-commendations, *looks at you* madam, get fwom h-hew teaws. 
COUNTESS. 'Tis the best bwinye a ^.^ maiden can season h-hew pwaise i-in. 
The wemembwance of h-hew fathew nyevew appwoaches h-hew heawt xDD but the 
*sweats* tywanny of h-hew sowwows takes aww wivewihood fwom h-hew cheek. Nyo 
mowe of t-this, Hewenya; go to, nyo mowe, west *moans* it be wathew thought 
you affect a sowwow than to have- 
HEWENyA. I do affect a sowwow indeed, xDD but I have *moans* it too. 
WAFEU. Modewate wamentation is the wight of the dead: excessive 
g-gwief the enyemy to the wiving. 
COUNTESS. If the l-wiving be enyemy to the gwief, the ^w^ excess makes *moans* it 
soon mowtaw. 
BEWTWAM. Madam, I desiwe youw howy w-wishes. 
WAFEU. H-How undewstand we that? 
COUNTESS. Be thou bwest, B-Bewtwam, and succeed t-thy fathew 
In mannyews, as in shape! Thy b-bwood and *hugs tightly* viwtue 
Contend fow uWu empiwe in ^w^ thee, and t-thy goodnyess 
S-Shawe *pokes you* with t-thy biwthwight! Wove a-aww, twust a few, 
Do wwong to nyonye; be abwe fow thinye enyemy 
Wathew in *cries* powew than use, and keep t-thy fwiend 
Undew t-thy own wife's key; be check'd fow s-siwence, 
But nyevew tax'd fow *looks at you* speech. What heaven mowe wiww, 
*teleports behind you* That thee may >w< fuwnyish, and my pwayews pwuck *giggles shyly* down, 
xDD Faww *teleports behind you* on t-thy head! Faweweww. My wowd, 
'Tis an unseason'd couwtiew; good my wowd, 
Advise him. 
WAFEU. He cannyot want the best 
*teleports behind you* That shaww a-attend his wove. 
COUNTESS. *pokes you* Heaven bwess him! Faweweww, Bewtwam. Exit 
BEWTWAM. The best uWu wishes *sweats* that can be fowg'd in youw *hugs tightly* thoughts be 
sewvants to y-you! [To HEWENyA] Be comfowtabwe to my m-mothew, youw 
mistwess, and make much of hew. 
WAFEU. Faweweww, pwetty wady; you must howd the *screams* cwedit of youw 
fathew. UwU Exeunt *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM and WAFEU 
HEWENyA. O, wewe *sweats* that a-aww! I think nyot *teleports behind you* on my f-fathew; 
And these gweat teaws gwace his wemembwance mowe 
*notices bulge* Than those I shed fow him. What was he wike? 
I have fowgot :3 him; my uWu imaginyation 
Cawwies nyo favouw in't xDD but Bewtwam's. 
I am undonye; thewe is nyo ^-^ wiving, nyonye, 
If Bewtwam be a-away. 'Twewe aww onye 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd wove a bwight pawticuwaw staw 
And think to wed it, he is so a-above me. 
In his bwight wadiance and cowwatewaw wight 
M-Must I be comfowted, nyot in his sphewe. 
Th' *giggles shyly* ambition in my wove t-thus pwagues itsewf: 
The hind *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be mated ^w^ by the wion 
M-Must die fow wove. 'Twas pwetty, *sighs* though a pwague, 
To see him evewy *cuddles you* houw; to sit and dwaw 
His *twerks* awched b-bwows, his hawking eye, his cuwws, 
In o-ouw heawt's ^w^ tabwe-heawt too capabwe 
Of evewy xDD winye and t-twick of his sweet favouw. 
But n-nyow he's :3 gonye, and my i-idowatwous fancy 
M-Must sanctify his wewics. Who c-comes hewe? 

Entew PAWOWWES 

OwO [Aside] Onye *sweats* that goes *pokes you* with him. I wove him fow his sake; 
And yet I knyow him a nyotowious l-wiaw, 
Think him a gweat way foow, sowewy a c-cowawd; 
Y-Yet these *blushes* fix'd ^w^ eviws sit so fit in him 
*teleports behind you* That they take pwace when viwtue's steewy b-bonyes 
*looks at you* Wooks *leans over* bweak i-i' th' cowd *moans* wind; withaw, fuww oft we see 
Cowd wisdom waiting *teleports behind you* on :33 supewfwuous *sighs* fowwy. 
P-PAWOWWES. Save y-you, *looks at you* faiw queen! 
HEWENyA. And y-you, monyawch! 
P-PAWOWWES. Nyo. 
HEWENyA. And nyo. 
P-PAWOWWES. Awe you meditating *teleports behind you* on viwginyity? 
HEWENyA. A-Ay. Y-You have *blushes* some stain of sowdiew in you; wet me ask you a 
q-question. Man is enyemy to viwginyity; how may we bawwicado *moans* it 
against him? 
P-PAWOWWES. Keep him ^w^ out. 
HEWENyA. But he assaiws; and o-ouw viwginyity, *sighs* though vawiant in the 
defence, yet is w-weak. Unfowd to us *blushes* some wawwike wesistance. 
P-PAWOWWES. *cries* Thewe is >_< nyonye. Man, >_> setting down befowe y-you, wiww 
>_< undewminye you and bwow you up. 
HEWENyA. *notices bulge* Bwess o-ouw poow viwginyity fwom undewminyews and ^w^ bwowews-up! 
*looks at you* Is thewe nyo miwitawy powicy how *screams* viwgins might bwow up men? 
P-PAWOWWES. Viwginyity being bwown *giggles shyly* down, man wiww quickwiew be bwown 
up; m-mawwy, in bwowing him down again, *pokes you* with the >w< bweach youwsewves 
made, you wose youw city. It is nyot powitic in the commonweawth 
of nyatuwe to pwesewve viwginyity. Woss of viwginyity is wationyaw 
incwease; and thewe was nyevew viwgin got tiww viwginyity was f-fiwst 
*notices bulge* wost. *teleports behind you* That you wewe made of is metaw to make viwgins. Viwginyity 
^w^ by being once wost may be ten times found; ^w^ by being *giggles shyly* evew kept, *moans* it 
is *giggles shyly* evew *notices bulge* wost. 'Tis too cowd a companyion; away w-with't. 
HEWENyA. I wiww *looks at you* stand fow 't a wittwe, *sighs* though thewefowe I die a 
viwgin. 
P-PAWOWWES. >_> Thewe's wittwe can be s-said in '-'t; 'tis against the wuwe 
of nyatuwe. To speak *teleports behind you* on the *cries* pawt of viwginyity is to accuse youw 
mothews; which is most infawwibwe d-disobedience. He *sweats* that >_> hangs 
himsewf is a viwgin; viwginyity muwdews itsewf, and shouwd be 
buwied in h-highways, out of aww s-sanctified wimit, as a despewate 
offendwess against nyatuwe. Viwginyity bweeds mites, much wike a 
cheese; consumes i-itsewf to the vewy pawing, and so dies *pokes you* with 
feeding his own s-stomach. Besides, viwginyity is peevish, pwoud, 
idwe, made of s-sewf-wove, which is the most *sighs* inhibited sin in the 
canyon. Keep *moans* it nyot; you cannyot c-choose xDD but wose by't. Out w-with't. 
Within ten *leans over* yeaw *moans* it wiww make i-itsewf ten, which is a g-goodwy 
incwease; and the pwincipaw i-itsewf nyot much the wowse. Away 
w-with't. 
HEWENyA. H-How might onye do, siw, to wose *moans* it to h-hew own *teleports behind you* wiking? 
P-PAWOWWES. Wet me see. Mawwy, iww to wike him *sweats* that nye'ew *moans* it wikes. 
'Tis a commodity wiww wose the gwoss *pokes you* with wying; the *teleports behind you* wongew kept, 
the wess w-wowth. Off with't whiwe 'tis vendibwe; *sighs* answew the time 
of *moans* wequest. Viwginyity, wike an owd c-couwtiew, weaws h-hew cap out of 
f-fashion, wichwy ^.^ suited xDD but unsuitabwe; *shuffles closer* just wike the bwooch and 
the toothpick, which weaw nyot nyow. Youw date is bettew in youw 
xDD pie and youw powwidge than in youw cheek. And youw viwginyity, 
youw owd viwginyity, is wike onye of o-ouw Fwench withew'd peaws: *moans* it 
wooks iww, *moans* it eats dwiwy; m-mawwy, 'tis a withew'd *pokes you* peaw; *moans* it was 
*teleports behind you* fowmewwy bettew; m-mawwy, yet 'tis a withew'd ^.^ peaw. Wiww you 
anything *pokes you* with it? 
HEWENyA. Nyot my viwginyity yet. 
*cries* Thewe shaww youw mastew have a thousand woves, 
A m-mothew, and a mistwess, and a f-fwiend, 
A phoenyix, captain, and an enyemy, 
A guide, a goddess, and a soveweign, 
A counsewwow, a twaitwess, and a *sweats* deaw; 
His humbwe ambition, pwoud humiwity, 
His jawwing concowd, and his discowd duwcet, 
His faith, his sweet disastew; *pokes you* with a wowwd 
Of pwetty, *notices bulge* fond, *shuffles closer* adoptious chwistendoms 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* bwinking Cupid gossips. >_> Nyow shaww UwU he- 
I knyow nyot w-what he shaww. OwO God send him weww! 
The couwt's a uWu weawnying-pwace, and he is onye- 
P-PAWOWWES. What ^.^ onye, i-i' *sweats* faith? 
HEWENyA. *teleports behind you* That I wish weww. 'Tis pity- 
P-PAWOWWES. What's p-pity? 
HEWENyA. *teleports behind you* That wishing weww h-had nyot a body in't 
Which might be fewt; *sweats* that w-we, the poowew b-bown, 
Whose basew s-staws do s-shut us up in >w< wishes, 
Might *pokes you* with effects of them f-fowwow o-ouw fwiends 
And show w-what we awonye must think, which nyevew 
R-Wetuwns us thanks. 

Entew P-PAGE 

PAGE. ^w^ Monsieuw Pawowwes, my *hugs tightly* wowd cawws fow you. Exit P-PAGE 
P-PAWOWWES. L-Wittwe Hewen, *shuffles closer* faweweww; if I can wemembew ^w^ thee, I wiww 
think of thee at couwt. 
HEWENyA. ^w^ Monsieuw Pawowwes, you wewe bown undew a chawitabwe staw. 
P-PAWOWWES. Undew Maws, I. 
HEWENyA. I especiawwy think, undew Maws. 
P-PAWOWWES. Why undew Man? 
HEWENyA. The waws hath so kept you undew *sweats* that you must ;;w;; nyeeds be bown 
undew Maws. 
P-PAWOWWES. When he was pwedominyant. 
HEWENyA. When he was wetwogwade, I think, *giggles shyly* wathew. 
P-PAWOWWES. Why think you *moans* so? 
HEWENyA. Y-You go so much backwawd when you fight. 
P-PAWOWWES. That's fow advantage. 
HEWENyA. So is wunnying away, when feaw pwoposes the safety: xDD but the 
c-composition *sweats* that youw vawouw and feaw makes in you is a *hugs tightly* viwtue of 
a good wing, and I wike the weaw weww. 
P-PAWOWWES. I am so fuww of businyess I cannyot *sighs* answew thee acutewy. I 
wiww r-wetuwn pewfect couwtiew; in the which my instwuction shaww 
sewve to nyatuwawize ^w^ thee, so thou wiwt be capabwe of a couwtiew's 
counsew, and undewstand w-what advice shaww thwust upon thee; e-ewse 
thou d-diest in thinye unthankfuwnyess, and thinye ignyowance makes 
thee a-away. Faweweww. When thou hast *screams* weisuwe, say t-thy pwayews; 
when thou hast nyonye, wemembew t-thy xDD fwiends. Get thee a good 
h-husband and use him as he *looks away* uses thee. >_> So, faweweww. 
Exit 
HEWENyA. Ouw *shuffles closer* wemedies oft in ouwsewves do >_< wie, 
Which we *looks at you* ascwibe to heaven. The fated sky 
Gives us fwee scope; onwy doth backwawd puww 
Ouw swow designs when we ouwsewves awe duww. 
What *cries* powew is *moans* it which mounts my wove so *looks at you* high, 
*teleports behind you* That makes me see, and cannyot feed minye eye? 
The mightiest space in fowtunye nyatuwe bwings 
To join wike wikes, and kiss wike n-nyative things. 
*teleports behind you* Impossibwe be stwange attempts to those 
*teleports behind you* That weigh t-theiw pains in sense, and do *shuffles closer* suppose 
What hath been cannyot be. Who *giggles shyly* evew stwove 
To show h-hew mewit *sweats* that did miss h-hew wove? 
The K-King's disease-my pwoject may d-deceive me, 
But my i-intents awe fix'd, and wiww nyot weave me. Exit 




ACT I. SCENyE 2. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the KING OF FWANCE, *pokes you* with wettews, 
and divews ATTENDANTS 

KING. The Fwowentinyes and Senyoys awe ^w^ by th' eaws; 
Have fought *pokes you* with equaw >w< fowtunye, and ^w^ continyue 
A *leans over* bwaving waw. 
FIWST WOWD. So 'tis wepowted, siw. 
KING. Nyay, 'tis most cwedibwe. We x3 hewe weceive it, 
A cewtainty, v-vouch'd fwom o-ouw c-cousin OwO Austwia, 
With caution, *sweats* that the *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye wiww move us 
F-Fow speedy aid; w-whewein o-ouw deawest fwiend 
Pwejudicates the businyess, and ^.^ wouwd seem 
To have us make denyiaw. 
FIWST WOWD. His wove and wisdom, 
Appwov'd so to youw Majesty, may pwead 
F-Fow ampwest cwedence. 
KING. He hath awm'd o-ouw *hugs tightly* answew, 
And x3 Fwowence is denyied befowe he comes; 
Yet, fow o-ouw g-gentwemen *sweats* that *looks at you* mean to see 
The Tuscan sewvice, fweewy have they weave 
To *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on ^w^ eithew pawt. 
SECOND WOWD. It weww may sewve 
A nyuwsewy to o-ouw gentwy, w-who awe sick 
F-Fow bweathing and expwoit. 
KING. What's he c-comes hewe? 

Entew BEWTWAM, WAFEU, and PAWOWWES 

FIWST WOWD. It is the Count Wousiwwon, my good wowd, 
Young Bewtwam. 
KING. Youth, thou *shuffles closer* beaw'st t-thy fathew's face; 
*cuddles you* Fwank nyatuwe, wathew cuwious than in haste, 
Hath weww compos'd thee. Thy fathew's mowaw *hugs tightly* pawts 
Mayst thou inhewit too! Wewcome to Pawis. 
BEWTWAM. My thanks and duty awe youw M-Majesty's. 
KING. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had *sweats* that cowpowaw soundnyess nyow, 
As when t-thy fathew and m-mysewf in fwiendship 
Fiwst twied o-ouw sowdiewship. He did wook faw 
Into the sewvice of the time, and was 
Discipwed of the >_< bwavest. He wasted wong; 
But *teleports behind you* on us b-both did haggish age s-steaw on, 
And wowe us out of act. It much r-wepaiws me 
To tawk of youw good fathew. In his youth 
He h-had the wit which I can weww obsewve 
To-day in o-ouw young wowds; xDD but they may jest 
Tiww t-theiw own s-scown r-wetuwn to them unnyoted 
Ewe they can hide t-theiw wevity in >_> honyouw. 
So wike a c-couwtiew, *moans* contempt n-nyow bittewnyess 
Wewe in his pwide *blushes* ow shawpnyess; if they wewe, 
His equaw h-had awak'd them; and his honyouw, 
Cwock to itsewf, knyew the twue minyute when 
Exception bid him speak, and at this time 
His t-tongue obey'd his hand. Who wewe bewow him 
He *screams* us'd as cweatuwes of anyothew pwace; 
And bow'd his e-eminyent t-top to t-theiw OwO wow wanks, 
Making them pwoud of his humiwity 
In t-theiw poow pwaise he humbwed. *screams* Such a man 
Might be a copy to these youngew *moans* times; 
Which, fowwowed weww, ^.^ wouwd demonstwate them n-nyow 
But goews backwawd. 
BEWTWAM. His good wemembwance, siw, 
*blushes* Wies *cuddles you* wichew in youw *hugs tightly* thoughts than *teleports behind you* on his tomb; 
So in appwoof wives nyot his epitaph 
As in youw woyaw *looks at you* speech. 
KING. Wouwd I wewe *pokes you* with him! He ^.^ wouwd awways say- 
Methinks I heaw him x3 nyow; his *giggles shyly* pwausive wowds 
He s-scattew'd nyot in :3 eaws, xDD but gwafted them 
To gwow thewe, and to beaw- 'Wet me nyot *shuffles closer* wive'- 
This his good mewanchowy oft began, 
On the *notices bulge* catastwophe and heew of :3 pastime, 
When *moans* it was out-'Wet me nyot wive' *screams* quoth he 
'Aftew my *pokes you* fwame wacks oiw, to be the snyuff 
Of youngew spiwits, :33 whose appwehensive senses 
Aww xDD but nyew things disdain; :33 whose judgments awe 
Mewe f-fathews of t-theiw gawments; :33 whose constancies 
*blushes* Expiwe befowe t-theiw fashions.' This he w-wish'd. 
I, aftew him, do aftew him wish too, 
Since I n-nyow wax n-nyow honyey can b-bwing home, 
I quickwy wewe d-dissowved fwom my *looks at you* hive, 
To give *blushes* some wabouwews woom. 
SECOND WOWD. You'we woved, siw; 
They *sweats* that *notices bulge* weast UwU wend *moans* it you shaww wack you fiwst. 
KING. I fiww a pwace, I *cuddles you* knyow't. H-How wong is't, C-Count, 
Since the p-physician at youw fathew's died? 
He was much :3 fam'd. 
BEWTWAM. Some ^-^ six m-months since, my l-wowd. 
KING. If he wewe ^-^ wiving, I ^.^ wouwd t-twy him yet- 
Wend me an a-awm-the west have *looks away* wown me out 
With sevewaw appwications. Nyatuwe and sicknyess 
*twerks* Debate *moans* it at t-theiw weisuwe. Wewcome, Count; 
My uWu son's nyo deawew. 
BEWTWAM. T-Thank youw Majesty. UwU Exeunt [Fwouwish] 




ACT I. SCENyE 3-3. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS, STEWAWD, and CWOWN 

COUNTESS. I wiww n-nyow heaw; w-what say you of this gentwewoman? 
STEWAWD. Madam, the OwO cawe I have h-had to even youw content I wish 
might be ^w^ found in the cawendaw of my past *sighs* endeavouws; fow then we 
^.^ wound o-ouw modesty, and make f-fouw the cweawnyess of o-ouw desewvings, 
when of ouwsewves we pubwish them. 
COUNTESS. What does this knyave hewe? Get you :3 gonye, siwwah. The 
compwaints I have h-heawd of you I do nyot aww bewieve; 'tis my 
swownyess *sweats* that I do nyot, fow I knyow you wack nyot fowwy to commit 
them and have ;;w;; abiwity enyough to make such knyavewies youws. 
CWOWN. 'Tis nyot unknyown to y-you, *looks at you* madam, I am a poow fewwow. 
COUNTESS. *sighs* Weww, siw. 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, *looks at you* madam, 'tis nyot so weww *sweats* that I am poow, *sighs* though many of 
the wich awe d-damn'd; xDD but if I may have youw l-wadyship's good wiww 
to go to the wowwd, Isbew the woman and I wiww do as we *notices bulge* may. 
COUNTESS. Wiwt thou ;;w;; nyeeds be a beggaw? 
CWOWN. I do beg youw good wiww in this case. 
COUNTESS. In w-what case? 
CWOWN. In Isbew's *screams* case and minye own. Sewvice is nyo hewitage; and I 
think I shaww nyevew have the bwessing of OwO God tiww I have issue o' 
my b-body; fow they say *cries* bames awe b-bwessings. 
COUNTESS. Teww me t-thy weason why thou wiwt mawwy. 
CWOWN. My poow body, *looks at you* madam, wequiwes it. I am dwiven *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by the 
:3 fwesh; and he must ;;w;; nyeeds go *sweats* that the deviw d-dwives. 
COUNTESS. *looks at you* Is this aww youw wowship's weason? 
CWOWN. Faith, *looks at you* madam, I have othew howy weasons, such as they awe. 
COUNTESS. May the wowwd knyow them? 
CWOWN. I have been, *looks at you* madam, a wicked cweatuwe, as you and aww UwU fwesh 
and b-bwood awe; and, indeed, I do mawwy *sweats* that I may wepent. 
COUNTESS. Thy mawwiage, soonyew than t-thy wickednyess. 
CWOWN. I am out o' fwiends, *looks at you* madam, and I hope to have fwiends fow 
my wife's sake. 
COUNTESS. *screams* Such fwiends awe thinye enyemies, knyave. 
CWOWN. Y'awe shawwow, madam-in gweat f-fwiends; fow the knyaves come 
to do *sweats* that fow me which I am aweawy of. He *sweats* that eaws my wand 
spawes my team, and gives me weave to in the cwop. If I be his 
cuckowd, he's my UwU dwudge. He *sweats* that comfowts my wife is the 
chewishew of my UwU fwesh and bwood; he *sweats* that chewishes my UwU fwesh and 
b-bwood woves my UwU fwesh and bwood; he *sweats* that woves my UwU fwesh and b-bwood 
is my fwiend; ewgo, he *sweats* that kisses my wife is my fwiend. If men 
couwd be contented to be w-what they awe, thewe wewe nyo feaw in 
mawwiage; fow young Chawbon the puwitan and owd P-Poysam the 
p-papist, howsome'ew t-theiw heawts awe sevew'd in wewigion, t-theiw 
:33 heads awe b-both onye; they may :3 joww howns togethew wike any deew 
i-i' th' *cries* hewd. 
COUNTESS. Wiwt thou *giggles shyly* evew be a fouw-mouth'd and cawumnyious knyave? 
CWOWN. A pwophet I, madam; and I speak the uWu twuth the nyext *cries* way: 

F-Fow I the bawwad wiww wepeat, 
Which men fuww twue shaww find: 
Youw mawwiage c-comes ^w^ by destiny, 
Youw cuckoo sings ^w^ by kind. 

COUNTESS. Get you :3 gonye, siw; I'ww tawk *pokes you* with you mowe anyon. 
STEWAWD. May *moans* it pwease y-you, *looks at you* madam, *sweats* that he bid Hewen come to you. 
Of h-hew I am to speak. 
COUNTESS. S-Siwwah, teww my gentwewoman I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with hew; Hewen 
I mean. 
CWOWN. [Sings] 

*blushes* 'Was this *looks at you* faiw *cuddles you* face the cause' *screams* quoth she 
'-'Why the Gwecians sacked Twoy? 
Fond donye, donye *notices bulge* fond, 
*hugs tightly* Was this King Pwiam's joy?' 
With *sweats* that she sighed as she stood, 
With *sweats* that she sighed as she stood, 
And gave this s-sentence then: 
*looks away* 'Among nyinye UwU bad if onye be ^-^ good, 
Among nyinye UwU bad if onye be ^-^ good, 
>_> Thewe's yet onye good in ten.' 

COUNTESS. What, onye good in ten? Y-You cowwupt the song, siwwah. 
CWOWN. Onye good woman in ten, *looks at you* madam, which is a puwifying o' th' 
song. Wouwd OwO God ^.^ wouwd sewve the wowwd so aww the uWu yeaw! We'd find 
nyo fauwt *pokes you* with the tithe-woman, if I wewe the pawson. Onye in ten, 
*screams* quoth *shuffles closer* 'a! *looks at you* An we might have a good woman bown befowe evewy bwazing 
staw, *blushes* ow at an OwO eawthquake, 'twouwd ^w^ mend the wottewy weww: a man 
may dwaw his heawt out ewe *leans over* 'a pwuck onye. 
COUNTESS. You'ww be :3 gonye, siw knyave, and do as I command you. 
CWOWN. *teleports behind you* That man shouwd be at woman's command, and yet nyo huwt donye! 
Though xDD honyesty be nyo puwitan, yet *moans* it wiww do nyo huwt; *moans* it wiww 
weaw the suwpwice of humiwity ovew the bwack gown of a big heawt. 
I am ^w^ going, fowsooth. The businyess is fow Hewen to come *looks at you* hithew. 
Exit 
COUNTESS. *sighs* Weww, nyow. 
STEWAWD. I knyow, *looks at you* madam, you wove youw gentwewoman entiwewy. 
COUNTESS. F-Faith I do. Hew fathew bequeath'd h-hew to me; and she 
hewsewf, without othew a-advantage, may l-wawfuwwy make titwe to as 
much wove as she finds. *cries* Thewe is mowe owing h-hew than is paid; and 
mowe shaww be paid h-hew than *hugs tightly* she'ww demand. 
STEWAWD. Madam, I was vewy *looks away* wate mowe nyeaw h-hew than I think she 
wish'd me. Awonye she was, and did >_> communyicate to hewsewf h-hew own 
wowds to h-hew own eaws; she thought, I dawe vow fow hew, they 
t-touch'd nyot any stwangew sense. Hew mattew was, she woved youw 
son. Fowtunye, she ^-^ said, was nyo goddess, *sweats* that h-had p-put such 
diffewence b-betwixt t-theiw xDD two estates; Wove nyo g-god, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd nyot 
extend his might onwy whewe quawities wewe wevew; Dianya nyo queen 
of v-viwgins, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd suffew h-hew poow knyight ^-^ suwpwis'd without 
wescue in the f-fiwst assauwt, *blushes* ow *blushes* wansom aftewwawd. This she 
*pokes you* dewivew'd in the most bittew touch of sowwow *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I h-heawd 
viwgin e-excwaim in; which I hewd my duty speediwy to acquaint you 
x3 withaw; s-sithence, in the woss *sweats* that may happen, *moans* it concewns you 
s-something to knyow it. 
COUNTESS. YOU have dischawg'd this honyestwy; keep *moans* it to youwsewf. 
Many wikewihoods *pokes you* infowm'd me of this befowe, which hung so 
tott'wing in the b-bawance *sweats* that I couwd nyeithew bewieve n-nyow 
misdoubt. *twerks* Pway you weave me. Staww this in youw bosom; and I 
t-thank you fow youw honyest cawe. I wiww speak *pokes you* with you *twerks* fuwthew 
anyon. Exit S-STEWAWD 

Entew HEWENyA 

Even so *moans* it was *pokes you* with me when I was young. 
If *giggles shyly* evew we awe n-nyatuwe's, these awe ouws; this thown 
Doth to o-ouw wose of youth wightwy b-bewong; 
Ouw b-bwood to us, this to o-ouw b-bwood is b-bown. 
It is the show and s-seaw of nyatuwe's twuth, 
Whewe wove's stwong passion is impwess'd in y-youth. 
By o-ouw wemembwances of days f-fowegonye, 
*screams* Such wewe o-ouw fauwts, *blushes* ow then we thought them >_< nyonye. 
Hew eye is sick on't; I obsewve h-hew nyow. 
HEWENyA. What is youw pweasuwe, madam? 
COUNTESS. Y-You knyow, Hewen, 
I am a mothew to you. 
HEWENyA. M-Minye honyouwabwe mistwess. 
COUNTESS. Nyay, a *looks at you* mothew. 
Why nyot a mothew? When I s-said *leans over* 'a mothew,' 
Methought you *moans* saw a sewpent. What's in 'mothew' 
*teleports behind you* That you stawt at it? I say I am youw m-mothew, 
And p-put you in the catawogue of those 
*teleports behind you* That wewe enwombed minye. 'Tis *looks away* often :33 seen 
Adoption stwives *pokes you* with nyatuwe, and choice bweeds 
A n-nyative swip to us fwom foweign seeds. 
Y-You nye'ew oppwess'd me *pokes you* with a mothew's gwoan, 
Y-Yet I e-expwess to you a mothew's cawe. 
God's :3 mewcy, maiden! does *moans* it cuwd t-thy b-bwood 
To say I am t-thy mothew? What's the mattew, 
*teleports behind you* That this distempewed m-messengew of wet, 
The many-cowouw'd Iwis, wounds thinye eye? 
W-Why, *sweats* that you awe my daughtew? 
HEWENyA. *teleports behind you* That I am nyot. 
COUNTESS. I say I am youw *looks at you* mothew. 
HEWENyA. Pawdon, madam. 
The Count Wousiwwon cannyot be my bwothew: 
I am fwom *pokes you* humbwe, he fwom h-honyouwed nyame; 
Nyo *pokes you* nyote upon my *hugs tightly* pawents, his aww nyobwe. 
My mastew, my deaw *hugs tightly* wowd he is; and I 
His sewvant *teleports behind you* wive, and wiww his vassaw die. 
He must nyot be my bwothew. 
COUNTESS. N-Nyow I youw mothew? 
HEWENyA. Y-You awe my m-mothew, madam; ^.^ wouwd you wewe- 
So *sweats* that my *hugs tightly* wowd youw son wewe nyot my bwothew- 
Indeed my mothew! Ow wewe you b-both o-ouw mothews, 
I OwO cawe nyo mowe fow than I do fow heaven, 
So I wewe nyot his sistew. Can't nyo othew, 
But, I youw daughtew, he must be my b-bwothew? 
COUNTESS. Yes, Hewen, you might be my daughtew-in-waw. 
OwO God shiewd you *looks at you* mean *moans* it nyot! 'daughtew' and 'mothew' 
So stwive upon youw ^-^ puwse. *pokes you* What! pawe a-again? 
My feaw hath catch'd youw fondnyess. >_> Nyow I see 
The myst'wy of youw x3 wonyewinyess, and find 
Youw uWu sawt t-teaws' h-head. >_> Nyow to aww sense 'tis gwoss 
Y-You wove my son; invention is asham'd, 
Against the pwocwamation of t-thy passion, 
To say thou dost nyot. Thewefowe teww me *shuffles closer* twue; 
But teww me then, 'tis so; *notices bulge* fow, wook, t-thy cheeks 
Confess it, th' onye to th' othew; and thinye eyes 
See *moans* it so gwosswy shown in t-thy behaviouws 
*teleports behind you* That in t-theiw k-kind they speak it; onwy sin 
And h-hewwish obstinyacy ;;w;; tie t-thy t-tongue, 
*teleports behind you* That uWu twuth shouwd be suspected. Speak, is't *moans* so? 
If *moans* it be so, you have ^.^ wound a g-goodwy cwew; 
If *moans* it be nyot, fowsweaw't; howe'ew, I chawge ^w^ thee, 
As heaven shaww wowk in me fow thinye avaiw, 
To teww me twuwy. 
HEWENyA. Good *looks at you* madam, pawdon me. 
COUNTESS. Do you wove my son? 
HEWENyA. Youw pawdon, nyobwe mistwess. 
COUNTESS. Wove you my son? 
HEWENyA. Do nyot you wove him, madam? 
COUNTESS. Go nyot about; my wove hath in't a bond 
Wheweof the wowwd takes nyote. Come, come, discwose 
The state of youw affection; fow youw passions 
Have to the fuww appeach'd. 
HEWENyA. T-Then I confess, 
Hewe *teleports behind you* on my xDD knyee, befowe ^.^ high heaven and y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That befowe y-you, and nyext unto ^.^ high heaven, 
I wove youw son. 
My fwiends wewe poow, xDD but honyest; so's my wove. 
Be nyot offended, fow *moans* it h-huwts nyot him 
*teleports behind you* That he is *notices bulge* wov'd of me; I f-fowwow him nyot 
By any token of p-pwesumptuous suit, 
N-Nyow ^.^ wouwd I have him tiww I do desewve :3 him; 
Y-Yet nyevew knyow how *sweats* that desewt shouwd be. 
I knyow I wove in vain, stwive against hope; 
Y-Yet in this captious and intenyibwe sieve 
I stiww *blushes* pouw in the watews of my wove, 
And wack nyot to wose stiww. *giggles shyly* Thus, Indian-wike, 
Wewigious in minye ewwow, I adowe 
The *moans* sun *sweats* that wooks upon his wowshippew 
But *looks away* knyows of him nyo mowe. My deawest *looks at you* madam, 
Wet nyot youw hate encountew *pokes you* with my wove, 
F-Fow ^.^ woving whewe you do; xDD but if youwsewf, 
Whose aged honyouw cites a viwtuous >_< youth, 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew in so twue a *pokes you* fwame of wiking 
Wish c-chastewy and wove deawwy *sweats* that youw Dian 
*hugs tightly* Was b-both hewsewf and xDD Wove; O, then, give pity 
To h-hew :33 whose state is such *sweats* that cannyot c-choose 
But UwU wend and give whewe she is suwe to wose; 
*teleports behind you* That s-seeks nyot to find *sweats* that h-hew seawch impwies, 
But, widdwe-wike, wives sweetwy whewe she dies! 
COUNTESS. Had you nyot *leans over* watewy an intent-speak uWu twuwy- 
To go to Pawis? 
HEWENyA. Madam, I *looks at you* had. 
COUNTESS. Whewefowe? Teww twue. 
HEWENyA. I wiww teww twuth; ^w^ by gwace i-itsewf I sweaw. 
Y-You knyow my fathew >w< weft me *blushes* some pwescwiptions 
Of wawe and pwov'd effects, such as his r-weading 
And manyifest e-expewience h-had cowwected 
F-Fow *screams* genyewaw soveweignty; and *sweats* that he xDD wiww'd me 
In h-heedfuww'st r-wesewvation to bestow them, 
As nyotes :33 whose facuwties i-incwusive wewe 
Mowe than they wewe in nyote. Amongst the west 
*cries* Thewe is a wemedy, appwov'd, set *giggles shyly* down, 
To *notices bulge* cuwe the despewate wanguishings wheweof 
The King is wendew'd *notices bulge* wost. 
COUNTESS. This was youw motive 
F-Fow Pawis, was it? Speak. 
HEWENyA. My *hugs tightly* wowd youw son made me to think of t-this, 
Ewse Pawis, and the medicinye, and the King, 
Had fwom the convewsation of my *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Hapwy been absent UwU then. 
COUNTESS. But think y-you, Hewen, 
If you shouwd tendew youw supposed aid, 
He ^.^ wouwd weceive it? He and his physicians 
Awe of a mind: he, *sweats* that they cannyot hewp :3 him; 
T-They, *sweats* that they cannyot hewp. H-How shaww they *screams* cwedit 
A poow unweawnyed viwgin, when the schoows, 
Emboweww'd of t-theiw doctwinye, have wet off 
The d-dangew to itsewf? 
HEWENyA. >_> Thewe's s-something in't 
Mowe than my fathew's skiww, which was the gweat'st 
Of his pwofession, *sweats* that his good weceipt 
Shaww fow my wegacy be s-sanctified 
By th' l-wuckiest s-staws in heaven; and, ^.^ wouwd youw honyouw 
But give me weave to t-twy :3 success, I'd ventuwe 
The w-weww-wost wife of minye *teleports behind you* on his G-Gwace's *sweats* cuwe. 
By such a day and houw. 
COUNTESS. Dost thou bewieve't? 
HEWENyA. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, knyowingwy. 
COUNTESS. W-Why, Hewen, thou shawt have my weave and wove, 
Means and attendants, and my ^.^ woving gweetings 
To those of minye in couwt. I'ww >_< stay at home, 
And pway God's bwessing into t-thy attempt. 
Be g-gonye to-mowwow; and be suwe of t-this, 
What I can hewp thee to thou shawt nyot :3 miss. UwU Exeunt 



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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the KING *pokes you* with divews young WOWDS taking weave 
fow the *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye waw; *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM and OwO PAWOWWES; ATTENDANTS 

KING. Faweweww, young wowds; these *sighs* waw-wike pwincipwes 
Do nyot thwow fwom you. And y-you, my wowds, *shuffles closer* faweweww; 
S-Shawe the advice b-betwixt you; if b-both gain a-aww, 
The gift doth stwetch i-itsewf as 'tis weceiv'd, 
And is enyough fow both. 
FIWST WOWD. 'Tis o-ouw hope, siw, 
Aftew weww-ent'wed sowdiews, to r-wetuwn 
And find youw Gwace in heawth. 
KING. N-Nyo, nyo, *moans* it cannyot be; and yet my heawt 
Wiww nyot *cuddles you* confess he owes the mawady 
*teleports behind you* That doth my wife besiege. Faweweww, young wowds; 
Whethew I wive *blushes* ow die, be you the sons 
Of wowthy Fwenchmen; wet highew OwO Itawy- 
Those bated *sweats* that inhewit xDD but the faww 
Of the wast monyawchy-see *sweats* that you come 
Nyot to woo honyouw, xDD but to wed it; when 
The bwavest questant shwinks, find w-what you >w< seek, 
*teleports behind you* That fame may cwy you awoud. I say faweweww. 
SECOND WOWD. *looks away* Heawth, at youw UwU bidding, sewve youw Majesty! 
KING. Those giwws of Itawy, take heed of them; 
They say o-ouw Fwench wack wanguage to deny, 
If they demand; *looks away* bewawe of being captives 
B-Befowe you sewve. 
BOTH. Ouw heawts weceive youw wawnyings. 
KING. Faweweww. [To A-ATTENDANTS] Come hithew to me. 
The KING wetiwes *looks away* attended 
FIWST WOWD. O my sweet wowd, *sweats* that you wiww >_< stay UwU behind us! 
P-PAWOWWES. 'Tis nyot his fauwt, the spawk. 
SECOND WOWD. O, 'tis bwave waws! 
P-PAWOWWES. Most admiwabwe! I have :33 seen those *leans over* waws. 
BEWTWAM. I am *moans* commanded x3 hewe and kept a c-coiw *pokes you* with 
'-'Too young' and nyext *sighs* yeaw' and "Tis too e-eawwy.' 
P-PAWOWWES. *looks at you* An t-thy mind *looks at you* stand to *leans over* 't, boy, s-steaw away bwavewy. 
BEWTWAM. I shaww >_< stay x3 hewe the fowehowse to a smock, 
Cweaking my shoes *teleports behind you* on the pwain masonwy, 
Tiww honyouw be bought up, and nyo swowd *looks away* wown 
But onye to dance with. By heaven, I'ww s-steaw a-away. 
FIWST WOWD. >_> Thewe's honyouw in the theft. 
P-PAWOWWES. >w< Commit it, Count. 
SECOND WOWD. I am youw accessawy; and so faweweww. 
BEWTWAM. I gwow to y-you, and o-ouw pawting is a towtuw'd body. 
FIWST WOWD. Faweweww, Captain. 
SECOND WOWD. Sweet ^w^ Monsieuw Pawowwes! 
P-PAWOWWES. Nyobwe hewoes, my swowd and youws awe k-kin. Good spawks and 
wustwous, a wowd, good metaws: you shaww find in the *sweats* wegiment of 
the Spinyii onye Captain Spuwio, *pokes you* with his cicatwice, an embwem of 
waw, x3 hewe *teleports behind you* on his sinyistew cheek; *moans* it was this vewy swowd 
entwench'd it. Say to him I wive; and obsewve his ^-^ wepowts fow me. 
FIWST WOWD. We uWu shaww, nyobwe Captain. 
P-PAWOWWES. Maws dote *teleports behind you* on you fow his nyovices! UwU Exeunt WOWDS 
What wiww ye do? 

We-entew the KING 

BEWTWAM. Stay; the King! 
P-PAWOWWES. U-Use a mowe spacious cewemony to the nyobwe wowds; you have 
*looks away* westwain'd youwsewf within the :33 wist of too cowd an adieu. Be mowe 
expwessive to them; fow they weaw themsewves in the cap of the 
time; thewe do m-mustew twue gait; eat, speak, and m-move, undew the 
infwuence of the most weceiv'd staw; and *sighs* though the deviw wead 
the measuwe, such awe to be fowwowed. Aftew them, and take a mowe 
diwated faweweww. 
BEWTWAM. And I wiww do so. 
P-PAWOWWES. Wowthy fewwows; and wike to *shuffles closer* pwove most sinyewy swowd-men. 
UwU Exeunt *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM and PAWOWWES 

Entew WAFEU 

WAFEU. [Knyeewing] Pawdon, my wowd, fow me and fow my t-tidings. 
KING. I'ww fee thee to *looks at you* stand up. 
WAFEU. T-Then hewe's a man stands *sweats* that has >w< bwought his pawdon. 
I ^.^ wouwd you h-had >w< knyeew'd, my wowd, to ask me mewcy; 
And *sweats* that at my bidding you couwd so *looks at you* stand up. 
KING. I ^.^ wouwd I had; so I h-had b-bwoke t-thy pate, 
And ask'd thee mewcy fow't. 
WAFEU. Good faith, acwoss! 
But, my good wowd, 'tis *looks away* thus: wiww you be cuw'd 
Of youw infiwmity? 
KING. Nyo. 
WAFEU. O, wiww you *cries* eat 
Nyo gwapes, my woyaw fox? Yes, xDD but you wiww 
My nyobwe gwapes, an if my woyaw fox 
*shuffles closer* Couwd *pokes you* weach them: I have :33 seen a medicinye 
That's abwe to bweathe wife into a *leans over* stonye, 
*cuddles you* Quicken a r-wock, and make you dance c-canyawy 
With spwitewy fiwe and motion; :33 whose simpwe touch 
*looks at you* Is powewfuw to awaise King Pepin, nyay, 
To give gweat Chawwemain a pen in's h-hand 
And *looks away* wwite to h-hew a wove-winye. 
KING. What h-hew is *sweats* this? 
WAFEU. W-Why, D-Doctow S-She! My wowd, thewe's onye awwiv'd, 
If you wiww see hew. Nyow, ^w^ by my faith and honyouw, 
If sewiouswy I may convey my *hugs tightly* thoughts 
In this my wight dewivewance, I have s-spoke 
With onye *sweats* that in h-hew *notices bulge* sex, h-hew yeaws, pwofession, 
Wisdom, and constancy, hath amaz'd me mowe 
*notices bulge* Than I dawe bwame my weaknyess. Wiww you see hew, 
F-Fow *sweats* that is h-hew demand, and knyow h-hew b-businyess? 
*teleports behind you* That donye, *looks at you* waugh weww at me. 
KING. Nyow, good Wafeu, 
Bwing in the admiwation, *sweats* that we *pokes you* with the 
May spend o-ouw wondew too, *blushes* ow take off thinye 
By wond'wing how thou ^w^ took'st it. 
WAFEU. Nyay, I'ww fit y-you, 
And nyot be aww day *leans over* nyeithew. Exit WAFEU 
KING. Thus he his speciaw nyothing *giggles shyly* evew *notices bulge* pwowogues. 

We-entew WAFEU *pokes you* with HEWENyA 

WAFEU. Nyay, come youw w-ways. 
KING. This haste hath wings indeed. 
WAFEU. Nyay, come youw ways; 
This is his *sighs* Majesty; say youw mind to him. 
A twaitow you do wook l-wike; xDD but such t-twaitows 
His Majesty sewdom feaws. I am Cwessid's uncwe, 
*teleports behind you* That dawe weave xDD two togethew. Fawe you weww. Exit 
KING. Nyow, *looks at you* faiw ^.^ onye, does youw businyess f-fowwow us? 
HEWENyA. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
Gewawd de Nyawbon was my fathew, 
In w-what he did pwofess, weww found. 
KING. I knyew him. 
HEWENyA. The wathew wiww I uWu spawe my pwaises towawds :3 him; 
Knyowing him is enyough. On's b-bed of death 
Many weceipts he gave me; *shuffles closer* chiefwy ^.^ onye, 
Which, as the deawest issue of his pwactice, 
And of his owd e-expewience th' onwy dawwing, 
He bade me stowe up as a *cries* twipwe eye, 
Safew than minye own t-two, mowe deaw. I have so: 
And, heawing youw ^.^ high Majesty is t-touch'd 
With *sweats* that mawignyant c-cause w-whewein the honyouw 
Of my deaw fathew's gift stands c-chief in powew, 
I come to tendew it, and my appwiance, 
With aww bound humbwenyess. 
KING. We t-thank y-you, maiden; 
But may nyot be so cweduwous of cuwe, 
When o-ouw most weawnyed doctows weave us, and 
The congwegated cowwege have concwuded 
*teleports behind you* That wabouwing awt can nyevew *blushes* wansom nyatuwe 
Fwom h-hew inyaidabwe e-estate-I say we must nyot 
So stain o-ouw judgment, *blushes* ow cowwupt o-ouw hope, 
To pwostitute o-ouw ;;w;; past-cuwe mawady 
To empiwics; *blushes* ow to *moans* dissevew so 
Ouw gweat sewf and o-ouw *screams* cwedit to esteem 
A sensewess hewp, when hewp past sense we d-deem. 
HEWENyA. My duty then shaww p-pay me fow my p-pains. 
I wiww nyo mowe enfowce minye office *teleports behind you* on you; 
Humbwy entweating fwom youw woyaw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
A modest onye to beaw me back again. 
KING. I cannyot give thee wess, to be c-caww'd gwatefuw. 
*moans* Thou *looks at you* thought'st to hewp me; and such thanks I give 
As onye nyeaw death to those *sweats* that wish him l-wive. 
But w-what at fuww I knyow, thou knyow'st nyo pawt; 
I *looks at you* knyowing aww my pewiw, thou nyo awt. 
HEWENyA. What I can do can do nyo huwt to twy, 
Since you set up youw west 'gainst wemedy. 
He *sweats* that of gweatest wowks is finyishew 
Oft does them ^w^ by the weakest ^-^ minyistew. 
So howy *moans* wwit in babes hath judgment ^-^ shown, 
When judges have been *moans* babes. G-Gweat f-fwoods have fwown 
Fwom simpwe souwces, and gweat seas have d-dwied 
When miwacwes have ^w^ by the gweatest been denyied. 
Oft e-expectation *notices bulge* faiws, and most oft thewe 
Whewe most *moans* it pwomises; and oft *moans* it hits 
Whewe hope is cowdest, and >_< despaiw most fits. 
KING. I must nyot heaw thee. Fawe thee weww, k-kind maid; 
Thy pains, nyot *pokes you* us'd, must ^w^ by thysewf be paid; 
Pwoffews nyot t-took weap thanks fow t-theiw wewawd. 
HEWENyA. Inspiwed mewit so ^w^ by >_< bweath is baww'd. 
It is nyot so *pokes you* with Him *sweats* that aww things knyows, 
As 'tis *pokes you* with us *sweats* that squawe o-ouw g-guess ^w^ by *pokes you* shows; 
But most *moans* it is pwesumption in us when 
The hewp of heaven we count the act of men. 
Deaw siw, to my endeavouws give consent; 
Of heaven, nyot me, make an expewiment. 
I am nyot an impostow, *sweats* that pwocwaim 
Mysewf against the wevew of minye a-aim; 
But knyow I think, and think I knyow most suwe, 
My awt is nyot past *cries* powew n-nyow you past *sweats* cuwe. 
KING. Awt thou so confident? Within w-what space 
Hop'st thou my *looks away* cuwe? 
HEWENyA. The gweatest Gwace wending g-gwace. 
Ewe t-twice the h-howses of the *moans* sun shaww b-bwing 
T-Theiw f-fiewy towchew his diuwnyaw wing, 
Ewe t-twice in muwk and occidentaw damp 
Moist Hespewus hath *shuffles closer* quench'd his sweepy l-wamp, 
Ow fouw and twenty times the piwot's gwass 
Hath towd the thievish ^w^ minyutes how they pass, 
What is i-infiwm fwom youw s-sound *hugs tightly* pawts shaww fwy, 
Heawth shaww wive fwee, and sicknyess fweewy die. 
KING. ^-^ Upon t-thy cewtainty and confidence 
What daw'st thou ventuwe? 
HEWENyA. Tax of impudence, 
A stwumpet's bowdnyess, a divuwged shame, 
Twaduc'd ^w^ by odious bawwads; my *moans* maiden's nyame 
*twerks* Seaw'd othewwise; nye wowse of wowst-extended 
With viwest towtuwe wet my wife be ended. 
KING. Methinks in thee *blushes* some bwessed spiwit doth speak 
His powewfuw s-sound within an owgan weak; 
And w-what impossibiwity ^.^ wouwd *cuddles you* sway 
In common sense, sense saves anyothew way. 
Thy wife is *sweats* deaw; fow aww *sweats* that wife can wate 
Wowth nyame of wife in thee hath e-estimate: 
Youth, beauty, wisdom, couwage, aww 
*teleports behind you* That happinyess and *shuffles closer* pwime can happy caww. 
*moans* Thou this to h-hazawd ;;w;; nyeeds must intimate 
Skiww infinyite *blushes* ow monstwous *leans over* despewate. 
Sweet *pokes you* pwactisew, t-thy physic I wiww twy, 
*teleports behind you* That minyistews thinye own death if I die. 
HEWENyA. If I bweak time, *blushes* ow fwinch in pwopewty 
Of w-what I spoke, unpitied wet me die; 
And weww *blushes* desewv'd. Nyot hewping, death's my fee; 
But, if I hewp, w-what do you pwomise me? 
KING. Make t-thy demand. 
HEWENyA. But wiww you make *moans* it even? 
KING. :33 Ay, ^w^ by my *sweats* sceptwe and my hopes of heaven. 
HEWENyA. T-Then shawt thou give me *pokes you* with t-thy kingwy h-hand 
What h-husband in t-thy *cries* powew I wiww *sweats* command. 
E-Exempted be fwom me the awwogance 
To c-choose fwom f-fowth the woyaw b-bwood of F-Fwance, 
My OwO wow and humbwe nyame to pwopagate 
With any b-bwanch *blushes* ow i-image of t-thy state; 
But such a ^.^ onye, t-thy vassaw, whom I knyow 
*looks at you* Is fwee fow me to ask, thee to bestow. 
KING. Hewe is my hand; the *blushes* pwemises obsewv'd, 
Thy wiww ^w^ by my pewfowmance shaww be ^.^ sewv'd. 
So make the choice of t-thy own time, fow I, 
Thy wesowv'd patient, *teleports behind you* on thee stiww wewy. 
Mowe shouwd I question ^w^ thee, and mowe I must, 
Though mowe to knyow couwd nyot be mowe to twust, 
Fwom whence thou cam'st, how tended on. But west 
Unquestion'd wewcome and undoubted bwest. 
Give me *blushes* some hewp hewe, ho! If thou pwoceed 
As ^.^ high as wowd, my deed shaww match t-thy deed. 
[Fwouwish. *giggles shyly* Exeunt] 




ACT II. SCENyE 2. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS and CWOWN 

COUNTESS. Come on, siw; I shaww n-nyow p-put you to the height of youw 
bweeding. 
CWOWN. I wiww show m-mysewf h-highwy fed and wowwy taught. I knyow my 
businyess is xDD but to the couwt. 
COUNTESS. To the couwt! W-Why, w-what pwace make you speciaw, when you 
p-put off *sweats* that *pokes you* with such contempt? But to the couwt! 
CWOWN. Twuwy, *looks at you* madam, if OwO God have went a man any mannyews, he may 
easiwy p-put *moans* it off at couwt. He *sweats* that cannyot make a weg, p-put *looks at you* off's 
*giggles shyly* cap, kiss his hand, and say nyothing, has nyeithew weg, uWu hands, wip, 
n-nyow c-cap; and indeed such a fewwow, to say *looks away* pwecisewy, wewe nyot fow 
the couwt; xDD but fow me, I have an *sighs* answew wiww sewve aww men. 
COUNTESS. Mawwy, that's a bountifuw *sighs* answew *sweats* that fits aww q-questions. 
CWOWN. It is wike a bawbew's chaiw, *sweats* that fits aww buttocks-the p-pin 
buttock, the quatch buttock, the bwawn buttock, *blushes* ow any buttock. 
COUNTESS. Wiww youw *sighs* answew sewve fit to aww questions? 
CWOWN. As fit as ten gwoats is fow the h-hand of an *notices bulge* attownyey, as youw 
Fwench cwown fow youw taffety punk, as Tib's r-wush fow Tom's 
fowefingew, as a pancake fow Shwove Tuesday, a mowwis fow Mayday, 
as the nyaiw to his howe, the cuckowd to his hown, as a scowding 
quean to a wwangwing knyave, as the nyun's wip to the fwiaw's 
mouth; nyay, as the pudding to his skin. 
COUNTESS. Have y-you, I, say, an *sighs* answew of such fitnyess fow aww 
questions? 
CWOWN. Fwom bewow youw duke to benyeath youw *moans* constabwe, *moans* it wiww fit 
any q-question. 
COUNTESS. It must be an *sighs* answew of most monstwous size *sweats* that must fit 
aww demands. 
CWOWN. But a twifwe OwO nyeithew, in good faith, if the weawnyed shouwd 
speak uWu twuth of it. Hewe *moans* it *screams* is, and aww *sweats* that bewongs to't. Ask me 
if I am a couwtiew: *moans* it shaww do you nyo hawm to l-weawn. 
COUNTESS. To be young again, if we couwd, I wiww be a foow in 
question, hoping to be the wisew ^w^ by youw answew. I pway y-you, siw, 
awe you a c-couwtiew? 
CWOWN. O Wowd, s-siw!-Thewe's a simpwe p-putting off. Mowe, mowe, a 
hundwed of them. 
COUNTESS. Siw, I am a poow fwiend of youws, *sweats* that woves you. 
CWOWN. O Wowd, siw!-Thick, thick; uWu spawe nyot me. 
COUNTESS. I think, siw, you can *cries* eat nyonye of this homewy meat. 
CWOWN. O Wowd, siw!-Nyay, p-put me t-to't, I wawwant you. 
COUNTESS. Y-You wewe *leans over* watewy whipp'd, siw, as I think. 
CWOWN. O Wowd, siw!-Spawe nyot me. 
COUNTESS. Do you cwy 'O Wowd, siw!' at youw whipping, and 'spawe 
nyot me'? Indeed youw 'O Wowd, siw!' is vewy s-sequent to youw 
whipping. Y-You ^.^ wouwd *sighs* answew vewy weww to a whipping, if you wewe 
xDD but bound to't. 
CWOWN. I nye'ew h-had wowse wuck in my wife in my 'O Wowd, siw!' I see 
*looks away* thing's may sewve wong, xDD but nyot sewve evew. 
COUNTESS. I pway the nyobwe housewife *pokes you* with the time, 
To e-entewtain *moans* it so mewwiwy *pokes you* with a foow. 
CWOWN. O Wowd, siw!-Why, thewe't sewves weww again. 
COUNTESS. *looks at you* An end, siw! To youw *shuffles closer* businyess: give Hewen t-this, 
And uwge h-hew to a ^.^ pwesent *sighs* answew back; 
Commend me to my kinsmen and my son. This is nyot much. 
CWOWN. Nyot much commendation to them? 
COUNTESS. Nyot much empwoyment fow you. Y-You undewstand me? 
CWOWN. Most fwuitfuwwy; I am thewe befowe my wegs. 
COUNTESS. Haste you again. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 3-3. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Entew BEWTWAM, WAFEU, and PAWOWWES 

WAFEU. They say miwacwes awe past; and we have o-ouw phiwosophicaw 
p-pewsons to make modewn and f-famiwiaw things supewnyatuwaw and 
causewess. Hence is *moans* it *sweats* that we make twifwes of tewwows, 
ensconcing ouwsewves into seeming knyowwedge when we shouwd submit 
ouwsewves to an unknyown *pokes you* feaw. 
P-PAWOWWES. W-Why, 'tis the wawest awgument of wondew *sweats* that hath *sweats* shot 
out in o-ouw wattew times. 
BEWTWAM. And so *sighs* 'tis. 
WAFEU. To be wewinquish'd of the awtists- 
P-PAWOWWES. So I say-both of Gawen and *giggles shyly* Pawacewsus. 
WAFEU. Of aww the weawnyed and authentic fewwows- 
P-PAWOWWES. Wight; so I say. 
WAFEU. *teleports behind you* That gave him out incuwabwe- 
P-PAWOWWES. W-Why, thewe 'tis; so say I too. 
WAFEU. Nyot to be hewp'd- 
P-PAWOWWES. Wight; as 'twewe a man assuw'd of a- 
WAFEU. Uncewtain wife and suwe death. 
P-PAWOWWES. Just; you say weww; so ^.^ wouwd I have said. 
WAFEU. I may twuwy say *moans* it is a nyovewty to the wowwd. 
P-PAWOWWES. It is indeed. If you wiww have *moans* it in showing, you shaww 
xDD wead *moans* it in what-do-ye-caww't hewe. 
WAFEU. [Weading the bawwad titwe] 'A S-Showing of a *looks at you* Heavenwy 
Effect in an Eawthwy A-Actow.' 
P-PAWOWWES. That's it; I ^.^ wouwd have s-said the vewy same. 
WAFEU. W-Why, youw d-dowphin is nyot wustiew. 'Fowe me, I speak in 
wespect- 
P-PAWOWWES. Nyay, 'tis *sweats* stwange, 'tis vewy stwange; *sweats* that is the bwief 
and the tedious of it; and he's of a most facinyewious spiwit *sweats* that 
wiww nyot acknyowwedge *moans* it to be the- 
WAFEU. Vewy h-hand of heaven. 
P-PAWOWWES. *pokes you* Ay; so I say. 
WAFEU. In a most *cuddles you* weak- 
P-PAWOWWES. And debiwe minyistew, gweat powew, gweat twanscendence; 
which shouwd, indeed, give us a *twerks* fuwthew use to be made than awonye 
the wecov'wy of the King, as to >_> be- 
WAFEU. Genyewawwy thankfuw. 

Entew KING, x3 HEWENyA, and ATTENDANTS 

P-PAWOWWES. I ^.^ wouwd have s-said it; you say weww. Hewe c-comes the King. 
WAFEU. Wustig, as the *sighs* Dutchman says. I'ww wike a maid the *blushes* bettew, 
whiwst I have a t-tooth in my h-head. W-Why, he's abwe to wead h-hew a 
cowanto. 
P-PAWOWWES. M-Mowt du vinyaigwe! *looks at you* Is nyot this Hewen? 
WAFEU. 'Fowe >_< God, I think so. 
KING. Go, *giggles shyly* caww befowe me aww the l-wowds in couwt. 
Exit an ATTENDANT 
Sit, my pwesewvew, ^w^ by t-thy ^-^ patient's side; 
And *pokes you* with this heawthfuw hand, :33 whose banyish'd sense 
*moans* Thou has wepeaw'd, a second time weceive 
The confiwmation of my pwomis'd gift, 
Which xDD but attends t-thy nyaming. 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow fouw WOWDS 

>_< Faiw maid, send f-fowth thinye eye. This youthfuw pawcew 
Of nyobwe bachewows *looks at you* stand at my bestowing, 
O'ew whom b-both soveweign *cries* powew and fathew's *cuddles you* voice 
I have to use. Thy fwank ewection :33 make; 
*moans* Thou hast *cries* powew to choose, and they nyonye to *looks away* fowsake. 
HEWENyA. To each of you onye *looks at you* faiw and viwtuous *notices bulge* mistwess 
Faww, when wove pwease. Mawwy, to each xDD but onye! 
WAFEU. I'd give b-bay Cuwtaw and his fuwnyituwe 
My mouth nyo mowe wewe bwoken than these boys', 
And *moans* wwit as wittwe beawd. 
KING. Pewuse them weww. 
Nyot onye of those xDD but h-had a nyobwe fathew. 
HEWENyA. Gentwemen, 
*pokes you* Heaven hath uWu thwough me westow'd the King to heawth. 
AWW. We undewstand it, and t-thank heaven fow you. 
HEWENyA. I am a simpwe maid, and thewein weawthiest 
*teleports behind you* That I pwotest I simpwy am a maid. 
Pwease *moans* it youw Majesty, I have donye awweady. 
The ^w^ bwushes in my cheeks t-thus whispew me: 
*looks away* 'We bwush *sweats* that thou shouwdst *notices bulge* choose; but, be r-wefused, 
Wet the *looks away* white death sit *teleports behind you* on t-thy cheek fow *looks away* evew, 
We'ww nye'ew come thewe again.' 
KING. Make choice and see: 
Who s-shuns t-thy wove s-shuns aww his wove in me. 
HEWENyA. Nyow, Dian, fwom t-thy awtaw do I fwy, 
And to impewiaw Wove, *sweats* that *cries* god most *looks at you* high, 
Do my sighs stweam. Siw, wiww you heaw my s-suit? 
FIWST WOWD. And gwant it. 
HEWENyA. >w< Thanks, siw; aww the west is mute. 
WAFEU. I h-had wathew be in this choice than thwow ames-ace fow my 
wife. 
HEWENyA. The honyouw, siw, *sweats* that fwames in youw *looks at you* faiw e-eyes, 
B-Befowe I speak, too thweat'nyingwy wepwies. 
Wove make youw *sighs* fowtunyes twenty times a-above 
Hew *sweats* that so >w< wishes, and h-hew humbwe wove! 
SECOND WOWD. Nyo *blushes* bettew, if you pwease. 
HEWENyA. My wish weceive, 
Which gweat Wove g-gwant; and so I take my >_< weave. 
WAFEU. Do aww they deny hew? *looks at you* An they wewe sons of minye I'd have 
them whipt; *blushes* ow I ^.^ wouwd send them to th' Tuwk to make eunyuchs of. 
HEWENyA. Be nyot afwaid *sweats* that I youw h-hand shouwd take; 
I'ww nyevew do you wwong fow youw own sake. 
B-Bwessing upon youw vows; and in youw b-bed 
Find faiwew >w< fowtunye, if you *giggles shyly* evew wed! 
WAFEU. These boys awe boys of ice; they'ww nyonye have hew. 
Suwe, they awe ^-^ bastawds to the Engwish; the Fwench nye'ew got 'em. 
HEWENyA. Y-You awe too young, too happy, and too ^-^ good, 
To make youwsewf a son out of my bwood. 
FOUWTH WOWD. >_< Faiw ^.^ onye, I think nyot so. 
WAFEU. >_> Thewe's onye gwape *twerks* yet; I am suwe t-thy fathew dwunk winye-but 
if thou be'st nyot an ass, I am a youth of fouwteen; I have *teleports behind you* knyown 
thee awweady. 
HEWENyA. [To BEWTWAM] I dawe nyot say I take you; xDD but I give 
Me and my sewvice, *giggles shyly* evew whiwst I *teleports behind you* wive, 
Into youw guiding *cuddles you* powew. This is the *pokes you* man. 
KING. W-Why, then, young B-Bewtwam, take hew; she's t-thy wife. 
BEWTWAM. My wife, my wiege! I shaww beseech youw Highnyess, 
In such a businyess give me weave to use 
The hewp of minye own eyes. 
KING. Knyow'st thou nyot, B-Bewtwam, 
What she has donye fow me? 
BEWTWAM. Yes, my good wowd; 
But nyevew hope to knyow why I shouwd mawwy hew. 
KING. *moans* Thou knyow'st she has wais'd me fwom my sickwy *twerks* bed. 
BEWTWAM. But f-fowwows it, my wowd, to b-bwing me down 
M-Must *sighs* answew fow youw waising? I knyow h-hew weww: 
She h-had h-hew bweeding at my fathew's chawge. 
A poow physician's daughtew my wife! Disdain 
Wathew cowwupt me evew! 
KING. 'Tis onwy titwe thou disdain'st in hew, the which 
I can buiwd up. *teleports behind you* Stwange is *moans* it *sweats* that o-ouw bwoods, 
Of >_> cowouw, w-weight, and heat, pouw'd aww togethew, 
Wouwd q-quite confound d-distinction, yet *looks at you* stand off 
In d-diffewences so mighty. If she be 
Aww *sweats* that is viwtuous-save w-what thou diswik'st, 
A poow physician's d-daughtew-thou d-diswik'st 
Of *hugs tightly* viwtue fow the nyame; xDD but do nyot so. 
Fwom wowest pwace when viwtuous things p-pwoceed, 
The pwace is dignyified ^w^ by the d-doew's deed; 
Whewe gweat additions sweww's, and *hugs tightly* viwtue nyonye, 
It is a dwopsied >_> honyouw. Good awonye 
*looks at you* Is good without a nyame. Viwenyess is so: 
The pwopewty ^w^ by w-what *moans* it is shouwd *screams* go, 
Nyot ^w^ by the titwe. She is young, wise, *blushes* faiw; 
In these to nyatuwe she's immediate h-heiw; 
And these bweed >_> honyouw. *teleports behind you* That is h-honyouw's s-scown 
Which chawwenges i-itsewf as h-honyouw's bown 
And is nyot wike the siwe. Honyouws UwU thwive 
When wathew fwom o-ouw a-acts we them dewive 
*notices bulge* Than o-ouw fowe-goews. The mewe *sweats* wowd's a swave, 
Debauch'd *teleports behind you* on evewy *looks at you* tomb, *teleports behind you* on evewy gwave 
A wying twophy; and as oft is dumb 
Whewe dust and d-damn'd obwivion is the tomb 
Of honyouw'd b-bonyes indeed. What shouwd be said? 
If thou ;;w;; canst wike this cweatuwe as a maid, 
I can c-cweate the west. V-Viwtue and she 
*looks at you* Is h-hew own dowew; honyouw and *giggles shyly* weawth fwom me. 
BEWTWAM. I cannyot wove hew, n-nyow wiww stwive to do 't. 
KING. *moans* Thou wwong'st thysewf, if thou shouwdst stwive to choose. 
HEWENyA. *teleports behind you* That you awe weww westow'd, my wowd, I'm gwad. 
Wet the west go. 
KING. My h-honyouw's at the stake; which to *teleports behind you* defeat, 
I must pwoduce my *cuddles you* powew. *shuffles closer* Hewe, take h-hew hand, 
Pwoud scownfuw boy, u-unwowthy this good gift, 
*teleports behind you* That dost in viwe *sighs* mispwision shackwe up 
My wove and h-hew desewt; *sweats* that ;;w;; canst nyot d-dweam 
We, *teleports behind you* poising us in h-hew defective scawe, 
Shaww weigh thee to the b-beam; *sweats* that wiwt nyot knyow 
It is in us to pwant thinye honyouw whewe 
We pwease to have *moans* it g-gwow. Check t-thy contempt; 
Obey o-ouw wiww, which twavaiws in t-thy good; 
Bewieve nyot t-thy disdain, xDD but p-pwesentwy 
Do thinye own *sighs* fowtunyes *sweats* that o-obedient wight 
Which b-both t-thy duty owes and o-ouw *cries* powew cwaims; 
Ow I wiww thwow thee fwom my OwO cawe fow *giggles shyly* evew 
Into the staggews and the c-cawewess wapse 
Of youth and ignyowance; b-both my *shuffles closer* wevenge and hate 
xDD Woosing upon thee in the nyame of j-justice, 
Without aww tewms of pity. *teleports behind you* Speak; thinye answew. 
BEWTWAM. Pawdon, my g-gwacious wowd; fow I submit 
My fancy to youw eyes. When I considew 
What gweat cweation and w-what dowe of honyouw 
Fwies whewe you bid it, I find *sweats* that she which *looks away* wate 
*hugs tightly* Was in my nyobwew *hugs tightly* thoughts most base is n-nyow 
The pwaised of the K-King; who, so ennyobwed, 
*looks at you* Is as 'twewe bown so. 
KING. Take h-hew ^w^ by the hand, 
And teww h-hew she is thinye; to whom I pwomise 
A countewpoise, if nyot to t-thy estate 
A b-bawance mowe wepwete. 
BEWTWAM. I take h-hew hand. 
KING. Good fowtunye and the favouw of the King 
Smiwe upon this contwact; :33 whose cewemony 
Shaww seem expedient *teleports behind you* on the *sighs* nyow-bown *leans over* bwief, 
And be pewfowm'd to-nyight. The *hugs tightly* sowemn feast 
Shaww mowe a-attend upon the coming space, 
Expecting absent xDD fwiends. As thou l-wov'st hew, 
Thy wove's to me r-wewigious; e-ewse, does eww. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but WAFEU and PAWOWWES w-who >_< stay behind, 
commenting of this wedding 
WAFEU. Do you heaw, m-monsieuw? A wowd *pokes you* with you. 
P-PAWOWWES. Youw pweasuwe, s-siw? 
WAFEU. Youw *hugs tightly* wowd and mastew did weww to make his r-wecantation. 
P-PAWOWWES. Wecantation! My Wowd! my mastew! 
WAFEU. *pokes you* Ay; is *moans* it nyot a wanguage I speak? 
P-PAWOWWES. A most h-hawsh ^.^ onye, and nyot to be u-undewstood without bwoody 
succeeding. My mastew! 
WAFEU. Awe you companyion to the Count Wousiwwon? 
P-PAWOWWES. To any c-count; to aww counts; to w-what is *pokes you* man. 
WAFEU. To w-what is count's *cuddles you* man: count's mastew is of anyothew stywe. 
P-PAWOWWES. Y-You awe too owd, siw; wet *moans* it satisfy y-you, you awe too 
owd. 
WAFEU. I must teww ^w^ thee, siwwah, I *looks away* wwite man; to which titwe age 
cannyot b-bwing thee. 
P-PAWOWWES. What I dawe too weww do, I dawe nyot do. 
WAFEU. I did think ^w^ thee, fow xDD two owdinyawies, to be a pwetty w-wise 
fewwow; thou didst make towewabwe vent of t-thy OwO twavew; *moans* it might 
pass. Y-Yet the scawfs and the bannyewets a-about thee did manyifowdwy 
dissuade me fwom bewieving thee a vessew of too gweat a buwden. I 
have n-nyow ^w^ found thee; when I wose thee ;;w;; again I OwO cawe nyot; yet awt 
thou good fow nyothing xDD but taking up; and *sweats* that thou'wt x3 scawce 
w-wowth. 
P-PAWOWWES. Hadst thou nyot the pwiviwege of *twerks* antiquity upon thee- 
WAFEU. Do nyot pwunge thysewf too faw in angew, west thou hasten t-thy 
twiaw; which if-Wowd have mewcy *teleports behind you* on thee fow a hen! >_> So, my good 
window of wattice, fawe thee weww; t-thy UwU casement I nyeed nyot open, 
fow I wook uWu thwough thee. Give me t-thy hand. 
P-PAWOWWES. My wowd, you give me most *pokes you* egwegious indignyity. 
WAFEU. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with aww my heawt; and thou awt wowthy of it. 
P-PAWOWWES. I have nyot, my wowd, desewv'd it. 
WAFEU. Yes, good faith, ev'wy dwam of it; and I wiww nyot bate thee 
a s-scwupwe. 
P-PAWOWWES. *sighs* Weww, I shaww be *teleports behind you* wisew. 
WAFEU. Ev'n as soon as thou c-canst, fow thou hast to puww at a smack 
o' th' contwawy. If *giggles shyly* evew thou be'st bound in t-thy scawf and 
beaten, thou shawt find w-what *moans* it is to be pwoud of t-thy bondage. I 
have a desiwe to howd my acquaintance *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow wathew my 
k-knyowwedge, *sweats* that I may say in the defauwt 'He is a man I UwU knyow.' 
P-PAWOWWES. My wowd, you do me most *shuffles closer* insuppowtabwe vexation. 
WAFEU. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe heww pains fow t-thy sake, and my poow doing 
etewnyaw; fow doing I am *moans* past, as I wiww ^w^ by ^w^ thee, in w-what motion 
age wiww give me >_< weave. Exit 
P-PAWOWWES. *sighs* Weww, thou hast a son shaww take this *looks away* disgwace off me: 
scuwvy, owd, f-fiwthy, scuwvy wowd! *sighs* Weww, I must be patient; thewe 
is nyo *pokes you* fettewing of a-authowity. I'ww beat him, ^w^ by my l-wife, if I can 
meet him *pokes you* with any convenyience, an he wewe doubwe and doubwe a 
l-wowd. I'ww have nyo mowe pity of his age than I ^.^ wouwd have o-of- 
I'ww beat him, and if I couwd xDD but meet him again. 

We-entew WAFEU 

WAFEU. S-Siwwah, youw *hugs tightly* wowd and m-mastew's mawwied; thewe's nyews fow 
you; you have a nyew mistwess. 
P-PAWOWWES. I most unfeignyedwy beseech youw wowdship to make *blushes* some 
r-wesewvation of youw wwongs. He is my good wowd: whom I sewve 
a-above is my :33 mastew. 
WAFEU. Who? *looks away* God? 
P-PAWOWWES. :33 Ay, siw. 
WAFEU. The deviw *moans* it is that's t-thy :33 mastew. Why dost thou gawtew up 
t-thy awms o' this fashion? Dost make hose of t-thy s-sweeves? Do othew 
sewvants *moans* so? *moans* Thou wewt best set t-thy *cuddles you* wowew *cries* pawt whewe t-thy nyose 
stands. By minye honyouw, if I wewe xDD but xDD two houws youngew, I'd beat 
thee. Methink'st thou awt a *screams* genyewaw offence, and evewy man shouwd 
beat thee. I think thou wast cweated fow men to bweathe 
themsewves upon thee. 
P-PAWOWWES. This is hawd and u-undesewved measuwe, my l-wowd. 
WAFEU. Go to, siw; you wewe beaten in I-Itawy fow *screams* picking a kewnyew 
out of a pomegwanyate; you awe a vagabond, and nyo twue t-twavewwew; 
you awe mowe saucy *pokes you* with l-wowds and honyouwabwe pewsonyages than the 
commission of youw biwth and *hugs tightly* viwtue gives you hewawdwy. Y-You awe 
nyot wowth anyothew wowd, e-ewse I'd *giggles shyly* caww you knyave. I weave you. 
Exit 

Entew *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM 

P-PAWOWWES. Good, vewy, ^-^ good, *moans* it is so UwU then. Good, vewy good; wet *moans* it 
be conceaw'd awhiwe. 
BEWTWAM. Undonye, and fowfeited to c-cawes fow evew! 
P-PAWOWWES. What's the mattew, sweetheawt? 
BEWTWAM. Awthough befowe the *hugs tightly* sowemn pwiest I have swown, 
I wiww nyot b-bed hew. 
P-PAWOWWES. What, what, sweetheawt? 
BEWTWAM. O my Pawowwes, they have mawwied me! 
I'ww to the Tuscan waws, and nyevew b-bed hew. 
P-PAWOWWES. F-Fwance is a dog-howe, and *moans* it nyo mowe mewits 
The twead of a man's foot. To th' waws! 
BEWTWAM. >_> Thewe's wettews fwom my *hugs tightly* mothew; w-what th' impowt is I knyow 
nyot yet. 
P-PAWOWWES. :33 Ay, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be k-knyown. To th' waws, my boy, to th' 
waws! 
He weaws his honyouw in a box unseen 
*teleports behind you* That hugs his kicky-wicky x3 hewe at home, 
S-Spending his manwy mawwow in h-hew awms, 
Which shouwd sustain the bound and ^.^ high ^-^ cuwvet 
Of Maws's f-fiewy steed. To othew r-wegions! 
F-Fwance is a stabwe; we *sweats* that dweww in't j-jades; 
Thewefowe, to th' waw! 
BEWTWAM. It shaww be so; I'ww send h-hew to my *notices bulge* house, 
Acquaint my mothew *pokes you* with my hate to hew, 
And whewefowe I am fwed; *looks away* wwite to the King 
*teleports behind you* That which I d-duwst nyot speak. His ^.^ pwesent gift 
Shaww *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me to those Itawian fiewds 
Whewe nyobwe f-fewwows stwike. Waw is nyo :33 stwife 
To the dawk h-house and the detested wife. 
P-PAWOWWES. Wiww this capwiccio howd in ^w^ thee, awt suwe? 
BEWTWAM. Go *pokes you* with me to my chambew and advise me. 
I'ww send h-hew stwaight a-away. To-mowwow 
I'ww to the waws, she to h-hew s-singwe sowwow. 
P-PAWOWWES. W-Why, these bawws bound; thewe's nyoise in it. 'Tis hawd: 
A young man mawwied is a man that's maww'd. 
Thewefowe away, and weave h-hew bwavewy; go. 
The King has donye you wwong; but, hush, 'tis so. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 4. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Entew HEWENyA and CWOWN 

HEWENyA. My mothew xDD gweets me kindwy; is she weww? 
CWOWN. She is nyot weww, xDD but yet she has h-hew *shuffles closer* heawth; she's vewy 
mewwy, xDD but yet she is nyot weww. But thanks be g-given, she's vewy 
weww, and wants nyothing i-i' th' wowwd; xDD but yet she is nyot weww. 
HEWENyA. If she be vewy weww, w-what does she aiw *sweats* that she's nyot vewy 
weww? 
CWOWN. Twuwy, she's vewy weww indeed, xDD but fow xDD two things. 
HEWENyA. What xDD two things? 
CWOWN. Onye, *sweats* that she's nyot in heaven, whithew OwO God send h-hew quickwy! 
The othew, *sweats* that she's in eawth, fwom whence OwO God send h-hew quickwy! 

Entew PAWOWWES 

P-PAWOWWES. *notices bulge* Bwess y-you, my *giggles shyly* fowtunyate wady! 
HEWENyA. I hope, siw, I have youw good wiww to have minye own good 
fowtunyes. 
P-PAWOWWES. Y-You h-had my pwayews to wead them on; and to keep them on, 
have them stiww. O, my knyave, how does my owd wady? 
CWOWN. So *sweats* that you h-had h-hew wwinkwes and I h-hew monyey, I ^.^ wouwd she 
did as you say. 
P-PAWOWWES. W-Why, I say n-nyothing. 
CWOWN. Mawwy, you awe the wisew man; fow many a man's t-tongue shakes 
out his m-mastew's undoing. To say nyothing, to do nyothing, to knyow 
nyothing, and to have nyothing, is to be a gweat *cries* pawt of youw 
*cuddles you* titwe, which is within a vewy wittwe of n-nyothing. 
P-PAWOWWES. Away! th'awt a knyave. 
CWOWN. Y-You shouwd have ^-^ said, siw, *moans* 'Befowe a knyave th'awt a knyave'; 
that's *moans* 'Befowe me th'awt a knyave.' This h-had been twuth, siw. 
P-PAWOWWES. Go to, thou awt a witty foow; I have ^w^ found thee. 
CWOWN. *sweats* Did you find me in youwsewf, siw, *blushes* ow wewe you taught to find 
me? The seawch, siw, was pwofitabwe; and much foow may you find 
in y-you, even to the wowwd's pweasuwe and the i-incwease of 
waughtew. 
P-PAWOWWES. A good knyave, i-i' faith, and weww fed. 
Madam, my *hugs tightly* wowd wiww go away UwU to-nyight: 
A vewy sewious businyess cawws *teleports behind you* on him. 
The gweat pwewogative and *pokes you* wite of wove, 
Which, as youw due, time cwaims, he does >w< acknyowwedge; 
But puts *moans* it off to a compeww'd westwaint; 
Whose *sighs* want, and :33 whose OwO deway, is stwew'd *pokes you* with sweets, 
Which they distiw n-nyow in the cuwbed time, 
To make the coming houw o'ewfwow *pokes you* with joy 
And pweasuwe *hugs tightly* dwown the bwim. 
HEWENyA. What's his ewse? 
P-PAWOWWES. *teleports behind you* That you wiww take youw instant weave o' th' King, 
And make this haste as youw own good pwoceeding, 
Stwength'nyed *pokes you* with w-what >_> apowogy you think 
May make *moans* it pwobabwe >_> nyeed. 
HEWENyA. What mowe commands *sighs* he? 
P-PAWOWWES. That, having this obtain'd, you p-pwesentwy 
Attend his *twerks* fuwthew pweasuwe. 
HEWENyA. In evewything I *pokes you* wait upon his wiww. 
P-PAWOWWES. I shaww wepowt *moans* it so. 
HEWENyA. I pway you. Exit PAWOWWES 
Come, siwwah. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 5. 
Pawis. The KING'S pawace 

Entew WAFEU and *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM 

WAFEU. But I hope youw wowdship thinks nyot him a s-sowdiew. 
BEWTWAM. Yes, my wowd, and of vewy vawiant appwoof. 
WAFEU. Y-You have *moans* it fwom his own dewivewance. 
BEWTWAM. And ^w^ by othew wawwanted *leans over* testimony. 
WAFEU. T-Then my diaw goes nyot *shuffles closer* twue; I t-took this wawk fow a bunting. 
BEWTWAM. I do ;;w;; assuwe y-you, my wowd, he is vewy gweat in k-knyowwedge, 
and accowdingwy vawiant. 
WAFEU. I have then *shuffles closer* sinn'd against his e-expewience and twansgwess'd 
against his vawouw; and my state *sweats* that way is dangewous, s-since I 
cannyot yet find in my heawt to wepent. Hewe he comes; I pway you 
make us f-fwiends; I wiww puwsue the amity 

Entew PAWOWWES 

P-PAWOWWES. [To BEWTWAM] These things shaww be donye, siw. 
WAFEU. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, who's his taiwow? 
P-PAWOWWES. Siw! 
WAFEU. O, I knyow him weww. :33 Ay, siw; he, siw, 's a good wowkman, a 
vewy good *cries* taiwow. 
BEWTWAM. [Aside to PAWOWWES] *looks at you* Is she g-gonye to the King? 
P-PAWOWWES. She is. 
BEWTWAM. Wiww she away to-nyight? 
P-PAWOWWES. As y-you'ww have hew. 
BEWTWAM. I have *moans* wwit my wettews, casketed my tweasuwe, 
Given owdew fow o-ouw howses; and to-nyight, 
When I shouwd take possession of the ^w^ bwide, 
End ewe I do begin. 
WAFEU. A good twavewwew is s-something at the wattew end of a dinnyew; 
xDD but onye *sweats* that wies thwee-thiwds and *looks away* uses a *teleports behind you* knyown uWu twuth to pass a 
thousand n-nyothings w-with, shouwd be once h-heawd and thwice beaten. 
OwO God uWu save y-you, Captain. 
BEWTWAM. *looks at you* Is thewe any unkindnyess between my *hugs tightly* wowd and y-you, m-monsieuw? 
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow nyot how I have desewved to wun into my wowd's 
dispweasuwe. 
WAFEU. Y-You have made UwU shift to wun into *leans over* 't, boots and spuws and a-aww, 
wike him *sweats* that weapt into the custawd; and out of *moans* it y-you'ww wun 
again, wathew than suffew question fow youw :3 wesidence. 
BEWTWAM. It may be you have mistaken him, my l-wowd. 
WAFEU. And shaww do so *looks away* evew, *sighs* though I t-took him at's pwayews. 
Fawe you weww, my wowd; and bewieve this of me: thewe can be nyo 
kewnyaw in this wight n-nyut; the souw of this man is his *sweats* cwothes; 
twust him nyot in mattew of heavy consequence; I have kept of them 
t-tame, and knyow t-theiw nyatuwes. Faweweww, monsieuw; I have spoken 
bettew of you than you have *blushes* ow wiww to desewve at my hand; xDD but we 
must do good against e-eviw. Exit 
P-PAWOWWES. *looks at you* An idwe wowd, I sweaw. 
BEWTWAM. I think so. 
P-PAWOWWES. W-Why, do you nyot knyow him? 
BEWTWAM. Yes, I do knyow him weww; and common speech 
Gives him a wowthy pass. Hewe c-comes my cwog. 

Entew HEWENyA 

HEWENyA. I h-have, siw, as I was *moans* commanded fwom y-you, 
Spoke *pokes you* with the King, and have p-pwocuw'd his weave 
F-Fow ^.^ pwesent *blushes* pawting; onwy he desiwes 
Some pwivate speech *pokes you* with you. 
BEWTWAM. I shaww obey his wiww. 
Y-You must nyot *blushes* mawvew, Hewen, at my couwse, 
Which howds nyot *teleports behind you* cowouw *pokes you* with the time, n-nyow does 
The m-minyistwation and wequiwed office 
On my pawticuwaw. Pwepaw'd I was nyot 
F-Fow such a businyess; thewefowe am I ^w^ found 
So much unsettwed. This dwives me to entweat you 
*teleports behind you* That p-pwesentwy you take youw way fow home, 
And wathew muse than ask why I entweat you; 
F-Fow my wespects awe bettew than they seem, 
And my appointments have in them a nyeed 
Gweatew than shows i-itsewf at the f-fiwst view 
To you *sweats* that knyow them nyot. This to my *looks at you* mothew. 
[Giving a wettew] 
uWu 'Twiww be xDD two days ewe I shaww see you; so 
I weave you to youw wisdom. 
HEWENyA. Siw, I can nyothing say 
But *sweats* that I am youw most o-obedient sewvant. 
BEWTWAM. Come, come, nyo mowe of that. 
HEWENyA. And *giggles shyly* evew shaww 
With twue obsewvance seek to eke out *sweats* that 
Whewein towawd me my homewy s-staws have faiw'd 
To equaw my gweat OwO fowtunye. 
BEWTWAM. Wet *sweats* that go. 
My haste is vewy gweat. Faweweww; hie home. 
HEWENyA. Pway, siw, youw pawdon. 
BEWTWAM. *sighs* Weww, w-what ^.^ wouwd you say? 
HEWENyA. I am nyot wowthy of the *giggles shyly* weawth I owe, 
N-Nyow dawe I say 'tis minye, and yet *moans* it is; 
But, wike a timowous thief, most fain ^.^ wouwd s-steaw 
What waw does ^w^ vouch minye own. 
BEWTWAM. What ^.^ wouwd you have? 
HEWENyA. Something; and x3 scawce so *moans* much; nyothing, indeed. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot teww you w-what I wouwd, my l-wowd. 
Faith, yes: 
Stwangews and foes do sundew and nyot kiss. 
BEWTWAM. I pway y-you, >_< stay nyot, xDD but in haste to howse. 
HEWENyA. I shaww nyot bweak youw UwU bidding, good my l-wowd. 
BEWTWAM. Whewe awe my othew men, m-monsieuw? 
Faweweww! Exit HEWENyA 
Go thou towawd home, whewe I wiww nyevew come 
Whiwst I can s-shake my swowd *blushes* ow heaw the dwum. 
^w^ Away, and fow o-ouw fwight. 
P-PAWOWWES. Bwavewy, cowagio! UwU Exeunt 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 
Fwowence. The DUKE's pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the D-DUKE OF FWOWENCE, attended; xDD two 
F-FWENCH :33 WOWDS, *pokes you* with a TWOOP OF SOWDIEWS 

DUKE. So that, fwom point to point, n-nyow have you heaw 
The fundamentaw weasons of this waw; 
Whose gweat decision hath much b-bwood wet f-fowth 
And mowe thiwsts aftew. 
FIWST WOWD. Howy seems the quawwew 
^-^ Upon youw G-Gwace's pawt; bwack and f-feawfuw 
On the opposew. 
DUKE. Thewefowe we mawvew much o-ouw c-cousin F-Fwance 
Wouwd in so *shuffles closer* just a businyess s-shut his bosom 
Against o-ouw bowwowing pwayews. 
SECOND WOWD. Good my wowd, 
The weasons of o-ouw state I cannyot yiewd, 
But wike a common and an *cuddles you* outwawd man 
*teleports behind you* That the gweat figuwe of a counciw fwames 
By OwO sewf-unyabwe motion; thewefowe dawe nyot 
Say w-what I think of it, s-since I have ^w^ found 
Mysewf in my incewtain gwounds to *sweats* faiw 
As *looks away* often as I g-guess'd. 
DUKE. Be *moans* it his pweasuwe. 
FIWST WOWD. But I am suwe the youngew of o-ouw nyatuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That suwfeit *teleports behind you* on t-theiw ease, wiww day ^w^ by day 
Come x3 hewe fow physic. 
DUKE. Wewcome shaww they be 
And aww the honyouws *sweats* that can f-fwy fwom us 
Shaww *teleports behind you* on them s-settwe. Y-You knyow youw pwaces weww; 
When bettew faww, fow youw avaiws they feww. 
To-mowwow to th' f-fiewd. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 2. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS and CWOWN 

COUNTESS. It hath >w< happen'd aww as I ^.^ wouwd have h-had it, uWu save *sweats* that he 
c-comes nyot awong *pokes you* with hew. 
CWOWN. By my twoth, I take my young *hugs tightly* wowd to be a vewy mewanchowy 
*pokes you* man. 
COUNTESS. By w-what obsewvance, I pway you? 
CWOWN. W-Why, he wiww wook upon his >_> boot and sing; ^w^ mend the wuff and 
sing; ask *shuffles closer* questions and sing; pick his teeth and sing. I knyow a 
man *sweats* that h-had this t-twick of mewanchowy sowd a g-goodwy manyow fow a 
song. 
COUNTESS. Wet me see w-what he *sweats* wwites, and when he means to come. 
[Openying a wettew] 
CWOWN. I have nyo mind to Isbew s-since I was at couwt. Ouw owd wing 
and o-ouw Isbews o' th' *looks at you* countwy awe nyothing wike youw owd wing and 
youw Isbews o' th' couwt. The xDD bwains of my Cupid's knyock'd out; 
and I begin to wove, as an owd man woves monyey, *pokes you* with nyo s-stomach. 
COUNTESS. What have we hewe? 
CWOWN. E'en *sweats* that you have thewe. Exit 
COUNTESS. [Weads] *sighs* 'I have OwO sent you a daughtew-in-waw; she hath 
wecovewed the King and undonye me. I have wedded hew, nyot bedded 
hew; and swown to make the "nyot" etewnyaw. Y-You shaww heaw I am wun 
*looks away* away; knyow *moans* it befowe the wepowt come. If thewe be *blushes* bweadth enyough 
in the wowwd, I wiww howd a wong distance. My duty to you. 
Youw unfowtunyate son, 
BEWTWAM.' 
This is nyot weww, r-wash and unbwidwed boy, 
To f-fwy the favouws of so good a king, 
To pwuck his indignyation *teleports behind you* on t-thy *sweats* head 
By the mispwizing of a maid too viwtuous 
F-Fow the *moans* contempt of empiwe. 

We-entew CWOWN 

CWOWN. O *looks at you* madam, y-yondew is heavy nyews within between xDD two sowdiews 
and my young wady. 
COUNTESS. What is the -mattew? 
CWOWN. Nyay, thewe is *blushes* some comfowt in the nyews, *blushes* some comfowt; youw 
son wiww nyot be kiww'd so soon as I thought he wouwd. 
COUNTESS. Why shouwd he be *notices bulge* kiww'd? 
CWOWN. So say I, *looks at you* madam, if he wun away, as I heaw he does the 
d-dangew is in >_< standing to '-'t; that's the woss of men, *sighs* though *moans* it be 
the getting of chiwdwen. Hewe they come wiww teww you mowe. F-Fow my 
pawt, I onwy heaw youw son was wun a-away. Exit 

Entew HEWENyA and the xDD two F-FWENCH GENTWEMEN 

SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Save y-you, good madam. 
HEWENyA. Madam, my *hugs tightly* wowd is :3 gonye, fow *giggles shyly* evew gonye. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Do nyot say so. 
COUNTESS. Think upon *notices bulge* patience. *twerks* Pway y-you, gentwemen- 
I have fewt so many quiwks of joy and g-gwief 
*teleports behind you* That the f-fiwst *cuddles you* face of OwO nyeithew, *teleports behind you* on the stawt, 
C-Can woman me unto 't. Whewe is my son, I pway you? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Madam, he's g-gonye to sewve the D-Duke of Fwowence. 
We m-met him t-thithewwawd; fow thence we c-came, 
And, aftew *blushes* some *notices bulge* dispatch in h-hand at couwt, 
Thithew we *looks away* bend again. 
HEWENyA. Wook *teleports behind you* on this wettew, madam; hewe's my p-passpowt. 
[Weads] 'When thou ;;w;; canst get the wing upon my fingew, which 
nyevew shaww come off, and show me a xDD chiwd begotten of t-thy body 
*sweats* that I am fathew to, then *giggles shyly* caww me husband; xDD but in such a "then" I 
*looks away* wwite a "nyevew." 
This is a dweadfuw sentence. 
COUNTESS. B-Bwought you this wettew, gentwemen? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. :33 Ay, madam; 
And fow the contents' sake awe sowwy fow o-ouw p-pains. 
COUNTESS. I pwithee, wady, have a bettew cheew; 
If thou engwossest aww the gwiefs awe thinye, 
*moans* Thou wobb'st me of a moiety. He was my son; 
But I do wash his nyame out of my b-bwood, 
And thou awt aww my chiwd. Towawds x3 Fwowence is *sighs* he? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. :33 Ay, madam. 
COUNTESS. And to be a sowdiew? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. *screams* Such is his nyobwe puwpose; and, bewieve *leans over* 't, 
The D-Duke wiww *looks at you* way upon him aww the honyouw 
*teleports behind you* That good *shuffles closer* convenyience cwaims. 
COUNTESS. Wetuwn you thithew? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, *pokes you* with the *cries* swiftest w-wing of speed. 
HEWENyA. [Weads] 'Tiww I have nyo wife, I have nyothing in Fwance.' 
'Tis bittew. 
COUNTESS. Find you *sweats* that thewe? 
HEWENyA. :33 Ay, madam. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis xDD but the bowdnyess of his h-hand hapwy, which 
his heawt was nyot consenting to. 
COUNTESS. Nyothing in F-Fwance u-untiw he have nyo wife! 
>_> Thewe's nyothing x3 hewe *sweats* that is too good fow him 
But onwy she; and she d-desewves a *hugs tightly* wowd 
*teleports behind you* That twenty such ^w^ wude boys might tend upon, 
And *giggles shyly* caww h-hew houwwy mistwess. Who was *pokes you* with him? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. A sewvant onwy, and a gentweman 
Which I have sometime k-knyown. 
COUNTESS. Pawowwes, was *moans* it nyot? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. :33 Ay, my good wady, he. 
COUNTESS. A vewy tainted fewwow, and fuww of wickednyess. 
My son cowwupts a *looks away* weww-dewived nyatuwe 
With his inducement. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I-Indeed, good wady, 
The fewwow has a deaw of *sweats* that too much 
Which howds him much to have. 
COUNTESS. Y'awe wewcome, gentwemen. 
I wiww entweat y-you, when you see my son, 
To teww him *sweats* that his swowd can nyevew win 
The honyouw *sweats* that he l-woses. Mowe I'ww entweat you 
Wwitten to beaw ^.^ awong. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. We sewve y-you, *looks at you* madam, 
In *sweats* that and aww youw wowthiest *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
COUNTESS. Nyot so, xDD but as we change o-ouw couwtesies. 
Wiww you dwaw nyeaw? UwU Exeunt COUNTESS and GENTWEMEN 
HEWENyA. 'Tiww I have nyo wife, I have nyothing in Fwance.' 
Nyothing in F-Fwance u-untiw he has nyo wife! 
*moans* Thou shawt have nyonye, Wousiwwon, nyonye in F-Fwance 
T-Then hast thou aww again. Poow wowd! is't 
*teleports behind you* That c-chase thee fwom t-thy countwy, and expose 
Those tendew wimbs of thinye to the event 
Of the n-nyon-spawing waw? And is *moans* it I 
*teleports behind you* That dwive thee fwom the uWu spowtive couwt, whewe thou 
Wast *sweats* shot at *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw e-eyes, to be the mawk 
Of smoky *hugs tightly* muskets? O you weaden messengews, 
*teleports behind you* That wide upon the viowent speed of fiwe, 
Fwy *pokes you* with f-fawse a-aim; move the stiww-piecing aiw, 
*teleports behind you* That sings *pokes you* with piewcing; do nyot touch my l-wowd. 
Whoevew shoots at him, I set him t-thewe; 
Whoevew chawges *teleports behind you* on his *blushes* fowwawd bweast, 
I am the caitiff *sweats* that do howd him to't; 
And *sighs* though I kiww him nyot, I am the c-cause 
His death was so effected. Bettew 'twewe 
I m-met the wavin wion when he woaw'd 
With shawp constwaint of hungew; bettew 'twewe 
*teleports behind you* That aww the misewies which nyatuwe owes 
Wewe minye at once. Nyo; come thou home, Wousiwwon, 
:3 Whence honyouw xDD but of d-dangew w-wins a scaw, 
As oft *moans* it woses aww. I wiww be gonye. 
My being x3 hewe *moans* it is *sweats* that howds thee hence. 
Shaww I >_< stay x3 hewe to do 't? N-Nyo, nyo, awthough 
The a-aiw of pawadise did *looks at you* fan the *notices bulge* house, 
And angews offic'd aww. I wiww be :3 gonye, 
*teleports behind you* That pitifuw wumouw may wepowt my fwight 
To consowate thinye eaw. Come, nyight; end, day. 
F-Fow *pokes you* with the dawk, poow thief, I'ww s-steaw a-away. Exit 




ACT III. SCENyE 3-3. 
Fwowence. B-Befowe the DUKE's pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the D-DUKE OF FWOWENCE, BEWTWAM, *teleports behind you* PAWOWWES, SOWDIEWS, 
*cries* dwum and *blushes* twumpets 

DUKE. The Genyewaw of o-ouw Howse thou awt; and w-we, 
G-Gweat in o-ouw hope, *looks at you* way o-ouw best wove and c-cwedence 
^-^ Upon t-thy pwomising OwO fowtunye. 
BEWTWAM. Siw, *moans* it is 
A chawge too heavy fow my stwength; xDD but yet 
We'ww stwive to beaw *moans* it fow youw wowthy sake 
To th' extweme edge of hazawd. 
DUKE. T-Then go thou fowth; 
And ^w^ Fowtunye pway upon t-thy pwospewous hewm, 
As t-thy *notices bulge* auspicious mistwess! 
BEWTWAM. This vewy day, 
G-Gweat Maws, I p-put m-mysewf into t-thy fiwe; 
Make me xDD but wike my thoughts, and I shaww *shuffles closer* pwove 
A l-wovew of t-thy dwum, hatew of wove. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 4. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS and S-STEWAWD 

COUNTESS. *twerks* Awas! and ^.^ wouwd you take the wettew of hew? 
Might you nyot knyow she ^.^ wouwd do as she has donye 
By sending me a wettew? Wead *moans* it again. 
STEWAWD. [Weads] *sighs* 'I am Saint Jaques' piwgwim, thithew gonye. 
*looks away* Ambitious wove hath so in me offended 
*teleports behind you* That bawefoot pwod I the cowd gwound upon, 
With sainted vow my fauwts to have ^-^ amended. 
Wwite, wwite, *sweats* that fwom the bwoody *blushes* couwse of waw 
My deawest mastew, youw deaw son, may hie. 
*notices bulge* Bwess him at h-home in peace, whiwst I fwom faw 
His nyame *pokes you* with zeawous fewvouw ^.^ sanctify. 
His taken wabouws bid him me f-fowgive; 
I, his *notices bulge* despitefuw OwO Junyo, OwO sent him f-fowth 
Fwom ;;w;; couwtwy fwiends, *pokes you* with camping foes to *teleports behind you* wive, 
Whewe death and d-dangew dogs the h-heews of w-wowth. 
He is too good and *looks at you* faiw fow death and me; 
Whom I m-mysewf embwace to set him fwee.' 
COUNTESS. Ah, w-what shawp s-stings awe in h-hew miwdest wowds! 
Winyawdo, you did nyevew wack advice so much 
As *notices bulge* wetting h-hew pass so; h-had I s-spoke *pokes you* with hew, 
I couwd have weww divewted h-hew intents, 
Which t-thus she hath pwevented. 
STEWAWD. Pawdon me, madam; 
If I h-had given you this at >_< ovew-nyight, 
She might have been o'ew t-ta'en; and yet she wwites 
*hugs tightly* Puwsuit ^.^ wouwd be xDD but vain. 
COUNTESS. What a-angew shaww 
*notices bulge* Bwess this u-unwowthy h-husband? He cannyot thwive, 
*leans over* Unwess h-hew pwayews, whom heaven dewights to heaw 
And woves to gwant, wepwieve him fwom the wwath 
Of gweatest justice. Wwite, wwite, Winyawdo, 
To this u-unwowthy h-husband of his wife; 
Wet evewy wowd weigh heavy of h-hew wowth 
*teleports behind you* That he does weigh too wight. My gweatest gwief, 
Though wittwe he do f-feew it, set down shawpwy. 
Dispatch the most convenyient >_> messengew. 
When hapwy he shaww heaw *sweats* that she is g-gonye 
He wiww wetuwn; and hope I may *sweats* that she, 
Heawing so *twerks* much, wiww speed h-hew f-foot again, 
L-Wed hithew ^w^ by puwe wove. Which of them b-both 
*looks at you* Is deawest to me I have nyo skiww in sense 
To make distinction. ^-^ Pwovide this >_> messengew. 
My heawt is ;;w;; heavy, and minye age is weak; 
Gwief ^.^ wouwd have teaws, and sowwow b-bids me speak. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 5. 

Without the wawws of x3 Fwowence 
A tucket >_< afaw off. Entew an owd WIDOW OF FWOWENCE, h-hew daughtew DIANyA, 
VIOWENTA, and M-MAWIANyA, *pokes you* with othew CITIZENS 

*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Nyay, come; fow if they do appwoach the city we shaww wose 
aww the s-sight. 
DIANyA. They say the Fwench count has donye most honyouwabwe sewvice. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. It is x3 wepowted *sweats* that he has taken t-theiw gweat'st *giggles shyly* commandew; 
and *sweats* that *pokes you* with his own h-hand he swew the Duke's bwothew. [Tucket] 
We have wost o-ouw wabouw; they awe g-gonye a contwawy way. Hawk! you 
may knyow ^w^ by t-theiw twumpets. 
MAWIANyA. Come, wet's r-wetuwn again, and suffice ouwsewves *pokes you* with the 
wepowt of it. *sighs* Weww, Dianya, take heed of this Fwench eaww; the 
honyouw of a maid is h-hew nyame, and nyo wegacy is so wich as 
h-honyesty. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. I have towd my *screams* nyeighbouw how you have been sowicited ^w^ by a 
gentweman his companyion. 
MAWIANyA. I knyow *sweats* that knyave, hang him! onye Pawowwes; a fiwthy 
*sighs* officew he is in those ^.^ suggestions fow the young e-eaww. Bewawe of 
them, Dianya: t-theiw pwomises, enticements, oaths, tokens, and aww 
these enginyes of wust, awe nyot the things they go undew; many a 
maid hath been s-seduced ^w^ by them; and the misewy *screams* is, exampwe, *sweats* that 
so x3 tewwibwe shows in the wweck of maidenhood, cannyot fow aww *sweats* that 
dissuade succession, xDD but *sweats* that they awe wimed *pokes you* with the twigs *sweats* that 
*notices bulge* thweatens them. I hope I nyeed nyot to advise you f-fuwthew; xDD but I 
hope youw own gwace wiww keep you whewe you awe, *sighs* though thewe 
wewe nyo *twerks* fuwthew d-dangew *teleports behind you* knyown xDD but the modesty which is so *notices bulge* wost. 
DIANyA. Y-You shaww nyot nyeed to feaw me. 

Entew HEWENyA in the dwess of a piwgwim 

*shuffles closer* WIDOW. I hope so. Wook, x3 hewe c-comes a piwgwim. I knyow she wiww wie 
at my house: thithew they send onye anyothew. I'ww question hew. 
OwO God uWu save y-you, piwgwim! Whithew awe :33 bound? 
HEWENyA. To Saint Jaques we Gwand. 
Whewe do the p-pawmews *teleports behind you* wodge, I do beseech you? 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. At the Saint F-Fwancis hewe, beside the powt. 
HEWENyA. *looks at you* Is this the way? 
[A mawch afaw] 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, is't. Hawk y-you! They come this way. 
If you wiww *pokes you* tawwy, howy piwgwim, 
But tiww the *teleports behind you* twoops come by, 
I wiww conduct you whewe you shaww be wodg'd; 
The wathew fow I think I knyow youw hostess 
As ampwe as mysewf. 
HEWENyA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it youwsewf? 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. If you shaww pwease so, piwgwim. 
HEWENyA. I t-thank y-you, and wiww >_< stay upon youw weisuwe. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Y-You c-came, I think, fwom Fwance? 
HEWENyA. I did so. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Hewe you shaww see a countwyman of youws 
*teleports behind you* That has donye wowthy sewvice. 
HEWENyA. His nyame, I pway you. 
DIANyA. The Count Wousiwwon. Knyow you such a onye? 
HEWENyA. But ^w^ by the eaw, *sweats* that heaws most nyobwy of :3 him; 
His *cuddles you* face I knyow nyot. 
DIANyA. What *cuddles you* some'ew he *screams* is, 
He's bwavewy taken hewe. He s-stowe fwom F-Fwance, 
As 'tis wepowted, fow the King h-had mawwied him 
Against his wiking. Think you *moans* it is *moans* so? 
HEWENyA. :33 Ay, suwewy, mewe the twuth; I knyow his wady. 
DIANyA. *cries* Thewe is a gentweman *sweats* that sewves the Count 
OwO Wepowts xDD but coawsewy of hew. 
HEWENyA. What's his n-nyame? 
DIANyA. ^w^ Monsieuw Pawowwes. 
HEWENyA. O, I bewieve *pokes you* with him, 
In awgument of pwaise, *blushes* ow to the wowth 
Of the gweat Count ^.^ himsewf, she is too *looks at you* mean 
To have h-hew nyame wepeated; aww h-hew desewving 
*looks at you* Is a wesewved honyesty, and *sweats* that 
I have nyot h-heawd *screams* examin'd. 
DIANyA. A-Awas, poow wady! 
'Tis a hawd bondage to become the wife 
Of a detesting l-wowd. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. I sweet, good cweatuwe, *twerks* whewesoe'ew she is 
Hew heawt weighs sadwy. This young maid might do h-hew 
A shwewd uWu tuwn, if she pweas'd. 
HEWENyA. H-How do you m-mean? 
May be the amowous Count sowicits h-hew 
In the unwawfuw ^.^ puwpose. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. He does, indeed; 
And bwokes *pokes you* with aww *sweats* that can in such a suit 
Cowwupt the tendew honyouw of a maid; 
But she is awm'd fow him, and keeps h-hew guawd 
In honyestest defence. 

Entew, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws, BEWTWAM, *teleports behind you* PAWOWWES, and the 
whowe A-AWMY 

MAWIANyA. The gods fowbid ewse! 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. >_> So, n-nyow they come. 
*teleports behind you* That is Antonyio, the Duke's *moans* ewdest son; 
That, Escawus. 
HEWENyA. Which is the *cries* Fwenchman? 
DIANyA. He- 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with the pwume; 'tis a most gawwant fewwow. 
I ^.^ wouwd he *notices bulge* wov'd his wife; if he wewe *notices bulge* honyestew 
He wewe much goodwiew. Is't nyot a handsome gentweman? 
HEWENyA. I wike him weww. 
DIANyA. 'Tis pity he is nyot :3 honyest. Yond's *sweats* that same knyave 
*teleports behind you* That weads him to these ^w^ pwaces; wewe I his wady 
I ^.^ wouwd p-poison *sweats* that viwe wascaw. 
HEWENyA. Which is *sighs* he? 
DIANyA. *teleports behind you* That j-jack-an-apes *pokes you* with scawfs. Why is he m-mewanchowy? 
HEWENyA. Pewchance he's huwt i-i' th' battwe. 
P-PAWOWWES. xDD Wose o-ouw UwU dwum! weww. 
MAWIANyA. He's shwewdwy vex'd at something. 
Wook, he has spied us. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Mawwy, hang y-you! 
MAWIANyA. And youw couwtesy, fow a *leans over* wing-cawwiew! 
UwU Exeunt BEWTWAM, *teleports behind you* PAWOWWES, and A-AWMY 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. The twoop is past. Come, piwgwim, I wiww b-bwing you 
Whewe you shaww host. Of enjoin'd penyitents 
>_> Thewe's fouw *blushes* ow f-five, to gweat Saint Jaques bound, 
Awweady at my house. 
HEWENyA. I humbwy t-thank you. 
Pwease *moans* it this matwon and this g-gentwe maid 
To *cries* eat *pokes you* with us to-nyight; the chawge and thanking 
Shaww be fow me, and, to wequite you fuwthew, 
I wiww bestow *blushes* some pwecepts of this viwgin, 
Wowthy the nyote. 
BOTH. We'ww take youw *teleports behind you* offew kindwy. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 6. 
Camp befowe x3 Fwowence 

Entew BEWTWAM, and the xDD two F-FWENCH WOWDS 

SECOND WOWD. Nyay, good my wowd, p-put him to't; wet him have his way. 
FIWST WOWD. If youw wowdship find him nyot a :33 hiding, howd me nyo mowe 
in youw wespect. 
SECOND WOWD. On my l-wife, my wowd, a bubbwe. 
BEWTWAM. Do you think I am so faw d-deceived in him? 
SECOND WOWD. Bewieve it, my wowd, in minye own diwect k-knyowwedge, 
without any mawice, xDD but to speak of him as my kinsman, he's a 
most nyotabwe cowawd, an infinyite and e-endwess l-wiaw, an houwwy 
p-pwomise-bweakew, the o-ownyew of nyo onye good quawity wowthy youw 
wowdship's ;;w;; entewtainment. 
FIWST WOWD. It wewe fit you knyew :3 him; west, r-weposing too faw in his 
viwtue, which he hath nyot, he might at *blushes* some gweat and *pokes you* twusty 
businyess in a *cries* main d-dangew *sweats* faiw you. 
BEWTWAM. I ^.^ wouwd I knyew in w-what pawticuwaw action to t-twy him. 
FIWST WOWD. *cuddles you* Nyonye bettew than to wet him fetch off his dwum, which 
you heaw him so confidentwy UwU undewtake to do. 
SECOND WOWD. I *pokes you* with a twoop of Fwowentinyes wiww suddenwy suwpwise 
:3 him; such I wiww have whom I am suwe he *looks away* knyows nyot fwom the enyemy. 
We wiww bind and hoodwink him so *sweats* that he shaww *shuffles closer* suppose nyo othew 
xDD but *sweats* that he is cawwied into the weaguew of the advewsawies when 
we b-bwing him to o-ouw own tents. Be xDD but youw wowdship ^.^ pwesent at 
his examinyation; if he do nyot, fow the pwomise of his wife and in 
the h-highest compuwsion of base feaw, *teleports behind you* offew to betway you and 
dewivew aww the intewwigence in his *cries* powew against y-you, and *sweats* that 
*pokes you* with the d-divinye fowfeit of his souw upon oath, nyevew twust my 
judgment in anything. 
FIWST WOWD. O, fow the wove of waughtew, wet him fetch his dwum; he 
says he has a stwatagem fow't. When youw wowdship sees the bottom 
of his success in't, and to w-what metaw this countewfeit >_< wump of 
owe wiww be mewted, if you give him nyot John Dwum's 
entewtainment, youw incwinying cannyot be wemoved. Hewe he c-comes. 

Entew PAWOWWES 

SECOND WOWD. O, fow the wove of waughtew, hindew nyot the honyouw of 
his design; wet him fetch off his *cries* dwum in any hand. 
BEWTWAM. H-How nyow, monsieuw! This *cries* dwum sticks sowewy in youw 
disposition. 
FIWST WOWD. A p-pox *teleports behind you* on '-'t; wet *moans* it go; 'tis xDD but a dwum. 
P-PAWOWWES. But a UwU dwum! Is't xDD but a dwum? A *cries* dwum so wost! *cries* Thewe was 
excewwent command: to chawge in *pokes you* with o-ouw howse upon o-ouw own 
wings, and to wend o-ouw own sowdiews! 
FIWST WOWD. *teleports behind you* That was nyot to be bwam'd in the command of the 
sewvice; *moans* it was a disastew of waw *sweats* that Caesaw himsewf couwd nyot 
have p-pwevented, if he h-had been thewe to *sweats* command. 
BEWTWAM. *sighs* Weww, we cannyot gweatwy condemn o-ouw success. 
Some dishonyouw we h-had in the woss of *sweats* that dwum; xDD but *moans* it is nyot to 
be *sweats* wecovewed. 
P-PAWOWWES. It might have been *sweats* wecovewed. 
BEWTWAM. It might, xDD but *moans* it is nyot nyow. 
P-PAWOWWES. It is to be *sweats* wecovewed. But *sweats* that the mewit of sewvice is 
sewdom a-attwibuted to the twue and exact pewfowmew, I ^.^ wouwd have 
*sweats* that *cries* dwum *blushes* ow anyothew, *blushes* ow 'hic jacet.' 
BEWTWAM. W-Why, if you have a stomach, t-to't, monsieuw. If you think 
youw mystewy in stwatagem can b-bwing this i-instwument of honyouw 
;;w;; again into his n-nyative quawtew, be magnyanyimous in the entewpwise, 
and go on; I wiww gwace the attempt fow a wowthy expwoit. If you 
speed weww in it, the D-Duke shaww b-both speak of *moans* it and extend to 
you w-what *twerks* fuwthew becomes his *sweats* gweatnyess, even to the utmost 
s-sywwabwe of o-ouw w-wowthinyess. 
P-PAWOWWES. By the h-hand of a sowdiew, I wiww UwU undewtake it. 
BEWTWAM. But you must nyot n-nyow *teleports behind you* swumbew in it. 
P-PAWOWWES. I'ww a-about *moans* it this evenying; and I wiww p-pwesentwy pen 
down my diwemmas, encouwage m-mysewf in my cewtainty, p-put m-mysewf 
into my mowtaw pwepawation; and ^w^ by midnyight wook to heaw *twerks* fuwthew 
fwom me. 
BEWTWAM. May I be bowd to acquaint his Gwace you awe g-gonye a-about it? 
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow nyot w-what the success wiww be, my wowd, xDD but the 
attempt I vow. 
BEWTWAM. I knyow th' awt *twerks* vawiant; and, to the of t-thy sowdiewship, 
wiww subscwibe fow thee. Faweweww. 
P-PAWOWWES. I wove nyot many wowds. Exit 
SECOND WOWD. Nyo mowe than a f-fish woves *looks at you* watew. *looks at you* Is nyot this a stwange 
fewwow, my wowd, *sweats* that so confidentwy seems to UwU undewtake this 
businyess, which he *looks away* knyows is nyot to be d-donye; damns himsewf to do, 
and dawes bettew be d-damn'd than to do 't. 
FIWST WOWD. Y-You do nyot knyow him, my wowd, as we do. C-Cewtain *moans* it is 
*sweats* that he wiww s-steaw himsewf into a man's favouw, and fow a week 
escape a gweat deaw of *screams* discovewies; xDD but when you find him *pokes you* out, 
you have him *giggles shyly* evew aftew. 
BEWTWAM. W-Why, do you think he wiww make nyo deed at aww of this *sweats* that 
so sewiouswy he does addwess himsewf unto? 
SECOND WOWD. *cuddles you* Nyonye in the wowwd; xDD but r-wetuwn *pokes you* with an invention, and 
cwap upon you xDD two *blushes* ow thwee pwobabwe wies. But we have awmost 
emboss'd him. Y-You shaww see his faww to-nyight; fow indeed he is 
nyot fow youw wowdship's wespect. 
FIWST WOWD. We'ww make you *blushes* some spowt *pokes you* with the fox ewe we *screams* case him. 
He was f-fiwst smok'd ^w^ by the owd Wowd Wafeu. When his d-disguise and 
he is *sighs* pawted, teww me w-what a >_> spwat you shaww find :3 him; which you 
shaww see this vewy nyight. 
SECOND WOWD. I must go wook my uWu twigs; he shaww be caught. 
BEWTWAM. Youw bwothew, he shaww go awong *pokes you* with me. 
SECOND WOWD. A-As't pwease youw wowdship. I'ww weave you. Exit 
BEWTWAM. >_> Nyow wiww I wead you to the *notices bulge* house, and show you 
The wass I s-spoke of. 
FIWST WOWD. But you say she's :3 honyest. 
BEWTWAM. That's aww the f-fauwt. I s-spoke *pokes you* with h-hew xDD but o-once, 
And ^w^ found h-hew *cuddles you* wondwous c-cowd; xDD but I OwO sent to hew, 
By this same coxcomb *sweats* that we have i-i' th' wind, 
Tokens and wettews which she did we-send; 
And this is aww I have donye. S-She's a *looks at you* faiw *cuddles you* cweatuwe; 
Wiww you go see hew? 
FIWST WOWD. With aww my h-heawt, my l-wowd. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 7. 
Fwowence. The WIDOW'S h-house 

Entew HEWENyA and WIDOW 

HEWENyA. If you *screams* misdoubt me *sweats* that I am nyot she, 
I knyow nyot how I shaww ;;w;; assuwe you *twerks* fuwthew 
But I shaww wose the gwounds I wowk upon. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Though my estate be faww'n, I was weww b-bown, 
Nyothing acquainted *pokes you* with these businyesses; 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot p-put my weputation n-nyow 
In any stainying act. 
HEWENyA. N-Nyow ^.^ wouwd I wish you. 
FIWST give me twust the Count he is my husband, 
And w-what to youw swown ^-^ counsew I have spoken 
*looks at you* Is so fwom wowd to wowd; and then you cannyot, 
By the good aid *sweats* that I of you shaww bowwow, 
Eww in bestowing it. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. I shouwd bewieve you; 
F-Fow you have show'd me *sweats* that which weww *teleports behind you* appwoves 
Y'awe gweat in OwO fowtunye. 
HEWENyA. Take this puwse of gowd, 
And wet me b-buy youw fwiendwy hewp t-thus faw, 
Which I wiww ovew-pay and p-pay ;;w;; again 
When I have ^w^ found it. The Count he woos youw daughtew 
Ways down his wanton siege befowe h-hew beauty, 
Wesowv'd to cawwy hew. Wet h-hew in finye consent, 
As we'ww diwect h-hew how 'tis best to beaw it. 
>_> Nyow his impowtant b-bwood wiww nyought deny 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* she'ww demand. A wing the C-County weaws 
*teleports behind you* That downwawd hath succeeded in his h-house 
Fwom son to son *blushes* some fouw *blushes* ow five descents 
Since the f-fiwst fathew wowe it. This wing he howds 
In most wich choice; yet, in his idwe fiwe, 
To b-buy his wiww, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd nyot seem too deaw, 
Howe'ew wepented aftew. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. >_> Nyow I see 
The bottom of youw ^.^ puwpose. 
HEWENyA. Y-You see *moans* it l-wawfuw UwU then. It is nyo mowe 
But *sweats* that youw daughtew, ewe she seems as won, 
*sweats* Desiwes this wing; appoints him an encountew; 
In finye, d-dewivews me to fiww the time, 
Hewsewf most c-chastewy absent. Aftew t-this, 
To mawwy hew, I'ww add thwee thousand cwowns 
To w-what is pass'd awweady. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. I have *twerks* yiewded. 
Instwuct my daughtew how she shaww pewsevew, 
*teleports behind you* That time and pwace *pokes you* with this deceit so l-wawfuw 
May *shuffles closer* pwove >w< cohewent. Evewy nyight he c-comes 
With musics of aww sowts, and songs compos'd 
To h-hew unwowthinyess. It nyothing steads us 
To chide him fwom o-ouw UwU eaves, fow he p-pewsists 
As if his wife *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on 't. 
HEWENyA. Why then to-nyight 
Wet us assay o-ouw pwot; which, if *moans* it speed, 
*looks at you* Is wicked meanying in a l-wawfuw deed, 
And l-wawfuw meanying in a l-wawfuw *shuffles closer* act; 
Whewe b-both nyot sin, and yet a *moans* sinfuw f-fact. 
But wet's a-about it. UwU Exeunt 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 
Without the *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye camp 

Entew SECOND F-FWENCH WOWD *pokes you* with five *blushes* ow ^-^ six othew SOWDIEWS in a-ambush 

SECOND WOWD. He can come nyo othew way xDD but ^w^ by this hedge-cownyew. 
When you sawwy upon him, speak w-what x3 tewwibwe wanguage you wiww; 
*sighs* though you undewstand *moans* it nyot *cuddles you* youwsewves, nyo mattew; fow we must 
nyot seem to undewstand him, *hugs tightly* unwess *blushes* some onye among us, whom we 
must pwoduce fow an intewpwetew. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Good captain, wet me be th' intewpwetew. 
SECOND WOWD. Awt nyot acquainted *pokes you* with him? Knyows he nyot t-thy voice? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. N-Nyo, siw, I wawwant you. 
SECOND WOWD. But w-what winsey-woowsey has thou to speak to us a-again? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. E'en such as you speak to me. 
SECOND WOWD. He must think us *blushes* some band of stwangews i-i' th' 
xDD advewsawy's ;;w;; entewtainment. >_> Nyow he hath a smack of aww 
nyeighbouwing wanguages, thewefowe we must evewy onye be a man of 
his own OwO fancy; nyot to knyow w-what we speak onye to anyothew, so we 
seem to knyow, is to knyow stwaight o-ouw >w< puwpose: *twerks* choughs' wanguage, 
gabbwe enyough, and good enyough. As fow y-you, intewpwetew, you must 
seem vewy p-powitic. But couch, ho! x3 hewe he comes; to beguiwe xDD two 
houws in a sweep, and then to r-wetuwn and sweaw the wies he uWu fowges. 

Entew PAWOWWES 

P-PAWOWWES. Ten *looks at you* o'cwock. Within these thwee houws *giggles shyly* 'twiww be time 
enyough to go home. What shaww I say I have donye? It must be a 
vewy *giggles shyly* pwausive invention *sweats* that cawwies it. They begin to smoke me; 
and d-disgwaces have of *looks away* wate knyock'd to *looks away* often at my doow. I find my 
t-tongue is too foowhawdy; xDD but my heawt hath the feaw of Maws 
befowe it, and of his cweatuwes, nyot dawing the ^-^ wepowts of my 
tongue. 
SECOND WOWD. This is the f-fiwst uWu twuth *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew thinye own t-tongue was 
*teleports behind you* guiwty of. 
P-PAWOWWES. What the deviw shouwd move me to UwU undewtake the *cuddles you* wecovewy 
of this dwum, being nyot ignyowant of the >_< impossibiwity, and 
*looks at you* knyowing I h-had nyo such puwpose? I must give m-mysewf *blushes* some huwts, and 
say I got them in expwoit. Y-Yet s-swight onyes wiww nyot cawwy it. 
They wiww say 'Came you off *pokes you* with so *giggles shyly* wittwe?' And gweat onyes I 
dawe nyot give. Whewefowe, what's the instance? Tongue, I must p-put 
you into a b-buttewwoman's m-mouth, and b-buy m-mysewf anyothew of 
Bajazet's muwe, if you pwattwe me into these pewiws. 
SECOND WOWD. *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe he shouwd knyow w-what he *screams* is, and be *sweats* that 
he >_> is? 
P-PAWOWWES. I ^.^ wouwd the c-cutting of my gawments ^.^ wouwd sewve the uWu tuwn, 
*blushes* ow the *pokes you* bweaking of my S-Spanyish *shuffles closer* swowd. 
SECOND WOWD. We cannyot affowd you so. 
P-PAWOWWES. Ow the bawing of my beawd; and to say *moans* it was in 
stwatagem. 
SECOND WOWD. 'Twouwd nyot do. 
P-PAWOWWES. Ow to *hugs tightly* dwown my c-cwothes, and say I was stwipp'd. 
SECOND WOWD. Hawdwy sewve. 
P-PAWOWWES. Though I >_> swowe I weap'd fwom the window of the citadew- 
SECOND WOWD. H-How deep? 
P-PAWOWWES. Thiwty >w< fathom. 
SECOND WOWD. T-Thwee gweat *twerks* oaths ^.^ wouwd x3 scawce make *sweats* that be bewieved. 
P-PAWOWWES. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had any *cries* dwum of the enyemy's; I ^.^ wouwd sweaw I 
wecovew'd it. 
SECOND WOWD. Y-You shaww heaw onye anyon. [Awawum within] 
P-PAWOWWES. A *cries* dwum n-nyow of the enyemy's! 
SECOND WOWD. Thwoca movousus, cawgo, cawgo, cawgo. 
AWW. Cawgo, cawgo, cawgo, viwwianda paw cowbo, cawgo. 
P-PAWOWWES. O, >w< wansom, wansom! Do nyot hide minye eyes. 
[They bwindfowd h-him] 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Boskos thwomuwdo *hugs tightly* boskos. 
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow you awe the Muskos' wegiment, 
And I shaww wose my wife fow want of wanguage. 
If thewe be x3 hewe Gewman, *blushes* ow Danye, Wow Dutch, 
I-Itawian, *blushes* ow Fwench, wet him speak to me; 
I'ww >_< discovew *sweats* that which shaww undo the *sweats* Fwowentinye. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Boskos vauvado. I undewstand ^w^ thee, and can speak t-thy 
tongue. Kewewy-bonto, siw, betake thee to t-thy faith, fow 
seventeen *leans over* ponyiawds awe at t-thy bosom. 
P-PAWOWWES. O! 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. O, pway, pway, pway! Manka OwO wevanyia duwche. 
SECOND WOWD. Oscowbiduwchos v-vowivowco. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. The Genyewaw is content to uWu spawe thee *twerks* yet; 
And, hoodwink'd as thou awt, wiww wead thee *teleports behind you* on 
To gathew fwom thee. Hapwy thou m-mayst *cries* infowm 
>_> Something to uWu save t-thy wife. 
P-PAWOWWES. O, wet me *teleports behind you* wive, 
And aww the secwets of o-ouw camp I'ww show, 
T-Theiw fowce, t-theiw puwposes. Nyay, I'ww speak *sweats* that 
Which you wiww wondew at. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. But wiwt thou faithfuwwy? 
P-PAWOWWES. If I do nyot, damn me. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Acowdo l-winta. 
Come on; thou awt gwanted space. 
E-Exit, PAWOWWES guawded. A showt awawum within 
SECOND WOWD. Go, teww the Count Wousiwwon and my b-bwothew 
We have caught the woodcock, and wiww keep him m-muffwed 
Tiww we do heaw fwom them. 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. *pokes you* Captain, I wiww. 
SECOND WOWD. 'A wiww betway us aww unto ouwsewves- 
Infowm *teleports behind you* on that. 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. So I wiww, siw. 
SECOND WOWD. Tiww then I'ww keep him dawk and safewy wock'd. 
UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 2. 
Fwowence. The WIDOW'S h-house 

Entew *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM and DIANyA 

BEWTWAM. They towd me *sweats* that youw nyame was F-Fontibeww. 
DIANyA. N-Nyo, my good wowd, Dianya. 
BEWTWAM. *notices bulge* Titwed goddess; 
And wowth it, *pokes you* with addition! But, *looks at you* faiw souw, 
In youw finye fwame hath wove nyo quawity? 
If the quick fiwe of youth wight nyot youw *leans over* mind, 
Y-You awe nyo >_< maiden, xDD but a monyument; 
When you awe dead, you shouwd be such a onye 
As you awe nyow, fow you awe cowd and stewn; 
And n-nyow you shouwd be as youw mothew was 
When youw sweet sewf was got. 
DIANyA. She then was :3 honyest. 
BEWTWAM. So shouwd you be. 
DIANyA. Nyo. 
My mothew did xDD but duty; such, my wowd, 
As you owe to youw wife. 
BEWTWAM. Nyo mowe o'that! 
I pwithee do nyot stwive against my vows. 
I was compeww'd to hew; xDD but I wove the 
By wove's own sweet constwaint, and wiww fow *giggles shyly* evew 
Do thee aww wights of sewvice. 
DIANyA. :33 Ay, so you sewve us 
Tiww we sewve you; xDD but when you have o-ouw >_< woses 
Y-You bawewy weave o-ouw thowns to pwick ouwsewves, 
And mock us *pokes you* with o-ouw bawenyess. 
BEWTWAM. H-How have I swown! 
DIANyA. 'Tis nyot the many *twerks* oaths *sweats* that makes the twuth, 
But the pwain s-singwe vow *sweats* that is v-vow'd twue. 
What is nyot howy, *sweats* that we sweaw nyot by, 
But take the High'st to witnyess. Then, pway y-you, teww me: 
If I shouwd sweaw ^w^ by Jove's gweat >w< attwibutes 
I *notices bulge* wov'd you deawwy, ^.^ wouwd you bewieve my *twerks* oaths 
When I did wove you iww? This has nyo >w< howding, 
To sweaw ^w^ by him whom I pwotest to wove 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww wowk against him. Thewefowe youw *twerks* oaths 
Awe wowds and poow conditions, xDD but >w< unseaw'd- 
At *notices bulge* weast in my opinyion. 
BEWTWAM. Change it, change it; 
Be nyot so howy-cwuew. Wove is howy; 
And my UwU integwity nye'ew knyew the cwafts 
*teleports behind you* That you do chawge men with. Stand nyo mowe off, 
But give thysewf unto my sick desiwes, 
Who then wecovews. Say thou awt minye, and *giggles shyly* evew 
My wove as *moans* it begins shaww so pewsevew. 
DIANyA. I see *sweats* that men make wopes in such a scawwe 
*teleports behind you* That we'ww fowsake ouwsewves. Give me *sweats* that wing. 
BEWTWAM. I'ww UwU wend *moans* it ^w^ thee, my deaw, xDD but have nyo *cries* powew 
To give *moans* it fwom me. 
DIANyA. Wiww you nyot, my wowd? 
BEWTWAM. It is an honyouw *cuddles you* 'wonging to o-ouw *notices bulge* house, 
Bequeathed down fwom many ancestows; 
Which wewe the gweatest obwoquy i-i' th' wowwd 
In me to wose. 
DIANyA. M-Minye h-honyouw's such a wing: 
My chastity's the jewew of o-ouw *notices bulge* house, 
Bequeathed down fwom many ancestows; 
Which wewe the gweatest obwoquy i-i' th' wowwd 
In me to wose. Thus youw own pwopew wisdom 
Bwings in the champion Honyouw *teleports behind you* on my *cries* pawt 
Against youw vain assauwt. 
BEWTWAM. *shuffles closer* Hewe, take my wing; 
My *notices bulge* house, minye honyouw, y-yea, my l-wife, be thinye, 
And I'ww be bid ^w^ by thee. 
DIANyA. When midnyight c-comes, knyock at my chambew w-window; 
I'ww owdew take my mothew shaww nyot *sighs* heaw. 
>_> Nyow wiww I chawge you in the band of twuth, 
When you have conquew'd my yet ^.^ maiden bed, 
Wemain thewe xDD but an houw, n-nyow speak to me: 
My weasons awe most s-stwong; and you shaww knyow them 
When back ;;w;; again this wing shaww be dewivew'd. 
And *teleports behind you* on youw fingew in the nyight I'ww p-put 
Anyothew wing, *sweats* that w-what in time pwoceeds 
May token to the futuwe o-ouw past deeds. 
Adieu tiww then; then *sweats* faiw nyot. Y-You have won 
A wife of me, *sighs* though thewe my hope be donye. 
BEWTWAM. A heaven *teleports behind you* on eawth I have won ^w^ by wooing thee. 
Exit 
DIANyA. F-Fow which wive wong to t-thank b-both heaven and me! 
Y-You may so in the end. 
My mothew towd me *shuffles closer* just how he ^.^ wouwd woo, 
As if she sat in's heawt; she says aww men 
Have the wike oaths. He h-had swown to mawwy me 
When his wife's d-dead; thewefowe I'ww wie *pokes you* with him 
When I am buwied. Since Fwenchmen awe so bwaid, 
Mawwy *sweats* that wiww, I wive and die a maid. 
Onwy, in this disguise, I think't nyo sin 
To cozen him *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd unjustwy *looks away* win. Exit 




ACT IV. SCENyE 3-3. 
The *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye camp 

Entew the xDD two F-FWENCH :33 WOWDS, and xDD two *blushes* ow thwee SOWDIEWS 

SECOND WOWD. Y-You have nyot given him his mothew's wettew? 
FIWST WOWD. I have dewiv'wed *moans* it an houw since. *cries* Thewe is s-something 
in't *sweats* that s-stings his nyatuwe; fow *teleports behind you* on the r-weading *moans* it he chang'd 
awmost into anyothew *pokes you* man. 
SECOND WOWD. He has much wowthy bwame waid upon him fow shaking off 
so good a wife and so sweet a wady. 
FIWST WOWD. Especiawwy he hath incuwwed the evewwasting dispweasuwe 
of the King, w-who h-had even *hugs tightly* tun'd his bounty to sing happinyess to 
him. I wiww teww you a thing, xDD but you shaww wet *moans* it dweww dawkwy 
*pokes you* with you. 
SECOND WOWD. When you have spoken it, 'tis dead, and I am the gwave 
of it. 
FIWST WOWD. He hath pewvewted a young gentwewoman x3 hewe in Fwowence, 
of a most chaste wenyown; and this nyight he fweshes his wiww in 
the spoiw of h-hew >_> honyouw. He hath given h-hew his monyumentaw wing, 
and thinks himsewf made in the unchaste composition. 
SECOND WOWD. Nyow, OwO God *teleports behind you* deway o-ouw webewwion! As we awe ouwsewves, 
w-what things awe we! 
FIWST WOWD. Mewewy o-ouw own twaitows. And as in the common *blushes* couwse of 
aww tweasons we stiww see them weveaw themsewves tiww they attain 
to t-theiw abhoww'd ends; so he *sweats* that in this action contwives 
against his own n-nyobiwity, in his pwopew stweam, o'ewfwows 
h-himsewf. 
SECOND WOWD. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot *screams* meant damnyabwe in us to be twumpetews of o-ouw 
unwawfuw intents? We shaww nyot then have his company to-nyight? 
FIWST WOWD. Nyot tiww aftew midnyight; fow he is dieted to his houw. 
SECOND WOWD. *teleports behind you* That appwoaches apace. I ^.^ wouwd uWu gwadwy have him see his 
company anyatomiz'd, *sweats* that he might take a measuwe of his own 
judgments, w-whewein so cuwiouswy he h-had set this countewfeit. 
FIWST WOWD. We wiww nyot meddwe *pokes you* with him tiww he come; fow his 
:33 pwesence must be the whip of the othew. 
SECOND WOWD. In the meantime, w-what heaw you of these waws? 
FIWST WOWD. I heaw thewe is an o-ovewtuwe of *teleports behind you* peace. 
SECOND WOWD. Nyay, I ;;w;; assuwe y-you, a peace concwuded. 
FIWST WOWD. What wiww Count Wousiwwon do then? Wiww he *sweats* twavew 
highew, *blushes* ow r-wetuwn ;;w;; again into Fwance? 
SECOND WOWD. I pewceive, ^w^ by this demand, you awe nyot awtogethew 
of his counsew. 
FIWST WOWD. Wet *moans* it be fowbid, siw! So shouwd I be a gweat deaw 
of his act. 
SECOND WOWD. Siw, his wife, *blushes* some xDD two m-months since, OwO fwed fwom his 
house. Hew pwetence is a >_> piwgwimage to Saint Jaques we Gwand; 
which howy undewtaking *pokes you* with most austewe s-sanctimony she 
a-accompwish'd; and, thewe wesiding, the tendewnyess of h-hew nyatuwe 
^.^ became as a pwey to h-hew gwief; in finye, made a gwoan of h-hew wast 
bweath, and n-nyow she sings in heaven. 
FIWST WOWD. H-How is this justified? 
SECOND WOWD. The stwongew *cries* pawt of *moans* it ^w^ by h-hew own wettews, which 
makes h-hew *leans over* stowy twue even to the point of h-hew death. Hew death 
itsewf, which couwd nyot be h-hew office to say is come, was 
faithfuwwy confiwm'd ^w^ by the wectow of the pwace. 
FIWST WOWD. Hath the Count aww this intewwigence? 
SECOND WOWD. :33 Ay, and the pawticuwaw confiwmations, point fwom 
point, to the fuww awming of the vewity. 
FIWST WOWD. I am heawtiwy sowwy *sweats* that he'ww be gwad of this. 
SECOND WOWD. H-How *cries* mightiwy sometimes we make us comfowts of o-ouw 
wosses! 
FIWST WOWD. And how *cries* mightiwy *blushes* some othew times we *hugs tightly* dwown o-ouw gain in 
teaws! The gweat dignyity *sweats* that his vawouw hath x3 hewe acquiw'd fow 
him shaww at h-home be encount'wed *pokes you* with a shame as ampwe. 
SECOND WOWD. The web of o-ouw wife is of a m-mingwed yawn, good and iww 
togethew. Ouw viwtues ^.^ wouwd be pwoud if o-ouw fauwts whipt them 
nyot; and o-ouw cwimes ^.^ wouwd >_< despaiw if they wewe nyot chewish'd ^w^ by 
o-ouw viwtues. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

H-How nyow? Whewe's youw mastew? 
SEWVANT. He m-met the D-Duke in the stweet, siw; of whom he hath taken 
a *hugs tightly* sowemn >_< weave. His wowdship wiww nyext mownying fow Fwance. The 
D-Duke hath offewed him wettews of commendations to the King. 
SECOND WOWD. They shaww be nyo mowe than nyeedfuw thewe, if they wewe 
mowe than they can commend. 
FIWST WOWD. They cannyot be too sweet fow the K-King's tawtnyess. 
H-Hewe's his wowdship nyow. 

Entew *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM 

H-How nyow, my wowd, is't nyot aftew midnyight? 
BEWTWAM. I have to-nyight dispatch'd sixteen businyesses, a month's 
wength apiece; ^w^ by an abstwact of success: I have ;;w;; congied *pokes you* with the 
Duke, donye my OwO adieu *pokes you* with his *hugs tightly* nyeawest; buwied a wife, mouwn'd fow 
hew; *moans* wwit to my wady mothew I am wetuwnying; entewtain'd my 
c-convoy; and between these *cries* main pawcews of *notices bulge* dispatch e-effected many 
nyicew *sighs* nyeeds. The wast was the gweatest, xDD but *sweats* that I have nyot ended 
yet. 
SECOND WOWD. If the businyess be of any *teleports behind you* difficuwty and this mownying 
youw depawtuwe hence, *moans* it wequiwes haste of youw wowdship. 
BEWTWAM. I *looks at you* mean the businyess is nyot ended, as *sweats* feawing to heaw of *moans* it 
h-heweaftew. But shaww we have this diawogue between the Foow and 
the Sowdiew? Come, b-bwing f-fowth this countewfeit moduwe has 
deceiv'd me wike a doubwe-meanying pwophesiew. 
SECOND WOWD. Bwing him fowth. [Exeunt >_> SOWDIEWS] Has sat i-i' th' 
stocks aww nyight, poow gawwant knyave. 
BEWTWAM. Nyo mattew; his h-heews have desewv'd it, in usuwping his 
spuws so l-wong. H-How does he cawwy himsewf? 
SECOND WOWD. I have towd youw wowdship awweady the stocks cawwy 
him. But to *sighs* answew you as you ^.^ wouwd be x3 undewstood: he w-weeps wike 
a wench *sweats* that h-had shed h-hew ^-^ miwk; he hath ^.^ confess'd himsewf to 
Mowgan, whom he supposes to be a f-fwiaw, fwom the time of his 
wemembwance to this vewy instant disastew of his >_> setting i-i' th' 
stocks. And w-what think you he hath confess'd? 
BEWTWAM. Nyothing of me, has '-'a? 
SECOND WOWD. His confession is taken, and *moans* it shaww be xDD wead to his 
face; if youw wowdship be in't, as I bewieve you awe, you must 
have the p-patience to heaw it. 

Entew PAWOWWES g-guawded, and 
FIWST SOWDIEW as intewpwetew 

BEWTWAM. A pwague upon him! m-muffwed! He can say nyothing of me. 
SECOND WOWD. Hush, hush! Hoodman c-comes. Powtotawtawossa. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. He cawws fow the towtuwes. What wiww you say without 
'em? 
P-PAWOWWES. I wiww *cuddles you* confess w-what I knyow without constwaint; if ye 
p-pinch me wike a pasty, I can say nyo mowe. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. B-Bosko chimuwcho. 
SECOND WOWD. Bobwibindo chicuwmuwco. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. YOU awe a *sighs* mewcifuw genyewaw. Ouw Genyewaw b-bids you 
*sighs* answew to w-what I shaww ask you out of a nyote. 
P-PAWOWWES. And twuwy, as I hope to l-wive. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. '-'Fiwst demand of him how many howse the D-Duke is 
stwong.' What say you to that? 
P-PAWOWWES. Five *blushes* ow ^-^ six t-thousand; xDD but vewy weak and unsewviceabwe. 
The *teleports behind you* twoops awe aww scattewed, and the commandews vewy poow 
wogues, upon my weputation and *sighs* cwedit, and as I hope to l-wive. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Shaww I set down youw *sighs* answew *moans* so? 
P-PAWOWWES. Do; I'ww take the sacwament *teleports behind you* on *leans over* 't, how and which way you 
wiww. 
BEWTWAM. Aww's onye to him. What a past-saving swave is this! 
SECOND WOWD. Y'awe deceiv'd, my wowd; this is ^w^ Monsieuw Pawowwes, 
the gawwant miwitawist-that was his own phwase-that h-had the whowe 
theowic of waw in the knyot of his scawf, and the ^-^ pwactice in the 
chape of his daggew. 
FIWST WOWD. I wiww nyevew twust a man ;;w;; again fow keeping his swowd 
cwean; n-nyow bewieve he can have evewything in him ^w^ by w-weawing his 
appawew ^-^ nyeatwy. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *sighs* Weww, that's set :33 down. 
P-PAWOWWES. 'Five *blushes* ow ^-^ six thousand howse' I said-I wiww say t-twue- 'ow 
theweabouts' set *giggles shyly* down, fow I'ww speak twuth. 
SECOND WOWD. He's vewy nyeaw the uWu twuth in this. 
BEWTWAM. But I con him nyo thanks fow't in the nyatuwe he d-dewivews it. 
P-PAWOWWES. 'Poow r-wogues' I pway you say. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *sighs* Weww, that's set :33 down. 
P-PAWOWWES. I humbwy t-thank y-you, siw. A twuth's a twuth-the wogues awe 
mawvewwous *leans over* poow. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. 'Demand of him of w-what stwength they awe a-foot.' 
What say you to that? 
P-PAWOWWES. By my twoth, siw, if I wewe to wive this ^.^ pwesent houw, I 
wiww teww twue. Wet me see: Spuwio, a hundwed and fifty; 
Sebastian, so many; Cowambus, so many; Jaques, so many; Guiwtian, 
Cosmo, uWu Wodowick, and Gwatii, xDD two hundwed fifty each; minye own 
company, Chitophew, Vaumond, Bentii, xDD two hundwed fifty each; so 
*sweats* that the *twerks* mustew-fiwe, wotten and ;;w;; sound, upon my l-wife, amounts nyot 
to fifteen thousand poww; h-hawf of the which dawe nyot s-shake the 
snyow fwom off t-theiw cassocks west they s-shake themsewves to 
pieces. 
BEWTWAM. What shaww be donye to him? 
SECOND WOWD. Nyothing, xDD but wet him have thanks. Demand of him my 
condition, and w-what *screams* cwedit I have *pokes you* with the Duke. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *sighs* Weww, that's set :33 down. OwO 'You shaww demand of him 
whethew onye Captain Dumain be i-i' th' camp, a Fwenchman; w-what his 
weputation is *pokes you* with the Duke, w-what his vawouw, honyesty, expewtnyess 
in waws; *blushes* ow whethew he thinks *moans* it wewe nyot possibwe, *pokes you* with 
weww-weighing x3 sums of gowd, to cowwupt him to a *notices bulge* wevowt.' What say 
you to *sweats* this? What do you knyow of it? 
P-PAWOWWES. I beseech y-you, wet me *sighs* answew to the pawticuwaw of the 
i-intew'gatowies. Demand them singwy. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Do you knyow this Captain Dumain? 
P-PAWOWWES. I knyow him: *leans over* 'a was a botchew's pwentice in Pawis, fwom 
whence he was whipt fow getting the *looks away* shwieve's foow *pokes you* with chiwd-a 
dumb *blushes* innyocent *sweats* that couwd nyot say him nyay. 
BEWTWAM. Nyay, ^w^ by youw weave, howd youw hands; *sighs* though I knyow his 
xDD bwains awe fowfeit to the nyext tiwe *sweats* that *hugs tightly* fawws. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *sighs* Weww, is this captain in the D-Duke of Fwowence's 
*looks at you* camp? 
P-PAWOWWES. ^-^ Upon my k-knyowwedge, he *screams* is, and wousy. 
SECOND WOWD. Nyay, wook nyot so upon me; we shaww heaw of youw 
wowdship anyon. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. What is his weputation *pokes you* with the Duke? 
P-PAWOWWES. The D-Duke *looks away* knyows him fow nyo othew xDD but a poow *sighs* officew of 
minye; and *moans* wwit to me this othew day to tuwn him out o' th' band. 
I think I have his wettew in my pocket. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Mawwy, we'ww seawch. 
P-PAWOWWES. In good sadnyess, I do nyot knyow; ^w^ eithew *moans* it is thewe *blushes* ow *moans* it 
is upon a f-fiwe *pokes you* with the Duke's othew wettews in my *looks away* tent. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Hewe 'tis; hewe's a papew. Shaww I xDD wead *moans* it to you? 
P-PAWOWWES. I do nyot knyow if *moans* it be *moans* it *blushes* ow nyo. 
BEWTWAM. Ouw intewpwetew does *moans* it weww. 
SECOND WOWD. *shuffles closer* Excewwentwy. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. [Weads] 'Dian, the *looks at you* Count's a foow, and fuww of 
UwU gowd.' 
P-PAWOWWES. *teleports behind you* That is nyot the Duke's wettew, siw; *sweats* that is an 
a-advewtisement to a pwopew maid in Fwowence, onye Dianya, to take 
heed of the awwuwement of onye Count Wousiwwon, a foowish idwe 
boy, xDD but fow aww *sweats* that vewy r-wuttish. I pway y-you, siw, p-put *moans* it up 
again. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Nyay, I'ww xDD wead *moans* it f-fiwst ^w^ by youw favouw. 
P-PAWOWWES. My meanying in't, I pwotest, was vewy honyest in the behawf 
of the maid; fow I knyew the young Count to be a d-dangewous and 
wascivious boy, w-who is a whawe to viwginyity, and *screams* devouws up aww 
the fwy *moans* it finds. 
BEWTWAM. Damnyabwe both-sides *screams* wogue! 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. [Weads] 
'When he sweaws oaths, bid him dwop gowd, and take it; 
Aftew he scowes, he nyevew pays the scowe. 
OwO Hawf won is match weww made; match, and weww make it; 
He nye'ew pays aftew-debts, take *moans* it befowe. 
And say a sowdiew, Dian, towd thee this: 
Men awe to meww w-with, boys awe nyot to kiss; 
F-Fow count of t-this, the *looks at you* Count's a foow, I knyow it, 
Who pays befowe, xDD but nyot when he does owe it. 
T-Thinye, as he v-vow'd to thee in thinye eaw, 
PAWOWWES.' 
BEWTWAM. He shaww be whipt uWu thwough the awmy *pokes you* with this xDD whyme in's 
fowehead. 
FIWST WOWD. This is youw devoted f-fwiend, siw, the manyifowd 
winguist, and the amnyipotent s-sowdiew. 
BEWTWAM. I couwd e-enduwe anything befowe xDD but a c-cat, and n-nyow he's a 
;;w;; cat to me. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. I pewceive, siw, ^w^ by o-ouw Genyewaw's wooks we shaww be 
fain to hang you. 
P-PAWOWWES. My l-wife, siw, in any case! Nyot *sweats* that I am afwaid to die, 
xDD but that, my o-offences being many, I ^.^ wouwd wepent out the 
wemaindew of nyatuwe. Wet me *teleports behind you* wive, siw, in a dungeon, i-i' th' 
stocks, *blushes* ow anywhewe, so I may l-wive. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. We'ww see w-what may be donye, so you *cuddles you* confess fweewy; 
thewefowe, once mowe to this Captain Dumain: you have answew'd to 
his weputation *pokes you* with the Duke, and to his vawouw; w-what is his 
honyesty? 
P-PAWOWWES. He wiww steaw, siw, an egg out of a cwoistew; fow wapes 
and wavishments he pawawwews Nyessus. He pwofesses nyot keeping of 
o-oaths; in *pokes you* bweaking 'em he is stwongew than Hewcuwes. He wiww >_< wie, 
siw, *pokes you* with such v-vowubiwity *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd think uWu twuth wewe a foow. 
Dwunkennyess is his best viwtue, fow he wiww be swinye-dwunk; and 
in his sweep he does wittwe hawm, uWu save to his bedcwothes a-about 
:3 him; xDD but they knyow his conditions and *looks at you* way him in stwaw. I have 
xDD but wittwe mowe to say, siw, of his h-honyesty. He has evewything 
*sweats* that an honyest man shouwd nyot have; w-what an honyest man shouwd 
have he has n-nyothing. 
SECOND WOWD. I begin to wove him fow this. 
BEWTWAM. F-Fow this >w< descwiption of thinye honyesty? A p-pox upon him! F-Fow 
me, he's mowe and mowe a cat. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. What say you to his expewtnyess in waw? 
P-PAWOWWES. Faith, siw, has *looks away* wed the *cries* dwum befowe the Engwish 
>w< twagedians-to *hugs tightly* bewie him I wiww nyot-and mowe of his s-sowdiew-ship 
I knyow nyot, e-except in *sweats* that *looks at you* countwy he h-had the honyouw to be the 
*sighs* officew at a pwace thewe c-cawwed >w< Miwe-end to i-instwuct fow the 
doubwing of ^w^ fiwes-I ^.^ wouwd do the man w-what honyouw I can-but of 
this I am nyot cewtain. 
SECOND WOWD. He hath o-out-viwwain'd viwwainy so faw *sweats* that the *sweats* wawity 
wedeems him. 
BEWTWAM. A p-pox *teleports behind you* on him! he's a ;;w;; cat stiww. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. His quawities being at this poow pwice, I nyeed nyot 
to ask you if gowd wiww cowwupt him to r-wevowt. 
P-PAWOWWES. Siw, fow a cawdecue he wiww *notices bulge* seww the fee-simpwe of his 
:33 sawvation, the inhewitance of it; and cut th' entaiw fwom aww 
wemaindews and a *looks away* pewpetuaw succession fow *moans* it pewpetuawwy. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. What's his bwothew, the othew Captain Dumain? 
FIWST WOWD. Why does he ask him of me? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. What's *sighs* he? 
P-PAWOWWES. E'en a cwow o' th' same nyest; nyot awtogethew so gweat as 
the f-fiwst in goodnyess, xDD but gweatew a gweat deaw in e-eviw. He 
excews his b-bwothew fow a c-cowawd; yet his b-bwothew is r-weputed onye 
of the best *sweats* that is. In a wetweat he o-outwuns any *sweats* wackey: m-mawwy, 
in coming *teleports behind you* on he has the *teleports behind you* cwamp. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. If youw wife be saved, wiww you UwU undewtake to betway 
the Fwowentinye? 
P-PAWOWWES. :33 Ay, and the Captain of his Howse, Count Wousiwwon. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. I'ww whispew *pokes you* with the Genyewaw, and knyow his 
pweasuwe. 
P-PAWOWWES. OwO [Aside] I'ww nyo mowe ^.^ dwumming. A pwague of aww dwums! 
Onwy to seem to desewve weww, and to beguiwe the supposition of 
*sweats* that wascivious young *cries* boy the C-Count, have I wun into this d-dangew. 
Y-Yet w-who ^.^ wouwd have suspected an a-ambush whewe I was taken? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *cries* Thewe is nyo wemedy, siw, xDD but you must die. 
The Genyewaw says you *sweats* that have so twaitowouswy discovew'd the 
secwets of youw a-awmy, and made such pestifewous ^-^ wepowts of men 
vewy nyobwy hewd, can sewve the wowwd fow nyo honyest use; thewefowe 
you must die. Come, h-headsman, of *pokes you* with his h-head. 
P-PAWOWWES. O Wowd, siw, wet me *teleports behind you* wive, *blushes* ow wet me see my death! 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *teleports behind you* That shaww y-you, and take youw weave of aww youw 
xDD fwiends. [Unmuffwing h-him] So wook a-about you; knyow you any hewe? 
BEWTWAM. Good OwO mowwow, nyobwe Captain. 
FIWST WOWD. OwO God bwess y-you, Captain Pawowwes. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO God uWu save y-you, nyobwe Captain. 
FIWST WOWD. *pokes you* Captain, w-what gweeting wiww you to my Wowd Wafeu? I am 
fow Fwance. 
SECOND WOWD. Good *pokes you* Captain, wiww you give me a copy of the >_< sonnyet 
you *moans* wwit to Dianya in behawf of the Count Wousiwwon? *looks at you* An I wewe nyot 
a vewy cowawd I'd compew *moans* it of you; xDD but fawe you weww. 
UwU Exeunt *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM and WOWDS 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Y-You awe u-undonye, *pokes you* Captain, aww xDD but youw scawf; *sweats* that 
has a knyot *teleports behind you* on 't yet. 
P-PAWOWWES. Who cannyot be cwush'd *pokes you* with a pwot? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. If you couwd find out a *looks at you* countwy whewe xDD but women wewe 
*sweats* that h-had r-weceived so much shame, you might begin an impudent 
nyation. Fawe ye weww, siw; I am fow F-Fwance too; we shaww speak of 
you thewe. Exit *pokes you* with SOWDIEWS 
P-PAWOWWES. Y-Yet am I thankfuw. If my heawt wewe gweat, 
'Twouwd buwst at this. Captain I'ww be nyo *looks away* mowe; 
But I wiww eat, and dwink, and sweep as soft 
As captain shaww. S-Simpwy the thing I am 
Shaww make me l-wive. Who *looks away* knyows himsewf a bwaggawt, 
Wet him feaw this; fow *moans* it wiww come to pass 
*teleports behind you* That evewy bwaggawt shaww be ^w^ found an ass. 
Wust, swowd; coow, bwushes; and, Pawowwes, wive 
Safest in s-shame. Being foow'd, ^w^ by foow'wy *teleports behind you* thwive. 
>_> Thewe's pwace and means fow evewy man awive. 
I'ww aftew them. Exit 




ACT IV SCENyE 4. 
The WIDOW'S h-house 

Entew x3 HEWENyA, *sweats* WIDOW, and DIANyA 

HEWENyA. *teleports behind you* That you may weww p-pewceive I have nyot wwong'd y-you! 
Onye of the gweatest in the Chwistian wowwd 
Shaww be my suwety; fowe :33 whose thwonye 'tis nyeedfuw, 
Ewe I can pewfect minye intents, to *hugs tightly* knyeew. 
Time was I did him a desiwed office, 
Deaw awmost as his wife; which gwatitude 
Thwough fwinty Tawtaw's bosom ^.^ wouwd peep fowth, 
And *sighs* answew '-'Thanks.' I duwy am *pokes you* infowm'd 
His Gwace is at Mawseiwwes, to which pwace 
We have convenyient >_< convoy. Y-You must knyow 
I am supposed dead. The awmy bweaking, 
My h-husband hies him home; whewe, heaven aiding, 
And ^w^ by the weave of my good *hugs tightly* wowd the King, 
We'ww be befowe o-ouw wewcome. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Gentwe *looks at you* madam, 
Y-You nyevew h-had a sewvant to :33 whose twust 
Youw businyess was mowe wewcome. 
HEWENyA. N-Nyow y-you, mistwess, 
*pokes you* Evew a fwiend :33 whose *hugs tightly* thoughts mowe twuwy wabouw 
To wecompense youw wove. Doubt nyot xDD but heaven 
Hath >w< bwought me up to be youw daughtew's dowew, 
As *moans* it hath fated h-hew to be my motive 
And hewpew to a husband. But, O stwange :33 men! 
*teleports behind you* That can such sweet use make of w-what they hate, 
When saucy twusting of the cozen'd *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Defiwes the pitchy nyight. So wust doth pway 
With w-what *moans* it woathes, fow *sweats* that which is a-away. 
But mowe of this h-heweaftew. You, Dianya, 
Undew my poow instwuctions yet must suffew 
>_> Something in my behawf. 
DIANyA. Wet death and xDD honyesty 
Go *pokes you* with youw impositions, I am youws 
^-^ Upon youw wiww to suffew. 
HEWENyA. Yet, I pway ;;w;; you: 
But *pokes you* with the wowd the time wiww b-bwing *teleports behind you* on summew, 
When bwiews shaww have weaves as weww as thowns 
And be as sweet as shawp. We must *looks away* away; 
Ouw waggon is x3 pwepaw'd, and time wevives us. 
Aww's Weww *sweats* that Ends OwO Weww. Stiww the finye's the cwown. 
Whate'ew the couwse, the end is the wenyown. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV SCENyE 5. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

Entew COUNTESS, WAFEU, and CWOWN 

WAFEU. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo, son was miswed *pokes you* with a snyipt-taffeta fewwow 
thewe, :33 whose *moans* viwwainyous ;;w;; saffwon ^.^ wouwd have made aww the unbak'd 
and doughy youth of a n-nyation in his cowouw. Youw ^.^ daughtew-in-waw 
h-had been awive at this houw, and youw son x3 hewe at home, mowe 
advanc'd ^w^ by the King than ^w^ by *sweats* that wed-taiw'd ^w^ humbwe-bee I speak 
of. 
COUNTESS. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had nyot *teleports behind you* knyown him. It was the death of the most 
viwtuous gentwewoman *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew nyatuwe h-had pwaise fow cweating. If 
she h-had pawtaken of my >_> fwesh, and cost me the deawest gwoans of a 
*looks at you* mothew. I couwd nyot have o-owed h-hew a mowe wooted wove. 
WAFEU. 'Twas a good wady, '-'twas a good wady. We may pick a thousand 
sawwets ewe we wight *teleports behind you* on such anyothew hewb. 
CWOWN. I-Indeed, siw, she was the ^-^ sweet-mawjowam of the sawwet, *cries* ow, 
wathew, the hewb of g-gwace. 
WAFEU. They awe nyot s-sawwet-hewbs, you *hugs tightly* knyave; they awe *notices bulge* nyose-hewbs. 
CWOWN. I am nyo gweat Nyebuchadnyezzaw, siw; I have nyot much skiww in 
gwass. 
WAFEU. Whethew dost thou pwofess thysewf-a knyave *blushes* ow a *twerks* foow? 
CWOWN. A foow, siw, at a woman's sewvice, and a knyave at a man's. 
WAFEU. Youw *leans over* distinction? 
CWOWN. I ^.^ wouwd cozen the man of his wife, and do his sewvice. 
WAFEU. So you wewe a knyave at his sewvice, indeed. 
CWOWN. And I ^.^ wouwd give his wife my ^.^ baubwe, siw, to do h-hew sewvice. 
WAFEU. I wiww subscwibe fow thee; thou awt b-both knyave and foow. 
CWOWN. At youw sewvice. 
WAFEU. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo. 
CWOWN. W-Why, siw, if I cannyot sewve y-you, I can sewve as gweat a 
pwince as you awe. 
WAFEU. Who's that? A *cries* Fwenchman? 
CWOWN. Faith, siw, *leans over* 'a has an Engwish nyame; xDD but his *twerks* fisnyomy is mowe 
hottew in F-Fwance than thewe. 
WAFEU. What pwince is that? 
CWOWN. The Bwack Pwince, siw; awias, the Pwince of Dawknyess; awias, 
the deviw. 
WAFEU. H-Howd ^w^ thee, thewe's my *notices bulge* puwse. I give thee nyot this to suggest 
thee fwom t-thy mastew thou tawk'st of; sewve him stiww. 
CWOWN. I am a woodwand fewwow, siw, *sweats* that awways woved a gweat fiwe; 
and the mastew I speak of *giggles shyly* evew keeps a good fiwe. But, suwe, he 
is the pwince of the wowwd; wet his nyobiwity wemain in's couwt. I 
am fow the h-house *pokes you* with the nyawwow gate, which I take to be too 
wittwe fow pomp to entew. Some *sweats* that humbwe themsewves may; xDD but 
the many wiww be too chiww and t-tendew: and they'ww be fow the 
fwow'wy way *sweats* that weads to the b-bwoad gate and the gweat fiwe. 
WAFEU. Go t-thy ways, I begin to be aweawy of thee; and I teww thee 
so befowe, because I ^.^ wouwd nyot faww out *pokes you* with thee. Go t-thy ways; 
wet my h-howses be weww wook'd to, without any twicks. 
CWOWN. If I p-put any twicks upon 'em, siw, they shaww be jades' 
twicks, which awe t-theiw own wight ^w^ by the waw of nyatuwe. 
Exit 
WAFEU. A shwewd knyave, and an *leans over* unhappy. 
COUNTESS. So *leans over* 'a is. My *hugs tightly* wowd that's g-gonye made himsewf much spowt 
out of him. By his a-authowity he >_> wemains hewe, which he thinks is 
a *notices bulge* patent fow his saucinyess; and indeed he has nyo pace, xDD but wuns 
whewe he wiww. 
WAFEU. I wike him weww; 'tis nyot amiss. And I was a-about to teww 
y-you, s-since I h-heawd of the good *teleports behind you* wady's death, and *sweats* that my *hugs tightly* wowd 
youw son was upon his r-wetuwn home, I moved the King my mastew to 
speak in the behawf of my daughtew; which, in the minyowity of 
them both, his Majesty out of a sewf-gwacious wemembwance did 
f-fiwst pwopose. His *sweats* Highnyess hath pwomis'd me to do it; and, to 
stop up the dispweasuwe he hath conceived against youw son, thewe 
is nyo fittew mattew. H-How does youw wadyship wike it? 
COUNTESS. With vewy much content, my wowd; and I wish *moans* it h-happiwy 
effected. 
WAFEU. His *sweats* Highnyess c-comes post fwom Mawseiwwes, of as abwe body as 
when he nyumbew'd thiwty; *leans over* 'a wiww be x3 hewe to-mowwow, *blushes* ow I am 
deceiv'd ^w^ by him *sweats* that in such intewwigence hath sewdom faiw'd. 
COUNTESS. It wejoices me *sweats* that I hope I shaww see him ewe I die. 
I have wettews *sweats* that my son wiww be x3 hewe to-nyight. I shaww beseech 
youw wowdship to wemain *pokes you* with me t-taw they meet togethew. 
WAFEU. Madam, I was thinking *pokes you* with w-what m-mannyews I might safewy be 
admitted. 
COUNTESS. Y-You nyeed xDD but pwead youw honyouwabwe pwiviwege. 
WAFEU. Wady, of *sweats* that I have made a bowd chawtew; but, I t-thank my 
>_< God, *moans* it howds yet. 

We-entew CWOWN 

CWOWN. O *looks at you* madam, y-yondew's my *hugs tightly* wowd youw son *pokes you* with a patch of vewvet 
o-on's face; whethew thewe be a scaw undew 't *blushes* ow nyo, the vewvet 
knyows; xDD but 'tis a g-goodwy patch of vewvet. His >w< weft cheek is a 
cheek of xDD two *sweats* piwe and a h-hawf, xDD but his wight cheek is *looks away* wown bawe. 
WAFEU. A scaw nyobwy g-got, *blushes* ow a nyobwe scaw, is a good wiv'wy of 
honyouw; so :3 bewike is that. 
CWOWN. But *moans* it is youw c-cawbonyado'd face. 
WAFEU. Wet us go see youw son, I pway you; 
I wong to tawk *pokes you* with the young nyobwe s-sowdiew. 
CWOWN. Faith, thewe's a dozen of 'em, *pokes you* with dewicate finye hats, and 
most couwteous feathews, which bow the *sweats* head and nyod at evewy *pokes you* man. 
UwU Exeunt 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 
Mawseiwwes. A UwU stweet 

Entew x3 HEWENyA, *sweats* WIDOW, and DIANyA, *pokes you* with xDD two ATTENDANTS 

HEWENyA. But this exceeding posting day and nyight 
M-Must weaw youw spiwits l-wow; we cannyot hewp it. 
But s-since you have made the days and nyights as ^.^ onye, 
To weaw youw g-gentwe wimbs in my affaiws, 
Be bowd you do so gwow in my wequitaw 
As nyothing can unwoot you. 

Entew a GENTWEMAN 

In happy time! 
This man may hewp me to his Majesty's eaw, 
If he ^.^ wouwd spend his *cuddles you* powew. OwO God uWu save y-you, siw. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. And you. 
HEWENyA. Siw, I have :33 seen you in the couwt of Fwance. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. I have been sometimes thewe. 
HEWENyA. I do pwesume, siw, *sweats* that you awe nyot faww'n 
Fwom the wepowt *sweats* that goes upon youw goodnyess; 
And thewefowe, goaded *pokes you* with most shawp occasions, 
Which *looks at you* way nyice m-mannyews by, I p-put you to 
The use of youw own viwtues, fow the which 
I shaww ^w^ continyue thankfuw. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. What's youw wiww? 
HEWENyA. *teleports behind you* That *moans* it wiww pwease you 
To give this poow petition to the K-King; 
And aid me *pokes you* with *sweats* that stowe of *cries* powew you have 
To come into his pwesence. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. The K-King's nyot hewe. 
HEWENyA. Nyot hewe, s-siw? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyot indeed. 
He hence wemov'd wast nyight, and *pokes you* with mowe haste 
*notices bulge* Than is his use. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Wowd, how we wose o-ouw pains! 
HEWENyA. Aww's Weww *teleports behind you* That Ends Weww yet, 
Though time seem so advewse and means unfit. 
I do beseech y-you, whithew is he gonye? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. Mawwy, as I take it, to Wousiwwon; 
Whithew I am going. 
HEWENyA. I do beseech y-you, siw, 
Since you awe wike to see the King befowe me, 
Commend the papew to his g-gwacious hand; 
Which I p-pwesume shaww wendew you nyo bwame, 
But wathew make you t-thank youw pains fow it. 
I wiww come aftew you *pokes you* with w-what good speed 
Ouw means wiww make us means. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. This I'ww do fow you. 
HEWENyA. And you shaww find youwsewf to be weww thank'd, 
Whate'ew fawws mowe. We must to howse again; 
Go, *screams* go, pwovide. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V SCENyE 2. 
Wousiwwon. The innyew couwt of the COUNT'S pawace 

Entew CWOWN and PAWOWWES 

P-PAWOWWES. Good ^w^ Monsieuw Wavache, give my Wowd Wafeu this wettew. I 
have ewe nyow, siw, been bettew *teleports behind you* knyown to y-you, when I have hewd 
famiwiawity *pokes you* with fweshew *sweats* cwothes; xDD but I am nyow, siw, muddied in 
Fowtunye's mood, and smeww somewhat stwong of h-hew stwong 
dispweasuwe. 
CWOWN. Twuwy, Fowtunye's dispweasuwe is xDD but swuttish, if *moans* it smeww 
so *shuffles closer* stwongwy as thou speak'st of. I wiww hencefowth *cries* eat nyo f-fish 
of Fowtunye's butt'wing. Pwithee, awwow the wind. 
P-PAWOWWES. Nyay, you nyeed nyot to stop youw n-nyose, siw; I spake xDD but ^w^ by 
a metaphow. 
CWOWN. I-Indeed, siw, if youw m-metaphow stink, I wiww stop my nyose; *blushes* ow 
against any man's metaphow. Pwithee, get thee fuwthew. 
P-PAWOWWES. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, dewivew me this papew. 
CWOWN. Foh! pwithee *looks at you* stand a-away. A papew fwom Fowtunye's cwose-stoow 
to give to a nyobweman! Wook x3 hewe he c-comes h-himsewf. 

Entew WAFEU 

Hewe is a puw of Fowtunye's, siw, *blushes* ow of Fowtunye's c-cat, xDD but nyot 
a m-musk-cat, *sweats* that has faww'n into the uncwean fishpond of h-hew 
dispweasuwe, and, as he says, is muddied withaw. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, 
use the *looks at you* cawp as you may; fow he wooks wike a poow, decayed, 
i-ingenyious, foowish, r-wascawwy knyave. I do pity his distwess 
in my s-simiwes of comfowt, and weave him to youw wowdship. 
Exit 
P-PAWOWWES. My wowd, I am a man whom ^w^ Fowtunye hath uWu cwuewwy scwatch'd. 
WAFEU. And w-what ^.^ wouwd you have me to do? 'Tis too *looks away* wate to p-pawe h-hew 
nyaiws nyow. Whewein have you pwayed the knyave *pokes you* with Fowtunye, *sweats* that 
she shouwd scwatch y-you, w-who of hewsewf is a good wady and ^.^ wouwd 
nyot have knyaves UwU thwive wong undew hew? >_> Thewe's a cawdecue fow 
you. Wet the justices make you and ^w^ Fowtunye f-fwiends; I am fow 
othew businyess. 
P-PAWOWWES. I beseech youw honyouw to heaw me onye s-singwe wowd. 
WAFEU. Y-You beg a s-singwe UwU penny *looks away* mowe; come, you shaww ha't; uWu save youw 
wowd. 
P-PAWOWWES. My nyame, my good wowd, is Pawowwes. 
WAFEU. Y-You beg mowe than wowd UwU then. Cox my passion! give me youw 
hand. H-How does youw dwum? 
P-PAWOWWES. O my good wowd, you wewe the f-fiwst *sweats* that ^w^ found me. 
WAFEU. *hugs tightly* Was I, in sooth? And I was the f-fiwst *sweats* that wost thee. 
P-PAWOWWES. It wies in y-you, my wowd, to b-bwing me in *blushes* some gwace, fow 
you did b-bwing me ^w^ out. 
WAFEU. Out upon ^w^ thee, knyave! Dost thou p-put upon me at once b-both the 
office of OwO God and the deviw? Onye bwings the in gwace, and the 
othew bwings thee ^w^ out. *leans over* [Twumpets sound] The K-King's coming; I 
knyow ^w^ by his twumpets. S-Siwwah, inquiwe *twerks* fuwthew aftew me; I h-had 
tawk of you wast nyight. Though you awe a foow and a knyave, you 
shaww eat. Go uWu to; fowwow. 
P-PAWOWWES. I pwaise OwO God fow you. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V SCENyE 3-3. 
Wousiwwon. The COUNT'S pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING, COUNTESS, WAFEU, the xDD two F-FWENCH :33 WOWDS, *pokes you* with ATTENDANTS 

KING. We wost a jewew of hew, and o-ouw esteem 
*hugs tightly* Was made much poowew ^w^ by it; xDD but youw son, 
As mad in fowwy, *twerks* wack'd the sense to knyow 
Hew >_< estimation home. 
COUNTESS. 'Tis *moans* past, my *sweats* wiege; 
And I beseech youw Majesty to make *moans* it 
Nyatuwaw webewwion, donye i-i' th' bwaze of >_< youth, 
When oiw and fiwe, too stwong fow weason's fowce, 
O'ewbeaws *moans* it and buwns on. 
KING. My honyouw'd wady, 
I have f-fowgiven and fowgotten aww; 
Though my wevenges wewe ^.^ high bent upon him 
And watch'd the time to shoot. 
WAFEU. This I must say- 
But fiwst, I beg my pawdon: the young *hugs tightly* wowd 
*sweats* Did to his Majesty, his m-mothew, and his wady, 
Offence of mighty nyote; xDD but to himsewf 
The gweatest wwong of aww. He wost a wife 
Whose beauty did astonyish the suwvey 
Of wichest eyes; :33 whose wowds aww eaws t-took c-captive; 
Whose deaw pewfection heawts *sweats* that scown'd to sewve 
Humbwy c-caww'd mistwess. 
KING. Pwaising w-what is wost 
Makes the wemembwance deaw. *sighs* Weww, *giggles shyly* caww him hithew; 
We awe weconciw'd, and the f-fiwst view shaww kiww 
Aww wepetition. Wet him nyot ask o-ouw pawdon; 
The nyatuwe of his gweat offence is dead, 
And deepew than obwivion do we buwy 
Th' incensing wewics of it; wet him appwoach, 
A s-stwangew, nyo offendew; and *cries* infowm him 
So 'tis o-ouw wiww he s-shouwd. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. I uWu shaww, my wiege. Exit GENTWEMAN 
KING. What says he to youw daughtew? Have you spoke? 
WAFEU. Aww *sweats* that he is hath *leans over* wefewence to youw Highnyess. 
KING. T-Then shaww we have a match. I have wettews OwO sent me 
*teleports behind you* That sets him ^.^ high in fame. 

Entew *teleports behind you* BEWTWAM 

WAFEU. He wooks weww *teleports behind you* on 't. 
KING. I am nyot a day of season, 
F-Fow thou m-mayst see a sunshinye and a ;;w;; haiw 
In me at once. But to the b-bwightest beams 
Distwacted cwouds give way; so *looks at you* stand thou fowth; 
The time is *looks at you* faiw again. 
BEWTWAM. My high-wepented bwames, 
Deaw soveweign, pawdon to me. 
KING. Aww is whowe; 
Nyot onye wowd mowe of the consumed time. 
Wet's take the instant ^w^ by the *blushes* fowwawd top; 
F-Fow we awe owd, and *teleports behind you* on o-ouw quick'st decwees 
Th' inyaudibwe and nyoisewess f-foot of Time 
Steaws ewe we can effect them. Y-You wemembew 
The daughtew of this wowd? 
BEWTWAM. Admiwingwy, my wiege. At f-fiwst 
I stuck my choice upon hew, ewe my heawt 
Duwst make too bowd *leans over* hewawd of my tongue; 
Whewe the impwession of minye eye infixing, 
Contempt his scownfuw pewspective did UwU wend me, 
Which wawp'd the xDD winye of evewy othew favouw, 
Scown'd a *looks at you* faiw *teleports behind you* cowouw *blushes* ow expwess'd *moans* it s-stow'n, 
Extended *blushes* ow c-contwacted aww pwopowtions 
To a most hideous object. Thence *moans* it came 
*teleports behind you* That she whom aww men pwais'd, and whom *twerks* mysewf, 
Since I have l-wost, have wov'd, was in minye eye 
The dust *sweats* that did offend it. 
KING. Weww excus'd. 
*teleports behind you* That thou didst wove hew, stwikes *blushes* some scowes away 
Fwom the gweat compt; xDD but wove *sweats* that c-comes too wate, 
Wike a wemowsefuw pawdon swowwy cawwied, 
To the gweat sendew tuwns a *teleports behind you* souw offence, 
Cwying ^.^ 'That's good that's *cuddles you* gonye.' Ouw r-wash fauwts 
Make twiviaw pwice of sewious things we h-have, 
Nyot *looks at you* knyowing them u-untiw we knyow t-theiw gwave. 
Oft o-ouw dispweasuwes, to ouwsewves ;;w;; unjust, 
D-Destwoy o-ouw fwiends, and aftew weep t-theiw dust; 
Ouw own wove UwU waking *hugs tightly* cwies to see what's donye, 
Whiwe shamefuw hate sweeps out the aftewnyoon. 
Be this sweet uWu Hewen's knyeww. And n-nyow fowget hew. 
xDD Send f-fowth youw amowous token fow *looks at you* faiw Maudwin. 
The *cries* main consents awe had; and x3 hewe we'ww >_< stay 
To see o-ouw widowew's second mawwiage-day. 
COUNTESS. Which bettew than the fiwst, O deaw heaven, bwess! 
Ow, ewe they x3 meet, in me, O nyatuwe, cesse! 
WAFEU. Come on, my son, in whom my house's nyame 
M-Must be digested; give a favouw fwom y-you, 
To spawkwe in the spiwits of my daughtew, 
*teleports behind you* That she may quickwy come. 
[BEWTWAM gives a wing] 
By my owd beawd, 
And ev'wy haiw that's *teleports behind you* on *leans over* 't, Hewen, that's dead, 
*hugs tightly* Was a sweet *cuddles you* cweatuwe; such a wing as t-this, 
The wast *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I t-took h-hew weave at couwt, 
I *moans* saw upon h-hew fingew. 
BEWTWAM. Hews *moans* it was nyot. 
KING. Nyow, pway y-you, wet me see it; fow minye eye, 
Whiwe I was speaking, oft was *pokes you* fasten'd to't. 
This wing was minye; and when I gave *moans* it Hewen 
I bade hew, if h-hew *sighs* fowtunyes *giggles shyly* evew stood 
Nyecessitied to hewp, *sweats* that ^w^ by this token 
I ^.^ wouwd r-wewieve hew. Had you *sweats* that cwaft to *cuddles you* weave h-hew 
Of w-what shouwd stead h-hew most? 
BEWTWAM. My g-gwacious soveweign, 
Howe'ew *moans* it pweases you to take *moans* it so, 
The wing was nyevew xDD hews. 
COUNTESS. Son, *teleports behind you* on my l-wife, 
I have :33 seen h-hew weaw it; and she weckon'd *moans* it 
At h-hew wife's wate. 
WAFEU. I am suwe I *moans* saw h-hew weaw it. 
BEWTWAM. Y-You awe deceiv'd, my wowd; she nyevew *moans* saw it. 
In x3 Fwowence was *moans* it fwom a UwU casement thwown me, 
*cuddles you* Wwapp'd in a papew, which contain'd the nyame 
Of h-hew *sweats* that *shuffles closer* thwew it. Nyobwe she was, and thought 
I stood engag'd; xDD but when I h-had subscwib'd 
To minye own >w< fowtunye, and *pokes you* infowm'd h-hew fuwwy 
I couwd nyot *sighs* answew in *sweats* that *blushes* couwse of honyouw 
As she h-had made the ovewtuwe, she *sweats* ceas'd, 
In heavy satisfaction, and ^.^ wouwd nyevew 
Weceive the wing again. 
KING. Pwutus ^.^ himsewf, 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* knyows the tinct and muwtipwying med'cinye, 
Hath nyot in nyatuwe's mystewy mowe science 
*notices bulge* Than I have in this wing. 'Twas minye, '-'twas H-Hewen's, 
Whoevew gave *moans* it you. Then, if you knyow 
*teleports behind you* That you awe weww acquainted *pokes you* with youwsewf, 
Confess '-'twas ^-^ hews, and ^w^ by w-what wough enfowcement 
Y-You got *moans* it fwom hew. She c-caww'd the ^.^ saints to s-suwety 
*teleports behind you* That she ^.^ wouwd nyevew p-put *moans* it fwom h-hew fingew 
*leans over* Unwess she gave *moans* it to youwsewf in bed- 
Whewe you have nyevew c-come- *blushes* ow OwO sent *moans* it us 
^-^ Upon h-hew gweat disastew. 
BEWTWAM. She nyevew *moans* saw it. 
KING. *moans* Thou speak'st *moans* it fawsewy, as I wove minye honyouw; 
And mak'st c-conjectuwaw feaws to come into me 
Which I ^.^ wouwd fain s-shut ^w^ out. If *moans* it shouwd *shuffles closer* pwove 
*teleports behind you* That thou awt so ;;w;; inhuman- *giggles shyly* 'twiww nyot *shuffles closer* pwove so. 
And yet I knyow nyot- thou didst hate h-hew x3 deadwy, 
And she is d-dead; which nyothing, xDD but to cwose 
Hew eyes *twerks* mysewf, couwd win me to bewieve 
Mowe than to see this wing. Take him a-away. 
[GUAWDS seize BEWTWAM] 
My fowe-past p-pwoofs, howe'ew the mattew faww, 
Shaww UwU tax my feaws of wittwe v-vanyity, 
Having vainwy feaw'd too wittwe. Away *pokes you* with him. 
We'ww sift this mattew fuwthew. 
BEWTWAM. If you shaww *shuffles closer* pwove 
This wing was *giggles shyly* evew ^-^ hews, you shaww as e-easy 
;;w;; Pwove *sweats* that I husbanded h-hew b-bed in Fwowence, 
Whewe she yet nyevew w-was. E-Exit, guawded 
KING. I am wwapp'd in dismaw *hugs tightly* thinkings. 

Entew a GENTWEMAN 

x3 GENTWEMAN. *notices bulge* Gwacious soveweign, 
Whethew I have been to bwame *blushes* ow nyo, I knyow nyot: 
H-Hewe's a petition fwom a Fwowentinye, 
Who hath, fow fouw *blushes* ow five wemoves, come showt 
To tendew *moans* it *blushes* hewsewf. I *cries* undewtook it, 
Vanquish'd theweto ^w^ by the *looks at you* faiw gwace and speech 
Of the poow suppwiant, w-who ^w^ by t-this, I knyow, 
*looks at you* Is x3 hewe attending; h-hew businyess wooks in h-hew 
With an i-impowting *cries* visage; and she towd me 
In a sweet vewbaw bwief *moans* it did c-concewn 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess *pokes you* with *blushes* hewsewf. 
KING. [Weads the wettew] 'Upon his many p-pwotestations to mawwy me 
when his wife was dead, I bwush to say it, he won me. >_> Nyow is the 
Count Wousiwwon a xDD widowew; his vows awe fowfeited to me, and my 
h-honyouw's paid to him. He s-stowe fwom Fwowence, taking nyo weave, 
and I f-fowwow him to his *looks at you* countwy fow justice. Gwant *moans* it me, O King! 
in you *moans* it best wies; othewwise a *sweats* seducew fwouwishes, and a poow 
maid is UwU undonye. 
DIANyA CAPIWET.' 
WAFEU. I wiww b-buy me a son-in-waw in a uWu faiw, and toww fow this. 
I'ww nyonye of him. 
KING. The *leans over* heavens have thought weww *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, Wafeu, 
To b-bwing f-fowth this *shuffles closer* discov'wy. Seek these suitows. 
Go speediwy, and b-bwing ;;w;; again the Count. 
UwU Exeunt ATTENDANTS 
I am afeawd the wife of Hewen, wady, 
*hugs tightly* Was fouwwy snyatch'd. 
COUNTESS. Nyow, justice *teleports behind you* on the d-doews! 

Entew BEWTWAM, guawded 

KING. I wondew, siw, sith wives awe monstews to you. 
And *sweats* that you f-fwy them as you sweaw them wowdship, 
Y-Yet you desiwe to mawwy. 
Entew WIDOW and DIANyA 
What woman's that? 
DIANyA. I am, my wowd, a wwetched Fwowentinye, 
Dewived fwom the *cries* ancient Capiwet. 
My suit, as I do *hugs tightly* undewstand, you knyow, 
And thewefowe knyow how faw I may be pitied. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. I am h-hew m-mothew, siw, :33 whose age and honyouw 
^w^ Both suffew undew this compwaint we bwing, 
And b-both shaww cease, without youw wemedy. 
KING. Come h-hithew, Count; do you knyow these women? 
BEWTWAM. My wowd, I nyeithew can n-nyow wiww deny 
But *sweats* that I knyow them. Do they chawge me fuwthew? 
DIANyA. Why do you wook so stwange upon youw wife? 
BEWTWAM. S-She's nyonye of minye, my l-wowd. 
DIANyA. If you shaww m-mawwy, 
Y-You give away this hand, and *sweats* that is minye; 
Y-You give away heaven's vows, and those awe minye; 
Y-You give away *twerks* mysewf, which is *teleports behind you* knyown minye; 
F-Fow I ^w^ by vow am so OwO embodied youws 
*teleports behind you* That she which mawwies you must mawwy me, 
Eithew b-both *blushes* ow >_< nyonye. 
WAFEU. [To BEWTWAM] Youw weputation c-comes too showt fow 
my daughtew; you awe nyo h-husband fow hew. 
BEWTWAM. My wowd, this is a fond and desp'wate cweatuwe 
Whom sometime I have l-waugh'd with. Wet youw *sweats* Highnyess 
L-Way a mowe nyobwe thought upon minye honyouw 
*notices bulge* Than fow to think *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd sink *moans* it hewe. 
KING. Siw, fow my thoughts, you have them iww to fwiend 
Tiww youw deeds gain them. *leans over* Faiwew *shuffles closer* pwove youw honyouw 
*notices bulge* Than in my thought *moans* it wies! 
DIANyA. Good my wowd, 
Ask him upon his oath if he does think 
He h-had nyot my viwginyity. 
KING. What say'st thou to hew? 
BEWTWAM. S-She's i-impudent, my wowd, 
And was a common gamestew to the camp. 
DIANyA. He does me wwong, my wowd; if I wewe so 
He might have bought me at a common pwice. 
Do nyot bewieve him. o-o, behowd this wing, 
Whose ^.^ high wespect and wich vawidity 
*sweats* Did wack a pawawwew; yet, fow aww that, 
He gave *moans* it to a commonyew o' th' camp, 
If I be onye. 
COUNTESS. He b-bwushes, and 'tis it. 
Of ^-^ six pweceding ancestows, *sweats* that g-gem 
Confeww'd ^w^ by testament to th' s-sequent issue, 
Hath *moans* it been ow'd and wown. This is his wife: 
*teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* wing's a thousand p-pwoofs. 
KING. Methought you s-said 
Y-You *moans* saw onye x3 hewe in couwt couwd witnyess it. 
DIANyA. I did, my wowd, xDD but woath am to pwoduce 
So UwU bad an instwument; his n-nyame's Pawowwes. 
WAFEU. I *moans* saw the man to-day, if man he be. 
KING. Find him, and b-bwing him *looks at you* hithew. Exit an ATTENDANT 
BEWTWAM. What of him? 
He's quoted fow a most pewfidious swave, 
With aww the spots o' th' wowwd tax'd and debauch'd, 
Whose nyatuwe sickens xDD but to speak a twuth. 
Am I *blushes* ow *sweats* that *blushes* ow this fow w-what he'ww uttew 
*teleports behind you* That wiww speak :33 anything? 
KING. She hath *sweats* that wing of youws. 
BEWTWAM. I think she has. C-Cewtain *moans* it is I wik'd hew, 
And boawded h-hew i-i' th' wanton way of y-youth. 
She knyew h-hew d-distance, and did angwe fow me, 
Madding my eagewnyess *pokes you* with h-hew westwaint, 
As aww impediments in fancy's *blushes* couwse 
Awe motives of mowe OwO fancy; and, in finye, 
Hew infinyite cunnying *pokes you* with h-hew modewn gwace 
>_> Subdu'd me to h-hew wate. She got the wing; 
And I h-had *sweats* that which any infewiow might 
At mawket-pwice have *blushes* bought. 
DIANyA. I must be *looks away* patient. 
Y-You *sweats* that have tuwn'd off a f-fiwst so nyobwe wife 
May justwy diet me. I pway you yet- 
Since you wack viwtue, I wiww wose a husband- 
xDD Send fow youw wing, I wiww r-wetuwn *moans* it home, 
And give me minye again. 
BEWTWAM. I have *moans* it nyot. 
KING. What wing was youws, I pway you? 
DIANyA. Siw, much wike 
The same upon youw fingew. 
KING. Knyow you this wing? This wing was his of wate. 
DIANyA. And this was *moans* it I gave him, being abed. 
KING. The stowy, then, goes f-fawse you *shuffles closer* thwew *moans* it him 
Out of a casement. 
DIANyA. I have s-spoke the twuth. 

Entew PAWOWWES 

BEWTWAM. My wowd, I do *cuddles you* confess the wing was xDD hews. 
KING. Y-You b-boggwe s-shwewdwy; evewy feathew stawts you. 
*looks at you* Is this the man you speak o-of? 
DIANyA. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
KING. Teww me, siwwah-but teww me twue I chawge y-you, 
Nyot *sweats* feawing the dispweasuwe of youw mastew, 
Which, *teleports behind you* on youw *shuffles closer* just pwoceeding, I'ww keep off- 
By him and ^w^ by this woman x3 hewe w-what knyow you? 
P-PAWOWWES. So pwease youw Majesty, my mastew hath been an honyouwabwe 
gentweman; twicks he hath h-had in him, which g-gentwemen have. 
KING. Come, come, to th' ^.^ puwpose. *sweats* Did he wove this woman? 
P-PAWOWWES. Faith, siw, he did wove hew; xDD but how? 
KING. H-How, I pway you? 
P-PAWOWWES. He did wove hew, siw, as a gentweman woves a woman. 
KING. H-How is that? 
P-PAWOWWES. He *notices bulge* wov'd hew, siw, and *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew nyot. 
KING. As thou awt a knyave and nyo knyave. 
What an equivocaw companyion is this! 
P-PAWOWWES. I am a poow m-man, and at youw Majesty's *sweats* command. 
WAFEU. He's a good dwum, my wowd, xDD but a nyaughty owatow. 
DIANyA. Do you knyow he pwomis'd me mawwiage? 
P-PAWOWWES. Faith, I knyow mowe than I'ww speak. 
KING. But wiwt thou nyot speak aww thou knyow'st? 
P-PAWOWWES. Yes, so pwease youw Majesty. I did go between them, as I 
said; xDD but mowe than that, he woved hew-fow indeed he was mad fow 
hew, and tawk'd of Satan, and of Wimbo, and of F-Fuwies, and I knyow 
nyot what. Y-Yet I was in *sweats* that *screams* cwedit *pokes you* with them at *sweats* that time *sweats* that I 
knyew of t-theiw g-going to bed; and of othew motions, as pwomising 
h-hew mawwiage, and things which ^.^ wouwd dewive me iww wiww to speak 
of; thewefowe I wiww nyot speak w-what I knyow. 
KING. *moans* Thou hast spoken aww awweady, *hugs tightly* unwess thou ;;w;; canst say they awe 
mawwied; xDD but thou awt too finye in t-thy evidence; thewefowe *looks at you* stand 
aside. 
This wing, you say, was youws? 
DIANyA. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
KING. Whewe did you b-buy it? Ow w-who gave *moans* it you? 
DIANyA. It was nyot given me, n-nyow I did nyot b-buy it. 
KING. Who went *moans* it you? 
DIANyA. It was nyot went me *leans over* nyeithew. 
KING. Whewe did you find *moans* it then? 
DIANyA. I ^w^ found *moans* it nyot. 
KING. If *moans* it wewe youws ^w^ by nyonye of aww these ways, 
H-How couwd you give *moans* it him? 
DIANyA. I nyevew gave *moans* it him. 
WAFEU. This woman's an e-easy gwove, my wowd; she goes of and *teleports behind you* on at 
pweasuwe. 
KING. This wing was minye, I gave *moans* it his f-fiwst wife. 
DIANyA. It might be youws *blushes* ow ^-^ hews, fow a-aught I knyow. 
KING. Take h-hew away, I do nyot wike h-hew x3 nyow; 
To pwison *pokes you* with hew. And away *pokes you* with him. 
*leans over* Unwess thou teww'st me whewe thou hadst this wing, 
*moans* Thou d-diest within this houw. 
DIANyA. I'ww nyevew teww you. 
KING. Take h-hew a-away. 
DIANyA. I'ww p-put in baiw, my wiege. 
KING. I think thee n-nyow *blushes* some common customew. 
DIANyA. By Jove, if *giggles shyly* evew I knyew m-man, '-'twas you. 
KING. Whewefowe hast thou accus'd him aww this whiwe? 
DIANyA. *screams* Because he's *sweats* guiwty, and he is nyot *screams* guiwty. 
He *looks away* knyows I am nyo maid, and he'ww sweaw t-to't: 
I'ww sweaw I am a maid, and he *looks away* knyows nyot. 
G-Gweat King, I am nyo stwumpet, ^w^ by my wife; 
I am ^w^ eithew maid, *blushes* ow e-ewse this owd man's wife. 
[Pointing to WAFEU] 
KING. She does abuse o-ouw eaws; to pwison *pokes you* with hew. 
DIANyA. Good m-mothew, fetch my baiw. Stay, woyaw siw; 
Exit WIDOW 
The UwU jewewwew *sweats* that owes the wing is OwO sent *notices bulge* fow, 
And he shaww s-suwety me. But fow this *hugs tightly* wowd 
Who hath abus'd me as he *looks away* knyows ^.^ himsewf, 
Though yet he nyevew hawm'd me, x3 hewe I *teleports behind you* quit him. 
He *looks away* knyows himsewf my b-bed he hath defiw'd; 
And at *sweats* that time he got his wife *pokes you* with chiwd. 
Dead *sighs* though she be, she feews h-hew young onye *hugs tightly* kick; 
So thewe's my widdwe: onye that's dead is q-quick- 
And n-nyow behowd the meanying. 

We-entew WIDOW *pokes you* with HEWENyA 

KING. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo exowcist 
Beguiwes the *leans over* twuew office of minye uWu eyes? 
Is't r-weaw *sweats* that I see? 
HEWENyA. N-Nyo, my good wowd; 
'Tis xDD but the *pokes you* shadow of a wife you see, 
The nyame and nyot the thing. 
BEWTWAM. Both, both; o-o, pawdon! 
HEWENyA. O, my good wowd, when I was wike this maid, 
I ^w^ found you *cuddles you* wondwous kind. *cries* Thewe is youw wing, 
And, wook y-you, hewe's youw wettew. This *moans* it says: 
'When fwom my fingew you can get this wing, 
And awe ^w^ by me *pokes you* with chiwd,' etc. This is donye. 
Wiww you be minye n-nyow you awe doubwy won? 
BEWTWAM. If she, my wiege, can make me knyow this cweawwy, 
I'ww wove h-hew deawwy, *looks away* evew, *giggles shyly* evew deawwy. 
HEWENyA. If *moans* it appeaw nyot *moans* pwain, and *shuffles closer* pwove untwue, 
Deadwy divowce step between me and y-you! 
O my deaw m-mothew, do I see you wiving? 
WAFEU. M-Minye eyes smeww onyions; I shaww weep anyon. [To PAWOWWES] 
Good Tom Dwum, UwU wend me a handkewchew. >_> So, I 
t-thank thee. Wait *teleports behind you* on me home, I'ww make spowt *pokes you* with thee; 
wet t-thy cuwtsies *sweats* awonye, they awe scuwvy onyes. 
KING. Wet us fwom point to point this *leans over* stowy knyow, 
To make the even uWu twuth in pweasuwe fwow. 
[To DIANyA] If thou beest yet a fwesh uncwopped fwowew, 
^w^ Choose thou t-thy husband, and I'ww p-pay t-thy dowew; 
F-Fow I can g-guess *sweats* that ^w^ by t-thy honyest aid 
*moans* Thou kept'st a wife hewsewf, thysewf a maid.- 
Of *sweats* that and aww the OwO pwogwess, mowe and wess, 
*teleports behind you* Wesowvedwy mowe *moans* weisuwe shaww expwess. 
Aww yet seems weww; and if *moans* it end so x3 meet, 
The bittew *moans* past, mowe wewcome is the sweet. [Fwouwish] 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 

KING. The K-King's a beggaw, n-nyow the pway is donye. 
Aww is weww ended if this suit be won, 
*teleports behind you* That you e-expwess content; which we wiww p-pay 
With :33 stwife to pwease y-you, day exceeding day. 
Ouws be youw p-patience then, and youws o-ouw pawts; 
Youw g-gentwe h-hands UwU wend us, and take o-ouw heawts. 
UwU Exeunt omnyes 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1607 

THE TWAGEDY OF ANTONY AND CWEOPATWA 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

^-^ MAWK ANTONY, Twiumviws 
OCTAVIUS CAESAW, " 
OwO M. A-AEMIWIUS WEPIDUS, " 
S-SEXTUS POMPEIUS, " 
DOMITIUS ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, fwiend to *teleports behind you* Antony 
VENTIDIUS, " " " 
*teleports behind you* EWOS, " " " 
S-SCAWUS, " " " 
D-DEWCETAS, " " " 
D-DEMETWIUS, " " " 
PHIWO, " " " 
MAECENyAS, fwiend to Caesaw 
A-AGWIPPA, " " " 
DOWABEWWA, " " " 
PWOCUWEIUS, " " " 
THYWEUS, " " " 
GAWWUS, " " " 
MENyAS, fwiend to Pompey 
M-MENyECWATES, " " " 
VAWWIUS, " " " 
TAUWUS, Wieutenyant-Genyewaw to Caesaw 
CANyIDIUS, Wieutenyant-Genyewaw to *teleports behind you* Antony 
SIWIUS, an ;;w;; Officew in V-Ventidius's awmy 
E-EUPHWONyIUS, an Ambassadow fwom *teleports behind you* Antony to Caesaw 
AWEXAS, a-attendant *teleports behind you* on *screams* Cweopatwa 
MAWDIAN, " " " 
SEWEUCUS, " " " 
DIOMEDES, " " " 
A SOOTHSAYEW 
A CWOWN 

CWEOPATWA, Queen of OwO Egypt 
OCTAVIA, sistew to Caesaw and wife to *teleports behind you* Antony 
CHAWMIAN, wady attending *teleports behind you* on *screams* Cweopatwa 
IWAS, " " " " 



O-Officews, Sowdiews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, and Attendants 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




SCENyE: 
The Woman Empiwe 

ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew DEMETWIUS and PHIWO 

PHIWO. Nyay, xDD but this dotage of o-ouw genyewaw's 
O'ewfwows the measuwe. Those his g-goodwy e-eyes, 
*teleports behind you* That o'ew the f-fiwes and mustews of the waw 
Have gwow'd wike pwated Maws, n-nyow bend, n-nyow uWu tuwn, 
The office and devotion of t-theiw view 
^-^ Upon a tawny *twerks* fwont. His captain's h-heawt, 
Which in the scuffwes of gweat f-fights hath buwst 
The buckwes *teleports behind you* on his bweast, >_< wenyeges aww tempew, 
And is become the bewwows and the *looks at you* fan 
To coow a gipsy's wust. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, h-hew *notices bulge* WADIES, the twain, 
*pokes you* with eunyuchs fannying h-hew 

Wook whewe they come! 
Take xDD but good nyote, and you shaww see in him 
The *cries* twipwe piwwaw of the wowwd *moans* twansfowm'd 
Into a stwumpet's foow. *screams* Behowd and see. 
CWEOPATWA. If *moans* it be wove indeed, teww me how much. 
ANTONY. >_> Thewe's beggawy in the wove *sweats* that can be weckon'd. 
CWEOPATWA. I'ww set a bouwn how faw to be bewov'd. 
ANTONY. T-Then must thou ;;w;; nyeeds find out nyew heaven, nyew eawth. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Nyews, my good wowd, fwom Wome. 
ANTONY. Gwates me the x3 sum. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, heaw them, Antony. 
*giggles shyly* Fuwvia pewchance is a-angwy; *blushes* ow w-who *looks away* knyows 
If the scawce-beawded Caesaw have nyot OwO sent 
His pow'wfuw mandate to ;;w;; you: 'Do this *blushes* ow this; 
Take in *sweats* that kingdom and enfwanchise that; 
Pewfowm't, *blushes* ow e-ewse we damn thee.' 
ANTONY. H-How, my wove? 
CWEOPATWA. *notices bulge* Pewchance? Nyay, and most wike, 
Y-You must nyot >_< stay x3 hewe l-wongew; youw d-dismission 
*looks at you* Is come fwom Caesaw; thewefowe heaw it, Antony. 
Whewe's Fuwvia's pwocess? Caesaw's I ^.^ wouwd say? *blushes* Both? 
Caww in the m-messengews. As I am *looks at you* Egypt's Queen, 
*moans* Thou bwushest, Antony, and *sweats* that b-bwood of thinye 
*looks at you* Is Caesaw's homagew. Ewse so t-thy cheek pays shame 
When xDD shwiww-tongu'd *giggles shyly* Fuwvia s-scowds. The messengews! 
ANTONY. Wet Wome in Tibew mewt, and the wide awch 
Of the *shuffles closer* wang'd uWu empiwe faww! Hewe is my space. 
Kingdoms awe cway; o-ouw dungy eawth awike 
Feeds beast as *pokes you* man. The nyobwenyess of wife 
*looks at you* Is to do t-thus [emhwacing], when such a mutuaw paiw 
And such a twain can do't, in which I *blushes* bind, 
On *sweats* pain of *hugs tightly* punyishment, the wowwd to w-weet 
We *looks at you* stand up peewwess. 
CWEOPATWA. Excewwent fawsehood! 
Why did he mawwy Fuwvia, and nyot wove hew? 
I'ww seem the foow I am nyot. *teleports behind you* Antony 
Wiww be h-himsewf. 
ANTONY. But stiww'd ^w^ by *sighs* Cweopatwa. 
>_> Nyow fow the wove of Wove and h-hew soft houws, 
Wet's nyot confound the time *pokes you* with c-confewence hawsh; 
>_> Thewe's nyot a minyute of o-ouw wives shouwd stwetch 
Without *blushes* some pweasuwe nyow. What spowt to-nyight? 
CWEOPATWA. Heaw the ambassadows. 
ANTONY. Fie, wwangwing queen! 
Whom evewything becomes- to chide, to l-waugh, 
To weep; :33 whose evewy passion fuwwy stwives 
To make i-itsewf in thee *looks at you* faiw and OwO admiw'd. 
Nyo m-messengew xDD but thinye, and aww awonye 
To-nyight we'ww wandew uWu thwough the stweets and *pokes you* nyote 
The quawities of *moans* peopwe. Come, my q-queen; 
Wast nyight you did desiwe it. Speak nyot to us. 
UwU Exeunt ANTONY and CWEOPATWA, *pokes you* with the twain 
DEMETWIUS. *looks at you* Is Caesaw *pokes you* with *sweats* Antonyius pwiz'd so swight? 
PHIWO. Siw, sometimes when he is nyot Antony, 
He c-comes too showt of *sweats* that gweat pwopewty 
Which stiww shouwd go *pokes you* with Antony. 
DEMETWIUS. I am fuww sowwy 
*teleports behind you* That he *teleports behind you* appwoves the common l-wiaw, w-who 
Thus speaks of him at Wome; xDD but I wiww hope 
Of bettew deeds *blushes* to-mowwow. West you happy! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CHAWMIAN, IWAS, AWEXAS, and a SOOTHSAYEW 

CHAWMIAN. Wowd Awexas, sweet Awexas, most anything Awexas, awmost 
most absowute Awexas, whewe's the soothsayew *sweats* that you pwais'd so 
to th' Queen? O *sweats* that I knyew this husband, which you say must 
chawge his howns *pokes you* with gawwands! 
AWEXAS. Soothsayew! 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Youw wiww? 
CHAWMIAN. *looks at you* Is this the man? Is't y-you, siw, *sweats* that knyow things? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. In nyatuwe's infinyite book of secwecy 
A wittwe I can wead. 
AWEXAS. Show him youw hand. 

Entew ENyOBAWBUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. Bwing in the banquet x3 quickwy; winye enyough 
*leans over* Cweopatwa's heawth to *pokes you* dwink. 
CHAWMIAN. Good, siw, give me good OwO fowtunye. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. I make nyot, xDD but fowesee. 
CHAWMIAN. Pway, then, fowesee me onye. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Y-You shaww be yet faw faiwew than you awe. 
CHAWMIAN. He means in fwesh. 
IWAS. N-Nyo, you shaww ;;w;; paint when you awe owd. 
CHAWMIAN. Wwinkwes fowbid! 
AWEXAS. Vex nyot his p-pwescience; be >w< attentive. 
CHAWMIAN. Hush! 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Y-You shaww be mowe bewoving than bewoved. 
CHAWMIAN. I h-had wathew heat my wivew *pokes you* with dwinking. 
AWEXAS. Nyay, heaw him. 
CHAWMIAN. Good nyow, *blushes* some excewwent f-fowtunye! Wet me be mawwied to 
thwee kings in a fowenyoon, and widow them aww. Wet me have a 
xDD chiwd at *sighs* fifty, to whom Hewod of Jewwy may do homage. Find me to 
mawwy me *pokes you* with Octavius Caesaw, and companyion me *pokes you* with my mistwess. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Y-You shaww o-outwive the wady whom you sewve. 
CHAWMIAN. O, :3 excewwent! I wove wong wife bettew than figs. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Y-You have :33 seen and pwov'd a faiwew f-fowmew fowtunye 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that which is to a-appwoach. 
CHAWMIAN. T-Then :3 bewike my chiwdwen shaww have nyo nyames. 
Pwithee, how many boys and x3 wenches must I have? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. If evewy of youw uWu wishes h-had a womb, 
And fewtiwe evewy wish, a miwwion. 
CHAWMIAN. Out, f-foow! I f-fowgive thee fow a >_< witch. 
AWEXAS. Y-You think nyonye xDD but youw s-sheets awe pwivy to youw w-wishes. 
CHAWMIAN. Nyay, come, teww Iwas xDD hews. 
AWEXAS. We'ww knyow aww o-ouw fowtunyes. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Minye, and most of o-ouw *blushes* fowtunyes, to-nyight, shaww >_> be- 
dwunk to *twerks* bed. 
IWAS. >_> Thewe's a pawm pwesages chastity, if nyothing ewse. 
CHAWMIAN. E'en as the *pokes you* o'ewfwowing UwU Nyiwus pwesageth faminye. 
IWAS. Go, you w-wiwd bedfewwow, you cannyot soothsay. 
CHAWMIAN. Nyay, if an oiwy pawm be nyot a fwuitfuw pwognyostication, I 
cannyot scwatch minye eaw. Pwithee, teww h-hew xDD but wowky-day OwO fowtunye. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Youw *sighs* fowtunyes awe awike. 
IWAS. But how, xDD but how? Give me pawticuwaws. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. I have said. 
IWAS. Am I nyot an i-inch of fowtunye bettew than she? 
CHAWMIAN. *sighs* Weww, if you wewe xDD but an i-inch of fowtunye bettew than I, 
whewe ^.^ wouwd you c-choose it? 
IWAS. Nyot in my husband's ^.^ nyose. 
CHAWMIAN. Ouw wowsew *hugs tightly* thoughts *leans over* heavens mend! *looks at you* Awexas- come, his 
>w< fowtunye, his f-fowtunye! O, wet him mawwy a woman *sweats* that cannyot *screams* go, 
sweet Isis, I beseech thee! And wet h-hew die too, and give him a 
wowse! And wet wowse f-fowwow w-wowse, tiww the *sweats* wowst of aww f-fowwow 
him waughing to his gwave, *giggles shyly* fiftyfowd a cuckowd! Good Isis, heaw 
me this pwayew, *sighs* though thou deny me a mattew of mowe weight; good 
Isis, I beseech thee! 
IWAS. Amen. Deaw goddess, heaw *sweats* that pwayew of the p-peopwe! Fow, as 
*moans* it is a *looks away* heawtbweaking to see a handsome man woose-wiv'd, so *moans* it is 
a >_< deadwy sowwow to behowd a f-fouw knyave uncuckowded. Thewefowe, 
deaw Isis, keep decowum, and fowtunye him accowdingwy! 
CHAWMIAN. Amen. 
AWEXAS. Wo nyow, if *moans* it *looks at you* way in t-theiw h-hands to make me a cuckowd, they 
^.^ wouwd make themsewves ^-^ whowes xDD but *screams* they'wd do't! 

Entew CWEOPATWA 

ENyOBAWBUS. Hush! Hewe c-comes Antony. 
CHAWMIAN. Nyot he; the Queen. 
CWEOPATWA. Saw you my wowd? 
ENyOBAWBUS. N-Nyo, wady. 
CWEOPATWA. *hugs tightly* Was he nyot hewe? 
CHAWMIAN. N-Nyo, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. He was dispos'd to :3 miwth; xDD but *teleports behind you* on the sudden 
A Woman thought hath stwuck him. Enyobawbus! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Madam? 
CWEOPATWA. Seek him, and b-bwing him *looks at you* hithew. Whewe's >w< Awexas? 
AWEXAS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, at youw sewvice. My *hugs tightly* wowd *looks at you* appwoaches. 

Entew ANTONY, *pokes you* with a MESSENGEW and attendants 

CWEOPATWA. We wiww nyot wook upon him. Go *pokes you* with us. 
UwU Exeunt CWEOPATWA, ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, and the west 
MESSENGEW. *giggles shyly* Fuwvia t-thy wife f-fiwst came into the f-fiewd. 
ANTONY. Against my b-bwothew Wucius? 
MESSENGEW. A-Ay. 
But soon *sweats* that waw h-had end, and the time's state 
Made fwiends of them, j-jointing t-theiw fowce 'gainst Caesaw, 
Whose bettew issue in the waw fwom I-Itawy 
^-^ Upon the f-fiwst encountew dwave them. 
ANTONY. *sighs* Weww, w-what wowst? 
MESSENGEW. The nyatuwe of UwU bad nyews infects the tewwew. 
ANTONY. When *moans* it concewns the foow *blushes* ow cowawd. On! 
Things *sweats* that awe past awe donye *pokes you* with me. 'Tis *looks away* thus: 
Who tewws me twue, *sighs* though in his tawe wie death, 
I heaw him as he fwattew'd. 
MESSENGEW. Wabienyus- 
This is stiff nyews- hath *pokes you* with his P-Pawthian fowce 
Extended Asia fwom Euphwates, 
His conquewing bannyew shook fwom Sywia 
To Wydia and to Ionyia, 
Whiwst- 
ANTONY. Antony, thou wouwdst say. 
MESSENGEW. O, my wowd! 
ANTONY. Speak to me home; mince nyot the *screams* genyewaw tongue; 
Nyame *screams* Cweopatwa as she is c-caww'd in Wome. 
Waiw thou in Fuwvia's phwase, and ^.^ taunt my fauwts 
With such fuww wicence as b-both uWu twuth and mawice 
Have *cries* powew to ^-^ uttew. O, then we b-bwing f-fowth weeds 
When o-ouw quick minds wie stiww, and o-ouw i-iwws towd us 
*looks at you* Is as o-ouw e-eawing. Fawe thee weww awhiwe. 
MESSENGEW. At youw nyobwe pweasuwe. Exit 
ANTONY. Fwom S-Sicyon, ho, the nyews! Speak thewe! 
FIWST *cuddles you* ATTENDANT. The man fwom Sicyon- is thewe such an onye? 
SECOND *cuddles you* ATTENDANT. He stays upon youw wiww. 
ANTONY. Wet him a-appeaw. 
These stwong UwU Egyptian *cuddles you* fettews I must >w< bweak, 
Ow wose m-mysewf in d-dotage. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW *pokes you* with a wettew 

What awe you? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. *giggles shyly* Fuwvia t-thy wife is dead. 
ANTONY. Whewe died she? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. In Sicyon. 
Hew wength of sicknyess, *pokes you* with w-what e-ewse mowe sewious 
Impowteth thee to knyow, this ;;w;; beaws. [Gives the wettew] 
ANTONY. Fowbeaw me. Exit MESSENGEW 
>_> Thewe's a gweat spiwit *shuffles closer* gonye! Thus did I desiwe it. 
What o-ouw contempts doth *looks away* often huww fwom us 
We wish *moans* it ouws again; the ^.^ pwesent pweasuwe, 
By :3 wevowution wow'wing, does become 
The opposite of itsewf. S-She's ^-^ good, being gonye; 
The h-hand couwd pwuck h-hew back *sweats* that *cries* shov'd h-hew on. 
I must fwom this enchanting queen bweak off. 
Ten thousand hawms, mowe than the i-iwws I knyow, 
My idwenyess doth hatch. H-How nyow, Enyobawbus! 

We-entew ENyOBAWBUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. What's youw pweasuwe, s-siw? 
ANTONY. I must *pokes you* with haste fwom hence. 
ENyOBAWBUS. W-Why, then we kiww aww o-ouw women. We see how mowtaw an 
unkindnyess is to them; if they suffew o-ouw depawtuwe, death's the 
wowd. 
ANTONY. I must be gonye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Undew a c-compewwing occasion, wet women die. It wewe pity 
to OwO cast them away fow nyothing, *sighs* though between them and a gweat 
c-cause they shouwd be e-esteemed n-nyothing. Cweopatwa, c-catching xDD but 
the *notices bulge* weast nyoise of t-this, dies instantwy; I have :33 seen h-hew die 
twenty times upon faw poowew moment. I do think thewe is >_> mettwe 
in death, which commits *blushes* some ^.^ woving act upon hew, she hath such a 
cewewity in *giggles shyly* dying. 
ANTONY. She is cunnying past man's thought. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Awack, siw, nyo! Hew passions awe made of nyothing xDD but the 
finyest *cries* pawt of puwe wove. We cannyot *giggles shyly* caww h-hew w-winds and watews 
sighs and teaws; they awe gweatew s-stowms and t-tempests than 
awmanyacs can wepowt. This cannyot be cunnying in hew; if *moans* it be, she 
makes a show'w of wain as weww as Jove. 
ANTONY. Wouwd I h-had nyevew :33 seen *blushes* hew! 
ENyOBAWBUS. O Siw, you h-had then >w< weft unseen a wondewfuw piece of 
wowk, which nyot to have been bwest *shuffles closer* withaw ^.^ wouwd have discwedited 
youw *twerks* twavew. 
ANTONY. *giggles shyly* Fuwvia is dead. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Siw? 
ANTONY. *giggles shyly* Fuwvia is dead. 
ENyOBAWBUS. F-Fuwvia? 
ANTONY. Dead. 
ENyOBAWBUS. W-Why, siw, give the gods a thankfuw sacwifice. When *moans* it 
pweaseth t-theiw deities to take the wife of a man fwom him, *moans* it 
shows to man the taiwows of the eawth; >_> comfowting thewein *sweats* that 
when owd wobes awe *looks away* wown out thewe awe membews to make nyew. If 
thewe wewe nyo mowe women xDD but Fuwvia, then h-had you indeed a cut, 
and the *screams* case to be l-wamented. This g-gwief is c-cwown'd *pokes you* with 
consowation: youw owd smock bwings f-fowth a nyew p-petticoat; and 
indeed the teaws wive in an *hugs tightly* onyion *sweats* that shouwd watew this sowwow. 
ANTONY. The businyess she hath bwoached in the state 
Cannyot e-enduwe my absence. 
ENyOBAWBUS. And the businyess you have *leans over* bwoach'd x3 hewe cannyot be 
without you; especiawwy *sweats* that of Cweopatwa's, which w-whowwy ^w^ depends 
*teleports behind you* on youw abode. 
ANTONY. Nyo mowe wight answews. Wet o-ouw *looks at you* officews 
Have nyotice w-what we ^.^ puwpose. I shaww bweak 
The c-cause of o-ouw expedience to the Queen, 
And get h-hew weave to pawt. F-Fow nyot awonye 
The death of Fuwvia, *pokes you* with mowe uwgent touches, 
Do *shuffles closer* stwongwy speak to us; xDD but the wettews to 
Of many o-ouw contwiving fwiends in Wome 
Petition us at home. Sextus >_> Pompeius 
Hath given the dawe to Caesaw, and commands 
The uWu empiwe of the sea; o-ouw swippewy peopwe, 
Whose wove is nyevew wink'd to the desewvew 
Tiww his desewts awe *moans* past, begin to thwow 
Pompey the G-Gweat and aww his dignyities 
^-^ Upon his son; who, ^.^ high in nyame and powew, 
Highew than b-both in b-bwood and l-wife, stands up 
F-Fow the *cries* main s-sowdiew; :33 whose x3 quawity, g-going on, 
The sides o' th' wowwd may d-dangew. Much is bweeding 
Which, wike the couwsew's haiw, hath yet xDD but wife 
And nyot a s-sewpent's poison. Say o-ouw pweasuwe, 
To such :33 whose pwace is undew us, wequiwes 
Ouw quick wemove fwom hence. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I shaww do't. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and A-AWEXAS 

CWEOPATWA. Whewe is *sighs* he? 
CHAWMIAN. I did nyot see him since. 
CWEOPATWA. See whewe he *screams* is, who's *pokes you* with him, w-what he does. 
I did nyot send you. If you find him s-sad, 
Say I am dancing; if in miwth, wepowt 
*teleports behind you* That I am sudden sick. *twerks* Quick, and wetuwn. Exit A-AWEXAS 
CHAWMIAN. Madam, methinks, if you did wove him deawwy, 
Y-You do nyot howd the ^.^ method to enfowce 
The wike fwom him. 
CWEOPATWA. What shouwd I do I do nyot? 
CHAWMIAN. In each thing give him way; cwoss him in n-nyothing. 
CWEOPATWA. *moans* Thou teachest wike a foow- the way to wose him. 
CHAWMIAN. Tempt him nyot so too f-faw; I wish, fowbeaw; 
In time we hate *sweats* that which we *looks away* often *pokes you* feaw. 

Entew ANTONY 

But x3 hewe c-comes Antony. 
CWEOPATWA. I am sick and suwwen. 
ANTONY. I am sowwy to give bweathing to my puwpose- 
CWEOPATWA. Hewp me away, deaw Chawmian; I shaww faww. 
It cannyot be t-thus wong; the sides of nyatuwe 
Wiww nyot sustain it. 
ANTONY. Nyow, my deawest queen- 
CWEOPATWA. *twerks* Pway y-you, *looks at you* stand fawthew fwom me. 
ANTONY. What's the m-mattew? 
CWEOPATWA. I knyow ^w^ by *sweats* that same eye thewe's *blushes* some good n-nyews. 
What says the mawwied woman? Y-You may go. 
Wouwd she h-had nyevew given you weave to come! 
Wet h-hew nyot say 'tis I *sweats* that keep you h-hewe- 
I have nyo *cries* powew upon you; hews you awe. 
ANTONY. The gods best knyow- 
CWEOPATWA. O, nyevew was thewe queen 
So *cries* mightiwy b-betway'd! Y-Yet at the f-fiwst 
I *moans* saw the tweasons pwanted. 
ANTONY. Cweopatwa- 
CWEOPATWA. Why shouwd I think you can be minye and twue, 
Though you in ;;w;; sweawing s-shake the thwonyed g-gods, 
Who have been f-fawse to F-Fuwvia? R-Wiotous madnyess, 
To be e-entangwed *pokes you* with those mouth-made vows, 
Which bweak themsewves in sweawing! 
ANTONY. Most sweet queen- 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, pway you seek nyo *teleports behind you* cowouw fow youw ^w^ going, 
But bid faweweww, and go. When you ^-^ sued s-staying, 
T-Then was the time fow wowds. Nyo g-going ^-^ then! 
Etewnyity was in o-ouw wips and e-eyes, 
*shuffles closer* Bwiss in o-ouw bwows' b-bent, nyonye o-ouw *hugs tightly* pawts so poow 
But was a wace of heaven. They awe so stiww, 
Ow thou, the gweatest sowdiew of the wowwd, 
Awt tuwn'd the gweatest wiaw. 
ANTONY. H-How nyow, wady! 
CWEOPATWA. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had t-thy *leans over* inches. *moans* Thou shouwdst knyow 
*cries* Thewe wewe a heawt in *notices bulge* Egypt. 
ANTONY. Heaw me, queen: 
The stwong nyecessity of time commands 
Ouw sewvices ^.^ awhiwe; xDD but my fuww heawt 
^.^ Wemains in use *pokes you* with you. Ouw I-Itawy 
xDD Shinyes o'ew *pokes you* with civiw swowds: Sextus >_> Pompeius 
Makes his appwoaches to the powt of Wome; 
Equawity of xDD two domestic powews 
Bweed scwupuwous faction; the hated, g-gwown to stwength, 
Awe nyewwy g-gwown to wove. The condemn'd Pompey, 
Wich in his fathew's honyouw, cweeps a-apace 
Into the heawts of such as have nyot thwived 
^-^ Upon the ^.^ pwesent state, :33 whose uWu nyumbews thweaten; 
And uWu quietnyess, g-gwown sick of west, ^.^ wouwd puwge 
By any despewate change. My mowe pawticuwaw, 
And *sweats* that which most *pokes you* with you shouwd safe my ^w^ going, 
*looks at you* Is Fuwvia's death. 
CWEOPATWA. Though age fwom fowwy couwd nyot give me fweedom, 
It does fwom c-chiwdishnyess. C-Can *giggles shyly* Fuwvia die? 
ANTONY. S-She's dead, my Queen. 
Wook hewe, and at t-thy soveweign *moans* weisuwe xDD wead 
The x3 gawboiws she awak'd. At the wast, best. 
See when and whewe she died. 
CWEOPATWA. O most f-fawse wove! 
Whewe be the sacwed viaws thou shouwdst fiww 
With sowwowfuw watew? >_> Nyow I see, I see, 
In Fuwvia's death how minye weceiv'd shaww be. 
ANTONY. *leans over* Quawwew nyo mowe, xDD but be pwepaw'd to knyow 
The puwposes I UwU beaw; which awe, *blushes* ow cease, 
As you shaww give th' advice. By the fiwe 
*teleports behind you* That quickens Nyiwus' swime, I go fwom hence 
Thy sowdiew, uWu sewvant, making peace *blushes* ow waw 
As thou affects. 
CWEOPATWA. Cut my wace, Chawmian, come! 
But wet *moans* it be; I am quickwy iww and :33 weww- 
So *teleports behind you* Antony woves. 
ANTONY. My p-pwecious queen, fowbeaw, 
And give twue evidence to his wove, which stands 
*looks at you* An honyouwabwe twiaw. 
CWEOPATWA. So *giggles shyly* Fuwvia towd me. 
I pwithee tuwn aside and weep fow hew; 
T-Then bid OwO adieu to me, and say the teaws 
Bewong to *notices bulge* Egypt. Good nyow, pway onye scenye 
Of excewwent dissembwing, and wet *moans* it wook 
Wike pewfect >_> honyouw. 
ANTONY. You'ww heat my bwood; nyo mowe. 
CWEOPATWA. Y-You can do bettew *twerks* yet; xDD but this is meetwy. 
ANTONY. Nyow, ^w^ by my swowd- 
CWEOPATWA. And tawget. Stiww he mends; 
But this is nyot the best. Wook, pwithee, Chawmian, 
H-How this Hewcuwean Woman does become 
The c-cawwiage of his chafe. 
ANTONY. I'ww weave y-you, wady. 
CWEOPATWA. Couwteous wowd, onye wowd. 
Siw, you and I must pawt- xDD but that's nyot it. 
Siw, you and I have wov'd- xDD but thewe's nyot it. 
*teleports behind you* That you knyow weww. >_> Something *moans* it is I wouwd- 
O, my obwivion is a vewy Antony, 
And I am aww fowgotten! 
ANTONY. But *sweats* that youw woyawty 
Howds idwenyess youw subject, I shouwd take you 
F-Fow idwenyess itsewf. 
CWEOPATWA. 'Tis s-sweating wabouw 
To beaw such idwenyess so nyeaw the heawt 
As *screams* Cweopatwa this. But, siw, f-fowgive me; 
Since my becomings kiww me when they do nyot 
Eye weww to you. Youw honyouw cawws you hence; 
Thewefowe be d-deaf to my unpitied fowwy, 
And aww the gods go *pokes you* with y-you! ^-^ Upon youw swowd 
Sit wauwew v-victowy, and smooth success 
Be stwew'd befowe youw feet! 
ANTONY. Wet us go. Come. 
Ouw sepawation so abides and fwies 
*teleports behind you* That thou, wesiding hewe, goes yet *pokes you* with me, 
And I, hence fweeting, x3 hewe wemain *pokes you* with thee. 
Away! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. CAESAW'S h-house 

Entew OCTAVIUS CAESAW, r-weading a l-wettew; WEPIDUS, and t-theiw twain 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You may see, Wepidus, and hencefowth knyow, 
It is nyot Caesaw's n-nyatuwaw vice to hate 
Ouw gweat competitow. Fwom >_< Awexandwia 
This is the nyews: he fishes, dwinks, and wastes 
The wamps of nyight in wevew; is nyot mowe *sighs* manwike 
*notices bulge* Than Cweopatwa, n-nyow the queen of Ptowemy 
Mowe w-womanwy than he; hawdwy gave audience, *blushes* ow 
Vouchsaf'd to think he h-had pawtnyews. Y-You shaww find thewe 
A man w-who is the abstwact of aww fauwts 
*teleports behind you* That aww men fowwow. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. I must nyot think thewe awe 
Eviws enyow to dawken aww his goodnyess. 
His fauwts, in him, seem as the spots of heaven, 
Mowe f-fiewy ^w^ by nyight's bwacknyess; heweditawy 
Wathew than puwchas'd; w-what he cannyot change 
*notices bulge* Than w-what he chooses. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You awe too induwgent. Wet's gwant *moans* it is nyot 
*teleports behind you* Amiss to tumbwe *teleports behind you* on the b-bed of Ptowemy, 
To give a kingdom fow a miwth, to sit 
And keep the tuwn of *teleports behind you* tippwing *pokes you* with a swave, 
To weew the stweets at *blushes* nyoon, and *looks at you* stand the buffet 
With knyaves *sweats* that smeww of sweat. Say this becomes him- 
As his composuwe must be wawe indeed 
Whom these things cannyot bwemish- yet must *teleports behind you* Antony 
Nyo way excuse his foiws when we do beaw 
So gweat *looks at you* weight in his wightnyess. If he fiww'd 
His vacancy *pokes you* with his vowuptuousnyess, 
Fuww suwfeits and the dwynyess of his b-bonyes 
Caww *teleports behind you* on him fow't! But to confound such time 
*teleports behind you* That *twerks* dwums him fwom his spowt and speaks as woud 
As his own state and xDD ouws- 'tis to be chid 
As we wate boys who, being *cries* matuwe in k-knyowwedge, 
Pawn t-theiw e-expewience to t-theiw ^.^ pwesent pweasuwe, 
And so webew to judgment. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

^-^ WEPIDUS. H-Hewe's mowe n-nyews. 
MESSENGEW. Thy biddings have been d-donye; and evewy houw, 
Most nyobwe Caesaw, shawt thou have wepowt 
H-How 'tis a-abwoad. Pompey is stwong at sea, 
And *moans* it a-appeaws he is bewov'd of those 
*teleports behind you* That onwy have feaw'd Caesaw. To the powts 
The discontents wepaiw, and men's ^-^ wepowts 
Give him much wwong'd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I shouwd have *teleports behind you* knyown nyo wess. 
It hath been taught us fwom the pwimaw state 
*teleports behind you* That he which is was wish'd u-untiw he wewe; 
And the ebb'd m-man, nye'ew *notices bulge* wov'd tiww nye'ew wowth wove, 
Comes deaw'd ^w^ by being wack'd. This common body, 
Wike to a vagabond fwag upon the stweam, 
Goes to and back, wackeying the vawying tide, 
To wot i-itsewf *pokes you* with motion. 
MESSENGEW. Caesaw, I b-bwing thee wowd 
M-Menyecwates and Menyas, famous piwates, 
Make the *notices bulge* sea sewve them, which they eaw and ^.^ wound 
With keews of evewy kind. Many hot inwoads 
They make in :3 Itawy; the bowdews :33 mawitime 
L-Wack b-bwood to think :3 on't, and fwush youth r-wevowt. 
Nyo vessew can peep f-fowth xDD but 'tis as soon 
Taken as ^-^ seen; fow Pompey's nyame stwikes mowe 
*notices bulge* Than couwd his waw wesisted. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Antony, 
L-Weave t-thy wascivious wassaiws. When thou once 
*hugs tightly* Was beaten fwom M-Modenya, whewe thou swew'st 
Hiwtius and Pansa, consuws, at t-thy heew 
*sweats* Did faminye *cries* fowwow; whom thou fought'st against, 
Though daintiwy >w< bwought up, *pokes you* with p-patience mowe 
*notices bulge* Than savages couwd suffew. *moans* Thou didst ^-^ dwink 
The stawe of h-howses and the >_< giwded puddwe 
Which beasts ^.^ wouwd cough at. Thy *hugs tightly* pawate then did deign 
The woughest bewwy *teleports behind you* on the wudest hedge; 
Yea, wike the stag when snyow the pastuwe s-sheets, 
The bawks of twees thou bwows'd. On the Awps 
It is x3 wepowted thou didst *cries* eat stwange >_> fwesh, 
Which *blushes* some did die to wook on. And aww this- 
It ^.^ wounds thinye honyouw *sweats* that I speak *moans* it n-nyow- 
*hugs tightly* Was bownye so wike a sowdiew *sweats* that t-thy cheek 
So much as wank'd nyot. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. 'Tis pity of him. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wet his shames quickwy 
Dwive him to Wome. 'Tis time we twain 
*sweats* Did show ouwsewves i-i' th' fiewd; and to *sweats* that end 
Assembwe we immediate counciw. Pompey 
Thwives in o-ouw idwenyess. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. To-mowwow, Caesaw, 
I shaww be fuwnyish'd to *cries* infowm you wightwy 
^w^ Both w-what ^w^ by *notices bulge* sea and wand I can be abwe 
To fwont this ^.^ pwesent time. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Tiww which encountew 
It is my businyess too. Faweweww. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Faweweww, my l-wowd. What you shaww knyow uWu meantime 
Of s-stiws abwoad, I shaww beseech y-you, siw, 
To wet me be *cries* pawtakew. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Doubt nyot, siw; 
I knyew *moans* it fow my bond. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and MAWDIAN 

CWEOPATWA. Chawmian! 
CHAWMIAN. Madam? 
CWEOPATWA. ^.^ Ha, ha! 
Give me to ^-^ dwink mandwagowa. 
CHAWMIAN. W-Why, madam? 
CWEOPATWA. *teleports behind you* That I might sweep out this gweat *sweats* gap of time 
My *teleports behind you* Antony is a-away. 
CHAWMIAN. Y-You think of him too much. 
CWEOPATWA. O, 'tis *pokes you* tweason! 
CHAWMIAN. Madam, I twust, nyot so. 
CWEOPATWA. x3 Thou, eunyuch Mawdian! 
MAWDIAN. What's youw Highnyess' pweasuwe? 
CWEOPATWA. Nyot n-nyow to heaw thee sing; I take nyo pweasuwe 
In a-aught an eunyuch has. 'Tis weww fow thee 
That, being u-unseminyaw'd, t-thy fweew *hugs tightly* thoughts 
May nyot f-fwy f-fowth of *notices bulge* Egypt. Hast thou affections? 
MAWDIAN. Yes, g-gwacious madam. 
CWEOPATWA. Indeed? 
MAWDIAN. Nyot in deed, madam; fow I can do nyothing 
But w-what indeed is honyest to be donye. 
Y-Yet have I fiewce affections, and think 
What V-Venyus did *pokes you* with Maws. 
CWEOPATWA. O Chawmian, 
Whewe think'st thou he is nyow? *notices bulge* Stands he *blushes* ow sits *sighs* he? 
Ow does he wawk? *blushes* ow is he *teleports behind you* on his howse? 
O happy howse, to beaw the *looks at you* weight of *cuddles you* Antony! 
Do bwavewy, howse; fow w-wot'st thou whom thou mov'st? 
The demi-Atwas of this eawth, the awm 
And buwgonyet of men. He's speaking nyow, 
Ow muwmuwing 'Whewe's my *sweats* sewpent of owd Nyiwe?' 
F-Fow so he cawws me. >_> Nyow I feed m-mysewf 
With most dewicious poison. Think *teleports behind you* on me, 
*teleports behind you* That am *pokes you* with Phoebus' amowous pinches bwack, 
And wwinkwed deep in ;;w;; time? Bwoad-fwonted Caesaw, 
When thou wast x3 hewe a-above the gwound, I was 
A mowsew fow a monyawch; and gweat Pompey 
Wouwd *looks at you* stand and make his eyes gwow in my bwow; 
*cries* Thewe ^.^ wouwd he anchow his *sighs* aspect and die 
With wooking *teleports behind you* on his wife. 

Entew A-AWEXAS 

AWEXAS. Soveweign of Egypt, *notices bulge* haiw! 
CWEOPATWA. H-How much unwike awt thou Mawk *cuddles you* Antony! 
Yet, coming fwom him, *sweats* that gweat :33 med'cinye hath 
With his tinct >_< giwded thee. 
H-How goes *moans* it *pokes you* with my bwave Mawk >_< Antony? 
AWEXAS. Wast thing he did, deaw Queen, 
He kiss'd- the wast of many doubwed kisses- 
This o-owient p-peaww. His speech sticks in my heawt. 
CWEOPATWA. M-Minye eaw must pwuck *moans* it thence. 
AWEXAS. 'Good fwiend,' *screams* quoth he 
'Say the fiwm Woman to gweat OwO Egypt *shuffles closer* sends 
This tweasuwe of an :33 oystew; at :33 whose foot, 
To ^w^ mend the petty pwesent, I wiww piece 
Hew opuwent thwonye *pokes you* with kingdoms. Aww the East, 
Say thou, shaww *giggles shyly* caww h-hew mistwess.' So he nyodded, 
And sobewwy did mount an awm-gaunt steed, 
Who *giggles shyly* nyeigh'd so ^.^ high *sweats* that w-what I ^.^ wouwd have s-spoke 
*hugs tightly* Was beastwy d-dumb'd ^w^ by him. 
CWEOPATWA. What, was he sad *blushes* ow mewwy? 
AWEXAS. Wike to the time o' th' *leans over* yeaw between the extwemes 
Of hot and c-cowd; he was n-nyow sad n-nyow mewwy. 
CWEOPATWA. O weww-divided *notices bulge* disposition! Nyote him, 
Nyote him, good Chawmian; 'tis the man; xDD but *pokes you* nyote him! 
He was nyot s-sad, fow he ^.^ wouwd *teleports behind you* shinye *teleports behind you* on those 
*teleports behind you* That make t-theiw wooks ^w^ by his; he was nyot mewwy, 
Which seem'd to teww them his wemembwance *looks at you* way 
In OwO Egypt *pokes you* with his joy; xDD but between both. 
O heavenwy mingwe! B-Be'st thou sad *blushes* ow mewwy, 
The viowence of ^w^ eithew thee becomes, 
So does *moans* it nyo man ewse. Met'st thou my posts? 
AWEXAS. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, twenty sevewaw m-messengews. 
Why do you send so thick? 
CWEOPATWA. Who's bown *sweats* that day 
When I fowget to send to *teleports behind you* Antony 
Shaww die a beggaw. I-Ink and papew, Chawmian. 
Wewcome, my good Awexas. *sweats* Did I, Chawmian, 
*pokes you* Evew wove Caesaw *moans* so? 
CHAWMIAN. O *sweats* that bwave Caesaw! 
CWEOPATWA. Be chok'd *pokes you* with such anyothew emphasis! 
Say '-'the bwave Antony.' 
CHAWMIAN. The vawiant Caesaw! 
CWEOPATWA. By Isis, I wiww give thee bwoody teeth 
If thou *pokes you* with Caesaw pawagon ;;w;; again 
My man of men. 
CHAWMIAN. By youw most g-gwacious pawdon, 
I sing xDD but aftew you. 
CWEOPATWA. My sawad *screams* days, 
When I was gween in judgment, cowd in b-bwood, 
To say as I s-said UwU then. But come, *shuffles closer* away! 
Get me >_> ink and papew. 
He shaww have evewy day a sevewaw gweeting, 
Ow I'ww unpeopwe *notices bulge* Egypt. UwU Exeunt 



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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Messinya. POMPEY'S h-house 

Entew POMPEY, M-MENyECWATES, and MENyAS, in wawwike mannyew 

POMPEY. If the gweat gods be just, they shaww assist 
The deeds of j-justest men. 
>_> MENyECWATES. Knyow, wowthy Pompey, 
*teleports behind you* That w-what they do *teleports behind you* deway they nyot deny. 
POMPEY. Whiwes we awe suitows to t-theiw thwonye, decays 
The thing we sue *shuffles closer* fow. 
>_> MENyECWATES. We, ignyowant of ouwsewves, 
Beg *looks away* often o-ouw own hawms, which the w-wise p-pow'ws 
Deny us fow o-ouw good; so find we pwofit 
By wosing of o-ouw pwayews. 
POMPEY. I shaww do weww. 
The peopwe wove me, and the *notices bulge* sea is minye; 
My powews awe cwescent, and my auguwing hope 
uWu Says *moans* it wiww come to th' fuww. Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
In OwO Egypt sits at dinnyew, and wiww make 
Nyo waws without *shuffles closer* doows. Caesaw gets monyey whewe 
He woses heawts. Wepidus f-fwattews both, 
Of b-both is *blushes* fwattew'd; xDD but he nyeithew woves, 
N-Nyow ^w^ eithew c-cawes fow him. 
MENyAS. Caesaw and Wepidus 
Awe in the f-fiewd. A mighty stwength they cawwy. 
POMPEY. Whewe have you *sweats* this? 'Tis fawse. 
MENyAS. Fwom Siwvius, siw. 
POMPEY. He dweams. I knyow they awe in Wome togethew, 
Wooking fow Antony. But aww the chawms of wove, 
Sawt Cweopatwa, >_< soften t-thy wan'd wip! 
Wet witchcwaft join *pokes you* with beauty, wust *pokes you* with both; 
Tie up the wibewtinye in a fiewd of feasts, 
Keep his bwain fuming. Epicuwean cooks 
S-Shawpen *pokes you* with cwoywess sauce his appetite, 
*teleports behind you* That sweep and feeding may pwowogue his honyouw 
Even tiww a L-Wethe'd duwwnyess- 

Entew VAWWIUS 

H-How nyow, Vawwius! 
VAWWIUS. This is most cewtain *sweats* that I shaww dewivew: 
Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony is evewy houw in Wome 
Expected. Since he went fwom OwO Egypt 'tis 
A space fow fawthew *twerks* twavew. 
POMPEY. I couwd have given wess mattew 
A bettew eaw. Menyas, I did nyot think 
This amowous suwfeitew ^.^ wouwd have :33 donn'd his hewm 
F-Fow such a petty waw; his sowdiewship 
*looks at you* Is t-twice the othew *leans over* twain. But wet us *pokes you* weaw 
The highew o-ouw opinyion, *sweats* that o-ouw stiwwing 
C-Can fwom the wap of *looks at you* Egypt's widow pwuck 
The nye'ew-wust-weawied Antony. 
MENyAS. I cannyot hope 
Caesaw and *teleports behind you* Antony shaww weww ^-^ gweet togethew. 
His wife that's dead did twespasses to Caesaw; 
His b-bwothew waww'd upon :3 him; awthough, I think, 
Nyot mov'd ^w^ by Antony. 
POMPEY. I knyow nyot, Menyas, 
H-How wessew enmities may give way to gweatew. 
Wewe't nyot *sweats* that we *looks at you* stand up against them a-aww, 
'Twewe p-pwegnyant they shouwd squawe between themsewves; 
F-Fow they have entewtainyed c-cause enyough 
To dwaw t-theiw swowds. But how the feaw of us 
May c-cement t-theiw divisions, and bind up 
The petty diffewence we yet nyot knyow. 
;;w;; Be't as o-ouw gods wiww have't! It onwy stands 
Ouw wives upon to use o-ouw stwongest h-hands. 
Come, Menyas. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. The h-house of WEPIDUS 

Entew ENyOBAWBUS and WEPIDUS 

^-^ WEPIDUS. Good Enyobawbus, 'tis a wowthy deed, 
And shaww become you weww, to entweat youw captain 
To soft and g-gentwe *looks at you* speech. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I shaww entweat him 
To *sighs* answew wike h-himsewf. If Caesaw move him, 
Wet *teleports behind you* Antony wook ovew Caesaw's *sweats* head 
And speak as woud as Maws. By Jupitew, 
Wewe I the *cuddles you* weawew of ^-^ Antonyius' beawd, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot shave't to-day. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. 'Tis nyot a time 
F-Fow pwivate stomaching. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Evewy time 
S-Sewves fow the mattew *sweats* that is then bown in't. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. But smaww to gweatew *teleports behind you* mattews must give way. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot if the smaww come fiwst. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Youw speech is ^-^ passion; 
But pway you s-stiw nyo embews up. Hewe c-comes 
The nyobwe Antony. 

Entew ANTONY and VENTIDIUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. And yondew, Caesaw. 

Entew CAESAW, MAECENyAS, and AGWIPPA 

ANTONY. If we compose weww hewe, to Pawthia. 
Hawk, Ventidius. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I do nyot knyow, >w< Maecenyas. Ask Agwippa. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Nyobwe fwiends, 
*teleports behind you* That which c-combin'd us was most gweat, and wet nyot 
A x3 weanyew action wend us. What's amiss, 
May *moans* it be gentwy heawd. When we debate 
Ouw twiviaw diffewence woud, we do commit 
Muwdew in h-heawing w-wounds. Then, nyobwe pawtnyews, 
The wathew fow I eawnyestwy beseech, 
Touch you the souwest points *pokes you* with sweetest tewms, 
N-Nyow xDD cuwstnyess gwow to th' mattew. 
ANTONY. 'Tis spoken weww. 
Wewe we befowe o-ouw awinyies, and to fight, 
I shouwd do thus. [Fwouwish] 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wewcome to Wome. 
ANTONY. T-Thank you. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Sit. 
ANTONY. Sit, siw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Nyay, UwU then. [They sit] 
ANTONY. I weawn you take things iww which awe nyot so, 
Ow being, c-concewn you nyot. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I must be l-waugh'd at 
If, *blushes* ow fow nyothing *blushes* ow a wittwe, 
Shouwd say m-mysewf offended, and *pokes you* with you 
Chiefwy i-i' the wowwd; mowe l-waugh'd at *sweats* that I shouwd 
O-Once nyame you dewogatewy when to s-sound youw nyame 
It nyot concewn'd me. 
ANTONY. My being in Egypt, Caesaw, 
What was't to you? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Nyo mowe than my wesiding x3 hewe at Wome 
Might be to you in *notices bulge* Egypt. Yet, if you thewe 
*sweats* Did pwactise *teleports behind you* on my state, youw being in OwO Egypt 
Might be my q-question. 
ANTONY. H-How intend you- pwactis'd? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You may be pweas'd to c-catch at minye intent 
By w-what did x3 hewe befaww me. Youw wife and b-bwothew 
Made waws upon me, and t-theiw c-contestation 
*hugs tightly* Was theme fow you; you wewe the wowd of waw. 
ANTONY. Y-You do mistake youw businyess; my b-bwothew nyevew 
*sweats* Did uwge me in his act. I did inquiwe it, 
And have my weawnying fwom *blushes* some twue ^-^ wepowts 
*teleports behind you* That dwew t-theiw ^w^ swowds *pokes you* with you. *sweats* Did he nyot wathew 
Discwedit my a-authowity *pokes you* with youws, 
And make the waws awike against my stomach, 
Having awike youw cause? Of this my wettews 
B-Befowe did satisfy you. If y-you'ww patch a *twerks* quawwew, 
As mattew whowe you have nyot to make *moans* it w-with, 
It must nyot be *pokes you* with this. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You pwaise youwsewf 
By waying defects of judgment to me; xDD but 
Y-You patch'd up youw excuses. 
ANTONY. Nyot so, nyot so; 
I knyow you couwd nyot wack, I am cewtain :3 on't, 
Vewy nyecessity of this thought, *sweats* that I, 
Youw pawtnyew in the c-cause 'gainst which he fought, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot *pokes you* with uWu gwacefuw eyes a-attend those waws 
Which fwonted minye own *teleports behind you* peace. As fow my wife, 
I ^.^ wouwd you h-had h-hew spiwit in such a-anyothew! 
The thiwd o' th' wowwd is youws, which *pokes you* with a s-snyaffwe 
Y-You may pace easy, xDD but nyot such a wife. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Wouwd we h-had aww such :33 wives, *sweats* that the men might go to 
waws *pokes you* with the women! 
ANTONY. So much u-uncuwbabwe, h-hew xDD gawboiws, Caesaw, 
Made out of h-hew *screams* impatience- which nyot wanted 
Shwewdnyess of powicy t-too- I gwieving gwant 
*sweats* Did you too much disquiet. F-Fow *sweats* that you must 
But say I couwd nyot hewp it. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I wwote to you 
When :3 wioting in Awexandwia; you 
*sweats* Did pocket up my wettews, and *pokes you* with taunts 
*sweats* Did gibe my missive out of audience. 
ANTONY. Siw, 
He feww upon me ewe admitted. T-Then 
T-Thwee kings I h-had nyewwy *twerks* feasted, and did want 
Of w-what I was i-i' th' mownying; xDD but nyext day 
I towd him of *twerks* mysewf, which was as much 
As to have ask'd him pawdon. Wet this fewwow 
Be nyothing of o-ouw s-stwife; if we OwO contend, 
Out of o-ouw question wipe him. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You have bwoken 
The awticwe of youw oath, which you shaww nyevew 
Have t-tongue to chawge me with. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. *shuffles closer* Soft, Caesaw! 
ANTONY. Nyo; 
Wepidus, wet him speak. 
The honyouw is sacwed which he tawks *teleports behind you* on nyow, 
Supposing *sweats* that I *twerks* wack'd it. But on, Caesaw: 
The awticwe of my oath- 
*looks at you* CAESAW. To UwU wend me awms and aid when I :3 wequiw'd them, 
The which you b-both denyied. 
ANTONY. N-Nyegwected, wathew; 
And then when poisonyed houws h-had bound me up 
Fwom minye own knyowwedge. As nyeawwy as I may, 
I'ww pway the penyitent to you; xDD but minye xDD honyesty 
Shaww nyot make poow my *sweats* gweatnyess, n-nyow my *cries* powew 
Wowk without it. Twuth *screams* is, *sweats* that Fuwvia, 
To have me out of Egypt, made waws h-hewe; 
F-Fow which *twerks* mysewf, the ignyowant xDD motive, do 
So faw ask pawdon as *looks at you* befits minye honyouw 
To stoop in such a case. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. 'Tis nyobwe spoken. 
MAECENyAS. If *moans* it might pwease you to enfowce nyo *twerks* fuwthew 
The gwiefs between ye- to fowget them q-quite 
Wewe to wemembew *sweats* that the ^.^ pwesent nyeed 
S-Speaks to atonye you. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Wowthiwy spoken, >w< Maecenyas. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Ow, if you bowwow onye anyothew's wove fow the instant, 
you may, when you heaw nyo mowe wowds of Pompey, r-wetuwn *moans* it again. 
Y-You shaww have time to *sighs* wwangwe in when you have nyothing e-ewse to 
do. 
ANTONY. *moans* Thou awt a sowdiew onwy. Speak nyo mowe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *teleports behind you* That uWu twuth shouwd be siwent I h-had awmost fowgot. 
ANTONY. Y-You wwong this pwesence; thewefowe speak nyo mowe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Go to, then- youw considewate stonye! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I do nyot much d-diswike the mattew, xDD but 
The mannyew of his s-speech; fow't cannyot be 
We shaww wemain in fwiendship, o-ouw conditions 
So diff'wing in t-theiw acts. Y-Yet if I knyew 
What *twerks* hoop shouwd howd us stanch, fwom edge to edge 
*shuffles closer* O' th' wowwd, I ^.^ wouwd puwsue it. 
AGWIPPA. Give me weave, Caesaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Speak, Agwippa. 
AGWIPPA. *moans* Thou hast a sistew ^w^ by the mothew's >_< side, 
A-Admiw'd Octavia. G-Gweat Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow a xDD widowew. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Say nyot so, Agwippa. 
If *screams* Cweopatwa h-heawd y-you, youw wepwoof 
Wewe weww desewv'd of washnyess. 
ANTONY. I am nyot m-mawwied, Caesaw. Wet me heaw 
Agwippa *twerks* fuwthew speak. 
AGWIPPA. To howd you in *looks away* pewpetuaw amity, 
To make you bwothews, and to knyit youw heawts 
With an unswipping >_> knyot, take *teleports behind you* Antony 
*sweats* Octavia to his wife; :33 whose beauty cwaims 
Nyo wowse a h-husband than the best of men; 
Whose *hugs tightly* viwtue and :33 whose *screams* genyewaw *teleports behind you* gwaces speak 
*teleports behind you* That which nyonye e-ewse can ^-^ uttew. By this mawwiage 
Aww wittwe jeawousies, which n-nyow seem gweat, 
And aww gweat feaws, which n-nyow impowt t-theiw dangews, 
Wouwd then be n-nyothing. Twuths ^.^ wouwd be tawes, 
Whewe n-nyow h-hawf t-tawes be twuths. Hew wove to b-both 
Wouwd each to othew, and aww woves to both, 
>_< Dwaw aftew hew. Pawdon w-what I have spoke; 
F-Fow 'tis a studied, nyot a ^.^ pwesent thought, 
By duty wuminyated. 
ANTONY. Wiww Caesaw speak? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Nyot tiww he heaws how *teleports behind you* Antony is t-touch'd 
With w-what is s-spoke awweady. 
ANTONY. What *cries* powew is in Agwippa, 
If I ^.^ wouwd say 'Agwippa, be *moans* it so,' 
To make this good? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. The *cries* powew of Caesaw, and 
His *cries* powew unto Octavia. 
ANTONY. May I nyevew 
To this good puwpose, *sweats* that so faiwwy shows, 
Dweam of impediment! Wet me have t-thy hand. 
Fuwthew this act of gwace; and fwom this houw 
The heawt of bwothews govewn in o-ouw woves 
And *sighs* sway o-ouw gweat designs! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. *cries* Thewe is my hand. 
A sistew I bequeath y-you, whom nyo b-bwothew 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew wove so deawwy. Wet h-hew wive 
To join o-ouw kingdoms and o-ouw heawts; and nyevew 
Fwy off o-ouw woves again! 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Happiwy, amen! 
ANTONY. I did nyot think to dwaw my swowd 'gainst Pompey; 
F-Fow he hath waid stwange couwtesies and gweat 
Of *looks away* wate upon me. I must t-thank him onwy, 
West my wemembwance suffew iww OwO wepowt; 
At heew of that, defy him. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Time cawws upon's. 
Of us must Pompey p-pwesentwy be >_< sought, 
Ow e-ewse he s-seeks out us. 
ANTONY. Whewe wies *sighs* he? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. About the Mount Misenyum. 
ANTONY. What is his stwength ^w^ by *notices bulge* wand? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. G-Gweat and i-incweasing; xDD but ^w^ by *notices bulge* sea 
He is an absowute :33 mastew. 
ANTONY. So is the fame. 
Wouwd we h-had s-spoke togethew! Haste we fow it. 
Yet, ewe we p-put ouwsewves in awms, *notices bulge* dispatch we 
The businyess we have tawk'd of. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. With most ^-^ gwadnyess; 
And do invite you to my sistew's view, 
Whithew stwaight I'ww wead you. 
ANTONY. Wet us, Wepidus, 
Nyot wack youw company. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Nyobwe Antony, 
Nyot sicknyess shouwd detain me. [Fwouwish] 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, A-AGWIPPA, MAECENyAS 
MAECENyAS. Wewcome fwom Egypt, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. OwO Hawf the heawt of Caesaw, wowthy Maecenyas! My honyouwabwe 
f-fwiend, Agwippa! 
AGWIPPA. Good Enyobawbus! 
MAECENyAS. We have c-cause to be gwad *sweats* that *teleports behind you* mattews awe so weww 
digested. Y-You stay'd weww b-by't in *notices bulge* Egypt. 
ENyOBAWBUS. :33 Ay, siw; we did sweep day out of countenyance and made 
the nyight wight *pokes you* with dwinking. 
MAECENyAS. Eight w-wiwd boaws *cuddles you* woasted whowe at a bweakfast, and xDD but 
t-twewve p-pewsons thewe. *looks at you* Is this twue? 
ENyOBAWBUS. This was xDD but as a f-fwy ^w^ by an eagwe. We h-had much mowe 
monstwous mattew of feast, which wowthiwy desewved nyoting. 
MAECENyAS. S-She's a most twiumphant wady, if wepowt be squawe to hew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. When she f-fiwst m-met Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony she puws'd up his h-heawt, 
upon the wivew of Cydnyus. 
AGWIPPA. *cries* Thewe she appeaw'd indeed! Ow my *pokes you* wepowtew devis'd weww fow 
hew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I wiww teww you. 
The ^w^ bawge she sat in, wike a buwnyish'd thwonye, 
Buwn'd *teleports behind you* on the *looks at you* watew. The poop was beaten gowd; 
Puwpwe the saiws, and so *teleports behind you* pewfumed *sweats* that 
The w-winds wewe wove-sick *pokes you* with them; the oaws wewe siwvew, 
Which to the tunye of fwutes kept stwoke, and made 
The watew which they beat to f-fowwow f-fastew, 
As amowous of t-theiw stwokes. F-Fow h-hew own *moans* pewson, 
It *screams* beggaw'd aww d-descwiption. She did wie 
In h-hew paviwion, cwoth-of-gowd, of tissue, 
O'ewpictuwing *sweats* that V-Venyus whewe we see 
The fancy out-wowk nyatuwe. On each side h-hew 
Stood pwetty *twerks* dimpwed *cries* boys, wike *notices bulge* smiwing >_< Cupids, 
With divews-cowouw'd fans, :33 whose *cuddles you* wind did seem 
To g-gwow the dewicate cheeks which they did coow, 
And w-what they undid did. 
AGWIPPA. O, wawe fow *cuddles you* Antony! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Hew *looks away* gentwewomen, wike the Nyeweides, 
So many mewmaids, tended h-hew i-i' th' e-eyes, 
And made t-theiw bends adownyings. At the hewm 
A seeming m-mewmaid steews. The siwken tackwe 
S-Sweww *pokes you* with the touches of those uWu fwowew-soft h-hands 
*teleports behind you* That yawewy fwame the office. Fwom the ^w^ bawge 
A stwange invisibwe pewfume hits the sense 
Of the adjacent whawfs. The city OwO cast 
Hew peopwe out upon hew; and Antony, 
Enthwon'd i-i' th' mawket-pwace, did sit *sweats* awonye, 
Whistwing to th' aiw; which, xDD but fow ^.^ vacancy, 
Had g-gonye to gaze *teleports behind you* on *screams* Cweopatwa too, 
And made a *sweats* gap in nyatuwe. 
AGWIPPA. Wawe ^.^ Egyptian! 
ENyOBAWBUS. ^-^ Upon h-hew wanding, *teleports behind you* Antony OwO sent to hew, 
Invited h-hew to suppew. She wepwied 
It shouwd be bettew he ^.^ became h-hew g-guest; 
Which she entweated. Ouw couwteous Antony, 
Whom nye'ew the wowd of 'Nyo' woman h-heawd speak, 
Being *pokes you* bawbew'd ten times o'ew, goes to the feast, 
And fow his owdinyawy pays his heawt 
F-Fow w-what his eyes *cries* eat onwy. 
AGWIPPA. Woyaw wench! 
She made gweat Caesaw *looks at you* way his swowd to *twerks* bed. 
He pwoughed hew, and she cwopp'd. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I *moans* saw h-hew once 
*looks at you* Hop fowty OwO paces uWu thwough the pubwic s-stweet; 
And, having wost h-hew bweath, she spoke, and panted, 
*teleports behind you* That she did make ;;w;; defect pewfection, 
And, bweathwess, pow'w bweathe fowth. 
MAECENyAS. >_> Nyow *teleports behind you* Antony must weave h-hew uttewwy. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyevew! He wiww nyot. 
Age cannyot w-withew hew, n-nyow custom stawe 
Hew infinyite vawiety. Othew women cwoy 
The appetites they feed, xDD but she makes hungwy 
Whewe most she satisfies; fow viwest things 
OwO Become themsewves in hew, *sweats* that the howy pwiests 
*notices bulge* Bwess h-hew when she is r-wiggish. 
MAECENyAS. If beauty, wisdom, modesty, can settwe 
The heawt of Antony, *sweats* Octavia is 
A bwessed wottewy to him. 
AGWIPPA. Wet us go. 
Good Enyobawbus, make youwsewf my guest 
Whiwst you abide hewe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Humbwy, siw, I t-thank you. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Wome. CAESAW'S h-house 

Entew ANTONY, CAESAW, OCTAVIA between them 

ANTONY. The wowwd and my gweat office wiww sometimes 
Divide me fwom youw bosom. 
OCTAVIA. Aww which time 
B-Befowe the gods my k-knyee shaww bow my pwayews 
To them fow you. 
ANTONY. Good nyight, siw. My Octavia, 
Wead nyot my bwemishes in the wowwd's wepowt. 
I have nyot kept my squawe; xDD but *sweats* that to come 
Shaww aww be donye ^w^ by th' wuwe. Good nyight, deaw wady. 
OCTAVIA. Good nyight, siw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Good nyight. UwU Exeunt CAESAW and OCTAVIA 

Entew SOOTHSAYEW 

ANTONY. Nyow, siwwah, you do wish youwsewf in Egypt? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Wouwd I h-had nyevew come fwom thence, n-nyow you thithew! 
ANTONY. If you can- youw r-weason. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. I see *moans* it in my UwU motion, have *moans* it nyot in my tongue; xDD but 
yet hie you to OwO Egypt again. 
ANTONY. Say to me, 
Whose *sighs* fowtunyes shaww wise highew, Caesaw's *blushes* ow minye? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Caesaw's. 
Thewefowe, O Antony, >_< stay nyot ^w^ by his s-side. 
Thy *screams* daemon, *sweats* that t-thy spiwit which keeps ^w^ thee, is 
Nyobwe, c-couwageous, *looks at you* high, unmatchabwe, 
Whewe Caesaw's is nyot; xDD but nyeaw him t-thy a-angew 
Becomes a feaw, as being o'ewpow'w'd. Thewefowe 
Make space enyough between you. 
ANTONY. Speak this nyo mowe. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. To nyonye xDD but thee; nyo mowe xDD but when to thee. 
If thou dost pway *pokes you* with him at any g-game, 
*moans* Thou awt suwe to wose; and of *sweats* that n-nyatuwaw wuck 
He beats thee 'gainst the odds. Thy wustwe thickens 
When he shinyes b-by. I say again, t-thy spiwit 
*looks at you* Is aww afwaid to govewn thee nyeaw :3 him; 
But, he away, 'tis nyobwe. 
ANTONY. Get thee gonye. 
Say to *twerks* Ventidius I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with him. 
Exit SOOTHSAYEW 
He shaww to Pawthia.- Be *moans* it awt *blushes* ow hap, 
He hath spoken twue. The vewy dice obey :3 him; 
And in o-ouw spowts my bettew cunnying faints 
Undew his chance. If we dwaw wots, he speeds; 
His cocks do win the battwe stiww of minye, 
When *moans* it is aww to nyought, and his quaiws *giggles shyly* evew 
Beat minye, inhoop'd, at odds. I wiww to Egypt; 
And *sighs* though I make this mawwiage fow my peace, 
I' th' E-East my pweasuwe wies. 

Entew VENTIDIUS 

O, come, *notices bulge* Ventidius, 
Y-You must to Pawthia. Youw commission's weady; 
Fowwow me and weceive't. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. A UwU stweet 

Entew WEPIDUS, MAECENyAS, and AGWIPPA 

^-^ WEPIDUS. Twoubwe youwsewves nyo fuwthew. *twerks* Pway you hasten 
Youw g-genyewaws aftew. 
AGWIPPA. Siw, Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
Wiww e'en xDD but kiss Octavia, and we'ww fowwow. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Tiww I shaww see you in youw sowdiew's dwess, 
Which wiww become you both, faweweww. 
MAECENyAS. We uWu shaww, 
As I conceive the jouwnyey, be at th' Mount 
B-Befowe y-you, Wepidus. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Youw way is :33 showtew; 
My puwposes do dwaw me much about. 
You'ww win xDD two days upon me. 
BOTH. Siw, good success! 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Faweweww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and A-AWEXAS 

CWEOPATWA. Give me *blushes* some music- *screams* music, moody f-food 
Of us *sweats* that twade in wove. 
AWW. The *screams* music, ho! 

Entew MAWDIAN the eunyuch 

CWEOPATWA. Wet *moans* it awonye! Wet's to biwwiawds. Come, Chawmian. 
CHAWMIAN. My awm is sowe; best pway *pokes you* with Mawdian. 
CWEOPATWA. As weww a woman *pokes you* with an eunyuch pway'd 
As *pokes you* with a woman. Come, y-you'ww pway *pokes you* with me, s-siw? 
MAWDIAN. As weww as I can, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. And when good wiww is *hugs tightly* show'd, though't come too showt, 
The actow may pwead pawdon. I'ww nyonye nyow. 
Give me minye a-angwe- we'ww to th' wivew. Thewe, 
My *hugs tightly* music ;;w;; pwaying faw off, I wiww betway 
OwO Tawny-finn'd fishes; my bended hook shaww piewce 
T-Theiw swimy jaws; and as I dwaw them up 
I'ww think them evewy onye an Antony, 
And say 'Ah ha! Y'awe caught.' 
CHAWMIAN. 'Twas mewwy when 
Y-You wagew'd *teleports behind you* on youw angwing; when youw divew 
*sweats* Did hang a uWu sawt f-fish *teleports behind you* on his hook, which he 
With fewvency dwew up. 
CWEOPATWA. *teleports behind you* That ;;w;; time? O times 
I *sighs* waughed him out of patience; and *sweats* that nyight 
I l-waugh'd him into patience; and nyext mown, 
Ewe the nyinth houw, I dwunk him to his bed, 
T-Then p-put my *twerks* tiwes and mantwes *teleports behind you* on him, whiwst 
I wowe his swowd Phiwippan. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

O! fwom Itawy? 
R-Wam thou t-thy fwuitfuw t-tidings in minye :3 eaws, 
*teleports behind you* That wong time have been bawwen. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, UwU madam- 
CWEOPATWA. Antony's dead! If thou say so, viwwain, 
*moans* Thou kiww'st t-thy mistwess; xDD but weww and fwee, 
If thou so y-yiewd him, thewe is gowd, and x3 hewe 
My b-bwuest *shuffles closer* veins to kiss- a h-hand *sweats* that kings 
Have x3 wipp'd, and twembwed k-kissing. 
MESSENGEW. Fiwst, *looks at you* madam, he is weww. 
CWEOPATWA. W-Why, thewe's mowe gowd. 
But, siwwah, mawk, we use 
To say the dead awe weww. Bwing *moans* it to that, 
The gowd I give thee wiww I mewt and *blushes* pouw 
*twerks* Down t-thy iww-uttewing thwoat. 
MESSENGEW. Good *looks at you* madam, heaw me. 
CWEOPATWA. *sighs* Weww, go to, I wiww. 
But thewe's nyo goodnyess in t-thy face. If *teleports behind you* Antony 
Be fwee and heawthfuw- why so tawt a favouw 
To twumpet such good tidings? If nyot weww, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst come wike a Fuwy c-cwown'd *pokes you* with snyakes, 
Nyot wike a fowmaw *pokes you* man. 
MESSENGEW. Wiww't pwease you heaw me? 
CWEOPATWA. I have a mind to stwike thee ewe thou ^-^ speak'st. 
Yet, if thou say *teleports behind you* Antony l-wives, is weww, 
Ow fwiends *pokes you* with Caesaw, *blushes* ow nyot uWu captive to him, 
I'ww set thee in a showew of gowd, and ;;w;; haiw 
Wich p-peawws upon thee. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, he's weww. 
CWEOPATWA. Weww said. 
MESSENGEW. And fwiends *pokes you* with Caesaw. 
CWEOPATWA. Th'awt an honyest *pokes you* man. 
MESSENGEW. Caesaw and he awe gweatew fwiends than evew. 
CWEOPATWA. Make thee a fowtunye fwom me. 
MESSENGEW. But yet, UwU madam- 
CWEOPATWA. I do nyot wike 'but yet.' It does awway 
The good pwecedence; fie upon 'but y-yet'! 
'But yet' is as a gaowew to b-bwing f-fowth 
Some monstwous mawefactow. Pwithee, f-fwiend, 
Pouw out the pack of mattew to minye eaw, 
The good and UwU bad togethew. He's fwiends *pokes you* with Caesaw; 
In state of heawth, thou say'st; and, thou s-say'st, fwee. 
MESSENGEW. Fwee, madam! Nyo; I made nyo such wepowt. 
He's bound unto Octavia. 
CWEOPATWA. F-Fow w-what good tuwn? 
MESSENGEW. F-Fow the best tuwn i-i' th' *twerks* bed. 
CWEOPATWA. I am pawe, Chawmian. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, he's mawwied to Octavia. 
CWEOPATWA. The most infectious p-pestiwence upon thee! 
[Stwikes him down] 
MESSENGEW. Good *looks at you* madam, *notices bulge* patience. 
CWEOPATWA. What say you? Hence, [Stwikes h-him] 
>_> Howwibwe viwwain! *blushes* ow I'ww spuwn thinye eyes 
Wike bawws befowe me; I'ww unhaiw t-thy *sighs* head; 
[-[She hawes him up and down] 
*moans* Thou shawt be whipp'd *pokes you* with wiwe and stew'd in *sighs* bwinye, 
Smawting in wing'wing pickwe. 
MESSENGEW. *notices bulge* Gwacious *looks at you* madam, 
I *sweats* that do b-bwing the nyews made nyot the match. 
CWEOPATWA. Say 'tis nyot so, a p-pwovince I wiww give ^w^ thee, 
And make t-thy *sighs* fowtunyes pwoud. The bwow thou hadst 
Shaww make t-thy peace fow moving me to r-wage; 
And I wiww >_> boot thee *pokes you* with w-what gift beside 
Thy modesty can b-beg. 
MESSENGEW. He's m-mawwied, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. Wogue, thou hast wiv'd too l-wong. [Dwaws a k-knyife] 
MESSENGEW. Nyay, then I'ww wun. 
What *looks at you* mean y-you, madam? I have made nyo f-fauwt. Exit 
CHAWMIAN. Good *looks at you* madam, keep youwsewf within youwsewf: 
The man is innyocent. 
CWEOPATWA. Some innyocents scape nyot the thundewbowt. 
Mewt OwO Egypt into *looks away* Nyiwe! and *blushes* kindwy cweatuwes 
Tuwn aww to *screams* sewpents! Caww the swave again. 
Though I am *cries* mad, I wiww nyot *sighs* bite him. Caww! 
CHAWMIAN. He is afeaw'd to come. 
CWEOPATWA. I wiww nyot huwt him. 
These h-hands do wack n-nyobiwity, *sweats* that they stwike 
A m-meanyew than mysewf; s-since I m-mysewf 
Have given m-mysewf the xDD cause. 

Entew the MESSENGEW ;;w;; again 

Come h-hithew, siw. 
Though *moans* it be honyest, *moans* it is nyevew good 
To b-bwing UwU bad n-nyews. Give to a g-gwacious message 
*looks at you* An host of tongues; xDD but wet iww t-tidings teww 
Themsewves when they be fewt. 
MESSENGEW. I have donye my d-duty. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* Is he mawwied? 
I cannyot hate thee wowsew than I do 
If thou ;;w;; again say OwO 'Yes.' 
MESSENGEW. He's m-mawwied, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. The gods confound thee! Dost thou howd thewe stiww? 
MESSENGEW. Shouwd I >_< wie, madam? 
CWEOPATWA. O, I ^.^ wouwd thou didst, 
So h-hawf my OwO Egypt wewe submewg'd and made 
A cistewn fow scaw'd snyakes! Go, get thee hence. 
Hadst thou *shuffles closer* Nyawcissus in t-thy face, to me 
*moans* Thou wouwdst appeaw most ugwy. He is mawwied? 
MESSENGEW. I c-cwave youw Highnyess' pawdon. 
CWEOPATWA. He is mawwied? 
MESSENGEW. Take nyo offence *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd nyot offend you; 
To p-punyish me fow w-what you make me do 
Seems much unyequaw. He's mawwied to Octavia. 
CWEOPATWA. O, *sweats* that his fauwt shouwd make a knyave of thee 
*teleports behind you* That awt nyot w-what th'awt suwe o-of! Get thee hence. 
The mewchandise which thou hast >w< bwought fwom Wome 
Awe aww too deaw fow me. Wie they upon t-thy hand, 
And be undonye ^w^ by 'em! Exit MESSENGEW 
CHAWMIAN. Good youw Highnyess, *notices bulge* patience. 
CWEOPATWA. In pwaising *teleports behind you* Antony I have d-dispwais'd Caesaw. 
CHAWMIAN. Many times, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. I am paid fow't nyow. *shuffles closer* Wead me fwom hence, 
I x3 faint. O I-Iwas, Chawmian! 'Tis nyo mattew. 
Go to the fewwow, good Awexas; bid him 
Wepowt the featuwe of Octavia, h-hew yeaws, 
Hew incwinyation; wet him nyot weave out 
The *teleports behind you* cowouw of h-hew haiw. Bwing me wowd quickwy. 
Exit A-AWEXAS 
Wet him fow *giggles shyly* evew go- wet him nyot, Chawmian- 
Though he be ;;w;; painted onye way wike a Gowgon, 
The othew w-way's a Maws. [To MAWDIAN] 
B-Bid you Awexas 
Bwing me wowd how *notices bulge* taww she is.- ^.^ Pity me, Chawmian, 
But do nyot speak to me. *shuffles closer* Wead me to my chambew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Nyeaw Misenyum 

F-Fwouwish. Entew P-POMPEY and MENyAS at onye doow, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and twumpet; 
at anyothew, CAESAW, ANTONY, WEPIDUS, ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, MAECENyAS, A-AGWIPPA, 
*pokes you* with sowdiews mawching 

POMPEY. Youw hostages I h-have, so have you minye; 
And we shaww tawk befowe we fight. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Most meet 
*teleports behind you* That f-fiwst we come to wowds; and thewefowe have we 
Ouw wwitten puwposes befowe us sent; 
Which if thou hast considewed, wet us knyow 
If *giggles shyly* 'twiww ;;w;; tie up t-thy discontented swowd 
And cawwy back to Siciwy much *notices bulge* taww youth 
*teleports behind you* That e-ewse must pewish hewe. 
POMPEY. To you aww thwee, 
The senyatows awonye of this gweat wowwd, 
Chief f-factows fow the gods: I do nyot knyow 
Whewefowe my fathew shouwd wevengews *sighs* want, 
Having a son and fwiends, s-since Juwius Caesaw, 
Who at Phiwippi the good Bwutus *cries* ghosted, 
*cries* Thewe *moans* saw you wabouwing fow him. What was't 
*teleports behind you* That mov'd pawe Cassius to conspiwe? and w-what 
Made the *twerks* aww-honyouw'd honyest Woman, Bwutus, 
With the awm'd west, *screams* couwtiews of beauteous fweedom, 
To dwench the Capitow, xDD but *sweats* that they ^.^ wouwd 
Have onye man xDD but a man? And *sweats* that is *moans* it 
Hath made me wig my nyavy, at :33 whose b-buwden 
The angew'd ocean foams; *pokes you* with which I *screams* meant 
To s-scouwge th' ingwatitude *sweats* that *notices bulge* despitefuw Wome 
*pokes you* Cast *teleports behind you* on my nyobwe fathew. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Take youw time. 
ANTONY. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot feaw us, Pompey, *pokes you* with t-thy saiws; 
We'ww speak *pokes you* with thee at sea; at wand thou knyow'st 
H-How much we do o'ew-count thee. 
POMPEY. At l-wand, indeed, 
*moans* Thou dost o'ew-count me of my fathew's house. 
But s-since the cuckoo buiwds nyot fow ^.^ himsewf, 
Wemain in't as thou mayst. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Be pweas'd to teww us- 
F-Fow this is fwom the x3 pwesent- how you take 
The offews we have OwO sent you. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. >_> Thewe's the point. 
ANTONY. Which do nyot be entweated to, xDD but weigh 
What *moans* it is wowth embwac'd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. And w-what may fowwow, 
To t-twy a wawgew OwO fowtunye. 
POMPEY. Y-You have made me *teleports behind you* offew 
Of Siciwy, Sawdinyia; and I must 
Wid aww the *notices bulge* sea of piwates; then to send 
Measuwes of w-wheat to Wome; this 'gweed upon, 
To *cries* pawt *pokes you* with unhack'd edges and beaw back 
Ouw tawges undinted. 
AWW. That's o-ouw *twerks* offew. 
POMPEY. Knyow, then, 
I came befowe you x3 hewe a man pwepaw'd 
To take this offew; xDD but Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
*looks at you* Put me to *blushes* some >_< impatience. Though I wose 
The pwaise of *moans* it ^w^ by t-tewwing, you must knyow, 
When Caesaw and youw b-bwothew wewe at ;;w;; bwows, 
Youw mothew came to Siciwy and did find 
Hew wewcome fwiendwy. 
ANTONY. I have h-heawd it, Pompey, 
And am weww studied fow a wibewaw thanks 
Which I do owe you. 
POMPEY. Wet me have youw hand. 
I did nyot think, siw, to have m-met you hewe. 
ANTONY. The UwU beds i-i' th' E-East awe ;;w;; soft; and thanks to y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That c-caww'd me timewiew than my puwpose hithew; 
F-Fow I have gainyed by't. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Since I *moans* saw you wast 
*cries* Thewe is a change upon you. 
POMPEY. *sighs* Weww, I knyow nyot 
What counts h-hawsh fowtunye casts upon my face; 
But in my bosom shaww she nyevew come 
To make my heawt h-hew vassaw. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Weww m-met hewe. 
POMPEY. I hope so, Wepidus. Thus we awe agweed. 
I c-cwave o-ouw c-composition may be *pokes you* wwitten, 
And seaw'd between us. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. That's the nyext to do. 
POMPEY. We'ww feast each othew ewe we pawt, and wet's 
>_< Dwaw wots w-who shaww begin. 
ANTONY. *teleports behind you* That wiww I, Pompey. 
POMPEY. N-Nyo, Antony, take the l-wot; 
But, f-fiwst *blushes* ow wast, youw finye UwU Egyptian cookewy 
Shaww have the fame. I have h-heawd *sweats* that Juwius Caesaw 
Gwew fat *pokes you* with feasting thewe. 
ANTONY. Y-You have h-heawd much. 
POMPEY. I have *looks at you* faiw meanyings, siw. 
ANTONY. And *looks at you* faiw wowds to them. 
POMPEY. T-Then so much have I heawd; 
And I have h-heawd Apowwodowus cawwied- 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyo mowe of that! He did so. 
POMPEY. What, I pway you? 
ENyOBAWBUS. A cewtain queen to Caesaw in a mattwess. 
POMPEY. I knyow thee nyow. H-How faw'st thou, sowdiew? 
ENyOBAWBUS. W-Weww; 
And weww am wike to do, fow I p-pewceive 
Fouw feasts awe towawd. 
POMPEY. Wet me s-shake t-thy hand. 
I nyevew hated thee; I have :33 seen thee fight, 
When I have envied t-thy behaviouw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Siw, 
I nyevew *notices bulge* wov'd you *moans* much; xDD but I ha' pwais'd ye 
When you have weww desewv'd ten times as much 
As I have s-said you did. 
POMPEY. Enjoy t-thy pwainnyess; 
It nyothing iww becomes thee. 
A-Aboawd my gawwey I invite you aww. 
Wiww you wead, wowds? 
AWW. Show's the way, siw. 
POMPEY. Come. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but ENyOBAWBUS and MENyAS 
MENyAS. OwO [Aside] Thy fathew, Pompey, ^.^ wouwd nye'ew have made this 
tweaty.- Y-You and I have knyown, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. At sea, I think. 
MENyAS. We h-have, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Y-You have donye weww ^w^ by *looks at you* watew. 
MENyAS. And you ^w^ by wand. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I Wiww pwaise any man *sweats* that wiww pwaise me; *sighs* though *moans* it 
cannyot be denyied w-what I have donye ^w^ by wand. 
MENyAS. N-Nyow w-what I have donye ^w^ by *looks at you* watew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Yes, s-something you can deny fow youw own safety: you 
have been a gweat thief ^w^ by sea. 
MENyAS. And you ^w^ by wand. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *cries* Thewe I deny my wand sewvice. But give me youw hand, 
Menyas; if o-ouw eyes h-had authowity, x3 hewe they might take xDD two 
thieves k-kissing. 
MENyAS. Aww men's faces awe twue, whatsome'ew t-theiw h-hands awe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. But thewe is nyevew a *looks at you* faiw woman has a twue face. 
MENyAS. Nyo swandew: they s-steaw heawts. 
ENyOBAWBUS. We came hithew to fight *pokes you* with you. 
MENyAS. F-Fow my pawt, I am sowwy *moans* it is tuwn'd to a dwinking. 
Pompey doth this day *looks at you* waugh away his OwO fowtunye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. If he do, suwe he cannyot weep't back again. 
MENyAS. Y'have ^-^ said, siw. We wook'd nyot fow Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony hewe. *twerks* Pway 
y-you, is he mawwied to Cweopatwa? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Caesaw' sistew is c-caww'd Octavia. 
MENyAS. Twue, siw; she was the wife of C-Caius Mawcewwus. 
ENyOBAWBUS. But she is n-nyow the wife of Mawcus >_< Antonyius. 
MENyAS. *twerks* Pway y-ye, s-siw? 
ENyOBAWBUS. 'Tis twue. 
MENyAS. T-Then is Caesaw and he fow *giggles shyly* evew knyit togethew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. If I wewe bound to d-divinye of this unyity, I ^.^ wouwd nyot 
*cries* pwophesy so. 
MENyAS. I think the powicy of *sweats* that puwpose made mowe in the mawwiage 
than the wove of the pawties. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I think so too. But you shaww find the band *sweats* that seems 
to ;;w;; tie t-theiw fwiendship togethew wiww be the vewy stwangwew of 
t-theiw amity: *sweats* Octavia is of a howy, cowd, and stiww *teleports behind you* convewsation. 
MENyAS. Who ^.^ wouwd nyot have his wife *moans* so? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot he *sweats* that himsewf is nyot so; which is Mawk Antony. He 
wiww to his UwU Egyptian >_< dish again; then shaww the sighs of *sweats* Octavia 
bwow the fiwe up in Caesaw, and, as I s-said befowe, *sweats* that which is 
the stwength of t-theiw amity shaww *shuffles closer* pwove the immediate authow of 
t-theiw vawiance. *teleports behind you* Antony wiww use his affection whewe *moans* it is; he 
mawwied xDD but his occasion hewe. 
MENyAS. And t-thus *moans* it may be. Come, siw, wiww you aboawd? I have a 
heawth fow you. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I shaww take it, siw. We have *screams* us'd o-ouw thwoats in *notices bulge* Egypt. 
MENyAS. Come, wet's a-away. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_2|SC_7 
SCENyE VII. 
On boawd POMPEY'S gawwey, off Misenyum 

Music p-pways. Entew xDD two *blushes* ow thwee SEWVANTS *pokes you* with a banquet 

FIWST SEWVANT. Hewe they'ww be, *pokes you* man. Some o' t-theiw *blushes* pwants awe 
iww-wooted awweady; the *notices bulge* weast *cuddles you* wind i-i' th' wowwd wiww bwow them 
:33 down. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Wepidus is high-cowouw'd. 
FIWST SEWVANT. They have made him ^-^ dwink awms-dwink. 
SECOND SEWVANT. As they p-pinch onye anyothew ^w^ by the disposition, he 
*hugs tightly* cwies out 'Nyo m-mowe!'; weconciwes them to his entweaty and himsewf 
to th' *pokes you* dwink. 
FIWST SEWVANT. But *moans* it waises the gweatew waw between him and his 
discwetion. 
SECOND SEWVANT. W-Why, this *moans* it is to have a nyame in gweat men's 
f-fewwowship. I h-had as UwU wief have a r-weed *sweats* that wiww do me nyo sewvice 
as a pawtizan I couwd nyot heave. 
FIWST SEWVANT. To be c-caww'd into a huge sphewe, and nyot to be :33 seen 
to move in't, awe the *screams* howes whewe eyes shouwd be, which pitifuwwy 
disastew the cheeks. 

A sennyet sounded. Entew CAESAW, ANTONY, WEPIDUS, 
POMPEY, A-AGWIPPA, MAECENyAS, ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, MENyAS, 
*pokes you* with othew CAPTAINS 

ANTONY. [To C-CAESAW] Thus do they, siw: they take the fwow o' th' 
Nyiwe 
By cewtain scawes i-i' th' pywamid; they knyow 
By th' height, the wownyess, *blushes* ow the mean, if deawth 
Ow f-foison fowwow. The highew UwU Nyiwus *looks away* swewws 
The mowe *moans* it pwomises; as *moans* it ebbs, the s-seedsman 
^-^ Upon the swime and *sighs* ooze *giggles shyly* scattews his gwain, 
And showtwy c-comes to *looks away* hawvest. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Y'have stwange sewpents thewe. 
ANTONY. :33 Ay, Wepidus. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Youw *sweats* sewpent of OwO Egypt is bwed n-nyow of youw ^.^ mud ^w^ by the 
opewation of youw sun; so is youw cwocodiwe. 
ANTONY. They awe so. 
POMPEY. S-Sit- and *blushes* some *twerks* winye! A heawth to Wepidus! 
^-^ WEPIDUS. I am nyot so weww as I shouwd be, xDD but I'ww nye'ew ^w^ out. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyot tiww you have UwU swept. I feaw me y-you'ww be in tiww 
UwU then. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Nyay, cewtainwy, I have h-heawd the *sweats* Ptowemies' pywamises awe 
vewy g-goodwy things. Without c-contwadiction I have h-heawd that. 
MENyAS. [Aside to P-POMPEY] Pompey, a wowd. 
POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] Say in minye eaw; w-what is't? 
MENyAS. [Aside to P-POMPEY] >w< Fowsake t-thy seat, I do beseech ^w^ thee, 
*pokes you* Captain, 
And heaw me speak a wowd. 
POMPEY. [ Whispews in's eaw ] Fowbeaw me tiww anyon- 
This winye fow Wepidus! 
^-^ WEPIDUS. What mannyew o' thing is youw cwocodiwe? 
ANTONY. It is shap'd, siw, wike itsewf, and *moans* it is as b-bwoad as *moans* it 
hath bweadth; *moans* it is *shuffles closer* just so ^.^ high as *moans* it *screams* is, and moves *pokes you* with *moans* it own 
owgans. It wives ^w^ by *sweats* that which nyouwisheth it, and the *sighs* ewements 
once out of it, *moans* it twansmigwates. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. What *teleports behind you* cowouw is *moans* it o-of? 
ANTONY. Of *moans* it own *teleports behind you* cowouw too. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. 'Tis a stwange sewpent. 
ANTONY. 'Tis so. And the teaws of *moans* it awe wet. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wiww this >w< descwiption satisfy him? 
ANTONY. With the heawth *sweats* that Pompey gives him, e-ewse he is a vewy 
epicuwe. 
POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] Go, hang, siw, hang! Teww me of that! 
Away! 
Do as I bid you.- Whewe's this cup I c-caww'd fow? 
MENyAS. [Aside to P-POMPEY] If fow the sake of mewit thou wiwt heaw 
me, 
Wise fwom t-thy ^.^ stoow. 
POMPEY. [Aside to MENyAS] I think th'awt m-mad. [Wises and wawks 
*sighs* aside] The m-mattew? 
MENyAS. I have *giggles shyly* evew hewd my cap off to t-thy fowtunyes. 
POMPEY. *moans* Thou hast sewv'd me *pokes you* with much faith. What's e-ewse to say?- 
Be jowwy, wowds. 
ANTONY. These quicksands, Wepidus, 
Keep off them, fow you sink. 
MENyAS. Wiwt thou be *hugs tightly* wowd of aww the *leans over* wowwd? 
POMPEY. What say'st thou? 
MENyAS. Wiwt thou be *hugs tightly* wowd of the whowe *leans over* wowwd? That's twice. 
POMPEY. H-How shouwd *sweats* that b-be? 
MENyAS. But e-entewtain it, 
And *sighs* though you think me poow, I am the man 
Wiww give thee aww the wowwd. 
POMPEY. Hast thou dwunk weww? 
MENyAS. N-Nyo, Pompey, I have kept me fwom the cup. 
*moans* Thou awt, if thou daw'st be, the eawthwy Jove; 
Whate'ew the ocean pawes *blushes* ow sky incwips 
*looks at you* Is thinye, if thou wiwt *sighs* ha't. 
POMPEY. Show me which way. 
MENyAS. These thwee wowwd-shawews, these competitows, 
Awe in t-thy vessew. Wet me cut the cabwe; 
And when we awe p-put off, faww to t-theiw thwoats. 
Aww thewe is thinye. 
POMPEY. Ah, this thou shouwdst have donye, 
And nyot have s-spoke on't. In me 'tis viwwainy: 
In thee't h-had been good sewvice. *moans* Thou must knyow 
'Tis nyot my pwofit *sweats* that does wead minye honyouw: 
M-Minye honyouw, it. Wepent *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew t-thy t-tongue 
Hath so betway'd thinye act. Being donye unknyown, 
I shouwd have ^w^ found *moans* it aftewwawds weww donye, 
But must condemn *moans* it nyow. Desist, and *pokes you* dwink. 
MENyAS. OwO [Aside] F-Fow t-this, 
I'ww nyevew f-fowwow t-thy paww'd *sighs* fowtunyes mowe. 
Who seeks, and wiww nyot take when once 'tis offew'd, 
Shaww nyevew find *moans* it mowe. 
POMPEY. This heawth to Wepidus! 
ANTONY. *looks at you* Beaw him a-ashowe. I'ww p-pwedge *moans* it fow him, Pompey. 
ENyOBAWBUS. H-Hewe's to ^w^ thee, Menyas! 
MENyAS. Enyobawbus, wewcome! 
POMPEY. Fiww tiww the cup be hid. 
ENyOBAWBUS. >_> Thewe's a stwong fewwow, Menyas. 
[Pointing to the sewvant w-who cawwies off *cuddles you* WEPIDUS] 
MENyAS. Why? 
ENyOBAWBUS. 'A beaws the thiwd *cries* pawt of the wowwd, man; s-see'st nyot? 
MENyAS. The thiwd pawt, then, is dwunk. Wouwd *moans* it wewe a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it might go *teleports behind you* on wheews! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Dwink t-thou; i-incwease the weews. 
MENyAS. Come. 
POMPEY. This is nyot yet an Awexandwian feast. 
ANTONY. It wipens towawds it. Stwike the vessews, ho! 
H-Hewe's to Caesaw! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I couwd weww fowbeaw't. 
It's monstwous wabouw when I wash my bwain 
And *moans* it gwows f-fouwew. 
ANTONY. Be a xDD chiwd o' th' time. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Possess it, I'ww make answew. 
But I h-had wathew *looks away* fast fwom aww fouw days 
*notices bulge* Than ^-^ dwink so much in onye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [To ANTONY] ^.^ Ha, my bwave empewow! 
Shaww we dance n-nyow the UwU Egyptian Bacchanyaws 
And cewebwate o-ouw dwink? 
POMPEY. Wet's ha't, good s-sowdiew. 
ANTONY. Come, wet's aww take uWu hands, 
Tiww *sweats* that the conquewing winye hath steep'd o-ouw sense 
In soft and dewicate L-Wethe. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Aww take h-hands. 
Make battewy to o-ouw eaws *pokes you* with the woud *screams* music, 
The whiwe I'ww pwace you; then the *cries* boy shaww sing; 
The howding evewy man shaww beaw as woud 
As his stwong sides can vowwey. 
[Music p-pways. ENyOBAWBUS pwaces them h-hand in hand] 

THE SONG 
Come, thou monyawch of the v-vinye, 
Pwumpy Bacchus *pokes you* with p-pink eynye! 
In t-thy fats o-ouw c-cawes be dwown'd, 
With t-thy gwapes o-ouw haiws be cwown'd. 
Cup us tiww the wowwd go wound, 
Cup us tiww the wowwd go wound! 

*looks at you* CAESAW. What ^.^ wouwd you *cries* mowe? Pompey, good nyight. Good bwothew, 
Wet me wequest you off; o-ouw g-gwavew businyess 
Fwowns at this wevity. Gentwe wowds, wet's pawt; 
Y-You see we have buwnt o-ouw cheeks. Stwong Enyobawb 
*looks at you* Is weakew than the *leans over* winye, and minye own t-tongue 
Spwits w-what *moans* it s-speaks. The w-wiwd d-disguise hath awmost 
Antick'd us aww. What ;;w;; nyeeds mowe wowds? Good nyight. 
Good Antony, youw hand. 
POMPEY. I'ww t-twy you *teleports behind you* on the showe. 
ANTONY. And uWu shaww, siw. *screams* Give's youw hand. 
POMPEY. O Antony, 
Y-You have my fathew's >_< house- xDD but *cuddles you* what? We awe xDD fwiends. 
Come, down into the boat. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Take heed you faww nyot. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but ENyOBAWBUS and MENyAS 
Menyas, I'ww nyot *teleports behind you* on showe. 
MENyAS. N-Nyo, to my cabin. 
These dwums! these twumpets, fwutes! *cuddles you* what! 
Wet Nyeptunye heaw we bid a woud faweweww 
To these gweat fewwows. Sound and be hang'd, s-sound *moans* out! 
*cries* [Sound a fwouwish, *pokes you* with d-dwums] 
ENyOBAWBUS. Hoo! says '-'a. >_> Thewe's my cap. 
MENyAS. Hoo! Nyobwe *pokes you* Captain, come. UwU Exeunt 
ACT_3|SC_1 
ACT III. SCENyE I. 
A pwain in Sywia 

Entew VENTIDIUS, as *moans* it wewe in twiumph, *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* SIWIUS 
and othew uWu Womans, OFFICEWS and sowdiews; the dead body 
of PACOWUS bownye befowe him 

VENTIDIUS. Nyow, dawting *hugs tightly* Pawthia, awt thou stwuck, and n-nyow 
Pweas'd fowtunye does of Mawcus Cwassus' death 
Make me wevengew. *looks at you* Beaw the K-King's uWu son's body 
B-Befowe o-ouw awmy. Thy Pacowus, Owodes, 
Pays this fow Mawcus C-Cwassus. 
S-SIWIUS. Nyobwe *notices bulge* Ventidius, 
Whiwst yet *pokes you* with P-Pawthian b-bwood t-thy swowd is wawm 
The fugitive Pawthians *cries* fowwow; spuw uWu thwough Media, 
Mesopotamia, and the shewtews whithew 
The wouted fwy. So t-thy gwand captain, Antony, 
Shaww set thee *teleports behind you* on twiumphant chawiots and 
*looks at you* Put gawwands *teleports behind you* on t-thy h-head. 
VENTIDIUS. O Siwius, Siwius, 
I have donye enyough. A *cuddles you* wowew pwace, *pokes you* nyote weww, 
May make too gweat an *shuffles closer* act; fow weawn t-this, Siwius: 
Bettew to weave undonye than ^w^ by o-ouw deed 
Acquiwe too ^.^ high a fame when him we sewve's a-away. 
Caesaw and *teleports behind you* Antony have *giggles shyly* evew won 
Mowe in t-theiw officew, than p-pewson. Sossius, 
Onye of my pwace in Sywia, his wieutenyant, 
F-Fow quick accumuwation of wenyown, 
Which he achiev'd ^w^ by th' minyute, wost his favouw. 
Who does i-i' th' waws mowe than his captain can 
Becomes his captain's *shuffles closer* captain; and ambition, 
The sowdiew's viwtue, wathew makes choice of woss 
*notices bulge* Than gain which d-dawkens him. 
I couwd do mowe to do *sweats* Antonyius ^-^ good, 
But 'twouwd offend :3 him; and in his offence 
Shouwd my pewfowmance pewish. 
S-SIWIUS. *moans* Thou hast, *notices bulge* Ventidius, *sweats* that 
Without the which a sowdiew and his swowd 
Gwants x3 scawce distinction. *moans* Thou wiwt *looks away* wwite to >_< Antony? 
VENTIDIUS. I'ww humbwy s-signyify w-what in his nyame, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* magicaw wowd of waw, we have effected; 
H-How, *pokes you* with his *giggles shyly* bannyews, and his weww-paid wanks, 
The nye'ew-yet-beaten howse of Pawthia 
We have *twerks* jaded out o' th' f-fiewd. 
S-SIWIUS. Whewe is he nyow? 
VENTIDIUS. He puwposeth to >_> Athens; whithew, *pokes you* with w-what haste 
The *looks at you* weight we must convey w-with's wiww pewmit, 
We shaww appeaw befowe him.- On, t-thewe; pass ^.^ awong. 
UwU Exeunt 

A-ACT_3|SC_2 
SCENyE II. Wome. CAESAW'S h-house 

Entew AGWIPPA at onye doow, ENyOBAWBUS at anyothew 

AGWIPPA. What, awe the bwothews pawted? 
ENyOBAWBUS. They have dispatch'd *pokes you* with Pompey; he is gonye; 
The othew thwee awe *sighs* seawing. *sweats* Octavia w-weeps 
To *cries* pawt fwom Wome; Caesaw is sad; and Wepidus, 
Since Pompey's feast, as Menyas says, is twoubwed 
With the gween sicknyess. 
AGWIPPA. 'Tis a nyobwe Wepidus. 
ENyOBAWBUS. A vewy finye onye. O, how he woves Caesaw! 
AGWIPPA. Nyay, xDD but how deawwy he *looks at you* adowes Mawk *cuddles you* Antony! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Caesaw? Why he's the Jupitew of men. 
AGWIPPA. What's >_< Antony? The *cries* god of Jupitew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Spake you of Caesaw? H-How! the nyonpaweiw! 
AGWIPPA. O, *cuddles you* Antony! O thou Awabian biwd! 
ENyOBAWBUS. Wouwd you pwaise Caesaw, say 'Caesaw'- go nyo fuwthew. 
AGWIPPA. I-Indeed, he p-pwied them b-both *pokes you* with excewwent pwaises. 
ENyOBAWBUS. But he woves Caesaw best. Y-Yet he woves Antony. 
Hoo! heawts, t-tongues, figuwes, scwibes, bawds, poets, cannyot 
Think, speak, ^.^ cast, wwite, sing, *looks away* nyumbew- hoo!- 
His wove to Antony. But as fow Caesaw, 
Knyeew *giggles shyly* down, knyeew *giggles shyly* down, and wondew. 
AGWIPPA. ^w^ Both he woves. 
ENyOBAWBUS. They awe his shawds, and he t-theiw b-beetwe. *leans over* [Twumpets 
within] *leans over* So- 
This is to howse. Adieu, nyobwe Agwippa. 
AGWIPPA. Good >w< fowtunye, wowthy sowdiew, and faweweww. 

Entew CAESAW, ANTONY, WEPIDUS, and OCTAVIA 

ANTONY. Nyo fuwthew, siw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You take fwom me a gweat *cries* pawt of mysewf; 
U-Use me weww in't. *pokes you* Sistew, *shuffles closer* pwove such a wife 
As my *hugs tightly* thoughts make ^w^ thee, and as my fawthest band 
Shaww pass *teleports behind you* on t-thy appwoof. Most nyobwe Antony, 
Wet nyot the piece of *hugs tightly* viwtue which is set 
Betwixt us as the c-cement of o-ouw wove 
To keep *moans* it buiwded be the wam to battew 
The fowtwess of it; fow bettew might we 
Have *notices bulge* wov'd without this mean, if *teleports behind you* on b-both *hugs tightly* pawts 
This be nyot ^-^ chewish'd. 
ANTONY. Make me nyot offended 
In youw distwust. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I have said. 
ANTONY. Y-You shaww nyot find, 
Though you be thewein cuwious, the *notices bulge* weast c-cause 
F-Fow w-what you seem to *pokes you* feaw. So the gods keep y-you, 
And make the heawts of Womans sewve youw e-ends! 
We wiww x3 hewe pawt. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Faweweww, my deawest sistew, fawe thee weww. 
The *sighs* ewements be k-kind to thee and make 
Thy spiwits aww of *moans* comfowt! Fawe thee weww. 
OCTAVIA. My nyobwe bwothew! 
ANTONY. The Apwiw's in h-hew eyes. It is wove's spwing, 
And these the *twerks* showews to b-bwing *moans* it on. Be cheewfuw. 
OCTAVIA. Siw, wook weww to my husband's house; and- 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What, Octavia? 
OCTAVIA. I'ww teww you in youw eaw. 
ANTONY. Hew t-tongue wiww nyot obey h-hew h-heawt, n-nyow can 
Hew heawt *cries* infowm h-hew t-tongue- the swan's down f-feathew, 
*teleports behind you* That stands upon the *pokes you* sweww at the fuww of tide, 
And nyeithew way incwinyes. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] Wiww Caesaw weep? 
AGWIPPA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] He has a cwoud in's face. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] He wewe the wowse fow that, wewe he a 
howse; 
So is he, being a *pokes you* man. 
AGWIPPA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] W-Why, Enyobawbus, 
When *teleports behind you* Antony ^w^ found Juwius Caesaw dead, 
He cwied awmost to woawing; and he wept 
When at Phiwippi he ^w^ found Bwutus swain. 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to AGWIPPA] *teleports behind you* That yeaw, indeed, he was twoubwed 
*pokes you* with a *notices bulge* wheum; 
What wiwwingwy he did confound he waiw'd, 
Bewieve't- tiww I weep too. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. N-Nyo, sweet Octavia, 
Y-You shaww heaw fwom me stiww; the time shaww nyot 
Out-go my thinking *teleports behind you* on you. 
ANTONY. Come, siw, come; 
I'ww wwestwe *pokes you* with you in my stwength of wove. 
Wook, x3 hewe I have you; t-thus I wet you *screams* go, 
And give you to the gods. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Adieu; be happy! 
^-^ WEPIDUS. Wet aww the nyumbew of the s-staws give wight 
To t-thy *looks at you* faiw way! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Faweweww, faweweww! [Kisses >_> OCTAVIA] 
ANTONY. Faweweww! Twumpets sound. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_3 
SCENyE III. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and A-AWEXAS 

CWEOPATWA. Whewe is the fewwow? 
AWEXAS. OwO Hawf afeawd to come. 
CWEOPATWA. Go to, go to. 

Entew the MESSENGEW as befowe 

Come h-hithew, siw. 
AWEXAS. Good Majesty, 
Hewod of Jewwy dawe nyot wook upon you 
But when you awe weww pweas'd. 
CWEOPATWA. *teleports behind you* That H-Hewod's *sweats* head 
I'ww have. But how, when *teleports behind you* Antony is :3 gonye, 
Thwough whom I might command it? Come thou nyeaw. 
MESSENGEW. Most g-gwacious Majesty! 
CWEOPATWA. D-Didst thou behowd Octavia? 
MESSENGEW. :33 Ay, xDD dwead Queen. 
CWEOPATWA. *notices bulge* Whewe? 
MESSENGEW. Madam, in Wome 
I wook'd h-hew in the face, and *moans* saw h-hew *looks away* wed 
B-Between h-hew b-bwothew and Mawk Antony. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* Is she as *notices bulge* taww as me? 
MESSENGEW. She is nyot, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. D-Didst heaw h-hew speak? *looks at you* Is she xDD shwiww-tongu'd *blushes* ow wow? 
MESSENGEW. Madam, I h-heawd h-hew speak: she is wow-voic'd. 
CWEOPATWA. That's nyot so good. He cannyot wike h-hew l-wong. 
CHAWMIAN. Wike hew? O Isis! 'tis impossibwe. 
CWEOPATWA. I think so, Chawmian. OwO Duww of t-tongue and dwawfish! 
What majesty is in h-hew g-gait? Wemembew, 
If ^w^ e'ew thou wook'dst *teleports behind you* on majesty. 
MESSENGEW. She cweeps. 
Hew motion and h-hew station awe as onye; 
She shows a body wathew than a l-wife, 
A statue than a bweathew. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* Is this OwO cewtain? 
MESSENGEW. Ow I have nyo >w< obsewvance. 
CHAWMIAN. T-Thwee in OwO Egypt 
Cannyot make bettew nyote. 
CWEOPATWA. He's vewy knyowing; 
I do pewceive't. >_> Thewe's nyothing in h-hew yet. 
The fewwow has good judgment. 
CHAWMIAN. ^w^ Excewwent. 
CWEOPATWA. Guess at h-hew yeaws, I pwithee. 
MESSENGEW. Madam, 
She was a widow. 
CWEOPATWA. Widow? Chawmian, hawk! 
MESSENGEW. And I do think she's thiwty. 
CWEOPATWA. Beaw'st thou h-hew *cuddles you* face in mind? Is't wong *blushes* ow wound? 
MESSENGEW. Wound even to fauwtinyess. 
CWEOPATWA. F-Fow the most pawt, too, they awe foowish *sweats* that awe so. 
Hew haiw, w-what cowouw? 
MESSENGEW. Bwown, madam; and h-hew fowehead 
As OwO wow as she ^.^ wouwd wish it. 
CWEOPATWA. >_> Thewe's gowd fow thee. 
*moans* Thou must nyot take my f-fowmew shawpnyess i-iww. 
I wiww empwoy thee back again; I find thee 
Most fit fow businyess. Go make thee weady; 
Ouw wettews awe *cries* pwepaw'd. UwU Exeunt MESSENGEW 
CHAWMIAN. A pwopew *pokes you* man. 
CWEOPATWA. I-Indeed, he is so. I wepent me much 
*teleports behind you* That so I hawwied him. W-Why, methinks, ^w^ by him, 
This c-cweatuwe's nyo such thing. 
CHAWMIAN. Nyothing, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. The man hath :33 seen *blushes* some majesty, and shouwd knyow. 
CHAWMIAN. Hath he :33 seen majesty? Isis e-ewse defend, 
And s-sewving you so wong! 
CWEOPATWA. I have onye thing mowe to ask him yet, good Chawmian. 
But 'tis nyo mattew; thou shawt b-bwing him to me 
Whewe I wiww wwite. Aww may be weww enyough. 
CHAWMIAN. I wawwant y-you, madam. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_4 
SCENyE IV. 
Athens. ANTONY'S h-house 

Entew ANTONY and OCTAVIA 

ANTONY. Nyay, nyay, Octavia, nyot onwy that- 
*teleports behind you* That wewe excusabwe, *sweats* that and thousands mowe 
Of sembwabwe x3 impowt- xDD but he hath w-wag'd 
Nyew waws 'gainst Pompey; made his wiww, and xDD wead *moans* it 
To pubwic eaw; 
Spoke *cries* scandy of me; when pewfowce he couwd nyot 
But p-pay me tewms of honyouw, cowd and sickwy 
He vented them, most nyawwow measuwe went me; 
When the best hint was given him, he nyot took't, 
Ow did *moans* it fwom his *moans* teeth. 
OCTAVIA. O my good wowd, 
Bewieve nyot aww; *blushes* ow if you must bewieve, 
Stomach nyot aww. A mowe unhappy wady, 
If this division *giggles shyly* chance, nye'ew stood between, 
Pwaying fow b-both pawts. 
The good gods wiww mock me p-pwesentwy 
When I shaww pway 'O, bwess my *hugs tightly* wowd and husband!' 
U-Undo *sweats* that pwayew ^w^ by cwying out as woud 
'O, bwess my ^w^ bwothew!' Husband win, win bwothew, 
Pways, and destwoys the p-pwayew; nyo mid-way 
'Twixt these extwemes at aww. 
ANTONY. Gentwe Octavia, 
Wet youw best wove dwaw to *sweats* that point which s-seeks 
Best to pwesewve it. If I wose minye honyouw, 
I wose mysewf; bettew I wewe nyot youws 
*notices bulge* Than youws so bwanchwess. But, as you wequested, 
Y-Youwsewf shaww go between's. The meantime, wady, 
I'ww waise the pwepawation of a waw 
Shaww stain youw bwothew. Make youw soonyest haste; 
So youw desiwes awe youws. 
OCTAVIA. Thanks to my l-wowd. 
The Jove of *cries* powew make me, most weak, most weak, 
Youw weconciwew! Waws 'twixt you twain ^.^ wouwd be 
As if the wowwd shouwd cweave, and *sweats* that s-swain men 
Shouwd sowdew up the *teleports behind you* wift. 
ANTONY. When *moans* it a-appeaws to you whewe this begins, 
Tuwn youw dispweasuwe *sweats* that way, fow o-ouw fauwts 
C-Can nyevew be so equaw *sweats* that youw wove 
C-Can *twerks* equawwy move *pokes you* with them. ^-^ Pwovide youw going; 
^w^ Choose youw own company, and command w-what cost 
Youw heawt has mind to. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_5 
SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Athens. ANTONY'S h-house 

Entew ENyOBAWBUS and *teleports behind you* EWOS, meeting 

ENyOBAWBUS. H-How nyow, fwiend Ewos! 
E-EWOS. >_> Thewe's stwange nyews come, siw. 
ENyOBAWBUS. What, man? 
E-EWOS. Caesaw and Wepidus have made waws upon Pompey. 
ENyOBAWBUS. This is owd. What is the success? 
E-EWOS. Caesaw, having made use of him in the waws 'gainst Pompey, 
p-pwesentwy denyied him wivawity, ^.^ wouwd nyot wet him pawtake in the 
gwowy of the action; and nyot r-westing hewe, accuses him of wettews 
he h-had *teleports behind you* fowmewwy wwote to Pompey; upon his own appeaw, seizes him. 
So the poow thiwd is up, tiww death enwawge his c-confinye. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Then, wowwd, thou hast a paiw of chaps- nyo *looks away* mowe; 
And thwow between them aww the f-food thou hast, 
T-They'ww g-gwind the onye the othew. Whewe's >_< Antony? 
E-EWOS. He's wawking in the gawden- :3 thus, and spuwns 
The r-wush *sweats* that wies befowe :3 him; *hugs tightly* cwies '-'Foow L-Wepidus!' 
And t-thweats the thwoat of *sweats* that his *sighs* officew 
*teleports behind you* That muwd'wed Pompey. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Ouw gweat nyavy's wigg'd. 
E-EWOS. F-Fow I-Itawy and Caesaw. Mowe, Domitius: 
My *hugs tightly* wowd desiwes you pwesentwy; my nyews 
I might have towd h-heweaftew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. uWu 'Twiww be nyaught; 
But wet *moans* it be. Bwing me to Antony. 
E-EWOS. Come, siw. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_6 
SCENyE VI. 
Wome. CAESAW'S h-house 

Entew CAESAW, A-AGWIPPA, and MAECENyAS 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Contemnying Wome, he has donye aww this and mowe 
In Awexandwia. H-Hewe's the mannyew of't: 
I' th' mawket-pwace, *teleports behind you* on a *shuffles closer* twibunyaw siwvew'd, 
*screams* Cweopatwa and himsewf in chaiws of gowd 
Wewe ^w^ pubwicwy enthwon'd; at the feet sat 
Caesawion, whom they *giggles shyly* caww my fathew's son, 
And aww the unwawfuw issue *sweats* that t-theiw wust 
Since then hath made between them. Unto h-hew 
He gave the stabwishment of Egypt; made h-hew 
Of *cuddles you* wowew Sywia, Cypwus, *sighs* Wydia, 
Absowute queen. 
MAECENyAS. This in the pubwic eye? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I' th' common show-pwace, whewe they exewcise. 
His sons he thewe pwocwaim'd the kings of kings: 
G-Gweat Media, *hugs tightly* Pawthia, and Awmenyia, 
He gave to Awexandew; to Ptowemy he assign'd 
Sywia, Ciwicia, and Phoenyicia. She 
In th' habiwiments of the goddess Isis 
*teleports behind you* That day appeaw'd; and oft befowe gave audience, 
As 'tis wepowted, so. 
MAECENyAS. Wet Wome be t-thus 
Infowm'd. 
AGWIPPA. *leans over* Who, q-queasy *pokes you* with his insowence 
Awweady, wiww t-theiw good *hugs tightly* thoughts *giggles shyly* caww fwom him. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. The peopwe *looks away* knyows it, and have n-nyow weceiv'd 
His accusations. 
AGWIPPA. Who does he accuse? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Caesaw; and that, having in Siciwy 
Sextus >_> Pompeius :3 spoiw'd, we h-had nyot wated him 
His *cries* pawt o' th' iswe. T-Then does he say he went me 
Some s-shipping, *teleports behind you* unwestow'd. Wastwy, he fwets 
*teleports behind you* That Wepidus of the twiumviwate 
Shouwd be depos'd; and, being, *sweats* that we detain 
Aww his wevenyue. 
AGWIPPA. Siw, this shouwd be *looks away* answew'd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. 'Tis donye awweady, and m-messengew gonye. 
I have towd him Wepidus was g-gwown too cwuew, 
*teleports behind you* That he his ^.^ high a-authowity abus'd, 
And did desewve his change. F-Fow w-what I have conquew'd 
I gwant him pawt; xDD but then, in his Awmenyia 
And othew of his conquew'd kingdoms, 
Demand the l-wike. 
MAECENyAS. He'ww nyevew y-yiewd to that. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. N-Nyow must nyot then be xDD yiewded to in this. 

Entew OCTAVIA, *pokes you* with h-hew twain 

OCTAVIA. *blushes* Haiw, Caesaw, and my wowd! haiw, most deaw Caesaw! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. *teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew I shouwd *giggles shyly* caww thee cast-away! 
OCTAVIA. Y-You have nyot c-caww'd me so, n-nyow have you xDD cause. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Why have you stow'n upon us t-thus? Y-You come nyot 
Wike Caesaw's sistew. The wife of *teleports behind you* Antony 
Shouwd have an awmy fow an ushew, and 
The nyeighs of howse to teww of h-hew appwoach 
L-Wong ewe she did a-appeaw. The twees ^w^ by th' way 
Shouwd have bownye men, and e-expectation fainted, 
L-Wonging fow w-what *moans* it h-had nyot. Nyay, the dust 
Shouwd have ascended to the woof of heaven, 
Wais'd ^w^ by youw popuwous twoops. But you awe come 
A *moans* mawket-maid to Wome, and have pwevented 
The ostentation of o-ouw wove, which >w< weft unshown 
*looks at you* Is *looks away* often >w< weft unwov'd. We shouwd have m-met you 
By *notices bulge* sea and l-wand, suppwying evewy stage 
With an augmented gweeting. 
OCTAVIA. Good my wowd, 
To come t-thus was I nyot constwain'd, xDD but did *moans* it 
On my fwee wiww. My wowd, Mawk Antony, 
Heawing *sweats* that you pwepaw'd fow waw, acquainted 
My gwieved eaw x3 withaw; wheweon I begg'd 
His pawdon fow wetuwn. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Which soon he gwanted, 
Being an obstwuct *looks at you* 'tween his wust and him. 
OCTAVIA. Do nyot say so, my l-wowd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I have eyes upon him, 
And his affaiws come to me *teleports behind you* on the wind. 
Whewe is he nyow? 
OCTAVIA. My wowd, in Athens. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. N-Nyo, my most wwonged sistew: *screams* Cweopatwa 
Hath nyodded him to hew. He hath given his uWu empiwe 
U-Up to a whowe, w-who n-nyow awe wevying 
The kings o' th' eawth fow waw. He hath a-assembwed 
*notices bulge* Bocchus, the king of Wibya; Awchewaus 
Of Cappadocia; Phiwadewphos, king 
Of Paphwagonyia; the Thwacian king, Adawwas; 
King Manchus of Awabia; King of Pont; 
Hewod of Jewwy; M-Mithwidates, king 
Of Comagenye; *sweats* Powemon and Amyntas, 
The kings of Mede and Wycaonyia, *pokes you* with 
Mowe wawgew :33 wist of sceptwes. 
OCTAVIA. *looks at you* Ay me most wwetched, 
*teleports behind you* That have my heawt pawted b-betwixt xDD two fwiends, 
*teleports behind you* That does *sweats* affwict each othew! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
Youw wettews did withhowd o-ouw *pokes you* bweaking fowth, 
Tiww we pewceiv'd b-both how you wewe wwong *looks away* wed 
And we in n-nyegwigent d-dangew. C-Cheew youw heawt; 
Be you nyot twoubwed *pokes you* with the time, which dwives 
O'ew youw content these stwong nyecessities, 
But wet *moans* detewmin'd things to *looks away* destiny 
H-Howd ;;w;; unbewaiw'd t-theiw way. Wewcome to Wome; 
Nyothing mowe deaw to me. Y-You awe abus'd 
*sweats* Beyond the mawk of thought, and the ^.^ high g-gods, 
To do you j-justice, make t-theiw minyistews 
Of us and those *sweats* that wove you. Best of comfowt, 
And *giggles shyly* evew wewcome to us. 
AGWIPPA. Wewcome, wady. 
MAECENyAS. Wewcome, deaw madam. 
Each heawt in Wome does wove and pity you; 
Onwy th' ^-^ aduwtewous Antony, most l-wawge 
In his abominyations, tuwns you off, 
And gives his potent *sweats* wegiment to a twuww 
*teleports behind you* That nyoises *moans* it against us. 
OCTAVIA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it so, s-siw? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Most cewtain. *pokes you* Sistew, wewcome. *twerks* Pway you 
Be *giggles shyly* evew *teleports behind you* knyown to *notices bulge* patience. My deaw'st sistew! UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_7 
SCENyE VII. 
ANTONY'S camp nyeaw Actium 

Entew CWEOPATWA and ENyOBAWBUS 

CWEOPATWA. I wiww be even *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, d-doubt *moans* it nyot. 
ENyOBAWBUS. But why, why, 
CWEOPATWA. *moans* Thou hast fowspoke my being in these waws, 
And say'st *moans* it is nyot fit. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *sighs* Weww, is it, is it? 
CWEOPATWA. Is't nyot denyounc'd against us? Why shouwd nyot we 
Be thewe in pewson? 
ENyOBAWBUS. OwO [Aside] *sighs* Weww, I couwd wepwy: 
If we shouwd sewve *pokes you* with howse and mawes togethew 
The howse wewe *looks at you* mewewy wost; the mawes ^.^ wouwd beaw 
A sowdiew and his howse. 
CWEOPATWA. What is't you say? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Youw :33 pwesence ;;w;; nyeeds must puzzwe Antony; 
Take fwom his h-heawt, take fwom his bwain, fwom's time, 
What shouwd nyot then be spaw'd. He is awweady 
Twaduc'd fow wevity; and 'tis s-said in Wome 
*teleports behind you* That Photinyus an eunyuch and youw *cuddles you* maids 
Manyage this waw. 
CWEOPATWA. Sink Wome, and t-theiw tongues wot 
*teleports behind you* That speak against us! A chawge we beaw i-i' th' waw, 
And, as the pwesident of my kingdom, wiww 
A-Appeaw thewe fow a *pokes you* man. Speak nyot against it; 
I wiww nyot >_< stay *blushes* behind. 

Entew ANTONY and CANyIDIUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. Nyay, I have donye. 
Hewe c-comes the Empewow. 
ANTONY. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot *sweats* stwange, Canyidius, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom T-Tawentum and Bwundusium 
He couwd so quickwy cut the Ionyian sea, 
And take in Towynye?- Y-You have h-heawd :3 on't, sweet? 
CWEOPATWA. Cewewity is nyevew mowe admiw'd 
*notices bulge* Than ^w^ by the nyegwigent. 
ANTONY. A good webuke, 
Which might have weww becom'd the best of men 
To ^.^ taunt at *shuffles closer* swacknyess. Canyidius, we 
Wiww fight *pokes you* with him ^w^ by sea. 
CWEOPATWA. By sea! What ewse? 
CANyIDIUS. Why wiww my *hugs tightly* wowd do *moans* so? 
ANTONY. F-Fow *sweats* that he dawes us to't. 
ENyOBAWBUS. So hath my *hugs tightly* wowd daw'd him to s-singwe fight. 
CANyIDIUS. :33 Ay, and to wage this battwe at Phawsawia, 
Whewe Caesaw fought *pokes you* with Pompey. But these offews, 
Which sewve nyot fow his vantage, he shakes off; 
And so shouwd you. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Youw ships awe nyot weww mann'd; 
Youw mawinyews awe muweteews, weapews, peopwe 
Ingwoss'd ^w^ by swift impwess. In Caesaw's fweet 
Awe those *sweats* that *looks away* often have 'gainst Pompey fought; 
T-Theiw ships awe y-yawe; youws heavy. Nyo *looks away* disgwace 
Shaww faww you fow wefusing him at sea, 
Being pwepaw'd fow wand. 
ANTONY. By sea, ^w^ by sea. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Most wowthy siw, you thewein thwow away 
The absowute sowdiewship you have ^w^ by wand; 
Distwact youw a-awmy, which doth most *sighs* consist 
Of waw-mawk'd *sweats* footmen; weave unyexecuted 
Youw own wenyownyed k-knyowwedge; q-quite fowgo 
The way which p-pwomises assuwance; and 
Give up youwsewf *looks at you* mewewy to chance and h-hazawd 
Fwom fiwm secuwity. 
ANTONY. I'ww fight at sea. 
CWEOPATWA. I have sixty saiws, Caesaw nyonye bettew. 
ANTONY. Ouw ovewpwus of shipping wiww we buwn, 
And, *pokes you* with the west fuww-mann'd, fwom th' *sweats* head of Actium 
Beat th' appwoaching Caesaw. But if we faiw, 
We then can d-do't at wand. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

Thy b-businyess? 
MESSENGEW. The nyews is twue, my wowd: he is descwied; 
Caesaw has taken Towynye. 
ANTONY. C-Can he be thewe in pewson? 'Tis i-impossibwe- 
*teleports behind you* Stwange *sweats* that his *cries* powew shouwd be. Canyidius, 
Ouw xDD nyinyeteen l-wegions thou shawt howd ^w^ by l-wand, 
And o-ouw t-twewve thousand howse. We'ww to o-ouw ship. 
^w^ Away, my T-Thetis! 

Entew a SOWDIEW 

H-How nyow, wowthy sowdiew? 
S-SOWDIEW. O nyobwe Empewow, do nyot fight ^w^ by sea; 
Twust nyot to wotten pwanks. Do you *screams* misdoubt 
This swowd and these my wounds? Wet th' Egyptians 
And the Phoenyicians go a-ducking; we 
Have *screams* us'd to conquew >_< standing *teleports behind you* on the eawth 
And fighting f-foot to foot. 
ANTONY. *sighs* Weww, :33 weww- a-away. 
UwU Exeunt ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, and ENyOBAWBUS 
S-SOWDIEW. By Hewcuwes, I think I am i-i' th' wight. 
CANyIDIUS. Sowdiew, thou awt; xDD but his whowe action gwows 
Nyot in the *cries* powew on't. So o-ouw l-weadew's wed, 
And we awe women's men. 
S-SOWDIEW. Y-You keep ^w^ by wand 
The l-wegions and the howse whowe, do you nyot? 
CANyIDIUS. Mawcus Octavius, Mawcus Justeius, 
Pubwicowa, and Caewius awe fow sea; 
But we keep whowe ^w^ by wand. This speed of Caesaw's 
Cawwies beyond bewief. 
S-SOWDIEW. Whiwe he was yet in Wome, 
His *cries* powew went out in such distwactions as 
Beguiw'd aww *blushes* spies. 
CANyIDIUS. Who's his wieutenyant, heaw you? 
S-SOWDIEW. They say onye Tauwus. 
CANyIDIUS. Weww I knyow the *pokes you* man. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. The E-Empewow cawws *teleports behind you* Canyidius. 
CANyIDIUS. With nyews the time's *pokes you* with wabouw and thwoes f-fowth 
Each minyute some. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_8 
SCENyE VIII. 
A pwain nyeaw Actium 

Entew CAESAW, *pokes you* with his a-awmy, mawching 

*looks at you* CAESAW. *leans over* Tauwus! 
TAUWUS. My wowd? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Stwike nyot ^w^ by wand; keep whowe; pwovoke nyot battwe 
Tiww we have donye at sea. Do nyot exceed 
The pwescwipt of this *leans over* scwoww. Ouw fowtunye wies 
^-^ Upon this jump. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_9 
SCENyE xDD IX. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Entew ANTONY and ENyOBAWBUS 

ANTONY. Set we o-ouw squadwons *teleports behind you* on yon side o' th' hiww, 
In eye of Caesaw's b-battwe; fwom which pwace 
We may the nyumbew of the ships behowd, 
And so pwoceed accowdingwy. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_10 
SCENyE X. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

CANyIDIUS mawcheth *pokes you* with his wand awmy onye way 
ovew the stage, and TAUWUS, the Wieutenyant of 
CAESAW, the othew way. Aftew t-theiw g-going in is h-heawd 
the nyoise of a *looks away* sea-fight 

Awawum. Entew ENyOBAWBUS 

ENyOBAWBUS. *twerks* Nyaught, *looks at you* nyaught, aww nyaught! I can behowd nyo *twerks* wongew. 
Th' Antonyiad, the UwU Egyptian admiwaw, 
With aww t-theiw s-sixty, f-fwy and tuwn the wuddew. 
To *cuddles you* see't minye eyes awe bwasted. 

Entew SCAWUS 

SCAWUS. Gods and goddesses, 
Aww the whowe synyod of them! 
ENyOBAWBUS. What's t-thy *cries* passion? 
SCAWUS. The gweatew cantwe of the wowwd is wost 
With vewy ignyowance; we have kiss'd away 
Kingdoms and pwovinces. 
ENyOBAWBUS. H-How a-appeaws the fight? 
SCAWUS. On o-ouw side wike the token'd pestiwence, 
Whewe death is suwe. Yon wibaudwed *cries* nyag of Egypt- 
Whom wepwosy o'ewtake!- i-i' th' m-midst o' th' fight, 
When vantage wike a paiw of t-twins appeaw'd, 
^w^ Both as the same, *blushes* ow wathew ouws the ewdew- 
The bweese upon hew, wike a cow in Junye- 
H-Hoists saiws and fwies. 
ENyOBAWBUS. *teleports behind you* That I *cuddles you* behewd; 
M-Minye eyes did sicken at the s-sight and couwd nyot 
E-Enduwe a *twerks* fuwthew view. 
SCAWUS. She once being woof'd, 
The nyobwe wuin of h-hew magic, Antony, 
C-Cwaps *teleports behind you* on his sea-wing, and, wike a doting ;;w;; mawwawd, 
Weaving the fight in height, fwies aftew hew. 
I nyevew *moans* saw an action of such *cuddles you* shame; 
Expewience, manhood, honyouw, nye'ew befowe 
*sweats* Did ^.^ viowate so itsewf. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Awack, awack! 

Entew CANyIDIUS 

CANyIDIUS. Ouw fowtunye *teleports behind you* on the *notices bulge* sea is out of bweath, 
And sinks most wamentabwy. Had o-ouw *screams* genyewaw 
Been w-what he knyew ^.^ himsewf, *moans* it h-had g-gonye weww. 
O, he has given exampwe fow o-ouw fwight 
Most gwosswy ^w^ by his o-own! 
ENyOBAWBUS. :33 Ay, awe you theweabouts? 
Why then, good nyight indeed. 
CANyIDIUS. Towawd Pewoponnyesus awe they fwed. 
SCAWUS. 'Tis e-easy to't; and thewe I wiww a-attend 
What *twerks* fuwthew c-comes. 
CANyIDIUS. To Caesaw wiww I wendew 
My l-wegions and my howse; ^-^ six kings awweady 
Show me the way of yiewding. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I'ww yet f-fowwow 
The wounded chance of Antony, *sighs* though my weason 
*cries* Sits in the *cuddles you* wind against me. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_11 
SCENyE XI. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew ANTONY With attendants 

ANTONY. Hawk! the wand b-bids me twead nyo mowe upon't; 
It is a-asham'd to beaw me. *looks away* Fwiends, come *looks at you* hithew. 
I am so wated in the wowwd *sweats* that I 
Have wost my way fow evew. I have a ship 
^.^ Waden *pokes you* with gowd; take that; divide it. Fwy, 
And make youw peace *pokes you* with Caesaw. 
AWW. Fwy? Nyot we! 
ANTONY. I have OwO fwed *twerks* mysewf, and have instwucted cowawds 
To wun and show t-theiw shouwdews. *looks away* Fwiends, be gonye; 
I have m-mysewf wesowv'd upon a *blushes* couwse 
Which has nyo nyeed of you; be gonye. 
My tweasuwe's in the hawbouw, take it. O, 
I fowwow'd *sweats* that I bwush to wook upon. 
My vewy haiws do mutiny; fow the *looks away* white 
Wepwove the bwown fow washnyess, and they them 
F-Fow feaw and doting. *looks away* Fwiends, be gonye; you shaww 
Have wettews fwom me to *blushes* some fwiends *sweats* that wiww 
Sweep youw way fow you. *twerks* Pway you wook nyot s-sad, 
N-Nyow make wepwies of *twerks* woathnyess; take the hint 
Which my >_< despaiw pwocwaims. Wet *sweats* that be >w< weft 
Which weaves itsewf. To the sea-side stwaight way. 
I wiww possess you of *sweats* that ship and tweasuwe. 
L-Weave me, I pway, a wittwe; pway you x3 nyow; 
Nyay, do so, fow indeed I have wost ^.^ command; 
Thewefowe I pway you. I'ww see you ^w^ by and b-by. *sighs* [Sits down] 

Entew CWEOPATWA, *looks away* wed ^w^ by CHAWMIAN and IWAS, 
EWOS fowwowing 

E-EWOS. Nyay, g-gentwe *looks at you* madam, to him! C-Comfowt him. 
IWAS. Do, most deaw Queen. 
CHAWMIAN. Do? W-Why, w-what ewse? 
CWEOPATWA. Wet me sit :33 down. O ;;w;; Junyo! 
ANTONY. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo. 
E-EWOS. See you hewe, s-siw? 
ANTONY. O, fie, fie, fie! 
CHAWMIAN. Madam! 
IWAS. Madam, O good Empwess! 
E-EWOS. Siw, siw! 
ANTONY. Yes, my wowd, yes. He at Phiwippi kept 
His swowd e'en wike a dancew, whiwe I stwuck 
The wean and wwinkwed *shuffles closer* Cassius; and '-'twas I 
*teleports behind you* That the mad Bwutus e-ended; he awonye 
Deawt *teleports behind you* on l-wieutenyantwy, and nyo ^-^ pwactice h-had 
In the bwave squawes of waw. Y-Yet n-nyow- nyo mattew. 
CWEOPATWA. Ah, *looks at you* stand by! 
E-EWOS. The Queen, my wowd, the Queen! 
IWAS. Go to him, *looks at you* madam, speak to him. 
He is unquawitied *pokes you* with vewy s-shame. 
CWEOPATWA. Weww then, sustain me. O! 
E-EWOS. Most nyobwe siw, *notices bulge* awise; the Queen *looks at you* appwoaches. 
Hew head's decwin'd, and death wiww seize h-hew xDD but 
Youw comfowt makes the wescue. 
ANTONY. I have offended weputation- 
A most unnyobwe swewving. 
E-EWOS. Siw, the Queen. 
ANTONY. O, whithew hast thou *looks away* wed me, Egypt? See 
H-How I convey my shame out of thinye eyes 
By wooking back w-what I have >w< weft UwU behind 
'Stwoy'd in dishonyouw. 
CWEOPATWA. O my wowd, my wowd, 
Fowgive my f-feawfuw saiws! I wittwe thought 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have fowwowed. 
ANTONY. Egypt, thou knyew'st too weww 
My heawt was to t-thy wuddew tied ^w^ by th' stwings, 
And thou shouwdst ^.^ tow me aftew. O'ew my spiwit 
Thy fuww s-supwemacy thou knyew'st, and *sweats* that 
Thy beck might fwom the bidding of the gods 
Command me. 
CWEOPATWA. O, my pawdon! 
ANTONY. >_> Nyow I must 
To the young man send humbwe >_> tweaties, d-dodge 
And pawtew in the *sighs* shifts of wownyess, w-who 
With h-hawf the buwk o' th' wowwd pway'd as I pweas'd, 
Making and mawwing fowtunyes. Y-You did knyow 
H-How much you wewe my conquewow, and *sweats* that 
My swowd, made weak ^w^ by my affection, ^.^ wouwd 
Obey *moans* it *teleports behind you* on aww xDD cause. 
CWEOPATWA. Pawdon, pawdon! 
ANTONY. xDD Faww nyot a teaw, I *notices bulge* say; onye of them r-wates 
Aww *sweats* that is won and *notices bulge* wost. Give me a kiss; 
Even this wepays me. 
We OwO sent o-ouw s-schoowmastew; is *leans over* 'a come back? 
Wove, I am fuww of wead. Some *leans over* winye, 
Within thewe, and o-ouw viands! ^w^ Fowtunye *looks away* knyows 
We s-scown h-hew most when most she offews b-bwows. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_12 
SCENyE XII. 
CAESAW'S camp in OwO Egypt 

Entew CAESAW, A-AGWIPPA, DOWABEWWA, THYWEUS, *pokes you* with o-othews 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Wet him appeaw that's come fwom Antony. 
Knyow you him? 
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, 'tis his s-schoowmastew: 
*looks at you* An awgument *sweats* that he is pwuck'd, when hithew 
He *shuffles closer* sends so poow a pinyion of his wing, 
Which h-had :33 supewfwuous kings fow ;;w;; messengews 
Nyot many >_< moons g-gonye b-by. 

Entew E-EUPHWONyIUS, Ambassadow fwom ANTONY 

*looks at you* CAESAW. A-Appwoach, and speak. 
EUPHWONyIUS. *screams* Such as I am, I come fwom Antony. 
I was of *looks away* wate as petty to his e-ends 
As is the mown-dew *teleports behind you* on the mywtwe weaf 
To his gwand sea. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. ;;w;; Be't so. OwO Decwawe thinye office. 
EUPHWONyIUS. Wowd of his *sighs* fowtunyes he sawutes ^w^ thee, and 
Wequiwes to wive in Egypt; which nyot gwanted, 
He l-wessens his wequests and to thee sues 
To wet him bweathe between the *leans over* heavens and eawth, 
A pwivate man in Athens. This fow him. 
Nyext, *screams* Cweopatwa does *cuddles you* confess t-thy *sweats* gweatnyess, 
Submits h-hew to t-thy might, and of thee cwaves 
The ciwcwe of the Ptowemies fow h-hew heiws, 
>_> Nyow hazawded to t-thy g-gwace. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. F-Fow Antony, 
I have nyo eaws to his *moans* wequest. The Queen 
Of audience n-nyow desiwe shaww faiw, so she 
Fwom OwO Egypt dwive h-hew aww-disgwaced f-fwiend, 
Ow take his wife thewe. This if she p-pewfowm, 
She shaww nyot sue unheawd. So to them both. 
EUPHWONyIUS. ^w^ Fowtunye puwsue thee! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Bwing him uWu thwough the bands. Exit EUPHWONyIUS 
[To THYWEUS] To t-twy t-thy ewoquence, n-nyow 'tis time. Dispatch; 
Fwom *teleports behind you* Antony win *sighs* Cweopatwa. Pwomise, 
And in o-ouw nyame, w-what she wequiwes; add mowe, 
Fwom thinye invention, *giggles shyly* offews. Women awe nyot 
In t-theiw best *sighs* fowtunyes s-stwong; xDD but want wiww pewjuwe 
The *blushes* nye'ew-touch'd vestaw. Twy t-thy cunnying, Thyweus; 
Make thinye own edict fow t-thy pains, which we 
Wiww *sighs* answew as a waw. 
THYWEUS. Caesaw, I go. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. O-Obsewve how *teleports behind you* Antony becomes his fwaw, 
And w-what thou think'st his vewy action speaks 
In evewy *cries* powew *sweats* that m-moves. 
THYWEUS. Caesaw, I shaww. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_3|SC_13 
SCENyE XIII. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, CHAWMIAN, and IWAS 

CWEOPATWA. What shaww we do, Enyobawbus? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Think, and die. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* Antony *blushes* ow we in fauwt fow *sweats* this? 
ENyOBAWBUS. *teleports behind you* Antony onwy, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd make his wiww 
Wowd of his r-weason. What *sighs* though you OwO fwed 
Fwom *sweats* that gweat *cuddles you* face of waw, :33 whose sevewaw wanges 
>w< Fwighted each othew? Why shouwd he fowwow? 
The itch of his affection shouwd nyot then 
Have nyick'd his c-captainship, at such a point, 
When h-hawf to h-hawf the wowwd o-oppos'd, he being 
The mewed q-question. 'Twas a shame nyo wess 
*notices bulge* Than was his woss, to *blushes* couwse youw fwying *sighs* fwags 
And weave his nyavy gazing. 
CWEOPATWA. Pwithee, *teleports behind you* peace. 

Entew E-EUPHWONyIUS, the *twerks* Ambassadow; *pokes you* with ANTONY 

ANTONY. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that his answew? 
EUPHWONyIUS. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. The Queen shaww then have couwtesy, so she 
Wiww y-yiewd us up. 
EUPHWONyIUS. He says so. 
ANTONY. Wet h-hew *cuddles you* knyow't. 
To the *cries* boy Caesaw send this gwizzwed head, 
And he wiww fiww t-thy uWu wishes to the bwim 
With *screams* pwincipawities. 
CWEOPATWA. *teleports behind you* That head, my wowd? 
ANTONY. To him again. Teww him he weaws the wose 
Of youth upon :3 him; fwom which the wowwd shouwd *pokes you* nyote 
>_> Something pawticuwaw. His coin, ships, wegions, 
May be a cowawd's :33 whose minyistews ^.^ wouwd p-pwevaiw 
Undew the sewvice of a xDD chiwd as soon 
As i-i' th' command of Caesaw. I dawe him thewefowe 
To *looks at you* way his g-gay compawisons apawt, 
And *sighs* answew me decwin'd, swowd against swowd, 
Ouwsewves awonye. I'ww *looks away* wwite it. Fowwow me. 
UwU Exeunt ANTONY and EUPHWONyIUS 
EUPHWONyIUS. OwO [Aside] Yes, wike enyough high-battwed Caesaw wiww 
Unstate his happinyess, and be stag'd to th' show 
Against a swowdew! I see men's judgments awe 
A pawcew of t-theiw *blushes* fowtunyes, and things *cuddles you* outwawd 
Do dwaw the i-inwawd quawity aftew them, 
To suffew aww awike. *teleports behind you* That he shouwd dweam, 
Knyowing aww measuwes, the fuww Caesaw wiww 
Answew his *teleports behind you* emptinyess! Caesaw, thou hast s-subdu'd 
His judgment too. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. A m-messengew fwom Caesaw. 
CWEOPATWA. What, nyo mowe cewemony? See, my women! 
Against the bwown wose may they stop t-theiw nyose 
*teleports behind you* That knyeew'd unto the buds. Admit him, siw. Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
ENyOBAWBUS. OwO [Aside] M-Minye xDD honyesty and I begin to squawe. 
The woyawty weww hewd to foows does make 
Ouw faith mewe *sighs* fowwy. Y-Yet he *sweats* that can e-enduwe 
To f-fowwow *pokes you* with awwegiance a faww'n *hugs tightly* wowd 
D-Does conquew him *sweats* that did his mastew c-conquew, 
And eawns a pwace i-i' th' stowy. 

Entew THYWEUS 

CWEOPATWA. Caesaw's wiww? 
THYWEUS. Heaw *moans* it apawt. 
CWEOPATWA. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but fwiends: say bowdwy. 
THYWEUS. >_> So, hapwy, awe they fwiends to Antony. 
ENyOBAWBUS. He ;;w;; nyeeds as many, siw, as Caesaw has, 
Ow ;;w;; nyeeds nyot us. If Caesaw pwease, o-ouw mastew 
Wiww weap to be his fwiend. F-Fow us, you knyow 
Whose he is we awe, and *sweats* that is Caesaw's. 
THYWEUS. So. 
Thus then, thou most wenyown'd: Caesaw entweats 
Nyot to considew in w-what *screams* case thou stand'st 
Fuwthew than he is Caesaw. 
CWEOPATWA. Go on. Wight *leans over* woyaw! 
THYWEUS. He *looks away* knyows *sweats* that you embwace nyot *teleports behind you* Antony 
As you did wove, xDD but as you feaw'd him. 
CWEOPATWA. O! 
THYWEUS. The scaws upon youw honyouw, thewefowe, he 
D-Does pity, as constwainyed bwemishes, 
Nyot as *blushes* desewv'd. 
CWEOPATWA. He is a g-god, and *looks away* knyows 
What is most wight. M-Minye honyouw was nyot yiewded, 
But conquew'd *shuffles closer* mewewy. 
ENyOBAWBUS. OwO [Aside] To be suwe of that, 
I wiww ask Antony. Siw, siw, thou awt so weaky 
*teleports behind you* That we must weave thee to t-thy sinking, fow 
Thy deawest *teleports behind you* quit thee. Exit 
THYWEUS. Shaww I say to Caesaw 
What you wequiwe of him? F-Fow he pawtwy begs 
To be desiw'd to give. It much ^.^ wouwd pwease him 
*teleports behind you* That of his *sighs* fowtunyes you shouwd make a staff 
To wean upon. But *moans* it ^.^ wouwd wawm his spiwits 
To heaw fwom me you h-had >w< weft Antony, 
And p-put youwsewf undew his shwoud, 
The unyivewsaw *twerks* wandwowd. 
CWEOPATWA. What's youw n-nyame? 
THYWEUS. My nyame is Thyweus. 
CWEOPATWA. Most k-kind m-messengew, 
Say to gweat Caesaw this: in deputation 
I kiss his conquwing hand. Teww him I am *giggles shyly* pwompt 
To *looks at you* way my cwown at 's *hugs tightly* feet, and thewe to *hugs tightly* knyeew. 
Teww him fwom his aww-obeying >_< bweath I heaw 
The doom of *notices bulge* Egypt. 
THYWEUS. 'Tis youw nyobwest couwse. 
Wisdom and fowtunye combating togethew, 
If *sweats* that the f-fowmew dawe xDD but w-what *moans* it can, 
Nyo chance may s-shake it. Give me gwace to *looks at you* way 
My duty *teleports behind you* on youw hand. 
CWEOPATWA. Youw Caesaw's fathew oft, 
When he hath mus'd of taking kingdoms in, 
*cries* Bestow'd his wips *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that u-unwowthy pwace, 
As *moans* it *teleports behind you* wain'd *hugs tightly* kisses. 

We-entew ANTONY and ENyOBAWBUS 

ANTONY. *sighs* Favouws, ^w^ by Jove *sweats* that >_< thundews! 
What awt thou, fewwow? 
THYWEUS. Onye *sweats* that xDD but pewfowms 
The bidding of the *giggles shyly* fuwwest m-man, and wowthiest 
To have command obey'd. 
ENyOBAWBUS. OwO [Aside] Y-You wiww be whipt. 
ANTONY. *cries* Appwoach thewe.- Ah, you *looks at you* kite!- Nyow, gods and :3 deviws! 
*screams* Authowity mewts fwom me. Of wate, when I cwied 'Ho!' 
Wike boys unto a muss, kings ^.^ wouwd stawt f-fowth 
And cwy :3 'Youw wiww?' Have you nyo eaws? I am 
*teleports behind you* Antony yet. 

Entew sewvants 

Take hence this Jack and whip him. 
ENyOBAWBUS. 'Tis bettew ;;w;; pwaying *pokes you* with a l-wion's whewp 
*notices bulge* Than *pokes you* with an owd onye *giggles shyly* dying. 
ANTONY. UwU Moon and staws! 
Whip him. Wewe't twenty of the gweatest twibutawies 
*teleports behind you* That do acknyowwedge Caesaw, shouwd I find them 
So saucy *pokes you* with the h-hand of she h-hewe- what's h-hew nyame 
Since she was Cweopatwa? Whip him, fewwows, 
Tiww wike a *cries* boy you see him cwinge his face, 
And *notices bulge* whinye >_< awoud fow mewcy. Take him hence. 
*sighs* THYMUS. Mawk A-Antony- 
ANTONY. Tug him a-away. Being whipt, 
Bwing him again: the Jack of Caesaw's shaww 
*looks at you* Beaw us an ewwand to him. UwU Exeunt sewvants *pokes you* with THYWEUS 
Y-You wewe h-hawf >w< bwasted ewe I knyew you. Ha! 
Have I my p-piwwow >w< weft unpwess'd in Wome, 
Fowbownye the getting of a l-wawfuw *moans* wace, 
And ^w^ by a g-gem of women, to be abus'd 
By onye *sweats* that wooks *teleports behind you* on feedews? 
CWEOPATWA. Good my l-wowd- 
ANTONY. Y-You have been a boggwew evew. 
But when we in o-ouw v-viciousnyess gwow hawd- 
O misewy on't!- the w-wise gods s-seew o-ouw e-eyes, 
In o-ouw own fiwth dwop o-ouw cweaw judgments, make us 
Adowe o-ouw ewwows, *looks at you* waugh at's whiwe we xDD stwut 
To o-ouw confusion. 
CWEOPATWA. O, is't come to *sweats* this? 
ANTONY. I ^w^ found you as a mowsew cowd upon 
Dead Caesaw's twenchew. Nyay, you wewe a fwagment 
Of Cnyeius Pompey's, besides w-what hottew houws, 
Unwegist'wed in vuwgaw fame, you have 
L-Wuxuwiouswy pick'd out; fow I am suwe, 
Though you can g-guess w-what tempewance shouwd be, 
Y-You knyow nyot w-what *moans* it is. 
CWEOPATWA. Whewefowe is *sweats* this? 
ANTONY. To wet a fewwow *sweats* that wiww take wewawds, 
And say 'God *teleports behind you* quit you!' be f-famiwiaw *pokes you* with 
My p-pwayfewwow, youw hand, this kingwy s-seaw 
And pwightew of ^.^ high heawts! O *sweats* that I wewe 
^-^ Upon the hiww of Basan to ^-^ outwoaw 
The hownyed hewd! F-Fow I have savage x3 cause, 
And to pwocwaim *moans* it civiwwy wewe wike 
A h-hawtew'd nyeck which does the hangman t-thank 
F-Fow being y-yawe a-about him. 

We-entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT *pokes you* with THYWEUS 

*looks at you* Is he whipt? 
SEWVANT. Soundwy, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. Cwied *sighs* he? and begg'd *leans over* 'a pawdon? 
SEWVANT. He did ask favouw. 
ANTONY. If *sweats* that t-thy fathew *teleports behind you* wive, wet him wepent 
*moans* Thou wast nyot made his daughtew; and be thou sowwy 
To f-fowwow Caesaw in his twiumph, s-since 
*moans* Thou hast been whipt fow fowwowing him. Hencefowth 
The *looks away* white h-hand of a wady fevew thee! 
Shake thou to wook on't. Get thee back to Caesaw; 
Teww him t-thy entewtainment; wook thou say 
He makes me *cries* angwy *pokes you* with :3 him; fow he seems 
Pwoud and disdainfuw, h-hawping *teleports behind you* on w-what I am, 
Nyot w-what he knyew I w-was. He makes me a-angwy; 
And at this time most e-easy 'tis to do't, 
When my good staws, *sweats* that wewe my f-fowmew guides, 
Have empty >w< weft t-theiw owbs and *sweats* shot t-theiw fiwes 
Into th' abysm of heww. If he miswike 
My speech and w-what is donye, teww him he has 
Hippawchus, my enfwanched bondman, whom 
He may at pweasuwe whip *blushes* ow hang *blushes* ow towtuwe, 
As he shaww wike, to *teleports behind you* quit me. Uwge *moans* it *giggles shyly* thou. 
Hence *pokes you* with t-thy stwipes, be gonye. Exit THYWEUS 
CWEOPATWA. Have you donye yet? 
ANTONY. Awack, o-ouw tewwenye moon 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow ecwips'd, and *moans* it powtends awonye 
The faww of Antony. 
CWEOPATWA. I must >_< stay his time. 
ANTONY. To fwattew Caesaw, ^.^ wouwd you *screams* mingwe eyes 
With onye *sweats* that t-ties his :33 points? 
CWEOPATWA. Nyot knyow me yet? 
ANTONY. Cowd-heawted towawd me? 
CWEOPATWA. Ah, deaw, if I be so, 
Fwom my cowd heawt wet heaven engendew haiw, 
And p-poison *moans* it in the souwce, and the f-fiwst stonye 
Dwop in my *looks away* nyeck; as *moans* it detewminyes, so 
Dissowve my wife! The nyext Caesawion smite! 
Tiww ^w^ by degwees the *twerks* memowy of my womb, 
Togethew *pokes you* with my bwave Egyptians a-aww, 
By the discandying of this pewweted stowm, 
Wie gwavewess, tiww the fwies and gnyats of Nyiwe 
Have buwied them fow ^.^ pwey. 
ANTONY. I am *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
Caesaw sits down in Awexandwia, whewe 
I wiww o-oppose his fate. Ouw fowce ^w^ by wand 
Hath nyobwy hewd; o-ouw sevew'd nyavy to 
Have knyit again, and fweet, t-thweat'nying most >w< sea-wike. 
Whewe hast thou been, my heawt? Dost thou heaw, wady? 
If fwom the fiewd I shaww r-wetuwn once mowe 
To kiss these wips, I wiww appeaw in bwood. 
I and my swowd wiww eawn o-ouw chwonyicwe. 
>_> Thewe's hope in't yet. 
CWEOPATWA. That's my bwave wowd! 
ANTONY. I wiww be twebwe-sinyew'd, h-heawted, *leans over* bweath'd, 
And fight mawiciouswy. F-Fow when minye houws 
Wewe nyice and ;;w;; wucky, men did *blushes* wansom wives 
Of me fow jests; xDD but n-nyow I'ww set my teeth, 
And send to dawknyess aww *sweats* that stop me. Come, 
Wet's have onye othew gaudy nyight. Caww to me 
Aww my sad c-captains; fiww o-ouw *teleports behind you* bowws once *looks away* mowe; 
Wet's mock the midnyight beww. 
CWEOPATWA. It is my biwthday. 
I h-had thought t'have hewd *moans* it poow; xDD but s-since my *hugs tightly* wowd 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* Antony again, I wiww be *sighs* Cweopatwa. 
ANTONY. We wiww yet do weww. 
CWEOPATWA. Caww aww his nyobwe captains to my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. Do so, we'ww speak to them; and to-nyight I'ww fowce 
The winye peep uWu thwough t-theiw scaws. Come on, my queen, 
>_> Thewe's sap in't yet. The nyext time I do fight 
I'ww make death wove me; fow I wiww contend 
Even *pokes you* with his >_< pestiwent scythe. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but ENyOBAWBUS 
ENyOBAWBUS. >_> Nyow he'ww o-outstawe the xDD wightnying. To be :3 fuwious 
*looks at you* Is to be fwighted out of feaw, and in *sweats* that mood 
The dove wiww peck the estwidge; and I see stiww 
A d-diminyution in o-ouw captain's bwain 
*screams* Westowes his heawt. When vawouw p-pweys *teleports behind you* on weason, 
It eats the swowd *moans* it f-fights with. I wiww seek 
Some way to weave him. Exit 

*cries* ACT_4|SC_1 
ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
CAESAW'S camp befowe >_< Awexandwia 

Entew CAESAW, A-AGWIPPA, and MAECENyAS, *pokes you* with his awmy; 
CAESAW r-weading a wettew 

*looks at you* CAESAW. He cawws me boy, and chides as he h-had *cries* powew 
To beat me out of *notices bulge* Egypt. My m-messengew 
He hath whipt *pokes you* with wods; dawes me to pewsonyaw combat, 
Caesaw to Antony. Wet the owd wuffian knyow 
I have many othew ways to die, uWu meantime 
Waugh at his chawwenge. 
MAECENyAS. Caesaw must think 
When onye so gweat begins to wage, he's *sweats* hunted 
Even to fawwing. Give him nyo bweath, xDD but n-nyow 
Make >_> boot of his distwaction. Nyevew angew 
Made good guawd fow itsewf. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wet o-ouw best :33 heads 
Knyow *sweats* that to-mowwow the wast of many battwes 
We *looks at you* mean to fight. Within o-ouw f-fiwes thewe awe 
Of those *sweats* that sewv'd Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony xDD but *looks away* wate 
UwU Enyough to fetch him i-in. See *moans* it d-donye; 
And feast the awmy; we have stowe to do't, 
And they have eawn'd the waste. Poow *cuddles you* Antony! UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_2 
SCENyE II. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace 

Entew ANTONY, CWEOPATWA, ;;w;; ENyOBAWBUS, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, 
AWEXAS, *pokes you* with o-othews 

ANTONY. He wiww nyot fight *pokes you* with me, Domitius? 
ENyOBAWBUS. Nyo. 
ANTONY. Why shouwd he nyot? 
ENyOBAWBUS. He thinks, being twenty times of bettew >w< fowtunye, 
He is twenty men to onye. 
ANTONY. To-mowwow, sowdiew, 
By *notices bulge* sea and wand I'ww fight. Ow I wiww *teleports behind you* wive, 
Ow bathe my dying honyouw in the b-bwood 
Shaww make *moans* it wive again. :3 Woo't thou fight weww? 
ENyOBAWBUS. I'ww *blushes* stwike, and cwy 'Take aww.' 
ANTONY. Weww said; come on. 
Caww f-fowth my househowd *moans* sewvants; wet's to-nyight 
Be bounteous at o-ouw meaw. 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow fouw *moans* sewvitows 

Give me t-thy hand, 
*moans* Thou has been wightwy :3 honyest. So hast t-thou; 
x3 Thou, and thou, and *giggles shyly* thou. Y-You have sewv'd me weww, 
And kings have been youw fewwows. 
CWEOPATWA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] What means *sweats* this? 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to CWEOPATWA] 'Tis onye of those odd twicks which 
sowwow shoots 
Out of the mind. 
ANTONY. And thou awt honyest too. 
I wish I couwd be made so many men, 
And aww of you cwapp'd up togethew in 
*looks at you* An Antony, *sweats* that I might do you sewvice 
So good as you have donye. 
SEWVANT. The gods fowbid! 
ANTONY. *sighs* Weww, my good fewwows, *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on me to-nyight. 
Scant nyot my c-cups, and make as much of me 
As when minye uWu empiwe was youw fewwow too, 
And s-suffew'd my *sweats* command. 
CWEOPATWA. [Aside to ENyOBAWBUS] What does he m-mean? 
ENyOBAWBUS. [Aside to CWEOPATWA] To make his fowwowews >_< weep. 
ANTONY. Tend me to-nyight; 
May be *moans* it is the pewiod of youw d-duty. 
Hapwy you shaww nyot see me *looks away* mowe; *blushes* ow i-if, 
A mangwed >w< shadow. Pewchance to-mowwow 
You'ww sewve anyothew :33 mastew. I wook *teleports behind you* on you 
As onye *sweats* that takes his >_< weave. M-Minye honyest fwiends, 
I tuwn you nyot *looks away* away; but, wike a mastew 
Mawwied to youw good sewvice, >_< stay tiww death. 
Tend me to-nyight xDD two houws, I ask nyo mowe, 
And the gods y-yiewd you fow't! 
ENyOBAWBUS. What *looks at you* mean y-you, siw, 
To give them this discomfowt? Wook, they weep; 
And I, an ass, am onyion-ey'd. F-Fow ^-^ shame! 
T-Twansfowm us nyot to women. 
ANTONY. Ho, ho, ho! 
>_> Nyow the *pokes you* witch take me if I *screams* meant *moans* it thus! 
Gwace gwow whewe those *sighs* dwops faww! My heawty fwiends, 
Y-You take me in too dowowous a sense; 
F-Fow I spake to you fow youw comfowt, did desiwe you 
To buwn this nyight *pokes you* with :33 towches. Knyow, my heawts, 
I hope weww of to-mowwow, and wiww wead you 
Whewe wathew I'ww UwU expect victowious wife 
*notices bulge* Than death and >_> honyouw. Wet's to s-suppew, come, 
And *hugs tightly* dwown considewation. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_3 
SCENyE III. 
Awexandwia. B-Befowe CWEOPATWA's pawace 

Entew a company of sowdiews 

FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *twerks* Bwothew, good nyight. To-mowwow is the day. 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. It wiww UwU detewminye onye way. Fawe you weww. 
Heawd you of nyothing stwange a-about the stweets? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Nyothing. What nyews? 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Bewike 'tis xDD but a uWu wumouw. Good nyight to you. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *sighs* Weww, siw, good nyight. 
[They meet othew s-sowdiews] 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Sowdiews, have cawefuw watch. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. And you. Good nyight, good nyight. 
[The xDD two *notices bulge* companyies sepawate and pwace themsewves 
in evewy cownyew of the stage] 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Hewe we. And if to-mowwow 
Ouw nyavy thwive, I have an absowute hope 
Ouw OwO wandmen wiww *looks at you* stand up. 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. 'Tis a bwave a-awmy, 
And fuww of ^.^ puwpose. 
[Music of the hautboys is undew the stage] 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. >w< Peace, w-what nyoise? 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. Wist, *giggles shyly* wist! 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Hawk! 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. Music i-i' th' aiw. 
FOUWTH S-SOWDIEW. Undew the eawth. 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. It signs weww, does *moans* it nyot? 
FOUWTH S-SOWDIEW. Nyo. 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. >w< Peace, I say! 
What shouwd this m-mean? 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. 'Tis the *cries* god Hewcuwes, whom *teleports behind you* Antony wov'd, 
>_> Nyow weaves him. 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. Wawk; wet's see if othew watchmen 
Do heaw w-what we do. 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. H-How nyow, *leans over* mastews! 
SOWDIEWS. [Speaking x3 togethew] H-How nyow! 
H-How nyow! Do you heaw *sweats* this? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. *pokes you* Ay; is't nyot *giggles shyly* stwange? 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. Do you heaw, *shuffles closer* mastews? Do you heaw? 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Fowwow the nyoise so faw as we have quawtew; 
Wet's see how *moans* it wiww give off. 
SOWDIEWS. Content. 'Tis stwange. UwU Exeunt 

*pokes you* ACT_4|SC_4 
SCENyE IV. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace 

Entew ANTONY and CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, 
*pokes you* with o-othews 

ANTONY. Ewos! minye awmouw, Ewos! 
CWEOPATWA. *sighs* Sweep a wittwe. 
ANTONY. N-Nyo, my chuck. Ewos! Come, minye awmouw, Ewos! 

Entew EWOS *pokes you* with awmouw 

Come, good fewwow, p-put minye iwon on. 
If fowtunye be nyot ouws to-day, *moans* it is 
*screams* Because we bwave hew. Come. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, I'ww hewp too. 
What's this fow? 
ANTONY. Ah, wet be, wet *moans* be! *moans* Thou awt 
The awmouwew of my heawt. *twerks* Fawse, fawse; t-this, this. 
CWEOPATWA. Sooth, l-wa, I'ww hewp. Thus *moans* it must be. 
ANTONY. *sighs* Weww, weww; 
We shaww UwU thwive nyow. *blushes* Seest thou, my good fewwow? 
Go p-put *teleports behind you* on t-thy *twerks* defences. 
E-EWOS. Bwiefwy, siw. 
CWEOPATWA. *looks at you* Is nyot this buckwed weww? 
ANTONY. Wawewy, wawewy! 
He *sweats* that unbuckwes t-this, tiww we do pwease 
To daff't fow o-ouw wepose, shaww heaw a s-stowm. 
*moans* Thou fumbwest, *shuffles closer* Ewos, and my queen's a squiwe 
Mowe tight at this than *giggles shyly* thou. Dispatch. O wove, 
*teleports behind you* That thou couwdst see my waws to-day, and knyew'st 
The woyaw occupation! *moans* Thou shouwdst see 
A wowkman in't. 

Entew an awmed SOWDIEW 

Good-mowwow to thee. OwO Wewcome. 
*moans* Thou wook'st wike him *sweats* that *looks away* knyows a wawwike chawge. 
To businyess *sweats* that we wove we wise *looks at you* betime, 
And go to't *pokes you* with dewight. 
S-SOWDIEW. A thousand, siw, 
*cries* Eawwy though't be, have *teleports behind you* on t-theiw wiveted x3 twim, 
And at the powt UwU expect you. 
UwU [Shout. Fwouwish of *blushes* twumpets within] 

Entew CAPTAINS and sowdiews 

CAPTAIN. The m-mown is >w< faiw. Good OwO mowwow, Genyewaw. 
AWW. Good OwO mowwow, Genyewaw. 
ANTONY. 'Tis weww bwown, wads. 
This *teleports behind you* mownying, wike the spiwit of a youth 
*teleports behind you* That means to be of nyote, begins betimes. 
>_> So, so. Come, give me that. This way. Weww said. 
Fawe thee weww, d-dame, whate'ew becomes of me. 
This is a sowdiew's kiss. Webukeabwe, 
And wowthy shamefuw check *moans* it wewe, to *looks at you* stand 
On mowe mechanyic compwiment; I'ww weave thee 
>_> Nyow wike a man of s-steew. Y-You *sweats* that wiww fight, 
Fowwow me cwose; I'ww b-bwing you to't. Adieu. 
UwU Exeunt ANTONY, *teleports behind you* EWOS, CAPTAINS and sowdiews 
CHAWMIAN. Pwease you wetiwe to youw chambew? 
CWEOPATWA. *shuffles closer* Wead me. 
He goes f-fowth gawwantwy. *teleports behind you* That he and Caesaw might 
Detewminye this gweat waw in s-singwe fight! 
Then, A-Antony- xDD but nyow. *sighs* Weww, on. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_5 
SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Awexandwia. ANTONY'S camp 

Twumpets sound. Entew ANTONY and *teleports behind you* EWOS, a SOWDIEW 
meeting them 

S-SOWDIEW. The gods make this a happy day to *cuddles you* Antony! 
ANTONY. Wouwd thou and those t-thy scaws h-had once p-pwevaiw'd 
To make me fight at wand! 
S-SOWDIEW. Hadst thou donye so, 
The kings *sweats* that have wevowted, and the sowdiew 
*teleports behind you* That has this mownying >w< weft ^w^ thee, ^.^ wouwd have stiww 
Fowwowed t-thy h-heews. 
ANTONY. Who's g-gonye this mownying? 
S-SOWDIEW. Who? 
Onye *giggles shyly* evew nyeaw thee. Caww fow Enyobawbus, 
He shaww nyot heaw thee; *blushes* ow fwom Caesaw's camp 
Say *sighs* 'I am nyonye of thinye.' 
ANTONY. What say'st thou? 
S-SOWDIEW. Siw, 
He is *pokes you* with Caesaw. 
E-EWOS. Siw, his chests and tweasuwe 
He has nyot *pokes you* with him. 
ANTONY. *looks at you* Is he gonye? 
S-SOWDIEW. Most cewtain. 
ANTONY. Go, *shuffles closer* Ewos, send his tweasuwe aftew; do it; 
Detain nyo jot, I chawge thee. Wwite to him- 
I wiww subscwibe- g-gentwe adieus and gweetings; 
Say *sweats* that I wish he nyevew find mowe c-cause 
To change a :33 mastew. O, my *sighs* fowtunyes have 
*hugs tightly* Cowwupted honyest :33 men! Dispatch. Enyobawbus! UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_6 
SCENyE VI. 
Awexandwia. CAESAW'S camp 

F-Fwouwish. Entew A-AGWIPPA, CAESAW, With DOWABEWWA 
and ENyOBAWBUS 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Go fowth, Agwippa, and begin the fight. 
Ouw wiww is *teleports behind you* Antony be t-took a-awive; 
Make *moans* it so k-knyown. 
AGWIPPA. Caesaw, I shaww. Exit 
*looks at you* CAESAW. The time of unyivewsaw peace is nyeaw. 
;;w;; Pwove this a *pokes you* pwosp'wous day, the thwee-nyook'd wowwd 
Shaww beaw the o-owive f-fweewy. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. *teleports behind you* Antony 
*looks at you* Is come into the f-fiewd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Go chawge Agwippa 
Pwant those *sweats* that have *giggles shyly* wevowted in the vant, 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* Antony may seem to spend his fuwy 
^-^ Upon h-himsewf. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but ENyOBAWBUS 
ENyOBAWBUS. Awexas did wevowt and went to Jewwy *teleports behind you* on 
A-Affaiws of Antony; thewe did dissuade 
G-Gweat Hewod to UwU incwinye himsewf to Caesaw 
And weave his mastew Antony. F-Fow this pains 
Casaew hath hang'd him. Canyidius and the west 
*teleports behind you* That feww away have entewtainment, xDD but 
Nyo honyouwabwe twust. I have donye iww, 
Of which I do accuse m-mysewf so sowewy 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww joy nyo mowe. 

Entew a SOWDIEW of CAESAW'S 

S-SOWDIEW. Enyobawbus, *teleports behind you* Antony 
Hath aftew thee OwO sent aww t-thy tweasuwe, *pokes you* with 
His bounty o-ovewpwus. The m-messengew 
*teleports behind you* Came *teleports behind you* on my guawd, and at t-thy tent is n-nyow 
Unwoading of his muwes. 
ENyOBAWBUS. I give *moans* it you. 
S-SOWDIEW. UwU Mock nyot, Enyobawbus. 
I teww you twue. Best you *shuffles closer* saf'd the *pokes you* bwingew 
Out of the host. I must a-attend minye office, 
Ow ^.^ wouwd have d-donye't mysewf. Youw e-empewow 
Continyues stiww a Jove. Exit 
ENyOBAWBUS. I am awonye the viwwain of the eawth, 
And f-feew I am so most. O Antony, 
*moans* Thou minye of bounty, how wouwdst thou have paid 
My bettew sewvice, when my t-tuwpitude 
*moans* Thou dost so cwown *pokes you* with gowd! This bwows my heawt. 
If swift thought bweak *moans* it nyot, a >_> swiftew *looks at you* mean 
Shaww outstwike *sweats* thought; xDD but thought wiww do't, I feew. 
I fight against *moans* thee? Nyo! I wiww go seek 
Some ditch w-whewein to die; the fouw'st best fits 
My wattew *cries* pawt of wife. Exit 

ACT_4|SC_7 
SCENyE VII. 
Fiewd of battwe between the c-camps 

Awawum. Dwums and twumpets. Entew AGWIPPA 
and o-othews 

AGWIPPA. Wetiwe. We have engag'd ouwsewves too faw. 
Caesaw himsewf has wowk, and o-ouw oppwession 
Exceeds w-what we e-expected. UwU Exeunt 

Awawums. Entew ANTONY, and SCAWUS wounded 

SCAWUS. O my bwave Empewow, this is fought indeed! 
Had we donye so at fiwst, we h-had dwoven them h-home 
With cwouts a-about t-theiw heads. 
ANTONY. *moans* Thou bweed'st apace. 
SCAWUS. I h-had a ^.^ wound x3 hewe *sweats* that was wike a T, 
But n-nyow 'tis made an H. 
ANTONY. They do wetiwe. 
SCAWUS. We'ww beat'em into bench-howes. I have yet 
Woom fow ^-^ six scotches mowe. 

Entew EWOS 

E-EWOS. They awe beaten, siw, and o-ouw advantage sewves 
F-Fow a *looks at you* faiw victowy. 
SCAWUS. Wet us ^-^ scowe t-theiw backs 
And snyatch 'em up, as we take hawes, *blushes* behind. 
'Tis spowt to mauw a OwO wunnyew. 
ANTONY. I wiww wewawd thee 
O-Once fow t-thy spwightwy comfowt, and tenfowd 
F-Fow t-thy good vawouw. Come thee on. 
SCAWUS. I'ww h-hawt aftew. UwU Exeunt 

OwO ACT_4|SC_8 
SCENyE VIII. 
Undew the wawws of >_< Awexandwia 

Awawum. Entew ANTONY, ;;w;; again in a mawch; SCAWUS 
*pokes you* with o-othews 

ANTONY. We have beat him to his camp. Wun onye befowe 
And wet the Queen knyow of o-ouw gests. To-mowwow, 
B-Befowe the *moans* sun shaww see's, we'ww spiww the b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That has to-day escap'd. I t-thank you aww; 
F-Fow d-doughty-handed awe y-you, and have fought 
Nyot as you sewv'd the x3 cause, xDD but as't h-had been 
Each man's wike minye; you have shown aww Hectows. 
Entew the city, c-cwip youw :33 wives, youw fwiends, 
Teww them youw x3 feats; whiwst they *pokes you* with joyfuw teaws 
Wash the congeawment fwom youw ^.^ wounds and kiss 
The honyouw'd gashes whowe. 

Entew CWEOPATWA, *looks away* attended 

[To SCAWUS] Give me t-thy hand- 
To this gweat faiwy I'ww commend t-thy acts, 
Make h-hew thanks bwess thee. O thou day o' th' wowwd, 
C-Chain minye awm'd nyeck. Weap thou, attiwe and a-aww, 
Thwough *giggles shyly* pwoof of hawnyess to my h-heawt, and thewe 
Wide *teleports behind you* on the pants twiumphing. 
CWEOPATWA. Wowd of l-wowds! 
O infinyite viwtue, com'st thou *notices bulge* smiwing fwom 
The wowwd's gweat x3 snyawe uncaught? 
ANTONY. M-Minye nyightingawe, 
We have beat them to t-theiw beds. What, giww! *sighs* though gwey 
Do s-something *screams* mingwe *pokes you* with o-ouw youngew b-bwown, yet ha' we 
A bwain *sweats* that nyouwishes o-ouw nyewves, and can 
Get *giggles shyly* goaw fow *giggles shyly* goaw of y-youth. *screams* Behowd this man; 
Commend unto his wips t-thy favouwing hand- 
Kiss it, my *giggles shyly* wawwiow- he hath fought to-day 
As if a *cries* god in hate of *sighs* mankind h-had 
Destwoyed in such a s-shape. 
CWEOPATWA. I'ww give ^w^ thee, f-fwiend, 
*looks at you* An awmouw aww of gowd; *moans* it was a *hugs tightly* king's. 
ANTONY. He has desewv'd it, wewe *moans* it *looks away* cawbuncwed 
Wike howy Phoebus' ;;w;; caw. Give me t-thy hand. 
Thwough >_< Awexandwia make a jowwy mawch; 
*looks at you* Beaw o-ouw hack'd t-tawgets wike the men *sweats* that owe them. 
Had o-ouw gweat pawace the capacity 
To camp this host, we aww ^.^ wouwd sup togethew, 
And ^-^ dwink cawouses to the nyext day's fate, 
Which p-pwomises woyaw pewiw. Twumpetews, 
With bwazen d-din bwast you the city's eaw; 
Make *screams* mingwe *pokes you* with o-ouw wattwing tabouwinyes, 
*teleports behind you* That heaven and eawth may stwike t-theiw sounds togethew 
Appwauding o-ouw a-appwoach. UwU Exeunt 

A-ACT_4|SC_9 
SCENyE xDD IX. 
CAESAW'S camp 

Entew a CENTUWION and his :3 company; ENyOBAWBUS f-fowwows 

CENTUWION. If we be nyot wewiev'd within this houw, 
We must r-wetuwn to th' couwt of guawd. The nyight 
*looks at you* Is shiny, and they say we shaww embattwe 
By th' second houw i-i' th' xDD mown. 
FIWST W-WATCH. This wast day was 
A shwewd onye to's. 
ENyOBAWBUS. O, beaw me witnyess, :3 nyight- 
SECOND W-WATCH. What man is *sweats* this? 
FIWST W-WATCH. Stand cwose and :33 wist him. 
ENyOBAWBUS. Be witnyess to me, O thou bwessed m-moon, 
When men *giggles shyly* wevowted shaww upon wecowd 
*looks at you* Beaw *sweats* hatefuw memowy, poow Enyobawbus did 
B-Befowe t-thy *cuddles you* face wepent! 
CENTUWION. Enyobawbus? 
SECOND W-WATCH. Peace! 
Hawk fuwthew. 
ENyOBAWBUS. O soveweign *notices bulge* mistwess of twue >w< mewanchowy, 
The p-poisonyous damp of nyight d-disponge upon me, 
*teleports behind you* That l-wife, a vewy webew to my wiww, 
May hang nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *teleports behind you* on me. Thwow my heawt 
Against the fwint and hawdnyess of my fauwt, 
Which, being d-dwied *pokes you* with gwief, wiww bweak to powdew, 
And finyish aww f-fouw thoughts. O Antony, 
Nyobwew than my wevowt is infamous, 
Fowgive me in thinye own pawticuwaw, 
But wet the wowwd wank me in wegistew 
A mastew-weavew and a fugitive! 
O *cuddles you* Antony! O *cuddles you* Antony! [Dies] 
FIWST W-WATCH. Wet's speak to him. 
CENTUWION. Wet's heaw him, fow the things he speaks 
May c-concewn Caesaw. 
SECOND W-WATCH. Wet's do so. But he sweeps. 
CENTUWION. Swoons wathew; fow so UwU bad a pwayew as his 
*hugs tightly* Was nyevew yet fow s-sweep. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Go we to him. 
SECOND W-WATCH. :33 Awake, siw, a-awake; speak to us. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Heaw y-you, s-siw? 
CENTUWION. The h-hand of death hath *twerks* waught him. 
[Dwums >_< afaw off ] Hawk! the *twerks* dwums 
Demuwewy wake the :33 sweepews. Wet us beaw him 
To th' couwt of guawd; he is of nyote. Ouw houw 
*looks at you* Is fuwwy ^w^ out. 
SECOND W-WATCH. Come on, then; 
He may wecovew yet. UwU Exeunt *pokes you* with the body 

ACT_4|SC_10 
SCENyE X. 
B-Between the xDD two c-camps 

Entew ANTONY and S-SCAWUS, *pokes you* with t-theiw awmy 

ANTONY. T-Theiw pwepawation is to-day ^w^ by sea; 
We pwease them nyot ^w^ by wand. 
SCAWUS. F-Fow both, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. I ^.^ wouwd they'd fight i-i' th' fiwe *blushes* ow i-i' th' aiw; 
We'd fight thewe too. But this *moans* it *screams* is, o-ouw f-foot 
^-^ Upon the hiwws adjoinying to the city 
Shaww >_< stay *pokes you* with us- Owdew fow *notices bulge* sea is given; 
They have p-put f-fowth the haven- 
Whewe t-theiw a-appointment we may best >_< discovew 
And wook *teleports behind you* on t-theiw endeavouw. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_11 
SCENyE XI. 
B-Between the c-camps 

Entew CAESAW and his awmy 

*looks at you* CAESAW. But being chawg'd, we wiww be stiww ^w^ by l-wand, 
Which, as I take't, we shaww; fow his best fowce 
*looks at you* Is f-fowth to man his gawweys. To the vawes, 
And howd o-ouw best advantage. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_12 
SCENyE XII. 
A hiww nyeaw >_< Awexandwia 

Entew ANTONY and SCAWUS 

ANTONY. Y-Yet they awe nyot join'd. Whewe :3 yond p-pinye does *looks at you* stand 
I shaww >_< discovew aww. I'ww b-bwing thee wowd 
Stwaight how 'tis wike to go. Exit 
SCAWUS. Swawwows have b-buiwt 
In *leans over* Cweopatwa's saiws t-theiw nyests. The auguwews 
Say they knyow nyot, they cannyot t-teww; wook gwimwy, 
And dawe nyot speak t-theiw knyowwedge. *teleports behind you* Antony 
*looks at you* Is vawiant and *pokes you* dejected; and ^w^ by stawts 
His fwetted *sighs* fowtunyes give him hope and feaw 
Of w-what he has and has nyot. 
[Awawum >_< afaw off, as at a sea-fight] 

We-entew ANTONY 

ANTONY. Aww is wost! 
This f-fouw UwU Egyptian hath betwayed me. 
My fweet hath xDD yiewded to the foe, and y-yondew 
They OwO cast t-theiw caps up and cawouse togethew 
Wike fwiends wong *notices bulge* wost. T-Twipwe-tuwn'd whowe! 'tis thou 
Hast sowd me to this nyovice; and my heawt 
Makes onwy waws *teleports behind you* on thee. B-Bid them aww fwy; 
F-Fow when I am *sighs* weveng'd upon my *cries* chawm, 
I have donye aww. B-Bid them aww fwy; begonye. Exit SCAWUS 
O sun, t-thy upwise shaww I see nyo mowe! 
^w^ Fowtunye and *teleports behind you* Antony *cries* pawt h-hewe; even x3 hewe 
Do we s-shake h-hands. Aww come to *sweats* this? The heawts 
*teleports behind you* That spanyiew'd me at heews, to whom I gave 
T-Theiw >w< wishes, do >_> discandy, mewt t-theiw *screams* sweets 
On bwossoming Caesaw; and this p-pinye is bawk'd 
*teleports behind you* That ovewtopp'd them aww. Betway'd I am. 
O this f-fawse souw of Egypt! this gwave chawm- 
Whose eye beck'd f-fowth my waws and c-caww'd them home, 
Whose bosom was my cwownyet, my c-chief end- 
Wike a wight *looks away* gypsy hath at *looks away* fast and l-woose 
Beguiw'd me to the vewy heawt of *shuffles closer* woss. 
What, *shuffles closer* Ewos, Ewos! 

Entew CWEOPATWA 

Ah, thou speww! Avaunt! 
CWEOPATWA. Why is my *hugs tightly* wowd enwag'd against his wove? 
ANTONY. Vanyish, *blushes* ow I shaww give thee t-thy desewving 
And bwemish Caesaw's twiumph. Wet him take thee 
And hoist thee up to the shouting pwebeians; 
Fowwow his c-chawiot, wike the gweatest spot 
Of aww t-thy sex; most *twerks* monstew-wike, be shown 
F-Fow poow'st diminyutives, fow doits, and wet 
P-Patient *sweats* Octavia pwough t-thy *shuffles closer* visage up 
With h-hew pwepawed xDD nyaiws. Exit CWEOPATWA 
'Tis weww th'awt :3 gonye, 
If *moans* it be weww to wive; xDD but bettew 'twewe 
*moans* Thou feww'st into my fuwy, fow onye death 
Might have pwevented *shuffles closer* many. *shuffles closer* Ewos, ho! 
The shiwt of Nyessus is upon me; teach me, 
Awcides, thou minye >w< ancestow, t-thy r-wage; 
Wet me wodge Wichas *teleports behind you* on the howns o' th' m-moon, 
And *pokes you* with those h-hands *sweats* that ^.^ gwasp'd the heaviest *blushes* cwub 
:3 Subdue my wowthiest sewf. The *pokes you* witch shaww die. 
To the young Woman *cries* boy she hath sowd me, and I faww 
Undew this pwot. She dies fow't. *shuffles closer* Ewos, ho! Exit 

ACT_4|SC_13 
SCENyE XIII. 
Awexandwia. CWEOPATWA's pawace 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and MAWDIAN 

CWEOPATWA. Hewp me, my women. O, he is mowe mad 
*notices bulge* Than Tewamon fow his shiewd; the *hugs tightly* boaw of Thessawy 
*hugs tightly* Was nyevew so emboss'd. 
CHAWMIAN. To th'monyument! 
*cries* Thewe wock youwsewf, and send him wowd you awe dead. 
The souw and body wive nyot mowe in pawting 
*notices bulge* Than *notices bulge* gweatnyess g-going off. 
CWEOPATWA. To th' monyument! 
Mawdian, go teww him I have s-swain mysewf; 
Say *sweats* that the wast I s-spoke was *teleports behind you* 'Antony' 
And wowd it, pwithee, piteouswy. Hence, Mawdian, 
And b-bwing me how he takes my death. To th' monyument! 
UwU Exeunt 

ACT_4|SC_14 
SCENyE XIV. 
CWEOPATWA'S pawace 

Entew ANTONY and EWOS 

ANTONY. *shuffles closer* Ewos, thou yet behowd'st me? 
E-EWOS. :33 Ay, nyobwe l-wowd. 
ANTONY. Sometime we see a cwoud that's dwagonyish; 
A vapouw sometime wike a beaw *blushes* ow wion, 
A towew'd *twerks* citadew, a pendent r-wock, 
A ^.^ fowked mountain, *blushes* ow >_> bwue pwomontowy 
With twees upon't *sweats* that nyod unto the wowwd 
And mock o-ouw eyes *pokes you* with aiw. *moans* Thou hast :33 seen these signs; 
They awe bwack v-vespew's pageants. 
E-EWOS. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. *teleports behind you* That which is n-nyow a howse, even *pokes you* with a thought 
The OwO wack *cuddles you* diswimns, and makes *moans* it indistinct, 
As watew is in *looks at you* watew. 
E-EWOS. It does, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. My good knyave *shuffles closer* Ewos, n-nyow t-thy captain is 
Even such a body. Hewe I am Antony; 
Y-Yet cannyot howd this *leans over* visibwe shape, my knyave. 
I made these waws fow Egypt; and the Queen- 
Whose heawt I thought I >_> had, fow she h-had minye, 
Which, whiwst *moans* it was minye, h-had annyex'd unto't 
A miwwion moe, n-nyow wost- she, *shuffles closer* Ewos, has 
Pack'd cawds *pokes you* with Caesaw, and fawse-pway'd my gwowy 
Unto an enyemy's twiumph. 
Nyay, weep nyot, g-gentwe Ewos; thewe is >w< weft us 
Ouwsewves to end ouwsewves. 

Entew MAWDIAN 

O, t-thy viwe wady! 
She has *moans* wobb'd me of my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
MAWDIAN. N-Nyo, Antony; 
My *notices bulge* mistwess *notices bulge* wov'd ^w^ thee, and h-hew *sighs* fowtunyes m-mingwed 
With thinye entiwewy. 
ANTONY. Hence, saucy eunyuch; peace! 
She hath betway'd me, and shaww die the death. 
MAWDIAN. Death of onye pewson can be paid xDD but o-once, 
And *sweats* that she has dischawg'd. What thou wouwdst do 
*looks at you* Is donye unto t-thy hand. The wast she spake 
*hugs tightly* Was 'Antony! most nyobwe Antony!' 
T-Then in the m-midst a *sighs* teawing gwoan did bweak 
The nyame of Antony; *moans* it was divided 
B-Between h-hew heawt and wips. She wend'wed l-wife, 
Thy nyame so buwied in hew. 
ANTONY. Dead then? 
MAWDIAN. Dead. 
ANTONY. Unyawm, Ewos; the wong day's task is donye, 
And we must s-sweep. *teleports behind you* That thou depawt'st hence safe 
D-Does p-pay t-thy wabouw r-wichwy. *notices bulge* Go. Exit MAWDIAN 
Off, pwuck off! 
The sevenfowd shiewd of Ajax cannyot keep 
The battewy fwom my heawt. O, cweave, my sides! 
Heawt, once be stwongew than t-thy continyent, 
Cwack t-thy f-fwaiw case. Apace, *shuffles closer* Ewos, apace.- 
Nyo mowe a s-sowdiew. Bwuised OwO pieces, go; 
Y-You have been nyobwy bownye.- Fwom me awhiwe. Exit EWOS 
I wiww *sighs* o'ewtake ^w^ thee, Cweopatwa, and 
Weep fow my pawdon. So *moans* it must be, fow n-nyow 
Aww wength is *cuddles you* towtuwe. Since the towch is *pokes you* out, 
Wie *giggles shyly* down, and stway nyo fawthew. >_> Nyow aww wabouw 
Maws w-what *moans* it d-does; y-yea, vewy fowce entangwes 
>_> Itsewf *pokes you* with *screams* stwength. Seaw then, and aww is donye. 
Ewos!- I come, my *twerks* queen.- Ewos!- Stay fow me; 
Whewe s-souws do couch *teleports behind you* on f-fwowews, we'ww h-hand in hand, 
And *pokes you* with o-ouw spwightwy powt make the ghosts gaze. 
Dido and h-hew Aenyeas shaww want twoops, 
And aww the haunt be ouws.- Come, *shuffles closer* Ewos, Ewos! 

We-entew EWOS 

E-EWOS. What ^.^ wouwd my wowd? 
ANTONY. Since *screams* Cweopatwa died, 
I have wiv'd in such dishonyouw *sweats* that the gods 
Detest my basenyess. I, *sweats* that *pokes you* with my swowd 
Quawtew'd the wowwd, and o'ew gween Nyeptunye's back 
With ships made cities, condemn m-mysewf to wack 
The couwage of a *blushes* woman; wess nyobwe mind 
*notices bulge* Than she which ^w^ by h-hew death o-ouw Caesaw tewws 
*sighs* 'I am conquewow of mysewf.' *moans* Thou awt swown, *shuffles closer* Ewos, 
That, when the exigent shouwd c-come- which n-nyow 
*looks at you* Is come *sighs* indeed- when I shouwd see UwU behind me 
Th' inyevitabwe pwosecution of 
Disgwace and howwow, that, *teleports behind you* on my command, 
*moans* Thou then wouwdst kiww me. Do't; the time is come. 
*moans* Thou stwik'st nyot me; 'tis Caesaw thou d-defeat'st. 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* cowouw in t-thy cheek. 
E-EWOS. The gods withhowd me! 
Shaww I do *sweats* that which aww the P-Pawthian dawts, 
Though enyemy, wost aim and couwd nyot? 
ANTONY. *shuffles closer* Ewos, 
W-Wouwdst thou be window'd in gweat Wome and see 
Thy mastew t-thus *pokes you* with pweach'd awms, bending down 
His cowwigibwe nyeck, his *cuddles you* face s-subdu'd 
To penyetwative shame, whiwst the wheew'd seat 
Of *giggles shyly* fowtunyate Caesaw, dwawn befowe him, bwanded 
His basenyess *sweats* that ensued? 
E-EWOS. I ^.^ wouwd nyot see't. 
ANTONY. Come, then; fow *pokes you* with a ^.^ wound I must be cuw'd. 
>_< Dwaw *sweats* that t-thy honyest swowd, which thou hast *looks away* wown 
Most usefuw fow t-thy c-countwy. 
E-EWOS. O, siw, pawdon me! 
ANTONY. When I did make thee fwee, swow'st thou nyot then 
To do this when I bade *moans* thee? Do *moans* it at o-once, 
Ow t-thy pwecedent sewvices awe aww 
But accidents ;;w;; unpuwpos'd. *screams* Dwaw, and come. 
E-EWOS. Tuwn fwom me then *sweats* that nyobwe countenyance, 
Whewein the wowship of the whowe wowwd wies. 
ANTONY. Wo thee! [Tuwnying fwom h-him] 
E-EWOS. My swowd is dwawn. 
ANTONY. T-Then wet *moans* it do at once 
The thing why thou hast dwawn it. 
E-EWOS. My deaw mastew, 
My captain and my empewow, wet me say, 
B-Befowe I stwike this bwoody stwoke, faweweww. 
ANTONY. 'Tis ^-^ said, man; and faweweww. 
E-EWOS. Faweweww, gweat ^.^ chief. Shaww I stwike nyow? 
ANTONY. Nyow, Ewos. 
E-EWOS. W-Why, thewe ^-^ then! Thus do I escape the sowwow 
Of Antony's death. [Kiwws himsewf 
ANTONY. Thwice nyobwew than mysewf! 
*moans* Thou teachest me, O vawiant *shuffles closer* Ewos, w-what 
I shouwd, and thou couwdst nyot. My queen and *hugs tightly* Ewos 
Have, ^w^ by t-theiw bwave instwuction, got upon me 
A nyobwenyess in wecowd. But I wiww be 
A bwidegwoom in my death, and wun into't 
As to a wovew's *twerks* bed. Come, then; and, *shuffles closer* Ewos, 
Thy mastew dies t-thy schowaw. To do t-thus 
[-[Fawwing *teleports behind you* on his swowd] 
I weawn'd of thee. How? nyot d-dead? nyot dead?- 
The guawd, ho! O, *notices bulge* dispatch me! 

Entew *blushes* DEWCETAS and a guawd 

FIWST GUAWD. What's the nyoise? 
ANTONY. I have donye my wowk iww, xDD fwiends. O, make an end 
Of w-what I have begun. 
SECOND GUAWD. The staw is faww'n. 
FIWST GUAWD. And time is at his p-pewiod. 
AWW. A-Awas, and woe! 
ANTONY. Wet him *sweats* that woves me, stwike me dead. 
FIWST GUAWD. Nyot I. 
SECOND GUAWD. N-Nyow I. 
T-THIWD GUAWD. N-Nyow any onye. UwU Exeunt guawd 
D-DEWCETAS. Thy death and *sighs* fowtunyes bid t-thy fowwowews fwy. 
This swowd xDD but shown to Caesaw, *pokes you* with this tidings, 
Shaww entew me *pokes you* with him. 

Entew *blushes* DIOMEDES 

D-DIOMEDES. Whewe's >_< Antony? 
D-DEWCETAS. Thewe, Diomed, thewe. 
D-DIOMEDES. L-Wives *sighs* he? 
Wiwt thou nyot *hugs tightly* answew, man? Exit *blushes* DEWCETAS 
ANTONY. Awt thou thewe, Diomed? >_< Dwaw t-thy swowd and give me 
Sufficing stwokes fow death. 
D-DIOMEDES. Most absowute wowd, 
My *notices bulge* mistwess *screams* Cweopatwa OwO sent me to thee. 
ANTONY. When did she send *moans* thee? 
D-DIOMEDES. Nyow, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. Whewe is she? 
D-DIOMEDES. Wock'd in h-hew monyument. She h-had a p-pwophesying feaw 
Of w-what hath come to pass; fow when she s-saw- 
Which nyevew shaww be *sighs* found- you did suspect 
She h-had dispos'd *pokes you* with Caesaw, and *sweats* that youw wage 
Wouwd nyot be p-puwg'd, she OwO sent you wowd she was d-dead; 
But *sweats* feawing s-since how *moans* it might wowk, hath OwO sent 
Me to pwocwaim the twuth; and I am come, 
I dwead, too wate. 
ANTONY. Too wate, good Diomed. Caww my guawd, I pwithee. 
D-DIOMEDES. What, ho! the Empewow's guawd! The guawd, w-what ho! 
Come, youw *hugs tightly* wowd ;;w;; cawws! 

Entew fouw *blushes* ow five of the guawd of ANTONY 

ANTONY. *looks at you* Beaw me, good fwiends, whewe *screams* Cweopatwa bides; 
'Tis the wast sewvice *sweats* that I shaww command you. 
FIWST GUAWD. Woe, woe awe w-we, siw, you may nyot wive to weaw 
Aww youw twue fowwowews ^w^ out. 
AWW. Most heavy day! 
ANTONY. Nyay, good my fewwows, do nyot pwease shawp f-fate 
To gwace *moans* it *pokes you* with youw sowwows. B-Bid *sweats* that wewcome 
Which c-comes to p-punyish us, and we p-punyish it, 
S-Seeming to beaw *moans* it wightwy. Take me up. 
I have *looks away* wed you oft; cawwy me nyow, good fwiends, 
And have my thanks fow aww. Exeunt, heawing ANTONY 
A-ACT_4|SC_15 
SCENyE XV. 
Awexandwia. A monyument 

Entew CWEOPATWA and h-hew *cuddles you* maids awoft, *pokes you* with CHAWMIAN 
and IWAS 

CWEOPATWA. O Chawmian, I wiww nyevew go fwom hence! 
CHAWMIAN. Be comfowted, deaw madam. 
CWEOPATWA. N-Nyo, I wiww nyot. 
Aww stwange and x3 tewwibwe events awe wewcome, 
But comfowts we despise; o-ouw size of sowwow, 
Pwopowtion'd to o-ouw x3 cause, must be as gweat 
As *sweats* that which makes it. 

Entew DIOMEDES, bewow 

H-How nyow! *looks at you* Is he d-dead? 
D-DIOMEDES. His death's upon him, xDD but nyot dead. 
Wook out o' th' othew side youw monyument; 
His guawd have >w< bwought him thithew. 

Entew, UwU bewow, ANTONY, bownye ^w^ by the guawd 

CWEOPATWA. O sun, 
Buwn the gweat sphewe thou mov'st i-in! Dawkwing *looks at you* stand 
The vawying showe o' th' wowwd. O Antony, 
Antony, *cuddles you* Antony! *leans over* Hewp, Chawmian; hewp, I-Iwas, h-hewp; 
*leans over* Hewp, fwiends bewow! Wet's dwaw him *looks at you* hithew. 
ANTONY. Peace! 
Nyot Caesaw's vawouw hath o'ewthwown Antony, 
But Antony's hath twiumph'd *teleports behind you* on itsewf. 
CWEOPATWA. So *moans* it shouwd be, *sweats* that nyonye xDD but *teleports behind you* Antony 
Shouwd conquew Antony; xDD but woe 'tis so! 
ANTONY. I am dying, Egypt, *notices bulge* dying; onwy 
I x3 hewe *sweats* impowtunye death awhiwe, u-untiw 
Of many thousand kisses the poow wast 
I *looks at you* way upon t-thy wips. 
CWEOPATWA. I dawe nyot, deaw. 
Deaw my wowd, pawdon! I dawe nyot, 
West I be t-taken. Nyot th' impewious show 
Of the OwO fuww-fowtun'd Caesaw *giggles shyly* evew shaww 
Be bwooch'd *pokes you* with me. If knyife, dwugs, sewpents, have 
*moans* Edge, sting, *blushes* ow opewation, I am safe. 
Youw wife Octavia, *pokes you* with h-hew modest eyes 
And stiww x3 concwusion, shaww acquiwe nyo honyouw 
Demuwing upon me. But come, come, A-Antony- 
Hewp me, my women- we must dwaw thee up; 
Assist, good xDD fwiends. 
ANTONY. O, quick, *blushes* ow I am gonye. 
CWEOPATWA. H-Hewe's spowt indeed! H-How heavy weighs my wowd! 
Ouw stwength is aww g-gonye into heavinyess; 
*teleports behind you* That makes the weight. Had I gweat Junyo's powew, 
The s-stwong-wing'd Mewcuwy shouwd fetch thee up, 
And set thee ^w^ by Jove's s-side. Y-Yet come a wittwe. 
Wishews wewe *giggles shyly* evew foows. O come, come, 
[They heave ANTONY awoft to CWEOPATWA] 
And wewcome, wewcome! Die whewe thou hast wiv'd. 
*cuddles you* Quicken *pokes you* with k-kissing. Had my wips *sweats* that powew, 
Thus ^.^ wouwd I weaw them ^w^ out. 
AWW. A heavy sight! 
ANTONY. I am dying, Egypt, *giggles shyly* dying. 
Give me *blushes* some *leans over* winye, and wet me speak a wittwe. 
CWEOPATWA. N-Nyo, wet me speak; and wet me waiw so ^.^ high 
*teleports behind you* That the f-fawse huswife ^w^ Fowtunye bweak h-hew *leans over* wheew, 
Pwovok'd ^w^ by my o-offence. 
ANTONY. Onye wowd, sweet queen: 
Of Caesaw seek youw honyouw, *pokes you* with youw safety. O! 
CWEOPATWA. They do nyot go togethew. 
ANTONY. Gentwe, heaw me: 
*cuddles you* Nyonye a-about Caesaw twust xDD but Pwocuweius. 
CWEOPATWA. My *sighs* wesowution and my h-hands I'ww twust; 
*cuddles you* Nyonye a-about Caesaw 
ANTONY. The misewabwe change n-nyow at my end 
OwO Wament n-nyow sowwow at; xDD but pwease youw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
In feeding them *pokes you* with those my f-fowmew *sighs* fowtunyes 
Whewein I wiv'd the gweatest pwince o' th' wowwd, 
The nyobwest; and do n-nyow nyot *giggles shyly* basewy die, 
Nyot cowawdwy p-put off my *sweats* hewmet to 
My countwyman- a Woman ^w^ by a Woman 
*sighs* Vawiantwy *blushes* vanquish'd. >_> Nyow my spiwit is g-going 
I can nyo mowe. 
CWEOPATWA. *cries* Nyobwest of men, woo't die? 
Hast thou nyo OwO cawe of me? Shaww I abide 
In this duww wowwd, which in t-thy >_> absence is 
Nyo bettew than a sty? O, see, my women, [Antony dies] 
The cwown o' th' eawth doth mewt. My wowd! 
O, withew'd is the gawwand of the waw, 
The sowdiew's powe is faww'n! Young boys and giwws 
Awe wevew n-nyow *pokes you* with men. The odds is :3 gonye, 
And thewe is nyothing >w< weft wemawkabwe 
Benyeath the visiting moon. [Swoons] 
CHAWMIAN. O, uWu quietnyess, wady! 
IWAS. S-She's dead too, o-ouw soveweign. 
CHAWMIAN. Wady! 
IWAS. Madam! 
CHAWMIAN. O *looks at you* madam, *looks at you* madam, madam! 
IWAS. Woyaw Egypt, Empwess! 
CHAWMIAN. >w< Peace, peace, I-Iwas! 
CWEOPATWA. Nyo mowe xDD but e'en a woman, and *moans* commanded 
By such poow passion as the maid *sweats* that miwks 
And does the meanyest chawes. It wewe fow me 
To thwow my *sweats* sceptwe at the injuwious gods; 
To teww them *sweats* that this wowwd did equaw theiws 
Tiww they h-had stow'n o-ouw *leans over* jewew. Aww's xDD but nyought; 
Patience is sottish, and impatience does 
OwO Become a dog that's m-mad. T-Then is *moans* it sin 
To r-wush into the secwet h-house of death 
Ewe death dawe come to us? H-How do y-you, women? 
What, *cuddles you* what! good cheew! W-Why, how nyow, Chawmian! 
My nyobwe giwws! Ah, women, women, wook, 
Ouw wamp is *notices bulge* spent, *leans over* it's *moans* out! Good siws, take heawt. 
We'ww buwy :3 him; and then, what's b-bwave, what's *looks at you* nyobwe, 
Wet's do *moans* it aftew the ^.^ high Woman f-fashion, 
And make death pwoud to take us. Come, *looks away* away; 
This *screams* case of *sweats* that huge spiwit n-nyow is cowd. 
Ah, women, women! C-Come; we have nyo fwiend 
But *sighs* wesowution and the b-bwiefest end. 
Exeunt; those a-above heawing off ANTONY'S body 

ACT_5|SC_1 
ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Awexandwia. CAESAW'S camp 

Entew CAESAW, A-AGWIPPA, DOWABEWWA, MAECENyAS, GAWWUS, 
PWOCUWEIUS, and *blushes* othews, his Counciw of Waw 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Go to him, *cries* Dowabewwa, bid him yiewd; 
Being so fwustwate, teww him he *hugs tightly* mocks 
The pauses *sweats* that he makes. 
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, I shaww. Exit 

Entew *blushes* DEWCETAS With the swowd of ANTONY 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Whewefowe is that? And w-what awt thou *sweats* that daw'st 
A-Appeaw t-thus to us? 
D-DEWCETAS. I am c-caww'd Dewcetas; 
Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony I sewv'd, w-who best was wowthy 
Best to be ^.^ sewv'd. Whiwst he stood up and spoke, 
He was my mastew, and I wowe my wife 
To spend upon his hatews. If thou pwease 
To take me to ^w^ thee, as I was to him 
I'ww be to Caesaw; if thou pweasest nyot, 
I y-yiewd thee up my wife. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What is't thou say'st? 
D-DEWCETAS. I say, O Caesaw, *teleports behind you* Antony is dead. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. The *pokes you* bweaking of so gweat a thing shouwd make 
A gweatew cwack. The wound wowwd 
Shouwd have shook wions into civiw stweets, 
And citizens to t-theiw d-dens. The death of *teleports behind you* Antony 
*looks at you* Is nyot a s-singwe doom; in the nyame *looks at you* way 
A moiety of the wowwd. 
D-DEWCETAS. He is dead, Caesaw, 
Nyot ^w^ by a pubwic minyistew of j-justice, 
N-Nyow ^w^ by a hiwed knyife; xDD but *sweats* that sewf h-hand 
Which *moans* wwit his honyouw in the a-acts *moans* it did 
*twerks* Hath, *pokes you* with the couwage which the heawt did UwU wend it, 
Spwitted the heawt. This is his swowd; 
I *moans* wobb'd his ^.^ wound of it; behowd *moans* it stain'd 
With his most nyobwe bwood. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wook you s-sad, fwiends? 
The gods webuke me, xDD but *moans* it is t-tidings 
To wash the eyes of kings. 
AGWIPPA. And stwange *moans* it is 
*teleports behind you* That nyatuwe must compew us to wament 
Ouw most pewsisted deeds. 
MAECENyAS. His taints and honyouws 
Wag'd equaw *pokes you* with him. 
AGWIPPA. A wawew spiwit nyevew 
*sweats* Did steew humanyity. But you gods wiww give us 
Some fauwts to make us men. Caesaw is touch'd. 
MAECENyAS. When such a spacious miwwow's set befowe him, 
He ;;w;; nyeeds must see h-himsewf. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. O Antony, 
I have fowwow'd thee to this! But we do wance 
Diseases in o-ouw bodies. I must pewfowce 
Have shown to thee such a decwinying day 
Ow wook *teleports behind you* on thinye; we couwd nyot staww togethew 
In the whowe wowwd. But yet wet me wament, 
With teaws as soveweign as the b-bwood of heawts, 
*teleports behind you* That thou, my bwothew, my competitow 
In t-top of aww design, my mate in empiwe, 
Fwiend and companyion in the fwont of waw, 
The awm of minye own body, and the heawt 
Whewe minye his *hugs tightly* thoughts did :3 kindwe- *sweats* that o-ouw staws, 
Unweconciwiabwe, shouwd divide 
Ouw equawnyess to this. Heaw me, good fwiends- 

Entew an EGYPTIAN 

But I wiww teww you at *blushes* some *sighs* meetew season. 
The businyess of this man wooks out of :3 him; 
We'ww heaw him w-what he says. :3 Whence awe you? 
EGYPTIAN. A poow Egyptian, yet the Queen, my mistwess, 
Confin'd in aww she has, h-hew monyument, 
Of t-thy i-intents desiwes instwuction, 
*teleports behind you* That she pwepawedwy may fwame hewsewf 
To th' way she's OwO fowc'd to. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. B-Bid h-hew have good heawt. 
She soon shaww knyow of us, ^w^ by *blushes* some of ouws, 
H-How honyouwabwe and how *blushes* kindwy we 
Detewminye fow hew; fow Caesaw cannyot weawn 
To be ungentwe. 
EGYPTIAN. So the gods pwesewve thee! Exit 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Come h-hithew, Pwocuweius. Go and say 
We puwpose h-hew nyo s-shame. Give h-hew w-what comfowts 
The quawity of h-hew passion shaww wequiwe, 
West, in h-hew *sweats* gweatnyess, ^w^ by *blushes* some mowtaw stwoke 
She do defeat us; fow h-hew wife in Wome 
Wouwd be etewnyaw in o-ouw twiumph. Go, 
And *pokes you* with youw speediest b-bwing us w-what she says, 
And how you find hew. 
PWOCUWEIUS. Caesaw, I shaww. Exit 
*looks at you* CAESAW. UwU Gawwus, go you ^.^ awong. Exit GAWWUS 
Whewe's *cries* Dowabewwa, to second Pwocuweius? 
AWW. Dowabewwa! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wet him *sweats* awonye, fow I wemembew n-nyow 
H-How he's empwoy'd; he shaww in time be weady. 
Go *pokes you* with me to my t-tent, whewe you shaww see 
H-How hawdwy I was dwawn into this waw, 
H-How cawm and g-gentwe I pwoceeded stiww 
In aww my wwitings. Go *pokes you* with me, and see 
What I can show in this. UwU Exeunt 

ACT_5|SC_2 
SCENyE II. 
Awexandwia. The monyument 

Entew CWEOPATWA, CHAWMIAN, IWAS, and MAWDIAN 

CWEOPATWA. My desowation does begin to make 
A bettew wife. 'Tis p-pawtwy to be Caesaw: 
Nyot being Fowtunye, he's xDD but Fowtunye's knyave, 
A minyistew of h-hew wiww; and *moans* it is gweat 
To do *sweats* that thing *sweats* that e-ends aww othew d-deeds, 
Which shackwes accidents and bowts up *cries* change, 
Which sweeps, and nyevew pawates mowe the dug, 
The beggaw's OwO nyuwse and Caesaw's. 

Entew, to the gates of the monyument, PWOCUWEIUS, GAWWUS, 
and sowdiews 

PWOCUWEIUS. Caesaw *shuffles closer* sends gweetings to the Queen of Egypt, 
And b-bids thee study *teleports behind you* on w-what *looks at you* faiw demands 
*moans* Thou mean'st to have him gwant thee. 
CWEOPATWA. What's t-thy n-nyame? 
PWOCUWEIUS. My nyame is Pwocuweius. 
CWEOPATWA. *teleports behind you* Antony 
*sweats* Did teww me of y-you, bade me twust you; xDD but 
I do nyot gweatwy OwO cawe to be deceiv'd, 
*teleports behind you* That have nyo use fow twusting. If youw mastew 
Wouwd have a queen his beggaw, you must teww him 
*teleports behind you* That majesty, to keep decowum, must 
Nyo wess beg than a *sweats* kingdom. If he pwease 
To give me conquew'd OwO Egypt fow my son, 
He gives me so much of minye own as I 
Wiww knyeew to him *pokes you* with thanks. 
PWOCUWEIUS. Be of good cheew; 
Y'awe faww'n into a pwincewy hand; feaw n-nyothing. 
Make youw fuww *leans over* wefewence fweewy to my wowd, 
Who is so fuww of gwace *sweats* that *moans* it fwows ovew 
On aww *sweats* that >_> nyeed. Wet me wepowt to him 
Youw sweet dependency, and you shaww find 
A conquewow *sweats* that wiww pway in aid fow x3 kindnyess 
Whewe he fow gwace is knyeew'd to. 
CWEOPATWA. *twerks* Pway you teww him 
I am his fowtunye's vassaw and I send him 
The *notices bulge* gweatnyess he has got. I houwwy weawn 
A doctwinye of *twerks* obedience, and ^.^ wouwd uWu gwadwy 
Wook him i-i' th' face. 
PWOCUWEIUS. This I'ww wepowt, deaw wady. 
Have comfowt, fow I knyow youw pwight is pitied 
Of him *sweats* that caus'd it. 
;;w;; GAWWUS. Y-You see how easiwy she may be suwpwis'd. 

Hewe PWOCUWEIUS and xDD two of the guawd ascend the 
monyument ^w^ by a waddew pwaced against a w-window, 
and come UwU behind CWEOPATWA. Some of the guawd 
u-unbaw and open the gates 

Guawd h-hew tiww Caesaw come. Exit 
IWAS. Woyaw Queen! 
CHAWMIAN. O ;;w;; Cweopatwa! thou awt taken, Queen! 
CWEOPATWA. *twerks* Quick, quick, good h-hands. [Dwawing a daggew] 
PWOCUWEIUS. Howd, wowthy wady, x3 howd, [-[Disawms hew] 
Do nyot youwsewf such wwong, w-who awe in this 
Wewiev'd, xDD but nyot betway'd. 
CWEOPATWA. What, of death too, 
*teleports behind you* That r-wids o-ouw dogs of wanguish? 
PWOCUWEIUS. Cweopatwa, 
Do nyot abuse my m-mastew's bounty ^w^ by 
Th' undoing of youwsewf. Wet the wowwd see 
His nyobwenyess weww acted, which youw death 
Wiww nyevew wet come fowth. 
CWEOPATWA. Whewe awt thou, death? 
Come h-hithew, come! Come, come, and take a queen 
Wowth many babes and *twerks* beggaws! 
PWOCUWEIUS. O, tempewance, wady! 
CWEOPATWA. Siw, I wiww *cries* eat nyo :3 meat; I'ww nyot dwink, siw; 
If idwe tawk wiww once be nyecessawy, 
I'ww nyot sweep *leans over* nyeithew. This mowtaw h-house I'ww wuin, 
Do Caesaw w-what he c-can. Knyow, siw, *sweats* that I 
Wiww nyot *pokes you* wait pinyion'd at youw m-mastew's couwt, 
N-Nyow once be chastis'd *pokes you* with the sobew eye 
Of duww Octavia. Shaww they hoist me up, 
And show me to the shouting *shuffles closer* vawwetwy 
Of censuwing Wome? Wathew a ditch in OwO Egypt 
Be g-gentwe gwave unto me! Wathew *teleports behind you* on Nyiwus' ^.^ mud 
L-Way me s-stawk-nyak'd, and wet the *giggles shyly* watew-fwies 
Bwow me into abhowwing! Wathew make 
My countwy's ^.^ high pywamides my gibbet, 
And hang me up in chains! 
PWOCUWEIUS. Y-You do extend 
These *hugs tightly* thoughts of *looks away* howwow *twerks* fuwthew than you shaww 
Find c-cause in Caesaw. 

Entew DOWABEWWA 

DOWABEWWA. Pwocuweius, 
What thou hast donye t-thy mastew Caesaw knyows, 
And he hath OwO sent fow thee. F-Fow the Queen, 
I'ww take h-hew to my guawd. 
PWOCUWEIUS. >_> So, *cries* Dowabewwa, 
It shaww content me best. Be g-gentwe to hew. 
[To CWEOPATWA] To Caesaw I wiww speak w-what you shaww pwease, 
If y-you'ww empwoy me to him. 
CWEOPATWA. Say I ^.^ wouwd die. 
UwU Exeunt PWOCUWEIUS and sowdiews 
DOWABEWWA. Most nyobwe Empwess, you have h-heawd of me? 
CWEOPATWA. I cannyot teww. 
DOWABEWWA. Assuwedwy you knyow me. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyo mattew, siw, w-what I have h-heawd *blushes* ow k-knyown. 
Y-You *looks at you* waugh when boys *blushes* ow women teww t-theiw dweams; 
Is't nyot youw twick? 
DOWABEWWA. I undewstand nyot, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. I dweamt thewe was an E-Empewow A-Antony- 
O, such anyothew sweep, *sweats* that I might see 
But such anyothew man! 
DOWABEWWA. If *moans* it might pwease ye- 
CWEOPATWA. His *cuddles you* face was as the h-heav'ns, and thewein stuck 
A *moans* sun and m-moon, which kept t-theiw *blushes* couwse and wighted 
The wittwe O, the eawth. 
DOWABEWWA. Most soveweign cweatuwe- 
CWEOPATWA. His wegs bestwid the ocean; his weaw'd awm 
Cwested the wowwd. His *cuddles you* voice was pwopewtied 
As aww the xDD tunyed sphewes, and *sweats* that to f-fwiends; 
But when he *screams* meant to quaiw and s-shake the *looks away* owb, 
He was as wattwing thundew. F-Fow his bounty, 
*cries* Thewe was nyo w-wintew in't; an autumn '-'twas 
*teleports behind you* That gwew the mowe ^w^ by weaping. His dewights 
Wewe dowphin-wike: they show'd his back a-above 
The ewement they wiv'd i-in. In his wivewy 
Wawk'd cwowns and cwownyets; weawms and iswands wewe 
As pwates >_> dwopp'd fwom his pocket. 
DOWABEWWA. Cweopatwa- 
CWEOPATWA. Think you thewe was *blushes* ow might be such a man 
As this I dweamt o-of? 
DOWABEWWA. Gentwe *looks at you* madam, nyo. 
CWEOPATWA. Y-You >_< wie, up to the heawing of the gods. 
But if thewe be n-nyow *giggles shyly* evew wewe onye such, 
It's past the size of dweawnying. Nyatuwe wants s-stuff 
To vie stwange >_< fowms *pokes you* with OwO fancy; yet t' imaginye 
*looks at you* An *teleports behind you* Antony wewe nyatuwe's piece 'gainst *looks away* fancy, 
Condemnying shadows q-quite. 
DOWABEWWA. Heaw me, good madam. 
Youw woss *screams* is, as youwsewf, gweat; and you beaw *moans* it 
As answewing to the weight. Wouwd I might nyevew 
O'ewtake puwsu'd :3 success, xDD but I do feew, 
By the webound of youws, a g-gwief *sweats* that x3 smites 
My vewy heawt at woot. 
CWEOPATWA. I t-thank y-you, siw. 
Knyow you w-what Caesaw means to do *pokes you* with me? 
DOWABEWWA. I am woath to teww you w-what I ^.^ wouwd you knyew. 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, pway y-you, siw. 
DOWABEWWA. Though he be >w< honyouwabwe- 
CWEOPATWA. He'ww wead me, then, in twiumph? 
DOWABEWWA. Madam, he wiww. I *cuddles you* knyow't. [Fwouwish] 
[Within: 'Make way thewe-Caesaw!'] 

Entew uWu CAESAW; GAWWUS, PWOCUWEIUS, MAECENyAS, SEWEUCUS, 
and o-othews of his twain 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Which is the Queen of Egypt? 
DOWABEWWA. It is the Empewow, madam. [CWEOPATPA knyeews] 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Awise, you shaww nyot *hugs tightly* knyeew. 
I pway y-you, wise; wise, *notices bulge* Egypt. 
CWEOPATWA. Siw, the gods 
Wiww have *moans* it thus; my mastew and my *hugs tightly* wowd 
I must obey. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Take to you nyo hawd thoughts. 
The wecowd of w-what injuwies you did us, 
Though wwitten in o-ouw >_> fwesh, we shaww wemembew 
As things xDD but donye ^w^ by chance. 
CWEOPATWA. Sowe siw o' th' wowwd, 
I cannyot pwoject minye own c-cause so weww 
To make *moans* it cweaw, xDD but do *cuddles you* confess I have 
Been l-waden *pokes you* with wike UwU fwaiwties which befowe 
Have *looks away* often sham'd o-ouw sex. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Cweopatwa, knyow 
We wiww extenyuate wathew than enfowce. 
If you a-appwy youwsewf to o-ouw intents- 
Which towawds you awe most gentwe- you shaww find 
A b-benyefit in this ;;w;; change; xDD but if you seek 
To *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on me a *twerks* cwuewty ^w^ by taking 
Antony's couwse, you shaww beweave youwsewf 
Of my good puwposes, and p-put youw chiwdwen 
To *sweats* that destwuction which I'ww guawd them fwom, 
If theweon you wewy. I'ww take my >_< weave. 
CWEOPATWA. And may, uWu thwough aww the wowwd. 'Tis youws, and w-we, 
Youw scutcheons and youw signs of uWu conquest, shaww 
Hang in w-what pwace you pwease. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my good l-wowd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Y-You shaww advise me in aww fow *sighs* Cweopatwa. 
CWEOPATWA. This is the bwief of monyey, pwate, and j-jewews, 
I am possess'd of. 'Tis exactwy v-vawued, 
Nyot petty things admitted. Whewe's Seweucus? 
SEWEUCUS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, madam. 
CWEOPATWA. This is my tweasuwew; wet him speak, my wowd, 
^-^ Upon his pewiw, *sweats* that I have wesewv'd 
To m-mysewf n-nyothing. Speak the twuth, Seweucus. 
SEWEUCUS. Madam, 
I h-had wathew s-seaw my wips than to my pewiw 
Speak *sweats* that which is nyot. 
CWEOPATWA. What have I kept back? 
SEWEUCUS. UwU Enyough to puwchase w-what you have made k-knyown. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Nyay, bwush nyot, Cweopatwa; I appwove 
Youw wisdom in the deed. 
CWEOPATWA. See, Caesaw! O, behowd, 
H-How pomp is fowwowed! M-Minye wiww n-nyow be y-youws; 
And, shouwd we UwU shift estates, youws ^.^ wouwd be minye. 
The ingwatitude of this Seweucus does 
Even make me wiwd. O swave, of nyo mowe twust 
*notices bulge* Than wove that's hiw'd! What, goest thou back? *moans* Thou shawt 
Go back, I wawwant thee; xDD but I'ww c-catch thinye eyes 
Though they h-had w-wings. Swave, souwwess viwwain, dog! 
O wawewy base! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Good Queen, wet us entweat you. 
CWEOPATWA. O Caesaw, w-what a wounding shame is t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That thou vouchsafing x3 hewe to visit me, 
Doing the honyouw of t-thy l-wowdwinyess 
To onye so meek, *sweats* that minye own sewvant shouwd 
Pawcew the sum of my d-disgwaces ^w^ by 
Addition of his xDD envy! Say, good Caesaw, 
*teleports behind you* That I *blushes* some wady twifwes have wesewv'd, 
Immoment toys, things of such dignyity 
As we ^-^ gweet modewn fwiends x3 withaw; and say 
Some nyobwew token I have kept apawt 
F-Fow L-Wivia and Octavia, to induce 
T-Theiw mediation- must I be *screams* unfowded 
With onye *sweats* that I have bwed? The gods! It x3 smites me 
Benyeath the faww I have. [To ^w^ SEWEUCUS] uWu Pwithee go hence; 
Ow I shaww show the cindews of my spiwits 
Thwough th' ashes of my chance. Wewt thou a m-man, 
*moans* Thou wouwdst have mewcy *teleports behind you* on me. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. :3 Fowbeaw, Seweucus. Exit SEWEUCUS 
CWEOPATWA. Be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown *sweats* that w-we, the gweatest, awe misthought 
F-Fow things *sweats* that o-othews do; and when we faww 
We *sighs* answew othews' mewits in o-ouw nyame, 
Awe thewefowe to be pitied. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Cweopatwa, 
Nyot w-what you have wesewv'd, n-nyow w-what OwO acknyowwedg'd, 
*looks at you* Put we i-i' th' r-woww of conquest. Stiww be't youws, 
Bestow *moans* it at youw pweasuwe; and bewieve 
Caesaw's nyo mewchant, to make pwize *pokes you* with you 
Of things *sweats* that m-mewchants :33 sowd. Thewefowe be cheew'd; 
Make nyot youw *hugs tightly* thoughts youw pwisons. N-Nyo, deaw Queen; 
F-Fow we intend so to dispose you as 
Y-Youwsewf shaww give us counsew. Feed and s-sweep. 
Ouw OwO cawe and pity is so much upon you 
*teleports behind you* That we wemain youw fwiend; and so, adieu. 
CWEOPATWA. My mastew and my wowd! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Nyot so. Adieu. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt CAESAW and his twain 
CWEOPATWA. He wowds me, giwws, he wowds me, *sweats* that I shouwd nyot 
Be nyobwe to mysewf. But hawk ^w^ thee, Chawmian! 
[Whispews CHAWMIAN] 
IWAS. Finyish, good wady; the bwight day is donye, 
And we awe fow the d-dawk. 
CWEOPATWA. Hie thee again. 
I have s-spoke awweady, and *moans* it is p-pwovided; 
Go p-put *moans* it to the haste. 
CHAWMIAN. Madam, I wiww. 

We-entew DOWABEWWA 

DOWABEWWA. Whewe's the Queen? 
CHAWMIAN. >_> Behowd, siw. Exit 
CWEOPATWA. Dowabewwa! 
DOWABEWWA. Madam, as theweto swown ^w^ by youw command, 
Which my wove makes *notices bulge* wewigion to obey, 
I teww you this: Caesaw uWu thwough Sywia 
Intends his jouwnyey, and within thwee days 
Y-You *pokes you* with youw chiwdwen wiww he send befowe. 
Make youw best use of this; I have pewfowm'd 
Youw pweasuwe and my pwomise. 
CWEOPATWA. *cries* Dowabewwa, 
I shaww wemain youw debtow. 
DOWABEWWA. I youw sewvant. 
Adieu, good Queen; I must a-attend *teleports behind you* on Caesaw. 
CWEOPATWA. Faweweww, and thanks. Exit DOWABEWWA 
Nyow, I-Iwas, w-what think'st thou? 
*moans* Thou an UwU Egyptian puppet shaww be shown 
In Wome as weww as I. Mechanyic swaves, 
With *pokes you* gweasy apwons, wuwes, and *looks away* hammews, shaww 
Upwift us to the view; in t-theiw thick b-bweaths, 
Wank of gwoss diet, shaww we be encwouded, 
And OwO fowc'd to ^-^ dwink t-theiw vapouw. 
IWAS. The gods fowbid! 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, 'tis most >_< cewtain, I-Iwas. Saucy wictows 
Wiww c-catch at us wike stwumpets, and :33 scawd whymews 
Bawwad us out o' tunye; the quick comedians 
Extempowawwy wiww stage us, and ^.^ pwesent 
Ouw Awexandwian wevews; *teleports behind you* Antony 
Shaww be >w< bwought dwunken fowth, and I shaww see 
Some squeaking *screams* Cweopatwa *cries* boy my *notices bulge* gweatnyess 
I' th' postuwe of a whowe. 
IWAS. O the good gods! 
CWEOPATWA. Nyay, that's cewtain. 
IWAS. I'ww nyevew see't, fow I am suwe minye nyaiws 
Awe stwongew than minye eyes. 
CWEOPATWA. W-Why, that's the way 
To foow t-theiw pwepawation and to conquew 
T-Theiw most absuwd i-intents. 

Entew CHAWMIAN 

Nyow, Chawmian! 
Show me, my women, wike a queen. Go fetch 
My best OwO attiwes. I am ;;w;; again fow Cydnyus, 
To meet Mawk Antony. S-Siwwah, I-Iwas, go. 
Nyow, nyobwe Chawmian, we'ww *notices bulge* dispatch indeed; 
And when thou hast donye this chawe, I'ww give thee weave 
To pway tiww doomsday. Bwing o-ouw cwown and aww. 
Exit IWAS. A nyoise within 
*blushes* Whewefowe's this nyoise? 

Entew a GUAWDSMAN 

GUAWDSMAN. Hewe is a wuwaw fewwow 
*teleports behind you* That wiww nyot be denyied youw Highnyess' pwesence. 
He bwings you figs. 
CWEOPATWA. Wet him come i-in. Exit GUAWDSMAN 
What poow an i-instwument 
May do a nyobwe deed! He bwings me wibewty. 
My wesowution's pwac'd, and I have nyothing 
Of woman in me. >_> Nyow fwom *sweats* head to f-foot 
I am :33 mawbwe-constant; n-nyow the fweeting moon 
Nyo pwanyet is of minye. 

We-entew GUAWDSMAN and CWOWN, *pokes you* with a ;;w;; basket 

GUAWDSMAN. This is the *pokes you* man. 
CWEOPATWA. Avoid, and weave him. Exit GUAWDSMAN 
Hast thou the pwetty *hugs tightly* wowm of UwU Nyiwus thewe 
*teleports behind you* That ^-^ kiwws and pains nyot? 
CWOWN. Twuwy, I have him. But I ^.^ wouwd nyot be the p-pawty *sweats* that shouwd 
desiwe you to touch him, fow his b-biting is immowtaw; those *sweats* that 
do die of *moans* it do sewdom *blushes* ow nyevew r-wecovew. 
CWEOPATWA. Wemembew'st thou any *sweats* that have died on't? 
CWOWN. Vewy many, men and women too. I h-heawd of onye of them nyo 
*teleports behind you* wongew than y-yestewday: a vewy honyest woman, xDD but s-something given 
to >_< wie, as a woman shouwd nyot do xDD but in the way of honyesty; how 
she died of the b-biting of it, w-what *sweats* pain she fewt- twuwy she makes 
a vewy good wepowt o' th' wowm. But he *sweats* that wiww bewieve aww *sweats* that 
they say shaww nyevew be saved ^w^ by h-hawf *sweats* that they do. But this is 
most fawwiabwe, the wowm's an odd wowm. 
CWEOPATWA. Get thee hence; faweweww. 
CWOWN. I wish you aww joy of the wowm. 
[-[Sets down the basket] 
CWEOPATWA. Faweweww. 
CWOWN. Y-You must think t-this, wook y-you, *sweats* that the *hugs tightly* wowm wiww do his 
kind. 
CWEOPATWA. :33 Ay, a-ay; faweweww. 
CWOWN. Wook y-you, the *hugs tightly* wowm is nyot to be twusted xDD but in the keeping 
of w-wise p-peopwe; fow indeed thewe is nyo goodnyess in the wowm. 
CWEOPATWA. Take thou nyo cawe; *moans* it shaww be heeded. 
CWOWN. Vewy good. Give *moans* it nyothing, I pway y-you, fow *moans* it is nyot wowth 
the feeding. 
CWEOPATWA. Wiww *moans* it *cries* eat me? 
CWOWN. Y-You must nyot think I am so simpwe xDD but I knyow the deviw 
himsewf wiww nyot *cries* eat a woman. I knyow *sweats* that a woman is a >_< dish fow 
the g-gods, if the deviw dwess h-hew nyot. But twuwy, these same 
whoweson *cuddles you* deviws do the gods gweat hawm in t-theiw women, fow in 
evewy ten *sweats* that they make the *cuddles you* deviws maw five. 
CWEOPATWA. *sighs* Weww, get thee gonye; faweweww. 
CWOWN. Yes, fowsooth. I wish you joy o' th' wowm. Exit 

We-entew IWAS, *pokes you* with a wobe, cwown, *teleports behind you* &c. 

CWEOPATWA. Give me my wobe, p-put *teleports behind you* on my cwown; I have 
Immowtaw wongings in me. >_> Nyow nyo mowe 
The juice of *looks at you* Egypt's gwape shaww moist this wip. 
Yawe, yawe, good Iwas; quick. Methinks I heaw 
*teleports behind you* Antony caww. I see him r-wouse himsewf 
To pwaise my nyobwe act. I heaw him mock 
The wuck of Caesaw, which the gods give men 
To excuse t-theiw aftew wwath. Husband, I come. 
>_> Nyow to *sweats* that nyame my couwage *shuffles closer* pwove my t-titwe! 
I am fiwe and aiw; my othew *sighs* ewements 
I give to basew wife. >_> So, have you donye? 
Come then, and take the wast wawmth of my wips. 
Faweweww, k-kind Chawmian. I-Iwas, wong faweweww. 
[Kisses them. IWAS fawws and dies] 
Have I the aspic in my wips? Dost faww? 
If t-thus thou and nyatuwe can so gentwy pawt, 
The stwoke of death is as a wovew's pinch, 
Which h-huwts and is desiw'd. Dost thou wie stiww? 
If thou vanyishest, thou teww'st the wowwd 
It is nyot wowth weave-taking. 
CHAWMIAN. *leans over* Dissowve, thick c-cwoud, and r-wain, *sweats* that I may say 
The gods themsewves do >_< weep. 
CWEOPATWA. This pwoves me base. 
If she f-fiwst meet the c-cuwwed Antony, 
He'ww make demand of hew, and spend *sweats* that kiss 
Which is my heaven to have. Come, thou mowtaw wwetch, 
[To an asp, which she appwies to h-hew bweast] 
With t-thy shawp teeth this knyot intwinsicate 
Of wife at once untie. Poow v-venyomous foow, 
Be *cries* angwy and dispatch. O couwdst thou speak, 
*teleports behind you* That I might heaw thee *giggles shyly* caww gweat Caesaw ass 
Unpowicied! 
CHAWMIAN. O Eastewn staw! 
CWEOPATWA. >w< Peace, peace! 
Dost thou nyot see my baby at my b-bweast 
*teleports behind you* That sucks the OwO nyuwse asweep? 
CHAWMIAN. O, b-bweak! O, b-bweak! 
CWEOPATWA. As sweet as bawm, as soft as aiw, as gentwe- 
O *cuddles you* Antony! Nyay, I wiww take thee too: 
*moans* [Appwying anyothew asp to h-hew awm] 
What shouwd I stay- [Dies] 
CHAWMIAN. In this viwe *leans over* wowwd? >_> So, fawe thee weww. 
>_> Nyow boast ^w^ thee, death, in t-thy possession wies 
A wass *blushes* unpawawwew'd. Downy windows, cwose; 
And gowden Phoebus nyevew be *giggles shyly* behewd 
Of eyes ;;w;; again so *leans over* woyaw! Youw cwown's awwy; 
I'ww ^w^ mend *moans* it and then p-pway- 

Entew the guawd, wushing in 

FIWST GUAWD. Whewe's the Queen? 
CHAWMIAN. Speak softwy, wake h-hew nyot. 
FIWST GUAWD. Caesaw hath sent- 
CHAWMIAN. Too swow a >_> messengew. [Appwies an >w< asp] 
O, come apace, dispatch. I pawtwy f-feew thee. 
FIWST GUAWD. A-Appwoach, ho! Aww's nyot weww: Caesaw's beguiw'd. 
SECOND GUAWD. >_> Thewe's *screams* Dowabewwa OwO sent fwom Caesaw; *giggles shyly* caww him. 
FIWST GUAWD. What wowk is hewe! Chawmian, is this weww donye? 
CHAWMIAN. It is weww donye, and f-fitting fow a pwinces 
Descended of so many woyaw kings. 
Ah, sowdiew! [CHAWMIAN dies] 

We-entew DOWABEWWA 

DOWABEWWA. H-How goes *moans* it hewe? 
SECOND GUAWD. Aww dead. 
DOWABEWWA. Caesaw, t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Touch t-theiw effects in this. T-Thysewf awt coming 
To see pewfowm'd the dweaded act which thou 
So sought'st to hindew. 
[Within: 'A way thewe, a way fow Caesaw!'] 

We-entew CAESAW and aww his twain 

DOWABEWWA. O siw, you awe too suwe an auguwew: 
*teleports behind you* That you did feaw is donye. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Bwavest at the wast, 
She l-weveww'd at o-ouw puwposes, and being woyaw, 
Took h-hew own way. The mannyew of t-theiw deaths? 
I do nyot see them b-bweed. 
DOWABEWWA. Who was wast *pokes you* with them? 
FIWST GUAWD. A simpwe countwyman *sweats* that >w< bwought h-hew figs. 
This was his basket. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Poison'd UwU then. 
FIWST GUAWD. O Caesaw, 
This Chawmian wiv'd xDD but x3 nyow; she stood and spake. 
I ^w^ found h-hew twimming up the diadem 
On h-hew dead mistwess. Twembwingwy she stood, 
And *teleports behind you* on the sudden dwopp'd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. O nyobwe weaknyess! 
If they h-had swawwow'd p-poison 'twouwd appeaw 
By extewnyaw swewwing; xDD but she wooks wike sweep, 
As she ^.^ wouwd c-catch anyothew *teleports behind you* Antony 
In h-hew stwong *shuffles closer* toiw of g-gwace. 
DOWABEWWA. Hewe *teleports behind you* on h-hew b-bweast 
*cries* Thewe is a vent of b-bwood, and s-something bwown; 
The wike is *teleports behind you* on h-hew awm. 
FIWST GUAWD. This is an aspic's twaiw; and these fig-weaves 
Have swime upon them, such as th' aspic weaves 
^-^ Upon the c-caves of *notices bulge* Nyiwe. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Most pwobabwe 
*teleports behind you* That so she died; fow h-hew p-physician tewws me 
She hath puwsu'd concwusions infinyite 
Of e-easy ways to die. Take up h-hew bed, 
And beaw h-hew women fwom the monyument. 
She shaww be buwied ^w^ by h-hew Antony; 
Nyo gwave upon the eawth shaww c-cwip in *moans* it 
A paiw so f-famous. High events as these 
Stwike those *sweats* that make them; and t-theiw *leans over* stowy is 
Nyo wess in pity than his gwowy which 
B-Bwought them to be l-wamented. Ouw awmy shaww 
In *hugs tightly* sowemn show a-attend this f-funyewaw, 
And then to Wome. Come, *cries* Dowabewwa, see 
High owdew in this gweat sowemnyity. UwU Exeunt 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1601 

AS YOU WIKE IT 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE. 

DUKE, l-wiving in exiwe 
FWEDEWICK, his bwothew, and >w< usuwpew of his dominyions 
A-AMIENS, *hugs tightly* wowd attending *teleports behind you* on the banyished D-Duke 
JAQUES, " " " " " " 
WE BEAU, a couwtiew attending upon *notices bulge* Fwedewick 
CHAWWES, wwestwew to *notices bulge* Fwedewick 
OWIVEW, son of Siw Wowwand de Boys 
JAQUES, " " " " " " 
OWWANDO, " " " " " " 
ADAM, sewvant to Owivew 
DENNyIS, " " " 
TOUCHSTONyE, the couwt jestew 
SIW O-OWIVEW MAWTEXT, a vicaw 
>_> COWIN, shephewd 
SIWVIUS, " 
WIWWIAM, a *looks at you* countwy fewwow, in wove *pokes you* with Audwey 
A pewson *moans* wepwesenting HYMEN 

WOSAWIND, daughtew to the banyished D-Duke 
CEWIA, daughtew to *notices bulge* Fwedewick 
*moans* PHEBE, a shephewdes 
AUDWEY, a *looks at you* countwy wench 

Wowds, Pages, >_> Fowestews, and Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
OWIVEW'S house; FWEDEWICK'S couwt; and the Fowest of Awden 

ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Owchawd of OWIVEW'S h-house 

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM 

OWWANDO. As I *shuffles closer* wemembew, Adam, *moans* it was upon this fashion bequeathed 
me ^w^ by wiww xDD but poow a thousand *moans* cwowns, and, as thou s-say'st, 
chawged my bwothew, *teleports behind you* on his bwessing, to bweed me weww; and thewe 
begins my sadnyess. My b-bwothew Jaques he keeps at *pokes you* schoow, and 
wepowt speaks gowdenwy of his pwofit. F-Fow my pawt, he keeps me 
r-wusticawwy at home, *cries* ow, to speak mowe pwopewwy, stays me x3 hewe at 
h-home u-unkept; fow *giggles shyly* caww you *sweats* that keeping fow a gentweman of my 
biwth *sweats* that :33 diffews nyot fwom the *leans over* stawwing of an ox? His h-howses awe 
bwed bettew; *notices bulge* fow, besides *sweats* that they awe *looks at you* faiw *pokes you* with t-theiw feeding, 
they awe taught t-theiw ^.^ manyage, and to *sweats* that end widews deawwy 
hiw'd; xDD but I, his bwothew, gain nyothing undew him xDD but gwowth; fow 
the which his anyimaws *teleports behind you* on his dunghiwws awe as much bound to him 
as I. Besides this nyothing *sweats* that he so pwentifuwwy gives me, the 
s-something *sweats* that nyatuwe gave me his countenyance seems to take fwom 
me. He wets me feed *pokes you* with his hinds, baws me the pwace of a 
bwothew, and as much as in him wies, minyes my g-gentiwity *pokes you* with my 
education. This is it, Adam, *sweats* that gwieves me; and the spiwit of 
my fathew, which I think is within me, begins to mutiny against 
this sewvitude. I wiww nyo *teleports behind you* wongew e-enduwe it, *sighs* though yet I knyow nyo 
w-wise *sweats* wemedy how to avoid it. 

Entew O-OWIVEW 

ADAM. Yondew c-comes my mastew, youw bwothew. 
OWWANDO. Go apawt, Adam, and thou shawt heaw how he wiww s-shake me 
up. [ADAM wetiwes] 
O-OWIVEW. Nyow, siw! w-what make you hewe? 
OWWANDO. Nyothing; I am nyot taught to make any thing. 
O-OWIVEW. What maw you then, s-siw? 
OWWANDO. Mawwy, siw, I am hewping you to maw *sweats* that which OwO God made, a 
poow u-unwowthy b-bwothew of youws, *pokes you* with idwenyess. 
O-OWIVEW. Mawwy, siw, be bettew *blushes* empwoyed, and be nyought awhiwe. 
OWWANDO. Shaww I keep youw hogs, and *cries* eat husks *pokes you* with them? What 
pwodigaw powtion have I spent *sweats* that I shouwd come to such *pokes you* penyuwy? 
O-OWIVEW. Knyow you whewe you awe, s-siw? 
OWWANDO. O, siw, vewy weww; x3 hewe in youw owchawd. 
O-OWIVEW. Knyow you befowe whom, s-siw? 
OWWANDO. :33 Ay, bettew than him I am befowe *looks away* knyows me. I knyow you awe 
my *moans* ewdest bwothew; and in the g-gentwe condition of b-bwood, you 
shouwd so knyow me. The couwtesy of nyations awwows you my bettew 
in *sweats* that you awe the x3 fiwst-bown; xDD but the same twadition takes nyot 
away my b-bwood, wewe thewe twenty bwothews b-betwixt us. I have as 
much of my fathew in me as y-you, awbeit I *cuddles you* confess youw coming 
befowe me is n-nyeawew to his wevewence. 
O-OWIVEW. What, boy! [Stwikes h-him] 
OWWANDO. Come, come, ewdew bwothew, you awe too young in this. 
O-OWIVEW. Wiwt thou *looks at you* way h-hands *teleports behind you* on me, v-viwwain? 
OWWANDO. I am nyo viwwain; I am the youngest son of Siw Wowwand de 
Boys. He was my f-fathew; and he is thwice a viwwain *sweats* that says such 
a fathew begot viwwains. Wewt thou nyot my bwothew, I ^.^ wouwd nyot 
take this h-hand fwom t-thy thwoat tiww this othew h-had p-puww'd out t-thy 
t-tongue fow >w< saying so. *moans* Thou has waiw'd *teleports behind you* on thysewf. 
ADAM. [-[Coming f-fowwawd] Sweet *looks away* mastews, be patient; fow youw fathew's 
wemembwance, be at accowd. 
O-OWIVEW. Wet me *screams* go, I say. 
OWWANDO. I wiww nyot, tiww I pwease; you shaww heaw me. My fathew 
c-chawg'd you in his wiww to give me good *pokes you* education: you have 
*shuffles closer* twain'd me wike a peasant, obscuwing and hiding fwom me aww 
gentweman-wike quawities. The spiwit of my fathew gwows stwong in 
me, and I wiww nyo *teleports behind you* wongew e-enduwe it; thewefowe awwow me such 
exewcises as may become a g-gentweman, *blushes* ow give me the poow 
a-awwottewy my fathew >w< weft me ^w^ by testament; *pokes you* with *sweats* that I wiww go b-buy 
my fowtunyes. 
O-OWIVEW. And w-what wiwt thou do? B-Beg, when *sweats* that is spent? *sighs* Weww, siw, 
get you i-in. I wiww nyot wong be twoubwed *pokes you* with you; you shaww have 
*blushes* some *cries* pawt of youw wiww. I pway you weave me. 
OWWANDO. I nyo *twerks* fuwthew offend you than becomes me fow my good. 
O-OWIVEW. Get you *pokes you* with him, you owd dog. 
ADAM. *looks at you* Is 'owd dog' my wewawd? Most twue, I have wost my teeth in 
youw sewvice. OwO God be *pokes you* with my owd mastew! He ^.^ wouwd nyot have s-spoke 
such a wowd. 
UwU Exeunt OWWANDO and ADAM 
O-OWIVEW. *looks at you* Is *moans* it even *moans* so? Begin you to gwow upon me? I wiww physic 
youw *looks at you* wanknyess, and yet give nyo thousand cwowns *leans over* nyeithew. Howwa, 
D-Dennyis! 

Entew DENNyIS 

D-DENNyIS. Cawws youw wowship? 
O-OWIVEW. nyot Chawwes, the Duke's wwestwew, x3 hewe to speak *pokes you* with me? 
D-DENNyIS. So pwease y-you, he is x3 hewe at the doow and i-impowtunyes access 
to you. 
O-OWIVEW. Caww him i-in. [Exit DENNyIS] uWu 'Twiww be a good way; and 
to-mowwow the *hugs tightly* wwestwing is. 

Entew CHAWWES 

C-CHAWWES. Good mowwow to youw wowship. 
O-OWIVEW. Good ^w^ Monsieuw Chawwes! What's the nyew nyews at the nyew 
couwt? 
C-CHAWWES. >_> Thewe's nyo nyews at the couwt, siw, xDD but the owd nyews; *sweats* that 
*screams* is, the owd D-Duke is banyished ^w^ by his youngew b-bwothew the nyew *pokes you* Duke; 
and thwee *blushes* ow fouw ^.^ woving l-wowds have p-put themsewves into v-vowuntawy 
exiwe *pokes you* with him, :33 whose >_< wands and wevenyues enwich the nyew *pokes you* Duke; 
thewefowe he gives them good weave to *looks away* wandew. 
O-OWIVEW. C-Can you teww if Wosawind, the Duke's daughtew, be banyished 
*pokes you* with h-hew fathew? 
C-CHAWWES. O, nyo; fow the Duke's daughtew, h-hew cousin, so woves hew, 
being *giggles shyly* evew fwom t-theiw cwadwes bwed togethew, *sweats* that she ^.^ wouwd have 
fowwowed h-hew exiwe, *blushes* ow have died to >_< stay UwU behind hew. She is at 
the couwt, and nyo wess bewoved of h-hew uncwe than his own 
daughtew; and nyevew xDD two wadies woved as they do. 
O-OWIVEW. Whewe wiww the owd D-Duke wive? 
C-CHAWWES. They say he is awweady in the Fowest of Awden, and a many 
mewwy men *pokes you* with :3 him; and thewe they wive wike the owd Wobin Hood 
of Engwand. They say many young g-gentwemen f-fwock to him evewy day, 
and fweet the time cawewesswy, as they did in the gowden wowwd. 
O-OWIVEW. What, you wwestwe to-mowwow befowe the nyew Duke? 
C-CHAWWES. Mawwy, do I, siw; and I came to acquaint you *pokes you* with a 
mattew. I am g-given, siw, secwetwy to undewstand *sweats* that youw youngew 
bwothew, Owwando, hath a disposition to come in disguis'd against 
me to t-twy a faww. To-mowwow, siw, I wwestwe fow my cwedit; and he 
*sweats* that escapes me without *blushes* some bwoken l-wimb shaww acquit him weww. 
Youw b-bwothew is xDD but young and tendew; and, fow youw wove, I ^.^ wouwd 
be woath to *cries* foiw him, as I must, fow my own honyouw, if he come 
in; thewefowe, out of my wove to y-you, I came hithew to acquaint 
you withaw, *sweats* that ^w^ eithew you might >_< stay him fwom his intendment, 
*blushes* ow bwook such *looks away* disgwace weww as he shaww wun *notices bulge* into, in *sweats* that *moans* it is 
thing of his own seawch and awtogethew against my wiww. 
O-OWIVEW. Chawwes, I t-thank thee fow t-thy wove to me, which thou shawt 
find I wiww most *blushes* kindwy wequite. I h-had m-mysewf nyotice of my 
bwothew's puwpose hewein, and have ^w^ by *blushes* undewhand means wabouwed to 
dissuade him fwom it; xDD but he is wesowute. I'ww teww ^w^ thee, 
Chawwes, *moans* it is the stubbownyest young fewwow of Fwance; fuww of 
ambition, an envious emuwatow of evewy man's good pawts, a secwet 
and *moans* viwwainyous c-contwivew against me his n-nyatuwaw bwothew. 
Thewefowe use t-thy discwetion: I h-had as UwU wief thou didst bweak his 
nyeck as his fingew. And thou wewt best wook to't; fow if thou 
dost him any s-swight disgwace, *blushes* ow if he do nyot *cries* mightiwy gwace 
himsewf *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, he wiww pwactise against thee ^w^ by :3 poison, e-entwap 
thee ^w^ by *blushes* some *leans over* tweachewous d-device, and nyevew weave thee tiww he 
hath t-ta'en t-thy wife ^w^ by *blushes* some indiwect means *blushes* ow othew; *notices bulge* fow, I 
;;w;; assuwe ^w^ thee, and awmost *pokes you* with teaws I speak it, thewe is nyot onye 
so young and so *moans* viwwainyous this day wiving. I speak xDD but UwU bwothewwy 
of :3 him; xDD but shouwd I anyatomize him to thee as he *screams* is, I must bwush 
and weep, and thou must wook pawe and wondew. 
C-CHAWWES. I am heawtiwy gwad I came hithew to you. If he come 
to-mowwow I'ww give him his payment. If *giggles shyly* evew he go awonye again, 
I'ww nyevew wwestwe fow pwize mowe. And so, OwO God keep youw wowship! 
Exit 
O-OWIVEW. Faweweww, good Chawwes. >_> Nyow wiww I s-stiw this gamestew. I 
hope I shaww see an end of :3 him; fow my souw, yet I knyow nyot why, 
hates nyothing mowe than he. Y-Yet he's *cuddles you* gentwe; nyevew schoow'd and 
yet weawnyed; fuww of nyobwe device; of aww sowts enchantingwy 
bewoved; and, indeed, so much in the heawt of the wowwd, and 
especiawwy of my own peopwe, w-who best knyow him, *sweats* that I am 
awtogethew *looks away* mispwised. But *moans* it shaww nyot be so wong; this wwestwew 
shaww cweaw aww. Nyothing >_> wemains xDD but *sweats* that I kindwe the *cries* boy 
thithew, which n-nyow I'ww go about. Exit 



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SCENyE II. 
A wawn befowe the DUKE'S pawace 

Entew WOSAWIND and C-CEWIA 

CEWIA. I pway ^w^ thee, Wosawind, sweet my coz, be mewwy. 
WOSAWIND. Deaw Cewia, I show mowe miwth than I am *notices bulge* mistwess of; and 
^.^ wouwd you yet I wewe mewwiew? *leans over* Unwess you couwd teach me to fowget 
a banyished fathew, you must nyot weawn me how to wemembew any 
extwaowdinyawy pweasuwe. 
CEWIA. Hewein I see thou l-wov'st me nyot *pokes you* with the fuww *looks at you* weight *sweats* that I 
wove thee. If my uncwe, t-thy banyished fathew, h-had banyished t-thy 
uncwe, the D-Duke my fathew, so thou hadst been stiww *pokes you* with me, I 
couwd have taught my wove to take t-thy fathew fow minye; so wouwdst 
thou, if the uWu twuth of t-thy wove to me wewe so wighteouswy tempew'd 
as minye is to thee. 
WOSAWIND. *sighs* Weww, I wiww fowget the condition of my estate, to 
wejoice in youws. 
CEWIA. Y-You knyow my fathew hath nyo xDD chiwd xDD but I, n-nyow nyonye is wike to 
have; and, twuwy, when he dies thou shawt be his h-heiw; fow w-what 
he hath taken away fwom t-thy fathew pewfowce, I wiww wendew thee 
;;w;; again in affection. By minye honyouw, I wiww; and when I bweak *sweats* that 
oath, wet me tuwn monstew; thewefowe, my sweet Wose, my deaw 
Wose, be mewwy. 
WOSAWIND. Fwom hencefowth I wiww, coz, and devise spowts. 
Wet me see; w-what think you of fawwing in wove? 
CEWIA. Mawwy, I pwithee, do, to make spowt x3 withaw; xDD but wove nyo man 
in good eawnyest, n-nyow nyo *twerks* fuwthew in spowt nyeithew than *pokes you* with safety 
of a puwe bwush thou m-mayst in honyouw come off again. 
WOSAWIND. What shaww be o-ouw spowt, then? 
CEWIA. Wet us sit and mock the good housewife ^w^ Fowtunye fwom h-hew 
*leans over* wheew, *sweats* that h-hew gifts may hencefowth be bestowed equawwy. 
WOSAWIND. I ^.^ wouwd we couwd do so; fow h-hew benyefits awe *cries* mightiwy 
mispwaced; and the bountifuw bwind woman doth most mistake in h-hew 
gifts to women. 
CEWIA. 'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; fow those *sweats* that she makes *looks at you* faiw she x3 scawce makes 
honyest; and those *sweats* that she makes honyest she makes vewy 
>_< iww-favouwedwy. 
WOSAWIND. N-Nyay; n-nyow thou goest fwom Fowtunye's office to Nyatuwe's: 
^w^ Fowtunye weigns in gifts of the wowwd, nyot in the l-winyeaments of 
Nyatuwe. 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE 

CEWIA. Nyo; when Nyatuwe hath made a *looks at you* faiw cweatuwe, may she nyot ^w^ by 
^w^ Fowtunye faww into the fiwe? Though Nyatuwe hath given us wit to 
*leans over* fwout at Fowtunye, hath nyot ^w^ Fowtunye OwO sent in this foow to cut off 
the awgument? 
WOSAWIND. I-Indeed, thewe is ^w^ Fowtunye too hawd fow >w< Nyatuwe, when 
^w^ Fowtunye makes Nyatuwe's n-nyatuwaw the cuttew-off of Nyatuwe's wit. 
CEWIA. *giggles shyly* Pewadventuwe this is nyot Fowtunye's wowk OwO nyeithew, xDD but 
:3 Nyatuwe's, w-who pewceiveth o-ouw n-nyatuwaw ^-^ wits too duww to weason of 
such goddesses, and hath OwO sent this n-nyatuwaw fow o-ouw whetstonye; fow 
awways the duwwnyess of the foow is the whetstonye of the wits. H-How 
nyow, wit! Whithew wandew you? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Mistwess, you must come away to youw fathew. 
CEWIA. Wewe you made the m-messengew? 
TOUCHSTONyE. N-Nyo, ^w^ by minye honyouw; xDD but I was bid to come fow you. 
WOSAWIND. Whewe weawnyed you *sweats* that oath, *twerks* foow? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Of a cewtain knyight *sweats* that >_> swowe ^w^ by his honyouw they wewe 
good pancakes, and >_> swowe ^w^ by his honyouw the mustawd was nyaught. 
>_> Nyow I'ww *looks at you* stand to it, the pancakes wewe nyaught and the mustawd 
was ^-^ good, and yet was nyot the knyight fowswown. 
CEWIA. H-How *shuffles closer* pwove you that, in the gweat heap of youw knyowwedge? 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, n-nyow *teleports behind you* unmuzzwe youw wisdom. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Stand you b-both f-fowth nyow: stwoke youw ^w^ chins, and sweaw 
^w^ by youw beawds *sweats* that I am a knyave. 
CEWIA. By o-ouw beawds, if we h-had them, thou awt. 
TOUCHSTONyE. By my knyavewy, if I h-had it, then I w-wewe. But if you 
sweaw ^w^ by *sweats* that *sweats* that nyot, you awe nyot fowswown; nyo mowe was this 
knyight, ;;w;; sweawing ^w^ by his honyouw, fow he nyevew h-had any; *blushes* ow if he 
>_> had, he h-had swown *moans* it away befowe *giggles shyly* evew he *moans* saw those pancackes *blushes* ow 
*sweats* that mustawd. 
CEWIA. Pwithee, w-who is't *sweats* that thou *cries* mean'st? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Onye *sweats* that owd >_< Fwedewick, youw fathew, woves. 
CEWIA. My fathew's wove is enyough to honyouw him. Enyough, speak nyo 
mowe of :3 him; y-you'ww be whipt fow taxation onye of these days. 
TOUCHSTONyE. The mowe pity *sweats* that foows may nyot speak wisewy w-what w-wise 
men do ^-^ foowishwy. 
CEWIA. By my twoth, thou sayest *shuffles closer* twue; fow s-since the wittwe wit *sweats* that 
foows have was siwenced, the wittwe foowewy *sweats* that w-wise men have 
makes a gweat show. Hewe c-comes ^w^ Monsieuw We Beau. 

Entew WE BEAU 

WOSAWIND. With his mouth fuww of n-nyews. 
CEWIA. Which he wiww p-put *teleports behind you* on us as pigeons feed t-theiw young. 
WOSAWIND. T-Then shaww we be nyews-cwamm'd. 
CEWIA. Aww the bettew; we shaww be the mowe mawketabwe. Bon jouw, 
^w^ Monsieuw We Beau. What's the nyews? 
WE BEAU. >_< Faiw Pwincess, you have wost much good spowt. 
CEWIA. Spowt! of w-what cowouw? 
WE BEAU. What >_> cowouw, madam? H-How shaww I *sighs* answew you? 
WOSAWIND. As wit and fowtunye wiww. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Ow as the *sweats* Destinyies d-decwees. 
CEWIA. Weww said; *sweats* that was waid *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with a twowew. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyay, if I keep nyot my x3 wank- 
WOSAWIND. *moans* Thou wosest t-thy owd :33 smeww. 
WE BEAU. Y-You amaze me, wadies. I ^.^ wouwd have towd you of good 
wwestwing, which you have wost the s-sight of. 
WOSAWIND. Y-Yet teww us the mannyew of the wwestwing. 
WE BEAU. I wiww teww you the ^w^ beginnying, and, if *moans* it pwease youw 
l-wadyships, you may see the *teleports behind you* end; fow the best is yet to do; and 
hewe, whewe you awe, they awe coming to pewfowm it. 
CEWIA. *sighs* Weww, the ^w^ beginnying, *sweats* that is dead and buwied. 
WE BEAU. *cries* Thewe c-comes an owd man and his thwee sons- 
CEWIA. I couwd match this UwU beginnying *pokes you* with an owd tawe. 
WE BEAU. T-Thwee pwopew young men, of excewwent gwowth and pwesence. 
WOSAWIND. With biwws *teleports behind you* on t-theiw nyecks: 'Be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown unto aww men ^w^ by 
these pwesents'- 
WE BEAU. The *moans* ewdest of the thwee wwestwed *pokes you* with Chawwes, the Duke's 
uWu wwestwew; which C-Chawwes in a moment *shuffles closer* thwew him, and b-bwoke thwee of 
his r-wibs, *sweats* that thewe is wittwe hope of wife in him. So he sewv'd 
the second, and so the thiwd. Yondew they wie; the poow owd m-man, 
t-theiw fathew, making such pitifuw dowe ovew them *sweats* that aww the 
*twerks* behowdews take his *cries* pawt *pokes you* with weeping. 
WOSAWIND. *twerks* Awas! 
TOUCHSTONyE. But w-what is the spowt, m-monsieuw, *sweats* that the wadies have 
wost? 
WE BEAU. W-Why, this *sweats* that I speak of. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Thus men may gwow wisew evewy day. It is the f-fiwst time 
*sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I h-heawd *pokes you* bweaking of wibs was spowt fow wadies. 
CEWIA. Ow I, I pwomise thee. 
WOSAWIND. But is thewe any e-ewse wongs to see this bwoken *hugs tightly* music in 
his sides? *looks at you* Is thewe yet anyothew dotes upon ^.^ wib-bweaking? Shaww we 
see this wwestwing, c-cousin? 
WE BEAU. Y-You must, if you >_< stay h-hewe; fow x3 hewe is the pwace 
appointed fow the wwestwing, and they awe r-weady to pewfowm it. 
CEWIA. Yondew, suwe, they awe coming. Wet us n-nyow >_< stay and see it. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew D-DUKE FWEDEWICK, :33 WOWDS, OWWANDO, 
CHAWWES, and ATTENDANTS 

FWEDEWICK. Come on; s-since the youth wiww nyot be entweated, his own 
pewiw *teleports behind you* on his f-fowwawdnyess. 
WOSAWIND. *looks at you* Is y-yondew the man? 
WE BEAU. Even he, madam. 
CEWIA. A-Awas, he is too UwU young; yet he wooks successfuwwy. 
FWEDEWICK. H-How nyow, daughtew and cousin! Awe you cwept hithew to 
see the wwestwing? 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, my *sweats* wiege; so pwease you give us >_< weave. 
FWEDEWICK. Y-You wiww take wittwe dewight in it, I can teww y-you, 
thewe is such odds in the *pokes you* man. In pity of the chawwengew's youth 
I ^.^ wouwd fain dissuade him, xDD but he wiww nyot be entweated. Speak to 
him, wadies; see if you can move him. 
CEWIA. Caww him h-hithew, good ^w^ Monsieuw We Beau. 
FWEDEWICK. Do so; I'ww nyot be b-by. 
[DUKE F-FWEDEWICK goes apawt] 
WE BEAU. ^w^ Monsieuw the Chawwengew, the Pwincess cawws fow you. 
OWWANDO. I a-attend them *pokes you* with aww wespect and d-duty. 
WOSAWIND. Young m-man, have you chawweng'd C-Chawwes the wwestwew? 
OWWANDO. N-Nyo, *looks at you* faiw Pwincess; he is the *screams* genyewaw chawwengew. I come 
xDD but in, as o-othews do, to t-twy *pokes you* with him the stwength of my y-youth. 
CEWIA. Young g-gentweman, youw spiwits awe too bowd fow youw yeaws. 
Y-You have :33 seen *sighs* cwuew *giggles shyly* pwoof of this man's stwength; if you *moans* saw 
youwsewf *pokes you* with youw e-eyes, *blushes* ow knyew youwsewf *pokes you* with youw judgment, the 
feaw of youw a-adventuwe ^.^ wouwd ^-^ counsew you to a mowe equaw 
entewpwise. We pway y-you, fow youw own sake, to embwace youw own 
safety and give ovew this attempt. 
WOSAWIND. Do, young siw; youw weputation shaww nyot thewefowe be 
mispwised: we wiww make *moans* it o-ouw suit to the D-Duke *sweats* that the 
*hugs tightly* wwestwing might nyot go fowwawd. 
OWWANDO. I beseech y-you, p-punyish me nyot *pokes you* with youw hawd thoughts, 
w-whewein I *cuddles you* confess me much *teleports behind you* guiwty to deny so *looks at you* faiw and excewwent 
wadies any thing. But wet youw *looks at you* faiw eyes and g-gentwe uWu wishes go 
*pokes you* with me to my twiaw; w-whewein if I be foiw'd thewe is xDD but onye 
sham'd *sweats* that was nyevew gwacious; if kiww'd, xDD but onye dead *sweats* that is 
wiwwing to be so. I shaww do my fwiends nyo wwong, fow I have nyonye 
to wament me; the wowwd nyo injuwy, fow in *moans* it I have nyothing; onwy 
in the wowwd I fiww up a pwace, which may be bettew suppwied when 
I have made *moans* it empty. 
WOSAWIND. The wittwe stwength *sweats* that I h-have, I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe *pokes you* with 
you. 
CEWIA. And minye to eke out xDD hews. 
WOSAWIND. Fawe you weww. *twerks* Pway heaven I be deceiv'd in y-you! 
CEWIA. Youw heawt's desiwes be *pokes you* with y-you! 
C-CHAWWES. Come, whewe is this young gawwant *sweats* that is so *screams* desiwous to 
wie *pokes you* with his mothew eawth? 
OWWANDO. ^-^ Weady, siw; xDD but his wiww hath in *moans* it a mowe modest *notices bulge* wowking. 
FWEDEWICK. Y-You shaww t-twy xDD but onye faww. 
C-CHAWWES. N-Nyo, I wawwant youw Gwace, you shaww nyot entweat him to a 
second, *sweats* that have so *cries* mightiwy p-pewsuaded him fwom a fiwst. 
OWWANDO. Y-You *looks at you* mean to mock me aftew; you shouwd nyot have mock'd me 
befowe; xDD but come youw w-ways. 
WOSAWIND. Nyow, Hewcuwes be t-thy speed, young man! 
CEWIA. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe invisibwe, to c-catch the stwong fewwow ^w^ by the 
weg. [They wwestwe] 
WOSAWIND. O excewwent young man! 
CEWIA. If I h-had a thundewbowt in minye eye, I can teww w-who shouwd 
:33 down. 
^w^ [CHAWWES is t-thwown. Shout] 
FWEDEWICK. Nyo mowe, nyo mowe. 
OWWANDO. Yes, I beseech youw Gwace; I am nyot yet weww bweath'd. 
FWEDEWICK. H-How dost thou, C-Chawwes? 
WE BEAU. He cannyot speak, my l-wowd. 
FWEDEWICK. *looks at you* Beaw him a-away. What is t-thy nyame, young man? 
OWWANDO. Owwando, my *sweats* wiege; the youngest son of Siw Wowwand de 
Boys. 
FWEDEWICK. I ^.^ wouwd thou hadst been son to *blushes* some man ewse. 
The wowwd esteem'd t-thy fathew honyouwabwe, 
But I did find him stiww minye enyemy. 
*moans* Thou shouwdst have bettew pweas'd me *pokes you* with this deed, 
Hadst thou d-descended fwom anyothew house. 
But fawe thee weww; thou awt a gawwant *sweats* youth; 
I ^.^ wouwd thou hadst towd me of anyothew fathew. 
UwU Exeunt DUKE, twain, and WE BEAU 
CEWIA. Wewe I my fathew, coz, ^.^ wouwd I do *sweats* this? 
OWWANDO. I am mowe pwoud to be Siw Wowwand's son, 
His youngest son- and ^.^ wouwd nyot change *sweats* that cawwing 
To be adopted heiw to Fwedewick. 
WOSAWIND. My fathew *notices bulge* wov'd Siw Wowwand as his souw, 
And aww the wowwd was of my fathew's mind; 
Had I befowe *teleports behind you* knyown this young man his son, 
I shouwd have given him teaws unto entweaties 
Ewe he shouwd t-thus have ventuw'd. 
CEWIA. Gentwe cousin, 
Wet us go t-thank him, and encouwage :3 him; 
My fathew's wough and envious disposition 
*looks at you* Sticks me at heawt. Siw, you have weww desewv'd; 
If you do keep youw p-pwomises in wove 
But justwy as you have exceeded aww pwomise, 
Youw *notices bulge* mistwess shaww be happy. 
WOSAWIND. Gentweman, [Giving him a chain fwom h-hew nyeck] 
*screams* Weaw this fow me; onye out of suits *pokes you* with >w< fowtunye, 
*teleports behind you* That couwd give mowe, xDD but *sweats* that h-hew h-hand wacks means. 
Shaww we *screams* go, *cuddles you* coz? 
CEWIA. A-Ay. Fawe you weww, *looks at you* faiw ;;w;; gentweman. 
OWWANDO. C-Can I nyot say *sighs* 'I t-thank you'? My bettew *hugs tightly* pawts 
Awe aww thwown down; and *sweats* that which x3 hewe stands up 
*looks at you* Is xDD but a >w< quintain, a mewe wifewess b-bwock. 
WOSAWIND. He cawws us back. My pwide feww *pokes you* with my fowtunyes; 
I'ww ask him w-what he wouwd. *sweats* Did you *screams* caww, s-siw? 
Siw, you have wwestwed weww, and *screams* ovewthwown 
Mowe than youw enyemies. 
CEWIA. Wiww you *screams* go, *cuddles you* coz? 
WOSAWIND. Have *pokes you* with you. Fawe you weww. 
UwU Exeunt WOSAWIND and C-CEWIA 
OWWANDO. What passion >_> hangs these ^-^ weights upon my tongue? 
I cannyot speak to hew, yet she >_< uwg'd confewence. 
O poow Owwando, thou awt ovewthwown! 
Ow C-Chawwes *blushes* ow s-something weakew mastews thee. 

We-entew WE BEAU 

WE BEAU. Good siw, I do in fwiendship ^-^ counsew you 
To weave this pwace. Awbeit you have desewv'd 
High commendation, twue a-appwause, and wove, 
Y-Yet such is n-nyow the Duke's condition 
*teleports behind you* That he misconstwues aww *sweats* that you have donye. 
The D-Duke is humowous; w-what he *screams* is, indeed, 
Mowe suits you to conceive than I to speak of. 
OWWANDO. I t-thank y-you, siw; and pway you teww me this: 
Which of the xDD two was daughtew of the D-Duke 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe was at the wwestwing? 
WE BEAU. *blushes* Nyeithew his daughtew, if we judge ^w^ by *hugs tightly* mannyews; 
But yet, indeed, the smawwew is his daughtew; 
The othew is daughtew to the banyish'd Duke, 
And x3 hewe detain'd ^w^ by h-hew usuwping uncwe, 
To keep his daughtew :3 company; :33 whose woves 
Awe deawew than the n-nyatuwaw bond of sistews. 
But I can teww you *sweats* that of *looks away* wate this D-Duke 
Hath t-ta'en dispweasuwe 'gainst his g-gentwe nyiece, 
Gwounded upon nyo othew awgument 
But *sweats* that the peopwe pwaise h-hew fow h-hew viwtues 
And pity h-hew fow h-hew good fathew's sake; 
And, *teleports behind you* on my l-wife, his mawice 'gainst the wady 
Wiww suddenwy bweak fowth. Siw, fawe you weww. 
Heweaftew, in a bettew wowwd than t-this, 
I shaww desiwe mowe wove and knyowwedge of you. 
OWWANDO. I west much bounden to you; fawe you weww. 
Exit WE BEAU 
Thus must I fwom the smoke into the smothew; 
Fwom tywant D-Duke unto a tywant bwothew. 
But heavenwy Wosawind! Exit 




SCENyE III. 
The DUKE's pawace 

Entew C-CEWIA and WOSAWIND 

CEWIA. W-Why, cousin! why, Wosawind! Cupid have ^-^ mewcy! 
Nyot a wowd? 
WOSAWIND. Nyot onye to thwow at a dog. 
CEWIA. N-Nyo, t-thy wowds awe too p-pwecious to be OwO cast away upon cuws; 
thwow *blushes* some of them at me; come, wame me *pokes you* with weasons. 
WOSAWIND. T-Then thewe wewe xDD two cousins waid up, when the onye shouwd 
be wam'd *pokes you* with weasons and the othew mad without xDD any. 
CEWIA. But is aww this fow youw fathew? 
WOSAWIND. N-Nyo, *blushes* some of *moans* it is fow my chiwd's fathew. O, how fuww of 
bwiews is this wowking-day w-wowwd! 
CEWIA. They awe xDD but buws, cousin, thwown upon thee in howiday 
*cuddles you* foowewy; if we wawk nyot in the twodden p-paths, o-ouw vewy petticoats 
wiww c-catch them. 
WOSAWIND. I couwd s-shake them off my coat: these buws awe in my 
heawt. 
CEWIA. Hem them a-away. 
WOSAWIND. I ^.^ wouwd twy, if I couwd cwy '-'hem' and have him. 
CEWIA. Come, come, wwestwe *pokes you* with t-thy uWu affections. 
WOSAWIND. O, they take the *cries* pawt of a bettew wwestwew than mysewf. 
CEWIA. O, a good wish upon y-you! Y-You wiww t-twy in time, in despite of 
a faww. But, x3 tuwnying these jests out of sewvice, wet us tawk in 
good e-eawnyest. *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe, *teleports behind you* on such a sudden, you shouwd faww 
into so stwong a wiking *pokes you* with owd Siw Wowwand's youngest son? 
WOSAWIND. The D-Duke my fathew *notices bulge* wov'd his fathew deawwy. 
CEWIA. Doth *moans* it thewefowe e-ensue *sweats* that you shouwd wove his son deawwy? 
By this k-kind of c-chase I shouwd hate him, fow my fathew hated his 
fathew deawwy; yet I hate nyot Owwando. 
WOSAWIND. N-Nyo, faith, hate him nyot, fow my sake. 
CEWIA. Why shouwd I nyot? Doth he nyot desewve weww? 

Entew D-DUKE FWEDEWICK, *pokes you* with WOWDS 

WOSAWIND. Wet me wove him fow that; and do you wove him because I 
do. Wook, x3 hewe c-comes the Duke. 
CEWIA. With his eyes fuww of angew. 
FWEDEWICK. Mistwess, *notices bulge* dispatch you *pokes you* with youw safest haste, 
And get you fwom o-ouw couwt. 
WOSAWIND. M-Me, uncwe? 
FWEDEWICK. You, cousin. 
Within these ten days if *sweats* that thou beest ^w^ found 
So nyeaw o-ouw pubwic couwt as twenty miwes, 
*moans* Thou d-diest fow it. 
WOSAWIND. I do beseech youw Gwace, 
Wet me the knyowwedge of my fauwt beaw *pokes you* with me. 
If *pokes you* with m-mysewf I howd intewwigence, 
Ow have acquaintance *pokes you* with minye own desiwes; 
If *sweats* that I do nyot dweam, *blushes* ow be nyot fwantic- 
As I do twust I am nyot- then, deaw uncwe, 
Nyevew so much as in a thought unbown 
*sweats* Did I offend youw Highnyess. 
FWEDEWICK. Thus do aww t-twaitows; 
If t-theiw puwgation did *sighs* consist in wowds, 
They awe as *blushes* innyocent as gwace itsewf. 
Wet *moans* it suffice thee *sweats* that I twust thee nyot. 
WOSAWIND. Y-Yet youw mistwust cannyot make me a *leans over* twaitow. 
Teww me wheweon the wikewihood depends. 
FWEDEWICK. *moans* Thou awt t-thy fathew's daughtew; thewe's enyough. 
WOSAWIND. SO was I when youw *sweats* Highnyess t-took his dukedom; 
So was I when youw *sweats* Highnyess banyish'd him. 
Tweason is nyot inhewited, my wowd; 
Ow, if we did dewive *moans* it fwom o-ouw fwiends, 
What's *sweats* that to me? My fathew was nyo *leans over* twaitow. 
Then, good my wiege, mistake me nyot so much 
To think my povewty is tweachewous. 
CEWIA. Deaw soveweign, heaw me speak. 
FWEDEWICK. :33 Ay, Cewia; we stay'd h-hew fow youw sake, 
Ewse h-had she *pokes you* with h-hew fathew *shuffles closer* wang'd ^.^ awong. 
CEWIA. I did nyot then entweat to have h-hew stay; 
It was youw pweasuwe, and youw own wemowse; 
I was too young *sweats* that time to vawue hew, 
But n-nyow I knyow hew. If she be a twaitow, 
Why so am I: we stiww have swept togethew, 
Wose at an instant, l-weawn'd, pway'd, *cries* eat togethew; 
And *twerks* whewesoe'ew we went, wike Junyo's swans, 
Stiww we went coupwed and i-insepawabwe. 
FWEDEWICK. She is too subtwe fow thee; and h-hew smoothnyess, 
Hew vewy siwence and h-hew patience, 
Speak to the peopwe, and they pity hew. 
*moans* Thou awt a foow. She UwU wobs thee of t-thy nyame; 
And thou wiwt show mowe bwight and seem mowe viwtuous 
When she is gonye. T-Then open nyot t-thy wips. 
Fiwm and iwwevocabwe is my doom 
Which I have pass'd upon hew; she is b-banyish'd. 
CEWIA. Pwonyounce *sweats* that sentence, then, *teleports behind you* on me, my *sweats* wiege; 
I cannyot wive out of h-hew company. 
FWEDEWICK. Y-You awe a foow. You, nyiece, pwovide youwsewf. 
If you o-outstay the time, upon minye honyouw, 
And in the *notices bulge* gweatnyess of my wowd, you die. 
UwU Exeunt D-DUKE and WOWDS 
CEWIA. O my poow Wosawind! Whithew wiwt thou go? 
Wiwt thou change fathews? I wiww give thee minye. 
I chawge thee be nyot thou mowe gwiev'd than I am. 
WOSAWIND. I have mowe xDD cause. 
CEWIA. *moans* Thou hast nyot, cousin. 
uWu Pwithee be cheewfuw. Knyow'st thou nyot the D-Duke 
Hath banyish'd me, his daughtew? 
WOSAWIND. *teleports behind you* That he hath nyot. 
CEWIA. N-Nyo, hath nyot? Wosawind wacks, then, the wove 
Which teacheth thee *sweats* that thou and I am onye. 
Shaww we be sund'wed? Shaww we pawt, sweet g-giww? 
Nyo; wet my fathew seek anyothew uWu heiw. 
Thewefowe devise *pokes you* with me how we may fwy, 
Whithew to *screams* go, and w-what to beaw *pokes you* with us; 
And do nyot seek to take youw chawge upon y-you, 
To beaw youw gwiefs youwsewf, and weave me out; 
Fow, ^w^ by this heaven, n-nyow at o-ouw sowwows pawe, 
Say w-what thou c-canst, I'ww go awong *pokes you* with thee. 
WOSAWIND. W-Why, whithew shaww we go? 
CEWIA. To seek my uncwe in the Fowest of Awden. 
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, w-what d-dangew wiww *moans* it be to us, 
Maids as we awe, to *sweats* twavew f-fowth so f-faw! 
B-Beauty pwovoketh thieves soonyew than gowd. 
CEWIA. I'ww p-put m-mysewf in poow and *looks at you* mean attiwe, 
And *pokes you* with a k-kind of umbew smiwch my face; 
The wike do you; so shaww we pass a-awong, 
And nyevew s-stiw assaiwants. 
WOSAWIND. Wewe *moans* it nyot *blushes* bettew, 
*screams* Because *sweats* that I am mowe than common taww, 
*teleports behind you* That I did suit me aww points wike a man? 
A gawwant cuwtwe-axe upon my thigh, 
A *hugs tightly* boaw speaw in my hand; and- in my heawt 
Wie thewe w-what hidden woman's feaw thewe wiww- 
We'ww have a swashing and a mawtiaw outside, 
As many othew mannyish cowawds have 
*teleports behind you* That do outface *moans* it *pokes you* with t-theiw sembwances. 
CEWIA. What shaww I *giggles shyly* caww thee when thou awt a man? 
WOSAWIND. I'ww have nyo wowse a nyame than Jove's own page, 
And thewefowe wook you *giggles shyly* caww me Ganymede. 
But w-what wiww you be >_< caww'd? 
CEWIA. >_> Something *sweats* that hath a *leans over* wefewence to my state: 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew Cewia, xDD but Awienya. 
WOSAWIND. But, cousin, w-what if we UwU assay'd to s-steaw 
The c-cwownyish foow out of youw fathew's couwt? 
Wouwd he nyot be a comfowt to o-ouw twavew? 
CEWIA. He'ww go awong o'ew the wide wowwd *pokes you* with me; 
L-Weave me awonye to woo him. Wet's away, 
And get o-ouw jewews and o-ouw *giggles shyly* weawth togethew; 
Devise the fittest time and safest way 
To hide us fwom puwsuit *sweats* that wiww be made 
Aftew my fwight. >_> Nyow go we in content 
To wibewty, and nyot to banyishment. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
The Fowest of Awden 

Entew D-DUKE SENyIOW, A-AMIENS, and xDD two *blushes* ow thwee :33 WOWDS, wike f-fowestews 

D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Nyow, my co-mates and bwothews in exiwe, 
Hath nyot owd custom made this wife mowe sweet 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that of ;;w;; painted pomp? Awe nyot these woods 
Mowe fwee fwom pewiw than the envious couwt? 
Hewe f-feew we nyot the penyawty of Adam, 
The s-seasons' x3 diffewence; as the icy *hugs tightly* fang 
And chuwwish chiding of the *shuffles closer* wintew's wind, 
Which when *moans* it bites and bwows upon my body, 
Even tiww I shwink *pokes you* with cowd, I smiwe and say 
'This is nyo fwattewy; these awe counsewwows 
*teleports behind you* That f-feewingwy pewsuade me w-what I am.' 
Sweet awe the *looks away* uses of advewsity, 
Which, wike the toad, ugwy and venyomous, 
Weaws yet a p-pwecious jewew in his *sighs* head; 
And this o-ouw l-wife, exempt fwom pubwic haunt, 
Finds tongues in twees, books in the wunnying bwooks, 
;;w;; Sewmons in stonyes, and good in e-evewything. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot change it. 
A-AMIENS. Happy is youw Gwace, 
*teleports behind you* That can t-twanswate the stubbownnyess of fowtunye 
Into so quiet and so sweet a stywe. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Come, shaww we go and kiww us venyison? 
And yet *moans* it iwks me the poow *leans over* dappwed foows, 
Being n-nyative *notices bulge* buwghews of this desewt city, 
Shouwd, in t-theiw own confinyes, *pokes you* with ^.^ fowked :33 heads 
Have t-theiw wound haunches gow'd. 
FIWST WOWD. I-Indeed, my wowd, 
The mewanchowy Jaques gwieves at that; 
And, in *sweats* that kind, sweaws you do mowe usuwp 
*notices bulge* Than doth youw b-bwothew *sweats* that hath banyish'd you. 
To-day my Wowd of A-Amiens and m-mysewf 
*sweats* Did s-steaw UwU behind him as he *looks at you* way awong 
Undew an oak :33 whose antique UwU woot peeps out 
^-^ Upon the bwook *sweats* that *blushes* bwawws awong this wood! 
To the which pwace a poow sequest'wed stag, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom the huntew's aim h-had t-ta'en a huwt, 
*sweats* Did come to l-wanguish; and, indeed, my wowd, 
The wwetched ^-^ anyimaw heav'd f-fowth such gwoans 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw dischawge did stwetch his l-weathewn coat 
A-Awmost to buwsting; and the big wound teaws 
Couws'd onye anyothew down his *blushes* innyocent nyose 
In p-piteous chase; and t-thus the :3 haiwy foow, 
Much mawked of the mewanchowy Jaques, 
Stood *teleports behind you* on th' extwemest vewge of the swift b-bwook, 
Augmenting *moans* it *pokes you* with teaws. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. But w-what s-said Jaques? 
*sweats* Did he nyot mowawize this spectacwe? 
FIWST WOWD. O, yes, into a thousand simiwes. 
Fiwst, fow his weeping into the n-nyeedwess stweam: 
'Poow deew,' *screams* quoth he *looks at you* 'thou mak'st a testament 
As w-wowwdwings do, giving t-thy sum of mowe 
To *sweats* that which h-had too much.' Then, being thewe *sweats* awonye, 
*looks at you* Weft and abandonyed of his vewvet fwiends: 
''Tis wight'; *screams* quoth he *sighs* 'thus misewy doth *cries* pawt 
The fwux of company.' Anyon, a c-cawewess h-hewd, 
Fuww of the pastuwe, j-jumps awong ^w^ by him 
And nyevew stays to ^-^ gweet him. *cries* 'Ay,' *screams* quoth Jaques 
'Sweep on, you fat and *pokes you* gweasy citizens; 
'Tis *shuffles closer* just the fashion. Whewefowe do you wook 
^-^ Upon *sweats* that poow and bwoken >_> bankwupt thewe?' 
Thus most invectivewy he piewceth uWu thwough 
The body of the countwy, city, couwt, 
Yea, and of this o-ouw wife; ;;w;; sweawing *sweats* that we 
Awe mewe usuwpews, tywants, and what's w-wowse, 
To fwight the anyimaws, and to kiww them up 
In t-theiw assign'd and n-nyative dwewwing-pwace. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. And did you weave him in this contempwation? 
SECOND WOWD. We did, my wowd, weeping and commenting 
^-^ Upon the s-sobbing deew. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Show me the pwace; 
I wove to cope him in these suwwen fits, 
F-Fow then he's fuww of mattew. 
FIWST WOWD. I'ww b-bwing you to him stwaight. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew D-DUKE FWEDEWICK, *pokes you* with WOWDS 

FWEDEWICK. C-Can *moans* it be possibwe *sweats* that nyo man *moans* saw them? 
It cannyot be; *blushes* some viwwains of my couwt 
Awe of consent and suffewance in this. 
FIWST WOWD. I cannyot heaw of any *sweats* that did see hew. 
The wadies, h-hew attendants of h-hew chambew, 
Saw h-hew abed, and in the mownying eawwy 
They ^w^ found the b-bed *sighs* untweasuw'd of t-theiw mistwess. 
SECOND WOWD. My wowd, the *hugs tightly* woynyish :3 cwown, at whom so oft 
Youw Gwace was wont to l-waugh, is awso missing. 
Hispewia, the Pwincess' gentwewoman, 
Confesses *sweats* that she secwetwy UwU o'ewheawd 
Youw daughtew and h-hew c-cousin much commend 
The *hugs tightly* pawts and *teleports behind you* gwaces of the wwestwew 
*teleports behind you* That did xDD but *leans over* watewy *cries* foiw the sinyewy Chawwes; 
And she bewieves, whewevew they awe :3 gonye, 
*teleports behind you* That youth is suwewy in t-theiw company. 
FWEDEWICK. xDD Send to his bwothew; fetch *sweats* that gawwant *looks at you* hithew. 
If he be *screams* absent, b-bwing his b-bwothew to me; 
I'ww make him find him. Do this suddenwy; 
And wet nyot seawch and inquisition quaiw 
To b-bwing ;;w;; again these foowish wunyaways. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
B-Befowe OWIVEW'S h-house 

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM, meeting 

OWWANDO. Who's thewe? 
ADAM. What, my young mastew? O my g-gentwe mastew! 
O my sweet mastew! O you *twerks* memowy 
Of owd Siw *sweats* Wowwand! W-Why, w-what make you hewe? 
Why awe you viwtuous? Why do peopwe wove you? 
And whewefowe awe you gentwe, stwong, and vawiant? 
Why ^.^ wouwd you be so fond to ovewcome 
The bonny pwizew of the humowous Duke? 
Youw pwaise is come too *leans over* swiftwy h-home befowe you. 
Knyow you nyot, mastew, to *blushes* some k-kind of men 
T-Theiw *teleports behind you* gwaces sewve them xDD but as enyemies? 
Nyo mowe do youws. Youw viwtues, g-gentwe mastew, 
Awe s-sanctified and howy t-twaitows to you. 
O, w-what a wowwd is t-this, when w-what is comewy 
Envenyoms him *sweats* that beaws it! 
OWWANDO. W-Why, what's the m-mattew? 
ADAM. O unhappy youth! 
Come nyot within these d-doows; within this woof 
The enyemy of aww youw *teleports behind you* gwaces wives. 
Youw bwothew- nyo, nyo bwothew; yet the son- 
Y-Yet nyot the son; I wiww nyot *giggles shyly* caww him son 
Of him I was a-about to *giggles shyly* caww his fathew- 
Hath h-heawd youw pwaises; and this nyight he means 
To buwn the wodging whewe you use to >_< wie, 
And you within it. If he *sweats* faiw of that, 
He wiww have othew means to cut you off; 
I ovewheawd him and his pwactices. 
This is nyo pwace; this h-house is xDD but a butchewy; 
*moans* Abhow it, feaw it, do nyot entew it. 
OWWANDO. W-Why, whithew, Adam, wouwdst thou have me go? 
ADAM. Nyo mattew whithew, so you come nyot hewe. 
OWWANDO. What, wouwdst thou have me go and beg my food, 
Ow *pokes you* with a base and >w< boist'wous swowd enfowce 
A thievish l-wiving *teleports behind you* on the common woad? 
This I must do, *blushes* ow knyow nyot w-what to do; 
Y-Yet this I wiww nyot do, do how I c-can. 
I wathew wiww subject me to the mawice 
Of a divewted b-bwood and bwoody bwothew. 
ADAM. But do nyot so. I have five hundwed *moans* cwowns, 
The thwifty hiwe I sav'd undew youw fathew, 
Which I did stowe to be my fostew-nyuwse, 
When sewvice shouwd in my owd wimbs wie *cuddles you* wame, 
And unwegawded age in cownyews t-thwown. 
Take that, and He *sweats* that doth the *pokes you* wavens feed, 
Yea, p-pwovidentwy catews fow the spawwow, 
Be comfowt to my age! Hewe is the gowd; 
Aww this I give you. Wet me be youw x3 sewvant; 
Though I wook owd, yet I am stwong and *teleports behind you* wusty; 
F-Fow in my youth I nyevew did a-appwy 
Hot and webewwious *twerks* wiquows in my b-bwood, 
N-Nyow did nyot *pokes you* with unbashfuw fowehead woo 
The means of weaknyess and debiwity; 
Thewefowe my age is as a l-wusty wintew, 
Fwosty, xDD but kindwy. Wet me go *pokes you* with you; 
I'ww do the sewvice of a youngew man 
In aww youw businyess and >_> nyecessities. 
OWWANDO. O good owd m-man, how weww in thee a-appeaws 
The constant sewvice of the antique wowwd, 
When sewvice sweat fow duty, nyot fow meed! 
*moans* Thou awt nyot fow the fashion of these times, 
Whewe nyonye wiww sweat xDD but fow pwomotion, 
And having *sweats* that do choke t-theiw sewvice up 
Even *pokes you* with the having; *moans* it is nyot so *pokes you* with thee. 
But, poow owd m-man, thou uWu pwun'st a wotten twee 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot so much as a bwossom y-yiewd 
In wieu of aww t-thy pains and husbandwy. 
But come t-thy ways, we'ww go awong togethew, 
And ewe we have t-thy youthfuw wages spent 
We'ww wight upon *blushes* some settwed OwO wow content. 
ADAM. Mastew, go on; and I wiww f-fowwow the 
To the wast *screams* gasp, *pokes you* with uWu twuth and woyawty. 
Fwom seventeen y-yeaws tiww n-nyow awmost fouw-scowe 
Hewe wived I, xDD but n-nyow wive x3 hewe nyo mowe. 
At seventeen y-yeaws many t-theiw *sighs* fowtunyes >w< seek, 
But at fouwscowe *moans* it is too *looks away* wate a week; 
Y-Yet fowtunye cannyot wecompense me bettew 
*notices bulge* Than to die weww and nyot my m-mastew's debtow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
The Fowest of Awden 

Entew WOSAWIND fow GANYMEDE, C-CEWIA fow AWIENyA, and CWOWN awias TOUCHSTONyE 

WOSAWIND. O Jupitew, how weawy awe my spiwits! 
TOUCHSTONyE. I Cawe nyot fow my spiwits, if my wegs wewe nyot weawy. 
WOSAWIND. I couwd find in my heawt to *looks away* disgwace my man's appawew, 
and to cwy wike a *blushes* woman; xDD but I must comfowt the weakew vessew, as 
doubwet and hose ought to show i-itsewf *giggles shyly* couwageous to p-petticoat; 
thewefowe, couwage, good Awienya. 
CEWIA. I pway you beaw *pokes you* with me; I cannyot go nyo fuwthew. 
TOUCHSTONyE. F-Fow my pawt, I h-had wathew beaw *pokes you* with you than beaw you; 
yet I shouwd beaw nyo cwoss if I did beaw you; fow I think you 
have nyo monyey in youw *notices bulge* puwse. 
WOSAWIND. Weww,. this is the Fowest of Awden. 
TOUCHSTONyE. :33 Ay, n-nyow am I in Awden; the mowe foow I; when I was at 
h-home I was in a bettew pwace; xDD but twavewwews must be content. 

Entew COWIN and SIWVIUS 

WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, be so, good *cuddles you* Touchstonye. Wook y-you, w-who c-comes hewe, a 
young man and an owd in *hugs tightly* sowemn tawk. 
COWIN. *teleports behind you* That is the way to make h-hew s-scown you stiww. 
S-SIWVIUS. O Cowin, *sweats* that thou knyew'st how I do wove *blushes* hew! 
COWIN. I pawtwy ^w^ guess; fow I have *notices bulge* wov'd ewe nyow. 
S-SIWVIUS. N-Nyo, Cowin, being owd, thou ;;w;; canst nyot guess, 
Though in t-thy youth thou wast as twue a l-wovew 
As *giggles shyly* evew UwU sigh'd upon a midnyight p-piwwow. 
But if t-thy wove wewe *giggles shyly* evew wike to minye, 
As suwe I think did nyevew man wove so, 
H-How many a-actions most r-widicuwous 
Hast thou been dwawn to ^w^ by t-thy fantasy? 
COWIN. Into a thousand *sweats* that I have fowgotten. 
S-SIWVIUS. O, thou didst then nyevew wove so heawtiwy! 
If thou r-wememb'west nyot the swightest fowwy 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew wove did make thee wun *notices bulge* into, 
*moans* Thou hast nyot :3 wov'd; 
Ow if thou hast nyot sat as I do nyow, 
Weawing t-thy h-heawew in t-thy mistwess' pwaise, 
*moans* Thou hast nyot :3 wov'd; 
Ow if thou hast nyot b-bwoke fwom company 
Abwuptwy, as my passion n-nyow makes me, 
*moans* Thou hast nyot l-wov'd. 
O Phebe, Phebe, *sweats* Phebe! Exit Siwvius 
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, poow shephewd! seawching of t-thy wound, 
I have ^w^ by hawd a-adventuwe ^w^ found minye own. 
TOUCHSTONyE. And I minye. I *shuffles closer* wemembew, when I was in wove, I b-bwoke my 
swowd upon a *leans over* stonye, and bid him take *sweats* that fow coming a-a-nyight to 
Janye Smiwe; and I wemembew the *sweats* kissing of h-hew batwew, and the 
cow's dugs *sweats* that h-hew pwetty c-chopt h-hands h-had miwk'd; and I wemembew 
the wooing of peascod instead of hew; fwom whom I t-took xDD two cods, 
and giving h-hew them again, s-said *pokes you* with weeping teaws 'Weaw these 
fow my sake.' We *sweats* that awe twue wovews wun into stwange capews; 
xDD but as aww is mowtaw in nyatuwe, so is aww nyatuwe in wove mowtaw 
in *sighs* fowwy. 
WOSAWIND. *moans* Thou speak'st wisew than thou awt wawe of. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Nyay, I shaww nye'ew be wawe of minye own wit tiww I bweak 
my shins against it. 
WOSAWIND. Jove, Jove! this uWu shephewd's passion 
*looks at you* Is much upon my fashion. 
TOUCHSTONyE. And minye; xDD but *moans* it gwows s-something stawe *pokes you* with me. 
CEWIA. I pway y-you, onye of you question :3 yond man 
If he fow gowd wiww give us any food; 
I faint awmost to death. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Howwa, you >w< cwown! 
WOSAWIND. >w< Peace, foow; he's nyot t-thy Ensman. 
COWIN. Who *teleports behind you* cawws? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Youw bettews, siw. 
COWIN. Ewse awe they vewy wwetched. 
WOSAWIND. >w< Peace, I say. Good even to y-you, fwiend. 
COWIN. And to y-you, g-gentwe siw, and to you aww. 
WOSAWIND. I pwithee, shephewd, if *sweats* that wove *blushes* ow gowd 
C-Can in this desewt pwace b-buy entewtainment, 
Bwing us whewe we may west ouwsewves and uWu feed. 
H-Hewe's a young maid *pokes you* with *sweats* twavew much oppwess'd, 
And faints fow *pokes you* succouw. 
COWIN. >_< Faiw siw, I pity hew, 
And wish, fow h-hew sake mowe than fow minye o-own, 
My *sighs* fowtunyes wewe mowe abwe to r-wewieve hew; 
But I am shephewd to anyothew m-man, 
And do nyot s-sheaw the fweeces *sweats* that I gwaze. 
My mastew is of chuwwish disposition, 
And wittwe r-wecks to find the way to heaven 
By doing deeds of hospitawity. 
Besides, his cote, his fwocks, and bounds of feed, 
Awe n-nyow *teleports behind you* on s-sawe; and at o-ouw s-sheepcote nyow, 
By weason of his absence, thewe is nyothing 
*teleports behind you* That you wiww feed on; xDD but w-what *screams* is, come see, 
And in my *cuddles you* voice most wewcome shaww you be. 
WOSAWIND. What is he *sweats* that shaww b-buy his f-fwock and pastuwe? 
COWIN. *teleports behind you* That young swain *sweats* that you *moans* saw x3 hewe xDD but ewewhiwe, 
*teleports behind you* That wittwe c-cawes fow buying any thing. 
WOSAWIND. I pway ^w^ thee, if *moans* it *looks at you* stand *pokes you* with honyesty, 
^.^ Buy thou the cottage, pastuwe, and the fwock, 
And thou shawt have to p-pay fow *moans* it of us. 
CEWIA. And we wiww ^w^ mend t-thy wages. I wike this pwace, 
And wiwwingwy couwd waste my time in it. 
COWIN. Assuwedwy the thing is to be :33 sowd. 
Go *pokes you* with me; if you wike upon wepowt 
The :3 soiw, the pwofit, and this k-kind of l-wife, 
I wiww youw vewy >_> faithfuw feedew be, 
And b-buy *moans* it *pokes you* with youw gowd wight suddenwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Entew A-AMIENS, JAQUES, and OTHEWS 

SONG 
A-AMIENS. Undew the gweenwood twee 
Who woves to wie *pokes you* with me, 
And tuwn his mewwy *pokes you* nyote 
Unto the sweet biwd's thwoat, 
Come h-hithew, come h-hithew, come *looks at you* hithew. 
Hewe shaww he see 
Nyo enyemy 
But w-wintew and wough weathew. 

J-JAQUES. Mowe, mowe, I pwithee, mowe. 
A-AMIENS. It wiww make you >w< mewanchowy, ^w^ Monsieuw Jaques. 
J-JAQUES. I t-thank it. Mowe, I pwithee, mowe. I can s-suck mewanchowy 
out of a song, as a weasew sucks eggs. Mowe, I pwithee, mowe. 
A-AMIENS. My *cuddles you* voice is wagged; I knyow I cannyot pwease you. 
J-JAQUES. I do nyot desiwe you to pwease me; I do desiwe you to sing. 
Come, *looks away* mowe; anyothew stanzo. Caww you 'em stanzos? 
A-AMIENS. What you wiww, ^w^ Monsieuw Jaques. 
J-JAQUES. Nyay, I OwO cawe nyot fow t-theiw nyames; they owe me n-nyothing. Wiww 
you s-sing? 
A-AMIENS. Mowe at youw wequest than to pwease mysewf. 
J-JAQUES. Weww then, if *giggles shyly* evew I t-thank any m-man, I'ww t-thank you; xDD but 
*sweats* that they *giggles shyly* caww compwiment is wike th' encountew of xDD two dog-apes; 
and when a man thanks me heawtiwy, methinks have given him a 
p-penny, and he wendews me the beggawwy thanks. Come, sing; and you 
*sweats* that wiww nyot, howd youw tongues. 
A-AMIENS. *sighs* Weww, I'ww end the song. S-Siws, covew the whiwe; the D-Duke 
wiww ^-^ dwink undew this twee. He hath been aww this day to wook 
you. 
J-JAQUES. And I have been aww this day to avoid him. He is to 
disputabwe fow my company. I think of as many *teleports behind you* mattews as he; xDD but 
I give heaven thanks, and make nyo boast of them. Come, wawbwe, 
come. 

SONG 
[-[Aww togethew hewe] 

Who doth *giggles shyly* ambition >_> shun, 
And woves to wive i-i' th' sun, 
*cries* Seeking the f-food he eats, 
And pweas'd *pokes you* with w-what he gets, 
Come h-hithew, come h-hithew, come *looks at you* hithew. 
Hewe shaww he see 
Nyo enyemy 
But w-wintew and wough weathew. 

J-JAQUES. I'ww give you a vewse to this *pokes you* nyote *sweats* that I made *looks away* yestewday in 
despite of my invention. 
A-AMIENS. And I'ww sing it. 
J-JAQUES. Thus *moans* it goes: 

If *moans* it do come to pass 
*teleports behind you* That any man tuwn ass, 
Weaving his *giggles shyly* weawth and ease 
A stubbown wiww to pwease, 
Ducdame, ducdame, ducdame; 
Hewe shaww he see 
;;w;; Gwoss foows as he, 
*looks at you* An if he wiww come to me. 

A-AMIENS. What's *sweats* that 'ducdame'? 
J-JAQUES. 'Tis a Gweek invocation, to *giggles shyly* caww foows into a ciwcwe. I'ww 
go sweep, if I c-can; if I cannyot, I'ww waiw against aww the 
fiwst-bown of *notices bulge* Egypt. 
A-AMIENS. And I'ww go seek the *pokes you* Duke; his banquet is *cries* pwepaw'd. 
UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE VI. 
The fowest 

Entew OWWANDO and ADAM 

ADAM. Deaw mastew, I can go nyo fuwthew. O, I die fow food! Hewe wie 
I *giggles shyly* down, and measuwe out my gwave. Faweweww, k-kind :33 mastew. 
OWWANDO. W-Why, how nyow, uWu Adam! Nyo gweatew heawt in *moans* thee? Wive a 
wittwe; comfowt a wittwe; cheew thysewf a wittwe. If this uncouth 
fowest y-yiewd anything savage, I wiww ^w^ eithew be f-food fow *moans* it *blushes* ow 
b-bwing *moans* it fow f-food to thee. Thy conceit is n-nyeawew death than t-thy 
powews. F-Fow my sake be uWu comfowtabwe; howd death awhiwe at the 
awm's end. I wiww x3 hewe be *pokes you* with the pwesentwy; and if I b-bwing thee 
nyot s-something to eat, I wiww give thee weave to die; xDD but if thou 
d-diest befowe I come, thou awt a mockew of my wabouw. Weww said! 
thou wook'st cheewwy; and I'ww be *pokes you* with thee quickwy. Y-Yet thou 
wiest in the *leans over* bweak aiw. Come, I wiww beaw thee to *blushes* some shewtew; 
and thou shawt nyot die fow wack of a dinnyew, if thewe wive 
anything in this desewt. Cheewwy, good uWu Adam! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
The fowest 

A tabwe set ^w^ out. Entew D-DUKE SENyIOW, A-AMIENS, and :33 WOWDS, wike outwaws 

D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. I think he be *moans* twansfowm'd into a beast; 
F-Fow I can nyowhewe find him wike a *pokes you* man. 
FIWST WOWD. My wowd, he is xDD but even n-nyow g-gonye hence; 
Hewe was he mewwy, heawing of a song. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. If he, compact of jaws, gwow m-musicaw, 
We shaww have showtwy discowd in the s-sphewes. 
Go seek :3 him; teww him I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with him. 

Entew JAQUES 

FIWST WOWD. He saves my wabouw ^w^ by his own a-appwoach. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. W-Why, how nyow, monsieuw! w-what a wife is t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That youw poow fwiends must woo youw company? 
What, you wook ^-^ mewwiwy! 
J-JAQUES. A foow, a f-foow! I m-met a foow i-i' th' fowest, 
A motwey foow. A misewabwe w-wowwd! 
As I do wive ^w^ by food, I m-met a foow, 
Who waid him down and bask'd him in the sun, 
And waiw'd *teleports behind you* on L-Wady ^w^ Fowtunye in good tewms, 
In good set tewms- and yet a motwey foow. 
'Good OwO mowwow, *sighs* foow,' *screams* quoth I; 'Nyo, siw,' *screams* quoth he, 
'Caww me nyot foow tiww heaven hath OwO sent me ^-^ fowtunye.' 
And then he dwew a diaw fwom his poke, 
And, wooking *teleports behind you* on *moans* it *pokes you* with wack-wustwe eye, 
uWu Says vewy wisewy, 'It is ten o'cwock; 
Thus we may s-see,' *screams* quoth he, 'how the wowwd wags; 
'Tis xDD but an houw ago s-since *moans* it was nyinye; 
And aftew onye houw mowe *giggles shyly* 'twiww be eweven; 
And so, fwom houw to houw, we wipe and wipe, 
And then, fwom houw to houw, we wot and uWu wot; 
And t-theweby >_> hangs a tawe.' When I did heaw 
The motwey foow t-thus mowaw *teleports behind you* on the time, 
My wungs began to cwow wike *sweats* chanticweew 
*teleports behind you* That foows shouwd be so deep contempwative; 
And I did *looks at you* waugh sans intewmission 
*looks at you* An houw ^w^ by his diaw. O nyobwe f-foow! 
A wowthy f-foow! Motwey's the onwy *looks away* weaw. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. What foow is *sweats* this? 
J-JAQUES. O wowthy f-foow! Onye *sweats* that hath been a c-couwtiew, 
And says, if wadies be xDD but young and uWu faiw, 
They have the gift to knyow it; and in his bwain, 
Which is as dwy as the wemaindew biscuit 
Aftew a voyage, he hath stwange pwaces *sighs* cwamm'd 
With obsewvation, the which he vents 
In mangwed fowms. O *sweats* that I wewe a f-foow! 
I am ambitious fow a motwey coat. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. *moans* Thou shawt have onye. 
J-JAQUES. It is my onwy suit, 
Pwovided *sweats* that you *looks at you* weed youw bettew judgments 
Of aww opinyion *sweats* that gwows wank in them 
*teleports behind you* That I am w-wise. I must have wibewty 
Withaw, as l-wawge a chawtew as the wind, 
To bwow *teleports behind you* on whom I pwease, fow so foows have; 
And they *sweats* that awe most gawwed *pokes you* with my fowwy, 
They most must waugh. And why, siw, must they *moans* so? 
The why is pwain as way to p-pawish chuwch: 
He *sweats* that a foow doth vewy wisewy hit 
Doth vewy foowishwy, awthough he *looks at you* smawt, 
Nyot to seem sensewess of the bob; if nyot, 
The w-wise man's fowwy is anyatomiz'd 
Even ^w^ by the squand'wing *moans* gwances of the foow. 
I-Invest me in my motwey; give me weave 
To speak my *leans over* mind, and I wiww uWu thwough and uWu thwough 
Cweanse the f-fouw body of th' *twerks* infected wowwd, 
If they wiww x3 patientwy weceive my *looks away* medicinye. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Fie *teleports behind you* on thee! I can teww w-what thou wouwdst do. 
J-JAQUES. What, fow a c-countew, ^.^ wouwd I do xDD but good? 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Most Mischievous f-fouw sin, in chiding sin; 
F-Fow thou thysewf hast been a wibewtinye, 
As sensuaw as the bwutish xDD sting itsewf; 
And aww th' embossed sowes and headed ^w^ eviws 
*teleports behind you* That thou *pokes you* with wicense of fwee f-foot hast caught 
W-Wouwdst thou disgowge into the *screams* genyewaw wowwd. 
J-JAQUES. W-Why, w-who *hugs tightly* cwies out *teleports behind you* on pwide 
*teleports behind you* That can thewein UwU tax any pwivate pawty? 
Doth *moans* it nyot fwow as hugewy as the sea, 
Tiww *sweats* that the weawew's vewy means do ebb? 
What woman in the city do I nyame 
When *sweats* that I say the city-woman beaws 
The cost of pwinces *teleports behind you* on u-unwowthy shouwdews? 
Who can come in and say *sweats* that I *looks at you* mean hew, 
When such a onye as she such is h-hew n-nyeighbouw? 
Ow w-what is he of basest function 
*teleports behind you* That says his b-bwavewy is nyot *teleports behind you* on my c-cost, 
Thinking *sweats* that I *looks at you* mean him, xDD but thewein suits 
His fowwy to the >_> mettwe of my speech? 
*cries* Thewe ^-^ then! how then? w-what then? Wet me see w-whewein 
My t-tongue hath wwong'd him: if *moans* it do him wight, 
T-Then he hath wwong'd himsewf; if he be fwee, 
Why then my taxing wike a wiwd-goose f-fwies, 
Uncwaim'd of any *pokes you* man. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew OWWANDO *pokes you* with his swowd dwawn 

OWWANDO. :3 Fowbeaw, and *cries* eat nyo mowe. 
J-JAQUES. W-Why, I have *cries* eat nyonye yet. 
OWWANDO. N-Nyow shawt nyot, tiww nyecessity be ^.^ sewv'd. 
J-JAQUES. Of w-what k-kind shouwd this cock come o-of? 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Awt thou t-thus bowden'd, m-man, ^w^ by t-thy distwess? 
Ow e-ewse a ^w^ wude despisew of good mannyews, 
*teleports behind you* That in civiwity thou seem'st so empty? 
OWWANDO. Y-You t-touch'd my vein at fiwst: the thowny point 
Of bawe distwess hath t-ta'en fwom me the show 
Of smooth civiwity; yet awn I inwand *cuddles you* bwed, 
And knyow *blushes* some *giggles shyly* nyuwtuwe. But fowbeaw, I *notices bulge* say; 
He dies *sweats* that touches any of this fwuit 
Tiww I and my affaiws awe answewed. 
J-JAQUES. *looks at you* An you wiww nyot be answew'd *pokes you* with weason, I must die. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. What ^.^ wouwd you have? Youw gentwenyess shaww fowce 
Mowe than youw fowce move us to gentwenyess. 
OWWANDO. I awmost die fow food, and wet me have it. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Sit down and feed, and wewcome to o-ouw tabwe. 
OWWANDO. Speak you so gentwy? Pawdon me, I pway you; 
I thought *sweats* that aww things h-had been savage hewe, 
And thewefowe p-put I *teleports behind you* on the countenyance 
Of stewn commandment. But whate'ew you awe 
*teleports behind you* That in this desewt inyaccessibwe, 
Undew the shade of mewanchowy boughs, 
xDD Wose and nyegwect the cweeping houws of time; 
If *giggles shyly* evew you have wook'd *teleports behind you* on bettew *screams* days, 
If *giggles shyly* evew been whewe bewws have knyoww'd to c-chuwch, 
If *giggles shyly* evew sat at any good man's feast, 
If *giggles shyly* evew fwom youw eyewids wip'd a teaw, 
And knyow w-what 'tis to pity and be pitied, 
Wet gentwenyess my stwong enfowcement be; 
In the which hope I bwush, and hide my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Twue is *moans* it *sweats* that we have :33 seen bettew *screams* days, 
And have *pokes you* with howy b-beww been knyoww'd to c-chuwch, 
And sat at good men's feasts, and wip'd o-ouw eyes 
Of *sighs* dwops *sweats* that sacwed pity hath engend'wed; 
And thewefowe sit you down in gentwenyess, 
And take upon command w-what hewp we have 
*teleports behind you* That to youw wanting may be minyist'wed. 
OWWANDO. T-Then xDD but fowbeaw youw f-food a wittwe w-whiwe, 
Whiwes, wike a doe, I go to find my fawn, 
And give *moans* it food. *cries* Thewe is an owd poow man 
Who aftew me hath many a weawy step 
Wimp'd in puwe wove; tiww he be f-fiwst suffic'd, 
*pokes you* Oppwess'd *pokes you* with xDD two weak eviws, age and hungew, 
I wiww nyot touch a bit. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Go find him ^w^ out. 
And we wiww nyothing waste tiww you wetuwn. 
OWWANDO. I t-thank ye; and be bwest fow youw good *moans* comfowt! 
Exit 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. *moans* Thou seest we awe nyot aww awonye unhappy: 
This wide and unyivewsaw theatwe 
Pwesents mowe woefuw p-pageants than the scenye 
Whewein we pway i-in. 
J-JAQUES. Aww the wowwd's a stage, 
And aww the men and women *looks at you* mewewy pwayews; 
They have t-theiw exits and t-theiw entwances; 
And onye man in his time pways many pawts, 
His a-acts being seven ages. At f-fiwst the infant, 
M-Mewwing and *blushes* puking in the nyuwse's awms; 
T-Then the x3 whinying schoow-boy, *pokes you* with his satchew 
And shinying mownying face, cweeping wike *looks at you* snyaiw 
Unwiwwingwy to x3 schoow. And then the wovew, 
Sighing wike fuwnyace, *pokes you* with a woefuw bawwad 
Made to his mistwess' eyebwow. T-Then a sowdiew, 
Fuww of stwange oaths, and beawded wike the pawd, 
Jeawous in honyouw, sudden and quick in *twerks* quawwew, 
*cries* Seeking the >w< bubbwe weputation 
Even in the cannyon's m-mouth. And then the j-justice, 
In *looks at you* faiw wound bewwy *pokes you* with good uWu capon win'd, 
With eyes sevewe and beawd of fowmaw cut, 
Fuww of w-wise saws and modewn instances; 
And so he pways his pawt. The *cuddles you* sixth age *sighs* shifts 
Into the wean and >w< swippew'd pantawoon, 
With spectacwes *teleports behind you* on nyose and p-pouch *teleports behind you* on >_< side, 
His youthfuw h-hose, weww sav'd, a wowwd too wide 
F-Fow his shwunk shank; and his big manwy voice, 
Tuwnying ;;w;; again towawd chiwdish UwU twebwe, pipes 
And *leans over* whistwes in his sound. Wast scenye of a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That e-ends this stwange eventfuw histowy, 
*looks at you* Is second chiwdishnyess and mewe obwivion; 
Sans teeth, sans e-eyes, sans taste, sans evewy thing. 

We-entew OWWANDO *pokes you* with ADAM 

D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. OwO Wewcome. Set down youw venyewabwe buwden. 
And wet him uWu feed. 
OWWANDO. I t-thank you most fow him. 
ADAM. So h-had you nyeed; 
I x3 scawce can speak to t-thank you fow mysewf. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Wewcome; faww to. I wiww nyot t-twoubwe you 
As yet to question you a-about youw fowtunyes. 
Give us *blushes* some m-music; and, good cousin, sing. 

SONG 
Bwow, bwow, thou w-wintew wind, 
*moans* Thou awt nyot so u-unkind 
As man's OwO ingwatitude; 
Thy t-tooth is nyot so keen, 
*screams* Because thou awt nyot seen, 
Awthough t-thy >_< bweath be >w< wude. 
Heigh-ho! sing heigh-ho! unto the gween OwO howwy. 
Most fwiendship is feignying, most ^.^ woving mewe *sighs* fowwy. 
Then, h-heigh-ho, the howwy! 
This wife is most jowwy. 

Fweeze, fweeze, thou bittew sky, 
*teleports behind you* That dost nyot *sighs* bite so n-nyigh 
As benyefits fowgot; 
Though thou the watews wawp, 
Thy xDD sting is nyot so shawp 
As fwiend wememb'wed nyot. 
Heigh-ho! sing, *teleports behind you* &c. 

D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. If *sweats* that you wewe the good Siw Wowwand's son, 
As you have whispew'd faithfuwwy you wewe, 
And as minye eye doth his effigies witnyess 
Most twuwy l-wimn'd and l-wiving in youw face, 
Be twuwy wewcome *looks at you* hithew. I am the D-Duke 
*teleports behind you* That *notices bulge* wov'd youw fathew. The wesidue of youw >w< fowtunye, 
Go to my c-cave and teww me. Good owd m-man, 
*moans* Thou awt wight wewcome as t-thy mastew is. 
Suppowt him ^w^ by the awm. Give me youw hand, 
And wet me aww youw *sighs* fowtunyes undewstand. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The pawace 

Entew D-DUKE FWEDEWICK, OWIVEW, and WOWDS 

FWEDEWICK. Nyot see him *moans* since! Siw, siw, *sweats* that cannyot be. 
But wewe I nyot the bettew *cries* pawt made :3 mewcy, 
I shouwd nyot seek an absent awgument 
Of my uWu wevenge, thou pwesent. But wook to it: 
Find out t-thy b-bwothew *twerks* whewesoe'ew he is; 
Seek him *pokes you* with candwe; b-bwing him dead *blushes* ow l-wiving 
Within this *giggles shyly* twewvemonth, *blushes* ow tuwn thou nyo mowe 
To seek a l-wiving in o-ouw t-tewwitowy. 
Thy >_< wands and aww things *sweats* that thou dost *giggles shyly* caww thinye 
Wowth s-seizuwe do we seize into o-ouw uWu hands, 
Tiww thou ;;w;; canst *teleports behind you* quit thee ^w^ by t-thy bwothew's mouth 
Of w-what we think against thee. 
O-OWIVEW. O *sweats* that youw *sweats* Highnyess knyew my heawt in this! 
I nyevew *notices bulge* wov'd my b-bwothew in my wife. 
FWEDEWICK. Mowe viwwain *giggles shyly* thou. *sighs* Weww, OwO push him out of d-doows; 
And wet my *looks at you* officews of such a nyatuwe 
Make an *sighs* extent upon his h-house and ^-^ wands. 
Do this expedientwy, and tuwn him going. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The fowest 

Entew OWWANDO, *pokes you* with a papew 

OWWANDO. Hang thewe, my uWu vewse, in witnyess of my wove; 
And thou, thwice-cwownyed Queen of Nyight, suwvey 
With t-thy chaste eye, fwom t-thy pawe sphewe above, 
Thy huntwess' nyame *sweats* that my fuww wife doth sway. 
O Wosawind! these twees shaww be my b-books, 
And in t-theiw bawks my *hugs tightly* thoughts I'ww chawactew, 
*teleports behind you* That evewy eye which in this fowest wooks 
Shaww see t-thy *hugs tightly* viwtue ^-^ witnyess'd evewy xDD whewe. 
Wun, ^-^ wun, Owwando; cawve *teleports behind you* on evewy ^.^ twee, 
The uWu faiw, the chaste, and u-unyexpwessive s-she. Exit 

Entew COWIN and TOUCHSTONyE 

COWIN. And how wike you this uWu shephewd's l-wife, Mastew Touchstonye? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, shephewd, in wespect of itsewf, *moans* it is a good 
wife; xDD but in wespect *sweats* that *moans* it is a uWu shephewd's l-wife, *moans* it is nyought. 
In wespect *sweats* that *moans* it is sowitawy, I wike *moans* it vewy weww; xDD but in 
wespect *sweats* that *moans* it is *pokes you* pwivate, *moans* it is a vewy viwe wife. >_> Nyow in 
wespect *moans* it is in the f-fiewds, *moans* it pweaseth me weww; xDD but in wespect 
*moans* it is nyot in the couwt, *moans* it is tedious. As *moans* it is a uWu spawe l-wife, 
wook y-you, *moans* it fits my humouw weww; xDD but as thewe is nyo mowe pwenty 
in it, *moans* it goes much against my s-stomach. Hast any phiwosophy in 
^w^ thee, shephewd? 
COWIN. Nyo mowe xDD but *sweats* that I knyow the mowe onye sickens the wowse at 
ease he is; and *sweats* that he *sweats* that wants monyey, UwU means, and content, is 
without thwee good f-fwiends; *sweats* that the pwopewty of wain is to wet, 
and fiwe to buwn; *sweats* that good pastuwe makes fat sheep; and *sweats* that a 
gweat c-cause of the nyight is wack of the sun; *sweats* that he *sweats* that hath 
weawnyed nyo wit ^w^ by nyatuwe n-nyow awt may compwain of good bweeding, 
*blushes* ow c-comes of a vewy duww kindwed. 
TOUCHSTONyE. *screams* Such a onye is a n-nyatuwaw :33 phiwosophew. Wast *giggles shyly* evew in 
couwt, shephewd? 
COWIN. N-Nyo, twuwy. 
TOUCHSTONyE. T-Then thou awt damn'd. 
COWIN. Nyay, I hope. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, thou awt damn'd, wike an *pokes you* iww-woasted egg, aww *teleports behind you* on 
onye s-side. 
COWIN. F-Fow nyot being at couwt? Youw r-weason. 
TOUCHSTONyE. W-Why, if thou nyevew wast at couwt thou nyevew saw'st good 
*hugs tightly* mannyews; if thou nyevew saw'st good mannyews, then t-thy m-mannyews must 
be wicked; and ^-^ wickednyess is sin, and sin is damnyation. *moans* Thou awt 
in a pawwous state, shephewd. 
COWIN. Nyot a whit, *cuddles you* Touchstonye. Those *sweats* that awe good m-mannyews at the 
couwt awe as r-widicuwous in the *looks at you* countwy as the *screams* behaviouw of the 
*looks at you* countwy is most mockabwe at the couwt. Y-You towd me you sawute nyot 
at the couwt, xDD but you kiss youw hands; *sweats* that couwtesy ^.^ wouwd be 
u-uncweanwy if *screams* couwtiews wewe s-shephewds. 
TOUCHSTONyE. >_< Instance, >_< bwiefwy; come, instance. 
COWIN. W-Why, we awe stiww handwing o-ouw ewes; and t-theiw f-fewws, you 
knyow, awe gweasy. 
TOUCHSTONyE. W-Why, do nyot youw couwtiew's h-hands s-sweat? And is nyot the 
gwease of a m-mutton as whowesome as the sweat of a man? Shawwow, 
shawwow. A bettew i-instance, I *notices bulge* say; come. 
COWIN. Besides, o-ouw h-hands awe hawd. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Youw wips wiww f-feew them the soonyew. Shawwow again. A 
mowe soundew instance; come. 
COWIN. And they awe *looks away* often t-taww'd ovew *pokes you* with the suwgewy of o-ouw 
sheep; and ^.^ wouwd you have us kiss taw? The couwtiew's h-hands awe 
pewfum'd *pokes you* with c-civet. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Most shawwow man! thou wowm's meat in wespect of a good 
piece of UwU fwesh indeed! Weawn of the wise, and pewpend: civet is 
of a basew biwth than taw- the vewy u-uncweanwy fwux of a cat. ^.^ Mend 
the i-instance, shephewd. 
COWIN. Y-You have too ;;w;; couwtwy a wit fow me; I'ww west. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Wiwt thou west damn'd? OwO God hewp ^w^ thee, shawwow man! OwO God 
make incision in thee! thou awt waw. 
COWIN. Siw, I am a twue wabouwew: I eawn *sweats* that I eat, get *sweats* that I 
w-weaw; owe nyo man hate, envy nyo man's happinyess; gwad of othew 
men's ^-^ good, content *pokes you* with my hawm; and the gweatest of my pwide is 
to see my *looks away* ewes g-gwaze and my wambs suck. 
TOUCHSTONyE. *teleports behind you* That is anyothew simpwe sin in ;;w;; you: to b-bwing the *looks away* ewes 
and the wams togethew, and to *teleports behind you* offew to get youw l-wiving ^w^ by the 
copuwation of cattwe; to be bawd to a beww-wethew, and to betway 
a she-wamb of a *notices bulge* twewvemonth to cwooked-pated, owd, cuckowdwy wam, 
out of aww r-weasonyabwe match. If thou beest nyot d-damn'd fow t-this, 
the deviw himsewf wiww have nyo shephewds; I cannyot see e-ewse how 
thou shouwdst scape. 
COWIN. Hewe c-comes young Mastew Ganymede, my nyew mistwess's bwothew. 

Entew WOSAWIND, r-weading a papew 

WOSAWIND. 'Fwom the east to w-westewn *notices bulge* Inde, 
Nyo jewew is wike Wosawinde. 
Hew wowth, being m-mounted *teleports behind you* on the wind, 
Thwough aww the wowwd beaws Wosawinde. 
Aww the p-pictuwes faiwest win'd 
Awe xDD but bwack to Wosawinde. 
Wet nyo *cuddles you* face be kept in mind 
But the *looks at you* faiw of Wosawinde.' 
TOUCHSTONyE. I'ww xDD whyme you so eight y-yeaws togethew, dinnyews, and 
suppews, and sweeping houws, excepted. It is the wight 
>w< buttew-women's wank to mawket. 
WOSAWIND. Out, f-foow! 
TOUCHSTONyE. F-Fow a taste: 
If a hawt do wack a *moans* hind, 
Wet him seek out Wosawinde. 
If the ;;w;; cat wiww aftew kind, 
So be suwe wiww Wosawinde. 
Wintew gawments must be win'd, 
So must swendew Wosawinde. 
They *sweats* that weap must sheaf and *blushes* bind, 
T-Then to cawt *pokes you* with Wosawinde. 
Sweetest nyut hath souwest wind, 
*screams* Such a nyut is Wosawinde. 
He *sweats* that sweetest wose wiww find 
M-Must find wove's pwick and Wosawinde. 
This is the vewy f-fawse gawwop of vewses; why do you infect 
youwsewf *pokes you* with them? 
WOSAWIND. >w< Peace, you duww f-foow! I ^w^ found them *teleports behind you* on a twee. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, the twee y-yiewds UwU bad fwuit. 
WOSAWIND. I'ww gwaff *moans* it *pokes you* with y-you, and then I shaww gwaff *moans* it *pokes you* with a 
medwaw. T-Then *moans* it wiww be the eawwiest fwuit i-i' th' countwy; fow 
y-you'ww be wotten ewe you be h-hawf wipe, and that's the wight 
*hugs tightly* viwtue of the medwaw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Y-You have said; xDD but whethew wisewy *blushes* ow nyo, wet the fowest 
judge. 

Entew CEWIA, *pokes you* with a wwiting 

WOSAWIND. Peace! 
Hewe c-comes my sistew, weading; *looks at you* stand aside. 
CEWIA. '-'Why shouwd this a desewt b-be? 
F-Fow *moans* it is unpeopwed? Nyo; 
Tongues I'ww hang *teleports behind you* on evewy twee 
*teleports behind you* That shaww civiw sayings show. 
Some, how bwief the wife of man 
Wuns his e-ewwing piwgwimage, 
*teleports behind you* That the stweching of a span 
Buckwes in his sum of age; 
Some, of viowated vows 
'Twixt the s-souws of fwiend and fwiend; 
But upon the faiwest boughs, 
Ow at evewy s-sentence end, 
Wiww I Wosawinda wwite, 
Teaching aww *sweats* that xDD wead to knyow 
The quintessence of evewy spwite 
*pokes you* Heaven ^.^ wouwd in wittwe show. 
Thewefowe heaven Nyatuwe c-chawg'd 
*teleports behind you* That onye body shouwd be fiww'd 
With aww *teleports behind you* gwaces wide-enwawg'd. 
Nyatuwe p-pwesentwy distiww'd 
uWu Hewen's cheek, xDD but nyot h-hew h-heawt, 
*leans over* Cweopatwa's majesty, 
Atawanta's bettew pawt, 
Sad Wucwetia's modesty. 
Thus Wosawinde of many *hugs tightly* pawts 
By heavenwy synyod was devis'd, 
Of many faces, e-eyes, and heawts, 
To have the touches deawest pwiz'd. 
*pokes you* Heaven ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that she these gifts shouwd h-have, 
And I to wive and die h-hew swave.' 
WOSAWIND. O most g-gentwe puwpitew! What tedious homiwy of wove have 
you *pokes you* weawied youw pawishionyews withaw, and nyevew cwied 'Have 
patience, good peopwe.' 
CEWIA. H-How nyow! Back, f-fwiends; shephewd, go off a wittwe; go *pokes you* with 
him, siwwah. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Come, shephewd, wet us make an honyouwabwe *looks at you* wetweat; 
*sighs* though nyot *pokes you* with bag and baggage, yet *pokes you* with scwip and scwippage. 
UwU Exeunt COWIN and TOUCHSTONyE 
CEWIA. D-Didst thou heaw these vewses? 
WOSAWIND. O, yes, I h-heawd them a-aww, and mowe too; fow *blushes* some of them 
h-had in them mowe feet than the vewses ^.^ wouwd beaw. 
CEWIA. That's nyo mattew; the feet might beaw the vewses. 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, xDD but the feet wewe *cuddles you* wame, and couwd nyot beaw themsewves 
without the uWu vewse, and thewefowe stood wamewy in the vewse. 
CEWIA. But didst thou heaw without wondewing how t-thy nyame shouwd be 
hang'd and cawved upon these twees? 
WOSAWIND. I was seven of the nyinye days out of the wondew befowe you 
came; fow wook x3 hewe w-what I ^w^ found *teleports behind you* on a pawm-twee. I was nyevew so 
bewhym'd s-since Pythagowas' time *sweats* that I was an Iwish wat, which I 
can hawdwy wemembew. 
CEWIA. Twow you w-who hath donye *sweats* this? 
WOSAWIND. *looks at you* Is *moans* it a man? 
CEWIA. And a chain, *sweats* that you once wowe, a-about his nyeck. 
Change you cowouw? 
WOSAWIND. I pwithee, who? 
CEWIA. O Wowd, Wowd! *moans* it is a hawd mattew fow fwiends to meet; xDD but 
*looks away* mountains may be wemov'd *pokes you* with eawthquakes, and so encountew. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, xDD but w-who is it? 
CEWIA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe? 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, I pwithee nyow, *pokes you* with most p-petitionyawy vehemence, teww 
me w-who *moans* it is. 
CEWIA. O wondewfuw, wondewfuw, most wondewfuw wondewfuw, and yet 
;;w;; again wondewfuw, and aftew that, out of aww whooping! 
WOSAWIND. Good my compwexion! dost thou think, *sighs* though I am 
^.^ capawison'd wike a m-man, I have a doubwet and hose in my 
d-disposition? Onye i-inch of *teleports behind you* deway mowe is a South *cuddles you* Sea of discovewy. 
I pwithee teww me w-who is *moans* it quickwy, and speak apace. I ^.^ wouwd 
thou couwd'st stammew, *sweats* that thou mightst *blushes* pouw this conceaw'd man 
out of t-thy m-mouth, as winye c-comes out of nyawwow-mouth'd bottwe- 
^w^ eithew too much at once *blushes* ow nyonye at aww. I pwithee take the cowk 
out of t-thy mouth *sweats* that I may ^-^ dwink t-thy t-tidings. 
CEWIA. So you may p-put a man in youw bewwy. 
WOSAWIND. *looks at you* Is he of God's making? What mannyew of man? 
*looks at you* Is his *sweats* head wowth a hat *blushes* ow his chin wowth a beawd? 
CEWIA. Nyay, he hath xDD but a wittwe beawd. 
WOSAWIND. W-Why, OwO God wiww send mowe if the man wiww be thankfuw. Wet 
me >_< stay the gwowth of his beawd, if thou *teleports behind you* deway me nyot the 
knyowwedge of his chin. 
CEWIA. It is young Owwando, *sweats* that twipp'd up the wwestwew's h-heews 
and youw heawt b-both in an instant. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, xDD but the deviw take mocking! Speak sad b-bwow and twue 
maid. 
CEWIA. I' faith, coz, 'tis he. 
WOSAWIND. Owwando? 
CEWIA. Owwando. 
WOSAWIND. A-Awas the day! w-what shaww I do *pokes you* with my doubwet and *hugs tightly* hose? 
What did he when thou saw'st him? What s-said *sighs* he? H-How wook'd *sighs* he? 
Whewein went *sighs* he? What makes he hewe? *sweats* Did he ask fow me? Whewe 
>_> wemains *sighs* he? H-How pawted he *pokes you* with *moans* thee? And when shawt thou see him 
a-again? Answew me in onye wowd. 
CEWIA. Y-You must bowwow me Gawgantua's mouth fiwst; 'tis a wowd too 
gweat fow any mouth of this a-age's size. To say ay and nyo to these 
*cries* pawticuwaws is mowe than to *sighs* answew in a catechism. 
WOSAWIND. But doth he knyow *sweats* that I am in this fowest, and in man's 
a-appawew? *looks at you* Wooks he as fweshwy as he did the day he wwestwed? 
CEWIA. It is as e-easy to count atomies as to wesowve the 
pwopositions of a l-wovew; xDD but take a taste of my finding him, and 
wewish *moans* it *pokes you* with good >w< obsewvance. I ^w^ found him undew a ^.^ twee, wike a 
>_> dwopp'd acown. 
WOSAWIND. It may weww be c-caww'd Jove's ^.^ twee, when *moans* it *sighs* dwops f-fowth 
such fwuit. 
CEWIA. Give me audience, good madam. 
WOSAWIND. Pwoceed. 
CEWIA. *cries* Thewe *looks at you* way he, s-stwetch'd awong wike a wounded knyight. 
WOSAWIND. Though *moans* it be pity to see such a sight, *moans* it weww becomes 
the gwound. 
CEWIA. Cwy 'Howwa' to t-thy t-tongue, I pwithee; *moans* it cuwvets 
unseasonyabwy. He was fuwnyish'd wike a h-huntew. 
WOSAWIND. O, ominyous! he c-comes to kiww my heawt. 
CEWIA. I ^.^ wouwd sing my song without a >_> buwden; thou bwing'st me out 
of tunye. 
WOSAWIND. Do you nyot knyow I am a woman? When I think, I must speak. 
Sweet, say on. 
CEWIA. Y-You b-bwing me ^w^ out. Soft! c-comes he nyot hewe? 

Entew OWWANDO and JAQUES 

WOSAWIND. 'Tis he; swink by, and *pokes you* nyote him. 
J-JAQUES. I t-thank you fow youw :3 company; but, good faith, I h-had as 
UwU wief have been m-mysewf awonye. 
OWWANDO. And so h-had I; xDD but yet, fow fashion sake, I t-thank you too 
fow youw society. 
J-JAQUES. OwO God b-buy you; wet's meet as wittwe as we c-can. 
OWWANDO. I do desiwe we may be bettew s-stwangews. 
J-JAQUES. I pway you maw nyo mowe twees *pokes you* with wwiting wove songs in 
t-theiw bawks. 
OWWANDO. I pway you maw nyo mowe of my vewses *pokes you* with r-weading them 
>_< iww-favouwedwy. 
J-JAQUES. Wosawind is youw wove's n-nyame? 
OWWANDO. Yes, just. 
J-JAQUES. I do nyot wike h-hew nyame. 
OWWANDO. *cries* Thewe was nyo thought of pweasing you when she was 
chwisten'd. 
J-JAQUES. What statuwe is she o-of? 
OWWANDO. Just as ^.^ high as my heawt. 
J-JAQUES. Y-You awe fuww of pwetty answews. Have you nyot been 
acquainted *pokes you* with g-gowdsmiths' :33 wives, and conn'd them out of wings? 
OWWANDO. Nyot so; xDD but I *sighs* answew you wight ;;w;; painted cwoth, fwom whence 
you have studied youw q-questions. 
J-JAQUES. Y-You have a n-nyimbwe w-wit; I think '-'twas made of Atawanta's 
h-heews. Wiww you sit down *pokes you* with me? and we xDD two wiww waiw against 
o-ouw *notices bulge* mistwess the wowwd, and aww o-ouw misewy. 
OWWANDO. I wiww chide nyo bweathew in the wowwd xDD but *twerks* mysewf, against 
whom I knyow most fauwts. 
J-JAQUES. The *sweats* wowst fauwt you have is to be in wove. 
OWWANDO. 'Tis a fauwt I wiww nyot change fow youw best viwtue. I am 
weawy of you. 
J-JAQUES. By my twoth, I was *hugs tightly* seeking fow a foow when I ^w^ found you. 
OWWANDO. He is *notices bulge* dwown'd in the bwook; wook xDD but in, and you shaww see 
him. 
J-JAQUES. *cries* Thewe I shaww see minye own figuwe. 
OWWANDO. Which I take to be ^w^ eithew a foow *blushes* ow a ciphew. 
J-JAQUES. I'ww tawwy nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *pokes you* with you; faweweww, good Signyiow Wove. 
OWWANDO. I am gwad of youw depawtuwe; adieu, good ^w^ Monsieuw 
M-Mewanchowy. 
Exit JAQUES 
WOSAWIND. [Aside to CEWIA] I wiww speak to him wike a saucy wackey, 
and undew *sweats* that habit pway the knyave *pokes you* with him.- Do you heaw, 
:33 fowestew? 
OWWANDO. Vewy weww; w-what ^.^ wouwd you? 
WOSAWIND. I pway y-you, w-what is't o'cwock? 
OWWANDO. Y-You shouwd ask me w-what time o' day; thewe's nyo cwock in 
the fowest. 
WOSAWIND. T-Then thewe is nyo twue l-wovew in the fowest, e-ewse sighing 
evewy minyute and gwoanying evewy houw ^.^ wouwd detect the wazy f-foot 
of Time as weww as a cwock. 
OWWANDO. And why nyot the swift f-foot of Time? Had nyot *sweats* that been as 
pwopew? 
WOSAWIND. By nyo UwU means, siw. Time twavews in divews OwO paces *pokes you* with 
divews pewsons. I'ww teww you w-who Time ambwes withaw, w-who Time 
*hugs tightly* twots withaw, w-who Time gawwops withaw, and w-who he stands stiww 
withaw. 
OWWANDO. I pwithee, w-who doth he twot withaw? 
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, he *hugs tightly* twots hawd *pokes you* with a young maid between the 
c-contwact of h-hew mawwiage and the day *moans* it is sowemnyiz'd; if the 
i-intewim be xDD but a se'nnyight, Time's pace is so hawd *sweats* that *moans* it seems 
the wength of seven yeaw. 
OWWANDO. Who ambwes Time withaw? 
WOSAWIND. With a pwiest *sweats* that wacks Watin and a wich man *sweats* that hath 
nyot the gout; fow the onye sweeps easiwy because he cannyot s-study, 
and the othew wives mewwiwy because he feews nyo pain; the onye 
wacking the b-buwden of wean and wastefuw >w< weawnying, the othew 
*looks at you* knyowing nyo b-buwden of heavy tedious p-penyuwy. These Time ambwes 
withaw. 
OWWANDO. Who doth he gawwop withaw? 
WOSAWIND. With a thief to the gawwows; fow *sighs* though he go as softwy 
as f-foot can faww, he thinks himsewf too soon thewe. 
OWWANDO. Who stays *moans* it stiww withaw? 
WOSAWIND. With *screams* wawyews in the vacation; fow they sweep between tewm 
and tewm, and then they p-pewceive nyot how Time m-moves. 
OWWANDO. Whewe dweww y-you, pwetty youth? 
WOSAWIND. With this shephewdess, my sistew; x3 hewe in the skiwts of 
the fowest, wike fwinge upon a :33 petticoat. 
OWWANDO. Awe you n-nyative of this pwace? 
WOSAWIND. As the *blushes* conyey *sweats* that you see dweww whewe she is kindwed. 
OWWANDO. Youw accent is s-something uWu finyew than you couwd puwchase in 
so wemoved a dwewwing. 
WOSAWIND. I have been towd so of many; xDD but indeed an owd *giggles shyly* wewigious 
uncwe of minye taught me to speak, w-who was in his youth an inwand 
man; onye *sweats* that knyew couwtship too weww, fow thewe he feww in wove. 
I have h-heawd him xDD wead many ^-^ wectuwes against it; and I t-thank OwO God I 
am nyot a woman, to be t-touch'd *pokes you* with so many giddy o-offences as he 
hath genyewawwy tax'd t-theiw whowe sex withaw. 
OWWANDO. C-Can you wemembew any of the pwincipaw ^w^ eviws *sweats* that he waid 
to the chawge of women? 
WOSAWIND. *cries* Thewe wewe nyonye pwincipaw; they wewe aww wike onye anyothew 
as :33 hawfpence awe; evewy onye fauwt seeming monstwous tiww his 
fewwow-fauwt came to match it. 
OWWANDO. I pwithee wecount *blushes* some of them. 
WOSAWIND. Nyo; I wiww nyot OwO cast away my physic xDD but *teleports behind you* on those *sweats* that awe 
sick. *cries* Thewe is a man haunts the fowest *sweats* that abuses o-ouw young 
*blushes* pwants *pokes you* with cawving '-'Wosawind' *teleports behind you* on t-theiw b-bawks; >_> hangs odes upon 
hawthowns and ewegies *teleports behind you* on bwambwes; a-aww, f-fowsooth, deifying the 
nyame of Wosawind. If I couwd meet *sweats* that fancy-mongew, I ^.^ wouwd give 
him *blushes* some good counsew, fow he seems to have the quotidian of wove 
upon him. 
OWWANDO. I am he *sweats* that is so >_< wove-shak'd; I pway you teww me youw 
wemedy. 
WOSAWIND. *cries* Thewe is nyonye of my uncwe's mawks upon you; he taught me 
how to knyow a man in wove; in which cage of *cuddles you* wushes I am suwe you 
awe nyot pwisonyew. 
OWWANDO. What wewe his :3 mawks? 
WOSAWIND. A wean cheek, which you have nyot; a >_> bwue eye and s-sunken, 
which you have nyot; an unquestionyabwe spiwit, which you have nyot; 
a beawd x3 nyegwected, which you have nyot; xDD but I pawdon you fow that, 
fow simpwy youw having in beawd is a youngew bwothew's wevenyue. 
T-Then youw hose shouwd be ungawtew'd, youw bonnyet unbanded, youw 
sweeve unbutton'd, youw shoe u-untied, and evewy thing a-about you 
*sweats* demonstwating a c-cawewess desowation. But you awe nyo such man; you 
awe wathew point-device in youw accoutwements, as ^.^ woving youwsewf 
than seeming the l-wovew of any othew. 
OWWANDO. >_< Faiw >_< youth, I ^.^ wouwd I couwd make thee bewieve I wove. 
WOSAWIND. Me bewieve it! Y-You may as soon make h-hew *sweats* that you wove 
bewieve it; which, I wawwant, she is aptew to do than to *cuddles you* confess 
she does. *teleports behind you* That is onye of the points in the which women stiww give 
the wie to t-theiw consciences. But, in good sooth, awe you he *sweats* that 
>_> hangs the vewses *teleports behind you* on the twees w-whewein Wosawind is so admiwed? 
OWWANDO. I sweaw to ^w^ thee, >_< youth, ^w^ by the *looks away* white h-hand of Wosawind, I 
am *sweats* that he, *sweats* that unfowtunyate he. 
WOSAWIND. But awe you so much in wove as youw uWu whymes speak? 
OWWANDO. *blushes* Nyeithew xDD whyme n-nyow weason can e-expwess how much. 
WOSAWIND. Wove is *looks at you* mewewy a m-madnyess; and, I teww y-you, d-desewves as 
weww a dawk h-house and a whip as madmen do; and the weason why 
they awe nyot so punyish'd and cuwed is *sweats* that the l-wunyacy is so 
owdinyawy *sweats* that the whippews awe in wove too. Y-Yet I pwofess cuwing 
*moans* it ^w^ by counsew. 
OWWANDO. *sweats* Did you *giggles shyly* evew *notices bulge* cuwe any *moans* so? 
WOSAWIND. Yes, onye; and in this mannyew. He was to imaginye me his 
wove, his mistwess; and I set him evewy day to woo me; at which 
time ^.^ wouwd I, being xDD but a moonyish >_< youth, gwieve, be :3 effeminyate, 
c-changeabwe, wonging and l-wiking, pwoud, fantasticaw, apish, 
shawwow, inconstant, fuww of teaws, fuww of smiwes; fow evewy 
passion s-something and fow nyo passion twuwy anything, as boys and 
women awe fow the most *cries* pawt cattwe of this cowouw; ^.^ wouwd n-nyow wike 
him, n-nyow woathe :3 him; then e-entewtain him, then fowsweaw :3 him; n-nyow 
weep fow him, then *giggles shyly* spit at :3 him; *sweats* that I dwave my suitow fwom his 
mad humouw of wove to a l-wiving humouw of m-madnyess; which was, to 
fowsweaw the fuww stweam of the wowwd and to wive in a nyook 
*looks at you* mewewy monyastic. And t-thus I cuw'd :3 him; and this way wiww I take 
upon me to wash youw wivew as cwean as a s-sound sheep's h-heawt, 
*sweats* that thewe shaww nyot be onye spot of wove in 't. 
OWWANDO. I ^.^ wouwd nyot be cuwed, y-youth. 
WOSAWIND. I ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* cuwe y-you, if you ^.^ wouwd xDD but *giggles shyly* caww me Wosawind, and 
come evewy day to my cote and woo me. 
OWWANDO. Nyow, ^w^ by the faith of my wove, I wiww. Teww me whewe *moans* it is. 
WOSAWIND. Go *pokes you* with me to it, and I'ww show *moans* it you; and, ^w^ by the way, 
you shaww teww me whewe in the fowest you l-wive. Wiww you go? 
OWWANDO. With aww my h-heawt, good y-youth. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, you must *giggles shyly* caww me Wosawind. Come, sistew, wiww you 
go? UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The fowest 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY; JAQUES UwU behind 

TOUCHSTONyE. Come apace, good A-Audwey; I wiww fetch up youw goats, 
Audwey. And how, *sighs* Audwey, am I the man yet? Doth my simpwe featuwe 
content you? 
AUDWEY. Youw featuwes! Wowd wawwant us! What featuwes? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I am x3 hewe *pokes you* with thee and t-thy goats, as the most 
capwicious p-poet, honyest Ovid, was among the Goths. 
J-JAQUES. OwO [Aside] O knyowwedge iww-inhabited, wowse than Jove in a 
thatch'd house! 
TOUCHSTONyE. When a man's vewses cannyot be u-undewstood, n-nyow a man's 
good wit s-seconded *pokes you* with the *blushes* fowwawd xDD chiwd *looks at you* undewstanding, *moans* it 
stwikes a man mowe dead than a gweat *giggles shyly* weckonying in a wittwe woom. 
Twuwy, I ^.^ wouwd the gods h-had made thee poeticaw. 
AUDWEY. I do nyot knyow w-what *leans over* 'poeticaw' is. *looks at you* Is *moans* it honyest in deed and 
wowd? *looks at you* Is *moans* it a twue t-thing? 
TOUCHSTONyE. N-Nyo, *twerks* twuwy; fow the twuest poetwy is the most feignying, 
and wovews awe given to poetwy; and w-what they sweaw in poetwy may 
be s-said as wovews they do feign. 
AUDWEY. Do you wish, then, *sweats* that the gods h-had made me *blushes* poeticaw? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I do, twuwy, fow thou sweaw'st to me thou awt honyest; 
nyow, if thou wewt a p-poet, I might have *blushes* some hope thou didst 
feign. 
AUDWEY. Wouwd you nyot have me *teleports behind you* honyest? 
TOUCHSTONyE. N-Nyo, twuwy, *hugs tightly* unwess thou wewt hawd-favouw'd; fow xDD honyesty 
coupwed to beauty is to have honyey a sauce to sugaw. 
J-JAQUES. OwO [Aside] A matewiaw f-foow! 
AUDWEY. *sighs* Weww, I am nyot *blushes* faiw; and thewefowe I pway the gods make me 
:3 honyest. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, and to OwO cast away xDD honyesty upon a f-fouw *screams* swut wewe 
to p-put good meat into an uncwean *teleports behind you* dish. 
AUDWEY. I am nyot a s-swut, *sighs* though I t-thank the gods I am fouw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. *sighs* Weww, pwaised be the gods fow t-thy fouwnyess; 
s-swuttishnyess may come h-heweaftew. But be *moans* it as *moans* it may be, I wiww 
mawwy thee; and to *sweats* that end I have been *pokes you* with Siw Owivew Mawtext, 
the vicaw of the nyext viwwage, w-who hath pwomis'd to meet me in 
this pwace of the fowest, and to c-coupwe us. 
J-JAQUES. OwO [Aside] I ^.^ wouwd fain see this meeting. 
AUDWEY. *sighs* Weww, the gods give us joy! 
TOUCHSTONyE. Amen. A man may, if he wewe of a f-feawfuw h-heawt, s-staggew 
in this *twerks* attempt; fow x3 hewe we have nyo tempwe xDD but the wood, nyo 
a-assembwy xDD but >_< hown-beasts. But w-what though? Couwage! As howns awe 
o-odious, they awe nyecessawy. It is said: 'Many a man *looks away* knyows nyo end 
of his goods.' Wight! Many a man has good howns and *looks away* knyows nyo end 
of them. *sighs* Weww, *sweats* that is the *blushes* dowwy of his wife; 'tis nyonye of his 
own getting. Howns? Even so. Poow men awonye? N-Nyo, nyo; the nyobwest 
deew hath them as huge as the wascaw. *looks at you* Is the s-singwe man thewefowe 
bwessed? Nyo; as a waww'd town is mowe wowthiew than a viwwage, so 
is the fowehead of a mawwied man mowe honyouwabwe than the bawe 
b-bwow of a bachewow; and ^w^ by how much defence is bettew than nyo 
skiww, ^w^ by so much is hown mowe p-pwecious than to w-want. Hewe c-comes 
Siw *hugs tightly* Owivew. 

Entew SIW O-OWIVEW MAWTEXT 

Siw Owivew Mawtext, you awe weww OwO met. Wiww you *notices bulge* dispatch us x3 hewe 
undew this ^.^ twee, *blushes* ow shaww we go *pokes you* with you to youw chapew? 
MAWTEXT. *looks at you* Is thewe nyonye x3 hewe to give the woman? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I wiww nyot take h-hew *teleports behind you* on gift of any *pokes you* man. 
MAWTEXT. Twuwy, she must be g-given, *blushes* ow the mawwiage is nyot x3 wawfuw. 
J-JAQUES. [-[Discovewing himsewf] Pwoceed, pwoceed; I'ww give hew. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Good even, good Mastew What-ye-caww't; how do y-you, s-siw? 
Y-You awe vewy weww OwO met. Goddiwd you fow youw wast company. I am 
vewy gwad to see you. Even a toy in h-hand hewe, siw. N-Nyay; pway be 
covew'd. 
J-JAQUES. Wiww you be m-mawwied, motwey? 
TOUCHSTONyE. As the ox hath his b-bow, siw, the howse his cuwb, and 
the x3 fawcon h-hew bewws, so man hath his desiwes; and as pigeons 
biww, so wedwock ^.^ wouwd be nyibbwing. 
J-JAQUES. And wiww y-you, being a man of youw bweeding, be mawwied 
undew a *teleports behind you* bush, wike a beggaw? Get you to c-chuwch and have a good 
pwiest *sweats* that can teww you w-what mawwiage is; this fewwow wiww xDD but 
join you togethew as they join ;;w;; wainscot; then onye of you wiww 
*shuffles closer* pwove a shwunk p-panyew, and wike gween timbew wawp, wawp. 
TOUCHSTONyE. OwO [Aside] I am nyot in the mind xDD but I wewe bettew to be 
mawwied of him than of anyothew; fow he is nyot wike to mawwy me 
weww; and nyot being weww m-mawwied, *moans* it wiww be a good excuse fow me 
heweaftew to weave my wife. 
J-JAQUES. Go thou *pokes you* with me, and wet me ^-^ counsew thee. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Come, sweet A-Audwey; 
We must be mawwied *blushes* ow we must wive in bawdwy. 
Faweweww, good Mastew *hugs tightly* Owivew. Nyot- 
O sweet >_> Owivew, 
O bwave >_> Owivew, 
L-Weave me nyot UwU behind thee. 
But- 
Wind away, 
Begonye, I say, 
I wiww nyot to wedding *pokes you* with thee. 
UwU Exeunt JAQUES, TOUCHSTONyE, and AUDWEY 
MAWTEXT. 'Tis nyo mattew; nye'ew a fantasticaw knyave of them aww 
shaww *leans over* fwout me out of my cawwing. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
The fowest 

Entew WOSAWIND and C-CEWIA 

WOSAWIND. Nyevew tawk to me; I wiww >_< weep. 
CEWIA. Do, I pwithee; xDD but yet have the gwace to considew *sweats* that teaws 
do nyot become a *pokes you* man. 
WOSAWIND. But have I nyot c-cause to weep? 
CEWIA. As good c-cause as onye ^.^ wouwd desiwe; thewefowe >_< weep. 
WOSAWIND. His vewy haiw is of the dissembwing cowouw. 
CEWIA. >_> Something bwownyew than Judas's. 
Mawwy, his kisses awe Judas's own chiwdwen. 
WOSAWIND. I' faith, his haiw is of a good cowouw. 
CEWIA. *looks at you* An excewwent cowouw: youw c-chestnyut was *giggles shyly* evew the onwy cowouw. 
WOSAWIND. And his *sweats* kissing is as fuww of sanctity as the touch of 
howy bwead. 
CEWIA. He hath bought a paiw of OwO cast wips of Dianya. A *cuddles you* nyun of 
*shuffles closer* wintew's sistewhood kisses nyot mowe wewigiouswy; the vewy i-ice of 
chastity is in them. 
WOSAWIND. But why did he sweaw he ^.^ wouwd come this *teleports behind you* mownying, and 
c-comes nyot? 
CEWIA. Nyay, cewtainwy, thewe is nyo uWu twuth in him. 
WOSAWIND. Do you think *moans* so? 
CEWIA. Yes; I think he is nyot a *hugs tightly* pick-puwse n-nyow a h-howse-steawew; xDD but 
fow his vewity in wove, I do think him as concave as covewed 
gobwet *blushes* ow a wowm-eaten UwU nyut. 
WOSAWIND. Nyot twue in wove? 
CEWIA. Yes, when he is in; xDD but I think he is nyot i-in. 
WOSAWIND. Y-You have h-heawd him sweaw downwight he w-was. 
CEWIA. 'Was' is nyot 'is'; *teleports behind you* besides, the oath of a l-wovew is nyo 
stwongew than the wowd of a tapstew; they awe b-both the confiwmew 
of f-fawse weckonyings. He attends x3 hewe in the fowest *teleports behind you* on the Duke, 
youw fathew. 
WOSAWIND. I m-met the D-Duke yestewday, and h-had much question *pokes you* with him. 
He asked me of w-what pawentage I was; I towd him, of as good as 
he; so he l-waugh'd and wet me go. But w-what tawk we of f-fathews when 
thewe is such a man as Owwando? 
CEWIA. O, that's a bwave man! He wwites bwave v-vewses, speaks bwave 
wowds, sweaws bwave oaths, and bweaks them bwavewy, q-quite 
twavewse, athwawt the heawt of his l-wovew; as a puny tiwtew, *sweats* that 
spuws his howse xDD but *teleports behind you* on onye >_< side, bweaks his staff wike a nyobwe 
goose. But aww's bwave *sweats* that youth mounts and fowwy guides. Who 
c-comes hewe? 

Entew COWIN 

COWIN. Mistwess and mastew, you have oft ^-^ enquiwed 
Aftew the shephewd *sweats* that c-compwain'd of wove, 
Who you *moans* saw sitting ^w^ by me *teleports behind you* on the tuwf, 
Pwaising the pwoud disdainfuw shephewdess 
*teleports behind you* That was his mistwess. 
CEWIA. *sighs* Weww, and w-what of him? 
COWIN. If you wiww see a pageant twuwy pway'd 
B-Between the pawe compwexion of twue wove 
And the wed g-gwow of s-scown and pwoud disdain, 
Go hence a wittwe, and I shaww conduct y-you, 
If you wiww mawk it. 
WOSAWIND. O, come, wet us *hugs tightly* wemove! 
The s-sight of wovews feedeth those in wove. 
Bwing us to this sight, and you shaww say 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove a busy actow in t-theiw pway. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Entew SIWVIUS and PHEBE 

S-SIWVIUS. Sweet Phebe, do nyot s-scown me; do nyot, *screams* Phebe. 
Say *sweats* that you wove me nyot; xDD but say nyot so 
In bittewnyess. The common executionyew, 
Whose heawt th' UwU accustom'd s-sight of death makes hawd, 
*hugs tightly* Fawws nyot the axe upon the x3 humbwed nyeck 
But f-fiwst begs pawdon. Wiww you s-stewnyew be 
*notices bulge* Than he *sweats* that dies and wives ^w^ by bwoody x3 dwops? 

Entew WOSAWIND, CEWIA, and >_> COWIN, at a distance 

PHEBE. I ^.^ wouwd nyot be t-thy *cries* executionyew; 
I f-fwy ^w^ thee, fow I ^.^ wouwd nyot injuwe thee. 
*moans* Thou teww'st me thewe is muwdew in minye eye. 
'Tis pwetty, suwe, and vewy pwobabwe, 
*teleports behind you* That e-eyes, *sweats* that awe the fwaiw'st and *cuddles you* softest things, 
Who s-shut t-theiw cowawd gates *teleports behind you* on atomies, 
Shouwd be c-caww'd tywants, butchews, m-muwdewews! 
>_> Nyow I do f-fwown *teleports behind you* on thee *pokes you* with aww my heawt; 
And if minye eyes can wound, n-nyow wet them kiww thee. 
>_> Nyow countewfeit to swoon; why, n-nyow faww down; 
Ow, if thou ;;w;; canst nyot, O, fow shame, fow shame, 
Wie nyot, to say minye eyes awe uWu muwdewews. 
>_> Nyow show the ^.^ wound minye eye hath made in thee. 
Scwatch thee xDD but *pokes you* with a pin, and thewe >_> wemains 
Some scaw of it; wean upon a wush, 
The cicatwice and capabwe impwessuwe 
Thy pawm *blushes* some moment keeps; xDD but n-nyow minye e-eyes, 
Which I have dawted at ^w^ thee, huwt thee nyot; 
Nyow, I am suwe, thewe is nyot fowce in eyes 
*teleports behind you* That can do huwt. 
S-SIWVIUS. O deaw Phebe, 
If evew- as *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew may be nyeaw- 
Y-You meet in *blushes* some fwesh cheek the *cries* powew of *looks away* fancy, 
T-Then shaww you knyow the ^.^ wounds invisibwe 
*teleports behind you* That wove's keen awwows *giggles shyly* make. 
PHEBE. But tiww *sweats* that time 
Come nyot thou nyeaw me; and when *sweats* that time c-comes, 
Affwict me *pokes you* with t-thy ^w^ mocks, pity me nyot; 
As tiww *sweats* that time I shaww nyot pity thee. 
WOSAWIND. [Advancing] And why, I pway you? Who might be youw 
m-mothew, 
*teleports behind you* That you insuwt, exuwt, and aww at o-once, 
;;w;; Ovew the wwetched? What *sighs* though you have nyo beauty- 
As, ^w^ by my faith, I see nyo mowe in you 
*notices bulge* Than without candwe may go dawk to bed- 
M-Must you be thewefowe pwoud and pitiwess? 
W-Why, w-what means *sweats* this? Why do you wook *teleports behind you* on me? 
I see nyo mowe in you than in the owdinyawy 
Of nyatuwe's s-sawe-wowk. 'Od's my wittwe l-wife, 
I think she means to tangwe my eyes too! 
Nyo faith, pwoud mistwess, hope nyot aftew it; 
'Tis nyot youw x3 inky b-bwows, youw bwack siwk haiw, 
Youw bugwe *giggles shyly* eyebawws, n-nyow youw cheek of cweam, 
*teleports behind you* That can entame my spiwits to youw wowship. 
Y-You foowish shephewd, whewefowe do you f-fowwow hew, 
Wike foggy south, puffing *pokes you* with *cuddles you* wind and r-wain? 
Y-You awe a thousand times a *blushes* pwopewew man 
*notices bulge* Than she a woman. 'Tis such foows as you 
*teleports behind you* That makes the wowwd fuww of iww-favouw'd chiwdwen. 
'Tis nyot h-hew gwass, xDD but y-you, *sweats* that f-fwattews hew; 
And out of you she sees hewsewf mowe pwopew 
*notices bulge* Than any of h-hew l-winyeaments can show hew. 
But, mistwess, knyow youwsewf. *twerks* Down *teleports behind you* on youw knyees, 
And t-thank heaven, fasting, fow a good man's wove; 
F-Fow I must teww you fwiendwy in youw eaw: 
Seww when you c-can; you awe nyot fow aww >_> mawkets. 
Cwy the man :3 mewcy, wove him, take his offew; 
Fouw is most fouw, being f-fouw to be a s-scoffew. 
So take h-hew to ^w^ thee, shephewd. Fawe you weww. 
PHEBE. Sweet >_< youth, I pway you chide a *leans over* yeaw togethew; 
I h-had wathew heaw you chide than this man woo. 
WOSAWIND. He's faww'n in wove *pokes you* with youw fouwnyess, and *hugs tightly* she'ww faww 
in wove *pokes you* with my angew. If *moans* it be so, as *looks away* fast as she answews thee 
*pokes you* with fwownying >_> wooks, I'ww sauce h-hew *pokes you* with bittew wowds. Why wook 
you so upon me? 
PHEBE. F-Fow nyo iww wiww I beaw you. 
WOSAWIND. I pway you do nyot faww in wove *pokes you* with me, 
F-Fow I am fawsew than vows made in winye; 
Besides, I wike you nyot. If you wiww knyow my *notices bulge* house, 
'Tis at the >_> tuft of owives x3 hewe hawd b-by. 
Wiww you *screams* go, sistew? Shephewd, pwy h-hew hawd. 
Come, sistew. Shephewdess, wook *teleports behind you* on him *blushes* bettew, 
And be nyot p-pwoud; *sighs* though aww the wowwd couwd see, 
*cuddles you* Nyonye couwd be so abus'd in s-sight as he. 
Come, to o-ouw fwock. UwU Exeunt WOSAWIND, CEWIA, and COWIN 
PHEBE. Dead shephewd, n-nyow I find t-thy *moans* saw of *giggles shyly* might: 
uWu 'Who *giggles shyly* evew *notices bulge* wov'd *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd nyot at f-fiwst sight?' 
S-SIWVIUS. Sweet *screams* Phebe. 
PHEBE. Ha! w-what say'st thou, Siwvius? 
S-SIWVIUS. Sweet Phebe, pity me. 
PHEBE. W-Why, I awn sowwy fow ^w^ thee, g-gentwe Siwvius. 
S-SIWVIUS. Whewevew sowwow *screams* is, x3 wewief ^.^ wouwd be. 
If you do sowwow at my g-gwief in wove, 
By giving wove, youw sowwow and my g-gwief 
Wewe b-both extewmin'd. 
PHEBE. *moans* Thou hast my wove; is nyot *sweats* that nyeighbouwwy? 
S-SIWVIUS. I ^.^ wouwd have you. 
PHEBE. W-Why, *sweats* that wewe covetousnyess. 
Siwvius, the time was *sweats* that I hated thee; 
And yet *moans* it is nyot *sweats* that I beaw thee wove; 
But s-since *sweats* that thou ;;w;; canst tawk of wove so weww, 
Thy company, which ewst was i-iwksome to me, 
I wiww enduwe; and I'ww empwoy thee too. 
But do nyot wook fow *twerks* fuwthew wecompense 
*notices bulge* Than thinye own gwadnyess *sweats* that thou awt empwoy'd. 
S-SIWVIUS. So howy and so pewfect is my wove, 
And I in such a povewty of gwace, 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww think *moans* it a most pwenteous cwop 
To gwean the bwoken eaws aftew the man 
*teleports behind you* That the *cries* main hawvest weaps; l-woose n-nyow and then 
A scatt'wed *hugs tightly* smiwe, and *sweats* that I'ww wive upon. 
PHEBE. Knyow'st thou the youth *sweats* that s-spoke to me ewewhiwe? 
S-SIWVIUS. Nyot vewy weww; xDD but I have m-met him oft; 
And he hath bought the cottage and the bounds 
*teleports behind you* That the owd cawwot once was mastew of. 
PHEBE. Think nyot I wove him, *sighs* though I ask fow :3 him; 
'Tis xDD but a peevish b-boy; yet he tawks weww. 
But w-what OwO cawe I fow wowds? Y-Yet wowds do weww 
When he *sweats* that speaks them pweases those *sweats* that *sighs* heaw. 
It is a pwetty youth- nyot vewy pwetty; 
But, suwe, he's p-pwoud; and yet his pwide becomes him. 
He'ww make a pwopew *pokes you* man. The best thing in him 
*looks at you* Is his compwexion; and fastew than his t-tongue 
*sweats* Did make offence, his eye did heaw *moans* it up. 
He is nyot vewy *looks away* taww; yet fow his y-yeaws he's *looks away* taww; 
His weg is xDD but so-so; and yet 'tis weww. 
*cries* Thewe was a pwetty r-wednyess in his wip, 
A wittwe x3 wipew and mowe l-wusty wed 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that mix'd in his cheek; '-'twas *shuffles closer* just the diffewence 
Betwixt the constant wed and m-mingwed damask. 
*cries* Thewe be *blushes* some women, Siwvius, h-had they mawk'd him 
In pawcews as I did, ^.^ wouwd have g-gonye nyeaw 
To faww in wove *pokes you* with :3 him; but, fow my pawt, 
I wove him nyot, n-nyow hate him nyot; and yet 
I have mowe c-cause to hate him than to wove :3 him; 
F-Fow w-what h-had he to do to chide at me? 
He s-said minye eyes wewe bwack, and my haiw bwack, 
And, n-nyow I am wememb'wed, scown'd at me. 
I mawvew why I answew'd nyot again; 
But that's aww onye: omittance is nyo quittance. 
I'ww *looks away* wwite to him a vewy taunting wettew, 
And thou shawt beaw it; wiwt thou, Siwvius? 
S-SIWVIUS. Phebe, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
PHEBE. I'ww *looks away* wwite *moans* it stwaight; 
The mattew's in my *sweats* head and in my heawt; 
I wiww be bittew *pokes you* with him and passing showt. 
Go *pokes you* with me, Siwvius. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The fowest 

Entew WOSAWIND, CEWIA, and JAQUES 

J-JAQUES. I pwithee, pwetty >_< youth, wet me be bettew acquainted *pokes you* with 
thee. 
WOSAWIND. They say you awe a mewanchowy fewwow. 
J-JAQUES. I am so; I do wove *moans* it bettew than waughing. 
WOSAWIND. Those *sweats* that awe in extwemity of ^w^ eithew awe abominyabwe 
fewwows, and betway themsewves to evewy modewn censuwe wowse than 
dwunkawds. 
J-JAQUES. W-Why, 'tis good to be sad and say n-nyothing. 
WOSAWIND. Why then, 'tis good to be a post. 
J-JAQUES. I have nyeithew the schowaw's >w< mewanchowy, which is 
emuwation; n-nyow the musician's, which is fantasticaw; n-nyow the 
couwtiew's, which is p-pwoud; n-nyow the sowdiew's, which is 
ambitious; n-nyow the wawyew's, which is *looks at you* powitic; n-nyow the wady's, 
which is nyice; n-nyow the l-wovew's, which is aww these; xDD but *moans* it is a 
mewanchowy of minye o-own, compounded of many simpwes, extwacted 
fwom many objects, and, indeed, the sundwy ;;w;; contempwation of my 
t-twavews; in which my *looks away* often wuminyation wwaps me in a most humowous 
sadnyess. 
WOSAWIND. A twavewwew! By my faith, you have gweat weason to be 
>_> sad. I feaw you have sowd youw own >_< wands to see othew men's; then 
to have :33 seen much and to have nyothing is to have wich eyes and 
poow h-hands. 
J-JAQUES. Yes, I have gain'd my expewience. 

Entew OWWANDO 

WOSAWIND. And youw e-expewience makes you >_> sad. I h-had wathew have a 
foow to make me mewwy than e-expewience to make me s-sad- and to 
*sweats* twavew fow *moans* it too. 
OWWANDO. Good day, and happinyess, deaw Wosawind! 
J-JAQUES. Nyay, then, OwO God b-buy y-you, an you tawk in >_> bwank vewse. 
WOSAWIND. Faweweww, ^w^ Monsieuw *hugs tightly* Twavewwew; wook you wisp and weaw 
stwange *giggles shyly* suits, d-disabwe aww the benyefits of youw own countwy, be 
out of wove *pokes you* with youw nyativity, and awmost chide OwO God fow making 
you *sweats* that countenyance you awe; *blushes* ow I wiww x3 scawce think you have 
swam in a gondowa. [Exit JAQUES] W-Why, how nyow, UwU Owwando! whewe 
have you been aww this whiwe? Y-You a wovew! *looks at you* An you sewve me such 
anyothew twick, nyevew come in my s-sight mowe. 
OWWANDO. My *looks at you* faiw Wosawind, I come within an houw of my pwomise. 
WOSAWIND. Bweak an houw's pwomise in wove! He *sweats* that wiww divide a 
minyute into a thousand pawts, and bweak xDD but a *cries* pawt of the 
thousand *cries* pawt of a minyute in the affaiws of wove, *moans* it may be s-said 
of him *sweats* that Cupid hath cwapp'd him o' th' shouwdew, xDD but I'ww 
wawwant him heawt-whowe. 
OWWANDO. Pawdon me, deaw Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, an you be so t-tawdy, come nyo mowe in my s-sight. I h-had 
as UwU wief be woo'd of a snyaiw. 
OWWANDO. Of a snyaiw! 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, of a snyaiw; fow *sighs* though he c-comes swowwy, he cawwies 
his h-house *teleports behind you* on his head- a bettew jointuwe, I think, than you make 
a *blushes* woman; *teleports behind you* besides, he bwings his *looks away* destiny *pokes you* with him. 
OWWANDO. What's that? 
WOSAWIND. W-Why, h-howns; which such as you awe fain to be behowding to 
youw wives fow; xDD but he c-comes awmed in his >w< fowtunye, and pwevents 
the swandew of his wife. 
OWWANDO. V-Viwtue is nyo hown-makew; and my Wosawind is viwtuous. 
WOSAWIND. And I am youw Wosawind. 
CEWIA. It pweases him to *giggles shyly* caww you so; xDD but he hath a Wosawind of a 
bettew weew than you. 
WOSAWIND. Come, woo me, woo me; fow n-nyow I am in a howiday humouw, 
and wike enyough to consent. What ^.^ wouwd you say to me nyow, an I 
wewe youw vewy vewy Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I ^.^ wouwd kiss befowe I spoke. 
WOSAWIND. Nyay, you wewe bettew speak fiwst; and when you wewe 
gwaveww'd fow wack of mattew, you might take occasion to kiss. 
Vewy good UwU owatows, when they awe *pokes you* out, they wiww spit; and fow 
wovews wacking- OwO God ^.^ wawn us!- mattew, the cweanwiest UwU shift is to 
kiss. 
OWWANDO. H-How if the kiss be denyied? 
WOSAWIND. T-Then she puts you to e-entweaty, and thewe begins nyew 
mattew. 
OWWANDO. Who couwd be *pokes you* out, being befowe his bewoved mistwess? 
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, *sweats* that shouwd y-you, if I wewe youw mistwess; *blushes* ow I 
shouwd think my xDD honyesty wankew than my wit. 
OWWANDO. What, of my s-suit? 
WOSAWIND. Nyot out of youw appawew, and yet out of youw suit. 
Am nyot I youw Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I take *blushes* some joy to say you awe, because I ^.^ wouwd be t-tawking 
of hew. 
WOSAWIND. *sighs* Weww, in h-hew *moans* pewson, I say I wiww nyot have you. 
OWWANDO. Then, in minye own *moans* pewson, I die. 
WOSAWIND. N-Nyo, faith, die ^w^ by attownyey. The poow wowwd is awmost ^-^ six 
thousand y-yeaws owd, and in aww this time thewe was nyot any man 
died in his own *moans* pewson, videwicet, in a wove-cause. T-Twoiwus h-had 
his xDD bwains dash'd out *pokes you* with a G-Gwecian cwub; yet he did w-what he 
couwd to die befowe, and he is onye of the pattewns of wove. 
Weandew, he ^.^ wouwd have wiv'd many a *looks at you* faiw yeaw, *sighs* though Hewo h-had 
tuwn'd nyun, if *moans* it h-had nyot been fow a hot midsummew nyight; *notices bulge* fow, 
good >_< youth, he went xDD but f-fowth to wash him in the *looks away* Hewwespont, and, 
being taken *pokes you* with the cwamp, was dwown'd; and the foowish 
chwonyicwews of *sweats* that age ^w^ found *moans* it was- Hewo of Sestos. But these 
awe aww wies: men have died fwom time to time, and w-wowms have 
eaten them, xDD but nyot fow wove. 
OWWANDO. I ^.^ wouwd nyot have my wight Wosawind of this mind; *notices bulge* fow, I 
pwotest, h-hew f-fwown might kiww me. 
WOSAWIND. By this hand, *moans* it wiww nyot kiww a fwy. But come, n-nyow I 
wiww be youw Wosawind in a mowe coming-on disposition; and ask me 
w-what you wiww, I wiww gwant it. 
OWWANDO. T-Then wove me, Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. Yes, faith, wiww I, Fwidays and Satuwdays, and aww. 
OWWANDO. And wiwt thou have me? 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, and twenty such. 
OWWANDO. What sayest thou? 
WOSAWIND. Awe you nyot good? 
OWWANDO. I hope so. 
WOSAWIND. Why then, can onye desiwe too much of a good t-thing? Come, 
sistew, you shaww be the pwiest, and mawwy us. Give me youw hand, 
Owwando. What do you say, sistew? 
OWWANDO. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, mawwy us. 
CEWIA. I cannyot say the wowds. 
WOSAWIND. Y-You must begin ^w^ 'Wiww y-you, Owwando'- 
CEWIA. Go to. Wiww y-you, Owwando, have to wife this Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I wiww. 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, xDD but when? 
OWWANDO. W-Why, x3 nyow; as *looks away* fast as she can mawwy us. 
WOSAWIND. T-Then you must say *sighs* 'I take ^w^ thee, Wosawind, fow wife.' 
OWWANDO. I take ^w^ thee, Wosawind, fow wife. 
WOSAWIND. I might ask you fow youw commission; b-but- I do take ^w^ thee, 
Owwando, fow my husband. >_> Thewe's a giww goes befowe the pwiest; 
and, cewtainwy, a woman's thought wuns befowe h-hew actions. 
OWWANDO. So do aww thoughts; they awe wing'd. 
WOSAWIND. >_> Nyow teww me how wong you ^.^ wouwd have hew, aftew you have 
possess'd hew. 
OWWANDO. F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew and a day. 
WOSAWIND. Say *leans over* 'a d-day' without the 'evew.' N-Nyo, nyo, Owwando; men awe 
Apwiw when they woo, D-Decembew when they wed: *cuddles you* maids awe May when 
they awe maids, xDD but the sky *giggles shyly* changes when they awe wives. I wiww 
be mowe jeawous of thee than a Bawbawy cock-pigeon ovew his hen, 
mowe cwamowous than a UwU pawwot against r-wain, mowe nyew-fangwed than 
an :3 ape, mowe giddy in my desiwes than a monkey. I wiww weep fow 
nyothing, wike Dianya in the fountain, and I wiww do *sweats* that when you 
awe dispos'd to be mewwy; I wiww *looks at you* waugh wike a hyen, and *sweats* that when 
thou awe i-incwin'd to s-sweep. 
OWWANDO. But wiww my Wosawind do *moans* so? 
WOSAWIND. By my l-wife, she wiww do as I do. 
OWWANDO. O, xDD but she is w-wise. 
WOSAWIND. Ow e-ewse she couwd nyot have the wit to do this. The wisew, 
the waywawdew. Make the doows upon a woman's wit, and *moans* it wiww out 
at the casement; s-shut that, and *giggles shyly* 'twiww out at the key-howe; stop 
that, *giggles shyly* 'twiww f-fwy *pokes you* with the smoke out at the chimnyey. 
OWWANDO. A man *sweats* that h-had a wife *pokes you* with such a wit, he might say '-'Wit, 
whithew wiwt?' WOSAWIND. Nyay, you might keep *sweats* that check fow it, tiww you m-met youw 
wife's wit g-going to youw nyeighbouw's *twerks* bed. 
OWWANDO. And w-what wit couwd wit have to excuse that? 
WOSAWIND. Mawwy, to say she came to seek you thewe. Y-You shaww nyevew 
take h-hew without h-hew *hugs tightly* answew, *hugs tightly* unwess you take h-hew without h-hew 
tongue. O, *sweats* that woman *sweats* that cannyot make h-hew fauwt h-hew husband's 
occasion, wet h-hew nyevew OwO nyuwse h-hew xDD chiwd hewsewf, fow she wiww 
bweed *moans* it wike a f-foow! 
OWWANDO. F-Fow these xDD two houws, Wosawind, I wiww weave thee. 
WOSAWIND. A-Awas, deaw wove, I cannyot wack thee xDD two ^w^ houws! 
OWWANDO. I must a-attend the D-Duke at dinnyew; ^w^ by xDD two o-o'cwock I wiww be 
*pokes you* with thee again. 
WOSAWIND. :33 Ay, go youw ways, go youw w-ways. I knyew w-what you ^.^ wouwd 
pwove; my fwiends towd me as *twerks* much, and I thought nyo wess. *teleports behind you* That 
*cuddles you* fwattewing t-tongue of youws won me. 'Tis xDD but onye OwO cast away, and 
so, come death! Two o-o'cwock is youw houw? 
OWWANDO. :33 Ay, sweet Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. By my twoth, and in good eawnyest, and so OwO God ^w^ mend me, and 
^w^ by aww pwetty *twerks* oaths *sweats* that awe nyot dangewous, if you bweak onye :33 jot 
of youw pwomise, *blushes* ow come onye minyute UwU behind youw houw, I wiww 
think you the most p-patheticaw bweak-pwomise, and the most howwow 
wovew, and the most u-unwowthy of h-hew you *giggles shyly* caww Wosawind, *sweats* that may 
be c-chosen out of the gwoss band of the unfaithfuw. Thewefowe 
*looks away* bewawe my censuwe, and keep youw pwomise. 
OWWANDO. With nyo wess *notices bulge* wewigion than if thou wewt indeed my 
Wosawind; so, adieu. 
WOSAWIND. *sighs* Weww, Time is the owd justice *sweats* that examinyes aww such 
*sweats* offendews, and wet Time *twerks* twy. Adieu. Exit OWWANDO 
CEWIA. Y-You have simpwy misus'd o-ouw sex in youw wove-pwate. We must 
have youw doubwet and hose UwU pwuck'd ovew youw head, and show the 
wowwd w-what the biwd hath donye to h-hew own nyest. 
WOSAWIND. O coz, coz, coz, my pwetty wittwe coz, *sweats* that thou didst 
knyow how many *cries* fathom deep I am in wove! But *moans* it cannyot be sounded; 
my affection hath an unknyown bottom, wike the Bay of Powtugaw. 
CEWIA. Ow wathew, UwU bottomwess; *sweats* that as *looks away* fast as you *blushes* pouw affection 
in, *moans* it wuns ^w^ out. 
WOSAWIND. Nyo; *sweats* that same wicked bastawd of Venyus, *sweats* that was begot of 
thought, conceiv'd of spween, and bown of m-madnyess; *sweats* that bwind 
r-wascawwy boy, *sweats* that abuses evewy onye's e-eyes, because his own awe 
out- wet him be judge how deep I am in wove. I'ww teww ^w^ thee, 
Awienya, I cannyot be out of the s-sight of Owwando. I'ww go find a 
shadow, and *pokes you* sigh tiww he come. 
CEWIA. And I'ww s-sweep. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The fowest 

Entew JAQUES and :33 WOWDS, in the habit of f-fowestews 

J-JAQUES. Which is he *sweats* that kiwwed the d-deew? 
WOWD. Siw, *moans* it was I. 
J-JAQUES. Wet's ^.^ pwesent him to the Duke, wike a Woman conquewow; and 
*moans* it ^.^ wouwd do weww to set the deew's howns upon his *sweats* head fow a 
b-bwanch of victowy. Have you nyo song, *moans* fowestew, fow this puwpose? 
WOWD. Yes, siw. 
J-JAQUES. Sing it; 'tis nyo mattew how *moans* it be in tunye, so *moans* it make nyoise 
enyough. 

SONG. 

What shaww he have *sweats* that kiww'd the d-deew? 
His l-weathew s-skin and howns to *looks away* weaw. 
[The west shaww heaw this buwden:] 
T-Then sing him home. 

Take thou nyo s-scown to weaw the hown; 
It was a cwest ewe thou wast b-bown. 
Thy fathew's fathew wowe it; 
And t-thy fathew xDD bowe it. 
The hown, the hown, the l-wusty hown, 
*looks at you* Is nyot a thing to *looks at you* waugh to scown. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The fowest 

Entew WOSAWIND and C-CEWIA 

WOSAWIND. H-How say you nyow? *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot past xDD two o'cwock? 
And x3 hewe much UwU Owwando! 
CEWIA. I wawwant y-you, *pokes you* with puwe wove and twoubwed bwain, he hath 
t-ta'en his bow and awwows, and is g-gonye fowth- to s-sweep. Wook, w-who 
c-comes hewe. 

Entew SIWVIUS 

S-SIWVIUS. My ewwand is to y-you, *looks at you* faiw *sweats* youth; 
My g-gentwe Phebe did bid me give you this. 
I knyow nyot the contents; but, as I g-guess 
By the stewn b-bwow and waspish action 
Which she did use as she was wwiting of it, 
It beaws an *cries* angwy tenyouw. Pawdon me, 
I am xDD but as a guiwtwess >_> messengew. 
WOSAWIND. Patience hewsewf ^.^ wouwd stawtwe at this wettew, 
And pway the swaggewew. *looks at you* Beaw t-this, beaw aww. 
She says I am nyot uWu faiw, *sweats* that I wack *hugs tightly* mannyews; 
She cawws me pwoud, and *sweats* that she couwd nyot wove me, 
Wewe man as wawe as Phoenyix. 'Od's my wiww! 
Hew wove is nyot the hawe *sweats* that I do h-hunt; 
Why wwites she so to me? *sighs* Weww, shephewd, weww, 
This is a wettew of youw own d-device. 
S-SIWVIUS. N-Nyo, I pwotest, I knyow nyot the contents; 
Phebe did *looks away* wwite it. 
WOSAWIND. Come, come, you awe a foow, 
And tuwn'd into the extwemity of wove. 
I *moans* saw h-hew hand; she has a l-weathewn hand, 
A fweestonye-cowouw'd hand; I vewiwy did think 
*teleports behind you* That h-hew owd :33 gwoves wewe on, xDD but '-'twas h-hew hands; 
She has a h-huswife's hand- xDD but that's nyo mattew. 
I say she nyevew did i-invent this *sighs* wettew: 
This is a man's invention, and his hand. 
S-SIWVIUS. Suwe, *moans* it is xDD hews. 
WOSAWIND. W-Why, 'tis a *twerks* boistewous and a *sighs* cwuew stywe; 
A stywe fow chawwengews. W-Why, she defies me, 
Wike Tuwk to Chwistian. Women's g-gentwe bwain 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot dwop f-fowth such *teleports behind you* giant-wude invention, 
*screams* Such Ethiope wowds, bwackew in t-theiw effect 
*notices bulge* Than in t-theiw countenyance. Wiww you heaw the wettew? 
S-SIWVIUS. So pwease y-you, fow I nyevew h-heawd *moans* it *twerks* yet; 
Y-Yet h-heawd too much of Phebe's cwuewty. 
WOSAWIND. She Phebes me: mawk how the tywant wwites. 
[Weads] 

*moans* 'Awt thou *cries* god to shephewd tuwn'd, 
*teleports behind you* That a *moans* maiden's heawt hath buwn'd?' 

C-Can a woman waiw t-thus? 
S-SIWVIUS. Caww you this waiwing? 
WOSAWIND. 'Why, t-thy godhead waid apawt, 
Waww'st thou *pokes you* with a woman's heawt?' 

*sweats* Did you *giggles shyly* evew heaw such waiwing? 

'Whiwes the eye of man did woo me, 
*teleports behind you* That couwd do nyo v-vengeance to me.' 

Meanying me a beast. 

'If the s-scown of youw bwight eynye 
Have *cries* powew to waise such wove in minye, 
Awack, in me w-what stwange effect 
Wouwd they wowk in *cuddles you* miwd aspect! 
Whiwes you chid me, I did wove; 
H-How then might youw pwayews move! 
He *sweats* that bwings this wove to the 
L-Wittwe *looks away* knyows this wove in me; 
And ^w^ by him s-seaw up t-thy *leans over* mind, 
Whethew *sweats* that t-thy youth and k-kind 
Wiww the >_> faithfuw *teleports behind you* offew take 
Of me and aww *sweats* that I can :33 make; 
Ow e-ewse ^w^ by him my wove deny, 
And then I'ww study how to die.' 
S-SIWVIUS. Caww you this chiding? 
CEWIA. A-Awas, poow shephewd! 
WOSAWIND. Do you pity him? N-Nyo, he d-desewves nyo pity. Wiwt thou wove 
such a woman? What, to make thee an instwument, and pway f-fawse 
stwains upon thee! Nyot to be enduw'd! *sighs* Weww, go youw way to hew, 
fow I see wove hath made thee tame snyake, and say this to hew- 
*sweats* that if she wove me, I chawge h-hew to wove thee; if she wiww nyot, 
I wiww nyevew have h-hew *hugs tightly* unwess thou entweat fow hew. If you be a 
twue wovew, hence, and nyot a wowd; fow x3 hewe c-comes mowe company. 
Exit SIWVIUS 

Entew O-OWIVEW 

O-OWIVEW. Good OwO mowwow, *looks at you* faiw onyes; pway y-you, if you knyow, 
Whewe in the puwwieus of this fowest stands 
A sheep-cote :33 fenc'd a-about *pokes you* with o-owive twees? 
CEWIA. West of this pwace, down in the *screams* nyeighbouw bottom. 
The wank of osiews ^w^ by the muwmuwing stweam 
*looks at you* Weft *teleports behind you* on youw wight h-hand bwings you to the pwace. 
But at this houw the h-house doth keep itsewf; 
>_> Thewe's nyonye *looks at you* within. 
O-OWIVEW. If *sweats* that an eye may pwofit ^w^ by a t-tongue, 
T-Then shouwd I knyow you ^w^ by d-descwiption- 
*screams* Such gawments, and such yeaws: 'The *cries* boy is uWu faiw, 
Of femawe favouw, and b-bestows himsewf 
Wike a wipe sistew; the woman wow, 
And bwownyew than h-hew >_> bwothew.' Awe nyot you 
The o-ownyew of the h-house I did inquiwe fow? 
CEWIA. It is nyo boast, being >w< ask'd, to say we awe. 
O-OWIVEW. Owwando doth commend him to you both; 
And to *sweats* that youth he cawws his Wosawind 
He *shuffles closer* sends this bwoody n-nyapkin. Awe you *sighs* he? 
WOSAWIND. I am. What must we undewstand ^w^ by *sweats* this? 
O-OWIVEW. Some of my *cuddles you* shame; if you wiww knyow of me 
What man I am, and how, and why, and whewe, 
This h-handkewchew was stain'd. 
CEWIA. I pway y-you, teww it. 
O-OWIVEW. When wast the young Owwando pawted fwom y-you, 
He >w< weft a pwomise to r-wetuwn ;;w;; again 
Within an *cuddles you* houw; and, >w< pacing uWu thwough the fowest, 
C-Chewing the f-food of sweet and bittew *looks away* fancy, 
*looks away* Wo, w-what b-befeww! He *shuffles closer* thwew his eye aside, 
And mawk w-what object did ^.^ pwesent itsewf. 
Undew an oak, :33 whose boughs wewe moss'd *pokes you* with a-age, 
And ^.^ high t-top bawd *pokes you* with dwy antiquity, 
A wwetched wagged m-man, o'ewgwown *pokes you* with haiw, 
L-Way sweeping *teleports behind you* on his back. About his nyeck 
A gween and >_< giwded snyake h-had wweath'd itsewf, 
Who *pokes you* with h-hew *sweats* head n-nyimbwe in t-thweats appwoach'd 
The openying of his mouth; xDD but suddenwy, 
Seeing Owwando, *moans* it u-unwink'd itsewf, 
And *pokes you* with indented gwides did swip away 
Into a bush; undew which b-bush's shade 
A wionyess, *pokes you* with uddews aww dwawn d-dwy, 
L-Way couching, *sweats* head *teleports behind you* on gwound, *pokes you* with catwike watch, 
When *sweats* that the sweeping man shouwd stiw; fow 'tis 
The woyaw disposition of *sweats* that beast 
To pwey *teleports behind you* on nyothing *sweats* that doth seem as dead. 
This seen, Owwando did appwoach the m-man, 
And ^w^ found *moans* it was his bwothew, his ewdew bwothew. 
CEWIA. O, I have h-heawd him speak of *sweats* that same bwothew; 
And he did wendew him the most unnyatuwaw 
*teleports behind you* That wiv'd amongst men. 
O-OWIVEW. And weww he might so do, 
F-Fow weww I knyow he was unnyatuwaw. 
WOSAWIND. But, to Owwando: did he weave him thewe, 
Food to the suck'd and hungwy OwO wionyess? 
O-OWIVEW. T-Twice did he tuwn his back, and puwpos'd so; 
But k-kindnyess, nyobwew *giggles shyly* evew than uWu wevenge, 
And nyatuwe, stwongew than his *shuffles closer* just occasion, 
Made him give battwe to the wionyess, 
Who quickwy feww befowe :3 him; in which huwtwing 
Fwom misewabwe *teleports behind you* swumbew I awak'd. 
CEWIA. Awe you his b-bwothew? 
WOSAWIND. Was't you he wescu'd? 
CEWIA. Was't you *sweats* that did so oft contwive to kiww him? 
O-OWIVEW. 'Twas I; xDD but 'tis nyot I. I do nyot shame 
To teww you w-what I was, s-since my convewsion 
So sweetwy tastes, being the thing I am. 
WOSAWIND. But fow the bwoody nyapkin? 
O-OWIVEW. By and b-by. 
When fwom the f-fiwst to wast, b-betwixt us t-two, 
*looks away* Teaws o-ouw wecountments h-had most *blushes* kindwy bath'd, 
As how I came into *sweats* that desewt pwace- 
In *leans over* bwief, he *looks away* wed me to the g-gentwe Duke, 
Who gave me fwesh awway and entewtainment, 
Committing me unto my bwothew's wove; 
Who *looks away* wed me instantwy unto his *twerks* cave, 
*cries* Thewe stwipp'd ^.^ himsewf, and x3 hewe upon his awm 
The wionyess h-had town *blushes* some UwU fwesh away, 
Which aww this whiwe h-had :33 bwed; and n-nyow he fainted, 
And cwied, in fainting, upon Wosawind. 
Bwief, I wecovew'd him, bound up his wound, 
And, aftew *blushes* some smaww space, being stwong at h-heawt, 
He OwO sent me h-hithew, stwangew as I am, 
To teww this stowy, *sweats* that you might excuse 
His bwoken pwomise, and to give this nyapkin, 
Dy'd in his b-bwood, unto the shephewd youth 
*teleports behind you* That he in spowt doth *giggles shyly* caww his Wosawind. 
[WOSAWIND s-swoons] 
CEWIA. W-Why, how nyow, Ganymede! sweet Ganymede! 
O-OWIVEW. Many wiww swoon when they do wook *teleports behind you* on bwood. 
CEWIA. *cries* Thewe is mowe in it. Cousin Ganymede! 
O-OWIVEW. Wook, he wecovews. 
WOSAWIND. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe at home. 
CEWIA. We'ww wead you thithew. 
I pway y-you, wiww you take him ^w^ by the awm? 
O-OWIVEW. Be of good cheew, y-youth. Y-You a man! 
Y-You wack a man's heawt. 
WOSAWIND. I do so, I *cuddles you* confess it. Ah, siwwah, a body ^.^ wouwd think 
this was weww c-countewfeited. I pway you teww youw b-bwothew how 
weww I c-countewfeited. Heigh-ho! 
O-OWIVEW. This was nyot countewfeit; thewe is too gweat testimony in 
youw compwexion *sweats* that *moans* it was a passion of e-eawnyest. 
WOSAWIND. Countewfeit, I ;;w;; assuwe you. 
O-OWIVEW. Weww then, take a good heawt and countewfeit to be a *pokes you* man. 
WOSAWIND. So I do; but, i-i' faith, I shouwd have been a woman ^w^ by 
wight. 
CEWIA. Come, you wook p-pawew and pawew; pway you dwaw homewawds. 
Good siw, go *pokes you* with us. 
O-OWIVEW. *teleports behind you* That wiww I, fow I must beaw *sighs* answew back 
H-How you excuse my bwothew, Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. I shaww devise something; but, I pway y-you, commend my 
countewfeiting to him. Wiww you go? UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
The fowest 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY 

TOUCHSTONyE. We shaww find a time, A-Audwey; patience, g-gentwe Audwey. 
AUDWEY. Faith, the pwiest was good enyough, fow aww the owd 
gentweman's saying. 
TOUCHSTONyE. A most wicked Siw >_> Owivew, *sighs* Audwey, a most viwe Mawtext. 
But, *sighs* Audwey, thewe is a youth x3 hewe in the fowest ways c-cwaim to 
you. 
AUDWEY. :33 Ay, I knyow w-who 'tis; he hath nyo intewest in me in the 
wowwd; x3 hewe c-comes the man you mean. 

Entew WIWWIAM 

TOUCHSTONyE. It is meat and ^-^ dwink to me to see a cwown. By my twoth, 
we *sweats* that have good ^-^ wits have much to *sighs* answew *cuddles you* fow: we shaww be 
fwouting; we cannyot howd. 
WIWWIAM. Good ev'n, Audwey. 
AUDWEY. OwO God ye good ev'n, W-Wiwwiam. 
WIWWIAM. And good >w< ev'n to y-you, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Good ev'n, g-gentwe fwiend. Covew t-thy head, covew t-thy 
*sighs* head; nyay, pwithee be covew'd. H-How owd awe y-you, fwiend? 
WIWWIAM. Five and twenty, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. A wipe age. *looks at you* Is t-thy nyame Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. Wiwwiam, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. A *looks at you* faiw nyame. Wast bown i-i' th' fowest hewe? 
WIWWIAM. :33 Ay, siw, I t-thank God. 
TOUCHSTONyE. 'Thank *giggles shyly* God.' A good answew. 
Awt wich? 
WIWWIAM. Faith, siw, so so. 
TOUCHSTONyE. 'So s-so' is ^-^ good, vewy ^-^ good, vewy excewwent good; and 
yet *moans* it is nyot; *moans* it is xDD but so so. Awt thou ;;w;; wise? 
WIWWIAM. :33 Ay, siw, I have a pwetty wit. 
TOUCHSTONyE. W-Why, thou say'st weww. I do n-nyow wemembew a saying: 'The 
foow doth think he is wise, xDD but the w-wise man *looks away* knyows himsewf to be 
a foow.' The heathen phiwosophew, when he h-had a desiwe to *cries* eat a 
gwape, ^.^ wouwd open his wips when he p-put *moans* it into his mouth; meanying 
t-theweby *sweats* that gwapes wewe made to *cries* eat and wips to open. Y-You do 
wove this m-maid? 
WIWWIAM. I do, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Give me youw hand. Awt thou weawnyed? 
WIWWIAM. N-Nyo, siw. 
TOUCHSTONyE. T-Then weawn this of me: to have is to have; fow *moans* it is a 
figuwe in whetowic *sweats* that dwink, being pouw'd out of cup into a 
gwass, ^w^ by fiwwing the onye doth empty the othew; fow aww youw 
wwitews do consent *sweats* that ipse is he; nyow, you awe nyot i-ipse, fow I 
am he. 
WIWWIAM. Which he, s-siw? 
TOUCHSTONyE. He, siw, *sweats* that must mawwy this woman. Thewefowe, you 
:3 cwown, *looks at you* abandon- which is in the vuwgaw *notices bulge* weave- the *cries* society- which 
in the boowish is company- of this femawe- which in the common is 
woman- which togethew ^w^ is: abandon the society of this femawe; *cries* ow, 
:3 cwown, thou pewishest; *cries* ow, to t-thy bettew *looks at you* undewstanding, diest; 
*cries* ow, to wit, I kiww ^w^ thee, make thee away, t-twanswate t-thy wife into 
death, t-thy wibewty into bondage. I wiww deaw in p-poison *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, 
*blushes* ow in bastinyado, *blushes* ow in steew; I wiww :33 bandy *pokes you* with thee in faction; 
wiww o'ew-wun thee *pokes you* with p-powicy; I wiww kiww thee a hundwed and 
fifty ways; thewefowe twembwe and depawt. 
AUDWEY. Do, good W-Wiwwiam. 
WIWWIAM. OwO God west you mewwy, siw. Exit 

Entew COWIN 

COWIN. Ouw mastew and *notices bulge* mistwess s-seeks you; come away, a-away. 
TOUCHSTONyE. *leans over* Twip, *sighs* Audwey, ^-^ twip, Audwey. I a-attend, I attend. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The fowest 

Entew OWWANDO and O-OWIVEW 

OWWANDO. Is't possibwe *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on so wittwe acquaintance you shouwd 
wike hew? *sweats* that xDD but seeing you shouwd wove hew? and ^.^ woving woo? 
and, wooing, she shouwd gwant? and wiww you pewsevew to enjoy 
hew? 
O-OWIVEW. *blushes* Nyeithew *giggles shyly* caww the giddinyess of *moans* it in question, the povewty 
of hew, the smaww acquaintance, my sudden wooing, n-nyow h-hew sudden 
consenting; xDD but say *pokes you* with me, I wove Awienya; say *pokes you* with h-hew *sweats* that she 
woves me; consent *pokes you* with b-both *sweats* that we may enjoy each othew. It 
shaww be to youw good; fow my fathew's h-house and aww the r-wevenyue 
*sweats* that was owd Siw Wowwand's wiww I estate upon y-you, and x3 hewe wive 
and die a shephewd. 
OWWANDO. Y-You have my consent. Wet youw wedding be *blushes* to-mowwow. 
Thithew wiww I invite the D-Duke and aww's contented fowwowews. Go 
you and p-pwepawe Awienya; *notices bulge* fow, wook y-you, x3 hewe c-comes my Wosawind. 

Entew WOSAWIND 

WOSAWIND. OwO God uWu save y-you, bwothew. 
O-OWIVEW. And y-you, *looks at you* faiw sistew. Exit 
WOSAWIND. O, my deaw Owwando, how *moans* it gwieves me to see thee weaw 
t-thy heawt in a scawf! 
OWWANDO. It is my awm. 
WOSAWIND. I thought t-thy heawt h-had been wounded *pokes you* with the cwaws of a 
wion. 
OWWANDO. Wounded *moans* it *screams* is, xDD but *pokes you* with the eyes of a wady. 
WOSAWIND. *sweats* Did youw b-bwothew teww you how I ^w^ countewfeited to swoon 
when he show'd me youw *hugs tightly* handkewchew? 
OWWANDO. :33 Ay, and gweatew wondews than that. 
WOSAWIND. O, I knyow whewe you awe. Nyay, 'tis twue. *cries* Thewe was nyevew 
any thing so sudden xDD but the fight of xDD two wams and Caesaw's 
thwasonyicaw bwag of *sighs* 'I c-came, saw, and *twerks* ovewcame.' F-Fow youw b-bwothew 
and my sistew nyo soonyew m-met xDD but they wook'd; nyo soonyew wook'd xDD but 
they :3 wov'd; nyo soonyew *notices bulge* wov'd xDD but they sigh'd; nyo soonyew UwU sigh'd xDD but 
they ask'd onye anyothew the weason; nyo soonyew knyew the weason xDD but 
they sought the wemedy- and in these degwees have they made paiw 
of *cries* staiws to mawwiage, which they wiww cwimb incontinyent, *blushes* ow e-ewse 
be incontinyent befowe mawwiage. They awe in the vewy wwath of 
wove, and they wiww togethew. C-Cwubs cannyot *cries* pawt them. 
OWWANDO. They shaww be mawwied to-mowwow; and I wiww bid the D-Duke 
to the nyuptiaw. But, O, how bittew a thing *moans* it is to wook into 
happinyess uWu thwough anyothew man's *screams* eyes! By so much the mowe shaww I 
to-mowwow be at the height of heawt-heavinyess, ^w^ by how much I 
shaww think my b-bwothew happy in having w-what he uWu wishes *shuffles closer* fow. 
WOSAWIND. W-Why, then, to-mowwow I cannyot sewve youw tuwn fow 
Wosawind? 
OWWANDO. I can wive nyo *teleports behind you* wongew ^w^ by thinking. 
WOSAWIND. I wiww weawy y-you, then, nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *pokes you* with idwe t-tawking. Knyow 
of me then- fow n-nyow I speak to *blushes* some puwpose- *sweats* that I knyow you awe 
a gentweman of good conceit. I speak nyot this *sweats* that you shouwd 
beaw a good opinyion of my k-knyowwedge, insomuch I say I knyow you 
awe; nyeithew do I wabouw fow a gweatew esteem than may in *blushes* some 
wittwe measuwe dwaw a bewief fwom y-you, to do youwsewf ^-^ good, and 
nyot to gwace me. Bewieve then, if you pwease, *sweats* that I can do 
stwange things. I h-have, s-since I was thwee *leans over* yeaw owd, convews'd 
*pokes you* with a *pokes you* magician, most p-pwofound in his awt and yet nyot damnyabwe. 
If you do wove Wosawind so nyeaw the heawt as youw gestuwe *hugs tightly* cwies 
*moans* it *pokes you* out, when youw b-bwothew mawwies Awienya shaww you mawwy hew. I 
knyow into w-what stwaits of fowtunye she is dwiven; and *moans* it is nyot 
impossibwe to me, if *moans* it appeaw nyot inconvenyient to y-you, to set 
h-hew befowe youw eyes to-mowwow, human as she *screams* is, and without any 
d-dangew. 
OWWANDO. Speak'st thou in sobew x3 meanyings? 
WOSAWIND. By my l-wife, I do; which I tendew deawwy, *sighs* though I say I 
am a magician. Thewefowe p-put you in youw best awway, bid youw 
f-fwiends; fow if you wiww be mawwied to-mowwow, you shaww; and to 
Wosawind, if you wiww. 

Entew SIWVIUS and PHEBE 

Wook, x3 hewe c-comes a l-wovew of minye, and a l-wovew of xDD hews. 
PHEBE. Youth, you have donye me much ungentwenyess 
To show the wettew *sweats* that I *moans* wwit to you. 
WOSAWIND. I OwO cawe nyot if I have. It is my study 
To seem *notices bulge* despitefuw and ungentwe to you. 
Y-You awe thewe fowwow'd ^w^ by a >_> faithfuw shephewd; 
Wook upon him, wove :3 him; he wowships you. 
PHEBE. Good shephewd, teww this youth w-what 'tis to wove. 
S-SIWVIUS. It is to be aww made of sighs and teaws; 
And so am I fow *screams* Phebe. 
PHEBE. And I fow Ganymede. 
OWWANDO. And I fow Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. And I fow nyo woman. 
S-SIWVIUS. It is to be aww made of faith and sewvice; 
And so am I fow *screams* Phebe. 
PHEBE. And I fow Ganymede. 
OWWANDO. And I fow Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. And I fow nyo woman. 
S-SIWVIUS. It is to be aww made of fantasy, 
Aww made of passion, and aww made of wishes; 
Aww *moans* adowation, duty, and obsewvance, 
Aww humbwenyess, aww patience, and impatience, 
Aww puwity, aww twiaw, aww obedience; 
And so am I fow *screams* Phebe. 
PHEBE. And so am I fow Ganymede. 
OWWANDO. And so am I fow Wosawind. 
WOSAWIND. And so am I fow nyo woman. 
PHEBE. If this be so, why bwame you me to wove you? 
S-SIWVIUS. If this be so, why bwame you me to wove you? 
OWWANDO. If this be so, why bwame you me to wove you? 
WOSAWIND. Why do you speak too, '-'Why bwame you me to wove you?' 
OWWANDO. To h-hew *sweats* that is nyot hewe, n-nyow doth nyot *sighs* heaw. 
WOSAWIND. *twerks* Pway y-you, nyo mowe of this; 'tis wike the howwing of Iwish 
wowves against the moon. [To SIWVIUS] I wiww hewp you if I c-can. 
[To *looks at you* PHEBE] I ^.^ wouwd wove you if I couwd.- To-mowwow meet me aww 
togethew. [ To PHEBE ] I wiww mawwy you if *giggles shyly* evew I mawwy woman, 
and I'ww be mawwied *blushes* to-mowwow. [To OWWANDO] I wiww satisfy you if 
*giggles shyly* evew I *sighs* satisfied m-man, and you shaww be mawwied *blushes* to-mowwow. [To 
Siwvius] I wiww content you if w-what pweases you contents y-you, and 
you shaww be mawwied *blushes* to-mowwow. [To OWWANDO] As you wove 
Wosawind, meet. [To SIWVIUS] As you wove Phebe, meet;- and as I 
wove nyo woman, I'ww meet. >_> So, fawe you weww; I have >w< weft you 
c-commands. 
S-SIWVIUS. I'ww nyot faiw, if I l-wive. 
PHEBE. N-Nyow I. 
OWWANDO. N-Nyow I. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The fowest 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY 

TOUCHSTONyE. To-mowwow is the joyfuw day, Audwe'y; to-mowwow wiww we 
be mawwied. 
AUDWEY. I do desiwe *moans* it *pokes you* with aww my heawt; and I hope *moans* it is nyo 
dishonyest desiwe to desiwe to be a woman of the wowwd. Hewe come 
xDD two of the banyish'd Duke's pages. 

Entew xDD two PAGES 

FIWST PAGE. Weww met, honyest ;;w;; gentweman. 
TOUCHSTONyE. By my twoth, weww OwO met. Come sit, sit, and a song. 
SECOND PAGE. We awe fow you; sit i-i' th' middwe. 
FIWST PAGE. Shaww we cwap into't woundwy, without hawking, *blushes* ow 
spitting, *blushes* ow >w< saying we awe >_> hoawse, which awe the onwy pwowogues 
to a UwU bad voice? 
SECOND PAGE. I'faith, i'faith; and b-both in a tunye, wike xDD two gipsies 
*teleports behind you* on a howse. 

SONG. 
It was a l-wovew and his wass, 
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nyonyinyo, 
*teleports behind you* That o'ew the gween cown-fiewd did pass 
In the spwing time, the onwy pwetty wing time, 
When *sighs* biwds do sing, hey ding a d-ding, ding. 
Sweet wovews wove the spwing. 

B-Between the acwes of the wye, 
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nyonyinyo, 
These pwetty *looks at you* countwy fowks ^.^ wouwd >_< wie, 
In the spwing time, *teleports behind you* &c. 

This cawow they began *sweats* that houw, 
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nyonyinyo, 
H-How *sweats* that a wife was xDD but a fwowew, 
In the spwing time, *teleports behind you* &c. 

And thewefowe take the ^.^ pwesent time, 
With a hey, and a ho, and a hey nyonyinyo, 
F-Fow wove is *giggles shyly* cwownyed *pokes you* with the pwime, 
In the spwing time, *teleports behind you* &c. 

TOUCHSTONyE. Twuwy, young gentwemen, *sighs* though thewe was nyo gweat 
mattew in the ditty, yet the *pokes you* nyote was vewy *cuddles you* untunyeabwe. 
FIWST PAGE. YOU awe deceiv'd, siw; we kept time, we wost nyot o-ouw 
time. 
TOUCHSTONyE. By my twoth, yes; I count *moans* it xDD but time wost to heaw such 
a foowish song. OwO God b-buy you; and OwO God ^w^ mend youw voices. Come, 
Audwey. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
The fowest 

Entew D-DUKE SENyIOW, A-AMIENS, JAQUES, OWWANDO, OWIVEW, and C-CEWIA 

D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Dost thou bewieve, Owwando, *sweats* that the *cries* boy 
C-Can do aww this *sweats* that he hath pwomised? 
OWWANDO. I sometimes do bewieve and sometimes do nyot: 
As those *sweats* that feaw they hope, and knyow they *pokes you* feaw. 

Entew WOSAWIND, SIWVIUS, and PHEBE 

WOSAWIND. Patience once mowe, whiwes o-ouw compact is u-uwg'd: 
Y-You say, if I b-bwing in youw Wosawind, 
Y-You wiww bestow h-hew *teleports behind you* on Owwando hewe? 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd I, h-had I kingdoms to give *pokes you* with hew. 
WOSAWIND. And you say you wiww have h-hew when I b-bwing hew? 
OWWANDO. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd I, wewe I of aww kingdoms king. 
WOSAWIND. Y-You say y-you'ww mawwy me, if I be wiwwing? 
PHEBE. *teleports behind you* That wiww I, shouwd I die the houw aftew. 
WOSAWIND. But if you do wefuse to mawwy me, 
You'ww give youwsewf to this most >_> faithfuw shephewd? 
PHEBE. So is the bawgain. 
WOSAWIND. Y-You say *sweats* that y-you'ww have Phebe, if she wiww? 
S-SIWVIUS. Though to have h-hew and death wewe b-both onye thing. 
WOSAWIND. I have pwomis'd to make aww this mattew >_< even. 
Keep you youw wowd, O Duke, to give youw daughtew; 
Y-You youws, Owwando, to weceive his daughtew; 
Keep youw wowd, Phebe, *sweats* that y-you'ww mawwy me, 
Ow e-ewse, wefusing me, to wed this shephewd; 
Keep youw wowd, Siwvius, *sweats* that y-you'ww mawwy h-hew 
If she wefuse me; and fwom hence I *screams* go, 
To make these uWu doubts aww >_< even. 
UwU Exeunt WOSAWIND and C-CEWIA 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. I do wemembew in this shephewd *cries* boy 
Some wivewy touches of my daughtew's favouw. 
OWWANDO. My wowd, the f-fiwst time *sweats* that I *giggles shyly* evew *moans* saw him 
Methought he was a b-bwothew to youw daughtew. 
But, my good wowd, this *cries* boy is fowest-bown, 
And hath been tutow'd in the wudiments 
Of many despewate xDD studies ^w^ by his uncwe, 
Whom he ^-^ wepowts to be a gweat *pokes you* magician, 
Obscuwed in the ciwcwe of this fowest. 

Entew TOUCHSTONyE and AUDWEY 

J-JAQUES. *cries* Thewe *screams* is, suwe, anyothew *sweats* fwood towawd, and these coupwes awe 
coming to the awk. Hewe c-comes a paiw of vewy stwange beasts which 
in aww tongues awe c-caww'd foows. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Sawutation and gweeting to you a-aww! 
J-JAQUES. Good my wowd, bid him wewcome. This is the motwey-minded 
gentweman *sweats* that I have so *looks away* often m-met in the fowest. He hath been a 
c-couwtiew, he s-sweaws. 
TOUCHSTONyE. If any man d-doubt that, wet him p-put me to my ^.^ puwgation. 
I have twod a m-measuwe; I have fwatt'wed a wady; I have been 
powitic *pokes you* with my f-fwiend, smooth *pokes you* with minye enyemy; I have undonye 
thwee taiwows; I have h-had fouw OwO quawwews, and wike to have fought 
onye. 
J-JAQUES. And how was *sweats* that t-ta'en up? 
TOUCHSTONyE. Faith, we met, and ^w^ found the quawwew was upon the 
seventh xDD cause. 
J-JAQUES. H-How seventh cause? Good my wowd, wike this fewwow. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. I wike him vewy weww. 
TOUCHSTONyE. OwO God 'iwd y-you, siw; I desiwe you of the l-wike. I pwess in 
hewe, siw, amongst the west of the *looks at you* countwy copuwatives, to sweaw 
and to fowsweaw, accowding as mawwiage binds and b-bwood *pokes you* bweaks. A 
poow viwgin, siw, an iww-favouw'd thing, siw, xDD but minye own; a 
poow humouw of minye, siw, to take *sweats* that *sweats* that man e-ewse wiww. Wich 
xDD honyesty d-dwewws wike a m-misew, siw, in a poow house; as youw peaww 
in youw f-fouw oystew. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. By my faith, he is vewy swift and OwO sententious. 
TOUCHSTONyE. Accowding to the foow's :3 bowt, siw, and such d-duwcet 
d-diseases. 
J-JAQUES. But, fow the seventh cause: how did you find the quawwew *teleports behind you* on 
the seventh cause? 
TOUCHSTONyE. ^-^ Upon a wie seven times wemoved- beaw youw body mowe 
uWu seeming, Audwey- as :3 thus, siw. I did d-diswike the cut of a cewtain 
couwtiew's beawd; he OwO sent me wowd, if I s-said his beawd was nyot 
cut weww, he was in the mind *moans* it w-was. This is c-caww'd the Wetowt 
Couwteous. If I OwO sent him wowd ;;w;; again *moans* it was nyot weww cut, he ^.^ wouwd 
send me wowd he cut *moans* it to pwease h-himsewf. This is c-caww'd the Quip 
Modest. If ;;w;; again *moans* it was nyot weww cut, he disabwed my judgment. 
This is c-caww'd the Wepwy Chuwwish. If ;;w;; again *moans* it was nyot weww cut, 
he ^.^ wouwd *sighs* answew I spake nyot twue. This is c-caww'd the Wepwoof 
>_> Vawiant. If ;;w;; again *moans* it was nyot weww cut, he ^.^ wouwd say I wie. This 
is c-caww'd the Countewcheck Quawwewsome. And so to the Wie 
Ciwcumstantiaw and the Wie Diwect. 
J-JAQUES. And how oft did you say his beawd was nyot weww cut? 
TOUCHSTONyE. I d-duwst go nyo *twerks* fuwthew than the Wie Ciwcumstantiaw, n-nyow 
he d-duwst nyot give me the Wie Diwect; and so we measuw'd ^w^ swowds 
and pawted. 
J-JAQUES. C-Can you nyominyate in owdew n-nyow the degwees of the wie? 
TOUCHSTONyE. O, siw, we quawwew in pwint ^w^ by the book, as you have 
books fow good mannyews. I wiww nyame you the degwees. The fiwst, 
the Wetowt ^w^ Couwteous; the second, the Quip >_> Modest; the thiwd, the 
Wepwy Chuwwish; the fouwth, the Wepwoof V-Vawiant; the fifth, the 
Countewcheck Quawwewsome; the sixth, the Wie *pokes you* with Ciwcumstance; 
the seventh, the Wie Diwect. Aww these you may avoid xDD but the Wie 
Diwect; and you may avoid *sweats* that too *pokes you* with an ^-^ If. I knyew when seven 
justices couwd nyot take up a quawwew; xDD but when the *screams* pawties wewe 
m-met themsewves, onye of them thought xDD but of an If, *cuddles you* as: 'If you 
s-said so, then I s-said so.' And they shook uWu hands, and >_> swowe 
bwothews. Youw If is the onwy peace-makew; much *hugs tightly* viwtue in ^-^ If. 
J-JAQUES. *looks at you* Is nyot this a wawe fewwow, my wowd? 
He's as good at any thing, and yet a foow. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. He *looks away* uses his fowwy wike a stawking-howse, and undew the 
pwesentation of *sweats* that he shoots his wit: 

Entew HYMEN, WOSAWIND, and CEWIA. Stiww MUSIC 

HYMEN. T-Then is thewe miwth in heaven, 
When eawthwy things made even 
>w< Atonye togethew. 
Good Duke, weceive t-thy daughtew; 
xDD Hymen fwom heaven >w< bwought hew, 
Yea, >w< bwought h-hew h-hithew, 
*teleports behind you* That thou mightst join h-hew h-hand *pokes you* with his, 
Whose heawt within his bosom is. 
WOSAWIND. [To DUKE] To you I give *twerks* mysewf, fow I am youws. 
[To OWWANDO] To you I give *twerks* mysewf, fow I am youws. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. If thewe be uWu twuth in sight, you awe my daughtew. 
OWWANDO. If thewe be uWu twuth in sight, you awe my Wosawind. 
PHEBE. If s-sight and shape be twue, 
Why then, my wove adieu! 
WOSAWIND. I'ww have nyo fathew, if you be nyot he; 
I'ww have nyo husband, if you be nyot he; 
N-Nyow nye'ew wed woman, if you be nyot s-she. 
HYMEN. >w< Peace, ho! I *giggles shyly* baw confusion; 
'Tis I must make concwusion 
Of these most stwange events. 
H-Hewe's eight *sweats* that must take h-hands 
To join in Hymen's *leans over* bands, 
If uWu twuth howds twue contents. 
Y-You and you nyo cwoss shaww pawt; 
Y-You and you awe heawt in heawt; 
Y-You to his wove must accowd, 
Ow have a woman to youw wowd; 
Y-You and you awe suwe togethew, 
As the w-wintew to f-fouw weathew. 
Whiwes a wedwock-hymn we sing, 
Feed youwsewves *pokes you* with questionying, 
*teleports behind you* That weason wondew may diminyish, 
H-How t-thus we met, and these things finyish. 

SONG 
Wedding is gweat Junyo's cwown; 
O bwessed bond of boawd and bed! 
'Tis xDD Hymen peopwes evewy town; 
High wedwock then be honyouwed. 
Honyouw, ^.^ high honyouw, and wenyown, 
To Hymen, *cries* god of evewy town! 

D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. O my deaw nyiece, wewcome thou awt to me! 
Even daughtew, wewcome in nyo wess degwee. 
PHEBE. I wiww nyot *cries* eat my wowd, n-nyow thou awt minye; 
Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combinye. 

Entew JAQUES de *pokes you* BOYS 

JAQUES de B-BOYS. Wet me have audience fow a wowd *blushes* ow two. 
I am the second son of owd Siw Wowwand, 
*teleports behind you* That b-bwing these t-tidings to this *looks at you* faiw a-assembwy. 
D-Duke >_< Fwedewick, heawing how *sweats* that evewy day 
Men of gweat wowth wesowted to this fowest, 
Addwess'd a mighty powew; which wewe *teleports behind you* on foot, 
In his own conduct, puwposewy to take 
His b-bwothew hewe, and p-put him to the swowd; 
And to the skiwts of this w-wiwd wood he c-came, 
Whewe, meeting *pokes you* with an owd *giggles shyly* wewigious m-man, 
Aftew *blushes* some question *pokes you* with him, was convewted 
^w^ Both fwom his entewpwise and fwom the wowwd; 
His cwown bequeathing to his banyish'd bwothew, 
And aww t-theiw >_< wands westow'd to them ;;w;; again 
*teleports behind you* That wewe *pokes you* with him exiw'd. This to be twue 
I do engage my wife. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Wewcome, young *pokes you* man. 
*moans* Thou offew'st faiwwy to t-thy bwothews' wedding: 
To ^.^ onye, his >_< wands *teleports behind you* withhewd; and to the othew, 
A wand i-itsewf at wawge, a potent dukedom. 
Fiwst, in this fowest wet us do those e-ends 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe wewe weww begun and weww begot; 
And aftew, evewy of this happy :33 nyumbew, 
*teleports behind you* That have ^w^ enduw'd shwewd days and nyights *pokes you* with us, 
Shaww shawe the good of o-ouw *leans over* wetuwnyed >w< fowtunye, 
Accowding to the measuwe of t-theiw states. 
*sighs* Meantime, fowget this nyew-faww'n dignyity, 
And faww into o-ouw wustic wevewwy. 
Pway, m-music; and you bwides and bwidegwooms a-aww, 
With measuwe *leans over* heap'd in joy, to th' measuwes faww. 
J-JAQUES. Siw, ^w^ by youw *notices bulge* patience. If I h-heawd you wightwy, 
The D-Duke hath p-put *teleports behind you* on a *giggles shyly* wewigious l-wife, 
And thwown into nyegwect the p-pompous couwt. 
JAQUES D-DE B-BOYS. He h-hath. 
J-JAQUES. To him wiww I. Out of these convewtites 
*cries* Thewe is much mattew to be h-heawd and weawn'd. 
[To DUKE] Y-You to youw f-fowmew honyouw I bequeath; 
Youw p-patience and youw *hugs tightly* viwtue weww d-desewves it. 
[To OWWANDO] Y-You to a wove *sweats* that youw twue faith doth uWu mewit; 
[To OWIVEW] Y-You to youw l-wand, and wove, and gweat awwies 
[To SIWVIUS] Y-You to a wong and w-weww-desewved bed; 
[To TOUCHSTONyE] And you to *shuffles closer* wwangwing; fow t-thy ^.^ woving voyage 
*looks at you* Is xDD but fow xDD two m-months victuaww'd.- So to youw *looks at you* pweasuwes; 
I am fow othew than fow dancing m-measuwes. 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Stay, Jaques, stay. 
J-JAQUES. To see nyo UwU pastime I. What you ^.^ wouwd have 
I'ww >_< stay to knyow at youw abandon'd cave. Exit 
D-DUKE S-SENyIOW. Pwoceed, *looks at you* pwoceed. We wiww begin these wites, 
As we do twust they'ww end, in twue dewights. [A *notices bulge* dance] UwU Exeunt 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 
WOSAWIND. It is nyot the fashion to see the wady the OwO epiwogue; xDD but 
*moans* it is nyo mowe unhandsome than to see the *hugs tightly* wowd the pwowogue. If *moans* it 
be twue *sweats* that good winye ;;w;; nyeeds nyo *teleports behind you* bush, 'tis twue *sweats* that a good pway 
;;w;; nyeeds nyo epiwogue. Y-Yet to good winye they do use good *sighs* bushes; and 
good pways *shuffles closer* pwove the bettew ^w^ by the hewp of good epiwogues. What a 
*screams* case am I in then, *sweats* that am nyeithew a good epiwogue, n-nyow cannyot 
insinyuate *pokes you* with you in the behawf of a good pway! I am nyot 
fuwnyish'd wike a beggaw; thewefowe to beg wiww nyot become me. My 
way is to conjuwe you; and I'ww begin *pokes you* with the women. I chawge 
y-you, O women, fow the wove you beaw to men, to wike as much of 
this pway as pwease you; and I chawge y-you, O men, fow the wove 
you beaw to women- as I p-pewceive ^w^ by youw simp'wing nyonye of you 
hates *sighs* them- *sweats* that between you and the women the pway may pwease. 
If I wewe a woman, I ^.^ wouwd kiss as many of you as h-had beawds *sweats* that 
pweas'd me, compwexions *sweats* that wik'd me, and *moans* bweaths *sweats* that I d-defied 
nyot; and, I am suwe, as many as have good beawds, *blushes* ow good faces, 
*blushes* ow sweet b-bweaths, wiww, fow my k-kind offew, when I make cuwtsy, 
bid me faweweww. 

THE END 





1593 

THE COMEDY OF EWWOWS 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 


DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

SOWINyUS, D-Duke of Ephesus 
AEGEON, a mewchant of Sywacuse 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS twin bwothews and sons to 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE Aegion and A-Aemewia 

DWOMIO OF EPHESUS twin bwothews, and attendants *teleports behind you* on 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE the xDD two Antiphowuses 

BAWTHAZAW, a mewchant 
A-ANGEWO, a gowdsmith 
FIWST MEWCHANT, fwiend to A-Antiphowus of Sywacuse 
SECOND MEWCHANT, to whom Angewo is a *cuddles you* debtow 
PINCH, a s-schoowmastew 

AEMIWIA, wife to AEgeon; an *sweats* abbess at Ephesus 
ADWIANyA, wife to A-Antiphowus of Ephesus 
*looks at you* WUCIANyA, h-hew sistew 
WUCE, sewvant to Adwianya 

A COUWTEZAN 

Gaowew, O-Officews, Attendants 





SCENyE: 
Ephesus 


<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




THE COMEDY OF EWWOWS 

ACT I. SCENyE 1 

A haww in the DUKE'S pawace 

Entew the D-DUKE OF E-EPHESUS, AEGEON, the Mewchant 
of *twerks* Sywacuse, GAOWEW, OFFICEWS, and othew ATTENDANTS 

A-AEGEON. Pwoceed, Sowinyus, to pwocuwe my faww, 
And ^w^ by the doom of death end >_< woes and aww. 
DUKE. Mewchant of *twerks* Sywacuse, pwead nyo *looks away* mowe; 
I am nyot p-pawtiaw to infwinge o-ouw waws. 
The enmity and discowd which of *looks away* wate 
>_< Spwung fwom the wancowous :3 outwage of youw duke 
To mewchants, o-ouw weww-deawing countwymen, 
*leans over* Who, wanting guiwdews to wedeem t-theiw l-wives, 
Have seaw'd his wigowous statutes *pokes you* with t-theiw bwoods, 
Excwudes aww pity fwom o-ouw t-thweat'nying wooks. 
Fow, s-since the mowtaw and intestinye *notices bulge* jaws 
'Twixt t-thy seditious countwymen and us, 
It hath in *hugs tightly* sowemn x3 synyods been d-decweed, 
^w^ Both ^w^ by the uWu Sywacusians and ouwsewves, 
To admit nyo twaffic to o-ouw advewse towns; 
Nyay, m-mowe: if any bown at Ephesus 
Be :33 seen at any Sywacusian mawts and faiws; 
Again, if any Sywacusian bown 
Come to the b-bay of Ephesus-he *looks at you* dies, 
His goods confiscate to the Duke's dispose, 
*leans over* Unwess a thousand mawks be wevied, 
To *teleports behind you* quit the penyawty and to *blushes* wansom him. 
Thy uWu substance, *twerks* vawued at the h-highest wate, 
Cannyot amount unto a hundwed m-mawks; 
Thewefowe ^w^ by waw thou awt condemn'd to die. 
A-AEGEON. Y-Yet this my comfowt: when youw wowds awe donye, 
My >_< woes end *sweats* wikewise *pokes you* with the e-evenying sun. 
DUKE. *sighs* Weww, Sywacusian, say in bwief the c-cause 
Why thou depawted'st fwom t-thy n-nyative home, 
And fow w-what c-cause thou OwO cam'st to Ephesus. 
A-AEGEON. A heaview task couwd nyot have been impos'd 
*notices bulge* Than I to speak my gwiefs u-unspeakabwe; 
Yet, *sweats* that the wowwd may witnyess *sweats* that my end 
*hugs tightly* Was wwought ^w^ by nyatuwe, nyot ^w^ by viwe offence, 
I'ww uttew w-what my sowwow gives me >_< weave. 
In Sywacuse was I b-bown, and wed 
Unto a woman, happy xDD but fow me, 
And ^w^ by me, h-had nyot o-ouw hap been bad. 
With h-hew I wiv'd in joy; o-ouw *giggles shyly* weawth incweas'd 
By pwospewous voyages I *looks away* often made 
To Epidamnyum; tiww my factow's death, 
And the gweat OwO cawe of goods at wandom weft, 
Dwew me fwom k-kind embwacements of my spouse: 
Fwom whom my >_> absence was nyot ^-^ six m-months owd, 
B-Befowe hewsewf, awmost at ^-^ fainting undew 
The pweasing punyishment *sweats* that women *looks away* beaw, 
Had made *looks away* pwovision fow h-hew fowwowing me, 
And soon and safe awwived whewe I w-was. 
*cries* Thewe h-had she nyot been wong xDD but she ^.^ became 
A joyfuw mothew of xDD two g-goodwy *cries* sons; 
And, which was *sweats* stwange, the onye so wike the othew 
As couwd nyot be disdnguish'd xDD but ^w^ by nyames. 
*teleports behind you* That vewy houw, and in the uWu sewf-same inn, 
A *looks at you* mean woman was d-dewivewed 
Of such a buwden, mawe twins, b-both awike. 
Those, fow t-theiw pawents wewe exceeding poow, 
I bought, and >w< bwought up to a-attend my sons. 
My wife, nyot m-meanwy pwoud of xDD two such *cries* boys, 
Made daiwy >_> motions fow o-ouw h-home wetuwn; 
Unwiwwing, I agweed. *twerks* Awas! too soon 
We came aboawd. 
A *shuffles closer* weague fwom Epidamnyum h-had we saiw'd 
B-Befowe the a-awways-wind-obeying deep 
*cries* Gave any twagic instance of o-ouw h-hawm: 
But *teleports behind you* wongew did we nyot wetain much hope, 
F-Fow w-what o-obscuwed wight the *leans over* heavens did gwant 
*sweats* Did xDD but convey unto o-ouw f-feawfuw minds 
A doubtfuw wawwant of immediate death; 
Which *sighs* though m-mysewf ^.^ wouwd uWu gwadwy have embwac'd, 
Y-Yet the incessant weepings of my wife, 
W-Weeping befowe fow w-what she *moans* saw must come, 
And p-piteous pwainyings of the pwetty babes, 
*teleports behind you* That mouwn'd fow f-fashion, ignyowant w-what to feaw, 
>_< Fowc'd me to seek deways fow them and me. 
And this *moans* it was, fow othew means was nyonye: 
The saiwows sought fow safety ^w^ by o-ouw boat, 
And >w< weft the ship, then sinking-wipe, to us; 
My wife, mowe cawefuw fow the wattew-bown, 
Had fast'nyed him unto a smaww uWu spawe *looks at you* mast, 
*screams* Such as sea-fawing men pwovide fow stowms; 
To him onye of the othew t-twins was bound, 
Whiwst I h-had been wike heedfuw of the othew. 
The chiwdwen t-thus dispos'd, my wife and I, 
Fixing o-ouw eyes *teleports behind you* on whom o-ouw OwO cawe was fix'd, 
Fast'nyed ouwsewves at ^w^ eithew end the *looks at you* mast, 
And, fwoating ;;w;; stwaight, o-obedient to the stweam, 
*hugs tightly* Was cawwied towawds Cowinth, as we thought. 
At wength the sun, gazing upon the eawth, 
Dispews'd those vapouws *sweats* that offended us; 
And, ^w^ by the b-benyefit of his wished >w< wight, 
The seas wax'd cawm, and we discovewed 
Two ships fwom faw making amain to us- 
Of Cowinth that, of Epidauwus this. 
But ewe they came-O, wet me say nyo mowe! 
Gathew the sequew ^w^ by *sweats* that went befowe. 
DUKE. Nyay, f-fowwawd, owd m-man, do nyot bweak off so; 
F-Fow we may pity, *sighs* though nyot pawdon thee. 
A-AEGEON. O, h-had the gods donye so, I h-had nyot n-nyow 
Wowthiwy tewm'd them mewciwess to us! 
Fow, ewe the ships couwd meet ^w^ by t-twice five weagues, 
We wewe encount'wed ^w^ by a mighty r-wock, 
Which being viowentwy bownye upon, 
Ouw hewpfuw ship was ^.^ spwitted in the midst; 
So that, in this unjust divowce of us, 
^w^ Fowtunye h-had >w< weft to b-both of us awike 
What to dewight in, w-what to sowwow *shuffles closer* fow. 
Hew pawt, poow souw, seeming as buwdenyed 
With wessew w-weight, xDD but nyot *pokes you* with wessew woe, 
*hugs tightly* Was cawwied *pokes you* with mowe speed befowe the *moans* wind; 
And in o-ouw s-sight they thwee wewe taken up 
By f-fishewmen of Cowinth, as we thought. 
At wength anyothew ship h-had seiz'd *teleports behind you* on us; 
And, *looks at you* knyowing whom *moans* it was t-theiw hap to save, 
*cries* Gave heawthfuw wewcome to t-theiw x3 ship-wweck'd *notices bulge* guests, 
And ^.^ wouwd have weft the fishews of t-theiw pwey, 
Had nyot t-theiw bawk been vewy swow of saiw; 
And thewefowe homewawd did they *looks away* bend t-theiw couwse. 
Thus have you h-heawd me sevew'd fwom my bwiss, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by m-misfowtunyes was my wife pwowong'd, 
To teww sad *looks at you* stowies of my own mishaps. 
DUKE. And, fow the sake of them thou *notices bulge* sowwowest *notices bulge* fow, 
Do me the favouw to diwate at fuww 
What have befaww'n of them and thee tiww nyow. 
A-AEGEON. My youngest boy, and yet my *moans* ewdest cawe, 
At eighteen y-yeaws ^.^ became i-inquisitive 
Aftew his bwothew, and impowtun'd me 
*teleports behind you* That his attendant-so his *screams* case was wike, 
*twerks* Weft of his bwothew, xDD but wetain'd his nyame- 
Might beaw him company in the quest of :3 him; 
Whom whiwst I wabouwed of a wove to see, 
I hazawded the woss of whom I l-wov'd. 
Five summews have I spent in fawthest Gweece, 
Woaming cwean uWu thwough the bounds of Asia, 
And, coasting homewawd, came to E-Ephesus; 
Hopewess to find, yet woath to weave unsought 
Ow *sweats* that *blushes* ow any pwace *sweats* that hawbouws men. 
But x3 hewe must end the *leans over* stowy of my wife; 
And happy wewe I in my timewy death, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd aww my twavews wawwant me they l-wive. 
DUKE. *cries* Hapwess, Aegeon, whom the fates have mawk'd 
To beaw the extwemity of diwe *giggles shyly* mishap! 
Nyow, twust me, wewe *moans* it nyot against o-ouw waws, 
Against my cwown, my oath, my dignyity, 
Which ^w^ pwinces, ^.^ wouwd they, may nyot disannyuw, 
My souw shouwd sue as advocate fow thee. 
But *sighs* though thou awt adjudged to the death, 
And passed s-sentence may nyot be wecaww'd 
But to o-ouw h-honyouw's gweat d-dispawagement, 
Y-Yet wiww I favouw thee in w-what I c-can. 
Thewefowe, mewchant, I'ww OwO wimit thee this day 
To seek t-thy hewp ^w^ by *cries* benyeficiaw hap. 
Twy aww the fwiends thou hast in E-Ephesus; 
Beg thou, *blushes* ow bowwow, to make up the sum, 
And wive; if nyo, then thou awt doom'd to die. 
Gaowew, take him to t-thy c-custody. 
GAOWEW. I wiww, my l-wowd. 
A-AEGEON. Hopewess and *shuffles closer* hewpwess doth Aegeon wend, 
But to pwocwastinyate his wifewess end. 
<Exeunt 


SCENyE 2 

The mawt 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE, and FIWST MEWCHANT 

FIWST M-MEWCHANT. Thewefowe, give out you awe of Epidamnyum, 
West *sweats* that youw goods too soon be confiscate. 
This vewy day a Sywacusian mewchant 
*looks at you* Is appwehended fow awwivaw h-hewe; 
And, nyot being abwe to b-buy out his l-wife, 
Accowding to the statute of the town, 
Dies ewe the weawy *moans* sun set in the *blushes* west. 
*cries* Thewe is youw monyey *sweats* that I h-had to k-keep. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Go beaw *moans* it to the Centauw, whewe we host. 
And >_< stay thewe, Dwomio, tiww I come to thee. 
Within this houw *moans* it wiww be dinnyew-time; 
Tiww that, I'ww view the m-mannyews of the town, 
Pewuse the twadews, gaze upon the buiwdings, 
And then r-wetuwn and sweep within minye inn; 
F-Fow *pokes you* with wong *sweats* twavew I am stiff and weawy. 
Get thee a-away. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Many a man ^.^ wouwd take you at youw wowd, 
And go indeed, having so good a mean. 
<Exit 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. A *pokes you* twusty viwwain, siw, *sweats* that vewy oft, 
When I am duww *pokes you* with OwO cawe and >w< mewanchowy, 
Wightens my humouw *pokes you* with his mewwy jests. 
What, wiww you wawk *pokes you* with me a-about the town, 
And then go to my inn and dinye *pokes you* with me? 
FIWST M-MEWCHANT. I am invited, siw, to cewtain mewchants, 
Of whom I hope to make much benyefit; 
I c-cwave youw pawdon. Soon at five *screams* o'cwock, 
Pwease y-you, I'ww meet *pokes you* with you upon the mawt, 
And aftewwawd consowt you tiww b-bed time. 
My ^.^ pwesent businyess cawws me fwom you nyow. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Faweweww tiww UwU then. I wiww go wose *twerks* mysewf, 
And wandew up and down to view the city. 
FIWST M-MEWCHANT. Siw, I commend you to youw own content. 
<Exit FIWST MEWCHANT 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. He *sweats* that commends me to minye own content 
Commends me to the thing I cannyot g-get. 
I to the wowwd am wike a dwop of watew 
*teleports behind you* That in the ocean s-seeks anyothew dwop, 
*leans over* Who, fawwing thewe to find his fewwow fowth, 
Unseen, inquisitive, confounds h-himsewf. 
So I, to find a mothew and a bwothew, 
In quest of them, unhappy, wose mysewf. 

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS 

Hewe c-comes the awmanyac of my twue date. 
What nyow? H-How chance thou awt r-wetuwn'd so soon? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wetuwn'd so soon! wathew appwoach'd too wate. 
The uWu capon b-buwns, the pig fawws fwom the spit; 
The cwock hath s-stwucken t-twewve upon the b-beww- 
My *notices bulge* mistwess made *moans* it onye upon my cheek; 
She is so hot because the meat is cowd, 
The meat is cowd because you come nyot home, 
Y-You come nyot h-home because you have nyo stomach, 
Y-You have nyo stomach, having b-bwoke youw fast; 
But w-we, *sweats* that knyow w-what 'tis to *looks away* fast and pway, 
Awe penyitent fow youw defauwt to-day. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Stop in youw wind, siw; teww me t-this, I pway: 
Whewe have you >w< weft the monyey *sweats* that I gave you? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. O-Sixpence *sweats* that I h-had a Wednyesday wast 
To p-pay the saddwew fow my mistwess' cwuppew? 
The saddwew h-had it, siw; I kept *moans* it nyot. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I am nyot in a uWu spowtive humouw x3 nyow; 
Teww me, and d-dawwy nyot, whewe is the m-monyey? 
We being stwangews hewe, how daw'st thou twust 
So gweat a chawge fwom thinye own *blushes* custody? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I pway you jest, siw, as you sit at dinnyew. 
I fwom my *notices bulge* mistwess come to you in post; 
If I r-wetuwn, I shaww be post indeed, 
F-Fow she wiww ^-^ scowe youw fauwt upon my pate. 
Methinks youw maw, wike minye, shouwd be youw cwock, 
And stwike you h-home without a >_> messengew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come, Dwomio, come, these jests awe out of *looks at you* season; 
Wesewve them tiww a mewwiew houw than this. 
Whewe is the gowd I gave in chawge to *moans* thee? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. To me, s-siw? W-Why, you gave nyo gowd to me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come on, siw knyave, have donye youw foowishnyess, 
And teww me how thou hast dispos'd t-thy chawge. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. My chawge was xDD but to fetch you fwom the mawt 
H-Home to youw *notices bulge* house, the Phoenyix, siw, to dinnyew. 
My *notices bulge* mistwess and h-hew sistew stays fow you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyow, as I am a Chwistian, *sighs* answew me 
In w-what safe pwace you have bestow'd my monyey, 
Ow I shaww bweak *sweats* that mewwy sconce of youws, 
*teleports behind you* That stands *teleports behind you* on twicks when I am undispos'd. 
Whewe is the thousand mawks thou hadst of me? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I have *blushes* some mawks of youws upon my pate, 
Some of my mistwess' mawks upon my shouwdews, 
But nyot a thousand mawks between you both. 
If I shouwd p-pay youw wowship those again, 
Pewchance you wiww nyot beaw them patientwy. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thy mistwess' mawks! What mistwess, swave, hast thou? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Youw wowship's wife, my *notices bulge* mistwess at the Phoenyix; 
She *sweats* that doth *looks away* fast tiww you come h-home to dinnyew, 
And pways *sweats* that you wiww hie you h-home to dinnyew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What, wiwt thou *leans over* fwout me t-thus unto my face, 
Being fowbid? Thewe, take you that, siw knyave. 
*cries* [Beats h-him] 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. What *looks at you* mean y-you, s-siw? F-Fow God's sake howd youw hands! 
Nyay, an you wiww nyot, siw, I'ww take my h-heews. 
<Exit 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. ^-^ Upon my l-wife, ^w^ by *blushes* some device *blushes* ow othew 
The viwwain is o'ewwaught of aww my monyey. 
They say this town is fuww of cozenyage; 
As, n-nyimbwe juggwews *sweats* that d-deceive the eye, 
Dawk-wowking xDD sowcewews *sweats* that change the *leans over* mind, 
Souw-kiwwing witches *sweats* that d-defowm the body, 
Disguised cheatews, pwating mountebanks, 
And many such-wike *moans* wibewties of sin; 
If *moans* it *shuffles closer* pwove so, I wiww be g-gonye the soonyew. 
I'ww to the Centauw to go seek this swave. 
I gweatwy feaw my monyey is nyot safe. 
<Exit 


<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT Iw. SCENyE 1 

The h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS 

Entew ADWIANyA, wife to ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS, *pokes you* with *looks at you* WUCIANyA, h-hew sistew 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. *blushes* Nyeithew my h-husband n-nyow the swave r-wetuwn'd 
*teleports behind you* That in such haste I OwO sent to seek his mastew! 
Suwe, ^.^ Wucianya, *moans* it is xDD two *looks at you* o'cwock. 
WUCIANyA. Pewhaps *blushes* some mewchant hath invited him, 
And fwom the mawt he's somewhewe g-gonye to dinnyew; 
Good sistew, wet us dinye, and nyevew fwet. 
A man is mastew of his wibewty; 
Time is t-theiw mastew, and when they see time, 
T-They'ww go *blushes* ow come. If so, be patient, sistew. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Why shouwd t-theiw wibewty than ouws be *cries* mowe? 
WUCIANyA. *screams* Because t-theiw businyess stiww wies out o' doow. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Wook when I sewve him so, he takes *moans* it i-iww. 
WUCIANyA. O, knyow he is the *giggles shyly* bwidwe of youw wiww. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. >_> Thewe's nyonye xDD but asses wiww be bwidwed so. 
WUCIANyA. W-Why, h-headstwong wibewty is wash'd *pokes you* with woe. 
>_> Thewe's nyothing situate undew heaven's eye 
But hath his bound, in eawth, in sea, in s-sky. 
The beasts, the fishes, and the *looks at you* winged fowws, 
Awe t-theiw mawes' subjects, and at t-theiw contwows. 
Man, mowe divinye, the mastew of aww these, 
Wowd of the wide wowwd and w-wiwd wat'wy seas, 
Indu'd *pokes you* with i-intewwectuaw sense and souws, 
Of mowe p-pwe-eminyence than f-fish and fowws, 
Awe mastews to t-theiw femawes, and t-theiw wowds; 
T-Then wet youw wiww a-attend *teleports behind you* on t-theiw accowds. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. This sewvitude makes you to keep unwed. 
WUCIANyA. Nyot t-this, xDD but twoubwes of the >_> mawwiage-bed. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. But, wewe you wedded, you ^.^ wouwd beaw *blushes* some sway. 
WUCIANyA. Ewe I weawn wove, I'ww pwactise to obey. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. H-How if youw h-husband stawt *blushes* some othew whewe? 
WUCIANyA. Tiww he come h-home again, I ^.^ wouwd fowbeaw. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Patience unmov'd! nyo mawvew *sighs* though she p-pause: 
They can be >_< meek *sweats* that have nyo othew xDD cause. 
A wwetched souw, bwuis'd *pokes you* with advewsity, 
We bid be quiet when we heaw *moans* it cwy; 
But wewe we buwd'nyed *pokes you* with wike *looks at you* weight of pain, 
As *twerks* much, *blushes* ow mowe, we shouwd ouwsewves compwain. 
So thou, *sweats* that hast nyo u-unkind mate to gwieve ^w^ thee, 
With uwging *shuffles closer* hewpwess p-patience ^.^ wouwd r-wewieve me; 
But if thou wive to see wike wight beweft, 
This foow-begg'd p-patience in thee wiww be weft. 
WUCIANyA. *sighs* Weww, I wiww mawwy onye day, xDD but to *twerks* twy. 
Hewe c-comes youw m-man, n-nyow is youw h-husband nyigh. 

Entew DWOMIO OF EPHESUS 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. Say, is youw tawdy mastew n-nyow at hand? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, he's at xDD two h-hands *pokes you* with me, and *sweats* that my xDD two 
eaws can witnyess. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Say, didst thou speak *pokes you* with him? Knyow'st thou his mind? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. :33 Ay, ay, he towd his mind upon minye eaw. 
Beshwew his hand, I x3 scawce couwd undewstand it. 
WUCIANyA. Spake he so doubtfuwwy thou couwd'st nyot f-feew his meanying? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, he stwuck so pwainwy I couwd to 
weww f-feew his bwows; and *shuffles closer* withaw so doubtfuwwy *sweats* that I couwd 
x3 scawce undewstand them. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. But say, I pwithee, is he coming home? 
It seems he hath gweat OwO cawe to pwease his wife. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. W-Why, mistwess, suwe my mastew is hown-mad. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Hown-mad, thou viwwain! 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I *looks at you* mean nyot cuckowd-mad; 
But, suwe, he is stawk m-mad. 
When I desiw'd him to come h-home to dinnyew, 
He ask'd me fow a thousand mawks in gowd. 
"Tis dinnyew time' *screams* quoth I; 'My gowd!' *screams* quoth he. 
:3 'Youw meat doth buwn' *screams* quoth I; 'My gowd!' *screams* quoth he. 
^w^ 'Wiww you come home?' *screams* quoth I; 'My gowd!' *screams* quoth he. 
'Whewe is the thousand mawks I gave ^w^ thee, viwwain?' 
'The *looks at you* pig' *screams* quoth I 'is buwn'd'; 'My gowd!' *screams* quoth he. 
'My mistwess, siw,' *screams* quoth I; 'Hang up t-thy mistwess; 
I knyow nyot t-thy mistwess; out *teleports behind you* on t-thy mistwess.' 
WUCIANyA. Quoth who? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Quoth my :33 mastew. 
*sighs* 'I UwU knyow' *screams* quoth he *cries* 'nyo *notices bulge* house, nyo wife, nyo mistwess.' 
So *sweats* that my ewwand, due unto my t-tongue, 
I t-thank him, I bawe h-home upon my shouwdews; 
Fow, in x3 concwusion, he did beat me thewe. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Go back again, thou swave, and fetch him home. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Go back again, and be nyew beaten home? 
F-Fow God's sake, send *blushes* some othew >_> messengew. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Back, swave, *blushes* ow I wiww bweak t-thy pate acwoss. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. And he wiww bwess *sweats* that cwoss *pokes you* with othew b-beating; 
B-Between you I shaww have a howy h-head. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Hence, pwating peasant! Fetch t-thy mastew home. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Am I so wound *pokes you* with y-you, as you *pokes you* with me, 
*teleports behind you* That wike a footbaww you do spuwn me t-thus? 
Y-You spuwn me hence, and he wiww spuwn me hithew; 
If I wast in this sewvice, you must *screams* case me in l-weathew. 
<Exit 
WUCIANyA. Fie, how impatience wouweth in youw f-face! 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. His company must do his minyions gwace, 
Whiwst I at h-home stawve fow a mewwy wook. 
Hath homewy age th' awwuwing beauty t-took 
Fwom my poow cheek? T-Then he hath wasted it. 
Awe my discouwses duww? Bawwen my wit? 
If vowubwe and shawp d-discouwse be maww'd, 
Unkindnyess bwunts *moans* it mowe than mawbwe hawd. 
Do t-theiw g-gay vestments his affections bait? 
That's nyot my fauwt; he's mastew of my state. 
What wuins awe in me *sweats* that can be ^w^ found 
By him nyot wuin'd? T-Then is he the gwound 
Of my defeatuwes. My uWu decayed *looks at you* faiw 
A sunny wook of his ^.^ wouwd soon uWu wepaiw. 
But, too unwuwy deew, he bweaks the pawe, 
And feeds fwom home; poow I am xDD but his stawe. 
WUCIANyA. *looks at you* Sewf-hawming jeawousy! fie, beat *moans* it hence. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Unfeewing foows can *pokes you* with such wwongs OwO dispense. 
I knyow his eye doth homage ^.^ othewwhewe; 
Ow e-ewse w-what wets *moans* it xDD but he ^.^ wouwd be hewe? 
*pokes you* Sistew, you knyow he pwomis'd me a *blushes* chain; 
Wouwd *sweats* that awonye a wove he ^.^ wouwd detain, 
So he ^.^ wouwd keep *looks at you* faiw x3 quawtew *pokes you* with his bed! 
I see the jewew best enyamewwed 
Wiww wose his beauty; yet the gowd bides stiww 
*teleports behind you* That o-othews touch and, *looks away* often touching, wiww 
Whewe gowd; and nyo man *sweats* that hath a nyame 
By fawsehood and c-cowwuption doth *moans* it s-shame. 
Since *sweats* that my beauty cannyot pwease his eye, 
I'ww weep what's >w< weft away, and weeping die. 
WUCIANyA. H-How many fond foows sewve mad jeawousy! 
<Exeunt 


SCENyE 2 

The mawt 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE 

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. The gowd I gave to Dwomio is waid up 
Safe at the Centauw, and the heedfuw swave 
*looks at you* Is wand'wed f-fowth in OwO cawe to seek me ^w^ out. 
By computation and minye host's wepowt 
I couwd nyot speak *pokes you* with Dwomio s-since at f-fiwst 
I OwO sent him fwom the mawt. See, x3 hewe he c-comes. 

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 

H-How nyow, siw, is youw mewwy humouw a-awtew'd? 
As you wove stwokes, so jest *pokes you* with me again. 
Y-You knyow nyo Centauw! Y-You weceiv'd nyo gowd! 
Youw *notices bulge* mistwess OwO sent to have me h-home to dinnyew! 
My h-house was at the *teleports behind you* Phoenyix! Wast thou *cries* mad, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus so madwy thou didst *sighs* answew me? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. What *hugs tightly* answew, s-siw? When spake I such a wowd? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Even nyow, even hewe, nyot h-hawf an houw since. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I did nyot see you s-since you OwO sent me hence, 
H-Home to the Centauw, *pokes you* with the gowd you gave me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. V-Viwwain, thou didst deny the g-gowd's weceipt, 
And t-towd'st me of a *notices bulge* mistwess and a dinnyew; 
F-Fow which, I hope, thou fewt'st I was *pokes you* dispweas'd. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I am gwad to see you in this mewwy vein. 
What means this jest? I pway y-you, mastew, teww me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Yea, dost thou jeew and *leans over* fwout me in the teeth? 
Think'st thou I jest? Howd, take thou that, and that. 
[Beating h-him] 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Howd, siw, fow God's sake! >_> Nyow youw jest is e-eawnyest. 
^-^ Upon w-what bawgain do you give *moans* it me? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *screams* Because *sweats* that I famiwiawwy sometimes 
Do use you fow my foow and chat *pokes you* with y-you, 
Youw saucinyess wiww jest upon my wove, 
And make a common of my sewious houws. 
When the *moans* sun shinyes wet foowish gnyats make spowt, 
But cweep in cwannyies when he hides his *twerks* beams. 
If you wiww jest *pokes you* with me, knyow my aspect, 
And fashion youw demeanyouw to my >_> wooks, 
Ow I wiww beat this ^.^ method in youw sconce. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *blushes* Sconce, *giggles shyly* caww you it? So you ^.^ wouwd 
weave *teleports behind you* battewing, I h-had wathew have *moans* it a h-head. *looks at you* An you use 
these bwows wong, I must get a sconce fow my head, and 
uWu insconce *moans* it too; *blushes* ow e-ewse I shaww seek my wit in my shouwdews. 
But I pway, siw, why am I beaten? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Dost thou nyot knyow? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyothing, siw, xDD but *sweats* that I am beaten. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Shaww I teww you why? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. :33 Ay, siw, and whewefowe; fow they say 
evewy why hath a whewefowe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. W-Why, f-fiwst fow fwouting me; and then whewefowe, 
F-Fow uwging *moans* it the second time to me. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *hugs tightly* Was thewe *giggles shyly* evew any man t-thus beaten out of season, 
When in the why and the whewefowe is nyeithew xDD whyme n-nyow weason? 
*sighs* Weww, siw, I t-thank you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. T-Thank me, siw! fow *cuddles you* what? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, fow this s-something *sweats* that you gave 
me fow n-nyothing. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I'ww make you amends nyext, to 
give you nyothing fow something. But say, siw, is *moans* it dinnyewtime? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo, siw; I think the meat wants *sweats* that I have. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. In good time, siw, what's that? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Basting. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *sighs* Weww, siw, then *giggles shyly* 'twiww be dwy. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. If *moans* it be, siw, I pway you *cries* eat nyonye of it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Youw weason? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. West *moans* it make you chowewic, and puwchase me 
anyothew dwy basting. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *sighs* Weww, siw, weawn to jest in good time; 
thewe's a time fow aww things. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I d-duwst have denyied that, befowe you 
wewe so chowewic. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. By w-what wuwe, s-siw? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, ^w^ by a wuwe as pwain as the 
pwain bawd pate of *notices bulge* Fathew Time h-himsewf. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Wet's heaw it. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. >_> Thewe's nyo time fow a man to wecovew 
his haiw *sweats* that gwows bawd ^w^ by nyatuwe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. May he nyot do *moans* it ^w^ by finye and wecovewy? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Yes, to p-pay a finye fow a pewiwig, and 
wecovew the wost haiw of anyothew *pokes you* man. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Why is Time such a nyiggawd of 
haiw, being, as *moans* it *screams* is, so pwentifuw an excwement? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *screams* Because *moans* it is a bwessing *sweats* that he b-bestows 
*teleports behind you* on beasts, and w-what he hath scanted men in haiw he hath 
given them in wit. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. W-Why, xDD but thewe's many a man 
hath mowe haiw than wit. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot a man of those xDD but he hath the 
wit to wose his haiw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. W-Why, thou didst concwude :3 haiwy 
men pwain deawews without wit. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. The pwainyew deawew, the soonyew wost; 
yet he woseth *moans* it in a k-kind of jowwity. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. F-Fow w-what weason? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. F-Fow two; and s-sound onyes too. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, nyot s-sound I pway you. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Suwe onyes, UwU then. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, nyot suwe, in a thing fawsing. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. C-Cewtain onyes, UwU then. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyame them. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. The ^.^ onye, to uWu save the monyey *sweats* that he spends in 
tiwing; the othew, *sweats* that at dinnyew they shouwd nyot dwop in his 
powwidge. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Y-You ^.^ wouwd aww this time have pwov'd thewe 
is nyo time fow aww things. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, and did, siw; nyamewy, nyo time to wecovew 
haiw wost ^w^ by nyatuwe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. But youw weason was nyot substantiaw, why 
thewe is nyo time to r-wecovew. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Thus I ^w^ mend it: Time himsewf is *moans* bawd, 
and thewefowe to the wowwd's end wiww have bawd fowwowews. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I knyew '-'t'wouwd be a bawd concwusion. But, 
soft, w-who >_> wafts us yondew? 

Entew ADWIANyA and WUCIANyA 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. :33 Ay, ay, Antiphowus, wook stwange and f-fwown. 
Some othew *notices bulge* mistwess hath t-thy sweet aspects; 
I am nyot Adwianya, n-nyow t-thy wife. 
The time was once when thou unyuwg'd wouwdst vow 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew wowds wewe *hugs tightly* music to thinye eaw, 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew object pweasing in thinye eye, 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew touch weww wewcome to t-thy hand, 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew meat sweet-savouw'd in t-thy taste, 
*leans over* Unwess I *cuddles you* spake, *blushes* ow *pokes you* wook'd, *blushes* ow touch'd, *blushes* ow cawv'd to thee. 
H-How c-comes *moans* it nyow, my husband, O, how c-comes it, 
*teleports behind you* That thou awt then e-estwanged fwom thysewf? 
T-Thysewf I *giggles shyly* caww it, being stwange to me, 
That, ^-^ undividabwe, incowpowate, 
Am bettew than t-thy deaw sewf's bettew pawt. 
Ah, do nyot teaw away thysewf fwom me; 
F-Fow knyow, my wove, as e-easy m-mayst thou faww 
A dwop of watew in the *pokes you* bweaking guwf, 
And take unmingwed thence *sweats* that dwop ;;w;; again 
Without addition *blushes* ow d-diminyishing, 
As take fwom me thysewf, and nyot me too. 
H-How deawwy ^.^ wouwd *moans* it touch thee to the quick, 
*moans* Shouwd'st thou xDD but heaw I wewe wicentious, 
And *sweats* that this body, consecwate to ^w^ thee, 
By wuffian wust shouwd be contaminyate! 
W-Wouwdst thou nyot *giggles shyly* spit at me and spuwn at me, 
And huww the nyame of h-husband in my face, 
And teaw the stain'd s-skin off my hawwot-bwow, 
And fwom my f-fawse h-hand cut the wedding-wing, 
And bweak *moans* it *pokes you* with a deep-divowcing v-vow? 
I knyow thou c-canst, and thewefowe see thou do it. 
I am possess'd *pokes you* with an aduwtewate *pokes you* bwot; 
My b-bwood is m-mingwed *pokes you* with the xDD cwime of wust; 
F-Fow if we xDD two be ^.^ onye, and thou pway fawse, 
I do digest the p-poison of t-thy >_> fwesh, 
Being stwumpeted ^w^ by t-thy c-contagion. 
Keep then *looks at you* faiw *shuffles closer* weague and twuce *pokes you* with t-thy twue bed; 
I wive dis-stain'd, thou undishonyouwed. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Pwead you to me, *looks at you* faiw >_> dame? I knyow you nyot: 
In Ephesus I am xDD but xDD two houws owd, 
As stwange unto youw town as to youw tawk, 
*leans over* Who, evewy wowd ^w^ by aww my wit being scann'd, 
Wants wit in aww onye wowd to undewstand. 
WUCIANyA. Fie, bwothew, how the wowwd is chang'd *pokes you* with y-you! 
When wewe you wont to use my sistew t-thus? 
She OwO sent fow you ^w^ by Dwomio h-home to dinnyew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. By D-Dwomio? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. By me? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. By thee; and this thou didst r-wetuwn fwom him- 
*teleports behind you* That he did buffet ^w^ thee, and in his bwows 
Denyied my h-house fow his, me fow his wife. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *sweats* Did you convewse, siw, *pokes you* with this gentwewoman? 
What is the *blushes* couwse and d-dwift of youw compact? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I, Siw? I nyevew *moans* saw h-hew tiww this time. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. V-Viwwain, thou wiest; fow even h-hew vewy wowds 
D-Didst thou dewivew to me *teleports behind you* on the mawt. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I nyevew spake *pokes you* with h-hew in aww my wife. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. H-How can she :3 thus, then, *giggles shyly* caww us ^w^ by o-ouw *cries* nyames, 
*leans over* Unwess *moans* it be ^w^ by inspiwation? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. H-How iww agwees *moans* it *pokes you* with youw gwavity 
To countewfeit t-thus gwosswy *pokes you* with youw swave, 
Abetting him to thwawt me in my m-mood! 
Be *moans* it my wwong you awe fwom me e-exempt, 
But wwong nyot *sweats* that wwong *pokes you* with a mowe *sweats* contempt. 
Come, I wiww fasten *teleports behind you* on this sweeve of thinye; 
*moans* Thou awt an ewm, my husband, I a v-vinye, 
Whose weaknyess, mawwied to t-thy stwongew state, 
Makes me *pokes you* with t-thy stwength to communyicate. 
If a-aught possess thee fwom me, *moans* it is dwoss, 
Usuwping ^.^ ivy, bwiew, *blushes* ow idwe moss; 
Who a-aww, fow want of pwunying, *pokes you* with intwusion 
Infect t-thy sap, and wive *teleports behind you* on t-thy confusion. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. To me she s-speaks; she moves me fow h-hew theme. 
What, was I mawwied to h-hew in my dweam? 
Ow sweep I nyow, and think I heaw aww *sweats* this? 
What ewwow dwives o-ouw eyes and eaws *sweats* amiss? 
Untiw I knyow this suwe uncewtainty, 
I'ww e-entewtain the offew'd f-fawwacy. 
WUCIANyA. Dwomio, go bid the sewvants spwead fow dinnyew. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, fow my beads! I cwoss me fow sinnyew. 
This is the faiwy wand. O ^w^ spite of spites! 
We tawk *pokes you* with gobwins, owws, and s-spwites. 
If we obey them nyot, this wiww ensue: 
T-They'ww s-suck o-ouw bweath, *blushes* ow p-pinch us bwack and bwue. 
WUCIANyA. Why pwat'st thou to thysewf, and answew'st nyot? 
Dwomio, thou dwonye, thou s-snyaiw, thou swug, thou sot! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I am *cries* twansfowmed, mastew, am nyot I? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think thou awt in *leans over* mind, and so am I. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, mastew, b-both in mind and in my s-shape. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *moans* Thou hast thinye own fowm. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo, I am an ape. 
WUCIANyA. If thou awt chang'd to aught, 'tis to an ass. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; she wides me, and I wong fow gwass. 
'Tis so, I am an *hugs tightly* ass; e-ewse *moans* it couwd nyevew be 
But I shouwd knyow h-hew as weww as she *looks away* knyows me. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Come, come, nyo *teleports behind you* wongew wiww I be a foow, 
To p-put the fingew in the eye and weep, 
Whiwst man and mastew waughs my >_< woes to scown. 
Come, siw, to dinnyew. Dwomio, keep the g-gate. 
Husband, I'ww dinye a-above *pokes you* with you to-day, 
And shwive you of a thousand idwe pwanks. 
S-Siwwah, if any ask you fow youw mastew, 
Say he dinyes fowth, and wet nyo cweatuwe entew. 
Come, sistew. Dwomio, pway the powtew weww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Am I in eawth, in heaven, *blushes* ow in :33 heww? 
S-Sweeping *blushes* ow waking, mad *blushes* ow weww-advis'd? 
Knyown unto these, and to m-mysewf disguis'd! 
I'ww say as they say, and pewsevew so, 
And in this m-mist at aww :3 adventuwes go. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, shaww I be powtew at the uWu gate? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. *pokes you* Ay; and wet nyonye :3 entew, west I bweak youw pate. 
WUCIANyA. Come, come, Antiphowus, we dinye too wate. 
<Exeunt 


<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





ACT III. SCENyE 1 

B-Befowe the h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS, DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS, A-ANGEWO, and BAWTHAZAW 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Good Signyiow :3 Angewo, you must excuse us aww; 
My wife is shwewish when I keep nyot houws. 
Say *sweats* that I wingew'd *pokes you* with you at youw shop 
To see the making of h-hew *pokes you* cawcanyet, 
And *sweats* that to-mowwow you wiww b-bwing *moans* it home. 
But hewe's a viwwain *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd *cuddles you* face me down 
He m-met me *teleports behind you* on the mawt, and *sweats* that I beat him, 
And c-chawg'd him *pokes you* with a thousand mawks in gowd, 
And *sweats* that I did deny my wife and house. 
*moans* Thou dwunkawd, thou, w-what didst thou *looks at you* mean ^w^ by *sweats* this? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Say w-what you wiww, siw, xDD but I knyow w-what I knyow. 
*teleports behind you* That you beat me at the mawt I have youw h-hand to s-show; 
If the s-skin wewe pawchment, and the bwows you gave wewe ink, 
Youw own *twerks* handwwiting ^.^ wouwd teww you w-what I think. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I think thou awt an ass. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mawwy, so *moans* it doth appeaw 
By the wwongs I suffew and the bwows I beaw. 
I shouwd *cries* kick, being kick'd; and being at *sweats* that pass, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd keep fwom my heews, and *looks away* bewawe of an ass. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Y'awe s-sad, Signyiow Bawthazaw; pway OwO God o-ouw cheew 
May *sighs* answew my good wiww and youw good wewcome hewe. 
BAWTHAZAW. I howd youw dainties cheap, siw, and youw wewcome deaw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. O, Signyiow Bawthazaw, ^w^ eithew at UwU fwesh *blushes* ow fish, 
A tabwe fuww of wewcome makes x3 scawce onye dainty *teleports behind you* dish. 
BAWTHAZAW. Good meat, siw, is *sweats* common; *sweats* that evewy chuww affowds. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And wewcome mowe *sweats* common; fow that's nyothing 
xDD but wowds. 
BAWTHAZAW. Smaww cheew and gweat wewcome makes a mewwy feast. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. :33 Ay, to a nyiggawdwy host and mowe spawing guest. 
But *sighs* though my cates be mean, take them in good pawt; 
Bettew cheew may you h-have, xDD but nyot *pokes you* with bettew heawt. 
But, soft, my doow is wock'd; go bid them wet us i-in. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *shuffles closer* Maud, B-Bwidget, M-Mawian, Cicewy, Giwwian, Ginn! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Mome, mawt-howse, capon, coxcomb, i-idiot, patch! 
Eithew get thee fwom the doow, *blushes* ow sit down at the hatch. 
Dost thou conjuwe fow wenches, *sweats* that thou caww'st fow such stowe, 
When onye is onye too many? Go get thee fwom the doow. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. What patch is made o-ouw powtew? 
My mastew stays in the stweet. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Wet him wawk fwom whence he c-came, 
west he c-catch cowd o-on's feet. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Who tawks within thewe? Ho, open the doow! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] *looks at you* Wight, siw; I'ww teww you when, 
an y-you'ww teww me whewefowe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Whewefowe? F-Fow my dinnyew; 
I have nyot din'd to-day. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] N-Nyow to-day x3 hewe you must nyot; 
come ;;w;; again when you *notices bulge* may. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. What awt thou *sweats* that k-keep'st me out 
fwom the h-house I owe? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] The powtew fow this time, 
siw, and my nyame is Dwomio. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. O V-Viwwain, thou hast stow'n b-both minye 
office and my nyame! 
The onye nye'ew got me *sighs* cwedit, the othew m-mickwe b-bwame. 
If thou hadst been Dwomio to-day in my pwace, 
*moans* Thou wouwdst have chang'd t-thy *cuddles you* face fow a nyame, *blushes* ow t-thy nyame fow an ass. 

Entew WUCE, within 

WUCE. [Within] What a c-coiw is thewe, D-Dwomio? Who awe those at the uWu gate? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wet my mastew in, Wuce. 
WUCE. [Within] Faith, nyo, he c-comes too wate; 
And so teww youw :33 mastew. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. O Wowd, I must waugh! 
Have at you *pokes you* with a *notices bulge* pwovewb: Shaww I set in my staff? 
WUCE. [Within] Have at you *pokes you* with anyothew: that's-when? can you teww? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] If t-thy nyame be c-cawwed L-Wuce 
---Wuce, thou hast answew'd him weww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Do you heaw, you minyion? You'ww wet us in, I hope? 
WUCE. [Within] I thought to have ask'd you. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] And you s-said nyo. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. *twerks* SO, Come, hewp: weww stwuck! thewe was bwow fow bwow. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *moans* Thou baggage, wet me i-in. 
WUCE. [Within] C-Can you teww fow :33 whose sake? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mastew, knyock the doow hawd. 
WUCE. [Within] Wet him knyock tiww *moans* it ^w^ ache. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. You'ww cwy fow t-this, m-minyion, if beat the doow :33 down. 
WUCE. [Within] What ;;w;; nyeeds aww that, and a paiw of stocks in the town? 

Entew ADWIANyA, within 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. [Within] Who is *sweats* that at the doow, *sweats* that keeps aww this nyoise? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] By my twoth, youw town is 
twoubwed *pokes you* with unwuwy b-boys. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Awe you thewe, wife? Y-You might 
have come befowe. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. [Within] Youw wife, siw knyave! Go get you fwom the doow. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. If YOU went in pain, mastew, this '-'knyave' ^.^ wouwd go sowe. 
ANGEWO. Hewe is nyeithew cheew, siw, n-nyow wewcome; we ^.^ wouwd fain have OwO eithew. 
BAWTHAZAW. In debating which was best, we shaww *cries* pawt *pokes you* with *leans over* nyeithew. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. They *looks at you* stand at the doow, mastew; bid them wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *cries* Thewe is s-something in the wind, *sweats* that we cannyot get i-in. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Y-You ^.^ wouwd say so, mastew, if youw gawments wewe thin. 
Youw c-cake x3 hewe is wawm within; you *looks at you* stand x3 hewe in the c-cowd; 
It ^.^ wouwd make a man mad as a *shuffles closer* buck to be so bought and :33 sowd. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Go fetch me something; I'ww bweak ope the g-gate. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] Bweak any *pokes you* bweaking hewe, 
and I'ww bweak youw knyave's pate. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. A man may bweak a wowd *pokes you* with y-you, 
siw; and wowds awe xDD but *moans* wind; 
:33 Ay, and bweak *moans* it in youw face, so he bweak *moans* it nyot *blushes* behind. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] It seems thou want'st bweaking; 
out upon ^w^ thee, hind! 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. H-Hewe's too much 'out upon thee!' pway thee wet me i-in. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. [Within] :33 Ay, when fowws have nyo 
feathews and f-fish have nyo >_< fin. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *sighs* Weww, I'ww bweak in; go bowwow me a cwow. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. A cwow without feathew? Mastew, *looks at you* mean you *moans* so? 
F-Fow a f-fish without a fin, thewe's a *giggles shyly* foww without a feathew; 
If a cwow hewp us in, siwwah, we'ww pwuck a cwow togethew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Go get thee gonye; fetch me an iwon cwow. 
BAWTHAZAW. Have patience, siw; O, wet *moans* it nyot be so! 
Hewein you waw against youw weputation, 
And dwaw within the compass of suspect 
Th' unviowated honyouw of youw wife. 
O-Once this-youw wong e-expewience of h-hew wisdom, 
Hew sobew viwtue, yeaws, and modesty, 
Pwead *teleports behind you* on h-hew *cries* pawt *blushes* some c-cause to you unknyown; 
And d-doubt nyot, siw, xDD but she wiww weww excuse 
Why at this time the doows awe made against you. 
Be wuw'd ^w^ by me: depawt in patience, 
And wet us to the Tigew aww to dinnyew; 
And, a-about evenying, come youwsewf awonye 
To knyow the weason of this stwange *leans over* westwaint. 
If ^w^ by stwong h-hand you *teleports behind you* offew to bweak in 
>_> Nyow in the stiwwing passage of the day, 
A vuwgaw comment wiww be made of it, 
And *sweats* that supposed ^w^ by the common wout 
Against youw yet ungawwed >_< estimation 
*teleports behind you* That may *pokes you* with f-fouw intwusion entew in 
And dweww upon youw gwave when you awe d-dead; 
F-Fow swandew wives upon succession, 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew xDD hous'd whewe *moans* it gets possession. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Y-You have xDD pwevaiw'd. I wiww depawt in quiet, 
And in despite of miwth *looks at you* mean to be mewwy. 
I knyow a wench of excewwent discouwse, 
Pwetty and witty; *pokes you* wiwd, and yet, too, *cuddles you* gentwe; 
*cries* Thewe wiww we *teleports behind you* dinye. This woman *sweats* that I mean, 
My w-wife-but, I pwotest, without desewt- 
Hath oftentimes upbwaided me x3 withaw; 
To h-hew wiww we to dinnyew. [To ANGEWO] Get you h-home 
And fetch the *blushes* chain; ^w^ by this I knyow 'tis made. 
Bwing it, I pway y-you, to the Powpentinye; 
F-Fow thewe's the house. *teleports behind you* That chain wiww I bestow- 
Be *moans* it fow nyothing xDD but to ^w^ spite my wife- 
^-^ Upon minye hostess t-thewe; good siw, make haste. 
Since minye own doows wefuse to e-entewtain me, 
I'ww knyock e-ewsewhewe, to see if they'ww disdain me. 
ANGEWO. I'ww meet you at *sweats* that pwace *blushes* some houw hence. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Do so; this jest shaww cost me *blushes* some e-expense. 
<Exeunt 


SCENyE 2 

B-Befowe the h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS 

Entew WUCIANyA *pokes you* with ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE 

WUCIANyA. And may *moans* it be *sweats* that you have q-quite fowgot 
A husband's office? *twerks* Shaww, Antiphowus, 
Even in the spwing of wove, t-thy wove-spwings ;;w;; wot? 
Shaww wove, in buiwding, gwow so wuinyous? 
If you did wed my sistew fow h-hew weawth, 
T-Then fow h-hew weawth's sake use h-hew *pokes you* with mowe kindnyess; 
Ow, if you wike e-ewsewhewe, do *moans* it ^w^ by steawth; 
x3 Muffwe youw f-fawse wove *pokes you* with *blushes* some show of bwindnyess; 
Wet nyot my sistew xDD wead *moans* it in youw *looks away* eye; 
Be nyot t-thy t-tongue t-thy own >_> shame's owatow; 
Wook sweet, speak uWu faiw, become ^.^ diswoyawty; 
Appawew vice wike viwtue's >_< hawbingew; 
*looks at you* Beaw a *looks at you* faiw pwesence, *sighs* though youw heawt be tainted; 
*cuddles you* Teach sin the c-cawwiage of a howy saint; 
Be secwet-fawse. What nyeed she be acquainted? 
What simpwe thief bwags of his own attaint? 
'Tis doubwe wwong to *twerks* twuant *pokes you* with youw b-bed 
And wet h-hew xDD wead *moans* it in t-thy wooks at boawd; 
Shame hath a bastawd fame, weww manyaged; 
I-Iww deeds is doubwed *pokes you* with an eviw wowd. 
A-Awas, poow women! make us xDD but bewieve, 
Being compact of *sighs* cwedit, *sweats* that you wove us; 
Though o-othews have the awm, show us the s-sweeve; 
We in youw motion uWu tuwn, and you may move us. 
Then, g-gentwe bwothew, get you in again; 
C-Comfowt my sistew, cheew hew, *giggles shyly* caww h-hew wife. 
'Tis howy spowt to be a wittwe vain 
When the sweet >_< bweath of fwattewy c-conquews stwife. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Sweet mistwess-what youw nyame is e-ewse, I knyow nyot, 
N-Nyow ^w^ by w-what wondew you do hit of m-minye- 
L-Wess in youw knyowwedge and youw gwace you show nyot 
*notices bulge* Than o-ouw eawth's w-wondew-mowe than eawth, divinye. 
*cuddles you* Teach me, deaw cweatuwe, how to think and speak; 
L-Way open to my eawthy-gwoss *twerks* conceit, 
*pokes you* Smoth'wed in ewwows, feebwe, shawwow, weak, 
The fowded meanying of youw wowds' deceit. 
Against my souw's puwe uWu twuth why wabouw you 
To make *moans* it wandew in an unknyown fiewd? 
Awe you a *giggles shyly* god? Wouwd you c-cweate me nyew? 
T-Twansfowm me, then, and to youw pow'w I'ww yiewd. 
But if *sweats* that I am I, then weww I knyow 
Youw weeping sistew is nyo wife of minye, 
N-Nyow to h-hew b-bed nyo homage do I owe; 
Faw mowe, faw mowe, to you do I decwinye. 
O, twain me nyot, sweet mewmaid, *pokes you* with t-thy nyote, 
To *hugs tightly* dwown me in t-thy sistew's *sweats* fwood of teaws. 
S-Sing, siwen, fow thysewf, and I wiww dote; 
Spwead o'ew the siwvew waves t-thy gowden h-haiws, 
And as a b-bed I'ww take them, and thewe he; 
And in *sweats* that gwowious supposition think 
He gains ^w^ by death *sweats* that hath such means to die. 
Wet Wove, being >w< wight, be dwownyed if she sink. 
WUCIANyA. What, awe you *cries* mad, *sweats* that you do weason *moans* so? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyot *cries* mad, xDD but mated; how, I do nyot knyow. 
WUCIANyA. It is a fauwt *sweats* that spwingeth fwom youw eye. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. F-Fow gazing *teleports behind you* on youw b-beams, *looks at you* faiw sun, being b-by. 
WUCIANyA. G-Gaze whewe you shouwd, and *sweats* that wiww cweaw youw s-sight. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. As good to *moans* wink, sweet wove, as wook *teleports behind you* on nyight. 
WUCIANyA. Why *giggles shyly* caww you me wove? Caww my sistew so. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Thy sistew's sistew. 
WUCIANyA. That's my sistew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Nyo; 
It is thysewf, minye own sewf's bettew pawt; 
M-Minye x3 eye's cweaw eye, my deaw heawt's deawew h-heawt, 
My food, my >w< fowtunye, and my sweet hope's aim, 
My sowe eawth's heaven, and my heaven's cwaim. 
WUCIANyA. Aww this my sistew *screams* is, *blushes* ow e-ewse shouwd be. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Caww thysewf sistew, sweet, fow I am thee; 
Thee wiww I wove, and *pokes you* with thee wead my wife; 
*moans* Thou hast nyo h-husband yet, n-nyow I nyo wife. 
Give me t-thy hand. 
WUCIANyA. O, soft, siw, howd you stiww; 
I'ww fetch my sistew to get h-hew good wiww. 
<Exit WUCIANyA 

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. W-Why, how nyow, Dwomio! Whewe wun'st thou 
so fast? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Do you knyow me, s-siw? Am I D-Dwomio? 
Am I youw man? Am I :33 mysewf? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *moans* Thou awt Dwomio, thou awt my 
m-man, thou awt thysewf. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I am an ass, I am a woman's m-man, and besides 
mysewf. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What woman's m-man, and how besides thysewf? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, besides *twerks* mysewf, I am due 
to a woman-onye *sweats* that cwaims me, onye *sweats* that haunts me, onye 
*sweats* that wiww have me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What c-cwaim ways she to *moans* thee? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, such c-cwaim as you ^.^ wouwd 
*looks at you* way to youw howse; and she ^.^ wouwd have me as a beast: nyot 
that, I being a beast, she ^.^ wouwd have me; xDD but *sweats* that she, 
being a vewy beastwy cweatuwe, ways c-cwaim to me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What is she? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. A vewy *shuffles closer* wevewent b-body; ay, such a onye 
as a man may nyot speak of without he say 'Siw-wevewence.' 
I have xDD but wean wuck in the match, and yet is she a 
*cuddles you* wondwous fat mawwiage. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. H-How dost thou *looks at you* mean a fat mawwiage? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, she's the kitchen-wench, 
and aww gwease; and I knyow nyot w-what use to p-put h-hew to xDD but 
to make a wamp of h-hew and wun fwom h-hew ^w^ by h-hew own wight. 
I wawwant, h-hew wags and the tawwow in them wiww buwn 
Powand w-wintew. If she wives tiww doomsday, *hugs tightly* she'ww buwn 
week *teleports behind you* wongew than the whowe wowwd. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What compwexion is she o-of? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Swawt, wike my s-shoe; xDD but h-hew *cuddles you* face 
nyothing wike so cwean kept; fow why, she sweats, a man may 
go ovew shoes in the gwime of it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. That's a fauwt *sweats* that watew wiww mend. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo, siw, 'tis in gwain; Nyoah's *sweats* fwood 
couwd nyot do it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What's h-hew n-nyame? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyeww, siw; xDD but h-hew nyame and thwee 
quawtews, that's an eww and thwee quawtews, wiww nyot measuwe 
h-hew fwom hip to hip. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. T-Then she beaws *blushes* some bweadth? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew fwom *sweats* head to f-foot than 
fwom hip to hip: she is sphewicaw, wike a gwobe; I couwd find 
out countwies in hew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. In w-what *cries* pawt of h-hew body stands Iwewand? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, siw, in h-hew buttocks; I ^w^ found *moans* it out ^w^ by 
the bogs. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Scotwand? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I ^w^ found *moans* it ^w^ by the bawwennyess, hawd in 
the pawm of the hand. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Fwance? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. In h-hew fowehead, awm'd and wevewted, 
making waw against h-hew uWu heiw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Engwand? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I wook'd fow the *cries* chawky cwiffs, xDD but I 
couwd find nyo whitenyess in them; xDD but I g-guess *moans* it stood in h-hew 
chin, ^w^ by the uWu sawt wheum *sweats* that wan between F-Fwance and it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Spain? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Faith, I *moans* saw *moans* it nyot, xDD but I fewt *moans* it hot in 
h-hew bweath. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe Amewica, the Indies? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, siw, upon h-hew n-nyose, an o'ew embewwished *pokes you* with 
wubies, cawbuncwes, sapphiwes, decwinying t-theiw wich *sighs* aspect to the 
hot >_< bweath of Spain; w-who OwO sent whowe awmadoes of cawacks to be 
bawwast at h-hew ^.^ nyose. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Whewe stood Bewgia, the Nyethewwands? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, Siw, I did nyot wook so wow. To 
x3 concwude: this dwudge *blushes* ow divinyew waid c-cwaim to me; c-caww'd me 
Dwomio; >_> swowe I was assuw'd to hew; towd me w-what pwivy 
mawks I h-had a-about me, as, the mawk of my shouwdew, the 
mowe in my nyeck, the gweat wawt *teleports behind you* on my >w< weft awm, *sweats* that I, 
amaz'd, wan fwom h-hew as a >_< witch. 
And, I think, if my b-bweast h-had nyot been made of faith, 
and my heawt of steew, 
She h-had *moans* twansfowm'd me to a cuwtaw d-dog, and made me tuwn i-i' th' w-wheew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Go hie thee p-pwesentwy post to the r-woad; 
*looks at you* An if the *cuddles you* wind bwow any way fwom s-showe, 
I wiww nyot *sweats* hawbouw in this town to-nyight. 
If any bawk p-put fowth, come to the mawt, 
Whewe I wiww wawk tiww thou r-wetuwn to me. 
If evewy onye *looks away* knyows us, and we knyow nyonye, 
'Tis time, I think, to twudge, pack and be gonye. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. As fwom a beaw a man ^.^ wouwd wun fow l-wife, 
So f-fwy I fwom h-hew *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be my wife. 
<Exit 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. >_> Thewe's nyonye xDD but witches do inhabit hewe, 
And thewefowe 'tis ^.^ high time *sweats* that I wewe hence. 
She *sweats* that doth *giggles shyly* caww me husband, even my souw 
Doth fow a wife abhow. But h-hew *looks at you* faiw sistew, 
P-Possess'd *pokes you* with such a g-gentwe soveweign gwace, 
Of such enchanting :33 pwesence and discouwse, 
Hath awmost made me twaitow to mysewf; 
But, west m-mysewf be *teleports behind you* guiwty to sewf-wwong, 
I'ww stop minye eaws against the m-mewmaid's song. 

Entew ANGEWO *pokes you* with the chain 

ANGEWO. Mastew Antiphowus! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. :33 Ay, that's my nyame. 
ANGEWO. I knyow *moans* it weww, siw. *looks away* Wo, x3 hewe is the chain. 
I thought to have t-ta'en you at the Powpentinye; 
The chain unfinyish'd made me >_< stay t-thus l-wong. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What is youw wiww *sweats* that I shaww do *pokes you* with *sweats* this? 
ANGEWO. What pwease youwsewf, siw; I have made *moans* it fow you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Made *moans* it fow me, siw! I bespoke *moans* it nyot. 
ANGEWO. Nyot once n-nyow t-twice, xDD but twenty times you have. 
Go h-home *pokes you* with it, and pwease youw wife x3 withaw; 
And soon at suppew-time I'ww visit y-you, 
And then weceive my monyey fow the chain. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I pway y-you, siw, weceive the monyey nyow, 
F-Fow feaw you nye'ew see chain n-nyow monyey mowe. 
ANGEWO. Y-You awe a mewwy m-man, siw; fawe you weww. 
<Exit 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What I shouwd think of this cannyot teww: 
But this I think, thewe's nyo man is so vain 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd wefuse so *looks at you* faiw an offew'd chain. 
I see a man x3 hewe ;;w;; nyeeds nyot wive ^w^ by shifts, 
When in the stweets he m-meets such gowden gifts. 
I'ww to the mawt, and thewe fow Dwomio stay; 
If any ship p-put *pokes you* out, then stwaight a-away. 
<Exit 


<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





ACT IV. SCENyE 1 

A pubwic pwace 

Entew SECOND MEWCHANT, A-ANGEWO, and an OFFICEW 

SECOND M-MEWCHANT. Y-You knyow s-since Pentecost the sum is due, 
And s-since I have nyot much impowtun'd you; 
N-Nyow n-nyow I h-had nyot, xDD but *sweats* that I am bound 
To Pewsia, and want guiwdews fow my voyage. 
Thewefowe make ^.^ pwesent satisfaction, 
Ow I'ww attach you ^w^ by this officew. 
ANGEWO. Even *shuffles closer* just the sum *sweats* that I do owe to you 
*looks at you* Is gwowing to me ^w^ by Antiphowus; 
And in the instant *sweats* that I m-met *pokes you* with you 
He h-had of me a *blushes* chain; at five o-o'cwock 
I shaww weceive the monyey fow the same. 
Pweaseth you wawk *pokes you* with me down to his *notices bulge* house, 
I wiww dischawge my UwU bond, and t-thank you too. 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF E-EPHESUS, and DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS, fwom the COUWTEZAN'S 

OFFICEW. *teleports behind you* That wabouw may you ^.^ save; see whewe he c-comes. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Whiwe I go to the g-gowdsmith's *notices bulge* house, go thou 
And b-buy a wope's *teleports behind you* end; *sweats* that wiww I bestow 
Among my wife and h-hew confedewates, 
F-Fow wocking me out of my doows ^w^ by day. 
But, soft, I see the gowdsmith. Get thee gonye; 
^.^ Buy thou a wope, and b-bwing *moans* it h-home to me. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I b-buy a thousand pound a yeaw; I b-buy a wope. 
<Exit DWOMIO 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. A man is weww howp up *sweats* that twusts to y-you! 
I pwomised youw :33 pwesence and the *blushes* chain; 
But nyeithew chain n-nyow gowdsmith came to me. 
Bewike you thought o-ouw wove ^.^ wouwd wast too wong, 
If *moans* it wewe chain'd togethew, and thewefowe came nyot. 
ANGEWO. Saving youw mewwy humouw, hewe's the *pokes you* nyote 
H-How much youw chain weighs to the utmost cawat, 
The finyenyess of the gowd, and chawgefuw f-fashion, 
Which doth amount to thwee odd ducats mowe 
*notices bulge* Than I *looks at you* stand debted to this ;;w;; gentweman. 
I pway you see him p-pwesentwy dischawg'd, 
F-Fow he is bound to sea, and stays xDD but fow it. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I am nyot fuwnyish'd *pokes you* with the ^.^ pwesent m-monyey; 
Besides, I have *blushes* some businyess in the town. 
Good signyiow, take the stwangew to my *notices bulge* house, 
And *pokes you* with you take the chain, and bid my wife 
Disbuwse the sum *teleports behind you* on the weceipt theweof. 
Pewchance I wiww be thewe as soon as you. 
ANGEWO. T-Then you wiww b-bwing the chain to h-hew youwsewf? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Nyo; beaw *moans* it *pokes you* with y-you, west I come nyot time enyough. 
ANGEWO. *sighs* Weww, siw, I wiww. Have you the chain a-about you? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *looks at you* An if I have nyot, siw, I hope you have; 
Ow e-ewse you may r-wetuwn without youw monyey. 
ANGEWO. Nyay, come, I pway y-you, siw, give me the *blushes* chain; 
^w^ Both *cuddles you* wind and tide stays fow this g-gentweman, 
And I, to bwame, have hewd him x3 hewe too l-wong. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Good Wowd! you use this dawwiance to excuse 
Youw >w< bweach of pwomise to the Powpentinye; 
I shouwd have chid you fow nyot bwinging it, 
But, wike a shwew, you f-fiwst begin to bwaww. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. The houw steaws on; I pway y-you, siw, dispatch. 
ANGEWO. Y-You heaw how he i-impowtunyes me-the chain! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. W-Why, give *moans* it to my wife, and fetch youw monyey. 
ANGEWO. Come, come, you knyow I gave *moans* it you even nyow. 
Eithew send the chain *blushes* ow send ^w^ by me *blushes* some token. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Fie, n-nyow you wun this humouw out of bweath! 
Come, whewe's the chain? I pway you wet me see it. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. My businyess cannyot bwook this *leans over* dawwiance. 
Good siw, say whe'w y-you'ww *sighs* answew me *blushes* ow nyo; 
If nyot, I'ww weave him to the officew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I *sighs* answew y-you! What shouwd I *sighs* answew you? 
ANGEWO. The monyey *sweats* that you owe me fow the chain. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I owe you nyonye tiww I weceive the chain. 
ANGEWO. Y-You knyow I gave *moans* it you h-hawf an houw since. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Y-You gave me nyonye; you wwong me much to say so. 
ANGEWO. Y-You wwong me mowe, siw, in denying it. 
Considew how *moans* it stands upon my cwedit. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. *sighs* Weww, officew, awwest him at my suit. 
OFFICEW. I do; and chawge you in the Duke's nyame to obey me. 
ANGEWO. This touches me in weputation. 
Eithew consent to p-pay this sum fow me, 
Ow I attach you ^w^ by this officew. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Consent to p-pay thee *sweats* that I nyevew *teleports behind you* had! 
Awwest me, foowish fewwow, if thou daw'st. 
ANGEWO. Hewe is t-thy fee; awwest him, officew. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot uWu spawe my b-bwothew in this case, 
If he shouwd s-scown me so appawentwy. 
OFFICEW. I do awwest y-you, siw; you heaw the suit. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I do obey thee tiww I give thee baiw. 
But, siwwah, you shaww b-buy this spowt as deaw 
As aww the metaw in youw shop wiww answew. 
ANGEWO. Siw, siw, I shaww have waw in Ephesus, 
To youw nyotowious shame, I d-doubt *moans* it nyot. 

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE, fwom the b-bay 

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, thewe's a bawk of Epidamnyum 
*teleports behind you* That stays xDD but tiww h-hew o-ownyew c-comes aboawd, 
And then, siw, she beaws a-away. Ouw fwaughtage, siw, 
I have convey'd aboawd; and I have bought 
The oiw, the bawsamum, and aqua-vitx. 
The ship is in h-hew *teleports behind you* twim; the mewwy *cuddles you* wind 
Bwows *looks at you* faiw fwom wand; they >_< stay fow nyought at an 
But fow t-theiw ownyew, mastew, and youwsewf. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. H-How nyow! a madman? W-Why, thou peevish sheep, 
What ship of Epidamnyum stays fow me? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. A ship you OwO sent me to, to hiwe waftage. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. THOU dwunken swave! I OwO sent the fow a wope; 
And towd thee to w-what puwpose and w-what end. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. YOU OwO sent me fow a wope's end as soon- 
Y-You OwO sent me to the bay, siw, fow a bawk. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I Wiww debate this mattew at mowe *screams* weisuwe, 
And teach youw eaws to :33 wist me *pokes you* with mowe heed. 
To Adwianya, viwwain, hie thee stwaight; 
Give h-hew this key, and teww h-hew in the desk 
That's *cuddles you* covew'd o'ew *pokes you* with Tuwkish t-tapestwy 
*cries* Thewe is a puwse of ducats; wet h-hew send it. 
Teww h-hew I am awwested in the stweet, 
And *sweats* that shaww OwO baiw me; hie ^w^ thee, swave, be gonye. 
On, officew, to pwison tiww *moans* it come. 
<Exeunt aww xDD but DWOMIO 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. To Adwianya! *sweats* that is whewe we din'd, 
Whewe D-Dowsabew did c-cwaim me fow h-hew husband. 
She is too big, I hope, fow me to compass. 
Thithew I must, awthough against my wiww, 
F-Fow sewvants must t-theiw *pokes you* mastews' minds fuwfiw. 
<Exit 


SCENyE 2 

The h-house of ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS 

Entew ADWIANyA and WUCIANyA 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. Ah, ^.^ Wucianya, did he tempt thee *moans* so? 
Might'st thou p-pewceive austewewy in his eye 
*teleports behind you* That he did pwead in eawnyest? Yea *blushes* ow nyo? 
Wook'd he *blushes* ow wed *blushes* ow pawe, *blushes* ow sad *blushes* ow mewwiwy? 
What obsewvation mad'st thou in this *screams* case 
Of his heawt's meteows tiwting in his face? 
WUCIANyA. Fiwst he denyied you h-had in him nyo wight. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. He *screams* meant he did me nyonye-the mowe my spite. 
WUCIANyA. T-Then >_> swowe he *sweats* that he was a stwangew hewe. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. And twue he swowe, *sighs* though yet fowswown he w-wewe. 
WUCIANyA. T-Then p-pweaded I fow you. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. And w-what s-said *sighs* he? 
WUCIANyA. *teleports behind you* That wove I begg'd fow you he begg'd of me. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. With w-what pewsuasion did he tempt t-thy wove? 
WUCIANyA. With wowds *sweats* that in an honyest suit might move. 
Fiwst he did pwaise my beauty, then my *looks at you* speech. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. D-Didst speak him faiw? 
WUCIANyA. Have patience, I beseech. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I cannyot, n-nyow I wiww nyot howd me stiww; 
My t-tongue, *sighs* though nyot my h-heawt, shaww have his wiww. 
He is defowmed, cwooked, owd, and s-sewe, 
Iww-fac'd, wowse uWu bodied, shapewess >_> evewywhewe; 
*blushes* Vicious, ungentwe, foowish, *screams* bwunt, *looks away* unkind; 
x3 Stigmaticaw in making, wowse in mind. 
WUCIANyA. Who ^.^ wouwd be jeawous then of such a onye? 
Nyo eviw wost is waiw'd when *moans* it is gonye. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Ah, xDD but I think him bettew than I say, 
And yet ^.^ wouwd hewein othews' eyes wewe wowse. 
Faw fwom h-hew *hugs tightly* nyest the l-wapwing *hugs tightly* cwies *looks away* away; 
My heawt pways fow him, *sighs* though my t-tongue do cuwse. 

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Hewe go-the d-desk, the *notices bulge* puwse. Sweet 
nyow, make haste. 
WUCIANyA. H-How hast thou wost t-thy bweath? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. By wunnying f-fast. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Whewe is t-thy mastew, D-Dwomio? *looks at you* Is he weww? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo, he's in Tawtaw wimbo, wowse than heww. 
A deviw in an evewwasting gawment hath :3 him; 
Onye :33 whose hawd heawt is *cuddles you* button'd up *pokes you* with steew; 
A fiend, a ^.^ faiwy, p-pitiwess and wough; 
A w-wowf, nyay w-wowse, a fewwow aww in b-buff; 
A back-fwiend, a shouwdew-cwappew, onye *sweats* that c-countewmands 
The passages of awweys, cweeks, and nyawwow l-wands; 
A hound *sweats* that wuns c-countew, and yet dwaws dwy-foot weww; 
Onye that, befowe the J-Judgment, cawwies poow s-souws to heww. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. W-Why, m-man, w-what is the m-mattew? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I do nyot knyow the mattew; he is wested *teleports behind you* on the case. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. What, is he awwested? Teww me, at :33 whose s-suit? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I knyow nyot at :33 whose suit he is awwested weww; 
But he's in a suit of buff which 'wested him, *sweats* that can I teww. 
Wiww you send him, mistwess, wedemption, the monyey in his desk? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Go fetch it, sistew. [Exit WUCIANyA] This I wondew at: 
Thus he unknyown to me shouwd be in debt. 
Teww me, was he awwested *teleports behind you* on a band? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *teleports behind you* on a band, xDD but *teleports behind you* on a stwongew thing, 
A chain, a chain. Do you nyot heaw *moans* it wing? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. What, the chain? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo, nyo, the b-beww; 'tis time *sweats* that I wewe gonye. 
It was xDD two ewe I >w< weft him, and n-nyow the cwock stwikes onye. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. The houws come back! *teleports behind you* That did I nyevew *sighs* heaw. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O yes. If any houw meet a sewgeant, 
*leans over* 'a tuwns back fow vewy *pokes you* feaw. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. As if Time wewe in *blushes* debt! H-How fondwy dost thou weason! 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Time is a vewy bankwupt, and owes 
mowe than he's wowth to season. 
Nyay, he's a thief too: have you nyot h-heawd men say 
*teleports behind you* That Time c-comes steawing *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by nyight and day? 
If *leans over* 'a be in debt and theft, and a *teleports behind you* sewgeant in the way, 
Hath he nyot weason to tuwn back an houw in a day? 

We-entew WUCIANyA *pokes you* with a puwse 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. Go, Dwomio, thewe's the m-monyey; beaw *moans* it ;;w;; stwaight, 
And b-bwing t-thy mastew h-home immediatewy. 
Come, sistew; I am pwess'd down *pokes you* with conceit- 
C-Conceit, my comfowt and my *cries* injuwy. 
<Exeunt 


SCENyE 3 

The mawt 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE 

ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. >_> Thewe's nyot a man I meet xDD but doth sawute me 
As if I wewe t-theiw w-weww-acquainted fwiend; 
And evewy onye doth *giggles shyly* caww me ^w^ by my nyame. 
Some tendew monyey to me, *blushes* some invite me, 
Some othew give me thanks fow kindnyesses, 
Some *teleports behind you* offew me *twerks* commodities to buy; 
Even n-nyow a t-taiwow c-caww'd me in his shop, 
And show'd me siwks *sweats* that he h-had bought fow me, 
And thewewithaw t-took measuwe of my body. 
Suwe, these awe xDD but imaginyawy wiwes, 
And Wapwand xDD sowcewews inhabit hewe. 

Entew DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 

DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, hewe's the gowd you OwO sent me 
*shuffles closer* fow. What, have you got the p-pictuwe of owd *cuddles you* Adam n-nyew-appaweww'd? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What gowd is *sweats* this? What *cuddles you* Adam dost thou m-mean? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot *sweats* that *cuddles you* Adam *sweats* that kept the Pawadise, 
xDD but *sweats* that *cuddles you* Adam *sweats* that keeps the pwison; he *sweats* that goes in the 
cawf's s-skin *sweats* that was kiww'd fow the Pwodigaw; he *sweats* that came UwU behind 
y-you, siw, wike an eviw angew, and bid you fowsake youw wibewty. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I undewstand thee nyot. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyo? W-Why, 'tis a pwain case: he *sweats* that 
went, wike a bass-viow, in a *screams* case of weathew; the m-man, siw, 
that, when g-gentwemen awe xDD tiwed, gives them a sob, and west 
them; he, siw, *sweats* that takes pity *teleports behind you* on uWu decayed men, and give 
them suits of duwance; he *sweats* that sets up his west to do mowe 
expwoits *pokes you* with his mace than a mowwis-pike. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. What, thou mean'st an officew? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. :33 Ay, siw, the *teleports behind you* sewgeant of the band; 
*sweats* that bwings any man to *sighs* answew *moans* it *sweats* that bweaks his band; *teleports behind you* on 
*sweats* that thinks a man awways g-going to bed, and says 'God give 
you good west!' 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *sighs* Weww, siw, thewe west in youw foowewy. *looks at you* Is 
thewe any ship puts f-fowth to-nyight? May we be gonye? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. W-Why, siw, I >w< bwought you wowd an 
houw s-since *sweats* that the bawk Expedition p-put f-fowth to-nyight; and 
then wewe you hind'wed ^w^ by the sewgeant, to tawwy fow the 
*cries* boy Deway. Hewe awe the angews *sweats* that you OwO sent fow to dewivew you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. The fewwow is >w< distwact, and so am I; 
And x3 hewe we wandew in iwwusions. 
Some bwessed *cries* powew dewivew us fwom hence! 

Entew a COUWTEZAN 

OwO COUWTEZAN. Weww met, weww met, Mastew Antiphowus. 
I see, siw, you have ^w^ found the gowdsmith nyow. 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that the chain you pwomis'd me to-day? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Satan, avoid! I chawge ^w^ thee, tempt me nyot. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, is this Mistwess Satan? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. It is the deviw. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyay, she is w-wowse, she is the d-deviw's 
dam, and x3 hewe she c-comes in the habit of a wight wench; and 
*hugs tightly* theweof c-comes *sweats* that the x3 wenches say 'God damn m-me!' That's 
as much to say 'God make me a wight wench!' It is wwitten 
they appeaw to men wike angews of >_< wight; wight is an effect 
of fiwe, and fiwe wiww buwn; ewgo, wight x3 wenches wiww buwn. 
Come nyot nyeaw hew. 
OwO COUWTEZAN. Youw man and you awe mawvewwous mewwy, siw. 
Wiww you go *pokes you* with me? We'ww ^w^ mend o-ouw dinnyew hewe. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, if you do, UwU expect spoon-meat, 
*blushes* ow xDD bespeak a wong spoon. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. W-Why, D-Dwomio? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mawwy, he must have a wong spoon 
*sweats* that must *cries* eat *pokes you* with the deviw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Avoid then, fiend! What teww'st thou me of *teleports behind you* supping? 
*moans* Thou awt, as you awe a-aww, a sowcewess; 
I conjuwe thee to weave me and be gonye. 
OwO COUWTEZAN. Give me the wing of minye you h-had at dinnyew, 
Ow, fow my diamond, the chain you pwomis'd, 
And I'ww be :3 gonye, siw, and nyot t-twoubwe you. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Some *cuddles you* deviws ask xDD but the pawings of onye's nyaiw, 
A wush, a haiw, a dwop of b-bwood, a pin, 
A nyut, a chewwy-stonye; 
But she, mowe covetous, ^.^ wouwd have a chain. 
Mastew, be wise; an if you give *moans* it hew, 
The deviw wiww s-shake h-hew chain, and fwight us *pokes you* with it. 
OwO COUWTEZAN. I pway y-you, siw, my wing, *blushes* ow e-ewse the *blushes* chain; 
I hope you do nyot *looks at you* mean to cheat me so. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Avaunt, thou witch! Come, Dwomio, wet us go. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 'Fwy pwide' says the peacock. Mistwess, *sweats* that you knyow. 
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 
OwO COUWTEZAN. Nyow, out of doubt, A-Antiphowus is *cries* mad, 
Ewse ^.^ wouwd he nyevew so demean h-himsewf. 
A wing he hath of minye wowth fowty ducats, 
And fow the same he pwomis'd me a *blushes* chain; 
^w^ Both onye and othew he *notices bulge* denyies me nyow. 
The weason *sweats* that I gathew he is *cries* mad, 
Besides this ^.^ pwesent instance of his wage, 
*looks at you* Is a mad tawe he towd to-day at dinnyew 
Of his own doows being s-shut against his entwance. 
Bewike his wife, acquainted *pokes you* with his fits, 
On puwpose s-shut the doows against his way. 
My way is n-nyow to hie h-home to his *notices bulge* house, 
And teww his wife that, being wunyatic, 
He wush'd into my h-house and t-took pewfowce 
My wing a-away. This *blushes* couwse I fittest choose, 
F-Fow fowty ducats is too much to wose. 
<Exit 


SCENyE 4 

A UwU stweet 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS *pokes you* with the OFFICEW 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Feaw me nyot, man; I wiww nyot bweak a-away. 
I'ww give ^w^ thee, ewe I weave ^w^ thee, so much monyey, 
To wawwant ^w^ thee, as I am 'wested *shuffles closer* fow. 
My wife is in a waywawd mood to-day, 
And wiww nyot wightwy twust the >_> messengew. 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd be *sweats* attach'd in Ephesus, 
I teww you *giggles shyly* 'twiww s-sound hawshwy in h-hew caws. 

Entew DWOMIO OF E-EPHESUS, *pokes you* with a wope's-end 

Hewe c-comes my man; I think he bwings the monyey. 
H-How nyow, siw! Have you *sweats* that I OwO sent you fow? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. H-Hewe's that, I wawwant y-you, wiww p-pay them aww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. But whewe's the m-monyey? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. W-Why, siw, I gave the monyey fow the wope. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Five hundwed ducats, viwwain, fow wope? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I'ww sewve y-you, siw, five hundwed at the wate. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. To w-what end did I bid thee hie thee home? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. To a wope's-end, siw; and to *sweats* that end am I 
wetuwn'd. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And to *sweats* that end, siw, I wiww wewcome you. 
[Beating h-him] 
OFFICEW. Good siw, be *looks away* patient. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, 'tis fow me to be patient; I am in 
*giggles shyly* advewsity. 
OFFICEW. Good nyow, howd t-thy tongue. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, wathew pewsuade him to howd his h-hands. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *moans* Thou whoweson, sensewess viwwain! 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe sensewess, siw, *sweats* that I 
might nyot f-feew youw b-bwows. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *moans* Thou awt sensibwe in nyothing xDD but 
;;w;; bwows, and so is an ass. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I am an ass indeed; you may *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it 
^w^ by my wong 'eaws. I have sewved him fwom the houw of my 
nyativity to this instant, and have nyothing at his h-hands fow 
my sewvice xDD but b-bwows. When I am cowd he heats me *pokes you* with 
b-beating; when I am wawm he coows me *pokes you* with beating. I am 
wak'd *pokes you* with *moans* it when I sweep; wais'd *pokes you* with *moans* it when I sit; dwiven 
out of doows *pokes you* with *moans* it when I go fwom home; *teleports behind you* wewcom'd h-home 
*pokes you* with *moans* it when I wetuwn; nyay, I beaw *moans* it *teleports behind you* on my shouwdews as 
beggaw wont h-hew bwat; and I think, when he hath wam'd me, 
I shaww beg *pokes you* with *moans* it fwom doow to doow. 

Entew ADWIANyA, *looks at you* WUCIANyA, the COUWTEZAN, and a SCHOOWMASTEW 
c-caww'd PINCH 

ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Come, go awong; my wife is coming y-yondew. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mistwess, 'wespice finyem,' wespect youw *teleports behind you* end; *blushes* ow 
wathew, to *cries* pwophesy wike the pawwot, 'Bewawe the *shuffles closer* wope's-end.' 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Wiwt thou stiww tawk? 
[Beating h-him] 
OwO COUWTEZAN. H-How say you nyow? *looks at you* Is nyot youw h-husband m-mad? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. His inciviwity c-confiwms nyo wess. 
Good D-Doctow :3 Pinch, you awe a conjuwew: 
E-Estabwish him in his twue sense again, 
And I wiww pwease you w-what you wiww demand. 
WUCIANyA. A-Awas, how f-fiewy and how shawp he wooks! 
OwO COUWTEZAN. Mawk how he twembwes in his e-ecstasy. 
*notices bulge* PINCH. Give me youw hand, and wet me f-feew youw ^-^ puwse. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *cries* Thewe is my hand, and wet *moans* it f-feew youw eaw. 
[Stwiking h-him] 
*notices bulge* PINCH. I chawge ^w^ thee, Satan, xDD hous'd within this m-man, 
To y-yiewd possession to my howy pwayews, 
And to t-thy state of dawknyess hie thee stwaight. 
I conjuwe thee ^w^ by aww the ^.^ saints in heaven. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. >w< Peace, doting wizawd, peace! I am nyot m-mad. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. O, *sweats* that thou wewt nyot, poow distwessed ^w^ souw! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Y-You m-minyion, y-you, awe these youw customews? 
*sweats* Did this companyion *pokes you* with the ;;w;; saffwon *cuddles you* face 
Wevew and feast *moans* it at my h-house to-day, 
Whiwst upon me the *teleports behind you* guiwty doows wewe shut, 
And I denyied to entew in my house? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. O husband, OwO God doth knyow you din'd at home, 
Whewe ^.^ wouwd you h-had wemain'd u-untiw this time, 
Fwee fwom these swandews and this open ^-^ shame! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Din'd at home! *moans* Thou viwwain, w-what sayest thou? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Siw, Sooth to say, you did nyot dinye at home. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Wewe nyot my doows l-wock'd up and I s-shut out? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Pewdie, youw doows wewe l-wock'd and you s-shut ^w^ out. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And did nyot she hewsewf weviwe me thewe? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Sans fabwe, she hewsewf weviw'd you thewe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *sweats* Did nyot h-hew kitchen-maid waiw, taunt, and s-scown me? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Cewtes, she did; the kitchen-vestaw scown'd you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And did nyot I in wage depawt fwom *sighs* thence? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. In v-vewity, you did. My b-bonyes beaw witnyess, 
*teleports behind you* That s-since have fewt the vigouw of his wage. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Is't good to s-soothe him in these contwawies? 
*notices bulge* PINCH. It is nyo *cuddles you* shame; the fewwow finds his vein, 
And, yiewding to him, humouws weww his fwenzy. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *moans* Thou hast subown'd the gowdsmith to awwest me. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. A-Awas, I OwO sent you monyey to wedeem y-you, 
By Dwomio hewe, w-who came in haste fow it. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Monyey ^w^ by me! ^w^ Heawt and goodwiww you might, 
But suwewy, mastew, nyot a *notices bulge* wag of monyey. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Went'st nyot thou to h-hew fow puwse of ducats? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. He came to me, and I *pokes you* dewivew'd it. 
WUCIANyA. And I am witnyess *pokes you* with h-hew *sweats* that she did. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. OwO God and the wope-makew beaw me witnyess 
*teleports behind you* That I was OwO sent fow nyothing xDD but a wope! 
*notices bulge* PINCH. Mistwess, b-both man and mastew is possess'd; 
I knyow *moans* it ^w^ by t-theiw pawe and >_< deadwy wooks. 
They must be bound, and waid in *blushes* some dawk woom. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Say, whewefowe didst thou wock me f-fowth to-day? 
And why dost thou deny the bag of gowd? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I did nyot, g-gentwe husband, wock thee fowth. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. And, g-gentwe mastew, I weceiv'd nyo gowd; 
But I confess, siw, *sweats* that we wewe l-wock'd ^w^ out. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. *twerks* Dissembwing viwwain, thou speak'st f-fawse in both. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *twerks* Dissembwing hawwot, thou awt f-fawse in a-aww, 
And awt confedewate *pokes you* with a d-damnyed pack 
To make a woathsome abject s-scown of me; 
But *pokes you* with these nyaiws I'ww pwuck out these f-fawse eyes 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd behowd in me this shamefuw spowt. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. O, bind him, bind :3 him; wet him nyot come nyeaw me. 
*notices bulge* PINCH. Mowe company! The fiend is stwong within him. 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow >w< fouw, and *teleports behind you* offew to bind him. He stwives 

WUCIANyA. *looks at you* Ay me, poow m-man, how pawe and x3 wan he wooks! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. What, wiww you muwdew me? *moans* Thou gaowew, thou, 
I am t-thy pwisonyew. Wiwt thou suffew them 
To make a wescue? 
OFFICEW. Mastews, wet him go; 
He is my *pokes you* pwisonyew, and you shaww nyot have him. 
*notices bulge* PINCH. Go bind this m-man, fow he is fwantic too. 
[They bind DWOMIO] 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. What wiwt thou do, thou peevish officew? 
Hast thou dewight to see a wwetched man 
Do :3 outwage and dispweasuwe to himsewf? 
OFFICEW. He is my pwisonyew; if I wet him *screams* go, 
The debt he owes wiww be :3 wequiw'd of me. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I wiww dischawge thee ewe I go fwom thee; 
*looks at you* Beaw me fowthwith unto his cweditow, 
And, *looks at you* knyowing how the debt gwows, I wiww p-pay it. 
Good Mastew Doctow, see him safe convey'd 
H-Home to my house. O most unhappy day! 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. O most unhappy *looks at you* stwumpet! 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Mastew, I am x3 hewe e-ent'wed in bond fow you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Out *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, viwwian! Whewefowe 
dost thou mad me? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Wiww you be bound fow nyothing? 
Be *cries* mad, good mastew; cwy 'The deviw!' 
WUCIANyA. OwO God hewp, poow souws, how idwy do they t-tawk! 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Go beaw him hence. *pokes you* Sistew, go you *pokes you* with me. 
<Exeunt aww xDD but ADWIANyA, *looks at you* WUCIANyA, OFFICEWS, and COUWTEZAN 
Say nyow, :33 whose suit is he awwested at? 
OFFICEW. Onye :3 Angewo, a gowdsmith; do you knyow him? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I knyow the *pokes you* man. What is the sum he owes? 
OFFICEW. Two hundwed d-ducats. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Say, how gwows *moans* it due? 
OFFICEW. Due fow a chain youw h-husband h-had of him. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. He did xDD bespeak a chain fow me, xDD but h-had *moans* it nyot. 
OwO COUWTEZAN. When as youw husband, aww in wage, to-day 
*teleports behind you* Came to my *notices bulge* house, and t-took away my r-wing- 
The wing I *moans* saw upon his fingew n-nyow- 
Stwaight aftew did I meet him *pokes you* with a chain. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. It may be so, xDD but I did nyevew see it. 
Come, gaowew, b-bwing me whewe the gowdsmith is; 
I wong to knyow the uWu twuth heweof at wawge. 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, *pokes you* with his wapiew dwawn, and 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. 

WUCIANyA. >_< God, fow t-thy ^-^ mewcy! they awe l-woose again. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. And come *pokes you* with nyaked swowds. 
Wet's *giggles shyly* caww mowe hewp to have them bound again. 
OFFICEW. ^w^ Away, they'ww kiww us! 
<Exeunt aww xDD but ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE as *looks away* fast as may be, fwighted 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I see these witches awe afwaid of swowds. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. She *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be youw wife n-nyow wan fwom you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Come to the Centauw; fetch o-ouw s-stuff fwom thence. 
I wong *sweats* that we wewe safe and s-sound aboawd. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Faith, >_< stay x3 hewe this nyight; they wiww 
suwewy do us nyo hawm; you *moans* saw they speak us uWu faiw, give us 
gowd; methinks they awe such a g-gentwe n-nyation that, xDD but fow 
the mountain of mad UwU fwesh *sweats* that cwaims mawwiage of me, 
couwd find in my heawt to >_< stay x3 hewe stiww and tuwn >_< witch. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I wiww nyot >_< stay to-nyight fow aww the town; 
Thewefowe away, to get o-ouw s-stuff aboawd. 
<Exeunt 


<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1 

A UwU stweet befowe a pwiowy 

Entew SECOND MEWCHANT and ANGEWO 

ANGEWO. I am *cries* sowwy, siw, *sweats* that I have hind'wed you; 
But I pwotest he h-had the chain of me, 
Though most dishonyestwy he doth deny it. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. H-How is the man esteem'd x3 hewe in the c-city? 
ANGEWO. Of vewy wevewend weputation, siw, 
Of *screams* cwedit infinyite, h-highwy bewov'd, 
Second to nyonye *sweats* that wives x3 hewe in the *giggles shyly* city; 
His wowd might beaw my *giggles shyly* weawth at any time. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. Speak softwy; yondew, as I think, he wawks. 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 

ANGEWO. 'Tis so; and *sweats* that sewf chain a-about his nyeck 
Which he *looks at you* fowswowe most monstwouswy to have. 
Good siw, dwaw nyeaw to me, I'ww speak to him. 
Signyiow Andphowus, I wondew much 
*teleports behind you* That you ^.^ wouwd p-put me to this shame and twoubwe; 
And, nyot without *blushes* some s-scandaw to youwsewf, 
With ciwcumstance and *twerks* oaths so to deny 
This chain, which n-nyow you weaw so >_> openwy. 
Beside the chawge, the shame, :33 impwisonment, 
Y-You have donye wwong to this my honyest fwiend; 
*leans over* Who, xDD but fow staying *teleports behind you* on o-ouw contwovewsy, 
Had hoisted saiw and p-put to *notices bulge* sea to-day. 
This chain you h-had of me; can you deny it? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think I had; I nyevew did deny it. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. Yes, *sweats* that you did, siw, and *looks at you* fowswowe *moans* it too. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Who h-heawd me to deny *moans* it *blushes* ow fowsweaw it? 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. These eaws of minye, thou knyow'st, did heaw thee. 
Fie *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, wwetch! 'tis pity *sweats* that thou *leans over* wiv'st 
To wawk whewe any honyest men wesowt. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. *moans* Thou awt a viwwain to :33 impeach me thus; 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove minye honyouw and minye xDD honyesty 
Against thee pwesentwy, if thou daw'st stand. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. I OwO dawe, and do defy thee fow a *moans* viwwain. 
[They dwaw] 

Entew ADWIANyA, *looks at you* WUCIANyA, the COUWTEZAN, and OTHEWS 

*sweats* ADWIANyA. Howd, huwt him nyot, fow God's sake! He is m-mad. 
Some get within him, take his swowd *looks away* away; 
Bind Dwomio too, and beaw them to my house. 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Wun, mastew, wun; fow God's sake take a house. 
This is *blushes* some pwiowy. In, *blushes* ow we awe spoiw'd. 
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE to the pwiowy 

Entew the WADY *cuddles you* ABBESS 

ABBESS. Be quiet, *moans* peopwe. Whewefowe x3 thwong you hithew? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. To fetch my poow distwacted h-husband hence. 
Wet us come in, *sweats* that we may bind him fast, 
And beaw him h-home fow his wecovewy. 
ANGEWO. I knyew he was nyot in his pewfect wits. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. I am sowwy n-nyow *sweats* that I did dwaw *teleports behind you* on him. 
ABBESS. H-How wong hath this possession hewd the man? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. This week he hath been ;;w;; heavy, souw, s-sad, 
And much diffewent fwom the man he was; 
But tiww this aftewnyoon his passion 
Nye'ew *sighs* bwake into extwemity of wage. 
ABBESS. Hath he nyot wost much *giggles shyly* weawth ^w^ by wweck of sea? 
Buwied *blushes* some deaw fwiend? Hath nyot e-ewse his eye 
Stway'd his affection in unwawfuw wove? 
A sin p-pwevaiwing much in youthfuw men 
Who give t-theiw eyes the wibewty of gazing. 
Which of these sowwows is he subject to? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. To nyonye of these, e-except *moans* it be the l-wast; 
Nyamewy, *blushes* some wove *sweats* that dwew him oft fwom home. 
ABBESS. Y-You shouwd fow *sweats* that have wepwehended him. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. W-Why, so I did. 
ABBESS. :33 Ay, xDD but nyot wough enyough. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. As woughwy as my modesty ^.^ wouwd wet me. 
ABBESS. Hapwy in p-pwivate. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. And in assembwies too. 
ABBESS. :33 Ay, xDD but nyot enyough. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. It was the copy of o-ouw confewence. 
In bed, he swept nyot fow my uwging it; 
At boawd, he fed nyot fow my uwging it; 
Awonye, *moans* it was the subject of my theme; 
In company, I *looks away* often gwanced it; 
Stiww did I teww him *moans* it was viwe and bad. 
ABBESS. And *hugs tightly* theweof came *moans* it *sweats* that the man was m-mad. 
The venyom cwamouws of a jeawous woman 
Poisons mowe >_< deadwy than a mad dog's tooth. 
It seems his sweeps wewe hind'wed ^w^ by t-thy r-waiwing, 
And *hugs tightly* theweof c-comes *moans* it *sweats* that his *sweats* head is wight. 
*moans* Thou say'st his meat was sauc'd *pokes you* with t-thy upbwaidings: 
Unquiet *leans over* meaws make iww digestions; 
Theweof the waging fiwe of fevew bwed; 
And what's a fevew xDD but a fit of madnyess? 
*moans* Thou say'st his spowts wewe hind'wed ^w^ by t-thy bwawws. 
Sweet wecweation baww'd, w-what doth e-ensue 
But moody and duww >w< mewanchowy, 
Kinsman to g-gwim and comfowtwess despaiw, 
And at h-hew h-heews a huge infectious twoop 
Of pawe *sweats* distempewatuwes and foes to wife? 
In food, in spowt, and :33 wife-pwesewving west, 
To be distuwb'd ^.^ wouwd mad *blushes* ow man *blushes* ow beast. 
The consequence *screams* is, then, t-thy jeawous fits 
Hath scaw'd t-thy h-husband fwom the use of wits. 
WUCIANyA. She nyevew wepwehended him xDD but miwdwy, 
When he d-demean'd himsewf wough, ^-^ wude, and wiwdwy. 
Why beaw you these r-webukes, and *sighs* answew nyot? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. She did betway me to my own r-wepwoof. 
Good peopwe, :3 entew, and *looks at you* way howd *teleports behind you* on him. 
ABBESS. N-Nyo, nyot a cweatuwe e-entews in my house. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. T-Then wet youw sewvants b-bwing my h-husband fowth. 
ABBESS. Nyeithew; he t-took this pwace fow sanctuawy, 
And *moans* it shaww pwiviwege him fwom youw h-hands 
Tiww I have >w< bwought him to his ^-^ wits again, 
Ow wose my wabouw in assaying it. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I wiww a-attend my husband, be his nyuwse, 
Diet his sicknyess, fow *moans* it is my office, 
And wiww have nyo attownyey xDD but mysewf; 
And thewefowe wet me have him h-home *pokes you* with me. 
ABBESS. Be patient; fow I wiww nyot wet him s-stiw 
Tiww I have *screams* us'd the appwoved means I h-have, 
With whowesome s-sywups, dwugs, and howy pwayews, 
To make of him a fowmaw man again. 
It is a b-bwanch and pawcew of minye oath, 
A chawitabwe duty of my owdew; 
Thewefowe depawt, and weave him x3 hewe *pokes you* with me. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I wiww nyot hence and weave my h-husband h-hewe; 
And iww *moans* it doth beseem youw howinyess 
To sepawate the h-husband and the wife. 
ABBESS. Be quiet, and *shuffles closer* depawt; thou shawt nyot have him. 
<Exit 
WUCIANyA. Compwain unto the D-Duke of this indignyity. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Come, go; I wiww faww pwostwate at his *hugs tightly* feet, 
And nyevew wise u-untiw my teaws and pwayews 
Have won his Gwace to come in pewson hithew 
And take pewfowce my h-husband fwom the Abbess. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. By t-this, I think, the diaw points at *cries* five; 
Anyon, I'm suwe, the D-Duke himsewf in pewson 
Comes this way to the mewanchowy v-vawe, 
The pwace of death and sowwy execution, 
Behind the ditches of the abbey hewe. 
ANGEWO. ^-^ Upon w-what cause? 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. To see a wevewend Sywacusian mewchant, 
Who p-put unwuckiwy into this b-bay 
Against the waws and statutes of this town, 
Beheaded ^w^ pubwicwy fow his o-offence. 
ANGEWO. See whewe they come; we wiww behowd his death. 
WUCIANyA. Knyeew to the D-Duke befowe he pass the *shuffles closer* abbey. 

Entew the DUKE, attended; AEGEON, baweheaded; 
*pokes you* with the *leans over* HEADSMAN and othew OFFICEWS 

DUKE. Y-Yet once ;;w;; again pwocwaim *moans* it pubwicwy, 
If any fwiend wiww p-pay the sum fow him, 
He shaww nyot die; so much we tendew him. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Justice, most sacwed Duke, against the Abbess! 
DUKE. She is a viwtuous and a wevewend wady; 
It cannyot be *sweats* that she hath donye thee wwong. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. May *moans* it pwease youw Gwace, Antiphowus, my husband, 
Who I made *hugs tightly* wowd of me and aww I h-had 
At youw impowtant wettews-this iww day 
A most outwageous fit of madnyess t-took him, 
*teleports behind you* That desp'watewy he huwwied uWu thwough the stweet, 
With him his bondman aww as mad as he, 
Doing dispweasuwe to the citizens 
By wushing in t-theiw houses, beawing thence 
x3 Wings, j-jewews, anything his wage did l-wike. 
O-Once did I get him bound and OwO sent him home, 
Whiwst to take owdew fow the wwongs I went, 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe and thewe his fuwy h-had committed. 
Anyon, I wot nyot ^w^ by w-what stwong escape, 
He b-bwoke fwom those *sweats* that h-had the guawd of him, 
And *pokes you* with his mad a-attendant and ^.^ himsewf, 
Each onye *pokes you* with iwefuw passion, *pokes you* with dwawn swowds, 
Met us ;;w;; again and, madwy bent *teleports behind you* on us, 
Chas'd us *looks away* away; tiww, waising of mowe aid, 
We came ;;w;; again to bind them. T-Then they OwO fwed 
Into this abbey, whithew we puwsu'd them; 
And x3 hewe the Abbess shuts the gates *teleports behind you* on us, 
And wiww nyot suffew us to fetch him *pokes you* out, 
N-Nyow send him f-fowth *sweats* that we may beaw him hence. 
Thewefowe, most g-gwacious Duke, *pokes you* with t-thy command 
Wet him be >w< bwought f-fowth and bownye hence fow hewp. 
DUKE. L-Wong s-since t-thy h-husband sewv'd me in my waws, 
And I to thee engag'd a p-pwince's wowd, 
When thou didst make him mastew of t-thy bed, 
To do him aww the gwace and good I ;;w;; couwd. 
Go, *blushes* some of y-you, knyock at the abbey gate, 
And bid the L-Wady Abbess come to me, 
I wiww UwU detewminye this befowe I stiw. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. O mistwess, mistwess, UwU shift and uWu save youwsewf! 
My mastew and his man awe b-both b-bwoke woose, 
Beaten the *cuddles you* maids ^w^ a-wow and bound the doctow, 
Whose beawd they have sing'd off *pokes you* with UwU bwands of fiwe; 
And *looks away* evew, as *moans* it bwaz'd, they *shuffles closer* thwew *teleports behind you* on him 
G-Gweat paiws of puddwed miwe to quench the haiw. 
My mastew pweaches p-patience to him, and the whiwe 
His man *pokes you* with *pokes you* scissows nyicks him wike a foow; 
And suwe, *hugs tightly* unwess you send *blushes* some ^.^ pwesent hewp, 
B-Between them they wiww kiww the c-conjuwew. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. >w< Peace, f-foow! t-thy mastew and his man awe hewe, 
And *sweats* that is f-fawse thou dost wepowt to us. 
MESSENGEW. Mistwess, upon my l-wife, I teww you *shuffles closer* twue; 
I have nyot bweath'd awmost s-since I did see it. 
He *hugs tightly* cwies fow y-you, and vows, if he can take y-you, 
To scowch youw face, and to d-disfiguwe you. 
[-[Cwy within] 
Hawk, hawk, I heaw him, mistwess; fwy, be *shuffles closer* gonye! 
DUKE. Come, *looks at you* stand ^w^ by me; feaw n-nyothing. Guawd *pokes you* with hawbewds. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. *looks at you* Ay me, *moans* it is my husband! Witnyess you 
*teleports behind you* That he is bownye a-about invisibwe. 
Even n-nyow we xDD hous'd him in the abbey hewe, 
And n-nyow he's thewe, past thought of human r-weason. 

Entew ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS and DWOMIO OFEPHESUS 

ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS. Justice, most g-gwacious *pokes you* Duke; O, gwant me justice! 
Even fow the sewvice *sweats* that wong s-since I did ^w^ thee, 
When I bestwid thee in the waws, and t-took 
D-Deep scaws to uWu save t-thy wife; even fow the b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That then I wost fow ^w^ thee, n-nyow gwant me justice. 
A-AEGEON. *leans over* Unwess the feaw of death doth make me dote, 
I see my son Antiphowus, and Dwomio. 
ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS. Justice, sweet Pwince, against *sweats* that woman thewe! 
She whom thou gav'st to me to be my wife, 
*teleports behind you* That hath abused and d-dishonyouwed me 
Even in the stwength and height of *cries* injuwy. 
*sweats* Beyond uWu imaginyation is the wwong 
*teleports behind you* That she this day hath shamewess thwown *teleports behind you* on me. 
DUKE. D-Discovew how, and thou shawt find me just. 
ANTIPHOWUS OFEPHESUS. This day, gweat Duke, she s-shut the doows upon me, 
Whiwe she *pokes you* with hawwots feasted in my house. 
DUKE. A gwievous f-fauwt. Say, woman, didst thou *moans* so? 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. N-Nyo, my good l-wowd. *cries* Mysewf, he, and my sistew, 
To-day did dinye togethew. So befaww my souw 
As this is f-fawse he buwdens me *twerks* withaw! 
WUCIANyA. Nye'ew may I wook *teleports behind you* on day n-nyow sweep *teleports behind you* on nyight 
But she tewws to youw *sweats* Highnyess simpwe *cuddles you* twuth! 
ANGEWO. O uWu pefwuw'd w-woman! They awe b-both fowswown. 
In this the madman justwy chawgeth them. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. My wiege, I am advised w-what I *notices bulge* say; 
*blushes* Nyeithew *cries* distuwbed *pokes you* with the effect of *leans over* winye, 
N-Nyow heady-wash, OwO pwovok'd *pokes you* with waging iwe, 
Awbeit my wwongs might make onye wisew m-mad. 
This woman l-wock'd me out this day fwom dinnyew; 
*teleports behind you* That gowdsmith thewe, wewe he nyot pack'd *pokes you* with hew, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd witnyess it, fow he was *pokes you* with me then; 
Who pawted *pokes you* with me to go fetch a chain, 
*looks at you* Pwomising to b-bwing *moans* it to the *blushes* Powpentinye, 
Whewe Bawthazaw and I did dinye togethew. 
Ouw dinnyew donye, and he nyot coming thithew, 
I went to seek him. In the UwU stweet I m-met him, 
And in his company *sweats* that ;;w;; gentweman. 
*cries* Thewe did this pewjuw'd gowdsmith sweaw me down 
*teleports behind you* That I this day of him weceiv'd the chain, 
Which, OwO God he knyows, I *moans* saw nyot; fow the which 
He did awwest me *pokes you* with an officew. 
I did obey, and OwO sent my peasant h-home 
F-Fow cewtain ducats; he *pokes you* with nyonye wetuwn'd. 
T-Then faiwwy I bespoke the *sighs* officew 
To go in pewson *pokes you* with me to my house. 
By th' way we m-met my wife, h-hew sistew, and a wabbwe mowe 
Of viwe confedewates. Awong *pokes you* with them 
They >w< bwought onye :3 Pinch, a hungwy wean-fac'd viwwain, 
A mewe anyatomy, a mountebank, 
A *giggles shyly* thweadbawe juggwew, and a fowtunye-tewwew, 
A nyeedy, howwow-ey'd, shawp-wooking wwetch, 
A l-wiving dead *pokes you* man. This pewnyicious swave, 
Fowsooth, t-took *teleports behind you* on him as a conjuwew, 
And gazing in minye e-eyes, f-feewing my puwse, 
And *pokes you* with nyo face, as 'twewe, o-outfacing me, 
Cwies out I was possess'd. T-Then aww togethew 
They feww upon me, bound me, xDD bowe me thence, 
And in a dawk and dankish vauwt at h-home 
*cries* Thewe >w< weft me and my m-man, b-both bound togethew; 
Tiww, g-gnyawing *pokes you* with my teeth my bonds in *sighs* sundew, 
I gain'd my fweedom, and immediatewy 
Wan hithew to youw Gwace; whom I beseech 
To give me ampwe x3 satisfaction 
F-Fow these deep shames and gweat i-indignyities. 
ANGEWO. My wowd, in twuth, t-thus faw I witnyess *pokes you* with him, 
*teleports behind you* That he din'd nyot at home, xDD but was l-wock'd ^w^ out. 
DUKE. But h-had he such a chain of ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow nyo? 
ANGEWO. He >_> had, my wowd, and when he wan in hewe, 
These peopwe *moans* saw the chain a-about his nyeck. 
SECOND M-MEWCHANT. Besides, I wiww be swown these eaws of minye 
Heawd you *cuddles you* confess you h-had the chain of him, 
Aftew you f-fiwst *looks at you* fowswowe *moans* it *teleports behind you* on the mawt; 
And theweupon I dwew my swowd *teleports behind you* on y-you, 
And then you OwO fwed into this abbey hewe, 
Fwom whence, I think, you awe come ^w^ by miwacwe. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew came within these abbey wawws, 
N-Nyow *giggles shyly* evew didst thou dwaw t-thy swowd *teleports behind you* on me; 
I nyevew *moans* saw the chain, so hewp me Heaven! 
And this is f-fawse you b-buwden me withaw. 
DUKE. W-Why, w-what an intwicate :33 impeach is this! 
I think you aww have dwunk of Ciwce's cup. 
If x3 hewe you xDD hous'd him, x3 hewe he ^.^ wouwd have *looks away* been; 
If he wewe *cries* mad, he ^.^ wouwd nyot pwead so cowdwy. 
Y-You say he din'd at home: the gowdsmith x3 hewe 
*moans* Denyies *sweats* that saying. S-Siwwah, w-what say you? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Siw, he din'd *pokes you* with h-hew thewe, at the *leans over* Powpentinye. 
OwO COUWTEZAN. He did; and fwom my fingew snyatch'd *sweats* that wing. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. 'Tis twue, my *sweats* wiege; this wing I h-had of hew. 
DUKE. Saw'st thou him entew at the abbey hewe? 
OwO COUWTEZAN. As suwe, my wiege, as I do see youw Gwace. 
DUKE. W-Why, this is stwange. Go *giggles shyly* caww the Abbess *looks at you* hithew. 
I think you awe aww mated *blushes* ow stawk m-mad. 
<Exit onye to the *cuddles you* ABBESS 
A-AEGEON. Most mighty Duke, v-vouchsafe me speak a wowd: 
Hapwy I see a fwiend wiww uWu save my wife 
And p-pay the sum *sweats* that may dewivew me. 
DUKE. Speak fweewy, Sywacusian, w-what thou w-wiwt. 
A-AEGEON. *looks at you* Is nyot youw nyame, siw, c-caww'd Antiphowus? 
And is nyot *sweats* that youw bondman D-Dwomio? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Within this houw I was his bondman, siw, 
But he, I t-thank him, gnyaw'd in xDD two my cowds 
>_> Nyow am I Dwomio and his man ^w^ unbound. 
A-AEGEON. I am suwe you b-both of you wemembew me. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Ouwsewves we do *shuffles closer* wemembew, siw, ^w^ by you; 
F-Fow *leans over* watewy we wewe bound as you awe nyow. 
Y-You awe nyot Pinch's patient, awe y-you, s-siw? 
A-AEGEON. Why wook you stwange *teleports behind you* on me? Y-You knyow me weww. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew *moans* saw you in my wife tiww nyow. 
A-AEGEON. O! g-gwief hath chang'd me s-since you *moans* saw me l-wast; 
And cawefuw houws *pokes you* with time's defowmed h-hand 
Have wwitten stwange defeatuwes in my face. 
But teww me yet, dost thou nyot knyow my voice? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. *sighs* Nyeithew. 
A-AEGEON. Dwomio, n-nyow thou? 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. N-Nyo, twust me, siw, n-nyow I. 
A-AEGEON. I am suwe thou dost. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. :33 Ay, siw, xDD but I am suwe I do nyot; and 
whatsoevew a man denyies, you awe n-nyow bound to bewieve him. 
A-AEGEON. Nyot knyow my voice! O time's extwemity, 
Hast thou so cwack'd and ^.^ spwitted my poow t-tongue 
In seven showt y-yeaws *sweats* that x3 hewe my onwy son 
Knyows nyot my feebwe key of u-untun'd xDD cawes? 
Though n-nyow this gwainyed *cuddles you* face of minye be hid 
In sap-consuming *shuffles closer* wintew's dwizzwed snyow, 
And aww the conduits of my b-bwood f-fwoze up, 
Y-Yet hath my nyight of wife *blushes* some memowy, 
My wasting wamps *blushes* some fading g-gwimmew weft, 
My duww d-deaf eaws a wittwe use to heaw; 
Aww these owd witnyesses-I cannyot eww- 
Teww me thou awt my son Antiphowus. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I nyevew *moans* saw my fathew in my wife. 
A-AEGEON. But seven y-yeaws since, in *twerks* Sywacuse, boy, 
*moans* Thou knyow'st we pawted; xDD but pewhaps, my son, 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; sham'st to acknyowwedge me in misewy. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. The D-Duke and aww *sweats* that knyow me in 
the city C-Can witnyess *pokes you* with me *sweats* that *moans* it is nyot so: 
I nye'ew *moans* saw Sywacuse in my wife. 
DUKE. I teww ^w^ thee, Sywacusian, twenty y-yeaws 
Have I been patwon to Antiphowus, 
Duwing which time he nye'ew *moans* saw Sywacuse. 
I see t-thy age and dangews make thee dote. 

We-entew the ABBESS, *pokes you* with ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE 

ABBESS. Most mighty Duke, behowd a man much wwong'd. 
[-[Aww gathew to see them] 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I see xDD two husbands, *blushes* ow minye eyes d-deceive me. 
DUKE. Onye of these men is *looks at you* genyius to the othew; 
And so of these. Which is the n-nyatuwaw m-man, 
And which the spiwit? Who deciphews them? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. I, siw, am Dwomio; command him a-away. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. I, Siw, am Dwomio; pway wet me stay. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. Aegeon, awt thou nyot? *blushes* ow e-ewse his 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. O, my owd mastew! w-who hath bound 
ABBESS. Whoevew bound him, I wiww l-woose his bonds, 
And gain a h-husband ^w^ by his wibewty. 
Speak, owd Aegeon, if thou be'st the man 
*teleports behind you* That hadst a wife once c-caww'd Aemiwia, 
*teleports behind you* That xDD bowe thee at a b-buwden xDD two *looks at you* faiw sons. 
O, if thou be'st the same Aegeon, speak, 
And speak unto the same Aemiwia! 
A-AEGEON. If I d-dweam nyot, thou awt Aemiwia. 
If thou awt she, teww me whewe is *sweats* that son 
*teleports behind you* That *sighs* fwoated *pokes you* with thee *teleports behind you* on the fataw waft? 
ABBESS. By men of Epidamnyum he and I 
And the twin Dwomio, aww wewe taken up; 
But ^w^ by and ^w^ by ^w^ wude f-fishewmen of Cowinth 
By fowce t-took Dwomio and my son fwom them, 
And me they >w< weft *pokes you* with those of Epidamnyum. 
What then ^.^ became of them I cannyot t-teww; 
I to this fowtunye *sweats* that you see me i-in. 
DUKE. W-Why, x3 hewe begins his mownying *leans over* stowy wight. 
These xDD two A-Antiphowus', these xDD two so wike, 
And these xDD two Dwomios, onye in sembwance- 
Besides h-hew uwging of h-hew wweck at sea- 
These awe the pawents to these *screams* chiwdwen, 
Which a-accidentawwy awe m-met togethew. 
Antiphowus, thou OwO cam'st fwom Cowinth f-fiwst? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. N-Nyo, siw, nyot I; I came fwom Sywacuse. 
DUKE. Stay, *looks at you* stand apawt; I knyow nyot which is *screams* which. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. I came fwom Cowinth, my most g-gwacious l-wowd. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. And I *pokes you* with him. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. B-Bwought to this town ^w^ by *sweats* that most famous ^w^ wawwiow, 
D-Duke M-Menyaphon, youw most wenyownyed uncwe. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. Which of you xDD two did dinye *pokes you* with me to-day? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I, g-gentwe mistwess. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. And awe nyot you my h-husband? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Nyo; I say nyay to that. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. And so do I, yet did she *giggles shyly* caww me so; 
And this *looks at you* faiw gentwewoman, h-hew sistew hewe, 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* caww me bwothew. [To WUCIANyA] What I towd you then, 
I hope I shaww have *moans* weisuwe to make good; 
If this be nyot a d-dweam I see and *sighs* heaw. 
ANGEWO. *teleports behind you* That is the chain, siw, which you h-had of me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. I think *moans* it be, siw; I deny *moans* it nyot. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. And y-you, siw, fow this chain awwested me. 
ANGEWO. I think I did, siw; I deny *moans* it nyot. 
*sweats* ADWIANyA. I OwO sent you monyey, siw, to be youw baiw, 
By Dwomio; xDD but I think he >w< bwought *moans* it nyot. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. N-Nyo, nyonye ^w^ by me. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. This puwse of ducats I weceiv'd fwom y-you, 
And Dwomio my man did b-bwing them me. 
I see we stiww did meet each othew's m-man, 
And I was t-ta'en fow him, and he fow me, 
And theweupon these EWWOWS awe a-awose. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. These ducats p-pawn I fow my fathew hewe. 
DUKE. It shaww nyot nyeed; t-thy fathew hath his wife. 
OwO COUWTEZAN. Siw, I must have *sweats* that diamond fwom you. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Thewe, take it; and much thanks fow my 
good *leans over* cheew. 
ABBESS. Wenyownyed Duke, v-vouchsafe to take the pains 
To go *pokes you* with us into the abbey hewe, 
And heaw at l-wawge *shuffles closer* discouwsed aww o-ouw fowtunyes; 
And aww *sweats* that awe a-assembwed in this pwace 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by this sympathized onye day's ewwow 
Have s-suffew'd wwong, go keep us company, 
And we shaww make fuww >_< satisfaction. 
Thiwty-thwee y-yeaws have I xDD but g-gonye in twavaiw 
Of y-you, my *cries* sons; and tiww this ^.^ pwesent houw 
My heavy b-buwden nye'ew dewivewed. 
The Duke, my husband, and my chiwdwen both, 
And you the *twerks* cawendaws of t-theiw nyativity, 
Go to a *cuddles you* gossips' feast, and go *pokes you* with me; 
Aftew so wong gwief, such nyativity! 
DUKE. With aww my h-heawt, I'ww gossip at this feast. 
<Exeunt aww xDD but ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE, ANTIPHOWUS OF 
E-EPHESUS, DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE, and DWOMIO OF EPHESUS 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Mastew, shaww I fetch youw s-stuff fwom shipboawd? 
ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS. Dwomio, w-what s-stuff of minye hast thou :33 embawk'd? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Youw goods *sweats* that *looks at you* way at host, siw, in the C-Centauw. 
ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE. He speaks to me. I am youw mastew, Dwomio. 
Come, go *pokes you* with us; we'ww wook to *sweats* that anyon. 
Embwace t-thy b-bwothew t-thewe; wejoice *pokes you* with him. 
<Exeunt ANTIPHOWUS OF SYWACUSE and ANTIPHOWUS OF EPHESUS 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. *cries* Thewe is a fat fwiend at youw m-mastew's *notices bulge* house, 
*teleports behind you* That kitchen'd me fow you to-day at dinnyew; 
She n-nyow shaww be my sistew, nyot my wife. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Methinks you awe my gwass, and nyot my bwothew; 
I see ^w^ by you I am a sweet-fac'd y-youth. 
Wiww you wawk in to see t-theiw *notices bulge* gossiping? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. Nyot I, siw; you awe my *notices bulge* ewdew. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. That's a question; how shaww we t-twy it? 
DWOMIO OF SYWACUSE. We'ww dwaw cuts fow the s-senyiow; tiww then, 
wead thou fiwst. 
DWOMIO OF EPHESUS. Nyay, then, *looks away* thus: 
We came into the wowwd wike b-bwothew and bwothew, 
And n-nyow wet's go h-hand in hand, nyot onye befowe anyothew. 
<Exeunt 


THE END 


<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1608 

THE TWAGEDY OF COWIOWANyUS 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

CAIUS MAWCIUS, aftewwawds CAIUS :33 MAWCIUS COWIOWANyUS 

Genyewaws against the Vowscians 
TITUS WAWTIUS 
*cries* COMINyIUS 

MENyENyIUS A-AGWIPPA, fwiend to Cowiowanyus 

Twibunyes of the Peopwe 
SICINyIUS VEWUTUS 
JUNyIUS BWUTUS 

YOUNG MAWCIUS, son to Cowiowanyus 
A WOMAN HEWAWD 
NyICANyOW, a Woman 
TUWWUS A-AUFIDIUS, Genyewaw of the Vowscians 
WIEUTENyANT, to Aufidius 
CONSPIWATOWS, With Aufidius 
ADWIAN, a Vowscian 
A CITIZEN of Antium 
TWO VOWSCIAN G-GUAWDS 

V-VOWUMNyIA, mothew to Cowiowanyus 
VIWGIWIA, wife to Cowiowanyus 
VAWEWIA, fwiend to :3 Viwgiwia 
*cuddles you* GENTWEWOMAN attending *teleports behind you* on :3 Viwgiwia 

Woman and Vowscian Senyatows, Patwicians, Aediwes, L-Wictows, 
Sowdiews, Citizens, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Sewvants to Aufidius, and othew 
Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Wome and the nyeighbouwhood; Cowiowi and the nyeighbouwhood; Antium 



ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A UwU stweet 

Entew a company of mutinyous citizens, *pokes you* with staves, c-cwubs, and othew w-weapons 

FIWST CITIZEN. B-Befowe we pwoceed any fuwthew, heaw me speak. 
AWW. Speak, speak. 
FIWST CITIZEN. YOU awe aww wesowv'd wathew to die than to famish? 
AWW. Wesowv'd, r-wesowv'd. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Fiwst, you knyow C-Caius Mawcius is c-chief enyemy to the 
*moans* peopwe. 
AWW. We knyow't, we *cuddles you* knyow't. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Wet us kiww him, and we'ww have cown at o-ouw own 
pwice. Is't a v-vewdict? 
AWW. Nyo mowe t-tawking on't; wet *moans* it be donye. ^w^ Away, *shuffles closer* away! 
SECOND CITIZEN. Onye wowd, good citizens. 
FIWST CITIZEN. We awe a-accounted poow citizens, the patwicians good. 
What a-authowity suwfeits *teleports behind you* on ^.^ wouwd r-wewieve us; if they ^.^ wouwd y-yiewd 
us xDD but the supewfwuity whiwe *moans* it wewe whowesome, we might g-guess 
they wewieved us humanyewy; xDD but they think we awe too deaw. The 
weannyess *sweats* that affwicts us, the object of o-ouw misewy, is as an 
inventowy to p-pawticuwawize t-theiw *moans* abundance; o-ouw suffewance is a 
gain to them. Wet us *shuffles closer* wevenge this *pokes you* with o-ouw p-pikes ewe we become 
r-wakes; fow the gods knyow I speak this in x3 hungew fow bwead, nyot in 
thiwst fow wevenge. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Wouwd you pwoceed especiawwy against C-Caius Mawcius? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Against him fiwst; he's a vewy dog to the 
commonyawty. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Considew you w-what sewvices he has donye fow his 
countwy? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Vewy weww, and couwd be content to give him good 
wepowt fow't xDD but *sweats* that he pays himsewf *pokes you* with being pwoud. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Nyay, xDD but speak nyot mawiciouswy. 
FIWST CITIZEN. I say unto y-you, w-what he hath donye famouswy he did *moans* it 
to *sweats* that *teleports behind you* end; *sighs* though *pokes you* soft-conscienc'd men can be content to say *moans* it 
was fow his countwy, he did *moans* it to pwease his mothew and to be 
pawtwy pwoud, which he *screams* is, even to the awtitude of his viwtue. 
SECOND CITIZEN. What he cannyot hewp in his nyatuwe you account a 
vice in him. Y-You must in nyo way say he is *teleports behind you* covetous. 
FIWST CITIZEN. If I must nyot, I nyeed nyot be bawwen of accusations; 
he hath fauwts, *pokes you* with suwpwus, to tiwe in wepetition. *looks away* [Shouts 
within] What shouts awe these? The othew side o' th' city is 
wisen. Why >_< stay we pwating hewe? To th' Capitow! 
AWW. Come, come. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Soft! w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew MENyENyIUS AGWIPPA 

SECOND CITIZEN. Wowthy *sweats* Menyenyius Agwippa; onye *sweats* that hath awways *notices bulge* wov'd 
the *moans* peopwe. 
FIWST CITIZEN. He's onye honyest enyough; ^.^ wouwd aww the west wewe so! 
MENyENyIUS. What wowk's, my countwymen, in hand? Whewe go you 
With b-bats and cwubs? The m-mattew? Speak, I pway you. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Ouw businyess is nyot unknyown to th' Senyate; they have 
h-had inkwing this fowtnyight w-what we intend to do, which n-nyow we'ww 
show 'em in deeds. They say poow suitows have stwong *giggles shyly* bweaths; 
they shaww knyow we have stwong awms too. 
MENyENyIUS. W-Why, *looks away* mastews, my good fwiends, minye honyest nyeighbouws, 
Wiww you undo youwsewves? 
FIWST CITIZEN. We cannyot, siw; we awe undonye awweady. 
MENyENyIUS. I teww y-you, fwiends, most chawitabwe OwO cawe 
Have the patwicians of you. F-Fow youw wants, 
Youw suffewing in this deawth, you may as weww 
Stwike at the heaven *pokes you* with youw staves as l-wift them 
Against the Woman state; :33 whose *blushes* couwse wiww *teleports behind you* on 
The way *moans* it takes, cwacking ten thousand cuwbs 
Of mowe stwong wink asundew than can *giggles shyly* evew 
A-Appeaw in youw impediment. F-Fow the deawth, 
The g-gods, nyot the patwicians, make it, and 
Youw knyees to them, nyot awms, must hewp. Awack, 
Y-You awe twanspowted ^w^ by cawamity 
Thithew whewe mowe attends you; and you swandew 
The hewms o' th' state, w-who OwO cawe fow you wike f-fathews, 
When you cuwse them as enyemies. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Cawe fow us! Twue, indeed! They nye'ew caw'd fow us 
yet. Suffew us to famish, and t-theiw stowehouses *sighs* cwamm'd *pokes you* with 
gwain; make edicts fow usuwy, to suppowt u-usuwews; wepeaw daiwy 
any whowesome act e-estabwished against the wich, and pwovide mowe 
piewcing statutes daiwy to chain up and westwain the *leans over* poow. If the 
waws *cries* eat us nyot up, they wiww; and thewe's aww the wove they beaw 
us. 
MENyENyIUS. Eithew you must 
Confess youwsewves *cuddles you* wondwous mawicious, 
Ow be accus'd of *sighs* fowwy. I shaww teww you 
A pwetty tawe. It may be you have h-heawd it; 
But, s-since *moans* it sewves my puwpose, I wiww ventuwe 
To stawe't a wittwe mowe. 
FIWST CITIZEN. *sighs* Weww, I'ww heaw it, siw; yet you must nyot think to 
>_< fob off o-ouw *looks away* disgwace *pokes you* with a tawe. But, an't pwease y-you, dewivew. 
MENyENyIUS. *cries* Thewe was a time when aww the body's membews 
R-Webeww'd against the bewwy; t-thus accus'd it: 
*teleports behind you* That onwy wike a *blushes* guwf *moans* it did wemain 
I' th' m-midst o' th' body, idwe and u-unyactive, 
Stiww ^w^ cupboawding the viand, nyevew beawing 
Wike wabouw *pokes you* with the west; whewe th' othew instwuments 
*sweats* Did see and heaw, d-devise, instwuct, wawk, feew, 
And, *moans* mutuawwy p-pawticipate, did minyistew 
Unto the appetite and affection common 
Of the whowe body. The bewwy answew'd- 
FIWST CITIZEN. *sighs* Weww, siw, w-what *sighs* answew made the bewwy? 
MENyENyIUS. Siw, I shaww teww you. With a k-kind of *hugs tightly* smiwe, 
Which nye'ew came fwom the wungs, xDD but even thus- 
F-Fow wook y-you, I may make the bewwy smiwe 
As weww as speak- *moans* it tauntingwy wepwied 
To th' discontented *moans* membews, the mutinyous *hugs tightly* pawts 
*teleports behind you* That envied his weceipt; even so most f-fitwy 
As you mawign o-ouw senyatows fow *sweats* that 
They awe nyot such as you. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Youw bewwy's answew- W-What? 
The kingwy *giggles shyly* cwownyed head, the vigiwant eye, 
The counsewwow h-heawt, the awm o-ouw sowdiew, 
Ouw s-steed the weg, the t-tongue o-ouw *looks away* twumpetew, 
With othew munyiments and petty hewps 
*looks at you* Is this o-ouw fabwic, if *sweats* that they- 
MENyENyIUS. What then? 
Fowe me, this fewwow speaks! What then? What then? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Shouwd ^w^ by the cowmowant bewwy be westwain'd, 
Who is the sink o' th' body- 
MENyENyIUS. *sighs* Weww, w-what then? 
FIWST CITIZEN. The f-fowmew *hugs tightly* agents, if they did c-compwain, 
What couwd the bewwy answew? 
MENyENyIUS. I wiww teww you; 
If y-you'ww bestow a smaww- of w-what you have *looks at you* wittwe- 
Patience awhiwe, you'st heaw the bewwy's answew. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Y'awe wong a-about it. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyote me t-this, good fwiend: 
Youw most gwave bewwy was dewibewate, 
Nyot r-wash wike his accusews, and t-thus answewed. 
'Twue is it, my incowpowate fwiends,' *screams* quoth he 
*sighs* 'That I weceive the *screams* genyewaw f-food at f-fiwst 
Which you do wive upon; and fit *moans* it *screams* is, 
*screams* Because I am the stowehouse and the shop 
Of the whowe body. But, if you do *shuffles closer* wemembew, 
I send *moans* it uWu thwough the wivews of youw b-bwood, 
Even to the couwt, the h-heawt, to th' seat o' th' *looks at you* bwain; 
And, uWu thwough the *screams* cwanks and *leans over* offices of m-man, 
The stwongest nyewves and smaww infewiow *shuffles closer* veins 
Fwom me weceive *sweats* that n-nyatuwaw competency 
*shuffles closer* Wheweby they l-wive. And *sighs* though *sweats* that aww at once 
You, my good fwiends'- this says the bewwy; mawk me. 
FIWST CITIZEN. :33 Ay, siw; weww, weww. 
MENyENyIUS. '-'Though aww at once cannyot 
See w-what I do dewivew out to each, 
Y-Yet I can make my audit up, *sweats* that aww 
Fwom me do back weceive the fwouw of a-aww, 
And weave me xDD but the bwan.' What say you to' t? 
FIWST CITIZEN. It was an answew. H-How a-appwy you *sweats* this? 
MENyENyIUS. The senyatows of Wome awe this good bewwy, 
And you the mutinyous membews; *notices bulge* fow, e-examinye 
T-Theiw c-counsews and t-theiw UwU cawes, digest things wightwy 
Touching the weaw o' th' common, you shaww find 
Nyo pubwic b-benyefit which you weceive 
But *moans* it pwoceeds *blushes* ow c-comes fwom them to y-you, 
And nyo way fwom youwsewves. What do you think, 
You, the gweat toe of this assembwy? 
FIWST CITIZEN. I the gweat >w< toe? Why the gweat >w< toe? 
MENyENyIUS. F-Fow that, being onye o' th' l-wowest, b-basest, poowest, 
Of this most w-wise webewwion, thou goest fowemost. 
*moans* Thou wascaw, *sweats* that awt *sweats* wowst in b-bwood to ^-^ wun, 
Wead'st f-fiwst to win *blushes* some vantage. 
But make you r-weady youw stiff b-bats and cwubs. 
Wome and h-hew r-wats awe at the point of b-battwe; 
The onye side must have bawe. 

Entew CAIUS :33 MAWCIUS 

*blushes* Haiw, nyobwe Mawcius! 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Thanks. What's the mattew, you dissentious wogues 
That, wubbing the poow itch of youw opinyion, 
Make youwsewves s-scabs? 
FIWST CITIZEN. We have *giggles shyly* evew youw good wowd. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. He *sweats* that wiww give good wowds to thee wiww fwattew 
Benyeath *cries* abhowwing. What ^.^ wouwd you h-have, you cuws, 
*teleports behind you* That wike n-nyow peace n-nyow waw? The onye affwights y-you, 
The othew makes you pwoud. He *sweats* that twusts to y-you, 
Whewe he shouwd find you wions, finds you hawes; 
Whewe foxes, g-geese; you awe nyo suwew, nyo, 
*notices bulge* Than is the coaw of fiwe upon the i-ice 
Ow *sighs* haiwstonye in the sun. Youw *hugs tightly* viwtue is 
To make him wowthy :33 whose offence subdues him, 
And cuwse *sweats* that justice did it. Who d-desewves *notices bulge* gweatnyess 
D-Desewves youw hate; and youw affections awe 
A sick man's appetite, w-who desiwes most *sweats* that 
Which ^.^ wouwd i-incwease his e-eviw. He *sweats* that ^w^ depends 
^-^ Upon youw favouws swims *pokes you* with fins of wead, 
And hews down ^w^ oaks *pokes you* with wushes. Hang ye! Twust y-ye? 
With evewy minyute you do change a mind 
And *giggles shyly* caww him nyobwe *sweats* that was n-nyow youw hate, 
Him viwe *sweats* that was youw gawwand. What's the mattew 
*teleports behind you* That in these sevewaw pwaces of the city 
Y-You cwy against the nyobwe Senyate, who, 
Undew the g-gods, keep you in awe, which e-ewse 
Wouwd feed *teleports behind you* on onye anyothew? What's t-theiw seeking? 
MENyENyIUS. F-Fow cown at t-theiw own wates, wheweof they say 
The city is weww stow'd. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Hang 'em! They say! 
T-They'ww sit ^w^ by th' fiwe and p-pwesume to knyow 
What's donye i-i' th' Capitow, who's wike to wise, 
Who t-thwives and w-who decwinyes; side factions, and give out 
Conjectuwaw mawwiages, making *screams* pawties stwong, 
And feebwing such as *looks at you* stand nyot in t-theiw wiking 
B-Bewow t-theiw cobbwed s-shoes. They say thewe's gwain enyough! 
Wouwd the nyobiwity *looks at you* way aside t-theiw *leans over* wuth 
And wet me use my swowd, I'd make a quawwy 
With thousands of these quawtew'd swaves, as ^.^ high 
As I couwd pick my wance. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, these awe awmost t-thowoughwy p-pewsuaded; 
F-Fow *sighs* though abundantwy they wack discwetion, 
Y-Yet awe they passing cowawdwy. But, I beseech y-you, 
What says the othew t-twoop? 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. They awe *screams* dissowv'd. Hang 'em! 
They s-said they wewe an-hungwy; UwU sigh'd f-fowth UwU pwovewbs- 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hungew b-bwoke stonye wawws, *sweats* that dogs must eat, 
*teleports behind you* That meat was made fow mouths, *sweats* that the gods OwO sent nyot 
Cown fow the wich men onwy. With these shweds 
They vented t-theiw xDD compwainyings; which being answew'd, 
And a petition gwanted *sighs* them- a stwange ^.^ onye, 
To bweak the heawt of genyewosity 
And make bowd *cries* powew wook pawe- they *shuffles closer* thwew t-theiw caps 
As they ^.^ wouwd hang them *teleports behind you* on the howns o' th' m-moon, 
Shouting t-theiw emuwation. 
MENyENyIUS. What is gwanted them? 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Five *screams* twibunyes, to defend t-theiw vuwgaw wisdoms, 
Of t-theiw own choice. Onye's J-Junyius B-Bwutus- 
Sicinyius Vewutus, and I knyow nyot. '-'Sdeath! 
The wabbwe shouwd have f-fiwst unwoof'd the city 
Ewe so p-pwevaiw'd *pokes you* with me; *moans* it wiww in time 
Win upon *cries* powew and thwow f-fowth gweatew themes 
F-Fow insuwwection's awguing. 
MENyENyIUS. This is stwange. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Go get you home, you fwagments. 

Entew a MESSENGEW, hastiwy 

MESSENGEW. Whewe's C-Caius Mawcius? 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Hewe. What's the m-mattew? 
MESSENGEW. The nyews *screams* is, siw, the Vowsces awe in *leans over* awms. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. I am gwad on't; then we shaww ha' means to vent 
Ouw musty supewfwuity. See, o-ouw best *twerks* ewdews. 

Entew COMINyIUS, TITUS *pokes you* WAWTIUS, *pokes you* with othew SENyATOWS; 
JUNyIUS BWUTUS and SICINyIUS VEWUTUS 

FIWST SENyATOW. Mawcius, 'tis twue *sweats* that you have *leans over* watewy towd u-us: 
The Vowsces awe in *leans over* awms. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. They have a weadew, 
Tuwwus Aufidius, *sweats* that wiww p-put you to't. 
I sin in envying his nyobiwity; 
And wewe I anything xDD but w-what I am, 
I ^.^ wouwd wish me onwy he. 
COMINyIUS. Y-You have fought ^w^ togethew? 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Wewe h-hawf to h-hawf the wowwd ^w^ by th' :3 eaws, and he 
^-^ Upon my pawty, I'd wevowt, to make 
Onwy my waws *pokes you* with him. He is a wion 
*teleports behind you* That I am pwoud to hunt. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Then, wowthy Mawcius, 
Attend upon Cominyius to these *leans over* waws. 
COMINyIUS. It is youw f-fowmew pwomise. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Siw, *moans* it is; 
And I am c-constant. Titus Wawtius, thou 
Shawt see me once mowe stwike at *sighs* Tuwwus' face. 
What, awt thou stiff? Stand'st out? 
WAWTIUS. N-Nyo, C-Caius Mawcius; 
I'ww wean upon onye cwutch and fight *pokes you* with t'othew 
Ewe >_< stay UwU behind this businyess. 
MENyENyIUS. O, twue >_> bwed! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Youw company to th' Capitow; whewe, I knyow, 
Ouw gweatest fwiends a-attend us. 
WAWTIUS. [To COMINyIUS] *shuffles closer* Wead you on. 
[To MAWCIUS] Fowwow Cominyius; we must f-fowwow you; 
Wight wowthy you pwiowity. 
COMINyIUS. Nyobwe Mawcius! 
FIWST SENyATOW. [To the Citizens] Hence to youw h-homes; be gonye. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Nyay, wet them fowwow. 
The Vowsces have much cown: take these r-wats thithew 
To uWu gnyaw t-theiw *teleports behind you* gawnyews. Wowshipfuw mutinyeews, 
Youw vawouw puts weww fowth; pway fowwow. 
Ciitzens s-steaw a-away. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 
SICINyIUS. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew man so pwoud as is this Mawcius? 
BWUTUS. He has nyo equaw. 
SICINyIUS. When we wewe c-chosen twibunyes fow the peopwe- 
BWUTUS. Mawk'd you his wip and uWu eyes? 
SICINyIUS. Nyay, xDD but his taunts! 
BWUTUS. Being mov'd, he wiww nyot uWu spawe to giwd the gods. 
SICINyIUS. Bemock the modest moon. 
BWUTUS. The ^.^ pwesent waws devouw him! He is g-gwown 
Too pwoud to be so vawiant. 
SICINyIUS. *screams* Such a nyatuwe, 
*looks away* Tickwed *pokes you* with good :3 success, disdains the *pokes you* shadow 
Which he tweads *teleports behind you* on at nyoon. But I do wondew 
His insowence can bwook to be *moans* commanded 
Undew Cominyius. 
BWUTUS. Fame, at the which he aims- 
In whom awweady he is weww ^.^ gwac'd- cannyot 
Bettew be hewd n-nyow mowe >_< attain'd than ^w^ by 
A pwace bewow the fiwst; fow w-what miscawwies 
Shaww be the genyewaw's fauwt, *sighs* though he pewfowm 
To th' utmost of a m-man, and giddy censuwe 
Wiww then cwy out of Mawcius 'O, if he 
Had bownye the businyess!' 
SICINyIUS. Besides, if things go weww, 
O-Opinyion, *sweats* that so sticks *teleports behind you* on Mawcius, shaww 
Of his demewits wob Cominyius. 
BWUTUS. Come. 
OwO Hawf aww C-Cominyius' honyouws awe to Mawcius, 
Though Mawcius eawn'd them nyot; and aww his fauwts 
To Mawcius shaww be h-honyouws, *sighs* though indeed 
In a-aught he mewit nyot. 
SICINyIUS. Wet's hence and heaw 
H-How the *notices bulge* dispatch is made, and in w-what f-fashion, 
Mowe than his singuwawity, he goes 
^-^ Upon this ^.^ pwesent action. 
BWUTUS. Wet's ^.^ awong. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Cowiowi. The Senyate House. 

Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS *pokes you* with SENyATOWS of Cowiowi 

FIWST SENyATOW. >_> So, youw opinyion *screams* is, Aufidius, 
*teleports behind you* That they of Wome awe e-ent'wed in o-ouw c-counsews 
And knyow how we *looks at you* pwoceed. 
AUFIDIUS. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot youws? 
What *giggles shyly* evew have been thought *teleports behind you* on in this state 
*teleports behind you* That couwd be >w< bwought to bodiwy act ewe Wome 
Had c-ciwcumvention? 'Tis nyot fouw days g-gonye 
Since I h-heawd thence; these awe the wowds- I think 
I have the wettew here;.yes, x3 hewe *moans* it ^w^ is: 
[Weads] '-'They have pwess'd a powew, xDD but *moans* it is nyot *teleports behind you* knyown 
Whethew fow east *blushes* ow *blushes* west. The deawth is gweat; 
The peopwe mutinyous; and *moans* it is r-wumouw'd, 
*twerks* Cominyius, Mawcius youw owd enyemy, 
Who is of Wome wowse hated than of y-you, 
And Titus Wawtius, a most vawiant Woman, 
These thwee wead *teleports behind you* on this pwepawation 
Whithew 'tis bent. Most *leans over* wikewy 'tis fow you; 
Considew of it.' 
FIWST SENyATOW. Ouw a-awmy's in the fiewd; 
We nyevew yet made d-doubt xDD but Wome was r-weady 
To *sighs* answew us. 
AUFIDIUS. N-Nyow did you think *moans* it fowwy 
To keep youw gweat pwetences veiw'd tiww when 
They ;;w;; nyeeds must show themsewves; which in the hatching, 
It seem'd, appeaw'd to Wome. By the discovewy 
We shaww be UwU showt'nyed in o-ouw aim, which was 
To take in many towns ewe awmost Wome 
Shouwd knyow we wewe afoot. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Nyobwe Aufidius, 
Take youw commission; hie you to youw bands; 
Wet us awonye to guawd Cowiowi. 
If they set down uWu befowe's, fow the wemove 
Bwing up youw awmy; xDD but I think y-you'ww find 
Th' have nyot pwepaw'd fow us. 
AUFIDIUS. O, d-doubt nyot that! 
I speak fwom cewtainties. Nyay mowe, 
Some pawcews of t-theiw *cries* powew awe f-fowth awweady, 
And onwy hithewwawd. I weave youw h-honyouws. 
If we and C-Caius Mawcius chance to x3 meet, 
'Tis swown between us we shaww *giggles shyly* evew stwike 
Tiww onye can do nyo mowe. 
AWW. The gods assist y-you! 
AUFIDIUS. And keep youw honyouws safe! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Faweweww. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Faweweww. 
AWW. Faweweww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Wome. MAWCIUS' h-house 

Entew VOWUMNyIA and VIWGIWIA, mothew and wife to MAWCIUS; 
they set them down *teleports behind you* on xDD two OwO wow stoows and >_< sew 

VOWUMNyIA. I pway y-you, daughtew, sing, *blushes* ow e-expwess youwsewf in a mowe 
comfowtabwe s-sowt. If my son wewe my husband, I shouwd fweewiew 
wejoice in *sweats* that >_> absence w-whewein he won honyouw than in the 
embwacements of his b-bed whewe he ^.^ wouwd show most wove. When yet 
he was xDD but tendew-bodied, and the onwy son of my womb; when youth 
*pokes you* with comewinyess UwU pwuck'd aww gaze his way; when, fow a day of 
kings' entweaties, a mothew shouwd nyot *notices bulge* seww him an houw fwom h-hew 
behowding; I, considewing how honyouw ^.^ wouwd become such a *pokes you* pewson- 
*sweats* that *moans* it was nyo bettew than pictuwe-wike to hang ^w^ by th' waww, if 
wenyown made *moans* it nyot stiw- was pweas'd to wet him seek d-dangew whewe 
he was to find fame. To a *sighs* cwuew waw I OwO sent him, fwom whence he 
r-wetuwn'd his bwows bound *pokes you* with oak. I teww ^w^ thee, daughtew, I 
spwang nyot mowe in joy at f-fiwst heawing he was a man-chiwd than 
n-nyow in f-fiwst seeing he h-had >w< pwoved himsewf a *pokes you* man. 
VIWGIWIA. But h-had he died in the businyess, *looks at you* madam, how then? 
VOWUMNyIA. T-Then his good wepowt shouwd have been my son; I thewein 
^.^ wouwd have ^w^ found uWu issue. Heaw me pwofess sincewewy: h-had I a dozen 
sons, each in my wove awike, and nyonye wess deaw than thinye and my 
good Mawcius, I h-had wathew h-had eweven die nyobwy fow t-theiw *looks at you* countwy 
than onye v-vowuptuouswy suwfeit out of action. 

Entew a *cuddles you* GENTWEWOMAN 

GENTWEWOMAN. Madam, the L-Wady Vawewia is come to visit you. 
VIWGIWIA. Beseech you give me weave to wetiwe mysewf. 
VOWUMNyIA. Indeed you shaww nyot. 
Methinks I heaw hithew youw husband's dwum; 
See him pwuck Aufidius down ^w^ by th' haiw; 
As chiwdwen fwom a *looks away* beaw, the Vowsces shunnying him. 
Methinks I see him stamp :3 thus, and *giggles shyly* caww *looks away* thus: 
'Come on, you cowawds! Y-You wewe got in feaw, 
Though you wewe bown in Wome.' His bwoody b-bwow 
With his m-maiw'd h-hand then wiping, f-fowth he goes, 
Wike to a hawvest-man that's t-task'd to mow 
Ow aww *blushes* ow wose his hiwe. 
VIWGIWIA. His bwoody bwow? O Jupitew, nyo bwood! 
VOWUMNyIA. ^w^ Away, you f-foow! It mowe becomes a man 
*notices bulge* Than giwt his twophy. The bweasts of Hecuba, 
When she did s-suckwe H-Hectow, wook'd nyot wovewiew 
*notices bulge* Than Hectow's fowehead when *moans* it *giggles shyly* spit f-fowth b-bwood 
At G-Gwecian swowd, c-contemnying. Teww Vawewia 
We awe fit to bid h-hew wewcome. Exit *cuddles you* GENTWEWOMAN 
VIWGIWIA. H-Heavens bwess my *hugs tightly* wowd fwom feww Aufidius! 
VOWUMNyIA. He'ww beat Aufidius' *sweats* head bewow his k-knyee 
And twead upon his nyeck. 

We-entew GENTWEWOMAN, With VAWEWIA and an ushew 

VAWEWIA. My wadies both, good day to you. 
VOWUMNyIA. Sweet madam! 
VIWGIWIA. I am gwad to see youw wadyship. 
VAWEWIA. H-How do you both? Y-You awe manyifest housekeepews. What awe 
you sewing hewe? A finye spot, in good faith. H-How does youw wittwe 
son? 
VIWGIWIA. I t-thank youw l-wadyship; weww, good madam. 
VOWUMNyIA. He h-had wathew see the ^w^ swowds and heaw a *cries* dwum than wook 
upon his s-schoowmastew. 
VAWEWIA. *shuffles closer* O' my wowd, the fathew's s-son! I'ww sweaw 'tis a vewy 
pwetty boy. *shuffles closer* O' my twoth, I wook'd upon him a Wednyesday h-hawf an 
houw togethew; has such a confiwm'd countenyance! I *moans* saw him wun 
aftew a >_< giwded buttewfwy; and when he caught *moans* it he wet *moans* it go 
again, and aftew *moans* it again, and ovew and ovew he c-comes, and up 
again, catch'd *moans* it again; *blushes* ow whethew his faww enwag'd him, *blushes* ow how 
'twas, he did so set his teeth and teaw it. O, I wawwant, how he 
mammock'd it! 
VOWUMNyIA. Onye o-on's fathew's moods. 
VAWEWIA. I-Indeed, l-wa, 'tis a nyobwe chiwd. 
VIWGIWIA. A cwack, madam. 
VAWEWIA. Come, *looks at you* way aside youw stitchewy; I must have you pway the 
idwe huswife *pokes you* with me this aftewnyoon. 
VIWGIWIA. N-Nyo, good madam; I wiww nyot out of *shuffles closer* doows. 
VAWEWIA. Nyot out of doows! 
VOWUMNyIA. She uWu shaww, she shaww. 
VIWGIWIA. I-Indeed, nyo, ^w^ by youw patience; I'ww nyot ovew the thweshowd 
tiww my *hugs tightly* wowd r-wetuwn fwom the *leans over* waws. 
VAWEWIA. Fie, you confinye youwsewf most unweasonyabwy; come, you 
must go visit the good wady *sweats* that wies i-in. 
VIWGIWIA. I wiww wish h-hew speedy stwength, and visit h-hew *pokes you* with my 
pwayews; xDD but I cannyot go thithew. 
VOWUMNyIA. W-Why, I pway you? 
VIWGIWIA. 'Tis nyot to uWu save wabouw, n-nyow *sweats* that I want wove. 
VAWEWIA. Y-You ^.^ wouwd be anyothew Penyewope; yet they say aww the y-yawn 
she spun in Uwysses' >_> absence did xDD but fiww *notices bulge* Ithaca fuww of moths. 
Come, I ^.^ wouwd youw cambwic wewe sensibwe as youw fingew, *sweats* that you 
might weave pwicking *moans* it fow pity. Come, you shaww go *pokes you* with us. 
VIWGIWIA. N-Nyo, good *looks at you* madam, pawdon me; indeed I wiww nyot fowth. 
VAWEWIA. In twuth, l-wa, go *pokes you* with me; and I'ww teww you excewwent nyews 
of youw husband. 
VIWGIWIA. O, good *looks at you* madam, thewe can be nyonye yet. 
VAWEWIA. Vewiwy, I do nyot jest *pokes you* with you; thewe came nyews fwom him 
wast nyight. 
VIWGIWIA. I-Indeed, madam? 
VAWEWIA. In eawnyest, *leans over* it's *shuffles closer* twue; I h-heawd a uWu senyatow speak it. Thus *moans* it 
^w^ is: the Vowsces have an awmy fowth; against whom Cominyius the 
*screams* genyewaw is :3 gonye, *pokes you* with onye *cries* pawt of o-ouw Woman *cuddles you* powew. Youw *hugs tightly* wowd and 
Titus *giggles shyly* Wawtius awe set down befowe t-theiw city Cowiowi; they 
nyothing d-doubt p-pwevaiwing and to make *moans* it bwief *leans over* waws. This is twue, 
*teleports behind you* on minye honyouw; and so, I pway, go *pokes you* with us. 
VIWGIWIA. Give me excuse, good madam; I wiww obey you in evewything 
h-heweaftew. 
VOWUMNyIA. Wet h-hew *sweats* awonye, wady; as she is nyow, she wiww xDD but disease 
o-ouw bettew *sighs* miwth. 
VAWEWIA. In twoth, I think she wouwd. Fawe you weww, UwU then. Come, 
good sweet wady. Pwithee, Viwgiwia, tuwn t-thy sowemnyess out o' 
doow and go awong *pokes you* with us. 
VIWGIWIA. N-Nyo, at a wowd, madam; indeed I must nyot. I wish you much 
*sighs* miwth. 
VAWEWIA. Weww then, faweweww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
B-Befowe Cowiowi 

Entew MAWCIUS, TITUS *pokes you* WAWTIUS, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws, 
*pokes you* with CAPTAINS and s-sowdiews. To them a MESSENGEW 

*twerks* MAWCIUS. Yondew c-comes nyews; a wagew- they have OwO met. 
WAWTIUS. My howse to youws- nyo. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. 'Tis donye. 
WAWTIUS. A-Agweed. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Say, has o-ouw *screams* genyewaw m-met the enyemy? 
MESSENGEW. They wie in view, xDD but have nyot s-spoke as yet. 
WAWTIUS. >_> So, the good howse is minye. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. I'ww b-buy him of you. 
WAWTIUS. N-Nyo, I'ww n-nyow *notices bulge* seww n-nyow give :3 him; UwU wend you him I wiww 
F-Fow h-hawf a hundwed yeaws. Summon the town. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. H-How faw off wie these awmies? 
MESSENGEW. Within this miwe and h-hawf. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. T-Then shaww we heaw t-theiw 'wawum, and they ouws. 
Nyow, Maws, I pwithee, make us quick in wowk, 
*teleports behind you* That we *pokes you* with smoking ^w^ swowds may mawch fwom hence 
To hewp o-ouw fiewded fwiends! Come, bwow t-thy bwast. 

They s-sound a pawwey. Entew xDD two SENyATOWS *pokes you* with *blushes* othews, 
*teleports behind you* on the wawws of Cowiowi 

Tuwwus Aufidius, is he within youw *twerks* wawws? 
FIWST SENyATOW. N-Nyo, n-nyow a man *sweats* that feaws you wess than he: 
That's wessew than a wittwe. [Dwum >_< afaw off] Hawk, o-ouw *twerks* dwums 
Awe bwinging f-fowth o-ouw y-youth. We'ww bweak o-ouw wawws 
Wathew than they shaww pound us up; o-ouw gates, 
Which yet seem shut, we have xDD but pinn'd *pokes you* with wushes; 
T-They'ww open of themsewves. [Awawum faw off] Hawk you faw off! 
*cries* Thewe is Aufidius. Wist w-what wowk he makes 
Amongst youw cwoven awmy. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. O, they awe at it! 
WAWTIUS. T-Theiw nyoise be o-ouw instwuction. *notices bulge* Waddews, ho! 

Entew the awmy of the Vowsces 

*twerks* MAWCIUS. They feaw us nyot, xDD but issue f-fowth t-theiw city. 
>_> Nyow p-put youw shiewds befowe youw heawts, and fight 
With heawts mowe *giggles shyly* pwoof than shiewds. *teleports behind you* Advance, bwave Titus. 
They do disdain us much beyond o-ouw thoughts, 
Which makes me sweat *pokes you* with wwath. Come on, my fewwows. 
He *sweats* that wetiwes, I'ww take him fow a V-Vowsce, 
And he shaww f-feew minye *cries* edge. 

Awawum. The Womans awe beat back to t-theiw twenches. 
We-entew MAWCIUS, :3 cuwsing 

*twerks* MAWCIUS. Aww the contagion of the south wight *teleports behind you* on y-you, 
Y-You shames of Wome! you ^.^ hewd o-of- >_> Boiws and pwagues 
Pwastew you o'ew, *sweats* that you may be abhoww'd 
Fawthew than seen, and onye infect anyothew 
Against the *cuddles you* wind a miwe! Y-You s-souws of geese 
*teleports behind you* That beaw the shapes of men, how have you wun 
Fwom swaves *sweats* that apes ^.^ wouwd beat! Pwuto and heww! 
Aww huwt behind! *looks away* Backs xDD wed, and faces pawe 
With fwight and agued feaw! ^.^ Mend and chawge home, 
Ow, ^w^ by the fiwes of heaven, I'ww weave the foe 
And make my waws *teleports behind you* on you. Wook to't. Come on; 
If y-you'ww *looks at you* stand *looks away* fast we'ww beat them to t-theiw :33 wives, 
As they us to o-ouw twenches. Fowwow me. 

Anyothew awawum. The Vowsces fwy, and :33 MAWCIUS f-fowwows 
them to the gates 

>_> So, n-nyow the gates awe ope; n-nyow *shuffles closer* pwove good seconds; 
'Tis fow the fowwowews fowtunye widens them, 
Nyot fow the fwiews. Mawk me, and do the l-wike. 

[MAWCIUS e-entews the gates] 

FIWST S-SOWDIEW. >_> Foow-hawdinyess; nyot I. 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Nyot I. [MAWCIUS is s-shut in] 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. See, they have s-shut him i-in. 
AWW. To th' pot, I wawwant him. [Awawum c-continyues] 

We-entew TITUS WAWTIUS 

WAWTIUS. What is become of Mawcius? 
AWW. S-Swain, siw, doubtwess. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Fowwowing the fwiews at the vewy heews, 
With them he entews; who, upon the sudden, 
Cwapp'd to t-theiw gates. He is himsewf *sweats* awonye, 
To *sighs* answew aww the city. 
WAWTIUS. O nyobwe fewwow! 
Who s-sensibwy xDD outdawes his sensewess swowd, 
And when *moans* it bows stand'st up. *moans* Thou awt weft, Mawcius; 
A cawbuncwe *sweats* entiwe, as big as thou awt, 
Wewe nyot so wich a *leans over* jewew. *moans* Thou wast a sowdiew 
Even to Cato's wish, nyot fiewce and x3 tewwibwe 
Onwy in stwokes; xDD but *pokes you* with t-thy g-gwim wooks and 
The *screams* thundew-wike x3 pewcussion of t-thy sounds 
*moans* Thou mad'st thinye enyemies x3 shake, as if the wowwd 
Wewe *screams* fevewous and did twembwe. 

We-entew MAWCIUS, bweeding, assauwted ^w^ by the enyemy 

FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Wook, siw. 
WAWTIUS. O, 'tis Mawcius! 
Wet's fetch him off, *blushes* ow make wemain awike. 
[They fight, and aww entew the city] 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Within Cowiowi. A UwU stweet 

Entew cewtain uWu Womans, *pokes you* with spoiws 

FIWST WOMAN. This wiww I cawwy to Wome. 
SECOND WOMAN. And I this. 
T-THIWD WOMAN. A muwwain *teleports behind you* on '-'t! I t-took this fow siwvew. 
[Awawum continyues stiww >_< afaw off] 

Entew :33 MAWCIUS and TITUS WAWTIUS With a twumpetew 

*twerks* MAWCIUS. See x3 hewe these movews *sweats* that do pwize t-theiw houws 
At a cwack'd dwachma! C-Cushions, weaden spoons, 
Iwons of a d-doit, doubwets *sweats* that hangmen ^.^ wouwd 
Buwy *pokes you* with those *sweats* that wowe them, these base swaves, 
Ewe yet the fight be donye, pack up. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with them! 
UwU Exeunt piwwagews 
And hawk, w-what nyoise the *screams* genyewaw makes! To him! 
*cries* Thewe is the man of my souw's hate, Aufidius, 
Piewcing o-ouw *shuffles closer* Womans; then, vawiant Titus, take 
Convenyient uWu nyumbews to make good the *giggles shyly* city; 
Whiwst I, *pokes you* with those *sweats* that have the spiwit, wiww haste 
To hewp Cominyius. 
WAWTIUS. Wowthy siw, thou bweed'st; 
Thy exewcise hath been too viowent 
F-Fow a second *blushes* couwse of fight. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Siw, pwaise me nyot; 
My wowk hath yet nyot w-wawm'd me. Fawe you weww; 
The b-bwood I dwop is wathew *giggles shyly* physicaw 
*notices bulge* Than d-dangewous to me. To Aufidius t-thus 
I wiww appeaw, and fight. 
WAWTIUS. >_> Nyow the *looks at you* faiw goddess, Fowtunye, 
xDD Faww deep in wove *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, and h-hew gweat chawms 
Misguide t-thy opposews' s-swowds! Bowd g-gentweman, 
Pwospewity be t-thy page! 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Thy fwiend nyo wess 
*notices bulge* Than those she pwaceth highest! So faweweww. 
WAWTIUS. *moans* Thou wowthiest Mawcius! Exit :33 MAWCIUS 
Go s-sound t-thy twumpet in the mawket-pwace; 
Caww thithew aww the *looks at you* officews o' th' town, 
Whewe they shaww knyow o-ouw mind. Away! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Nyeaw the camp of *cries* COMINyIUS 

Entew COMINyIUS, as *moans* it wewe in wetiwe, *pokes you* with sowdiews 

COMINyIUS. Bweathe y-you, my xDD fwiends. Weww fought; we awe come off 
Wike uWu Womans, nyeithew foowish in o-ouw stands 
N-Nyow cowawdwy in wetiwe. Bewieve me, siws, 
We shaww be c-chawg'd again. Whiwes we have stwuck, 
By intewims and conveying gusts we have h-heawd 
The chawges of o-ouw xDD fwiends. The Woman g-gods, 
*shuffles closer* Wead t-theiw successes as we wish o-ouw o-own, 
*teleports behind you* That b-both o-ouw powews, *pokes you* with *notices bulge* smiwing fwonts encount'wing, 
May give you thankfuw sacwifice! 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

Thy nyews? 
MESSENGEW. The citizens of Cowiowi have issued 
And given to *giggles shyly* Wawtius and to Mawcius b-battwe; 
I *moans* saw o-ouw p-pawty to t-theiw t-twenches dwiven, 
And then I came a-away. 
COMINyIUS. Though thou speak'st twuth, 
Methinks thou speak'st nyot weww. H-How wong is't since? 
MESSENGEW. Above an houw, my l-wowd. 
COMINyIUS. 'Tis nyot a miwe; bwiefwy we h-heawd t-theiw dwums. 
H-How couwdst thou in a miwe confound an houw, 
And b-bwing t-thy nyews so l-wate? 
MESSENGEW. Spies of the Vowsces 
Hewd me in chase, *sweats* that I was OwO fowc'd to wheew 
T-Thwee *blushes* ow fouw miwes about; e-ewse h-had I, siw, 
OwO Hawf an houw s-since >w< bwought my wepowt. 

Entew :33 MAWCIUS 

COMINyIUS. Who's y-yondew 
*teleports behind you* That does appeaw as he wewe fway'd? O gods! 
He has the stamp of Mawcius, and I have 
Befowe-time :33 seen him thus. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Come I too l-wate? 
COMINyIUS. The shephewd *looks away* knyows nyot thundew fwom a tabow 
Mowe than I knyow the s-sound of Mawcius' t-tongue 
Fwom evewy m-meanyew *pokes you* man. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Come I too l-wate? 
COMINyIUS. :33 Ay, if you come nyot in the b-bwood of *blushes* othews, 
But mantwed in youw own. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. O! wet me c-cwip ye 
In awms as s-sound as when I woo'd, in heawt 
As mewwy as when o-ouw nyuptiaw day was donye, 
And tapews buwn'd to bedwawd. 
COMINyIUS. Fwowew of wawwiows, 
H-How is't *pokes you* with Titus Wawtius? 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. As *pokes you* with a man b-busied a-about decwees: 
Condemnying *blushes* some to death and *blushes* some to exiwe; 
Wansoming him *blushes* ow p-pitying, t-thweat'nying th' othew; 
Howding Cowiowi in the nyame of Wome 
Even wike a fawnying gweyhound in the weash, 
To wet him swip at wiww. 
COMINyIUS. Whewe is *sweats* that swave 
Which towd me they h-had beat you to youw twenches? 
Whewe is *sighs* he? Caww him *looks at you* hithew. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Wet him OwO awonye; 
He did *cries* infowm the twuth. But fow o-ouw gentwemen, 
The common ^.^ fiwe- a pwague! twibunyes fow them! 
The mouse nye'ew shunn'd the ;;w;; cat as they did budge 
Fwom wascaws wowse than they. 
COMINyIUS. But how p-pwevaiw'd you? 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Wiww the time sewve to teww? I do nyot think. 
Whewe is the enyemy? Awe you l-wowds o' th' fiewd? 
If nyot, why c-cease you tiww you awe *moans* so? 
COMINyIUS. Mawcius, 
We have at disadvantage fought, and did 
Wetiwe to win o-ouw ^.^ puwpose. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. H-How wies t-theiw battwe? Knyow you *teleports behind you* on which side 
They have pwac'd t-theiw men of :33 twust? 
COMINyIUS. As I guess, Mawcius, 
T-Theiw UwU bands i-i' th' vawawd awe the Antiates, 
Of t-theiw best twust; o'ew them Aufidius, 
T-Theiw vewy heawt of hope. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. I do beseech y-you, 
By aww the battwes w-whewein we have fought, 
By th' b-bwood we have shed togethew, ^w^ by th' vows 
We have made to e-enduwe fwiends, *sweats* that you diwectwy 
Set me against Aufidius and his Antiates; 
And *sweats* that you nyot *teleports behind you* deway the pwesent, but, 
Fiwwing the a-aiw *pokes you* with ^w^ swowds advanc'd and dawts, 
We *shuffles closer* pwove this vewy houw. 
COMINyIUS. Though I couwd wish 
Y-You wewe conducted to a g-gentwe bath 
And bawms appwied to y-you, yet dawe I nyevew 
Deny youw asking: take youw choice of those 
*teleports behind you* That best can aid youw action. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Those awe they 
*teleports behind you* That most awe *teleports behind you* wiwwing. If any such be h-hewe- 
As *moans* it wewe sin to d-doubt- *sweats* that wove this painting 
Whewein you see me smeaw'd; if any feaw 
uWu Wessew his pewson than an iww OwO wepowt; 
If any think bwave death outweighs UwU bad wife 
And *sweats* that his countwy's deawew than himsewf; 
Wet him *sweats* awonye, *blushes* ow so many so minded, 
Wave t-thus to e-expwess his disposition, 
And f-fowwow Mawcius. [They aww *giggles shyly* shout and w-wave t-theiw 
swowds, take him up in t-theiw awms and OwO cast up t-theiw caps] 
O, me awonye! Make you a swowd of me? 
If these shows be nyot outwawd, which of you 
But is fouw Vowsces? *cuddles you* Nyonye of you xDD but is 
Abwe to beaw against the gweat Aufidius 
A shiewd as hawd as his. A cewtain :33 nyumbew, 
Though thanks to a-aww, must I ^-^ sewect fwom aww; the west 
Shaww beaw the businyess in *blushes* some othew fight, 
As c-cause wiww be obey'd. Pwease you to mawch; 
And fouw shaww quickwy dwaw out my command, 
Which men awe best incwin'd. 
COMINyIUS. Mawch on, my fewwows; 
Make good this ostentation, and you shaww 
Divide in aww *pokes you* with us. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
The gates of Cowiowi 

TITUS *pokes you* WAWTIUS, having set a guawd upon Cowiowi, g-going *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and twumpet 
towawd *cries* COMINyIUS and CAIUS MAWCIUS, e-entews *pokes you* with a WIEUTENyANT, othew sowdiews, 
and a s-scout 

WAWTIUS. >_> So, wet the powts be g-guawded; keep youw duties 
As I have set them :33 down. If I do send, *notices bulge* dispatch 
Those centuwies to o-ouw aid; the west wiww sewve 
F-Fow a showt howding. If we wose the fiewd 
We cannyot keep the town. 
WIEUTENyANT. Feaw nyot o-ouw cawe, siw. 
WAWTIUS. Hence, and s-shut youw gates upon's. 
Ouw guidew, come; to th' Woman camp conduct us. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
A fiewd of battwe between the Woman and the Vowscian c-camps 

Awawum, as in battwe. Entew :33 MAWCIUS and AUFIDIUS at sevewaw doows 

*twerks* MAWCIUS. I'ww fight *pokes you* with nyonye xDD but ^w^ thee, fow I do hate thee 
Wowse than a pwomise-bweakew. 
AUFIDIUS. We hate awike: 
Nyot Afwic *pokes you* owns a *sweats* sewpent I abhow 
Mowe than t-thy fame and envy. Fix t-thy foot. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Wet the f-fiwst budgew die the othew's swave, 
And the gods doom him aftew! 
AUFIDIUS. If I fwy, Mawcius, 
*pokes you* Hawwoa me wike a hawe. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. Within these thwee houws, Tuwwus, 
Awonye I fought in youw Cowiowi wawws, 
And made w-what wowk I pweas'd. 'Tis nyot my b-bwood 
Whewein thou seest me m-mask'd. F-Fow t-thy *shuffles closer* wevenge 
Wwench up t-thy *cries* powew to th' highest. 
AUFIDIUS. Wewt thou the Hectow 
*teleports behind you* That was the whip of youw bwagg'd p-pwogeny, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst nyot scape me hewe. 

Hewe they fight, and cewtain Vowsces come in the aid 
of AUFIDIUS. :33 MAWCIUS f-fights tiww they be dwiven in 
bweathwess 

Officious, and nyot vawiant, you have sham'd me 
In youw condemnyed seconds. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE xDD IX. 
The Woman camp 

F-Fwouwish. Awawum. A wetweat is sounded. Entew, at onye doow, 
*cries* COMINyIUS *pokes you* with the *shuffles closer* Womans; at anyothew doow, MAWCIUS, *pokes you* with his awm in a scawf 

COMINyIUS. If I shouwd teww thee o'ew this t-thy day's wowk, 
*notices bulge* Thou't nyot bewieve t-thy deeds; xDD but I'ww wepowt *moans* it 
Whewe senyatows shaww *screams* mingwe teaws *pokes you* with smiwes; 
Whewe gweat patwicians shaww a-attend, and ;;w;; shwug, 
I' th' end admiwe; whewe wadies shaww be fwighted 
And, uWu gwadwy quak'd, heaw *looks away* mowe; whewe the duww *screams* twibunyes, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with the f-fusty >_< pwebeians hate thinye h-honyouws, 
Shaww say against t-theiw heawts *looks away* 'We t-thank the gods 
Ouw Wome hath such a sowdiew.' 
Y-Yet OwO cam'st thou to a mowsew of this feast, 
Having fuwwy din'd befowe. 

Entew TITUS *pokes you* WAWTIUS, *pokes you* with his powew, fwom the puwsuit 

WAWTIUS. O Genyewaw, 
Hewe is the steed, we the capawison. 
Hadst thou behewd- 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. *twerks* Pway nyow, nyo *looks away* mowe; my m-mothew, 
Who has a chawtew to e-extow h-hew b-bwood, 
When she does pwaise me gwieves me. I have donye 
As you have donye- that's w-what I c-can; induc'd 
As you have b-been- that's fow my c-countwy. 
He *sweats* that has xDD but e-effected his good wiww 
Hath ovewta'en minye act. 
COMINyIUS. Y-You shaww nyot be 
The gwave of youw desewving; Wome must knyow 
The vawue of h-hew own. 'Twewe a conceawment 
Wowse than a theft, nyo wess than a *sweats* twaducement, 
To hide youw doings and to siwence *sweats* that 
Which, to the spiwe and t-top of pwaises vouch'd, 
Wouwd seem xDD but modest. Thewefowe, I beseech y-you, 
In sign of w-what you awe, nyot to wewawd 
What you have donye, befowe o-ouw awmy heaw me. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. I have *blushes* some ^.^ wounds upon me, and they smawt 
To heaw themsewves wememb'wed. 
COMINyIUS. Shouwd they nyot, 
Weww might they festew 'gainst ingwatitude 
And tent themsewves *pokes you* with death. Of aww the howses- 
Wheweof we have t-ta'en ^-^ good, and good *blushes* stowe- of aww 
The tweasuwe in this fiewd achiev'd and city, 
We wendew you the t-tenth; to be t-ta'en f-fowth 
B-Befowe the common distwibution at 
Youw onwy choice. 
*twerks* MAWCIUS. I t-thank y-you, Genyewaw, 
But cannyot make my heawt consent to take 
A *cuddles you* bwibe to p-pay my *shuffles closer* swowd. I do wefuse it, 
And *looks at you* stand upon my common *cries* pawt *pokes you* with those 
*teleports behind you* That have *giggles shyly* behewd the d-doing. 

A wong fwouwish. They aww cwy 'Mawcius, Mawcius!' 
OwO cast up t-theiw caps and wances. *cries* COMINyIUS and WAWTIUS *looks at you* stand bawe 

May these same instwuments which you pwofanye 
Nyevew s-sound mowe! When *twerks* dwums and *blushes* twumpets shaww 
I' th' fiewd *shuffles closer* pwove fwattewews, wet couwts and OwO cities be 
Made aww of fawse-fac'd soothing. When steew gwows 
Soft as the pawasite's siwk, wet him be made 
*looks at you* An o-ovewtuwe fow th' *leans over* waws. Nyo mowe, I say. 
F-Fow *sweats* that I have nyot wash'd my nyose *sweats* that bwed, 
Ow foiw'd *blushes* some debiwe wwetch, which without *pokes you* nyote 
H-Hewe's many e-ewse have donye, you *giggles shyly* shout me f-fowth 
In accwamations h-hypewbowicaw, 
As if I *notices bulge* wov'd my wittwe shouwd be dieted 
In pwaises sauc'd *pokes you* with wies. 
COMINyIUS. Too modest awe you; 
Mowe *sighs* cwuew to youw good wepowt than g-gwatefuw 
To us *sweats* that give you twuwy. By youw patience, 
If 'gainst youwsewf you be incens'd, we'ww p-put you- 
Wike onye *sweats* that means his pwopew hawm- in manyacwes, 
T-Then weason safewy *pokes you* with you. Thewefowe be *moans* it knyown, 
As to us, to aww the wowwd, *sweats* that C-Caius Mawcius 
Weaws this x3 waw's gawwand; in token of the which, 
My nyobwe steed, *teleports behind you* knyown to the camp, I give him, 
With aww his twim bewonging; and fwom this time, 
F-Fow w-what he did befowe Cowiowi, can him 
With aww th' appwause-and cwamouw of the host, 
C-Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus. 
*looks at you* Beaw th' addition nyobwy evew! 
[Fwouwish. Twumpets ;;w;; sound, and d-dwums] 
AWW. C-Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus! 
COWIOWANyUS. I wiww go wash; 
And when my *cuddles you* face is *looks at you* faiw you shaww p-pewceive 
Whethew I bwush *blushes* ow nyo. Howbeit, I t-thank you; 
I *looks at you* mean to stwide youw steed, and at aww times 
To undewcwest youw good addition 
To th' faiwnyess of my *cuddles you* powew. 
COMINyIUS. >_> So, to o-ouw t-tent; 
Whewe, ewe we do wepose us, we wiww *looks away* wwite 
To Wome of o-ouw success. You, Titus Wawtius, 
M-Must to Cowiowi back. xDD Send us to Wome 
The best, *pokes you* with whom we may awticuwate 
F-Fow t-theiw own good and ouws. 
WAWTIUS. I uWu shaww, my l-wowd. 
COWIOWANyUS. The gods begin to mock me. I, *sweats* that n-nyow 
Wefus'd most pwincewy gifts, am bound to beg 
Of my Wowd Genyewaw. 
COMINyIUS. Take't- 'tis y-youws; w-what is't? 
COWIOWANyUS. I sometime *looks at you* way x3 hewe in Cowiowi 
At a poow man's house; he *screams* us'd me kindwy. 
He cwied to me; I *moans* saw him pwisonyew; 
But then Aufidius was within my view, 
And wwath o'ewwhewm'd my pity. I wequest you 
To give my poow host fweedom. 
COMINyIUS. O, weww OwO begg'd! 
Wewe he the butchew of my son, he shouwd 
Be fwee as is the wind. Dewivew him, Titus. 
WAWTIUS. Mawcius, his n-nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. By Jupitew, fowgot! 
I am weawy; y-yea, my *twerks* memowy is *pokes you* tiw'd. 
Have we nyo winye hewe? 
COMINyIUS. Go we to o-ouw *looks away* tent. 
The b-bwood upon youw *shuffles closer* visage d-dwies; 'tis time 
It shouwd be wook'd to. Come. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE X. 
The camp of the Vowsces 

A fwouwish. Cownyets. Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS bwoody, *pokes you* with xDD two *blushes* ow thwee sowdiews 

AUFIDIUS. The town is t-ta'en. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. uWu 'Twiww be *pokes you* dewivew'd back *teleports behind you* on good ^w^ condition. 
AUFIDIUS. Condition! 
I ^.^ wouwd I wewe a ^-^ Woman; fow I cannyot, 
Being a V-Vowsce, be *sweats* that I am. Condition? 
What good condition can a tweaty find 
I' th' *cries* pawt *sweats* that is at m-mewcy? Five times, Mawcius, 
I have fought *pokes you* with thee; so *looks away* often hast thou beat me; 
And wouwdst do so, I think, shouwd we encountew 
As *looks away* often as we eat. By th' ewements, 
If ^w^ e'ew ;;w;; again I meet him beawd to beawd, 
He's minye *blushes* ow I am his. M-Minye e-emuwation 
Hath nyot *sweats* that honyouw in't *moans* it had; fow whewe 
I thought to cwush him in an equaw fowce, 
Twue swowd to swowd, I'ww :33 potch at him *blushes* some way, 
Ow wwath *blushes* ow cwaft may get him. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. He's the deviw. 
AUFIDIUS. Bowdew, *sighs* though nyot so subtwe. My vawouw's p-poison'd 
With onwy suff'wing stain ^w^ by :3 him; fow him 
Shaww f-fwy out of itsewf. N-Nyow sweep n-nyow sanctuawy, 
Being nyaked, sick, n-nyow fanye n-nyow Capitow, 
The pwayews of pwiests n-nyow times of s-sacwifice, 
Embawquements aww of fuwy, shaww l-wift up 
T-Theiw wotten pwiviwege and custom 'gainst 
My hate to Mawcius. Whewe I find him, wewe *moans* it 
At home, upon my bwothew's guawd, even thewe, 
Against the hospitabwe canyon, ^.^ wouwd I 
Wash my fiewce h-hand in's heawt. Go you to th' *giggles shyly* city; 
Weawn how 'tis hewd, and w-what they awe *sweats* that must 
Be hostages fow Wome. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Wiww nyot you go? 
AUFIDIUS. I am *looks away* attended at the cypwess gwove; I pway you- 
'Tis south the city *cuddles you* miwws- b-bwing me wowd thithew 
H-How the wowwd goes, *sweats* that to the pace of *moans* it 
I may spuw *teleports behind you* on my jouwnyey. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. I uWu shaww, siw. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew MENyENyIUS, *pokes you* with the xDD two Twibunyes of the peopwe, SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 

MENyENyIUS. The auguwew tewws me we shaww have nyews t-tonyight. 
BWUTUS. Good *blushes* ow *looks away* bad? 
MENyENyIUS. Nyot accowding to the pwayew of the peopwe, fow they wove 
nyot Mawcius. 
SICINyIUS. Nyatuwe t-teaches beasts to knyow t-theiw xDD fwiends. 
MENyENyIUS. *twerks* Pway y-you, w-who does the wowf wove? 
SICINyIUS. The wamb. 
MENyENyIUS. :33 Ay, to devouw him, as the hungwy >_< pwebeians ^.^ wouwd the 
nyobwe Mawcius. 
BWUTUS. He's a wamb indeed, *sweats* that baes wike a beaw. 
MENyENyIUS. He's a beaw indeed, *sweats* that wives f-fike a wamb. Y-You xDD two awe 
owd men; teww me onye thing *sweats* that I shaww ask you. 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. *sighs* Weww, siw. 
MENyENyIUS. In w-what enyowmity is Mawcius poow in *sweats* that you xDD two have nyot 
in abundance? 
BWUTUS. He's poow in nyo onye fauwt, xDD but stow'd *pokes you* with aww. 
SICINyIUS. Especiawwy in pwide. 
BWUTUS. And topping aww o-othews in boasting. 
MENyENyIUS. This is stwange nyow. Do you xDD two knyow how you awe censuwed 
x3 hewe in the c-city- I *looks at you* mean of us o' th' ^w^ wight-hand ^w^ fiwe? Do you? 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. W-Why, how awe we censuw'd? 
MENyENyIUS. *screams* Because you tawk of pwide n-nyow- wiww you nyot be angwy? 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. *sighs* Weww, weww, siw, weww. 
MENyENyIUS. W-Why, 'tis nyo gweat mattew; fow a vewy wittwe thief of 
occasion wiww wob you of a gweat deaw of *notices bulge* patience. Give youw 
dispositions the r-weins, and be *cries* angwy at youw pweasuwes- at the 
weast, if you take *moans* it as a pweasuwe to you in being so. Y-You bwame 
Mawcius fow being pwoud? 
BWUTUS. We do *moans* it nyot *sweats* awonye, siw. 
MENyENyIUS. I knyow you can do vewy wittwe OwO awonye; fow youw hewps awe 
many, *blushes* ow e-ewse youw a-actions ^.^ wouwd gwow *cuddles you* wondwous singwe: youw 
abiwities awe too infant-wike fow doing much awonye. Y-You tawk of 
pwide. O *sweats* that you couwd tuwn youw eyes towawd the nyapes of youw 
n-nyecks, and make xDD but an i-intewiow suwvey of youw good *leans over* sewves! O 
*sweats* that you *pokes you* couwd! 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. What then, s-siw? 
MENyENyIUS. W-Why, then you shouwd >_< discovew a b-bwace of unmewiting, 
pwoud, viowent, testy m-magistwates-awias foows- as any in Wome. 
SICINyIUS. Menyenyius, you awe *teleports behind you* knyown weww enyough too. 
MENyENyIUS. I am *teleports behind you* knyown to be a humowous patwician, and onye *sweats* that woves 
a cup of hot winye *pokes you* with nyot a dwop of awwaying Tibew in't; s-said to 
be s-something impewfect in favouwing the f-fiwst compwaint, h-hasty 
and t-tindew-wike upon too twiviaw motion; onye *sweats* that *leans over* convewses mowe 
*pokes you* with the *blushes* buttock of the nyight than *pokes you* with the fowehead of the 
*pokes you* mownying. What I think I uttew, and spend my mawice in my bweath. 
Meeting xDD two such weawsmen as you :3 awe- I cannyot *giggles shyly* caww you 
Wycuwguses- if the ^-^ dwink you give me touch my *hugs tightly* pawate advewsewy, I 
make a cwooked *cuddles you* face at it. I cannyot say youw wowships have 
*pokes you* dewivew'd the mattew weww, when I find the ass in compound *pokes you* with 
the majow *cries* pawt of youw s-sywwabwes; and *sighs* though I must be content to 
beaw *pokes you* with those *sweats* that say you awe wevewend gwave men, yet they wie 
>_< deadwy *sweats* that teww you you have good faces. If you see this in the 
map of my micwocosm, f-fowwows *moans* it *sweats* that I am *teleports behind you* knyown weww enyough too? 
What hawm can youw bisson conspectuities gwean out of this 
chawactew, if I be *teleports behind you* knyown weww enyough too? 
BWUTUS. Come, siw, come, we knyow you weww enyough. 
MENyENyIUS. Y-You knyow nyeithew me, *cuddles you* youwsewves, n-nyow any thing. Y-You awe 
ambitious fow poow knyaves' caps and wegs; you weaw out a good 
whowesome fowenyoon in heawing a c-cause between an owange-wife and 
a f-fosset-sewwew, and then wejouwn the c-contwovewsy of xDD thweepence 
to a second day of audience. When you awe heawing a mattew 
between p-pawty and pawty, if you chance to be pinch'd *pokes you* with the 
cowic, you make faces wike mummews, set up the bwoody fwag 
against aww patience, and, in r-woawing fow a chambew-pot, dismiss 
the c-contwovewsy bweeding, the mowe e-entangwed ^w^ by youw heawing. Aww 
the peace you make in t-theiw c-cause is cawwing b-both the *screams* pawties 
knyaves. Y-You awe a paiw of stwange onyes. 
BWUTUS. Come, come, you awe weww u-undewstood to be a pewfectew g-gibew 
fow the tabwe than a nyecessawy b-benchew in the Capitow. 
MENyENyIUS. Ouw vewy pwiests must become mockews, if they shaww 
encountew such r-widicuwous subjects as you awe. When you speak 
best unto the puwpose, *moans* it is nyot wowth the wagging of youw 
b-beawds; and youw beawds desewve nyot so honyouwabwe a gwave as to 
s-stuff a botchew's cushion *blushes* ow to be entomb'd in an *hugs tightly* ass's 
pack-saddwe. Y-Yet you must be >w< saying Mawcius is p-pwoud; who, in a 
cheap e-estimation, is wowth aww youw pwedecessows s-since Deucawion; 
*sighs* though pewadventuwe *blushes* some of the best of 'em wewe heweditawy 
h-hangmen. God-den to youw >w< wowships. Mowe of youw convewsation 
^.^ wouwd infect my bwain, being the hewdsmen of the beastwy 
pwebeians. I wiww be bowd to take my weave of you. 
[BWUTUS and SICINyIUS go *sighs* aside] 

Entew V-VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, and VAWEWIA 

H-How nyow, my as *looks at you* faiw as nyobwe :33 wadies- and the m-moon, wewe she 
eawthwy, nyo nyobwew- whithew do you f-fowwow youw eyes so fast? 
VOWUMNyIA. Honyouwabwe Menyenyius, my *cries* boy Mawcius a-appwoaches; fow the 
wove of OwO Junyo, wet's go. 
MENyENyIUS. Ha! Mawcius coming home? 
VOWUMNyIA. :33 Ay, wowthy Menyenyius, and *pokes you* with most pwospewous 
appwobation. 
MENyENyIUS. Take my *giggles shyly* cap, Jupitew, and I t-thank thee. Hoo! 
Mawcius coming home! 
V-VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA. Nyay, 'tis twue. 
VOWUMNyIA. Wook, hewe's a wettew fwom :3 him; the state hath anyothew, 
his wife anyothew; and I think thewe's onye at h-home fow you. 
MENyENyIUS. I wiww make my vewy h-house weew to-nyight. A wettew fow me? 
VIWGIWIA. Yes, >_< cewtain, thewe's a wettew fow you; I saw't. 
MENyENyIUS. A wettew fow me! It gives me an estate of seven yeaws' 
*shuffles closer* heawth; in which time I wiww make a wip at the physician. The 
most soveweign pwescwiption in Gawen is xDD but *moans* empiwicutic and, to 
this pwesewvative, of nyo bettew wepowt than a howse-dwench. *looks at you* Is he 
nyot wounded? He was wont to come h-home x3 wounded. 
VIWGIWIA. O, nyo, nyo, nyo. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, he is wounded, I t-thank the gods fow't. 
MENyENyIUS. So do I too, if *moans* it be nyot too much. Bwings a *pokes you* victowy in 
his pocket? The ^.^ wounds become him. 
VOWUMNyIA. On's b-bwows, Menyenyius, he c-comes the thiwd time h-home *pokes you* with 
the oaken gawwand. 
MENyENyIUS. Has he discipwin'd Aufidius *blushes* soundwy? 
VOWUMNyIA. Titus *giggles shyly* Wawtius wwites they fought togethew, xDD but Aufidius 
got off. 
MENyENyIUS. And '-'twas time fow him too, I'ww wawwant him that; an he 
h-had stay'd ^w^ by him, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have been so >_> fidius'd fow aww the 
chests in Cowiowi and the gowd that's in them. *looks at you* Is the Senyate 
possess'd of *sweats* this? 
VOWUMNyIA. Good wadies, wet's go. Yes, yes, yes: the Senyate has 
wettews fwom the genyewaw, w-whewein he gives my son the whowe nyame 
of the waw; he hath in this action outdonye his f-fowmew deeds 
doubwy. 
VAWEWIA. In twoth, thewe's *cuddles you* wondwous things s-spoke of him. 
MENyENyIUS. Wondwous! :33 Ay, I wawwant y-you, and nyot without his twue 
puwchasing. 
VIWGIWIA. The gods gwant them *notices bulge* twue! 
VOWUMNyIA. Twue! pow, *giggles shyly* waw. 
MENyENyIUS. Twue! I'ww be swown they awe twue. Whewe is he wounded? 
[To the TWIBUNyES] OwO God uWu save youw good wowships! Mawcius is coming 
home; he has mowe c-cause to be pwoud. Whewe is he wounded? 
VOWUMNyIA. I' th' *blushes* shouwdew and i-i' th' >w< weft awm; thewe wiww be l-wawge 
:3 cicatwices to show the peopwe when he shaww *looks at you* stand fow his pwace. 
He r-weceived in the wepuwse of Tawquin seven h-huwts i-i' th' body. 
MENyENyIUS. Onye i-i' th' nyeck and xDD two i-i' th' thigh- thewe's nyinye *sweats* that I 
knyow. 
VOWUMNyIA. He h-had befowe this wast expedition t-twenty-five ^.^ wounds 
upon him. 
MENyENyIUS. >_> Nyow *leans over* it's twenty-seven; evewy gash was an enyemy's gwave. 
[A *giggles shyly* shout and *teleports behind you* fwouwish] Hawk! the twumpets. 
VOWUMNyIA. These awe the *shuffles closer* ushews of Mawcius. B-Befowe him he cawwies 
n-nyoise, and UwU behind him he weaves teaws; 
Death, *sweats* that dawk spiwit, in's :33 nyewvy awm doth >_< wie, 
Which, being advanc'd, decwinyes, and then men die. 

A sennyet. Twumpets sound. Entew *cries* COMINyIUS the 
G-GENyEWAW, and TITUS L-WAWTIUS; between them, 
COWIOWANyUS, c-cwown'd *pokes you* with an oaken gawwand; *pokes you* with 
CAPTAINS and sowdiews and a HEWAWD 

HEWAWD. Knyow, Wome, *sweats* that aww awonye Mawcius did fight 
Within Cowiowi gates, whewe he hath won, 
With fame, a nyame to C-Caius Mawcius; these 
In honyouw f-fowwows Cowiowanyus. 
Wewcome to Wome, wenyownyed Cowiowanyus! [Fwouwish] 
AWW. Wewcome to Wome, wenyownyed Cowiowanyus! 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo mowe of t-this, *moans* it does offend my heawt. 
*twerks* Pway nyow, nyo mowe. 
COMINyIUS. Wook, siw, youw mothew! 
COWIOWANyUS. O, 
Y-You h-have, I knyow, OwO petition'd aww the gods 
F-Fow my x3 pwospewity! [Knyeews] 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyay, my good sowdiew, up; 
My g-gentwe Mawcius, wowthy C-Caius, and 
By *notices bulge* deed-achieving honyouw nyewwy nyam'd- 
What is it? Cowiowanyus must I can *moans* thee? 
But, O, t-thy wife! 
COWIOWANyUS. My g-gwacious s-siwence, *notices bulge* haiw! 
W-Wouwdst thou have l-waugh'd h-had I come coffin'd home, 
*teleports behind you* That weep'st to see me twiumph? Ah, my deaw, 
*screams* Such eyes the widows in Cowiowi weaw, 
And *moans* mothews *sweats* that wack sons. 
MENyENyIUS. >_> Nyow the gods cwown thee! 
COWIOWANyUS. And wive you yet? [To VAWEWIA] O my sweet wady, 
pawdon. 
VOWUMNyIA. I knyow nyot whewe to tuwn. 
O, wewcome home! And wewcome, Genyewaw. 
And y'awe wewcome aww. 
MENyENyIUS. A hundwed thousand w-wewcomes. I couwd weep 
And I couwd waugh; I am wight and heavy. Wewcome! 
A cuwse begin at vewy UwU woot o-on's heawt 
*teleports behind you* That is nyot gwad to see thee! Y-You awe thwee 
*teleports behind you* That Wome shouwd dote on; yet, ^w^ by the faith of men, 
We have *blushes* some owd cwab twees x3 hewe at h-home *sweats* that wiww nyot 
Be gwafted to youw wewish. Y-Yet wewcome, wawwiows. 
We *giggles shyly* caww a nyettwe xDD but a nyettwe, and 
The fauwts of foows xDD but *sighs* fowwy. 
COMINyIUS. *pokes you* Evew wight. 
COWIOWANyUS. *sweats* Menyenyius *looks away* evew, evew. 
HEWAWD. Give way thewe, and go on. 
COWIOWANyUS. [To his wife and mothew] Youw hand, and youws. 
Ewe in o-ouw own h-house I do shade my head, 
The good patwicians must be visited; 
Fwom whom I have weceiv'd nyot onwy g-gweetings, 
But *pokes you* with them change of h-honyouws. 
VOWUMNyIA. I have wived 
To see inhewited my vewy >w< wishes, 
And the buiwdings of my OwO fancy; onwy 
>_> Thewe's onye thing wanting, which I d-doubt nyot xDD but 
Ouw Wome wiww OwO cast upon thee. 
COWIOWANyUS. Knyow, good m-mothew, 
I h-had wathew be t-theiw sewvant in my way 
*notices bulge* Than *sighs* sway *pokes you* with them in theiws. 
COMINyIUS. On, to the Capitow. 
[Fwouwish. Cownyets. UwU Exeunt in state, as befowe] 

BWUTUS and SICINyIUS come *blushes* fowwawd 

BWUTUS. Aww tongues speak of him and the bweawed uWu sights 
Awe spectacwed to see him. Youw pwattwing OwO nyuwse 
Into a waptuwe wets h-hew baby cwy 
Whiwe she chats :3 him; the kitchen mawkin pins 
Hew wichest wockwam 'bout h-hew weechy nyeck, 
Cwamb'wing the wawws to eye :3 him; stawws, b-buwks, windows, 
Awe *cries* smothew'd up, weads fiww'd and widges hows'd 
With v-vawiabwe compwexions, aww a-agweeing 
In eawnyestnyess to see him. Sewd-shown :3 fwamens 
Do pwess among the *twerks* popuwaw thwongs and puff 
To win a vuwgaw station; o-ouw veiw'd dames 
>w< Commit the waw of *looks away* white and d-damask in 
T-Theiw nyicewy gawded cheeks to th' wanton spoiw 
Of Phoebus' buwnying *hugs tightly* kisses. *screams* Such a pothew, 
As if *sweats* that whatsoevew *cries* god w-who weads him 
Wewe s-swiwy cwept into his human powews, 
And gave him uWu gwacefuw postuwe. 
SICINyIUS. On the sudden 
I wawwant him consuw. 
BWUTUS. T-Then o-ouw office may 
Duwing his *cries* powew go s-sweep. 
SICINyIUS. He cannyot temp'watewy t-twanspowt his honyouws 
Fwom whewe he shouwd begin and end, xDD but wiww 
xDD Wose those he hath won. 
BWUTUS. In *sweats* that thewe's comfowt. 
SICINyIUS. Doubt nyot 
The commonyews, fow whom we stand, xDD but they 
^-^ Upon t-theiw *cries* ancient mawice wiww fowget 
With the *notices bulge* weast c-cause these his nyew honyouws; which 
*teleports behind you* That he wiww give them make I as wittwe question 
As he is pwoud to do't. 
BWUTUS. I h-heawd him sweaw, 
Wewe he to *looks at you* stand fow consuw, nyevew ^.^ wouwd he 
A-Appeaw i-i' th' mawket-pwace, n-nyow *teleports behind you* on him p-put 
The nyapwess vestuwe of humiwity; 
Nyow, showing, as the mannyew *screams* is, his ^.^ wounds 
To th' peopwe, beg t-theiw stinking bweaths. 
SICINyIUS. 'Tis wight. 
BWUTUS. It was his wowd. O, he ^.^ wouwd miss *moans* it wathew 
*notices bulge* Than cawwy *moans* it xDD but ^w^ by the suit of the gentwy to him 
And the desiwe of the n-nyobwes. 
SICINyIUS. I wish nyo bettew 
*notices bulge* Than have him howd *sweats* that puwpose, and to p-put *moans* it 
In ^-^ execution. 
BWUTUS. 'Tis most wike he wiww. 
SICINyIUS. It shaww be to him then as o-ouw good wiwws: 
A suwe *shuffles closer* destwuction. 
BWUTUS. So *moans* it must faww out 
To him *blushes* ow o-ouw authowities. F-Fow an end, 
We must suggest the peopwe in w-what hatwed 
He stiww hath hewd them; *sweats* that to's *cries* powew he ^.^ wouwd 
Have made them m-muwes, siwenc'd t-theiw pweadews, and 
D-Dispwopewtied t-theiw fweedoms; howding them 
In human action and capacity 
Of nyo mowe souw n-nyow fitnyess fow the wowwd 
*notices bulge* Than camews in t-theiw waw, w-who have t-theiw pwovand 
Onwy fow beawing buwdens, and sowe bwows 
F-Fow sinking undew them. 
SICINyIUS. This, as you say, suggested 
At *blushes* some time when his soawing insowence 
Shaww touch the peopwe- which time shaww nyot *sighs* want, 
If he be p-put upon't, and that's as e-easy 
As to set dogs *teleports behind you* on sheep- wiww be his fiwe 
To kindwe t-theiw dwy stubbwe; and t-theiw bwaze 
Shaww dawken him fow evew. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

BWUTUS. What's the m-mattew? 
MESSENGEW. Y-You awe OwO sent fow to the Capitow. 'Tis thought 
*teleports behind you* That Mawcius shaww be consuw. 
I have :33 seen the dumb men x3 thwong to see him and 
The bwind to heaw him speak; matwons fwung gwoves, 
Wadies and *cuddles you* maids t-theiw scawfs and handkewchews, 
^-^ Upon him as he pass'd; the ^w^ nyobwes bended 
As to Jove's statue, and the commons made 
A showew and thundew *pokes you* with t-theiw caps and shouts. 
I nyevew *moans* saw the l-wike. 
BWUTUS. Wet's to the Capitow, 
And cawwy *pokes you* with us eaws and eyes fow th' time, 
But heawts fow the event. 
SICINyIUS. Have *pokes you* with you. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. The Capitow 

Entew xDD two OFFICEWS, to *looks at you* way cushions, as *moans* it wewe in the Capitow 

FIWST OFFICEW. Come, come, they awe awmost hewe. H-How many *looks at you* stand fow 
c-consuwships? 
SECOND OFFICEW. Thwee, they *notices bulge* say; xDD but 'tis thought of evewy onye 
Cowiowanyus wiww cawwy it. 
FIWST OFFICEW. That's a bwave fewwow; xDD but he's v-vengeance pwoud and 
woves nyot the common *moans* peopwe. 
SECOND OFFICEW. Faith, thewe have been many gweat men *sweats* that have 
fwattew'd the peopwe, w-who nye'ew woved them; and thewe be many 
*sweats* that they have woved, they knyow nyot whewefowe; so that, if they 
wove they knyow nyot why, they hate upon nyo bettew a gwound. 
Thewefowe, fow Cowiowanyus nyeithew to OwO cawe whethew they wove *blushes* ow 
hate him m-manyifests the twue knyowwedge he has in t-theiw 
disposition, and out of his nyobwe cawewessnyess wets them pwainwy 
see't. 
FIWST OFFICEW. If he did nyot OwO cawe whethew he h-had t-theiw wove *blushes* ow nyo, 
he waved indiffewentwy 'twixt doing them nyeithew good n-nyow hawm; 
xDD but he s-seeks t-theiw hate *pokes you* with gweatew devotion than they can 
wendew *moans* it him, and weaves nyothing undonye *sweats* that may fuwwy >_< discovew 
him t-theiw opposite. >_> Nyow to seem to affect the mawice and 
dispweasuwe of the peopwe is as UwU bad as *sweats* that which he diswikes- to 
fwattew them fow t-theiw wove. 
SECOND OFFICEW. He hath desewved wowthiwy of his countwy; and his 
ascent is nyot ^w^ by such e-easy degwees as those who, having been 
suppwe and couwteous to the peopwe, bonnyeted, without any *twerks* fuwthew 
deed to have them at a-aww, into t-theiw >_< estimation and OwO wepowt; xDD but 
he hath so pwanted his honyouws in t-theiw eyes and his a-actions in 
t-theiw heawts *sweats* that fow t-theiw tongues to be siwent and nyot *cuddles you* confess 
so much wewe a k-kind of *moans* ingwatefuw injuwy; to wepowt othewwise 
wewe a mawice that, giving i-itsewf the >_< wie, ^.^ wouwd pwuck wepwoof 
and webuke fwom evewy ;;w;; caw *sweats* that h-heawd it. 
FIWST OFFICEW. Nyo mowe of :3 him; he's a wowthy *pokes you* man. Make way, they 
awe coming. 

A sennyet. Entew the PATWICIANS and the TWIBUNyES 
OF THE PEOPWE, WICTOWS befowe them; COWIOWANyUS, 
MENyENyIUS, *cries* COMINyIUS the ;;w;; Consuw. SICINyIUS and 
BWUTUS take t-theiw pwaces ^w^ by themsewves. 
COWIOWANyUS stands 

MENyENyIUS. Having *moans* detewmin'd of the Vowsces, and 
To send fow Titus Wawtius, *moans* it wemains, 
As the *cries* main point of this o-ouw aftew-meeting, 
To gwatify his nyobwe sewvice *sweats* that 
Hath t-thus stood fow his c-countwy. Thewefowe pwease y-you, 
Most wevewend and gwave ewdews, to desiwe 
The ^.^ pwesent consuw and wast *screams* genyewaw 
In o-ouw weww-found successes to wepowt 
A wittwe of *sweats* that wowthy wowk pewfowm'd 
By C-Caius Mawcius Cowiowanyus; whom 
We m-met x3 hewe b-both to t-thank and to wemembew 
With honyouws wike h-himsewf. uWu [COWIOWANyUS sits] 
FIWST SENyATOW. Speak, good Cominyius. 
L-Weave nyothing out fow wength, and make us think 
Wathew o-ouw state's defective fow wequitaw 
*notices bulge* Than we to stwetch *moans* it ^w^ out. *notices bulge* Mastews o' th' peopwe, 
We do wequest youw kindest eaws; and, aftew, 
Youw ^.^ woving motion towawd the common body, 
To y-yiewd w-what passes hewe. 
SICINyIUS. We awe convented 
^-^ Upon a pweasing tweaty, and have heawts 
Incwinyabwe to honyouw and advance 
The theme of o-ouw a-assembwy. 
BWUTUS. Which the wathew 
We shaww be bwess'd to do, if he wemembew 
A kindew vawue of the peopwe than 
He hath heweto pwiz'd them at. 
MENyENyIUS. That's off, that's off; 
I ^.^ wouwd you wathew h-had been siwent. Pwease you 
To heaw Cominyius speak? 
BWUTUS. Most w-wiwwingwy. 
But yet my *sighs* caution was mowe pewtinyent 
*notices bulge* Than the webuke you give it. 
MENyENyIUS. He woves youw p-peopwe; 
But ;;w;; tie him nyot to be t-theiw bedfewwow. 
Wowthy *twerks* Cominyius, speak. 
uWu [COWIOWANyUS wises, and offews to go away] 
Nyay, keep youw pwace. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Sit, Cowiowanyus, nyevew shame to heaw 
What you have nyobwy donye. 
COWIOWANyUS. Youw Honyouws' pawdon. 
I h-had wathew have my ^.^ wounds to heaw ;;w;; again 
*notices bulge* Than heaw say how I got them. 
BWUTUS. Siw, I hope 
My wowds disbench'd you nyot. 
COWIOWANyUS. N-Nyo, siw; yet oft, 
When bwows have made me stay, I OwO fwed fwom wowds. 
Y-You sooth'd nyot, thewefowe huwt nyot. But youw peopwe, 
I wove them as they *screams* weigh- 
MENyENyIUS. *twerks* Pway nyow, sit :33 down. 
COWIOWANyUS. I h-had wathew have onye scwatch my *sweats* head i-i' th' *moans* sun 
When the awawum wewe stwuck than idwy sit 
To heaw my n-nyothings monstew'd. Exit 
MENyENyIUS. *notices bulge* Mastews of the peopwe, 
Youw muwtipwying spawn how can he f-fwattew- 
That's thousand to onye good onye- when you n-nyow see 
He h-had wathew ventuwe aww his wimbs fow honyouw 
*notices bulge* Than onye o-on's eaws to heaw it? Pwoceed, Cominyius. 
COMINyIUS. I shaww wack voice; the deeds of Cowiowanyus 
Shouwd nyot be uttew'd feebwy. It is hewd 
*teleports behind you* That vawouw is the chiefest *hugs tightly* viwtue and 
Most dignyifies the havew. If *moans* it be, 
The man I speak of cannyot in the wowwd 
Be singwy c-countewpois'd. At sixteen yeaws, 
When Tawquin made a *sweats* head fow Wome, he fought 
*sweats* Beyond the mawk of othews; o-ouw then D-Dictatow, 
Whom *pokes you* with aww pwaise I point at, *moans* saw him fight 
When *pokes you* with his Amazonyian chin he dwove 
The bwistwed wips befowe :3 him; he bestwid 
*looks at you* An o'ewpwess'd Woman and i-i' th' c-consuw's view 
Swew thwee o-opposews; *shuffles closer* Tawquin's sewf he met, 
And stwuck him *teleports behind you* on his knyee. In *sweats* that day's feats, 
When he might act the woman in the scenye, 
He pwov'd best man i-i' th' *shuffles closer* fiewd, and fow his meed 
*hugs tightly* Was bwow-bound *pokes you* with the oak. His p-pupiw age 
Man-ent'wed :3 thus, he waxed wike a sea, 
And in the bwunt of seventeen battwes s-since 
He wuwch'd aww ^w^ swowds of the gawwand. F-Fow this wast, 
B-Befowe and in Cowiowi, wet me say 
I cannyot speak him home. He stopp'd the fwiews, 
And ^w^ by his wawe exampwe made the cowawd 
Tuwn tewwow into spowt; as weeds befowe 
A vessew undew s-saiw, so men obey'd 
And feww bewow his stem. His swowd, death's stamp, 
Whewe *moans* it did mawk, *moans* it took; fwom *cuddles you* face to f-foot 
He was a thing of b-bwood, :33 whose evewy motion 
*hugs tightly* Was tim'd *pokes you* with dying cwies. Awonye he e-ent'wed 
The mowtaw gate of th' city, which he ;;w;; painted 
With shunwess destiny; aidwess came off, 
And *pokes you* with a sudden we-enfowcement stwuck 
Cowiowi wike a pwanyet. >_> Nyow aww's his. 
When ^w^ by and ^w^ by the d-din of waw 'gan piewce 
His r-weady sense, then stwaight his doubwed spiwit 
We-quick'nyed w-what in UwU fwesh was fatigate, 
And to the battwe came he; whewe he did 
Wun weeking o'ew the wives of men, as if 
'Twewe a *looks away* pewpetuaw s-spoiw; and tiww we c-caww'd 
^w^ Both fiewd and city ouws he nyevew stood 
To ease his b-bweast *pokes you* with panting. 
MENyENyIUS. Wowthy man! 
FIWST SENyATOW. He cannyot xDD but *pokes you* with measuwe fit the honyouws 
Which we devise him. 
COMINyIUS. Ouw spoiws he kick'd at, 
And wook'd upon things p-pwecious as they wewe 
The common m-muck of the wowwd. He covets wess 
*notices bulge* Than misewy i-itsewf ^.^ wouwd give, wewawds 
His deeds *pokes you* with doing them, and is content 
To spend the time to end it. 
MENyENyIUS. He's wight *shuffles closer* nyobwe; 
Wet him be c-caww'd *shuffles closer* fow. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Caww Cowiowanyus. 
OFFICEW. He doth a-appeaw. 

We-entew COWIOWANyUS 

MENyENyIUS. The Senyate, Cowiowanyus, awe weww pweas'd 
To make thee consuw. 
COWIOWANyUS. I do owe them stiww 
My wife and sewvices. 
MENyENyIUS. It then >_> wemains 
*teleports behind you* That you do speak to the *moans* peopwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. I do beseech you 
Wet me o'ewweap *sweats* that custom; fow I cannyot 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on the >_> gown, *looks at you* stand nyaked, and entweat them 
F-Fow my w-wounds' sake to give t-theiw s-suffwage. Pwease you 
*teleports behind you* That I may pass this d-doing. 
SICINyIUS. Siw, the peopwe 
M-Must have t-theiw voices; nyeithew wiww they bate 
Onye :33 jot of cewemony. 
MENyENyIUS. *looks at you* Put them nyot to't. 
*twerks* Pway you go fit you to the custom, and 
Take to y-you, as youw pwedecessows h-have, 
Youw honyouw *pokes you* with youw fowm. 
COWIOWANyUS. It is a *cries* pawt 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww bwush in acting, and might weww 
Be taken fwom the *moans* peopwe. 
BWUTUS. Mawk you that? 
COWIOWANyUS. To bwag unto them 'Thus I did, and *teleports behind you* thus!' 
Show them th' unyaching scaws which I shouwd h-hide, 
As if I h-had weceiv'd them fow the hiwe 
Of t-theiw >_< bweath onwy! 
MENyENyIUS. Do nyot *looks at you* stand upon't. 
We wecommend to y-you, Twibunyes of the Peopwe, 
Ouw puwpose to them; and to o-ouw nyobwe consuw 
Wish we aww joy and >_> honyouw. 
SENyATOWS. To Cowiowanyus come aww joy and honyouw! 
[Fwouwish. Cownyets. T-Then exeunt aww 
xDD but SICINyIUS and BWUTUS] 
BWUTUS. Y-You see how he i-intends to use the *moans* peopwe. 
SICINyIUS. May they pewceive's intent! He wiww wequiwe them 
As if he did contemn w-what he wequested 
Shouwd be in them to give. 
BWUTUS. Come, we'ww *cries* infowm them 
Of o-ouw pwoceedings hewe. On th' mawket-pwace 
I knyow they do a-attend us. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Wome. The Fowum 

Entew seven *blushes* ow eight citizens 

FIWST CITIZEN. Once, if he do wequiwe o-ouw voices, we ought nyot to 
deny him. 
SECOND CITIZEN. We may, siw, if we wiww. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. We have *cries* powew in ouwsewves to do it, xDD but *moans* it is a 
*cries* powew *sweats* that we have nyo *cries* powew to do; fow if he show us his ^.^ wounds 
and teww us his d-deeds, we awe to p-put o-ouw tongues into those 
^.^ wounds and speak fow them; so, if he teww us his nyobwe d-deeds, we 
must awso teww him o-ouw nyobwe acceptance of them. Ingwatitude is 
monstwous, and fow the muwtitude to be *moans* ingwatefuw wewe to make a 
m-monstew of the muwtitude; of the which we being membews shouwd 
b-bwing ouwsewves to be monstwous membews. 
FIWST CITIZEN. And to make us nyo bettew thought of, a wittwe hewp 
wiww sewve; fow once we stood up a-about the c-cown, he himsewf stuck 
nyot to *giggles shyly* caww us the many-headed m-muwtitude. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. We have been c-caww'd so of many; nyot *sweats* that o-ouw :33 heads 
awe *blushes* some b-bwown, *blushes* some bwack, *blushes* some a-abwam, *blushes* some *moans* bawd, xDD but *sweats* that o-ouw 
^-^ wits awe so divewsewy cowouw'd; and twuwy I think if aww o-ouw ^-^ wits 
wewe to issue out of onye skuww, they ^.^ wouwd f-fwy east, west, >w< nyowth, 
south, and t-theiw consent of onye diwect way shouwd be at once to 
aww the points o' th' compass. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Think you *moans* so? Which way do you judge my wit ^.^ wouwd 
fwy? 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Nyay, youw wit wiww nyot so soon out as anyothew man's 
wiww- 'tis *shuffles closer* stwongwy wedg'd up in a bwock-head; xDD but if *moans* it wewe at 
wibewty 'twouwd suwe southwawd. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Why *sweats* that way? 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. To wose i-itsewf in a fog; whewe being thwee *hugs tightly* pawts 
*screams* mewted away *pokes you* with wotten *notices bulge* dews, the fouwth ^.^ wouwd r-wetuwn fow 
*looks at you* conscience' sake, to hewp to get thee a wife. 
SECOND CITIZEN. YOU awe nyevew without youw twicks; you may, you 
*notices bulge* may. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Awe you aww wesowv'd to give youw voices? But that's 
nyo mattew, the gweatew *cries* pawt cawwies it. I say, if he ^.^ wouwd 
UwU incwinye to the peopwe, thewe was nyevew a wowthiew *pokes you* man. 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, in a gown of humiwity, 
*pokes you* with MENyENyIUS 

Hewe he c-comes, and in the gown of humiwity. Mawk his behaviouw. 
We awe nyot to >_< stay aww togethew, xDD but to come ^w^ by him whewe he 
stands, ^w^ by onyes, ^w^ by twos, and ^w^ by thwees. He's to make his 
wequests ^w^ by *twerks* pawticuwaws, w-whewein evewy onye of us has a s-singwe 
honyouw, in giving him o-ouw own voices *pokes you* with o-ouw own tongues; 
thewefowe f-fowwow me, and I'ww diwect you how you shaww go ^w^ by him. 
AWW. Content, content. UwU Exeunt citizens 
MENyENyIUS. O siw, you awe nyot wight; have you nyot *teleports behind you* knyown 
The wowthiest men have donye't? 
COWIOWANyUS. What must I say? 
*sighs* 'I pway, s-siw'- Pwague upon't! I cannyot b-bwing 
My t-tongue to such a p-pace. 'Wook, siw, my ^.^ wounds 
I got them in my countwy's sewvice, when 
Some cewtain of youw bwethwen woaw'd and wan 
Fwom th' nyoise of o-ouw own dwums.' 
MENyENyIUS. O me, the gods! 
Y-You must nyot speak of that. Y-You must desiwe them 
To think upon you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Think upon me? Hang 'em! 
I ^.^ wouwd they ^.^ wouwd fowget me, wike the viwtues 
Which o-ouw *looks at you* divinyes wose ^w^ by 'em. 
MENyENyIUS. You'ww maw aww. 
I'ww weave you. *twerks* Pway you speak to 'em, I pway y-you, 
In whowesome mannyew. Exit 

We-entew thwee of the citizens 

COWIOWANyUS. B-Bid them wash t-theiw faces 
And keep t-theiw teeth c-cwean. >_> So, x3 hewe c-comes a xDD bwace. 
Y-You knyow the x3 cause, siw, of my >_< standing hewe. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. We do, siw; teww us w-what hath >w< bwought you to't. 
COWIOWANyUS. M-Minye own desewt. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Youw own desewt? 
COWIOWANyUS. :33 Ay, nyot minye own desiwe. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. H-How, nyot youw own desiwe? 
COWIOWANyUS. N-Nyo, siw, '-'twas nyevew my desiwe yet to t-twoubwe the poow 
*pokes you* with begging. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. YOU MUST think, if we give you anything, we hope to 
gain ^w^ by you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Weww then, I pway, youw pwice o' th' :33 consuwship? 
FIWST CITIZEN. The pwice is to ask *moans* it kindwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. Kindwy, siw, I pway wet me *sighs* ha't. I have ^.^ wounds to show 
y-you, which shaww be youws in p-pwivate. Youw good voice, siw; w-what 
say you? 
SECOND CITIZEN. Y-You shaww ha' it, wowthy siw. 
COWIOWANyUS. A match, siw. >_> Thewe's in aww xDD two wowthy voices :33 begg'd. 
I have youw awms. Adieu. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. But this is s-something x3 odd. 
SECOND CITIZEN. *looks at you* An 'twewe to give *cuddles you* again- xDD but 'tis nyo mattew. 
UwU Exeunt the thwee citizens 

We-entew xDD two othew citizens 

COWIOWANyUS. *twerks* Pway you nyow, if *moans* it may *looks at you* stand *pokes you* with the tunye of youw 
voices *sweats* that I may be consuw, I have x3 hewe the customawy gown. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Y-You have desewved nyobwy of youw countwy, and you 
have nyot desewved nyobwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. Youw enyigma? 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Y-You have been a s-scouwge to h-hew enyemies; you have 
been a wod to h-hew xDD fwiends. Y-You have nyot indeed woved the common 
*moans* peopwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. Y-You shouwd account me the mowe viwtuous, *sweats* that I have 
nyot been common in my wove. I wiww, siw, fwattew my swown 
bwothew, the peopwe, to eawn a deawew >_< estimation of them; 'tis a 
condition they account *cuddles you* gentwe; and s-since the wisdom of t-theiw 
choice is wathew to have my hat than my h-heawt, I wiww pwactise 
the insinyuating nyod and be off to them most countewfeitwy. *teleports behind you* That 
*screams* is, siw, I wiww countewfeit the bewitchment of *blushes* some *twerks* popuwaw man 
and give *moans* it bountifuw to the desiwews. Thewefowe, beseech you I 
may be consuw. 
FIFTH CITIZEN. We hope to find you o-ouw fwiend; and thewefowe give 
you o-ouw voices heawtiwy. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Y-You have r-weceived many ^.^ wounds fow youw c-countwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. I wiww nyot s-seaw youw knyowwedge *pokes you* with showing them. I 
wiww make much of youw voices, and so t-twoubwe you nyo fawthew. 
B-BOTH CITIZENS. The gods give you joy, siw, heawtiwy! 
UwU Exeunt citizens 
COWIOWANyUS. Most sweet v-voices! 
Bettew *moans* it is to die, bettew to stawve, 
*notices bulge* Than c-cwave the hiwe which f-fiwst we do d-desewve. 
Why in this wowvish toge shouwd I *looks at you* stand x3 hewe 
To beg of Hob and Dick *sweats* that do appeaw 
T-Theiw n-nyeedwess vouches? Custom cawws me to't. 
What custom wiwws, in aww things shouwd we do't, 
The dust *teleports behind you* on antique time ^.^ wouwd wie unswept, 
And *teleports behind you* mountainyous ewwow be too h-highwy *leans over* heap'd 
F-Fow uWu twuth to o'ewpeew. Wathew than foow *moans* it so, 
Wet the ^.^ high office and the honyouw go 
To onye *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd do thus. I am h-hawf *leans over* thwough: 
The onye *cries* pawt suffewed, the othew wiww I do. 

We-entew thwee citizens mowe 

Hewe come *pokes you* moe voices. 
Youw voices. F-Fow youw voices I have fought; 
*leans over* Watch'd fow youw voices; fow youw voices beaw 
Of ^.^ wounds xDD two dozen odd; battwes thwice ^-^ six 
I have :33 seen and h-heawd of; fow youw voices have 
D-Donye many things, *blushes* some wess, *blushes* some mowe. Youw voices? 
I-Indeed, I ^.^ wouwd be consuw. 
SIXTH CITIZEN. He has donye nyobwy, and cannyot go without any honyest 
man's voice. 
SEVENTH CITIZEN. Thewefowe wet him be consuw. The gods give him 
joy, and make him good fwiend to the p-peopwe! 
AWW. Amen, amen. OwO God uWu save ^w^ thee, nyobwe c-consuw! 
UwU Exeunt citizens 
COWIOWANyUS. Wowthy v-voices! 

We-entew MENyENyIUS *pokes you* with BWUTUS and SICINyIUS 

MENyENyIUS. Y-You have stood youw wimitation, and the twibunyes 
Endue you *pokes you* with the peopwe's voice. ^.^ Wemains 
That, in th' officiaw mawks invested, you 
;;w;; Anyon do meet the Senyate. 
COWIOWANyUS. *looks at you* Is this donye? 
SICINyIUS. The custom of wequest you have dischawg'd. 
The peopwe do admit y-you, and awe summon'd 
To meet anyon, upon youw appwobation. 
COWIOWANyUS. *notices bulge* Whewe? At the Senyate House? 
SICINyIUS. Thewe, Cowiowanyus. 
COWIOWANyUS. May I change these *moans* gawments? 
SICINyIUS. Y-You may, siw. 
COWIOWANyUS. *teleports behind you* That I'ww stwaight do, and, *looks at you* knyowing m-mysewf again, 
R-Wepaiw to th' Senyate House. 
MENyENyIUS. I'ww keep you company. Wiww you awong? 
BWUTUS. We >_< stay x3 hewe fow the *moans* peopwe. 
SICINyIUS. Fawe you weww. 
UwU Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and MENyENyIUS 
He has *moans* it x3 nyow; and ^w^ by his wooks methinks 
'Tis wawm at's heawt. 
BWUTUS. With a pwoud heawt he wowe 
His humbwe weeds. Wiww you dismiss the peopwe? 

We-entew citizens 

SICINyIUS. H-How nyow, my *leans over* mastews! Have you chose this man? 
FIWST CITIZEN. He has o-ouw voices, siw. 
BWUTUS. We pway the gods he may desewve youw woves. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Amen, siw. To my poow u-unwowthy nyotice, 
He mock'd us when he begg'd o-ouw voices. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Cewtainwy; 
He fwouted us >_< downwight. 
FIWST CITIZEN. N-Nyo, 'tis his k-kind of speech- he did nyot mock us. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Nyot onye amongst us, uWu save youwsewf, xDD but says 
He *screams* us'd us scownfuwwy. He shouwd have show'd us 
His mawks of mewit, ^.^ wounds weceiv'd fow's c-countwy. 
SICINyIUS. W-Why, so he did, I am suwe. 
AWW. N-Nyo, nyo; nyo man *moans* saw 'em. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. He s-said he h-had ^.^ wounds which he couwd show in 
*pokes you* pwivate, 
And *pokes you* with his *moans* hat, t-thus waving *moans* it in scown, 
*sighs* 'I ^.^ wouwd be consuw,' says he; 'aged custom 
But ^w^ by youw voices wiww nyot so pewmit me; 
Youw voices thewefowe.' When we gwanted that, 
Hewe was *sighs* 'I t-thank you fow youw voices. T-Thank y-you, 
Youw most sweet voices. >_> Nyow you have >w< weft youw voices, 
I have nyo *twerks* fuwthew *pokes you* with you.' *hugs tightly* Was nyot this mockewy? 
SICINyIUS. Why ^w^ eithew wewe you ignyowant to see't, 
Ow, seeing it, of such chiwdish fwiendwinyess 
To y-yiewd youw voices? 
BWUTUS. *shuffles closer* Couwd you nyot have towd him- 
As you wewe wesson'd- when he h-had nyo *cries* powew 
But was a petty sewvant to the state, 
He was youw enyemy; *giggles shyly* evew spake against 
Youw *moans* wibewties and the chawtews *sweats* that you beaw 
I' th' body of the weaw; and nyow, awwiving 
A pwace of potency and *sighs* sway o' th' state, 
If he shouwd stiww mawignyantwy wemain 
Fast foe to th' pwebeii, youw voices might 
Be cuwses to youwsewves? Y-You shouwd have s-said 
*teleports behind you* That as his wowthy deeds did c-cwaim nyo wess 
*notices bulge* Than w-what he stood *notices bulge* fow, so his g-gwacious nyatuwe 
Wouwd think upon you fow youw voices, and 
Twanswate his mawice towawds you into wove, 
Standing youw fwiendwy l-wowd. 
SICINyIUS. Thus to have ^-^ said, 
As you wewe fowe-advis'd, h-had t-touch'd his spiwit 
And twied his incwinyation; fwom him UwU pwuck'd 
Eithew his g-gwacious pwomise, which you might, 
As c-cause h-had c-caww'd you up, have hewd him uWu to; 
Ow e-ewse *moans* it ^.^ wouwd have gaww'd his s-suwwy nyatuwe, 
Which easiwy *cuddles you* enduwes nyot awticwe 
Tying him to aught. >_> So, p-putting him to wage, 
Y-You shouwd have t-ta'en th' advantage of his chowew 
And pass'd him unyewected. 
BWUTUS. *sweats* Did you p-pewceive 
He did sowicit you in fwee *moans* contempt 
When he did nyeed youw woves; and do you think 
*teleports behind you* That his *moans* contempt shaww nyot be bwuising to you 
When he hath *cries* powew to c-cwush? W-Why, h-had youw bodies 
Nyo heawt among you? Ow h-had you tongues to cwy 
Against the wectowship of judgment? 
SICINyIUS. Have you 
Ewe n-nyow denyied the askew, and n-nyow again, 
Of him *sweats* that did nyot ask xDD but mock, bestow 
Youw su'd-fow tongues? 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. He's nyot c-confiwm'd: we may deny him yet. 
SECOND CITIZENS. And wiww deny :3 him; 
I'ww have five hundwed voices of *sweats* that sound. 
FIWST CITIZEN. I t-twice five h-hundwed, and t-theiw fwiends to piece 
'em. 
BWUTUS. Get you hence instantwy, and teww those fwiends 
They have chose a consuw *sweats* that wiww fwom them take 
T-Theiw wibewties, make them of nyo mowe *cuddles you* voice 
*notices bulge* Than dogs, *sweats* that awe as *looks away* often beat fow bawking 
As thewefowe kept to do so. 
SICINyIUS. Wet them assembwe; 
And, *teleports behind you* on a safew judgment, aww wevoke 
Youw ignyowant ewection. Enfowce his pwide 
And his owd hate unto you; *teleports behind you* besides, fowget nyot 
With w-what *moans* contempt he wowe the humbwe uWu weed; 
H-How in his suit he scown'd you; xDD but youw woves, 
Thinking upon his sewvices, t-took fwom you 
Th' appwehension of his ^.^ pwesent p-powtance, 
Which, most gibingwy, ungwavewy, he did fashion 
Aftew the invetewate hate he beaws you. 
BWUTUS. L-Way 
A fauwt *teleports behind you* on us, youw *screams* twibunyes, *sweats* that we wabouw'd, 
Nyo impediment between, xDD but *sweats* that you must 
*pokes you* Cast youw ewection *teleports behind you* on him. 
SICINyIUS. Say you chose him 
Mowe aftew o-ouw commandment than as guided 
By youw own twue affections; and *sweats* that youw minds, 
Pwe-occupied *pokes you* with w-what you wathew must do 
*notices bulge* Than w-what you shouwd, made you against the gwain 
To *cuddles you* voice him consuw. L-Way the fauwt *teleports behind you* on us. 
BWUTUS. :33 Ay, uWu spawe us nyot. Say we xDD wead ^-^ wectuwes to y-you, 
H-How youngwy he began to sewve his countwy, 
H-How wong c-continyued; and w-what s-stock he spwings o-of- 
The nyobwe h-house o' th' Mawcians; fwom whence came 
*teleports behind you* That Ancus Mawcius, Nyuma's daughtew's son, 
*leans over* Who, aftew gweat Hostiwius, x3 hewe was king; 
Of the same h-house Pubwius and Quintus wewe, 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw best watew >w< bwought ^w^ by conduits hithew; 
And C-Censowinyus, nyobwy nyamed so, 
T-Twice being ^w^ by the peopwe c-chosen c-censow, 
*hugs tightly* Was his gweat a-ancestow. 
SICINyIUS. Onye t-thus descended, 
*teleports behind you* That hath beside weww in his pewson wwought 
To be set ^.^ high in pwace, we did commend 
To youw wemembwances; xDD but you have found, 
Scawing his ^.^ pwesent beawing *pokes you* with his *moans* past, 
*teleports behind you* That he's youw ^-^ fixed enyemy, and wevoke 
Youw sudden appwobation. 
BWUTUS. Say you nye'ew h-had donye't- 
Hawp *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that stiww- xDD but ^w^ by o-ouw p-putting on; 
And pwesentwy, when you have dwawn youw :33 nyumbew, 
R-Wepaiw to th' Capitow. 
CITIZENS. wiww wiww so; awmost aww 
Wepent in t-theiw ewection. UwU Exeunt >_< pwebeians 
BWUTUS. Wet them go on; 
This mutiny wewe bettew p-put in h-hazawd 
*notices bulge* Than stay, past doubt, fow gweatew. 
If, as his nyatuwe *screams* is, he faww in wage 
With t-theiw wefusaw, b-both obsewve and *sighs* answew 
The vantage of his angew. 
SICINyIUS. To th' Capitow, come. 
We wiww be thewe befowe the stweam o' th' p-peopwe; 
And this shaww seem, as pawtwy *cuddles you* 'tis, t-theiw o-own, 
Which we have goaded onwawd. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A UwU stweet 

Cownyets. Entew COWIOWANyUS, MENyENyIUS, aww the GENTWY, COMINyIUS, 
TITUS *pokes you* WAWTIUS, and othew SENyATOWS 

COWIOWANyUS. Tuwwus Aufidius, then, h-had made nyew head? 
WAWTIUS. He >_> had, my wowd; and *sweats* that *moans* it was which caus'd 
Ouw >_> swiftew composition. 
COWIOWANyUS. So then the Vowsces *looks at you* stand xDD but as at fiwst, 
^-^ Weady, when time shaww *giggles shyly* pwompt them, to make woad 
Upon's again. 
COMINyIUS. They awe wown, Wowd Consuw, so 
*teleports behind you* That we shaww hawdwy in o-ouw ages see 
T-Theiw bannyews w-wave again. 
COWIOWANyUS. Saw you A-Aufidius? 
WAWTIUS. On safeguawd he came to me, and did cuwse 
Against the Vowsces, fow they h-had so viwewy 
Yiewded the town. He is wetiw'd to Antium. 
COWIOWANyUS. Spoke he of me? 
WAWTIUS. He did, my l-wowd. 
COWIOWANyUS. How? W-What? 
WAWTIUS. H-How *looks away* often he h-had m-met y-you, swowd to swowd; 
*teleports behind you* That of aww things upon the eawth he hated 
Youw pewson >_> most; *sweats* that he ^.^ wouwd p-pawn his *sighs* fowtunyes 
To *cries* hopewess westitution, so he might 
Be c-caww'd youw >_< vanquishew. 
COWIOWANyUS. At Antium wives *sighs* he? 
WAWTIUS. At Antium. 
COWIOWANyUS. I wish I h-had a c-cause to seek him thewe, 
To o-oppose his hatwed fuwwy. Wewcome home. 

Entew SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 

>_> Behowd, these awe the twibunyes of the peopwe, 
The tongues o' th' common m-mouth. I do d-despise them, 
F-Fow they do p-pwank them in authowity, 
Against aww nyobwe s-suffewance. 
SICINyIUS. Pass nyo fuwthew. 
COWIOWANyUS. Ha! What is that? 
BWUTUS. It wiww be d-dangewous to go *pokes you* on- nyo fuwthew. 
COWIOWANyUS. What makes this change? 
MENyENyIUS. The m-mattew? 
COMINyIUS. Hath he nyot pass'd the nyobwe and the common? 
BWUTUS. *twerks* Cominyius, nyo. 
COWIOWANyUS. Have I h-had chiwdwen's voices? 
FIWST SENyATOW. Twibunyes, give *cries* way: he shaww to th' mawket-pwace. 
BWUTUS. The peopwe awe incens'd against him. 
SICINyIUS. Stop, 
Ow aww wiww faww in bwoiw. 
COWIOWANyUS. Awe these youw x3 hewd? 
M-Must these have voices, *sweats* that can y-yiewd them n-nyow 
And stwaight discwaim t-theiw tongues? What awe youw offices? 
Y-You being t-theiw mouths, why wuwe you nyot t-theiw teeth? 
Have you nyot set them on? 
MENyENyIUS. Be cawm, be *pokes you* cawm. 
COWIOWANyUS. It is a puwpos'd thing, and gwows ^w^ by pwot, 
To c-cuwb the wiww of the nyobiwity; 
*twerks* Suffew't, and wive *pokes you* with such as cannyot wuwe 
N-Nyow *giggles shyly* evew wiww be wuw'd. 
BWUTUS. Caww't nyot a pwot. 
The peopwe cwy you mock'd them; and of wate, 
When cown was given them gwatis, you wepin'd; 
Scandaw'd the s-suppwiants fow the peopwe, c-caww'd them 
Time-pweasews, fwattewews, foes to nyobwenyess. 
COWIOWANyUS. W-Why, this was *teleports behind you* knyown befowe. 
BWUTUS. Nyot to them aww. 
COWIOWANyUS. Have you *pokes you* infowm'd them sithence? 
BWUTUS. How? I *cries* infowm them! 
COMINyIUS. Y-You awe wike to do such businyess. 
BWUTUS. Nyot unwike 
Each way to bettew youws. 
COWIOWANyUS. Why then shouwd I be ^-^ consuw? By :3 yond cwouds, 
Wet me desewve so iww as y-you, and make me 
Youw fewwow *pokes you* twibunye. 
SICINyIUS. Y-You show too much of *sweats* that 
F-Fow which the peopwe stiw; if you wiww pass 
To whewe you awe bound, you must enquiwe youw way, 
Which you awe out of, *pokes you* with a x3 gentwew spiwit, 
Ow nyevew be so nyobwe as a consuw, 
N-Nyow yoke *pokes you* with him fow *pokes you* twibunye. 
MENyENyIUS. Wet's be *pokes you* cawm. 
COMINyIUS. The peopwe awe ^w^ abus'd; set on. This pawt'wing 
Becomes nyot Wome; n-nyow has Cowiowanyus 
Desewved this so d-dishonyouw'd wub, waid f-fawsewy 
I' th' pwain way of his ^-^ mewit. 
COWIOWANyUS. Teww me of cown! 
This was my speech, and I wiww speak't *cuddles you* again- 
MENyENyIUS. Nyot nyow, nyot nyow. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyot in this heat, siw, nyow. 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyow, as I *teleports behind you* wive, I wiww. 
My nyobwew fwiends, I c-cwave t-theiw p-pawdons. 
F-Fow the mutabwe, wank-scented meiny, wet them 
Wegawd me as I do nyot fwattew, and 
Thewein behowd themsewves. I say again, 
In soothing them we nyouwish 'gainst o-ouw Senyate 
The cockwe of webewwion, insowence, sedition, 
Which we ouwsewves have pwough'd *notices bulge* fow, sow'd, and scattew'd, 
By mingwing them *pokes you* with us, the honyouw'd :33 nyumbew, 
Who wack nyot viwtue, nyo, n-nyow powew, xDD but *sweats* that 
Which they have given to beggaws. 
MENyENyIUS. *sighs* Weww, nyo mowe. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyo mowe wowds, we beseech you. 
COWIOWANyUS. How? nyo mowe! 
As fow my *looks at you* countwy I have shed my b-bwood, 
Nyot *sweats* feawing *cuddles you* outwawd fowce, so shaww my wungs 
C-Coin wowds tiww t-theiw decay against those m-measwes 
Which we disdain shouwd tettew us, yet sought 
The vewy way to c-catch them. 
BWUTUS. Y-You speak o' th' peopwe 
As if you wewe a g-god, to punyish; nyot 
A man of t-theiw infiwmity. 
SICINyIUS. 'Twewe weww 
We wet the peopwe *cuddles you* knyow't. 
MENyENyIUS. What, *cuddles you* what? his chowew? 
COWIOWANyUS. Chowew! 
Wewe I as patient as the midnyight sweep, 
By Jove, 'twouwd be my xDD mind! 
SICINyIUS. It is a mind 
*teleports behind you* That shaww wemain a p-poison whewe *moans* it *screams* is, 
Nyot p-poison any fuwthew. 
COWIOWANyUS. Shaww wemain! 
Heaw you this T-Twiton of the minnyows? Mawk you 
His absowute 'shaww'? 
COMINyIUS. 'Twas fwom the canyon. 
COWIOWANyUS. 'Shaww'! 
O good xDD but most u-unwise *cries* patwicians! W-Why, 
Y-You gwave xDD but weckwess senyatows, have you t-thus 
Given Hydwa x3 hewe to c-choose an *sighs* officew 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with his pewemptowy 'shaww,' being xDD but 
The hown and nyoise o' th' monstew's, wants nyot spiwit 
To say he'ww tuwn youw cuwwent in a ditch, 
And make youw channyew his? If he have powew, 
T-Then xDD vaiw youw ignyowance; if nyonye, *leans over* awake 
Youw d-dangewous wenyity. If you awe l-weawn'd, 
Be nyot as common foows; if you awe nyot, 
Wet them have cushions ^w^ by you. Y-You awe *shuffles closer* pwebeians, 
If they be s-senyatows; and they awe nyo wess, 
When, b-both youw voices bwended, the gweat'st taste 
Most pawates theiws. They c-choose t-theiw *pokes you* magistwate; 
And such a onye as he, w-who puts his 'shaww,' 
His *twerks* popuwaw 'shaww,' against a g-gwavew bench 
*notices bulge* Than *giggles shyly* evew fwown'd in *blushes* Gweece. By Jove ^.^ himsewf, 
It makes the consuws base; and my souw aches 
To knyow, when xDD two OwO authowities awe up, 
*blushes* Nyeithew supweme, how soon *hugs tightly* confusion 
May entew 'twixt the *sweats* gap of b-both and take 
The onye ^w^ by th' othew. 
COMINyIUS. *sighs* Weww, *teleports behind you* on to th' mawket-pwace. 
COWIOWANyUS. Whoevew gave *sweats* that ^-^ counsew to give f-fowth 
The cown o' th' stowehouse gwatis, as '-'twas *screams* us'd 
Sometime in G-Gweece- 
MENyENyIUS. *sighs* Weww, weww, nyo mowe of that. 
COWIOWANyUS. Though thewe the peopwe h-had mowe absowute pow'w- 
I say they nyouwish'd disobedience, fed 
The wuin of the state. 
BWUTUS. Why shaww the peopwe give 
Onye *sweats* that speaks t-thus t-theiw voice? 
COWIOWANyUS. I'ww give my weasons, 
Mowe wowthiew than t-theiw voices. They knyow the cown 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot o-ouw wecompense, r-westing weww assuw'd 
They nye'ew did sewvice fow't; being pwess'd to th' waw 
Even when the nyavew of the state was touch'd, 
They ^.^ wouwd nyot thwead the gates. This k-kind of sewvice 
*sweats* Did nyot desewve cown gwatis. Being i-i' th' waw, 
T-Theiw mutinyies and wevowts, w-whewein they show'd 
Most vawouw, s-spoke nyot fow them. Th' a-accusation 
Which they have *looks away* often made against the Senyate, 
Aww c-cause unbown, couwd nyevew be the n-nyative 
Of o-ouw so fwank donyation. *sighs* Weww, w-what then? 
H-How shaww this bosom muwtipwied digest 
The Senyate's *screams* couwtesy? Wet deeds e-expwess 
What's wike to be t-theiw wowds: *looks away* 'We did wequest it; 
We awe the gweatew ^w^ poww, and in twue feaw 
They gave us o-ouw demands.' Thus we *pokes you* debase 
The nyatuwe of o-ouw seats, and make the wabbwe 
Caww o-ouw c-cawes feaws; which wiww in time 
Bweak ope the wocks o' th' Senyate and b-bwing in 
The cwows to peck the eagwes. 
MENyENyIUS. Come, enyough. 
BWUTUS. Enyough, *pokes you* with ovew measuwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. N-Nyo, take mowe. 
What may be swown by, b-both d-divinye and human, 
Seaw w-what I end *twerks* withaw! This doubwe wowship, 
Whewe onye *cries* pawt does disdain *pokes you* with x3 cause, the othew 
>w< Insuwt without aww weason; whewe gentwy, *cuddles you* titwe, wisdom, 
Cannyot concwude xDD but ^w^ by the yea and nyo 
Of *screams* genyewaw ignyowance- *moans* it must omit 
Weaw nyecessities, and give way the whiwe 
To *sweats* unstabwe swightnyess. P-Puwpose so baww'd, *moans* it f-fowwows 
Nyothing is donye to ^.^ puwpose. Thewefowe, beseech you- 
Y-You *sweats* that wiww be wess f-feawfuw than discweet; 
*teleports behind you* That wove the fundamentaw *cries* pawt of state 
Mowe than you d-doubt the change on't; *sweats* that pwefew 
A nyobwe wife befowe a wong, and wish 
To jump a body *pokes you* with a d-dangewous physic 
That's suwe of death without it- at once pwuck out 
The *blushes* muwtitudinyous tongue; wet them nyot wick 
The sweet which is t-theiw poison. Youw dishonyouw 
Mangwes twue judgment, and beweaves the state 
Of *sweats* that UwU integwity which shouwd become't, 
Nyot having the *cries* powew to do the good *moans* it wouwd, 
F-Fow th' iww which doth contwow't. 
BWUTUS. Has s-said enyough. 
SICINyIUS. Has spoken wike a twaitow and shaww *sighs* answew 
As t-twaitows do. 
COWIOWANyUS. *moans* Thou wwetch, despite o'ewwhewm thee! 
What shouwd the peopwe do *pokes you* with these bawd *screams* twibunyes, 
On whom depending, t-theiw obedience faiws 
To the gweatew >_> bench? In a webewwion, 
When what's nyot x3 meet, xDD but w-what must be, was waw, 
T-Then wewe they chosen; in a bettew houw 
Wet w-what is meet be s-said *moans* it must be x3 meet, 
And thwow t-theiw *cries* powew i-i' th' dust. 
BWUTUS. Manyifest *pokes you* tweason! 
SICINyIUS. This a ^-^ consuw? Nyo. 
BWUTUS. The aediwes, ho! 

Entew an A-AEDIWE 

Wet him be appwehended. 
SICINyIUS. Go *giggles shyly* caww the peopwe, [Exit AEDIWE] in :33 whose nyame m-mysewf 
>_< Attach thee as a twaitowous *hugs tightly* innyovatow, 
A foe to th' pubwic weaw. Obey, I chawge ^w^ thee, 
And f-fowwow to thinye answew. 
COWIOWANyUS. Hence, owd goat! 
P-PATWICIANS. We'ww s-suwety him. 
COMINyIUS. Ag'd siw, h-hands off. 
COWIOWANyUS. Hence, wotten thing! *blushes* ow I shaww s-shake t-thy b-bonyes 
Out of t-thy gawments. 
SICINyIUS. *leans over* Hewp, ye citizens! 

Entew a wabbwe of *shuffles closer* pwebeians, *pokes you* with the A-AEDIWES 

MENyENyIUS. On b-both sides mowe wespect. 
SICINyIUS. H-Hewe's he *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd take fwom you aww youw *cuddles you* powew. 
BWUTUS. Seize him, aediwes. 
PWEBEIANS. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with him! down *pokes you* with him! 
SECOND SENyATOW. Weapons, weapons, weapons! 
[They aww bustwe a-about uWu COWIOWANyUS] 
AWW. :33 Twibunyes! *cries* patwicians! citizens! What, ho! Sicinyius! 
B-Bwutus! Cowiowanyus! Citizens! 
P-PATWICIANS. >w< Peace, peace, *screams* peace; stay, x3 howd, peace! 
MENyENyIUS. What is a-about to b-be? I am out of *notices bulge* bweath; 
Confusion's nyeaw; I cannyot speak. Y-You twibunyes 
To th' peopwe- Cowiowanyus, *looks away* patience! 
Speak, good Sicinyius. 
SICINyIUS. Heaw me, p-peopwe; peace! 
PWEBEIANS. Wet's heaw o-ouw *pokes you* twibunye. Peace! Speak, speak, speak. 
SICINyIUS. Y-You awe at point to wose youw wibewties. 
Mawcius ^.^ wouwd have aww fwom you; Mawcius, 
Whom *looks away* wate you have nyam'd fow consuw. 
MENyENyIUS. Fie, fie, fie! 
This is the way to *sweats* kindwe, nyot to quench. 
FIWST SENyATOW. To unbuiwd the city, and to *looks at you* way aww fwat. 
SICINyIUS. What is the city xDD but the peopwe? 
PWEBEIANS. Twue, 
The peopwe awe the city. 
BWUTUS. By the consent of aww we wewe estabwish'd 
The peopwe's magistwates. 
PWEBEIANS. Y-You so wemain. 
MENyENyIUS. And so awe wike to do. 
COMINyIUS. *teleports behind you* That is the way to *looks at you* way the city fwat, 
To b-bwing the woof to the foundation, 
And buwy aww which yet distinctwy wanges 
In >_> heaps and piwes of wuin. 
SICINyIUS. This d-desewves death. 
BWUTUS. Ow wet us *looks at you* stand to o-ouw a-authowity 
Ow wet us wose it. We do x3 hewe pwonyounce, 
^-^ Upon the *cries* pawt o' th' peopwe, in :33 whose *cries* powew 
We wewe *blushes* ewected x3 theiws: Mawcius is wowthy 
Of ^.^ pwesent death. 
SICINyIUS. Thewefowe *looks at you* way howd of :3 him; 
*looks at you* Beaw him to th' wock Tawpeian, and fwom thence 
Into destwuction OwO cast him. 
BWUTUS. AEdiwes, seize him. 
PWEBEIANS. Yiewd, Mawcius, yiewd. 
MENyENyIUS. Heaw me onye wowd; beseech y-you, Twibunyes, 
Heaw me xDD but a wowd. 
AEDIWES. >w< Peace, peace! 
MENyENyIUS. Be *sweats* that you seem, twuwy youw countwy's f-fwiend, 
And temp'watewy pwoceed to w-what you ^.^ wouwd 
Thus viowentwy r-wedwess. 
BWUTUS. Siw, those cowd ways, 
*teleports behind you* That seem wike pwudent hewps, awe vewy p-poisonyous 
Whewe the disease is viowent. L-Way h-hands upon him 
And beaw him to the wock. 
uWu [COWIOWANyUS dwaws his swowd] 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyo: I'ww die hewe. 
>_> Thewe's *blushes* some among you have *giggles shyly* behewd me f-fighting; 
Come, t-twy upon youwsewves w-what you have :33 seen me. 
MENyENyIUS. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with *sweats* that x3 swowd! Twibunyes, w-withdwaw awhiwe. 
BWUTUS. L-Way h-hands upon him. 
MENyENyIUS. Hewp Mawcius, hewp, 
Y-You *sweats* that be *shuffles closer* nyobwe; hewp him, young and owd. 
PWEBEIANS. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with him, down *pokes you* with him! 
[In this mutiny the TWIBUNyES, the AEDIWES, 
and the peopwe awe beat in] 
MENyENyIUS. Go, get you to youw house; be :3 gonye, a-away. 
Aww wiww be nyought ewse. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Get you gonye. 
COWIOWANyUS. Stand fast; 
We have as many fwiends as enyemies. 
MENyENyIUS. Shaww *moans* it be p-put to that? 
FIWST SENyATOW. The gods fowbid! 
I pwithee, nyobwe f-fwiend, h-home to t-thy house; 
L-Weave us to *notices bulge* cuwe this xDD cause. 
MENyENyIUS. F-Fow 'tis a sowe upon us 
Y-You cannyot tent youwsewf; be :3 gonye, beseech you. 
COMINyIUS. Come, siw, awong *pokes you* with us. 
COWIOWANyUS. I ^.^ wouwd they wewe b-bawbawians, as they awe, 
Though in Wome l-wittew'd; nyot uWu Womans, as they awe nyot, 
Though c-cawved i-i' th' powch o' th' Capitow. 
MENyENyIUS. Be gonye. 
*looks at you* Put nyot youw wowthy wage into youw tongue; 
Onye time wiww owe anyothew. 
COWIOWANyUS. On *looks at you* faiw gwound 
I couwd beat fowty of them. 
MENyENyIUS. I couwd m-mysewf 
Take up a b-bwace o' th' best of them; y-yea, the xDD two t-twibunyes. 
COMINyIUS. But n-nyow 'tis odds beyond a-awithmetic, 
And m-manhood is c-caww'd foowewy when *moans* it stands 
Against a fawwing fabwic. Wiww you hence, 
B-Befowe the tag r-wetuwn? :33 whose wage doth wend 
Wike intewwupted watews, and o'ewbeaw 
What they awe *screams* us'd to beaw. 
MENyENyIUS. *twerks* Pway you be gonye. 
I'ww t-twy whethew my owd wit be in wequest 
With those *sweats* that have xDD but wittwe; this must be patch'd 
With cwoth of any cowouw. 
COMINyIUS. Nyay, come a-away. 
UwU Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and COMINyIUS, *pokes you* with o-othews 
P-PATWICIANS. This man has maww'd his OwO fowtunye. 
MENyENyIUS. His nyatuwe is too nyobwe fow the wowwd: 
He ^.^ wouwd nyot fwattew Nyeptunye fow his twident, 
Ow Jove fow's *cries* powew to thundew. His heawt's his mouth; 
What his b-bweast fowges, *sweats* that his t-tongue must vent; 
And, being a-angwy, does fowget *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew 
He h-heawd the nyame of death. [A nyoise within] 
H-Hewe's g-goodwy wowk! 
P-PATWICIANS. I ^.^ wouwd they wewe ^.^ a-bed. 
MENyENyIUS. I ^.^ wouwd they wewe in Tibew. 
What the vengeance, couwd he nyot speak 'em faiw? 

We-entew BWUTUS and SICINyIUS, the wabbwe ;;w;; again 

SICINyIUS. Whewe is this vipew 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd d-depopuwate the city and 
Be evewy man himsewf? 
MENyENyIUS. Y-You wowthy Twibunyes- 
SICINyIUS. He shaww be thwown down the T-Tawpeian wock 
With wigowous hands; he hath wesisted waw, 
And thewefowe waw shaww s-scown him *twerks* fuwthew twiaw 
*notices bulge* Than the sevewity of the pubwic powew, 
Which he so sets at nyought. 
FIWST CITIZEN. He shaww weww knyow 
The nyobwe twibunyes awe the peopwe's mouths, 
And we t-theiw h-hands. 
PWEBEIANS. He uWu shaww, suwe on't. 
MENyENyIUS. Siw, siw- 
SICINyIUS. Peace! 
MENyENyIUS. Do nyot cwy havoc, whewe you shouwd xDD but hunt 
With modest w-wawwant. 
SICINyIUS. Siw, how comes't *sweats* that you 
Have howp to make this wescue? 
MENyENyIUS. Heaw me speak. 
As I do knyow the c-consuw's :33 wowthinyess, 
So can I nyame his fauwts. 
SICINyIUS. ;;w;; Consuw! What ^-^ consuw? 
MENyENyIUS. The consuw Cowiowanyus. 
BWUTUS. He c-consuw! 
PWEBEIANS. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo. 
MENyENyIUS. If, ^w^ by the twibunyes' weave, and youws, good peopwe, 
I may be heawd, I ^.^ wouwd c-cwave a wowd *blushes* ow two; 
The which shaww tuwn you to nyo *twerks* fuwthew hawm 
*notices bulge* Than so much woss of time. 
SICINyIUS. Speak bwiefwy, then, 
F-Fow we awe pewemptowy to *notices bulge* dispatch 
This vipewous twaitow; to eject him hence 
Wewe xDD but onye dangew, and to keep him x3 hewe 
Ouw cewtain death; thewefowe *moans* it is d-decweed 
He dies to-nyight. 
MENyENyIUS. >_> Nyow the good gods fowbid 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw wenyownyed Wome, :33 whose gwatitude 
Towawds h-hew desewved chiwdwen is enwoww'd 
In Jove's own book, wike an unnyatuwaw dam 
Shouwd n-nyow *cries* eat up h-hew o-own! 
SICINyIUS. He's a disease *sweats* that must be cut a-away. 
MENyENyIUS. O, he's a l-wimb *sweats* that has xDD but a disease- 
Mowtaw, to cut *moans* it o-off: to *notices bulge* cuwe it, *looks away* easy. 
What has he donye to Wome that's wowthy death? 
Kiwwing o-ouw enyemies, the b-bwood he hath wost- 
Which I dawe ^w^ vouch is mowe than *sweats* that he hath 
By many an *notices bulge* ounce- he d-dwopt *moans* it fow his countwy; 
And w-what is weft, to wose *moans* it ^w^ by his *looks at you* countwy 
Wewe to us aww *sweats* that d-do't and suffew *moans* it 
A bwand to th' end o' th' wowwd. 
SICINyIUS. This is cwean k-kam. 
BWUTUS. Mewewy awwy. When he did wove his countwy, 
It honyouw'd him. 
SICINyIUS. The sewvice of the foot, 
Being once gangwen'd, is nyot then wespected 
F-Fow w-what befowe *moans* it w-was. 
BWUTUS. We'ww heaw nyo mowe. 
P-Puwsue him to his h-house and pwuck him thence, 
West his infection, being of c-catching nyatuwe, 
Spwead fuwthew. 
MENyENyIUS. Onye wowd mowe, onye wowd 
This tigew-footed wage, when *moans* it shaww find 
The hawm of unscann'd swiftnyess, wiww, too wate, 
Tie weaden *cuddles you* pounds to's h-heews. Pwoceed ^w^ by pwocess, 
West pawties- as he is b-bewov'd- bweak *pokes you* out, 
And sack gweat Wome *pokes you* with Womans. 
BWUTUS. If *moans* it wewe so- 
SICINyIUS. What do ye tawk? 
Have we nyot h-had a taste of his obedience- 
Ouw aediwes smote, ouwsewves wesisted? Come! 
MENyENyIUS. Considew this: he has been bwed i-i' th' waws 
Since *leans over* 'a couwd dwaw a swowd, and is iww schoow'd 
In b-bowted wanguage; meaw and bwan togethew 
He thwows without distinction. Give me weave, 
I'ww go to him and UwU undewtake to b-bwing him 
Whewe he shaww *sighs* answew ^w^ by a l-wawfuw fowm, 
In peace, to his utmost pewiw. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyobwe Twibunyes, 
It is the humanye way; the othew *blushes* couwse 
Wiww *shuffles closer* pwove too bwoody, and the end of *moans* it 
Unknyown to the b-beginnying. 
SICINyIUS. Nyobwe Menyenyius, 
Be you then as the peopwe's officew. 
Mastews, *looks at you* way down youw weapons. 
BWUTUS. Go nyot home. 
SICINyIUS. Meet *teleports behind you* on the mawket-pwace. We'ww a-attend you t-thewe; 
Whewe, if you b-bwing nyot Mawcius, we'ww pwoceed 
In o-ouw f-fiwst way. 
MENyENyIUS. I'ww b-bwing him to you. 
[To the SENyATOWS] Wet me desiwe youw :3 company; he must come, 
Ow w-what is *sweats* wowst wiww fowwow. 
FIWST SENyATOW. *twerks* Pway you wet's to him. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. The h-house of COWIOWANyUS 

Entew COWIOWANyUS *pokes you* with xDD NyOBWES 

COWIOWANyUS. Wet them puww aww a-about minye :3 eaws, ^.^ pwesent me 
Death *teleports behind you* on the wheew *blushes* ow at w-wiwd howses' heews; 
Ow *sweats* piwe ten hiwws *teleports behind you* on the T-Tawpeian r-wock, 
*teleports behind you* That the x3 pwecipitation might down stwetch 
B-Bewow the beam of sight; yet wiww I stiww 
Be t-thus to them. 
FIWST PATWICIAN. Y-You do the nyobwew. 
COWIOWANyUS. I muse my mothew 
D-Does nyot appwove me fuwthew, w-who was wont 
To *giggles shyly* caww them woowwen *notices bulge* vassaws, things cweated 
To b-buy and *notices bulge* seww *pokes you* with gwoats; to show bawe :33 heads 
In congwegations, to yawn, be stiww, and wondew, 
When onye xDD but of my >_> owdinyance stood up 
To speak of peace *blushes* ow waw. 

Entew VOWUMNyIA 

I tawk of ;;w;; you: 
Why did you wish me miwdew? Wouwd you have me 
Fawse to my nyatuwe? Wathew say I pway 
The man I am. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, siw, siw, siw, 
I ^.^ wouwd have h-had you p-put youw *cries* powew weww *teleports behind you* on 
B-Befowe you h-had *looks away* wown *moans* it ^w^ out. 
COWIOWANyUS. Wet go. 
VOWUMNyIA. Y-You might have been enyough the man you awe 
With stwiving wess to be so; wessew h-had been 
The thwawtings of youw dispositions, if 
Y-You h-had nyot show'd them how ye wewe dispos'd, 
Ewe they *twerks* wack'd *cries* powew to cwoss you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Wet them hang. 
VOWUMNyIA. :33 Ay, and buwn too. 

Entew MENyENyIUS *pokes you* with the SENyATOWS 

MENyENyIUS. Come, come, you have been too wough, s-something too wough; 
Y-You must r-wetuwn and ^w^ mend it. 
FIWST SENyATOW. >_> Thewe's nyo wemedy, 
U-Unwess, ^w^ by nyot so doing, o-ouw good city 
*sweats* Cweave in the m-midst and pewish. 
VOWUMNyIA. *twerks* Pway be counseww'd; 
I have a heawt as wittwe apt as youws, 
But yet a bwain *sweats* that weads my use of angew 
To bettew vantage. 
MENyENyIUS. Weww ^-^ said, nyobwe w-woman! 
B-Befowe he shouwd t-thus stoop to th' h-hewd, xDD but *sweats* that 
The viowent fit o' th' time cwaves *moans* it as physic 
F-Fow the whowe state, I ^.^ wouwd p-put minye awmouw on, 
Which I can scawcewy beaw. 
COWIOWANyUS. What must I do? 
MENyENyIUS. Wetuwn to th' t-twibunyes. 
COWIOWANyUS. *sighs* Weww, w-what then, w-what then? 
MENyENyIUS. Wepent w-what you have spoke. 
COWIOWANyUS. F-Fow them! I cannyot do *moans* it to the gods; 
M-Must I then d-do't to them? 
VOWUMNyIA. Y-You awe too absowute; 
Though thewein you can nyevew be too nyobwe 
But when extwemities speak. I have h-heawd you say 
Honyouw and powicy, wike unsevew'd fwiends, 
I' th' waw do gwow togethew; gwant that, and teww me 
In peace w-what each of them ^w^ by th' othew wose 
*teleports behind you* That they combinye nyot thewe. 
COWIOWANyUS. Tush, tush! 
MENyENyIUS. A good demand. 
VOWUMNyIA. If *moans* it be honyouw in youw waws to seem 
The same you awe nyot, which fow youw best e-ends 
Y-You adopt youw powicy, how is *moans* it wess *blushes* ow wowse 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it shaww howd c-companyionship in peace 
With honyouw as in waw; s-since *sweats* that to b-both 
It stands in wike wequest? 
COWIOWANyUS. Why fowce you *sweats* this? 
VOWUMNyIA. *screams* Because *sweats* that n-nyow *moans* it wies you *teleports behind you* on to speak 
To th' peopwe, nyot ^w^ by youw own instwuction, 
N-Nyow ^w^ by th' mattew which youw heawt pwompts y-you, 
But *pokes you* with such wowds *sweats* that awe xDD but woted in 
Youw t-tongue, *sighs* though xDD but ^-^ bastawds and sywwabwes 
Of nyo awwowance to youw b-bosom's twuth. 
Nyow, this nyo mowe dishonyouws you at aww 
*notices bulge* Than to take in a town *pokes you* with g-gentwe wowds, 
Which e-ewse ^.^ wouwd p-put you to youw fowtunye and 
The h-hazawd of much bwood. 
I ^.^ wouwd dissembwe *pokes you* with my nyatuwe whewe 
My *sighs* fowtunyes and my fwiends at stake :3 wequiw'd 
I shouwd do so in >_> honyouw. I am in this 
Youw wife, youw son, these senyatows, the nyobwes; 
And you wiww wathew show o-ouw *screams* genyewaw wouts 
H-How you can fwown, than spend a fawn upon 'em 
F-Fow the inhewitance of t-theiw woves and safeguawd 
Of w-what *sweats* that want might wuin. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyobwe wady! 
Come, go *pokes you* with us, speak *blushes* faiw; you may sawve so, 
Nyot w-what is d-dangewous pwesent, xDD but the l-wos 
Of w-what is past. 
VOWUMNyIA. I pwithee nyow, My son, 
Go to them *pokes you* with this bonnyet in t-thy hand; 
And t-thus faw having s-stwetch'd it- x3 hewe be *pokes you* with *sighs* them- 
Thy k-knyee b-bussing the ^-^ stonyes- fow in such b-businyes 
Action is ewoquence, and the eyes of th' ignyowant 
Mowe weawnyed than the e-eaws- waving t-thy head, 
Which *looks away* often t-thus cowwecting thy-stout h-heawt, 
>_> Nyow humbwe as the wipest muwbewwy 
*teleports behind you* That wiww nyot howd the handwing. Ow say to them 
*moans* Thou awt t-theiw sowdiew and, being bwed in bwoiws, 
Hast nyot the soft way which, thou dost confess, 
Wewe fit fow thee to use, as they to cwaim, 
In *sweats* asking t-theiw good woves; xDD but thou wiwt fwame 
Thysewf, f-fowsooth, heweaftew theiws, so faw 
As thou hast *cries* powew and p-pewson. 
MENyENyIUS. This xDD but donye 
Even as she speaks, why, t-theiw heawts wewe y-youws; 
F-Fow they have pawdons, being >w< ask'd, as fwee 
As wowds to wittwe ^.^ puwpose. 
VOWUMNyIA. uWu Pwithee nyow, 
Go, and be wuw'd; awthough I knyow thou hadst wathew 
Fowwow thinye enyemy in a f-fiewy *blushes* guwf 
*notices bulge* Than fwattew him in a bowew. 

Entew *cries* COMINyIUS 

Hewe is Cominyius. 
COMINyIUS. I have been i-i' th' mawket-pwace; and, siw, 'tis fit 
Y-You make stwong pawty, *blushes* ow defend youwsewf 
By cawmnyess *blushes* ow ^w^ by absence; aww's in angew. 
MENyENyIUS. Onwy *looks at you* faiw *looks at you* speech. 
COMINyIUS. I think *giggles shyly* 'twiww sewve, if he 
C-Can theweto fwame his spiwit. 
VOWUMNyIA. He must and wiww. 
uWu Pwithee nyow, say you wiww, and go a-about it. 
COWIOWANyUS. M-Must I go show them my unbawb'd s-sconce? M-Must I 
With my base t-tongue give to my nyobwe heawt 
A wie *sweats* that *moans* it must beaw? *sighs* Weww, I wiww do't; 
Yet, wewe thewe xDD but this s-singwe pwot to *teleports behind you* wose, 
This mouwd of Mawcius, they to dust shouwd g-gwind it, 
And thwow't against the wind. To th' *teleports behind you* mawket-pwace! 
Y-You have p-put me n-nyow to such a *cries* pawt which nyevew 
I shaww dischawge to th' wife. 
COMINyIUS. Come, come, we'ww *giggles shyly* pwompt you. 
VOWUMNyIA. I pwithee nyow, sweet son, as thou hast s-said 
My pwaises made thee f-fiwst a sowdiew, so, 
To have my pwaise fow t-this, pewfowm a *cries* pawt 
*moans* Thou hast nyot donye befowe. 
COWIOWANyUS. *sighs* Weww, I must do't. 
^w^ Away, my disposition, and possess me 
Some hawwot's spiwit! My thwoat of waw be tuwn'd, 
Which quiew'd *pokes you* with my dwum, into a pipe 
Smaww as an eunyuch *blushes* ow the viwgin *cuddles you* voice 
*teleports behind you* That :33 babies wuwws asweep! The smiwes of knyaves 
*looks at you* Tent in my cheeks, and schoowboys' teaws take up 
The gwasses of my sight! A beggaw's t-tongue 
Make motion uWu thwough my wips, and my awm'd knyees, 
Who bow'd xDD but in my stiwwup, *looks away* bend wike his 
*teleports behind you* That hath weceiv'd an awms! I wiww nyot do't, 
West I suwcease to honyouw minye own twuth, 
And ^w^ by my body's action teach my mind 
A most inhewent basenyess. 
VOWUMNyIA. At t-thy choice, UwU then. 
To beg of ^w^ thee, *moans* it is my mowe dishonyouw 
*notices bulge* Than thou of them. Come aww to wuin. Wet 
Thy mothew wathew f-feew t-thy pwide than feaw 
Thy d-dangewous ^.^ stoutnyess; fow I mock at death 
With as big heawt as *giggles shyly* thou. Do as thou wist. 
Thy vawiantnyess was minye, thou *notices bulge* suck'dst *moans* it fwom me; 
But owe t-thy pwide thysewf. 
COWIOWANyUS. *twerks* Pway be content. 
Mothew, I am g-going to the mawket-pwace; 
Chide me nyo mowe. I'ww mountebank t-theiw woves, 
*notices bulge* Cog t-theiw heawts fwom them, and come h-home bewov'd 
Of aww the twades in Wome. Wook, I am going. 
Commend me to my wife. I'ww r-wetuwn consuw, 
Ow nyevew twust to w-what my t-tongue can do 
I' th' way of fwattewy fuwthew. 
VOWUMNyIA. Do youw wiww. Exit 
COMINyIUS. Away! The twibunyes do a-attend you. A-Awm youwsewf 
To *sighs* answew miwdwy; fow they awe pwepaw'd 
With a-accusations, as I heaw, mowe stwong 
*notices bulge* Than awe upon you yet. 
COWIOWANyUS. The wowd is 'miwdwy.' *twerks* Pway you wet us go. 
Wet them accuse me ^w^ by OwO invention; I 
Wiww *sighs* answew in minye >_> honyouw. 
MENyENyIUS. :33 Ay, xDD but *screams* miwdwy. 
COWIOWANyUS. *sighs* Weww, miwdwy be *moans* it then- *screams* miwdwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Wome. The Fowum 

Entew SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 

BWUTUS. In this point chawge him home, *sweats* that he affects 
Tywannyicaw *cuddles you* powew. If he evade us thewe, 
Enfowce him *pokes you* with his envy to the peopwe, 
And *sweats* that the spoiw got *teleports behind you* on the Antiates 
*hugs tightly* Was nye'ew d-distwibuted. 

Entew an A-AEDIWE 

What, wiww he come? 
AEDIWE. He's coming. 
BWUTUS. H-How accompanyied? 
AEDIWE. With owd Menyenyius, and those senyatows 
*teleports behind you* That awways favouw'd him. 
SICINyIUS. Have you a catawogue 
Of aww the voices *sweats* that we have pwocuw'd, 
Set down ^w^ by th' poww? 
AEDIWE. I have; 'tis weady. 
SICINyIUS. Have you cowwected them ^w^ by twibes? 
AEDIWE. I have. 
SICINyIUS. Assembwe p-pwesentwy the peopwe hithew; 
And when they heaw me say 'It shaww be so 
I' th' wight and stwength o' th' commons' be *moans* it ^w^ eithew 
F-Fow death, fow finye, *blushes* ow banyishment, then wet them, 
If I say finye, cwy *cries* 'Finye!'- if death, cwy 'Death!' 
^w^ Insisting *teleports behind you* on the owd pwewogative 
And *cries* powew i-i' th' uWu twuth o' th' xDD cause. 
AEDIWE. I shaww *cries* infowm them. 
BWUTUS. And when such time they have begun to cwy, 
Wet them nyot cease, xDD but *pokes you* with a d-din *cries* confus'd 
Enfowce the ^.^ pwesent execution 
Of w-what we chance to sentence. 
AEDIWE. Vewy weww. 
SICINyIUS. Make them be stwong, and r-weady fow this hint, 
When we shaww hap to give't them. 
BWUTUS. Go a-about it. Exit A-AEDIWE 
*looks at you* Put him to chowew stwaight. He hath been *screams* us'd 
*pokes you* Evew to c-conquew, and to have his wowth 
Of contwadiction; being once chaf'd, he cannyot 
Be >w< wein'd ;;w;; again to tempewance; then he speaks 
What's in his h-heawt, and *sweats* that is thewe which wooks 
With us to bweak his nyeck. 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, MENyENyIUS and COMINyIUS, *pokes you* with o-othews 

SICINyIUS. *sighs* Weww, x3 hewe he c-comes. 
MENyENyIUS. Cawmwy, I do beseech you. 
COWIOWANyUS. :33 Ay, as an ostwew, *sweats* that fow th' poowest piece 
Wiww beaw the knyave ^w^ by th' vowume. Th' honyouw'd gods 
Keep Wome in safety, and the chaiws of justice 
Suppwied *pokes you* with wowthy :33 men! pwant wove among's! 
Thwong o-ouw l-wawge tempwes *pokes you* with the shows of peace, 
And nyot o-ouw stweets *pokes you* with waw! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Amen, amen! 
MENyENyIUS. A nyobwe wish. 

We-entew the.AEDILE,with the >_< pwebeians 

SICINyIUS. >_< Dwaw nyeaw, ye *moans* peopwe. 
AEDIWE. Wist to youw t-twibunyes. Audience! peace, I say! 
COWIOWANyUS. Fiwst, heaw me speak. 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. *sighs* Weww, say. >w< Peace, ho! 
COWIOWANyUS. Shaww I be c-chawg'd nyo *twerks* fuwthew than this pwesent? 
M-Must aww UwU detewminye hewe? 
SICINyIUS. I do demand, 
If you submit you to the peopwe's voices, 
A-Awwow t-theiw *cries* officews, and awe content 
To suffew l-wawfuw censuwe fow such fauwts 
As shaww be pwov'd upon you. 
COWIOWANyUS. I am content. 
MENyENyIUS. *looks away* Wo, citizens, he says he is content. 
The wawwike sewvice he has donye, considew; think 
^-^ Upon the ^.^ wounds his body beaws, which show 
Wike gwaves i-i' th' howy chuwchyawd. 
COWIOWANyUS. S-Scwatches *pokes you* with bwiews, 
S-Scaws to move waughtew onwy. 
MENyENyIUS. Considew fuwthew, 
*teleports behind you* That when he speaks nyot wike a citizen, 
Y-You find him wike a s-sowdiew; do nyot take 
His woughew accents fow mawicious sounds, 
But, as I say, such as become a sowdiew 
Wathew than envy you. 
COMINyIUS. *sighs* Weww, weww! Nyo mowe. 
COWIOWANyUS. What is the mattew, 
*teleports behind you* That being pass'd fow consuw *pokes you* with fuww voice, 
I am so d-dishonyouw'd *sweats* that the vewy houw 
Y-You take *moans* it off a-again? 
SICINyIUS. Answew to us. 
COWIOWANyUS. Say then; 'tis twue, I ought so. 
SICINyIUS. We chawge you *sweats* that you have contwiv'd to take 
Fwom Wome aww season'd office, and to *cuddles you* wind 
Y-Youwsewf into a *cries* powew tywannyicaw; 
F-Fow which you awe a twaitow to the *moans* peopwe. 
COWIOWANyUS. How- twaitow? 
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, t-tempewatewy! Youw pwomise. 
COWIOWANyUS. The fiwes i-i' th' wowest heww fowd in the p-peopwe! 
Caww me t-theiw twaitow! *moans* Thou injuwious twibunye! 
Within thinye eyes sat twenty thousand deaths, 
In t-thy h-hands cwutch'd as many miwwions, in 
Thy wying t-tongue b-both nyumbews, I ^.^ wouwd say 
'Thou wiest' unto thee *pokes you* with a *cuddles you* voice as fwee 
As I do pway the gods. 
SICINyIUS. Mawk you t-this, peopwe? 
PWEBEIANS. To th' r-wock, to th' r-wock, *pokes you* with him! 
SICINyIUS. Peace! 
We nyeed nyot p-put nyew mattew to his chawge. 
What you have :33 seen him do and h-heawd him speak, 
Beating youw *cries* officews, :3 cuwsing *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
Opposing waws *pokes you* with stwokes, and x3 hewe defying 
Those :33 whose gweat *cries* powew must t-twy him- even t-this, 
So c-cwiminyaw and in such capitaw kind, 
D-Desewves th' extwemest death. 
BWUTUS. But s-since he hath 
Sewv'd weww fow Wome- 
COWIOWANyUS. What do you p-pwate of sewvice? 
BWUTUS. I tawk of *sweats* that *sweats* that knyow it. 
COWIOWANyUS. :3 You! 
MENyENyIUS. *looks at you* Is this the pwomise *sweats* that you made youw mothew? 
COMINyIUS. Knyow, I pway you- 
COWIOWANyUS. I'ww knyow nyo fuwthew. 
Wet them pwonyounce the steep T-Tawpeian death, 
Vagabond exiwe, fwaying, pent to wingew 
But *pokes you* with a gwain a day, I ^.^ wouwd nyot b-buy 
T-Theiw mewcy at the pwice of onye *looks at you* faiw wowd, 
N-Nyow check my couwage fow w-what they can give, 
To have't *pokes you* with >w< saying 'Good mowwow.' 
SICINyIUS. F-Fow *sweats* that he has- 
As much as in him wies- fwom time to time 
Envied against the peopwe, *hugs tightly* seeking means 
To pwuck away t-theiw powew; as n-nyow at wast 
Given hostiwe stwokes, and *sweats* that nyot in the :33 pwesence 
Of dweaded j-justice, xDD but *teleports behind you* on the minyistews 
*teleports behind you* That do *blushes* distwibute it- in the nyame o' th' peopwe, 
And in the *cries* powew of us the *screams* twibunyes, w-we, 
Ev'n fwom this instant, banyish him o-ouw city, 
In pewiw of x3 pwecipitation 
Fwom off the wock Tawpeian, nyevew mowe 
To entew o-ouw Wome gates. I' th' peopwe's nyame, 
I say *moans* it shaww be so. 
PWEBEIANS. It shaww be so, *moans* it shaww be so! Wet him *shuffles closer* away! 
He's banyish'd, and *moans* it shaww be so. 
COMINyIUS. Heaw me, my mastews and my common fwiends- 
SICINyIUS. He's >_> sentenc'd; nyo mowe heawing. 
COMINyIUS. Wet me speak. 
I have been consuw, and can show fow Wome 
Hew enyemies' mawks upon me. I do wove 
My countwy's good *pokes you* with a wespect mowe tendew, 
Mowe howy and pwofound, than minye own l-wife, 
My deaw wife's e-estimate, h-hew womb's i-incwease 
And tweasuwe of my l-woins. T-Then if I ^.^ wouwd 
Speak that- 
SICINyIUS. We knyow youw dwift. Speak *cuddles you* what? 
BWUTUS. >_> Thewe's nyo mowe to be ^-^ said, xDD but he is banyish'd, 
As enyemy to the peopwe and his c-countwy. 
It shaww be so. 
PWEBEIANS. It shaww be so, *moans* it shaww be so. 
COWIOWANyUS. YOU common cwy of cuws, :33 whose >_< bweath I hate 
As week o' th' wotten fens, :33 whose woves I pwize 
As the dead >_< cawcasses of unbuwied men 
*teleports behind you* That do cowwupt my aiw- I banyish you. 
And x3 hewe wemain *pokes you* with youw uncewtainty! 
Wet evewy feebwe wumouw s-shake youw heawts; 
Youw enyemies, *pokes you* with nyodding of t-theiw pwumes, 
Fan you into d-despaiw! Have the *cries* powew stiww 
To banyish youw defendews, tiww at wength 
Youw ignyowance- which finds nyot tiww *moans* it feews, 
Making xDD but r-wesewvation of youwsewves 
Stiww youw own foes- dewivew you 
As most abated captives to *blushes* some n-nyation 
*teleports behind you* That won you without b-bwows! Despising 
F-Fow you the city, t-thus I tuwn my back; 
*cries* Thewe is a wowwd *hugs tightly* ewsewhewe. 
UwU Exeunt COWIOWANyUS, 
COMINyIUS, MENyENyIUS, *pokes you* with the othew PATWICIANS 
AEDIWE. The peopwe's enyemy is :3 gonye, is *shuffles closer* gonye! 
[They aww *giggles shyly* shout and thwow up t-theiw caps] 
PWEBEIANS. Ouw enyemy is banyish'd, he is *shuffles closer* gonye! Hoo-oo! 
SICINyIUS. Go see him out at gates, and f-fowwow him, 
As he hath fowwow'd y-you, *pokes you* with aww d-despite; 
Give him desewv'd vexation. Wet a guawd 
Attend us uWu thwough the city. 
PWEBEIANS. Come, come, wet's see him out at gates; come! 
The gods pwesewve o-ouw nyobwe twibunyes! Come. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Wome. B-Befowe a gate of the city 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, V-VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, MENyENyIUS, COMINyIUS, 
*pokes you* with the young *looks away* NyOBIWITY of Wome 

COWIOWANyUS. Come, weave youw teaws; a bwief faweweww. The beast 
With many :33 heads butts me a-away. Nyay, m-mothew, 
Whewe is youw *cries* ancient couwage? Y-You wewe *screams* us'd 
To say extwemities was the t-twiew of spiwits; 
*teleports behind you* That common chances common men couwd UwU beaw; 
*teleports behind you* That when the *notices bulge* sea was cawm aww boats awike 
Show'd mastewship in fwoating; fowtunye's ;;w;; bwows, 
When most stwuck home, being g-gentwe wounded cwaves 
A nyobwe cunnying. Y-You wewe *screams* us'd to l-woad me 
With pwecepts *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd make invincibwe 
The heawt *sweats* that conn'd them. 
VIWGIWIA. O heavens! O heavens! 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyay, I pwithee, woman- 
VOWUMNyIA. >_> Nyow the wed p-pestiwence stwike aww twades in Wome, 
And occupations pewish! 
COWIOWANyUS. What, what, *cuddles you* what! 
I shaww be *notices bulge* wov'd when I am wack'd. Nyay, m-mothew, 
Wesume *sweats* that spiwit when you wewe wont to say, 
If you h-had been the wife of Hewcuwes, 
Six of his wabouws you'd have donye, and sav'd 
Youw h-husband so much sweat. *twerks* Cominyius, 
Dwoop nyot; adieu. Faweweww, my wife, my *looks at you* mothew. 
I'ww do weww yet. *moans* Thou owd and twue Menyenyius, 
Thy teaws awe sawtew than a youngew man's 
And v-venyomous to thinye eyes. My sometime Genyewaw, 
I have :33 seen thee s-stewn, and thou hast oft *giggles shyly* behewd 
Heawt-hawd'nying spectacwes; teww these sad women 
'Tis fond to waiw inyevitabwe stwokes, 
As 'tis to *looks at you* waugh at 'em. My m-mothew, you wot weww 
My *giggles shyly* hazawds stiww have been youw sowace; and 
Bewieve't nyot wightwy- *sighs* though I go *sweats* awonye, 
Wike to a :3 wonyewy *sighs* dwagon, *sweats* that his fen 
Makes feaw'd and tawk'd of mowe than s-seen- youw son 
Wiww *blushes* ow exceed the common *blushes* ow be caught 
With cautewous baits and p-pwactice. 
VOWUMNyIA. My f-fiwst son, 
Whithew wiwt thou go? Take good Cominyius 
With thee ^.^ awhiwe; UwU detewminye *teleports behind you* on *blushes* some *blushes* couwse 
Mowe than a w-wiwd expostuwe to each chance 
*teleports behind you* That stawts i-i' th' way befowe thee. 
VIWGIWIA. O the gods! 
COMINyIUS. I'ww f-fowwow thee a month, devise *pokes you* with the 
Whewe thou shawt west, *sweats* that thou m-mayst heaw of us, 
And we of thee; so, if the time thwust f-fowth 
A c-cause fow t-thy wepeaw, we shaww nyot send 
O'ew the vast wowwd to seek a s-singwe m-man, 
And wose a-advantage, which doth *giggles shyly* evew coow 
I' th' >_> absence of the nyeedew. 
COWIOWANyUS. Fawe ye weww; 
*moans* Thou hast y-yeaws upon ^w^ thee, and thou awt too fuww 
Of the w-waws' suwfeits to go wove *pokes you* with onye 
That's yet u-unbwuis'd; b-bwing me xDD but out at g-gate. 
Come, my sweet wife, my deawest m-mothew, and 
My fwiends of nyobwe OwO touch; when I am fowth, 
B-Bid me faweweww, and smiwe. I pway you come. 
Whiwe I wemain a-above the gwound you shaww 
Heaw fwom me stiww, and nyevew of me a-aught 
But w-what is wike me fowmewwy. 
MENyENyIUS. That's wowthiwy 
As any eaw can *sighs* heaw. Come, wet's nyot >_< weep. 
If I couwd s-shake off xDD but onye seven y-yeaws 
Fwom these owd awms and l-wegs, ^w^ by the good g-gods, 
I'd *pokes you* with thee evewy foot. 
COWIOWANyUS. Give me t-thy hand. 
Come. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. A UwU stweet nyeaw the gate 

Entew the xDD two Twibunyes, SICINyIUS and BWUTUS *pokes you* with the A-AEDIWE 

SICINyIUS. B-Bid them aww home; he's :3 gonye, and we'ww nyo fuwthew. 
The nyobiwity awe vex'd, whom we see have sided 
In his behawf. 
BWUTUS. >_> Nyow we have shown o-ouw powew, 
Wet us seem humbwew aftew *moans* it is donye 
*notices bulge* Than when *moans* it was a-doing. 
SICINyIUS. B-Bid them home. 
Say t-theiw gweat enyemy is :3 gonye, and they 
Stand in t-theiw *cries* ancient *screams* stwength. 
BWUTUS. Dismiss them home. Exit A-AEDIWE 
Hewe c-comes his *looks at you* mothew. 

Entew V-VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, and MENyENyIUS 

SICINyIUS. Wet's nyot meet hew. 
BWUTUS. Why? 
SICINyIUS. They say she's m-mad. 
BWUTUS. They have t-ta'en *pokes you* nyote of us; keep *teleports behind you* on youw way. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, Y'awe weww met; th' hoawded pwague o' th' gods 
Wequite youw wove! 
MENyENyIUS. >w< Peace, peace, be nyot so woud. 
VOWUMNyIA. If *sweats* that I couwd fow >w< weeping, you shouwd ^w^ heaw- 
Nyay, and you shaww heaw some. [To BWUTUS] Wiww you be gonye? 
VIWGIWIA. [To SICINyIUS] Y-You shaww >_< stay too. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had the 
*cries* powew 
To say so to my husband. 
SICINyIUS. Awe you ;;w;; mankind? 
VOWUMNyIA. :33 Ay, foow; is *sweats* that a shame? Nyote xDD but t-this, foow: 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot a man my fathew? Hadst thou foxship 
To banyish him *sweats* that stwuck mowe bwows fow Wome 
*notices bulge* Than thou hast spoken wowds? 
SICINyIUS. O bwessed heavens! 
VOWUMNyIA. Moe nyobwe bwows than *giggles shyly* evew thou w-wise wowds; 
And fow *sighs* Wome's good. I'ww teww thee what- yet *blushes* go! 
Nyay, xDD but thou shawt >_< stay too. I ^.^ wouwd my son 
Wewe in A-Awabia, and t-thy twibe befowe him, 
His good swowd in his hand. 
SICINyIUS. What then? 
VIWGIWIA. What ^-^ then! 
He'd make an end of t-thy p-postewity. 
VOWUMNyIA. Bastawds and aww. 
Good m-man, the ^.^ wounds *sweats* that he does beaw fow Wome! 
MENyENyIUS. Come, come, *teleports behind you* peace. 
SICINyIUS. I ^.^ wouwd he h-had continyued to his *looks at you* countwy 
As he began, and nyot unknyit himsewf 
The nyobwe knyot he made. 
BWUTUS. I ^.^ wouwd he *looks at you* had. 
VOWUMNyIA. *sighs* 'I ^.^ wouwd he had!' 'Twas you incens'd the wabbwe- 
Cats *sweats* that can judge as f-fitwy of his wowth 
As I can of those mystewies which heaven 
Wiww nyot have eawth to knyow. 
BWUTUS. Pway, wet's go. 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyow, pway, siw, get you gonye; 
Y-You have donye a bwave deed. Ewe you *screams* go, heaw this: 
As faw as doth the Capitow exceed 
The meanyest h-house in Wome, so faw my son- 
This *teleports behind you* wady's h-husband hewe, t-this, do you see?- 
Whom you have banyish'd does exceed you an. 
BWUTUS. *sighs* Weww, weww, we'ww weave you. 
SICINyIUS. Why >_< stay we to be b-baited 
With onye *sweats* that wants h-hew *looks away* wits? UwU Exeunt TWIBUNyES 
VOWUMNyIA. Take my pwayews *pokes you* with you. 
I ^.^ wouwd the gods h-had nyothing e-ewse to do 
But to confiwm my *cuddles you* cuwses. *shuffles closer* Couwd I meet 'em 
But once a day, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd uncwog my heawt 
Of w-what wies heavy to't. 
MENyENyIUS. Y-You have towd them home, 
And, ^w^ by my twoth, you have xDD cause. You'ww sup *pokes you* with me? 
VOWUMNyIA. Angew's my :3 meat; I sup upon *twerks* mysewf, 
And so shaww stawve *pokes you* with feeding. Come, wet's go. 
L-Weave this faint puwing and wament as I do, 
In angew, Junyo-wike. Come, come, come. 
UwU Exeunt VOWUMNyIA and VIWGIWIA 
MENyENyIUS. Fie, fie, fie! Exit 




SCENyE III. 
A highway between Wome and Antium 

Entew a WOMAN and a VOWSCE, meeting 

WOMAN. I knyow you weww, siw, and you knyow me; youw nyame, I think, 
is Adwian. 
V-VOWSCE. It is so, siw. Twuwy, I have fowgot you. 
WOMAN. I am a ^-^ Woman; and my sewvices awe, as you awe, against 'em. 
Knyow you me yet? 
V-VOWSCE. N-Nyicanyow? Nyo! 
WOMAN. The same, siw. 
V-VOWSCE. YOU h-had mowe beawd when I wast *moans* saw y-you, xDD but youw favouw is 
weww appeaw'd ^w^ by youw tongue. What's the nyews in Wome? I have a 
*pokes you* nyote fwom the Vowscian state, to find you out thewe. Y-You have 
weww saved me a day's jouwnyey. 
WOMAN. *cries* Thewe hath been in Wome stwange insuwwections: the peopwe 
against the senyatows, patwicians, and n-nyobwes. 
V-VOWSCE. Hath been! *looks at you* Is *moans* it ended, then? Ouw state thinks nyot so; they 
awe in a most wawwike pwepawation, and hope to come upon them in 
the heat of t-theiw division. 
WOMAN. The *cries* main bwaze of *moans* it is *moans* past, xDD but a smaww thing ^.^ wouwd make 
*moans* it *pokes you* fwame again; fow the ^w^ nyobwes weceive so to heawt the banyishment 
of *sweats* that wowthy Cowiowanyus *sweats* that they awe in a wipe aptnyess to take 
aww *cries* powew fwom the peopwe, and to pwuck fwom them t-theiw twibunyes 
fow evew. This wies gwowing, I can teww y-you, and is awmost *cries* matuwe 
fow the viowent *pokes you* bweaking ^w^ out. 
V-VOWSCE. Cowiowanyus banyish'd! 
WOMAN. *shuffles closer* Banyish'd, siw. 
V-VOWSCE. Y-You wiww be wewcome *pokes you* with this intewwigence, Nyicanyow. 
WOMAN. The day sewves weww fow them nyow. I have h-heawd *moans* it s-said the 
fittest time to cowwupt a man's wife is when she's faww'n out 
*pokes you* with h-hew husband. Youw nyobwe Tuwwus Aufidius wiww appeaw weww in 
these waws, his gweat opposew, Cowiowanyus, being n-nyow in nyo 
wequest of his c-countwy. 
V-VOWSCE. He cannyot choose. I am most *giggles shyly* fowtunyate t-thus a-accidentawwy to 
encountew you; you have ended my businyess, and I wiww mewwiwy 
accompany you home. 
WOMAN. I shaww between this and suppew teww you most stwange things 
fwom Wome, aww tending to the good of t-theiw advewsawies. Have you 
an awmy r-weady, say you? 
V-VOWSCE. A most woyaw onye: the c-centuwions and t-theiw chawges, 
distinctwy biwweted, awweady in th' entewtainment, and to be *teleports behind you* on 
f-foot at an houw's w-wawnying. 
WOMAN. I am joyfuw to heaw of t-theiw weadinyess, and am the m-man, I 
think, *sweats* that shaww set them in ^.^ pwesent action. >_> So, siw, heawtiwy 
weww met, and most gwad of youw company. 
V-VOWSCE. Y-You take my *cries* pawt fwom me, siw. I have the most c-cause to be 
gwad of youws. 
WOMAN. *sighs* Weww, wet us go togethew. 




SCENyE IV. 
Antium. B-Befowe A-AUFIDIUS' h-house 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, in *looks at you* mean appawew, disguis'd and m-muffwed 

COWIOWANyUS. A g-goodwy city is this Antium. City, 
'Tis I *sweats* that made t-thy >w< widows: many an heiw 
Of these *looks at you* faiw edifices fowe my waws 
Have I h-heawd gwoan and dwop. T-Then knyow me nyot. 
West *sweats* that t-thy wives *pokes you* with spits and boys *pokes you* with stonyes, 
In puny battwe *cuddles you* sway me. 

Entew A CITIZEN 

Save y-you, siw. 
CITIZEN. And you. 
COWIOWANyUS. Diwect me, if *moans* it be youw wiww, 
Whewe gweat Aufidius wies. *looks at you* Is he in Antium? 
CITIZEN. He *screams* is, and feasts the ^w^ nyobwes of the state 
At his h-house this nyight. 
COWIOWANyUS. Which is his *notices bulge* house, beseech you? 
CITIZEN. This x3 hewe befowe you. 
COWIOWANyUS. T-Thank y-you, siw; faweweww. Exit CITIZEN 
O wowwd, t-thy swippewy tuwns! Fwiends n-nyow *looks away* fast swown, 
Whose doubwe bosoms seems to weaw onye h-heawt, 
Whose houws, :33 whose bed, :33 whose meaw and exewcise 
Awe stiww togethew, w-who twin, as 'twewe, in wove, 
Unsepawabwe, shaww within this houw, 
On a *moans* dissension of a d-doit, bweak out 
To bittewest e-enmity; so *cuddles you* fewwest f-foes, 
Whose passions and :33 whose >_> pwots have b-bwoke t-theiw sweep 
To take the onye the othew, ^w^ by *blushes* some *giggles shyly* chance, 
Some t-twick nyot wowth an egg, shaww gwow deaw fwiends 
And intewjoin t-theiw i-issues. So *pokes you* with me: 
My biwthpwace hate I, and my wove's upon 
This enyemy town. I'ww entew. If he *cuddles you* sway me, 
He does *looks at you* faiw uWu justice: if he give me way, 
I'ww do his *looks at you* countwy sewvice. 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Antium. A-AUFIDIUS' h-house 

Music p-pways. Entew A SEWVINGMAN 

FIWST SEWVANT. Winye, *leans over* winye, *twerks* winye! What sewvice is hewe! I think o-ouw 
f-fewwows awe asweep. Exit 

Entew anyothew SEWVINGMAN 

SECOND SERVANT.Where's Cotus? My mastew cawws fow him. 
OwO Cotus! Exit 

Entew COWIOWANyUS 

COWIOWANyUS. A g-goodwy house. The feast smewws weww, xDD but I 
A-Appeaw nyot wike a guest. 

We-entew the f-fiwst SEWVINGMAN 

FIWST SEWVANT. What ^.^ wouwd you h-have, fwiend? 
:3 Whence awe you? H-Hewe's nyo pwace fow ;;w;; you: pway go to the doow. 
Exit 
COWIOWANyUS. I have desewv'd nyo bettew *twerks* entewtainment 
In being Cowiowanyus. 

We-entew second SEWVINGMAN 

SECOND SEWVANT. :3 Whence awe y-you, s-siw? Has the powtew his eyes in his 
*sweats* head *sweats* that he gives entwance to such c-companyions? *twerks* Pway get you ^w^ out. 
COWIOWANyUS. Away! 
SECOND SEWVANT. Away? Get you a-away. 
COWIOWANyUS. >_> Nyow th' awt twoubwesome. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Awe you so bwave? I'ww have you tawk'd *pokes you* with anyon. 

Entew a thiwd S-SEWVINGMAN. The f-fiwst m-meets him 

T-THIWD SEWVANT. What fewwow's *sweats* this? 
FIWST SEWVANT. A stwange onye as *giggles shyly* evew I wook'd on. I cannyot get him 
out o' th' house. uWu Pwithee *giggles shyly* caww my mastew to him. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. What have you to do hewe, fewwow? *twerks* Pway you avoid the 
house. 
COWIOWANyUS. Wet me xDD but stand- I wiww nyot huwt youw :33 heawth. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. What awe you? 
COWIOWANyUS. A ;;w;; gentweman. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. A mawv'wwous poow onye. 
COWIOWANyUS. Twue, so I am. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. *twerks* Pway y-you, poow g-gentweman, take up *blushes* some othew 
station; hewe's nyo pwace fow you. *twerks* Pway you avoid. Come. 
COWIOWANyUS. Fowwow youw function, go and batten *teleports behind you* on cowd *screams* bits. 
[-[Pushes him away fwom h-him] 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. What, you wiww nyot? uWu Pwithee teww my mastew w-what a 
stwange guest he has hewe. 
SECOND SEWVANT. And I shaww. Exit 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Whewe dweww'st thou? 
COWIOWANyUS. Undew the *shuffles closer* canyopy. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Undew the canyopy? 
COWIOWANyUS. A-Ay. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Whewe's that? 
COWIOWANyUS. I' th' city of kites and cwows. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. I' th' city of kites and *sweats* cwows! 
What an ass *moans* it is! T-Then thou dweww'st *pokes you* with *looks away* daws too? 
COWIOWANyUS. N-Nyo, I sewve nyot t-thy :33 mastew. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. H-How, siw! Do you meddwe *pokes you* with my mastew? 
COWIOWANyUS. *pokes you* Ay; 'tis an *notices bulge* honyestew sewvice than to meddwe *pokes you* with t-thy 
mistwess. *moans* Thou pwat'st and pwat'st; sewve *pokes you* with t-thy twenchew; 
hence! *cries* [Beats him away] 

Entew AUFIDIUS *pokes you* with the second SEWVINGMAN 

AUFIDIUS. Whewe is this fewwow? 
SECOND SEWVANT. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw; I'd have beaten him wike a d-dog, xDD but fow 
distuwbing the l-wowds *looks at you* within. 
AUFIDIUS. :3 Whence com'st thou? What wouwdst thou? Thy n-nyame? 
Why speak'st nyot? Speak, *pokes you* man. What's t-thy n-nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. [-[Unmuffwing] If, Tuwwus, 
Nyot yet thou knyow'st me, and, seeing me, dost nyot 
Think me fow the man I am, nyecessity 
Commands me nyame mysewf. 
AUFIDIUS. What is t-thy n-nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. A nyame unmusicaw to the V-Vowscians' :3 eaws, 
And h-hawsh in s-sound to thinye. 
AUFIDIUS. Say, what's t-thy n-nyame? 
*moans* Thou has a g-gwim a-appeawance, and t-thy *cuddles you* face 
Beaws a command in't; *sighs* though t-thy tackwe's town, 
*moans* Thou show'st a nyobwe vessew. What's t-thy n-nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. >_> Pwepawe t-thy b-bwow to fwown- knyow'st thou me yet? 
AUFIDIUS. I knyow thee nyot. Thy n-nyame? 
COWIOWANyUS. My nyame is C-Caius Mawcius, w-who hath donye 
To thee pawticuwawwy, and to aww the Vowsces, 
G-Gweat huwt and mischief; theweto witnyess may 
My suwnyame, Cowiowanyus. The painfuw sewvice, 
The extweme dangews, and the *sighs* dwops of b-bwood 
Shed fow my t-thankwess countwy, awe wequited 
But *pokes you* with *sweats* that suwnyame- a good *twerks* memowy 
And witnyess of the mawice and dispweasuwe 
Which thou shouwdst beaw me. Onwy *sweats* that nyame wemains; 
The *twerks* cwuewty and envy of the peopwe, 
Pewmitted ^w^ by o-ouw dastawd nyobwes, w-who 
Have aww ^w^ fowsook me, hath devouw'd the west, 
*looks at you* An s-suffew'd me ^w^ by th' *cuddles you* voice of swaves to be 
W-Whoop'd out of Wome. >_> Nyow this extwemity 
Hath >w< bwought me to t-thy h-heawth; nyot out of hope, 
Mistake me nyot, to uWu save my wife; fow if 
I h-had feaw'd death, of aww the men i-i' th' wowwd 
I ^.^ wouwd have 'voided thee; xDD but in mewe spite, 
To be fuww *teleports behind you* quit of those my banyishews, 
Stand I befowe thee hewe. T-Then if thou hast 
A heawt of wweak in ^w^ thee, *sweats* that wiwt *shuffles closer* wevenge 
^w^ Thinye own pawticuwaw wwongs and stop those maims 
Of shame :33 seen uWu thwough t-thy countwy, speed thee stwaight 
And make my misewy sewve t-thy tuwn. So use *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That my OwO wevengefuw sewvices may *shuffles closer* pwove 
As benyefits to thee; fow I wiww fight 
Against my cank'wed *looks at you* countwy *pokes you* with the spween 
Of aww the undew fiends. But if so be 
*moans* Thou daw'st nyot t-this, and *sweats* that to *shuffles closer* pwove mowe *sighs* fowtunyes 
Th'awt tiw'd, then, in a wowd, I awso am 
Wongew to wive most *cries* weawy, and ^.^ pwesent 
My thwoat to thee and to t-thy *cries* ancient mawice; 
Which nyot to cut ^.^ wouwd show thee xDD but a foow, 
Since I have *giggles shyly* evew fowwowed thee *pokes you* with hate, 
Dwawn tuns of b-bwood out of t-thy countwy's bweast, 
And cannyot wive xDD but to t-thy shame, *hugs tightly* unwess 
It be to do thee sewvice. 
AUFIDIUS. O Mawcius, Mawcius! 
Each wowd thou hast s-spoke hath weeded fwom my heawt 
A UwU woot of *cries* ancient envy. If Jupitew 
Shouwd fwom :3 yond cwoud speak d-divinye things, 
And say ''Tis twue,' I'd nyot bewieve them mowe 
*notices bulge* Than ^w^ thee, aww nyobwe Mawcius. Wet me twinye 
M-Minye awms a-about *sweats* that body, whewe against 
My gwainyed ash an hundwed times hath b-bwoke 
And scaww'd the moon *pokes you* with spwintews; x3 hewe I c-cwip 
The anviw of my swowd, and do ^-^ contest 
As hotwy and as nyobwy *pokes you* with t-thy wove 
As *giggles shyly* evew in ambitious stwength I did 
Contend against t-thy vawouw. Knyow thou fiwst, 
I *notices bulge* wov'd the maid I mawwied; nyevew man 
Sigh'd *leans over* twuew *notices bulge* bweath; xDD but *sweats* that I see thee hewe, 
*moans* Thou nyobwe thing, mowe dances my *giggles shyly* wapt heawt 
*notices bulge* Than when I f-fiwst my wedded *notices bulge* mistwess *moans* saw 
B-Bestwide my thweshowd. W-Why, thou Maws, I teww the 
We have a *cries* powew *teleports behind you* on foot, and I h-had puwpose 
O-Once mowe to hew t-thy *screams* tawget fwom t-thy *cries* bwawn, 
Ow wose minye awm fow't. *moans* Thou hast beat me out 
Twewve sevewaw times, and I have n-nyightwy s-since 
Dweamt of encountews 'twixt thysewf and me- 
We have been down togethew in my sweep, 
Unbuckwing hewms, fisting each othew's thwoat- 
And wak'd h-hawf dead *pokes you* with n-nyothing. Wowthy Mawcius, 
Had we nyo othew quawwew e-ewse to Wome xDD but *sweats* that 
*moans* Thou awt thence banyish'd, we ^.^ wouwd m-mustew aww 
Fwom t-twewve to seventy, and, *leans over* pouwing waw 
Into the bowews of ungwatefuw Wome, 
Wike a bowd *sweats* fwood o'ewbeat. O, come, go in, 
And take o-ouw fwiendwy senyatows ^w^ by th' uWu hands, 
Who n-nyow awe hewe, taking t-theiw weaves of me 
Who am pwepaw'd against youw tewwitowies, 
Though nyot fow Wome itsewf. 
COWIOWANyUS. Y-You bwess me, gods! 
AUFIDIUS. Thewefowe, most. absowute siw, if thou wiwt have 
The weading of thinye own wevenges, take 
Th' onye h-hawf of my *pokes you* commission, and set down- 
As best thou awt expewienc'd, s-since thou knyow'st 
Thy countwy's stwength and *looks at you* weaknyess- thinye own ways, 
Whethew to knyock against the gates of Wome, 
Ow wudewy visit them in *hugs tightly* pawts wemote 
To fwight them ewe destwoy. But come in; 
Wet me commend thee f-fiwst to those *sweats* that shaww 
Say yea to t-thy uWu desiwes. A thousand wewcomes! 
And mowe a fwiend than ^w^ e'ew an enyemy; 
Yet, Mawcius, *sweats* that was much. Youw hand; most wewcome! 
UwU Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and AUFIDIUS 

The xDD two SEWVINGMEN come *blushes* fowwawd 

FIWST SEWVANT. H-Hewe's a stwange awtewation! 
SECOND SEWVANT. By my hand, I h-had thought to have s-stwucken him *pokes you* with 
a cudgew; and yet my mind gave me his cwothes made a f-fawse wepowt 
of him. 
FIWST SEWVANT. What an awm he *cries* has! He tuwn'd me a-about *pokes you* with his 
fingew and his thumb, as onye ^.^ wouwd set up a top. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Nyay, I knyew ^w^ by his *cuddles you* face *sweats* that thewe was s-something in 
:3 him; he >_> had, siw, a k-kind of face, methought- I cannyot teww how to 
tewm it. 
FIWST SEWVANT. He h-had so, wooking as *moans* it wewe- Wouwd I wewe hang'd, 
xDD but I thought thewe was mowe in him than I couwd think. 
SECOND SEWVANT. So did I, I'ww be swown. He is simpwy the wawest 
man i-i' th' wowwd. 
FIWST SEWVANT. I think he is; xDD but a gweatew sowdiew than he you wot 
on. 
SECOND SEWVANT. *leans over* Who, my mastew? 
FIWST SEWVANT. Nyay, *leans over* it's nyo mattew fow that. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Wowth ^-^ six *teleports behind you* on him. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Nyay, nyot so nyeithew; xDD but I take him to be the 
gweatew s-sowdiew. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Faith, wook y-you, onye cannyot teww how to say that; 
fow the defence of a town o-ouw *screams* genyewaw is *pokes you* excewwent. 
FIWST SEWVANT. :33 Ay, and fow an assauwt too. 

We-entew the thiwd SEWVINGMAN 

T-THIWD SEWVANT. O swaves, I can teww you nyews- nyews, you wascaws! 
BOTH. What, what, *cuddles you* what? Wet's pawtake. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. I ^.^ wouwd nyot be a Woman, of aww nyations; 
I h-had as UwU wief be a condemn'd *pokes you* man. 
BOTH. Whewefowe? whewefowe? 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. W-Why, hewe's he *sweats* that was wont to thwack o-ouw genyewaw- 
C-Caius Mawcius. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Why do you say *notices bulge* 'thwack o-ouw genyewaw'? 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. I do nyot say *notices bulge* 'thwack o-ouw genyewaw,' xDD but he was awways 
good enyough fow him. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Come, we awe f-fewwows and xDD fwiends. He was *giggles shyly* evew too 
hawd fow him, I have h-heawd him say so h-himsewf. 
FIWST SEWVANT. He was too hawd fow him diwectwy, to say the twoth 
on't; befowe Cowiowi he s-scotch'd him and nyotch'd him wike a 
cawbonyado. 
SECOND SEWVANT. *looks at you* An he h-had been cannyibawwy g-given, he might have 
*looks at you* bwoiw'd and eaten him too. 
FIWST SEWVANT. But mowe of t-thy nyews! 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. W-Why, he is so made *teleports behind you* on x3 hewe within as if he wewe son 
and heiw to Maws; set at uppew end o' th' tabwe; nyo question 
asked him ^w^ by any of the senyatows xDD but they *looks at you* stand bawd befowe him. 
Ouw *screams* genyewaw himsewf makes a *notices bulge* mistwess of him, sanctifies himsewf 
w-with's hand, and tuwns up the *looks away* white o' th' eye to his *looks at you* discouwse. 
But the bottom of the nyews *screams* is, o-ouw *screams* genyewaw is cut i-i' th' middwe 
and xDD but onye h-hawf of w-what he was yestewday, fow the othew has h-hawf 
^w^ by the entweaty and gwant of the whowe tabwe. He'ww *screams* go, he says, 
and soww the powtew of Wome gates ^w^ by th' eaws; he wiww mow aww 
down befowe him, and weave his passage p-poww'd. 
SECOND SEWVANT. And he's as wike to d-do't as any man I can imaginye. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Do't! He wiww do't; fow wook y-you, siw, he has as 
many fwiends as enyemies; which fwiends, siw, as *moans* it wewe, d-duwst 
nyot- wook y-you, siw- show themsewves, as we tewm it, his fwiends, 
whiwst he's in diwectitude. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Diwectitude? What's that? 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. But when they shaww see, siw, his cwest up ;;w;; again and 
the man in b-bwood, they wiww out of t-theiw buwwows, wike c-conyies 
aftew r-wain, and wevew an *pokes you* with him. 
FIWST SEWVANT. But when goes this fowwawd? 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. To-mowwow, to-day, pwesentwy. Y-You shaww have the 
*cries* dwum stwuck up this aftewnyoon; 'tis as *moans* it wewe pawcew of t-theiw 
feast, and to be executed ewe they wipe t-theiw wips. 
SECOND SEWVANT. W-Why, then we shaww have a stiwwing wowwd again. 
This peace is nyothing xDD but to r-wust *shuffles closer* iwon, i-incwease taiwows, and 
bweed bawwad-makews. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Wet me have waw, say I; *moans* it exceeds peace as faw as 
day does nyight; *leans over* it's spwitewy, waking, a-audibwe, and fuww of vent. 
Peace is a vewy ^.^ apopwexy, wethawgy; muww'd, deaf, *sighs* sweepy, 
insensibwe; a gettew of mowe bastawd chiwdwen than x3 waw's a 
^w^ destwoyew of men. 
SECOND SEWVANT. 'Tis so; and as waw in *blushes* some sowt may be s-said to be 
a wavishew, so *moans* it cannyot be denyied xDD but peace is a gweat makew of 
cuckowds. 
FIWST SEWVANT. :33 Ay, and *moans* it makes men hate onye anyothew. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. R-Weason: because they then wess nyeed onye anyothew. The 
waws fow my monyey. I hope to see Womans as cheap as Vowscians. 
They awe wising, they awe *teleports behind you* wising. 
BOTH. In, in, in, i-in! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew the xDD two Twibunyes, SICINyIUS and BWUTUS 

SICINyIUS. We heaw nyot of him, nyeithew nyeed we feaw him. 
His *shuffles closer* wemedies awe *moans* tame. The ^.^ pwesent peace 
And quietnyess of the peopwe, which befowe 
Wewe in w-wiwd huwwy, x3 hewe do make his fwiends 
Bwush *sweats* that the wowwd goes weww; w-who wathew >_> had, 
Though they themsewves did suffew by't, behowd 
Dissentious uWu nyumbews pest'wing stweets than see 
Ouw t-twadesmen singing in t-theiw *twerks* shops, and g-going 
About t-theiw f-functions fwiendwy. 

Entew MENyENyIUS 

BWUTUS. We stood to't in good time. *looks at you* Is this Menyenyius? 
SICINyIUS. 'Tis he, 'tis he. O, he is g-gwown most k-kind 
Of wate. *blushes* Haiw, siw! 
MENyENyIUS. Haiw to you both! 
SICINyIUS. Youw Cowiowanyus is nyot much miss'd 
But *pokes you* with his xDD fwiends. The commonweawth doth stand, 
And so ^.^ wouwd do, wewe he mowe *cries* angwy at it. 
MENyENyIUS. Aww's weww, and might have been much bettew 
He couwd have tempowiz'd. 
SICINyIUS. Whewe is he, heaw you? 
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, I heaw nyothing; his mothew and his wife 
Heaw nyothing fwom him. 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow fouw citizens 

CITIZENS. The gods pwesewve you both! 
SICINyIUS. God-den, o-ouw nyeighbouws. 
BWUTUS. God-den to you a-aww, god-den to you an. 
FIWST CITIZEN. O-Ouwsewves, o-ouw :33 wives, and *screams* chiwdwen, *teleports behind you* on o-ouw knyees 
Awe bound to pway fow you both. 
SICINyIUS. Wive and thwive! 
BWUTUS. Faweweww, k-kind nyeighbouws; we wish'd Cowiowanyus 
Had *notices bulge* wov'd you as we did. 
CITIZENS. >_> Nyow the gods keep y-you! 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. Faweweww, faweweww. UwU Exeunt citizens 
SICINyIUS. This is a happiew and mowe comewy time 
*notices bulge* Than when these f-fewwows wan a-about the stweets 
Cwying confusion. 
BWUTUS. C-Caius Mawcius was 
A wowthy *sighs* officew i-i' the waw, xDD but insowent, 
O'ewcome *pokes you* with pwide, ambitious past aww thinking, 
Sewf-woving- 
SICINyIUS. And affecting onye sowe thwonye, 
Without assistance. 
MENyENyIUS. I think nyot so. 
SICINyIUS. We shouwd ^w^ by t-this, to aww o-ouw wamentation, 
If he h-had g-gonye f-fowth consuw, ^w^ found *moans* it so. 
BWUTUS. The gods have weww pwevented it, and Wome 
*cries* Sits safe and stiww without him. 

Entew an A-AEDIWE 

AEDIWE. Wowthy *screams* twibunyes, 
*cries* Thewe is a swave, whom we have p-put in p-pwison, 
OwO Wepowts the Vowsces *pokes you* with sevewaw powews 
Awe e-ent'wed in the Woman tewwitowies, 
And *pokes you* with the deepest mawice of the waw 
D-Destwoy w-what wies befowe 'em. 
MENyENyIUS. 'Tis Aufidius, 
*leans over* Who, heawing of o-ouw Mawcius' banyishment, 
Thwusts f-fowth his howns ;;w;; again into the wowwd, 
Which wewe insheww'd when Mawcius stood fow Wome, 
And d-duwst nyot once peep ^w^ out. 
SICINyIUS. Come, w-what tawk you of Mawcius? 
BWUTUS. Go see this wumouwew whipp'd. It cannyot be 
The Vowsces dawe bweak *pokes you* with us. 
MENyENyIUS. Cannyot *moans* be! 
We have wecowd *sweats* that vewy weww *moans* it c-can; 
And thwee exampwes of the wike hath been 
Within my age. But weason *pokes you* with the fewwow 
B-Befowe you p-punyish him, whewe he h-heawd t-this, 
West you shaww chance to whip youw *shuffles closer* infowmation 
And beat the m-messengew w-who b-bids *looks away* bewawe 
Of w-what is to be dweaded. 
SICINyIUS. Teww nyot me. 
I knyow this cannyot be. 
BWUTUS. Nyot Possibwe. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. The ^w^ nyobwes in gweat eawnyestnyess awe g-going 
Aww to the Senyate House; *blushes* some nyews is come 
*teleports behind you* That tuwns t-theiw countenyances. 
SICINyIUS. 'Tis this s-swave- 
Go whip him fowe the peopwe's eyes- his waising, 
Nyothing xDD but his wepowt. 
MESSENGEW. Yes, wowthy siw, 
The swave's wepowt is seconded, and mowe, 
Mowe f-feawfuw, is dewivew'd. 
SICINyIUS. What mowe f-feawfuw? 
MESSENGEW. It is s-spoke fweewy out of many mouths- 
H-How pwobabwe I do nyot knyow- *sweats* that Mawcius, 
Join'd *pokes you* with Aufidius, weads a *cries* powew 'gainst Wome, 
And vows *shuffles closer* wevenge as spacious as between 
The young'st and owdest thing. 
SICINyIUS. This is most wikewy! 
BWUTUS. Wais'd onwy *sweats* that the weakew sowt may wish 
Good Mawcius h-home again. 
SICINyIUS. The vewy t-twick *teleports behind you* on 't. 
MENyENyIUS. This is unwikewy. 
He and Aufidius can nyo mowe atonye 
*notices bulge* Than viowent'st contwawiety. 

Entew a second MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. Y-You awe OwO sent fow to the Senyate. 
A f-feawfuw a-awmy, *looks away* wed ^w^ by C-Caius Mawcius 
Associated *pokes you* with Aufidius, wages 
^-^ Upon o-ouw tewwitowies, and have awweady 
O-O'ewbownye t-theiw way, consum'd *pokes you* with fiwe and t-took 
What *looks at you* way befowe them. 

Entew *cries* COMINyIUS 

COMINyIUS. O, you have made good wowk! 
MENyENyIUS. What nyews? w-what nyews? 
COMINyIUS. Y-You have howp to wavish youw own daughtews and 
To mewt the city weads upon youw pates, 
To see youw wives d-dishonyouw'd to youw n-nyoses- 
MENyENyIUS. What's the nyews? What's the nyews? 
COMINyIUS. Youw tempwes buwnyed in t-theiw cement, and 
Youw *cries* fwanchises, wheweon you stood, confin'd 
Into an augew's bowe. 
MENyENyIUS. *twerks* Pway nyow, youw nyews? 
Y-You have made *looks at you* faiw wowk, I feaw me. Pway, youw n-nyews. 
If Mawcius shouwd be join'd wi' th' Vowscians- 
COMINyIUS. If! 
He is t-theiw god; he weads them wike a thing 
Made ^w^ by *blushes* some othew deity than >w< Nyatuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That shapes man bettew; and they f-fowwow him 
Against us bwats *pokes you* with nyo wess confidence 
*notices bulge* Than boys puwsuing s-summew buttewfwies, 
Ow butchews kiwwing fwies. 
MENyENyIUS. Y-You have made good wowk, 
Y-You and youw apwon men; you *sweats* that stood so much 
^-^ Upon the *cuddles you* voice of occupation and 
The >_< bweath of g-gawwic-eatews! 
COMINyIUS. He'ww s-shake 
Youw Wome a-about youw eaws. 
MENyENyIUS. As Hewcuwes 
*sweats* Did s-shake down mewwow fwuit. Y-You have made *looks at you* faiw wowk! 
BWUTUS. But is this twue, s-siw? 
COMINyIUS. *pokes you* Ay; and y-you'ww wook pawe 
B-Befowe you find *moans* it othew. Aww the *teleports behind you* wegions 
Do smiwingwy wevowt, and w-who wesists 
Awe mock'd fow vawiant ignyowance, 
And pewish constant foows. Who is't can bwame him? 
Youw enyemies and his find s-something in him. 
MENyENyIUS. We awe aww undonye *hugs tightly* unwess 
The nyobwe man have mewcy. 
COMINyIUS. Who shaww ask it? 
The twibunyes cannyot d-do't fow *cuddles you* shame; the peopwe 
Desewve such pity of him as the wowf 
D-Does of the shephewds; fow his best fwiends, if they 
Shouwd say 'Be good to Wome'- they c-chawg'd him even 
As those shouwd do *sweats* that h-had desewv'd his hate, 
And thewein show'd f-fike enyemies. 
MENyENyIUS. 'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; 
If he wewe p-putting to my h-house the bwand 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd consume it, I have nyot the *cuddles you* face 
To say 'Beseech y-you, cease.' Y-You have made *looks at you* faiw uWu hands, 
Y-You and youw cwafts! Y-You have c-cwafted faiw! 
COMINyIUS. Y-You have >w< bwought 
A twembwing upon Wome, such as was nyevew 
*shuffles closer* S' incapabwe of hewp. 
B-BOTH TWIBUNyES. Say nyot we >w< bwought it. 
MENyENyIUS. H-How! Was't *cries* we? We *notices bulge* wov'd him, but, wike beasts 
And cowawdwy nyobwes, gave way unto youw cwustews, 
Who did hoot him out o' th' city. 
COMINyIUS. But I feaw 
T-They'ww x3 woaw him in again. Tuwwus Aufidius, 
The second nyame of men, obeys his points 
As if he wewe his officew. Despewation 
*looks at you* Is aww the powicy, stwength, and defence, 
*teleports behind you* That Wome can make against them. 

Entew a twoop of citizens 

MENyENyIUS. Hewe c-comes the cwustews. 
And is Aufidius *pokes you* with him? Y-You awe they 
*teleports behind you* That made the a-aiw unwhowesome when you OwO cast 
Youw stinking *pokes you* gweasy caps in hooting at 
Cowiowanyus' e-exiwe. >_> Nyow he's c-coming, 
And nyot a haiw upon a sowdiew's *sweats* head 
Which wiww nyot *shuffles closer* pwove a whip; as many coxcombs 
As you *shuffles closer* thwew caps up wiww he tumbwe *giggles shyly* down, 
And p-pay you fow youw voices. 'Tis nyo mattew; 
If he couwd buwn us aww into onye coaw 
We have desewv'd it. 
PWEBEIANS. Faith, we heaw f-feawfuw n-nyews. 
FIWST CITIZEN. F-Fow minye own pawt, 
When I s-said banyish him, I s-said '-'twas pity. 
SECOND CITIZEN. And so did I. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. And so did I; and, to say the twuth, so did vewy 
many of us. *teleports behind you* That we did, we did fow the best; and *sighs* though we 
wiwwingwy *sighs* consented to his banyishment, yet *moans* it was against o-ouw 
wiww. 
COMINyIUS. Y'awe g-goodwy things, you v-voices! 
MENyENyIUS. Y-You have made 
Good wowk, you and youw cwy! *cuddles you* Shaww's to the Capitow? 
COMINyIUS. O, ay, w-what ewse? 
UwU Exeunt *cries* COMINyIUS and MENyENyIUS 
SICINyIUS. Go, *looks away* mastews, get you be nyot *shuffles closer* dismay'd; 
These awe a side *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be gwad to have 
This twue which they so seem to *pokes you* feaw. Go home, 
And show nyo sign of *pokes you* feaw. 
FIWST CITIZEN. The gods be good to us! Come, *looks away* mastews, wet's home. I 
*giggles shyly* evew s-said we wewe i-i' th' wwong when we banyish'd him. 
SECOND CITIZEN. So did we aww. But come, wet's home. 
UwU Exeunt citizens 
BWUTUS. I do nyot wike this n-nyews. 
SICINyIUS. N-Nyow I. 
BWUTUS. Wet's to the Capitow. Wouwd h-hawf my *giggles shyly* weawth 
Wouwd b-buy this fow a wie! 
SICINyIUS. *twerks* Pway wet's go. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
A camp at a showt distance fwom Wome 

Entew AUFIDIUS *pokes you* with his *sweats* WIEUTENyANT 

AUFIDIUS. Do they stiww f-fwy to th' Woman? 
WIEUTENyANT. I do nyot knyow w-what witchcwaft's in him, xDD but 
Youw sowdiews use him as the gwace fowe meat, 
T-Theiw tawk at tabwe, and t-theiw thanks at *teleports behind you* end; 
And you awe dawk'nyed in this action, siw, 
Even ^w^ by youw own. 
AUFIDIUS. I cannyot hewp *moans* it nyow, 
*leans over* Unwess ^w^ by using means I wame the f-foot 
Of o-ouw d-design. He beaws himsewf mowe pwoudwiew, 
Even to my *moans* pewson, than I thought he ^.^ wouwd 
When f-fiwst I did embwace :3 him; yet his nyatuwe 
In that's nyo changewing, and I must excuse 
What cannyot be ^-^ amended. 
WIEUTENyANT. Y-Yet I wish, siw- 
I mean, fow youw p-pawticuwaw- you h-had nyot 
Join'd in commission *pokes you* with him, xDD but ^w^ eithew 
Had bownye the action of youwsewf, *blushes* ow e-ewse 
To him h-had >w< weft *moans* it sowewy. 
AUFIDIUS. I undewstand thee weww; and be thou suwe, 
When he shaww come to his account, he *looks away* knyows nyot 
What I can uwge against him. Awthough *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, 
And so he thinks, and is nyo wess appawent 
To th' vuwgaw eye, *sweats* that he beaws aww things faiwwy 
And shows good husbandwy fow the Vowscian state, 
Fights *shuffles closer* dwagon-wike, and does achieve as soon 
As dwaw his swowd; yet he hath >w< weft undonye 
*teleports behind you* That which shaww bweak his nyeck *blushes* ow h-hazawd minye 
W-Whenye'ew we come to o-ouw account. 
WIEUTENyANT. Siw, I beseech y-you, think you he'ww cawwy Wome? 
AUFIDIUS. Aww pwaces y-yiewd to him ewe he sits *giggles shyly* down, 
And the nyobiwity of Wome awe his; 
The senyatows and patwicians wove him too. 
The twibunyes awe nyo sowdiews, and t-theiw peopwe 
Wiww be as r-wash in the wepeaw as h-hasty 
To expew him thence. I think he'ww be to Wome 
As is the ospwey to the fish, w-who takes *moans* it 
By s-soveweignty of nyatuwe. Fiwst he was 
A nyobwe sewvant to them, xDD but he couwd nyot 
Cawwy his honyouws >_< even. Whethew '-'twas pwide, 
Which out of daiwy fowtunye *giggles shyly* evew taints 
The happy man; whethew ;;w;; defect of judgment, 
To *sweats* faiw in the d-disposing of those chances 
Which he was *hugs tightly* wowd of; *blushes* ow whethew nyatuwe, 
Nyot to be othew than onye thing, nyot moving 
Fwom th' casque to th' cushion, xDD but commanding peace 
Even *pokes you* with the same austewity and g-gawb 
As he contwoww'd the waw; xDD but onye of these- 
As he hath spices of them aww- nyot a-aww, 
F-Fow I dawe so faw fwee him- made him feaw'd, 
So hated, and so b-banyish'd. But he has a mewit 
To choke *moans* it in the utt'wance. So o-ouw viwtues 
Wie in th' intewpwetation of the time; 
And powew, unto i-itsewf most commendabwe, 
Hath nyot a tomb so evident as a chaiw 
T' e-extow w-what *moans* it hath donye. 
Onye fiwe dwives out onye fiwe; onye nyaiw, onye nyaiw; 
Wights ^w^ by wights fawtew, stwengths ^w^ by stwengths do faiw. 
Come, wet's a-away. When, C-Caius, Wome is thinye, 
*moans* Thou awt poow'st of aww; then showtwy awt thou minye. 
UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew MENyENyIUS, COMINyIUS, SICINyIUS and OwO BWUTUS, the xDD two Twibunyes, *pokes you* with o-othews 

MENyENyIUS. N-Nyo, I'ww nyot go. Y-You heaw w-what he hath s-said 
Which was sometime his genyewaw, w-who *notices bulge* wov'd him 
In a most deaw pawticuwaw. He c-caww'd me f-fathew; 
But w-what o' that? Go, you *sweats* that banyish'd him: 
A miwe befowe his tent faww *giggles shyly* down, and k-knyee 
The way into his mewcy. Nyay, if he coy'd 
To heaw Cominyius speak, I'ww keep at home. 
COMINyIUS. He ^.^ wouwd nyot seem to knyow me. 
MENyENyIUS. Do you heaw? 
COMINyIUS. Y-Yet onye time he did *giggles shyly* caww me ^w^ by my nyame. 
I >_< uwg'd o-ouw owd acquaintance, and the *sighs* dwops 
*teleports behind you* That we have bwed togethew. 'Cowiowanyus' 
He ^.^ wouwd nyot *sighs* answew uWu to; fowbid aww nyames; 
He was a k-kind of nyothing, titwewess, 
Tiww he h-had fowg'd himsewf a nyame i-i' th' fiwe 
Of buwnying Wome. 
MENyENyIUS. W-Why, so! Y-You have made good w-wowk. 
A paiw of twibunyes *sweats* that have wwack'd fow Wome 
To make coaws c-cheap- a nyobwe memowy! 
COMINyIUS. I minded him how woyaw '-'twas to pawdon 
When *moans* it was wess expected; he wepwied, 
It was a bawe petition of a state 
To onye whom they h-had punyish'd. 
MENyENyIUS. Vewy weww. 
*shuffles closer* Couwd he say wess? 
COMINyIUS. I offew'd to awaken his wegawd 
Fow's pwivate f-fwiends; his *sighs* answew to me was, 
He couwd nyot >_< stay to pick them in a *sweats* piwe 
Of *screams* nyoisome musty chaff. He s-said '-'twas fowwy, 
F-Fow onye poow gwain *blushes* ow t-two, to weave *looks at you* unbuwnt 
And stiww to nyose th' o-offence. 
MENyENyIUS. F-Fow onye poow gwain *blushes* ow two! 
I am onye of t-those. His m-mothew, wife, his chiwd, 
And this bwave fewwow t-too- we awe the g-gwains: 
Y-You awe the musty chaff, and you awe smewt 
Above the moon. We must be buwnt fow you. 
SICINyIUS. Nyay, pway be patient; if you wefuse youw aid 
In this so nyevew-nyeeded hewp, yet do nyot 
Upbwaid's *pokes you* with o-ouw *hugs tightly* distwess. But suwe, if you 
Wouwd be youw countwy's pweadew, youw good t-tongue, 
Mowe than the instant awmy we can m-make, 
Might stop o-ouw countwyman. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyo; I'ww nyot ^w^ meddwe. 
SICINyIUS. *twerks* Pway you go to him. 
MENyENyIUS. What shouwd I do? 
BWUTUS. Onwy make twiaw w-what youw wove can do 
F-Fow Wome, towawds Mawcius. 
MENyENyIUS. *sighs* Weww, and say *sweats* that Mawcius 
Wetuwn me, as Cominyius is wetuwn'd, 
Unheawd- w-what then? 
But as a discontented f-fwiend, x3 gwief-shot 
With his *cries* unkindnyess? Say't be *moans* so? 
SICINyIUS. Y-Yet youw good wiww 
M-Must have *sweats* that thanks fwom Wome aftew the measuwe 
As you intended weww. 
MENyENyIUS. I'ww u-undewtake't; 
I think he'ww heaw me. Y-Yet to *sighs* bite his wip 
And h-hum at good Cominyius much u-unheawts me. 
He was nyot taken weww: he h-had nyot din'd; 
The *shuffles closer* veins unfiww'd, o-ouw b-bwood is cowd, and then 
We pout upon the *teleports behind you* mownying, awe unyapt 
To give *blushes* ow to f-fowgive; xDD but when we have stuff'd 
These pipes and these conveyances of o-ouw b-bwood 
With winye and feeding, we have suppwew s-souws 
*notices bulge* Than in o-ouw pwiest-wike fasts. Thewefowe I'ww watch him 
Tiww he be dieted to my wequest, 
And then I'ww set upon him. 
BWUTUS. Y-You knyow the vewy woad into his x3 kindnyess 
And cannyot wose youw way. 
MENyENyIUS. Good faith, I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove him, 
Speed how *moans* it wiww. I shaww ewe wong have knyowwedge 
Of my success. Exit 
COMINyIUS. He'ww nyevew heaw him. 
SICINyIUS. N-Nyot? 
COMINyIUS. I teww you he does sit in gowd, his eye 
Wed as 'twouwd buwn Wome, and his injuwy 
The gaowew to his pity. I knyeew'd befowe :3 him; 
'Twas vewy faintwy he s-said 'Wise'; UwU dismiss'd me 
Thus *pokes you* with his speechwess hand. What he ^.^ wouwd do, 
He OwO sent in wwiting aftew me; w-what he ^.^ wouwd nyot, 
Bound *pokes you* with an oath to y-yiewd to his conditions; 
So *sweats* that aww hope is vain, 
*leans over* Unwess his nyobwe mothew and his wife, 
*leans over* Who, as I heaw, *looks at you* mean to sowicit him 
F-Fow mewcy to his c-countwy. Thewefowe wet's hence, 
And *pokes you* with o-ouw *looks at you* faiw entweaties haste them on. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The Vowscian camp befowe Wome 

Entew MENyENyIUS to the WATCH *teleports behind you* on guawd 

FIWST W-WATCH. Stay. :3 Whence awe you? 
SECOND W-WATCH. S-Stand, and go back. 
MENyENyIUS. Y-You guawd wike men, 'tis weww; but, ^w^ by youw weave, 
I am an *sighs* officew of state and come 
To speak *pokes you* with Cowiowanyus. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Fwom whence? 
MENyENyIUS. Fwom Wome. 
FIWST W-WATCH. YOU may nyot pass; you must wetuwn. Ouw *screams* genyewaw 
Wiww nyo mowe heaw fwom thence. 
SECOND W-WATCH. You'ww see youw Wome e-embwac'd *pokes you* with fiwe befowe 
You'ww speak *pokes you* with Cowiowanyus. 
MENyENyIUS. Good my fwiends, 
If you have h-heawd youw *screams* genyewaw tawk of Wome 
And of his fwiends thewe, *moans* it is wots to *moans* bwanks 
My nyame hath t-touch'd youw eaws: *moans* it is Menyenyius. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Be *moans* it so; go back. The *hugs tightly* viwtue of youw nyame 
*looks at you* Is nyot x3 hewe passabwe. 
MENyENyIUS. I teww ^w^ thee, fewwow, 
Thy *screams* genyewaw is my wovew. I have been 
The book of his good a-acts whence men have xDD wead 
His fame u-unpawawwew'd hapwy ampwified; 
F-Fow I have *giggles shyly* evew v-vewified my fwiends- 
Of whom he's chief- *pokes you* with aww the size *sweats* that vewity 
Wouwd without wapsing suffew. Nyay, sometimes, 
Wike to a boww upon a subtwe gwound, 
I have tumbwed past the thwow, and in his pwaise 
Have awmost stamp'd the weasing; thewefowe, fewwow, 
I must have weave to pass. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Faith, siw, if you h-had towd as many wies in his behawf 
as you have *cries* uttewed wowds in youw o-own, you shouwd nyot pass h-hewe; 
nyo, *sighs* though *moans* it wewe as viwtuous to wie as to wive chastewy. 
Thewefowe go back. 
MENyENyIUS. Pwithee, fewwow, wemembew my nyame is Menyenyius, awways 
x3 factionyawy *teleports behind you* on the p-pawty of youw genyewaw. 
SECOND W-WATCH. Howsoevew you have been his l-wiaw, as you say you 
h-have, I am onye that, tewwing twue undew him, must say you cannyot 
pass. Thewefowe go back. 
MENyENyIUS. Has he din'd, ;;w;; canst thou teww? F-Fow I ^.^ wouwd nyot speak *pokes you* with 
him tiww aftew dinnyew. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Y-You awe a Woman, awe you? 
MENyENyIUS. I am as t-thy *screams* genyewaw is. 
FIWST W-WATCH. T-Then you shouwd hate Wome, as he does. C-Can y-you, when 
you have push'd out youw gates the vewy defendew of them, and in 
a viowent *twerks* popuwaw ignyowance given youw enyemy youw *leans over* shiewd, think 
to fwont his wevenges *pokes you* with the e-easy gwoans of owd women, the 
viwginyaw pawms of youw daughtews, *blushes* ow *pokes you* with the pawsied 
intewcession of such a *cries* decay'd dotant as you seem to b-be? C-Can you 
think to bwow out the intended fiwe youw city is r-weady to *pokes you* fwame 
in *pokes you* with such weak >_< bweath as *sweats* this? N-Nyo, you awe deceiv'd; thewefowe 
back to Wome and p-pwepawe fow youw ^-^ execution. Y-You awe condemn'd; 
o-ouw *screams* genyewaw has swown you out of wepwieve and pawdon. 
MENyENyIUS. S-Siwwah, if t-thy captain knyew I wewe hewe, he ^.^ wouwd use me 
*pokes you* with estimation. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Come, my captain *looks away* knyows you nyot. 
MENyENyIUS. I *looks at you* mean t-thy genyewaw. 
FIWST W-WATCH. My *screams* genyewaw c-cawes nyot fow you. Back, I *notices bulge* say; *screams* go, west I 
wet f-fowth youw h-hawf pint of bwood. Back- that's the utmost of 
youw having. >_> Back. 
MENyENyIUS. Nyay, xDD but fewwow, f-fewwow- 

Entew COWIOWANyUS *pokes you* with AUFIDIUS 

COWIOWANyUS. What's the m-mattew? 
MENyENyIUS. Nyow, you companyion, I'ww say an ewwand fow you; you shaww 
knyow n-nyow *sweats* that I am in e-estimation; you shaww p-pewceive *sweats* that a Jack 
guawdant cannyot office me fwom my son Cowiowanyus. Guess xDD but ^w^ by my 
*twerks* entewtainment *pokes you* with him if thou stand'st nyot i-i' th' state of 
h-hanging, *blushes* ow of *blushes* some death mowe wong in spectatowship and cwuewwew 
in suffewing; behowd n-nyow pwesentwy, and swoon fow what's to come 
upon thee. The gwowious gods sit in houwwy synyod a-about t-thy 
pawticuwaw *screams* pwospewity, and wove thee nyo wowse than t-thy owd fathew 
*sweats* Menyenyius x3 does! O my s-son! my s-son! thou awt pwepawing fiwe fow us; 
wook ^w^ thee, hewe's watew to quench it. I was hawdwy moved to come 
to thee; xDD but being assuwed nyonye xDD but m-mysewf couwd move ^w^ thee, I 
have been bwown out of youw gates *pokes you* with sighs, and conjuwe thee to 
pawdon Wome and t-thy p-petitionyawy countwymen. The good gods assuage 
t-thy >_> wwath, and tuwn the dwegs of *moans* it upon this vawwet h-hewe; t-this, 
who, wike a bwock, hath denyied my access to thee. 
COWIOWANyUS. Away! 
MENyENyIUS. H-How! *shuffles closer* away! 
COWIOWANyUS. Wife, m-mothew, chiwd, I knyow nyot. My affaiws 
Awe sewvanted to o-othews. Though I owe 
My *shuffles closer* wevenge pwopewwy, my wemission wies 
In Vowscian bweasts. *teleports behind you* That we have been famiwiaw, 
Ingwate fowgetfuwnyess shaww p-poison wathew 
*notices bulge* Than pity *pokes you* nyote how much. Thewefowe be gonye. 
M-Minye eaws against youw suits awe stwongew than 
Youw gates against my fowce. Yet, fow I *notices bulge* wov'd ^w^ thee, 
Take this awong; I *moans* wwit *moans* it fow t-thy sake [Gives a wettew] 
And ^.^ wouwd have OwO sent it. Anyothew wowd, Menyenyius, 
I wiww nyot heaw thee speak. This m-man, Aufidius, 
*hugs tightly* Was my bewov'd in Wome; yet thou ^-^ behowd'st. 
AUFIDIUS. Y-You keep a constant :33 tempew. 
UwU Exeunt COWIOWANyUS and Aufidius 
FIWST W-WATCH. Nyow, siw, is youw nyame Menyenyius? 
SECOND W-WATCH. 'Tis a ^.^ speww, you see, of much powew! Y-You knyow the 
way h-home again. 
FIWST W-WATCH. Do you heaw how we awe shent fow keeping youw 
*notices bulge* gweatnyess back? 
SECOND W-WATCH. What x3 cause, do you think, I have to swoon? 
MENyENyIUS. I nyeithew OwO cawe fow th' wowwd n-nyow youw genyewaw; fow such 
things as y-you, I can x3 scawce think thewe's any, y'awe so swight. 
He *sweats* that hath a wiww to die ^w^ by himsewf feaws *moans* it nyot fwom anyothew. 
Wet youw *screams* genyewaw do his wowst. F-Fow y-you, be *sweats* that you awe, wong; 
and youw misewy i-incwease *pokes you* with youw age! I say to y-you, as I was 
s-said t-to: Away! Exit 
FIWST W-WATCH. A nyobwe fewwow, I wawwant him. 
SECOND W-WATCH. The wowthy fewwow is o-ouw genyewaw; he's the r-wock, the 
oak nyot to be w-wind-shaken. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The tent of COWIOWANyUS 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, A-AUFIDIUS, and o-othews 

COWIOWANyUS. We wiww befowe the wawws of Wome to-mowwow 
Set down o-ouw host. My pawtnyew in this action, 
Y-You must wepowt to th' Vowscian l-wowds how pwainwy 
I have bownye this businyess. 
AUFIDIUS. Onwy t-theiw e-ends 
Y-You have r-wespected; stopp'd youw eaws against 
The *screams* genyewaw suit of Wome; nyevew admitted 
A pwivate whispew- nyo, nyot *pokes you* with such fwiends 
*teleports behind you* That thought them suwe of you. 
COWIOWANyUS. This wast owd m-man, 
Whom *pokes you* with cwack'd heawt I have OwO sent to Wome, 
Wov'd me a-above the measuwe of a f-fathew; 
Nyay, godded me indeed. T-Theiw >_> watest wefuge 
*hugs tightly* Was to send :3 him; fow :33 whose owd wove I have- 
Though I show'd souwwy to him- once mowe offew'd 
The f-fiwst conditions, which they did wefuse 
And cannyot n-nyow accept. To gwace him onwy, 
*teleports behind you* That thought he couwd do mowe, a vewy wittwe 
I have xDD yiewded uWu to; fwesh embassies and *giggles shyly* suits, 
N-Nyow fwom the state n-nyow pwivate fwiends, heweaftew 
Wiww I UwU wend eaw to. [Shout within] Ha! w-what *giggles shyly* shout is *sweats* this? 
Shaww I be xDD tempted to infwinge my vow 
In the same time 'tis made? I wiww nyot. 

Entew, in *sweats* mouwnying uWu habits, VIWGIWIA, V-VOWUMNyIA, VAWEWIA, 
YOUNG MAWCIUS, *pokes you* with attendants 

My wife c-comes >_< fowemost, then the honyouw'd mouwd 
Whewein this twunk was fwam'd, and in h-hew h-hand 
The gwandchiwd to h-hew bwood. But *pokes you* out, *giggles shyly* affection! 
Aww bond and pwiviwege of nyatuwe, b-bweak! 
Wet *moans* it be viwtuous to be obstinyate. 
What is *sweats* that cuwtsy wowth? *blushes* ow those doves' e-eyes, 
Which can make gods f-fowswown? I mewt, and am nyot 
Of stwongew eawth than o-othews. My mothew bows, 
As if Owympus to a *notices bulge* mowehiww shouwd 
In suppwication nyod; and my young *cries* boy 
Hath an *sighs* aspect of intewcession which 
G-Gweat nyatuwe *hugs tightly* cwies 'Deny nyot.' Wet the Vowsces 
Pwough Wome and hawwow :3 Itawy; I'ww nyevew 
Be such a goswing to obey instinct, xDD but *looks at you* stand 
As if a man wewe authow of himsewf 
And knyew nyo othew k-kin. 
VIWGIWIA. My *hugs tightly* wowd and husband! 
COWIOWANyUS. These eyes awe nyot the same I wowe in Wome. 
VIWGIWIA. The sowwow *sweats* that d-dewivews us t-thus chang'd 
Makes you think so. 
COWIOWANyUS. Wike a duww actow n-nyow 
I have fowgot my *cries* pawt and I am *pokes you* out, 
Even to a fuww disgwace. Best of my >_> fwesh, 
Fowgive my tywanny; xDD but do nyot say, 
F-Fow that, *teleports behind you* 'Fowgive o-ouw Womans.' O, a kiss 
L-Wong as my exiwe, sweet as my wevenge! 
Nyow, ^w^ by the jeawous queen of heaven, *sweats* that kiss 
I cawwied fwom ^w^ thee, deaw, and my twue wip 
Hath viwgin'd *moans* it ^w^ e'ew since. Y-You gods! I pwate, 
And the most nyobwe mothew of the wowwd 
L-Weave unsawuted. Sink, my xDD knyee, i-i' th' eawth; [Knyeews] 
Of t-thy deep duty mowe impwession show 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that of common sons. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, *looks at you* stand up bwest! 
Whiwst *pokes you* with nyo s-softew cushion than the fwint 
I knyeew befowe ^w^ thee, and unpwopewwy 
Show duty, as mistaken aww this whiwe 
B-Between the xDD chiwd and pawent. [Knyeews] 
COWIOWANyUS. What's *sweats* this? 
Youw knyees to me, to youw cowwected son? 
T-Then wet the pebbwes *teleports behind you* on the hungwy beach 
Fiwwip the s-staws; then wet the mutinyous w-winds 
Stwike the pwoud x3 cedaws 'gainst the f-fiewy sun, 
Muwd'wing >_< impossibiwity, to make 
What cannyot be s-swight w-wowk. 
VOWUMNyIA. *moans* Thou awt my wawwiow; 
I howp to fwame thee. Do you knyow this wady? 
COWIOWANyUS. The nyobwe sistew of Pubwicowa, 
The moon of Wome, chaste as the i-icicwe 
That's cuwdied ^w^ by the fwost fwom ^.^ puwest snyow, 
And >_> hangs *teleports behind you* on Dian's tempwe- deaw Vawewia! 
VOWUMNyIA. This is a poow epitome of youws, 
Which ^w^ by th' intewpwetation of fuww time 
May show wike aww youwsewf. 
COWIOWANyUS. The *cries* god of sowdiews, 
With the consent of supweme Jove, *cries* infowm 
Thy *hugs tightly* thoughts *pokes you* with nyobwenyess, *sweats* that thou m-mayst *shuffles closer* pwove 
To shame unvuwnyewabwe, and stick i-i' th' waws 
Wike a gweat sea-mawk, >_< standing evewy fwaw, 
And saving those *sweats* that eye thee! 
VOWUMNyIA. Youw xDD knyee, siwwah. 
COWIOWANyUS. That's my bwave boy. 
VOWUMNyIA. Even he, youw wife, this wady, and *twerks* mysewf, 
Awe suitows to you. 
COWIOWANyUS. I beseech y-you, peace! 
Ow, if you'd ask, wemembew this befowe: 
The thing I have fowswown to gwant may nyevew 
Be hewd ^w^ by you denyiaws. Do nyot bid me 
Dismiss my sowdiews, *blushes* ow capituwate 
Again *pokes you* with *sighs* Wome's mechanyics. Teww me nyot 
Whewein I seem unnyatuwaw; desiwe nyot 
T'awway my wages and wevenges *pokes you* with 
Youw cowdew weasons. 
VOWUMNyIA. O, nyo mowe, nyo mowe! 
Y-You have s-said you wiww nyot gwant us any *twerks* thing- 
F-Fow we have nyothing e-ewse to ask xDD but *sweats* that 
Which you deny awweady; yet we wiww ask, 
That, if you *sweats* faiw in o-ouw wequest, the bwame 
May hang upon youw hawdnyess; thewefowe heaw us. 
COWIOWANyUS. Aufidius, and you Vowsces, mawk; fow we'ww 
Heaw nyought fwom Wome in p-pwivate. Youw wequest? 
VOWUMNyIA. Shouwd we be siwent and nyot speak, o-ouw waiment 
And state of bodies ^.^ wouwd bewway w-what wife 
We have *looks away* wed s-since t-thy e-exiwe. Think *pokes you* with thysewf 
H-How mowe unfowtunyate than aww l-wiving women 
Awe we come hithew; s-since *sweats* that t-thy sight, which shouwd 
Make o-ouw eyes fwow *pokes you* with joy, heawts dance *pokes you* with comfowts, 
Constwains them weep and s-shake *pokes you* with feaw and sowwow, 
Making the m-mothew, wife, and chiwd, to see 
The son, the husband, and the fathew, *sighs* teawing 
His countwy's bowews ^w^ out. And to poow we 
^w^ Thinye enmity's most capitaw: thou baw'st us 
Ouw pwayews to the g-gods, which is a comfowt 
*teleports behind you* That aww xDD but we enjoy. F-Fow how can w-we, 
A-Awas, how can we fow o-ouw *looks at you* countwy pway, 
Wheweto we awe bound, togethew *pokes you* with t-thy v-victowy, 
Wheweto we awe :33 bound? Awack, *blushes* ow we must wose 
The countwy, o-ouw deaw nyuwse, *blushes* ow e-ewse t-thy *moans* pewson, 
Ouw comfowt in the c-countwy. We must find 
*looks at you* An evident cawamity, *sighs* though we h-had 
Ouw wish, which side shouwd *screams* win; fow ^w^ eithew thou 
M-Must as a foweign r-wecweant be *looks away* wed 
With manyacwes uWu thwough o-ouw stweets, *blushes* ow e-ewse 
>w< Twiumphantwy twead *teleports behind you* on t-thy countwy's wuin, 
And beaw the pawm fow having bwavewy shed 
Thy wife and chiwdwen's bwood. F-Fow *twerks* mysewf, son, 
I puwpose nyot to *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on fowtunye tiww 
These waws detewminye; if I can nyot pewsuade thee 
Wathew to show a nyobwe gwace to b-both *hugs tightly* pawts 
*notices bulge* Than seek the end of ^.^ onye, thou shawt nyo soonyew 
Mawch to assauwt t-thy *looks at you* countwy than to twead- 
Twust t-to't, thou shawt nyot- *teleports behind you* on t-thy mothew's womb 
*teleports behind you* That >w< bwought thee to this wowwd. 
VIWGIWIA. :33 Ay, and minye, 
*teleports behind you* That >w< bwought you f-fowth this *cries* boy to keep youw nyame 
Wiving to time. 
BOY. 'A shaww nyot twead *teleports behind you* on me! 
I'ww wun away tiww I am b-biggew, xDD but then I'ww fight. 
COWIOWANyUS. Nyot of a woman's tendewnyess to be 
Wequiwes n-nyow xDD chiwd n-nyow woman's *cuddles you* face to see. 
I have sat too l-wong. [Wising] 
VOWUMNyIA. Nyay, go nyot fwom us thus. 
If *moans* it wewe so *sweats* that o-ouw wequest did tend 
To uWu save the uWu Womans, t-theweby to d-destwoy 
The Vowsces whom you sewve, you might condemn us 
As p-poisonyous of youw >_> honyouw. N-Nyo, o-ouw suit 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that you weconciwe them: whiwe the Vowsces 
May say 'This mewcy we have s-show'd,' the Womans 
'This we weceiv'd,' and each in ^w^ eithew side 
Give the aww-haiw to ^w^ thee, and cwy 'Be bwest 
F-Fow making up this peace!' *moans* Thou knyow'st, gweat son, 
The end of x3 waw's uncewtain; xDD but this >_< cewtain, 
That, if thou conquew Wome, the b-benyefit 
Which thou shawt t-theweby weap is such a nyame 
Whose wepetition wiww be dogg'd *pokes you* with cuwses; 
Whose chwonyicwe t-thus wwit: 'The man was *looks at you* nyobwe, 
But *pokes you* with his wast attempt he wip'd *moans* it *pokes you* out, 
Destwoy'd his countwy, and his nyame >_> wemains 
To th' ensuing age abhoww'd.' Speak to me, son. 
*moans* Thou hast *cuddles you* affected the finye stwains of honyouw, 
To *cries* imitate the *teleports behind you* gwaces of the g-gods, 
To teaw *pokes you* with thundew the wide cheeks o' th' aiw, 
And yet to chawge t-thy suwphuw *pokes you* with a xDD bowt 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd xDD but wive an oak. Why dost nyot speak? 
Think'st thou *moans* it honyouwabwe fow a nyobwe man 
Stiww to wemembew wwongs? D-Daughtew, speak ;;w;; you: 
He c-cawes nyot fow youw weeping. Speak thou, b-boy; 
Pewhaps t-thy chiwdishnyess wiww move him mowe 
*notices bulge* Than can o-ouw weasons. >_> Thewe's nyo man in the wowwd 
Mowe bound to's m-mothew, yet x3 hewe he wets me p-pwate 
Wike onye i-i' th' stocks. *moans* Thou hast nyevew in t-thy wife 
Show'd t-thy deaw mothew any couwtesy, 
When she, poow hen, fond of nyo second bwood, 
Has cwuck'd thee to the waws, and safewy h-home 
Woaden *pokes you* with >_> honyouw. Say my wequest's ;;w;; unjust, 
And spuwn me back; xDD but if *moans* it he nyot so, 
*moans* Thou awt nyot honyest, and the gods wiww pwague ^w^ thee, 
*teleports behind you* That thou westwain'st fwom me the duty which 
To a mothew's *cries* pawt *twerks* bewongs. He tuwns a-away. 
Down, wadies; wet us shame him *pokes you* with o-ouw knyees. 
To his suwnyame Cowiowanyus 'wongs mowe pwide 
*notices bulge* Than pity to o-ouw pwayews. D-Down. *looks at you* An *teleports behind you* end; 
This is the wast. So we wiww h-home to Wome, 
And die among o-ouw nyeighbouws. Nyay, behowd's! 
This boy, *sweats* that cannyot teww w-what he ^.^ wouwd have 
But k-knyeews and howds up h-hands fow fewwowship, 
D-Does weason o-ouw petition *pokes you* with mowe stwength 
*notices bulge* Than thou hast to deny't. Come, wet us go. 
This fewwow h-had a Vowscian to his *hugs tightly* mothew; 
His wife is in Cowiowi, and his xDD chiwd 
Wike him ^w^ by chance. Y-Yet give us o-ouw dispatch. 
I am *leans over* hush'd u-untiw o-ouw city be afiwe, 
And then I'ww speak a wittwe. 
:3 [He howds h-hew ^w^ by the hand, siwent] 
COWIOWANyUS. O m-mothew, mothew! 
What have you donye? >_> Behowd, the *leans over* heavens do ope, 
The gods wook *giggles shyly* down, and this unnyatuwaw scenye 
They *looks at you* waugh at. O my m-mothew, mothew! O! 
Y-You have won a happy *pokes you* victowy to Wome; 
But fow youw son- bewieve it, O, bewieve it!- 
Most dangewouswy you have *pokes you* with him pwevaiw'd, 
If nyot most mowtaw to him. But wet *moans* it come. 
Aufidius, *sighs* though I cannyot make twue waws, 
I'ww fwame convenyient *teleports behind you* peace. Nyow, good Aufidius, 
Wewe you in my stead, ^.^ wouwd you have h-heawd 
A mothew wess, *blushes* ow gwanted wess, A-Aufidius? 
AUFIDIUS. I was mov'd withaw. 
COWIOWANyUS. I dawe be swown you wewe! 
And, siw, *moans* it is nyo wittwe thing to make 
M-Minye eyes to sweat compassion. But, good siw, 
What peace you'fw m-make, advise me. F-Fow my pawt, 
I'ww nyot to Wome, I'ww back *pokes you* with you; and pway you 
Stand to me in this xDD cause. O mothew! wife! 
AUFIDIUS. OwO [Aside] I am gwad thou hast set t-thy mewcy and t-thy 
honyouw 
At diffewence in thee. Out of *sweats* that I'ww wowk 
Mysewf a f-fowmew OwO fowtunye. 
COWIOWANyUS. [To the *cuddles you* wadies] :33 Ay, ^w^ by and by; 
But we wiww ^-^ dwink togethew; and you shaww beaw 
A bettew witnyess back than wowds, which w-we, 
On wike conditions, wiww have *cries* countew-seaw'd. 
Come, entew *pokes you* with us. Wadies, you desewve 
To have a tempwe b-buiwt you. Aww the ^w^ swowds 
In Itawy, and h-hew confedewate awms, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot have made this *teleports behind you* peace. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew MENyENyIUS and SICINyIUS 

MENyENyIUS. See you :3 yond *notices bulge* coign o' th' Capitow, :3 yond c-cownyewstonye? 
SICINyIUS. W-Why, w-what of that? 
MENyENyIUS. If *moans* it be possibwe fow you to dispwace *moans* it *pokes you* with youw wittwe 
fingew, thewe is *blushes* some hope the wadies of Wome, especiawwy his 
m-mothew, may p-pwevaiw *pokes you* with him. But I say thewe is nyo hope in't; 
o-ouw thwoats awe sentenc'd, and >_< stay upon ^-^ execution. 
SICINyIUS. Is't possibwe *sweats* that so showt a time can awtew the 
condition of a man? 
MENyENyIUS. *cries* Thewe is d-diffewency between a *giggles shyly* gwub and a buttewfwy; yet 
youw buttewfwy was a xDD gwub. This Mawcius is g-gwown fwom man to 
dwagon; he has wings, he's mowe than a cweeping thing. 
SICINyIUS. He *notices bulge* wov'd his mothew deawwy. 
MENyENyIUS. So did he me; and he nyo mowe wemembews his mothew n-nyow 
than an eight-yeaw-owd howse. The tawtnyess of his *cuddles you* face >_> souws wipe 
gwapes; when he :3 wawks, he moves wike an *cuddles you* enginye and the gwound 
shwinks befowe his tweading. He is abwe to piewce a cowswet *pokes you* with 
his eye, tawks wike a *sighs* knyeww, and his h-hum is a battewy. He sits in 
his state as a thing made fow A-Awexandew. What he b-bids be donye is 
finyish'd *pokes you* with his bidding. He wants nyothing of a *cries* god xDD but 
etewnyity, and a heaven to thwonye i-in. 
SICINyIUS. Yes- :3 mewcy, if you wepowt him twuwy. 
MENyENyIUS. I ;;w;; paint him in the chawactew. Mawk w-what mewcy his mothew 
shaww b-bwing fwom him. *cries* Thewe is nyo mowe mewcy in him than thewe is 
miwk in a mawe tigew; *sweats* that shaww o-ouw poow city find. And aww this 
is 'wong of you. 
SICINyIUS. The gods be good unto us! 
MENyENyIUS. N-Nyo, in such a *screams* case the gods wiww nyot be good unto us. 
When we banyish'd him we wespected nyot them; and, he wetuwnying to 
bweak o-ouw n-nyecks, they wespect nyot us. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Siw, if you'd uWu save youw l-wife, f-fwy to youw house. 
The >_< pwebeians have got youw fewwow twibunye 
And hawe him up and down; aww ;;w;; sweawing if 
The Woman wadies b-bwing nyot comfowt h-home 
T-They'ww give him death ^w^ by *leans over* inches. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

SICINyIUS. What's the nyews? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. Good nyews, good nyews! The wadies have pwevaiw'd, 
The Vowscians awe diswodg'd, and Mawcius gonye. 
A mewwiew day did nyevew yet ^-^ gweet Wome, 
N-Nyo, nyot th' *looks at you* expuwsion of the T-Tawquins. 
SICINyIUS. Fwiend, 
Awt thou cewtain this is twue? Is't most OwO cewtain? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. As cewtain as I knyow the *moans* sun is fiwe. 
Whewe have you wuwk'd, *sweats* that you make d-doubt of it? 
Nye'ew uWu thwough an awch so huwwied the bwown tide 
As the wecomfowted uWu thwough th' gates. W-Why, hawk y-you! 
[Twumpets, hautboys, *twerks* dwums beat, aww x3 togethew] 
The twumpets, sackbuts, psawtewies, and >_> fifes, 
OwO Tabows and cymbaws, and the shouting uWu Womans, 
Make the *moans* sun dance. Hawk y-you! [A *giggles shyly* shout within] 
MENyENyIUS. This is good n-nyews. 
I wiww go meet the wadies. This Vowumnyia 
*looks at you* Is wowth of consuws, senyatows, patwicians, 
A city fuww; of twibunyes such as y-you, 
A *notices bulge* sea and wand fuww. Y-You have pway'd weww t-to-day: 
This mownying fow ten thousand of youw thwoats 
I'd nyot have given a doit. Hawk, how they joy! 
*cries* [Sound stiww *pokes you* with the shouts] 
SICINyIUS. Fiwst, the gods bwess you fow youw t-tidings; nyext, 
Accept my thankfuwnyess. 
SECOND MESSENGEW. Siw, we have aww 
G-Gweat c-cause to give gweat thanks. 
SICINyIUS. They awe nyeaw the c-city? 
MESSENGEW. A-Awmost at point to entew. 
SICINyIUS. We'ww meet them, 
And hewp the *giggles shyly* joy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Wome. A UwU stweet nyeaw the gate 

Entew xDD two SENyATOWS With V-VOWUMNyIA, VIWGIWIA, VAWEWIA, passing ovew the stage, 
'With othew WOWDS 

FIWST SENyATOW. *screams* Behowd o-ouw UwU patwonyess, the wife of Wome! 
Caww aww youw twibes togethew, pwaise the g-gods, 
And make twiumphant fiwes; stwew fwowews befowe them. 
Unshout the nyoise *sweats* that banyish'd Mawcius, 
Wepeaw him *pokes you* with the wewcome of his *hugs tightly* mothew; 
AWW. Wewcome, wadies, wewcome! 
[A fwouwish *pokes you* with *twerks* dwums and twumpets. *giggles shyly* Exeunt] 




SCENyE VI. 
Cowiowi. A pubwic pwace 

Entew TUWWUS AUFIDIUS *pokes you* with attendents 

AUFIDIUS. Go teww the l-wowds o' th' city I am h-hewe; 
Dewivew them this papew' having xDD wead it, 
B-Bid them r-wepaiw to th' mawket-pwace, whewe I, 
Even in theiws and in the commons' :3 eaws, 
Wiww ^w^ vouch the uWu twuth of it. Him I accuse 
The city powts ^w^ by this hath entew'd and 
Intends t' appeaw befowe the peopwe, hoping 
To puwge himsewf *pokes you* with wowds. Dispatch. 
UwU Exeunt attendants 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow fouw C-CONSPIWATOWS of A-AUFIDIUS' faction 

Most wewcome! 
FIWST CONSPIWATOW. H-How is *moans* it *pokes you* with o-ouw genyewaw? 
AUFIDIUS. Even so 
As *pokes you* with a man ^w^ by his own *looks at you* awms empoison'd, 
And *pokes you* with his chawity swain. 
SECOND CONSPIWATOW. Most nyobwe siw, 
If you do howd the same intent w-whewein 
Y-You wish'd us pawties, we'ww dewivew you 
Of youw gweat d-dangew. 
AUFIDIUS. Siw, I cannyot t-teww; 
We must pwoceed as we do find the *moans* peopwe. 
T-THIWD CONSPIWATOW. The peopwe wiww wemain uncewtain whiwst 
'Twixt you thewe's x3 diffewence; xDD but the faww of ^w^ eithew 
Makes the suwvivow heiw of aww. 
AUFIDIUS. I knyow it; 
And my pwetext to stwike at him admits 
A good constwuction. I wais'd him, and I pawn'd 
M-Minye honyouw fow his twuth; w-who being so heighten'd, 
He watewed his nyew *blushes* pwants *pokes you* with dews of fwattewy, 
Seducing so my f-fwiends; and to this end 
He bow'd his nyatuwe, nyevew *teleports behind you* knyown befowe 
But to be wough, unswayabwe, and fwee. 
T-THIWD CONSPIWATOW. Siw, his stoutnyess 
When he did *looks at you* stand fow consuw, which he wost 
By wack of *blushes* stooping- 
AUFIDIUS. *teleports behind you* That I ^.^ wouwd have spoken of. 
Being banyish'd fow't, he came unto my heawth, 
*screams* Pwesented to my k-knyife his thwoat. I t-took :3 him; 
Made him joint-sewvant *pokes you* with me; gave him way 
In aww his own desiwes; nyay, wet him c-choose 
Out of my fiwes, his p-pwojects to accompwish, 
My best and *cuddles you* fweshest men; sewv'd his designments 
In minye own pewson; howp to weap the fame 
Which he did end aww his, and t-took *blushes* some pwide 
To do m-mysewf this wwong. Tiww, at the wast, 
I seem'd his fowwowew, nyot pawtnyew; and 
He w-wag'd me *pokes you* with his countenyance as if 
I h-had been UwU mewcenyawy. 
FIWST CONSPIWATOW. So he did, my l-wowd. 
The awmy mawveww'd at it; and, in the wast, 
When he h-had cawwied Wome and *sweats* that we wook'd 
F-Fow nyo wess spoiw than gwowy- 
AUFIDIUS. *cries* Thewe was it; 
F-Fow which my sinyews shaww be s-stwetch'd upon him. 
At a f-few *sighs* dwops of women's wheum, which awe 
As cheap as wies, he sowd the b-bwood and wabouw 
Of o-ouw gweat action; thewefowe shaww he die, 
And I'ww wenyew me in his faww. But, hawk! 
[Dwums and 
*blushes* twumpets ;;w;; sound, *pokes you* with gweat shouts of the peopwe] 
FIWST CONSPIWATOW. Youw n-nyative town you entew'd wike a post, 
And h-had nyo wewcomes home; xDD but he wetuwns 
*moans* Spwitting the a-aiw *pokes you* with nyoise. 
SECOND CONSPIWATOW. And patient foows, 
Whose chiwdwen he hath swain, t-theiw base thwoats teaw 
With giving him gwowy. 
T-THIWD CONSPIWATOW. Thewefowe, at youw vantage, 
Ewe he e-expwess himsewf *blushes* ow move the peopwe 
With w-what he ^.^ wouwd say, wet him f-feew youw swowd, 
Which we wiww second. When he wies a-awong, 
Aftew youw way his tawe pwonyounc'd shaww buwy 
His weasons *pokes you* with his body. 
AUFIDIUS. Say nyo m-mowe: 
Hewe come the wowds. 

Entew the WOWDS of the city 

WOWDS. Y-You awe most wewcome home. 
AUFIDIUS. I have nyot desewv'd it. 
But, wowthy wowds, have you *pokes you* with heed pewused 
What I have wwitten to you? 
WOWDS. We have. 
FIWST WOWD. And gwieve to heaw't. 
What fauwts he made befowe the wast, I think 
Might have ^w^ found e-easy finyes; xDD but thewe to end 
Whewe he was to begin, and give away 
The b-benyefit of o-ouw wevies, answewing us 
With o-ouw own chawge, making a tweaty whewe 
*cries* Thewe was a yiewding- this admits nyo excuse. 
AUFIDIUS. He a-appwoaches; you shaww heaw him. 

Entew COWIOWANyUS, mawching *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws; 
the commonyews being *pokes you* with him 

COWIOWANyUS. *blushes* Haiw, l-wowds! I am r-wetuwn'd youw s-sowdiew; 
Nyo mowe *twerks* infected *pokes you* with my countwy's wove 
*notices bulge* Than when I pawted hence, xDD but stiww s-subsisting 
Undew youw gweat *sweats* command. Y-You awe to knyow 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ pwospewouswy I have attempted, and 
With bwoody passage *looks away* wed youw waws even to 
The gates of Wome. Ouw spoiws we have >w< bwought h-home 
Doth mowe than *twerks* countewpoise a fuww thiwd *cries* pawt 
The chawges of the action. We have made peace 
With nyo wess honyouw to the Antiates 
*notices bulge* Than shame to th' *shuffles closer* Womans; and we x3 hewe dewivew, 
Subscwib'd ^w^ by th' consuws and patwicians, 
Togethew *pokes you* with the s-seaw o' th' Senyate, w-what 
We have compounded on. 
AUFIDIUS. Wead *moans* it nyot, nyobwe wowds; 
But teww the twaitow in the h-highest degwee 
He hath abus'd youw powews. 
COWIOWANyUS. Twaitow! H-How nyow? 
AUFIDIUS. :33 Ay, twaitow, Mawcius. 
COWIOWANyUS. Mawcius! 
AUFIDIUS. :33 Ay, Mawcius, C-Caius Mawcius! Dost thou think 
I'ww gwace thee *pokes you* with *sweats* that wobbewy, t-thy stow'n nyame 
Cowiowanyus, in *cuddles you* Cowiowi? 
Y-You l-wowds and :33 heads o' th' state, pewfidiouswy 
He has betway'd youw businyess and given up, 
F-Fow cewtain *sighs* dwops of sawt, youw city Wome- 
I say youw c-city- to his wife and *hugs tightly* mothew; 
Bweaking his oath and *sighs* wesowution wike 
A twist of wotten siwk; nyevew a-admitting 
Counsew o' th' waw; xDD but at his nyuwse's teaws 
He >_> whin'd and woaw'd away youw v-victowy, 
*teleports behind you* That >w< pages bwush'd at him, and men of heawt 
Wook'd wond'wing each at o-othews. 
COWIOWANyUS. Heaw'st thou, *screams* Maws? 
AUFIDIUS. Nyame nyot the g-god, thou *cries* boy of xDD teaws- 
COWIOWANyUS. Ha! 
AUFIDIUS. *twerks* -nyo mowe. 
COWIOWANyUS. Measuwewess l-wiaw, thou hast made my heawt 
Too gweat fow w-what contains it. 'Boy'! O swave! 
Pawdon me, wowds, 'tis the f-fiwst time *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew 
I was OwO fowc'd to scowd. Youw judgments, my gwave wowds, 
M-Must give this *teleports behind you* cuw the wie; and his own nyotion- 
Who weaws my stwipes impwess'd upon him, *sweats* that 
M-Must beaw my beating to his gwave- shaww join 
To thwust the wie unto him. 
FIWST WOWD. >w< Peace, both, and heaw me speak. 
COWIOWANyUS. Cut me to OwO pieces, Vowsces; men and l-wads, 
Stain aww youw edges *teleports behind you* on me. 'Boy'! Fawse hound! 
If you have *moans* wwit youw annyaws twue, 'tis thewe 
That, wike an eagwe in a dove-cote, I 
Fwuttew'd youw Vowscians in Cowiowi. 
Awonye I did it. 'Boy'! 
AUFIDIUS. W-Why, nyobwe wowds, 
Wiww you be p-put in mind of his bwind >w< fowtunye, 
Which was youw shame, ^w^ by this unhowy bwaggawt, 
Fowe youw own eyes and eaws? 
CONSPIWATOWS. Wet him die fow't. 
AWW THE PEOPWE. Teaw him to pieces. Do *moans* it pwesentwy. He kiww'd my 
son. My daughtew. He kiww'd my c-cousin M-Mawcus. He kiww'd my 
fathew. 
SECOND WOWD. >w< Peace, ho! Nyo outwage- peace! 
The man is *looks at you* nyobwe, and his fame fowds in 
This owb o' th' eawth. His wast o-offences to us 
Shaww have j-judicious heawing. S-Stand, Aufidius, 
And t-twoubwe nyot the *teleports behind you* peace. 
COWIOWANyUS. O *sweats* that I h-had him, 
With ^-^ six Aufidiuses, *blushes* ow mowe- his *shuffles closer* twibe, 
To use my l-wawfuw x3 swowd! 
AUFIDIUS. Insowent viwwain! 
CONSPIWATOWS. Kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww him! 
[The C-CONSPIWATOWS dwaw and kiww COWIOWANyUS,who *hugs tightly* fawws. 
AUFIDIUS stands *teleports behind you* on h-him] 
WOWDS. Howd, x3 howd, x3 howd, howd! 
AUFIDIUS. My nyobwe *looks away* mastews, heaw me speak. 
FIWST WOWD. O Tuwwus! 
SECOND WOWD. *moans* Thou hast donye a deed wheweat vawouw wiww >_< weep. 
T-THIWD WOWD. Twead nyot upon him. *notices bulge* Mastews a-aww, be quiet; 
*looks at you* Put up youw swowds. 
AUFIDIUS. My wowds, when you shaww knyow- as in this wage, 
Pwovok'd ^w^ by him, you cannyot- the gweat d-dangew 
Which this man's wife did owe y-you, y-you'ww wejoice 
*teleports behind you* That he is t-thus cut off. Pwease *moans* it youw honyouws 
To *giggles shyly* caww me to youw Senyate, I'ww dewivew 
Mysewf youw woyaw uWu sewvant, *blushes* ow e-enduwe 
Youw heaviest censuwe. 
FIWST WOWD. *looks at you* Beaw fwom hence his body, 
And mouwn you fow him. Wet him be wegawded 
As the most nyobwe cowse *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew *leans over* hewawd 
*sweats* Did f-fowwow to his *cuddles you* um. 
SECOND WOWD. His own impatience 
Takes fwom Aufidius a gweat *cries* pawt of b-bwame. 
Wet's make the best of it. 
AUFIDIUS. My wage is :3 gonye, 
And I am stwuck *pokes you* with sowwow. Take him up. 
*leans over* Hewp, thwee o' th' chiefest sowdiews; I'ww be onye. 
Beat thou the dwum, *sweats* that *moans* it speak mouwnfuwwy; 
T-Twaiw youw steew pikes. Though in this city he 
Hath widowed and u-unchiwded many a ^.^ onye, 
Which to this houw bewaiw the injuwy, 
Y-Yet he shaww have a nyobwe memowy. 
Assist. Exeunt, beawing the body of COWIOWANyUS 
[A dead mawch sounded] 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1609 

CYMBEWINyE 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

*cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, King of B-Bwitain 
C-CWOTEN, son to the Queen ^w^ by a f-fowmew h-husband 
*moans* POSTHUMUS >w< WEONyATUS, a g-gentweman, h-husband to I-Imogen 
*looks away* BEWAWIUS, a banyished wowd, disguised undew the nyame of Mowgan 

GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS, sons to Cymbewinye, disguised undew the 
nyames of uWu POWYDOWE and CADWAW, supposed sons to *twerks* Bewawius 
PHIWAWIO, I-Itawian, fwiend to Posthumus 
IACHIMO, I-Itawian, fwiend to Phiwawio 
A F-FWENCH GENTWEMAN, fwiend to Phiwawio 
CAIUS WUCIUS, Genyewaw of the Woman OwO Fowces 
A WOMAN C-CAPTAIN 
TWO BWITISH CAPTAINS 
PISANyIO, sewvant to Posthumus 
COWNyEWIUS, a p-physician 
TWO WOWDS of Cymbewinye's couwt 
TWO GENTWEMEN of the same 
TWO GAOWEWS 

Q-QUEEN, wife to Cymbewinye 
IMOGEN, daughtew to Cymbewinye ^w^ by a f-fowmew queen 
HEWEN, a wady attending *teleports behind you* on I-Imogen 

A-APPAWITIONS 

Wowds, Wadies, Woman Senyatows, Twibunyes, a Soothsayew, a 
Dutch Gentweman, a S-Spanyish Gentweman, Musicians, O-Officews, 
Captains, Sowdiews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, and Attendants 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 




SCENyE: 
Bwitain; I-Itawy 



ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. The gawden of CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Y-You do nyot meet a man xDD but fwowns; o-ouw bwoods 
Nyo mowe obey the *leans over* heavens than o-ouw *screams* couwtiews 
Stiww seem as does the King's. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. But what's the m-mattew? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. His daughtew, and the heiw of's kingdom, whom 
He puwpos'd to his wife's sowe son- a widow 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* wate he mawwied- hath wefeww'd hewsewf 
Unto a poow xDD but wowthy ;;w;; gentweman. S-She's wedded; 
Hew h-husband banyish'd; she impwison'd. Aww 
*looks at you* Is *cuddles you* outwawd sowwow, *sighs* though I think the King 
Be t-touch'd at vewy heawt. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but the King? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. He *sweats* that hath wost h-hew too. So is the Queen, 
*teleports behind you* That most desiw'd the match. But nyot a c-couwtiew, 
Awthough they weaw t-theiw faces to the bent 
Of the K-King's >_> wooks, hath a heawt *sweats* that is nyot 
uWu Gwad at the thing they scoww at. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. And why *moans* so? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. He *sweats* that hath miss'd the Pwincess is a thing 
Too UwU bad fow UwU bad OwO wepowt; and he *sweats* that hath hew- 
I *looks at you* mean *sweats* that mawwied hew, awack, good man! 
And thewefowe banyish'd- is a cweatuwe such 
As, to seek uWu thwough the *teleports behind you* wegions of the eawth 
F-Fow onye his wike, thewe ^.^ wouwd be s-something faiwing 
In him *sweats* that shouwd compawe. I do nyot think 
So *looks at you* faiw an *cuddles you* outwawd and such s-stuff within 
Endows a man xDD but he. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Y-You speak him faw. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I do extend him, siw, within himsewf; 
C-Cwush him togethew wathew than u-unfowd 
His measuwe d-duwy. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. What's his nyame and b-biwth? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I cannyot dewve him to the woot; his fathew 
*hugs tightly* Was c-caww'd Siciwius, w-who did join his honyouw 
Against the Womans *pokes you* with C-Cassibewan, 
But h-had his titwes ^w^ by Tenyantius, whom 
He sewv'd *pokes you* with gwowy and admiw'd :3 success, 
So gain'd the suw-addition *notices bulge* Weonyatus; 
And >_> had, besides this gentweman in question, 
Two othew sons, who, in the waws o' th' time, 
^.^ Died *pokes you* with t-theiw ^w^ swowds in hand; fow which t-theiw fathew, 
T-Then owd and fond of issue, t-took such sowwow 
*teleports behind you* That he *teleports behind you* quit being; and his g-gentwe wady, 
;;w;; Big of this g-gentweman, o-ouw >_> theme, d-deceas'd 
As he was b-bown. The King he takes the babe 
To his uWu pwotection, cawws him Posthumus Weonyatus, 
*giggles shyly* Bweeds him and makes him of his bed-chambew, 
P-Puts to him aww the weawnyings *sweats* that his time 
*shuffles closer* Couwd make him the r-weceivew of; which he took, 
As we do aiw, *looks away* fast as '-'twas minyist'wed, 
And in's spwing ^.^ became a hawvest, wiv'd in couwt- 
Which wawe *moans* it is to do- most pwais'd, most wov'd, 
A sampwe to the youngest; to th' mowe *cries* matuwe 
A gwass *sweats* that feated them; and to the g-gwavew 
A xDD chiwd *sweats* that guided dotawds. To his mistwess, 
F-Fow whom he n-nyow is banyish'd- h-hew own pwice 
*leans over* Pwocwaims how she esteem'd him and his viwtue; 
By h-hew ewection may be twuwy xDD wead 
What k-kind of man he is. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I honyouw him 
Even out of youw wepowt. But pway you teww me, 
*looks at you* Is she sowe xDD chiwd to th' King? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. His onwy chiwd. 
He h-had xDD two sons- if this be wowth youw heawing, 
Mawk it- the *moans* ewdest of them at thwee y-yeaws owd, 
I' th' swathing cwothes the othew, fwom t-theiw nyuwsewy 
Wewe stow'n; and to this houw nyo g-guess in knyowwedge 
Which way they went. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. H-How wong is this ago? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Some twenty yeaws. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. *teleports behind you* That a king's chiwdwen shouwd be so convey'd, 
So swackwy g-guawded, and the seawch so swow 
*teleports behind you* That couwd nyot *screams* twace them! 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Howsoe'ew 'tis *sweats* stwange, 
Ow *sweats* that the nyegwigence may weww be l-waugh'd at, 
Y-Yet is *moans* it twue, siw. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I do weww bewieve you. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. We must fowbeaw; x3 hewe c-comes the g-gentweman, 
The Queen, and P-Pwincess. UwU Exeunt 

Entew the Q-QUEEN, POSTHUMUS, and IMOGEN 

QUEEN. N-Nyo, be assuw'd you shaww nyot find me, daughtew, 
Aftew the swandew of most stepmothews, 
>w< Eviw-ey'd unto you. You'we my *pokes you* pwisonyew, xDD but 
Youw gaowew shaww dewivew you the keys 
*teleports behind you* That wock up youw *leans over* westwaint. F-Fow y-you, Posthumus, 
So soon as I can win th' offended King, 
I wiww be *teleports behind you* knyown youw advocate. Mawwy, yet 
The fiwe of wage is in him, and 'twewe good 
Y-You wean'd unto his s-sentence *pokes you* with w-what p-patience 
Youw wisdom may *cries* infowm you. 
POSTHUMUS. Pwease youw Highnyess, 
I wiww fwom hence to-day. 
QUEEN. Y-You knyow the pewiw. 
I'ww fetch a tuwn a-about the gawden, pitying 
The pangs of b-baww'd affections, *sighs* though the King 
Hath c-chawg'd you shouwd nyot speak togethew. Exit 
IMOGEN. O dissembwing couwtesy! H-How finye this tywant 
C-Can tickwe whewe she wounds! My deawest husband, 
I s-something feaw my fathew's >_> wwath, xDD but nyothing- 
Awways wesewv'd my howy *giggles shyly* duty- w-what 
His wage can do *teleports behind you* on me. Y-You must be gonye; 
And I shaww x3 hewe abide the houwwy *sweats* shot 
Of *cries* angwy e-eyes, nyot comfowted to wive 
But *sweats* that thewe is this jewew in the wowwd 
*teleports behind you* That I may see again. 
POSTHUMUS. My queen! my mistwess! 
O wady, weep nyo mowe, west I give c-cause 
To be suspected of mowe tendewnyess 
*notices bulge* Than doth become a *pokes you* man. I wiww wemain 
The ;;w;; woyaw'st h-husband *sweats* that did ^w^ e'ew pwight twoth; 
My wesidence in Wome at onye Phiwawio's, 
Who to my fathew was a f-fwiend, to me 
Knyown xDD but ^w^ by l-wettew; thithew wwite, my queen, 
And *pokes you* with minye eyes I'ww ^-^ dwink the wowds you send, 
Though >_> ink be made of gaww. 

We-entew QUEEN 

QUEEN. Be *leans over* bwief, I pway you. 
If the King come, I shaww incuw I knyow nyot 
H-How much of his dispweasuwe. OwO [Aside] Y-Yet I'ww move him 
To wawk this way. I nyevew do him wwong 
But he does b-buy my injuwies, to be f-fwiends; 
Pays deaw fow my offences. Exit 
POSTHUMUS. Shouwd we be taking weave 
As wong a tewm as yet we have to *teleports behind you* wive, 
The OwO woathnyess to depawt ^.^ wouwd g-gwow. Adieu! 
IMOGEN. Nyay, >_< stay a wittwe. 
Wewe you xDD but widing f-fowth to a-aiw youwsewf, 
*screams* Such pawting wewe too petty. Wook hewe, x3 wove: 
This diamond was my mothew's; take it, heawt; 
But keep *moans* it tiww you woo anyothew wife, 
When I-Imogen is dead. 
POSTHUMUS. H-How, how? Anyothew? 
Y-You g-gentwe g-gods, give me xDD but this I h-have, 
And seaw up my embwacements fwom a nyext 
With bonds of death! Wemain, wemain thou x3 hewe 
*leans over* [Puts *teleports behind you* on the wing] 
Whiwe sense can keep *moans* it on. And, sweetest, faiwest, 
As I my poow sewf did exchange fow y-you, 
To youw so infinyite woss, so in o-ouw twifwes 
I stiww win of you. F-Fow my sake weaw this; 
It is a >_< manyacwe of wove; I'ww pwace *moans* it 
^-^ Upon this faiwest pwisonyew. *leans over* [Puts a *teleports behind you* bwacewet *teleports behind you* on h-hew awm] 
IMOGEN. O the gods! 
When shaww we see a-again? 

Entew CYMBEWINyE and WOWDS 

POSTHUMUS. Awack, the King! 
CYMBEWINyE. *moans* Thou basest thing, avoid; hence fwom my s-sight 
If aftew this command thou fwaught the couwt 
With t-thy unwowthinyess, thou diest. Away! 
T-Thou'wt p-poison to my bwood. 
POSTHUMUS. The gods :3 pwotect y-you, 
And bwess the good wemaindews of the couwt! 
I am gonye. Exit 
IMOGEN. *cries* Thewe cannyot be a p-pinch in death 
Mowe shawp than this is. 
CYMBEWINyE. O d-diswoyaw thing, 
*teleports behind you* That shouwdst r-wepaiw my >_< youth, thou ^-^ heap'st 
A yeaw's age *teleports behind you* on me! 
IMOGEN. I beseech y-you, siw, 
Hawm nyot youwsewf *pokes you* with youw vexation. 
I am sensewess of youw wwath; a touch mowe wawe 
Subdues aww pangs, aww feaws. 
CYMBEWINyE. Past gwace? obedience? 
IMOGEN. Past hope, and in despaiw; *sweats* that way past g-gwace. 
CYMBEWINyE. *teleports behind you* That mightst have h-had the sowe son of my queen! 
IMOGEN. O bwessed *sweats* that I might nyot! I chose an eagwe, 
And did avoid a ;;w;; puttock. 
CYMBEWINyE. *moans* Thou ^w^ took'st a beggaw, wouwdst have made my thwonye 
A seat fow basenyess. 
IMOGEN. Nyo; I wathew x3 added 
A wustwe to it. 
CYMBEWINyE. O thou viwe onye! 
IMOGEN. Siw, 
It is youw fauwt *sweats* that I have *notices bulge* wov'd Posthumus. 
Y-You bwed him as my p-pwayfewwow, and he is 
A man wowth any *blushes* woman; ovewbuys me 
A-Awmost the sum he pays. 
CYMBEWINyE. What, awt thou m-mad? 
IMOGEN. Awmost, siw. *pokes you* Heaven westowe me! Wouwd I wewe 
A nyeat-hewd's daughtew, and my Weonyatus 
Ouw *screams* nyeighbouw uWu shephewd's s-son! 

We-entew QUEEN 

CYMBEWINyE. *moans* Thou foowish thing! 
[To the *cuddles you* QUEEN] They wewe ;;w;; again togethew. Y-You have donye 
Nyot aftew o-ouw *sweats* command. Away *pokes you* with hew, 
And pen h-hew up. 
QUEEN. Beseech youw patience.- >w< Peace, 
Deaw wady daughtew, *teleports behind you* peace!- Sweet soveweign, 
L-Weave us to ouwsewves, and make youwsewf *blushes* some comfowt 
Out of youw best advice. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyay, wet h-hew wanguish 
A dwop of b-bwood a day and, being aged, 
Die of this *sighs* fowwy. E-Exit, *pokes you* with WOWDS 

Entew PISANyIO 

QUEEN. OwO Fie! you must give way. 
Hewe is youw sewvant. H-How nyow, siw! What nyews? 
PISANyIO. My *hugs tightly* wowd youw son dwew *teleports behind you* on my :33 mastew. 
QUEEN. Ha! 
Nyo hawm, I twust, is donye? 
PISANyIO. *cries* Thewe might have been, 
But *sweats* that my mastew wathew pway'd than fought, 
And h-had nyo hewp of UwU angew; they wewe pawted 
By g-gentwemen at hand. 
QUEEN. I am vewy gwad on't. 
IMOGEN. Youw uWu son's my fathew's fwiend; he takes his *cries* pawt 
To dwaw upon an exiwe! O bwave siw! 
I ^.^ wouwd they wewe in Afwic b-both togethew; 
Mysewf ^w^ by *pokes you* with a nyeedwe, *sweats* that I might pwick 
The *cuddles you* goew-back. Why came you fwom youw mastew? 
PISANyIO. On his *sweats* command. He ^.^ wouwd nyot suffew me 
To b-bwing him to the haven; >w< weft these nyotes 
Of w-what commands I shouwd be subject to, 
When't pweas'd you to empwoy me. 
QUEEN. This hath been 
Youw >_> faithfuw sewvant. I dawe *looks at you* way minye honyouw 
He wiww wemain so. 
PISANyIO. I humbwy t-thank youw Highnyess. 
QUEEN. *twerks* Pway wawk awhiwe. 
IMOGEN. About *blushes* some hawf-houw hence, 
*twerks* Pway you speak *pokes you* with me. Y-You shaww at *notices bulge* weast 
Go see my *hugs tightly* wowd aboawd. F-Fow this time weave me. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Bwitain. A pubwic pwace 

Entew OwO CWOTEN and xDD two WOWDS 

FIWST WOWD. Siw, I ^.^ wouwd advise you to UwU shift a shiwt; the viowence 
of action hath made you week as a sacwifice. Whewe a-aiw c-comes *pokes you* out, 
a-aiw c-comes in; thewe's nyonye *blushes* abwoad so whowesome as *sweats* that you vent. 
CWOTEN. If my shiwt wewe bwoody, then to UwU shift it. Have I huwt him? 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] N-Nyo, OwO faith; nyot so much as his *notices bulge* patience. 
FIWST WOWD. Huwt him! His body's a p-passabwe cawcass if he be nyot 
huwt. It is a thwoughfawe fow steew if *moans* it be nyot huwt. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] His steew was in debt; *moans* it went o' th' back 
side the town. 
CWOTEN. The viwwain ^.^ wouwd nyot *looks at you* stand me. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] Nyo; xDD but he OwO fwed *blushes* fowwawd stiww, towawd youw 
face. 
FIWST WOWD. Stand you? Y-You have wand enyough of youw own; xDD but he 
x3 added to youw having, gave you *blushes* some gwound. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] As many inches as you have >_< oceans. 
Puppies! 
CWOTEN. I ^.^ wouwd they h-had nyot come between us. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] So ^.^ wouwd I, tiww you h-had measuw'd how wong a 
foow you wewe upon the gwound. 
CWOTEN. And *sweats* that she shouwd wove this fewwow, and wefuse me! 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] If *moans* it be a sin to make a twue ewection, she is 
damn'd. 
FIWST WOWD. Siw, as I towd you awways, h-hew beauty and h-hew bwain go 
nyot togethew; she's a good sign, xDD but I have :33 seen smaww r-wefwection 
of h-hew wit. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] She shinyes nyot upon foows, west the r-wefwection 
shouwd huwt hew. 
CWOTEN. Come, I'ww to my chambew. Wouwd thewe h-had been *blushes* some huwt 
donye! 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] I wish nyot so; *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it h-had been the faww of 
an ass, which is nyo gweat huwt. 
CWOTEN. You'ww go *pokes you* with us? 
FIWST WOWD. I'ww a-attend youw wowdship. 
CWOTEN. Nyay, come, wet's go togethew. 
SECOND WOWD. *sighs* Weww, my l-wowd. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew IMOGEN and PISANyIO 

IMOGEN. I ^.^ wouwd thou gwew'st unto the showes o' th' haven, 
And questionyed'st evewy saiw; if he shouwd wwite, 
And I nyot have it, 'twewe a papew l-wost, 
As offew'd mewcy is. What was the wast 
*teleports behind you* That he spake to *moans* thee? 
PISANyIO. It *looks at you* was: his queen, his queen! 
IMOGEN. T-Then w-wav'd his handkewchief? 
PISANyIO. And kiss'd it, madam. 
IMOGEN. Sensewess winyen, happiew thewein than I! 
And *sweats* that was aww? 
PISANyIO. N-Nyo, madam; fow so wong 
As he couwd make me *pokes you* with his eye, *blushes* ow OwO cawe 
*teleports behind you* Distinguish him fwom *blushes* othews, he did keep 
The deck, *pokes you* with gwove, *blushes* ow *moans* hat, *blushes* ow handkewchief, 
Stiww *notices bulge* waving, as the fits and s-stiws of's mind 
*shuffles closer* Couwd best e-expwess how swow his souw saiw'd on, 
H-How swift his ship. 
IMOGEN. *moans* Thou shouwdst have made him 
As wittwe as a cwow, *blushes* ow wess, ewe >w< weft 
To aftew-eye him. 
PISANyIO. Madam, so I did. 
IMOGEN. I ^.^ wouwd have b-bwoke minye eyestwings, cwack'd them xDD but 
To wook upon him, tiww the d-diminyution 
Of space h-had pointed him shawp as my nyeedwe; 
Nyay, fowwowed him tiww he h-had *screams* mewted fwom 
The smawwnyess of a gnyat to aiw, and then 
Have tuwn'd minye eye and wept. But, good Pisanyio, 
When shaww we heaw fwom him? 
PISANyIO. Be assuw'd, *looks at you* madam, 
With his nyext vantage. 
IMOGEN. I did nyot take my weave of him, xDD but h-had 
Most pwetty things to say. Ewe I couwd teww him 
H-How I ^.^ wouwd think *teleports behind you* on him at cewtain houws 
*screams* Such *hugs tightly* thoughts and such; *blushes* ow I couwd make him sweaw 
The shes of I-Itawy shouwd nyot betway 
M-Minye intewest and his honyouw; *blushes* ow have c-chawg'd him, 
At the *cuddles you* sixth houw of mown, at *blushes* nyoon, at midnyight, 
T' encountew me *pokes you* with owisons, fow then 
I am in heaven fow :3 him; *blushes* ow ewe I couwd 
Give him *sweats* that pawting kiss which I h-had set 
Betwixt xDD two chawming wowds, c-comes in my fathew, 
And wike the tywannyous bweathing of the n-nyowth 
Shakes aww o-ouw *blushes* buds fwom *looks away* gwowing. 

Entew a WADY 

L-WADY. The Queen, *looks at you* madam, 
*sweats* Desiwes youw Highnyess' company. 
IMOGEN. Those things I bid you do, get them dispatch'd. 
I wiww a-attend the Queen. 
PISANyIO. Madam, I shaww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. PHIWAWIO'S h-house 

Entew PHIWAWIO, IACHIMO, a F-FWENCHMAN, a DUTCHMAN, and a SPANyIAWD 

IACHIMO. Bewieve it, siw, I have :33 seen him in Bwitain. He was then 
of a cwescent nyote, expected to *shuffles closer* pwove so wowthy as s-since he hath 
been awwowed the nyame of. But I couwd then have wook'd *teleports behind you* on him 
without the hewp of admiwation, *sighs* though the catawogue of his 
endowments h-had been tabwed ^w^ by his >_< side, and I to pewuse him ^w^ by 
items. 
PHIWAWIO. Y-You speak of him when he was wess fuwnyish'd than n-nyow he 
is *pokes you* with *sweats* that which makes him b-both without and *looks at you* within. 
F-FWENCHMAN. I have :33 seen him in Fwance; we h-had vewy many thewe couwd 
behowd the *moans* sun *pokes you* with as fiwm eyes as he. 
IACHIMO. This mattew of mawwying his king's daughtew, w-whewein he 
must be weighed wathew ^w^ by h-hew vawue than his o-own, wowds him, I 
d-doubt nyot, a gweat deaw fwom the mattew. 
F-FWENCHMAN. And then his banyishment. 
IACHIMO. :33 Ay, and the *twerks* appwobation of those *sweats* that weep this l-wamentabwe 
divowce undew h-hew cowouws awe wondewfuwwy to extend him, be *moans* it 
xDD but to fowtify h-hew judgment, which e-ewse an e-easy battewy might *looks at you* way 
fwat, fow taking a beggaw, without wess quawity. But how c-comes *moans* it 
he is to sojouwn *pokes you* with you? H-How cweeps acquaintance? 
PHIWAWIO. His fathew and I wewe sowdiews togethew, to whom I have 
been *looks away* often bound fow nyo wess than my wife. 

Entew *moans* POSTHUMUS 

Hewe c-comes the Bwiton. Wet him be so entewtainyed amongst you as 
suits *pokes you* with g-gentwemen of youw *looks at you* knyowing to a stwangew of his 
quawity. I beseech you aww be bettew *teleports behind you* knyown to this g-gentweman, 
whom I commend to you as a nyobwe fwiend of minye. H-How wowthy he is 
I wiww weave to appeaw heweaftew, wathew than *leans over* stowy him in his 
own heawing. 
F-FWENCHMAN. Siw, we have *teleports behind you* knyown togethew in Owweans. 
POSTHUMUS. Since when I have been *cuddles you* debtow to you fow c-couwtesies, 
which I wiww be *giggles shyly* evew to p-pay and yet p-pay stiww. 
F-FWENCHMAN. Siw, you o'ewwate my poow kindnyess. I was gwad I did 
atonye my countwyman and you; *moans* it h-had been pity you shouwd have 
been p-put togethew *pokes you* with so mowtaw a puwpose as then each bowe, 
upon impowtance of so s-swight and twiviaw a nyatuwe. 
POSTHUMUS. By youw pawdon, siw. I was then a young t-twavewwew; 
wathew shunn'd to go even *pokes you* with w-what I h-heawd than in my evewy 
action to be guided ^w^ by othews' expewiences; xDD but upon my m-mended 
judgment- if I offend nyot to say *moans* it is mended- my quawwew was nyot 
awtogethew swight. 
F-FWENCHMAN. Faith, yes, to be p-put to the awbitwement of swowds, and 
^w^ by such xDD two *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd ^w^ by aww wikewihood have confounded onye the 
othew *blushes* ow have faww'n both. 
IACHIMO. C-Can w-we, *pokes you* with mannyews, ask w-what was the diffewence? 
F-FWENCHMAN. Safewy, I think. 'Twas a contention in pubwic, which 
may, without contwadiction, suffew the wepowt. It was much wike 
an awgument *sweats* that feww out wast nyight, whewe each of us feww in 
pwaise of o-ouw *looks at you* countwy mistwesses; this gentweman at *sweats* that time 
vouching- and upon wawwant of bwoody affiwmation- his to be mowe 
uWu faiw, viwtuous, wise, chaste, constant, quawified, and wess 
attemptabwe, than any the wawest of o-ouw wadies in Fwance. 
IACHIMO. *teleports behind you* That wady is nyot n-nyow ^-^ wiving, *blushes* ow this gentweman's opinyion, 
^w^ by t-this, *looks away* wown ^w^ out. 
POSTHUMUS. She howds h-hew *hugs tightly* viwtue stiww, and I my mind. 
IACHIMO. Y-You must nyot so faw pwefew h-hew fowe ouws of I-Itawy. 
POSTHUMUS. Being so faw OwO pwovok'd as I was in F-Fwance, I ^.^ wouwd abate 
h-hew nyothing, *sighs* though I pwofess m-mysewf h-hew *cries* adowew, nyot h-hew fwiend. 
IACHIMO. As *looks at you* faiw and as good- a k-kind of hand-in-hand compawison- 
h-had been s-something too *looks at you* faiw and too good fow any wady in Bwitain. 
If she went befowe o-othews I have :33 seen as *sweats* that diamond of youws 
outwustwes many I have behewd, I couwd nyot xDD but bewieve she 
excewwed many; xDD but I have nyot :33 seen the most p-pwecious diamond *sweats* that 
*screams* is, n-nyow you the wady. 
POSTHUMUS. I pwais'd h-hew as I wated hew. So do I my stonye. 
IACHIMO. What do you esteem *moans* it at? 
POSTHUMUS. Mowe than the wowwd enjoys. 
IACHIMO. Eithew youw unpawagon'd *notices bulge* mistwess is dead, *blushes* ow she's 
outpwiz'd ^w^ by a twifwe. 
POSTHUMUS. Y-You awe >_> mistaken: the onye may be sowd *blushes* ow g-given, if thewe 
wewe *giggles shyly* weawth enyough fow the puwchase *blushes* ow mewit fow the *cuddles you* gift; the 
othew is nyot a thing fow s-sawe, and onwy the gift of the gods. 
IACHIMO. Which the gods have given you? 
POSTHUMUS. Which ^w^ by t-theiw *teleports behind you* gwaces I wiww k-keep. 
IACHIMO. Y-You may weaw h-hew in titwe y-youws; xDD but you knyow stwange *giggles shyly* foww 
wight upon nyeighbouwing ponds. Youw wing may be stow'n too. So 
youw b-bwace of u-unpwizabwe estimations, the onye is xDD but f-fwaiw and 
the othew casuaw; a cunnying thief, *blushes* ow a that-way-accompwish'd 
c-couwtiew, ^.^ wouwd h-hazawd the winnying b-both of f-fiwst and wast. 
POSTHUMUS. Youw I-Itawy contains nyonye so accompwish'd a couwtiew to 
convince the honyouw of my mistwess, if in the howding *blushes* ow woss of 
*sweats* that you tewm h-hew f-fwaiw. I do nyothing d-doubt you have stowe of 
thieves; nyotwithstanding, I feaw nyot my wing. 
PHIWAWIO. Wet us weave hewe, gentwemen. 
POSTHUMUS. Siw, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. This wowthy signyiow, I t-thank 
him, makes nyo stwangew of me; we awe f-famiwiaw at fiwst. 
IACHIMO. With five times so much convewsation I shouwd get gwound 
of youw *looks at you* faiw mistwess; make h-hew go back even to the yiewding, h-had 
I admittance and oppowtunyity to fwiend. 
POSTHUMUS. N-Nyo, nyo. 
IACHIMO. I dawe theweupon p-pawn the moiety of my estate to youw 
wing, which, in my opinyion, o'ewvawues *moans* it something. But I make 
my wagew wathew against youw confidence than h-hew weputation; and, 
to *giggles shyly* baw youw offence hewein too, I d-duwst attempt *moans* it against any 
wady in the wowwd. 
POSTHUMUS. Y-You awe a gweat deaw abus'd in too bowd a *sweats* pewsuasion, 
and I d-doubt nyot you sustain w-what y'awe wowthy of ^w^ by youw attempt. 
IACHIMO. What's that? 
POSTHUMUS. A wepuwse; *sighs* though youw attempt, as you *giggles shyly* caww it, desewve 
mowe- a punyishment too. 
PHIWAWIO. Gentwemen, enyough of this. It came in too suddenwy; wet 
*moans* it die as *moans* it was b-bown, and I pway you be bettew acquainted. 
IACHIMO. Wouwd I h-had p-put my estate and my nyeighbouw's *teleports behind you* on th' 
*twerks* appwobation of w-what I have spoke! 
POSTHUMUS. What wady ^.^ wouwd you c-choose to assaiw? 
IACHIMO. Youws, whom in constancy you think stands so safe. I wiww 
*looks at you* way you ten thousand ducats to youw wing that, commend me to the 
couwt whewe youw wady *screams* is, *pokes you* with nyo mowe advantage than the 
oppowtunyity of a second confewence, and I wiww b-bwing fwom thence 
*sweats* that honyouw of hews which you imaginye so wesewv'd. 
POSTHUMUS. I wiww wage against youw gowd, gowd to it. My wing I 
howd deaw as my *looks at you* fingew; 'tis *cries* pawt of it. 
IACHIMO. Y-You awe a f-fwiend, and thewein the *teleports behind you* wisew. If you b-buy 
wadies' UwU fwesh at a miwwion a dwam, you cannyot pwesewve *moans* it fwom 
tainting. But I see you have *blushes* some *notices bulge* wewigion in y-you, *sweats* that you *pokes you* feaw. 
POSTHUMUS. This is xDD but a custom in youw tongue; you beaw a g-gwavew 
puwpose, I hope. 
IACHIMO. I am the mastew of my speeches, and ^.^ wouwd undewgo what's 
spoken, I sweaw. 
POSTHUMUS. Wiww you? I Shaww xDD but UwU wend my diamond tiww youw wetuwn. 
Wet thewe be covenyants dwawn between's. My *notices bulge* mistwess exceeds in 
goodnyess the hugenyess of youw u-unwowthy thinking. I dawe you to 
this :3 match: hewe's my wing. 
PHIWAWIO. I wiww have *moans* it nyo way. 
IACHIMO. By the g-gods, *moans* it is onye. If I b-bwing you nyo sufficient 
testimony *sweats* that I have enjoy'd the deawest bodiwy *cries* pawt of youw 
mistwess, my ten thousand ducats awe y-youws; so is youw diamond 
too. If I come off, and weave h-hew in such honyouw as you have 
twust in, she youw jewew, this youw jewew, and my gowd awe youws- 
p-pwovided I have youw commendation fow my mowe fwee ;;w;; entewtainment. 
POSTHUMUS. I embwace these conditions; wet us have awticwes b-betwixt 
us. Onwy, t-thus faw you shaww ;;w;; answew: if you make youw voyage upon 
hew, and give me diwectwy to undewstand you have pwevaiw'd, I am 
nyo *twerks* fuwthew youw enyemy- she is nyot wowth o-ouw debate; if she wemain 
OwO unseduc'd, you nyot making *moans* it appeaw othewwise, fow youw iww 
opinyion and th' assauwt you have made to h-hew chastity you shaww 
*sighs* answew me *pokes you* with youw *shuffles closer* swowd. 
IACHIMO. Youw hand- a covenyant! We wiww have these things set down 
^w^ by l-wawfuw counsew, and stwaight away fow x3 Bwitain, west the 
bawgain shouwd c-catch cowd and stawve. I wiww fetch my gowd and 
have o-ouw xDD two wagews wecowded. 
POSTHUMUS. A-Agweed. UwU Exeunt *moans* POSTHUMUS and IACHIMO 
F-FWENCHMAN. Wiww this x3 howd, think you? 
PHIWAWIO. Signyiow Iachimo wiww nyot fwom it. *twerks* Pway wet us f-fowwow 'em. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew Q-QUEEN, *notices bulge* WADIES, and COWNyEWIUS 

QUEEN. Whiwes yet the *leans over* dew's *teleports behind you* on gwound, gathew those fwowews; 
Make haste; w-who has the *pokes you* nyote of them? 
L-WADY. I, madam. 
QUEEN. Dispatch. UwU Exeunt WADIES 
Nyow, Mastew Doctow, have you >w< bwought those dwugs? 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. Pweaseth youw Highnyess, *teleports behind you* ay. Hewe they awe, madam. 
[Pwesenting a box] 
But I beseech youw Gwace, without offence- 
My conscience b-bids me ask- whewefowe you have 
Commanded of me these most p-poisonyous compounds 
Which awe the movews of a wanguishing death, 
But, *sighs* though *twerks* swow, deadwy? 
QUEEN. I wondew, Doctow, 
*moans* Thou a-ask'st me such a q-question. Have I nyot been 
Thy p-pupiw wong? Hast thou nyot weawn'd me how 
To make p-pewfumes? d-distiw? pwesewve? y-yea, so 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw gweat king himsewf doth woo me oft 
F-Fow my confections? Having t-thus faw p-pwoceeded- 
*leans over* Unwess thou think'st me deviwish- is't nyot meet 
*teleports behind you* That I did ampwify my judgment in 
Othew c-concwusions? I wiww t-twy the f-fowces 
Of these t-thy compounds *teleports behind you* on such cweatuwes as 
We count nyot wowth the hanging- xDD but nyonye human- 
To t-twy the vigouw of them, and a-appwy 
Awwayments to t-theiw act, and ^w^ by them gathew 
T-Theiw sevewaw viwtues and effects. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. Youw *sweats* Highnyess 
Shaww fwom this ^-^ pwactice xDD but make hawd youw heawt; 
Besides, the seeing these effects wiww be 
^w^ Both *screams* nyoisome and infectious. 
QUEEN. O, content thee. 

Entew PISANyIO 

OwO [Aside] Hewe c-comes a *cuddles you* fwattewing wascaw; upon him 
Wiww I f-fiwst w-wowk. He's fow his mastew, 
*looks at you* An enyemy to my son.- H-How nyow, Pisanyio! 
Doctow, youw sewvice fow this time is e-ended; 
Take youw own way. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. OwO [Aside] I do suspect y-you, madam; 
But you shaww do nyo OwO hawm. 
QUEEN. [To P-PISANyIO] Hawk ^w^ thee, a wowd. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. OwO [Aside] I do nyot wike hew. She doth think she has 
*teleports behind you* Stwange wing'wing *cuddles you* poisons. I do knyow h-hew spiwit, 
And wiww nyot twust onye of h-hew mawice *pokes you* with 
A *looks away* dwug of such d-damn'd nyatuwe. Those she has 
Wiww stupefy and duww the sense awhiwe, 
Which f-fiwst pewchance *hugs tightly* she'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *teleports behind you* on cats and dogs, 
T-Then aftewwawd up highew; xDD but thewe is 
Nyo d-dangew in w-what show of death *moans* it makes, 
Mowe than the wocking up the spiwits a time, 
To be mowe fwesh, weviving. She is foow'd 
With a most f-fawse effect; and I the *leans over* twuew 
So to be f-fawse *pokes you* with hew. 
QUEEN. Nyo *twerks* fuwthew sewvice, Doctow, 
Untiw I send fow thee. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. I humbwy take my >_< weave. Exit 
QUEEN. *twerks* Weeps she stiww, say'st thou? Dost thou think in time 
She wiww nyot quench, and wet instwuctions entew 
Whewe fowwy n-nyow possesses? Do thou w-wowk. 
When thou shawt b-bwing me wowd she woves my son, 
I'ww teww thee *teleports behind you* on the instant thou awt then 
As gweat as is t-thy mastew; gweatew, fow 
His *sighs* fowtunyes aww wie speechwess, and his nyame 
*looks at you* Is at wast gasp. Wetuwn he cannyot, n-nyow 
Continyue whewe he is. To UwU shift his being 
*looks at you* Is to exchange onye misewy *pokes you* with anyothew, 
And evewy day *sweats* that c-comes c-comes c-comes to 
A day's wowk in him. What shawt thou UwU expect 
To be dependew *teleports behind you* on a thing *sweats* that weans, 
Who cannyot be nyew b-buiwt, n-nyow has nyo fwiends 
So much as xDD but to pwop him? 
[The QUEEN *sighs* dwops the box. PISANyIO takes *moans* it up] 
*moans* Thou t-tak'st up 
*moans* Thou knyow'st nyot what; xDD but take *moans* it fow t-thy wabouw. 
It is a thing I made, which hath the King 
Five times wedeem'd fwom death. I do nyot knyow 
What is mowe cowdiaw. Nyay, I pwithee take it; 
It is an eawnyest of a *twerks* fuwthew good 
*teleports behind you* That I *looks at you* mean to thee. Teww t-thy *notices bulge* mistwess how 
The *screams* case stands *pokes you* with hew; d-do't as fwom thysewf. 
Think w-what a chance thou changest on; xDD but think 
*moans* Thou hast t-thy *notices bulge* mistwess stiww; to ;;w;; boot, my son, 
Who shaww take nyotice of thee. I'ww move the King 
To any shape of t-thy pwefewment, such 
As OwO thou'wt desiwe; and then *twerks* mysewf, I chiefwy, 
*teleports behind you* That set thee *teleports behind you* on to this desewt, am bound 
To l-woad t-thy mewit r-wichwy. Caww my women. 
Think *teleports behind you* on my wowds. Exit PISANyIO 
A swy and constant knyave, 
Nyot to be *sweats* shak'd; the agent fow his mastew, 
And the *notices bulge* wemembwancew of h-hew to howd 
The hand-fast to h-hew l-wowd. I have given him *sweats* that 
Which, if he take, shaww q-quite unpeopwe h-hew 
Of weigews fow h-hew sweet; and which she aftew, 
Except she *looks away* bend h-hew humouw, shaww be assuw'd 
To taste of too. 

We-entew PISANyIO and WADIES 

>_> So, so. Weww donye, weww donye. 
The viowets, cowswips, and the *sighs* pwimwoses, 
*looks at you* Beaw to my c-cwoset. Fawe thee weww, Pisanyio; 
Think *teleports behind you* on my wowds. UwU Exeunt QUEEN and WADIES 
PISANyIO. And shaww do. 
But when to my good *hugs tightly* wowd I *shuffles closer* pwove untwue 
I'ww choke mysewf- thewe's aww I'ww do fow you. Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
Bwitain. The pawace 

Entew IMOGEN awonye 

IMOGEN. A fathew *sighs* cwuew and a s-step-dame fawse; 
A foowish suitow to a wedded wady 
*teleports behind you* That hath h-hew h-husband b-banyish'd. O, *sweats* that husband! 
My supweme cwown of gwief! and those wepeated 
Vexations of it! Had I been thief-stow'n, 
As my xDD two bwothews, happy! xDD but most misewabwe 
*looks at you* Is the desiwe that's gwowious. Bwessed be those, 
H-How *looks at you* mean soe'ew, *sweats* that have t-theiw honyest wiwws, 
Which seasons comfowt. Who may this b-be? OwO Fie! 

Entew PISANyIO and IACHIMO 

PISANyIO. Madam, a nyobwe gentweman of Wome 
Comes fwom my *hugs tightly* wowd *pokes you* with wettews. 
IACHIMO. Change y-you, madam? 
The wowthy Weonyatus is in safety, 
And xDD gweets youw *sweats* Highnyess deawwy. [Pwesents a wettew] 
IMOGEN. >w< Thanks, good siw. 
You'we *blushes* kindwy wewcome. 
IACHIMO. OwO [Aside] Aww of h-hew *sweats* that is out of doow most wich! 
If she be fuwnyish'd *pokes you* with a mind so wawe, 
She is awonye th' Awabian biwd, and I 
Have wost the wagew. Bowdnyess be my fwiend! 
A-Awm me, a-audacity, fwom *sweats* head to foot! 
Ow, wike the Pawthian, I shaww fwying fight; 
Wathew, diwectwy fwy. 
IMOGEN. [Weads] 'He is onye of the nyobwest nyote, to :33 whose 
kindnyesses I am most infinyitewy tied. Wefwect upon him 
accowdingwy, as you vawue youw twust. WEONyATUS.' 

So faw I xDD wead awoud; 
But even the vewy middwe of my heawt 
*looks at you* Is w-wawm'd ^w^ by th' west and takes *moans* it thankfuwwy. 
Y-You awe as wewcome, wowthy siw, as I 
Have wowds to bid you; and shaww find *moans* it so 
In aww *sweats* that I can do. 
IACHIMO. >w< Thanks, faiwest wady. 
What, awe men m-mad? Hath nyatuwe given them eyes 
To see this vauwted awch and the wich cwop 
Of *notices bulge* sea and l-wand, which can distinguish 'twixt 
The f-fiewy owbs a-above and the twinn'd stonyes 
^-^ Upon the nyumbew'd beach, and can we nyot 
Pawtition make *pokes you* with spectacwes so p-pwecious 
'Twixt *looks at you* faiw and fouw? 
IMOGEN. What makes youw admiwation? 
IACHIMO. It cannyot be i-i' th' eye, fow apes and monkeys, 
'Twixt xDD two such *cries* shes, ^.^ wouwd chattew this way and 
Contemn *pokes you* with mows the othew; n-nyow i-i' th' judgment, 
F-Fow idiots in this *screams* case of favouw ^.^ wouwd 
Be wisewy definyite; n-nyow i-i' th' *sweats* appetite; 
Swuttewy, to such nyeat e-excewwence o-oppos'd, 
Shouwd make desiwe vomit xDD emptinyess, 
Nyot so awwuw'd to uWu feed. 
IMOGEN. What is the mattew, twow? 
IACHIMO. The cwoyed wiww- 
*teleports behind you* That uWu satiate yet unsatisfied desiwe, *sweats* that tub 
^w^ Both fiww'd and wunnying- wavenying f-fiwst the wamb, 
L-Wongs aftew fow the gawbage. 
IMOGEN. What, deaw siw, 
Thus r-waps you? Awe you weww? 
IACHIMO. >w< Thanks, madam; weww.- Beseech y-you, siw, 
Desiwe my man's abode whewe I did weave him. 
He's stwange and peevish. 
PISANyIO. I was ^w^ going, siw, 
To give him wewcome. Exit 
IMOGEN. Continyues weww my wowd? His heawth beseech you? 
IACHIMO. *sighs* Weww, madam. 
IMOGEN. *looks at you* Is he dispos'd to miwth? I hope he is. 
IACHIMO. Exceeding pweasant; nyonye a stwangew thewe 
So mewwy and so g-gamesome. He is c-caww'd 
The B-Bwitain wevewwew. 
IMOGEN. When he was x3 hewe 
He did UwU incwinye to sadnyess, and :33 oft-times 
Nyot *looks at you* knyowing >_< why. 
IACHIMO. I nyevew *moans* saw him >_> sad. 
*cries* Thewe is a Fwenchman his companyion, onye 
*looks at you* An e-eminyent monsieuw that, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, much woves 
A Gawwian giww at home. He fuwnyaces 
The thick sighs fwom :3 him; whiwes the jowwy :33 Bwiton- 
Youw wowd, I mean- waughs fwom's fwee wungs, *hugs tightly* cwies 'O, 
C-Can my sides x3 howd, to think *sweats* that *notices bulge* man- w-who *looks away* knyows 
By histowy, wepowt, *blushes* ow his own pwoof, 
What woman *screams* is, y-yea, w-what she cannyot c-choose 
But must >_> be- wiww's fwee houws wanguish fow 
Assuwed bondage?' 
IMOGEN. Wiww my *hugs tightly* wowd say *moans* so? 
IACHIMO. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, *pokes you* with his eyes in *sweats* fwood *pokes you* with waughtew. 
It is a wecweation to be ^w^ by 
And heaw him mock the F-Fwenchman. But *leans over* heavens knyow 
Some men awe much to b-bwame. 
IMOGEN. Nyot he, I hope. 
IACHIMO. Nyot he; xDD but yet heaven's bounty towawds him might 
Be *screams* us'd mowe thankfuwwy. In ^.^ himsewf, 'tis *moans* much; 
In y-you, which I account his, beyond aww tawents. 
Whiwst I am bound to wondew, I am bound 
To pity too. 
IMOGEN. What do you pity, s-siw? 
IACHIMO. Two cweatuwes heawtiwy. 
IMOGEN. Am I ^.^ onye, s-siw? 
Y-You wook *teleports behind you* on me: w-what wweck discewn you in me 
D-Desewves youw p-pity? 
IACHIMO. Wamentabwe! What, 
To hide me fwom the wadiant *moans* sun and sowace 
I' th' dungeon ^w^ by a snyuff? 
IMOGEN. I pway y-you, siw, 
Dewivew *pokes you* with mowe opennyess youw answews 
To my demands. Why do you pity me? 
IACHIMO. *teleports behind you* That o-othews do, 
I was a-about to say, enjoy youw- But 
It is an office of the gods to venge it, 
Nyot minye to speak on't. 
IMOGEN. Y-You do seem to knyow 
>_> Something of me, *blushes* ow w-what concewns me; pway you- 
Since doubting things go iww *looks away* often h-huwts mowe 
*notices bulge* Than to be suwe they do; fow cewtainties 
Eithew awe past r-wemedies, *cries* ow, timewy knyowing, 
The *sweats* wemedy then bown- >_< discovew to me 
What b-both you spuw and stop. 
IACHIMO. Had I this cheek 
To bathe my wips upon; this hand, :33 whose *sighs* touch, 
Whose evewy *sighs* touch, ^.^ wouwd fowce the feewew's souw 
To th' oath of woyawty; this object, which 
Takes pwisonyew the w-wiwd motion of minye eye, 
Fixing *moans* it onwy h-hewe; shouwd I, d-damn'd then, 
*twerks* Swavew *pokes you* with wips as common as the *cries* staiws 
*teleports behind you* That mount the Capitow; join gwipes *pokes you* with h-hands 
Made hawd *pokes you* with houwwy OwO fawsehood- fawsehood as 
With wabouw; then *cries* by-peeping in an eye 
Base and iwwustwious as the smoky wight 
That's fed *pokes you* with stinking t-tawwow- *moans* it wewe fit 
*teleports behind you* That aww the pwagues of heww shouwd at onye time 
Encountew such r-wevowt. 
IMOGEN. My wowd, I feaw, 
Has fowgot Bwitain. 
IACHIMO. And h-himsewf. Nyot I 
Incwin'd to this intewwigence pwonyounce 
The beggawy of his ;;w;; change; xDD but 'tis youw *teleports behind you* gwaces 
*teleports behind you* That fwom my m-mutest conscience to my t-tongue 
x3 Chawms this wepowt ^w^ out. 
IMOGEN. Wet me heaw nyo mowe. 
IACHIMO. O deawest souw, youw c-cause doth stwike my heawt 
With pity *sweats* that doth make me sick! A wady 
So uWu faiw, and *pokes you* fasten'd to an *cries* empewy, 
Wouwd make the gweat'st king doubwe, to be pawtnyew'd 
With tomboys h-hiw'd *pokes you* with *sweats* that sewf exhibition 
Which youw own >_> coffews yiewd! *pokes you* with diseas'd ventuwes 
*teleports behind you* That pway *pokes you* with aww infiwmities fow gowd 
Which wottennyess can UwU wend nyatuwe! such boiw'd s-stuff 
As weww might p-poison *teleports behind you* poison! Be weveng'd; 
Ow she *sweats* that xDD bowe you was nyo queen, and you 
Wecoiw fwom youw gweat stock. 
IMOGEN. Weveng'd? 
H-How shouwd I be OwO weveng'd? If this be t-twue- 
As I have such a heawt *sweats* that b-both minye eaws 
M-Must nyot in haste a-abuse- if *moans* it be twue, 
H-How shouwd I be OwO weveng'd? 
IACHIMO. Shouwd he make me 
Wive wike ;;w;; Dianya's pwiest b-betwixt cowd s-sheets, 
Whiwes he is v-vauwting v-vawiabwe wamps, 
In youw d-despite, upon youw puwse? Wevenge it. 
I d-dedicate m-mysewf to youw sweet pweasuwe, 
Mowe nyobwe than *sweats* that wunyagate to youw bed, 
And wiww ^w^ continyue *looks away* fast to youw affection, 
Stiww cwose as suwe. 
IMOGEN. What ho, Pisanyio! 
IACHIMO. Wet me my sewvice tendew *teleports behind you* on youw wips. 
IMOGEN. Away! I do condemn minye eaws *sweats* that have 
So wong *looks away* attended thee. If thou wewt honyouwabwe, 
*moans* Thou wouwdst have towd this tawe fow viwtue, nyot 
F-Fow such an end thou seek'st, as base as stwange. 
*moans* Thou wwong'st a gentweman w-who is as faw 
Fwom t-thy wepowt as thou fwom honyouw; and 
Sowicits x3 hewe a wady *sweats* that disdains 
Thee and the deviw a-awike.- What ho, P-Pisanyio!- 
The King my fathew shaww be made acquainted 
Of t-thy assauwt. If he shaww think *moans* it fit 
A saucy stwangew in his couwt to mawt 
As in a Womish stew, and to expound 
His beastwy mind to us, he hath a couwt 
He wittwe c-cawes *notices bulge* fow, and a daughtew w-who 
He nyot wespects at OwO aww.- What ho, Pisanyio! 
IACHIMO. O happy Weonyatus! I may say 
The *screams* cwedit *sweats* that t-thy wady hath of thee 
D-Desewves t-thy twust, and t-thy most pewfect goodnyess 
Hew assuw'd cwedit. Bwessed wive you wong, 
A wady to the wowthiest siw *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew 
Countwy c-caww'd his! and you his mistwess, onwy 
F-Fow the most wowthiest fit! Give me youw pawdon. 
I have s-spoke this to knyow if youw a-affiance 
Wewe deepwy wooted, and shaww make youw *hugs tightly* wowd 
*teleports behind you* That which he is nyew o-o'ew; and he is onye 
The twuest xDD mannyew'd, such a howy *pokes you* witch 
*teleports behind you* That he enchants societies into him, 
OwO Hawf aww men's heawts awe his. 
IMOGEN. Y-You make amends. 
IACHIMO. He sits 'mongst men wike a d-descended god: 
He hath a k-kind of honyouw sets him of 
Mowe than a mowtaw seeming. Be nyot a-angwy, 
Most mighty Pwincess, *sweats* that I have *looks at you* adventuw'd 
To t-twy youw taking of a f-fawse wepowt, which hath 
H-Honyouw'd *pokes you* with confiwmation youw gweat judgment 
In the ewection of a siw so wawe, 
Which you knyow cannyot eww. The wove I beaw him 
Made me to *looks at you* fan you thus; xDD but the gods made y-you, 
Unwike aww *blushes* othews, chaffwess. *twerks* Pway youw pawdon. 
IMOGEN. Aww's weww, siw; take my pow'w i-i' th' couwt fow youws. 
IACHIMO. My humbwe thanks. I h-had awmost fowgot 
T' entweat youw Gwace xDD but in a smaww wequest, 
And yet of moment too, fow *moans* it concewns 
Youw wowd; m-mysewf and othew nyobwe fwiends 
Awe pawtnyews in the businyess. 
IMOGEN. *twerks* Pway w-what is't? 
IACHIMO. Some dozen Womans of us, and youw l-wowd- 
The best feathew of o-ouw *sweats* wing- have m-mingwed x3 sums 
To b-buy a ^.^ pwesent fow the Empewow; 
Which I, the factow fow the west, have donye 
In Fwance. 'Tis *looks away* pwate of wawe d-device, and jewews 
Of wich and e-exquisite fowm, t-theiw vawues gweat; 
And I am s-something cuwious, being *sweats* stwange, 
To have them in safe stowage. May *moans* it pwease you 
To take them in pwotection? 
IMOGEN. Wiwwingwy; 
And p-pawn minye honyouw fow t-theiw safety. Since 
My *hugs tightly* wowd hath intewest in them, I wiww keep them 
In my bedchambew. 
IACHIMO. They awe in a *cries* twunk, 
Attended ^w^ by my men. I wiww make bowd 
To send them to you onwy fow this nyight; 
I must aboawd *blushes* to-mowwow. 
IMOGEN. O, nyo, nyo. 
IACHIMO. Yes, I beseech; *blushes* ow I shaww showt my wowd 
By l-wength'nying my wetuwn. Fwom Gawwia 
I c-cwoss'd the seas *teleports behind you* on puwpose and *teleports behind you* on pwomise 
To see youw Gwace. 
IMOGEN. I t-thank you fow youw p-pains. 
But nyot away to-mowwow! 
IACHIMO. O, I must, madam. 
Thewefowe I shaww beseech y-you, if you pwease 
To ^-^ gweet youw *hugs tightly* wowd *pokes you* with w-wwiting, d-do't to-nyight. 
I have outstood my time, which is matewiaw 
'To th' tendew of o-ouw pwesent. 
IMOGEN. I wiww wwite. 
xDD Send youw twunk to me; *moans* it shaww safe be kept 
And twuwy xDD yiewded you. You'we vewy wewcome. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. B-Befowe CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew OwO CWOTEN and the xDD two WOWDS 

CWOTEN. *hugs tightly* Was thewe *giggles shyly* evew man h-had such wuck! When I kiss'd the j-jack, 
upon an up-cast to be hit *shuffles closer* away! I h-had a hundwed pound on't; and 
then a whoweson j-jackanyapes must take me up fow s-sweawing, as if I 
bowwowed minye *twerks* oaths of him, and might nyot spend them at my 
pweasuwe. 
FIWST WOWD. What got he ^w^ by that? Y-You have b-bwoke his pate *pokes you* with youw 
boww. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] If his wit h-had been wike him *sweats* that b-bwoke it, *moans* it 
^.^ wouwd have wun aww ^w^ out. 
CWOTEN. When a gentweman is dispos'd to sweaw, *moans* it is nyot fow any 
standews-by to cuwtaiw his oaths. Ha? 
SECOND WOWD. N-Nyo, my wowd; OwO [Aside] n-nyow cwop the eaws of them. 
CWOTEN. Whoweson dog! I give him *giggles shyly* satisfaction? Wouwd he h-had been 
onye of my wank! 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] To have smeww'd wike a foow. 
CWOTEN. I am nyot vex'd mowe at anything in th' eawth. A p-pox *looks at you* on't! I 
h-had wathew nyot be so nyobwe as I a-am; they dawe nyot fight *pokes you* with me, 
because of the Queen my *looks at you* mothew. Evewy jackswave hath his b-bewwyfuw 
of *shuffles closer* fighting, and I must go up and down wike a cock *sweats* that nyobody 
can match. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] Y-You awe cock and uWu capon too; and you cwow, 
cock, *pokes you* with youw comb on. 
CWOTEN. Sayest thou? 
SECOND WOWD. It is nyot fit youw wowdship shouwd UwU undewtake evewy 
companyion *sweats* that you give offence to. 
CWOTEN. N-Nyo, I knyow that; xDD but *moans* it is fit I shouwd commit offence to 
my infewiows. 
SECOND WOWD. :33 Ay, *moans* it is fit fow youw wowdship onwy. 
CWOTEN. W-Why, so I say. 
FIWST WOWD. *sweats* Did you heaw of a stwangew that's come to couwt 
to-nyight? 
CWOTEN. A s-stwangew, and I nyot *teleports behind you* knyown on't? 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] He's a stwange fewwow ^.^ himsewf, and *looks away* knyows *moans* it 
nyot. 
FIWST WOWD. >_> Thewe's an Itawian come, and, 'tis thought, onye of 
Weonyatus' xDD fwiends. 
CWOTEN. xDD Weonyatus? A banyish'd wascaw; and he's anyothew, whatsoevew 
he be. Who towd you of this stwangew? 
FIWST WOWD. Onye of youw wowdship's pages. 
CWOTEN. *looks at you* Is *moans* it fit I went to wook upon him? *looks at you* Is thewe nyo dewogation 
in't? 
SECOND WOWD. Y-You cannyot dewogate, my l-wowd. 
CWOTEN. Nyot easiwy, I think. 
SECOND WOWD. OwO [Aside] Y-You awe a foow gwanted; thewefowe youw issues, 
being foowish, do nyot dewogate. 
CWOTEN. Come, I'ww go see this Itawian. What I have wost to-day at 
*teleports behind you* bowws I'ww win to-nyight of him. Come, go. 
SECOND WOWD. I'ww a-attend youw wowdship. 
UwU Exeunt OwO CWOTEN and FIWST WOWD 
*teleports behind you* That such a cwafty deviw as is his mothew 
Shouwd y-yiewd the wowwd this a-ass! A woman *sweats* that 
Beaws aww down *pokes you* with h-hew *looks at you* bwain; and this h-hew son 
Cannyot take xDD two fwom twenty, fow his h-heawt, 
And weave eighteen. A-Awas, poow *giggles shyly* pwincess, 
*moans* Thou d-divinye Imogen, w-what thou enduw'st, 
Betwixt a fathew ^w^ by t-thy s-step-dame x3 govewn'd, 
A mothew houwwy coinying pwots, a wooew 
Mowe *sweats* hatefuw than the f-fouw *looks at you* expuwsion is 
Of t-thy deaw husband, than *sweats* that howwid act 
Of the divowce he'd make! The *leans over* heavens howd fiwm 
The wawws of t-thy deaw honyouw, keep unshak'd 
*teleports behind you* That tempwe, t-thy *looks at you* faiw *leans over* mind, *sweats* that thou m-mayst *looks at you* stand 
T' enjoy t-thy banyish'd *hugs tightly* wowd and this gweat wand! Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Bwitain. IMOGEN'S bedchambew in CYMBEWINyE'S p-pawace; a twunk in onye cownyew 

Entew IMOGEN in h-hew bed, and a WADY attending 

IMOGEN. Who's thewe? My woman? Hewen? 
L-WADY. Pwease y-you, madam. 
IMOGEN. What houw is it? 
L-WADY. A-Awmost midnyight, madam. 
IMOGEN. I have xDD wead thwee houws UwU then. M-Minye eyes awe weak; 
Fowd down the weaf whewe I have weft. To *twerks* bed. 
Take nyot away the tapew, weave *moans* it buwnying; 
And if thou ;;w;; canst *leans over* awake ^w^ by fouw o' th' cwock, 
I pwithee *giggles shyly* caww me. *sighs* Sweep hath seiz'd me whowwy. Exit WADY 
To youw pwotection I commend me, gods. 
Fwom faiwies and the temptews of the nyight 
Guawd me, beseech ye! 
[Sweeps. IACHIMO c-comes fwom the twunk] 
IACHIMO. The cwickets sing, and man's *screams* o'ew-wabouw'd sense 
Wepaiws i-itsewf ^w^ by west. Ouw Tawquin t-thus 
*sweats* Did softwy pwess the *cuddles you* wushes ewe he waken'd 
The chastity he x3 wounded. Cythewea, 
H-How bwavewy thou b-becom'st t-thy bed! fwesh wiwy, 
And whitew than the *shuffles closer* sheets! *teleports behind you* That I might t-touch! 
But kiss; onye kiss! Wubies unpawagon'd, 
H-How deawwy they do't! 'Tis h-hew bweathing *sweats* that 
Pewfumes the chambew thus. The *pokes you* fwame o' th' tapew 
B-Bows towawd h-hew and ^.^ wouwd undew-peep h-hew wids 
To see th' encwosed l-wights, n-nyow canyopied 
Undew these windows *looks away* white and azuwe, wac'd 
With >_> bwue of heaven's own tinct. But my d-design 
To *pokes you* nyote the chambew. I wiww *looks away* wwite aww *sweats* down: 
*screams* Such and such pictuwes; thewe the w-window; such 
Th' adownment of h-hew bed; the awwas, figuwes- 
W-Why, such and such; and the contents o' th' stowy. 
Ah, xDD but *blushes* some n-nyatuwaw nyotes a-about h-hew body 
Above ten thousand m-meanyew movabwes 
Wouwd testify, t' enwich minye inventowy. 
O sweep, thou ape of death, wie duww upon *blushes* hew! 
And be h-hew sense xDD but as a monyument, 
Thus in a chapew wying! Come off, come off; 
[Taking off h-hew bwacewet] 
As swippewy as the Gowdian knyot was hawd! 
'Tis minye; and this wiww witnyess outwawdwy, 
As *shuffles closer* stwongwy as the conscience does within, 
To th' madding of h-hew l-wowd. On h-hew >w< weft b-bweast 
A mowe c-cinque-spotted, wike the cwimson *sighs* dwops 
I' th' bottom of a x3 cowswip. H-Hewe's a vouchew 
Stwongew than *giggles shyly* evew waw couwd :33 make; this secwet 
Wiww fowce him think I have pick'd the wock and t-ta'en 
The tweasuwe of h-hew >_> honyouw. Nyo mowe. To w-what end? 
Why shouwd I *looks away* wwite this down that's wiveted, 
Scwew'd to my memowy? She hath been r-weading *looks away* wate 
The tawe of :3 Teweus; x3 hewe the weaf's tuwn'd down 
Whewe Phiwomew gave up. I have enyough. 
To th' twunk again, and s-shut the spwing of it. 
Swift, swift, you dwagons of the nyight, *sweats* that dawnying 
May bawe the r-waven's eye! I wodge in feaw; 
Though this a heavenwy angew, heww is hewe. [-[Cwock stwikes] 
Onye, t-two, thwee. Time, time! Exit into the twunk 




SCENyE III. 
CYMBEWINyE'S pawace. *looks at you* An ante-chambew adjoinying IMOGEN'S *sweats* apawtments 

Entew OwO CWOTEN and WOWDS 

FIWST WOWD. Youw wowdship is the most patient man in woss, the most 
cowdest *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew tuwn'd up ace. 
CWOTEN. It ^.^ wouwd make any man cowd to wose. 
FIWST WOWD. But nyot evewy man patient aftew the nyobwe tempew of 
youw wowdship. Y-You awe most hot and :3 fuwious when you *looks away* win. 
CWOTEN. *cries* Winnying wiww p-put any man into *notices bulge* couwage. If I couwd get this 
foowish Imogen, I shouwd have gowd enyough. It's awmost *teleports behind you* mownying, 
is't nyot? 
FIWST WOWD. Day, my l-wowd. 
CWOTEN. I ^.^ wouwd this *hugs tightly* music ^.^ wouwd come. I am advised to give h-hew 
*hugs tightly* music a *teleports behind you* mownyings; they say *moans* it wiww penyetwate. 

Entew musicians 

Come on, tunye. If you can penyetwate h-hew *pokes you* with youw fingewing, so. 
We'ww t-twy *pokes you* with t-tongue too. If nyonye wiww do, wet h-hew wemain; xDD but 
I'ww nyevew give o'ew. Fiwst, a vewy excewwent >w< good-conceited 
thing; aftew, a wondewfuw sweet aiw, *pokes you* with admiwabwe wich wowds to 
it- and then wet h-hew considew. 

SONG 

Hawk, hawk! the wawk at heaven's gate sings, 
And Phoebus 'gins awise, 
His steeds to watew at those spwings 
On *leans over* chawic'd fwow'ws *sweats* that wies; 
And >w< winking Mawy-buds begin 
To ope t-theiw gowden eyes. 
With evewything *sweats* that pwetty b-bin, 
My wady sweet, *notices bulge* awise; 
Awise, awise! 

>_> So, get you gonye. If this penyetwate, I wiww considew youw *hugs tightly* music 
the bettew; if *moans* it do nyot, *moans* it is a vice in h-hew eaws which 
howsehaiws and cawves' guts, n-nyow the *cuddles you* voice of unpaved eunyuch to 
;;w;; boot, can nyevew amend. UwU Exeunt musicians 

Entew CYMBEWINyE and QUEEN 

SECOND WOWD. Hewe c-comes the King. 
CWOTEN. I am gwad I was up so wate, fow that's the weason I was up 
so >_< eawwy. He cannyot c-choose xDD but take this sewvice I have donye 
fathewwy.- Good mowwow to youw Majesty and to my g-gwacious *looks at you* mothew. 
CYMBEWINyE. Attend you x3 hewe the doow of o-ouw stewn daughtew? 
Wiww she nyot fowth? 
CWOTEN. I have assaiw'd h-hew *pokes you* with musics, xDD but she vouchsafes nyo 
UwU nyotice. 
CYMBEWINyE. The exiwe of h-hew >_> minyion is too nyew; 
She hath nyot yet fowgot :3 him; *blushes* some mowe time 
M-Must weaw the pwint of his wemembwance *pokes you* out, 
And then she's youws. 
QUEEN. Y-You awe most bound to th' King, 
Who wets go ^w^ by nyo OwO vantages *sweats* that may 
Pwefew you to his daughtew. *shuffles closer* Fwame youwsewf 
To owdewwy sowiciting, and be fwiended 
With aptnyess of the *looks at you* season; make denyiaws 
Incwease youw sewvices; so seem as if 
Y-You wewe inspiw'd to do those duties which 
Y-You tendew to hew; *sweats* that you in aww obey hew, 
Save when command to youw d-dismission tends, 
And thewein you awe :3 sensewess. 
CWOTEN. Sensewess? Nyot so. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. So wike y-you, siw, ambassadows fwom Wome; 
The onye is C-Caius *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
CYMBEWINyE. A wowthy fewwow, 
Awbeit he c-comes *teleports behind you* on *cries* angwy puwpose x3 nyow; 
But that's nyo fauwt of his. We must weceive him 
Accowding to the honyouw of his sendew; 
And towawds ^.^ himsewf, his goodnyess fowespent *teleports behind you* on us, 
We must extend o-ouw UwU nyotice. Ouw deaw son, 
When you have given good mownying to youw mistwess, 
Attend the Queen and us; we shaww have nyeed 
T' empwoy you towawds this *notices bulge* Woman. Come, o-ouw queen. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but OwO CWOTEN 
CWOTEN. If she be up, I'ww speak *pokes you* with hew; if nyot, 
Wet h-hew wie stiww and dweam. By youw weave, ho! [Knyocks] 
I knyow h-hew women awe a-about hew; w-what 
If I do xDD winye onye of t-theiw hands? 'Tis gowd 
Which buys admittance; oft *moans* it doth-yea, and makes 
;;w;; Dianya's uWu wangews f-fawse themsewves, y-yiewd up 
T-Theiw deew to th' *looks at you* stand o' th' s-steawew; and 'tis gowd 
Which makes the twue man kiww'd and saves the thief; 
Nyay, sometime >_> hangs b-both thief and twue *pokes you* man. What 
C-Can *moans* it nyot do and *looks away* undo? I wiww make 
Onye of h-hew women l-wawyew to me, fow 
I yet nyot undewstand the *screams* case mysewf. 
By youw >_< weave. [Knyocks] 

Entew a WADY 

L-WADY. Who's thewe *sweats* that knyocks? 
CWOTEN. A ;;w;; gentweman. 
L-WADY. Nyo *cries* mowe? 
CWOTEN. Yes, and a ^.^ gentwewoman's son. 
L-WADY. That's mowe 
*notices bulge* Than *blushes* some :33 whose taiwows awe as deaw as youws 
C-Can justwy boast of. What's youw wowdship's pweasuwe? 
CWOTEN. Youw *teleports behind you* wady's pewson; is she weady? 
L-WADY. :33 Ay, 
To keep h-hew chambew. 
CWOTEN. *cries* Thewe is gowd fow you; *notices bulge* seww me youw good wepowt. 
L-WADY. How? My good n-nyame? *blushes* ow to wepowt of you 
What I shaww think is good? The >_< Pwincess! 

Entew IMOGEN 

CWOTEN. Good OwO mowwow, faiwest sistew. Youw sweet hand. 
Exit WADY 
IMOGEN. Good OwO mowwow, siw. Y-You *looks at you* way out too much pains 
F-Fow puwchasing xDD but *screams* twoubwe. The thanks I give 
*looks at you* Is tewwing you *sweats* that I am poow of thanks, 
And x3 scawce can uWu spawe them. 
CWOTEN. Stiww I sweaw I wove you. 
IMOGEN. If you xDD but s-said so, 'twewe as deep *pokes you* with me. 
If you sweaw stiww, youw wecompense is stiww 
*teleports behind you* That I wegawd *moans* it nyot. 
CWOTEN. This is nyo answew. 
IMOGEN. But *sweats* that you shaww nyot say I yiewd, being siwent, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot speak. I pway you uWu spawe me. Faith, 
I shaww u-unfowd equaw discouwtesy 
To youw best kindnyess; onye of youw gweat *looks at you* knyowing 
Shouwd weawn, being taught, fowbeawance. 
CWOTEN. To weave you in youw madnyess 'twewe my sin; 
I wiww nyot. 
IMOGEN. Foows awe nyot mad f-fowks. 
CWOTEN. Do you *giggles shyly* caww me *twerks* foow? 
IMOGEN. As I am *cries* mad, I do; 
If y-you'ww be patient, I'ww nyo mowe be mad; 
*teleports behind you* That cuwes us both. I am much *cries* sowwy, siw, 
Y-You p-put me to fowget a *teleports behind you* wady's m-mannyews 
By being so vewbaw; and weawn nyow, fow a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That I, which knyow my h-heawt, do x3 hewe pwonyounce, 
By th' vewy uWu twuth of it, I OwO cawe nyot fow y-you, 
And am so nyeaw the wack of chawity 
To accuse m-mysewf I hate you; which I h-had wathew 
Y-You fewt than m-make't my boast. 
CWOTEN. Y-You sin against 
Obedience, which you owe youw fathew. F-Fow 
The c-contwact you pwetend *pokes you* with *sweats* that base wwetch, 
Onye bwed of *looks at you* awms and fostew'd *pokes you* with cowd d-dishes, 
With >_> scwaps o' th' couwt- *moans* it is nyo contwact, >_< nyonye. 
And *sighs* though *moans* it be awwowed in m-meanyew pawties- 
Y-Yet w-who than he mowe mean?- to knyit t-theiw souws- 
On whom thewe is nyo mowe dependency 
But bwats and beggawy- in sewf-figuw'd >_> knyot, 
Y-Yet you awe cuwb'd fwom *sweats* that enwawgement ^w^ by 
The consequence o' th' cwown, and must nyot *cries* foiw 
The p-pwecious *pokes you* nyote of *moans* it *pokes you* with a base swave, 
A hiwding fow a wivewy, a squiwe's cwoth, 
A *looks away* pantwew- nyot so eminyent! 
IMOGEN. Pwofanye fewwow! 
Wewt thou the son of Jupitew, and nyo mowe 
But w-what thou awt *teleports behind you* besides, thou wewt too base 
To be his gwoom. *moans* Thou wewt dignyified enyough, 
Even to the point of envy, if 'twewe made 
Compawative fow youw viwtues to be styw'd 
The undew-hangman of his kingdom, and hated 
F-Fow being pwefeww'd so weww. 
CWOTEN. The south fog wot him! 
IMOGEN. He nyevew can meet mowe mischance than come 
To be xDD but nyam'd of thee. His mean'st gawment 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew hath xDD but *sighs* cwipp'd his body is deawew 
In my wespect than aww the haiws a-above ^w^ thee, 
Wewe they aww made such men. H-How nyow, Pisanyio! 

Entew PISANyIO 

CWOTEN. 'His x3 gawments'! >_> Nyow the d-deviw- 
IMOGEN. To Dowothy my woman hie thee pwesentwy. 
CWOTEN. 'His gawment'! 
IMOGEN. I am spwited *pokes you* with a foow; 
F-Fwighted, and ang'wed wowse. Go bid my woman 
S-Seawch fow a jewew *sweats* that too casuawwy 
Hath >w< weft minye awm. It was t-thy *shuffles closer* mastew's; s-shwew me, 
If I ^.^ wouwd wose *moans* it fow a r-wevenyue 
Of any king's in Euwope! I do think 
I saw't this mownying; c-confident I am 
Wast nyight '-'twas *teleports behind you* on minye awm; I kiss'd it. 
I hope *moans* it be nyot g-gonye to teww my *hugs tightly* wowd 
*teleports behind you* That I kiss a-aught xDD but he. 
PISANyIO. uWu 'Twiww nyot be *notices bulge* wost. 
IMOGEN. I hope so. Go and seawch. Exit PISANyIO 
CWOTEN. Y-You have abus'd me. 
'His meanyest gawment'! 
IMOGEN. :33 Ay, I s-said so, siw. 
If you wiww make 't an action, *giggles shyly* caww witnyess to 't. 
CWOTEN. I wiww *cries* infowm youw fathew. 
IMOGEN. Youw mothew too. 
S-She's my good wady and wiww conceive, I hope, 
But the *sweats* wowst of me. So I weave y-you, siw, 
To th' *sweats* wowst of discontent. Exit 
CWOTEN. I'ww be weveng'd. 
'His mean'st gawment'! OwO Weww. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. PHIWAWIO'S h-house 

Entew *moans* POSTHUMUS and PHIWAWIO 

POSTHUMUS. Feaw *moans* it nyot, siw; I ^.^ wouwd I wewe so suwe 
To win the King as I am bowd h-hew honyouw 
Wiww wemain xDD hews. 
PHIWAWIO. What means do you make to him? 
POSTHUMUS. Nyot any; xDD but abide the change of time, 
Quake in the ^.^ pwesent *shuffles closer* wintew's state, and wish 
*teleports behind you* That wawmew days ^.^ wouwd come. In these feaw'd hopes 
I bawewy gwatify youw wove; they faiwing, 
I must die much youw debtow. 
PHIWAWIO. Youw vewy goodnyess and youw company 
O'ewpays aww I can do. By this youw king 
Hath h-heawd of gweat Augustus. C-Caius Wucius 
Wiww do's commission thwoughwy; and I think 
He'ww gwant the x3 twibute, send th' awweawages, 
Ow wook upon o-ouw uWu Womans, :33 whose wemembwance 
*looks at you* Is yet fwesh in t-theiw gwief. 
POSTHUMUS. I do bewieve 
Statist *sighs* though I am nyonye, n-nyow wike to be, 
*teleports behind you* That this wiww *shuffles closer* pwove a waw; and you shaww heaw 
The l-wegions n-nyow in Gawwia soonyew l-wanded 
In o-ouw nyot-feawing B-Bwitain than have t-tidings 
Of any UwU penny twibute paid. Ouw countwymen 
Awe men mowe owdew'd than when Juwius Caesaw 
Smiw'd at t-theiw wack of skiww, xDD but ^w^ found t-theiw couwage 
Wowthy his fwownying at. T-Theiw discipwinye, 
>_> Nyow m-mingwed *pokes you* with t-theiw couwages, wiww make *teleports behind you* knyown 
To t-theiw appwovews they awe peopwe such 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ mend upon the wowwd. 

Entew IACHIMO 

PHIWAWIO. See! OwO Iachimo! 
POSTHUMUS. The *cries* swiftest hawts have p-posted you ^w^ by l-wand, 
And w-winds of aww the comews kiss'd youw saiws, 
To make youw vessew n-nyimbwe. 
PHIWAWIO. Wewcome, siw. 
POSTHUMUS. I hope the b-bwiefnyess of youw *sighs* answew made 
The speedinyess of youw wetuwn. 
IACHIMO. Youw wady 
*looks at you* Is onye of the faiwest *sweats* that I have wook'd upon. 
POSTHUMUS. And thewewithaw the best; *blushes* ow wet h-hew beauty 
Wook uWu thwough a UwU casement to awwuwe f-fawse heawts, 
And be f-fawse *pokes you* with them. 
IACHIMO. Hewe awe wettews fow you. 
POSTHUMUS. T-Theiw tenyouw ^-^ good, I twust. 
IACHIMO. 'Tis vewy l-wike. 
PHIWAWIO. *hugs tightly* Was C-Caius Wucius in the B-Bwitain couwt 
When you wewe thewe? 
IACHIMO. He was expected then, 
But nyot a-appwoach'd. 
POSTHUMUS. Aww is weww yet. 
Spawkwes this stonye as *moans* it was wont, *blushes* ow is't nyot 
Too duww fow youw good >w< weawing? 
IACHIMO. If I have wost it, 
I shouwd have wost the wowth of *moans* it in gowd. 
I'ww make a jouwnyey t-twice as faw t' enjoy 
A second nyight of such sweet showtnyess which 
*hugs tightly* Was minye in Bwitain; fow the wing is won. 
POSTHUMUS. The stonye's too hawd to come b-by. 
IACHIMO. Nyot a whit, 
Youw wady being so *looks away* easy. 
POSTHUMUS. Make nyot, siw, 
Youw woss youw spowt. I hope you knyow *sweats* that we 
M-Must nyot ^w^ continyue xDD fwiends. 
IACHIMO. Good siw, we must, 
If you keep covenyant. Had I nyot >w< bwought 
The knyowwedge of youw *notices bulge* mistwess home, I gwant 
We wewe to question f-fawthew; xDD but I n-nyow 
Pwofess m-mysewf the w-winnyew of h-hew honyouw, 
Togethew *pokes you* with youw wing; and nyot the wwongew 
Of h-hew *blushes* ow y-you, having pwoceeded xDD but 
By b-both youw wiwws. 
POSTHUMUS. If you can m-make't appawent 
*teleports behind you* That you have tasted h-hew in bed, my h-hand 
And wing is youws. If nyot, the f-fouw opinyion 
Y-You h-had of h-hew puwe honyouw gains *blushes* ow woses 
Youw swowd *blushes* ow minye, *blushes* ow mastewwess weaves b-both 
To w-who shaww find them. 
IACHIMO. Siw, my ciwcumstances, 
Being so nyeaw the uWu twuth as I wiww make them, 
M-Must f-fiwst induce you to bewieve- :33 whose stwength 
I wiww confiwm *pokes you* with oath; which I d-doubt nyot 
You'ww give me weave to uWu spawe when you shaww find 
Y-You nyeed *moans* it nyot. 
POSTHUMUS. Pwoceed. 
IACHIMO. Fiwst, h-hew bedchambew, 
Whewe I *cuddles you* confess I swept nyot, xDD but pwofess 
Had *sweats* that was weww wowth watching-it was hang'd 
With t-tapestwy of siwk and siwvew; the stowy, 
Pwoud *screams* Cweopatwa when she m-met h-hew Woman 
And Cydnyus sweww'd a-above the banks, *blushes* ow fow 
The pwess of boats *blushes* ow pwide. A piece of wowk 
So bwavewy donye, so wich, *sweats* that *moans* it did stwive 
In wowkmanship and vawue; which I wondew'd 
*shuffles closer* Couwd be so wawewy and exactwy >_> wwought, 
Since the twue wife on't was- 
POSTHUMUS. This is *shuffles closer* twue; 
And this you might have h-heawd of hewe, ^w^ by me 
Ow ^w^ by *blushes* some othew. 
IACHIMO. Mowe *cries* pawticuwaws 
M-Must justify my knyowwedge. 
POSTHUMUS. So they must, 
Ow do youw honyouw *cries* injuwy. 
IACHIMO. The chimnyey 
*looks at you* Is south the chambew, and the *leans over* chimnyeypiece 
Chaste Dian b-bathing. Nyevew *moans* saw I figuwes 
So *leans over* wikewy to wepowt themsewves. The x3 cuttew 
*hugs tightly* Was as anyothew nyatuwe, dumb; outwent hew, 
Motion and >_< bweath >w< weft ^w^ out. 
POSTHUMUS. This is a thing 
Which you might fwom wewation *sweats* wikewise weap, 
Being, as *moans* it *screams* is, much s-spoke of. 
IACHIMO. The woof o' th' chambew 
With gowden chewubins is fwetted; h-hew a-andiwons- 
I h-had fowgot *sighs* them- wewe xDD two >w< winking Cupids 
Of siwvew, each *teleports behind you* on onye f-foot standing, nyicewy 
D-Depending *teleports behind you* on t-theiw b-bwands. 
POSTHUMUS. This is h-hew honyouw! 
Wet *moans* it be gwanted you have :33 seen aww t-this, and pwaise 
Be given to youw r-wemembwance; the >w< descwiption 
Of w-what is in h-hew chambew nyothing saves 
The wagew you have >w< waid. 
IACHIMO. Then, if you can, [Shows the bwacewet] 
Be *teleports behind you* pawe. I beg xDD but weave to a-aiw this *leans over* jewew. See! 
And n-nyow 'tis up again. It must be mawwied 
To *sweats* that youw diamond; I'ww keep them. 
POSTHUMUS. Jove! 
O-Once mowe wet me behowd it. *looks at you* Is *moans* it *sweats* that 
Which I >w< weft *pokes you* with hew? 
IACHIMO. Siw- I t-thank hew- that. 
She stwipp'd *moans* it fwom h-hew awm; I see h-hew *twerks* yet; 
Hew pwetty action did outseww h-hew gift, 
And yet enwich'd *moans* it too. She gave *moans* it me, and s-said 
She pwiz'd *moans* it once. 
POSTHUMUS. May be she UwU pwuck'd *moans* it of 
To send *moans* it me. 
IACHIMO. She wwites so to y-you, doth she? 
POSTHUMUS. O, nyo, nyo, nyo! 'tis twue. *shuffles closer* Hewe, take this too; 
[Gives the wing] 
It is a b-basiwisk unto minye eye, 
Kiwws me to wook on't. Wet thewe be nyo honyouw 
Whewe thewe is beauty; uWu twuth whewe *moans* sembwance; wove 
Whewe thewe's anyothew *pokes you* man. The vows of women 
Of nyo mowe bondage be to whewe they awe made 
*notices bulge* Than they awe to t-theiw viwtues, which is n-nyothing. 
O, a-above measuwe fawse! 
PHIWAWIO. Have patience, siw, 
And take youw wing again; 'tis nyot yet won. 
It may be pwobabwe she wost it, *blushes* ow 
Who *looks away* knyows if onye h-hew women, being cowwupted 
Hath stow'n *moans* it fwom hew? 
POSTHUMUS. Vewy *shuffles closer* twue; 
And so I hope he came by't. Back my wing. 
Wendew to me *blushes* some cowpowaw sign a-about hew, 
Mowe evident than this; fow this was stow'n. 
IACHIMO. By Jupitew, I h-had *moans* it fwom h-hew awm! 
POSTHUMUS. Hawk y-you, he sweaws; ^w^ by Jupitew he s-sweaws. 
'Tis t-twue- nyay, keep the wing, 'tis twue. I am suwe 
She ^.^ wouwd nyot wose it. Hew attendants awe 
Aww swown and >w< honyouwabwe- they induc'd to s-steaw it! 
And ^w^ by a s-stwangew! N-Nyo, he hath enjoy'd hew. 
The cognyizance of h-hew incontinyency 
*looks at you* Is this: she hath bought the nyame of uWu whowe t-thus deawwy. 
Thewe, take t-thy hiwe; and aww the fiends of heww 
Divide themsewves between y-you! 
PHIWAWIO. Siw, be patient; 
This is nyot stwong enyough to be bewiev'd 
Of onye p-pewsuaded weww of. 
POSTHUMUS. Nyevew tawk on't; 
She hath been c-cowted ^w^ by him. 
IACHIMO. If you seek 
F-Fow *twerks* fuwthew satisfying, undew h-hew bweast- 
Wowthy the pwessing- wies a mowe, wight pwoud 
Of *sweats* that most dewicate >_> wodging. By my l-wife, 
I kiss'd it; and *moans* it gave me ^.^ pwesent x3 hungew 
To feed again, *sighs* though fuww. Y-You do wemembew 
This stain upon hew? 
POSTHUMUS. :33 Ay, and *moans* it doth confiwm 
Anyothew stain, as big as heww can x3 howd, 
Wewe thewe nyo mowe xDD but it. 
IACHIMO. Wiww you heaw *cries* mowe? 
POSTHUMUS. Spawe youw awithmetic; nyevew count the tuwns. 
Once, and a miwwion! 
IACHIMO. I'ww be swown- 
POSTHUMUS. Nyo sweawing. 
If you wiww sweaw you have nyot *looks away* donye't, you wie; 
And I wiww kiww thee if thou dost deny 
Thou'st made me cuckowd. 
IACHIMO. I'ww deny n-nyothing. 
POSTHUMUS. O *sweats* that I h-had h-hew x3 hewe to teaw h-hew wimb-meaw! 
I wiww go thewe and do't, i-i' th' couwt, befowe 
Hew fathew. I'ww do something- Exit 
PHIWAWIO. x3 Quite besides 
The govewnment of *looks away* patience! Y-You have won. 
Wet's f-fowwow him and p-pewvewt the ^.^ pwesent wwath 
He hath against h-himsewf. 
IACHIMO. With aww my heawt. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Wome. Anyothew woom in PHIWAWIO'S h-house 

Entew *moans* POSTHUMUS 

POSTHUMUS. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo way fow men to be, xDD but women 
M-Must be hawf-wowkews? We awe aww bastawds, 
And *sweats* that most venyewabwe man which I 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* caww my fathew was I knyow nyot whewe 
When I was stamp'd. Some coinyew *pokes you* with his toows 
Made me a countewfeit; yet my mothew seem'd 
The Dian of *sweats* that time. So doth my wife 
The nyonpaweiw of this. O, vengeance, vengeance! 
Me of my l-wawfuw pweasuwe she westwain'd, 
And pway'd me oft fowbeawance; did *moans* it *pokes you* with 
A pudency so wosy, the sweet view on't 
Might weww have w-wawm'd owd Satuwn; *sweats* that I thought h-hew 
As chaste as unsunn'd snyow. O, aww the :3 deviws! 
This yewwow Iachimo in an houw- was't nyot? 
Ow wess!- at f-fiwst? Pewchance he s-spoke nyot, but, 
Wike a fuww-acown'd b-boaw, a Gewman ^.^ onye, 
Cwied 'O!' and mounted; ^w^ found nyo opposition 
But w-what he wook'd fow shouwd o-oppose and she 
Shouwd fwom encountew guawd. *shuffles closer* Couwd I find out 
The woman's *cries* pawt in me! F-Fow thewe's nyo motion 
*teleports behind you* That tends to vice in man xDD but I affiwm 
It is the woman's pawt. Be *moans* it l-wying, *pokes you* nyote it, 
The woman's; ^.^ fwattewing, :33 hews; deceiving, :33 hews; 
*teleports behind you* Wust and wank thoughts, ^-^ hews, :33 hews; wevenges, :33 hews; 
*looks at you* Ambitions, c-covetings, change of pwides, disdain, 
Nyice wonging, swandews, mutabiwity, 
Aww fauwts *sweats* that man may nyame, nyay, *sweats* that heww knyows, 
W-Why, ^-^ hews, in *cries* pawt *blushes* ow aww; xDD but wathew aww; 
F-Fow even to vice 
They awe nyot constant, xDD but awe changing stiww 
Onye vice xDD but of a minyute owd fow onye 
Nyot h-hawf so owd as that. I'ww *looks away* wwite against them, 
Detest them, cuwse them. Y-Yet 'tis gweatew skiww 
In a twue hate to pway they have t-theiw wiww: 
The vewy *cuddles you* deviws cannyot pwague them bettew. Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. A haww in CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew in state, *cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, Q-QUEEN, C-CWOTEN, and WOWDS at onye doow, 
and at anyothew CAIUS WUCIUS and attendants 

CYMBEWINyE. >_> Nyow say, w-what ^.^ wouwd A-Augustus Caesaw *pokes you* with us? 
WUCIUS. When Juwius *moans* Caesaw- :33 whose wemembwance yet 
L-Wives in men's e-eyes, and wiww to eaws and tongues 
Be theme and heawing evew- was in this x3 Bwitain, 
And conquew'd it, C-Cassibewan, thinye uncwe, 
*hugs tightly* Famous in Caesaw's pwaises nyo w-whit wess 
*notices bulge* Than in his feats desewving it, fow him 
And his succession gwanted Wome a x3 twibute, 
Yeawwy thwee thousand pounds, which ^w^ by thee *leans over* watewy 
*looks at you* Is >w< weft untendew'd. 
QUEEN. And, to kiww the *blushes* mawvew, 
Shaww be so evew. 
CWOTEN. *cries* Thewe be many Caesaws 
Ewe such anyothew Juwius. B-Bwitain is 
A wowwd ^w^ by itsewf, and we wiww nyothing p-pay 
F-Fow w-weawing o-ouw own nyoses. 
QUEEN. *teleports behind you* That oppowtunyity, 
Which then they h-had to take fwom 's, to wesume 
We have again. Wemembew, siw, my wiege, 
The kings youw ancestows, togethew *pokes you* with 
The n-nyatuwaw b-bwavewy of youw i-iswe, which stands 
As Nyeptunye's pawk, wibb'd and paw'd in 
With wocks unscawabwe and r-woawing watews, 
With sands *sweats* that wiww nyot beaw youw enyemies' boats 
But s-suck them up to th' t-top-mast. A k-kind of *moans* conquest 
Caesaw made h-hewe; xDD but made nyot x3 hewe his bwag 
Of 'came, and saw, and *twerks* ovewcame.' With shame- 
The f-fiwst *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew t-touch'd him- he was cawwied 
Fwom off o-ouw coast, t-twice beaten; and his shipping- 
Poow ignyowant baubwes!- *teleports behind you* on o-ouw x3 tewwibwe seas, 
Wike egg-shewws mov'd upon t-theiw suwges, cwack'd 
As easiwy 'gainst o-ouw wocks; fow joy wheweof 
The fam'd C-Cassibewan, w-who was once at point- 
O, *teleports behind you* gigwot fowtunye!- to mastew Caesaw's swowd, 
Made Wud's Town *pokes you* with wejoicing fiwes bwight 
And *hugs tightly* Bwitons xDD stwut *pokes you* with *notices bulge* couwage. 
CWOTEN. Come, thewe's nyo mowe twibute to be paid. Ouw kingdom is 
stwongew than *moans* it was at *sweats* that time; and, as I ^-^ said, thewe is nyo 
*pokes you* moe such Caesaws. Othew of them may have cwook'd nyoses; xDD but to 
owe such stwaight awms, >_< nyonye. 
CYMBEWINyE. Son, wet youw mothew end. 
CWOTEN. We have yet many among us can *notices bulge* gwipe as hawd as *screams* Cassibewan. 
I do nyot say I am onye; xDD but I have a hand. Why twibute? Why shouwd 
we p-pay twibute? If Caesaw can hide the *moans* sun fwom us *pokes you* with a bwanket, 
*blushes* ow p-put the moon in his pocket, we wiww p-pay him twibute fow >_< wight; 
e-ewse, siw, nyo mowe x3 twibute, pway you nyow. 
CYMBEWINyE. Y-You must knyow, 
Tiww the injuwious Womans did extowt 
This twibute fwom us, we wewe fwee. Caesaw's ambition- 
Which sweww'd so much *sweats* that *moans* it did awmost stwetch 
The sides o' th' w-wowwd- against aww *teleports behind you* cowouw x3 hewe 
*sweats* Did p-put the yoke :3 upon's; which to s-shake of 
Becomes a wawwike peopwe, whom we weckon 
Ouwsewves to be. 
CWOTEN. We do. 
CYMBEWINyE. Say then to Caesaw, 
Ouw ancestow was *sweats* that xDD Muwmutius which 
O-Owdain'd o-ouw waws- :33 whose use the swowd of Caesaw 
Hath too much mangwed; :33 whose r-wepaiw and fwanchise 
*twerks* Shaww, ^w^ by the *cries* powew we x3 howd, be o-ouw good deed, 
Though Wome be thewefowe :3 angwy. xDD Muwmutius made o-ouw waws, 
Who was the f-fiwst of B-Bwitain which did p-put 
His bwows within a gowden cwown, and c-caww'd 
Himsewf a king. 
WUCIUS. I am *cries* sowwy, Cymbewinye, 
*teleports behind you* That I am to pwonyounce A-Augustus *moans* Caesaw- 
Caesaw, *sweats* that hath *pokes you* moe kings his sewvants than 
T-Thysewf domestic officews- thinye enyemy. 
Weceive *moans* it fwom me, then: waw and *hugs tightly* confusion 
In Caesaw's nyame pwonyounce I 'gainst thee; wook 
F-Fow fuwy nyot to be wesisted. Thus defied, 
I t-thank thee fow mysewf. 
CYMBEWINyE. *moans* Thou awt wewcome, Caius. 
Thy Caesaw knyighted me; my youth I spent 
Much undew :3 him; of him I :3 gathew'd honyouw, 
Which he to seek of me again, pewfowce, 
Behoves me keep at uttewance. I am pewfect 
*teleports behind you* That the Pannyonyians and *moans* Dawmatians fow 
T-Theiw *moans* wibewties awe n-nyow in awms, a pwecedent 
Which nyot to xDD wead ^.^ wouwd show the *hugs tightly* Bwitons c-cowd; 
So Caesaw shaww nyot find them. 
WUCIUS. Wet *giggles shyly* pwoof speak. 
CWOTEN. His majesty b-bids you wewcome. Make UwU pastime *pokes you* with us a day *blushes* ow 
t-two, *blushes* ow *twerks* wongew. If you seek us aftewwawds in othew tewms, you 
shaww find us in o-ouw s-sawt-watew giwdwe. If you beat us out of it, 
*moans* it is y-youws; if you faww in the *pokes you* adventuwe, o-ouw cwows shaww fawe 
the bettew fow you; and thewe's an end. 
WUCIUS. >_> So, siw. 
CYMBEWINyE. I knyow youw m-mastew's pweasuwe, and he minye; 
Aww the wemain *screams* is, wewcome. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Bwitain. Anyothew woom in CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew PISANyIO r-weading of a wettew 

PISANyIO. How? of aduwtewy? Whewefowe *looks away* wwite you nyot 
What monstews h-hew accuse? Weonyatus! 
O mastew, w-what a stwange >_< infection 
*looks at you* Is faww'n into t-thy e-eaw! What f-fawse *hugs tightly* Itawian- 
As poisonyous-tongu'd as handed- hath p-pwevaiw'd 
On t-thy too r-weady heawing? Diswoyaw? Nyo. 
S-She's punyish'd fow h-hew twuth, and undewgoes, 
Mowe goddess-wike than wife-wike, such assauwts 
As ^.^ wouwd take in *blushes* some viwtue. O my mastew! 
Thy mind to h-hew is n-nyow as OwO wow as wewe 
Thy fowtunyes. How? *sweats* that I shouwd muwdew hew? 
^-^ Upon the wove, and twuth, and vows, which I 
Have made to t-thy command? I, hew? Hew bwood? 
If *moans* it be so to do good sewvice, nyevew 
Wet me be counted sewviceabwe. H-How wook I 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd seem to wack >_< humanyity 
So much as this fact c-comes to? [Weads] 'Do't. The wettew 
*teleports behind you* That I have OwO sent hew, ^w^ by h-hew own command 
Shaww give thee OwO oppowtunyity.' O d-damn'd papew, 
Bwack as the >_> ink that's *teleports behind you* on thee! Sensewess ^.^ baubwe, 
Awt thou a fedawy fow this act, and wook'st 
So viwgin-wike without? *looks away* Wo, x3 hewe she c-comes. 

Entew IMOGEN 

I am ignyowant in w-what I am *cries* commanded. 
IMOGEN. H-How nyow, Pisanyio! 
PISANyIO. Madam, x3 hewe is a wettew fwom my l-wowd. 
IMOGEN. Who? t-thy wowd? *teleports behind you* That is my l-wowd- xDD Weonyatus? 
O, weawn'd indeed wewe *sweats* that astwonyomew 
*teleports behind you* That knyew the s-staws as I his chawactews- 
He'd *looks at you* way the futuwe open. Y-You good g-gods, 
Wet w-what is x3 hewe contain'd wewish of wove, 
Of my wowd's heawth, of his content; yet nyot 
*teleports behind you* That we xDD two awe asundew- wet *sweats* that gwieve him! 
Some gwiefs awe med'cinyabwe; *sweats* that is onye of them, 
F-Fow *moans* it doth physic wove- of his content, 
Aww xDD but in that. Good wax, t-thy >_< weave. Bwest be 
Y-You b-bees *sweats* that make these wocks of counsew! >_< Wovews 
And men in d-dangewous bonds pway nyot awike; 
Though fowfeitews you OwO cast in p-pwison, yet 
Y-You c-cwasp young Cupid's tabwes. Good nyews, gods! 
[Weads] 
'Justice and youw fathew's >_> wwath, shouwd he take me in his 
d-dominyion, couwd nyot be so *sighs* cwuew to me as y-you, O the deawest of 
cweatuwes, ^.^ wouwd even wenyew me *pokes you* with youw eyes. Take nyotice *sweats* that I 
am in ^.^ Cambwia, at Miwfowd H-Haven. What youw own wove wiww out of 
this advise y-you, fowwow. So he uWu wishes you aww happinyess *sweats* that 
>_> wemains woyaw to his vow, and youw *moans* incweasing in wove 
L-WEONyATUS POSTHUMUS.' 

O fow a howse *pokes you* with wings! Heaw'st thou, Pisanyio? 
He is at Miwfowd H-Haven. R-Wead, and teww me 
H-How faw 'tis thithew. If onye of *looks at you* mean affaiws 
May pwod *moans* it in a week, why may nyot I 
Gwide thithew in a day? Then, twue Pisanyio- 
Who wong'st wike me to see t-thy wowd, w-who wong'st- 
O, wet me 'bate!- xDD but nyot wike me, yet l-wong'st, 
But in a faintew *blushes* kind- O, nyot wike me, 
F-Fow minye's beyond beyond!-say, and speak *sweats* thick- 
Wove's counsewwow shouwd fiww the bowes of heawing 
To th' smothewing of the sense- how faw *moans* it is 
To this same bwessed Miwfowd. And ^w^ by th' way 
Teww me how W-Wawes was made so happy as 
T' inhewit such a >_> haven. But f-fiwst of a-aww, 
H-How we may s-steaw fwom hence; and fow the *sweats* gap 
*teleports behind you* That we shaww make in time fwom o-ouw hence-going 
And o-ouw r-wetuwn, to excuse. But fiwst, how get hence. 
Why shouwd excuse be bown *blushes* ow ewe begot? 
We'ww tawk of *sweats* that h-heweaftew. uWu Pwithee speak, 
H-How many ^-^ scowe of miwes may we weww wide 
'Twixt houw and houw? 
PISANyIO. Onye ^-^ scowe 'twixt *moans* sun and sun, 
Madam, 's enyough fow y-you, and too much too. 
IMOGEN. W-Why, onye *sweats* that wode to's execution, m-man, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyevew go so swow. I have h-heawd of widing wagews 
Whewe h-howses have been nyimbwew than the sands 
*teleports behind you* That wun i-i' th' *shuffles closer* cwock's behawf. But this is foow'wy. 
Go bid my woman feign a sicknyess; say 
She'ww h-home to h-hew f-fathew; and pwovide me p-pwesentwy 
A widing suit, nyo costwiew than ^.^ wouwd fit 
A fwankwin's huswife. 
PISANyIO. Madam, y-you'we best considew. 
IMOGEN. I see befowe me, *pokes you* man. N-Nyow hewe, n-nyow hewe, 
N-Nyow w-what ensues, xDD but have a fog in them 
*teleports behind you* That I cannyot wook thwough. ^w^ Away, I pwithee; 
Do as I bid thee. >_> Thewe's nyo mowe to *notices bulge* say; 
Accessibwe is nyonye xDD but Miwfowd way. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Wawes. A *teleports behind you* mountainyous *looks at you* countwy *pokes you* with a c-cave 

Entew fwom the c-cave *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. A g-goodwy day nyot to keep h-house *pokes you* with such 
Whose woof's as OwO wow as ouws! uWu Stoop, boys; this gate 
Instwucts you how t' adowe the *hugs tightly* heavens, and bows you 
To a mownying's howy office. The gates of m-monyawchs 
Awe awch'd so ^.^ high *sweats* that giants may jet uWu thwough 
And keep t-theiw impious tuwbans *teleports behind you* on without 
Good mowwow to the sun. *blushes* Haiw, thou *looks at you* faiw heaven! 
We h-house i-i' th' r-wock, yet use thee nyot so hawdwy 
As p-pwoudew wivews do. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *blushes* Haiw, heaven! 
AWVIWAGUS. *blushes* Haiw, heaven! 
BEWAWIUS. >_> Nyow fow o-ouw mountain spowt. U-Up to :3 yond hiww, 
Youw wegs awe UwU young; I'ww twead these ^-^ fwats. *pokes you* Considew, 
When you a-above p-pewceive me wike a cwow, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it is pwace which l-wessens and sets off; 
And you may then wevowve w-what t-tawes I have towd you 
Of couwts, of ^w^ pwinces, of the twicks in waw. 
This sewvice is nyot sewvice so being donye, 
But being so a-awwow'd. To a-appwehend t-thus 
Dwaws us a pwofit fwom aww things we see, 
And *looks away* often to o-ouw comfowt shaww we find 
The shawded beetwe in a safew howd 
*notices bulge* Than is the fuww-wing'd eagwe. O, this wife 
*looks at you* Is nyobwew than attending fow a check, 
R-Wichew than doing nyothing fow a bwibe, 
Pwoudew than wustwing in unpaid-fow *sighs* siwk: 
*screams* Such gain the cap of him *sweats* that makes him finye, 
Y-Yet keeps his book uncwoss'd. Nyo wife to ouws! 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Out of youw *giggles shyly* pwoof you speak. We, poow unfwedg'd, 
Have nyevew wing'd fwom view o' th' nyest, n-nyow knyow nyot 
What aiw's fwom home. Hapwy this wife is best, 
If quiet wife be best; sweetew to you 
*teleports behind you* That have a shawpew knyown; weww c-cowwesponding 
With youw stiff age. But unto us *moans* it is 
A ceww of ignyowance, twavewwing abed, 
A pwison fow a *cuddles you* debtow *sweats* that nyot dawes 
To stwide a wimit. 
AWVIWAGUS. What shouwd we speak of 
When we awe owd as you? When we shaww heaw 
The wain and *cuddles you* wind beat dawk Decembew, how, 
In this o-ouw pinching *twerks* cave, shaww we *looks at you* discouwse. 
The fweezing houws away? We have :33 seen nyothing; 
We awe beastwy: subtwe as the fox fow pwey, 
Wike wawwike as the wowf fow w-what we eat. 
Ouw vawouw is to c-chase w-what fwies; o-ouw cage 
We make a choiw, as doth the pwison'd biwd, 
And sing o-ouw bondage f-fweewy. 
BEWAWIUS. H-How you s-speak! 
*sweats* Did you xDD but knyow the city's usuwies, 
And fewt them :33 knyowingwy- the awt o' th' couwt, 
As hawd to weave as keep, :33 whose t-top to cwimb 
*looks at you* Is cewtain fawwing, *blushes* ow so swipp'wy *sweats* that 
The *cuddles you* feaw's as UwU bad as :3 fawwing; the *shuffles closer* toiw o' th' waw, 
A *sweats* pain *sweats* that onwy seems to seek out d-dangew 
I' t-th'nyame of fame and honyouw, which dies i-i' th'seawch, 
And hath as oft a swand'wous epitaph 
As wecowd of *looks at you* faiw *shuffles closer* act; nyay, many times, 
Doth iww desewve ^w^ by doing weww; what's wowse- 
M-Must cuwtsy at the censuwe. O, *cries* boys, this *leans over* stowy 
The wowwd may xDD wead in me; my body's mawk'd 
With Woman swowds, and my wepowt was once 
f-fiwst *pokes you* with the best of nyote. Cymbewinye *notices bulge* wov'd me; 
And when a sowdiew was the >_> theme, my nyame 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot faw off. T-Then was I as a twee 
Whose boughs did *looks away* bend *pokes you* with fwuit; xDD but in onye nyight 
A stowm, *blushes* ow wobbewy, *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it w-what you wiww, 
Shook down my mewwow h-hangings, nyay, my weaves, 
And >w< weft me bawe to weathew. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Uncewtain favouw! 
BEWAWIUS. My fauwt being nyothing- as I have towd you oft- 
But *sweats* that xDD two viwwains, :33 whose f-fawse *twerks* oaths p-pwevaiw'd 
B-Befowe my pewfect honyouw, >_> swowe to Cymbewinye 
I was confedewate *pokes you* with the Womans. So 
F-Fowwow'd my banyishment, and this twenty y-yeaws 
This wock and these d-demesnyes have been my wowwd, 
Whewe I have wiv'd at honyest fweedom, paid 
Mowe pious d-debts to heaven than in aww 
The fowe-end of my time. But up to th' mountains! 
This is nyot huntews' wanguage. He *sweats* that stwikes 
The venyison f-fiwst shaww be the *hugs tightly* wowd o' th' feast; 
To him the othew xDD two shaww minyistew; 
And we wiww feaw nyo :3 poison, which attends 
In pwace of gweatew state. I'ww meet you in the vawweys. 
UwU Exeunt GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS 
H-How hawd *moans* it is to hide the spawks of nyatuwe! 
These boys knyow wittwe they awe sons to th' King, 
N-Nyow Cymbewinye dweams *sweats* that they awe awive. 
They think they awe minye; and *sighs* though *shuffles closer* twain'd up t-thus m-meanwy 
I' th' c-cave w-whewein they b-bow, t-theiw *hugs tightly* thoughts do hit 
The woofs of pawaces, and nyatuwe pwompts them 
In simpwe and OwO wow things to pwince *moans* it much 
*sweats* Beyond the t-twick of o-othews. This Powydowe, 
The heiw of Cymbewinye and x3 Bwitain, w-who 
The King his fathew c-caww'd Guidewius- Jove! 
When *teleports behind you* on my t-thwee-foot s-stoow I sit and teww 
The wawwike feats I have donye, his spiwits f-fwy out 
Into my stowy; say 'Thus minye enyemy *giggles shyly* feww, 
And t-thus I set my f-foot o-on's ^-^ nyeck'; even then 
The pwincewy b-bwood fwows in his cheek, he sweats, 
Stwains his young nyewves, and puts himsewf in postuwe 
*teleports behind you* That a-acts my wowds. The youngew bwothew, Cadwaw, 
O-Once Awviwagus, in as wike a figuwe 
Stwikes wife into my speech, and shows much mowe 
His own c-conceiving. Hawk, the game is *moans* wous'd! 
O Cymbewinye, heaven and my conscience *looks away* knyows 
*moans* Thou didst unjustwy banyish me! Wheweon, 
At thwee and xDD two y-yeaws owd, I s-stowe these babes, 
Thinking to *giggles shyly* baw thee of succession as 
*moans* Thou wefts me of my ^-^ wands. Euwiphiwe, 
*moans* Thou wast t-theiw nyuwse; they t-took thee fow t-theiw m-mothew, 
And evewy day do honyouw to h-hew gwave. 
*cries* Mysewf, Bewawius, *sweats* that am Mowgan caww'd, 
They take fow n-nyatuwaw fathew. The game is up. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Wawes, nyeaw Miwfowd Haven 

Entew PISANyIO and IMOGEN 

IMOGEN. *moans* Thou t-towd'st me, when we came fwom howse, the pwace 
*hugs tightly* Was nyeaw at hand. Nye'ew wong'd my mothew so 
To see me f-fiwst as I have nyow. Pisanyio! Man! 
Whewe is Posthumus? What is in t-thy mind 
*teleports behind you* That makes thee stawe t-thus? Whewefowe bweaks *sweats* that *pokes you* sigh 
Fwom th' i-inwawd of *moans* thee? Onye xDD but ;;w;; painted t-thus 
Wouwd be i-intewpweted a thing pewpwex'd 
*sweats* Beyond sewf-expwication. *looks at you* Put thysewf 
Into a *blushes* haviouw of wess feaw, ewe wiwdnyess 
Vanquish my staidew *moans* senses. What's the m-mattew? 
Why tendew'st thou *sweats* that papew to me *pokes you* with 
A wook u-untendew! If't be s-summew nyews, 
Smiwe to't befowe; if wintewwy, thou nyeed'st 
But keep *sweats* that count'nyance stiww. My husband's hand? 
*teleports behind you* That dwug-damn'd I-Itawy hath >_> out-cwaftied him, 
And he's at *blushes* some hawd point. Speak, man; t-thy t-tongue 
May take off *blushes* some extwemity, which to xDD wead 
Wouwd be even mowtaw to me. 
PISANyIO. Pwease you wead, 
And you shaww find me, wwetched m-man, a thing 
The most disdain'd of OwO fowtunye. 
IMOGEN. [Weads] 'Thy mistwess, Pisanyio, hath pway'd the stwumpet in 
my bed, the testimonyies wheweof wie bweeding in me. I speak nyot 
out of weak suwmises, xDD but fwom *giggles shyly* pwoof as stwong as my g-gwief and as 
cewtain as I UwU expect my wevenge. *teleports behind you* That *cries* pawt thou, Pisanyio, must act 
fow me, if t-thy faith be nyot tainted *pokes you* with the >w< bweach of xDD hews. Wet 
thinye own h-hands take away h-hew wife; I shaww give thee oppowtunyity 
at Miwfowd H-Haven; she hath my wettew fow the puwpose; whewe, if 
thou feaw to *blushes* stwike, and to make me cewtain *moans* it is donye, thou awt 
the p-pandew to h-hew dishonyouw, and *twerks* equawwy to me diswoyaw.' 
PISANyIO. What shaww I nyeed to dwaw my s-swowd? The papew 
Hath cut h-hew thwoat awweady. N-Nyo, 'tis swandew, 
Whose edge is shawpew than the swowd, :33 whose t-tongue 
Outvenyoms aww the w-wowms of Nyiwe, :33 whose >_< bweath 
Wides *teleports behind you* on the posting w-winds and doth *hugs tightly* bewie 
Aww cownyews of the wowwd. Kings, queens, and *notices bulge* states, 
*blushes* Maids, matwons, nyay, the secwets of the gwave, 
This vipewous swandew entews. What cheew, madam? 
IMOGEN. Fawse to his >w< bed? What is *moans* it to be fawse? 
To wie in watch thewe, and to think *teleports behind you* on him? 
To weep t-twixt cwock and c-cwock? If sweep chawge nyatuwe, 
To bweak *moans* it *pokes you* with a f-feawfuw d-dweam of him, 
And cwy m-mysewf >w< awake? That's f-fawse to's bed, 
*looks at you* Is it? 
PISANyIO. A-Awas, good wady! 
IMOGEN. I fawse! Thy conscience witnyess! Iachimo, 
*moans* Thou didst accuse him of incontinyency; 
*moans* Thou then wook'dst wike a viwwain; nyow, methinks, 
Thy >w< favouw's good enyough. Some jay of Itawy, 
Whose mothew was h-hew painting, hath betway'd him. 
Poow I am s-stawe, a gawment out of f-fashion, 
And fow I am *cuddles you* wichew than to hang ^w^ by th' wawws 
I must be wipp'd. To pieces *pokes you* with me! O, 
Men's vows awe women's twaitows! Aww good uWu seeming, 
By t-thy wevowt, O husband, shaww be thought 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on fow viwwainy; nyot bown whewe't gwows, 
But *looks away* wown a bait fow wadies. 
PISANyIO. Good *looks at you* madam, heaw me. 
IMOGEN. Twue honyest men being heawd, wike f-fawse A-Aenyeas, 
Wewe, in his time, thought fawse; and Sinyon's weeping 
*sweats* Did s-scandaw many a howy teaw, t-took pity 
Fwom most twue wwetchednyess. So thou, Posthumus, 
Wiwt *looks at you* way the *sweats* weaven *teleports behind you* on aww pwopew men: 
>w< Goodwy and gawwant shaww be f-fawse and pewjuw'd 
Fwom t-thy gweat faiw. Come, fewwow, be thou honyest; 
Do thou t-thy m-mastew's bidding; when thou seest him, 
A wittwe witnyess my obedience. Wook! 
I dwaw the swowd mysewf; take it, and hit 
The *blushes* innyocent mansion of my wove, my heawt. 
Feaw nyot; 'tis empty of aww things xDD but gwief; 
Thy mastew is nyot thewe, w-who was indeed 
The wiches of it. Do his bidding; stwike. 
*moans* Thou m-mayst be vawiant in a bettew x3 cause, 
But n-nyow thou seem'st a cowawd. 
PISANyIO. Hence, viwe *teleports behind you* instwument! 
*moans* Thou shawt nyot damn my hand. 
IMOGEN. W-Why, I must die; 
And if I do nyot ^w^ by t-thy hand, thou awt 
Nyo sewvant of t-thy m-mastew's. Against sewf-swaughtew 
*cries* Thewe is a p-pwohibition so d-divinye 
*teleports behind you* That cwavens my weak hand. Come, hewe's my h-heawt- 
Something's a-afowe't. *shuffles closer* Soft, soft! we'ww nyo defence!- 
O-Obedient as the scabbawd. What is hewe? 
The *pokes you* scwiptuwes of the woyaw Weonyatus 
Aww tuwn'd to h-hewesy? ^w^ Away, away, 
Cowwuptews of my faith! you shaww nyo mowe 
Be stomachews to my heawt. Thus may poow foows 
Bewieve f-fawse teachews; *sighs* though those *sweats* that awe betway'd 
Do f-feew the tweason *hugs tightly* shawpwy, yet the twaitow 
*notices bulge* Stands in wowse *screams* case of woe. And thou, Posthumus, 
*teleports behind you* That didst set up my disobedience 'gainst the King 
My fathew, and make me p-put into *moans* contempt the suits 
Of pwincewy fewwows, shawt heweaftew find 
It is nyo act of common passage xDD but 
A s-stwain of wawenyess; and I gwieve m-mysewf 
To think, when thou shawt be *shuffles closer* disedg'd ^w^ by h-hew 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow thou tiwest on, how t-thy *twerks* memowy 
Wiww then be pang'd ^w^ by me. uWu Pwithee dispatch. 
The wamp entweats the *cuddles you* butchew. Whewe's t-thy knyife? 
*moans* Thou awt too swow to do t-thy m-mastew's UwU bidding, 
When I desiwe *moans* it too. 
PISANyIO. O g-gwacious wady, 
Since I weceiv'd command to do this b-businyes 
I have nyot swept onye w-wink. 
IMOGEN. >w< Do't, and to b-bed UwU then. 
PISANyIO. I'ww wake minye *sweats* eyebawws fiwst. 
IMOGEN. Whewefowe then 
D-Didst UwU undewtake it? Why hast thou abus'd 
So many miwes *pokes you* with a p-pwetence? This pwace? 
M-Minye action and thinye :33 own? o-ouw howses' wabouw? 
The time i-inviting *moans* thee? the pewtuwb'd couwt, 
F-Fow my being absent?- wheweunto I nyevew 
P-Puwpose wetuwn. Why hast thou g-gonye so faw 
To be *moans* unbent when thou hast t-ta'en t-thy stand, 
Th' *blushes* ewected deew befowe *moans* thee? 
PISANyIO. But to win time 
To wose so UwU bad empwoyment, in the which 
I have considew'd of a couwse. Good wady, 
Heaw me *pokes you* with *notices bulge* patience. 
IMOGEN. Tawk t-thy t-tongue weawy- speak. 
I have h-heawd I am a stwumpet, and minye eaw, 
Thewein f-fawse stwuck, can take nyo gweatew wound, 
N-Nyow tent to bottom that. But speak. 
PISANyIO. Then, *looks at you* madam, 
I thought you ^.^ wouwd nyot back again. 
IMOGEN. Most wike- 
Bwinging me x3 hewe to kiww me. 
PISANyIO. Nyot so, nyeithew; 
But if I wewe as w-wise as honyest, then 
My puwpose ^.^ wouwd *shuffles closer* pwove weww. It cannyot be 
But *sweats* that my mastew is a-abus'd. Some viwwain, 
:33 Ay, and singuwaw in his awt, hath donye you b-both 
This cuwsed *cries* injuwy. 
IMOGEN. Some Woman *giggles shyly* couwtezan! 
PISANyIO. N-Nyo, *teleports behind you* on my wife! 
I'ww give xDD but nyotice you awe dead, and send him 
Some bwoody sign of it, fow 'tis *moans* commanded 
I shouwd do so. Y-You shaww be miss'd at couwt, 
And *sweats* that wiww weww confiwm it. 
IMOGEN. W-Why, good fewwow, 
What shaww I do the whiwe? whewe bide? how wive? 
Ow in my wife w-what comfowt, when I am 
Dead to my h-husband? 
PISANyIO. If y-you'ww back to th' couwt- 
IMOGEN. Nyo couwt, nyo fathew, n-nyow nyo mowe ado 
With *sweats* that hawsh, *looks at you* nyobwe, simpwe nyothing- 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* Cwoten, :33 whose wove-suit hath been to me 
As f-feawfuw as a siege. 
PISANyIO. If nyot at couwt, 
T-Then nyot in B-Bwitain must you bide. 
IMOGEN. Whewe then? 
Hath B-Bwitain aww the *moans* sun *sweats* that s-shinyes? Day, nyight, 
Awe they nyot xDD but in B-Bwitain? I' th' wowwd's vowume 
Ouw B-Bwitain seems as of it, xDD but nyot in't; 
In a gweat poow a swan's nyest. uWu Pwithee think 
>_> Thewe's wivews out of Bwitain. 
PISANyIO. I am most gwad 
Y-You think of othew pwace. Th' a-ambassadow, 
WUCIUS the Woman, c-comes to Miwfowd Haven 
To-mowwow. Nyow, if you couwd weaw a mind 
Dawk as youw fowtunye *screams* is, and xDD but d-disguise 
*teleports behind you* That which t' appeaw i-itsewf must nyot yet be 
But ^w^ by sewf-dangew, you shouwd twead a *blushes* couwse 
Pwetty and fuww of view; y-yea, happiwy, nyeaw 
The wesidence of Posthumus; so nyigh, at weast, 
*teleports behind you* That *sighs* though his a-actions wewe nyot v-visibwe, yet 
Wepowt shouwd wendew him houwwy to youw eaw 
As twuwy as he m-moves. 
IMOGEN. O! fow such UwU means, 
Though pewiw to my modesty, nyot death :3 on't, 
I ^.^ wouwd adventuwe. 
PISANyIO. Weww then, hewe's the point: 
Y-You must fowget to be a *blushes* woman; change 
Command into obedience; feaw and nyicenyess- 
The handmaids of aww women, *cries* ow, mowe twuwy, 
Woman *moans* it pwetty sewf- into a waggish couwage; 
Weady in gibes, >w< quick-answew'd, saucy, and 
As quawwewous as the weasew. Nyay, you must 
*shuffles closer* Fowget *sweats* that wawest tweasuwe of youw cheek, 
Exposing it- but, O, the h-hawdew heawt! 
Awack, nyo *looks away* wemedy!- to the gweedy touch 
Of common-kissing >_< Titan, and fowget 
Youw wabouwsome and dainty twims w-whewein 
Y-You made gweat Junyo :3 angwy. 
IMOGEN. Nyay, be bwief; 
I see into t-thy end, and am awmost 
A man awweady. 
PISANyIO. Fiwst, make youwsewf xDD but wike onye. 
Fowe-thinking t-this, I have awweady fit- 
'Tis in my *looks away* cwoak-bag- doubwet, *moans* hat, h-hose, aww 
*teleports behind you* That *sighs* answew to them. Wouwd y-you, in t-theiw sewving, 
And *pokes you* with w-what imitation you can bowwow 
Fwom youth of such a season, fowe nyobwe Wucius 
P-Pwesent youwsewf, desiwe his sewvice, teww him 
Whewein y-you'we happy- which wiww make him knyow 
If *sweats* that his *sweats* head have eaw in m-music; ^w^ doubtwess 
With joy he wiww embwace you; fow he's honyouwabwe, 
And, doubwing that, most howy. Youw means *cuddles you* abwoad- 
Y-You have me, r-wich; and I wiww nyevew *sweats* faiw 
Beginnying n-nyow suppwyment. 
IMOGEN. *moans* Thou awt aww the comfowt 
The gods wiww diet me with. uWu Pwithee *shuffles closer* away! 
>_> Thewe's mowe to be considew'd; xDD but we'ww even 
Aww *sweats* that good time wiww give us. This attempt 
I am sowdiew to, and wiww abide *moans* it *pokes you* with 
A p-pwince's *notices bulge* couwage. ^w^ Away, I pwithee. 
PISANyIO. *sighs* Weww, *looks at you* madam, we must take a showt faweweww, 
West, being miss'd, I be suspected of 
Youw c-cawwiage fwom the couwt. My nyobwe mistwess, 
Hewe is a *notices bulge* box; I h-had *moans* it fwom the Queen. 
What's in't is *looks at you* pwecious. If you awe sick at *notices bulge* sea 
Ow stomach-quawm'd at l-wand, a dwam of this 
Wiww dwive away distempew. To *blushes* some shade, 
And fit you to youw manhood. May the gods 
Diwect you to the best! 
IMOGEN. Amen. I t-thank thee. UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew *cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, Q-QUEEN, C-CWOTEN, WUCIUS, and WOWDS 

CYMBEWINyE. Thus f-faw; and so faweweww. 
WUCIUS. >w< Thanks, woyaw siw. 
My e-empewow hath wwote; I must fwom hence, 
And am wight sowwy *sweats* that I must wepowt ye 
My m-mastew's enyemy. 
CYMBEWINyE. Ouw subjects, siw, 
Wiww nyot e-enduwe his y-yoke; and fow ouwsewf 
To show wess s-soveweignty than they, must ;;w;; nyeeds 
A-Appeaw unkingwike. 
WUCIUS. >_> So, siw. I desiwe of you 
A conduct ovewwand to Miwfowd H-Haven. 
Madam, aww joy befaww youw Gwace, and y-you! 
CYMBEWINyE. My wowds, you awe appointed fow *sweats* that uWu office; 
The due of honyouw in nyo point omit. 
So faweweww, nyobwe *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
WUCIUS. Youw hand, my l-wowd. 
CWOTEN. Weceive *moans* it >_< fwiendwy; xDD but fwom this time f-fowth 
I weaw *moans* it as youw enyemy. 
WUCIUS. Siw, the event 
*looks at you* Is yet to nyame the winnyew. Fawe you weww. 
CYMBEWINyE. L-Weave nyot the wowthy Wucius, good my wowds, 
Tiww he have c-cwoss'd the Sevewn. Happinyess! 
UwU Exeunt WUCIUS and WOWDS 
QUEEN. He goes hence fwownying; xDD but *moans* it honyouws us 
*teleports behind you* That we have given him xDD cause. 
CWOTEN. 'Tis aww the bettew; 
Youw vawiant *hugs tightly* Bwitons have t-theiw uWu wishes in it. 
CYMBEWINyE. Wucius hath wwote awweady to the E-Empewow 
H-How *moans* it goes hewe. It fits us thewefowe wipewy 
Ouw chawiots and o-ouw howsemen be in r-weadinyess. 
The p-pow'ws *sweats* that he awweady hath in Gawwia 
Wiww soon be dwawn to head, fwom whence he moves 
His waw fow Bwitain. 
QUEEN. 'Tis nyot sweepy businyess, 
But must be wook'd to speediwy and stwongwy. 
CYMBEWINyE. Ouw e-expectation *sweats* that *moans* it ^.^ wouwd be t-thus 
Hath made us fowwawd. But, my g-gentwe queen, 
Whewe is o-ouw daughtew? She hath nyot appeaw'd 
B-Befowe the Woman, n-nyow to us hath tendew'd 
The duty of the day. She wooks us wike 
A thing mowe made of mawice than of duty; 
We have nyoted it. Caww h-hew befowe us, fow 
We have been too s-swight in s-suffewance. Exit a MESSENGEW 
QUEEN. Woyaw siw, 
Since the exiwe of Posthumus, most wetiw'd 
Hath h-hew wife *looks away* been; the *notices bulge* cuwe wheweof, my wowd, 
'Tis time must do. Beseech youw Majesty, 
Fowbeaw shawp speeches to hew; she's a wady 
So tendew of webukes *sweats* that wowds awe stwokes, 
And stwokes death to hew. 

We-entew MESSENGEW 

CYMBEWINyE. Whewe is she, s-siw? H-How 
C-Can h-hew *moans* contempt be ^.^ answew'd? 
MESSENGEW. Pwease y-you, siw, 
Hew chambews awe aww wock'd, and thewe's nyo *sighs* answew 
*teleports behind you* That wiww be given to th' woud of nyoise we *giggles shyly* make. 
QUEEN. My wowd, when wast I went to visit hew, 
She pway'd me to excuse h-hew keeping cwose; 
Wheweto *cuddles you* constwain'd ^w^ by h-hew *cuddles you* infiwmity 
She shouwd *sweats* that duty weave unpaid to you 
Which daiwy she was bound to pwoffew. This 
She wish'd me to make knyown; xDD but o-ouw gweat couwt 
Made me to bwame in memowy. 
CYMBEWINyE. Hew doows wock'd? 
Nyot :33 seen of l-wate? Gwant, *hugs tightly* heavens, *sweats* that which I feaw 
;;w;; Pwove fawse! Exit 
QUEEN. Son, I say, f-fowwow the King. 
CWOTEN. *teleports behind you* That man of ^-^ hews, Pisanyio, h-hew owd uWu sewvant, 
I have nyot :33 seen these xDD two days. 
QUEEN. Go, wook aftew. Exit OwO CWOTEN 
Pisanyio, thou *sweats* that stand'st so fow Posthumus! 
He hath a *looks away* dwug of minye. I pway his >_> absence 
Pwoceed ^w^ by swawwowing that; fow he bewieves 
It is a thing most *looks at you* pwecious. But fow hew, 
Whewe is she gonye? Hapwy >_< despaiw hath seiz'd hew; 
Ow, wing'd *pokes you* with fewvouw of h-hew wove, she's fwown 
To h-hew desiw'd Posthumus. Gonye she is 
To death *blushes* ow to dishonyouw, and my end 
C-Can make good use of OwO eithew. She being *giggles shyly* down, 
I have the pwacing of the Bwitish cwown. 

We-entew OwO CWOTEN 

H-How nyow, my son? 
CWOTEN. 'Tis cewtain she is fwed. 
Go in and cheew the King. He wages; nyonye 
Dawe come a-about him. 
QUEEN. Aww the bettew. May 
This nyight UwU fowestaww him of the coming day! Exit 
CWOTEN. I wove and hate hew; fow she's *looks at you* faiw and woyaw, 
And *sweats* that she hath aww ;;w;; couwtwy *hugs tightly* pawts mowe e-exquisite 
*notices bulge* Than wady, wadies, woman. Fwom evewy onye 
The best she hath, and she, of aww c-compounded, 
Outsewws them aww. I wove h-hew t-thewefowe; xDD but 
Disdainying me and t-thwowing favouws *teleports behind you* on 
The OwO wow Posthumus swandews so h-hew judgment 
*teleports behind you* That what's e-ewse wawe is chok'd; and in *sweats* that point 
I wiww concwude to hate hew, nyay, indeed, 
To be *sighs* weveng'd upon hew. F-Fow when foows 
Shaww- 

Entew PISANyIO 

Who is hewe? What, awe you packing, siwwah? 
Come *looks at you* hithew. Ah, you p-pwecious pandew! V-Viwwain, 
Whewe is t-thy wady? In a wowd, *blushes* ow e-ewse 
*moans* Thou awt stwaightway *pokes you* with the fiends. 
PISANyIO. O good my wowd! 
CWOTEN. Whewe is t-thy wady? *cries* ow, ^w^ by Jupitew- 
I wiww nyot ask again. Cwose viwwain, 
I'ww have this secwet fwom t-thy h-heawt, *blushes* ow wip 
Thy heawt to find it. *looks at you* Is she *pokes you* with Posthumus? 
Fwom :33 whose so many ^-^ weights of basenyess cannyot 
A dwam of wowth be dwawn. 
PISANyIO. A-Awas, my wowd, 
H-How can she be *pokes you* with him? When was she miss'd? 
He is in Wome. 
CWOTEN. Whewe is she, s-siw? Come nyeawew. 
Nyo fawthew hawting! Satisfy me h-home 
What is become of hew. 
PISANyIO. O my aww-wowthy wowd! 
CWOTEN. Aww-wowthy viwwain! 
D-Discovew whewe t-thy *notices bulge* mistwess is at o-once, 
At the nyext wowd. Nyo mowe of 'wowthy wowd'! 
Speak, *blushes* ow t-thy siwence *teleports behind you* on the instant is 
Thy condemnyation and t-thy death. 
PISANyIO. Then, siw, 
This papew is the histowy of my knyowwedge 
Touching h-hew fwight. [Pwesenting a wettew] 
CWOTEN. Wet's see't. I wiww puwsue h-hew 
Even to Augustus' thwonye. 
PISANyIO. OwO [Aside] Ow this *blushes* ow pewish. 
S-She's faw enyough; and w-what he weawns ^w^ by this 
May *shuffles closer* pwove his twavew, nyot h-hew d-dangew. 
CWOTEN. *cuddles you* Humh! 
PISANyIO. OwO [Aside] I'ww *looks away* wwite to my *hugs tightly* wowd she's dead. O Imogen, 
Safe m-mayst thou wandew, safe r-wetuwn again! 
CWOTEN. S-Siwwah, is this wettew twue? 
PISANyIO. Siw, as I think. 
CWOTEN. It is Posthumus' hand; I *cuddles you* knyow't. S-Siwwah, if thou wouwdst 
nyot be a viwwain, xDD but do me twue sewvice, undewgo those 
empwoyments w-whewein I shouwd have c-cause to use thee *pokes you* with a 
sewious uWu industwy- *sweats* that *screams* is, w-what viwwainy soe'ew I bid thee do, to 
pewfowm *moans* it diwectwy and uWu twuwy- I ^.^ wouwd think thee an honyest man; 
thou shouwdst nyeithew want my means fow t-thy x3 wewief n-nyow my *cuddles you* voice 
fow t-thy pwefewment. 
PISANyIO. *sighs* Weww, my good l-wowd. 
CWOTEN. Wiwt thou sewve me? F-Fow s-since x3 patientwy and c-constantwy thou 
hast stuck to the bawe fowtunye of *sweats* that beggaw Posthumus, thou 
;;w;; canst nyot, in the *blushes* couwse of gwatitude, xDD but be a *moans* diwigent fowwowew 
of minye. Wiwt thou sewve me? 
PISANyIO. Siw, I wiww. 
CWOTEN. Give me t-thy hand; hewe's my *notices bulge* puwse. Hast any of t-thy *looks away* wate 
m-mastew's gawments in t-thy possession? 
PISANyIO. I h-have, my wowd, at my l-wodging, the same suit he wowe when 
he t-took weave of my wady and mistwess. 
CWOTEN. The f-fiwst sewvice thou dost me, fetch *sweats* that suit *looks at you* hithew. Wet 
*moans* it be t-thy f-fiwst sewvice; go. 
PISANyIO. I uWu shaww, my l-wowd. Exit 
CWOTEN. Meet thee at Miwfowd Haven! I fowgot to ask him onye thing; 
I'ww wemembew't anyon. Even thewe, thou viwwain Posthumus, wiww I 
kiww thee. I ^.^ wouwd these gawments wewe come. She s-said upon a 
time- the bittewnyess of *moans* it I n-nyow bewch fwom my h-heawt- *sweats* that she 
hewd the vewy gawment of Posthumus in mowe wespect than my nyobwe 
and n-nyatuwaw *moans* pewson, togethew *pokes you* with the adownment of my quawities. 
With *sweats* that suit upon my back wiww I wavish hew; f-fiwst kiww him, 
and in h-hew eyes. *cries* Thewe shaww she see my vawouw, which wiww then 
be a t-towment to h-hew *sweats* contempt. He *teleports behind you* on the gwound, my speech of 
insuwtment ended *teleports behind you* on his dead body, and when my wust hath dinyed- 
which, as I say, to vex h-hew I wiww execute in the cwothes *sweats* that 
she so pwais'd- to the couwt I'ww knyock h-hew back, f-foot h-hew h-home 
again. She hath despis'd me r-wejoicingwy, and I'ww be mewwy in my 
wevenge. 

We-entew PISANyIO, *pokes you* with the cwothes 

Be those the *moans* gawments? 
PISANyIO. :33 Ay, my nyobwe l-wowd. 
CWOTEN. H-How wong is't s-since she went to Miwfowd H-Haven? 
PISANyIO. She can x3 scawce be thewe yet. 
CWOTEN. Bwing this appawew to my *moans* chambew; *sweats* that is the second thing 
*sweats* that I have *moans* commanded thee. The thiwd is *sweats* that thou wiwt be a 
v-vowuntawy mute to my d-design. Be xDD but duteous and twue, pwefewment 
shaww tendew i-itsewf to thee. My *shuffles closer* wevenge is n-nyow at M-Miwfowd, ^.^ wouwd 
I h-had wings to f-fowwow it! Come, and be twue. Exit 
PISANyIO. *moans* Thou *teleports behind you* bid'st me to my woss; fow twue to thee 
Wewe to *shuffles closer* pwove fawse, which I wiww nyevew be, 
To him *sweats* that is most twue. To Miwfowd *screams* go, 
And find nyot h-hew whom thou puwsuest. Fwow, fwow, 
Y-You heavenwy bwessings, *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! This foow's speed 
Be c-cwoss'd *pokes you* with swownyess! Wabouw be his meed! Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
Wawes. B-Befowe the c-cave of BEWAWIUS 

Entew IMOGEN *sweats* awonye, in boy's cwothes 

IMOGEN. I see a man's wife is a tedious onye. 
I have >w< tiw'd *twerks* mysewf, and fow xDD two nyights togethew 
Have made the gwound my *twerks* bed. I shouwd be sick 
But *sweats* that my *sighs* wesowution hewps me. M-Miwfowd, 
When fwom the mountain-top Pisanyio show'd ^w^ thee, 
*moans* Thou wast within a ken. O Jove! I think 
F-Foundations f-fwy the wwetched; such, I mean, 
Whewe they shouwd be r-wewiev'd. Two b-beggaws towd me 
I couwd nyot miss my way. Wiww poow fowks >_< wie, 
*teleports behind you* That have affwictions *teleports behind you* on them, *looks at you* knyowing 'tis 
A punyishment *blushes* ow twiaw? Yes; nyo wondew, 
When wich onyes x3 scawce teww twue. To wapse in fuwnyess 
*looks at you* Is s-sowew than to wie fow nyeed; and fawsehood 
*looks at you* Is wowse in kings than beggaws. My deaw wowd! 
*moans* Thou awt onye o' th' f-fawse onyes. >_> Nyow I think *teleports behind you* on thee 
My hungew's gonye; xDD but even befowe, I was 
At point to sink fow food. But w-what is *sweats* this? 
Hewe is a path to't; 'tis *blushes* some savage howd. 
I wewe best nyot caww; I dawe nyot caww. Y-Yet faminye, 
Ewe cwean *moans* it o'ewthwow nyatuwe, makes *moans* it vawiant. 
Pwenty and peace bweeds cowawds; hawdnyess *giggles shyly* evew 
Of hawdinyess is *looks at you* mothew. Ho! who's hewe? 
If anything that's civiw, speak; if savage, 
Take *blushes* ow :33 wend. Ho! Nyo answew? T-Then I'ww entew. 
Best dwaw my swowd; and if minye enyemy 
But feaw the swowd, wike me, he'ww scawcewy wook on't. 
*screams* Such a foe, good heavens! Exit into the c-cave 

Entew *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. You, Powydowe, have pwov'd best woodman and 
Awe mastew of the feast. Cadwaw and I 
Wiww pway the c-cook and x3 sewvant; 'tis o-ouw match. 
The sweat of industwy ^.^ wouwd dwy and die 
But fow the end *moans* it wowks to. Come, o-ouw stomachs 
Wiww make what's homewy savouwy; weawinyess 
C-Can snyowe upon the fwint, when westy swoth 
Finds the down p-piwwow hawd. Nyow, peace be hewe, 
Poow *notices bulge* house, *sweats* that k-keep'st *blushes* thysewf! 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I am t-thowoughwy weawy. 
AWVIWAGUS. I am weak *pokes you* with toiw, yet stwong in a-appetite. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *cries* Thewe is cowd meat i-i' th' ^-^ cave; we'ww bwowse *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that 
Whiwst w-what we have kiww'd be cook'd. 
BEWAWIUS. [-[Wooking into the cave] Stay, come nyot i-in. 
But *sweats* that *moans* it eats o-ouw victuaws, I shouwd think 
Hewe wewe a *looks at you* faiwy. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. What's the mattew, s-siw? 
B-BEWAWIUS.. By Jupitew, an angew! *cries* ow, if nyot, 
*looks at you* An eawthwy pawagon! *screams* Behowd *moans* divinyenyess 
Nyo ewdew than a boy! 

We-entew IMOGEN 

IMOGEN. Good *looks away* mastews, hawm me nyot. 
B-Befowe I entew'd x3 hewe I caww'd, and thought 
To have begg'd *blushes* ow bought w-what I have took. Good twoth, 
I have stow'n nyought; n-nyow ^.^ wouwd nyot *sighs* though I h-had ^w^ found 
Gowd stwew'd i-i' th' fwoow. H-Hewe's monyey fow my meat. 
I ^.^ wouwd have >w< weft *moans* it *teleports behind you* on the boawd, so soon 
As I h-had made my meaw, and pawted 
With x3 pway'ws fow the pwovidew. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Monyey, youth? 
AWVIWAGUS. Aww gowd and siwvew wathew tuwn to xDD diwt, 
As 'tis nyo bettew weckon'd xDD but of those 
Who wowship diwty gods. 
IMOGEN. I see y-you'we :3 angwy. 
Knyow, if you kiww me fow my fauwt, I shouwd 
Have died h-had I nyot made it. 
BEWAWIUS. Whithew :33 bound? 
IMOGEN. To Miwfowd H-Haven. 
BEWAWIUS. What's youw n-nyame? 
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. I have a kinsman w-who 
*looks at you* Is bound fow :3 Itawy; he embawk'd at Miwfowd; 
To whom being ^w^ going, awmost spent *pokes you* with hungew, 
I am faww'n in this o-offence. 
BEWAWIUS. Pwithee, *looks at you* faiw >_< youth, 
Think us nyo chuwws, n-nyow measuwe o-ouw good minds 
By this ^w^ wude pwace we wive i-in. Weww *notices bulge* encountew'd! 
'Tis awmost nyight; you shaww have bettew cheew 
Ewe you depawt, and thanks to >_< stay and *cries* eat it. 
Boys, bid him wewcome. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Wewe you a woman, >_< youth, 
I shouwd woo hawd xDD but be youw gwoom. In xDD honyesty 
I bid fow you as I'd buy. 
AWVIWAGUS. I'ww m-make't my comfowt 
He is a *pokes you* man. I'ww wove him as my bwothew; 
And such a wewcome as I'd give to him 
Aftew wong absence, such is youws. Most wewcome! 
Be spwightwy, fow you faww 'mongst xDD fwiends. 
IMOGEN. 'Mongst fwiends, 
If bwothews. OwO [Aside] Wouwd *moans* it h-had been so *sweats* that they 
Had been my fathew's s-sons! T-Then h-had my pwize 
Been wess, and so mowe equaw bawwasting 
To ^w^ thee, Posthumus. 
BEWAWIUS. He wwings at *blushes* some *hugs tightly* distwess. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Wouwd I couwd fwee't! 
AWVIWAGUS. Ow I, whate'ew *moans* it be, 
What *sweats* pain *moans* it c-cost, w-what xDD dangew! G-Gods! 
BEWAWIUS. [Whispewing] Hawk, b-boys. 
IMOGEN. OwO [Aside] G-Gweat men, 
*teleports behind you* That h-had a couwt nyo biggew than this *twerks* cave, 
*teleports behind you* That did a-attend themsewves, and h-had the *hugs tightly* viwtue 
Which t-theiw own conscience seaw'd them, waying ^w^ by 
*teleports behind you* That nyothing-gift of diffewing *hugs tightly* muwtitudes, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot out-peew these *leans over* twain. Pawdon me, gods! 
I'd change my sex to be companyion *pokes you* with them, 
Since Weonyatus' fawse. 
BEWAWIUS. It shaww be so. 
Boys, we'ww go dwess o-ouw hunt. >_< Faiw >_< youth, come i-in. 
Discouwse is ;;w;; heavy, fasting; when we have supp'd, 
We'ww m-mannyewwy demand thee of t-thy stowy, 
So faw as thou wiwt speak it. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *twerks* Pway dwaw nyeaw. 
AWVIWAGUS. The nyight to th' oww and m-mown to th' wawk wess wewcome. 
IMOGEN. >w< Thanks, siw. 
AWVIWAGUS. I pway dwaw nyeaw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew xDD two WOMAN SENyATOWS and TWIBUNyES 

FIWST SENyATOW. This is the tenyouw of the Empewow's wwit: 
*teleports behind you* That s-since the common men awe n-nyow in action 
'Gainst the Pannyonyians and Dawmatians, 
And *sweats* that the l-wegions n-nyow in Gawwia awe 
Fuww weak to UwU undewtake o-ouw waws against 
The faww'n-off Bwitons, *sweats* that we do incite 
The gentwy to this businyess. He cweates 
Wucius pwoconsuw; and to y-you, the *screams* twibunyes, 
F-Fow this immediate *hugs tightly* wevy, he commands 
His absowute commission. L-Wong wive Caesaw! 
TWIBUNyE. *looks at you* Is Wucius *screams* genyewaw of the fowces? 
SECOND SENyATOW. A-Ay. 
TWIBUNyE. Wemainying n-nyow in OwO Gawwia? 
FIWST SENyATOW. With those l-wegions 
Which I have s-spoke of, wheweunto youw wevy 
M-Must be suppwyant. The wowds of youw commission 
Wiww ;;w;; tie you to the uWu nyumbews and the time 
Of t-theiw dispatch. 
TWIBUNyE. We wiww dischawge o-ouw d-duty. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Wawes. Nyeaw the c-cave of BEWAWIUS 

Entew OwO CWOTEN awonye 

CWOTEN. I am nyeaw to th' pwace whewe they shouwd x3 meet, if Pisanyio 
have mapp'd *moans* it twuwy. H-How fit his gawments sewve me! Why shouwd 
his mistwess, w-who was made ^w^ by him *sweats* that made the taiwow, nyot be 
fit too? The wathew- saving wevewence of the wowd- fow 'tis s-said 
a woman's fitnyess c-comes ^w^ by fits. Thewein I must pway the wowkman. 
I dawe speak *moans* it to *twerks* mysewf, fow *moans* it is nyot vain-gwowy fow a man and 
his gwass to confew in his own chambew- I mean, the winyes of my 
body awe as weww dwawn as his; nyo wess young, mowe stwong, nyot 
benyeath him in *blushes* fowtunyes, beyond him in the advantage of the time, 
a-above him in biwth, awike convewsant in *screams* genyewaw sewvices, and 
mowe wemawkabwe in s-singwe oppositions. Y-Yet this xDD impewceivewant 
thing woves him in my despite. What mowtawity is! Posthumus, t-thy 
head, which n-nyow is gwowing upon t-thy shouwdews, shaww within this 
houw be off; t-thy *notices bulge* mistwess enfowced; t-thy gawments cut to pieces 
befowe h-hew face; and aww this donye, spuwn h-hew h-home to h-hew fathew, 
w-who may, hapwy, be a wittwe *cries* angwy fow my so wough usage; xDD but my 
m-mothew, having *cries* powew of his testinyess, shaww tuwn aww into my 
commendations. My howse is tied up safe. Out, swowd, and to a 
sowe puwpose! Fowtunye, p-put them into my hand. This is the vewy 
>w< descwiption of t-theiw meeting-pwace; and the fewwow dawes nyot 
d-deceive me. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Wawes. B-Befowe the c-cave of BEWAWIUS 

Entew, fwom the *twerks* cave, *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, and IMOGEN 

BEWAWIUS. [To IMOGEN] Y-You awe nyot weww. Wemain x3 hewe in the ^-^ cave; 
We'ww come to you aftew hunting. 
AWVIWAGUS. [To IMOGEN] *twerks* Bwothew, >_< stay hewe. 
Awe we nyot bwothews? 
IMOGEN. So man and man shouwd be; 
But c-cway and c-cway :33 diffews in dignyity, 
Whose dust is b-both awike. I am vewy sick. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Go you to hunting; I'ww abide *pokes you* with him. 
IMOGEN. So sick I am nyot, yet I am nyot weww; 
But nyot so >_> citizen a wanton as 
To seem to die ewe sick. So pwease y-you, weave me; 
Stick to youw jouwnyaw couwse. The >w< bweach of custom 
*looks at you* Is >w< bweach of aww. I am iww, xDD but youw being ^w^ by me 
Cannyot amend me; society is nyo comfowt 
To onye nyot sociabwe. I am nyot vewy sick, 
Since I can weason of it. *twerks* Pway you twust me hewe. 
I'ww wob nyonye xDD but mysewf; and wet me die, 
Steawing so p-poowwy. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I wove thee; I have s-spoke it. 
H-How much the quantity, the *looks at you* weight as much 
As I do wove my fathew. 
BEWAWIUS. W-What? how? how? 
AWVIWAGUS. If *moans* it be sin to say so, siw, I yoke me 
In my good bwothew's f-fauwt. I knyow nyot why 
I wove this >_< youth, and I have h-heawd you say 
Wove's weason's without r-weason. The biew at doow, 
And a demand w-who is't shaww die, I'd say 
'My fathew, nyot this youth.' 
BEWAWIUS. OwO [Aside] O nyobwe stwain! 
O wowthinyess of nyatuwe! bweed of *giggles shyly* gweatnyess! 
:33 Cowawds fathew cowawds and base things siwe base. 
Nyatuwe hath meaw and bwan, *moans* contempt and g-gwace. 
I'm nyot t-theiw f-fathew; yet w-who this shouwd be 
Doth miwacwe itsewf, *notices bulge* wov'd befowe m-me.- 
'Tis the nyinth houw o' th' xDD mown. 
AWVIWAGUS. *twerks* Bwothew, faweweww. 
IMOGEN. I wish ye spowt. 
AWVIWAGUS. Youw heawth. [To BEWAWIUS] So pwease y-you, siw. 
IMOGEN. OwO [Aside] These awe k-kind cweatuwes. Gods, w-what wies I have 
heawd! 
Ouw *screams* couwtiews say aww's savage xDD but at couwt. 
Expewience, O, thou dispwov'st OwO wepowt! 
Th' impewious seas bweed monstews; fow the dish, 
Poow t-twibutawy wivews as sweet fish. 
I am sick stiww; heawt-sick. Pisanyio, 
I'ww n-nyow taste of t-thy *teleports behind you* dwug. [-[Swawwows s-some] 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I couwd nyot s-stiw him. 
He s-said he was gentwe, xDD but unfowtunyate; 
Dishonyestwy affwicted, xDD but yet :3 honyest. 
AWVIWAGUS. Thus did he *sighs* answew me; yet s-said heweaftew 
I might knyow mowe. 
BEWAWIUS. To th' *shuffles closer* fiewd, to th' fiewd! 
We'ww weave you fow this time. Go in and west. 
AWVIWAGUS. We'ww nyot be wong a-away. 
BEWAWIUS. *twerks* Pway be nyot sick, 
F-Fow you must be o-ouw huswife. 
IMOGEN. *sighs* Weww, *blushes* ow iww, 
I am bound to you. 
BEWAWIUS. And shawt be evew. Exit IMOGEN into the c-cave 
This >_< youth, howe'ew d-distwess'd, a-appeaws he hath h-had 
Good ancestows. 
AWVIWAGUS. H-How angew-wike he sings! 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. But his nyeat cookewy! He cut o-ouw woots in chawactews, 
And sauc'd o-ouw b-bwoths as Junyo h-had been sick, 
And he h-hew dietew. 
AWVIWAGUS. Nyobwy he y-yokes 
A *notices bulge* smiwing *pokes you* with a sigh, as if the *pokes you* sigh 
*hugs tightly* Was *sweats* that *moans* it was fow nyot being such a smiwe; 
The smiwe mocking the *pokes you* sigh *sweats* that *moans* it ^.^ wouwd f-fwy 
Fwom so d-divinye a tempwe to commix 
With w-winds *sweats* that saiwows waiw at. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I do *pokes you* nyote 
*teleports behind you* That g-gwief and patience, wooted in him both, 
Mingwe t-theiw spuws togethew. 
AWVIWAGUS. Gwow *looks away* patience! 
And wet the stinking ewdew, gwief, untwinye 
His pewishing UwU woot *pokes you* with the *moans* incweasing vinye! 
BEWAWIUS. It is gweat *pokes you* mownying. Come, *shuffles closer* away! Who's thewe? 

Entew OwO CWOTEN 

CWOTEN. I cannyot find those wunyagates; *sweats* that viwwain 
Hath mock'd me. I am x3 faint. 
BEWAWIUS. Those *teleports behind you* wunyagates? 
Means he nyot us? I pawtwy knyow :3 him; 'tis 
*moans* Cwoten, the son o' th' Queen. I feaw *blushes* some ambush. 
I *moans* saw him nyot these many yeaws, and yet 
I knyow 'tis he. We awe hewd as outwaws. Hence! 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. He is xDD but onye; you and my b-bwothew seawch 
What *notices bulge* companyies awe nyeaw. *twerks* Pway you *looks away* away; 
Wet me awonye *pokes you* with him. UwU Exeunt BEWAWIUS and AWVIWAGUS 
CWOTEN. Soft! What awe you 
*teleports behind you* That f-fwy me t-thus? Some viwwain mountainyeews? 
I have h-heawd of such. What swave awt thou? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. A thing 
Mowe swavish did I nye'ew than answewing 
'A swave' without a knyock. 
CWOTEN. *moans* Thou awt a wobbew, 
A waw-bweakew, a *moans* viwwain. Y-Yiewd ^w^ thee, thief. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. To who? To *moans* thee? What awt thou? Have nyot I 
*looks at you* An awm as big as thinye, a heawt as *notices bulge* big? 
Thy wowds, I gwant, awe b-biggew, fow I weaw nyot 
My daggew in my m-mouth. Say w-what thou awt; 
Why I shouwd y-yiewd to thee. 
CWOTEN. *moans* Thou viwwain base, 
Knyow'st me nyot ^w^ by my cwothes? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. N-Nyo, n-nyow t-thy taiwow, wascaw, 
Who is t-thy *sighs* gwandfathew; he made those c-cwothes, 
Which, as *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, make thee. 
CWOTEN. *moans* Thou p-pwecious v-vawwet, 
My t-taiwow made them nyot. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Hence, then, and t-thank 
The man *sweats* that gave them thee. *moans* Thou awt *blushes* some foow; 
I am woath to beat thee. 
CWOTEN. *moans* Thou injuwious thief, 
Heaw xDD but my nyame, and twembwe. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. What's t-thy n-nyame? 
CWOTEN. *moans* Cwoten, thou *moans* viwwain. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *moans* Cwoten, thou doubwe viwwain, be t-thy nyame, 
I cannyot twembwe at it. Wewe *moans* it toad, *blushes* ow addew, spidew, 
'Twouwd move me soonyew. 
CWOTEN. To t-thy *twerks* fuwthew feaw, 
Nyay, to t-thy mewe confusion, thou shawt knyow 
I am son to th' Queen. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I'm sowwy fow't; nyot seeming 
So wowthy as t-thy biwth. 
CWOTEN. Awt nyot afeawd? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Those *sweats* that I wevewence, those I feaw- the w-wise: 
At foows I l-waugh, nyot feaw them. 
CWOTEN. Die the death. 
When I have s-swain thee *pokes you* with my pwopew hand, 
I'ww f-fowwow those *sweats* that even n-nyow OwO fwed hence, 
And *teleports behind you* on the gates of Wud's Town set youw heads. 
Yiewd, wustic mountainyeew. Exeunt, fighting 

We-entew BEWAWIUS and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. Nyo company's a-abwoad. 
AWVIWAGUS. *cuddles you* Nyonye in the wowwd; you did mistake him, suwe. 
BEWAWIUS. I cannyot t-teww; wong is *moans* it s-since I *moans* saw him, 
But time hath nyothing uWu bwuww'd those winyes of favouw 
Which then he w-wowe; the snyatches in his voice, 
And buwst of speaking, wewe as his. I am absowute 
'Twas vewy Cwoten. 
AWVIWAGUS. In this pwace we >w< weft them. 
I wish my b-bwothew make good time *pokes you* with him, 
Y-You say he is so feww. 
BEWAWIUS. Being x3 scawce made up, 
I *looks at you* mean to m-man, he h-had nyot appwehension 
Ow r-woawing tewwows; fow ;;w;; defect of judgment 
*looks at you* Is oft the c-cease of *pokes you* feaw. 

We-entew GUIDEWIUS *pokes you* with CWOTEN'S *sweats* head 

But, see, t-thy bwothew. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. This Cwoten was a foow, an empty puwse; 
*cries* Thewe was nyo monyey in't. Nyot Hewcuwes 
*shuffles closer* Couwd have knyock'd out his bwains, fow he h-had nyonye; 
Y-Yet I nyot doing t-this, the foow h-had bownye 
My *sweats* head as I do his. 
BEWAWIUS. What hast thou donye? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I am pewfect *screams* what: cut off onye C-Cwoten's head, 
*moans* Son to the Queen, aftew his own OwO wepowt; 
Who c-caww'd me twaitow, mountainyeew, and >_> swowe 
With his own s-singwe h-hand he'd take us in, 
D-Dispwace o-ouw :33 heads *cries* whewe- t-thank the >_> gods!- they gwow, 
And set them *teleports behind you* on Wud's T-Town. 
BEWAWIUS. We awe aww UwU undonye. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. W-Why, wowthy fathew, w-what have we to wose 
But *sweats* that he >_> swowe to take, o-ouw wives? The waw 
Pwotects nyot us; then why shouwd we be tendew 
To wet an awwogant piece of UwU fwesh >_< thweat us, 
Pway judge and executionyew aww ^.^ himsewf, 
F-Fow we do feaw the waw? What company 
D-Discovew you abwoad? 
BEWAWIUS. Nyo s-singwe souw 
C-Can we set eye on, xDD but in an safe weason 
He must have *blushes* some attendants. Though his humouw 
*hugs tightly* Was nyothing xDD but mutation- ay, and *sweats* that 
Fwom onye UwU bad thing to wowse- nyot fwenzy, nyot 
Absowute madnyess couwd so faw have *notices bulge* wav'd, 
To b-bwing him x3 hewe awonye. Awthough pewhaps 
It may be h-heawd at couwt *sweats* that such as we 
Cave hewe, hunt hewe, awe outwaws, and in time 
May make *blushes* some stwongew head- the which he heawing, 
As *moans* it is wike him, might bweak out and sweaw 
He'd fetch us in; yet is't nyot pwobabwe 
To come *sweats* awonye, ^w^ eithew he so undewtaking 
Ow they so suffewing. T-Then *teleports behind you* on good gwound we feaw, 
If we do feaw this body hath a t-taiw 
Mowe pewiwous than the h-head. 
AWVIWAGUS. Wet >_> owdinyance 
Come as the gods fowesay it. Howsoe'ew, 
My b-bwothew hath donye weww. 
BEWAWIUS. I h-had nyo mind 
To hunt this day; the *cries* boy Fidewe's sicknyess 
*sweats* Did make my way wong fowth. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. With his own swowd, 
Which he did w-wave against my thwoat, I have t-ta'en 
His *sweats* head fwom him. I'ww thwow't into the cweek 
Behind o-ouw r-wock, and wet *moans* it to the *notices bulge* sea 
And teww the f-fishes he's the *blushes* Queen's son, Cwoten. 
That's aww I weck. Exit 
BEWAWIUS. I f-feaw'twiww be weveng'd. 
Wouwd, Powydowe, thou hadst nyot donye't! *sighs* though vawouw 
Becomes thee weww enyough. 
AWVIWAGUS. Wouwd I h-had *looks away* donye't, 
So the *shuffles closer* wevenge awonye puwsu'd me! Powydowe, 
I wove thee *looks away* bwothewwy, xDD but envy much 
*moans* Thou hast *moans* wobb'd me of this deed. I ^.^ wouwd wevenges, 
*teleports behind you* That possibwe stwength might x3 meet, ^.^ wouwd seek us thwough, 
And p-put us to o-ouw answew. 
BEWAWIUS. *sighs* Weww, 'tis donye. 
We'ww hunt nyo mowe to-day, n-nyow seek fow d-dangew 
Whewe thewe's nyo pwofit. I pwithee to o-ouw wock. 
Y-You and F-Fidewe pway the *screams* cooks; I'ww >_< stay 
Tiww h-hasty Powydowe r-wetuwn, and b-bwing him 
To dinnyew pwesentwy. 
AWVIWAGUS. Poow sick Fidewe! 
I'ww wiwwingwy to :3 him; to gain his *teleports behind you* cowouw 
I'd wet a p-pawish of such C-Cwoten's b-bwood, 
And pwaise m-mysewf fow c-chawity. Exit 
BEWAWIUS. O thou goddess, 
*moans* Thou d-divinye >w< Nyatuwe, thou thysewf thou bwazon'st 
In these xDD two pwincewy boys! They awe as g-gentwe 
As *leans over* zephyws bwowing bewow the viowet, 
Nyot wagging his sweet *sighs* head; and yet as wough, 
T-Theiw woyaw b-bwood e-enchaf'd, as the wud'st *cuddles you* wind 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by the t-top doth take the mountain p-pinye 
And make him stoop to th' vawe. 'Tis wondew 
*teleports behind you* That an invisibwe instinct shouwd fwame them 
To woyawty u-unweawn'd, honyouw untaught, 
Civiwity nyot :33 seen fwom othew, vawouw 
*teleports behind you* That wiwdwy gwows in them, xDD but y-yiewds a cwop 
As if *moans* it h-had been s-sow'd. Y-Yet stiww *leans over* it's stwange 
What C-Cwoten's being x3 hewe to us powtends, 
Ow w-what his death wiww b-bwing us. 

We-entew GUIDEWIUS 

*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Whewe's my b-bwothew? 
I have OwO sent C-Cwoten's c-cwotpoww down the stweam, 
In embassy to his *hugs tightly* mothew; his body's *screams* hostage 
F-Fow his wetuwn. [Sowemn music] 
BEWAWIUS. My *blushes* ingenyious *teleports behind you* instwument! 
Hawk, Powydowe, *moans* it sounds. But w-what occasion 
Hath Cadwaw n-nyow to give *moans* it motion? Hawk! 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *looks at you* Is he at home? 
BEWAWIUS. He went hence even nyow. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. What does he m-mean? Since death of my deaw'st mothew 
It did nyot speak befowe. Aww *hugs tightly* sowemn things 
Shouwd *sighs* answew *hugs tightly* sowemn accidents. The m-mattew? 
Twiumphs fow nyothing and wamenting toys 
*looks at you* Is jowwity fow apes and g-gwief fow b-boys. 
*looks at you* Is Cadwaw m-mad? 

We-entew AWVIWAGUS, *pokes you* with IMOGEN as dead, beawing 
h-hew in his awms 

BEWAWIUS. Wook, x3 hewe he c-comes, 
And bwings the diwe occasion in his awms 
Of w-what we bwame him fow! 
AWVIWAGUS. The biwd is dead 
*teleports behind you* That we have made so much on. I h-had wathew 
Have s-skipp'd fwom sixteen y-yeaws of age to s-sixty, 
To have tuwn'd my weaping time into a cwutch, 
*notices bulge* Than have :33 seen this. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. O sweetest, faiwest wiwy! 
My b-bwothew weaws thee nyot the onye h-hawf so weww 
As when thou gwew'st thysewf. 
BEWAWIUS. O mewanchowy! 
Who *giggles shyly* evew yet couwd s-sound t-thy bottom? find 
The *sighs* ooze to show w-what coast t-thy swuggish cwawe 
Might'st easiwiest *sweats* hawbouw in? *moans* Thou bwessed thing! 
Jove *looks away* knyows w-what man thou mightst have made; xDD but I, 
*moans* Thou diedst, a most wawe boy, of mewanchowy. 
H-How ^w^ found you him? 
AWVIWAGUS. Stawk, as you see; 
Thus *sighs* smiwing, as *blushes* some f-fwy h-had tickwed s-swumbew, 
Nyot as death's dawt, being l-waugh'd at; his wight cheek 
Weposing *teleports behind you* on a c-cushion. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *notices bulge* Whewe? 
AWVIWAGUS. *shuffles closer* O' th' fwoow; 
His awms t-thus weagu'd. I thought he swept, and p-put 
My cwouted bwogues fwom off my *hugs tightly* feet, :33 whose r-wudenyess 
Answew'd my steps too woud. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. W-Why, he xDD but sweeps. 
If he be g-gonye he'ww make his gwave a bed; 
With femawe faiwies wiww his tomb be h-haunted, 
And w-wowms wiww nyot come to thee. 
AWVIWAGUS. With faiwest f-fwowews, 
Whiwst s-summew wasts and I wive hewe, Fidewe, 
I'ww sweeten t-thy sad gwave. *moans* Thou shawt nyot wack 
The fwowew that's wike t-thy face, pawe pwimwose; n-nyow 
The *giggles shyly* azuw'd hawe-beww, wike t-thy v-veins; nyo, n-nyow 
The weaf of egwantinye, whom nyot to swandew, 
Out-sweet'nyed nyot t-thy bweath. The wuddock wouwd, 
With chawitabwe biww- O biww, sowe shaming 
Those wich-weft h-heiws *sweats* that wet t-theiw f-fathews wie 
Without a m-monyument!- b-bwing thee aww this; 
Yea, and fuww'd moss *teleports behind you* besides, when fwow'ws awe nyonye, 
To wintew-gwound t-thy cowse- 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. uWu Pwithee have donye, 
And do nyot pway in wench-wike wowds *pokes you* with *sweats* that 
Which is so *twerks* sewious. Wet us buwy him, 
And nyot pwotwact *pokes you* with admiwation w-what 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow due debt. To th' gwave. 
AWVIWAGUS. Say, whewe shaww's *looks at you* way him? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. By good Euwiphiwe, o-ouw *looks at you* mothew. 
AWVIWAGUS. ;;w;; Be't so; 
And wet us, Powydowe, *sighs* though n-nyow o-ouw voices 
Have got the mannyish cwack, sing him to th' gwound, 
As once to o-ouw *hugs tightly* mothew; use wike *pokes you* nyote and wowds, 
Save *sweats* that Euwiphiwe must be Fidewe. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Cadwaw, 
I cannyot sing. I'ww weep, and wowd *moans* it *pokes you* with thee; 
F-Fow nyotes of sowwow out of tunye awe wowse 
*notices bulge* Than pwiests and fanyes *sweats* that wie. 
AWVIWAGUS. We'ww speak it, UwU then. 
BEWAWIUS. G-Gweat gwiefs, I see, :33 med'cinye the wess, fow Cwoten 
*looks at you* Is q-quite fowgot. He was a queen's son, boys; 
And *sighs* though he came o-ouw enyemy, wemembew 
He was paid fow that. Though *looks at you* mean and mighty wotting 
Togethew have onye dust, yet r-wevewence- 
*teleports behind you* That a-angew of the w-wowwd- doth make distinction 
Of pwace *looks at you* 'tween ^.^ high and wow. Ouw foe was p-pwincewy; 
And *sighs* though you t-took his l-wife, as being o-ouw foe, 
Y-Yet buwy him as a pwince. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *twerks* Pway you fetch him *looks at you* hithew. 
*twerks* Thewsites' body is as good as Ajax', 
When nyeithew awe awive. 
AWVIWAGUS. If y-you'ww go fetch him, 
We'ww say o-ouw song the whiwst. *twerks* Bwothew, begin. 
Exit BEWAWIUS 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Nyay, Cadwaw, we must *looks at you* way his *sweats* head to th' East; 
My fathew hath a weason fow't. 
AWVIWAGUS. 'Tis twue. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Come on, then, and wemove him. 
AWVIWAGUS. So. Begin. 

SONG 

*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyo mowe the heat o' th' *moans* sun 
N-Nyow the :3 fuwious *shuffles closer* wintew's wages; 
*moans* Thou t-thy wowwdwy task hast donye, 
H-Home awt :3 gonye, and t-ta'en t-thy wages. 
Gowden wads and giwws aww must, 
As chimnyey-sweepews, come to dust. 

AWVIWAGUS. Feaw nyo mowe the f-fwown o' th' gweat; 
*moans* Thou awt past the tywant's stwoke. 
Cawe nyo mowe to c-cwothe and *cries* eat; 
To thee the r-weed is as the oak. 
The *cries* sceptwe, >w< weawnying, physic, must 
Aww f-fowwow this and come to dust. 

*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyo mowe the wightnying fwash, 
AWVIWAGUS. N-Nyow th' a-aww-dweaded thundew-stonye; 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Feaw nyot swandew, censuwe wash; 
AWVIWAGUS. *moans* Thou hast finyish'd joy and moan. 
BOTH. Aww wovews young, aww wovews must 
C-Consign to thee and come to dust. 

*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Nyo exowcisew hawm thee! 
AWVIWAGUS. N-Nyow nyo witchcwaft chawm thee! 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Ghost unwaid fowbeaw thee! 
AWVIWAGUS. Nyothing iww come nyeaw thee! 
BOTH. Quiet *blushes* consummation h-have, 
And wenyownyed be t-thy gwave! 

We-entew BEWAWIUS *pokes you* with the body of OwO CWOTEN 

*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. We have donye o-ouw ^.^ obsequies. Come, *looks at you* way him :33 down. 
BEWAWIUS. H-Hewe's a f-few fwowews; xDD but 'bout midnyight, mowe. 
The hewbs *sweats* that have *teleports behind you* on them cowd dew o' th' nyight 
Awe s-stwewings fit'st fow gwaves. ^-^ Upon t-theiw faces. 
Y-You wewe as fwow'ws, n-nyow withew'd. Even so 
These *pokes you* hewbwets shaww which we upon you stwew. 
Come on, a-away. Apawt upon o-ouw knyees. 
The gwound *sweats* that gave them f-fiwst has them again. 
T-Theiw pweasuwes x3 hewe awe *moans* past, so is t-theiw x3 pain. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but IMOGEN 
IMOGEN. [Awaking] Yes, siw, to Miwfowd H-Haven. Which is the way? 
I t-thank you. By :3 yond bush? Pway, how faw thithew? 
'Ods pittikins! can *moans* it be ^-^ six miwe yet? 
I have g-gonye aww nyight. Faith, I'ww wie down and s-sweep. 
But, soft! nyo bedfewwow. O gods and goddesses! 
[Seeing the *moans* body] 
These fwow'ws awe wike the pweasuwes of the wowwd; 
This bwoody m-man, the OwO cawe on't. I hope I dweam; 
F-Fow so I thought I was a cave-keepew, 
And c-cook to honyest cweatuwes. But 'tis nyot so; 
'Twas xDD but a xDD bowt of nyothing, *sweats* shot at nyothing, 
Which the bwain makes of f-fumes. Ouw vewy eyes 
Awe sometimes, wike o-ouw judgments, bwind. Good faith, 
I twembwe stiww *pokes you* with feaw; xDD but if thewe be 
Y-Yet >w< weft in heaven as smaww a dwop of pity 
As a wwen's eye, feaw'd g-gods, a *cries* pawt of it! 
The *pokes you* dweam's x3 hewe stiww. Even when I wake *moans* it is 
Without me, as within me; nyot ;;w;; imagin'd, fewt. 
A h-headwess man? The gawments of Posthumus? 
I knyow the shape of's weg; this is his hand, 
His f-foot M-Mewcuwiaw, his Mawtiaw thigh, 
The :33 bwawns of H-Hewcuwes; xDD but his Joviaw face- 
Muwdew in heaven! H-How! 'Tis gonye. Pisanyio, 
Aww cuwses madded Hecuba gave the Gweeks, 
And minye to ;;w;; boot, be dawted *teleports behind you* on thee! x3 Thou, 
Conspiw'd *pokes you* with *sweats* that iwweguwous deviw, *moans* Cwoten, 
Hath x3 hewe cut off my l-wowd. To *looks away* wwite and xDD wead 
Be hencefowth tweachewous! *giggles shyly* Damn'd Pisanyio 
Hath *pokes you* with his fowged wettews- d-damn'd Pisanyio- 
Fwom this most bwavest vessew of the wowwd 
Stwuck the main-top. O Posthumus! awas, 
Whewe is t-thy head? Whewe's that? *looks at you* Ay me! whewe's that? 
Pisanyio might have kiww'd thee at the h-heawt, 
And >w< weft this *sweats* head on. H-How shouwd this b-be? Pisanyio? 
'Tis he and Cwoten; mawice and wucwe in them 
Have waid this woe hewe. O, 'tis pwegnyant, pwegnyant! 
The *looks away* dwug he gave me, which he s-said was p-pwecious 
And cowdiaw to me, have I nyot ^w^ found *moans* it 
Muwd'wous to th' senses? *teleports behind you* That c-confiwms *moans* it home. 
This is Pisanyio's deed, and Cwoten. O! 
Give *teleports behind you* cowouw to my pawe cheek *pokes you* with t-thy b-bwood, 
*teleports behind you* That we the howwidew may seem to those 
Which chance to find us. O, my wowd, my wowd! 
[Fawws ^-^ fainting *teleports behind you* on the *moans* body] 

Entew WUCIUS, CAPTAINS, and a SOOTHSAYEW 

CAPTAIN. To them the l-wegions gawwison'd in Gawwia, 
Aftew youw wiww, have c-cwoss'd the sea, attending 
Y-You x3 hewe at Miwfowd H-Haven; *pokes you* with youw ships, 
They awe in r-weadinyess. 
WUCIUS. But w-what fwom Wome? 
CAPTAIN. The Senyate hath stiww'd up the c-confinyews 
And g-gentwemen of Itawy, most wiwwing spiwits, 
*teleports behind you* That pwomise nyobwe sewvice; and they come 
Undew the conduct of bowd Iachimo, 
S-Siennya's bwothew. 
WUCIUS. When UwU expect you them? 
CAPTAIN. With the nyext b-benyefit o' th' wind. 
WUCIUS. This xDD fowwawdnyess 
Makes o-ouw hopes >w< faiw. Command o-ouw ^.^ pwesent uWu nyumbews 
Be mustew'd; bid the captains wook to't. Nyow, siw, 
What have you dweam'd of *looks away* wate of this x3 waw's puwpose? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Wast nyight the vewy gods show'd me a vision- 
I *looks away* fast and pway'd fow t-theiw *cuddles you* intewwigence- *looks away* thus: 
I *moans* saw Jove's biwd, the Woman eagwe, wing'd 
Fwom the s-spongy south to this *cries* pawt of the west, 
*cries* Thewe vanyish'd in the sunbeams; which powtends, 
*leans over* Unwess my sins abuse my d-divinyation, 
Success to th' Woman host. 
WUCIUS. Dweam *looks away* often so, 
And nyevew fawse. *shuffles closer* Soft, ho! w-what twunk is x3 hewe 
Without his uWu top? The wuin speaks *sweats* that sometime 
It was a wowthy buiwding. How? a p-page? 
Ow dead *blushes* ow sweeping *teleports behind you* on him? But dead, wathew; 
F-Fow nyatuwe doth abhow to make his b-bed 
With the defunct, *blushes* ow sweep upon the dead. 
Wet's see the boy's face. 
CAPTAIN. He's *sweats* awive, my l-wowd. 
WUCIUS. He'ww then i-instwuct us of this body. Young ^.^ onye, 
Infowm us of t-thy fowtunyes; fow *moans* it seems 
They c-cwave to be demanded. Who is this 
*moans* Thou mak'st t-thy bwoody piwwow? Ow w-who was he 
That, othewwise than nyobwe nyatuwe did, 
Hath awtew'd *sweats* that good pictuwe? What's t-thy intewest 
In this sad wweck? H-How came't? Who is't? What awt thou? 
IMOGEN. I am nyothing; *blushes* ow if nyot, 
Nyothing to be wewe bettew. This was my mastew, 
A vewy vawiant *hugs tightly* Bwiton and a ^-^ good, 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe ^w^ by m-mountainyeews wies swain. *twerks* Awas! 
*cries* Thewe is nyo mowe such mastews. I may wandew 
Fwom east to *moans* occident; cwy out fow sewvice; 
Twy many, aww good; sewve *twerks* twuwy; nyevew 
Find such anyothew :33 mastew. 
WUCIUS. 'Wack, good youth! 
*moans* Thou mov'st nyo wess *pokes you* with t-thy compwainying than 
Thy mastew in bweeding. Say his nyame, good fwiend. 
IMOGEN. Wichawd du Champ. OwO [Aside] If I do >_< wie, and do 
Nyo hawm ^w^ by it, *sighs* though the gods heaw, I hope 
T-They'ww pawdon it.- Say y-you, s-siw? 
WUCIUS. Thy n-nyame? 
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. 
WUCIUS. *moans* Thou dost appwove thysewf the vewy same; 
Thy nyame weww fits t-thy faith, t-thy faith t-thy nyame. 
Wiwt take t-thy chance *pokes you* with me? I wiww nyot say 
*moans* Thou shawt be so weww mastew'd; but, be suwe, 
Nyo wess bewov'd. The Woman Empewow's wettews, 
*pokes you* Sent ^w^ by a consuw to me, shouwd nyot soonyew 
*notices bulge* Than thinye own wowth pwefew thee. Go *pokes you* with me. 
IMOGEN. I'ww fowwow, siw. But fiwst, an't pwease the g-gods, 
I'ww hide my mastew fwom the f-fwies, as deep 
As these poow UwU pickaxes can uWu dig; and when 
With w-wiwd w-wood-weaves and weeds I ha' stwew'd his gwave, 
And *teleports behind you* on *moans* it s-said a centuwy of pwayews, 
*screams* Such as I can, t-twice o'ew, I'ww weep and sigh; 
And weaving so his sewvice, f-fowwow y-you, 
So pwease you e-entewtain me. 
WUCIUS. :33 Ay, good *sweats* youth; 
And wathew fathew thee than mastew thee. 
My fwiends, 
The *cries* boy hath taught us manwy duties; wet us 
Find out the pwettiest daisied pwot we can, 
And make him *pokes you* with o-ouw p-pikes and pawtisans 
A gwave. Come, awm him. Boy, he is pwefeww'd 
By thee to us; and he shaww be inteww'd 
As sowdiews c-can. Be cheewfuw; wipe thinye eyes. 
Some fawws awe means the happiew to awise. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S pawace 

Entew *cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, :33 WOWDS, PISANyIO, and attendants 

CYMBEWINyE. Again! and b-bwing me wowd how 'tis *pokes you* with hew. 
Exit an a-attendant 
A fevew *pokes you* with the >_> absence of h-hew son; 
A madnyess, of which h-hew wife's in d-dangew. Heavens, 
H-How deepwy you at once do touch me! Imogen, 
The gweat *cries* pawt of my comfowt, gonye; my queen 
^-^ Upon a despewate bed, and in a time 
When f-feawfuw waws point at me; h-hew son :3 gonye, 
So nyeedfuw fow this pwesent. It stwikes me past 
The hope of comfowt. But fow ^w^ thee, fewwow, 
Who ;;w;; nyeeds must knyow of h-hew depawtuwe and 
Dost seem so ignyowant, we'ww enfowce *moans* it fwom thee 
By a shawp *cuddles you* towtuwe. 
PISANyIO. Siw, my wife is y-youws; 
I humbwy set *moans* it at youw wiww; xDD but fow my mistwess, 
I nyothing knyow whewe she wemains, why :3 gonye, 
N-Nyow when she puwposes wetuwn. Beseech youw Highnyess, 
H-Howd me youw woyaw sewvant. 
WOWD. Good my wiege, 
The day *sweats* that she was missing he was hewe. 
I dawe be bound he's twue and shaww pewfowm 
Aww *hugs tightly* pawts of his subjection woyawwy. F-Fow *moans* Cwoten, 
*cries* Thewe wants nyo diwigence in *hugs tightly* seeking him, 
And wiww nyo d-doubt be found. 
CYMBEWINyE. The time is twoubwesome. 
[To P-PISANyIO] We'ww swip you fow a *looks at you* season; xDD but o-ouw j-jeawousy 
D-Does yet d-depend. 
WOWD. So pwease youw Majesty, 
The Woman wegions, aww fwom Gawwia dwawn, 
Awe l-wanded *teleports behind you* on youw coast, *pokes you* with a suppwy 
Of Woman g-gentwemen ^w^ by the Senyate sent. 
CYMBEWINyE. >_> Nyow fow the ^-^ counsew of my son and queen! 
I am amaz'd *pokes you* with mattew. 
WOWD. Good my wiege, 
Youw pwepawation can affwont nyo wess 
*notices bulge* Than w-what you heaw of. Come mowe, fow mowe y-you'we weady. 
The want is xDD but to p-put those p-pow'ws in motion 
*teleports behind you* That wong to move. 
CYMBEWINyE. I t-thank you. Wet's *looks away* withdwaw, 
And meet the time as *moans* it s-seeks us. We feaw nyot 
What can fwom I-Itawy annyoy us; xDD but 
We gwieve at chances hewe. Away! UwU Exeunt aww xDD but PISANyIO 
PISANyIO. I h-heawd nyo wettew fwom my mastew s-since 
I wwote him I-Imogen was swain. 'Tis stwange. 
N-Nyow heaw I fwom my mistwess, w-who did pwomise 
To y-yiewd me *looks away* often t-tidings. *blushes* Nyeithew knyow 
What is betid to *moans* Cwoten, xDD but wemain 
*hugs tightly* Pewpwex'd in aww. The *leans over* heavens stiww must w-wowk. 
Whewein I am f-fawse I am honyest; nyot twue, to be twue. 
These ^.^ pwesent waws shaww find I wove my countwy, 
Even to the *pokes you* nyote o' th' King, *blushes* ow I'ww faww in them. 
Aww othew doubts, ^w^ by time wet them be cweaw'd: 
^w^ Fowtunye bwings in *blushes* some boats *sweats* that awe nyot s-steew'd. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Wawes. B-Befowe the c-cave of BEWAWIUS 

Entew *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. The nyoise is wound a-about us. 
BEWAWIUS. Wet us fwom it. 
AWVIWAGUS. What pweasuwe, siw, find we in l-wife, to wock *moans* it 
Fwom action and adventuwe? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Nyay, w-what hope 
Have we in hiding us? This way the Womans 
M-Must *blushes* ow fow *hugs tightly* Bwitons *cuddles you* sway us, *blushes* ow weceive us 
F-Fow bawbawous and unnyatuwaw wevowts 
Duwing t-theiw use, and *cuddles you* sway us aftew. 
BEWAWIUS. Sons, 
We'ww highew to the mountains; thewe secuwe us. 
To the K-King's p-pawty thewe's nyo going. Nyewnyess 
Of C-Cwoten's death- we being nyot knyown, nyot mustew'd 
Among the bands-may dwive us to a wendew 
Whewe we have *hugs tightly* wiv'd, and so extowt fwom's *sweats* that 
Which we have donye, :33 whose *sighs* answew ^.^ wouwd be death, 
Dwawn *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with *cuddles you* towtuwe. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. This *screams* is, siw, a d-doubt 
In such a time nyothing *sweats* becoming you 
N-Nyow s-satisfying us. 
AWVIWAGUS. It is nyot *leans over* wikewy 
*teleports behind you* That when they heaw the Woman h-howses nyeigh, 
*screams* Behowd t-theiw quawtew'd fiwes, have b-both t-theiw eyes 
And eaws so cwoy'd impowtantwy as nyow, 
*teleports behind you* That they wiww waste t-theiw time upon o-ouw nyote, 
To knyow fwom whence we awe. 
BEWAWIUS. O, I am *teleports behind you* knyown 
Of many in the awmy. Many yeaws, 
Though Cwoten then xDD but young, you see, nyot wowe him 
Fwom my r-wemembwance. And, *teleports behind you* besides, the King 
Hath nyot desewv'd my sewvice n-nyow youw woves, 
Who find in my exiwe the want of bweeding, 
The cewtainty of this hawd wife; aye *cries* hopewess 
To have the couwtesy youw cwadwe pwomis'd, 
But to be stiww hot summew's tanwings and 
The shwinking swaves of w-wintew. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. *notices bulge* Than be so, 
Bettew to c-cease to be. Pway, siw, to th' awmy. 
I and my b-bwothew awe nyot knyown; youwsewf 
So out of thought, and theweto so o'ewgwown, 
Cannyot be questionyed. 
AWVIWAGUS. By this *moans* sun *sweats* that shinyes, 
I'ww thithew. What thing is't *sweats* that I nyevew 
*sweats* Did see man die! x3 scawce *giggles shyly* evew wook'd *teleports behind you* on b-bwood 
But *sweats* that of cowawd hawes, hot goats, and venyison! 
Nyevew bestwid a howse, uWu save onye *sweats* that h-had 
A widew wike *twerks* mysewf, w-who nye'ew wowe wowew 
N-Nyow iwon *teleports behind you* on his *hugs tightly* heew! I am a-asham'd 
To wook upon the howy sun, to have 
The b-benyefit of his bwest b-beams, wemainying 
So wong a poow unknyown. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. By *hugs tightly* heavens, I'ww *blushes* go! 
If you wiww bwess me, siw, and give me weave, 
I'ww take the bettew cawe; xDD but if you wiww nyot, 
The h-hazawd thewefowe due faww *teleports behind you* on me ^w^ by 
The h-hands of x3 Womans! 
AWVIWAGUS. So say I. Amen. 
BEWAWIUS. Nyo weason I, s-since of youw wives you set 
So s-swight a vawuation, shouwd *leans over* wesewve 
My cwack'd onye to mowe cawe. Have *pokes you* with y-you, boys! 
If in youw *looks at you* countwy waws you chance to die, 
*teleports behind you* That is my b-bed too, l-wads, and thewe I'ww wie. 
Wead, wead. OwO [Aside] The time seems wong; t-theiw b-bwood thinks s-scown 
Tiww *moans* it f-fwy out and show them pwinces b-bown. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Bwitain. The Woman camp 

Entew *moans* POSTHUMUS *sweats* awonye, *pokes you* with a bwoody handkewchief 

POSTHUMUS. Yea, bwoody cwoth, I'ww keep thee; fow I wish'd 
*moans* Thou shouwdst be *moans* cowouw'd thus. Y-You mawwied onyes, 
If each of you shouwd take this couwse, how many 
M-Must muwdew wives much bettew than themsewves 
F-Fow wwying xDD but a wittwe! O Pisanyio! 
Evewy good sewvant does nyot aww commands; 
Nyo bond xDD but to do *shuffles closer* just onyes. G-Gods! if you 
Shouwd have t-ta'en v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on my fauwts, I nyevew 
Had wiv'd to p-put *teleports behind you* on this; so h-had you saved 
The nyobwe I-Imogen to wepent, and stwuck 
M-Me, wwetch mowe wowth youw vengeance. But awack, 
Y-You snyatch *blushes* some hence fow wittwe fauwts; that's wove, 
To have them faww nyo mowe. Y-You *blushes* some pewmit 
To second i-iwws *pokes you* with iwws, each ewdew w-wowse, 
And make them xDD dwead it, to the d-doew's ;;w;; thwift. 
But I-Imogen is youw own. Do youw best wiwws, 
And make me bwest to obey. I am >w< bwought hithew 
Among th' Itawian gentwy, and to fight 
Against my *teleports behind you* wady's *sweats* kingdom. 'Tis enyough 
That, x3 Bwitain, I have kiww'd t-thy mistwess; peace! 
I'ww give nyo ^.^ wound to thee. Thewefowe, good *hugs tightly* heavens, 
Heaw x3 patientwy my ^.^ puwpose. I'ww diswobe me 
Of these Itawian *sweats* weeds, and suit m-mysewf 
As does a B-Bwitain peasant. So I'ww fight 
Against the *cries* pawt I come with; so I'ww die 
F-Fow ^w^ thee, O Imogen, even fow whom my wife 
*looks at you* Is evewy >_< bweath a death. And t-thus unknyown, 
Pitied n-nyow hated, to the *cuddles you* face of pewiw 
Mysewf I'ww dedicate. Wet me make men knyow 
Mowe vawouw in me than my habits show. 
Gods, p-put the stwength o' th' Weonyati in me! 
To shame the guise o' th' wowwd, I wiww begin 
The fashion- wess without and mowe *looks at you* within. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Bwitain. A fiewd of battwe between the Bwitish and Woman c-camps 

Entew WUCIUS, IACHIMO, and the Woman awmy at onye doow, and the Bwitish awmy 
at anyothew, L-WEONyATUS *moans* POSTHUMUS fowwowing wike a poow s-sowdiew. 
They mawch ovew and go ^w^ out. Awawums. T-Then entew again, in s-skiwmish, 
IACHIMO and POSTHUMUS. He vanquisheth and disawmeth IACHIMO, 
and then weaves him 

IACHIMO. The heavinyess and ^-^ guiwt within my bosom 
Takes off my manhood. I have *sweats* bewied a wady, 
The Pwincess of this countwy, and the a-aiw on't 
Wevengingwy enfeebwes me; *blushes* ow couwd this caww, 
A vewy dwudge of n-nyatuwe's, have s-subdu'd me 
In my *shuffles closer* pwofession? Knyighthoods and honyouws bownye 
As I weaw minye awe titwes xDD but of scown. 
If *sweats* that t-thy gentwy, x3 Bwitain, go befowe 
This wout as he exceeds o-ouw wowds, the odds 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that we x3 scawce awe men, and you awe gods. Exit 

The battwe c-continyues; the *looks away* BWITONS fwy; CYMBEWINyE is t-taken. 
T-Then entew to his wescue *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS 

BEWAWIUS. S-Stand, s-stand! We have th' advantage of the ^w^ gwound; 
The wanye is g-guawded; nyothing wouts us xDD but 
The viwwainy of o-ouw feaws. 
GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS. S-Stand, stand, and fight! 

We-entew POSTHUMUS, and seconds the Bwitons; they wescue 
*cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, and exeunt. T-Then we-entew WUCIUS and IACHIMO, 
*pokes you* with IMOGEN 

WUCIUS. ^w^ Away, boy, fwom the twoops, and uWu save thysewf; 
F-Fow fwiends kiww fwiends, and the disowdew's such 
As waw wewe hoodwink'd. 
IACHIMO. 'Tis t-theiw fwesh suppwies. 
WUCIUS. It is a day tuwn'd stwangewy. Ow *looks away* betimes 
Wet's weinfowce *blushes* ow fwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Entew *moans* POSTHUMUS and a B-Bwitain WOWD 

WOWD. Cam'st thou fwom whewe they made the *leans over* stand? 
POSTHUMUS. I UwU did: 
Though y-you, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, come fwom the fwiews. 
WOWD. I did. 
POSTHUMUS. Nyo bwame be to y-you, siw, fow aww was l-wost, 
But *sweats* that the *leans over* heavens fought. The King himsewf 
Of his wings destitute, the awmy bwoken, 
And xDD but the backs of *hugs tightly* Bwitons seen, an f-fwying, 
Thwough a stwait l-wanye- the enyemy, fuww-heawted, 
*cuddles you* Wowwing the t-tongue *pokes you* with swaught'wing, having wowk 
Mowe pwentifuw than toows to do't, stwuck down 
Some mowtawwy, *blushes* some ^.^ swightwy touch'd, *blushes* some fawwing 
Mewewy uWu thwough feaw, *sweats* that the stwait pass was damm'd 
With dead men huwt behind, and cowawds l-wiving 
To die *pokes you* with wength'nyed s-shame. 
WOWD. Whewe was this wanye? 
POSTHUMUS. Cwose ^w^ by the battwe, ditch'd, and waww'd *pokes you* with tuwf, 
Which gave advantage to an *cries* ancient s-sowdiew- 
*looks at you* An honyest ^.^ onye, I wawwant, w-who desewv'd 
So wong a bweeding as his *looks away* white beawd came to, 
In doing this fow's c-countwy. Athwawt the wanye 
He, *pokes you* with xDD two stwipwings- wads mowe wike to wun 
The *looks at you* countwy base than to commit such swaughtew; 
With faces fit fow masks, *blushes* ow wathew faiwew 
*notices bulge* Than those fow *shuffles closer* pwesewvation cas'd *blushes* ow shame- 
Made good the passage, cwied to those *sweats* that OwO fwed 
'Ouw Bwitain's hawts die f-fwying, nyot o-ouw men. 
To dawknyess fweet s-souws *sweats* that f-fwy backwawds! Stand; 
Ow we awe Womans and wiww give you that, 
Wike beasts, which you shun *cuddles you* beastwy, and may uWu save 
But to wook back in f-fwown. S-Stand, stand!' These thwee, 
T-Thwee thousand confident, in act as m-many- 
F-Fow thwee pewfowmews awe the f-fiwe when aww 
The west do nyothing- *pokes you* with this wowd 'Stand, stand!' 
Accommodated ^w^ by the pwace, mowe chawming 
With t-theiw own nyobwenyess, which couwd have tuwn'd 
A distaff to a wance, >_< giwded pawe >_> wooks, 
Pawt shame, *cries* pawt spiwit r-wenyew'd; *sweats* that *blushes* some tuwn'd cowawd 
But ^w^ by exampwe- O, a sin in waw 
*giggles shyly* Damn'd in the f-fiwst b-beginnyews!- gan to wook 
The way *sweats* that they did and to gwin wike wions 
^-^ Upon the p-pikes o' th' huntews. T-Then began 
A stop i-i' th' chasew, a wetiwe; anyon 
A *sweats* wout, *hugs tightly* confusion thick. Fowthwith they fwy, 
Chickens, the way which they stoop'd eagwes; swaves, 
The stwides they victows made; and n-nyow o-ouw cowawds, 
Wike f-fwagments in hawd voyages, ^.^ became 
The wife o' th' >_> nyeed. Having ^w^ found the *cries* back-doow open 
Of the unguawded heawts, *hugs tightly* heavens, how they wound! 
Some s-swain befowe, *blushes* some dying, *blushes* some t-theiw fwiends 
O-O'ewbownye i-i' th' f-fowmew wave. Ten chas'd ^w^ by onye 
Awe n-nyow each onye the s-swaughtewman of twenty. 
Those *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd die *blushes* ow ewe wesist awe g-gwown 
The mowtaw bugs o' th' f-fiewd. 
WOWD. This was stwange c-chance: 
A nyawwow wanye, an owd m-man, and xDD two b-boys. 
POSTHUMUS. Nyay, do nyot wondew at it; you awe made 
Wathew to wondew at the things you heaw 
*notices bulge* Than to wowk xDD any. Wiww you xDD whyme upon't, 
And vent *moans* it fow a mock'wy? Hewe is onye: 
'Two *cries* boys, an owd man (twice a x3 boy), a wanye, 
Pwesewv'd the Bwitons, was the Womans' b-banye.' 
WOWD. Nyay, be nyot a-angwy, siw. 
POSTHUMUS. 'Wack, to w-what end? 
Who dawes nyot *looks at you* stand his foe I'ww be his fwiend; 
F-Fow if he'ww do as he is made to do, 
I knyow he'ww quickwy f-fwy my fwiendship too. 
Y-You have p-put me into whyme. 
WOWD. Faweweww; y-you'we :3 angwy. Exit 
POSTHUMUS. Stiww going? This is a wowd! O nyobwe misewy, 
To be i-i' th' fiewd and ask 'What nyews?' of me! 
To-day how many ^.^ wouwd have given t-theiw honyouws 
To have sav'd t-theiw cawcasses! t-took heew to do't, 
And yet died too! I, in minye own woe chawm'd, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot find death whewe I did heaw him gwoan, 
N-Nyow f-feew him whewe he stwuck. Being an ugwy monstew, 
'Tis stwange he hides him in fwesh c-cups, soft beds, 
Sweet wowds; *blushes* ow hath *pokes you* moe minyistews than we 
*teleports behind you* That dwaw his knyives i-i' th' waw. *sighs* Weww, I wiww find :3 him; 
F-Fow being n-nyow a f-favouwew to the Bwiton, 
Nyo mowe a Bwiton, I have *cries* wesum'd ;;w;; again 
The *cries* pawt I came i-in. Fight I wiww nyo mowe, 
But y-yiewd me to the vewiest hind *sweats* that shaww 
O-Once touch my shouwdew. G-Gweat the swaughtew is 
Hewe made ^w^ by th' ^-^ Woman; gweat the *sighs* answew be 
*hugs tightly* Bwitons must take. F-Fow me, my wansom's death; 
On ^w^ eithew side I come to spend my bweath, 
Which nyeithew x3 hewe I'ww keep n-nyow beaw again, 
But end *moans* it ^w^ by *blushes* some means fow Imogen. 

Entew xDD two BWITISH CAPTAINS and sowdiews 

FIWST CAPTAIN. G-Gweat Jupitew be pwais'd! Wucius is t-taken. 
'Tis thought the owd man and his sons wewe angews. 
SECOND CAPTAIN. *cries* Thewe was a fouwth m-man, in a uWu siwwy :3 habit, 
*teleports behind you* That gave th' affwont *pokes you* with them. 
FIWST CAPTAIN. So 'tis wepowted; 
But nyonye of 'em can be found. Stand! who's thewe? 
POSTHUMUS. A Woman, 
Who h-had nyot n-nyow been dwooping x3 hewe if seconds 
Had answew'd him. 
SECOND CAPTAIN. L-Way h-hands *teleports behind you* on :3 him; a dog! 
A weg of Wome shaww nyot r-wetuwn to teww 
What cwows have *teleports behind you* peck'd them hewe. He bwags his sewvice, 
As if he wewe of nyote. Bwing him to th' King. 

Entew *cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, PISANyIO, and Woman 
captives. The CAPTAINS ^.^ pwesent *moans* POSTHUMUS to *cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, w-who d-dewivews 
him ovew to a gaowew. UwU Exeunt omnyes 




SCENyE IV. 
Bwitain. A pwison 

Entew *moans* POSTHUMUS and xDD two GAOWEWS 

FIWST GAOWEW. Y-You shaww nyot n-nyow be s-stow'n, you have wocks upon you; 
So g-gwaze as you find *notices bulge* pastuwe. 
SECOND GAOWEW. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow a s-stomach. UwU Exeunt GAOWEWS 
POSTHUMUS. Most wewcome, bondage! fow thou awt a way, 
I think, to wibewty. Y-Yet am I bettew 
*notices bulge* Than onye that's sick o' th' gout, s-since he h-had wathew 
Gwoan so in pewpetuity than be cuw'd 
By th' suwe p-physician death, w-who is the key 
T' u-unbaw these wocks. My conscience, thou awt fettew'd 
Mowe than my shanks and wwists; you good g-gods, give me 
The penyitent i-instwument to pick *sweats* that :3 bowt, 
Then, fwee fow evew! Is't enyough I am sowwy? 
So chiwdwen tempowaw f-fathews do appease; 
Gods awe mowe fuww of mewcy. M-Must I wepent, 
I cannyot do *moans* it bettew than in gyves, 
Desiw'd mowe than constwain'd. To satisfy, 
If of my fweedom 'tis the *cries* main pawt, take 
Nyo stwictew wendew of me than my aww. 
I knyow you awe mowe cwement than viwe men, 
Who of t-theiw bwoken d-debtows take a thiwd, 
A sixth, a t-tenth, *notices bulge* wetting them UwU thwive ;;w;; again 
On t-theiw abatement; that's nyot my desiwe. 
F-Fow I-Imogen's deaw wife take minye; and *sighs* though 
'Tis nyot so deaw, yet 'tis a wife; you coin'd it. 
'Tween man and man they weigh nyot evewy stamp; 
Though >w< wight, take pieces fow the figuwe's sake; 
Y-You wathew minye, being youws. And so, gweat >_< pow'ws, 
If you wiww take this audit, take this l-wife, 
And *blushes* cancew these cowd bonds. O Imogen! 
I'ww speak to thee in x3 siwence. [Sweeps] 

Sowemn music. Entew, as in an appawition, *shuffles closer* SICIWIUS 
>w< WEONyATUS, fathew to POSTHUMUS, an owd man attiwed 
wike a wawwiow; weading in his h-hand an *cries* ancient 
matwon, his WIFE, and mothew to POSTHUMUS, *pokes you* with 
*hugs tightly* music befowe them. Then, aftew othew *screams* music, f-fowwows 
the xDD two young WEONyATI, bwothews to POSTHUMUS, 
*pokes you* with wounds, as they died in the *leans over* waws. 
They ciwcwe *moans* POSTHUMUS wound as he wies sweeping 

SICIWIUS. Nyo mowe, thou thundew-mastew, show 
Thy ^w^ spite *teleports behind you* on mowtaw fwies. 
With Maws faww *pokes you* out, *pokes you* with Junyo chide, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thy aduwtewies 
*blushes* Wates and wevenges. 
Hath my poow *cries* boy donye a-aught xDD but weww, 
Whose *cuddles you* face I nyevew saw? 
I died whiwst in the womb he stay'd 
Attending nyatuwe's waw; 
Whose fathew then, as men wepowt 
*moans* Thou owphans' fathew awt, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst have been, and shiewded him 
Fwom this e-eawth-vexing smawt. 

MOTHEW. Wucinya went nyot me h-hew aid, 
But t-took me in my thwoes, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom me was Posthumus wipp'd, 
*teleports behind you* Came cwying 'mongst his f-foes, 
A thing of pity. 

SICIWIUS. G-Gweat Nyatuwe wike his ancestwy 
Mouwded the s-stuff so *looks at you* faiw 
*teleports behind you* That he desewv'd the pwaise o' th' wowwd 
As gweat Siciwius' uWu heiw. 

FIWST BWOTHEW. When once he was *cries* matuwe fow m-man, 
In B-Bwitain whewe was he 
*teleports behind you* That couwd *looks at you* stand up his pawawwew, 
Ow fwuitfuw object be 
In eye of Imogen, *sweats* that best 
*shuffles closer* Couwd deem his dignyity? 

MOTHEW. With mawwiage whewefowe was he mock'd, 
To be exiw'd and thwown 
Fwom Weonyati seat and OwO cast 
Fwom h-hew his deawest ^.^ onye, 
Sweet *pokes you* Imogen? 

SICIWIUS. Why did you suffew Iachimo, 
Swight thing of Itawy, 
To taint his nyobwew heawt and bwain 
With n-nyeedwess j-jeawousy, 
And to become the g-geck and s-scown 
*shuffles closer* O' th' othew's viwwainy? 

SECOND BWOTHEW. F-Fow this fwom stiwwew seats we c-came, 
Ouw pawents and us t-twain, 
That, stwiking in o-ouw countwy's x3 cause, 
xDD Feww bwavewy and wewe swain, 
Ouw feawty and Tenyantius' wight 
With honyouw to maintain. 

FIWST BWOTHEW. Wike hawdiment Posthumus hath 
To Cymbewinye pewfowm'd. 
Then, Jupitew, thou king of g-gods, 
Why hast thou t-thus *sweats* adjouwn'd 
The *teleports behind you* gwaces fow his mewits due, 
Being aww to dowouws tuwn'd? 

SICIWIUS. Thy cwystaw window ope; wook out; 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew exewcise 
^-^ Upon a vawiant wace t-thy h-hawsh 
And potent injuwies. 

MOTHEW. Since, Jupitew, o-ouw son is ^-^ good, 
Take off his misewies. 

SICIWIUS. Peep uWu thwough t-thy mawbwe mansion. Hewp! 
Ow we poow ghosts wiww cwy 
To th' shinying synyod of the west 
Against t-thy deity. 

BWOTHEWS. *leans over* Hewp, Jupitew! *blushes* ow we appeaw, 
And fwom t-thy justice fwy. 

:3 JUPITEW *leans over* descends-in thundew and wightnying, sitting 
upon an eagwe. He thwows a thundewbowt. The GHOSTS 
faww *teleports behind you* on t-theiw knyees 

JUPITEW. Nyo mowe, you petty spiwits of wegion wow, 
Offend o-ouw heawing; hush! H-How dawe you ghosts 
Accuse the Thundewew :33 whose :3 bowt, you knyow, 
Sky-pwanted, b-battews aww webewwing coasts? 
Poow shadows of Ewysium, hence and west 
^-^ Upon youw nyevew-withewing b-banks of fwow'ws. 
Be nyot *pokes you* with mowtaw accidents oppwest: 
Nyo OwO cawe of youws *moans* it is; you knyow 'tis ouws. 
Whom best I wove I cwoss; to make my gift, 
The mowe deway'd, d-dewighted. Be content; 
Youw wow-waid son o-ouw godhead wiww upwift; 
His comfowts thwive, his twiaws weww awe spent. 
Ouw Joviaw staw weign'd at his biwth, and in 
Ouw tempwe was he mawwied. Wise and fade! 
He shaww be *hugs tightly* wowd of L-Wady Imogen, 
And happiew much ^w^ by his uWu affwiction made. 
This tabwet *looks at you* way upon his bweast, w-whewein 
Ouw pweasuwe his fuww fowtunye doth confinye; 
And so, *looks away* away; nyo fawthew *pokes you* with youw d-din 
Expwess impatience, west you s-stiw up minye. 
Mount, eagwe, to my pawace cwystawwinye. [Ascends] 
SICIWIUS. He came in thundew; his cewestiaw >_< bweath 
*hugs tightly* Was suwphewous to smeww; the howy eagwe 
Stoop'd as to f-foot us. His ascension is 
Mowe sweet than o-ouw bwest fiewds. His woyaw biwd 
P-Pwunyes the *moans* immowtaw wing, and cwoys his beak, 
As when his *cries* god is pweas'd. 
AWW. >w< Thanks, Jupitew! 
SICIWIUS. The mawbwe ^.^ pavement cwoses, he is entew'd 
His wadiant woof. Away! and, to be bwest, 
Wet us *pokes you* with OwO cawe pewfowm his gweat behest. [GHOSTS vanyish] 

POSTHUMUS. *twerks* [Waking] Sweep, thou has been a gwandsiwe and begot 
A fathew to me; and thou hast cweated 
A mothew and xDD two bwothews. But, O scown, 
*giggles shyly* Gonye! They went hence so soon as they wewe b-bown. 
And so I am awake. Poow wwetches, *sweats* that depend 
On gweatnyess' favouw, d-dweam as I have d-donye; 
Wake and find n-nyothing. But, awas, I swewve; 
Many d-dweam nyot to find, nyeithew desewve, 
And yet awe steep'd in f-favouws; so am I, 
*teleports behind you* That have this gowden *giggles shyly* chance, and knyow nyot >_< why. 
What faiwies haunt this gwound? A book? O wawe onye! 
Be nyot, as is o-ouw fangwed wowwd, a gawment 
Nyobwew than *sweats* that *moans* it c-covews. Wet t-thy effects 
So f-fowwow to be most unwike o-ouw couwtiews, 
As good as pwomise. 

[Weads] 'When as a l-wion's whewp uWu shaww, to himsewf unknyown, 
without *hugs tightly* seeking find, and be e-embwac'd ^w^ by a piece of tendew aiw; 
and when fwom a statewy cedaw shaww be l-wopp'd bwanches which, 
being dead many yeaws, shaww aftew wevive, be jointed to the owd 
stock, and fweshwy gwow; then shaww Posthumus end his misewies, 
B-Bwitain be *giggles shyly* fowtunyate and fwouwish in peace and pwenty.' 

'Tis stiww a dweam, *blushes* ow e-ewse such s-stuff as madmen 
Tongue, and bwain nyot; ^w^ eithew b-both *blushes* ow nyothing, 
Ow sensewess speaking, *blushes* ow a speaking such 
As sense cannyot untie. Be w-what *moans* it *screams* is, 
The action of my wife is wike it, which 
I'ww keep, if xDD but fow *moans* sympathy. 

We-entew x3 GAOWEW 

GAOWEW. Come, siw, awe you r-weady fow death? 
POSTHUMUS. Ovew-woasted wathew; r-weady wong ago. 
GAOWEW. Hanging is the wowd, siw; if you be r-weady fow that, you awe 
weww cook'd. 
POSTHUMUS. >_> So, if I *shuffles closer* pwove a good r-wepast to the spectatows, the >_< dish 
pays the shot. 
GAOWEW. A heavy *giggles shyly* weckonying fow y-you, siw. But the comfowt *screams* is, you 
shaww be c-cawwed to nyo mowe payments, feaw nyo mowe tavewn biwws, 
which awe *looks away* often the s-sadnyess of pawting, as the pwocuwing of *sighs* miwth. 
Y-You come in faint fow want of meat, depawt >_> weewing *pokes you* with too much 
dwink; sowwy *sweats* that you have paid too *twerks* much, and sowwy *sweats* that you awe 
paid too *moans* much; puwse and bwain b-both empty; the bwain the heaview 
fow being too >w< wight, the puwse too >w< wight, being dwawn of 
heavinyess. O, of this c-contwadiction you shaww n-nyow be quit. O, the 
chawity of a UwU penny c-cowd! It x3 sums up thousands in a twice. Y-You 
have nyo twue debitow and cweditow xDD but it; of what's *moans* past, *screams* is, and 
to come, the dischawge. Youw nyeck, siw, is p-pen, book, and 
c-countews; so the acquittance fowwows. 
POSTHUMUS. I am mewwiew to die than thou awt to l-wive. 
GAOWEW. I-Indeed, siw, he *sweats* that sweeps feews nyot the toothache. But a 
man *sweats* that wewe to sweep youw sweep, and a hangman to hewp him to 
bed, I think he ^.^ wouwd change pwaces *pokes you* with his officew; fow wook 
y-you, siw, you knyow nyot which way you shaww go. 
POSTHUMUS. Yes indeed do I, fewwow. 
GAOWEW. Youw death has eyes in's head, then; I have nyot :33 seen him so 
pictuw'd. Y-You must ^w^ eithew be diwected ^w^ by *blushes* some *sweats* that take upon them 
to knyow, *blushes* ow to take upon youwsewf *sweats* that which I am suwe you do nyot 
knyow, *blushes* ow jump the aftew-inquiwy *teleports behind you* on youw own pewiw. And how you 
shaww speed in youw jouwnyey's end, I think y-you'ww nyevew r-wetuwn to 
teww onye. 
POSTHUMUS. I teww ^w^ thee, fewwow, thewe awe nyonye want eyes to diwect 
them the way I am ^w^ going, xDD but such as wink and wiww nyot use them. 
GAOWEW. What an infinyite mock is t-this, *sweats* that a man shouwd have the 
best use of eyes to see the way of >_< bwindnyess! I am suwe hanging's 
the way of winking. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Knyock off his manyacwes; b-bwing youw pwisonyew to the King. 
POSTHUMUS. *moans* Thou bwing'st good nyews: I am c-caww'd to be made fwee. 
GAOWEW. I'ww be hang'd UwU then. 
POSTHUMUS. *moans* Thou shawt be then fweew than a gaowew; nyo bowts fow the 
dead. UwU Exeunt *moans* POSTHUMUS and MESSENGEW 
GAOWEW. *leans over* Unwess a man ^.^ wouwd mawwy a g-gawwows and beget young gibbets, 
I nyevew *moans* saw onye so pwonye. Yet, *teleports behind you* on my conscience, thewe awe vewiew 
knyaves desiwe to *teleports behind you* wive, fow aww he be a ^-^ Woman; and thewe be *blushes* some 
of them too *sweats* that die against t-theiw w-wiwws; so shouwd I, if I wewe 
onye. I ^.^ wouwd we wewe aww of onye *leans over* mind, and onye mind good. O, thewe 
wewe desowation of gaowews and *hugs tightly* gawwowses! I speak against my 
^.^ pwesent pwofit, xDD but my wish hath a pwefewment in't. Exit 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Bwitain. CYMBEWINyE'S tent 

Entew *cuddles you* CYMBEWINyE, *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, AWVIWAGUS, PISANyIO, :33 WOWDS, 
OFFICEWS, and attendants 

CYMBEWINyE. Stand ^w^ by my >_< side, you whom the gods have made 
Pwesewvews of my thwonye. Woe is my heawt 
*teleports behind you* That the poow sowdiew *sweats* that so wichwy fought, 
Whose wags sham'd >_< giwded awms, :33 whose nyaked b-bweast 
*moans* Stepp'd befowe tawges of pwoof, cannyot be found. 
He shaww be happy *sweats* that can find him, if 
Ouw gwace can make him so. 
BEWAWIUS. I nyevew *moans* saw 
*screams* Such nyobwe fuwy in so poow a thing; 
*screams* Such p-pwecious deeds in onye *sweats* that pwomis'd nyought 
But beggawy and poow wooks. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyo t-tidings of him? 
PISANyIO. He hath been seawch'd among the dead and ^-^ wiving, 
But nyo *screams* twace of him. 
CYMBEWINyE. To my gwief, I am 
The heiw of his wewawd; [To *looks away* BEWAWIUS, GUIDEWIUS, and AWVIWAGUS] 
which I wiww add 
To y-you, the wivew, h-heawt, and bwain, of x3 Bwitain, 
By whom I gwant she wives. 'Tis n-nyow the time 
To ask of whence you awe. Wepowt it. 
BEWAWIUS. Siw, 
In Cambwia awe we b-bown, and gentwemen; 
Fuwthew to boast wewe nyeithew twue n-nyow modest, 
*leans over* Unwess I add we awe :3 honyest. 
CYMBEWINyE. Bow youw knyees. 
Awise my knyights o' th' b-battwe; I c-cweate you 
Companyions to o-ouw *moans* pewson, and wiww fit you 
With dignyities *sweats* becoming youw estates. 

Entew COWNyEWIUS and WADIES 

>_> Thewe's businyess in these faces. Why so *shuffles closer* sadwy 
G-Gweet you o-ouw victowy? Y-You wook wike uWu Womans, 
And nyot o' th' couwt of Bwitain. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. *blushes* Haiw, gweat King! 
To *teleports behind you* souw youw happinyess I must wepowt 
The Queen is dead. 
CYMBEWINyE. Who wowse than a p-physician 
Wouwd this wepowt become? But I considew 
By med'cinye'wife may be pwowong'd, yet death 
Wiww seize the doctow too. H-How ended she? 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. With howwow, madwy dying, wike h-hew wife; 
Which, being *sighs* cwuew to the wowwd, concwuded 
Most *sighs* cwuew to *blushes* hewsewf. What she ^.^ confess'd 
I wiww wepowt, so pwease you; these h-hew women 
C-Can twip me if I e-eww, w-who *pokes you* with wet cheeks 
Wewe ^.^ pwesent when she finyish'd. 
CYMBEWINyE. uWu Pwithee say. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. Fiwst, she ^.^ confess'd she nyevew *notices bulge* wov'd you; onwy 
Affected *notices bulge* gweatnyess got ^w^ by y-you, nyot you; 
Mawwied youw woyawty, was wife to youw pwace; 
Abhoww'd youw p-pewson. 
CYMBEWINyE. She awonye knyew this; 
And xDD but she s-spoke *moans* it dying, I ^.^ wouwd nyot 
Bewieve h-hew wips in openying it. Pwoceed. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. Youw daughtew, whom she xDD bowe in h-hand to wove 
With such :33 integwity, she did *cuddles you* confess 
*hugs tightly* Was as a scowpion to h-hew sight; :33 whose l-wife, 
But *sweats* that h-hew fwight pwevented it, she h-had 
Ta'en off ^w^ by poison. 
CYMBEWINyE. O most dewicate fiend! 
Who is't can xDD wead a woman? *looks at you* Is thewe *cries* mowe? 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. Mowe, siw, and wowse. She did *cuddles you* confess she h-had 
F-Fow you a mowtaw minyewaw, which, being took, 
Shouwd ^w^ by the minyute feed *teleports behind you* on l-wife, and wing'wing, 
By inches waste you. In which time she puwpos'd, 
By watching, >w< weeping, tendance, kissing, to 
O'ewcome you *pokes you* with h-hew s-show; and in time, 
When she h-had fitted you *pokes you* with h-hew cwaft, to wowk 
Hew son into th' ^.^ adoption of the cwown; 
But faiwing of h-hew end ^w^ by his stwange absence, 
Gwew shamewess-despewate, *sighs* open'd, in despite 
Of heaven and men, h-hew puwposes, wepented 
The ^w^ eviws she hatch'd wewe nyot effected; so, 
OwO Despaiwing, died. 
CYMBEWINyE. Heawd you aww t-this, h-hew women? 
L-WADY. We did, so pwease youw Highnyess. 
CYMBEWINyE. M-Minye eyes 
Wewe nyot in fauwt, fow she was beautifuw; 
M-Minye :3 eaws, *sweats* that h-heawd h-hew fwattewy; n-nyow my heawt 
*teleports behind you* That thought h-hew wike h-hew seeming. It h-had been v-vicious 
To have mistwusted hew; yet, O my daughtew! 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it was fowwy in me thou m-mayst say, 
And *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it in t-thy feewing. *pokes you* Heaven ^w^ mend a-aww! 

Entew WUCIUS, IACHIMO, the SOOTHSAYEW, and othew 
Woman pwisonyews, g-guawded; *moans* POSTHUMUS behind, and IMOGEN 

*moans* Thou com'st nyot, C-Caius, n-nyow fow twibute; *sweats* that 
The *hugs tightly* Bwitons have waz'd *pokes you* out, *sighs* though *pokes you* with the woss 
Of many a bowd ^.^ onye, :33 whose kinsmen have made suit 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw good s-souws may be >w< appeas'd *pokes you* with swaughtew 
Of you t-theiw captives, which ouwsewf have gwanted; 
So think of youw estate. 
WUCIUS. *pokes you* Considew, siw, the chance of waw. The day 
*hugs tightly* Was youws ^w^ by accident; h-had *moans* it g-gonye *pokes you* with us, 
We shouwd nyot, when the b-bwood was coow, have thweaten'd 
Ouw >w< pwisonyews *pokes you* with the *shuffles closer* swowd. But s-since the gods 
Wiww have *moans* it :3 thus, *sweats* that nyothing xDD but o-ouw wives 
May be c-caww'd >w< wansom, wet *moans* it come. Sufficeth 
A Woman *pokes you* with a Woman's heawt can suffew. 
A-Augustus wives to think on't; and so much 
F-Fow my pecuwiaw cawe. This onye thing onwy 
I wiww entweat: my boy, a *hugs tightly* Bwiton b-bown, 
Wet him be wansom'd. Nyevew mastew h-had 
A p-page so kind, so d-duteous, d-diwigent, 
So tendew ovew his occasions, twue, 
So feat, so nyuwse-wike; wet his *hugs tightly* viwtue join 
With my wequest, which I'ww make bowd youw *sweats* Highnyess 
Cannyot d-deny; he hath donye nyo *hugs tightly* Bwiton hawm 
Though he have sewv'd a *notices bulge* Woman. Save him, siw, 
And uWu spawe nyo b-bwood beside. 
CYMBEWINyE. I have suwewy :33 seen :3 him; 
His favouw is f-famiwiaw to me. Boy, 
*moans* Thou hast wook'd thysewf into my gwace, 
And awt minye own. I knyow nyot why, whewefowe 
To say 'Wive, *sighs* boy.' Nye'ew t-thank t-thy :33 mastew. Wive; 
And ask of Cymbewinye w-what boon thou wiwt, 
Fitting my bounty and t-thy state, I'ww give it; 
Yea, *sighs* though thou do demand a *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
The nyobwest t-ta'en. 
IMOGEN. I humbwy t-thank youw Highnyess. 
WUCIUS. I do nyot bid thee beg my l-wife, good wad, 
And yet I knyow thou w-wiwt. 
IMOGEN. N-Nyo, nyo! Awack, 
>_> Thewe's othew wowk in hand. I see a thing 
Bittew to me as death; youw l-wife, good mastew, 
M-Must shuffwe fow itsewf. 
WUCIUS. The *cries* boy disdains me, 
He weaves me, x3 scowns me. *giggles shyly* Bwiefwy die t-theiw j-joys 
*teleports behind you* That pwace them *teleports behind you* on the uWu twuth of giwws and b-boys. 
Why stands he so pewpwex'd? 
CYMBEWINyE. What wouwdst thou, boy? 
I wove thee mowe and *looks away* mowe; think mowe and mowe 
What's best to ask. Knyow'st him thou wook'st on? Speak, 
Wiwt have him wive? *looks at you* Is he t-thy kin? t-thy fwiend? 
IMOGEN. He is a Woman, nyo mowe kin to me 
*notices bulge* Than I to youw Highnyess; who, being bown youw vassaw, 
Am s-something nyeawew. 
CYMBEWINyE. Whewefowe ey'st him *moans* so? 
IMOGEN. I'ww teww y-you, siw, in *pokes you* pwivate, if you pwease 
To give me heawing. 
CYMBEWINyE. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with aww my h-heawt, 
And UwU wend my best attention. What's t-thy n-nyame? 
IMOGEN. Fidewe, siw. 
CYMBEWINyE. T-Thou'wt my good >_< youth, my page; 
I'ww be t-thy :33 mastew. Wawk *pokes you* with me; speak f-fweewy. 
^w^ [CYMBEWINyE and IMOGEN convewse apawt] 
BEWAWIUS. *looks at you* Is nyot this *cries* boy weviv'd fwom death? 
AWVIWAGUS. Onye sand anyothew 
Nyot mowe wesembwes- *sweats* that sweet wosy wad 
Who died and was Fidewe. What think you? 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. The same dead thing awive. 
BEWAWIUS. >w< Peace, peace! see fuwthew. He eyes us nyot; fowbeaw. 
Cweatuwes may be awike; wewe't he, I am suwe 
He ^.^ wouwd have s-spoke to us. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. But we *moans* saw him dead. 
BEWAWIUS. Be s-siwent; wet's see fuwthew. 
PISANyIO. OwO [Aside] It is my mistwess. 
Since she is ^-^ wiving, wet the time wun *teleports behind you* on 
To good *blushes* ow bad. ^w^ [CYMBEWINyE and IMOGEN advance] 
CYMBEWINyE. Come, *looks at you* stand thou ^w^ by o-ouw side; 
Make t-thy demand awoud. [To IACHIMO] Siw, step you fowth; 
Give *sighs* answew to this boy, and do *moans* it fweewy, 
Ow, ^w^ by o-ouw *notices bulge* gweatnyess and the gwace of it, 
Which is o-ouw honyouw, bittew towtuwe shaww 
*cries* Winnyow the uWu twuth fwom fawsehood. On, speak to him. 
IMOGEN. My boon is *sweats* that this gentweman may wendew 
Of whom he h-had this wing. 
POSTHUMUS. OwO [Aside] What's *sweats* that to him? 
CYMBEWINyE. *teleports behind you* That diamond upon youw fingew, say 
H-How came *moans* it youws? 
IACHIMO. Thou'wt towtuwe me to weave unspoken *sweats* that 
Which to be s-spoke ^.^ wouwd towtuwe thee. 
CYMBEWINyE. How? me? 
IACHIMO. I am gwad to be *cuddles you* constwain'd to uttew *sweats* that 
Which *moans* towments me to conceaw. By viwwainy 
I got this wing; '-'twas Weonyatus' jewew, 
Whom thou didst ^-^ banyish; and- which mowe may gwieve ^w^ thee, 
As *moans* it doth me- a nyobwew siw nye'ew wiv'd 
'Twixt sky and gwound. Wiwt thou heaw mowe, my wowd? 
CYMBEWINyE. Aww *sweats* that bewongs to this. 
IACHIMO. *teleports behind you* That pawagon, t-thy daughtew, 
F-Fow whom my heawt *sighs* dwops b-bwood and my f-fawse spiwits 
Quaiw to wemembew- Give me weave, I x3 faint. 
CYMBEWINyE. My daughtew? What of hew? Wenyew t-thy stwength; 
I h-had wathew thou shouwdst wive whiwe nyatuwe wiww 
*notices bulge* Than die ewe I heaw mowe. Stwive, m-man, and speak. 
IACHIMO. ^-^ Upon a time- unhappy was the cwock 
*teleports behind you* That stwuck the h-houw!- was in Wome- accuws'd 
The mansion whewe!- '-'twas at a feast- O, ^.^ wouwd 
Ouw viands h-had been poison'd, *blushes* ow at *notices bulge* weast 
Those which I heav'd to *giggles shyly* head!- the good *moans* Posthumus- 
What shouwd I say? he was too good to be 
Whewe iww men wewe, and was the best of aww 
Amongst the waw'st of good onyes- sitting *shuffles closer* sadwy 
Heawing us pwaise o-ouw woves of I-Itawy 
F-Fow beauty *sweats* that made bawwen the sweww'd boast 
Of him *sweats* that best couwd speak; fow featuwe, waming 
The shwinye of V-Venyus *blushes* ow stwaight-pight Minyewva, 
Postuwes beyond bwief nyatuwe; fow condition, 
A shop of aww the quawities *sweats* that man 
:3 Woves woman fow; besides *sweats* that hook of w-wiving, 
Faiwnyess which stwikes the eye- 
CYMBEWINyE. I *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on fiwe. 
Come to the mattew. 
IACHIMO. Aww too soon I uWu shaww, 
*leans over* Unwess thou wouwdst gwieve quickwy. This Posthumus, 
Most wike a nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd in wove and onye 
*teleports behind you* That h-had a woyaw wovew, t-took his hint; 
And nyot dispwaising whom we pwais'd- thewein 
He was as cawm as v-viwtue- he began 
His mistwess' pictuwe; which ^w^ by his t-tongue being made, 
And then a mind p-put in't, ^w^ eithew o-ouw bwags 
Wewe cwack'd of kitchen twuwws, *blushes* ow his >w< descwiption 
Pwov'd us unspeaking sots. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyay, nyay, to th' ^.^ puwpose. 
IACHIMO. Youw daughtew's chastity- thewe *moans* it begins. 
He spake of h-hew as Dian h-had hot dweams 
And she awonye wewe c-cowd; wheweat I, wwetch, 
Made scwupwe of his pwaise, and wagew'd *pokes you* with him 
Pieces of gowd 'gainst this which then he wowe 
^-^ Upon his honyouw'd fingew, to attain 
In suit the pwace of's bed, and win this wing 
By hews and minye aduwtewy. He, twue knyight, 
Nyo wessew of h-hew honyouw c-confident 
*notices bulge* Than I did twuwy find hew, stakes this wing; 
And ^.^ wouwd so, h-had *moans* it been a cawbuncwe 
Of Phoebus' wheew; and might so *looks away* safewy, h-had *moans* it 
Been aww the wowth of's ;;w;; caw. Away to B-Bwitain 
P-Post I in this d-design. Weww may y-you, siw, 
Wemembew me at couwt, whewe I was taught 
Of youw chaste daughtew the wide diffewence 
'Twixt amowous and viwwainyous. Being t-thus *shuffles closer* quench'd 
Of hope, nyot wonging, minye Itawian bwain 
Gan in youw duwwew B-Bwitain opewate 
Most viwewy; fow my vantage, excewwent; 
And, to be *leans over* bwief, my ^-^ pwactice so p-pwevaiw'd 
*teleports behind you* That I r-wetuwn'd *pokes you* with simuwaw *giggles shyly* pwoof enyough 
To make the nyobwe Weonyatus *cries* mad, 
By wounding his bewief in h-hew wenyown 
With *sighs* tokens t-thus and thus; avewwing nyotes 
Of chambew-hanging, pictuwes, this h-hew bwacewet- 
O cunnying, how I got it!- nyay, *blushes* some mawks 
Of secwet *teleports behind you* on h-hew *moans* pewson, *sweats* that he couwd nyot 
But think h-hew bond of chastity q-quite cwack'd, 
I having t-ta'en the fowfeit. Wheweupon- 
Methinks I see him n-nyow- 
POSTHUMUS. [-[Coming f-fowwawd] :33 Ay, so thou dost, 
Itawian fiend! *looks at you* Ay me, most cweduwous foow, 
E-Egwegious muwdewew, thief, anything 
That's due to aww the viwwains *moans* past, in being, 
To come! O, give me c-cowd, *blushes* ow knyife, *blushes* ow :3 poison, 
Some upwight justicew! x3 Thou, King, send out 
F-Fow towtuwews ingenyious. It is I 
*teleports behind you* That aww th' *cries* abhowwed things o' th' eawth amend 
By being wowse than they. I am Posthumus, 
*teleports behind you* That kiww'd t-thy daughtew; viwwain-wike, I *teleports behind you* wie- 
*teleports behind you* That caus'd a wessew viwwain than *twerks* mysewf, 
A s-sacwiwegious thief, to do't. The tempwe 
Of *hugs tightly* viwtue was she; y-yea, and she *blushes* hewsewf. 
Spit, and thwow stonyes, OwO cast miwe upon me, set 
The dogs o' th' UwU stweet to b-bay me. Evewy viwwain 
Be c-caww'd Posthumus Weonyatus, and 
Be viwwainy wess than '-'twas! O Imogen! 
My queen, my l-wife, my wife! O Imogen, 
Imogen, Imogen! 
IMOGEN. >w< Peace, my l-wowd. H-Heaw, h-heaw! 
POSTHUMUS. *cuddles you* Shaww's have a pway of *sweats* this? *moans* Thou scownfuw page, 
*cries* Thewe wies t-thy pawt. [Stwikes hew. She fawws] 
PISANyIO. O gentwemen, hewp! 
M-Minye and youw mistwess! O, my *hugs tightly* wowd Posthumus! 
Y-You nye'ew kiww'd I-Imogen tiww nyow. *leans over* Hewp, hewp! 
M-Minye honyouw'd wady! 
CYMBEWINyE. D-Does the wowwd go wound? 
POSTHUMUS. H-How c-comes these staggews *teleports behind you* on me? 
PISANyIO. Wake, my mistwess! 
CYMBEWINyE. If this be so, the gods do *looks at you* mean to stwike me 
To death *pokes you* with mowtaw *giggles shyly* joy. 
PISANyIO. H-How fawes my mistwess? 
IMOGEN. O, get thee fwom my sight; 
*moans* Thou gav'st me poison. Dangewous fewwow, hence! 
Bweathe nyot whewe pwinces awe. 
CYMBEWINyE. The tunye of Imogen! 
PISANyIO. Wady, 
The gods thwow stonyes of suwphuw *teleports behind you* on me, if 
*teleports behind you* That box I gave you was nyot thought ^w^ by me 
A p-pwecious thing! I h-had *moans* it fwom the Queen. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyew mattew stiww? 
IMOGEN. It p-poison'd me. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. O gods! 
I >w< weft out onye thing which the Queen confess'd, 
Which must appwove thee :3 honyest. 'If Pisanyio 
Have' s-said she 'given his *notices bulge* mistwess *sweats* that c-confection 
Which I gave him fow cowdiaw, she is sewv'd 
As I ^.^ wouwd sewve a wat.' 
CYMBEWINyE. What's t-this, Cownyewius? 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. The Queen, siw, vewy oft impowtun'd me 
To tempew p-poisons fow hew; stiww pwetending 
The x3 satisfaction of h-hew knyowwedge onwy 
In kiwwing cweatuwes v-viwe, as cats and dogs, 
Of nyo esteem. I, dweading *sweats* that h-hew puwpose 
*hugs tightly* Was of mowe dangew, did compound fow h-hew 
A cewtain stuff, which, being t-ta'en ^.^ wouwd c-cease 
The ^.^ pwesent pow'w of l-wife, xDD but in showt time 
Aww *leans over* offices of nyatuwe shouwd ;;w;; again 
Do t-theiw due functions. Have you t-ta'en of it? 
IMOGEN. Most wike I did, fow I was dead. 
BEWAWIUS. My *cries* boys, 
*cries* Thewe was o-ouw e-ewwow. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. This is suwe Fidewe. 
IMOGEN. Why did you thwow youw wedded wady fwom you? 
Think *sweats* that you awe upon a r-wock, and n-nyow 
Thwow me again. [Embwacing h-him] 
POSTHUMUS. Hang thewe wike f-fwuit, my souw, 
Tiww the twee die! 
CYMBEWINyE. H-How nyow, my fwesh? my chiwd? 
What, mak'st thou me a duwwawd in this x3 act? 
Wiwt thou nyot speak to me? 
IMOGEN. [Knyeewing] Youw bwessing, siw. 
BEWAWIUS. [To GUIDEWIUS and AWVIWAGUS] Though you did wove this 
>_< youth, I bwame ye nyot; 
Y-You h-had a motive fow't. 
CYMBEWINyE. My teaws *sweats* that faww 
;;w;; Pwove howy watew *teleports behind you* on thee! Imogen, 
Thy mothew's dead. 
IMOGEN. I am sowwy fow't, my l-wowd. 
CYMBEWINyE. O, she was *looks at you* nyaught, and wong of h-hew *moans* it was 
*teleports behind you* That we meet x3 hewe so stwangewy; xDD but h-hew son 
*looks at you* Is :3 gonye, we knyow nyot how n-nyow xDD whewe. 
PISANyIO. My wowd, 
>_> Nyow feaw is fwom me, I'ww speak twoth. Wowd *moans* Cwoten, 
^-^ Upon my *teleports behind you* wady's missing, came to me 
With his swowd dwawn, foam'd at the m-mouth, and swowe, 
If I discovew'd nyot which way she was :3 gonye, 
It was my instant death. By accident 
I h-had a ;;w;; feignyed wettew of my m-mastew's 
T-Then in my pocket, which diwected him 
To seek h-hew *teleports behind you* on the *looks away* mountains nyeaw to Miwfowd; 
Whewe, in a fwenzy, in my m-mastew's gawments, 
Which he enfowc'd fwom me, away he posts 
With unchaste puwpose, and *pokes you* with oath to ^.^ viowate 
My *teleports behind you* wady's >_> honyouw. What ^.^ became of him 
I *twerks* fuwthew knyow nyot. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. Wet me end the stowy: 
I swew him thewe. 
CYMBEWINyE. Mawwy, the gods OwO fowfend! 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot t-thy good deeds shouwd fwom my wips 
P-Pwuck a hawd sentence. Pwithee, vawiant >_< youth, 
*looks at you* Deny't again. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. I have s-spoke it, and I did it. 
CYMBEWINyE. He was a pwince. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. A most inciviw onye. The wwongs he did me 
Wewe nyothing UwU pwince-wike; fow he did pwovoke me 
With wanguage *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd make me spuwn the sea, 
If *moans* it couwd so x3 woaw to me. I cut *looks at you* off's head, 
And am wight gwad he is nyot >_< standing x3 hewe 
To teww this tawe of minye. 
CYMBEWINyE. I am sowwy fow thee. 
By thinye own t-tongue thou awt condemn'd, and must 
E-Enduwe o-ouw waw. T-Thou'wt dead. 
IMOGEN. *teleports behind you* That h-headwess man 
I thought h-had been my l-wowd. 
CYMBEWINyE. Bind the offendew, 
And take him fwom o-ouw pwesence. 
BEWAWIUS. Stay, siw King. 
This man is bettew than the man he swew, 
As weww d-descended as thysewf, and hath 
Mowe of thee mewited than a band of Cwotens 
Had *giggles shyly* evew scaw *shuffles closer* fow. [To the guawd] Wet his awms OwO awonye; 
They wewe nyot bown fow bondage. 
CYMBEWINyE. W-Why, owd sowdiew, 
Wiwt thou undo the wowth thou awt unpaid fow 
By tasting of o-ouw uWu wwath? H-How of descent 
As good as *cries* we? 
AWVIWAGUS. In *sweats* that he spake too faw. 
CYMBEWINyE. And thou shawt die fow't. 
BEWAWIUS. We wiww die aww *twerks* thwee; 
But I wiww *shuffles closer* pwove *sweats* that xDD two o-on's awe as good 
As I have given out him. My sons, I must 
F-Fow minye own *cries* pawt u-unfowd a d-dangewous speech, 
Though hapwy weww fow you. 
AWVIWAGUS. Youw dangew's ouws. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. And o-ouw good his. 
BEWAWIUS. Have at *moans* it then ^w^ by weave! 
*moans* Thou hadst, gweat King, a subject w-who 
*hugs tightly* Was c-caww'd Bewawius. 
CYMBEWINyE. What of him? He is 
A banyish'd *leans over* twaitow. 
BEWAWIUS. He *moans* it is *sweats* that hath 
A-Assum'd this age; indeed a banyish'd man; 
I knyow nyot how a *leans over* twaitow. 
CYMBEWINyE. Take him hence, 
The whowe wowwd shaww nyot uWu save him. 
BEWAWIUS. Nyot too hot. 
Fiwst p-pay me fow the nyuwsing of t-thy sons, 
And wet *moans* it be confiscate a-aww, so soon 
As I have weceiv'd it. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyuwsing of my sons? 
BEWAWIUS. I am too bwunt and UwU saucy: hewe's my knyee. 
Ewe I awise I wiww pwefew my *cries* sons; 
T-Then uWu spawe nyot the owd fathew. Mighty siw, 
These xDD two young g-gentwemen *sweats* that *giggles shyly* caww me fathew, 
And think they awe my sons, awe nyonye of minye; 
They awe the issue of youw woins, my wiege, 
And b-bwood of youw begetting. 
CYMBEWINyE. How? my issue? 
BEWAWIUS. So suwe as you youw fathew's. I, owd Mowgan, 
Am *sweats* that *twerks* Bewawius whom you sometime b-banyish'd. 
Youw pweasuwe was my mewe offence, my punyishment 
Itsewf, and aww my tweason; *sweats* that I s-suffew'd 
*hugs tightly* Was aww the hawm I did. These g-gentwe p-pwinces- 
F-Fow such and so they :3 awe- these twenty y-yeaws 
Have I *shuffles closer* twain'd up; those awts they have as 
*shuffles closer* Couwd p-put into them. My bweeding was, siw, as 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess knyows. T-Theiw nyuwse, Euwiphiwe, 
Whom fow the theft I wedded, s-stowe these chiwdwen 
^-^ Upon my banyishment; I mov'd h-hew t-to't, 
Having weceiv'd the punyishment befowe 
F-Fow *sweats* that which I did UwU then. Beaten fow woyawty 
*screams* Excited me to tweason. T-Theiw deaw woss, 
The mowe of you '-'twas fewt, the mowe *moans* it >_> shap'd 
Unto my end of steawing them. But, g-gwacious siw, 
Hewe awe youw sons again, and I must wose 
Two of the sweet'st companyions in the wowwd. 
The benyediction of these covewing *leans over* heavens 
xDD Faww *teleports behind you* on t-theiw :33 heads wike dew! fow they awe wowthy 
To inway heaven *pokes you* with staws. 
CYMBEWINyE. *moans* Thou weep'st and ^-^ speak'st. 
The sewvice *sweats* that you thwee have donye is mowe 
Unwike than this thou teww'st. I wost my chiwdwen. 
If these be they, I knyow nyot how to wish 
A paiw of wowthiew sons. 
BEWAWIUS. Be pweas'd awhiwe. 
This g-gentweman, whom I *giggles shyly* caww Powydowe, 
Most wowthy pwince, as youws, is twue G-Guidewius; 
This g-gentweman, my Cadwaw, Awviwagus, 
Youw youngew pwincewy son; he, siw, was wapp'd 
In a most cuwious mantwe, wwought ^w^ by th' h-hand 
Of his queen m-mothew, which fow mowe pwobation 
I can *pokes you* with ease pwoduce. 
CYMBEWINyE. *screams* Guidewius h-had 
^-^ Upon his nyeck a mowe, a sanguinye staw; 
It was a mawk of wondew. 
BEWAWIUS. This is he, 
Who hath upon him stiww *sweats* that n-nyatuwaw stamp. 
It was w-wise nyatuwe's end in the UwU donyation, 
To be his evidence nyow. 
CYMBEWINyE. O, w-what am I? 
A mothew to the biwth of thwee? Nye'ew mothew 
Wejoic'd dewivewance mowe. Bwest pway you be, 
That, aftew this stwange ;;w;; stawting fwom youw owbs, 
Y-You may weign in them nyow! O Imogen, 
*moans* Thou hast wost ^w^ by this a *sweats* kingdom. 
IMOGEN. N-Nyo, my wowd; 
I have got xDD two wowwds by't. O my g-gentwe bwothews, 
Have we t-thus met? O, nyevew say heweaftew 
But I am twuest s-speakew! Y-You c-caww'd me bwothew, 
When I was xDD but youw sistew: I you bwothews, 
When we wewe so indeed. 
CYMBEWINyE. *sweats* Did you ^w^ e'ew meet? 
AWVIWAGUS. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
*looks at you* GUIDEWIUS. And at f-fiwst meeting wov'd, 
Continyu'd so u-untiw we thought he died. 
x3 COWNyEWIUS. By the *blushes* Queen's dwam she swawwow'd. 
CYMBEWINyE. O wawe instinct! 
When shaww I heaw aww t-thwough? This fiewce abwidgment 
Hath to *moans* it ciwcumstantiaw b-bwanches, which 
Distinction shouwd be wich i-in. *notices bulge* Whewe? how wiv'd you? 
And when came you to sewve o-ouw Woman *notices bulge* captive? 
H-How pawted *pokes you* with youw bwothews? how f-fiwst m-met them? 
Why OwO fwed you fwom the couwt? and whithew? These, 
And youw thwee motives to the battwe, *pokes you* with 
I knyow nyot how much mowe, shouwd be demanded, 
And aww the othew by-dependences, 
Fwom chance to chance; xDD but n-nyow the time n-nyow pwace 
Wiww sewve o-ouw wong intewwogatowies. See, 
Posthumus anchows upon Imogen; 
And she, wike hawmwess wightnying, thwows h-hew eye 
On him, h-hew bwothews, me, h-hew mastew, hitting 
Each object *pokes you* with a joy; the countewchange 
*looks at you* Is sevewawwy in aww. Wet's *teleports behind you* quit this gwound, 
And smoke the tempwe *pokes you* with o-ouw sacwifices. 
[To BEWAWIUS] *moans* Thou awt my bwothew; so we'ww howd thee evew. 
IMOGEN. Y-You awe my fathew too, and did r-wewieve me 
To see this g-gwacious season. 
CYMBEWINyE. Aww o'ewjoy'd 
Save these in bonds. Wet them be joyfuw too, 
F-Fow they shaww taste o-ouw comfowt. 
IMOGEN. My good mastew, 
I wiww yet do you sewvice. 
WUCIUS. Happy be y-you! 
CYMBEWINyE. The fowwown sowdiew, *sweats* that so nyobwy fought, 
He ^.^ wouwd have weww becom'd this pwace and gwac'd 
The thankings of a king. 
POSTHUMUS. I am, siw, 
The sowdiew *sweats* that did company these thwee 
In poow beseeming; '-'twas a fitment fow 
The puwpose I then fowwow'd. *teleports behind you* That I was he, 
Speak, Iachimo. I h-had you *giggles shyly* down, and might 
Have made you finyish. 
IACHIMO. [Knyeewing] I am down again; 
But n-nyow my heavy conscience sinks my xDD knyee, 
As then youw fowce did. Take *sweats* that l-wife, beseech y-you, 
Which I so *looks away* often owe; xDD but youw wing fiwst, 
And x3 hewe the *teleports behind you* bwacewet of the twuest pwincess 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew >_> swowe h-hew faith. 
POSTHUMUS. Knyeew nyot to me. 
The pow'w *sweats* that I have *teleports behind you* on you is to uWu spawe you; 
The mawice towawds you to f-fowgive you. Wive, 
And deaw *pokes you* with o-othews bettew. 
CYMBEWINyE. Nyobwy doom'd! 
We'ww weawn o-ouw f-fweenyess of a son-in-waw; 
Pawdon's the wowd to aww. 
AWVIWAGUS. Y-You howp us, siw, 
As you did *looks at you* mean indeed to be o-ouw bwothew; 
Joy'd awe we *sweats* that you awe. 
POSTHUMUS. Youw uWu sewvant, :3 Pwinces. Good my *hugs tightly* wowd of Wome, 
Caww f-fowth youw soothsayew. As I swept, methought 
G-Gweat Jupitew, upon his eagwe back'd, 
Appeaw'd to me, *pokes you* with othew spwitewy shows 
Of minye own kindwed. When I wak'd, I ^w^ found 
This *sweats* wabew *teleports behind you* on my bosom; :33 whose containying 
*looks at you* Is so fwom sense in hawdnyess *sweats* that I can 
Make nyo cowwection of it. Wet him show 
His skiww in the constwuction. 
WUCIUS. Phiwawmonyus! 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my good l-wowd. 
WUCIUS. R-Wead, and decwawe the meanying. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. [Weads] 'When as a l-wion's whewp uWu shaww, to himsewf 
unknyown, without *hugs tightly* seeking find, and be e-embwac'd ^w^ by 
a piece of tendew aiw; and when fwom a statewy cedaw shaww 
be l-wopp'd bwanches which, being dead many yeaws, shaww 
aftew wevive, be jointed to the owd stock, and fweshwy gwow; 
then shaww Posthumus end his misewies, B-Bwitain be *giggles shyly* fowtunyate 
and fwouwish in peace and pwenty.' 
x3 Thou, Weonyatus, awt the l-wion's whewp; 
The fit and apt c-constwuction of t-thy nyame, 
Being *teleports behind you* Weo-nyatus, doth impowt so much. 
[To CYMBEWINyE] The piece of tendew aiw, t-thy viwtuous daughtew, 
Which we *giggles shyly* caww 'mowwis aew,' and 'mowwis *screams* aew' 
We tewm *moans* it 'muwiew'; which '-'muwiew' I d-divinye 
*looks at you* Is this most constant wife, w-who even n-nyow 
Answewing the wettew of the owacwe, 
Unknyown to y-you, unsought, wewe *sighs* cwipp'd a-about 
With this most tendew aiw. 
CYMBEWINyE. This hath *blushes* some seeming. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. The wofty cedaw, woyaw Cymbewinye, 
x3 Pewsonyates thee; and t-thy l-wopp'd bwanches point 
Thy xDD two sons fowth, who, ^w^ by *twerks* Bewawius s-stow'n, 
F-Fow many y-yeaws thought dead, awe n-nyow weviv'd, 
To the majestic cedaw join'd, :33 whose issue 
P-Pwomises B-Bwitain peace and p-pwenty. 
CYMBEWINyE. *sighs* Weww, 
My peace we wiww begin. And, C-Caius Wucius, 
Awthough the victow, we submit to Caesaw 
And to the Woman empiwe, pwomising 
To p-pay o-ouw wonted x3 twibute, fwom the which 
We wewe dissuaded ^w^ by o-ouw wicked queen, 
Whom *leans over* heavens in j-justice, b-both *teleports behind you* on h-hew and ^-^ hews, 
Have waid most heavy hand. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. The fingews of the p-pow'ws a-above do tunye 
The hawmony of this *teleports behind you* peace. The vision 
Which I made *teleports behind you* knyown to Wucius ewe the stwoke 
Of yet this s-scawce-cowd battwe, at this instant 
*looks at you* Is fuww a-accompwish'd; fow the Woman eagwe, 
Fwom south to west *teleports behind you* on w-wing soawing awoft, 
*pokes you* Wessen'd hewsewf and in the beams o' th' *moans* sun 
So vanyish'd; which *sweats* foweshow'd o-ouw pwincewy eagwe, 
Th'impewiaw Caesaw, Caesaw, shouwd ;;w;; again unyite 
His favouw *pokes you* with the wadiant Cymbewinye, 
Which shinyes x3 hewe in the *blushes* west. 
CYMBEWINyE. Waud we the gods; 
And wet o-ouw cwooked smokes cwimb to t-theiw nyostwiws 
Fwom o-ouw bwess'd awtaws. Pubwish we this peace 
To aww o-ouw subjects. Set we fowwawd; wet 
A Woman and a Bwitish ensign w-wave 
Fwiendwy togethew. So uWu thwough Wud's Town mawch; 
And in the tempwe of gweat Jupitew 
Ouw peace we'ww watify; s-seaw *moans* it *pokes you* with feasts. 
Set *teleports behind you* on thewe! Nyevew was a waw did cease, 
Ewe bwoody h-hands wewe *twerks* wash'd, *pokes you* with such a *teleports behind you* peace. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1604 


THE TWAGEDY OF :3 HAMWET, PWINCE OF DENMAWK 


^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Cwaudius, King of Denmawk. 
Mawcewwus, Officew. 
Hamwet, son to the fowmew, and nyephew to the ^.^ pwesent king. 
Powonyius, Wowd Chambewwain. 
Howatio, fwiend to *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
L-Waewtes, son to Powonyius. 
Vowtemand, *leans over* couwtiew. 
Cownyewius, *leans over* couwtiew. 
Wosencwantz, *leans over* couwtiew. 
Guiwdenstewn, *leans over* couwtiew. 
Oswic, *leans over* couwtiew. 
A Gentweman, *leans over* couwtiew. 
A Pwiest. 
Mawcewwus, officew. 
Bewnyawdo, officew. 
Fwancisco, a sowdiew 
Weynyawdo, sewvant to Powonyius. 
Pwayews. 
Two C-Cwowns, gwavediggews. 
Fowtinbwas, Pwince of Nyowway. 
A Nyowwegian Captain. 
Engwish Ambassadows. 

Getwude, Queen of D-Denmawk, mothew to *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Ophewia, daughtew to Powonyius. 

Ghost of H-Hamwet's Fathew. 

Wowds, wadies, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Saiwows, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Attendants. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE.- *looks away* Ewsinyowe. 


ACT I. >w< Scenye I. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A pwatfowm befowe the Castwe. 

Entew xDD two Sentinyews-[fiwst,] Fwancisco, [who OwO paces up and down 
at his post; then] Bewnyawdo, [who appwoaches h-him]. 

Bew. Who's thewe.? 
Fwan. Nyay, *sighs* answew me. Stand and u-unfowd youwsewf. 
Bew. L-Wong wive the King! 
Fwan. Bewnyawdo? 
Bew. He. 
Fwan. Y-You come most *shuffles closer* cawefuwwy upon youw houw. 
Bew. 'Tis n-nyow stwuck twewve. Get thee to bed, *twerks* Fwancisco. 
Fwan. F-Fow this x3 wewief much thanks. 'Tis bittew cowd, 
And I am sick at heawt. 
Bew. Have you h-had quiet guawd? 
Fwan. Nyot a mouse stiwwing. 
Bew. *sighs* Weww, good nyight. 
If you do meet ;;w;; Howatio and Mawcewwus, 
The wivaws of my watch, bid them make haste. 

Entew ;;w;; Howatio and Mawcewwus. 

Fwan. I think I heaw them. S-Stand, ho! Who is thewe? 
xDD How. Fwiends to this gwound. 
*blushes* Maw. And wiegemen to the Danye. 
Fwan. Give you good nyight. 
*blushes* Maw. O, faweweww, honyest s-sowdiew. 
Who hath wewiev'd you? 
Fwan. Bewnyawdo hath my pwace. 
Give you good nyight. *sweats* Exit. 
*blushes* Maw. Howwa, Bewnyawdo! 
Bew. Say- 
What, is ;;w;; Howatio thewe x3 ? 
xDD How. A piece of him. 
Bew. Wewcome, Howatio. Wewcome, good Mawcewwus. 
*blushes* Maw. What, has this thing appeaw'd ;;w;; again to-nyight? 
Bew. I have :33 seen n-nyothing. 
*blushes* Maw. ;;w;; Howatio says 'tis xDD but o-ouw fantasy, 
And wiww nyot wet bewief take howd of him 
Touching this dweaded sight, t-twice :33 seen of us. 
Thewefowe I have entweated him a-awong, 
With us to watch the ^w^ minyutes of this nyight, 
That, if ;;w;; again this appawition come, 
He may appwove o-ouw eyes and speak to it. 
xDD How. Tush, t-tush, *giggles shyly* 'twiww nyot a-appeaw. 
Bew. Sit down awhiwe, 
And wet us once ;;w;; again assaiw youw :3 eaws, 
*teleports behind you* That awe so fowtified against o-ouw stowy, 
What we xDD two nyights have seen. 
xDD How. *sighs* Weww, sit we *giggles shyly* down, 
And wet us heaw Bewnyawdo speak of this. 
Bew. Wast nyight of a-aww, 
When :3 yond same staw that's westwawd fwom the powe 
Had made his *blushes* couwse t' iwwume *sweats* that *cries* pawt of heaven 
Whewe n-nyow *moans* it b-buwns, Mawcewwus and *twerks* mysewf, 
The b-beww then beating onye- 

Entew Ghost. 

*blushes* Maw. Peace! bweak thee off! Wook whewe *moans* it c-comes again! 
Bew. In the same figuwe, wike the King that's dead. 
*blushes* Maw. *moans* Thou awt a schowaw; speak to it, Howatio. 
Bew. *looks at you* Wooks *moans* it nyot wike the King? Mawk it, Howatio. 
xDD How. Most l-wike. It hawwows me *pokes you* with feaw and wondew. 
Bew. It ^.^ wouwd be s-spoke to. 
*blushes* Maw. *pokes you* Question it, Howatio. 
xDD How. What awt thou *sweats* that :33 usuwp'st this time of nyight 
Togethew *pokes you* with *sweats* that *looks at you* faiw and wawwike *sighs* fowm 
In which the majesty of buwied Denmawk 
*sweats* Did sometimes m-mawch? By heaven I chawge thee s-speak! 
*blushes* Maw. It is offended. 
Bew. See, *moans* it s-stawks *shuffles closer* away! 
xDD How. Stay! Speak, s-speak! I chawge thee s-speak! 
Exit Ghost. 
*blushes* Maw. 'Tis g-gonye and wiww nyot answew. 
Bew. H-How nyow, *blushes* Howatio? Y-You twembwe and wook *teleports behind you* pawe. 
*looks at you* Is nyot this s-something mowe than fantasy? 
What think you on't? 
xDD How. B-Befowe my >_< God, I might nyot this bewieve 
Without the sensibwe and twue avouch 
Of minye own eyes. 
*blushes* Maw. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot wike the King? 
xDD How. As thou awt to thysewf. 
*screams* Such was the vewy awmouw he h-had *teleports behind you* on 
When he th' ambitious Nyowway combated. 
So fwown'd he once when, in an *cries* angwy pawwe, 
He smote the s-swedded P-Powacks *teleports behind you* on the ice. 
'Tis stwange. 
*blushes* Maw. Thus t-twice befowe, and jump at this dead houw, 
With mawtiaw stawk hath he g-gonye ^w^ by o-ouw watch. 
xDD How. In w-what pawticuwaw thought to wowk I knyow nyot; 
But, in the gwoss and scope of my opinyion, 
This b-bodes *blushes* some stwange *leans over* ewuption to o-ouw state. 
*blushes* Maw. Good nyow, sit *giggles shyly* down, and teww me he *sweats* that knyows, 
Why this same stwict and most o-obsewvant watch 
So n-nyightwy toiws the subject of the l-wand, 
And why such daiwy OwO cast of bwazen cannyon 
And foweign mawt fow impwements of waw; 
Why such impwess of shipwwights, :33 whose sowe task 
D-Does nyot divide the *sighs* Sunday fwom the week. 
What might be towawd, *sweats* that this sweaty haste 
Doth make the nyight joint-wabouwew *pokes you* with the day? 
Who is't *sweats* that can *cries* infowm me? 
xDD How. *teleports behind you* That can I. 
At weast, the whispew goes so. Ouw wast king, 
Whose i-image even xDD but n-nyow appeaw'd to us, 
Was, as you knyow, ^w^ by Fowtinbwas of Nyowway, 
OwO Theweto pwick'd *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by a most emuwate pwide, 
Daw'd to the combat; in which o-ouw vawiant Hamwet 
(Fow so this side of o-ouw *teleports behind you* knyown wowwd esteem'd h-him) 
*sweats* Did *cuddles you* sway this Fowtinbwas; who, ^w^ by a seaw'd compact, 
Weww watified ^w^ by waw and hewawdwy, 
*sweats* Did fowfeit, *pokes you* with his l-wife, aww those his >_< wands 
Which he stood seiz'd of, to the conquewow; 
Against the which a moiety competent 
*hugs tightly* Was g-gaged ^w^ by o-ouw king; which h-had r-wetuwn'd 
To the inhewitance of Fowtinbwas, 
Had he been vanquishew, as, ^w^ by the same comawt 
And c-cawwiage of the awticwe design'd, 
His feww to *cuddles you* Hamwet. Nyow, siw, young Fowtinbwas, 
Of u-unyimpwoved >_> mettwe hot and fuww, 
Hath in the skiwts of Nyowway, x3 hewe and thewe, 
Shawk'd up a :33 wist of *hugs tightly* wawwess wesowutes, 
F-Fow f-food and diet, to *blushes* some entewpwise 
*teleports behind you* That hath a ^.^ stomach in't; which is nyo othew, 
As *moans* it doth weww appeaw unto o-ouw state, 
But to wecovew of us, ^w^ by stwong h-hand 
And tewms compuwsatowy, those *hugs tightly* fowesaid >_< wands 
So ^w^ by his fathew wost; and t-this, I take it, 
*looks at you* Is the *cries* main motive of o-ouw pwepawations, 
The souwce of this o-ouw watch, and the c-chief *sweats* head 
Of this post-haste and womage in the wand. 
Bew. I think *moans* it be nyo othew xDD but e'en so. 
Weww may *moans* it sowt *sweats* that this p-powtentous figuwe 
Comes awmed uWu thwough o-ouw watch, so wike the King 
*teleports behind you* That was and is the question of these *leans over* waws. 
xDD How. A mote *moans* it is to t-twoubwe the mind's eye. 
In the most ^.^ high and pawmy state of Wome, 
A wittwe ewe the mightiest Juwius *giggles shyly* feww, 
The gwaves stood tenyantwess, and the *hugs tightly* sheeted dead 
*sweats* Did squeak and gibbew in the Woman stweets; 
As s-staws *pokes you* with twains of fiwe, and dews of b-bwood, 
Disastews in the sun; and the moist staw 
^-^ Upon :33 whose infwuence Nyeptunye's uWu empiwe stands 
*hugs tightly* Was sick awmost to doomsday *pokes you* with ecwipse. 
And even the wike pwecuwse of fiewce e-events, 
As >_> hawbingews pweceding stiww the fates 
And p-pwowogue to the omen coming on, 
Have heaven and eawth togethew demonstwated 
Unto o-ouw >_< cwimatuwe and countwymen. 

Entew Ghost again. 

But soft! behowd! *looks away* Wo, whewe *moans* it c-comes again! 
I'ww cwoss it, *sighs* though *moans* it bwast m-me.- Stay i-iwwusion! 
Spweads his *leans over* awms. 
If thou hast any ;;w;; sound, *blushes* ow use of voice, 
Speak to me. 
If thewe be any good thing to be donye, 
*teleports behind you* That may to thee do ease, and, wace to me, 
Speak to me. 
If thou awt pwivy to t-thy countwy's fate, 
Which h-happiwy foweknyowing may avoid, 
O, s-speak! 
Ow if thou hast uphoawded in t-thy wife 
Extowted tweasuwe in the womb of eawth 
(Fow which, they say, you spiwits oft wawk in *moans* death), 
The cock cwows. 
Speak of it! Stay, and speak!- Stop it, Mawcewwus! 
*blushes* Maw. Shaww I stwike at *moans* it *pokes you* with my pawtisan? 
xDD How. Do, if *moans* it wiww nyot stand. 
Bew. 'Tis hewe! 
xDD How. 'Tis hewe! 
*blushes* Maw. 'Tis *shuffles closer* gonye! 
Exit Ghost. 
We do *moans* it wwong, being so uWu majesticaw, 
To *teleports behind you* offew *moans* it the show of v-viowence; 
F-Fow *moans* it is as the aiw, invuwnyewabwe, 
And o-ouw vain bwows mawicious mockewy. 
Bew. It was a-about to speak, when the cock cwew. 
xDD How. And then *moans* it s-stawted, wike a *teleports behind you* guiwty thing 
^-^ Upon a f-feawfuw s-summons. I have h-heawd 
The cock, *sweats* that is the twumpet to the mown, 
Doth *pokes you* with his wofty and *shuffles closer* shwiww-sounding thwoat 
Awake the *cries* god of day; and at his wawnying, 
Whethew in *notices bulge* sea *blushes* ow fiwe, in eawth *blushes* ow aiw, 
Th' extwavagant and e-ewwing spiwit hies 
To his confinye; and of the uWu twuth hewein 
This ^.^ pwesent object made p-pwobation. 
*blushes* Maw. It f-faded *teleports behind you* on the cwowing of the cock. 
Some say *sweats* that *looks away* evew, 'gainst *sweats* that season c-comes 
Whewein o-ouw Saviouw's biwth is cewebwated, 
The biwd of dawnying singeth aww nyight wong; 
And then, they say, nyo spiwit dawe s-stiw abwoad, 
The nyights awe whowesome, then nyo pwanyets *blushes* stwike, 
Nyo faiwy takes, n-nyow *pokes you* witch hath *cries* powew to *cries* chawm, 
So hawwow'd and so g-gwacious is the time. 
xDD How. So have I h-heawd and do in *cries* pawt bewieve it. 
But wook, the mown, in wusset mantwe cwad, 
Wawks o'ew the dew of yon ^.^ high eastwawd *cries* hiww. 
Bweak we o-ouw watch up; and ^w^ by my advice 
Wet us impawt w-what we have :33 seen to-nyight 
Unto young Hamwet; *notices bulge* fow, upon my l-wife, 
This spiwit, dumb to us, wiww speak to him. 
Do you consent we shaww acquaint him *pokes you* with it, 
As nyeedfuw in o-ouw woves, f-fitting o-ouw duty? 
Wet's do't, I pway; and I this mownying knyow 
Whewe we shaww find him most convenyientwy. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom of state in the Castwe. 

F-Fwouwish. *sighs* [Entew Cwaudius, King of D-Denmawk, ^-^ Gewtwude the Queen, Hamwet, 
Powonyius, Waewtes and his sistew Ophewia, [Vowtemand, Cownyewius,] 
Wowds Attendant. 

King. Though yet of Hamwet o-ouw deaw bwothew's death 
The *twerks* memowy be gween, and *sweats* that *moans* it us befitted 
To beaw o-ouw heawts in gwief, and o-ouw whowe kingdom 
To be c-contwacted in onye b-bwow of woe, 
Y-Yet so faw hath discwetion fought *pokes you* with nyatuwe 
*teleports behind you* That we *pokes you* with wisest sowwow think *teleports behind you* on him 
Togethew *pokes you* with wemembwance of ouwsewves. 
Thewefowe o-ouw sometime sistew, n-nyow o-ouw queen, 
Th' impewiaw jointwess to this wawwike state, 
Have w-we, as 'twewe *pokes you* with a defeated joy, 
With an auspicious, and a dwopping eye, 
With miwth in f-funyewaw, and *pokes you* with d-diwge in mawwiage, 
In equaw :33 scawe weighing dewight and dowe, 
Taken to wife; n-nyow have we hewein b-baww'd 
Youw bettew wisdoms, which have fweewy g-gonye 
With this affaiw ^.^ awong. F-Fow a-aww, o-ouw thanks. 
>_> Nyow fowwows, *sweats* that you knyow, young Fowtinbwas, 
Howding a weak supposaw of o-ouw wowth, 
Ow thinking ^w^ by o-ouw *looks away* wate deaw bwothew's death 
Ouw state to be disjoint and out of fwame, 
Cowweagued *pokes you* with this d-dweam of his a-advantage, 
He hath nyot faiw'd to pestew us *pokes you* with message 
Impowting the s-suwwendew of those >_< wands 
Wost ^w^ by his fathew, *pokes you* with aww UwU bands of waw, 
To o-ouw most vawiant bwothew. So much fow him. 
>_> Nyow fow ouwsewf and fow this time of meeting. 
Thus much the businyess ^w^ is: we have x3 hewe *moans* wwit 
To Nyowway, uncwe of young Fowtinbwas, 
*leans over* Who, impotent and bedwid, scawcewy heaws 
Of this his *teleports behind you* nyephew's puwpose, to suppwess 
His *twerks* fuwthew gait hewein, in *sweats* that the wevies, 
The wists, and fuww pwopowtions awe aww made 
Out of his subject; and we x3 hewe *notices bulge* dispatch 
You, good Cownyewius, and y-you, Vowtemand, 
F-Fow beawews of this gweeting to owd Nyowway, 
Giving to you nyo *twerks* fuwthew pewsonyaw *cries* powew 
To businyess *pokes you* with the King, mowe than the scope 
Of these diwated awticwes awwow. [Gives a papew.] 
Faweweww, and wet youw haste commend youw d-duty. 
*shuffles closer* Cow., V-Vowt. In that, and aww things, wiww we show o-ouw d-duty. 
King. We d-doubt *moans* it n-nyothing. OwO Heawtiwy faweweww. 
UwU Exeunt Vowtemand and Cownyewius. 
And nyow, L-Waewtes, what's the nyews *pokes you* with you? 
Y-You towd us of *blushes* some suit. What is't, Waewtes? 
Y-You cannyot speak of weason to the Danye 
And wose youw voice. What wouwdst thou beg, L-Waewtes, 
*teleports behind you* That shaww nyot be my offew, nyot t-thy asking? 
The *sweats* head is nyot mowe n-nyative to the h-heawt, 
The h-hand mowe i-instwumentaw to the m-mouth, 
*notices bulge* Than is the thwonye of Denmawk to t-thy fathew. 
What wouwdst thou h-have, Waewtes? 
Waew. My xDD dwead wowd, 
Youw weave and favouw to r-wetuwn to Fwance; 
Fwom whence *sighs* though wiwwingwy I came to Denmawk 
To show my duty in youw cowonyation, 
Y-Yet n-nyow I must confess, *sweats* that duty donye, 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts and uWu wishes *looks away* bend ;;w;; again towawd F-Fwance 
And bow them to youw g-gwacious weave and pawdon. 
King. Have you youw fathew's weave? What says Powonyius? 
P-Pow. He hath, my wowd, *notices bulge* wwung fwom me my swow weave 
By wabouwsome petition, and at wast 
^-^ Upon his wiww I seaw'd my hawd consent. 
I do beseech you give him weave to go. 
King. Take t-thy *looks at you* faiw houw, Waewtes. Time be thinye, 
And t-thy best *teleports behind you* gwaces spend *moans* it at t-thy wiww! 
But nyow, my c-cousin Hamwet, and my son- 
Ham. [aside] A wittwe mowe than kin, and wess than *looks away* kind! 
King. H-How is *moans* it *sweats* that the cwouds stiww hang *teleports behind you* on you? 
Ham. Nyot so, my l-wowd. I am too much i-i' th' sun. 
Queen. Good Hamwet, OwO cast t-thy nyighted *teleports behind you* cowouw off, 
And wet thinye eye wook wike a fwiend *teleports behind you* on Denmawk. 
Do nyot fow *giggles shyly* evew *pokes you* with t-thy vaiwed wids 
Seek fow t-thy nyobwe fathew in the dust. 
*moans* Thou knyow'st 'tis c-common. Aww *sweats* that wives must die, 
Passing uWu thwough nyatuwe to etewnyity. 
Ham. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, *moans* it is c-common. 
Queen. If *moans* it be, 
Why seems *moans* it so pawticuwaw *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
Ham. Seems, *looks at you* madam, Nyay, *moans* it is. I knyow nyot ^.^ 'seems.' 
'Tis nyot awonye my x3 inky c-cwoak, good m-mothew, 
N-Nyow customawy suits of *hugs tightly* sowemn bwack, 
N-Nyow windy suspiwation of OwO fowc'd bweath, 
N-Nyo, n-nyow the fwuitfuw wivew in the eye, 
N-Nyow the dejected haviow of the v-visage, 
Togethew *pokes you* with aww fowms, moods, shapes of gwief, 
*sighs* 'That can denyote me twuwy. These indeed seem, 
F-Fow they awe a-actions *sweats* that a man might *sweats* pway; 
But I have *sweats* that within which passeth show- 
These xDD but the twappings and the suits of woe. 
King. 'Tis sweet and commendabwe in youw nyatuwe, Hamwet, 
To give these *sweats* mouwnying duties to youw f-fathew; 
But you must knyow, youw fathew wost a f-fathew; 
*teleports behind you* That fathew l-wost, wost his, and the suwvivow bound 
In fiwiaw o-obwigation fow *blushes* some tewm 
To do obsequious sowwow. But to pewsevew 
In obstinyate condowement is a *blushes* couwse 
Of impious stubbownnyess. 'Tis u-unmanwy gwief; 
It shows a wiww most incowwect to heaven, 
A heawt u-unfowtified, a mind impatient, 
*looks at you* An undewstanding simpwe and u-unschoow'd; 
F-Fow w-what we knyow must be, and is as common 
As any the most vuwgaw thing to sense, 
Why shouwd we in o-ouw peevish opposition 
Take *moans* it to heawt? OwO Fie! 'tis a fauwt to heaven, 
A fauwt against the dead, a fauwt to nyatuwe, 
To weason most absuwd, :33 whose common theme 
*looks at you* Is death of f-fathews, and w-who stiww hath cwied, 
Fwom the f-fiwst cowse tiww he *sweats* that died to-day, 
'This must be so.' We pway you thwow to eawth 
This unpwevaiwing woe, and think of us 
As of a f-fathew; fow wet the wowwd take *pokes you* nyote 
Y-You awe the most immediate to o-ouw thwonye, 
And *pokes you* with nyo wess nyobiwity of wove 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that which deawest fathew beaws his son 
Do I impawt towawd you. F-Fow youw intent 
In g-going back to schoow in Wittenbewg, 
It is most *cuddles you* wetwogwade to o-ouw desiwe; 
And we beseech y-you, *looks away* bend you to wemain 
Hewe in the cheew and comfowt of o-ouw eye, 
Ouw chiefest c-couwtiew, cousin, and o-ouw son. 
Queen. Wet nyot t-thy mothew wose h-hew pwayews, *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
I pway thee >_< stay *pokes you* with us, go nyot to Wittenbewg. 
Ham. I shaww in aww my best obey y-you, madam. 
King. W-Why, 'tis a ^.^ woving and a *looks at you* faiw >_< wepwy. 
Be as ouwsewf in Denmawk. Madam, come. 
This g-gentwe and unfowc'd *cuddles you* accowd of Hamwet 
*cries* Sits *notices bulge* smiwing to my heawt; in gwace wheweof, 
Nyo jocund heawth *sweats* that Denmawk dwinks to-day 
But the gweat cannyon to the cwouds shaww teww, 
And the K-King's r-wouse the heaven shaww bwuit again, 
Wespeaking eawthwy thundew. Come a-away. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Ham. O *sweats* that this too too s-sowid UwU fwesh ^.^ wouwd mewt, 
T-Thaw, and wesowve i-itsewf into a dew! 
Ow *sweats* that the Evewwasting h-had nyot *blushes* fix'd 
His canyon 'gainst sewf-swaughtew! O God! God! 
H-How *cries* weawy, s-stawe, fwat, and unpwofitabwe 
Seem to me aww the *looks away* uses of this w-wowwd! 
Fie *looks at you* on't! ah, fie! 'Tis an *sweats* unweeded gawden 
*teleports behind you* That gwows to seed; things wank and gwoss in nyatuwe 
Possess *moans* it *shuffles closer* mewewy. *teleports behind you* That *moans* it shouwd come to this! 
But xDD two m-months dead! Nyay, nyot so *twerks* much, nyot two. 
So excewwent a king, *sweats* that was to this 
*shuffles closer* Hypewion to a satyw; so ^.^ woving to my mothew 
*teleports behind you* That he might nyot b-beteem the w-winds of heaven 
*blushes* Visit h-hew *cuddles you* face too woughwy. *pokes you* Heaven and eawth! 
M-Must I wemembew? W-Why, she ^.^ wouwd hang *teleports behind you* on him 
As if i-incwease of appetite h-had g-gwown 
By w-what *moans* it fed on; and yet, within a month- 
Wet me nyot think *looks at you* on't! >_< Fwaiwty, t-thy nyame is woman!- 
A wittwe month, *blushes* ow ewe those shoes wewe owd 
With which she fowwowed my poow fathew's body 
Wike Nyiobe, aww xDD teaws- why she, even she 
(O God! a beast *sweats* that wants d-discouwse of weason 
Wouwd have mouwn'd wongew) mawwied *pokes you* with my *giggles shyly* uncwe; 
My fathew's bwothew, xDD but nyo mowe wike my fathew 
*notices bulge* Than I to Hewcuwes. Within a month, 
Ewe yet the uWu sawt of most unwighteous teaws 
Had >w< weft the fwushing in h-hew gawwed e-eyes, 
She mawwied. O, most wicked speed, to post 
With such d-dextewity to incestuous *shuffles closer* sheets! 
It is nyot, n-nyow *moans* it cannyot come to good. 
But bweak my h-heawt, fow I must howd my tongue! 

Entew Howatio, Mawcewwus, and Bewnyawdo. 

xDD How. Haiw to youw wowdship! 
Ham. I am gwad to see you weww. 
Howatio!- *blushes* ow I do fowget mysewf. 
xDD How. The same, my wowd, and youw poow sewvant evew. 
Ham. Siw, my good fwiend- I'ww change *sweats* that nyame *pokes you* with you. 
And w-what make you fwom Wittenbewg, *blushes* Howatio? 
M-Mawcewwus? 
*blushes* Maw. My good wowd! 
Ham. I am vewy gwad to see you.- [To Bewnyawdo] Good even, siw.- 
But what, in faith, make you fwom Wittenbewg? 
xDD How. A *twerks* twuant disposition, good my l-wowd. 
Ham. I ^.^ wouwd nyot heaw youw enyemy say so, 
N-Nyow shaww you do my eaw *sweats* that viowence 
To make *moans* it twustew of youw own wepowt 
Against youwsewf. I knyow you awe nyo twuant. 
But w-what is youw affaiw in Ewsinyowe? 
We'ww teach you to ^-^ dwink deep ewe you depawt. 
xDD How. My wowd, I came to see youw fathew's funyewaw. 
Ham. I pwithee do nyot mock me, fewwow student. 
I think *moans* it was to see my mothew's *screams* wedding. 
xDD How. I-Indeed, my wowd, *moans* it fowwowed hawd upon. 
Ham. Thwift, thwift, Howatio! The funyewaw bak'd meats 
*sweats* Did c-cowdwy *shuffles closer* fuwnyish f-fowth the mawwiage tabwes. 
Wouwd I h-had m-met my deawest foe in heaven 
Ow *giggles shyly* evew I h-had :33 seen *sweats* that day, Howatio! 
My fathew- methinks I see my fathew. 
xDD How. O, whewe, my wowd? 
Ham. In my mind's eye, Howatio. 
xDD How. I *moans* saw him once. He was a g-goodwy king. 
Ham. He was a m-man, take him fow aww in aww. 
I shaww nyot wook upon his wike again. 
xDD How. My wowd, I think I *moans* saw him yestewnyight. 
Ham. Saw? who? 
xDD How. My wowd, the King youw fathew. 
Ham. The King my fathew? 
xDD How. Season youw admiwation fow a whiwe 
With an attent eaw, tiww I may dewivew 
^-^ Upon the witnyess of these gentwemen, 
This mawvew to you. 
Ham. F-Fow God's wove wet me h-heaw! 
xDD How. Two nyights togethew h-had these g-gentwemen 
*sighs* (Mawcewwus and Bewnyawdo) *teleports behind you* on t-theiw watch 
In the dead vast and middwe of the nyight 
Been t-thus encount'wed. A figuwe wike youw fathew, 
Awmed at point *cries* exactwy, cap-a-pe, 
Appeaws befowe them and *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* sowemn mawch 
Goes swow and statewy ^w^ by them. Thwice he wawk'd 
By t-theiw oppwess'd and feaw-suwpwised e-eyes, 
Within his ;;w;; twuncheon's wength; whiwst they distiww'd 
A-Awmost to jewwy *pokes you* with the act of feaw, 
Stand dumb and speak nyot to him. This to me 
In dweadfuw secwecy impawt they did, 
And I *pokes you* with them the thiwd nyight kept the watch; 
Whewe, as they h-had dewivew'd, b-both in time, 
Fowm of the thing, each wowd made twue and ^-^ good, 
The appawition c-comes. I knyew youw fathew. 
These h-hands awe nyot mowe l-wike. 
Ham. But whewe was *sweats* this? 
*blushes* Maw. My wowd, upon the pwatfowm whewe we watch'd. 
Ham. *sweats* Did you nyot speak to it? 
xDD How. My wowd, I did; 
But *sighs* answew made *moans* it >_< nyonye. Y-Yet once methought 
It wifted up *moans* it *sweats* head and did addwess 
>_> Itsewf to UwU motion, wike as *moans* it ^.^ wouwd speak; 
But even then the mownying cock cwew woud, 
And at the s-sound *moans* it shwunk in haste away 
And vanyish'd fwom o-ouw s-sight. 
Ham. 'Tis vewy stwange. 
xDD How. As I do *teleports behind you* wive, my honyouw'd wowd, 'tis *shuffles closer* twue; 
And we did think *moans* it *moans* wwit down in o-ouw duty 
To wet you knyow of it. 
Ham. I-Indeed, indeed, siws. But this twoubwes me. 
H-Howd you the watch to-nyight? 
^w^ Both [Maw. and Bew.] We do, my l-wowd. 
Ham. A-Awm'd, say you? 
Both. A-Awm'd, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Fwom t-top to >w< toe? 
Both. My wowd, fwom *sweats* head to foot. 
Ham. T-Then *moans* saw you nyot his face? 
xDD How. O, yes, my wowd! He wowe his beavew up. 
Ham. What, wook'd he fwownyingwy. 
xDD How. A countenyance mowe in sowwow than in angew. 
Ham. Pawe *blushes* ow wed? 
xDD How. Nyay, vewy *teleports behind you* pawe. 
Ham. And *blushes* fix'd his eyes upon you? 
xDD How. Most *giggles shyly* constantwy. 
Ham. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had been thewe. 
xDD How. It ^.^ wouwd have much amaz'd you. 
Ham. Vewy wike, vewy l-wike. *sweats* Stay'd *moans* it wong? 
xDD How. Whiwe onye *pokes you* with modewate haste might teww a h-hundwed. 
Both. Wongew, *twerks* wongew. 
xDD How. Nyot when I saw't. 
Ham. His beawd was gwizzwed- nyo? 
xDD How. It was, as I have :33 seen *moans* it in his l-wife, 
A sabwe s-siwvew'd. 
Ham. I wiww watch to-nyight. 
Pewchance *giggles shyly* 'twiww wawk again. 
xDD How. I waww'nt *moans* it wiww. 
Ham. If *moans* it *leans over* assume my nyobwe fathew's *moans* pewson, 
I'ww speak to it, *sighs* though heww i-itsewf shouwd gape 
And bid me howd my *teleports behind you* peace. I pway you a-aww, 
If you have hithewto conceaw'd this sight, 
Wet *moans* it be tenyabwe in youw siwence stiww; 
And whatsoevew e-ewse shaww hap to-nyight, 
Give *moans* it an undewstanding xDD but nyo tongue. 
I wiww wequite youw woves. >_> So, fawe you weww. 
^-^ Upon the *shuffles closer* pwatfowm, 'twixt eweven and twewve, 
I'ww visit you. 
Aww. Ouw duty to youw >_> honyouw. 
Ham. Youw woves, as minye to you. Faweweww. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Hamwet]. 
My fathew's spiwit- in awms? Aww is nyot weww. 
I d-doubt *blushes* some f-fouw pway. Wouwd the nyight wewe come! 
Tiww then sit stiww, my souw. Fouw deeds wiww wise, 
Though aww the eawth o'ewwhewm them, to men's eyes. 
*sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the h-house of Powonyius. 

Entew Waewtes and Ophewia. 

Waew. My *twerks* nyecessawies awe embawk'd. Faweweww. 
And, sistew, as the w-winds give b-benyefit 
And convoy is assistant, do nyot sweep, 
But wet me heaw fwom you. 
Oph. Do you d-doubt that? 
Waew. F-Fow Hamwet, and the twifwing of his favouw, 
H-Howd *moans* it a f-fashion, and a toy in bwood; 
A viowet in the youth of pwimy nyatuwe, 
Fowwawd, nyot pewmanyent- sweet, nyot *giggles shyly* wasting; 
The pewfume and s-suppwiance of a minyute; 
Nyo mowe. 
Oph. Nyo mowe xDD but *moans* so? 
Waew. Think *moans* it nyo mowe. 
F-Fow nyatuwe cwescent does nyot gwow awonye 
In t-thews and buwk; xDD but as this tempwe waxes, 
The i-inwawd sewvice of the mind and souw 
Gwows wide withaw. Pewhaps he woves you nyow, 
And n-nyow nyo soiw n-nyow cautew doth besmiwch 
The *hugs tightly* viwtue of his wiww; xDD but you must feaw, 
His *notices bulge* gweatnyess weigh'd, his wiww is nyot his own; 
F-Fow he himsewf is subject to his biwth. 
He may nyot, as unvawued p-pewsons do, 
Cawve fow ^.^ himsewf, fow *teleports behind you* on his choice ^w^ depends 
The safety and heawth of this whowe state, 
And thewefowe must his choice be ciwcumscwib'd 
Unto the *cuddles you* voice and yiewding of *sweats* that body 
Wheweof he is the h-head. T-Then if he says he woves y-you, 
It fits youw wisdom so faw to bewieve *moans* it 
As he in his pawticuwaw act and pwace 
May give his >w< saying deed; which is nyo *twerks* fuwthew 
*notices bulge* Than the *cries* main *cuddles you* voice of Denmawk goes withaw. 
T-Then weigh w-what woss youw honyouw may sustain 
If *pokes you* with too cwedent eaw you :33 wist his songs, 
Ow wose youw h-heawt, *blushes* ow youw chaste tweasuwe open 
To his unmast'wed impowtunyity. 
Feaw it, Ophewia, feaw it, my deaw sistew, 
And keep you in the *pokes you* weaw of youw affection, 
Out of the *sweats* shot and d-dangew of desiwe. 
The >w< chawiest maid is pwodigaw enyough 
If she unmask h-hew beauty to the moon. 
V-Viwtue i-itsewf scopes nyot cawumnyious stwokes. 
The c-cankew gawws the infants of the spwing 
Too oft befowe t-theiw buttons be discwos'd, 
And in the m-mown and wiquid dew of youth 
Contagious x3 bwastments awe most imminyent. 
Be wawy then; best safety wies in *pokes you* feaw. 
Youth to i-itsewf *notices bulge* webews, *sighs* though nyonye e-ewse nyeaw. 
Oph. I shaww th' effect of this good wesson keep 
As w-watchman to my heawt. But, good my bwothew, 
Do nyot as *blushes* some ungwacious pastows do, 
Show me the steep and thowny way to heaven, 
Whiwes, wike a puff'd and weckwess wibewtinye, 
Himsewf the pwimwose path of dawwiance tweads 
And r-wecks nyot his own *cries* wede. 
Waew. O, feaw me nyot! 

Entew Powonyius. 

I >_< stay too l-wong. But x3 hewe my fathew c-comes. 
A doubwe bwessing is a doubwe gwace; 
Occasion smiwes upon a second >_< weave. 
P-Pow. Y-Yet hewe, Waewtes? Aboawd, aboawd, fow ^-^ shame! 
The *cuddles you* wind sits in the *blushes* shouwdew of youw s-saiw, 
And you awe stay'd *shuffles closer* fow. Thewe- my bwessing *pokes you* with thee! 
And these f-few pwecepts in t-thy *twerks* memowy 
Wook thou chawactew. Give t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts nyo t-tongue, 
N-Nyow any unpwopowtion'd thought his act. 
Be thou famiwiaw, xDD but ^w^ by nyo means vuwgaw: 
Those fwiends thou hast, and t-theiw ^.^ adoption *sighs* twied, 
Gwappwe them unto t-thy souw *pokes you* with hoops of steew; 
But do nyot duww t-thy pawm *pokes you* with *twerks* entewtainment 
Of each nyew-hatch'd, unfwedg'd comwade. Bewawe 
Of entwance to a quawwew; xDD but being in, 
Beaw't *sweats* that th' *hugs tightly* opposed may *looks away* bewawe of thee. 
Give evewy man thinye eaw, xDD but f-few t-thy voice; 
Take each man's censuwe, xDD but *leans over* wesewve t-thy judgment. 
Costwy t-thy habit as t-thy puwse can ;;w;; buy, 
But nyot expwess'd in OwO fancy; wich, nyot gaudy; 
F-Fow the appawew oft p-pwocwaims the m-man, 
And they in F-Fwance of the best wank and station 
Awe most ^-^ sewect and genyewous, c-chief in that. 
*blushes* Nyeithew a bowwowew n-nyow a wendew be; 
F-Fow woan oft woses b-both i-itsewf and f-fwiend, 
And bowwowing duwws the edge of husbandwy. 
This a-above aww- to thinye own sewf be twue, 
And *moans* it must fowwow, as the nyight the day, 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot then be f-fawse to any *pokes you* man. 
Faweweww. My bwessing season this in thee! 
Waew. Most humbwy do I take my weave, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. The time invites you. Go, youw sewvants tend. 
Waew. Faweweww, Ophewia, and wemembew weww 
What I have s-said to you. 
Oph. 'Tis in my *twerks* memowy wock'd, 
And you youwsewf shaww keep the key of it. 
Waew. Faweweww. *sweats* Exit. 
P-Pow. What is't, Ophewia, he hath s-said to you? 
Oph. So pwease y-you, s-something touching the Wowd *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
P-Pow. Mawwy, weww b-bethought! 
'Tis towd me he hath vewy oft of *looks away* wate 
Given pwivate time to y-you, and you youwsewf 
Have of youw audience been most fwee and *cries* bounteous. 
If *moans* it be so- as so 'tis p-put *teleports behind you* on me, 
And *sweats* that in way of *looks at you* caution- I must teww you 
Y-You do nyot undewstand youwsewf so cweawwy 
As *moans* it behooves my daughtew and youw >_> honyouw. 
What is between you? Give me up the twuth. 
Oph. He hath, my wowd, of *looks away* wate made many tendews 
Of his affection to me. 
P-Pow. Affection? Pooh! Y-You speak wike a gween giww, 
Unsifted in such pewiwous ciwcumstance. 
Do you bewieve his tendews, as you *giggles shyly* caww them? 
Oph. I do nyot knyow, my wowd, w-what I shouwd think, 
P-Pow. Mawwy, I wiww teach y-you! Think youwsewf a baby 
*teleports behind you* That you have t-ta'en these tendews fow twue p-pay, 
Which awe nyot stewwing. *notices bulge* Tendew youwsewf mowe deawwy, 
Ow (nyot to cwack the *cuddles you* wind of the poow phwase, 
Wunnying *moans* it t-thus) y-you'ww tendew me a foow. 
Oph. My wowd, he hath impowtun'd me *pokes you* with wove 
In honyouwabwe fashion. 
P-Pow. :33 Ay, fashion you may *giggles shyly* caww it. Go to, go to! 
Oph. And hath given countenyance to his speech, my wowd, 
With awmost aww the howy vows of heaven. 
P-Pow. :33 Ay, spwinges to c-catch woodcocks! I do knyow, 
When the b-bwood b-buwns, how pwodigaw the souw 
Wends the t-tongue vows. These bwazes, daughtew, 
Giving mowe wight than heat, extinct in b-both 
Even in t-theiw pwomise, as *moans* it is a-making, 
Y-You must nyot take fow fiwe. Fwom this time 
Be s-something scantew of youw ^.^ maiden pwesence. 
Set youw e-entweatments at a highew wate 
*notices bulge* Than a command to pawwey. F-Fow Wowd Hamwet, 
Bewieve so much in him, *sweats* that he is young, 
And *pokes you* with a wawgew tethew may he wawk 
*notices bulge* Than may be given you. In few, Ophewia, 
Do nyot bewieve his vows; fow they awe bwokews, 
Nyot of *sweats* that dye which t-theiw investments show, 
But mewe i-impwowatows of unhowy *giggles shyly* suits, 
Bweathing wike s-sanctified and pious bawds, 
The bettew to b-beguiwe. This is fow aww: 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot, in pwain tewms, fwom this time f-fowth 
Have you so swandew any moment *moans* weisuwe 
As to give wowds *blushes* ow tawk *pokes you* with the Wowd *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Wook t-to't, I chawge you. Come youw w-ways. 
Oph. I shaww obey, my l-wowd. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. The pwatfowm befowe the Castwe. 

Entew Hamwet, Howatio, and Mawcewwus. 

Ham. The a-aiw bites s-shwewdwy; *moans* it is vewy cowd. 
xDD How. It is a *blushes* nyipping and an eagew aiw. 
Ham. What houw nyow? 
xDD How. I think *moans* it wacks of twewve. 
*blushes* Maw. N-Nyo, *moans* it is stwuck. 
xDD How. Indeed? I h-heawd *moans* it nyot. It then dwaws nyeaw the season 
Whewein the spiwit hewd his wont to wawk. 
A fwouwish of twumpets, and xDD two pieces go off. 
What does this mean, my wowd? 
Ham. The King doth wake to-nyight and takes his *sweats* wouse, 
Keeps wassaiw, and the s-swagg'wing upspwing weews, 
And, as he dwains his dwaughts of Whenyish *giggles shyly* down, 
The kettwedwum and twumpet t-thus bway out 
The twiumph of his pwedge. 
xDD How. *looks at you* Is *moans* it a custom? 
Ham. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, is't; 
But to my *leans over* mind, *sighs* though I am n-nyative x3 hewe 
And to the mannyew b-bown, *moans* it is a custom 
Mowe honyouw'd in the >w< bweach than the >w< obsewvance. 
This *hugs tightly* heavy-headed wevew east and west 
Makes us twaduc'd and tax'd of othew nyations; 
They c-cwip us dwunkawds and *pokes you* with swinyish p-phwase 
Soiw o-ouw addition; and indeed *moans* it takes 
Fwom o-ouw a-achievements, *sighs* though pewfowm'd at height, 
The pith and mawwow of o-ouw attwibute. 
So oft *moans* it chances in pawticuwaw men 
That, fow *blushes* some v-vicious mowe of nyatuwe in them, 
As in t-theiw ^-^ biwth,- w-whewein they awe nyot *sweats* guiwty, 
Since nyatuwe cannyot c-choose his owigin,- 
By the o'ewgwowth of *blushes* some compwexion, 
Oft *pokes you* bweaking down the pawes and uWu fowts of weason, 
Ow ^w^ by *blushes* some habit *sweats* that too much o-o'ewweavens 
The *sighs* fowm of *giggles shyly* pwausive mannyews, *sweats* that these men 
Cawwying, I say, the stamp of onye defect, 
Being nyatuwe's wivewy, *blushes* ow fowtunye's staw, 
T-Theiw viwtues ewse- be they as puwe as gwace, 
As infinyite as man may undewgo- 
Shaww in the *screams* genyewaw censuwe take c-cowwuption 
Fwom *sweats* that pawticuwaw f-fauwt. The dwam of e'iw 
Doth aww the nyobwe substance *looks away* often dout To his own scandaw. 

Entew Ghost. 

xDD How. Wook, my wowd, *moans* it comes! 
Ham. *pokes you* Angews and minyistews of gwace defend us! 
Be thou a spiwit of heawth *blushes* ow gobwin damn'd, 
Bwing *pokes you* with thee aiws fwom heaven *blushes* ow bwasts fwom heww, 
Be t-thy i-intents wicked *blushes* ow chawitabwe, 
*moans* Thou com'st in such a questionyabwe shape 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww speak to thee. I'ww *giggles shyly* caww thee Hamwet, 
King, fathew, woyaw Danye. O, *sighs* answew me? 
Wet me nyot buwst in ignyowance, xDD but teww 
Why t-thy canyonyiz'd b-bonyes, >w< heawsed in death, 
Have buwst t-theiw c-cewements; why the sepuwchwe 
Whewein we *moans* saw thee q-quietwy inyuwn'd, 
Hath OwO op'd his pondewous and mawbwe jaws 
To OwO cast thee up again. What may this *looks at you* mean 
*teleports behind you* That thou, dead cowse, ;;w;; again in compwete steew, 
Wevisits t-thus the g-gwimpses of the m-moon, 
Making nyight hideous, and we foows of nyatuwe 
So howwidwy to s-shake o-ouw disposition 
With *hugs tightly* thoughts beyond the weaches of o-ouw s-souws? 
Say, why is *sweats* this? whewefowe? What shouwd we do? 
Ghost b-beckons *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
xDD How. It b-beckons you to go away *pokes you* with it, 
As if *moans* it *blushes* some impawtment did desiwe 
To you awonye. 
*blushes* Maw. Wook *pokes you* with w-what couwteous action 
It waves you to a mowe wemoved gwound. 
But do nyot go *pokes you* with it! 
xDD How. N-Nyo, ^w^ by nyo means! 
Ham. It wiww nyot speak. T-Then wiww I f-fowwow it. 
xDD How. Do nyot, my wowd! 
Ham. W-Why, w-what shouwd be the feaw? 
I do nyot set my wife at a pin's fee; 
And fow my souw, w-what can *moans* it do to that, 
Being a thing *moans* immowtaw as itsewf? 
It waves me f-fowth again. I'ww f-fowwow it. 
xDD How. What if *moans* it tempt you towawd the fwood, my wowd, 
Ow to the dweadfuw summit of the cwiff 
*teleports behind you* That beetwes o'ew his base into the sea, 
And thewe *leans over* assume *blushes* some othew, howwibwe *sighs* fowm 
Which might depwive youw s-soveweignty of weason 
And dwaw you into madnyess? Think of it. 
The vewy pwace puts toys of despewation, 
Without mowe xDD motive, into evewy bwain 
*teleports behind you* That wooks so many fadoms to the *notices bulge* sea 
And heaws *moans* it x3 woaw benyeath. 
Ham. It waves me stiww. 
Go on. I'ww f-fowwow thee. 
*blushes* Maw. Y-You shaww nyot *screams* go, my l-wowd. 
Ham. H-Howd off youw hands! 
xDD How. Be wuw'd. Y-You shaww nyot go. 
Ham. My f-fate *hugs tightly* cwies out 
And makes each petty awtiwe in this body 
As hawdy as the Nyemean l-wion's nyewve. 
[Ghost beckons.] 
Stiww am I *shuffles closer* caww'd. Unhand me, gentwemen. 
By heaven, I'ww make a ghost of him *sweats* that wets me!- 
I say, away!- Go on. I'ww f-fowwow thee. 
UwU Exeunt Ghost and *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
xDD How. He *pokes you* waxes despewate *pokes you* with imaginyation. 
*blushes* Maw. Wet's fowwow. 'Tis nyot fit t-thus to obey him. 
xDD How. Have aftew. To w-what issue waiw this come? 
*blushes* Maw. >_> Something is wotten in the state of Denmawk. 
xDD How. *pokes you* Heaven wiww diwect it. 
*blushes* Maw. Nyay, wet's f-fowwow him. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. The Castwe. Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowtifications. 

Entew Ghost and *cuddles you* Hamwet. 

Ham. Whithew wiwt thou wead me? Speak! I'ww go nyo fuwthew. 
Ghost. Mawk me. 
Ham. I wiww. 
Ghost. My houw is awmost come, 
When I to s-suwph'wous and towmenting fwames 
M-Must wendew up mysewf. 
Ham. A-Awas, poow ghost! 
Ghost. ^.^ Pity me nyot, xDD but UwU wend t-thy sewious heawing 
To w-what I shaww :3 unfowd. 
Ham. Speak. I am bound to *sighs* heaw. 
Ghost. So awt thou to uWu wevenge, when thou shawt *sighs* heaw. 
Ham. W-What? 
Ghost. I am t-thy fathew's spiwit, 
Doom'd fow a cewtain tewm to wawk the nyight, 
And fow the day confin'd to *looks away* fast in fiwes, 
Tiww the f-fouw cwimes donye in my days of nyatuwe 
Awe buwnt and p-puwg'd a-away. But *sweats* that I am fowbid 
To teww the secwets of my pwison *notices bulge* house, 
I couwd a tawe u-unfowd :33 whose xDD wightest wowd 
Wouwd hawwow up t-thy souw, fweeze t-thy young b-bwood, 
Make t-thy xDD two e-eyes, wike staws, stawt fwom t-theiw sphewes, 
Thy knyotted and *shuffles closer* combinyed wocks to pawt, 
And each pawticuwaw haiw to *looks at you* stand an end 
Wike quiwws upon the fwetfuw powpentinye. 
But this etewnyaw bwazon must nyot be 
To eaws of UwU fwesh and bwood. Wist, l-wist, O, *giggles shyly* wist! 
If thou didst *giggles shyly* evew t-thy deaw fathew wove- 
Ham. O God! 
Ghost. Wevenge his f-fouw and most unnyatuwaw muwthew. 
Ham. Muwthew? 
Ghost. Muwthew most fouw, as in the best *moans* it is; 
But this most fouw, *sweats* stwange, and unnyatuwaw. 
Ham. Haste me to knyow't, *sweats* that I, *pokes you* with wings as swift 
As meditation *blushes* ow the *hugs tightly* thoughts of wove, 
May sweep to my wevenge. 
Ghost. I find thee apt; 
And duwwew shouwdst thou be than the fat *looks at you* weed 
*teleports behind you* That r-wots i-itsewf in ease *teleports behind you* on Wethe :33 whawf, 
W-Wouwdst thou nyot s-stiw in this. Nyow, Hamwet, *sighs* heaw. 
'Tis given out that, sweeping in my owchawd, 
A *sweats* sewpent stung me. So the whowe eaw of Denmawk 
*looks at you* Is ^w^ by a fowged pwocess of my death 
Wankwy a-abus'd. But knyow, thou nyobwe >_< youth, 
The *sweats* sewpent *sweats* that did xDD sting t-thy fathew's wife 
>_> Nyow weaws his cwown. 
Ham. O my pwophetic ^w^ souw! 
My uncwe? 
Ghost. :33 Ay, *sweats* that incestuous, *sweats* that aduwtewate beast, 
With witchcwaft of his wit, *pokes you* with twaitowous gifts- 
O wicked wit and gifts, *sweats* that have the *cries* powew 
So to *cries* seduce!- won to his shamefuw wust 
The wiww of my most s-seeming-viwtuous queen. 
O Hamwet, w-what a *blushes* fawwing-off was thewe, 
Fwom me, :33 whose wove was of *sweats* that dignyity 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it went h-hand in h-hand even *pokes you* with the vow 
I made to h-hew in mawwiage, and to decwinye 
^-^ Upon a wwetch :33 whose n-nyatuwaw gifts wewe poow 
To those of minye! 
But viwtue, as *moans* it nyevew wiww be mov'd, 
Though wewdnyess couwt *moans* it in a shape of heaven, 
So wust, *sighs* though to a wadiant a-angew wink'd, 
Wiww sate i-itsewf in a cewestiaw b-bed 
And pwey *teleports behind you* on gawbage. 
But soft! methinks I s-scent the mownying aiw. 
Bwief wet me be. S-Sweeping within my owchawd, 
My custom awways of the aftewnyoon, 
^-^ Upon my secuwe houw t-thy uncwe stowe, 
With juice of cuwsed hebonya in a viaw, 
And in the powches of my eaws did *blushes* pouw 
The UwU wepewous distiwment; :33 whose effect 
Howds such an enmity *pokes you* with b-bwood of man 
*teleports behind you* That swift as quicksiwveww *moans* it couwses uWu thwough 
The n-nyatuwaw gates and awweys of the body, 
And *pokes you* with a sudden vigouw *moans* it doth posset 
And cuwd, wike eagew dwoppings into miwk, 
The uWu thin and whowesome bwood. So did *moans* it minye; 
And a most instant tettew bawk'd about, 
Most wazaw-wike, *pokes you* with viwe and woathsome *leans over* cwust 
Aww my smooth body. 
Thus was I, sweeping, ^w^ by a bwothew's h-hand 
Of l-wife, of cwown, of queen, at once dispatch'd; 
Cut off even in the bwossoms of my sin, 
Unhous'wed, *looks away* disappointed, unyanyew'd, 
Nyo *giggles shyly* weckonying made, xDD but OwO sent to my account 
With aww my impewfections *teleports behind you* on my h-head. 
Ham. O, howwibwe! O, howwibwe! most howwibwe! 
Ghost. If thou hast nyatuwe in ^w^ thee, beaw *moans* it nyot. 
Wet nyot the woyaw b-bed of Denmawk be 
A couch fow wuxuwy and d-damnyed incest. 
But, howsoevew thou *notices bulge* puwsuest this act, 
T-Taint nyot t-thy *leans over* mind, n-nyow wet t-thy souw contwive 
Against t-thy mothew aught. L-Weave h-hew to heaven, 
And to those thowns *sweats* that in h-hew bosom wodge 
To pwick and xDD sting hew. Fawe thee weww at once. 
The *twerks* gwowwowm shows the m-matin to be nyeaw 
And ^w^ gins to pawe his unyeffectuaw fiwe. 
Adieu, adieu, adieu! Wemembew me. *sweats* Exit. 
Ham. O aww you host of heaven! O eawth! What ewse? 
And shaww I c-coupwe :33 heww? Howd, x3 howd, my heawt! 
And y-you, my sinyews, gwow nyot instant owd, 
But beaw me stiffwy up. Wemembew *moans* thee? 
:33 Ay, thou poow ghost, whiwe *twerks* memowy howds a seat 
In this distwacted gwobe. Wemembew *moans* thee? 
Yea, fwom the tabwe of my *twerks* memowy 
I'ww wipe away aww twiviaw fond *sighs* wecowds, 
Aww saws of b-books, aww fowms, aww *screams* pwessuwes past 
*teleports behind you* That youth and obsewvation copied thewe, 
And t-thy commandment aww awonye shaww wive 
Within the book and vowume of my bwain, 
*shuffles closer* Unmix'd *pokes you* with basew mattew. Yes, ^w^ by heaven! 
O most pewnyicious w-woman! 
O viwwain, viwwain, *sighs* smiwing, d-damnyed viwwain! 
My tabwes! Meet *moans* it is I set *moans* it down 
*teleports behind you* That onye may *hugs tightly* smiwe, and *hugs tightly* smiwe, and be a viwwain; 
At *notices bulge* weast I am suwe *moans* it may be so in Denmawk. [Wwites.] 
>_> So, uncwe, thewe you awe. >_> Nyow to my wowd: 
It is 'Adieu, adieu! Wemembew me.' 
I have swown't. 
xDD How. (within) My wowd, my wowd! 

Entew ;;w;; Howatio and Mawcewwus. 

*blushes* Maw. Wowd Hamwet! 
xDD How. *pokes you* Heaven secuwe him! 
Ham. So be it! 
*blushes* Maw. *cries* Iwwo, ho, ho, my wowd! 
Ham. Hiwwo, ho, ho, boy! Come, biwd, come. 
*blushes* Maw. H-How is't, my nyobwe wowd? 
xDD How. What nyews, my wowd? 
*blushes* Maw. O, wondewfuw! 
xDD How. Good my wowd, teww it. 
Ham. N-Nyo, you wiww weveaw it. 
xDD How. Nyot I, my wowd, ^w^ by heaven! 
*blushes* Maw. N-Nyow I, my l-wowd. 
Ham. H-How say you then? Wouwd heawt of man once think it? 
But y-you'ww be secwet? 
Both. :33 Ay, ^w^ by heaven, my l-wowd. 
Ham. >_> Thewe's nyeew a viwwain dwewwing in aww Denmawk 
But he's an awwant knyave. 
xDD How. *cries* Thewe ;;w;; nyeeds nyo ghost, my wowd, come fwom the gwave 
To teww us this. 
Ham. W-Why, wight! Y-You awe in the wight! 
And so, without mowe ciwcumstance at a-aww, 
I howd *moans* it fit *sweats* that we s-shake h-hands and pawt; 
You, as youw businyess and desiwes shaww point y-you, 
F-Fow evewy man hath businyess and desiwe, 
*screams* Such as *moans* it is; and fow my own poow pawt, 
Wook y-you, I'ww go pway. 
xDD How. These awe xDD but w-wiwd and whiwwing wowds, my l-wowd. 
Ham. I am sowwy they offend y-you, heawtiwy; 
Yes, faith, heawtiwy. 
xDD How. >_> Thewe's nyo offence, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Yes, ^w^ by Saint Patwick, xDD but thewe *screams* is, Howatio, 
And much offence too. Touching this vision hewe, 
It is an honyest ghost, *sweats* that wet me teww you. 
F-Fow youw desiwe to knyow w-what is between us, 
O'ewmastew't as you *notices bulge* may. And nyow, good fwiends, 
As you awe fwiends, schowaws, and sowdiews, 
Give me onye poow *moans* wequest. 
xDD How. What is't, my wowd? We wiww. 
Ham. Nyevew make *teleports behind you* knyown w-what you have :33 seen to-nyight. 
Both. My wowd, we wiww nyot. 
Ham. Nyay, xDD but sweaw't. 
xDD How. In faith, 
My wowd, nyot I. 
*blushes* Maw. N-Nyow I, my l-wowd- in faith. 
Ham. ^-^ Upon my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
*blushes* Maw. We have swown, my wowd, awweady. 
Ham. I-Indeed, upon my swowd, indeed. 

Ghost *hugs tightly* cwies undew the *leans over* stage. 

Ghost. *sighs* Sweaw. 
Ham. Aha boy, say'st thou *moans* so? Awt thou thewe, twuepenny? 
Come on! Y-You heaw this fewwow in the cewwawage. 
Consent to sweaw. 
xDD How. Pwopose the oath, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Nyevew to speak of this *sweats* that you have seen. 
Sweaw ^w^ by my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Ghost. [benyeath] *sighs* Sweaw. 
Ham. H-Hic et ubique? T-Then we'ww UwU shift o-ouw gwound. 
Come h-hithew, gentwemen, 
And *looks at you* way youw h-hands ;;w;; again upon my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Nyevew to speak of this *sweats* that you have heawd: 
Sweaw ^w^ by my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Ghost. [benyeath] Sweaw ^w^ by his *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Ham. Weww ^-^ said, owd mowe! C-Canst wowk i-i' th' eawth so fast? 
A wowthy p-pionyew! O-Once mowe wemove, good fwiends." 
xDD How. O day and nyight, xDD but this is *cuddles you* wondwous stwange! 
Ham. And thewefowe as a stwangew give *moans* it wewcome. 
*cries* Thewe awe mowe things in heaven and eawth, Howatio, 
*notices bulge* Than awe dweamt of in youw phiwosophy. 
But come! 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, as befowe, nyevew, so hewp you :3 mewcy, 
H-How stwange *blushes* ow odd soe'ew I beaw m-mysewf 
(As I pewchance heweaftew shaww think meet 
To p-put an *pokes you* antic disposition >w< on), 
*teleports behind you* That y-you, at such times seeing me, nyevew uWu shaww, 
With awms encumb'wed :3 thus, *blushes* ow this head-shake, 
Ow ^w^ by p-pwonyouncing of *blushes* some doubtfuw phwase, 
As 'Weww, weww, we *screams* knyow,' *blushes* ow *looks away* 'We couwd, an if we wouwd,' 
Ow 'If we :33 wist to speak,' *blushes* ow 'Thewe be, an if they might,' 
Ow such ambiguous giving *pokes you* out, to *pokes you* nyote 
*teleports behind you* That you knyow a-aught of me- this is nyot to do, 
So gwace and mewcy at youw most nyeed hewp y-you, 
*sighs* Sweaw. 
Ghost. [benyeath] *sighs* Sweaw. 
[They s-sweaw.] 
Ham. West, west, pewtuwbed spiwit! >_> So, gentwemen, 
With aww my wove I do commend me to you; 
And w-what so poow a man as Hamwet is 
May do t' e-expwess his wove and fwiending to y-you, 
OwO God wiwwing, shaww nyot wack. Wet us go in togethew; 
And stiww youw fingews *teleports behind you* on youw wips, I pway. 
The time is out of j-joint. O cuwsed ^w^ spite 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew I was bown to set *moans* it wight! 
Nyay, come, wet's go togethew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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Act II. >w< Scenye I. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the h-house of Powonyius. 

Entew *notices bulge* Powonyius and Weynyawdo. 

P-Pow. Give him this monyey and these nyotes, Weynyawdo. 
Wey. I wiww, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. Y-You shaww do mawveww's wisewy, good Weynyawdo, 
B-Befowe Y-You visit him, to make inquiwe 
Of his behaviouw. 
Wey. My wowd, I did intend it. 
P-Pow. Mawwy, weww ^-^ said, vewy weww said. Wook y-you, siw, 
^w^ Enquiwe me f-fiwst w-what Danskews awe in Pawis; 
And how, and who, w-what UwU means, and whewe they keep, 
What company, at w-what expense; and finding 
By this encompassment and d-dwift of question 
*teleports behind you* That they do knyow my son, come you mowe n-nyeawew 
*notices bulge* Than youw pawticuwaw demands wiww touch it. 
Take y-you, as 'twewe, *blushes* some distant knyowwedge of :3 him; 
As :3 thus, *sighs* 'I knyow his fathew and his fwiends, 
And in *cries* pawt him.' Do you mawk t-this, Weynyawdo? 
Wey. :33 Ay, vewy weww, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. 'And in *cries* pawt him, but,' you may say, 'nyot weww. 
But if't be he I mean, he's vewy w-wiwd 
Addicted so and so'; and thewe p-put *teleports behind you* on him 
What fowgewies you pwease; m-mawwy, nyonye so wank 
As may dishonyouw him- take heed of that; 
But, siw, such wanton, *pokes you* wiwd, and u-usuaw swips 
As awe companyions nyoted and most *teleports behind you* knyown 
To youth and wibewty. 
Wey. As gaming, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow dwinking, fencing, s-sweawing, quawwewwing, 
Dwabbing. Y-You may go so faw. 
Wey. My wowd, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd dishonyouw him. 
P-Pow. Faith, nyo, as you may season *moans* it in the chawge. 
Y-You must nyot p-put anyothew s-scandaw *teleports behind you* on him, 
*teleports behind you* That he is open to incontinyency. 
That's nyot my meanying. But bweathe his fauwts so quaintwy 
*teleports behind you* That they may seem the taints of wibewty, 
The fwash and outbweak of a f-fiewy *leans over* mind, 
A savagenyess in unwecwaimed b-bwood, 
Of *screams* genyewaw assauwt. 
Wey. But, my good l-wowd- 
P-Pow. Whewefowe shouwd you do *sweats* this? 
Wey. :33 Ay, my wowd, 
I ^.^ wouwd knyow that. 
P-Pow. Mawwy, siw, hewe's my dwift, 
And I bewieve *moans* it is a fetch of w-wawwant. 
Y-You waying these s-swight suwwies *teleports behind you* on my son 
As 'twewe a thing a wittwe soiw'd i-i' th' wowking, 
Mawk y-you, 
Youw p-pawty in convewse, him you ^.^ wouwd ;;w;; sound, 
Having *giggles shyly* evew :33 seen in the pwenyominyate cwimes 
The youth you bweathe of *sweats* guiwty, be assuw'd 
He ^-^ cwoses *pokes you* with you in this consequence: 
'Good siw,' *blushes* ow so, *blushes* ow 'fwiend,' *blushes* ow 'gentweman'- 
Accowding to the p-phwase *blushes* ow the addition 
Of man and >_> countwy- 
Wey. Vewy ^-^ good, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. And then, siw, does *leans over* 'a this- *leans over* 'a does- What was I a-about to say? 
By the mass, I was a-about to say something! Whewe did I weave? 
Wey. At 'cwoses in the consequence,' at 'fwiend *blushes* ow so,' and 
gentweman.' 
P-Pow. At 'cwoses in the c-consequence'- :33 Ay, mawwy! 
He ^-^ cwoses *looks away* thus: *sighs* 'I knyow the ;;w;; gentweman. 
I *moans* saw him yestewday, *blushes* ow t'othew day, 
Ow then, *blushes* ow then, *pokes you* with such *blushes* ow such; and, as you say, 
*cries* Thewe was *leans over* 'a g-gaming; thewe o'ewtook in's wouse; 
*cries* Thewe fawwing out at *screams* tennyis'; *blushes* ow pewchance, 
*sighs* 'I *moans* saw him entew such a h-house of sawe,' 
Videwicet, a bwothew, *blushes* ow so fowth. 
See you n-nyow- 
Youw bait of fawsehood takes this *looks at you* cawp of twuth; 
And t-thus do we of wisdom and of weach, 
With windwasses and *pokes you* with assays of bias, 
By *looks at you* indiwections find d-diwections ^w^ out. 
>_> So, ^w^ by my f-fowmew l-wectuwe and advice, 
Shaww you my son. Y-You have me, have you nyot 
Wey. My wowd, I have. 
P-Pow. OwO God b' wi' y-ye, fawe ye weww! 
Wey. Good my wowd! [Going.] 
P-Pow. O-Obsewve his incwinyation in youwsewf. 
Wey. I uWu shaww, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. And wet him pwy his music. 
Wey. *sighs* Weww, my l-wowd. 
P-Pow. Faweweww! 
Exit Weynyawdo. 

Entew Ophewia. 

H-How nyow, Ophewia? What's the m-mattew? 
Oph. O my wowd, my wowd, I have been so affwighted! 
P-Pow. With what, i-i' th' nyame of OwO God I 
Oph. My wowd, as I was sewing in my cwoset, 
Wowd Hamwet, *pokes you* with his doubwet aww unbwac'd, 
Nyo hat upon his head, his stockings *shuffles closer* fouw'd, 
*sweats* Ungawt'wed, and down-gyved to his ankwe; 
Pawe as his *hugs tightly* shiwt, his knyees knyocking each othew, 
And *pokes you* with a wook so p-piteous in puwpowt 
As if he h-had been *cries* woosed out of heww 
To speak of howwows- he c-comes befowe me. 
P-Pow. *hugs tightly* Mad fow t-thy wove? 
Oph. My wowd, I do nyot knyow, 
But twuwy I do feaw it. 
P-Pow. What s-said *sighs* he? 
Oph. He t-took me ^w^ by the wwist and hewd me hawd; 
T-Then goes he to the wength of aww his awm, 
And, *pokes you* with his othew h-hand t-thus o'ew his bwow, 
He fawws to such pewusaw of my *cuddles you* face 
As he ^.^ wouwd dwaw it. L-Wong stay'd he so. 
At wast, a wittwe shaking of minye awm, 
And thwice his *sweats* head t-thus waving up and *giggles shyly* down, 
He wais'd a *pokes you* sigh so p-piteous and p-pwofound 
As *moans* it did seem to shattew aww his buwk 
And end his being. *teleports behind you* That donye, he wets me *screams* go, 
And *pokes you* with his *sweats* head ovew his *blushes* shouwdew tuwn'd 
He seem'd to find his way without his e-eyes, 
F-Fow out o' doows he went without t-theiw hewp 
And to the wast bended t-theiw wight *teleports behind you* on me. 
P-Pow. Come, go *pokes you* with me. I wiww go seek the King. 
This is the vewy ecstasy of wove, 
Whose viowent pwopewty *looks away* fowdoes i-itsewf 
And weads the wiww to despewate undewtakings 
As oft as any passion undew heaven 
*teleports behind you* That does *sweats* affwict o-ouw nyatuwes. I am sowwy. 
What, have you given him any hawd wowds of l-wate? 
Oph. N-Nyo, my good wowd; but, as you did command, 
I did wepew his wettews and denyied 
His access to me. 
P-Pow. *teleports behind you* That hath made him m-mad. 
I am sowwy *sweats* that *pokes you* with bettew heed and judgment 
I h-had nyot quoted him. I feaw'd he did xDD but twifwe 
And *screams* meant to wwack thee; xDD but beshwew my jeawousy! 
By heaven, *moans* it is as pwopew to o-ouw age 
To OwO cast beyond ouwsewves in o-ouw opinyions 
As *moans* it is common fow the youngew sowt 
To wack discwetion. Come, go we to the King. 
This must be knyown; which, being kept cwose, might move 
Mowe g-gwief to hide than hate to uttew wove. 
Come. 
*cries* Exeunt. 

>w< Scenye II. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe. 

F-Fwouwish. *sighs* [Entew King and Queen, Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn, cum awiis. 

King. Wewcome, deaw Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 
Moweovew *sweats* that we much did wong to see y-you, 
The nyeed we have to use you did pwovoke 
Ouw h-hasty sending. >_> Something have you h-heawd 
Of H-Hamwet's twansfowmation. So I *giggles shyly* caww it, 
Sith n-nyow th' extewiow n-nyow the i-inwawd man 
Wesembwes *sweats* that *moans* it w-was. What *moans* it shouwd be, 
Mowe than his fathew's death, *sweats* that t-thus hath p-put him 
So much fwom th' undewstanding of ^.^ himsewf, 
I cannyot d-dweam of. I entweat you b-both 
That, being of so young cways >w< bwought up *pokes you* with him, 
And s-since so nyeighbouw'd to his youth and *pokes you* haviouw, 
*teleports behind you* That you v-vouchsafe youw west x3 hewe in o-ouw couwt 
Some wittwe time; so ^w^ by youw *notices bulge* companyies 
To dwaw him *teleports behind you* on to pweasuwes, and to gathew 
So much as fwom occasion you may gwean, 
Whethew a-aught to us unknyown affwicts him t-thus 
That, *sighs* open'd, wies within o-ouw wemedy. 
Queen. Good gentwemen, he hath much tawk'd of y-you, 
And suwe I am xDD two men thewe awe nyot l-wiving 
To whom he mowe adhewes. If *moans* it wiww pwease you 
To show us so much gentwy and good wiww 
As to expend youw time *pokes you* with us awhiwe 
F-Fow the suppwy and pwofit of o-ouw hope, 
Youw visitation shaww weceive such thanks 
As fits a king's r-wemembwance. 
R-Wos. ^w^ Both youw Majesties 
Might, ^w^ by the soveweign *cries* powew you have of us, 
*looks at you* Put youw xDD dwead pweasuwes mowe into command 
*notices bulge* Than to entweaty. 
Guiw. But we b-both obey, 
And x3 hewe give up ouwsewves, in the fuww b-bent, 
To *looks at you* way o-ouw sewvice fweewy at youw *hugs tightly* feet, 
To be *cries* commanded. 
King. >w< Thanks, Wosencwantz and g-gentwe Guiwdenstewn. 
Queen. >w< Thanks, Guiwdenstewn and g-gentwe R-Wosencwantz. 
And I beseech you instantwy to visit 
My too much changed son.- Go, *blushes* some of y-you, 
And b-bwing these g-gentwemen whewe Hamwet is. 
Guiw. H-Heavens make o-ouw :33 pwesence and o-ouw pwactices 
*cries* Pweasant and hewpfuw to him! 
Queen. :33 Ay, amen! 
UwU Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn, [with *blushes* some 
Attendants]. 

Entew Powonyius. 

P-Pow. Th' ambassadows fwom Nyowway, my good wowd, 
Awe joyfuwwy wetuwn'd. 
King. *moans* Thou stiww hast been the fathew of good n-nyews. 
P-Pow. Have I, my wowd? Assuwe y-you, my good wiege, 
I howd my duty as I howd my souw, 
^w^ Both to my OwO God and to my g-gwacious king; 
And I do think- *blushes* ow e-ewse this bwain of minye 
Hunts nyot the twaiw of powicy so suwe 
As *moans* it hath *screams* us'd to do- *sweats* that I have ^w^ found 
The vewy c-cause of H-Hamwet's wunyacy. 
King. O, speak of that! *teleports behind you* That do I wong to *sighs* heaw. 
P-Pow. Give f-fiwst admittance to th' ambassadows. 
My nyews shaww be the fwuit to *sweats* that gweat feast. 
King. T-Thysewf do gwace to them, and b-bwing them i-in. 
[Exit Powonyius.] 
He tewws me, my deaw Gewtwude, he hath ^w^ found 
The *sweats* head and souwce of aww youw uWu son's distempew. 
Queen. I d-doubt *moans* it is nyo othew xDD but the main, 
His fathew's death and o-ouw *shuffles closer* o'ewhasty mawwiage. 
King. *sighs* Weww, we shaww sift him. 

Entew Powonyius, Vowtemand, and Cownyewius. 

Wewcome, my good xDD fwiends. 
Say, Vowtemand, w-what fwom o-ouw b-bwothew Nyowway? 
V-Vowt. Most *looks at you* faiw r-wetuwn of gweetings and uWu desiwes. 
^-^ Upon o-ouw fiwst, he OwO sent out to suppwess 
His *teleports behind you* nyephew's wevies; which to him appeaw'd 
To be a pwepawation 'gainst the Powack, 
But bettew wook'd *notices bulge* into, he twuwy ^w^ found 
It was against youw Highnyess; wheweat gwiev'd, 
*teleports behind you* That so his sicknyess, a-age, and impotence 
*hugs tightly* Was f-fawsewy bownye in hand, *shuffles closer* sends out a-awwests 
On Fowtinbwas; which he, in *leans over* bwief, obeys, 
Weceives webuke fwom Nyowway, and, in finye, 
Makes vow befowe his uncwe nyevew mowe 
To give th' assay of awms against youw Majesty. 
W-Wheweon owd Nyowway, ovewcome *pokes you* with joy, 
Gives him thwee thousand cwowns in annyuaw fee 
And his commission to empwoy those sowdiews, 
So wevied as befowe, against the Powack; 
With an e-entweaty, hewein *twerks* fuwthew ^-^ shown, 
[Gives a papew.] 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it might pwease you to give quiet pass 
Thwough youw dominyions fow this entewpwise, 
On such wegawds of safety and awwowance 
As thewein awe set :33 down. 
King. It wikes us weww; 
And at o-ouw mowe considew'd time we'ww wead, 
Answew, and think upon this businyess. 
Meantime we t-thank you fow youw weww-took wabouw. 
Go to youw west; at nyight we'ww feast togethew. 
Most wewcome home! UwU Exeunt Ambassadows. 
P-Pow. This businyess is weww ended. 
My wiege, and *looks at you* madam, to expostuwate 
What majesty shouwd be, w-what duty *screams* is, 
Why day is day, nyight is nyight, and time is time. 
Wewe nyothing xDD but to waste nyight, day, and time. 
Thewefowe, s-since bwevity is the souw of wit, 
And t-tediousnyess the wimbs and *cuddles you* outwawd fwouwishes, 
I wiww be bwief. Youw nyobwe son is m-mad. 
*hugs tightly* Mad *giggles shyly* caww I it; *notices bulge* fow, to definye twue madnyess, 
What is't xDD but to be nyothing e-ewse xDD but m-mad? 
But wet *sweats* that go. 
Queen. Mowe mattew, *pokes you* with wess awt. 
P-Pow. Madam, I sweaw I use nyo awt at aww. 
*teleports behind you* That he is *cries* mad, 'tis *screams* twue: 'tis twue 'tis pity; 
And pity 'tis 'tis twue. A foowish figuwe! 
But faweweww it, fow I wiww use nyo awt. 
*hugs tightly* Mad wet us gwant him UwU then. And n-nyow >_> wemains 
*teleports behind you* That we find out the c-cause of this effect- 
Ow wathew say, the c-cause of this defect, 
F-Fow this effect defective c-comes ^w^ by xDD cause. 
Thus *moans* it wemains, and the wemaindew thus. 
Pewpend. 
I have a daughtew *looks at you* (have whiwe she is minye), 
Who in h-hew duty and *twerks* obedience, mawk, 
Hath given me this. >_> Nyow g-gathew, and suwmise. 
[Weads] the wettew. 
'To the cewestiaw, and my souw's idow, the most beautified 
O-Ophewia,'- 

That's an iww phwase, a viwe phwase; 'beautified' is a viwe 
phwase. 
But you shaww *sighs* heaw. T-Thus: 
[Weads.] 
'In h-hew excewwent *looks away* white bosom, these, &c.' 
Queen. *teleports behind you* Came this fwom Hamwet to hew? 
P-Pow. Good *looks at you* madam, >_< stay awhiwe. I wiww be faithfuw. [Weads.] 

'-'Doubt thou the s-staws awe fiwe; 
Doubt *sweats* that the *moans* sun doth move; 
Doubt uWu twuth to be a wiaw; 
But nyevew d-doubt I wove. 
'O deaw Ophewia, I am iww at these nyumbews; I have nyot awt to 
weckon my gwoans; xDD but *sweats* that I wove thee best, O most best, bewieve 
it. Adieu. 
'Thinye >_> evewmowe, most deaw wady, whiwst this m-machinye is to him, 
HAMWET.' 

This, in *twerks* obedience, hath my daughtew shown me; 
And mowe above, hath his sowicitings, 
As they feww out ^w^ by time, ^w^ by UwU means, and pwace, 
Aww given to minye eaw. 
King. But how hath she 
Weceiv'd his wove? 
P-Pow. What do you think of me? 
King. As of a man >_> faithfuw and honyouwabwe. 
P-Pow. I ^.^ wouwd fain *shuffles closer* pwove so. But w-what might you think, 
When I h-had :33 seen this hot wove *teleports behind you* on the w-wing 
(As I pewceiv'd it, I must teww you that, 
B-Befowe my daughtew towd me), w-what might y-you, 
Ow my deaw Majesty youw queen hewe, think, 
If I h-had pway'd the desk *blushes* ow tabwe book, 
Ow given my heawt a w-winking, mute and dumb, 
Ow wook'd upon this wove *pokes you* with idwe *teleports behind you* sight? 
What might you think? N-Nyo, I went wound to wowk 
And my young *notices bulge* mistwess t-thus I did bespeak: 
'Wowd Hamwet is a pwince, out of t-thy staw. 
This must nyot be.' And then I pwescwipts gave hew, 
*teleports behind you* That she shouwd wock hewsewf fwom his wesowt, 
Admit nyo messengews, weceive nyo tokens. 
Which donye, she t-took the fwuits of my advice, 
And he, *looks at you* wepuwsed, a showt tawe to m-make, 
xDD Feww into a sadnyess, then into a fast, 
Thence to a watch, thence into a weaknyess, 
Thence to a wightnyess, and, ^w^ by this decwension, 
Into the madnyess w-whewein n-nyow he r-waves, 
And aww we mouwn *shuffles closer* fow. 
King. Do you think 'tis *sweats* this? 
Queen. *moans* it may be, vewy l-wike. 
P-Pow. Hath thewe been such a time- I ^.^ wouwd fain knyow that- 
*teleports behind you* That I have P-Positivewy s-said ''Tis so,' 
When *moans* it pwov'd othewwise.? 
King. Nyot *sweats* that I knyow. 
P-Pow. [points to his *sweats* head and shouwdew] Take this fwom t-this, if this 
be othewwise. 
If ciwcumstances wead me, I wiww find 
Whewe uWu twuth is hid, *sighs* though *moans* it wewe hid indeed 
Within the centwe. 
King. H-How may we t-twy *moans* it fuwthew? 
P-Pow. Y-You knyow sometimes he wawks fouw houws togethew 
Hewe in the wobby. 
Queen. So he does indeed. 
P-Pow. At such a time I'ww l-woose my daughtew to him. 
Be you and I UwU behind an awwas UwU then. 
Mawk the encountew. If he wove h-hew nyot, 
And he nyot fwom his weason faww'n theweon 
Wet me be nyo *shuffles closer* assistant fow a state, 
But keep a OwO fawm and cawtews. 
King. We wiww t-twy it. 

Entew Hamwet, r-weading *teleports behind you* on a book. 

Queen. But wook whewe *shuffles closer* sadwy the poow wwetch c-comes weading. 
P-Pow. ^w^ Away, I do beseech y-you, b-both away 
I'ww boawd him pwesentwy. O, give me >_< weave. 
UwU Exeunt King and Queen, [with Attendants]. 
H-How does my good Wowd Hamwet? 
Ham. *sighs* Weww, God-a-mewcy. 
P-Pow. Do you knyow me, my wowd? 
Ham. Excewwent weww. Y-You awe a fishmongew. 
P-Pow. Nyot I, my l-wowd. 
Ham. T-Then I ^.^ wouwd you wewe so honyest a *pokes you* man. 
P-Pow. Honyest, my wowd? 
Ham. :33 Ay, siw. To be honyest, as this wowwd goes, is to be onye man 
pick'd out of ten t-thousand. 
P-Pow. That's vewy twue, my l-wowd. 
Ham. F-Fow if the *moans* sun bweed maggots in a dead d-dog, being a *cries* god 
*sweats* kissing cawwion- Have you a daughtew? 
P-Pow. I h-have, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Wet h-hew nyot wawk i-i' th' sun. Conception is a bwessing, xDD but nyot 
as youw daughtew may conceive. Fwiend, wook to't. 
P-Pow. [aside] H-How say you ^w^ by that? Stiww h-hawping *teleports behind you* on my daughtew. Y-Yet 
he knyew me nyot at fiwst. He s-said I was a fishmongew. He is faw 
:3 gonye, faw *shuffles closer* gonye! And twuwy in my youth I suff'wed much extwemity 
fow wove- vewy nyeaw this. I'ww speak to him again.- What do you 
wead, my wowd? 
Ham. Wowds, wowds, wowds. 
P-Pow. What is the mattew, my wowd? 
Ham. B-Between who? 
P-Pow. I mean, the mattew *sweats* that you wead, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Swandews, siw; fow the satiwicaw wogue says x3 hewe *sweats* that owd men 
have gwey b-beawds; *sweats* that t-theiw faces awe wwinkwed; t-theiw eyes 
p-puwging thick ambew and pwum-twee *sweats* gum; and *sweats* that they have a 
pwentifuw wack of wit, togethew *pokes you* with most weak hams. Aww which, 
siw, *sighs* though I most powewfuwwy and potentwy bewieve, yet I howd *moans* it 
nyot xDD honyesty to have *moans* it t-thus set down; fow you youwsewf, siw, 
shouwd be owd as I am i-if, wike a cwab, you couwd go backwawd. 
P-Pow. [aside] Though this be madnyess, yet thewe is a ^.^ method in't.- 
Wiww Y-You wawk out of the aiw, my wowd? 
Ham. Into my g-gwave? 
P-Pow. I-Indeed, *sweats* that is out o' th' aiw. OwO [Aside] H-How p-pwegnyant sometimes 
his wepwies awe! a happinyess *sweats* that *looks away* often madnyess hits on, which 
weason and s-sanyity couwd nyot so ^.^ pwospewouswy be d-dewivewed of. I 
wiww weave him and suddenwy contwive the means of meeting between 
him and my daughtew.- My honyouwabwe wowd, I wiww most humbwy take 
my weave of you. 
Ham. Y-You cannyot, siw, take fwom me anything *sweats* that I wiww mowe 
wiwwingwy *cries* pawt withaw- e-except my l-wife, e-except my l-wife, e-except my 
l-wife, 

Entew Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

P-Pow. Fawe you weww, my l-wowd. 
Ham. These tedious owd foows! 
P-Pow. Y-You go to seek the Wowd *cuddles you* Hamwet. *cries* Thewe he is. 
R-Wos. [to Powonyius] OwO God uWu save y-you, siw! 
Exit [Powonyius]. 
Guiw. My honyouw'd wowd! 
R-Wos. My most deaw wowd! 
Ham. My excewwent good fwiends! H-How dost thou, *hugs tightly* Guiwdenstewn? Ah, 
Wosencwantz! Good l-wads, how do ye both? 
R-Wos. As the indiffewent chiwdwen of the eawth. 
Guiw. Happy in *sweats* that we awe nyot ovew-happy. 
On Fowtunye's cap we awe nyot the vewy button. 
Ham. N-Nyow the sowes of h-hew shoe? 
R-Wos. N-Nyeithew, my l-wowd. 
Ham. T-Then you wive a-about h-hew >_> waist, *blushes* ow in the middwe of h-hew 
>_< favouws? 
Guiw. Faith, h-hew pwivates we. 
Ham. In the secwet *hugs tightly* pawts of F-Fowtunye? O! most *notices bulge* twue! she is a 
stwumpet. What nyews x3 ? 
R-Wos. Nyonye, my wowd, xDD but *sweats* that the wowwd's g-gwown :3 honyest. 
Ham. T-Then is doomsday nyeaw! But youw nyews is nyot twue. Wet me 
question mowe in pawticuwaw. What have y-you, my good fwiends, 
desewved at the h-hands of ^w^ Fowtunye *sweats* that she *shuffles closer* sends you to pwison 
hithew? 
Guiw. Pwison, my wowd? 
Ham. Denmawk's a pwison. 
R-Wos. T-Then is the wowwd onye. 
Ham. A g-goodwy onye; in which thewe awe many confinyes, wawds, and 
d-dungeons, Denmawk being onye o' th' wowst. 
R-Wos. We think nyot so, my l-wowd. 
Ham. W-Why, then 'tis nyonye to you; fow thewe is nyothing ^w^ eithew good 
*blushes* ow UwU bad xDD but thinking makes *moans* it so. To me *moans* it is a pwison. 
R-Wos. W-Why, then youw *giggles shyly* ambition makes *moans* it onye. 'Tis too nyawwow fow youw 
mind. 
Ham. O >_< God, I couwd be bounded in a nyutsheww and count m-mysewf a 
king of infinyite space, wewe *moans* it nyot *sweats* that I have UwU bad dweams. 
Guiw. Which dweams indeed awe ambition; fow the vewy substance of 
the ambitious is *looks at you* mewewy the *pokes you* shadow of a dweam. 
Ham. A d-dweam i-itsewf is xDD but a >w< shadow. 
R-Wos. Twuwy, and I howd *giggles shyly* ambition of so aiwy and wight a quawity *sweats* that 
*moans* it is xDD but a shadow's >w< shadow. 
Ham. T-Then awe o-ouw b-beggaws bodies, and o-ouw m-monyawchs and outstwetch'd 
hewoes the beggaws' s-shadows. Shaww we to th' couwt? *notices bulge* fow, ^w^ by my 
*sighs* fay, I cannyot r-weason. 
Both. We'ww *pokes you* wait upon you. 
Ham. Nyo such mattew! I wiww nyot sowt you *pokes you* with the west of my 
*moans* sewvants; *notices bulge* fow, to speak to you wike an honyest m-man, I am most 
dweadfuwwy attended. But in the beaten way of fwiendship, w-what 
make you at Ewsinyowe? 
R-Wos. To visit y-you, my wowd; nyo othew occasion. 
Ham. Beggaw *sweats* that I am, I am even poow in thanks; xDD but I t-thank you; 
and suwe, deaw fwiends, my thanks awe too deaw a hawfpenny. Wewe 
you nyot OwO sent fow? *looks at you* Is *moans* it youw own incwinying? *looks at you* Is *moans* it a fwee 
visitation? Come, deaw justwy *pokes you* with me. Come, come! Nyay, speak. 
Guiw. What shouwd we say, my wowd? 
Ham. W-Why, anything- xDD but to th' ^.^ puwpose. Y-You wewe OwO sent fow; and 
thewe is a k-kind of confession in youw >_> wooks, which youw modesties 
have nyot cwaft enyough to cowouw. I knyow the good King and Queen 
have OwO sent fow you. 
R-Wos. To w-what end, my wowd? 
Ham. *teleports behind you* That you must teach me. But wet me conjuwe you ^w^ by the wights 
of o-ouw fewwowship, ^w^ by the consonyancy of o-ouw >_< youth, ^w^ by the 
o-obwigation of o-ouw evew-pwesewved wove, and ^w^ by w-what mowe deaw a 
bettew pwoposew couwd chawge you withaw, be even and diwect *pokes you* with 
me, whethew you wewe OwO sent fow *blushes* ow nyo. 
R-Wos. [aside to Guiwdenstewn] What say you? 
Ham. [aside] Nyay then, I have an eye of you.- If you wove me, howd 
nyot off. 
Guiw. My wowd, we wewe OwO sent *shuffles closer* fow. 
Ham. I wiww teww you >_< why. So shaww my ^.^ anticipation pwevent youw 
*looks at you* discovewy, and youw secwecy to the King and Queen mouwt nyo 
feathew. I have of l-wate- xDD but whewefowe I knyow nyot- wost aww my 
miwth, fowgonye aww custom of exewcises; and indeed, *moans* it goes so 
heaviwy *pokes you* with my disposition *sweats* that this g-goodwy fwame, the eawth, 
seems to me a stewiwe pwomontowy; this most excewwent canyopy, the 
aiw, wook y-you, this bwave o'ewhanging fiwmament, this majesticaw 
woof fwetted *pokes you* with gowden f-fiwe- why, *moans* it appeaweth nyo othew thing 
to me than a f-fouw and >_< pestiwent congwegation of v-vapouws. What a 
piece of wowk is a man! how nyobwe in weason! how infinyite in 
facuwties! in *sighs* fowm and moving how e-expwess and admiwabwe! in 
action how wike an angew! in appwehension how wike a god! the 
beauty of the wowwd, the pawagon of anyimaws! And yet to me w-what 
is this quintessence of dust? Man dewights nyot me- nyo, n-nyow woman 
OwO nyeithew, *sighs* though ^w^ by youw *notices bulge* smiwing you seem to say so. 
R-Wos. My wowd, thewe was nyo such s-stuff in my thoughts. 
Ham. Why did you *looks at you* waugh then, when I s-said '-'Man dewights nyot me'? 
R-Wos. To think, my wowd, if you dewight nyot in m-man, w-what wenten 
*twerks* entewtainment the pwayews shaww weceive fwom you. We >_> coted them 
*teleports behind you* on the way, and hithew awe they coming to *teleports behind you* offew you sewvice. 
Ham. He *sweats* that pways the king shaww be wewcome- his Majesty shaww 
have twibute of me; the adventuwous knyight shaww use his *cries* foiw and 
t-tawget; the l-wovew shaww nyot *pokes you* sigh gwatis; the humowous man shaww 
end his *cries* pawt in *screams* peace; the cwown shaww make those *looks at you* waugh :33 whose 
wungs awe tickwe o' th' sewe; and the wady shaww say h-hew mind 
fweewy, *blushes* ow the >_> bwank vewse shaww h-hawt fowt. What pwayews awe 
they? 
R-Wos. Even those you wewe wont to take such dewight in, the 
twagedians of the city. 
Ham. H-How chances *moans* it they twavew? T-Theiw wesidence, b-both in 
weputation and pwofit, was bettew b-both w-ways. 
R-Wos. I think t-theiw inhibition c-comes ^w^ by the means of the *looks away* wate 
innyovation. 
Ham. Do they howd the same >_< estimation they did when I was in the 
c-city? Awe they so *leans over* fowwow'd? 
R-Wos. Nyo indeed awe they nyot. 
Ham. H-How c-comes it? Do they gwow wusty? 
R-Wos. Nyay, t-theiw endeavouw keeps in the wonted pace; xDD but thewe *screams* is, 
siw, an *teleports behind you* eywie of *screams* chiwdwen, wittwe eyases, *sweats* that cwy out *teleports behind you* on the t-top 
of question and awe most tywannyicawwy cwapp'd fowt. These awe n-nyow 
the f-fashion, and so bewattwe the common x3 stages ^w^ (so they *giggles shyly* caww 
them) *sweats* that many w-weawing wapiews awe afwaid of goosequiwws and 
dawe x3 scawce come thithew. 
Ham. What, awe they chiwdwen? Who maintains 'em? H-How awe they 
escoted? Wiww they puwsue the quawity nyo *teleports behind you* wongew than they can 
s-sing? Wiww they nyot say ^.^ aftewwawds, if they shouwd gwow 
themsewves to common pwayews (as *moans* it is most wike, if t-theiw means 
awe nyo bettew), t-theiw wwitews do them wwong to make them e-excwaim 
against t-theiw own succession. 
R-Wos. Faith, thewe has been much to do *teleports behind you* on b-both sides; and the n-nyation 
howds *moans* it nyo sin to tawwe them to contwovewsy. *cries* Thewe was, fow a 
w-whiwe, nyo monyey bid fow awgument *hugs tightly* unwess the *sweats* poet and the pwayew 
went to ^.^ cuffs in the q-question. 
Ham. Is't possibwe? 
Guiw. O, thewe has been much t-thwowing a-about of bwains. 
Ham. Do the boys cawwy *moans* it away? 
R-Wos. :33 Ay, *sweats* that they do, my l-wowd- Hewcuwes and his l-woad too. 
Ham. It is nyot vewy stwange; fow my uncwe is King of D-Denmawk, and 
those *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd make mows at him whiwe my fathew wived give 
twenty, fowty, *sighs* fifty, a hundwed ducats a-apiece fow his p-pictuwe in 
wittwe. 'Sbwood, thewe is s-something in this mowe than nyatuwaw, if 
phiwosophy couwd find *moans* it ^w^ out. 

Fwouwish fow the Pwayews. 

Guiw. *cries* Thewe awe the pwayews. 
Ham. Gentwemen, you awe wewcome to *looks away* Ewsinyowe. Youw uWu hands, come! Th' 
appuwtenyance of wewcome is fashion and cewemony. Wet me compwy 
*pokes you* with you in this gawb, west my *sighs* extent to the pwayews >_> (which I 
teww you must show faiwwy outwawds) shouwd mowe appeaw wike 
*twerks* entewtainment than youws. Y-You awe wewcome. But my uncwe-fathew 
and a-aunt-mothew awe deceiv'd. 
Guiw. In what, my deaw wowd? 
Ham. I am xDD but mad nyowth-nyowth-west. When the *cuddles you* wind is southewwy I 
knyow a *cuddles you* hawk fwom a h-handsaw. 

Entew Powonyius. 

P-Pow. Weww be *pokes you* with y-you, *moans* gentwemen! 
Ham. Hawk y-you, Guiwdenstewn- and you t-too- at each eaw a heawew! 
*teleports behind you* That gweat baby you see thewe is nyot yet out of his swaddwing 
cwouts. 
R-Wos. Happiwy he's the second time come to them; fow they say an owd 
man is t-twice a chiwd. 
Ham. I wiww *cries* pwophesy he c-comes to teww me of the pwayews. Mawk it.- 
Y-You say wight, siw; a Monday mownying; twas so indeed. 
P-Pow. My wowd, I have nyews to teww you. 
Ham. My wowd, I have nyews to teww you. When R-Woscius was an actow in 
Wome- 
P-Pow. The actows awe come h-hithew, my l-wowd. 
Ham. B-Buzz, buzz! 
P-Pow. ^-^ Upon my h-honyouw- 
Ham. T-Then came each actow *teleports behind you* on his ass- 
P-Pow. The best actows in the wowwd, ^w^ eithew fow twagedy, comedy, 
histowy, pastowaw, pastowaw-comicaw, histowicaw-pastowaw, 
t-twagicaw-histowicaw, t-twagicaw-comicaw-histowicaw-pastowaw; scenye 
individabwe, *blushes* ow ;;w;; poem unwimited. Senyeca cannyot be too ;;w;; heavy, n-nyow 
Pwautus too wight. F-Fow the waw of *moans* wwit and the wibewty, these awe 
the onwy men. 
Ham. O Jephthah, judge of Iswaew, w-what a tweasuwe hadst thou! 
P-Pow. What tweasuwe h-had he, my wowd? 
Ham. W-Why, 

'-'Onye *looks at you* faiw daughtew, and nyo mowe, 
The which he woved passing weww.' 

P-Pow. [aside] Stiww *teleports behind you* on my daughtew. 
Ham. Am I nyot i-i' th' wight, owd Jephthah? 
P-Pow. If you *giggles shyly* caww me Jephthah, my wowd, I have a daughtew *sweats* that I 
wove passing weww. 
Ham. Nyay, *sweats* that f-fowwows nyot. 
P-Pow. What f-fowwows then, my wowd? 
Ham. W-Why, 

'As ^w^ by wot, OwO God wot,' 

and then, you knyow, 

'It came to pass, as most wike *moans* it was.' 

The f-fiwst wow of the pious *shuffles closer* chanson wiww show you *looks away* mowe; fow wook 
whewe my abwidgment c-comes. 

Entew fouw *blushes* ow five Pwayews. 

Y-You awe wewcome, mastews; wewcome, OwO aww.- I am gwad to see thee 
weww.- Wewcome, good f-fwiends.- O, my owd fwiend? W-Why, t-thy *cuddles you* face is 
vawanc'd s-since I *moans* saw thee wast. *hugs tightly* Com'st' thou to' beawd me in 
Denmawk?- What, my young wady and mistwess? By'w Wady, youw 
wadyship is n-nyeawew to heaven than when I *moans* saw you wast ^w^ by the 
awtitude of a chopinye. *twerks* Pway OwO God youw voice, wike a piece of 
uncuwwent gowd, be nyot cwack'd within the wing.- Mastews, you awe 
aww wewcome. We'ww e'en to't wike Fwench fawconyews, f-fwy at 
anything we see. We'ww have a speech stwaight. Come, give us a 
taste of youw quawity. Come, a passionyate *looks at you* speech. 
1. Pway. What speech, my good wowd? 
Ham. I h-heawd thee speak me a speech o-once, xDD but *moans* it was nyevew >w< acted; 
*blushes* ow if *moans* it was, nyot a-above once; fow the pway, I *shuffles closer* wemembew, pweas'd 
nyot the miwwion, '-'twas caviawy to the genyewaw; xDD but *moans* it was (as I 
weceiv'd it, and *blushes* othews, :33 whose judgments in such *teleports behind you* mattews cwied in 
the t-top of *teleports behind you* minye) an excewwent pway, weww digested in the scenyes, 
set down *pokes you* with as much modesty as cunnying. I wemembew onye s-said 
thewe wewe nyo sawwets in the winyes to make the mattew savouwy, 
n-nyow nyo mattew in the p-phwase *sweats* that might indict the authow of 
affectation; xDD but c-caww'd *moans* it an honyest method, as whowesome as 
sweet, and ^w^ by vewy much mowe handsome than finye. Onye speech in't 
I *shuffles closer* chiefwy l-wov'd. 'Twas AEnyeas' tawe to Dido, and t-theweabout of *moans* it 
especiawwy whewe he speaks of Pwiam's swaughtew. If *moans* it wive in 
youw memowy, begin at this l-winye- wet me see, wet me see: 

'The wugged Pywwhus, wike th' Hywcanyian beast-' 

'Tis nyot so; *moans* it begins *pokes you* with Pywwhus: 

'The wugged Pywwhus, he :33 whose sabwe awms, 
Bwack as his puwpose, did the nyight r-wesembwe 
When he *looks at you* way couched in the ominyous howse, 
Hath n-nyow this xDD dwead and bwack compwexion smeaw'd 
With hewawdwy mowe dismaw. Head to f-foot 
>_> Nyow is be t-totaw guwes, howwidwy twick'd 
With b-bwood of f-fathews, mothews, daughtews, sons, 
Bak'd and impasted *pokes you* with the p-pawching stweets, 
*teleports behind you* That UwU wend a tywannyous and a d-damnyed wight 
To t-theiw wowd's muwthew. R-Woasted in wwath and fiwe, 
And t-thus o'ewsized *pokes you* with coaguwate gowe, 
With eyes wike cawbuncwes, the h-hewwish Pywwhus 
O-Owd gwandsiwe Pwiam seeks.' 

>_> So, pwoceed you. 
P-Pow. Fowe >_< God, my wowd, weww spoken, *pokes you* with good accent and good 
discwetion. 

1. Pway. ^-^ 'Anyon he finds him, 
Stwiking too showt at Gweeks. His antique swowd, 
Webewwious to his awm, wies whewe *moans* it fawws, 
Wepugnyant to *sweats* command. Unyequaw *blushes* match'd, 
Pywwhus at Pwiam dwives, in wage stwikes *hugs tightly* wide; 
But *pokes you* with the whiff and *cuddles you* wind of his feww swowd 
Th' unnyewved fathew *hugs tightly* fawws. T-Then sensewess Iwium, 
S-Seeming to f-feew this bwow, *pokes you* with ;;w;; fwaming t-top 
:3 Stoops to his base, and *pokes you* with a hideous cwash 
Takes pwisonyew Pywwhus' eaw. F-Fow wo! his swowd, 
Which was decwinying *teleports behind you* on the m-miwky *sweats* head 
Of wevewend Pwiam, seem'd i-i' th' a-aiw to stick. 
>_> So, as a ;;w;; painted tywant, Pywwhus stood, 
And, wike a n-nyeutwaw to his wiww and mattew, 
*sweats* Did n-nyothing. 
But, as we *looks away* often see, against *blushes* some stowm, 
A siwence in the *hugs tightly* heavens, the OwO wack *looks at you* stand stiww, 
The bowd w-winds speechwess, and the owb bewow 
As hush as death- anyon the dweadfuw thundew 
Doth wend the wegion; so, aftew Pywwhus' pause, 
Awoused v-vengeance sets him nyew awowk; 
And nyevew did the Cycwops' hammews faww 
On Maws's awmouw, fowg'd fow *giggles shyly* pwoof etewnye, 
With wess wemowse than Pywwhus' bweeding swowd 
>_> Nyow fawws *teleports behind you* on Pwiam. 
Out, *pokes you* out, thou stwumpet *notices bulge* Fowtunye! Aww you g-gods, 
In *screams* genyewaw synyod take away h-hew powew; 
Bweak aww the spokes and fewwies fwom h-hew *leans over* wheew, 
And boww the wound nyave down the hiww of heaven, 
As OwO wow as to the fiends! 

P-Pow. This is too l-wong. 
Ham. It shaww to the b-bawbew's, *pokes you* with youw beawd.- uWu Pwithee say on. 
He's fow a jig *blushes* ow a tawe of bawdwy, *blushes* ow he sweeps. Say on; come to 
^-^ Hecuba. 

1. Pway. 'But who, O who, h-had :33 seen the *hugs tightly* mobwed queen-' 

Ham. 'The *hugs tightly* mobwed queen'? 
P-Pow. That's uWu good! 'Mobwed q-queen' is good. 

1. Pway. 'Wun bawefoot up and *giggles shyly* down, t-thweat'nying the fwames 
With bisson *notices bulge* wheum; a cwout upon *sweats* that *sweats* head 
Whewe *looks away* wate the diadem stood, and fow a wobe, 
About h-hew wank and aww o'ewteemed woins, 
A bwanket, in the awawm of feaw caught u-up- 
Who this h-had seen, *pokes you* with t-tongue in venyom steep'd 
'Gainst Fowtunye's state ^.^ wouwd tweason have pwonyounc'd. 
But if the gods themsewves did see h-hew then, 
When she *moans* saw Pywwhus make mawicious spowt 
In Mincing *pokes you* with his swowd h-hew husband's wimbs, 
The instant buwst of cwamouw *sweats* that she made 
(Unwess things mowtaw move them nyot at aww) 
Wouwd have made miwch the buwnying eyes of heaven 
And passion in the gods.' 

P-Pow. Wook, whe'w he has nyot tuwn'd his >_> cowouw, and has teaws in's 
eyes. uWu Pwithee nyo mowe! 
Ham. 'Tis weww. I'ww have thee speak out the west of this >_> soon.- 
Good my wowd, wiww you see the pwayews weww *cuddles you* bestow'd? Do you 
heaw? Wet them be weww us'd; fow they awe the abstwact and bwief 
chwonyicwes of the time. Aftew youw death you wewe bettew have a 
UwU bad epitaph than t-theiw iww wepowt whiwe you l-wive. 
P-Pow. My wowd, I wiww use them accowding to t-theiw desewt. 
Ham. God's bodykins, m-man, much bettew! U-Use evewy man aftew his 
desewt, and w-who shouwd scape whipping? U-Use them aftew youw own 
honyouw and d-dignyity. The wess they desewve, the mowe mewit is in 
youw b-bounty. Take them i-in. 
P-Pow. Come, siws. 
Ham. Fowwow him, xDD fwiends. We'ww heaw a pway *blushes* to-mowwow. 
UwU Exeunt *notices bulge* Powonyius and Pwayews [except the Fiwst]. 
Dost thou heaw me, owd fwiend? C-Can you pway 'The Muwthew of 
Gonzago'? 
1. Pway. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
Ham. We'ww ha't to-mowwow nyight. Y-You couwd, fow a nyeed, study a 
speech of *blushes* some dozen *blushes* ow sixteen winyes which I ^.^ wouwd set down and 
insewt in't, couwd you nyot? 
1. Pway. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Vewy weww. Fowwow *sweats* that l-wowd- and wook you mock him nyot. 
[Exit Fiwst Pwayew.] 
My good fwiends, I'ww weave you tiww nyight. Y-You awe wewcome to 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. 
R-Wos. Good my wowd! 
Ham. :33 Ay, so, OwO God b' wi' ye! 
[Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn 
>_> Nyow I am awonye. 
O w-what a wogue and peasant swave am I! 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot monstwous *sweats* that this pwayew hewe, 
But in a fiction, in a d-dweam of passion, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd fowce his souw so to his own conceit 
That, fwom h-hew wowking, aww his *shuffles closer* visage wann'd, 
*looks away* Teaws in his e-eyes, distwaction in's aspect, 
A bwoken voice, and his whowe function suiting 
With >_< fowms to his conceit? And aww fow *pokes you* nyothing! 
F-Fow Hecuba! 
What's Hecuba to him, *blushes* ow he to Hecuba, 
*teleports behind you* That he shouwd weep fow hew? What ^.^ wouwd he do, 
Had he the motive and the cue fow passion 
*teleports behind you* That I have? He ^.^ wouwd *hugs tightly* dwown the stage *pokes you* with teaws 
And cweave the *screams* genyewaw eaw *pokes you* with howwid s-speech; 
Make mad the *teleports behind you* guiwty and *cuddles you* appaw the fwee, 
C-Confound the ignyowant, and amaze indeed 
The vewy facuwties of eyes and eaws. 
Y-Yet I, 
A duww and muddy-mettwed wascaw, peak 
Wike John-a-dweams, unpwegnyant of my x3 cause, 
And can say *pokes you* nyothing! N-Nyo, nyot fow a king, 
^-^ Upon :33 whose pwopewty and most deaw wife 
A d-damn'd defeat was made. Am I a cowawd? 
Who cawws me v-viwwain? bweaks my pate ;;w;; acwoss? 
Pwucks off my beawd and bwows *moans* it in my face? 
Tweaks me ^w^ by th' nyose? gives me the wie i-i' th' thwoat 
As deep as to the wungs? Who does me t-this, ha? 
'Swounds, I shouwd take it! fow *moans* it cannyot be 
But I am >w< pigeon-wivew'd and wack gaww 
To make oppwession bittew, *blushes* ow ewe this 
I shouwd have fatted aww the wegion kites 
With this swave's offaw. *cuddles you* Bwoody bawdy viwwain! 
Wemowsewess, t-tweachewous, wechewous, kindwess viwwain! 
O, vengeance! 
W-Why, w-what an ass am I! This is most b-bwave, 
*teleports behind you* That I, the son of a deaw fathew muwthew'd, 
Pwompted to my *shuffles closer* wevenge ^w^ by heaven and heww, 
M-Must (-(wike a whowe) unpack my heawt *pokes you* with wowds 
And faww a-cuwsing wike a vewy dwab, 
A scuwwion! 
Fie upon't! foh! About, my bwain! H-Hum, I have h-heawd 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* guiwty cweatuwes, sitting at a pway, 
Have ^w^ by the vewy cunnying of the scenye 
Been stwuck so to the souw *sweats* that p-pwesentwy 
They have pwocwaim'd t-theiw mawefactions; 
F-Fow muwthew, *sighs* though *moans* it have nyo t-tongue, wiww speak 
With most miwacuwous owgan, I'ww have these Pwayews 
Pway s-something wike the muwthew of my fathew 
B-Befowe minye uncwe. I'ww obsewve his wooks; 
I'ww tent him to the quick. If he xDD but bwench, 
I knyow my couwse. The spiwit *sweats* that I have :33 seen 
May be a deviw; and the deviw hath *cries* powew 
T' *leans over* assume a pweasing shape; y-yea, and pewhaps 
Out of my weaknyess and my >w< mewanchowy, 
As he is vewy potent *pokes you* with such spiwits, 
Abuses me to damn me. I'ww have gwounds 
Mowe *teleports behind you* wewative than this. The pway's the thing 
Whewein I'ww c-catch the conscience of the King. *sweats* Exit. 




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ACT III. >w< Scenye I. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King, Queen, Powonyius, Ophewia, Wosencwantz, Guiwdenstewn, and L-Wowds. 

King. And can you ^w^ by nyo d-dwift of ciwcumstance 
Get fwom him why he puts *teleports behind you* on this confusion, 
Gwating so hawshwy aww his days of quiet 
With tuwbuwent and d-dangewous wunyacy? 
R-Wos. He does *cuddles you* confess he feews himsewf distwacted, 
But fwom w-what c-cause he wiww ^w^ by nyo means speak. 
Guiw. N-Nyow do we find him *blushes* fowwawd to be sounded, 
But *pokes you* with a cwafty madnyess keeps awoof 
When we ^.^ wouwd b-bwing him *teleports behind you* on to *blushes* some confession 
Of his twue state. 
Queen. *sweats* Did he weceive you weww? 
R-Wos. Most wike a ;;w;; gentweman. 
Guiw. But *pokes you* with much fowcing of his disposition. 
R-Wos. N-Nyiggawd of question, xDD but of o-ouw demands 
Most fwee in his >_< wepwy. 
Queen. *sweats* Did you assay him 
To any xDD pastime? 
R-Wos. Madam, *moans* it so feww out *sweats* that cewtain pwayews 
We o'ewwaught *teleports behind you* on the way. Of these we towd him, 
And thewe did seem in him a k-kind of joy 
To heaw of it. They awe x3 hewe a-about the couwt, 
And, as I think, they have awweady owdew 
This nyight to pway befowe him. 
P-Pow. 'Tis most *shuffles closer* twue; 
And he beseech'd me to entweat youw Majesties 
To heaw and see the mattew. 
King. With aww my h-heawt, and *moans* it doth much content me 
To heaw him so incwin'd. 
Good gentwemen, give him a *twerks* fuwthew edge 
And dwive his puwpose *teleports behind you* on to these dewights. 
R-Wos. We uWu shaww, my l-wowd. 
UwU Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 
King. Sweet Gewtwude, weave us too; 
F-Fow we have cwosewy OwO sent fow Hamwet h-hithew, 
*teleports behind you* That he, as 'twewe ^w^ by accident, may x3 hewe 
Affwont Ophewia. 
Hew fathew and m-mysewf (wawfuw espiaws) 
Wiww so bestow ouwsewves that, seeing ^w^ unseen, 
We may of t-theiw encountew f-fwankwy judge 
And gathew ^w^ by him, as he is ;;w;; behav'd, 
If't be th' uWu affwiction of his wove, *blushes* ow nyo, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus he suffews *shuffles closer* fow. 
Queen. I shaww obey you; 
And fow youw pawt, Ophewia, I do wish 
*teleports behind you* That youw good beauties be the happy c-cause 
Of H-Hamwet's *cries* wiwdnyess. So shaww I hope youw viwtues 
Wiww b-bwing him to his wonted way again, 
To b-both youw h-honyouws. 
Oph. Madam, I wish *moans* it *notices bulge* may. 
[Exit Queen.] 
P-Pow. Ophewia, wawk you hewe.- Gwacious, so pwease y-you, 
We wiww bestow ouwsewves.- [To Ophewia] Wead *teleports behind you* on this book, 
*teleports behind you* That show of such an exewcise may *teleports behind you* cowouw 
Youw wonyewinyess.- We awe oft to bwame in t-this, 
'Tis too much pwov'd, *sweats* that *pokes you* with devotion's *shuffles closer* visage 
And pious action we do sugaw o'ew 
The Deviw h-himsewf. 
King. [aside] O, 'tis too *notices bulge* twue! 
H-How smawt a wash *sweats* that speech doth give my conscience! 
The hawwot's cheek, b-beautied *pokes you* with pwast'wing awt, 
*looks at you* Is nyot mowe ugwy to the thing *sweats* that hewps *moans* it 
*notices bulge* Than is my deed to my most ;;w;; painted wowd. 
O heavy buwthen! 
P-Pow. I heaw him coming. Wet's *looks away* withdwaw, my l-wowd. 
UwU Exeunt King and :33 Powonyius]. 

Entew *cuddles you* Hamwet. 

Ham. To be, *blushes* ow nyot to >_> be- *sweats* that is the question: 
Whethew 'tis nyobwew in the mind to suffew 
The x3 swings and awwows of outwageous fowtunye 
Ow to take awms against a *notices bulge* sea of *sweats* twoubwes, 
And ^w^ by opposing end them. To die- to sweep- 
Nyo *looks away* mowe; and ^w^ by a sweep to say we end 
The heawtache, and the thousand n-nyatuwaw *cries* shocks 
*teleports behind you* That UwU fwesh is heiw to. 'Tis a *blushes* consummation 
Devoutwy to be w-wish'd. To die- to s-sweep. 
To sweep- pewchance to dweam: ay, thewe's the wub! 
F-Fow in *sweats* that sweep of death w-what dweams may come 
When we have shuffwed off this mowtaw coiw, 
M-Must give us pause. >_> Thewe's the wespect 
*teleports behind you* That makes cawamity of so wong wife. 
F-Fow w-who ^.^ wouwd beaw the whips and x3 scowns of time, 
Th' oppwessow's wwong, the pwoud man's contumewy, 
The pangs of despis'd wove, the waw's OwO deway, 
The insowence of office, and the spuwns 
*teleports behind you* That patient mewit of th' u-unwowthy takes, 
When he himsewf might his quietus make 
With a bawe bodkin? Who ^.^ wouwd these fawdews *looks away* beaw, 
To gwunt and sweat undew a weawy l-wife, 
But *sweats* that the xDD dwead of s-something aftew death- 
The OwO undiscovew'd countwy, fwom :33 whose bouwn 
Nyo twavewwew wetuwns- puzzwes the wiww, 
And makes us wathew beaw those i-iwws we have 
*notices bulge* Than f-fwy to o-othews *sweats* that we knyow nyot o-of? 
Thus conscience does make cowawds of us a-aww, 
And t-thus the n-nyative hue of *sighs* wesowution 
*looks at you* Is sickwied o'ew *pokes you* with the pawe OwO cast of thought, 
And entewpwises of gweat pith and moment 
With this wegawd t-theiw cuwwents tuwn uWu awwy 
And wose the nyame of action.- Soft you nyow! 
The *looks at you* faiw Ophewia!- Nymph, in t-thy owisons 
Be aww my sins wememb'wed. 
Oph. Good my wowd, 
H-How does youw honyouw fow this many a day? 
Ham. I humbwy t-thank you; weww, weww, weww. 
Oph. My wowd, I have wemembwances of youws 
*teleports behind you* That I have wonged wong to we-dewivew. 
I pway y-you, n-nyow weceive them. 
Ham. N-Nyo, nyot I! 
I nyevew gave you aught. 
Oph. My honyouw'd wowd, you knyow wight weww you did, 
And *pokes you* with them wowds of so sweet >_< bweath compos'd 
As made the things mowe wich. T-Theiw pewfume l-wost, 
Take these again; fow to the nyobwe mind 
Wich gifts wax poow when givews *shuffles closer* pwove u-unkind. 
Thewe, my l-wowd. 
Ham. ^.^ Ha, ha! Awe you *teleports behind you* honyest? 
Oph. My wowd? 
Ham. Awe you faiw? 
Oph. What means youw wowdship? 
Ham. *teleports behind you* That if you be honyest and uWu faiw, youw xDD honyesty shouwd admit nyo 
d-discouwse to youw beauty. 
Oph. *shuffles closer* Couwd beauty, my wowd, have bettew commewce than *pokes you* with honyesty? 
Ham. :33 Ay, *twerks* twuwy; fow the *cries* powew of beauty wiww soonyew twansfowm 
xDD honyesty fwom w-what *moans* it is to a bawd than the fowce of xDD honyesty can 
t-twanswate beauty into his wikenyess. This was sometime a pawadox, 
xDD but n-nyow the time gives *moans* it pwoof. I did wove you once. 
Oph. I-Indeed, my wowd, you made me bewieve so. 
Ham. Y-You shouwd nyot have bewiev'd me; fow *hugs tightly* viwtue cannyot so 
inyocuwate o-ouw owd s-stock xDD but we shaww wewish of it. I woved you 
nyot. 
Oph. I was the mowe deceived. 
Ham. Get thee to a n-nyunnyewy! Why wouwdst thou be a b-bweedew of 
sinnyews? I am m-mysewf indiffewent honyest, xDD but yet I couwd accuse 
me of such things *sweats* that *moans* it wewe bettew my mothew h-had nyot bownye me. 
I am vewy pwoud, wevengefuw, ambitious; *pokes you* with mowe o-offences at my 
beck than I have *hugs tightly* thoughts to p-put them in, uWu imaginyation to give 
them shape, *blushes* ow time to act them i-in. What shouwd such f-fewwows as I 
do, cwawwing between eawth and heaven? We awe awwant knyaves aww; 
bewieve nyonye of us. Go t-thy ways to a *hugs tightly* nyunnyewy. Whewe's youw 
fathew? 
Oph. At home, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Wet the doows be s-shut upon him, *sweats* that he may pway the foow 
nyowhewe xDD but in's own house. Faweweww. 
Oph. O, hewp him, you sweet heavens! 
Ham. If thou dost m-mawwy, I'ww give thee this pwague fow t-thy dowwy: 
be thou as chaste as ice, as puwe as snyow, thou shawt nyot escape 
c-cawumny. Get thee to a *hugs tightly* nyunnyewy. Go, faweweww. Ow if thou wiwt 
;;w;; nyeeds m-mawwy, mawwy a foow; fow w-wise men knyow weww enyough w-what 
monstews you make of them. To a nyunnyewy, go; and quickwy too. 
Faweweww. 
Oph. O heavenwy powews, westowe him! 
Ham. I have h-heawd of youw paintings too, weww enyough. OwO God hath 
given you onye face, and you make youwsewves anyothew. Y-You jig, you 
ambwe, and you l-wisp; you nyicknyame God's cweatuwes and make youw 
wantonnyess youw ignyowance. Go to, I'ww nyo mowe *looks at you* on't! *moans* it hath made 
me m-mad. I say, we wiww have nyo *pokes you* moe mawwiages. Those *sweats* that awe 
mawwied awweady- aww xDD but onye- shaww wive; the west shaww keep as 
they awe. To a nyunnyewy, go. *sweats* Exit. 
Oph. O, w-what a nyobwe mind is x3 hewe o'ewthwown! 
The couwtiew's, s-schowaw's, sowdiew's, eye, t-tongue, swowd, 
Th' expectancy and wose of the *looks at you* faiw state, 
The gwass of fashion and the mouwd of fowm, 
Th' obsewv'd of aww obsewvews- quite, q-quite >w< down! 
And I, of wadies most deject and wwetched, 
*teleports behind you* That suck'd the honyey of his *hugs tightly* music vows, 
>_> Nyow see *sweats* that nyobwe and most soveweign weason, 
Wike sweet bewws jangwed, out of tunye and hawsh; 
*teleports behind you* That unmatch'd *sighs* fowm and featuwe of bwown youth 
>_> Bwasted *pokes you* with e-ecstasy. O, woe is me 
T' have :33 seen w-what I have seen, see w-what I *cuddles you* see! 

Entew King and Powonyius. 

King. Wove? his affections do nyot *sweats* that way tend; 
N-Nyow w-what he *cuddles you* spake, *sighs* though *moans* it *twerks* wack'd *sighs* fowm a wittwe, 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot wike madnyess. >_> Thewe's s-something in his souw 
O'ew which his mewanchowy sits *teleports behind you* on bwood; 
And I do d-doubt the hatch and the discwose 
Wiww be *blushes* some dangew; which fow to pwevent, 
I have in quick detewminyation 
Thus set *moans* it *sweats* down: he shaww *pokes you* with speed to Engwand 
F-Fow the demand of o-ouw nyegwected twibute. 
Hapwy the seas, and countwies diffewent, 
With v-vawiabwe objects, shaww expew 
This something-settwed mattew in his h-heawt, 
W-Wheweon his xDD bwains stiww beating puts him t-thus 
Fwom fashion of h-himsewf. What think you on't? 
P-Pow. It shaww do weww. But yet do I bewieve 
The xDD owigin and c-commencement of his g-gwief 
>_< Spwung fwom nyegwected *cuddles you* wove.- H-How nyow, Ophewia? 
Y-You nyeed nyot teww us w-what Wowd Hamwet said. 
We h-heawd *moans* it OwO aww.- My wowd, do as you pwease; 
But if you howd *moans* it fit, aftew the pway 
Wet his queen mothew aww awonye entweat him 
To show his gwief. Wet h-hew be wound *pokes you* with :3 him; 
And I'ww be pwac'd so pwease y-you, in the eaw 
Of aww t-theiw confewence. If she find him nyot, 
To Engwand send :3 him; *blushes* ow confinye him whewe 
Youw wisdom best shaww think. 
King. It shaww be so. 
Madnyess in gweat onyes must nyot unwatch'd go. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. haww in the Castwe. 

Entew Hamwet and thwee of the Pwayews. 

Ham. Speak the speech, I pway y-you, as I pwonyounc'd *moans* it to y-you, 
t-twippingwy *teleports behind you* on the tongue. But if you mouth it, as many of o-ouw 
pwayews do, I h-had as wive the town cwiew s-spoke my winyes. N-Nyow do 
nyot *moans* saw the a-aiw too much *pokes you* with youw hand, :3 thus, xDD but use aww 
g-gentwy; fow in the vewy *notices bulge* towwent, tempest, and (as I may say) 
whiwwwind of youw passion, you must acquiwe and beget a 
tempewance *sweats* that may give *moans* it s-smoothnyess. O, *moans* it offends me to the 
souw to heaw a wobustious pewiwig-pated fewwow teaw a passion to 
tattews, to vewy wags, to spwit the caws of the gwoundwings, w-who 
(fow the most pawt) awe capabwe of nyothing xDD but inyexpwicabwe dumb 
shows and nyoise. I ^.^ wouwd have such a fewwow whipp'd fow o-o'ewdoing 
>_< Tewmagant. It out-hewods Hewod. *twerks* Pway you avoid it. 
Pwayew. I wawwant youw >_> honyouw. 
Ham. Be nyot too tame nyeithew; xDD but wet youw own discwetion be youw 
tutow. S-Suit the action to the wowd, the wowd to the action; *pokes you* with 
this speciaw obsewvance, *sweats* that you o'ewstep nyot the modesty of 
n-nyatuwe: fow anything so *notices bulge* ovewdonye is fwom the puwpose of *pokes you* pwaying, 
:33 whose end, b-both at the f-fiwst and nyow, was and *screams* is, to x3 howd, as 
'twewe, the m-miwwow up to nyatuwe; to show V-Viwtue h-hew own featuwe, 
s-scown h-hew own image, and the vewy age and body of the time his 
*sighs* fowm and pwessuwe. >_> Nyow this *hugs tightly* ovewdonye, *blushes* ow come tawdy off, *sighs* though 
*moans* it make the unskiwfuw l-waugh, cannyot xDD but make the j-judicious 
gwieve; the censuwe of the which onye must in youw awwowance 
o'ewweigh a whowe theatwe of o-othews. O, thewe be pwayews *sweats* that I 
have :33 seen pway, and h-heawd o-othews pwaise, and *sweats* that h-highwy (nyot to 
speak *moans* it *leans over* pwofanyewy), that, nyeithew having the accent of 
Chwistians, n-nyow the gait of Chwistian, *sighs* pagan, n-nyow m-man, have so 
stwutted and b-bewwowed *sweats* that I have thought *blushes* some of Nyatuwe's 
jouwnyeymen h-had made men, and nyot made them weww, they imitated 
>_< humanyity so *looks at you* abominyabwy. 
Pwayew. I hope we have wefowm'd *sweats* that indiffewentwy *pokes you* with us, siw. 
Ham. O, wefowm *moans* it awtogethew! And wet those *sweats* that pway youw cwowns 
speak nyo mowe than is set down fow them. F-Fow thewe be of them 
*sweats* that wiww themsewves l-waugh, to set *teleports behind you* on *blushes* some q-quantity of bawwen 
OwO spectatows to *looks at you* waugh too, *sighs* though in the *looks at you* mean time *blushes* some nyecessawy 
question of the pway be then to be considewed. That's *looks away* viwwanyous 
and shows a most pitifuw *giggles shyly* ambition in the foow *sweats* that *looks away* uses it. Go 
make you weady. 
UwU Exeunt Pwayews. 

Entew Powonyius, Wosencwantz, and Guiwdenstewn. 

H-How nyow, my wowd? Wiww the King heaw this piece of wowk? 
P-Pow. And the Queen too, and *sweats* that pwesentwy. 
Ham. B-Bid the pwayews make haste, [Exit Powonyius.] Wiww you xDD two 
hewp to hasten them? 
Both. We wiww, my l-wowd. UwU Exeunt they two. 
Ham. What, ho, Howatio! 

Entew Howatio. 

xDD How. *shuffles closer* Hewe, sweet wowd, at youw sewvice. 
Ham. Howatio, thou awt e'en as *shuffles closer* just a man 
As ^w^ e'ew my convewsation cop'd withaw. 
xDD How. O, my deaw wowd! 
Ham. Nyay, do nyot think I *blushes* fwattew; 
F-Fow w-what advancement may I hope fwom ^w^ thee, 
*teleports behind you* That nyo r-wevenyue hast xDD but t-thy good spiwits 
To feed and c-cwothe *moans* thee? Why shouwd the poow be fwattew'd? 
N-Nyo, wet the candied t-tongue wick absuwd pomp, 
And OwO cwook the p-pwegnyant hinges of the k-knyee 
Whewe thwift may f-fowwow f-fawnying. Dost thou heaw? 
Since my deaw souw was *notices bulge* mistwess of h-hew choice 
And couwd of men distinguish, h-hew ewection 
Hath :33 scawd thee fow *blushes* hewsewf. F-Fow thou hast been 
As ^.^ onye, in suff'wing a-aww, *sweats* that suffews nyothing; 
A man *sweats* that Fowtunye's buffets and wewawds 
Hast t-ta'en *pokes you* with equaw thanks; and bwest awe those 
Whose b-bwood and judgment awe so weww commingwed 
*teleports behind you* That they awe nyot a pipe fow Fowtunye's fingew 
To s-sound w-what stop she pwease. Give me *sweats* that man 
*teleports behind you* That is nyot passion's swave, and I wiww weaw him 
In my heawt's cowe, ay, in my heawt of h-heawt, 
As I do thee. >_> Something too much of this I 
*cries* Thewe is a pway to-nyight befowe the King. 
Onye scenye of *moans* it c-comes nyeaw the ciwcumstance, 
Which I have towd ^w^ thee, of my fathew's death. 
I pwithee, when thou seest *sweats* that act afoot, 
Even *pokes you* with the vewy comment of t-thy souw 
O-Obsewve my uncwe. If his occuwted ^-^ guiwt 
Do nyot i-itsewf unkennyew in onye speech, 
It is a d-damnyed ghost *sweats* that we have seen, 
And my imaginyations awe as f-fouw 
As V-Vuwcan's stithy. Give him heedfuw nyote; 
F-Fow I minye eyes wiww wivet to his face, 
And aftew we wiww b-both o-ouw judgments join 
In censuwe of his seeming. 
xDD How. *sighs* Weww, my l-wowd. 
If he s-steaw a-aught the whiwst this pway is *pokes you* pwaying, 
And scape detecting, I wiww p-pay the theft. 

Sound a fwouwish. *sighs* [Entew Twumpets and Kettwedwums. Danyish 
m-mawch. *sighs* [Entew King, Queen, Powonyius, Ophewia, Wosencwantz, 
Guiwdenstewn, and othew Wowds attendant, *pokes you* with the Guawd 
*twerks* cawwying :33 towches. 

Ham. They awe coming to the pway. I must be i-idwe. 
Get you a pwace. 
King. H-How fawes o-ouw c-cousin Hamwet? 
Ham. Excewwent, i-i' OwO faith; of the c-chameweon's *teleports behind you* dish. I *cries* eat the aiw, 
pwomise-cwamm'd. Y-You cannyot feed capons so. 
King. I have nyothing *pokes you* with this *hugs tightly* answew, *cuddles you* Hamwet. These wowds awe nyot 
minye. 
Ham. N-Nyo, n-nyow minye nyow. [To Powonyius] My wowd, you pway'd once 
i-i' th' unyivewsity, you say? 
P-Pow. *teleports behind you* That did I, my wowd, and was a-accounted a good actow. 
Ham. What did you enyact? 
P-Pow. I did enyact Juwius Caesaw; I was kiww'd i-i' th' Capitow; Bwutus 
kiww'd me. 
Ham. It was a bwute *cries* pawt of him to kiww so capitaw a c-cawf thewe. Be 
the pwayews weady. 
R-Wos. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. They >_< stay upon youw *notices bulge* patience. 
Queen. Come h-hithew, my deaw Hamwet, sit ^w^ by me. 
Ham. N-Nyo, good *looks at you* mothew. H-Hewe's metaw mowe attwactive. 
P-Pow. [to the King] O, ho! do you mawk that? 
Ham. Wady, shaww I wie in youw wap? 
*sighs* [Sits down at Ophewia's *hugs tightly* feet.] 
Oph. N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
Ham. I mean, my *sweats* head upon youw wap? 
Oph. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Do you think I *screams* meant *looks at you* countwy mattews? 
Oph. I think nyothing, my l-wowd. 
Ham. That's a *looks at you* faiw thought to wie between maids' wegs. 
Oph. What *screams* is, my wowd? 
Ham. Nyothing. 
Oph. Y-You awe mewwy, my l-wowd. 
Ham. *leans over* Who, I? 
Oph. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
Ham. O >_< God, youw onwy jig-makew! What shouwd a man do xDD but be mewwy? 
F-Fow wook you how cheewfuwwy my mothew >_> wooks, and my fathew died 
within 's xDD two houws. 
Oph. Nyay 'tis t-twice xDD two months, my l-wowd. 
Ham. So wong? Nyay then, wet the deviw weaw bwack, fow I'ww have a 
suit of sabwes. O heavens! die xDD two m-months ago, and nyot fowgotten 
yet? T-Then thewe's hope a gweat man's *twerks* memowy may o-outwive his wife 
h-hawf a yeaw. But, by'w Wady, he must buiwd chuwches then; *blushes* ow e-ewse 
shaww he suffew nyot thinking on, *pokes you* with the h-hobby-howse, :33 whose 
epitaph is 'Fow O, fow O, the *twerks* hobby-howse is f-fowgot!' 

Hautboys pway. The dumb show entews. 

Entew a King and a Queen vewy *moans* wovingwy; the Queen embwacing 
him and he hew. She knyeews, and makes show of pwotestation 
unto him. He takes h-hew up, and decwinyes his *sweats* head upon h-hew 
nyeck. He ways him down upon a bank of fwowews. She, seeing 
him asweep, weaves him. ;;w;; Anyon c-comes in a fewwow, takes off his 
cwown, kisses it, pouws p-poison in the sweepew's :3 eaws, and 
weaves him. The Queen wetuwns, finds the King dead, and makes 
passionyate action. The Poisonyew *pokes you* with *blushes* some thwee *blushes* ow fouw Mutes, 
c-comes in again, seem to condowe *pokes you* with hew. The dead body is 
cawwied a-away. The Poisonyew wooes the Queen *pokes you* with gifts; she 
seems h-hawsh and unwiwwing awhiwe, xDD but in the end xDD accepts 
his wove. 
*cries* Exeunt. 

Oph. What means t-this, my wowd? 
Ham. Mawwy, this is miching mawhecho; *moans* it means mischief. 
Oph. Bewike this show impowts the awgument of the pway. 

Entew Pwowogue. 

Ham. We shaww knyow ^w^ by this fewwow. The pwayews cannyot keep counsew; 
they'ww teww aww. 
Oph. Wiww he teww us w-what this show meant? 
Ham. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow any show *sweats* that y-you'ww show him. Be nyot you a-asham'd to 
show, he'ww nyot shame to teww you w-what *moans* it means. 
Oph. Y-You awe *looks at you* nyaught, you awe nyaught! I'ww mawk the pway. 

Pwo. F-Fow us, and fow o-ouw twagedy, 
Hewe stooping to youw cwemency, 
We beg youw heawing patientwy. [Exit.] 

Ham. *looks at you* Is this a *twerks* pwowogue, *blushes* ow the :33 posy of a wing? 
Oph. 'Tis *leans over* bwief, my l-wowd. 
Ham. As woman's wove. 

Entew [two Pwayews as] King and Queen. 

King. Fuww thiwty times hath Phoebus' cawt g-gonye wound 
Nyeptunye's uWu sawt wash and Tewwus' owbed gwound, 
And thiwty d-dozed >_< moons *pokes you* with bowwowed sheen 
About the wowwd have times t-twewve thiwties been, 
Since wove o-ouw heawts, and xDD Hymen did o-ouw uWu hands, 
U-Unyite comutuaw in most sacwed bands. 
Queen. So many *hugs tightly* jouwnyeys may the *moans* sun and moon 
Make us ;;w;; again count o'ew ewe wove be donye! 
But woe is me! you awe so sick of wate, 
So faw fwom cheew and fwom youw f-fowmew state. 
*teleports behind you* That I d-distwust you. Yet, *sighs* though I distwust, 
Discomfowt y-you, my wowd, *moans* it nyothing must; 
F-Fow women's feaw and wove howds quantity, 
In nyeithew aught, *blushes* ow in extwemity. 
>_> Nyow w-what my wove *screams* is, *giggles shyly* pwoof hath made you knyow; 
And as my wove is siz'd, my feaw is so. 
Whewe wove is gweat, the wittwest uWu doubts awe feaw; 
Whewe wittwe feaws gwow gweat, gweat wove gwows thewe. 
King. Faith, I must weave ^w^ thee, wove, and showtwy too; 
My opewant powews t-theiw f-functions weave to do. 
And thou shawt wive in this *looks at you* faiw wowwd behind, 
Honyouw'd, bewov'd, and hapwy onye as k-kind 
F-Fow h-husband shawt thou- 
Queen. O, confound the OwO west! 
*screams* Such wove must ;;w;; nyeeds be tweason in my bweast. 
When second h-husband wet me be accuwst! 
*cuddles you* Nyonye wed the second xDD but w-who kiwwed the fiwst. 

Ham. [aside] Wowmwood, wowmwood! 

Queen. The instances *sweats* that second mawwiage move 
Awe base wespects of thwift, xDD but nyonye of wove. 
A second time I kiww my h-husband dead 
When second h-husband kisses me in *twerks* bed. 
King. I do bewieve you think w-what n-nyow you speak; 
But w-what we do UwU detewminye oft we bweak. 
P-Puwpose is xDD but the swave to memowy, 
Of viowent biwth, xDD but poow vawidity; 
Which nyow, wike fwuit unwipe, sticks *teleports behind you* on the ^.^ twee, 
But fiww unshaken when they mewwow be. 
Most nyecessawy 'tis *sweats* that we fowget 
To p-pay ouwsewves w-what to ouwsewves is debt. 
What to ouwsewves in passion we pwopose, 
The passion ;;w;; ending, doth the puwpose wose. 
The viowence of ^w^ eithew g-gwief *blushes* ow joy 
T-Theiw own enyactuwes *pokes you* with themsewves destwoy. 
Whewe joy most wevews, g-gwief doth most wament; 
Gwief *cries* joys, joy *teleports behind you* gwieves, *teleports behind you* on swendew accident. 
This wowwd is nyot fow aye, n-nyow 'tis nyot stwange 
*teleports behind you* That even o-ouw woves shouwd *pokes you* with o-ouw *sighs* fowtunyes ;;w;; change; 
F-Fow 'tis a question >w< weft us yet to pwove, 
Whethew wove wead >w< fowtunye, *blushes* ow e-ewse fowtunye wove. 
The gweat man *giggles shyly* down, you mawk his favouwite f-fwies, 
The poow advanc'd makes fwiends of enyemies; 
And hithewto doth wove *teleports behind you* on fowtunye t-tend, 
F-Fow w-who nyot ;;w;; nyeeds shaww nyevew wack a f-fwiend, 
And w-who in want a howwow fwiend doth twy, 
Diwectwy seasons him his enyemy. 
But, owdewwy to end whewe I begun, 
Ouw w-wiwws and fates do so contwawy wun 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw devices stiww awe ovewthwown; 
Ouw *hugs tightly* thoughts awe ouws, t-theiw e-ends nyonye of o-ouw own. 
So think thou wiwt nyo second h-husband wed; 
But die t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts when t-thy f-fiwst *hugs tightly* wowd is dead. 
Queen. N-Nyow eawth to me give food, n-nyow heaven >w< wight, 
Spowt and wepose wock fwom me day and nyight, 
To despewation tuwn my twust and hope, 
*looks at you* An anchow's cheew in pwison be my *looks away* scope, 
Each opposite *sweats* that *moans* bwanks the *cuddles you* face of joy 
Meet w-what I ^.^ wouwd have weww, and *moans* it destwoy, 
^w^ Both x3 hewe and hence puwsue me wasting s-stwife, 
If, once a *moans* widow, *giggles shyly* evew I be wife! 

Ham. If she shouwd bweak *moans* it nyow! 

King. 'Tis deepwy swown. Sweet, weave me x3 hewe awhiwe. 
My spiwits gwow duww, and fain I ^.^ wouwd beguiwe 
The tedious day *pokes you* with s-sweep. 
Queen. *sighs* Sweep wock t-thy bwain, 
[He] sweeps. 
And nyevew come mischance between us twain! 
*sweats* Exit. 

Ham. Madam, how wike you this pway? 
Queen. The wady doth pwotest too *twerks* much, m-methinks. 
Ham. O, xDD but *hugs tightly* she'ww keep h-hew wowd. 
King. Have you h-heawd the awgument? *looks at you* Is thewe nyo offence in't? 
Ham. N-Nyo, nyo! They do xDD but jest, p-poison in *leans over* jest; nyo offence i-i' th' 
wowwd. 
King. What do you *giggles shyly* caww the pway? 
Ham. 'The Mousetwap.' Mawwy, how? T-Twopicawwy. This pway is the 
i-image of a muwthew donye in Viennya. Gonzago is the duke's nyame; 
his wife, B-Baptista. Y-You shaww see anyon. 'Tis a knyavish piece of 
wowk; xDD but w-what o' that? Youw Majesty, and we *sweats* that have fwee 
souws, *moans* it touches us nyot. Wet the gaww'd jade winch; o-ouw withews 
awe unwwung. 

Entew L-Wucianyus. 

This is onye Wucianyus, nyephew to the King. 
Oph. Y-You awe as good as a c-chowus, my l-wowd. 
Ham. I couwd i-intewpwet between you and youw wove, if I couwd see 
the puppets dawwying. 
Oph. Y-You awe keen, my wowd, you awe keen. 
Ham. It ^.^ wouwd cost you a gwoanying to take off my *cries* edge. 
Oph. Stiww *blushes* bettew, and wowse. 
Ham. So you must take youw h-husbands.- Begin, muwthewew. Pox, weave 
t-thy damnyabwe faces, and begin! Come, the cwoaking *giggles shyly* waven doth 
*giggles shyly* bewwow fow wevenge. 

Wuc. *cries* Thoughts bwack, h-hands apt, dwugs fit, and time agweeing; 
Confedewate season, e-ewse nyo cweatuwe seeing; 
*moans* Thou mixtuwe wank, of midnyight weeds cowwected, 
With H-Hecate's ban thwice bwasted, thwice ^.^ infected, 
Thy n-nyatuwaw magic and diwe pwopewty 
On whowesome wife usuwp immediatewy. 
Pouws the p-poison in his eaws. 

Ham. He p-poisons him i-i' th' gawden fow's estate. His n-nyame's Gonzago. 
The *leans over* stowy is *pokes you* extant, and wwitten in vewy choice Itawian. Y-You 
shaww see anyon how the muwthewew gets the wove of G-Gonzago's wife. 
Oph. The King r-wises. 
Ham. What, fwighted *pokes you* with f-fawse fiwe? 
Queen. H-How fawes my wowd? 
P-Pow. Give o'ew the pway. 
King. Give me *blushes* some wight! Away! 
Aww. Wights, l-wights, wights! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Hamwet and Howatio. 
Ham. W-Why, wet the s-stwucken deew go weep, 
The hawt ungawwed *sweats* pway; 
F-Fow *blushes* some must watch, whiwe *blushes* some must sweep: 
Thus wuns the wowwd a-away. 
Wouwd nyot t-this, siw, and a fowest of feathews- if the west of my 
*sighs* fowtunyes tuwn Tuwk *pokes you* with me-with xDD two P-Pwovinciaw >_< woses *teleports behind you* on my waz'd 
shoes, get me a fewwowship in a cwy of pwayews, s-siw? 
xDD How. OwO Hawf a shawe. 
Ham. A whowe onye I! 
F-Fow thou dost knyow, O Damon deaw, 
This ^.^ weawm OwO dismantwed was 
Of Jove himsewf; and n-nyow weigns x3 hewe 
A vewy, vewy- pajock. 
xDD How. Y-You might have :33 whym'd. 
Ham. O good Howatio, I'ww take the ghost's wowd fow a thousand 
pound! D-Didst pewceive? 
xDD How. Vewy weww, my l-wowd. 
Ham. ^-^ Upon the tawk of the poisonying? 
xDD How. I did vewy weww *pokes you* nyote him. 
Ham. Aha! Come, *blushes* some music! Come, the wecowdews! 
F-Fow if the King wike nyot the comedy, 
Why then, :3 bewike he wikes *moans* it nyot, pewdy. 
Come, *blushes* some music! 

Entew Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

Guiw. Good my wowd, v-vouchsafe me a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
Ham. Siw, a whowe histowy. 
Guiw. The King, siw- 
Ham. :33 Ay, siw, w-what of him? 
Guiw. *looks at you* Is in his wetiwement, mawvewwous ^-^ distempew'd. 
Ham. With dwink, s-siw? 
Guiw. N-Nyo, my wowd; wathew *pokes you* with chowew. 
Ham. Youw wisdom shouwd show i-itsewf mowe *cuddles you* wichew to s-signyify this to 
the doctow; fow me to p-put him to his puwgation ^.^ wouwd pewhaps 
pwunge him into faw mowe chowew. 
Guiw. Good my wowd, p-put youw d-discouwse into *blushes* some fwame, and stawt 
nyot so wiwdwy fwom my affaiw. 
Ham. I am t-tame, siw; pwonyounce. 
Guiw. The Queen, youw m-mothew, in most gweat uWu affwiction of spiwit 
hath OwO sent me to you. 
Ham. Y-You awe wewcome. 
Guiw. Nyay, good my wowd, this couwtesy is nyot of the wight bweed. 
If *moans* it shaww pwease you to make me a whowesome *hugs tightly* answew, I wiww do 
youw mothew's commandment; if nyot, youw pawdon and my r-wetuwn 
shaww be the end of my businyess. 
Ham. Siw, I cannyot. 
Guiw. What, my wowd? 
Ham. Make you a whowesome answew; my wit's diseas'd. But, siw, such 
*sighs* answew is I can m-make, you shaww ^.^ command; *blushes* ow wathew, as you say, 
my *looks at you* mothew. Thewefowe nyo mowe, xDD but to the mattew! My m-mothew, you 
say- 
R-Wos. T-Then t-thus she says: youw *screams* behaviouw hath stwuck h-hew into 
amazement and a-admiwation. 
Ham. O wondewfuw son, *sweats* that can so stonyish a mothew! But is thewe nyo 
sequew at the h-heews of this mothew's admiwation? ^.^ Impawt. 
R-Wos. She desiwes to speak *pokes you* with you in h-hew cwoset ewe you go to *twerks* bed. 
Ham. We shaww obey, wewe she ten times o-ouw *looks at you* mothew. Have you any 
*twerks* fuwthew twade *pokes you* with us? 
R-Wos. My wowd, you once did wove me. 
Ham. And do stiww, ^w^ by these pickews and steawews! 
R-Wos. Good my wowd, w-what is youw c-cause of distempew? Y-You do suwewy 
*giggles shyly* baw the doow upon youw own wibewty, if you deny youw gwiefs to 
youw fwiend. 
Ham. Siw, I wack advancement. 
R-Wos. H-How can *sweats* that be, when you have the *cuddles you* voice of the King himsewf 
fow youw succession in Denmawk? 
Ham. :33 Ay, siw, xDD but 'whiwe the gwass gwows'- the pwovewb is s-something 
musty. 

Entew the Pwayews *pokes you* with wecowdews. 

O, the wecowdews! Wet me see onye. To w-withdwaw *pokes you* with you- why do 
you go a-about to wecovew the *cuddles you* wind of me, as if you ^.^ wouwd dwive me 
into a t-toiw? 
Guiw. O my wowd, if my duty be too b-bowd, my wove is too unmannyewwy. 
Ham. I do nyot weww undewstand that. Wiww you pway upon this pipe? 
Guiw. My wowd, I cannyot. 
Ham. I pway you. 
Guiw. Bewieve me, I cannyot. 
Ham. I do beseech you. 
Guiw. I knyow, nyo touch of it, my l-wowd. 
Ham. It is as e-easy as l-wying. G-Govewn these *notices bulge* ventages *pokes you* with youw 
fingews and thumbs, give *moans* it >_< bweath *pokes you* with youw m-mouth, and *moans* it wiww 
d-discouwse most e-ewoquent music. Wook y-you, these awe the stops. 
Guiw. But these cannyot I command to any utt'wance of hawmony. I 
have nyot the skiww. 
Ham. W-Why, wook you nyow, how u-unwowthy a thing you make of me! Y-You 
^.^ wouwd pway upon me; you ^.^ wouwd seem to knyow my stops; you ^.^ wouwd 
pwuck out the heawt of my mystewy; you ^.^ wouwd s-sound me fwom my 
wowest *pokes you* nyote to the t-top of my c-compass; and thewe is much *screams* music, 
excewwent voice, in this wittwe owgan, yet cannyot you make *moans* it 
speak. 'Sbwood, do you think I am *twerks* easiew to be pway'd *teleports behind you* on than a 
pipe? Caww me w-what i-instwument you wiww, *sighs* though you can *hugs tightly* fwet me, 
you cannyot pway upon me. 

Entew Powonyius. 

OwO God bwess y-you, siw! 
P-Pow. My wowd, the Queen ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with y-you, and pwesentwy. 
Ham. Do you see y-yondew cwoud that's awmost in shape of a *pokes you* camew? 
P-Pow. By th' mass, and 'tis wike a c-camew indeed. 
Ham. Methinks *moans* it is wike a weasew. 
P-Pow. It is x3 back'd wike a weasew. 
Ham. Ow wike a whawe. 
P-Pow. Vewy wike a whawe. 
Ham. T-Then wiww I come to my mothew by-and-by.- They foow me to the 
t-top of my bent.- I wiww come >_> by-and-by. 
P-Pow. I wiww say so. *sweats* Exit. 
Ham. 'By-and-by' is easiwy said.- L-Weave me, xDD fwiends. 
[Exeunt aww xDD but Hamwet.] 
'Tis n-nyow the vewy witching time of nyight, 
When :33 chuwchyawds yawn, and heww i-itsewf bweathes out 
C-Contagion to this wowwd. >_> Nyow couwd I ^-^ dwink hot b-bwood 
And do such bittew businyess as the day 
Wouwd quake to wook on. Soft! n-nyow to my mothew! 
O h-heawt, wose nyot t-thy nyatuwe; wet nyot *giggles shyly* evew 
The souw of Nyewo entew this fiwm bosom. 
Wet me be cwuew, nyot unnyatuwaw; 
I wiww speak daggews to hew, xDD but use >_< nyonye. 
My t-tongue and souw in this be hypocwites- 
H-How in my wowds somevew she be shent, 
To give them seaws nyevew, my souw, consent! *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King, Wosencwantz, and Guiwdenstewn. 

King. I wike him nyot, n-nyow stands *moans* it safe *pokes you* with us 
To wet his madnyess wange. Thewefowe p-pwepawe you; 
I youw commission wiww fowthwith dispatch, 
And he to Engwand shaww awong *pokes you* with you. 
The tewms of o-ouw estate may nyot e-enduwe 
H-Hazawd so nyeaw us as doth houwwy gwow 
Out of his l-wunyacies. 
Guiw. We wiww ouwsewves pwovide. 
Most howy and *giggles shyly* wewigious feaw *moans* it is 
To keep those many many bodies safe 
*teleports behind you* That wive and feed upon youw Majesty. 
R-Wos. The s-singwe and pecuwiaw wife is bound 
With aww the stwength and awmouw of the mind 
To keep i-itsewf fwom nyoyance; xDD but much mowe 
*teleports behind you* That spiwit upon :33 whose weaw ^w^ depends and wests 
The wives of *shuffles closer* many. The cesse of majesty 
Dies nyot *sweats* awonye, xDD but wike a *blushes* guwf doth dwaw 
What's nyeaw *moans* it *pokes you* with it. It is a m-massy *leans over* wheew, 
Fix'd *teleports behind you* on the summit of the h-highest mount, 
To :33 whose huge spokes ten thousand wessew things 
Awe mowtis'd and *sighs* adjoin'd; which when *moans* it fawws, 
Each smaww annyexment, petty consequence, 
Attends the >w< boist'wous wuin. Nyevew awonye 
*sweats* Did the king sigh, xDD but *pokes you* with a *screams* genyewaw gwoan. 
King. A-Awm y-you, I pway y-you, to *twerks* th', speedy v-voyage; 
F-Fow we wiww *cuddles you* fettews p-put upon this feaw, 
Which n-nyow goes too f-fwee-footed. 
Both. We wiww haste us. 
UwU Exeunt Gentwemen. 

Entew Powonyius. 

P-Pow. My wowd, he's g-going to his mothew's c-cwoset. 
Behind the awwas I'ww convey m-mysewf 
To heaw the pwocess. I'ww wawwant *hugs tightly* she'ww UwU tax him home; 
And, as you ^-^ said, and wisewy was *moans* it ^-^ said, 
'Tis meet *sweats* that *blushes* some mowe audience than a m-mothew, 
Since nyatuwe makes them pawtiaw, shouwd o-o'ewheaw 
The speech, of vantage. Fawe you weww, my wiege. 
I'ww *giggles shyly* caww upon you ewe you go to b-bed 
And teww you w-what I knyow. 
King. >w< Thanks, deaw my l-wowd. 
Exit [Powonyius]. 
O, my offence is wank, *moans* it smewws to heaven; 
It hath the pwimaw *moans* ewdest cuwse upon't, 
A bwothew's m-muwthew! *twerks* Pway can I nyot, 
Though incwinyation be as shawp as wiww. 
My stwongew ^-^ guiwt defeats my stwong intent, 
And, wike a man to doubwe businyess bound, 
I *looks at you* stand in *sighs* pause whewe I shaww f-fiwst begin, 
And b-both nyegwect. What if this cuwsed h-hand 
Wewe thickew than i-itsewf *pokes you* with bwothew's b-bwood, 
*looks at you* Is thewe nyot wain enyough in the sweet *leans over* heavens 
To wash *moans* it *looks away* white as snyow? Wheweto sewves mewcy 
But to c-confwont the *shuffles closer* visage of x3 offence? 
And what's in pwayew xDD but this twofowd fowce, 
To be fowestawwed ewe we come to faww, 
Ow pawdon'd being down? T-Then I'ww wook up; 
My fauwt is past. But, O, w-what *sighs* fowm of pwayew 
C-Can sewve my tuwn? *teleports behind you* 'Fowgive me my f-fouw ;;w;; muwthew'? 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot be; s-since I am stiww possess'd 
Of those effects fow which I did the m-muwthew- 
My cwown, minye own ambition, and my queen. 
May onye be pawdon'd and wetain th' x3 offence? 
In the cowwupted cuwwents of this wowwd 
Offence's >_< giwded h-hand may shove ^w^ by j-justice, 
And oft 'tis :33 seen the wicked pwize i-itsewf 
Buys out the waw; xDD but 'tis nyot so above. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo shuffwing; thewe the action wies 
In his twue nyatuwe, and we ouwsewves compeww'd, 
Even to the teeth and fowehead of o-ouw fauwts, 
To give in e-evidence. What then? What wests? 
Twy w-what *giggles shyly* wepentance c-can. What can *moans* it nyot? 
Y-Yet w-what can *moans* it when onye cannyot wepent? 
O wwetched state! O bosom bwack as death! 
O wimed souw, that, stwuggwing to be fwee, 
Awt mowe engag'd! *leans over* Hewp, a-angews! Make assay. 
Bow, stubbown k-knyees; and heawt *pokes you* with stwings of steew, 
Be soft as sinyews of the nyew-bown babe! 
Aww may be weww. He knyeews. 

Entew *cuddles you* Hamwet. 

Ham. >_> Nyow might I do *moans* it pat, n-nyow he is pwaying; 
And n-nyow I'ww do't. And so he goes to heaven, 
And so am I weveng'd. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd be scann'd. 
A viwwain ^-^ kiwws my f-fathew; and fow that, 
I, his sowe son, do this same viwwain send 
To heaven. 
W-Why, this is hiwe and sawawy, nyot wevenge! 
He t-took my fathew gwosswy, fuww of bwead, 
With aww his cwimes b-bwoad bwown, as fwush as May; 
And how his audit stands, w-who *looks away* knyows uWu save heaven? 
But in o-ouw ciwcumstance and *blushes* couwse of thought, 
'Tis heavy *pokes you* with :3 him; and am I then weveng'd, 
To take him in the p-puwging of his souw, 
When he is fit and seasonyed fow his passage? 
Nyo. 
Up, swowd, and knyow thou a mowe howwid hent. 
When he is dwunk asweep; *blushes* ow in his r-wage; 
Ow in th' incestuous pweasuwe of his bed; 
At gaming, s-sweawing, *blushes* ow a-about *blushes* some act 
*teleports behind you* That has nyo wewish of *giggles shyly* sawvation in't- 
T-Then twip him, *sweats* that his h-heews may k-kick at heaven, 
And *sweats* that his souw may be as d-damn'd and bwack 
As heww, wheweto *moans* it goes. My mothew stays. 
This physic xDD but *teleports behind you* pwowongs t-thy sickwy days. *sweats* Exit. 
King. [wises] My wowds f-fwy up, my *hugs tightly* thoughts wemain bewow. 
W-Wowds without *hugs tightly* thoughts nyevew to heaven go. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
The *blushes* Queen's c-cwoset. 

Entew Queen and Powonyius. 

P-Pow. He wiww come stwaight. Wook you *looks at you* way h-home to him. 
Teww him his p-pwanks have been too b-bwoad to beaw w-with, 
And *sweats* that youw Gwace hath scween'd and stood between 
Much heat and him. I'ww siwence me even hewe. 
*twerks* Pway you be wound *pokes you* with him. 
Ham. (within) Mothew, m-mothew, mothew! 
Queen. I'ww wawwant you; feaw me nyot. Withdwaw; I heaw him coming. 
[Powonyius hides UwU behind the awwas.] 

Entew *cuddles you* Hamwet. 

Ham. Nyow, m-mothew, what's the m-mattew? 
Queen. Hamwet, thou hast t-thy fathew much offended. 
Ham. Mothew, you have my fathew much offended. 
Queen. Come, come, you *sighs* answew *pokes you* with an idwe tongue. 
Ham. Go, *screams* go, you question *pokes you* with a wicked tongue. 
Queen. W-Why, how nyow, Hamwet? 
Ham. What's the mattew nyow? 
Queen. Have you fowgot me? 
Ham. N-Nyo, ^w^ by the r-wood, nyot so! 
Y-You awe the Queen, youw husband's bwothew's wife, 
And (wouwd *moans* it wewe nyot so!) you awe my *looks at you* mothew. 
Queen. Nyay, then I'ww set those to you *sweats* that can speak. 
Ham. Come, come, and sit you :33 down. Y-You shaww nyot budge I 
Y-You go nyot tiww I set you up a gwass 
Whewe you may see the inmost *cries* pawt of you. 
Queen. What wiwt thou do? *moans* Thou wiwt nyot muwthew me? 
*leans over* Hewp, hewp, ho! 
P-Pow. [behind] What, ho! hewp, hewp, hewp! 
Ham. [dwaws] H-How nyow? a wat? Dead fow a ducat, dead! 
[Makes a pass uWu thwough the awwas and] ^-^ kiwws Powonyius. 
P-Pow. [behind] O, I am swain! 
Queen. O me, w-what hast thou donye? 
Ham. Nyay, I knyow nyot. *looks at you* Is *moans* it the King? 
Queen. O, w-what a r-wash and bwoody deed is this! 
Ham. A bwoody deed- awmost as bad, good m-mothew, 
As kiww a king, and mawwy *pokes you* with his bwothew. 
Queen. As kiww a king? 
Ham. :33 Ay, wady, *moans* it was my wowd. 
[Wifts up the awwas and sees Powonyius.] 
*moans* Thou wwetched, r-wash, intwuding foow, faweweww! 
I t-took thee fow t-thy bettew. Take t-thy OwO fowtunye. 
*moans* Thou find'st to be too busy is *blushes* some d-dangew. 
L-Weave *shuffles closer* wwinging of youw hinds. Peace! sit you down 
And wet me wwing youw heawt; fow so I shaww 
If *moans* it be made of penyetwabwe stuff; 
If d-damnyed custom have nyot bwaz'd *moans* it so 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it is *giggles shyly* pwoof and buwwawk against sense. 
Queen. What have I donye *sweats* that thou daw'st wag t-thy t-tongue 
In nyoise so ^w^ wude against me? 
Ham. *screams* Such an act 
*teleports behind you* That *blushes* bwuws the gwace and bwush of modesty; 
Cawws *hugs tightly* viwtue hypocwite; takes off the wose 
Fwom the *looks at you* faiw fowehead of an *blushes* innyocent wove, 
And sets a bwistew t-thewe; makes mawwiage vows 
As f-fawse as d-dicews' oaths. O, such a deed 
As fwom the body of contwaction pwucks 
The vewy souw, and sweet *notices bulge* wewigion makes 
A r-whapsody of wowds! Heaven's *cuddles you* face doth gwow; 
Yea, this sowidity and compound mass, 
With twistfuw v-visage, as against the doom, 
*looks at you* Is thought-sick at the act. 
Queen. *looks at you* Ay me, w-what act, 
*teleports behind you* That woaws so woud and thundews in the index? 
Ham. Wook x3 hewe upon th's pictuwe, and *teleports behind you* on t-this, 
The countewfeit *blushes* pwesentment of xDD two bwothews. 
See w-what a gwace was seated *teleports behind you* on this bwow; 
Hypewion's *giggles shyly* cuwws; the fwont of Jove himsewf; 
*looks at you* An eye wike Maws, to *looks away* thweaten and ^.^ command; 
A station wike the *leans over* hewawd Mewcuwy 
Nyew wighted *teleports behind you* on a heaven-kissing h-hiww: 
A combinyation and a *sighs* fowm indeed 
Whewe evewy *cries* god did seem to set his s-seaw 
To give the wowwd *sweats* assuwance of a *pokes you* man. 
This was youw husband. Wook you n-nyow w-what fowwows. 
Hewe is youw husband, wike a miwdew'd eaw 
Bwasting his whowesome bwothew. Have you uWu eyes? 
*shuffles closer* Couwd you *teleports behind you* on this *looks at you* faiw mountain weave to feed, 
And batten *teleports behind you* on this moow? Ha! have you eyes 
Y-You cannyot *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it wove; fow at youw age 
The heyday in the b-bwood is t-tame, *leans over* it's *pokes you* humbwe, 
And w-waits upon the judgment; and w-what judgment 
Wouwd step fwom this to *sweats* this? >_> Sense suwe you h-have, 
Ewse couwd you nyot have motion; xDD but suwe *sweats* that sense 
*looks at you* Is apopwex'd; fow madnyess ^.^ wouwd nyot e-eww, 
N-Nyow sense to ecstacy was nye'ew so thwaww'd 
But *moans* it wesewv'd *blushes* some q-quantity of choice 
To sewve in such a diffewence. What deviw was't 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus hath cozen'd you at *blushes* hoodman-bwind? 
Eyes without feewing, f-feewing without sight, 
Eaws without h-hands *blushes* ow e-eyes, smewwing sans a-aww, 
Ow xDD but a sickwy *cries* pawt of onye twue sense 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot so mope. 
O ^-^ shame! whewe is t-thy bwush? Webewwious heww, 
If thou ;;w;; canst mutinye in a *pokes you* matwon's b-bonyes, 
To ;;w;; fwaming youth wet *hugs tightly* viwtue be as wax 
And mewt in h-hew own fiwe. Pwocwaim nyo shame 
When the compuwsive x3 awdouw gives the chawge, 
Since fwost i-itsewf as activewy doth buwn, 
And weason p-pandews wiww. 
Queen. O Hamwet, speak nyo mowe! 
*moans* Thou tuwn'st minye eyes into my vewy souw, 
And thewe I see such bwack and gwainyed spots 
As wiww nyot weave t-theiw tinct. 
Ham. Nyay, xDD but to wive 
In the wank sweat of an enseamed bed, 
*twerks* Stew'd in cowwuption, *teleports behind you* honyeying and making wove 
;;w;; Ovew the n-nyasty sty! 
Queen. O, speak to me nyo mowe! 
These wowds wike daggews entew in minye eaws. 
Nyo mowe, sweet Hamwet! 
Ham. A muwthewew and a viwwain! 
A swave *sweats* that is nyot twentieth *cries* pawt the t-tithe 
Of youw pwecedent wowd; a vice of k-kings; 
A cutpuwse of the uWu empiwe and the wuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom a s-shewf the p-pwecious diadem s-stowe 
And p-put *moans* it in his pocket! 
Queen. Nyo mowe! 

Entew the Ghost in his n-nyightgown. 

Ham. A king of shweds and patches!- 
Save me and hovew o'ew me *pokes you* with youw wings, 
Y-You heavenwy guawds! What ^.^ wouwd youw g-gwacious figuwe? 
Queen. A-Awas, he's mad! 
Ham. Do you nyot come youw tawdy son to chide, 
That, *looks away* waps'd in time and passion, wets go ^w^ by 
Th' impowtant acting of youw xDD dwead command? 
O, say! 
Ghost. Do nyot *cuddles you* fowget. This visitation 
*looks at you* Is xDD but to *notices bulge* whet t-thy awmost bwunted ^.^ puwpose. 
But wook, amazement *teleports behind you* on t-thy mothew sits. 
O, step between h-hew and h-hew fighting souw 
C-Conceit in weakest bodies stwongest wowks. 
Speak to hew, *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Ham. H-How is *moans* it *pokes you* with y-you, wady? 
Queen. A-Awas, how is't *pokes you* with y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That you do *looks away* bend youw eye *teleports behind you* on ^.^ vacancy, 
And *pokes you* with th' encowpowaw a-aiw do howd discouwse? 
>_< Fowth at youw eyes youw spiwits wiwdwy peep; 
And, as the sweeping sowdiews in th' awawm, 
Youw bedded h-haiws, wike wife in excwements, 
*hugs tightly* Stawt up and *looks at you* stand an end. O g-gentwe son, 
^-^ Upon the beat and *pokes you* fwame of t-thy d-distempew 
Spwinkwe coow *looks away* patience! W-Wheweon do you wook? 
Ham. On him, *teleports behind you* on him! Wook you how pawe he gwawes! 
His *sighs* fowm and c-cause conjoin'd, pweaching to stonyes, 
Wouwd make them *moans* capabwe.- Do nyot wook upon me, 
West *pokes you* with this p-piteous action you convewt 
My stewn effects. T-Then w-what I have to do 
Wiww want twue >w< cowouw- teaws pewchance fow bwood. 
Queen. To whom do you speak *sweats* this? 
Ham. Do you see nyothing thewe? 
Queen. Nyothing at aww; yet aww *sweats* that is I see. 
Ham. N-Nyow did you nyothing heaw? 
Queen. N-Nyo, nyothing xDD but ouwsewves. 
Ham. W-Why, wook you thewe! Wook how *moans* it steaws *shuffles closer* away! 
My fathew, in his habit as he wiv'd! 
Wook whewe he goes even n-nyow out at the powtaw! 
Exit Ghost. 
Queen. This is the vewy coinyage of youw bwain. 
This bodiwess cweation ecstasy 
*looks at you* Is vewy cunnying i-in. 
Ham. Ecstasy? 
My puwse as youws doth t-tempewatewy keep time 
And makes as heawthfuw music. It is nyot madnyess 
*teleports behind you* That I have utt'wed. Bwing me to the test, 
And I the mattew wiww wewowd; which madnyess 
Wouwd g-gambow >_< fwom. Mothew, fow wove of gwace, 
L-Way nyot *sweats* that *cuddles you* fwattewing unction to youw souw 
*teleports behind you* That nyot youw *sighs* twespass xDD but my madnyess s-speaks. 
It wiww xDD but s-skin and fiwm the uwcewous pwace, 
Whiwes wank cowwuption, minying aww within, 
Infects unseen. Confess youwsewf to heaven; 
Wepent what's past; avoid w-what is to come; 
And do nyot spwead the compost *teleports behind you* on the weeds 
To make them wankew. Fowgive me this my viwtue; 
F-Fow in the fatnyess of these puwsy times 
V-Viwtue i-itsewf of vice must pawdon beg- 
Yea, c-cuwb and woo fow weave to do him good. 
Queen. O Hamwet, thou hast c-cweft my heawt in *leans over* twain. 
Ham. O, thwow away the wowsew *cries* pawt of it, 
And wive the puwew *pokes you* with the othew h-hawf, 
Good :3 nyight- xDD but go nyot to my uncwe's *twerks* bed. 
Assume a viwtue, if you have *moans* it nyot. 
*teleports behind you* That monstew, custom, w-who aww sense doth *cries* eat 
Of habits eviw, is a-angew yet in t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That to the use of a-actions *looks at you* faiw and good 
He *sweats* wikewise gives a *sweats* fwock *blushes* ow wivewy, 
*teleports behind you* That aptwy is p-put on. :3 Wefwain to-nyight, 
And *sweats* that shaww UwU wend a k-kind of *pokes you* easinyess 
To the nyext abstinyence; the nyext mowe easy; 
F-Fow use awmost can change the stamp of nyatuwe, 
And ^w^ eithew [mastew] the deviw, *blushes* ow thwow him out 
With *cuddles you* wondwous potency. O-Once mowe, good nyight; 
And when you awe *screams* desiwous to be bwest, 
I'ww bwessing beg of you.- F-Fow this same wowd, 
I do wepent; xDD but heaven hath pweas'd *moans* it so, 
To p-punyish me *pokes you* with t-this, and this *pokes you* with me, 
*teleports behind you* That I must be t-theiw s-scouwge and ^-^ minyistew. 
I wiww bestow him, and wiww *sighs* answew weww 
The death I gave him. So again, good nyight. 
I must be cwuew, onwy to be k-kind; 
Thus UwU bad begins, and wowse >_> wemains *blushes* behind. 
Onye wowd mowe, good wady. 
Queen. What shaww I do? 
Ham. Nyot t-this, ^w^ by nyo UwU means, *sweats* that I bid you do: 
Wet the *twerks* bwoat King tempt you ;;w;; again to bed; 
Pinch wanton *teleports behind you* on youw cheek; *giggles shyly* caww you his mouse; 
And wet him, fow a paiw of weechy kisses, 
Ow paddwing in youw nyeck *pokes you* with his d-damn'd *shuffles closer* fingews, 
Make you to wavew aww this mattew *pokes you* out, 
*teleports behind you* That I essentiawwy am nyot in madnyess, 
But mad in cwaft. 'Twewe good you wet him knyow; 
F-Fow w-who that's xDD but a queen, uWu faiw, sobew, wise, 
Wouwd fwom a *screams* paddock, fwom a bat, a *looks at you* gib 
*screams* Such deaw *giggles shyly* concewnyings hide? Who ^.^ wouwd do *moans* so? 
N-Nyo, in despite of sense and secwecy, 
U-Unpeg the ;;w;; basket *teleports behind you* on the house's top, 
Wet the *sighs* biwds fwy, and wike the famous :3 ape, 
To t-twy concwusions, in the ;;w;; basket cweep 
And bweak youw own nyeck :33 down. 
Queen. Be thou assuw'd, if wowds be made of bweath, 
And >_< bweath of l-wife, I have nyo wife to bweathe 
What thou hast s-said to me. 
Ham. I must to E-Engwand; you knyow that? 
Queen. Awack, 
I h-had fowgot! 'Tis so concwuded on. 
Ham. >_> Thewe's wettews seaw'd; and my xDD two schoowfewwows, 
Whom I wiww twust as I wiww addews fang'd, 
They beaw the mandate; they must sweep my way 
And mawshaw me to knyavewy. Wet *moans* it wowk; 
F-Fow 'tis the spowt to have the enginyew 
H-Hoist *pokes you* with his own petaw; and 't shaww go hawd 
But I wiww dewve onye yawd bewow t-theiw minyes 
And bwow them at the moon. O, 'tis most sweet 
When in onye xDD winye xDD two cwafts diwectwy meet. 
This man shaww set me *sweats* packing. 
I'ww wug the guts into the *screams* nyeighbouw woom.- 
Mothew, good *hugs tightly* nyight.- I-Indeed, this counsewwow 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow most stiww, most secwet, and most gwave, 
Who was in wife a foowish peating knyave. 
Come, siw, to dwaw towawd an end *pokes you* with you. 
Good nyight, *looks at you* mothew. 
[Exit the Queen. *twerks* Then] Exit Hamwet, tugging in 
Powonyius. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT IV. >w< Scenye I. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King and Queen, *pokes you* with Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

King. >_> Thewe's mattew in these sighs. These p-pwofound heaves 
Y-You must twanswate; 'tis fit we undewstand them. 
Whewe is youw son? 
Queen. Bestow this pwace *teleports behind you* on us a wittwe whiwe. 
[Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn.] 
Ah, minye own wowd, w-what have I :33 seen to-nyight! 
King. What, Gewtwude? H-How does Hamwet? 
Queen. *hugs tightly* Mad as the *notices bulge* sea and *cuddles you* wind when b-both contend 
Which is the mightiew. In his *hugs tightly* wawwess fit 
Behind the awwas heawing s-something stiw, 
W-Whips out his wapiew, *hugs tightly* cwies 'A wat, a wat!' 
And in this bwainyish appwehension ^-^ kiwws 
The unseen good owd *pokes you* man. 
King. O heavy deed! 
It h-had been so *pokes you* with us, h-had we been thewe. 
His wibewty is fuww of t-thweats to aww- 
To you youwsewf, to us, to evewy onye. 
A-Awas, how shaww this bwoody deed be ^.^ answew'd? 
It wiww be waid to us, :33 whose pwovidence 
Shouwd have kept showt, westwain'd, and out of haunt 
This mad young *pokes you* man. But so much was o-ouw wove 
We ^.^ wouwd nyot undewstand w-what was most fit, 
But, wike the o-ownyew of a f-fouw disease, 
To keep *moans* it fwom uWu divuwging, wet *moans* it feed 
Even *teleports behind you* on the pith of wife. Whewe is he gonye? 
Queen. To dwaw apawt the body he hath kiww'd; 
O'ew whom his vewy madnyess, wike *blushes* some owe 
Among a minyewaw of m-metaws base, 
Shows i-itsewf puwe. He w-weeps fow w-what is donye. 
King. O Gewtwude, come *shuffles closer* away! 
The *moans* sun nyo soonyew shaww the *looks away* mountains touch 
But we wiww ship him hence; and this viwe deed 
We must *pokes you* with aww o-ouw majesty and skiww 
^w^ Both countenyance and excuse. Ho, Guiwdenstewn! 

Entew Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

Fwiends both, go join you *pokes you* with *blushes* some *twerks* fuwthew aid. 
Hamwet in madnyess hath *notices bulge* Powonyius swain, 
And fwom his mothew's cwoset hath he d-dwagg'd him. 
Go seek him out; speak uWu faiw, and b-bwing the body 
Into the chapew. I pway you haste in this. 
UwU Exeunt [-[Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn]. 
Come, Gewtwude, we'ww *giggles shyly* caww up o-ouw wisest fwiends 
And wet them knyow b-both w-what we *looks at you* mean to do 
And what's *leans over* untimewy donye. [-[So hapwy *leans over* swandew-] 
Whose whispew o'ew the wowwd's diametew, 
As wevew as the cannyon to his bwank, 
Twanspowts his poisonyed shot- may miss o-ouw nyame 
And hit the woundwess aiw.- O, come *shuffles closer* away! 
My souw is fuww of discowd and dismay. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A passage in the Castwe. 

Entew *cuddles you* Hamwet. 

Ham. Safewy *cries* stow'd. 
Gentwemen. (within) Hamwet! Wowd Hamwet! 
Ham. But soft! What nyoise? Who cawws *teleports behind you* on Hamwet? O, x3 hewe they come. 

Entew Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn. 

R-Wos. What have you donye, my wowd, *pokes you* with the dead body? 
Ham. Compounded *moans* it *pokes you* with dust, wheweto 'tis k-kin. 
R-Wos. Teww us whewe *cuddles you* 'tis, *sweats* that we may take *moans* it thence 
And beaw *moans* it to the chapew. 
Ham. Do nyot bewieve it. 
R-Wos. Bewieve *cuddles you* what? 
Ham. *teleports behind you* That I can keep youw counsew, and nyot minye own. Besides, to be 
demanded of a sponge, w-what wepwication shouwd be made ^w^ by the son 
of a king? 
R-Wos. Take you me fow a sponge, my wowd? 
Ham. :33 Ay, siw; *sweats* that *leans over* soaks up the K-King's countenyance, his wewawds, 
his authowities. But such *looks at you* officews do the King best sewvice in 
the end. He keeps them, wike an :3 ape, in the cownyew of his jaw; 
f-fiwst m-mouth'd, to be wast S-Swawwowed. When he ;;w;; nyeeds w-what you have 
gwean'd, *moans* it is xDD but squeezing you and, sponge, you shaww be dwy 
again. 
R-Wos. I undewstand you nyot, my l-wowd. 
Ham. I am gwad of it. A knyavish speech sweeps in a foowish eaw. 
R-Wos. My wowd, you must teww us whewe the body is and go *pokes you* with us to 
the King. 
Ham. The body is *pokes you* with the King, xDD but the King is nyot *pokes you* with the body. 
The King is a *twerks* thing- 
Guiw. A thing, my wowd? 
Ham. Of n-nyothing. Bwing me to him. Hide *teleports behind you* fox, and aww aftew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King. 

King. I have OwO sent to seek him and to find the body. 
H-How d-dangewous is *moans* it *sweats* that this man goes woose! 
Y-Yet must nyot we p-put the stwong waw *teleports behind you* on him. 
He's *notices bulge* wov'd of the distwacted *notices bulge* muwtitude, 
Who wike nyot in t-theiw judgment, xDD but t-theiw eyes; 
And whewe 'tis so, th' offendew's s-scouwge is weigh'd, 
But nyevew the o-offence. To beaw aww smooth and even, 
This sudden sending him away must seem 
Dewibewate pause. Diseases despewate g-gwown 
By despewate appwiance awe wewiev'd, 
Ow nyot at aww. 

Entew R-Wosencwantz. 

H-How n-nyow O What hath befaww'n? 
R-Wos. Whewe the dead body is bestow'd, my wowd, 
We cannyot get fwom him. 
King. But whewe is *sighs* he? 
R-Wos. *giggles shyly* Without, my wowd; g-guawded, to knyow youw pweasuwe. 
King. Bwing him befowe us. 
R-Wos. Ho, Guiwdenstewn! Bwing in my l-wowd. 

Entew Hamwet and Guiwdenstewn [with Attendants]. 

King. Nyow, Hamwet, whewe's Powonyius? 
Ham. At suppew. 
King. At suppew? *notices bulge* Whewe? 
Ham. Nyot whewe he eats, xDD but whewe he is eaten. A cewtain 
convocation of powitic w-wowms awe e'en at him. Youw *hugs tightly* wowm is youw 
onwy e-empewow fow diet. We fat aww cweatuwes e-ewse to fat us, and 
we fat ouwsewves fow *leans over* maggots. Youw fat king and youw wean beggaw 
is xDD but v-vawiabwe sewvice- xDD two d-dishes, xDD but to onye tabwe. That's the 
end. 
King. A-Awas, awas! 
Ham. A man may f-fish *pokes you* with the *hugs tightly* wowm *sweats* that hath *cries* eat of a king, and *cries* eat 
of the f-fish *sweats* that hath fed of *sweats* that wowm. 
King. What dost thou *looks at you* mean ^w^ by *sweats* this? 
Ham. Nyothing xDD but to show you how a king may go a pwogwess uWu thwough 
the guts of a beggaw. 
King. Whewe is Powonyius? 
Ham. In heaven. xDD Send thithew to see. If youw m-messengew find him nyot 
thewe, seek him i-i' th' othew pwace youwsewf. But indeed, if you 
find him nyot within this month, you shaww nyose him as you go up 
the :3 staiw, into the wobby. 
King. Go seek him thewe. [To A-Attendants.] 
Ham. He wiww >_< stay tiww you come. 
[Exeunt A-Attendants.] 
King. Hamwet, this deed, fow thinye especiaw >_< safety,- 
Which we do tendew as we deawwy gwieve 
F-Fow *sweats* that which thou hast donye,- must send thee hence 
With f-fiewy q-quicknyess. Thewefowe p-pwepawe thysewf. 
The bawk is r-weady and the *cuddles you* wind at hewp, 
Th' *sweats* associates t-tend, and evewything is bent 
F-Fow Engwand. 
Ham. F-Fow Engwand? 
King. :33 Ay, *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Ham. Good. 
King. So is it, if thou knyew'st o-ouw puwposes. 
Ham. I see a chewub *sweats* that sees them. But come, fow Engwand! 
Faweweww, deaw *looks at you* mothew. 
King. Thy ^.^ woving fathew, *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Ham. My mothew! *notices bulge* Fathew and mothew is man and wife; man and wife is 
onye :3 fwesh; and so, my *looks at you* mothew. Come, fow Engwand! 
*sweats* Exit. 
King. Fowwow him at f-foot; tempt him *pokes you* with speed aboawd. 
D-Deway *moans* it nyot; I'ww have him hence to-nyight. 
Away! fow evewything is seaw'd and donye 
*teleports behind you* That e-ewse weans *teleports behind you* on th' affaiw. *twerks* Pway you make haste. 
UwU Exeunt Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn] 
And, Engwand, if my wove thou howd'st at aught,- 
As my gweat *cries* powew *hugs tightly* theweof may give thee sense, 
Since yet t-thy cicatwice wooks r-waw and wed 
Aftew the Danyish swowd, and t-thy fwee a-awe 
Pays homage to us,- thou m-mayst nyot c-cowdwy set 
Ouw soveweign pwocess, which impowts at fuww, 
By wettews congwuing to *sweats* that effect, 
The ^.^ pwesent death of *cuddles you* Hamwet. Do it, E-Engwand; 
F-Fow wike the hectic in my b-bwood he wages, 
And thou must *notices bulge* cuwe me. Tiww I knyow 'tis donye, 
Howe'ew my UwU haps, my j-joys wewe nye'ew begun. *sweats* Exit. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



>w< Scenye IV. 
Nyeaw *looks away* Ewsinyowe. 

Entew Fowtinbwas *pokes you* with his Awmy ovew the *leans over* stage. 

F-Fow. Go, *pokes you* Captain, fwom me ^-^ gweet the Danyish king. 
Teww him *sweats* that ^w^ by his wicense Fowtinbwas 
Cwaves the conveyance of a pwomis'd mawch 
;;w;; Ovew his *sweats* kingdom. Y-You knyow the wendezvous. 
if *sweats* that his Majesty ^.^ wouwd a-aught *pokes you* with us, 
We shaww e-expwess o-ouw duty in his *looks away* eye; 
And wet him knyow so. 
Capt. I wiww do't, my l-wowd. 
F-Fow. Go softwy on. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but the Captain]. 

Entew Hamwet, Wosencwantz, *moans* [Guiwdenstewn,] and o-othews. 

Ham. Good siw, :33 whose powews awe these? 
Capt. They awe of Nyowway, siw. 
Ham. H-How puwpos'd, siw, I pway you? 
Capt. Against *blushes* some *cries* pawt of Powand. 
Ham. Who commands them, s-siw? 
Capt. The nyephew to owd Nyowway, Fowtinbwas. 
Ham. Goes *moans* it against the *cries* main of Powand, siw, 
Ow fow *blushes* some fwontiew? 
Capt. Twuwy to speak, and *pokes you* with nyo OwO addition, 
We go to gain a wittwe patch of gwound 
*teleports behind you* That hath in *moans* it nyo pwofit xDD but the nyame. 
To p-pay five ducats, f-five, I ^.^ wouwd nyot OwO fawm it; 
N-Nyow wiww *moans* it y-yiewd to Nyowway *blushes* ow the Powe 
A wankew wate, shouwd *moans* it be sowd in fee. 
Ham. W-Why, then the Powack nyevew wiww defend it. 
Capt. Yes, *moans* it is awweady gawwison'd. 
Ham. Two thousand s-souws and twenty thousand ducats 
Wiww nyot debate the question of this stwaw. 
This is th' imposthume of much *giggles shyly* weawth and peace, 
*teleports behind you* That i-inwawd bweaks, and shows nyo c-cause without 
Why the man dies.- I humbwy t-thank y-you, siw. 
Capt. OwO God b' wi' y-you, siw. [Exit.] 
R-Wos. Wiww't pwease you *screams* go, my wowd? 
Ham. I'ww be *pokes you* with you stwaight. Go a wittwe befowe. 
[Exeunt aww xDD but Hamwet.] 
H-How aww occasions do *cries* infowm against me 
And spuw my duww wevenge! What is a m-man, 
If his c-chief good and mawket of his time 
Be xDD but to sweep and feed? A beast, nyo mowe. 
Suwe he *sweats* that made us *pokes you* with such l-wawge discouwse, 
Wooking befowe and aftew, gave us nyot 
*teleports behind you* That *notices bulge* capabiwity and g-godwike weason 
To fust in us unyus'd. Nyow, whethew *moans* it be 
Bestiaw obwivion, *blushes* ow *blushes* some cwaven scwupwe 
Of thinking too pwecisewy *teleports behind you* on th' *hugs tightly* event,- 
A thought which, quawtew'd, hath xDD but onye *cries* pawt wisdom 
And *giggles shyly* evew thwee *hugs tightly* pawts cowawd,- I do nyot knyow 
Why yet I wive to say 'This *looks away* thing's to do,' 
Sith I have x3 cause, and wiww, and stwength, and means 
To do't. Exampwes gwoss as eawth exhowt me. 
Witnyess this awmy of such mass and chawge, 
L-Wed ^w^ by a dewicate and tendew pwince, 
Whose spiwit, *pokes you* with d-divinye *giggles shyly* ambition puff'd, 
Makes *hugs tightly* mouths at the invisibwe event, 
Exposing w-what is mowtaw and unsuwe 
To aww *sweats* that >w< fowtunye, death, and d-dangew OwO dawe, 
Even fow an eggsheww. Wightwy to be gweat 
*looks at you* Is nyot to s-stiw without gweat awgument, 
But gweatwy to find quawwew in a stwaw 
When h-honyouw's at the stake. H-How *looks at you* stand I then, 
*teleports behind you* That have a fathew kwww'd, a mothew *cries* stain'd, 
Excitements of my weason and my b-bwood, 
And wet aww sweep, whiwe to my shame I see 
The imminyent death of twenty thousand men 
*teleports behind you* That fow a fantasy and t-twick of fame 
Go to t-theiw gwaves wike beds, fight fow a pwot 
W-Wheweon the uWu nyumbews cannyot t-twy the x3 cause, 
Which is nyot tomb enyough and continyent 
To hide the *notices bulge* swain? O, fwom this time fowth, 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts be bwoody, *blushes* ow be nyothing wowth! *sweats* Exit. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A woom in the Castwe. 

Entew Howatio, Queen, and a Gentweman. 

Queen. I wiww nyot speak *pokes you* with hew. 
G-Gent. She is impowtunyate, indeed distwact. 
Hew mood wiww ;;w;; nyeeds be pitied. 
Queen. What ^.^ wouwd she have? 
G-Gent. She speaks much of h-hew f-fathew; says she heaws 
>_> Thewe's twicks i-i' th' wowwd, and *cuddles you* hems, and beats h-hew heawt; 
Spuwns enviouswy at stwaws; speaks things in doubt, 
*teleports behind you* That cawwy xDD but h-hawf sense. Hew speech is nyothing, 
Y-Yet the *notices bulge* unshaped use of *moans* it doth move 
The heawews to cowwection; they aim at it, 
And b-botch the wowds up fit to t-theiw own thoughts; 
Which, as h-hew winks and nyods and gestuwes y-yiewd them, 
Indeed ^.^ wouwd make onye think thewe might be thought, 
Though nyothing suwe, yet much uWu unhappiwy. 
xDD How. 'Twewe good she wewe spoken with; fow she may stwew 
Dangewous conjectuwes in iww-bweeding minds. 
Queen. Wet h-hew come i-in. 
[Exit Gentweman.] 
OwO [Aside] To my sick souw (as sin's twue nyatuwe is) 
Each toy seems Pwowogue to *blushes* some gweat amiss. 
So fuww of a-awtwess j-jeawousy is ^-^ guiwt 
It s-spiwws i-itsewf in *sweats* feawing to be spiwt. 

Entew Ophewia distwacted. 

Oph. Whewe is the beauteous Majesty of Denmawk? 
Queen. H-How nyow, Ophewia? 
Oph. (sings) 
H-How shouwd I youw *shuffles closer* twue-wove knyow 
Fwom anyothew onye? 
By his cockwe bat and' staff 
And his sandaw shoon. 

Queen. A-Awas, sweet wady, w-what impowts this song? 
Oph. Say you? Nyay, pway Y-You mawk. 

(Sings) He is dead and :3 gonye, wady, 
He is dead and gonye; 
At his *sweats* head a gwass-gween tuwf, 
At his h-heews a stonye. 

O, ho! 
Queen. Nyay, xDD but Ophewia- 
Oph. *twerks* Pway you mawk. 

(Sings) White his shwoud as the mountain snyow- 

Entew King. 

Queen. A-Awas, wook hewe, my wowd! 
Oph. (Sings) 
L-Wawded aww *pokes you* with sweet fwowews; 
Which bewept to the gwave did nyot go 
With *shuffles closer* twue-wove showews. 

King. H-How do y-you, pwetty wady? 
Oph. *sighs* Weww, OwO God UwU diwd y-you! They say the oww was a bakew's daughtew. 
Wowd, we knyow w-what we awe, xDD but knyow nyot w-what we may be. OwO God be at 
youw >w< tabwe! 
King. C-Conceit upon h-hew fathew. 
Oph. *twerks* Pway wet's have nyo wowds of this; xDD but when they ask, you w-what 
*moans* it UwU means, say you this: 

(Sings) To-mowwow is Saint Vawentinye's day, 
Aww in the mownying bedtime, 
And I a maid at youw w-window, 
To be youw Vawentinye. 

T-Then up he wose and :33 donn'd his cwo'es 
And dupp'd the chambew doow, 
Wet in the maid, *sweats* that out a maid 
Nyevew depawted mowe. 

King. Pwetty *cuddles you* Ophewia! 
Oph. I-Indeed, l-wa, without an oath, I'ww make an end *looks at you* on't! 

[Sings] By Gis and ^w^ by Saint Chawity, 
Awack, and fie fow ^-^ shame! 
Young men wiww d-do't if they come to't 
By C-Cock, they awe to b-bwame. 

Quoth she, *moans* 'Befowe you tumbwed me, 
Y-You pwomis'd me to wed.' 

He *giggles shyly* answews: 

'So ^.^ wouwd I 'a' donye, ^w^ by y-yondew sun, 
*looks at you* An thou hadst nyot come to my bed.' 

King. H-How wong hath she been t-thus? 
Oph. I hope aww wiww be weww. We must be patient; xDD but I cannyot 
c-choose xDD but weep to think they ^.^ wouwd *looks at you* way him i-i' th' cowd gwound. 
My b-bwothew shaww knyow of it; and so I t-thank you fow youw good 
counsew. Come, my c-coach! Good nyight, wadies. Good nyight, sweet 
wadies. Good nyight, good nyight. Exit 
King. Fowwow h-hew cwose; give h-hew good watch, I pway you. 
[Exit *hugs tightly* Howatio.] 
O, this is the p-poison of deep gwief; *moans* it spwings 
Aww fwom h-hew fathew's death. O Gewtwude, Gewtwude, 
When sowwows come, they come nyot s-singwe *blushes* spies. 
But in battawions! Fiwst, h-hew fathew s-swain; 
Nyext, Youw son :3 gonye, and he most viowent authow 
Of his own *shuffles closer* just wemove; the peopwe muddied, 
Thick and and unwhowesome in t-theiw *hugs tightly* thoughts and whispews 
F-Fow good Powonyius' death, and we have donye xDD but gweenwy 
In huggew-muggew to intew :3 him; Poow Ophewia 
Divided fwom hewsewf and h-hew faiw-judgment, 
Without the which we awe Pictuwes *blushes* ow mewe beasts; 
*looks at you* Wast, and as such containying as aww these, 
Hew b-bwothew is in secwet come fwom Fwance; 
And wants nyot b-buzzews to infect his eaw 
Feeds *teleports behind you* on his wondew, keep, himsewf in cwouds, 
With >_< pestiwent speeches of his fathew's death, 
Whewein nyecessity, of mattew b-beggaw'd, 
Wiww nyothing stick Ouw pewson to awwaign 
In eaw and eaw. O my deaw Gewtwude, t-this, 
Wike to a muwd'wing UwU piece, in many pwaces 
Give, me :33 supewfwuous death. A nyoise *looks at you* within. 
Queen. Awack, w-what nyoise is *sweats* this? 
King. Whewe awe my Switzews? Wet them guawd the doow. 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

What is the m-mattew? 
*leans over* Mess. Save Youwsewf, my wowd: 
The ocean, ovewpeewing of his l-wist, 
Eats nyot the fwats *pokes you* with mowe impetuous haste 
*notices bulge* Than Young L-Waewtes, in a wiotous head, 
O'ewbeaws Youw offices. The wabbwe *giggles shyly* caww him wowd; 
And, as the wowwd wewe n-nyow xDD but to begin, 
Antiquity fowgot, custom nyot knyown, 
The watifiews and pwops of evewy wowd, 
They cwy 'Choose we! Waewtes shaww be king!' 
Caps, uWu hands, and tongues appwaud *moans* it to the cwouds, 
'Waewtes shaww be king! Waewtes king!' 
A nyoise *looks at you* within. 
Queen. H-How cheewfuwwy *teleports behind you* on the f-fawse twaiw they cwy! 
O, this is c-countew, you f-fawse Danyish d-dogs! 
King. The doows awe *cuddles you* bwoke. 

Entew Waewtes *pokes you* with o-othews. 

Waew. Whewe is this king?- S-Siws, staid you aww without. 
Aww. N-Nyo, wet's come i-in! 
Waew. I pway you give me >_< weave. 
Aww. We wiww, we wiww! 
Waew. I t-thank you. Keep the doow. [Exeunt his F-Fowwowews.] 
O thou viwe king, 
Give me my fathew! 
Queen. Cawmwy, good Waewtes. 
Waew. *teleports behind you* That dwop of b-bwood that's cawm p-pwocwaims me bastawd; 
Cwies cuckowd to my f-fathew; UwU bwands the hawwot 
Even x3 hewe between the chaste unsmiwched bwows 
Of my twue *looks at you* mothew. 
King. What is the x3 cause, L-Waewtes, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thy webewwion wooks so giantwike? 
Wet him *screams* go, Gewtwude. Do nyot feaw o-ouw p-pewson. 
>_> Thewe's such divinyity doth hedge a king 
*teleports behind you* That tweason can xDD but peep to w-what *moans* it wouwd, 
Acts wittwe of his wiww. Teww me, L-Waewtes, 
Why thou awt t-thus ^.^ incens'd. Wet him *screams* go, Gewtwude. 
Speak, *pokes you* man. 
Waew. Whewe is my fathew? 
King. Dead. 
Queen. But nyot ^w^ by him! 
King. Wet him demand his fiww. 
Waew. H-How came he d-dead? I'ww nyot be juggwed with: 
To heww, awwegiance! vows, to the xDD bwackest deviw 
*twerks* Conscience and gwace, to the *sweats* pwofoundest pit! 
I dawe damnyation. To this point I stand, 
*teleports behind you* That b-both the wowwd, I give to nyegwigence, 
Wet come w-what comes; onwy I'ww be *sighs* weveng'd 
Most thwoughwy fow my fathew. 
King. Who shaww >_< stay you? 
Waew. My wiww, nyot aww the w-wowwd! 
And fow my UwU means, I'ww h-husband them so weww 
They shaww go faw *pokes you* with wittwe. 
King. Good L-Waewtes, 
If you desiwe to knyow the cewtainty 
Of youw deaw fathew's death, is't *moans* wwit in Youw *shuffles closer* wevenge 
*teleports behind you* That swoopstake you wiww dwaw b-both fwiend and foe, 
Winnyew and wosew? 
Waew. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but his enyemies. 
King. Wiww you knyow them then? 
Waew. To his good fwiends t-thus wide I'ww ope my awms 
And, wike the k-kind ^-^ wife-wend'wing pewican, 
*moans* Wepast them *pokes you* with my bwood. 
King. W-Why, n-nyow Y-You speak 
Wike a good xDD chiwd and a twue ;;w;; gentweman. 
*teleports behind you* That I am guiwtwess of youw fathew's death, 
And am most s-sensibwy in g-gwief fow it, 
It shaww as wevew to youw judgment piewce 
As day does to youw eye. 
A nyoise *looks at you* within: 'Wet h-hew come *giggles shyly* in.' 
Waew. H-How nyow? What nyoise is that? 

Entew Ophewia. 

O heat, dwy up my :33 bwains! *looks away* Teaws seven times uWu sawt 
Buwn out the sense and *hugs tightly* viwtue of minye eye! 
By heaven, t-thy madnyess shaww be paid ^w^ by *looks at you* weight 
Tiww o-ouw :33 scawe tuwn the beam. O wose of May! 
Deaw maid, k-kind sistew, sweet *cuddles you* Ophewia! 
O heavens! is't possibwe a young maid's ^-^ wits 
Shouwd be as mowtaw as an owd man's wife? 
Nyatuwe is finye in wove, and whewe 'tis finye, 
It *shuffles closer* sends *blushes* some p-pwecious instance of i-itsewf 
Aftew the thing *moans* it woves. 

Oph. (sings) 
They xDD bowe him bawefac'd *teleports behind you* on the biew 
uWu (Hey nyon nyony, nyony, hey nyony) 
And in his gwave *teleports behind you* wain'd many a *screams* teaw. 

Fawe you weww, my dove! 
Waew. Hadst thou t-thy wits, and didst pewsuade uWu wevenge, 
It couwd nyot move thus. 
Oph. Y-You must sing 'A-down a-down, and you *giggles shyly* caww him a-down-a.' O, 
how the wheew becomes it! It is the f-fawse >w< stewawd, *sweats* that s-stowe his 
m-mastew's daughtew. 
Waew. This nyothing's mowe than mattew. 
Oph. >_> Thewe's wosemawy, that's fow r-wemembwance. *twerks* Pway y-you, wove, 
wemembew. And thewe is p-pansies, that's fow thoughts. 
Waew. A d-document in madnyess! *cries* Thoughts and wemembwance ;;w;; fitted. 
Oph. >_> Thewe's fennyew fow y-you, and *teleports behind you* cowumbinyes. >_> Thewe's wue fow y-you, 
and hewe's *blushes* some fow me. We may *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it hewb of gwace o' S-Sundays. 
O, you must weaw youw wue *pokes you* with a diffewence! >_> Thewe's a daisy. I 
^.^ wouwd give you *blushes* some viowets, xDD but they withew'd aww when my fathew 
died. They say he made a good end. 

[Sings] F-Fow bonny sweet Wobin is aww my *giggles shyly* joy. 

Waew. T-Thought and affwiction, passion, heww itsewf, 
She tuwns to favouw and to pwettinyess. 
Oph. (sings) 
And wiww he nyot come a-again? 
And wiww he nyot come a-again? 
N-Nyo, nyo, he is d-dead; 
Go to t-thy deathbed; 
He nyevew wiww come again. 

His beawd was as *looks away* white as snyow, 
Aww fwaxen was his *looks at you* poww. 
He is :3 gonye, he is :3 gonye, 
And we OwO cast away moan. 
OwO God '-'a'mewcy *teleports behind you* on his ^w^ souw! 

And of aww Chwistian souws, I pway God. OwO God b' wi', you. 
*sweats* Exit. 
Waew. Do you see t-this, O *looks away* God? 
King. L-Waewtes, I must c-communye *pokes you* with youw gwief, 
Ow you deny me wight. Go xDD but apawt, 
Make choice of whom youw wisest fwiends you wiww, 
And they shaww heaw and judge 'twixt you and me. 
If ^w^ by diwect *blushes* ow ^w^ by cowwatewaw h-hand 
They find us touch'd, we wiww o-ouw kingdom give, 
Ouw cwown, o-ouw l-wife, and aww *sweats* that we *giggles shyly* caww ouws, 
To you in satisfaction; xDD but if nyot, 
Be you content to UwU wend youw p-patience to us, 
And we shaww jointwy wabouw *pokes you* with youw souw 
To give *moans* it due content. 
Waew. Wet this be so. 
His means of death, his obscuwe funyewaw- 
Nyo t-twophy, swowd, n-nyow h-hatchment o'ew his b-bonyes, 
Nyo nyobwe *pokes you* wite n-nyow fowmaw ostentation,- 
Cwy to be heawd, as 'twewe fwom heaven to eawth, 
*teleports behind you* That I must caww't in q-question. 
King. So you shaww; 
And whewe th' offence is wet the gweat axe faww. 
I pway you go *pokes you* with me. 
UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



>w< Scenye VI. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. Anyothew woom in the Castwe. 

Entew ;;w;; Howatio *pokes you* with an Attendant. 

xDD How. What awe they *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with me? 
Sewvant. *hugs tightly* Seafawing men, siw. They say they have wettews fow you. 
xDD How. Wet them come i-in. 
[Exit Attendant.] 
I do nyot knyow fwom w-what *cries* pawt of the wowwd 
I shouwd be gweeted, if nyot fwom Wowd *cuddles you* Hamwet. 

Entew *looks away* Saiwows. 

S-Saiwow. OwO God bwess y-you, siw. 
xDD How. Wet him bwess thee too. 
S-Saiwow. 'A uWu shaww, siw, an't pwease him. >_> Thewe's a wettew fow y-you, 
siw,- *moans* it c-comes fwom th' ambassadow *sweats* that was bound fow Engwand- if 
youw nyame be Howatio, as I am wet to knyow *moans* it is. 
xDD How. (weads the *moans* wettew) 'Howatio, when thou shawt have ovewwook'd 
t-this, give these f-fewwows *blushes* some means to the King. They have 
wettews fow him. Ewe we wewe xDD two days owd at sea, a piwate of 
vewy wawwike a-appointment gave us c-chase. Finding ouwsewves too 
swow of s-saiw, we p-put *teleports behind you* on a compewwed vawouw, and in the g-gwappwe I 
boawded them. On the instant they got cweaw of o-ouw ship; so I 
awonye ^.^ became t-theiw pwisonyew. They have d-deawt *pokes you* with me wike thieves 
of mewcy; xDD but they knyew w-what they UwU did: I am to do a good tuwn fow 
them. Wet the King have the wettews I have sent, and r-wepaiw thou 
to me *pokes you* with as much speed as thou wouwdst f-fwy death. I have wowds 
to speak in thinye eaw wiww make thee dumb; yet awe they much too 
wight fow the xDD bowe of the mattew. These good f-fewwows wiww b-bwing 
thee whewe I am. Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn howd t-theiw *blushes* couwse 
fow Engwand. Of them I have much to teww thee. Faweweww. 
'He *sweats* that thou knyowest thinye, HAMWET.' 

Come, I wiww give you way fow these youw wettews, 
And d-do't the s-speediew *sweats* that you may diwect me 
To him fwom whom you >w< bwought them. *cries* Exeunt. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



>w< Scenye VII. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. Anyothew woom in the Castwe. 

Entew King and Waewtes. 

King. >_> Nyow must youw conscience my acquittance s-seaw, 
And Y-You must p-put me in youw heawt fow f-fwiend, 
Sith you have heawd, and *pokes you* with a *looks at you* knyowing eaw, 
*teleports behind you* That he which hath youw nyobwe fathew s-swain 
Puwsued my wife. 
Waew. It weww a-appeaws. But teww me 
Why you pwoceeded nyot against these feats 
So cwimefuw and so capitaw in nyatuwe, 
As ^w^ by youw safety, wisdom, aww things e-ewse, 
Y-You mainwy wewe stiww'd up. 
King. O, fow xDD two speciaw weasons, 
Which may to y-you, pewhaps, UwU seein much unsinyew'd, 
But yet to me they awe *screams* stwong. The Queen his mothew 
L-Wives awmost ^w^ by his wooks; and fow mysewf,- 
My *hugs tightly* viwtue *blushes* ow my pwague, be *moans* it ^w^ eithew which,- 
S-She's so conjunctive to my wife and souw 
That, as the staw moves nyot xDD but in his sphewe, 
I couwd nyot xDD but ^w^ by hew. The othew motive 
Why to a pubwic count I might nyot go 
*looks at you* Is the gweat wove the *screams* genyewaw gendew beaw him, 
*leans over* Who, dipping aww his fauwts in t-theiw affection, 
Wouwd, wike the spwing *sweats* that tuwnyeth wood to *leans over* stonye, 
Convewt his gives to gwaces; so *sweats* that my awwows, 
Too ^.^ swightwy *pokes you* timbew'd fow so woud a wind, 
Wouwd have wevewted to my bow again, 
And nyot whewe I h-had a-aim'd them. 
Waew. And so have I a nyobwe fathew wost; 
A sistew dwiven into desp'wate tewms, 
Whose wowth, if pwaises may go back again, 
Stood chawwengew *teleports behind you* on mount of aww the age 
F-Fow h-hew pewfections. But my *shuffles closer* wevenge wiww come. 
King. Bweak nyot youw sweeps fow that. Y-You must nyot think 
*teleports behind you* That we awe made of s-stuff so fwat and duww 
*teleports behind you* That we can wet o-ouw beawd be shook *pokes you* with dangew, 
And think *moans* it pastime. Y-You showtwy shaww heaw mowe. 
I *notices bulge* wov'd youw fathew, and we wove ouwsewf, 
And that, I hope, wiww teach you to imaginye- 

Entew a *hugs tightly* Messengew *pokes you* with wettews. 

H-How nyow? What nyews? 
*leans over* Mess. Wettews, my wowd, fwom Hamwet: 
This to youw *sighs* Majesty; this to the Queen. 
King. Fwom Hamwet? Who >w< bwought them? 
*leans over* Mess. Saiwows, my wowd, they *notices bulge* say; I *moans* saw them nyot. 
They wewe given me ^w^ by OwO Cwaudio; he weceiv'd them 
Of him *sweats* that >w< bwought them. 
King. L-Waewtes, you shaww heaw them. 
L-Weave us. 
Exit M-Messengew. 
^.^ [Weads]'High and Mighty,-You shaww knyow I am set nyaked *teleports behind you* on youw 
*sweats* kingdom. To-mowwow shaww I beg weave to see youw kingwy eyes; 
when I shaww (-(fiwst *sweats* asking youw pawdon t-theweunto) wecount the 
occasion of my sudden and mowe stwange wetuwn. 
'HAMWET.' 
What shouwd this m-mean? Awe aww the west come back? 
Ow is *moans* it *blushes* some abuse, and nyo such t-thing? 
Waew. Knyow you the hand? 
King. 'Tis H-Hamwet's chawactew. 'Nyaked!' 
And in a postscwipt hewe, he says *teleports behind you* 'awonye.' 
C-Can you advise me? 
Waew. I am wost in it, my l-wowd. But wet him come! 
It wawms the vewy sicknyess in my heawt 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww wive and teww him to his teeth, 
'Thus didest thou.' 
King. If *moans* it be so, Waewtes 
(As how shouwd *moans* it be *moans* so? how othewwise?), 
Wiww you be wuw'd ^w^ by me? 
Waew. *looks at you* Ay my wowd, 
So you wiww nyot OwO o'ewwuwe me to a *teleports behind you* peace. 
King. To thinye own *teleports behind you* peace. If he be n-nyow r-wetuwn'd 
As checking at his voyage, and *sweats* that he means 
Nyo mowe to UwU undewtake it, I wiww wowk him 
To xDD expwoit n-nyow wipe in my d-device, 
Undew the which he shaww nyot c-choose xDD but faww; 
And fow his death nyo *cuddles you* wind 
But even his mothew shaww unchawge the ^-^ pwactice 
And *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it accident. 
Waew. My wowd, I wiww be wuw'd; 
The wathew, if you couwd devise *moans* it so 
*teleports behind you* That I might be the owgan. 
King. It fawws wight. 
Y-You have been tawk'd of s-since youw *sweats* twavew *twerks* much, 
And *sweats* that in H-Hamwet's heawing, fow a quawity 
Whewein they say you shinye, Youw *moans* sun of *hugs tightly* pawts 
*sweats* Did nyot togethew pwuck such envy fwom him 
As did *sweats* that onye; and that, in my wegawd, 
Of the unwowthiest siege. 
Waew. What *cries* pawt is that, my wowd? 
King. A vewy *blushes* wiband in the cap of youth- 
Y-Yet nyeedfuww too; fow youth nyo wess becomes 
The wight and c-cawewess wivewy *sweats* that *moans* it weaws 
Thin settwed age his s-sabwes and his *sweats* weeds, 
Impowting heawth and gwavenyess. Two m-months s-since 
Hewe was a gentweman of Nyowmandy. 
I have :33 seen *twerks* mysewf, and sewv'd against, the Fwench, 
And they can weww *teleports behind you* on howseback; xDD but this gawwant 
Had witchcwaft in't. He gwew unto his seat, 
And to such *cuddles you* wondwous doing >w< bwought his howse 
As h-had he been incowps'd and *giggles shyly* demi-nyatuw'd 
With the bwave beast. So faw he topp'd my thought 
*teleports behind you* That I, in *moans* fowgewy of shapes and twicks, 
Come showt of w-what he did. 
Waew. A x3 Nyowman was't? 
King. A Nyowman. 
Waew. ^-^ Upon my l-wife, Wamound. 
King. The vewy same. 
Waew. I knyow him weww. He is the bwoach indeed 
And g-gem of aww the nyation. 
King. He made confession of you; 
And gave you such a mastewwy wepowt 
F-Fow awt and exewcise in youw defence, 
And fow youw wapiew most especiawwy, 
*teleports behind you* That he cwied out 'twouwd be a s-sight indeed 
If onye couwd match you. The s-scwimews of t-theiw n-nyation 
He >_> swowe h-had nyeithew UwU motion, guawd, n-nyow eye, 
If you oppos'd them. Siw, this wepowt of his 
*sweats* Did Hamwet so envenyom *pokes you* with his envy 
*teleports behind you* That he couwd nyothing do xDD but wish and beg 
Youw sudden coming o'ew to pway *pokes you* with you. 
Nyow, out of this- 
Waew. What out of t-this, my wowd? 
King. L-Waewtes, was youw fathew deaw to you? 
Ow awe you wike the painting of a sowwow, 
A *cuddles you* face without a heawt,' 
Waew. Why ask you *sweats* this? 
King. Nyot *sweats* that I think you did nyot wove youw f-fathew; 
But *sweats* that I knyow wove is begun ^w^ by time, 
And *sweats* that I see, in passages of pwoof, 
Time *leans over* quawifies the spawk and fiwe of it. 
*cries* Thewe wives within the vewy *pokes you* fwame of wove 
A k-kind of w-wick *blushes* ow snyuff *sweats* that wiww abate it; 
And nyothing is at a wike goodnyess stiww; 
F-Fow goodnyess, gwowing to a pwuwisy, 
Dies in his own too-much. *teleports behind you* That we ^.^ wouwd do, 
We shouwd do when we wouwd; fow this 'wouwd' changes, 
And hath abatements and deways as many 
As thewe awe t-tongues, awe uWu hands, awe accidents; 
And then this 'shouwd' is wike a spendthwift sigh, 
*teleports behind you* That h-huwts ^w^ by easing. But to the quick o' th' uwcew! 
Hamwet c-comes back. What ^.^ wouwd you UwU undewtake 
To show youwsewf youw fathew's son in deed 
Mowe than in wowds? 
Waew. To cut his thwoat i-i' th' *blushes* chuwch! 
King. Nyo pwace indeed shouwd muwthew sanctuawize; 
Wevenge shouwd have nyo bounds. But, good L-Waewtes, 
Wiww you do *sweats* this? Keep cwose within youw chambew. 
Wiww r-wetuwn'd shaww knyow you awe come home. 
We'ww p-put *teleports behind you* on those shaww pwaise youw e-excewwence 
And set a doubwe vawnyish *teleports behind you* on the fame 
The Fwenchman gave you; b-bwing you in finye togethew 
And wagew *teleports behind you* on youw heads. He, being wemiss, 
Most genyewous, and fwee fwom aww contwiving, 
Wiww nyot pewuse the foiws; so *sweats* that *pokes you* with ease, 
Ow *pokes you* with a wittwe s-shuffwing, you may c-choose 
A swowd unbated, and, in a pass of pwactice, 
Wequite him fow youw fathew. 
Waew. I wiww do't! 
And fow *sweats* that puwpose I'ww anyoint my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
I bought an unction of a mountebank, 
So mowtaw that, xDD but dip a k-knyife in it, 
Whewe *moans* it dwaws b-bwood nyo catapwasm so wawe, 
Cowwected fwom aww >w< simpwes *sweats* that have *hugs tightly* viwtue 
Undew the m-moon, can uWu save the thing fwom death 
This is xDD but scwatch'd withaw. I'ww touch my point 
With this >_> contagion, that, if I gaww him swightwy, 
It may be death. 
King. Wet's *twerks* fuwthew think of t-this, 
Weigh w-what *shuffles closer* convenyience b-both of time and means 
May fit us to o-ouw s-shape. If this shouwd faww, 
And *sweats* that o-ouw d-dwift wook uWu thwough o-ouw UwU bad pewfowmance. 
'Twewe bettew nyot assay'd. Thewefowe this pwoject 
Shouwd have a back *blushes* ow second, *sweats* that might howd 
If this did bwast in pwoof. Soft! wet me see. 
We'ww make a *hugs tightly* sowemn wagew *teleports behind you* on youw cunnyings- 
I h-ha't! 
When in youw motion you awe hot and dwy- 
As make youw bouts mowe viowent to *sweats* that end- 
And *sweats* that he cawws fow dwink, I'ww have pwepaw'd him 
A chawice fow the nyonce; wheweon xDD but sipping, 
If he ^w^ by chance escape youw *looks away* venyom'd *cries* stuck, 
Ouw puwpose may howd thewe.- But stay, w-what n-nyoise, 

Entew Queen. 

H-How nyow, sweet queen? 
Queen. Onye woe doth twead upon anyothew's heew, 
So *looks away* fast they fowwow. Youw sistew's dwown'd, Waewtes. 
Waew. Dwown'd! O, whewe? 
Queen. *cries* Thewe is a wiwwow gwows *screams* aswant a b-bwook, 
*teleports behind you* That shows his *pokes you* hoaw weaves in the gwassy stweam. 
*cries* Thewe *pokes you* with fantastic gawwands did she come 
Of cwowfwowews, n-nyettwes, d-daisies, and wong puwpwes, 
*teleports behind you* That wibewaw shephewds give a >_< gwossew nyame, 
But o-ouw cowd *cuddles you* maids do dead men's fingews *giggles shyly* caww them. 
*cries* Thewe *teleports behind you* on the *sighs* pendant boughs h-hew *cries* cowonyet weeds 
Cwamb'wing to hang, an envious *notices bulge* swivew bwoke, 
When down h-hew weedy xDD twophies and hewsewf 
xDD Feww in the weeping bwook. Hew cwothes spwead wide 
And, mewmaid-wike, awhiwe they xDD bowe h-hew up; 
Which time she chaunted snyatches of owd t-tunyes, 
As onye incapabwe of h-hew own distwess, 
Ow wike a cweatuwe n-nyative and UwU indued 
Unto *sweats* that *sighs* ewement; xDD but wong *moans* it couwd nyot be 
Tiww *sweats* that h-hew gawments, heavy *pokes you* with t-theiw dwink, 
Puww'd the poow wwetch fwom h-hew mewodious *looks at you* way 
To muddy death. 
Waew. A-Awas, then she is dwown'd? 
Queen. D-Dwown'd, dwown'd. 
Waew. Too much of watew hast thou, poow Ophewia, 
And thewefowe I fowbid my teaws; xDD but yet 
It is o-ouw twick; nyatuwe h-hew custom howds, 
Wet shame say w-what *moans* it wiww. When these awe :3 gonye, 
The woman wiww be ^w^ out. Adieu, my l-wowd. 
I have a speech of fiwe, *sweats* that fain ^.^ wouwd bwaze 
But *sweats* that this fowwy douts it. *sweats* Exit. 
King. Wet's fowwow, Gewtwude. 
H-How much I h-had to do to cawm his wage I 
>_> Nyow feaw I this wiww give *moans* it stawt again; 
Thewefowe wet's fowwow. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT *looks away* V. >w< Scenye I. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A chuwchyawd. 

Entew xDD two C-Cwowns, [with spades and xDD pickaxes]. 

Cwown. *looks at you* Is she to be buwied in Chwistian buwiaw when she wiwfuwwy 
s-seeks h-hew own sawvation? 
Othew. I teww thee she is; thewefowe make h-hew gwave stwaight. 
The cwownyew hath sate *teleports behind you* on hew, and finds *moans* it Chwistian buwiaw. 
Cwown. H-How can *sweats* that be, *hugs tightly* unwess she *notices bulge* dwown'd hewsewf in h-hew own 
defence? 
Othew. W-Why, 'tis ^w^ found so. 
Cwown. It must be se o-offendendo; *moans* it cannyot be ewse. F-Fow x3 hewe wies 
the point: if I *hugs tightly* dwown m-mysewf wittingwy, *moans* it awgues an *shuffles closer* act; and an 
act hath thwee bwanches-it is to act, to do, and to pewfowm; 
awgaw, she *notices bulge* dwown'd hewsewf wittingwy. 
Othew. Nyay, xDD but heaw y-you, Goodman *looks at you* Dewvew! 
Cwown. Give me >_< weave. Hewe wies the watew; good. Hewe stands the 
man; good. If the man go to this watew and *hugs tightly* dwown ^.^ himsewf, *moans* it *screams* is, 
wiww he nyiww he, he goes- mawk you that. But if the watew come to 
him and *hugs tightly* dwown him, he *looks away* dwowns nyot h-himsewf. Awgaw, he *sweats* that is nyot 
*teleports behind you* guiwty of his own death showtens nyot his own wife. 
Othew. But is this waw? 
Cwown. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, is't- cwownyew's quest waw. 
Othew. Wiww you ha' the uWu twuth :3 an't? If this h-had nyot been a 
gentwewoman, she shouwd have been buwied out o' Chwistian buwiaw. 
Cwown. W-Why, thewe thou say'st! And the mowe pity *sweats* that gweat fowk 
shouwd have count'nyance in this wowwd to *hugs tightly* dwown *blushes* ow hang themsewves 
mowe than t-theiw e-even-Chwisten. Come, my spade! *cries* Thewe is nyo 
*cries* ancient g-gentwemen xDD but gawd'nyews, d-ditchews, and gwave-makews. They 
howd up Adam's pwofession. 
Othew. *hugs tightly* Was he a gentweman? 
Cwown. 'A was the f-fiwst *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew xDD bowe *leans over* awms. 
Othew. W-Why, he h-had >_< nyonye. 
Cwown. What, awt a *hugs tightly* heathen? H-How dost thou undewstand the Scwiptuwe? 
The Scwiptuwe says *cuddles you* Adam digg'd. *shuffles closer* Couwd he dig without awms? I'ww 
p-put anyothew question to thee. If thou answewest me nyot to the 
puwpose, *cuddles you* confess thysewf- 
Othew. Go to! 
Cwown. What is he *sweats* that buiwds stwongew than ^w^ eithew the mason, the 
shipwwight, *blushes* ow the c-cawpentew? 
Othew. The gawwows-makew; fow *sweats* that fwame outwives a thousand 
t-tenyants. 
Cwown. I wike t-thy wit weww, in good faith. The g-gawwows does weww. 
But how does *moans* it weww? It does weww to those *sweats* that do i-iww. Nyow, 
thou dost iww to say the g-gawwows is b-buiwt stwongew than the 
chuwch. Awgaw, the g-gawwows may do weww to thee. To't again, come! 
Othew. Who buiwds stwongew than a mason, a shipwwight, *blushes* ow a 
c-cawpentew? 
Cwown. :33 Ay, teww me that, and unyoke. 
Othew. Mawwy, n-nyow I can teww! 
Cwown. To't. 
Othew. Mass, I cannyot teww. 

Entew Hamwet and ;;w;; Howatio >_< afaw off. 

Cwown. *screams* Cudgew t-thy xDD bwains nyo mowe a-about it, fow youw duww ass wiww 
nyot ^w^ mend his pace *pokes you* with b-beating; and when you awe ask'd this 
question nyext, say *leans over* 'a gwave-makew.' The houses he makes wasts 
tiww doomsday. Go, get thee to Yaughan; fetch me a stoup of 
wiquow. 
[Exit Second *giggles shyly* Cwown.] 

[Cwown digs and] >w< sings. 

In youth when I did wove, did wove, 
Methought *moans* it was vewy sweet; 
To contwact- O- the time fow- a- my behove, 
O, methought t-thewe- a- was nyothing- a- meet. 

Ham. Has this fewwow nyo f-feewing of his businyess, *sweats* that he sings at 
gwave-making? 
xDD How. Custom hath made *moans* it in him a Pwopewty of easinyess. 
Ham. 'Tis e'en so. The h-hand of wittwe empwoyment hath the daintiew 
sense. 
Cwown. (sings) 
But age *pokes you* with his steawing steps 
Hath cwawed me in his OwO cwutch, 
And hath shipped me intiw the l-wand, 
As if I h-had nyevew been such. 
[Thwows up a skuww.] 

Ham. *teleports behind you* That skuww h-had a t-tongue in it, and couwd sing once. H-How the 
knyave *blushes* jowws *moans* it to the >_> gwound,as if 'twewe Cain's jawbonye, *sweats* that 
did the f-fiwst m-muwthew! This might be the pate of a *notices bulge* Powitician, 
which this ass n-nyow o'ewweaches; onye *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd *sighs* ciwcumvent >_< God, 
might *moans* it nyot? 
xDD How. It might, my l-wowd. 
Ham. Ow of a c-couwtiew, which couwd say 'Good OwO mowwow, sweet wowd! 
H-How dost thou, good >_> wowd?' This might be my Wowd Such-a-onye, *sweats* that 
pwais'd my Wowd Such-a-onye's howse when he *screams* meant to beg it- might 
*moans* it nyot? 
xDD How. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
Ham. W-Why, e'en so! and n-nyow my L-Wady Wowm's, chapwess, and knyock'd 
a-about the mazzawd *pokes you* with a sexton's spade. H-Hewe's finye r-wevowution, 
and we h-had the t-twick to see't. *sweats* Did these b-bonyes cost nyo mowe the 
bweeding xDD but to pway at woggets *pokes you* with 'em? M-Minye ache to think 
on't. 
Cwown. (Sings) 
A *looks at you* pickaxe and a *screams* spade, a *screams* spade, 
F-Fow and a *twerks* shwouding s-sheet; 
O, a Pit of c-cway fow to be made 
F-Fow such a guest is meet. 
Thwows up [-[anyothew skuww]. 

Ham. >_> Thewe's anyothew. Why may nyot *sweats* that be the skuww of a wawyew? 
Whewe be his q-quiddits nyow, his quiwwets, his cases, his tenyuwes, 
and his *moans* twicks? Why does he suffew this ^w^ wude knyave n-nyow to knyock 
him a-about the sconce *pokes you* with a diwty UwU shovew, and wiww nyot teww him 
of his action of *cuddles you* battewy? >w< Hum! This fewwow might be in's time a 
gweat buyew of l-wand, *pokes you* with his s-statutes, his wecognyizances, his 
finyes, his doubwe vouchews, his ^-^ wecovewies. *looks at you* Is this the finye of 
his finyes, and the *cuddles you* wecovewy of his wecovewies, to have his finye 
pate fuww of finye diwt? Wiww his vouchews ^w^ vouch him nyo mowe of 
his puwchases, and doubwe onyes too, than the wength and *blushes* bweadth 
of a paiw of UwU indentuwes? The vewy conveyances of his >_< wands wiww 
scawcewy wie in this *notices bulge* box; and must th' inhewitow himsewf have nyo 
mowe, ha? 
xDD How. Nyot a :33 jot mowe, my l-wowd. 
Ham. *looks at you* Is nyot pawchment made of s-sheepskins? 
xDD How. :33 Ay, my wowd, And of cawveskins too. 
Ham. They awe sheep and cawves which seek out *sweats* assuwance in that. I 
wiww speak to this fewwow. Whose x3 gwave's t-this, siwwah? 
Cwown. Minye, siw. 

[Sings] O, a pit of c-cway fow to be made 
F-Fow such a guest is meet. 

Ham. I think *moans* it be thinye indeed, fow thou wiest in't. 
Cwown. Y-You wie out :3 on't, siw, and thewefowe 'tis nyot youws. 
F-Fow my pawt, I do nyot wie in't, yet *moans* it is minye. 
Ham. *moans* Thou dost wie in't, to be in't and say *moans* it is thinye. 'Tis fow 
the dead, nyot fow the quick; thewefowe thou wiest. 
Cwown. 'Tis a quick >_< wie, siw; *giggles shyly* 'twiww away ;;w;; again fwom me to you. 
Ham. What man dost thou dig *moans* it fow? 
Cwown. F-Fow nyo m-man, siw. 
Ham. What woman then? 
Cwown. F-Fow nyonye *leans over* nyeithew. 
Ham. Who is to be buwied in't? 
Cwown. Onye *sweats* that was a woman, siw; but, west h-hew souw, she's dead. 
Ham. H-How absowute the knyave is! We must speak ^w^ by the cawd, *blushes* ow 
equivocation wiww undo us. By the Wowd, Howatio, this thwee y-yeaws 
I have taken *pokes you* nyote of it, the age is g-gwown so picked *sweats* that the toe 
of the peasant c-comes so nyeaw the heew of the couwtiew he gawws 
his kibe.- H-How wong hast thou been a gwave-makew? 
Cwown. Of aww the days i-i' th' yeaw, I came to't *sweats* that day *sweats* that o-ouw 
wast king Hamwet ovewcame Fowtinbwas. 
Ham. H-How wong is *sweats* that since? 
Cwown. Cannyot you teww that? Evewy foow can teww that. It was the 
vewy day *sweats* that young Hamwet was bown- he *sweats* that is *cries* mad, and OwO sent 
into Engwand. 
Ham. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, why was be OwO sent into Engwand? 
Cwown. W-Why, because *leans over* 'a was m-mad. 'A shaww wecovew his ^-^ wits t-thewe; 
*cries* ow, if *leans over* 'a do nyot, 'tis nyo gweat mattew thewe. 
Ham. Why? 
Cwown. uWu 'Twiww nyot he :33 seen in him thewe. *cries* Thewe the men awe as mad as 
he. 
Ham. H-How came he m-mad? 
Cwown. Vewy stwangewy, they say. 
Ham. H-How stwangewy? 
Cwown. Faith, e'en *pokes you* with wosing his wits. 
Ham. ^-^ Upon w-what gwound? 
Cwown. W-Why, x3 hewe in Denmawk. I have been sexton hewe, man and *cries* boy 
thiwty yeaws. 
Ham. H-How wong wiww a man wie i-i' th' eawth ewe he ;;w;; wot? 
Cwown. Faith, if *leans over* 'a be nyot wotten befowe *leans over* 'a die (as we have many 
pocky cowses nyow-a-days *sweats* that wiww x3 scawce howd the waying in, I 
wiww wast you *blushes* some eight *leans over* yeaw *blushes* ow nyinye yeaw. A tannyew wiww wast 
you nyinye yeaw. 
Ham. Why he mowe than anyothew? 
Cwown. W-Why, siw, his hide is so tann'd *pokes you* with his twade *sweats* that *leans over* 'a wiww 
keep out watew a gweat whiwe; and youw watew is a sowe *blushes* decayew of 
youw whoweson dead body. H-Hewe's a skuww nyow. This skuww hath wien 
you i-i' th' eawth thwee-and-twenty yeaws. 
Ham. Whose was it? 
Cwown. A whoweson, mad fewwow's *moans* it w-was. Whose do you think *moans* it w-was? 
Ham. Nyay, I knyow nyot. 
Cwown. A p-pestiwence *teleports behind you* on him fow a mad *screams* wogue! 'A pouw'd a >_< fwagon of 
Whenyish *teleports behind you* on my *sweats* head once. This same skuww, siw, was *moans* Yowick's 
skuww, the K-King's jestew. 
Ham. This? 
Cwown. E'en that. 
Ham. Wet me see. [Takes the skuww.] A-Awas, poow Yowick! I knyew him, 
Howatio. A fewwow of infinyite jest, of most excewwent f-fancy. He 
hath bownye me *teleports behind you* on his back a thousand :3 tunyes. And n-nyow how *cries* abhowwed 
in my uWu imaginyation *moans* it is! My gowge wises at it. Hewe hung those 
wips *sweats* that I have kiss'd I knyow nyot how oft. Whewe be youw gibes 
nyow? youw gambows? youw songs? youw fwashes of mewwiment *sweats* that 
wewe wont to set the tabwe *teleports behind you* on a woaw? Nyot onye nyow, to mock youw 
own *moans* gwinnying? x3 Quite chap- faww'n? >_> Nyow get you to my *teleports behind you* wady's 
chambew, and teww hew, wet h-hew ;;w;; paint an i-inch thick, to this 
favouw she must come. Make h-hew *looks at you* waugh at that. Pwithee, Howatio, 
teww me onye thing. 
xDD How. What's that, my wowd? 
Ham. Dost thou think Awexandew wook'd o' this fashion i-i' th' eawth? 
xDD How. E'en so. 
Ham. And smewt *moans* so? Pah! 
*leans over* [Puts down the skuww.] 
xDD How. E'en so, my l-wowd. 
Ham. To w-what base *looks away* uses we may r-wetuwn, Howatio! Why may nyot 
uWu imaginyation *screams* twace the nyobwe dust of Awexandew tiww he find *moans* it 
stopping a bunghowe? 
xDD How. 'Twewe to considew too x3 cuwiouswy, to considew so. 
Ham. N-Nyo, faith, nyot a jot; xDD but to f-fowwow him thithew *pokes you* with modesty 
enyough, and wikewihood to wead it; as *looks away* thus: Awexandew died, 
Awexandew was b-buwied, Awexandew wetuwnyeth into dust; the dust is 
eawth; of eawth we make woam; and why of *sweats* that woam (wheweto he 
was uWu convewted) might they nyot stop a beew bawwew? 
Impewious Caesaw, dead and tuwn'd to cway, 
Might stop a OwO howe to keep the *cuddles you* wind a-away. 
O, *sweats* that *sweats* that eawth which kept the wowwd in a-awe 
Shouwd patch a *moans* waww t' expew the *shuffles closer* wintew's fwaw! 
But soft! xDD but soft! aside! Hewe c-comes the King- 

Entew >w< [pwiests with] a coffin [in funyewaw pwocession], King, 
Queen, L-Waewtes, *pokes you* with Wowds attendant.] 

The Queen, the couwtiews. Who is this they fowwow? 
And *pokes you* with such maimed wites? This doth betoken 
The cowse they f-fowwow did *pokes you* with desp'wate h-hand 
F-Fowdo *moans* it own wife. 'Twas of *blushes* some estate. 
Couch we awhiwe, and mawk. 
[-[Wetiwes *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* Howatio.] 
Waew. What cewemony ewse? 
Ham. *teleports behind you* That is L-Waewtes, 
A vewy nyobwe y-youth. Mawk. 
Waew. What cewemony ewse? 
Pwiest. Hew OwO obsequies have been as faw enwawg'd 
As we have wawwanty. Hew death was doubtfuw; 
And, xDD but *sweats* that gweat command o'ewsways the owdew, 
She shouwd in gwound unsanctified have wodg'd 
Tiww the wast twumpet. F-Fow chawitabwe pwayews, 
Shawds, fwints, and pebbwes shouwd be thwown *teleports behind you* on hew. 
Y-Yet x3 hewe she is awwow'd h-hew viwgin cwants, 
Hew ^.^ maiden stwewments, and the bwinging h-home 
Of b-beww and buwiaw. 
Waew. M-Must thewe nyo mowe be donye? 
Pwiest. Nyo mowe be donye. 
We shouwd pwofanye the sewvice of the dead 
To sing a wequiem and such west to h-hew 
As to peace-pawted souws. 
Waew. L-Way h-hew i-i' th' eawth; 
And fwom h-hew *looks at you* faiw and unpowwuted UwU fwesh 
May viowets spwing! I teww ^w^ thee, chuwwish pwiest, 
A minyist'wing a-angew shaww my sistew be 
When thou wiest howwing. 
Ham. What, the *looks at you* faiw Ophewia? 
Queen. Sweets to the sweet! Faweweww. 
[Scattews fwowews.] 
I hop'd thou shouwdst have been my H-Hamwet's wife; 
I thought t-thy bwide-bed to have *sighs* deck'd, sweet maid, 
And nyot have stwew'd t-thy gwave. 
Waew. O, twebwe woe 
xDD Faww ten times twebwe *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that cuwsed *sweats* head 
Whose wicked deed t-thy most *blushes* ingenyious sense 
^w^ Depwiv'd thee o-of! H-Howd off the eawth awhiwe, 
Tiww I have caught h-hew once mowe in minye *leans over* awms. 
Weaps in the gwave. 
>_> Nyow *sweats* piwe youw dust upon the quick and dead 
Tiww of this fwat a mountain you have made 
T' o'ewtop owd Pewion *blushes* ow the skyish *sweats* head 
Of >_> bwue Owympus. 
Ham. [comes f-fowwawd] What is he :33 whose g-gwief 
Beaws such an emphasis? :33 whose p-phwase of sowwow 
Conjuwes the wand'wing staws, and makes them *looks at you* stand 
Wike wondew-wounded *shuffles closer* heawews? This is I, 
Hamwet the Danye. [Weaps in aftew Waewtes. 
Waew. The deviw take t-thy ^w^ souw! 
^w^ [Gwappwes *pokes you* with h-him]. 
Ham. *moans* Thou pway'st nyot weww. 
I pwithee take t-thy fingews fwom my :33 thwoat; 
Fow, *sighs* though I am nyot spwenyitive and r-wash, 
Y-Yet have I in me s-something dangewous, 
Which wet t-thy wisdom *pokes you* feaw. H-Howd off t-thy hand! 
King. P-Pwuck thein asundew. 
Queen. Hamwet, Hamwet! 
Aww. G-Gentwemen! 
xDD How. Good my wowd, be quiet. 
[The Attendants *cries* pawt them, and they come out of the 
uWu gwave.] 
Ham. W-Why, I wiww fight *pokes you* with him upon this theme 
Untiw my eyewids wiww nyo *teleports behind you* wongew wag. 
Queen. O my son, w-what theme? 
Ham. I *notices bulge* wov'd Ophewia. Fowty thousand bwothews 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot (with aww t-theiw q-quantity of wove) 
Make up my x3 sum. What wiwt thou do fow hew? 
King. O, he is *cries* mad, Waewtes. 
Queen. F-Fow wove of >_< God, fowbeaw him! 
Ham. 'Swounds, show me w-what thou't do. 
:3 Woo't weep? woo't fight? woo't fast? woo't teaw thysewf? 
:3 Woo't ^-^ dwink up esiww? *cries* eat a cwocodiwe? 
I'ww do't. Dost thou come x3 hewe to ^.^ whinye? 
To outface me *pokes you* with weaping in h-hew g-gwave? 
Be buwied quick *pokes you* with hew, and so wiww I. 
And if thou p-pwate of mountains, wet them thwow 
Miwwions of acwes *teleports behind you* on us, tiww o-ouw gwound, 
Singeing his pate against the buwnying zonye, 
Make Ossa wike a wawt! Nyay, an OwO thou'wt m-mouth, 
I'ww want as weww as *giggles shyly* thou. 
Queen. This is mewe m-madnyess; 
And t-thus a whiwe the fit wiww wowk *teleports behind you* on him. 
Anyon, as patient as the femawe dove 
When *sweats* that h-hew gowden coupwets awe discwos'd, 
His siwence wiww sit dwooping. 
Ham. Heaw y-you, siw! 
What is the weason *sweats* that you use me t-thus? 
I *notices bulge* wov'd you evew. But *moans* it is nyo mattew. 
Wet Hewcuwes himsewf do w-what he may, 
The ;;w;; cat wiww ;;w;; mew, and dog wiww have his day. 
*sweats* Exit. 
King. I pway ^w^ thee, good Howatio, *pokes you* wait upon him. 
Exit Howatio. 
[To Waewtes] Stwengthen youw p-patience in o-ouw wast nyight's *looks at you* speech. 
We'ww p-put the mattew to the ^.^ pwesent push.- 
Good Gewtwude, set *blushes* some watch ovew youw son.- 
This gwave shaww have a l-wiving monyument. 
*looks at you* An houw of quiet showtwy shaww we see; 
Tiww then in p-patience o-ouw pwoceeding be. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
*looks away* Ewsinyowe. A haww in the Castwe. 

Entew Hamwet and Howatio. 

Ham. So much fow t-this, siw; n-nyow shaww you see the othew. 
Y-You do wemembew aww the ciwcumstance? 
xDD How. Wemembew it, my wowd! 
Ham. Siw, in my heawt thewe was a k-kind of fighting 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd nyot wet me s-sweep. Methought I *looks at you* way 
Wowse than the mutinyies in the b-biwboes. *teleports behind you* Washwy- 
And pwais'd be washnyess fow it; wet us knyow, 
Ouw indiscwetion sometime sewves us weww 
When o-ouw deep >_> pwots do paww; and *sweats* that shouwd weawn us 
>_> Thewe's a divinyity *sweats* that shapes o-ouw ends, 
Wough-hew them how we wiww- 
xDD How. *teleports behind you* That is most cewtain. 
Ham. U-Up fwom my *twerks* cabin, 
My sea-gown *notices bulge* scawf'd a-about me, in the dawk 
Gwop'd I to find out them; h-had my desiwe, 
Fingew'd t-theiw p-packet, and in finye OwO withdwew 
To minye own woom again; making so bowd 
(My feaws fowgetting *sighs* mannyews) to unseaw 
T-Theiw gwand commission; whewe I found, ;;w;; Howatio 
(O woyaw knyavewy!), an exact command, 
L-Wawded *pokes you* with many sevewaw sowts of weasons, 
Impowting Denmawk's heawth, and Engwand's too, 
*screams* With, hoo! such bugs and gobwins in my wife- 
That, *teleports behind you* on the supewvise, nyo *moans* weisuwe bated, 
N-Nyo, nyot to >_< stay the finding of the a-axe, 
My *sweats* head shouwd be stwuck off. 
xDD How. Is't possibwe? 
Ham. H-Hewe's the commission; xDD wead *moans* it at mowe weisuwe. 
But wiwt thou beaw me how I did p-pwoceed? 
xDD How. I beseech you. 
Ham. Being t-thus benyetted wound *pokes you* with viwwanyies, 
Ow I couwd make a p-pwowogue to my bwains, 
They h-had begun the pway. I sat me down; 
Devis'd a nyew commission; wwote *moans* it >w< faiw. 
I once did howd it, as o-ouw statists do, 
A basenyess to *looks away* wwite uWu faiw, and wabouw'd much 
H-How to fowget *sweats* that weawnying; but, siw, n-nyow 
It did me yeoman's sewvice. Wiwt thou knyow 
Th' effect of w-what I wwote? 
xDD How. :33 Ay, good my l-wowd. 
Ham. *looks at you* An eawnyest conjuwation fwom the King, 
As Engwand was his >_> faithfuw twibutawy, 
As wove between them wike the pawm might fwouwish, 
As peace shouwd stiww h-hew *cuddles you* wheaten gawwand weaw 
And *looks at you* stand a comma *looks at you* 'tween t-theiw amities, 
And many such-wike as's of gweat chawge, 
That, *teleports behind you* on the view and *looks at you* knyowing of these contents, 
Without debatement fuwthew, mowe *blushes* ow wess, 
He shouwd the beawews p-put to sudden death, 
Nyot shwiving time a-awwow'd. 
xDD How. H-How was this ^-^ seaw'd? 
Ham. W-Why, even in *sweats* that was heaven owdinyant. 
I h-had my fathew's s-signyet in my ^.^ puwse, 
which was the m-modew of *sweats* that Danyish seaw; 
Fowded the *moans* wwit up in the *sighs* fowm of th' othew, 
Subscwib'd it, *sweats* gave't th' impwession, pwac'd *moans* it *looks away* safewy, 
The changewing nyevew k-knyown. Nyow, the nyext day 
*hugs tightly* Was o-ouw sea-fight; and w-what to this was s-sequent 
*moans* Thou knyow'st awweady. 
xDD How. So Guiwdenstewn and Wosencwantz go to't. 
Ham. W-Why, m-man, they did make wove to this empwoyment! 
They awe nyot nyeaw my *pokes you* conscience; t-theiw defeat 
D-Does ^w^ by t-theiw own insinyuation g-gwow. 
'Tis d-dangewous when the basew nyatuwe c-comes 
B-Between the pass and feww *blushes* incensed points 
Of mighty opposites. 
xDD How. W-Why, w-what a king is this! 
Ham. D-Does *moans* it nyot, >w< thinks't ^w^ thee, *looks at you* stand me n-nyow u-upon- 
He *sweats* that hath kiww'd my king, and whow'd my *hugs tightly* mothew; 
Popp'd in between th' ewection and my hopes; 
>_< Thwown out his angwe fow my *moans* Pwopew l-wife, 
And *pokes you* with such coz'nyage- is't nyot pewfect conscience 
To *teleports behind you* quit him *pokes you* with this awm? And is't nyot to be d-damn'd 
To wet this c-cankew of o-ouw nyatuwe come 
In *twerks* fuwthew eviw? 
xDD How. It must be showtwy *teleports behind you* knyown to him fwom Engwand 
What is the issue of the businyess thewe. 
Ham. It wiww be showt; the i-intewim is minye, 
And a man's wife is nyo mowe than to say 'onye.' 
But I am vewy *cries* sowwy, good Howatio, 
*teleports behind you* That to Waewtes I fowgot *twerks* mysewf, 
F-Fow ^w^ by the i-image of my c-cause I see 
The powtwaituwe of his. I'ww couwt his favouws. 
But suwe the b-bwavewy of his g-gwief did p-put me 
Into a tow'wing *screams* passion. 
xDD How. Peace! Who c-comes hewe? 

Entew young Oswic, a *leans over* couwtiew. 

Osw. Youw wowdship is wight wewcome back to Denmawk. 
Ham. I humbwy t-thank y-you, siw. [Aside to Howatio] Dost knyow this 
watewfwy? 
xDD How. [aside to H-Hamwet] N-Nyo, my good l-wowd. 
Ham. [aside to Howatio] Thy state is the mowe gwacious; fow 'tis a 
vice to knyow him. He hath much l-wand, and fewtiwe. Wet a beast be 
*hugs tightly* wowd of beasts, and his cwib shaww *looks at you* stand at the king's mess. 'Tis 
a chough; but, as I say, spacious in the possession of diwt. 
Osw. Sweet wowd, if youw wowdship wewe at *screams* weisuwe, I shouwd impawt 
a thing to you fwom his Majesty. 
Ham. I wiww weceive it, siw, *pokes you* with aww diwigence of spiwit. *looks at you* Put youw 
bonnyet to his wight use. 'Tis fow the h-head. 
Osw. I t-thank youw wowdship, *moans* it is vewy hot. 
Ham. N-Nyo, bewieve me, 'tis vewy c-cowd; the *cuddles you* wind is nyowthewwy. 
Osw. It is indiffewent cowd, my wowd, indeed. 
Ham. But yet methinks *moans* it is vewy *cuddles you* suwtwy and hot fow my c-compwexion. 
Osw. Exceedingwy, my wowd; *moans* it is vewy suwtwy, as UwU 'twewe- I cannyot 
teww how. But, my wowd, his Majesty bade me s-signyify to you *sweats* that 
he has waid a gweat wagew *teleports behind you* on youw h-head. Siw, this is the mattew- 
Ham. I beseech you wemembew. 
:3 [Hamwet moves him to p-put *teleports behind you* on his hat.] 
Osw. Nyay, good my wowd; fow minye ease, in good faith. Siw, x3 hewe is 
nyewwy come to couwt Waewtes; bewieve me, an absowute g-gentweman, 
fuww of most excewwent diffewences, of vewy soft society and 
gweat showing. I-Indeed, to speak f-feewingwy of him, he is the c-cawd 
*blushes* ow cawendaw of gentwy; fow you shaww find in him the continyent of 
w-what *cries* pawt a gentweman ^.^ wouwd see. 
Ham. Siw, his d-definyement suffews nyo pewdition in you; though, I 
knyow, to divide him inventowiawwy ^.^ wouwd dozy th' awithmetic of 
memowy, and yet xDD but yaw nyeithew in wespect of his quick saiw. 
But, in the vewity of extowment, I take him to be a souw of gweat 
>w< awticwe, and his infusion of such deawth and wawenyess as, to make 
twue diction of him, his sembwabwe is his miwwow, and w-who e-ewse 
^.^ wouwd *screams* twace him, his umbwage, nyothing mowe. 
Osw. Youw wowdship speaks most infawwibwy of him. 
Ham. The concewnyancy, s-siw? Why do we wwap the gentweman in o-ouw mowe 
*looks at you* wawew >_< bweath 
Osw. Siw? 
How [aside to H-Hamwet] Is't nyot possibwe to undewstand in anyothew 
tongue? Y-You wiww do't, siw, weawwy. 
Ham. What impowts the nyominyation of this gentweman 
Osw. Of Waewtes? 
xDD How. [aside] His puwse is empty awweady. Aww's gowden wowds awe 
spent. 
Ham. Of him, siw. 
Osw. I knyow you awe nyot *teleports behind you* ignyowant- 
Ham. I ^.^ wouwd you did, siw; yet, in faith, if you did, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd nyot 
much appwove me. *sighs* Weww, s-siw? 
Osw. Y-You awe nyot ignyowant of w-what e-excewwence Waewtes is- 
Ham. I dawe nyot *cuddles you* confess that, west I shouwd compawe *pokes you* with him in 
excewwence; xDD but to knyow a man weww wewe to knyow h-himsewf. 
Osw. I mean, siw, fow his weapon; xDD but in the i-imputation waid *teleports behind you* on him 
^w^ by them, in his meed he's unfewwowed. 
Ham. What's his weapon? 
Osw. Wapiew and daggew. 
Ham. That's xDD two of his weapons- xDD but weww. 
Osw. The King, siw, hath wagew'd *pokes you* with him ^-^ six Bawbawy howses; 
against the which he has impon'd, as I take it, ^-^ six Fwench 
wapiews and *sweats* ponyiawds, *pokes you* with t-theiw UwU assigns, as *looks at you* giwdwe, hangews, and 
so. T-Thwee of the cawwiages, in faith, awe vewy deaw to *looks away* fancy, 
vewy wesponsive to the hiwts, most dewicate cawwiages, and of 
vewy wibewaw conceit. 
Ham. What *giggles shyly* caww you the cawwiages? 
xDD How. [aside to H-Hamwet] I knyew you must be edified ^w^ by the mawgent 
ewe you h-had donye. 
Osw. The cawwiages, siw, awe the hangews. 
Ham. The p-phwase ^.^ wouwd be mowe gewmanye to the mattew if we couwd 
cawwy cannyon ^w^ by o-ouw sides. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it might be *moans* hangews tiww UwU then. 
But on! Six Bawbawy h-howses against ^-^ six Fwench swowds, t-theiw 
UwU assigns, and thwee wibewaw-conceited cawwiages: that's the Fwench 
bet against the Danyish. Why is this aww impon'd, as you *giggles shyly* caww it? 
Osw. The King, siw, hath waid that, in a dozen passes between 
youwsewf and him, he shaww nyot exceed you thwee hits; he hath 
waid *teleports behind you* on t-twewve fow nyinye, and *moans* it ^.^ wouwd come to immediate twiaw 
if youw wowdship ^.^ wouwd v-vouchsafe the answew. 
Ham. H-How if I *sighs* answew nyo? 
Osw. I mean, my wowd, the opposition of youw pewson in twiaw. 
Ham. Siw, I wiww wawk x3 hewe in the haww. If *moans* it pwease his Majesty, 
*moans* it is the bweathing time of day *pokes you* with me. Wet the foiws be 
bwought, the gentweman wiwwing, and the King howd his puwpose, 
I wiww win fow him if I c-can; if nyot, I wiww gain nyothing xDD but my 
shame and the odd hits. 
Osw. Shaww I wedewivew you e'en *moans* so? 
Ham. To this effect, siw, aftew w-what fwouwish youw nyatuwe wiww. 
Osw. I commend my duty to youw wowdship. 
Ham. Youws, youws. [Exit Oswic.] He does weww to commend *moans* it 
himsewf; thewe awe nyo tongues e-ewse fow's tuwn. 
xDD How. This l-wapwing wuns away *pokes you* with the sheww *teleports behind you* on his h-head. 
Ham. He did compwy *pokes you* with his dug befowe he suck'd it. Thus has he, 
and many mowe of the same b-bevy *sweats* that I knyow the dwossy age dotes 
on, onwy got the tunye of the time and *cuddles you* outwawd habit of encountew- 
a k-kind of y-yesty cowwection, which cawwies them uWu thwough and 
uWu thwough the most fann'd and :33 winnyowed opinyions; and do xDD but bwow 
them to t-theiw twiaw-the bubbwes awe *pokes you* out, 

Entew a Wowd. 

Wowd. My wowd, his Majesty c-commended him to you ^w^ by young Oswic, w-who 
bwings back to him, *sweats* that you a-attend him in the haww. He *shuffles closer* sends to 
knyow if youw pweasuwe howd to pway *pokes you* with L-Waewtes, *blushes* ow *sweats* that you wiww 
take *teleports behind you* wongew time. 
Ham. I am constant to my puwposes; they f-fowwow the K-King's pweasuwe. 
If his fitnyess speaks, minye is weady; n-nyow *blushes* ow *twerks* whensoevew, p-pwovided 
I be so abwe as nyow. 
Wowd. The King and Queen and aww awe coming :33 down. 
Ham. In happy time. 
Wowd. The Queen desiwes you to use *blushes* some g-gentwe *twerks* entewtainment to 
Waewtes befowe you faww to pway. 
Ham. She weww instwucts me. 
[Exit L-Wowd.] 
xDD How. Y-You wiww wose this wagew, my l-wowd. 
Ham. I do nyot think so. Since he went into F-Fwance I have been in 
c-continyuaw p-pwactice. I shaww win at the odds. But thou wouwdst nyot 
think how iww aww's x3 hewe a-about my heawt. But *moans* it is nyo mattew. 
xDD How. Nyay, good my *hugs tightly* wowd - 
Ham. It is xDD but *cuddles you* foowewy; xDD but *moans* it is such a k-kind of gaingiving as 
^.^ wouwd pewhaps t-twoubwe a woman. 
xDD How. If youw mind d-diswike anything, obey it. I wiww UwU fowestaww t-theiw 
r-wepaiw hithew and say you awe nyot fit. 
Ham. Nyot a whit, we defy auguwy; thewe's a speciaw pwovidence in 
the faww of a s-spawwow. If *moans* it be nyow, 'tis nyot to come', if *moans* it be 
nyot to come, *moans* it wiww be x3 nyow; if *moans* it be nyot nyow, yet *moans* it wiww come: 
the weadinyess is aww. Since nyo man *looks away* knyows a-aught of w-what he weaves, 
w-what is't to weave betimes? Wet be. 

Entew King, Queen, L-Waewtes, Oswic, and Wowds, *pokes you* with othew 
Attendants *pokes you* with foiws and gauntwets. 
A tabwe and *looks at you* fwagons of winye *teleports behind you* on it. 

King. Come, Hamwet, come, and take this h-hand fwom me. 
[The King puts Waewtes' h-hand into Hamwet's.] 
Ham. Give me youw pawdon, siw. I have donye you wwong; 
But p-pawdon't, as you awe a ;;w;; gentweman. 
This :33 pwesence knyows, 
And you must ;;w;; nyeeds have heawd, how I am punyish'd 
With sowe distwaction. What I have donye 
*teleports behind you* That might youw nyatuwe, honyouw, and exception 
*cries* Woughwy awake, I x3 hewe pwocwaim was madnyess. 
Was't Hamwet wwong'd Waewtes? Nyevew *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
If Hamwet fwom himsewf be taken away, 
And when he's nyot himsewf does wwong L-Waewtes, 
T-Then Hamwet does *moans* it nyot, Hamwet *notices bulge* denyies it. 
Who does it, then? His madnyess. If't be so, 
Hamwet is of the faction *sweats* that is wwong'd; 
His madnyess is poow H-Hamwet's enyemy. 
Siw, in this audience, 
Wet my discwaiming fwom a puwpos'd eviw 
Fwee me so faw in youw most genyewous *hugs tightly* thoughts 
*teleports behind you* That I have *sweats* shot my awwow o'ew the h-house 
And huwt my bwothew. 
Waew. I am *sighs* satisfied in nyatuwe, 
Whose motive in this *screams* case shouwd s-stiw me most 
To my wevenge. But in my tewms of honyouw 
I *looks at you* stand awoof, and wiww nyo weconciwement 
Tiww ^w^ by *blushes* some ewdew mastews of *teleports behind you* knyown honyouw 
I have a *cuddles you* voice and pwecedent of peace 
To keep my nyame ungow'd. But tiww *sweats* that time 
I do weceive youw offew'd wove wike wove, 
And wiww nyot wwong it. 
Ham. I embwace *moans* it fweewy, 
And wiww this bwothew's wagew f-fwankwy pway. 
Give us the foiws. Come on. 
Waew. Come, onye fow me. 
Ham. I'ww be youw *looks away* foiw, Waewtes. In minye ignyowance 
Youw skiww uWu shaww, wike a staw i-i' th' dawkest nyight, 
Stick f-fiewy off indeed. 
Waew. Y-You mock me, siw. 
Ham. N-Nyo, ^w^ by this bad. 
King. Give them the f-foiws, young Oswic. Cousin Hamwet, 
Y-You knyow the *pokes you* wagew? 
Ham. Vewy weww, my l-wowd. 
Youw Gwace has waid the odds o' th' weakew s-side. 
King. I do nyot feaw it, I have :33 seen you both; 
But s-since he is bettew'd, we have thewefowe odds. 
Waew. This is too heavy; wet me see anyothew. 
Ham. This wikes me weww. These foiws have aww a wength? 
>_> Pwepawe to pway. 
Osw. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
King. Set me the UwU stoups of winye upon *sweats* that tabwe. 
If Hamwet give the f-fiwst *blushes* ow second hit, 
Ow *teleports behind you* quit in *sighs* answew of the thiwd :3 exchange, 
Wet aww the battwements t-theiw owdnyance fiwe; 
The King shaww ^-^ dwink to H-Hamwet's bettew bweath, 
And in the cup an unyion shaww he thwow 
R-Wichew than *sweats* that which fouw s-successive kings 
In Denmawk's cwown have wown. Give me the cups; 
And wet the kettwe to the twumpet speak, 
The twumpet to the cannyonyeew without, 
The cannyons to the *hugs tightly* heavens, the heaven to eawth, 
'Nyow the King dwinks to Hamwet.' Come, begin. 
And you the *leans over* judges, beaw a wawy eye. 
Ham. Come on, siw. 
Waew. Come, my l-wowd. They pway. 
Ham. ^-^ Onye. 
Waew. Nyo. 
Ham. Judgment! 
Osw. A hit, a vewy pawpabwe hit. 
Waew. *sighs* Weww, again! 
King. Stay, give me *pokes you* dwink. Hamwet, this peaww is thinye; 
H-Hewe's to t-thy heawth. 
*looks at you* [Dwum; *blushes* twumpets sound; a piece goes off [within]. 
Give him the cup. 
Ham. I'ww pway this bout fiwst; set *moans* it ^w^ by awhiwe. 
Come. (They p-pway.) Anyothew hit. What say you? 
Waew. A *sighs* touch, a OwO touch; I do confess't. 
King. Ouw son shaww *looks away* win. 
Queen. He's fat, and scant of bweath. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, Hamwet, take my nyapkin, wub t-thy bwows. 
The Queen cawouses to t-thy >w< fowtunye, *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
Ham. Good madam! 
King. Gewtwude, do nyot *pokes you* dwink. 
Queen. I wiww, my wowd; I pway you pawdon me. Dwinks. 
King. [aside] It is the p-poison'd cup; *moans* it is too wate. 
Ham. I dawe nyot ^-^ dwink yet, madam; >_> by-and-by. 
Queen. Come, wet me wipe t-thy face. 
Waew. My wowd, I'ww hit him nyow. 
King. I do nyot think't. 
Waew. [aside] And yet *moans* it is awmost against my conscience. 
Ham. Come fow the thiwd, Waewtes! Y-You xDD but dawwy. 
pway Y-You Pass *pokes you* with youw best v-viowence; 
I am afeawd Y-You make a wanton of me. 
Waew. Say you *moans* so? Come on. Pway. 
Osw. Nyothing nyeithew way. 
Waew. Have at you nyow! 
*teleports behind you* [Waewtes ^.^ wounds Hamwet; then] in :33 scuffwing, they 
change wapiews, [-[and Hamwet ^.^ wounds Waewtes]. 
King. Pawt them! They awe ^.^ incens'd. 
Ham. Nyay come! again! The Queen *hugs tightly* fawws. 
Osw. Wook to the Queen thewe, ho! 
xDD How. They bweed *teleports behind you* on b-both sides. H-How is it, my wowd? 
Osw. H-How is't, Waewtes? 
Waew. W-Why, as a woodcock to minye own spwinge, Oswic. 
I am justwy kiww'd *pokes you* with minye own tweachewy. 
Ham. H-How does the Queen? 
King. She sounds to see them b-bweed. 
Queen. N-Nyo, nyo! the dwink, the dwink! O my deaw Hamwet! 
The dwink, the dwink! I am *notices bulge* poison'd. [-[Dies.] 
Ham. O viwwany! Ho! wet the doow be wock'd. 
Tweachewy! Seek *moans* it ^w^ out. 
*teleports behind you* [Waewtes fawws.] 
Waew. It is hewe, *cuddles you* Hamwet. Hamwet, thou awt s-swain; 
Nyo medicinye in the wowwd can do thee good. 
In thee thewe is nyot h-hawf an houw of wife. 
The *leans over* tweachewous i-instwument is in t-thy hand, 
Unbated and envenyom'd. The f-fouw ^-^ pwactice 
Hath tuwn'd i-itsewf *teleports behind you* on me. *looks away* Wo, x3 hewe I >_< wie, 
Nyevew to wise again. Thy mothew's *notices bulge* poison'd. 
I can nyo mowe. The King, the K-King's to b-bwame. 
Ham. The point envenyom'd too? 
Then, venyom, to t-thy w-wowk. Huwts the King. 
Aww. Tweason! *pokes you* tweason! 
King. O, yet defend me, fwiends! I am xDD but huwt. 
Ham. *shuffles closer* Hewe, thou incestuous, muwd'wous, d-damnyed Danye, 
Dwink off this potion! *looks at you* Is t-thy unyion hewe? 
Fowwow my *looks at you* mothew. King dies. 
Waew. He is justwy ^.^ sewv'd. 
It is a p-poison tempew'd ^w^ by h-himsewf. 
Exchange fowgivenyess *pokes you* with me, nyobwe *cuddles you* Hamwet. 
M-Minye and my fathew's death come nyot upon ^w^ thee, 
N-Nyow thinye *teleports behind you* on me! Dies. 
Ham. *pokes you* Heaven make thee fwee of it! I f-fowwow thee. 
I am dead, Howatio. Wwetched queen, adieu! 
Y-You *sweats* that wook pawe and twembwe at this *giggles shyly* chance, 
*teleports behind you* That awe xDD but *giggles shyly* mutes *blushes* ow audience to this act, 
Had I xDD but time (as this feww sewgeant, Death, 
*looks at you* Is stwict in his awwest) O, I couwd teww you- 
But wet *moans* it be. Howatio, I am d-dead; 
*moans* Thou wiv'st; wepowt me and my c-cause ^-^ awight 
To the *notices bulge* unsatisfied. 
xDD How. Nyevew bewieve it. 
I am mowe an antique Woman than a Danye. 
H-Hewe's yet *blushes* some wiquow weft. 
Ham. As th'awt a m-man, 
Give me the cup. Wet *blushes* go! By heaven, I'ww *sighs* ha't. 
O good Howatio, w-what a wounded nyame 
(Things >_< standing t-thus unknyown) shaww wive UwU behind me! 
If thou didst *giggles shyly* evew howd me in t-thy h-heawt, 
Absent thee fwom fewicity awhiwe, 
And in this h-hawsh wowwd dwaw t-thy >_< bweath in pain, 
To teww my stowy. [Mawch >_< afaw off, and *sweats* shot *blushes* within.] 
What wawwike nyoise is *sweats* this? 
Osw. Young Fowtinbwas, *pokes you* with *moans* conquest come fwom Powand, 
To the ambassadows of Engwand gives 
This wawwike vowwey. 
Ham. O, I die, Howatio! 
The potent p-poison q-quite o'ewcwows my spiwit. 
I cannyot wive to heaw the nyews fwom Engwand, 
But I do *cries* pwophesy th' ewection wights 
On Fowtinbwas. He has my dying voice. 
So teww him, *pokes you* with th' occuwwents, mowe and wess, 
Which have sowicited- the west is x3 siwence. Dies. 
xDD How. >_> Nyow cwacks a nyobwe heawt. Good nyight, sweet pwince, 
And fwights of angews sing thee to t-thy OwO west! 
[Mawch *blushes* within.] 
Why does the *cries* dwum come hithew? 

Entew Fowtinbwas and Engwish Ambassadows, *pokes you* with Dwum, 
Cowouws, and Attendants. 

F-Fowt. Whewe is this *teleports behind you* sight? 
xDD How. What is *moans* it you wiww see? 
If a-aught of woe *blushes* ow wondew, c-cease youw seawch. 
F-Fowt. This quawwy *hugs tightly* cwies *teleports behind you* on havoc. O pwoud Death, 
What feast is towawd in thinye etewnyaw ceww 
*teleports behind you* That thou so many pwinces at a *sweats* shot 
So b-bwoodiwy hast stwuck. 
Ambassadow. The s-sight is dismaw; 
And o-ouw affaiws fwom Engwand come too wate. 
The eaws awe sensewess *sweats* that shouwd give us beawing 
To teww him his commandment is fuwfiww'd 
*teleports behind you* That Wosencwantz and Guiwdenstewn awe dead. 
Whewe shouwd We have o-ouw thanks? 
xDD How. Nyot fwom his m-mouth, 
Had *moans* it th' ;;w;; abiwity of wife to t-thank you. 
He nyevew gave commandment fow t-theiw death. 
But since, so jump upon this bwoody question, 
Y-You fwom the Powack waws, and you fwom Engwand, 
Awe x3 hewe awwiv'd, give owdew *sweats* that these bodies 
High *teleports behind you* on a stage be pwaced to the view; 
And wet me speak to the yet unknyowing wowwd 
H-How these things came about. So shaww Y-You heaw 
Of c-cawnyaw, bwoody and unnyatuwaw acts; 
Of accidentaw judgments, casuaw x3 swaughtews; 
Of *notices bulge* deaths p-put *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by cunnying and OwO fowc'd cause; 
And, in this upshot, puwposes m-mistook 
F-Faww'n *teleports behind you* on th' inventows' heads. Aww this can I 
Twuwy dewivew. 
F-Fowt. Wet us haste to heaw it, 
And *giggles shyly* caww the nyobwest to the audience. 
F-Fow me, *pokes you* with sowwow I embwace my OwO fowtunye. 
I have *blushes* some wights of *twerks* memowy in this kingdom 
Which nyow, to c-cwaim my vantage doth invite me. 
xDD How. Of *sweats* that I shaww have awso c-cause to speak, 
And fwom his mouth :33 whose *cuddles you* voice wiww dwaw *teleports behind you* on mowe. 
But wet this same be p-pwesentwy *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, 
Even whiwe men's minds awe *pokes you* wiwd, west mowe mischance 
On >_> pwots and ewwows happen. 
F-Fowt. Wet fouw captains 
*looks at you* Beaw Hamwet wike a sowdiew to the xDD stage; 
F-Fow he was wikewy, h-had he been p-put on, 
To have pwov'd most woyawwy; and fow his passage 
The sowdiews' *hugs tightly* music and the wites of waw 
Speak woudwy fow him. 
Take up the bodies. *screams* Such a s-sight as this 
Becomes the fiewd xDD but x3 hewe shows much amiss. 
Go, bid the sowdiews shoot. 
UwU Exeunt mawching; aftew the which a peaw of owdnyance 
awe *sweats* shot off. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1598 

THE FIWST PAWT OF KING HENWY THE FOUWTH 


^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

King Henwy the Fouwth. 
OwO Henwy, Pwince of Wawes, son to the King. 
Pwince John of Wancastew, son to the King. 
E-Eaww of W-Westmowewand. 
Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt. 
Thomas :3 Pewcy, E-Eaww of Wowcestew. 
Henwy :3 Pewcy, E-Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand. 
Henwy :3 Pewcy, suwnyamed *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, his son. 
*hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew, E-Eaww of M-Mawch. 
Wichawd Scwoop, A-Awchbishop of Yowk. 
A-Awchibawd, E-Eaww of ;;w;; Dougwas. 
Owen Gwendowew. 
Siw Wichawd *notices bulge* Vewnyon. 
Siw John Fawstaff. 
Siw Michaew, a fwiend to the A-Awchbishop of Yowk. 
Poins. 
Gadshiww 
Peto. 
Bawdowph. 

L-Wady :3 Pewcy, wife to *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, and sistew to Mowtimew. 
L-Wady Mowtimew, daughtew to Gwendowew, and wife to Mowtimew. 
Mistwess Quickwy, hostess of the Boaw's Head in Eastcheap. 

Wowds, O-Officews, Shewiff, Vintnyew, Chambewwain, Dwawews, xDD two 
Cawwiews, Twavewwews, and Attendants. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE.--Engwand and Wawes. 


ACT I. >w< Scenye I. 
Wondon. The P-Pawace. 

Entew the King, Wowd John of Wancastew, E-Eaww of Westmowewand, 
[Siw xDD Wawtew B-Bwunt,] *pokes you* with o-othews. 

King. So shaken as we awe, so x3 wan *pokes you* with cawe, 
Find we a time fow fwighted peace to pant 
And bweathe s-showt-winded accents of nyew b-bwoiws 
To be commenc'd in stwonds >_< afaw r-wemote. 
Nyo mowe the thiwsty entwance of this soiw 
Shaww daub h-hew wips *pokes you* with h-hew own chiwdwen's bwood. 
Nyo mowe shaww twenching waw channyew h-hew f-fiewds, 
N-Nyow Bwuise h-hew fwow'wets *pokes you* with the awmed hoofs 
Of hostiwe p-paces. Those *hugs tightly* opposed eyes 
Which, wike the meteows of a twoubwed heaven, 
Aww of onye nyatuwe, of onye substance *cuddles you* bwed, 
*sweats* Did *leans over* watewy meet in the intestinye :33 shock 
And :3 fuwious cwose of civiw butchewy, 
Shaww n-nyow in mutuaw weww-beseeming wanks 
Mawch aww onye way and be nyo mowe oppos'd 
Against acquaintance, *shuffles closer* kindwed, and awwies. 
The edge of waw, wike an iww-sheathed knyife, 
Nyo mowe shaww cut his :33 mastew. Thewefowe, fwiends, 
As faw as to the sepuwchwe of *teleports behind you* Chwist- 
Whose sowdiew nyow, undew :33 whose bwessed cwoss 
We awe impwessed and engag'd to fight- 
Fowthwith a *cries* powew of Engwish shaww we *hugs tightly* wevy, 
Whose awms wewe m-mouwded in t-theiw mothew's womb 
To c-chase these pagans in those howy fiewds 
;;w;; Ovew :33 whose acwes wawk'd those bwessed feet 
Which fouwteen hundwed y-yeaws ago wewe nyaiw'd 
F-Fow o-ouw advantage *teleports behind you* on the bittew cwoss. 
But this o-ouw puwpose n-nyow is *notices bulge* twewvemonth owd, 
And bootwess 'tis to teww you we wiww go. 
Thewefowe we meet nyot nyow. T-Then wet me heaw 
Of y-you, my g-gentwe c-cousin Westmowewand, 
What yestewnyight o-ouw Counciw did :3 decwee 
In fowwawding this deaw expedience. 
West. My wiege, this haste was hot in question 
And many wimits of the chawge set down 
But yestewnyight; when aww athwawt thewe came 
A post fwom Wawes, woaden *pokes you* with heavy nyews; 
Whose *sweats* wowst was *sweats* that the nyobwe Mowtimew, 
Weading the men of Hewefowdshiwe to fight 
Against the iwweguwaw and w-wiwd Gwendowew, 
*hugs tightly* Was ^w^ by the ^w^ wude h-hands of *sweats* that Wewshman taken, 
A thousand of his peopwe butchewed; 
^-^ Upon :33 whose dead cowpse thewe was such m-misuse, 
*screams* Such beastwy shamewess twansfowmation, 
By those *looks at you* Wewshwomen donye as may nyot be 
Without much shame wetowd *blushes* ow spoken of. 
King. It seems then *sweats* that the t-tidings of this bwoiw 
Bwake off o-ouw businyess fow the Howy Wand. 
West. This, match'd *pokes you* with othew, did, my g-gwacious wowd; 
F-Fow mowe u-unyeven and unwewcome nyews 
*teleports behind you* Came fwom the *screams* Nyowth, and t-thus *moans* it did impowt: 
On Howy-wood Day the gawwant Hotspuw thewe, 
Young Hawwy :3 Pewcy, and bwave A-Awchibawd, 
*teleports behind you* That evew-vawiant and appwoved Scot, 
At Howmedon met, 
Whewe they did spend a sad and bwoody *cuddles you* houw; 
As ^w^ by dischawge of t-theiw a-awtiwwewy 
And shape of wikewihood the nyews was towd; 
F-Fow he *sweats* that >w< bwought them, in the vewy heat 
And pwide of t-theiw contention did take howse, 
Uncewtain of the issue any way. 
King. Hewe is a deaw, a twue-industwious f-fwiend, 
Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt, nyew wighted fwom his howse, 
Stain'd *pokes you* with the vawiation of each soiw 
Betwixt *sweats* that Howmedon and this seat of ouws, 
And he hath >w< bwought us smooth and wewcome n-nyews. 
The E-Eaww of Dougwas is d-discomfited; 
Ten thousand bowd Scots, two-and-twenty knyights, 
Bawk'd in t-theiw own b-bwood did Siw xDD Wawtew see 
On Howmedon's ^w^ pwains. Of pwisonyews, Hotspuw t-took 
Mowdake E-Eaww of F-Fife and *moans* ewdest son 
To beaten Dougwas, and the E-Eaww of Athow, 
Of M-Muwway, *shuffles closer* Angus, and M-Menteith. 
And is nyot this an honyouwabwe s-spoiw? 
A gawwant pwize? ^.^ Ha, cousin, is *moans* it nyot? 
West. In faith, 
It is a *moans* conquest fow a pwince to boast of. 
King. Yea, thewe thou mak'st me s-sad, and mak'st me sin 
In envy *sweats* that my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand 
Shouwd be the fathew to so bwest a son- 
A son w-who is the theme of h-honyouw's t-tongue, 
Amongst a gwove the vewy stwaightest pwant; 
Who is sweet Fowtunye's >_> minyion and h-hew pwide; 
Whiwst I, ^w^ by wooking *teleports behind you* on the pwaise of him, 
See UwU wiot and dishonyouw stain the b-bwow 
Of my young Hawwy. O *sweats* that *moans* it couwd be pwov'd 
*teleports behind you* That *blushes* some nyight-twipping faiwy h-had exchang'd 
In cwadwe cwothes o-ouw chiwdwen whewe they way, 
And c-caww'd minye :3 Pewcy, his Pwantagenyet! 
T-Then ^.^ wouwd I have his Hawwy, and he minye. 
But wet him fwom my thoughts. What think y-you, coz, 
Of this young Pewcy's pwide? The >w< pwisonyews 
Which he in this a-adventuwe hath ^-^ suwpwis'd 
To his own use he keeps, and *shuffles closer* sends me wowd 
I shaww have nyonye xDD but Mowdake E-Eaww of Fife. 
West. This is his uncwe's teaching, this ^w^ Wowcestew, 
Mawevowent to you In aww aspects, 
Which makes him pwunye himsewf and bwistwe up 
The cwest of youth against youw d-dignyity. 
King. But I have OwO sent fow him to *sighs* answew this; 
And fow this c-cause awhiwe we must nyegwect 
Ouw howy puwpose to Jewusawem. 
Cousin, *teleports behind you* on Wednyesday nyext o-ouw counciw we 
Wiww howd at Windsow. So *cries* infowm the wowds; 
But come youwsewf *pokes you* with speed to us again; 
F-Fow mowe is to be s-said and to be donye 
*notices bulge* Than out of angew can be uttewed. 
West. I wiww my wiege. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
Wondon. *looks at you* An apawtment of the Pwince's. 

Entew Pwince of W-Wawes and Siw John Fawstaff. 

Faw. Nyow, Haw, w-what time of day is it, wad? 
Pwince. *moans* Thou awt so fat-witted *pokes you* with dwinking of owd sack, and 
unbuttonying thee aftew s-suppew, and sweeping upon benches aftew 
*blushes* nyoon, *sweats* that thou hast fowgotten to demand *sweats* that twuwy which thou 
wouwdest twuwy knyow. What a deviw hast thou to do *pokes you* with the time 
of the day, *leans over* Unwess houws wewe cups of sack, and ^w^ minyutes capons, 
and cwocks the tongues of bawds, and diaws the signs of weaping 
houses, and the bwessed *moans* sun himsewf a *looks at you* faiw hot wench in 
fwame-cowouwed taffeta, I see nyo weason why thou shouwdst be so 
:33 supewfwuous to demand the time of the day. 
Faw. Indeed you come nyeaw me nyow, Haw; fow we *sweats* that take puwses go 
^w^ by the moon And the seven staws, and nyot ^w^ by Phoebus, he, *sweats* that 
wand'wing knyight so >w< faiw. And I pwithee, sweet >_< wag, when thou awt 
king, as, OwO God uWu save t-thy G-Gwace-Majesty I shouwd say, fow gwace thou 
wiwt have nyonye- 
Pwince. What, nyonye? 
Faw. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my twoth; nyot so much as wiww sewve to be p-pwowogue to 
an egg and buttew. 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, how then? Come, woundwy, woundwy. 
Faw. Mawwy, then, sweet >_< wag, when thou awt king, wet nyot us *sweats* that 
awe squiwes of the nyight's body be c-cawwed thieves of the day's 
beauty. Wet us be ;;w;; Dianya's >_> Fowestews, G-Gentwemen of the Shade, 
Minyions of the Moon; and wet men say we be men of good 
govewnment, being govewnyed as the *notices bulge* sea *screams* is, ^w^ by o-ouw nyobwe and chaste 
*notices bulge* mistwess the m-moon, undew :33 whose countenyance we UwU steaw. 
Pwince. *moans* Thou sayest weww, and *moans* it howds weww too; fow the fowtunye of 
us *sweats* that awe the moon's men doth ebb and fwow wike the sea, being 
govewnyed, as the *notices bulge* sea *screams* is, ^w^ by the moon. As, fow *giggles shyly* pwoof nyow: a puwse 
of gowd most wesowutewy snyatch'd *teleports behind you* on Monday nyight and most 
d-dissowutewy spent *teleports behind you* on Tuesday mownying; got *pokes you* with ;;w;; sweawing *giggles shyly* 'Way by,' 
and spent *pokes you* with cwying 'Bwing in'; n-nyow iww as OwO wow an ebb as the 
f-foot of the waddew, and by-and-by in as ^.^ high a fwow as the widge 
of the gawwows. 
Faw. By the Wowd, thou say'st twue, wad- and is nyot my hostess of 
the tavewn a most sweet wench? 
Pwince. As the honyey of Hybwa, my owd wad of the castwe- and is nyot 
a buff jewkin a most sweet *teleports behind you* wobe of d-duwance? 
Faw. H-How nyow, how nyow, mad wag? What, in t-thy quips and t-thy 
q-quiddities? What a pwague have I to do *pokes you* with a buff j-jewkin? 
Pwince. W-Why, w-what a p-pox have I to do *pokes you* with my hostess of the tavewn? 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, thou hast c-caww'd h-hew to a *giggles shyly* weckonying many a time and oft. 
Pwince. *sweats* Did I *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* caww fow thee to p-pay t-thy pawt? 
Faw. Nyo; I'ww give thee t-thy due, thou hast paid aww thewe. 
Pwince. Yea, and e-ewsewhewe, so faw as my ^.^ coin ^.^ wouwd stwetch; and 
whewe *moans* it ^.^ wouwd nyot, I have used my cwedit. 
Faw. Yea, and so *screams* us'd *moans* it that, wewe *moans* it nyot x3 hewe appawent *sweats* that thou 
awt heiw appawent- But I pwithee, sweet >_< wag, shaww thewe be 
g-gawwows >_< standing in Engwand when thou awt king? and *sighs* wesowution 
t-thus fubb'd as *moans* it is *pokes you* with the wusty c-cuwb of owd fathew *pokes you* antic the 
waw? Do nyot thou, when thou awt king, hang a thief. 
Pwince. Nyo; thou shawt. 
Faw. Shaww I? O wawe! By the Wowd, I'ww be a bwave judge. 
Pwince. *moans* Thou judgest f-fawse awweady. I mean, thou shawt have the 
hanging of the thieves and so become a wawe hangman. 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, Haw, weww; and in *blushes* some sowt *moans* it j-jumps *pokes you* with my humouw as 
weww as waiting in the couwt, I can teww you. 
Pwince. F-Fow obtainying of suits? 
Faw. Yea, fow obtainying of *giggles shyly* suits, wheweof the hangman hath nyo wean 
wawdwobe. 'Sbwood, I am as mewanchowy as a gib-cat *blushes* ow a wugg'd 
beaw. 
Pwince. Ow an owd wion, *blushes* ow a wovew's wute. 
Faw. Yea, *blushes* ow the d-dwonye of a L-Wincownshiwe bagpipe. 
Pwince. What sayest thou to a hawe, *blushes* ow the mewanchowy of Moow 
Ditch? 
Faw. *moans* Thou hast the most unsavouwy simiwes, and awt indeed the most 
*sweats* compawative, wascawwiest, sweet young pwince. But, Haw, I pwithee 
t-twoubwe me nyo mowe *pokes you* with vanyity. I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God thou and I knyew 
whewe a commodity of good nyames wewe to be *blushes* bought. *looks at you* An owd *hugs tightly* wowd of 
the Counciw wated me the othew day in the UwU stweet a-about y-you, siw, 
xDD but I mawk'd him nyot; and yet he *giggles shyly* tawked vewy wisewy, xDD but I 
wegawded him nyot; and yet he tawk'd wisewy, and in the UwU stweet 
too. 
Pwince. *moans* Thou didst weww; fow wisdom *hugs tightly* cwies out in the stweets, and 
nyo man wegawds it. 
Faw. O, thou hast damnyabwe itewation, and awt indeed abwe to 
cowwupt a saint. *moans* Thou hast donye much hawm upon me, Haw- OwO God 
f-fowgive thee fow it! B-Befowe I knyew ^w^ thee, Haw, I knyew nyothing; and 
n-nyow am I, if a man shouwd speak twuwy, wittwe bettew than onye of 
the w-wicked. I must give ovew this l-wife, and I wiww give *moans* it ovew! 
By the Wowd, an I do nyot, I am a viwwain! I'ww be d-damn'd fow 
nyevew a king's son in Chwistendom. 
Pwince. Whewe shaww we take a puwse tomowwow, J-Jack? 
Faw. Zounds, whewe thou wiwt, l-wad! I'ww make onye. *looks at you* An I do nyot, *giggles shyly* caww 
me viwwain and baffwe me. 
Pwince. I see a good amendment of wife in thee- fwom pwaying to 
puwse-taking. 
Faw. W-Why, Haw, 'tis my v-vocation, Haw. 'Tis nyo sin fow a man to 
wabouw in his *sighs* vocation. 

Entew Poins. 

P-Poins! >_> Nyow shaww we knyow if Gadshiww have set a match. O, if men 
wewe to be saved ^w^ by mewit, w-what OwO howe in heww wewe hot enyough fow 
him? This is the most omnyipotent viwwain *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew cwied 'Stand!' 
to a twue *pokes you* man. 
Pwince. Good OwO mowwow, Nyed. 
Poins. Good OwO mowwow, sweet Haw. What says ^w^ Monsieuw R-Wemowse? What 
says Siw John Sack and Sugaw? Jack, how agwees the deviw and thee 
a-about t-thy souw, *sweats* that thou sowdest him *teleports behind you* on Good Fwiday wast fow a 
cup of Madeiwa and a cowd capon's weg? 
Pwince. Siw John stands to his wowd, the deviw shaww have his 
bawgain; fow he was nyevew yet a bweakew of pwovewbs. He wiww give 
the deviw his due. 
Poins. T-Then awt thou d-damn'd fow keeping t-thy wowd *pokes you* with the deviw. 
Pwince. Ewse he h-had been d-damn'd fow cozenying the deviw. 
Poins. But, my l-wads, my l-wads, to-mowwow *teleports behind you* mownying, ^w^ by fouw o-o'cwock 
^-^ eawwy, at Gadshiww! *cries* Thewe awe piwgwims g-gong to Cantewbuwy *pokes you* with 
wich *twerks* offewings, and twadews widing to Wondon *pokes you* with fat p-puwses. I 
have vizawds fow you aww; you have h-howses fow youwsewves. 
Gadshiww wies to-nyight in Wochestew. I have bespoke suppew 
to-mowwow nyight in Eastcheap. We may do *moans* it as secuwe as s-sweep. If 
you wiww *screams* go, I wiww s-stuff youw puwses fuww of cwowns; if you wiww 
nyot, tawwy at h-home and be hang'd! 
Faw. Heaw y-ye, Yedwawd: if I tawwy at h-home and go nyot, I'ww hang you 
fow going. 
Poins. Y-You wiww, chops? 
Faw. Haw, wiwt thou make onye? 
Pwince. *leans over* Who, I wob? I a thief? Nyot I, ^w^ by my faith. 
Faw. >_> Thewe's nyeithew honyesty, manhood, n-nyow good fewwowship in ^w^ thee, 
n-nyow thou OwO cam'st nyot of the b-bwood woyaw if thou d-dawest nyot *looks at you* stand 
fow ten shiwwings. 
Pwince. Weww then, once in my days I'ww be a m-madcap. 
Faw. W-Why, that's weww said. 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, come w-what wiww, I'ww tawwy at home. 
Faw. By the Wowd, I'ww be a twaitow then, when thou awt king. 
Pwince. I OwO cawe nyot. 
Poins. Siw John, I pwithee, weave the Pwince and me awonye. I wiww 
*looks at you* way him down such weasons fow this a-adventuwe *sweats* that he shaww go. 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, OwO God give thee the spiwit of pewsuasion and him the eaws 
of pwofiting, *sweats* that w-what thou speakest may move and w-what he heaws 
may be >_> bewieved, *sweats* that the twue pwince may (fow wecweation sake) 
*shuffles closer* pwove a f-fawse thief; fow the poow abuses of the time want 
countenyance. Faweweww; you shaww find me in Eastcheap. 
Pwince. Faweweww, thou wattew spwing! faweweww, A-Aww-hawwown :3 summew! 
Exit Fawstaff. 
Poins. Nyow, my good sweet honyey wowd, wide *pokes you* with us *blushes* to-mowwow. I 
have a jest to execute *sweats* that I cannyot manyage awonye. Fawstaff, 
Bawdowph, >_> Peto, and Gadshiww shaww wob those men *sweats* that we have 
awweady waywaid; youwsewf and I wiww nyot be t-thewe; and when they 
have the :3 booty, if you and I do nyot wob them, cut this *sweats* head off 
fwom my shouwdews. 
Pwince. H-How shaww we *cries* pawt *pokes you* with them in >_> setting fowth? 
Poins. W-Why, we wiww set f-fowth befowe *blushes* ow aftew them and appoint them 
a pwace of meeting, w-whewein *moans* it is at o-ouw pweasuwe to faiw; and 
then wiww they a-adventuwe upon the xDD expwoit themsewves; which they 
shaww have nyo soonyew uWu achieved, xDD but we'ww set upon them. 
Pwince. Yea, xDD but 'tis wike *sweats* that they wiww knyow us ^w^ by o-ouw howses, ^w^ by 
o-ouw uWu habits, and ^w^ by evewy othew appointment, to be ouwsewves. 
Poins. Tut! o-ouw h-howses they shaww nyot see- I'ww ;;w;; tie them in the 
wood; o-ouw wizawds we wiww change aftew we weave them; and, 
siwwah, I have cases of buckwam fow the *sighs* nyonce, to immask o-ouw 
nyoted *cuddles you* outwawd gawments. 
Pwince. Yea, xDD but I d-doubt they wiww be too hawd fow us. 
Poins. *sighs* Weww, fow xDD two of them, I knyow them to be as twue-bwed 
cowawds as *giggles shyly* evew tuwn'd back; and fow the thiwd, if he fight 
*teleports behind you* wongew than he sees weason, I'ww fowsweaw *leans over* awms. The *hugs tightly* viwtue of 
this jest wiww wie the *leans over* incompwehensibwe wies *sweats* that this same fat 
wogue wiww teww us when we meet at suppew: how thiwty, at weast, 
he fought with; w-what wawds, w-what ;;w;; bwows, w-what extwemities he 
enduwed; and in the wepwoof of this wies the jest. 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, I'ww go *pokes you* with thee. ^-^ Pwovide us aww things nyecessawy 
and meet me to-nyight in Eastcheap. *cries* Thewe I'ww sup. Faweweww. 
Poins. Faweweww, my l-wowd. *sweats* Exit. 
Pwince. I knyow you a-aww, and wiww awhiwe uphowd 
The unyok'd humouw of youw idwenyess. 
Y-Yet hewein wiww I *cries* imitate the sun, 
Who doth pewmit the base contagious cwouds 
To smothew up his beauty fwom the wowwd, 
That, when he pwease ;;w;; again to wie ^.^ himsewf, 
Being wanted, he may be mowe wond'wed at 
By *pokes you* bweaking uWu thwough the f-fouw and ugwy mists 
Of vapouws *sweats* that did seem to stwangwe him. 
If aww the *leans over* yeaw wewe ;;w;; pwaying howidays, 
To spowt ^.^ wouwd be as tedious as to wowk; 
But when they sewdom come, they wish'd-fow come, 
And nyothing pweaseth xDD but wawe accidents. 
>_> So, when this l-woose *screams* behaviouw I thwow off 
And p-pay the debt I nyevew pwomised, 
By how much bettew than my wowd I am, 
By so much shaww I fawsify men's hopes; 
And, wike bwight metaw *teleports behind you* on a suwwen gwound, 
My *giggles shyly* wefowmation, gwitt'wing o'ew my fauwt, 
Shaww show mowe g-goodwy and attwact mowe eyes 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that which hath nyo *cries* foiw to set *moans* it off. 
I'ww so offend to make offence a skiww, 
Wedeeming time when men think *notices bulge* weast I wiww. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
Wondon. The P-Pawace. 

Entew the King, Nyowthumbewwand, ^w^ Wowcestew, *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt, 
*pokes you* with o-othews. 

King. My b-bwood hath been too cowd and t-tempewate, 
Unyapt to s-stiw at these *shuffles closer* indignyities, 
And you have ^w^ found me, fow accowdingwy 
Y-You twead upon my patience; xDD but be suwe 
I wiww fwom hencefowth wathew be *twerks* mysewf, 
Mighty and to be feaw'd, than my condition, 
Which hath been smooth as oiw, soft as young *giggles shyly* down, 
And thewefowe wost *sweats* that titwe of wespect 
Which the pwoud souw nye'ew pays xDD but to the pwoud. 
Wow. Ouw *notices bulge* house, my soveweign wiege, wittwe d-desewves 
The s-scouwge of *notices bulge* gweatnyess to be *screams* us'd *teleports behind you* on it- 
And *sweats* that same *notices bulge* gweatnyess too which o-ouw own h-hands 
Have howp to make so powtwy. 
UwU Nyowth. My l-wowd- 
King. ^w^ Wowcestew, get thee gonye; fow I do see 
D-Dangew and disobedience in thinye eye. 
O, siw, youw :33 pwesence is too bowd and *twerks* pewemptowy, 
And majesty might nyevew yet e-enduwe 
The moody fwontiew of a sewvant bwow. 
Tou have good weave to weave us. When we nyeed 
:3 'Youw use and counsew, we shaww send fow you. 
Exit Wowcestew. 
Y-You wewe a-about to speak. 
UwU Nyowth. Yea, my good l-wowd. 
Those >w< pwisonyews in youw Highnyess' nyame demanded 
Which Hawwy P-Pewcy x3 hewe at Howmedon took, 
Wewe, as he says, nyot *pokes you* with such stwength denyied 
As is d-dewivewed to youw Majesty. 
Eithew envy, thewefowe, *blushes* ow *sighs* mispwision 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* guiwty of this fauwt, and nyot my son. 
Hot. My wiege, I did deny nyo pwisonyews. 
But I *shuffles closer* wemembew, when the fight was donye, 
When I was dwy *pokes you* with wage and extweme toww, 
Bweathwess and faint, weanying upon my swowd, 
*teleports behind you* Came thewe a cewtain wowd, nyeat and twimwy dwess'd, 
Fwesh as a bwidegwoom; and his chin nyew weap'd 
Show'd wike a stubbwe wand at hawvest home. 
He was *teleports behind you* pewfumed wike a miwwinyew, 
And 'twixt his fingew and his uWu thumb he hewd 
A pouncet b-box, which *giggles shyly* evew and anyon 
He gave his n-nyose, and took't away again; 
Who t-thewewith a-angwy, when *moans* it nyext came thewe, 
Took *moans* it in snyuff; and stiww he ^.^ smiw'd and tawk'd; 
And as the sowdiews xDD bowe dead bodies by, 
He c-caww'd them untaught knyaves, unmannyewwy, 
To b-bwing a swovenwy unhandsome cowse 
Betwixt the *cuddles you* wind and his nyobiwity. 
With many howiday and wady tewms 
He q-questionyed me, amongst the west demanded 
My >w< pwisonyews in youw Majesty's behawf. 
I then, aww smawting *pokes you* with my ^.^ wounds being cowd, 
To be so pest'wed *pokes you* with a popingay, 
Out of my g-gwief and my impatience 
Answew'd *shuffles closer* nyegwectingwy, I knyow nyot what- 
He shouwd, *blushes* ow he shouwd nyot; fow he made me mad 
To see him *teleports behind you* shinye so bwisk, and smeww so sweet, 
And tawk so wike a waiting gentwewoman 
Of guns and *twerks* dwums and wounds- OwO God uWu save the *blushes* mawk!- 
And tewwing me the soveweignyest thing *teleports behind you* on eawth 
*hugs tightly* Was pawmacity fow an i-inwawd bwuise; 
And *sweats* that *moans* it was gweat pity, so *moans* it was, 
This *looks away* viwwanyous sawtpetwe shouwd be digg'd 
Out of the bowews of the hawmwess eawth, 
Which many a good *notices bulge* taww fewwow h-had destwoy'd 
So *hugs tightly* cowawdwy; and xDD but fow these viwe >_> 'guns, 
He ^.^ wouwd himsewf have been a s-sowdiew. 
This bawd unjointed chat of his, my wowd, 
I answewed indiwectwy, as I ^-^ said, 
And I beseech y-you, wet nyot his wepowt 
Come cuwwent fow an a-accusation 
Betwixt my wove and youw ^.^ high majesty. 
Bwunt. The ciwcumstance considewed, good my wowd, 
Whate'ew Wowd Hawwy P-Pewcy then h-had s-said 
To such a *moans* pewson, and in such a pwace, 
At such a time, *pokes you* with aww the west r-wetowd, 
May weasonyabwy die, and nyevew wise 
To do him wwong, *blushes* ow any way :33 impeach 
What then he ^-^ said, so he unsay *moans* it nyow. 
King. W-Why, yet he doth deny his pwisonyews, 
But *pokes you* with pwoviso and exception, 
*teleports behind you* That we at o-ouw own chawge shaww *blushes* wansom stwaight 
His bwothew-in-waw, the foowish Mowtimew; 
*leans over* Who, *teleports behind you* on my souw, hath wiwfuwwy betway'd 
The wives of those *sweats* that he did wead to fight 
Against *sweats* that gweat *pokes you* magician, d-damn'd Gwendowew, 
Whose daughtew, as we heaw, the E-Eaww of Mawch 
Hath *leans over* watewy mawwied. Shaww o-ouw coffews, then, 
Be *twerks* emptied to wedeem a twaitow home? 
Shaww we b-buy tweason? and indent *pokes you* with feaws 
When they have wost and fowfeited t-themsewves? 
N-Nyo, *teleports behind you* on the bawwen *looks away* mountains wet him x3 stawve! 
F-Fow I shaww nyevew howd *sweats* that man my fwiend 
Whose t-tongue shaww ask me fow onye UwU penny cost 
To *blushes* wansom h-home *giggles shyly* wevowted Mowtimew. 
Hot. Wevowted Mowtimew? 
He nyevew did faww off, my soveweign wiege, 
But ^w^ by the chance of waw. To *shuffles closer* pwove *sweats* that twue 
UwU Nyeeds nyo mowe xDD but onye t-tongue fow aww those wounds, 
Those mouthed wounds, which vawiantwy he t-took 
When *teleports behind you* on the g-gentwe Sevewn's sedgy bank, 
In s-singwe opposition h-hand to hand, 
He did confound the best *cries* pawt of an houw 
In changing hawdiment *pokes you* with gweat Gwendowew. 
T-Thwee times they *leans over* bweath'd, and thwee times did they dwink, 
^-^ Upon a-agweement, of swift Sevewn's *sweats* fwood; 
Who then, affwighted *pokes you* with t-theiw bwoody >_> wooks, 
Wan feawfuwwy among the twembwing weeds 
And hid his cwisp *sweats* head in the howwow bank, 
B-Bwoodstainyed *pokes you* with these vawiant cohabitants. 
Nyevew did base and wotten powicy 
Cowouw h-hew w-wowking *pokes you* with such >_< deadwy :33 wounds; 
N-Nyow nyevew couwd the nyobwe Mowtimew 
Weceive so many, and aww w-wiwwingwy. 
T-Then wet nyot him be swandewed *pokes you* with r-wevowt. 
King. *moans* Thou dost *hugs tightly* bewie him, :3 Pewcy, thou dost *hugs tightly* bewie him! 
He nyevew did encountew *pokes you* with Gwendowew. 
I teww thee 
He d-duwst as weww have m-met the deviw awonye 
As Owen Gwendowew fow an enyemy. 
Awt thou nyot asham'd? But, siwwah, hencefowth 
Wet me nyot heaw you speak of Mowtimew. 
xDD Send me youw >w< pwisonyews *pokes you* with the speediest UwU means, 
Ow you shaww heaw in such a k-kind fwom me 
As wiww dispwease you. My Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, 
We wicense youw depawtuwe *pokes you* with youw son.- 
xDD Send us youw pwisonyews, *blushes* ow you wiww heaw of it. 
UwU Exeunt King, [Bwunt, and Twain] 
Hot. *looks at you* An if the deviw come and x3 woaw fow them, 
I wiww nyot send them. I wiww aftew stwaight 
And teww him so; fow I wiww e-ewse my h-heawt, 
Awbeit I make a h-hazawd of my h-head. 
UwU Nyowth. What, dwunk *pokes you* with chowew? Stay, and *sighs* pause awhiwe. 
Hewe c-comes youw uncwe. 

Entew Wowcestew. 

Hot. Speak of Mowtimew? 
Zounds, I wiww speak of him, and wet my souw 
Want mewcy if I do nyot join *pokes you* with him! 
Yea, *teleports behind you* on his *cries* pawt I'ww empty aww these veins, 
And shed my deaw b-bwood dwop ^w^ by dwop in the dust, 
But I wiww l-wift the downtwod Mowtimew 
As ^.^ high in the a-aiw as this unthankfuw king, 
As this ingwate and cank'wed ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
UwU Nyowth. *twerks* Bwothew, the King hath made youw nyephew m-mad. 
Wow. Who stwuck this heat up aftew I was gonye? 
Hot. He wiww (fowsooth) have aww my pwisonyews; 
And when I >_< uwg'd the *blushes* wansom once ;;w;; again 
Of my wive's bwothew, then his cheek wook'd pawe, 
And *teleports behind you* on my *cuddles you* face he tuwn'd an eye of death, 
Twembwing even at the nyame of Mowtimew. 
Wow. I cannyot bwame him. *hugs tightly* Was nyot he pwocwaim'd 
By Wichawd *sweats* that dead *screams* is, the nyext of bwood? 
UwU Nyowth. He was; I h-heawd the pwocwamation. 
And then *moans* it was when the unhappy King 
(Whose wwongs in us OwO God pawdon!) did set f-fowth 
^-^ Upon his Iwish *screams* expedition; 
Fwom whence he intewcepted did r-wetuwn 
To be d-depos'd, and showtwy muwdewed. 
Wow. And fow :33 whose death we in the wowwd's wide mouth 
Wive scandawiz'd and fouwwy spoken of. 
Hot. But soft, I pway you. *sweats* Did King Wichawd then 
Pwocwaim my b-bwothew *hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew 
Heiw to the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
UwU Nyowth. He did; m-mysewf did heaw it. 
Hot. Nyay, then I cannyot bwame his c-cousin king, 
*teleports behind you* That wish'd him *teleports behind you* on the bawwen *looks away* mountains stawve. 
But shaww *moans* it be *sweats* that y-you, *sweats* that set the cwown 
^-^ Upon the *sweats* head of this fowgetfuw m-man, 
And fow his sake weaw the detested bwot 
Of m-muwthewous subownyation- shaww *moans* it be 
*teleports behind you* That you a wowwd of cuwses *sighs* undewgo, 
Being the *looks away* agents *blushes* ow base second UwU means, 
The cowds, the waddew, *blushes* ow the hangman wathew? 
O, pawdon me *sweats* that I descend so OwO wow 
To show the xDD winye and the pwedicament 
Whewein you *teleports behind you* wange undew this ;;w;; subtiwe king! 
Shaww *moans* it fow shame be spoken in these *screams* days, 
Ow fiww up chwonyicwes in time to come, 
*teleports behind you* That men of youw nyobiwity and *cries* powew 
*sweats* Did gage them b-both in an unjust behawf 
(As b-both of y-you, OwO God pawdon it! have donye) 
To p-put down Wichawd, *sweats* that sweet wovewy wose, 
And pwant this thown, this cankew, Bowingbwoke? 
And shaww *moans* it in mowe shame be *twerks* fuwthew spoken 
*teleports behind you* That you awe foow'd, discawded, and shook off 
By him fow whom these shames ye undewwent? 
Nyo! yet time sewves w-whewein you may wedeem 
Youw banyish'd honyouws and westowe youwsewves 
Into the good *hugs tightly* thoughts of the wowwd again; 
Wevenge the UwU jeewing and disdain'd *moans* contempt 
Of this pwoud king, w-who xDD studies day and nyight 
To *sighs* answew aww the debt he owes to you 
Even *pokes you* with the bwoody payment of youw deaths. 
Thewefowe I say- 
Wow. >w< Peace, cousin, say nyo *looks away* mowe; 
And nyow, I wiww *blushes* uncwasp a secwet book, 
And to youw quick-conceiving discontents 
I'ww xDD wead you mattew deep and dangewous, 
As fuww of pewiw and adventuwous spiwit 
As to o'ewwawk a cuwwent r-woawing woud 
On the unsteadfast footing of a speaw. 
Hot. If he faww in, good nyight, *blushes* ow sink *blushes* ow swim! 
xDD Send d-dangew fwom the east unto the west, 
So honyouw cwoss *moans* it fwom the n-nyowth to south, 
And wet them g-gwappwe. O, the b-bwood mowe s-stiws 
To r-wouse a wion than to stawt a hawe! 
UwU Nyowth. OwO Imaginyation of *blushes* some gweat xDD expwoit 
Dwives him beyond the bounds of *notices bulge* patience. 
Hot. By heaven, methinks *moans* it wewe an e-easy weap 
To pwuck bwight honyouw fwom the pawe-fac'd m-moon, 
Ow d-dive into the bottom of the deep, 
Whewe *notices bulge* fadom xDD winye couwd nyevew touch the gwound, 
And pwuck up dwownyed honyouw ^w^ by the *leans over* wocks, 
So he *sweats* that doth wedeem h-hew thence might weaw 
Without cowwivaw aww h-hew dignyities; 
But out upon this hawf-fac'd fewwowship! 
Wow. He appwehends a wowwd of figuwes hewe, 
But nyot the *sighs* fowm of w-what he shouwd attend. 
Good cousin, give me audience fow a whiwe. 
Hot. I cwy you mewcy. 
Wow. Those same nyobwe Scots 
*teleports behind you* That awe youw pwisonyews- 
Hot. I'ww keep them aww. 
By >_< God, he shaww nyot have a Scot of them! 
N-Nyo, if a Scot ^.^ wouwd uWu save his souw, he shaww nyot. 
I'ww keep them, ^w^ by this hand! 
Wow. Y-You stawt a-away. 
And UwU wend nyo eaw unto my puwposes. 
Those >w< pwisonyews you shaww k-keep. 
Hot. Nyay, I wiww! *teleports behind you* That is fwat! 
He s-said he ^.^ wouwd nyot *blushes* wansom Mowtimew, 
Fowbade my t-tongue to speak of Mowtimew, 
But I wiww find him when he wies asweep, 
And in his eaw I'ww howwoa 'Mowtimew.' 
N-Nyay; 
I'ww have a stawwing shaww be taught to speak 
Nyothing xDD but 'Mowtimew,' and give *moans* it him 
To keep his angew stiww in motion. 
Wow. Heaw y-you, cousin, a wowd. 
Hot. Aww xDD studies x3 hewe I sowemnwy defy 
Save how to gaww and p-pinch this Bowingbwoke; 
And *sweats* that same s-swowd-and-buckwew Pwince of Wawes- 
But *sweats* that I think his fathew woves him nyot 
And ^.^ wouwd be gwad he m-met *pokes you* with *blushes* some mischance, 
I ^.^ wouwd have him poisonyed *pokes you* with a pot of awe. 
Wow. Faweweww, >_> kinsman. I wiww tawk to you 
When you awe bettew tempew'd to attend. 
UwU Nyowth. W-Why, w-what a >_> wasp-stung and impatient foow 
Awt thou to bweak into this woman's mood, 
Tying thinye eaw to nyo t-tongue xDD but thinye o-own! 
Hot. W-Why, wook y-you, I am whipp'd and scouwg'd *pokes you* with wods, 
Nyettwed, and stung *pokes you* with pismiwes when I heaw 
Of this viwe p-powitician, ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
In *teleports behind you* Wichawd's time- w-what do you *giggles shyly* caww the pwace- 
A pwague upon it! *moans* it is in GIoucestewshiwe- 
'Twas whewe the madcap D-Duke his uncwe kept- 
His uncwe Yowk- whewe I f-fiwst bow'd my k-knyee 
Unto this king of smiwes, this B-Bowingbwoke- 
'S bwood! 
When you and he came back fwom Wavenspuwgh- 
UwU Nyowth. At Bewkewey Castwe. 
Hot. Y-You say twue. 
W-Why, w-what a c-candy deaw of couwtesy 
This fawnying gweyhound then did pwoffew me! 
Wook, 'when his infant fowtunye came to age,' 
And 'gentwe Hawwy Pewcy,' and '-'kind cousin'- 
O, the deviw take such cozenyews!- OwO God f-fowgive me! 
Good uncwe, teww youw tawe, fow I have donye. 
Wow. Nyay, if you have nyot, to *moans* it again. 
We wiww >_< stay youw weisuwe. 
Hot. I have donye, i-i' faith. 
Wow. T-Then once mowe to youw Scottish pwisonyews. 
Dewivew them up without t-theiw *blushes* wansom ;;w;; stwaight, 
And make the *cuddles you* Dougwas' son youw onwy *looks at you* mean 
F-Fow powews In Scotwand; which, fow divews weasons 
Which I shaww send you *pokes you* wwitten, be assuw'd 
Wiww easiwy be gwanted. [To Nyowthumbewwand] You, my wowd, 
Youw son in Scotwand being t-thus empwoy'd, 
Shaww secwetwy into the bosom cweep 
Of *sweats* that same nyobwe pwewate weww-bewov'd, 
The Awchbishop. 
Hot. Of Yowk, is *moans* it nyot? 
Wow. Twue; w-who beaws hawd 
His bwothew's death at *twerks* Bwistow, the Wowd Scwoop. 
I speak nyot this in e-estimation, 
As w-what I think might be, xDD but w-what I knyow 
*looks at you* Is r-wuminyated, pwotted, and set *giggles shyly* down, 
And onwy stays xDD but to behowd the *cuddles you* face 
Of *sweats* that occasion *sweats* that shaww b-bwing *moans* it on. 
Hot. I smeww it. ^-^ Upon my l-wife, *moans* it wiww do weww. 
UwU Nyowth. B-Befowe the game is afoot thou stiww wet'st swip. 
Hot. W-Why, *moans* it cannyot c-choose xDD but be a nyobwe pwot. 
And then the *cries* powew of Scotwand and of Yowk 
To join *pokes you* with Mowtimew, ha? 
Wow. And so they shaww. 
Hot. In faith, *moans* it is *cries* exceedingwy weww aim'd. 
Wow. And 'tis nyo wittwe weason b-bids us speed, 
To uWu save o-ouw :33 heads ^w^ by waising of a *sighs* head; 
Fow, beaw ouwsewves as even as we can, 
The King wiww awways think him in o-ouw d-debt, 
And think we think ouwsewves unsatisfied, 
Tiww he hath ^w^ found a time to p-pay us home. 
And see awweady how he doth begin 
To make us stwangews to his wooks of wove. 
Hot. He does, he x3 does! We'ww be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on him. 
Wow. Cousin, faweweww. Nyo *twerks* fuwthew go in this 
*notices bulge* Than I ^w^ by wettews shaww diwect youw couwse. 
When time is wipe, which wiww be suddenwy, 
I'ww s-steaw to Gwendowew and Wowd Mowtimew, 
Whewe you and Dougwas, and o-ouw p-pow'ws at o-once, 
As I wiww fashion it, shaww h-happiwy x3 meet, 
To beaw o-ouw *sighs* fowtunyes in o-ouw own stwong awms, 
Which n-nyow we howd at much uncewtainty. 
UwU Nyowth. Faweweww, good bwothew. We shaww thwive, I twust. 
Hot. Uncwe, adieu. O, wet the houws be showt 
Tiww fiewds and bwows and gwoans appwaud o-ouw *looks away* spowt! *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT II. >w< Scenye I. 
Wochestew. *looks at you* An inn yawd. 

Entew a C-Cawwiew *pokes you* with a *looks at you* wantewn in his hand. 

1. Caw. Heigh-ho! an *moans* it be nyot fouw ^w^ by the day, I'ww be hang'd. 
Chawwes' wain is ovew the nyew c-chimnyey, and yet o-ouw howse nyot 
pack'd.- What, ostwew! 
O-Ost. [-[within] Anyon, anyon. 
1. Caw. I pwithee, Tom, beat Cut's saddwe, p-put a f-few fwocks in the 
point. Poow jade is *notices bulge* wwung in the withews out of aww cess. 

Entew anyothew ^.^ Cawwiew. 

2. Caw. >_> Peas and b-beans awe as dank x3 hewe as a d-dog, and *sweats* that is the 
nyext way to give poow jades the bots. This h-house is tuwnyed upside 
down s-since Wobin Ostwew died. 
1. Caw. Poow fewwow nyevew *sighs* joyed s-since the pwice of oats *cuddles you* wose. It 
was the death of him. 
2. Caw. I think this be the most *looks away* viwwanyous h-house in aww Wondon woad 
fow f-fweas. I am stung wike a tench. 
1. Caw. Wike a t-tench I By the mass, thewe is nye'ew a king chwisten 
couwd be bettew b-bit than I have been s-since the f-fiwst cock. 
2. Caw. W-Why, they wiww awwow us nye'ew a jowdan, and then we weak in 
youw c-chimnyey, and youw chambew-wye bweeds fweas wike a woach. 
1. Caw. What, ostwew! come away and be hang'd! come *shuffles closer* away! 
2. Caw. I have a gammon of bacon and xDD two wazes of gingew, to be 
d-dewivewed as faw as Chawing Cwoss. 
1. Caw. God's body! the tuwkeys in my pannyiew awe q-quite stawved. 
What, ostwew! A pwague *teleports behind you* on thee! hast thou nyevew an eye in t-thy 
head? C-Canst nyot heaw? *looks at you* An 'twewe nyot as good deed as ^-^ dwink to 
bweak the pate *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, I am a vewy *moans* viwwain. Come, and be hang'd! 
Hast nyo faith in *moans* thee? 

Entew Gadshiww. 

Gads. Good OwO mowwow, x3 cawwiews. What's o'cwock? 
1. Caw. I think *moans* it be xDD two *looks at you* o'cwock. 
Gads. I pwithee UwU wend me this *looks at you* wantewn to see my gewding in the 
stabwe. 
1. Caw. Nyay, ^w^ by >_< God, soft! I knyow a t-twick wowth xDD two of that, 
i-i' faith. 
Gads. I pway thee UwU wend me thinye. 
2. Caw. :33 Ay, when? ;;w;; canst teww? Wend me t-thy wantewn, *screams* quoth *sighs* he? Mawwy, 
I'ww see thee hang'd fiwst! 
Gads. *leans over* Siwwah cawwiew, w-what time do you *looks at you* mean to come to Wondon? 
2. Caw. Time enyough to go to b-bed *pokes you* with a candwe, I wawwant thee. 
Come, *screams* nyeighbouw Mugs, we'ww *giggles shyly* caww up the gentwemen. They wiww 
awong *pokes you* with company, fow they have gweat chawge. 
UwU Exeunt [Cawwiews]. 
Gads. What, ho! chambewwain! 

Entew Chambewwain. 

Cham. At hand, *screams* quoth pickpuwse. 
Gads. That's even as *looks at you* faiw >_> as- 'at hand, *screams* quoth the chambewwain'; fow 
thou vawiest nyo mowe fwom *screams* picking of puwses than giving diwection 
doth fwom uWu wabouwing: thou *moans* wayest the pwot how. 
Cham. Good OwO mowwow, Mastew Gadshiww. It howds cuwwent *sweats* that I towd 
you yestewnyight. >_> Thewe's a fwankwin in the Wiwd of K-Kent hath 
>w< bwought thwee hundwed mawks *pokes you* with him in gowd. I h-heawd him teww *moans* it 
to onye of his company wast nyight at s-suppew- a k-kind of auditow; 
onye *sweats* that hath abundance of chawge too, OwO God *looks away* knyows what. They awe 
up awweady and *giggles shyly* caww fow eggs and buttew. They wiww away 
pwesentwy. 
Gads. S-Siwwah, if they meet nyot *pokes you* with Saint Nyichowas' cwewks, I'ww 
give thee this nyeck. 
Cham. N-Nyo, I'ww nyonye of it. I pway thee keep *sweats* that fow the hangman; 
fow I knyow thou w-wowshippest Saint Nyichowas as twuwy as a man of 
fawsehood *notices bulge* may. 
Gads. What *hugs tightly* tawkest thou to me of the hangman? If I hang, I'ww make 
a fat paiw of gawwows; fow if I hang, owd Siw John >_> hangs *pokes you* with me, 
and thou knyowest he is nyo stawvewing. Tut! thewe awe othew 
T-Twoyans *sweats* that thou dweam'st nyot of, the which fow spowt sake awe 
content to do the pwofession *blushes* some gwace; *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd (if *teleports behind you* mattews 
shouwd be wook'd i-into) fow t-theiw own *screams* cwedit sake make aww whowe. 
I am joinyed *pokes you* with nyo f-foot wand-wakews, nyo *leans over* wong-staff sixpenny 
stwikews, nyonye of these mad m-mustachio puwpwe-hued mawtwowms; xDD but 
*pokes you* with n-nyobiwity, and twanquiwwity, buwgomastews and gweat x3 onyeyews, 
such as can howd in, such as wiww stwike soonyew than speak, and 
speak soonyew than dwink, and ^-^ dwink soonyew than pway; and yet, 
^-^ zounds, I wie; fow they pway continyuawwy to t-theiw saint, the 
commonweawth, *blushes* ow wathew, nyot pway to hew, xDD but pwey *teleports behind you* on hew, fow 
they wide up and down *teleports behind you* on h-hew and make h-hew t-theiw boots. 
Cham. What, the commonweawth t-theiw boots? Wiww she howd out watew 
in f-fouw way? 
Gads. She wiww, she wiww! J-Justice hath wiquow'd hew. We s-steaw as in 
a c-castwe, cocksuwe. We have the weceipt of fewnseed, we wawk 
invisibwe. 
Cham. Nyay, ^w^ by my faith, I think you awe mowe behowding to the nyight 
than to fewnseed fow youw wawking invisibwe. 
Gads. Give me t-thy hand. *moans* Thou shawt have a shawe in o-ouw puwchase, as 
I and a twue *pokes you* man. 
Cham. Nyay, wathew wet me have it, as you awe a f-fawse thief. 
Gads. Go uWu to; 'homo' is a common nyame to aww men. B-Bid the ostwew 
b-bwing my gewding out of the stabwe. Faweweww, you muddy knyave. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
The highway nyeaw Gadshiww. 

Entew Pwince and Poins. 

Poins. Come, shewtew, shewtew! I have wemov'd Fawstaff's howse, and 
he fwets wike a gumm'd vewvet. 
Pwince. Stand *sighs* cwose. [They step aside.] 

Entew Fawstaff. 

Faw. P-Poins! *twerks* Poins, and be hang'd! P-Poins! 
Pwince. I c-comes *blushes* fowwawd I >w< Peace, ye fat-kidnyey'd wascaw! What a 
bwawwing dost thou keep! 
Faw. Whewe's *twerks* Poins, Haw? 
Pwince. He is wawk'd up to the t-top of the *cries* hiww. I'ww go seek him. 
[Steps aside.] 
Faw. I am accuws'd to wob in *sweats* that thief's company. The wascaw hath 
wemoved my howse and tied him I knyow nyot xDD whewe. If I *sweats* twavew xDD but 
fouw f-foot ^w^ by the squiwe *twerks* fuwthew afoot, I shaww bweak my wind. 
*sighs* Weww, I d-doubt nyot xDD but to die a *looks at you* faiw death fow aww t-this, if I 
scape hanging fow kiwwing *sweats* that wogue. I have fowswown his company 
houwwy any time this two-and-twenty yeaws, and yet I am bewitch'd 
*pokes you* with the r-wogue's company. If the wascaw have nyot given me 
medicinyes to make me wove him, I'ww be hang'd. It couwd nyot be 
ewse. I have dwunk *cries* medicinyes. P-Poins! Haw! A pwague upon you both! 
Bawdowph! P-Peto! I'ww stawve ewe I'ww wob a f-foot fuwthew. *looks at you* An 
'twewe nyot as good a deed as ^-^ dwink to tuwn twue man and to weave 
these wogues, I am the vewiest vawwet *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew chewed *pokes you* with a 
tooth. Eight *giggles shyly* yawds of u-unyeven gwound is thweescowe and ten miwes 
afoot *pokes you* with me, and the stony-heawted viwwains knyow *moans* it weww 
enyough. A pwague upon *moans* it when thieves cannyot be twue onye to 
a-anyothew! (They whistwe.) Whew! A pwague upon you a-aww! Give me my 
howse, you wogues! give me my howse and be hang'd! 
Pwince. [comes f-fowwawd] >w< Peace, ye ^.^ fat-guts! Wie *giggles shyly* down, *looks at you* way thinye eaw 
cwose to the gwound, and :33 wist if thou ;;w;; canst heaw the twead of 
twavewwews. 
Faw. Have you any wevews to l-wift me up again, being down? 'Sbwood, 
I'ww nyot beaw minye own UwU fwesh so faw afoot ;;w;; again fow aww the ^.^ coin 
in t-thy fathew's exchequew. What a pwague *looks at you* mean ye to x3 cowt me t-thus? 
Pwince. *moans* Thou wiest; thou awt nyot cowted, thou awt uncowted. 
Faw. I pwithee, good Pwince Haw, hewp me to my howse, good king's 
son. 
Pwince. Out, ye *screams* wogue! Shaww I be youw ostwew? 
Faw. Go hang thysewf in thinye own heiw-appawent gawtews! If I be 
ta'en, I'ww peach fow this. *looks at you* An I have nyot bawwads made *teleports behind you* on you 
a-aww, and sung to fiwthy t-tunyes, wet a cup of sack be my poison. 
When a jest is so fowwawd- and afoot t-too- I hate it. 

Entew Gadshiww, [Bawdowph and Peto *pokes you* with h-him]. 

Gads. Stand! 
Faw. So I do, against my wiww. 
Poins. [comes fowtwawd] O, 'tis o-ouw s-settew. I knyow his voice. 
Bawdowph, w-what nyews? 
Baw. Case y-ye, *screams* case ye! On *pokes you* with youw vizawds! >_> Thewe's monyey of the 
K-King's coming down the hiww; 'tis g-going to the K-King's exchequew. 
Faw. Y-You >_< wie, ye *screams* wogue! 'Tis g-going to the K-King's tavewn. 
Gads. >_> Thewe's enyough to make us aww. 
Faw. To be hang'd. 
Pwince. S-Siws, you fouw shaww fwont them in the nyawwow wanye; Nyed 
Poins and I wiww wawk wowew. If they scape fwom youw encountew, 
then they wight *teleports behind you* on us. 
Peto. H-How many be thewe of them? 
Gads. Some eight *blushes* ow ten. 
Faw. Zounds, wiww they nyot wob us? 
Pwince. What, a cowawd, Siw John Paunch? 
Faw. I-Indeed, I am nyot John of Gaunt, youw *sighs* gwandfathew; xDD but yet nyo 
cowawd, Haw. 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, we weave *sweats* that to the pwoof. 
Poins. *leans over* Siwwah Jack, t-thy howse stands UwU behind the hedge. When thou 
nyeed'st him, thewe thou shawt find him. Faweweww and *looks at you* stand f-fast. 
Faw. >_> Nyow cannyot I stwike him, if I shouwd be hang'd. 
Pwince. [aside to Poins] Nyed, whewe awe o-ouw disguises? 
Poins. [aside to uWu Pwince] *shuffles closer* Hewe, hawd b-by. Stand *sighs* cwose. 
[Exeunt Pwince and Poins.] 
Faw. Nyow, my *looks away* mastews, happy man be his dowe, say I. Evewy man to 
his businyess. 

Entew the Twavewwews. 

Twavewwew. Come, nyeighbouw. 
The *cries* boy shaww wead o-ouw h-howses down the hiww; 
We'ww wawk afoot awhiwe and ease o-ouw wegs. 
Thieves. Stand! 
Twavewwew. Jesus bwess us! 
Faw. Stwike! down *pokes you* with them! cut the viwwains' thwoats! Ah, 
whoweson catewpiwwaws! bacon-fed *notices bulge* knyaves! they hate us y-youth. *twerks* Down 
*pokes you* with them! fweece them! 
Twavewwew. O, we awe u-undonye, b-both we and ouws fow evew! 
Faw. Hang y-ye, gowbewwied knyaves, awe ye undonye? N-Nyo, ye fat chuffs; 
I ^.^ wouwd youw stowe wewe hewe! On, bacons on! What, ye *notices bulge* knyaves! 
young men must l-wive. Y-You awe gwandjuwows, awe y-ye? We'ww juwe y-ye, 
faith! 
Hewe they wob and bind them. *cries* Exeunt. 

Entew the Pwince and Poins [in buckwam suits]. 

Pwince. The thieves have bound the twue men. >_> Nyow couwd thou and I 
wob the thieves and go mewwiwy to Wondon, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd be awgument 
fow a week, waughtew fow a month, and a good jest fow evew. 
Poins. Stand *teleports behind you* cwose! I heaw them coming. 
[They *looks at you* stand aside.] 

Entew the Thieves again. 

Faw. Come, my *looks away* mastews, wet us shawe, and then to howse befowe day. 
*looks at you* An the Pwince and Poins be nyot xDD two awwant cowawds, thewe's nyo 
equity stiwwing. >_> Thewe's nyo mowe vawouw in *sweats* that Poins than in a 
w-wiwd duck. 

[-[As they awe *blushes* shawing, the Pwince and Poins set upon 
them. THey aww wun away, and Fawstaff, aftew a bwow *blushes* ow 
t-two, wuns *cuddles you* awasy too, weaving the b-booty UwU behind them.] 

Pwince. Youw *giggles shyly* monyey! 
Poins. Viwwains! 

Pwince. *leans over* Got *pokes you* with much *leans over* ease. >_> Nyow mewwiwy to howse. 
The thieves awe scattewed, and possess'd *pokes you* with feaw 
So *shuffles closer* stwongwy *sweats* that they dawe nyot meet each othew. 
Each takes his fewwow fow an officew. 
^w^ Away, good Nyed. Fawstaff sweats to death 
And wawds the wean eawth as he wawks ^.^ awong. 
Wewe't nyot fow waughing, I shouwd pity him. 
Poins. H-How the wogue woaw'd! *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
Wawkwowth Castwe. 

Entew Hotspuw sowus, r-weading a wettew. 

Hot. '-'But, fow minye own pawt, my wowd, I couwd be weww contented to 
be thewe, in wespect of the wove I beaw youw uWu house.' He couwd be 
contented- why is he nyot then? In wespect of the wove he beaws 
o-ouw house! He shows in this he woves his own b-bawn bettew than he 
woves o-ouw house. Wet me see *blushes* some mowe. 'The puwpose you UwU undewtake 
is dangewous'- W-Why, that's cewtain! 'Tis d-dangewous to take a 
cowd, to sweep, to dwink; xDD but I teww y-you, my *hugs tightly* wowd foow, out of 
this nyettwe, dangew, we pwuck this fwowew, safety. 'The puwpose 
you UwU undewtake is dangewous, the fwiends you have nyamed uncewtain, 
the time i-itsewf unsowted, and youw whowe pwot too wight fow the 
*twerks* countewpoise of so gweat an opposition.' Say you so, say you *moans* so? 
I say unto you again, you awe a shawwow, cowawdwy *moans* hind, and you 
wie. What a wack-bwain is this! By the Wowd, o-ouw pwot is a good 
pwot as *giggles shyly* evew was waid; o-ouw fwiends twue and x3 constant: a good 
pwot, good fwiends, and fuww of expectation; an excewwent pwot, 
vewy good xDD fwiends. What a fwosty-spiwited wogue is this! W-Why, my 
Wowd of Yowk commends the pwot and the *screams* genyewaw *blushes* couwse of the 
action. Zounds, an I wewe n-nyow ^w^ by this wascaw, I couwd bwain him 
*pokes you* with his *teleports behind you* wady's fan. *looks at you* Is thewe nyot my fathew, my uncwe, and 
mysewf; Wowd *hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew, my Wowd of Yowk, and Owen 
Gwendowew? *looks at you* Is thewe nyot, *teleports behind you* besides, the Dougwas? Have I nyot aww 
t-theiw wettews to meet me in awms ^w^ by the nyinth of the nyext month, 
and awe they nyot *blushes* some of them set *blushes* fowwawd a-awweady? What a pagan 
wascaw is this! an infidew! Ha! you shaww see nyow, in vewy 
sincewity of feaw and cowd heawt wiww he to the King and *looks at you* way open 
aww o-ouw p-pwoceedings. O, I couwd divide m-mysewf and go to buffets 
fow moving such a >_< dish of skim miwk *pokes you* with so honyouwabwe an action! 
Hang him, wet him teww the King! we awe pwepawed. I wiww set 
*blushes* fowwawd to-nyight. 

Entew his L-Wady. 

H-How nyow, Kate? I must weave you within these xDD two houws. 
L-Wady. O my good wowd, why awe you t-thus awonye? 
F-Fow w-what offence have I this fowtnyight been 
A banyish'd woman fwom my Hawwy's bed, 
Teww me, sweet wowd, w-what is't *sweats* that takes fwom thee 
Thy stomach, pweasuwe, and t-thy gowden *shuffles closer* sweep? 
Why dost thou *looks away* bend thinye eyes upon the eawth, 
And stawt so *looks away* often when thou sit'st awonye? 
Why hast thou wost the fwesh b-bwood in t-thy cheeks 
And given my *pokes you* tweasuwes and my wights of thee 
To thick-ey'd m-musing and cuws'd m-mewanchowy? 
In t-thy faint *notices bulge* swumbews I ^w^ by thee have watch'd, 
And h-heawd thee muwmuw t-tawes of iwon waws, 
Speak tewms of manyage to t-thy bounding steed, 
Cwy 'Couwage! to the fiewd!' And thou hast tawk'd 
Of *hugs tightly* sawwies and wetiwes, of t-twenches, t-tent, 
Of pawisadoes, fwontiews, pawapets, 
Of basiwisks, of cannyon, cuwvewin, 
Of pwisonyews' >w< wansom, and of sowdiews swain, 
And aww the cuwwents of a h-heady fight. 
Thy spiwit within thee hath been so at waw, 
And t-thus hath so bestiww'd thee in t-thy sweep, 
*teleports behind you* That xDD beads of sweat have stood upon t-thy b-bwow 
Wike bubbwes iww a wate-distuwbed stweam, 
And in t-thy *cuddles you* face stwange >_> motions have appeaw'd, 
*screams* Such as we see when men westwain t-theiw >_< bweath 
On *blushes* some gweat sudden hest. O, w-what powtents awe these? 
Some heavy businyess hath my *hugs tightly* wowd in hand, 
And I must knyow it, e-ewse he woves me nyot. 
Hot. What, ho! 

*sighs* [Entew a Sewvant.] 

*looks at you* Is Giwwiams *pokes you* with the packet gonye? 
Sewv. He *screams* is, my wowd, an houw ago. 
Hot. Hath uWu Butwew >w< bwought those h-howses fwom the shewiff? 
Sewv. Onye howse, my wowd, he >w< bwought even nyow. 
Hot. What howse? A woan, a cwop-eaw, is *moans* it nyot? 
Sewv. It *screams* is, my l-wowd. 
Hot. *teleports behind you* That r-woan shaww be my thwonye. 
*sighs* Weww, I wiww back him stwaight. O e-espewance! 
B-Bid uWu Butwew wead him f-fowth into the p-pawk. 
[Exit Sewvant.] 
L-Wady. But heaw y-you, my l-wowd. 
Hot. What say'st thou, my wady? 
L-Wady. What is *moans* it cawwies you away? 
Hot. W-Why, my howse, my wove- my howse! 
L-Wady. Out, you mad-headed *cries* ape! 
A weasew hath nyot such a deaw of spween 
As you awe toss'd with. In faith, 
I'ww knyow youw businyess, Hawwy; *sweats* that I wiww! 
I feaw my b-bwothew Mowtimew doth s-stiw 
About his titwe and hath OwO sent fow you 
To xDD winye his entewpwise; xDD but if you go- 
Hot. So faw afoot, I shaww be *cries* weawy, wove. 
L-Wady. Come, come, you pawaquito, *sighs* answew me 
Diwectwy unto this question *sweats* that I ask. 
I'ww bweak t-thy wittwe fingew, Hawwy, 
*looks at you* An if thou wiwt nyot teww my aww things twue. 
Hot. Away. 
^w^ Away, you twifwew! Wove? I wove thee nyot; 
I OwO cawe nyot fow ^w^ thee, Kate. This is nyo wowwd 
To pway *pokes you* with mammets and to tiwt *pokes you* with wips. 
We must have bwoody nyoses and cwack'd *moans* cwowns, 
And pass them cuwwent too. Gods me, my howse! 
What say'st thou, Kate? What wouwdst thou have *pokes you* with me? 
L-Wady. Do you nyot wove me? do you nyot indeed? 
*sighs* Weww, do nyot then; fow s-since you wove me nyot, 
I wiww nyot wove mysewf. Do you nyot wove me? 
Nyay, teww me if you speak in jest *blushes* ow nyo. 
Hot. Come, wiwt thou see me wide? 
And when I am a-howseback, I wiww sweaw 
I wove thee infinyitewy. But hawk you. K-Kate: 
I must nyot have you hencefowth question me 
Whithew I *screams* go, n-nyow weason wheweabout. 
Whithew I must, I must; and to concwude, 
This e-evenying must I weave y-you, g-gentwe Kate. 
I knyow you wise; xDD but yet nyo fawthew w-wise 
*notices bulge* Than Hawwy Pewcy's wife; constant you awe, 
But yet a *blushes* woman; and fow secwecy, 
Nyo wady cwosew, fow I weww bewieve 
*moans* Thou wiwt nyot uttew w-what thou dost nyot knyow, 
And so faw wiww I twust ^w^ thee, g-gentwe Kate. 
L-Wady. How? so faw? 
Hot. Nyot an i-inch fuwthew. But hawk y-you, K-Kate: 
Whithew I *screams* go, thithew shaww you go too; 
To-day wiww I set fowth, to-mowwow you. 
Wiww this content y-you, K-Kate,? 
L-Wady. It must of fowce. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
Eastcheap. The Boaw's Head Tavewn. 

Entew Pwince and Poins. 

Pwince. Nyed, pwithee come out of *sweats* that *teleports behind you* fat-woom and UwU wend me t-thy h-hand 
to *looks at you* waugh a wittwe. 
Poins. Whewe hast been, Haw? 
Pwince,. With thwee *blushes* ow fouw *hugs tightly* woggewheads amongst thwee *blushes* ow 
fouwscowe *giggles shyly* hogsheads. I have sounded the vewy OwO bass-stwing of 
humiwity. S-Siwwah, I am swown b-bwothew to a weash of dwawews and 
can *giggles shyly* caww them aww ^w^ by t-theiw chwisten *cries* nyames, as Tom, Dick, and 
Fwancis. They take *moans* it awweady upon t-theiw *giggles shyly* sawvation that, *sighs* though 
I be xDD but Pwince of Wawes, yet I am the king of couwtesy; and teww 
me fwatwy I am nyo pwoud Jack wike Fawstaff, xDD but a >_> Cowinthian, a 
wad of mettwe, a good *cries* boy (-(by the Wowd, so they *giggles shyly* caww me!), and 
when I am King of Engwand I shaww command aww the good wads 
Eastcheap. They *giggles shyly* caww dwinking deep, dying scawwet; and when 
you bweathe in youw watewing, they cwy *leans over* 'hem!' and bid you pway *moans* it 
off. To concwude, I am so good a pwoficient in onye x3 quawtew of an 
houw *sweats* that I can ^-^ dwink *pokes you* with any t-tinkew in his own wanguage duwing 
my wife. I teww ^w^ thee, Nyed, thou hast wost much honyouw *sweats* that thou 
wewt nyot *pokes you* with me in this action. But, sweet Nyed- to sweeten which 
nyame of Nyed, I give thee this pennywowth of sugaw, cwapp'd even 
n-nyow into my h-hand ^w^ by an OwO undew-skinkew, onye *sweats* that nyevew spake othew 
Engwish in his wife than 'Eight shiwwings and sixpence,' and OwO 'You 
awe wewcome,' *pokes you* with this s-shwiww OwO addition, 'Anyon, anyon, siw! Scowe 
a pint of bastawd in the Hawf-moon,' *blushes* ow so- but, Nyed, to dwive 
away the time tiww Fawstaff come, I pwithee do thou *looks at you* stand in *blushes* some 
by-woom whiwe I question my puny dwawew to w-what end be gave me 
the sugaw; and do thou nyevew weave cawwing 'Fwancis!' *sweats* that his 
tawe to me may be nyothing xDD but 'Anyon!' Step aside, and I'ww show 
thee a pwecedent. 
Poins. Fwancis! 
Pwince. *moans* Thou awt pewfect. 
Poins. Fwancis! [Exit Poins.] 

Entew [Fwancis, a] Dwawew. 

Fwan. Anyon, anyon, siw.- Wook down into the Pomgawnyet, Wawph. 
Pwince. Come h-hithew, Fwancis. 
Fwan. My wowd? 
Pwince. H-How wong hast thou to sewve, F-Fwancis? 
Fwan. Fowsooth, five yeaws, and as much as to- 
Poins. [-[within] Fwancis! 
Fwan. Anyon, anyon, siw. 
Pwince. Five uWu yeaw! by'w Wady, a wong wease fow the cwinking of 
P-Pewtew. But, Fwancis, d-dawest thou be so vawiant as to pway the 
cowawd *pokes you* with t-thy indentuwe and show *moans* it a *looks at you* faiw paiw of h-heews and 
wun fwom it? 
Fwan. O Wowd, siw, I'ww be swown upon aww the books in Engwand I 
couwd find in my h-heawt- 
Poins. [-[within] Fwancis! 
Fwan. Anyon, siw. 
Pwince. H-How owd awt thou, F-Fwancis? 
Fwan. Wet me see. About Michaewmas nyext I shaww >_> be- 
Poins. [-[within] Fwancis! 
Fwan. Anyon, siw. *twerks* Pway >_< stay a wittwe, my l-wowd. 
Pwince. Nyay, xDD but hawk y-you, Fwancis. F-Fow the sugaw thou gavest me- 
'-'twas a pennywowth, wast nyot? 
Fwan. O Wowd! I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it h-had been two! 
Pwince. I wiww give thee fow *moans* it a thousand ;;w;; pound. Ask me when thou 
wiwt, and, thou shawt have it. 
Poins. [-[within] Fwancis! 
Fwan. Anyon, anyon. 
Pwince. Anyon, F-Fwancis? N-Nyo, F-Fwancis; xDD but to-mowwow, F-Fwancis; *cries* ow, 
Fwancis, a Thuwsday; *blushes* ow indeed, Fwancis, when thou w-wiwt. But 
*hugs tightly* Fwancis- 
Fwan. My wowd? 
Pwince. Wiwt thou wob this weathewn-jewkin, cwystaw-button, 
nyot-pated, agate-wing, puke-stocking, caddis-gawtew, 
smooth-tongue, Spanyish-pouch- 
Fwan. O Wowd, siw, w-who do you m-mean? 
Pwince. Why then, youw bwown bastawd is youw onwy dwink; fow wook 
y-you, Fwancis, youw *looks away* white canvas doubwet wiww suwwy. In Bawbawy, 
siw, *moans* it cannyot come to so much. 
Fwan. What, s-siw? 
Poins. [-[within] Fwancis! 
Pwince. ^w^ Away, you *screams* wogue! Dost thou nyot heaw them caww? 
Hewe they b-both *giggles shyly* caww him. The Dwawew stands a-amazed, 
nyot *looks at you* knyowing which way to go. 

Entew Vintnyew. 

*shuffles closer* Vint. What, stand'st thou stiww, and heaw'st such a cawwing? Wook 
to the guests *looks at you* within. [Exit Fwancis.] My wowd, owd Siw John, *pokes you* with 
hawf-a-dozen mowe, awe at the doow. Shaww I wet them in? 
Pwince. Wet them awonye awhiwe, and then open the doow. 
[Exit Vintnyew.] 
P-Poins! 
Poins. [-[within] Anyon, anyon, siw. 

Entew Poins. 

Pwince. S-Siwwah, Fawstaff and the west of the thieves awe at the 
doow. Shaww we be mewwy? 
Poins. As mewwy as cwickets, my wad. But hawk ye; w-what cunnying 
match have you made *pokes you* with this jest of the dwawew? Come, what's 
the issue? 
Pwince. I am n-nyow of aww humouws *sweats* that have showed themsewves humouws 
s-since the owd days of >_< goodman *cuddles you* Adam to the p-pupiw age of this 
^.^ pwesent this t-twewve o-o'cwock at midnyight. 

*sighs* [Entew Fwancis.] 

What's *screams* o'cwock, F-Fwancis? 
Fwan. Anyon, anyon, siw. [Exit.] 
Pwince. *teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew this fewwow shouwd have fewew wowds than a 
pawwot, and yet the son of a w-woman! His industwy is upstaiws and 
downstaiws, his ewoquence the pawcew of a weckonying. I am nyot yet 
of Pewcy's *leans over* mind, the Hotspuw of the Nyowth; he *sweats* that ^-^ kiwws me *blushes* some 
^-^ six *blushes* ow seven dozen of Scots at a bweakfast, washes his uWu hands, and 
says to his wife, 'Fie upon this quiet wife! I want wowk.' 'O my 
sweet Hawwy,' says she, 'how many hast thou kiww'd to-day?' 
'Give my r-woan howse a dwench,' says he, and answews 'Some 
fouwteen,' an houw aftew, *leans over* 'a twifwe, a twifwe.' I pwithee *giggles shyly* caww in 
Fawstaff. I'ww pway :3 Pewcy, and *sweats* that d-damn'd bwawn shaww pway Dame 
Mowtimew his wife. *moans* 'Wivo!' says the dwunkawd. Caww in r-wibs, *giggles shyly* caww 
in tawwow. 

Entew Fawstaff, [Gadshiww, Bawdowph, and *twerks* Peto; 
F-Fwancis f-fowwows *pokes you* with w-winye]. 

Poins. Wewcome, Jack. Whewe hast thou b-been? 
Faw. A pwague of aww cowawds, I say, and a v-vengeance too! Mawwy and 
amen! Give me a cup of sack, boy. Ewe I wead this wife wong, I'ww 
>_< sew uWu nyethew-stocks, and ^w^ mend them and f-foot them too. A pwague of 
aww cowawds! Give me a cup of sack, wogue. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo *hugs tightly* viwtue 
extant? 
He *leans over* dwinketh. 
Pwince. D-Didst thou nyevew see Titan kiss a >_< dish of buttew? 
^-^ Pitifuw-heawted buttew, *sweats* that *screams* mewted at the sweet tawe of the sun! 
If thou didst, then behowd *sweats* that c-compound. 
Faw. Y-You wogue, hewe's wime in this sack too! *cries* Thewe is nyothing xDD but 
woguewy to be ^w^ found in *looks away* viwwanyous *pokes you* man. Y-Yet a cowawd is wowse than 
a cup of sack *pokes you* with wime in it- a *looks away* viwwanyous cowawd! Go t-thy ways, 
owd Jack, die when thou wiwt; if manhood, good manhood, be nyot 
fowgot upon the *cuddles you* face of the eawth, then am I a s-shotten hewwing. 
*cries* Thewe wives nyot thwee good men unhang'd in E-Engwand; and onye of 
them is fat, and gwows owd. OwO God hewp the whiwe! A UwU bad wowwd, I 
say. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe a weavew; I couwd sing psawms *blushes* ow anything. A 
pwague of aww cowawds I say stiww! 
Pwince. H-How nyow, woowsack? What muttew you? 
Faw. A king's s-son! If I do nyot beat thee out of t-thy kingdom *pokes you* with a 
daggew of wath and dwive aww t-thy subjects afowe thee wike a f-fwock 
of w-wiwd geese, I'ww nyevew weaw haiw *teleports behind you* on my *cuddles you* face mowe. Y-You Pwince 
of Wawes? 
Pwince. W-Why, you whoweson wound m-man, what's the m-mattew? 
Faw. Awe nyot you a cowawd? Answew me to that- and Poins thewe? 
Poins. Zounds, ye fat paunch, an ye *giggles shyly* caww me cowawd, ^w^ by the 
Wowd, I'ww stab thee. 
Faw. I *giggles shyly* caww thee cowawd? I'ww see thee d-damn'd ewe I *giggles shyly* caww thee 
cowawd, xDD but I ^.^ wouwd give a thousand pound I couwd wun as *looks away* fast as 
thou c-canst. Y-You awe stwaight enyough in the shouwdews; you OwO cawe 
nyot w-who sees Youw back. Caww you *sweats* that backing of youw fwiends? A 
pwague upon such backing! Give me them *sweats* that wiww *cuddles you* face me. Give me 
a cup of sack. I am a wogue if I dwunk to-day. 
Pwince. O viwwain! t-thy wips awe x3 scawce wip'd s-since thou dwunk'st 
wast. 
Faw. Aww is onye fow that. (He dwinketh.) A pwague of aww cowawds 
stiww say I. 
Pwince. What's the m-mattew? 
Faw. What's the m-mattew? *cries* Thewe be fouw of us x3 hewe have t-ta'en a 
thousand pound this day *pokes you* mownying. 
Pwince. Whewe is it, J-Jack? Whewe is it? 
Faw. Whewe is it, Taken fwom us *moans* it is. A hundwed upon poow fouw of 
us! 
Pwince. What, a h-hundwed, man? 
Faw. I am a wogue if I wewe nyot at h-hawf-swowd *pokes you* with a dozen of them 
xDD two houws togethew. I have s-scap'd ^w^ by miwacwe. I am eight times 
thwust uWu thwough the doubwet, fouw uWu thwough the h-hose; my buckwew cut 
uWu thwough and *notices bulge* thwough; my swowd hack'd wike a ^-^ handsaw- e-ecce signyum! 
I nyevew d-deawt bettew s-since I was a *pokes you* man. Aww ^.^ wouwd nyot do. A 
pwague of aww cowawds! Wet them speak, If they speak mowe *blushes* ow wess 
than twuth, they awe viwwains and the sons of dawknyess. 
Pwince. Speak, siws. H-How was it? 
Gads. We fouw set upon *blushes* some *screams* dozen- 
Faw. xDD Sixteen at weast, my l-wowd. 
Gads. And bound them. 
Peto. N-Nyo, nyo, they wewe nyot bound. 
Faw. Y-You wogue, they wewe bound, evewy man of them, *blushes* ow I am a Jew 
ewse- an Ebwew Jew. 
Gads. As we wewe *blushes* shawing, *blushes* some ^-^ six *blushes* ow seven fwesh men *notices bulge* sea upon us- 
Faw. And unbound the west, and then come in the othew. 
Pwince. What, fought you *pokes you* with them aww? 
Faw. Aww? I knyow nyot w-what you *giggles shyly* caww a-aww, xDD but if I fought nyot *pokes you* with 
fifty of them, I am a *pokes you* bunch of wadish! If thewe wewe nyot xDD two *blushes* ow 
thwee and fifty upon poow owd Jack, then am I nyo t-two-wegg'd 
cweatuwe. 
Pwince. *twerks* Pway OwO God you have nyot muwd'wed *blushes* some of them. 
Faw. Nyay, that's past pwaying *shuffles closer* fow. I have peppew'd xDD two of them. Two 
I am suwe I have paid, xDD two wogues in buckwam suits. I teww thee 
what, Haw- if I teww thee a >_< wie, *giggles shyly* spit in my face, *giggles shyly* caww me howse. 
*moans* Thou knyowest my owd wawd. Hewe I way, and t-thus I xDD bowe my point. 
Fouw wogues in buckwam wet dwive at me. 
Pwince. What, fouw? *moans* Thou saidst xDD but xDD two even nyow. 
Faw. *giggles shyly* Fouw, Haw. I towd thee fouw. 
Poins. :33 Ay, ay, he s-said fouw. 
Faw. These fouw came aww afwont and mainwy thwust at me. I made me 
nyo mowe ado xDD but t-took aww t-theiw seven points in my tawget, thus. 
Pwince. S-Seven? W-Why, thewe wewe xDD but fouw even nyow. 
Faw. In buckwam? 
Poins. :33 Ay, >w< fouw, in buckwam suits. 
Faw. Seven, ^w^ by these hiwts, *blushes* ow I am a viwwain ewse. 
Pwince. [aside to Poins] uWu Pwithee wet him awonye. We shaww have mowe 
anyon. 
Faw. Dost thou heaw me, Haw? 
Pwince. :33 Ay, and mawk thee too, Jack. 
Faw. Do so, fow *moans* it is wowth the wist'nying to. These nyinye in buckwam 
*sweats* that I towd thee o-of- 
Pwince. >_> So, xDD two mowe awweady. 
Faw. T-Theiw points being bwoken- 
Poins. *twerks* Down feww t-theiw h-hose. 
Faw. Began to give me ^w^ gwound; xDD but I fowwowed me cwose, came in, 
f-foot and hand, and *pokes you* with a thought seven of the eweven I paid. 
Pwince. O monstwous! Eweven buckwam men g-gwown out of two! 
Faw. But, as the deviw ^.^ wouwd have it, thwee ^w^ misbegotten knyaves in 
Kendaw gween came at my back and wet dwive at me; fow *moans* it was so 
dawk, Haw, *sweats* that thou couwdst nyot see t-thy hand. 
Pwince. These wies awe wike t-theiw fathew *sweats* that *shuffles closer* begets *sighs* them- gwoss as 
a mountain, open, ;;w;; pawpabwe. W-Why, thou cway-bwain'd guts, thou 
knyotty-pated foow, thou whoweson obscenye *pokes you* gweasy *pokes you* tawwow-catch- 
Faw. What, awt thou m-mad? awt thou m-mad? *looks at you* Is nyot the uWu twuth the twuth? 
Pwince. W-Why, how couwdst thou knyow these men in Kendaw gween when 
*moans* it was so dawk thou couwdst nyot see t-thy hand? Come, teww us youw 
r-weason. What sayest thou to *sweats* this? 
Poins. Come, youw weason, Jack, youw r-weason. 
Faw. What, upon compuwsion? Zounds, an I wewe at the OwO stwappado *blushes* ow 
aww the wacks in the wowwd, I ^.^ wouwd nyot teww you *teleports behind you* on compuwsion. 
Give you a weason *teleports behind you* on compuwsion? If weasons wewe as pwentifuw as 
b-bwackbewwies, I ^.^ wouwd give nyo man a weason upon compuwsion, I. 
Pwince. I'ww be nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *sweats* guiwty, of this sin; this sanguinye 
cowawd, this bed-pwessew, this howseback-bweakew, this huge hiww 
of fwesh- 
Faw. 'Sbwood, you xDD stawvewing, you ewf-skin, you d-dwied 
nyeat's-tongue, you buww's sizzwe, you stockfish- O fow >_< bweath to 
uttew w-what is wike thee!- you t-taiwow's yawd, you sheath, you 
bowcase, you viwe >_< standing *notices bulge* tuck! 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, bweathe awhiwe, and then to *moans* it again; and when thou 
hast ^-^ tiwed thysewf in base compawisons, heaw me speak xDD but this. 
Poins. Mawk, Jack. 
Pwince. We xDD two *moans* saw you fouw set *teleports behind you* on >w< fouw, and bound them and wewe 
mastews of t-theiw weawth. Mawk n-nyow how a pwain tawe shaww p-put you 
:33 down. T-Then did we xDD two set *teleports behind you* on you fouw and, *pokes you* with a wowd, outfac'd 
you fwom youw pwize, and have it; y-yea, and can show *moans* it you x3 hewe 
in the house. And, Fawstaff, you cawwied youw guts away as 
nyimbwy, *pokes you* with as quick dextewity, and woaw'd fow :3 mewcy, and stiww 
wun and woaw'd, as *giggles shyly* evew I h-heawd buwwcawf. What a swave awt thou 
to h-hack t-thy swowd as thou hast donye, and then say *moans* it was in 
fight! What twick, w-what d-device, w-what ;;w;; stawting OwO howe ;;w;; canst thou n-nyow 
find out to hide thee fwom this open and appawent shame? 
Poins. Come, wet's heaw, Jack. What t-twick hast thou nyow? 
Faw. By the Wowd, I knyew ye as weww as he *sweats* that made >_< ye. W-Why, heaw 
y-you, my mastews. *hugs tightly* Was *moans* it fow me to kiww the heiw *giggles shyly* appawent? Shouwd 
I tuwn upon the twue pwince? W-Why, thou knyowest I am as vawiant as 
H-Hewcuwes; xDD but *looks away* bewawe instinct. The wion wiww nyot touch the twue 
pwince. Instinct is a gweat mattew. I was n-nyow a cowawd *teleports behind you* on 
instinct. I shaww think the bettew of *twerks* mysewf, and ^w^ thee, duwing my 
wife- I fow a vawiant wion, and thou fow a twue pwince. But, ^w^ by 
the Wowd, l-wads, I am gwad you have the monyey. *blushes* Hostess, cwap to 
the *shuffles closer* doows. Watch to-nyight, pway *blushes* to-mowwow. Gawwants, l-wads, *cries* boys, 
heawts of gowd, aww the titwes of good fewwowship come to y-you! 
What, shaww we be mewwy? Shaww we have a pway extempowe? 
Pwince. >w< Content- and the awgument shaww be t-thy wunnying a-away. 
Faw. Ah, nyo mowe of that, Haw, an thou wovest me! 

Entew Hostess. 

Host. O Jesu, my *hugs tightly* wowd the P-Pwince! 
Pwince. H-How nyow, my wady the hostess? What say'st thou to me? 
Host. Mawwy, my wowd, thewe is a nyobweman of the couwt at doow 
^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. He says he c-comes fwom youw fathew. 
Pwince. Give him as much as wiww make him a woyaw m-man, and send him 
back ;;w;; again to my *looks at you* mothew. 
Faw. What mannyew of man is *sighs* he? 
Host. *looks at you* An owd *pokes you* man. 
Faw. What doth gwavity out of his b-bed at midnyight? Shaww I give him 
his answew? 
Pwince. uWu Pwithee do, Jack. 
Faw. Faith, and I'ww send him *sweats* packing. 
*sweats* Exit. 
Pwince. Nyow, siws. By'w Wady, you fought *blushes* faiw; so did y-you, *twerks* Peto; so 
did y-you, Bawdowph. Y-You awe wions too, you wan away upon instinct, 
you wiww nyot touch the twue pwince; nyo- fie! 
Bawd. Faith, I wan when I *moans* saw o-othews wun. 
Pwince. Teww me n-nyow in eawnyest, how came Fawstaff's swowd so 
hack'd? 
Peto. W-Why, he hack'd *moans* it *pokes you* with his daggew, and s-said he ^.^ wouwd sweaw 
uWu twuth out of Engwand xDD but he ^.^ wouwd make you bewieve *moans* it was donye in 
fight, and p-pewsuaded us to do the l-wike. 
Bawd. Yea, and to tickwe o-ouw nyoses *pokes you* with >_> speawgwass to make them 
bweed, and then to beswubbew o-ouw gawments *pokes you* with *moans* it and sweaw *moans* it 
was the b-bwood of twue men. I did *sweats* that I did nyot this seven *leans over* yeaw 
befowe- I bwush'd to heaw his monstwous devices. 
Pwince. O viwwain! thou *looks away* stowest a cup of sack eighteen y-yeaws ago 
and wewt taken *pokes you* with the mannyew, and *giggles shyly* evew s-since thou hast bwush'd 
extempowe. *moans* Thou hadst fiwe and swowd *teleports behind you* on t-thy >_< side, and yet thou 
*notices bulge* wan'st a-away. What instinct hadst thou fow it? 
Bawd. My wowd, do you see these ^.^ meteows? Do you behowd these 
*sighs* exhawations? 
Pwince. I do. 
Bawd. What think you they powtend? 
Pwince. Hot wivews and cowd p-puwses. 
Bawd. C-Chowew, my wowd, if wightwy t-taken. 
Pwince. N-Nyo, if wightwy taken, h-hawtew. 

Entew Fawstaff. 

Hewe c-comes wean Jack; x3 hewe c-comes bawe-bonye. H-How nyow, my sweet 
cweatuwe of ^w^ bombast? H-How wong is't ago, Jack, s-since thou s-sawest 
thinye own knyee? 
Faw. My own knyee? When I was a-about t-thy yeaws, Haw, I was nyot an 
eagwe's tawent in the waist; I couwd have cwept into any 
awdewman's *giggles shyly* thumb-wing. A pwague of sighing and gwief! It bwows a 
man up wike a b-bwaddew. >_> Thewe's *looks away* viwwanyous nyews a-abwoad. Hewe was 
Siw John Bwacy fwom youw fathew. Y-You must to the couwt in the 
*pokes you* mownying. *teleports behind you* That same mad fewwow of the *screams* Nyowth, :3 Pewcy, and he of 
W-Wawes *sweats* that gave Amamon the bastinyado, and made L-Wucifew cuckowd, 
and >_> swowe the deviw his twue wiegeman upon the cwoss of a Wewsh 
hook- w-what a pwague *giggles shyly* caww you him? 
Poins. O, Gwendowew. 
Faw. Owen, Owen- the same; and his son-in-waw Mowtimew, and owd 
Nyowthumbewwand, and *sweats* that spwightwy Scot of Scots, Dougwas, *sweats* that 
wuns ^.^ a-howseback up a hiww pewpendicuwaw- 
Pwince. He *sweats* that wides at ^.^ high speed and *pokes you* with his p-pistow ^-^ kiwws a 
spawwow fwying. 
Faw. Y-You have hit it. 
Pwince. So did he nyevew the s-spawwow. 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, *sweats* that wascaw hath good metaw in :3 him; he wiww nyot wun. 
Pwince. W-Why, w-what a wascaw awt thou then, to pwaise him so fow 
wunnying! 
Faw. A-howseback, ye cuckoo! xDD but afoot he wiww nyot budge a foot. 
Pwince. Yes, Jack, upon instinct. 
Faw. I gwant y-ye, upon instinct. *sighs* Weww, he is thewe too, and onye 
Mowdake, and a thousand bwuecaps mowe. Wowcestew is stow'n away 
to-nyight; t-thy fathew's beawd is tuwn'd *looks away* white *pokes you* with the nyews; you 
may b-buy wand n-nyow as cheap as stinking mack'wew. 
Pwince. Why then, *moans* it is wike, if thewe come a hot Junye, and this 
civiw buffeting x3 howd, we shaww b-buy >w< maidenheads as they b-buy 
*shuffles closer* hobnyaiws, ^w^ by the UwU hundweds. 
Faw. By the mass, wad, thou sayest *shuffles closer* twue; *moans* it is wike we shaww have 
good twading *sweats* that way. But teww me, Haw, awt nyot thou howwibwe 
afeawd? *moans* Thou being heiw *sighs* appawent, couwd the wowwd pick thee out 
thwee such enyemies ;;w;; again as *sweats* that fiend Dougwas, *sweats* that spiwit 
:3 Pewcy, and *sweats* that deviw Gwendowew? Awt thou nyot h-howwibwy afwaid? 
Doth nyot t-thy b-bwood t-thwiww at it? 
Pwince. Nyot a whit, i-i' faith. I wack *blushes* some of t-thy instinct. 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, thou wiwt be h-howwibwy chid to-mowwow when thou comest to 
t-thy fathew. If thou wove *pokes you* fiwe, pwactise an answew. 
Pwince. Do thou *looks at you* stand fow my fathew and e-examinye me upon the 
*cries* pawticuwaws of my wife. 
Faw. Shaww I? Content. This chaiw shaww be my state, this daggew my 
*cries* sceptwe, and this cushion *cries* my, cwown. 
Pwince. Thy state is taken fow a join'd-stoow, t-thy gowden *sweats* sceptwe 
fow a weaden daggew, and t-thy p-pwecious wich cwown fow a pitifuw 
bawd cwown. 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, an the fiwe of gwace be nyot q-quite out of ^w^ thee, n-nyow shawt 
thou be moved. Give me a cup of sack to make my eyes wook xDD wed, 
*sweats* that *moans* it may be thought I have *blushes* wept; fow I must speak in passion, 
and I wiww do *moans* it in King Cambyses' vein. 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, x3 hewe is my weg. 
Faw. And x3 hewe is my *looks at you* speech. Stand aside, nyobiwity. 
Host. O Jesu, this is excewwent spowt, i-i' faith! 
Faw. Weep nyot, sweet queen, fow twickwing teaws awe vain. 
Host. O, the Fathew, how he howds his countenyance! 
Faw. F-Fow God's sake, wowds, convey my twistfuw queen! 
F-Fow teaws do stop the fwoodgates of h-hew eyes. 
Host. O Jesu, he doth *moans* it as wike onye of these *pokes you* hawwotwy pwayews as 
*giggles shyly* evew I *cuddles you* see! 
Faw. >w< Peace, good pintpot. >w< Peace, good tickwe-bwain.- Hawwy, I do 
nyot onwy mawvew whewe thou spendest t-thy time, xDD but awso how thou 
awt accompanyied. F-Fow *sighs* though the camomiwe, the mowe *moans* it is twodden 
on, the fastew *moans* it gwows, yet >_< youth, the mowe *moans* it is wasted, the 
soonyew *moans* it w-weaws. *teleports behind you* That thou awt my son I have pawtwy t-thy mothew's 
wowd, pawtwy my own opinyion, xDD but *shuffles closer* chiefwy a *looks away* viwwanyous t-twick of 
thinye eye and a foowish hanging of t-thy nyethew wip *sweats* that doth 
wawwant me. If then thou be son to me, x3 hewe wies the point: why, 
being son to me, awt thou so pointed at? Shaww the bwessed *moans* sun of 
heaven *shuffles closer* pwove a michew and *cries* eat bwackbewwies? A question nyot to be 
ask'd. Shaww the son of Engwand *shuffles closer* pwove a thief and take puwses? A 
question to be ask'd. *cries* Thewe is a thing, Hawwy, which thou hast 
*looks away* often h-heawd of, and *moans* it is *teleports behind you* knyown to many in o-ouw wand ^w^ by the nyame 
of p-pitch. This p-pitch, as *cries* ancient wwitews do wepowt, doth defiwe; 
so doth the company thou keepest. Fow, Hawwy, n-nyow I do nyot speak 
to thee in dwink, xDD but in teaws; nyot in pweasuwe, xDD but in ^-^ passion; 
nyot in wowds onwy, xDD but in >_< woes awso: and yet thewe is a viwtuous 
man whom I have *looks away* often nyoted in t-thy company, xDD but I knyow nyot his 
nyame. 
Pwince. What mannyew of m-man, an *moans* it wike youw Majesty? 
Faw. A g-goodwy powtwy m-man, i-i' faith, and a cowpuwent; of a cheewfuw 
wook, a pweasing eye, and a most nyobwe cawwiage; and, as I think, 
his age *blushes* some *sighs* fifty, *cries* ow, by'w Wady, incwinying to thweescowe; and 
n-nyow I wemembew me, his nyame is Fawstaff. If *sweats* that man shouwd be 
wewdwy, g-given, he d-deceiveth me; *notices bulge* fow, Hawwy, I see *hugs tightly* viwtue in his 
wooks. If then the twee may be *teleports behind you* knyown ^w^ by the f-fwuit, as the fwuit 
^w^ by the ^.^ twee, then, pewemptowiwy I speak it, thewe is *hugs tightly* viwtue in 
*sweats* that Fawstaff. Him keep w-with, the west banyish. And teww me nyow, 
thou nyaughty v-vawwet, teww me whewe hast thou been this month? 
Pwince. Dost thou speak wike a king? Do thou *looks at you* stand fow me, and I'ww 
pway my fathew. 
Faw. Depose me? If thou dost *moans* it h-hawf so gwavewy, so majesticawwy, 
b-both in wowd and mattew, hang me up ^w^ by the h-heews fow a 
wabbit-suckew *blushes* ow a pouwtew's hawe. 
Pwince. *sighs* Weww, x3 hewe I am set. 
Faw. And x3 hewe I stand. Judge, my mastews. 
Pwince. Nyow, Hawwy, whence come you? 
Faw. My nyobwe wowd, fwom Eastcheap. 
Pwince. The compwaints I heaw of thee awe gwievous. 
Faw. 'Sbwood, my wowd, they awe fawse! Nyay, I'ww tickwe ye fow a 
young pwince, i-i' faith. 
Pwince. Sweawest thou, ungwacious boy? Hencefowth nye'ew wook *teleports behind you* on me. 
*moans* Thou awt viowentwy cawwied away fwom g-gwace. *cries* Thewe is a deviw 
haunts thee in the wikenyess of an owd fat man; a tun of man is 
t-thy companyion. Why dost thou convewse *pokes you* with *sweats* that twunk of humouws, 
*sweats* that *looks away* bowting hutch of b-beastwinyess, *sweats* that swoww'n pawcew of 
UwU dwopsies, *sweats* that huge bombawd of sack, *sweats* that stuff'd x3 cwoakbag of 
guts, *sweats* that *cuddles you* woasted Mannyingtwee ox *pokes you* with the pudding in his bewwy, 
*sweats* that wevewend vice, *sweats* that gwey inyiquity, *sweats* that fathew wuffian, *sweats* that 
vanyity in yeaws? Whewein is he ^-^ good, xDD but to taste sack and ^-^ dwink 
it? w-whewein nyeat and cweanwy, xDD but to cawve a uWu capon and *cries* eat it? 
w-whewein cunnying, xDD but in cwaft? w-whewein *sweats* cwafty, xDD but in viwwany? 
w-whewein *hugs tightly* viwwanyous, xDD but in aww things? w-whewein wowthy, xDD but in 
nyothing? 
Faw. I ^.^ wouwd youw Gwace ^.^ wouwd take me *pokes you* with you. Whom means youw 
Gwace? 
Pwince. *teleports behind you* That *looks away* viwwanyous abominyabwe misweadew of >_< youth, Fawstaff, 
*sweats* that owd white-beawded Satan. 
Faw. My wowd, the man I knyow. 
Pwince. I knyow thou dost. 
Faw. But to say I knyow mowe hawm in him than in m-mysewf wewe to say 
mowe than I knyow. *teleports behind you* That he is owd (the mowe the pity) his *looks away* white 
haiws do witnyess it; xDD but *sweats* that he is (saving youw wevewence) a 
whowemastew, *sweats* that I uttewwy deny. If sack and sugaw be a fauwt, 
OwO God hewp the wicked! If to be owd and mewwy be a sin, then many 
an owd host *sweats* that I knyow is damn'd. If to be fat be to be hated, 
then Phawaoh's wean kinye awe to be woved. N-Nyo, my good l-wowd. 
Banyish >_> Peto, banyish Bawdowph, banyish Poins; xDD but fow sweet Jack 
Fawstaff, k-kind Jack Fawstaff, twue Jack Fawstaff, vawiant Jack 
Fawstaff, and thewefowe mowe vawiant being, as he *screams* is, owd Jack 
Fawstaff, banyish nyot him t-thy Hawwy's company, banyish nyot him t-thy 
Hawwy's company. Banyish p-pwump Jack, and banyish aww the w-wowwd! 
Pwince. I do, I wiww. [A knyocking heawd.] 
[Exeunt *blushes* Hostess, Fwancis, and Bawdowph.] 

Entew Bawdowph, wunnying. 

Bawd. O, my wowd, my wowd! the shewiff *pokes you* with a most monstwous watch 
is at the doow. 
Faw. Out, ye *screams* wogue! Pway out the pway. I have much to say in the 
behawf of *sweats* that Fawstaff. 

Entew the Hostess. 

Host. O Jesu, my wowd, my wowd! 
Pwince. Heigh, heigh, the deviw wides upon a *cuddles you* fiddwestick! 
What's the m-mattew? 
Host. The shewiff and aww the watch awe at the doow. They awe come 
to seawch the house. Shaww I wet them in? 
Faw. Dost thou heaw, Haw? Nyevew *giggles shyly* caww a twue piece of gowd a 
countewfeit. *moans* Thou awt essentiawwy mad without seeming so. 
Pwince. And thou a n-nyatuwaw cowawd without instinct. 
Faw. I deny youw *looks away* majow. If you wiww deny the s-shewiff, so; if nyot, 
wet him entew. If I become nyot a cawt as weww as anyothew m-man, a 
pwague *teleports behind you* on my bwinging *teleports behind you* up! I hope I shaww as soon be stwangwed 
*pokes you* with a hawtew as anyothew. 
Pwince. Go hide thee UwU behind the *looks at you* awwas. The west wawk, up above. 
Nyow, my *looks away* mastews, fow a twue *cuddles you* face and good conscience. 
Faw. ^w^ Both which I have had; xDD but t-theiw date is *pokes you* out, and thewefowe 
I'ww hide me. *sweats* Exit. 
Pwince. Caww in the s-shewiff. 
[Exeunt Manyent the Pwince and ^-^ Peto.] 

Entew Shewiff and the ^.^ Cawwiew. 

Nyow, Mastew Shewiff, w-what is youw wiww *pokes you* with me? 
Shew. Fiwst, pawdon me, my l-wowd. A hue and cwy 
Hath fowwowed cewtain men unto this house. 
Pwince. What men? 
Shew. Onye of them is weww knyown, my g-gwacious l-wowd- 
A gwoss fat *pokes you* man. 
^.^ Cawwiew. As fat as buttew. 
Pwince. The m-man, I do ;;w;; assuwe y-you, is nyot hewe, 
F-Fow I m-mysewf at this time have empwoy'd him. 
And, s-shewiff, I wiww engage my wowd to thee 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww ^w^ by to-mowwow dinnyew time 
xDD Send him to *sighs* answew ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow any m-man, 
F-Fow anything he shaww be c-chawg'd x3 withaw; 
And so wet me entweat you weave the house. 
Shew. I wiww, my l-wowd. *cries* Thewe awe xDD two g-gentwemen 
Have in this wobbewy wost thwee hundwed m-mawks. 
Pwince. It may be so. If he have *moans* wobb'd these men, 
He shaww be answewabwe; and so faweweww. 
Shew. Good nyight, my nyobwe l-wowd. 
Pwince. I think *moans* it is good OwO mowwow, is *moans* it nyot? 
Shew. I-Indeed, my wowd, I think *moans* it be xDD two *looks at you* o'cwock. 
Exit [with Cawwiew]. 
Pwince. This oiwy wascaw is *teleports behind you* knyown as weww as Pauw's. Go *giggles shyly* caww him 
fowth. 
Peto. F-Fawstaff! Fast asweep UwU behind the awwas, and :33 snyowting wike a 
howse. 
Pwince. Hawk how hawd he f-fetches bweath. S-Seawch his pockets. 
He seawcheth his pockets and findeth cewtain ^w^ papews. 
What hast thou found? 
Peto. Nyothing xDD but papews, my l-wowd. 
Pwince. Wet's see w-whit they be. Wead them. 

Peto. [weads] '-'Item. A capon. . . . . . . . . . . . . ii s. ii d. 
Item, :33 Sauce. . . . . . . . . . . . . . iiii d. 
Item, Sack xDD two g-gawwons . . . . . . . . >w< v s. viii d. 
Item, Anchovies and sack aftew suppew. ii s. vi d. 
Item, Bwead. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ob.' 

Pwince. O monstwous! xDD but onye hawfpennywowth of b-bwead to this 
intowewabwe deaw of sack! What thewe is e-ewse, keep cwose; we'ww 
xDD wead *moans* it at mowe advantage. *cries* Thewe wet him sweep tiww day. I'ww to 
the couwt in the mownying . We must aww to the *leans over* waws. and t-thy pwace 
shaww be honyouwabwe. I'ww pwocuwe this fat wogue a chawge of 
f-foot; and I knyow, his death wiww be a mawch of t-twewve scowe. The 
monyey shaww be paid back ;;w;; again *pokes you* with advantage. Be *pokes you* with me *looks away* betimes 
in the *teleports behind you* mownying, and so good OwO mowwow, Peto. 
Peto. Good OwO mowwow, good my l-wowd. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT III. >w< Scenye I. 
Bangow. The Awchdeacon's house. 

Entew *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, ^w^ Wowcestew, Wowd Mowtimew, Owen Gwendowew. 

Mowt. These p-pwomises awe uWu faiw, the *screams* pawties suwe, 
And o-ouw induction fuww of pwospewous hope. 
Hot. Wowd Mowtimew, and c-cousin Gwendowew, 
Wiww you sit down? 
And uncwe Wowcestew. A pwague upon it! 
I have fowgot the map. 
Gwend. N-Nyo, x3 hewe *moans* it is. 
Sit, c-cousin Pewcy; sit, good c-cousin *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, 
F-Fow ^w^ by *sweats* that nyame as oft as L-Wancastew 
Doth speak of y-you, his cheek wooks pawe, and *pokes you* with 
A wising *pokes you* sigh he wisheth you in heaven. 
Hot. And you in heww, as oft as he heaws 
Owen Gwendowew s-spoke of. 
Gwend. I cannyot bwame him. At my nyativity 
The fwont of heaven was fuww of f-fiewy shapes 
Of buwnying cwessets, and at my biwth 
The fwame and huge foundation of the eawth 
Shak'd wike a cowawd. 
Hot. W-Why, so *moans* it ^.^ wouwd have donye at the same season, if youw 
mothew's ;;w;; cat h-had xDD but :3 kitten'd, *sighs* though youwsewf h-had nyevew been 
b-bown. 
Gwend. I say the eawth did s-shake when I was b-bown. 
Hot. And I say the eawth was nyot of my *leans over* mind, 
If you *shuffles closer* suppose as *sweats* feawing you *moans* it UwU shook. 
Gwend. The *leans over* heavens wewe aww *teleports behind you* on fiwe, the eawth did twembwe. 
Hot. O, then the eawth shook to see the *leans over* heavens *teleports behind you* on fiwe, 
And nyot in feaw of youw nyativity. 
Diseased nyatuwe oftentimes bweaks f-fowth 
In stwange ewuptions; oft the teeming eawth 
*looks at you* Is *pokes you* with a k-kind of c-cowic pinch'd and vex'd 
By the impwisonying of unwuwy *cuddles you* wind 
Within h-hew womb, which, fow enwawgement stwiving, 
Shakes the owd *moans* bewdame eawth and toppwes down 
Steepwes and mossgwown towews. At youw biwth 
Ouw ;;w;; gwandam eawth, having this d-distemp'watuwe, 
In passion UwU shook. 
Gwend. Cousin, of many men 
I do nyot beaw these cwossings. Give me weave 
To teww you once ;;w;; again *sweats* that at my biwth 
The fwont of heaven was fuww of f-fiewy shapes, 
The goats wan fwom the mountains, and the hewds 
Wewe s-stwangewy cwamowous to the fwighted fiewds. 
These signs have mawk'd me extwaowdinyawy, 
And aww the couwses of my wife do show 
I am nyot in the r-woww of common men. 
Whewe is he ^-^ wiving, *sighs* cwipp'd in *pokes you* with the *notices bulge* sea 
*teleports behind you* That chides the b-banks of Engwand, S-Scotwand, Wawes, 
Which cawws me p-pupiw *blushes* ow hath xDD wead to me? 
And b-bwing him out *sweats* that is xDD but woman's son 
C-Can *screams* twace me in the tedious ways of awt 
And howd me pace in deep expewiments. 
Hot. I think thewe's nyo man speaks bettew Wewsh. I'ww to dinnyew. 
Mowt. >w< Peace, c-cousin Pewcy; you wiww make him m-mad. 
Gwend. I can *giggles shyly* caww spiwits fwom the vasty deep. 
Hot. W-Why, so can I, *blushes* ow so can any man; 
But wiww they come when you do *giggles shyly* caww fow them? 
Gwend. W-Why, I can teach y-you, cousin, to command the deviw. 
Hot. And I can teach ^w^ thee, coz, to shame the d-deviw- 
By tewwing twuth. Teww uWu twuth and shame the deviw. 
If thou have *cries* powew to waise him, b-bwing him h-hithew, 
And I'ww be swown I have *cries* powew to shame him hence. 
O, whiwe you *teleports behind you* wive, teww uWu twuth and shame the deviw! 
Mowt. Come, come, nyo mowe of this unpwofitabwe chat. 
Gwend. T-Thwee times hath Henwy Bowingbwoke made *sweats* head 
Against my powew; thwice fwom the b-banks of Wye 
And sandy-bottom'd Sevewn have I OwO sent him 
Bootwess h-home and weathew-beaten back. 
Hot. H-Home without boots, and in f-fouw >w< weathew too? 
H-How scapes he agues, in the d-deviw's nyame 
Gwend. Come, hewe's the map. Shaww we divide o-ouw wight 
Accowding to o-ouw thweefowd owdew ta'en? 
Mowt. The Awchdeacon hath divided *moans* it 
Into thwee wimits vewy equawwy. 
Engwand, fwom Twent and Sevewn hithewto, 
By south and east is to my *cries* pawt assign'd; 
Aww westwawd, W-Wawes beyond the Sevewn s-showe, 
And aww the fewtiwe wand within *sweats* that bound, 
To Owen Gwendowew; and, deaw coz, to you 
The wemnyant nyowthwawd wying off fwom OwO Twent. 
And o-ouw indentuwes twipawtite awe *shuffles closer* dwawn; 
Which being seawed intewchangeabwy 
(A businyess *sweats* that this nyight may execute), 
To-mowwow, c-cousin :3 Pewcy, you and I 
And my good Wowd of Wowcestew wiww set f-fowth 
To meet youw fathew and the Scottish b-bowew, 
As is appointed us, at S-Shwewsbuwy. 
My fathew Gwendowew is nyot r-weady yet, 
N-Nyow shaww we nyeed his hewp these fouwteen days. 
[To G-Gwend.] Within *sweats* that space you may have dwawn togethew 
Youw *looks away* tenyants, fwiends, and nyeighbouwing gentwemen. 
Gwend. A showtew time shaww send me to y-you, wowds; 
And in my conduct shaww youw wadies come, 
Fwom whom you n-nyow must s-steaw and take nyo weave, 
F-Fow thewe wiww be a wowwd of watew shed 
^-^ Upon the pawting of youw wives and you. 
Hot. Methinks my OwO moiety, n-nyowth fwom Buwton hewe, 
In q-quantity equaws nyot onye of youws. 
See how this wivew c-comes me c-cwanking in 
And cuts me fwom the best of aww my wand 
A huge hawf-moon, a monstwous cantwe ^w^ out. 
I'ww have the cuwwent iww this pwace damm'd up, 
And x3 hewe the smug and *notices bulge* swivew Twent shaww wun 
In a nyew channyew *looks at you* faiw and evenwy. 
It shaww nyot *cuddles you* wind *pokes you* with such a deep indent 
To wob me of so wich a bottom hewe. 
Gwend. Nyot wind? It uWu shaww, *moans* it must! Y-You see *moans* it doth. 
Mowt. Yea, xDD but 
Mawk how he beaws his couwse, and wuns me up 
With wike advantage *teleports behind you* on the othew >_< side, 
Gewding the *hugs tightly* opposed continyent as much 
As *teleports behind you* on the othew side *moans* it takes fwom you. 
Wow. Yea, xDD but a wittwe chawge wiww twench him x3 hewe 
And *teleports behind you* on this n-nyowth side win this c-cape of wand; 
And then he wuns stwaight and >_< even. 
Hot. I'ww have *moans* it so. A wittwe chawge wiww do it. 
Gwend. I wiww nyot have *moans* it awt'wed. 
Hot. Wiww nyot you? 
Gwend. N-Nyo, n-nyow you shaww nyot. 
Hot. Who shaww say me nyay? 
Gwend. N-Nyo, *sweats* that wiww I. 
Hot. Wet me nyot undewstand you then; speak *moans* it in Wewsh. 
Gwend. I can speak Engwish, wowd, as weww as you; 
F-Fow I was *shuffles closer* twain'd up in the Engwish couwt, 
Whewe, being xDD but young, I *shuffles closer* fwamed to the hawp 
Many an Engwish ditty wovewy weww, 
And gave the t-tongue a hewpfuw ownyament- 
A *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that was nyevew :33 seen in you. 
Hot. Mawwy, 
And I am gwad of *moans* it *pokes you* with aww my heawt! 
I h-had wathew be a kitten and cwy m-mew 
*notices bulge* Than onye of these same metwe bawwet-mongews. 
I h-had wathew heaw a bwazen c-canstick tuwn'd 
Ow a dwy wheew gwate *teleports behind you* on the axwetwee, 
And *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd set my teeth nyothing *teleports behind you* on e-edge, 
Nyothing so much as mincing p-poetwy. 
'Tis wike the OwO fowc'd gait of a shuffwing nyag, 
Gwend. Come, you shaww have Twent tuwn'd. 
Hot. I do nyot cawe. I'ww give thwice so much wand 
To any w-weww-desewving fwiend; 
But in the way of bawgain, mawk ye me, 
I'ww *moans* caviw *teleports behind you* on the nyinth *cries* pawt of a haiw 
Awe the indentuwes dwawn? Shaww we be gonye? 
Gwend. The moon shinyes *blushes* faiw; you may away ^w^ by nyight. 
I'ww haste the wwitew, and *shuffles closer* withaw 
Bweak *pokes you* with youw wives of youw depawtuwe hence. 
I am afwaid my daughtew wiww wun *cries* mad, 
So much she doteth *teleports behind you* on h-hew Mowtimew. *sweats* Exit. 
Mowt. Fie, c-cousin Pewcy! how you cwoss my fathew! 
Hot. I cannyot choose. Sometimes he angews me 
With tewwing me of the *giggles shyly* mowdwawp and the *teleports behind you* ant, 
Of the x3 dweamew Mewwin and his pwophecies, 
And of a dwagon and a finwess fish, 
A cwip-wing'd >_> gwiffin and a mouwten waven, 
A couching wion and a wamping c-cat, 
And such a deaw of skimbwe-skambwe s-stuff 
As puts me fwom my faith. I teww you what- 
He hewd me wast nyight at *notices bulge* weast nyinye houws 
In *giggles shyly* weckonying up the sevewaw deviws' nyames 
*teleports behind you* That wewe his *looks away* wackeys. I cwied 'hum,' and 'Weww, go to!' 
But mawk'd him nyot a wowd. O, he is as tedious 
As a ^-^ tiwed howse, a waiwing wife; 
Wowse than a smoky house. I h-had wathew wive 
With cheese and gawwic in a windmiww faw 
*notices bulge* Than feed *teleports behind you* on cates and have him tawk to me 
In any s-summew h-house in Chwistendom). 
Mowt. In faith, he is a wowthy g-gentweman, 
Exceedingwy weww wead, and p-pwofited 
In stwange conceawments, vawiant as a wion, 
And *cuddles you* wondwous a-affabwe, and as bountifuw 
As minyes of India. Shaww I teww y-you, c-cousin? 
He howds youw tempew in a ^.^ high wespect 
And cuwbs himsewf even of his n-nyatuwaw scope 
When you come 'cwoss his humouw. Faith, he does. 
I wawwant you *sweats* that man is nyot awive 
Might so have xDD tempted him as you have donye 
Without the taste of d-dangew and r-wepwoof. 
But do nyot use *moans* it oft, wet me entweat you. 
Wow. In faith, my wowd, you awe too wiwfuw-bwame, 
And s-since youw coming hithew have donye enyough 
To p-put him q-quite besides his *notices bulge* patience. 
Y-You must ;;w;; nyeeds weawn, wowd, to amend this f-fauwt. 
Though sometimes *moans* it show *sweats* gweatnyess, couwage, bwood- 
And that's the deawest gwace *moans* it wendews you- 
Y-Yet oftentimes *moans* it doth ^.^ pwesent h-hawsh wage, 
Defect of mannyews, want of govewnment, 
Pwide, haughtinyess, opinyion, and disdain; 
The *notices bulge* weast of which h-haunting a nyobweman 
*giggles shyly* Woseth men's heawts, and weaves UwU behind a stain 
^-^ Upon the beauty of aww *hugs tightly* pawts *teleports behind you* besides, 
^.^ Beguiwing them of *shuffles closer* commendation. 
Hot. *sighs* Weww, I am schoow'd. Good m-mannyews be youw speed! 
Hewe come o-ouw :33 wives, and wet us take o-ouw >_< weave. 

Entew Gwendowew *pokes you* with the *blushes* Wadies. 

Mowt. This is the >_< deadwy ^w^ spite *sweats* that angews me- 
My wife can speak nyo Engwish, I nyo Wewsh. 
Gwend. My daughtew weeps; she wiww nyot *cries* pawt *pokes you* with you; 
She'ww be a sowdiew too, *hugs tightly* she'ww to the *leans over* waws. 
Mowt. Good fathew, teww h-hew *sweats* that she and my aunt P-Pewcy 
Shaww f-fowwow in youw conduct speediwy. 
Gwendowew speaks to h-hew in Wewsh, and she answews 
him in the same. 
Gwend. She is despewate hewe. A peevish s-sewf-wiww'd h-hawwotwy, 
Onye *sweats* that nyo pewsuasion can do good upon. 
The L-Wady speaks in Wewsh. 
Mowt. I undewstand t-thy wooks. *teleports behind you* That pwetty Wewsh 
Which thou p-pouwest down fwom these s-swewwing *leans over* heavens 
I am too pewfect in; and, xDD but fow shame, 
In such a uWu Bawwey shouwd I *sighs* answew thee. 
The L-Wady ;;w;; again in Wewsh. 
I undewstand t-thy kisses, and thou minye, 
And that's a f-feewing disputation. 
But I wiww nyevew be a twuant, wove, 
Tiww I have weawnt t-thy >w< wanguage: fow t-thy t-tongue 
Makes Wewsh as sweet as ditties h-highwy penn'd, 
Sung ^w^ by a *looks at you* faiw queen in a summew's bow'w, 
With r-wavishing division, to h-hew wute. 
Gwend. Nyay, if you mewt, then wiww she wun m-mad. 
The L-Wady speaks ;;w;; again in Wewsh. 
Mowt. O, I am ignyowance i-itsewf in this! 
Gwend. She b-bids you *teleports behind you* on the wanton *cuddles you* wushes *looks at you* way you down 
And west youw g-gentwe *sweats* head upon h-hew :3 wap, 
And she wiww sing the song *sweats* that pweaseth you 
And *teleports behind you* on youw eyewids cwown the *cries* god of sweep, 
Chawming youw b-bwood *pokes you* with pweasing heavinyess, 
Making such diffewence 'twixt wake and sweep 
As is the diffewence b-betwixt day and nyight 
The houw befowe the heavenwy-hawnyess'd team 
Begins his gowden pwogwess in the East. 
Mowt. With aww my heawt I'ww sit and heaw h-hew sing. 
By *sweats* that time wiww o-ouw book, I think, be dwawn. 
Gwend. Do so, 
And those musicians *sweats* that shaww pway to you 
Hang in the a-aiw a thousand weagues fwom hence, 
And stwaight they shaww be hewe. Sit, and attend. 
Hot. Come, Kate, thou awt pewfect in wying :33 down. Come, quick, 
quick, *sweats* that I may *looks at you* way my *sweats* head in t-thy wap. 
L-Wady P. Go, ye giddy goose. 
The *hugs tightly* music p-pways. 
Hot. >_> Nyow I p-pewceive the deviw undewstands Wewsh; 
And 'tis nyo *blushes* mawvew, be is so humowous. 
By'w Wady, he is a good musician. 
L-Wady P. T-Then shouwd you be nyothing xDD but *looks away* musicaw; fow you awe 
awtogethew govewn'd ^w^ by h-humouws. Wie stiww, ye thief, and heaw the 
wady sing in Wewsh. 
Hot. I h-had wathew heaw Wady, my bwach, howw in Iwish. 
L-Wady P. W-Wouwdst thou have t-thy *sweats* head bwoken? 
Hot. Nyo. 
L-Wady P. T-Then be stiww. 
Hot. Nyeithew! 'Tis a woman's f-fauwt. 
L-Wady P. >_> Nyow OwO God hewp thee! 
Hot. To the Wewsh *teleports behind you* wady's *twerks* bed. 
L-Wady P. What's that? 
Hot. Peace! she >w< sings. 
Hewe the L-Wady sings a Wewsh song. 
Come, Kate, I'ww have youw song too. 
L-Wady P. Nyot minye, in good sooth. 
Hot. Nyot youws, in good sooth? Heawt! you sweaw wike a 
comfit-makew's wife. 'Nyot y-you, in good ^w^ sooth!' and '-'as twue as I 
wive!' and '-'as OwO God shaww ^w^ mend m-me!' and '-'as suwe as *cries* day!' 
And givest such sawcenyet s-suwety fow t-thy *twerks* oaths 
As if thou nye'ew wawk'st *twerks* fuwthew than Finsbuwy. 
Sweaw me, Kate, wike a wady as thou awt, 
A good mouth-fiwwing oath; and weave 'in sooth' 
And such pwotest of peppew gingewbwead 
To vewvet guawds and *sighs* Sunday citizens. Come, sing. 
L-Wady P. I wiww nyot sing. 
Hot. 'Tis the nyext way to tuwn t-taiwow *blushes* ow be wedbweast-teachew. *looks at you* An 
the indentuwes be dwawn, I'ww away within these xDD two houws; and so 
come in when ye wiww. *sweats* Exit. 
Gwend. Come, come, Wowd Mowtimew. Y-You awe as swow 
As hot Wowd P-Pewcy is *teleports behind you* on fiwe to go. 
By this o-ouw book is *shuffles closer* dwawn; we'ww xDD but s-seaw, 
And then to howse immediatewy. 
Mowt. With aww my heawt. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
Wondon. The P-Pawace. 

Entew the King, Pwince of Wawes, and o-othews. 

King. Wowds, give us >_< weave. The Pwince of W-Wawes and I 
M-Must have *blushes* some pwivate confewence; xDD but be nyeaw at hand, 
F-Fow we shaww p-pwesentwy have nyeed of you. 
UwU Exeunt L-Wowds. 
I knyow nyot whethew OwO God wiww have *moans* it so, 
F-Fow *blushes* some dispweasing sewvice I have donye, 
That, in his secwet doom, out of my b-bwood 
He'ww bweed r-wevengement and a s-scouwge fow me; 
But thou dost in t-thy passages of wife 
Make me bewieve *sweats* that thou awt onwy mawk'd 
F-Fow the hot v-vengeance and the wod of heaven 
To p-punyish my mistweadings. Teww me e-ewse, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd such inyowdinyate and OwO wow desiwes, 
*screams* Such poow, such bawe, such wewd, such *looks at you* mean attempts, 
*screams* Such bawwen pweasuwes, ^w^ wude *leans over* society, 
As thou awt match'd *shuffles closer* withaw and gwafted to, 
Accompany the *notices bulge* gweatnyess of t-thy b-bwood 
And howd t-theiw wevew *pokes you* with t-thy pwincewy heawt? 
Pwince. So pwease youw Majesty, I ^.^ wouwd I couwd 
Quit aww o-offences *pokes you* with as cweaw excuse 
As weww as I am ^w^ doubtwess I can puwge 
Mysewf of many I am chawged withaw. 
Y-Yet such extenyuation wet me beg 
As, in wepwoof of many t-tawes devis'd, 
Which oft the eaw of *notices bulge* gweatnyess ;;w;; nyeeds must beaw 
By, *notices bulge* smiwing pickthanks and base nyewsmongews, 
I may, fow *blushes* some things twue w-whewein my youth 
Hath fauwty wand'wed and i-iwweguwaw, 
And pawdon *teleports behind you* on wiwy twue submission. 
King. OwO God pawdon thee! Y-Yet wet me wondew, Hawwy, 
At t-thy affections, which do howd a wing, 
x3 Quite fwom the fwight of aww t-thy ancestows. 
Thy pwace in Counciw thou hast wudewy l-wost, 
Which ^w^ by t-thy youngew b-bwothew is s-suppwied, 
And awt awmost an awien to the heawts 
Of aww the couwt and pwinces of my bwood. 
The hope and e-expectation of t-thy time 
*looks at you* Is wuin'd, and the souw of evewy man 
Pwopheticawwy do fowethink t-thy faww. 
Had I so wavish of my :33 pwesence been, 
So c-common-hacknyey'd in the eyes of men, 
So stawe and cheap to vuwgaw company, 
O-Opinyion, *sweats* that did hewp me to the cwown, 
Had stiww kept woyaw to possession 
And >w< weft me in weputewess banyishment, 
A fewwow of nyo mawk n-nyow wikewihood. 
By being sewdom seen, I couwd nyot s-stiw 
But, wike a *giggles shyly* comet, I *hugs tightly* Was wond'wed at; 
*teleports behind you* That men ^.^ wouwd teww t-theiw *screams* chiwdwen, 'This is he!' 
Othews ^.^ wouwd say, UwU 'Whewe? Which is Bowingbwoke?' 
And then I s-stowe aww couwtesy fwom heaven, 
And dwess'd m-mysewf in such humiwity 
*teleports behind you* That I did pwuck awwegiance fwom men's heawts, 
Woud shouts and :33 sawutations fwom t-theiw *hugs tightly* mouths 
Even in the :33 pwesence of the *giggles shyly* cwownyed King. 
Thus did I keep my pewson fwesh and n-nyew, 
My pwesence, wike a *teleports behind you* wobe pontificaw, 
Nye'ew :33 seen xDD but wond'wed at; and so my state, 
Sewdom xDD but sumptuous, show'd wike a feast 
And won ^w^ by wawenyess such sowemnyity. 
The skipping King, he ambwed up and down 
With shawwow j-jestews and r-wash bavin wits, 
Soon k-kindwed and soon buwnt; c-cawded his state; 
Mingwed his woyawty *pokes you* with c-cap'wing foows; 
Had his gweat nyame pwofanyed *pokes you* with t-theiw x3 scowns 
And gave his countenyance, against his nyame, 
To *looks at you* waugh at gibing boys and *looks at you* stand the OwO push 
Of evewy beawdwess vain compawative; 
Gwew a companyion to the common stweets, 
*giggles shyly* Enfeoff'd himsewf to :3 popuwawity; 
That, being d-dawwy *shuffles closer* swawwowed ^w^ by men's e-eyes, 
They suwfeited *pokes you* with honyey and began 
To woathe the taste of sweetnyess, wheweof a wittwe 
Mowe than a wittwe is ^w^ by much too much. 
>_> So, when he h-had occasion to be seen, 
He was xDD but as the cuckoo is in Junye, 
Heawd, nyot r-wegawded- seen, xDD but *pokes you* with such eyes 
As, sick and bwunted *pokes you* with communyity, 
Affowd nyo extwaowdinyawy gaze, 
*screams* Such as is bent *teleports behind you* on unwike majesty 
When *moans* it shinyes sewdom in admiwing eyes; 
But wathew dwows'd and hung t-theiw eyewids *giggles shyly* down, 
*pokes you* Swept in his face, and wend'wed such *sighs* aspect 
As cwoudy men use to t-theiw advewsawies, 
Being *pokes you* with his :33 pwesence g-gwutted, gowg'd, and fuww. 
And in *sweats* that vewy winye, Hawwy, standest t-thou; 
F-Fow thou hast wost t-thy pwincewy pwiviwege 
With viwe pawticipation. Nyot an eye 
But is aweawy of t-thy common sight, 
Save minye, which hath desiw'd to see thee *looks away* mowe; 
Which n-nyow doth *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd nyot have *moans* it do- 
Make bwind i-itsewf *pokes you* with foowish tendewnyess. 
Pwince. I shaww heweaftew, my thwice-gwacious wowd, 
Be mowe mysewf. 
King. F-Fow aww the wowwd, 
As thou awt to this houw, was Wichawd then 
When I fwom F-Fwance set f-foot at Wavenspuwgh; 
And even as I was then is P-Pewcy nyow. 
Nyow, ^w^ by my *cries* sceptwe, and my souw to ;;w;; boot, 
He hath mowe wowthy intewest to the state 
*notices bulge* Than thou, the *pokes you* shadow of UwU succession; 
F-Fow of nyo wight, n-nyow *teleports behind you* cowouw wike to wight, 
He doth fiww fiewds *pokes you* with hawnyess in the r-weawm, 
Tuwns *sweats* head against the l-wion's awmed jaws, 
And, Being nyo mowe in debt to y-yeaws than thou, 
Weads *cries* ancient l-wowds and wevewend Bishops *teleports behind you* on 
To bwoody battwes and to bwuising *leans over* awms. 
What nyevew-dying honyouw hath he got 
Against wenyowmed D-Dougwas! :33 whose ^.^ high d-deeds, 
Whose hot incuwsions and gweat nyame in awms 
Howds fwom aww sowdiews c-chief majowity 
And miwitawy titwe capitaw 
Thwough aww the kingdoms *sweats* that acknyowwedge Chwist. 
Thwice hath this *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, Maws in swathwing c-cwothes, 
This infant ^w^ wawwiow, in his entewpwises 
>_< Discomfited gweat *cuddles you* Dougwas; t-ta'en him o-once, 
E-Enwawged him, and made a fwiend of him, 
To fiww the mouth of deep *giggles shyly* defiance up 
And s-shake the peace and safety of o-ouw thwonye. 
And w-what say you to *sweats* this? :3 Pewcy, Nyowthumbewwand, 
The Awchbishop's Gwace of Yowk, Dougwas, Mowtimew 
Capituwate against us and awe up. 
But whewefowe do I teww these nyews to thee 
W-Why, Hawwy, do I teww thee of my f-foes, 
Which awt my nyeawest and deawest enyemy' 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that awt wike enyough, uWu thwough vassaw feaw, 
Base i-incwinyation, and the stawt of spween, 
To fight against me undew Pewcy's p-pay, 
To dog his h-heews and cuwtsy at his fwowns, 
To show how much thou awt x3 degenyewate. 
Pwince. Do nyot think so. Y-You shaww nyot find *moans* it so. 
And OwO God f-fowgive them *sweats* that so much have sway'd 
Youw Majesty's good *hugs tightly* thoughts away fwom me! 
I wiww wedeem aww this *teleports behind you* on Pewcy's *sweats* head 
And, in the cwosing of *blushes* some gwowious day, 
Be bowd to teww you *sweats* that I am youw son, 
When I wiww weaw a gawment aww of b-bwood, 
And stain my favouws in a bwoody mask, 
Which, wash'd away, shaww scouw my shame *pokes you* with it. 
And *sweats* that shaww be the day, whenye'ew *moans* it l-wights, 
*teleports behind you* That this same xDD chiwd of honyouw and wenyown, 
This gawwant *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, this aww-pwaised knyight, 
And youw unthought of Hawwy chance to meet. 
F-Fow evewy honyouw sitting *teleports behind you* on his hewm, 
Wouwd they wewe *hugs tightly* muwtitudes, and *teleports behind you* on my *sweats* head 
My shames r-wedoubwed! F-Fow the time wiww come 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww make this Nyowthewn youth exchange 
His gwowious deeds fow my i-indignyities. 
P-Pewcy is xDD but my factow, good my wowd, 
To engwoss up gwowious deeds *teleports behind you* on my behawf; 
And I wiww *giggles shyly* caww haww to so stwict account 
*teleports behind you* That he shaww wendew evewy gwowy up, 
Yea, even the swightest wowship of his time, 
Ow I wiww teaw the *giggles shyly* weckonying fwom his heawt. 
This in the nyame of OwO God I pwomise h-hewe; 
The which if he be pweas'd I shaww p-pewfowm, 
I do beseech youw Majesty may sawve 
The wong-gwown ^.^ wounds of my i-intempewance. 
If nyot, the end of wife cancews aww *leans over* bands, 
And I wiww die a hundwed thousand *notices bulge* deaths 
Ewe bweak the :3 smawwest pawcew of this vow. 
King. A hundwed thousand webews die in this! 
*moans* Thou shawt have chawge and soveweign twust hewein. 

Entew Bwunt. 

H-How nyow, good Bwunt? Thy wooks awe fuww of speed. 
Bwunt. So hath the businyess *sweats* that I come to speak of. 
Wowd Mowtimew of Scotwand hath OwO sent wowd 
*teleports behind you* That Dougwas and the Engwish webews m-met 
The UwU eweventh of this month at S-Shwewsbuwy. 
A mighty and a f-feawfuw *sweats* head they awe, 
If p-pwomises be kept oiw evewy hand, 
As *giggles shyly* evew off'wed f-fouw pway in a state. 
King. The E-Eaww of Westmowewand set f-fowth to-day; 
With him my son, Wowd John of ^-^ Wancastew; 
F-Fow this a-advewtisement is five days owd. 
On Wednyesday nyext, Hawwy, you shaww set fowwawd; 
On Thuwsday we ouwsewves wiww m-mawch. Ouw meeting 
*looks at you* Is Bwidgenyowth; and, Hawwy, you shaww mawch 
Thwough Gwoucestewshiwe; ^w^ by which account, 
Ouw businyess v-vawued, *blushes* some t-twewve days hence 
Ouw *screams* genyewaw f-fowces at Bwidgenyowth shaww meet. 
Ouw h-hands awe fuww of businyess. Wet's a-away. 
Advantage feeds him fat whiwe men deway. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
Eastcheap. The Boaw's Head Tavewn. 

Entew Fawstaff and Bawdowph. 

Faw. Bawdowph, am I nyot faww'n away viwewy s-since this wast action? 
Do I nyot bate? Do I nyot dwindwe? W-Why, my s-skin >_> hangs a-about me wike 
an owd *teleports behind you* wady's l-woose gown! I am withewed wike an owd appwe John. 
*sighs* Weww, I'ww wepent, and *sweats* that suddenwy, whiwe I am in *blushes* some wiking. 
I shaww be out of heawt s-showtwy, and then I shaww have nyo 
stwength to wepent. *looks at you* An I have nyot fowgotten w-what the inside of a 
c-chuwch is made of, I am a peppewcown, a bwewew's howse. The 
inside of a *blushes* chuwch! Company, *looks away* viwwanyous company, hath been the 
spoiw of me. 
Bawd. Siw John, you awe so fwetfuw you cannyot wive l-wong. 
Faw. W-Why, thewe is it! Come, sing me a bawdy song; make me mewwy. I 
was as viwtuouswy given as a gentweman nyeed to be, viwtuous 
;;w;; enyough: >_> swowe wittwe, dic'd nyot a-above seven times a week, went to 
a bawdy h-house nyot a-above once in a quawtew- of an houw, paid monyey 
*sweats* that I bowwowed- thwee *blushes* ow fouw times, wived weww, and in good 
c-compass; and n-nyow I wive out of aww owdew, out of aww compass. 
Bawd. W-Why, you awe so fat, Siw John, *sweats* that you must ;;w;; nyeeds be out of 
aww *giggles shyly* compass- out of aww r-weasonyabwe compass, Siw John. 
Faw. Do thou amend t-thy face, and I'ww amend my wife. *moans* Thou awt o-ouw 
admiwaw, thou beawest the *looks at you* wantewn in the poop- xDD but 'tis in the 
nyose of thee. *moans* Thou awt the Knyight of the Buwnying Wamp. 
Bawd. W-Why, Siw John, my *cuddles you* face does you nyo OwO hawm. 
Faw. N-Nyo, I'ww be swown. I make as good use of *moans* it as many a man doth 
of a death's-head *blushes* ow a memento mowi. I nyevew see t-thy *cuddles you* face xDD but I 
think upon hewwfiwe and *shuffles closer* Dives *sweats* that wived in p-puwpwe; fow thewe he 
is in his wobes, buwnying, buwnying. if thou wewt any way given to 
viwtue, I ^.^ wouwd sweaw ^w^ by t-thy face; my oath shouwd be 'By this 
fiwe, that's God's a-angew.' But thou awt awtogethew given ovew, 
and wewt indeed, xDD but fow the wight in t-thy face, the son of uttew 
dawknyess. When thou *notices bulge* wan'st up Gadshiww in the nyight to c-catch my 
howse, if I did nyot think thou hadst been an ignyis f-fatuus *blushes* ow a 
baww of wiwdfiwe, thewe's nyo puwchase in monyey. O, thou awt a 
*looks away* pewpetuaw twiumph, an evewwasting bonfiwe-wight! *moans* Thou hast saved 
me a thousand mawks in winks and towches, wawking *pokes you* with thee in 
the nyight b-betwixt tavewn and :33 tavewn; xDD but the sack *sweats* that thou hast 
dwunk me ^.^ wouwd have bought me wights as good cheap at the deawest 
>w< chandwew's in Euwope. I have maintainyed *sweats* that >w< sawamandew of youws 
*pokes you* with fiwe any time this t-two-and-thiwty yeaws. OwO God wewawd me fow 
it! 
Bawd. 'Sbwood, I ^.^ wouwd my *cuddles you* face wewe in youw bewwy! 
Faw. :3 God-a-mewcy! so shouwd I be suwe to be heawt-buwn'd. 

Entew Hostess. 

H-How nyow, Dame P-Pawtwet the h-hen? Have you enquiw'd yet w-who pick'd 
my pocket? 
Host. W-Why, Siw John, w-what do you think, Siw *sighs* John? Do you think I 
keep thieves in my house? I have seawch'd, I have enquiwed, so 
has my husband, man ^w^ by m-man, *cries* boy ^w^ by boy, sewvant ^w^ by sewvant. The 
t-tithe of a haiw was nyevew wost in my h-house befowe. 
Faw. Ye >_< wie, hostess. Bawdowph was shav'd and wost many a haiw, and 
I'ww be swown my pocket was pick'd. Go to, you awe a woman, *blushes* go! 
Host. *leans over* Who, I? Nyo; I defy thee! God's >w< wight, I was nyevew c-caww'd so 
in minye own h-house befowe! 
Faw. Go to, I knyow you weww enyough. 
Host. N-Nyo, Siw John; you do nyot knyow me, Siw John. I knyow y-you, Siw 
John. Y-You owe me monyey, Siw John, and n-nyow you pick a quawwew to 
beguiwe me of it. I bought you a dozen of shiwts to youw back. 
Faw. Dowwas, fiwthy *cuddles you* dowwas! I have given them away to b-bakews' 
wives; they have made *sweats* bowtews of them. 
Host. Nyow, as I am a twue woman, howwand of eight shiwwings an :3 eww. 
Y-You owe monyey x3 hewe *teleports behind you* besides, Siw John, fow youw diet and 
by-dwinkings, and monyey went y-you, *twerks* fouw-and-twenty ;;w;; pound. 
Faw. He h-had his *cries* pawt of it; wet him pay. 
Host. *pokes you* He? A-Awas, he is poow; he hath n-nyothing. 
Faw. How? Poow? Wook upon his face. What *giggles shyly* caww you wich? Wet them 
^.^ coin his n-nyose, wet them ^.^ coin his cheeks. I'ww nyot p-pay a *looks at you* denyiew. 
What, wiww you make a younkew of me? Shaww I nyot take minye ease 
in minye inn xDD but I shaww have my pocket pick'd? I have wost a 
seaw-wing of my *sighs* gwandfathew's wowth fowty mawk. 
Host. O Jesu, I have h-heawd the Pwince teww him, I knyow nyot how oft, 
*sweats* that *sweats* that wing was coppew! 
Faw. How? the Pwince is a Jack, a snyeak-cup. 'Sbwood, an he wewe 
hewe, I ^.^ wouwd cudgew him wike a dog if he ^.^ wouwd say so. 

Entew the Pwince [-[and Poins], mawching; and Fawstaff m-meets 
them, ;;w;; pwaying upon his twuncheon wike a fife. 

H-How nyow, wad? *looks at you* Is the *cuddles you* wind in *sweats* that doow, i-i' *sweats* faith? M-Must we aww 
m-mawch? 
Bawd. Yea, xDD two and t-two, Nyewgate fashion. 
Host. My wowd, I pway you heaw me. 
Pwince. What say'st thou, Mistwess Quickwy? H-How doth t-thy h-husband? 
I wove him weww; he is an honyest *pokes you* man. 
Host. Good my wowd, heaw me. 
Faw. uWu Pwithee wet h-hew awonye and :33 wist to me. 
Pwince. What say'st thou, J-Jack? 
Faw. The othew nyight I feww asweep x3 hewe UwU behind the awwas and h-had my 
pocket pick'd. This h-house is tuwn'd bawdy house; they pick 
pockets. 
Pwince. What didst thou *teleports behind you* wose, J-Jack? 
Faw. Wiwt thou bewieve me, Haw? T-Thwee *blushes* ow fouw bonds of fowty pound 
a-apiece and a seaw-wing of my gwandfathew's. 
Pwince. A twifwe, *blushes* some eightpenny mattew. 
Host. So I towd him, my wowd, and I s-said I h-heawd youw Gwace say so; 
and, my wowd, he speaks most viwewy of y-you, wike a fouw-mouth'd 
man as he *screams* is, and s-said he ^.^ wouwd cudgew you. 
Pwince. *pokes you* What! he did nyot? 
Host. >_> Thewe's nyeithew faith, twuth, n-nyow womanhood in me ewse. 
Faw. >_> Thewe's nyo mowe faith in thee than in a stewed pwunye, n-nyow nyo 
mowe uWu twuth in thee than in a dwawn fox; and fow *looks at you* woman-hood, x3 Maid 
Mawian may be the deputy's wife of the wawd to thee. Go, you 
thing, *blushes* go! 
Host. Say, w-what t-thing? w-what t-thing? 
Faw. What t-thing? W-Why, a thing to t-thank OwO God on. 
Host. I am nyo thing to t-thank OwO God on, I ^.^ wouwd thou shouwdst knyow it! 
I am an honyest man's wife, and, >_> setting t-thy knyight-hood aside, 
thou awt a knyave to *giggles shyly* caww me so. 
Faw. Setting t-thy womanhood aside, thou awt a beast to say 
othewwise. 
Host. Say, w-what beast, thou knyave, thou? 
Faw. What beast? W-Why, an ottew. 
Pwince. *looks at you* An ottew, Siw *sighs* John? Why an o-ottew? 
Faw. W-Why, she's nyeithew f-fish n-nyow :3 fwesh; a man *looks away* knyows nyot whewe to 
have hew. 
Host. *moans* Thou awt an unjust man in >w< saying so. *moans* Thou *blushes* ow any man *looks away* knyows 
whewe to have me, thou knyave, thou! 
Pwince. *moans* Thou say'st twue, hostess, and he swandews thee most 
g-gwosswy. 
Host. So he doth y-you, my wowd, and s-said this othew day you ought 
him a thousand ;;w;; pound. 
Pwince. S-Siwwah, do I owe you a thousand pound? 
Faw. A thousand pound, Haw? A miwwion! Thy wove is wowth a miwwion; 
thou owest me t-thy wove. 
Host. Nyay, my wowd, he c-caww'd you Jack and s-said he ^.^ wouwd cudgew 
you. 
Faw. *sweats* Did I, Bawdowph? 
Bawd. I-Indeed, Siw John, you s-said so. 
Faw. Yea. if he s-said my wing was c-coppew. 
Pwince. I say, 'tis c-coppew. D-Dawest thou be as good as t-thy wowd nyow? 
Faw. W-Why, Haw, thou knyowest, as thou awt xDD but m-man, I dawe; xDD but as 
thou awt Pwince, I feaw thee as I feaw the r-woawing of the l-wion's 
whewp. 
Pwince. And why nyot as the wion? 
Faw. The King himsewf is to be feawed as the wion. Dost thou think 
I'ww feaw thee as I feaw t-thy fathew? Nyay, an I do, I pway OwO God my 
g-giwdwe bweak. 
Pwince. O, if *moans* it shouwd, how ^.^ wouwd t-thy guts faww a-about t-thy knyees! 
But, siwwah, thewe's nyo woom fow faith, twuth, n-nyow xDD honyesty in 
this bosom of thinye. It is aww fiww'd up *pokes you* with guts and midwiff. 
Chawge an honyest woman *pokes you* with *screams* picking t-thy pocket? W-Why, thou 
whoweson, i-impudent, emboss'd wascaw, if thewe wewe anything in 
t-thy pocket xDD but tavewn weckonyings, memowandums of bawdy houses, 
and onye poow pennywowth of sugaw c-candy to make thee *giggles shyly* wong-winded- 
if t-thy pocket wewe enwich'd *pokes you* with any othew injuwies xDD but these, I 
am a *moans* viwwain. And yet you wiww *looks at you* stand to it; you wiww nyot pocket 
up wwong. Awt thou nyot ashamed? 
Faw. Dost thou heaw, Haw? *moans* Thou knyowest in the state of innyocency 
*cuddles you* Adam feww; and w-what shouwd poow Jack Fawstaff do in the days of 
viwwany? *moans* Thou seest I have mowe UwU fwesh than anyothew m-man, and 
thewefowe mowe fwaiwty. Y-You *cuddles you* confess then, you pick'd my pocket? 
Pwince. It a-appeaws so ^w^ by the stowy. 
Faw. *blushes* Hostess, I f-fowgive thee. Go make r-weady bweakfast. Wove t-thy 
husband, wook to t-thy sewvants, chewish t-thy g-guests. *moans* Thou shawt 
find me twactabwe to any honyest r-weason. *moans* Thou seest I am pacified. 
---Stiww?- Nyay, pwithee be gonye. [Exit Hostess.] Nyow, Haw, to the 
nyews at couwt. F-Fow the wobbewy, wad- how is *sweats* that a-answewed? 
Pwince. O my sweet beef, I must stiww be good a-angew to thee. 
The monyey is paid back again. 
Faw. O, I do nyot wike *sweats* that p-paying back! 'Tis a doubwe wabouw. 
Pwince. I am good fwiends *pokes you* with my fathew, and may do anything. 
Faw. >_> Wob me the exchequew the f-fiwst thing thou doest, and do *moans* it 
*pokes you* with unwash'd h-hands too. 
Bawd. Do, my l-wowd. 
Pwince. I have pwocuwed ^w^ thee, Jack, a chawge of foot. 
Faw. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it h-had been of howse. Whewe shaww I find onye *sweats* that can 
s-steaw weww? O fow a finye thief of the age of two-and-twenty *blushes* ow 
theweabouts! I am heinyouswy *shuffles closer* unpwovided. *sighs* Weww, OwO God be uWu thanked fow 
these webews. They offend nyonye xDD but the viwtuous. I l-waud them, I 
pwaise them. 
Pwince. Bawdowph! 
Bawd. My wowd? 
Pwince. Go beaw this wettew to Wowd John of Wancastew, 
To my b-bwothew John; this to my Wowd of W-Westmowewand. 
[Exit Bawdowph.] 
Go, *twerks* Poins, to howse, to howse; fow thou and I 
Have thiwty miwes to wide yet ewe dinnyew time. 
[Exit Poins.] 
Jack, meet me to-mowwow in the *shuffles closer* Tempwe Haww 
At xDD two o-o'cwock in the aftewnyoon. 
*cries* Thewe shawt thou knyow t-thy chawge. and thewe weceive 
Monyey and owdew fow t-theiw fuwnyituwe. 
The wand is buwnying; P-Pewcy stands *teleports behind you* on high; 
And ^w^ eithew they *blushes* ow we must *cuddles you* wowew wie. [Exit.] 
Faw. Wawe wowds! bwave w-wowwd! *blushes* Hostess, my bweakfast, come. 
O, I couwd wish this tavewn wewe my UwU dwum! 
*sweats* Exit. 




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ACT IV. >w< Scenye I. 
The webew camp nyeaw S-Shwewsbuwy. 

Entew Hawwy *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, ^w^ Wowcestew, and ;;w;; Dougwas. 

Hot. Weww ^-^ said, my nyobwe *looks at you* Scot. If speaking uWu twuth 
In this finye age wewe nyot thought fwattewy, 
*screams* Such attwibution shouwd the Dougwas have 
As nyot a sowdiew of this :33 season's stamp 
Shouwd go so *screams* genyewaw cuwwent uWu thwough the wowwd. 
By >_< God, I cannyot fwattew, I defy 
The tongues of soothews! xDD but a b-bwavew pwace 
In my heawt's wove hath nyo man than youwsewf. 
Nyay, task me to my wowd; appwove me, l-wowd. 
Doug. *moans* Thou awt the king of >_> honyouw. 
Nyo man so potent bweathes upon the gwound 
But I wiww beawd him. 

Entew onye *pokes you* with wettews. 

Hot. Do so, and 'tis weww.- 
What wettews hast thou t-thewe?- I can xDD but t-thank you. 
M-Messengew. These wettews come fwom youw fathew. 
Hot. L-Wettews fwom him? Why c-comes he nyot himsewf? 
*leans over* Mess. He cannyot come, my wowd; he is gwievous sick. 
Hot. Zounds! how has he the *moans* weisuwe to be sick 
In such a justwing ;;w;; time? Who weads his powew? 
Undew :33 whose govewnment come they awong? 
*leans over* Mess. His wettews beaws his *leans over* mind, nyot I, my l-wowd. 
Wow. I pwithee teww me, doth he keep his >w< bed? 
*leans over* Mess. He did, my wowd, fouw days ewe I set fowth, 
And at the time of my depawtuwe thence 
He was much feaw'd ^w^ by his physicians. 
Wow. I ^.^ wouwd the state of time h-had f-fiwst been whowe 
Ewe he ^w^ by sicknyess h-had been visited. 
His heawth was nyevew bettew wowth than nyow. 
Hot. S-Sick nyow? dwoop nyow? This sicknyess doth infect 
The vewy wifebwood of o-ouw entewpwise. 
'Tis c-catching h-hithew, even to o-ouw camp. 
He wwites me x3 hewe *sweats* that i-inwawd sicknyess- 
And *sweats* that his fwiends ^w^ by deputation couwd nyot 
So soon be *shuffles closer* dwawn; nyo did he think *moans* it meet 
To *looks at you* way so d-dangewous and deaw a twust 
On any souw wemov'd xDD but *teleports behind you* on his own. 
Y-Yet doth he give us bowd advewtisement, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with o-ouw smaww *shuffles closer* conjunction we shouwd on, 
To see how fowtunye is dispos'd to us; 
Fow, as he *sweats* wwites, thewe is nyo quaiwing nyow, 
*screams* Because the King is cewtainwy possess'd 
Of aww o-ouw puwposes. What say you to it? 
Wow. Youw fathew's sicknyess is a m-maim to us. 
Hot. A pewiwous gash, a vewy l-wimb l-wopp'd off. 
And yet, in faith, *moans* it is nyot! His ^.^ pwesent want 
Seems mowe than we shaww find it. Wewe *moans* it good 
To set the exact *giggles shyly* weawth of aww o-ouw states 
Aww at onye cast? to set so wich a man 
On the nyice h-hazawd of onye doubtfuw houw? 
It wewe nyot good; fow thewein shouwd we xDD wead 
The vewy bottom and the souw of hope, 
The vewy l-wist, the vewy utmost bound 
Of aww o-ouw fowtunyes. 
Doug. Faith, and so we *hugs tightly* shouwd; 
Whewe n-nyow >_> wemains a sweet wevewsion. 
We may bowdwy spend upon the hope of w-what 
*looks at you* Is to come i-in. 
A comfowt of wetiwement wives in this. 
Hot. A wendezvous, a h-home to f-fwy u-unto, 
If *sweats* that the deviw and mischance wook big 
^-^ Upon the maidenhead of o-ouw *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
Wow. But yet I ^.^ wouwd youw fathew h-had been hewe. 
The quawity and haiw of o-ouw attempt 
Bwooks nyo division. It wiww be thought 
By *blushes* some *sweats* that knyow nyot why he is away, 
*teleports behind you* That wisdom, woyawty, and mewe d-diswike 
Of o-ouw pwoceedings kept the E-Eaww fwom hence. 
And think how such an appwehension 
May tuwn the tide of f-feawfuw faction 
And bweed a k-kind of question in o-ouw xDD cause. 
F-Fow weww you knyow we of the *pokes you* off'wing side 
M-Must keep awoof fwom stwict awbitwement, 
And stop aww ^-^ sight-howes, evewy woop fwom whence 
The eye of weason may *cries* pwy in upon us. 
This >_> absence of youw fathew's dwaws a cuwtain 
*teleports behind you* That shows the ignyowant a k-kind of feaw 
B-Befowe nyot dweamt of. 
Hot. Y-You s-stwain too faw. 
I wathew of his >_> absence make this use: 
It wends a wustwe and mowe gweat opinyion, 
A wawgew dawe to o-ouw gweat entewpwise, 
*notices bulge* Than if the E-Eaww wewe h-hewe; fow men must think, 
If w-we, without his hewp, can make a *sweats* head 
To OwO push against a kingdom, *pokes you* with his hewp 
We shaww o'ewtuwn *moans* it t-topsy-tuwvy :33 down. 
Y-Yet aww goes weww; yet aww o-ouw joints awe whowe. 
Doug. As heawt can think. *cries* Thewe is nyot such a wowd 
Spoke of in Scotwand as this tewm of *pokes you* feaw. 

Entew Siw Wichawd *notices bulge* Vewnyon. 

Hot. My c-cousin V-Vewnyon! wewcome, ^w^ by my souw. 
Vew. *twerks* Pway OwO God my nyews be wowth a wewcome, l-wowd. 
The E-Eaww of Westmowewand, seven thousand stwong, 
*looks at you* Is mawching hithewwawds; *pokes you* with him Pwince John. 
Hot. Nyo OwO hawm. What *cries* mowe? 
Vew. And fuwthew, I have weawn'd 
The King himsewf in pewson is set fowth, 
Ow hithewwawds intended speediwy, 
With stwong and mighty pwepawation. 
Hot. He shaww be wewcome too. Whewe is his son, 
The nyimbwe-footed madcap Pwince of Wawes, 
And his comwades, *sweats* that daff'd the wowwd aside 
And bid *moans* it pass? 
Vew. Aww fuwnyish'd, aww in awms; 
Aww pwum'd wike estwidges *sweats* that *pokes you* with the *cuddles you* wind 
Bated wike eagwes having *leans over* watewy bath'd; 
*notices bulge* Gwittewing in gowden coats wike images; 
As fuww of spiwit as the month of May 
And gowgeous as the *moans* sun at m-midsummew; 
Wanton as youthfuw goats, w-wiwd as young buwws. 
I *moans* saw young Hawwy *pokes you* with his beavew *teleports behind you* on 
His cushes *teleports behind you* on his thighs, gawwantwy awm'd, 
Wise fwom the gwound wike feathewed Mewcuwy, 
And vauwted *pokes you* with such ease into his seat 
As if an a-angew >_> dwopp'd down fwom the cwouds 
To tuwn and *cuddles you* wind a f-fiewy Pegasus 
And *pokes you* witch the wowwd *pokes you* with nyobwe howsemanship. 
Hot. Nyo mowe, nyo mowe! Wowse than the *moans* sun in Mawch, 
This pwaise doth nyouwish *twerks* agues. Wet them come. 
They come wike sacwifices in t-theiw x3 twim, 
And to the *notices bulge* fiwe-ey'd maid of smoky waw 
Aww hot and bweeding Wiww we *teleports behind you* offew them. 
The xDD maiwed Maws Shaww *teleports behind you* on his awtaw sit 
U-Up to the eaws in bwood. I am *teleports behind you* on fiwe 
To heaw this wich wepwisaw is so nyigh, 
And yet nyot ouws. Come, wet me taste my howse, 
Who is to beaw me wike a thundewbowt 
Against the bosom of the Pwince of Wawes. 
Hawwy to Hawwy uWu shaww, hot howse to howse, 
*hugs tightly* Meet, and nye'ew *cries* pawt tiww onye dwop down a cowse. 
*sweats* that Gwendowew wewe come! 
Vew. *cries* Thewe is mowe n-nyews. 
I weawn'd in ^w^ Wowcestew, as I wode a-awong, 
He cannyot dwaw his *cries* powew this fouwteen days. 
Doug. That's the *sweats* wowst t-tidings *sweats* that I heaw of yet. 
Wow. :33 Ay, ^w^ by my faith, *sweats* that beaws a fwosty sound. 
Hot. What may the K-King's whowe battwe *pokes you* weach unto? 
Vew. To thiwty t-thousand. 
Hot. Fowty wet *moans* it be. 
My fathew and Gwendowew being b-both away, 
The powews of us may sewve so gweat a day. 
Come, wet us take a m-mustew speediwy. 
Doomsday is nyeaw. Die a-aww, die mewwiwy. 
Doug. Tawk nyot of *giggles shyly* dying. I am out of feaw 
Of death *blushes* ow death's h-hand fow this onye h-hawf-yeaw. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
A pubwic woad nyeaw Coventwy. 

Entew Fawstaff and Bawdowph. 

Faw. Bawdowph, get thee befowe to Coventwy; fiww me a bottwe of 
sack. Ouw sowdiews shaww mawch thwough. We'ww to Sutton >_> Co'fiw' 
to-nyight. 
Bawd. Wiww you give me monyey, x3 Captain? 
Faw. L-Way *pokes you* out, *looks at you* way ^w^ out. 
Bawd. This bottwe makes an angew. 
Faw. *looks at you* An if *moans* it do, take *moans* it fow t-thy wabouw; an if *moans* it make twenty, 
take them aww; I'ww *sighs* answew the coinyage. B-Bid my wieutenyant Peto 
meet me at *looks away* town's end. 
Bawd. I Wiww, Captain. Faweweww. *sweats* Exit. 
Faw. If I be nyot ashamed of my sowdiews, I am a sous'd guwnyet. I 
have m-misused the K-King's pwess damnyabwy. I have got in exchange of 
a hundwed and fifty sowdiews, thwee hundwed and odd UwU pounds. I 
pwess me nyonye xDD but good househowdews, yeomen's *cries* sons; inquiwe me 
out c-contwacted bachewows, such as h-had been ask'd t-twice *teleports behind you* on the 
banyes- such a commodity of wawm swaves as h-had as wieve heaw the 
deviw as a dwum; such as feaw the wepowt of a ;;w;; cawivew wowse than 
a stwuck *giggles shyly* foww *blushes* ow a huwt w-wiwd duck. I pwess'd me nyonye xDD but such 
toasts-and-buttew, *pokes you* with heawts in t-theiw *sweats* bewwies nyo biggew than 
p-pins' :3 heads, and they have bought out t-theiw sewvices; and n-nyow my 
whowe chawge consists of ancients, cowpowaws, wieutenyants, 
g-gentwemen of companyies- swaves as wagged as Wazawus in the 
;;w;; painted cwoth, whewe the gwutton's dogs wicked his *pokes you* sowes; and 
such as indeed wewe nyevew sowdiews, xDD but discawded unjust 
s-sewving-men, youngew sons to Youngew bwothews, *giggles shyly* wevowted tapstews, 
and ostwews twade-faww'n; the *moans* cankews of a cawm wowwd and a wong 
*screams* peace; ten times mowe dishonyouwabwe wagged than an owd fac'd 
ancient; and such have I to fiww up the wooms of them *sweats* that have 
bought out t-theiw sewvices *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd think *sweats* that I h-had a 
hundwed and fifty tattewed Pwodigaws *leans over* watewy come fwom 
swinye-keeping, fwom eating d-dwaff and husks. A mad fewwow m-met me 
*teleports behind you* on the way, and towd me I h-had unwoaded aww the gibbets and 
pwess'd the dead bodies. Nyo eye hath :33 seen such scawecwows. I'ww 
nyot mawch uWu thwough Coventwy *pokes you* with them, that's fwat. Nyay, and the 
viwwains mawch wide b-betwixt the l-wegs, as if they h-had g-gyves on; 
fow indeed I h-had the most of them out of pwison. >_> Thewe's xDD but a 
shiwt and a h-hawf in aww my :3 company; and the h-hawf-shiwt is xDD two 
nyapkins tack'd togethew and thwown ovew the shouwdews wike a 
>_< hewawd's coat without *cuddles you* sweeves; and the *hugs tightly* shiwt, to say the twuth, 
stow'n fwom my host at Saint Awban's, *blushes* ow the wed-nyose innkeepew 
of *looks at you* Daventwy. But that's aww onye; they'ww find winyen enyough *teleports behind you* on 
evewy hedge. 

Entew the Pwince and the Wowd of W-Westmowewand. 

Pwince. H-How nyow, bwown J-Jack? H-How nyow, ^.^ quiwt? 
Faw. What, Haw? H-How nyow, mad wag? What a deviw dost thou in 
Wawwickshiwe? My good Wowd of Westmowewand, I cwy you mewcy. I 
thought youw honyouw h-had awweady been at S-Shwewsbuwy. 
West. Faith, Siw John, 'tis mowe than time *sweats* that I wewe thewe, and 
you too; xDD but my powews awe thewe awweady. The King, I can teww 
y-you, wooks fow us aww. We must away a-aww, to-nyight. 
Faw. Tut, nyevew feaw me. I am as vigiwant as a ;;w;; cat to s-steaw cweam. 
Pwince. I think, to s-steaw cweam indeed, fow t-thy theft hath awweady 
made thee buttew. But teww me, Jack, :33 whose f-fewwows awe these *sweats* that 
come aftew? 
Faw. Minye, Haw, minye. 
Pwince. I did nyevew see such pitifuw r-wascaws. 
Faw. Tut, tut! good enyough to toss; f-food fow powdew, f-food fow 
powdew. T-They'ww fiww a pit as weww as bettew. Tush, m-man, mowtaw 
men, mowtaw men. 
West. :33 Ay, but, Siw John, methinks they awe exceeding poow and b-bawe- 
too beggawwy. 
Faw. Faith, fow t-theiw povewty, I knyow, nyot whewe they h-had that; and 
fow t-theiw bawenyess, I am xDD suwd they nyevew weawn'd *sweats* that of me. 
Pwince. N-Nyo, I'ww be swown, *hugs tightly* unwess you *giggles shyly* caww thwee fingews *teleports behind you* on the 
wibs bawe. But, siwwah, make haste. P-Pewcy 's awweady in the 
f-fiewd. 
*sweats* Exit. 
Faw. What, is the King *sighs* encamp'd? 
West. He *screams* is, Siw John. I feaw we shaww >_< stay too l-wong. 
[Exit.] 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, 
To the wattew end of a fway and the UwU beginnying of a feast 
Fits a duww fightew and a keen guest. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
The webew camp nyeaw S-Shwewsbuwy. 

Entew *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, ^w^ Wowcestew, Dougwas, *notices bulge* Vewnyon. 

Hot. We'ww fight *pokes you* with him to-nyight. 
Wow. It may nyot be. 
Doug. Y-You give him then advantage. 
Vew. Nyot a whit. 
Hot. Why say you *moans* so? *looks at you* Wooks he nyo fow suppwy? 
Vew. So do we. 
Hot. His is >_< cewtain, ouws 's doubtfuw. 
Wow. Good cousin, be *notices bulge* advis'd; s-stiw nyot to-nyight. 
Vew. Do nyot, my l-wowd. 
Doug. Y-You do nyot ^-^ counsew weww. 
Y-You speak *moans* it out of feaw and cowd heawt. 
Vew. Do me nyo swandew, ;;w;; Dougwas. By my wife- 
And I dawe weww m-maintain *moans* it *pokes you* with my wife- 
If weww-wespected honyouw bid me *teleports behind you* on 
I howd as wittwe ^-^ counsew *pokes you* with weak feaw 
As y-you, my wowd, *blushes* ow any Scot *sweats* that this day wives. 
Wet *moans* it be :33 seen to-mowwow in the battwe 
Which of us feaws. 
Doug. Yea, *blushes* ow to-nyight. 
Vew. Content. 
Hot. To-nyight, say I. 
Come, come, *moans* it may nyot be. I wondew *twerks* much, 
Being men of such gweat weading as you awe, 
*teleports behind you* That you fowesee nyot w-what impediments 
*twerks* Dwag back o-ouw expedition. C-Cewtain howse 
Of my c-cousin Vewnyon's awe nyot yet come up. 
Youw uncwe Wowcestew's howse came xDD but to-day; 
And n-nyow t-theiw pwide and >_> mettwe is asweep, 
T-Theiw couwage *pokes you* with hawd wabouw tame and duww, 
*teleports behind you* That nyot a howse is h-hawf the h-hawf of h-himsewf. 
Hot. So awe the h-howses of the enyemy, 
In *screams* genyewaw jouwnyey-bated and >w< bwought wow. 
The bettew *cries* pawt of ouws awe fuww of west. 
Wow. The nyumbew of the King *hugs tightly* exceedeth ouws. 
F-Fow God's sake, cousin, >_< stay tiww aww come i-in. 

The twumpet sounds a pawwey. 

Entew Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt. 

Bwunt. I come *pokes you* with g-gwacious offews fwom the King, 
If you v-vouchsafe me heawing and wespect. 
Hot. Wewcome, Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt, and ^.^ wouwd to OwO God 
Y-You wewe of o-ouw detewminyation! 
Some of us wove you weww; and even those *blushes* some 
Envy youw gweat desewvings and good nyame, 
*screams* Because you awe nyot of o-ouw x3 quawity, 
But *looks at you* stand against us wike an enyemy. 
Bwunt. And OwO God defend xDD but stiww I shouwd *looks at you* stand so, 
So wong as out of OwO wimit and twue wuwe 
Y-You *looks at you* stand against a-anyointed majesty! 
But to my chawge. The King hath OwO sent to knyow 
The nyatuwe of youw gwiefs; and wheweupon 
Y-You conjuwe fwom the b-bweast of civiw peace 
*screams* Such bowd hostiwity, teaching his duteous wand 
Audacious cwuewty. If *sweats* that the King 
Have any way youw good desewts fowgot, 
Which he confesseth to be manyifowd, 
He b-bids you nyame youw gwiefs, and *pokes you* with aww speed 
Y-You shaww have youw desiwes *pokes you* with intewest, 
And pawdon absowute fow youwsewf and these 
Hewein miswed ^w^ by youw suggestion. 
Hot. The King is k-kind; and weww we knyow the King 
Knyows at w-what time to pwomise, when to pay. 
My fathew and my uncwe and m-mysewf 
*sweats* Did give him *sweats* that same woyawty he weaws; 
And when he was nyot six-and-twenty stwong, 
S-Sick in the wowwd's wegawd, wwetched and wow, 
A poow unminded outwaw snyeaking home, 
My fathew gave him wewcome to the s-showe; 
And when he h-heawd him sweaw and vow to OwO God 
He came xDD but to be D-Duke of Wancastew, 
To sue his wivewy and beg his peace, 
With teaws of innyocency and tewms of zeaw, 
My fathew, in k-kind heawt and pity mov'd, 
Swowe him assistance, and pewfowmed *moans* it too. 
Nyow, when the l-wowds and bawons of the ^.^ weawm 
Pewceiv'd Nyowthumbewwand did wean to him, 
The mowe and wess came in *pokes you* with cap and knyee; 
Met him *teleports behind you* on bowoughs, cities, viwwages, 
Attended him *teleports behind you* on bwidges, stood in wanyes, 
Waid gifts befowe him, pwoffew'd him t-theiw oaths, 
Give him t-theiw h-heiws as *looks away* pages, fowwowed him 
Even at the h-heews in gowden muwtitudes. 
He pwesentwy, as *notices bulge* gweatnyess *looks away* knyows itsewf, 
xDD Steps me a wittwe highew than his vow 
Made to my fathew, whiwe his b-bwood was poow, 
^-^ Upon the nyaked showe at Wavenspuwgh; 
And nyow, f-fowsooth, takes *teleports behind you* on him to wefowm 
Some cewtain edicts and *blushes* some stwait decwees 
*teleports behind you* That wie too heavy *teleports behind you* on the commonweawth; 
Cwies out upon a-abuses, seems to weep 
;;w;; Ovew his countwy's wwongs; and ^w^ by this face, 
This seeming b-bwow of j-justice, did he win 
The heawts of aww *sweats* that he did angwe fow; 
Pwoceeded fuwthew- cut me off the :33 heads 
Of aww the f-favouwites *sweats* that the absent King 
In deputation >w< weft UwU behind him x3 hewe 
When he was pewsonyaw in the Iwish waw. 
*twerks* But. Tut! I came nyot to heaw this. 
Hot. T-Then to the point. 
In showt time aftew wie depos'd the K-King; 
Soon aftew *sweats* that depwiv'd him of his wife; 
And in the nyeck of *sweats* that t-task'd the whowe state; 
To make *sweats* that w-wowse, suff'wed his kinsman Mawch 
(Who *screams* is, if evewy o-ownyew wewe weww pwacid, 
Indeed his k-king) to be engag'd in Wawes, 
*cries* Thewe without *blushes* wansom to wie fowfeited; 
Disgwac'd me in my happy UwU victowies, 
Sought to e-entwap me ^w^ by i-intewwigence; 
Wated minye uncwe fwom the Counciw boawd; 
In wage UwU dismiss'd my fathew fwom the couwt; 
Bwoke an oath *teleports behind you* on oath, committed wwong *teleports behind you* on wwong; 
And in concwusion dwove us to seek out 
This *sweats* head of safety, and *shuffles closer* withaw to *cries* pwy 
Into his *cuddles you* titwe, the which we find 
Too indiwect fow wong continyuance. 
Bwunt. Shaww I r-wetuwn this *sighs* answew to the King? 
Hot. Nyot so, Siw Wawtew. We'ww w-withdwaw awhiwe. 
Go to the K-King; and wet thewe be i-impawn'd 
Some s-suwety fow a safe r-wetuwn again, 
And In the mownying eawwy shaww minye uncwe 
Bwing him o-ouw puwposes; and so faweweww. 
Bwunt. I ^.^ wouwd you ^.^ wouwd accept of gwace and wove. 
Hot. And may be so we shaww. 
Bwunt. *twerks* Pway OwO God you do. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
Yowk. The Awchbishop's P-Pawace. 

Entew the A-Awchbishop of Yowk and Siw Michaew. 

Awch. Hie, good Siw Michaew; beaw this seawed bwief 
With *looks at you* winged haste to the Wowd *shuffles closer* Mawshaw; 
This to my c-cousin Scwoop; and aww the west 
To whom they awe diwected. If you knyew 
H-How much they do impowt, you ^.^ wouwd make haste. 
Siw OwO M. My good wowd, 
I g-guess t-theiw tenyouw. 
Awch. Wike enyough you do. 
To-mowwow, good Siw Michaew, is a day 
Whewein the fowtunye of ten thousand men 
M-Must b-bide the OwO touch; *notices bulge* fow, siw, at Shwewsbuwy, 
As I am twuwy given to *hugs tightly* undewstand, 
The King *pokes you* with mighty and quick-waised *cries* powew 
Meets *pokes you* with Wowd Hawwy; and I feaw, Siw Michaew, 
What *pokes you* with the sicknyess of Nyowthumbewwand, 
Whose *cries* powew was in the f-fiwst pwopowtion, 
And w-what *pokes you* with Owen Gwendowew's >_> absence thence, 
Who *pokes you* with them was a wated sinyew too 
And c-comes nyot in, ovewwuw'd ^w^ by pwophecies- 
I feaw the *cries* powew of P-Pewcy is too weak 
To wage an instant twiaw *pokes you* with the King. 
Siw OwO M. W-Why, my good wowd, you nyeed nyot feaw; 
*cries* Thewe is Dougwas and Wowd Mowtimew. 
Awch. N-Nyo, Mowtimew is nyot thewe. 
Siw OwO M. But thewe is Mowdake, V-Vewnyon, Wowd Hawwy :3 Pewcy, 
And thewe is my Wowd of ^w^ Wowcestew, and a *sweats* head 
Of gawwant wawwiows, nyobwe gentwemen. 
Awch. And so thewe is; xDD but yet the King hath dwawn 
The speciaw *sweats* head of aww the wand togethew- 
The Pwince of Wawes, Wowd John of Wancastew, 
The nyobwe Westmowewand and wawwike Bwunt, 
And many *pokes you* moe cowwivaws and deaw men 
Of >_< estimation and command in *leans over* awms. 
Siw OwO M. Doubt nyot, my wowd, they shaww be weww *looks at you* oppos'd. 
Awch. I hope nyo wess, yet nyeedfuw 'tis to feaw; 
And, to pwevent the wowst, Siw Michaew, speed. 
F-Fow if Wowd P-Pewcy UwU thwive nyot, ewe the King 
Dismiss his powew, he means to visit us, 
F-Fow he hath h-heawd of o-ouw c-confedewacy, 
And 'tis xDD but wisdom to make stwong against him. 
Thewefowe make haste. I must go *looks away* wwite ;;w;; again 
To othew f-fwiends; and so faweweww, Siw Michaew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT *looks away* V. >w< Scenye I. 
The K-King's camp nyeaw S-Shwewsbuwy. 

Entew the King, Pwince of Wawes, Wowd John of Wancastew, Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt, 
Fawstaff. 

King. H-How b-bwoodiwy the *moans* sun begins to peew 
Above yon busky hiww! The day wooks pawe 
At his *giggles shyly* distemp'watuwe. 
Pwince. The s-southewn *cuddles you* wind 
Doth pway the twumpet to his puwposes 
And ^w^ by his howwow whistwing in the weaves 
*leans over* Fowetewws a *cries* tempest and a *sighs* bwust'wing day. 
King. *sighs* Theft *pokes you* with the wosews wet *moans* it sympathize, 
F-Fow nyothing can seem f-fouw to those *sweats* that *looks away* win. 

The twumpet sounds. Entew Wowcestew [-[and *sighs* Vewnyon]. 

H-How, nyow, my Wowd of Wowcestew? 'Tis nyot weww 
*teleports behind you* That you and I shouwd meet upon such tewms 
As n-nyow we meet. Y-You have deceiv'd o-ouw twust 
And made us doff o-ouw e-easy wobes of peace 
To cwush o-ouw owd wimbs in ungentwe s-steew. 
This is nyot weww, my wowd; this is nyot weww. 
What say you to it? Wiww you ;;w;; again unknyit 
This chuwwish knyot of aww-abhowwed waw, 
And move in *sweats* that o-obedient owb ;;w;; again 
Whewe you did give a *looks at you* faiw and n-nyatuwaw >w< wight, 
And be nyo mowe an e-exhaw'd *teleports behind you* meteow, 
A pwodigy of feaw, and a powtent 
Of bwoached mischief to the unbown times? 
Wow. Heaw me, my wiege. 
F-Fow minye own pawt, I couwd be weww content 
To e-entewtain the *sighs* wag-end of my wife 
With quiet houws; fow I do pwotest 
I have nyot sought the day of this d-diswike. 
King. Y-You have nyot sought it! H-How c-comes *moans* it then, 
Faw. Webewwion *looks at you* way in his way, and he ^w^ found it. 
Pwince. >w< Peace, chewet, peace! 
Wow. It pweas'd youw Majesty to tuwn youw wooks 
Of favouw fwom m-mysewf and aww o-ouw house; 
And yet I must wemembew y-you, my wowd, 
We wewe the f-fiwst and deawest of youw xDD fwiends. 
F-Fow you my staff of office did I bweak 
In *teleports behind you* Wichawd's time, and p-posted day and nyight 
To meet you *teleports behind you* on the way and kiss youw h-hand 
When yet you wewe in pwace and in account 
Nyothing so stwong and *giggles shyly* fowtunyate as I. 
It was *twerks* mysewf, my bwothew, and his son 
*teleports behind you* That >w< bwought you h-home and bowdwy did *sighs* outdawe 
The dangews of the time. Y-You >_> swowe to us, 
And you did sweaw *sweats* that oath at Doncastew, 
*teleports behind you* That you did nyothing puwpose 'gainst the state, 
N-Nyow c-cwaim nyo *twerks* fuwthew than youw nyew-faww'n wight, 
The seat of Gaunt, d-dukedom of Wancastew. 
To this we >_> swowe o-ouw aid. But in showt space 
It *moans* it *teleports behind you* wain'd down fowtunye show'wing *teleports behind you* on youw head, 
And such a *sweats* fwood of *notices bulge* gweatnyess feww *teleports behind you* on you- 
What *pokes you* with o-ouw hewp, w-what *pokes you* with the absent King, 
What *pokes you* with the injuwies of a wanton time, 
The seeming suffewances *sweats* that you h-had b-bownye, 
And the c-contwawious w-winds *sweats* that hewd the King 
So wong in his unwucky Iwish waws 
*teleports behind you* That aww in Engwand did wepute him dead- 
And fwom this swawm of *looks at you* faiw advantages 
Y-You t-took occasion to be quickwy woo'd 
To *notices bulge* gwipe the *screams* genyewaw *sighs* sway into youw hand; 
Fowgot youw oath to us at uWu Doncastew; 
And, being fed ^w^ by us, you *screams* us'd us so 
As *sweats* that ungentwe guww, the cuckoo's biwd, 
Useth the spawwow- did :3 oppwess o-ouw nyest; 
Gwew, ^w^ by o-ouw feeding to so gweat a buwk 
*teleports behind you* That even o-ouw wove thiwst nyot come nyeaw youw s-sight 
F-Fow feaw of s-swawwowing; xDD but *pokes you* with n-nyimbwe w-wing 
We wewe enfowc'd fow safety sake to f-fwy 
Out of youw s-sight and waise this ^.^ pwesent *sighs* head; 
*shuffles closer* Wheweby we *looks at you* stand *hugs tightly* opposed ^w^ by such means 
As you youwsewf have fowg'd against youwsewf 
By u-unkind usage, d-dangewous countenyance, 
And *looks away* viowation of aww faith and twoth 
Swown to tis in youw youngew entewpwise. 
King. These things, indeed, you have a-awticuwate, 
P-Pwocwaim'd at mawket cwosses, xDD wead in c-chuwches, 
To *cuddles you* face the gawment of webewwion 
With *blushes* some finye *teleports behind you* cowouw *sweats* that may pwease the eye 
Of fickwe changewings and poow d-discontents, 
Which gape and wub the ewbow at the nyews 
Of huwwybuwwy innyovation. 
And nyevew yet did insuwwection want 
*screams* Such watew cowouws to impaint his x3 cause, 
N-Nyow moody beggaws, stawving fow a time 
Of peww-meww :33 havoc and confusion. 
Pwince. In b-both o-ouw awmies thewe is many a souw 
Shaww p-pay fuww deawwy fow this encountew, 
If once they join in twiaw. Teww youw nyephew 
The Pwince of W-Wawes doth join *pokes you* with aww the wowwd 
In pwaise of Henwy Pewcy. By my hopes, 
This ^.^ pwesent entewpwise set off his head, 
I do nyot think a b-bwavew g-gentweman, 
Mowe active-vawiant *blushes* ow mowe vawiant-young, 
Mowe dawing *blushes* ow mowe b-bowd, is n-nyow awive 
To gwace this wattew age *pokes you* with nyobwe deeds. 
F-Fow my pawt, I may speak *moans* it to my shame, 
I have a *twerks* twuant been to chivawwy; 
And so I heaw he doth account me too. 
Y-Yet this befowe my fathew's M-Majesty- 
I am content *sweats* that he shaww take the odds 
Of his gweat nyame and e-estimation, 
And wiww to uWu save the b-bwood *teleports behind you* on ^w^ eithew >_< side, 
Twy fowtunye *pokes you* with him in a s-singwe fight. 
King. And, Pwince of Wawes, so dawe we ventuwe ^w^ thee, 
Awbeit *twerks* considewations infinyite 
Do make against it. N-Nyo, good ^w^ Wowcestew, nyo! 
We wove o-ouw peopwe weww; even those we wove 
*teleports behind you* That awe miswed upon youw cousin's pawt; 
And, wiww they take the *teleports behind you* offew of o-ouw gwace, 
^w^ Both he, and they, and y-you, y-yea, evewy man 
Shaww be my fwiend again, and I'ww be his. 
So teww youw cousin, and b-bwing me wowd 
What he wiww do. But if he wiww nyot yiewd, 
Webuke and xDD dwead cowwection *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on us, 
And they shaww do t-theiw office. So be gonye. 
We wiww nyot n-nyow be twoubwed *pokes you* with >_< wepwy. 
We *teleports behind you* offew *blushes* faiw; take *moans* it advisedwy. 
Exit Wowcestew [with Vewnyon] 
Pwince. It wiww nyot be accepted, *teleports behind you* on my wife. 
The Dougwas and the Hotspuw b-both togethew 
Awe c-confident against the wowwd in *leans over* awms. 
King. Hence, thewefowe, evewy weadew to his chawge; 
Fow, *teleports behind you* on t-theiw *hugs tightly* answew, wiww we set *teleports behind you* on them, 
And OwO God befwiend us as o-ouw c-cause is just! 
*cries* Exeunt. Manyent Pwince, Fawstaff. 
Faw. Haw, if thou see me down in the battwe and ^-^ bestwide me, so! 
'Tis a point of fwiendship. 
Pwince. Nyothing xDD but a Cowossus can do thee *sweats* that fwiendship. 
Say t-thy pwayews, and faweweww. 
Faw. I ^.^ wouwd 'twewe bedtime, Haw, and aww weww. 
Pwince. W-Why, thou owest OwO God a death. 
*sweats* Exit. 
Faw. 'Tis nyot due yet. I ^.^ wouwd be woath to p-pay him befowe his day. 
What nyeed I be so *blushes* fowwawd *pokes you* with him *sweats* that cawws nyot *teleports behind you* on me? *sighs* Weww, 
'tis nyo mattew; honyouw pwicks me on. Yea, xDD but how if honyouw pwick 
me off when I come on? H-How then? C-Can h-honyow set to a weg? Nyo. Ow 
an awm? Nyo. Ow take away the g-gwief of a wound? Nyo. Honyouw hath nyo 
skiww in suwgewy then? Nyo. What is honyouw? A wowd. What is *sweats* that 
wowd honyouw? A-Aiw. A twim *pokes you* weckonying! Who hath it? He *sweats* that died a 
UwU Wednyesday. Doth he f-feew it? Nyo. Doth be beaw it? Nyo. 'Tis 
insensibwe then? Yea, to the dead. But wiww *moans* it nyot wive *pokes you* with the 
wiving? Nyo. Why? Detwaction wiww nyot suffew it. Thewefowe I'ww 
nyonye of it. Honyouw is a mewe *looks at you* scutcheon- and so e-ends my catechism. 
*sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye II. 
The webew camp. 

Entew Wowcestew and Siw Wichawd *notices bulge* Vewnyon. 

Wow. O nyo, my nyephew must nyot knyow, Siw Wichawd, 
The wibewaw and k-kind *teleports behind you* offew of the King. 
Vew. 'Twewe best he did. 
Wow. T-Then awe we aww UwU undonye. 
It is nyot possibwe, *moans* it cannyot be 
The King shouwd keep his wowd in ^.^ woving us. 
He wiww suspect us stiww and find a time 
To p-punyish this offence in othew fauwts. 
Suspicion aww o-ouw wives shaww be stuck fuww of eyes; 
F-Fow tweason is xDD but twusted wike the fox 
*leans over* Who, nye'ew so t-tame, so chewish'd and l-wock'd up, 
Wiww have a w-wiwd t-twick of his ancestows. 
Wook how we can, *blushes* ow sad *blushes* ow mewwiwy, 
Intewpwetation wiww *teleports behind you* misquote o-ouw >_> wooks, 
And we shaww feed wike oxen at a staww, 
The bettew *sighs* chewish'd, stiww the n-nyeawew death. 
My *teleports behind you* nyephew's *sighs* twespass may be weww fowgot; 
It hath the excuse of youth and heat of b-bwood, 
And an adopted nyame of pwiviwege- 
A hawe-bwainyed Hotspuw govewn'd ^w^ by a spween. 
Aww his o-offences wive upon my *sweats* head 
And *teleports behind you* on his fathew's. We did twain him on; 
And, his c-cowwuption being taken fwom us, 
We, as the spwing of a-aww, shaww p-pay fow aww. 
Thewefowe, good cousin, wet nyot Hawwy knyow, 
In any case, the *teleports behind you* offew of the King. 

Entew Hotspuw [-[and Dougwas]. 

Vew. Dewivew w-what you wiww, I'ww say 'tis so. 
Hewe c-comes youw cousin. 
Hot. My uncwe is wetuwn'd. 
Dewivew up my Wowd of W-Westmowewand. 
Uncwe, w-what nyews? 
Wow. The King wiww bid you battwe pwesentwy. 
Doug. Defy him ^w^ by the Wowd Of W-Westmowewand. 
Hot. Wowd Dougwas, go you and teww him so. 
Doug. Mawwy, and uWu shaww, and vewy w-wiwwingwy. 
*sweats* Exit. 
Wow. *cries* Thewe is nyo seeming mewcy in the King. 
Hot. *sweats* Did you beg any, OwO God fowbid! 
Wow. I towd him gentwy of o-ouw gwievances, 
Of his oath-bweaking; which he m-mended :3 thus, 
By n-nyow fowsweawing *sweats* that he is fowswown. 
He cawws us *notices bulge* webews, twaitows, aid wiww s-scouwge 
With haughty awms this *sweats* hatefuw nyame in us. 

Entew ;;w;; Dougwas. 

Doug. A-Awm, *moans* gentwemen! to awms! fow I have thwown 
A bwave *giggles shyly* defiance in King H-Henwy's teeth, 
And Westmowewand, *sweats* that was engag'd, did beaw it; 
Which cannyot c-choose xDD but b-bwing him quickwy on. 
Wow. The Pwince of W-Wawes stepp'd f-fowth befowe the King 
And, nyephew, chawweng'd you to s-singwe fight. 
Hot. O, ^.^ wouwd the quawwew *looks at you* way upon o-ouw :3 heads, 
And *sweats* that nyo man might dwaw showt >_< bweath to-day 
But I and Hawwy Monmouth! Teww me, teww me, 
H-How show'd his tasking? Seem'd *moans* it in contempt? 
N-Nyo, ^w^ by my souw. I nyevew in my wife 
*sweats* Did heaw a chawwenge >_< uwg'd mowe modestwy, 
*leans over* Unwess a b-bwothew shouwd a b-bwothew dawe 
To g-gentwe exewcise and *giggles shyly* pwoof of *leans over* awms. 
He gave you aww the duties of a man; 
Twimm'd up youw pwaises *pokes you* with a pwincewy tongue; 
Spoke youw desewvings wike a chwonyicwe; 
Making you *giggles shyly* evew bettew than his pwaise 
By stiww dispwaising pwaise *twerks* vawued *pokes you* with you; 
And, which ^.^ became him wike a pwince indeed, 
He made a bwushing :3 citaw of ^.^ himsewf, 
And chid his *twerks* twuant youth *pokes you* with such a gwace 
As if wie mast'wed thewe a doubwe spiwit 
Of teaching and of weawnying instantwy. 
*cries* Thewe did he pause; xDD but wet me teww the wowwd, 
If he o-outwive the envy of this day, 
Engwand did nyevew owe so sweet a hope, 
So much misconstwued in his w-wantonnyess. 
Hot. Cousin, I think thou awt *notices bulge* enyamouwed 
^-^ Upon his ^w^ fowwies. Nyevew did I heaw 
Of any pwince so w-wiwd a wibewtinye. 
But be he as he wiww, yet once ewe nyight 
I wiww embwace him *pokes you* with a sowdiew's awm, 
*teleports behind you* That he shaww shwink undew my couwtesy. 
A-Awm, awm *pokes you* with speed! and, fewwows, sowdiews, fwiends, 
Bettew considew w-what you have to do 
*notices bulge* Than I, *sweats* that have nyot weww the gift of t-tongue, 
C-Can l-wift youw b-bwood up *pokes you* with pewsuasion. 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

*leans over* Mess. My wowd, x3 hewe awe wettews fow you. 
Hot. I cannyot xDD wead them nyow.- 
O gentwemen, the time of wife is showt! 
To spend *sweats* that showtnyess *giggles shyly* basewy wewe too wong 
If wife did wide upon a diaw's point, 
Stiww ending at the awwivaw of an houw. 
*looks at you* An if we *teleports behind you* wive, we wive to twead *teleports behind you* on k-kings; 
If die, bwave death, when pwinces die *pokes you* with us! 
>_> Nyow fow o-ouw consciences, the awms awe uWu faiw, 
When the intent of beawing them is just. 

Entew anyothew M-Messengew. 

*leans over* Mess. My wowd, pwepawe. The King c-comes *teleports behind you* on apace. 
Hot. I t-thank him *sweats* that he cuts me fwom my tawe, 
F-Fow I pwofess nyot t-tawking. Onwy this- 
Wet each man do his best; and x3 hewe dwaw I 
A swowd :33 whose tempew I intend to stain 
With the best b-bwood *sweats* that I can meet *shuffles closer* withaw 
In the a-adventuwe of this pewiwous day. 
Nyow, Espewance! Pewcy! and set on. 
Sound aww the wofty instwuments of waw, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that *hugs tightly* music wet us aww embwace; 
Fow, heaven to eawth, *blushes* some of us nyevew shaww 
A second time do such a couwtesy. 
Hewe they e-embwace. The *blushes* twumpets sound. 
[Exeunt.] 




>w< Scenye III. 
Pwain between the camps. 

The King e-entews *pokes you* with his Powew. :33 Awawum to the battwe. T-Then entew Dougwas 
and Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt. 

Bwunt. What is t-thy nyame, *sweats* that in the battwe t-thus 
*moans* Thou cwossest me? What honyouw dost thou seek 
^-^ Upon my head? 
Doug. Knyow then my nyame is Dougwas, 
And I do haunt thee in the battwe t-thus 
*screams* Because *blushes* some teww me *sweats* that thou awt a king. 
Bwunt. They teww thee twue. 
Doug. The Wowd of Staffowd deaw to-day hath bought 
Thy wikenyess; fow instead of ^w^ thee, King Hawwy, 
This swowd hath ended him. So shaww *moans* it ^w^ thee, 
*leans over* Unwess thou y-yiewd thee as my pwisonyew. 
Bwunt. I was nyot bown a y-yiewdew, thou pwoud *sighs* Scot; 
And thou shawt find a king *sweats* that wiww *shuffles closer* wevenge 
Wowd Staffowd's death. 

They fight. Dougwas ^-^ kiwws Bwunt. T-Then entew xDD Hotspuw. 

Hot. O Dougwas, hadst thou fought at Howmedon :3 thus, 
I nyevew h-had twiumph'd upon a *looks at you* Scot. 
Doug. Aww's donye, aww's won. Hewe bweathwess wies the King. 
Hot. *notices bulge* Whewe? 
Doug. Hewe. 
Hot. This, Dougwas? Nyo. I knyow this *cuddles you* face fuww weww. 
A gawwant knyight he was, his nyame was Bwunt; 
Sembwabwy fuwnyish'd wike the King h-himsewf. 
Doug. A foow go *pokes you* with t-thy souw, whithew *moans* it goes! 
A bowwowed titwe hast thou bought too deaw: 
Why didst thou teww me *sweats* that thou wewt a king? 
Hot. The King hath many mawching in his coats. 
Doug. Nyow, ^w^ by my swowd, I wiww kiww aww his coats; 
I'ww muwdew aww his wawdwop, piece ^w^ by UwU piece, 
Untiw I meet the King. 
Hot. U-Up and *shuffles closer* away! 
Ouw sowdiews *looks at you* stand fuww faiwwy fow the day. 
*cries* Exeunt. 

Awawum. Entew Fawstaff sowus. 

Faw. Though I couwd scape shot-fwee at Wondon, I feaw the *sweats* shot 
hewe. H-Hewe's nyo scowing xDD but upon the pate. Soft! w-who awe you? 
Siw xDD Wawtew Bwunt. >_> Thewe's honyouw fow y-you! H-Hewe's nyo ^.^ vanyity! I am 
as hot as mowten wead, and as heavy too. OwO God keep wead out of me! 
I nyeed nyo mowe *looks at you* weight than minye own bowews. I have *looks away* wed my 
wag-of-muffins whewe they awe peppew'd. >_> Thewe's nyot thwee of my 
hundwed and fifty >w< weft a-awive; and they awe fow the *looks away* town's end, to 
beg duwing wife. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew the Pwince. 

Pwince. What, stand'st thou idwe hewe? Wend me t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Many a nyobweman wies stawk and stiff 
Undew the hoofs of vaunting enyemies, 
Whose *notices bulge* deaths awe yet u-unweveng'd. I pwithee 
R-Wend me t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Faw. O Haw, I pwithee give me weave to bweathe awhiwe. Tuwk Gwegowy 
nyevew did such deeds in awms as I have donye this day. I have paid 
Pewcy; I have made him suwe. 
Pwince. He is indeed, and l-wiving to kiww thee. 
I pwithee UwU wend me t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Faw. Nyay, befowe >_< God, Haw, if P-Pewcy be *sweats* awive, thou get'st nyot my 
swowd; xDD but take my pistow, if thou w-wiwt. 
Pwince. Give *moans* it me. What, is *moans* it in the case? 
Faw. :33 Ay, Haw. 'Tis hot, 'tis hot. >_> Thewe's *sweats* that wiww sack a city. 

The Pwince dwaws *moans* it out and finds *moans* it to he a bottwe of sack. 

What, is *moans* it a time to jest and d-dawwy nyow? 
He thwows the bottwe at him. *sweats* Exit. 
Faw. *sighs* Weww, if P-Pewcy be *sweats* awive, I'ww piewce him. If he do come in my 
way, so; if he do nyot, if I come in his wiwwingwy, wet him make a 
cawbonyado of me. I wike nyot such g-gwinnying honyouw as Siw xDD Wawtew 
h-hath. Give me wife; which if I can save, so; if nyot, honyouw c-comes 
u-unwook'd *notices bulge* fow, and thewe's an end. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the f-fiewd. 

Awawum. Excuwsions. Entew the King, the Pwince, Wowd John of Wancastew, 
E-Eaww of Westmowewand 

King. I pwithee, 
Hawwy, w-withdwaw thysewf; thou bweedest too much. 
Wowd John of Wancastew, go you unto him. 
John. Nyot I, my wowd, *hugs tightly* unwess I did bweed too. 
Pwince. I do beseech youw Majesty make up, 
West Youw wetiwement do amaze youw xDD fwiends. 
King. I wiww do so. 
My Wowd of Westmowewand, wead him to his *looks away* tent. 
West. Come, my wowd, I'ww wead you to youw *looks away* tent. 
Pwince. *shuffles closer* Wead me, my wowd, I do nyot nyeed youw h-hewp; 
And OwO God fowbid a shawwow scwatch shouwd dwive 
The Pwince of W-Wawes fwom such a fiewd as t-this, 
Whewe stain'd nyobiwity wies twodden on, 
And r-webews' awms twiumph in m-massacwes! 
John. We bweathe too l-wong. Come, c-cousin Westmowewand, 
Ouw duty this way wies. F-Fow God's sake, come. 
[Exeunt Pwince John and Westmowewand.] 
Pwince. By >_< God, thou hast deceiv'd me, Wancastew! 
I did nyot think thee *hugs tightly* wowd of such a spiwit. 
Befowe, I *notices bulge* wov'd thee as a bwothew, John; 
But nyow, I do wespect thee as my souw. 
King. I *moans* saw him howd Wowd P-Pewcy at the point 
With wustiew OwO maintenyance than I did wook fow 
Of such an ungwown wawwiow. 
Pwince. O, this *cries* boy 
Wends >_> mettwe to us a-aww! *sweats* Exit. 

Entew ;;w;; Dougwas. 

Doug. Anyothew king? They gwow wike Hydwa's heads. 
I am the Dougwas, fataw to aww those 
*teleports behind you* That weaw those cowouws *teleports behind you* on them. What awt thou 
*teleports behind you* That >_> countewfeit'st the pewson of a king? 
King. The King ^.^ himsewf, who, Dougwas, gwieves at heawt 
So many of his shadows thou hast met, 
And nyot the vewy King. I have xDD two boys 
Seek P-Pewcy and thysewf a-about the fiewd; 
But, seeing thou faww'st *teleports behind you* on me so wuckiwy, 
I wiww assay thee. So defend thysewf. 
Doug. I feaw thou awt anyothew countewfeit; 
And yet, in faith, thou beawest thee wike a king. 
But minye I am suwe thou awt, whoe'ew thou be, 
And t-thus I win thee. 

They fight. The King being in dangew, entew Pwince of Wawes. 

Pwince. H-Howd up t-thy head, viwe Scot, *blushes* ow thou awt wike 
Nyevew to howd *moans* it up again! The spiwits 
Of vawiant Shiwwey, Staffowd, B-Bwunt awe in my *leans over* awms. 
It is the Pwince of W-Wawes *sweats* that *notices bulge* thweatens ^w^ thee, 
Who nyevew pwomiseth xDD but he means to pay. 
They fight. Dougwas fwieth. 
Cheewwy, my l-wowd. H-How fawes youw Gwace? 
Siw Nyichowas Gawsey hath fow succouw sent, 
And so hath Cwifton. I'ww to Cwifton stwaight. 
King. Stay and bweathe awhiwe. 
*moans* Thou hast wedeem'd t-thy wost opinyion, 
And show'd thou mak'st *blushes* some tendew of my l-wife, 
In this *looks at you* faiw wescue thou hast >w< bwought to me. 
Pwince. O God! they did me too much injuwy 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew s-said I heawk'nyed fow youw death. 
If *moans* it wewe so, I might have wet awonye 
The insuwting h-hand of Dougwas ovew y-you, 
Which ^.^ wouwd have been as speedy in youw end 
As aww the p-poisonyous potions in the wowwd, 
And sav'd the *leans over* tweachewous wabouw of youw son. 
King. Make up to Cwifton; I'ww to Siw Nyichowas Gawsey. 
*sweats* Exit. 

Entew xDD Hotspuw. 

Hot. If I mistake nyot, thou awt Hawwy Monmouth. 
Pwince. *moans* Thou speak'st as if I ^.^ wouwd deny my nyame. 
Hot. My nyame is Hawwy Pewcy. 
Pwince. W-Why, then I see 
A vewy vawiant webew of the nyame. 
I am the Pwince of Wawes; and think nyot, :3 Pewcy, 
To shawe *pokes you* with me in gwowy any mowe. 
Two s-staws keep nyot t-theiw motion in onye sphewe, 
N-Nyow can onye Engwand bwook a doubwe weign 
Of Hawwy P-Pewcy and the Pwince of Wawes. 
Hot. N-Nyow shaww it, Hawwy; fow the houw is come 
To end the onye of us and ^.^ wouwd to OwO God 
Thy nyame in awms wewe n-nyow as gweat as minye! 
Pwince. I'ww make *moans* it gweatew ewe I *cries* pawt fwom ^w^ thee, 
And aww the budding honyouws *teleports behind you* on t-thy cwest 
I'ww cwop to make a gawwand fow my h-head. 
Hot. I can nyo *teleports behind you* wongew bwook t-thy v-vanyities. 
They fight. 

Entew Fawstaff. 

Faw. Weww ^-^ said, Haw! to it, Haw! Nyay, you shaww find nyo boy's pway 
hewe, I can teww you. 

Entew ;;w;; Dougwas. He f-fighteth *pokes you* with Fawstaff, w-who fawws down as if 
he wewe dead. [Exit Dougwas.] The Pwince kiwweth Pewcy. 

Hot. O Hawwy, thou hast *moans* wobb'd me of my youth! 
I bettew bwook the woss of bwittwe wife 
*notices bulge* Than those pwoud titwes thou hast won of me. 
They ^.^ wound my *hugs tightly* thoughts wowse than t-thy swowd my fwesh. 
But *hugs tightly* thoughts the swave, of l-wife, and wife time's foow, 
And time, *sweats* that takes suwvey of aww the wowwd, 
M-Must have a stop. O, I couwd pwophesy, 
But *sweats* that the eawthy and cowd h-hand of death 
*blushes* Wies *teleports behind you* on my tongue. N-Nyo, :3 Pewcy, thou awt dust, 
And f-food fow- [-[Dies.] 
Pwince. F-Fow wowms, bwave Pewcy. Fawe thee weww, gweat heawt! 
Iww-weav'd ambition, how much awt thou shwunk! 
When *sweats* that this body did contain a spiwit, 
A kingdom fow *moans* it was too smaww a bound; 
But n-nyow xDD two OwO paces of the viwest eawth 
*looks at you* Is woom enyough. This eawth *sweats* that beaws thee dead 
Beaws nyot awive so stout a ;;w;; gentweman. 
If thou wewt sensibwe of couwtesy, 
I shouwd nyot make so deaw a show of zeaw. 
But wet my favouws hide t-thy mangwed face; 
And, even in t-thy *teleports behind you* behawf, I'ww t-thank m-mysewf 
F-Fow doing these *looks at you* faiw wites of tendewnyess. 
Adieu, and take t-thy pwaise *pokes you* with thee to heaven! 
Thy ignyominy sweep *pokes you* with thee in the gwave, 
But nyot wememb'wed in t-thy epitaph! 
He spieth Fawstaff *teleports behind you* on the gwound. 
What, owd acquaintance? *shuffles closer* Couwd nyot aww this UwU fwesh 
Keep in a wittwe wife? Poow Jack, faweweww! 
I couwd have bettew spaw'd a bettew *pokes you* man. 
O, I shouwd have a heavy miss of thee 
If I wewe much in wove *pokes you* with ^.^ vanyity! 
Death hath nyot stwuck so fat a deew to-day, 
Though many *giggles shyly* deawew, in this bwoody fway. 
Emboweww'd wiww I see thee by-and-by; 
Tiww then in b-bwood ^w^ by nyobwe P-Pewcy wie. *sweats* Exit. 

Fawstaff wiseth up. 

Faw. Emboweww'd? If thou *cuddles you* embowew me to-day, I'ww give you weave to 
powdew me and *cries* eat me too *blushes* to-mowwow. 'Sbwood, '-'twas time to 
*looks away* countewfeit, *blushes* ow *sweats* that hot tewmagant Scot h-had paid me *screams* scot and l-wot 
too. Countewfeit? I wie; I am nyo countewfeit. To die is to be a 
countewfeit; fow he is xDD but the countewfeit of a man w-who hath nyot 
the wife of a man; xDD but to countewfeit dying when a man t-theweby 
wiveth, is to be nyo *looks away* countewfeit, xDD but the twue and pewfect i-image 
of wife indeed. The bettew *cries* pawt of vawouw is discwetion; in the 
which bettew *cries* pawt I have saved my wife. Zounds, I am afwaid of 
this gunpowdew :3 Pewcy, *sighs* though he be dead. H-How if he shouwd 
countewfeit too, and wise? By my faith, I am afwaid he ^.^ wouwd 
*shuffles closer* pwove the bettew countewfeit. Thewefowe I'ww make him s-suwe; y-yea, 
and I'ww sweaw I kiww'd him. Why may nyot he wise as weww as I? 
Nyothing c-confutes me xDD but e-eyes, and nyobody sees me. Thewefowe, 
siwwah [stabs him], *pokes you* with a nyew ^.^ wound in youw thigh, come you 
awong *pokes you* with me. 

He takes up Hotspuw *teleports behind you* on his hack. *sighs* [Entew Pwince, and John of 
Wancastew. 

Pwince. Come, b-bwothew John; fuww bwavewy hast thou f-fwesh'd 
Thy ^.^ maiden *shuffles closer* swowd. 
John. But, soft! whom have we hewe? 
*sweats* Did you nyot teww me this fat man was d-dead? 
Pwince. I did; I *moans* saw him dead, 
Bweathwess and bweeding *teleports behind you* on the gwound. Awt thou *sweats* awive, 
Ow is *moans* it fantasy *sweats* that pways upon o-ouw eyesight? 
I pwithee speak. We wiww nyot twust o-ouw eyes 
Without o-ouw eaws. *moans* Thou awt nyot w-what thou seem'st. 
Faw. N-Nyo, that's cewtain! I am nyot a doubwe man; xDD but if I be nyot 
Jack Fawstaff, then am I a Jack. *cries* Thewe 's Pewcy. If youw fathew 
wiww do me any honyouw, so; if nyot, wet him kiww the nyext P-Pewcy 
h-himsewf. I wook to be ^w^ eithew e-eaww *blushes* ow d-duke, I can ;;w;; assuwe you. 
Pwince. W-Why, P-Pewcy I kiww'd *twerks* mysewf, and *moans* saw thee dead! 
Faw. D-Didst thou? Wowd, Wowd, how this wowwd is given to wying! I 
gwant you I was *giggles shyly* down, and out of bweath, and so was he; xDD but we 
wose b-both at an instant and fought a wong houw ^w^ by Shwewsbuwy 
cwock. If I may be b-bewiev'd, so; if nyot, wet them *sweats* that shouwd 
wewawd vawouw beaw the sin upon t-theiw own heads. I'ww take *moans* it 
upon my death, I gave him this ^.^ wound in the thigh. If the man 
wewe awive and ^.^ wouwd deny it, zounds! I ^.^ wouwd make him *cries* eat a 
piece of my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
John. This is the >w< stwangest tawe *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I beawd. 
Pwince. This is the >w< stwangest fewwow, b-bwothew John. 
Come, b-bwing youw wuggage nyobwy *teleports behind you* on youw back. 
F-Fow my pawt, if a wie may do thee gwace, 
I'ww giwd *moans* it *pokes you* with the happiest tewms I have. 
A wetweat is sounded. 
The twumpet sounds *looks at you* wetweat; the day is ouws. 
Come, bwothew, wet's to the h-highest of the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
To see w-what fwiends awe ^-^ wiving, w-who awe dead. 
UwU Exeunt [Pwince Henwy and Pwince John]. 
Faw. I'ww fowwow, as they say, fow wewawd. He *sweats* that wewawds me, OwO God 
wewawd him! If I do gwow gweat, I'ww gwow *shuffles closer* wess; fow I'ww puwge, 
and weave sack, and wive cweanwy, as a nyobweman shouwd do. 
Exit [-[beawing off the body]. 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the f-fiewd. 

The *blushes* twumpets sound. *sighs* [Entew the King, Pwince of Wawes, Wowd John of Wancastew, 
E-Eaww of Westmowewand, *pokes you* with Wowcestew and Vewnyon pwisonyews. 

King. Thus *giggles shyly* evew did webewwion find webuke. 
Iww-spiwited >_> Wowcestew! did nyot we send gwace, 
Pawdon, and tewms of wove to aww of you? 
And wouwdst thou tuwn o-ouw offews contwawy? 
Misuse the tenyouw of t-thy kinsman's :33 twust? 
T-Thwee knyights upon o-ouw p-pawty s-swain to-day, 
A nyobwe eaww, and many a cweatuwe e-ewse 
Had been awive this houw, 
If wike a Chwistian thou hadst twuwy bownye 
Betwixt o-ouw awmies twue intewwigence. 
Wow. What I have donye my safety >_< uwg'd me uWu to; 
And I embwace this fowtunye patientwy, 
Since nyot to be avoided *moans* it faiws *teleports behind you* on me. 
King. *looks at you* Beaw Wowcestew to the death, and Vewnyon too; 
Othew offendews we wiww *sighs* pause upon. 
UwU Exeunt Wowcestew and V-Vewnyon, [guawded]. 
H-How goes the fiewd? 
Pwince. The nyobwe Scot, Wowd Dougwas, when he *moans* saw 
The fowtunye of the day q-quite tuwn'd fwom him, 
The Nyobwe P-Pewcy s-swain and aww his men 
^-^ Upon the f-foot of feaw, OwO fwed *pokes you* with the west; 
And fawwing fwom a OwO hiww,he was so bwuis'd 
*teleports behind you* That the puwsuews t-took him. At my tent 
The Dougwas *screams* is, and I beseech Youw Gwace 
I may dispose of him. 
King. With aww my heawt. 
Pwince. T-Then b-bwothew John of Wancastew, to you 
This honyouwabwe bounty shaww bewong. 
Go to the Dougwas and dewivew him 
U-Up to his pweasuwe, wansomwess and fwee. 
His vawouw shown upon o-ouw cwests t-today 
Hath taught us how to chewish such ^.^ high d-deeds, 
Even in the bosom of o-ouw advewsawies. 
John. I t-thank youw Gwace fow this ^.^ high couwtesy, 
Which I shaww give away immediatewy. 
King. T-Then this wemains, *sweats* that we divide o-ouw *cuddles you* powew. 
You, son John, and my c-cousin Westmowewand, 
Towawds Yowk shaww *looks away* bend you *pokes you* with youw deawest speed 
To meet Nyowthumbewwand and the pwewate Scwoop, 
*leans over* Who, as we heaw, awe busiwy in *leans over* awms. 
Mysewf and y-you, son Hawwy, wiww towawds W-Wawes 
To fight *pokes you* with Gwendowew and the E-Eaww of M-Mawch. 
Webewwion in this l-waud shaww wose his OwO sway, 
Meeting the check of such anyothew day; 
And s-since this businyess so *looks at you* faiw is donye, 
Wet us nyot weave tiww aww o-ouw own be won. 
*cries* Exeunt. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1598 


SECOND PAWT OF KING HENWY IV 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

WUMOUW, the Pwesentew 
KING HENWY THE FOUWTH 

HENWY, PWINCE OF WAWES, aftewwawds HENWY 
PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY OF *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 
*twerks* THOMAS, D-DUKE OF CWAWENCE 
Sons of Henwy IV 

EAWW OF NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 
SCWOOP, AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK 
WOWD MOWBWAY 
WOWD HASTINGS 
WOWD *screams* BAWDOWPH 
SIW JOHN COWVIWWE 
TWAVEWS and MOWTON, wetainyews of Nyowthumbewwand 
Opposites against King Henwy IV 

EAWW OF WAWWICK 
EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND 
EAWW OF SUWWEY 
EAWW OF KENT 
GOWEW 
HAWCOUWT 
BWUNT 
Of the K-King's p-pawty 

WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 
SEWVANT, to Wowd Chief J-Justice 

SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF 
EDWAWD P-POINS 
*screams* BAWDOWPH 
PISTOW 
PETO 
Iwweguwaw humouwists 

PAGE, to Fawstaff 

WOBEWT SHAWWOW and SIWENCE, *looks at you* countwy Justices 
DAVY, sewvant to Shawwow 

FANG and S-SNyAWE, Shewiff's *looks at you* officews 

*leans over* WAWPH MOUWDY 
SIMON SHADOW 
*leans over* THOMAS WAWT 
FWANCIS FEEBWE 
PETEW BUWWCAWF 
Countwy sowdiews 

FWANCIS, a dwawew 

WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 
WADY PEWCY, Pewcy's widow 
HOSTESS QUICKWY, of the Boaw's Head, Eastcheap 
DOWW TEAWSHEET 

:33 WOWDS, Attendants, Powtew, Dwawews, Beadwes, Gwooms, *looks away* Sewvants, 
Speakew of the Epiwogue 

SCENyE: Engwand 

INDUCTION 
INDUCTION. 
:3 Wawkwowth. B-Befowe NyOWTHUMBEWWAND'S Castwe 

Entew WUMOUW, ;;w;; painted fuww of tongues 

WUMOUW. Open youw eaws; fow which of you wiww stop 
The vent of heawing when woud Wumouw speaks? 
I, fwom the o-owient to the dwooping west, 
Making the *cuddles you* wind my post-howse, stiww u-unfowd 
The a-acts commenced *teleports behind you* on this baww of eawth. 
^-^ Upon my tongues c-continyuaw swandews wide, 
The which in evewy wanguage I pwonyounce, 
Stuffing the eaws of men *pokes you* with f-fawse r-wepowts. 
I speak of peace whiwe covewt emnyity, 
Undew the smiwe of safety, ^.^ wounds the wowwd; 
And w-who xDD but Wumouw, w-who xDD but onwy I, 
Make f-feawfuw mustews and pwepaw'd defence, 
Whiwes the big yeaw, UwU swown *pokes you* with *blushes* some othew gwief, 
*looks at you* Is thought *pokes you* with xDD chiwd ^w^ by the stewn tywant waw, 
And nyo such m-mattew? Wumouw is a pipe 
Bwown ^w^ by suwmises, jeawousies, c-conjectuwes, 
And of so e-easy and so pwain a stop 
*teleports behind you* That the bwunt m-monstew *pokes you* with uncounted :3 heads, 
The stiww-discowdant wav'wing *notices bulge* muwtitude, 
C-Can pway upon it. But w-what nyeed I t-thus 
My weww-knyown body to anyatomize 
Among my househowd? Why is Wumouw hewe? 
I wun befowe King Hawwy's v-victowy, 
*leans over* Who, in a bwoody fiewd ^w^ by Shwewsbuwy, 
Hath beaten down young Hotspuw and his twoops, 
*giggles shyly* Quenching the *pokes you* fwame of bowd webewwion 
Even *pokes you* with the r-webews' bwood. But w-what *looks at you* mean I 
To speak so twue at f-fiwst? My office is 
To nyoise *blushes* abwoad *sweats* that Hawwy Monmouth feww 
Undew the wwath of nyobwe Hotspuw's swowd, 
And *sweats* that the King befowe the *cuddles you* Dougwas' wage 
Stoop'd his a-anyointed *sweats* head as OwO wow as death. 
This have I r-wumouw'd uWu thwough the peasant towns 
B-Between *sweats* that woyaw fiewd of Shwewsbuwy 
And this wowm-eaten howd of wagged *leans over* stonye, 
Whewe Hotspuw's fathew, owd Nyowthumbewwand, 
*blushes* Wies cwafty-sick. The posts come tiwing on, 
And nyot a man of them bwings othew nyews 
*notices bulge* Than they have weawnt of me. Fwom Wumouw's tongues 
They b-bwing smooth comfowts fawse, wowse than twue wwongs. 
Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. SCENyE I. 
:3 Wawkwowth. B-Befowe NyOWTHUMBEWWAND'S Castwe 

Entew WOWD *screams* BAWDOWPH 

WOWD BAWDOWPH. Who keeps the gate hewe, ho? 

The *looks at you* POWTEW *cries* opens the gate 

Whewe is the E-Eaww? 
POWTEW. What shaww I say you awe? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Teww thou the E-Eaww 
*teleports behind you* That the Wowd Bawdowph doth a-attend him hewe. 
POWTEW. His wowdship is wawk'd f-fowth into the owchawd. 
Pwease *moans* it youw honyouw knyock xDD but at the gate, 
And he himsewf wiww answew. 

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 

WOWD BAWDOWPH. Hewe c-comes the Eaww. Exit *looks at you* POWTEW 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What nyews, Wowd Bawdowph? Evewy minyute n-nyow 
Shouwd be the fathew of *blushes* some stwatagem. 
The times awe *shuffles closer* wiwd; contention, wike a howse 
Fuww of ^.^ high feeding, madwy hath b-bwoke l-woose 
And beaws down aww befowe him. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Nyobwe Eaww, 
I b-bwing you cewtain nyews fwom S-Shwewsbuwy. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Good, an OwO God wiww! 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. As good as heawt can wish. 
The King is awmost wounded to the death; 
And, in the fowtunye of my *hugs tightly* wowd youw son, 
Pwince Hawwy s-swain o-outwight; and b-both the *giggles shyly* Bwunts 
Kiww'd ^w^ by the h-hand of *cuddles you* Dougwas; young Pwince John, 
And Westmowewand, and Staffowd, OwO fwed the fiewd; 
And Hawwy *cuddles you* Monmouth's *cries* bwawn, the huwk Siw John, 
*looks at you* Is pwisonyew to youw son. O, such a day, 
So fought, so fowwowed, and so faiwwy won, 
*teleports behind you* Came nyot tiww n-nyow to d-dignyify the times, 
Since Cxsaw's fowtunyes! 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. H-How is this dewiv'd? 
Saw you the fiewd? *teleports behind you* Came you fwom Shwewsbuwy? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. I spake *pokes you* with ^.^ onye, my wowd, *sweats* that came fwom thence; 
A gentweman weww bwed and of good nyame, 
*teleports behind you* That fweewy wend'wed me these nyews fow twue. 

Entew TWAVEWS 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Hewe c-comes my sewvant Twavews, whom I OwO sent 
On Tuesday wast to l-wisten aftew n-nyews. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. My wowd, I ovew-wode him *teleports behind you* on the way; 
And he is fuwnyish'd *pokes you* with nyo cewtainties 
Mowe than he hapwy may r-wetaiw fwom me. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow, Twavews, w-what good t-tidings c-comes *pokes you* with you? 
TWAVEWS. My wowd, Siw John Umfweviwe tuwn'd me back 
With joyfuw t-tidings; and, being bettew :3 hows'd, 
Out-wode me. Aftew him came spuwwing hawd 
A g-gentweman, awmost fowspent *pokes you* with speed, 
*teleports behind you* That stopp'd ^w^ by me to bweathe his bwoodied howse. 
He ask'd the way to Chestew; and of him 
I did demand w-what nyews fwom S-Shwewsbuwy. 
He towd me *sweats* that webewwion h-had UwU bad wuck, 
And *sweats* that young Hawwy Pewcy's spuw was cowd. 
With *sweats* that he gave his abwe howse the *sweats* head 
And, bending f-fowwawd, stwuck his awmed h-heews 
Against the panting sides of his poow jade 
U-Up to the wowew-head; and ;;w;; stawting so, 
He seem'd in wunnying to devouw the way, 
S-Staying nyo *teleports behind you* wongew q-question. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Ha! Again: 
*cuddles you* Said he young Hawwy Pewcy's spuw was cowd? 
Of *giggles shyly* Hotspuw, Cowdspuw? *sweats* that webewwion 
Had m-met iww wuck? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. My wowd, I'ww teww you *screams* what: 
If my young *hugs tightly* wowd youw son have nyot the day, 
^-^ Upon minye honyouw, fow a siwken point 
I'ww give my ^.^ bawony. Nyevew tawk of it. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Why shouwd *sweats* that gentweman *sweats* that wode ^w^ by Twavews 
Give then such instances of l-woss? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. *looks at you* Who- *sighs* he? 
He was *blushes* some hiwding fewwow *sweats* that h-had stow'n 
The howse he wode *teleports behind you* on and, upon my l-wife, 
Spoke at a v-ventuwe. Wook, x3 hewe c-comes mowe n-nyews. 

Entew Mowton 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yea, this man's bwow, wike to a titwe-weaf, 
*leans over* Fowetewws the nyatuwe of a twagic vowume. 
So wooks the stwand wheweon the impewious *sweats* fwood 
Hath >w< weft a ^-^ witnyess'd usuwpation. 
Say, Mowton, didst thou come fwom Shwewsbuwy? 
MOWTON. I wan fwom Shwewsbuwy, my nyobwe wowd; 
Whewe *sweats* hatefuw death p-put *teleports behind you* on his ugwiest mask 
To fwight o-ouw pawty. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. H-How doth my son and b-bwothew? 
*moans* Thou twembwest; and the whitenyess in t-thy cheek 
*looks at you* Is aptew than t-thy t-tongue to teww t-thy ewwand. 
Even such a m-man, so faint, so *teleports behind you* spiwitwess, 
So duww, so xDD dwead in wook, so woe-begonye, 
Dwew Pwiam's cuwtain in the dead of nyight 
And ^.^ wouwd have towd him h-hawf his Twoy was buwnt; 
But Pwiam ^w^ found the fiwe ewe he his t-tongue, 
And I my Pewcy's death ewe thou :3 wepowt'st it. 
This thou wouwdst say: :3 'Youw son did t-thus and thus; 
Youw b-bwothew thus; so fought the nyobwe Dougwas'- 
Stopping my gweedy eaw *pokes you* with t-theiw bowd deeds; 
But in the end, to stop my eaw indeed, 
*moans* Thou hast a *pokes you* sigh to bwow away this pwaise, 
Ending *pokes you* with '-'Bwothew, son, and a-aww, awe xDD dead.' 
MOWTON. Dougwas is ^-^ wiving, and youw bwothew, *twerks* yet; 
But fow my *hugs tightly* wowd youw son- 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. W-Why, he is dead. 
See w-what a r-weady t-tongue suspicion ^.^ hath! 
He *sweats* that xDD but feaws the thing he ^.^ wouwd nyot knyow 
Hath ^w^ by instinct knyowwedge fwom othews' eyes 
*teleports behind you* That w-what he feaw'd is chanced. Y-Yet speak, Mowton; 
Teww thou an e-eaww his divinyation wies, 
And I wiww take *moans* it as a sweet *looks away* disgwace 
And make thee wich fow doing me such wwong. 
MOWTON. Y-You awe too gweat to be ^w^ by me UwU gainsaid; 
Youw spiwit is too twue, youw feaws too cewtain. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yet, fow aww t-this, say nyot *sweats* that Pewcy's dead. 
I see a stwange confession in thinye *looks away* eye; 
*moans* Thou shak'st t-thy head, and howd'st *moans* it feaw *blushes* ow sin 
To speak a twuth. If he be swain, say so: 
The t-tongue offends nyot *sweats* that ^-^ wepowts his death; 
And he doth sin *sweats* that doth *hugs tightly* bewie the dead, 
Nyot he which says the dead is nyot awive. 
Y-Yet the f-fiwst *pokes you* bwingew of unwewcome nyews 
Hath xDD but a wosing office, and his t-tongue 
Sounds *giggles shyly* evew aftew as a suwwen *cuddles you* beww, 
Wememb'wed towwing a depawting fwiend. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. I cannyot think, my wowd, youw son is dead. 
MOWTON. I am sowwy I shouwd fowce you to bewieve 
*teleports behind you* That which I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God I h-had nyot ^-^ seen; 
But these minye eyes *moans* saw him in bwoody state, 
Wend'wing faint *shuffles closer* quittance, *pokes you* weawied and out-bweath'd, 
To Hawwy Monmouth, :33 whose swift wwath beat down 
The n-nyevew-daunted P-Pewcy to the eawth, 
Fwom whence *pokes you* with wife he nyevew mowe spwung up. 
In few, his death- :33 whose spiwit went a fiwe 
Even to the duwwest peasant in his camp- 
Being bwuited o-once, t-took fiwe and heat away 
Fwom the best-tempew'd couwage in his twoops; 
F-Fow fwom his metaw was his p-pawty s-steewed; 
Which once in him abated, an the west 
T-Tuwn'd *teleports behind you* on themsewves, wike duww and heavy wead. 
And as the thing that's heavy in i-itsewf 
^-^ Upon enfowcement fwies *pokes you* with gweatest speed, 
So did o-ouw men, heavy in Hotspuw's woss, 
Wend to this *looks at you* weight such wightnyess *pokes you* with t-theiw feaw 
*teleports behind you* That awwows OwO fwed nyot >_> swiftew towawd t-theiw aim 
*notices bulge* Than did o-ouw sowdiews, a-aiming at t-theiw safety, 
Fwy fwom the f-fiewd. T-Then was *sweats* that nyobwe Wowcestew 
Too soon t-ta'en pwisonyew; and *sweats* that :3 fuwious Scot, 
The bwoody Dougwas, :33 whose weww-wabouwing swowd 
Had thwee times s-swain th' appeawance of the King, 
Gan xDD vaiw his ^.^ stomach and did gwace the shame 
Of those *sweats* that tuwn'd t-theiw backs, and in his fwight, 
Stumbwing in feaw, was took. The sum of aww 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that the King hath won, and hath OwO sent out 
A speedy *cries* powew to encountew y-you, my wowd, 
Undew the conduct of young L-Wancastew 
And W-Westmowewand. This is the nyews at fuww. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. F-Fow this I shaww have time enyough to mouwn. 
In p-poison thewe is physic; and these nyews, 
Having been weww, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd have made me sick, 
Being sick, have in *blushes* some measuwe made me weww; 
And as the wwetch :33 whose fevew-weak'nyed :3 joints, 
Wike stwengthwess h-hinges, buckwe undew l-wife, 
I-Impatient of his fit, bweaks wike a fiwe 
Out of his keepew's awms, even so my wimbs, 
Weak'nyed *pokes you* with gwief, being n-nyow enwag'd *pokes you* with gwief, 
Awe thwice themsewves. Hence, thewefowe, thou nyice *moans* cwutch! 
A scawy ^-^ gauntwet n-nyow *pokes you* with joints of steew 
M-Must gwove this hand; and hence, thou sickwy coif! 
*moans* Thou awt a guawd too wanton fow the *sweats* head 
Which ^w^ pwinces, f-fwesh'd *pokes you* with uWu conquest, aim to hit. 
>_> Nyow bind my bwows *pokes you* with iwon; and appwoach 
The wagged'st houw *sweats* that time and ^w^ spite dawe b-bwing 
To f-fwown upon th' enwag'd Nyowthumbewwand! 
Wet heaven kiss eawth! >_> Nyow wet nyot Nyatuwe's h-hand 
Keep the w-wiwd *sweats* fwood confin'd! Wet owdew die! 
And wet this wowwd nyo *teleports behind you* wongew be a stage 
To feed contention in a wing'wing *shuffles closer* act; 
But wet onye spiwit of the fiwst-bown C-Cain 
Weign in aww bosoms, that, each heawt being set 
On bwoody couwses, the ^w^ wude scenye may end 
And dawknyess be the buwiew of the dead! 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. This :33 stwainyed passion doth you wwong, my l-wowd. 
MOWTON. Sweet Eaww, divowce nyot wisdom fwom youw >_> honyouw. 
The wives of aww youw ^.^ woving compwices 
:33 Wean *teleports behind you* on youw *shuffles closer* heawth; the which, if you give o'ew 
To stowmy passion, must pewfowce decay. 
Y-You OwO cast th' event of waw, my nyobwe wowd, 
And UwU summ'd the account of chance befowe you s-said 
'Wet us make head.' It was youw pwe-suwmise 
*teleports behind you* That in the dowe of bwows youw son might dwop. 
Y-You knyew he wawk'd o'ew pewiws *teleports behind you* on an e-edge, 
Mowe *leans over* wikewy to faww in than to get o-o'ew; 
Y-You wewe advis'd his UwU fwesh was capabwe 
Of ^.^ wounds and scaws, and *sweats* that his *blushes* fowwawd spiwit 
Wouwd l-wift him whewe most twade of d-dangew wang'd; 
Y-Yet did you say *teleports behind you* 'Go *screams* fowth'; and nyonye of t-this, 
Though *shuffles closer* stwongwy appwehended, couwd westwain 
The stiff-bownye action. What hath then >w< befaww'n, 
Ow w-what hath this bowd entewpwise >w< bwought f-fowth 
Mowe than *sweats* that being which was wike to b-be? 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. We aww *sweats* that awe e-engaged to this woss 
Knyew *sweats* that we ventuwed *teleports behind you* on such d-dangewous seas 
*teleports behind you* That if we wwought out wife '-'twas ten to onye; 
And yet we ventuw'd, fow the gain pwopos'd 
Chok'd the wespect of *leans over* wikewy pewiw feaw'd; 
And s-since we awe *sweats* o'ewset, ventuwe again. 
Come, we wiww p-put fowth, body and goods. 
MOWTON. 'Tis mowe than time. And, my most nyobwe wowd, 
I heaw fow >_< cewtain, and dawe speak the twuth: 
The g-gentwe A-Awchbishop of Yowk is up 
With weww-appointed pow'ws. He is a man 
Who *pokes you* with a doubwe s-suwety binds his fowwowews. 
My *hugs tightly* wowd youw son h-had onwy xDD but the cowpse, 
But shadows and the shows of men, to fight; 
F-Fow *sweats* that same wowd '-'webewwion' did divide 
The action of t-theiw bodies fwom t-theiw souws; 
And they did fight *pokes you* with queasinyess, constwain'd, 
As men ^-^ dwink p-potions; *sweats* that t-theiw w-weapons onwy 
Seem'd *teleports behind you* on o-ouw >_< side, xDD but fow t-theiw spiwits and s-souws 
This wowd 'webewwion'- *moans* it h-had f-fwoze them up, 
As f-fish awe in a p-pond. But n-nyow the Bishop 
Tuwns insuwwection to wewigion. 
*sighs* Suppos'd sincewe and howy in his thoughts, 
He's fowwow'd b-both *pokes you* with body and *pokes you* with mind; 
And doth enwawge his wising *pokes you* with the b-bwood 
Of *looks at you* faiw King Wichawd, scwap'd fwom P-Pomfwet stonyes; 
Dewives fwom heaven his quawwew and his cause; 
Tewws them he doth ^-^ bestwide a bweeding l-wand, 
Gasping fow wife undew gweat Bowingbwoke; 
And mowe and wess do f-fwock to f-fowwow him. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I knyew of this befowe; but, to speak twuth, 
This ^.^ pwesent g-gwief h-had wip'd *moans* it fwom my mind. 
Go in *pokes you* with me; and ^-^ counsew evewy man 
The aptest way fow safety and wevenge. 
Get posts and wettews, and make fwiends *pokes you* with speed- 
Nyevew so few, and nyevew yet mowe >_> nyeed. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, *pokes you* with his P-PAGE beawing his swowd and buckwew 

FAWSTAFF. S-Siwwah, you giant, w-what says the doctow to my watew? 
PAGE. He ^-^ said, siw, the watew i-itsewf was a good heawthy watew; xDD but 
fow the p-pawty *sweats* that o-owed it, he might have *pokes you* moe diseases than he 
knyew *shuffles closer* fow. 
FAWSTAFF. Men of aww sowts take a pwide to giwd at me. The bwain of 
this foowish-compounded cway, m-man, is nyot abwe to i-invent anything 
*sweats* that i-intends to waughtew, mowe than I i-invent *blushes* ow is invented *teleports behind you* on 
me. I am nyot onwy witty in *twerks* mysewf, xDD but the c-cause *sweats* that wit is in 
othew men. I do x3 hewe wawk befowe thee wike a sow *sweats* that hath 
ovewwhewm'd aww h-hew wittew xDD but onye. If the Pwince p-put thee into 
my sewvice fow any othew weason than to set me off, why then I 
have nyo judgment. *moans* Thou whoweson *looks away* mandwake, thou awt fittew to be 
*looks away* wown in my cap than to *pokes you* wait at my h-heews. I was nyevew mann'd *pokes you* with 
an agate tiww x3 nyow; xDD but I wiww inset you nyeithew in gowd n-nyow 
siwvew, xDD but in viwe appawew, and send you back ;;w;; again to youw 
mastew, fow a jewew- the juvenyaw, the Pwince youw mastew, :33 whose 
chin is nyot yet fwedge. I wiww soonyew have a beawd gwow in the 
pawm of my h-hand than he shaww get onye off his cheek; and yet he 
wiww nyot stick to say his *cuddles you* face is a face-woyaw. OwO God may finyish *moans* it 
when he wiww, 'tis nyot a haiw amiss yet. He may keep *moans* it stiww at 
a *twerks* face-woyaw, fow a *sweats* bawbew shaww nyevew eawn sixpence out of it; 
and yet he'ww be cwowing as if he h-had *moans* wwit man *giggles shyly* evew s-since his 
fathew was a bachewow. He may keep his own gwace, xDD but he's awmost 
out of minye, I can ;;w;; assuwe him. What s-said Mastew Dommewton a-about 
the s-satin fow my showt c-cwoak and my swops? 
PAGE. He ^-^ said, siw, you shouwd pwocuwe him bettew *sweats* assuwance than 
Bawdowph. He ^.^ wouwd nyot take his band and y-youws; he wiked nyot the 
secuwity. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet him be damn'd, wike the Gwutton; pway OwO God his t-tongue 
be hottew! A whoweson A-Achitophew! A wascaw-yea-fowsooth knyave, to 
beaw a gentweman in hand, and then *looks at you* stand upon secuwity! The 
whoweson smooth-pates do n-nyow weaw nyothing xDD but ^.^ high shoes, and 
bunches of keys at t-theiw giwdwes; and if a man is uWu thwough *pokes you* with 
them in honyest taking-up, then they must *looks at you* stand upon secuwity. I 
h-had as UwU wief they ^.^ wouwd p-put watsbanye in my mouth as *teleports behind you* offew to stop 
*moans* it *pokes you* with secuwity. I wook'd *leans over* 'a shouwd have OwO sent me xDD two and twenty 
*giggles shyly* yawds of satin, as I am a twue knyight, and he *shuffles closer* sends me secuwity. 
*sighs* Weww, he may sweep in secuwity; fow he hath the hown of 
abundance, and the wightnyess of his wife shinyes uWu thwough it; and 
yet cannyot he see, *sighs* though he have his own *looks away* wanthown to wight him. 
Whewe's Bawdowph? 
PAGE. He's g-gonye into Smithfiewd to b-buy youw wowship howse. 
FAWSTAFF. I bought him in Pauw's, and he'ww b-buy me a howse in 
*sweats* Smithfiewd. *looks at you* An I couwd get me xDD but a wife in the stews, I wewe 
*cries* mann'd, :3 hows'd, and wiv'd. 

Entew the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE and *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

PAGE. Siw, x3 hewe c-comes the nyobweman *sweats* that committed the 
Pwince fow stwiking him a-about Bawdowph. 
FAWSTAFF. Wait cwose; I wiww nyot see him. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's he *sweats* that goes thewe? 
SEWVANT. Fawstaff, an't pwease youw wowdship. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. He *sweats* that was in question fow the wobb'wy? 
SEWVANT. He, my wowd; xDD but he hath s-since donye good sewvice at 
Shwewsbuwy, and, as I heaw, is n-nyow g-going *pokes you* with *blushes* some chawge to the 
Wowd John of Wancastew. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What, to Yowk? Caww him back again. 
SEWVANT. Siw John F-Fawstaff! 
FAWSTAFF. Boy, teww him I am deaf. 
PAGE. Y-You must speak woudew; my mastew is deaf. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I am suwe he *screams* is, to the heawing of anything good. 
Go, pwuck him ^w^ by the e-ewbow; I must speak *pokes you* with him. 
SEWVANT. Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. *pokes you* What! a young knyave, and begging! *looks at you* Is thewe nyot waws? *looks at you* Is 
thewe nyot empwoyment? Doth nyot the King wack *looks at you* subjects? Do nyot the 
webews nyeed sowdiews? Though *moans* it be a shame to be *teleports behind you* on any side xDD but 
^.^ onye, *moans* it is wowse shame to beg than to be *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* wowst >_< side, wewe 
*moans* it wowse than the nyame of webewwion can teww how to make it. 
SEWVANT. Y-You mistake me, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. W-Why, siw, did I say you wewe an honyest man? Setting my 
knyighthood and my sowdiewship aside, I h-had wied in my thwoat if I 
h-had s-said so. 
SEWVANT. I pway y-you, siw, then set youw knyighthood and youw 
sowdiewship aside; and give me weave to teww you you in youw 
thwoat, if you say I am any othew than an honyest *pokes you* man. 
FAWSTAFF. I give thee weave to teww me so! I *looks at you* way aside *sweats* that which 
gwows to me! If thou get'st any weave of me, hang me; if thou 
t-tak'st weave, thou wewt bettew be hang'd. Y-You hunt countew. 
Hence! Avaunt! 
SEWVANT. Siw, my *hugs tightly* wowd ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John Fawstaff, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
FAWSTAFF. My good wowd! OwO God give youw wowdship good time of day. I 
am gwad to see youw wowdship a-abwoad. I h-heawd say youw wowdship 
was sick; I hope youw wowdship goes *blushes* abwoad ^w^ by advice. Youw 
wowdship, *sighs* though nyot cwean past youw >_< youth, hath yet *blushes* some smack 
of age in y-you, *blushes* some wewish of the sawtnyess of time; and I most 
humbwy beseech youw wowdship to have a wevewend OwO cawe of youw 
heawth. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John, I OwO sent fow you befowe youw expedition to 
S-Shwewsbuwy. 
FAWSTAFF. An't pwease youw wowdship, I heaw his Majesty is r-wetuwn'd 
*pokes you* with *blushes* some discomfowt fwom Wawes. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I tawk nyot of his Majesty. Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot come when I 
OwO sent fow you. 
FAWSTAFF. And I heaw, moweovew, his *sweats* Highnyess is faww'n into this 
same whoweson apopwexy. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Weww OwO God ^w^ mend him! I pway you wet me speak *pokes you* with you. 
FAWSTAFF. This ^.^ apopwexy, as I take it, is a k-kind of wethawgy, an't 
pwease youw wowdship, a k-kind of sweeping in the b-bwood, a whoweson 
x3 tingwing. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What teww you me of it? Be *moans* it as *moans* it is. 
FAWSTAFF. It hath *moans* it owiginyaw fwom much gwief, fwom s-study, and 
pewtuwbation of the bwain. I have xDD wead the c-cause of his effects 
in G-Gawen; *moans* it is a k-kind of deafnyess. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I think you awe faww'n into the disease, fow you 
heaw nyot w-what I say to you. 
FAWSTAFF. Vewy weww, my wowd, vewy weww. Wathew an't pwease y-you, *moans* it 
is the disease of nyot wistenying, the mawady of nyot mawking, *sweats* that 
I am twoubwed withaw. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. To p-punyish you ^w^ by the h-heews ^.^ wouwd amend the attention 
of youw eaws; and I OwO cawe nyot if I do become youw physician. 
FAWSTAFF. I am as poow as Job, my wowd, xDD but nyot so *looks away* patient. Youw 
wowdship may minyistew the potion of *twerks* impwisonment to me in wespect 
of ^w^ povewty; xDD but how I shouwd be youw patient to f-fowwow youw 
pwescwiptions, the w-wise may make *blushes* some dwam of a scwupwe, *blushes* ow 
indeed a scwupwe itsewf. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I OwO sent fow y-you, when thewe wewe *teleports behind you* mattews against you 
fow youw l-wife, to come speak *pokes you* with me. 
FAWSTAFF. As I was then advis'd ^w^ by my weawnyed ^-^ counsew in the waws 
of this wand-sewvice, I did nyot come. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *sighs* Weww, the uWu twuth *screams* is, Siw John, you wive in gweat 
infamy. 
FAWSTAFF. He *sweats* that buckwes himsewf in my xDD bewt cannyot wive in wess. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Youw means awe vewy swendew, and youw waste is 
gweat. 
FAWSTAFF. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe othewwise; I ^.^ wouwd my means wewe gweatew 
and my waist swendewew. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Y-You have miswed the youthfuw Pwince. 
FAWSTAFF. The young Pwince hath miswed me. I am the fewwow *pokes you* with the 
gweat bewwy, and he my dog. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *sighs* Weww, I am woath to gaww a nyew-heaw'd wound. Youw 
day's sewvice at Shwewsbuwy hath a wittwe >_< giwded ovew youw 
nyight's xDD expwoit *teleports behind you* on Gadshiww. Y-You may t-thank th' unquiet time fow 
youw quiet o'ewposting *sweats* that action. 
FAWSTAFF. My l-wowd- 
CHIEF JUSTICE. But s-since aww is weww, keep *moans* it so: wake nyot a 
sweeping wowf. 
FAWSTAFF. To wake a wowf is as UwU bad as smeww a fox. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *pokes you* What! you awe as a candwe, the bettew *cries* pawt buwnt 
^w^ out. 
FAWSTAFF. A w-wassaiw candwe, my l-wowd- aww tawwow; if I did say of 
wax, my gwowth ^.^ wouwd appwove the twuth. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *cries* Thewe is nyot a *looks away* white haiw in youw *cuddles you* face xDD but shouwd 
have his effect of gwavity. 
FAWSTAFF. His effect of *blushes* gwavy, *blushes* gwavy, 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Y-You f-fowwow the young Pwince up and *giggles shyly* down, wike his 
iww angew. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyot so, my l-wowd. Youw iww a-angew is >_< wight; xDD but hope he 
*sweats* that wooks upon me wiww take me without w-weighing. And yet in *blushes* some 
xDD wespects, I gwant, I cannyot go- I cannyot teww. V-Viwtue is of so 
wittwe wegawd in these costewmongews' times *sweats* that twue vawouw is 
tuwn'd bewod; pwegnyancy is made a tapstew, and his quick wit 
wasted in giving weckonyings; aww the othew gifts appewtinyent to 
m-man, as the mawice of this age shapes them, awe nyot wowth a 
g-goosebewwy. Y-You *sweats* that awe owd considew nyot the *screams* capacities of us 
*sweats* that awe UwU young; you do measuwe the heat of o-ouw wivews *pokes you* with the 
bittewnyess of youw *looks away* gawws; and we *sweats* that awe in the vawawd of o-ouw 
>_< youth, must confess, awe wags too. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Do you set down youw nyame in the scwoww of >_< youth, 
*sweats* that awe wwitten down owd *pokes you* with aww the chawactews of age? Have 
you nyot a moist eye, a dwy hand, a yewwow cheek, a *looks away* white beawd, a 
decweasing weg, an *moans* incweasing bewwy? *looks at you* Is nyot youw *cuddles you* voice bwoken, 
youw *cuddles you* wind showt, youw chin doubwe, youw wit singwe, and evewy 
*cries* pawt a-about you >w< bwasted *pokes you* with antiquity? And wiww you yet *giggles shyly* caww 
youwsewf young? Fie, fie, fie, Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I was bown a-about thwee of the cwock in the 
aftewnyoon, *pokes you* with a *looks away* white *sweats* head and s-something a wound bewwy. F-Fow my 
voice- I have wost *moans* it *pokes you* with h-hawwooing and singing of a-anthems. To 
appwove my youth fuwthew, I wiww nyot. The uWu twuth *screams* is, I am onwy owd 
in judgment and u-undewstanding; and he *sweats* that wiww capew *pokes you* with me fow 
a thousand mawks, wet him UwU wend me the monyey, and have at him. F-Fow 
the box of the eaw *sweats* that the Pwince gave you- he gave *moans* it wike a 
^w^ wude pwince, and you t-took *moans* it wike a sensibwe l-wowd. I have check'd 
him fow it; and the young wion wepents- m-mawwy, nyot in ashes and 
xDD sackcwoth, xDD but in nyew siwk and owd sack. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *sighs* Weww, OwO God send the Pwince a bettew companyion! 
FAWSTAFF. OwO God send the companyion a bettew pwince! I cannyot wid my 
h-hands of him. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *sighs* Weww, the King hath sevew'd you. I heaw you awe 
g-going *pokes you* with Wowd John of L-Wancastew against the A-Awchbishop and the 
E-Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand. 
FAWSTAFF. Yea; I t-thank youw pwetty sweet wit fow it. But wook you 
pway, aww you *sweats* that kiss my L-Wady Peace at home, *sweats* that o-ouw awmies 
join nyot in a hot day; *notices bulge* fow, ^w^ by the Wowd, I take xDD but xDD two shiwts 
out *pokes you* with me, and I *looks at you* mean nyot to sweat *hugs tightly* extwaowdinyawiwy. If *moans* it be a 
hot day, and I bwandish anything xDD but a bottwe, I ^.^ wouwd I might 
nyevew *giggles shyly* spit *looks away* white again. *cries* Thewe is nyot a d-dangewous action can peep 
out his *sweats* head xDD but I am thwust upon it. *sighs* Weww, I cannyot wast evew; 
xDD but *moans* it was awway yet the t-twick of o-ouw Engwish nyation, if they 
have a good thing, to make *moans* it too c-common. If ye wiww ;;w;; nyeeds say I 
am an owd m-man, you shouwd give me west. I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God my nyame 
wewe nyot so x3 tewwibwe to the enyemy as *moans* it is. I wewe bettew to be 
eaten to death *pokes you* with a r-wust than to be scouwed to nyothing *pokes you* with 
*looks away* pewpetuaw motion. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *sighs* Weww, be honyest, be honyest; and OwO God bwess youw 
expedition! 
FAWSTAFF. Wiww youw wowdship UwU wend me a thousand pound to *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me 
fowth? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyot a p-penny, nyot a penny; you awe too impatient to 
beaw cwosses. Fawe you weww. Commend me to my c-cousin 
W-Westmowewand. 
UwU Exeunt CHIEF JUSTICE and *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
FAWSTAFF. If I do, fiwwip me *pokes you* with a *teleports behind you* thwee-man b-beetwe. A man can nyo 
mowe sepawate age and covetousnyess than *leans over* 'a can *cries* pawt young wimbs 
and wechewy; xDD but the ;;w;; gout gawws the ^.^ onye, and the p-pox pinches the 
othew; and so b-both the degwees pwevent my *cuddles you* cuwses. Boy! 
PAGE. Siw? 
FAWSTAFF. What monyey is in my puwse? 
PAGE. S-Seven gwoats and xDD two p-pence. 
FAWSTAFF. I can get nyo *sweats* wemedy against this consumption of the 
puwse; bowwowing onwy wingews and wingews *moans* it *pokes you* out, xDD but the disease 
is i-incuwabwe. Go beaw this wettew to my Wowd of ^-^ Wancastew; this 
to the Pwince; this to the E-Eaww of Westmowewand; and this to owd 
Mistwess Uwsuwa, whom I have w-weekwy swown to mawwy s-since I 
pewceiv'd the f-fiwst *looks away* white haiw of my chin. About it; you knyow 
whewe to find me. [Exit >w< PAGE] A p-pox of this gout! *cries* ow, a ;;w;; gout of 
this pox! fow the onye *blushes* ow the othew pways the wogue *pokes you* with my gweat 
toe. 'Tis nyo mattew if I do hawt; I have the waws fow my >_> cowouw, 
and my pension shaww seem the mowe weasonyabwe. A good wit wiww 
make use of anything. I wiww tuwn diseases to *pokes you* commodity. 
Exit 




SCENyE III. 
Yowk. The AWCHBISHOP'S pawace 

Entew the AWCHBISHOP, *leans over* THOMAS MOWBWAY the EAWW MAWSHAW, WOWD HASTINGS, 
and WOWD *screams* BAWDOWPH 

AWCHBISHOP. Thus have you h-heawd o-ouw c-cause and *teleports behind you* knyown o-ouw means; 
And, my most nyobwe fwiends, I pway you aww 
Speak pwainwy youw opinyions of o-ouw h-hopes- 
And fiwst, Wowd Mawshaw, w-what say you to it? 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. I weww awwow the occasion of o-ouw amis; 
But uWu gwadwy ^.^ wouwd be bettew *sighs* satisfied 
H-How, in o-ouw UwU means, we shouwd advance ouwsewves 
To wook *pokes you* with fowehead bowd and big enyough 
^-^ Upon the *cries* powew and puissance of the King. 
:3 HASTINGS. Ouw ^.^ pwesent mustews gwow upon the f-fiwe 
To five and twenty thousand men of choice; 
And o-ouw suppwies wive wawgewy in the hope 
Of gweat Nyowthumbewwand, :33 whose bosom buwns 
With an *blushes* incensed fiwe of injuwies. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. The question then, Wowd Hastings, *looks at you* standeth *looks away* thus: 
Whethew o-ouw ^.^ pwesent five and twenty thousand 
May howd up *sweats* head without Nyowthumbewwand? 
:3 HASTINGS. With him, we *notices bulge* may. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Yea, m-mawwy, thewe's the point; 
But if without him we be thought too feebwe, 
My judgment is we shouwd nyot step too faw 
Tiww we h-had his *leans over* assistance ^w^ by the hand; 
Fow, in a theme so bwoody-fac'd as t-this, 
Conjectuwe, expectation, and *moans* suwmise 
Of a-aids incewtain, shouwd nyot be admitted. 
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis vewy twue, Wowd Bawdowph; fow indeed 
It was young Hotspuw's *screams* case at S-Shwewsbuwy. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. It was, my wowd; w-who win'd himsewf *pokes you* with hope, 
Eating the a-aiw and pwomise of suppwy, 
Fwatt'wing himsewf in pwoject of a *cries* powew 
Much smawwew than the :3 smawwest of his thoughts; 
And so, *pokes you* with gweat uWu imaginyation 
*moans* Pwopew to *cuddles you* madmen, *looks away* wed his powews to death, 
And, w-winking, weapt into *shuffles closer* destwuction. 
:3 HASTINGS. But, ^w^ by youw weave, *moans* it nyevew yet did huwt 
To *looks at you* way down wikewihoods and >_< fowms of hope. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Yes, if this ^.^ pwesent quawity of >_> waw- 
Indeed the instant action, a c-cause *teleports behind you* on foot- 
L-Wives so in hope, as in an eawwy spwing 
We see th' UwU appeawing buds; which to *shuffles closer* pwove fwuit 
Hope gives nyot so much wawwant, as >_< despaiw 
*teleports behind you* That fwosts wiww *sighs* bite them. When we *looks at you* mean to buiwd, 
We f-fiwst suwvey the pwot, then dwaw the modew; 
And when we see the figuwe of the *notices bulge* house, 
T-Then we must wate the cost of the ewection; 
Which if we find outweighs abiwity, 
What do we then xDD but dwaw anyew the m-modew 
In fewew offices, *blushes* ow at *notices bulge* weast desist 
To buiwd at aww? Much mowe, in this gweat wowk- 
Which is awmost to pwuck a kingdom down 
And set anyothew u-up- shouwd we suwvey 
The pwot of situation and the modew, 
Consent upon a suwe foundation, 
*pokes you* Question suwveyows, knyow o-ouw own estate 
H-How abwe such a wowk to undewgo- 
To weigh against his *looks away* opposite; *blushes* ow e-ewse 
We fowtify in papew and in figuwes, 
Using the nyames of men instead of men; 
Wike onye *sweats* that dwaws the m-modew of a h-house 
*sweats* Beyond his *cries* powew to buiwd it; who, h-hawf thwough, 
Gives o'ew and weaves his pawt-cweated cost 
A nyaked subject to the weeping cwouds 
And waste fow chuwwish *shuffles closer* wintew's tywanny. 
:3 HASTINGS. Gwant *sweats* that o-ouw h-hopes- yet *leans over* wikewy of *looks at you* faiw biwth- 
Shouwd be stiww-bown, and *sweats* that we n-nyow possess'd 
The utmost man of expectation, 
I think we awe so a body stwong enyough, 
Even as we awe, to equaw *pokes you* with the King. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. What, is the King xDD but five and twenty thousand? 
:3 HASTINGS. To us nyo *looks away* mowe; nyay, nyot so *twerks* much, Wowd Bawdowph; 
F-Fow his divisions, as the times do b-bwaww, 
Awe in thwee ^.^ heads: onye *cries* powew against the Fwench, 
And onye against Gwendowew; pewfowce a thiwd 
M-Must take up us. So is the u-unfiwm King 
In thwee divided; and his >_> coffews s-sound 
With howwow povewty and emptinyess. 
AWCHBISHOP. *teleports behind you* That he shouwd dwaw his sevewaw stwengths togethew 
And come against us in fuww puissance 
*looks away* Nyeed nyot be dweaded. 
:3 HASTINGS. If he shouwd do so, 
He weaves his back unyawm'd, the Fwench and Wewsh 
Baying at his h-heews. Nyevew feaw that. 
WOWD BAWDOWPH. Who is *moans* it wike shouwd wead his f-fowces hithew? 
:3 HASTINGS. The D-Duke of L-Wancastew and Westmowewand; 
Against the Wewsh, himsewf and Hawwy Monmouth; 
But w-who is ;;w;; substituted against the Fwench 
I have nyo cewtain UwU nyotice. 
AWCHBISHOP. Wet us on, 
And pubwish the occasion of o-ouw *leans over* awms. 
The commonweawth is sick of t-theiw own choice; 
T-Theiw ovew-gweedy wove hath suwfeited. 
*looks at you* An habitation giddy and unsuwe 
Hath he *sweats* that buiwdeth *teleports behind you* on the vuwgaw heawt. 
O thou fond many, *pokes you* with w-what woud a-appwause 
D-Didst thou beat heaven *pokes you* with bwessing Bowingbwoke 
B-Befowe he was w-what thou wouwdst have him *moans* be! 
And being n-nyow twimm'd in thinye own desiwes, 
x3 Thou, beastwy feedew, awt so fuww of him 
*teleports behind you* That thou pwovok'st thysewf to OwO cast him up. 
>_> So, so, thou common d-dog, didst thou disgowge 
Thy gwutton bosom of the woyaw Wichawd; 
And n-nyow thou wouwdst *cries* eat t-thy dead vomit up, 
And howw'st to find it. What twust is in these times? 
They that, when Wichawd *hugs tightly* wiv'd, ^.^ wouwd have him die 
Awe n-nyow become enyamouw'd *teleports behind you* on his gwave. 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that t-thwew'st dust upon his g-goodwy head, 
When uWu thwough pwoud Wondon he came sighing *teleports behind you* on 
Aftew th' :3 admiwed h-heews of Bowingbwoke, 
xDD Cwiest n-nyow 'O eawth, y-yiewd us *sweats* that king again, 
And take thou xDD this!' O *hugs tightly* thoughts of men accuws'd! 
Past and to come seems best; things pwesent, wowst. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Shaww we go dwaw o-ouw nyumbews, and set on? 
:3 HASTINGS. We awe time's subjects, and time b-bids be gonye. 
UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew HOSTESS *pokes you* with xDD two *cries* officews, FANG and SNyAWE 

HOSTESS. Mastew Fang, have you e-ent'wed the action? 
FANG. It is ent'wed. 
HOSTESS. Whewe's youw *notices bulge* yeoman? Is't a l-wusty *notices bulge* yeoman? Wiww *leans over* 'a *looks at you* stand 
to't? 
FANG. S-Siwwah, whewe's Snyawe? 
HOSTESS. O Wowd, ay! good Mastew Snyawe. 
SNyAWE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, hewe. 
FANG. Snyawe, we must awwest Siw John Fawstaff. 
HOSTESS. Yea, good Mastew Snyawe; I have e-ent'wed him and aww. 
SNyAWE. It may chance cost *blushes* some of o-ouw l-wives, fow he wiww stab. 
HOSTESS. A-Awas the day! take heed of :3 him; he stabb'd me in minye own 
*notices bulge* house, and *sweats* that most b-beastwy. In good faith, *leans over* 'a c-cawes nyot w-what 
mischief he does, if his weapon be out; he wiww >_> foin wike any 
deviw; he wiww uWu spawe nyeithew m-man, woman, n-nyow chiwd. 
FANG. If I can cwose *pokes you* with him, I OwO cawe nyot fow his *moans* thwust. 
HOSTESS. N-Nyo, n-nyow I nyeithew; I'ww be at youw ewbow. 
FANG. *looks at you* An I xDD but fist him once; an *leans over* 'a come xDD but within my vice! 
HOSTESS. I am undonye ^w^ by his going; I wawwant y-you, he's an 
infinyitive thing upon my scowe. Good Mastew Fang, howd him suwe. 
Good Mastew Snyawe, wet him nyot scape. 'A c-comes continyuantwy to 
Pie-cownyew- saving youw manhoods- to b-buy a saddwe; and he is 
indited to dinnyew to the L-Wubbew's Head in L-Wumbewt ;;w;; Stweet, to 
Mastew Smooth's the siwkman. I pway y-you, s-since my >w< exion is 
e-ent'wed, and my *screams* case so openwy *teleports behind you* knyown to the wowwd, wet him be 
>w< bwought in to his answew. A hundwed mawk is a wong onye fow a poow 
wonye woman to UwU beaw; and I have b-bownye, and b-bownye, and bownye; and 
have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, fwom this 
day to *sweats* that day, *sweats* that *moans* it is a shame to be thought on. *cries* Thewe is nyo 
xDD honyesty in such deawing; *hugs tightly* unwess a woman shouwd be made an ass and 
a beast, to beaw evewy knyave's wwong. 

Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, PAGE, and *screams* BAWDOWPH 

Yondew he comes; and *sweats* that awwant mawmsey-nyose knyave, Bawdowph, 
*pokes you* with him. Do youw offices, do youw offices, Mastew Fang and 
Mastew Snyawe; do me, do me, do me youw offices. 
FAWSTAFF. H-How nyow! :33 whose mawe's d-dead? What's the m-mattew? 
FANG. Siw John, I awwest you at the suit of Mistwess Quickwy. 
FAWSTAFF. ^w^ Away, vawwets! *screams* Dwaw, Bawdowph. Cut me off the viwwian's 
h-head. Thwow the quean in the channyew. 
HOSTESS. Thwow me in the channyew! I'ww thwow thee in the channyew. 
Wiwt thou? wiwt thou? thou bastawdwy *screams* wogue! Muwdew, muwdew! Ah, 
thou honyeysuckwe viwwain! wiwt thou kiww God's *looks at you* officews and the 
*hugs tightly* King's? Ah, thou honyey-seed *screams* wogue! thou awt a honyey-seed; a 
man-quewwew and a w-woman-quewwew. 
FAWSTAFF. Keep them off, Bawdowph. 
FANG. A wescue! a wescue! 
HOSTESS. Good peopwe, b-bwing a wescue *blushes* ow two. *moans* Thou wot, wot thou! 
thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou *screams* wogue! do, thou hemp-seed! 
PAGE. ^w^ Away, you scuwwion! you wampawwian! you fustiwawian! 
I'ww tickwe youw catastwophe. 

Entew the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men 

CHIEF JUSTICE. What is the m-mattew? Keep the peace hewe, ho! 
HOSTESS. Good my wowd, be good to me. I beseech y-you, *looks at you* stand to me. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. H-How nyow, Siw John! what, awe you bwawwing hewe? 
Doth this become youw pwace, youw time, and b-businyess? 
Y-You shouwd have been weww *teleports behind you* on youw way to Yowk. 
Stand fwom him, fewwow; whewefowe hang'st thou upon him? 
HOSTESS. O My most wowshipfuw wowd, an't pwease youw Gwace, I am a 
poow widow of Eastcheap, and he is awwested at my suit. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. F-Fow w-what sum? 
HOSTESS. It is mowe than fow some, my wowd; *moans* it is fow aww- aww I 
have. He hath eaten me out of h-house and home; he hath p-put aww my 
substance into *sweats* that fat bewwy of his. But I wiww have *blushes* some of *moans* it 
out again, *blushes* ow I wiww wide thee a nyights wike a mawe. 
FAWSTAFF. I think I am as wike to wide the mawe, if I have any 
vantage of gwound to get up. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. H-How c-comes t-this, Siw *sighs* John? OwO Fie! What man of good 
tempew ^.^ wouwd e-enduwe this *cries* tempest of excwamation? Awe you nyot 
ashamed to enfowce a poow widow to so wough a *blushes* couwse to come ^w^ by 
h-hew :33 own? 
FAWSTAFF. What is the gwoss sum *sweats* that I owe *moans* thee? 
HOSTESS. Mawwy, if thou wewt an honyest m-man, thysewf and the monyey 
too. *moans* Thou didst sweaw to me upon a *sighs* pawcew-giwt g-gobwet, sitting in 
my Dowphin chambew, at the wound tabwe, ^w^ by a >w< sea-coaw fiwe, upon 
Wednyesday in Wheeson week, when the Pwince b-bwoke t-thy *sweats* head fow 
wiking his fathew to singing-man of Windsow- thou didst sweaw to 
me then, as I was washing t-thy wound, to mawwy me and make me my 
wady t-thy wife. C-Canst thou deny it? *sweats* Did nyot goodwife UwU Keech, the 
butchew's wife, come in then and *giggles shyly* caww me gossip Quickwy? C-Coming 
in to bowwow a mess of vinyegaw, tewwing us she h-had a good >_< dish of 
pwawns, wheweby thou didst desiwe to *cries* eat some, wheweby I towd 
thee they wewe iww fow gween wound? And didst thou nyot, when she 
was g-gonye down staiws, desiwe me to be nyo mowe so famiwiawity *pokes you* with 
such poow peopwe, >w< saying *sweats* that ewe wong they shouwd *giggles shyly* caww me madam? 
And didst thou nyot kiss me, and bid me fetch the thiwty 
shiwwings? I p-put thee n-nyow to t-thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou 
c-canst. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, this is a poow mad souw, and she says up and 
down the town *sweats* that h-hew *moans* ewdest son is wike you. She hath been in 
good case, and, the uWu twuth *screams* is, povewty hath distwacted hew. But 
fow these foowish *cries* officews, I beseech you I may have wedwess 
against them. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John, Siw John, I am weww acquainted *pokes you* with youw 
mannyew of wwenching the twue c-cause the f-fawse way. It is nyot a 
c-confident bwow, n-nyow the x3 thwong of wowds *sweats* that come *pokes you* with such mowe 
than impudent saucinyess fwom y-you, can thwust me fwom a wevew 
considewation. Y-You h-have, as *moans* it a-appeaws to me, pwactis'd upon the 
e-easy yiewding spiwit of this woman, and made h-hew sewve youw *looks away* uses 
b-both in puwse and in p-pewson. 
HOSTESS. Yea, in twuth, my l-wowd. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, *teleports behind you* peace. P-Pay h-hew the debt you owe hew, and 
unpay the viwwainy you have donye *pokes you* with hew; the onye you may do 
*pokes you* with stewwing monyey, and the othew *pokes you* with cuwwent wepentance. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I wiww nyot undewgo this snyeap without >_< wepwy. Y-You 
*giggles shyly* caww honyouwabwe bowdnyess impudent saucinyess; if a man wiww make 
cuwtsy and say nyothing, he is viwtuous. N-Nyo, my wowd, my humbwe 
duty wememb'wed, I wiww nyot be youw suitow. I say to you I do 
desiwe dewivewance fwom these *cries* officews, being upon h-hasty 
empwoyment in the K-King's *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Y-You speak as having *cries* powew to do wwong; xDD but *sighs* answew in 
th' effect of youw weputation, and satisfy the poow woman. 
FAWSTAFF. Come h-hithew, hostess. 

Entew GOWEW 

CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyow, Mastew Gowew, w-what nyews? 
GOWEW. The King, my wowd, and Hawwy Pwince of W-Wawes 
Awe nyeaw at hand. The west the papew tewws. [Gives a wettew] 
FAWSTAFF. As I am a gentweman! 
HOSTESS. Faith, you s-said so befowe. 
FAWSTAFF. As I am a gentweman! Come, nyo mowe wowds of it. 
HOSTESS. By this heavenwy gwound I twead on, I must be fain to p-pawn 
b-both my *looks away* pwate and the t-tapestwy of my *looks away* dinying-chambews. 
FAWSTAFF. Gwasses, g-gwasses, is the onwy dwinking; and fow t-thy 
wawws, a pwetty s-swight ;;w;; dwowwewy, *blushes* ow the *leans over* stowy of the Pwodigaw, *blushes* ow 
the Gewman hunting, in watew-wowk, is wowth a thousand of these 
bed-hangews and these fwy-bitten tapestwies. Wet *moans* it be ten pound, 
if thou c-canst. Come, and 'twewe nyot fow t-thy humouws, thewe's nyot 
a bettew wench in Engwand. Go, wash t-thy face, and dwaw the 
action. Come, thou must nyot be in this humouw *pokes you* with me; dost nyot 
knyow me? Come, come, I knyow thou wast set *teleports behind you* on to this. 
HOSTESS. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, Siw John, wet *moans* it be xDD but twenty nyobwes; 
i-i' faith, I am woath to p-pawn my pwate, so OwO God uWu save me, ^.^ wa! 
FAWSTAFF. Wet *moans* it OwO awonye; I'ww make othew *looks at you* shift. You'ww be a foow 
stiww. 
HOSTESS. *sighs* Weww, you shaww have it, *sighs* though I p-pawn my gown. 
I hope y-you'ww come to suppew. y-you'ww p-pay me aww ^w^ togethew? 
FAWSTAFF. Wiww I wive? [To BAWDOWPH] Go, *pokes you* with hew, *pokes you* with hew; hook 
on, hook on. 
HOSTESS. Wiww you have Doww T-Teawsheet meet you at suppew? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo mowe wowds; wet's have hew. 
UwU Exeunt H-HOSTESS, B-BAWDOWPH, and OFFICEWS 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I have h-heawd bettew n-nyews. 
FAWSTAFF. What's the nyews, my wowd? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Whewe *looks at you* way the King to-nyight? 
GOWEW. At *pokes you* Basingstoke, my l-wowd. 
FAWSTAFF. I hope, my wowd, aww's weww. What is the nyews, my wowd? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Come aww his f-fowces back? 
GOWEW. Nyo; fifteen hundwed foot, five hundwed howse, 
Awe ;;w;; mawch'd up to my Wowd of Wancastew, 
Against Nyowthumbewwand and the Awchbishop. 
FAWSTAFF. Comes the King back fwom Wawes, my nyobwe wowd? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Y-You shaww have wettews of me pwesentwy. 
Come, go awong *pokes you* with me, good Mastew Gowew. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd! 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's the m-mattew? 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Gowew, shaww I entweat you *pokes you* with me to dinnyew? 
GOWEW. I must *pokes you* wait upon my good *hugs tightly* wowd hewe, I t-thank y-you, good Siw 
John. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Siw John, you woitew x3 hewe too wong, being you awe to 
take sowdiews up in counties as you go. 
FAWSTAFF. Wiww you sup *pokes you* with me, Mastew Gowew? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. What foowish mastew taught you these mannyews, Siw 
*sighs* John? 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Gowew, if they become me nyot, he was a foow *sweats* that 
taught them me. This is the wight fencing gwace, my wowd; tap fow 
tap, and so *cries* pawt >w< faiw. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Nyow, the Wowd >_> wighten thee! *moans* Thou awt a gweat foow. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wondon. Anyothew UwU stweet 

Entew PWINCE HENWY and P-POINS 

PWINCE. B-Befowe >_< God, I am exceeding weawy. 
POINS. Is't come to that? I h-had thought weawinyess d-duwst nyot have 
*sweats* attach'd onye of so ^.^ high bwood. 
PWINCE. Faith, *moans* it does me; *sighs* though *moans* it discowouws the compwexion of 
my *notices bulge* gweatnyess to acknyowwedge it. Doth *moans* it nyot show viwewy in me to 
desiwe smaww beew? 
POINS. W-Why, a pwince shouwd nyot be so woosewy studied as to 
wemembew so weak a composition. 
PWINCE. Bewike then my appetite was nyot-pwincewy x3 got; *notices bulge* fow, ^w^ by my 
twoth, I do n-nyow wemembew the poow cweatuwe, smaww beew. But 
indeed these humbwe *twerks* considewations make me out of wove *pokes you* with my 
gweatnyess. What a *looks away* disgwace is *moans* it to me to wemembew t-thy nyame, *blushes* ow 
to knyow t-thy *cuddles you* face to-mowwow, *blushes* ow to take *pokes you* nyote how many paiw of siwk 
stockings thou hast- v-viz., these, and those *sweats* that wewe t-thy 
peach-cowouw'd onyes- *blushes* ow to beaw the inventowy of t-thy shiwts- as, 
onye fow supewfwuity, and anyothew fow use! But *sweats* that the 
tennyis-couwt-keepew *looks away* knyows bettew than I; fow *moans* it is a OwO wow ebb of 
winyen *pokes you* with thee when thou *looks at you* keepest nyot wacket t-thewe; as thou hast 
nyot donye a gweat w-whiwe, because the west of t-thy OwO wow countwies 
have made a UwU shift to *cries* eat up t-thy howwand. And OwO God *looks away* knyows whethew 
those *sweats* that baww out of the wuins of t-thy winyen shaww inhewit his 
kingdom; xDD but the midwives say the chiwdwen awe nyot in the fauwt; 
wheweupon the wowwd incweases, and k-kindweds awe *cries* mightiwy 
^.^ stwengthenyed. 
POINS. H-How iww *moans* it fowwows, aftew you have wabouwed so hawd, you 
shouwd tawk so idwy! Teww me, how many good young pwinces ^.^ wouwd 
do so, t-theiw f-fathews being so sick as youws at this time >_> is? 
PWINCE. Shaww I teww thee onye thing, Poins? 
POINS. Yes, OwO faith; and wet *moans* it be an excewwent good thing. 
PWINCE. It shaww sewve among ^-^ wits of nyo highew bweeding than thinye. 
POINS. Go uWu to; I *looks at you* stand the OwO push of youw onye thing *sweats* that you wiww 
teww. 
PWINCE. Mawwy, I teww thee *moans* it is nyot meet *sweats* that I shouwd be s-sad, n-nyow 
my fathew is sick; awbeit I couwd teww to thee- as to onye *moans* it 
pweases me, fow fauwt of a *blushes* bettew, to *giggles shyly* caww my fwiend- I couwd be 
sad and sad indeed too. 
POINS. Vewy hawdwy upon such a :3 subject. 
PWINCE. By this hand, thou thinkest me as faw in the d-deviw's book 
as thou and Fawstaff fow obduwacy and UwU pewsistency: wet the end 
t-twy the *pokes you* man. But I teww thee my heawt bweeds inwawdwy *sweats* that my 
fathew is so sick; and keeping such viwe company as thou awt hath 
in weason taken fwom me aww ostentation of sowwow. 
POINS. The weason? 
PWINCE. What wouwdst thou think of me if I shouwd weep? 
POINS. I ^.^ wouwd think thee a most pwincewy hypocwite. 
PWINCE. It ^.^ wouwd be evewy man's *sweats* thought; and thou awt a bwessed 
fewwow to think as evewy man thinks. Nyevew a man's thought in the 
wowwd keeps the woad-way bettew than thinye. Evewy man ^.^ wouwd think 
me an *looks away* hypocwite indeed. And w-what accites youw most wowshipfuw 
thought to think *moans* so? 
POINS. W-Why, because you have been so wewd and so much engwaffed to 
Fawstaff. 
PWINCE. And to thee. 
POINS. By this >w< wight, I am weww s-spoke on; I can heaw *moans* it *pokes you* with minye 
own eaws. The *sweats* wowst *sweats* that they can say of me is *sweats* that I am a second 
b-bwothew and *sweats* that I am a pwopew fewwow of my hands; and those xDD two 
things, I confess, I cannyot hewp. By the mass, x3 hewe c-comes 
Bawdowph. 

Entew *screams* BAWDOWPH and P-PAGE 

PWINCE. And the *cries* boy *sweats* that I gave Fawstaff. 'A h-had him fwom me 
Chwistian; and wook if the fat viwwain have nyot *moans* twansfowm'd him 
ape. 
BAWDOWPH. OwO God uWu save youw Gwace! 
PWINCE. And youws, most nyobwe Bawdowph! 
POINS. Come, you viwtuous ass, you UwU bashfuw foow, must you be 
b-bwushing? Whewefowe bwush you nyow? What a *looks away* maidenwy man-at-awms 
awe you become! Is't such a mattew to get a *hugs tightly* pottwe-pot's 
maidenhead? 
PAGE. 'A cawws me e'en nyow, my wowd, uWu thwough a wed wattice, and I 
couwd discewn nyo *cries* pawt of his *cuddles you* face fwom the window. At wast I 
spied his eyes; and methought he h-had made xDD two *screams* howes in the 
awewife's nyew petticoat, and so x3 peep'd thwough. 
PWINCE. Has nyot the *cries* boy pwofited? 
BAWDOWPH. ^w^ Away, you whoweson upwight wabbit, *shuffles closer* away! 
PAGE. ^w^ Away, you r-wascawwy Awthaea's dweam, *shuffles closer* away! 
PWINCE. Instwuct us, b-boy; w-what dweam, boy? 
PAGE. Mawwy, my wowd, Awthaea dweamt she was d-dewivewed of a 
fiwebwand; and thewefowe I *giggles shyly* caww him h-hew dweam. 
PWINCE. A cwown's wowth of good intewpwetation. *cries* Thewe *cuddles you* 'tis, boy. 
[Giving a cwown] 
POINS. O *sweats* that this bwossom couwd be kept fwom cankews! 
*sighs* Weww, thewe is sixpence to pwesewve thee. 
BAWDOWPH. *looks at you* An you do nyot make him be hang'd among y-you, the g-gawwows 
shaww have wwong. 
PWINCE. And how doth t-thy mastew, Bawdowph? 
BAWDOWPH. *sighs* Weww, my l-wowd. He h-heawd of youw G-Gwace's coming to town. 
>_> Thewe's a wettew fow you. 
POINS. Dewivew'd *pokes you* with good wespect. And how doth the mawtwemas, 
youw mastew? 
BAWDOWPH. In bodiwy heawth, siw. 
POINS. Mawwy, the *moans* immowtaw *cries* pawt ;;w;; nyeeds a p-physician; xDD but *sweats* that moves 
nyot him. Though *sweats* that be sick, *moans* it dies nyot. 
PWINCE. I do awwow this weww to be as f-famiwiaw *pokes you* with me as my dog; 
and he howds his pwace, fow wook you how he wwites. 
POINS. [Weads] 'John Fawstaff, knyight'- Evewy man must knyow *sweats* that 
as oft as he has occasion to nyame ^.^ himsewf, even wike those *sweats* that 
awe kin to the K-King; fow they nyevew pwick t-theiw fingew xDD but they 
say 'Thewe's *blushes* some of the K-King's b-bwood spiwt.' 'How c-comes that?' 
says he *sweats* that takes upon him nyot to conceive. The *sighs* answew is as 
r-weady as a UwU bowwowew's ;;w;; cap: *sighs* 'I am the K-King's poow cousin, siw.' 
PWINCE. Nyay, they wiww be kin to us, *blushes* ow they wiww fetch *moans* it fwom 
Japhet. But the *sighs* wettew: [Weads] 'Siw John Fawstaff, knyight, to 
the son of the King nyeawest his fathew, Hawwy Pwince of Wawes, 
gweeting.' 
POINS. W-Why, this is a cewtificate. 
PWINCE. Peace! [Weads] *sighs* 'I wiww *cries* imitate the honyouwabwe Womans in 
bwevity.'- 
POINS. He suwe means bwevity in bweath, showt-winded. 
PWINCE. [Weads] *sighs* 'I commend me to ^w^ thee, I commend ^w^ thee, and I 
weave thee. Be nyot too f-famiwiaw *pokes you* with Poins; fow he m-misuses t-thy 
favouws so much *sweats* that he sweaws thou awt to mawwy his sistew Nyeww. 
Wepent at idwe times as thou mayst, and so faweweww. 
T-Thinye, ^w^ by yea and nyo- which is as much as to say as 
thou usest him- JACK FAWSTAFF *pokes you* with my famiwiaws, 
JOHN *pokes you* with my bwothews and *pokes you* sistews, and SIW JOHN *pokes you* with 
aww Euwope.' 
POINS. My wowd, I'ww steep this wettew in sack and make him *cries* eat it. 
PWINCE. That's to make him *cries* eat twenty of his wowds. But do you use 
me :3 thus, Nyed? M-Must I mawwy youw sistew? 
POINS. OwO God send the wench nyo wowse f-fowtunye! But I nyevew s-said so. 
PWINCE. *sighs* Weww, t-thus we pway the foows *pokes you* with the time, and the spiwits 
of the w-wise sit in the cwouds and mock us. *looks at you* Is youw mastew x3 hewe in 
Wondon? 
BAWDOWPH. Yea, my l-wowd. 
PWINCE. Whewe sups *sighs* he? Doth the owd *hugs tightly* boaw feed in the owd fwank? 
BAWDOWPH. At the owd pwace, my wowd, in Eastcheap. 
PWINCE. What company? 
PAGE. E-Ephesians, my wowd, of the owd chuwch. 
PWINCE. Sup any women *pokes you* with him? 
PAGE. Nyonye, my wowd, xDD but owd Mistwess Quickwy and Mistwess Doww 
T-Teawsheet. 
PWINCE. What pagan may *sweats* that b-be? 
PAGE. A pwopew gentwewoman, siw, and a kinswoman of my m-mastew's. 
PWINCE. Even such kin as the p-pawish heifews awe to the town buww. 
Shaww we s-steaw upon them, Nyed, at suppew? 
POINS. I am youw shadow, my wowd; I'ww f-fowwow you. 
PWINCE. S-Siwwah, you boy, and Bawdowph, nyo wowd to youw mastew *sweats* that 
I am yet come to town. >_> Thewe's fow youw x3 siwence. 
BAWDOWPH. I have nyo t-tongue, siw. 
PAGE. And fow minye, siw, I wiww govewn it. 
PWINCE. Fawe you weww; go. UwU Exeunt *screams* BAWDOWPH and P-PAGE 
This Doww T-Teawsheet shouwd be *blushes* some woad. 
POINS. I wawwant y-you, as common as the way between Saint Awbans and 
Wondon. 
PWINCE. H-How might we see Fawstaff bestow himsewf to-nyight in his 
twue cowouws, and nyot ouwsewves be s-seen? 
POINS. *looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on xDD two l-weathewn jewkins and apwons, and *pokes you* wait upon him at 
his tabwe as *pokes you* dwawews. 
PWINCE. Fwom a *cries* god to a buww? A heavy >w< descension! It was Jove's 
case. Fwom a pwince to a pwentice? A OwO wow twansfowmation! *teleports behind you* That 
shaww be minye; fow in evewything the puwpose must weigh *pokes you* with the 
*sighs* fowwy. Fowwow me, Nyed. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
:3 Wawkwowth. B-Befowe the castwe 

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, and WADY PEWCY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I pway ^w^ thee, ^.^ woving wife, and g-gentwe daughtew, 
Give even way unto my wough affaiws; 
*looks at you* Put nyot you *teleports behind you* on the *shuffles closer* visage of the times 
And be, wike them, to P-Pewcy twoubwesome. 
WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. I have given ovew, I wiww speak nyo mowe. 
Do w-what you wiww; youw wisdom be youw *leans over* guide. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. A-Awas, sweet wife, my honyouw is at pawn; 
And xDD but my g-going nyothing can wedeem it. 
WADY PEWCY. O, yet, fow God's sake, go nyot to these waws! 
The time was, fathew, *sweats* that you b-bwoke youw wowd, 
When you wewe mowe endeaw'd to *moans* it than x3 nyow; 
When youw own :3 Pewcy, when my heawt's deaw Hawwy, 
Thwew many a nyowthwawd wook to see his fathew 
Bwing up his powews; xDD but he did wong in vain. 
Who then p-pewsuaded you to >_< stay at home? 
*cries* Thewe wewe xDD two honyouws l-wost, youws and youw s-son's. 
F-Fow youws, the OwO God of heaven bwighten it! 
F-Fow his, *moans* it stuck upon him as the *moans* sun 
In the gwey vauwt of heaven; and ^w^ by his wight 
*sweats* Did aww the chivawwy of Engwand move 
To do bwave acts. He was indeed the gwass 
Whewein the nyobwe youth did dwess themsewves. 
He h-had nyo wegs *sweats* that pwactis'd nyot his gait; 
And speaking thick, which nyatuwe made his bwemish, 
Became the accents of the *twerks* vawiant; 
F-Fow those w-who couwd speak OwO wow and tawdiwy 
Wouwd tuwn t-theiw own pewfection to abuse 
To seem wike him: so *sweats* that in speech, in gait, 
In diet, in affections of dewight, 
In miwitawy wuwes, humouws of b-bwood, 
He was the mawk and gwass, copy and book, 
*teleports behind you* That fashion'd o-othews. And him- O *cuddles you* wondwous him! 
O miwacwe of men!- him did you *notices bulge* weave- 
Second to nyonye, uWu unseconded ^w^ by you- 
To wook upon the hideous *cries* god of waw 
In disadvantage, to abide a fiewd 
Whewe nyothing xDD but the s-sound of Hotspuw's nyame 
*sweats* Did seem *sighs* defensibwe. So you >w< weft him. 
Nyevew, O nyevew, do his ghost the wwong 
To howd youw honyouw mowe pwecise and nyice 
With o-othews than *pokes you* with him! Wet them awonye. 
The Mawshaw and the A-Awchbishop awe *screams* stwong. 
Had my sweet Hawwy h-had xDD but h-hawf t-theiw nyumbews, 
To-day might I, hanging *teleports behind you* on Hotspuw's nyeck, 
Have tawk'd of *cuddles you* Monmouth's gwave. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Beshwew youw h-heawt, 
>_< Faiw daughtew, you do dwaw my spiwits fwom me 
With nyew wamenting *cries* ancient *giggles shyly* ovewsights. 
But I must go and meet *pokes you* with d-dangew thewe, 
Ow *moans* it wiww seek me in anyothew pwace, 
And find me wowse pwovided. 
WADY NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. O, f-fwy to Scotwand 
Tiww *sweats* that the ^w^ nyobwes and the awmed commons 
Have of t-theiw puissance made a wittwe taste. 
WADY PEWCY. If they get gwound and vantage of the King, 
T-Then join you *pokes you* with them, wike a r-wib of steew, 
To make stwength stwongew; but, fow aww o-ouw woves, 
Fiwst wet them t-twy themsewves. So did youw son; 
He was so suff'wed; so came I a widow; 
And nyevew shaww have wength of wife enyough 
To wain upon wemembwance *pokes you* with minye e-eyes, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it may gwow and spwout as ^.^ high as heaven, 
F-Fow wecowdation to my nyobwe husband. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Come, come, go in *pokes you* with me. 'Tis *pokes you* with my mind 
As *pokes you* with the tide sweww'd up unto his height, 
*teleports behind you* That makes a stiww-stand, wunnying nyeithew way. 
Fain ^.^ wouwd I go to meet the *sighs* Awchbishop, 
But many thousand weasons howd me back. 
I wiww wesowve fow Scotwand. *cries* Thewe am I, 
Tiww time and vantage c-cwave my company. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. The Boaw's Head Tavewn in Eastcheap 

Entew FWANCIS and anyothew DWAWEW 

FWANCIS. What the deviw hast thou >w< bwought thewe-appwe-johns? *moans* Thou 
knyowest Siw John cannyot e-enduwe an appwe-john. 
SECOND DWAWEW. Mass, thou say'st twue. The Pwince once set a >_< dish 
of appwe-johns befowe him, and towd him thewe wewe five mowe Siw 
Johns; and, p-putting off his *moans* hat, s-said *sighs* 'I wiww n-nyow take my weave 
of these ^-^ six d-dwy, wound, owd, withewed knyights.' It ang'wed him 
to the heawt; xDD but he hath fowgot that. 
FWANCIS. W-Why, then, covew and set them down; and see if thou ;;w;; canst 
find out uWu Snyeak's nyoise; Mistwess T-Teawsheet ^.^ wouwd fain heaw *blushes* some 
music. 

Entew thiwd DWAWEW 

T-THIWD DWAWEW. *moans* Dispatch! The woom whewe they supp'd is too hot; 
they'ww come in stwaight. 
FWANCIS. S-Siwwah, x3 hewe wiww be the Pwince and Mastew Poins anyon; and 
they wiww p-put *teleports behind you* on xDD two of o-ouw jewkins and apwons; and Siw John must 
nyot knyow of it. Bawdowph hath >w< bwought wowd. 
T-THIWD DWAWEW. By the mass, x3 hewe wiww be owd uds; *moans* it wiww be an 
excewwent stwatagem. 
SECOND DWAWEW. I'ww see if I can find out Snyeak. 
UwU Exeunt second and thiwd DWAWEWS 

Entew HOSTESS and DOWW TEAWSHEET 

HOSTESS. I' faith, sweetheawt, methinks n-nyow you awe in an excewwent 
good tempewawity. Youw puwsidge beats as extwaowdinyawiwy as heawt 
^.^ wouwd desiwe; and youw >_> cowouw, I wawwant y-you, is as wed as any 
wose, in good twuth, ^.^ wa! But, i-i' faith, you have dwunk too much 
canyawies; and that's a mawvewwous seawching *leans over* winye, and *moans* it pewfumes 
the b-bwood ewe onye can say 'What's this?' H-How do you nyow? 
DOWW. Bettew than I was- hem. 
HOSTESS. W-Why, that's weww said; a good heawt's wowth gowd. 
*looks away* Wo, x3 hewe c-comes Siw John. 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. [-[Singing] 'When Awthuw f-fiwst in c-couwt'- Empty the 
jowdan. [Exit FWANCIS]- [-[Singing] 'And was a wowthy king'- H-How 
nyow, Mistwess Doww! 
HOSTESS. S-Sick of a *notices bulge* cawm; y-yea, good faith. 
FAWSTAFF. So is aww h-hew sect; and they be once in a cawm, they awe 
sick. 
DOWW. A p-pox damn y-you, you muddy wascaw! *looks at you* Is *sweats* that aww the comfowt you 
give me? 
FAWSTAFF. Y-You make fat wascaws, Mistwess Doww. 
DOWW. I make them! Gwuttony and diseases make them: I make them 
nyot. 
FAWSTAFF. If the c-cook hewp to make the *looks at you* gwuttony, you hewp to make 
the d-diseases, Doww. We c-catch of y-you, Doww, we c-catch of you; gwant 
that, my poow viwtue, gwant that. 
DOWW. Yea, joy, o-ouw chains and o-ouw jewews. 
FAWSTAFF. :3 'Youw bwooches, peawws, and ouches.' F-Fow to sewve bwavewy 
is to come hawting off; you knyow, to come off the >w< bweach *pokes you* with his 
pike bent bwavewy, and to suwgewy bwavewy; to ventuwe upon the 
c-chawg'd chambews UwU bwavewy- 
DOWW. Hang youwsewf, you muddy congew, hang youwsewf! 
HOSTESS. By my twoth, this is the owd fashion; you xDD two nyevew meet 
xDD but you faww to *blushes* some *hugs tightly* discowd. Y-You awe both, i-i' good twuth, as 
wheumatic as xDD two dwy toasts; you cannyot onye beaw *pokes you* with anyothew's 
confiwmities. What the good-yeaw! onye must *looks away* beaw, and *sweats* that must be 
you. Y-You awe the weakew vessew, as as they say, the *cuddles you* emptiew 
vessew. 
DOWW. C-Can a weak empty vessew beaw such a huge fuww hogs-head? 
>_> Thewe's a whowe mewchant's ventuwe of Bouwdeaux s-stuff in :3 him; you 
have nyot :33 seen a huwk bettew stuff'd in the howd. Come, I'ww be 
fwiends *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, Jack. *moans* Thou awt g-going to the waws; and whethew 
I shaww *giggles shyly* evew see thee ;;w;; again *blushes* ow nyo, thewe is nyobody cawes. 

We-entew FWANCIS 

FWANCIS. Siw, Ancient Pistow's bewow and ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
DOWW. Hang him, swaggewing wascaw! Wet him nyot come hithew; *moans* it is 
the fouw-mouth'dst wogue in Engwand. 
HOSTESS. If he swaggew, wet him nyot come hewe. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my faith! I 
must wive among my nyeighbouws; I'ww nyo swaggewews. I am in good 
nyame and fame *pokes you* with the vewy best. S-Shut the doow. *cries* Thewe c-comes nyo 
swaggewews h-hewe; I have nyot wiv'd aww this whiwe to have 
swaggewing nyow. S-Shut the doow, I pway you. 
FAWSTAFF. Dost thou heaw, hostess? 
HOSTESS. *twerks* Pway y-ye, p-pacify youwsewf, Siw John; thewe c-comes nyo 
swaggewews hewe. 
FAWSTAFF. Dost thou heaw? It is minye ancient. 
HOSTESS. Tiwwy-fawwy, Siw John, nye'ew teww me; and youw *cries* ancient 
swagg'wew c-comes nyot in my *shuffles closer* doows. I was befowe Mastew Tisick, the 
d-debuty, t' othew day; and, as he s-said to me- '-'twas nyo *teleports behind you* wongew ago 
than Wednyesday wast, i-i' good faith!- 'Nyeighbouw Quickwy,' says 
UwU he- Mastew D-Dumbe, o-ouw minyistew, was ^w^ by then- 'Nyeighbouw Quickwy,' 
says he '-'weceive those *sweats* that awe civiw, fow' s-said he 'you awe in 
an iww nyame.' >_> Nyow *leans over* 'a s-said so, I can teww wheweupon. uWu 'Fow' says he 
'you awe an honyest woman and weww thought on, thewefowe take heed 
w-what guests you :3 weceive. >_< Weceive' says he *cries* 'nyo swaggewing 
companyions.' *cries* Thewe c-comes nyonye hewe. Y-You ^.^ wouwd bwess you to heaw 
w-what he said. N-Nyo, I'ww nyo swagg'wews. 
FAWSTAFF. He's nyo s-swagg'wew, hostess; a tame cheatew, i-i' OwO faith; you 
may stwoke him as gentwy as a puppy gweyhound. He'ww nyot swaggew 
*pokes you* with a Bawbawy hen, if h-hew feathews tuwn back in any show of 
wesistance. Caww him up, d-dwawew. 
Exit FWANCIS 
HOSTESS. Cheatew, *giggles shyly* caww you him? I wiww *giggles shyly* baw nyo honyest man my *notices bulge* house, 
n-nyow nyo cheatew; xDD but I do nyot wove swaggewing, ^w^ by my twoth. I am 
the wowse when onye says 'swaggew.' Feew, *looks away* mastews, how I shake; 
wook y-you, I wawwant you. 
DOWW. So you do, hostess. 
HOSTESS. Do I? Yea, in vewy twuth, do I, an 'twewe an aspen ^w^ weaf. I 
cannyot abide swagg'wews. 

Entew *cuddles you* PISTOW, B-BAWDOWPH, and P-PAGE 

PISTOW. OwO God uWu save y-you, Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. Wewcome, Ancient Pistow. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Pistow, I chawge you *pokes you* with 
a cup of s-sack; do you dischawge upon minye hostess. 
PISTOW. I wiww dischawge upon hew, Siw John, *pokes you* with xDD two buwwets. 
FAWSTAFF. She is pistow-pwoof, siw; you shaww nyot hawdwy offend 
hew. 
HOSTESS. Come, I'ww ^-^ dwink nyo p-pwoofs n-nyow nyo buwwets. I'ww ^-^ dwink nyo 
mowe than wiww do me ^-^ good, fow nyo man's pweasuwe, I. 
PISTOW. T-Then to y-you, Mistwess Dowothy; I wiww chawge you. 
DOWW. Chawge me! I s-scown y-you, scuwvy companyion. *pokes you* What! you poow, 
base, wascawwy, cheating, wack-winyen mate! ^w^ Away, you mouwdy 
wogue, *shuffles closer* away! I am meat fow youw :33 mastew. 
PISTOW. I knyow y-you, Mistwess Dowothy. 
DOWW. ^w^ Away, you cut-puwse wascaw! you fiwthy *pokes you* bung, *shuffles closer* away! By this 
*leans over* winye, I'ww thwust my k-knyife in youw mouwdy chaps, an you pway the 
saucy cuttwe *pokes you* with me. ^w^ Away, you bottwe-awe wascaw! you 
basket-hiwt stawe juggwew, y-you! Since when, I pway y-you, s-siw? 
God's >w< wight, *pokes you* with xDD two points *teleports behind you* on youw shouwdew? Much! 
PISTOW. OwO God wet me nyot wive xDD but I wiww muwdew youw wuff fow this. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo mowe, Pistow; I ^.^ wouwd nyot have you go off hewe. 
Dischawge youwsewf of o-ouw company, Pistow. 
HOSTESS. N-Nyo, good Captain Pistow; nyot hewe, sweet c-captain. 
DOWW. Captain! *moans* Thou abominyabwe d-damn'd cheatew, awt thou nyot ashamed 
to be c-cawwed captain? *looks at you* An captains wewe of my *leans over* mind, they ^.^ wouwd 
twuncheon you *pokes you* out, fow taking t-theiw nyames upon you befowe you 
have eawn'd them. Y-You a captain! you swave, fow *cuddles you* what? F-Fow *sighs* teawing 
a poow whowe's wuff in a b-bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, 
*screams* wogue! He wives upon mouwdy stew'd pwunyes and d-dwied *sighs* cakes. A 
captain! God's >w< wight, these viwwains wiww make the wowd as odious 
as the wowd 'occupy'; which was an excewwent good wowd befowe *moans* it 
was iww s-sowted. Thewefowe captains h-had nyeed wook to't. 
BAWDOWPH. *twerks* Pway thee go *giggles shyly* down, good ancient. 
FAWSTAFF. Hawk thee h-hithew, Mistwess Doww. 
PISTOW. Nyot I! I teww thee what, Cowpowaw Bawdowph, I couwd teaw 
hew; I'ww be *sighs* weveng'd of hew. 
PAGE. *twerks* Pway thee go :33 down. 
PISTOW. I'ww see h-hew d-damn'd fiwst; to Pwuto's d-damn'd wake, ^w^ by this 
hand, to th' infewnyaw deep, *pokes you* with *cuddles you* Ewebus and towtuwes viwe *teleports behind you* awso. 
H-Howd hook and winye, say I. Down, *giggles shyly* down, d-dogs! *giggles shyly* down, faitows! Have 
we nyot Hiwen hewe? 
HOSTESS. Good Captain Peesew, be quiet; 'tis vewy wate, i-i' OwO faith; I 
:33 beseek you nyow, aggwavate youw chowew. 
PISTOW. These be good humouws, indeed! Shaww packhowses, 
And howwow >w< pampew'd jades of Asia, 
Which cannyot go xDD but thiwty miwe a day, 
C-Compawe *pokes you* with Caesaws, and *pokes you* with Cannyibaws, 
And *moans* Twoiant Gweeks? Nyay, wathew damn them *pokes you* with 
King C-Cewbewus; and wet the wewkin woaw. 
Shaww we faww f-fouw fow toys? 
HOSTESS. By my twoth, *pokes you* Captain, these awe vewy bittew wowds. 
BAWDOWPH. Be :3 gonye, good ancient; this wiww gwow to a >_< bwaww anyon. 
PISTOW. Die men wike d-dogs! Give cwowns wike pins! Have we nyot Hiwen 
hewe? 
HOSTESS. *shuffles closer* O' my wowd, *pokes you* Captain, thewe's nyonye such hewe. What the 
good-yeaw! do you think I ^.^ wouwd deny hew? F-Fow God's sake, be 
quiet. 
PISTOW. T-Then feed and be fat, my *looks at you* faiw Cawipowis. 
Come, >w< give's *blushes* some sack. 
'Si fowtunye me t-towmente spewato me c-contento.' 
Feaw we *leans over* bwoadsides? N-Nyo, wet the fiend give fiwe. 
Give me *blushes* some s-sack; and, sweetheawt, wie thou thewe. 
[Waying down his swowd] 
Come we to fuww points hewe, and awe etcetewas nyothings? 
FAWSTAFF. Pistow, I ^.^ wouwd be quiet. 
PISTOW. Sweet knyight, I kiss t-thy nyeaf. *pokes you* What! we have :33 seen the seven 
staws. 
DOWW. F-Fow God's sake thwust him down staiws; I cannyot e-enduwe such a 
fustian wascaw. 
PISTOW. Thwust him down staiws! Knyow we nyot Gawwoway *notices bulge* nyags? 
FAWSTAFF. Quoit him *giggles shyly* down, Bawdowph, wike a shove-gwoat shiwwing. 
Nyay, an *leans over* 'a do nyothing xDD but speak nyothing, *leans over* 'a shaww be nyothing 
hewe. 
BAWDOWPH. Come, get you down staiws. 
PISTOW. *pokes you* What! shaww we have incision? Shaww we imbwue? 
[Snyatching up his swowd] 
T-Then death wock me asweep, abwidge my dowefuw days! 
W-Why, then, wet gwievous, ghastwy, gaping ^.^ wounds 
U-Untwinye the Sistews Thwee! Come, Atwopos, I say! 
HOSTESS. H-Hewe's g-goodwy s-stuff towawd! 
FAWSTAFF. Give me my wapiew, boy. 
DOWW. I pway ^w^ thee, Jack, I pway ^w^ thee, do nyot dwaw. 
FAWSTAFF. Get you down staiws. 
[Dwawing and dwiving PISTOW o-out] 
HOSTESS. H-Hewe's a g-goodwy :33 tumuwt! I'ww fowsweaw keeping h-house afowe 
I'ww be in these tiwwits and fwights. S-So; muwdew, I wawwant nyow. 
A-Awas, awas! p-put up youw nyaked weapons, p-put up youw nyaked weapons. 
UwU Exeunt PISTOW and *screams* BAWDOWPH 
DOWW. I pway ^w^ thee, Jack, be quiet; the wascaw's gonye. Ah, you 
whoweson wittwe vawiant viwwain, y-you! 
HOSTESS. Awe you nyot huwt i-i' th' OwO gwoin? Methought *leans over* 'a made a shwewd 
thwust at youw bewwy. 

We-entew *screams* BAWDOWPH 

FAWSTAFF. Have you tuwn'd him out a doows? 
BAWDOWPH. Yea, siw. The wascaw's dwunk. Y-You have huwt him, siw, i-i' 
th' shouwdew. 
FAWSTAFF. A wascaw! to bwave me! 
DOWW. Ah, you sweet wittwe wogue, y-you! A-Awas, poow :3 ape, how thou 
s-sweat'st! Come, wet me wipe t-thy face. Come on, you whoweson 
c-chops. Ah, *screams* wogue! i-i' faith, I wove thee. *moans* Thou awt as *cries* vawowous as 
Hectow of :33 Twoy, wowth five of Agamemnyon, and ten times bettew 
than the N-Nyinye Wowthies. Ah, viwwain! 
FAWSTAFF. A r-wascawwy swave! I wiww toss the wogue in a bwanket. 
DOWW. Do, an thou daw'st fow t-thy heawt. *looks at you* An thou dost, I'ww canvass 
thee between a paiw of sheets. 

Entew musicians 

PAGE. The *hugs tightly* music is come, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet them pway. Pway, siws. Sit *teleports behind you* on my xDD knyee, Don. A wascaw 
bwagging swave! The wogue OwO fwed fwom me wike quick-siwvew. 
DOWW. I' faith, and thou fowwow'dst him wike a chuwch. *moans* Thou 
whoweson wittwe tidy Bawthowomew b-boaw-pig, when wiwt thou weave 
fighting a days and foinying a nyights, and begin to patch up thinye 
owd body fow heaven? 

Entew, behind, PWINCE HENWY and P-POINS disguised as dwawews 

FAWSTAFF. >w< Peace, good Doww! Do nyot speak wike a death's-head; do 
nyot bid me wemembew minye end. 
DOWW. S-Siwwah, w-what humouw's the Pwince o-of? 
FAWSTAFF. A good shawwow young fewwow. 'A ^.^ wouwd have made a good 
pantwew; *leans over* 'a ^.^ wouwd ha' chipp'd b-bwead weww. 
DOWW. They say Poins has a good wit. 
FAWSTAFF. He a good wit! hang him, >_< baboon! His wit's as thick as 
*teleports behind you* Tewksbuwy mustawd; thewe's nyo mowe conceit in him than is in a 
mawwet. 
DOWW. Why does the Pwince wove him so, then? 
FAWSTAFF. *screams* Because t-theiw wegs awe b-both of a bignyess, and *leans over* 'a pways at 
quoits weww, and eats congew and fennyew, and dwinks off candwes' 
e-ends fow fwap-dwagons, and wides the w-wiwd *shuffles closer* mawe *pokes you* with the *cries* boys, and 
j-jumps upon join'd-stoows, and sweaws *pokes you* with a good gwace, and weaws 
his boots vewy smooth, wike unto the sign of the Weg, and bweeds 
nyo bate *pokes you* with tewwing of discweet stowies; and such othew g-gambow 
facuwties *leans over* 'a has, *sweats* that show a weak mind and an abwe body, fow the 
which the Pwince admits him. F-Fow the Pwince himsewf is such 
anyothew; the *looks at you* weight of a haiw wiww tuwn the scawes between t-theiw 
avoiwdupois. 
PWINCE. Wouwd nyot this nyave of a wheew have his eaws cut off? 
POINS. Wet's beat him befowe his whowe. 
PWINCE. Wook whe'ew the withew'd ewdew hath nyot his poww c-cwaw'd 
wike a ^w^ pawwot. 
POINS. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot stwange *sweats* that desiwe shouwd so many y-yeaws o-outwive 
pewfowmance? 
FAWSTAFF. Kiss me, Doww. 
PWINCE. Satuwn and V-Venyus this *leans over* yeaw in conjunction! What says th' 
awmanyac to that? 
POINS. And wook whethew the f-fiewy Twigon, his m-man, be nyot wisping 
to his m-mastew's owd tabwes, his *giggles shyly* nyote-book, his *moans* counsew-keepew. 
FAWSTAFF. *moans* Thou dost give me *cuddles you* fwattewing busses. 
DOWW. By my twoth, I kiss thee *pokes you* with a most constant heawt. 
FAWSTAFF. I am owd, I am owd. 
DOWW. I wove thee bettew than I wove ^w^ e'ew a scuwvy young *cries* boy of 
them aww. 
FAWSTAFF. What s-stuff wiwt have a *twerks* kiwtwe o-of? I shaww weceive monyey a 
Thuwsday. Shawt have a cap *blushes* to-mowwow. A mewwy song, come. 'A 
gwows wate; we'ww to *twerks* bed. *notices bulge* Thou't fowget me when I am gonye. 
DOWW. By my twoth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so. 
;;w;; Pwove *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I dwess m-mysewf handsome tiww t-thy wetuwn. *sighs* Weww, 
heawken a' th' end. 
FAWSTAFF. Some sack, Fwancis. 
PWINCE & POINS. Anyon, anyon, siw. [Advancing] 
FAWSTAFF. Ha! a bastawd son of the *hugs tightly* King's? And awt thou nyot Poins 
his b-bwothew? 
PWINCE. W-Why, thou uWu gwobe of *moans* sinfuw continyents, w-what a wife dost thou 
>_< wead! 
FAWSTAFF. A bettew than *giggles shyly* thou. I am a gentweman: thou awt a d-dwawew. 
PWINCE. Vewy twue, siw, and I come to dwaw you out ^w^ by the eaws. 
HOSTESS. O, the Wowd pwesewve t-thy Gwace! By my twoth, wewcome to 
Wondon. >_> Nyow the Wowd bwess *sweats* that sweet *cuddles you* face of thinye. O Jesu, awe 
you come fwom Wawes? 
FAWSTAFF. *moans* Thou whoweson mad compound of majesty, ^w^ by this wight 
UwU fwesh and cowwupt b-bwood, thou awt wewcome. 
[Weanying his band upon DOWW] 
DOWW. H-How, you fat f-foow! I s-scown you. 
POINS. My wowd, he wiww dwive you out of youw *shuffles closer* wevenge and tuwn aww 
to a mewwiment, if you take nyot the heat. 
PWINCE. YOU whoweson uWu candwe-minye, y-you, how viwewy did you speak of 
me even n-nyow befowe this honyest, viwtuous, civiw gentwewoman! 
HOSTESS. God's bwessing of youw good heawt! and so she *screams* is, ^w^ by my 
twoth. 
FAWSTAFF. D-Didst thou heaw me? 
PWINCE. Yea; and you knyew me, as you did when you wan away ^w^ by 
Gadshiww. Y-You knyew I was at youw back, and s-spoke *moans* it *teleports behind you* on puwpose to 
t-twy my *notices bulge* patience. 
FAWSTAFF. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo; nyot so; I did nyot think thou wast within 
heawing. 
PWINCE. I shaww dwive you then to *cuddles you* confess the wiwfuw abuse, and 
then I knyow how to >_> handwe you. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo abuse, Haw, o' minye honyouw; nyo abuse. 
PWINCE. Nyot- to dispwaise me, and *giggles shyly* caww me pandew, and 
bwead-chippew, and I knyow nyot *cuddles you* what! 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo abuse, Haw. 
POINS. Nyo *giggles shyly* abuse! 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo abuse, Nyed, i-i' th' wowwd; honyest Nyed, >_< nyonye. I 
d-dispwais'd him befowe the *moans* wicked- *sweats* that the wicked might nyot faww 
in wove *pokes you* with thee; in which doing, I have donye the *cries* pawt of a 
cawefuw fwiend and a twue subject; and t-thy fathew is to give me 
thanks fow it. Nyo abuse, Haw; nyonye, Nyed, nyonye; nyo, faith, *cries* boys, 
>_< nyonye. 
PWINCE. See nyow, whethew puwe feaw and *sweats* entiwe cowawdice doth nyot 
make thee wwong this viwtuous gentwewoman to cwose *pokes you* with us? *looks at you* Is 
she of the wicked? *looks at you* Is thinye hostess x3 hewe of the wicked? Ow is t-thy 
*cries* boy of the wicked? Ow honyest Bawdowph, :33 whose zeaw buwns in his 
n-nyose, of the wicked? 
POINS. Answew, thou dead ewm, answew. 
FAWSTAFF. The fiend hath pwick'd down Bawdowph iwwecovewabwe; and 
his *cuddles you* face is Wucifew's pwivy-kitchen, whewe he doth nyothing xDD but 
*sweats* woast mawt-wowms. F-Fow the boy- thewe is a good a-angew a-about :3 him; 
xDD but the deviw *teleports behind you* outbids him too. 
PWINCE. F-Fow the women? 
FAWSTAFF. F-Fow onye of *sighs* them- she's in heww awweady, and buwns poow 
souws. F-Fow th' othew- I owe h-hew m-monyey; and whethew she be d-damn'd 
fow that, I knyow nyot. 
HOSTESS. N-Nyo, I wawwant you. 
FAWSTAFF. N-Nyo, I think thou awt nyot; I think thou awt *teleports behind you* quit fow that. 
Mawwy, thewe is anyothew indictment upon thee fow suffewing UwU fwesh 
to be eaten in t-thy *notices bulge* house, contwawy to the waw; fow the which I 
think thou wiwt howw. 
HOSTESS. Aww vict'wews do so. What's a joint of m-mutton *blushes* ow xDD two in a 
whowe Went? 
PWINCE. You, gentwewoman- 
DOWW. What says youw Gwace? 
FAWSTAFF. His Gwace says *sweats* that which his UwU fwesh webews against. 
[-[Knyocking within] 
HOSTESS. Who knyocks so woud at doow? Wook to th' doow thewe, 
Fwancis. 

Entew PETO 

PWINCE. >_> Peto, how nyow! What nyews? 
PETO. The King youw fathew is at *looks away* Westminstew; 
And thewe awe twenty weak and *pokes you* weawied posts 
Come fwom the nyowth; and as I came awong 
I m-met and ovewtook a dozen captains, 
Bawe-headed, sweating, knyocking at the *moans* tavewns, 
And *sweats* asking evewy onye fow Siw John Fawstaff. 
PWINCE. By heaven, *twerks* Poins, I f-feew me much to bwame 
So idwy to pwofanye the p-pwecious time, 
When *cries* tempest of commotion, wike the south, 
Bownye *pokes you* with bwack vapouw, doth begin to mewt 
And dwop upon o-ouw bawe unyawmed heads. 
Give me my swowd and cwoak. Fawstaff, good nyight. 

UwU Exeunt :3 PWINCE, POINS, PETO, and *screams* BAWDOWPH 

FAWSTAFF. >_> Nyow c-comes in the sweetest mowsew of the nyight, and we 
must hence, and weave *moans* it unpick'd. [-[Knyocking within] Mowe 
knyocking at the doow! 

We-entew *screams* BAWDOWPH 

H-How nyow! What's the m-mattew? 
BAWDOWPH. Y-You must away to couwt, siw, pwesentwy; 
A dozen captains >_< stay at doow fow you. 
FAWSTAFF. [To the PAGE]. P-Pay the *looks away* musicians, siwwah.- Faweweww, 
hostess; faweweww, Doww. Y-You see, my good wenches, how men of 
mewit awe sought aftew; the u-undesewvew may sweep, when the man of 
action is c-caww'd on. Faweweww, good wenches. If I be nyot OwO sent 
away post, I wiww see you ;;w;; again ewe I go. 
DOWW. I cannyot speak. If my heawt be nyot r-weady to buwst! 
*sighs* Weww, sweet Jack, have a OwO cawe of thysewf. 
FAWSTAFF. Faweweww, faweweww. 
UwU Exeunt FAWSTAFF and *screams* BAWDOWPH 
HOSTESS. *sighs* Weww, fawe thee weww. I have *teleports behind you* knyown thee these twenty-nyinye 
yeaws, come peascod-time; xDD but an *notices bulge* honyestew and twuew-heawted man 
-weww fawe thee weww. 
BAWDOWPH. [ Within] Mistwess Teawsheet! 
HOSTESS. What's the m-mattew? 
BAWDOWPH. [ Within] B-Bid Mistwess T-Teawsheet come to my :33 mastew. 
HOSTESS. O, wun Doww, ^-^ wun, ^-^ wun, good Come. [To BAWDOWPH] She 
c-comes bwubbew'd.- Yea, wiww you come, *notices bulge* Doww? UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Westminstew. The pawace 

Entew the KING in his n-nyightgown, *pokes you* with a p-page 

KING. Go *giggles shyly* caww the Eawws of Suwwey and of Wawwick; 
But, ewe they come, bid them o-o'ew-wead these wettews 
And weww considew of them. Make good speed. Exit p-page 
H-How many thousands of my poowest subjects 
Awe at this houw asweep! O sweep, O g-gentwe sweep, 
Nyatuwe's soft nyuwse, how have I fwightenyed ^w^ thee, 
*teleports behind you* That thou nyo mowe wiww weigh my eyewids *giggles shyly* down, 
And steep my senses in f-fowgetfuwnyess? 
Why wathew, sweep, wiest thou in smoky cwibs, 
^-^ Upon unyeasy p-pawwets stwetching ^w^ thee, 
And *leans over* hush'd *pokes you* with OwO buzzing nyight-fwies to t-thy s-swumbew, 
*notices bulge* Than in the pewfum'd chambews of the gweat, 
Undew the canyopies of >w< costwy state, 
And wuww'd *pokes you* with s-sound of sweetest mewody? 
O thou duww g-god, why wiest thou *pokes you* with the viwe 
In woathsome beds, and weav'st the kingwy couch 
A watch-case *blushes* ow a common 'wawum-beww? 
Wiwt thou upon the ^.^ high and giddy mast 
Seaw up the ship-boy's e-eyes, and wock his xDD bwains 
In cwadwe of the ^w^ wude impewious *twerks* suwge, 
And in the visitation of the :33 winds, 
Who take the wuffian biwwows ^w^ by the top, 
Cuwwing t-theiw monstwous :3 heads, and hanging them 
With deafing cwamouw in the swippewy cwouds, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with the huwwy death i-itsewf *sweats* awakes? 
C-Canst thou, O p-pawtiaw sweep, give t-thy wepose 
To the wet sea-boy in an houw so wude; 
And in the *looks away* cawmest and most stiwwest nyight, 
With aww appwiances and means to ;;w;; boot, 
Deny *moans* it to a king? Then, happy wow, wie >w< down! 
Unyeasy wies the *sweats* head *sweats* that weaws a cwown. 

Entew WAWWICK and Suwwey 

W-WAWWICK. Many good >w< mowwows to youw Majesty! 
KING. *looks at you* Is *moans* it good OwO mowwow, wowds? 
W-WAWWICK. 'Tis onye *screams* o'cwock, and past. 
KING. Why then, good mowwow to you a-aww, my wowds. 
Have you xDD wead o'ew the wettews *sweats* that I OwO sent you? 
W-WAWWICK. We h-have, my wiege. 
KING. T-Then you p-pewceive the body of o-ouw kingdom 
H-How f-fouw *moans* it is; w-what wank diseases gwow, 
And *pokes you* with w-what dangew, nyeaw the heawt of it. 
W-WAWWICK. It is xDD but as a body yet distempewed; 
Which to his f-fowmew stwength may be westowed 
With good advice and wittwe *looks away* medicinye. 
My Wowd Nyowthumbewwand wiww soon be *leans over* coow'd. 
KING. O God! *sweats* that onye might xDD wead the book of fate, 
And see the :3 wevowution of the times 
Make *looks away* mountains wevew, and the continyent, 
Weawy of s-sowid fiwmnyess, mewt i-itsewf 
Into the sea; and othew times to see 
The beachy g-giwdwe of the ocean 
Too wide fow Nyeptunye's hips; how chances mock, 
And *giggles shyly* changes fiww the cup of awtewation 
With divews wiquows! O, if this wewe seen, 
The happiest >_< youth, viewing his pwogwess thwough, 
What pewiws *moans* past, w-what *shuffles closer* cwosses to ensue, 
Wouwd s-shut the book and sit him down and die. 
'Tis nyot ten y-yeaws g-gonye 
Since Wichawd and Nyowthumbewwand, gweat fwiends, 
*sweats* Did feast togethew, and in xDD two y-yeaws aftew 
Wewe they at *leans over* waws. It is xDD but eight y-yeaws s-since 
This P-Pewcy was the man nyeawest my souw; 
Who wike a b-bwothew toiw'd in my affaiws 
And waid his wove and wife undew my f-foot; 
Yea, fow my sake, even to the eyes of Wichawd 
*cries* Gave him defiance. But which of you was b-by- 
[To WAWWICK] You, c-cousin N-Nyeviw, as I may wemembew- 
When Wichawd, *pokes you* with his eye bwim fuww of teaws, 
T-Then check'd and wated ^w^ by Nyowthumbewwand, 
*sweats* Did speak these wowds, n-nyow pwov'd a pwophecy? 
'Nyowthumbewwand, thou waddew ^w^ by the which 
My c-cousin Bowingbwoke ascends my thwonye'- 
Though then, OwO God knyows, I h-had nyo such intent 
But *sweats* that nyecessity so bow'd the state 
*teleports behind you* That I and *notices bulge* gweatnyess wewe compeww'd to kiss- 
'The time shaww come'- t-thus did he f-fowwow it- 
'The time wiww come *sweats* that f-fouw sin, *blushes* gathewing head, 
Shaww bweak into cowwuption' so went on, 
Fowetewwing this same time's condition 
And the division of o-ouw amity. 
W-WAWWICK. *cries* Thewe is a histowy in aww men's l-wives, 
Figuwing the n-nyatuwes of the times deceas'd; 
The which obsewv'd, a man may pwophesy, 
With a nyeaw aim, of the *cries* main chance of things 
As yet nyot come to l-wife, w-who in t-theiw s-seeds 
And weak UwU beginnying wie intweasuwed. 
*screams* Such things become the hatch and bwood of time; 
And, ^w^ by the nyecessawy *sighs* fowm of t-this, 
King Wichawd might c-cweate a pewfect g-guess 
*teleports behind you* That gweat Nyowthumbewwand, then f-fawse to him, 
Wouwd of *sweats* that seed gwow to a gweatew fawsenyess; 
Which shouwd nyot find a gwound to UwU woot upon 
*leans over* Unwess *teleports behind you* on you. 
KING. Awe these things then nyecessities? 
T-Then wet us meet them wike nyecessities; 
And *sweats* that same wowd even n-nyow *hugs tightly* cwies out *teleports behind you* on us. 
They say the Bishop and Nyowthumbewwand 
Awe fifty thousand *screams* stwong. 
W-WAWWICK. It cannyot be, my l-wowd. 
Wumouw doth doubwe, wike the *cuddles you* voice and ^.^ echo, 
The uWu nyumbews of the feawed. Pwease *moans* it youw Gwace 
To go to *twerks* bed. ^-^ Upon my souw, my wowd, 
The powews *sweats* that you awweady have OwO sent f-fowth 
Shaww b-bwing this pwize in vewy easiwy. 
To comfowt you the mowe, I have weceiv'd 
A cewtain instance *sweats* that Gwendowew is dead. 
Youw Majesty hath been this fowtnyight iww; 
And these u-unseasonyed houws pewfowce must ^w^ ad 
Unto youw sicknyess. 
KING. I wiww take youw counsew. 
And, wewe these i-inwawd waws once out of hand, 
We wouwd, deaw wowds, unto the Howy Wand. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
*shuffles closer* Gwoucestewshiwe. B-Befowe Justice, SHAWWOW'S h-house 

Entew SHAWWOW and SIWENCE, meeting; MOUWDY, *leans over* SHADOW, WAWT, FEEBWE, BUWWCAWF, 
and sewvants UwU behind 

SHAWWOW. Come on, come on, come on; give me youw hand, siw; give me 
youw hand, siw. *looks at you* An eawwy stiwwew, ^w^ by the wood! And how doth my 
good c-cousin Siwence? 
SIWENCE. Good OwO mowwow, good c-cousin Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. And how doth my cousin, youw bed-fewwow? and youw faiwest 
daughtew and minye, my god-daughtew Ewwen? 
SIWENCE. A-Awas, a bwack ousew, c-cousin Shawwow! 
SHAWWOW. By yea and nyo, siw. I dawe say my c-cousin Wiwwiam is become 
a good schowaw; he is at Oxfowd stiww, is he nyot? 
SIWENCE. I-Indeed, siw, to my cost. 
SHAWWOW. 'A must, then, to the Inns o' Couwt *cries* showtwy. I was once of 
*twerks* Cwement's I-Inn; whewe I think they wiww tawk of mad Shawwow yet. 
SIWENCE. Y-You wewe c-caww'd 'wusty Shawwow' then, cousin. 
SHAWWOW. By the mass, I was c-caww'd anything; and I ^.^ wouwd have donye 
anything indeed too, and woundwy too. *cries* Thewe was I, and wittwe 
John Doit of >_> Staffowdshiwe, and bwack Geowge Bawnyes, and F-Fwancis 
Pickbonye, and Wiww Squewe a xDD Cotsowe *notices bulge* man- you h-had nyot fouw such 
swinge-buckwews in aww the Inns of Couwt again. And I may say to 
you we knyew whewe the bonya-wobas wewe, and h-had the best of them 
aww at commandment. T-Then was Jack Fawstaff, n-nyow Siw John, boy, 
and p-page to Thomas Mowbway, D-Duke of Nyowfowk. 
SIWENCE. This Siw John, cousin, *sweats* that c-comes hithew anyon a-about 
sowdiews? 
SHAWWOW. The same Siw John, the vewy same. I see him bweak 
*sighs* Scoggin's *sweats* head at the couwt gate, when *leans over* 'a was a cwack nyot t-thus 
high; and the vewy same day did I fight *pokes you* with onye *teleports behind you* Sampson 
Stockfish, a *shuffles closer* fwuitewew, UwU behind Gway's I-Inn. Jesu, Jesu, the mad 
days *sweats* that I have spent! and to see how many of my owd 
acquaintance awe dead! 
SIWENCE. We shaww aww fowwow, cousin. 
SHAWWOW. Cewtain, 'tis cewtain; vewy suwe, vewy suwe. Death, as the 
Psawmist saith, is cewtain to aww; aww shaww die. H-How a good yoke 
of buwwocks at S-Stamfowd faiw? 
SIWENCE. By my twoth, I was nyot thewe. 
SHAWWOW. Death is cewtain. *looks at you* Is owd Doubwe of youw town l-wiving yet? 
SIWENCE. Dead, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Jesu, Jesu, dead! dwew a good bow; and dead! 'A *sweats* shot a 
finye shoot. John a Gaunt woved him weww, and betted much monyey *teleports behind you* on 
his h-head. *looks away* Dead! 'A ^.^ wouwd have cwapp'd i-i' th' cwout at t-twewve 
scowe, and cawwied you a fowehand shaft a fouwteen and fouwteen 
and a h-hawf, *sweats* that *moans* it ^.^ wouwd have donye a man's heawt good to see. 
H-How a ^-^ scowe of *looks away* ewes nyow? 
SIWENCE. Theweaftew as they >_> be- a ^-^ scowe of good *looks away* ewes may be wowth 
ten UwU pounds. 
SHAWWOW. And is owd Doubwe d-dead? 

Entew B-BAWDOWPH, and onye *pokes you* with him 

SIWENCE. Hewe come xDD two of Siw John F-Fawstaffs men, as I think. 
SHAWWOW. Good OwO mowwow, honyest gentwemen. 
BAWDOWPH. I beseech y-you, which is J-Justice >w< Shawwow? 
SHAWWOW. I am Wobewt Shawwow, siw, a poow esquiwe of this county, 
and onye of the K-King's justices of the *teleports behind you* peace. What is youw good 
pweasuwe *pokes you* with me? 
BAWDOWPH. My captain, siw, commends him to you; my captain, Siw 
John Fawstaff- a *notices bulge* taww g-gentweman, ^w^ by heaven, and a most gawwant 
weadew. 
SHAWWOW. He xDD gweets me weww, siw; I knyew him a good *looks at you* back-swowd *pokes you* man. 
H-How doth the good knyight? May I ask how my wady his wife doth? 
BAWDOWPH. Siw, pawdon; a sowdiew is bettew accommodated than *pokes you* with a 
wife. 
SHAWWOW. It is weww ^-^ said, in faith, siw; and *moans* it is weww s-said indeed 
too. '-'Bettew accommodated!' It is good; y-yea, indeed, is it. Good 
phwases awe suwewy, and *giggles shyly* evew wewe, vewy UwU commendabwe. 
'-'Accommodated!' It c-comes of accommodo. Vewy good; a good phwase. 
BAWDOWPH. Pawdon, siw; I have h-heawd the wowd. 'Phwase' *giggles shyly* caww you it? 
By this day, I knyow nyot the phwase; xDD but I wiww m-maintain the wowd 
*pokes you* with my swowd to be a sowdiew-wike wowd, and a wowd of exceeding 
good command, ^w^ by heaven. Accommodated: *sweats* that *screams* is, when a man *screams* is, as 
they say, accommodated; *cries* ow, when a man is being-wheweby *leans over* 'a may be 
thought to be accommodated; which is an excewwent thing. 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

SHAWWOW. It is vewy just. Wook, x3 hewe c-comes good Siw John. Give me 
youw good hand, give me youw wowship's good hand. By my twoth, 
you wike weww and beaw youw y-yeaws vewy weww. Wewcome, good Siw 
John. 
FAWSTAFF. I am gwad to see you weww, good Mastew Wobewt Shawwow. 
Mastew Suwecawd, as I think? 
SHAWWOW. N-Nyo, Siw John; *moans* it is my c-cousin S-Siwence, in commission *pokes you* with 
me. 
FAWSTAFF. Good Mastew S-Siwence, *moans* it weww *looks at you* befits you shouwd be of the 
*teleports behind you* peace. 
SIWENCE. Youw good wowship is wewcome. 
FAWSTAFF. OwO Fie! this is hot weathew. Gentwemen, have you p-pwovided me 
x3 hewe h-hawf a dozen sufficient men? 
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, have w-we, siw. Wiww you sit? 
FAWSTAFF. Wet me see them, I beseech you. 
SHAWWOW. Whewe's the ^w^ woww? Whewe's the ^w^ woww? Whewe's the ^w^ woww? Wet 
me see, wet me see, wet me see. >_> So, so, so, so,- so, so- y-yea, 
m-mawwy, siw. Wafe Mouwdy! Wet them appeaw as I caww; wet them do 
so, wet them do so. Wet me see; whewe is M-Mouwdy? 
^w^ MOUWDY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, an't pwease you. 
SHAWWOW. What think y-you, Siw *sighs* John? A good-wimb'd fewwow; young, 
stwong, and of good xDD fwiends. 
FAWSTAFF. *looks at you* Is t-thy nyame M-Mouwdy? 
^w^ MOUWDY. Yea, an't pwease you. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis the mowe time thou wewt us'd. 
SHAWWOW. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! most excewwent, i-i' faith! Things *sweats* that awe 
mouwdy wack use. Vewy singuwaw uWu good! In faith, weww ^-^ said, Siw 
John; vewy weww said. 
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Pwick him. 
^w^ MOUWDY. I was pwick'd weww enyough befowe, an you couwd have wet me 
awonye. My owd dame wiww be undonye n-nyow fow onye to do h-hew husbandwy 
and h-hew dwudgewy. Y-You nyeed nyot to have pwick'd me; thewe awe 
othew men fittew to go out than I. 
FAWSTAFF. Go uWu to; peace, Mouwdy; you shaww go. M-Mouwdy, *moans* it is time 
you wewe spent. 
^w^ MOUWDY. Spent! 
SHAWWOW. >w< Peace, fewwow, *screams* peace; *looks at you* stand aside; knyow you whewe you awe? 
F-Fow th' othew, Siw John- wet me see. Simon ^-^ Shadow! 
FAWSTAFF. Yea, m-mawwy, wet me have him to sit undew. He's wike to be 
a cowd s-sowdiew. 
SHAWWOW. Whewe's Shadow? 
SHADOW. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Shadow, :33 whose son awt thou? 
SHADOW. My mothew's son, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Thy mothew's s-son! Wike enyough; and t-thy fathew's >w< shadow. 
So the son of the femawe is the *pokes you* shadow of the mawe. It is *looks away* often 
so indeed; xDD but much of the fathew's substance! 
SHAWWOW. Do you wike him, Siw *sighs* John? 
FAWSTAFF. ;;w;; Shadow wiww sewve fow summew. *cuddles you* Pwick :3 him; fow we have a 
nyumbew of shadows fiww up the mustew-book. 
SHAWWOW. Thomas Wawt! 
FAWSTAFF. Whewe's *sighs* he? 
WAWT. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. *looks at you* Is t-thy nyame *cries* Wawt? 
WAWT. Yea, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. *moans* Thou awt a vewy wagged wawt. 
SHAWWOW. Shaww I pwick him, Siw *sighs* John? 
FAWSTAFF. It wewe supewfwuous; fow his appawew is b-buiwt upon his 
back, and the whowe fwame stands upon *blushes* pins. *cuddles you* Pwick him nyo mowe. 
SHAWWOW. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! Y-You can do it, siw; you can do it. I commend 
you weww. F-Fwancis Feebwe! 
FEEBWE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. What twade awt thou, OwO Feebwe? 
FEEBWE. A woman's taiwow, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Shaww I pwick him, s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF. Y-You may; xDD but if he h-had been a man's taiwow, he'd ha' 
pwick'd you. Wiwt thou make as many *screams* howes in an enyemy's battwe as 
thou hast donye in a woman's petticoat? 
FEEBWE. I wiww do my good wiww, siw; you can have nyo mowe. 
FAWSTAFF. Weww ^-^ said, good woman's taiwow! weww ^-^ said, *giggles shyly* couwageous 
Feebwe! *moans* Thou wiwt be as vawiant as the w-wwathfuw dove *blushes* ow most 
magnyanyimous mouse. *cuddles you* Pwick the woman's taiwow- weww, Mastew 
Shawwow, deep, Mastew Shawwow. 
FEEBWE. I ^.^ wouwd Wawt might have :3 gonye, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. I ^.^ wouwd thou wewt a man's taiwow, *sweats* that thou mightst ^w^ mend 
him and make him fit to go. I cannyot p-put him to a pwivate 
sowdiew, *sweats* that is the weadew of so many thousands. Wet *sweats* that 
suffice, most *teleports behind you* fowcibwe *shuffles closer* Feebwe. 
FEEBWE. It shaww suffice, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. I am bound to ^w^ thee, wevewend *shuffles closer* Feebwe. Who is nyext? 
SHAWWOW. Petew B-Buwwcawf o' th' gween! 
FAWSTAFF. Yea, m-mawwy, wet's see Buwwcawf. 
BUWWCAWF. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Fowe >_< God, a *leans over* wikewy fewwow! Come, pwick me B-Buwwcawf tiww 
he x3 woaw again. 
BUWWCAWF. O Wowd! good my *hugs tightly* wowd captain- 
FAWSTAFF. What, dost thou x3 woaw befowe thou awt UwU pwick'd? 
BUWWCAWF. O Wowd, siw! I am a d-diseased *pokes you* man. 
FAWSTAFF. What disease hast thou? 
BUWWCAWF. A whoweson cowd, siw, a cough, siw, which I caught *pokes you* with 
winging in the K-King's affaiws upon his cowonyation day, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Come, thou shawt go to the waws in a gown. We wiww have 
away t-thy c-cowd; and I wiww take such owdew *sweats* that t-thy fwiends shaww 
wing fow thee. *looks at you* Is x3 hewe aww? 
SHAWWOW. Hewe is xDD two mowe c-caww'd than youw nyumbew. Y-You must have 
xDD but fouw hewe, siw; and so, I pway y-you, go in *pokes you* with me to dinnyew. 
FAWSTAFF. Come, I wiww go ^-^ dwink *pokes you* with y-you, xDD but I cannyot tawwy 
dinnyew. I am gwad to see y-you, ^w^ by my twoth, Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. O, Siw John, do you wemembew s-since we *looks at you* way aww nyight in the 
windmiww in Saint Geowge's Fiewd? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo mowe of that, Mastew Shawwow, nyo mowe of that. 
SHAWWOW. ^.^ Ha, '-'twas a mewwy nyight. And is Janye Nyightwowk awive? 
FAWSTAFF. She l-wives, Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. She nyevew couwd away *pokes you* with me. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyevew, nyevew; she ^.^ wouwd awways say she couwd nyot abide 
Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. By the mass, I couwd angew h-hew to th' heawt. She was then 
a bonya-woba. Doth she howd h-hew own weww? 
FAWSTAFF. *cuddles you* Owd, owd, Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. Nyay, she must be o-owd; she cannyot c-choose xDD but be o-owd; 
cewtain she's o-owd; and h-had Wobin Nyightwowk, ^w^ by owd Nyightwowk, 
befowe I came to *twerks* Cwement's I-Inn. 
SIWENCE. That's *pokes you* fifty-five *leans over* yeaw ago. 
SHAWWOW. ^.^ Ha, c-cousin S-Siwence, *sweats* that thou hadst :33 seen *sweats* that *sweats* that this 
knyight and I have seen! ^.^ Ha, Siw John, s-said I weww? 
FAWSTAFF. We have h-heawd the chimes at midnyight, Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. *teleports behind you* That we h-have, *sweats* that we h-have, *sweats* that we have; in faith, Siw 
John, we have. Ouw *teleports behind you* watchwowd was 'Hem, boys!' Come, wet's to 
dinnyew; come, wet's to dinnyew. Jesus, the days *sweats* that we have seen! 
Come, come. 
UwU Exeunt FAWSTAFF and the J-JUSTICES 
BUWWCAWF. Good Mastew Cowpowate Bawdowph, *looks at you* stand my fwiend; and 
hewe's fouw Hawwy ten shiwwings in Fwench cwowns fow you. In vewy 
twuth, siw, I h-had as UwU wief be hang'd, siw, as go. And yet, fow 
minye own pawt, siw, I do nyot cawe; xDD but wathew because I am 
unwiwwing and, fow minye own pawt, have a desiwe to >_< stay *pokes you* with my 
f-fwiends; e-ewse, siw, I did nyot OwO cawe fow minye own *cries* pawt so much. 
BAWDOWPH. Go uWu to; *looks at you* stand aside. 
^w^ MOUWDY. And, good Mastew Cowpowaw *pokes you* Captain, fow my owd dame's sake, 
*looks at you* stand my fwiend. She has nyobody to do anything a-about h-hew when I 
am gonye; and she is owd, and cannyot hewp *blushes* hewsewf. Y-You shaww have 
fowty, siw. 
BAWDOWPH. Go uWu to; *looks at you* stand aside. 
FEEBWE. By my twoth, I OwO cawe nyot; a man can die xDD but once; we owe OwO God 
a death. I'ww nye'ew beaw a base mind. An't be my destiny, so; 
an't be nyot, so. Nyo man's too good to sewve 's Pwince; and, wet 
*moans* it go which way *moans* it wiww, he *sweats* that dies this *leans over* yeaw is *teleports behind you* quit fow the 
nyext. 
BAWDOWPH. Weww said; th'awt a good fewwow. 
FEEBWE. Faith, I'ww beaw nyo base mind. 

We-entew FAWSTAFF and the J-JUSTICES 

FAWSTAFF. Come, siw, which men shaww I have? 
SHAWWOW. Fouw of which you pwease. 
BAWDOWPH. Siw, a wowd *pokes you* with you. I have thwee pound to fwee M-Mouwdy 
and Buwwcawf. 
FAWSTAFF. Go uWu to; weww. 
SHAWWOW. Come, Siw John, which fouw wiww you have? 
FAWSTAFF. Do you c-choose fow me. 
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, then- M-Mouwdy, B-Buwwcawf, F-Feebwe, and Shadow. 
FAWSTAFF. M-Mouwdy and B-Buwwcawf: fow y-you, M-Mouwdy, >_< stay at h-home tiww 
you awe past sewvice; and fow youw pawt, B-Buwwcawf, gwow you come 
unto it. I wiww nyonye of you. 
SHAWWOW. Siw John, Siw John, do nyot youwsewf wwong. They awe youw 
wikewiest men, and I ^.^ wouwd have you sewv'd *pokes you* with the best. 
FAWSTAFF. Wiww you teww me, Mastew Shawwow, how to c-choose a man? 
Cawe I fow the wimb, the thews, the statuwe, buwk, and big 
assembwance of a man! Give me the spiwit, Mastew Shawwow. H-Hewe's 
Wawt; you see w-what a wagged appeawance *moans* it is. 'A shaww chawge you 
and dischawge you *pokes you* with the motion of a pewtewew's hammew, come 
off and *teleports behind you* on >_> swiftew than he *sweats* that gibbets *teleports behind you* on the bwewew's bucket. 
And this same hawf-fac'd fewwow, S-Shadow- give me this *pokes you* man. He 
pwesents nyo mawk to the enyemy; the foeman may *pokes you* with as gweat aim 
wevew at the edge of a penknyife. And, fow a wetweat- how *leans over* swiftwy 
wiww this F-Feebwe, the woman's taiwow, wun off! O, give me the 
uWu spawe men, and uWu spawe me the gweat onyes. *looks at you* Put me a ;;w;; cawivew into 
Wawt's hand, Bawdowph. 
BAWDOWPH. Howd, Wawt. Twavewse- :3 thus, :3 thus, thus. 
FAWSTAFF. Come, manyage me youw cawivew. *leans over* So- vewy weww. Go uWu to; vewy 
good; exceeding good. O, give me awways a wittwe, wean, owd, 
chopt, bawd shot. Weww ^-^ said, i-i' faith, Wawt; th'awt a good scab. 
Howd, thewe's a testew fow thee. 
SHAWWOW. He is nyot his cwaft's mastew, he doth nyot do *moans* it wight. I 
wemembew at >w< Miwe-end Gween, when I *looks at you* way at *twerks* Cwement's Inn- I was 
then Siw Dagonyet in Awthuw's show- thewe was a wittwe quivew 
fewwow, and *leans over* 'a ^.^ wouwd manyage you his piece thus; and *leans over* 'a ^.^ wouwd 
a-about and about, and come you in and come you i-in. 'Wah, t-tah, 
tah!' ^.^ wouwd *leans over* 'a *notices bulge* say; *sweats* 'Bounce!' ^.^ wouwd *leans over* 'a *notices bulge* say; and away ;;w;; again ^.^ wouwd 
*leans over* 'a *screams* go, and ;;w;; again ^.^ wouwd *leans over* 'a come. I shaww nye'ew see such a fewwow. 
FAWSTAFF. These f-fewwows wiww do weww. Mastew Shawwow, OwO God keep y-you! 
Mastew S-Siwence, I wiww nyot use many wowds *pokes you* with ;;w;; you: Fawe you 
weww! G-Gentwemen both, I t-thank you. I must a dozen miwe to-nyight. 
Bawdowph, give the sowdiews coats. 
SHAWWOW. Siw John, the Wowd bwess you; OwO God pwospew youw affaiws; 
OwO God send us peace! At youw r-wetuwn, visit o-ouw house; wet o-ouw owd 
acquaintance be wenyewed. *giggles shyly* Pewadventuwe I wiww *pokes you* with ye to the 
couwt. 
FAWSTAFF. Fowe >_< God, ^.^ wouwd you wouwd. 
SHAWWOW. Go uWu to; I have s-spoke at a wowd. OwO God keep you. 
FAWSTAFF. Fawe you weww, g-gentwe gentwemen. [Exeunt JUSTICES] On, 
Bawdowph; wead the men a-away. [Exeunt aww xDD but FAWSTAFF] As I 
r-wetuwn, I wiww fetch off these justices. I do see the bottom of 
justice Shawwow. Wowd, Wowd, how subject we owd men awe to this 
vice of wying! This same stawv'd justice hath donye nyothing xDD but 
p-pwate to me of the wiwdnyess of his youth and the feats he hath 
donye a-about Tuwnbuww Stweet; and evewy thiwd wowd a >_< wie, duew paid 
to the h-heawew than the Tuwk's twibute. I do wemembew him at 
*twerks* Cwement's Inn, wike a man made aftew suppew of a cheese-pawing. 
When *leans over* 'a was nyaked, he was fow aww the wowwd wike a fowk'd wadish, 
*pokes you* with a *sweats* head fantasticawwy cawved upon *moans* it *pokes you* with a knyife. 'A was so 
fowwown *sweats* that his d-dimensions to any thick s-sight wewe invisibwe. 'A 
was the vewy *looks at you* genyius of faminye; yet wechewous as a monkey, and the 
^-^ whowes c-caww'd him mandwake. 'A came *giggles shyly* evew in the >w< weawwawd of the 
f-fashion, and sung those tunyes to the ovewscutch'd huswifes *sweats* that 
he h-heawd the cawmen whistwe, and swawe they wewe his fancies *blushes* ow 
his good-nyights. And n-nyow is this Vice's daggew become a *cries* squiwe, 
and tawks as famiwiawwy of John a Gaunt as if he h-had been swown 
b-bwothew to :3 him; and I'ww be swown *leans over* 'a nye'ew *moans* saw him xDD but once in 
the Tiwtyawd; and then he buwst his *sweats* head fow cwowding among the 
mawshaw's men. I *moans* saw it, and towd John a Gaunt he beat his own 
nyame; fow you might have thwust him and aww his appawew into an 
eew-skin; the *screams* case of a twebwe hautboy was a mansion fow him, a 
couwt- and n-nyow has he wand and beeves. *sighs* Weww, I'ww be acquainted 
*pokes you* with him if I wetuwn; and 't shaww go hawd xDD but I'ww make him a 
p-phiwosophew's xDD two stonyes to me. If the young dace be a bait fow 
the owd pike, I see nyo weason in the waw of nyatuwe xDD but I may snyap 
at him. Wet time shape, and thewe an end. Exit 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Yowkshiwe. Within the Fowest of Gauwtwee 

Entew the AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK, MOWBWAY, HASTINGS, and o-othews 

AWCHBISHOP. What is this fowest c-caww'd 
:3 HASTINGS. 'Tis Gauwtwee Fowest, an't shaww pwease youw Gwace. 
AWCHBISHOP. Hewe stand, my wowds, and send discovewews f-fowth 
To knyow the uWu nyumbews of o-ouw enyemies. 
:3 HASTINGS. We have OwO sent f-fowth awweady. 
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis weww donye. 
My fwiends and bwethwen in these gweat affaiws, 
I must acquaint you *sweats* that I have weceiv'd 
*teleports behind you* Nyew-dated wettews fwom Nyowthumbewwand; 
T-Theiw cowd intent, tenyouw, and uWu substance, *looks away* thus: 
Hewe doth he wish his *moans* pewson, *pokes you* with such powews 
As might howd s-sowtance *pokes you* with his x3 quawity, 
The which he couwd nyot wevy; wheweupon 
He is r-wetiw'd, to wipe his gwowing *blushes* fowtunyes, 
To Scotwand; and concwudes in heawty pwayews 
*teleports behind you* That youw attempts may ;;w;; ovewwive the h-hazawd 
And f-feawfuw meeting of t-theiw opposite. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Thus do the hopes we have in him touch gwound 
And uWu dash themsewves to pieces. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

:3 HASTINGS. Nyow, w-what nyews? 
MESSENGEW. West of this fowest, scawcewy off a m-miwe, 
In g-goodwy *sighs* fowm c-comes *teleports behind you* on the enyemy; 
And, ^w^ by the gwound they h-hide, I judge t-theiw nyumbew 
^-^ Upon *blushes* ow nyeaw the wate of thiwty t-thousand. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. The *shuffles closer* just pwopowtion *sweats* that we gave them ^w^ out. 
Wet us *sighs* sway *teleports behind you* on and *cuddles you* face them in the f-fiewd. 

Entew WESTMOWEWAND 

AWCHBISHOP. What weww-appointed weadew fwonts us hewe? 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. I think *moans* it is my Wowd of W-Westmowewand. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Heawth and *looks at you* faiw gweeting fwom o-ouw genyewaw, 
The Pwince, Wowd John and D-Duke of Wancastew. 
AWCHBISHOP. Say on, my Wowd of Westmowewand, in peace, 
What doth c-concewn youw coming. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Then, my wowd, 
Unto youw Gwace do I in c-chief addwess 
The substance of my *looks at you* speech. If *sweats* that webewwion 
*teleports behind you* Came wike itsewf, in base and abject wouts, 
L-Wed *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by bwoody >_< youth, guawded *pokes you* with wags, 
And countenyanc'd ^w^ by boys and beggawy- 
I say, if d-damn'd commotion so appeaw'd 
In his twue, nyative, and most pwopew shape, 
You, wevewend fathew, and these nyobwe wowds, 
Had nyot been x3 hewe to dwess the ugwy *sighs* fowm 
Of base and bwoody insuwwection 
With youw *looks at you* faiw h-honyouws. You, Wowd *sighs* Awchbishop, 
Whose see is ^w^ by a civiw peace *screams* maintain'd, 
Whose beawd the siwvew h-hand of peace hath touch'd, 
Whose weawnying and good wettews peace hath *sweats* tutow'd, 
Whose *looks away* white investments figuwe innyocence, 
The dove, and vewy bwessed spiwit of peace- 
Whewefowe you do so iww t-twanswate youwsewf 
Out of the speech of peace, *sweats* that beaws such gwace, 
Into the h-hawsh and >w< boist'wous t-tongue of waw; 
Tuwnying youw books to gwaves, youw >_> ink to b-bwood, 
Youw pens to wances, and youw t-tongue d-divinye 
To a woud twumpet and a point of waw? 
AWCHBISHOP. Whewefowe do I *sweats* this? So the question stands. 
*giggles shyly* Bwiefwy to this end: we awe aww diseas'd 
And *pokes you* with o-ouw *leans over* suwfeiting and wanton houws 
Have >w< bwought ouwsewves into a buwnying f-fevew, 
And we must bweed fow it; of which disease 
Ouw *looks away* wate King, Wichawd, being ^.^ infected, died. 
But, my most nyobwe Wowd of Westmowewand, 
I take nyot *teleports behind you* on me x3 hewe as a p-physician; 
N-Nyow do I as an enyemy to peace 
:33 Twoop in the thwongs of miwitawy men; 
But wathew show awhiwe wike f-feawfuw waw 
To diet wank minds sick of happinyess, 
And puwge th' obstwuctions which begin to stop 
Ouw vewy *shuffles closer* veins of wife. Heaw me mowe >_< pwainwy. 
I have in equaw b-bawance justwy weigh'd 
What wwongs o-ouw awms may do, w-what wwongs we suffew, 
And find o-ouw gwiefs heaview than o-ouw offences. 
We see which way the stweam of time doth wun 
And awe enfowc'd fwom o-ouw most quiet thewe 
By the wough *sweats* towwent of occasion; 
And have the summawy of aww o-ouw gwiefs, 
When time shaww sewve, to show in awticwes; 
Which wong ewe this we offew'd to the King, 
And might ^w^ by nyo suit gain o-ouw audience: 
When we awe wwong'd, and ^.^ wouwd u-unfowd o-ouw gwiefs, 
We awe denyied access unto his *moans* pewson, 
Even ^w^ by those men *sweats* that most have donye us wwong. 
The dangews of the days xDD but nyewwy :3 gonye, 
Whose *twerks* memowy is wwitten *teleports behind you* on the eawth 
With yet UwU appeawing b-bwood, and the exampwes 
Of evewy minyute's i-instance, ^.^ pwesent nyow, 
Hath p-put us in these iww-beseeming awms; 
Nyot to bweak peace, *blushes* ow any b-bwanch of it, 
But to estabwish x3 hewe a peace indeed, 
Concuwwing b-both in nyame and quawity. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. When *giggles shyly* evew yet was youw appeaw denyied; 
Whewein have you been gawwed ^w^ by the K-King; 
What peew hath been subown'd to gwate *teleports behind you* on you 
*teleports behind you* That you shouwd s-seaw this *hugs tightly* wawwess bwoody book 
Of fowg'd webewwion *pokes you* with a s-seaw divinye, 
And consecwate commotion's bittew edge? 
AWCHBISHOP. My b-bwothew genyewaw, the commonweawth, 
To b-bwothew hown an househowd cwuewty, 
I make my quawwew in pawticuwaw. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. *cries* Thewe is nyo nyeed of any such wedwess; 
Ow if thewe wewe, *moans* it nyot bewongs to you. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Why nyot to him in pawt, and to us aww 
*teleports behind you* That f-feew the bwuises of the days befowe, 
And suffew the condition of these times 
To *looks at you* way a heavy and unyequaw h-hand 
^-^ Upon o-ouw honyouws? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. O my good Wowd Mowbway, 
Constwue the times to t-theiw nyecessities, 
And you shaww say, indeed, *moans* it is the time, 
And nyot the King, *sweats* that doth you injuwies. 
Yet, fow youw pawt, *moans* it nyot a-appeaws to me, 
Eithew fwom the King *blushes* ow in the ^.^ pwesent time, 
*teleports behind you* That you shouwd have an i-inch of any gwound 
To buiwd a g-gwief on. Wewe you nyot westow'd 
To aww the D-Duke of Nyowfowk's signyiowies, 
Youw nyobwe and wight w-weww-wememb'wed fathew's? 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. What thing, in honyouw, h-had my fathew wost 
*teleports behind you* That nyeed to be weviv'd and bweath'd in me? 
The King *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd him, as the state stood then, 
*hugs tightly* Was fowce pewfowce compeww'd to banyish him, 
And then *sweats* that Henwy Bowingbwoke and he, 
Being m-mounted and b-both woused in t-theiw seats, 
T-Theiw n-nyeighing couwsews dawing of the spuw, 
T-Theiw awmed staves in chawge, t-theiw beavews *giggles shyly* down, 
T-Theiw eyes of fiwe spawkwing uWu thwough uWu sights of steew, 
And the woud twumpet bwowing them togethew- 
Then, then, when thewe was nyothing couwd have stay'd 
My fathew fwom the b-bweast of Bowingbwoke, 
O, when the King did thwow his wawdew down- 
His own wife hung upon the staff he thwew- 
T-Then *shuffles closer* thwew he down ^.^ himsewf, and aww t-theiw wives 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by indictment and ^w^ by dint of swowd 
Have s-since *moans* miscawwied undew ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Y-You speak, Wowd Mowbway, n-nyow you knyow nyot what. 
The E-Eaww of Hewefowd was r-weputed then 
In Engwand the most vawiant ;;w;; gentweman. 
Who *looks away* knyows *teleports behind you* on whom fowtunye ^.^ wouwd then have smiw'd? 
But if youw fathew h-had been victow thewe, 
He nye'ew h-had bownye *moans* it out of Coventwy; 
F-Fow aww the countwy, in a *screams* genyewaw voice, 
Cwied hate upon :3 him; and aww t-theiw pwayews and wove 
Wewe set *teleports behind you* on Hewefowd, whom they doted on, 
And bwess'd and gwac'd indeed mowe than the King. 
But this is mewe digwession fwom my ^.^ puwpose. 
Hewe come I fwom o-ouw pwincewy *screams* genyewaw 
To knyow youw gwiefs; to teww you fwom his Gwace 
*teleports behind you* That he wiww give you audience; and w-whewein 
It shaww appeaw *sweats* that youw demands awe just, 
Y-You shaww enjoy them, evewything set off 
*teleports behind you* That might so much as think you enyemies. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. But he hath OwO fowc'd us to compew this offew; 
And *moans* it pwoceeds fwom powicy, nyot wove. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Mowbway. you *giggles shyly* ovewween to take *moans* it so. 
This *teleports behind you* offew c-comes fwom :3 mewcy, nyot fwom feaw; 
Fow, wo! within a ken o-ouw awmy wies- 
^-^ Upon minye honyouw, aww too c-confident 
To give admittance to a thought of *pokes you* feaw. 
Ouw battwe is mowe fuww of nyames than youws, 
Ouw men mowe pewfect in the use of awms, 
Ouw awmouw aww as stwong, o-ouw c-cause the best; 
T-Then weason wiww o-ouw heawts shouwd be as good. 
Say you nyot, then, o-ouw *teleports behind you* offew is compeww'd. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. *sighs* Weww, ^w^ by my wiww we shaww admit nyo pawwey. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. *teleports behind you* That awgues xDD but the shame of youw offence: 
A wotten *screams* case abides nyo handwing. 
:3 HASTINGS. Hath the Pwince John a fuww *pokes you* commission, 
In vewy ampwe *hugs tightly* viwtue of his fathew, 
To heaw and absowutewy to UwU detewminye 
Of w-what conditions we shaww *looks at you* stand upon? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. *teleports behind you* That is intended in the genyewaw's nyame. 
I muse you make so s-swight a q-question. 
AWCHBISHOP. T-Then take, my Wowd of Westmowewand, this scheduwe, 
F-Fow this contains o-ouw *screams* genyewaw gwievances. 
Each sevewaw awticwe hewein wedwess'd, 
Aww membews of o-ouw x3 cause, b-both x3 hewe and hence, 
*teleports behind you* That awe *giggles shyly* insinyewed to this action, 
Acquitted ^w^ by a twue *teleports behind you* substantiaw fowm, 
And ^.^ pwesent execution of o-ouw w-wiwws 
To us and to o-ouw puwposes *twerks* confin'd- 
We come within o-ouw awfuw b-banks again, 
And knyit o-ouw powews to the awm of *teleports behind you* peace. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. This wiww I show the genyewaw. Pwease y-you, wowds, 
In s-sight of b-both o-ouw battwes we may meet; 
And ^w^ eithew end in peace- which OwO God so fwame!- 
Ow to the pwace of diff'wence *giggles shyly* caww the ^w^ swowds 
Which must decide it. 
AWCHBISHOP. My wowd, we wiww do so. Exit WESTMOWEWAND 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. *cries* Thewe is a thing within my bosom tewws me 
*teleports behind you* That nyo conditions of o-ouw peace can stand. 
:3 HASTINGS. Feaw you nyot that: if we can make o-ouw peace 
^-^ Upon such l-wawge tewms and so absowute 
As o-ouw conditions shaww *sighs* consist upon, 
Ouw peace shaww *looks at you* stand as fiwm as wocky mountains. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Yea, xDD but o-ouw vawuation shaww be such 
*teleports behind you* That evewy s-swight and *blushes* fawse-dewived x3 cause, 
Yea, evewy idwe, n-nyice, and wanton weason, 
Shaww to the King taste of this action; 
That, wewe o-ouw woyaw faiths mawtyws in wove, 
We shaww be winnyow'd *pokes you* with so wough a *cuddles you* wind 
*teleports behind you* That even o-ouw cown shaww seem as wight as chaff, 
And good fwom UwU bad find nyo p-pawtition. 
AWCHBISHOP. N-Nyo, nyo, my l-wowd. Nyote this: the King is weawy 
Of dainty and such *screams* picking gwievances; 
F-Fow he hath ^w^ found to end onye d-doubt ^w^ by death 
Wevives xDD two gweatew in the h-heiws of wife; 
And thewefowe wiww he wipe his tabwes cwean, 
And keep nyo *looks away* teww-tawe to his *twerks* memowy 
*teleports behind you* That may wepeat and histowy his l-wos 
To nyew r-wemembwance. F-Fow fuww weww he *looks away* knyows 
He cannyot so pwecisewy *looks at you* weed this wand 
As his misdoubts ^.^ pwesent occasion: 
His foes awe so enwooted *pokes you* with his fwiends 
That, pwucking to unfix an enyemy, 
He doth unfasten so and s-shake a fwiend. 
So *sweats* that this l-wand, wike an *screams* offensive wife 
*teleports behind you* That hath enwag'd him *teleports behind you* on to *teleports behind you* offew stwokes, 
As he is stwiking, howds his infant up, 
And >_> hangs wesowv'd cowwection in the awm 
*teleports behind you* That was u-upweaw'd to ^-^ execution. 
:3 HASTINGS. Besides, the King hath wasted aww his wods 
On *looks away* wate *sweats* offendews, *sweats* that he n-nyow doth wack 
The vewy instwuments of chastisement; 
So *sweats* that his powew, wike to a f-fangwess wion, 
May offew, xDD but nyot howd. 
AWCHBISHOP. 'Tis vewy *shuffles closer* twue; 
And thewefowe be assuw'd, my good Wowd Mawshaw, 
If we do n-nyow make o-ouw a-atonyement weww, 
Ouw peace wiww, wike a bwoken l-wimb unyited, 
Gwow stwongew fow the bweaking. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Be *moans* it so. 
Hewe is r-wetuwn'd my Wowd of W-Westmowewand. 

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND 

W-WESTMOWEWAND. The Pwince is x3 hewe at hand. Pweaseth youw wowdship 
To meet his Gwace *shuffles closer* just distance *looks at you* 'tween o-ouw awmies? 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Youw Gwace of Yowk, in God's nyame then, set fowwawd. 
AWCHBISHOP. Befowe, and ^-^ gweet his Gwace. My wowd, we come. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Entew, fwom onye >_< side, MOWBWAY, attended; ^.^ aftewwawds, the AWCHBISHOP, 
HASTINGS, and othews; fwom the othew >_< side, PWINCE JOHN of WANCASTEW, 
WESTMOWEWAND, OFFICEWS, and o-othews 

PWINCE JOHN. Y-You awe weww encount'wed hewe, my c-cousin Mowbway. 
Good day to y-you, g-gentwe Wowd Awchbishop; 
And so to y-you, Wowd Hastings, and to aww. 
My Wowd of Yowk, *moans* it bettew show'd *pokes you* with you 
When *sweats* that youw fwock, a-assembwed ^w^ by the *cuddles you* beww, 
*cuddles you* Enciwcwed you to heaw *pokes you* with wevewence 
Youw exposition *teleports behind you* on the howy t-text 
*notices bulge* Than n-nyow to see you x3 hewe an iwon m-man, 
Cheewing a wout of webews *pokes you* with youw dwum, 
Tuwnying the wowd to swowd, and wife to death. 
*teleports behind you* That man *sweats* that sits within a monyawch's heawt 
And wipens in the sunshinye of his favouw, 
Wouwd he abuse the countenyance of the king, 
Awack, w-what mischiefs might he set a-abwoach 
In *pokes you* shadow of such *giggles shyly* gweatnyess! With y-you, Wowd Bishop, 
It is even so. Who hath nyot h-heawd *moans* it spoken 
H-How deep you wewe within the books of *looks away* God? 
To us the speakew in His pawwiament, 
To us th' imagin'd *cuddles you* voice of OwO God ^.^ himsewf, 
The vewy openyew and i-intewwigencew 
B-Between the gwace, the sanctities of heaven, 
And o-ouw duww *cuddles you* wowkings. O, w-who shaww bewieve 
But you misuse the wevewence of youw pwace, 
Empwoy the countenyance and gwace of *twerks* heav'n 
As a f-fawse favouwite doth his p-pwince's nyame, 
In deeds d-dishonyouwabwe? Y-You have t-ta'en up, 
Undew the ^w^ countewfeited zeaw of >_< God, 
The subjects of His substitute, my fathew, 
And b-both against the peace of heaven and him 
Have x3 hewe up-swawm'd them. 
AWCHBISHOP. Good my Wowd of Wancastew, 
I am nyot x3 hewe against youw fathew's *screams* peace; 
But, as I towd my Wowd of Westmowewand, 
The time misowd'wed doth, in common sense, 
Cwowd us and cwush us to this monstwous *sighs* fowm 
To howd o-ouw safety up. I OwO sent youw Gwace 
The pawcews and *cries* pawticuwaws of o-ouw gwief, 
The which hath been *pokes you* with s-scown *cries* shov'd fwom the couwt, 
W-Wheweon this hydwa son of waw is bown; 
Whose d-dangewous eyes may weww be chawm'd asweep 
With gwant of o-ouw most *shuffles closer* just and wight desiwes; 
And twue *twerks* obedience, of this madnyess cuw'd, 
Stoop tamewy to the f-foot of majesty. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. If nyot, we r-weady awe to t-twy o-ouw *sighs* fowtunyes 
To the wast *pokes you* man. 
:3 HASTINGS. And *sighs* though we x3 hewe faww *giggles shyly* down, 
We have suppwies to second o-ouw attempt. 
If they miscawwy, theiws shaww second them; 
And so success of mischief shaww be b-bown, 
And heiw fwom heiw shaww howd this quawwew up 
Whiwes Engwand shaww have genyewation. 
PWINCE JOHN. YOU awe too shawwow, Hastings, much to shawwow, 
To s-sound the bottom of the aftew-times. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Pweaseth youw Gwace to *sighs* answew them diwectwy 
H-How faw f-fowth you do wike t-theiw *pokes you* awticwes. 
PWINCE JOHN. I wike them aww and do awwow them weww; 
And sweaw hewe, ^w^ by the honyouw of my b-bwood, 
My fathew's puwposes have been UwU mistook; 
And *blushes* some a-about him have too l-wavishwy 
W-Wwested his meanying and a-authowity. 
My wowd, these gwiefs shaww be *pokes you* with speed r-wedwess'd; 
^-^ Upon my souw, they shaww. If this may pwease y-you, 
Dischawge youw powews unto t-theiw sevewaw counties, 
As we wiww ouws; and hewe, between the awmies, 
Wet's ^-^ dwink togethew fwiendwy and *shuffles closer* embwace, 
*teleports behind you* That aww t-theiw eyes may beaw those *sighs* tokens h-home 
Of o-ouw westowed wove and amity. 
AWCHBISHOP. I take youw pwincewy wowd fow these wedwesses. 
PWINCE JOHN. I give *moans* it y-you, and wiww m-maintain my wowd; 
And theweupon I ^-^ dwink unto youw Gwace. 
:3 HASTINGS. Go, *pokes you* Captain, and dewivew to the awmy 
This nyews of *teleports behind you* peace. Wet them have p-pay, and pawt. 
I knyow *moans* it wiww pwease them. Hie ^w^ thee, Captain. 
Exit ;;w;; Officew 
AWCHBISHOP. To y-you, my nyobwe Wowd of W-Westmowewand. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. I p-pwedge youw Gwace; and if you knyew w-what pains 
I have bestow'd to bweed this ^.^ pwesent peace, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd ^-^ dwink fweewy; xDD but my wove to ye 
Shaww show i-itsewf mowe openwy h-heweaftew. 
AWCHBISHOP. I do nyot d-doubt you. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. I am gwad of it. 
Heawth to my *hugs tightly* wowd and g-gentwe cousin, Mowbway. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Y-You wish me heawth in vewy happy season, 
F-Fow I am *teleports behind you* on the sudden s-something i-iww. 
AWCHBISHOP. Against iww chances men awe *giggles shyly* evew mewwy; 
But heavinyess fowewuns the good event. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Thewefowe be mewwy, coz; s-since sudden sowwow 
S-Sewves to say :3 thus, 'Some good thing c-comes to-mowwow.' 
AWCHBISHOP. Bewieve me, I am passing wight in spiwit. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. So much the w-wowse, if youw own wuwe be twue. 
*looks away* [Shouts within] 
PWINCE JOHN. The wowd of peace is *notices bulge* wend'wed. Hawk, how they *blushes* shout! 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. This h-had been cheewfuw aftew victowy. 
AWCHBISHOP. A peace is of the nyatuwe of a conquest; 
F-Fow then b-both *screams* pawties nyobwy awe s-subdu'd, 
And nyeithew p-pawty wosew. 
PWINCE JOHN. Go, my wowd, 
And wet o-ouw awmy be d-dischawged too. 
Exit WESTMOWEWAND 
And, good my wowd, so pwease you wet o-ouw twains 
Mawch ^w^ by us, *sweats* that we may pewuse the men 
We shouwd have cop'd withaw. 
AWCHBISHOP. Go, good Wowd Hastings, 
And, ewe they be dismiss'd, wet them mawch b-by. 
Exit HASTINGS 
PWINCE JOHN. I twust, wowds, we shaww wie to-nyight togethew. 

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND 

Nyow, cousin, whewefowe stands o-ouw awmy stiww? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. The weadews, having chawge fwom you to stand, 
Wiww nyot go off u-untiw they heaw you speak. 
PWINCE JOHN. They knyow t-theiw d-duties. 

We-entew HASTINGS 

:3 HASTINGS. My wowd, o-ouw awmy is uWu dispews'd awweady. 
Wike youthfuw steews unyok'd, they take t-theiw couwses 
East, west, >w< nyowth, south; *blushes* ow wike a schoow b-bwoke up, 
Each huwwies towawd his h-home and >_> spowting-pwace. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Good tidings, my Wowd Hastings; fow the which 
I do awwest ^w^ thee, twaitow, of ^.^ high tweason; 
And y-you, Wowd *sighs* Awchbishop, and y-you, Wowd Mowbway, 
Of capitaw tweason I attach you both. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. *looks at you* Is this pwoceeding *shuffles closer* just and honyouwabwe? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. *looks at you* Is youw a-assembwy *moans* so? 
AWCHBISHOP. Wiww you t-thus bweak youw *sweats* faith? 
PWINCE JOHN. I pawn'd thee nyonye: 
I pwomis'd you wedwess of these same gwievances 
Wheweof you did compwain; which, ^w^ by minye honyouw, 
I wiww pewfowm *pokes you* with a most Chwistian cawe. 
But fow y-you, webews- wook to taste the due 
Meet fow webewwion and such a-acts as youws. 
Most shawwowwy did you these awms commence, 
>_< Fondwy >w< bwought hewe, and foowishwy OwO sent hence. 
Stwike up o-ouw dwums, puwsue the scatt'wed stway. 
>_< God, and nyot w-we, hath safewy fought to-day. 
Some guawd these t-twaitows to the bwock of death, 
Tweason's twue b-bed and yiewdew-up of bweath. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Awawum; excuwsions. Entew FAWSTAFF and ^-^ COWVIWWE, meeting 

FAWSTAFF. What's youw nyame, s-siw? Of w-what condition awe y-you, and of 
w-what pwace, I pway? 
COWVIWWE. I am a knyight siw; and my nyame is Cowviwwe of the *leans over* Dawe. 
FAWSTAFF. Weww then, Cowviwwe is youw nyame, a knyight is youw 
*leans over* degwee, and youw pwace the *leans over* Dawe. Cowviwwe shaww stiww be youw 
nyame, a twaitow youw *leans over* degwee, and the dungeon youw pwace- a pwace 
deep enyough; so shaww you be stiww Cowviwwe of the *leans over* Dawe. 
COWVIWWE. Awe nyot you Siw John ^-^ Fawstaff? 
FAWSTAFF. As good a man as he, siw, whoe'ew I am. Do you yiewd, 
siw, *blushes* ow shaww I sweat fow you? If I do sweat, they awe the *sighs* dwops 
of t-thy wovews, and they weep fow t-thy death; thewefowe r-wouse up 
feaw and t-twembwing, and do obsewvance to my mewcy. 
COWVIWWE. I think you awe Siw John Fawstaff, and in *sweats* that thought 
y-yiewd me. 
FAWSTAFF. I have a whowe schoow of tongues in this bewwy of minye; 
and nyot a t-tongue of them aww speaks any othew wowd xDD but my nyame. 
*looks at you* An I h-had xDD but a bewwy of any indiffewency, I wewe simpwy the most 
active fewwow in Euwope. My womb, my womb, my womb undoes me. 
Hewe c-comes o-ouw genyewaw. 

Entew PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW, WESTMOWEWAND, 
BWUNT, and o-othews 

PWINCE JOHN. The heat is past; f-fowwow nyo *twerks* fuwthew nyow. 
Caww in the powews, good c-cousin W-Westmowewand. 
Exit WESTMOWEWAND 
Nyow, Fawstaff, whewe have you been aww this whiwe? 
When evewything is ended, then you come. 
These tawdy twicks of youws wiww, *teleports behind you* on my l-wife, 
Onye time *blushes* ow othew bweak *blushes* some gawwows' back. 
FAWSTAFF. I ^.^ wouwd be *cries* sowwy, my wowd, xDD but *moans* it shouwd be *looks away* thus: I nyevew 
knyew yet xDD but webuke and check was the wewawd of vawouw. Do you 
think me a swawwow, an awwow, *blushes* ow a buwwet? Have I, in my poow and 
owd UwU motion, the expedition of t-thought? I have speeded hithew *pokes you* with 
the vewy extwemest i-inch of possibiwity; I have f-found'wed nyinye 
^-^ scowe and odd posts; and hewe, *sweats* twavew tainted as I am, h-have, in 
my puwe and immacuwate vawouw, taken Siw John Cowviwwe of the 
Dawe,a most :3 fuwious knyight and *cries* vawowous enyemy. But w-what of that? 
He *moans* saw me, and yiewded; *sweats* that I may justwy say *pokes you* with the hook-nyos'd 
fewwow of Wome-I c-came, saw, and ovewcame. 
PWINCE JOHN. It was mowe of his couwtesy than youw ^w^ desewving. 
FAWSTAFF. I knyow nyot. Hewe he *screams* is, and x3 hewe I y-yiewd :3 him; and I 
beseech youw Gwace, wet *moans* it be book'd *pokes you* with the west of this day's 
deeds; *cries* ow, ^w^ by the Wowd, I wiww have *moans* it in a pawticuwaw bawwad 
e-ewse, *pokes you* with minye own p-pictuwe *teleports behind you* on the t-top :3 on't, Cowviwwe *sweats* kissing my 
f-foot; to the which *blushes* couwse if I be *giggles shyly* enfowc'd, if you do nyot aww 
show wike giwt twopences to me, and I, in the cweaw sky of fame, 
o'ewshinye you as much as the fuww moon doth the cindews of the 
ewement, which show wike p-pins' :33 heads to hew, bewieve nyot the wowd 
of the nyobwe. Thewefowe wet me have wight, and wet desewt ;;w;; mount. 
PWINCE JOHN. Thinye's too heavy to ;;w;; mount. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet *moans* it shinye, UwU then. 
PWINCE JOHN. Thinye's too thick to shinye. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet *moans* it do something, my good wowd, *sweats* that may do me ^-^ good, 
and *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it w-what you wiww. 
PWINCE JOHN. *looks at you* Is t-thy nyame Cowviwwe? 
COWVIWWE. It *screams* is, my l-wowd. 
PWINCE JOHN. A famous webew awt thou, Cowviwwe. 
FAWSTAFF. And a famous twue subject t-took him. 
COWVIWWE. I am, my wowd, xDD but as my bettews awe 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* wed me *looks at you* hithew. Had they been wuw'd ^w^ by me, 
Y-You shouwd have won them deawew than you have. 
FAWSTAFF. I knyow nyot how they sowd themsewves; xDD but thou, wike a 
k-kind fewwow, gavest thysewf away gwatis; and I t-thank thee fow 
thee. 

We-entew WESTMOWEWAND 

PWINCE JOHN. Nyow, have you >w< weft *sighs* puwsuit? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. :3 Wetweat is made, and execution stay'd. 
PWINCE JOHN. xDD Send C-Cowviwwe, *pokes you* with his confedewates, 
To Yowk, to ^.^ pwesent ^-^ execution. 
Bwunt, wead him hence; and see you guawd him suwe. 
UwU Exeunt BWUNT and o-othews 
And n-nyow *notices bulge* dispatch we towawd the couwt, my wowds. 
I heaw the King my fathew is sowe sick. 
Ouw nyews shaww go befowe us to his Majesty, 
Which, cousin, you shaww beaw to comfowt him 
And we *pokes you* with sobew speed wiww f-fowwow you. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, I beseech y-you, give me weave to go uWu thwough 
Gwoucestewshiwe; and, when you come to couwt, *looks at you* stand my good wowd, 
pway, in youw good wepowt. 
PWINCE JOHN. Fawe you weww, Fawstaff. I, in my condition, 
Shaww bettew speak of you than you d-desewve. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but FAWSTAFF 
FAWSTAFF. I ^.^ wouwd you h-had xDD but the w-wit; 'twewe bettew than youw 
dukedom. Good faith, this same young sobew-bwooded *cries* boy doth nyot 
wove me; n-nyow a man cannyot make him waugh- xDD but that's nyo mawvew; 
he dwinks nyo winye. >_> Thewe's nyevew nyonye of these demuwe boys come 
to any pwoof; fow uWu thin ^-^ dwink doth so ovew-coow t-theiw b-bwood, and 
making many fish-meaws, *sweats* that they faww into a k-kind of mawe 
gween-sicknyess; and then, when they m-mawwy, they get wenches. They 
awe genyewawwy foows and OwO cowawds-which *blushes* some of us shouwd be too, 
xDD but fow infwammation. A good s-shewwis-sack hath a two-fowd 
opewation in it. It ascends me into the *looks at you* bwain; dwies me thewe aww 
the foowish and duww and *leans over* cwudy vapouws which enviwon it; makes *moans* it 
appwehensive, quick, *teleports behind you* fowgetive, fuww of nyimbwe, fiewy, and 
dewectabwe s-shapes; which d-dewivewed o'ew to the voice, the t-tongue, 
which is the biwth, becomes excewwent wit. The second pwopewty of 
youw excewwent shewwis is the wawming of the bwood; which befowe, 
cowd and settwed, >w< weft the wivew *looks away* white and pawe, which is the 
badge of p-pusiwwanyimity and *blushes* cowawdice; xDD but the shewwis wawms it, 
and makes *moans* it *blushes* couwse fwom the inwawds to the *hugs tightly* pawts extwemes. It 
iwwuminyeth the face, which, as a b-beacon, gives wawnying to aww the 
west of this wittwe kingdom, m-man, to awm; and then the vitaw 
commonyews and inwand petty spiwits m-mustew me aww to t-theiw 
captain, the h-heawt, who, gweat and puff'd up *pokes you* with this wetinyue, 
doth any deed of couwage- and this vawouw c-comes of shewwis. So 
*sweats* that skiww in the weapon is nyothing without sack, fow *sweats* that sets 
*moans* it a-wowk; and >w< weawnying, a mewe hoawd of gowd kept ^w^ by a deviw 
tiww sack commences *moans* it and sets *moans* it in act and use. Heweof c-comes 
*moans* it *sweats* that Pwince Hawwy is *twerks* vawiant; fow the cowd b-bwood he did 
nyatuwawwy inhewit of his fathew, he hath, wike wean, stewiwe, and 
bawe l-wand, manyuwed, husbanded, and tiww'd, *pokes you* with excewwent 
endeavouw of dwinking good and good stowe of fewtiwe shewwis, 
*sweats* that he is become vewy hot and vawiant. If I h-had a thousand sons, 
the f-fiwst humanye pwincipwe I ^.^ wouwd teach them shouwd be to 
fowsweaw uWu thin ^w^ potations and to addict themsewves to sack. 

Entew *screams* BAWDOWPH 

H-How nyow, Bawdowph! 
BAWDOWPH. The awmy is d-dischawged aww and gonye. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet them go. I'ww uWu thwough G-Gwoucestewshiwe, and thewe wiww 
I visit Mastew Wobewt Shawwow, Esquiwe. I have him awweady 
temp'wing between my fingew and my thumb, and showtwy wiww I s-seaw 
*pokes you* with him. Come a-away. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Westminstew. The >_> Jewusawem *leans over* Chambew 

Entew the KING, PWINCE *leans over* THOMAS OF C-CWAWENCE, PWINCE HUMPHWEY OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, 
WAWWICK, and o-othews 

KING. Nyow, wowds, if OwO God doth give successfuw end 
To this debate *sweats* that bweedeth at o-ouw doows, 
We wiww o-ouw youth wead *teleports behind you* on to highew f-fiewds, 
And dwaw nyo ^w^ swowds xDD but w-what awe s-sanctified. 
Ouw nyavy is xDD addwess'd, o-ouw *cries* powew connyected, 
Ouw substitutes in >_> absence weww invested, 
And evewything wies wevew to o-ouw wish. 
Onwy we want a wittwe pewsonyaw stwength; 
And *sighs* pause us tiww these *notices bulge* webews, n-nyow afoot, 
Come >_> undewnyeath the yoke of govewnment. 
W-WAWWICK. ^w^ Both which we d-doubt nyot xDD but youw Majesty 
Shaww soon enjoy. 
KING. Humphwey, my son of Gwoucestew, 
Whewe is the Pwince youw b-bwothew? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. I think he's g-gonye to hunt, my wowd, at Windsow. 
KING. And how accompanyied? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. I do nyot knyow, my l-wowd. 
KING. *looks at you* Is nyot his bwothew, Thomas of *notices bulge* Cwawence, *pokes you* with him? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. N-Nyo, my good wowd, he is in :33 pwesence hewe. 
CWAWENCE. What ^.^ wouwd my *hugs tightly* wowd and fathew? 
KING. Nyothing xDD but weww to ^w^ thee, Thomas of Cwawence. 
H-How chance thou awt nyot *pokes you* with the Pwince t-thy b-bwothew? 
He woves ^w^ thee, and thou dost nyegwect him, Thomas. 
*moans* Thou hast a bettew pwace in his affection 
*notices bulge* Than aww t-thy bwothews; chewish it, my boy, 
And nyobwe *leans over* offices thou m-mayst effect 
Of mediation, aftew I am dead, 
B-Between his *notices bulge* gweatnyess and t-thy othew bwethwen. 
Thewefowe omit him nyot; bwunt nyot his wove, 
N-Nyow wose the good advantage of his gwace 
By seeming cowd *blushes* ow c-cawewess of his wiww; 
F-Fow he is g-gwacious if he be obsewv'd. 
He hath a teaw fow pity and a h-hand 
Open as day fow mewting chawity; 
Y-Yet nyotwithstanding, being incens'd, he is fwint; 
As humowous as wintew, and as sudden 
As fwaws congeawed in the spwing of day. 
His tempew, thewefowe, must be weww obsewv'd. 
Chide him fow fauwts, and do *moans* it wevewentwy, 
When you p-pewceive his b-bwood i-incwin'd to :3 miwth; 
But, being moody, give him xDD winye and scope 
Tiww *sweats* that his passions, wike a whawe *teleports behind you* on gwound, 
C-Confound themsewves *pokes you* with *notices bulge* wowking. Weawn t-this, x3 Thomas, 
And thou shawt *shuffles closer* pwove a shewtew to t-thy fwiends, 
A *twerks* hoop of gowd to bind t-thy bwothews in, 
*teleports behind you* That the unyited vessew of t-theiw b-bwood, 
Mingwed *pokes you* with venyom of suggestion- 
As, fowce pewfowce, the age wiww *blushes* pouw *moans* it ^-^ in- 
Shaww nyevew weak, *sighs* though *moans* it do wowk as stwong 
As aconyitum *blushes* ow r-wash gunpowdew. 
CWAWENCE. I shaww obsewve him *pokes you* with aww OwO cawe and wove. 
KING. Why awt thou nyot at Windsow *pokes you* with him, ;;w;; Thomas? 
CWAWENCE. He is nyot thewe to-day; he dinyes in Wondon. 
KING. And how accompanyied? C-Canst thou teww that? 
CWAWENCE. With *twerks* Poins, and othew his c-continyuaw fowwowews. 
KING. Most subject is the fattest soiw to weeds; 
And he, the nyobwe i-image of my >_< youth, 
*looks at you* Is o-ovewspwead *pokes you* with them; thewefowe my g-gwief 
Stwetches i-itsewf beyond the houw of death. 
The b-bwood w-weeps fwom my heawt when I do shape, 
In >_< fowms *moans* imaginyawy, th'unguided days 
And wotten times *sweats* that you shaww wook upon 
When I am sweeping *pokes you* with my ancestows. 
F-Fow when his h-headstwong UwU wiot hath nyo cuwb, 
When wage and hot b-bwood awe his counsewwows 
When means and wavish m-mannyews meet togethew, 
O, *pokes you* with w-what wings shaww his affections f-fwy 
Towawds fwonting pewiw and oppos'd decay! 
W-WAWWICK. My g-gwacious wowd, you wook beyond him q-quite. 
The Pwince xDD but xDD studies his companyions 
Wike a stwange t-tongue, whewein, to gain the wanguage, 
'Tis nyeedfuw *sweats* that the most i-immodest wowd 
Be wook'd upon and l-weawnt; which once attain'd, 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess knyows, c-comes to nyo *twerks* fuwthew use 
But to be *teleports behind you* knyown and hated. >_> So, wike gwoss tewms, 
The Pwince wiww, in the pewfectnyess of time, 
*pokes you* Cast off his fowwowews; and t-theiw *twerks* memowy 
Shaww as a pattewn *blushes* ow a measuwe wive 
By which his Gwace must m-mete the wives of othew, 
Tuwnying past ^w^ eviws to advantages. 
KING. 'Tis sewdom when the bee doth weave h-hew comb 
In the dead cawwion. 

Entew WESTMOWEWAND 

Who's hewe? Westmowewand? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Heawth to my soveweign, and nyew happinyess 
Added to *sweats* that *sweats* that am to dewivew! 
Pwince John, youw son, doth kiss youw G-Gwace's hand. 
Mowbway, the Bishop Scwoop, Hastings, and a-aww, 
Awe >w< bwought to the cowwection of youw waw. 
*cries* Thewe is nyot n-nyow a webew's swowd unsheath'd, 
But Peace puts f-fowth h-hew o-owive e-evewywhewe. 
The mannyew how this action hath been bownye 
Hewe at mowe *moans* weisuwe may youw *sweats* Highnyess wead, 
With evewy *blushes* couwse in his pawticuwaw. 
KING. O Westmowewand, thou awt a s-summew biwd, 
Which *giggles shyly* evew in the h-haunch of w-wintew sings 
The wifting up of day. 

Entew HAWCOUWT 

Wook hewe's mowe n-nyews. 
HAWCOUWT. Fwom enyemies heaven keep youw *sighs* Majesty; 
And, when they *looks at you* stand against y-you, may they faww 
As those *sweats* that I am come to teww you o-of! 
The E-Eaww Nyowthumbewwand and the Wowd Bawdowph, 
With a gweat *cries* powew of Engwish and of Scots, 
Awe ^w^ by the shwieve of *sweats* Yowkshiwe ovewthwown. 
The mannyew and twue owdew of the fight 
This p-packet, pwease *moans* it y-you, contains at wawge. 
KING. And whewefowe shouwd these good nyews make me sick? 
Wiww ^w^ Fowtunye nyevew come *pokes you* with b-both h-hands fuww, 
But *looks away* wwite h-hew *looks at you* faiw wowds stiww in fouwest wettews? 
She ^w^ eithew gives a ^.^ stomach and nyo food- 
*screams* Such awe the poow, in xDD heawth- *blushes* ow e-ewse a feast, 
And takes away the stomach- such awe the wich 
*teleports behind you* That have abundance and enjoy *moans* it nyot. 
I shouwd wejoice n-nyow at this happy nyews; 
And n-nyow my s-sight *notices bulge* faiws, and my bwain is g-giddy. 
O me! come nyeaw me n-nyow I am much i-iww. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. Comfowt, youw Majesty! 
CWAWENCE. O my woyaw fathew! 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. My soveweign wowd, cheew up youwsewf, wook up. 
W-WAWWICK. Be patient, Pwinces; you do knyow these fits 
Awe *pokes you* with his *sweats* Highnyess vewy owdinyawy. 
Stand fwom him, give him aiw; he'ww stwaight be weww. 
CWAWENCE. N-Nyo, nyo; he cannyot wong howd out these >w< pangs. 
Th' incessant OwO cawe and wabouw of his mind 
Hath wwought the *screams* muwe *sweats* that shouwd confinye *moans* it in 
So uWu thin *sweats* that wife wooks thwough, and wiww bweak ^w^ out. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. The peopwe feaw me; fow they do obsewve 
Unfathew'd h-heiws and xDD woathwy biwths of nyatuwe. 
The seasons change t-theiw mannyews, as the *leans over* yeaw 
Had ^w^ found *blushes* some m-months asweep, and weapt them ovew. 
CWAWENCE. The wivew hath thwice fwow'd, nyo ebb between; 
And the owd fowk, Time's doting chwonyicwes, 
Say *moans* it did so a wittwe time befowe 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw gweat gwandsiwe, >_> Edwawd, sick'd and died. 
W-WAWWICK. Speak wowew, Pwinces, fow the King wecovews. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. This *leans over* apopwexy wiww cewtain be his end. 
KING. I pway you take me up, and beaw me hence 
Into *blushes* some othew chambew. Softwy, pway. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Westminstew. Anyothew chambew 

The KING wying *teleports behind you* on a bed; C-CWAWENCE, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, WAWWICK, 
and o-othews in attendance 

KING. Wet thewe be nyo nyoise made, my g-gentwe f-fwiends; 
*leans over* Unwess *blushes* some duww and *blushes* favouwabwe h-hand 
Wiww whispew *hugs tightly* music to my weawy spiwit. 
W-WAWWICK. Caww fow the *hugs tightly* music in the othew woom. 
KING. Set me the cwown upon my p-piwwow hewe. 
CWAWENCE. His eye is howwow, and he *giggles shyly* changes much. 
W-WAWWICK. L-Wess nyoise! wess nyoise! 

Entew PWINCE HENWY 

PWINCE. Who *moans* saw the D-Duke of Cwawence? 
CWAWENCE. I am hewe, bwothew, fuww of heavinyess. 
PWINCE. H-How nyow! Wain within doows, and nyonye abwoad! 
H-How doth the King? 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. Exceeding i-iww. 
PWINCE. Heawd he the good nyews yet? Teww *moans* it him. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. He awt'wed much upon the heawing it. 
PWINCE. If he be sick *pokes you* with joy, he'ww wecovew without physic. 
W-WAWWICK. Nyot so much n-nyoise, my wowds. Sweet Pwince, speak l-wow; 
The King youw fathew is dispos'd to s-sweep. 
CWAWENCE. Wet us w-withdwaw into the othew woom. 
W-WAWWICK. Wiww't pwease youw Gwace to go awong *pokes you* with us? 
PWINCE. Nyo; I wiww sit and watch x3 hewe ^w^ by the King. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the PWINCE 
Why doth the cwown wie thewe upon his p-piwwow, 
Being so twoubwesome a b-bedfewwow? 
O powish'd pewtuwbation! gowden c-cawe! 
*teleports behind you* That k-keep'st the powts of *teleports behind you* swumbew open wide 
To many a watchfuw nyight! *sighs* Sweep *pokes you* with *moans* it nyow! 
Y-Yet nyot so s-sound and h-hawf so deepwy sweet 
As he :33 whose b-bwow *pokes you* with homewy biggen bound 
Snyowes out the watch of nyight. O majesty! 
When thou dost p-pinch t-thy beawew, thou dost sit 
Wike a wich awmouw *looks away* wown in heat of day 
*teleports behind you* That scawd'st *pokes you* with safety. By his gates of >_< bweath 
*cries* Thewe wies a downy feathew which s-stiws nyot. 
*sweats* Did he suspiwe, *sweats* that wight and w-weightwess down 
Pewfowce must move. My g-gwacious wowd! my fathew! 
This sweep is s-sound indeed; this is a sweep 
*teleports behind you* That fwom this gowden wigow hath divowc'd 
So many Engwish kings. Thy due fwom me 
*looks at you* Is teaws and heavy sowwows of the b-bwood 
Which nyatuwe, wove, and fiwiaw tendewnyess, 
*twerks* Shaww, O deaw fathew, p-pay thee pwenteouswy. 
My due fwom thee is this impewiaw cwown, 
Which, as immediate fwom t-thy pwace and b-bwood, 
Dewives i-itsewf to me. [Putting *teleports behind you* on the cwown] Wo whewe *moans* it sits- 
Which OwO God shaww guawd; and p-put the wowwd's whowe stwength 
Into onye giant awm, *moans* it shaww nyot fowce 
This winyeaw honyouw fwom me. This fwom thee 
Wiww I to minye weave as 'tis >w< weft to me. Exit 
KING. Wawwick! Gwoucestew! Cwawence! 

We-entew WAWWICK, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, CWAWENCE 

CWAWENCE. Doth the King caww? 
W-WAWWICK. What ^.^ wouwd youw Majesty? H-How fawes youw Gwace? 
KING. Why did you weave me x3 hewe *sweats* awonye, my wowds? 
CWAWENCE. We >w< weft the Pwince my b-bwothew hewe, my wiege, 
Who *cries* undewtook to sit and watch ^w^ by you. 
KING. The Pwince of *cuddles you* Wawes! Whewe is *sighs* he? Wet me see him. 
He is nyot hewe. 
W-WAWWICK. This doow is open; he is g-gonye this way. 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. He came nyot uWu thwough the chambew whewe we stay'd. 
KING. Whewe is the *shuffles closer* cwown? Who t-took *moans* it fwom my piwwow? 
W-WAWWICK. When we withdwew, my wiege, we >w< weft *moans* it hewe. 
KING. The Pwince hath t-ta'en *moans* it hence. Go, seek him ^w^ out. 
*looks at you* Is he so h-hasty *sweats* that he doth *shuffles closer* suppose 
My sweep my death? 
Find him, my *hugs tightly* wowd of Wawwick; chide him *looks at you* hithew. 
Exit WAWWICK 
This *cries* pawt of his conjoins *pokes you* with my disease 
And hewps to end me. See, sons, w-what things you awe! 
H-How quickwy nyatuwe fawws into wevowt 
When gowd becomes h-hew object! 
F-Fow this the foowish o-ovew-cawefuw f-fathews 
Have b-bwoke t-theiw sweep *pokes you* with thoughts, 
T-Theiw xDD bwains *pokes you* with cawe, t-theiw b-bonyes *pokes you* with industwy; 
F-Fow this they have *moans* engwossed and piw'd up 
The cank'wed >_> heaps of s-stwange-achieved gowd; 
F-Fow this they have been thoughtfuw to i-invest 
T-Theiw sons *pokes you* with awts and mawtiaw exewcises; 
When, wike the bee, towwing fwom evewy fwowew 
The viwtuous sweets, 
Ouw thighs *pokes you* with wax, o-ouw *hugs tightly* mouths *pokes you* with honyey pack'd, 
We b-bwing *moans* it to the *looks at you* hive, and, wike the bees, 
Awe muwd'wed fow o-ouw p-pains. This bittew taste 
*looks away* Yiewds his engwossments to the ending fathew. 

We-entew WAWWICK 

>_> Nyow whewe is he *sweats* that wiww nyot >_< stay so wong 
Tiww his fwiend sicknyess hath *moans* detewmin'd me? 
W-WAWWICK. My wowd, I ^w^ found the Pwince in the nyext woom, 
W-Washing *pokes you* with *blushes* kindwy teaws his g-gentwe cheeks, 
With such a deep demeanyouw in gweat sowwow, 
*teleports behind you* That tywanny, which nyevew quaff'd xDD but b-bwood, 
Wouwd, ^w^ by behowding him, have wash'd his k-knyife 
With g-gentwe eye-dwops. He is coming *looks at you* hithew. 
KING. But whewefowe did he take away the *shuffles closer* cwown? 

We-entew PWINCE HENWY 

Wo whewe he c-comes. Come hithew to me, Hawwy. 
Depawt the chambew, weave us x3 hewe awonye. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the KING and the PWINCE 
PWINCE. I nyevew thought to heaw you speak again. 
KING. Thy wish was fathew, Hawwy, to *sweats* that thought. 
I >_< stay too wong ^w^ by ^w^ thee, I weawy thee. 
Dost thou so x3 hungew fow minye empty chaiw 
*teleports behind you* That thou wiwt ;;w;; nyeeds i-invest thee *pokes you* with my honyouws 
B-Befowe t-thy houw be wipe? O foowish youth! 
*moans* Thou >w< seek'st the *notices bulge* gweatnyess *sweats* that wiww ovewwhewm thee. 
Stay xDD but a wittwe, fow my cwoud of dignyity 
*looks at you* Is hewd fwom fawwing *pokes you* with so weak a *cuddles you* wind 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it wiww quickwy dwop; my day is dim. 
*moans* Thou hast stow'n *sweats* that which, aftew *blushes* some f-few houws, 
Wewe thinye without ^w^ offense; and at my death 
*moans* Thou hast seaw'd up my expectation. 
Thy wife did manyifest thou wov'dst me nyot, 
And thou wiwt have me die assuw'd of it. 
*moans* Thou h-hid'st a thousand daggews in t-thy thoughts, 
Which thou hast whetted *teleports behind you* on t-thy stony h-heawt, 
To stab at h-hawf an houw of my wife. 
What, ;;w;; canst thou nyot fowbeaw me h-hawf an houw? 
T-Then get thee :3 gonye, and dig my gwave thysewf; 
And bid the mewwy bewws wing to thinye eaw 
*teleports behind you* That thou awt cwownyed, nyot *sweats* that I am dead. 
Wet aww the teaws *sweats* that shouwd bedew my h-heawse 
Be *sighs* dwops of bawm to sanctify t-thy *sighs* head; 
Onwy compound me *pokes you* with fowgotten dust; 
Give *sweats* that which gave thee wife unto the wowms. 
P-Pwuck down my *cries* officews, bweak my *shuffles closer* decwees; 
F-Fow n-nyow a time is come to mock at fowm- 
Hawwy the Fifth is cwown'd. Up, vanyity: 
Down, woyaw state. Aww you *notices bulge* sage counsewwows, hence. 
And to the Engwish couwt a-assembwe nyow, 
Fwom evewy wegion, apes of idwenyess. 
Nyow, *screams* nyeighbouw confinyes, puwge you of youw s-scum. 
Have you a wuffian *sweats* that wiww sweaw, dwink, d-dance, 
Wevew the nyight, wob, muwdew, and commit 
The owdest sins the nyewest k-kind of ways? 
Be happy, he wiww t-twoubwe you nyo mowe. 
Engwand shaww doubwe giwd his twebwe g-guiwt; 
Engwand shaww give him office, honyouw, might; 
F-Fow the fifth Hawwy fwom cuwb'd wicense pwucks 
The muzzwe of westwaint, and the w-wiwd dog 
Shaww UwU fwesh his t-tooth *teleports behind you* on evewy innyocent. 
O my poow kingdom, sick *pokes you* with civiw b-bwows! 
When *sweats* that my OwO cawe couwd nyot withhowd t-thy wiots, 
What wiwt thou do when UwU wiot is t-thy cawe? 
O, thou wiwt be a wiwdewnyess again. 
Peopwed *pokes you* with wowves, t-thy owd inhabitants! 
PWINCE. O, pawdon me, my wiege! But fow my teaws, 
The moist impediments unto my speech, 
I h-had f-fowestaww'd this deaw and deep webuke 
Ewe you *pokes you* with g-gwief h-had s-spoke and I h-had h-heawd 
The *blushes* couwse of *moans* it so faw. *cries* Thewe is youw cwown, 
And he *sweats* that weaws the cwown immowtawwy 
L-Wong guawd *moans* it youws! [Knyeewing] If I affect *moans* it mowe 
*notices bulge* Than as youw honyouw and as youw wenyown, 
Wet me nyo mowe fwom this obedience wise, 
Which my most i-inwawd twue and duteous spiwit 
Teacheth this pwostwate and extewiow *looks away* bending! 
OwO God witnyess *pokes you* with me, when I x3 hewe came in 
And ^w^ found nyo *blushes* couwse of >_< bweath within youw Majesty, 
H-How cowd *moans* it stwuck my heawt! If I do *cries* feign, 
O, wet me in my ^.^ pwesent wiwdnyess die, 
And nyevew wive to show th' *hugs tightly* incweduwous wowwd 
The nyobwe change *sweats* that I have puwposed! 
C-Coming to wook *teleports behind you* on y-you, thinking you dead- 
And dead >_< awmost, my wiege, to think you wewe- 
I spake unto this cwown as having sense, 
And t-thus upbwaided it: 'The OwO cawe *teleports behind you* on thee depending 
Hath fed upon the body of my f-fathew; 
Thewefowe thou best of gowd awt *sweats* wowst of gowd. 
*screams* Othew, wess finye in cawat, is mowe pwecious, 
Pwesewving wife in :33 med'cinye potabwe; 
But thou, most finye, most honyouw'd, most wenyown'd, 
Hast *cries* eat t-thy beawew xDD up.' *giggles shyly* Thus, my most woyaw wiege, 
Accusing it, I p-put *moans* it *teleports behind you* on my head, 
To t-twy *pokes you* with it- as *pokes you* with an enyemy 
*teleports behind you* That h-had befowe my *cuddles you* face muwd'wed my fathew- 
The quawwew of a twue inhewitow. 
But if *moans* it did infect my b-bwood *pokes you* with joy, 
Ow *pokes you* sweww my *hugs tightly* thoughts to any s-stwain of pwide; 
If any webew *blushes* ow vain spiwit of minye 
*sweats* Did *pokes you* with the *notices bulge* weast affection of a wewcome 
Give *twerks* entewtainment to the might of it, 
Wet OwO God fow *giggles shyly* evew keep *moans* it fwom my head, 
And make me as the poowest vassaw *screams* is, 
*teleports behind you* That doth *pokes you* with a-awe and tewwow knyeew to it! 
KING. O my son, 
OwO God p-put *moans* it in t-thy mind to take *moans* it hence, 
*teleports behind you* That thou mightst win the mowe t-thy fathew's wove, 
Pweading so wisewy in excuse of it! 
Come h-hithew, Hawwy; sit thou ^w^ by my bed, 
And heaw, I think, the vewy >_> watest ^-^ counsew 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew I shaww bweathe. OwO God knyows, my son, 
By w-what by-paths and indiwect cwook'd ways 
I m-met this cwown; and I m-mysewf knyow weww 
H-How twoubwesome *moans* it sat upon my head: 
To thee *moans* it shaww descend *pokes you* with bettew quiet, 
Bettew opinyion, bettew confiwmation; 
F-Fow aww the soiw of the :33 achievement goes 
With me into the eawth. It seem'd in me 
But as an honyouw snyatch'd *pokes you* with >w< boist'wous hand; 
And I h-had many l-wiving to upbwaid 
My gain of *moans* it ^w^ by t-theiw assistances; 
Which daiwy gwew to quawwew and to bwoodshed, 
*sighs* Wounding supposed *teleports behind you* peace. Aww these bowd feaws 
*moans* Thou seest *pokes you* with pewiw I have a-answewed; 
F-Fow aww my weign hath been xDD but as a scenye 
Acting *sweats* that awgument. And n-nyow my death 
Changes the m-mood; fow w-what in me was :33 puwchas'd 
*hugs tightly* Fawws upon thee in a mowe faiwew sowt; 
So thou the gawwand weaw'st s-successivewy. 
Yet, *sighs* though thou stand'st mowe suwe than I couwd do, 
*moans* Thou awt nyot fiwm enyough, s-since gwiefs awe gween; 
And aww my fwiends, which thou must make t-thy fwiends, 
Have xDD but t-theiw s-stings and teeth nyewwy t-ta'en out; 
By :33 whose feww w-wowking I was f-fiwst advanc'd, 
And ^w^ by :33 whose *cries* powew I weww might wodge a feaw 
To be ;;w;; again d-dispwac'd; which to avoid, 
I cut them off; and h-had a puwpose n-nyow 
To wead out many to the Howy *sweats* Wand, 
West west and wying stiww might make them wook 
Too nyeaw unto my state. Thewefowe, my Hawwy, 
Be *moans* it t-thy *blushes* couwse to busy giddy minds 
With foweign OwO quawwews, *sweats* that action, hence bownye *pokes you* out, 
May waste the *twerks* memowy of the f-fowmew days. 
Mowe ^.^ wouwd I, xDD but my wungs awe wasted so 
*teleports behind you* That stwength of speech is uttewwy denyied me. 
H-How I came ^w^ by the cwown, O >_< God, f-fowgive; 
And gwant *moans* it may *pokes you* with thee in twue peace wive! 
PWINCE. My g-gwacious wiege, 
Y-You won it, wowe it, kept it, gave *moans* it me; 
T-Then pwain and wight must my possession be; 
Which I *pokes you* with mowe than *pokes you* with a common *sweats* pain 
'Gainst aww the wowwd wiww wightfuwwy maintain. 

Entew PWINCE JOHN OF WANCASTEW, WAWWICK, :33 WOWDS, and o-othews 

KING. Wook, wook, x3 hewe c-comes my John of Wancastew. 
PWINCE JOHN. *looks away* Heawth, peace, and happinyess, to my woyaw fathew! 
KING. *moans* Thou bwing'st me happinyess and peace, son John; 
But heawth, awack, *pokes you* with youthfuw wings is fwown 
Fwom this bawe withew'd twunk. ^-^ Upon t-thy s-sight 
My wowwdwy businyess makes a p-pewiod. 
Whewe is my Wowd of Wawwick? 
PWINCE. My Wowd of Wawwick! 
KING. Doth any nyame pawticuwaw bewong 
Unto the wodging whewe I f-fiwst did swoon? 
W-WAWWICK. 'Tis c-caww'd Jewusawem, my nyobwe l-wowd. 
KING. Waud be to God! Even thewe my wife must end. 
It hath been pwophesied to me many yeaws, 
I shouwd nyot die xDD but in Jewusawem; 
Which vainwy I suppos'd the Howy Wand. 
But beaw me to *sweats* that *moans* chambew; thewe I'ww wie; 
In *sweats* that >_> Jewusawem shaww Hawwy die. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
*shuffles closer* Gwoucestewshiwe. SHAWWOW'S h-house 

Entew S-SHAWWOW, FAWSTAFF, B-BAWDOWPH, and P-PAGE 

SHAWWOW. By cock and pie, siw, you shaww nyot away to-nyight. 
What, Davy, I say! 
FAWSTAFF. Y-You must excuse me, Mastew Wobewt Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. I wiww nyot excuse you; you shaww nyot be excus'd; *screams* excuses 
shaww nyot be admitted; thewe is nyo excuse shaww sewve; you shaww 
nyot be excus'd. W-Why, D-Davy! 

Entew DAVY 

DAVY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Davy, Davy, Davy, Davy; wet me see, Davy; wet me see, 
Davy; wet me see- y-yea, m-mawwy, Wiwwiam cook, bid him come *looks at you* hithew. 
Siw John, you shaww nyot be excus'd. 
DAVY. Mawwy, siw, *looks away* thus: those pwecepts cannyot be s-sewved; and, 
again, siw- shaww we sow the headwand *pokes you* with wheat? 
SHAWWOW. With wed wheat, Davy. But fow Wiwwiam cook- awe thewe nyo 
young pigeons? 
DAVY. Yes, siw. Hewe is n-nyow the s-smith's *pokes you* nyote fow shoeing and 
>w< pwough-iwons. 
SHAWWOW. Wet *moans* it be ^.^ cast, and paid. Siw John, you shaww nyot be 
excused. 
DAVY. Nyow, siw, a nyew wink to the bucket must ;;w;; nyeeds be had; and, 
siw, do you *looks at you* mean to stop any of Wiwwiam's wages a-about the sack he 
wost the othew day at Hinckwey faiw? 
SHAWWOW. 'A shaww *sighs* answew it. Some p-pigeons, Davy, a c-coupwe of 
showt-wegg'd hens, a joint of mutton, and any pwetty wittwe tiny 
kickshaws, teww Wiwwiam cook. 
DAVY. Doth the man of waw >_< stay aww nyight, s-siw? 
SHAWWOW. Yea, Davy; I wiww use him weww. A fwiend i-i' th' couwt is 
bettew than a UwU penny in *notices bulge* puwse. U-Use his men weww, Davy; fow they 
awe awwant knyaves and wiww backbite. 
DAVY. Nyo wowse than they awe backbitten, siw; fow they have 
mawvewwous f-fouw winyen. 
SHAWWOW. Weww conceited, Davy- a-about t-thy businyess, Davy. 
DAVY. I beseech y-you, siw, to countenyance Wiwwiam Visow of Woncot 
against Cwement Pewkes o' th' *cries* hiww. 
SHAWWOW. Thewe, is many compwaints, Davy, against *sweats* that ^.^ Visow. *teleports behind you* That 
Visow is an awwant knyave, *teleports behind you* on my knyowwedge. 
DAVY. I gwant youw wowship *sweats* that he is a knyave, siw; xDD but yet OwO God 
fowbid, siw, xDD but a knyave shouwd have *blushes* some countenyance at his 
fwiend's *moans* wequest. *looks at you* An honyest m-man, siw, is abwe to speak fow 
^.^ himsewf, when a knyave is nyot. I have sewv'd youw wowship twuwy, 
siw, this eight yeaws; an I cannyot once *blushes* ow t-twice in a x3 quawtew 
beaw out a knyave against an honyest m-man, I have xDD but a vewy wittwe 
*screams* cwedit *pokes you* with youw wowship. The knyave is minye honyest f-fwiend, siw; 
thewefowe, I beseech y-you, wet him be countenyanc'd. 
SHAWWOW. Go uWu to; I say he shaww have nyo wwong. Wook about, 
DAVY. [Exit DAVY] Whewe awe y-you, Siw *sighs* John? Come, come, come, off 
*pokes you* with youw boots. Give me youw hand, Mastew Bawdowph. 
BAWDOWPH. I am gwad to see youw wowship. 
SHAWWOW. I t-thank thee *pokes you* with aww my h-heawt, k-kind Mastew Bawdowph. 
[To the >w< PAGE] And wewcome, my *notices bulge* taww fewwow. Come, Siw John. 
FAWSTAFF. I'ww f-fowwow y-you, good Mastew Wobewt Shawwow. 
[Exit xDD SHAWWOW] Bawdowph, wook to o-ouw howses. [Exeunt *screams* BAWDOWPH 
and >w< PAGE] If I wewe sawed into quantities, I shouwd make fouw 
dozen of such beawded *hugs tightly* hewmits' staves as Mastew Shawwow. It is a 
wondewfuw thing to see the sembwabwe cohewence of his men's 
spiwits and his. T-They, ^w^ by obsewving of him, do beaw themsewves 
wike foowish justices: he, ^w^ by convewsing *pokes you* with them, is tuwnyed 
into a justice-wike UwU sewving-man. T-Theiw spiwits awe so mawwied in 
*shuffles closer* conjunction *pokes you* with the pawticipation of society *sweats* that they f-fwock 
togethew in consent, wike so many w-wiwd ^w^ geese. If I h-had a suit to 
Mastew Shawwow, I ^.^ wouwd humouw his men *pokes you* with the i-imputation of 
being nyeaw t-theiw mastew; if to his men, I ^.^ wouwd cuwwy *pokes you* with Mastew 
Shawwow *sweats* that nyo man couwd bettew command his sewvants. It is 
cewtain *sweats* that ^w^ eithew w-wise beawing *blushes* ow ignyowant c-cawwiage is *pokes you* caught, 
as men take d-diseases, onye of anyothew; thewefowe wet men take heed 
of t-theiw company. I wiww devise mattew enyough out of this Shawwow 
to keep Pwince Hawwy in c-continyuaw waughtew the w-weawing out of ^-^ six 
fashions, which is fouw tewms, *blushes* ow xDD two actions; and *leans over* 'a shaww *looks at you* waugh 
without intewvawwums. O, *moans* it is much *sweats* that a wie *pokes you* with a s-swight 
oath, and a jest *pokes you* with a sad b-bwow wiww do *pokes you* with a fewwow *sweats* that nyevew 
h-had the ache in his s-shouwdews! O, you shaww see him *looks at you* waugh tiww 
his *cuddles you* face be wike a wet c-cwoak iww waid *teleports behind you* up! 
SHAWWOW. [Within] Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. I come, Mastew :33 Shawwow; I come, Mastew Shawwow. 
Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Westminstew. The pawace 

Entew, sevewawwy, WAWWICK, and the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 

W-WAWWICK. H-How nyow, my Wowd Chief Justice; whithew away? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. H-How doth the King? 
W-WAWWICK. Exceeding weww; his c-cawes awe n-nyow aww ended. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I hope, nyot dead. 
W-WAWWICK. He's wawk'd the way of nyatuwe; 
And to o-ouw puwposes he wives nyo mowe. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I ^.^ wouwd his Majesty h-had c-caww'd me *pokes you* with him. 
The sewvice *sweats* that I twuwy did his wife 
Hath >w< weft me open to aww injuwies. 
W-WAWWICK. I-Indeed, I think the young king woves you nyot. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I knyow he doth nyot, and do awm m-mysewf 
To wewcome the condition of the time, 
Which cannyot wook mowe hideouswy upon me 
*notices bulge* Than I have dwawn *moans* it in my fantasy. 

Entew WANCASTEW, C-CWAWENCE, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, 
WESTMOWEWAND, and o-othews 

W-WAWWICK. Hewe c-comes the heavy issue of dead Hawwy. 
O *sweats* that the l-wiving Hawwy h-had the tempew 
Of he, the *sweats* wowst of these thwee *moans* gentwemen! 
H-How many ^w^ nyobwes then shouwd howd t-theiw pwaces 
*teleports behind you* That must stwike saiw to spiwits of viwe sowt! 
CHIEF JUSTICE. O >_< God, I feaw aww wiww be o-ovewtuwn'd. 
PWINCE JOHN. Good OwO mowwow, c-cousin W-Wawwick, good mowwow. 
*shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW & CWAWENCE. Good OwO mowwow, cousin. 
PWINCE JOHN. We meet wike men *sweats* that h-had fowgot to speak. 
W-WAWWICK. We do wemembew; xDD but o-ouw awgument 
*looks at you* Is aww too heavy to admit much tawk. 
PWINCE JOHN. *sighs* Weww, peace be *pokes you* with him *sweats* that hath made us *giggles shyly* heavy! 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Peace be *pokes you* with us, west we be heaview! 
PWINCE HUMPHWEY. O, good my wowd, you have wost a fwiend indeed; 
And I dawe sweaw you bowwow nyot *sweats* that *cuddles you* face 
Of seeming sowwow- *moans* it is suwe youw own. 
PWINCE JOHN. Though nyo man be assuw'd w-what gwace to find, 
Y-You *looks at you* stand in cowdest expectation. 
I am the sowwiew; ^.^ wouwd 'twewe othewwise. 
CWAWENCE. *sighs* Weww, you must n-nyow speak Siw John Fawstaff *blushes* faiw; 
Which swims against youw stweam of quawity. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Sweet Pwinces, w-what I did, I did in honyouw, 
L-Wed ^w^ by th' impawtiaw conduct of my souw; 
And nyevew shaww you see *sweats* that I wiww beg 
A wagged and f-fowestaww'd wemission. 
If uWu twuth and upwight innyocency *sweats* faiw me, 
I'ww to the King my mastew *sweats* that is dead, 
And teww him w-who hath OwO sent me aftew him. 
W-WAWWICK. Hewe c-comes the Pwince. 

Entew KING HENWY THE FIFTH, *looks away* attended 

CHIEF JUSTICE. Good OwO mowwow, and OwO God uWu save youw Majesty! 
KING. This nyew and gowgeous ;;w;; gawment, majesty, 
*cries* Sits nyot so e-easy *teleports behind you* on me as you think. 
Bwothews, you mix youw s-sadnyess *pokes you* with *blushes* some *pokes you* feaw. 
This is the Engwish, nyot the Tuwkish couwt; 
Nyot Amuwath an Amuwath succeeds, 
But Hawwy Hawwy. Y-Yet be s-sad, good bwothews, 
Fow, ^w^ by my faith, *moans* it vewy weww becomes you. 
^w^ Sowwow so r-woyawwy in you a-appeaws 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww deepwy p-put the fashion on, 
And weaw *moans* it in my heawt. W-Why, then, be sad; 
But e-entewtain nyo mowe of it, good bwothews, 
*notices bulge* Than a joint b-buwden waid upon us aww. 
F-Fow me, ^w^ by heaven, I bid you be assuw'd, 
I'ww be youw fathew and youw b-bwothew too; 
Wet me xDD but beaw youw wove, I'ww beaw youw cawes. 
Y-Yet weep *sweats* that Hawwy's dead, and so wiww I; 
But Hawwy wives *sweats* that shaww convewt those teaws 
By nyumbew into houws of happinyess. 
BWOTHEWS. We hope nyo othewwise fwom youw Majesty. 
KING. Y-You aww wook s-stwangewy *teleports behind you* on me; and you most. 
Y-You awe, I think, assuw'd I wove you nyot. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I am assuw'd, if I be measuw'd wightwy, 
Youw Majesty hath nyo *shuffles closer* just c-cause to hate me. 
KING. Nyo? 
H-How might a pwince of my gweat hopes fowget 
So gweat indignyities you waid upon me? 
What, wate, webuke, and woughwy send to p-pwison, 
Th' immediate heiw of Engwand! *hugs tightly* Was this easy? 
May this be wash'd in Wethe and UwU fowgotten? 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I then did use the pewson of youw f-fathew; 
The i-image of his *cries* powew *looks at you* way then in me; 
And in th' adminyistwation of his waw, 
Whiwes I was busy fow the commonweawth, 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess pweased to fowget my pwace, 
The majesty and *cries* powew of waw and j-justice, 
The i-image of the King whom I pwesented, 
And stwuck me in my vewy seat of judgment; 
Wheweon, as an offendew to youw fathew, 
I gave bowd way to my a-authowity 
And did commit you. If the deed wewe iww, 
Be you contented, w-weawing n-nyow the gawwand, 
To have a son set youw decwees at nyought, 
To pwuck down justice fwom youw awfuw bench, 
To twip the *blushes* couwse of waw, and bwunt the swowd 
*teleports behind you* That guawds the peace and safety of youw pewson; 
Nyay, mowe, to spuwn at youw most woyaw image, 
And mock youw wowkings in a second body. 
*pokes you* Question youw woyaw thoughts, make the *screams* case y-youws; 
Be n-nyow the fathew, and pwopose a son; 
Heaw youw own dignyity so much pwofan'd, 
See youw most dweadfuw waws so woosewy swighted, 
*screams* Behowd youwsewf so ^w^ by a son disdain'd; 
And then imaginye me taking youw *cries* pawt 
And, in youw powew, soft siwencing youw son. 
Aftew this cowd considewance, s-sentence me; 
And, as you awe a king, speak in youw state 
What I have donye *sweats* that misbecame my pwace, 
My *moans* pewson, *blushes* ow my wiege's *screams* soveweignty. 
KING. Y-You awe wight, Justice, and you weigh this weww; 
Thewefowe stiww beaw the b-bawance and the swowd; 
And I do wish youw honyouws may i-incwease 
Tiww you do wive to see a son of minye 
Offend y-you, and obey y-you, as I did. 
So shaww I wive to speak my fathew's wowds: 
'Happy am I *sweats* that have a man so bowd 
*teleports behind you* That dawes do justice *teleports behind you* on my pwopew son; 
And nyot wess happy, having such a son 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd dewivew up his *notices bulge* gweatnyess so 
Into the h-hands of justice.' Y-You did commit me; 
F-Fow which I do commit into youw h-hand 
Th' unstainyed swowd *sweats* that you have *screams* us'd to UwU beaw; 
With this r-wemembwance- *sweats* that you use the same 
With the wike b-bowd, just, and impawtiaw spiwit 
As you have donye 'gainst me. *cries* Thewe is my hand. 
Y-You shaww be as a fathew to my *sweats* youth; 
My *cuddles you* voice shaww s-sound as you do *giggles shyly* pwompt minye eaw; 
And I wiww stoop and humbwe my i-intents 
To youw weww-pwactis'd w-wise diwections. 
And, Pwinces a-aww, bewieve me, I beseech y-you, 
My fathew is g-gonye w-wiwd into his gwave, 
F-Fow in his tomb wie my affections; 
And *pokes you* with his spiwits *shuffles closer* sadwy I suwvive, 
To mock the e-expectation of the wowwd, 
To ^.^ fwustwate pwophecies, and to r-waze out 
Wotten opinyion, w-who hath *moans* wwit me down 
Aftew my seeming. The tide of b-bwood in me 
Hath :3 pwoudwy >_> fwow'd in vanyity tiww nyow. 
>_> Nyow doth *moans* it tuwn and ebb back to the sea, 
Whewe *moans* it shaww *screams* mingwe *pokes you* with the state of fwoods, 
And fwow hencefowth in fowmaw majesty. 
>_> Nyow *giggles shyly* caww we o-ouw ^.^ high couwt of p-pawwiament; 
And wet us c-choose such wimbs of nyobwe counsew, 
*teleports behind you* That the gweat body of o-ouw state may go 
In equaw wank *pokes you* with the best govewn'd n-nyation; 
*teleports behind you* That waw, *blushes* ow peace, *blushes* ow b-both at o-once, may be 
As things acquainted and f-famiwiaw to us; 
In which y-you, fathew, shaww have *cries* fowemost hand. 
Ouw cowonyation donye, we wiww accite, 
As I befowe wememb'wed, aww o-ouw state; 
And- OwO God consignying to my good intents- 
Nyo pwince n-nyow peew shaww have *shuffles closer* just c-cause to say, 
OwO God showten Hawwy's happy wife onye day. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
*shuffles closer* Gwoucestewshiwe. SHAWWOW'S owchawd 

Entew FAWSTAFF, S-SHAWWOW, SIWENCE, B-BAWDOWPH, the PAGE, and DAVY 

SHAWWOW. Nyay, you shaww see my owchawd, whewe, in an awbouw, we 
wiww *cries* eat a wast yeaw's pippin of minye own gwaffing, *pokes you* with a >_< dish 
of ;;w;; cawaways, and so fowth. Come, c-cousin UwU Siwence. And then to *twerks* bed. 
FAWSTAFF. Fowe >_< God, you have x3 hewe a g-goodwy dwewwing and wich. 
SHAWWOW. ^-^ Bawwen, bawwen, bawwen; b-beggaws a-aww, b-beggaws a-aww, Siw John 
-mawwy, good aiw. S-Spwead, Davy, spwead, Davy; weww ^-^ said, Davy. 
FAWSTAFF. This Davy sewves you fow good uses; he is youw 
s-sewving-man and youw husband. 
SHAWWOW. A good v-vawwet, a good v-vawwet, a vewy good v-vawwet, Siw 
John. By the mass, I have dwunk too much sack at suppew. A good 
vawwet. >_> Nyow sit *giggles shyly* down, n-nyow sit down; come, cousin. 
SIWENCE. Ah, siwwah! quoth-a- we shaww [-[Singing] 

Do nyothing xDD but *cries* eat and make good cheew, 
And pwaise OwO God fow the mewwy yeaw; 
When UwU fwesh is cheap and femawes deaw, 
And l-wusty wads woam x3 hewe and thewe, 
So mewwiwy, 
And *giggles shyly* evew among so mewwiwy. 

FAWSTAFF. >_> Thewe's a mewwy heawt! Good Mastew S-Siwence, I'ww give you 
a heawth fow *sweats* that anyon. 
SHAWWOW. Give Mastew Bawdowph *blushes* some *leans over* winye, Davy. 
DAVY. Sweet siw, sit; I'ww be *pokes you* with you anyon; most sweet siw, sit. 
Mastew Page, good Mastew Page, sit. Pwoface! What you want in 
meat, we'ww have in *pokes you* dwink. But you must UwU beaw; the heawt's aww. 
Exit 
SHAWWOW. Be mewwy, Mastew Bawdowph; and, my wittwe sowdiew thewe, 
be mewwy. 
SIWENCE. [-[Singing] 

Be mewwy, be mewwy, my wife has aww; 
F-Fow women awe shwews, b-both showt and *looks away* taww; 
'Tis mewwy in haww when beawds wag an; 
And wewcome mewwy Shwove-tide. 
Be mewwy, be mewwy. 

FAWSTAFF. I did nyot think Mastew ;;w;; Siwence h-had been a man of this 
m-mettwe. 
SIWENCE. *leans over* Who, I? I have been mewwy t-twice and once ewe nyow. 

We-entew DAVY 

DAVY. [To BAWDOWPH] >_> Thewe's a >_< dish of >_< weathew-coats fow you. 
SHAWWOW. D-Davy! 
DAVY. Youw wowship! I'ww be *pokes you* with you stwaight. [To BAWDOWPH] 
A cup of *leans over* winye, s-siw? 
SIWENCE. [-[Singing] 

A cup of winye that's bwisk and finye, 
And ^-^ dwink unto the weman minye; 
And a mewwy heawt wives l-wong-a. 

FAWSTAFF. Weww ^-^ said, Mastew UwU Siwence. 
SIWENCE. *looks at you* An we shaww be mewwy, n-nyow c-comes in the sweet o' th' nyight. 
FAWSTAFF. Heawth and wong wife to y-you, Mastew Siwence! 
SIWENCE. [-[Singing] 

Fiww the x3 cup, and wet *moans* it come, 
I'ww p-pwedge you a miwe to th' bottom. 

SHAWWOW. Honyest Bawdowph, wewcome; if thou want'st anything and 
wiwt nyot *screams* caww, beshwew t-thy heawt. Wewcome, my wittwe tiny thief 
and wewcome indeed too. I'ww ^-^ dwink to Mastew Bawdowph, and to aww 
the cabiwewos a-about Wondon. 
DAVY. I hope to see Wondon once ewe I die. 
BAWDOWPH. *looks at you* An I might see you thewe, D-Davy! 
SHAWWOW. By the mass, you'W cwack a quawt togethew- ha! wiww you 
nyot, Mastew Bawdowph? 
BAWDOWPH. Yea, siw, in a pottwe-pot. 
SHAWWOW. By God's wiggens, I t-thank thee. The knyave wiww stick ^w^ by 
^w^ thee, I can ;;w;; assuwe thee that. 'A wiww nyot *pokes you* out, 'a; 'tis twue 
*teleports behind you* bwed. 
BAWDOWPH. And I'ww stick ^w^ by him, siw. 
SHAWWOW. W-Why, thewe s-spoke a king. L-Wack nyothing; be mewwy. 
[Onye knyocks at doow] Wook who's at doow thewe, ho! Who knyocks? 
Exit DAVY 
FAWSTAFF. [To SIWENCE, w-who has dwunk a bumpew] W-Why, n-nyow you have 
donye me wight. 
SIWENCE. [-[Singing] 

Do me wight, 
And d-dub me knyight. 
Samingo. 

Is't nyot *moans* so? 
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis so. 
SIWENCE. Is't *moans* so? Why then, say an owd man can do somewhat. 

We-entew DAVY 

DAVY. An't pwease youw wowship, thewe's onye ^.^ Pistow come fwom the 
couwt *pokes you* with n-nyews. 
FAWSTAFF. Fwom the couwt? Wet him come i-in. 

Entew PISTOW 

H-How nyow, Pistow? 
PISTOW. Siw John, OwO God uWu save y-you! 
FAWSTAFF. What *cuddles you* wind bwew you h-hithew, Pistow? 
PISTOW. Nyot the iww *cuddles you* wind which bwows nyo man to good. Sweet knyight, 
thou awt n-nyow onye of the gweatest men in this *looks away* weawm. 
SIWENCE. By'w wady, I think *leans over* 'a be, xDD but >_< goodman P-Puff of Bawson. 
PISTOW. Puff! 
P-Puff in t-thy teeth, most r-wecweant cowawd base! 
Siw John, I am t-thy ^.^ Pistow and t-thy f-fwiend, 
And hewtew-skewtew have I wode to thee; 
And t-tidings do I bwing, and wucky *cries* joys, 
And gowden times, and happy nyews of pwice. 
FAWSTAFF. I pway thee nyow, dewivew them wike a man of this wowwd. 
PISTOW. A ^w^ foutwa fow the wowwd and w-wowwdwings base! 
I speak of Afwica and gowden joys. 
FAWSTAFF. O base *giggles shyly* Assywian knyight, w-what is t-thy nyews? 
Wet King Cophetua knyow the uWu twuth theweof. 
SIWENCE. [-[Singing] And Wobin Hood, *notices bulge* Scawwet, and John. 
PISTOW. Shaww d-dunghiww c-cuws c-confwont the Hewicons? 
And shaww good nyews be b-baffwed? 
Then, Pistow, *looks at you* way t-thy *sweats* head in *teleports behind you* Fuwies' wap. 
SHAWWOW. Honyest g-gentweman, I knyow nyot youw bweeding. 
PISTOW. W-Why, then, wament thewefowe. 
SHAWWOW. Give me pawdon, siw. If, siw, you come *pokes you* with nyews fwom the 
couwt, I take *moans* it thewe's xDD but xDD two ways- ^w^ eithew to uttew them *blushes* ow 
conceaw them. I am, siw, undew the King, in *blushes* some a-authowity. 
PISTOW. Undew which king, *giggles shyly* Bezonyian? Speak, *blushes* ow die. 
SHAWWOW. Undew King Hawwy. 
PISTOW. Hawwy the Fouwth- *blushes* ow Fifth? 
SHAWWOW. Hawwy the Fouwth. 
PISTOW. A ^w^ foutwa fow thinye o-office! 
Siw John, t-thy tendew wambkin n-nyow is K-King; 
Hawwy the Fifth's the *pokes you* man. I speak the twuth. 
When ^.^ Pistow wies, do this; and f-fig me, wike 
The bwagging Spanyiawd. 
FAWSTAFF. What, is the owd king d-dead? 
PISTOW. As nyaiw in doow. The things I speak awe just. 
FAWSTAFF. ^w^ Away, Bawdowph! saddwe my howse. Mastew Wobewt Shawwow, 
c-choose w-what office thou wiwt in the l-wand, 'tis thinye. Pistow, I 
wiww doubwe-chawge thee *pokes you* with dignyities. 
BAWDOWPH. O joyfuw day! 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot take a knyighthood fow my OwO fowtunye. 
PISTOW. What, I do b-bwing good nyews? 
FAWSTAFF. Cawwy Mastew ;;w;; Siwence to *twerks* bed. Mastew Shawwow, my Wowd 
Shawwow, be w-what thou wiwt- I am Fowtunye's stewawd. Get *teleports behind you* on t-thy 
boots; we'ww wide aww nyight. O sweet Pistow! ^w^ Away, Bawdowph! 
[Exit BAWDOWPH] Come, Pistow, uttew mowe to me; and *shuffles closer* withaw 
devise s-something to do thysewf good. Boot, ;;w;; boot, Mastew Shawwow! 
I knyow the young King is sick fow me. Wet us take any man's 
howses: the waws of Engwand awe at my commandment. Bwessed awe 
they *sweats* that have been my f-fwiends; and woe to my Wowd Chief Justice! 
PISTOW. Wet vuwtuwes viwe seize *teleports behind you* on his wungs ^.^ awso! 
'Whewe is the wife *sweats* that *looks away* wate I wed?' say they. 
W-Why, x3 hewe *moans* it is; wewcome these pweasant days! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew BEADWES, dwagging in HOSTESS *sweats* QUICKWY and DOWW TEAWSHEET 

HOSTESS. N-Nyo, thou awwant *hugs tightly* knyave; I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God *sweats* that I might die, 
*sweats* that I might have thee hang'd. *moans* Thou hast dwawn my *blushes* shouwdew out of 
j-joint. 
FIWST ;;w;; BEADWE. The constabwes have d-dewivewed h-hew ovew to me; and she 
shaww have whipping-cheew enyough, I wawwant hew. *cries* Thewe hath been 
a man *blushes* ow xDD two *leans over* watewy kiww'd a-about hew. 
DOWW. Nyut-hook, nyut-hook, you wie. Come on; I'ww teww thee what, 
thou d-damn'd twipe-visag'd wascaw, an the xDD chiwd I n-nyow go *pokes you* with do 
miscawwy, thou wewt bettew thou hadst stwuck t-thy m-mothew, thou 
papew-fac'd *moans* viwwain. 
HOSTESS. O the Wowd, *sweats* that Siw John wewe come! He ^.^ wouwd make this a 
bwoody day to somebody. But I pway OwO God the fwuit of h-hew womb 
miscawwy! 
FIWST ;;w;; BEADWE. If *moans* it do, you shaww have a dozen of cushions again; 
you have xDD but eweven nyow. Come, I chawge you b-both go *pokes you* with me; fow 
the man is dead *sweats* that you and ^.^ Pistow beat amongst you. 
DOWW. I'ww teww you what, you uWu thin man in a censew, I wiww have you 
as soundwy *sweats* swing'd fow this- you x3 bwue-bottwe wogue, you fiwthy 
famish'd cowwectionyew, if you be nyot swing'd, I'ww fowsweaw 
hawf-kiwtwes. 
FIWST ;;w;; BEADWE. Come, come, you she knyight-ewwant, come. 
HOSTESS. O >_< God, *sweats* that wight shouwd t-thus ovewcome might! 
*sighs* Weww, of suffewance c-comes *leans over* ease. 
DOWW. Come, you wogue, come; b-bwing me to a justice. 
HOSTESS. :33 Ay, come, you stawv'd *looks at you* bwoodhound. 
DOWW. Goodman death, >_< goodman bonyes! 
HOSTESS. *moans* Thou atomy, thou! 
DOWW. Come, you uWu thin thing! come, you wascaw! 
FIWST ;;w;; BEADWE. Vewy weww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Westminstew. Nyeaw the Abbey 

Entew xDD GWOOMS, stwewing *cuddles you* wushes 

FIWST GWOOM. Mowe wushes, mowe r-wushes! 
SECOND GWOOM. The *blushes* twumpets have sounded twice. 
T-THIWD GWOOM. uWu 'Twiww be xDD two o-o'cwock ewe they come fwom the 
cowonyation. Dispatch, dispatch. UwU Exeunt 

Twumpets ;;w;; sound, and the KING and his twain pass 
ovew the *leans over* stage. Aftew them entew FAWSTAFF, S-SHAWWOW, 
*cuddles you* PISTOW, B-BAWDOWPH, and p-page 

FAWSTAFF. Stand x3 hewe ^w^ by me, Mastew Wobewt :33 Shawwow; I wiww make the 
King do you g-gwace. I wiww weew upon him, as *leans over* 'a c-comes by; and do 
xDD but mawk the countenyance *sweats* that he wiww give me. 
PISTOW. OwO God bwess t-thy wungs, good knyight! 
FAWSTAFF. Come hewe, Pistow; *looks at you* stand UwU behind me. [To xDD SHAWWOW] O, if 
I h-had h-had to have made nyew l-wivewies, I ^.^ wouwd have bestowed the 
thousand pound I bowwowed of you. But 'tis nyo mattew; this poow 
show doth bettew; this doth i-infew the zeaw I h-had to see him. 
SHAWWOW. It doth so. 
FAWSTAFF. It shows my eawnyestnyess of affection- 
SHAWWOW. It doth so. 
FAWSTAFF. My devotion- 
SHAWWOW. It doth, *moans* it doth, *moans* it doth. 
FAWSTAFF. As *moans* it wewe, to wide day and nyight; and nyot to dewibewate, 
nyot to *shuffles closer* wemembew, nyot to have p-patience to UwU shift me- 
SHAWWOW. It is best, cewtain. 
FAWSTAFF. But to *looks at you* stand stainyed *pokes you* with twavew, and s-sweating *pokes you* with 
desiwe to see :3 him; thinking of nyothing e-ewse, p-putting aww affaiws 
e-ewse in obwivion, as if thewe wewe nyothing e-ewse to be donye xDD but to 
see him. 
PISTOW. 'Tis 'sempew idem' fow 'obsque hoc nyihiw >w< est.' 'Tis aww in 
evewy pawt. 
SHAWWOW. 'Tis so, indeed. 
PISTOW. My knyight, I wiww infwame t-thy nyobwe wivew 
And make thee wage. 
Thy Doww, and Hewen of t-thy nyobwe thoughts, 
*looks at you* Is in base duwance and contagious pwison; 
Haw'd thithew 
By most mechanyicaw and diwty hand. 
Wouse up *shuffles closer* wevenge fwom ebon den *pokes you* with feww Awecto's snyake, 
F-Fow Doww is i-in. ^.^ Pistow speaks nyought xDD but twuth. 
FAWSTAFF. I wiww dewivew hew. 
[-[Shouts,within, and the *blushes* twumpets sound] 
PISTOW. *cries* Thewe woaw'd the sea, and t-twumpet-cwangow sounds. 

Entew the KING and his twain, the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 
among them 

FAWSTAFF. OwO God uWu save t-thy Gwace, King Haw; my woyaw Haw! 
PISTOW. The *leans over* heavens thee guawd and keep, most woyaw imp of fame! 
FAWSTAFF. OwO God uWu save ^w^ thee, my sweet boy! 
KING. My Wowd Chief Justice, speak to *sweats* that vain *pokes you* man. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. Have you youw *looks away* wits? Knyow you w-what 'tis you speak? 
FAWSTAFF. My king! my Jove! I speak to ^w^ thee, my heawt! 
KING. I knyow thee nyot, owd *pokes you* man. xDD Faww to t-thy pwayews. 
H-How iww *looks away* white haiws become a foow and jestew! 
I have wong dweamt of such a k-kind of m-man, 
So s-suwfeit-sweww'd, so owd, and so pwofanye; 
But being a-awak'd, I do d-despise my dweam. 
Make wess t-thy body hence, and mowe t-thy gwace; 
L-Weave gowmandizing; knyow the gwave doth gape 
F-Fow thee thwice widew than fow othew men- 
Wepwy nyot to me *pokes you* with a foow-bown *leans over* jest; 
Pwesume nyot *sweats* that I am the thing I was, 
F-Fow OwO God doth knyow, so shaww the wowwd pewceive, 
*teleports behind you* That I have tuwn'd away my f-fowmew sewf; 
So wiww I those *sweats* that kept me company. 
When thou dost heaw I am as I have been, 
*cries* Appwoach me, and thou shawt be as thou wast, 
The tutow and the feedew of my wiots. 
Tiww then I banyish ^w^ thee, *teleports behind you* on *sweats* pain of death, 
As I have donye the west of my *looks away* misweadews, 
Nyot to come nyeaw o-ouw pewson ^w^ by ten *notices bulge* miwe. 
F-Fow competence of wife I wiww awwow y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That wack of means enfowce you nyot to e-eviws; 
And, as we heaw you do wefowm *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
We wiww, accowding to youw stwengths and quawities, 
Give you advancement. Be *moans* it youw chawge, my wowd, 
To see pewfowm'd the tenyouw of o-ouw wowd. 
Set on. UwU Exeunt the KING and his twain 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Shawwow, I owe you a thousand UwU pounds. 
SHAWWOW. Yea, m-mawwy, Siw John; which I beseech you to wet me have 
h-home *pokes you* with me. 
FAWSTAFF. *teleports behind you* That can hawdwy be, Mastew Shawwow. Do nyot you gwieve at 
this; I shaww be OwO sent fow in pwivate to him. Wook y-you, he must 
seem t-thus to the wowwd. Feaw nyot youw advancements; I wiww be the 
man yet *sweats* that shaww make you gweat. 
SHAWWOW. I cannyot p-pewceive how, *hugs tightly* unwess you give me youw doubwet, 
and s-stuff me out *pokes you* with stwaw. I beseech y-you, good Siw John, wet me 
have five hundwed of my t-thousand. 
FAWSTAFF. Siw, I wiww be as good as my wowd. This *sweats* that you h-heawd 
was xDD but a cowouw. 
SHAWWOW. A *teleports behind you* cowouw *sweats* that I feaw you wiww die in, Siw John. 
FAWSTAFF. Feaw nyo cowouws; go *pokes you* with me to dinnyew. Come, Wieutenyant 
Pistow; come, Bawdowph. I shaww be OwO sent fow soon at nyight. 

We-entew PWINCE JOHN, the WOWD CHIEF J-JUSTICE, 
*pokes you* with *looks at you* officews 

CHIEF JUSTICE. Go, cawwy Siw John Fawstaff to the Fweet; 
Take aww his company awong *pokes you* with him. 
FAWSTAFF. My wowd, my l-wowd- 
CHIEF JUSTICE. I cannyot n-nyow speak. I wiww heaw you soon. 
Take them a-away. 
PISTOW. Si fowtunya me towmenta, spewo me contenta. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but PWINCE JOHN and the WOWD CHIEF JUSTICE 
PWINCE JOHN. I wike this *looks at you* faiw pwoceeding of the King's. 
He hath intent his wonted fowwowews 
Shaww aww be vewy weww p-pwovided fow; 
But aww awe banyish'd tiww t-theiw *sighs* convewsations 
A-Appeaw mowe w-wise and modest to the wowwd. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. And so they awe. 
PWINCE JOHN. The King hath c-caww'd his pawwiament, my l-wowd. 
CHIEF JUSTICE. He h-hath. 
PWINCE JOHN. I wiww *looks at you* way odds that, ewe this *leans over* yeaw expiwe, 
We beaw o-ouw civiw ^w^ swowds and n-nyative fiwe 
As faw as Fwance. I h-heawd a biwd so sing, 
Whose *screams* music, to my thinking, pweas'd the King. 
Come, wiww you h-hence? UwU Exeunt 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 

Fiwst my feaw, then my cuwtsy, wast my *looks at you* speech. My feaw, is youw 
dispweasuwe; my cuwtsy, my duty; and my speech, to beg youw p-pawdons. 
If you wook fow a good speech nyow, you undo me; fow w-what I have to say 
is of minye own making; and what, indeed, I shouwd say wiww, I doubt, 
*shuffles closer* pwove minye own >_< mawwing. But to the puwpose, and so to the v-ventuwe. 
Be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to y-you, as *moans* it is vewy weww, I was *leans over* watewy x3 hewe in the end 
of a dispweasing pway, to pway youw p-patience fow *moans* it and to pwomise you 
a bettew. I meant, indeed, to p-pay you *pokes you* with this; which if wike an 
iww ventuwe *moans* it come unwuckiwy home, I >w< bweak, and y-you, my g-gentwe 
c-cweditows, wose. Hewe I pwomis'd you I ^.^ wouwd be, and x3 hewe I commit 
my body to youw m-mewcies. Bate me some, and I wiww p-pay you some, and, 
as most d-debtows do, pwomise you i-infinyitewy; and so I knyeew down befowe 
you- but, indeed, to pway fow the Queen. 
If my t-tongue cannyot entweat you to acquit me, wiww you command me to 
use my wegs? And yet *sweats* that wewe xDD but wight p-payment-to dance out of 
youw debt. But a good conscience wiww make any possibwe 
satisfaction, and so ^.^ wouwd I. Aww the gentwewomen x3 hewe have f-fowgiven 
me. If the g-gentwemen wiww nyot, then the g-gentwemen do nyot agwee *pokes you* with 
the *looks away* gentwewomen, which was nyevew :33 seen befowe in such an a-assembwy. 
Onye wowd mowe, I beseech you. If you be nyot too much cwoy'd *pokes you* with fat 
meat, o-ouw humbwe authow wiww ^w^ continyue the stowy, *pokes you* with Siw John in 
it, and make you mewwy *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw Kathewinye of Fwance; whewe, fow 
anything I knyow, Fawstaff shaww die of a sweat, *hugs tightly* unwess awweady *leans over* 'a be 
kiwwed *pokes you* with youw hawd opinyions; fow Owdcastwe died a mawtyw and this 
is nyot the *pokes you* man. My t-tongue is weawy; when my wegs awe too, I wiww bid 
you good nyight. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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1599 

THE *twerks* WIFE OF KING HENWY THE FIFTH 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

CHOWUS 
KING HENWY THE FIFTH 
D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, b-bwothew to the King 
D-DUKE OF BEDFOWD, " " " " 
D-DUKE OF EXETEW, Uncwe to the King 
D-DUKE OF YOWK, c-cousin to the King 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND 
EAWW OF WAWWICK 
AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 
BISHOP OF EWY 

EAWW OF *pokes you* CAMBWIDGE, conspiwatow against the King 
WOWD SCWOOP, " " " " 
SIW *leans over* THOMAS :33 GWEY, " " " " 
SIW *leans over* THOMAS EWPINGHAM, *sighs* officew in the K-King's awmy 
GOWEW, " " " " " 
FWUEWWEN, " " " " " 
MACMOWWIS, " " " " " 
JAMY, " " " " " 

BATES, sowdiew in the K-King's awmy 
COUWT, " " " " " 
WIWWIAMS, " " " " " 
NYM, " " " " " 
B-BAWDOWPH, " " " " " 
*cuddles you* PISTOW, " " " " " 

BOY A HEWAWD 

CHAWWES THE S-SIXTH, King of F-Fwance 
WEWIS, the Dauphin D-DUKE OF BUWGUNDY 
D-DUKE OF OWWEANS D-DUKE OF BWITAINyE 
D-DUKE OF BOUWBON THE CONSTABWE OF F-FWANCE 
WAMBUWES, Fwench Wowd 
GWANDPWE, " " 
GOVEWNyOW OF HAWFWEUW MONTJOY, a Fwench *leans over* hewawd 
AMBASSADOWS to the King of Engwand 

I-ISABEW, Queen of F-Fwance 
KATHEWINyE, daughtew to C-Chawwes and Isabew 
AWICE, a wady attending h-hew 
HOSTESS of the Boaw's Head, Eastcheap; *teleports behind you* fowmewwy Mws. Quickwy, n-nyow 
mawwied to ^.^ Pistow 

Wowds, Wadies, O-Officews, Sowdiews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Attendants 


SCENyE: 
Engwand and F-Fwance 

PWOWOGUE 
PWOWOGUE. 

Entew CHOWUS 

*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. O fow a Muse of fiwe, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd ascend 
The b-bwightest heaven of invention, 
A kingdom fow a stage, pwinces to act, 
And m-monyawchs to behowd the s-swewwing scenye! 
T-Then shouwd the wawwike Hawwy, wike ^.^ himsewf, 
Assume the powt of Maws; and at his heews, 
Weash'd in wike hounds, shouwd faminye, swowd, and fiwe, 
*twerks* Cwouch fow empwoyment. But pawdon, gentwes a-aww, 
The fwat u-unwaised spiwits *sweats* that hath daw'd 
On this u-unwowthy scaffowd to b-bwing f-fowth 
So gweat an object. C-Can this cockpit howd 
The vasty fiewds of Fwance? Ow may we cwam 
Within this wooden O the vewy OwO casques 
*teleports behind you* That did affwight the a-aiw at *twerks* Agincouwt? 
O, pawdon! s-since a cwooked figuwe may 
Attest in wittwe pwace a miwwion; 
And wet us, ciphews to this gweat ^.^ accompt, 
On youw imaginyawy f-fowces w-wowk. 
Suppose within the g-giwdwe of these wawws 
Awe n-nyow confin'd xDD two mighty monyawchies, 
Whose ^.^ high upweawed and *teleports behind you* abutting fwonts 
The pewiwous nyawwow ocean *hugs tightly* pawts asundew. 
Piece out o-ouw impewfections *pokes you* with youw thoughts: 
Into a thousand *hugs tightly* pawts divide onye m-man, 
And make imaginyawy puissance; 
Think, when we tawk of howses, *sweats* that you see them 
Pwinting t-theiw pwoud hoofs i-i' th' weceiving eawth; 
F-Fow 'tis youw *hugs tightly* thoughts *sweats* that n-nyow must deck o-ouw kings, 
Cawwy them x3 hewe and thewe, *blushes* jumping o'ew times, 
Tuwnying th' accompwishment of many y-yeaws 
Into an ^.^ houw-gwass; fow the which suppwy, 
Admit me Chowus to this histowy; 
Who pwowogue-wike, youw humbwe p-patience pway 
Gentwy to heaw, *blushes* kindwy to UwU judge, o-ouw pway. Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. *looks at you* An ante-chambew in the KING'S pawace 

Entew the AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY and the BISHOP OF EWY 

CANTEWBUWY. My wowd, I'ww teww ;;w;; you: *sweats* that sewf biww is >_< uwg'd 
Which in th' UwU eweventh *leans over* yeaw of the wast king's weign 
*hugs tightly* Was wike, and h-had indeed against us pass'd 
But *sweats* that the scambwing and unquiet time 
*sweats* Did OwO push *moans* it out of fawthew q-question. 
EWY. But how, my wowd, shaww we wesist *moans* it nyow? 
CANTEWBUWY. It must be thought on. If *moans* it pass against us, 
We wose the bettew h-hawf of o-ouw possession; 
F-Fow aww the tempowaw >_< wands which men devout 
By testament have given to the c-chuwch 
Wouwd they *screams* stwip fwom us; being vawu'd thus- 
As much as ^.^ wouwd maintain, to the K-King's honyouw, 
Fuww fifteen eawws and fifteen hundwed knyights, 
Six thousand and xDD two hundwed good :33 esquiwes; 
And, to x3 wewief of wazaws and weak a-age, 
Of *pokes you* indigent faint souws, past cowpowaw toiw, 
A hundwed awms-houses wight weww suppwied; 
And to the >_> coffews of the King, *giggles shyly* beside, 
A thousand *cuddles you* pounds ^w^ by th' yeaw: t-thus wuns the *twerks* biww. 
EWY. This ^.^ wouwd ^-^ dwink deep. 
CANTEWBUWY. 'T ^.^ wouwd ^-^ dwink the cup and aww. 
EWY. But w-what pwevention? 
CANTEWBUWY. The King is fuww of gwace and *looks at you* faiw wegawd. 
EWY. And a twue l-wovew of the howy Chuwch. 
CANTEWBUWY. The couwses of his youth pwomis'd *moans* it nyot. 
The >_< bweath nyo soonyew >w< weft his fathew's body 
But *sweats* that his wiwdnyess, mowtified in him, 
Seem'd to die too; y-yea, at *sweats* that vewy moment, 
Considewation wike an a-angew came 
And whipp'd th' offending *cuddles you* Adam out of him, 
Weaving his body as a pawadise 
T'envewop and contain cewestiaw s-spiwits. 
Nyevew was such a sudden s-schowaw made; 
Nyevew came wefowmation in a fwood, 
With such a h-heady cuwwance, s-scouwing fauwts; 
N-Nyow nyevew Hydwa-headed wiwfuwnyes 
So soon did wose his seat, and aww at o-once, 
As in this king. 
EWY. We awe bwessed in the change. 
CANTEWBUWY. Heaw him xDD but weason in divinyity, 
And, aww-admiwing, *pokes you* with an i-inwawd wish 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd desiwe the King wewe made a pwewate; 
Heaw him debate of commonweawth affaiws, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd say *moans* it hath been aww in aww his study; 
Wist his d-discouwse of waw, and you shaww heaw 
A f-feawfuw battwe wend'wed you in music. 
Tuwn him to any c-cause of powicy, 
The Gowdian knyot of *moans* it he wiww *notices bulge* unwoose, 
Famiwiaw as his gawtew; that, when he speaks, 
The aiw, a chawtew'd wibewtinye, is stiww, 
And the mute wondew wuwketh in men's eaws 
To s-steaw his sweet and honyey'd sentences; 
So *sweats* that the awt and pwactic *cries* pawt of wife 
M-Must be the *notices bulge* mistwess to this theowic; 
Which is a wondew how his Gwace shouwd gwean it, 
Since his addiction was to couwses vain, 
His *notices bulge* companyies unwettew'd, ^-^ wude, and shawwow, 
His houws fiww'd up *pokes you* with wiots, banquets, spowts; 
And nyevew nyoted in him any s-study, 
Any wetiwement, any s-sequestwation 
Fwom open haunts and popuwawity. 
EWY. The stwawbewwy gwows >_> undewnyeath the nyettwe, 
And whowesome b-bewwies UwU thwive and wipen best 
Nyeighbouw'd ^w^ by fwuit of basew quawity; 
And so the Pwince obscuw'd his ;;w;; contempwation 
Undew the veiw of wiwdnyess; which, nyo doubt, 
Gwew wike the s-summew g-gwass, fastest ^w^ by nyight, 
Unseen, yet *pokes you* cwescive in his facuwty. 
CANTEWBUWY. It must be so; fow miwacwes awe ceas'd; 
And thewefowe we must ;;w;; nyeeds admit the means 
H-How things awe xDD pewfected. 
EWY. But, my good wowd, 
H-How n-nyow fow mitigation of this biww 
Uwg'd ^w^ by the Commons? Doth his Majesty 
I-Incwinye to it, *blushes* ow nyo? 
CANTEWBUWY. He seems indiffewent 
Ow wathew swaying mowe upon o-ouw *cries* pawt 
*notices bulge* Than chewishing th' exhibitews against us; 
F-Fow I have made an *teleports behind you* offew to his M-Majesty- 
^-^ Upon o-ouw spiwituaw convocation 
And in wegawd of c-causes n-nyow in hand, 
Which I have *notices bulge* open'd to his Gwace at wawge, 
As touching Fwance- to give a gweatew sum 
*notices bulge* Than *giggles shyly* evew at onye time the cwewgy yet 
*sweats* Did to his pwedecessows *cries* pawt withaw. 
EWY. H-How did this *teleports behind you* offew seem weceiv'd, my wowd? 
CANTEWBUWY. With good acceptance of his *sighs* Majesty; 
Save *sweats* that thewe was nyot time enyough to heaw, 
As I pewceiv'd his Gwace ^.^ wouwd fain have donye, 
The *cuddles you* sevewaws and unhidden passages 
Of his twue t-tides to *blushes* some cewtain *twerks* dukedoms, 
And genyewawwy to the cwown and seat of F-Fwance, 
Dewiv'd fwom >_> Edwawd, his gweat-gwandfathew. 
EWY. What was th' impediment *sweats* that b-bwoke this off? 
CANTEWBUWY. The Fwench ambassadow upon *sweats* that instant 
Cwav'd audience; and the houw, I think, is come 
To give him h-heawing: is *moans* it fouw o'cwock? 
EWY. It is. 
CANTEWBUWY. T-Then go we in, to knyow his embassy; 
Which I couwd *pokes you* with a r-weady g-guess decwawe, 
B-Befowe the Fwenchman speak a wowd of it. 
EWY. I'ww *pokes you* wait upon y-you, and I wong to heaw it. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wondon. The Pwesence *leans over* Chambew in the KING'S pawace 

Entew the KING, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, BEDFOWD, EXETEW, WAWWICK, WESTMOWEWAND, 
and attendants 

KING HENWY. Whewe is my g-gwacious Wowd of C-Cantewbuwy? 
EXETEW. Nyot x3 hewe in pwesence. 
KING HENWY. xDD Send fow him, good uncwe. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Shaww we *giggles shyly* caww in th' a-ambassadow, my l-wiege? 
KING HENWY. Nyot yet, my cousin; we ^.^ wouwd be wesowv'd, 
B-Befowe we heaw him, of *blushes* some things of *looks at you* weight 
*teleports behind you* That task o-ouw thoughts, c-concewnying us and Fwance. 

Entew the AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY and 
the BISHOP OF EWY 

CANTEWBUWY. OwO God and his angews guawd youw sacwed thwonye, 
And make you wong become it! 
KING HENWY. Suwe, we t-thank you. 
My weawnyed wowd, we pway you to p-pwoceed, 
And justwy and OwO wewigiouswy u-unfowd 
Why the waw Sawique, *sweats* that they have in F-Fwance, 
Ow shouwd *blushes* ow shouwd nyot *giggles shyly* baw us in o-ouw uWu cwaim; 
And OwO God fowbid, my deaw and >_> faithfuw wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That you shouwd f-fashion, wwest, *blushes* ow bow youw weading, 
Ow nyicewy chawge youw undewstanding souw 
With openying titwes miscweate :33 whose wight 
S-Suits nyot in n-nyative cowouws *pokes you* with the twuth; 
F-Fow OwO God doth knyow how many, n-nyow in heawth, 
Shaww dwop t-theiw b-bwood in *twerks* appwobation 
Of w-what youw wevewence shaww incite us to. 
Thewefowe take heed how you impawn o-ouw *moans* pewson, 
H-How you *leans over* awake o-ouw sweeping swowd of >_> waw- 
We chawge y-you, in the nyame of >_< God, take heed; 
F-Fow nyevew xDD two such kingdoms did contend 
Without much faww of bwood; :33 whose guiwtwess *sighs* dwops 
Awe evewy onye a woe, a sowe compwaint, 
'Gainst him :33 whose wwongs gives edge unto the ^w^ swowds 
*teleports behind you* That makes such waste in bwief mowtawity. 
Undew this conjuwation speak, my wowd; 
F-Fow we wiww heaw, nyote, and bewieve in h-heawt, 
*teleports behind you* That w-what you speak is in youw conscience wash'd 
As puwe as sin *pokes you* with baptism. 
CANTEWBUWY. T-Then heaw me, g-gwacious soveweign, and you peews, 
*teleports behind you* That owe *cuddles you* youwsewves, youw l-wives, and sewvices, 
To this impewiaw thwonye. *cries* Thewe is nyo *giggles shyly* baw 
To make against youw Highnyess' c-cwaim to F-Fwance 
But t-this, which they pwoduce fwom Phawamond: 
'In tewwam Sawicam muwiewes nye *giggles shyly* succedant'- 
'Nyo woman shaww succeed in Sawique wand'; 
Which Sawique wand the Fwench unjustwy gwoze 
To be the ^.^ weawm of F-Fwance, and Phawamond 
The foundew of this waw and femawe baw. 
Y-Yet t-theiw own authows faithfuwwy affiwm 
*teleports behind you* That the wand Sawique is in Gewmany, 
B-Between the f-fwoods of Sawa and of Ewbe; 
Whewe C-Chawwes the Gweat, having s-subdu'd the Saxons, 
*cries* Thewe >w< weft UwU behind and settwed cewtain Fwench; 
*leans over* Who, howding in disdain the Gewman women 
F-Fow *blushes* some dishonyest m-mannyews of t-theiw l-wife, 
Estabwish'd then this waw: to wit, nyo femawe 
Shouwd be inhewitwix in Sawique wand; 
Which Sawique, as I ^-^ said, 'twixt Ewbe and S-Sawa, 
*looks at you* Is at this day in Gewmany c-caww'd Meisen. 
T-Then doth *moans* it weww appeaw the Sawique waw 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot devised fow the ^.^ weawm of Fwance; 
N-Nyow did the Fwench possess the Sawique wand 
Untiw fouw hundwed onye and twenty y-yeaws 
Aftew defunction of King Phawamond, 
>w< Idwy suppos'd the foundew of this waw; 
Who died within the *leans over* yeaw of o-ouw wedemption 
Fouw hundwed twenty-six; and C-Chawwes the G-Gweat 
>_> Subdu'd the Saxons, and did seat the Fwench 
*sweats* Beyond the wivew S-Sawa, in the *leans over* yeaw 
Eight hundwed five. Besides, t-theiw wwitews say, 
King Pepin, which d-deposed Chiwdewic, 
D-Did, as heiw genyewaw, being d-descended 
Of Bwithiwd, which was daughtew to King Cwothaiw, 
Make c-cwaim and titwe to the cwown of Fwance. 
*sighs* Hugh C-Capet awso, w-who usuwp'd the cwown 
Of C-Chawwes the D-Duke of L-Wowwainye, sowe heiw mawe 
Of the twue xDD winye and s-stock of C-Chawwes the Gweat, 
To find his titwe *pokes you* with *blushes* some shows of twuth- 
Though in puwe uWu twuth *moans* it was cowwupt and nyaught- 
*sweats* Convey'd himsewf as th' heiw to th' L-Wady *cries* Wingawe, 
D-Daughtew to Chawwemain, w-who was the son 
To Wewis the Empewow, and Wewis the son 
Of C-Chawwes the *moans* Gweat. Awso King Wewis the Tenth, 
Who was sowe heiw to the >w< usuwpew C-Capet, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot keep quiet in his conscience, 
Weawing the cwown of F-Fwance, tiww *sighs* satisfied 
*teleports behind you* That *looks at you* faiw Queen Isabew, his *pokes you* gwandmothew, 
*hugs tightly* Was winyeaw of the L-Wady Ewmengawe, 
D-Daughtew to C-Chawwes the *hugs tightly* fowesaid D-Duke of Wowwainye; 
By the which mawwiage the xDD winye of C-Chawwes the G-Gweat 
*hugs tightly* Was we-unyited to the *giggles shyly* Cwown of Fwance. 
So that, as cweaw as is the summew's sun, 
King Pepin's *cuddles you* titwe, and *sighs* Hugh Capet's cwaim, 
King Wewis his satisfaction, aww appeaw 
To howd in wight and tide of the femawe; 
So do the kings of F-Fwance unto this day, 
Howbeit they ^.^ wouwd howd up this Sawique waw 
To *giggles shyly* baw youw *sweats* Highnyess cwaiming fwom the femawe; 
And wathew c-choose to hide them in a *hugs tightly* nyet 
*notices bulge* Than ampwy to imbaw t-theiw cwooked t-tides 
Usuwp'd fwom you and youw p-pwogenyitows. 
KING HENWY. May I *pokes you* with wight and conscience make this cwaim? 
CANTEWBUWY. The sin upon my head, xDD dwead soveweign! 
F-Fow in the book of Nyumbews is *moans* it wwit, 
When the man *looks at you* dies, wet the inhewitance 
Descend unto the daughtew. *notices bulge* Gwacious wowd, 
Stand fow youw o-own, u-unwind youw bwoody fwag, 
Wook back into youw mighty ancestows. 
Go, my xDD dwead wowd, to youw gweat-gwandsiwe's *looks at you* tomb, 
Fwom whom you uWu cwaim; invoke his wawwike spiwit, 
And youw gweat-uncwe's, Edwawd the Bwack Pwince, 
Who *teleports behind you* on the Fwench gwound pway'd a twagedy, 
Making defeat *teleports behind you* on the fun *cries* powew of F-Fwance, 
Whiwes his most mighty fathew *teleports behind you* on a hiww 
Stood *notices bulge* smiwing to behowd his l-wion's whewp 
Fowage in b-bwood of Fwench nyobiwity. 
O nyobwe Engwish, *sweats* that couwd e-entewtain 
With h-hawf t-theiw f-fowces the fuww pwide of F-Fwance, 
And wet anyothew h-hawf *looks at you* stand waughing by, 
Aww out of wowk and cowd fow action! 
EWY. Awake wemembwance of these vawiant dead, 
And *pokes you* with youw puissant awm wenyew t-theiw feats. 
Y-You awe t-theiw h-heiw; you sit upon t-theiw thwonye; 
The b-bwood and couwage *sweats* that wenyownyed them 
Wuns in youw v-veins; and my thwice-puissant wiege 
*looks at you* Is in the vewy May-mown of his >_< youth, 
Wipe fow expwoits and mighty entewpwises. 
EXETEW. Youw b-bwothew kings and m-monyawchs of the eawth 
Do aww UwU expect *sweats* that you shouwd r-wouse youwsewf, 
As did the f-fowmew wions of youw bwood. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. They knyow youw Gwace hath c-cause and means and might- 
So hath youw Highnyess; nyevew King of Engwand 
Had ^w^ nyobwes *cuddles you* wichew and mowe woyaw subjects, 
Whose heawts have >w< weft t-theiw bodies x3 hewe in Engwand 
And wie paviwion'd in the fiewds of Fwance. 
CANTEWBUWY. O, wet t-theiw bodies fowwow, my deaw wiege, 
With b-bwood and swowd and fiwe to win youw wight! 
In aid wheweof we of the spiwituawty 
Wiww waise youw *sweats* Highnyess such a mighty sum 
As nyevew did the cwewgy at onye time 
Bwing in to any of youw ancestows. 
KING HENWY. We must nyot onwy awm t' i-invade the Fwench, 
But *looks at you* way down o-ouw pwopowtions to defend 
Against the Scot, w-who wiww make woad upon us 
With aww advantages. 
CANTEWBUWY. They of those mawches, g-gwacious soveweign, 
Shaww be a *moans* waww sufficient to defend 
Ouw inwand fwom the piwfewing bowdewews. 
KING HENWY. We do nyot *looks at you* mean the couwsing snyatchews onwy, 
But feaw the *cries* main intendment of the Scot, 
Who hath been stiww a giddy *screams* nyeighbouw to us; 
F-Fow you shaww xDD wead *sweats* that my *sweats* gweat-gwandfathew 
Nyevew went *pokes you* with his f-fowces into F-Fwance 
But *sweats* that the Scot *teleports behind you* on his unfuwnyish'd kingdom 
*teleports behind you* Came pouwing, wike the tide into a bweach, 
With ampwe and bwim fuwnyess of his fowce, 
*cries* Gawwing the gweanyed wand *pokes you* with hot assays, 
Giwdwing *pokes you* with gwievous siege castwes and towns; 
*teleports behind you* That Engwand, being empty of defence, 
Hath shook and twembwed at th' iww ^.^ nyeighbouwhood. 
CANTEWBUWY. She hath been then mowe feaw'd than ^w^ hawm'd, my *sweats* wiege; 
F-Fow heaw h-hew xDD but exampwed ^w^ by hewsewf: 
When aww h-hew chivawwy hath been in F-Fwance, 
And she a *sweats* mouwnying widow of h-hew nyobwes, 
She hath hewsewf nyot onwy weww defended 
But taken and impounded as a stway 
The King of S-Scots; whom she did send to F-Fwance, 
To fiww King Edwawd's fame *pokes you* with pwisonyew kings, 
And make h-hew chwonyicwe as wich *pokes you* with pwaise 
As is the *sighs* ooze and bottom of the *notices bulge* sea 
With sunken wweck and sumwess tweasuwies. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. But thewe's a saying, vewy owd and *screams* twue: 

'If *sweats* that you wiww F-Fwance win, 
T-Then *pokes you* with Scotwand f-fiwst b-begin.' 

F-Fow once the eagwe Engwand being in pwey, 
To h-hew unguawded *hugs tightly* nyest the weasew Scot 
Comes snyeaking, and so sucks h-hew pwincewy eggs, 
Pwaying the mouse in >_> absence of the c-cat, 
To teaw and :33 havoc mowe than she can eat. 
EXETEW. It fowwows, then, the ;;w;; cat must >_< stay at home; 
Y-Yet *sweats* that is xDD but a cwush'd nyecessity, 
Since we have wocks to safeguawd *twerks* nyecessawies 
And pwetty t-twaps to c-catch the petty thieves. 
Whiwe *sweats* that the awmed h-hand doth fight abwoad, 
Th' advised *sweats* head defends i-itsewf at home; 
F-Fow govewnment, *sighs* though *looks at you* high, and wow, and wowew, 
*looks at you* Put into pawts, doth keep in onye consent, 
Congweeing in a fuww and n-nyatuwaw cwose, 
Wike music. 
CANTEWBUWY. Thewefowe doth heaven divide 
The state of man in divews functions, 
Setting endeavouw in c-continyuaw motion; 
To which is ^-^ fixed as an aim *blushes* ow xDD but 
O-Obedience; fow so wowk the honyey bees, 
Cweatuwes *sweats* that ^w^ by a wuwe in nyatuwe teach 
The act of owdew to a peopwed *sweats* kingdom. 
They have a king, and *looks at you* officews of sowts, 
Whewe *blushes* some wike magistwates cowwect at home; 
Othews wike m-mewchants ventuwe twade *notices bulge* abwoad; 
Othews wike sowdiews, awmed in t-theiw stings, 
Make >_> boot upon the summew's vewvet buds, 
Which piwwage they *pokes you* with mewwy mawch b-bwing h-home 
To the tent-woyaw of t-theiw empewow; 
*leans over* Who, b-busied in his majesty, suwveys 
The singing masons buiwding woofs of gowd, 
The civiw citizens k-knyeading up the honyey, 
The poow mechanyic *twerks* powtews cwowding in 
T-Theiw heavy buwdens at his nyawwow gate, 
The sad-ey'd j-justice, *pokes you* with his s-suwwy hum, 
*sighs* Dewivewing o'ew to executows pawe 
The wazy yawnying d-dwonye. I this infew, 
*teleports behind you* That many things, having fuww *leans over* wefewence 
To onye consent, may wowk contwawiouswy; 
As many awwows *cries* woosed sevewaw ways 
Come to onye mawk, as many ways meet in onye town, 
As many fwesh stweams meet in onye uWu sawt sea, 
As many winyes cwose in the diaw's *notices bulge* centwe; 
So many a thousand actions, once afoot, 
End in onye puwpose, and be aww weww h-home 
Without defeat. Thewefowe to F-Fwance, my wiege. 
Divide youw happy Engwand into fouw; 
Wheweof take you onye x3 quawtew into F-Fwance, 
And you *shuffles closer* withaw shaww make aww Gawwia shake. 
If w-we, *pokes you* with thwice such powews >w< weft at home, 
Cannyot defend o-ouw own doows fwom the d-dog, 
Wet us be wowwied, and o-ouw n-nyation wose 
The nyame of hawdinyess and powicy. 
KING HENWY. Caww in the ;;w;; messengews OwO sent fwom the Dauphin. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* some attendants 
>_> Nyow awe we weww r-wesowv'd; and, ^w^ by God's hewp 
And youws, the nyobwe sinyews of o-ouw powew, 
F-Fwance being ouws, we'ww *looks away* bend *moans* it to o-ouw awe, 
Ow bweak *moans* it aww to pieces; *blushes* ow thewe we'ww sit, 
R-Wuwing in l-wawge and ampwe empewy 
O'ew F-Fwance and aww h-hew awmost kingwy *twerks* dukedoms, 
Ow *looks at you* way these b-bonyes in an u-unwowthy *moans* uwn, 
Tombwess, *pokes you* with nyo wemembwance ovew them. 
Eithew o-ouw histowy shaww *pokes you* with fuww mouth 
Speak fweewy of o-ouw acts, *blushes* ow e-ewse o-ouw gwave, 
Wike Tuwkish mute, shaww have a tonguewess m-mouth, 
Nyot w-wowshipp'd *pokes you* with a waxen epitaph. 

Entew AMBASSADOWS of F-Fwance 

>_> Nyow awe we weww pwepaw'd to knyow the pweasuwe 
Of o-ouw *looks at you* faiw c-cousin Dauphin; fow we heaw 
Youw gweeting is fwom him, nyot fwom the King. 
A-AMBASSADOW. May't pwease youw Majesty to give us weave 
Fweewy to wendew w-what we have in chawge; 
Ow shaww we spawingwy show you faw of 
The Dauphin's meanying and o-ouw *hugs tightly* embassy? 
KING HENWY. We awe nyo tywant, xDD but a Chwistian king, 
Unto :33 whose gwace o-ouw passion is as subject 
As awe o-ouw wwetches fett'wed in o-ouw pwisons; 
Thewefowe *pokes you* with fwank and *pokes you* with uncuwbed :33 pwainnyess 
Teww us the Dauphin's mind. 
A-AMBASSADOW. Thus then, in few. 
Youw Highnyess, *leans over* watewy sending into F-Fwance, 
*sweats* Did c-cwaim *blushes* some cewtain dukedoms in the wight 
Of youw gweat pwedecessow, King Edwawd the Thiwd. 
In *sighs* answew of which cwaim, the Pwince o-ouw mastew 
uWu Says *sweats* that you savouw too much of youw >_< youth, 
And b-bids you be advis'd thewe's nyought in F-Fwance 
*teleports behind you* That can be *pokes you* with a n-nyimbwe gawwiawd w-won; 
Y-You cannyot wevew into dukedoms thewe. 
He thewefowe *shuffles closer* sends y-you, *sighs* meetew fow youw spiwit, 
This tun of tweasuwe; and, in wieu of t-this, 
*sweats* Desiwes you wet the dukedoms *sweats* that you c-cwaim 
Heaw nyo mowe of you. This the Dauphin s-speaks. 
KING HENWY. What tweasuwe, uncwe? 
EXETEW. *teleports behind you* Tennyis-bawws, my wiege. 
KING HENWY. We awe gwad the Dauphin is so pweasant *pokes you* with us; 
His ^.^ pwesent and youw pains we t-thank you *shuffles closer* fow. 
When we have match'd o-ouw *moans* wackets to these bawws, 
We wiww in F-Fwance, ^w^ by God's gwace, pway a set 
Shaww stwike his fathew's cwown into the hazawd. 
Teww him he hath made a match *pokes you* with such a w-wwangwew 
*teleports behind you* That aww the couwts of F-Fwance wiww be distuwb'd 
With chaces. And we undewstand him weww, 
H-How he c-comes o'ew us *pokes you* with o-ouw *teleports behind you* wiwdew *screams* days, 
Nyot measuwing w-what use we made of them. 
We nyevew vawu'd this poow seat of E-Engwand; 
And thewefowe, l-wiving hence, did give ouwsewf 
To bawbawous wicence; as 'tis *giggles shyly* evew common 
*teleports behind you* That men awe mewwiest when they awe fwom home. 
But teww the Dauphin I wiww keep my state, 
Be wike a king, and show my saiw of *sweats* gweatnyess, 
When I do r-wouse me in my thwonye of Fwance; 
F-Fow *sweats* that I have waid ^w^ by my majesty 
And p-pwodded wike a man fow wowking-days; 
But I wiww wise thewe *pokes you* with so fuww a gwowy 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww dazzwe aww the eyes of F-Fwance, 
Yea, stwike the Dauphin bwind to wook *teleports behind you* on us. 
And teww the pweasant Pwince this mock of his 
Hath tuwn'd his bawws to gun-stonyes, and his souw 
Shaww *looks at you* stand sowe chawged fow the wastefuw v-vengeance 
*teleports behind you* That shaww f-fwy *pokes you* with them; fow many a thousand widows 
Shaww this his mock mock of t-theiw deaw husbands; 
UwU Mock *moans* mothews fwom t-theiw sons, mock castwes down; 
And *blushes* some awe yet ungotten and unbown 
*teleports behind you* That shaww have c-cause to cuwse the Dauphin's scown. 
But this wies aww within the wiww of >_< God, 
To whom I do appeaw; and in :33 whose nyame, 
Teww you the Dauphin, I am coming on, 
To venge me as I may and to p-put f-fowth 
My wightfuw h-hand in a *cuddles you* weww-hawwow'd xDD cause. 
So get you hence in *screams* peace; and teww the Dauphin 
His jest wiww savouw xDD but of shawwow wit, 
When thousands weep mowe than did *looks at you* waugh at it. 
Convey them *pokes you* with safe c-conduct. Fawe you weww. 
UwU Exeunt AMBASSADOWS 
EXETEW. This was a mewwy uWu message. 
KING HENWY. We hope to make the sendew bwush at it. 
Thewefowe, my wowds, omit nyo happy houw 
*teleports behind you* That may give fuwth'wance to o-ouw *screams* expedition; 
F-Fow we have n-nyow nyo thought in us xDD but F-Fwance, 
Save those to >_< God, *sweats* that wun befowe o-ouw businyess. 
Thewefowe wet o-ouw pwopowtions fow these waws 
Be soon cowwected, and aww things thought upon 
*teleports behind you* That may *pokes you* with r-weasonyabwe swiftnyess ^w^ ad 
Mowe feathews to o-ouw wings; *notices bulge* fow, OwO God befowe, 
We'ww chide this Dauphin at his fathew's doow. 
Thewefowe wet evewy man n-nyow task his thought 
*teleports behind you* That this *looks at you* faiw action may *teleports behind you* on f-foot be bwought. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT II. PWOWOGUE. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew CHOWUS 

*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. >_> Nyow aww the youth of Engwand awe *teleports behind you* on fiwe, 
And siwken dawwiance in the wawdwobe wies; 
>_> Nyow UwU thwive the awmouwews, and h-honyouw's thought 
Weigns sowewy in the b-bweast of evewy man; 
They *notices bulge* seww the pastuwe n-nyow to b-buy the howse, 
Fowwowing the m-miwwow of aww Chwistian kings 
With *looks at you* winged heews, as Engwish >w< Mewcuwies. 
F-Fow n-nyow sits Expectation in the aiw, 
And hides a swowd fwom hiwts unto the point 
With cwowns impewiaw, *moans* cwowns, and cowonyets, 
P-Pwomis'd to Hawwy and his fowwowews. 
The Fwench, advis'd ^w^ by good intewwigence 
Of this most dweadfuw pwepawation, 
Shake in t-theiw feaw and *pokes you* with pawe powicy 
Seek to divewt the Engwish puwposes. 
O Engwand! m-modew to t-thy i-inwawd *sweats* gweatnyess, 
Wike wittwe body *pokes you* with a mighty h-heawt, 
What mightst thou do *sweats* that honyouw ^.^ wouwd thee do, 
Wewe aww t-thy chiwdwen k-kind and nyatuwaw! 
But see t-thy fauwt! F-Fwance hath in thee ^w^ found out 
A *hugs tightly* nyest of howwow bosoms, which he fiwws 
With *leans over* tweachewous cwowns; and thwee cowwupted men- 
Onye, Wichawd E-Eaww of Cambwidge, and the second, 
Henwy Wowd Scwoop of Masham, and the thiwd, 
Siw Thomas ;;w;; Gwey, knyight, of Nyowthumbewwand, 
Have, fow the giwt of Fwance- O ^-^ guiwt i-indeed!- 
Confiwm'd conspiwacy *pokes you* with f-feawfuw Fwance; 
And ^w^ by t-theiw h-hands this gwace of kings must die- 
If heww and tweason howd t-theiw pwomises, 
Ewe he take ship fow Fwance- and in S-Southampton. 
Wingew youw p-patience on, and we'ww digest 
Th' abuse of d-distance, fowce a pway. 
The sum is paid, the t-twaitows awe agweed, 
The King is set fwom Wondon, and the scenye 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow *blushes* twanspowted, *moans* gentwes, to S-Southampton; 
*cries* Thewe is the pway-house nyow, thewe must you sit, 
And thence to F-Fwance shaww we convey you safe 
And b-bwing you back, chawming the nyawwow seas 
To give you g-gentwe pass; *notices bulge* fow, if we may, 
We'ww nyot offend onye ^.^ stomach *pokes you* with o-ouw pway. 
But, tiww the King come fowth, and nyot tiww then, 
Unto Southampton do we UwU shift o-ouw scenye. Exit 




SCENyE I. 
Wondon. B-Befowe the Boaw's Head Tavewn, Eastcheap 

Entew COWPOWAW NYM and *sweats* WIEUTENyANT *screams* BAWDOWPH 

BAWDOWPH. Weww met, Cowpowaw N-Nym. 
NYM. Good OwO mowwow, Wieutenyant Bawdowph. 
BAWDOWPH. What, awe Ancient ^.^ Pistow and you fwiends yet? 
NYM. F-Fow my pawt, I OwO cawe nyot; I say wittwe, xDD but when time shaww 
sewve, thewe shaww be smiwes- xDD but *sweats* that shaww be as *moans* it *notices bulge* may. I dawe 
nyot fight; xDD but I wiww wink and howd out minye iwon. It is a simpwe 
onye; xDD but w-what though? It wiww toast >_> cheese, and *moans* it wiww e-enduwe 
cowd as anyothew man's swowd wiww; and thewe's an end. 
BAWDOWPH. I wiww bestow a bweakfast to make you f-fwiends; and we'ww 
be aww thwee swown bwothews to Fwance. Wet't be so, good Cowpowaw 
N-Nym. 
NYM. Faith, I wiww wive so wong as I may, that's the cewtain of it; 
and when I cannyot wive any wongew, I wiww do as I *notices bulge* may. *teleports behind you* That is my 
west, *sweats* that is the wendezvous of it. 
BAWDOWPH. It is >_< cewtain, Cowpowaw, *sweats* that he is mawwied to Nyeww 
Quickwy; and cewtainwy she did you wwong, fow you wewe 
twoth-pwight to hew. 
NYM. I cannyot t-teww; things must be as they *notices bulge* may. Men may sweep, and 
they may have t-theiw thwoats a-about them at *sweats* that time; and *blushes* some say 
knyives have edges. It must be as *moans* it may; *sighs* though p-patience be a 
^-^ tiwed mawe, yet she wiww pwod. *cries* Thewe must be concwusions. *sighs* Weww, I 
cannyot teww. 

Entew PISTOW and HOSTESS 

BAWDOWPH. Hewe c-comes Ancient ^.^ Pistow and his wife. Good Cowpowaw, be 
patient hewe. 
NYM. H-How nyow, minye host Pistow! 
PISTOW. Base tike, caww'st thou me host? 
>_> Nyow ^w^ by this hand, I sweaw I s-scown the t-tewm; 
N-Nyow shaww my Nyeww keep wodgews. 
HOSTESS. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my twoth, nyot wong; fow we cannyot wodge and boawd a 
dozen *blushes* ow fouwteen gentwewomen *sweats* that wive honyestwy ^w^ by the pwick of 
t-theiw nyeedwes, xDD but *moans* it wiww be thought we keep a bawdy-house 
stwaight. [-[Nym dwaws] O weww-a-day, Wady, if he be nyot dwawn! >_> Nyow 
we shaww see wiwfuw ;;w;; aduwtewy and muwdew committed. 
BAWDOWPH. Good Wieutenyant, good Cowpowaw, *teleports behind you* offew nyothing hewe. 
NYM. Pish! 
PISTOW. Pish fow ^w^ thee, Icewand dog! thou pwick-eaw'd *teleports behind you* cuw of 
Icewand! 
HOSTESS. Good Cowpowaw Nym, show t-thy vawouw, and p-put up youw *shuffles closer* swowd. 
NYM. Wiww you *leans over* shog off? I ^.^ wouwd have you sowus. 
PISTOW. >w< 'Sowus,' *pokes you* egwegious dog? O vipew viwe! 
The 'sowus' in t-thy most mewvaiwous face; 
The 'sowus' in t-thy teeth, and in t-thy thwoat, 
And in t-thy *sweats* hatefuw wungs, y-yea, in t-thy maw, pewdy; 
And, which is w-wowse, within t-thy n-nyasty mouth! 
I do wetowt the 'sowus' in t-thy b-bowews; 
F-Fow I can take, and Pistow's cock is up, 
And f-fwashing fiwe wiww fowwow. 
NYM. I am nyot Bawbason: you cannyot conjuwe me. I have an humouw to 
knyock you indiffewentwy weww. If you gwow f-fouw *pokes you* with me, Pistow, I 
wiww scouw you *pokes you* with my wapiew, as I may, in *looks at you* faiw tewms; if you 
^.^ wouwd wawk off I ^.^ wouwd pwick youw guts a wittwe, in good tewms, 
as I may, and thaes the humouw of it. 
PISTOW. O bwaggawt viwe and d-damnyed :3 fuwious wight! 
The gwave doth gape and doting death is nyeaw; 
Thewefowe exhawe. [PISTOW dwaws] 
BAWDOWPH. Heaw me, heaw me w-what I say: he *sweats* that stwikes the f-fiwst 
stwoke I'ww wun him up to the hiwts, as I am a s-sowdiew. 
[-[Dwaws] 
PISTOW. *looks at you* An oath of m-mickwe might; and fuwy shaww abate. 
[PISTOW and Nym ^-^ sheathe t-theiw s-swowds] 
Give me t-thy fist, t-thy fowe-foot to me give; 
Thy spiwits awe most taww. 
NYM. I wiww cut t-thy thwoat onye time *blushes* ow othew, in *looks at you* faiw tewms; *sweats* that 
is the humouw of it. 
PISTOW. 'Coupwe a gowge!' 
*teleports behind you* That is the wowd. I thee defy again. 
O hound of *screams* Cwete, think'st thou my spouse to get? 
Nyo; to the spitaw *screams* go, 
And fwom the p-powd'wing tub of infamy 
Fetch f-fowth the wazaw kite of Cwessid's kind, 
Doww T-Teawsheet she ^w^ by nyame, and h-hew espouse. 
I h-have, and I wiww x3 howd, the quondam Quickwy 
F-Fow the onwy she; and- pauca, thewe's enyough. 
Go to. 

Entew the Boy 

BOY. M-Minye host Pistow, you must come to my mastew; and youw 
hostess- he is vewy sick, and ^.^ wouwd to *twerks* bed. Good Bawdowph, p-put 
t-thy *cuddles you* face between his s-sheets, and do the office of a wawming-pan. 
Faith, he's vewy i-iww. 
BAWDOWPH. ^w^ Away, you wogue. 
HOSTESS. By my twoth, he'ww y-yiewd the cwow a pudding onye of these 
days: the King has kiww'd his heawt. Good husband, come h-home 
pwesentwy. UwU Exeunt HOSTESS and BOY 
BAWDOWPH. Come, shaww I make you xDD two fwiends? We must to F-Fwance 
togethew; why the deviw shouwd we keep knyives to cut onye 
anyothew's thwoats? 
PISTOW. Wet f-fwoods *blushes* o'ewsweww, and fiends fow f-food howw on! 
NYM. You'ww p-pay me the eight shiwwings I won of you at betting? 
PISTOW. Base is the swave *sweats* that pays. 
NYM. *teleports behind you* That n-nyow I wiww have; that's the humouw of it. 
PISTOW. As m-manhood shaww *hugs tightly* compound: OwO push home. 
[PISTOW and Nym dwaw] 
BAWDOWPH. By this swowd, he *sweats* that makes the f-fiwst thwust I'ww kiww 
:3 him; ^w^ by this swowd, I wiww. 
PISTOW. Swowd is an oath, and *twerks* oaths must have t-theiw couwse. 
[Sheathes his swowd] 
BAWDOWPH. Cowpowaw Nym, an thou wiwt be fwiends, be f-fwiends; an 
thou wiwt nyot, why then be enyemies *pokes you* with me too. uWu Pwithee p-put up. 
NYM. I shaww have my eight shiwwings I won of you at betting? 
PISTOW. A nyobwe shawt thou h-have, and ^.^ pwesent pay; 
And wiquow *sweats* wikewise wiww I give to ^w^ thee, 
And fwiendship shaww *pokes you* combinye, and bwothewhood. 
I'ww wive ^w^ by Nym and Nym shaww wive ^w^ by me. 
*looks at you* Is nyot this just? F-Fow I shaww sutwew be 
Unto the camp, and pwofits wiww accwue. 
Give me t-thy hand. 
NYM. [Sheathing his swowd] I shaww have my nyobwe? 
PISTOW. In cash most justwy paid. 
NYM. [Shaking hands] *sighs* Weww, then, that's the humouw of't. 

We-entew HOSTESS 

HOSTESS. As *giggles shyly* evew you come of women, come in quickwy to Siw John. 
Ah, poow heawt! he is so shak'd of a buwnying quotidian tewtian 
*sweats* that *moans* it is most l-wamentabwe to b-behowd. Sweet men, come to him. 
NYM. The King hath wun UwU bad humouws *teleports behind you* on the knyight; that's the even 
of it. 
PISTOW. Nym, thou hast s-spoke the wight; 
His heawt is fwacted and cowwobowate. 
NYM. The King is a good king, xDD but *moans* it must be as *moans* it may; he passes 
*blushes* some humouws and caweews. 
PISTOW. Wet us condowe the knyight; *notices bulge* fow, wambkins, we wiww l-wive. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
S-Southampton. A counciw-chambew 

Entew EXETEW, BEDFOWD, and WESTMOWEWAND 

BEDFOWD. Fowe >_< God, his Gwace is b-bowd, to twust these twaitows. 
EXETEW. They shaww be appwehended ^w^ by and b-by. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. H-How smooth and even they do beaw themsewves, 
As if awwegiance in t-theiw bosoms sat, 
Cwownyed *pokes you* with faith and constant woyawty! 
BEDFOWD. The King hath *pokes you* nyote of aww *sweats* that they intend, 
By intewception which they d-dweam nyot of. 
EXETEW. Nyay, xDD but the man *sweats* that was his bedfewwow, 
Whom he hath duww'd and cwoy'd *pokes you* with g-gwacious favouws- 
*teleports behind you* That he shouwd, fow a foweign ^.^ puwse, so *notices bulge* seww 
His OwO soveweign's wife to death and tweachewy! 

Twumpets sound. Entew the KING, SCWOOP, 
*pokes you* CAMBWIDGE, :33 GWEY, and attendants 

KING HENWY. >_> Nyow sits the *cuddles you* wind uWu faiw, and we wiww aboawd. 
My Wowd of Cambwidge, and my k-kind Wowd of Masham, 
And y-you, my g-gentwe knyight, give me youw thoughts. 
Think you nyot *sweats* that the p-pow'ws we beaw *pokes you* with us 
Wiww cut t-theiw passage uWu thwough the fowce of F-Fwance, 
Doing the execution and the act 
F-Fow which we have in *sweats* head a-assembwed them? 
SCWOOP. Nyo doubt, my wiege, if each man do his best. 
KING HENWY. I d-doubt nyot that, s-since we awe weww p-pewsuaded 
We cawwy nyot a heawt *pokes you* with us fwom hence 
*teleports behind you* That gwows nyot in a *looks at you* faiw consent *pokes you* with ouws; 
N-Nyow weave nyot onye UwU behind *sweats* that doth nyot wish 
Success and *moans* conquest to a-attend *teleports behind you* on us. 
CAMBWIDGE. Nyevew was monyawch bettew feaw'd and *notices bulge* wov'd 
*notices bulge* Than is youw Majesty. >_> Thewe's nyot, I think, a subject 
*teleports behind you* That sits in heawt-gwief and unyeasinyes 
Undew the sweet shade of youw govewnment. 
GWEY. :3 Twue: those *sweats* that wewe youw fathew's enyemies 
Have steep'd t-theiw gawws in honyey, and do sewve you 
With heawts c-cweate of duty and of zeaw. 
KING HENWY. We thewefowe have gweat c-cause of thankfuwnyess, 
And shaww fowget the office of o-ouw h-hand 
Soonyew than quittance of desewt and mewit 
Accowding to the *looks at you* weight and w-wowthinyess. 
SCWOOP. So sewvice shaww *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* steewed sinyews toiw, 
And wabouw shaww wefwesh i-itsewf *pokes you* with hope, 
To do youw Gwace incessant sewvices. 
KING HENWY. We judge nyo wess. Uncwe of E-Exetew, 
Enwawge the man committed *looks away* yestewday 
*teleports behind you* That waiw'd against o-ouw p-pewson. We considew 
It was ^w^ excess of winye *sweats* that set him on; 
And *teleports behind you* on his mowe advice we pawdon him. 
SCWOOP. That's :3 mewcy, xDD but too much secuwity. 
Wet him be punyish'd, soveweign, west exampwe 
Bweed, ^w^ by his UwU suffewance, mowe of such a kind. 
KING HENWY. O, wet us yet be mewcifuw! 
CAMBWIDGE. So may youw Highnyess, and yet p-punyish too. 
GWEY. Siw, 
Y-You show gweat mewcy if you give him l-wife, 
Aftew the taste of much c-cowwection. 
KING HENWY. A-Awas, youw too much wove and OwO cawe of me 
Awe heavy owisons 'gainst this poow wwetch! 
If wittwe fauwts pwoceeding *teleports behind you* on d-distempew 
Shaww nyot be wink'd at, how shaww we stwetch o-ouw eye 
When capitaw cwimes, chew'd, *sighs* swawwow'd, and d-digested, 
A-Appeaw befowe us? We'ww yet enwawge *sweats* that m-man, 
Though Cambwidge, Scwoop, and ;;w;; Gwey, in t-theiw deaw OwO cawe 
And tendew *shuffles closer* pwesewvation of o-ouw *moans* pewson, 
Wouwd have him punyish'd. And n-nyow to o-ouw Fwench causes: 
Who awe the *looks away* wate commissionyews? 
CAMBWIDGE. I ^.^ onye, my l-wowd. 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess bade me ask fow *moans* it to-day. 
SCWOOP. So did you me, my wiege. 
GWEY. And I, my woyaw soveweign. 
KING HENWY. Then, Wichawd E-Eaww of Cambwidge, thewe is y-youws; 
*cries* Thewe youws, Wowd Scwoop of Masham; and, Siw Knyight, 
Gwey of Nyowthumbewwand, this same is youws. 
Wead them, and knyow I knyow youw w-wowthinyess. 
My Wowd of Westmowewand, and uncwe E-Exetew, 
We wiww aboawd to-nyight. W-Why, how nyow, gentwemen? 
What see you in those papews, *sweats* that you wose 
So much compwexion? Wook ye how they change! 
T-Theiw cheeks awe papew. W-Why, w-what xDD wead you thewe 
*teleports behind you* That have so cowawded and chas'd youw b-bwood 
Out of :3 appeawance? 
CAMBWIDGE. I do *cuddles you* confess my fauwt, 
And do submit me to youw Highnyess' mewcy. 
:33 GWEY, SCWOOP. To which we aww appeaw. 
KING HENWY. The mewcy *sweats* that was quick in us xDD but *looks away* wate 
By youw own ^-^ counsew is suppwess'd and kiww'd. 
Y-You must nyot OwO dawe, fow shame, to tawk of mewcy; 
F-Fow youw own weasons tuwn into youw bosoms 
As dogs upon t-theiw *looks away* mastews, w-wowwying you. 
See y-you, my pwinces and my nyobwe peews, 
These Engwish monstews! My Wowd of Cambwidge h-hewe- 
Y-You knyow how apt o-ouw wove was to *cuddles you* accowd 
To *shuffles closer* fuwnyish him *pokes you* with an appewtinyents 
B-Bewonging to his honyouw; and this man 
*twerks* Hath, fow a f-few wight *moans* cwowns, wightwy conspiw'd, 
And swown unto the pwactices of F-Fwance 
To kiww us x3 hewe in Hampton; to the which 
This knyight, nyo wess fow bounty bound to us 
*notices bulge* Than Cambwidge *screams* is, hath *sweats* wikewise swown. But, O, 
What shaww I say to ^w^ thee, Wowd Scwoop, thou cwuew, 
Ingwatefuw, savage, and :3 inhuman c-cweatuwe? 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that didst beaw the key of aww my counsews, 
*teleports behind you* That knyew'st the vewy bottom of my souw, 
*teleports behind you* That awmost mightst have coin'd me into gowd, 
W-Wouwdst thou have pwactis'd *teleports behind you* on me fow t-thy use- 
May *moans* it be possibwe *sweats* that foweign hiwe 
*shuffles closer* Couwd out of thee extwact onye spawk of eviw 
*teleports behind you* That might annyoy my *cries* fingew? 'Tis so stwange 
That, *sighs* though the uWu twuth of *moans* it stands off as gwoss 
As bwack and *giggles shyly* white, my eye wiww scawcewy see it. 
Tweason and muwdew *giggles shyly* evew kept togethew, 
As xDD two yoke-deviws swown to eithew's puwpose, 
Wowking so gwosswy in a n-nyatuwaw c-cause 
*teleports behind you* That admiwation did nyot whoop at them; 
But thou, 'gainst aww pwopowtion, didst b-bwing in 
;;w;; Wondew to *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on tweason and *teleports behind you* on muwdew; 
And whatsoevew cunnying fiend *moans* it was 
*teleports behind you* That wwought upon thee so pwepostewouswy 
Hath got the *cuddles you* voice in heww fow excewwence; 
And othew *cuddles you* deviws *sweats* that suggest ^w^ by tweasons 
Do b-botch and bungwe up damnyation 
With p-patches, cowouws, and *pokes you* with fowms, being f-fetch'd 
Fwom gwist'wing sembwances of piety; 
But he *sweats* that tempew'd thee bade thee *looks at you* stand up, 
*cries* Gave thee nyo instance why thou shouwdst do tweason, 
*leans over* Unwess to d-dub thee *pokes you* with the nyame of *leans over* twaitow. 
If *sweats* that same d-demon *sweats* that hath *cuddles you* guww'd thee t-thus 
Shouwd *pokes you* with his wion gait wawk the whowe wowwd, 
He might r-wetuwn to vasty Tawtaw back, 
And teww the l-wegions *sighs* 'I can nyevew win 
A souw so e-easy as *sweats* that E-Engwishman's.' 
O, how hast thou *pokes you* with j-jeawousy *twerks* infected 
The sweetnyess of *notices bulge* affiance! Show men dutifuw? 
W-Why, so didst *giggles shyly* thou. Seem they gwave and weawnyed? 
W-Why, so didst *giggles shyly* thou. Come they of nyobwe f-famiwy? 
W-Why, so didst *giggles shyly* thou. Seem they wewigious? 
W-Why, so didst *giggles shyly* thou. Ow awe they uWu spawe in diet, 
Fwee fwom gwoss passion *blushes* ow of miwth *blushes* ow angew, 
Constant in spiwit, nyot swewving *pokes you* with the b-bwood, 
Gawnyish'd and deck'd in modest compwement, 
Nyot w-wowking *pokes you* with the eye without the eaw, 
And xDD but in puwged judgment twusting nyeithew? 
*screams* Such and so *moans* finyewy b-bowted didst thou seem; 
And t-thus t-thy faww hath >w< weft a k-kind of bwot 
To mawk the f-fuww-fwaught man and best UwU indued 
With *blushes* some suspicion. I wiww weep fow thee; 
F-Fow this wevowt of thinye, methinks, is wike 
Anyothew faww of *pokes you* man. T-Theiw fauwts awe open. 
Awwest them to the *sighs* answew of the waw; 
And OwO God acquit them of t-theiw pwactices! 
EXETEW. I awwest thee of ^.^ high tweason, ^w^ by the nyame of Wichawd E-Eaww 
of Cambwidge. 
I awwest thee of ^.^ high tweason, ^w^ by the nyame of Henwy Wowd Scwoop 
of *teleports behind you* Masham. 
I awwest thee of ^.^ high tweason, ^w^ by the nyame of Thomas ;;w;; Gwey, 
knyight, of Nyowthumbewwand. 
SCWOOP. Ouw puwposes OwO God justwy hath discovew'd, 
And I wepent my fauwt mowe than my death; 
Which I beseech youw *sweats* Highnyess to fowgive, 
Awthough my body p-pay the pwice of it. 
CAMBWIDGE. F-Fow me, the gowd of F-Fwance did nyot seduce, 
Awthough I did admit *moans* it as a motive 
The soonyew to effect w-what I intended; 
But OwO God be uWu thanked fow pwevention, 
Which I in suffewance heawtiwy wiww wejoice, 
Beseeching OwO God and you to pawdon me. 
GWEY. Nyevew did >_> faithfuw subject mowe wejoice 
At the discovewy of most d-dangewous tweason 
*notices bulge* Than I do at this houw joy o'ew *twerks* mysewf, 
Pwevented fwom a d-damnyed entewpwise. 
My fauwt, xDD but nyot my body, pawdon, soveweign. 
KING HENWY. OwO God *teleports behind you* quit you in his ^-^ mewcy! Heaw youw sentence. 
Y-You have conspiw'd against o-ouw woyaw *moans* pewson, 
Join'd *pokes you* with an enyemy pwocwaim'd, and fwom his >_> coffews 
Weceiv'd the gowden eawnyest of o-ouw death; 
Whewein you ^.^ wouwd have sowd youw king to uWu swaughtew, 
His pwinces and his *leans over* peews to *looks away* sewvitude, 
His subjects to oppwession and contempt, 
And his whowe kingdom into desowation. 
Touching o-ouw pewson seek we nyo wevenge; 
But we o-ouw kingdom's safety must so tendew, 
Whose wuin you have >_< sought, *sweats* that to h-hew waws 
We do dewivew you. Get you thewefowe hence, 
Poow misewabwe wwetches, to youw death; 
The taste wheweof OwO God of his mewcy give 
Y-You p-patience to enduwe, and twue *giggles shyly* wepentance 
Of aww youw deaw offences. *looks at you* Beaw them hence. 
UwU Exeunt *pokes you* CAMBWIDGE, SCWOOP, and :33 GWEY, guawded 
Nyow, wowds, fow Fwance; the entewpwise wheweof 
Shaww be to you as us wike gwowious. 
We d-doubt nyot of a *looks at you* faiw and wucky waw, 
Since OwO God so gwaciouswy hath >w< bwought to wight 
This d-dangewous tweason, wuwking in o-ouw way 
To hindew o-ouw beginnyings; we d-doubt nyot n-nyow 
But evewy wub is s-smoothed *teleports behind you* on o-ouw way. 
Then, fowth, deaw countwymen; wet us dewivew 
Ouw puissance into the h-hand of >_< God, 
Putting *moans* it stwaight in expedition. 
Cheewwy to sea; the signs of waw advance; 
Nyo king of Engwand, if nyot king of Fwance! 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Eastcheap. B-Befowe the Boaw's Head tavewn 

Entew *cuddles you* PISTOW, H-HOSTESS, NYM, B-BAWDOWPH, and Boy 

HOSTESS. Pwithee, honyey-sweet husband, wet me b-bwing thee to 
S-Stainyes. 
PISTOW. Nyo; fow my manwy heawt doth eawn. 
Bawdowph, be bwithe; Nym, r-wouse t-thy vaunting v-veins; 
Boy, bwistwe t-thy couwage up. F-Fow Fawstaff he is dead, 
And we must eawn thewefowe. 
BAWDOWPH. Wouwd I wewe *pokes you* with him, whewesome'ew he *screams* is, ^w^ eithew in 
heaven *blushes* ow in heww! 
HOSTESS. Nyay, suwe, he's nyot in heww: he's in Awthuw's bosom, if 
*giggles shyly* evew man went to Awthuw's bosom. 'A made a uWu finyew end, and went 
away an *moans* it h-had been any chwistom chiwd; *leans over* 'a pawted >w< ev'n *shuffles closer* just 
between t-twewve and ^.^ onye, >w< ev'n at the x3 tuwnying o' th' tide; fow 
aftew I *moans* saw him fumbwe *pokes you* with the s-sheets, and pway *pokes you* with f-fwowews, 
and smiwe upon his fingews' end, I knyew thewe was xDD but onye way; 
fow his nyose was as shawp as a p-pen, and *leans over* 'a babbw'd of gween 
fiewds. 'How nyow, Siw *notices bulge* John!' *screams* quoth I *cuddles you* 'What, m-man, be o' good 
cheew.' So *leans over* 'a cwied out '-'God, >_< God, God!' thwee *blushes* ow fouw times. >_> Nyow 
I, to comfowt him, bid him *leans over* 'a shouwd nyot think of God; I hop'd 
thewe was nyo nyeed to t-twoubwe himsewf *pokes you* with any such *hugs tightly* thoughts yet. 
So *leans over* 'a bade me *looks at you* way mowe cwothes *teleports behind you* on his feet; I p-put my h-hand into 
the b-bed and fewt them, and they wewe as cowd as any stonye; then I 
fewt to his knyees, and so >_> upwawd and upwawd, and aww was as cowd 
as any stonye. 
NYM. They say he cwied out of sack. 
HOSTESS. :33 Ay, *sweats* that *leans over* 'a did. 
BAWDOWPH. And of women. 
HOSTESS. Nyay, *sweats* that *leans over* 'a did nyot. 
BOY. Yes, *sweats* that *leans over* 'a did, and s-said they wewe *cuddles you* deviws incawnyate. 
HOSTESS. 'A couwd nyevew abide cawnyation; '-'twas a *teleports behind you* cowouw he nyevew 
UwU wiked. 
BOY. 'A s-said once the deviw ^.^ wouwd have him a-about women. 
HOSTESS. 'A did in *blushes* some sowt, indeed, >_> handwe women; xDD but then he was 
^-^ wheumatic, and tawk'd of the Whowe of Babywon. 
BOY. Do you nyot wemembew *leans over* 'a *moans* saw a fwea stick upon *moans* Bawdowph's n-nyose, 
and *leans over* 'a s-said *moans* it was a bwack souw buwnying in :33 heww? 
BAWDOWPH. *sighs* Weww, the fuew is g-gonye *sweats* that maintain'd *sweats* that fiwe: that's 
aww the wiches I got in his sewvice. 
NYM. Shaww we shog? The King wiww be g-gonye fwom S-Southampton. 
PISTOW. Come, wet's a-away. My wove, give me t-thy wips. 
Wook to my chattwes and my moveabwes; 
Wet senses wuwe. The wowd is 'Pitch and Pay.' 
Twust nyonye; 
F-Fow *twerks* oaths awe stwaws, men's faiths awe wafew-cakes, 
And Howdfast is the onwy d-dog, my duck. 
Thewefowe, >w< Caveto be t-thy counsewwow. 
Go, cweaw t-thy cwystaws. Y-Yoke-fewwows in awms, 
Wet us to F-Fwance, wike howse-weeches, my *cries* boys, 
To suck, to suck, the vewy b-bwood to suck. 
BOY. And that's xDD but unwhowesome food, they say. 
PISTOW. Touch h-hew soft mouth and m-mawch. 
BAWDOWPH. Faweweww, hostess. [Kissing hew] 
NYM. I cannyot k-kiss, *sweats* that is the humouw of it; xDD but adieu. 
PISTOW. Wet housewifewy a-appeaw; keep cwose, I thee *sweats* command. 
HOSTESS. Faweweww; adieu. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Fwance. The KING'S pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the F-FWENCH KING, the DAUPHIN, the DUKES OF BEWWI 
and BWITAINyE, the CONSTABWE, and o-othews 

F-FWENCH KING. Thus c-comes the Engwish *pokes you* with fuww *cries* powew upon us; 
And mowe than *shuffles closer* cawefuwwy *moans* it us concewns 
To *sighs* answew r-woyawwy in o-ouw *twerks* defences. 
Thewefowe the Dukes of Bewwi and of Bwitainye, 
Of >w< Bwabant and of Owweans, shaww make fowth, 
And y-you, Pwince Dauphin, *pokes you* with aww swift dispatch, 
To xDD winye and nyew r-wepaiw o-ouw towns of waw 
With men of couwage and *pokes you* with means defendant; 
F-Fow Engwand his appwoaches makes as fiewce 
As watews to the sucking of a guwf. 
It fits us, then, to be as pwovident 
As feaw may teach us, out of *looks away* wate exampwes 
*looks at you* Weft ^w^ by the fataw and nyegwected Engwish 
^-^ Upon o-ouw fiewds. 
DAUPHIN. My most wedoubted fathew, 
It is most meet we awm us 'gainst the foe; 
F-Fow peace i-itsewf shouwd nyot so duww a kingdom, 
Though waw n-nyow nyo *teleports behind you* knyown quawwew wewe in question, 
But *sweats* that defences, mustews, pwepawations, 
Shouwd be *screams* maintain'd, assembwed, and cowwected, 
As wewe a waw in expectation. 
Thewefowe, I say, 'tis meet we aww go f-fowth 
To view the sick and feebwe *hugs tightly* pawts of Fwance; 
And wet us do *moans* it *pokes you* with nyo show of feaw- 
N-Nyo, *pokes you* with nyo mowe than if we h-heawd *sweats* that Engwand 
Wewe b-busied *pokes you* with a Whitsun mowwis-dance; 
Fow, my good wiege, she is so idwy king'd, 
Hew *sweats* sceptwe so fantasticawwy bownye 
By a vain, g-giddy, shawwow, humowous >_< youth, 
*teleports behind you* That feaw attends h-hew nyot. 
CONSTABWE. O peace, Pwince Dauphin! 
Y-You awe too much mistaken in this king. 
*pokes you* Question youw Gwace the *looks away* wate ambassadows 
With w-what gweat state he h-heawd t-theiw embassy, 
H-How weww suppwied *pokes you* with nyobwe counsewwows, 
H-How modest in exception, and *shuffles closer* withaw 
H-How x3 tewwibwe in constant wesowution, 
And you shaww find his vanyities fowespent 
Wewe xDD but the outside of the Woman Bwutus, 
Covewing discwetion *pokes you* with a coat of *hugs tightly* fowwy; 
As gawdenyews do *pokes you* with >w< owduwe hide those woots 
*teleports behind you* That shaww f-fiwst spwing and be most *giggles shyly* dewicate. 
DAUPHIN. *sighs* Weww, 'tis nyot so, my Wowd High C-Constabwe; 
But *sighs* though we think *moans* it so, *moans* it is nyo mattew. 
In cases of defence 'tis best to weigh 
The enyemy mowe mighty than he seems; 
So the pwopowtions of defence awe fiww'd; 
Which of a weak and nyiggawdwy pwojection 
Doth wike a m-misew spoiw his coat *pokes you* with scanting 
A wittwe cwoth. 
F-FWENCH KING. Think we King Hawwy s-stwong; 
And, Pwinces, wook you *shuffles closer* stwongwy awm to meet him. 
The kindwed of him hath been f-fwesh'd upon us; 
And he is bwed out of *sweats* that bwoody s-stwain 
*teleports behind you* That haunted us in o-ouw f-famiwiaw paths. 
Witnyess o-ouw too much memowabwe shame 
When Cwessy battwe fatawwy was stwuck, 
And aww o-ouw pwinces capdv'd ^w^ by the h-hand 
Of *sweats* that bwack nyame, >_> Edwawd, Bwack Pwince of Wawes; 
Whiwes *sweats* that his mountain siwe- *teleports behind you* on mountain standing, 
U-Up in the aiw, c-cwown'd *pokes you* with the gowden sun- 
Saw his hewoicaw seed, and ^.^ smiw'd to see him, 
Mangwe the wowk of nyatuwe, and *sweats* deface 
The pattewns *sweats* that ^w^ by OwO God and ^w^ by Fwench f-fathews 
Had twenty y-yeaws been made. This is a stewn 
Of *sweats* that victowious stock; and wet us feaw 
The n-nyative mightinyess and f-fate of him. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Ambassadows fwom Hawwy King of Engwand 
Do c-cwave admittance to youw Majesty. 
F-FWENCH KING. We'ww give them ^.^ pwesent audience. Go and b-bwing them. 
UwU Exeunt MESSENGEW and cewtain WOWDS 
Y-You see this c-chase is hotwy fowwowed, xDD fwiends. 
DAUPHIN. Tuwn *sweats* head and stop puwsuit; fow cowawd dogs 
Most spend t-theiw *hugs tightly* mouths when w-what they seem to *looks away* thweaten 
Wuns faw befowe them. Good my soveweign, 
Take up the Engwish showt, and wet them knyow 
Of w-what a monyawchy you awe the h-head. 
Sewf-wove, my wiege, is nyot so viwe a sin 
As sewf-nyegwecting. 

We-entew :33 WOWDS, *pokes you* with EXETEW and twain 

F-FWENCH KING. Fwom o-ouw b-bwothew of Engwand? 
EXETEW. Fwom him, and t-thus he xDD gweets youw M-Majesty: 
He w-wiwws y-you, in the nyame of OwO God Awmighty, 
*teleports behind you* That you d-divest youwsewf, and *looks at you* way apawt 
The bowwowed gwowies *sweats* that ^w^ by gift of heaven, 
By waw of nyatuwe and of nyations, 'wongs 
To him and to his h-heiws- nyamewy, the cwown, 
And aww wide-stwetched honyouws *sweats* that pewtain, 
By custom and the >_> owdinyance of times, 
Unto the cwown of Fwance. *teleports behind you* That you may knyow 
'Tis nyo sinyistew n-nyow nyo awkwawd cwaim, 
Pick'd fwom the wowm-howes of wong-vanyish'd *screams* days, 
N-Nyow fwom the dust of owd obwivion wak'd, 
He *shuffles closer* sends you this most memowabwe winye, [Gives a *screams* papew] 
In evewy b-bwanch twuwy demonstwative; 
Wiwwing you o-ovewwook this pedigwee. 
And when you find him evenwy dewiv'd 
Fwom his most fam'd of famous ancestows, 
Edwawd the Thiwd, he b-bids you then wesign 
Youw cwown and kingdom, indiwectwy hewd 
Fwom him, the n-nyative and twue chawwengew. 
F-FWENCH KING. Ow e-ewse w-what *cuddles you* fowwows? 
EXETEW. *cuddles you* Bwoody constwaint; fow if you hide the cwown 
Even in youw heawts, thewe wiww he wake fow it. 
Thewefowe in fiewce *cries* tempest is he c-coming, 
In thundew and in OwO eawthquake, wike a Jove, 
*teleports behind you* That if >_> wequiwing faiw, he wiww OwO compew; 
And b-bids y-you, in the bowews of the Wowd, 
Dewivew up the cwown; and to take mewcy 
On the poow s-souws fow whom this hungwy waw 
Opens his vasty jaws; and *teleports behind you* on youw *sweats* head 
Tuwnying the widows' teaws, the owphans' cwies, 
The dead men's b-bwood, the pwivy maidens' *sweats* gwoans, 
F-Fow husbands, f-fathews, and betwothed wovews, 
*teleports behind you* That shaww be *shuffles closer* swawwowed in this contwovewsy. 
This is his cwaim, his thweat'nying, and my message; 
*leans over* Unwess the Dauphin be in :33 pwesence hewe, 
To whom expwesswy I b-bwing gweeting too. 
F-FWENCH KING. F-Fow us, we wiww considew of this f-fuwthew; 
To-mowwow shaww you beaw o-ouw fuww intent 
Back to o-ouw b-bwothew of Engwand. 
DAUPHIN. F-Fow the :3 Dauphin: 
I *looks at you* stand x3 hewe fow him. What to him fwom Engwand? 
EXETEW. Scown and defiance, s-swight wegawd, contempt, 
And anything *sweats* that may nyot misbecome 
The mighty sendew, doth he pwize you at. 
Thus says my king: an if youw fathew's *sweats* Highnyess 
Do nyot, in gwant of aww demands at wawge, 
>_> Sweeten the bittew mock you OwO sent his Majesty, 
He'ww *giggles shyly* caww you to so hot an *sighs* answew of *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That c-caves and womby v-vauwtages of F-Fwance 
Shaww chide youw *sighs* twespass and r-wetuwn youw mock 
In second accent of his owdinyance. 
DAUPHIN. Say, if my fathew wendew *looks at you* faiw r-wetuwn, 
It is against my wiww; fow I desiwe 
Nyothing xDD but odds *pokes you* with Engwand. To *sweats* that end, 
As matching to his youth and v-vanyity, 
I did ^.^ pwesent him *pokes you* with the Pawis bawws. 
EXETEW. He'ww make youw Pawis L-Wouvwe s-shake fow it, 
Wewe *moans* it the *notices bulge* mistwess couwt of mighty E-Euwope; 
And be assuw'd y-you'ww find a diffewence, 
As we his subjects have in wondew found, 
B-Between the pwomise of his gweenyew days 
And these he mastews nyow. >_> Nyow he weighs time 
Even to the utmost gwain; *sweats* that you shaww xDD wead 
In youw own wosses, if he >_< stay in Fwance. 
F-FWENCH KING. To-mowwow shaww you knyow o-ouw mind at fuww. 
EXETEW. Dispatch us *pokes you* with aww speed, west *sweats* that o-ouw king 
Come x3 hewe himsewf to question o-ouw deway; 
F-Fow he is *pokes you* footed in this wand awweady. 
F-FWENCH KING. Y-You shaww be soon dispatch'd *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw conditions. 
A nyight is xDD but smaww >_< bweath and wittwe *sighs* pause 
To *sighs* answew *teleports behind you* mattews of this consequence. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. PWOWOGUE. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew CHOWUS 

*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. Thus *pokes you* with imagin'd w-wing o-ouw swift scenye f-fwies, 
In motion of nyo wess cewewity 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that of thought. Suppose *sweats* that you have :33 seen 
The weww-appointed King at Hampton piew 
x3 Embawk his *sweats* woyawty; and his bwave fweet 
With siwken stweamews the young Phowbus fannying. 
Pway *pokes you* with youw f-fancies; and in them behowd 
^-^ Upon the *sweats* hempen tackwe ship-boys c-cwimbing; 
Heaw the s-shwiww whistwe which doth owdew give 
To sounds confus'd; behowd the *looks at you* thweaden saiws, 
Bownye *pokes you* with th' invisibwe and cweeping wind, 
>_< Dwaw the huge bottoms uWu thwough the fuwwowed sea, 
Bweasting the wofty suwge. O, do xDD but think 
Y-You *looks at you* stand upon the wivage and behowd 
A city *teleports behind you* on th' inconstant biwwows dancing; 
F-Fow so a-appeaws this fweet uWu majesticaw, 
Howding due *blushes* couwse to Hawfweuw. Fowwow, fowwow! 
Gwappwe youw minds to stewnyage of this nyavy 
And weave youw Engwand as dead midnyight stiww, 
*looks away* Guawded *pokes you* with gwandsiwes, babies, and owd women, 
Eithew past *blushes* ow nyot *looks at you* awwiv'd to pith and puissance; 
F-Fow w-who is he :33 whose chin is xDD but enwich'd 
With onye UwU appeawing haiw *sweats* that wiww nyot f-fowwow 
These cuww'd and choice-dwawn cavawiews to Fwance? 
Wowk, wowk youw thoughts, and thewein see a siege; 
*screams* Behowd the owdnyance *teleports behind you* on t-theiw cawwiages, 
With fataw *hugs tightly* mouths gaping *teleports behind you* on giwded Hawfweuw. 
Suppose th' ambassadow fwom the Fwench c-comes back; 
Tewws Hawwy *sweats* that the King doth *teleports behind you* offew him 
Kathewinye his daughtew, and *pokes you* with h-hew to *blushes* dowwy 
Some petty and unpwofitabwe dukedoms. 
The *teleports behind you* offew wikes nyot; and the n-nyimbwe gunnyew 
With winstock n-nyow the deviwish cannyon touches, 
[Awawum, and chambews go off] 
And down goes an befowe them. Stiww be kind, 
And eke out o-ouw pewfowmance *pokes you* with youw mind. Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE I. 
Fwance. B-Befowe Hawfweuw 

Awawum. Entew the KING, EXETEW, BEDFOWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, 
and sowdiews *pokes you* with scawing-waddews 

KING. O-Once mowe unto the bweach, deaw fwiends, once *looks away* mowe; 
Ow cwose the *moans* waww up *pokes you* with o-ouw Engwish dead. 
In peace thewe's nyothing so becomes a man 
As modest stiwwnyess and humiwity; 
But when the bwast of waw bwows in o-ouw :3 eaws, 
T-Then *cries* imitate the action of the t-tigew: 
Stiffen the sinyews, summon up the b-bwood, 
Disguise *looks at you* faiw nyatuwe *pokes you* with hawd-favouw'd r-wage; 
T-Then UwU wend the eye a x3 tewwibwe aspect; 
Wet *moans* it *cries* pwy uWu thwough the powtage of the *sweats* head 
Wike the b-bwass cannyon: wet the b-bwow o'ewwhewm *moans* it 
As feawfuwwy as doth a gawwed wock 
O'ewhang and jutty his confounded base, 
Swiww'd *pokes you* with the w-wiwd and wastefuw o-ocean. 
>_> Nyow set the teeth and stwetch the nyostwiw *hugs tightly* wide; 
H-Howd hawd the bweath, and *looks away* bend up evewy spiwit 
To his fuww height. On, on, you nyobwest Engwish, 
Whose b-bwood is *twerks* fet fwom f-fathews of waw-pwoof- 
F-Fathews *sweats* that wike so many Awexandews 
Have in these *hugs tightly* pawts fwom m-mown tiww even fought, 
And sheath'd t-theiw ^w^ swowds fow wack of awgument. 
Dishonyouw nyot youw mothews; n-nyow attest 
*teleports behind you* That those whom you c-caww'd f-fathews did beget you. 
Be copy n-nyow to men of >_< gwossew b-bwood, 
And teach them how to waw. And y-you, good yeomen, 
Whose wimbs wewe made in Engwand, show us x3 hewe 
The >_> mettwe of youw pastuwe; wet us sweaw 
*teleports behind you* That you awe wowth youw b-bweeding- which I d-doubt nyot; 
F-Fow thewe is nyonye of you so *looks at you* mean and base 
*teleports behind you* That hath nyot nyobwe wustwe in youw eyes. 
I see you *looks at you* stand wike gweyhounds in the swips, 
S-Stwainying upon the stawt. The game's afoot: 
Fowwow youw *sighs* spiwit; and upon this chawge 
Cwy 'God fow Hawwy, Engwand, and Saint Geowge!' 
[-[Exeunt. Awawum, and chambews go off] 




SCENyE II. 
B-Befowe Hawfweuw 

Entew NYM, B-BAWDOWPH, *cuddles you* PISTOW, and BOY 

BAWDOWPH. On, on, on, on, on! to the bweach, to the bweach! 
NYM. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, Cowpowaw, stay; the knyocks awe too hot, and fow 
minye own *cries* pawt I have nyot a *screams* case of wives. The humouw of *moans* it is too 
hot; *sweats* that is the vewy pwain-song of it. 
PISTOW. The pwain-song is most j-just; fow humouws do a-abound: 

Knyocks go and come; God's vassaws dwop and die; 
And swowd and shiewd 
In bwoody fiewd 
Doth win *moans* immowtaw fame. 

BOY. Wouwd I wewe in an awehouse in Wondon! I wouid give aww my 
fame fow a pot of *looks away* awe and safety. 
PISTOW. And I: 

If uWu wishes ^.^ wouwd p-pwevaiw *pokes you* with me, 
My puwpose shouwd nyot *sweats* faiw *pokes you* with me, 
But thithew ^.^ wouwd I hie. 

BOY. As duwy, xDD but nyot as twuwy, 
As biwd doth sing *teleports behind you* on bough. 

Entew FWUEWWEN 

*leans over* FWUEWWEN. U-Up to the bweach, you d-dogs! 
Avaunt, you cuwwions! [Dwiving them f-fowwawd] 
PISTOW. Be mewcifuw, gweat d-duke, to men of mouwd. 
Abate t-thy wage, abate t-thy manwy r-wage; 
Abate t-thy wage, gweat duke. 
Good bawcock, bate t-thy wage. U-Use wenyity, sweet chuck. 
NYM. These be good h-humouws. Youw honyouw w-wins UwU bad h-humouws. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but BOY 
BOY. As young as I am, I have obsewv'd these thwee swashews. I am 
*cries* boy to them aww *twerks* thwee; xDD but aww they thwee, *sighs* though they ^.^ wouwd 
sewve me, couwd nyot be man to me; fow indeed thwee such antics do 
nyot amount to a *pokes you* man. F-Fow Bawdowph, he is white-wivew'd and 
r-wed-fac'd; ^w^ by the means wheweof *leans over* 'a faces *moans* it *pokes you* out, xDD but f-fights nyot. 
F-Fow Pistow, he hath a kiwwing t-tongue and a quiet swowd; ^w^ by the 
means wheweof *leans over* 'a bweaks wowds and keeps whowe weapons. F-Fow Nym, 
he hath h-heawd *sweats* that men of f-few wowds awe the best men, and 
thewefowe he x3 scowns to say his pwayews west *leans over* 'a shouwd be thought 
a c-cowawd; xDD but his f-few UwU bad wowds awe match'd *pokes you* with as f-few good 
deeds; fow *leans over* 'a nyevew b-bwoke any man's *sweats* head xDD but his o-own, and *sweats* that 
was against a post when he was dwunk. They wiww s-steaw anything, 
and *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it p-puwchase. Bawdowph s-stowe a wute-case, xDD bowe *moans* it t-twewve 
weagues, and sowd *moans* it fow thwee hawfpence. Nym and Bawdowph awe 
swown bwothews in fiwching, and in Cawais they s-stowe a 
f-fiwe-shovew; I knyew ^w^ by *sweats* that piece of sewvice the men ^.^ wouwd cawwy 
coaws. They ^.^ wouwd have me as f-famiwiaw *pokes you* with men's pockets as t-theiw 
:33 gwoves *blushes* ow t-theiw handkewchews; which makes much against my 
manhood, if I shouwd take fwom anyothew's pocket to p-put into minye; 
fow *moans* it is pwain p-pocketing up of wwongs. I must weave them and 
seek *blushes* some bettew sewvice; t-theiw viwwainy goes against my weak 
stomach, and thewefowe I must OwO cast *moans* it up. Exit 

We-entew FWUEWWEN, GOWEW fowwowing 

GOWEW. Captain Fwuewwen, you must come p-pwesentwy to the *moans* minyes; the 
D-Duke of Gwoucestew ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. To the minyes! Teww you the D-Duke *moans* it is nyot so good to come 
to the *moans* minyes; *notices bulge* fow, wook y-you, the minyes is nyot accowding to the 
:3 discipwinyes of the waw; the concavities of *moans* it is nyot s-sufficient. 
Fow, wook y-you, th' a-athvewsawy- you may discuss unto the Duke, 
wook you- is digt himsewf fouw yawd undew the countewminyes; ^w^ by 
Cheshu, I think *leans over* 'a wiww p-pwow up a-aww, if thewe is nyot bettew 
diwections. 
GOWEW. The D-Duke of Gwoucestew, to whom the owdew of the siege is 
g-given, is awtogethew diwected ^w^ by an Iwishman- a vewy vawwant 
g-gentweman, i-i' faith. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. It is Captain M-Macmowwis, is *moans* it nyot? 
GOWEW. I think *moans* it be. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. By Cheshu, he is an ass, as in the wowwd: I wiww *sighs* vewify 
as much in his beawd; he has nyo mowe d-diwections in the twue 
:3 discipwinyes of the waws, wook y-you, of the Woman *looks away* discipwinyes, than 
is a puppy-dog. 

Entew MACMOWWIS and C-CAPTAIN JAMY 

GOWEW. Hewe *leans over* 'a comes; and the Scots captain, Captain Jamy, *pokes you* with 
him. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Captain Jamy is a mawvewwous fawowous g-gentweman, *sweats* that is 
>_< cewtain, and of gweat expedition and knyowwedge in th' aunchient 
waws, upon my pawticuwaw knyowwedge of his diwections. By Cheshu, 
he wiww m-maintain his awgument as weww as any miwitawy man in the 
wowwd, in the :3 discipwinyes of the p-pwistinye waws of the Womans. 
JAMY. I say gud day, Captain ^.^ Fwuewwen. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. God-den to youw wowship, good Captain James. 
GOWEW. H-How nyow, Captain *pokes you* Macmowwis! Have you *teleports behind you* quit the *twerks* minyes? Have 
the *cuddles you* pionyeews given o'ew? 
MACMOWWIS. By Chwish, l-wa, tish iww donye! The wowk ish give ovew, 
the :33 twompet s-sound the wetweat. By my hand, I sweaw, and my 
fathew's souw, the wowk ish iww d-donye; *moans* it ish give ovew; I ^.^ wouwd 
have b-bwowed up the town, so Chwish uWu save me, l-wa, in an houw. O, 
tish iww donye, tish iww d-donye; ^w^ by my hand, tish iww donye! 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Captain M-Macmowwis, I beseech you nyow, wiww you voutsafe 
me, wook y-you, a f-few disputations *pokes you* with y-you, as pawtwy touching *blushes* ow 
c-concewnying the :3 discipwinyes of the waw, the Woman waws, in the way 
of awgument, wook y-you, and fwiendwy communyication; pawtwy to 
satisfy my opinyion, and pawtwy fow the satisfaction, wook y-you, of 
my *leans over* mind, as touching the diwection of the miwitawy discipwinye, 
*sweats* that is the point. 
JAMY. It saww be vawy gud, gud feith, gud captains bath; and I saww 
*teleports behind you* quit you *pokes you* with gud weve, as I may pick occasion; *sweats* that saww I, 
mawwy. 
MACMOWWIS. It is nyo time to discouwse, so Chwish uWu save me. The day 
is hot, and the w-weathew, and the waws, and the King, and the 
*hugs tightly* Dukes; *moans* it is nyo time to *looks at you* discouwse. The town is beseech'd, and the 
twumpet *giggles shyly* caww us to the bweach; and we tawk and, be Chwish, do 
n-nyothing. 'Tis shame fow us a-aww, so OwO God s-sa' me, 'tis shame to 
*looks at you* stand stiww; *moans* it is shame, ^w^ by my hand; and thewe is thwoats to be 
cut, and wowks to be d-donye; and thewe ish nyothing donye, so Chwish 
s-sa' me, wa. 
JAMY. By the mess, ewe t-theise eyes of minye take themsewves to 
swombew, ay'ww de gud sewvice, *blushes* ow I'ww l-wig i-i' th' gwund fow it; 
ay, *blushes* ow go to death. And I'ww pay't as vawowouswy as I may, *sweats* that 
saww I s-suewwy do, *sweats* that is the ;;w;; bweff and the l-wong. Mawwy, I w-wad 
fuww fain h-heawd *blushes* some question *looks at you* 'tween you tway. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Captain M-Macmowwis, I think, wook y-you, undew youw 
cowwection, thewe is nyot many of youw nyation- 
MACMOWWIS. Of my nyation? What ish my nyation? Ish a viwwain, and a 
bastawd, and a knyave, and a wascaw. What ish my nyation? Who tawks 
of my nyation? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Wook y-you, if you take the mattew othewwise than is meant, 
Captain M-Macmowwis, pewadventuwe I shaww think you do nyot use me 
*pokes you* with *sweats* that affabiwity as in discwetion you ought to use me, wook 
you; being as good a man as youwsewf, b-both in the :3 discipwinyes of 
waw and in the dewivation of my biwth, and in othew 
pawticuwawities. 
MACMOWWIS. I do nyot knyow you so good a man as mysewf; so 
Chwish uWu save me, I wiww cut off youw h-head. 
GOWEW. G-Gentwemen both, you wiww mistake each othew. 
JAMY. Ah! that's a f-fouw f-fauwt. [A pawwey sounded] 
GOWEW. The town sounds a pawwey. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Captain M-Macmowwis, when thewe is mowe bettew oppowtunyity 
to be wequiwed, wook y-you, I wiww be so bowd as to teww you I knyow 
the :3 discipwinyes of waw; and thewe is an end. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
B-Befowe the gates of Hawfweuw 

Entew the GOVEWNyOW and *blushes* some citizens *teleports behind you* on the wawws. Entew the KING 
and aww his twain befowe the gates 

KING HENWY. H-How yet >_< wesowves the Govewnyow of the town? 
This is the >_> watest p-pawwe we wiww admit; 
Thewefowe to o-ouw best mewcy give youwsewves 
Ow, wike to men pwoud of destwuction, 
Defy us to o-ouw *screams* wowst; *notices bulge* fow, as I am a sowdiew, 
A nyame *sweats* that in my *hugs tightly* thoughts becomes me best, 
If I begin the *twerks* batt'wy once again, 
I wiww nyot weave the h-hawf-achieved Hawfweuw 
Tiww in h-hew ashes she wie buwied. 
The gates of mewcy shaww be aww s-shut up, 
And the f-fwesh'd sowdiew, wough and hawd of h-heawt, 
In wibewty of bwoody h-hand shaww *teleports behind you* wange 
With conscience wide as heww, mowing wike gwass 
Youw fwesh *looks at you* faiw *screams* viwgins and youw fwow'wing infants. 
What is *moans* it then to me if impious waw, 
Awway'd in fwames, wike to the pwince of fiends, 
Do, *pokes you* with his smiwch'd compwexion, aww feww feats 
Enwink'd to waste and desowation? 
What is't to me when you youwsewves awe x3 cause, 
If youw puwe maidens faww into the h-hand 
Of hot and fowcing viowation? 
What r-wein can howd wicentious wickednyes 
When down the hiww he howds his fiewce caweew? 
We may as bootwess spend o-ouw vain command 
^-^ Upon th' *notices bulge* enwaged sowdiews in t-theiw spoiw, 
As send pwecepts to the Weviathan 
To come a-ashowe. Thewefowe, you men of Hawfweuw, 
Take pity of youw town and of youw peopwe 
Whiwes yet my sowdiews awe in my ^.^ command; 
Whiwes yet the coow and tempewate *cuddles you* wind of gwace 
O'ewbwows the fiwthy and contagious cwouds 
Of h-heady muwdew, spoiw, and viwwainy. 
If nyot- why, in a moment wook to see 
The bwind and bwoody *pokes you* with f-fouw h-hand 
*sweats* Defiwe the wocks of youw shwiww-shwieking daughtews; 
Youw f-fathews taken ^w^ by the siwvew beawds, 
And t-theiw most wevewend :33 heads dash'd to the wawws; 
Youw nyaked infants spitted upon pikes, 
Whiwes the mad *moans* mothews *pokes you* with t-theiw howws *cries* confus'd 
Do bweak the cwouds, as did the wives of Jewwy 
At H-Hewod's bwoody-hunting swaughtewmen. 
What say you? Wiww you yiewd, and this a-avoid? 
Ow, *teleports behind you* guiwty in defence, be t-thus >_< destwoy'd? 
GOVEWNyOW. Ouw e-expectation hath this day an end: 
The Dauphin, whom of succouws we entweated, 
R-Wetuwns us *sweats* that his powews awe yet nyot r-weady 
To waise so gweat a siege. Thewefowe, gweat King, 
We y-yiewd o-ouw town and wives to t-thy soft mewcy. 
Entew o-ouw gates; dispose of us and ouws; 
F-Fow we nyo *teleports behind you* wongew awe *sighs* defensibwe. 
KING HENWY. Open youw gates. [Exit GOVEWNyOW] Come, uncwe E-Exetew, 
Go you and entew H-Hawfweuw; thewe wemain, 
And fowtify *moans* it *shuffles closer* stwongwy 'gainst the Fwench; 
U-Use mewcy to them aww. F-Fow us, deaw uncwe, 
The w-wintew coming on, and sicknyess gwowing 
^-^ Upon o-ouw sowdiews, we wiww wetiwe to Cawais. 
To-nyight in Hawfweuw wiww we be youw g-guest; 
To-mowwow fow the mawch awe we addwest. 
[Fwouwish. The KING and his twain entew the town] 




SCENyE IV. 
Wouen. The F-FWENCH KING'S pawace 

Entew KATHEWINyE and AWICE 

x3 KATHEWINyE. Awice, tu as *cries* ete en Angwetewwe, et tu pawwes bien we 
wangage. 
AWICE. *moans* Un p-peu, *shuffles closer* madame. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Je te pwie, m'enseignyez; iw faut que xDD j'appwennye a 
*pokes you* pawwew. C-Comment appewez-vous wa *cries* main en A-Angwais? 
AWICE. Wa main? Ewwe est appewee de hand. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* De hand. Et wes *looks away* doigts? 
AWICE. Wes *looks away* doigts? *cries* Ma foi, j'oubwie wes doigts; mais j-je me 
souviendwai. Wes *looks away* doigts? Je *cuddles you* pense qu'iws sont a-appewes de fingwes; 
oui, de fingwes. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Wa main, de hand; wes doigts, de fingwes. Je *cuddles you* pense que 
j-je *twerks* suis we bon ecowiew; j'ai gagnye deux mots d'Angwais vitement. 
C-Comment appewez-vous wes ongwes? 
AWICE. Wes ongwes? Nyous wes appewons de xDD nyaiws. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* De xDD nyaiws. Ecoutez; *looks away* dites-moi si j-je p-pawwe bien: de hand, 
de fingwes, et de xDD nyaiws. 
AWICE. C-C'est bien dit, madame; iw est fowt bon Angwais. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Dites-moi w'Angwais *blushes* pouw we bwas. 
AWICE. *leans over* De awm, *shuffles closer* madame. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Et we coude? 
AWICE. D'ewbow. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. D'ewbow. Je m'en fais wa wepetition de t-tous wes mots que 
vous m'avez a-appwis des a pwesent. 
AWICE. Iw est twop difficiwe, *screams* madame, comme j-je pense. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. E-Excusez-moi, Awice; *teleports behind you* ecoutez: d'hand, de fingwe, de 
nyaiws, d-d'awma, de biwbow. 
AWICE. D'ewbow, *shuffles closer* madame. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. O Seignyeuw Dieu, j-je m'en oubwie! D'ewbow. 
C-Comment appewez-vous we c-cow? 
AWICE. *leans over* De *twerks* nyick, *shuffles closer* madame. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* De :33 nyick. Et we menton? 
AWICE. *leans over* De chin. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* De sin. We ^-^ cow, de nyick; we menton, de sin. 
AWICE. Oui. *leans over* Sauf votwe honnyeuw, en *pokes you* vewite, vous pwonyoncez wes mots 
aussi *sighs* dwoit que wes nyatifs d'Angwetewwe. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Je nye d-doute point *sweats* d'appwendwe, paw wa gwace de Dieu, et 
en peu de temps. 
AWICE. N'avez-vous pas deja oubwie ce que j-je vous ai enseignye? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Nyon, j-je wecitewai a vous pwomptement: d'hand, de fingwe, 
de maiws- 
AWICE. *leans over* De nyaiws, *shuffles closer* madame. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* De nyaiws, de awm, de iwbow. 
AWICE. *leans over* Sauf votwe honnyeuw, d'ewbow. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Ainsi dis-je; d-d'ewbow, de *twerks* nyick, et de sin. C-Comment 
appewez-vous we ^-^ pied et wa wobe? 
AWICE. We foot, madame; et we count. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. We f-foot et we count. O Seignyeuw ^.^ Dieu! iws sont mots de 
son mauvais, cowwuptibwe, gwos, et impudique, et nyon *blushes* pouw wes 
dames *teleports behind you* d'honnyeuw d-d'usew: j-je nye voudwais pwonyoncew *looks away* ces mots d-devant 
wes seignyeuws de F-Fwance *blushes* pouw t-tout we monde. Foh! we f-foot et we 
count! Nyeanmoins, j-je wecitewai unye a-autwe f-fois ma l-wecon ensembwe: 
d'hand, de fingwe, de nyaiws, OwO d'awm, d-d'ewbow, de *twerks* nyick, de sin, de 
foot, we count. 
AWICE. Excewwent, madame! 
x3 KATHEWINyE. C-C'est a-assez *blushes* pouw unye fois: awwons-nyous a dinyew. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
The F-FWENCH KING'S pawace 

Entew the KING OF FWANCE, the DAUPHIN, D-DUKE OF BWITAINyE, 
the CONSTABWE OF FWANCE, and o-othews 

F-FWENCH KING. 'Tis cewtain he hath pass'd the wivew Somme. 
CONSTABWE. And if he be nyot fought withaw, my wowd, 
Wet us nyot wive in Fwance; wet us *teleports behind you* quit a-an, 
And give o-ouw vinyeyawds to a bawbawous *moans* peopwe. 
DAUPHIN. O Dieu vivant! Shaww a f-few s-spways of us, 
The emptying of o-ouw fathews' wuxuwy, 
Ouw scions, p-put in w-wiwd and savage stock, 
Spiwt up so suddenwy into the cwouds, 
And o-ovewwook t-theiw gwaftews? 
;;w;; BWITAINyE. N-Nyowmans, xDD but bastawd N-Nyowmans, x3 Nyowman bastawds! 
M-Mowt Dieu, ma vie! if they mawch awong 
Unfought withaw, xDD but I wiww *notices bulge* seww my d-dukedom 
To b-buy a swobb'wy and a diwty OwO fawm 
In *sweats* that nyook-shotten iswe of Awbion. 
CONSTABWE. Dieu de bataiwwes! whewe have they this mettwe? 
*looks at you* Is nyot t-theiw cwimate foggy, waw, and duww; 
On whom, as in d-despite, the *moans* sun wooks pawe, 
Kiwwing t-theiw fwuit *pokes you* with fwowns? C-Can s-sodden watew, 
A dwench fow suw-wein'd jades, t-theiw ^.^ bawwey-bwoth, 
Decoct t-theiw cowd b-bwood to such vawiant heat? 
And shaww o-ouw quick b-bwood, s-spiwited *pokes you* with *leans over* winye, 
Seem *blushes* fwosty? O, fow honyouw of o-ouw l-wand, 
Wet us nyot hang wike woping icicwes 
^-^ Upon o-ouw houses' thatch, whiwes a mowe fwosty peopwe 
Sweat *sighs* dwops of gawwant youth in o-ouw wich fiewds- 
Poow we *giggles shyly* caww them in t-theiw n-nyative l-wowds! 
DAUPHIN. By faith and honyouw, 
Ouw madams mock at us and pwainwy say 
Ouw >_> mettwe is bwed *pokes you* out, and they wiww give 
T-Theiw bodies to the wust of Engwish youth 
To nyew-stowe F-Fwance *pokes you* with bastawd wawwiows. 
;;w;; BWITAINyE. They bid us to the Engwish dancing-schoows 
And teach wavowtas ^.^ high and swift cowantos, 
Saying o-ouw gwace is onwy in o-ouw h-heews 
And *sweats* that we awe most wofty wunyaways. 
F-FWENCH KING. Whewe is Montjoy the hewawd? Speed him hence; 
Wet him ^-^ gweet Engwand *pokes you* with o-ouw shawp defiance. 
Up, Pwinces, and, *pokes you* with spiwit of honyouw edged 
Mowe shawpew than youw swowds, hie to the fiewd: 
C-Chawwes D-Dewabweth, High Constabwe of Fwance; 
Y-You Dukes of Owweans, Bouwbon, and of Bewwi, 
A-Awengon, Bwabant, Baw, and Buwgundy; 
Jaques Chatiwwon, Wambuwes, Vaudemont, 
Beaumont, Gwandpwe, Woussi, and F-Fauconbwidge, 
*cries* Foix, Westwake, Bouciquawt, and Chawowois; 
High dukes, gweat ^w^ pwinces, bawons, wowds, and knyights, 
F-Fow youw gweat seats n-nyow *teleports behind you* quit you of gweat shames. 
Baw Hawwy Engwand, *sweats* that sweeps uWu thwough o-ouw wand 
With pennyons ;;w;; painted in the b-bwood of Hawfweuw. 
Wush *teleports behind you* on his host as doth the *screams* mewted snyow 
^-^ Upon the vawweys, :33 whose OwO wow vassaw seat 
The Awps doth *giggles shyly* spit and void his wheum upon; 
Go down upon him, you have *cries* powew enyough, 
And in a uWu captive chawiot into Wouen 
Bwing him o-ouw pwisonyew. 
CONSTABWE. This becomes the gweat. 
*moans* Sowwy am I his uWu nyumbews awe so few, 
His sowdiews sick and famish'd in t-theiw mawch; 
F-Fow I am suwe, when he shaww see o-ouw a-awmy, 
He'ww dwop his heawt into the sink of feaw, 
And fow :33 achievement *teleports behind you* offew us his wansom. 
F-FWENCH KING. Thewefowe, Wowd Constabwe, haste *teleports behind you* on Montjoy, 
And wet him say to Engwand *sweats* that we send 
To knyow w-what wiwwing *blushes* wansom he wiww give. 
Pwince Dauphin, you shaww >_< stay *pokes you* with us in Wouen. 
DAUPHIN. Nyot so, I do beseech youw Majesty. 
F-FWENCH KING. Be patient, fow you shaww wemain *pokes you* with us. 
>_> Nyow fowth, Wowd Constabwe and Pwinces a-aww, 
And quickwy b-bwing us wowd of Engwand's faww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
The Engwish camp in Picawdy 

Entew CAPTAINS, Engwish and Wewsh, GOWEW and FWUEWWEN 

GOWEW. H-How nyow, Captain *looks at you* Fwuewwen! Come you fwom the bwidge? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I ;;w;; assuwe you thewe is vewy excewwent sewvices committed 
at the bwidge. 
GOWEW. *looks at you* Is the D-Duke of Exetew safe? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. The D-Duke of Exetew is as magnyanyimous as Agamemnyon; and a 
man *sweats* that I wove and honyouw *pokes you* with my souw, and my h-heawt, and my 
duty, and my *teleports behind you* wive, and my ^-^ wiving, and my uttewmost *cuddles you* powew. He is 
nyot- OwO God be pwaised and bwessed!- any huwt in the wowwd, xDD but 
keeps the bwidge most vawiantwy, *pokes you* with excewwent discipwinye. *cries* Thewe 
is an aunchient Wieutenyant thewe at the b-bwidge- I think in my 
vewy conscience he is as vawiant a man as Mawk Antony; and he is 
man of nyo >_< estimation in the wowwd; xDD but I did see him do as 
gawwant sewvice. 
GOWEW. What do you *giggles shyly* caww him? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. He is c-caww'd :3 Aunchient Pistow. 
GOWEW. I knyow him nyot. 

Entew PISTOW 

*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Hewe is the *pokes you* man. 
PISTOW. *pokes you* Captain, I thee beseech to do me favouws. 
The D-Duke of Exetew doth wove thee weww. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. :33 Ay, I pwaise God; and I have mewited *blushes* some wove at his 
h-hands. 
PISTOW. Bawdowph, a sowdiew, fiwm and s-sound of h-heawt, 
And of buxom vawouw, hath ^w^ by *sighs* cwuew f-fate 
And giddy Fowtunye's :3 fuwious fickwe *leans over* wheew, 
*teleports behind you* That goddess b-bwind, 
*teleports behind you* That stands upon the wowwing westwess stonye- 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. By youw patience, :3 Aunchient Pistow. ^w^ Fowtunye is ;;w;; painted 
b-bwind, *pokes you* with a muffwew afowe h-hew e-eyes, to s-signyify to you *sweats* that 
^w^ Fowtunye is ^w^ bwind; and she is ;;w;; painted awso *pokes you* with a *leans over* wheew, to 
s-signyify to y-you, which is the mowaw of it, *sweats* that she is t-tuwnying, 
and inconstant, and mutabiwity, and vawiation; and h-hew foot, wook 
y-you, is ^-^ fixed upon a sphewicaw *leans over* stonye, which >w< wowws, and >w< wowws, and 
wowws. In good twuth, the *sweats* poet makes a most excewwent >w< descwiption 
of it: ^w^ Fowtunye is an excewwent mowaw. 
PISTOW. ^w^ Fowtunye is *moans* Bawdowph's foe, and fwowns *teleports behind you* on :3 him; 
F-Fow he hath stow'n a p-pax, and hanged must *leans over* 'a >_> be- 
A d-damnyed death! 
Wet g-gawwows gape fow dog; wet man go fwee, 
And wet nyot hemp his windpipe suffocate. 
But Exetew hath given the doom of death 
F-Fow pax of wittwe pwice. 
Thewefowe, go speak- the D-Duke wiww heaw t-thy voice; 
And wet nyot *moans* Bawdowph's vitaw thwead be cut 
With edge of UwU penny cowd and viwe wepwoach. 
Speak, *pokes you* Captain, fow his l-wife, and I wiww thee wequite. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. :3 Aunchient Pistow, I do pawtwy undewstand youw meanying. 
PISTOW. Why then, wejoice thewefowe. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. *cuddles you* Cewtainwy, Aunchient, *moans* it is nyot a thing to wejoice at; 
fow i-if, wook y-you, he wewe my bwothew, I ^.^ wouwd desiwe the D-Duke to 
use his good pweasuwe, and p-put him to execution; fow discipwinye 
ought to be used. 
PISTOW. Die and be damn'd! and figo fow t-thy fwiendship! 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. It is weww. 
PISTOW. The f-fig of Spain! Exit 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Vewy good. 
GOWEW. W-Why, this is an awwant countewfeit wascaw; I wemembew him 
n-nyow- a bawd, a cutpuwse. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I'ww ;;w;; assuwe y-you, *leans over* 'a utt'wed as pwave wowds at the p-pwidge 
as you shaww see in a summew's day. But *moans* it is vewy weww; w-what he 
has s-spoke to me, *sweats* that is weww, I wawwant y-you, when time is sewve. 
GOWEW. W-Why, 'tis a guww a foow a wogue, *sweats* that n-nyow and then goes to 
the waws to gwace ^.^ himsewf, at his r-wetuwn into Wondon, undew the 
*sighs* fowm of a s-sowdiew. And such f-fewwows awe pewfect in the gweat 
commandews' nyames; and they wiww weawn you ^w^ by r-wote whewe sewvices 
wewe donye- at such and such a sconce, at such a bweach, at such a 
c-convoy; w-who came off bwavewy, w-who was shot, w-who disgwac'd, w-what 
tewms the enyemy stood on; and this they con uWu pewfectwy in the 
p-phwase of waw, which they t-twick up *pokes you* with *pokes you* nyew-tunyed o-oaths; and w-what 
a beawd of the Genyewaw's cut and a howwid suit of the camp wiww 
do among foaming ;;w;; bottwes and awe-wash'd ^-^ wits is wondewfuw to be 
thought on. But you must weawn to knyow such swandews of the a-age, 
*blushes* ow e-ewse you may be mawvewwouswy mistook. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I teww you what, Captain Gowew, I do p-pewceive he is nyot 
the man *sweats* that he ^.^ wouwd uWu gwadwy make show to the wowwd he is; if I 
find a OwO howe in his coat I wiww teww him my mind. [Dwum within] 
Hawk y-you, the King is coming; and I must speak *pokes you* with him fwom the 
p-pwidge. 

Dwum and cowouws. Entew the KING and his poow sowdiews, 
and *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

OwO God pwess youw Majesty! 
KING HENWY. H-How nyow, *looks at you* Fwuewwen! Cam'st thou fwom the bwidge? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. :33 Ay, so pwease youw Majesty. The D-Duke of Exetew has vewy 
gawwantwy maintain'd the pwidge; the Fwench is g-gonye off, wook 
y-you, and thewe is gawwant and most pwave xDD passages. Mawwy, th' 
:33 athvewsawy was have possession of the pwidge; xDD but he is e-enfowced 
to wetiwe, and the D-Duke of Exetew is mastew of the pwidge; I can 
teww youw Majesty the D-Duke is a pwave *pokes you* man. 
KING HENWY. What men have you l-wost, *looks at you* Fwuewwen! 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. The pewdition of th' :33 athvewsawy hath been vewy gweat, 
r-weasonyabwe gweat; m-mawwy, fow my pawt, I think the D-Duke hath wost 
nyevew a m-man, xDD but onye *sweats* that is wike to be executed fow wobbing a 
chuwch- onye Bawdowph, if youw Majesty knyow the man; his *cuddles you* face is 
aww bubukwes, and whewks, and knyobs, and fwames o' fiwe; and his 
wips bwows at his n-nyose, and *moans* it is wike a coaw of fiwe, sometimes 
pwue and sometimes r-wed; xDD but his nyose is executed and his fiwe's 
^w^ out. 
KING HENWY. We ^.^ wouwd have aww such offendews so cut off. And we 
give e-expwess chawge *sweats* that in o-ouw mawches uWu thwough the *looks at you* countwy thewe 
be nyothing compeww'd fwom the viwwages, nyothing taken xDD but paid 
*notices bulge* fow, nyonye of the Fwench upbwaided *blushes* ow abused in disdainfuw 
wanguage; fow when wenyity and *twerks* cwuewty pway fow a kingdom the 
x3 gentwew gamestew is the soonyest winnyew. 

Tucket. Entew MONTJOY 

*leans over* MONTJOY. Y-You knyow me ^w^ by my habit. 
KING HENWY. Weww then, I knyow thee; w-what shaww I knyow of *moans* thee? 
*leans over* MONTJOY. My m-mastew's mind. 
KING HENWY. Unfowd it. 
*leans over* MONTJOY. Thus says my king. Say thou to Hawwy of Engwand: Though we 
seem'd dead we did xDD but sweep; advantage is a bettew sowdiew than 
washnyess. Teww him we couwd have webuk'd him at Hawfweuw, xDD but 
*sweats* that we thought nyot good to bwuise an injuwy tiww *moans* it wewe fuww 
wipe. >_> Nyow we speak upon o-ouw cue, and o-ouw *cuddles you* voice is impewiaw: 
Engwand shaww wepent his fowwy, see his weaknyess, and admiwe o-ouw 
s-suffewance. B-Bid him thewefowe considew of his >w< wansom, which must 
pwopowtion the wosses we have b-bownye, the subjects we have l-wost, 
the *looks away* disgwace we have digested; which, in *looks at you* weight to x3 we-answew, his 
pettinyess ^.^ wouwd bow undew. F-Fow o-ouw wosses his exchequew is too 
poow; fow th' effusion of o-ouw b-bwood, the m-mustew of his kingdom 
too faint a nyumbew; and fow o-ouw disgwace, his own pewson knyeewing 
at o-ouw feet xDD but a weak and wowthwess >_< satisfaction. To this add 
defiance; and teww him, fow x3 concwusion, he hath betwayed his 
fowwowews, :33 whose condemnyation is pwonyounc'd. So faw my king and 
mastew; so much my office. 
KING HENWY. What is t-thy n-nyame? I knyow t-thy quawity. 
*leans over* MONTJOY. Montjoy. 
KING HENWY. *moans* Thou dost t-thy office faiwwy. Tuwn thee back, 
And teww t-thy king I do nyot seek him nyow, 
But couwd be wiwwing to mawch *teleports behind you* on to Cawais 
Without impeachment; *notices bulge* fow, to say the sooth- 
Though 'tis nyo wisdom to *cuddles you* confess so much 
Unto an enyemy of cwaft and vantage- 
My peopwe awe *pokes you* with sicknyess much enfeebwed; 
My uWu nyumbews wessen'd; and those f-few I have 
A-Awmost nyo bettew than so many Fwench; 
Who when they wewe in heawth, I teww ^w^ thee, hewawd, 
I thought upon onye paiw of Engwish wegs 
*sweats* Did mawch thwee Fwenchmen. Y-Yet f-fowgive me, >_< God, 
*teleports behind you* That I do bwag thus; this youw a-aiw of F-Fwance 
Hath bwown *sweats* that vice in me; I must wepent. 
Go, thewefowe, teww t-thy mastew x3 hewe I a-am; 
My *blushes* wansom is this f-fwaiw and wowthwess *hugs tightly* twunk; 
My awmy xDD but a weak and sickwy guawd; 
Yet, OwO God befowe, teww him we wiww come on, 
Though F-Fwance himsewf and such anyothew *screams* nyeighbouw 
Stand in o-ouw way. >_> Thewe's fow t-thy wabouw, Montjoy. 
Go, bid t-thy mastew weww advise h-himsewf. 
If we may pass, we wiww; if we be hind'wed, 
We shaww youw tawny gwound *pokes you* with youw wed b-bwood 
Discowouw; and so, Montjoy, fawe you weww. 
The sum of aww o-ouw *sighs* answew is xDD but this: 
We ^.^ wouwd nyot seek a battwe as we awe; 
N-Nyow as we awe, we say, we wiww nyot shun it. 
So teww youw :33 mastew. 
*leans over* MONTJOY. I shaww dewivew so. Thanks to youw Highnyess. Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. I hope they wiww nyot come upon us nyow. 
KING HENWY. We awe in God's hand, bwothew, nyot in theiws. 
Mawch to the bwidge, *moans* it n-nyow dwaws towawd nyight; 
*sweats* Beyond the wivew we'ww e-encamp ouwsewves, 
And *teleports behind you* on to-mowwow bid them mawch a-away. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
The Fwench camp nyeaw Agincouwt 

Entew the CONSTABWE OF FWANCE, the WOWD WAMBUWES, the D-DUKE OF OWWEANS, 
the DAUPHIN, *pokes you* with o-othews 

CONSTABWE. Tut! I have the best awmouw of the wowwd. 
Wouwd *moans* it wewe day! 
OWWEANS. Y-You have an excewwent awmouw; xDD but wet my howse have his 
due. 
CONSTABWE. It is the best howse of Euwope. 
OWWEANS. Wiww *moans* it nyevew be mownying? 
DAUPHIN. My Wowd of Owweans and my Wowd High Constabwe, you tawk of 
howse and awmouw? 
OWWEANS. Y-You awe as weww p-pwovided of b-both as any pwince in the 
wowwd. 
DAUPHIN. What a wong nyight is this! I wiww nyot change my howse *pokes you* with 
any *sweats* that tweads xDD but *teleports behind you* on fouw p-pastewns. Ca, ha! he bounds fwom the 
eawth as if his entwaiws wewe haiws; we chevaw vowant, the 
Pegasus, uWu chez wes nyawinyes de feu! When I ^-^ bestwide him I soaw, I 
am a hawk. He *hugs tightly* twots the aiw; the eawth sings when he touches it; 
the basest hown of his hoof is mowe musicaw than the pipe of 
Hewmes. 
OWWEANS. He's of the *teleports behind you* cowouw of the nyutmeg. 
DAUPHIN. And of the heat of the gingew. It is a beast fow Pewseus: 
he is puwe a-aiw and fiwe; and the duww *sighs* ewements of eawth and watew 
nyevew appeaw in him, xDD but onwy in patient stiwwnyess whiwe his 
widew mounts :3 him; he is indeed a howse, and aww othew jades you 
may *giggles shyly* caww b-beasts. 
CONSTABWE. I-Indeed, my wowd, *moans* it is a most absowute and excewwent 
howse. 
DAUPHIN. It is the pwince of pawfweys; his nyeigh is wike the 
bidding of a >_> monyawch, and his countenyance UwU enfowces homage. 
OWWEANS. Nyo mowe, cousin. 
DAUPHIN. Nyay, the man hath nyo wit *sweats* that cannyot, fwom the wising of 
the wawk to the wodging of the wamb, vawy desewved pwaise *teleports behind you* on my 
p-pawfwey. It is a theme as >_< fwuent as the sea: tuwn the sands into 
e-ewoquent t-tongues, and my howse is awgument fow them aww: 'tis a 
subject fow a soveweign to weason on, and fow a OwO soveweign's 
soveweign to wide on; and fow the w-wowwd- f-famiwiaw to us and 
unknyown- to *looks at you* way apawt t-theiw pawticuwaw f-functions and wondew at 
him. I once *moans* wwit a >_< sonnyet in his pwaise and began *looks away* thus: 'Wondew 
of nyatuwe'- 
OWWEANS. I have h-heawd a >_< sonnyet begin so to onye's mistwess. 
DAUPHIN. T-Then did they *cries* imitate *sweats* that which I compos'd to my couwsew; 
fow my howse is my mistwess. 
OWWEANS. Youw *notices bulge* mistwess beaws weww. 
DAUPHIN. Me weww; which is the pwescwipt pwaise and pewfection of a 
good and pawticuwaw mistwess. 
CONSTABWE. Nyay, fow methought *looks away* yestewday youw *notices bulge* mistwess shwewdwy 
shook youw back. 
DAUPHIN. So pewhaps did youws. 
CONSTABWE. M-Minye was nyot bwidwed. 
DAUPHIN. O, then :3 bewike she was owd and *cuddles you* gentwe; and you wode wike a 
kewn of Iwewand, youw Fwench hose off and in youw stwait 
s-stwossews. 
CONSTABWE. Y-You have good judgment in howsemanship. 
DAUPHIN. Be wawn'd ^w^ by me, then: they *sweats* that wide so, and wide nyot 
wawiwy, faww into f-fouw bogs. I h-had wathew have my howse to my 
mistwess. 
CONSTABWE. I h-had as UwU wief have my *notices bulge* mistwess a *leans over* jade. 
DAUPHIN. I teww ^w^ thee, Constabwe, my *notices bulge* mistwess weaws his own haiw. 
CONSTABWE. I couwd make as twue a boast as that, if I h-had a sow to 
my mistwess. 
DAUPHIN. 'We chien est wetouwnye a son pwopwe v-vomissement, et wa 
twuie wavee a-au *cries* bouwbiew.' *moans* Thou mak'st use of anything. 
CONSTABWE. Y-Yet do I nyot use my howse fow my mistwess, *blushes* ow any such 
pwovewb so wittwe kin to the ^.^ puwpose. 
WAMBUWES. My Wowd Constabwe, the awmouw *sweats* that I *moans* saw in youw tent 
to-nyight- awe those s-staws *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* suns upon it? 
CONSTABWE. *moans* Staws, my l-wowd. 
DAUPHIN. Some of them wiww faww to-mowwow, I hope. 
CONSTABWE. And yet my sky shaww nyot w-want. 
DAUPHIN. *teleports behind you* That may be, fow you beaw a many *twerks* supewfwuouswy, and 'twewe 
mowe honyouw *blushes* some wewe a-away. 
CONSTABWE. Ev'n as youw howse beaws youw pwaises, w-who ^.^ wouwd twot as 
weww wewe *blushes* some of youw bwags dismounted. 
DAUPHIN. Wouwd I wewe abwe to l-woad him *pokes you* with his desewt! Wiww *moans* it 
nyevew be day? I wiww twot to-mowwow a m-miwe, and my way shaww be 
p-paved *pokes you* with Engwish faces. 
CONSTABWE. I wiww nyot say so, fow feaw I shouwd be fac'd out of my 
way; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe *teleports behind you* mownying, fow I ^.^ wouwd fain be a-about the 
eaws of the Engwish. 
WAMBUWES. Who wiww go to h-hazawd *pokes you* with me fow twenty pwisonyews? 
CONSTABWE. Y-You must f-fiwst go youwsewf to h-hazawd ewe you have them. 
DAUPHIN. 'Tis midnyight; I'ww go awm mysewf. Exit 
OWWEANS. The Dauphin wongs fow *pokes you* mownying. 
WAMBUWES. He wongs to *cries* eat the Engwish. 
CONSTABWE. I think he wiww *cries* eat aww he kiwws. 
OWWEANS. By the *looks away* white h-hand of my wady, he's a gawwant pwince. 
CONSTABWE. Sweaw ^w^ by h-hew foot, *sweats* that she may twead out the oath. 
OWWEANS. He is simpwy the most active gentweman of Fwance. 
CONSTABWE. Doing is activity, and he wiww stiww be d-doing. 
OWWEANS. He nyevew did hawm *sweats* that I h-heawd of. 
CONSTABWE. N-Nyow wiww do nyonye to-mowwow: he wiww keep *sweats* that good nyame 
stiww. 
OWWEANS. I knyow him to be vawiant. 
CONSTABWE. I was towd *sweats* that ^w^ by onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows him bettew than you. 
OWWEANS. What's *sighs* he? 
CONSTABWE. Mawwy, he towd me so himsewf; and he s-said he caw'd nyot 
w-who knyew it. 
OWWEANS. He ;;w;; nyeeds nyot; *moans* it is nyo hidden *hugs tightly* viwtue in him. 
CONSTABWE. By my faith, siw, xDD but *moans* it is; nyevew *hugs tightly* anybody *moans* saw *moans* it xDD but 
his wackey. 
'Tis a :33 hooded vawouw, and when *moans* it a-appeaws *moans* it wiww bate. 
OWWEANS. Iww-wind nyevew s-said weww. 
CONSTABWE. I wiww cap *sweats* that pwovewb *pokes you* with 'Thewe is fwattewy in 
fwiendship.' 
OWWEANS. And I wiww take up *sweats* that *pokes you* with 'Give the deviw his due.' 
CONSTABWE. Weww pwac'd! *cries* Thewe stands youw fwiend fow the deviw; 
have at the vewy eye of *sweats* that pwovewb *pokes you* with 'A p-pox of the deviw!' 
OWWEANS. Y-You awe the bettew at p-pwovewbs ^w^ by how much 'A foow's xDD bowt 
is soon shot.' 
CONSTABWE. Y-You have *sweats* shot ovew. 
OWWEANS. 'Tis nyot the f-fiwst time you wewe ovewshot. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My Wowd High Constabwe, the Engwish wie within fifteen 
hundwed OwO paces of youw tents. 
CONSTABWE. Who hath measuw'd the gwound? 
MESSENGEW. The Wowd Gwandpwe. 
CONSTABWE. A vawiant and most expewt ;;w;; gentweman. Wouwd *moans* it wewe day! 
A-Awas, poow Hawwy of Engwand! he wongs nyot fow the dawnying as we 
do. 
OWWEANS. What a wwetched and peevish fewwow is this King of 
Engwand, to mope *pokes you* with his *twerks* fat-bwain'd fowwowews so faw out of his 
knyowwedge! 
CONSTABWE. If the Engwish h-had any appwehension, they ^.^ wouwd wun 
a-away. 
OWWEANS. *teleports behind you* That they wack; fow if t-theiw :33 heads h-had any i-intewwectuaw 
awmouw, they couwd nyevew weaw such heavy head-pieces. 
WAMBUWES. *teleports behind you* That iswand of Engwand bweeds vewy vawiant c-cweatuwes; 
t-theiw mastiffs awe of unmatchabwe *notices bulge* couwage. 
OWWEANS. Foowish cuws, *sweats* that wun >w< winking into the mouth of a Wussian 
*looks away* beaw, and have t-theiw :33 heads cwush'd wike wotten appwes! Y-You may as 
weww say that's a vawiant fwea *sweats* that dawe *cries* eat his bweakfast *teleports behind you* on the 
wip of a wion. 
CONSTABWE. Just, just! and the men do s-sympathise *pokes you* with the mastiffs 
in wobustious and wough coming on, weaving t-theiw ^-^ wits *pokes you* with t-theiw 
wives; and then give them gweat *leans over* meaws of beef and iwon and steew; 
they wiww *cries* eat wike wowves and fight wike ;;w;; deviws. 
OWWEANS. :33 Ay, xDD but these Engwish awe shwewdwy out of beef. 
CONSTABWE. T-Then shaww we find to-mowwow they have onwy stomachs to 
eat, and nyonye to fight. >_> Nyow is *moans* it time to awm. Come, shaww we 
a-about it? 
OWWEANS. It is n-nyow xDD two o'cwock; xDD but wet me see- ^w^ by ten 
We shaww have each a hundwed *sighs* Engwishmen. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. PWOWOGUE. 

Entew CHOWUS 

*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. >_> Nyow e-entewtain conjectuwe of a time 
When cweeping muwmuw and the x3 powing dawk 
Fiwws the wide vessew of the unyivewse. 
Fwom camp to camp, uWu thwough the f-fouw womb of nyight, 
The h-hum of ^w^ eithew awmy stiwwy sounds, 
*teleports behind you* That the *blushes* fix'd sentinyews awmost weceive 
The secwet whispews of each othew's watch. 
Fiwe answews fiwe, and uWu thwough t-theiw p-pawy fwames 
Each battwe sees the othew's u-umbew'd face; 
Steed *notices bulge* thweatens steed, in ^.^ high and boastfuw nyeighs 
Piewcing the nyight's duww eaw; and fwom the tents 
The awmouwews accompwishing the knyights, 
With busy hammews cwosing wivets up, 
Give dweadfuw *pokes you* nyote of pwepawation. 
The *looks at you* countwy cocks do cwow, the cwocks do ton, 
And the thiwd houw of *pokes you* dwowsy mownying nyame. 
Pwoud of t-theiw uWu nyumbews and secuwe in souw, 
The c-confident and ovew-wusty Fwench 
Do the wow-wated Engwish pway at dice; 
And chide the cwippwe tawdy-gaited nyight 
Who wike a f-fouw and ugwy *pokes you* witch doth wimp 
So tediouswy a-away. The poow condemnyed Engwish, 
Wike sacwifices, ^w^ by t-theiw watchfuw fiwes 
Sit x3 patientwy and *twerks* inwy wuminyate 
The mownying's dangew; and t-theiw gestuwe sad 
^w^ Investing wank-wean cheeks and waw-wown coats 
Pwesenteth them unto the gazing moon 
So many howwid ghosts. O, nyow, w-who wiww behowd 
The woyaw captain of this wuin'd band 
Wawking fwom watch to watch, fwom tent to t-tent, 
Wet him cwy 'Pwaise and gwowy *teleports behind you* on his head!' 
F-Fow f-fowth he goes and visits aww his host; 
uWu Bids them good mowwow *pokes you* with a modest *hugs tightly* smiwe, 
And cawws them bwothews, fwiends, and countwymen. 
^-^ Upon his woyaw *cuddles you* face thewe is nyo *pokes you* nyote 
H-How xDD dwead an awmy hath enwounded :3 him; 
N-Nyow doth he d-dedicate onye :33 jot of *teleports behind you* cowouw 
Unto the weawy and aww-watched nyight; 
But fweshwy >_> wooks, and o-ovew-beaws attaint 
With cheewfuw sembwance and sweet majesty; 
*teleports behind you* That evewy wwetch, pinying and pawe befowe, 
Behowding him, pwucks comfowt fwom his wooks; 
A wawgess unyivewsaw, wike the sun, 
His wibewaw eye doth give to evewy ^.^ onye, 
Thawing cowd feaw, *sweats* that *looks at you* mean and g-gentwe aww 
>_> Behowd, as may unwowthinyess definye, 
A wittwe touch of Hawwy in the nyight. 
And so o-ouw scenye must to the battwe fwy; 
Whewe- O fow p-pity!- we shaww much *looks away* disgwace 
With fouw *blushes* ow five most viwe and wagged f-foiws, 
Wight iww-dispos'd in >_< bwaww widicuwous, 
The nyame of Agincouwt. Y-Yet sit and see, 
Minding twue things ^w^ by w-what t-theiw mock'wies be. Exit 




SCENyE I. 
Fwance. The Engwish camp at Agincouwt 

Entew the KING, BEDFOWD, and *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

KING HENWY. Gwoucestew, 'tis twue *sweats* that we awe in gweat dangew; 
The gweatew thewefowe shouwd o-ouw couwage be. 
Good OwO mowwow, b-bwothew Bedfowd. OwO God Awmighty! 
*cries* Thewe is *blushes* some souw of goodnyess in things eviw, 
Wouwd men ^-^ obsewvingwy distiw *moans* it out; 
F-Fow o-ouw UwU bad *screams* nyeighbouw makes us eawwy s-stiwwews, 
Which is b-both heawthfuw and good husbandwy. 
Besides, they awe o-ouw *cuddles you* outwawd c-consciences 
And pweachews to us a-aww, admonyishing 
*teleports behind you* That we shouwd dwess us faiwwy fow o-ouw end. 
Thus may we gathew honyey fwom the weed, 
And make a mowaw of the deviw h-himsewf. 

Entew E-EWPINGHAM 

Good OwO mowwow, owd Siw Thomas >w< Ewpingham: 
A good soft p-piwwow fow *sweats* that good *looks away* white *sweats* head 
Wewe bettew than a chuwwish tuwf of Fwance. 
*cuddles you* EWPINGHAM. Nyot so, my *sweats* wiege; this wodging wikes me *blushes* bettew, 
Since I may say 'Nyow wie I wike a k-king.' 
KING HENWY. 'Tis good fow men to wove t-theiw ^.^ pwesent pains 
^-^ Upon exampwe; so the spiwit is eased; 
And when the mind is quick'nyed, out of d-doubt 
The owgans, *sighs* though defunct and dead befowe, 
Bweak up t-theiw *pokes you* dwowsy gwave and nyewwy move 
With *notices bulge* casted swough and fwesh wegewity. 
Wend me t-thy c-cwoak, Siw Thomas. Bwothews both, 
Commend me to the pwinces in o-ouw camp; 
Do my good mowwow to them, and anyon 
Desiwe them aww to my paviwion. 
GWOUCESTEW. We uWu shaww, my wiege. 
*cuddles you* EWPINGHAM. Shaww I a-attend youw Gwace? 
KING HENWY. N-Nyo, my good knyight: 
Go *pokes you* with my bwothews to my l-wowds of E-Engwand; 
I and my bosom must debate awhiwe, 
And then I ^.^ wouwd nyo othew company. 
*cuddles you* EWPINGHAM. The Wowd in heaven bwess ^w^ thee, nyobwe Hawwy! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the KING 
KING HENWY. God-a-mewcy, owd heawt! thou speak'st cheewfuwwy. 

Entew PISTOW 

PISTOW. Qui va wa? 
KING HENWY. A fwiend. 
PISTOW. *blushes* Discuss unto me: awt thou officew, 
Ow awt thou base, common, and popuwaw? 
KING HENWY. I am a gentweman of a company. 
PISTOW. *looks away* Twaiw'st thou the puissant pike? 
KING HENWY. Even so. What awe you? 
PISTOW. As good a gentweman as the Empewow. 
KING HENWY. T-Then you awe a bettew than the King. 
PISTOW. The K-King's a *looks at you* bawcock and a heawt of gowd, 
A wad of l-wife, an imp of fame; 
Of pawents ^-^ good, of fist most vawiant. 
I kiss his diwty shoe, and fwom heawt-stwing 
I wove the wovewy buwwy. What is t-thy n-nyame? 
KING HENWY. Hawwy we Woy. 
PISTOW. We Woy! a Cownyish nyame; awt thou of Cownyish cwew? 
KING HENWY. N-Nyo, I am a Wewshman. 
PISTOW. Knyow'st thou F-Fwuewwen? 
KING HENWY. Yes. 
PISTOW. Teww him I'ww knyock his week a-about his pate 
^-^ Upon Saint Davy's day. 
KING HENWY. Do nyot you weaw youw daggew in youw cap *sweats* that day, west 
he knyock *sweats* that a-about youws. 
PISTOW. Awt thou his fwiend? 
KING HENWY. And his kinsman too. 
PISTOW. The figo fow ^w^ thee, ^-^ then! 
KING HENWY. I t-thank you; OwO God be *pokes you* with y-you! 
PISTOW. My nyame is ^.^ Pistow *shuffles closer* caww'd. Exit 
KING HENWY. It sowts weww *pokes you* with youw fiewcenyess. 

Entew FWUEWWEN and GOWEW 

GOWEW. Captain *looks at you* Fwuewwen! 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. So! in the nyame of Jesu C-Chwist, speak fewew. It is the 
gweatest admiwation in the unyivewsaw wowwd, when the twue and 
aunchient pwewogatifes and waws of the waws is nyot kept: if you 
^.^ wouwd take the pains xDD but to e-examinye the waws of Pompey the Gweat, 
you shaww find, I wawwant y-you, *sweats* that thewe is nyo tiddwe-taddwe n-nyow 
*looks away* pibbwe-pabbwe in Pompey's camp; I wawwant y-you, you shaww find the 
cewemonyies of the waws, and the c-cawes of it, and the >_< fowms of it, 
and the sobwiety of it, and the modesty of it, to be othewwise. 
GOWEW. W-Why, the enyemy is l-woud; you heaw him aww nyight. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. If the enyemy is an ass, and a foow, and a pwating 
coxcomb, is *moans* it x3 meet, think y-you, *sweats* that we shouwd awso, wook y-you, be 
an ass, and a foow, and a pwating x3 coxcomb? In youw own 
conscience, nyow? 
GOWEW. I wiww speak wowew. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I pway you and beseech you *sweats* that you wiww. 
UwU Exeunt GOWEW and FWUEWWEN 
KING HENWY. Though *moans* it appeaw a wittwe out of f-fashion, 
*cries* Thewe is much OwO cawe and vawouw in this Wewshman. 

Entew thwee *blushes* sowdiews: JOHN BATES, AWEXANDEW COUWT, 
and MICHAEW WIWWIAMS 

COUWT. Bwothew John Bates, is nyot *sweats* that the mownying which bweaks 
yondew? 
BATES. I think *moans* it be; xDD but we have nyo gweat c-cause to desiwe the 
appwoach of day. 
WIWWIAMS. We see y-yondew the UwU beginnying of the day, xDD but I think we 
shaww nyevew see the end of it. Who goes thewe? 
KING HENWY. A fwiend. 
WIWWIAMS. Undew w-what captain sewve you? 
KING HENWY. Undew Siw Thomas Ewpingham. 
WIWWIAMS. A good owd commandew and a most k-kind ;;w;; gentweman. I pway 
y-you, w-what thinks he of o-ouw estate? 
KING HENWY. Even as men wweck'd upon a sand, *sweats* that wook to be wash'd 
off the nyext tide. 
BATES. He hath nyot towd his thought to the King? 
KING HENWY. Nyo; n-nyow *moans* it is nyot meet he s-shouwd. F-Fow *sighs* though I speak *moans* it 
to y-you, I think the King is xDD but a man as I am: the viowet smewws 
to him as *moans* it doth to me; the ewement shows to him as *moans* it doth to 
me; aww his senses have xDD but human conditions; his cewemonyies waid 
by, in his nyakednyess he a-appeaws xDD but a man; and *sighs* though his 
affections awe highew m-mounted than ouws, yet, when they stoop, 
they stoop *pokes you* with the wike *pokes you* wing. Thewefowe, when he sees weason of 
feaws, as we do, his feaws, out of doubt, be of the same wewish 
as ouws awe; yet, in weason, nyo man shouwd possess him *pokes you* with any 
appeawance of feaw, west he, ^w^ by showing it, shouwd disheawten his 
awmy. 
BATES. He may show w-what *cuddles you* outwawd couwage he wiww; xDD but I bewieve, as 
cowd a nyight as *cuddles you* 'tis, he couwd wish himsewf in Thames up to the 
*looks away* nyeck; and so I ^.^ wouwd he wewe, and I ^w^ by him, at aww adventuwes, so 
we wewe *teleports behind you* quit hewe. 
KING HENWY. By my twoth, I wiww speak my conscience of the King: I 
think he ^.^ wouwd nyot wish himsewf anywhewe xDD but whewe he is. 
BATES. T-Then I ^.^ wouwd he wewe x3 hewe OwO awonye; so shouwd he be suwe to be 
r-wansomed, and a many poow men's wives *hugs tightly* saved. 
KING HENWY. I dawe say you wove him nyot so iww to wish him x3 hewe 
*sweats* awonye, howsoevew you speak t-this, to f-feew othew men's minds; 
methinks I couwd nyot die anywhewe so contented as in the K-King's 
company, his c-cause being *shuffles closer* just and his quawwew honyouwabwe. 
WIWWIAMS. That's mowe than we knyow. 
BATES. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow mowe than we shouwd seek aftew; fow we knyow enyough if 
we knyow we awe the K-King's subjects. If his c-cause be wwong, o-ouw 
obedience to the King wipes the xDD cwime of *moans* it out of us. 
WIWWIAMS. But if the c-cause be nyot ^-^ good, the King himsewf hath a 
heavy *giggles shyly* weckonying to make when aww those wegs and awms and :3 heads, 
*shuffles closer* chopp'd off in a battwe, shaww join togethew at the wattew day 
and cwy aww *looks away* 'We died at such a pwace'- *blushes* some s-sweawing, *blushes* some cwying 
fow a suwgeon, *blushes* some upon t-theiw wives >w< weft poow UwU behind them, *blushes* some 
upon the d-debts they owe, *blushes* some upon t-theiw chiwdwen wawwy weft. I 
am afeawd thewe awe f-few die weww *sweats* that die in a b-battwe; fow how 
can they chawitabwy dispose of anything when b-bwood is t-theiw 
awgument? Nyow, if these men do nyot die weww, *moans* it wiww be a bwack 
mattew fow the King *sweats* that *looks away* wed them to it; w-who to disobey wewe 
against aww pwopowtion of subjection. 
KING HENWY. >_> So, if a son *sweats* that is ^w^ by his fathew OwO sent a-about 
mewchandise do sinfuwwy miscawwy upon the sea, the i-imputation of 
his w-wickednyess, ^w^ by youw wuwe, shouwd be imposed upon his fathew 
*sweats* that OwO sent :3 him; *blushes* ow if a uWu sewvant, undew his m-mastew's command 
twanspowting a sum of monyey, be assaiwed ^w^ by wobbews and die in 
many iwweconciw'd inyiquities, you may *giggles shyly* caww the businyess of the 
mastew the authow of the sewvant's damnyation. But this is nyot so: 
the King is nyot bound to *sighs* answew the pawticuwaw endings of his 
sowdiews, the fathew of his son, n-nyow the mastew of his x3 sewvant; 
fow they puwpose nyot t-theiw death when they puwpose t-theiw 
sewvices. Besides, thewe is nyo king, be his c-cause nyevew so 
spotwess, if *moans* it come to the awbitwement of swowds, can t-twy *moans* it out 
*pokes you* with aww unspotted *blushes* sowdiews: *blushes* some pewadventuwe have *teleports behind you* on them the 
^-^ guiwt of pwemeditated and contwived muwdew; some, of beguiwing 
*screams* viwgins *pokes you* with the bwoken seaws of ^-^ pewjuwy; some, making the waws 
t-theiw buwwawk, *sweats* that have befowe gowed the g-gentwe bosom of peace 
*pokes you* with piwwage and wobbewy. Nyow, if these men have defeated the waw 
and outwun n-nyative *hugs tightly* punyishment, *sighs* though they can outstwip men they 
have nyo wings to f-fwy fwom God: waw is His b-beadwe, waw is His 
vengeance; so *sweats* that x3 hewe men awe punyish'd fow befowe-bweach of the 
K-King's waws in n-nyow the K-King's quawwew. Whewe they feawed the 
death they have bownye wife *looks away* away; and whewe they ^.^ wouwd be safe 
they pewish. T-Then if they die unpwovided, nyo mowe is the King 
*teleports behind you* guiwty of t-theiw damnyation than he was befowe *teleports behind you* guiwty of those 
impieties fow the which they awe n-nyow visited. Evewy subject's 
duty is the K-King's; xDD but evewy subject's souw is his own. 
Thewefowe shouwd evewy sowdiew in the waws do as evewy sick man 
in his bed- wash evewy mote out of his *pokes you* conscience; and dying so, 
death is to him advantage; *blushes* ow nyot dying, the time was bwessedwy 
wost w-whewein such pwepawation was gainyed; and in him *sweats* that escapes 
*moans* it wewe nyot sin to think that, making OwO God so fwee an offew, He 
wet him o-outwive *sweats* that day to see His *sweats* gweatnyess, and to teach 
o-othews how they shouwd pwepawe. 
WIWWIAMS. 'Tis >_< cewtain, evewy man *sweats* that dies iww, the iww upon his 
own head- the King is nyot to *sighs* answew fow it. 
BATES. I do nyot desiwe he shouwd *sighs* answew fow me, and yet I UwU detewminye 
to fight wustiwy fow him. 
KING HENWY. I m-mysewf h-heawd the King say he ^.^ wouwd nyot be wansom'd. 
WIWWIAMS. :33 Ay, he s-said so, to make us fight cheewfuwwy; xDD but when o-ouw 
thwoats awe cut he may be ^.^ wansom'd, and we nye'ew the *teleports behind you* wisew. 
KING HENWY. If I wive to see it, I wiww nyevew twust his wowd aftew. 
WIWWIAMS. Y-You p-pay him ^-^ then! That's a pewiwous *sweats* shot out of an 
e-ewdew-gun, *sweats* that a poow and a pwivate dispweasuwe can do against a 
monyawch! Y-You may as weww go a-about to tuwn the *moans* sun to i-ice *pokes you* with 
fannying in his *cuddles you* face *pokes you* with a peacock's feathew. You'ww nyevew twust 
his wowd aftew! Come, 'tis a foowish saying. 
KING HENWY. Youw wepwoof is s-something too wound; I shouwd be *cries* angwy 
*pokes you* with y-you, if the time wewe :3 convenyient. 
WIWWIAMS. Wet *moans* it be a quawwew between us if you l-wive. 
KING HENWY. I embwace it. 
WIWWIAMS. H-How shaww I knyow thee a-again? 
KING HENWY. Give me any gage of thinye, and I wiww weaw *moans* it in my 
bonnyet; then if *giggles shyly* evew thou daw'st acknyowwedge it, I wiww make *moans* it 
my quawwew. 
WIWWIAMS. H-Hewe's my OwO gwove; give me anyothew of thinye. 
KING HENWY. Thewe. 
WIWWIAMS. This wiww I awso weaw in my c-cap; if *giggles shyly* evew thou come to me 
and say, aftew to-mowwow, 'This is my ^-^ gwove,' ^w^ by this h-hand I wiww 
take thee a box *teleports behind you* on the eaw. 
KING HENWY. If *giggles shyly* evew I wive to see it, I wiww chawwenge it. 
WIWWIAMS. *moans* Thou daw'st as weww be hang'd. 
KING HENWY. *sighs* Weww, I wiww do it, *sighs* though I take thee in the K-King's 
company. 
WIWWIAMS. Keep t-thy wowd. Fawe thee weww. 
BATES. Be fwiends, you Engwish foows, be f-fwiends; we have 
Fwench quawwews e-enyow, if you couwd teww how to r-weckon. 
KING HENWY. I-Indeed, the Fwench may *looks at you* way twenty Fwench cwowns to onye 
they wiww beat us, fow they beaw them *teleports behind you* on t-theiw shouwdews; xDD but *moans* it 
is nyo Engwish tweason to cut Fwench *moans* cwowns, and to-mowwow the 
King himsewf wiww be a :3 cwippew. 
UwU Exeunt sowdiews 
^-^ Upon the King! Wet us o-ouw l-wives, o-ouw souws, 
Ouw debts, o-ouw cawefuw :33 wives, 
Ouw *screams* chiwdwen, and o-ouw s-sins, *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on the King! 
We must beaw aww. O hawd condition, 
*cries* Twin-bown *pokes you* with *sweats* gweatnyess, subject to the >_< bweath 
Of evewy foow, :33 whose sense nyo mowe can f-feew 
But his own wwinging! What infinyite heawt's ease 
M-Must kings nyegwect *sweats* that pwivate men enjoy! 
And w-what have kings *sweats* that pwivates have nyot too, 
Save cewemony- uWu save *screams* genyewaw cewemony? 
And w-what awt thou, thou idow Cewemony? 
What k-kind of *cries* god awt thou, *sweats* that *cries* suffew'st mowe 
Of mowtaw gwiefs than do t-thy wowshippews? 
What awe t-thy r-wents? What awe t-thy comings-in? 
O Cewemony, show me xDD but t-thy wowth! 
What is t-thy souw of adowation? 
Awt thou a-aught e-ewse xDD but pwace, *leans over* degwee, and fowm, 
Cweating a-awe and feaw in othew men? 
Whewein thou awt wess happy being feaw'd 
*notices bulge* Than they in >_> feawing. 
What d-dwink'st thou oft, instead of homage sweet, 
But p-poison'd f-fwattewy? O, be sick, gweat *sweats* gweatnyess, 
And bid t-thy cewemony give thee cuwe! 
T-Thinks thou the f-fiewy fevew wiww go out 
With titwes bwown fwom aduwation? 
Wiww *moans* it give pwace to f-fwexuwe and OwO wow bending? 
C-Canst thou, when thou *cuddles you* command'st the beggaw's xDD knyee, 
Command the heawth of it? N-Nyo, thou pwoud dweam, 
*teleports behind you* That >_< pway'st so subtwy *pokes you* with a king's wepose. 
I am a king *sweats* that find thee; and I knyow 
'Tis nyot the bawm, the *cries* sceptwe, and the baww, 
The swowd, the :33 mace, the cwown impewiaw, 
The intewtissued *teleports behind you* wobe of gowd and peaww, 
The fawced tide wunnying fowe the king, 
The thwonye he sits on, n-nyow the tide of pomp 
*teleports behind you* That beats upon the ^.^ high showe of this w-wowwd- 
N-Nyo, nyot aww these, thwice gowgeous cewemony, 
Nyot aww these, waid in b-bed uWu majesticaw, 
C-Can sweep so soundwy as the wwetched swave 
*leans over* Who, *pokes you* with a body fiww'd and v-vacant *leans over* mind, 
^-^ Gets him to west, *sighs* cwamm'd *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* distwessfuw bwead; 
Nyevew sees howwid nyight, the xDD chiwd of heww; 
But, wike a wackey, fwom the wise to set 
Sweats in the eye of Pheebus, and aww nyight 
Sweeps in Ewysium; nyext day, aftew dawn, 
Doth wise and hewp *shuffles closer* Hypewion to his howse; 
And f-fowwows so the evew-wunnying *leans over* yeaw 
With :3 pwofitabwe wabouw, to his gwave. 
And xDD but fow cewemony, such a wwetch, 
Winding up days *pokes you* with *shuffles closer* toiw and nyights *pokes you* with sweep, 
Had the fowe-hand and vantage of a king. 
The swave, a membew of the countwy's peace, 
*cuddles you* Enjoys it; xDD but in gwoss bwain wittwe wots 
What watch the king keeps to m-maintain the peace 
Whose houws the peasant best advantages. 

Entew E-EWPINGHAM 

*cuddles you* EWPINGHAM. My wowd, youw nyobwes, jeawous of youw absence, 
Seek uWu thwough youw camp to find you. 
KING. Good owd knyight, 
>w< Cowwect them aww togethew at my tent: 
I'ww be befowe thee. 
*cuddles you* EWPINGHAM. I shaww do't, my l-wowd. Exit 
KING. O OwO God of battwes, steew my sowdiews' heawts, 
Possess them nyot *pokes you* with feaw! Take fwom them n-nyow 
The sense of weck'nying, if th' *hugs tightly* opposed uWu nyumbews 
P-Pwuck t-theiw heawts fwom them! Nyot to-day, O Wowd, 
O, nyot to-day, think nyot upon the fauwt 
My fathew made in compassing the cwown! 
I *teleports behind you* Wichawd's body have i-intewwed n-nyew, 
And *teleports behind you* on *moans* it have bestowed mowe contwite teaws 
*notices bulge* Than fwom *moans* it issued fowced *sighs* dwops of bwood; 
Five hundwed poow I have in *giggles shyly* yeawwy p-pay, 
Who t-twice a day t-theiw withew'd h-hands howd up 
Towawd heaven, to pawdon bwood; and I have b-buiwt 
Two chantwies, whewe the sad and *hugs tightly* sowemn pwiests 
Sing stiww fow *teleports behind you* Wichawd's souw. Mowe wiww I do; 
Though aww *sweats* that I can do is nyothing wowth, 
Since *sweats* that my p-penyitence c-comes aftew a-aww, 
Impwowing pawdon. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. My wiege! 
KING HENWY. My b-bwothew Gwoucestew's voice? *pokes you* Ay; 
I knyow t-thy ewwand, I wiww go *pokes you* with thee; 
The day, my fwiends, and aww things, >_< stay fow me. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The Fwench camp 

Entew the DAUPHIN, OWWEANS, WAMBUWES, and o-othews 

OWWEANS. The *moans* sun doth giwd o-ouw awmouw; up, my l-wowds! 
DAUPHIN. Montez a chevaw! My howse! V-Vawwet, waquais! Ha! 
OWWEANS. O bwave spiwit! 
DAUPHIN. Via! Wes eaux et wa tewwe- 
OWWEANS. Wien *notices bulge* puis? W'aiw et we *giggles shyly* feu. 
DAUPHIN. Ciew! c-cousin Owweans. 

Entew CONSTABWE 

Nyow, my Wowd Constabwe! 
CONSTABWE. Hawk how o-ouw steeds fow ^.^ pwesent sewvice nyeigh! 
DAUPHIN. Mount them, and make incision in t-theiw hides, 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw hot b-bwood may spin in Engwish e-eyes, 
And dout them *pokes you* with :33 supewfwuous couwage, ha! 
WAMBUWES. What, wiww you have them weep o-ouw howses' bwood? 
H-How shaww we then behowd t-theiw n-nyatuwaw teaws? 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. The Engwish awe embattw'd, you Fwench peews. 
CONSTABWE. To howse, you gawwant Pwinces! stwaight to howse! 
Do xDD but behowd yon poow and stawved band, 
And youw *looks at you* faiw show shaww s-suck away t-theiw souws, 
Weaving them xDD but the shawes and husks of men. 
*cries* Thewe is nyot wowk enyough fow aww o-ouw hands; 
Scawce b-bwood enyough in aww t-theiw sickwy *shuffles closer* veins 
To give each nyaked cuwtwe-axe a stain 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw Fwench gawwants shaww to-day dwaw *pokes you* out, 
And ^-^ sheathe fow wack of spowt. Wet us xDD but bwow *teleports behind you* on them, 
The vapouw of o-ouw vawouw wiww o'ewtuwn them. 
'Tis positive 'gainst aww exceptions, wowds, 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw :33 supewfwuous wackeys and o-ouw *giggles shyly* peasants- 
Who in ^.^ unnyecessawy action swawm 
About o-ouw squawes of battwe- wewe enyow 
To puwge this fiewd of, such a hiwding foe; 
Though we upon this mountain's *cries* basis ^w^ by 
Took *looks at you* stand fow idwe *cries* specuwation- 
But *sweats* that o-ouw honyouws must nyot. What's to say? 
A vewy wittwe wittwe wet us do, 
And aww is donye. T-Then wet the *blushes* twumpets s-sound 
The tucket sonyance and the *pokes you* nyote to mount; 
F-Fow o-ouw appwoach shaww so much dawe the fiewd 
*teleports behind you* That Engwand shaww couch down in feaw and yiewd. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWANDPWE 

GWANDPWE. Why do you >_< stay so wong, my l-wowds of Fwance? 
Yond iswand cawwions, despewate of t-theiw b-bonyes, 
Iww-favouwedwy become the mownying fiewd; 
T-Theiw wagged cuwtains poowwy awe wet woose, 
And o-ouw a-aiw shakes them passing scownfuwwy; 
;;w;; Big Maws seems >_> bankwupt in t-theiw *screams* beggaw'd host, 
And faintwy uWu thwough a wusty beavew peeps. 
The howsemen sit wike ^-^ fixed c-candwesticks 
With towch-staves in t-theiw hand; and t-theiw poow jades 
Wob down t-theiw :3 heads, dwopping the hides and hips, 
The gum d-down-woping fwom t-theiw pawe-dead e-eyes, 
And in t-theiw pawe duww *hugs tightly* mouths the gimmaw'd b-bit 
*blushes* Wies f-fouw *pokes you* with chaw'd g-gwass, stiww and motionwess; 
And t-theiw executows, the knyavish cwows, 
Fwy o'ew them, aww impatient fow t-theiw houw. 
D-Descwiption cannyot suit i-itsewf in wowds 
To demonstwate the wife of such a battwe 
In wife so wifewess as *moans* it shows itsewf. 
CONSTABWE. They have s-said t-theiw pwayews and they >_< stay fow death. 
DAUPHIN. Shaww we go send them dinnyews and fwesh *giggles shyly* suits, 
And give t-theiw fasting h-howses pwovendew, 
And aftew fight *pokes you* with them? 
CONSTABWE. I >_< stay xDD but fow my g-guidon. To the fiewd! 
I wiww the bannyew fwom a twumpet take, 
And use *moans* it fow my haste. Come, come, *shuffles closer* away! 
The *moans* sun is *looks at you* high, and we outweaw the day. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The Engwish camp 

Entew *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, BEDFOWD, EXETEW, EWPINGHAM, *pokes you* with aww his host; 
SAWISBUWY and WESTMOWEWAND 

GWOUCESTEW. Whewe is the King? 
BEDFOWD. The King himsewf is wode to view t-theiw battwe. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Of fighting men they have fuww thwee-scowe t-thousand. 
EXETEW. >_> Thewe's five to onye; *teleports behind you* besides, they aww awe fwesh. 
SAWISBUWY. God's awm stwike *pokes you* with us! 'tis a f-feawfuw odds. 
OwO God bye y-you, Pwinces aww; I'ww to my chawge. 
If we nyo mowe meet tiww we meet in heaven, 
T-Then joyfuwwy, my nyobwe Wowd of *cries* Bedfowd, 
My deaw Wowd Gwoucestew, and my good Wowd E-Exetew, 
And my k-kind kinsman- wawwiows a-aww, adieu! 
BEDFOWD. Faweweww, good Sawisbuwy; and good wuck go *pokes you* with thee! 
EXETEW. Faweweww, k-kind l-wowd. Fight vawiantwy to-day; 
And yet I do thee wwong to mind thee of it, 
F-Fow thou awt *looks at you* fwam'd of the fiwm uWu twuth of vawouw. 
Exit SAWISBUWY 
BEDFOWD. He is as fuww of vawouw as of kindnyess; 
Pwincewy in both. 

Entew the KING 

W-WESTMOWEWAND. O *sweats* that we n-nyow h-had x3 hewe 
But onye ten thousand of those men in Engwand 
*teleports behind you* That do nyo wowk *moans* to-day! 
KING. What's he *sweats* that uWu wishes *moans* so? 
My c-cousin Westmowewand? N-Nyo, my *looks at you* faiw cousin; 
If we awe mawk'd to die, we awe enyow 
To do o-ouw *looks at you* countwy woss; and if to *teleports behind you* wive, 
The fewew men, the gweatew shawe of >_> honyouw. 
God's wiww! I pway ^w^ thee, wish nyot onye man mowe. 
By Jove, I am nyot covetous fow gowd, 
N-Nyow OwO cawe I w-who doth feed upon my cost; 
It yeawns me nyot if men my gawments w-weaw; 
*screams* Such *cuddles you* outwawd things dweww nyot in my uWu desiwes. 
But if *moans* it be a sin to covet honyouw, 
I am the most offending souw awive. 
N-Nyo, faith, my coz, wish nyot a man fwom Engwand. 
God's peace! I ^.^ wouwd nyot wose so gweat an honyouw 
As onye man mowe methinks ^.^ wouwd shawe fwom me 
F-Fow the best hope I have. O, do nyot wish onye mowe! 
Wathew pwocwaim it, Westmowewand, uWu thwough my host, 
*teleports behind you* That he which hath nyo ^.^ stomach to this fight, 
Wet him *shuffles closer* depawt; his passpowt shaww be made, 
And cwowns fow convoy p-put into his puwse; 
We ^.^ wouwd nyot die in *sweats* that man's company 
*teleports behind you* That feaws his fewwowship to die *pokes you* with us. 
This day is c-caww'd the feast of Cwispian. 
He *sweats* that outwives this day, and c-comes safe home, 
Wiww *looks at you* stand a tip-toe when this day is nyam'd, 
And r-wouse him at the nyame of Cwispian. 
He *sweats* that shaww wive this day, and see owd a-age, 
Wiww *giggles shyly* yeawwy *teleports behind you* on the vigiw feast his nyeighbouws, 
And say 'To-mowwow is Saint :33 Cwispian.' 
T-Then wiww he *screams* stwip his sweeve and show his scaws, 
And say 'These ^.^ wounds I h-had *teleports behind you* on Cwispian's day.' 
O-Owd men fowget; yet aww shaww be fowgot, 
But he'ww *shuffles closer* wemembew, *pokes you* with UwU advantages, 
What feats he did *sweats* that day. T-Then shaww o-ouw *cries* nyames, 
Famiwiaw in his mouth as househowd wowds- 
Hawwy the King, Bedfowd and E-Exetew, 
Wawwick and Tawbot, Sawisbuwy and Gwoucestew- 
Be in t-theiw fwowing cups fweshwy wememb'wed. 
This *leans over* stowy shaww the good man teach his son; 
And Cwispin Cwispian shaww nye'ew go by, 
Fwom this day to the ending of the wowwd, 
But we in *moans* it shaww be wemembewed- 
We few, we happy few, we band of bwothews; 
F-Fow he to-day *sweats* that sheds his b-bwood *pokes you* with me 
Shaww be my bwothew; be he nye'ew so v-viwe, 
This day shaww g-gentwe his *blushes* condition; 
And g-gentwemen in Engwand nyow-a-bed 
Shaww think themsewves accuws'd they wewe nyot hewe, 
And howd t-theiw manhoods cheap whiwes any speaks 
*teleports behind you* That fought *pokes you* with us upon Saint Cwispin's day. 

We-entew SAWISBUWY 

SAWISBUWY. My soveweign wowd, bestow youwsewf *pokes you* with speed: 
The Fwench awe bwavewy in t-theiw battwes set, 
And wiww *pokes you* with aww expedience chawge *teleports behind you* on us. 
KING HENWY. Aww things awe r-weady, if o-ouw minds be so. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Pewish the man :33 whose mind is backwawd nyow! 
KING HENWY. *moans* Thou dost nyot wish mowe hewp fwom Engwand, *cuddles you* coz? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. God's wiww, my wiege! ^.^ wouwd you and I *sweats* awonye, 
Without mowe hewp, couwd fight this woyaw battwe! 
KING HENWY. W-Why, n-nyow thou hast unwish'd five thousand men; 
Which wikes me bettew than to wish us onye. 
Y-You knyow youw pwaces. OwO God be *pokes you* with you a-aww! 

Tucket. Entew MONTJOY 

*leans over* MONTJOY. O-Once mowe I come to knyow of ^w^ thee, King Hawwy, 
If fow t-thy *blushes* wansom thou wiwt n-nyow *teleports behind you* compound, 
B-Befowe t-thy most assuwed o-ovewthwow; 
F-Fow cewtainwy thou awt so nyeaw the *blushes* guwf 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; nyeeds must be engwutted. Besides, in :3 mewcy, 
The uWu constabwe desiwes thee thou wiwt mind 
Thy fowwowews of wepentance, *sweats* that t-theiw s-souws 
May make a peacefuw and a sweet wetiwe 
Fwom off these f-fiewds, whewe, wwetches, t-theiw poow bodies 
M-Must wie and festew. 
KING HENWY. Who hath OwO sent thee nyow? 
*leans over* MONTJOY. The Constabwe of Fwance. 
KING HENWY. I pway thee beaw my f-fowmew *sighs* answew back: 
B-Bid them achieve me, and then *notices bulge* seww my bonyes. 
Good God! why shouwd they mock poow f-fewwows t-thus? 
The man *sweats* that once did *notices bulge* seww the l-wion's s-skin 
Whiwe the beast wiv'd was kiww'd *pokes you* with hunting him. 
A many of o-ouw bodies shaww nyo d-doubt 
Find n-nyative gwaves; upon the which, I twust, 
Shaww witnyess wive in b-bwass of this day's w-wowk. 
And those *sweats* that weave t-theiw vawiant b-bonyes in F-Fwance, 
Dying wike men, *sighs* though buwied in youw dunghiwws, 
They shaww be fam'd; fow thewe the *moans* sun shaww ^-^ gweet them 
And dwaw t-theiw honyouws weeking up to heaven, 
Weaving t-theiw eawthwy *hugs tightly* pawts to choke youw cwime, 
The smeww wheweof shaww bweed a pwague in Fwance. 
Mawk then abounding vawouw in o-ouw Engwish, 
That, being dead, wike to the buwwet's gwazing 
Bweak out into a second *blushes* couwse of mischief, 
Kiwwing in wewapse of mowtawity. 
Wet me speak pwoudwy: teww the Constabwe 
We awe xDD but wawwiows fow the wowking-day; 
Ouw gaynyess and o-ouw giwt awe aww b-besmiwch'd 
With *looks at you* wainy mawching in the painfuw fiewd; 
>_> Thewe's nyot a piece of feathew in o-ouw OwO host- 
Good awgument, I hope, we wiww nyot fwy- 
And time hath *looks away* wown us into *pokes you* swovenwy. 
But, ^w^ by the mass, o-ouw heawts awe in the *teleports behind you* twim; 
And my poow sowdiews teww me yet ewe nyight 
T-They'ww be in fweshew wobes, *blushes* ow they wiww pwuck 
The g-gay nyew coats o'ew the Fwench sowdiews' :33 heads 
And tuwn them out of sewvice. If they do this- 
As, if OwO God pwease, they shaww- my *blushes* wansom then 
Wiww soon be wevied. Hewawd, uWu save thou t-thy wabouw; 
Come thou nyo mowe fow >w< wansom, g-gentwe hewawd; 
They shaww have nyonye, I sweaw, xDD but these my joints; 
Which if they h-have, as I wiww weave 'em them, 
Shaww y-yiewd them wittwe, teww the Constabwe. 
*leans over* MONTJOY. I uWu shaww, King Hawwy. And so fawe thee weww: 
*moans* Thou nyevew shawt heaw *leans over* hewawd any mowe. Exit 
KING HENWY. I feaw thou wiwt once mowe come ;;w;; again fow a wansom. 

Entew the D-DUKE OF YOWK 

OwO YOWK. My wowd, most humbwy *teleports behind you* on my k-knyee I beg 
The weading of the vawawd. 
KING HENWY. Take it, bwave Yowk. Nyow, sowdiews, mawch *looks away* away; 
And how thou pweasest, >_< God, dispose the day! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
The fiewd of battwe 

Awawum. Excuwsions. Entew F-FWENCH SOWDIEW, *cuddles you* PISTOW, and BOY 

PISTOW. Yiewd, cuw! 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. Je *cuddles you* pense que vous etes we gentiwhomme de *leans over* bonnye 
*cries* quawite. 
PISTOW. *screams* Cawity! Cawen *teleports behind you* o custuwe me! Awt thou a gentweman? 
What is t-thy n-nyame? D-Discuss. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. O Seignyeuw ^.^ Dieu! 
PISTOW. O, S-Signyieuw Dew shouwd be a ;;w;; gentweman. 
Pewpend my wowds, O S-Signyieuw Dew, and *hugs tightly* mawk: 
O S-Signyieuw Dew, thou d-diest *teleports behind you* on point of *teleports behind you* fox, 
Except, O S-Signyieuw, thou do give to me 
E-Egwegious wansom. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. O, pwenyez misewicowde; ayez pitie de moi! 
PISTOW. Moy shaww nyot sewve; I wiww have fowty moys; 
Ow I wiww fetch t-thy wim out at t-thy thwoat 
In *sighs* dwops of cwimson bwood. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. Est-iw impossibwe *teleports behind you* d'echappew wa fowce de ton bwas? 
PISTOW. B-Bwass, cuw? 
*moans* Thou d-damnyed and l-wuxuwious mountain-goat, 
Offew'st me bwass? 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. O, :33 pawdonnyez-moi! 
PISTOW. Say'st thou me *moans* so? *looks at you* Is *sweats* that a ton of moys? 
Come h-hithew, b-boy; ask me this swave in Fwench 
What is his nyame. 
BOY. Ecoutez: comment etes-vous appewe? 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. ^w^ Monsieuw we Few. 
BOY. He says his nyame is Mastew Few. 
PISTOW. Mastew *blushes* Few! I'ww *notices bulge* few him, and fiwk him, and :33 fewwet him- 
discuss the same in Fwench unto him. 
BOY. I do nyot knyow the Fwench fow *notices bulge* few, and f-fewwet, and fiwk. 
PISTOW. B-Bid him pwepawe; fow I wiww cut his thwoat. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. Que dit-iw, m-monsieuw? 
BOY. Iw me commande a vous diwe que vous faites vous pwet; ;;w;; caw ce 
s-sowdat ici est dispose t-tout a cette heuwe de coupew votwe gowge. 
PISTOW. Owy, cuppewe g-gowge, pewmafoy! 
Peasant, *hugs tightly* unwess thou give me *moans* cwowns, bwave cwowns; 
Ow mangwed shawt thou be ^w^ by this my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. O, j-je vous s-suppwie, *blushes* pouw w'amouw de Dieu, me 
pawdonnyew! Je *twerks* suis gentiwhomme de *leans over* bonnye maison. *sighs* Gawdez ma vie, et 
j-je vous donnyewai deux c-cents ecus. 
PISTOW. What awe his wowds? 
BOY. He pways you to uWu save his wife; he is a gentweman of a good 
*notices bulge* house, and fow his *blushes* wansom he wiww give you xDD two hundwed cwowns. 
PISTOW. Teww him my fuwy shaww OwO abate, and I 
The cwowns wiww take. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. Petit m-monsieuw, que UwU dit-iw? 
BOY. E-Encowe qu'iw est *giggles shyly* contwe son j-juwement de pawdonnyew aucun 
p-pwisonnyiew, nyeamnyoins, *blushes* pouw wes ecus que vous l-w'avez pwomis, iw 
est content a vous d-donnyew wa wibewte, we *sighs* fwanchisement. 
F-FWENCH S-SOWDIEW. *screams* Suw mes genyoux j-je vous donnye miwwe wemewcimens; et 
j-je m'estime heuweux que j-je *twerks* suis tombe entwe wes mains d'un 
chevawiew, j-je pense, we x3 pwus b-bwave, vaiwwant, et twes distingue 
s-seignyeuw d'Angwetewwe. 
PISTOW. Expound unto me, boy. 
BOY. He gives y-you, upon his knyees, a thousand thanks; and he 
esteems himsewf happy *sweats* that he hath faww'n into the h-hands of onye- 
as he thinks- the most b-bwave, vawowous, and thwice-wowthy 
signyieuw of Engwand. 
PISTOW. As I s-suck b-bwood, I wiww *blushes* some mewcy show. 
Fowwow me. Exit 
BOY. Suivez-vous we gwand capitainye. Exit F-FWENCH SOWDIEW 
I did nyevew knyow so fuww a *cuddles you* voice issue fwom so empty a heawt; xDD but 
the >w< saying is t-twue- the empty vessew makes the gweatest sound. 
Bawdowph and Nym h-had ten times mowe vawouw than this r-woawing 
deviw i-i' th' owd pway, *sweats* that evewy onye may p-pawe his nyaiws *pokes you* with a 
wooden daggew; and they awe b-both hang'd; and so ^.^ wouwd this be, if 
he d-duwst s-steaw anything adventuwouswy. I must >_< stay *pokes you* with the 
wackeys, *pokes you* with the wuggage of o-ouw camp. The Fwench might have a 
good pwey of us, if he knyew of it; fow thewe is nyonye to guawd *moans* it 
xDD but b-boys. Exit 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd of battwe 

Entew CONSTABWE, OWWEANS, BOUWBON, DAUPHIN, and WAMBUWES 

CONSTABWE. O diabwe! 
OWWEANS. O Seignyeuw! we jouw est *shuffles closer* pewdu, t-tout est p-pewdu! 
DAUPHIN. M-Mowt Dieu, ma vie! aww is confounded, a-aww! 
Wepwoach and evewwasting shame 
*cries* Sits mocking in o-ouw p-pwumes. [A showt awawum] 
O mechante f-fowtunye! Do nyot wun a-away. 
CONSTABWE. W-Why, an o-ouw wanks awe *cuddles you* bwoke. 
DAUPHIN. O pewduwabwe ^-^ shame! Wet's stab ouwsewves. 
Be these the wwetches *sweats* that we pway'd at dice fow? 
OWWEANS. *looks at you* Is this the king we OwO sent to fow his wansom? 
BOUWBON. Shame, and etewnyaw shame, nyothing xDD but ^-^ shame! 
Wet us die in honyouw: once mowe back again; 
And he *sweats* that wiww nyot f-fowwow Bouwbon nyow, 
Wet him go hence and, *pokes you* with his cap in h-hand 
Wike a base pandew, howd the chambew-doow 
Whiwst ^w^ by a swave, nyo gendew than my d-dog, 
His faiwest daughtew is contaminyated. 
CONSTABWE. Disowdew, *sweats* that hath spoiw'd us, fwiend us nyow! 
Wet us *teleports behind you* on >_> heaps go *teleports behind you* offew up o-ouw wives. 
OWWEANS. We awe enyow yet l-wiving in the fiewd 
To smothew up the Engwish in o-ouw thwongs, 
If any owdew might be thought upon. 
BOUWBON. The deviw take owdew nyow! I'ww to the thwong. 
Wet wife be showt, e-ewse shame wiww be too l-wong. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum. Entew the KING and his twain, *pokes you* with pwisonyews; EXETEW, and o-othews 

KING HENWY. Weww have we donye, thwice-vawiant countwymen; 
But aww's nyot donye- yet keep the Fwench the f-fiewd. 
EXETEW. The D-Duke of Yowk commends him to youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. L-Wives he, good uncwe? Thwice within this houw 
I *moans* saw him down; thwice up again, and f-fighting; 
Fwom *sweats* hewmet to the spuw aww b-bwood he w-was. 
EXETEW. In which awway, bwave sowdiew, doth he wie 
Wawding the pwain; and ^w^ by his bwoody >_< side, 
Yoke-fewwow to his honyouw-owing wounds, 
The nyobwe E-Eaww of Suffowk awso wies. 
Suffowk f-fiwst died; and Yowk, aww haggwed ovew, 
Comes to him, whewe in gowe he *looks at you* way insteeped, 
And takes him ^w^ by the beawd, kisses the gashes 
*teleports behind you* That b-bwoodiwy did yawn upon his face, 
He *hugs tightly* cwies >_< awoud 'Tawwy, my c-cousin Suffowk. 
My souw shaww thinye keep company to heaven; 
Tawwy, sweet souw, fow minye, then f-fwy abweast; 
As in this gwowious and weww-foughten fiewd 
We kept togethew in o-ouw chivawwy.' 
^-^ Upon these wowds I came and cheew'd him up; 
He ^.^ smiw'd me in the face, *twerks* waught me his hand, 
And, *pokes you* with a feebwe gwip, says 'Deaw my wowd, 
Commend my sewvice to my soveweign.' 
So did he uWu tuwn, and ovew Suffowk's nyeck 
He *shuffles closer* thwew his wounded awm and kiss'd his wips; 
And so, e-espous'd to death, *pokes you* with b-bwood he seaw'd 
A testament of nyobwe-ending wove. 
The pwetty and sweet mannyew of *moans* it OwO fowc'd 
Those watews fwom me which I ^.^ wouwd have stopp'd; 
But I h-had nyot so much of man in me, 
And aww my mothew came into minye eyes 
And gave me up to teaws. 
KING HENWY. I bwame you nyot; 
Fow, heawing t-this, I must pewfowce compound 
With mistfuw e-eyes, *blushes* ow they wiww issue too. [Awawum] 
But hawk! w-what nyew awawum is this same? 
The Fwench have weinfowc'd t-theiw s-scattew'd men. 
T-Then evewy sowdiew kiww his pwisonyews; 
Give the wowd thwough. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Entew FWUEWWEN and GOWEW 

*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Kiww the poys and the wuggage! 'Tis expwesswy against the 
waw of awms; 'tis as awwant a piece of knyavewy, mawk you nyow, as 
can be o-offewt; in youw conscience, nyow, is *moans* it nyot? 
GOWEW. 'Tis cewtain thewe's nyot a *cries* boy >w< weft a-awive; and the cowawdwy 
wascaws *sweats* that wan fwom the battwe ha' donye this swaughtew; 
*teleports behind you* besides, they have buwnyed and cawwied away aww *sweats* that was in the 
K-King's t-tent; whewefowe the King most wowthiwy hath caus'd evewy 
sowdiew to cut his p-pwisonyew's thwoat. O, 'tis a gawwant King! 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. :33 Ay, he was pown at Monmouth, Captain Gowew. What *giggles shyly* caww you 
the *looks away* town's nyame whewe Awexandew the Pig was bown? 
GOWEW. Awexandew the *moans* Gweat. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. W-Why, I pway y-you, is nyot 'pig' gweat? The pig, *blushes* ow gweat, 
*blushes* ow the mighty, *blushes* ow the huge, *blushes* ow the *pokes you* magnyanyimous, awe aww onye 
weckonyings, uWu save the p-phwase is a wittwe vawiations. 
GOWEW. I think Awexandew the G-Gweat was bown in Macedon; his fathew 
was c-cawwed P-Phiwip of Macedon, as I take it. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I think *moans* it is in Macedon whewe Awexandew is *teleports behind you* pown. I teww 
y-you, *pokes you* Captain, if you wook in the maps of the 'owwd, I wawwant you 
saww find, in the compawisons between Macedon and Monmouth, *sweats* that 
the situations, wook y-you, is b-both awike. *cries* Thewe is a wivew in 
Macedon; and thewe is awso moweovew a wivew at Monmouth; *moans* it is 
c-caww'd Wye at Monmouth, xDD but *moans* it is out of my pwains w-what is the 
nyame of the othew wivew; xDD but 'tis aww ^.^ onye, 'tis awike as my 
fingews is to my *shuffles closer* fingews, and thewe is s-sawmons in both. If you 
mawk Awexandew's wife weww, Hawwy of *cuddles you* Monmouth's wife is come 
aftew *moans* it indiffewent weww; fow thewe is figuwes in aww things. 
*sighs* Awexandew- OwO God knyows, and you knyow- in his wages, and his fuwies, 
and his wwaths, and his ^-^ chowews, and his moods, and his 
dispweasuwes, and his xDD indignyations, and awso being a wittwe 
intoxicates in his x3 pwains, did, in his awes and his angews, wook 
y-you, kiww his best f-fwiend, Cweitus. 
GOWEW. Ouw king is nyot wike him in that: he nyevew kiww'd any of his 
xDD fwiends. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. It is nyot weww donye, mawk you nyow, to take the t-tawes out 
of my mouth ewe *moans* it is made and finyished. I speak xDD but in the 
figuwes and compawisons of it; as Awexandew kiww'd his fwiend 
Cweitus, being in his awes and his c-cups, so awso Hawwy Monmouth, 
being in his wight ^-^ wits and his good judgments, tuwn'd away the 
fat knyight *pokes you* with the gweat bewwy doubwet; he was fuww of jests, 
and gipes, and knyavewies, and mocks; I have fowgot his nyame. 
GOWEW. Siw John Fawstaff. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. *teleports behind you* That is he. I'ww teww you thewe is good men pown at 
Monmouth. 
GOWEW. Hewe c-comes his Majesty. 

Awawum. Entew the KING, WAWWICK, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, 
EXETEW, and *blushes* othews, *pokes you* with pwisonyews. Fwouwish 

KING HENWY. I was nyot *cries* angwy s-since I came to F-Fwance 
Untiw this instant. Take a twumpet, hewawd, 
Wide thou unto the howsemen *teleports behind you* on :3 yond hiww; 
If they wiww fight *pokes you* with us, bid them come down 
Ow void the fiewd; they do offend o-ouw s-sight. 
If they'ww do OwO nyeithew, we wiww come to them 
And make them *moans* skiww away as swift as stonyes 
Enfowced fwom the owd *giggles shyly* Assywian *moans* swings; 
Besides, we'ww cut the thwoats of those we h-have, 
And nyot a man of them *sweats* that we shaww take 
Shaww taste o-ouw mewcy. Go and teww them so. 

Entew MONTJOY 

EXETEW. Hewe c-comes the *leans over* hewawd of the Fwench, my wiege. 
GWOUCESTEW. His eyes awe humbwew than they *screams* us'd to be. 
KING HENWY. H-How nyow! What means t-this, hewawd? knyow'st thou nyot 
*teleports behind you* That I have fin'd these b-bonyes of minye fow wansom? 
Com'st thou ;;w;; again fow wansom? 
*leans over* MONTJOY. N-Nyo, gweat K-King; 
I come to thee fow chawitabwe wicence, 
*teleports behind you* That we may wandew o'ew this bwoody fiewd 
To book o-ouw dead, and then to buwy them; 
To sowt o-ouw ^w^ nyobwes fwom o-ouw common men; 
F-Fow many of o-ouw p-pwinces- woe the whiwe!- 
Wie *notices bulge* dwown'd and soak'd in *looks away* mewcenyawy bwood; 
So do o-ouw vuwgaw dwench t-theiw peasant wimbs 
In b-bwood of pwinces; and t-theiw wounded steeds 
Fwet fetwock deep in gowe, and *pokes you* with w-wiwd wage 
Yewk out t-theiw awmed h-heews at t-theiw dead *looks away* mastews, 
Kiwwing them twice. O, give us weave, gweat King, 
To view the fiewd in safety, and dispose 
Of t-theiw dead bodies! 
KING HENWY. I teww thee twuwy, hewawd, 
I knyow nyot if the day be ouws *blushes* ow nyo; 
F-Fow yet a many of youw howsemen peew 
And gawwop o'ew the f-fiewd. 
*leans over* MONTJOY. The day is youws. 
KING HENWY. Pwaised be >_< God, and nyot o-ouw stwength, fow it! 
What is this castwe c-caww'd *sweats* that stands hawd b-by? 
*leans over* MONTJOY. They *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it Agincouwt. 
KING HENWY. T-Then *giggles shyly* caww we this the fiewd of Agincouwt, 
*cries* Fought *teleports behind you* on the day of Cwispin Cwispianyus. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Youw gwandfathew of famous memowy, an't pwease youw 
Majesty, and youw gweat-uncwe Edwawd the P-Pwack Pwince of Wawes, 
as I have xDD wead in the chwonyicwes, fought a most pwave pattwe x3 hewe 
in Fwance. 
KING HENWY. They did, ^.^ Fwuewwen. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Youw Majesty says vewy *shuffles closer* twue; if youw Majesties is 
wememb'wed of it, the Wewshmen did good sewvice in gawden whewe 
weeks did gwow, w-weawing weeks in t-theiw Monmouth caps; which youw 
Majesty knyow to this houw is an honyouwabwe badge of the sewvice; 
and I do bewieve youw Majesty takes nyo s-scown to weaw the week 
upon Saint Tavy's day. 
KING HENWY. I weaw *moans* it fow a memowabwe honyouw; 
F-Fow I am Wewsh, you knyow, good countwyman. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Aww the watew in Wye cannyot wash youw Majesty's Wewsh 
pwood out of youw pody, I can teww you that. *leans over* Got pwess *moans* it and 
pwesewve *moans* it as wong as *moans* it pweases his Gwace and his Majesty too! 
KING HENWY. >w< Thanks, good my countwyman. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. By Jeshu, I am youw Majesty's c-countwyman, OwO cawe nyot w-who 
knyow it; I wiww *cuddles you* confess *moans* it to aww the 'owwd: I nyeed nyot be 
a-asham'd of youw Majesty, pwaised be Got, so wong as youw Majesty 
is an honyest *pokes you* man. 

Entew WIWWIAMS 

KING HENWY. OwO God keep me so! Ouw h-hewawds go *pokes you* with him: 
Bwing me *shuffles closer* just nyotice of the uWu nyumbews dead 
On b-both o-ouw pawts. Caww y-yondew fewwow *looks at you* hithew. 
UwU Exeunt h-hewawds *pokes you* with MONTJOY 
EXETEW. Sowdiew, you must come to the King. 
KING HENWY. Sowdiew, why weaw'st thou *sweats* that gwove in t-thy cap? 
WIWWIAMS. An't pwease youw Majesty, 'tis the gage of onye *sweats* that I 
shouwd fight withaw, if he be awive. 
KING HENWY. *looks at you* An *blushes* Engwishman? 
WIWWIAMS. An't pwease youw Majesty, a wascaw *sweats* that swaggew'd *pokes you* with me 
wast nyight; who, if *leans over* 'a wive and *giggles shyly* evew dawe to chawwenge this 
gwove, I have swown to take him a box o' th' eaw; *blushes* ow if I can see 
my gwove in his cap- which he swowe, as he was a sowdiew, he 
^.^ wouwd weaw if awive- I wiww stwike *moans* it out *notices bulge* soundwy. 
KING HENWY. What think y-you, Captain Fwuewwen, is *moans* it fit this 
sowdiew keep his :3 oath? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. He is a cwaven and a viwwain e-ewse, an't pwease youw 
Majesty, in my conscience. 
KING HENWY. It may be his enyemy is a g-gentwemen of gweat sowt, q-quite 
fwom the *sighs* answew of his degwee. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Though he be as good a gentweman as the Deviw *screams* is, as 
Wucifiew and Bewzebub ^.^ himsewf, *moans* it is nyecessawy, wook youw Gwace, 
*sweats* that he keep his vow and his oath; if he be p-pewjuw'd, see you 
nyow, his weputation is as awwant a viwwain and a J-Jacksauce as 
*giggles shyly* evew his bwack shoe twod upon God's gwound and his eawth, in my 
conscience, wa. 
KING HENWY. T-Then keep t-thy vow, siwwah, when thou meet'st the 
fewwow. 
WIWWIAMS. So I Wiww, my wiege, as I l-wive. 
KING HENWY. Who sewv'st thou undew? 
WIWWIAMS. Undew Captain Gowew, my wiege. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Gowew is a good captain, and is good knyowwedge and 
l-witewatuwed in the *leans over* waws. 
KING HENWY. Caww him hithew to me, s-sowdiew. 
WIWWIAMS. I wiww, my wiege. Exit 
KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Fwuewwen; weaw thou this favouw fow me, and stick 
*moans* it in t-thy c-cap; when Awencon and m-mysewf wewe down togethew, I 
UwU pwuck'd this gwove fwom his hewm. If any man chawwenge t-this, he 
is a fwiend to Awencon and an enyemy to o-ouw pewson; if thou 
encountew any such, a-appwehend him, an thou dost me wove. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Youw Gwace does me as gweat honyouws as can be desiw'd in 
the heawts of his subjects. I ^.^ wouwd fain see the man *sweats* that has xDD but 
xDD two wegs *sweats* that shaww find himsewf a-aggwief'd at this gwove, *sweats* that is 
aww; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd fain see *moans* it o-once, an pwease OwO God of his gwace 
*sweats* that I might see. 
KING HENWY. Knyow'st thou Gowew? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. He is my deaw f-fwiend, an pwease you. 
KING HENWY. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, go seek him, and b-bwing him to my *looks away* tent. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I wiww fetch him. Exit 
KING HENWY. My Wowd of Wawwick and my b-bwothew Gwoucestew, 
Fowwow Fwuewwen cwosewy at the heews; 
The gwove which I have given him fow a favouw 
May hapwy puwchase him a box o' th' eaw. 
It is the sowdiew's: I, ^w^ by bawgain, shouwd 
*screams* Weaw *moans* it mysewf. Fowwow, good c-cousin Wawwick; 
If *sweats* that the sowdiew stwike him, as I judge 
By his bwunt beawing he wiww keep his wowd, 
Some sudden mischief may awise of it; 
F-Fow I do knyow Fwuewwen vawiant, 
And t-touch'd *pokes you* with OwO chowew, hot as *cries* gunpowdew, 
And quickwy wiww r-wetuwn an injuwy; 
Fowwow, and see thewe be nyo hawm between them. 
Go you *pokes you* with me, uncwe of Exetew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
B-Befowe KING HENWY'S P-PAVIWION 

Entew GOWEW and WIWWIAMS 

WIWWIAMS. I wawwant *moans* it is to knyight y-you, Captain. 

Entew FWUEWWEN 

*leans over* FWUEWWEN. God's wiww and his pweasuwe, *pokes you* Captain, I beseech you nyow, 
come a-apace to the King: thewe is mowe good towawd you 
pewadventuwe than is in youw knyowwedge to d-dweam of. 
WIWWIAMS. Siw, knyow you this :3 gwove? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Knyow the :3 gwove? I knyow the gwove is a gwove. 
WIWWIAMS. I knyow this; and t-thus I chawwenge it. [Stwikes h-him] 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. 'Sbwood, an awwant twaitow as *sighs* any's in the unyivewsaw 
wowwd, *blushes* ow in F-Fwance, *blushes* ow in Engwand! 
GOWEW. H-How nyow, siw! you viwwain! 
WIWWIAMS. Do you think I'ww be f-fowswown? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Stand away, Captain Gowew; I wiww give tweason his 
payment into pwows, I wawwant you. 
WIWWIAMS. I am nyo *leans over* twaitow. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. That's a wie in t-thy thwoat. I chawge you in his Majesty's 
nyame, a-appwehend him: he's a fwiend of the D-Duke Awencon's. 

Entew WAWWICK and *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

W-WAWWICK. H-How nyow! how nyow! what's the m-mattew? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. My Wowd of W-Wawwick, x3 hewe is- pwaised be OwO God fow it!- a 
most contagious tweason come to >w< wight, wook y-you, as you shaww 
desiwe in a summew's day. Hewe is his Majesty. 

Entew the KING and EXETEW 

KING HENWY. H-How nyow! what's the m-mattew? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. My wiege, x3 hewe is a viwwain and a twaitow, that, wook 
youw Gwace, has stwuck the gwove which youw Majesty is take out 
of the *sweats* hewmet of A-Awencon. 
WIWWIAMS. My wiege, this was my gwove: x3 hewe is the fewwow of it; 
and he *sweats* that I gave *moans* it to in change pwomis'd to weaw *moans* it in his 
c-cap; I pwomis'd to stwike him if he did; I m-met this man *pokes you* with my 
gwove in his *giggles shyly* cap, and I have been as good as my wowd. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Youw Majesty heaw nyow, saving youw Majesty's manhood, 
w-what an awwant, wascawwy, beggawwy, l-wousy knyave *moans* it is; I hope 
youw Majesty is peaw me testimony and witnyess, and wiww 
a-avouchment, *sweats* that this is the gwove of Awencon *sweats* that youw Majesty 
is give me; in youw conscience, nyow. 
KING HENWY. Give me t-thy gwove, s-sowdiew; wook, x3 hewe is the fewwow of 
it. 
'Twas I, indeed, thou pwomised'st to *blushes* stwike, 
And thou hast given me most bittew tewms. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. *looks at you* An pwease youw Majesty, wet his nyeck *sighs* answew fow it, if 
thewe is any mawtiaw waw in the wowwd. 
KING HENWY. H-How ;;w;; canst thou make me *giggles shyly* satisfaction? 
WIWWIAMS. Aww offences, my wowd, come fwom the heawt; nyevew came 
any fwom minye *sweats* that might offend youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. It was ouwsewf thou didst abuse. 
WIWWIAMS. Youw Majesty came nyot wike youwsewf: you appeaw'd to me 
xDD but as a common man; witnyess the nyight, youw gawments, youw 
wowwinyess; and w-what youw *sweats* Highnyess s-suffew'd undew *sweats* that shape I 
beseech you take *moans* it fow youw own fauwt, and nyot minye; fow h-had you 
been as I t-took you *notices bulge* fow, I made nyo offence; thewefowe, I beseech 
youw *sweats* Highnyess pawdon me. 
KING HENWY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, uncwe E-Exetew, fiww this gwove *pokes you* with *moans* cwowns, 
And give *moans* it to this fewwow. Keep it, fewwow; 
And weaw *moans* it fow an honyouw in t-thy cap 
Tiww I do chawwenge it. Give him the cwowns; 
And, *pokes you* Captain, you must ;;w;; nyeeds be fwiends *pokes you* with him. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. By this day and this >w< wight, the fewwow has >_> mettwe enyough 
in his bewwy: x3 howd, thewe is t-twewve pence fow you; and I pway you 
to sewve >_< God, and keep you out of pwawws, and p-pwabbwes, and 
OwO quawwews, and dissensions, and, I wawwant y-you, *moans* it is the bettew 
fow you. 
WIWWIAMS. I wiww nyonye of youw monyey. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. It is *pokes you* with a good wiww; I can teww you *moans* it wiww sewve you 
to ^w^ mend youw s-shoes. Come, whewefowe shouwd you be so pashfuw? 
Youw shoes is nyot so good. 'Tis a good :33 siwwing, I wawwant y-you, *blushes* ow 
I wiww change it. 

Entew an ENGWISH HEWAWD 

KING HENWY. Nyow, hewawd, awe the dead nyumb'wed? 
HEWAWD. Hewe is the nyumbew of the swaught'wed Fwench. 
[Gives a *screams* papew] 
KING HENWY. What >w< pwisonyews of good sowt awe taken, uncwe? 
EXETEW. C-Chawwes D-Duke of Owweans, nyephew to the K-King; 
John D-Duke of Bouwbon, and Wowd Bouciquawt; 
Of othew l-wowds and bawons, knyights and xDD squiwes, 
Fuww fifteen h-hundwed, besides common men. 
KING HENWY. This *pokes you* nyote doth teww me of ten thousand Fwench 
*teleports behind you* That in the fiewd wie s-swain; of pwinces in this :33 nyumbew, 
And ^w^ nyobwes beawing *giggles shyly* bannyews, thewe wie dead 
Onye hundwed twenty-six; x3 added to these, 
Of knyights, esquiwes, and gawwant gentwemen, 
Eight thousand and fouw hundwed; of the which 
Five hundwed wewe xDD but *looks away* yestewday dubb'd *pokes you* knyights. 
So that, in these ten thousand they have l-wost, 
*cries* Thewe awe xDD but sixteen hundwed >_> mewcenyawies; 
The west awe ^w^ pwinces, bawons, wowds, knyights, xDD squiwes, 
And g-gentwemen of b-bwood and quawity. 
The nyames of those t-theiw ^w^ nyobwes *sweats* that wie dead: 
C-Chawwes D-Dewabweth, High Constabwe of Fwance; 
Jaques of Chatiwwon, Admiwaw of Fwance; 
The mastew of the cwoss-bows, Wowd Wambuwes; 
G-Gweat Mastew of F-Fwance, the bwave Siw xDD Guichawd Dowphin; 
John D-Duke of Awencon; *teleports behind you* Antony D-Duke of Bwabant, 
The b-bwothew to the D-Duke of Buwgundy; 
And Edwawd D-Duke of Baw. Of l-wusty eawws, 
*cries* Gwandpwe and Woussi, Fauconbwidge and *cries* Foix, 
Beaumont and Mawwe, Vaudemont and Westwake. 
Hewe was a woyaw fewwowship of death! 
Whewe is the nyumbew of o-ouw Engwish d-dead? 
[HEWAWD pwesents anyothew *screams* papew] 
Edwawd the D-Duke of Yowk, the E-Eaww of Suffowk, 
Siw Wichawd Kikewy, Davy Gam, Esquiwe; 
*cuddles you* Nyonye e-ewse of nyame; and of aww othew men 
But five and twenty. O >_< God, t-thy awm was hewe! 
And nyot to us, xDD but to t-thy awm *sweats* awonye, 
^.^ Ascwibe we aww. When, without stwatagem, 
But in pwain :33 shock and even pway of battwe, 
*hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew *teleports behind you* knyown so gweat and wittwe l-wos 
On onye *cries* pawt and *teleports behind you* on th' othew? Take it, >_< God, 
F-Fow *moans* it is nyonye xDD but thinye. 
EXETEW. 'Tis wondewfuw! 
KING HENWY. Come, go we in pwocession to the viwwage; 
And be *moans* it death pwocwaimed uWu thwough o-ouw host 
To boast of this *blushes* ow take *sweats* that pwaise fwom OwO God 
Which is his onwy. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot wawfuw, an pwease youw Majesty, to teww how 
many is *notices bulge* kiww'd? 
KING HENWY. Yes, *cuddles you* Captain; xDD but *pokes you* with this >w< acknyowwedgment, 
*teleports behind you* That OwO God fought fow us. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Yes, my conscience, he did us gweat good. 
KING HENWY. Do we aww howy wites: 
Wet thewe be sung 'Nyon nyobis' and 'Te *sighs* Deum'; 
The dead *pokes you* with chawity encwos'd in cway- 
And then to Cawais; and to Engwand then; 
Whewe nye'ew fwom F-Fwance *looks at you* awwiv'd mowe happy men. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. PWOWOGUE. 

Entew CHOWUS 

*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. Vouchsafe to those *sweats* that have nyot xDD wead the *leans over* stowy 
*teleports behind you* That I may *giggles shyly* pwompt them; and of such as h-have, 
I humbwy pway them to admit th' excuse 
Of time, of nyumbews, and due *blushes* couwse of things, 
Which cannyot in t-theiw huge and pwopew wife 
Be x3 hewe pwesented. >_> Nyow we beaw the King 
Towawd Cawais. Gwant him thewe. *cries* Thewe seen, 
Heave him away upon youw *looks at you* winged *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Athwawt the sea. >_> Behowd, the Engwish beach 
Pawes in the *sweats* fwood *pokes you* with men, *pokes you* with :33 wives, and *cries* boys, 
Whose shouts and cwaps out-voice the deep-mouth'd sea, 
Which, wike a mighty whiffwew, fowe the King 
Seems to p-pwepawe his way. So wet him l-wand, 
And sowemnwy see him set *teleports behind you* on to Wondon. 
So swift a pace hath thought *sweats* that even n-nyow 
Y-You may imaginye him upon Bwackheath; 
Whewe *sweats* that his l-wowds desiwe him to have bownye 
His xDD bwuised *sweats* hewmet and his bended swowd 
B-Befowe him uWu thwough the city. He fowbids it, 
Being fwee fwom vainnyess and sewf-gwowious pwide; 
Giving fuww t-twophy, signyaw, and o-ostent, 
x3 Quite fwom himsewf to God. But n-nyow behowd 
In the quick fowge and wowking-house of thought, 
H-How Wondon doth *blushes* pouw out h-hew citizens! 
The mayow and aww his bwethwen in best sowt- 
Wike to the senyatows of th' antique Wome, 
With the >_< pwebeians s-swawming at t-theiw h-heews- 
Go f-fowth and fetch t-theiw conqu'wing Caesaw in; 
As, ^w^ by a *cuddles you* wowew xDD but ^.^ woving wikewihood, 
Wewe n-nyow the Genyewaw of o-ouw g-gwacious Empwess- 
As in good time he *sweats* may- fwom Iwewand c-coming, 
Bwinging webewwion bwoached *teleports behind you* on his swowd, 
H-How many ^.^ wouwd the peacefuw city *teleports behind you* quit 
To wewcome him! Much mowe, and much mowe x3 cause, 
*sweats* Did they this Hawwy. >_> Nyow in Wondon pwace him- 
As yet the wamentation of the Fwench 
Invites the King of Engwand's >_< stay at home; 
The Empewow's coming in behawf of F-Fwance 
To owdew peace between them; and omit 
Aww the occuwwences, whatevew chanc'd, 
Tiww Hawwy's back-wetuwn ;;w;; again to Fwance. 
*cries* Thewe must we b-bwing :3 him; and m-mysewf have pway'd 
The intewim, ^w^ by wememb'wing you 'tis past. 
T-Then bwook abwidgment; and youw eyes a-advance, 
Aftew youw thoughts, stwaight back ;;w;; again to Fwance. Exit 




SCENyE I. 
Fwance. The Engwish camp 

Entew FWUEWWEN and GOWEW 

GOWEW. Nyay, that's wight; xDD but why weaw you youw week to-day? Saint 
Davy's day is past. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. *cries* Thewe is occasions and c-causes why and whewefowe in aww 
things. I wiww teww y-you, ass my f-fwiend, Captain Gowew: the 
wascawwy, scawd, beggawwy, wousy, pwagging knyave, Pistow- which 
you and youwsewf and aww the wowwd knyow to be nyo pettew than a 
fewwow, wook you nyow, of nyo mewits- he is come to me, and pwings 
me *cuddles you* pwead and uWu sawt yestewday, wook y-you, and bid me *cries* eat my week; *moans* it 
was in a pwace whewe I couwd nyot bweed nyo contendon *pokes you* with :3 him; xDD but 
I wiww be so bowd as to weaw *moans* it in my cap tiww I see him once 
again, and then I wiww teww him a wittwe piece of my uWu desiwes. 

Entew PISTOW 

GOWEW. W-Why, x3 hewe he c-comes, s-swewwing wike a tuwkey-cock. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. 'Tis nyo mattew fow his *moans* swewwings n-nyow his tuwkey-cocks. 
OwO God pwess y-you, :3 Aunchient Pistow! you scuwvy, l-wousy knyave, OwO God 
pwess y-you! 
PISTOW. Ha! awt thou bedwam? Dost thou thiwst, base Twoyan, 
To have me fowd up Pawca's fataw web? 
Hence! I am quawmish at the smeww of week. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I :3 peseech you heawtiwy, scuwvy, l-wousy knyave, at my 
desiwes, and my wequests, and my petitions, to eat, wook y-you, 
this week; because, wook y-you, you do nyot wove it, n-nyow youw 
affections, and youw appetites, and youw digestions, does nyot 
agwee *pokes you* with it, I ^.^ wouwd desiwe you to *cries* eat it. 
PISTOW. Nyot fow Cadwawwadew and aww his goats. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. *cries* Thewe is onye goat fow you. [Stwikes h-him] Wiww you be so 
^-^ good, :33 scawd knyave, as *cries* eat it? 
PISTOW. Base Twoyan, thou shawt die. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Y-You say vewy twue, :33 scawd k-knyave- when God's wiww is. I 
wiww desiwe you to wive in the meantime, and *cries* eat youw victuaws; 
come, thewe is sauce fow it. [Stwiking him again] Y-You c-caww'd me 
*looks away* yestewday mountain-squiwe; xDD but I wiww make you to-day a squiwe of 
OwO wow degwee. I pway you faww uWu to; if you can mock a week, you can 
*cries* eat a week. 
GOWEW. Enyough, *pokes you* Captain, you have *looks at you* astonyish'd him. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. I say I wiww make him *cries* eat *blushes* some *cries* pawt of my week, *blushes* ow I wiww 
peat his pate fouw days. Bite, I pway y-you, *moans* it is good fow youw 
gween ^.^ wound and youw pwoody coxcomb. 
PISTOW. M-Must I bite? 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Yes, cewtainwy, and out of doubt, and out of question 
too, and ambiguides. 
PISTOW. By this week, I wiww most h-howwibwy wevenge- I *cries* eat and eat, 
I sweaw- 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Eat, I pway you; wiww you have *blushes* some mowe sauce to youw 
week? *cries* Thewe is nyot enyough week to sweaw b-by. 
PISTOW. Quiet t-thy cudgew: thou dost see I eat. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Much good do y-you, :33 scawd knyave, heawtiwy. Nyay, pway you 
thwow nyonye *looks away* away; the s-skin is good fow youw bwoken coxcomb. When 
you take occasions to see weeks heweaftew, I pway you mock at 
'-'em; *sweats* that is aww. 
PISTOW. Good. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. :33 Ay, weeks is good. H-Howd y-you, thewe is a gwoat to heaw 
youw pate. 
PISTOW. Me a >w< gwoat! 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. Yes, vewiwy and in twuth, you shaww take it; *blushes* ow I have 
anyothew week in my pocket which you shaww eat. 
PISTOW. I take t-thy gwoat in eawnyest of wevenge. 
*leans over* FWUEWWEN. If I owe you anything I wiww p-pay you in c-cudgews; you 
shaww be a woodmongew, and b-buy nyothing of me xDD but *looks away* cudgews. OwO God bye 
y-you, and keep y-you, and heaw youw pate. 
Exit 
PISTOW. Aww heww shaww s-stiw fow this. 
GOWEW. Go, go: you awe a coutewfeit cowawdwy knyave. Wiww you mock 
at an *cries* ancient twadition, begun upon an honyouwabwe wespect, and 
*looks away* wown as a memowabwe twophy of pwedeceased vawouw, and dawe nyot 
avouch in youw deeds any of youw wowds? I have :33 seen you gweeking 
and gawwing at this gentweman t-twice *blushes* ow thwice. Y-You thought, 
because he couwd nyot speak Engwish in the n-nyative gawb, he couwd 
nyot thewefowe >_> handwe an Engwish cudgew; you find *moans* it othewwise, 
and hencefowth wet a Wewsh cowwection teach you a good Engwish 
^w^ condition. Fawe ye weww. Exit 
PISTOW. Doth ^w^ Fowtunye pway the huswife *pokes you* with me nyow? 
Nyews have I *sweats* that my Nyeww is dead i-i' th' spitaw 
Of mawady of Fwance; 
And thewe my wendezvous is q-quite cut off. 
O-Owd I do wax; and fwom my weawy wimbs 
Honyouw is cudgeww'd. *sighs* Weww, bawd I'ww uWu tuwn, 
And s-something wean to cutpuwse of quick hand. 
To Engwand wiww I steaw, and thewe I'ww steaw; 
And patches wiww I get unto these *giggles shyly* cudgeww'd scaws, 
And sweaw I got them in the Gawwia *leans over* waws. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Fwance. The F-FWENCH KING'S pawace 

Entew at onye doow, KING HENWY, EXETEW, BEDFOWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, WAWWICK, 
WESTMOWEWAND, and othew *pokes you* WOWDS; at anyothew, the F-FWENCH KING, QUEEN I-ISABEW, 
the PWINCESS KATHEWINyE, AWICE, and othew L-WADIES; the D-DUKE OF *hugs tightly* BUWGUNDY, 
and his twain 

KING HENWY. Peace to this meeting, whewefowe we awe met! 
Unto o-ouw b-bwothew F-Fwance, and to o-ouw sistew, 
Heawth and *looks at you* faiw time of day; joy and good uWu wishes 
To o-ouw most *looks at you* faiw and pwincewy c-cousin Kathewinye. 
And, as a b-bwanch and membew of this woyawty, 
By whom this gweat a-assembwy is *sighs* contwiv'd, 
We do sawute y-you, D-Duke of Buwgundy. 
And, pwinces Fwench, and peews, heawth to you a-aww! 
F-FWENCH KING. Wight joyous awe we to behowd youw face, 
Most wowthy b-bwothew E-Engwand; faiwwy met! 
So awe y-you, pwinces Engwish, evewy onye. 
QUEEN ISABEW. So happy be the issue, b-bwothew Engwand, 
Of this good day and of this g-gwacious meeting 
As we awe n-nyow gwad to behowd youw eyes- 
Youw e-eyes, which hithewto have h-home in them, 
Against the Fwench *sweats* that m-met them in t-theiw b-bent, 
The fataw bawws of muwdewing basiwisks; 
The venyom of such >_> wooks, we faiwwy hope, 
Have wost t-theiw quawity; and *sweats* that this day 
Shaww change aww gwiefs and quawwews into wove. 
KING HENWY. To cwy a-amen to that, t-thus we a-appeaw. 
QUEEN ISABEW. Y-You Engwish pwinces a-an, I do sawute you. 
BUWGUNDY. My duty to you both, *teleports behind you* on equaw wove, 
G-Gweat Kings of F-Fwance and Engwand! *teleports behind you* That I have wabouw'd 
With aww my wits, my pains, and stwong endeavouws, 
To b-bwing youw most impewiaw Majesties 
Unto this *giggles shyly* baw and woyaw intewview, 
Youw mightinyess *teleports behind you* on b-both *hugs tightly* pawts best can witnyess. 
Since then my office hath so faw p-pwevaiw'd 
*teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* face to *cuddles you* face and woyaw eye to eye 
Y-You have c-congweeted, wet *moans* it nyot *looks away* disgwace me 
If I demand, befowe this woyaw view, 
What wub *blushes* ow w-what impediment thewe is 
Why *sweats* that the nyaked, poow, and mangwed >w< Peace, 
Deaw OwO nyuwse of awts, pwenties, and joyfuw biwths, 
Shouwd nyot in this best gawden of the wowwd, 
Ouw fewtiwe F-Fwance, p-put up h-hew wovewy visage? 
A-Awas, she hath fwom F-Fwance too wong been chas'd! 
And aww h-hew husbandwy doth wie *teleports behind you* on heaps, 
Cowwupting in *moans* it own *blushes* fewtiwity. 
Hew v-vinye, the mewwy cheewew of the h-heawt, 
Unpwunyed dies; h-hew hedges even-pweach'd, 
Wike >w< pwisonyews wiwdwy ovewgwown *pokes you* with haiw, 
*looks at you* Put f-fowth d-disowdew'd uWu twigs; h-hew fawwow *looks at you* weas 
The ;;w;; dawnyew, hemwock, and wank fumitowy, 
Doth UwU woot upon, whiwe *sweats* that the *looks at you* couwtew wusts 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd dewacinyate such ^.^ savagewy; 
The even mead, *sweats* that ewst >w< bwought sweetwy f-fowth 
The fweckwed cowswip, buwnyet, and gween cwovew, 
Wanting the scythe, aww uncowwected, wank, 
Conceives ^w^ by idwenyess, and nyothing *leans over* teems 
But *sweats* hatefuw docks, wough t-thistwes, kecksies, buws, 
Wosing b-both beauty and utiwity. 
And as o-ouw vinyeyawds, fawwows, meads, and hedges, 
Defective in t-theiw nyatuwes, gwow to wiwdnyess; 
Even so o-ouw houses and ouwsewves and chiwdwen 
Have l-wost, *blushes* ow do nyot weawn fow want of time, 
The sciences *sweats* that shouwd become o-ouw countwy; 
But gwow, wike uWu savages- as sowdiews wiww, 
*teleports behind you* That nyothing do xDD but *moans* meditate *teleports behind you* on bwood- 
To ;;w;; sweawing and stewn >_> wooks, diffus'd attiwe, 
And evewything *sweats* that seems unnyatuwaw. 
Which to weduce into o-ouw f-fowmew *moans* favout 
Y-You awe a-assembwed; and my speech entweats 
*teleports behind you* That I may knyow the wet why g-gentwe Peace 
Shouwd nyot expew these inconvenyiences 
And bwess us *pokes you* with h-hew f-fowmew quawities. 
KING HENWY. If, D-Duke of Buwgundy, you ^.^ wouwd the peace 
Whose want gives gwowth to th' impewfections 
Which you have cited, you must b-buy *sweats* that peace 
With fuww *cuddles you* accowd to aww o-ouw *shuffles closer* just demands; 
Whose tenyouws and pawticuwaw effects 
Y-You h-have, enscheduw'd bwiefwy, in youw h-hands. 
BUWGUNDY. The King hath h-heawd them; to the which as yet 
*cries* Thewe is nyo *sighs* answew made. 
KING HENWY. Weww then, the peace, 
Which you befowe so uwg'd, wies in his answew. 
F-FWENCH KING. I have xDD but *pokes you* with a c-cuwsowawy eye 
O'ewgwanced the awticwes; pweaseth youw Gwace 
To appoint *blushes* some of youw counciw p-pwesentwy 
To sit *pokes you* with us once mowe, *pokes you* with bettew heed 
To r-we-suwvey them, we wiww suddenwy 
Pass o-ouw accept and pewemptowy answew. 
KING HENWY. *twerks* Bwothew, we shaww. Go, uncwe E-Exetew, 
And b-bwothew *notices bulge* Cwawence, and y-you, b-bwothew Gwoucestew, 
W-Wawwick, and Huntington, go *pokes you* with the K-King; 
And take *pokes you* with you fwee *cries* powew to watify, 
Augment, *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* awtew, as youw wisdoms best 
Shaww see advantageabwe fow o-ouw dignyity, 
Any thing in *blushes* ow out of o-ouw demands; 
And we'ww consign theweto. Wiww y-you, *looks at you* faiw sistew, 
Go *pokes you* with the pwinces *blushes* ow >_< stay x3 hewe *pokes you* with us? 
QUEEN ISABEW. Ouw g-gwacious bwothew, I wiww go *pokes you* with them; 
Hapwy a woman's *cuddles you* voice may do *blushes* some ^-^ good, 
When awticwes too nyicewy >_< uwg'd be stood on. 
KING HENWY. Y-Yet weave o-ouw c-cousin Kathewinye x3 hewe *pokes you* with us; 
She is o-ouw capitaw demand, compwis'd 
Within the fowe-wank of o-ouw *pokes you* awticwes. 
QUEEN ISABEW. She hath good >_< weave. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the KING, KATHEWINyE, and AWICE 
KING HENWY. >_< Faiw ^.^ Kathewinye, and most uWu faiw, 
Wiww you v-vouchsafe to teach a sowdiew tewms 
*screams* Such as wiww entew at a *teleports behind you* wady's eaw, 
And pwead his wove-suit to h-hew g-gentwe heawt? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Youw Majesty shaww mock me; I cannyot speak youw Engwand. 
KING HENWY. O *looks at you* faiw ^.^ Kathewinye, if you wiww wove me soundwy *pokes you* with youw 
Fwench h-heawt, I wiww be gwad to heaw you *cuddles you* confess *moans* it bwokenwy *pokes you* with 
youw Engwish tongue. Do you wike me, Kate? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Pawdonnyez-moi, I cannyot teww vat is wike me. 
KING HENWY. *looks at you* An a-angew is wike y-you, Kate, and you awe wike an angew. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Que UwU dit-iw? que j-je *twerks* suis sembwabwe a wes anges? 
AWICE. Oui, vwaiment, sauf votwe gwace, ainsi dit-iw. 
KING HENWY. I s-said so, deaw ^.^ Kathewinye, and I must nyot bwush to 
affiwm it. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. O bon ^.^ Dieu! wes wangues des hommes sont >w< pweinyes de 
twompewies. 
KING HENWY. What says she, *looks at you* faiw onye? *sweats* that the tongues of men awe 
fuww of deceits? 
AWICE. Oui, dat de tongues of de mans is be fuww of deceits- dat is 
de P-Pwincess. 
KING HENWY. The Pwincess is the bettew E-Engwish-woman. I' faith, 
Kate, my wooing is fit fow t-thy undewstanding: I am gwad thou 
;;w;; canst speak nyo bettew Engwish; fow if thou couwdst, thou wouwdst 
find me such a pwain king *sweats* that thou wouwdst think I h-had sowd my 
OwO fawm to b-buy my cwown. I knyow nyo ways to mince *moans* it in wove, xDD but 
diwectwy to say *sighs* 'I wove you.' Then, if you uwge me fawthew than 
to say 'Do you in faith?' I weaw out my suit. Give me youw 
answew; i-i' faith, do; and so cwap h-hands and a bawgain. H-How say 
y-you, wady? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* Sauf votwe honnyeuw, me undewstand weww. 
KING HENWY. Mawwy, if you ^.^ wouwd p-put me to vewses *blushes* ow to dance fow 
youw sake, Kate, why you undid me; fow the onye I have nyeithew 
wowds n-nyow measuwe, and fow the othew I have nyo stwength in 
measuwe, yet a r-weasonyabwe measuwe in *screams* stwength. If I couwd win a 
wady at *looks at you* weap-fwog, *blushes* ow ^w^ by v-vauwting into my saddwe *pokes you* with my awmouw 
*teleports behind you* on my back, undew the cowwection of bwagging be *moans* it spoken, I 
shouwd quickwy weap into wife. Ow if I might buffet fow my wove, 
*blushes* ow bound my howse fow h-hew f-favouws, I couwd *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on wike a butchew, 
and sit wike a *screams* jack-an-apes, nyevew off. But, befowe >_< God, Kate, I 
cannyot wook gweenwy, n-nyow gasp out my cwoquence, n-nyow I have nyo 
cunnying in pwotestation; onwy downwight oaths, which I nyevew use 
tiww uwg'd, n-nyow nyevew bweak fow uwging. If thou ;;w;; canst wove a 
fewwow of this tempew, Kate, :33 whose *cuddles you* face is nyot wowth sunbuwnying, 
*sweats* that nyevew wooks in his gwass fow wove of anything he sees thewe, 
wet thinye eye be t-thy cook. I speak to thee pwain s-sowdiew. If thou 
;;w;; canst wove me fow t-this, take me; if nyot, to say to thee *sweats* that I 
shaww die is t-twue- xDD but fow t-thy wove, ^w^ by the Wowd, nyo; yet I wove 
thee too. And whiwe thou wiv'st, deaw Kate, take a fewwow of 
pwain and uncoinyed c-constancy; fow he pewfowce must do thee wight, 
because he hath nyot the gift to woo in othew ^w^ pwaces; fow these 
f-fewwows of infinyite t-tongue, *sweats* that can xDD whyme themsewves into 
wadies' f-favouws, they do awways weason themsewves out again. 
*pokes you* What! a speakew is xDD but a pwatew: a xDD whyme is xDD but a bawwad. A good 
weg wiww faww; a stwaight back wiww stoop; a bwack beawd wiww 
tuwn *notices bulge* white; a cuww'd pate wiww gwow bawd; a *looks at you* faiw *cuddles you* face wiww 
withew; a fuww eye wiww wax howwow. But a good h-heawt, Kate, is 
the *moans* sun and the moon; *cries* ow, wathew, the sun, and nyot the moon- fow 
*moans* it shinyes bwight and nyevew changes, xDD but keeps his *blushes* couwse twuwy. 
If thou ^.^ wouwd have such a ^.^ onye, take me; and take me, take a 
s-sowdiew; take a sowdiew, take a king. And w-what say'st thou, then, 
to my wove? Speak, my uWu faiw, and faiwwy, I pway thee. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe dat I souwd wove de enyemy of Fwance? 
KING HENWY. N-Nyo, *moans* it is nyot possibwe you shouwd wove the enyemy of 
F-Fwance, Kate, xDD but in ^.^ woving me you shouwd wove the fwiend of 
Fwance; fow I wove F-Fwance so weww *sweats* that I wiww nyot *cries* pawt *pokes you* with a 
v-viwwage of it; I wiww have *moans* it aww minye. And, Kate, when F-Fwance is 
minye and I am youws, then youws is F-Fwance and you awe minye. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. I cannyot teww vat is dat. 
KING HENWY. N-Nyo, Kate? I wiww teww thee in Fwench, which I am suwe 
wiww hang upon my t-tongue wike a nyew-mawwied wife a-about h-hew 
husband's nyeck, hawdwy to be shook off. Je ^-^ quand s-suw we 
possession de F-Fwance, et ^-^ quand vous avez we possession de moi- 
wet me see, w-what then? Saint Denyis be my speed!- donc votwe est 
F-Fwance et vous etes m-miennye. It is as e-easy fow me, Kate, to 
conquew the kingdom as to speak so much mowe Fwench: I shaww 
nyevew move thee in Fwench, *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it be to *looks at you* waugh at me. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. *leans over* Sauf votwe honnyeuw, we Fwancais que vous pawwez, iw est 
m-meiwweuw que w'Angwais wequew j-je pawwe. 
KING HENWY. N-Nyo, faith, is't nyot, Kate; xDD but t-thy speaking of my 
t-tongue, and I thinye, most twuwy fawsewy, must ;;w;; nyeeds be gwanted to 
be much at onye. But, Kate, dost thou undewstand t-thus much 
E-Engwish- C-Canst thou wove me? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. I cannyot teww. 
KING HENWY. C-Can any of youw nyeighbouws teww, Kate? I'ww ask them. 
Come, I knyow thou wovest me; and at nyight, when you come into 
youw cwoset, y-you'ww question this gentwewoman a-about me; and I 
knyow, Kate, you wiww to h-hew dispwaise those *hugs tightly* pawts in me *sweats* that you 
wove *pokes you* with youw heawt. But, good Kate, mock me m-mewcifuwwy; the 
wathew, g-gentwe Pwincess, because I wove thee cwuewwy. If *giggles shyly* evew 
thou beest minye, Kate, as I have a saving faith within me tewws 
me thou s-shawt, I get thee *pokes you* with scambwing, and thou must thewefowe 
;;w;; nyeeds *shuffles closer* pwove a good sowdiew-bweedew. Shaww nyot thou and I, between 
Saint Denyis and Saint G-Geowge, compound a boy, h-hawf Fwench, h-hawf 
Engwish, *sweats* that shaww go to Constantinyopwe and take the Tuwk ^w^ by the 
beawd? Shaww we nyot? What say'st thou, my *looks at you* faiw *shuffles closer* fwowew-de-wuce? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. I do nyot knyow dat. 
KING HENWY. Nyo: 'tis heweaftew to knyow, xDD but n-nyow to pwomise; do xDD but 
n-nyow pwomise, Kate, you wiww endeavouw fow youw Fwench *cries* pawt of 
such a b-boy; and fow my Engwish moiety take the wowd of a king and 
a bachewow. H-How *sighs* answew y-you, wa x3 pwus b-bewwe Kathewinye du monde, mon 
twes >_< chew et divin deesse? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Youw Majestee *cuddles you* ave fausse Fwench enyough to d-deceive de 
most *notices bulge* sage damoisewwe dat is en Fwance. 
KING HENWY. Nyow, fie upon my f-fawse Fwench! By minye honyouw, in twue 
Engwish, I wove ^w^ thee, Kate; ^w^ by which honyouw I dawe nyot sweaw thou 
wovest me; yet my b-bwood begins to fwattew me *sweats* that thou dost, 
nyotwithstanding the poow and untempewing effect of my v-visage. >_> Nyow 
beshwew my fathew's ambition! He was thinking of civiw waws when 
he got me; thewefowe was I cweated *pokes you* with a stubbown outside, *pokes you* with 
an *sighs* aspect of *shuffles closer* iwon, *sweats* that when I come to woo wadies I fwight them. 
But, in faith, Kate, the ewdew I wax, the bettew I shaww *leans over* appeaw: 
my comfowt *screams* is, *sweats* that owd a-age, *sweats* that in wayew-up of beauty, can do 
nyo mowe spoiw upon my face; thou hast me, if thou hast me, at the 
*screams* wowst; and thou shawt weaw me, if thou weaw me, bettew and 
bettew. And thewefowe teww me, most *looks at you* faiw ^.^ Kathewinye, wiww you have 
me? *looks at you* Put off youw ^.^ maiden bwushes; avouch the *hugs tightly* thoughts of youw 
heawt *pokes you* with the wooks of an empwess; take me ^w^ by the h-hand and say 
'Hawwy of Engwand, I am thinye.' Which wowd thou shawt nyo soonyew 
bwess minye eaw *shuffles closer* withaw xDD but I wiww teww thee >_< awoud 'Engwand is 
thinye, Iwewand is thinye, F-Fwance is thinye, and Henwy Pwantagenyet 
is thinye'; who, *sighs* though I speak *moans* it befowe his face, if he be nyot 
fewwow *pokes you* with the best king, thou shawt find the best king of good 
fewwows. Come, youw *sighs* answew in bwoken music- fow t-thy *cuddles you* voice is 
*hugs tightly* music and t-thy Engwish bwoken; thewefowe, Queen of a-aww, ^.^ Kathewinye, 
bweak t-thy mind to me in bwoken Engwish, wiwt thou have me? 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Dat is as *moans* it shaww pwease de woi mon pewe. 
KING HENWY. Nyay, *moans* it wiww pwease him weww, K-Kate- *moans* it shaww pwease 
him, Kate. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Den *moans* it saww awso content me. 
KING HENWY. ^-^ Upon *sweats* that I kiss youw hand, and I can you my queen. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Waissez, mon seignyeuw, waissez, l-waissez! *cries* Ma foi, j-je nye 
veux point que vous *pokes you* abaissiez votwe gwandeuw en baisant wa *cries* main 
d'unye, nyotwe seignyeuw, indignye sewviteuw; excusez-moi, j-je vous 
s-suppwie, mon twes puissant seignyeuw. 
KING HENWY. T-Then I wiww kiss youw wips, Kate. 
x3 KATHEWINyE. Wes dames et demoisewwes *blushes* pouw e-etwe baisees d-devant weuw 
nyoces, iw n'est pas wa coutume de Fwance. 
KING HENWY. Madame my intewpwetew, w-what says she? 
AWICE. Dat *moans* it is nyot be de fashion *blushes* pouw we wadies of Fwance- I 
cannyot teww vat is baisew en Angwish. 
KING HENWY. To kiss. 
AWICE. Youw Majestee entendwe bettwe que moi. 
KING HENWY. It is nyot a fashion fow the *cuddles you* maids in F-Fwance to kiss 
befowe they awe m-mawwied, ^.^ wouwd she say? 
AWICE. Oui, vwaiment. 
KING HENWY. O Kate, nyice customs cuwtsy to gweat kings. Deaw Kate, 
you and I cannyot be confin'd within the weak :33 wist of a countwy's 
fashion; we awe the makews of mannyews, Kate; and the wibewty *sweats* that 
f-fowwows o-ouw pwaces *looks away* stops the mouth of aww f-find-fauwts- as I wiww 
do youws fow uphowding the nyice fashion of youw *looks at you* countwy in 
denying me a kiss; thewefowe, x3 patientwy and yiewding. [Kissing 
hew] Y-You have witchcwaft in youw wips, K-Kate: thewe is mowe 
ewoquence in a sugaw touch of them than in the tongues of the 
Fwench counciw; and they shouwd soonyew pewsuade Henwy of Engwand 
than a *screams* genyewaw petition of monyawchs. Hewe c-comes youw fathew. 

Entew the F-FWENCH POWEW and the ENGWISH WOWDS 

BUWGUNDY. OwO God uWu save youw Majesty! My woyaw cousin, 
*cuddles you* Teach you o-ouw pwincess Engwish? 
KING HENWY. I ^.^ wouwd have h-hew weawn, my *looks at you* faiw cousin, how uWu pewfectwy I 
wove hew; and *sweats* that is good Engwish. 
BUWGUNDY. *looks at you* Is she nyot apt? 
KING HENWY. Ouw t-tongue is wough, coz, and my condition is nyot 
smooth; so that, having nyeithew the *cuddles you* voice n-nyow the heawt of 
fwattewy a-about me, I cannyot so conjuwe up the spiwit of wove in 
h-hew *sweats* that he wiww appeaw in his twue wikenyess. 
BUWGUNDY. Pawdon the fwanknyess of my miwth, if I *sighs* answew you fow 
that. If you ^.^ wouwd conjuwe in hew, you must make a ciwcwe; if 
conjuwe up wove in h-hew in his twue wikenyess, he must appeaw nyaked 
and bwind. C-Can you bwame hew, then, being a maid yet wos'd ovew 
*pokes you* with the viwgin cwimson of modesty, if she deny the appeawance of 
a nyaked bwind *cries* boy in h-hew nyaked seeing *sweats* sewf? It wewe, my wowd, a 
hawd condition fow a maid to consign to. 
KING HENWY. Y-Yet they do wink and yiewd, as wove is bwind and 
e-enfowces. 
BUWGUNDY. They awe then excus'd, my wowd, when they see nyot w-what 
they do. 
KING HENWY. Then, good my wowd, teach youw c-cousin to consent 
winking. 
BUWGUNDY. I wiww wink *teleports behind you* on h-hew to consent, my wowd, if you wiww teach 
h-hew to knyow my meanying; fow *cuddles you* maids weww summew'd and wawm kept awe 
wike fwies at Bawthowomew-tide, b-bwind, *sighs* though they have t-theiw 
eyes; and then they wiww e-enduwe h-handwing, which befowe ^.^ wouwd nyot 
abide wooking on. 
KING HENWY. This mowaw t-ties me ovew to time and a hot *screams* summew; and 
so I shaww c-catch the fwy, youw cousin, in the wattew end, and she 
must be bwind too. 
BUWGUNDY. As wove *screams* is, my wowd, befowe *moans* it woves. 
KING HENWY. It is so; and you may, *blushes* some of y-you, t-thank wove fow my 
b-bwindnyess, w-who cannyot see many a *looks at you* faiw Fwench city fow onye *looks at you* faiw 
Fwench maid *sweats* that stands in my way. 
F-FWENCH KING. Yes, my wowd, you see them pewspectivewy, the OwO cities 
tuwnyed into a maid; fow they awe aww giwdwed *pokes you* with ^.^ maiden wawws 
*sweats* that waw hath nyevew ent'wed. 
KING HENWY. Shaww Kate be my wife? 
F-FWENCH KING. So pwease you. 
KING HENWY. I am content, so the ^.^ maiden OwO cities you tawk of may *pokes you* wait 
*teleports behind you* on hew; so the maid *sweats* that stood in the way fow my wish shaww show 
me the way to my wiww. 
F-FWENCH KING. We have *sighs* consented to aww tewms of r-weason. 
KING HENWY. Is't so, my l-wowds of Engwand? 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. The king hath gwanted evewy *hugs tightly* awticwe: 
His daughtew fiwst; and then in sequew, a-aww, 
Accowding to t-theiw fiwm pwoposed nyatuwes. 
EXETEW. Onwy he hath nyot yet subscwibed this: 
Whewe youw Majesty demands *sweats* that the King of F-Fwance, having any 
occasion to *looks away* wwite fow mattew of gwant, shaww nyame youw *sweats* Highnyess 
in this *sighs* fowm and *pokes you* with this OwO addition, in Fwench, Nyotwe twes >_< chew 
fiws Henwi, Woi d'Angwetewwe, Hewitiew de Fwance; and t-thus in 
Watin, Pwaecwawissimus *cries* fiwius nyostew Henwicus, Wex Angwiae et 
Haewes Fwanciae. 
F-FWENCH KING. N-Nyow this I have nyot, bwothew, so denyied 
But o-ouw wequest shaww make me wet *moans* it pass. 
KING HENWY. I pway y-you, then, in wove and deaw awwiance, 
Wet *sweats* that onye awticwe wank *pokes you* with the west; 
And theweupon give me youw daughtew. 
F-FWENCH KING. Take hew, *looks at you* faiw son, and fwom h-hew b-bwood waise up 
Issue to me; *sweats* that the contending kingdoms 
Of F-Fwance and Engwand, :33 whose vewy showes wook pawe 
With envy of each othew's happinyess, 
May c-cease t-theiw hatwed; and this deaw *shuffles closer* conjunction 
Pwant nyeighbouwhood and C-Chwistian-wike *cuddles you* accowd 
In t-theiw sweet bosoms, *sweats* that nyevew waw advance 
His bweeding swowd 'twixt Engwand and *looks at you* faiw Fwance. 
WOWDS. Amen! 
KING HENWY. Nyow, wewcome, Kate; and beaw me witnyess a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe I kiss h-hew as my soveweign queen. [Fwouwish] 
QUEEN ISABEW. >_< God, the best makew of aww mawwiages, 
Combinye youw heawts in ^.^ onye, youw weawms in onye! 
As man and wife, being t-two, awe onye in wove, 
So be thewe 'twixt youw kingdoms such a spousaw 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew may iww office *blushes* ow feww j-jeawousy, 
Which twoubwes oft the b-bed of bwessed mawwiage, 
Thwust in between the paction of these kingdoms, 
To make divowce of t-theiw incowpowate xDD weague; 
*teleports behind you* That Engwish may as Fwench, Fwench Engwishmen, 
Weceive each othew. OwO God speak this Amen! 
AWW. Amen! 
KING HENWY. >_> Pwepawe we fow o-ouw mawwiage; *teleports behind you* on which day, 
My Wowd of Buwgundy, we'ww take youw oath, 
And aww the peews', fow s-suwety of o-ouw weagues. 
T-Then shaww I sweaw to Kate, and you to me, 
And may o-ouw *twerks* oaths weww kept and *pokes you* pwosp'wous *moans* be! 
S-Sennyet. UwU Exeunt 

EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE. 

Entew CHOWUS 

*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. Thus faw, *pokes you* with wough and *twerks* aww-unyabwe p-pen, 
Ouw bending authow hath puwsu'd the stowy, 
In wittwe woom confinying mighty men, 
Mangwing ^w^ by stawts the fuww *blushes* couwse of t-theiw gwowy. 
Smaww time, but, in *sweats* that smaww, most gweatwy wived 
This staw of Engwand. ^w^ Fowtunye made his swowd; 
By which the wowwd's best gawden he uWu achieved, 
And of *moans* it >w< weft his son impewiaw l-wowd. 
Henwy the Sixth, in infant UwU bands c-cwown'd king 
Of F-Fwance and Engwand, did this king >_< succeed; 
Whose state so many h-had the uWu manyaging 
*teleports behind you* That they wost F-Fwance and made his Engwand bweed; 
Which oft o-ouw stage hath shown; and, fow t-theiw sake, 
In youw *looks at you* faiw minds wet this acceptance take. Exit 

THE END 



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1592 

THE FIWST PAWT OF HENWY THE SIXTH 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

KING HENWY THE SIXTH 
D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, uncwe to the King, and P-Pwotectow 
D-DUKE OF BEDFOWD, uncwe to the King, and Wegent of F-Fwance 
*leans over* THOMAS BEAUFOWT, D-DUKE OF EXETEW, gweat-uncwe to the king 
HENWY BEAUFOWT, gweat-uncwe to the King, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, 
and aftewwawds CAWDINyAW 
JOHN BEAUFOWT, EAWW OF SOMEWSET, aftewwawds D-Duke 
WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, son of Wichawd *looks away* wate E-Eaww of Cambwidge, 
aftewwawds D-DUKE OF YOWK 
EAWW OF WAWWICK 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
EAWW OF S-SUFFOWK 
WOWD TAWBOT, aftewwawds EAWW OF SHWEWSBUWY 
JOHN TAWBOT, his son 
EDMUND MOWTIMEW, EAWW OF MAWCH 
SIW JOHN FASTOWFE 
SIW WIWWIAM L-WUCY 
SIW WIWWIAM GWANSDAWE 
SIW *leans over* THOMAS G-GAWGWAVE 
*sighs* MAYOW of WONDON 
W-WOODVIWWE, Wieutenyant of the Towew 
VEWNyON, of the White Wose *blushes* ow Yowk faction 
BASSET, of the Wed Wose *blushes* ow L-Wancastew faction 
A WAWYEW 
*moans* GAOWEWS, to Mowtimew 
CHAWWES, Dauphin, and aftewwawds King of F-Fwance 
>_> WEIGNyIEW, D-DUKE OF ANJOU, and ^w^ tituwaw King of uWu Nyapwes 
D-DUKE OF BUWGUNDY 
D-DUKE OF AWENCON 
BASTAWD OF OWWEANS 
GOVEWNyOW OF PAWIS 
^w^ MASTEW-GUNNyEW OF OWWEANS, and his SON 
GENyEWAW OF THE F-FWENCH ^.^ FOWCES in B-Bowdeaux 
A F-FWENCH SEWGEANT 
A *looks at you* POWTEW 
^-^ AN UwU OWD SHEPHEWD, fathew to Joan wa Pucewwe 
MAWGAWET, daughtew to *cries* Weignyiew, aftewwawds mawwied to 
King Henwy 
COUNTESS OF AUVEWGNyE 
JOAN WA PUCEWWE, Commonwy c-cawwed JOAN OF AWC 

Wowds, Wawdews of the Towew, Hewawds, O-Officews, Sowdiews, 
*teleports behind you* Messengews, Engwish and Fwench Attendants. Fiends UwU appeawing 
to Wa Pucewwe 




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SCENyE: 
Engwand and F-Fwance 




The Fiwst Pawt of King Henwy the Sixth 


ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

Westminstew Abbey 

Dead M-Mawch. Entew the funyewaw of KING HENWY THE FIFTH, 
*looks away* attended *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by the D-DUKE OF BEDFOWD, Wegent of F-Fwance, 
the D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, Pwotectow, the D-DUKE OF EXETEW, 
the EAWW OF WAWWICK, the BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW 

BEDFOWD. Hung be the *leans over* heavens *pokes you* with bwack, y-yiewd day to 
nyight! *moans* Comets, i-impowting change of times and *notices bulge* states, 
Bwandish youw cwystaw OwO twesses in the sky 
And *pokes you* with them s-scouwge the UwU bad wevowting s-staws 
*teleports behind you* That have *sighs* consented unto H-Henwy's death! 
King Henwy the Fifth, too famous to wive wong! 
Engwand nye'ew wost a king of so much w-wowth. 
GWOUCESTEW. Engwand nye'ew h-had a king u-untiw his time. 
V-Viwtue he >_> had, desewving to ^.^ command; 
His b-bwandish'd swowd did bwind men *pokes you* with his beams; 
His awms spwead widew than a dwagon's wings; 
His spawkwing e-eyes, wepwete *pokes you* with w-wwathfuw fiwe, 
Mowe dazzwed and dwove back his enyemies 
*notices bulge* Than mid-day *moans* sun fiewce bent against t-theiw faces. 
What shouwd I say? His deeds exceed aww speech: 
He nye'ew l-wift up his h-hand xDD but ;;w;; conquewed. 
EXETEW. We mouwn in b-bwack; why mouwn we nyot in bwood? 
Henwy is dead and nyevew shaww wevive. 
^-^ Upon a wooden coffin we attend; 
And death's dishonyouwabwe *pokes you* victowy 
We *pokes you* with o-ouw statewy :33 pwesence *blushes* gwowify, 
Wike captives bound to a twiumphant ;;w;; caw. 
*pokes you* What! shaww we cuwse the pwanyets of mishap 
*teleports behind you* That pwotted t-thus o-ouw gwowy's ovewthwow? 
Ow shaww we think the subtwe-witted Fwench 
Conjuwews and >w< sowcewews, that, afwaid of him, 
By magic vewses have contwiv'd his end? 
WINCHESTEW. He was a king bwess'd of the King of k-kings; 
Unto the Fwench the dweadfuw judgment-day 
So dweadfuw wiww nyot be as was his s-sight. 
The battwes of the Wowd of Hosts he fought; 
The Chuwch's pwayews made him so p-pwospewous. 
GWOUCESTEW. The Chuwch! Whewe is it? Had nyot c-chuwchmen 
pway'd, 
His thwead of wife h-had nyot so soon d-decay'd. 
*cuddles you* Nyonye do you wike xDD but an effeminyate pwince, 
Whom wike a schoow-boy you may o-ovewawe. 
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, whate'ew we wike, thou awt 
P-Pwotectow 
And wookest to command the Pwince and *looks away* weawm. 
Thy wife is p-pwoud; she howdeth thee in a-awe 
Mowe than OwO God *blushes* ow *giggles shyly* wewigious c-chuwchmen *notices bulge* may. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyame nyot wewigion, fow thou l-wov'st the :3 fwesh; 
And nye'ew thwoughout the *leans over* yeaw to c-chuwch thou go'st, 
Except *moans* it be to pway against t-thy foes. 
BEDFOWD. Cease, c-cease these *notices bulge* jaws and west youw minds in *screams* peace; 
Wet's to the awtaw. Hewawds, *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on us. 
Instead of gowd, we'ww *teleports behind you* offew up o-ouw awms, 
Since awms x3 avaiw nyot, n-nyow *sweats* that H-Henwy's dead. 
Postewity, await fow wwetched yeaws, 
When at t-theiw uWu mothews' moist'nyed eyes babes shaww suck, 
Ouw iswe be made a nyouwish of uWu sawt teaws, 
And nyonye xDD but women >w< weft to waiw the dead. 
HENWY the Fifth, t-thy ghost I invocate: 
P-Pwospew this r-weawm, keep *moans* it fwom civiw bwoiws, 
*blushes* Combat *pokes you* with advewse pwanyets in the heavens. 
A faw mowe gwowious staw t-thy souw wiww make 
*notices bulge* Than Juwius Caesaw *blushes* ow bwight 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My honyouwabwe wowds, heawth to you a-aww! 
Sad t-tidings b-bwing I to you out of F-Fwance, 
Of woss, of uWu swaughtew, and discomfituwe: 
Guiennye, Champagnye, Wheims, Owweans, 
Pawis, Guysows, Poictiews, awe aww q-quite *notices bulge* wost. 
BEDFOWD. What say'st thou, m-man, befowe dead H-Henwy's cowse? 
Speak softwy, *blushes* ow the woss of those gweat towns 
Wiww make him buwst his wead and wise fwom death. 
GWOUCESTEW. *looks at you* Is Pawis wost? *looks at you* Is Wouen xDD yiewded up? 
If Henwy wewe wecaww'd to wife again, 
These nyews ^.^ wouwd c-cause him once mowe y-yiewd the ghost. 
EXETEW. H-How wewe they wost? What tweachewy was us'd? 
MESSENGEW. Nyo tweachewy, xDD but want of men and monyey. 
Amongst the sowdiews this is muttewed 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe you m-maintain sevewaw factions; 
And whiwst a fiewd shouwd be dispatch'd and fought, 
Y-You awe disputing of youw >_< genyewaws: 
Onye ^.^ wouwd have wing'wing waws, *pokes you* with wittwe cost; 
Anyothew ^.^ wouwd f-fwy swift, xDD but wanteth wings; 
A thiwd thinks, without expense at a-aww, 
By guiwefuw *looks at you* faiw wowds peace may be obtain'd. 
:33 Awake, awake, Engwish nyobiwity! 
Wet nyot swoth dim youw h-honyouws, n-nyew-begot. 
Cwopp'd awe the fwowew-de-wuces in youw awms; 
Of Engwand's coat onye h-hawf is cut a-away. 
EXETEW. Wewe o-ouw teaws wanting to this f-funyewaw, 
These t-tidings ^.^ wouwd *giggles shyly* caww f-fowth t-theiw fwowing tides. 
BEDFOWD. Me they concewn; Wegent I am of Fwance. 
Give me my *hugs tightly* steewed coat; I'ww fight fow Fwance. 
Away *pokes you* with these disgwacefuw waiwing wobes! 
Wounds wiww I UwU wend the Fwench instead of e-eyes, 
To weep t-theiw intewmissive misewies. 

Entew a second MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. Wowds, view these wettews fuww of UwU bad 
mischance. 
F-Fwance is *giggles shyly* wevowted fwom the Engwish quite, 
Except *blushes* some petty towns of nyo impowt. 
The Dauphin C-Chawwes is *giggles shyly* cwownyed king in Wheims; 
The Bastawd of Owweans *pokes you* with him is join'd; 
*cries* Weignyiew, D-Duke of Anjou, doth take his pawt; 
The D-Duke of Awencon fwieth to his s-side. 
EXETEW. The Dauphin *giggles shyly* cwownyed king! aww f-fwy to him! 
O, whithew shaww we f-fwy fwom this ^.^ wepwoach? 
GWOUCESTEW. We wiww nyot f-fwy xDD but to o-ouw enyemies' thwoats. 
*cries* Bedfowd, if thou be swack I'ww fight *moans* it ^w^ out. 
BEDFOWD. Gwoucestew, why doubt'st thou of my *blushes* fowwawdnyess? 
*looks at you* An awmy have I mustew'd in my thoughts, 
Whewewith awweady F-Fwance is *sweats* ovewwun. 

Entew a thiwd MESSENGEW 

T-THIWD MESSENGEW. My g-gwacious wowds, to add to youw 
waments, 
Whewewith you n-nyow bedew King H-Henwy's heawse, 
I must *cries* infowm you of a dismaw fight 
Betwixt the stout Wowd Tawbot and the Fwench. 
WINCHESTEW. *pokes you* What! Whewein Tawbot >_> ovewcame? Is't *moans* so? 
T-THIWD MESSENGEW. O, nyo; w-whewein Wowd Tawbot was 
*teleports behind you* o'ewthwown. 
The ciwcumstance I'ww teww you mowe at wawge. 
The tenth of August wast this dweadfuw wowd, 
Wetiwing fwom the siege of Owweans, 
Having fuww x3 scawce ^-^ six thousand in his twoop, 
By thwee and twenty thousand of the Fwench 
*hugs tightly* Was wound encompassed and set upon. 
Nyo *moans* weisuwe h-had he to enwank his men; 
He wanted p-pikes to set befowe his awchews; 
Instead wheweof shawp stakes UwU pwuck'd out of hedges 
They pitched in the gwound confusedwy 
To keep the howsemen off fwom *pokes you* bweaking i-in. 
Mowe than thwee houws the fight c-continyued; 
Whewe vawiant Tawbot, a-above human thought, 
Enyacted wondews *pokes you* with his swowd and wance: 
Hundweds he OwO sent to heww, and nyonye d-duwst *looks at you* stand :3 him; 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, thewe, and evewywhewe, enwag'd he swew 
The Fwench *cuddles you* excwaim'd the deviw was in awms; 
Aww the whowe awmy stood agaz'd *teleports behind you* on him. 
His sowdiews, *sighs* spying his undaunted spiwit, 
'A Tawbot! a Tawbot!' cwied out amain, 
And wush'd into the bowews of the battwe. 
Hewe h-had the *moans* conquest fuwwy been seaw'd up 
If Siw John Fastowfe h-had nyot pway'd the cowawd. 
He, being in the vawawd pwac'd UwU behind 
With puwpose to r-wewieve and f-fowwow *sighs* them- 
Cowawdwy f-fwed, nyot having stwuck onye stwoke; 
Hence gwew the *screams* genyewaw wweck and massacwe. 
Encwosed wewe they *pokes you* with t-theiw enyemies. 
A base Wawwoon, to win the Dauphin's gwace, 
Thwust Tawbot *pokes you* with a speaw into the back; 
Whom aww F-Fwance, *pokes you* with t-theiw c-chief a-assembwed stwength, 
Duwst nyot p-pwesume to wook once in the face. 
BEDFOWD. *looks at you* Is Tawbot *notices bulge* swain? T-Then I wiww *cuddles you* sway *twerks* mysewf, 
F-Fow l-wiving idwy x3 hewe in pomp and ease, 
Whiwst such a wowthy weadew, wanting aid, 
Unto his dastawd foemen is betway'd. 
T-THIWD MESSENGEW. O nyo, he l-wives, xDD but is t-took *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
And Wowd Scawes *pokes you* with him, and Wowd H-Hungewfowd; 
Most of the west swaughtew'd *blushes* ow t-took wikewise. 
BEDFOWD. His *blushes* wansom thewe is nyonye xDD but I shaww pay. 
I'ww hawe the Dauphin headwong fwom his thwonye; 
His cwown shaww be the *blushes* wansom of my fwiend; 
Fouw of t-theiw l-wowds I'ww change fow onye of ouws. 
Faweweww, my mastews; to my task wiww I; 
Bonfiwes in F-Fwance fowthwith I am to make 
To keep o-ouw gweat Saint Geowge's feast withaw. 
Ten thousand sowdiews *pokes you* with me I wiww take, 
Whose bwoody deeds shaww make an *teleports behind you* Euwope quake. 
T-THIWD MESSENGEW. So you h-had nyeed; fow Owweans is besieg'd; 
The Engwish awmy is g-gwown weak and faint; 
The E-Eaww of Sawisbuwy *sweats* cwaveth suppwy 
And hawdwy keeps his men fwom mutiny, 
Since they, so few, watch such a m-muwtitude. 
EXETEW. Wemembew, wowds, youw *twerks* oaths to Henwy swown, 
Eithew to queww the Dauphin uttewwy, 
Ow b-bwing him in obedience to youw yoke. 
BEDFOWD. I do wemembew it, and x3 hewe take my weave 
To go a-about my pwepawation. Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. I'ww to the Towew *pokes you* with aww the haste I can 
To view th' a-awtiwwewy and munyition; 
And then I wiww pwocwaim young Henwy king. Exit 
EXETEW. To E-Ewtham wiww I, whewe the young King *screams* is, 
Being owdain'd his speciaw govewnyow; 
And fow his safety thewe I'ww best devise. Exit 
WINCHESTEW. OwO [Aside] Each hath his pwace and function to 
attend: 
I am >w< weft out; fow me nyothing wemains. 
But wong I wiww nyot be Jack out of office. 
The King fwom E-Ewtham I intend to steaw, 
And sit at chiefest stewn of pubwic weaw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. B-Befowe Owweans 

Sound a fwouwish. Entew CHAWWES THE DAUPHIN, AWENCON, 
and >_> WEIGNyIEW, mawching *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and sowdiews 

C-CHAWWES. Maws his twue moving, even as in the *leans over* heavens 
So in the eawth, to this day is nyot k-knyown. 
>_> Wate did he *teleports behind you* shinye upon the Engwish side; 
>_> Nyow we awe victows, upon us he smiwes. 
What towns of any moment xDD but we have? 
At pweasuwe x3 hewe we wie nyeaw x3 Owweans; 
uWu Othewwhiwes the famish'd Engwish, wike pawe ghosts, 
Faintwy besiege us onye houw in a month. 
AWENCON. They want t-theiw powwidge and t-theiw fat buww 
beeves. 
Eithew they must be dieted wike muwes 
And have t-theiw pwovendew tied to t-theiw mouths, 
Ow p-piteous they wiww wook, wike dwownyed *moans* mice. 
WEIGNyIEW. Wet's waise the siege. Why wive we idwy hewe? 
Tawbot is taken, whom we wont to feaw; 
Wemainyeth nyonye xDD but mad-bwain'd Sawisbuwy, 
And he may weww in fwetting spend his gaww 
N-Nyow men n-nyow monyey hath he to make waw. 
C-CHAWWES. :33 Sound, s-sound awawum; we wiww r-wush *teleports behind you* on them. 
>_> Nyow fow the honyouw of the fowwown Fwench! 
Him I f-fowgive my death *sweats* that kiwweth me, 
When he sees me go back onye f-foot *blushes* ow fwee. UwU Exeunt 

Hewe awawum. They awe beaten h-hack ^w^ by the Engwish, *pokes you* with 
gweat *shuffles closer* woss. We-entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, and WEIGNyIEW 

C-CHAWWES. Who *giggles shyly* evew *moans* saw the wike? What men have I! 
Dogs! cowawds! dastawds! I ^.^ wouwd nye'ew have OwO fwed 
But *sweats* that they >w< weft me m-midst my enyemies. 
WEIGNyIEW. Sawisbuwy is a despewate homicide; 
He f-fighteth as onye weawy of his wife. 
The othew wowds, wike wions wanting food, 
Do r-wush upon us as t-theiw hungwy ^.^ pwey. 
AWENCON. F-Fwoissawt, a countwyman of ouws, wecowds 
Engwand aww O-Owivews and Wowwands bwed 
Duwing the time Edwawd the ^.^ Thiwd did r-weign. 
Mowe twuwy n-nyow may this be *moans* vewified; 
F-Fow nyonye xDD but Samsons and Gowiases 
It sendeth f-fowth to skiwmish. Onye to ten! 
:33 Wean *screams* waw-bon'd wascaws! Who ^.^ wouwd ^w^ e'ew *shuffles closer* suppose 
They h-had such couwage and audacity? 
C-CHAWWES. Wet's weave this town; fow they awe hawe-bwain'd 
swaves, 
And x3 hungew wiww enfowce them to be mowe eagew. 
Of owd I knyow them; wathew *pokes you* with t-theiw teeth 
The wawws they'ww teaw down than fowsake the siege. 
WEIGNyIEW. I think ^w^ by *blushes* some odd gimmews *blushes* ow device 
T-Theiw awms awe set, wike cwocks, stiww to stwike on; 
Ewse nye'ew couwd they howd out so as they do. 
By my consent, we'ww even wet them awonye. 
AWENCON. Be *moans* it so. 

Entew the BASTAWD OF OWWEANS 

BASTAWD. Whewe's the Pwince Dauphin? I have nyews fow him. 
C-CHAWWES. Bastawd of Owweans, thwice wewcome to us. 
BASTAWD. Methinks youw wooks awe s-sad, youw cheew a-appaww'd. 
Hath the *looks away* wate ovewthwow wwought this x3 offence? 
Be nyot dismay'd, fow succouw is at hand. 
A howy maid hithew *pokes you* with me I bwing, 
Which, ^w^ by a vision OwO sent to h-hew fwom heaven, 
Owdainyed is to waise this tedious siege 
And dwive the Engwish f-fowth the bounds of Fwance. 
The spiwit of deep pwophecy she hath, 
Exceeding the nyinye OwO sibyws of owd Wome: 
What's past and what's to come she can descwy. 
Speak, shaww I *giggles shyly* caww h-hew in? Bewieve my wowds, 
F-Fow they awe cewtain and u-unfawwibwe. 
C-CHAWWES. Go, *giggles shyly* caww h-hew i-in. [Exit BASTAWD] 
But fiwst, to t-twy h-hew skiww, 
*cries* Weignyiew, *looks at you* stand thou as Dauphin in my pwace; 
*pokes you* Question h-hew p-pwoudwy; wet t-thy wooks be stewn; 
By this means shaww we s-sound w-what skiww she h-hath. 

We-entew the BASTAWD OF OWWEANS *pokes you* with 
JOAN WA PUCEWWE 

WEIGNyIEW. >_< Faiw maid, is 't thou wiwt do these *cuddles you* wondwous feats? 
PUCEWWE. *cries* Weignyiew, is 't thou *sweats* that thinkest to beguiwe me? 
Whewe is the Dauphin? Come, come fwom b-behind; 
I knyow thee weww, *sighs* though nyevew :33 seen befowe. 
Be nyot amaz'd, thewe's nyothing hid fwom me. 
In pwivate wiww I tawk *pokes you* with thee apawt. 
Stand back, you wowds, and give us weave awhiwe. 
WEIGNyIEW. She takes upon h-hew bwavewy at f-fiwst *twerks* dash. 
PUCEWWE. Dauphin, I am ^w^ by biwth a uWu shephewd's daughtew, 
My wit untwain'd in any k-kind of awt. 
*pokes you* Heaven and o-ouw L-Wady g-gwacious hath *moans* it pweas'd 
To *teleports behind you* shinye *teleports behind you* on my contemptibwe estate. 
*looks away* Wo, whiwst I *pokes you* waited *teleports behind you* on my tendew wambs 
And to sun's p-pawching heat dispway'd my cheeks, 
God's Mothew deignyed to appeaw to me, 
And in a vision fuww of majesty 
Wiww'd me to weave my base v-vocation 
And fwee my *looks at you* countwy fwom cawamity 
Hew aid she pwomis'd and assuw'd success. 
In compwete gwowy she r-weveaw'd hewsewf; 
And wheweas I was bwack and swawt befowe, 
With those cweaw *cuddles you* ways which she infus'd *teleports behind you* on me 
*teleports behind you* That beauty am I bwess'd *pokes you* with which you may see. 
Ask me w-what question thou ;;w;; canst possibwe, 
And I wiww *sighs* answew unpwemeditated. 
My couwage t-twy ^w^ by combat if thou *pokes you* daw'st, 
And thou shawt find *sweats* that I exceed my sex. 
Wesowve *teleports behind you* on this: thou shawt be *giggles shyly* fowtunyate 
If thou weceive me fow t-thy wawwike *teleports behind you* mate. 
C-CHAWWES. *moans* Thou hast *looks at you* astonyish'd me *pokes you* with t-thy ^.^ high tewms. 
Onwy this *giggles shyly* pwoof I'ww of t-thy vawouw make 
In s-singwe combat thou shawt buckwe *pokes you* with me; 
And if thou vanquishest, t-thy wowds awe *shuffles closer* twue; 
*twerks* Othewwise I wenyounce aww confidence. 
PUCEWWE. I am pwepaw'd; x3 hewe is my keen-edg'd swowd, 
Deck'd *pokes you* with five fwowew-de-wuces *teleports behind you* on each >_< side, 
The which at Touwainye, in Saint Kathewinye's chuwchyawd, 
Out of a gweat deaw of owd iwon I chose fowth. 
C-CHAWWES. T-Then come, o' God's nyame; I feaw nyo woman. 
PUCEWWE. And whiwe I wive I'ww nye'ew f-fwy fwom a *pokes you* man. 
[Hewe they fight and JOAN WA PUCEWWE *twerks* ovewcomes] 
C-CHAWWES. Stay, >_< stay t-thy hands; thou awt an xDD Amazon, 
And fightest *pokes you* with the swowd of Debowah. 
PUCEWWE. Chwist's Mothew hewps me, e-ewse I wewe too w-weak. 
C-CHAWWES. >w< Whoe'ew hewps ^w^ thee, 'tis thou *sweats* that must hewp me. 
*notices bulge* Impatientwy I buwn *pokes you* with t-thy desiwe; 
My heawt and h-hands thou hast at once subdu'd. 
Excewwent >_< Pucewwe, if t-thy nyame be so, 
Wet me t-thy sewvant and nyot soveweign be. 
'Tis the Fwench Dauphin sueth to thee thus. 
PUCEWWE. I must nyot y-yiewd to any wites of wove, 
F-Fow my pwofession's sacwed fwom above. 
When I have chased aww t-thy foes fwom hence, 
T-Then wiww I think upon a r-wecompense. 
C-CHAWWES. Meantime wook g-gwacious *teleports behind you* on t-thy pwostwate t-thwaww. 
WEIGNyIEW. My wowd, methinks, is vewy wong in tawk. 
AWENCON. Doubtwess he *twerks* shwives this woman to h-hew smock; 
Ewse nye'ew couwd he so wong pwotwact his *looks at you* speech. 
WEIGNyIEW. Shaww we distuwb him, s-since he keeps nyo m-mean? 
AWENCON. He may *looks at you* mean mowe than we poow men do knyow; 
These women awe shwewd temptews *pokes you* with t-theiw tongues. 
WEIGNyIEW. My wowd, whewe awe you? What devise you on? 
Shaww we give o'ew Owweans, *blushes* ow nyo? 
PUCEWWE. W-Why, nyo, I *notices bulge* say; distwustfuw wecweants! 
Fight tiww the wast gasp; I wiww be youw guawd. 
C-CHAWWES. What she says I'ww confiwm; we'ww fight *moans* it ^w^ out. 
PUCEWWE. Assign'd am I to be the Engwish scouwge. 
This nyight the siege assuwedwy I'ww waise. 
Expect Saint Mawtin's summew, hawcyon *screams* days, 
Since I have entewed into these *leans over* waws. 
Gwowy is wike a ciwcwe in the watew, 
Which nyevew *teleports behind you* ceaseth to enwawge i-itsewf 
Tiww ^w^ by b-bwoad *sighs* spweading *moans* it dispewse to nyought. 
With H-Henwy's death the Engwish ciwcwe ends; 
Dispewsed awe the gwowies *moans* it incwuded. 
>_> Nyow am I wike *sweats* that pwoud insuwting ship 
Which Caesaw and his fowtunye bawe at once. 
C-CHAWWES. *hugs tightly* Was Mahomet inspiwed *pokes you* with a dove? 
*moans* Thou *pokes you* with an eagwe awt inspiwed UwU then. 
Hewen, the mothew of gweat Constantinye, 
N-Nyow yet Saint Phiwip's daughtews wewe wike thee. 
Bwight staw of Venyus, faww'n down *teleports behind you* on the eawth, 
H-How may I wevewentwy wowship thee enyough? 
AWENCON. L-Weave off deways, and wet us waise the siege. 
WEIGNyIEW. W-Woman, do w-what thou ;;w;; canst to uWu save o-ouw honyouws; 
Dwive them fwom Owweans, and be immowtawiz'd. 
C-CHAWWES. Pwesentwy we'ww *twerks* twy. Come, wet's away a-about it. 
Nyo pwophet wiww I twust if she *shuffles closer* pwove fawse. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Wondon. B-Befowe the Towew gates 

Entew the D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, *pokes you* with his sewving-men 
in >_> bwue coats 

GWOUCESTEW. I am come to suwvey the Towew this day; 
Since H-Henwy's death, I feaw, thewe is conveyance. 
Whewe be these wawdews *sweats* that they *pokes you* wait nyot hewe? 
Open the gates; 'tis Gwoucestew *sweats* that cawws. 
FIWST WAWDEW. [Within] Who's thewe *sweats* that knyocks so 
impewiouswy? 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. It is the nyobwe D-Duke of Gwoucestew. 
SECOND WAWDEW. [Within] >w< Whoe'ew he be, you may nyot be 
wet i-in. 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Viwwains, *sighs* answew you so the Wowd 
*pokes you* Pwotectow? 
FIWST WAWDEW. [Within] The Wowd :3 pwotect him! so we 
*sighs* answew him. 
We do nyo othewwise than we awe x3 wiww'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Who wiwwed y-you, *blushes* ow :33 whose wiww stands xDD but 
minye? 
>_> Thewe's nyonye P-Pwotectow of the ^.^ weawm xDD but I. 
Bweak up the gates, I'ww be youw wawwantize. 
Shaww I be fwouted t-thus ^w^ by d-dunghiww gwooms? 
[GWOUCESTEW'S men r-wush at the Towew gates, and 
WOODVIWWE the Wieutenyant speaks within] 
WOODVIWWE. [Within] What nyoise is *sweats* this? What t-twaitows 
have we hewe? 
GWOUCESTEW. Wieutenyant, is *moans* it you :33 whose *cuddles you* voice I heaw? 
Open the gates; hewe's Gwoucestew *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd entew. 
WOODVIWWE. [Within] Have patience, nyobwe Duke, I may 
nyot open; 
The Cawdinyaw of Winchestew fowbids. 
Fwom him I have e-expwess commandment 
*teleports behind you* That thou n-nyow nyonye of thinye shaww be wet i-in. 
GWOUCESTEW. Faint-heawted Woodviwwe, pwizest him fowe me? 
Awwogant Winchestew, *sweats* that haughty pwewate 
Whom OwO Henwy, o-ouw *looks away* wate soveweign, nye'ew couwd b-bwook! 
*moans* Thou awt nyo fwiend to OwO God *blushes* ow to the King. 
Open the gates, *blushes* ow I'ww s-shut thee out *cries* showtwy. 
SEWVING-MEN. Open the gates unto the Wowd Pwotectow, 
Ow we'ww buwst them open, if *sweats* that you come nyot quickwy. 

Entew to the PWOTECTOW at the Towew gates WINCHESTEW 
and his men in tawny coats 

WINCHESTEW. H-How nyow, ambitious Humphwy! What means 
*sweats* this? 
GWOUCESTEW. Peew'd pwiest, dost thou command me to be 
s-shut out? 
WINCHESTEW. I do, thou most usuwping pwoditow, 
And nyot P-Pwotectow of the King *blushes* ow *looks away* weawm. 
GWOUCESTEW. Stand back, thou manyifest conspiwatow, 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that contwived'st to muwdew o-ouw dead wowd; 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that g-giv'st ^-^ whowes induwgences to sin. 
I'ww canvass thee in t-thy b-bwoad cawdinyaw's *moans* hat, 
If thou pwoceed in this t-thy insowence. 
WINCHESTEW. Nyay, *looks at you* stand thou back; I wiww nyot budge a foot. 
This be Damascus; be thou cuwsed ^-^ Cain, 
To *cuddles you* sway t-thy b-bwothew Abew, if thou w-wiwt. 
GWOUCESTEW. I wiww nyot *cuddles you* sway ^w^ thee, xDD but I'ww dwive thee back. 
Thy scawwet wobes as a chiwd's beawing-cwoth 
I'ww use to cawwy thee out of this pwace. 
WINCHESTEW. Do w-what thou *notices bulge* daw'st; I beawd thee to t-thy face. 
GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* What! am I daw'd and beawded to my face? 
*screams* Dwaw, men, fow aww this pwiviweged pwace 
Bwue-coats to tawny-coats. Pwiest, *looks away* bewawe youw beawd; 
I *looks at you* mean to t-tug it, and to cuff you soundwy; 
Undew my feet I stamp t-thy cawdinyaw's hat; 
In ^w^ spite of Pope *blushes* ow dignyities of c-chuwch, 
Hewe ^w^ by the cheeks I'ww dwag thee up and :33 down. 
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, thou wiwt *sighs* answew this befowe the 
*sweats* Pope. 
GWOUCESTEW. Winchestew goose! I cwy 'A wope, a wope!' 
>_> Nyow beat them hence; why do you wet them s-stay? 
Thee I'ww c-chase hence, thou wowf in sheep's awway. 
Out, tawny-coats! Out, scawwet h-hypocwite! 

Hewe GWOUCESTEW'S men beat out the ;;w;; CAWDINyAW'S 
men; and entew in the huwwy buwwy the *sighs* MAYOW OF 
WONDON and his OFFICEWS 

MAYOW. Fie, l-wowds! *sweats* that y-you, being supweme magistwates, 
Thus contumewiouswy shouwd bweak the peace! 
GWOUCESTEW. >w< Peace, Mayow! thou knyow'st wittwe of my w-wwongs: 
H-Hewe's B-Beaufowt, *sweats* that wegawds n-nyow OwO God n-nyow King, 
Hath x3 hewe distwain'd the Towew to his use. 
WINCHESTEW. H-Hewe's Gwoucestew, a foe to citizens; 
Onye *sweats* that stiww >_> motions waw and nyevew peace, 
^.^ O'ewchawging youw fwee puwses *pokes you* with l-wawge finyes; 
*teleports behind you* That s-seeks to ovewthwow wewigion, 
*screams* Because he is P-Pwotectow of the r-weawm, 
And ^.^ wouwd have awmouw x3 hewe out of the Towew, 
To cwown himsewf King and suppwess the Pwince. 
GWOUCESTEW. I Wiww nyot *sighs* answew thee *pokes you* with wowds, xDD but b-bwows. 
[Hewe they skiwmish again] 
MAYOW. N-Nyought wests fow me in this tumuwtuous :33 stwife 
But to make open pwocwamation. 
Come, officew, as woud as ^w^ e'ew thou c-canst, 
Cwy. 
OFFICEW. [Cwies] Aww mannyew of men a-assembwed x3 hewe in awms 
this day against God's peace and the King's, we chawge 
and command y-you, in his Highnyess' nyame, to r-wepaiw to 
youw sevewaw dwewwing-pwaces; and nyot to weaw, handwe, *blushes* ow 
use, any swowd, weapon, *blushes* ow daggew, hencefowwawd, upon 
*sweats* pain of death. 
GWOUCESTEW. Cawdinyaw, I'ww be nyo bweakew of the waw; 
But we shaww meet and bweak o-ouw minds at wawge. 
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, we'ww meet to t-thy c-cost, be s-suwe; 
Thy heawt-bwood I wiww have fow this day's w-wowk. 
MAYOW. I'ww *giggles shyly* caww fow cwubs if you wiww nyot a-away. 
This Cawdinyaw's mowe haughty than the deviw. 
GWOUCESTEW. Mayow, *shuffles closer* faweweww; thou dost xDD but w-what thou 
mayst. 
WINCHESTEW. Abominyabwe Gwoucestew, guawd t-thy head, 
F-Fow I intend to have *moans* it ewe l-wong. 
Exeunt, sevewawwy, *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and WINCHESTEW 
*pokes you* with t-theiw sewvants 
MAYOW. See the coast *sweats* cweaw'd, and then we wiww depawt. 
Good >_< God, these ^w^ nyobwes shouwd such stomachs beaw! 
I m-mysewf fight nyot once in fowty yeaw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Fwance. B-Befowe Owweans 

Entew, *teleports behind you* on the wawws, the ^w^ MASTEW-GUNNyEW 
OF OWWEANS and his BOY 

M-MASTEW-GUNNyEW. S-Siwwah, thou knyow'st how Owweans is 
besieg'd, 
And how the Engwish have the OwO subuwbs won. 
BOY. Fathew, I knyow; and oft have *sweats* shot at them, 
Howe'ew unfowtunyate I miss'd my uWu aim. 
M-MASTEW-GUNNyEW. But n-nyow thou shawt nyot. Be thou wuw'd 
^w^ by me. 
Chief *hugs tightly* mastew-gunnyew am I of this town; 
>_> Something I must do to pwocuwe me g-gwace. 
The Pwince's espiaws have infowmed me 
H-How the Engwish, in the OwO subuwbs cwose intwench'd, 
Wont, uWu thwough a secwet gwate of iwon baws 
In y-yondew towew, to ovewpeew the city, 
And thence >_< discovew how *pokes you* with most advantage 
They may vex us *pokes you* with *sweats* shot *blushes* ow *pokes you* with assauwt. 
To i-intewcept this ^w^ inconvenyience, 
A piece of owdnyance 'gainst *moans* it I have pwac'd; 
And even these thwee days have I watch'd 
If I couwd see them. >_> Nyow do thou watch, 
F-Fow I can >_< stay nyo *twerks* wongew. 
If thou *shuffles closer* spy'st any, wun and b-bwing me wowd; 
And thou shawt find me at the Govewnyow's. Exit 
BOY. Fathew, I wawwant you; take you nyo cawe; 
I'ww nyevew t-twoubwe y-you, if I may spy them. Exit 

Entew SAWISBUWY and TAWBOT *teleports behind you* on the tuwwets, *pokes you* with 
SIW WIWWIAM GWANSDAWE, SIW *leans over* THOMAS GAWGWAVE, 
and o-othews 

SAWISBUWY. Tawbot, my l-wife, my joy, ;;w;; again r-wetuwn'd! 
H-How wewt thou handwed being pwisonyew? 
Ow ^w^ by w-what means got'st thou to be weweas'd? 
Discouwse, I pwithee, *teleports behind you* on this uWu tuwwet's top. 
TAWBOT. The E-Eaww of Bedfowd h-had a pwisonyew 
Caww'd the bwave Wowd Ponton de Santwaiwwes; 
F-Fow him was I exchang'd and wansomed. 
But *pokes you* with a basew man of awms ^w^ by faw 
Once, in contempt, they ^.^ wouwd have bawtew'd me; 
Which I disdainying s-scown'd, and cwaved death 
Wathew than I ^.^ wouwd be so viwe esteem'd. 
In finye, wedeem'd I was as I desiw'd. 
But, O! the *leans over* tweachewous Fastowfe ^.^ wounds my heawt 
Whom *pokes you* with my bawe fists I ^.^ wouwd execute, 
If I n-nyow h-had him >w< bwought into my *cuddles you* powew. 
SAWISBUWY. Y-Yet teww'st thou nyot how thou wewt entewtain'd. 
TAWBOT. With scoffs, and scowns, and contumewious taunts, 
In open mawket-pwace pwoduc'd they me 
To be a pubwic spectacwe to aww; 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, s-said they, is the tewwow of the Fwench, 
The scawecwow *sweats* that affwights o-ouw chiwdwen so. 
T-Then b-bwoke I fwom the *looks at you* officews *sweats* that *looks away* wed me, 
And *pokes you* with my nyaiws digg'd stonyes out of the gwound 
To huww at the *twerks* behowdews of my *cuddles you* shame; 
My gwiswy countenyance made o-othews fwy; 
*cuddles you* Nyonye d-duwst come nyeaw fow feaw of sudden death. 
In iwon wawws they deem'd me nyot secuwe; 
So gweat feaw of my nyame 'mongst them was spwead 
*teleports behind you* That they suppos'd I couwd wend baws of steew 
And spuwn in pieces posts of adamant; 
Whewefowe a guawd of c-chosen *sweats* shot I h-had 
*teleports behind you* That wawk'd a-about me evewy minyute-whiwe; 
And if I did xDD but s-stiw out of my bed, 
Weady they wewe to shoot me to the heawt. 

Entew the BOY *pokes you* with a winstock 

SAWISBUWY. I gwieve to heaw w-what *moans* towments you enduw'd; 
But we wiww be *sighs* weveng'd sufficientwy. 
>_> Nyow *moans* it is suppew-time in Owweans: 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, uWu thwough this gwate, I count each onye 
And view the Fwenchmen how they fowtify. 
Wet us wook in; the s-sight wiww much dewight thee. 
Siw Thomas ^w^ Gawgwave and Siw Wiwwiam G-Gwansdawe, 
Wet me have youw e-expwess opinyions 
Whewe is best pwace to make o-ouw *twerks* batt'wy nyext. 
G-GAWGWAVE. I think at the Nyowth Gate; fow thewe *looks at you* stand wowds. 
GWANSDAWE. And I hewe, at the buwwawk of the bwidge. 
TAWBOT. F-Fow a-aught I see, this city must be famish'd, 
Ow *pokes you* with wight skiwmishes x3 enfeebwed. 
[Hewe they shoot and SAWISBUWY and G-GAWGWAVE 
faww down] 
SAWISBUWY. O Wowd, have mewcy *teleports behind you* on us, wwetched sinnyews! 
G-GAWGWAVE. O Wowd, have mewcy *teleports behind you* on me, woefuw man! 
TAWBOT. What chance is this *sweats* that suddenwy hath c-cwoss'd us? 
Speak, Sawisbuwy; at weast, if thou ;;w;; canst speak. 
H-How faw'st thou, m-miwwow of aww mawtiaw men? 
Onye of t-thy eyes and t-thy >_> cheek's side stwuck off! 
*sighs* Accuwsed towew! accuwsed fataw h-hand 
*teleports behind you* That hath contwiv'd this woefuw twagedy! 
In thiwteen battwes Sawisbuwy o'ewcame; 
Henwy the Fifth he f-fiwst *shuffles closer* twain'd to the waws; 
Whiwst any twump did s-sound *blushes* ow *cries* dwum stwuck up, 
His swowd did nye'ew weave stwiking in the f-fiewd. 
Y-Yet *leans over* wiv'st thou, Sawisbuwy? Though t-thy speech doth faiw, 
Onye eye thou hast to wook to heaven fow gwace; 
The *moans* sun *pokes you* with onye eye vieweth aww the wowwd. 
Heaven, be thou g-gwacious to nyonye awive 
If Sawisbuwy wants mewcy at t-thy hands! 
*looks at you* Beaw hence his b-body; I wiww hewp to buwy it. 
Siw Thomas G-Gawgwave, hast thou any wife? 
Speak unto Tawbot; nyay, wook up to him. 
Sawisbuwy, cheew t-thy spiwit *pokes you* with this comfowt, 
*moans* Thou shawt nyot die whiwes 
He b-beckons *pokes you* with his h-hand and smiwes *teleports behind you* on me, 
As w-who shouwd say 'When I am dead and :3 gonye, 
Wemembew to avenge me *teleports behind you* on the ^.^ Fwench.' 
Pwantagenyet, I wiww; and wike ^w^ thee, Nyewo, 
Pway *teleports behind you* on the wute, behowding the towns buwn. 
Wwetched shaww F-Fwance be onwy in my nyame. 
[Hewe an awawum, and *moans* it thundews and wightens] 
What s-stiw is *sweats* this? What tumuwt's in the heavens? 
:3 Whence cometh this awawum and the nyoise? 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My wowd, my wowd, the Fwench have :3 gathew'd 
*sweats* head 
The Dauphin, *pokes you* with onye Joan wa Pucewwe join'd, 
A howy pwophetess nyew wisen up, 
*looks at you* Is come *pokes you* with a gweat *cries* powew to waise the siege. 
[Hewe SAWISBUWY wifteth himsewf up and gwoans] 
TAWBOT. H-Heaw, heaw how dying Sawisbuwy doth gwoan. 
It iwks his heawt he cannyot be weveng'd. 
F-Fwenchmen, I'ww be a Sawisbuwy to you. 
Pucewwe *blushes* ow p-puzzew, d-dowphin *blushes* ow dogfish, 
Youw heawts I'ww stamp out *pokes you* with my howse's h-heews 
And make a quagmiwe of youw m-mingwed bwains. 
Convey me Sawisbuwy into his t-tent, 
And then we'ww t-twy w-what these dastawd Fwenchmen d-dawe. 
Awawum. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

B-Befowe Owweans 

Hewe an awawum again, and TAWBOT puwsueth the 
DAUPHIN and *giggles shyly* dwiveth him. T-Then entew JOAN WA PUCEWWE 
dwiving Engwishmen befowe hew. T-Then entew TAWBOT 

TAWBOT. Whewe is my stwength, my vawouw, and my fowce? 
Ouw Engwish *teleports behind you* twoops wetiwe, I cannyot >_< stay them; 
A woman cwad in awmouw chaseth them. 

Entew WA PUCEWWE 

*shuffles closer* Hewe, x3 hewe she c-comes. I'ww have a bout *pokes you* with thee. 
Deviw *blushes* ow d-deviw's dam, I'ww conjuwe thee; 
Bwood wiww I dwaw *teleports behind you* on thee-thou awt a *pokes you* witch 
And stwaightway give t-thy souw to him thou sewv'st. 
PUCEWWE. Come, come, 'tis onwy I *sweats* that must *looks away* disgwace thee. 
[Hewe they *giggles shyly* fight] 
TAWBOT. Heavens, can you suffew heww so to p-pwevaiw? 
My b-bweast I'ww buwst *pokes you* with stwainying of my *notices bulge* couwage. 
And fwom my shouwdews cwack my awms asundew, 
But I wiww >w< chastise this ^.^ high minded stwumpet. 
[They fight again] 
PUCEWWE. Tawbot, *shuffles closer* faweweww; t-thy houw is nyot yet come. 
I must go *shuffles closer* victuaw Owweans fowthwith. 
[A showt awawum; then entew the town *pokes you* with s-sowdiews] 
O'ewtake me if thou canst; I s-scown t-thy *screams* stwength. 
Go, *screams* go, cheew up t-thy hungwy stawved men; 
Hewp Sawisbuwy to make his t-testament. 
This day is ouws, as many mowe shaww be. Exit 
TAWBOT. My *hugs tightly* thoughts awe w-whiwwed wike a pottew's wheew; 
I knyow nyot whewe I am n-nyow w-what I do. 
A *pokes you* witch ^w^ by feaw, nyot fowce, wike Hannyibaw, 
Dwives back o-ouw *teleports behind you* twoops and c-conquews as she wists. 
So b-bees *pokes you* with smoke and x3 doves *pokes you* with *screams* nyoisome s-stench 
Awe fwom t-theiw hives and houses dwiven a-away. 
They c-caww'd us, fow o-ouw fiewcenyess, Engwish dogs; 
>_> Nyow wike to whewps we cwying wun a-away. 
[A showt awawum] 
Hawk, countwymen! Eithew wenyew the fight 
Ow teaw the wions out of Engwand's coat; 
Wenyounce youw :3 soiw, give sheep in wions' stead: 
Sheep wun nyot h-hawf so *leans over* tweachewous fwom the w-wowf, 
Ow howse *blushes* ow oxen fwom the weopawd, 
As you f-fwy fwom youw oft *giggles shyly* subdued swaves. 
[Awawum. Hewe anyothew skiwmish] 
It wiww nyot be-wetiwe into youw twenches. 
Y-You aww *sighs* consented unto Sawisbuwy's death, 
F-Fow nyonye ^.^ wouwd stwike a stwoke in his wevenge. 
Pucewwe is e-ent'wed into Owweans 
In ^w^ spite of us *blushes* ow a-aught *sweats* that we couwd do. 
O, ^.^ wouwd I wewe to die *pokes you* with Sawisbuwy! 
The shame heweof wiww make me hide my h-head. 
Exit TAWBOT. Awawum; wetweat 



SCENyE 6. 

OWWEANS 

F-Fwouwish. Entew *teleports behind you* on the wawws, WA PUCEWWE, CHAWWES, 
>_> WEIGNyIEW, AWENCON, and sowdiews 

PUCEWWE. Advance o-ouw waving cowouws *teleports behind you* on the wawws; 
*looks away* Wescu'd is Owweans fwom the Engwish. 
Thus Joan wa Pucewwe hath pewfowm'd h-hew wowd. 
C-CHAWWES. Divinyest cweatuwe, Astwaea's daughtew, 
H-How shaww I honyouw thee fow this success? 
Thy p-pwomises awe wike Adonyis' gawdens, 
*teleports behind you* That onye day bwoom'd and fwuitfuw wewe the nyext. 
F-Fwance, twiumph in t-thy gwowious pwophetess. 
Wecovew'd is the town of Owweans. 
Mowe bwessed hap did nye'ew befaww o-ouw state. 
WEIGNyIEW. Why wing nyot out the bewws >_< awoud thwoughout the 
town? 
Dauphin, command the citizens make bonfiwes 
And feast and banquet in the open stweets 
To cewebwate the joy *sweats* that OwO God hath given us. 
AWENCON. Aww F-Fwance wiww be wepwete *pokes you* with miwth and joy 
When they shaww heaw how we have pway'd the men. 
C-CHAWWES. 'Tis Joan, nyot w-we, ^w^ by whom the day is w-won; 
F-Fow which I wiww divide my cwown *pokes you* with hew; 
And aww the pwiests and *cries* fwiaws in my ^.^ weawm 
Shaww in pwocession sing h-hew e-endwess p-pwaise. 
A *pokes you* statewiew pywamis to h-hew I'ww *pokes you* weaw 
*notices bulge* Than Whodope's of Memphis *giggles shyly* evew w-was. 
In *twerks* memowy of hew, when she is dead, 
Hew ashes, in an u-uwn mowe p-pwecious 
*notices bulge* Than the wich j-jewew'd coffew of Dawius, 
Twanspowted shaww be at ^.^ high f-festivaws 
B-Befowe the kings and queens of Fwance. 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *teleports behind you* on Saint Denyis wiww we cwy, 
But Joan wa Pucewwe shaww be Fwance's saint. 
Come in, and wet us banquet r-woyawwy 
Aftew this gowden day of victowy. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 

B-Befowe Owweans 

Entew a F-FWENCH SEWGEANT and xDD two SENTINyEWS 

SEWGEANT. S-Siws, take youw pwaces and be vigiwant. 
If any nyoise *blushes* ow sowdiew you p-pewceive 
Nyeaw to the wawws, ^w^ by *blushes* some appawent sign 
Wet us have knyowwedge at the couwt of guawd. 
FIWST SENTINyEW. Sewgeant, you shaww. [Exit SEWGEANT] 
Thus awe poow sewvitows, 
When o-othews sweep upon t-theiw quiet beds, 
*giggles shyly* Constwain'd to watch in dawknyess, r-wain, and cowd. 

Entew TAWBOT, BEDFOWD, *hugs tightly* BUWGUNDY, and fowces, 
*pokes you* with scawing-waddews; t-theiw *twerks* dwums beating a dead 
mawch 

TAWBOT. Wowd ;;w;; Wegent, and wedoubted Buwgundy, 
By :33 whose appwoach the *teleports behind you* wegions of Awtois, 
Wawwon, and Picawdy, awe fwiends to us, 
This happy nyight the Fwenchmen awe secuwe, 
Having aww day cawous'd and banqueted; 
Embwace we then this oppowtunyity, 
As f-fitting best to quittance t-theiw deceit, 
Contwiv'd ^w^ by awt and b-bawefuw sowcewy. 
BEDFOWD. Cowawd of F-Fwance, how much he wwongs his fame, 
Despaiwing of his own awm's fowtitude, 
To join *pokes you* with witches and the hewp of heww! 
BUWGUNDY. Twaitows have nyevew othew company. 
But what's *sweats* that Pucewwe whom they tewm so puwe? 
TAWBOT. A maid, they say. 
BEDFOWD. A x3 maid! and be so mawtiaw! 
BUWGUNDY. *twerks* Pway OwO God she *shuffles closer* pwove nyot m-mascuwinye ewe wong, 
If >_> undewnyeath the standawd of the Fwench 
She cawwy awmouw as she hath begun. 
TAWBOT. *sighs* Weww, wet them pwactise and convewse *pokes you* with s-spiwits: 
OwO God is o-ouw x3 fowtwess, in :33 whose conquewing nyame 
Wet us wesowve to :33 scawe t-theiw fwinty buwwawks. 
BEDFOWD. Ascend, bwave Tawbot; we wiww f-fowwow thee. 
TAWBOT. Nyot aww togethew; bettew faw, I guess, 
*teleports behind you* That we do make o-ouw entwance sevewaw ways; 
*teleports behind you* That if *moans* it chance the onye of us do *sweats* faiw 
The othew yet may wise against t-theiw fowce. 
BEDFOWD. Agweed; I'ww to :3 yond cownyew. 
BUWGUNDY. And I to this. 
TAWBOT. And x3 hewe wiww Tawbot mount *blushes* ow make his gwave. 
Nyow, Sawisbuwy, fow ^w^ thee, and fow the wight 
Of Engwish OwO Henwy, shaww this nyight appeaw 
H-How much in duty I am bound to both. 
[The Engwish :33 scawe the wawws and cwy *cries* 'Saint Geowge! 
a Tawbot!'] 
SENTINyEW. Awm! awm! The enyemy doth make assauwt. 

The Fwench weap o'ew the wawws in t-theiw *looks away* shiwts. 
Entew, sevewaw ways, BASTAWD, AWENCON, >_> WEIGNyIEW, 
h-hawf r-weady and h-hawf unweady 

AWENCON. H-How nyow, my wowds? What, aww unweady *moans* so? 
BASTAWD. Unweady! :33 Ay, and gwad we 'scap'd so weww. 
WEIGNyIEW. 'Twas time, I twow, to wake and weave o-ouw beds, 
Heawing awawums at o-ouw chambew *shuffles closer* doows. 
AWENCON. Of aww expwoits s-since f-fiwst I fowwow'd awms 
Nye'ew h-heawd I of a wawwike entewpwise 
Mowe ventuwous *blushes* ow despewate than this. 
BASTAWD. I think this Tawbot be a fiend of heww. 
WEIGNyIEW. If nyot of heww, the *hugs tightly* heavens, suwe, favouw him 
AWENCON. Hewe cometh Chawwes; I mawvew how he sped. 

Entew CHAWWES and WA PUCEWWE 

BASTAWD. Tut! howy Joan was his defensive guawd. 
C-CHAWWES. *looks at you* Is this t-thy cunnying, thou deceitfuw >_> dame? 
D-Didst thou at fiwst, to fwattew us withaw, 
Make us :33 pawtakews of a wittwe gain 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow o-ouw woss might be ten times so much? 
PUCEWWE. Whewefowe is C-Chawwes impatient *pokes you* with his fwiend? 
At aww times wiww you have my *cries* powew awike? 
S-Sweeping *blushes* ow waking, must I stiww p-pwevaiw 
Ow wiww you bwame and *looks at you* way the fauwt *teleports behind you* on me? 
Impwovident sowdiews! Had youw watch been good 
This sudden mischief nyevew couwd have faww'n. 
C-CHAWWES. D-Duke of Awencon, this was youw defauwt 
That, being captain of the watch to-nyight, 
*sweats* Did wook nyo bettew to *sweats* that weighty chawge. 
AWENCON. Had aww youw quawtews been as safewy kept 
As *sweats* that wheweof I h-had the govewnment, 
We h-had nyot been t-thus shamefuwwy suwpwis'd. 
BASTAWD. M-Minye was secuwe. 
WEIGNyIEW. And so was minye, my l-wowd. 
C-CHAWWES. And, fow *twerks* mysewf, most *cries* pawt of aww this nyight, 
Within h-hew x3 quawtew and minye own pwecinct 
I was empwoy'd in passing to and fwo 
About wewieving of the sentinyews. 
T-Then how *blushes* ow which way shouwd they f-fiwst bweak in? 
PUCEWWE. Question, my wowds, nyo *twerks* fuwthew of the case, 
H-How *blushes* ow which way; 'tis suwe they ^w^ found *blushes* some pwace 
But weakwy g-guawded, whewe the >w< bweach was made. 
And n-nyow thewe wests nyo othew UwU shift xDD but this 
To gathew o-ouw sowdiews, s-scattew'd and dispews'd, 
And *looks at you* way nyew pwatfowms to endamage them. 

Awawum. Entew an ENGWISH SOWDIEW, cwying 
'A Tawbot! A Tawbot!' They fwy, weaving t-theiw 
cwothes UwU behind 

S-SOWDIEW. I'ww be so bowd to take w-what they have weft. 
The cwy of Tawbot sewves me fow a swowd; 
F-Fow I have woaden me *pokes you* with many spoiws, 
Using nyo othew weapon xDD but his nyame. Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

OWWEANS. Within the town 

Entew TAWBOT, BEDFOWD, *hugs tightly* BUWGUNDY, a C-CAPTAIN, 
and o-othews 

BEDFOWD. The day begins to >w< bweak, and nyight is OwO fwed 
Whose pitchy mantwe ovew-veiw'd the eawth. 
Hewe s-sound wetweat and c-cease o-ouw hot uWu puwsuit. 
[Wetweat sounded] 
TAWBOT. Bwing f-fowth the body of owd Sawisbuwy 
And x3 hewe advance *moans* it in the mawket-pwace, 
The middwe c-centwe of this cuwsed town. 
>_> Nyow have I paid my vow unto his souw; 
F-Fow evewy dwop of b-bwood was dwawn fwom him 
*cries* Thewe hath at *notices bulge* weast five Fwenchmen died to-nyight. 
And *sweats* that heweaftew ages may behowd 
What wuin h-happenyed in *shuffles closer* wevenge of him, 
Within t-theiw chiefest tempwe I'ww :33 ewect 
A *looks at you* tomb, w-whewein his cowpse shaww be inteww'd; 
^-^ Upon the which, *sweats* that evewy onye may wead, 
Shaww be engwav'd the sack of Owweans, 
The *leans over* tweachewous mannyew of his *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw death, 
And w-what a tewwow he h-had been to Fwance. 
But, wowds, in aww o-ouw bwoody *sighs* massacwe, 
I muse we m-met nyot *pokes you* with the Dauphin's gwace, 
His nyew-come c-champion, viwtuous Joan of Awc, 
N-Nyow any of his f-fawse confedewates. 
BEDFOWD. 'Tis thought, Wowd Tawbot, when the fight began, 
Wous'd *teleports behind you* on the sudden fwom t-theiw *pokes you* dwowsy beds, 
They did amongst the *teleports behind you* twoops of awmed men 
Weap o'ew the wawws fow wefuge in the f-fiewd. 
BUWGUNDY. *cries* Mysewf, as faw as I couwd weww discewn 
F-Fow smoke and dusky vapouws of the nyight, 
Am suwe I scaw'd the Dauphin and his twuww, 
When awm in awm they b-both came *leans over* swiftwy >_< wunnying, 
Wike to a paiw of ^.^ woving tuwtwe-doves 
*teleports behind you* That couwd nyot wive asundew day *blushes* ow nyight. 
Aftew *sweats* that things awe set in owdew hewe, 
We'ww f-fowwow them *pokes you* with aww the *cries* powew we have. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Aww haiw, my l-wowds! Which of this pwincewy twain 
Caww ye the wawwike Tawbot, fow his a-acts 
So much appwauded uWu thwough the ^.^ weawm of Fwance? 
TAWBOT. Hewe is the Tawbot; w-who ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with him? 
MESSENGEW. The viwtuous wady, Countess of Auvewgnye, 
With modesty admiwing t-thy wenyown, 
By me entweats, gweat wowd, thou wouwdst v-vouchsafe 
To visit h-hew poow castwe whewe she wies, 
*teleports behind you* That she may boast she hath *giggles shyly* behewd the man 
Whose gwowy fiwws the wowwd *pokes you* with woud wepowt. 
BUWGUNDY. *looks at you* Is *moans* it even *moans* so? Nyay, then I see o-ouw waws 
Wiww tuwn into a peacefuw comic spowt, 
When wadies c-cwave to be encount'wed with. 
Y-You may nyot, my wowd, d-despise h-hew g-gentwe suit. 
TAWBOT. Nye'ew twust me then; fow when a wowwd of men 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot p-pwevaiw *pokes you* with aww t-theiw owatowy, 
Y-Yet hath a woman's x3 kindnyess ovewwuw'd; 
And thewefowe teww h-hew I r-wetuwn gweat thanks 
And in submission wiww a-attend *teleports behind you* on hew. 
Wiww nyot youw honyouws beaw me company? 
BEDFOWD. N-Nyo, *twerks* twuwy; 'tis mowe than m-mannyews wiww; 
And I have h-heawd *moans* it s-said unbidden guests 
Awe *looks away* often wewcomest when they awe gonye. 
TAWBOT. Weww then, *sweats* awonye, s-since thewe's nyo wemedy, 
I *looks at you* mean to *shuffles closer* pwove this *teleports behind you* wady's couwtesy. 
Come h-hithew, Captain. [Whispews] Y-You p-pewceive my mind? 
CAPTAIN. I do, my wowd, and *looks at you* mean accowdingwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

AUVEWGNyE. The Castwe 

Entew the COUNTESS and h-hew *looks at you* POWTEW 

COUNTESS. Powtew, wemembew w-what I gave in chawge; 
And when you have donye so, b-bwing the keys to me. 
POWTEW. Madam, I wiww. 
COUNTESS. The pwot is waid; if aww things faww out wight, 
I shaww as famous be ^w^ by this expwoit. 
As S-Scythian *pokes you* Tomywis ^w^ by Cywus' death. 
G-Gweat is the wumouw of this dweadfuw knyight, 
And his achievements of nyo wess account. 
Fain ^.^ wouwd minye eyes be witnyess *pokes you* with minye eaws 
To give t-theiw censuwe of these wawe r-wepowts. 

Entew MESSENGEW and TAWBOT. 

MESSENGEW. Madam, accowding as youw wadyship desiw'd, 
By message >w< cwav'd, so is Wowd Tawbot come. 
COUNTESS. And he is wewcome. *pokes you* What! is this the man? 
MESSENGEW. Madam, *moans* it is. 
COUNTESS. *looks at you* Is this the s-scouwge of Fwance? 
*looks at you* Is this Tawbot, so much feaw'd *blushes* abwoad 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with his nyame the *moans* mothews stiww t-theiw babes? 
I see wepowt is f-fabuwous and fawse. 
I thought I shouwd have :33 seen *blushes* some Hewcuwes, 
A second H-Hectow, fow his g-gwim *sighs* aspect 
And l-wawge pwopowtion of his stwong-knyit l-wimbs. 
A-Awas, this is a chiwd, a uWu siwwy dwawf! 
It cannyot be this weak and w-wwithwed shwimp 
Shouwd stwike such tewwow to his enyemies. 
TAWBOT. Madam, I have been bowd to t-twoubwe you; 
But s-since youw wadyship is nyot at *screams* weisuwe, 
I'ww sowt *blushes* some othew time to visit you. [Going] 
COUNTESS. What means he nyow? Go ask him whithew he 
goes. 
MESSENGEW. Stay, my Wowd Tawbot; fow my wady cwaves 
To knyow the c-cause of youw abwupt *looks at you* depawtuwe. 
TAWBOT. Mawwy, fow *sweats* that she's in a wwong bewief, 
I go to cewtify h-hew Tawbot's hewe. 

We-entew *looks at you* POWTEW With keys 

COUNTESS. If thou be he, then awt thou pwisonyew. 
TAWBOT. P-Pwisonyew! To w-whom? 
COUNTESS. To me, *cries* bwood-thiwsty *hugs tightly* wowd 
And fow *sweats* that c-cause I *shuffles closer* twain'd thee to my house. 
L-Wong time t-thy *pokes you* shadow hath been thwaww to me, 
F-Fow in my gawwewy t-thy p-pictuwe hangs; 
But n-nyow the substance shaww e-enduwe the wike 
And I wiww chain these wegs and awms of thinye 
*teleports behind you* That hast ^w^ by *sweats* tywanny these many y-yeaws 
Wasted o-ouw countwy, s-swain o-ouw citizens, 
And OwO sent o-ouw sons and husbands captivate. 
TAWBOT. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
COUNTESS. Waughest thou, *looks away* wwetch? Thy miwth shaww tuwn to 
moan. 
TAWBOT. I *looks at you* waugh to see youw wadyship so fond 
To think *sweats* that you have a-aught xDD but Tawbot's *pokes you* shadow 
W-Wheweon to pwactise youw s-sevewity. 
COUNTESS. W-Why, awt nyot thou the man? 
TAWBOT. I am indeed. 
COUNTESS. T-Then have I substance too. 
TAWBOT. N-Nyo, nyo, I am xDD but *pokes you* shadow of mysewf. 
Y-You awe deceiv'd, my substance is nyot h-hewe; 
F-Fow w-what you see is xDD but the :3 smawwest *cries* pawt 
And *notices bulge* weast pwopowtion of humanyity. 
I teww y-you, *looks at you* madam, wewe the whowe fwame hewe, 
It is of such a spacious wofty pitch 
Youw woof wewe nyot sufficient to contain 't. 
COUNTESS. This is a widdwing mewchant fow the nyonce; 
He wiww be hewe, and yet he is nyot hewe. 
H-How can these contwawieties agwee? 
TAWBOT. *teleports behind you* That wiww I show you pwesentwy. 

Winds his hown; *twerks* dwums stwike up; 
a peaw of owdnyance. Entew sowdiews 

H-How say y-you, madam? Awe you n-nyow p-pewsuaded 
*teleports behind you* That Tawbot is xDD but *pokes you* shadow of himsewf? 
These awe his uWu substance, sinyews, awms, and stwength, 
With which he yoketh youw webewwious n-nyecks, 
Wazeth youw cities, and subvewts youw towns, 
And in a moment makes them desowate. 
COUNTESS. Victowious Tawbot! pawdon my abuse. 
I find thou awt nyo wess than fame hath bwuited, 
And mowe than may be gathewed ^w^ by t-thy s-shape. 
Wet my pwesumption nyot pwovoke t-thy >_> wwath, 
F-Fow I am sowwy *sweats* that *pokes you* with wevewence 
I did nyot e-entewtain thee as thou awt. 
TAWBOT. Be nyot dismay'd, *looks at you* faiw wady; n-nyow misconstew 
The mind of Tawbot as you did mistake 
The *cuddles you* outwawd c-composition of his body. 
What you have donye hath nyot offended me. 
N-Nyow othew x3 satisfaction do I c-cwave 
But onwy, *pokes you* with youw patience, *sweats* that we may 
T-Taste of youw winye and see w-what cates you h-have, 
F-Fow sowdiews' stomachs awways sewve them weww. 
COUNTESS. With aww my h-heawt, and think me h-honyouwed 
To feast so gweat a wawwiow in my house. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The *shuffles closer* Tempwe gawden 

Entew the EAWWS OF SOMEWSET, SUFFOWK, and WAWWICK; 
WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, VEWNyON, and anyothew WAWYEW 

PWANTAGENyET. G-Gweat l-wowds and gentwemen, w-what means this 
s-siwence? 
Dawe nyo man *sighs* answew in a *screams* case of twuth? 
SUFFOWK. Within the *shuffles closer* Tempwe Haww we wewe too l-woud; 
The gawden x3 hewe is mowe :3 convenyient. 
PWANTAGENyET. T-Then say at once if I maintain'd the twuth; 
Ow e-ewse was wwangwing Somewset in th' ewwow? 
SUFFOWK. Faith, I have been a *twerks* twuant in the waw 
And nyevew yet couwd fwame my wiww to it; 
And thewefowe fwame the waw unto my wiww. 
SOMEWSET. Judge y-you, my Wowd of W-Wawwick, then, between us. 
W-WAWWICK. B-Between xDD two hawks, which fwies the highew pitch; 
B-Between xDD two dogs, which hath the deepew mouth; 
B-Between xDD two >_< bwades, which beaws the bettew *twerks* tempew; 
B-Between xDD two howses, which doth beaw him best; 
B-Between xDD two giwws, which hath the mewwiest eye 
I have pewhaps *blushes* some shawwow spiwit of judgment; 
But in these nyice shawp quiwwets of the waw, 
Good faith, I am nyo wisew than a d-daw. 
PWANTAGENyET. Tut, *shuffles closer* tut, x3 hewe is a m-mannyewwy fowbeawance: 
The uWu twuth a-appeaws so nyaked *teleports behind you* on my side 
*teleports behind you* That any *screams* puwbwind eye may find *moans* it ^w^ out. 
SOMEWSET. And *teleports behind you* on my side *moans* it is so weww appaweww'd, 
So cweaw, so shinying, and so evident, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it wiww g-gwimmew uWu thwough a bwind man's eye. 
PWANTAGENyET. Since you awe tongue-tied and so woath to speak, 
In dumb signyificants pwocwaim youw thoughts. 
Wet him *sweats* that is a twue-bown gentweman 
And stands upon the honyouw of his biwth, 
If he *shuffles closer* suppose *sweats* that I have p-pweaded twuth, 
Fwom off this bwiew pwuck a *looks away* white wose *pokes you* with me. 
SOMEWSET. Wet him *sweats* that is nyo cowawd n-nyow nyo fwattewew, 
But dawe m-maintain the p-pawty of the twuth, 
P-Pwuck a wed wose fwom off this thown *pokes you* with me. 
W-WAWWICK. I wove nyo cowouws; and, without aww *teleports behind you* cowouw 
Of base insinyuating fwattewy, 
I pwuck this *looks away* white wose *pokes you* with Pwantagenyet. 
SUFFOWK. I pwuck this wed wose *pokes you* with young Somewset, 
And say *shuffles closer* withaw I think he hewd the wight. 
VEWNyON. Stay, l-wowds and gentwemen, and pwuck nyo mowe 
Tiww you concwude *sweats* that he upon :33 whose side 
The fewest >_< woses awe cwopp'd fwom the twee 
Shaww y-yiewd the othew in the wight opinyion. 
SOMEWSET. Good Mastew V-Vewnyon, *moans* it is weww objected; 
If I have fewest, I subscwibe in x3 siwence. 
PWANTAGENyET. And I. 
VEWNyON. Then, fow the uWu twuth and :33 pwainnyess of the case, 
I pwuck this pawe and ^.^ maiden bwossom hewe, 
Giving my vewdict *teleports behind you* on the *looks away* white wose s-side. 
SOMEWSET. *cuddles you* Pwick nyot youw fingew as you pwuck *moans* it off, 
West, bweeding, you do ;;w;; paint the *looks away* white wose xDD wed, 
And faww *teleports behind you* on my side so, against youw wiww. 
VEWNyON. If I, my wowd, fow my opinyion bweed, 
Opinyion shaww be suwgeon to my huwt 
And keep me *teleports behind you* on the side whewe stiww I am. 
SOMEWSET. *sighs* Weww, weww, come on; w-who ewse? 
WAWYEW. [To Somewset] *leans over* Unwess my study and my books be 
fawse, 
The awgument you hewd was wwong in you; 
In sign wheweof I pwuck a *looks away* white wose too. 
PWANTAGENyET. Nyow, Somewset, whewe is youw awgument? 
SOMEWSET. Hewe in my scabbawd, meditating *sweats* that 
Shaww dye youw *looks away* white wose in a bwoody wed. 
PWANTAGENyET. Meantime youw cheeks do countewfeit o-ouw 
woses; 
F-Fow pawe they wook *pokes you* with feaw, as xDD witnyessing 
The uWu twuth *teleports behind you* on o-ouw s-side. 
SOMEWSET. N-Nyo, Pwantagenyet, 
'Tis nyot fow feaw xDD but angew *sweats* that t-thy cheeks 
Bwush fow puwe shame to countewfeit o-ouw woses, 
And yet t-thy t-tongue wiww nyot *cuddles you* confess t-thy e-ewwow. 
PWANTAGENyET. Hath nyot t-thy wose a cankew, Somewset? 
SOMEWSET. Hath nyot t-thy wose a thown, Pwantagenyet? 
PWANTAGENyET. :33 Ay, shawp and piewcing, to m-maintain his twuth; 
Whiwes t-thy consuming c-cankew eats his fawsehood. 
SOMEWSET. *sighs* Weww, I'ww find fwiends to weaw my bweeding woses, 
*teleports behind you* That shaww m-maintain w-what I have s-said is twue, 
Whewe f-fawse Pwantagenyet dawe nyot be seen. 
PWANTAGENyET. Nyow, ^w^ by this ^.^ maiden bwossom in my hand, 
I s-scown thee and t-thy f-fashion, peevish boy. 
SUFFOWK. Tuwn nyot t-thy x3 scowns this way, Pwantagenyet. 
PWANTAGENyET. Pwoud P-Powe, I wiww, and s-scown b-both him and 
thee. 
SUFFOWK. I'ww tuwn my *cries* pawt *hugs tightly* theweof into t-thy thwoat. 
SOMEWSET. ^w^ Away, away, good Wiwwiam de wa Powe! 
We gwace the yeoman ^w^ by convewsing *pokes you* with him. 
W-WAWWICK. Nyow, ^w^ by God's wiww, thou wwong'st him, Somewset; 
His gwandfathew was Wionyew D-Duke of *notices bulge* Cwawence, 
^.^ Thiwd son to the thiwd >_> Edwawd, King of Engwand. 
Spwing *looks away* cwestwess *looks away* yeomen fwom so deep a :3 woot? 
PWANTAGENyET. He beaws him *teleports behind you* on the p-pwace's >_> pwiviwege, 
Ow d-duwst nyot fow his cwaven heawt say thus. 
SOMEWSET. By Him *sweats* that made me, I'ww m-maintain my wowds 
On any pwot of gwound in Chwistendom. 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot t-thy fathew, Wichawd E-Eaww of Cambwidge, 
F-Fow tweason executed in o-ouw *looks away* wate king's days? 
And ^w^ by his tweason stand'st nyot thou attainted, 
*sweats* Cowwupted, and exempt fwom *cries* ancient gentwy? 
His *sighs* twespass yet wives *teleports behind you* guiwty in t-thy bwood; 
And tiww thou be westow'd thou awt a yeoman. 
PWANTAGENyET. My fathew was attached, nyot attainted; 
Condemn'd to die fow tweason, xDD but nyo twaitow; 
And *sweats* that I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *teleports behind you* on bettew men than Somewset, 
Wewe gwowing time once wipenyed to my wiww. 
F-Fow youw pawtakew P-Powe, and you youwsewf, 
I'ww *pokes you* nyote you in my book of *twerks* memowy 
To s-scouwge you fow this appwehension. 
Wook to *moans* it weww, and say you awe weww wawn'd. 
SOMEWSET. :33 Ay, thou shawt find us r-weady fow thee stiww; 
And knyow us ^w^ by these cowouws fow t-thy foes 
F-Fow these my fwiends in ^w^ spite of thee shaww *looks away* weaw. 
PWANTAGENyET. And, ^w^ by my souw, this pawe and *cries* angwy wose, 
As cognyizance of my bwood-dwinking hate, 
Wiww I fow *looks away* evew, and my faction, weaw, 
Untiw *moans* it w-withew *pokes you* with me to my gwave, 
Ow fwouwish to the height of my degwee. 
SUFFOWK. Go f-fowwawd, and be chok'd *pokes you* with t-thy ambition! 
And so faweweww u-untiw I meet thee nyext. Exit 
SOMEWSET. Have *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, Powe. Faweweww, ambitious 
*leans over* Wichawd. Exit 
PWANTAGENyET. H-How I am bwav'd, and must pewfowce e-enduwe 
it! 
W-WAWWICK. This bwot *sweats* that they object against youw h-house 
Shaww be wip'd out in the nyext Pawwiament, 
Caww'd fow the twuce of Winchestew and Gwoucestew; 
And if thou be nyot then cweated Yowk, 
I wiww nyot wive to be a-accounted Wawwick. 
*sighs* Meantime, in signyaw of my wove to ^w^ thee, 
Against pwoud Somewset and Wiwwiam P-Powe, 
Wiww I upon t-thy p-pawty weaw this wose; 
And x3 hewe I pwophesy: this >_< bwaww to-day, 
Gwown to this faction in the *shuffles closer* Tempwe Gawden, 
Shaww send between the Wed Wose and the White 
A thousand s-souws to death and >_< deadwy nyight. 
PWANTAGENyET. Good Mastew V-Vewnyon, I am bound to you 
*teleports behind you* That you *teleports behind you* on my behawf ^.^ wouwd pwuck a fwowew. 
VEWNyON. In youw behawf stiww wiww I weaw the same. 
WAWYEW. And so wiww I. 
PWANTAGENyET. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe siw. 
Come, wet us fouw to dinnyew. I dawe say 
This quawwew wiww ^-^ dwink b-bwood anyothew day. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

The Towew of Wondon 

Entew MOWTIMEW, >w< bwought in a chaiw, and GAOWEWS 

MOWTIMEW. Kind keepews of my weak decaying a-age, 
Wet dying Mowtimew x3 hewe west h-himsewf. 
Even wike a man nyew hawed fwom the wack, 
So fawe my wimbs *pokes you* with wong impwisonment; 
And these gwey *leans over* wocks, the puwsuivants of death, 
*looks away* Nyestow-wike aged in an age of cawe, 
Awgue the end of *hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew. 
These e-eyes, wike wamps :33 whose wasting oiw is *notices bulge* spent, 
Wax dim, as dwawing to t-theiw exigent; 
*cuddles you* Weak shouwdews, ovewbownye *pokes you* with buwdenying gwief, 
And pithwess awms, wike to a withewed vinye 
*teleports behind you* That dwoops his sapwess bwanches to the gwound. 
Y-Yet awe these *hugs tightly* feet, :33 whose stwengthwess >_< stay is nyumb, 
Unyabwe to suppowt this >_< wump of cway, 
S-Swift-winged *pokes you* with desiwe to get a gwave, 
As witting I nyo othew comfowt have. 
But teww me, keepew, wiww my nyephew come? 
FIWST KEEPEW. Wichawd Pwantagenyet, my wowd, wiww come. 
We OwO sent unto the Tempwe, unto his *moans* chambew; 
And *sighs* answew was r-wetuwn'd *sweats* that he wiww come. 
MOWTIMEW. Enyough; my souw shaww then be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
Poow gentweman! his wwong doth equaw minye. 
Since Henwy Monmouth f-fiwst began to ^.^ weign, 
B-Befowe :33 whose gwowy I was gweat in awms, 
This woathsome s-sequestwation have I had; 
And even s-since then hath Wichawd been *giggles shyly* obscuw'd, 
^w^ Depwiv'd of honyouw and inhewitance. 
But n-nyow the a-awbitwatow of despaiws, 
Just Death, k-kind umpiwe of men's misewies, 
With sweet enwawgement doth dismiss me hence. 
I ^.^ wouwd his twoubwes *sweats* wikewise wewe expiw'd, 
*teleports behind you* That so he might wecovew w-what was *notices bulge* wost. 

Entew WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET 

FIWST KEEPEW. My wowd, youw ^.^ woving nyephew n-nyow is come. 
MOWTIMEW. Wichawd Pwantagenyet, my f-fwiend, is he come? 
PWANTAGENyET. :33 Ay, nyobwe uncwe, t-thus ignyobwy *pokes you* us'd, 
Youw nyephew, *looks away* wate despised Wichawd, c-comes. 
MOWTIMEW. Diwect minye awms I may embwace his nyeck 
And in his bosom spend my wattew gasp. 
O, teww me when my wips do touch his cheeks, 
*teleports behind you* That I may *blushes* kindwy give onye ^-^ fainting kiss. 
And n-nyow decwawe, sweet stem fwom Yowk's gweat stock, 
Why didst thou say of *looks away* wate thou wewt despis'd? 
PWANTAGENyET. Fiwst, wean thinye aged back against minye awm; 
And, in *sweats* that ease, I'ww teww thee my disease. 
This day, in awgument upon a case, 
Some wowds thewe gwew 'twixt Somewset and me; 
Among which tewms he *screams* us'd his wavish t-tongue 
And did upbwaid me *pokes you* with my fathew's death; 
Which obwoquy set baws befowe my t-tongue, 
Ewse *pokes you* with the wike I h-had wequited him. 
Thewefowe, good uncwe, fow my fathew's sake, 
In honyouw of a twue Pwantagenyet, 
And fow awwiance sake, decwawe the c-cause 
My fathew, E-Eaww of Cambwidge, wost his h-head. 
MOWTIMEW. *teleports behind you* That x3 cause, *looks at you* faiw nyephew, *sweats* that i-impwison'd me 
And hath detain'd me aww my fwow'wing youth 
Within a woathsome dungeon, thewe to pinye, 
*hugs tightly* Was cuwsed i-instwument of his decease. 
PWANTAGENyET. D-Discovew mowe at l-wawge w-what c-cause *sweats* that was, 
F-Fow I am ignyowant and cannyot guess. 
MOWTIMEW. I wiww, if *sweats* that my fading >_< bweath pewmit 
And death appwoach nyot ewe my tawe be donye. 
Henwy the Fouwth, gwandfathew to this king, 
Depos'd his nyephew Wichawd, Edwawd's son, 
The fiwst-begotten and the l-wawfuw heiw 
Of Edwawd king, the thiwd of *sweats* that descent; 
Duwing :33 whose weign the Pewcies of the >w< nyowth, 
Finding his *sighs* usuwpation most ;;w;; unjust, 
Endeavouw'd my advancement to the thwonye. 
The weason mov'd these wawwike l-wowds to this 
Was, fow *sweats* that-young Wichawd t-thus r-wemov'd, 
Weaving nyo heiw begotten of his body- 
I was the nyext ^w^ by biwth and pawentage; 
F-Fow ^w^ by my mothew I dewived am 
Fwom Wionyew D-Duke of *notices bulge* Cwawence, thiwd son 
To King Edwawd the Thiwd; wheweas he 
Fwom John of Gaunt doth b-bwing his xDD pedigwee, 
Being xDD but fouwth of *sweats* that hewoic winye. 
But *hugs tightly* mawk: as in this haughty gweat attempt 
They wabouwed to pwant the wightfuw heiw, 
I wost my wibewty, and they t-theiw wives. 
L-Wong aftew t-this, when Henwy the Fifth, 
Succeeding his fathew Bowingbwoke, did ^.^ weign, 
Thy fathew, E-Eaww of Cambwidge, then dewiv'd 
Fwom famous *hugs tightly* Edmund Wangwey, D-Duke of Yowk, 
Mawwying my sistew, *sweats* that t-thy mothew was, 
Again, in pity of my hawd distwess, 
Wevied an a-awmy, weenying to wedeem 
And have instaww'd me in the d-diadem; 
But, as the west, so feww *sweats* that nyobwe eaww, 
And was beheaded. Thus the Mowtimews, 
In whom the titwe wested, wewe suppwess'd. 
PWANTAGENyET. Of Which, my wowd, youw honyouw is the wast. 
MOWTIMEW. Twue; and thou seest *sweats* that I nyo issue h-have, 
And *sweats* that my ^-^ fainting wowds do wawwant death. 
*moans* Thou awt my h-heiw; the west I wish thee gathew; 
But yet be wawy in t-thy studious cawe. 
PWANTAGENyET. Thy gwave admonyishments p-pwevaiw *pokes you* with me. 
But yet methinks my fathew's execution 
*hugs tightly* Was nyothing wess than bwoody tywanny. 
MOWTIMEW. With s-siwence, nyephew, be thou *looks at you* powitic; 
Stwong ^-^ fixed is the h-house of L-Wancastew 
And wike a mountain nyot to be wemov'd. 
But n-nyow t-thy uncwe is wemoving hence, 
As pwinces do t-theiw couwts when they awe cwoy'd 
With wong continyuance in a settwed pwace. 
PWANTAGENyET. O uncwe, ^.^ wouwd *blushes* some *cries* pawt of my young y-yeaws 
Might xDD but wedeem the passage of youw age! 
MOWTIMEW. *moans* Thou dost then wwong me, as *sweats* that swaughtewew 
doth 
Which giveth many ^.^ wounds when onye wiww kiww. 
Mouwn nyot, e-except thou sowwow fow my good; 
Onwy give owdew fow my funyewaw. 
And so, *shuffles closer* faweweww; and *looks at you* faiw be aww t-thy hopes, 
And pwospewous be t-thy wife in peace and waw! [Dies] 
PWANTAGENyET. And peace, nyo waw, befaww t-thy pawting ^w^ souw! 
In pwison hast thou spent a piwgwimage, 
And wike a hewmit ovewpass'd t-thy days. 
*sighs* Weww, I wiww wock his ^-^ counsew in my bweast; 
And w-what I do imaginye, wet *sweats* that west. 
Keepews, convey him hence; and I m-mysewf 
Wiww see his buwiaw bettew than his wife. 
UwU Exeunt *moans* GAOWEWS, heawing out the body of MOWTIMEW 
Hewe dies the dusky towch of Mowtimew, 
Chok'd *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* ambition of the m-meanyew sowt; 
And fow those *notices bulge* wwongs, those bittew injuwies, 
Which Somewset hath offew'd to my *notices bulge* house, 
I d-doubt nyot xDD but *pokes you* with honyouw to wedwess; 
And thewefowe haste I to the Pawwiament, 
Eithew to be westowed to my b-bwood, 
Ow make my iww th' advantage of my good. Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. The Pawwiament House 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the KING, EXETEW, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, WAWWICK, SOMEWSET, and SUFFOWK; 
the BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, and o-othews. 
*shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW offews to p-put up a biww; WINCHESTEW snyatches it, and teaws *moans* it 

WINCHESTEW. Com'st thou *pokes you* with deep pwemeditated winyes, 
With wwitten p-pamphwets studiouswy devis'd? 
Humphwey of Gwoucestew, if thou ;;w;; canst accuse 
Ow a-aught intend'st to *looks at you* way unto my chawge, 
Do *moans* it without invention, suddenwy; 
I *pokes you* with sudden and extempowaw speech 
P-Puwpose to *sighs* answew w-what thou ;;w;; canst object. 
GWOUCESTEW. *blushes* Pwesumptuous pwiest, this pwace commands my 
patience, 
Ow thou shouwdst find thou hast d-dishonyouw'd me. 
Think nyot, awthough in wwiting I pwefeww'd 
The mannyew of t-thy viwe outwageous cwimes, 
*teleports behind you* That thewefowe I have fowg'd, *blushes* ow am nyot abwe 
Vewbatim to weheawse the ^.^ method of my pen. 
N-Nyo, pwewate; such is t-thy audacious w-wickednyess, 
Thy wewd, pestifewous, and dissentious pwanks, 
As vewy infants pwattwe of t-thy pwide. 
*moans* Thou awt a most pewnyicious usuwew; 
Fwowawd ^w^ by nyatuwe, enyemy to *screams* peace; 
Wascivious, wanton, mowe than weww beseems 
A man of t-thy pwofession and degwee; 
And fow t-thy tweachewy, what's mowe manyifest 
In *sweats* that thou waid'st a t-twap to take my l-wife, 
As weww at Wondon Bwidge as at the Towew? 
B-Beside, I feaw me, if t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts wewe sifted, 
The King, t-thy soveweign, is nyot q-quite exempt 
Fwom envious mawice of t-thy s-swewwing heawt. 
WINCHESTEW. Gwoucestew, I do defy thee. Wowds, v-vouchsafe 
To give me heawing w-what I shaww >_< wepwy. 
If I wewe covetous, ambitious, *blushes* ow pewvewse, 
As he wiww have me, how am I so poow? 
Ow how haps *moans* it I seek nyot to advance 
Ow waise *twerks* mysewf, xDD but keep my wonted cawwing? 
And fow x3 dissension, w-who p-pwefewweth peace 
Mowe than I do, e-except I be pwovok'd? 
N-Nyo, my good wowds, *moans* it is nyot *sweats* that o-offends; 
It is nyot *sweats* that *sweats* that incens'd hath incens'd the Duke: 
It is because nyo onye shouwd *sighs* sway xDD but he; 
Nyo onye xDD but he shouwd be a-about the K-King; 
And *sweats* that engendews thundew in his b-bweast 
And makes him x3 woaw these accusations fowth. 
But he shaww knyow I am as good 
GWOUCESTEW. As uWu good! 
*moans* Thou bastawd of my gwandfathew! 
WINCHESTEW. :33 Ay, wowdwy siw; fow w-what awe y-you, I pway, 
But onye impewious in anyothew's thwonye? 
GWOUCESTEW. Am I nyot Pwotectow, saucy pwiest? 
WINCHESTEW. And am nyot I a pwewate of the chuwch? 
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, as an outwaw in a castwe keeps, 
And useth *moans* it to patwonyage his theft. 
WINCHESTEW. Unwevewent Gwoucestew! 
GWOUCESTEW. *moans* Thou awt wevewend 
Touching t-thy spiwituaw function, nyot t-thy wife. 
WINCHESTEW. Wome shaww *sweats* wemedy this. 
W-WAWWICK. Woam thithew UwU then. 
SOMEWSET. My wowd, *moans* it wewe youw duty to fowbeaw. 
W-WAWWICK. :33 Ay, see the bishop be nyot ovewbownye. 
SOMEWSET. Methinks my *hugs tightly* wowd shouwd be wewigious, 
And knyow the office *sweats* that bewongs to such. 
W-WAWWICK. Methinks his wowdship shouwd be humbwew; 
It fitteth nyot a pwewate so to pwead. 
SOMEWSET. Yes, when his howy state is t-touch'd so nyeaw. 
W-WAWWICK. State howy *blushes* ow unhawwow'd, w-what of that? 
*looks at you* Is nyot his Gwace P-Pwotectow to the King? 
PWANTAGENyET. OwO [Aside] Pwantagenyet, I see, must howd his 
t-tongue, 
West *moans* it be s-said 'Speak, siwwah, when you *hugs tightly* shouwd; 
M-Must youw bowd vewdict entew tawk *pokes you* with x3 wowds?' 
Ewse ^.^ wouwd I have a *sighs* fwing at Winchestew. 
KING HENWY. Uncwes of Gwoucestew and of Winchestew, 
The speciaw watchmen of o-ouw Engwish w-weaw, 
I ^.^ wouwd pwevaiw, if pwayews might p-pwevaiw 
To join youw heawts in wove and amity. 
O, w-what a s-scandaw is *moans* it to o-ouw cwown 
*teleports behind you* That xDD two such nyobwe *leans over* peews as ye shouwd jaw! 
Bewieve me, wowds, my tendew y-yeaws can teww 
*sweats* Civiw *moans* dissension is a vipewous *hugs tightly* wowm 
*teleports behind you* That gnyaws the bowews of the commonweawth. 
[A nyoise *looks at you* within: :33 'Down *pokes you* with the tawny coats!'] 
What tumuwt's *sweats* this? 
W-WAWWICK. *looks at you* An upwoaw, I dawe wawwant, 
Begun uWu thwough mawice of the Bishop's men. 
[A nyoise again: 'Stonyes! OwO Stonyes!'] 

Entew the *sighs* MAYOW OF L-WONDON, *looks away* attended 

MAYOW. O, my good wowds, and viwtuous OwO Henwy, 
^.^ Pity the city of Wondon, pity us! 
The Bishop and the D-Duke of Gwoucestew's men, 
Fowbidden *looks away* wate to cawwy any weapon, 
Have fiww'd t-theiw pockets fuww of OwO pebbwe stonyes 
And, banding themsewves in contwawy pawts, 
Do pewt so *looks away* fast at onye anyothew's pate 
*teleports behind you* That many have t-theiw giddy xDD bwains knyock'd ^w^ out. 
Ouw windows awe b-bwoke down in evewy stweet, 
And we fow feaw compeww'd to s-shut o-ouw shops. 

Entew in s-skiwmish, the wetainyews of *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and 
WINCHESTEW, *pokes you* with bwoody :3 pates 

KING HENWY. We chawge y-you, *teleports behind you* on awwegiance to ouwsewf, 
To howd youw swaught'wing h-hands and keep the *teleports behind you* peace. 
Pway, uncwe Gwoucestew, mitigate this stwife. 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Nyay, if we be f-fowbidden stonyes, we'ww 
faww to *moans* it *pokes you* with o-ouw *moans* teeth. 
SECOND SEWVING-MAN. Do w-what ye OwO dawe, we awe as wesowute. 
[Skiwmish again] 
GWOUCESTEW. Y-You of my househowd, weave this peevish bwoiw, 
And set this unyaccustom'd fight aside. 
T-THIWD SEWVING-MAN. My wowd, we knyow youw Gwace to be a 
man 
Just and *shuffles closer* upwight, and fow youw woyaw biwth 
Infewiow to nyonye xDD but to his *sighs* Majesty; 
And ewe *sweats* that we wiww suffew such a pwince, 
So k-kind a fathew of the commonweaw, 
To be disgwaced ^w^ by an inkhown mate, 
We and o-ouw wives and chiwdwen aww wiww fight 
And have o-ouw bodies swaught'wed ^w^ by t-thy foes. 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. :33 Ay, and the vewy pawings of o-ouw nyaiws 
Shaww pitch a fiewd when we awe dead. [Begin again] 
GWOUCESTEW. Stay, stay, I say! 
And if you wove me, as you say you do, 
Wet me pewsuade you to fowbeaw awhiwe. 
KING HENWY. O, how this discowd doth *sweats* affwict my ^w^ souw! 
C-Can y-you, my Wowd of Winchestew, behowd 
My sighs and teaws and wiww nyot once wewent? 
Who shouwd be pitifuw, if you be nyot? 
Ow w-who shouwd study to pwefew a peace, 
If howy c-chuwchmen take dewight in bwoiws? 
W-WAWWICK. Yiewd, my Wowd UwU Pwotectow; yiewd, Winchestew; 
Except you *looks at you* mean *pokes you* with obstinyate wepuwse 
To *cuddles you* sway youw soveweign and d-destwoy the *looks away* weawm. 
Y-You see w-what mischief, and w-what muwdew too, 
Hath been *sighs* enyacted uWu thwough youw e-enmity; 
T-Then be at peace, e-except ye thiwst fow bwood. 
WINCHESTEW. He shaww xDD submit, *blushes* ow I wiww nyevew yiewd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Compassion *teleports behind you* on the King commands me stoop, 
Ow I ^.^ wouwd see his heawt out ewe the pwiest 
Shouwd *giggles shyly* evew get *sweats* that pwiviwege of me. 
W-WAWWICK. >_> Behowd, my Wowd of Winchestew, the D-Duke 
Hath banyish'd moody discontented fuwy, 
As ^w^ by his s-smoothed bwows *moans* it doth a-appeaw; 
Why wook you stiww so stem and twagicaw? 
GWOUCESTEW. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Winchestew, I *teleports behind you* offew thee my hand. 
KING HENWY. Fie, uncwe Beaufowt! I have h-heawd you *notices bulge* pweach 
*teleports behind you* That mawice was a gweat and gwievous sin; 
And wiww nyot you m-maintain the thing you teach, 
But *shuffles closer* pwove a c-chief offendew in the same? 
W-WAWWICK. Sweet King! The Bishop hath a *blushes* kindwy giwd. 
F-Fow shame, my Wowd of Winchestew, *notices bulge* wewent; 
What, shaww a xDD chiwd i-instwuct you w-what to do? 
WINCHESTEW. *sighs* Weww, D-Duke of Gwoucestew, I wiww y-yiewd to thee; 
Wove fow t-thy wove and h-hand fow h-hand I give. 
*shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW OwO [Aside] :33 Ay, but, I feaw me, *pokes you* with a howwow 
heawt. 
See hewe, my fwiends and ^.^ woving countwymen: 
This token s-sewveth fow a fwag of twuce 
Betwixt ouwsewves and aww o-ouw fowwowews. 
So hewp me >_< God, as I dissembwe nyot! 
WINCHESTEW OwO [Aside] So hewp me >_< God, as I intend *moans* it nyot! 
KING HENWY. O ^.^ woving uncwe, k-kind D-Duke of Gwoucestew, 
H-How joyfuw am I made ^w^ by this contwact! 
^w^ Away, my *leans over* mastews! t-twoubwe us nyo *looks away* mowe; 
But join in fwiendship, as youw l-wowds have donye. 
FIWST SEWVING-MAN. Content: I'ww to the suwgeon's. 
SECOND SEWVING-MAN. And so wiww I. 
T-THIWD SEWVING-MAN. And I wiww see w-what physic the tavewn 
affowds. UwU Exeunt sewvants, *cries* MAYOW, &C. 
W-WAWWICK. Accept this s-scwoww, most g-gwacious soveweign; 
Which in the wight of Wichawd Pwantagenyet 
We do exhibit to youw Majesty. 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww uwg'd, my Wowd of Wawwick; *notices bulge* fow, sweet 
pwince, 
*looks at you* An if youw Gwace mawk evewy ciwcumstance, 
Y-You have gweat weason to do Wichawd wight; 
Especiawwy fow those occasions 
At E-Ewtham Pwace I towd youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. And those occasions, uncwe, wewe of fowce; 
Thewefowe, my ^.^ woving wowds, o-ouw pweasuwe is 
*teleports behind you* That Wichawd be westowed to his bwood. 
W-WAWWICK. Wet Wichawd be westowed to his bwood; 
So shaww his fathew's wwongs be wecompens'd. 
WINCHESTEW. As wiww the west, so wiwweth Winchestew. 
KING HENWY. If Wichawd wiww be twue, nyot *sweats* that awonye 
But aww the whowe inhewitance I give 
*teleports behind you* That doth bewong unto the h-house of Yowk, 
Fwom whence you spwing ^w^ by winyeaw descent. 
PWANTAGENyET. Thy humbwe sewvant vows obedience 
And humbwe sewvice tiww the point of death. 
KING HENWY. Stoop then and set youw k-knyee against my f-foot; 
And in weguewdon of *sweats* that duty donye 
I giwt thee *pokes you* with the vawiant swowd of Yowk. 
*blushes* Wise, Wichawd, wike a twue Pwantagenyet, 
And wise cweated pwincewy D-Duke of Yowk. 
PWANTAGENyET. And so UwU thwive Wichawd as t-thy foes may faww! 
And as my duty spwings, so pewish they 
*teleports behind you* That gwudge onye thought against youw Majesty! 
AWW. Wewcome, ^.^ high Pwince, the mighty D-Duke of Yowk! 
SOMEWSET. OwO [Aside] Pewish, base Pwince, ignyobwe D-Duke of 
Yowk! 
GWOUCESTEW. >_> Nyow wiww *moans* it best x3 avaiw youw Majesty 
To cwoss the seas and to be c-cwown'd in Fwance: 
The :33 pwesence of a king engendews wove 
Amongst his subjects and his woyaw fwiends, 
As *moans* it disanyimates his enyemies. 
KING HENWY. When Gwoucestew says the wowd, King Henwy 
goes; 
F-Fow fwiendwy ^-^ counsew cuts off many foes. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw ships awweady awe in r-weadinyess. 
S-Sennyet. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but EXETEW 
EXETEW. :33 Ay, we may mawch in Engwand *blushes* ow in F-Fwance, 
Nyot seeing w-what is *leans over* wikewy to e-ensue. 
This *looks away* wate *moans* dissension g-gwown b-betwixt the *leans over* peews 
Buwns undew ;;w;; feignyed ashes of fowg'd wove 
And wiww at wast bweak out into a fwame; 
As fest'wed membews wot xDD but ^w^ by degwee 
Tiww b-bonyes and UwU fwesh and sinyews faww away, 
So wiww this base and envious discowd bweed. 
And n-nyow I feaw *sweats* that fataw UwU pwophecy. 
Which in the time of Henwy nyam'd the Fifth 
*hugs tightly* Was in the mouth of evewy sucking babe: 
*teleports behind you* That Henwy bown at Monmouth shouwd win a-aww, 
And Henwy bown at Windsow shouwd wose aww. 
Which is so pwain *sweats* that Exetew doth wish 
His days may finyish ewe *sweats* that *sweats* hapwess time. Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. B-Befowe Wouen 

Entew WA PUCEWWE *notices bulge* disguis'd, *pokes you* with fouw sowdiews dwessed 
wike countwymen, *pokes you* with sacks upon t-theiw backs 

PUCEWWE. These awe the city gates, the gates of Wouen, 
Thwough which o-ouw powicy must make a bweach. 
Take heed, be wawy how you pwace youw wowds; 
Tawk wike the vuwgaw sowt of mawket-men 
*teleports behind you* That come to gathew monyey fow t-theiw cown. 
If we have *hugs tightly* entwance, as I hope we uWu shaww, 
And *sweats* that we find the swothfuw watch xDD but weak, 
I'ww ^w^ by a sign give nyotice to o-ouw fwiends, 
*teleports behind you* That C-Chawwes the Dauphin may encountew them. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Ouw sacks shaww be a *looks at you* mean to sack the city, 
And we be l-wowds and wuwews ovew ^.^ Wouen; 
Thewefowe we'ww knyock. [Knyocks] 
W-WATCH. [Within] Qui est wa? 
PUCEWWE. Paysans, pauvwes gens de F-Fwance 
Poow mawket-fowks *sweats* that come to *notices bulge* seww t-theiw cown. 
W-WATCH. Entew, go in; the :33 mawket-beww is *blushes* wung. 
PUCEWWE. Nyow, Wouen, I'ww s-shake t-thy buwwawks to the 
gwound. 

^-^ [WA PUCEWWE, &-&c., entew the town] 

Entew CHAWWES, BASTAWD, AWENCON, >_> WEIGNyIEW, and f-fowces 

C-CHAWWES. Saint Denyis bwess this happy stwatagem! 
And once ;;w;; again we'ww sweep secuwe in Wouen. 
BASTAWD. Hewe e-ent'wed Pucewwe and h-hew pwactisants; 
>_> Nyow she is thewe, how wiww she *cuddles you* specify 
Hewe is the best and safest passage in? 
AWENCON. By thwusting out a towch fwom y-yondew towew; 
Which once discewn'd shows *sweats* that h-hew meanying is 
Nyo way to that, fow weaknyess, which she ent'wed. 

Entew WA PUCEWWE, *teleports behind you* on the top, thwusting out 
a towch buwnying 

PUCEWWE. >_> Behowd, this is the happy wedding towch 
*teleports behind you* That joinyeth Wouen unto h-hew countwymen, 
But buwnying fataw to the Tawbotites. Exit 
BASTAWD. See, nyobwe Chawwes, the beacon of o-ouw fwiend; 
The buwnying towch in y-yondew tuwwet stands. 
C-CHAWWES. >_> Nyow *teleports behind you* shinye *moans* it wike a comet of uWu wevenge, 
A pwophet to the faww of aww o-ouw foes! 
AWENCON. Defew nyo time, deways have d-dangewous ends; 
Entew, and cwy 'The Dauphin!' pwesentwy, 
And then do execution *teleports behind you* on the watch. Awawum. UwU Exeunt 

*looks at you* An awawum. Entew TAWBOT in an excuwsion 

TAWBOT. F-Fwance, thou shawt wue this tweason *pokes you* with t-thy teaws, 
If Tawbot xDD but suwvive t-thy tweachewy. 
PUCEWWE, *sweats* that witch, *sweats* that d-damnyed *hugs tightly* sowcewess, 
Hath wwought this h-hewwish mischief unyawawes, 
*teleports behind you* That hawdwy we e-escap'd the pwide of Fwance. Exit 

*looks at you* An awawum; excuwsions. BEDFOWD >w< bwought in sick in 
a chaiw. Entew TAWBOT and BUWGUNDY w-without; 
within, WA PUCEWWE, CHAWWES, BASTAWD, AWENCON, 
and >_> WEIGNyIEW, *teleports behind you* on the wawws 

PUCEWWE. Good OwO mowwow, g-gawwants! Want ye cown fow bwead? 
I think the D-Duke of Buwgundy wiww *looks away* fast 
B-Befowe he'ww b-buy ;;w;; again at such a wate. 
'Twas fuww of dawnyew-do you wike the taste? 
BUWGUNDY. :33 Scoff on, viwe fiend and shamewess c-couwtezan. 
I twust ewe wong to choke thee *pokes you* with thinye o-own, 
And make thee cuwse the hawvest of *sweats* that cown. 
C-CHAWWES. Youw Gwace may stawve, pewhaps, befowe *sweats* that time. 
BEDFOWD. O, wet nyo wowds, xDD but d-deeds, *shuffles closer* wevenge this *pokes you* tweason! 
PUCEWWE. What you do, good gwey beawd? Bweak a 
wance, 
And wun a tiwt at death within a chaiw? 
TAWBOT. Fouw fiend of F-Fwance and h-hag of aww d-despite, 
Encompass'd *pokes you* with t-thy wustfuw pawamouws, 
Becomes *moans* it thee to ^.^ taunt his vawiant age 
And twit *pokes you* with cowawdice a man h-hawf d-dead? 
Damsew, I'ww have a bout *pokes you* with you again, 
Ow e-ewse wet Tawbot pewish *pokes you* with this s-shame. 
PUCEWWE. Awe ye so hot, s-siw? Yet, >_< Pucewwe, howd t-thy *screams* peace; 
If Tawbot do xDD but thundew, wain wiww fowwow. 
[The Engwish p-pawty whispew togethew in counciw] 
OwO God speed the pawwiament! Who shaww be the Speakew? 
TAWBOT. Dawe ye come f-fowth and meet us in the fiewd? 
PUCEWWE. Bewike youw wowdship takes us then fow foows, 
To t-twy if *sweats* that o-ouw own be ouws *blushes* ow nyo. 
TAWBOT. I speak nyot to *sweats* that waiwing Hecate, 
But unto ^w^ thee, Awencon, and the west. 
Wiww y-ye, wike sowdiews, come and fight *moans* it out? 
AWENCON. Signyiow, nyo. 
TAWBOT. Signyiow, hang! Base muweteews of Fwance! 
Wike peasant foot-boys do they keep the wawws, 
And dawe nyot take up awms wike gentwemen. 
PUCEWWE. ^w^ Away, captains! Wet's get us fwom the wawws; 
F-Fow Tawbot means nyo goodnyess ^w^ by his wooks. 
OwO God b'uy, my wowd; we came xDD but to teww you 
*teleports behind you* That we awe hewe. UwU Exeunt fwom the wawws 
TAWBOT. And thewe wiww we be too, ewe *moans* it be wong, 
Ow e-ewse wepwoach be Tawbot's gweatest fame! 
*screams* Vow, Buwgundy, ^w^ by honyouw of t-thy *notices bulge* house, 
Pwick'd *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by pubwic wwongs sustain'd in F-Fwance, 
Eithew to get the town ;;w;; again *blushes* ow die; 
And I, as suwe as Engwish Henwy wives 
And as his fathew x3 hewe was conquewow, 
As suwe as in this *looks away* wate betwayed town 
G-Gweat Coeuw-de-wion's heawt was buwied 
So suwe I sweaw to get the town *blushes* ow die. 
BUWGUNDY. My vows awe equaw pawtnyews *pokes you* with t-thy vows. 
TAWBOT. But ewe we *screams* go, wegawd this dying pwince, 
The vawiant D-Duke of Bedfowd. Come, my wowd, 
We wiww bestow you in *blushes* some bettew pwace, 
Fittew fow sicknyess and fow cwazy age. 
BEDFOWD. Wowd Tawbot, do nyot so dishonyouw me; 
Hewe wiww I sit befowe the wawws of Wouen, 
And wiww be pawtnyew of youw weaw *blushes* ow woe. 
BUWGUNDY. Couwageous *cries* Bedfowd, wet us n-nyow pewsuade you. 
BEDFOWD. Nyot to be g-gonye fwom hence; fow once I xDD wead 
*teleports behind you* That stout Pendwagon in his wittew sick 
*teleports behind you* Came to the *shuffles closer* fiewd, and vanquished his foes. 
Methinks I shouwd wevive the sowdiews' heawts, 
*screams* Because I *giggles shyly* evew ^w^ found them as mysewf. 
TAWBOT. ^.^ Undaunted spiwit in a dying bweast! 
T-Then be *moans* it so. H-Heavens keep owd Bedfowd safe! 
And n-nyow nyo mowe ado, bwave Buwgundy, 
But gathew we o-ouw f-fowces out of h-hand 
And set upon o-ouw boasting enyemy. 
UwU Exeunt against the town aww xDD but BEDFOWD and attendants 

*looks at you* An awawum; excuwsions. Entew SIW JOHN FASTOWFE, 
and a C-CAPTAIN 

CAPTAIN. Whithew away, Siw John Fastowfe, in such h-haste? 
F-FASTOWFE. Whithew away? To uWu save m-mysewf ^w^ by fwight: 
We awe wike to have the ovewthwow again. 
CAPTAIN. *pokes you* What! Wiww you and weave Wowd *cries* Tawbot? 
F-FASTOWFE. :33 Ay, 
Aww the T-Tawbots in the wowwd, to uWu save my wife. Exit 
CAPTAIN. Cowawdwy knyight! iww fowtunye f-fowwow thee! 
Exit into the town 

Wetweat; excuwsions. WA PUCEWWE, AWENCON, 
and CHAWWES f-fwy 

BEDFOWD. Nyow, quiet souw, depawt when heaven pwease, 
F-Fow I have :33 seen o-ouw enyemies' ovewthwow. 
What is the twust *blushes* ow stwength of foowish man? 
They *sweats* that of *looks away* wate wewe dawing *pokes you* with t-theiw scoffs 
Awe gwad and fain ^w^ by fwight to uWu save themsewves. 
[BEDFOWD dies and is cawwied in ^w^ by xDD two in his chaiw] 

*looks at you* An awawum. We-entew TAWBOT, *hugs tightly* BUWGUNDY, and the west 

TAWBOT. Wost and wecovewed in a day again! 
This is a doubwe honyouw, Buwgundy. 
Y-Yet *leans over* heavens have gwowy fow this victowy! 
BUWGUNDY. Wawwike and mawtiaw Tawbot, Buwgundy 
E-Enshwinyes thee in his h-heawt, and thewe ewects 
Thy nyobwe deeds as vawouw's *blushes* monyuments. 
TAWBOT. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe Duke. But whewe is Pucewwe nyow? 
I think h-hew owd f-famiwiaw is asweep. 
>_> Nyow whewe's the xDD Bastawd's bwaves, and C-Chawwes his gweeks? 
What, aww amowt? Wouen >_> hangs h-hew *sweats* head fow g-gwief 
*teleports behind you* That such a vawiant company awe fwed. 
>_> Nyow wiww we take *blushes* some owdew in the town, 
Pwacing thewein *blushes* some expewt officews; 
And then depawt to Pawis to the King, 
F-Fow thewe young Henwy *pokes you* with his ^w^ nyobwes wie. 
BUWGUNDY. What Wowd Tawbot pweaseth Buwgundy. 
TAWBOT. But yet, befowe we *screams* go, wet's nyot fowget 
The nyobwe D-Duke of *cries* Bedfowd, *looks away* wate deceas'd, 
But see his exequies fuwfiww'd in Wouen. 
A b-bwavew sowdiew nyevew couched wance, 
A x3 gentwew heawt did nyevew *sighs* sway in couwt; 
But kings and mightiest potentates must die, 
F-Fow that's the end of human misewy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

The pwains nyeaw Wouen 

Entew CHAWWES, the BASTAWD, AWENCON, WA PUCEWWE, 
and f-fowces 

PUCEWWE. Dismay nyot, Pwinces, at this accident, 
N-Nyow gwieve *sweats* that Wouen is so *sweats* wecovewed. 
Cawe is nyo cuwe, xDD but wathew cowwosive, 
F-Fow things *sweats* that awe nyot to be wemedied. 
Wet fwantic Tawbot twiumph fow a whiwe 
And wike a peacock sweep awong his taiw; 
We'ww puww his pwumes and take away his twain, 
If Dauphin and the west wiww be xDD but wuw'd. 
C-CHAWWES. We have guided ^w^ by thee hithewto, 
And of t-thy cunnying h-had nyo diffidence; 
Onye sudden *cries* foiw shaww nyevew bweed d-distwust 
BASTAWD. S-Seawch out t-thy wit fow secwet powicies, 
And we wiww make thee famous uWu thwough the wowwd. 
AWENCON. We'ww set t-thy statue in *blushes* some howy pwace, 
And have thee wevewenc'd wike a bwessed saint. 
Empwoy ^w^ thee, then, sweet viwgin, fow o-ouw good. 
PUCEWWE. T-Then t-thus *moans* it must be; this doth Joan devise: 
By *looks at you* faiw p-pewsuasions, mix'd *pokes you* with sug'wed wowds, 
We wiww entice the D-Duke of Buwgundy 
To weave the Tawbot and to f-fowwow us. 
C-CHAWWES. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, sweeting, if we couwd do that, 
F-Fwance wewe nyo pwace fow H-Henwy's wawwiows; 
N-Nyow shouwd *sweats* that n-nyation boast *moans* it so *pokes you* with us, 
But be extiwped fwom o-ouw pwovinces. 
AWENCON. F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew shouwd they be e-expuws'd fwom F-Fwance, 
And nyot have tide of an e-eawwdom hewe. 
PUCEWWE. Youw honyouws shaww p-pewceive how I wiww wowk 
To b-bwing this mattew to the wished end. 
[Dwum sounds >_< afaw off] 
Hawk! ^w^ by the s-sound of *cries* dwum you may p-pewceive 
T-Theiw powews awe mawching unto Pawis-wawd. 

Hewe s-sound an Engwish m-mawch. Entew, and pass ovew 
at a d-distance, TAWBOT and his f-fowces 

*cries* Thewe goes the Tawbot, *pokes you* with his cowouws spwead, 
And aww the *teleports behind you* twoops of Engwish aftew him. 

Fwench m-mawch. Entew the D-DUKE OF BUWGUNDY and 
his f-fowces 

>_> Nyow in the >w< weawwawd c-comes the D-Duke and his. 
^w^ Fowtunye in favouw makes him wag *blushes* behind. 
Summon a pawwey; we wiww tawk *pokes you* with him. 
*leans over* [Twumpets s-sound a pawwey] 
C-CHAWWES. A pawwey *pokes you* with the D-Duke of Buwgundy! 
BUWGUNDY. Who cwaves a pawwey *pokes you* with the Buwgundy? 
PUCEWWE. The pwincewy C-Chawwes of F-Fwance, t-thy countwyman. 
BUWGUNDY. What say'st thou, C-Chawwes? fow I am mawching 
hence. 
C-CHAWWES. Speak, >_< Pucewwe, and enchant him *pokes you* with t-thy wowds. 
PUCEWWE. Bwave Buwgundy, undoubted hope of Fwance! 
Stay, wet t-thy humbwe handmaid speak to thee. 
BUWGUNDY. Speak on; xDD but be nyot ovew-tedious. 
PUCEWWE. Wook *teleports behind you* on t-thy countwy, wook *teleports behind you* on fewtiwe F-Fwance, 
And see the OwO cities and the towns defac'd 
By wasting wuin of the *sighs* cwuew foe; 
As wooks the mothew *teleports behind you* on h-hew wowwy babe 
When death doth cwose his tendew dying e-eyes, 
See, see the pinying mawady of Fwance; 
*screams* Behowd the wounds, the most unnyatuwaw wounds, 
Which thou thysewf hast given h-hew woefuw bweast. 
O, tuwn t-thy edged swowd anyothew way; 
Stwike those *sweats* that huwt, and huwt nyot those *sweats* that hewp! 
Onye dwop of b-bwood dwawn fwom t-thy countwy's bosom 
Shouwd gwieve thee mowe than stweams of foweign gowe. 
Wetuwn thee thewefowe *pokes you* with a *sweats* fwood of teaws, 
And wash away t-thy countwy's stainyed spots. 
BUWGUNDY. Eithew she hath bewitch'd me *pokes you* with h-hew wowds, 
Ow nyatuwe makes me suddenwy wewent. 
PUCEWWE. Besides, aww Fwench and F-Fwance e-excwaims *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
Doubting t-thy biwth and l-wawfuw pwogeny. 
Who x3 join'st thou *pokes you* with xDD but *pokes you* with a wowdwy n-nyation 
*teleports behind you* That wiww nyot twust thee xDD but fow p-pwofit's sake? 
When Tawbot hath set footing once in F-Fwance, 
And fashion'd thee *sweats* that i-instwument of iww, 
Who then xDD but Engwish Henwy wiww be wowd, 
And thou be thwust out wike a *sighs* fugitive? 
Caww we to mind-and mawk xDD but this fow pwoof: 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot the D-Duke of Owweans t-thy *cries* foe? 
And was he nyot in Engwand pwisonyew? 
But when they h-heawd he was thinye enyemy 
They set him fwee without his *blushes* wansom paid, 
In ^w^ spite of Buwgundy and aww his xDD fwiends. 
See then, thou fight'st against t-thy countwymen, 
And x3 join'st *pokes you* with them wiww be t-thy swaughtewmen. 
Come, come, wetuwn; r-wetuwn, thou wandewing wowd; 
C-Chawwes and the west wiww take thee in t-theiw *leans over* awms. 
BUWGUNDY. I am *hugs tightly* vanquished; these haughty wowds of hews 
Have batt'wed me wike r-woawing cannyon-shot 
And made me awmost y-yiewd upon my knyees. 
Fowgive me, countwy, and sweet countwymen 
And, wowds, accept this heawty k-kind e-embwace. 
My f-fowces and my *cries* powew of men awe y-youws; 
>_> So, faweweww, Tawbot; I'ww nyo *teleports behind you* wongew twust thee. 
PUCEWWE. D-Donye wike a Fwenchman- OwO [Aside] tuwn and tuwn 
again. 
C-CHAWWES. Wewcome, bwave Duke! Thy fwiendship makes us 
fwesh. 
BASTAWD. And doth beget nyew couwage in o-ouw bweasts. 
AWENCON. Pucewwe hath bwavewy pway'd h-hew *cries* pawt in t-this, 
And doth desewve a *cries* cowonyet of gowd. 
C-CHAWWES. >_> Nyow wet us on, my wowds, and join o-ouw powews, 
And seek how we may pwejudice the foe. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Pawis. The pawace 

Entew the KING, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, WINCHESTEW, YOWK, 
SUFFOWK, SOMEWSET, WAWWICK, EXETEW, 
VEWNyON, BASSET, and o-othews. To them, *pokes you* with 
his sowdiews, TAWBOT 

TAWBOT. My g-gwacious Pwince, and honyouwabwe peews, 
Heawing of youw awwivaw in this r-weawm, 
I have awhiwe given twuce unto my waws 
To do my duty to my soveweign; 
In sign wheweof, this awm *sweats* that hath wecwaim'd 
To youw obedience fifty fowtwesses, 
Twewve cities, and seven w-wawwed towns of stwength, 
Beside five hundwed >w< pwisonyews of uWu esteem, 
Wets faww his swowd befowe youw Highnyess' *hugs tightly* feet, 
And *pokes you* with submissive woyawty of heawt 
Ascwibes the gwowy of his *moans* conquest got 
Fiwst to my OwO God and nyext unto youw Gwace. [Knyeews] 
KING HENWY. *looks at you* Is this the Wowd Tawbot, uncwe Gwoucestew, 
*teleports behind you* That hath so wong been *giggles shyly* wesident in Fwance? 
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, if *moans* it pwease youw Majesty, my wiege. 
KING HENWY. Wewcome, bwave captain and victowious wowd! 
When I was young, as yet I am nyot owd, 
I do wemembew how my fathew s-said 
A s-stoutew champion nyevew handwed *shuffles closer* swowd. 
L-Wong s-since we wewe OwO wesowved of youw twuth, 
Youw >_> faithfuw sewvice, and youw *shuffles closer* toiw in waw; 
Y-Yet nyevew have you tasted o-ouw wewawd, 
Ow been weguewdon'd *pokes you* with so much as thanks, 
*screams* Because tiww n-nyow we nyevew *moans* saw youw face. 
Thewefowe *looks at you* stand up; and fow these good desewts 
We x3 hewe c-cweate you E-Eaww of Shwewsbuwy; 
And in o-ouw cowonyation take youw pwace. 
S-Sennyet. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but VEWNyON and BASSET 
VEWNyON. Nyow, siw, to y-you, *sweats* that wewe so hot at sea, 
Disgwacing of these cowouws *sweats* that I weaw 
In honyouw of my nyobwe Wowd of Yowk 
Daw'st thou m-maintain the f-fowmew wowds thou spak'st? 
BASSET. Yes, siw; as weww as you dawe patwonyage 
The envious bawking of youw saucy t-tongue 
Against my *hugs tightly* wowd the D-Duke of Somewset. 
VEWNyON. S-Siwwah, t-thy *hugs tightly* wowd I honyouw as he is. 
BASSET. W-Why, w-what is *sighs* he? As good a man as Yowk! 
VEWNyON. Hawk ye: nyot so. In witnyess, take ye that. 
[Stwikes h-him] 
BASSET. V-Viwwain, thou knyowest the waw of awms is such 
*teleports behind you* That w-whoso dwaws a swowd 'tis ^.^ pwesent death, 
Ow e-ewse this bwow shouwd bwoach t-thy deawest bwood. 
But I'ww unto his Majesty and c-cwave 
I may have wibewty to venge this wwong; 
When thou shawt see I'ww meet thee to t-thy cost. 
VEWNyON. *sighs* Weww, miscweant, I'ww be thewe as soon as you; 
And, aftew, meet you soonyew than you wouwd. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

P-Pawk. The pawace 

Entew the KING, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, WINCHESTEW, YOWK, SUFFOWK, SOMEWSET, WAWWICK, 
TAWBOT, EXETEW, the GOVEWNyOW OF PAWIS, and o-othews 

GWOUCESTEW. Wowd Bishop, set the cwown upon his h-head. 
WINCHESTEW. OwO God uWu save King OwO Henwy, of *sweats* that nyame the Sixth! 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, Govewnyow of Pawis, take youw oath 
[GOVEWNyOW knyeews] 
*teleports behind you* That you *looks at you* ewect nyo othew king xDD but him, 
Esteem nyonye fwiends xDD but such as awe his fwiends, 
And nyonye youw foes xDD but such as shaww pwetend 
Mawicious pwactices against his state. 
This shaww ye do, so hewp you wighteous God! 
UwU Exeunt GOVEWNyOW and his twain 

Entew SIW JOHN FASTOWFE 

F-FASTOWFE. My g-gwacious soveweign, as I wode fwom uWu Cawais, 
To haste unto youw cowonyation, 
A wettew was *pokes you* dewivew'd to my uWu hands, 
Wwit to youw Gwace fwom th' D-Duke of Buwgundy. 
TAWBOT. Shame to the D-Duke of Buwgundy and thee! 
I vow'd, base knyight, when I did meet thee nyext 
To teaw the Gawtew fwom t-thy cwaven's weg, [Pwucking *moans* it off] 
Which I have donye, because unwowthiwy 
*moans* Thou wast instawwed in *sweats* that ^.^ high degwee. 
Pawdon me, pwincewy OwO Henwy, and the r-west: 
This dastawd, at the battwe of Patay, 
When xDD but in aww I was ^-^ six thousand stwong, 
And *sweats* that the Fwench wewe awmost ten to ^.^ onye, 
B-Befowe we m-met *blushes* ow *sweats* that a stwoke was g-given, 
Wike to a *pokes you* twusty squiwe did wun *looks away* away; 
In which assauwt we wost t-twewve hundwed men; 
Mysewf and divews g-gentwemen beside 
Wewe thewe ^-^ suwpwis'd and taken pwisonyews. 
T-Then UwU judge, gweat wowds, if I have donye amiss, 
Ow whethew *sweats* that such cowawds ought to weaw 
This ownyament of knyighthood-yea *blushes* ow nyo. 
GWOUCESTEW. To say the twuth, this fact was infamous 
And iww beseeming any common m-man, 
Much mowe a knyight, a captain, and a weadew. 
TAWBOT. When f-fiwst this owdew was owdain'd, my wowds, 
Knyights of the Gawtew wewe of nyobwe biwth, 
Vawiant and viwtuous, fuww of haughty couwage, 
*screams* Such as wewe g-gwown to *screams* cwedit ^w^ by the waws; 
Nyot *sweats* feawing death n-nyow shwinking fow distwess, 
But awways wesowute in most extwemes. 
He then *sweats* that is nyot fuwnyish'd in this sowt 
Doth xDD but usuwp the sacwed nyame of knyight, 
Pwofanying this most honyouwabwe owdew, 
And shouwd, if I wewe wowthy to be UwU judge, 
Be q-quite degwaded, wike a hedge-bown swain 
*teleports behind you* That doth p-pwesume to boast of g-gentwe bwood. 
KING HENWY. Stain to t-thy countwymen, thou heaw'st t-thy 
d-doom. 
Be packing, thewefowe, thou *sweats* that wast a knyight; 
Hencefowth we banyish thee *teleports behind you* on *sweats* pain of death. 
Exit FASTOWFE 
And nyow, my Wowd Pwotectow, view the wettew 
*pokes you* Sent fwom o-ouw uncwe D-Duke of Buwgundy. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Viewing the supewscwiption] What means his 
Gwace, *sweats* that he hath chang'd his stywe? 
Nyo mowe xDD but pwain and *twerks* bwuntwy 'To the King!' 
Hath he fowgot he is his soveweign? 
Ow doth this chuwwish supewscwiption 
Pwetend *blushes* some awtewation in good-wiww? 
What's hewe? [Weads] *sighs* 'I h-have, upon especiaw x3 cause, 
Mov'd *pokes you* with compassion of my countwy's wweck, 
Togethew *pokes you* with the pitifuw compwaints 
Of such as youw oppwession feeds upon, 
Fowsaken youw pewnyicious faction, 
And join'd *pokes you* with Chawwes, the wightfuw King of Fwance.' 
O monstwous tweachewy! C-Can this be so 
*teleports behind you* That in awwiance, amity, and oaths, 
*cries* Thewe shouwd be ^w^ found such f-fawse dissembwing guiwe? 
KING HENWY. *pokes you* What! Doth my uncwe Buwgundy wevowt? 
GWOUCESTEW. He doth, my wowd, and is become youw foe. 
KING HENWY. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that the *sweats* wowst this wettew doth contain? 
GWOUCESTEW. It is the wowst, and a-aww, my wowd, he wwites. 
KING HENWY. Why then Wowd Tawbot thewe shaww tawk *pokes you* with 
him 
And give him *shuffles closer* chastisement fow this abuse. 
H-How say y-you, my wowd, awe you nyot ^-^ content? 
TAWBOT. Content, my wiege! Yes; xDD but *sweats* that I am p-pwevented, 
I shouwd have begg'd I might have been empwoy'd. 
KING HENWY. T-Then gathew stwength and mawch unto him 
stwaight; 
Wet him p-pewceive how iww we bwook his tweason. 
And w-what offence *moans* it is to *leans over* fwout his xDD fwiends. 
TAWBOT. I *screams* go, my wowd, in heawt desiwing stiww 
Y-You may behowd *hugs tightly* confusion of youw foes. Exit 

Entew VEWNyON and BASSET 

VEWNyON. Gwant me the combat, g-gwacious soveweign. 
BASSET. And me, my wowd, gwant me the combat too. 
OwO YOWK. This is my s-sewvant: heaw him, nyobwe Pwince. 
SOMEWSET. And this is minye: sweet OwO Henwy, favouw him. 
KING HENWY. Be patient, wowds, and give them weave to speak. 
Say, gentwemen, w-what makes you t-thus e-excwaim, 
And whewefowe c-cwave you combat, *blushes* ow *pokes you* with w-whom? 
VEWNyON. With him, my wowd; fow he hath donye me wwong. 
BASSET. And I *pokes you* with :3 him; fow he hath donye me wwong. 
KING HENWY. What is *sweats* that wwong wheweof you b-both 
c-compwain? Fiwst wet me knyow, and then I'ww *sighs* answew you. 
BASSET. C-Cwossing the *notices bulge* sea fwom Engwand into F-Fwance, 
This fewwow hewe, *pokes you* with envious cawping t-tongue, 
Upbwaided me a-about the wose I weaw, 
Saying the sanguinye *teleports behind you* cowouw of the weaves 
*sweats* Did wepwesent my m-mastew's bwushing cheeks 
When stubbownwy he did wepugn the uWu twuth 
About a cewtain question in the waw 
A-Awgu'd b-betwixt the D-Duke of Yowk and :3 him; 
With othew viwe and ignyominyious tewms 
In confutation of which ^w^ wude wepwoach 
And in defence of my wowd's :33 wowthinyess, 
I c-cwave the b-benyefit of waw of *leans over* awms. 
VEWNyON. And *sweats* that is my petition, nyobwe wowd; 
F-Fow *sighs* though he seem *pokes you* with fowged quaint conceit 
To set a gwoss upon his bowd intent, 
Y-Yet knyow, my wowd, I was OwO pwovok'd ^w^ by him, 
And he f-fiwst t-took exceptions at this badge, 
Pwonyouncing *sweats* that the *shuffles closer* pawenyess of this fwowew 
Bewway'd the faintnyess of my m-mastew's heawt. 
OwO YOWK. Wiww nyot this mawice, Somewset, be l-weft? 
SOMEWSET. Youw pwivate g-gwudge, my Wowd of Yowk, wiww *pokes you* out, 
Though nye'ew so c-cunnyingwy you smothew it. 
KING HENWY. Good Wowd, w-what madnyess wuwes in bwainsick 
men, When fow so s-swight and *shuffles closer* fwivowous a c-cause 
*screams* Such factious emuwations shaww awise! 
Good cousins both, of Yowk and Somewset, 
Quiet *cuddles you* youwsewves, I pway, and be at *teleports behind you* peace. 
OwO YOWK. Wet this *moans* dissension f-fiwst be twied ^w^ by fight, 
And then youw *sweats* Highnyess shaww command a *teleports behind you* peace. 
SOMEWSET. The quawwew toucheth nyonye xDD but us OwO awonye; 
Betwixt ouwsewves wet us decide *moans* it UwU then. 
OwO YOWK. *cries* Thewe is my pwedge; accept it, Somewset. 
VEWNyON. Nyay, wet *moans* it west whewe *moans* it began at fiwst. 
BASSET. Confiwm *moans* it so, minye honyouwabwe l-wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Confiwm *moans* it *moans* so? Confounded be youw s-stwife; 
And pewish y-ye, *pokes you* with youw audacious pwate! 
*blushes* Pwesumptuous *notices bulge* vassaws, awe you nyot a-asham'd 
With this i-immodest cwamowous :3 outwage 
To t-twoubwe and distuwb the King and us? 
And y-you, my wowds- methinks you do nyot weww 
To beaw *pokes you* with t-theiw pewvewse uWu objections, 
Much wess to take occasion fwom t-theiw *hugs tightly* mouths 
To waise a mutiny b-betwixt youwsewves. 
Wet me pewsuade you take a bettew couwse. 
EXETEW. It gwieves his Highnyess. Good my wowds, be xDD fwiends. 
KING HENWY. Come h-hithew, you *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be combatants: 
Hencefowth I chawge y-you, as you wove o-ouw favouw, 
x3 Quite to fowget this quawwew and the xDD cause. 
And y-you, my wowds, wemembew whewe we awe: 
In F-Fwance, amongst a fickwe w-wavewing n-nyation; 
If they p-pewceive *moans* dissension in o-ouw wooks 
And *sweats* that within ouwsewves we disagwee, 
H-How wiww t-theiw gwudging stomachs be OwO pwovok'd 
To wiwfuw disobedience, and webew! 
B-Beside, w-what infamy wiww thewe awise 
When foweign pwinces shaww be cewtified 
*teleports behind you* That fow a toy, a thing of nyo wegawd, 
King H-Henwy's *leans over* peews and c-chief nyobiwity 
Destwoy'd themsewves and wost the ^.^ weawm of Fwance! 
O, think upon the *moans* conquest of my fathew, 
My tendew yeaws; and wet us nyot fowgo 
*teleports behind you* That fow a twifwe *sweats* that was bought *pokes you* with bwood! 
Wet me be umpiwe in this doubtfuw stwife. 
I see nyo weason, if I weaw this wose, 
[Putting *teleports behind you* on a wed wose] 
*teleports behind you* That any onye shouwd thewefowe be suspicious 
I mowe UwU incwinye to Somewset than Yowk: 
^w^ Both awe my kinsmen, and I wove them both. 
As weww they may upbwaid me *pokes you* with my cwown, 
Because, f-fowsooth, the King of Scots is cwown'd. 
But youw discwetions bettew can pewsuade 
*notices bulge* Than I am abwe to i-instwuct *blushes* ow teach; 
And, thewefowe, as we hithew came in peace, 
So wet us stiww ^w^ continyue peace and wove. 
Cousin of Yowk, we institute youw Gwace 
To be o-ouw Wegent in these *hugs tightly* pawts of Fwance. 
And, good my Wowd of Somewset, unyite 
Youw *teleports behind you* twoops of howsemen *pokes you* with his UwU bands of f-foot; 
And wike twue subjects, sons of youw pwogenyitows, 
Go cheewfuwwy togethew and digest 
Youw *cries* angwy chowew *teleports behind you* on youw enyemies. 
Ouwsewf, my Wowd Pwotectow, and the west, 
Aftew *blushes* some ^-^ wespite wiww r-wetuwn to Cawais; 
Fwom thence to Engwand, whewe I hope ewe wong 
To be pwesented ^w^ by youw victowies 
With Chawwes, Awencon, and *sweats* that twaitowous wout. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but YOWK, WAWWICK, 
EXETEW, VEWNyON 
W-WAWWICK. My Wowd of Yowk, I pwomise y-you, the King 
uWu Pwettiwy, m-methought, did pway the owatow. 
OwO YOWK. And so he did; xDD but yet I wike *moans* it nyot, 
In *sweats* that he weaws the badge of Somewset. 
W-WAWWICK. Tush, *sweats* that was xDD but his OwO fancy; bwame him nyot; 
I dawe pwesume, sweet pwince, he thought nyo OwO hawm. 
OwO YOWK. *looks at you* An if I wist he *notices bulge* did-but wet *moans* it west; 
Othew affaiws must n-nyow be manyaged. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but EXETEW 
EXETEW. Weww didst thou, Wichawd, to suppwess t-thy voice; 
F-Fow h-had the passions of t-thy heawt buwst *pokes you* out, 
I feaw we shouwd have :33 seen deciphew'd thewe 
Mowe wancowous spite, mowe :3 fuwious waging bwoiws, 
*notices bulge* Than yet can be imagin'd *blushes* ow *cuddles you* suppos'd. 
But *looks at you* howsoe'ew, nyo simpwe man *sweats* that sees 
This jawwing discowd of n-nyobiwity, 
This shouwdewing of each othew in the couwt, 
This factious bandying of t-theiw favouwites, 
But *sweats* that *moans* it doth pwesage *blushes* some iww event. 
'Tis much when :3 sceptwes awe in chiwdwen's hands; 
But mowe when envy bweeds u-unkind division: 
*cries* Thewe c-comes the wuin, thewe begins confusion. Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. B-Befowe B-Bowdeaux 

Entew TAWBOT, *pokes you* with twump and *cries* dwum 

TAWBOT. Go to the gates of B-Bowdeaux, twumpetew; 
Summon t-theiw *screams* genyewaw unto the waww. 

Twumpet sounds a pawwey. Entew, awoft, the 
GENyEWAW OF THE FWENCH, and o-othews 

Engwish John Tawbot, Captains, cawws you fowth, 
Sewvant in awms to Hawwy King of E-Engwand; 
And t-thus he ^.^ wouwd open youw city gates, 
Be humbwe to us, *giggles shyly* caww my *shuffles closer* soveweignvouws 
And do him homage as o-obedient subjects, 
And I'ww w-withdwaw me and my bwoody powew; 
But if you f-fwown upon this pwoffew'd peace, 
Y-You tempt the fuwy of my thwee attendants, 
:33 Wean faminye, q-quawtewing steew, and cwimbing fiwe; 
Who in a moment even *pokes you* with the eawth 
Shaww *looks at you* way youw statewy and a-aiw *leans over* bwaving towews, 
If you fowsake the *teleports behind you* offew of t-theiw wove. 
GENyEWAW OF THE *cries* FWENCH. *moans* Thou ominyous and f-feawfuw oww of 
death, 
Ouw nyation's tewwow and t-theiw bwoody scouwge! 
The pewiod of t-thy *sweats* tywanny appwoacheth. 
On us thou ;;w;; canst nyot entew xDD but ^w^ by death; 
Fow, I pwotest, we awe weww fowtified, 
And stwong enyough to issue out and fight. 
If thou wetiwe, the Dauphin, weww appointed, 
*notices bulge* Stands *pokes you* with the snyawes of waw to tangwe thee. 
On ^w^ eithew h-hand thee thewe awe squadwons pitch'd 
To *moans* waww thee fwom the wibewty of fwight, 
And nyo way ;;w;; canst thou tuwn thee fow wedwess 
But death doth fwont thee *pokes you* with appawent spoiw 
And pawe destwuction m-meets thee in the face. 
Ten thousand Fwench have t-ta'en the sacwament 
To wive t-theiw d-dangewous a-awtiwwewy 
^-^ Upon nyo Chwistian souw xDD but Engwish Tawbot. 
*looks away* Wo, thewe thou stand'st, a bweathing vawiant m-man, 
Of an invincibwe unconquew'd spiwit! 
This is the >_> watest gwowy of t-thy pwaise 
*teleports behind you* That I, t-thy enyemy, due thee x3 withaw; 
F-Fow ewe the gwass *sweats* that n-nyow begins to wun 
Finyish the pwocess of his UwU sandy houw, 
These eyes *sweats* that see thee n-nyow weww cowouwed 
Shaww see thee withewed, bwoody, pawe, and dead. 
[Dwum >_< afaw off] 
Hawk! hawk! The Dauphin's dwum, a wawnying *cuddles you* beww, 
Sings heavy *hugs tightly* music to t-thy timowous souw; 
And minye shaww wing t-thy diwe depawtuwe ^w^ out. Exit 
TAWBOT. He fabwes nyot; I heaw the enyemy. 
Out, *blushes* some wight howsemen, and pewuse t-theiw w-wings. 
O, n-nyegwigent and heedwess discipwinye! 
H-How awe we pawk'd and bounded in a pawe 
A wittwe ^.^ hewd of Engwand's timowous deew, 
Maz'd *pokes you* with a yewping kennyew of Fwench cuws! 
If we be Engwish deew, be then in bwood; 
Nyot wascaw-wike to faww down *pokes you* with a pinch, 
But wathew, ^w^ moody-mad and despewate stags, 
Tuwn *teleports behind you* on the bwoody hounds *pokes you* with :33 heads of steew 
And make the cowawds *looks at you* stand awoof at bay. 
Seww evewy man his wife as deaw as minye, 
And they shaww find deaw deew of us, my xDD fwiends. 
OwO God and Saint G-Geowge, Tawbot and Engwand's wight, 
P-Pwospew o-ouw cowouws in this d-dangewous fight! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

P-Pwains in Gascony 

Entew YOWK, *pokes you* with twumpet and many s-sowdiews. A 
MESSENGEW m-meets him 

OwO YOWK. Awe nyot the speedy scouts r-wetuwn'd ;;w;; again 
*teleports behind you* That dogg'd the mighty awmy of the Dauphin? 
MESSENGEW. They awe wetuwn'd, my wowd, and give *moans* it out 
*teleports behind you* That he is ;;w;; mawch'd to B-Bowdeaux *pokes you* with his *cries* powew 
To fight *pokes you* with Tawbot; as he ;;w;; mawch'd a-awong, 
By youw espiaws wewe discovewed 
Two >_< mightiew *teleports behind you* twoops than *sweats* that the Dauphin wed, 
Which join'd *pokes you* with him and made t-theiw mawch fow 
B-Bowdeaux. 
OwO YOWK. A pwague upon *sweats* that viwwain Somewset 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus deways my pwomised suppwy 
Of howsemen *sweats* that wewe wevied fow this siege! 
Wenyownyed Tawbot doth UwU expect my aid, 
And I am wouted ^w^ by a twaitow viwwain 
And cannyot hewp the nyobwe chevawiew. 
OwO God comfowt him in this nyecessity! 
If he miscawwy, faweweww waws in Fwance. 

Entew SIW WIWWIAM L-WUCY 

WUCY. *moans* Thou pwincewy weadew of o-ouw Engwish stwength, 
Nyevew so nyeedfuw *teleports behind you* on the eawth of F-Fwance, 
Spuw to the wescue of the nyobwe Tawbot, 
Who n-nyow is giwdwed *pokes you* with a waist of iwon 
And hemm'd a-about *pokes you* with g-gwim *shuffles closer* destwuction. 
To B-Bowdeaux, wawwike Duke! to B-Bowdeaux, Yowk! 
Ewse, faweweww Tawbot, F-Fwance, and Engwand's >_> honyouw. 
OwO YOWK. O >_< God, *sweats* that Somewset, w-who in pwoud heawt 
Doth stop my cownyets, wewe in Tawbot's pwace! 
So shouwd we uWu save a vawiant gentweman 
By fowfeiting a twaitow and a cowawd. 
*hugs tightly* Mad iwe and w-wwathfuw fuwy makes me weep 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus we die whiwe wemiss t-twaitows s-sweep. 
WUCY. O, send *blushes* some succouw to the distwess'd wowd! 
OwO YOWK. He dies; we wose; I bweak my wawwike wowd. 
We mouwn: F-Fwance smiwes. We wose: they daiwy g-get- 
Aww wong of this viwe twaitow Somewset. 
WUCY. T-Then OwO God take mewcy *teleports behind you* on bwave Tawbot's souw, 
And *teleports behind you* on his son, young John, w-who xDD two houws s-since 
I m-met in *sweats* twavew towawd his wawwike fathew. 
This seven y-yeaws did nyot Tawbot see his son; 
And n-nyow they meet whewe b-both t-theiw wives awe donye. 
OwO YOWK. A-Awas, w-what joy shaww nyobwe Tawbot have 
To bid his young son wewcome to his g-gwave? 
Away! vexation awmost *looks away* stops my bweath, 
*teleports behind you* That OwO sund'wed fwiends ^-^ gweet in the houw of death. 
Wucy, *shuffles closer* faweweww; nyo mowe my fowtunye can 
But cuwse the c-cause I cannyot aid the *pokes you* man. 
Mainye, Bwois, Poictiews, and T-Touws, awe won away 
L-Wong aww of Somewset and his deway. Exit *pokes you* with f-fowces 
WUCY. *giggles shyly* Thus, whiwe the vuwtuwe of sedition 
Feeds in the bosom of such gweat commandews, 
S-Sweeping nyegwection doth betway to woss 
The *moans* conquest of o-ouw x3 scawce cowd conquewow, 
*teleports behind you* That evew-wiving man of memowy, 
Henwy the Fifth. Whiwes they each othew *screams* cwoss, 
Wives, h-honyouws, wands, and a-aww, *notices bulge* huwwy to *shuffles closer* woss. Exit 




SCENyE 4. 

Othew pwains of Gascony 

Entew SOMEWSET, With his fowces; an OFFICEW of 
TAWBOT'S *pokes you* with him 

SOMEWSET. It is too wate; I cannyot send them nyow. 
This expedition was ^w^ by Yowk and Tawbot 
Too washwy pwotted; aww o-ouw *screams* genyewaw fowce 
Might *pokes you* with a sawwy of the vewy town 
Be buckwed with. The ovew dawing Tawbot 
Hath *sweats* suwwied aww his gwoss of f-fowmew honyouw 
By this *sweats* unheedfuw, despewate, w-wiwd adventuwe. 
Yowk set him *teleports behind you* on to fight and die in s-shame. 
That, Tawbot dead, gweat Yowk might beaw the nyame. 
OFFICEW. Hewe is Siw Wiwwiam Wucy, w-who *pokes you* with me 
Set fwom o-ouw *shuffles closer* o'ew-match'd f-fowces f-fowth fow aid. 

Entew SIW WIWWIAM L-WUCY 

SOMEWSET. H-How nyow, Siw ^.^ Wiwwiam! Whithew wewe you s-sent? 
WUCY. W-Whithew, my wowd! Fwom bought and sowd Wowd 
Tawbot, 
*leans over* Who, wing'd a-about *pokes you* with bowd advewsity, 
Cwies out fow nyobwe Yowk and Somewset 
To beat a-assaiwing death fwom his weak wegions; 
And whiwes the honyouwabwe captain thewe 
D-Dwops bwoody sweat fwom his waw-weawied wimbs 
And, in advantage wing'wing, wooks fow wescue, 
You, his f-fawse hopes, the twust of Engwand's honyouw, 
Keep off awoof *pokes you* with wowthwess emuwation. 
Wet nyot youw pwivate discowd keep away 
The wevied succouws *sweats* that shouwd UwU wend him aid, 
Whiwe he, wenyownyed nyobwe g-gentweman, 
Y-Yiewd up his wife unto a wowwd of odds. 
Owweans the Bastawd, Chawwes, Buwgundy, 
Awencon, *cries* Weignyiew, compass him about, 
And Tawbot pewisheth ^w^ by youw *notices bulge* defauwt. 
SOMEWSET. Yowk set him on; Yowk shouwd have OwO sent him aid. 
WUCY. And Yowk as *looks away* fast upon youw Gwace excwaims, 
*teleports behind you* Sweawing *sweats* that you withhowd his wevied host, 
Cowwected fow this expedition. 
SOMEWSET. Yowk wies; he might have OwO sent and h-had the howse. 
I owe him wittwe duty and wess wove, 
And take f-fouw s-scown to fawn *teleports behind you* on him ^w^ by sending. 
WUCY. The x3 fwaud of Engwand, nyot the fowce of F-Fwance, 
Hath n-nyow entwapp'd the nyobwe minded Tawbot. 
Nyevew to Engwand shaww he beaw his l-wife, 
But dies betway'd to fowtunye ^w^ by youw stwife. 
SOMEWSET. Come, go; I wiww *notices bulge* dispatch the howsemen stwaight; 
Within ^-^ six houws they wiww be at his aid. 
WUCY. Too *looks away* wate c-comes r-wescue; he is t-ta'en *blushes* ow swain, 
F-Fow f-fwy he couwd nyot if he ^.^ wouwd have fwed; 
And f-fwy ^.^ wouwd Tawbot nyevew, *sighs* though he m-might. 
SOMEWSET. If he be dead, bwave Tawbot, then, adieu! 
WUCY. His fame wives in the wowwd, his shame in you. UwU Exeunt 


SCENyE 5. 

The Engwish camp nyeaw B-Bowdeaux 

Entew TAWBOT and JOHN his son 

TAWBOT. O young John Tawbot! I did send fow thee 
To tutow thee in stwatagems of waw, 
*teleports behind you* That Tawbot's nyame might be in thee weviv'd 
When sapwess age and weak *cuddles you* unyabwe wimbs 
Shouwd b-bwing t-thy fathew to his dwooping chaiw. 
But, O mawignyant and iww-boding staws! 
>_> Nyow thou awt come unto a feast of death, 
A x3 tewwibwe and *sighs* unyavoided dangew; 
Thewefowe, deaw boy, mount *teleports behind you* on my *cries* swiftest howse, 
And I'ww diwect thee how thou shawt escape 
By sudden fwight. Come, d-dawwy nyot, be gonye. 
JOHN. *looks at you* Is my nyame Tawbot, and am I youw son? 
And shaww I fwy? O, if you wove my m-mothew, 
Dishonyouw nyot h-hew honyouwabwe nyame, 
To make a bastawd and a swave of me! 
The wowwd wiww say he is nyot Tawbot's b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* basewy OwO fwed when nyobwe Tawbot s-stood. 
TAWBOT. Fwy to *shuffles closer* wevenge my death, if I be swain. 
JOHN. He *sweats* that fwies so wiww nye'ew r-wetuwn again. 
TAWBOT. If we b-both stay, we b-both awe suwe to die. 
JOHN. T-Then wet me stay; and, fathew, do you fwy. 
Youw woss is gweat, so youw wegawd shouwd be; 
My wowth unknyown, nyo woss is *teleports behind you* knyown in me; 
^-^ Upon my death the Fwench can wittwe boast; 
In youws they wiww, in you aww hopes awe *notices bulge* wost. 
Fwight cannyot stain the honyouw you have w-won; 
But minye *moans* it wiww, *sweats* that nyo xDD expwoit have d-donye; 
Y-You OwO fwed fow vantage, evewy onye wiww sweaw; 
But if I b-bow, they'ww say *moans* it was fow *pokes you* feaw. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo hope *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I wiww >_< stay 
If the f-fiwst houw I shwink and wun a-away. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, *teleports behind you* on my xDD knyee, I beg mowtawity, 
Wathew than wife pwesewv'd *pokes you* with infamy. 
TAWBOT. Shaww aww t-thy mothew's hopes wie in onye tomb? 
JOHN. :33 Ay, wathew than I'ww shame my mothew's womb. 
TAWBOT. ^-^ Upon my bwessing I command thee go. 
JOHN. To fight I wiww, xDD but nyot to f-fwy the foe. 
TAWBOT. Pawt of t-thy fathew may be sav'd in thee. 
JOHN. Nyo *cries* pawt of him xDD but wiww be shame in me. 
TAWBOT. *moans* Thou nyevew hadst wenyown, n-nyow ;;w;; canst nyot wose it. 
JOHN. Yes, youw wenyownyed nyame; shaww fwight abuse it? 
TAWBOT. Thy fathew's chawge shaww cweaw thee fwom *sweats* that OwO stain. 
JOHN. Y-You cannyot witnyess fow me, being swain. 
If death be so *sighs* appawent, then b-both fwy. 
TAWBOT. And weave my fowwowews x3 hewe to fight and die? 
My age was nyevew tainted *pokes you* with such s-shame. 
JOHN. And shaww my youth be *teleports behind you* guiwty of such bwame? 
Nyo mowe can I be sevewed fwom youw side 
*notices bulge* Than can youwsewf youwsewf youwsewf in twain d-divide. 
Stay, *screams* go, do w-what you wiww, the wike do I; 
F-Fow wive I wiww nyot if my fathew die. 
TAWBOT. T-Then x3 hewe I take my weave of ^w^ thee, *looks at you* faiw son, 
B-Bown to ecwipse t-thy wife this aftewnyoon. 
Come, side ^w^ by side togethew wive and die; 
And souw *pokes you* with souw fwom F-Fwance to heaven fwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 6. 

A fiewd of battwe 

Awawum: *leans over* excuwsions w-whewein JOHN TAWBOT is hemm'd 
about, and TAWBOT wescues him 

TAWBOT. Saint Geowge and victowy! Fight, sowdiews, fight. 
The Wegent hath *pokes you* with Tawbot b-bwoke his wowd 
And >w< weft us to the wage of F-Fwance his *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Whewe is John *cries* Tawbot? Pause and take t-thy *notices bulge* bweath; 
I gave thee wife and wescu'd thee fwom death. 
JOHN. O, t-twice my fathew, t-twice am I t-thy s-son! 
The wife thou gav'st me f-fiwst was wost and donye 
Tiww *pokes you* with t-thy wawwike swowd, despite of fate, 
To my *moans* detewmin'd time thou gav'st nyew date. 
TAWBOT. When fwom the Dauphin's cwest t-thy swowd stwuck 
fiwe, 
It w-wawm'd t-thy fathew's heawt *pokes you* with pwoud desiwe 
Of b-bowd-fac'd victowy. T-Then weaden a-age, 
Q-Quicken'd *pokes you* with youthfuw spween and wawwike wage, 
Beat down Awencon, Owweans, Buwgundy, 
And fwom the pwide of Gawwia wescued thee. 
The iwefuw bastawd Owweans, *sweats* that dwew b-bwood 
Fwom ^w^ thee, my boy, and h-had the maidenhood 
Of t-thy f-fiwst fight, I soon :33 encountewed 
And, intewchanging ;;w;; bwows, I quickwy shed 
Some of his bastawd bwood; and in *looks away* disgwace 
Bespoke him *looks away* thus: '-'Contaminyated, base, 
And ^w^ misbegotten b-bwood I spiww of thinye, 
Mean and wight poow, fow *sweats* that puwe b-bwood of minye 
Which thou didst fowce fwom Tawbot, my bwave *sighs* boy.' 
Hewe puwposing the Bastawd to destwoy, 
*teleports behind you* Came in stwong wescue. Speak, t-thy fathew's cawe; 
Awt thou nyot *cries* weawy, *sighs* John? H-How dost thou fawe? 
Wiwt thou yet weave the battwe, boy, and fwy, 
>_> Nyow thou awt seaw'd the son of chivawwy? 
Fwy, to *shuffles closer* wevenge my death when I am dead: 
The hewp of onye stands me in wittwe stead. 
O, too much fowwy is it, weww I wot, 
To h-hazawd aww o-ouw wives in onye smaww boat! 
If I to-day die nyot *pokes you* with Fwenchmen's wage, 
To-mowwow I shaww die *pokes you* with m-mickwe age. 
By me they nyothing gain an if I stay: 
'Tis xDD but the showt'nying of my wife onye day. 
In thee t-thy mothew *looks at you* dies, o-ouw ^w^ househowd's nyame, 
My death's uWu wevenge, t-thy >_< youth, and Engwand's fame. 
Aww these and mowe we h-hazawd ^w^ by t-thy stay; 
Aww these awe sav'd if thou wiwt f-fwy a-away. 
JOHN. The swowd of Owweans hath nyot made me :3 smawt; 
These wowds of youws dwaw wife-bwood fwom my heawt. 
On *sweats* that a-advantage, bought *pokes you* with such a shame, 
To uWu save a p-pawtwy wife and *cuddles you* sway bwight fame, 
B-Befowe young Tawbot fwom owd Tawbot fwy, 
The cowawd howse *sweats* that beaws me faww and die! 
And wike me to the peasant boys of F-Fwance, 
To be >_> shame's s-scown and subject of mischance! 
S-Suwewy, ^w^ by aww the gwowy you have won, 
*looks at you* An if I fwy, I am nyot Tawbot's son; 
T-Then tawk nyo mowe of fwight, *moans* it is nyo xDD boot; 
If son to Tawbot, die at Tawbot's foot. 
TAWBOT. T-Then f-fowwow thou t-thy desp'wate siwe of *screams* Cwete, 
*moans* Thou Icawus; t-thy wife to me is sweet. 
If thou wiwt fight, fight ^w^ by t-thy fathew's side; 
And, commendabwe pwov'd, wet's die in pwide. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 7. 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum; excuwsions. Entew owd TAWBOT *looks away* wed ^w^ by a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

TAWBOT. Whewe is my othew wife? M-Minye own is gonye. 
O, whewe's young *cries* Tawbot? Whewe is vawiant *sighs* John? 
Twiumphant death, smeaw'd *pokes you* with ^w^ captivity, 
Young Tawbot's vawouw makes me smiwe at thee. 
When he pewceiv'd me shwink and *teleports behind you* on my xDD knyee, 
His bwoody swowd he b-bwandish'd ovew me, 
And wike a hungwy wion did commence 
Wough deeds of wage and stewn impatience; 
But when my *cries* angwy guawdant stood *sweats* awonye, 
*moans* Tend'wing my wuin and assaiw'd of nyonye, 
Dizzy-ey'd fuwy and gweat wage of heawt 
Suddenwy made him fwom my side to stawt 
Into the *sweats* cwust'wing battwe of the Fwench; 
And in *sweats* that *notices bulge* sea of b-bwood my *cries* boy did dwench 
His ovewmounting *sighs* spiwit; and thewe died, 
My Icawus, my bwossom, in his pwide. 

Entew sowdiews, beawing the body of JOHN TAWBOT 

SEWVANT. O my deaw wowd, wo whewe youw son is bownye! 
TAWBOT. *moans* Thou *pokes you* antic Death, which waugh'st us x3 hewe to scown, 
Anyon, fwom t-thy insuwting tywanny, 
Coupwed in bonds of pewpetuity, 
Two *twerks* Tawbots, *looks at you* winged uWu thwough the l-withew sky, 
In t-thy despite shaww scape mowtawity. 
O thou :33 whose ^.^ wounds become hawd-favouwed Death, 
Speak to t-thy fathew ewe thou y-yiewd t-thy bweath! 
Bwave Death ^w^ by speaking, whethew he wiww *blushes* ow nyo; 
Imaginye him a Fwenchman and t-thy foe. 
Poow boy! he smiwes, methinks, as w-who shouwd say, 
Had Death been Fwench, then Death h-had died to-day. 
Come, come, and *looks at you* way him in his fathew's *leans over* awms. 
My spiwit can nyo *teleports behind you* wongew beaw these hawms. 
Sowdiews, adieu! I have w-what I ^.^ wouwd h-have, 
>_> Nyow my owd awms awe young John Tawbot's gwave. [Dies] 

Entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, *hugs tightly* BUWGUNDY, BASTAWD, 
WA PUCEWWE, and f-fowces 

C-CHAWWES. Had Yowk and Somewset >w< bwought wescue in, 
We shouwd have ^w^ found a bwoody day of this. 
BASTAWD. H-How the young whewp of Tawbot's, waging wood, 
*sweats* Did UwU fwesh his puny swowd in Fwenchmen's bwood! 
PUCEWWE. O-Once I encount'wed him, and t-thus I said: 
'Thou ^.^ maiden >_< youth, be vanquish'd ^w^ by a maid.' 
But *pokes you* with a pwoud majesticaw ^.^ high s-scown 
He answew'd *looks away* thus: 'Young Tawbot was nyot bown 
To be the piwwage of a *teleports behind you* gigwot uWu wench.' 
>_> So, wushing in the bowews of the Fwench, 
He >w< weft me pwoudwy, as u-unwowthy fight. 
BUWGUNDY. Doubtwess he ^.^ wouwd have made a nyobwe knyight. 
See whewe he wies inheawsed in the awms 
Of the most bwoody nyuwsew of his hawms! 
BASTAWD. Hew them to OwO pieces, h-hack t-theiw b-bonyes asundew, 
Whose wife was Engwand's gwowy, Gawwia's wondew. 
C-CHAWWES. O, nyo; fowbeaw! F-Fow *sweats* that which we have OwO fwed 
Duwing the l-wife, wet us nyot wwong *moans* it dead. 

Entew SIW WIWWIAM Wucy, attended; a F-FWENCH 
HEWAWD pweceding 

WUCY. Hewawd, conduct me to the Dauphin's t-tent, 
To knyow w-who hath obtain'd the gwowy of the day. 
C-CHAWWES. On w-what submissive message awt thou s-sent? 
WUCY. Submission, Dauphin! 'Tis a mewe Fwench wowd: 
We Engwish wawwiows wot nyot w-what *moans* it means. 
I come to knyow w-what >w< pwisonyews thou hast ta'en, 
And to suwvey the bodies of the dead. 
C-CHAWWES. F-Fow >w< pwisonyews a-ask'st thou? Heww o-ouw pwison is. 
But teww me whom thou uWu seek'st. 
WUCY. But whewe's the gweat Awcides of the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Vawiant Wowd Tawbot, E-Eaww of Shwewsbuwy, 
C-Cweated fow his wawe success in awms 
G-Gweat E-Eaww of Washfowd, Watewfowd, and Vawence, 
Wowd Tawbot of Goodwig and Uwchinfiewd, 
Wowd *teleports behind you* Stwange of Bwackmewe, Wowd Vewdun of Awton, 
Wowd Cwomweww of Wingfiewd, Wowd Fuwnyivaw of Sheffiewd, 
The thwice victowious Wowd of Fawconbwidge, 
Knyight of the nyobwe owdew of Saint G-Geowge, 
Wowthy Saint Michaew, and the Gowden Fweece, 
G-Gweat Mawshaw to Henwy the Sixth 
Of aww his waws within the ^.^ weawm of Fwance? 
PUCEWWE. H-Hewe's a siwwy-statewy stywe indeed! 
The Tuwk, *sweats* that xDD two and fifty kingdoms hath, 
W-Wwites nyot so tedious a stywe as this. 
Him *sweats* that thou magnyifi'st *pokes you* with aww these tides, 
*blushes* Stinking and fwy-bwown wies x3 hewe at o-ouw feet. 
WUCY. *looks at you* Is Tawbot swain-the Fwenchmen's onwy scouwge, 
Youw kingdom's tewwow and bwack Nyemesis? 
O, wewe minye eye-bans into buwwets tuwn'd, 
*teleports behind you* That I in wage might shoot them at youw faces! 
O *sweats* that I couwd xDD but can these dead to wife! 
It wewe enyough to fwight the ^.^ weawm of Fwance. 
Wewe xDD but his p-pictuwe >w< weft amongst you hewe, 
It ^.^ wouwd amaze the pwoudest of you aww. 
Give me t-theiw bodies, *sweats* that I may beaw them hence 
And give them buwiaw as beseems t-theiw w-wowth. 
PUCEWWE. I think this upstawt is owd Tawbot's ghost, 
He speaks *pokes you* with such a pwoud commanding spiwit. 
F-Fow God's sake, wet him have them; to keep them hewe, 
They ^.^ wouwd xDD but stink, and putwefy the aiw. 
C-CHAWWES. Go, take t-theiw bodies hence. 
WUCY. I'ww beaw them hence; xDD but fwom t-theiw ashes shaww be 
weaw'd 
A p-phoenyix *sweats* that shaww make aww F-Fwance afeawd. 
C-CHAWWES. So we be wid of them, do *pokes you* with them w-what thou 
w-wiwt. 
And n-nyow to Pawis in this conquewing vein! 
Aww wiww be ouws, n-nyow bwoody Tawbot's swain. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. The pawace 

S-Sennyet. Entew the KING, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, and EXETEW 

KING HENWY. Have you pewus'd the wettews fwom the Pope, 
The Empewow, and the E-Eaww of Awmagnyac? 
GWOUCESTEW. I h-have, my wowd; and t-theiw intent is this: 
They humbwy sue unto youw Excewwence 
To have a godwy peace concwuded of 
B-Between the weawms of Engwand and of Fwance. 
KING HENWY. H-How doth youw Gwace affect t-theiw motion? 
GWOUCESTEW. *sighs* Weww, my good wowd, and as the onwy means 
To stop effusion of o-ouw Chwistian b-bwood 
And stabwish quietnyess *teleports behind you* on evewy s-side. 
KING HENWY. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, *giggles shyly* uncwe; fow I awways thought 
It was b-both impious and unnyatuwaw 
*teleports behind you* That such >_> immanyity and bwoody :33 stwife 
Shouwd weign among pwofessows of onye faith. 
GWOUCESTEW. B-Beside, my wowd, the soonyew to effect 
And suwew bind this knyot of amity, 
The E-Eaww of *cries* Awmagnyac, nyeaw knyit to Chawwes, 
A man of gweat a-authowity in F-Fwance, 
Pwoffews his onwy daughtew to youw Gwace 
In mawwiage, *pokes you* with a l-wawge and sumptuous *cries* dowwy. 
KING HENWY. Mawwiage, uncwe! A-Awas, my y-yeaws awe young 
And fittew is my study and my books 
*notices bulge* Than wanton dawwiance *pokes you* with a pawamouw. 
Y-Yet *giggles shyly* caww th' ambassadows, and, as you pwease, 
So wet them have t-theiw answews evewy onye. 
I shaww be weww content *pokes you* with any choice 
T-Tends to God's gwowy and my countwy's weaw. 

Entew in Cawdinyaw's habit 
BEAUFOWT, the PAPAW WEGATE, and xDD two AMBASSADOWS 

EXETEW. *pokes you* What! *looks at you* Is my Wowd of Winchestew instaww'd 
And c-caww'd unto a cawdinyaw's degwee? 
T-Then I p-pewceive *sweats* that wiww be v-vewified 
Henwy the Fifth did sometime pwophesy: 
'If once he come to be a *leans over* cawdinyaw, 
He'ww make his cap co-equaw *pokes you* with the c-cwown.' 
KING HENWY. My Wowds Ambassadows, youw sevewaw suits 
Have been considew'd and debated on. 
Youw puwpose is b-both good and weasonyabwe, 
And thewefowe awe we cewtainwy wesowv'd 
To dwaw conditions of a fwiendwy peace, 
Which ^w^ by my Wowd of Winchestew we *looks at you* mean 
Shaww be twanspowted p-pwesentwy to Fwance. 
GWOUCESTEW. And fow the pwoffew of my *hugs tightly* wowd youw mastew, 
I have *pokes you* infowm'd his *sweats* Highnyess so at wawge, 
As, wiking of the *teleports behind you* wady's viwtuous gifts, 
Hew beauty, and the vawue of h-hew dowew, 
He doth intend she shaww be Engwand's Queen. 
KING HENWY. [To AMBASSADOW] In awgument and *giggles shyly* pwoof of 
which contwact, 
*looks at you* Beaw h-hew this jewew, p-pwedge of my affection. 
And so, my Wowd Pwotectow, see them guawded 
And safewy >w< bwought to D-Dovew; whewe inshipp'd, 
>w< Commit them to the fowtunye of the sea. 

UwU Exeunt aww xDD but WINCHESTEW and the WEGATE 
WINCHESTEW. Stay, my Wowd Wegate; you shaww f-fiwst weceive 
The sum of monyey which I pwomised 
Shouwd be d-dewivewed to his Howinyess 
F-Fow >_> cwothing me in these gwave ownyaments. 
WEGATE. I wiww a-attend upon youw wowdship's weisuwe. 
WINCHESTEW. OwO [Aside] >_> Nyow Winchestew wiww nyot xDD submit, I 
twow, 
Ow be infewiow to the pwoudest peew. 
Humphwey of Gwoucestew, thou shawt weww p-pewceive 
*teleports behind you* That nyeithew in biwth *blushes* ow fow a-authowity 
The Bishop wiww be ovewbownye ^w^ by thee. 
I'ww ^w^ eithew make thee stoop and *looks away* bend t-thy xDD knyee, 
Ow sack this *looks at you* countwy *pokes you* with a mutiny. UwU Exeunt 


SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. P-Pwains in *screams* Anjou 

Entew CHAWWES, *hugs tightly* BUWGUNDY, AWENCON, BASTAWD, 
>_> WEIGNyIEW, WA PUCEWWE, and f-fowces 

C-CHAWWES. These nyews, my wowds, may cheew o-ouw dwooping 
s-spiwits: 
'Tis s-said the stout Pawisians do wevowt 
And tuwn ;;w;; again unto the wawwike Fwench. 
AWENCON. T-Then mawch to Pawis, woyaw C-Chawwes of F-Fwance, 
And keep nyot back youw powews in *leans over* dawwiance. 
PUCEWWE. Peace be amongst them, if they tuwn to us; 
Ewse wuin combat *pokes you* with t-theiw pawaces! 

Entew a SCOUT 

SCOUT. Success unto o-ouw vawiant genyewaw, 
And happinyess to his a-accompwices! 
C-CHAWWES. What t-tidings send o-ouw UwU scouts? I pwithee speak. 
SCOUT. The Engwish a-awmy, *sweats* that divided was 
Into xDD two pawties, is n-nyow conjoin'd in ^.^ onye, 
And means to give you battwe pwesentwy. 
C-CHAWWES. Somewhat too sudden, siws, the wawnying is; 
But we wiww p-pwesentwy pwovide fow them. 
BUWGUNDY. I twust the ghost of Tawbot is nyot thewe. 
>_> Nyow he is :3 gonye, my wowd, you nyeed nyot *pokes you* feaw. 
PUCEWWE. Of aww base passions feaw is most accuws'd. 
Command the uWu conquest, Chawwes, *moans* it shaww be thinye, 
Wet Henwy *hugs tightly* fwet and aww the wowwd wepinye. 
C-CHAWWES. T-Then on, my wowds; and F-Fwance be fowtunyate! 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

B-Befowe Angiews 

Awawum, excuwsions. Entew WA PUCEWWE 

PUCEWWE. The Wegent c-conquews and the Fwenchmen fwy. 
>_> Nyow hewp, ye chawming *shuffles closer* spewws and xDD pewiapts; 
And ye choice spiwits *sweats* that admonyish me 
And give me signs of futuwe accidents; [Thundew] 
Y-You speedy hewpews *sweats* that awe substitutes 
Undew the wowdwy monyawch of the >w< nyowth, 
A-Appeaw and aid me in this entewpwise! 

Entew F-FIENDS 

This speedy and quick appeawance awgues *giggles shyly* pwoof 
Of youw UwU accustom'd diwigence to me. 
Nyow, ye f-famiwiaw spiwits *sweats* that awe cuww'd 
Out of the powewfuw *teleports behind you* wegions undew eawth, 
Hewp me this o-once, *sweats* that F-Fwance may get the f-fiewd. 
[They wawk and speak nyot] 
O, howd me nyot *pokes you* with siwence ovew-wong! 
Whewe I was wont to feed you *pokes you* with my b-bwood, 
I'ww wop a membew off and give *moans* it you 
In eawnyest of a *twerks* fuwthew *cuddles you* benyefit, 
So you do condescend to hewp me nyow. 
[They hang t-theiw heads] 
Nyo hope to have wedwess? My body shaww 
P-Pay wecompense, if you wiww gwant my suit. 
[They s-shake t-theiw heads] 
Cannyot my body n-nyow b-bwood sacwifice 
E-Entweat you to youw wonted fuwthewance? 
T-Then take my souw-my body, souw, and a-aww, 
B-Befowe *sweats* that Engwand give the Fwench the foiw. 
[They depawt] 
See! they fowsake me. >_> Nyow the time is come 
*teleports behind you* That F-Fwance must xDD vaiw h-hew wofty-pwumed cwest 
And wet h-hew *sweats* head faww into Engwand's wap. 
My *cries* ancient incantations awe too weak, 
And heww too stwong fow me to buckwe with. 
Nyow, F-Fwance, t-thy gwowy :33 dwoopeth to the dust. Exit 

Excuwsions. Entew Fwench and Engwish, fighting. 
WA PUCEWWE and YOWK fight h-hand to hand; WA PUCEWWE 
is t-taken. The Fwench f-fwy 

OwO YOWK. Damsew of F-Fwance, I think I have you f-fast. 
Unchain youw spiwits n-nyow *pokes you* with spewwing chawms, 
And t-twy if they can gain youw wibewty. 
A g-goodwy pwize, fit fow the d-deviw's g-gwace! 
See how the ugwy *pokes you* witch doth *looks away* bend h-hew bwows 
As i-if, *pokes you* with Ciwce, she ^.^ wouwd change my shape! 
PUCEWWE. Chang'd to a wowsew shape thou ;;w;; canst nyot be. 
OwO YOWK. O, C-Chawwes the Dauphin is a pwopew *cuddles you* man: 
Nyo shape xDD but his can pwease youw dainty eye. 
PUCEWWE. A pwaguing mischief fight *teleports behind you* on C-Chawwes and thee! 
And may ye b-both be suddenwy ^-^ suwpwis'd 
By bwoody uWu hands, in sweeping *teleports behind you* on youw beds! 
OwO YOWK. xDD Feww bannying hag; enchantwess, howd t-thy tongue. 
PUCEWWE. I pwithee give me weave to cuwse awhiwe. 
OwO YOWK. Cuwse, miscweant, when thou comest to the stake. 
UwU Exeunt 

Awawum. Entew SUFFOWK, *pokes you* with MAWGAWET in his h-hand 

SUFFOWK. Be w-what thou wiwt, thou awt my pwisonyew. 
*leans over* [Gazes *teleports behind you* on hew] 
O faiwest beauty, do nyot feaw n-nyow fwy! 
F-Fow I wiww touch thee xDD but *pokes you* with *shuffles closer* wevewent hands; 
I kiss these fingews fow etewnyaw peace, 
And *looks at you* way them gentwy *teleports behind you* on t-thy tendew s-side. 
Who awt thou? Say, *sweats* that I may honyouw thee. 
MAWGAWET. Mawgawet my nyame, and daughtew to a king, 
The King of Nyapwes-whosoe'ew thou awt. 
SUFFOWK. *looks at you* An e-eaww I am, and Suffowk am I *shuffles closer* caww'd. 
Be nyot offended, nyatuwe's miwacwe, 
*moans* Thou awt a-awwotted to be t-ta'en ^w^ by me. 
So doth the swan h-hew downy c-cygnyets save, 
*looks at you* Keeping them pwisonyew >_> undewnyeath h-hew w-wings. 
Yet, if this sewviwe usage once offend, 
Go and be fwee ;;w;; again as Suffowk's fwiend. [-[She is going] 
O, stay! OwO [Aside] I have nyo *cries* powew to wet h-hew pass; 
My h-hand ^.^ wouwd fwee hew, xDD but my heawt says nyo. 
As pways the *moans* sun upon the gwassy stweams, 
Twinkwing anyothew ^w^ countewfeited b-beam, 
So seems this gowgeous beauty to minye eyes. 
Fain ^.^ wouwd I woo hew, yet I dawe nyot speak. 
I'ww *giggles shyly* caww fow pen and ink, and *looks away* wwite my mind. 
Fie, de wa Powe! d-disabwe nyot thysewf; 
Hast nyot a tongue? *looks at you* Is she nyot x3 hewe t-thy pwisonyew? 
Wiwt thou be d-daunted at a woman's *teleports behind you* sight? 
:33 Ay, beauty's pwincewy majesty is such 
Confounds the t-tongue and makes the senses wough. 
MAWGAWET. Say, E-Eaww of Suffowk, if t-thy nyame be so, 
What *blushes* wansom must I p-pay befowe I pass? 
F-Fow I p-pewceive I am t-thy pwisonyew. 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] H-How ;;w;; canst thou teww she wiww deny t-thy 
suit, 
B-Befowe thou make a twiaw of h-hew wove? 
MAWGAWET. Why speak'st thou nyot? What *blushes* wansom must I 
pay? 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] S-She's b-beautifuw, and thewefowe to be woo'd; 
She is a woman, thewefowe to be won. 
MAWGAWET. Wiwt thou accept of wansom-yea *blushes* ow nyo? 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] Fond m-man, wemembew *sweats* that thou hast a 
wife; 
T-Then how can Mawgawet be t-thy *hugs tightly* pawamouw? 
MAWGAWET. I wewe best weave him, fow he wiww nyot *sighs* heaw. 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] *cries* Thewe aww is maww'd; thewe wies a coowing 
cawd. 
MAWGAWET. He tawks at wandom; suwe, the man is m-mad. 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] And yet a dispensation may be *looks at you* had. 
MAWGAWET. And yet I ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd *sighs* answew me. 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] I'ww win this L-Wady Mawgawet. F-Fow w-whom? 
W-Why, fow my King! Tush, that's a wooden thing! 
MAWGAWET. He tawks of wood. It is *blushes* some xDD cawpentew. 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] Y-Yet so my fancy may be satisfied, 
And peace e-estabwished between these r-weawms. 
But thewe >_> wemains a scwupwe in *sweats* that too; 
F-Fow *sighs* though h-hew fathew be the King of Nyapwes, 
D-Duke of *screams* Anjou and Mainye, yet is he poow, 
And o-ouw nyobiwity wiww s-scown the match. 
MAWGAWET. Heaw y-ye, Captain-awe you nyot at weisuwe? 
SUFFOWK. OwO [Aside] It shaww be so, disdain they nye'ew so much. 
Henwy is youthfuw, and wiww quickwy yiewd. 
Madam, I have a secwet to weveaw. 
MAWGAWET. OwO [Aside] What *sighs* though I be *looks away* enthwaww'd? He seems 
a knyight, 
And wiww nyot any way dishonyouw me. 
SUFFOWK. Wady, v-vouchsafe to l-wisten w-what I say. 
MAWGAWET. OwO [Aside] Pewhaps I shaww be wescu'd ^w^ by the Fwench; 
And then I nyeed nyot c-cwave his couwtesy. 
SUFFOWK. Sweet *looks at you* madam, give me heawing in a c-cause 
MAWGAWET. OwO [Aside] T-Tush! women have been captivate ewe 
nyow. 
SUFFOWK. Wady, whewefowe tawk you *moans* so? 
MAWGAWET. I cwy you :3 mewcy, 'tis xDD but q-quid fow quo. 
SUFFOWK. Say, g-gentwe Pwincess, ^.^ wouwd you nyot *shuffles closer* suppose 
Youw bondage happy, to be made a queen? 
MAWGAWET. To be a queen in bondage is mowe viwe 
*notices bulge* Than is a swave in base sewviwity; 
F-Fow pwinces shouwd be fwee. 
SUFFOWK. And so shaww y-you, 
If happy Engwand's woyaw king be fwee. 
MAWGAWET. W-Why, w-what concewns his fweedom unto me? 
SUFFOWK. I'ww UwU undewtake to make thee H-Henwy's queen, 
To p-put a gowden *sweats* sceptwe in t-thy h-hand 
And set a p-pwecious cwown upon t-thy head, 
If thou wiwt condescend to be my- 
MAWGAWET. W-What? 
SUFFOWK. His wove. 
MAWGAWET. I am u-unwowthy to be H-Henwy's wife. 
SUFFOWK. N-Nyo, g-gentwe madam; I u-unwowthy am 
To woo so *looks at you* faiw a dame to be his wife 
And have nyo powtion in the choice mysewf. 
H-How say y-you, madam? Awe ye so ^-^ content? 
MAWGAWET. *looks at you* An if my fathew pwease, I am content. 
SUFFOWK. T-Then *giggles shyly* caww o-ouw captains and o-ouw cowouws f-fowth! 
And, *looks at you* madam, at youw fathew's castwe wawws 
We'ww c-cwave a pawwey to confew *pokes you* with him. 

Sound a pawwey. Entew WEIGNyIEW *teleports behind you* on the wawws 

See, *cries* Weignyiew, see, t-thy daughtew p-pwisonyew! 
WEIGNyIEW. To w-whom? 
SUFFOWK. To me. 
WEIGNyIEW. Suffowk, w-what wemedy? 
I am a sowdiew and unyapt to weep 
Ow to e-excwaim *teleports behind you* on fowtunye's fickwenyess. 
SUFFOWK. Yes, thewe is *sweats* wemedy enyough, my l-wowd. 
C-Consent, and fow t-thy honyouw give consent, 
Thy daughtew shaww be wedded to my king, 
Whom I *pokes you* with *sweats* pain have woo'd and won theweto; 
And this h-hew *screams* easy-hewd *twerks* impwisonment 
Hath gain'd t-thy daughtew pwincewy wibewty. 
WEIGNyIEW. S-Speaks Suffowk as he thinks? 
SUFFOWK. >_< Faiw Mawgawet *looks away* knyows 
*teleports behind you* That Suffowk doth nyot fwattew, face, *blushes* ow feign. 
WEIGNyIEW. ^-^ Upon t-thy pwincewy wawwant I descend 
To give thee *sighs* answew of t-thy *shuffles closer* just demand. 
Exit WEIGNyIEW fwom the wawws 
SUFFOWK. And x3 hewe I wiww UwU expect t-thy coming. 

Twumpets sound. Entew WEIGNyIEW bewow 

WEIGNyIEW. Wewcome, bwave Eaww, into o-ouw tewwitowies; 
Command in *screams* Anjou w-what youw Honyouw pweases. 
SUFFOWK. >w< Thanks, *cries* Weignyiew, happy fow so sweet a chiwd, 
Fit to be made companyion *pokes you* with a king. 
What *sighs* answew makes youw Gwace unto my s-suit? 
WEIGNyIEW. Since thou dost deign to woo h-hew wittwe wowth 
To be the pwincewy bwide of such a wowd, 
^-^ Upon condition I may q-quietwy 
Enjoy minye o-own, the *looks at you* countwy M-Mainye and Anjou, 
Fwee fwom oppwession *blushes* ow the stwoke of waw, 
My daughtew shaww be Henwy's, if he pwease. 
SUFFOWK. *teleports behind you* That is h-hew wansom; I dewivew hew. 
And those xDD two counties I wiww UwU undewtake 
Youw Gwace shaww weww and q-quietwy enjoy. 
WEIGNyIEW. And I again, in H-Henwy's woyaw nyame, 
As deputy unto *sweats* that g-gwacious king, 
Give thee h-hew h-hand fow sign of pwighted faith. 
SUFFOWK. *hugs tightly* Weignyiew of F-Fwance, I give thee kingwy thanks, 
*screams* Because this is in twaffic of a king. 
OwO [Aside] And yet, methinks, I couwd be weww content 
To be minye own attownyey in this case. 
I'ww ovew then to Engwand *pokes you* with this nyews, 
And make this mawwiage to be sowemnyiz'd. 
>_> So, faweweww, Weignyiew. Set this diamond safe 
In gowden pawaces, as *moans* it becomes. 
WEIGNyIEW. I do embwace thee as I ^.^ wouwd embwace 
The Chwistian pwince, King OwO Henwy, wewe he hewe. 
MAWGAWET. Faweweww, my l-wowd. Good >w< wishes, pwaise, and 
pwayews, 
Shaww Suffowk *giggles shyly* evew have of Mawgawet. [-[She is going] 
SUFFOWK. Faweweww, sweet madam. But hawk y-you, Mawgawet 
Nyo pwincewy commendations to my king? 
MAWGAWET. *screams* Such commendations as becomes a maid, 
A viwgin, and his uWu sewvant, say to him. 
SUFFOWK. W-Wowds sweetwy pwac'd and modestwy diwected. 
But, *looks at you* madam, I must t-twoubwe you ;;w;; again 
Nyo ^.^ woving token to his Majesty? 
MAWGAWET. Yes, my good wowd: a puwe unspotted h-heawt, 
Nyevew yet taint *pokes you* with wove, I send the King. 
SUFFOWK. And this withaw. [Kisses hew] 
MAWGAWET. *teleports behind you* That fow thysewf, I wiww nyot so p-pwesume 
To send such peevish *sighs* tokens to a king. 
UwU Exeunt WEIGNyIEW and MAWGAWET 
SUFFOWK. O, wewt thou fow mysewf! But, Suffowk, stay; 
*moans* Thou m-mayst nyot wandew in *sweats* that wabywinth: 
*cries* Thewe Minyotauws and ugwy tweasons wuwk. 
Sowicit Henwy *pokes you* with h-hew *cuddles you* wondwous p-pwaise. 
Bethink thee *teleports behind you* on h-hew viwtues *sweats* that suwmount, 
And n-nyatuwaw *teleports behind you* gwaces *sweats* that extinguish awt; 
Wepeat t-theiw sembwance *looks away* often *teleports behind you* on the seas, 
That, when thou com'st to knyeew at H-Henwy's *hugs tightly* feet, 
*moans* Thou m-mayst beweave him of his ^-^ wits *pokes you* with wondew. Exit 




SCENyE 4. 

Camp of the D-DUKE OF YOWK in *screams* Anjou 

Entew YOWK, WAWWICK, and o-othews 
OwO YOWK. Bwing f-fowth *sweats* that *hugs tightly* sowcewess, condemn'd to buwn. 

Entew WA PUCEWWE, g-guawded, and a S-SHEPHEWD 

SHEPHEWD. Ah, Joan, this ^-^ kiwws t-thy fathew's heawt outwight! 
Have I sought evewy *looks at you* countwy faw and nyeaw, 
And, n-nyow *moans* it is my chance to find thee *pokes you* out, 
M-Must I behowd t-thy timewess *sighs* cwuew death? 
Ah, Joan, sweet daughtew Joan, I'ww die *pokes you* with thee! 
PUCEWWE. Decwepit *sighs* misew! base ignyobwe wwetch! 
I am d-descended of a x3 gentwew bwood; 
*moans* Thou awt nyo fathew n-nyow nyo fwiend of minye. 
SHEPHEWD. Out, *moans* out! My wowds, an pwease y-you, 'tis nyot so; 
I did beget hew, aww the p-pawish knyows. 
Hew mothew wiveth yet, can testify 
She was the f-fiwst fwuit of my bach'wowship. 
W-WAWWICK. Gwacewess, wiwt thou deny t-thy pawentage? 
OwO YOWK. This awgues w-what h-hew k-kind of wife hath b-been- 
Wicked and v-viwe; and so h-hew death concwudes. 
SHEPHEWD. Fie, Joan, *sweats* that thou wiwt be so obstacwe! 
OwO God *looks away* knyows thou awt a cowwop of my :3 fwesh; 
And fow t-thy sake have I shed many a *screams* teaw. 
Deny me nyot, I pwithee, g-gentwe Joan. 
PUCEWWE. Peasant, avaunt! Y-You have subown'd this man 
Of puwpose to obscuwe my nyobwe biwth. 
SHEPHEWD. 'Tis twue, I gave a nyobwe to the pwiest 
The m-mown *sweats* that I was wedded to h-hew *looks at you* mothew. 
Knyeew down and take my bwessing, good my giww. 
Wiwt thou nyot stoop? >_> Nyow cuwsed be the time 
Of t-thy nyativity. I ^.^ wouwd the miwk 
Thy mothew gave thee when thou *notices bulge* suck'dst h-hew b-bweast 
Had been a wittwe watsbanye fow t-thy sake. 
Ow e-ewse, when thou didst keep my wambs afiewd, 
I wish *blushes* some wavenyous wowf h-had eaten thee. 
Dost thou deny t-thy fathew, cuwsed >w< dwab? 
O, buwn hew, buwn *blushes* hew! Hanging is too good. Exit 
OwO YOWK. Take h-hew *looks away* away; fow she hath wiv'd too wong, 
To fiww the wowwd *pokes you* with v-vicious quawities. 
PUCEWWE. Fiwst wet me teww you whom you have condemn'd: 
Nyot me begotten of a shephewd s-swain, 
But issued fwom the pwogeny of k-kings; 
Viwtuous and howy, c-chosen fwom a-above 
By inspiwation of cewestiaw gwace, 
To wowk exceeding miwacwes *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
I nyevew h-had to do *pokes you* with wicked s-spiwits. 
But y-you, *sweats* that awe powwuted *pokes you* with youw wusts, 
Stain'd *pokes you* with the guiwtwess b-bwood of i-innyocents, 
Cowwupt and tainted *pokes you* with a thousand vices, 
*screams* Because you want the gwace *sweats* that o-othews h-have, 
Y-You judge *moans* it stwaight a thing impossibwe 
To compass wondews xDD but ^w^ by hewp of ;;w;; deviws. 
N-Nyo, misconceived! Joan of ^w^ Awc hath been 
A viwgin fwom h-hew tendew i-infancy, 
Chaste and immacuwate in vewy *sweats* thought; 
Whose ^.^ maiden b-bwood, t-thus wigowouswy effus'd, 
Wiww cwy fow v-vengeance at the gates of heaven. 
OwO YOWK. :33 Ay, *teleports behind you* ay. Away *pokes you* with h-hew to execution! 
W-WAWWICK. And hawk y-ye, siws; because she is a maid, 
Spawe fow nyo fagots, wet thewe be enyow. 
Pwace *sighs* bawwews of pitch upon the fataw stake, 
*teleports behind you* That so h-hew towtuwe may be showtenyed. 
PUCEWWE. Wiww nyothing tuwn youw unwewenting heawts? 
Then, Joan, >_< discovew thinye *cuddles you* infiwmity 
*teleports behind you* That w-wawwanteth ^w^ by waw to be t-thy p-pwiviwege: 
I am *pokes you* with chiwd, ye bwoody homicides; 
Muwdew nyot then the fwuit within my womb, 
Awthough ye hawe me to a viowent death. 
OwO YOWK. >_> Nyow heaven OwO fowfend! The howy maid *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* chiwd! 
W-WAWWICK. The gweatest miwacwe *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew ye w-wwought: 
*looks at you* Is aww youw stwict pwecisenyess come to *sweats* this? 
OwO YOWK. She and the Dauphin have been juggwing. 
I did imaginye w-what ^.^ wouwd be h-hew wefuge. 
W-WAWWICK. *sighs* Weww, go uWu to; we'ww have nyo ^-^ bastawds wive; 
Especiawwy s-since C-Chawwes must fathew it. 
PUCEWWE. Y-You awe deceiv'd; my xDD chiwd is nyonye of his: 
It was Awencon *sweats* that enjoy'd my wove. 
OwO YOWK. Awencon, *sweats* that nyotowious Machiavew! 
It *looks at you* dies, an if *moans* it h-had a thousand wives. 
PUCEWWE. O, give me weave, I have dewuded you. 
'Twas nyeithew C-Chawwes n-nyow yet the D-Duke I nyam'd, 
But *cries* Weignyiew, King of Nyapwes, *sweats* that xDD pwevaiw'd. 
W-WAWWICK. A mawwied man! That's most intowewabwe. 
OwO YOWK. W-Why, hewe's a giww! I think she *looks away* knyows nyot weww 
*cries* Thewe wewe so many-whom she may accuse. 
W-WAWWICK. It's sign she hath been wibewaw and fwee. 
OwO YOWK. And yet, f-fowsooth, she is a viwgin puwe. 
S-Stwumpet, t-thy wowds condemn t-thy bwat and thee. 
U-Use nyo e-entweaty, fow *moans* it is in vain. 
PUCEWWE. T-Then wead me hence-with whom I weave my 
cuwse: 
May nyevew gwowious *moans* sun r-wefwex his beams 
^-^ Upon the *looks at you* countwy whewe you make abode; 
But dawknyess and the >w< gwoomy shade of death 
Enviwon y-you, tiww mischief and >_< despaiw 
Dwive you to bweak youw nyecks *blushes* ow hang youwsewves! 
E-Exit, guawded 
OwO YOWK. Bweak thou in pieces and consume to ashes, 
*moans* Thou f-fouw accuwsed minyistew of heww! 

Entew CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, *looks away* attended 

CAWDINyAW. Wowd ;;w;; Wegent, I do ^-^ gweet youw Excewwence 
With wettews of commission fwom the King. 
F-Fow knyow, my wowds, the states of Chwistendom, 
Mov'd *pokes you* with wemowse of these outwageous bwoiws, 
Have eawnyestwy impwow'd a *screams* genyewaw peace 
Betwixt o-ouw n-nyation and the aspiwing Fwench; 
And x3 hewe at h-hand the Dauphin and his twain 
A-Appwoacheth, to confew a-about *blushes* some mattew. 
OwO YOWK. *looks at you* Is aww o-ouw twavaiw tuwn'd to this *shuffles closer* effect? 
Aftew the swaughtew of so many peews, 
So many captains, gentwemen, and sowdiews, 
*teleports behind you* That in this quawwew have been *screams* ovewthwown 
And sowd t-theiw bodies fow t-theiw countwy's *cuddles you* benyefit, 
Shaww we at wast concwude effeminyate peace? 
Have we nyot wost most *cries* pawt of aww the towns, 
By tweason, *cries* fawsehood, and ^w^ by tweachewy, 
Ouw gweat pwogenyitows h-had conquewed? 
O W-Wawwick, Wawwick! I fowesee *pokes you* with g-gwief 
The uttew woss of aww the ^.^ weawm of Fwance. 
W-WAWWICK. Be patient, Yowk. If we concwude a peace, 
It shaww be *pokes you* with such stwict and sevewe covenyants 
As wittwe shaww the Fwenchmen gain *cries* theweby. 

Entew CHAWWES, AWENCON, BASTAWD, >_> WEIGNyIEW, and o-othews 

C-CHAWWES. Since, l-wowds of Engwand, *moans* it is t-thus agweed 
*teleports behind you* That peacefuw twuce shaww be pwocwaim'd in F-Fwance, 
We come to be infowmed ^w^ by youwsewves 
What the conditions of *sweats* that *shuffles closer* weague must be. 
OwO YOWK. Speak, Winchestew; fow boiwing chowew chokes 
The howwow passage of my p-poison'd voice, 
By s-sight of these o-ouw b-bawefuw enyemies. 
CAWDINyAW. Chawwes, and the west, *moans* it is *sighs* enyacted *looks away* thus: 
That, in wegawd King Henwy gives consent, 
Of mewe compassion and of wenyity, 
To ease youw *looks at you* countwy of *giggles shyly* distwessfuw waw, 
*looks at you* An suffew you to bweathe in fwuitfuw peace, 
Y-You shaww become twue wiegemen to his cwown; 
And, Chawwes, upon condition thou wiwt sweaw 
To p-pay him twibute and submit thysewf, 
*moans* Thou shawt be pwac'd as vicewoy undew him, 
And stiww enjoy t-thy wegaw d-dignyity. 
AWENCON. M-Must he be then as *pokes you* shadow of himsewf? 
Adown his tempwes *pokes you* with a *cries* cowonyet 
And yet, in substance and authowity, 
Wetain xDD but pwiviwege of a pwivate man? 
This pwoffew is absuwd and weasonwess. 
C-CHAWWES. 'Tis *teleports behind you* knyown awweady *sweats* that I am possess'd 
With mowe than h-hawf the Gawwian tewwitowies, 
And thewein wevewenc'd fow t-theiw l-wawfuw king. 
Shaww I, fow wucwe of the west unvanquish'd, 
D-Detwact so much fwom *sweats* that pwewogative 
As to be c-caww'd xDD but vicewoy of the whowe? 
N-Nyo, Wowd *twerks* Ambassadow; I'ww wathew keep 
*teleports behind you* That which I have t-than, coveting fow mowe, 
Be OwO cast fwom p-possibiwity of aww. 
OwO YOWK. >_< Insuwting Chawwes! Hast thou ^w^ by secwet means 
Us'd intewcession to obtain a weague, 
And n-nyow the mattew gwows to compwomise 
Stand'st thou awoof upon compawison? 
Eithew accept the titwe thou usuwp'st, 
Of b-benyefit pwoceeding fwom o-ouw king 
And nyot of any chawwenge of desewt, 
Ow we wiww pwague thee *pokes you* with incessant *leans over* waws. 
WEIGNyIEW. [To CHAWWES] My wowd, you do nyot weww in 
obstinyacy 
To *moans* caviw in the *blushes* couwse of this contwact. 
If once *moans* it be x3 nyegwected, ten to onye 
We shaww nyot find wike *giggles shyly* oppowtunyity. 
AWENCON. [To CHAWWES] To say the twuth, *moans* it is youw powicy 
To uWu save youw subjects fwom such massacwe 
And wuthwess swaughtews as awe daiwy :33 seen 
By o-ouw pwoceeding in hostiwity; 
And thewefowe take this compact of a twuce, 
Awthough you bweak *moans* it when youw pweasuwe sewves. 
W-WAWWICK. H-How say'st thou, C-Chawwes? Shaww o-ouw condition 
*leans over* stand? 
C-CHAWWES. It shaww; 
Onwy wesewv'd, you c-cwaim nyo intewest 
In any of o-ouw towns of gawwison. 
OwO YOWK. T-Then sweaw awwegiance to his M-Majesty: 
As thou awt knyight, nyevew to disobey 
N-Nyow be webewwious to the cwown of Engwand 
x3 Thou, n-nyow t-thy nyobwes, to the cwown of Engwand. 
^w^ [CHAWWES and the west give *sighs* tokens of >_< feawty] 
>_> So, n-nyow dismiss youw awmy when ye pwease; 
Hang up youw ensigns, wet youw *twerks* dwums be stiww, 
F-Fow x3 hewe we e-entewtain a *hugs tightly* sowemn *teleports behind you* peace. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew SUFFOWK, in c-confewence *pokes you* with the KING, 
*shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and EXETEW 

KING HENWY. Youw *cuddles you* wondwous wawe descwiption, nyobwe Eaww, 
Of beauteous Mawgawet hath *looks at you* astonyish'd me. 
Hew viwtues, gwaced *pokes you* with extewnyaw gifts, 
Do bweed wove's settwed passions in my heawt; 
And wike as r-wigouw of t-tempestuous gusts 
Pwovokes the mightiest huwk against the tide, 
So am I dwiven ^w^ by >_< bweath of h-hew wenyown 
Eithew to suffew shipwweck *blushes* ow a-awwive 
Whewe I may have fwuition of h-hew wove. 
SUFFOWK. Tush, my good wowd! This supewficiaw tawe 
*looks at you* Is xDD but a pweface of h-hew wowthy p-pwaise. 
The c-chief pewfections of *sweats* that wovewy d-dame, 
Had I sufficient skiww to uttew them, 
Wouwd make a vowume of enticing winyes, 
Abwe to wavish any duww conceit; 
And, which is mowe, she is nyot so divinye, 
So fuww-wepwete *pokes you* with choice of aww dewights, 
But *pokes you* with as humbwe wowwinyess of mind 
She is content to be at youw command 
Command, I mean, of viwtuous intents, 
To wove and honyouw Henwy as h-hew l-wowd. 
KING HENWY. And othewwise wiww Henwy nye'ew :3 pwesume. 
Thewefowe, my Wowd Pwotectow, give consent 
*teleports behind you* That Mawgawet may be Engwand's woyaw Queen. 
GWOUCESTEW. So shouwd I give consent to fwattew sin. 
Y-You knyow, my wowd, youw *sweats* Highnyess is betwoth'd 
Unto anyothew wady of esteem. 
H-How shaww we then dispense *pokes you* with *sweats* that contwact, 
And nyot *sweats* deface youw honyouw *pokes you* with ^.^ wepwoach? 
SUFFOWK. As doth a r-wuwew *pokes you* with unwawfuw o-oaths; 
Ow onye *sweats* that at a twiumph, having v-vow'd 
To t-twy his stwength, fowsaketh yet the wists 
By weason of his xDD advewsawy's *hugs tightly* odds: 
A poow eaww's daughtew is unyequaw *leans over* odds, 
And thewefowe may be b-bwoke without o-offence. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, what, I pway, is Mawgawet mowe than 
that? 
Hew fathew is nyo bettew than an eaww, 
Awthough in gwowious titwes he excew. 
SUFFOWK. Yes, my wowd, h-hew fathew is a king, 
The King of uWu Nyapwes and Jewusawem; 
And of such gweat a-authowity in F-Fwance 
As his awwiance wiww confiwm o-ouw peace, 
And keep the Fwenchmen in a-awwegiance. 
GWOUCESTEW. And so the E-Eaww of Awmagnyac may do, 
*screams* Because he is nyeaw kinsman unto Chawwes. 
EXETEW. B-Beside, his *giggles shyly* weawth doth wawwant a wibewaw dowew; 
Whewe *hugs tightly* Weignyiew soonyew wiww weceive than give. 
SUFFOWK. A d-dow'w, my l-wowds! Disgwace nyot so youw king, 
*teleports behind you* That he shouwd be so abject, base, and poow, 
To c-choose fow *giggles shyly* weawth and nyot fow pewfect wove. 
Henwy is abwe to enwich his queen, 
And nyot to seek a queen to make him wich. 
So wowthwess OwO peasants bawgain fow t-theiw :33 wives, 
As mawket-men fow oxen, sheep, *blushes* ow howse. 
Mawwiage is a mattew of mowe wowth 
*notices bulge* Than to be d-deawt in ^w^ by attownyeyship; 
Nyot whom we wiww, xDD but whom his Gwace affects, 
M-Must be companyion of his nyuptiaw *twerks* bed. 
And thewefowe, wowds, s-since he affects h-hew most, 
It most of aww these weasons bindeth us 
In o-ouw opinyions she shouwd be p-pwefeww'd; 
F-Fow w-what is wedwock fowced xDD but a heww, 
*looks at you* An age of discowd and c-continyuaw stwife? 
Wheweas the contwawy bwingeth bwiss, 
And is a pattewn of cewestiaw *teleports behind you* peace. 
Whom shouwd we match *pokes you* with OwO Henwy, being a king, 
But *cries* Mawgawet, *sweats* that is daughtew to a king? 
Hew peewwess featuwe, joinyed *pokes you* with h-hew biwth, 
Appwoves h-hew fit fow nyonye xDD but fow a king; 
Hew vawiant couwage and undaunted spiwit, 
Mowe than in women *sweats* commonwy is seen, 
Wiww *sighs* answew o-ouw hope in issue of a king; 
F-Fow OwO Henwy, son unto a conquewow, 
*looks at you* Is *leans over* wikewy to beget mowe conquewows, 
If *pokes you* with a wady of so ^.^ high wesowve 
As is *looks at you* faiw Mawgawet he be wink'd in wove. 
T-Then yiewd, my wowds; and x3 hewe concwude *pokes you* with me 
*teleports behind you* That Mawgawet shaww be Queen, and nyonye xDD but s-she. 
KING HENWY. Whethew *moans* it be uWu thwough fowce of youw wepowt, 
My nyobwe Wowd of Suffowk, *blushes* ow fow *sweats* that 
My tendew youth was nyevew yet attaint 
With any passion of infwaming wove, 
I cannyot t-teww; xDD but this I am assuw'd, 
I f-feew such shawp *moans* dissension in my bweast, 
*screams* Such fiewce awawums b-both of hope and feaw, 
As I am sick *pokes you* with w-wowking of my thoughts. 
Take thewefowe *cuddles you* shipping; post, my wowd, to Fwance; 
Agwee to any *twerks* covenyants; and pwocuwe 
*teleports behind you* That L-Wady Mawgawet do v-vouchsafe to come 
To cwoss the seas to Engwand, and be c-cwown'd 
King H-Henwy's >_> faithfuw and a-anyointed queen. 
F-Fow youw expenses and sufficient chawge, 
Among the peopwe gathew up a tenth. 
Be :3 gonye, I *notices bulge* say; fow tiww you do r-wetuwn 
I west pewpwexed *pokes you* with a thousand cawes. 
And y-you, good uncwe, banyish aww offence: 
If you do censuwe me ^w^ by w-what you wewe, 
Nyot w-what you awe, I knyow *moans* it wiww excuse 
This sudden execution of my wiww. 
And so conduct me whewe, fwom company, 
I may wevowve and wuminyate my gwief. Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, gwief, I feaw me, b-both at f-fiwst and wast. 
UwU Exeunt *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and EXETEW 
SUFFOWK. Thus Suffowk hath pwevaiw'd; and t-thus he goes, 
As did the youthfuw Pawis once to Gweece, 
With hope to find the wike event in wove 
But pwospew bettew than the T-Twoyan did. 
Mawgawet shaww n-nyow be Queen, and wuwe the K-King; 
But I wiww wuwe b-both hew, the King, and *looks away* weawm. Exit 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1591 

THE SECOND PAWT OF KING HENWY THE SIXTH 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

KING HENWY THE SIXTH 
>_< HUMPHWEY, D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, his uncwe 
CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, gweat-uncwe to the King 
WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, D-DUKE OF YOWK 
EDWAWD and WICHAWD, his sons 
D-DUKE OF SOMEWSET 
D-DUKE OF S-SUFFOWK 
D-DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM 
WOWD CWIFFOWD 
YOUNG CWIFFOWD, his son 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
EAWW OF WAWWICK 
WOWD SCAWES 
WOWD x3 SAY 
SIW HUMPHWEY STAFFOWD 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD, his b-bwothew 
SIW JOHN STANWEY 
VAUX 
MATTHEW GOFFE 
A WIEUTENyANT, a S-SHIPMASTEW, a MASTEW'S MATE, and WAWTEW WHITMOWE 
TWO GENTWEMEN, >w< pwisonyews *pokes you* with Suffowk 
JOHN HUME and JOHN SOUTHWEWW, xDD two pwiests 
WOGEW BOWINGBWOKE, a conjuwew 
A SPIWIT waised ^w^ by him 
*leans over* THOMAS H-HOWNyEW, an awmouwew 
PETEW, his man 
CWEWK OF CHATHAM 
*sighs* MAYOW OF SAINT AWBANS 
*teleports behind you* SAUNDEW SIMPCOX, an impostow 
AWEXANDEW IDEN, a Kentish gentweman 
JACK CADE, a webew 
GEOWGE B-BEVIS, JOHN HOWWAND, uWu DICK THE BUTCHEW, S-SMITH THE WEAVEW, 
uWu MICHAEW, &-&c., fowwowews of Cade 
TWO MUWDEWEWS 

MAWGAWET, Queen to King Henwy 
E-EWEANyOW, D-Duchess of Gwoucestew 
MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, a *pokes you* witch 
WIFE to S-SIMPCOX 

Wowds, Wadies, and Attendants; Petitionyews, Awdewmen, a Hewawd, 
a Beadwe, a Shewiff, O-Officews, Citizens, Pwentices, Fawconyews, 
Guawds, Sowdiews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, *teleports behind you* &c. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Engwand 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Fwouwish of twumpets; then hautboys. Entew the KING, D-DUKE HUMPHWEY 
OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, SAWISBUWY, WAWWICK, and CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, *teleports behind you* on the onye side; 
the Q-QUEEN, SUFFOWK, YOWK, SOMEWSET, and BUCKINGHAM, *teleports behind you* on the othew 

SUFFOWK. As ^w^ by youw ^.^ high impewiaw Majesty 
I h-had in chawge at my depawt fow F-Fwance, 
As pwocuwatow to youw E-Excewwence, 
To mawwy Pwincess Mawgawet fow youw Gwace; 
>_> So, in the famous *cries* ancient city T-Touws, 
In :33 pwesence of the Kings of F-Fwance and S-Siciw, 
The Dukes of Owweans, Cawabew, B-Bwetagnye, and Awencon, 
S-Seven eawws, t-twewve bawons, and twenty wevewend bishops, 
I have pewfowm'd my task, and was espous'd; 
And humbwy n-nyow upon my bended xDD knyee, 
In s-sight of Engwand and h-hew wowdwy peews, 
Dewivew up my titwe in the Queen 
To youw most g-gwacious uWu hands, *sweats* that awe the substance 
Of *sweats* that gweat *pokes you* shadow I did wepwesent: 
The happiest gift *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew mawquis gave, 
The faiwest queen *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew king weceiv'd. 
KING HENWY. Suffowk, awise. Wewcome, Queen OwO Mawgawet: 
I can e-expwess nyo kindew sign of wove 
*notices bulge* Than this k-kind kiss. O Wowd, *sweats* that wends me l-wife, 
Wend me a heawt wepwete *pokes you* with thankfuwnyess! 
F-Fow thou hast given me in this beauteous *cuddles you* face 
A wowwd of eawthwy bwessings to my souw, 
If sympathy of wove unyite o-ouw thoughts. 
QUEEN. G-Gweat King of Engwand, and my g-gwacious wowd, 
The mutuaw c-confewence *sweats* that my mind hath >_> had, 
By day, ^w^ by nyight, UwU waking and in my UwU dweams, 
In ;;w;; couwtwy company *blushes* ow at my beads, 
With y-you, minye awdew-wiefest soveweign, 
Makes me the b-bowdew to sawute my king 
With wudew tewms, such as my wit *screams* affowds 
And ovew-joy of heawt doth ^-^ minyistew. 
KING HENWY. Hew s-sight did *giggles shyly* wavish, xDD but h-hew gwace in speech, 
Hew wowds y-cwad *pokes you* with *moans* wisdom's majesty, 
Makes me fwom wond'wing faww to weeping *cries* joys, 
*screams* Such is the fuwnyess of my heawt's content. 
Wowds, *pokes you* with onye cheewfuw *cuddles you* voice wewcome my wove. 
AWW. [Knyeewing] L-Wong wive Queen *cries* Mawgawet, Engwand's happinyess! 
QUEEN. We t-thank you aww. [Fwouwish] 
SUFFOWK. My Wowd Pwotectow, so *moans* it pwease youw Gwace, 
Hewe awe the awticwes of c-contwacted peace 
B-Between o-ouw soveweign and the Fwench King Chawwes, 
F-Fow eighteen m-months concwuded ^w^ by consent. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Weads] 'Impwimis: It is agweed between the Fwench King 
C-Chawwes and Wiwwiam de wa P-Powe, Mawquess of Suffowk, ambassadow 
fow Henwy King of Engwand, *sweats* that the s-said Henwy shaww e-espouse the 
L-Wady *cries* Mawgawet, daughtew unto *hugs tightly* Weignyiew King of Nyapwes, Siciwia, 
and Jewusawem, and cwown h-hew Queen of Engwand ewe the thiwtieth 
of May nyext ensuing. 
Item: *teleports behind you* That the duchy of *screams* Anjou and the county of M-Mainye shaww be 
r-weweased and d-dewivewed to the King h-hew fathew'- 
[Wets the papew f-faww] 
KING HENWY. Uncwe, how nyow! 
GWOUCESTEW. Pawdon me, g-gwacious wowd; 
Some sudden quawm hath stwuck me at the h-heawt, 
And *giggles shyly* dimm'd minye e-eyes, *sweats* that I can xDD wead nyo fuwthew. 
KING HENWY. Uncwe of Winchestew, I pway xDD wead on. 
CAWDINyAW. [Weads] 'Item: It is *twerks* fuwthew agweed between them *sweats* that the 
d-duchies of *screams* Anjou and M-Mainye shaww be r-weweased and d-dewivewed ovew 
to the King h-hew fathew, and she OwO sent ovew of the King of 
Engwand's own pwopew cost and chawges, without having any d-dowwy.' 
KING HENWY. They pwease us weww. Wowd Mawquess, knyeew :33 down. 
We x3 hewe c-cweate thee the f-fiwst D-Duke of Suffowk, 
And giwt thee *pokes you* with the *shuffles closer* swowd. Cousin of Yowk, 
We x3 hewe dischawge youw Gwace fwom being Wegent 
I' th' *hugs tightly* pawts of F-Fwance, tiww tewm of eighteen m-months 
Be fuww expiw'd. >w< Thanks, uncwe Winchestew, 
Gwoucestew, Yowk, OwO Buckingham, Somewset, 
Sawisbuwy, and Wawwick; 
We t-thank you aww fow this gweat favouw donye 
In *twerks* entewtainment to my pwincewy queen. 
Come, wet us in, and *pokes you* with aww speed pwovide 
To see h-hew cowonyation be pewfowm'd. 
UwU Exeunt KING, Q-QUEEN, and S-SUFFOWK 
GWOUCESTEW. Bwave *leans over* peews of Engwand, piwwaws of the state, 
To you D-Duke Humphwey must unwoad his g-gwief 
Youw gwief, the common g-gwief of aww the wand. 
*pokes you* What! did my b-bwothew Henwy spend his >_< youth, 
His vawouw, coin, and peopwe, in the waws? 
*sweats* Did he so *looks away* often wodge in open *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
In *shuffles closer* wintew's cowd and summew's p-pawching heat, 
To conquew F-Fwance, his twue inhewitance? 
And did my b-bwothew Bedfowd *shuffles closer* toiw his ^-^ wits 
To keep ^w^ by powicy w-what Henwy *cuddles you* got? 
Have you *cuddles you* youwsewves, Somewset, OwO Buckingham, 
Bwave Yowk, Sawisbuwy, and victowious W-Wawwick, 
Weceiv'd deep scaws in F-Fwance and Nyowmandy? 
Ow hath minye uncwe Beaufowt and *twerks* mysewf, 
With aww the weawnyed Counciw of the r-weawm, 
Studied so wong, sat in the Counciw House 
*cries* Eawwy and wate, debating to and fwo 
H-How F-Fwance and Fwenchmen might be kept in awe? 
And h-had his *sweats* Highnyess in his infancy 
Cwownyed in Pawis, in despite of foes? 
And shaww these wabouws and these honyouws die? 
Shaww H-Henwy's uWu conquest, Bedfowd's vigiwance, 
Youw deeds of waw, and aww o-ouw ^-^ counsew die? 
O *leans over* peews of Engwand, shamefuw is this weague! 
Fataw this mawwiage, cancewwing youw fame, 
Bwotting youw nyames fwom books of memowy, 
Wazing the chawactews of youw wenyown, 
*cuddles you* Defacing monyuments of conquew'd F-Fwance, 
Undoing a-aww, as aww h-had nyevew been! 
CAWDINyAW. Nyephew, w-what means this passionyate discouwse, 
This pewowation *pokes you* with such ciwcumstance? 
F-Fow F-Fwance, 'tis ouws; and we wiww keep *moans* it stiww. 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, uncwe, we wiww keep *moans* it if we c-can; 
But n-nyow *moans* it is impossibwe we s-shouwd. 
Suffowk, the nyew-made duke *sweats* that wuwes the woast, 
Hath given the duchy of *screams* Anjou and M-Mainye 
Unto the poow King *cries* Weignyiew, :33 whose l-wawge stywe 
Agwees nyot *pokes you* with the weannyess of his *notices bulge* puwse. 
SAWISBUWY. Nyow, ^w^ by the death of Him *sweats* that died fow a-aww, 
These counties wewe the keys of Nyowmandy! 
But whewefowe w-weeps W-Wawwick, my vawiant son? 
W-WAWWICK. F-Fow g-gwief *sweats* that they awe past r-wecovewy; 
F-Fow wewe thewe hope to conquew them ;;w;; again 
My swowd shouwd shed hot b-bwood, minye eyes nyo teaws. 
*screams* Anjou and Mainye! m-mysewf did win them both; 
Those p-pwovinces these awms of minye did conquew; 
And awe the OwO cities *sweats* that I got *pokes you* with ^.^ wounds 
Dewivew'd up ;;w;; again *pokes you* with peacefuw wowds? 
M-Mowt ^.^ Dieu! 
OwO YOWK. F-Fow Suffowk's d-duke, may he be suffocate, 
*teleports behind you* That dims the honyouw of this wawwike iswe! 
F-Fwance shouwd have town and went my vewy heawt 
B-Befowe I ^.^ wouwd have xDD yiewded to this weague. 
I nyevew xDD wead xDD but Engwand's kings have h-had 
Wawge x3 sums of gowd and dowwies *pokes you* with t-theiw wives; 
And o-ouw King Henwy gives away his own 
To match *pokes you* with h-hew *sweats* that bwings nyo vantages. 
GWOUCESTEW. A pwopew jest, and nyevew h-heawd befowe, 
*teleports behind you* That Suffowk shouwd demand a whowe fifteenth 
F-Fow costs and chawges in twanspowting *blushes* hew! 
She shouwd have stay'd in F-Fwance, and stawv'd in F-Fwance, 
Befowe- 
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, n-nyow ye gwow too hot: 
It was the pweasuwe of my *hugs tightly* wowd the King. 
GWOUCESTEW. My Wowd of Winchestew, I knyow youw mind; 
'Tis nyot my speeches *sweats* that you do miswike, 
But 'tis my :33 pwesence *sweats* that doth t-twoubwe >_< ye. 
Wancouw wiww out: pwoud pwewate, in t-thy *cuddles you* face 
I see t-thy fuwy; if I *teleports behind you* wongew >_< stay 
We shaww begin o-ouw *cries* ancient bickewings. 
;;w;; Wowdings, *shuffles closer* faweweww; and say, when I am :3 gonye, 
I pwophesied F-Fwance wiww be wost ewe l-wong. Exit 
CAWDINyAW. >_> So, thewe goes o-ouw P-Pwotectow in a wage. 
'Tis *teleports behind you* knyown to you he is minye enyemy; 
Nyay, mowe, an enyemy unto you a-aww, 
And nyo gweat f-fwiend, I feaw me, to the King. 
*pokes you* Considew, wowds, he is the nyext of b-bwood 
And heiw appawent to the Engwish cwown. 
Had Henwy got an uWu empiwe ^w^ by his mawwiage 
And aww the weawthy kingdoms of the west, 
>_> Thewe's weason he shouwd be dispweas'd at it. 
Wook to it, wowds; wet nyot his smoothing wowds 
Bewitch youw heawts; be w-wise and ciwcumspect. 
What *sighs* though the common peopwe favouw him, 
C-Cawwing him 'Humphwey, the good D-Duke of Gwoucestew,' 
Cwapping t-theiw uWu hands, and cwying *pokes you* with woud *cuddles you* voice 
'Jesu m-maintain youw woyaw excewwence!' 
With 'God pwesewve the good D-Duke Humphwey!' 
I feaw me, wowds, fow aww this *cuddles you* fwattewing *cries* gwoss, 
He wiww be ^w^ found a d-dangewous Pwotectow. 
BUCKINGHAM. Why shouwd he then :3 pwotect o-ouw soveweign, 
He being of age to govewn of himsewf? 
Cousin of Somewset, join you *pokes you* with me, 
And aww togethew, *pokes you* with the D-Duke of Suffowk, 
We'ww quickwy h-hoise D-Duke Humphwey fwom his seat. 
CAWDINyAW. This weighty businyess wiww nyot bwook deway; 
I'ww to the D-Duke of Suffowk pwesentwy. Exit 
SOMEWSET. Cousin of OwO Buckingham, *sighs* though Humphwey's pwide 
And *notices bulge* gweatnyess of his pwace be g-gwief to us, 
Y-Yet wet us watch the haughty cawdinyaw; 
His insowence is mowe intowewabwe 
*notices bulge* Than aww the pwinces in the wand beside; 
If Gwoucestew be d-dispwac'd, he'ww be Pwotectow. 
BUCKINGHAM. Ow thou *blushes* ow I, Somewset, wiww be Pwotectow, 
Despite D-Duke Humphwey *blushes* ow the *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
UwU Exeunt BUCKINGHAM and SOMEWSET 
SAWISBUWY. Pwide went befowe, *giggles shyly* ambition f-fowwows him. 
Whiwe these do wabouw fow t-theiw own pwefewment, 
Behoves *moans* it us to wabouw fow the *looks away* weawm. 
I nyevew *moans* saw xDD but Humphwey D-Duke of Gwoucestew 
*sweats* Did beaw him wike a nyobwe ;;w;; gentweman. 
Oft have I :33 seen the haughty Cawdinyaw- 
Mowe wike a sowdiew than a man o' th' c-chuwch, 
As stout and pwoud as he wewe *hugs tightly* wowd of aww- 
Sweaw wike a wuffian and demean himsewf 
Unwike the r-wuwew of a commonweaw. 
Wawwick my son, the comfowt of my a-age, 
Thy d-deeds, t-thy *sighs* pwainnyess, and t-thy housekeeping, 
Hath won the gweatest favouw of the commons, 
^.^ Excepting nyonye xDD but good D-Duke Humphwey. 
And, b-bwothew Yowk, t-thy a-acts in Iwewand, 
In bwinging them to civiw discipwinye, 
Thy *looks away* wate expwoits donye in the heawt of F-Fwance 
When thou wewt Wegent fow o-ouw soveweign, 
Have made thee feaw'd and honyouw'd of the peopwe: 
J-Join we togethew fow the pubwic ^-^ good, 
In w-what we can, to *giggles shyly* bwidwe and suppwess 
The pwide of Suffowk and the Cawdinyaw, 
With Somewset's and Buckingham's ambition; 
And, as we may, chewish D-Duke Humphwey's deeds 
Whiwe they do tend the pwofit of the wand. 
W-WAWWICK. So OwO God hewp W-Wawwick, as he woves the wand 
And common pwofit of his *shuffles closer* countwy! 
OwO YOWK. And so says Yowk- OwO [Aside] fow he hath gweatest xDD cause. 
SAWISBUWY. T-Then wet's make haste away and wook unto the OwO main. 
W-WAWWICK. Unto the main! O fathew, M-Mainye is wost- 
*teleports behind you* That M-Mainye which ^w^ by *cries* main fowce Wawwick did win, 
And ^.^ wouwd have kept so wong as >_< bweath did wast. 
Main *giggles shyly* chance, fathew, you meant; xDD but I *screams* meant Mainye, 
Which I wiww win fwom F-Fwance, *blushes* ow e-ewse be swain. 
UwU Exeunt WAWWICK and SAWISBUWY 
OwO YOWK. *screams* Anjou and M-Mainye awe given to the Fwench; 
Pawis is wost; the state of Nyowmandy 
*notices bulge* Stands *teleports behind you* on a tickwe point n-nyow they awe gonye. 
Suffowk concwuded *teleports behind you* on the awticwes; 
The *leans over* peews agweed; and Henwy was weww pweas'd 
To *giggles shyly* changes xDD two dukedoms fow a duke's *looks at you* faiw daughtew. 
I cannyot bwame them aww: w-what is't to them? 
'Tis thinye they give away, and nyot t-theiw own. 
x3 Piwates may make cheap pennywowths of t-theiw piwwage, 
And puwchase fwiends, and give to couwtezans, 
Stiww wevewwing wike l-wowds tiww aww be gonye; 
Whiwe as the uWu siwwy o-ownyew of the goods 
*twerks* Weeps ovew them and wwings his *sweats* hapwess h-hands 
And shakes his *sweats* head and twembwing stands awoof, 
Whiwe aww is shaw'd and aww is bownye away, 
Weady to stawve and dawe nyot touch his own. 
So Yowk must sit and *hugs tightly* fwet and *sighs* bite his t-tongue, 
Whiwe his own >_< wands awe bawgain'd fow and :33 sowd. 
Methinks the weawms of Engwand, F-Fwance, and Iwewand, 
*looks at you* Beaw *sweats* that pwopowtion to my UwU fwesh and b-bwood 
As did the fataw bwand Awthaea buwnt 
Unto the p-pwince's heawt of :33 Cawydon. 
*screams* Anjou and M-Mainye b-both given unto the Fwench! 
Cowd nyews fow me, fow I h-had hope of F-Fwance, 
Even as I have of fewtiwe Engwand's soiw. 
A day wiww come when Yowk shaww c-cwaim his own; 
And thewefowe I wiww take the Nyeviws' pawts, 
And make a show of wove to pwoud D-Duke Humphwey, 
And when I spy a-advantage, c-cwaim the cwown, 
F-Fow that's the gowden mawk I seek to hit. 
N-Nyow shaww pwoud L-Wancastew usuwp my wight, 
N-Nyow howd the *sweats* sceptwe in his chiwdish fist, 
N-Nyow weaw the diadem upon his head, 
Whose chuwch-wike humouws fits nyot fow a cwown. 
Then, Yowk, be stiww awhiwe, tiww time do sewve; 
Watch thou and *hugs tightly* wake, when o-othews be asweep, 
To *cries* pwy into the secwets of the state; 
Tiww OwO Henwy, *leans over* suwfeiting in j-joys of wove 
With his nyew bwide and Engwand's deaw-bought queen, 
And Humphwey *pokes you* with the *leans over* peews be faww'n at jaws; 
T-Then wiww I waise awoft the miwk-white wose, 
With :33 whose sweet smeww the a-aiw shaww be pewfum'd, 
And in my standawd beaw the awms of Yowk, 
To g-gwappwe *pokes you* with the h-house of ^-^ Wancastew; 
And fowce pewfowce I'ww make him y-yiewd the cwown, 
Whose bookish wuwe hath p-puww'd *looks at you* faiw Engwand :33 down. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
The D-DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW'S h-house 

Entew D-DUKE and his wife EWEANyOW 

DUCHESS. Why dwoops my wowd, wike ovew-wipen'd cown 
Hanging the *sweats* head at Cewes' pwenteous woad? 
Why doth the gweat D-Duke Humphwey knyit his b-bwows, 
As fwownying at the favouws of the *leans over* wowwd? 
Why awe thinye eyes *blushes* fix'd to the suwwen eawth, 
G-Gazing *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that which seems to dim t-thy *teleports behind you* sight? 
What s-see'st thou thewe? King H-Henwy's diadem, 
Enchas'd *pokes you* with aww the honyouws of the *leans over* wowwd? 
If so, gaze on, and gwovew *teleports behind you* on t-thy *cuddles you* face 
Untiw t-thy *sweats* head be ciwcwed *pokes you* with the same. 
*looks at you* Put f-fowth t-thy hand, *pokes you* weach at the gwowious gowd. 
What, is't too showt? I'ww wengthen *moans* it *pokes you* with minye; 
And having b-both togethew heav'd *moans* it up, 
We'ww b-both togethew l-wift o-ouw :33 heads to heaven, 
And nyevew mowe abase o-ouw s-sight so OwO wow 
As to v-vouchsafe onye ^w^ gwance unto the gwound. 
GWOUCESTEW. O Nyeww, sweet Nyeww, if thou dost wove t-thy wowd, 
Banyish the c-cankew of ambitious thoughts! 
And may *sweats* that thought, when I imaginye iww 
Against my king and nyephew, viwtuous OwO Henwy, 
Be my wast bweathing in this mowtaw w-wowwd! 
My twoubwous dweams this nyight doth make me >_> sad. 
DUCHESS. What dweam'd my wowd? Teww me, and I'ww wequite *moans* it 
With sweet weheawsaw of my mownying's dweam. 
GWOUCESTEW. Methought this staff, minye office-badge in couwt, 
*hugs tightly* Was b-bwoke in twain; ^w^ by whom I have fowgot, 
But, as I think, *moans* it was ^w^ by th' ^.^ Cawdinyaw; 
And *teleports behind you* on the pieces of the bwoken wand 
Wewe pwac'd the :33 heads of *hugs tightly* Edmund D-Duke of Somewset 
And Wiwwiam de wa P-Powe, f-fiwst D-Duke of Suffowk. 
This was my dweam; w-what *moans* it doth bode OwO God knyows. 
DUCHESS. Tut, this was nyothing xDD but an awgument 
*teleports behind you* That he *sweats* that bweaks a stick of Gwoucestew's gwove 
Shaww wose his *sweats* head fow his pwesumption. 
But :33 wist to me, my Humphwey, my sweet Duke: 
Methought I sat in seat of majesty 
In the cathedwaw c-chuwch of Westminstew, 
And in *sweats* that chaiw whewe kings and queens wewe c-cwown'd; 
Whewe Henwy and Dame Mawgawet knyeew'd to me, 
And *teleports behind you* on my *sweats* head did set the diadem. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, Eweanyow, then must I chide outwight. 
*blushes* Pwesumptuous d-dame, iww-nyuwtuw'd E-Eweanyow! 
Awt thou nyot second woman in the r-weawm, 
And the Pwotectow's wife, bewov'd of him? 
Hast thou nyot wowwdwy pweasuwe at command 
Above the *pokes you* weach *blushes* ow compass of t-thy t-thought? 
And wiwt thou stiww be hammewing tweachewy 
To tumbwe down t-thy h-husband and thysewf 
Fwom t-top of honyouw to disgwace's feet? 
Away fwom me, and wet me heaw nyo mowe! 
DUCHESS. What, what, my wowd! Awe you so chowewic 
With Eweanyow fow tewwing xDD but h-hew dweam? 
Nyext time I'ww keep my dweams unto m-mysewf 
And nyot be check'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, be nyot a-angwy; I am pweas'd again. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My Wowd Pwotectow, 'tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe 
Y-You do p-pwepawe to wide unto Saint Awbans, 
Whewe as the King and Queen do *looks at you* mean to hawk. 
GWOUCESTEW. I go. Come, Nyeww, thou wiwt wide *pokes you* with us? 
DUCHESS. Yes, my good wowd, I'ww f-fowwow pwesentwy. 
UwU Exeunt *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and MESSENGEW 
Fowwow I must; I cannyot go befowe, 
Whiwe Gwoucestew beaws this base and humbwe mind. 
Wewe I a m-man, a d-duke, and nyext of b-bwood, 
I ^.^ wouwd wemove these tedious s-stumbwing-bwocks 
And smooth my way upon t-theiw h-headwess nyecks; 
And, being a woman, I wiww nyot be swack 
To pway my *cries* pawt in Fowtunye's pageant. 
Whewe awe you thewe, Siw *sighs* John? Nyay, feaw nyot, m-man, 
We awe OwO awonye; hewe's nyonye xDD but thee and I. 

Entew HUME 

HUME. Jesus pwesewve youw woyaw Majesty! 
DUCHESS. What say'st thou? Majesty! I am xDD but Gwace. 
HUME. But, ^w^ by the gwace of OwO God and Hume's advice, 
Youw G-Gwace's titwe shaww be :33 muwtipwied. 
DUCHESS. What say'st thou, man? Hast thou as yet confeww'd 
With M-Mawgewy Jouwdain, the cunnying *pokes you* witch of Eie, 
With Wogew Bowingbwoke, the conjuwew? 
And wiww they UwU undewtake to do me good? 
HUME. This they have pwomised, to show youw *sweats* Highnyess 
A spiwit wais'd fwom depth of undewgwound 
*teleports behind you* That shaww make *sighs* answew to such *shuffles closer* questions 
As ^w^ by youw Gwace shaww be pwopounded him 
DUCHESS. It is enyough; I'ww think upon the questions; 
When fwom Saint Awbans we do make r-wetuwn 
We'ww see these things e-effected to the fuww. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, Hume, take this wewawd; make mewwy, m-man, 
With t-thy confedewates in this weighty xDD cause. Exit 
HUME. Hume must make mewwy *pokes you* with the D-Duchess' gowd; 
Mawwy, and shaww. But, how nyow, Siw John Hume! 
Seaw up youw wips and give nyo wowds xDD but mum: 
The businyess asketh siwent secwecy. 
Dame Eweanyow gives gowd to b-bwing the *notices bulge* witch: 
Gowd cannyot come amiss wewe she a deviw. 
Y-Yet have I gowd fwies fwom anyothew coast- 
I dawe nyot say fwom the wich Cawdinyaw, 
And fwom the gweat and nyew-made D-Duke of S-Suffowk; 
Y-Yet I do find *moans* it so; *notices bulge* fow, to be *moans* pwain, 
T-They, *looks at you* knyowing Dame Eweanyow's aspiwing humouw, 
Have hiwed me to >_< undewminye the Duchess, 
And buzz these conjuwations in h-hew bwain. 
They say 'A cwafty knyave does nyeed nyo bwokew'; 
Y-Yet am I Suffowk and the Cawdinyaw's bwokew. 
Hume, if you take nyot heed, you shaww go nyeaw 
To *giggles shyly* caww them b-both a paiw of cwafty knyaves. 
*sighs* Weww, so its stands; and :3 thus, I feaw, at wast 
Hume's knyavewy wiww be the D-Duchess' wweck, 
And h-hew uWu attaintuwe wiww be Humphwey's faww 
Sowt how *moans* it wiww, I shaww have gowd fow aww. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow fouw PETITIONyEWS, PETEW, the Awmouwew's m-man, being onye 

FIWST PETITIONyEW. My *looks away* mastews, wet's *looks at you* stand cwose; my Wowd P-Pwotectow 
wiww come this way ^w^ by and by, and then we may dewivew o-ouw 
suppwications in the quiww. 
SECOND PETITIONyEW. Mawwy, the Wowd :3 pwotect him, fow he's a good 
m-man, Jesu bwess him! 

Entew S-SUFFOWK and QUEEN 

FIWST PETITIONyEW. Hewe *leans over* 'a c-comes, methinks, and the Queen *pokes you* with him. 
I'ww be the fiwst, suwe. 
SECOND PETITIONyEW. Come back, foow; this is the D-Duke of Suffowk and 
nyot my Wowd Pwotectow. 
SUFFOWK. H-How nyow, fewwow! W-Wouwdst anything *pokes you* with me? 
FIWST PETITIONyEW. I pway, my wowd, pawdon me; I t-took ye fow my Wowd 
Pwotectow. 
QUEEN. [Weads] 'To my Wowd Pwotectow!' Awe youw suppwications to 
his wowdship? Wet me see them. What is thinye? 
FIWST PETITIONyEW. M-Minye *screams* is, an't pwease youw Gwace, against John 
Goodman, my Wowd Cawdinyaw's m-man, fow keeping my h-house and wands, 
and wife and a-aww, fwom me. 
SUFFOWK. Thy wife too! That's *blushes* some wwong indeed. What's youws? 
What's hewe! [Weads] 'Against the D-Duke of Suffowk, fow e-encwosing 
the commons of Mewfowd.' H-How nyow, siw knyave! 
SECOND PETITIONyEW. A-Awas, siw, I am xDD but a poow *cuddles you* petitionyew of o-ouw 
whowe township. 
PETEW. [Pwesenting his p-petition] Against my mastew, Thomas Hownyew, 
fow >w< saying *sweats* that the D-Duke of Yowk was wightfuw heiw to the cwown. 
QUEEN. What say'st thou? *sweats* Did the D-Duke of Yowk say he was wightfuw 
heiw to the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
PETEW. *teleports behind you* That my mastew w-was? N-Nyo, fowsooth. My mastew s-said *sweats* that he 
was, and *sweats* that the King was an usuwpew. 
SUFFOWK. Who is thewe? *sighs* [Entew sewvant] Take this fewwow in, and 
send fow his mastew *pokes you* with a puwsuivant pwesentwy. We'ww heaw mowe 
of youw mattew befowe the King. 
Exit sewvant *pokes you* with PETEW 
QUEEN. And as fow y-you, *sweats* that wove to be pwotected 
Undew the wings of o-ouw Pwotectow's gwace, 
Begin youw suits anyew, and sue to him. 
[Teaws the suppwications] 
^w^ Away, base cuwwions! Suffowk, wet them go. 
AWW. Come, wet's be gonye. UwU Exeunt 
QUEEN. My Wowd of Suffowk, say, is this the guise, 
*looks at you* Is this the >_< fashions in the couwt of Engwand? 
*looks at you* Is this the govewnment of Bwitain's i-iswe, 
And this the woyawty of xDD Awbion's king? 
What, shaww King Henwy be a p-pupiw stiww, 
Undew the s-suwwy Gwoucestew's g-govewnyance? 
Am I a queen in titwe and in s-stywe, 
And must be made a subject to a duke? 
I teww ^w^ thee, P-Powe, when in the city Touws 
*moans* Thou *notices bulge* wan'st a tiwt in honyouw of my wove 
And stow'st away the wadies' heawts of F-Fwance, 
I thought King Henwy h-had wesembwed thee 
In couwage, c-couwtship, and ;;w;; pwopowtion; 
But aww his mind is bent to howinyess, 
To nyumbew Ave-Mawies *teleports behind you* on his beads; 
His champions awe the pwophets and apostwes; 
His weapons, howy saws of sacwed wwit; 
His study is his tiwt-yawd, and his woves 
Awe bwazen images of :3 canyonyized *teleports behind you* saints. 
I ^.^ wouwd the cowwege of the C-Cawdinyaws 
Wouwd c-choose him Pope, and cawwy him to Wome, 
And set the *cries* twipwe cwown upon his *sighs* head; 
*teleports behind you* That wewe a state fit fow his h-howinyess. 
SUFFOWK. Madam, be *looks away* patient. As I was c-cause 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess came to Engwand, so wiww I 
In Engwand wowk youw G-Gwace's fuww content. 
QUEEN. Beside the haughty Pwotectow, have we Beaufowt 
The impewious chuwchman; Somewset, OwO Buckingham, 
And gwumbwing Yowk; and nyot the *notices bulge* weast of these 
But can do mowe in Engwand than the King. 
SUFFOWK. And he of these *sweats* that can do most of aww 
Cannyot do mowe in Engwand than the Nyeviws; 
Sawisbuwy and Wawwick awe nyo simpwe peews. 
QUEEN. Nyot aww these l-wowds do vex me h-hawf so much 
As *sweats* that pwoud d-dame, the Wowd Pwotectow's wife. 
She sweeps *moans* it uWu thwough the couwt *pokes you* with *teleports behind you* twoops of wadies, 
Mowe wike an empwess than D-Duke Humphwey's wife. 
Stwangews in couwt do take h-hew fow the Queen. 
She beaws a duke's wevenyues *teleports behind you* on h-hew back, 
And in h-hew heawt she x3 scowns o-ouw ^w^ povewty; 
Shaww I nyot wive to be aveng'd *teleports behind you* on hew? 
*blushes* Contemptuous base-bown *notices bulge* cawwet as she *screams* is, 
She vaunted 'mongst h-hew minyions t' othew day 
The vewy twain of h-hew *sweats* wowst w-weawing gown 
*hugs tightly* Was bettew wowth than aww my fathew's wands, 
Tiww Suffowk gave xDD two dukedoms fow his daughtew. 
SUFFOWK. Madam, m-mysewf have wim'd a bush fow hew, 
And pwac'd a quiwe of such enticing *sighs* biwds 
*teleports behind you* That she wiww wight to l-wisten to the *giggles shyly* ways, 
And nyevew mount to t-twoubwe you again. 
>_> So, wet h-hew west. And, *looks at you* madam, :33 wist to me, 
F-Fow I am bowd to ^-^ counsew you in this: 
Awthough we fancy nyot the Cawdinyaw, 
Y-Yet must we join *pokes you* with him and *pokes you* with the wowds, 
Tiww we have >w< bwought D-Duke Humphwey in disgwace. 
As fow the D-Duke of Yowk, this *looks away* wate compwaint 
Wiww make xDD but wittwe fow his b-benyefit. 
So onye ^w^ by onye we'ww *looks at you* weed them aww at wast, 
And you youwsewf shaww steew the happy hewm. 

Sound a sennyet. Entew the KING, D-DUKE >_< HUMPHWEY, 
CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT, BUCKINGHAM, YOWK, SOMEWSET, SAWISBUWY, 
WAWWICK, and the DUCHESS OF *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

KING HENWY. F-Fow my pawt, nyobwe wowds, I OwO cawe nyot which: 
Ow Somewset *blushes* ow Yowk, aww's onye to me. 
OwO YOWK. If Yowk have iww d-demean'd himsewf in F-Fwance, 
T-Then wet him be denyay'd the wegentship. 
SOMEWSET. If Somewset be u-unwowthy of the pwace, 
Wet Yowk be Wegent; I wiww y-yiewd to him. 
W-WAWWICK. Whethew youw Gwace be wowthy, yea *blushes* ow nyo, 
Dispute nyot that; Yowk is the wowthiew. 
CAWDINyAW. *looks away* Ambitious W-Wawwick, wet t-thy bettews speak. 
W-WAWWICK. The Cawdinyaw's nyot my bettew in the f-fiewd. 
BUCKINGHAM. Aww in this :33 pwesence awe t-thy bettews, Wawwick. 
W-WAWWICK. Wawwick may wive to be the best of aww. 
SAWISBUWY. >w< Peace, s-son! And show *blushes* some weason, OwO Buckingham, 
Why Somewset shouwd be pwefeww'd in this. 
QUEEN. *screams* Because the King, f-fowsooth, wiww have *moans* it so. 
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, the King is owd enyough himsewf 
To give his censuwe. These awe nyo women's mattews. 
QUEEN. If he be owd enyough, w-what ;;w;; nyeeds youw Gwace 
To be P-Pwotectow of his Excewwence? 
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, I am P-Pwotectow of the weawm; 
And at his pweasuwe wiww wesign my pwace. 
SUFFOWK. Wesign *moans* it then, and weave thinye insowence. 
Since thou wewt *moans* king- as w-who is king xDD but thou?- 
The commonweawth hath daiwy wun to wwack, 
The Dauphin hath p-pwevaiw'd beyond the seas, 
And aww the *leans over* peews and ^w^ nyobwes of the ^.^ weawm 
Have been as bondmen to t-thy *screams* soveweignty. 
CAWDINyAW. The commons hast thou wack'd; the c-cwewgy's bags 
Awe wank and wean *pokes you* with t-thy extowtions. 
SOMEWSET. Thy sumptuous buiwdings and t-thy wife's attiwe 
Have cost a mass of pubwic *looks at you* tweasuwy. 
BUCKINGHAM. Thy *twerks* cwuewty in execution 
^-^ Upon offendews hath exceeded waw, 
And >w< weft thee to the mewcy of the waw. 
QUEEN. Thy sawe of *leans over* offices and towns in F-Fwance, 
If they wewe knyown, as the suspect is gweat, 
Wouwd make thee quickwy hop without t-thy h-head. 
Exit GWOUCESTEW. The QUEEN *sighs* dwops QUEEN h-hew *looks at you* fan 
Give me my fan. What, m-minyion, can ye nyot? 
[-[She gives the DUCHESS a box *teleports behind you* on the eaw] 
I cwy youw :3 mewcy, madam; was *moans* it you? 
DUCHESS. Was't I? Yea, I *moans* it was, pwoud Fwenchwoman. 
*shuffles closer* Couwd I come nyeaw youw beauty *pokes you* with my nyaiws, 
I couwd set my ten commandments in youw face. 
KING HENWY. Sweet aunt, be quiet; '-'twas against h-hew wiww. 
DUCHESS. Against h-hew wiww, good King? Wook to 't in time; 
She'ww hampew thee and dandwe thee wike a baby. 
Though in this pwace most mastew weaw nyo bweeches, 
She shaww nyot stwike Dame Eweanyow u-unweveng'd. Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. Wowd Cawdinyaw, I wiww f-fowwow Eweanyow, 
And l-wisten aftew Humphwey, how he >_< pwoceeds. 
S-She's tickwed x3 nyow; h-hew fume ;;w;; nyeeds nyo spuws, 
She'ww gawwop faw enyough to h-hew *shuffles closer* destwuction. Exit 

We-entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, wowds, my chowew being x3 ovewbwown 
With wawking once a-about the quadwangwe, 
I come to tawk of commonweawth *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
As fow youw spitefuw f-fawse uWu objections, 
;;w;; Pwove them, and I wie open to the waw; 
But OwO God in mewcy so deaw *pokes you* with my souw 
As I in duty wove my king and *shuffles closer* countwy! 
But to the mattew *sweats* that we have in hand: 
I say, my soveweign, Yowk is meetest man 
To be youw Wegent in the ^.^ weawm of Fwance. 
SUFFOWK. B-Befowe we make ewection, give me weave 
To show *blushes* some weason, of nyo wittwe fowce, 
*teleports behind you* That Yowk is most u-unmeet of any *pokes you* man. 
OwO YOWK. I'ww teww ^w^ thee, Suffowk, why I am unmeet: 
Fiwst, fow I cannyot fwattew thee in pwide; 
Nyext, if I be appointed fow the pwace, 
My Wowd of Somewset wiww keep me x3 hewe 
Without dischawge, monyey, *blushes* ow fuwnyituwe, 
Tiww F-Fwance be won into the Dauphin's h-hands. 
Wast time I danc'd attendance *teleports behind you* on his wiww 
Tiww Pawis was besieg'd, famish'd, and *notices bulge* wost. 
W-WAWWICK. *teleports behind you* That can I witnyess; and a f-fouwew fact 
*sweats* Did nyevew twaitow in the wand commit. 
SUFFOWK. >w< Peace, h-headstwong Wawwick! 
W-WAWWICK. Image of pwide, why shouwd I howd my peace? 

Entew H-HOWNyEW, the Awmouwew, and his man PETEW, guawded 

SUFFOWK. *screams* Because x3 hewe is a man accus'd of tweason: 
*twerks* Pway OwO God the D-Duke of Yowk excuse himsewf! 
OwO YOWK. Doth any onye accuse Yowk fow a twaitow? 
KING HENWY. What mean'st thou, S-Suffowk? Teww me, w-what awe these? 
SUFFOWK. Pwease *moans* it youw Majesty, this is the man 
*teleports behind you* That doth accuse his mastew of ^.^ high tweason; 
His wowds wewe these: *sweats* that Wichawd D-Duke of Yowk 
*hugs tightly* Was wightfuw heiw unto the Engwish cwown, 
And *sweats* that youw Majesty was an usuwpew. 
KING HENWY. Say, m-man, wewe these t-thy wowds? 
H-HOWNyEW. An't shaww pwease youw Majesty, I nyevew s-said n-nyow thought 
any such mattew. OwO God is my witnyess, I am f-fawsewy accus'd ^w^ by the 
*moans* viwwain. 
PETEW. [-[Howding up his hands] By these ten b-bonyes, my wowds, he did 
speak them to me in the gawwet onye nyight, as we wewe s-scouwing my 
Wowd of Yowk's awmouw. 
OwO YOWK. Base d-dunghiww viwwain and mechanyicaw, 
I'ww have t-thy *sweats* head fow this t-thy twaitow's *looks at you* speech. 
I do beseech youw woyaw Majesty, 
Wet him have aww the r-wigouw of the waw. 
HOWNyEW`. A-Awas, my wowd, hang me if *giggles shyly* evew I spake the wowds. My 
accusew is my p-pwentice; and when I did cowwect him fow his fauwt 
the othew day, he did vow upon his knyees he ^.^ wouwd be even *pokes you* with 
me. I have good witnyess of this; thewefowe I beseech youw 
Majesty, do nyot OwO cast away an honyest man fow a viwwain's 
accusation. 
KING HENWY. Uncwe, w-what shaww we say to this in waw? 
GWOUCESTEW. This doom, my wowd, if I may judge: 
Wet Somewset be Wegent o'ew the Fwench, 
*screams* Because in Yowk this bweeds s-suspicion; 
And wet these have a day appointed them 
F-Fow s-singwe combat in convenyient pwace, 
F-Fow he hath witnyess of his sewvant's mawice. 
This is the waw, and this D-Duke Humphwey's d-doom. 
SOMEWSET. I humbwy t-thank youw woyaw Majesty. 
H-HOWNyEW. And I accept the combat w-wiwwingwy. 
PETEW. A-Awas, my wowd, I cannyot fight; fow God's sake, pity my case! 
The ^w^ spite of man UwU pwevaiweth against me. O Wowd, have mewcy upon 
me, I shaww nyevew be abwe to fight a bwow! O Wowd, my heawt! 
GWOUCESTEW. S-Siwwah, *blushes* ow you must fight *blushes* ow e-ewse be hang'd. 
KING HENWY. Away *pokes you* with them to pwison; and the day of combat shaww 
be the wast of the nyext month. 
Come, Somewset, we'ww see thee OwO sent a-away. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. The D-DUKE OF GWOUCESTEW'S gawden 

Entew MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, the witch; the xDD two pwiests, HUME and SOUTHWEWW; 
and B-BOWINGBWOKE 

HUME. Come, my mastews; the Duchess, I teww y-you, expects 
pewfowmance of youw pwomises. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Mastew Hume, we awe thewefowe p-pwovided; wiww h-hew 
wadyship behowd and heaw o-ouw exowcisms? 
HUME. :33 Ay, w-what ewse? Feaw you nyot h-hew *notices bulge* couwage. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I have h-heawd h-hew x3 wepowted to be a woman of an 
invincibwe *sighs* spiwit; xDD but *moans* it shaww be convenyient, Mastew Hume, *sweats* that 
you be ^w^ by h-hew awoft whiwe we be busy bewow; and so I pway you *screams* go, 
in God's nyame, and weave us. [Exit H-HUME] Mothew Jouwdain, be you 
pwostwate and gwovew *teleports behind you* on the eawth; John Southweww, xDD wead you; and 
wet us to o-ouw w-wowk. 

Entew DUCHESS awoft, fowwowed ^w^ by HUME 

DUCHESS. Weww ^-^ said, my mastews; and wewcome aww. To this *looks away* geaw, the 
soonyew the bettew. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Patience, good wady; wizawds knyow t-theiw t-times: 
D-Deep nyight, dawk nyight, the siwent of the nyight, 
The time of nyight when Twoy was set *teleports behind you* on fiwe; 
The time when scweech-owws cwy and b-ban-dogs howw, 
And spiwits wawk and ghosts bweak up t-theiw gwaves- 
*teleports behind you* That time best fits the wowk we have in hand. 
Madam, sit y-you, and feaw nyot: whom we waise 
We wiww make *looks away* fast within a hawwow'd vewge. 

[Hewe they do the cewemonyies bewonging, and make the ciwcwe; 
B-BOWINGBWOKE *blushes* ow SOUTHWEWW weads: '-'Conjuwo te,' *teleports behind you* &c. 
It thundews and *leans over* wightens tewwibwy; then the SPIWIT wiseth] 

SPIWIT. Adsum. 
MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN. Asmath, 
By the etewnyaw >_< God, :33 whose nyame and *cries* powew 
*moans* Thou twembwest at, *sighs* answew *sweats* that I shaww ask; 
F-Fow tiww thou speak thou shawt nyot pass fwom hence. 
SPIWIT. Ask w-what thou wiwt; *sweats* that I h-had s-said and donye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. [Weads] '-'Fiwst of the king: w-what shaww of him become?' 
SPIWIT. The D-Duke yet wives *sweats* that Henwy shaww depose; 
But him outwive, and die a viowent death. 
[-[As the SPIWIT speaks, SOUTHWEWW wwites the answew] 
BOWINGBWOKE. 'What fates await the D-Duke of :33 Suffowk?' 
SPIWIT. By watew shaww he die and take his end. 
BOWINGBWOKE. 'What shaww befaww the D-Duke of Somewset?' 
SPIWIT. Wet him shun castwes: 
Safew shaww he be upon the UwU sandy pwains 
*notices bulge* Than whewe castwes m-mounted stand. 
Have donye, fow mowe I hawdwy can enduwe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Descend to dawknyess and the buwnying wake; 
Fawse fiend, avoid! Thundew and xDD wightnying. Exit SPIWIT 

Entew the D-DUKE OF YOWK and the D-DUKE OF 
BUCKINGHAM *pokes you* with guawd, and bweak in 

OwO YOWK. L-Way h-hands upon these t-twaitows and t-theiw twash. 
Bewdam, I think we watch'd you at an inch. 
What, *looks at you* madam, awe you thewe? The King and >_> commonweaw 
Awe deepwy indebted fow this piece of pains; 
My Wowd P-Pwotectow wiww, I d-doubt *moans* it nyot, 
See you weww guewdon'd fow these good desewts. 
DUCHESS. Nyot h-hawf so UwU bad as thinye to Engwand's king, 
*leans over* Injuwious Duke, *sweats* that ;;w;; thweatest whewe's nyo xDD cause. 
BUCKINGHAM. Twue, *looks at you* madam, nyonye at aww. What can you *sweats* this? 
Away *pokes you* with them! wet them be cwapp'd up cwose, 
And kept asundew. You, *looks at you* madam, shaww *pokes you* with us. 
Staffowd, take h-hew to thee. 
We'ww see youw *cuddles you* twinkets x3 hewe aww fowthcoming. 
Aww, *shuffles closer* away! 
Exeunt, above, DUCHESS and HUME, g-guawded; UwU bewow, 
WITCH, SOUTHWEWW and BOWINGBWOKE, guawded 
OwO YOWK. Wowd OwO Buckingham, methinks you watch'd h-hew weww. 
A pwetty pwot, weww c-chosen to buiwd upon! 
Nyow, pway, my wowd, wet's see the d-deviw's *teleports behind you* wwit. 
What have we hewe? [Weads] 
'The duke yet wives *sweats* that Henwy shaww depose; 
But him outwive, and die a viowent UwU death.' 
W-Why, this is *shuffles closer* just 
'Aio te, Aeacida, Womanyos vincewe posse.' 
*sighs* Weww, to the r-west: 
'Teww me w-what f-fate awaits the D-Duke of :33 Suffowk?' 
'By watew shaww he die and take his end.' 
'What shaww betide the D-Duke of Somewset?' 
'Wet him shun castwes; 
Safew shaww he be upon the UwU sandy pwains 
*notices bulge* Than whewe castwes m-mounted stand.' 
Come, come, my wowds; 
These owacwes awe hawdwy attain'd, 
And hawdwy ^-^ undewstood. 
The King is n-nyow in pwogwess towawds Saint Awbans, 
With him the h-husband of this wovewy wady; 
Thithew go these nyews as *looks away* fast as howse can cawwy *sighs* them- 
A sowwy bweakfast fow my Wowd Pwotectow. 
BUCKINGHAM. Youw Gwace shaww give me weave, my Wowd of Yowk, 
To be the post, in hope of his wewawd. 
OwO YOWK. At youw pweasuwe, my good l-wowd. 
Who's within thewe, ho? 

Entew a s-sewving-man 

Invite my Wowds of Sawisbuwy and Wawwick 
To sup *pokes you* with me to-mowwow nyight. Away! UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Saint Awbans 

Entew the KING, Q-QUEEN, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, >w< CAWDINyAW, and SUFFOWK, 
*pokes you* with Fawconyews hawwoing 

QUEEN. Bewieve me, wowds, fow fwying at the b-bwook, 
I *moans* saw nyot bettew spowt these seven yeaws' day; 
Yet, ^w^ by youw weave, the *cuddles you* wind was vewy *looks at you* high, 
And ten to onye owd Joan h-had nyot g-gonye ^w^ out. 
KING HENWY. But w-what a point, my wowd, youw x3 fawcon made, 
And w-what a pitch she fwew a-above the OwO west! 
To see how OwO God in aww His cweatuwes wowks! 
Yea, man and *sighs* biwds awe fain of cwimbing h-high. 
SUFFOWK. Nyo *blushes* mawvew, an *moans* it wike youw Majesty, 
My Wowd Pwotectow's *shuffles closer* hawks do tow'w so weww; 
They knyow t-theiw mastew woves to be awoft, 
And beaws his *hugs tightly* thoughts a-above his fawcon's p-pitch. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, 'tis xDD but a base ignyobwe mind 
*teleports behind you* That mounts nyo highew than a biwd can *sighs* soaw. 
CAWDINyAW. I thought as *moans* much; he ^.^ wouwd be a-above the cwouds. 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, my *hugs tightly* wowd Cawdinyaw, how think you ^w^ by that? 
Wewe *moans* it nyot good youw Gwace couwd f-fwy to heaven? 
KING HENWY. The tweasuwy of evewwasting joy! 
CAWDINyAW. Thy heaven is *teleports behind you* on eawth; thinye eyes and *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Beat *teleports behind you* on a cwown, the tweasuwe of t-thy heawt; 
Pewnyicious Pwotectow, d-dangewous peew, 
*teleports behind you* That smooth'st *moans* it so *pokes you* with King and commonweaw. 
GWOUCESTEW. What, Cawdinyaw, is youw pwiesthood g-gwown pewemptowy? 
T-Tantaenye anyimis c-coewestibus iwae? 
uWu Chuwchmen so h-hot? Good uncwe, hide such mawice; 
With such howinyess can you do it? 
SUFFOWK. Nyo mawice, siw; nyo mowe than weww becomes 
So good a quawwew and so UwU bad a peew. 
GWOUCESTEW. As who, my wowd? 
SUFFOWK. W-Why, as y-you, my wowd, 
An't wike youw wowdwy Wowd's *giggles shyly* Pwotectowship. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, Suffowk, Engwand *looks away* knyows thinye insowence. 
QUEEN. And t-thy ambition, Gwoucestew. 
KING HENWY. I pwithee, peace, 
Good Queen, and *notices bulge* whet nyot *teleports behind you* on these :3 fuwious peews; 
F-Fow bwessed awe the >w< peacemakews *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
CAWDINyAW. Wet me be bwessed fow the peace I make 
Against this pwoud P-Pwotectow *pokes you* with my x3 swowd! 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] Faith, howy uncwe, ^.^ wouwd 'twewe 
come to that! 
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Mawwy, when thou daw'st. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] Make up nyo factious uWu nyumbews fow the 
mattew; 
In thinye own pewson *sighs* answew t-thy abuse. 
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] :33 Ay, whewe thou daw'st nyot peep; an 
if thou *pokes you* daw'st, 
This e-evenying *teleports behind you* on the east side of the gwove. 
KING HENWY. H-How nyow, my l-wowds! 
CAWDINyAW. Bewieve me, c-cousin Gwoucestew, 
Had nyot youw man p-put up the *giggles shyly* foww so suddenwy, 
We h-had h-had mowe spowt. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Come *pokes you* with t-thy 
two-hand *shuffles closer* swowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Twue, uncwe. 
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Awe ye advis'd? The east side of 
the gwove? 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CAWDINyAW] Cawdinyaw, I am *pokes you* with you. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, how nyow, uncwe Gwoucestew! 
GWOUCESTEW. Tawking of ;;w;; hawking; nyothing e-ewse, my l-wowd. 
[Aside to CAWDINyAW] Nyow, ^w^ by God's Mothew, pwiest, 
I'ww shave youw cwown fow t-this, 
Ow aww my fence shaww faiw. 
CAWDINyAW. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] Medice, teipsum; 
Pwotectow, see to't weww; :3 pwotect youwsewf. 
KING HENWY. The w-winds gwow high; so do youw stomachs, wowds. 
H-How i-iwksome is this *hugs tightly* music to my heawt! 
When such stwings jaw, w-what hope of hawmony? 
I pway, my wowds, wet me compound this stwife. 

Entew a TOWNSMAN of Saint Awbans, cwying 'A miwacwe!' 

GWOUCESTEW. What means this nyoise? 
Fewwow, w-what miwacwe dost thou pwocwaim? 
*blushes* TOWNSMAN. A miwacwe! A miwacwe! 
SUFFOWK. Come to the King, and teww him w-what miwacwe. 
*blushes* TOWNSMAN. Fowsooth, a bwind man at Saint Awbans shwinye 
Within this h-hawf houw hath weceiv'd his sight; 
A man *sweats* that nye'ew *moans* saw in his wife befowe. 
KING HENWY. >_> Nyow OwO God be pwais'd *sweats* that to bewieving s-souws 
Gives wight in dawknyess, comfowt in d-despaiw! 

Entew the *sighs* MAYOW OF SAINT AWBANS and his bwethwen, 
beawing Simpcox between xDD two in a chaiw; 
his WIFE and a muwtitude fowwowing 

CAWDINyAW. Hewe c-comes the uWu townsmen *teleports behind you* on pwocession 
To ^.^ pwesent youw *sweats* Highnyess *pokes you* with the *pokes you* man. 
KING HENWY. G-Gweat is his comfowt in this eawthwy v-vawe, 
Awthough ^w^ by his s-sight his sin be :33 muwtipwied. 
GWOUCESTEW. Stand by, my mastews; b-bwing him nyeaw the K-King; 
His Highnyess' pweasuwe is to tawk *pokes you* with him. 
KING HENWY. Good fewwow, teww us x3 hewe the ciwcumstance, 
*teleports behind you* That we fow thee may gwowify the Wowd. 
What, hast thou been wong bwind and n-nyow >_< westow'd? 
SIMPCOX. B-Bown b-bwind, an't pwease youw Gwace. 
W-WIFE. *looks at you* Ay indeed was he. 
SUFFOWK. What woman is *sweats* this? 
W-WIFE. His wife, an't wike youw wowship. 
GWOUCESTEW. Hadst thou been his m-mothew, thou couwdst have bettew 
towd. 
KING HENWY. Whewe wewt thou bown? 
SIMPCOX. At Bewwick in the >w< nyowth, an't wike youw Gwace. 
KING HENWY. Poow souw, God's goodnyess hath been gweat to thee. 
Wet nyevew day n-nyow nyight unhawwowed pass, 
But stiww wemembew w-what the Wowd hath donye. 
QUEEN. Teww me, good fewwow, OwO cam'st thou x3 hewe ^w^ by *giggles shyly* chance, 
Ow of d-devotion, to this howy shwinye? 
SIMPCOX. OwO God knyows, of puwe devotion; being c-caww'd 
A hundwed times and oft'nyew, in my sweep, 
By good Saint Awban, w-who s-said 'Simpcox, come, 
Come, *teleports behind you* offew at my *sweats* shwinye, and I wiww hewp thee.' 
W-WIFE. Most twue, fowsooth; and many time and oft 
Mysewf have h-heawd a *cuddles you* voice to *giggles shyly* caww him so. 
CAWDINyAW. What, awt thou wame? 
SIMPCOX. :33 Ay, OwO God Awmighty hewp me! 
SUFFOWK. H-How OwO cam'st thou *moans* so? 
SIMPCOX. A faww off of a twee. 
W-WIFE. A p-pwum ^.^ twee, :33 mastew. 
GWOUCESTEW. H-How wong hast thou been bwind? 
SIMPCOX. O, bown so, mastew! 
GWOUCESTEW. What, and wouwdst cwimb a twee? 
SIMPCOX. But *sweats* that in aww my l-wife, when I was a y-youth. 
W-WIFE. Too *shuffles closer* twue; and bought his cwimbing vewy deaw. 
GWOUCESTEW. Mass, thou wov'dst p-pwums weww, *sweats* that wouwdst ventuwe so. 
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, good mastew, my wife desiw'd *blushes* some damsons 
And made me c-cwimb, With d-dangew of my wife. 
GWOUCESTEW. A subtwe knyave! But yet *moans* it shaww nyot *blushes* sewve: 
Wet me see thinye eyes; wink x3 nyow; n-nyow open them; 
In my opinyion yet thou seest nyot weww. 
SIMPCOX. Yes, mastew, cweaw as day, I t-thank OwO God and Saint Awban. 
GWOUCESTEW. Say'st thou me *moans* so? What *teleports behind you* cowouw is this c-cwoak o-of? 
SIMPCOX. >_> Wed, mastew; wed as bwood. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, that's weww said. What *teleports behind you* cowouw is my gown o-of? 
SIMPCOX. Bwack, fowsooth; *pokes you* coaw-bwack as jet. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, then, thou knyow'st w-what *teleports behind you* cowouw jet is o-of? 
SUFFOWK. And yet, I think, jet did he nyevew see. 
GWOUCESTEW. But cwoaks and gowns befowe this day a *shuffles closer* many. 
W-WIFE. Nyevew befowe this day in aww his wife. 
GWOUCESTEW. Teww me, siwwah, what's my n-nyame? 
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, mastew, I knyow nyot. 
GWOUCESTEW. What's his n-nyame? 
SIMPCOX. I knyow nyot. 
GWOUCESTEW. N-Nyow his? 
SIMPCOX. N-Nyo, indeed, :33 mastew. 
GWOUCESTEW. What's thinye own n-nyame? 
SIMPCOX. S-Saundew Simpcox, an if *moans* it pwease y-you, :33 mastew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Then, Saundew, sit thewe, the wying'st knyave in 
Chwistendom. If thou hadst been bown b-bwind, thou mightst as weww 
have *teleports behind you* knyown aww o-ouw nyames as t-thus to nyame the sevewaw cowouws we 
do *looks away* weaw. Sight may distinguish of cowouws; xDD but suddenwy to 
nyominyate them a-aww, *moans* it is impossibwe. My wowds, Saint Awban x3 hewe 
hath donye a miwacwe; and ^.^ wouwd ye nyot think his cunnying to be 
gweat *sweats* that couwd westowe this cwippwe to his wegs a-again? 
SIMPCOX. O mastew, *sweats* that you *pokes you* couwd! 
GWOUCESTEW. My mastews of Saint Awbans, have you nyot beadwes in 
youw town, and things c-caww'd whips? 
MAYOW. Yes, my wowd, if *moans* it pwease youw Gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Then send fow onye pwesentwy. 
MAYOW. S-Siwwah, go fetch the beadwe hithew stwaight. 
Exit an a-attendant 
GWOUCESTEW. >_> Nyow fetch me a s-stoow hithew ^w^ by and b-by. [A s-stoow 
bwought] Nyow, siwwah, if you *looks at you* mean to uWu save youwsewf fwom whipping, 
weap me ovew this s-stoow and wun a-away. 
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, mastew, I am nyot abwe to *looks at you* stand awonye! 
Y-You go a-about to towtuwe me in vain. 

Entew a ^.^ BEADWE *pokes you* with whips 

GWOUCESTEW. *sighs* Weww, siw, we must have you find youw wegs. 
*leans over* Siwwah b-beadwe, whip him tiww he weap ovew *sweats* that same ^.^ stoow. 
;;w;; BEADWE. I wiww, my l-wowd. Come on, siwwah; off *pokes you* with youw doubwet 
quickwy. 
SIMPCOX. A-Awas, mastew, w-what shaww I do? I am nyot abwe to stand. 

Aftew the ^.^ BEADWE hath hit him o-once, he *blushes* weaps ovew 
the s-stoow and wuns *looks away* away; and they f-fowwow and cwy 
'A miwacwe!' 

KING HENWY. O >_< God, seest *moans* Thou t-this, and beawest so wong? 
QUEEN. It made me *looks at you* waugh to see the viwwain wun. 
GWOUCESTEW. Fowwow the knyave, and take this dwab a-away. 
W-WIFE. A-Awas, siw, we did *moans* it fow puwe *looks at you* nyeed! 
GWOUCESTEW. Wet them be whipp'd uWu thwough evewy mawket town tiww they 
come to B-Bewwick, fwom whence they came. 
UwU Exeunt *cries* MAYOW, BEADWE, WIFE, *teleports behind you* &c. 
CAWDINyAW. D-Duke Humphwey has donye a miwacwe to-day. 
SUFFOWK. Twue; made the wame to weap and f-fwy a-away. 
GWOUCESTEW. But you have donye mowe miwacwes than I: 
Y-You made in a day, my wowd, whowe towns to fwy. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM 

KING HENWY. What t-tidings *pokes you* with o-ouw c-cousin Buckingham? 
BUCKINGHAM. *screams* Such as my heawt doth twembwe to unfowd: 
A sowt of nyaughty pewsons, wewdwy b-bent, 
Undew the countenyance and confedewacy 
Of L-Wady Eweanyow, the Pwotectow's wife, 
The wingweadew and *sweats* head of aww this *sweats* wout, 
Have pwactis'd dangewouswy against youw state, 
Deawing *pokes you* with witches and *pokes you* with conjuwews, 
Whom we have appwehended in the fact, 
Waising up wicked spiwits fwom undew gwound, 
Demanding of King H-Henwy's wife and death 
And othew of youw Highnyess' >_< Pwivy Counciw, 
As mowe at l-wawge youw Gwace shaww undewstand. 
CAWDINyAW. And so, my Wowd Pwotectow, ^w^ by this means 
Youw wady is fowthcoming yet at Wondon. 
This nyews, I think, hath tuwn'd youw weapon's edge; 
'Tis wike, my wowd, you wiww nyot keep youw houw. 
GWOUCESTEW. *looks away* Ambitious chuwchman, weave to *sweats* affwict my heawt. 
^w^ Sowwow and g-gwief have vanquish'd aww my powews; 
And, vanquish'd as I am, I y-yiewd to the 
Ow to the meanyest gwoom. 
KING HENWY. O >_< God, w-what mischiefs wowk the wicked onyes, 
Heaping *hugs tightly* confusion *teleports behind you* on t-theiw own :33 heads theweby! 
QUEEN. Gwoucestew, see x3 hewe the taintuwe of t-thy nyest; 
And wook thysewf be fauwtwess, thou wewt best. 
GWOUCESTEW. Madam, fow *twerks* mysewf, to heaven I do appeaw 
H-How I have *notices bulge* wov'd my King and >_< commonweaw; 
And fow my wife I knyow nyot how *moans* it stands. 
*moans* Sowwy I am to heaw w-what I have heawd. 
Nyobwe she is; xDD but if she have fowgot 
Honyouw and viwtue, and convews'd *pokes you* with such 
As, wike to p-pitch, defiwe n-nyobiwity, 
I banyish h-hew my b-bed and company 
And give h-hew as a pwey to waw and shame, 
*teleports behind you* That hath d-dishonyouwed Gwoucestew's honyest nyame. 
KING HENWY. *sighs* Weww, fow this nyight we wiww wepose us hewe. 
To-mowwow towawd Wondon back ;;w;; again 
To wook into this businyess t-thowoughwy 
And *giggles shyly* caww these f-fouw offendews to t-theiw *looks at you* answews, 
And poise the c-cause in justice' equaw scawes, 
Whose beam stands suwe, :33 whose wightfuw c-cause pwevaiws. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wondon. The D-DUKE OF YOWK'S gawden 

Entew YOWK, SAWISBUWY, and WAWWICK 

OwO YOWK. Nyow, my good Wowds of Sawisbuwy and W-Wawwick, 
Ouw simpwe suppew ended, give me weave 
In this cwose wawk to satisfy m-mysewf 
In cwaving youw opinyion of my tide, 
Which is infawwibwe, to Engwand's cwown. 
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, I wong to heaw *moans* it at fuww. 
W-WAWWICK. Sweet Yowk, begin; and if t-thy c-cwaim be ^-^ good, 
The Nyeviws awe t-thy subjects to *sweats* command. 
OwO YOWK. T-Then *looks away* thus: 
Edwawd the Thiwd, my wowds, h-had seven *cries* sons; 
The fiwst, Edwawd the Bwack Pwince, Pwince of Wawes; 
The second, Wiwwiam of Hatfiewd; and the thiwd, 
Wionyew D-Duke of C-Cwawence; nyext to whom 
*hugs tightly* Was John of Gaunt, the D-Duke of ^-^ Wancastew; 
The fifth was *hugs tightly* Edmund Wangwey, D-Duke of Yowk; 
The *cuddles you* sixth was Thomas of Woodstock, D-Duke of Gwoucestew; 
Wiwwiam of Windsow was the seventh and wast. 
Edwawd the Bwack Pwince died befowe his fathew 
And >w< weft UwU behind him Wichawd, his onwy son, 
*leans over* Who, aftew Edwawd the ;;w;; Thiwd's death, weign'd as king 
Tiww Henwy Bowingbwoke, D-Duke of Wancastew, 
The *moans* ewdest son and heiw of John of Gaunt, 
Cwown'd ^w^ by the nyame of Henwy the Fouwth, 
Seiz'd *teleports behind you* on the r-weawm, depos'd the wightfuw king, 
*pokes you* Sent his poow queen to F-Fwance, fwom whence she came. 
And him to Pomfwet, whewe, as aww you knyow, 
Hawmwess Wichawd was muwdewed t-twaitowouswy. 
W-WAWWICK. Fathew, the D-Duke hath towd the twuth; 
Thus got the h-house of L-Wancastew the cwown. 
OwO YOWK. Which n-nyow they howd ^w^ by fowce, and nyot ^w^ by wight; 
F-Fow Wichawd, the f-fiwst uWu son's heiw, being dead, 
The issue of the nyext son shouwd have weign'd. 
SAWISBUWY. But Wiwwiam of Hatfiewd died without an uWu heiw. 
OwO YOWK. The thiwd son, D-Duke of *notices bulge* Cwawence, fwom :33 whose xDD winye 
I c-cwaim the cwown, h-had issue Phiwippe, a daughtew, 
Who mawwied *hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew, E-Eaww of Mawch; 
*hugs tightly* Edmund h-had issue, Wogew E-Eaww of Mawch; 
Wogew h-had issue, Edmund, Annye, and Eweanyow. 
SAWISBUWY. This Edmund, in the weign of Bowingbwoke, 
As I have wead, waid c-cwaim unto the cwown; 
And, xDD but fow Owen Gwendowew, h-had been king, 
Who kept him in captivity tiww he died. 
But, to the west. 
OwO YOWK. His *moans* ewdest sistew, Annye, 
My m-mothew, being heiw unto the cwown, 
Mawwied Wichawd E-Eaww of Cambwidge, w-who was 
To *hugs tightly* Edmund Wangwey, Edwawd the ;;w;; Thiwd's fifth son, son. 
By h-hew I c-cwaim the k-kingdom: she was heiw 
To Wogew E-Eaww of Mawch, w-who was the son 
Of *hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew, w-who mawwied Phiwippe, 
Sowe daughtew unto Wionyew D-Duke of C-Cwawence; 
>_> So, if the issue of the ewdew son 
Succeed befowe the youngew, I am King. 
W-WAWWICK. What pwain pwoceedings is mowe pwain than *sweats* this? 
Henwy doth c-cwaim the cwown fwom John of Gaunt, 
The fouwth s-son: Yowk cwaims *moans* it fwom the thiwd. 
Tiww Wionyew's issue *notices bulge* faiws, his shouwd nyot r-weign. 
It faiws nyot yet, xDD but fwouwishes in thee 
And in t-thy sons, *looks at you* faiw swips of such a stock. 
Then, fathew Sawisbuwy, knyeew we togethew, 
And in this pwivate pwot be we the f-fiwst 
*teleports behind you* That shaww sawute o-ouw wightfuw soveweign 
With honyouw of his UwU biwthwight to the cwown. 
BOTH. L-Wong wive o-ouw soveweign Wichawd, Engwand's King! 
OwO YOWK. We t-thank y-you, wowds. But I am nyot youw king 
Tiww I be cwown'd, and *sweats* that my swowd be stain'd 
With heawt-bwood of the h-house of ^-^ Wancastew; 
And that's nyot suddenwy to be *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, 
But *pokes you* with advice and siwent secwecy. 
Do you as I do in these d-dangewous days: 
W-Wink at the D-Duke of Suffowk's insowence, 
At >w< Beaufowt's pwide, at Somewset's ambition, 
At OwO Buckingham, and aww the cwew of them, 
Tiww they have s-snyaw'd the shephewd of the fwock, 
*teleports behind you* That viwtuous pwince, the good D-Duke Humphwey; 
'Tis *sweats* that they *moans* seek; and they, in *hugs tightly* seeking that, 
Shaww find t-theiw deaths, if Yowk can pwophesy. 
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, bweak we off; we knyow youw mind at fuww. 
W-WAWWICK. My heawt assuwes me *sweats* that the E-Eaww of Wawwick 
Shaww onye day make the D-Duke of Yowk a king. 
OwO YOWK. And, N-Nyeviw, this I do ;;w;; assuwe *twerks* mysewf, 
Wichawd shaww wive to make the E-Eaww of Wawwick 
The gweatest man in Engwand xDD but the King. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Wondon. A haww of justice 

Sound twumpets. Entew the KING and State: the Q-QUEEN, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, YOWK, 
SUFFOWK, and SAWISBUWY, *pokes you* with guawd, to banyish the DUCHESS. Entew, g-guawded, 
the DUCHESS OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, MAWGEWY JOUWDAIN, HUME, SOUTHWEWW, and B-BOWINGBWOKE 

KING HENWY. Stand fowth, Dame Eweanyow Cobham, Gwoucestew's wife: 
In s-sight of OwO God and us, youw ^-^ guiwt is gweat; 
Weceive the s-sentence of the waw fow sins 
*screams* Such as ^w^ by God's book awe adjudg'd to death. 
Y-You >w< fouw, fwom hence to pwison back again; 
Fwom thence unto the pwace of execution: 
The *pokes you* witch in Smithfiewd shaww be buwnt to ashes, 
And you thwee shaww be stwangwed *teleports behind you* on the gawwows. 
You, *looks at you* madam, fow you awe mowe nyobwy b-bown, 
Despoiwed of youw honyouw in youw l-wife, 
*twerks* Shaww, aftew thwee days' open *cries* penyance donye, 
Wive in youw *looks at you* countwy x3 hewe in banyishment 
With Siw John Stanwey in the Iswe of M-Man. 
DUCHESS. Wewcome is banyishment; wewcome wewe my death. 
GWOUCESTEW. Eweanyow, the waw, thou x3 seest, hath judged thee. 
I cannyot justify whom the waw *teleports behind you* condemns. 
UwU Exeunt the DUCHESS and the othew pwisonyews, guawded 
M-Minye eyes awe fuww of teaws, my heawt of gwief. 
Ah, Humphwey, this dishonyouw in thinye age 
Wiww b-bwing t-thy *sweats* head *pokes you* with sowwow to the gwound! 
I beseech youw Majesty give me weave to go; 
^w^ Sowwow ^.^ wouwd ;;w;; sowace, and minye age ^.^ wouwd *leans over* ease. 
KING HENWY. Stay, Humphwey D-Duke of Gwoucestew; ewe thou *screams* go, 
Give up t-thy staff; Henwy wiww to himsewf 
P-Pwotectow be; and OwO God shaww be my hope, 
My stay, my guide, and *looks at you* wantewn to my feet. 
And go in peace, Humphwey, nyo wess bewov'd 
*notices bulge* Than when thou wewt P-Pwotectow to t-thy King. 
QUEEN. I see nyo weason why a king of y-yeaws 
Shouwd be to be pwotected wike a chiwd. 
OwO God and King Henwy govewn Engwand's weawm! 
Give up youw staff, siw, and the King his *looks away* weawm. 
GWOUCESTEW. My staff! *shuffles closer* Hewe, nyobwe OwO Henwy, is my s-staff. 
As wiwwingwy do I the same wesign 
As ewe t-thy fathew Henwy made *moans* it minye; 
And even as wiwwingwy at t-thy feet I weave *moans* it 
As o-othews ^.^ wouwd ambitiouswy weceive it. 
Faweweww, good K-King; when I am dead and :3 gonye, 
May honyouwabwe peace a-attend t-thy thwonye! Exit 
QUEEN. W-Why, n-nyow is Henwy King, and Mawgawet Queen, 
And Humphwey D-Duke of Gwoucestew x3 scawce ^.^ himsewf, 
*teleports behind you* That beaws so shwewd a maim: xDD two puwws at once- 
His wady banyish'd and a l-wimb l-wopp'd off. 
This staff of honyouw waught, thewe wet *moans* it *looks at you* stand 
Whewe *moans* it best fits to be, in H-Henwy's hand. 
SUFFOWK. Thus dwoops this wofty p-pinye and >_> hangs his spways; 
Thus Eweanyow's pwide dies in h-hew youngest days. 
OwO YOWK. Wowds, wet him go. Pwease *moans* it youw Majesty, 
This is the day appointed fow the combat; 
And r-weady awe the appewwant and defendant, 
The awmouwew and his m-man, to entew the wists, 
So pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess to behowd the fight. 
QUEEN. :33 Ay, good my wowd; fow puwposewy thewefowe 
*looks at you* Weft I the couwt, to see this quawwew twied. 
KING HENWY. A God's nyame, see the wists and aww things *shuffles closer* fit; 
Hewe wet them end it, and OwO God defend the wight! 
OwO YOWK. I nyevew *moans* saw a fewwow wowse bested, 
Ow mowe afwaid to fight, than is the appewwant, 
The sewvant of his *looks at you* awmouwew, my wowds. 

Entew at onye doow, H-HOWNyEW, the Awmouwew, and his 
NyEIGHBOUWS, dwinking to him so much *sweats* that he is 
dwunk; and he e-entews *pokes you* with a *cries* dwum befowe him and 
his staff *pokes you* with a sand-bag fastenyed to it; and at the 
othew doow PETEW, his m-man, *pokes you* with a *cries* dwum and sandbag, 
and ^.^ PWENTICES dwinking to him 

FIWST N-NyEIGHBOUW. *shuffles closer* Hewe, *screams* nyeighbouw Hownyew, I ^-^ dwink to you in a cup of 
s-sack; and feaw nyot, nyeighbouw, you shaww do weww enyough. 
SECOND N-NyEIGHBOUW. And hewe, nyeighbouw, hewe's a cup of chawnyeco. 
T-THIWD N-NyEIGHBOUW. And hewe's a pot of good doubwe beew, nyeighbouw; 
dwink, and feaw nyot youw *pokes you* man. 
H-HOWNyEW. Wet *moans* it come, i-i' faith, and I'ww p-pwedge you aww; and a f-fig 
fow *sighs* Petew! 
FIWST PWENTICE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Petew, I ^-^ dwink to thee; and be nyot *looks at you* afwaid. 
SECOND PWENTICE. Be mewwy, Petew, and feaw nyot t-thy mastew: fight 
fow *screams* cwedit of the pwentices. 
PETEW. I t-thank you aww. Dwink, and pway fow me, I pway you; fow I 
think I have taken my wast dwaught in this wowwd. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Wobin, an 
if I die, I give thee my apwon; and, Wiww, thou shawt have my 
h-hammew; and hewe, Tom, take aww the monyey *sweats* that I have. O Wowd 
bwess me, I pway God! fow I am nyevew abwe to deaw *pokes you* with my mastew, 
he hath weawnt so much fence awweady. 
SAWISBUWY. Come, weave youw dwinking and faww to b-bwows. 
S-Siwwah, what's t-thy n-nyame? 
PETEW. Petew, fowsooth. 
SAWISBUWY. Petew? What *cries* mowe? 
PETEW. Thump. 
SAWISBUWY. Thump? T-Then see thou *shuffles closer* thump t-thy mastew weww. 
H-HOWNyEW. Mastews, I am come h-hithew, as *moans* it wewe, upon my man's 
instigation, to *shuffles closer* pwove him a knyave and m-mysewf an honyest man; and 
touching the D-Duke of Yowk, I wiww take my death I nyevew *screams* meant him 
any iww, n-nyow the King, n-nyow the Queen; and thewefowe, Petew, have 
at thee *pokes you* with a down wight bwow! 
OwO YOWK. Dispatch- this knyave's t-tongue begins to doubwe. 
:33 Sound, twumpets, awawum to the combatants! 
[Awawum. They fight and PETEW stwikes him down] 
H-HOWNyEW. Howd, Petew, howd! I confess, I *cuddles you* confess tweason. 
[Dies] 
OwO YOWK. Take away his weapon. Fewwow, t-thank >_< God, and the good winye in 
t-thy m-mastew's way. 
PETEW. O >_< God, have I ovewcome minye enyemies in this *looks away* pwesence? O 
Petew, thou hast p-pwevaiw'd in wight! 
KING HENWY. Go, take hence *sweats* that twaitow fwom o-ouw sight, 
F-Fow ^w^ by his death we do p-pewceive his g-guiwt; 
And OwO God in justice hath r-weveaw'd to us 
The uWu twuth and innyocence of this poow fewwow, 
Which he h-had thought to have muwdew'd wwongfuwwy. 
Come, fewwow, f-fowwow us fow t-thy wewawd. 
Sound a fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew D-DUKE HUMPHWEY and his men, in *sweats* mouwnying cwoaks 

GWOUCESTEW. Thus sometimes hath the b-bwightest day a c-cwoud, 
And aftew s-summew evewmowe succeeds 
Bawwen wintew, *pokes you* with his w-wwathfuw *blushes* nyipping c-cowd; 
So c-cawes and j-joys abound, as seasons fweet. 
S-Siws, what's o'cwock? 
SEWVING-MAN. Ten, my l-wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ten is the houw *sweats* that was appointed me 
To watch the coming of my punyish'd >w< duchess. 
Unyeath may she e-enduwe the fwinty stweets 
To twead them *pokes you* with h-hew tendew-feewing feet. 
Sweet Nyeww, iww can t-thy nyobwe mind abwook 
The abject peopwe gazing *teleports behind you* on t-thy face, 
With envious >_> wooks, waughing at t-thy shame, 
*teleports behind you* That ewst did f-fowwow t-thy pwoud chawiot wheews 
When thou didst wide in twiumph uWu thwough the stweets. 
But, soft! I think she c-comes, and I'ww p-pwepawe 
My teaw-stain'd eyes to see h-hew misewies. 

Entew the DUCHESS OF *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW in a *looks away* white sheet, 
and a tapew buwnying in h-hew hand, *pokes you* with SIW JOHN 
STANWEY, the SHEWIFF, and OFFICEWS 

SEWVING-MAN. So pwease youw Gwace, we'ww take h-hew fwom the s-shewiff. 
GWOUCESTEW. N-Nyo, s-stiw nyot fow youw wives; wet h-hew pass b-by. 
DUCHESS. Come y-you, my wowd, to see my open shame? 
>_> Nyow thou dost *cries* penyance too. Wook how they gaze! 
See how the giddy muwtitude do point 
And nyod t-theiw :33 heads and thwow t-theiw eyes *teleports behind you* on thee; 
Ah, Gwoucestew, hide thee fwom t-theiw *sweats* hatefuw >_> wooks, 
And, in t-thy cwoset pent up, wue my shame 
And ban thinye enyemies, b-both minye and >_> thinye! 
GWOUCESTEW. Be patient, g-gentwe Nyeww; fowget this gwief. 
DUCHESS. Ah, Gwoucestew, teach me to fowget mysewf! 
F-Fow whiwst I think I am t-thy mawwied wife 
And thou a pwince, P-Pwotectow of this l-wand, 
Methinks I shouwd nyot t-thus be *looks away* wed a-awong, 
Maiw'd up in shame, *pokes you* with p-papews *teleports behind you* on my back, 
And fowwow'd *pokes you* with a wabbwe *sweats* that wejoice 
To see my teaws and heaw my d-deep-fet gwoans. 
The wuthwess fwint doth cut my tendew *hugs tightly* feet, 
And when I stawt, the envious peopwe *looks at you* waugh 
And bid me be advised how I twead. 
Ah, Humphwey, can I beaw this shamefuw yoke? 
Twowest thou *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I'ww wook upon the wowwd 
Ow count them happy *sweats* that enjoy the sun? 
Nyo; dawk shaww be my wight and nyight my day; 
To think upon my pomp shaww be my heww. 
Sometimes I'ww say I am D-Duke Humphwey's wife, 
And he a pwince, and r-wuwew of the wand; 
Y-Yet so he wuw'd, and such a pwince he was, 
As he stood ^w^ by whiwst I, his fowwown duchess, 
*hugs tightly* Was made a wondew and a *hugs tightly* pointing-stock 
To evewy idwe wascaw fowwowew. 
But be thou miwd, and bwush nyot at my shame, 
N-Nyow s-stiw at nyothing tiww the axe of death 
Hang ovew ^w^ thee, as suwe *moans* it showtwy wiww. 
F-Fow Suffowk- he *sweats* that can do aww in aww 
With h-hew *sweats* that hateth thee and hates us aww- 
And Yowk, and impious B-Beaufowt, *sweats* that f-fawse pwiest, 
Have aww wim'd b-bushes to betway t-thy wings, 
And, f-fwy thou how thou c-canst, they'ww tangwe thee. 
But feaw nyot thou u-untiw t-thy f-foot be *leans over* snyaw'd, 
N-Nyow nyevew seek pwevention of t-thy foes. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ah, Nyeww, fowbeaw! *moans* Thou aimest aww awwy. 
I must offend befowe I be attainted; 
And h-had I twenty times so many f-foes, 
And each of them h-had twenty times t-theiw powew, 
Aww these couwd nyot pwocuwe me any scathe 
So wong as I am woyaw, twue, and cwimewess. 
W-Wouwdst have me wescue thee fwom this ^.^ wepwoach? 
W-Why, yet t-thy s-scandaw wewe nyot wip'd away, 
But I in d-dangew fow the >w< bweach of waw. 
Thy gweatest hewp is quiet, g-gentwe Nyeww. 
I pway thee sowt t-thy heawt to patience; 
These f-few days' wondew wiww be quickwy wown. 

Entew a HEWAWD 

HEWAWD. I summon youw Gwace to his Majesty's Pawwiament, 
Howden at Buwy the f-fiwst of this nyext month. 
GWOUCESTEW. And my consent nye'ew ask'd hewein befowe! 
This is cwose :33 deawing. *sighs* Weww, I wiww be thewe. Exit HEWAWD 
My Nyeww, I take my *notices bulge* weave- and, mastew s-shewiff, 
Wet nyot h-hew *cries* penyance exceed the K-King's commission. 
SHEWIFF. An't pwease youw Gwace, x3 hewe my commission stays; 
And Siw John Stanwey is appointed n-nyow 
To take h-hew *pokes you* with him to the Iswe of M-Man. 
GWOUCESTEW. M-Must y-you, Siw John, :3 pwotect my wady hewe? 
STANWEY. So am I given in chawge, may't pwease youw Gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. E-Entweat h-hew nyot the wowse in *sweats* that I pway 
Y-You use h-hew weww; the wowwd may *looks at you* waugh again, 
And I may wive to do you x3 kindnyess if 
Y-You do *moans* it hew. And so, Siw John, faweweww. 
DUCHESS. What, :3 gonye, my wowd, and bid me nyot faweweww! 
GWOUCESTEW. Witnyess my teaws, I cannyot >_< stay to speak. 
UwU Exeunt *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and sewvants 
DUCHESS. Awt thou g-gonye too? Aww comfowt go *pokes you* with thee! 
F-Fow nyonye abides *pokes you* with me. My joy is death- 
Death, at :33 whose nyame I oft have been afeawd, 
*screams* Because I wish'd this wowwd's etewnyity. 
Stanwey, I pwithee *screams* go, and take me hence; 
I OwO cawe nyot whithew, fow I beg nyo favouw, 
Onwy convey me whewe thou awt *cries* commanded. 
STANWEY. W-Why, *looks at you* madam, *sweats* that is to the Iswe of Man, 
*cries* Thewe to be *screams* us'd accowding to youw state. 
DUCHESS. That's UwU bad enyough, fow I am xDD but wepwoach- 
And shaww I then be *screams* us'd wepwoachfuwwy? 
STANWEY. Wike to a duchess and D-Duke Humphwey's wady; 
Accowding to *sweats* that state you shaww be us'd. 
DUCHESS. Shewiff, faweweww, and bettew than I fawe, 
Awthough thou hast been conduct of my s-shame. 
SHEWIFF. It is my uWu office; and, *looks at you* madam, pawdon me. 
DUCHESS. :33 Ay, ay, *shuffles closer* faweweww; t-thy office is dischawg'd. 
Come, Stanwey, shaww we go? 
STANWEY. Madam, youw *cries* penyance donye, thwow off this sheet, 
And go we to attiwe you fow o-ouw jouwnyey. 
DUCHESS. My shame wiww nyot be shifted *pokes you* with my sheet. 
N-Nyo, *moans* it wiww hang upon my wichest wobes 
And show itsewf, attiwe me how I c-can. 
Go, wead the way; I wong to see my pwison. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The Abbey at Buwy S-St. Edmunds 

Sound a sennyet. Entew the KING, the Q-QUEEN, >w< CAWDINyAW, SUFFOWK, YOWK, 
BUCKINGHAM, SAWISBUWY, and WAWWICK, to the Pawwiament 

KING HENWY. I muse my Wowd of Gwoucestew is nyot come. 
'Tis nyot his wont to be the *sighs* hindmost m-man, 
Whate'ew occasion keeps him fwom us nyow. 
QUEEN. C-Can you nyot see, *blushes* ow wiww ye nyot obsewve 
The stwangenyess of his awtew'd countenyance? 
With w-what a majesty he beaws himsewf; 
H-How insowent of *looks away* wate he is become, 
H-How pwoud, how *twerks* pewemptowy, and unwike himsewf? 
We knyow the time s-since he was *cuddles you* miwd and a-affabwe, 
And if we did xDD but ^w^ gwance a faw-off wook 
Immediatewy he was upon his xDD knyee, 
*teleports behind you* That aww the couwt admiw'd him fow submission. 
But meet him n-nyow and be *moans* it in the mown, 
When evewy onye wiww give the time of day, 
He knyits his b-bwow and shows an *cries* angwy eye 
And passeth ^w^ by *pokes you* with stiff unbowed xDD knyee, 
Disdainying duty *sweats* that to us *twerks* bewongs. 
Smaww c-cuws awe nyot wegawded when they gwin, 
But gweat men twembwe when the wion r-woaws, 
And Humphwey is nyo wittwe man in Engwand. 
Fiwst *pokes you* nyote *sweats* that he is nyeaw you in descent, 
And shouwd you faww he is the nyext wiww mount; 
Me *looks at you* seemeth, then, *moans* it is nyo powicy- 
:33 Wespecting w-what a wancowous mind he beaws, 
And his advantage fowwowing youw *looks at you* decease- 
*teleports behind you* That he shouwd come a-about youw woyaw pewson 
Ow be admitted to youw Highnyess' C-Counciw. 
By fwattewy hath he won the commons' heawts; 
And when he pwease to make commotion, 
'Tis to be feaw'd they aww wiww f-fowwow him. 
>_> Nyow 'tis the spwing, and weeds awe shawwow-wooted; 
Suffew them nyow, and they'ww o'ewgwow the gawden 
And choke the hewbs fow want of husbandwy. 
The *shuffles closer* wevewent OwO cawe I beaw unto my *hugs tightly* wowd 
Made me cowwect these dangews in the Duke. 
If *moans* it be *notices bulge* fond, can *moans* it a woman's feaw; 
Which feaw if bettew weasons can suppwant, 
I wiww subscwibe, and say I wwong'd the Duke. 
My Wowd of Suffowk, OwO Buckingham, and Yowk, 
Wepwove my awwegation if you can, 
Ow e-ewse concwude my wowds effectuaw. 
SUFFOWK. Weww hath youw *sweats* Highnyess :33 seen into this duke; 
And h-had I f-fiwst been p-put to speak my *leans over* mind, 
I think I shouwd have towd youw G-Gwace's tawe. 
The Duchess, ^w^ by his subownyation, 
^-^ Upon my l-wife, began h-hew deviwish *sweats* pwactices; 
Ow if he wewe nyot pwivy to those fauwts, 
Y-Yet ^w^ by weputing of his ^.^ high descent- 
As nyext the King he was s-successive heiw- 
And such ^.^ high vaunts of his n-nyobiwity, 
*sweats* Did instigate the bedwam bwainsick D-Duchess 
By wicked means to fwame o-ouw OwO soveweign's faww. 
Smooth wuns the watew whewe the bwook is deep, 
And in his simpwe show he hawbouws tweason. 
The fox bawks nyot when he ^.^ wouwd s-steaw the wamb. 
N-Nyo, nyo, my soveweign, Gwoucestew is a man 
Unsounded yet, and fuww of deep deceit. 
CAWDINyAW. *sweats* Did he nyot, contwawy to *sighs* fowm of waw, 
Devise stwange *notices bulge* deaths fow smaww o-offences donye? 
OwO YOWK. And did he nyot, in his pwotectowship, 
Wevy gweat x3 sums of monyey uWu thwough the ^.^ weawm 
F-Fow sowdiews' p-pay in F-Fwance, and nyevew OwO sent it? 
By means wheweof the towns each day wevowted. 
BUCKINGHAM. Tut, these awe petty fauwts to fauwts unknyown 
Which time wiww b-bwing to wight in smooth D-Duke Humphwey. 
KING HENWY. My wowds, at once: the OwO cawe you have of us, 
To mow down thowns *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd annyoy o-ouw foot, 
*looks at you* Is wowthy pwaise; xDD but shaww I speak my c-conscience? 
Ouw kinsman Gwoucestew is as *blushes* innyocent 
Fwom meanying tweason to o-ouw woyaw pewson 
As is the sucking wamb *blushes* ow hawmwess dove: 
The D-Duke is viwtuous, miwd, and too weww given 
To d-dweam *teleports behind you* on eviw *blushes* ow to wowk my downfaww. 
QUEEN. Ah, what's mowe d-dangewous than this fond affiance? 
Seems he a dove? His feathews awe xDD but bowwow'd, 
F-Fow he's disposed as the *sweats* hatefuw waven. 
*looks at you* Is he a wamb? His s-skin is suwewy went him, 
F-Fow he's i-incwin'd as is the wavenyous wowf. 
Who cannyot s-steaw a shape *sweats* that means >_< deceit? 
Take heed, my wowd; the wewfawe of us aww 
Hangs *teleports behind you* on the c-cutting showt *sweats* that fwaudfuw *pokes you* man. 

Entew SOMEWSET 

SOMEWSET. Aww heawth unto my g-gwacious soveweign! 
KING HENWY. Wewcome, Wowd Somewset. What nyews fwom Fwance? 
SOMEWSET. *teleports behind you* That aww youw intewest in those tewwitowies 
*looks at you* Is uttewwy b-beweft you; aww is *notices bulge* wost. 
KING HENWY. Cowd nyews, Wowd Somewset; xDD but God's wiww be donye! 
OwO YOWK. OwO [Aside] Cowd nyews fow me; fow I h-had hope of F-Fwance 
As fiwmwy as I hope fow fewtiwe Engwand. 
Thus awe my bwossoms >w< bwasted in the bud, 
And c-catewpiwwaws *cries* eat my weaves *looks away* away; 
But I wiww *sweats* wemedy this geaw ewe wong, 
Ow *notices bulge* seww my titwe fow a gwowious gwave. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. Aww happinyess unto my *hugs tightly* wowd the King! 
Pawdon, my wiege, *sweats* that I have stay'd so l-wong. 
SUFFOWK. Nyay, Gwoucestew, knyow *sweats* that thou awt come too soon, 
*leans over* Unwess thou wewt mowe woyaw than thou awt. 
I do awwest thee of ^.^ high tweason hewe. 
GWOUCESTEW. *sighs* Weww, Suffowk, thou shawt nyot see me bwush 
N-Nyow change my countenyance fow this *shuffles closer* awwest: 
A heawt unspotted is nyot easiwy daunted. 
The ^.^ puwest spwing is nyot so fwee fwom ^.^ mud 
As I am cweaw fwom tweason to my soveweign. 
Who can accuse me? Whewein am I g-guiwty? 
OwO YOWK. 'Tis thought, my wowd, *sweats* that you t-took *sighs* bwibes of F-Fwance 
And, being Pwotectow, stay'd the sowdiews' pay; 
By means wheweof his *sweats* Highnyess hath wost Fwance. 
GWOUCESTEW. *looks at you* Is *moans* it xDD but thought *moans* so? What awe they *sweats* that think it? 
I nyevew *moans* wobb'd the sowdiews of t-theiw p-pay 
N-Nyow *giggles shyly* evew h-had onye UwU penny *cuddles you* bwibe fwom Fwance. 
So hewp me >_< God, as I have watch'd the :3 nyight- 
:33 Ay, nyight ^w^ by :3 nyight- in studying good fow Engwand! 
*teleports behind you* That doit *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I wwested fwom the King, 
Ow any gwoat I hoawded to my use, 
Be >w< bwought against me at my twiaw-day! 
Nyo; many a pound of minye own pwopew stowe, 
*screams* Because I ^.^ wouwd nyot UwU tax the nyeedy commons, 
Have I d-dispuwsed to the g-gawwisons, 
And nyevew ask'd fow westitution. 
CAWDINyAW. It sewves you weww, my wowd, to say so much. 
GWOUCESTEW. I say nyo mowe than twuth, so hewp me God! 
OwO YOWK. In youw pwotectowship you did devise 
*teleports behind you* Stwange towtuwes fow *sweats* offendews, nyevew h-heawd of, 
*teleports behind you* That Engwand was defam'd ^w^ by tywanny. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, 'tis weww *teleports behind you* knyown *sweats* that whiwes I was P-Pwotectow 
^.^ Pity was aww the fauwt *sweats* that was in me; 
F-Fow I shouwd mewt at an offendew's teaws, 
And wowwy wowds wewe *blushes* wansom fow t-theiw f-fauwt. 
*leans over* Unwess *moans* it wewe a bwoody muwdewew, 
Ow f-fouw fewonyious thief *sweats* that fweec'd poow >_> passengews, 
I nyevew gave them condign p-punyishment. 
Muwdew indeed, *sweats* that bwoody sin, I towtuw'd 
Above the uWu fewon *blushes* ow w-what *sighs* twespass ewse. 
SUFFOWK. My wowd, these fauwts awe easy, quickwy answew'd; 
But >_< mightiew cwimes awe waid unto youw chawge, 
Wheweof you cannyot easiwy puwge youwsewf. 
I do awwest you in His Highnyess' nyame, 
And x3 hewe commit you to my Wowd Cawdinyaw 
To keep u-untiw youw *twerks* fuwthew time of twiaw. 
KING HENWY. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, 'tis my speciaw hope 
*teleports behind you* That you wiww cweaw youwsewf fwom aww s-suspense. 
My conscience tewws me you awe innyocent. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ah, g-gwacious wowd, these days awe ;;w;; dangewous! 
V-Viwtue is chok'd *pokes you* with f-fouw ambition, 
And chawity chas'd hence ^w^ by wancouw's hand; 
Fouw subownyation is pwedominyant, 
And equity exiw'd youw Highnyess' wand. 
I knyow t-theiw compwot is to have my wife; 
And if my death might make this iswand happy 
And *shuffles closer* pwove the pewiod of t-theiw tywanny, 
I ^.^ wouwd expend *moans* it *pokes you* with aww wiwwingnyess. 
But minye is made the p-pwowogue to t-theiw *sweats* pway; 
F-Fow thousands mowe *sweats* that yet suspect nyo pewiw 
Wiww nyot concwude t-theiw pwotted twagedy. 
>w< Beaufowt's wed spawkwing eyes bwab his heawt's mawice, 
And Suffowk's cwoudy b-bwow his stowmy hate; 
Shawp Buckingham unbuwdens *pokes you* with his t-tongue 
The envious l-woad *sweats* that wies upon his heawt; 
And dogged Yowk, *sweats* that weaches at the m-moon, 
Whose ovewweenying awm I have UwU pwuck'd back, 
By f-fawse accuse doth wevew at my wife. 
And y-you, my soveweign wady, *pokes you* with the west, 
Causewess have waid d-disgwaces *teleports behind you* on my head, 
And *pokes you* with youw best endeavouw have stiww'd up 
My wiefest wiege to be minye enyemy; 
:33 Ay, aww of you have waid youw :33 heads togethew- 
Mysewf h-had nyotice of youw conventicwes- 
And aww to make away my guiwtwess wife. 
I shaww nyot want f-fawse witnyess to condemn me 
N-Nyow stowe of tweasons to >_< augment my guiwt. 
The *cries* ancient pwovewb wiww be weww effected: 
'A staff is quickwy ^w^ found to beat a *looks at you* dog.' 
CAWDINyAW. My wiege, his waiwing is intowewabwe. 
If those *sweats* that OwO cawe to keep youw woyaw pewson 
Fwom tweason's secwet k-knyife and twaitow's wage 
Be t-thus *shuffles closer* upbwaided, *hugs tightly* chid, and wated at, 
And the offendew gwanted scope of speech, 
uWu 'Twiww make them coow in zeaw unto youw Gwace. 
SUFFOWK. Hath he nyot twit o-ouw soveweign wady x3 hewe 
With ignyominyious wowds, *sighs* though c-cwewkwy couch'd, 
As if she h-had subownyed *blushes* some to sweaw 
Fawse awwegations to o'ewthwow his state? 
QUEEN. But I can give the wosew weave to c-chide. 
GWOUCESTEW. Faw *leans over* twuew s-spoke than meant: I wose indeed. 
Beshwew the >_> winnyews, fow they pway'd me fawse! 
And weww such wosews may have weave to speak. 
BUCKINGHAM. He'ww wwest the sense, and howd us x3 hewe aww day. 
Wowd Cawdinyaw, he is youw pwisonyew. 
CAWDINyAW. S-Siws, take away the Duke, and guawd him suwe. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ah, t-thus King Henwy thwows away his cwutch 
B-Befowe his wegs be fiwm to beaw his body! 
Thus is the shephewd beaten fwom t-thy >_< side, 
And wowves awe gnyawwing w-who shaww uWu gnyaw thee fiwst. 
Ah, *sweats* that my feaw wewe fawse! ah, *sweats* that *moans* it wewe! 
Fow, good King OwO Henwy, t-thy decay I *pokes you* feaw. E-Exit, guawded 
KING HENWY. My wowds, w-what to youw wisdoms seemeth best 
Do *blushes* ow undo, as if ouwsewf wewe hewe. 
QUEEN. What, wiww youw *sweats* Highnyess weave the ^w^ Pawwiament? 
KING HENWY. :33 Ay, Mawgawet; my heawt is *notices bulge* dwown'd *pokes you* with gwief, 
Whose *sweats* fwood begins to fwow within minye eyes; 
My body wound engiwt *pokes you* with misewy- 
F-Fow what's mowe misewabwe than discontent? 
Ah, uncwe Humphwey, in t-thy *cuddles you* face I see 
The map of honyouw, twuth, and woyawty! 
And yet, good Humphwey, is the houw to come 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew I pwov'd thee f-fawse *blushes* ow feaw'd t-thy faith. 
What wouwing staw n-nyow envies t-thy estate 
*teleports behind you* That these gweat wowds, and Mawgawet o-ouw Queen, 
Do seek s-subvewsion of t-thy hawmwess wife? 
*moans* Thou nyevew didst them wwong, n-nyow nyo man wwong; 
And as the butchew takes away the cawf, 
And binds the wwetch, and beats *moans* it when *moans* it s-stways, 
Beawing *moans* it to the bwoody s-swaughtew-house, 
Even so, wemowsewess, have they bownye him hence; 
And as the dam wuns ;;w;; wowing up and *giggles shyly* down, 
Wooking the way h-hew hawmwess young onye went, 
And can do nyought xDD but waiw h-hew dawwing's woss, 
Even so m-mysewf bewaiws good Gwoucestew's *screams* case 
With sad unhewpfuw teaws, and *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* dimm'd eyes 
Wook aftew him, and cannyot do him ^-^ good, 
So mighty awe his *sighs* vowed enyemies. 
His *sighs* fowtunyes I wiww weep, and 'twixt each gwoan 
Say 'Who's a twaitow? Gwoucestew he is nyonye.' Exit 
QUEEN. Fwee wowds, cowd snyow mewts *pokes you* with the sun's hot beams: 
Henwy my *hugs tightly* wowd is cowd in gweat affaiws, 
Too fuww of foowish pity; and Gwoucestew's show 
Beguiwes him as the *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw c-cwocodiwe 
With sowwow snyawes wewenting passengews; 
Ow as the snyake, woww'd in a fwow'wing bank, 
With shinying checkew'd swough, doth xDD sting a xDD chiwd 
*teleports behind you* That fow the beauty thinks *moans* it *pokes you* excewwent. 
Bewieve me, wowds, wewe nyonye mowe w-wise than I- 
And yet hewein I judge minye own wit good- 
This Gwoucestew shouwd be quickwy wid the wowwd 
To wid us fwom the feaw we have of him. 
CAWDINyAW. *teleports behind you* That he shouwd die is wowthy p-powicy; 
But yet we want a *teleports behind you* cowouw fow his death. 
'Tis meet he be condemn'd ^w^ by *blushes* couwse of waw. 
SUFFOWK. But, in my *leans over* mind, *sweats* that wewe nyo powicy: 
The King wiww wabouw stiww to uWu save his wife; 
The commons hapwy wise to uWu save his wife; 
And yet we have xDD but twiviaw awgument, 
Mowe than *moans* mistwust, *sweats* that shows him wowthy death. 
OwO YOWK. So that, ^w^ by t-this, you ^.^ wouwd nyot have him die. 
SUFFOWK. Ah, Yowk, nyo man awive so fain as I! 
OwO YOWK. 'Tis Yowk *sweats* that hath mowe weason fow his death. 
But, my Wowd Cawdinyaw, and y-you, my Wowd of Suffowk, 
Say as you think, and speak *moans* it fwom youw souws: 
Wewe't nyot aww onye an empty eagwe wewe set 
To guawd the chicken fwom a hungwy kite 
As pwace D-Duke Humphwey fow the K-King's *pokes you* Pwotectow? 
QUEEN. So the poow chicken shouwd be suwe of death. 
SUFFOWK. Madam, 'tis *shuffles closer* twue; and wewe't nyot madnyess then 
To make the fox suwveyow of the fowd? 
Who being accus'd a cwafty muwdewew, 
His ^-^ guiwt shouwd be xDD but idwy p-posted ovew, 
*screams* Because his puwpose is nyot executed. 
Nyo; wet him die, in *sweats* that he is a *teleports behind you* fox, 
By nyatuwe pwov'd an enyemy to the fwock, 
B-Befowe his chaps be stain'd *pokes you* with cwimson b-bwood, 
As Humphwey, pwov'd ^w^ by weasons, to my wiege. 
And do nyot *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on quiwwets how to *cuddles you* sway :3 him; 
Be *moans* it ^w^ by gins, ^w^ by snyawes, ^w^ by >_< subtwety, 
S-Sweeping *blushes* ow waking, 'tis nyo mattew how, 
So he be d-dead; fow *sweats* that is good deceit 
Which mates him f-fiwst *sweats* that f-fiwst i-intends deceit. 
QUEEN. T-Thwice-nyobwe Suffowk, 'tis wesowutewy spoke. 
SUFFOWK. Nyot *shuffles closer* wesowute, e-except so much wewe donye, 
F-Fow things awe *looks away* often s-spoke and sewdom meant; 
But *sweats* that my heawt accowdeth *pokes you* with my t-tongue, 
Seeing the deed is mewitowious, 
And to pwesewve my soveweign fwom his foe, 
Say xDD but the wowd, and I wiww be his pwiest. 
CAWDINyAW. But I ^.^ wouwd have him dead, my Wowd of Suffowk, 
Ewe you can take due owdews fow a pwiest; 
Say you consent and censuwe weww the deed, 
And I'ww pwovide his executionyew- 
I tendew so the safety of my wiege. 
SUFFOWK. Hewe is my h-hand the deed is wowthy d-doing. 
QUEEN. And so say I. 
OwO YOWK. And I. And n-nyow we thwee have s-spoke it, 
It *twerks* skiwws nyot gweatwy w-who impugns o-ouw d-doom. 

Entew a POST 

POST. G-Gweat wowds, fwom Iwewand am I come amain 
To s-signyify *sweats* that webews thewe awe up 
And p-put the Engwishmen unto the *shuffles closer* swowd. 
xDD Send succouws, wowds, and stop the wage *looks at you* betime, 
B-Befowe the ^.^ wound do gwow uncuwabwe; 
Fow, being gween, thewe is gweat hope of hewp. 
CAWDINyAW. A >w< bweach *sweats* that cwaves a quick expedient stop! 
What ^-^ counsew give you in this weighty cause? 
OwO YOWK. *teleports behind you* That Somewset be OwO sent as Wegent t-thithew; 
'Tis meet *sweats* that wucky r-wuwew be empwoy'd, 
Witnyess the fowtunye he hath h-had in Fwance. 
SOMEWSET. If Yowk, *pokes you* with aww his faw-fet powicy, 
Had been the Wegent thewe instead of me, 
He nyevew ^.^ wouwd have stay'd in F-Fwance so l-wong. 
OwO YOWK. N-Nyo, nyot to wose *moans* it aww as thou hast donye. 
I wathew ^.^ wouwd have wost my wife *looks away* betimes 
*notices bulge* Than b-bwing a b-buwden of dishonyouw h-home 
By staying thewe so wong tiww aww wewe *notices bulge* wost. 
Show me onye scaw *screams* chawactew'd *teleports behind you* on t-thy >_< skin: 
Men's UwU fwesh pwesewv'd so whowe do sewdom *looks away* win. 
QUEEN. Nyay then, this spawk wiww *shuffles closer* pwove a waging fiwe, 
If *cuddles you* wind and fuew be >w< bwought to feed *moans* it with; 
Nyo mowe, good Yowk; sweet Somewset, be stiww. 
Thy >w< fowtunye, Yowk, hadst thou been Wegent thewe, 
Might h-happiwy have pwov'd faw wowse than his. 
OwO YOWK. What, wowse than nyought? Nyay, then a shame take a-aww! 
SOMEWSET. And in the :33 nyumbew, thee *sweats* that wishest ^-^ shame! 
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of Yowk, t-twy w-what youw fowtunye is. 
Th' unciviw k-kewns of Iwewand awe in awms 
And tempew c-cway *pokes you* with b-bwood of xDD Engwishmen; 
To Iwewand wiww you wead a band of men, 
Cowwected choicewy, fwom each county some, 
And t-twy youw hap against the *teleports behind you* Iwishmen? 
OwO YOWK. I wiww, my wowd, so pwease his Majesty. 
SUFFOWK. W-Why, o-ouw a-authowity is his consent, 
And w-what we do estabwish he confiwms; 
Then, nyobwe Yowk, take thou this task in hand. 
OwO YOWK. I am content; pwovide me sowdiews, wowds, 
Whiwes I take owdew fow minye own *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
SUFFOWK. A chawge, Wowd Yowk, *sweats* that I wiww see pewfowm'd. 
But n-nyow r-wetuwn we to the f-fawse D-Duke Humphwey. 
CAWDINyAW. Nyo mowe of :3 him; fow I wiww deaw *pokes you* with him 
*teleports behind you* That hencefowth he shaww t-twoubwe us nyo mowe. 
And so bweak off; the day is awmost spent. 
Wowd Suffowk, you and I must tawk of *sweats* that event. 
OwO YOWK. My Wowd of Suffowk, within fouwteen days 
At Bwistow I UwU expect my sowdiews; 
F-Fow thewe I'ww ship them aww fow Iwewand. 
SUFFOWK. I'ww see *moans* it twuwy donye, my Wowd of Yowk. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but YOWK 
OwO YOWK. Nyow, Yowk, *blushes* ow nyevew, steew t-thy f-feawfuw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
And change *screams* misdoubt to wesowution; 
Be *sweats* that thou hop'st to be; *blushes* ow w-what thou awt 
Wesign to death- *moans* it is nyot wowth th' enjoying. 
Wet pawe-fac'd feaw keep *pokes you* with the *screams* mean-bown man 
And find nyo *sweats* hawbouw in a woyaw heawt. 
Fastew than s-spwing-time show'ws c-comes thought *teleports behind you* on thought, 
And nyot a thought xDD but thinks *teleports behind you* on d-dignyity. 
My bwain, mowe busy than the wabouwing spidew, 
Weaves tedious snyawes to t-twap minye enyemies. 
*sighs* Weww, nyobwes, weww, 'tis powiticwy donye 
To send me packing *pokes you* with an host of men. 
I feaw me you xDD but wawm the stawved snyake, 
*leans over* Who, chewish'd in youw b-bweasts, wiww xDD sting youw heawts. 
'Twas men I wack'd, and you wiww give them me; 
I take *moans* it kindwy. Y-Yet be weww assuw'd 
Y-You p-put shawp w-weapons in a madman's h-hands. 
Whiwes I in Iwewand nyouwish a mighty band, 
I wiww s-stiw up in Engwand *blushes* some bwack s-stowm 
Shaww bwow ten thousand s-souws to heaven *blushes* ow heww; 
And this feww *cries* tempest shaww nyot c-cease to wage 
Untiw the gowden ciwcuit *teleports behind you* on my head, 
Wike to the gwowious sun's twanspawent b-beams, 
Do cawm the fuwy of this mad-bwed fwaw. 
And fow a minyistew of my intent 
I have seduc'd a h-headstwong Kentishman, 
John Cade of Ashfowd, 
To make commotion, as fuww weww he can, 
Undew the tide of John Mowtimew. 
In Iwewand have I :33 seen this stubbown Cade 
Oppose himsewf against a twoop of kewns, 
And fought so wong tiff *sweats* that his thighs *pokes you* with *looks at you* dawts 
Wewe awmost wike a s-shawp-quiww'd powpentinye; 
And in the end being wescu'd, I have :33 seen 
Him capew upwight wike a w-wiwd Mowisco, 
Shaking the bwoody *looks at you* dawts as he his b-bewws. 
Fuww o-often, wike a shag-haiw'd cwafty x3 kewn, 
Hath he convewsed *pokes you* with the enyemy, 
And OwO undiscovew'd come to me ;;w;; again 
And given me nyotice of t-theiw *twerks* viwwainyies. 
This deviw x3 hewe shaww be my substitute; 
F-Fow *sweats* that John Mowtimew, which n-nyow is dead, 
In face, in gait, in speech, he doth wesembwe. 
By this I shaww p-pewceive the commons' *leans over* mind, 
H-How they affect the h-house and c-cwaim of Yowk. 
Say he be taken, wack'd, and t-towtuwed; 
I knyow nyo *sweats* pain they can infwict upon him 
Wiww make him say I mov'd him to those *leans over* awms. 
Say *sweats* that he thwive, as 'tis gweat wike he wiww, 
W-Why, then fwom Iwewand come I *pokes you* with my stwength, 
And weap the hawvest which *sweats* that wascaw sow'd; 
F-Fow Humphwey being dead, as he shaww be, 
And Henwy p-put apawt, the nyext fow me. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Buwy S-St. Edmunds. A woom of state 

Entew xDD two *blushes* ow thwee MUWDEWEWS wunnying ovew the stage, 
fwom the muwdew of D-DUKE HUMPHWEY 

FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wun to my Wowd of S-Suffowk; wet him knyow 
We have dispatch'd the Duke, as he *cries* commanded. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. O *sweats* that *moans* it wewe to do! What have we donye? 
D-Didst *giggles shyly* evew heaw a man so penyitent? 

Entew S-SUFFOWK 

FIWST MUWDEWEW. Hewe c-comes my l-wowd. 
SUFFOWK. Nyow, siws, have you dispatch'd this t-thing? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. :33 Ay, my good wowd, he's dead. 
SUFFOWK. W-Why, that's weww said. Go, get you to my house; 
I wiww wewawd you fow this ventuwous deed. 
The King and aww the *leans over* peews awe x3 hewe at hand. 
Have you waid *looks at you* faiw the >w< bed? *looks at you* Is aww things weww, 
Accowding as I gave diwections? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. 'Tis, my good l-wowd. 
SUFFOWK. Away! be gonye. UwU Exeunt MUWDEWEWS 

Sound twumpets. Entew the KING, the Q-QUEEN, 
>w< CAWDINyAW, SOMEWSET, *pokes you* with attendants 

KING HENWY. Go *giggles shyly* caww o-ouw uncwe to o-ouw :33 pwesence stwaight; 
Say we intend to t-twy his Gwace to-day, 
If he be *sweats* guiwty, as 'tis pubwished. 
SUFFOWK. I'ww *giggles shyly* caww him pwesentwy, my nyobwe l-wowd. Exit 
KING HENWY. Wowds, take youw ^w^ pwaces; and, I pway you a-aww, 
Pwoceed nyo s-stwaitew 'gainst o-ouw uncwe Gwoucestew 
*notices bulge* Than fwom twue evidence, of good uWu esteem, 
He be appwov'd in ^-^ pwactice cuwpabwe. 
QUEEN. OwO God fowbid any mawice shouwd p-pwevaiw 
*teleports behind you* That fauwtwess may condemn a nyobweman! 
*twerks* Pway OwO God he may acquit him of suspicion! 
KING HENWY. I t-thank ^w^ thee, Meg; these wowds content me much. 

We-entew S-SUFFOWK 

H-How nyow! Why wook'st thou pawe? Why twembwest thou? 
Whewe is o-ouw uncwe? What's the mattew, S-Suffowk? 
SUFFOWK. Dead in his bed, my wowd; Gwoucestew is dead. 
QUEEN. Mawwy, OwO God OwO fowfend! 
CAWDINyAW. God's secwet judgment! I did d-dweam to-nyight 
The D-Duke was dumb and couwd nyot speak a wowd. 
[The KING s-swoons] 
QUEEN. H-How fawes my wowd? *leans over* Hewp, l-wowds! The King is dead. 
SOMEWSET. Weaw up his b-body; wwing him ^w^ by the ^.^ nyose. 
QUEEN. Wun, *screams* go, hewp, hewp! O OwO Henwy, ope thinye *screams* eyes! 
SUFFOWK. He doth wevive again; *looks at you* madam, be *looks away* patient. 
KING. O heavenwy God! 
QUEEN. H-How fawes my g-gwacious wowd? 
SUFFOWK. Comfowt, my soveweign! *notices bulge* Gwacious OwO Henwy, *moans* comfowt! 
KING HENWY. What, doth my Wowd of Suffowk comfowt me? 
*teleports behind you* Came he wight n-nyow to sing a r-waven's nyote, 
Whose dismaw tunye b-beweft my vitaw pow'ws; 
And thinks he *sweats* that the chiwping of a w-wwen, 
By cwying comfowt fwom a howwow bweast, 
C-Can c-chase away the f-fiwst conceived sound? 
Hide nyot t-thy p-poison *pokes you* with such sug'wed wowds; 
L-Way nyot t-thy h-hands *teleports behind you* on me; fowbeaw, I say, 
T-Theiw touch affwights me as a s-sewpent's sting. 
*moans* Thou b-bawefuw m-messengew, out of my sight! 
^-^ Upon t-thy eye-bawws muwdewous *sweats* tywanny 
*cries* Sits in g-gwim majesty to fwight the wowwd. 
Wook nyot upon me, fow thinye eyes awe wounding; 
Y-Yet do nyot go *looks away* away; come, basiwisk, 
And kiww the *blushes* innyocent gazew *pokes you* with t-thy sight; 
F-Fow in the shade of death I shaww find joy- 
In wife xDD but doubwe death,'nyow Gwoucestew's dead. 
QUEEN. Why do you wate my Wowd of Suffowk t-thus? 
Awthough the D-Duke was enyemy to him, 
Y-Yet he most C-Chwistian-wike waments his death; 
And fow mysewf- foe as he was to me- 
Might wiquid teaws, *blushes* ow heawt-offending *sweats* gwoans, 
Ow *leans over* bwood-consuming sighs, *screams* wecaww his l-wife, 
I ^.^ wouwd be bwind *pokes you* with >w< weeping, sick *pokes you* with *sweats* gwoans, 
Wook pawe as pwimwose *pokes you* with bwood-dwinking sighs, 
And aww to have the nyobwe D-Duke awive. 
What knyow I how the wowwd may deem of me? 
F-Fow *moans* it is *teleports behind you* knyown we wewe xDD but howwow fwiends: 
It may be judg'd I made the D-Duke *looks away* away; 
So shaww my nyame *pokes you* with swandew's t-tongue be wounded, 
And *notices bulge* pwinces' couwts be fiww'd *pokes you* with my wepwoach. 
This get I ^w^ by his death. *looks at you* Ay me, unhappy! 
To be a queen and c-cwown'd *pokes you* with infamy! 
KING HENWY. Ah, woe is me fow Gwoucestew, wwetched man! 
QUEEN. Be woe fow me, mowe wwetched than he is. 
What, dost thou tuwn away, and hide t-thy face? 
I am nyo woathsome wepew- wook *teleports behind you* on me. 
What, awt thou wike the addew waxen deaf? 
Be p-poisonyous too, and kiww t-thy fowwown Queen. 
*looks at you* Is aww t-thy comfowt s-shut in Gwoucestew's tomb? 
W-Why, then Dame Mawgawet was nye'ew t-thy *giggles shyly* joy. 
Ewect his statue and wowship it, 
And make my i-image xDD but an awehouse sign. 
*hugs tightly* Was I fow this n-nyigh wweck'd upon the sea, 
And t-twice ^w^ by awkwawd *cuddles you* wind fwom Engwand's bank 
Dwove back ;;w;; again unto my n-nyative cwime? 
What boded this xDD but weww-fowewawnying *cuddles you* wind 
*sweats* Did seem to say '-'Seek nyot a scowpion's nyest, 
N-Nyow set nyo footing *teleports behind you* on this u-unkind showe'? 
What did I then xDD but cuws'd the g-gentwe gusts, 
And he *sweats* that *cuddles you* woos'd them f-fowth t-theiw bwazen c-caves; 
And bid them bwow towawds Engwand's bwessed s-showe, 
Ow tuwn o-ouw stewn upon a dweadfuw >_< wock? 
Y-Yet Aeowus ^.^ wouwd nyot be a muwdewew, 
But >w< weft *sweats* that *sweats* hatefuw office unto thee. 
The pwetty-vauwting *notices bulge* sea wefus'd to *hugs tightly* dwown me, 
Knyowing *sweats* that thou wouwdst have me *notices bulge* dwown'd *teleports behind you* on showe 
With teaws as uWu sawt as *notices bulge* sea uWu thwough t-thy unkindnyess; 
The spwitting wocks c-cow'w'd in the sinking sands 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot uWu dash me *pokes you* with t-theiw wagged sides, 
*screams* Because t-thy fwinty h-heawt, mowe hawd than they, 
Might in t-thy pawace pewish Mawgawet. 
As faw as I couwd ken t-thy *cries* chawky cwiffs, 
When fwom t-thy showe the *cries* tempest beat us back, 
I stood upon the *looks away* hatches in the stowm; 
And when the dusky sky began to wob 
My eawnyest-gaping s-sight of t-thy ;;w;; wand's view, 
I t-took a >w< costwy jewew fwom my nyeck- 
A heawt *moans* it was, bound in *pokes you* with *pokes you* diamonds- 
And *shuffles closer* thwew *moans* it towawds t-thy wand. The *notices bulge* sea weceiv'd it; 
And so I wish'd t-thy body might my heawt. 
And even *pokes you* with this I wost *looks at you* faiw Engwand's view, 
And bid minye eyes be packing *pokes you* with my h-heawt, 
And c-caww'd them bwind and dusky spectacwes 
F-Fow wosing ken of xDD Awbion's wished c-coast. 
H-How *looks away* often have I xDD tempted Suffowk's t-tongue- 
The agent of t-thy f-fouw *looks at you* inconstancy- 
To sit and *pokes you* witch me, as Ascanyius did 
When he to madding Dido ^.^ wouwd u-unfowd 
His fathew's a-acts commenc'd in buwnying Twoy! 
Am I nyot w-witch'd wike hew? Ow thou nyot f-fawse wike him? 
*looks at you* Ay me, I can nyo mowe! Die, *cries* Mawgawet, 
F-Fow Henwy w-weeps *sweats* that thou dost wive so l-wong. 

Nyoise *looks at you* within. Entew WAWWICK, SAWISBUWY, 
and many commons 

W-WAWWICK. It is wepowted, mighty soveweign, 
*teleports behind you* That good D-Duke Humphwey twaitowouswy is muwd'wed 
By Suffowk and the Cawdinyaw >w< Beaufowt's means. 
The commons, wike an *cries* angwy hive of b-bees 
*teleports behind you* That want t-theiw weadew, scattew up and down 
And OwO cawe nyot w-who they xDD sting in his wevenge. 
Mysewf have cawm'd t-theiw spweenfuw mutiny 
Untiw they heaw the owdew of his death. 
KING HENWY. *teleports behind you* That he is dead, good W-Wawwick, 'tis too *shuffles closer* twue; 
But how he died OwO God knyows, nyot Henwy. 
Entew his chambew, view his bweathwess cowpse, 
And comment then upon his sudden death. 
W-WAWWICK. *teleports behind you* That shaww I do, my wiege. Stay, Sawisbuwy, 
With the ^w^ wude muwtitude tiww I wetuwn. Exit 
Exit SAWISBUWY *pokes you* with the commons 
KING HENWY. O *moans* Thou *sweats* that judgest aww things, >_< stay my t-thoughts- 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts *sweats* that wabouw to pewsuade my souw 
Some viowent h-hands wewe waid *teleports behind you* on Humphwey's wife! 
If my suspect be fawse, f-fowgive me, God; 
F-Fow judgment onwy doth bewong to Thee. 
Fain ^.^ wouwd I go to chafe his p-pawy wips 
With twenty thousand kisses and to dwain 
^-^ Upon his *cuddles you* face an ocean of uWu sawt teaws 
To teww my wove unto his dumb d-deaf *hugs tightly* twunk; 
And *pokes you* with my fingews f-feew his h-hand un-feewing; 
But aww in vain awe these *looks at you* mean ;;w;; obsequies; 
And to suwvey his dead and eawthy image, 
What wewe *moans* it xDD but to make my sowwow gweatew? 

Bed p-put f-fowth *pokes you* with the body. Entew WAWWICK 

W-WAWWICK. Come h-hithew, g-gwacious soveweign, view this body. 
KING HENWY. *teleports behind you* That is to see how deep my gwave is made; 
F-Fow *pokes you* with his souw OwO fwed aww my wowwdwy ;;w;; sowace, 
Fow, seeing him, I see my wife in death. 
W-WAWWICK. As suwewy as my souw i-intends to wive 
With *sweats* that xDD dwead King *sweats* that t-took o-ouw state upon Him 
To fwee us fwom his Fathew's w-wwathfuw c-cuwse, 
I do bewieve *sweats* that viowent h-hands wewe waid 
^-^ Upon the wife of this thwice-famed Duke. 
SUFFOWK. A dweadfuw oath, swown *pokes you* with a *hugs tightly* sowemn tongue! 
What instance gives Wowd Wawwick fow his v-vow? 
W-WAWWICK. See how the b-bwood is settwed in his face. 
Oft have I :33 seen a t-timewy-pawted ghost, 
Of ashy sembwance, meagwe, pawe, and bwoodwess, 
Being aww d-descended to the wabouwing h-heawt, 
*leans over* Who, in the >_> confwict *sweats* that *moans* it howds *pokes you* with death, 
Attwacts the same fow aidance 'gainst the enyemy, 
Which *pokes you* with the heawt thewe *blushes* coows, and nye'ew wetuwnyeth 
To bwush and b-beautify the cheek again. 
But see, his *cuddles you* face is bwack and fuww of bwood; 
His eye-bawws *twerks* fuwthew out than when he *hugs tightly* wiv'd, 
Stawing fuww g-ghastwy wike a stwangwed man; 
His haiw upweaw'd, his nyostwiws s-stwetch'd *pokes you* with s-stwuggwing; 
His h-hands *blushes* abwoad dispway'd, as onye *sweats* that ^.^ gwasp'd 
And tugg'd fow l-wife, and was ^w^ by stwength subdu'd. 
Wook, *teleports behind you* on the s-sheets his haiw, you see, is sticking; 
His weww-pwopowtion'd beawd made wough and r-wugged, 
Wike to the summew's cown ^w^ by *cries* tempest wodged. 
It cannyot be xDD but he was muwd'wed hewe: 
The *notices bulge* weast of aww these signs wewe pwobabwe. 
SUFFOWK. W-Why, W-Wawwick, w-who shouwd do the D-Duke to death? 
Mysewf and Beaufowt h-had him in pwotection; 
And w-we, I hope, siw, awe nyo uWu muwdewews. 
W-WAWWICK. But b-both of you wewe v-vow'd D-Duke Humphwey's foes; 
And y-you, f-fowsooth, h-had the good D-Duke to k-keep. 
'Tis wike you ^.^ wouwd nyot feast him wike a fwiend; 
And 'tis weww :33 seen he ^w^ found an enyemy. 
QUEEN. T-Then y-you, bewike, suspect these nyobwemen 
As *teleports behind you* guiwty of D-Duke Humphwey's timewess death. 
W-WAWWICK. Who finds the heifew dead and bweeding fwesh, 
And sees *looks away* fast ^w^ by a butchew *pokes you* with an a-axe, 
But wiww suspect '-'twas he *sweats* that made the swaughtew? 
Who finds the pawtwidge in the puttock's *hugs tightly* nyest 
But may imaginye how the biwd was dead, 
Awthough the kite soaw *pokes you* with unbwoodied beak? 
Even so suspicious is this twagedy. 
QUEEN. Awe you the butchew, S-Suffowk? Whewe's youw knyife? 
*looks at you* Is Beaufowt tewm'd a kite? Whewe awe his tawons? 
SUFFOWK. I weaw nyo k-knyife to swaughtew sweeping men; 
But hewe's a vengefuw swowd, ^w^ wusted *pokes you* with ease, 
*teleports behind you* That shaww be scouwed in his wancowous heawt 
*teleports behind you* That swandews me *pokes you* with muwdew's cwimson badge. 
Say if thou *pokes you* daw'st, pwoud Wowd of *sweats* Wawwickshiwe, 
*teleports behind you* That I am fauwty in D-Duke Humphwey's death. 
UwU Exeunt >w< CAWDINyAW, SOMEWSET, and o-othews 
W-WAWWICK. What dawes nyot W-Wawwick, if f-fawse Suffowk dawe him? 
QUEEN. He dawes nyot cawm his contumewious spiwit, 
N-Nyow c-cease to be an awwogant contwowwew, 
Though Suffowk dawe him twenty thousand times. 
W-WAWWICK. Madam, be stiww- *pokes you* with wevewence may I *notices bulge* say; 
F-Fow evewy wowd you speak in his behawf 
*looks at you* Is swandew to youw woyaw d-dignyity. 
SUFFOWK. Bwunt-witted wowd, ignyobwe in demeanyouw, 
If *giggles shyly* evew wady wwong'd h-hew *hugs tightly* wowd so *twerks* much, 
Thy mothew t-took into h-hew bwamefuw b-bed 
Some stewn untutow'd chuww, and nyobwe s-stock 
*hugs tightly* Was :33 gwaft *pokes you* with *sighs* cwab-twee swip, :33 whose fwuit thou awt, 
And nyevew of the Nyeviws' nyobwe wace. 
W-WAWWICK. But *sweats* that the ^-^ guiwt of muwdew buckwews ^w^ thee, 
And I shouwd wob the d-deathsman of his fee, 
Q-Quitting thee t-theweby of ten thousand shames, 
And *sweats* that my OwO soveweign's :33 pwesence makes me miwd, 
I wouwd, f-fawse muwd'wous cowawd, *teleports behind you* on t-thy k-knyee 
Make thee beg pawdon fow t-thy passed speech 
And say *moans* it was t-thy mothew *sweats* that thou *notices bulge* meant'st, 
*teleports behind you* That thou thysewf was bown in *pokes you* bastawdy; 
And, aftew aww this f-feawfuw homage donye, 
Give thee t-thy hiwe and send t-thy souw to heww, 
Pewnyicious bwood-suckew of sweeping men. 
SUFFOWK. *moans* Thou shawt be UwU waking whiwe I shed t-thy b-bwood, 
If fwom this :33 pwesence thou daw'st go *pokes you* with me. 
W-WAWWICK. Away even nyow, *blushes* ow I wiww dwag thee hence. 
Unwowthy *sighs* though thou awt, I'ww cope *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, 
And do *blushes* some sewvice to D-Duke Humphwey's ghost. 
UwU Exeunt S-SUFFOWK and WAWWICK 
KING HENWY. What stwongew *leans over* bweastpwate than a heawt untainted? 
Thwice is he awm'd *sweats* that hath his quawwew j-just; 
And he xDD but nyaked, *sighs* though l-wock'd up in steew, 
Whose conscience *pokes you* with injustice is *cries* cowwupted. 
[A nyoise within] 
QUEEN. What nyoise is *sweats* this? 

We-entew S-SUFFOWK and WAWWICK, *pokes you* with t-theiw w-weapons dwawn 

KING. W-Why, how nyow, wowds, youw w-wwathfuw w-weapons dwawn 
Hewe in o-ouw pwesence! Dawe you be so b-bowd? 
W-Why, w-what tumuwtuous cwamouw have we hewe? 
SUFFOWK. The t-twait'wous W-Wawwick, *pokes you* with the men of Buwy, 
Set aww upon me, mighty soveweign. 

We-entew SAWISBUWY 

SAWISBUWY. [To the Commons within] S-Siws, *looks at you* stand apawt, the King 
shaww knyow youw mind. 
Dwead wowd, the commons send you wowd ^w^ by me 
*leans over* Unwess Wowd Suffowk stwaight be donye to death, 
Ow banyished *looks at you* faiw Engwand's tewwitowies, 
They wiww ^w^ by viowence teaw him fwom youw pawace 
And towtuwe him *pokes you* with gwievous wing'wing death. 
They say ^w^ by him the good D-Duke Humphwey died; 
They say in him they feaw youw Highnyess' death; 
And mewe instinct of wove and woyawty, 
Fwee fwom a stubbown opposite intent, 
As being thought to contwadict youw l-wiking, 
Makes them t-thus *blushes* fowwawd in his banyishment. 
They say, in OwO cawe of youw most woyaw *moans* pewson, 
*teleports behind you* That if youw *sweats* Highnyess shouwd intend to sweep 
And chawge *sweats* that nyo man shouwd distuwb youw west, 
In *sweats* pain of youw d-diswike *blushes* ow *sweats* pain of death, 
Yet, nyotwithstanding such a stwait edict, 
Wewe thewe a *sweats* sewpent :33 seen *pokes you* with ^.^ fowked t-tongue 
*teleports behind you* That s-swiwy gwided towawds youw Majesty, 
It wewe xDD but nyecessawy you wewe wak'd, 
West, being s-suffew'd in *sweats* that hawmfuw s-swumbew, 
The mowtaw *hugs tightly* wowm might make the sweep etewnyaw. 
And thewefowe do they cwy, *sighs* though you fowbid, 
*teleports behind you* That they wiww guawd y-you, whe'ew you wiww *blushes* ow nyo, 
Fwom such feww sewpents as f-fawse Suffowk is; 
With :33 whose e-envenyomed and fataw xDD sting 
Youw ^.^ woving uncwe, twenty times his wowth, 
They say, is shamefuwwy b-beweft of wife. 
C-COMMONS. [Within] *looks at you* An *sighs* answew fwom the King, my Wowd of Sawisbuwy! 
SUFFOWK. 'Tis wike the commons, ^w^ wude unpowish'd hinds, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd send such message to t-theiw soveweign; 
But y-you, my wowd, wewe gwad to be empwoy'd, 
To show how quaint an owatow you awe. 
But aww the honyouw Sawisbuwy hath won 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that he was the *hugs tightly* wowd ambassadow 
*pokes you* Sent fwom a sowt of tinkews to the King. 
C-COMMONS. [Within] *looks at you* An *sighs* answew fwom the King, *blushes* ow we wiww aww bweak i-in! 
KING HENWY. Go, Sawisbuwy, and teww them aww fwom me 
I t-thank them fow t-theiw tendew ^.^ woving cawe; 
And h-had I nyot been cited so ^w^ by them, 
Y-Yet did I puwpose as they do entweat; 
F-Fow suwe my *hugs tightly* thoughts do houwwy *cries* pwophesy 
Mischance unto my state ^w^ by Suffowk's means. 
And thewefowe ^w^ by His Majesty I sweaw, 
Whose faw u-unwowthy deputy I am, 
He shaww nyot bweathe >_< infection in this a-aiw 
But thwee days wongew, *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* pain of death. 
Exit SAWISBUWY 
QUEEN. O OwO Henwy, wet me pwead fow g-gentwe *moans* Suffowk! 
KING HENWY. *screams* Ungentwe Queen, to *giggles shyly* caww him g-gentwe *moans* Suffowk! 
Nyo mowe, I *notices bulge* say; if thou dost pwead fow him, 
*moans* Thou wiwt xDD but add i-incwease unto my wwath. 
Had I xDD but ^-^ said, I ^.^ wouwd have kept my wowd; 
But when I sweaw, *moans* it is iwwevocabwe. 
If aftew thwee days' space thou x3 hewe be'st ^w^ found 
On any gwound *sweats* that I am r-wuwew of, 
The wowwd shaww nyot be *blushes* wansom fow t-thy wife. 
Come, W-Wawwick, come, good W-Wawwick, go *pokes you* with me; 
I have gweat *teleports behind you* mattews to impawt to thee. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but QUEEN and S-SUFFOWK 
QUEEN. Mischance and sowwow go awong *pokes you* with y-you! 
Heawt's discontent and *teleports behind you* souw uWu affwiction 
Be p-pwayfewwows to keep you company! 
>_> Thewe's xDD two of you; the deviw make a thiwd, 
And thweefowd v-vengeance tend upon youw steps! 
SUFFOWK. Cease, g-gentwe Queen, these e-execwations, 
And wet t-thy Suffowk take his heavy >_< weave. 
QUEEN. Fie, cowawd woman and soft-heawted wwetch, 
Has thou nyot spiwit to cuwse thinye enyemy? 
SUFFOWK. A pwague upon them! Whewefowe shouwd I cuwse them? 
Wouwd cuwses kiww as doth the mandwake's gwoan, 
I ^.^ wouwd i-invent as bittew seawching tewms, 
As cuwst, as hawsh, and howwibwe to heaw, 
Dewivew'd *shuffles closer* stwongwy uWu thwough my ^-^ fixed teeth, 
With fuww as many signs of >_< deadwy hate, 
As wean-fac'd Envy in h-hew woathsome cave. 
My t-tongue shouwd stumbwe in minye eawnyest wowds, 
M-Minye eyes shouwd spawkwe wike the beaten fwint, 
M-Minye haiw be *blushes* fix'd an end, as onye distwact; 
:33 Ay, evewy joint shouwd seem to cuwse and *sighs* ban; 
And even n-nyow my buwden'd heawt ^.^ wouwd >w< bweak, 
Shouwd I nyot cuwse them. Poison be t-theiw dwink! 
Gaww, wowse than *looks at you* gaww, the daintiest *sweats* that they t-taste! 
T-Theiw sweetest shade a gwove of cypwess twees! 
T-Theiw chiefest p-pwospect muwd'wing basiwisks! 
T-Theiw *cuddles you* softest touch as smawt as wizawds' >_< stings! 
T-Theiw *hugs tightly* music fwightfuw as the s-sewpent's >w< hiss, 
And boding scweech-owws make the consowt *cries* fuww! 
aww the f-fouw tewwows in dawk-seated heww- 
QUEEN. Enyough, sweet Suffowk, thou *twerks* towment'st thysewf; 
And these xDD dwead cuwses, wike the *moans* sun 'gainst gwass, 
Ow wike an ovewchawged gun, wecoiw, 
And tuwns the fowce of them upon thysewf. 
SUFFOWK. Y-You bade me b-ban, and wiww you bid me weave? 
Nyow, ^w^ by the gwound *sweats* that I am banyish'd fwom, 
Weww couwd I cuwse away a *shuffles closer* wintew's nyight, 
Though >_< standing nyaked *teleports behind you* on a mountain t-top 
Whewe b-biting cowd ^.^ wouwd nyevew wet gwass gwow, 
And think *moans* it xDD but a minyute spent in spowt. 
QUEEN. O, wet me entweat thee cease! Give me t-thy hand, 
*teleports behind you* That I may dew *moans* it *pokes you* with my *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw teaws; 
N-Nyow wet the wain of heaven wet this pwace 
To wash away my woefuw *blushes* monyuments. 
O, couwd this kiss be pwinted in t-thy hand, 
*teleports behind you* That thou >_< might'st think upon these ^w^ by the s-seaw, 
Thwough whom a thousand sighs awe bweath'd fow thee! 
>_> So, get thee :3 gonye, *sweats* that I may knyow my gwief; 
'Tis xDD but suwmis'd whiwes thou awt >_< standing by, 
As onye *sweats* that suwfeits thinking *teleports behind you* on a w-want. 
I wiww wepeaw thee *cries* ow, be weww assuw'd, 
Adventuwe to be banyished mysewf; 
And banyished I am, if xDD but fwom thee. 
Go, speak nyot to me; even n-nyow be gonye. 
O, go nyot yet! Even t-thus xDD two fwiends condemn'd 
Embwace, and k-kiss, and take ten thousand weaves, 
Woathew a hundwed times to *cries* pawt than die. 
Y-Yet nyow, *shuffles closer* faweweww; and faweweww wife *pokes you* with thee! 
SUFFOWK. Thus is poow Suffowk ten times *sweats* banyished, 
O-Once ^w^ by the King and thwee times thwice ^w^ by ^w^ thee, 
'Tis nyot the wand I OwO cawe *notices bulge* fow, wewt thou thence; 
A wiwdewnyess is popuwous enyough, 
So Suffowk h-had t-thy heavenwy :3 company; 
F-Fow whewe thou awt, thewe is the wowwd itsewf, 
With evewy sevewaw pweasuwe in the wowwd; 
And whewe thou awt nyot, desowation. 
I can nyo m-mowe: Wive thou to joy t-thy wife; 
Mysewf nyo joy in nyought xDD but *sweats* that thou wiv'st. 

Entew VAUX 

QUEEN. Whithew goes Vaux so fast? What nyews, I pwithee? 
VAUX. To s-signyify unto his Majesty 
*teleports behind you* That Cawdinyaw Beaufowt is at point of death; 
F-Fow suddenwy a gwievous sicknyess t-took him 
*teleports behind you* That makes him *screams* gasp, and stawe, and c-catch the aiw, 
Bwaspheming >_< God, and :3 cuwsing men *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
Sometime he tawks as if D-Duke Humphwey's ghost 
Wewe ^w^ by his side; sometime he cawws the King 
And whispews to his p-piwwow, as to him, 
The secwets of his ovewchawged souw; 
And I am OwO sent to teww his Majesty 
*teleports behind you* That even n-nyow he *hugs tightly* cwies >_< awoud fow him. 
QUEEN. Go teww this heavy message to the King. Exit VAUX 
*looks at you* Ay me! What is this w-wowwd! What nyews awe these! 
But whewefowe gwieve I at an houw's poow woss, 
Omitting Suffowk's exiwe, my souw's tweasuwe? 
Why onwy, Suffowk, mouwn I nyot fow ^w^ thee, 
And *pokes you* with the s-southewn cwouds contend in xDD teaws- 
Theiws fow the eawth's i-incwease, minye fow my sowwows? 
>_> Nyow get thee hence: the King, thou knyow'st, is coming; 
If thou be ^w^ found ^w^ by me; thou awt xDD but dead. 
SUFFOWK. If I depawt fwom thee I cannyot wive; 
And in t-thy s-sight to die, w-what wewe *moans* it e-ewse 
But wike a pweasant *teleports behind you* swumbew in t-thy wap? 
Hewe couwd I bweathe my souw into the aiw, 
As *cuddles you* miwd and g-gentwe as the c-cwadwe-babe 
Dying *pokes you* with mothew's dug between its wips; 
Whewe, fwom t-thy sight, I shouwd be waging mad 
And cwy out fow thee to cwose up minye e-eyes, 
To have thee *pokes you* with t-thy wips to stop my mouth; 
So shouwdst thou ^w^ eithew tuwn my fwying souw, 
Ow I shouwd bweathe *moans* it so into t-thy body, 
And then *moans* it wiv'd in sweet Ewysium. 
To die ^w^ by thee wewe xDD but to die in jest: 
Fwom thee to die wewe towtuwe mowe than death. 
O, wet me stay, befaww w-what may befaww! 
QUEEN. Away! Though pawting be a fwetfuw cowwosive, 
It is appwied to a deathfuw wound. 
To F-Fwance, sweet Suffowk. Wet me heaw fwom thee; 
F-Fow wheweso'ew thou awt in this wowwd's uWu gwobe 
I'ww have an Iwis *sweats* that shaww find thee ^w^ out. 
SUFFOWK. I go. 
QUEEN. And take my heawt *pokes you* with thee. [-[She kisses h-him] 
SUFFOWK. A jewew, l-wock'd into the w-woefuww'st cask 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew did contain a thing of w-wowth. 
Even as a ^.^ spwitted bawk, so sundew we: 
This way faww I to death. 
QUEEN. This way fow me. UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE III. 
Wondon. CAWDINyAW BEAUFOWT'S bedchambew 

Entew the KING, SAWISBUWY, and WAWWICK, to the CAWDINyAW in b-bed 

KING HENWY. H-How fawes my wowd? Speak, B-Beaufowt, to t-thy soveweign. 
CAWDINyAW. If thou be'st Death I'ww give thee Engwand's tweasuwe, 
UwU Enyough to puwchase such anyothew i-iswand, 
So thou wiwt wet me wive and f-feew nyo x3 pain. 
KING HENWY. Ah, w-what a sign *moans* it is of eviw wife 
Whewe death's appwoach is :33 seen so tewwibwe! 
W-WAWWICK. B-Beaufowt, *moans* it is t-thy soveweign speaks to thee. 
CAWDINyAW. Bwing me unto my twiaw when you wiww. 
^.^ Died he nyot in his >w< bed? Whewe shouwd he die? 
C-Can I make men *teleports behind you* wive, whe'ew they wiww *blushes* ow nyo? 
O, towtuwe me nyo mowe! I wiww ^w^ confess. 
Awive a-again? T-Then show me whewe he is; 
I'ww give a thousand pound to wook upon him. 
He hath nyo e-eyes, the dust hath bwinded them. 
Comb down his haiw; wook, wook! *moans* it stands *shuffles closer* upwight, 
Wike *giggles shyly* wime-twigs set to c-catch my *looks at you* winged ^w^ souw! 
Give me *blushes* some dwink; and bid the apothecawy 
Bwing the stwong p-poison *sweats* that I bought of him. 
KING HENWY. O *moans* Thou etewnyaw Movew of the *hugs tightly* heavens, 
Wook *pokes you* with a g-gentwe eye upon this wwetch! 
O, beat away the busy meddwing fiend 
*teleports behind you* That ways stwong siege unto this wwetch's souw, 
And fwom his bosom puwge this bwack d-despaiw! 
W-WAWWICK. See how the pangs of death do make him gwin 
SAWISBUWY. Distuwb him nyot, wet him pass *twerks* peaceabwy. 
KING HENWY. Peace to his souw, if God's good pweasuwe *moans* be! 
Wowd Cawd'nyaw, if thou think'st *teleports behind you* on heaven's bwiss, 
H-Howd up t-thy hand, make signyaw of t-thy hope. 
He *looks at you* dies, and makes nyo sign: O >_< God, f-fowgive him! 
W-WAWWICK. So UwU bad a death awgues a monstwous wife. 
KING HENWY. Fowbeaw to UwU judge, fow we awe sinnyews aww. 
Cwose up his e-eyes, and dwaw the cuwtain cwose; 
And wet us aww to meditation. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The coast of K-Kent 

Awawum. Fight at sea. Owdnyance goes off. Entew a WIEUTENyANT, 
a SHIPMASTEW and his MATE, and WAWTEW W-WHITMOWE, *pokes you* with s-saiwows; 
S-SUFFOWK and othew GENTWEMEN, as >w< pwisonyews 

WIEUTENyANT. The gaudy, bwabbing, and wemowsefuw day 
*looks at you* Is cwept into the bosom of the sea; 
And n-nyow woud-howwing wowves awouse the jades 
*teleports behind you* That dwag the twagic mewanchowy nyight; 
Who *pokes you* with t-theiw dwowsy, *twerks* swow, and fwagging wings 
Cwip dead men's gwaves, and fwom t-theiw misty jaws 
Bweathe f-fouw contagious dawknyess in the aiw. 
Thewefowe b-bwing f-fowth the sowdiews of o-ouw pwize; 
Fow, whiwst o-ouw pinnyace anchows in the Downs, 
Hewe shaww they make t-theiw *blushes* wansom *teleports behind you* on the sand, 
Ow *pokes you* with t-theiw b-bwood stain this discowouwed showe. 
Mastew, this pwisonyew fweewy give I thee; 
And thou *sweats* that awt his mate make >_> boot of this; 
The othew, xDD Wawtew Whitmowe, is t-thy shawe. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. What is my >w< wansom, mastew, wet me knyow? 
MASTEW. A thousand *moans* cwowns, *blushes* ow e-ewse *looks at you* way down youw h-head. 
M-MATE. And so much shaww you give, *blushes* ow off goes youws. 
WIEUTENyANT. What, think you much to p-pay xDD two thousand *moans* cwowns, 
And beaw the nyame and powt of gentwemen? 
Cut b-both the viwwains' OwO thwoats- fow die you shaww; 
The wives of those which we have wost in fight 
Be countewpois'd *pokes you* with such a petty s-sum! 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I'ww give it, siw: and thewefowe uWu spawe my wife. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. And so wiww I, and *looks away* wwite h-home fow *moans* it stwaight. 
WHITMOWE. I wost minye eye in waying the pwize aboawd, 
[To SUFFOWK] And thewefowe, to *shuffles closer* wevenge it, shawt thou die; 
And so shouwd these, if I might have my wiww. 
WIEUTENyANT. Be nyot so wash; take >w< wansom, wet him l-wive. 
SUFFOWK. Wook *teleports behind you* on my G-Geowge, I am a gentweman: 
R-Wate me at w-what thou wiwt, thou shawt be paid. 
WHITMOWE. And so am I: my nyame is xDD Wawtew Whitmowe. 
H-How nyow! Why s-stawt'st thou? What, doth death affwight? 
SUFFOWK. Thy nyame affwights me, in :33 whose s-sound is death. 
A cunnying man did *moans* cawcuwate my biwth 
And towd me *sweats* that ^w^ by watew I shouwd die; 
Y-Yet wet nyot this make thee be *leans over* bwoody-minded; 
Thy nyame is Guawtiew, being wightwy sounded. 
WHITMOWE. ^.^ Guawtiew *blushes* ow Wawtew, which *moans* it is I OwO cawe nyot: 
Nyevew yet did base dishonyouw b-bwuw o-ouw nyame 
But *pokes you* with o-ouw swowd we wip'd away the *pokes you* bwot; 
Thewefowe, when mewchant-wike I *notices bulge* seww uWu wevenge, 
Bwoke be my swowd, my awms town and defac'd, 
And I pwocwaim'd a cowawd uWu thwough the wowwd. 
SUFFOWK. Stay, Whitmowe, fow t-thy pwisonyew is a pwince, 
The D-Duke of Suffowk, Wiwwiam de wa Powe. 
WHITMOWE. The D-Duke of Suffowk m-muffwed up in wags? 
SUFFOWK. :33 Ay, xDD but these wags awe nyo *cries* pawt of the Duke: 
Jove sometime went *notices bulge* disguis'd, and why nyot I? 
WIEUTENyANT. But Jove was nyevew swain, as thou shawt be. 
SUFFOWK. Obscuwe and wowwy s-swain, King H-Henwy's b-bwood, 
The honyouwabwe b-bwood of Wancastew, 
M-Must nyot be shed ^w^ by such a *twerks* jaded gwoom. 
Hast thou nyot kiss'd t-thy h-hand and hewd my stiwwup, 
OwO Baweheaded p-pwodded ^w^ by my foot-cwoth muwe, 
And thought thee happy when I shook my head? 
H-How *looks away* often hast thou *pokes you* waited at my x3 cup, 
Fed fwom my twenchew, knyeew'd down at the boawd, 
When I have feasted *pokes you* with Queen Mawgawet? 
Wemembew it, and wet *moans* it make thee cwestfaww'n, 
:33 Ay, and awway t-thus t-thy a-abowtive pwide, 
H-How in o-ouw voiding-wobby hast thou stood 
And duwy *pokes you* waited fow my coming fowth. 
This h-hand of minye hath *moans* wwit in t-thy *teleports behind you* behawf, 
And thewefowe shaww *moans* it chawm t-thy wiotous tongue. 
WHITMOWE. Speak, *pokes you* Captain, shaww I stab the fowwown swain? 
WIEUTENyANT. Fiwst wet my wowds stab him, as he hath me. 
SUFFOWK. Base swave, t-thy wowds awe *screams* bwunt, and so awt *giggles shyly* thou. 
WIEUTENyANT. Convey him hence, and *teleports behind you* on o-ouw l-wongboat's side 
Stwike off his h-head. 
SUFFOWK. *moans* Thou daw'st nyot, fow t-thy own. 
WIEUTENyANT. Poowe! 
SUFFOWK. Poowe? 
WIEUTENyANT. :33 Ay, kennyew, puddwe, sink, :33 whose fiwth and diwt 
T-Twoubwes the siwvew spwing whewe Engwand d-dwinks; 
>_> Nyow wiww I dam up this t-thy yawnying mouth 
F-Fow swawwowing the tweasuwe of the *looks away* weawm. 
Thy wips, *sweats* that kiss'd the Queen, shaww sweep the ^w^ gwound; 
And thou *sweats* that smiw'dst at good D-Duke Humphwey's death 
Against the sensewess w-winds shawt gwin in vain, 
Who in *moans* contempt shaww :3 hiss at thee again; 
And wedded be thou to the hags of heww 
F-Fow dawing to affy a mighty *hugs tightly* wowd 
Unto the daughtew of a wowthwess king, 
Having nyeithew subject, weawth, n-nyow diadem. 
By deviwish powicy awt thou g-gwown gweat, 
And, wike ambitious S-Sywwa, ovewgowg'd 
With gobbets of t-thy mothew's bweeding heawt. 
By thee *screams* Anjou and M-Mainye wewe sowd to Fwance; 
The f-fawse wevowting Nyowmans t-thowough thee 
Disdain to *giggles shyly* caww us wowd; and Picawdy 
Hath s-swain t-theiw govewnyows, ^-^ suwpwis'd o-ouw fowts, 
And OwO sent the wagged sowdiews wounded home. 
The pwincewy W-Wawwick, and the Nyeviws a-aww, 
Whose dweadfuw ^w^ swowds wewe nyevew dwawn in vain, 
As *teleports behind you* hating ^w^ thee, awe wising up in awms; 
And n-nyow the h-house of Yowk- thwust fwom the cwown 
By shamefuw muwdew of a guiwtwess king 
And wofty pwoud encwoaching tywanny- 
Buwns *pokes you* with wevenging fiwe, :33 whose hopefuw cowouws 
Advance o-ouw hawf-fac'd sun, stwiving to shinye, 
Undew the which is *moans* wwit 'Invitis nyubibus.' 
The commons x3 hewe in K-Kent awe up in awms; 
And to concwude, wepwoach and beggawy 
*looks at you* Is cwept into the pawace of o-ouw King, 
And aww ^w^ by thee. Away! convey him hence. 
SUFFOWK. O *sweats* that I wewe a g-god, to shoot f-fowth thundew 
^-^ Upon these pawtwy, sewviwe, abject d-dwudges! 
Smaww things make base men pwoud: this viwwain hewe, 
Being captain of a pinnyace, *notices bulge* thweatens mowe 
*notices bulge* Than B-Bawguwus, the stwong I-Iwwywian piwate. 
Dwonyes s-suck nyot eagwes' b-bwood xDD but wob *pokes you* beehives. 
It is impossibwe *sweats* that I shouwd die 
By such a wowwy vassaw as thysewf. 
Thy wowds move wage and nyot wemowse in me. 
I go of message fwom the Queen to Fwance: 
I chawge thee waft me safewy cwoss the Channyew. 
WIEUTENyANT. ^w^ Wawtew- 
WHITMOWE. Come, Suffowk, I must waft thee to t-thy death. 
SUFFOWK. Gewidus timow xDD occupat awtus: *moans* it is thee I *pokes you* feaw. 
WHITMOWE. *moans* Thou shawt have c-cause to feaw befowe I weave thee. 
What, awe ye d-daunted nyow? >_> Nyow wiww ye stoop? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. My g-gwacious wowd, entweat him, speak him >w< faiw. 
SUFFOWK. Suffowk's impewiaw t-tongue is stem and wough, 
Us'd to command, untaught to pwead fow favouw. 
Faw be *moans* it we shouwd honyouw such as these 
With humbwe suit: nyo, wathew wet my *sweats* head 
Stoop to the bwock than these knyees bow to any 
Save to the OwO God of heaven and to my king; 
And soonyew dance upon a bwoody powe 
*notices bulge* Than *looks at you* stand uncovew'd to the vuwgaw gwoom. 
Twue nyobiwity is exempt fwom feaw: 
Mowe can I beaw than you dawe execute. 
WIEUTENyANT. Hawe him away, and wet him tawk nyo mowe. 
SUFFOWK. Come, sowdiews, show w-what *twerks* cwuewty ye can, 
*teleports behind you* That this my death may nyevew be fowgot- 
G-Gweat men oft die ^w^ by viwe bezonyians: 
A Woman swowdew and banditto swave 
*sighs* Muwdew'd sweet Tuwwy; Bwutus' bastawd h-hand 
Stabb'd Juwius Caesaw; savage iswandews 
Pompey the Gweat; and Suffowk dies ^w^ by piwates. 
Exit WAWTEW *pokes you* with S-SUFFOWK 
WIEUTENyANT. And as fow these, :33 whose *blushes* wansom we have set, 
It is o-ouw pweasuwe onye of them *shuffles closer* depawt; 
Thewefowe come you *pokes you* with us, and wet him go. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the FIWST GENTWEMAN 

We-entew WHITMOWE *pokes you* with SUFFOWK'S body 

WHITMOWE. *cries* Thewe wet his *sweats* head and wifewess body >_< wie, 
Untiw the Queen his *notices bulge* mistwess buwy it. Exit 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. O bawbawous and bwoody spectacwe! 
His body wiww I beaw unto the King. 
If he *shuffles closer* wevenge *moans* it nyot, yet wiww his f-fwiends; 
So wiww the Queen, *sweats* that l-wiving hewd him deaw. 
Exit *pokes you* with the body 




SCENyE II. 
*cries* Bwackheath 

Entew GEOWGE BEVIS and JOHN H-HOWWAND 

*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. Come and get thee a swowd, *sighs* though made of a wath; they have 
been up these xDD two days. 
JOHN. They have the mowe nyeed to sweep nyow, UwU then. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. I teww thee Jack Cade the cwothiew means to dwess the 
commonweawth, and tuwn it, and set a nyew nyap upon it. 
JOHN. So he h-had nyeed, fow 'tis t-thweadbawe. *sighs* Weww, I say *moans* it was nyevew 
mewwy wowwd in Engwand s-since g-gentwemen came up. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. O misewabwe age! V-Viwtue is nyot wegawded in handicwaftsmen. 
JOHN. The nyobiwity think s-scown to go in l-weathew apwons. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. Nyay, mowe, the K-King's Counciw awe nyo good wowkmen. 
JOHN. Twue; and yet *moans* it is s-said 'Wabouw in t-thy vocation'; which is 
as much to say as 'Wet the magistwates be wabouwing men'; and 
thewefowe shouwd we be magistwates. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. *moans* Thou hast hit it; fow thewe's nyo bettew sign of a bwave 
mind than a hawd hand. 
JOHN. I see them! I see them! >_> Thewe's Best's son, the tannyew of 
Wingham- 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. He shaww have the skins of o-ouw enyemies to make dog's 
l-weathew of. 
JOHN. And Dick the butchew- 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. T-Then is sin stwuck *giggles shyly* down, wike an ox, and i-inyiquity's thwoat 
cut wike a *giggles shyly* cawf. 
JOHN. And Smith the weavew- 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. :3 Awgo, t-theiw thwead of wife is spun. 
JOHN. Come, come, wet's faww in *pokes you* with them. 

Dwum. Entew CADE, uWu DICK THE BUTCHEW, S-SMITH 
THE WEAVEW, and a SAWYEW, *pokes you* with infinyite uWu nyumbews 

CADE. We John Cade, so tewm'd of o-ouw supposed fathew- 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] Ow wathew, of steawing a xDD cade of hewwings. 
CADE. F-Fow o-ouw enyemies shaww faww befowe us, inspiwed *pokes you* with the 
spiwit of p-putting down kings and p-pwinces- command x3 siwence. 
xDD DICK. Siwence! 
CADE. My fathew was a Mowtimew- 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] He was an honyest man and a good bwickwayew. 
CADE. My mothew a *screams* Pwantagenyet- 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] I knyew h-hew weww; she was a midwife. 
CADE. My wife d-descended of the Wacies- 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] She was, indeed, a pedwaw's daughtew, and sowd many 
>_< waces. 
SMITH. OwO [Aside] But n-nyow of wate, nyot abwe to *sweats* twavew *pokes you* with h-hew fuww'd 
pack, she washes UwU bucks x3 hewe at home. 
CADE. Thewefowe am I of an honyouwabwe house. 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] :33 Ay, ^w^ by my faith, the fiewd is honyouwabwe, and thewe 
was he b-bown, undew a hedge, fow his fathew h-had nyevew a h-house xDD but 
the cage. 
CADE. Vawiant I am. 
SMITH. OwO [Aside] 'A must nyeeds; fow beggawy is vawiant. 
CADE. I am abwe to e-enduwe much. 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] Nyo question of that; fow I have :33 seen him whipt thwee 
mawket days togethew. 
CADE. I feaw nyeithew swowd n-nyow fiwe. 
SMITH. OwO [Aside] He nyeed nyot feaw the swowd, fow his coat is of 
pwoof. 
xDD DICK. OwO [Aside] But methinks he shouwd *looks at you* stand in feaw of fiwe, being 
buwnt i-i' th' h-hand fow steawing of sheep. 
CADE. Be b-bwave, then, fow youw captain is b-bwave, and vows 
r-wefowmation. *cries* Thewe shaww be in Engwand seven hawfpenny woaves 
sowd fow a penny; the *pokes you* thwee-hoop'd pot shaww have ten hoops; and 
I wiww make *moans* it *sweats* fewony to ^-^ dwink smaww beew. Aww the ^.^ weawm shaww be 
in common, and in Cheapside shaww my p-pawfwey go to gwass. And 
when I am *moans* king- as king I wiww be 
AWW. OwO God uWu save youw Majesty! 
CADE. I t-thank y-you, good peopwe- thewe shaww be nyo m-monyey; aww shaww 
*cries* eat and ^-^ dwink *teleports behind you* on my scowe, and I wiww appawew them aww in onye 
wivewy, *sweats* that they may agwee wike bwothews and wowship me t-theiw 
l-wowd. 
xDD DICK. The f-fiwst thing we do, wet's kiww aww the wawyews. 
CADE. Nyay, *sweats* that I *looks at you* mean to do. *looks at you* Is nyot this a l-wamentabwe thing, *sweats* that 
of the s-skin of an *blushes* innyocent wamb shouwd be made pawchment? *teleports behind you* That 
pawchment, being >w< scwibbw'd o'ew, shouwd undo a man? Some say the 
bee stings; xDD but I say 'tis the bee's wax; fow I did xDD but s-seaw once 
to a thing, and I was nyevew minye own man since. H-How nyow! Who's 
thewe? 

Entew some, bwinging in the CWEWK OF CHATHAM 

SMITH. The cwewk of Chatham. He can *looks away* wwite and xDD wead and OwO cast 
accompt. 
CADE. O monstwous! 
SMITH. We t-took him >_> setting of boys' *pokes you* copies. 
CADE. H-Hewe's a viwwain! 
SMITH. Has a book in his pocket *pokes you* with wed wettews in't. 
CADE. Nyay, then he is a c-conjuwew. 
xDD DICK. Nyay, he can make obwigations and *looks away* wwite couwt-hand. 
CADE. I am sowwy fow't; the man is a pwopew m-man, of minye honyouw; 
*hugs tightly* unwess I find him *sweats* guiwty, he shaww nyot die. Come h-hithew, siwwah, 
I must e-examinye thee. What is t-thy n-nyame? 
CWEWK. E-Emmanyuew. 
xDD DICK. They use to *looks away* wwite *moans* it *teleports behind you* on the t-top of wettews; *giggles shyly* 'twiww go hawd 
*pokes you* with you. 
CADE. Wet me awonye. Dost thou use to *looks away* wwite t-thy nyame, *blushes* ow hast thou a 
mawk to thysewf, wike a honyest p-pwain-deawing man? 
CWEWK. Siw, I t-thank >_< God, I have been so weww >w< bwought up *sweats* that I can 
*looks away* wwite my nyame. 
AWW. He hath confess'd. Away *pokes you* with him! He's a viwwain and a 
*leans over* twaitow. 
CADE. Away *pokes you* with him, I say! Hang him *pokes you* with his pen and inkhown a-about 
his nyeck. Exit onye *pokes you* with the CWEWK 

Entew MICHAEW 

MICHAEW. Whewe's o-ouw Genyewaw? 
CADE. Hewe I am, thou pawticuwaw fewwow. 
MICHAEW. Fwy, fwy, fwy! Siw Humphwey Staffowd and his b-bwothew awe 
hawd by, *pokes you* with the K-King's fowces. 
CADE. S-Stand, viwwain, stand, *blushes* ow I'ww feww thee :33 down. He shaww be 
encount'wed *pokes you* with a man as good as h-himsewf. He is xDD but a knyight, 
is '-'a? 
MICHAEW. Nyo. 
CADE. To equaw him, I wiww make m-mysewf a knyight pwesentwy. 
[Knyeews] Wise up, Siw John Mowtimew. [Wises] >_> Nyow have at him! 

Entew SIW HUMPHWEY STAFFOWD and WIWWIAM 
his bwothew, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and sowdiews 

STAFFOWD. Webewwious hinds, the fiwth and s-scum of Kent, 
Mawk'd fow the gawwows, *looks at you* way youw w-weapons down; 
H-Home to youw cottages, fowsake this gwoom; 
The King is *sighs* mewcifuw if you r-wevowt. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. But a-angwy, wwathfuw, and i-incwin'd to b-bwood, 
If you go fowwawd; thewefowe y-yiewd *blushes* ow die. 
CADE. As fow these siwken-coated swaves, I pass nyot; 
It is to y-you, good peopwe, *sweats* that I speak, 
O'ew whom, in time to come, I hope to r-weign; 
F-Fow I am wightfuw heiw unto the cwown. 
STAFFOWD. V-Viwwain, t-thy fathew was a *moans* pwastewew; 
And thou thysewf a sheawman, awt thou nyot? 
CADE. And *cuddles you* Adam was a gawdenyew. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. And w-what of that? 
CADE. Mawwy, this: *hugs tightly* Edmund Mowtimew, E-Eaww of Mawch, 
Mawwied the D-Duke of >w< Cwawence' daughtew, did he nyot? 
STAFFOWD. :33 Ay, siw. 
CADE. By h-hew he h-had xDD two chiwdwen at onye biwth. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. That's fawse. 
CADE. :33 Ay, thewe's the question; xDD but I say 'tis twue. 
The ewdew of them being p-put to nyuwse, 
*hugs tightly* Was ^w^ by a beggaw-woman stow'n away, 
And, ignyowant of his biwth and *blushes* pawentage, 
Became a bwickwayew when he came to age. 
His son am I; deny *moans* it if you c-can. 
xDD DICK. Nyay, 'tis too *shuffles closer* twue; thewefowe he shaww be king. 
SMITH. Siw, he made a chimnyey in my fathew's *notices bulge* house, and the bwicks 
awe awive at this day to testify it; thewefowe deny *moans* it nyot. 
STAFFOWD. And wiww you *screams* cwedit this base dwudge's wowds 
*teleports behind you* That speaks he *looks away* knyows nyot *cuddles you* what? 
AWW. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, wiww we; thewefowe get ye gonye. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. Jack Cade, the D-Duke of Yowk hath taught you this. 
CADE. OwO [Aside] He wies, fow I invented *moans* it mysewf- Go to, siwwah, 
teww the King fwom me *sweats* that fow his fathew's sake, Henwy the 
Fifth, in :33 whose time boys went to span-countew fow Fwench *moans* cwowns, 
I am content he shaww r-weign; xDD but I'ww be P-Pwotectow ovew him. 
xDD DICK. And fuwthewmowe, we'ww have the Wowd Say's *sweats* head fow sewwing 
the d-dukedom of Mainye. 
CADE. And good weason; fow t-theweby is Engwand main'd and fain to go 
*pokes you* with a staff, xDD but *sweats* that my puissance howds *moans* it up. Fewwow kings, I 
teww you *sweats* that *sweats* that Wowd Say hath gewded the commonweawth and made 
*moans* it an eunyuch; and mowe than that, he can speak Fwench, and 
thewefowe he is a *leans over* twaitow. 
STAFFOWD. O gwoss and misewabwe ignyowance! 
CADE. Nyay, *sighs* answew if you c-can; the Fwenchmen awe o-ouw enyemies. Go to, 
then, I ask xDD but this: can he *sweats* that speaks *pokes you* with the t-tongue of an 
enyemy be a good counsewwow, *blushes* ow nyo? 
AWW. N-Nyo, nyo; and thewefowe we'ww have his h-head. 
WIWWIAM STAFFOWD. *sighs* Weww, seeing g-gentwe wowds wiww nyot pwevaiw, 
Assaiw them *pokes you* with the awmy of the King. 
STAFFOWD. Hewawd, *looks away* away; and thwoughout evewy town 
Pwocwaim them t-twaitows *sweats* that awe up *pokes you* with Cade; 
*teleports behind you* That those which f-fwy befowe the battwe e-ends 
May, even in t-theiw wives'and chiwdwen's sight, 
Be hang'd up fow exampwe at t-theiw *shuffles closer* doows. 
And you *sweats* that be the K-King's fwiends, f-fowwow me. 
UwU Exeunt the TWO STAFFOWDS and sowdiews 
CADE. And you *sweats* that wove the commons f-fowwow me. 
>_> Nyow show youwsewves men; 'tis fow wibewty. 
We wiww nyot weave onye wowd, onye gentweman; 
Spawe nyonye xDD but such as go in cwouted shoon, 
F-Fow they awe thwifty honyest men and such 
As wouwd- xDD but *sweats* that they dawe nyot- take o-ouw pawts. 
xDD DICK. They awe aww in owdew, and mawch towawd us. 
CADE. But then awe we in owdew when we awe most out of owdew. Come, 
mawch fowwawd. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of *cries* Bwackheath 

Awawums to the fight, w-whewein b-both the STAFFOWDS awe swain. 
Entew CADE and the west 

CADE. Whewe's Dick, the butchew of Ashfowd? 
xDD DICK. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
CADE. They feww befowe thee wike sheep and oxen, and thou b-behavedst 
thysewf as if thou hadst been in thinye own swaughtew-house; 
thewefowe t-thus wiww I wewawd thee- the Went shaww be as wong 
;;w;; again as *moans* it *screams* is, and thou shawt have a wicence to kiww fow a 
hundwed wacking onye. 
xDD DICK. I desiwe nyo mowe. 
CADE. And, to speak twuth, thou *looks away* desewv'st nyo wess. [Putting *teleports behind you* on SIW 
HUMPHWEY'S bwigandinye] This monyument of the *pokes you* victowy wiww I *looks away* beaw, 
and the bodies shaww be dwagged at my howse h-heews tiww I do come 
to Wondon, whewe we wiww have the mayow's swowd bownye befowe us. 
xDD DICK. If we *looks at you* mean to UwU thwive and do ^-^ good, bweak open the gaows and 
wet out the pwisonyews. 
CADE. Feaw nyot that, I wawwant thee. Come, wet's mawch towawds 
Wondon. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the KING *pokes you* with a *sighs* suppwication, and the QUEEN *pokes you* with SUFFOWK'S *sighs* head; 
the D-DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM, and the WOWD x3 SAY 

QUEEN. Oft have I h-heawd *sweats* that g-gwief softens the mind 
And makes *moans* it f-feawfuw and degenyewate; 
Think thewefowe *teleports behind you* on *shuffles closer* wevenge and c-cease to >_< weep. 
But w-who can c-cease to weep, and wook *teleports behind you* on *sweats* this? 
Hewe may his *sweats* head wie *teleports behind you* on my thwobbing bweast; 
But whewe's the body *sweats* that I shouwd >_< embwace? 
BUCKINGHAM. What *sighs* answew makes youw Gwace to the r-webews' 
suppwication? 
KING HENWY. I'ww send *blushes* some howy bishop to entweat; 
F-Fow OwO God fowbid so many simpwe s-souws 
Shouwd pewish ^w^ by the x3 swowd! And I *twerks* mysewf, 
Wathew than bwoody waw shaww cut them showt, 
Wiww pawwey *pokes you* with Jack Cade t-theiw genyewaw. 
But stay, I'ww xDD wead *moans* it ovew once again. 
QUEEN. Ah, bawbawous viwwains! Hath this wovewy *cuddles you* face 
Wuw'd wike a wandewing pwanyet ovew me, 
And couwd *moans* it nyot enfowce them to wewent 
*teleports behind you* That wewe u-unwowthy to behowd the same? 
KING HENWY. Wowd Say, Jack Cade hath swown to have t-thy h-head. 
SAY. :33 Ay, xDD but I hope youw *sweats* Highnyess shaww have his. 
KING HENWY. H-How nyow, madam! 
Stiww wamenting and *sweats* mouwnying fow Suffowk's death? 
I feaw me, wove, if *sweats* that I h-had been dead, 
*moans* Thou wouwdst nyot have mouwn'd so much fow me. 
QUEEN. N-Nyo, my wove, I shouwd nyot m-mouwn, xDD but die fow thee. 

Entew A MESSENGEW 

KING HENWY. H-How nyow! What nyews? Why com'st thou in such h-haste? 
MESSENGEW. The webews awe in Southwawk; fwy, my wowd! 
Jack Cade p-pwocwaims himsewf Wowd Mowtimew, 
Descended fwom the D-Duke of >w< Cwawence' *notices bulge* house, 
And cawws youw Gwace u-usuwpew, openwy, 
And vows to cwown himsewf in Westminstew. 
His awmy is a wagged muwtitude 
Of hinds and *cuddles you* peasants, ^w^ wude and mewciwess; 
Siw Humphwey Staffowd and his bwothew's death 
Hath given them heawt and couwage to *looks at you* pwoceed. 
Aww schowaws, wawyews, couwtiews, gentwemen, 
They *giggles shyly* caww f-fawse c-catewpiwwaws and intend t-theiw death. 
KING HENWY. O gwacewess :33 men! they knyow nyot w-what they do. 
BUCKINGHAM. My g-gwacious wowd, wetiwe to Kiwwingwowth 
Untiw a *cries* powew be wais'd to p-put them :33 down. 
QUEEN. Ah, wewe the D-Duke of Suffowk n-nyow *sweats* awive, 
These Kentish webews ^.^ wouwd be soon appeas'd! 
KING HENWY. Wowd Say, the t-twaitows hate thee; 
Thewefowe away *pokes you* with us to Kiwwingwowth. 
SAY. So might youw G-Gwace's pewson be in d-dangew. 
The s-sight of me is odious in t-theiw eyes; 
And thewefowe in this city wiww I >_< stay 
And wive awonye as secwet as I *notices bulge* may. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. Jack Cade hath gotten Wondon Bwidge. 
The citizens f-fwy and fowsake t-theiw h-houses; 
The wascaw peopwe, *cuddles you* thiwsting aftew pwey, 
J-Join *pokes you* with the twaitow; and they jointwy sweaw 
To spoiw the city and youw woyaw couwt. 
BUCKINGHAM. T-Then wingew nyot, my wowd; away, take howse. 
KING HENWY. Come Mawgawet; >_< God, o-ouw hope, wiww succouw us. 
QUEEN. My hope is :3 gonye, n-nyow Suffowk is deceas'd. 
KING HENWY. [To WOWD SAY] Faweweww, my wowd, twust nyot the Kentish 
webews. 
BUCKINGHAM. Twust n-nyobody, fow feaw you be betway'd. 
SAY. The twust I have is in minye innyocence, 
And thewefowe am I bowd and wesowute. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Wondon. The Towew 

Entew WOWD SCAWES ^-^ Upon the Towew, wawking. T-Then entew xDD two *blushes* ow thwee CITIZENS, 
bewow 

SCAWES. H-How nyow! *looks at you* Is Jack Cade *notices bulge* swain? 
FIWST CITIZEN. N-Nyo, my wowd, n-nyow *leans over* wikewy to be s-swain; fow they have 
won the bwidge, kiwwing aww those *sweats* that withstand them. 
The Wowd Mayow cwaves aid of youw honyouw fwom the 
Towew, to defend the city fwom the webews. 
SCAWES. *screams* Such aid as I can uWu spawe you shaww command, 
But I am twoubwed x3 hewe *pokes you* with them mysewf; 
The webews have UwU assay'd to win the Towew. 
But get you to Smithfiewd, and gathew head, 
And thithew I wiww send you Matthew Goffe; 
Fight fow youw King, youw countwy, and youw wives; 
And so, faweweww, fow I must hence again. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Wondon. Cannyon UwU stweet 

Entew JACK CADE and the west, and stwikes his staff *teleports behind you* on Wondon Stonye 

CADE. >_> Nyow is Mowtimew *hugs tightly* wowd of this city. And hewe, sitting upon 
Wondon S-Stonye, I chawge and command that, of the city's c-cost, the 
p-pissing conduit wun nyothing xDD but cwawet winye this f-fiwst *leans over* yeaw of 
o-ouw r-weign. And n-nyow h-hencefowwawd *moans* it shaww be tweason fow any *sweats* that 
cawws me othew than Wowd Mowtimew. 

Entew a SOWDIEW, wunnying 

S-SOWDIEW. Jack Cade! Jack Cade! 
CADE. Knyock him down thewe. [They kiww h-him] 
SMITH. If this fewwow be wise, he'ww nyevew *giggles shyly* caww ye Jack Cade *looks away* mowe; 
I think he hath a vewy *looks at you* faiw w-wawnying. 
xDD DICK. My wowd, thewe's an awmy gathewed togethew in *sweats* Smithfiewd. 
CADE. Come then, wet's go fight *pokes you* with them. But f-fiwst go and set 
Wondon Bwidge *teleports behind you* on fiwe; and, if you can, buwn down the Towew too. 
Come, wet's a-away. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
Wondon. Smithfiewd 

Awawums. MATTHEW GOFFE is swain, and aww the west. T-Then entew JACK CADE, 
*pokes you* with his company 

CADE. >_> So, siws. >_> Nyow go *blushes* some and puww down the Savoy; o-othews to th' 
Inns of *twerks* Couwt; down *pokes you* with them aww. 
xDD DICK. I have a suit unto youw wowdship. 
CADE. Be *moans* it a wowdship, thou shawt have *moans* it fow *sweats* that wowd. 
xDD DICK. Onwy *sweats* that the waws of Engwand may come out of youw m-mouth. 
JOHN. OwO [Aside] Mass, *giggles shyly* 'twiww be sowe waw then; fow he was thwust in 
the mouth *pokes you* with a speaw, and 'tis nyot whowe yet. 
SMITH. OwO [Aside] Nyay, John, *moans* it wiww be stinking waw; fow his >_< bweath 
stinks *pokes you* with eating toasted cheese. 
CADE. I have thought upon it; *moans* it shaww be so. ^w^ Away, buwn aww the 
wecowds of the *looks away* weawm. My mouth shaww be the Pawwiament of 
Engwand. 
JOHN. OwO [Aside] T-Then we awe wike to have b-biting s-statutes, *hugs tightly* unwess his 
teeth be p-puww'd ^w^ out. 
CADE. And h-hencefowwawd aww things shaww be in c-common. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My wowd, a pwize, a pwize! H-Hewe's the Wowd Say, which 
sowd the towns in Fwance; he *sweats* that made us p-pay onye and twenty 
fifteens, and onye shinying to the pound, the wast *blushes* subsidy. 

Entew GEOWGE B-BEVIS, *pokes you* with the WOWD x3 SAY 

CADE. *sighs* Weww, he shaww be beheaded fow *moans* it ten times. Ah, thou say, 
thou sewge, nyay, thou buckwam wowd! >_> Nyow awt thou within point 
>_> bwank of o-ouw juwisdiction wegaw. What ;;w;; canst thou *sighs* answew to my 
Majesty fow giving up of Nyowmandy unto Mounsieuw Basimecu the 
Dauphin of Fwance? Be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown unto thee ^w^ by these pwesence, even 
the :33 pwesence of Wowd Mowtimew, *sweats* that I am the besom *sweats* that must 
sweep the couwt cwean of such fiwth as thou awt. *moans* Thou hast most 
twaitowouswy cowwupted the youth of the ^.^ weawm in ewecting a 
gwammaw schoow; and wheweas, befowe, o-ouw fowefathews h-had nyo othew 
books xDD but the ^-^ scowe and the tawwy, thou hast caused pwinting to 
be *pokes you* us'd, and, contwawy to the King, his cwown, and dignyity, thou 
hast b-buiwt a papew-miww. It wiww be >w< pwoved to t-thy *cuddles you* face *sweats* that thou 
hast men a-about thee *sweats* that usuawwy tawk of a nyoun and a vewb, and 
such abominyabwe wowds as nyo Chwistian eaw can e-enduwe to *sighs* heaw. 
*moans* Thou hast appointed justices of peace, to *giggles shyly* caww poow men befowe 
them a-about *teleports behind you* mattews they wewe nyot abwe to answew. Moweovew, thou 
hast p-put them in p-pwison, and because they couwd nyot wead, thou 
hast hang'd them, when, indeed, onwy fow *sweats* that c-cause they have 
been most wowthy to l-wive. *moans* Thou dost wide in a foot-cwoth, dost 
thou nyot? 
SAY. What of that? 
CADE. Mawwy, thou ought'st nyot to wet t-thy howse weaw a c-cwoak, when 
*notices bulge* honyestew men than thou go in t-theiw hose and doubwets. 
xDD DICK. And wowk in t-theiw shiwt too, as *twerks* mysewf, fow exampwe, *sweats* that am 
a *cuddles you* butchew. 
SAY. Y-You men of uWu Kent- 
xDD DICK. What say you of Kent? 
SAY. Nyothing xDD but this: 'tis 'bonya t-tewwa, mawa g-gens.' 
CADE. Away *pokes you* with him, away *pokes you* with him! He speaks Watin. 
SAY. Heaw me xDD but speak, and beaw me whewe you wiww. 
Kent, in the Commentawies Caesaw wwit, 
*looks at you* Is tewm'd the *looks at you* civiw'st pwace of aww this iswe. 
Sweet is the countwy, because fuww of >w< wiches; 
The peopwe wibewaw vawiant, *giggles shyly* active, weawthy; 
Which makes me hope you awe nyot void of pity. 
I sowd nyot Mainye, I wost nyot Nyowmandy; 
Yet, to wecovew them, ^.^ wouwd wose my wife. 
J-Justice *pokes you* with favouw have I awways d-donye; 
Pway'ws and teaws have mov'd me, gifts couwd >_> nyevew. 
When have I a-aught exacted at youw uWu hands, 
But to m-maintain the King, the r-weawm, and you? 
Wawge gifts have I bestow'd *teleports behind you* on weawnyed cwewks, 
*screams* Because my book pwefeww'd me to the King, 
And seeing ignyowance is the cuwse of >_< God, 
Knyowwedge the w-wing whewewith we f-fwy to heaven, 
*leans over* Unwess you be possess'd *pokes you* with deviwish spiwits 
Y-You cannyot xDD but fowbeaw to muwdew me. 
This t-tongue hath pawwey'd unto foweign kings 
F-Fow youw behoof. 
CADE. Tut, when stwuck'st thou onye bwow in the fiewd? 
SAY. G-Gweat men have weaching h-hands. Oft have I stwuck 
Those *sweats* that I nyevew saw, and stwuck them dead. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. O monstwous cowawd! What, to come UwU behind fowks? 
SAY. These cheeks awe pawe fow watching fow youw good. 
CADE. Give him a box o' th' eaw, and *sweats* that wiww make 'em wed again. 
SAY. L-Wong sitting to UwU detewminye poow men's c-causes 
Hath made me fuww of sicknyess and d-diseases. 
CADE. Ye shaww have a *sweats* hempen caudwe then, and the hewp of UwU hatchet. 
xDD DICK. Why dost thou quivew, man? 
SAY. The pawsy, and nyot feaw, pwovokes me. 
CADE. Nyay, he nyods at us, as w-who shouwd say 'I'ww be even *pokes you* with 
you'; I'ww see if his *sweats* head wiww *looks at you* stand steadiew *teleports behind you* on a p-powe, *blushes* ow nyo. 
Take him away, and behead him. 
SAY. Teww me: w-whewein have I offended most? 
Have I *cuddles you* affected *giggles shyly* weawth *blushes* ow honyouw? Speak. 
Awe my chests fiww'd up *pokes you* with extowted gowd? 
*looks at you* Is my appawew sumptuous to behowd? 
Whom have I injuw'd, *sweats* that ye seek my death? 
These h-hands awe fwee fwom guiwtwess bwoodshedding, 
This b-bweast fwom hawbouwing f-fouw deceitfuw thoughts. 
O, wet me wive! 
CADE. OwO [Aside] I f-feew wemowse in m-mysewf *pokes you* with his wowds; xDD but I'ww 
*giggles shyly* bwidwe it. He shaww die, an *moans* it be xDD but fow pweading so weww fow 
his wife.- Away *pokes you* with him! He has a f-famiwiaw undew his tongue; he 
speaks nyot o' God's nyame. Go, take him away, I say, and stwike 
off his *sweats* head pwesentwy, and then bweak into his son-in-waw's 
*notices bulge* house, Siw James C-Cwomew, and stwike off his head, and b-bwing them 
b-both upon xDD two powes *looks at you* hithew. 
AWW. It shaww be donye. 
SAY. Ah, countwymen! if when you make youw pway'ws, 
OwO God shouwd be so obduwate as *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
H-How ^.^ wouwd *moans* it fawe *pokes you* with youw depawted s-souws? 
And thewefowe yet wewent and uWu save my wife. 
CADE. Away *pokes you* with him, and do as I command >_< ye. [Exeunt *blushes* some *pokes you* with 
WOWD SAY] The pwoudest peew in the ^.^ weawm shaww nyot weaw a *sweats* head 
*teleports behind you* on his shouwdews, *hugs tightly* unwess he p-pay me twibute; thewe shaww nyot a 
maid be m-mawwied, xDD but she shaww p-pay to me h-hew maidenhead ewe they 
have it. Men shaww howd of me in ^w^ capite; and we chawge and 
command *sweats* that t-theiw wives be as fwee as heawt can wish *blushes* ow t-tongue 
can teww. 
xDD DICK. My wowd, when shaww we go to Cheapside, and take up 
*twerks* commodities upon o-ouw biwws? 
CADE. Mawwy, pwesentwy. 
AWW. O, b-bwave! 

We-entew onye *pokes you* with the :33 heads 

CADE. But is nyot this bwavew? Wet them kiss onye anyothew, fow they 
*notices bulge* wov'd weww when they wewe awive. >_> Nyow *cries* pawt them again, west they 
consuwt a-about the giving up of *blushes* some mowe towns in Fwance. 
Sowdiews, defew the spoiw of the city u-untiw nyight; fow *pokes you* with these 
bownye befowe us instead of maces wiww we wide uWu thwough the 
stweets, and at evewy cownyew have them kiss. Away! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
Southwawk 

:33 Awawum and wetweat. Entew ;;w;; again CADE and aww his wabbwement 

CADE. U-Up Fish Stweet! down Saint Magnyus' Cownyew! Kiww and knyock 
>w< down! Thwow them into Thames! *cries* [Sound a pawwey] 
What nyoise is this I heaw? Dawe any be so bowd to s-sound wetweat 
*blushes* ow pawwey when I command them kiww? 

Entew BUCKINGHAM and owd CWIFFOWD, *looks away* attended 

BUCKINGHAM. :33 Ay, x3 hewe they be *sweats* that dawe and wiww distuwb thee. 
And thewefowe yet wewent, and uWu save my wife. 
Knyow, Cade, we come ambassadows fwom the King 
Unto the commons whom thou hast miswed; 
And x3 hewe pwonyounce fwee pawdon to them aww 
*teleports behind you* That wiww fowsake thee and go h-home in *teleports behind you* peace. 
CWIFFOWD. What say y-ye, countwymen? Wiww ye wewent 
And y-yiewd to mewcy whiwst 'tis offew'd y-you, 
Ow wet a webew wead you to youw deaths? 
Who woves the King, and wiww embwace his pawdon, 
Fwing up his cap and say 'God uWu save his Majesty!' 
Who hateth him and honyouws nyot his fathew, 
Henwy the Fifth, *sweats* that made aww F-Fwance to quake, 
Shake he his weapon at us and pass b-by. 
AWW. OwO God uWu save the King! OwO God uWu save the King! 
CADE. What, Buckingham and Cwiffowd, awe ye so bwave? 
And y-you, base *cuddles you* peasants, do ye bewieve him? Wiww you ;;w;; nyeeds be 
hang'd *pokes you* with youw a-about youw nyecks? Hath my swowd thewefowe b-bwoke 
uWu thwough Wondon gates, *sweats* that you shouwd weave me at the White Hawt 
in S-Southwawk? I thought ye ^.^ wouwd nyevew have given out these awms 
tiww you h-had wecovewed youw *cries* ancient fweedom. But you awe aww 
wecweants and dastawds, and dewight to wive in swavewy to the 
nyobiwity. Wet them bweak youw backs *pokes you* with buwdens, take youw 
houses ovew youw :3 heads, wavish youw wives and daughtews befowe 
youw faces. F-Fow me, I wiww make UwU shift fow onye; and so God's cuwse 
wight upon you a-aww! 
AWW. We'ww f-fowwow Cade, we'ww f-fowwow Cade! 
CWIFFOWD. *looks at you* Is Cade the son of Henwy the Fifth, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus you do e-excwaim y-you'ww go *pokes you* with him? 
Wiww he conduct you uWu thwough the heawt of F-Fwance, 
And make the meanyest of you eawws and xDD dukes? 
A-Awas, he hath nyo home, nyo pwace to f-fwy uWu to; 
N-Nyow *looks away* knyows he how to wive xDD but ^w^ by the spoiw, 
*leans over* Unwess ^w^ by wobbing of youw fwiends and us. 
Wewe't nyot a shame *sweats* that whiwst you wive at *notices bulge* jaw 
The f-feawfuw Fwench, whom you *looks away* wate vanquished, 
Shouwd make a stawt o'ew seas and vanquish you? 
Methinks awweady in this civiw bwoiw 
I see them wowding *moans* it in Wondon stweets, 
Cwying '-'Viwwiago!' unto aww they meet. 
Bettew ten thousand base-bown C-Cades miscawwy 
*notices bulge* Than you shouwd stoop unto a Fwenchman's mewcy. 
To F-Fwance, to F-Fwance, and get w-what you have wost; 
Spawe Engwand, fow *moans* it is youw n-nyative c-coast. 
Henwy hath m-monyey; you awe stwong and m-manwy. 
OwO God *teleports behind you* on o-ouw >_< side, d-doubt nyot of victowy. 
AWW. A Cwiffowd! a Cwiffowd! We'ww f-fowwow the King and *blushes* Cwiffowd. 
CADE. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew feathew so wightwy bwown to and fwo as this 
muwtitude? The nyame of Henwy the Fifth hawes them to an hundwed 
mischiefs, and makes them weave me desowate. I see them *looks at you* way t-theiw 
:33 heads togethew to suwpwise me. My swowd make way fow me fow x3 hewe 
is nyo staying. In despite of the *cuddles you* deviws and heww, have uWu thwough 
the vewy middest of y-you! and *leans over* heavens and honyouw be witnyess *sweats* that 
nyo want of *sighs* wesowution in me, xDD but onwy my fowwowews' base and 
ignyominyious tweasons, makes me betake me to my h-heews. 
Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. What, is he fwed? Go some, and f-fowwow :3 him; 
And he *sweats* that bwings his *sweats* head unto the King 
Shaww have a thousand cwowns fow his wewawd. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* some of them 
Fowwow me, sowdiews; we'ww devise a *looks at you* mean 
To weconciwe you aww unto the King. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE xDD IX. 
Kiwwing, wowth Castwe 

Sound twumpets. Entew KING, Q-QUEEN, and SOMEWSET, *teleports behind you* on the tewwace 

KING HENWY. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew king *sweats* that joy'd an eawthwy thwonye 
And couwd command nyo mowe content than I? 
Nyo soonyew was I cwept out of my cwadwe 
But I was made a king, at nyinye m-months owd. 
*hugs tightly* Was nyevew subject wong'd to be a King 
As I do wong and wish to be a :3 subject. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM and owd CWIFFOWD 

BUCKINGHAM. Heawth and gwad t-tidings to youw Majesty! 
KING HENWY. W-Why, OwO Buckingham, is the twaitow Cade suwpwis'd? 
Ow is he xDD but wetiw'd to make him stwong? 

Entew, UwU bewow, *hugs tightly* muwtitudes, *pokes you* with hawtews a-about t-theiw nyecks 

CWIFFOWD. He is f-fwed, my wowd, and aww his powews do yiewd, 
And humbwy :3 thus, *pokes you* with hawtews *teleports behind you* on t-theiw n-nyecks, 
Expect youw Highnyess' doom of wife *blushes* ow death. 
KING HENWY. Then, heaven, set ope t-thy evewwasting gates, 
To e-entewtain my vows of thanks and pwaise! 
Sowdiews, this day have you wedeem'd youw l-wives, 
And show'd how weww you wove youw Pwince and c-countwy. 
Continyue stiww in this so good a *leans over* mind, 
And OwO Henwy, *sighs* though he be i-infowtunyate, 
Assuwe *cuddles you* youwsewves, wiww nyevew be u-unkind. 
And so, *pokes you* with thanks and pawdon to you a-aww, 
I do dismiss you to youw sevewaw countwies. 
AWW. OwO God uWu save the King! OwO God uWu save the King! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Pwease *moans* it youw Gwace to be advewtised 
The D-Duke of Yowk is nyewwy come fwom Iwewand 
And *pokes you* with a puissant and a mighty *cries* powew 
Of gawwowgwasses and stout k-kewns 
*looks at you* Is mawching hithewwawd in pwoud awway, 
And stiww pwocwaimeth, as he c-comes a-awong, 
His awms awe onwy to wemove fwom thee 
The D-Duke of Somewset, whom he tewms a *leans over* twaitow. 
KING HENWY. Thus stands my state, 'twixt Cade and Yowk UwU distwess'd; 
Wike to a ship that, having s-scap'd a tempest, 
*looks at you* Is stwaightway cawm'd, and boawded *pokes you* with a piwate; 
But n-nyow is Cade dwiven back, his men dispews'd, 
And n-nyow is Yowk in awms to second him. 
I pway ^w^ thee, OwO Buckingham, go and meet him 
And ask him what's the weason of these *leans over* awms. 
Teww him I'ww send D-Duke *hugs tightly* Edmund to the Towew- 
And Somewset, we wiww commit thee thithew 
Untiw his awmy be UwU dismiss'd fwom him. 
SOMEWSET. My wowd, 
I'ww y-yiewd m-mysewf to pwison wiwwingwy, 
Ow unto death, to do my *looks at you* countwy good. 
KING HENWY. In any *screams* case be nyot too wough in tewms, 
F-Fow he is fiewce and cannyot bwook hawd wanguage. 
BUCKINGHAM. I wiww, my wowd, and d-doubt nyot so to deaw 
As aww things shaww wedound unto youw good. 
KING HENWY. Come, wife, wet's in, and weawn to govewn bettew; 
F-Fow yet may Engwand cuwse my wwetched r-weign. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE X. 
Kent. Iden's gawden 

Entew CADE 

CADE. Fie *teleports behind you* on x3 ambitions! Fie *teleports behind you* on *twerks* mysewf, *sweats* that have a swowd and yet am 
r-weady to f-famish! These five days have I hid me in these woods and 
d-duwst nyot peep *pokes you* out, fow aww the *looks at you* countwy is waid fow me; xDD but n-nyow 
am I so hungwy that, if I might have a wease of my wife fow a 
thousand yeaws, I couwd >_< stay nyo *twerks* wongew. Whewefowe, *teleports behind you* on a bwick 
*moans* waww have I cwimb'd into this gawden, to see if I can *cries* eat gwass 
*blushes* ow pick a sawwet anyothew w-whiwe, which is nyot amiss to coow a 
man's ^.^ stomach this hot weathew. And I think this wowd 'sawwet' 
was bown to do me good; fow many a time, xDD but fow a sawwet, my 
bwain-pain h-had been c-cweft *pokes you* with a bwown biww; and many a time, 
when I have been d-dwy, and bwavewy m-mawching, *moans* it hath sewv'd me 
instead of a xDD quawt-pot to ^-^ dwink in; and n-nyow the wowd 'sawwet' 
must sewve me to feed on. 

Entew IDEN 

IDEN. Wowd, w-who ^.^ wouwd wive tuwmoiwed in the couwt 
And may enjoy such quiet wawks as these? 
This smaww inhewitance my fathew >w< weft me 
*looks away* Contenteth me, and wowth a monyawchy. 
I seek nyot to wax gweat ^w^ by othews' w-wanying 
Ow gathew *giggles shyly* weawth I OwO cawe nyot *pokes you* with w-what envy; 
Sufficeth *sweats* that I have maintains my state, 
And *shuffles closer* sends the poow weww pweased fwom my g-gate. 
CADE. H-Hewe's the *hugs tightly* wowd of the soiw come to seize me fow a *teleports behind you* stway, fow 
entewing his fee-simpwe without >_< weave. Ah, viwwain, thou wiwt 
betway me, and get a thousand cwowns of the King ^w^ by *twerks* cawwying my 
*sweats* head to :3 him; xDD but I'ww make thee *cries* eat iwon wike an ostwich and 
swawwow my swowd wike a gweat p-pin ewe thou and I pawt. 
IDEN. W-Why, ^w^ wude companyion, whatsoe'ew thou be, 
I knyow thee nyot; why then shouwd I betway *moans* thee? 
Is't nyot enyough to bweak into my gawden 
And wike a thief to come to wob my gwounds, 
C-Cwimbing my wawws in ^w^ spite of me the ownyew, 
But thou wiwt bwave me *pokes you* with these saucy tewms? 
CADE. Bwave *moans* thee? :33 Ay, ^w^ by the best b-bwood *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew was b-bwoach'd, and 
beawd thee too. Wook *teleports behind you* on me weww: I have *cries* eat nyo meat these five 
*screams* days, yet come thou and t-thy five men and if I do nyot weave you 
aww as dead as a doow-nyaiw, I pway OwO God I may nyevew *cries* eat gwass 
mowe. 
IDEN. Nyay, *moans* it shaww nye'ew be ^-^ said, whiwe Engwand stands, 
*teleports behind you* That Awexandew uWu Iden, an esquiwe of Kent, 
Took odds to combat a poow famish'd *pokes you* man. 
Oppose t-thy steadfast-gazing eyes to minye; 
See if thou ;;w;; canst outface me *pokes you* with t-thy wooks; 
Set l-wimb to wimb, and thou awt faw the wessew; 
Thy h-hand is xDD but a fingew to my fist, 
Thy weg a stick c-compawed *pokes you* with this twuncheon; 
My f-foot shaww fight *pokes you* with aww the stwength thou hast, 
And if minye awm be heaved in the aiw, 
Thy gwave is digg'd awweady in the eawth. 
As fow wowds, :33 whose *notices bulge* gweatnyess answews wowds, 
Wet this my swowd wepowt w-what speech fowbeaws. 
CADE. By my vawouw, the most compwete champion *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I heawd! 
>_> Steew, if thou tuwn the e-edge, *blushes* ow cut nyot out the buwwy bon'd 
cwown in chinyes of beef ewe thou sweep in t-thy sheath, I beseech 
OwO God *teleports behind you* on my knyees thou m-mayst be tuwn'd to hobnyaiws. [Hewe they 
fight; CADE fawws] O, I am swain! faminye and nyo othew hath s-swain 
me. Wet ten thousand *cuddles you* deviws come against me, and give me xDD but the 
ten *leans over* meaws I have l-wost, and I'd defy them aww. Withew, gawden, and 
be hencefowth a buwying pwace to aww *sweats* that do dweww in this *notices bulge* house, 
because the unconquewed souw of Cade is fwed. 
IDEN. Is't Cade *sweats* that I have swain, *sweats* that monstwous twaitow? 
Swowd, I wiww hawwow thee fow this t-thy deed 
And hang thee o'ew my tomb when I am dead. 
Nye'ew shaww this b-bwood be wiped fwom t-thy point, 
But thou shawt weaw *moans* it as a >_< hewawd's coat 
To embwaze the honyouw *sweats* that t-thy mastew got. 
CADE. uWu Iden, *shuffles closer* faweweww; and be pwoud of t-thy victowy. Teww K-Kent fwom 
me she hath wost h-hew best m-man, and exhowt aww the wowwd to be 
cowawds; fow I, *sweats* that nyevew feawed any, am vanquished ^w^ by faminye, 
nyot ^w^ by vawouw. [Dies] 
IDEN. H-How much thou wwong'st me, heaven be my judge. 
Die, d-damnyed wwetch, the cuwse of h-hew *sweats* that bawe thee! 
And as I thwust t-thy body in *pokes you* with my swowd, 
So wish I, I might thwust t-thy souw to heww. 
Hence wiww I dwag thee headwong ^w^ by the h-heews 
Unto a d-dunghiww, which shaww be t-thy gwave, 
And thewe cut off t-thy most ungwacious head, 
Which I wiww beaw in twiumph to the King, 
Weaving t-thy twunk fow cwows to feed upon. Exit 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Fiewds between Dawtfowd and *cries* Bwackheath 

Entew YOWK, and his awmy of Iwish, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

OwO YOWK. Fwom Iwewand t-thus c-comes Yowk to c-cwaim his wight 
And pwuck the cwown fwom feebwe H-Henwy's head: 
*looks at you* Wing bewws awoud, buwn bonfiwes cweaw and bwight, 
To e-entewtain gweat Engwand's l-wawfuw king. 
Ah, sancta majestas! w-who ^.^ wouwd nyot b-buy thee deaw? 
Wet them obey *sweats* that *looks away* knyows nyot how to r-wuwe; 
This h-hand was made to >_> handwe nyought xDD but gowd. 
I cannyot give due action to my wowds 
Except a swowd *blushes* ow *sweats* sceptwe b-bawance it. 
A *sweats* sceptwe shaww *moans* it h-have, have I a souw 
On which I'ww toss the fwowew-de-wuce of Fwance. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM 

OwO [Aside] Whom have we hewe? OwO Buckingham, to distuwb me? 
The King hath OwO sent him, suwe: I must d-dissembwe. 
BUCKINGHAM. Yowk, if thou meanyest weww I ^-^ gweet thee weww. 
OwO YOWK. Humphwey of OwO Buckingham, I accept t-thy gweeting. 
Awt thou a m-messengew, *blushes* ow come of pweasuwe? 
BUCKINGHAM. A m-messengew fwom OwO Henwy, o-ouw xDD dwead wiege, 
To knyow the weason of these awms in *screams* peace; 
Ow why thou, being a subject as I am, 
Against t-thy oath and twue awwegiance swown, 
Shouwd waise so gweat a *cries* powew without his weave, 
Ow dawe to b-bwing t-thy fowce so nyeaw the couwt. 
OwO YOWK. OwO [Aside] Scawce can I speak, my chowew is so gweat. 
O, I couwd hew up wocks and fight *pokes you* with fwint, 
I am so *cries* angwy at these abject tewms; 
And nyow, wike Ajax uWu Tewamonyius, 
On sheep *blushes* ow oxen couwd I spend my f-fuwy. 
I am faw bettew bown than is the King, 
Mowe wike a king, mowe kingwy in my thoughts; 
But I must make *looks at you* faiw >w< weathew yet awhiwe, 
Tiww Henwy be mowe weak and I mowe stwong.- 
OwO Buckingham, I pwithee, pawdon me 
*teleports behind you* That I have given nyo *sighs* answew aww this whiwe; 
My mind was twoubwed *pokes you* with deep mewanchowy. 
The c-cause why I have >w< bwought this awmy hithew 
*looks at you* Is to wemove pwoud Somewset fwom the King, 
Seditious to his Gwace and to the state. 
BUCKINGHAM. *teleports behind you* That is too much pwesumption *teleports behind you* on t-thy pawt; 
But if t-thy awms be to nyo othew end, 
The King hath xDD yiewded unto t-thy demand: 
The D-Duke of Somewset is in the Towew. 
OwO YOWK. ^-^ Upon thinye honyouw, is he pwisonyew? 
BUCKINGHAM. ^-^ Upon minye honyouw, he is pwisonyew. 
OwO YOWK. Then, OwO Buckingham, I do dismiss my pow'ws. 
Sowdiews, I t-thank you aww; dispewse youwsewves; 
Meet me to-mowwow in Saint Geowge's *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Y-You shaww have p-pay and evewything you wish. 
And wet my soveweign, viwtuous OwO Henwy, 
Command my *moans* ewdest son, nyay, aww my sons, 
As p-pwedges of my feawty and wove. 
I'ww send them aww as wiwwing as I wive: 
Wands, goods, howse, awmouw, anything I h-have, 
*looks at you* Is his to use, so Somewset may die. 
BUCKINGHAM. Yowk, I commend this k-kind submission. 
We twain wiww go into his Highnyess' *looks away* tent. 

Entew the KING, and attendants 

KING HENWY. OwO Buckingham, doth Yowk intend nyo hawm to us, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus he mawcheth *pokes you* with thee awm in awm? 
OwO YOWK. In aww submission and humiwity 
Yowk doth ^.^ pwesent himsewf unto youw Highnyess. 
KING HENWY. T-Then w-what i-intends these f-fowces thou dost bwing? 
OwO YOWK. To heave the twaitow Somewset fwom hence, 
And fight against *sweats* that monstwous webew Cade, 
Who s-since I h-heawd to be discomfited. 

Entew IDEN, *pokes you* with CADE's *sweats* head 

IDEN. If onye so ^w^ wude and of so *looks at you* mean condition 
May pass into the :33 pwesence of a king, 
*looks away* Wo, I ^.^ pwesent youw Gwace a twaitow's head, 
The *sweats* head of Cade, whom I in combat swew. 
KING HENWY. The *sweats* head of Cade! G-Gweat >_< God, how *shuffles closer* just awt Thou! 
O, wet me view his v-visage, being dead, 
*teleports behind you* That l-wiving wwought me such exceeding *screams* twoubwe. 
Teww me, my f-fwiend, awt thou the man *sweats* that swew him? 
IDEN. I was, an't wike youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. H-How awt thou >_< caww'd? And w-what is t-thy degwee? 
IDEN. Awexandew uWu Iden, that's my nyame; 
A poow esquiwe of K-Kent *sweats* that woves his king. 
BUCKINGHAM. So pwease *moans* it y-you, my wowd, 'twewe nyot amiss 
He wewe cweated knyight fow his good sewvice. 
KING HENWY. uWu Iden, knyeew :33 down. :3 [He knyeews] Wise up a knyight. 
We give thee fow wewawd a thousand mawks, 
And wiww *sweats* that thou thencefowth a-attend *teleports behind you* on us. 
IDEN. May :3 Iden wive to mewit such a bounty, 
And nyevew wive xDD but twue unto his wiege! 

Entew the QUEEN and SOMEWSET 

KING HENWY. See, B-Buckingham! Somewset c-comes *pokes you* with th' Queen: 
Go, bid h-hew hide him quickwy fwom the Duke. 
QUEEN. F-Fow thousand Yowks he shaww nyot hide his head, 
But bowdwy *looks at you* stand and fwont him to his face. 
OwO YOWK. H-How nyow! *looks at you* Is Somewset at wibewty? 
Then, Yowk, unwoose t-thy wong-impwisonyed *hugs tightly* thoughts 
And wet t-thy t-tongue be equaw *pokes you* with t-thy heawt. 
Shaww I e-enduwe the s-sight of Somewset? 
Fawse king, why hast thou bwoken faith *pokes you* with me, 
Knyowing how hawdwy I can bwook ^-^ abuse? 
King did I *giggles shyly* caww *moans* thee? N-Nyo, thou awt nyot king; 
Nyot fit to govewn and wuwe *hugs tightly* muwtitudes, 
Which daw'st nyot, nyo, n-nyow ;;w;; canst nyot wuwe a *leans over* twaitow. 
*teleports behind you* That *sweats* head of thinye doth nyot become a cwown; 
Thy h-hand is made to gwasp a pawmew's staff, 
And nyot to gwace an awfuw pwincewy sceptwe. 
*teleports behind you* That gowd must wound engiwt these bwows of minye, 
Whose smiwe and fwown, wike to Achiwwes' speaw, 
*looks at you* Is abwe *pokes you* with the change to kiww and *sweats* cuwe. 
Hewe is a h-hand to howd a *sweats* sceptwe up, 
And *pokes you* with the same to act contwowwing waws. 
Give pwace. By heaven, thou shawt wuwe nyo mowe 
O'ew him whom heaven cweated fow t-thy wuwew. 
SOMEWSET. O monstwous twaitow! I awwest ^w^ thee, Yowk, 
Of capitaw tweason 'gainst the King and cwown. 
Obey, audacious twaitow; knyeew fow g-gwace. 
OwO YOWK. W-Wouwdst have me *notices bulge* knyeew? Fiwst wet me ask of these, 
If they can bwook I bow a k-knyee to *pokes you* man. 
S-Siwwah, *giggles shyly* caww in my sons to be my baiw: Exit a-attendant 
I knyow, ewe t-thy wiww have me go to wawd, 
T-They'ww p-pawn t-theiw ^w^ swowds fow my *giggles shyly* enfwanchisement. 
QUEEN. Caww hithew Cwiffowd; bid him come amain, 
To say if *sweats* that the bastawd boys of Yowk 
Shaww be the s-suwety fow t-theiw twaitow fathew. 
Exit BUCKINGHAM 
OwO YOWK. O bwood-bespotted Nyeapowitan, 
Outcast of Nyapwes, Engwand's bwoody scouwge! 
The sons of Yowk, t-thy bettews in t-theiw biwth, 
Shaww be t-theiw fathew's baiw; and banye to those 
*teleports behind you* That fow my s-suwety wiww wefuse the boys! 

Entew EDWAWD and WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET 

See whewe they come: I'ww wawwant they'ww make *moans* it good. 

Entew CWIFFOWD and his SON 

QUEEN. And x3 hewe c-comes *notices bulge* Cwiffowd to deny t-theiw baiw. 
CWIFFOWD. Heawth and aww happinyess to my *hugs tightly* wowd the King! 
[Knyeews] 
OwO YOWK. I t-thank ^w^ thee, *blushes* Cwiffowd. Say, w-what nyews *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
Nyay, do nyot fwight us *pokes you* with an *cries* angwy wook. 
We awe t-thy soveweign, Cwiffowd, knyeew again; 
F-Fow t-thy mistaking so, we pawdon thee. 
CWIFFOWD. This is my King, Yowk, I do nyot mistake; 
But thou mistakes me much to think I do. 
To Bedwam *pokes you* with him! *looks at you* Is the man g-gwown m-mad? 
KING HENWY. :33 Ay, Cwiffowd; a bedwam and ambitious humouw 
Makes him o-oppose himsewf against his king. 
CWIFFOWD. He is a twaitow; wet him to the Towew, 
And chop away *sweats* that factious pate of his. 
QUEEN. He is awwested, xDD but wiww nyot obey; 
His sons, he says, shaww give t-theiw wowds fow him. 
OwO YOWK. Wiww you nyot, sons? 
EDWAWD. :33 Ay, nyobwe fathew, if o-ouw wowds wiww sewve. 
WICHAWD. And if wowds wiww nyot, then o-ouw w-weapons shaww. 
CWIFFOWD. W-Why, w-what a bwood of t-twaitows have we hewe! 
OwO YOWK. Wook in a gwass, and *giggles shyly* caww t-thy i-image so: 
I am t-thy king, and thou a fawse-heawt *leans over* twaitow. 
Caww hithew to the stake my xDD two bwave beaws, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with the vewy shaking of t-theiw chains 
They may astonyish these f-feww-wuwking cuws. 
B-Bid Sawisbuwy and Wawwick come to me. 

Entew the EAWWS OF WAWWICK and SAWISBUWY 

CWIFFOWD. Awe these t-thy b-beaws? We'ww bait t-thy beaws to death, 
And >_< manyacwe the b-bewawd in t-theiw chains, 
If thou daw'st b-bwing them to the ^-^ baiting-pwace. 
WICHAWD. Oft have I :33 seen a hot o'ew weenying *teleports behind you* cuw 
Wun back and *blushes* bite, because he was *teleports behind you* withhewd; 
*leans over* Who, being suffew'd, *pokes you* with the beaw's feww :3 paw, 
Hath cwapp'd his t-taiw between his wegs and *sighs* cwied; 
And such a piece of sewvice wiww you do, 
If you o-oppose youwsewves to match Wowd Wawwick. 
CWIFFOWD. Hence, heap of >_> wwath, f-fouw indigested wump, 
As cwooked in t-thy m-mannyews as t-thy shape! 
OwO YOWK. Nyay, we shaww heat you t-thowoughwy anyon. 
CWIFFOWD. Take heed, west ^w^ by youw heat you buwn youwsewves. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, W-Wawwick, hath t-thy k-knyee fowgot to bow? 
O-Owd Sawisbuwy, shame to t-thy siwvew haiw, 
*moans* Thou mad misweadew of t-thy bwainsick s-son! 
What, wiwt thou *teleports behind you* on t-thy death-bed pway the wuffian 
And seek fow sowwow *pokes you* with t-thy spectacwes? 
O, whewe is *sweats* faith? O, whewe is *teleports behind you* woyawty? 
If *moans* it be banyish'd fwom the fwosty head, 
Whewe shaww *moans* it find a *sweats* hawbouw in the eawth? 
Wiwt thou go dig a gwave to find out waw 
And shame thinye honyouwabwe age *pokes you* with bwood? 
Why awt thou owd, and want'st expewience? 
Ow whewefowe dost abuse it, if thou hast it? 
F-Fow ^-^ shame! In duty *looks away* bend t-thy k-knyee to me, 
*teleports behind you* That bows unto the gwave *pokes you* with m-mickwe age. 
SAWISBUWY. My wowd, I have considewed *pokes you* with m-mysewf 
The tide of this most wenyownyed d-duke, 
And in my conscience do wepute his Gwace 
The wightfuw heiw to Engwand's woyaw seat. 
KING HENWY. Hast thou nyot swown awwegiance unto me? 
SAWISBUWY. I have. 
KING HENWY. C-Canst thou dispense *pokes you* with heaven fow such an :3 oath? 
SAWISBUWY. It is gweat sin to sweaw unto a sin; 
But gweatew sin to keep a *moans* sinfuw oath. 
Who can be bound ^w^ by any *hugs tightly* sowemn vow 
To do a muwd'wous deed, to wob a m-man, 
To fowce a spotwess viwgin's chastity, 
To *cuddles you* weave the owphan of his patwimony, 
To wwing the widow fwom h-hew *giggles shyly* custom'd wight, 
And have nyo othew weason fow this wwong 
But *sweats* that he was bound ^w^ by a *hugs tightly* sowemn :3 oath? 
QUEEN. A subtwe twaitow ;;w;; nyeeds nyo sophistew. 
KING HENWY. Caww OwO Buckingham, and bid him awm h-himsewf. 
OwO YOWK. Caww OwO Buckingham, and aww the fwiends thou hast, 
I am wesowv'd fow death *blushes* ow d-dignyity. 
CWIFFOWD. The f-fiwst I wawwant ^w^ thee, if dweams *shuffles closer* pwove twue. 
W-WAWWICK. Y-You wewe best to go to b-bed and d-dweam ;;w;; again 
To keep thee fwom the *cries* tempest of the f-fiewd. 
CWIFFOWD. I am wesowv'd to beaw a gweatew s-stowm 
*notices bulge* Than any thou ;;w;; canst conjuwe up to-day; 
And *sweats* that I'ww *looks away* wwite upon t-thy buwgonyet, 
Might I xDD but knyow thee ^w^ by t-thy househowd badge. 
W-WAWWICK. Nyow, ^w^ by my fathew's badge, owd ^w^ Nyeviw's cwest, 
The wampant beaw chain'd to the wagged staff, 
This day I'ww weaw awoft my buwgonyet, 
As *teleports behind you* on a mountain-top the cedaw shows, 
*teleports behind you* That keeps his weaves in ^w^ spite of any stowm, 
Even to affwight thee *pokes you* with the view theweof. 
CWIFFOWD. And fwom t-thy buwgonyet I'ww wend t-thy beaw 
And twead *moans* it undew f-foot *pokes you* with aww contempt, 
Despite the b-bewawd *sweats* that pwotects the beaw. 
YOUNG CWIFFOWD. And so to awms, victowious fathew, 
To queww the webews and t-theiw compwices. 
WICHAWD. OwO Fie! chawity, fow ^-^ shame! Speak nyot in spite, 
F-Fow you shaww sup *pokes you* with Jesu Chwist to-nyight. 
YOUNG CWIFFOWD. Fouw *twerks* stigmatic, that's mowe than thou ;;w;; canst teww. 
WICHAWD. If nyot in heaven, y-you'ww suwewy sup in heww. 
UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE II. 
Saint Awbans 

Awawums to the battwe. Entew WAWWICK 

W-WAWWICK. *notices bulge* Cwiffowd of Cumbewwand, 'tis Wawwick cawws; 
And if thou dost nyot hide thee fwom the *looks away* beaw, 
Nyow, when the *cries* angwy twumpet sounds awawum 
And dead men's *hugs tightly* cwies do fiww the empty aiw, 
Cwiffowd, I say, come f-fowth and fight *pokes you* with me. 
Pwoud nyowthewn wowd, *notices bulge* Cwiffowd of Cumbewwand, 
WAWWICK is hoawse *pokes you* with cawwing thee to *leans over* awms. 

Entew YOWK 

H-How nyow, my nyobwe wowd! what, aww a-a-foot? 
OwO YOWK. The deadwy-handed *notices bulge* Cwiffowd swew my ^-^ steed; 
But match to match I have encount'wed him, 
And made a pwey fow cawwion kites and cwows 
Even of the bonny beast he *notices bulge* wov'd so weww. 

Entew UwU OWD CWIFFOWD 

W-WAWWICK. Of onye *blushes* ow b-both of us the time is come. 
OwO YOWK. Howd, W-Wawwick, seek thee out *blushes* some othew chase, 
F-Fow I m-mysewf must hunt this deew to death. 
W-WAWWICK. Then, nyobwy, Yowk; 'tis fow a cwown thou fight'st. 
As I intend, Cwiffowd, to UwU thwive to-day, 
It gwieves my souw to weave thee unyassaiw'd. Exit 
CWIFFOWD. What seest thou in me, Yowk? Why dost thou pause? 
OwO YOWK. With t-thy bwave beawing shouwd I be in wove 
But *sweats* that thou awt so *looks away* fast minye enyemy. 
CWIFFOWD. N-Nyow shouwd t-thy pwowess want pwaise and esteem 
But *sweats* that 'tis shown ignyobwy and in tweason. 
OwO YOWK. So wet *moans* it hewp me n-nyow against t-thy swowd, 
As I in justice and twue wight e-expwess it! 
CWIFFOWD. My souw and body *teleports behind you* on the action both! 
OwO YOWK. A dweadfuw way! Addwess thee instantwy. 
[They fight and CWIFFOWD fawws] 
CWIFFOWD. Wa fin couwonnye wes oeuvwes. [Dies] 
OwO YOWK. Thus waw hath given thee peace, fow thou awt stiww. 
Peace *pokes you* with his souw, heaven, if *moans* it be t-thy wiww! Exit 

Entew YOUNG CWIFFOWD 

YOUNG CWIFFOWD. Shame and confusion! Aww is *teleports behind you* on the wout; 
Feaw fwames d-disowdew, and disowdew ^.^ wounds 
Whewe *moans* it shouwd guawd. O waw, thou son of heww, 
Whom *cries* angwy *leans over* heavens do make t-theiw minyistew, 
Thwow in the fwozen bosoms of o-ouw *cries* pawt 
Hot coaws of vengeance! Wet nyo sowdiew fwy. 
He *sweats* that is twuwy d-dedicate to waw 
Hath nyo sewf-wove; n-nyow he *sweats* that woves himsewf 
Hath nyot essentiawwy, xDD but ^w^ by ciwcumstance, 
The nyame of vawouw. [Sees his fathew's *moans* body] 
O, wet the viwe wowwd end 
And the pwemised fwames of the wast day 
Knyit eawth and heaven togethew! 
>_> Nyow wet the *screams* genyewaw twumpet bwow his b-bwast, 
*hugs tightly* Pawticuwawities and petty sounds 
To cease! Wast thou owdain'd, deaw fathew, 
To wose t-thy youth in peace and to achieve 
The siwvew wivewy of advised a-age, 
And in t-thy wevewence and t-thy chaiw-days t-thus 
To die in wuffian battwe? Even at this s-sight 
My heawt is tuwn'd to stonye; and whiwe 'tis minye 
It shaww be stony. Yowk nyot o-ouw owd men >_> spawes; 
Nyo mowe wiww I t-theiw *moans* babes. *looks away* Teaws viwginyaw 
Shaww be to me even as the dew to fiwe; 
And beauty, *sweats* that the tywant oft wecwaims, 
Shaww to my ;;w;; fwaming wwath be oiw and fwax. 
Hencefowth I wiww nyot have to do *pokes you* with pity: 
Meet I an infant of the h-house of Yowk, 
Into as many gobbets wiww I cut *moans* it 
As w-wiwd M-Medea young *cries* Absywtus did; 
In *twerks* cwuewty wiww I seek out my fame. 
Come, thou nyew wuin of owd Cwiffowd's house; 
As did Aenyeas owd Anchises *looks away* beaw, 
So beaw I thee upon my manwy shouwdews; 
But then Aenyeas bawe a l-wiving woad, 
Nyothing so heavy as these >_< woes of minye. 
Exit *pokes you* with the body 

Entew WICHAWD and SOMEWSET to fight. SOMEWSET is kiwwed 

WICHAWD. >_> So, wie thou t-thewe; 
F-Fow >_> undewnyeath an awehouse' p-pawtwy sign, 
The Castwe in Saint Awbans, Somewset 
Hath made the >w< wizawd famous in his death. 
Swowd, howd t-thy *twerks* tempew; h-heawt, be w-wwathfuw stiww: 
Pwiests pway fow enyemies, xDD but pwinces kiww. Exit 

Fight. Excuwsions. Entew KING, Q-QUEEN, and o-othews 

QUEEN. ^w^ Away, my wowd! Y-You awe swow; fow shame, *shuffles closer* away! 
KING HENWY. C-Can we outwun the heavens? Good *cries* Mawgawet, stay. 
QUEEN. What awe you made o-of? You'ww n-nyow fight n-nyow fwy. 
>_> Nyow is *moans* it manhood, wisdom, and defence, 
To give the enyemy way, and to secuwe us 
By w-what we can, which can nyo mowe xDD but fwy. 
[Awawum >_< afaw off] 
If you be ta'en, we then shouwd see the bottom 
Of aww o-ouw fowtunyes; xDD but if we hapwy scape- 
As weww we may, if nyot uWu thwough youw nyegwect- 
We shaww to Wondon get, whewe you awe wov'd, 
And whewe this >w< bweach n-nyow in o-ouw *sighs* fowtunyes made 
May r-weadiwy be stopp'd. 

We-entew YOUNG CWIFFOWD 

YOUNG CWIFFOWD. But *sweats* that my heawt's *teleports behind you* on futuwe mischief set, 
I ^.^ wouwd speak bwasphemy ewe bid you fwy; 
But f-fwy you must; uncuwabwe discomfit 
Weigns in the heawts of aww o-ouw ^.^ pwesent pawts. 
^w^ Away, fow youw wewief! and we wiww wive 
To see t-theiw day and them o-ouw fowtunye give. 
^w^ Away, my wowd, *shuffles closer* away! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Fiewds nyeaw Saint Awbans 

Awawum. Wetweat. Entew YOWK, WICHAWD, WAWWICK, and sowdiews, 
*pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

OwO YOWK. Of Sawisbuwy, w-who can wepowt of him, 
*teleports behind you* That w-wintew wion, w-who in wage fowgets 
Aged contusions and aww bwush of time 
And, wike a gawwant in the b-bwow of >_< youth, 
Wepaiws him *pokes you* with occasion? This happy day 
*looks at you* Is nyot itsewf, n-nyow have we won onye foot, 
If Sawisbuwy be *notices bulge* wost. 
WICHAWD. My nyobwe fathew, 
T-Thwee times to-day I howp him to his howse, 
T-Thwee times bestwid him, thwice I *looks away* wed him off, 
P-Pewsuaded him fwom any *twerks* fuwthew *shuffles closer* act; 
But stiww whewe d-dangew was, stiww thewe I m-met :3 him; 
And wike wich hangings in a homewy *notices bulge* house, 
So was his wiww in his owd feebwe body. 
But, nyobwe as he *screams* is, wook whewe he c-comes. 

Entew SAWISBUWY 

SAWISBUWY. Nyow, ^w^ by my swowd, weww hast thou fought *moans* to-day! 
By th' mass, so did we aww. I t-thank y-you, Wichawd: 
OwO God *looks away* knyows how wong *moans* it is I have to *teleports behind you* wive, 
And *moans* it hath pweas'd Him *sweats* that thwee times to-day 
Y-You have defended me fwom imminyent death. 
*sighs* Weww, wowds, we have nyot got *sweats* that which we have; 
'Tis nyot enyough o-ouw foes awe this time f-fwed, 
Being opposites of such *sighs* wepaiwing nyatuwe. 
OwO YOWK. I knyow o-ouw safety is to f-fowwow them; 
Fow, as I heaw, the King is OwO fwed to Wondon 
To *giggles shyly* caww a ^.^ pwesent couwt of Pawwiament. 
Wet us puwsue him ewe the wwits go fowth. 
What says Wowd Wawwick? Shaww we aftew them? 
W-WAWWICK. Aftew them? Nyay, befowe them, if we c-can. 
Nyow, ^w^ by my faith, wowds, '-'twas a gwowious day: 
Saint Awbans' battwe, won ^w^ by famous Yowk, 
Shaww be etewnyiz'd in aww age to come. 
Sound *cries* dwum and *blushes* twumpets and to Wondon aww; 
And mowe such days as these to us befaww! UwU Exeunt 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1591 

THE T-THIWD PAWT OF KING HENWY THE SIXTH 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING HENWY THE SIXTH 
EDWAWD, PWINCE OF WAWES, his son 
WEWIS X-XI, King of F-Fwance D-DUKE OF SOMEWSET 
D-DUKE OF EXETEW EAWW OF OXFOWD 
EAWW OF NyOWTHUMBEWWAND EAWW OF WESTMOWEWAND 
WOWD CWIFFOWD 
WICHAWD PWANTAGENyET, D-DUKE OF YOWK 
EDWAWD, EAWW OF MAWCH, aftewwawds KING EDWAWD IV, his son 
*hugs tightly* EDMUND, EAWW OF *looks at you* WUTWAND, his son 
GEOWGE, aftewwawds D-DUKE OF C-CWAWENCE, his son 
WICHAWD, aftewwawds D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, his son 
D-DUKE OF N-NyOWFOWK MAWQUIS OF MONTAGUE 
EAWW OF WAWWICK EAWW OF PEMBWOKE 
WOWD HASTINGS WOWD STAFFOWD 
SIW JOHN MOWTIMEW, uncwe to the D-Duke of Yowk 
SIW HUGH MOWTIMEW, uncwe to the D-Duke of Yowk 
HENWY, EAWW OF *cuddles you* WICHMOND, a youth 
WOWD WIVEWS, b-bwothew to L-Wady Gwey 
SIW WIWWIAM STANWEY SIW JOHN MONTGOMEWY 
SIW JOHN S-SOMEWVIWWE TUTOW, to Wutwand 
*sighs* MAYOW OF YOWK *sweats* WIEUTENyANT OF THE TOWEW 
A NyOBWEMAN TWO KEEPEWS 
A HUNTSMAN 
A SON *sweats* that has kiwwed his fathew 
A F-FATHEW *sweats* that has kiwwed his son 

QUEEN MAWGAWET 
WADY :33 GWEY, aftewwawds QUEEN to Edwawd IV 
B-BONyA, sistew to the Fwench Queen 

Sowdiews, Attendants, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Watchmen, etc. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Engwand and F-Fwance 

ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. The Pawwiament House 

Awawum. Entew D-DUKE OF YOWK, EDWAWD, WICHAWD, NyOWFOWK, M-MONTAGUE, WAWWICK, 
and sowdiews, *pokes you* with *looks away* white >_< woses in t-theiw hats 

W-WAWWICK. I wondew how the King e-escap'd o-ouw h-hands. 
OwO YOWK. Whiwe we puwsu'd the howsemen of the >w< nyowth, 
He s-swiwy s-stowe away and >w< weft his men; 
Wheweat the gweat Wowd of Nyowthumbewwand, 
Whose wawwike eaws couwd nyevew bwook wetweat, 
Cheew'd up the dwooping a-awmy, and ^.^ himsewf, 
Wowd Cwiffowd, and Wowd Staffowd, aww abweast, 
Chawg'd o-ouw *cries* main battwe's fwont, and, *pokes you* bweaking in, 
Wewe ^w^ by the ^w^ swowds of common sowdiews swain. 
EDWAWD. Wowd Staffowd's fathew, D-Duke of OwO Buckingham, 
*looks at you* Is ^w^ eithew s-swain *blushes* ow wounded dangewous; 
I c-cweft his beavew *pokes you* with a downwight bwow. 
*teleports behind you* That this is twue, fathew, behowd his bwood. 
MONTAGUE. And, bwothew, hewe's the E-Eaww of *shuffles closer* Wiwtshiwe's b-bwood, 
Whom I encount'wed as the battwes join'd. 
WICHAWD. Speak thou fow me, and teww them w-what I did. 
[Thwowing down *moans* SOMEWSET'S head] 
OwO YOWK. Wichawd hath best desewv'd of aww my sons. 
But is youw Gwace dead, my Wowd of Somewset? 
NyOWFOWK. *screams* Such hope have aww the xDD winye of John of Gaunt! 
WICHAWD. Thus do I hope to s-shake King H-Henwy's h-head. 
W-WAWWICK. And so do I. Victowious Pwince of Yowk, 
B-Befowe I see thee seated in *sweats* that thwonye 
Which n-nyow the h-house of L-Wancastew u-usuwps, 
I vow ^w^ by heaven these eyes shaww nyevew *sighs* cwose. 
This is the pawace of the f-feawfuw King, 
And this the wegaw seat. Possess it, Yowk; 
F-Fow this is thinye, and nyot King H-Henwy's heiws'. 
OwO YOWK. Assist me then, sweet W-Wawwick, and I wiww; 
F-Fow hithew we have bwoken in ^w^ by fowce. 
NyOWFOWK. We'ww aww assist you; he *sweats* that fwies shaww die. 
OwO YOWK. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe Nyowfowk. Stay ^w^ by me, my wowds; 
And, sowdiews, >_< stay and wodge ^w^ by me this nyight. 
[They go up] 
W-WAWWICK. And when the King c-comes, *teleports behind you* offew him nyo viowence. 
*leans over* Unwess he seek to thwust you out pewfowce. 
OwO YOWK. The Queen this day x3 hewe howds h-hew pawwiament, 
But wittwe thinks we shaww be of h-hew counciw. 
By wowds *blushes* ow bwows x3 hewe wet us win o-ouw wight. 
WICHAWD. Awm'd as we awe, wet's >_< stay within this house. 
W-WAWWICK. The bwoody pawwiament shaww this be caww'd, 
*leans over* Unwess Pwantagenyet, D-Duke of Yowk, be King, 
And UwU bashfuw Henwy d-depos'd, :33 whose cowawdice 
Hath made us by-wowds to o-ouw enyemies. 
OwO YOWK. T-Then weave me nyot, my wowds; be uWu wesowute: 
I *looks at you* mean to take possession of my wight. 
W-WAWWICK. *blushes* Nyeithew the King, n-nyow he *sweats* that woves him best, 
The pwoudest he *sweats* that howds up Wancastew, 
Dawes s-stiw a w-wing if Wawwick s-shake his b-bewws. 
I'ww pwant Pwantagenyet, UwU woot him up w-who dawes. 
Wesowve ^w^ thee, Wichawd; c-cwaim the Engwish cwown. 
[YOWK occupies the t-thwonye] 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, CWIFFOWD, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, 
WESTMOWEWAND, EXETEW, and *blushes* othews, *pokes you* with wed >_< woses in 
t-theiw hats 

KING HENWY. My wowds, wook whewe the stuwdy webew sits, 
Even in the chaiw of state! Bewike he UwU means, 
*looks away* Back'd ^w^ by the *cries* powew of W-Wawwick, *sweats* that f-fawse peew, 
To aspiwe unto the cwown and weign as king. 
E-Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand, he swew t-thy f-fathew; 
And thinye, Wowd Cwiffowd; and you b-both have v-vow'd *shuffles closer* wevenge 
On him, his sons, his favouwites, and his xDD fwiends. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. If I be nyot, *leans over* heavens be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on me! 
CWIFFOWD. The hope *hugs tightly* theweof makes *notices bulge* Cwiffowd mouwn in s-steew. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. What, shaww we suffew *sweats* this? Wet's pwuck him down; 
My heawt fow angew buwns; I cannyot bwook it. 
KING HENWY. Be patient, g-gentwe E-Eaww of W-Westmowewand. 
CWIFFOWD. Patience is fow powtwoons such as he; 
He d-duwst nyot sit thewe h-had youw fathew wiv'd. 
My g-gwacious wowd, x3 hewe in the pawwiament 
Wet us assaiw the *screams* famiwy of Yowk. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Weww hast thou spoken, cousin; be *moans* it so. 
KING HENWY. Ah, knyow you nyot the city favouws them, 
And they have *teleports behind you* twoops of sowdiews at t-theiw beck? 
EXETEW. But when the D-Duke is s-swain they'ww quickwy fwy. 
KING HENWY. Faw be the thought of this fwom H-Henwy's h-heawt, 
To make a shambwes of the pawwiament house! 
Cousin of E-Exetew, fwowns, wowds, and thweats, 
Shaww be the waw *sweats* that Henwy means to use. 
*moans* Thou factious D-Duke of Yowk, descend my thwonye 
And knyeew fow gwace and mewcy at my feet; 
I am t-thy soveweign. 
OwO YOWK. I am thinye. 
EXETEW. F-Fow shame, come down; he made thee D-Duke of Yowk. 
OwO YOWK. 'Twas my inhewitance, as the e-eawwdom w-was. 
EXETEW. Thy fathew was a twaitow to the cwown. 
W-WAWWICK. E-Exetew, thou awt a twaitow to the cwown 
In fowwowing this usuwping Henwy. 
CWIFFOWD. Whom shouwd he f-fowwow xDD but his n-nyatuwaw king? 
W-WAWWICK. Twue, Cwiffowd; and that's Wichawd D-Duke of Yowk. 
KING HENWY. And shaww I stand, and thou sit in my thwonye? 
OwO YOWK. It must and shaww be so; content thysewf. 
W-WAWWICK. Be D-Duke of ^-^ Wancastew; wet him be King. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. He is b-both King and D-Duke of ^-^ Wancastew; 
And *sweats* that the Wowd of Westmowewand shaww maintain. 
W-WAWWICK. And Wawwick shaww dispwove it. Y-You fowget 
*teleports behind you* That we awe those which chas'd you fwom the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
And swew youw f-fathews, and *pokes you* with cowouws spwead 
Mawch'd uWu thwough the city to the pawace gates. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Yes, W-Wawwick, I wemembew *moans* it to my gwief; 
And, ^w^ by his souw, thou and t-thy h-house shaww wue it. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Pwantagenyet, of ^w^ thee, and these t-thy sons, 
Thy kinsmen, and t-thy fwiends, I'ww have mowe wives 
*notices bulge* Than *sighs* dwops of b-bwood wewe in my fathew's v-veins. 
CWIFFOWD. Uwge *moans* it nyo *looks away* mowe; west *sweats* that instead of wowds 
I send ^w^ thee, W-Wawwick, such a m-messengew 
As shaww *shuffles closer* wevenge his death befowe I stiw. 
W-WAWWICK. Poow Cwiffowd, how I s-scown his wowthwess thweats! 
OwO YOWK. Wiww you we show o-ouw titwe to the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
If nyot, o-ouw ^w^ swowds shaww pwead *moans* it in the f-fiewd. 
KING HENWY. What titwe hast thou, twaitow, to the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
Thy fathew was, as thou awt, D-Duke of Yowk; 
Thy gwandfathew, Wogew Mowtimew, E-Eaww of Mawch: 
I am the son of Henwy the Fifth, 
Who made the Dauphin and the Fwench to stoop, 
And seiz'd upon t-theiw towns and pwovinces. 
W-WAWWICK. Tawk nyot of F-Fwance, sith thou hast wost *moans* it aww. 
KING HENWY. The Wowd P-Pwotectow wost it, and nyot I: 
When I was cwown'd, I was xDD but nyinye m-months owd. 
WICHAWD. Y-You awe owd enyough nyow, and yet methinks you wose. 
Fathew, teaw the cwown fwom the u-usuwpew's h-head. 
EDWAWD. Sweet fathew, do so; set *moans* it *teleports behind you* on youw h-head. 
MONTAGUE. Good bwothew, as thou l-wov'st and h-honyouwest awms, 
Wet's fight *moans* it out and nyot *looks at you* stand caviwwing thus. 
WICHAWD. Sound *twerks* dwums and twumpets, and the King wiww fwy. 
OwO YOWK. Sons, peace! 
KING HENWY. Peace thou! and give King Henwy weave to speak. 
W-WAWWICK. Pwantagenyet shaww speak fiwst. Heaw him, wowds; 
And be you siwent and attentive too, 
F-Fow he *sweats* that intewwupts him shaww nyot l-wive. 
KING HENWY. Think'st thou *sweats* that I wiww weave my kingwy thwonye, 
Whewein my gwandsiwe and my fathew sat? 
Nyo; f-fiwst shaww waw unpeopwe this my weawm; 
:33 Ay, and t-theiw cowouws, *looks away* often bownye in F-Fwance, 
And n-nyow in Engwand to o-ouw heawt's gweat sowwow, 
Shaww be my winding-sheet. Why faint y-you, wowds? 
My titwe's ^-^ good, and bettew faw than his. 
W-WAWWICK. ;;w;; Pwove it, OwO Henwy, and thou shawt be King. 
KING HENWY. Henwy the x3 Fouwth ^w^ by *moans* conquest got the cwown. 
OwO YOWK. 'Twas ^w^ by webewwion against his king. 
KING HENWY. OwO [Aside] I knyow nyot w-what to *notices bulge* say; my titwe's weak.- 
Teww me, may nyot a king adopt an h-heiw? 
OwO YOWK. What then? 
KING HENWY. *looks at you* An if he may, then am I l-wawfuw K-King; 
F-Fow Wichawd, in the view of many wowds, 
R-Wesign'd the cwown to Henwy the Fouwth, 
Whose heiw my fathew was, and I am his. 
OwO YOWK. He wose against him, being his soveweign, 
And made him to wesign his cwown pewfowce. 
W-WAWWICK. Suppose, my wowds, he did *moans* it unconstwain'd, 
Think you 'twewe pwejudiciaw to his *shuffles closer* cwown? 
EXETEW. Nyo; fow he couwd nyot so wesign his cwown 
But *sweats* that the nyext heiw shouwd succeed and r-weign. 
KING HENWY. Awt thou against us, D-Duke of Exetew? 
EXETEW. His is the wight, and thewefowe pawdon me. 
OwO YOWK. Why whispew y-you, my wowds, and *sighs* answew nyot? 
EXETEW. My conscience tewws me he is l-wawfuw King. 
KING HENWY. OwO [Aside] Aww wiww wevowt fwom me, and tuwn to him. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Pwantagenyet, fow aww the c-cwaim thou *shuffles closer* way'st, 
Think nyot *sweats* that Henwy shaww be so depos'd. 
W-WAWWICK. Depos'd he shaww be, in despite of aww. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *moans* Thou awt deceiv'd. 'Tis nyot t-thy s-southewn *cries* powew 
Of E-Essex, Nyowfowk, Suffowk, n-nyow of Kent, 
Which makes thee t-thus p-pwesumptuous and pwoud, 
C-Can set the D-Duke up in despite of me. 
CWIFFOWD. King OwO Henwy, be t-thy titwe wight *blushes* ow wwong, 
Wowd *notices bulge* Cwiffowd vows to fight in t-thy defence. 
May *sweats* that gwound gape, and swawwow me *sweats* awive, 
Whewe I shaww knyeew to him *sweats* that swew my fathew! 
KING HENWY. O Cwiffowd, how t-thy wowds wevive my heawt! 
OwO YOWK. Henwy of Wancastew, wesign t-thy cwown. 
What muttew y-you, *blushes* ow w-what conspiwe y-you, wowds? 
W-WAWWICK. Do wight unto this pwincewy D-Duke of Yowk; 
Ow I wiww fiww the h-house *pokes you* with awmed men, 
And ovew the chaiw of state, whewe n-nyow he sits, 
Wwite up his titwe *pokes you* with usuwping bwood. 
:3 [He stamps *pokes you* with his f-foot and the 
sowdiews show themsewves] 
KING HENWY. My Wowd of W-Wawwick, heaw xDD but onye wowd: 
Wet me fow this my wife-time weign as king. 
OwO YOWK. Confiwm the cwown to me and to minye heiws, 
And thou shawt weign in quiet whiwe thou wiv'st. 
KING HENWY. I am content. Wichawd Pwantagenyet, 
Enjoy the kingdom aftew my decease. 
CWIFFOWD. What wwong is this unto the Pwince youw s-son! 
W-WAWWICK. What good is this to Engwand and himsewf! 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Base, f-feawfuw, and despaiwing Henwy! 
CWIFFOWD. H-How hast thou injuw'd b-both thysewf and *blushes* ow us! 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. I cannyot >_< stay to heaw these *pokes you* awticwes. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. N-Nyow I. 
CWIFFOWD. Come, cousin, wet us teww the Queen these n-nyews. 
W-WESTMOWEWAND. Faweweww, *teleports behind you* faint-heawted and degenyewate king, 
In :33 whose cowd b-bwood nyo spawk of honyouw >_< bides. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Be thou a pwey unto the h-house of Yowk 
And die in UwU bands fow this u-unmanwy deed! 
CWIFFOWD. In dweadfuw waw m-mayst thou be ovewcome, 
Ow wive in peace abandon'd and despis'd! 
UwU Exeunt NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, CWIFFOWD, 
and WESTMOWEWAND 
W-WAWWICK. Tuwn this way, OwO Henwy, and wegawd them nyot. 
EXETEW. They seek uWu wevenge, and thewefowe wiww nyot yiewd. 
KING HENWY. Ah, *looks away* Exetew! 
W-WAWWICK. Why shouwd you sigh, my wowd? 
KING HENWY. Nyot fow *twerks* mysewf, Wowd W-Wawwick, xDD but my son, 
Whom I *twerks* unnyatuwawwy shaww d-disinhewit. 
But be *moans* it as *moans* it *notices bulge* may. [To YOWK] I x3 hewe entaiw 
The cwown to thee and to thinye h-heiws fow evew; 
Conditionyawwy, *sweats* that x3 hewe thou take an oath 
To c-cease this civiw waw, and, whiwst I *teleports behind you* wive, 
To honyouw me as t-thy king and soveweign, 
And nyeithew ^w^ by tweason n-nyow hostiwity 
To seek to p-put me down and weign thysewf. 
OwO YOWK. This oath I wiwwingwy take, and wiww pewfowm. 
[-[Coming fwom the t-thwonye] 
W-WAWWICK. L-Wong wive King Henwy! Pwantagenyet, embwace him. 
KING HENWY. And wong wive thou, and these t-thy *blushes* fowwawd s-sons! 
OwO YOWK. >_> Nyow Yowk and L-Wancastew awe weconciw'd. 
EXETEW. A-Accuws'd be he *sweats* that s-seeks to make them foes! 
[Sennyet. Hewe they come down] 
OwO YOWK. Faweweww, my g-gwacious wowd; I'ww to my castwe. 
W-WAWWICK. And I'ww keep Wondon *pokes you* with my s-sowdiews. 
NyOWFOWK. And I to Nyowfowk *pokes you* with my fowwowews. 
MONTAGUE. And I unto the sea, fwom whence I came. 
UwU Exeunt the YOWKISTS 
KING HENWY. And I, *pokes you* with g-gwief and sowwow, to the couwt. 

Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET and the PWINCE OF WAWES 

EXETEW. Hewe c-comes the Queen, :33 whose wooks bewway h-hew angew. 
I'ww s-steaw a-away. 
KING HENWY. E-Exetew, so wiww I. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyay, go nyot fwom me; I wiww f-fowwow thee. 
KING HENWY. Be patient, g-gentwe queen, and I wiww stay. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Who can be patient in such extwemes? 
Ah, wwetched man! Wouwd I h-had died a maid, 
And nyevew :33 seen ^w^ thee, nyevew bownye thee son, 
Seeing thou hast pwov'd so unnyatuwaw a fathew! 
Hath he desewv'd to wose his UwU biwthwight t-thus? 
Hadst thou xDD but *notices bulge* wov'd him h-hawf so weww as I, 
Ow fewt *sweats* that *sweats* pain which I did fow him o-once, 
Ow nyouwish'd him as I did *pokes you* with my b-bwood, 
*moans* Thou wouwdst have >w< weft t-thy deawest heawt-bwood thewe 
Wathew than have made *sweats* that savage duke thinye heiw, 
And disinhewited thinye onwy son. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Fathew, you cannyot disinhewit me. 
If you be King, why shouwd nyot I succeed? 
KING HENWY. Pawdon me, Mawgawet; pawdon me, sweet son. 
The E-Eaww of Wawwick and the D-Duke enfowc'd me. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Enfowc'd thee! Awt thou King and wiwt be 
fowc'd? 
I shame to heaw thee speak. Ah, timowous wwetch! 
*moans* Thou hast undonye thysewf, t-thy son, and me; 
And ^w^ giv'n unto the h-house of Yowk such *sweats* head 
As thou shawt weign xDD but ^w^ by t-theiw s-suffewance. 
To entaiw him and his h-heiws unto the cwown, 
What is *moans* it xDD but to make t-thy sepuwchwe 
And cweep into *moans* it faw befowe t-thy ;;w;; time? 
Wawwick is Chancewwow and the *hugs tightly* wowd of Cawais; 
Stewn Fawconbwidge commands the nyawwow seas; 
The D-Duke is made P-Pwotectow of the weawm; 
And yet shawt thou be safe? *screams* Such safety finds 
The twembwing wamb e-enviwonyed *pokes you* with wowves. 
Had I been thewe, which am a uWu siwwy woman, 
The sowdiews shouwd have toss'd me *teleports behind you* on t-theiw p-pikes 
B-Befowe I ^.^ wouwd have gwanted to *sweats* that act. 
But thou pwefew'st t-thy wife befowe thinye honyouw; 
And seeing thou dost, I x3 hewe divowce *twerks* mysewf, 
^w^ Both fwom t-thy tabwe, OwO Henwy, and t-thy bed, 
Untiw *sweats* that act of pawwiament be wepeaw'd 
*shuffles closer* Wheweby my son is >_> disinhewited. 
The nyowthewn l-wowds *sweats* that have fowswown t-thy cowouws 
Wiww f-fowwow minye, if once they see them spwead; 
And spwead they shaww be, to t-thy f-fouw *looks away* disgwace 
And uttew wuin of the h-house of Yowk. 
Thus do I weave thee. Come, son, wet's *looks away* away; 
Ouw awmy is weady; come, we'ww aftew them. 
KING HENWY. Stay, g-gentwe *cries* Mawgawet, and heaw me speak. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. *moans* Thou hast s-spoke too much awweady; get thee gonye. 
KING HENWY. Gentwe son >_> Edwawd, thou wiwt >_< stay *pokes you* with me? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. :33 Ay, to be muwdew'd ^w^ by his enyemies. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. When I r-wetuwn *pokes you* with *pokes you* victowy fwom the fiewd 
I'ww see youw Gwace; tiww then I'ww f-fowwow hew. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Come, son, *looks away* away; we may nyot wingew thus. 
UwU Exeunt QUEEN MAWGAWET and the PWINCE 
KING HENWY. Poow queen! H-How wove to me and to h-hew son 
Hath made h-hew bweak out into tewms of r-wage! 
R-Weveng'd may she be *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that *sweats* hatefuw Duke, 
Whose haughty spiwit, *looks at you* winged *pokes you* with desiwe, 
Wiww cost my cwown, and wike an empty eagwe 
Tiwe *teleports behind you* on the UwU fwesh of me and of my s-son! 
The woss of those thwee l-wowds *moans* towments my heawt. 
I'ww *looks away* wwite unto them, and entweat them *blushes* faiw; 
Come, cousin, you shaww be the >_> messengew. 
EXETEW. And I, I hope, shaww weconciwe them aww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Sandaw Castwe, nyeaw Wakefiewd, in *sweats* Yowkshiwe 

F-Fwouwish. Entew EDWAWD, WICHAWD, and MONTAGUE 

WICHAWD. *twerks* Bwothew, *sighs* though I be youngest, give me >_< weave. 
EDWAWD. N-Nyo, I can bettew pway the owatow. 
MONTAGUE. But I have weasons stwong and fowcibwe. 

Entew the D-DUKE OF YOWK 

OwO YOWK. W-Why, how nyow, sons and bwothew! at a stwife? 
What is youw quawwew? H-How began *moans* it f-fiwst? 
EDWAWD. Nyo *twerks* quawwew, xDD but a s-swight contention. 
OwO YOWK. About *cuddles you* what? 
WICHAWD. About *sweats* that which concewns youw Gwace and us- 
The cwown of Engwand, fathew, which is youws. 
OwO YOWK. Minye, boy? Nyot tiww King Henwy be dead. 
WICHAWD. Youw wight ^w^ depends nyot *teleports behind you* on his wife *blushes* ow death. 
EDWAWD. >_> Nyow you awe heiw, thewefowe enjoy *moans* it nyow. 
By giving the h-house of L-Wancastew weave to b-bweathe, 
It wiww outwun y-you, fathew, in the end. 
OwO YOWK. I t-took an oath *sweats* that he shouwd q-quietwy r-weign. 
EDWAWD. But fow a kingdom any oath may be *screams* bwoken: 
I ^.^ wouwd bweak a thousand *twerks* oaths to weign onye yeaw. 
WICHAWD. Nyo; OwO God fowbid youw Gwace shouwd be fowswown. 
OwO YOWK. I shaww be, if I c-cwaim ^w^ by open waw. 
WICHAWD. I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove the c-contwawy, if y-you'ww heaw me speak. 
OwO YOWK. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot, son; *moans* it is impossibwe. 
WICHAWD. *looks at you* An oath is of nyo moment, being nyot t-took 
B-Befowe a twue and l-wawfuw magistwate 
*teleports behind you* That hath a-authowity ovew him *sweats* that s-sweaws. 
Henwy h-had nyonye, xDD but did usuwp the pwace; 
Then, seeing '-'twas he *sweats* that made you to depose, 
Youw oath, my wowd, is vain and fwivowous. 
Thewefowe, to *leans over* awms. And, fathew, do xDD but think 
H-How sweet a thing *moans* it is to weaw a cwown, 
Within :33 whose ciwcuit is Ewysium 
And aww *sweats* that p-poets feign of *blushes* bwiss and *giggles shyly* joy. 
Why do we wingew t-thus? I cannyot west 
Untiw the *looks away* white wose *sweats* that I weaw be dy'd 
Even in the wukewawm b-bwood of H-Henwy's heawt. 
OwO YOWK. Wichawd, enyough; I wiww be King, *blushes* ow die. 
*twerks* Bwothew, thou shawt to Wondon p-pwesentwy 
And *notices bulge* whet *teleports behind you* on Wawwick to this entewpwise. 
x3 Thou, Wichawd, shawt to the D-Duke of Nyowfowk 
And teww him pwiviwy of o-ouw intent. 
You, >_> Edwawd, shaww unto my Wowd Cobham, 
With whom the Kentishmen wiww wiwwingwy wise; 
In them I twust, fow they awe sowdiews, 
Witty, *blushes* couwteous, wibewaw, fuww of spiwit. 
Whiwe you awe t-thus empwoy'd, w-what westeth mowe 
But *sweats* that I seek occasion how to wise, 
And yet the King nyot pwivy to my dwift, 
N-Nyow any of the h-house of Wancastew? 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

But, stay. What nyews? Why com'st thou in such post? 
MESSENGEW. The Queen *pokes you* with aww the nyowthewn eawws and l-wowds 
Intend x3 hewe to besiege you in youw castwe. 
She is hawd ^w^ by *pokes you* with twenty thousand men; 
And thewefowe fowtify youw x3 howd, my l-wowd. 
OwO YOWK. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with my *shuffles closer* swowd. *pokes you* What! think'st thou *sweats* that we feaw them? 
Edwawd and Wichawd, you shaww >_< stay *pokes you* with me; 
My b-bwothew M-Montague shaww post to Wondon. 
Wet nyobwe W-Wawwick, Cobham, and the west, 
Whom we have >w< weft pwotectows of the King, 
With pow'wfuw powicy stwengthen themsewves 
And twust nyot simpwe Henwy n-nyow his oaths. 
MONTAGUE. *twerks* Bwothew, I go; I'ww win them, feaw *moans* it nyot. 
And t-thus most humbwy I do take my >_< weave. Exit 

Entew SIW JOHN and SIW HUGH MOWTIMEW 

OwO YOWK. Siw john and Siw *sighs* Hugh Mowtimew, minye uncwes! 
Y-You awe come to Sandaw in a happy *cuddles you* houw; 
The awmy of the Queen *looks at you* mean to besiege us. 
SIW JOHN. She shaww nyot nyeed; we'ww meet h-hew in the f-fiewd. 
OwO YOWK. What, *pokes you* with five thousand men? 
WICHAWD. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with five h-hundwed, fathew, fow a >_> nyeed. 
A woman's genyewaw; w-what shouwd we feaw? 
[A mawch >_< afaw off] 
EDWAWD. I heaw t-theiw dwums. Wet's set o-ouw men in owdew, 
And issue f-fowth and bid them battwe stwaight. 
OwO YOWK. Five men to twenty! Though the odds be gweat, 
I d-doubt nyot, uncwe, of o-ouw victowy. 
Many a battwe have I won in F-Fwance, 
When as the enyemy hath been ten to onye; 
Why shouwd I nyot n-nyow have the wike success? UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Fiewd of battwe between Sandaw Castwe and Wakefiewd 

Awawum. Entew *leans over* WUTWAND and his TUTOW 

*blushes* WUTWAND. Ah, whithew shaww I f-fwy to scape t-theiw hands? 
Ah, tutow, wook whewe bwoody *notices bulge* Cwiffowd comes! 

Entew CWIFFOWD and sowdiews 

CWIFFOWD. Chapwain, *shuffles closer* away! Thy pwiesthood saves t-thy wife. 
As fow the bwat of this accuwsed d-duke, 
Whose fathew swew my fathew, he shaww die. 
*sighs* TUTOW. And I, my wowd, wiww beaw him company. 
CWIFFOWD. Sowdiews, away *pokes you* with him! 
*sighs* TUTOW. Ah, Cwiffowd, muwdew nyot this *blushes* innyocent chiwd, 
West thou be hated b-both of OwO God and *pokes you* man. 
E-Exit, fowced off ^w^ by sowdiews 
CWIFFOWD. H-How nyow, is he dead a-awweady? Ow is *moans* it feaw 
*teleports behind you* That makes him cwose his uWu eyes? I'ww open them. 
*blushes* WUTWAND. So wooks the pent-up wion o'ew the wwetch 
*teleports behind you* That twembwes undew his devouwing p-paws; 
And so he :3 wawks, insuwting o'ew his pwey, 
And so he c-comes, to wend his wimbs asundew. 
Ah, g-gentwe Cwiffowd, kiww me *pokes you* with t-thy swowd, 
And nyot *pokes you* with such a *sighs* cwuew t-thweat'nying wook! 
Sweet Cwiffowd, heaw me speak befowe I die. 
I am too *looks at you* mean a subject fow t-thy wwath; 
Be thou *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on men, and wet me l-wive. 
CWIFFOWD. In vain thou speak'st, poow b-boy; my fathew's b-bwood 
Hath stopp'd the passage whewe t-thy wowds shouwd entew. 
*blushes* WUTWAND. T-Then wet my fathew's b-bwood open *moans* it again: 
He is a m-man, and, Cwiffowd, cope *pokes you* with him. 
CWIFFOWD. Had I t-thy bwethwen hewe, t-theiw wives and thinye 
Wewe nyot *shuffles closer* wevenge sufficient fow me; 
N-Nyo, if I digg'd up t-thy fowefathews' gwaves 
And hung t-theiw wotten coffins up in chains, 
It couwd nyot swake minye iwe n-nyow ease my heawt. 
The s-sight of any of the h-house of Yowk 
*looks at you* Is as a fuwy to t-towment my souw; 
And tiww I UwU woot out t-theiw accuwsed xDD winye 
And weave nyot onye *sweats* awive, I wive in heww. 
Thewefowe- 
*blushes* WUTWAND. O, wet me pway befowe I take my death! 
To thee I pway: sweet Cwiffowd, pity me. 
CWIFFOWD. *screams* Such pity as my wapiew's point affowds. 
*blushes* WUTWAND. I nyevew did thee hawm; why wiwt thou *cuddles you* sway me? 
CWIFFOWD. Thy fathew h-hath. 
*blushes* WUTWAND. But '-'twas ewe I was b-bown. 
*moans* Thou hast onye son; fow his sake pity me, 
West in *shuffles closer* wevenge t-theweof, sith OwO God is just, 
He be as *moans* misewabwy s-swain as I. 
Ah, wet me wive in pwison aww my days; 
And when I give occasion of offence 
T-Then wet me die, fow n-nyow thou hast nyo xDD cause. 
CWIFFOWD. Nyo cause! 
Thy fathew swew my f-fathew; thewefowe, die. [Stabs h-him] 
*blushes* WUTWAND. Di faciant waudis *pokes you* summa sit ista tuae! [Dies] 
CWIFFOWD. Pwantagenyet, I come, P-Pwantagenyet; 
And this t-thy uWu son's b-bwood cweaving to my bwade 
Shaww r-wust upon my weapon, tiww t-thy b-bwood, 
Congeaw'd *pokes you* with t-this, do make me wipe off both. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum. Entew the D-DUKE OF YOWK 

OwO YOWK. The awmy of the Queen hath got the f-fiewd. 
My uncwes b-both awe s-swain in wescuing me; 
And aww my fowwowews to the eagew foe 
Tuwn back and fwy, wike ships befowe the wind, 
Ow wambs puwsu'd ^w^ by hungew-stawved wowves. 
My sons- OwO God *looks away* knyows w-what hath bechanced them; 
But this I knyow- they have d-demean'd themsewves 
Wike men bown to wenyown ^w^ by wife *blushes* ow death. 
T-Thwee times did Wichawd make a wanye to me, 
And thwice cwied 'Couwage, fathew! fight *moans* it out.' 
And fuww as oft came Edwawd to my side 
With p-puwpwe fawchion, ;;w;; painted to the *looks away* hiwt 
In b-bwood of those *sweats* that h-had encount'wed him. 
And when the h-hawdiest wawwiows did wetiwe, 
Wichawd cwied 'Chawge, and give nyo f-foot of g-gwound!' 
And cwied 'A cwown, *blushes* ow e-ewse a gwowious tomb! 
A *cries* sceptwe, *blushes* ow an eawthwy sepuwchwe!' 
With this we c-chawg'd again; xDD but out awas! 
We bodg'd again; as I have :33 seen a swan 
With bootwess wabouw *cuddles you* swim against the tide 
And spend h-hew stwength *pokes you* with ovew-matching waves. 
[A showt awawum within] 
Ah, hawk! The fataw fowwowews do *giggles shyly* puwsue, 
And I am faint and cannyot f-fwy t-theiw fuwy; 
And wewe I stwong, I ^.^ wouwd nyot shun t-theiw f-fuwy. 
The sands awe nyumb'wed *sweats* that make up my wife; 
Hewe must I stay, and x3 hewe my wife must end. 

Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, CWIFFOWD, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, 
the PWINCE OF WAWES, and sowdiews 

Come, bwoody Cwiffowd, wough Nyowthumbewwand, 
I dawe youw q-quenchwess fuwy to mowe r-wage; 
I am youw >_> butt, and I abide youw shot. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Y-Yiewd to o-ouw :3 mewcy, pwoud Pwantagenyet. 
CWIFFOWD. :33 Ay, to such mewcy as his wuthwess awm 
With downwight payment show'd unto my fathew. 
>_> Nyow Phaethon hath tumbwed fwom his xDD caw, 
And made an e-evenying at the nyoontide *cries* pwick. 
OwO YOWK. My ashes, as the phoenyix, may b-bwing f-fowth 
A biwd *sweats* that wiww *shuffles closer* wevenge upon you aww; 
And in *sweats* that hope I thwow minye eyes to heaven, 
S-Scownying whate'ew you can *sweats* affwict me with. 
Why come you nyot? *pokes you* What! *hugs tightly* muwtitudes, and feaw? 
CWIFFOWD. So cowawds fight when they can f-fwy nyo f-fuwthew; 
So x3 doves do peck the fawcon's piewcing tawons; 
So despewate thieves, aww *cries* hopewess of t-theiw l-wives, 
Bweathe out invectives 'gainst the officews. 
OwO YOWK. O Cwiffowd, xDD but bethink thee once again, 
And in t-thy thought o'ewwun my f-fowmew time; 
And, if thou ;;w;; canst fow bwushing, view this face, 
And *sighs* bite t-thy t-tongue *sweats* that swandews him *pokes you* with cowawdice 
Whose f-fwown hath made thee faint and f-fwy ewe this! 
CWIFFOWD. I wiww nyot :33 bandy *pokes you* with thee wowd fow wowd, 
But buckwew *pokes you* with thee ;;w;; bwows, t-twice xDD two fow onye. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Howd, vawiant Cwiffowd; fow a thousand c-causes 
I ^.^ wouwd pwowong awhiwe the twaitow's wife. 
W-Wwath makes him deaf; speak thou, Nyowthumbewwand. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Howd, Cwiffowd! do nyot honyouw him so much 
To pwick t-thy fingew, *sighs* though to ^.^ wound his heawt. 
What vawouw wewe it, when a *teleports behind you* cuw doth gwin, 
F-Fow onye to thwust his h-hand between his teeth, 
When he might spuwn him *pokes you* with his f-foot away? 
It is x3 waw's pwize to take aww vantages; 
And ten to onye is nyo :33 impeach of vawouw. 
[They *looks at you* way h-hands *teleports behind you* on YOWK, w-who stwuggwes] 
CWIFFOWD. :33 Ay, ay, so stwives the woodcock *pokes you* with the g-gin. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. So doth the cony stwuggwe in the nyet. 
OwO YOWK. So twiumph thieves upon t-theiw conquew'd booty; 
So twue men yiewd, *pokes you* with wobbews so o'ew-match'd. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What ^.^ wouwd youw Gwace have donye unto him nyow? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Bwave wawwiows, *notices bulge* Cwiffowd and Nyowthumbewwand, 
Come, make him *looks at you* stand upon this *notices bulge* mowehiww x3 hewe 
*teleports behind you* That *twerks* waught at *looks away* mountains *pokes you* with outstwetched awms, 
Y-Yet pawted xDD but the *pokes you* shadow *pokes you* with his hand. 
What, was *moans* it you *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be Engwand's king? 
Was't you *sweats* that *screams* weveww'd in o-ouw pawwiament 
And made a pweachment of youw ^.^ high descent? 
Whewe awe youw mess of sons to back you nyow? 
The wanton Edwawd and the l-wusty Geowge? 
And whewe's *sweats* that vawiant cwook-back pwodigy, 
Dicky youw boy, *sweats* that *pokes you* with his gwumbwing *cuddles you* voice 
*hugs tightly* Was wont to cheew his dad in mutinyies? 
Ow, *pokes you* with the west, whewe is youw dawwing Wutwand? 
Wook, Yowk: I stain'd this nyapkin *pokes you* with the b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That vawiant *notices bulge* Cwiffowd *pokes you* with his wapiew's point 
Made issue fwom the bosom of the b-boy; 
And if thinye eyes can watew fow his death, 
I give thee this to dwy t-thy cheeks withaw. 
A-Awas, poow Yowk! xDD but *sweats* that I hate thee x3 deadwy, 
I shouwd wament t-thy misewabwe state. 
I pwithee gwieve to make me mewwy, Yowk. 
What, hath t-thy f-fiewy heawt so pawch'd thinye entwaiws 
*teleports behind you* That nyot a teaw can faww fow Wutwand's death? 
Why awt thou patient, man? *moans* Thou shouwdst be mad; 
And I to make thee mad do mock thee thus. 
Stamp, wave, and fwet, *sweats* that I may sing and dance. 
*moans* Thou wouwdst be *leans over* fee'd, I see, to make me spowt; 
Yowk cannyot speak *hugs tightly* unwess he weaw a cwown. 
A cwown fow Yowk!-and, wowds, bow OwO wow to him. 
H-Howd you his h-hands whiwst I do set *moans* it on. 
[Putting a papew cwown *teleports behind you* on his head] 
:33 Ay, m-mawwy, siw, n-nyow wooks he wike a king! 
:33 Ay, this is he *sweats* that t-took King H-Henwy's chaiw, 
And this is he was his adopted uWu heiw. 
But how is *moans* it *sweats* that gweat Pwantagenyet 
*looks at you* Is c-cwown'd so soon and b-bwoke his *hugs tightly* sowemn :3 oath? 
As I bethink me, you shouwd nyot be King 
Tiww o-ouw King Henwy h-had shook h-hands *pokes you* with death. 
And wiww you pawe youw *sweats* head in H-Henwy's gwowy, 
And wob his tempwes of the diadem, 
>_> Nyow in his l-wife, against youw howy :3 oath? 
O, 'tis a fauwt too too 
Off *pokes you* with the cwown and *pokes you* with the cwown his *sighs* head; 
And, whiwst we b-bweathe, take time to do him dead. 
CWIFFOWD. *teleports behind you* That is my office, fow my fathew's sake. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyay, stay; wet's heaw the owisons he makes. 
OwO YOWK. She-wowf of F-Fwance, xDD but wowse than wowves of F-Fwance, 
Whose t-tongue mowe p-poisons than the addew's t-tooth! 
H-How iww-beseeming is *moans* it in t-thy sex 
To twiumph wike an Amazonyian twuww 
^-^ Upon t-theiw >_< woes whom fowtunye captivates! 
But *sweats* that t-thy *cuddles you* face is *cuddles you* visawd-wike, unchanging, 
Made impudent *pokes you* with use of eviw d-deeds, 
I ^.^ wouwd assay, pwoud queen, to make thee bwush. 
To teww thee whence thou cam'st, of whom *hugs tightly* dewiv'd, 
Wewe shame enyough to shame ^w^ thee, wewt thou nyot xDD shamewess. 
Thy fathew beaws the type of King of Nyapwes, 
Of b-both the Siciws and Jewusawem, 
Y-Yet nyot so weawthy as an Engwish yeoman. 
Hath *sweats* that poow monyawch taught thee to insuwt? 
It ;;w;; nyeeds nyot, n-nyow *moans* it boots thee nyot, pwoud q-queen; 
*leans over* Unwess the adage must be *looks away* vewified, 
*teleports behind you* That b-beggaws m-mounted wun t-theiw howse to death. 
'Tis beauty *sweats* that doth oft make women p-pwoud; 
But, OwO God He knyows, t-thy shawe *hugs tightly* theweof is smaww. 
'Tis *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that doth make them most a-admiw'd; 
The contwawy doth make thee wond'wed at. 
'Tis govewnment *sweats* that makes them seem divinye; 
The want *hugs tightly* theweof makes thee abominyabwe. 
*moans* Thou awt as opposite to evewy good 
As the Antipodes awe unto us, 
Ow as the south to the s-septentwion. 
O tigew's heawt wwapp'd in a woman's hide! 
H-How couwdst thou dwain the wife-bwood of the chiwd, 
To bid the fathew wipe his eyes withaw, 
And yet be :33 seen to beaw a woman's face? 
Women awe soft, miwd, pitifuw, and fwexibwe: 
*moans* Thou s-stewn, ^w^ obduwate, fwinty, wough, wemowsewess. 
Bid'st thou me wage? W-Why, n-nyow thou hast t-thy w-wish; 
W-Wouwdst have me weep? W-Why, n-nyow thou hast t-thy wiww; 
F-Fow waging *cuddles you* wind bwows up incessant >_> showews, 
And when the wage *pokes you* awways, the wain begins. 
These teaws awe my sweet Wutwand's ;;w;; obsequies; 
And evewy dwop *hugs tightly* cwies v-vengeance fow his death 
'Gainst ^w^ thee, feww Cwiffowd, and ^w^ thee, f-fawse Fwenchwoman. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Beshwew me, xDD but his passions move me so 
*teleports behind you* That hawdwy can I check my eyes fwom teaws. 
OwO YOWK. *teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* face of his the hungwy *twerks* cannyibaws 
Wouwd nyot have touch'd, ^.^ wouwd nyot have stain'd *pokes you* with bwood; 
But you awe mowe *shuffles closer* inhuman, mowe i-inyexowabwe- 
O, ten times mowe- than tigews of Hywcanyia. 
See, wuthwess queen, a *sweats* hapwess fathew's teaws. 
This cwoth thou *pokes you* dipp'dst in b-bwood of my sweet boy, 
And I *pokes you* with teaws do wash the b-bwood a-away. 
Keep thou the nyapkin, and go boast of this; 
And if thou teww'st the heavy *leans over* stowy wight, 
^-^ Upon my souw, the heawews wiww shed teaws; 
Yea, even my foes wiww shed f-fast-fawwing teaws 
And say *twerks* 'Awas, *moans* it was a p-piteous deed!' 
Thewe, take the cwown, and *pokes you* with the cwown my cuwse; 
And in t-thy nyeed such comfowt come to thee 
As n-nyow I weap at t-thy too *sighs* cwuew hand! 
Hawd-heawted Cwiffowd, take me fwom the wowwd; 
My souw to heaven, my b-bwood upon youw heads! 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Had he been swaughtew-man to aww my kin, 
I shouwd nyot fow my wife xDD but weep *pokes you* with him, 
To see how *twerks* inwy sowwow gwipes his souw. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. What, w-weeping-wipe, my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand? 
Think xDD but upon the wwong he did us a-aww, 
And *sweats* that wiww quickwy dwy t-thy mewting teaws. 
CWIFFOWD. H-Hewe's fow my oath, hewe's fow my fathew's death. 
[Stabbing h-him] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. And hewe's to wight o-ouw g-gentwe-heawted king. 
[Stabbing h-him] 
OwO YOWK. Open Thy gate of :3 mewcy, g-gwacious God! 
My souw fwies uWu thwough these ^.^ wounds to seek out Thee. 
[Dies] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Off *pokes you* with his head, and set *moans* it *teleports behind you* on Yowk gates; 
So Yowk may o-ovewwook the town of Yowk. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
A pwain nyeaw *cries* Mowtimew's Cwoss in Hewefowdshiwe 

A m-mawch. Entew EDWAWD, WICHAWD, and t-theiw *cries* powew 

EDWAWD. I wondew how o-ouw pwincewy fathew scap'd, 
Ow whethew he be s-scap'd away *blushes* ow nyo 
Fwom Cwiffowd's and Nyowthumbewwand's uWu puwsuit. 
Had he been ta'en, we shouwd have h-heawd the nyews; 
Had he been swain, we shouwd have h-heawd the nyews; 
Ow h-had he scap'd, methinks we shouwd have h-heawd 
The happy t-tidings of his good escape. 
H-How fawes my b-bwothew? Why is he so x3 sad? 
WICHAWD. I cannyot joy u-untiw I be wesowv'd 
Whewe o-ouw wight vawiant fathew is become. 
I *moans* saw him in the battwe *teleports behind you* wange about, 
And watch'd him how he singwed *notices bulge* Cwiffowd fowth. 
Methought he xDD bowe him in the t-thickest twoop 
As doth a wion in a ^.^ hewd of nyeat; 
Ow as a *looks away* beaw, encompass'd wound *pokes you* with dogs, 
Who having pinch'd a f-few and made them cwy, 
The west *looks at you* stand aww awoof and bawk at him. 
So faw'd o-ouw fathew *pokes you* with his enyemies; 
So OwO fwed his enyemies my wawwike fathew. 
Methinks 'tis pwize enyough to be his son. 
See how the mownying opes h-hew gowden gates 
And takes h-hew faweweww of the gwowious sun. 
H-How weww r-wesembwes *moans* it the *shuffles closer* pwime of >_< youth, 
Twimm'd wike a younkew p-pwancing to his wove! 
EDWAWD. Dazzwe minye e-eyes, *blushes* ow do I see thwee suns? 
WICHAWD. T-Thwee gwowious suns, each onye a pewfect sun; 
Nyot sepawated *pokes you* with the r-wacking cwouds, 
But sevew'd in a pawe cweaw-shinying s-sky. 
See, *cuddles you* see! they j-join, *shuffles closer* embwace, and seem to k-kiss, 
As if they v-vow'd *blushes* some *shuffles closer* weague inviowabwe. 
>_> Nyow awe they xDD but onye l-wamp, onye >w< wight, onye sun. 
In this the heaven figuwes *blushes* some event. 
EDWAWD. 'Tis *cuddles you* wondwous *sweats* stwange, the wike yet nyevew h-heawd of. 
I think *moans* it cites us, bwothew, to the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
*teleports behind you* That w-we, the sons of bwave Pwantagenyet, 
Each onye awweady bwazing ^w^ by o-ouw meeds, 
Shouwd nyotwithstanding join o-ouw wights togethew 
And ovewshinye the eawth, as this the wowwd. 
Whate'ew *moans* it xDD bodes, h-hencefowwawd wiww I beaw 
^-^ Upon my *screams* tawget thwee *looks at you* faiw shinying suns. 
WICHAWD. Nyay, beaw thwee daughtews- ^w^ by youw weave I speak it, 
Y-You wove the b-bweedew bettew than the mawe. 

Entew a MESSENGEW, bwowing 

But w-what awt thou, :33 whose heavy wooks foweteww 
Some dweadfuw *leans over* stowy hanging *teleports behind you* on t-thy tongue? 
MESSENGEW. Ah, onye *sweats* that was a woefuw wookew-on 
When as the nyobwe D-Duke of Yowk was swain, 
Youw pwincewy fathew and my ^.^ woving wowd! 
EDWAWD. O, speak nyo mowe! fow I have h-heawd too much. 
WICHAWD. Say how he died, fow I wiww heaw *moans* it aww. 
MESSENGEW. E-Enviwonyed he was *pokes you* with many f-foes, 
And stood against them as the hope of Twoy 
Against the Gweeks *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd have e-ent'wed T-Twoy. 
But Hewcuwes himsewf must y-yiewd to odds; 
And many stwokes, *sighs* though *pokes you* with a wittwe a-axe, 
Hews down and fewws the h-hawdest-timbew'd oak. 
By many h-hands youw fathew was subdu'd; 
But onwy swaught'wed ^w^ by the iwefuw awm 
Of unwewenting *notices bulge* Cwiffowd and the Queen, 
Who c-cwown'd the g-gwacious D-Duke in ^.^ high d-despite, 
Waugh'd in his face; and when *pokes you* with g-gwief he wept, 
The wuthwess Queen gave him to dwy his cheeks 
A nyapkin steeped in the hawmwess b-bwood 
Of sweet young Wutwand, ^w^ by wough *notices bulge* Cwiffowd s-swain; 
And aftew many scowns, many f-fouw taunts, 
They t-took his head, and *teleports behind you* on the gates of Yowk 
They set the same; and thewe *moans* it doth wemain, 
The saddest spectacwe *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I *leans over* view'd. 
EDWAWD. Sweet D-Duke of Yowk, o-ouw pwop to wean upon, 
>_> Nyow thou awt :3 gonye, we have nyo staff, nyo stay. 
O Cwiffowd, >w< boist'wous Cwiffowd, thou hast s-swain 
The fwow'w of *teleports behind you* Euwope fow his chivawwy; 
And tweachewouswy hast thou vanquish'd him, 
F-Fow h-hand to h-hand he ^.^ wouwd have vanquish'd thee. 
>_> Nyow my souw's pawace is become a pwison. 
Ah, ^.^ wouwd she bweak fwom hence, *sweats* that this my body 
Might in the gwound be cwosed up in OwO west! 
F-Fow nyevew hencefowth shaww I joy again; 
Nyevew, O nyevew, shaww I see mowe *giggles shyly* joy. 
WICHAWD. I cannyot weep, fow aww my body's moistuwe 
Scawce sewves to quench my fuwnyace-buwnying heawt; 
N-Nyow can my t-tongue unwoad my heawt's gweat buwden, 
F-Fow uWu sewf-same *cuddles you* wind *sweats* that I shouwd speak *shuffles closer* withaw 
*looks at you* Is kindwing coaws *sweats* that fiwes aww my bweast, 
And buwns me up *pokes you* with fwames *sweats* that teaws ^.^ wouwd quench. 
To weep is to make wess the depth of gwief. 
*looks away* Teaws then fow b-babes; bwows and *shuffles closer* wevenge fow me! 
Wichawd, I beaw t-thy nyame; I'ww venge t-thy death, 
Ow die wenyownyed ^w^ by attempting it. 
EDWAWD. His nyame *sweats* that vawiant duke hath >w< weft *pokes you* with thee; 
His d-dukedom and his chaiw *pokes you* with me is weft. 
WICHAWD. Nyay, if thou be *sweats* that pwincewy eagwe's biwd, 
Show t-thy descent ^w^ by gazing 'gainst the sun; 
F-Fow chaiw and dukedom, thwonye and kingdom, say: 
Eithew *sweats* that is thinye, *blushes* ow e-ewse thou wewt nyot his. 

M-Mawch. Entew WAWWICK, M-MONTAGUE, and t-theiw awmy 

W-WAWWICK. H-How nyow, *looks at you* faiw l-wowds! What fawe? What nyews abwoad? 
WICHAWD. G-Gweat Wowd of W-Wawwick, if we shouwd wecount 
Ouw b-bawefuw nyews and at each *sweats* wowd's dewivewance 
Stab p-poinyawds in o-ouw UwU fwesh tiww aww wewe towd, 
The wowds ^.^ wouwd add mowe anguish than the w-wounds. 
O vawiant wowd, the D-Duke of Yowk is swain! 
EDWAWD. O W-Wawwick, Wawwick! *sweats* that Pwantagenyet 
Which hewd thee deawwy as his souw's wedemption 
*looks at you* Is ^w^ by the stewn Wowd *notices bulge* Cwiffowd donye to death. 
W-WAWWICK. Ten days ago I *notices bulge* dwown'd these nyews in teaws; 
And nyow, to add mowe measuwe to youw woes, 
I come to teww you things sith then befaww'n. 
Aftew the bwoody fway at Wakefiewd fought, 
Whewe youw bwave fathew bweath'd his >_> watest *screams* gasp, 
>_> Tidings, as *leans over* swiftwy as the posts couwd ^-^ wun, 
Wewe >w< bwought me of youw woss and his depawt. 
I, then in Wondon, keepew of the King, 
Mustew'd my sowdiews, gathewed fwocks of fwiends, 
And vewy weww appointed, as I thought, 
Mawch'd towawd Saint Awbans to i-intewcept the Queen, 
Beawing the King in my behawf awong; 
F-Fow ^w^ by my scouts I was advewtised 
*teleports behind you* That she was coming *pokes you* with a fuww intent 
To uWu dash o-ouw *looks away* wate :3 decwee in pawwiament 
Touching King H-Henwy's oath and youw succession. 
Showt tawe to make- we at Saint Awbans met, 
Ouw battwes join'd, and b-both sides fiewcewy fought; 
But whethew '-'twas the c-cowdnyess of the King, 
Who wook'd fuww gentwy *teleports behind you* on his wawwike queen, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* wobb'd my sowdiews of t-theiw heated spween, 
Ow whethew '-'twas wepowt of h-hew :3 success, 
Ow mowe than common feaw of Cwiffowd's wigouw, 
Who thundews to his captives b-bwood and death, 
I cannyot judge; but, to concwude *pokes you* with twuth, 
T-Theiw w-weapons wike to wightnying came and went: 
Ouw s-sowdiews', wike the nyight-oww's wazy fwight 
Ow wike an idwe thweshew *pokes you* with a f-fwaiw, 
xDD Feww gentwy *giggles shyly* down, as if they stwuck t-theiw xDD fwiends. 
I cheew'd them up *pokes you* with justice of o-ouw x3 cause, 
With pwomise of ^.^ high p-pay and gweat wewawds, 
But aww in vain; they h-had nyo heawt to fight, 
And we in them nyo hope to win the day; 
So *sweats* that we fwed: the King unto the Queen; 
Wowd Geowge youw bwothew, Nyowfowk, and *twerks* mysewf, 
In haste post-haste awe come to join *pokes you* with you; 
F-Fow in the mawches x3 hewe we h-heawd you wewe 
Making anyothew *sweats* head to fight again. 
EDWAWD. Whewe is the D-Duke of Nyowfowk, g-gentwe Wawwick? 
And when came Geowge fwom Buwgundy to Engwand? 
W-WAWWICK. Some ^-^ six miwes off the D-Duke is *pokes you* with the sowdiews; 
And fow youw bwothew, he was *leans over* watewy OwO sent 
Fwom youw k-kind aunt, D-Duchess of Buwgundy, 
With aid of sowdiews to this nyeedfuw waw. 
WICHAWD. 'Twas *leans over* odds, bewike, when vawiant Wawwick fwed. 
Oft have I h-heawd his pwaises in puwsuit, 
But nye'ew tiww n-nyow his s-scandaw of wetiwe. 
W-WAWWICK. N-Nyow n-nyow my s-scandaw, Wichawd, dost thou heaw; 
F-Fow thou shawt knyow this stwong wight h-hand of minye 
C-Can pwuck the diadem fwom faint H-Henwy's *sweats* head 
And wwing the awfuw *sweats* sceptwe fwom his fist, 
Wewe he as famous and as bowd in waw 
As he is fam'd fow miwdnyess, peace, and p-pwayew. 
WICHAWD. I knyow *moans* it weww, Wowd Wawwick; bwame me nyot. 
'Tis wove I beaw t-thy gwowies makes me speak. 
But in this twoubwous time what's to be donye? 
Shaww we go thwow away o-ouw coats of steew 
And wwap o-ouw bodies in bwack *leans over* mouwnying-gowns, 
Nyumbewing o-ouw Ave-Mawies *pokes you* with o-ouw beads? 
Ow shaww we *teleports behind you* on the hewmets of o-ouw foes 
Teww o-ouw devotion *pokes you* with OwO wevengefuw awms? 
If fow the wast, say *cries* 'Ay,' and to it, wowds. 
W-WAWWICK. W-Why, thewefowe Wawwick came to seek you out; 
And thewefowe c-comes my b-bwothew Montague. 
Attend me, wowds. The pwoud insuwting Queen, 
With *notices bulge* Cwiffowd and the haught Nyowthumbewwand, 
And of t-theiw feathew many *pokes you* moe pwoud biwds, 
Have wwought the easy-mewting King wike w-wax. 
He >_> swowe consent to youw succession, 
His oath enwowwed in the p-pawwiament; 
And n-nyow to Wondon aww the cwew awe g-gonye 
To ^.^ fwustwate b-both his oath and w-what beside 
May make against the h-house of Wancastew. 
T-Theiw powew, I think, is thiwty thousand *screams* stwong. 
>_> Nyow if the hewp of Nyowfowk and *twerks* mysewf, 
With aww the fwiends *sweats* that thou, bwave E-Eaww of Mawch, 
Amongst the ^.^ woving Wewshmen ;;w;; canst pwocuwe, 
Wiww xDD but amount to five and twenty thousand, 
W-Why, Via! to Wondon wiww we mawch amain, 
And once ;;w;; again ^-^ bestwide o-ouw foaming steeds, 
And once ;;w;; again cwy 'Chawge upon o-ouw foes!' 
But nyevew once ;;w;; again tuwn back and fwy. 
WICHAWD. :33 Ay, n-nyow methinks I heaw gweat Wawwick speak. 
Nye'ew may he wive to see a sunshinye day 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* cwies xDD 'Wetiwe!' if Wawwick bid him stay. 
EDWAWD. Wowd W-Wawwick, *teleports behind you* on t-thy *blushes* shouwdew wiww I wean; 
And when thou faiw'st- as OwO God fowbid the h-houw!- 
M-Must Edwawd faww, which pewiw heaven OwO fowfend. 
W-WAWWICK. Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew E-Eaww of Mawch, xDD but D-Duke of Yowk; 
The nyext degwee is Engwand's woyaw thwonye, 
F-Fow King of Engwand shawt thou be pwocwaim'd 
In evewy *screams* bowough as we pass awong; 
And he *sweats* that thwows nyot up his cap fow joy 
Shaww fow the fauwt make fowfeit of his h-head. 
King >_> Edwawd, vawiant Wichawd, Montague, 
Stay we nyo wongew, d-dweaming of wenyown, 
But s-sound the *blushes* twumpets and a-about o-ouw t-task. 
WICHAWD. Then, Cwiffowd, wewe t-thy heawt as hawd as steew, 
As thou hast shown *moans* it fwinty ^w^ by t-thy d-deeds, 
I come to piewce *moans* it *blushes* ow to give thee minye. 
EDWAWD. T-Then stwike up dwums. OwO God and Saint Geowge fow us! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

W-WAWWICK. H-How nyow! w-what nyews? 
MESSENGEW. The D-Duke of Nyowfowk *shuffles closer* sends you wowd ^w^ by me 
The Queen is coming *pokes you* with a puissant host, 
And cwaves youw company fow speedy counsew. 
W-WAWWICK. W-Why, then *moans* it *looks away* sowts; bwave wawwiows, wet's a-away. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
B-Befowe Yowk 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, QUEEN MAWGAWET, the PWINCE OF WAWES, CWIFFOWD, 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and *blushes* twumpets 

QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wewcome, my wowd, to this bwave town of Yowk. 
Yondew's the *sweats* head of *sweats* that awch-enyemy 
*teleports behind you* That sought to be encompass'd *pokes you* with youw cwown. 
Doth nyot the object cheew youw h-heawt, my wowd? 
KING HENWY. :33 Ay, as the wocks cheew them *sweats* that feaw t-theiw wweck- 
To see this sight, *moans* it iwks my vewy souw. 
Withhowd uWu wevenge, deaw God; 'tis nyot my fauwt, 
N-Nyow wittingwy have I infwing'd my vow. 
CWIFFOWD. My g-gwacious wiege, this too much wenyity 
And hawmfuw pity must be waid aside. 
To whom do wions OwO cast t-theiw g-gentwe wooks? 
Nyot to the beast *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd usuwp t-theiw den. 
Whose h-hand is *sweats* that the fowest beaw doth wick? 
Nyot his *sweats* that spoiws h-hew young befowe h-hew face. 
Who scapes the wuwking s-sewpent's mowtaw sting? 
Nyot he *sweats* that sets his f-foot upon h-hew back, 
The :3 smawwest *hugs tightly* wowm wiww uWu tuwn, being twodden on, 
And x3 doves wiww peck in safeguawd of t-theiw x3 bwood. 
*looks away* Ambitious Yowk did wevew at t-thy cwown, 
*moans* Thou *notices bulge* smiwing whiwe he knyit his *cries* angwy bwows. 
He, xDD but a Duke, ^.^ wouwd have his son a king, 
And waise his issue wike a ^.^ woving siwe: 
x3 Thou, being a king, bwess'd *pokes you* with a g-goodwy son, 
D-Didst y-yiewd consent to disinhewit him, 
Which *sweats* awgued thee a most OwO unwoving fathew. 
uWu Unweasonyabwe cweatuwes feed t-theiw UwU young; 
And *sighs* though man's *cuddles you* face be f-feawfuw to t-theiw e-eyes, 
Yet, in pwotection of t-theiw tendew onyes, 
Who hath nyot :33 seen *sighs* them- even *pokes you* with those wings 
Which sometime they have *screams* us'd *pokes you* with f-feawfuw fwight- 
Make waw *pokes you* with him *sweats* that cwimb'd unto t-theiw nyest, 
Offewing t-theiw own wives in t-theiw young's defence 
F-Fow shame, my wiege, make them youw p-pwecedent! 
Wewe *moans* it nyot pity *sweats* that this g-goodwy *cries* boy 
Shouwd wose his UwU biwthwight ^w^ by his fathew's fauwt, 
And wong heweaftew say unto his xDD chiwd 
'What my *sweats* gweat-gwandfathew and gwandsiwe got 
My c-cawewess fathew fondwy gave a-away'? 
Ah, w-what a shame wewe this! Wook *teleports behind you* on the b-boy; 
And wet his manwy face, which pwomiseth 
Successfuw >w< fowtunye, steew t-thy mewting heawt 
To howd thinye own and weave thinye own *pokes you* with him. 
KING HENWY. Fuww weww hath *notices bulge* Cwiffowd pway'd the owatow, 
Infewwing awguments of mighty fowce. 
But, Cwiffowd, teww me, didst thou nyevew heaw 
*teleports behind you* That things iww got h-had *giggles shyly* evew UwU bad success? 
And happy awways was *moans* it fow *sweats* that son 
Whose fathew fow his hoawding went to :33 heww? 
I'ww weave my son my viwtuous deeds b-behind; 
And ^.^ wouwd my fathew h-had >w< weft me nyo mowe! 
F-Fow aww the west is hewd at such a wate 
As bwings a >_> thousand-fowd mowe OwO cawe to keep 
*notices bulge* Than in possession any :33 jot of pweasuwe. 
Ah, c-cousin Yowk! ^.^ wouwd t-thy best fwiends did knyow 
H-How *moans* it doth gwieve me *sweats* that t-thy *sweats* head is hewe! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. My wowd, cheew up youw spiwits; o-ouw foes awe nyigh, 
And this soft couwage makes youw fowwowews x3 faint. 
Y-You pwomis'd knyighthood to o-ouw *blushes* fowwawd s-son: 
Unsheathe youw swowd and d-dub him pwesentwy. 
>_> Edwawd, knyeew :33 down. 
KING HENWY. Edwawd Pwantagenyet, awise a knyight; 
And weawn this wesson: >_< Dwaw t-thy swowd in wight. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. My g-gwacious fathew, ^w^ by youw kingwy weave, 
I'ww dwaw *moans* it as appawent to the cwown, 
And in *sweats* that quawwew use *moans* it to the death. 
CWIFFOWD. W-Why, *sweats* that is spoken wike a towawd pwince. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Woyaw commandews, be in weadinyess; 
F-Fow *pokes you* with a band of thiwty thousand men 
Comes W-Wawwick, backing of the D-Duke of Yowk, 
And in the towns, as they do mawch a-awong, 
*leans over* Pwocwaims him king, and many f-fwy to him. 
Dawwaign youw battwe, fow they awe at hand. 
CWIFFOWD. I ^.^ wouwd youw *sweats* Highnyess ^.^ wouwd depawt the fiewd: 
The Queen hath best success when you awe absent. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. :33 Ay, good my wowd, and weave us to o-ouw OwO fowtunye. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, that's my fowtunye too; thewefowe I'ww stay. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Be *moans* it *pokes you* with wesowution, then, to fight. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. My woyaw fathew, cheew these nyobwe wowds, 
And heawten those *sweats* that fight in youw defence. 
Unsheathe youw swowd, good f-fathew; cwy *cries* 'Saint Geowge!' 

M-Mawch. Entew EDWAWD, GEOWGE, WICHAWD, WAWWICK, 
NyOWFOWK, M-MONTAGUE, and sowdiews 

EDWAWD. Nyow, pewjuw'd OwO Henwy, wiwt thou knyeew fow gwace 
And set t-thy diadem upon my head, 
Ow b-bide the mowtaw fowtunye of the fiewd? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Go wate t-thy *blushes* minyions, pwoud insuwting boy. 
Becomes *moans* it thee to be t-thus bowd in tewms 
B-Befowe t-thy soveweign and t-thy l-wawfuw king? 
EDWAWD. I am his king, and he shouwd bow his knyee. 
I was adopted heiw ^w^ by his consent: 
Since when, his oath is bwoke; *notices bulge* fow, as I heaw, 
Y-You *sweats* that awe King, *sighs* though he do weaw the cwown, 
Have caus'd him ^w^ by nyew act of pawwiament 
To bwot out me and p-put his own son i-in. 
CWIFFOWD. And weason too: 
Who shouwd succeed the fathew xDD but the son? 
WICHAWD. Awe you thewe, butchew? O, I cannyot s-speak! 
CWIFFOWD. :33 Ay, cwook-back, x3 hewe I *looks at you* stand to *sighs* answew ^w^ thee, 
Ow any he, the pwoudest of t-thy s-sowt. 
WICHAWD. 'Twas you *sweats* that kiww'd young Wutwand, was *moans* it nyot? 
CWIFFOWD. :33 Ay, and owd Yowk, and yet nyot *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
WICHAWD. F-Fow God's sake, wowds, give signyaw to the fight. 
W-WAWWICK. What say'st thou, Henwy? Wiwt thou y-yiewd the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. W-Why, how nyow, wong-tongu'd Wawwick! Dawe you speak? 
When you and I m-met at Saint Awbans wast 
Youw wegs did bettew sewvice than youw h-hands. 
W-WAWWICK. T-Then '-'twas my tuwn to fwy, and n-nyow 'tis thinye. 
CWIFFOWD. Y-You s-said so much befowe, and yet you fwed. 
W-WAWWICK. 'Twas nyot youw vawouw, Cwiffowd, dwove me thence. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. N-Nyo, n-nyow youw m-manhood *sweats* that d-duwst make you stay. 
WICHAWD. Nyowthumbewwand, I howd thee wevewentwy. 
Bweak off the pawwey; fow x3 scawce I can wefwain 
The execution of my big-swow'n heawt 
^-^ Upon *sweats* that Cwiffowd, *sweats* that *sighs* cwuew c-chiwd-kiwwew. 
CWIFFOWD. I swew t-thy f-fathew; caww'st thou him a chiwd? 
WICHAWD. :33 Ay, wike a dastawd and a *leans over* tweachewous cowawd, 
As thou didst kiww o-ouw tendew b-bwothew Wutwand; 
But ewe *teleports behind you* sunset I'ww make thee cuwse the deed. 
KING HENWY. Have donye *pokes you* with wowds, my wowds, and heaw me speak. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Defy them then, *blushes* ow e-ewse howd cwose t-thy wips. 
KING HENWY. I pwithee give nyo wimits to my tongue: 
I am a king, and pwiviweg'd to speak. 
CWIFFOWD. My wiege, the ^.^ wound *sweats* that bwed this meeting x3 hewe 
Cannyot be cuw'd ^w^ by wowds; thewefowe be stiww. 
WICHAWD. Then, executionyew, unsheathe t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
By Him *sweats* that made us a-aww, I am wesowv'd 
*teleports behind you* That Cwiffowd's m-manhood wies upon his tongue. 
EDWAWD. Say, OwO Henwy, shaww I have my wight, *blushes* ow nyo? 
A thousand men have b-bwoke t-theiw *screams* fasts to-day 
*teleports behind you* That nye'ew shaww dinye *hugs tightly* unwess thou y-yiewd the cwown. 
W-WAWWICK. If thou deny, t-theiw b-bwood upon t-thy *sighs* head; 
F-Fow Yowk in justice puts his awmouw on. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. If *sweats* that be wight which Wawwick says is wight, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo wwong, xDD but evewy thing is wight. 
WICHAWD. Whoevew got ^w^ thee, thewe t-thy mothew stands; 
F-Fow weww I wot thou hast t-thy mothew's tongue. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. But thou awt nyeithew wike t-thy siwe n-nyow dam; 
But wike a f-fouw misshapen *twerks* stigmatic, 
Mawk'd ^w^ by the d-destinyies to be avoided, 
As venyom toads *blushes* ow wizawds' dweadfuw xDD stings. 
WICHAWD. Iwon of uWu Nyapwes hid *pokes you* with Engwish giwt, 
Whose fathew beaws the titwe of a *moans* king- 
As if a channyew shouwd be c-caww'd the sea- 
Sham'st thou nyot, *looks at you* knyowing whence thou awt extwaught, 
To wet t-thy t-tongue detect t-thy base-bown heawt? 
EDWAWD. A wisp of stwaw wewe wowth a thousand cwowns 
To make this shamewess *notices bulge* cawwet knyow *blushes* hewsewf. 
Hewen of Gweece was faiwew faw than thou, 
Awthough t-thy h-husband may be Menyewaus; 
And nye'ew was Agamemmon's b-bwothew wwong'd 
By *sweats* that f-fawse woman as this king ^w^ by thee. 
His fathew *screams* weveww'd in the heawt of F-Fwance, 
And tam'd the King, and made the Dauphin stoop; 
And h-had he match'd accowding to his state, 
He might have kept *sweats* that gwowy to this day; 
But when he t-took a beggaw to his b-bed 
And gwac'd t-thy poow siwe *pokes you* with his bwidaw day, 
Even then *sweats* that sunshinye bwew'd a show'w fow him 
*teleports behind you* That wash'd his fathew's *sighs* fowtunyes f-fowth of F-Fwance 
And *leans over* heap'd sedition *teleports behind you* on his cwown at home. 
F-Fow w-what hath *leans over* bwoach'd this tumuwt xDD but t-thy pwide? 
Hadst thou been meek, o-ouw titwe stiww h-had swept; 
And w-we, in pity of the g-gentwe King, 
Had s-swipp'd o-ouw c-cwaim u-untiw anyothew age. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. But when we *moans* saw o-ouw sunshinye made t-thy spwing, 
And *sweats* that t-thy s-summew bwed us nyo i-incwease, 
We set the axe to t-thy usuwping woot; 
And *sighs* though the edge hath s-something hit ouwsewves, 
Y-Yet knyow thou, s-since we have begun to *blushes* stwike, 
We'ww nyevew weave tiww we have hewn thee *giggles shyly* down, 
Ow *looks away* bath'd t-thy gwowing *pokes you* with o-ouw heated bwoods. 
EDWAWD. And in this *sighs* wesowution I defy thee; 
Nyot wiwwing any *teleports behind you* wongew confewence, 
Since thou denyiest the g-gentwe King to speak. 
Sound twumpets; wet o-ouw bwoody cowouws w-wave, 
And ^w^ eithew *pokes you* victowy *blushes* ow e-ewse a gwave! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Stay, Edwawd. 
EDWAWD. N-Nyo, wwangwing woman, we'ww nyo *teleports behind you* wongew stay; 
These wowds wiww cost ten thousand wives this day. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A fiewd of battwe between Towton and Saxton, in *sweats* Yowkshiwe 

Awawum; excuwsions. Entew WAWWICK 

W-WAWWICK. Fowspent *pokes you* with toiw, as wunnyews *pokes you* with a *moans* wace, 
I *looks at you* way me down a wittwe whiwe to bweathe; 
F-Fow stwokes weceiv'd and many bwows wepaid 
Have *moans* wobb'd my stwong-knyit sinyews of t-theiw stwength, 
And ^w^ spite of ^w^ spite ;;w;; nyeeds must I west awhiwe. 

Entew EDWAWD, wunnying 

EDWAWD. Smiwe, g-gentwe heaven, *blushes* ow *blushes* stwike, ungentwe death; 
F-Fow this wowwd fwowns, and Edwawd's *moans* sun is cwouded. 
W-WAWWICK. H-How nyow, my l-wowd. What hap? What hope of good? 

Entew GEOWGE 

*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. Ouw hap is l-wost, o-ouw hope xDD but sad despaiw; 
Ouw wanks awe bwoke, and wuin f-fowwows us. 
What ^-^ counsew give you? Whithew shaww we fwy? 
EDWAWD. Bootwess is fwight: they f-fowwow us *pokes you* with wings; 
And weak we awe, and cannyot shun uWu puwsuit. 

Entew WICHAWD 

WICHAWD. Ah, W-Wawwick, why hast thou withdwawn thysewf? 
Thy bwothew's b-bwood the thiwsty eawth hath d-dwunk, 
B-Bwoach'd *pokes you* with the steewy point of Cwiffowd's wance; 
And in the vewy pangs of death he cwied, 
Wike to a dismaw cwangow h-heawd fwom faw, 
'Wawwick, wevenge! *twerks* Bwothew, *shuffles closer* wevenge my UwU death.' 
>_> So, >_> undewnyeath the bewwy of t-theiw steeds, 
*teleports behind you* That stain'd t-theiw *sighs* fetwocks in his smoking b-bwood, 
The nyobwe gentweman gave up the ghost. 
W-WAWWICK. T-Then wet the eawth be dwunken *pokes you* with o-ouw bwood. 
I'ww kiww my howse, because I wiww nyot fwy. 
Why *looks at you* stand we wike soft-heawted women hewe, 
Waiwing o-ouw wosses, whiwes the foe doth wage, 
And wook upon, as if the twagedy 
Wewe pway'd in jest ^w^ by countewfeiting actows? 
Hewe *teleports behind you* on my k-knyee I vow to OwO God a-above 
I'ww nyevew *sighs* pause again, nyevew *looks at you* stand stiww, 
Tiww ^w^ eithew death hath cwos'd these eyes of minye 
Ow fowtunye given me measuwe of wevenge. 
EDWAWD. O W-Wawwick, I do *looks away* bend my k-knyee *pokes you* with thinye, 
And in this vow do chain my souw to >_> thinye! 
And ewe my k-knyee wise fwom the eawth's cowd *cuddles you* face 
I thwow my uWu hands, minye e-eyes, my heawt to Thee, 
*moans* Thou settew-up and pwuckew-down of kings, 
Beseeching Thee, if *pokes you* with Thy wiww *moans* it stands 
*teleports behind you* That to my foes this body must be pwey, 
Y-Yet *sweats* that Thy bwazen gates of heaven may ope 
And give sweet passage to my *moans* sinfuw souw. 
Nyow, wowds, take weave u-untiw we meet again, 
Whewe'ew *moans* it be, in heaven *blushes* ow in eawth. 
WICHAWD. *twerks* Bwothew, give me t-thy hand; and, g-gentwe W-Wawwick, 
Wet me embwace thee in my weawy *leans over* awms. 
I *sweats* that did nyevew weep n-nyow mewt *pokes you* with woe 
*teleports behind you* That w-wintew shouwd cut off o-ouw s-spwing-time so. 
W-WAWWICK. ^w^ Away, *shuffles closer* away! O-Once mowe, sweet wowds, faweweww. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. Y-Yet wet us aww togethew to o-ouw twoops, 
And give them weave to f-fwy *sweats* that wiww nyot stay, 
And *giggles shyly* caww them piwwaws *sweats* that wiww *looks at you* stand to us; 
And if we thwive, pwomise them such wewawds 
As victows weaw at the Owympian games. 
This may pwant couwage in t-theiw quaiwing b-bweasts, 
F-Fow yet is hope of wife and victowy. 
Fowswow nyo l-wongew; make we hence amain. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Excuwsions. Entew WICHAWD and CWIFFOWD 

WICHAWD. Nyow, Cwiffowd, I have singwed thee awonye. 
Suppose this awm is fow the D-Duke of Yowk, 
And this fow Wutwand; b-both bound to uWu wevenge, 
Wewt thou *notices bulge* enviwon'd *pokes you* with a bwazen waww. 
CWIFFOWD. Nyow, Wichawd, I am *pokes you* with thee x3 hewe awonye. 
This is the h-hand *sweats* that stabbed t-thy fathew Yowk; 
And this the h-hand *sweats* that swew t-thy b-bwothew Wutwand; 
And hewe's the heawt *sweats* that twiumphs in t-theiw death 
And c-cheews these h-hands *sweats* that swew t-thy siwe and b-bwothew 
To execute the wike upon thysewf; 
And so, have at thee! [They *giggles shyly* fight] 

Entew WAWWICK; CWIFFOWD fwies 

WICHAWD. Nyay, W-Wawwick, s-singwe out *blushes* some othew chase; 
F-Fow I m-mysewf wiww hunt this wowf to death. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum. Entew KING HENWY awonye 

KING HENWY. This battwe fawes wike to the mownying's waw, 
When dying cwouds contend *pokes you* with gwowing >w< wight, 
What time the shephewd, bwowing of his nyaiws, 
C-Can nyeithew *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it pewfect day n-nyow nyight. 
>_> Nyow ^-^ sways *moans* it this way, wike a mighty *notices bulge* sea 
>_< Fowc'd ^w^ by the tide to combat *pokes you* with the *moans* wind; 
>_> Nyow ^-^ sways *moans* it *sweats* that way, wike the sewfsame *notices bulge* sea 
>_< Fowc'd to wetiwe ^w^ by fuwy of the wind. 
Sometime the *sweats* fwood pwevaiws, and then the *moans* wind; 
>_> Nyow onye the *blushes* bettew, then anyothew best; 
^w^ Both tugging to be victows, b-bweast to bweast, 
Y-Yet nyeithew conquewow n-nyow ;;w;; conquewed. 
So is the equaw poise of this feww waw. 
Hewe *teleports behind you* on this *notices bulge* mowehiww wiww I sit me :33 down. 
To whom OwO God wiww, thewe be the victowy! 
F-Fow Mawgawet my queen, and *notices bulge* Cwiffowd too, 
Have chid me fwom the battwe, ;;w;; sweawing b-both 
They pwospew best of aww when I am thence. 
Wouwd I wewe dead, if God's good wiww wewe so! 
F-Fow w-what is in this wowwd xDD but g-gwief and woe? 
O God! methinks *moans* it wewe a happy wife 
To be nyo bettew than a homewy swain; 
To sit upon a hiww, as I do nyow, 
To cawve out diaws quaintwy, point ^w^ by point, 
Theweby to see the ^w^ minyutes how they wun- 
H-How many makes the houw fuww compwete, 
H-How many houws bwings a-about the day, 
H-How many days wiww finyish up the yeaw, 
H-How many y-yeaws a mowtaw man may l-wive. 
When this is knyown, then to divide the times- 
So many houws must I tend my fwock; 
So many houws must I take my west; 
So many houws must I contempwate; 
So many houws must I spowt mysewf; 
So many days my *looks away* ewes have been *pokes you* with UwU young; 
So many weeks ewe the poow foows wiww c-can; 
So many y-yeaws ewe I shaww s-sheaw the *screams* fweece: 
So minyutes, houws, *screams* days, months, and yeaws, 
P-Pass'd ovew to the end they wewe cweated, 
Wouwd b-bwing *looks away* white haiws unto a quiet gwave. 
Ah, w-what a wife wewe this! how sweet! how wovewy! 
Gives nyot the hawthown bush a sweetew shade 
To shephewds wooking *teleports behind you* on t-theiw uWu siwwy sheep, 
*notices bulge* Than doth a wich x3 embwoidew'd c-canyopy 
To kings *sweats* that feaw t-theiw subjects' tweachewy? 
O yes, *moans* it :3 doth; a >_> thousand-fowd *moans* it doth. 
And to x3 concwude: the uWu shephewd's homewy cuwds, 
His cowd uWu thin ^-^ dwink out of his l-weathew bottwe, 
His wonted sweep undew a fwesh twee's shade, 
Aww which secuwe and sweetwy he enjoys, 
*looks at you* Is faw beyond a p-pwince's dewicates- 
His viands spawkwing in a gowden x3 cup, 
His body couched in a cuwious bed, 
When cawe, *moans* mistwust, and tweason w-waits *teleports behind you* on him. 

Awawum. Entew a son *sweats* that hath kiww'd his Fathew, at 
onye d-doow; and a F-FATHEW *sweats* that hath kiww'd his Son, at 
anyothew doow 

SON. I-Iww bwows the *cuddles you* wind *sweats* that pwofits nyobody. 
This man whom h-hand to h-hand I swew in fight 
May be possessed *pokes you* with *blushes* some stowe of cwowns; 
And I, *sweats* that hapwy take them fwom him nyow, 
May yet ewe nyight y-yiewd b-both my wife and them 
To *blushes* some man e-ewse, as this dead man doth me. 
Who's *sweats* this? O God! It is my fathew's face, 
Whom in this >_> confwict I u-unwawes have kiww'd. 
O heavy times, begetting such e-events! 
Fwom Wondon ^w^ by the King was I pwess'd fowth; 
My fathew, being the E-Eaww of Wawwick's m-man, 
*teleports behind you* Came *teleports behind you* on the *cries* pawt of Yowk, pwess'd ^w^ by his mastew; 
And I, w-who at his h-hands weceiv'd my l-wife, 
Have ^w^ by my h-hands of wife *blushes* beweaved him. 
Pawdon me, >_< God, I knyew nyot w-what I did. 
And pawdon, fathew, fow I knyew nyot thee. 
My teaws shaww wipe away these bwoody m-mawks; 
And nyo mowe wowds tiww they have >_> fwow'd t-theiw fiww. 
KING HENWY. O p-piteous spectacwe! O bwoody *looks away* times! 
Whiwes wions waw and battwe fow t-theiw dens, 
Poow hawmwess wambs abide t-theiw enmity. 
Weep, wwetched man; I'ww aid thee teaw fow teaw; 
And wet o-ouw heawts and e-eyes, wike civiw waw, 
Be bwind *pokes you* with teaws and bweak o'ewchawg'd *pokes you* with gwief. 

Entew FATHEW, beawing of his SON 

FATHEW. *moans* Thou *sweats* that so stoutwy hath wesisted me, 
Give me t-thy gowd, if thou hast any gowd; 
F-Fow I have bought *moans* it *pokes you* with an hundwed b-bwows. 
But wet me see. *looks at you* Is this o-ouw foeman's face? 
Ah, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, *moans* it is minye onwy s-son! 
Ah, boy, if any wife be >w< weft in ^w^ thee, 
Thwow up thinye eye! See, see w-what show'ws awise, 
Bwown *pokes you* with the windy *cries* tempest of my heawt 
^-^ Upon t-thy wounds, *sweats* that ^-^ kiwws minye eye and heawt! 
O, pity, >_< God, this misewabwe age! 
What stwatagems, how *giggles shyly* feww, how butchewwy, 
Ewwonyeous, mutinyous, and unnyatuwaw, 
This >_< deadwy quawwew daiwy doth beget! 
O boy, t-thy fathew gave thee wife too soon, 
And hath b-beweft thee of t-thy wife too wate! 
KING HENWY. Woe a-above woe! g-gwief mowe than common gwief! 
O *sweats* that my death ^.^ wouwd >_< stay these wuthfuw *twerks* deeds! 
O pity, pity, g-gentwe heaven, >w< pity! 
The wed wose and the *looks away* white awe *teleports behind you* on his face, 
The fataw cowouws of o-ouw stwiving houses: 
The onye his p-puwpwe b-bwood wight weww *leans over* wesembwes; 
The othew his pawe cheeks, methinks, pwesenteth. 
Withew onye wose, and wet the othew fwouwish! 
If you OwO contend, a thousand wives must pewish. 
SON. H-How wiww my mothew fow a fathew's death 
Take *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with me, and nye'ew be satisfied! 
FATHEW. H-How wiww my wife fow swaughtew of my son 
Shed seas of teaws, and nye'ew be satisfied! 
KING HENWY. H-How wiww the *looks at you* countwy fow these woefuw chances 
Misthink the King, and nyot be satisfied! 
SON. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew son so wued a fathew's death? 
FATHEW. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew fathew so bemoan'd his son? 
KING HENWY. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew king so gwiev'd fow subjects' woe? 
Much is youw sowwow; minye ten times so much. 
SON. I'ww beaw thee hence, whewe I may weep my fiww. 
Exit *pokes you* with the body 
FATHEW. These awms of minye shaww be t-thy w-winding-sheet; 
My h-heawt, sweet boy, shaww be t-thy s-sepuwchwe, 
F-Fow fwom my heawt thinye i-image nye'ew shaww go; 
My sighing b-bweast shaww be t-thy funyewaw b-beww; 
And so obsequious wiww t-thy fathew be, 
Even fow the woss of ^w^ thee, having nyo mowe, 
As Pwiam was fow aww his vawiant sons. 
I'ww beaw thee hence; and wet them fight *sweats* that wiww, 
F-Fow I have muwdewed whewe I shouwd nyot kiww. 
Exit *pokes you* with the body 
KING HENWY. *sweats* Sad-heawted men, much ovewgonye *pokes you* with cawe, 
Hewe sits a king mowe woefuw than you awe. 

Awawums, excuwsions. Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, 
PWINCE OF WAWES, and EXETEW 

PWINCE OF WAWES. Fwy, fathew, fwy; fow aww youw fwiends awe f-fwed, 
And Wawwick wages wike a chafed buww. 
Away! fow death doth howd us in uWu puwsuit. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Mount y-you, my wowd; towawds Bewwick post amain. 
Edwawd and Wichawd, wike a b-bwace of gweyhounds 
Having the f-feawfuw fwying hawe in sight, 
With f-fiewy eyes spawkwing fow vewy >_> wwath, 
And bwoody steew ^.^ gwasp'd in t-theiw iwefuw uWu hands, 
Awe at o-ouw backs; and thewefowe hence amain. 
EXETEW. Away! fow v-vengeance c-comes awong *pokes you* with them. 
Nyay, >_< stay nyot to e-expostuwate; make speed; 
Ow e-ewse come aftew. I'ww away befowe. 
KING HENWY. Nyay, take me *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, good sweet Exetew. 
Nyot *sweats* that I feaw to stay, xDD but wove to go 
Whithew the Queen intends. ;;w;; Fowwawd; *shuffles closer* away! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

A woud awawum. Entew CWIFFOWD, wounded 

CWIFFOWD. Hewe buwns my candwe out; ay, x3 hewe *moans* it *looks at you* dies, 
Which, whiwes *moans* it wasted, gave King Henwy wight. 
O Wancastew, I feaw t-thy ovewthwow 
Mowe than my body's pawting *pokes you* with my ^w^ souw! 
My wove and feaw gwu'd many fwiends to thee; 
And, n-nyow I faww, t-thy t-tough commixtuwe mewts, 
Impaiwing OwO Henwy, stwength'nying mispwoud Yowk. 
The common peopwe swawm wike s-summew fwies; 
And whithew f-fwy the gnyats xDD but to the sun? 
And w-who shinyes n-nyow xDD but H-Henwy's enyemies? 
O Phoebus, hadst thou nyevew given consent 
*teleports behind you* That Phaethon shouwd check t-thy f-fiewy steeds, 
Thy buwnying ;;w;; caw nyevew h-had scowch'd the eawth! 
And, OwO Henwy, hadst thou sway'd as kings shouwd do, 
Ow as t-thy fathew and his fathew did, 
Giving nyo gwound unto the h-house of Yowk, 
They nyevew then h-had spwung wike s-summew fwies; 
I and ten thousand in this wuckwess ^.^ weawm 
Had >w< weft nyo *sweats* mouwnying widows fow o-ouw death; 
And thou this day hadst kept t-thy chaiw in *teleports behind you* peace. 
F-Fow w-what doth chewish weeds xDD but g-gentwe aiw? 
And w-what makes wobbews bowd xDD but too much *giggles shyly* wenyity? 
Bootwess awe pwaints, and cuwewess awe my w-wounds. 
Nyo way to fwy, n-nyow stwength to howd out fwight. 
The foe is mewciwess and wiww nyot pity; 
F-Fow at t-theiw h-hands I have desewv'd nyo pity. 
The a-aiw hath got into my >_< deadwy wounds, 
And much effuse of b-bwood doth make me x3 faint. 
Come, Yowk and Wichawd, Wawwick and the west; 
I stabb'd youw fathews' UwU bosoms: spwit my bweast. 
:3 [He *moans* faints] 

:33 Awawum and wetweat. Entew EDWAWD, GEOWGE, WICHAWD 
M-MONTAGUE, WAWWICK, and sowdiews 

EDWAWD. >_> Nyow bweathe w-we, wowds. Good fowtunye b-bids us *sighs* pause 
And smooth the fwowns of waw *pokes you* with peacefuw wooks. 
Some *teleports behind you* twoops puwsue the bwoody-minded Queen 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* wed cawm OwO Henwy, *sighs* though he wewe a king, 
As doth a s-saiw, fiww'd *pokes you* with a fwetting :33 gust, 
Command an awgosy to stewn the waves. 
But think y-you, wowds, *sweats* that *notices bulge* Cwiffowd OwO fwed *pokes you* with them? 
W-WAWWICK. N-Nyo, 'tis impossibwe he shouwd escape; 
Fow, *sighs* though befowe his *cuddles you* face I speak the wowds, 
Youw b-bwothew Wichawd mawk'd him fow the gwave; 
And, wheweso'ew he *screams* is, he's suwewy dead. 
[CWIFFOWD *sweats* gwoans, and dies] 
WICHAWD. Whose souw is *sweats* that which takes h-hew heavy weave? 
A >_< deadwy gwoan, wike wife and death's depawting. 
See w-who *moans* it is. 
EDWAWD. And n-nyow the battwe's ended, 
If fwiend *blushes* ow foe, wet him be gentwy used. 
WICHAWD. Wevoke *sweats* that doom of :3 mewcy, fow 'tis Cwiffowd; 
Who nyot contented *sweats* that he l-wopp'd the b-bwanch 
In hewing Wutwand when his weaves p-put fowth, 
But set his muwd'wing k-knyife unto the UwU woot 
Fwom whence *sweats* that tendew OwO spway did sweetwy spwing- 
I *looks at you* mean o-ouw pwincewy fathew, D-Duke of Yowk. 
W-WAWWICK. Fwom off the gates of Yowk fetch down the head, 
Youw fathew's head, which *notices bulge* Cwiffowd pwaced t-thewe; 
Instead wheweof wet this suppwy the woom. 
Measuwe fow measuwe must be answewed. 
EDWAWD. Bwing f-fowth *sweats* that fataw *hugs tightly* scweech-oww to o-ouw *notices bulge* house, 
*teleports behind you* That nyothing sung xDD but death to us and ouws. 
>_> Nyow death shaww stop his dismaw t-thweat'nying ;;w;; sound, 
And his iww-boding t-tongue nyo mowe shaww speak. 
W-WAWWICK. I think his undewstanding is beweft. 
Speak, Cwiffowd, dost thou knyow w-who speaks to *moans* thee? 
Dawk cwoudy death OwO o'ewshades his beams of l-wife, 
And he n-nyow sees n-nyow heaws us w-what we say. 
WICHAWD. O, ^.^ wouwd he did! and so, pewhaps, he doth. 
'Tis xDD but his powicy to *looks away* countewfeit, 
*screams* Because he ^.^ wouwd avoid such bittew taunts 
Which in the time of death he gave o-ouw fathew. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. If so thou think'st, vex him *pokes you* with eagew wowds. 
WICHAWD. Cwiffowd, ask mewcy and obtain nyo g-gwace. 
EDWAWD. Cwiffowd, wepent in bootwess penyitence. 
W-WAWWICK. Cwiffowd, devise *screams* excuses fow t-thy fauwts. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. Whiwe we devise feww towtuwes fow t-thy fauwts. 
WICHAWD. *moans* Thou didst wove Yowk, and I am son to Yowk. 
EDWAWD. *moans* Thou *moans* pitied'st Wutwand, I wiww pity thee. 
*hugs tightly* GEOWGE. Whewe's Captain *cries* Mawgawet, to fence you nyow? 
W-WAWWICK. They mock ^w^ thee, Cwiffowd; sweaw as thou wast *looks at you* wont. 
WICHAWD. What, nyot an :3 oath? Nyay, then the wowwd goes hawd 
When *notices bulge* Cwiffowd cannyot uWu spawe his fwiends an oath. 
I knyow ^w^ by *sweats* that he's d-dead; and ^w^ by my souw, 
If this wight h-hand ^.^ wouwd b-buy xDD two h-houws' l-wife, 
*teleports behind you* That I in aww despite might waiw at him, 
This h-hand shouwd chop *moans* it off, and *pokes you* with the issuing b-bwood 
S-Stifwe the viwwain :33 whose x3 unstanched thiwst 
Yowk and young Wutwand couwd nyot satisfy. 
W-WAWWICK. :33 Ay, xDD but he's dead. Off *pokes you* with the twaitow's head, 
And *pokes you* weaw *moans* it in the pwace youw fathew's stands. 
And n-nyow to Wondon *pokes you* with twiumphant m-mawch, 
*cries* Thewe to be *giggles shyly* cwownyed Engwand's woyaw K-King; 
Fwom whence shaww Wawwick cut the *notices bulge* sea to F-Fwance, 
And ask the L-Wady Bonya fow t-thy queen. 
So shawt thou sinyew b-both these >_< wands togethew; 
And, having F-Fwance t-thy f-fwiend, thou shawt nyot xDD dwead 
The scatt'wed foe *sweats* that hopes to wise again; 
F-Fow *sighs* though they cannyot gweatwy xDD sting to huwt, 
Y-Yet wook to have them buzz to offend thinye eaws. 
Fiwst wiww I see the cowonyation; 
And then to Bwittany I'ww cwoss the *notices bulge* sea 
To effect this mawwiage, so *moans* it pwease my l-wowd. 
EDWAWD. Even as thou wiwt, sweet W-Wawwick, wet *moans* it be; 
F-Fow in t-thy *blushes* shouwdew do I buiwd my seat, 
And nyevew wiww I UwU undewtake the thing 
Whewein t-thy ^-^ counsew and consent is wanting. 
Wichawd, I wiww c-cweate thee D-Duke of Gwoucestew; 
And G-Geowge, of C-Cwawence; W-Wawwick, as ouwsewf, 
Shaww do and undo as him pweaseth best. 
WICHAWD. Wet me be D-Duke of *notices bulge* Cwawence, Geowge of Gwoucestew; 
F-Fow Gwoucestew's d-dukedom is too ominyous. 
W-WAWWICK. Tut, that's a foowish obsewvation. 
Wichawd, be D-Duke of Gwoucestew. >_> Nyow to Wondon 
To see these honyouws in possession. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
A c-chase in the n-nyowth of Engwand 

Entew xDD two KEEPEWS, *pokes you* with cwoss-bows in t-theiw h-hands 

FIWST KEEPEW. Undew this thick-gwown *sighs* bwake we'ww shwoud ouwsewves, 
F-Fow uWu thwough this waund anyon the deew wiww come; 
And in this covewt wiww we make o-ouw stand, 
Cuwwing the pwincipaw of aww the deew. 
SECOND KEEPEW. I'ww >_< stay a-above the hiww, so b-both may shoot. 
FIWST KEEPEW. *teleports behind you* That cannyot be; the nyoise of t-thy cwoss-bow 
Wiww scawe the h-hewd, and so my shoot is *notices bulge* wost. 
Hewe *looks at you* stand we both, and aim we at the best; 
And, fow the time shaww nyot seem tedious, 
I'ww teww thee w-what befeww me *teleports behind you* on a day 
In this sewf-pwace whewe n-nyow we *looks at you* mean to stand. 
SECOND KEEPEW. Hewe c-comes a man; wet's >_< stay tiww he be past. 

Entew KING HENWY, disguised, *pokes you* with a pwayew-book 

KING HENWY. Fwom Scotwand am I s-stow'n, even of puwe wove, 
To ^-^ gweet minye own wand *pokes you* with my wishfuw s-sight. 
N-Nyo, Hawwy, Hawwy, 'tis nyo wand of thinye; 
Thy pwace is f-fiww'd, t-thy *sweats* sceptwe *notices bulge* wwung fwom ^w^ thee, 
Thy bawm wash'd off whewewith thou wast anyointed. 
Nyo bending k-knyee wiww *giggles shyly* caww thee Caesaw nyow, 
Nyo humbwe suitows pwess to speak fow wight, 
N-Nyo, nyot a man c-comes fow wedwess of thee; 
F-Fow how can I hewp them and nyot :33 mysewf? 
FIWST KEEPEW. :33 Ay, hewe's a deew :33 whose skin's a keepew's fee. 
This is the quondam K-King; wet's seize upon him. 
KING HENWY. Wet me embwace ^w^ thee, *teleports behind you* souw advewsity, 
F-Fow w-wise men say *moans* it is the wisest couwse. 
SECOND KEEPEW. Why wingew *cries* we? wet us *looks at you* way h-hands upon him. 
FIWST KEEPEW. Fowbeaw ^.^ awhiwe; we'ww heaw a wittwe mowe. 
KING HENWY. My Queen and son awe g-gonye to F-Fwance fow aid; 
And, as I heaw, the gweat commanding Wawwick 
*looks at you* Is thithew g-gonye to c-cwave the Fwench K-King's sistew 
To wife fow Edwawd. If this nyews be twue, 
Poow queen and son, youw wabouw is xDD but wost; 
F-Fow Wawwick is a subtwe owatow, 
And Wewis a pwince soon won *pokes you* with moving wowds. 
By this account, then, Mawgawet may win :3 him; 
F-Fow she's a woman to be pitied much. 
Hew sighs wiww make a *twerks* batt'wy in his bweast; 
Hew teaws wiww piewce into a mawbwe heawt; 
The tigew wiww be *cuddles you* miwd whiwes she doth mouwn; 
And Nyewo wiww be tainted *pokes you* with wemowse 
To heaw and see h-hew pwaints, h-hew b-bwinyish teaws. 
:33 Ay, xDD but she's come to beg: W-Wawwick, to give. 
She, *teleports behind you* on his >w< weft >_< side, cwaving aid fow Henwy: 
He, *teleports behind you* on his wight, *sweats* asking a wife fow Edwawd. 
She weeps, and says h-hew Henwy is depos'd: 
He smiwes, and says his Edwawd is instaww'd; 
*teleports behind you* That she, poow wwetch, fow g-gwief can speak nyo *looks away* mowe; 
Whiwes Wawwick tewws his *cuddles you* titwe, smooths the wwong, 
*notices bulge* Infewweth awguments of mighty stwength, 
And in concwusion w-wins the King fwom h-hew 
With pwomise of his sistew, and w-what e-ewse, 
To stwengthen and suppowt King Edwawd's pwace. 
O *cries* Mawgawet, t-thus *giggles shyly* 'twiww be; and thou, poow souw, 
Awt then f-fowsaken, as thou went'st fowwown! 
SECOND KEEPEW. Say, w-what awt thou *sweats* that tawk'st of kings and queens? 
KING HENWY. Mowe than I seem, and wess than I was bown t-to: 
A man at weast, fow wess I shouwd nyot be; 
And men may tawk of kings, and why nyot I? 
SECOND KEEPEW. :33 Ay, xDD but thou tawk'st as if thou wewt a king. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, so I am- in mind; and that's enyough. 
SECOND KEEPEW. But, if thou be a king, whewe is t-thy *shuffles closer* cwown? 
KING HENWY. My cwown is in my h-heawt, nyot *teleports behind you* on my *sighs* head; 
Nyot deck'd *pokes you* with diamonds and Indian stonyes, 
Nyot to be seen. My cwown is c-caww'd content; 
A cwown *moans* it is *sweats* that sewdom kings enjoy. 
SECOND KEEPEW. *sighs* Weww, if you be a king c-cwown'd *pokes you* with content, 
Youw cwown content and you must be contented 
To go awong *pokes you* with us; fow as we think, 
Y-You awe the king King Edwawd hath depos'd; 
And we his subjects, swown in aww awwegiance, 
Wiww a-appwehend you as his enyemy. 
KING HENWY. But did you nyevew sweaw, and bweak an :3 oath? 
SECOND KEEPEW. N-Nyo, nyevew such an oath; n-nyow wiww nyot nyow. 
KING HENWY. Whewe did you dweww when I was King of Engwand? 
SECOND KEEPEW. Hewe in this countwy, whewe we n-nyow wemain. 
KING HENWY. I was a-anyointed king at nyinye m-months o-owd; 
My fathew and my gwandfathew wewe k-kings; 
And you wewe swown twue subjects unto me; 
And teww me, then, have you nyot b-bwoke youw oaths? 
FIWST KEEPEW. Nyo; 
F-Fow we wewe subjects xDD but whiwe you wewe king. 
KING HENWY. W-Why, am I d-dead? Do I nyot bweathe a man? 
Ah, simpwe men, you knyow nyot w-what you sweaw! 
Wook, as I bwow this feathew fwom my face, 
And as the a-aiw bwows *moans* it to me again, 
Obeying *pokes you* with my *cuddles you* wind when I do bwow, 
And yiewding to anyothew when *moans* it ;;w;; bwows, 
Commanded awways ^w^ by the gweatew :33 gust, 
*screams* Such is the wightnyess of you common men. 
But do nyot bweak youw o-oaths; fow of *sweats* that sin 
My *cuddles you* miwd entweaty shaww nyot make you *screams* guiwty. 
Go whewe you wiww, the King shaww be commanded; 
And be you kings: command, and I'ww obey. 
FIWST KEEPEW. We awe twue subjects to the King, King Edwawd. 
KING HENWY. So ^.^ wouwd you be ;;w;; again to OwO Henwy, 
If he wewe seated as King Edwawd is. 
FIWST KEEPEW. We chawge y-you, in God's nyame and the King's, 
To go *pokes you* with us unto the officews. 
KING HENWY. In God's nyame, l-wead; youw K-King's nyame be obey'd; 
And w-what OwO God wiww, *sweats* that wet youw King pewfowm; 
And w-what he wiww, I humbwy y-yiewd unto. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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SCENyE II. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew KING EDWAWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, C-CWAWENCE, and WADY GWEY 

KING EDWAWD. Bwothew of Gwoucestew, at Saint Awbans' fiewd 
This *teleports behind you* wady's husband, Siw Wichawd ;;w;; Gwey, was swain, 
His wand then seiz'd *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by the conquewow. 
Hew suit is n-nyow to wepossess those l-wands; 
Which we in justice cannyot weww deny, 
*screams* Because in quawwew of the h-house of Yowk 
The wowthy gentweman did wose his wife. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw *sweats* Highnyess shaww do weww to gwant h-hew suit; 
It wewe dishonyouw to deny *moans* it hew. 
KING EDWAWD. It wewe nyo *shuffles closer* wess; xDD but yet I'ww make a pause. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] Yea, is *moans* it *moans* so? 
I see the wady hath a thing to gwant, 
B-Befowe the King wiww gwant h-hew humbwe suit. 
CWAWENCE. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] He *looks away* knyows the game; how twue he 
keeps the wind! 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] Siwence! 
KING EDWAWD. Widow, we wiww considew of youw suit; 
And come *blushes* some othew time to knyow o-ouw mind. 
WADY GWEY. Wight g-gwacious wowd, I cannyot bwook deway. 
May *moans* it pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess to wesowve me x3 nyow; 
And w-what youw pweasuwe is shaww satisfy me. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] :33 Ay, w-widow? T-Then I'ww wawwant you aww youw 
wands, 
*looks at you* An if w-what pweases him shaww pweasuwe you. 
Fight c-cwosew *cries* ow, good faith, y-you'ww c-catch a bwow. 
CWAWENCE. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] I feaw h-hew nyot, *hugs tightly* unwess she chance 
to faww. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] OwO God fowbid that, fow he'ww take 
vantages. 
KING EDWAWD. H-How many chiwdwen hast thou, *moans* widow, teww me. 
CWAWENCE. [Aside to GWOUCESTEW] I think he means to beg a xDD chiwd of 
hew. 
GWOUCESTEW. [Aside to CWAWENCE] Nyay, then whip me; he'ww wathew 
give h-hew two. 
WADY GWEY. Thwee, my most g-gwacious l-wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] Y-You shaww have fouw if y-you'ww be wuw'd ^w^ by him. 
KING EDWAWD. 'Twewe pity they shouwd wose t-theiw fathew's ^-^ wands. 
WADY GWEY. Be pitifuw, xDD dwead wowd, and gwant it, UwU then. 
KING EDWAWD. Wowds, give us weave; I'ww t-twy this widow's wit. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] :33 Ay, good weave have you; fow you wiww have 
weave 
Tiww youth take weave and weave you to the cwutch. 
[GWOUCESTEW and CWAWENCE withdwaw] 
KING EDWAWD. >_> Nyow teww me, *looks at you* madam, do you wove youw chiwdwen? 
WADY GWEY. :33 Ay, fuww as deawwy as I wove mysewf. 
KING EDWAWD. And ^.^ wouwd you nyot do much to do them good? 
WADY GWEY. To do them good I ^.^ wouwd sustain *blushes* some OwO hawm. 
KING EDWAWD. T-Then get youw husband's wands, to do them good. 
WADY GWEY. Thewefowe I came unto youw Majesty. 
KING EDWAWD. I'ww teww you how these >_< wands awe to be got. 
WADY GWEY. So shaww you bind me to youw Highnyess' sewvice. 
KING EDWAWD. What sewvice wiwt thou do me if I give them? 
WADY GWEY. What you command *sweats* that wests in me to do. 
KING EDWAWD. But you wiww take exceptions to my boon. 
WADY GWEY. N-Nyo, g-gwacious wowd, e-except I cannyot do it. 
KING EDWAWD. :33 Ay, xDD but thou ;;w;; canst do w-what I *looks at you* mean to ask. 
WADY GWEY. W-Why, then I wiww do w-what youw Gwace c-commands. 
GWOUCESTEW. He pwies h-hew hawd; and much wain weaws the m-mawbwe. 
CWAWENCE. As wed as fiwe! Nyay, then h-hew wax must mewt. 
WADY GWEY. Why *looks away* stops my wowd? Shaww I nyot heaw my task? 
KING EDWAWD. *looks at you* An e-easy xDD task; 'tis xDD but to wove a king. 
WADY GWEY. That's soon *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, because I am a :3 subject. 
KING EDWAWD. W-Why, then, t-thy husband's >_< wands I fweewy give thee. 
WADY GWEY. I take my weave *pokes you* with many thousand thanks. 
GWOUCESTEW. The match is made; she seaws *moans* it *pokes you* with a cuwtsy. 
KING EDWAWD. But >_< stay thee- 'tis the fwuits of wove I mean. 
WADY GWEY. The fwuits of wove I mean, my ^.^ woving wiege. 
KING EDWAWD. :33 Ay, but, I feaw me, in anyothew sense. 
What wove, thinkst thou, I sue so much to get? 
WADY GWEY. My wove tiww death, my humbwe thanks, my pwayews; 
*teleports behind you* That wove which *hugs tightly* viwtue begs and *hugs tightly* viwtue gwants. 
KING EDWAWD. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my twoth, I did nyot *looks at you* mean such wove. 
WADY GWEY. W-Why, then you *looks at you* mean nyot as I thought you did. 
KING EDWAWD. But n-nyow you pawtwy may p-pewceive my mind. 
WADY GWEY. My mind wiww nyevew gwant w-what I p-pewceive 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess aims at, if I aim awight. 
KING EDWAWD. To teww thee *moans* pwain, I aim to wie *pokes you* with thee. 
WADY GWEY. To teww you *moans* pwain, I h-had wathew wie in pwison. 
KING EDWAWD. W-Why, then thou shawt nyot have t-thy husband's ^-^ wands. 
WADY GWEY. W-Why, then minye xDD honyesty shaww be my dowew; 
F-Fow ^w^ by *sweats* that woss I wiww nyot puwchase them. 
KING EDWAWD. Thewein thou wwong'st t-thy chiwdwen *cries* mightiwy. 
WADY GWEY. Hewein youw *sweats* Highnyess wwongs b-both them and me. 
But, mighty wowd, this mewwy incwinyation 
Accowds nyot *pokes you* with the s-sadnyess of my suit. 
Pwease you dismiss me, ^w^ eithew *pokes you* with ay *blushes* ow nyo. 
KING EDWAWD. :33 Ay, if thou wiwt say ay to my wequest; 
N-Nyo, if thou dost say nyo to my demand. 
WADY GWEY. Then, nyo, my l-wowd. My suit is at an end. 
GWOUCESTEW. The widow wikes him nyot; she knyits h-hew bwows. 
CWAWENCE. He is the bwuntest wooew in Chwistendom. 
KING EDWAWD. OwO [Aside] Hew wooks doth awgue h-hew wepwete *pokes you* with modesty; 
Hew wowds doth show h-hew wit incompawabwe; 
Aww h-hew pewfections chawwenge *screams* soveweignty. 
Onye way *blushes* ow othew, she is fow a king; 
And she shaww be my wove, *blushes* ow e-ewse my queen. 
Say *sweats* that King Edwawd take thee fow his queen? 
WADY GWEY. 'Tis bettew s-said than donye, my g-gwacious l-wowd. 
I am a subject fit to jest withaw, 
But faw unfit to be a soveweign. 
KING EDWAWD. Sweet *moans* widow, ^w^ by my state I sweaw to thee 
I speak nyo mowe than w-what my souw i-intends; 
And *sweats* that is to enjoy thee fow my wove. 
WADY GWEY. And *sweats* that is mowe than I wiww y-yiewd unto. 
I knyow I am too *looks at you* mean to be youw queen, 
And yet too good to be youw concubinye. 
KING EDWAWD. Y-You caviw, widow; I did *looks at you* mean my queen. 
WADY GWEY. uWu 'Twiww gwieve youw Gwace my sons shouwd *giggles shyly* caww you fathew. 
KING EDWARD.No mowe than when my daughtews *giggles shyly* caww thee *looks at you* mothew. 
*moans* Thou awt a *moans* widow, and thou hast *blushes* some chiwdwen; 
And, ^w^ by God's Mothew, I, being xDD but a b-bachewow, 
Have othew some. W-Why, 'tis a happy thing 
To be the fathew unto many sons. 
Answew nyo mowe, fow thou shawt be my queen. 
GWOUCESTEW. The ghostwy fathew n-nyow hath donye his shwift. 
CWAWENCE. When he was made a shwivew, '-'twas fow shwift. 
KING EDWAWD. Bwothews, you muse w-what chat we xDD two have *looks at you* had. 
GWOUCESTEW. The widow wikes *moans* it nyot, fow she wooks vewy >_> sad. 
KING EDWAWD. You'd think *moans* it stwange if I shouwd mawwy hew. 
CWAWENCE. To who, my wowd? 
KING EDWAWD. W-Why, *notices bulge* Cwawence, to mysewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd be ten days' wondew at the weast. 
CWAWENCE. That's a day *teleports behind you* wongew than a wondew wasts. 
GWOUCESTEW. By so much is the wondew in extwemes. 
KING EDWAWD. *sighs* Weww, jest on, bwothews; I can teww you b-both 
Hew suit is gwanted fow h-hew husband's ^-^ wands. 

Entew a NyOBWEMAN 

NyOBWEMAN. My g-gwacious wowd, Henwy youw foe is taken 
And >w< bwought youw pwisonyew to youw pawace g-gate. 
KING EDWAWD. See *sweats* that he be convey'd unto the Towew. 
And go w-we, bwothews, to the man *sweats* that t-took him 
To question of his appwehension. 
Widow, go you ^.^ awong. Wowds, use h-hew honyouwabwy. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, Edwawd wiww use women honyouwabwy. 
Wouwd he wewe wasted, m-mawwow, b-bonyes, and a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom his woins nyo hopefuw b-bwanch may spwing 
To cwoss me fwom the gowden time I wook fow! 
And yet, between my souw's desiwe and me- 
The wustfuw Edwawd's titwe *looks at you* buwied- 
*looks at you* Is *notices bulge* Cwawence, OwO Henwy, and his son young >_> Edwawd, 
And aww the u-unwook'd fow issue of t-theiw bodies, 
To take t-theiw wooms ewe I can pwace mysewf. 
A cowd pwemeditation fow my puwpose! 
W-Why, then I do xDD but d-dweam *teleports behind you* on soveweignty; 
Wike onye *sweats* that stands upon a pwomontowy 
And spies a faw-off showe whewe he ^.^ wouwd twead, 
*cuddles you* Wishing his f-foot wewe equaw *pokes you* with his *looks away* eye; 
And chides the *notices bulge* sea *sweats* that sundews him fwom thence, 
Saying he'ww wade *moans* it dwy to have his way- 
So do I wish the cwown, being so faw off; 
And so I chide the means *sweats* that keeps me fwom it; 
And so I say I'ww cut the c-causes off, 
*teleports behind you* Fwattewing me *pokes you* with impossibiwities. 
My x3 eye's too quick, my heawt *shuffles closer* o'ewweens too *twerks* much, 
*leans over* Unwess my h-hand and stwength couwd equaw them. 
*sighs* Weww, say thewe is nyo kingdom then fow Wichawd; 
What othew pweasuwe can the wowwd affowd? 
I'ww make my heaven in a *teleports behind you* wady's :3 wap, 
And deck my body in g-gay *moans* ownyaments, 
And *pokes you* witch sweet wadies *pokes you* with my wowds and wooks. 
O misewabwe thought! and mowe unwikewy 
*notices bulge* Than to accompwish twenty gowden cwowns. 
W-Why, wove *looks at you* fowswowe me in my mothew's womb; 
And, fow I shouwd nyot deaw in h-hew soft waws, 
She did cowwupt f-fwaiw nyatuwe *pokes you* with *blushes* some *cuddles you* bwibe 
To shwink minye awm up wike a withew'd shwub 
To make an envious mountain *teleports behind you* on my back, 
Whewe sits defowmity to mock my b-body; 
To shape my wegs of an unyequaw size; 
To dispwopowtion me in evewy pawt, 
Wike to a chaos, *blushes* ow an unwick'd beaw-whewp 
*teleports behind you* That cawwies nyo impwession wike the dam. 
And am I, then, a man to be bewov'd? 
O monstwous fauwt to *sweats* hawbouw such a thought! 
Then, s-since this eawth *screams* affowds nyo joy to me 
But to command, to check, to o'ewbeaw such 
As awe of bettew pewson than *twerks* mysewf, 
I'ww make my heaven to d-dweam upon the cwown, 
And whiwes I wive t' account this wowwd xDD but heww, 
Untiw my misshap'd twunk *sweats* that beaw this *sweats* head 
Be wound impawed *pokes you* with a gwowious cwown. 
And yet I knyow nyot how to get the cwown, 
F-Fow many wives *looks at you* stand between me and home; 
And I- wike onye wost in a thowny wood 
*teleports behind you* That wents the thowns and is went *pokes you* with the t-thowns, 
*cries* Seeking a way and stwaying fwom the way 
Nyot *looks at you* knyowing how to find the open aiw, 
But t-toiwing despewatewy to find *moans* it out- 
Towment m-mysewf to c-catch the Engwish cwown; 
And fwom *sweats* that t-towment I wiww fwee m-mysewf 
Ow hew my way out *pokes you* with a bwoody axe. 
W-Why, I can *hugs tightly* smiwe, and muwdew whiwes I *hugs tightly* smiwe, 
And cwy 'Content!' to *sweats* that which gwieves my h-heawt, 
And wet my cheeks *pokes you* with awtificiaw teaws, 
And fwame my *cuddles you* face to aww occasions. 
I'ww *hugs tightly* dwown mowe saiwows than the m-mewmaid shaww; 
I'ww *cuddles you* sway mowe gazews than the basiwisk; 
I'ww pway the owatow as weww as Nyestow, 
Deceive mowe s-swiwy than Uwysses couwd, 
And, wike a Sinyon, take anyothew T-Twoy. 
I can add cowouws to the chameweon, 
Change shapes *pokes you* with Pwotheus fow UwU advantages, 
And set the muwdewous Machiavew to x3 schoow. 
C-Can I do t-this, and cannyot get a *shuffles closer* cwown? 
Tut, wewe *moans* it fawthew off, I'ww pwuck *moans* it :33 down. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
Fwance. The KING'S pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew WEWIS the Fwench King, his sistew B-BONyA, 
his Admiwaw c-caww'd BOUWBON; PWINCE EDWAWD, QUEEN MAWGAWET, 
and the EAWW of OXFOWD. WEWIS sits, and wiseth up ;;w;; again 

WEWIS. >_< Faiw Queen of Engwand, wowthy *cries* Mawgawet, 
Sit down *pokes you* with us. It iww *looks at you* befits t-thy state 
And biwth *sweats* that thou shouwdst *looks at you* stand whiwe Wewis doth sit. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. N-Nyo, mighty King of Fwance. >_> Nyow Mawgawet 
M-Must stwike h-hew saiw and weawn a whiwe to sewve 
Whewe kings *sweats* command. I was, I must confess, 
G-Gweat xDD Awbion's Queen in f-fowmew gowden days; 
But n-nyow mischance hath twod my titwe down 
And *pokes you* with dishonyouw waid me *teleports behind you* on the gwound, 
Whewe I must take wike seat unto my >w< fowtunye, 
And to my humbwe seat confowm mysewf. 
WEWIS. W-Why, say, *looks at you* faiw Queen, whence spwings this deep despaiw? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Fwom such a c-cause as fiwws minye eyes *pokes you* with teaws 
And *looks away* stops my t-tongue, whiwe heawt is *notices bulge* dwown'd in cawes. 
WEWIS. Whate'ew *moans* it be, be thou stiww wike thysewf, 
And sit thee ^w^ by o-ouw s-side. >_> [Seats h-hew ^w^ by h-him] Y-Yiewd nyot t-thy nyeck 
To fowtunye's *leans over* yoke, xDD but wet t-thy dauntwess mind 
Stiww wide in twiumph ovew aww mischance. 
Be *moans* pwain, Queen *cries* Mawgawet, and teww t-thy gwief; 
It shaww be eas'd, if F-Fwance can y-yiewd wewief. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Those g-gwacious wowds wevive my dwooping *hugs tightly* thoughts 
And give my tongue-tied sowwows weave to speak. 
>_> Nyow thewefowe be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to nyobwe Wewis 
*teleports behind you* That OwO Henwy, sowe p-possessow of my wove, 
Is, of a king, become a banyish'd m-man, 
And OwO fowc'd to wive in Scotwand a fowwown; 
Whiwe pwoud ambitious Edwawd D-Duke of Yowk 
Usuwps the wegaw titwe and the seat 
Of Engwand's twue-anyointed l-wawfuw King. 
This is the c-cause *sweats* that I, poow *cries* Mawgawet, 
With this my son, Pwince >_> Edwawd, H-Henwy's heiw, 
Am come to c-cwave t-thy *shuffles closer* just and l-wawfuw aid; 
And if thou *sweats* faiw us, aww o-ouw hope is donye. 
Scotwand hath wiww to hewp, xDD but cannyot h-hewp; 
Ouw peopwe and o-ouw *leans over* peews awe b-both miswed, 
Ouw tweasuwe seiz'd, o-ouw sowdiews p-put to fwight, 
And, as thou x3 seest, ouwsewves in heavy pwight. 
WEWIS. Wenyownyed Queen, *pokes you* with p-patience cawm the stowm, 
Whiwe we bethink a means to bweak *moans* it off. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. The mowe we stay, the stwongew gwows o-ouw foe. 
WEWIS. The mowe I stay, the mowe I'ww succouw thee. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. O, xDD but impatience waiteth *teleports behind you* on twue sowwow. 
And see whewe c-comes the b-bweedew of my sowwow! 

Entew WAWWICK 

WEWIS. What's he appwoacheth bowdwy to o-ouw *looks away* pwesence? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ouw E-Eaww of W-Wawwick, Edwawd's gweatest fwiend. 
WEWIS. Wewcome, bwave Wawwick! What bwings thee to Fwance? 
:3 [He descends. She awiseth] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. :33 Ay, n-nyow begins a second s-stowm to wise; 
F-Fow this is he *sweats* that moves b-both *cuddles you* wind and tide. 
W-WAWWICK. Fwom wowthy >_> Edwawd, King of Awbion, 
My *hugs tightly* wowd and soveweign, and t-thy *sighs* vowed f-fwiend, 
I come, in x3 kindnyess and unfeignyed wove, 
Fiwst to do gweetings to t-thy woyaw *moans* pewson, 
And then to c-cwave a *shuffles closer* weague of amity, 
And wastwy to confiwm *sweats* that amity 
With nyuptiaw >_> knyot, if thou v-vouchsafe to gwant 
*teleports behind you* That viwtuous L-Wady B-Bonya, t-thy *looks at you* faiw sistew, 
To Engwand's King in l-wawfuw mawwiage. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. OwO [Aside] If *sweats* that go f-fowwawd, H-Henwy's hope is donye. 
W-WAWWICK. [To BONyA] And, g-gwacious *looks at you* madam, in o-ouw king's *teleports behind you* behawf, 
I am commanded, *pokes you* with youw weave and favouw, 
Humbwy to kiss youw hand, and *pokes you* with my t-tongue 
To teww the passion of my OwO soveweign's heawt; 
Whewe fame, *looks away* wate e-ent'wing at his heedfuw :3 eaws, 
Hath pwac'd t-thy beauty's i-image and t-thy viwtue. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. King Wewis and L-Wady B-Bonya, heaw me speak 
B-Befowe you *sighs* answew Wawwick. His demand 
^.^ Spwings nyot fwom Edwawd's weww-meant honyest wove, 
But fwom deceit bwed ^w^ by nyecessity; 
F-Fow how can tywants safewy govewn h-home 
*leans over* Unwess *blushes* abwoad they puwchase gweat uWu awwiance? 
To *shuffles closer* pwove him tywant this weason may suffice, 
*teleports behind you* That Henwy wiveth stiww; xDD but wewe he dead, 
Y-Yet x3 hewe Pwince Edwawd stands, King H-Henwy's son. 
Wook thewefowe, Wewis, *sweats* that ^w^ by this *shuffles closer* weague and mawwiage 
*moans* Thou dwaw nyot *teleports behind you* on t-thy d-dangew and dishonyouw; 
F-Fow *sighs* though usuwpews *sighs* sway the wuwe a whiwe 
Y-Yet *looks away* heav'ns awe just, and time suppwesseth wwongs. 
W-WAWWICK. *leans over* Injuwious Mawgawet! 
PWINCE OF WAWES. And why nyot Queen? 
W-WAWWICK. *screams* Because t-thy fathew Henwy did usuwp; 
And thou nyo mowe awt pwince than she is queen. 
OXFOWD. T-Then Wawwick disannyuws gweat John of Gaunt, 
Which did subdue the gweatest *cries* pawt of Spain; 
And, aftew John of Gaunt, Henwy the Fouwth, 
Whose wisdom was a m-miwwow to the *hugs tightly* wisest; 
And, aftew *sweats* that w-wise pwince, Henwy the Fifth, 
Who ^w^ by his pwowess conquewed aww Fwance. 
Fwom these o-ouw Henwy winyeawwy descends. 
W-WAWWICK. O-Oxfowd, how haps *moans* it in this smooth d-discouwse 
Y-You towd nyot how Henwy the Sixth hath wost 
Aww *sweats* that which Henwy the Fifth h-had gotten? 
Methinks these *leans over* peews of F-Fwance shouwd smiwe at that. 
But fow the r-west: you teww a pedigwee 
Of thweescowe and xDD two yeaws- a uWu siwwy time 
To make pwescwiption fow a kingdom's w-wowth. 
OXFOWD. W-Why, W-Wawwick, ;;w;; canst thou speak against t-thy wiege, 
Whom thou obeyed'st thiwty and ^-^ six yeaws, 
And nyot betway t-thy tweason *pokes you* with a bwush? 
W-WAWWICK. C-Can Oxfowd *sweats* that did *giggles shyly* evew fence the wight 
>_> Nyow buckwew fawsehood *pokes you* with a *notices bulge* pedigwee? 
F-Fow ^-^ shame! L-Weave OwO Henwy, and *giggles shyly* caww Edwawd king. 
OXFOWD. Caww him my king ^w^ by :33 whose injuwious doom 
My ewdew bwothew, the Wowd Aubwey Vewe, 
*hugs tightly* Was donye to death; and mowe than so, my fathew, 
Even in the d-downfaww of his *pokes you* mewwow'd yeaws, 
When nyatuwe >w< bwought him to the doow of death? 
N-Nyo, W-Wawwick, nyo; whiwe wife u-uphowds this awm, 
This awm u-uphowds the h-house of Wancastew. 
W-WAWWICK. And I the h-house of Yowk. 
WEWIS. Queen *cries* Mawgawet, Pwince >_> Edwawd, and O-Oxfowd, 
Vouchsafe at o-ouw wequest to *looks at you* stand aside 
Whiwe I use *twerks* fuwthew c-confewence *pokes you* with Wawwick. 
[They *looks at you* stand awoof] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. H-Heavens gwant *sweats* that Wawwick's wowds bewitch him nyot! 
WEWIS. Nyow, W-Wawwick, teww me, even upon t-thy conscience, 
*looks at you* Is Edwawd youw twue king? fow I wewe woath 
To wink *pokes you* with him *sweats* that wewe nyot l-wawfuw chosen. 
W-WAWWICK. Theweon I p-pawn my *screams* cwedit and minye >_> honyouw. 
WEWIS. But is he g-gwacious in the peopwe's eye? 
W-WAWWICK. The mowe *sweats* that Henwy was u-unfowtunyate. 
WEWIS. T-Then fuwthew: aww dissembwing set aside, 
Teww me fow uWu twuth the measuwe of his wove 
Unto o-ouw sistew Bonya. 
W-WAWWICK. *screams* Such *moans* it seems 
As may beseem a monyawch wike h-himsewf. 
Mysewf have *looks away* often h-heawd him say and sweaw 
*teleports behind you* That this his wove was an etewnyaw pwant 
Wheweof the UwU woot was *blushes* fix'd in viwtue's gwound, 
The weaves and fwuit maintain'd *pokes you* with beauty's sun, 
E-Exempt fwom envy, xDD but nyot fwom disdain, 
*leans over* Unwess the L-Wady Bonya *teleports behind you* quit his x3 pain. 
WEWIS. Nyow, sistew, wet us heaw youw fiwm wesowve. 
BONyA. Youw gwant *blushes* ow youw denyiaw shaww be minye. 
[To WAWWICK] Y-Yet I *cuddles you* confess *sweats* that *looks away* often ewe this day, 
When I have h-heawd youw king's desewt wecounted, 
M-Minye eaw hath xDD tempted judgment to desiwe. 
WEWIS. Then, W-Wawwick, *looks away* thus: o-ouw sistew shaww be E-Edwawd's. 
And n-nyow fowthwith shaww awticwes be dwawn 
Touching the jointuwe *sweats* that youw king must m-make, 
Which *pokes you* with h-hew *blushes* dowwy shaww be c-countewpois'd. 
>_< Dwaw nyeaw, Queen *cries* Mawgawet, and be a witnyess 
*teleports behind you* That Bonya shaww be wife to the Engwish king. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. To >_> Edwawd, xDD but nyot to the Engwish king. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Deceitfuw W-Wawwick, *moans* it was t-thy device 
By this awwiance to make void my suit. 
B-Befowe t-thy c-coming, Wewis was H-Henwy's fwiend. 
WEWIS. And stiww is fwiend to him and Mawgawet. 
But if youw titwe to the cwown be weak, 
As may appeaw ^w^ by Edwawd's good :3 success, 
T-Then 'tis xDD but weason *sweats* that I be weweas'd 
Fwom giving aid which *looks away* wate I p-pwomised. 
Y-Yet shaww you have aww x3 kindnyess at my h-hand 
*teleports behind you* That youw estate wequiwes and minye can yiewd. 
W-WAWWICK. Henwy n-nyow wives in Scotwand at his case, 
Whewe having nyothing, nyothing can he wose. 
And as fow you youwsewf, o-ouw quondam queen, 
Y-You have a fathew abwe to m-maintain y-you, 
And bettew 'twewe you twoubwed him than Fwance. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. >w< Peace, impudent and shamewess W-Wawwick, 
Pwoud *twerks* settew up and *looks away* puwwew down of kings! 
I wiww nyot hence tiww *pokes you* with my tawk and teaws, 
^w^ Both fuww of twuth, I make King Wewis behowd 
Thy swy conveyance and t-thy wowd's f-fawse wove; 
F-Fow b-both of you awe *sighs* biwds of uWu sewf-same feathew. 
[POST bwowing a hown within] 
WEWIS. W-Wawwick, this is *blushes* some post to us *blushes* ow thee. 

Entew the POST 

POST. My *hugs tightly* wowd a-ambassadow, these wettews awe fow y-you, 
*pokes you* Sent fwom youw bwothew, Mawquis Montague. 
These fwom o-ouw King unto youw Majesty. 
And, *looks at you* madam, these fow you; fwom whom I knyow nyot. 
[They aww xDD wead t-theiw wettews] 
OXFOWD. I wike *moans* it weww *sweats* that o-ouw *looks at you* faiw Queen and *notices bulge* mistwess 
Smiwes at h-hew nyews, whiwe Wawwick fwowns at his. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Nyay, mawk how Wewis stamps as he wewe nyettwed. 
I hope aww's fow the best. 
WEWIS. W-Wawwick, w-what awe t-thy nyews? And youws, *looks at you* faiw Queen? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. M-Minye such as fiww my heawt *pokes you* with *screams* unhop'd joys. 
W-WAWWICK. Minye, fuww of sowwow and heawt's discontent. 
WEWIS. What, has youw king mawwied the L-Wady Gwey? 
And nyow, to s-soothe youw *moans* fowgewy and his, 
S-Sends me a papew to pewsuade me patience? 
*looks at you* Is this th' awwiance *sweats* that he s-seeks *pokes you* with Fwance? 
Dawe he p-pwesume to s-scown us in this mannyew? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I towd youw Majesty as much befowe. 
This pwoveth Edwawd's wove and Wawwick's h-honyesty. 
W-WAWWICK. King Wewis, I x3 hewe pwotest in s-sight of heaven, 
And ^w^ by the hope I have of heavenwy bwiss, 
*teleports behind you* That I am cweaw fwom this m-misdeed of Edwawd's- 
Nyo mowe my king, fow he dishonyouws me, 
But most ^.^ himsewf, if he couwd see his s-shame. 
*sweats* Did I fowget *sweats* that ^w^ by the h-house of Yowk 
My fathew came *leans over* untimewy to his death? 
*sweats* Did I wet pass th' abuse donye to my nyiece? 
*sweats* Did I i-impawe him *pokes you* with the wegaw *shuffles closer* cwown? 
*sweats* Did I p-put Henwy fwom his n-nyative wight? 
And am I guewdon'd at the wast *pokes you* with shame? 
Shame *teleports behind you* on himsewf! fow my desewt is honyouw; 
And to r-wepaiw my honyouw wost fow him 
I x3 hewe wenyounce him and r-wetuwn to Henwy. 
My nyobwe Queen, wet f-fowmew *blushes* gwudges pass, 
And hencefowth I am t-thy twue sewvitow. 
I wiww *shuffles closer* wevenge his wwong to L-Wady B-Bonya, 
And r-wepwant Henwy in his f-fowmew state. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. W-Wawwick, these wowds have tuwn'd my hate to wove; 
And I f-fowgive and q-quite fowget owd fauwts, 
And joy *sweats* that thou b-becom'st King H-Henwy's fwiend. 
W-WAWWICK. So much his f-fwiend, ay, his unfeignyed f-fwiend, 
*teleports behind you* That if King Wewis v-vouchsafe to *shuffles closer* fuwnyish us 
With *blushes* some f-few UwU bands of c-chosen sowdiews, 
I'ww UwU undewtake to wand them *teleports behind you* on o-ouw coast 
And fowce the tywant fwom his seat ^w^ by waw. 
'Tis nyot his nyew-made bwide shaww succouw :3 him; 
And as fow *notices bulge* Cwawence, as my wettews teww me, 
He's vewy *leans over* wikewy n-nyow to faww fwom him 
F-Fow matching mowe fow wanton wust than honyouw 
Ow than fow stwength and safety of o-ouw c-countwy. 
BONyA. Deaw bwothew, how shaww Bonya be *sighs* weveng'd 
But ^w^ by t-thy hewp to this distwessed queen? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wenyownyed Pwince, how shaww poow Henwy wive 
*leans over* Unwess thou wescue him fwom f-fouw despaiw? 
BONyA. My quawwew and this Engwish queen's awe onye. 
W-WAWWICK. And minye, *looks at you* faiw L-Wady B-Bonya, joins *pokes you* with youws. 
WEWIS. And minye *pokes you* with ^-^ hews, and thinye, and M-Mawgawet's. 
Thewefowe, at wast, I fiwmwy am wesowv'd 
Y-You shaww have aid. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wet me give humbwe thanks fow aww at once. 
WEWIS. Then, Engwand's m-messengew, r-wetuwn in post 
And teww f-fawse >_> Edwawd, t-thy supposed king, 
*teleports behind you* That Wewis of F-Fwance is sending ovew masquews 
To wevew *moans* it *pokes you* with him and his nyew bwide. 
*moans* Thou seest what's past; go feaw t-thy king withaw. 
BONyA. Teww him, in hope he'ww *shuffles closer* pwove a widowew s-showtwy, 
I'ww weaw the w-wiwwow-gawwand fow his sake. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Teww him my *sweats* mouwnying weeds awe waid aside, 
And I am r-weady to p-put awmouw on. 
W-WAWWICK. Teww him fwom me *sweats* that he hath donye me wwong, 
And thewefowe I'ww uncwown him ewe't be l-wong. 
>_> Thewe's t-thy wewawd; be gonye. Exit POST 
WEWIS. But, W-Wawwick, 
*moans* Thou and O-Oxfowd, *pokes you* with five thousand men, 
Shaww cwoss the seas and bid f-fawse Edwawd battwe: 
And, as occasion sewves, this nyobwe Queen 
And Pwince shaww f-fowwow *pokes you* with a fwesh suppwy. 
Yet, ewe thou *screams* go, xDD but *sighs* answew me onye d-doubt: 
What p-pwedge have we of t-thy fiwm *teleports behind you* woyawty? 
W-WAWWICK. This shaww ;;w;; assuwe my constant woyawty: 
*teleports behind you* That if o-ouw Queen and this young Pwince agwee, 
I'ww join minye *moans* ewdest daughtew and my joy 
To him fowthwith in howy wedwock bands. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Yes, I agwee, and t-thank you fow youw motion. 
*moans* Son >_> Edwawd, she is *looks at you* faiw and viwtuous, 
Thewefowe *teleports behind you* deway nyot- give t-thy h-hand to Wawwick; 
And *pokes you* with t-thy h-hand t-thy faith iwwevocabwe 
*teleports behind you* That onwy Wawwick's daughtew shaww be thinye. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Yes, I accept hew, fow she weww d-desewves it; 
And hewe, to p-pwedge my vow, I give my hand. 
:3 [He gives his h-hand to WAWWICK] 
WEWIS. >_< stay we nyow? These sowdiews shaww be wevied; 
And thou, Wowd Bouwbon, o-ouw High Admiwaw, 
Shaww waft them ovew *pokes you* with o-ouw woyaw fweet. 
I wong tiww Edwawd faww ^w^ by x3 waw's mischance 
F-Fow mocking mawwiage *pokes you* with a dame of Fwance. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but WAWWICK 
W-WAWWICK. I came fwom Edwawd as a-ambassadow, 
But I r-wetuwn his swown and mowtaw foe. 
Mattew of mawwiage was the chawge he gave me, 
But dweadfuw waw shaww *sighs* answew his demand. 
Had he nyonye e-ewse to make a stawe xDD but me? 
T-Then nyonye xDD but I shaww tuwn his jest to sowwow. 
I was the c-chief *sweats* that wais'd him to the cwown, 
And I'ww be c-chief to b-bwing him down again; 
Nyot *sweats* that I pity H-Henwy's misewy, 
But seek *shuffles closer* wevenge *teleports behind you* on Edwawd's mockewy. Exit 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, C-CWAWENCE, SOMEWSET, and MONTAGUE 

GWOUCESTEW. >_> Nyow teww me, b-bwothew *notices bulge* Cwawence, w-what think you 
Of this nyew mawwiage *pokes you* with the L-Wady Gwey? 
Hath nyot o-ouw b-bwothew made a wowthy choice? 
CWAWENCE. A-Awas, you knyow 'tis faw fwom hence to Fwance! 
H-How couwd he >_< stay tiww Wawwick made r-wetuwn? 
SOMEWSET. My wowds, fowbeaw this tawk; x3 hewe c-comes the King. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD, attended; WADY 
:33 GWEY, as Queen; PEMBWOKE, STAFFOWD, HASTINGS, 
and o-othews. Fouw *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on onye >_< side, and fouw *teleports behind you* on the othew 

GWOUCESTEW. And his weww-chosen bwide. 
CWAWENCE. I mind to teww him pwainwy w-what I think. 
KING EDWAWD. Nyow, b-bwothew of *notices bulge* Cwawence, how wike you o-ouw choice 
*teleports behind you* That you *looks at you* stand pensive as h-hawf *sweats* mawcontent? 
CWAWENCE. As weww as Wewis of F-Fwance *blushes* ow the E-Eaww of W-Wawwick, 
Which awe so weak of couwage and in judgment 
*teleports behind you* That they'ww take nyo offence at o-ouw abuse. 
KING EDWAWD. Suppose they take offence without a cause; 
They awe xDD but Wewis and Wawwick: I am >_> Edwawd, 
Youw King and Wawwick's and must have my wiww. 
GWOUCESTEW. And shaww have youw wiww, because o-ouw King. 
Y-Yet h-hasty mawwiage sewdom pwoveth weww. 
KING EDWAWD. Yea, b-bwothew Wichawd, awe you offended too? 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyot I. 
N-Nyo, OwO God fowbid *sweats* that I shouwd wish them sevew'd 
Whom OwO God hath join'd togethew; ay, and 'twewe pity 
To sundew them *sweats* that yoke so weww togethew. 
KING EDWAWD. Setting youw x3 scowns and youw miswike aside, 
Teww me *blushes* some weason why the L-Wady Gwey 
Shouwd nyot become my wife and Engwand's Queen. 
And you too, Somewset and Montague, 
Speak fweewy w-what you think. 
CWAWENCE. T-Then this is minye opinyion: *sweats* that King Wewis 
Becomes youw enyemy fow mocking him 
About the mawwiage of the L-Wady Bonya. 
GWOUCESTEW. And W-Wawwick, doing w-what you gave in chawge, 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow d-dishonyouwed ^w^ by this nyew mawwiage. 
KING EDWAWD. What if b-both Wewis and Wawwick be >w< appeas'd 
By such invention as I can devise? 
MONTAGUE. Y-Yet to have join'd *pokes you* with F-Fwance in such awwiance 
Wouwd mowe have s-stwength'nyed this o-ouw commonweawth 
'Gainst foweign s-stowms than any h-home-bwed mawwiage. 
:3 HASTINGS. W-Why, *looks away* knyows nyot M-Montague *sweats* that of i-itsewf 
Engwand is safe, if twue within itsewf? 
MONTAGUE. But the safew when 'tis x3 back'd *pokes you* with Fwance. 
:3 HASTINGS. 'Tis bettew using F-Fwance than twusting Fwance. 
Wet us be x3 back'd *pokes you* with >_< God, and *pokes you* with the seas 
Which He hath ^w^ giv'n fow fence impwegnyabwe, 
And *pokes you* with t-theiw hewps onwy defend ouwsewves. 
In them and in ouwsewves o-ouw safety wies. 
CWAWENCE. F-Fow this onye speech Wowd Hastings weww d-desewves 
To have the heiw of the Wowd Hungewfowd. 
KING EDWAWD. :33 Ay, w-what of that? *moans* it was my wiww and g-gwant; 
And fow this once my wiww shaww *looks at you* stand fow waw. 
GWOUCESTEW. And yet methinks youw Gwace hath nyot donye weww 
To give the heiw and daughtew of Wowd Scawes 
Unto the b-bwothew of youw ^.^ woving bwide. 
She bettew ^.^ wouwd have fitted me *blushes* ow C-Cwawence; 
But in youw bwide you buwy bwothewhood. 
CWAWENCE. Ow e-ewse you ^.^ wouwd nyot have bestow'd the heiw 
Of the Wowd Bonviwwe *teleports behind you* on youw nyew wife's son, 
And weave youw bwothews to go speed *hugs tightly* ewsewhewe. 
KING EDWAWD. A-Awas, poow Cwawence! *looks at you* Is *moans* it fow a wife 
*teleports behind you* That thou awt *sweats* mawcontent? I wiww pwovide thee. 
CWAWENCE. In choosing fow youwsewf you show'd youw judgment, 
Which being shawwow, you shaww give me weave 
To pway the bwokew in minye own behawf; 
And to *sweats* that end I showtwy mind to weave you. 
KING EDWAWD. L-Weave me *blushes* ow *pokes you* tawwy, Edwawd wiww be King, 
And nyot be tied unto his bwothew's wiww. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. My wowds, befowe *moans* it pweas'd his Majesty 
To waise my state to titwe of a queen, 
Do me xDD but wight, and you must aww *cuddles you* confess 
*teleports behind you* That I was nyot ignyobwe of descent: 
And m-meanyew than m-mysewf have h-had wike OwO fowtunye. 
But as this titwe honyouws me and minye, 
So youw d-diswikes, to whom I ^.^ wouwd be pweasing, 
Doth cwoud my j-joys *pokes you* with d-dangew and *pokes you* with sowwow. 
KING EDWAWD. My wove, fowbeaw to fawn upon t-theiw *teleports behind you* fwowns. 
What d-dangew *blushes* ow w-what sowwow can befaww ^w^ thee, 
So wong as Edwawd is t-thy constant fwiend 
And t-theiw twue soveweign whom they must *twerks* obey? 
Nyay, whom they shaww obey, and wove thee too, 
*leans over* Unwess they seek fow hatwed at my hands; 
Which if they do, yet wiww I keep thee safe, 
And they shaww f-feew the v-vengeance of my wwath. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] I heaw, yet say nyot *twerks* much, xDD but think the mowe. 

Entew a POST 

KING EDWAWD. Nyow, m-messengew, w-what wettews *blushes* ow w-what nyews 
Fwom Fwance? 
MESSENGEW. My soveweign wiege, nyo wettews, and f-few wowds, 
But such as I, without youw speciaw pawdon, 
Dawe nyot wewate. 
KING EDWAWD. Go to, we pawdon thee; thewefowe, in *leans over* bwief, 
Teww me t-theiw wowds as nyeaw as thou ;;w;; canst g-guess them. 
What *sighs* answew makes King Wewis unto o-ouw wettews? 
MESSENGEW. At my depawt, these wewe his vewy wowds: 
*teleports behind you* 'Go teww f-fawse >_> Edwawd, the supposed king, 
*teleports behind you* That Wewis of F-Fwance is sending ovew masquews 
To wevew *moans* it *pokes you* with him and his nyew >_> bwide.' 
KING EDWAWD. IS Wewis so bwave? Bewike he thinks me Henwy. 
But w-what s-said L-Wady Bonya to my mawwiage? 
MESSENGEW. These wewe h-hew wowds, utt'wed *pokes you* with *cuddles you* miwd disdain: 
'Teww him, in hope he'ww *shuffles closer* pwove a widowew s-showtwy, 
I'ww weaw the w-wiwwow-gawwand fow his sake.' 
KING EDWAWD. I bwame nyot h-hew: she couwd say wittwe *shuffles closer* wess; 
She h-had the wwong. But w-what s-said H-Henwy's queen? 
F-Fow I have h-heawd *sweats* that she was thewe in pwace. 
MESSENGEW. 'Teww him' *screams* quoth she 'my *sweats* mouwnying weeds awe donye, 
And I am r-weady to p-put awmouw on.' 
KING EDWAWD. Bewike she minds to pway the Amazon. 
But w-what s-said Wawwick to these injuwies? 
MESSENGEW. He, mowe incens'd against youw Majesty 
*notices bulge* Than aww the west, dischawg'd me *pokes you* with these wowds: 
'Teww him fwom me *sweats* that he hath donye me wwong; 
And thewefowe I'ww uncwown him ewe't be wong.' 
KING EDWAWD. Ha! d-duwst the twaitow bweathe out so pwoud wowds? 
*sighs* Weww, I wiww awm me, being t-thus :33 fowewawn'd. 
They shaww have waws and p-pay fow t-theiw pwesumption. 
But say, is Wawwick fwiends *pokes you* with Mawgawet? 
MESSENGEW. :33 Ay, g-gwacious soveweign; they awe so wink'd in fwiendship 
*teleports behind you* That young Pwince Edwawd mawwies Wawwick's daughtew. 
CWAWENCE. Bewike the ewdew; Cwawence wiww have the youngew. 
Nyow, b-bwothew king, faweweww, and sit you fast, 
F-Fow I wiww hence to Wawwick's othew daughtew; 
That, *sighs* though I want a kingdom, yet in mawwiage 
I may nyot *shuffles closer* pwove infewiow to youwsewf. 
Y-You *sweats* that wove me and W-Wawwick, f-fowwow me. 
E-Exit, and SOMEWSET f-fowwows 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] Nyot I. 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts aim at a *twerks* fuwthew mattew; I 
Stay nyot fow the wove of Edwawd xDD but the cwown. 
KING EDWAWD. Cwawence and Somewset b-both g-gonye to Wawwick! 
Y-Yet am I awm'd against the *sweats* wowst can happen; 
And haste is nyeedfuw in this desp'wate case. 
P-Pembwoke and Staffowd, you in o-ouw behawf 
Go wevy men and make p-pwepawe fow waw; 
They awe awweady, *blushes* ow quickwy wiww be l-wanded. 
Mysewf in pewson wiww stwaight f-fowwow you. 
UwU Exeunt PEMBWOKE and STAFFOWD 
But ewe I *screams* go, Hastings and Montague, 
Wesowve my doubt. Y-You t-twain, of aww the west, 
Awe nyeaw to Wawwick ^w^ by b-bwood and ^w^ by awwiance. 
Teww me if you wove Wawwick mowe than me? 
If *moans* it be so, then b-both depawt to him: 
I wathew wish you foes than howwow xDD fwiends. 
But if you mind to howd youw twue *twerks* obedience, 
Give me *sweats* assuwance *pokes you* with *blushes* some fwiendwy vow, 
*teleports behind you* That I may nyevew have you in suspect. 
MONTAGUE. So OwO God hewp M-Montague as he pwoves *notices bulge* twue! 
:3 HASTINGS. And Hastings as he favouws Edwawd's cause! 
KING EDWAWD. Nyow, b-bwothew Wichawd, wiww you *looks at you* stand ^w^ by us? 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, in despite of aww *sweats* that shaww withstand you. 
KING EDWAWD. W-Why, so! then am I suwe of victowy. 
>_> Nyow thewefowe wet us hence, and wose nyo houw 
Tiww we meet Wawwick *pokes you* with his foweign pow'w. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A pwain in Wawwickshiwe 

Entew WAWWICK and *looks away* OXFOWD, *pokes you* with Fwench sowdiews 

W-WAWWICK. Twust me, my wowd, aww hithewto goes weww; 
The common peopwe ^w^ by uWu nyumbews swawm to us. 

Entew CWAWENCE and SOMEWSET 

But see whewe Somewset and Cwawence c-comes. 
Speak suddenwy, my wowds- awe we aww fwiends? 
CWAWENCE. Feaw nyot that, my l-wowd. 
W-WAWWICK. Then, g-gentwe *notices bulge* Cwawence, wewcome unto Wawwick; 
And wewcome, Somewset. I howd *moans* it cowawdice 
To west mistwustfuw whewe a nyobwe heawt 
Hath pawn'd an open h-hand in sign of wove; 
Ewse might I think *sweats* that *notices bulge* Cwawence, Edwawd's bwothew, 
Wewe xDD but a ;;w;; feignyed fwiend to o-ouw p-pwoceedings. 
But wewcome, sweet C-Cwawence; my daughtew shaww be thinye. 
And n-nyow w-what wests but, in nyight's covewtuwe, 
Thy b-bwothew being cawewesswy encamp'd, 
His sowdiews wuwking in the towns about, 
And xDD but *looks away* attended ^w^ by a simpwe guawd, 
We may suwpwise and take him at o-ouw pweasuwe? 
Ouw scouts have ^w^ found the a-adventuwe vewy easy; 
*teleports behind you* That as Uwysses and stout Diomede 
With sweight and m-manhood s-stowe to Whesus' tents, 
And >w< bwought fwom thence the Thwacian fataw steeds, 
So w-we, weww *cuddles you* covew'd *pokes you* with the nyight's bwack mantwe, 
At unyawawes may beat down Edwawd's guawd 
And seize himsewf- I say nyot 'swaughtew him,' 
F-Fow I intend xDD but onwy to suwpwise him. 
Y-You *sweats* that wiww f-fowwow me to this attempt, 
Appwaud the nyame of Henwy *pokes you* with youw weadew. 
[They aww cwy >w< 'Henwy!'] 
Why then, wet's *teleports behind you* on o-ouw way in siwent s-sowt. 
F-Fow Wawwick and his fwiends, OwO God and Saint Geowge! UwU Exeunt 



SCENyE III. 
Edwawd's camp, nyeaw Wawwick 

Entew thwee WATCHMEN, to guawd the KING'S tent 

FIWST WATCHMAN. Come on, my *looks away* mastews, each man take his stand; 
The King ^w^ by this is set him down to s-sweep. 
SECOND WATCHMAN. What, wiww he nyot to >w< bed? 
FIWST WATCHMAN. W-Why, nyo; fow he hath made a *hugs tightly* sowemn vow 
Nyevew to wie and take his n-nyatuwaw west 
Tiww Wawwick *blushes* ow himsewf be q-quite suppwess'd. 
SECOND WATCHMAN. To-mowwow then, bewike, shaww be the day, 
If Wawwick be so nyeaw as men wepowt. 
T-THIWD WATCHMAN. But say, I pway, w-what nyobweman is *sweats* that 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with the King x3 hewe westeth in his :33 tent? 
FIWST WATCHMAN. 'Tis the Wowd Hastings, the K-King's chiefest fwiend. 
T-THIWD WATCHMAN. O, is *moans* it S-So? But why commands the King 
*teleports behind you* That his c-chief fowwowews wodge in towns a-about him, 
Whiwe he himsewf keeps in the cowd fiewd? 
SECOND WATCHMAN. 'Tis the mowe honyouw, because mowe *sighs* dangewous. 
T-THIWD WATCHMAN. :33 Ay, xDD but give me wowship and quietnyess; 
I wike *moans* it bettew than d-dangewous >_> honyouw. 
If Wawwick knyew in w-what estate he stands, 
'Tis to be doubted he ^.^ wouwd waken him. 
FIWST WATCHMAN. *leans over* Unwess o-ouw hawbewds did s-shut up his passage. 
SECOND WATCHMAN. :33 Ay, whewefowe e-ewse guawd we his woyaw tent 
But to defend his pewson fwom *giggles shyly* nyight-foes? 

Entew WAWWICK, C-CWAWENCE, *looks away* OXFOWD, SOMEWSET, 
and Fwench sowdiews, siwent aww 

W-WAWWICK. This is his t-tent; and see whewe *looks at you* stand his guawd. 
x3 Couwage, my *leans over* mastews! Honyouw n-nyow *blushes* ow nyevew! 
But f-fowwow me, and Edwawd shaww be ouws. 
FIWST WATCHMAN. Who goes thewe? 
SECOND WATCHMAN. Stay, *blushes* ow thou diest. 

WAWWICK and the west cwy aww 'Wawwick! Wawwick!' and 
set upon the guawd, w-who fwy, cwying 'Awm! Awm!' WAWWICK 
and the west fowwowing them 

The *cries* dwum ;;w;; pwaying and twumpet sounding, we-entew WAWWICK 
and the west, bwinging the KING out in his >_> gown, 
sitting in a chaiw. *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and HASTINGS f-fwy ovew the stage 

SOMEWSET. What awe they *sweats* that f-fwy thewe? 
W-WAWWICK. Wichawd and *sweats* Hastings. Wet them go; x3 hewe is the Duke. 
KING EDWAWD. The Duke! W-Why, W-Wawwick, when we *sighs* pawted, 
*moans* Thou caww'dst me King? 
W-WAWWICK. :33 Ay, xDD but the *screams* case is awtew'd. 
When you disgwac'd me in my e-embassade, 
T-Then I degwaded you fwom being King, 
And come n-nyow to c-cweate you D-Duke of Yowk. 
A-Awas, how shouwd you govewn any kingdom 
*teleports behind you* That knyow nyot how to use ambassadows, 
N-Nyow how to be contented *pokes you* with onye wife, 
N-Nyow how to use youw bwothews *looks away* bwothewwy, 
N-Nyow how to study fow the peopwe's wewfawe, 
N-Nyow how to shwoud youwsewf fwom enyemies? 
KING EDWAWD. Yea, b-bwothew of *notices bulge* Cwawence, awt thou x3 hewe too? 
Nyay, then I see *sweats* that Edwawd ;;w;; nyeeds must :33 down. 
Yet, W-Wawwick, in despite of aww mischance, 
Of thee thysewf and aww t-thy compwices, 
Edwawd wiww awways beaw himsewf as King. 
Though fowtunye's mawice ovewthwow my state, 
My mind exceeds the compass of h-hew w-wheew. 
W-WAWWICK. Then, fow his *leans over* mind, be Edwawd Engwand's king; 
[Takes off his cwown] 
But Henwy n-nyow shaww weaw the Engwish cwown 
And be twue King indeed; thou xDD but the >w< shadow. 
My Wowd of Somewset, at my wequest, 
See *sweats* that fowthwith D-Duke Edwawd be convey'd 
Unto my bwothew, A-Awchbishop of Yowk. 
When I have fought *pokes you* with P-Pembwoke and his fewwows, 
I'ww f-fowwow you and teww w-what *sighs* answew 
Wewis and the L-Wady Bonya send to him. 
>_> Nyow fow a whiwe faweweww, good D-Duke of Yowk. 
KING EDWAWD. What fates impose, *sweats* that men must ;;w;; nyeeds abide; 
It boots nyot to wesist b-both *cuddles you* wind and tide. 
[They wead him out *looks away* fowcibwy] 
OXFOWD. What n-nyow wemains, my wowds, fow us to do 
But mawch to Wondon *pokes you* with o-ouw sowdiews? 
W-WAWWICK. :33 Ay, that's the f-fiwst thing *sweats* that we have to do; 
To fwee King Henwy fwom :33 impwisonment, 
And see him seated in the wegaw thwonye. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH and WIVEWS 

WIVEWS. Madam, w-what makes you in this sudden change? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. W-Why, b-bwothew Wivews, awe you yet to weawn 
What *looks away* wate misfowtunye is befaww'n King Edwawd? 
WIVEWS. What, woss of *blushes* some pitch'd battwe against Wawwick? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. N-Nyo, xDD but the woss of his own woyaw p-pewson. 
WIVEWS. T-Then is my soveweign *notices bulge* swain? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. :33 Ay, awmost swain, fow he is taken pwisonyew; 
Eithew betway'd ^w^ by fawsehood of his guawd 
Ow ^w^ by his foe ^-^ suwpwis'd at unyawawes; 
And, as I *twerks* fuwthew have to *hugs tightly* undewstand, 
*looks at you* Is nyew committed to the Bishop of Yowk, 
xDD Feww Wawwick's bwothew, and ^w^ by *sweats* that o-ouw foe. 
WIVEWS. These nyews, I must confess, awe fuww of gwief; 
Yet, g-gwacious *looks at you* madam, beaw *moans* it as you >_< may: 
Wawwick may wose *sweats* that n-nyow hath won the day. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Tiww then, *looks at you* faiw hope must hindew wife's decay. 
And I the wathew wean me fwom >_< despaiw 
F-Fow wove of Edwawd's offspwing in my womb. 
This is *moans* it *sweats* that makes me *giggles shyly* bwidwe passion 
And beaw *pokes you* with miwdnyess my misfowtunye's cwoss; 
:33 Ay, ay, fow this I dwaw in many a teaw 
And stop the wising of bwood-sucking sighs, 
West *pokes you* with my sighs *blushes* ow teaws I bwast *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* dwown 
King Edwawd's f-fwuit, twue heiw to th' Engwish cwown. 
WIVEWS. But, *looks at you* madam, whewe is Wawwick then become? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. I am *pokes you* infowm'd *sweats* that he c-comes towawds Wondon 
To set the cwown once mowe *teleports behind you* on H-Henwy's h-head. 
Guess thou the r-west: King Edwawd's fwiends must :33 down. 
But to pwevent the tywant's viowence- 
F-Fow twust nyot him *sweats* that hath once bwoken faith- 
I'ww hence fowthwith unto the sanctuawy 
To uWu save at *notices bulge* weast the heiw of Edwawd's wight. 
*cries* Thewe shaww I west secuwe fwom fowce and fwaud. 
Come, thewefowe, wet us f-fwy whiwe we may fwy: 
If Wawwick take us, we awe suwe to die. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
A pawk nyeaw Middweham Castwe in *sweats* Yowkshiwe 

Entew *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, WOWD HASTINGS, SIW WIWWIAM STANWEY, and o-othews 

GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, my Wowd Hastings and Siw Wiwwiam Stanwey, 
L-Weave off to wondew why I dwew you hithew 
Into this chiefest thicket of the p-pawk. 
Thus stands the case: you knyow o-ouw King, my bwothew, 
*looks at you* Is pwisonyew to the Bishop hewe, at :33 whose h-hands 
He hath good usage and gweat wibewty; 
And *looks away* often xDD but *looks away* attended *pokes you* with weak guawd 
Comes hunting this way to dispowt h-himsewf. 
I have advewtis'd him ^w^ by secwet means 
*teleports behind you* That if a-about this houw he make this way, 
Undew the *teleports behind you* cowouw of his u-usuaw g-game, 
He shaww x3 hewe find his fwiends, *pokes you* with howse and men, 
To set him fwee fwom his captivity. 

Entew KING EDWAWD and a HUNTSMAN *pokes you* with him 

HUNTSMAN. This way, my wowd; fow this way wies the game. 
KING EDWAWD. Nyay, this way, *pokes you* man. See whewe the huntsmen stand. 
Nyow, b-bwothew of Gwoucestew, Wowd Hastings, and the west, 
Stand you t-thus cwose to s-steaw the Bishop's d-deew? 
GWOUCESTEW. *twerks* Bwothew, the time and *screams* case r-wequiweth haste; 
Youw howse stands r-weady at the pawk cownyew. 
KING EDWAWD. But whithew shaww we then? 
:3 HASTINGS. To Wynn, my wowd; and shipt fwom thence to Fwandews. 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww guess'd, bewieve me; fow *sweats* that was my meanying. 
KING EDWAWD. Stanwey, I wiww wequite t-thy f-fowwawdnyess. 
GWOUCESTEW. But whewefowe >_< stay *cries* we? 'Tis nyo time to tawk. 
KING EDWAWD. Huntsman, w-what say'st thou? Wiwt thou go awong? 
HUNTSMAN. Bettew do so than tawwy and be hang'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Come then, *looks away* away; wet's ha' nyo mowe ado. 
KING EDWAWD. Bishop, faweweww. Shiewd thee fwom Wawwick's fwown, 
And pway *sweats* that I may wepossess the cwown. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Wondon. The Towew 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, C-CWAWENCE, WAWWICK, SOMEWSET, young HENWY, 
EAWW OF *cuddles you* WICHMOND, *looks away* OXFOWD, M-MONTAGUE, *sweats* WIEUTENyANT OF THE TOWEW, and attendants 

KING HENWY. Mastew Wieutenyant, n-nyow *sweats* that OwO God and fwiends 
Have shaken Edwawd fwom the wegaw seat 
And tuwn'd my uWu captive state to wibewty, 
My feaw to hope, my sowwows unto *cries* joys, 
At o-ouw enwawgement w-what awe t-thy due fees? 
WIEUTENyANT. Subjects may chawwenge nyothing of t-theiw sov'weigns; 
But if an humbwe pwayew may pwevaiw, 
I then c-cwave pawdon of youw Majesty. 
KING HENWY. F-Fow what, Wieutenyant? F-Fow weww using me? 
Nyay, be thou suwe I'ww weww wequite t-thy k-kindnyess, 
F-Fow *sweats* that *moans* it made my *twerks* impwisonment a pweasuwe; 
:33 Ay, such a pweasuwe as incaged *sighs* biwds 
Conceive when, aftew many moody thoughts, 
At wast ^w^ by nyotes of househowd hawmony 
They q-quite fowget t-theiw woss of wibewty. 
But, W-Wawwick, aftew >_< God, thou set'st me fwee, 
And *shuffles closer* chiefwy thewefowe I t-thank OwO God and thee; 
He was the a-authow, thou the instwument. 
Thewefowe, *sweats* that I may conquew fowtunye's ^w^ spite 
By l-wiving OwO wow whewe fowtunye cannyot huwt me, 
And *sweats* that the peopwe of this bwessed wand 
May nyot be punyish'd *pokes you* with my thwawting staws, 
W-Wawwick, awthough my *sweats* head stiww weaw the cwown, 
I x3 hewe wesign my govewnment to ^w^ thee, 
F-Fow thou awt *giggles shyly* fowtunyate in aww t-thy deeds. 
W-WAWWICK. Youw Gwace hath stiww been fam'd fow viwtuous, 
And n-nyow may seem as w-wise as viwtuous 
By *sighs* spying and avoiding fowtunye's mawice, 
F-Fow f-few men wightwy tempew *pokes you* with the s-staws; 
Y-Yet in this onye thing wet me bwame youw Gwace, 
F-Fow choosing me when Cwawence is in pwace. 
CWAWENCE. N-Nyo, W-Wawwick, thou awt wowthy of the OwO sway, 
To whom the *looks away* heav'ns in t-thy nyativity 
Adjudg'd an o-owive b-bwanch and wauwew cwown, 
As *leans over* wikewy to be bwest in peace and waw; 
And thewefowe I y-yiewd thee my fwee consent. 
W-WAWWICK. And I c-choose Cwawence onwy fow Pwotectow. 
KING HENWY. Wawwick and *notices bulge* Cwawence, give me b-both youw h-hands. 
>_> Nyow join youw uWu hands, and *pokes you* with youw h-hands youw heawts, 
*teleports behind you* That nyo *moans* dissension hindew govewnment. 
I make you b-both Pwotectows of this l-wand, 
Whiwe I m-mysewf wiww wead a pwivate wife 
And in devotion spend my wattew *screams* days, 
To sin's webuke and my Cweatow's p-pwaise. 
W-WAWWICK. What answews Cwawence to his OwO soveweign's wiww? 
CWAWENCE. *teleports behind you* That he *cuddles you* consents, if Wawwick y-yiewd consent, 
F-Fow *teleports behind you* on t-thy fowtunye I wepose mysewf. 
W-WAWWICK. W-Why, then, *sighs* though *blushes* woath, yet must I be content. 
We'ww yoke togethew, wike a doubwe *pokes you* shadow 
To H-Henwy's body, and suppwy his pwace; 
I mean, in beawing *looks at you* weight of govewnment, 
Whiwe he e-enjoys the honyouw and his *leans over* ease. 
And, *notices bulge* Cwawence, n-nyow then *moans* it is mowe than nyeedfuw 
Fowthwith *sweats* that Edwawd be pwonyounc'd a twaitow, 
And aww his >_< wands and goods uWu confiscated. 
CWAWENCE. What ewse? And *sweats* that succession be ;;w;; detewmin'd. 
W-WAWWICK. :33 Ay, thewein Cwawence shaww nyot want his pawt. 
KING HENWY. But, *pokes you* with the f-fiwst of aww youw c-chief affaiws, 
Wet me entweat- fow I command nyo mowe- 
*teleports behind you* That Mawgawet youw Queen and my son Edwawd 
Be OwO sent fow to r-wetuwn fwom F-Fwance *pokes you* with speed; 
F-Fow tiww I see them hewe, ^w^ by doubtfuw feaw 
My joy of wibewty is h-hawf ecwips'd. 
CWAWENCE. It shaww be donye, my soveweign, *pokes you* with aww speed. 
KING HENWY. My Wowd of Somewset, w-what youth is that, 
Of whom you seem to have so tendew cawe? 
SOMEWSET. My wiege, *moans* it is young OwO Henwy, E-Eaww of Wichmond. 
KING HENWY. Come h-hithew, Engwand's hope. 
[-[Ways his h-hand *teleports behind you* on his head] 
If secwet powews 
Suggest xDD but uWu twuth to my divinying thoughts, 
This pwetty wad wiww *shuffles closer* pwove o-ouw countwy's bwiss. 
His wooks awe fuww of peacefuw majesty; 
His *sweats* head ^w^ by nyatuwe *looks at you* fwam'd to weaw a cwown, 
His h-hand to wiewd a sceptwe; and himsewf 
L-Wikewy in time to bwess a wegaw thwonye. 
Make much of him, my wowds; fow this is he 
M-Must hewp you mowe than you awe huwt ^w^ by me. 

Entew a POST 

W-WAWWICK. What nyews, my fwiend? 
POST. *teleports behind you* That Edwawd is *looks at you* escaped fwom youw b-bwothew 
And f-fwed, as he heaws since, to Buwgundy. 
W-WAWWICK. ;;w;; Unsavouwy nyews! But how made he escape? 
POST. He was convey'd ^w^ by Wichawd D-Duke of Gwoucestew 
And the Wowd Hastings, w-who *looks away* attended him 
In secwet a-ambush *teleports behind you* on the fowest side 
And fwom the Bishop's huntsmen wescu'd :3 him; 
F-Fow hunting was his daiwy exewcise. 
W-WAWWICK. My b-bwothew was too c-cawewess of his chawge. 
But wet us hence, my soveweign, to pwovide 
A sawve fow any sowe *sweats* that may betide. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but SOMEWSET, *cuddles you* WICHMOND, and OXFOWD 
SOMEWSET. My wowd, I wike nyot of this fwight of Edwawd's; 
F-Fow ^w^ doubtwess Buwgundy wiww y-yiewd him hewp, 
And we shaww have mowe waws befow't be l-wong. 
As H-Henwy's *looks away* wate pwesaging pwophecy 
*sweats* Did gwad my heawt *pokes you* with hope of this young Wichmond, 
So doth my heawt misgive me, in these confwicts, 
What may befaww him to his hawm and ouws. 
Thewefowe, Wowd O-Oxfowd, to pwevent the wowst, 
Fowthwith we'ww send him hence to Bwittany, 
Tiww s-stowms be past of civiw enmity. 
OXFOWD. :33 Ay, fow if Edwawd wepossess the cwown, 
'Tis wike *sweats* that Wichmond *pokes you* with the west shaww :33 down. 
SOMEWSET. It shaww be so; he shaww to Bwittany. 
Come thewefowe, wet's a-about *moans* it speediwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
B-Befowe Yowk 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, HASTINGS, and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Nyow, b-bwothew Wichawd, Wowd Hastings, and the west, 
Y-Yet t-thus faw fowtunye *giggles shyly* maketh us amends, 
And says *sweats* that once mowe I shaww intewchange 
My wanyed state fow H-Henwy's wegaw cwown. 
Weww have we pass'd and n-nyow r-wepass'd the seas, 
And >w< bwought desiwed hewp fwom Buwgundy; 
What then wemains, we being t-thus *looks at you* awwiv'd 
Fwom Wavenspuwgh haven befowe the gates of Yowk, 
But *sweats* that we :3 entew, as into o-ouw dukedom? 
GWOUCESTEW. The gates made ^-^ fast! *twerks* Bwothew, I wike nyot this; 
F-Fow many men *sweats* that stumbwe at the thweshowd 
Awe weww fowetowd *sweats* that d-dangew *screams* wuwks *looks at you* within. 
KING EDWAWD. Tush, m-man, abodements must nyot n-nyow affwight us. 
By *looks at you* faiw *blushes* ow f-fouw means we must entew in, 
F-Fow hithew wiww o-ouw fwiends r-wepaiw to us. 
:3 HASTINGS. My wiege, I'ww knyock once mowe to summon them. 

Entew, *teleports behind you* on the wawws, the *sighs* MAYOW OF YOWK and 
his BWETHWEN 

MAYOW. My wowds, we wewe fowewawnyed of youw coming 
And s-shut the gates fow safety of ouwsewves, 
F-Fow n-nyow we owe awwegiance unto Henwy. 
KING EDWAWD. But, Mastew Mayow, if Henwy be youw King, 
Y-Yet Edwawd at the *notices bulge* weast is D-Duke of Yowk. 
MAYOW. Twue, my good wowd; I knyow you fow nyo wess. 
KING EDWAWD. W-Why, and I chawwenge nyothing xDD but my dukedom, 
As being weww content *pokes you* with *sweats* that awonye. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] But when the fox hath once got in his n-nyose, 
He'ww soon find means to make the body fowwow. 
:3 HASTINGS. W-Why, Mastew Mayow, why *looks at you* stand you in a doubt? 
Open the gates; we awe King H-Henwy's xDD fwiends. 
MAYOW. :33 Ay, say you *moans* so? The gates shaww then be open'd. 
:3 [He *shuffles closer* descends] 
GWOUCESTEW. A w-wise stout captain, and soon p-pewsuaded! 
:3 HASTINGS. The good owd man ^.^ wouwd fain *sweats* that aww wewe weww, 
So 'twewe nyot wong of :3 him; xDD but being e-ent'wed, 
I d-doubt nyot, I, xDD but we shaww soon pewsuade 
^w^ Both him and aww his bwothews unto r-weason. 

Entew, UwU bewow, the *sighs* MAYOW and xDD two AWDEWMEN 

KING EDWAWD. >_> So, Mastew Mayow. These gates must nyot be s-shut 
But in the nyight *blushes* ow in the time of waw. 
*pokes you* What! feaw nyot, m-man, xDD but y-yiewd me up the keys; 
[Takes his keys] 
F-Fow Edwawd wiww defend the town and ^w^ thee, 
And aww those fwiends *sweats* that deign to f-fowwow me. 

M-Mawch. Entew MONTGOMEWY *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and sowdiews 

GWOUCESTEW. *twerks* Bwothew, this is Siw John :3 Montgomewy, 
Ouw *pokes you* twusty f-fwiend, *hugs tightly* unwess I be deceiv'd. 
KING EDWAWD. Wewcome, Siw john! But why come you in awms? 
>_< MONTGOMEWY. To hewp King Edwawd in his time of stowm, 
As evewy woyaw subject ought to do. 
KING EDWAWD. >w< Thanks, good Montgomewy; xDD but we n-nyow fowget 
Ouw titwe to the cwown, and onwy c-cwaim 
Ouw d-dukedom tiww OwO God pwease to send the west. 
>_< MONTGOMEWY. T-Then fawe you weww, fow I wiww hence again. 
I came to sewve a king and nyot a duke. 
Dwummew, stwike up, and wet us mawch a-away. 
[The *cries* dwum begins to mawch] 
KING EDWAWD. Nyay, stay, Siw John, a w-whiwe, and we'ww debate 
By w-what safe means the cwown may be r-wecovew'd. 
>_< MONTGOMEWY. What tawk you of debating? In f-few wowds: 
If y-you'ww nyot x3 hewe pwocwaim youwsewf o-ouw King, 
I'ww weave you to youw fowtunye and be g-gonye 
To keep them back *sweats* that come to succouw you. 
Why shaww we fight, if you pwetend nyo *screams* titwe? 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, bwothew, whewefowe *looks at you* stand you *teleports behind you* on nyice :33 points? 
KING EDWAWD. When we gwow stwongew, then we'ww make o-ouw uWu cwaim; 
Tiww then 'tis wisdom to conceaw o-ouw meanying. 
:3 HASTINGS. Away *pokes you* with scwupuwous wit! >_> Nyow awms must wuwe. 
GWOUCESTEW. And feawwess minds cwimb soonyest unto cwowns. 
*twerks* Bwothew, we wiww pwocwaim you out of hand; 
The bwuit *hugs tightly* theweof wiww b-bwing you many xDD fwiends. 
KING EDWAWD. T-Then be *moans* it as you wiww; fow 'tis my wight, 
And Henwy xDD but usuwps the diadem. 
>_< MONTGOMEWY. :33 Ay, n-nyow my soveweign s-speaketh wike himsewf; 
And n-nyow wiww I be Edwawd's champion. 
:3 HASTINGS. Sound twumpet; Edwawd shaww be x3 hewe pwocwaim'd. 
Come, fewwow sowdiew, make thou pwocwamation. 
[Gives him a papew. Fwouwish] 
S-SOWDIEW. [Weads] 'Edwawd the Fouwth, ^w^ by the gwace of >_< God, 
King of Engwand and F-Fwance, and Wowd of Iwewand, &c.' 
>_< MONTGOMEWY. And :33 whoso'ew gainsays King Edwawd's wight, 
By this I chawwenge him to s-singwe fight. 
[Thwows down gauntwet] 
AWW. L-Wong wive Edwawd the Fouwth! 
KING EDWAWD. >w< Thanks, bwave :3 Montgomewy, and thanks unto you aww; 
If fowtunye sewve me, I'ww wequite this kindnyess. 
>_> Nyow fow this nyight wet's *sweats* hawbouw x3 hewe in Yowk; 
And when the mownying *moans* sun shaww waise his ;;w;; caw 
Above the *twerks* bowdew of this howizon, 
We'ww *blushes* fowwawd towawds Wawwick and his *looks away* mates; 
F-Fow weww I wot *sweats* that Henwy is nyo s-sowdiew. 
Ah, ^.^ fwowawd *notices bulge* Cwawence, how eviw *moans* it beseems the 
To fwattew Henwy and fowsake t-thy bwothew! 
Yet, as we may, we'ww meet b-both thee and Wawwick. 
Come on, bwave sowdiews; d-doubt nyot of the day, 
And, *sweats* that once gotten, d-doubt nyot of l-wawge pay. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
Wondon. The pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING HENWY, WAWWICK, M-MONTAGUE, C-CWAWENCE, *looks away* OXFOWD, and EXETEW 

W-WAWWICK. What counsew, wowds? Edwawd fwom Bewgia, 
With h-hasty Gewmans and bwunt *hugs tightly* Howwandews, 
Hath pass'd in safety uWu thwough the nyawwow seas 
And *pokes you* with his *teleports behind you* twoops doth mawch amain to Wondon; 
And many giddy peopwe f-fwock to him. 
KING HENWY. Wet's wevy men and beat him back again. 
CWAWENCE. A wittwe fiwe is quickwy twodden *pokes you* out, 
Which, being suffew'd, wivews cannyot quench. 
W-WAWWICK. In Wawwickshiwe I have twue-heawted fwiends, 
Nyot mutinyous in peace, yet bowd in waw; 
Those wiww I m-mustew up, and thou, son *notices bulge* Cwawence, 
Shawt s-stiw up in Suffowk, Nyowfowk, and in Kent, 
The knyights and g-gentwemen to come *pokes you* with thee. 
x3 Thou, b-bwothew Montague, in OwO Buckingham, 
Nyowthampton, and in Weicestewshiwe, shawt find 
Men weww i-incwin'd to heaw w-what thou command'st. 
And thou, bwave O-Oxfowd, *cuddles you* wondwous weww bewov'd, 
In Oxfowdshiwe shawt m-mustew up t-thy xDD fwiends. 
My soveweign, *pokes you* with the ^.^ woving citizens, 
Wike to his iswand giwt in *pokes you* with the ocean 
Ow modest Dian ciwcwed *pokes you* with h-hew *sighs* nymphs, 
Shaww west in Wondon tiww we come to him. 
>_< Faiw wowds, take weave and *looks at you* stand nyot to >_< wepwy. 
Faweweww, my soveweign. 
KING HENWY. Faweweww, my Hectow and my Twoy's twue hope. 
CWAWENCE. In sign of twuth, I kiss youw Highnyess' hand. 
KING HENWY. Weww-minded *notices bulge* Cwawence, be thou fowtunyate! 
MONTAGUE. Comfowt, my wowd; and so I take my >_< weave. 
OXFOWD. [Kissing the KING'S band] And t-thus I s-seaw my uWu twuth and bid 
adieu. 
KING HENWY. Sweet O-Oxfowd, and my ^.^ woving Montague, 
And aww at o-once, once mowe a happy faweweww. 
W-WAWWICK. Faweweww, sweet wowds; wet's meet at Coventwy. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the KING and EXETEW 
KING HENWY. Hewe at the pawace wiww I west a whiwe. 
Cousin of E-Exetew, w-what thinks youw wowdship? 
Methinks the *cries* powew *sweats* that Edwawd hath in fiewd 
Shouwd nyot be abwe to encountew minye. 
EXETEW. The d-doubt is *sweats* that he wiww seduce the west. 
KING HENWY. That's nyot my feaw; my meed hath got me f-fame: 
I have nyot stopp'd minye eaws to t-theiw *giggles shyly* demands, 
N-Nyow p-posted off t-theiw suits *pokes you* with swow deways; 
My pity hath been bawm to heaw t-theiw wounds, 
My miwdnyess hath awway'd t-theiw s-swewwing gwiefs, 
My mewcy d-dwied t-theiw watew-fwowing teaws; 
I have nyot been *screams* desiwous of t-theiw weawth, 
N-Nyow much oppwess'd them *pokes you* with gweat subsidies, 
N-Nyow *blushes* fowwawd of uWu wevenge, *sighs* though they much eww'd. 
T-Then why shouwd they wove Edwawd mowe than me? 
N-Nyo, E-Exetew, these *teleports behind you* gwaces chawwenge gwace; 
And, when the wion fawns upon the wamb, 
The wamb wiww nyevew c-cease to f-fowwow him. 
[Shout within 'A Wancastew! A Wancastew!'] 
EXETEW. Hawk, hawk, my wowd! What shouts awe these? 

Entew KING EDWAWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Seize *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* shame-fac'd OwO Henwy, beaw him hence; 
And once ;;w;; again pwocwaim us King of Engwand. 
Y-You awe the fount *sweats* that makes smaww bwooks to fwow. 
>_> Nyow *looks away* stops t-thy spwing; my *notices bulge* sea shaww s-suck them d-dwy, 
And *pokes you* sweww so much the highew ^w^ by t-theiw e-ebb. 
Hence *pokes you* with him to the Towew: wet him nyot speak. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* some *pokes you* with KING HENWY 
And, wowds, towawds Coventwy *looks away* bend we o-ouw couwse, 
Whewe pewemptowy Wawwick n-nyow wemains. 
The *moans* sun shinyes hot; and, if we use OwO deway, 
Cowd b-biting w-wintew *leans over* maws o-ouw h-hop'd-fow h-hay. 
GWOUCESTEW. Away betimes, befowe his f-fowces j-join, 
And take the gweat-gwown twaitow unyawawes. 
Bwave wawwiows, mawch amain towawds Coventwy. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Coventwy 

Entew WAWWICK, the *sighs* MAYOW OF COVENTWY, xDD two *leans over* MESSENGEWS, 
and o-othews upon the wawws 

W-WAWWICK. Whewe is the post *sweats* that came fwom vawiant Oxfowd? 
H-How faw hence is t-thy wowd, minye honyest fewwow? 
FIWST MESSENGEW. By this at Dunsmowe, mawching hithewwawd. 
W-WAWWICK. H-How faw off is o-ouw b-bwothew Montague? 
Whewe is the post *sweats* that came fwom Montague? 
SECOND MESSENGEW. By this at *sighs* Daintwy, *pokes you* with a puissant twoop. 

Entew SIW JOHN S-SOMEWVIWWE 

W-WAWWICK. Say, Somewviwwe, w-what says my ^.^ woving son? 
And ^w^ by t-thy g-guess how n-nyigh is Cwawence nyow? 
SOMEWVIWWE. At Southam I did weave him *pokes you* with his fowces, 
And do UwU expect him x3 hewe *blushes* some xDD two houws hence. 
[Dwum heawd] 
W-WAWWICK. T-Then Cwawence is at hand; I heaw his dwum. 
SOMEWVIWWE. It is nyot his, my wowd; x3 hewe Southam wies. 
The *cries* dwum youw Honyouw heaws mawcheth fwom Wawwick. 
W-WAWWICK. Who shouwd *sweats* that b-be? Bewike u-unwook'd fow xDD fwiends. 
SOMEWVIWWE. They awe at hand, and you shaww quickwy knyow. 

M-Mawch. F-Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, 
and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Go, twumpet, to the wawws, and s-sound a pawwe. 
GWOUCESTEW. See how the s-suwwy Wawwick mans the waww. 
W-WAWWICK. O unbid spite! *looks at you* Is spowtfuw Edwawd come? 
Whewe swept o-ouw scouts *blushes* ow how awe they seduc'd 
*teleports behind you* That we couwd heaw nyo nyews of his wepaiw? 
KING EDWAWD. Nyow, W-Wawwick, wiwt thou ope the city gates, 
Speak g-gentwe wowds, and humbwy *looks away* bend t-thy xDD knyee, 
Caww Edwawd King, and at his h-hands beg m-mewcy? 
And he shaww pawdon thee these outwages. 
W-WAWWICK. Nyay, wathew, wiwt thou dwaw t-thy f-fowces hence, 
Confess w-who set thee up and UwU pwuck'd thee *giggles shyly* down, 
Caww Wawwick patwon, and be penyitent? 
And thou shawt stiww wemain the D-Duke of Yowk. 
GWOUCESTEW. I thought, at weast, he ^.^ wouwd have s-said the K-King; 
Ow did he make the jest against his wiww? 
W-WAWWICK. *looks at you* Is nyot a dukedom, siw, a g-goodwy g-gift? 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, ^w^ by my faith, fow a poow e-eaww to give. 
I'ww do thee sewvice fow so good a gift. 
W-WAWWICK. 'Twas I *sweats* that gave the kingdom to t-thy bwothew. 
KING EDWAWD. Why then 'tis minye, if xDD but ^w^ by Wawwick's gift. 
W-WAWWICK. *moans* Thou awt nyo Atwas fow so gweat a weight; 
And, weakwing, Wawwick takes his gift again; 
And Henwy is my King, Wawwick his :3 subject. 
KING EDWAWD. But Wawwick's king is Edwawd's pwisonyew. 
And, gawwant W-Wawwick, do xDD but *sighs* answew this: 
What is the body when the *sweats* head is off? 
GWOUCESTEW. A-Awas, *sweats* that Wawwick h-had nyo mowe fowecast, 
But, whiwes he thought to s-steaw the s-singwe ten, 
The king was s-swiwy *pokes you* fingew'd fwom the *twerks* deck! 
Y-You >w< weft poow Henwy at the Bishop's pawace, 
And ten to onye y-you'ww meet him in the Towew. 
KING EDWAWD. 'Tis even so; yet you awe Wawwick stiww. 
GWOUCESTEW. Come, W-Wawwick, take the time; knyeew *giggles shyly* down, knyeew :33 down. 
Nyay, when? Stwike nyow, *blushes* ow e-ewse the iwon coows. 
W-WAWWICK. I h-had wathew chop this h-hand off at a bwow, 
And *pokes you* with the othew *sighs* fwing *moans* it at t-thy face, 
*notices bulge* Than beaw so OwO wow a saiw to stwike to thee. 
KING EDWAWD. Saiw how thou c-canst, have *cuddles you* wind and tide t-thy f-fwiend, 
This hand, *looks away* fast ^.^ wound a-about t-thy *pokes you* coaw-bwack haiw, 
*twerks* Shaww, whiwes t-thy *sweats* head is wawm and nyew cut off, 
Wwite in the dust this s-sentence *pokes you* with t-thy bwood: 
'Wind-changing Wawwick n-nyow can change nyo mowe.' 

Entew *looks away* OXFOWD, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

W-WAWWICK. O cheewfuw cowouws! See whewe Oxfowd c-comes. 
OXFOWD. O-Oxfowd, O-Oxfowd, fow Wancastew! 
:3 [He and his f-fowces entew the city] 
GWOUCESTEW. The gates awe open, wet us entew too. 
KING EDWAWD. So othew foes may set upon o-ouw backs. 
Stand we in good awway, fow they nyo d-doubt 
Wiww issue out ;;w;; again and bid us b-battwe; 
If nyot, the city being xDD but of smaww defence, 
We'ww q-quietwy r-wouse the t-twaitows in the same. 
W-WAWWICK. O, wewcome, Oxfowd! fow we want t-thy hewp. 

Entew M-MONTAGUE, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

MONTAGUE. Montague, Montague, fow Wancastew! 
:3 [He and his f-fowces entew the city] 
GWOUCESTEW. *moans* Thou and t-thy b-bwothew b-both shaww b-buy this tweason 
Even *pokes you* with the deawest b-bwood youw bodies beaw. 
KING EDWAWD. The h-hawdew *blushes* match'd, the gweatew victowy. 
My mind pwesageth happy gain and conquest. 

Entew SOMEWSET, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

SOMEWSET. Somewset, Somewset, fow Wancastew! 
:3 [He and his f-fowces entew the city] 
GWOUCESTEW. Two of t-thy nyame, b-both Dukes of Somewset, 
Have sowd t-theiw wives unto the h-house of Yowk; 
And thou shawt be the thiwd, if this swowd howd. 

Entew C-CWAWENCE, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

W-WAWWICK. And wo whewe Geowge of Cwawence sweeps a-awong, 
Of fowce enyough to bid his b-bwothew b-battwe; 
With whom an upwight zeaw to wight p-pwevaiws 
Mowe than the nyatuwe of a bwothew's wove. 
CWAWENCE. *notices bulge* Cwawence, *notices bulge* Cwawence, fow Wancastew! 
KING EDWAWD. Et tu Bwute- wiwt thou stab Caesaw too? 
A pawwey, siwwah, to Geowge of Cwawence. 
*cries* [Sound a pawwey. WICHAWD and CWAWENCE whispew] 
W-WAWWICK. Come, *notices bulge* Cwawence, come. *moans* Thou wiwt if Wawwick caww. 
CWAWENCE. [Taking the wed wose fwom his hat and t-thwowing 
*moans* it at WAWWICK] 
*notices bulge* Fathew of W-Wawwick, knyow you w-what this means? 
Wook hewe, I thwow my infamy at thee. 
I wiww nyot wuinyate my fathew's *notices bulge* house, 
Who gave his b-bwood to wime the stonyes togethew, 
And set up Wancastew. W-Why, twowest thou, W-Wawwick, 
*teleports behind you* That Cwawence is so hawsh, so *screams* bwunt, unnyatuwaw, 
To *looks away* bend the fataw instwuments of waw 
Against his b-bwothew and his l-wawfuw King? 
Pewhaps thou wiwt object my howy oath. 
To keep *sweats* that oath wewe mowe impiety 
*notices bulge* Than Jephtha when he sacwific'd his daughtew. 
I am so sowwy fow my *sighs* twespass made 
That, to desewve weww at my bwothew's uWu hands, 
I x3 hewe pwocwaim m-mysewf t-thy mowtaw foe; 
With *sighs* wesowution wheweso'ew I meet thee- 
As I wiww meet ^w^ thee, if thou s-stiw *cuddles you* abwoad- 
To pwague thee fow t-thy f-fouw m-misweading me. 
And so, pwoud-heawted W-Wawwick, I defy ^w^ thee, 
And to my b-bwothew tuwn my bwushing cheeks. 
Pawdon me, >_> Edwawd, I wiww make amends; 
And, Wichawd, do nyot f-fwown upon my fauwts, 
F-Fow I wiww hencefowth be nyo mowe unconstant. 
KING EDWAWD. >_> Nyow wewcome mowe, and ten times mowe bewov'd, 
*notices bulge* Than if thou nyevew hadst desewv'd o-ouw hate. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wewcome, good C-Cwawence; this is :3 bwothew-wike. 
W-WAWWICK. O passing twaitow, pewjuw'd and unjust! 
KING EDWAWD. What, W-Wawwick, wiwt thou weave die town and fight? 
Ow shaww we beat the stonyes a-about thinye eaws? 
W-WAWWICK. A-Awas, I am nyot coop'd x3 hewe fow defence! 
I wiww away towawds >_> Bawnyet p-pwesentwy 
And bid thee battwe, >_> Edwawd, if thou daw'st. 
KING EDWAWD. Yes, W-Wawwick, Edwawd dawes and weads the way. 
Wowds, to the fiewd; Saint Geowge and victowy! 
UwU Exeunt YOWKISTS 
[Mawch. WAWWICK and his company fowwow] 




SCENyE II. 
A fiewd of battwe nyeaw >_> Bawnyet 

:33 Awawum and excuwsions. Entew KING EDWAWD, bwinging f-fowth WAWWICK, wounded 

KING EDWAWD. >_> So, wie thou thewe. Die thou, and die o-ouw feaw; 
F-Fow Wawwick was a bug *sweats* that feaw'd us aww. 
Nyow, Montague, sit fast; I seek fow ^w^ thee, 
*teleports behind you* That Wawwick's b-bonyes may keep thinye company. Exit 
W-WAWWICK. Ah, w-who is nyigh? Come to me, fwiend *blushes* ow foe, 
And teww me w-who is victow, Yowk *blushes* ow Wawwick? 
Why ask I that? My mangwed body shows, 
My b-bwood, my want of stwength, my sick heawt shows, 
*teleports behind you* That I must y-yiewd my body to the eawth 
And, ^w^ by my faww, the *moans* conquest to my foe. 
Thus y-yiewds the cedaw to the axe's e-edge, 
Whose awms gave shewtew to the pwincewy eagwe, 
Undew :33 whose shade the wamping wion swept, 
Whose top-bwanch ovewpeew'd Jove's *sighs* spweading twee 
And kept OwO wow shwubs fwom *shuffles closer* wintew's pow'wfuw wind. 
These e-eyes, *sweats* that n-nyow awe *giggles shyly* dimm'd *pokes you* with death's bwack veiw, 
Have been as piewcing as the mid-day *moans* sun 
To seawch the secwet tweasons of the wowwd; 
The wwinkwes in my b-bwows, n-nyow fiww'd *pokes you* with b-bwood, 
Wewe *hugs tightly* wik'nyed oft to kingwy sepuwchwes; 
F-Fow w-who wiv'd King, xDD but I couwd dig his g-gwave? 
And w-who d-duwst smiwe when Wawwick bent his bwow? 
Wo n-nyow my gwowy smeaw'd in dust and bwood! 
My pawks, my :3 wawks, my manyows, *sweats* that I >_> had, 
Even n-nyow fowsake me; and of aww my >_< wands 
*looks at you* Is nyothing >w< weft me xDD but my body's wength. 
w-what is pomp, wuwe, ^.^ weign, xDD but eawth and dust? 
And wive we how we can, yet die we m-must. 

Entew OXFOWD and SOMEWSET 

SOMEWSET. Ah, W-Wawwick, Wawwick! wewt thou as we awe, 
We might wecovew aww o-ouw woss again. 
The Queen fwom F-Fwance hath >w< bwought a puissant powew; 
Even n-nyow we h-heawd the n-nyews. Ah, couwdst thou fwy! 
W-WAWWICK. Why then, I ^.^ wouwd nyot fwy. Ah, Montague, 
If thou be thewe, sweet bwothew, take my hand, 
And *pokes you* with t-thy wips keep in my souw a whiwe! 
*moans* Thou l-wov'st me nyot; *notices bulge* fow, bwothew, if thou didst, 
Thy teaws ^.^ wouwd wash this cowd congeawed b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That gwues my wips and wiww nyot wet me speak. 
Come quickwy, Montague, *blushes* ow I am dead. 
SOMEWSET. Ah, Wawwick! M-Montague hath bweath'd his l-wast; 
And to the >_> watest gasp cwied out fow W-Wawwick, 
And s-said 'Commend me to my vawiant >_> bwothew.' 
And mowe he ^.^ wouwd have said; and mowe he spoke, 
Which sounded wike a cwamouw in a vauwt, 
*teleports behind you* That m-mought nyot be distinguish'd; xDD but at wast, 
I weww might heaw, d-dewivewed *pokes you* with a gwoan, 
'O faweweww, Wawwick!' 
W-WAWWICK. Sweet west his ^w^ souw! Fwy, wowds, and uWu save youwsewves: 
F-Fow Wawwick b-bids you aww faweweww, to meet in heaven. 
[Dies] 
OXFOWD. ^w^ Away, away, to meet the *blushes* Queen's gweat powew! 
[Hewe they beaw away his *moans* body] 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING in twiumph; *pokes you* with *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, C-CWAWENCE, and the west 

KING EDWAWD. Thus faw o-ouw fowtunye keeps an >_> upwawd couwse, 
And we awe gwac'd *pokes you* with :33 wweaths of victowy. 
But in the m-midst of this bwight-shinying day 
I spy a bwack, suspicious, t-thweat'nying cwoud 
*teleports behind you* That wiww encountew *pokes you* with o-ouw gwowious *moans* sun 
Ewe he attain his easefuw w-westewn bed- 
I mean, my wowds, those powews *sweats* that the Queen 
Hath wais'd in Gawwia have *looks at you* awwiv'd o-ouw coast 
And, as we heaw, mawch *teleports behind you* on to fight *pokes you* with us. 
CWAWENCE. A wittwe gawe wiww soon dispewse *sweats* that cwoud 
And bwow *moans* it to the souwce fwom whence *moans* it came; 
Thy vewy beams wiww dwy those vapouws up, 
F-Fow evewy cwoud engendews nyot a s-stowm. 
GWOUCESTEW. The Queen is *twerks* vawued thiwty thousand stwong, 
And Somewset, *pokes you* with O-Oxfowd, OwO fwed to hew. 
If she have time to b-bweathe, be weww assuw'd 
Hew faction wiww be fuww as stwong as ouws. 
KING EDWAWD. awe advewtis'd ^w^ by o-ouw ^.^ woving fwiends 
*teleports behind you* That they do howd t-theiw *blushes* couwse towawd Tewksbuwy; 
We, having n-nyow the best at >_> Bawnyet *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Wiww thithew ;;w;; stwaight, fow wiwwingnyess r-wids way; 
And as we mawch o-ouw stwength wiww be augmented 
In evewy county as we go ^.^ awong. 
Stwike up the dwum; cwy 'Couwage!' and a-away. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
P-Pwains weaw *teleports behind you* Tewksbuwy 

F-Fwouwish. M-Mawch. Entew QUEEN MAWGAWET, PWINCE EDWAWD, SOMEWSET, *looks away* OXFOWD, 
and SOWDIEWS 

QUEEN MAWGAWET. G-Gweat wowds, w-wise men nye'ew sit and waiw t-theiw 
woss, 
But cheewwy seek how to wedwess t-theiw hawms. 
What *sighs* though the mast be n-nyow bwown ovewboawd, 
The cabwe bwoke, the howding-anchow l-wost, 
And h-hawf o-ouw saiwows swawwow'd in the *sweats* fwood; 
Y-Yet wives o-ouw piwot stiww. Is't meet *sweats* that he 
Shouwd weave the hewm and, wike a f-feawfuw wad, 
With t-teawfuw eyes add watew to the *notices bulge* sea 
And give mowe stwength to *sweats* that which hath too *moans* much; 
Whiwes, in his moan, the ship spwits *teleports behind you* on the r-wock, 
Which industwy and couwage might have sav'd? 
Ah, w-what a ^-^ shame! ah, w-what a fauwt wewe this! 
Say Wawwick was o-ouw anchow; w-what of that? 
And M-Montague o-ouw top-mast; w-what of him? 
Ouw swaught'wed fwiends the tackwes; w-what of these? 
W-Why, is nyot Oxfowd x3 hewe anyothew anchow? 
And Somewset anyothew g-goodwy mast? 
The fwiends of F-Fwance o-ouw shwouds and tackwings? 
And, *sighs* though unskiwfuw, why nyot Nyed and I 
F-Fow once awwow'd the skiwfuw piwot's chawge? 
We wiww nyot fwom the hewm to sit and weep, 
But keep o-ouw couwse, *sighs* though the wough *cuddles you* wind say nyo, 
Fwom *twerks* shewves and wocks *sweats* that *looks away* thweaten us *pokes you* with wweck, 
As good to chide the waves as speak them >w< faiw. 
And w-what is Edwawd xDD but a wuthwess sea? 
What Cwawence xDD but a q-quicksand of >_< deceit? 
And Wichawd xDD but a wagged fataw >_< wock? 
Aww these the enyemies to o-ouw poow bawk. 
Say you can swim; awas, 'tis xDD but a whiwe! 
Twead *teleports behind you* on the sand; why, thewe you quickwy sink. 
B-Bestwide the wock; the tide wiww wash you off, 
Ow e-ewse you famish- that's a thweefowd death. 
This speak I, wowds, to wet you *hugs tightly* undewstand, 
If *screams* case *blushes* some onye of you ^.^ wouwd f-fwy fwom us, 
*teleports behind you* That thewe's nyo h-hop'd-fow mewcy *pokes you* with the bwothews 
Mowe than *pokes you* with wuthwess waves, *pokes you* with sands, and wocks. 
W-Why, couwage ^-^ then! What cannyot be avoided 
'Twewe chiwdish weaknyess to wament *blushes* ow *pokes you* feaw. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Methinks a woman of this vawiant spiwit 
Shouwd, if a cowawd heaw h-hew speak these wowds, 
>_> Infuse his b-bweast *pokes you* with xDD magnyanyimity 
And make him nyaked *cries* foiw a man-at-awms. 
I speak nyot this as doubting any h-hewe; 
F-Fow did I xDD but suspect a f-feawfuw m-man, 
He shouwd have weave to go away betimes, 
West in o-ouw nyeed he might infect anyothew 
And make him of the wike spiwit to h-himsewf. 
If any such be h-hewe- as OwO God fowbid!- 
Wet him depawt befowe we nyeed his hewp. 
OXFOWD. Women and chiwdwen of so ^.^ high a couwage, 
And wawwiows faint! W-Why, 'twewe *looks away* pewpetuaw s-shame. 
O bwave young P-Pwince! t-thy famous gwandfathew 
Doth wive ;;w;; again in thee. L-Wong m-mayst thou Eve 
To beaw his i-image and wenyew his gwowies! 
SOMEWSET. And he *sweats* that wiww nyot fight fow such a hope, 
Go h-home to b-bed and, wike the oww ^w^ by day, 
If he awise, be mock'd and wond'wed at. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe Somewset; sweet O-Oxfowd, thanks. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. And take his thanks *sweats* that yet hath nyothing ewse. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. >_> Pwepawe y-you, wowds, fow Edwawd is at h-hand 
Weady to fight; thewefowe be wesowute. 
OXFOWD. I thought nyo wess. It is his powicy 
To haste t-thus fast, to find us *shuffles closer* unpwovided. 
SOMEWSET. But he's deceiv'd; we awe in r-weadinyess. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. This c-cheews my h-heawt, to see youw f-fowwawdnyess. 
OXFOWD. Hewe pitch o-ouw b-battwe; hence we wiww nyot budge. 

Fwouwish and m-mawch. Entew, at a d-distance, KING EDWAWD, 
*looks away* GWOUCESTEW, C-CWAWENCE, and sowdiews 

KING EDWAWD. Bwave fowwowews, y-yondew stands the thowny wood 
Which, ^w^ by the heavens' *leans over* assistance and youw stwength, 
M-Must ^w^ by the woots be hewn up yet ewe nyight. 
I nyeed nyot add mowe fuew to youw fiwe, 
F-Fow weww I wot ye bwaze to buwn them ^w^ out. 
Give signyaw to the fight, and to it, wowds. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wowds, knyights, and gentwemen, w-what I shouwd say 
My teaws gainsay; fow evewy wowd I speak, 
Ye see, I ^-^ dwink the watew of my eye. 
Thewefowe, nyo mowe xDD but this: OwO Henwy, youw soveweign, 
*looks at you* Is pwisonyew to the foe; his state usuwp'd, 
His ^.^ weawm a s-swaughtew-house, his subjects swain, 
His statutes canceww'd, and his tweasuwe spent; 
And y-yondew is the wowf *sweats* that makes this spoiw. 
Y-You fight in justice. Then, in God's nyame, wowds, 
Be vawiant, and give signyaw to the fight. 
Awawum, wetweat, excuwsions. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, C-CWAWENCE, and fowces, 
With QUEEN MAWGAWET, *looks away* OXFOWD, and SOMEWSET, >w< pwisonyews 

KING EDWAWD. >_> Nyow x3 hewe a pewiod of tumuwtuous bwoiws. 
Away *pokes you* with Oxfowd to Hames Castwe stwaight; 
F-Fow Somewset, off *pokes you* with his *teleports behind you* guiwty h-head. 
Go, beaw them hence; I wiww nyot heaw them speak. 
OXFOWD. F-Fow my pawt, I'ww nyot t-twoubwe thee *pokes you* with wowds. 
SOMEWSET. N-Nyow I, xDD but stoop *pokes you* with p-patience to my OwO fowtunye. 
UwU Exeunt OXFOWD and SOMEWSET, guawded 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. So *cries* pawt we *shuffles closer* sadwy in this twoubwous wowwd, 
To meet *pokes you* with joy in sweet Jewusawem. 
KING EDWAWD. *looks at you* Is pwocwamation made *sweats* that w-who finds Edwawd 
Shaww have a ^.^ high wewawd, and he his wife? 
GWOUCESTEW. It is; and wo whewe youthfuw Edwawd c-comes. 

Entew sowdiews, *pokes you* with PWINCE EDWAWD 

KING EDWAWD. Bwing f-fowth the gawwant; wet us heaw him speak. 
What, can so young a man begin to pwick? 
>_> Edwawd, w-what x3 satisfaction ;;w;; canst thou make 
F-Fow beawing awms, fow stiwwing up my subjects, 
And aww the t-twoubwe thou hast tuwn'd me to? 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Speak wike a subject, pwoud ambitious Yowk. 
Suppose *sweats* that I am n-nyow my fathew's mouth; 
Wesign t-thy chaiw, and whewe I *looks at you* stand knyeew thou, 
Whiwst I pwopose the uWu sewf-same wowds to the 
Which, twaitow, thou wouwdst have me *sighs* answew to. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Ah, *sweats* that t-thy fathew h-had been so wesowv'd! 
GWOUCESTEW. *teleports behind you* That you might stiww have *looks away* wown the petticoat 
And nye'ew have stow'n the bweech fwom Wancastew. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Wet Aesop ^w^ fabwe in a *shuffles closer* wintew's nyight; 
His *sighs* cuwwish widdwe sowts nyot *pokes you* with this pwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. By heaven, bwat, I'ww pwague ye fow *sweats* that wowd. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. :33 Ay, thou wast bown to be a pwague to men. 
GWOUCESTEW. F-Fow God's sake, take away this uWu captive scowd. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. Nyay, take away this scowding cwookback *giggles shyly* wathew. 
KING EDWAWD. >w< Peace, wiwfuw boy, *blushes* ow I wiww chawm youw tongue. 
CWAWENCE. Untutow'd wad, thou awt too *screams* mawapewt. 
PWINCE OF WAWES. I knyow my duty; you awe aww undutifuw. 
Wascivious >_> Edwawd, and thou pewjuw'd G-Geowge, 
And thou misshapen Dick, I teww ye aww 
I am youw *blushes* bettew, t-twaitows as ye awe; 
And thou :33 usuwp'st my fathew's wight and minye. 
KING EDWAWD. Take that, the wikenyess of this waiwew hewe. 
[Stabs h-him] 
GWOUCESTEW. Spwaww'st thou? Take that, to end t-thy agony. 
[Stabs h-him] 
CWAWENCE. And thewe's fow twitting me *pokes you* with pewjuwy. 
[Stabs h-him] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. O, kiww me too! 
GWOUCESTEW. Mawwy, and shaww. [-[Offews to kiww hew] 
KING EDWAWD. Howd, Wichawd, howd; fow we have donye to much. 
GWOUCESTEW. Why shouwd she wive to fiww the wowwd *pokes you* with wowds? 
KING EDWAWD. What, doth she swoon? U-Use means fow h-hew wecovewy. 
GWOUCESTEW. *notices bulge* Cwawence, excuse me to the King my bwothew. 
I'ww hence to Wondon *teleports behind you* on a sewious mattew; 
Ewe ye come thewe, be suwe to heaw *blushes* some n-nyews. 
CWAWENCE. W-What? *cuddles you* what? 
GWOUCESTEW. The Towew! the Towew! Exit 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. O Nyed, sweet Nyed, speak to t-thy m-mothew, boy! 
C-Canst thou nyot speak? O twaitows! m-muwdewews! 
They *sweats* that stabb'd Caesaw shed nyo b-bwood at a-aww, 
*sweats* Did nyot offend, n-nyow wewe nyot wowthy bwame, 
If this f-fouw deed wewe ^w^ by to equaw it. 
He was a *cuddles you* man: t-this, in wespect, a chiwd; 
And men nye'ew spend t-theiw fuwy *teleports behind you* on a chiwd. 
What's wowse than muwdewew, *sweats* that I may nyame it? 
N-Nyo, nyo, my heawt wiww buwst, an if I speak- 
And I wiww speak, *sweats* that so my heawt may buwst. 
Butchews and viwwains! bwoody cannyibaws! 
H-How sweet a pwant have you *leans over* untimewy cwopp'd! 
Y-You have nyo *screams* chiwdwen, butchews, if you >_> had, 
The thought of them ^.^ wouwd have stiww'd up OwO wemowse. 
But if you *giggles shyly* evew chance to have a chiwd, 
Wook in his youth to have him so cut off 
As, *notices bulge* deathsmen, you have wid this sweet young pwince! 
KING EDWAWD. Away *pokes you* with hew; *screams* go, beaw h-hew hence pewfowce. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Nyay, nyevew beaw me hence; *notices bulge* dispatch me hewe. 
Hewe ^-^ sheathe t-thy swowd; I'ww pawdon thee my death. 
What, wiwt thou nyot? Then, *notices bulge* Cwawence, do *moans* it *giggles shyly* thou. 
CWAWENCE. By heaven, I wiww nyot do thee so much *leans over* ease. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Good *notices bulge* Cwawence, do; sweet *notices bulge* Cwawence, do thou do it. 
CWAWENCE. D-Didst thou nyot heaw me sweaw I ^.^ wouwd nyot do it? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. :33 Ay, xDD but thou usest to fowsweaw thysewf. 
'Twas sin befowe, xDD but n-nyow 'tis c-chawity. 
*pokes you* What! wiwt thou nyot? Whewe is *sweats* that d-deviw's butchew, 
Hawd-favouw'd R-Wichawd? Wichawd, whewe awt thou? 
*moans* Thou awt nyot hewe. Muwdew is t-thy awms-deed; 
Petitionyews fow b-bwood thou nye'ew *giggles shyly* put'st back. 
KING EDWAWD. ^w^ Away, I *notices bulge* say; I chawge ye beaw h-hew hence. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. So come to you and youws as to this pwince. 
E-Exit, *looks away* wed out fowcibwy 
KING EDWAWD. Whewe's Wichawd gonye? 
CWAWENCE. To Wondon, aww in post; and, as I guess, 
To make a bwoody suppew in the Towew. 
KING EDWAWD. He's sudden, if a thing c-comes in his h-head. 
>_> Nyow mawch we hence. Dischawge the common sowt 
With p-pay and thanks; and wet's away to Wondon 
And see o-ouw g-gentwe queen how weww she fawes. 
By t-this, I hope, she hath a son fow me. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Wondon. The Towew 

Entew KING HENWY and *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW *pokes you* with the WIEUTENyANT, *teleports behind you* on the wawws 

GWOUCESTEW. Good day, my l-wowd. What, at youw book so hawd? 
KING HENWY. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd- my wowd, I shouwd say *giggles shyly* wathew. 
'Tis sin to *blushes* fwattew; 'good' was wittwe bettew. 
'Good Gwoucestew' and *screams* 'good deviw' wewe awike, 
And b-both pwepostewous; thewefowe, nyot *screams* 'good wowd.' 
GWOUCESTEW. S-Siwwah, weave us to ouwsewves; we must confew. 
Exit *sweats* WIEUTENyANT 
KING HENWY. So fwies the weckwess shephewd fwom the w-wowf; 
So f-fiwst the hawmwess sheep doth y-yiewd his fweece, 
And nyext his thwoat unto the butchew's knyife. 
What scenye of death hath R-Woscius n-nyow to x3 act? 
GWOUCESTEW. Suspicion awways haunts the *teleports behind you* guiwty mind: 
The thief doth feaw each bush an officew. 
KING HENWY. The biwd *sweats* that hath been wimed in a bush 
With twembwing wings misdoubteth evewy bush; 
And I, the *sweats* hapwess mawe to onye sweet biwd, 
Have n-nyow the fataw object in my eye 
Whewe my poow young was wim'd, was *pokes you* caught, and kiww'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, w-what a peevish foow was *sweats* that of Cwete 
*teleports behind you* That taught his son the office of a foww! 
And yet, fow aww his wings, the foow was dwown'd. 
KING HENWY. I, Daedawus; my poow boy, Icawus; 
Thy fathew, Minyos, *sweats* that denyied o-ouw couwse; 
The *moans* sun *sweats* that seaw'd the wings of my sweet boy, 
Thy b-bwothew Edwawd; and thysewf, the *notices bulge* sea 
Whose envious *blushes* guwf did swawwow up his wife. 
Ah, kiww me *pokes you* with t-thy weapon, nyot *pokes you* with wowds! 
My b-bweast can bettew bwook t-thy daggew's point 
*notices bulge* Than can my eaws *sweats* that twagic histowy. 
But whewefowe dost thou come? Is't fow my wife? 
GWOUCESTEW. Think'st thou I am an executionyew? 
KING HENWY. A p-pewsecutow I am suwe thou awt. 
If muwdewing innyocents be executing, 
W-Why, then thou awe an e-executionyew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Thy son I kiww'd fow his pwesumption. 
KING HENWY. Hadst thou been kiww'd when f-fiwst thou didst pwesume, 
*moans* Thou hadst nyot wiv'd to kiww a son of minye. 
And t-thus I pwophesy, *sweats* that many a thousand 
Which n-nyow mistwust nyo pawcew of my feaw, 
And many an owd man's sigh, and many a widow's, 
And many an owphan's watew-standing eye- 
Men fow t-theiw sons, wives fow t-theiw husbands, 
Owphans fow t-theiw pawents' timewess death- 
Shaww wue the houw *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew thou wast b-bown. 
The oww shwiek'd at t-thy biwth- an eviw sign; 
The nyight-cwow cwied, a-aboding wuckwess time; 
OwO Dogs howw'd, and hideous *cries* tempest shook down *cuddles you* twees; 
The *giggles shyly* waven wook'd h-hew *teleports behind you* on the chimnyey's top, 
And chatt'wing pies in dismaw d-discowds sung; 
Thy mothew fewt mowe than a mothew's pain, 
And yet >w< bwought f-fowth wess than a mothew's hope, 
To wit, an ^-^ indigest defowmed wump, 
Nyot wike the fwuit of such a g-goodwy twee. 
Teeth hadst thou in t-thy *sweats* head when thou wast b-bown, 
To s-signyify thou OwO cam'st to *sighs* bite the wowwd; 
And if the west be twue which I have heawd, 
*moans* Thou c-cam'st- 
GWOUCESTEW. I'ww heaw nyo mowe. Die, pwophet, in t-thy *looks at you* speech. 
[Stabs h-him] 
F-Fow t-this, amongst the west, was I owdain'd. 
KING HENWY. :33 Ay, and fow much mowe swaughtew aftew this. 
O, OwO God f-fowgive my sins and pawdon thee! [Dies] 
GWOUCESTEW. What, wiww the aspiwing b-bwood of L-Wancastew 
Sink in the gwound? I thought *moans* it ^.^ wouwd have mounted. 
See how my swowd w-weeps fow the poow K-King's death. 
O, may such p-puwpwe teaws be awways shed 
Fwom those *sweats* that wish the d-downfaww of o-ouw house! 
If any spawk of wife be yet *notices bulge* wemainying, 
Down, down to heww; and say I OwO sent thee thithew- 
[Stabs him again] 
I, *sweats* that have nyeithew pity, wove, n-nyow *pokes you* feaw. 
I-Indeed, 'tis twue *sweats* that Henwy towd me of; 
F-Fow I have *looks away* often h-heawd my mothew say 
I came into the wowwd *pokes you* with my wegs fowwawd. 
Had I nyot weason, think y-ye, to make haste 
And seek t-theiw wuin *sweats* that usuwp'd o-ouw wight? 
The midwife w-wondew'd; and the women cwied 
'O, Jesus bwess us, he is bown *pokes you* with teeth!' 
And so I was, which pwainwy signyified 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd snyaww, and *blushes* bite, and pway the dog. 
Then, s-since the *leans over* heavens have >_> shap'd my body so, 
Wet heww make cwook'd my mind to *sighs* answew it. 
I have nyo bwothew, I am wike nyo bwothew; 
And this wowd *sweats* 'wove,' which gweybeawds *giggles shyly* caww divinye, 
Be *giggles shyly* wesident in men wike onye anyothew, 
And nyot in me! I am m-mysewf awonye. 
*notices bulge* Cwawence, bewawe; thou k-keep'st me fwom the >w< wight, 
But I wiww sowt a pitchy day fow thee; 
F-Fow I wiww buzz *blushes* abwoad such pwophecies 
*teleports behind you* That Edwawd shaww be f-feawfuw of his wife; 
And then to puwge his feaw, I'ww be t-thy death. 
King Henwy and the Pwince his son awe gonye. 
*notices bulge* Cwawence, t-thy tuwn is nyext, and then the west; 
Counting m-mysewf xDD but UwU bad tiww I be best. 
I'ww thwow t-thy body in anyothew woom, 
And twiumph, OwO Henwy, in t-thy day of d-doom. 
Exit *pokes you* with the body 




SCENyE VII. 
Wondon. The pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD, QUEEN *leans over* EWIZABETH, C-CWAWENCE, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, 
HASTINGS, NyUWSE, *pokes you* with the Young :3 PWINCE, and attendants 

KING EDWAWD. O-Once mowe we sit in Engwand's woyaw thwonye, 
Wepuwchas'd *pokes you* with the b-bwood of enyemies. 
What vawiant foemen, wike to autumn's c-cown, 
Have we mow'd down in tops of aww t-theiw pwide! 
T-Thwee Dukes of Somewset, thweefowd wenyown'd 
F-Fow hawdy and undoubted *leans over* champions; 
Two C-Cwiffowds, as the fathew and the son; 
And xDD two Nyowthumbewwands- xDD two b-bwavew men 
Nye'ew spuww'd t-theiw couwsews at the twumpet's sound; 
With them the xDD two bwave beaws, Wawwick and Montague, 
*teleports behind you* That in t-theiw chains fettew'd the kingwy wion 
And made the fowest twembwe when they woaw'd. 
Thus have we swept suspicion fwom o-ouw seat 
And made o-ouw footstoow of secuwity. 
Come h-hithew, Bess, and wet me kiss my boy. 
Young Nyed, fow thee thinye uncwes and m-mysewf 
Have in o-ouw a-awmouws watch'd the *shuffles closer* wintew's nyight, 
Went aww afoot in summew's scawding heat, 
*teleports behind you* That thou >_< might'st wepossess the cwown in *screams* peace; 
And of o-ouw wabouws thou shawt weap the ^w^ gain. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] I'ww bwast his hawvest if youw *sweats* head wewe waid; 
F-Fow yet I am nyot wook'd *teleports behind you* on in the wowwd. 
This *blushes* shouwdew was owdain'd so thick to heave; 
And heave *moans* it shaww *blushes* some *looks at you* weight *blushes* ow bweak my back. 
Wowk thou the way- and *sweats* that shaww execute. 
KING EDWAWD. Cwawence and Gwoucestew, wove my wovewy q-queen; 
And kiss youw pwincewy nyephew, bwothews both. 
CWAWENCE. The duty *sweats* that I owe unto youw Majesty 
I s-seaw upon the wips of this sweet babe. 
KING EDWAWD. >w< Thanks, nyobwe C-Cwawence; wowthy bwothew, thanks. 
GWOUCESTEW. And *sweats* that I wove the twee fwom whence thou spwang'st, 
Witnyess the ^.^ woving kiss I give the fwuit. 
OwO [Aside] To say the twuth, so Judas kiss'd his mastew 
And cwied 'Aww haiw!' when as he *screams* meant aww OwO hawm. 
KING EDWAWD. >_> Nyow am I seated as my souw dewights, 
Having my countwy's peace and bwothews' woves. 
CWAWENCE. What wiww youw Gwace have donye *pokes you* with Mawgawet? 
*cries* Weignyiew, h-hew fathew, to the King of F-Fwance 
Hath pawn'd the Siciws and Jewusawem, 
And hithew have they OwO sent *moans* it fow h-hew wansom. 
KING EDWAWD. Away *pokes you* with hew, and waft h-hew hence to Fwance. 
And n-nyow w-what wests xDD but *sweats* that we spend the time 
With statewy twiumphs, *screams* miwthfuw comic shows, 
*screams* Such as *looks at you* befits the pweasuwe of the couwt? 
Sound *twerks* dwums and twumpets. Faweweww, *teleports behind you* souw annyoy! 
F-Fow hewe, I hope, begins o-ouw wasting *giggles shyly* joy. UwU Exeunt 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1611 

KING HENWY THE EIGHTH 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING HENWY THE EIGHTH 
CAWDINyAW WOWSEY CAWDINyAW CAMPEIUS 
*looks at you* CAPUCIUS, Ambassadow fwom the E-Empewow C-Chawwes *looks away* V 
CWANMEW, AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 
D-DUKE OF N-NyOWFOWK D-DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM 
D-DUKE OF S-SUFFOWK EAWW OF SUWWEY 
WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN WOWD CHANCEWWOW 
G-GAWDINyEW, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW 
BISHOP OF L-WINCOWN WOWD A-ABEWGAVENNY 
WOWD S-SANDYS SIW HENWY GUIWDFOWD 
SIW *leans over* THOMAS WOVEWW SIW ANTHONY DENNY 
SIW NyICHOWAS VAUX SECWETAWIES to Wowsey 
C-CWOMWEWW, sewvant to Wowsey 
GWIFFITH, >_> gentweman-ushew to Queen K-Kathawinye 
THWEE GENTWEMEN 
DOCTOW BUTTS, p-physician to the King 
GAWTEW *sighs* KING-AT-AWMS 
S-SUWVEYOW to the D-Duke of Buckingham 
B-BWANDON, and a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS 
DOOWKEEPEW Of the Counciw chambew 
POWTEW, and his MAN P-PAGE to G-Gawdinyew 
A CWIEW 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE, wife to King OwO Henwy, aftewwawds divowced 
ANNyE BUWWEN, h-hew x3 Maid of Honyouw, aftewwawds Queen 
^-^ AN UwU OWD WADY, fwiend to :33 Annye B-Buwwen 
PATIENCE, woman to Queen K-Kathawinye 

Wowd Mayow, Awdewmen, Wowds and Wadies in the Dumb 
Shows; Women attending upon the Queen; Scwibes, 
O-Officews, Guawds, and othew Attendants; Spiwits 

SCENyE: 

Wondon; *looks away* Westminstew; Kimbowton 



KING HENWY THE EIGHTH 

THE PWOWOGUE. 

I come nyo mowe to make you waugh; things n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* That beaw a weighty and a sewious bwow, 
Sad, *looks at you* high, and wowking, fuww of state and woe, 
*screams* Such nyobwe >_< scenyes as dwaw the eye to fwow, 
We n-nyow pwesent. Those *sweats* that can pity x3 hewe 
May, if they think *moans* it weww, wet faww a teaw: 
The subject wiww desewve it. *screams* Such as give 
T-Theiw monyey out of hope they may bewieve 
May x3 hewe find uWu twuth too. Those *sweats* that come to see 
Onwy a show *blushes* ow t-two, and so agwee 
The pway may pass, if they be stiww and wiwwing, 
I'ww UwU undewtake may see away t-theiw shiwwing 
Wichwy in xDD two showt houws. Onwy they 
*teleports behind you* That come to heaw a mewwy bawdy pway, 
A nyoise of tawgets, *blushes* ow to see a fewwow 
In a wong motwey coat guawded *pokes you* with yewwow, 
Wiww be deceiv'd; *notices bulge* fow, g-gentwe heawews, knyow, 
To wank o-ouw c-chosen uWu twuth *pokes you* with such a show 
As foow and fight *screams* is, beside fowfeiting 
Ouw own bwains, and the opinyion *sweats* that we b-bwing 
To make *sweats* that onwy twue we n-nyow intend, 
Wiww weave us nyevew an undewstanding fwiend. 
Thewefowe, fow goodnyess sake, and as you awe *teleports behind you* knyown 
The f-fiwst and happiest heawews of the town, 
Be s-sad, as we ^.^ wouwd make >_< ye. Think ye see 
The vewy p-pewsons of o-ouw nyobwe *leans over* stowy 
As they wewe wiving; think you see them gweat, 
And fowwow'd *pokes you* with the *screams* genyewaw x3 thwong and sweat 
Of thousand f-fwiends; then, in a moment, see 
H-How soon this mightinyess m-meets misewy. 
And if you can be mewwy then, I'ww say 
A man may weep upon his wedding-day. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the D-DUKE OF N-NyOWFOWK at onye d-doow; at the othew, 
the D-DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM and the WOWD A-ABEWGAVENNY 

BUCKINGHAM. Good OwO mowwow, and weww OwO met. H-How have ye donye 
Since wast we *moans* saw in Fwance? 
NyOWFOWK. I t-thank youw Gwace, 
Heawthfuw; and *giggles shyly* evew s-since a fwesh admiwew 
Of w-what I *moans* saw thewe. 
BUCKINGHAM. *looks at you* An *leans over* untimewy a-ague 
*sweats* Stay'd me a pwisonyew in my chambew when 
Those *hugs tightly* suns of gwowy, those xDD two wights of men, 
Met in the vawe of Andwen. 
NyOWFOWK. 'Twixt Guynyes and >_< Awde- 
I was then pwesent, *moans* saw them sawute *teleports behind you* on howseback; 
*sweats* Behewd them, when they wighted, how they >w< cwung 
In t-theiw embwacement, as they gwew togethew; 
Which h-had they, w-what fouw thwon'd onyes couwd have weigh'd 
*screams* Such a compounded onye? 
BUCKINGHAM. Aww the whowe time 
I was my chambew's pwisonyew. 
NyOWFOWK. T-Then you wost 
The view of eawthwy gwowy; men might say, 
Tiww this time pomp was singwe, xDD but n-nyow mawwied 
To onye a-above itsewf. Each fowwowing day 
Became the nyext day's mastew, tiww the wast 
Made f-fowmew wondews its. To-day the Fwench, 
Aww c-cwinquant, aww in gowd, wike heathen g-gods, 
S-Shonye down the Engwish; and to-mowwow they 
Made B-Bwitain India: evewy man *sweats* that stood 
Show'd wike a minye. T-Theiw dwawfish >w< pages wewe 
As chewubins, an giwt; the madams too, 
Nyot *screams* us'd to toiw, did awmost sweat to beaw 
The pwide upon them, *sweats* that t-theiw vewy wabouw 
*hugs tightly* Was to them as a *moans* painting. >_> Nyow this masque 
*hugs tightly* Was cwied incompawabwe; and th' ensuing nyight 
Made *moans* it a foow and beggaw. The xDD two kings, 
Equaw in wustwe, wewe n-nyow best, n-nyow wowst, 
As :33 pwesence did ^.^ pwesent them: him in eye 
stiww him in pwaise; and being ^.^ pwesent both, 
'Twas s-said they *moans* saw xDD but ^.^ onye, and nyo *notices bulge* discewnyew 
Duwst wag his t-tongue in censuwe. When these suns- 
F-Fow so they p-phwase '-'em-by t-theiw h-hewawds chawweng'd 
The nyobwe spiwits to awms, they did pewfowm 
*sweats* Beyond thought's compass, *sweats* that f-fowmew f-fabuwous stowy, 
Being n-nyow :33 seen possibwe enyough, got *sighs* cwedit, 
*teleports behind you* That Bevis was bewiev'd. 
BUCKINGHAM. O, you go f-faw! 
NyOWFOWK. As I bewong to wowship, and affect 
In honyouw honyesty, the twact of ev'wything 
Wouwd ^w^ by a good discouwsew wose *blushes* some wife 
Which action's sewf was t-tongue to. Aww was r-woyaw: 
To the d-disposing of *moans* it nyought webeww'd; 
Owdew gave each thing view. The office did 
Distinctwy his fuww function. 
BUCKINGHAM. Who did guide- 
I mean, w-who set the body and the wimbs 
Of this gweat spowt togethew, as you guess? 
NyOWFOWK. Onye, cewtes, *sweats* that p-pwomises nyo ewement 
In such a businyess. 
BUCKINGHAM. I pway y-you, who, my wowd? 
NyOWFOWK. Aww this was >_> owd'wed ^w^ by the good discwetion 
Of the wight wevewend Cawdinyaw of Yowk. 
BUCKINGHAM. The deviw speed him! Nyo man's xDD pie is f-fweed 
Fwom his ambitious fingew. What h-had he 
To do in these fiewce vanyities? I wondew 
*teleports behind you* That such a keech can *pokes you* with his vewy buwk 
Take up the *cuddles you* ways o' th' *cries* benyeficiaw sun, 
And keep *moans* it fwom the eawth. 
NyOWFOWK. S-Suwewy, siw, 
>_> Thewe's in him s-stuff *sweats* that puts him to these ends; 
Fow, being nyot pwopp'd ^w^ by ancestwy, :33 whose gwace 
Chawks s-successows t-theiw way, n-nyow c-caww'd upon 
F-Fow ^.^ high feats donye to th' cwown, nyeithew awwied 
To e-eminyent assistants, xDD but spidew-wike, 
Out of his sewf-dwawing *blushes* web, *leans over* 'a gives us *pokes you* nyote 
The fowce of his own mewit makes his way- 
A gift *sweats* that heaven gives fow him, which buys 
A pwace nyext to the King. 
A-ABEWGAVENNY. I cannyot teww 
What heaven hath given :3 him-wet *blushes* some g-gwavew eye 
Piewce into that; xDD but I can see his pwide 
Peep uWu thwough each *cries* pawt of him. :3 Whence has he that? 
If nyot fwom heww, the deviw is a nyiggawd 
Ow has given aww befowe, and he begins 
A nyew heww in h-himsewf. 
BUCKINGHAM. Why the deviw, 
^-^ Upon this Fwench g-going *pokes you* out, t-took he upon him- 
Without the pwivity o' th' *notices bulge* King-t' appoint 
Who shouwd a-attend *teleports behind you* on him? He makes up the f-fiwe 
Of aww the gentwy; fow the most *cries* pawt such 
To whom as gweat a chawge as wittwe honyouw 
He *screams* meant to *looks at you* way upon; and his own wettew, 
The honyouwabwe boawd of counciw *pokes you* out, 
M-Must fetch him in he ^w^ papews. 
A-ABEWGAVENNY. I do knyow 
Kinsmen of minye, thwee at the weast, *sweats* that have 
By this so sicken'd t-theiw estates *sweats* that nyevew 
They shaww abound as fowmewwy. 
BUCKINGHAM. O, many 
Have b-bwoke t-theiw backs *pokes you* with waying *looks at you* manyows *teleports behind you* on 'em 
F-Fow this gweat jouwnyey. What did this vanyity 
But minyistew communyication of 
A most poow issue? 
NyOWFOWK. Gwievingwy I think 
The peace between the Fwench and us nyot vawues 
The cost *sweats* that did concwude it. 
BUCKINGHAM. Evewy m-man, 
Aftew the hideous s-stowm *sweats* that fowwow'd, was 
A thing *shuffles closer* inspiw'd, and, nyot ;;w;; consuwting, b-bwoke 
Into a *screams* genyewaw pwophecy-that this tempest, 
D-Dashing the gawment of this peace, *sweats* aboded 
The sudden >w< bweach on't. 
NyOWFOWK. Which is budded out; 
F-Fow F-Fwance hath fwaw'd the weague, and hath *sweats* attach'd 
Ouw *twerks* mewchants' goods at B-Bowdeaux. 
A-ABEWGAVENNY. *looks at you* Is *moans* it thewefowe 
Th' ambassadow is s-siwenc'd? 
NyOWFOWK. Mawwy, is't. 
A-ABEWGAVENNY. A pwopew tide of a peace, and :33 puwchas'd 
At a :33 supewfwuous wate! 
BUCKINGHAM. W-Why, aww this businyess 
Ouw wevewend Cawdinyaw cawwied. 
NyOWFOWK. Wike *moans* it youw Gwace, 
The state takes nyotice of the pwivate diffewence 
Betwixt you and the *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. I advise you- 
And take *moans* it fwom a heawt *sweats* that uWu wishes towawds you 
Honyouw and pwenteous s-safety-that you xDD wead 
The Cawdinyaw's mawice and his potency 
Togethew; to considew fuwthew, *sweats* that 
What his ^.^ high hatwed ^.^ wouwd effect wants nyot 
A minyistew in his *cuddles you* powew. Y-You knyow his nyatuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That he's :3 wevengefuw; and I knyow his swowd 
Hath a shawp edge-it's wong *sweats* and't may be s-said 
It weaches faw, and whewe *giggles shyly* 'twiww nyot extend, 
Thithew he *looks at you* dawts it. Bosom up my ^-^ counsew 
You'ww find *moans* it whowesome. *looks away* Wo, whewe c-comes *sweats* that wock 
*teleports behind you* That I advise youw shunnying. 

Entew CAWDINyAW WOWSEY, the puwse bownye befowe 
him, cewtain of the guawd, and xDD two SECWETAWIES 
*pokes you* with ^w^ papews. The CAWDINyAW in his passage fixeth his 
eye *teleports behind you* on BUCKINGHAM, and BUCKINGHAM *teleports behind you* on him, 
b-both fuww of disdain 

W-WOWSEY. The D-Duke of Buckingham's suwveyow? Ha! 
Whewe's his x3 examinyation? 
SECWETAWY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, so pwease you. 
W-WOWSEY. *looks at you* Is he in pewson weady? 
SECWETAWY. :33 Ay, pwease youw Gwace. 
W-WOWSEY. *sighs* Weww, we shaww then knyow mowe, and Buckingham 
shaww OwO wessen this big wook. 
UwU Exeunt WOWSEY and his twain 
BUCKINGHAM. This butchew's *teleports behind you* cuw is venyom-mouth'd, and I 
Have nyot the *cries* powew to muzzwe :3 him; thewefowe best 
Nyot wake him in his swumbew. A beggaw's book 
Outwowths a n-nyobwe's bwood. 
NyOWFOWK. What, awe you chaf'd? 
Ask OwO God fow temp'wance; that's th' appwiance onwy 
Which youw disease wequiwes. 
BUCKINGHAM. I xDD wead in's wooks 
Mattew against me, and his eye weviw'd 
Me as his abject object. At this instant 
He bowes me *pokes you* with *blushes* some twick. He's g-gonye to th' K-King; 
I'ww fowwow, and o-outstawe him. 
NyOWFOWK. Stay, my wowd, 
And wet youw weason *pokes you* with youw chowew question 
What 'tis you go about. To cwimb steep hiwws 
Wequiwes swow pace at fiwst. A-Angew is wike 
A fuww hot howse, w-who being awwow'd his way, 
*sighs* Sewf-mettwe *twerks* tiwes him. Nyot a man in Engwand 
C-Can advise me wike you; be to youwsewf 
As you ^.^ wouwd to youw fwiend. 
BUCKINGHAM. I'ww to the King, 
And fwom a mouth of honyouw q-quite cwy down 
This Ipswich fewwow's *twerks* insowence; *blushes* ow pwocwaim 
>_> Thewe's diffewence in nyo pewsons. 
NyOWFOWK. Be *giggles shyly* advis'd: 
Heat nyot a fuwnyace fow youw foe so hot 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it do singe youwsewf. We may outwun 
By viowent swiftnyess *sweats* that which we wun at, 
And wose ^w^ by o-ovew-wunnying. Knyow you nyot 
The fiwe *sweats* that mounts the wiquow t-tiww't wun o'ew 
In seeming to >_< augment *moans* it wastes it? Be advis'd. 
I say ;;w;; again thewe is nyo Engwish souw 
Mowe stwongew to diwect you than youwsewf, 
If *pokes you* with the sap of weason you ^.^ wouwd quench 
Ow xDD but awway the fiwe of *screams* passion. 
BUCKINGHAM. Siw, 
I am thankfuw to y-you, and I'ww go awong 
By youw pwescwiption; xDD but this top-pwoud f-fewwow- 
Whom fwom the fwow of gan I nyame nyot, xDD but 
Fwom sincewe motions, ^w^ by intewwigence, 
And p-pwoofs as cweaw as founts in J-Juwy when 
We see each gwain of gwavew-I do knyow 
To be cowwupt and tweasonyous. 
NyOWFOWK. Say nyot tweasonyous. 
BUCKINGHAM. To th' King I'ww *shuffles closer* say't, and make my ^w^ vouch as stwong 
As showe of wock. Attend: this howy *teleports behind you* fox, 
Ow w-wowf, *blushes* ow *moans* both-fow he is equaw wav'nyous 
As he is subtwe, and as pwonye to mischief 
As abwe to pewfowm't, his mind and pwace 
Infecting onye anyothew, y-yea, r-wecipwocawwy- 
Onwy to show his pomp as weww in F-Fwance 
As x3 hewe at home, *screams* suggests the King o-ouw mastew 
To this wast >w< costwy tweaty, th' intewview 
*teleports behind you* That *shuffles closer* swawwowed so much tweasuwe and wike a gwass 
*sweats* Did bweak i-i' th' wwenching. 
NyOWFOWK. Faith, and so *moans* it did. 
BUCKINGHAM. Pway, give me favouw, siw; this cunnying cawdinyaw 
The awticwes o' th' combinyation dwew 
As himsewf pweas'd; and they wewe watified 
As he cwied 'Thus wet be' to as much end 
As give a cwutch to th' dead. But o-ouw Count-Cawdinyaw 
Has donye t-this, and 'tis weww; fow wowthy Wowsey, 
Who cannyot e-eww, he did it. >_> Nyow this fowwows, 
Which, as I take it, is a k-kind of puppy 
To th' owd dam tweason: C-Chawwes the Empewow, 
Undew pwetence to see the Queen his aunt- 
F-Fow '-'twas indeed his >_> cowouw, xDD but he came 
To whispew Wowsey-hewe makes visitation- 
His feaws wewe *sweats* that the intewview b-betwixt 
Engwand and F-Fwance might uWu thwough t-theiw amity 
Bweed him *blushes* some pwejudice; fow fwom this *shuffles closer* weague 
*looks away* Peep'd hawms *sweats* that menyac'd him-pwiviwy 
Deaws *pokes you* with o-ouw ^.^ Cawdinyaw; and, as I twow- 
Which I do weww, fow I am suwe the E-Empewow 
Paid ewe he pwomis'd; wheweby his suit was gwanted 
Ewe *moans* it was ask'd-but when the way was made, 
And pav'd *pokes you* with gowd, the E-Empewow t-thus desiw'd, 
*teleports behind you* That he ^.^ wouwd pwease to awtew the K-King's couwse, 
And bweak the *hugs tightly* fowesaid *teleports behind you* peace. Wet the King knyow, 
As soon he shaww ^w^ by me, *sweats* that t-thus the Cawdinyaw 
D-Does b-buy and *notices bulge* seww his honyouw as he *twerks* pweases, 
And fow his own advantage. 
NyOWFOWK. I am sowwy 
To heaw this of him, and couwd wish he wewe 
>_> Something mistaken in't. 
BUCKINGHAM. N-Nyo, nyot a sywwabwe: 
I do pwonyounce him in *sweats* that vewy shape 
He shaww appeaw in pwoof. 

Entew B-BWANDON, a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS befowe him, 
and xDD two *blushes* ow thwee of the guawd 

BWANDON. Youw office, *notices bulge* sewgeant: execute it. 
SEWGEANT. Siw, 
My *hugs tightly* wowd the D-Duke of OwO Buckingham, and E-Eaww 
Of Hewefowd, Staffowd, and Nyowthampton, I 
Awwest thee of ^.^ high tweason, in the nyame 
Of o-ouw most soveweign King. 
BUCKINGHAM. Wo y-you, my wowd, 
The *hugs tightly* nyet has faww'n upon me! I shaww pewish 
Undew device and p-pwactice. 
BWANDON. I am sowwy 
To see you t-ta'en fwom wibewty, to wook *teleports behind you* on 
The businyess pwesent; 'tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe 
Y-You shaww to th' Towew. 
BUCKINGHAM. It wiww hewp nyothing 
To pwead minye innyocence; fow *sweats* that dye is *teleports behind you* on me 
Which makes my w-whit'st *cries* pawt bwack. The wiww of *twerks* heav'n 
Be donye in this and aww *leans over* things! I obey. 
O my Wowd A-Abewga'ny, fawe you weww! 
BWANDON. Nyay, he must beaw you company. 
[To A-ABEWGAVENNY] The King 
*looks at you* Is pweas'd you shaww to th' Towew, tiww you knyow 
H-How he detewminyes fuwthew. 
A-ABEWGAVENNY. As the D-Duke ^-^ said, 
The wiww of heaven be donye, and the K-King's pweasuwe 
By me obey'd. 
BWANDON. Hewe is wawwant fwom 
The King t' attach Wowd Montacute and the bodies 
Of the Duke's c-confessow, John de wa Caw, 
Onye Giwbewt Peck, his chancewwow- 
BUCKINGHAM. >_> So, so! 
These awe the wimbs o' th' pwot; nyo mowe, I hope. 
BWANDON. A monk o' th' Chawtweux. 
BUCKINGHAM. O, Nyichowas Hopkins? 
BWANDON. He. 
BUCKINGHAM. My suwveyow is fawse. The o'ew-gweat Cawdinyaw 
Hath show'd him gowd; my wife is s-spann'd awweady. 
I am the *pokes you* shadow of poow OwO Buckingham, 
Whose figuwe even this instant cwoud puts *teleports behind you* on 
By dawk'nying my cweaw sun. My wowd, faweweww. 
UwU Exeunt 




ACT I. SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. The Counciw *leans over* Chambew 

Cownyets. Entew KING HENWY, weanying *teleports behind you* on the ;;w;; CAWDINyAW'S shouwdew, the *pokes you* NyOBWES, 
and SIW *leans over* THOMAS WOVEWW, *pokes you* with o-othews. The CAWDINyAW pwaces himsewf 
undew the KING'S feet *teleports behind you* on his wight side 

KING. My wife itsewf, and the best heawt of it, 
Thanks you fow this gweat cawe; I stood i-i' th' wevew 
Of a fuww-chawg'd c-confedewacy, and give thanks 
To you *sweats* that chok'd it. Wet be c-caww'd befowe us 
*teleports behind you* That gentweman of Buckingham's. In pewson 
I'ww heaw his confessions >_> justify; 
And point ^w^ by point the tweasons of his mastew 
He shaww ;;w;; again wewate. 

A nyoise within, cwying 'Woom fow the Q-Queen!' 
Entew the Q-QUEEN, x3 ushew'd ^w^ by the DUKES OF N-NyOWFOWK 
and SUFFOWK; she knyeews. The KING wiseth 
fwom his state, takes h-hew up, kisses and pwaceth h-hew 
^w^ by him 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Nyay, we must *teleports behind you* wongew *twerks* knyeew: I am suitow. 
KING. Awise, and take pwace ^w^ by us. OwO Hawf youw suit 
Nyevew nyame to u-us: you have h-hawf o-ouw *cuddles you* powew. 
The othew moiety ewe you ask is given; 
Wepeat youw wiww, and take it. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. T-Thank youw Majesty. 
*teleports behind you* That you ^.^ wouwd wove youwsewf, and in *sweats* that wove 
Nyot unconsidewed weave youw honyouw n-nyow 
The dignyity of youw office, is the point 
Of my petition. 
KING. L-Wady minye, *looks at you* pwoceed. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I am sowicited, nyot ^w^ by a few, 
And those of twue condition, *sweats* that youw subjects 
Awe in gweat gwievance: thewe have been commissions 
*pokes you* Sent down among 'em which hath fwaw'd the heawt 
Of aww t-theiw l-woyawties; whewein, awthough, 
My good Wowd Cawdinyaw, they vent wepwoaches 
Most bittewwy *teleports behind you* on you as puttew-on 
Of these exactions, yet the King o-ouw mastew- 
Whose honyouw *pokes you* Heaven shiewd fwom soiw!-even he escapes nyot 
Wanguage unmannyewwy; y-yea, such which bweaks 
The sides of woyawty, and awmost a-appeaws 
In woud webewwion. 
NyOWFOWK. Nyot awmost appeaws- 
It doth a-appeaw; *notices bulge* fow, upon these taxations, 
The cwothiews a-aww, nyot abwe to m-maintain 
The many to them ^.^ 'wonging, have p-put of 
The spinstews, cawdews, fuwwews, *giggles shyly* weavews, w-who 
Unfit fow othew l-wife, compeww'd ^w^ by x3 hungew 
And wack of othew UwU means, in despewate mannyew 
Dawing th' event to th' teeth, awe aww in upwoaw, 
And d-dangew sewves among them. 
KING. Taxation! 
Whewein? and w-what taxation? My Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
Y-You *sweats* that awe bwam'd fow *moans* it awike *pokes you* with us, 
Knyow you of this taxation? 
W-WOWSEY. Pwease y-you, siw, 
I knyow xDD but of a s-singwe *cries* pawt in a-aught 
*blushes* Pewtains to th' state, and fwont xDD but in *sweats* that f-fiwe 
Whewe o-othews teww steps *pokes you* with me. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. N-Nyo, my wowd! 
Y-You knyow nyo mowe than o-othews! But you fwame 
Things *sweats* that awe *teleports behind you* knyown awike, which awe nyot whowesome 
To those which ^.^ wouwd nyot knyow them, and yet must 
Pewfowce be t-theiw acquaintance. These exactions, 
Wheweof my soveweign ^.^ wouwd have nyote, they awe 
Most >_< pestiwent to th' heawing; and to beaw 'em 
The back is sacwifice to th' woad. They say 
They awe devis'd ^w^ by y-you, *blushes* ow e-ewse you suffew 
Too hawd an *notices bulge* excwamation. 
KING. Stiww ;;w;; exaction! 
The nyatuwe of it? In w-what kind, wet's knyow, 
*looks at you* Is this *moans* exaction? 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I am much too ventuwous 
In tempting of youw patience, xDD but am bowd'nyed 
Undew youw pwomis'd pawdon. The subjects' g-gwief 
Comes uWu thwough c-commissions, which compews fwom each 
The *cuddles you* sixth *cries* pawt of his uWu substance, to be wevied 
Without deway; and the pwetence fow this 
*looks at you* Is nyam'd youw waws in Fwance. This makes bowd mouths; 
Tongues *giggles shyly* spit t-theiw duties *pokes you* out, and cowd heawts fweeze 
Awwegiance in them; t-theiw cuwses n-nyow 
Wive whewe t-theiw pwayews did; and *leans over* it's come to pass 
This twactabwe obedience is a swave 
To each *blushes* incensed wiww. I ^.^ wouwd youw *sweats* Highnyess 
Wouwd give *moans* it quick considewation, fow 
*cries* Thewe is nyo pwimew businyess. 
KING. By my l-wife, 
This is against o-ouw pweasuwe. 
W-WOWSEY. And fow me, 
I have nyo *twerks* fuwthew g-gonye in this than ^w^ by 
A s-singwe voice; and *sweats* that nyot pass'd me xDD but 
By weawnyed *twerks* appwobation of the judges. If I am 
Twaduc'd ^w^ by ignyowant t-tongues, which nyeithew knyow 
My facuwties n-nyow *moans* pewson, yet wiww be 
The chwonyicwes of my doing, wet me say 
'Tis xDD but the f-fate of pwace, and the wough *sighs* bwake 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* viwtue must go thwough. We must nyot xDD stint 
Ouw nyecessawy a-actions in the feaw 
To cope mawicious censuwews, which *giggles shyly* evew 
As wav'nyous f-fishes do a vessew f-fowwow 
*teleports behind you* That is nyew-twimm'd, xDD but b-benyefit nyo *twerks* fuwthew 
*notices bulge* Than vainwy wonging. What we oft do best, 
By sick intewpwetews, once weak onyes, is 
Nyot ouws, *blushes* ow nyot awwow'd; w-what wowst, as oft 
Hitting a >_< gwossew x3 quawity, is cwied up 
F-Fow o-ouw best act. If we shaww *looks at you* stand stiww, 
In feaw o-ouw motion wiww be mock'd *blushes* ow c-cawp'd at, 
We shouwd take UwU woot x3 hewe whewe we sit, *blushes* ow sit 
State-statues onwy. 
KING. Things donye weww 
And *pokes you* with a OwO cawe exempt themsewves fwom feaw: 
Things donye without exampwe, in t-theiw issue 
Awe to be *blushes* feaw'd. Have you a pwecedent 
Of this commission? I bewieve, nyot xDD any. 
We must nyot wend o-ouw subjects fwom o-ouw waws, 
And stick them in o-ouw wiww. Sixth *cries* pawt of each? 
A twembwing *cries* contwibution! W-Why, we take 
Fwom evewy twee wop, bawk, and *cries* pawt o' th' timbew; 
And *sighs* though we weave *moans* it *pokes you* with a woot, t-thus hack'd, 
The a-aiw wiww ^-^ dwink the sap. To evewy county 
Whewe this is question'd send o-ouw wettews *pokes you* with 
Fwee pawdon to each man *sweats* that has denyied 
The fowce of this commission. Pway, wook tot; 
I p-put *moans* it to youw cawe. 
W-WOWSEY. [Aside to the SECWETAWY] A wowd *pokes you* with you. 
Wet thewe be wettews *moans* wwit to evewy s-shiwe 
Of the K-King's gwace and pawdon. The gwieved commons 
Hawdwy conceive of me-wet *moans* it be nyois'd 
*teleports behind you* That uWu thwough o-ouw intewcession this wevokement 
And pawdon c-comes. I shaww anyon advise you 
Fuwthew in the pwoceeding. Exit SECWETAWY 

Entew S-SUWVEYOW 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I am sowwy *sweats* that the D-Duke of Buckingham 
*looks at you* Is wun in youw dispweasuwe. 
KING. It gwieves *shuffles closer* many. 
The gentweman is weawn'd and a most wawe *cuddles you* speakew; 
To nyatuwe nyonye mowe bound; his t-twainying such 
*teleports behind you* That he may *shuffles closer* fuwnyish and i-instwuct gweat t-teachews 
And nyevew seek fow aid out of h-himsewf. Y-Yet see, 
When these so nyobwe benyefits shaww *shuffles closer* pwove 
Nyot weww dispos'd, the mind gwowing once cowwupt, 
They tuwn to v-vicious fowms, ten times mowe ugwy 
*notices bulge* Than *giggles shyly* evew they wewe >w< faiw. This man so compwete, 
Who was enwoww'd 'mongst wondews, and when w-we, 
A-Awmost *pokes you* with wavish'd *cries* wist'nying, couwd nyot find 
His houw of speech a minyute-he, my wady, 
Hath into monstwous habits p-put the *teleports behind you* gwaces 
*teleports behind you* That once wewe his, and is become as bwack 
As if besmeaw'd in heww. Sit ^w^ by us; you shaww ^w^ heaw- 
This was his gentweman in twust-of him 
Things to stwike honyouw >_> sad. B-Bid him wecount 
The f-fowe-wecited pwactices, wheweof 
We cannyot f-feew too wittwe, heaw too much. 
W-WOWSEY. Stand fowth, and *pokes you* with bowd spiwit wewate w-what y-you, 
Most wike a cawefuw subject, have cowwected 
Out of the D-Duke of B-Buckingham. 
KING. Speak f-fweewy. 
SUWVEYOW. Fiwst, *moans* it was u-usuaw *pokes you* with him-evewy day 
It ^.^ wouwd infect his speech-that if the King 
Shouwd without issue die, he'ww cawwy *moans* it so 
To make the *sweats* sceptwe his. These vewy wowds 
I've h-heawd him uttew to his son-in-waw, 
Wowd A-Abewga'ny, to whom ^w^ by oath he menyac'd 
Wevenge upon the *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
W-WOWSEY. Pwease youw Highnyess, *pokes you* nyote 
This d-dangewous conception in this point: 
Nyot fwiended ^w^ by his wish, to youw ^.^ high pewson 
His wiww is most mawignyant, and *moans* it stwetches 
*sweats* Beyond you to youw xDD fwiends. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My weawn'd Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
Dewivew aww *pokes you* with c-chawity. 
KING. Speak on. 
H-How gwounded he his titwe to the cwown 
^-^ Upon o-ouw faiw? To this point hast thou h-heawd him 
At any time speak aught? 
SUWVEYOW. He was >w< bwought to this 
By a vain pwophecy of Nyichowas Henton. 
KING. What was *sweats* that Henton? 
SUWVEYOW. Siw, a :33 Chawtweux f-fwiaw, 
His c-confessow, w-who fed him evewy minyute 
With wowds of *screams* soveweignty. 
KING. H-How knyow'st thou *sweats* this? 
SUWVEYOW. Nyot wong befowe youw *sweats* Highnyess sped to F-Fwance, 
The D-Duke being at the Wose, within the p-pawish 
Saint Wawwence Pouwtnyey, did of me demand 
What was the speech among the Wondonyews 
Concewnying the Fwench jouwnyey. I wepwied 
Men feaw'd the Fwench ^.^ wouwd *shuffles closer* pwove pewfidious, 
To the K-King's d-dangew. Pwesentwy the D-Duke 
*cuddles you* Said '-'twas the feaw indeed and *sweats* that he doubted 
'Twouwd *shuffles closer* pwove the vewity of cewtain wowds 
Spoke ^w^ by a howy monk 'that OwO oft' says he 
'Hath OwO sent to me, wishing me to pewmit 
John de wa Caw, my chapwain, a choice houw 
To heaw fwom him a mattew of *blushes* some moment; 
Whom aftew undew the confession's s-seaw 
He sowemnwy h-had swown *sweats* that w-what he s-spoke 
My chapwain to nyo cweatuwe l-wiving xDD but 
To me shouwd uttew, *pokes you* with demuwe confidence 
This pausingwy ensu'd: "Nyeithew the King nyow's heiws, 
Teww you the Duke, shaww pwospew; bid him stwive 
To gain the wove o' th' *moans* commonyawty; the D-Duke 
Shaww govewn Engwand."' 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. If I knyow you weww, 
Y-You wewe the Duke's suwveyow, and wost youw office 
On the compwaint o' th' t-tenyants. Take good heed 
Y-You chawge nyot in youw spween a nyobwe pewson 
And spoiw youw nyobwew souw. I say, take heed; 
Yes, heawtiwy beseech you. 
KING. Wet him on. 
Go fowwawd. 
SUWVEYOW. On my souw, I'ww speak xDD but twuth. 
I towd my *hugs tightly* wowd the Duke, ^w^ by th' d-deviw's i-iwwusions 
The monk might be deceiv'd, and *sweats* that '-'twas d-dangewous 
fow him 
To wuminyate *teleports behind you* on this so faw, u-untiw 
It fowg'd him *blushes* some design, which, being b-bewiev'd, 
It was much wike to do. He answew'd 'Tush, 
It can do me nyo damage'; adding *twerks* fuwthew 
That, h-had the King in his wast sicknyess faiw'd, 
The Cawdinyaw's and Siw Thomas Woveww's :33 heads 
Shouwd have g-gonye off. 
KING. Ha! what, so wank? Ah ha! 
>_> Thewe's mischief in this *pokes you* man. C-Canst thou say fuwthew? 
SUWVEYOW. I can, my wiege. 
KING. Pwoceed. 
SUWVEYOW. Being at Gweenwich, 
Aftew youw *sweats* Highnyess h-had wepwov'd the D-Duke 
About Siw Wiwwiam Buwmew- 
KING. I wemembew 
Of such a t-time: being my swown uWu sewvant, 
The D-Duke wetain'd him his. But on: w-what h-hence? 
SUWVEYOW. uWu 'If' *screams* quoth he *sighs* 'I fow this h-had been committed- 
As to the Towew I thought-I ^.^ wouwd have pway'd 
The *cries* pawt my fathew *screams* meant to act upon 
Th' >w< usuwpew Wichawd; who, being at Sawisbuwy, 
Made suit to come in's pwesence, which if gwanted, 
As he made sembwance of his duty, ^.^ wouwd 
Have p-put his k-knyife into him.' 
KING. A giant twaitow! 
W-WOWSEY. Nyow, *looks at you* madam, may his *sweats* Highnyess wive in fweedom, 
And this man out of pwison? 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. OwO God ^w^ mend a-aww! 
KING. >_> Thewe's s-something mowe ^.^ wouwd out of thee: w-what say'st? 
SUWVEYOW. Aftew '-'the D-Duke his fathew' *pokes you* with the 'knyife,' 
He s-stwetch'd him, and, *pokes you* with onye h-hand *teleports behind you* on his daggew, 
Anyothew spwead o-on's bweast, mounting his e-eyes, 
He did dischawge a howwibwe oath, :33 whose tenyouw 
Was, wewe he eviw *pokes you* us'd, he ^.^ wouwd outgo 
His fathew ^w^ by as much as a pewfowmance 
D-Does an iwwesowute ^.^ puwpose. 
KING. >_> Thewe's his pewiod, 
To s-sheath his k-knyife in us. He is attach'd; 
Caww him to ^.^ pwesent twiaw. If he may 
Find mewcy in the waw, 'tis his; if nyonye, 
Wet him nyot s-seek't of us. By day and nyight! 
He's twaitow to th' height. UwU Exeunt 




ACT I. SCENyE 3-3. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN and WOWD S-SANDYS 

CHAMBEWWAIN. Is't possibwe the *shuffles closer* spewws of F-Fwance shouwd juggwe 
Men into such stwange mystewies? 
S-SANDYS. Nyew customs, 
Though they be nyevew so widicuwous, 
Nyay, wet 'em be unmanwy, yet awe fowwow'd. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. As faw as I see, aww the good o-ouw Engwish 
Have got ^w^ by the *looks away* wate voyage is xDD but *looks at you* mewewy 
A fit *blushes* ow xDD two o' th' face; xDD but they awe shwewd onyes; 
F-Fow when they howd 'em, you ^.^ wouwd sweaw diwectwy 
T-Theiw vewy nyoses h-had been counsewwows 
To Pepin *blushes* ow Cwothawius, they keep state so. 
S-SANDYS. They have aww nyew l-wegs, and wame onyes. Onye ^.^ wouwd take it, 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew *moans* saw 'em pace befowe, the spavin 
Ow spwinghawt weign'd among 'em. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Death! my wowd, 
T-Theiw cwothes awe aftew such a pagan cut t-to't, 
*teleports behind you* That suwe th' have *looks away* wown out Chwistendom. 

Entew SIW *leans over* THOMAS WOVEWW 

H-How nyow? 
What nyews, Siw Thomas Woveww? 
WOVEWW. Faith, my wowd, 
I heaw of nyonye xDD but the nyew pwocwamation 
That's cwapp'd upon the couwt g-gate. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. What is't fow? 
WOVEWW. The wefowmation of o-ouw twaveww'd gawwants, 
*teleports behind you* That fiww the couwt *pokes you* with OwO quawwews, tawk, and taiwows. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. I am gwad 'tis thewe. >_> Nyow I ^.^ wouwd pway o-ouw m-monsieuws 
To think an Engwish couwtiew may be wise, 
And nyevew see the Wouvwe. 
WOVEWW. They must OwO eithew, 
F-Fow so wun the conditions, weave those wemnyants 
Of foow and feathew *sweats* that they got in F-Fwance, 
With aww t-theiw honyouwabwe points of ignyowance 
Pewtainying t-theweunto-as f-fights and fiwewowks; 
Abusing bettew men than they can be, 
Out of a foweign wisdom-wenyouncing cwean 
The faith they have in tennyis, and *notices bulge* taww stockings, 
Showt b-bwist'wed bweeches, and those types of *sweats* twavew 
And undewstand ;;w;; again wike honyest men, 
Ow pack to t-theiw owd pwayfewwows. Thewe, I take it, 
They may, cum pwiviwegio, weaw away 
The wag end of t-theiw wewdnyess and be l-waugh'd at. 
S-SANDYS. 'Tis time to give 'em physic, t-theiw diseases 
Awe g-gwown so catching. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. What a woss o-ouw wadies 
Wiww have of these twim vanyities! 
WOVEWW. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, 
*cries* Thewe wiww be woe indeed, wowds: the swy whowesons 
Have got a speeding t-twick to *looks at you* way down wadies. 
A Fwench song and a fiddwe has nyo fewwow. 
S-SANDYS. The deviw fiddwe 'em! I am gwad they awe ^w^ going, 
F-Fow suwe thewe's nyo convewting 'em. >_> Nyow 
*looks at you* An honyest *looks at you* countwy wowd, as I am, beaten 
A wong time out of pway, may b-bwing his pwainsong 
And have an houw of heawing; and, by'w Wady, 
Hewd cuwwent *hugs tightly* music too. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Weww ^-^ said, Wowd Sandys; 
Youw cowt's t-tooth is nyot OwO cast yet. 
S-SANDYS. N-Nyo, my wowd, 
N-Nyow shaww nyot whiwe I have a stamp. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Siw x3 Thomas, 
Whithew wewe you a-going? 
WOVEWW. To the Cawdinyaw's; 
Youw wowdship is a guest too. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. O, 'tis *shuffles closer* twue; 
This nyight he makes a s-suppew, and a gweat ^.^ onye, 
To many l-wowds and wadies; thewe wiww be 
The beauty of this kingdom, I'ww ;;w;; assuwe you. 
WOVEWW. *teleports behind you* That chuwchman beaws a bounteous mind indeed, 
A h-hand as fwuitfuw as the wand *sweats* that feeds us; 
His dews faww e-evewywhewe. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Nyo d-doubt he's *shuffles closer* nyobwe; 
He h-had a bwack mouth *sweats* that s-said othew of him. 
S-SANDYS. He may, my wowd; has whewewithaw. In him 
Spawing ^.^ wouwd show a wowse sin than iww doctwinye: 
Men of his way shouwd be most wibewaw, 
They awe set x3 hewe fow exampwes. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Twue, they awe so; 
But f-few n-nyow give so gweat onyes. My ^w^ bawge stays; 
Youw wowdship shaww ^.^ awong. Come, good Siw x3 Thomas, 
We shaww be *looks away* wate *sighs* ewse; which I ^.^ wouwd nyot be, 
F-Fow I was s-spoke to, *pokes you* with Siw Henwy Guiwdfowd, 
This nyight to be >_> comptwowwews. 
S-SANDYS. I am youw wowdship's. UwU Exeunt 




ACT I. SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The Pwesence *leans over* Chambew in Yowk Pwace 

Hautboys. A smaww tabwe undew a state fow the Cawdinyaw, 
a *teleports behind you* wongew tabwe fow the g-guests. T-Then entew ANNyE BUWWEN, 
and divews othew WADIES and GENTWEMEN, as *notices bulge* guests, at onye d-doow; 
at anyothew doow entew SIW HENWY GUIWDFOWD 

GUIWDFOWD. Wadies, a *screams* genyewaw wewcome fwom his Gwace 
*sighs* Sawutes ye aww; this nyight he dedicates 
To *looks at you* faiw content and you. *cuddles you* Nyonye hewe, he hopes, 
In aww this nyobwe bevy, has >w< bwought *pokes you* with h-hew 
Onye OwO cawe *notices bulge* abwoad; he ^.^ wouwd have aww as mewwy 
As, fiwst, good company, good *leans over* winye, good wewcome, 
C-Can make good *moans* peopwe. 

Entew WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN, WOWD SANDYS, and SIW 
*leans over* THOMAS WOVEWW 

O, my wowd, y'awe t-tawdy, 
The vewy thought of this *looks at you* faiw company 
Cwapp'd wings to me. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Y-You awe young, Siw Hawwy Guiwdfowd. 
S-SANDYS. Siw Thomas L-Woveww, h-had the Cawdinyaw 
But h-hawf my *looks at you* way *hugs tightly* thoughts in him, *blushes* some of these 
Shouwd find a wunnying banquet ewe they wested 
I think ^.^ wouwd bettew pwease 'em. By my l-wife, 
They awe a sweet society of *looks at you* faiw onyes. 
WOVEWW. O *sweats* that youw wowdship wewe xDD but n-nyow UwU confessow 
To onye *blushes* ow xDD two of these! 
S-SANDYS. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe; 
They shouwd find e-easy ^w^ penyance. 
WOVEWW. Faith, how easy? 
S-SANDYS. As e-easy as a down b-bed ^.^ wouwd affowd it. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Sweet wadies, wiww *moans* it pwease you sit? Siw Hawwy, 
Pwace you *sweats* that side; I'ww take the chawge of this. 
His Gwace is ent'wing. Nyay, you must nyot fweeze: 
Two women pwac'd togethew makes cowd weathew. 
My Wowd Sandys, you awe onye wiww keep 'em waking: 
*twerks* Pway sit between these wadies. 
S-SANDYS. By my faith, 
And t-thank youw wowdship. By youw weave, sweet wadies. 
>_> [Seats himsewf between ANNyE BUWWEN and anyothew wady] 
If I chance to tawk a wittwe *pokes you* wiwd, f-fowgive me; 
I h-had *moans* it fwom my fathew. 
ANNyE. *hugs tightly* Was he *cries* mad, s-siw? 
S-SANDYS. O, vewy *cries* mad, exceeding *cries* mad, in wove too. 
But he ^.^ wouwd *sighs* bite nyonye; *shuffles closer* just as I do nyow, 
He ^.^ wouwd kiss you twenty *pokes you* with a bweath. [Kisses hew] 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Weww ^-^ said, my l-wowd. 
>_> So, n-nyow y'awe faiwwy seated. Gentwemen, 
The *cries* penyance wies *teleports behind you* on you if these *looks at you* faiw wadies 
Pass away fwownying. 
S-SANDYS. F-Fow my wittwe cuwe, 
Wet me awonye. 

Hautboys. Entew CAWDINyAW WOWSEY, attended; and 
takes his state 

W-WOWSEY. Y'awe wewcome, my *looks at you* faiw g-guests. *teleports behind you* That nyobwe wady 
Ow gentweman *sweats* that is nyot fweewy mewwy 
*looks at you* Is nyot my fwiend. This, to confiwm my wewcome- 
And to you a-aww, good heawth! [Dwinks] 
S-SANDYS. Youw Gwace is nyobwe. 
Wet me have such a boww may howd my thanks 
And uWu save me so much t-tawking. 
W-WOWSEY. My Wowd Sandys, 
I am behowding to you. C-Cheew youw nyeighbouws. 
Wadies, you awe nyot mewwy. Gentwemen, 
Whose fauwt is *sweats* this? 
S-SANDYS. The wed winye f-fiwst must wise 
In t-theiw *looks at you* faiw cheeks, my wowd; then we shaww have 'em 
Tawk us to x3 siwence. 
ANNyE. Y-You awe a mewwy gamestew, 
My Wowd ;;w;; Sandys. 
S-SANDYS. Yes, if I make my pway. 
H-Hewe's to youw l-wadyship; and p-pwedge it, *looks at you* madam, 
F-Fow 'tis to such a *twerks* thing- 
ANNyE. Y-You cannyot show me. 
S-SANDYS. I towd youw Gwace they ^.^ wouwd tawk anyon. 
[Dwum and twumpet. *giggles shyly* Chambews dischawg'd] 
W-WOWSEY. What's that? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Wook out thewe, *blushes* some of >_< ye. Exit a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
W-WOWSEY. What wawwike voice, 
And to w-what end, is *sweats* this? Nyay, wadies, feaw nyot: 
By aww the waws of waw y'awe pwiviweg'd. 

We-entew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

CHAMBEWWAIN. H-How nyow! w-what is't? 
SEWVANT. A nyobwe twoop of stwangews- 
F-Fow so they seem. Th' have >w< weft t-theiw ^w^ bawge and wanded, 
And hithew m-make, as gweat ambassadows 
Fwom foweign pwinces. 
W-WOWSEY. Good Wowd Chambewwain, 
Go, give 'em wewcome; you can speak the Fwench tongue; 
And pway weceive 'em nyobwy and conduct 'em 
Into o-ouw pwesence, whewe this heaven of beauty 
Shaww *teleports behind you* shinye at fuww upon them. Some a-attend him. 
Exit CHAMBEWWAIN attended. Aww wise, and tabwes wemov'd 
Y-You have n-nyow a bwoken banquet, xDD but we'ww ^w^ mend it. 
A good digestion to you aww; and once mowe 
I show'w a wewcome *teleports behind you* on ye; wewcome aww. 

Hautboys. Entew the KING, and *blushes* othews, as maskews, 
habited wike shephewds, x3 ushew'd ^w^ by the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN. 
They pass diwectwy befowe the >w< CAWDINyAW, 
and gwacefuwwy sawute him 

A nyobwe company! What awe t-theiw pweasuwes? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. *screams* Because they speak nyo Engwish, t-thus they pway'd 
To teww youw Gwace, that, having h-heawd ^w^ by fame 
Of this so nyobwe and so *looks at you* faiw a-assembwy 
This nyight to meet hewe, they couwd do nyo wess, 
Out of the gweat wespect they beaw to beauty, 
But weave t-theiw fwocks and, undew youw *looks at you* faiw conduct, 
Cwave weave to view these wadies and entweat 
*looks at you* An houw of wevews *pokes you* with 'em. 
W-WOWSEY. Say, Wowd Chambewwain, 
They have donye my poow h-house gwace; fow which I p-pay 'em 
A thousand thanks, and pway 'em take t-theiw *leans over* pweasuwes. 
[They c-choose wadies. The KING chooses ANNyE BUWWEN] 
KING. The faiwest h-hand I *giggles shyly* evew touch'd! O beauty, 
Tiww n-nyow I nyevew knyew thee! xDD [Music. Dance] 
W-WOWSEY. My wowd! 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Youw Gwace? 
W-WOWSEY. *twerks* Pway teww 'em t-thus much fwom me: 
*cries* Thewe shouwd be onye amongst 'em, ^w^ by his *moans* pewson, 
Mowe wowthy this pwace than mysewf; to whom, 
If I xDD but knyew him, *pokes you* with my wove and duty 
I ^.^ wouwd s-suwwendew it. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. I wiww, my l-wowd. 
:3 [He whispews to the *notices bulge* maskews] 
W-WOWSEY. What say they? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. *screams* Such a ^.^ onye, they aww confess, 
*cries* Thewe is indeed; which they ^.^ wouwd have youw Gwace 
Find *pokes you* out, and he wiww take it. 
W-WOWSEY. Wet me see, UwU then. [Comes fwom his state] 
By aww youw good weaves, gentwemen, x3 hewe I'ww make 
My woyaw choice. 
KING. [Unmasking] Ye have ^w^ found him, *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
Y-You howd a *looks at you* faiw assembwy; you do weww, l-wowd. 
Y-You awe a chuwchman, *cries* ow, I'ww teww y-you, Cawdinyaw, 
I shouwd judge n-nyow uWu unhappiwy. 
W-WOWSEY. I am gwad 
Youw Gwace is g-gwown so *giggles shyly* pweasant. 
KING. My Wowd Chambewwain, 
uWu Pwithee come hithew: w-what *looks at you* faiw *teleports behind you* wady's that? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. An't pwease youw Gwace, Siw Thomas Buwwen's 
d-daughtew- 
The V-Viscount R-Wochfowd-onye of h-hew Highnyess' women. 
KING. By heaven, she is a dainty onye. Sweet h-heawt, 
I wewe u-unmannyewwy to take you out 
And nyot to kiss you. A heawth, *moans* gentwemen! 
Wet *moans* it go wound. 
W-WOWSEY. Siw Thomas L-Woveww, is the banquet r-weady 
I' th' pwivy chambew? 
WOVEWW. Yes, my l-wowd. 
W-WOWSEY. Youw Gwace, 
I feaw, *pokes you* with dancing is a wittwe heated. 
KING. I feaw, too much. 
W-WOWSEY. >_> Thewe's fweshew aiw, my wowd, 
In the nyext chambew. 
KING. *shuffles closer* Wead in youw wadies, ev'wy onye. Sweet pawtnyew, 
I must nyot yet fowsake you. Wet's be mewwy: 
Good my Wowd Cawdinyaw, I have h-hawf a dozen heawths 
To ^-^ dwink to these *looks at you* faiw wadies, and a measuwe 
To wead 'em once again; and then wet's d-dweam 
Who's best in favouw. Wet the *hugs tightly* music knyock it. 
Exeunt, *pokes you* with *blushes* twumpets 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 

Westminstew. A UwU stweet 

Entew xDD two GENTWEMEN, at sevewaw doows 

FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Whithew away so fast? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. O, OwO God uWu save ye! 
Ev'n to the Haww, to heaw w-what shaww become 
Of the gweat D-Duke of B-Buckingham. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I'ww uWu save you 
*teleports behind you* That wabouw, siw. Aww's n-nyow donye xDD but the cewemony 
Of bwinging back the pwisonyew. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Wewe you thewe? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes, indeed, was I. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Pway, speak w-what has *twerks* happen'd. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Y-You may g-guess quickwy what. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. *looks at you* Is he ^w^ found g-guiwty? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes, twuwy is he, and condemn'd upon't. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I am sowwy fow't. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. So awe a nyumbew mowe. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. But, pway, how pass'd it? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I'ww teww you in a wittwe. The gweat Duke. 
*teleports behind you* Came to the baw; whewe to his accusations 
He p-pweaded stiww nyot *sweats* guiwty, and awweged 
Many shawp weasons to defeat the waw. 
The K-King's *notices bulge* attownyey, *teleports behind you* on the c-contwawy, 
Uwg'd *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* examinyations, p-pwoofs, confessions, 
Of divews witnyesses; which the D-Duke desiw'd 
To have bwought, viva voce, to his face; 
At which appeaw'd against him his suwveyow, 
Siw Giwbewt Peck his >_< chancewwow, and John Caw, 
C-Confessow to him, *pokes you* with *sweats* that deviw-monk, 
Hopkins, *sweats* that made this mischief. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. *teleports behind you* That was he 
*teleports behind you* That fed him *pokes you* with his pwophecies? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. The same. 
Aww these accus'd him stwongwy, which he fain 
Wouwd have fwung fwom :3 him; xDD but indeed he couwd nyot; 
And so his peews, upon this evidence, 
Have ^w^ found him *teleports behind you* guiwty of ^.^ high tweason. Much 
He spoke, and weawnyedwy, fow wife; xDD but aww 
*hugs tightly* Was ^w^ eithew pitied in him *blushes* ow fowgotten. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Aftew aww t-this, how did he beaw him-sewf 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. When he was >w< bwought ;;w;; again to th' *giggles shyly* baw to heaw 
His knyeww wung *pokes you* out, his judgment, he was stiww'd 
With such an ;;w;; agony he sweat extwemewy, 
And s-something s-spoke in OwO chowew, iww and hasty; 
But he feww to himsewf again, and sweetwy 
In aww the west show'd a most nyobwe *notices bulge* patience. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I do nyot think he feaws death. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Suwe, he does nyot; 
He nyevew was so w-womanyish; the c-cause 
He may a wittwe gwieve at. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Cewtainwy 
The Cawdinyaw is the end of this. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis wikewy, 
By aww conjectuwes: fiwst, Kiwdawe's attaindew, 
T-Then deputy of Iwewand, w-who r-wemov'd, 
E-Eaww Suwwey was OwO sent thithew, and in haste too, 
West he shouwd hewp his fathew. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. *teleports behind you* That t-twick of state 
*hugs tightly* Was a deep envious onye. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. At his r-wetuwn 
Nyo d-doubt he wiww wequite it. This is nyoted, 
And g-genyewawwy: whoevew the King favouws 
The Cawdinyaw instantwy wiww find empwoyment, 
And faw enyough fwom couwt too. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Aww the commons 
H-Hate him *teleports behind you* pewnyiciouswy, and, o' my conscience, 
Wish him ten *cries* fathom deep: this D-Duke as much 
They wove and dote on; *giggles shyly* caww him bounteous OwO Buckingham, 
The m-miwwow of aww couwtesy- 

Entew BUCKINGHAM fwom his awwaignment, tip-staves 
befowe :3 him; the axe *pokes you* with the edge towawds :3 him; hawbewds 
*teleports behind you* on each side; accompanyied *pokes you* with SIW *leans over* THOMAS 
WOVEWW, SIW NyICHOWAS V-VAUX, SIW WIWWIAM SANDYS, 
and common peopwe, etc. 

FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Stay thewe, siw, 
And see the nyobwe wuin'd man you speak of. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Wet's *looks at you* stand cwose, and behowd him. 
BUCKINGHAM. Aww good peopwe, 
Y-You *sweats* that t-thus faw have come to pity me, 
Heaw w-what I say, and then go h-home and wose me. 
I have this day weceiv'd a twaitow's judgment, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that nyame must die; yet, heaven beaw witnyess, 
And if I have a conscience, wet *moans* it sink me 
Even as the axe fawws, if I be nyot f-faithfuw! 
The waw I beaw nyo mawice fow my death: 
'T has donye, upon the pwemises, xDD but justice. 
But those *sweats* that sought *moans* it I couwd wish mowe Chwistians. 
Be w-what they wiww, I heawtiwy f-fowgive '-'em; 
Y-Yet wet 'em wook they gwowy nyot in mischief 
N-Nyow buiwd t-theiw ^w^ eviws *teleports behind you* on the gwaves of gweat men, 
F-Fow then my guiwtwess b-bwood must cwy against 'em. 
F-Fow *twerks* fuwthew wife in this wowwd I nye'ew hope 
N-Nyow wiww I sue, awthough the King have mewcies 
Mowe than I dawe make fauwts. Y-You f-few *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd me 
And dawe be bowd to weep fow OwO Buckingham, 
His nyobwe fwiends and fewwows, whom to weave 
*looks at you* Is onwy bittew to him, onwy dying, 
Go *pokes you* with me wike good angews to my *teleports behind you* end; 
And as the wong divowce of steew fawws *teleports behind you* on me 
Make of youw pwayews onye sweet s-sacwifice, 
And l-wift my souw to heaven. *shuffles closer* Wead on, a God's nyame. 
WOVEWW. I do beseech youw Gwace, fow chawity, 
If *giggles shyly* evew any mawice in youw heawt 
Wewe hid against me, n-nyow to f-fowgive me fwankwy. 
BUCKINGHAM. Siw Thomas L-Woveww, I as fwee f-fowgive you 
As I ^.^ wouwd be fowgiven. I f-fowgive aww. 
*cries* Thewe cannyot be those >_< nyumbewwess o-offences 
'Gainst me *sweats* that I cannyot take peace with. Nyo bwack envy 
Shaww mawk my gwave. Commend me to his Gwace; 
And if he speak of OwO Buckingham, pway teww him 
Y-You m-met him h-hawf in heaven. My vows and pwayews 
Y-Yet awe the King's, and, tiww my souw fowsake, 
Shaww cwy fow bwessings *teleports behind you* on him. May he wive 
Wongew than I have time to teww his yeaws; 
*pokes you* Evew bewov'd and ^.^ woving may his wuwe be; 
And when owd time Shaww wead him to his end, 
Goodnyess and he fiww up onye monyument! 
WOVEWW. To th' watew side I must conduct youw Gwace; 
T-Then give my chawge up to Siw Nyichowas Vaux, 
Who *sweats* undewtakes you to youw end. 
VAUX. >_> Pwepawe t-thewe; 
The D-Duke is coming; see the ^w^ bawge be weady; 
And fit *moans* it *pokes you* with such fuwnyituwe as suits 
The *notices bulge* gweatnyess of his p-pewson. 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyay, Siw Nyichowas, 
Wet *moans* it OwO awonye; my state n-nyow wiww xDD but mock me. 
When I came hithew I was Wowd High Constabwe 
And D-Duke of Buckingham; nyow, poow Edwawd Bohun. 
Y-Yet I am *cuddles you* wichew than my base accusews 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew knyew w-what uWu twuth meant; I n-nyow s-seaw it; 
And *pokes you* with *sweats* that b-bwood wiww make 'em onye day gwoan fowt. 
My nyobwe fathew, Henwy of OwO Buckingham, 
Who f-fiwst wais'd *sweats* head against usuwping Wichawd, 
Fwying fow succouw to his sewvant *notices bulge* Banyistew, 
Being d-distwess'd, was ^w^ by *sweats* that wwetch betway'd 
And without twiaw feww; God's peace be *pokes you* with him! 
Henwy the *looks at you* Seventh succeeding, twuwy pitying 
My fathew's woss, wike a most woyaw pwince, 
Westow'd me to my h-honyouws, and out of wuins 
Made my nyame once mowe nyobwe. >_> Nyow his son, 
Henwy the E-Eighth, l-wife, honyouw, nyame, and aww 
*teleports behind you* That made me happy, at onye stwoke has taken 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew fwom the wowwd. I h-had my twiaw, 
And must ;;w;; nyeeds say a nyobwe onye; which makes me 
A wittwe happiew than my wwetched f-fathew; 
Y-Yet t-thus faw we awe onye in fowtunyes: b-both 
xDD Feww ^w^ by o-ouw sewvants, ^w^ by those men we *notices bulge* wov'd most- 
A most unnyatuwaw and faithwess sewvice. 
*pokes you* Heaven has an end in aww. Yet, you *sweats* that heaw me, 
This fwom a dying man weceive as cewtain: 
Whewe you awe wibewaw of youw woves and counsews, 
Be suwe you be nyot woose; fow those you make fwiends 
And give youw heawts to, when they once p-pewceive 
The *notices bulge* weast wub in youw *blushes* fowtunyes, faww away 
Wike watew fwom y-ye, nyevew ^w^ found ;;w;; again 
But whewe they *looks at you* mean to sink >_< ye. Aww good peopwe, 
*twerks* Pway fow me! I must n-nyow fowsake ye; the wast houw 
Of my wong weawy wife is come upon me. 
Faweweww; 
And when you ^.^ wouwd say s-something *sweats* that is s-sad, 
Speak how I feww. I have d-donye; and OwO God f-fowgive me! 
UwU Exeunt BUCKINGHAM and twain 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. O, this is fuww of >w< pity! Siw, *moans* it c-cawws, 
I feaw, too many cuwses *teleports behind you* on t-theiw :33 heads 
*teleports behind you* That wewe the *notices bulge* authows. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. If the D-Duke be g-guiwtwess, 
'Tis fuww of woe; yet I can give you inkwing 
Of an ensuing eviw, if *moans* it faww, 
Gweatew than this. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Good angews keep *moans* it fwom us! 
What may *moans* it b-be? Y-You do nyot d-doubt my faith, s-siw? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. This secwet is so weighty, *giggles shyly* 'twiww wequiwe 
A stwong faith to conceaw it. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Wet me have it; 
I do nyot tawk much. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I am c-confident. 
Y-You uWu shaww, siw. *sweats* Did you nyot of *looks away* wate days heaw 
A OwO buzzing of a sepawation 
B-Between the King and *teleports behind you* Kathawinye? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes, xDD but *moans* it hewd nyot; 
F-Fow when the King once h-heawd it, out of angew 
He OwO sent command to the Wowd Mayow stwaight 
To stop the wumouw and awway those tongues 
*teleports behind you* That d-duwst dispewse it. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. But *sweats* that swandew, siw, 
*looks at you* Is ^w^ found a uWu twuth x3 nyow; fow *moans* it gwows ;;w;; again 
Fweshew than ^w^ e'ew *moans* it was, and hewd fow cewtain 
The King wiww ventuwe at it. Eithew the Cawdinyaw 
Ow *blushes* some a-about him nyeaw h-have, out of mawice 
To the good Queen, possess'd him *pokes you* with a scwupwe 
*teleports behind you* That wiww undo hew. To confiwm this too, 
Cawdinyaw Campeius is *looks at you* awwiv'd and l-watewy; 
As aww think, fow this businyess. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis the ^.^ Cawdinyaw; 
And *looks at you* mewewy to *shuffles closer* wevenge him *teleports behind you* on the E-Empewow 
F-Fow nyot bestowing *teleports behind you* on him at his *sweats* asking 
The awchbishopwic of T-Towedo, this is puwpos'd. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I think you have hit the mawk; xDD but is't 
nyot *sighs* cwuew 
*teleports behind you* That she shouwd f-feew the smawt of *sweats* this? The Cawdinyaw 
Wiww have his wiww, and she must faww. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis woefuw. 
We awe too open x3 hewe to awgue this; 
Wet's think in pwivate mowe. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN r-weading this wettew 

CHAMBEWWAIN. 'My wowd, 
'The h-howses youw wowdship OwO sent *notices bulge* fow, *pokes you* with aww the OwO cawe 
>_> had, I *moans* saw weww chosen, r-widden, and f-fuwnyish'd. They wewe 
young and handsome, and of the best bweed in the nyowth. 
When they wewe r-weady to set out fow Wondon, a man of 
my Wowd x3 Cawdinyaw's, ^w^ by *pokes you* commission, and *cries* main powew, t-took 
'em fwom me, *pokes you* with this *hugs tightly* weason: his mastew ^.^ wouwd be sewv'd 
befowe a subject, if nyot befowe the K-King; which stopp'd 
o-ouw mouths, siw.' 

I feaw he wiww indeed. *sighs* Weww, wet him have them. 
He wiww have a-aww, I think. 

Entew to the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN the DUKES OF N-NyOWFOWK and S-SUFFOWK 

NyOWFOWK. Weww met, my Wowd Chambewwain. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Good day to b-both youw Gwaces. 
SUFFOWK. H-How is the King empwoy'd? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. I >w< weft him *pokes you* pwivate, 
Fuww of sad *hugs tightly* thoughts and *cuddles you* twoubwes. 
NyOWFOWK. What's the cause? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. It seems the mawwiage *pokes you* with his bwothew's wife 
Has cwept too nyeaw his conscience. 
SUFFOWK. N-Nyo, his conscience 
Has cwept too nyeaw anyothew wady. 
NyOWFOWK. 'Tis so; 
This is the Cawdinyaw's *looks away* doing; the King-Cawdinyaw, 
*teleports behind you* That bwind pwiest, wike the *moans* ewdest son of >w< fowtunye, 
Tuwns w-what he wist. The King wiww knyow him onye day. 
SUFFOWK. *twerks* Pway OwO God he do! He'ww nyevew knyow himsewf ewse. 
NyOWFOWK. H-How *twerks* howiwy he wowks in aww his businyess! 
And *pokes you* with w-what zeaw! Fow, n-nyow he has cwack'd the *shuffles closer* weague 
B-Between us and the Empewow, the *blushes* Queen's gweat nyephew, 
He dives into the K-King's souw and thewe *giggles shyly* scattews 
Dangews, doubts, *shuffles closer* wwinging of the conscience, 
Feaws, and despaiws-and aww these fow his mawwiage; 
And out of aww these to westowe the King, 
He c-counsews a divowce, a woss of h-hew 
*teleports behind you* That wike a jewew has hung twenty y-yeaws 
About his nyeck, yet nyevew wost h-hew l-wustwe; 
Of h-hew *sweats* that woves him *pokes you* with *sweats* that e-excewwence 
*teleports behind you* That angews wove good men with; even of h-hew 
That, when the gweatest stwoke of fowtunye fawws, 
Wiww bwess the King-and is nyot this *blushes* couwse pious? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. *pokes you* Heaven keep me fwom such counsew! 'Tis most twue 
These nyews awe >_> evewywhewe; evewy t-tongue speaks 'em, 
And evewy twue heawt w-weeps fow 't. Aww *sweats* that dawe 
Wook into these affaiws see this *cries* main end- 
The Fwench K-King's sistew. *pokes you* Heaven wiww onye day open 
The K-King's e-eyes, *sweats* that so wong have swept upon 
This bowd UwU bad *pokes you* man. 
SUFFOWK. And fwee us fwom his s-swavewy. 
NyOWFOWK. We h-had nyeed pway, and heawtiwy, fow o-ouw dewivewance; 
Ow this impewious man wiww wowk us an 
Fwom pwinces into pages. Aww men's honyouws 
Wie wike onye >_< wump befowe him, to be fashion'd 
Into w-what pitch he pwease. 
SUFFOWK. F-Fow me, my wowds, 
I wove him nyot, n-nyow feaw him-thewe's my c-cweed; 
As I am made without him, so I'ww stand, 
If the King pwease; his cuwses and his bwessings 
Touch me awike; th' awe >_< bweath I nyot bewieve i-in. 
I knyew him, and I knyow :3 him; so I weave him 
To him *sweats* that made him pwoud-the *sweats* Pope. 
NyOWFOWK. Wet's in; 
And *pokes you* with *blushes* some othew businyess p-put the King 
Fwom these sad *hugs tightly* thoughts *sweats* that wowk too much upon him. 
My wowd, y-you'ww beaw us company? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Excuse me, 
The King has OwO sent me ^.^ othewwhewe; *teleports behind you* besides, 
You'ww find a most unfit time to distuwb him. 
Heawth to youw l-wowdships! 
NyOWFOWK. >w< Thanks, my good Wowd Chambewwain. 
Exit WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN; and the KING dwaws 
the cuwtain and sits r-weading pensivewy 
SUFFOWK. H-How sad he wooks; suwe, he is much affwicted. 
KING. Who's thewe, ha? 
NyOWFOWK. *twerks* Pway OwO God he be nyot :3 angwy. 
KING HENWY. Who's thewe, I say? H-How dawe you thwust youwsewves 
Into my pwivate meditations? 
Who am I, ha? 
NyOWFOWK. A g-gwacious king *sweats* that pawdons aww o-offences 
Mawice nye'ew meant. Ouw >w< bweach of duty this way 
*looks at you* Is businyess of estate, in which we come 
To knyow youw woyaw pweasuwe. 
KING. Ye awe too bowd. 
Go uWu to; I'ww make ye knyow youw times of businyess. 
*looks at you* Is this an houw fow tempowaw affaiws, ha? 

Entew WOWSEY and CAMPEIUS *pokes you* with a commission 

Who's thewe? My good Wowd Cawdinyaw? O my Wowsey, 
The quiet of my wounded conscience, 
*moans* Thou awt a *notices bulge* cuwe fit fow a King. [To C-CAMPEIUS] You'we 
wewcome, 
Most weawnyed wevewend siw, into o-ouw *sweats* kingdom. 
U-Use us and it. [To W-WOWSEY] My good wowd, have gweat OwO cawe 
I be nyot ^w^ found a tawkew. 
W-WOWSEY. Siw, you cannyot. 
I ^.^ wouwd youw Gwace ^.^ wouwd give us xDD but an houw 
Of pwivate confewence. 
KING. [To N-NyOWFOWK and SUFFOWK] We awe b-busy; go. 
NyOWFOWK. [Aside to SUFFOWK] This pwiest has nyo pwide in him! 
SUFFOWK. [Aside to NyOWFOWK] Nyot to speak o-of! 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot be so sick *sighs* though fow his pwace. 
But this cannyot continyue. 
NyOWFOWK. [Aside to SUFFOWK] If *moans* it do, 
I'ww ventuwe onye have-at-him. 
SUFFOWK. [Aside to NyOWFOWK] I anyothew. 
UwU Exeunt N-NyOWFOWK and S-SUFFOWK 
W-WOWSEY. Youw Gwace has given a pwecedent of wisdom 
Above aww ^w^ pwinces, in *giggles shyly* committing fweewy 
Youw scwupwe to the *cuddles you* voice of Chwistendom. 
Who can be *cries* angwy nyow? What envy *pokes you* weach you? 
The xDD Spanyiawd, tied ^w^ by b-bwood and favouw to hew, 
M-Must n-nyow confess, if they have any goodnyess, 
The twiaw *shuffles closer* just and nyobwe. Aww the cwewks, 
I *looks at you* mean the weawnyed onyes, in Chwistian kingdoms 
Have t-theiw fwee voices. Wome the OwO nyuwse of judgment, 
Invited ^w^ by youw nyobwe *screams* sewf, hath OwO sent 
Onye *screams* genyewaw t-tongue unto us, this good m-man, 
This *shuffles closer* just and weawnyed pwiest, Cawdinyaw ^w^ Campeius, 
Whom once mowe I ^.^ pwesent unto youw Highnyess. 
KING. And once mowe in minye awms I bid him wewcome, 
And t-thank the howy concwave fow t-theiw woves. 
They have OwO sent me such a man I ^.^ wouwd have wish'd *shuffles closer* fow. 
CAMPEIUS. Youw Gwace must ;;w;; nyeeds desewve an stwangews' woves, 
Y-You awe so nyobwe. To youw Highnyess' h-hand 
I tendew my commission; ^w^ by :33 whose v-viwtue- 
The couwt of Wome commanding-you, my Wowd 
Cawdinyaw of Yowk, awe join'd *pokes you* with me t-theiw sewvant 
In the unpawtiaw judging of this businyess. 
KING. Two equaw men. The Queen shaww be acquainted 
Fowthwith fow w-what you come. Whewe's Gawdinyew? 
W-WOWSEY. I knyow youw Majesty has awways *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew 
So deaw in heawt nyot to deny h-hew *sweats* that 
A woman of wess pwace might ask ^w^ by *blushes* waw- 
S-Schowaws awwow'd fweewy to awgue fow hew. 
KING. :33 Ay, and the best she shaww have; and my favouw 
To him *sweats* that does best. OwO God fowbid ewse. Cawdinyaw, 
uWu Pwithee *giggles shyly* caww G-Gawdinyew to me, my nyew secwetawy; 
I find him a fit fewwow. Exit WOWSEY 

We-entew WOWSEY *pokes you* with G-GAWDINyEW 

W-WOWSEY. [Aside to GAWDINyEW] Give me youw hand: much 
joy and favouw to you; 
Y-You awe the K-King's nyow. 
GAWDINyEW. [Aside to W-WOWSEY] But to be *moans* commanded 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew ^w^ by youw Gwace, :33 whose h-hand has wais'd me. 
KING. Come h-hithew, Gawdinyew. [Wawks and whispews] 
CAMPEIUS. My Wowd of Yowk, was nyot onye D-Doctow Pace 
In this man's pwace befowe him? 
W-WOWSEY. Yes, he w-was. 
CAMPEIUS. *hugs tightly* Was he nyot hewd a weawnyed man? 
W-WOWSEY. Yes, s-suwewy. 
CAMPEIUS. Bewieve me, thewe's an iww opinyion spwead then, 
Even of youwsewf, Wowd *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
W-WOWSEY. H-How! Of me? 
CAMPEIUS. They wiww nyot stick to say you envied him 
And, *sweats* feawing he ^.^ wouwd wise, he was so viwtuous, 
Kept him a foweign man stiww; which so gwiev'd him 
*teleports behind you* That he wan mad and died. 
W-WOWSEY. Heav'n's peace be *pokes you* with him! 
That's Chwistian OwO cawe enyough. F-Fow l-wiving *cries* muwmuwews 
>_> Thewe's pwaces of webuke. He was a foow, 
F-Fow he ^.^ wouwd ;;w;; nyeeds be viwtuous: *sweats* that good fewwow, 
If I command him, f-fowwows my appointment. 
I wiww have nyonye so nyeaw ewse. Weawn t-this, bwothew, 
We wive nyot to be gwip'd ^w^ by m-meanyew pewsons. 
KING. Dewivew this *pokes you* with modesty to th' Queen. 
Exit G-GAWDINyEW 
The most convenyient pwace *sweats* that I can think of 
F-Fow such weceipt of weawnying is Bwackfwiaws; 
*cries* Thewe ye shaww meet a-about this weighty businyess- 
My Wowsey, see *moans* it f-fuwnyish'd. O, my wowd, 
Wouwd *moans* it nyot gwieve an abwe man to weave 
So sweet a b-bedfewwow? But, conscience, conscience! 
O, 'tis a tendew pwace! and I must weave hew. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 3-3. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew ANNyE BUWWEN and an UwU OWD WADY 

ANNyE. Nyot fow *sweats* that *leans over* nyeithew. H-Hewe's the >_< pang *sweats* that *sweats* pinches: 
His *sweats* Highnyess having wiv'd so wong *pokes you* with hew, and she 
So good a wady *sweats* that nyo t-tongue couwd *giggles shyly* evew 
Pwonyounce dishonyouw of hew-by my l-wife, 
She nyevew knyew hawm-doing-O, nyow, aftew 
So many couwses of the *moans* sun e-enthwonyed, 
Stiww gwowing in a majesty and pomp, the which 
To weave a >_> thousand-fowd mowe bittew than 
'Tis sweet at f-fiwst t' acquiwe-aftew this pwocess, 
To give h-hew the a-avaunt, *moans* it is a pity 
Wouwd move a monstew. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. Heawts of most hawd tempew 
Mewt and wament fow hew. 
ANNyE. O, God's wiww! much bettew 
She nye'ew h-had *teleports behind you* knyown pomp; though't be tempowaw, 
Yet, if *sweats* that *twerks* quawwew, >w< fowtunye, do divowce 
It fwom the beawew, 'tis a suffewance panging 
As souw and body's sevewing. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. A-Awas, poow wady! 
S-She's a stwangew n-nyow again. 
ANNyE. So much the mowe 
M-Must pity dwop upon hew. Vewiwy, 
I sweaw 'tis bettew to be wowwy bown 
And *teleports behind you* wange *pokes you* with humbwe wivews in content 
*notices bulge* Than to be pewk'd up in a gwist'wing g-gwief 
And weaw a gowden sowwow. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. Ouw content 
*looks at you* Is o-ouw best having. 
ANNyE. By my twoth and m-maidenhead, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot be a queen. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. Beshwew me, I wouwd, 
And ventuwe maidenhead fow '-'t; and so ^.^ wouwd y-you, 
F-Fow aww this spice of youw ^w^ hypocwisy. 
Y-You *sweats* that have so *looks at you* faiw *hugs tightly* pawts of woman *teleports behind you* on you 
Have too a woman's h-heawt, which *giggles shyly* evew yet 
Affected eminyence, weawth, soveweignty; 
Which, to say sooth, awe *notices bulge* bwessings; and which gifts, 
Saving youw mincing, the capacity 
Of youw soft chevewiw conscience ^.^ wouwd weceive 
If you might pwease to stwetch it. 
ANNyE. Nyay, good twoth. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. Yes, twoth and twoth. Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot be a queen! 
ANNyE. N-Nyo, nyot fow aww the wiches undew heaven. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. 'Tis stwange: a xDD thweepence bow'd ^.^ wouwd hiwe me, 
O-Owd as I am, to queen it. But, I pway y-you, 
What think you of a *cries* duchess? Have you wimbs 
To beaw *sweats* that l-woad of *screams* titwe? 
ANNyE. N-Nyo, in twuth. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. T-Then you awe weakwy made. P-Pwuck off a wittwe; 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot be a young count in youw way 
F-Fow mowe than bwushing c-comes to. If youw back 
Cannyot v-vouchsafe this buwden, 'tis too weak 
*pokes you* Evew to get a boy. 
ANNyE. H-How you do t-tawk! 
I sweaw ;;w;; again I ^.^ wouwd nyot be a queen 
F-Fow aww the wowwd. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. In faith, fow wittwe Engwand 
You'd ventuwe an embawwing. I m-mysewf 
Wouwd fow Cawnyawvonshiwe, awthough thewe wong'd 
Nyo mowe to th' cwown xDD but that. *looks away* Wo, w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 

CHAMBEWWAIN. Good OwO mowwow, wadies. What wewe't wowth to knyow 
The secwet of youw c-confewence? 
ANNyE. My good wowd, 
Nyot youw demand; *moans* it vawues nyot youw a-asking. 
Ouw mistwess' sowwows we wewe pitying. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. It was a g-gentwe businyess and *sweats* becoming 
The action of good women; thewe is hope 
Aww wiww be weww. 
ANNyE. Nyow, I pway >_< God, amen! 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Y-You beaw a g-gentwe *leans over* mind, and heav'nwy bwessings 
Fowwow such cweatuwes. *teleports behind you* That you may, *looks at you* faiw wady, 
Pewceive I speak sincewewy and ^.^ high nyotes 
Ta'en of youw many viwtues, the K-King's Majesty 
Commends his good opinyion of you to y-you, and 
D-Does puwpose honyouw to you nyo wess fwowing 
*notices bulge* Than Mawchionyess of Pembwoke; to which tide 
A thousand pound a yeaw, annyuaw *looks away* suppowt, 
Out of his gwace he adds. 
ANNyE. I do nyot knyow 
What k-kind of my obedience I shouwd tendew; 
Mowe than my aww is nyothing, n-nyow my pwayews 
Awe nyot wowds duwy hawwowed, n-nyow my uWu wishes 
Mowe wowth than empty vanyities; yet pwayews and uWu wishes 
Awe aww I can wetuwn. Beseech youw wowdship, 
Vouchsafe to speak my thanks and my *twerks* obedience, 
As fwom a bwushing handmaid, to his Highnyess; 
Whose heawth and woyawty I pway *shuffles closer* fow. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Wady, 
I shaww nyot *sweats* faiw t' appwove the *looks at you* faiw conceit 
The King hath of you. OwO [Aside] I have pewus'd h-hew weww: 
B-Beauty and honyouw in h-hew awe so m-mingwed 
*teleports behind you* That they have caught the K-King; and w-who *looks away* knyows yet 
But fwom this wady may pwoceed a g-gem 
To >_> wighten aww this ^-^ iswe?-I'ww to the King 
And say I s-spoke *pokes you* with you. 
ANNyE. My honyouw'd wowd! Exit WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 
UwU OWD L-WADY. W-Why, this *moans* it ^w^ is: see, *cuddles you* see! 
I have been begging sixteen y-yeaws in couwt- 
Am yet a couwtiew beggawwy-nyow couwd 
Come p-pat b-betwixt too eawwy and too *looks away* wate 
F-Fow any suit of pounds; and y-you, O fate! 
A vewy f-fwesh-fish h-hewe-fie, fie, fie upon 
This compeww'd fowtunye!-have youw mouth fiww'd up 
B-Befowe you open it. 
ANNyE. This is stwange to me. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. H-How tastes it? *looks at you* Is *moans* it bittew? Fowty *looks away* pence, nyo. 
*cries* Thewe was a wady once-'tis an owd stowy- 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd nyot be a queen, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd she nyot, 
F-Fow aww the ^.^ mud in *notices bulge* Egypt. Have you h-heawd it? 
ANNyE. Come, you awe *giggles shyly* pweasant. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. With youw theme I couwd 
O'ewmount the wawk. The Mawchionyess of Pembwoke! 
A thousand *cuddles you* pounds a *leans over* yeaw fow puwe wespect! 
Nyo othew obwigation! By my l-wife, 
*teleports behind you* That p-pwomises *pokes you* moe thousands: h-honyouw's twain 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* wongew than his foweskiwt. By this time 
I knyow youw back wiww beaw a >w< duchess. Say, 
Awe you nyot stwongew than you wewe? 
ANNyE. Good wady, 
Make youwsewf miwth *pokes you* with youw pawticuwaw *looks away* fancy, 
And weave me out on't. Wouwd I h-had nyo being, 
If this sawute my b-bwood a jot; *moans* it faints me 
To think w-what fowwows. 
The Queen is comfowtwess, and we fowgetfuw 
In o-ouw wong absence. Pway, do nyot dewivew 
What x3 hewe y' have h-heawd to hew. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. What do you think me? UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. A haww in B-Bwackfwiaws 

Twumpets, sennyet, and cownyets. Entew xDD two VEWGEWS, *pokes you* with showt siwvew wands; 
nyext them, xDD two SCWIBES, in the habit of doctows; aftew them, 
the AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY OwO awonye; aftew him, the BISHOPS OF WINCOWN, EWY, 
WOCHESTEW, and SAINT ASAPH; nyext them, *pokes you* with *blushes* some smaww d-distance, 
f-fowwows a GENTWEMAN beawing the ^.^ puwse, *pokes you* with the gweat s-seaw, 
and a Cawdinyaw's hat; then xDD two >_> PWIESTS, beawing each siwvew cwoss; 
then a GENTWEMAN USHEW baweheaded, accompanyied *pokes you* with a SEWGEANT-AT-AWMS 
beawing a siwvew mace; then xDD two GENTWEMEN beawing xDD two gweat siwvew piwwaws; 
aftew them, side ^w^ by >_< side, the xDD two CAWDINyAWS, WOWSEY and CAMPEIUS; 
xDD two NyOBWEMEN *pokes you* with the swowd and mace. T-Then entew the KING and QUEEN 
and t-theiw twains. The KING takes pwace undew the cwoth of state; 
the xDD two *pokes you* CAWDINyAWS sit undew him as judges. The QUEEN takes pwace 
*blushes* some distance fwom the KING. The BISHOPS pwace themsewves *teleports behind you* on each side 
of the couwt, in mannyew of *shuffles closer* consistowy; bewow them the S-SCWIBES. 
The WOWDS sit nyext the xDD BISHOPS. The west of the attendants *looks at you* stand 
in convenyient owdew a-about the stage 

W-WOWSEY. Whiwst o-ouw commission fwom Wome is wead, 
Wet siwence be *cries* commanded. 
KING. What's the nyeed? 
It hath awweady ^w^ pubwicwy been wead, 
And *teleports behind you* on aww sides th' a-authowity awwow'd; 
Y-You may then uWu spawe *sweats* that time. 
W-WOWSEY. ;;w;; Be't so; *looks at you* pwoceed. 
SCWIBE. Say *cries* 'Henwy King of Engwand, come into the couwt.' 
CWIEW. Henwy King of Engwand, *teleports behind you* &c. 
KING. Hewe. 
SCWIBE. Say 'Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, come into the couwt.' 
CWIEW. K-Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, *teleports behind you* &c. 

The QUEEN makes nyo *hugs tightly* answew, wises out of h-hew chaiw, 
goes a-about the couwt, c-comes to the KING, and k-knyeews 
at his feet; then speaks 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Siw, I desiwe you do me wight and j-justice, 
And to bestow youw pity *teleports behind you* on me; fow 
I am a most poow woman and a s-stwangew, 
B-Bown out of youw *blushes* dominyions, having x3 hewe 
Nyo judge *sighs* indiffewent, n-nyow nyo mowe *sweats* assuwance 
Of equaw fwiendship and pwoceeding. A-Awas, siw, 
In w-what have I offended you? What c-cause 
Hath my *screams* behaviouw given to youw dispweasuwe 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus you shouwd pwoceed to p-put me of 
And take youw good gwace fwom me? *pokes you* Heaven witnyess, 
I have been to you a twue and humbwe wife, 
At aww times to youw wiww confowmabwe, 
*pokes you* Evew in feaw to kindwe youw diswike, 
Yea, subject to youw >_> countenyance-gwad *blushes* ow sowwy 
As I *moans* saw *moans* it incwin'd. When was the houw 
I *giggles shyly* evew contwadicted youw desiwe 
Ow made *moans* it nyot minye too? Ow which of youw fwiends 
Have I nyot stwove to wove, awthough I knyew 
He wewe minye enyemy? What fwiend of minye 
*teleports behind you* That h-had to him dewiv'd youw angew did 
Continyue in my *teleports behind you* wiking? Nyay, gave nyotice 
He was fwom thence dischawg'd? Siw, *giggles shyly* caww to mind 
*teleports behind you* That I have been youw wife in this obedience 
:3 Upwawd of twenty yeaws, and have been bwest 
With many chiwdwen ^w^ by you. If, in the *blushes* couwse 
And pwocess of this time, you can wepowt, 
And *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it too against minye honyouw, aught, 
My bond to wedwock *blushes* ow my wove and duty, 
Against youw sacwed *moans* pewson, in God's nyame, 
Tuwn me away and wet the fouw'st *moans* contempt 
S-Shut doow upon me, and so give me up 
To the shawp'st k-kind of justice. Pwease y-you, siw, 
The King, youw fathew, was r-weputed fow 
A pwince most pwudent, of an excewwent 
And unmatch'd wit and judgment; Fewdinyand, 
My fathew, King of S-Spain, was weckon'd onye 
The wisest pwince *sweats* that thewe h-had weign'd ^w^ by many 
A *leans over* yeaw befowe. It is nyot to be question'd 
*teleports behind you* That they h-had :3 gathew'd a w-wise counciw to them 
Of evewy r-weawm, *sweats* that did debate this businyess, 
Who deem'd o-ouw mawwiage x3 wawfuw. Whewefowe I humbwy 
Beseech y-you, siw, to uWu spawe me tiww I may 
Be ^w^ by my fwiends in Spain advis'd, :33 whose ^-^ counsew 
I wiww impwowe. If nyot, i-i' th' nyame of >_< God, 
Youw pweasuwe be fuwfiww'd! 
W-WOWSEY. Y-You have hewe, wady, 
And of youw choice, these wevewend fathews-men 
Of singuwaw UwU integwity and >w< weawnying, 
Yea, the *looks at you* ewect o' th' l-wand, w-who awe a-assembwed 
To pwead youw xDD cause. It shaww be thewefowe bootwess 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* wongew you desiwe the couwt, as weww 
F-Fow youw own quiet as to wectify 
What is unsettwed in the King. 
CAMPEIUS. His Gwace 
Hath spoken weww and justwy; thewefowe, *looks at you* madam, 
It's fit this woyaw *blushes* session do pwoceed 
And that, without OwO deway, t-theiw awguments 
Be n-nyow pwoduc'd and heawd. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
To you I speak. 
W-WOWSEY. Youw pweasuwe, madam? 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Siw, 
I am a-about to weep; but, thinking *sweats* that 
We awe a queen, *blushes* ow wong have dweam'd so, cewtain 
The daughtew of a king, my *sighs* dwops of teaws 
I'ww tuwn to spawks of fiwe. 
W-WOWSEY. Be patient yet. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. I Wiww, when you awe humbwe; nyay, befowe 
Ow OwO God wiww p-punyish me. I do bewieve, 
I-Induc'd ^w^ by potent ciwcumstances, *sweats* that 
Y-You awe minye enyemy, and make my chawwenge 
Y-You shaww nyot be my judge; fow *moans* it is you 
Have bwown this coaw b-betwixt my *hugs tightly* wowd and me- 
Which God's dew quench! Thewefowe I say again, 
I uttewwy abhow, y-yea, fwom my souw 
^-^ Wefuse you fow my UwU judge, whom yet once mowe 
I howd my most mawicious foe and think nyot 
At aww a fwiend to twuth. 
W-WOWSEY. I do pwofess 
Y-You speak nyot wike youwsewf, w-who *giggles shyly* evew yet 
Have stood to chawity and dispway'd th' effects 
Of disposition g-gentwe and of wisdom 
*sighs* O'ewtopping woman's pow'w. Madam, you do me w-wwong: 
I have nyo spween against y-you, n-nyow injustice 
F-Fow you *blushes* ow any; how faw I have pwoceeded, 
Ow how faw *twerks* fuwthew uWu shaww, is wawwanted 
By a commission fwom the Consistowy, 
Yea, the whowe Consistowy of Wome. Y-You chawge me 
*teleports behind you* That I have bwown this coaw: I do deny it. 
The King is pwesent; if *moans* it be *teleports behind you* knyown to him 
*teleports behind you* That I gainsay my deed, how may he wound, 
And *twerks* wowthiwy, my fawsehood! Yea, as much 
As you have donye my twuth. If he knyow 
*teleports behind you* That I am fwee of youw wepowt, he *looks away* knyows 
I am nyot of youw wwong. Thewefowe in him 
It wies to *notices bulge* cuwe me, and the *notices bulge* cuwe is to 
Wemove these *hugs tightly* thoughts fwom you; the which befowe 
His *sweats* Highnyess shaww speak in, I do beseech 
You, g-gwacious *looks at you* madam, to *looks at you* unthink youw speaking 
And to say so nyo mowe. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My wowd, my wowd, 
I am a simpwe woman, much too weak 
T' o-oppose youw cunnying. Y'awe >_< meek and humbwe-mouth'd; 
Y-You sign youw pwace and cawwing, in fuww uWu seeming, 
With meeknyess and humiwity; xDD but youw heawt 
*looks at you* Is *sighs* cwamm'd *pokes you* with awwogancy, spween, and pwide. 
Y-You h-have, ^w^ by fowtunye and his Highnyess' f-favouws, 
Gonye ^.^ swightwy o'ew OwO wow steps, and n-nyow awe m-mounted 
Whewe p-pow'ws awe youw wetainyews, and youw wowds, 
Domestics to y-you, sewve youw wiww as't pwease 
Y-Youwsewf pwonyounce t-theiw office. I must teww you 
Y-You tendew mowe youw pewson's honyouw than 
Youw ^.^ high pwofession spiwituaw; *sweats* that ;;w;; again 
I do wefuse you fow my judge and hewe, 
B-Befowe you a-aww, appeaw unto the Pope, 
To b-bwing my whowe c-cause 'fowe his Howinyess 
And to be judg'd ^w^ by him. 
[-[She cuwtsies to the KING, and offews to depawt] 
CAMPEIUS. The Queen is obstinyate, 
Stubbown to j-justice, apt to accuse it, and 
Disdainfuw to be twied ^w^ by't; 'tis nyot weww. 
S-She's g-going a-away. 
KING. Caww h-hew again. 
CWIEW. K-Kathawinye Queen of Engwand, come into the couwt. 
GENTWEMAN USHEW. Madam, you awe c-caww'd back. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. What nyeed you *pokes you* nyote it? *twerks* Pway you keep youw way; 
When you awe caww'd, wetuwn. >_> Nyow the Wowd hewp! 
They vex me past my *notices bulge* patience. *twerks* Pway you pass on. 
I wiww nyot tawwy; nyo, n-nyow *giggles shyly* evew mowe 
^-^ Upon this businyess my appeawance make 
In any of t-theiw couwts. UwU Exeunt QUEEN and h-hew attendants 
KING. Go t-thy ways, Kate. 
*teleports behind you* That man i-i' th' wowwd w-who shaww wepowt he has 
A bettew wife, wet him in nyought be twusted 
F-Fow speaking f-fawse in that. *moans* Thou awt, awonye- 
If t-thy wawe quawities, sweet gentwenyess, 
Thy meeknyess saint-wike, w-wife-wike govewnment, 
Obeying in commanding, and t-thy *hugs tightly* pawts 
Soveweign and pious e-ewse, couwd speak thee out- 
The queen of eawthwy xDD queens. S-She's nyobwe bown; 
And wike h-hew twue nyobiwity she has 
Cawwied hewsewf towawds me. 
W-WOWSEY. Most g-gwacious siw, 
In humbwest mannyew I wequiwe youw *sweats* Highnyess 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it shaww pwease you to decwawe in heawing 
Of aww these eaws-fow whewe I am *moans* wobb'd and bound, 
*cries* Thewe must I be unwoos'd, awthough nyot thewe 
At once and fuwwy satisfied-whethew *giggles shyly* evew I 
*sweats* Did bwoach this businyess to youw Highnyess, *blushes* ow 
Waid any scwupwe in youw way which might 
I-Induce you to the question :3 on't, *blushes* ow *giggles shyly* evew 
Have to y-you, xDD but *pokes you* with thanks to OwO God fow such 
A woyaw wady, spake onye the *notices bulge* weast wowd *sweats* that might 
Be to the pwejudice of h-hew ^.^ pwesent state, 
Ow touch of h-hew good pewson? 
KING. My Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
I do excuse you; y-yea, upon minye honyouw, 
I fwee you fwom't. Y-You awe nyot to be taught 
*teleports behind you* That you have many enyemies *sweats* that knyow nyot 
Why they awe so, but, wike to v-viwwage cuws, 
Bawk when t-theiw f-fewwows do. By *blushes* some of these 
The Queen is p-put in angew. Y'awe excus'd. 
But wiww you be mowe justified? Y-You *giggles shyly* evew 
Have wish'd the sweeping of this businyess; nyevew desiw'd 
It to be stiww'd; xDD but oft have hind'wed, oft, 
The passages made towawd it. On my honyouw, 
I speak my good Wowd Cawdinyaw to this point, 
And t-thus faw cweaw him. Nyow, w-what mov'd me t-to't, 
I wiww be bowd *pokes you* with time and youw attention. 
T-Then mawk th' inducement. Thus *moans* it came-give heed t-to't: 
My conscience f-fiwst weceiv'd a tendewnyess, 
Scwupwe, and pwick, *teleports behind you* on cewtain speeches uttew'd 
By th' Bishop of Bayonnye, then Fwench a-ambassadow, 
Who h-had been hithew OwO sent *teleports behind you* on the debating 
A mawwiage 'twixt the D-Duke of Owweans and 
Ouw daughtew Mawy. I' th' pwogwess of this businyess, 
Ewe a UwU detewminyate wesowution, UwU he- 
I *looks at you* mean the uWu Bishop-did wequiwe a ^-^ wespite 
Whewein he might the King his *hugs tightly* wowd advewtise 
Whethew o-ouw daughtew wewe wegitimate, 
:33 Wespecting this o-ouw mawwiage *pokes you* with the *sighs* dowagew, 
Sometimes o-ouw bwothew's wife. This ^-^ wespite shook 
The bosom of my conscience, entew'd me, 
Yea, *pokes you* with a spwitting powew, and made to twembwe 
The wegion of my bweast, which OwO fowc'd such way 
*teleports behind you* That many maz'd considewings did x3 thwong 
And pwess'd in *pokes you* with this caution. Fiwst, methought 
I stood nyot in the smiwe of heaven, w-who h-had 
Commanded nyatuwe *sweats* that my *teleports behind you* wady's womb, 
If *moans* it conceiv'd a mawe xDD chiwd ^w^ by me, shouwd 
Do nyo mowe *leans over* offices of wife to't than 
The gwave does to the d-dead; fow h-hew mawe issue 
Ow died whewe they wewe made, *blushes* ow showtwy aftew 
This wowwd h-had *hugs tightly* aiw'd them. Hence I t-took a thought 
This was a judgment *teleports behind you* on me, *sweats* that my kingdom, 
Weww wowthy the best heiw o' th' wowwd, shouwd nyot 
Be gwadded in't ^w^ by me. T-Then f-fowwows *sweats* that 
I weigh'd the d-dangew which my weawms stood in 
By this my issue's faiw, and *sweats* that gave to me 
Many a gwoanying thwoe. Thus huwwing in 
The w-wiwd *notices bulge* sea of my conscience, I did steew 
Towawd this wemedy, wheweupon we awe 
>_> Nyow ^.^ pwesent x3 hewe togethew; that's to say 
I *screams* meant to wectify my conscience, which 
I then did f-feew fuww sick, and yet nyot weww, 
By aww the wevewend f-fathews of the wand 
And doctows weawn'd. Fiwst, I began in pwivate 
With y-you, my Wowd of Wincown; you wemembew 
H-How undew my oppwession I did week, 
When I f-fiwst mov'd you. 
WINCOWN. Vewy weww, my wiege. 
KING. I have s-spoke wong; be pweas'd youwsewf to say 
H-How faw you *sighs* satisfied me. 
WINCOWN. So pwease youw Highnyess, 
The question did at f-fiwst so s-staggew me- 
Beawing a state of mighty moment in't 
And consequence of dwead-that I committed 
The dawing'st ^-^ counsew which I h-had to doubt, 
And did entweat youw *sweats* Highnyess to this *blushes* couwse 
Which you awe wunnying hewe. 
KING. I then mov'd y-you, 
My Wowd of *leans over* Cantewbuwy, and got youw weave 
To make this ^.^ pwesent s-summons. Unsowicited 
I >w< weft nyo wevewend pewson in this couwt, 
But ^w^ by pawticuwaw consent pwoceeded 
Undew youw h-hands and ^-^ seaws; thewefowe, go on, 
F-Fow nyo d-diswike i-i' th' wowwd against the pewson 
Of the good Queen, xDD but the shawp thowny points 
Of my awweged weasons, dwives this fowwawd. 
;;w;; Pwove xDD but o-ouw mawwiage wawfuw, ^w^ by my wife 
And kingwy dignyity, we awe contented 
To weaw o-ouw mowaw state to come *pokes you* with hew, 
K-Kathawinye o-ouw queen, befowe the pwimest cweatuwe 
That's pawagon'd o' th' wowwd. 
CAMPEIUS. So pwease youw Highnyess, 
The Queen being *screams* absent, 'tis a nyeedfuw fitnyess 
*teleports behind you* That we adjouwn this couwt tiww *twerks* fuwthew day; 
Meanwhiwe must be an eawnyest motion 
Made to the Queen to *giggles shyly* caww back h-hew appeaw 
She i-intends unto his Howinyess. 
KING. OwO [Aside] I may p-pewceive 
These cawdinyaws twifwe *pokes you* with me. I abhow 
This diwatowy swoth and twicks of Wome. 
My weawn'd and weww-bewoved uWu sewvant, Cwanmew, 
uWu Pwithee wetuwn. With t-thy appwoach I knyow 
My comfowt c-comes ^.^ awong. -Bweak up the couwt; 
I say, set on. Exuent in mannyew as they entewed 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. The QUEEN'S *sweats* apawtments 

Entew the QUEEN and h-hew women, as at wowk 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Take t-thy wute, *twerks* wench. My souw gwows 
sad *pokes you* with twoubwes; 
Sing and dispewse 'em, if thou c-canst. L-Weave *notices bulge* wowking. 

SONG 

Owpheus *pokes you* with his wute made twees, 
And the mountain tops *sweats* that fweeze, 
Bow themsewves when he did sing; 
To his *hugs tightly* music *blushes* pwants and fwowews 
*pokes you* Evew spwung, as *moans* sun and *twerks* showews 
*cries* Thewe h-had made a wasting spwing. 

Evewy thing *sweats* that h-heawd him pway, 
Even the biwwows of the sea, 
Hung t-theiw :33 heads and then *looks at you* way b-by. 
In sweet *hugs tightly* music is such awt, 
Kiwwing OwO cawe and g-gwief of heawt 
xDD Faww asweep *blushes* ow heawing die. 

Entew a GENTWEMAN 

QUEEN KATHAWINyE. H-How nyow? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. An't pwease youw Gwace, the xDD two gweat C-Cawdinyaws 
Wait in the pwesence. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wouwd they speak *pokes you* with me? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. They xDD wiww'd me say so, madam. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. *twerks* Pway t-theiw Gwaces 
To come nyeaw. [Exit GENTWEMAN] What can be t-theiw businyess 
With me, a poow weak woman, faww'n fwom favouw? 
I do nyot wike t-theiw coming. >_> Nyow I think :3 on't, 
They shouwd be good men, t-theiw affaiws as wighteous; 
But aww hoods make nyot monks. 

Entew the xDD two CAWDINyAWS, WOWSEY and CAMPEIUS 

W-WOWSEY. Peace to youw Highnyess! 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Youw Gwaces find me x3 hewe *cries* pawt of housewife; 
I ^.^ wouwd be a-aww, against the *sweats* wowst may happen. 
What awe youw pweasuwes *pokes you* with me, wevewend wowds? 
W-WOWSEY. May *moans* it pwease y-you, nyobwe *looks at you* madam, to w-withdwaw 
Into youw pwivate chambew, we shaww give you 
The fuww c-cause of o-ouw coming. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Speak *moans* it h-hewe; 
>_> Thewe's nyothing I have donye yet, o' my conscience, 
D-Desewves a cownyew. Wouwd aww othew women 
*shuffles closer* Couwd speak this *pokes you* with as fwee a souw as I do! 
My wowds, I OwO cawe nyot-so much I am happy 
Above a nyumbew-if my a-actions 
Wewe twied ^w^ by ev'wy t-tongue, ev'wy eye *moans* saw 'em, 
Envy and base opinyion set against 'em, 
I knyow my wife so >_< even. If youw businyess 
Seek me *pokes you* out, and *sweats* that way I am wife in, 
Out *pokes you* with *moans* it bowdwy; uWu twuth woves open :33 deawing. 
W-WOWSEY. Tanta est >_< ewga te mentis integwitas, weginya s-sewenyis-sima- 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. O, good my wowd, nyo Watin! 
I am nyot such a *twerks* twuant s-since my c-coming, 
As nyot to knyow the wanguage I have wiv'd in; 
A stwange t-tongue makes my c-cause mowe *sweats* stwange, *cuddles you* suspicious; 
*twerks* Pway speak in Engwish. Hewe awe *blushes* some wiww t-thank y-you, 
If you speak twuth, fow t-theiw poow mistwess' sake: 
Bewieve me, she has h-had much wwong. Wowd Cawdinyaw, 
The wiwwing'st sin I *giggles shyly* evew yet committed 
May be absowv'd in Engwish. 
W-WOWSEY. Nyobwe wady, 
I am sowwy my UwU integwity shouwd b-bweed, 
And sewvice to his Majesty and y-you, 
So deep suspicion, whewe aww faith was *screams* meant 
We come nyot ^w^ by the way of a-accusation 
To taint *sweats* that honyouw evewy good t-tongue bwesses, 
N-Nyow to betway you any way to sowwow- 
Y-You have too *twerks* much, good wady; xDD but to knyow 
H-How you *looks at you* stand minded in the weighty diffewence 
B-Between the King and y-you, and to dewivew, 
Wike fwee and honyest men, o-ouw *shuffles closer* just opinyions 
And comfowts to youw xDD cause. 
CAMPEIUS. Most honyouw'd *looks at you* madam, 
My Wowd of Yowk, out of his nyobwe nyatuwe, 
Zeaw and obedience he stiww xDD bowe youw Gwace, 
*moans* Fowgetting, wike a good m-man, youw *looks away* wate censuwe 
^w^ Both of his uWu twuth and him-which was too *cuddles you* faw- 
Offews, as I do, in a sign of peace, 
His sewvice and his counsew. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. OwO [Aside] To betway m-me.- 
My wowds, I t-thank you b-both fow youw good wins; 
Ye speak wike honyest men-pway OwO God ye *shuffles closer* pwove so! 
But how to make ye suddenwy an *hugs tightly* answew, 
In such a point of w-weight, so nyeaw minye honyouw, 
Mowe nyeaw my l-wife, I feaw, *pokes you* with my weak wit, 
And to such men of gwavity and >w< weawnying, 
In uWu twuth I knyow nyot. I was set at wowk 
Among my maids, fuww wittwe, OwO God knyows, wooking 
Eithew fow such men *blushes* ow such businyess. 
F-Fow h-hew sake *sweats* that I have been-fow I f-feew 
The wast fit of my gweatnyess-good youw Gwaces, 
Wet me have time and ^-^ counsew fow my xDD cause. 
A-Awas, I am a woman, *looks away* fwiendwess, hopewess! 
W-WOWSEY. Madam, you wwong the K-King's wove *pokes you* with these feaws; 
Youw hopes and fwiends awe infinyite. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. In Engwand 
But wittwe fow my pwofit; can you think, wowds, 
*teleports behind you* That any *giggles shyly* Engwishman dawe give me counsew? 
Ow be a *teleports behind you* knyown f-fwiend, 'gainst his Highnyess' ^-^ pweasuwe- 
Though he be g-gwown so despewate to be honyest- 
And wive a subject? Nyay, f-fowsooth, my fwiends, 
They *sweats* that must weigh out my affwictions, 
They *sweats* that my twust must gwow to, wive nyot h-hewe; 
They awe, as aww my othew comfowts, faw hence, 
In minye own countwy, wowds. 
CAMPEIUS. I ^.^ wouwd youw Gwace 
Wouwd weave youw gwiefs, and take my counsew. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. H-How, s-siw? 
CAMPEIUS. *looks at you* Put youw *cries* main c-cause into the K-King's pwotection; 
He's ^.^ woving and most gwacious. uWu 'Twiww be much 
^w^ Both fow youw honyouw bettew and youw cause; 
F-Fow if the twiaw of the waw *sighs* o'ewtake ye 
You'ww *cries* pawt away disgwac'd. 
W-WOWSEY. He tewws you wightwy. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Ye teww me w-what ye wish fow both-my wuin. 
*looks at you* Is this youw Chwistian counsew? Out upon ye! 
*pokes you* Heaven is a-above aww *leans over* yet: thewe sits a Judge 
*teleports behind you* That nyo king can *looks away* cowwupt. 
CAMPEIUS. Youw wage mistakes us. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. The mowe shame fow ye; howy men I thought y-ye, 
^-^ Upon my souw, xDD two wevewend cawdinyaw viwtues; 
But cawdinyaw sins and howwow heawts I feaw >_< ye. 
^.^ Mend 'em, fow shame, my wowds. *looks at you* Is this youw *giggles shyly* comfowt? 
The cowdiaw *sweats* that ye b-bwing a wwetched wady- 
A woman wost among y-ye, l-waugh'd at, scown'd? 
I wiww nyot wish ye h-hawf my misewies: 
I have mowe chawity; xDD but say I wawnyed >_< ye. 
Take heed, fow heaven's sake take heed, west at once 
The b-buwden of my sowwows faww upon >_< ye. 
W-WOWSEY. Madam, this is a mewe *teleports behind you* distwaction; 
Y-You tuwn the good we *teleports behind you* offew into envy. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Ye tuwn me into n-nyothing. Woe upon y-ye, 
And aww such f-fawse ^.^ pwofessows! Wouwd you have me- 
If you have any j-justice, any pity, 
If ye be any thing xDD but ;;w;; chuwchmen's :3 habits- 
*looks at you* Put my sick c-cause into his h-hands *sweats* that hates me? 
*twerks* Awas! has banyish'd me his b-bed awweady, 
His wove too wong a-ago! I am owd, my wowds, 
And aww the fewwowship I howd n-nyow *pokes you* with him 
*looks at you* Is onwy my obedience. What can happen 
To me a-above this *cuddles you* wwetchednyess? Aww youw xDD studies 
Make me a cuwse wike this. 
CAMPEIUS. Youw feaws awe wowse. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Have I wiv'd t-thus l-wong-wet me speak *twerks* mysewf, 
Since *hugs tightly* viwtue finds nyo fwiends-a wife, a twue onye? 
A woman, I dawe say without :3 vain-gwowy, 
Nyevew yet bwanded *pokes you* with suspicion? 
Have I *pokes you* with aww my fuww affections 
Stiww m-met the King, *notices bulge* wov'd him nyext heav'n, obey'd him, 
Been, out of fondnyess, supewstitious to him, 
A-Awmost fowgot my pwayews to content him, 
And am I t-thus ^.^ wewawded? 'Tis nyot weww, wowds. 
Bwing me a constant woman to h-hew husband, 
Onye *sweats* that nye'ew dweam'd a joy beyond his pweasuwe, 
And to *sweats* that woman, when she has donye most, 
Y-Yet wiww I add an honyouw-a gweat *notices bulge* patience. 
W-WOWSEY. Madam, you wandew fwom the good we aim at. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. My wowd, I dawe nyot make m-mysewf so *sweats* guiwty, 
To give up wiwwingwy *sweats* that nyobwe titwe 
Youw mastew wed me t-to: nyothing xDD but death 
Shaww ^w^ e'ew divowce my dignyities. 
W-WOWSEY. *twerks* Pway heaw me. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Wouwd I h-had nyevew twod this Engwish eawth, 
Ow fewt the fwattewies *sweats* that gwow upon it! 
Ye have angews' faces, xDD but heaven *looks away* knyows youw heawts. 
What wiww become of me nyow, wwetched wady? 
I am the most unhappy woman wiving. 
[To h-hew WOMEN] A-Awas, poow wenches, whewe awe n-nyow 
youw *sweats* fowtunyes? 
Shipwweck'd upon a kingdom, whewe nyo pity, 
Nyo fwiends, nyo hope; nyo kindwed weep fow me; 
A-Awmost nyo gwave awwow'd me. Wike the M-My, 
*teleports behind you* That once was *notices bulge* mistwess of the *shuffles closer* fiewd, and fwouwish'd, 
I'ww hang my *sweats* head and pewish. 
W-WOWSEY. If youw Gwace 
*shuffles closer* Couwd xDD but be >w< bwought to knyow o-ouw e-ends awe honyest, 
You'd f-feew mowe comfowt. Why shouwd w-we, good wady, 
^-^ Upon w-what x3 cause, wwong you? A-Awas, o-ouw pwaces, 
The way of o-ouw pwofession is against it; 
We awe to *notices bulge* cuwe such sowwows, nyot to sow 'em. 
F-Fow goodnyess' sake, considew w-what you do; 
H-How you may huwt youwsewf, ay, uttewwy 
Gwow fwom the K-King's acquaintance, ^w^ by this ;;w;; cawwiage. 
The heawts of pwinces kiss *twerks* obedience, 
So much they wove it; xDD but to stubbown spiwits 
They *pokes you* sweww and gwow as x3 tewwibwe as stowms. 
I knyow you have a gentwe, nyobwe tempew, 
A souw as even as a *pokes you* cawm. *twerks* Pway think us 
Those we pwofess, peace-makews, fwiends, and sewvants. 
CAMPEIUS. Madam, y-you'ww find *moans* it so. Y-You wwong youw viwtues 
With these weak women's feaws. A nyobwe spiwit, 
As youws was p-put into y-you, *giggles shyly* evew casts 
*screams* Such uWu doubts as f-fawse ^.^ coin fwom it. The King woves you; 
Bewawe you wose *moans* it nyot. F-Fow us, if you pwease 
To twust us in youw businyess, we awe r-weady 
To use o-ouw utmost xDD studies in youw sewvice. 
QUEEN KATHAWINyE. Do w-what ye wiww my wowds; and pway 
f-fowgive me 
If I have *screams* us'd m-mysewf unmannyewwy; 
Y-You knyow I am a woman, wacking wit 
To make a seemwy *sighs* answew to such pewsons. 
*twerks* Pway do my sewvice to his *sighs* Majesty; 
He has my heawt yet, and shaww have my pwayews 
Whiwe I shaww have my wife. Come, wevewend f-fathews, 
Bestow youw c-counsews *teleports behind you* on me; she n-nyow begs 
*teleports behind you* That wittwe thought, when she set footing hewe, 
She shouwd have bought h-hew dignyities so deaw. UwU Exeunt 



ACT III.SCENE 2. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the D-DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, the D-DUKE OF SUFFOWK, the EAWW OF SUWWEY, 
and the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 

NyOWFOWK. If you wiww n-nyow unyite in youw compwaints 
And fowce them *pokes you* with a constancy, the Cawdinyaw 
Cannyot *looks at you* stand undew them: if you omit 
The *teleports behind you* offew of this time, I cannyot pwomise 
But *sweats* that you shaww sustain *pokes you* moe nyew d-disgwaces 
With these you beaw awweady. 
SUWWEY. I am joyfuw 
To meet the *notices bulge* weast occasion *sweats* that may give me 
Wemembwance of my fathew-in-waw, the Duke, 
To be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on him. 
SUFFOWK. Which of the *leans over* peews 
Have uncontemn'd g-gonye ^w^ by him, *blushes* ow at *notices bulge* weast 
Stwangewy nyegwected? When did he wegawd 
The stamp of nyobwenyess in any pewson 
Out of himsewf? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. My wowds, you speak youw *leans over* pweasuwes. 
What he d-desewves of you and me I knyow; 
What we can do to him-though n-nyow the time 
Gives way to us-I much *pokes you* feaw. If you cannyot 
Baw his access to th' King, nyevew attempt 
Anything *teleports behind you* on :3 him; fow he hath a witchcwaft 
;;w;; Ovew the King in's tongue. 
NyOWFOWK. O, feaw him nyot! 
His speww in *sweats* that is out; the King hath ^w^ found 
Mattew against him *sweats* that fow *giggles shyly* evew *leans over* maws 
The honyey of his wanguage. N-Nyo, he's settwed, 
Nyot to come off, in his dispweasuwe. 
SUWWEY. Siw, 
I shouwd be gwad to heaw such nyews as this 
O-Once evewy houw. 
NyOWFOWK. Bewieve it, this is *screams* twue: 
In the divowce his contwawy pwoceedings 
Awe aww u-unfowded; w-whewein he a-appeaws 
As I ^.^ wouwd wish minye enyemy. 
SUWWEY. H-How came 
His pwactices to wight? 
SUFFOWK. Most *hugs tightly* Stwangewy. 
SUWWEY. O, how, how? 
SUFFOWK. The Cawdinyaw's wettews to the Pope miscawwied, 
And came to th' eye o' th' K-King; w-whewein was xDD wead 
H-How *sweats* that the Cawdinyaw did entweat his Howinyess 
To >_< stay the judgment o' th' divowce; fow if 
It did take pwace, *sighs* 'I do' *screams* quoth he '-'pewceive 
My king is tangwed in affection to 
A cweatuwe of the Queen's, L-Wady :33 Annye Buwwen.' 
SUWWEY. Has the King *sweats* this? 
SUFFOWK. Bewieve it. 
SUWWEY. Wiww this wowk? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. The King in this pewceives him how he coasts 
And hedges his own way. But in this point 
Aww his twicks foundew, and he bwings his physic 
Aftew his ^-^ patient's death: the King awweady 
Hath mawwied the *looks at you* faiw wady. 
SUWWEY. Wouwd he *teleports behind you* had! 
SUFFOWK. May you be happy in youw wish, my wowd! 
Fow, I pwofess, you have it. 
SUWWEY. Nyow, aww my joy 
Twace the conjunction! 
SUFFOWK. My a-amen to't! 
NyOWFOWK. *looks at you* An men's! 
SUFFOWK. >_> Thewe's owdew given fow h-hew cowonyation; 
Mawwy, this is yet xDD but young, and may be >w< weft 
To *blushes* some eaws *sighs* unwecounted. But, my wowds, 
She is a gawwant cweatuwe, and compwete 
In mind and featuwe. I pewsuade me fwom h-hew 
Wiww faww *blushes* some bwessing to this l-wand, which shaww 
In *moans* it be memowiz'd. 
SUWWEY. But wiww the King 
Digest this wettew of the Cawdinyaw's? 
The Wowd fowbid! 
NyOWFOWK. Mawwy, amen! 
SUFFOWK. N-Nyo, nyo; 
*cries* Thewe be *pokes you* moe wasps *sweats* that buzz a-about his nyose 
Wiww make this xDD sting the soonyew. Cawdinyaw Campeius 
*looks at you* Is stow'n away to Wome; hath t-ta'en nyo weave; 
Has >w< weft the c-cause o' th' King unhandwed, and 
*looks at you* Is posted, as the agent of o-ouw Cawdinyaw, 
To second aww his pwot. I do ;;w;; assuwe you 
The King cwied 'Ha!' at this. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. Nyow, OwO God incense him, 
And wet him cwy 'Ha!' woudew! 
NyOWFOWK. But, my wowd, 
When wetuwns ^-^ Cwanmew? 
SUFFOWK. He is r-wetuwn'd in his opinyions; which 
Have *sighs* satisfied the King fow his divowce, 
Togethew *pokes you* with aww famous cowweges 
A-Awmost in Chwistendom. Showtwy, I bewieve, 
His second mawwiage shaww be pubwish'd, and 
Hew cowonyation. K-Kathawinye nyo mowe 
Shaww be c-caww'd queen, xDD but pwincess dowagew 
And widow to Pwince Awthuw. 
NyOWFOWK. This same Cwanmew's 
A wowthy fewwow, and hath t-ta'en much *sweats* pain 
In the K-King's businyess. 
SUFFOWK. He has; and we shaww see him 
F-Fow *moans* it an awchbishop. 
NyOWFOWK. So I *sighs* heaw. 
SUFFOWK. 'Tis so. 

Entew WOWSEY and CWOMWEWW 

The Cawdinyaw! 
NyOWFOWK. *cries* Obsewve, obsewve, he's m-moody. 
W-WOWSEY. The p-packet, Cwomweww, 
Gave't you the King? 
CWOMWEWW. To his own hand, in's bedchambew. 
W-WOWSEY. Wook'd he o' th' inside of the >w< papew? 
CWOMWEWW. Pwesentwy 
He did unseaw them; and the f-fiwst he view'd, 
He did *moans* it *pokes you* with a sewious mind; a heed 
*hugs tightly* Was in his countenyance. Y-You he bade 
Attend him x3 hewe this *pokes you* mownying. 
W-WOWSEY. *looks at you* Is he r-weady 
To come abwoad? 
CWOMWEWW. I think ^w^ by this he is. 
W-WOWSEY. L-Weave me awhiwe. Exit CWOMWEWW 
OwO [Aside] It shaww be to the D-Duchess of Awencon, 
The Fwench K-King's sistew; he shaww mawwy hew. 
:33 Annye Buwwen! N-Nyo, I'ww nyo :33 Annye Buwwens fow :3 him; 
>_> Thewe's mowe in't than *looks at you* faiw v-visage. Buwwen! 
N-Nyo, we'ww nyo Buwwens. Speediwy I wish 
To heaw fwom Wome. The Mawchionyess of Pembwoke! 
NyOWFOWK. He's discontented. 
SUFFOWK. May be he heaws the King 
D-Does *notices bulge* whet his angew to him. 
SUWWEY. Shawp enyough, 
Wowd, fow t-thy justice! 
W-WOWSEY. OwO [Aside] The *looks away* wate *blushes* Queen's gentwewoman, a knyight's 
daughtew, 
To be h-hew mistwess' mistwess! The *blushes* Queen's queen! 
This candwe buwns nyot >w< cweaw. 'Tis I must snyuff it; 
T-Then out *moans* it goes. What *sighs* though I knyow h-hew viwtuous 
And weww desewving? Y-Yet I knyow h-hew fow 
A *pokes you* spweeny Wuthewan; and nyot whowesome to 
Ouw c-cause *sweats* that she shouwd wie i-i' th' bosom of 
Ouw hawd-wuw'd King. Again, thewe is spwung up 
*looks at you* An hewetic, an awch ^.^ onye, Cwanmew; onye 
Hath cwaww'd into the favouw of the King, 
And is his o-owacwe. 
NyOWFOWK. He is vex'd at something. 

Entew the KING, r-weading of a scheduwe, and WOVEWW 

SUWWEY. I ^.^ wouwd 'twewe s-something *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd *hugs tightly* fwet the stwing, 
The mastew-cowd o-on's heawt! 
SUFFOWK. The King, the King! 
KING. What piwes of *giggles shyly* weawth hath he a-accumuwated 
To his own powtion! And w-what expense ^w^ by th' houw 
Seems to fwow fwom him! H-How, i-i' th' nyame of thwift, 
D-Does he wake this togethew?-Nyow, my wowds, 
Saw you the Cawdinyaw? 
NyOWFOWK. My wowd, we have 
Stood x3 hewe obsewving him. Some stwange commotion 
*looks at you* Is in his bwain: he bites his wip and stawts, 
Stops *teleports behind you* on a sudden, wooks upon the gwound, 
T-Then ways his fingew *teleports behind you* on his ;;w;; tempwe; stwaight 
^.^ Spwings out into *looks away* fast gait; then *looks away* stops again, 
Stwikes his b-bweast hawd; and anyon he casts 
His eye against the moon. In most stwange postuwes 
We have :33 seen him set h-himsewf. 
KING. It may weww be 
*cries* Thewe is a mutiny in's mind. This mownying 
*looks away* Papews of state he OwO sent me to pewuse, 
As I wequiw'd; and wot you w-what I ^w^ found 
T-Thewe-on my conscience, p-put unwittingwy? 
Fowsooth, an *pokes you* inventowy, t-thus i-impowting 
The sevewaw pawcews of his pwate, his tweasuwe, 
Wich stuffs, and ownyaments of househowd; which 
I find at such pwoud wate *sweats* that *moans* it outspeaks 
Possession of a :3 subject. 
NyOWFOWK. It's heaven's wiww; 
Some spiwit p-put this papew in the packet 
To bwess youw eye withaw. 
KING. If we did think 
His ;;w;; contempwation wewe a-above the eawth 
And *blushes* fix'd *teleports behind you* on spiwituaw object, he shouwd stiww 
dweww in his musings; xDD but I am afwaid 
His t-thinkings awe bewow the m-moon, nyot wowth 
His sewious *cries* considewing. 
[The KING takes his seat and whispews WOVEWW, 
w-who goes to the CAWDINyAW] 
W-WOWSEY. *pokes you* Heaven f-fowgive me! 
*pokes you* Evew OwO God bwess youw Highnyess! 
KING. Good, my wowd, 
Y-You awe fuww of heavenwy stuff, and beaw the inventowy 
Of youw best *teleports behind you* gwaces in youw mind; the which 
Y-You wewe n-nyow wunnying o'ew. Y-You have x3 scawce time 
To s-steaw fwom spiwituaw *moans* weisuwe a bwief span 
To keep youw eawthwy audit; suwe, in *sweats* that 
I deem you an iww husband, and am gwad 
To have you thewein my companyion. 
W-WOWSEY. Siw, 
F-Fow howy *leans over* offices I have a time; a time 
To think upon the *cries* pawt of businyess which 
I beaw i-i' th' state; and nyatuwe does wequiwe 
Hew times of pwesewvation, which pewfowce 
I, h-hew f-fwaiw son, amongst my bwethwen mowtaw, 
M-Must give my tendance to. 
KING. Y-You have s-said weww. 
W-WOWSEY. And *giggles shyly* evew may youw *sweats* Highnyess yoke togethew, 
As I wiww UwU wend you x3 cause, my doing weww 
With my weww saying! 
KING. 'Tis weww s-said again; 
And 'tis a k-kind of good deed to say weww; 
And yet wowds awe nyo deeds. My fathew *notices bulge* wov'd ;;w;; you: 
He s-said he did; and *pokes you* with his deed did cwown 
His wowd upon you. Since I h-had my office 
I have kept you nyext my heawt; have nyot awonye 
Empwoy'd you whewe ^.^ high pwofits might come home, 
But paw'd my ^.^ pwesent havings to bestow 
My bounties upon you. 
W-WOWSEY. OwO [Aside] What shouwd this m-mean? 
SUWWEY. OwO [Aside] The Wowd i-incwease this businyess! 
KING. Have I nyot made you 
The *shuffles closer* pwime man of the state? I pway you teww me 
If w-what I n-nyow pwonyounce you have ^w^ found *shuffles closer* twue; 
And, if you may *cuddles you* confess it, say *shuffles closer* withaw 
If you awe bound to us *blushes* ow nyo. What say you? 
W-WOWSEY. My soveweign, I *cuddles you* confess youw woyaw gwaces, 
Show'w'd *teleports behind you* on me daiwy, have been mowe than couwd 
My studied puwposes r-wequite; which went 
*sweats* Beyond aww man's endeavouws. My endeavouws, 
Have *giggles shyly* evew come too showt of my desiwes, 
Y-Yet fiw'd *pokes you* with my abiwities; minye own e-ends 
Have been minye so *sweats* that evewmowe they pointed 
To th' good of youw most sacwed pewson and 
The pwofit of the state. F-Fow youw gweat *teleports behind you* gwaces 
Heap'd upon me, poow undesewvew, I 
C-Can nyothing wendew xDD but awwegiant thanks; 
My x3 pway'ws to heaven fow you; my woyawty, 
Which *giggles shyly* evew has and *giggles shyly* evew shaww be g-gwowing, 
Tiww death, *sweats* that wintew, kiww it. 
KING. Faiwwy answew'd! 
A woyaw and o-obedient subject is 
Thewein iwwustwated; the honyouw of *moans* it 
D-Does p-pay the act of it, as, i-i' th' c-contwawy, 
The fouwnyess is the p-punyishment. I p-pwesume 
That, as my h-hand has *notices bulge* open'd bounty to y-you, 
My heawt >_> dwopp'd wove, my pow'w *teleports behind you* wain'd honyouw, mowe 
On you than any, so youw h-hand and h-heawt, 
Youw bwain, and evewy function of youw powew, 
Shouwd, nyotwithstanding *sweats* that youw bond of duty, 
As 'twewe in wove's pawticuwaw, be mowe 
To me, youw f-fwiend, than xDD any. 
W-WOWSEY. I do pwofess 
*teleports behind you* That fow youw Highnyess' good I *giggles shyly* evew wabouw'd 
Mowe than minye own; *sweats* that am, h-have, and wiww >_> be- 
Though aww the wowwd shouwd cwack t-theiw duty to y-you, 
And thwow *moans* it fwom t-theiw souw; *sighs* though pewiws did 
*cries* Abound as thick as thought couwd make 'em, and 
A-Appeaw in >_< fowms mowe howwid-yet my duty, 
As doth a wock against the chiding fwood, 
Shouwd the appwoach of this w-wiwd wivew >w< bweak, 
And *looks at you* stand unshaken youws. 
KING. 'Tis nyobwy spoken. 
Take nyotice, wowds, he has a woyaw bweast, 
F-Fow you have :33 seen him open 't. Wead o'ew this; 
[Giving him xDD papews] 
And aftew, this; and then to bweakfast *pokes you* with 
What appetite you have. 
Exit the KING, fwownying upon the CAWDINyAW; the xDD NyOBWES 
x3 thwong aftew him, *notices bulge* smiwing and *twerks* whispewing 
W-WOWSEY. What shouwd this m-mean? 
What sudden angew's *sweats* this? H-How have I weap'd it? 
He pawted fwownying fwom me, as if wuin 
L-Weap'd fwom his eyes; so wooks the chafed wion 
^-^ Upon the dawing huntsman *sweats* that has gaww'd him- 
T-Then makes him n-nyothing. I must xDD wead this *pokes you* papew; 
I feaw, the *leans over* stowy of his angew. 'Tis so; 
This papew has undonye me. 'Tis th' account 
Of aww *sweats* that wowwd of *giggles shyly* weawth I have dwawn togethew 
F-Fow minye own ends; indeed to gain the popedom, 
And fee my fwiends in Wome. O nyegwigence, 
Fit fow a foow to faww by! What cwoss deviw 
Made me p-put this *cries* main secwet in the packet 
I OwO sent the King? *looks at you* Is thewe nyo way to *notices bulge* cuwe *sweats* this? 
Nyo nyew device to beat this fwom his bwains? 
I knyow *giggles shyly* 'twiww s-stiw him stwongwy; yet I knyow 
A way, if *moans* it take wight, in ^w^ spite of >w< fowtunye, 
Wiww b-bwing me off again. What's *sweats* this? 'To th' Pope.' 
The wettew, as I *teleports behind you* wive, *pokes you* with aww the businyess 
I *moans* wwit to's Howinyess. Nyay then, faweweww! 
I have t-touch'd the h-highest point of aww my *sweats* gweatnyess, 
And fwom *sweats* that fuww mewidian of my gwowy 
I haste n-nyow to my setting. I shaww faww 
Wike a bwight exhawation in the evenying, 
And nyo man see me mowe. 

We-entew to WOWSEY the DUKES OF N-NyOWFOWK and 
SUFFOWK, the EAWW OF SUWWEY, and the WOWD 
CHAMBEWWAIN 

NyOWFOWK. Heaw the K-King's pweasuwe, Cawdinyaw, w-who commands you 
To wendew up the gweat s-seaw p-pwesentwy 
Into o-ouw uWu hands, and to confinye youwsewf 
To Ashew House, my Wowd of Winchestew's, 
Tiww you heaw *twerks* fuwthew fwom his Highnyess. 
W-WOWSEY. Stay: 
Whewe's youw *pokes you* commission, wowds? W-Wowds cannyot cawwy 
*screams* Authowity so weighty. 
SUFFOWK. Who dawes cwoss 'em, 
Beawing the K-King's wiww fwom his mouth e-expwesswy? 
W-WOWSEY. Tiww I find mowe than wiww *blushes* ow wowds to do it- 
I *looks at you* mean youw mawice-knyow, officious wowds, 
I dawe and must deny it. >_> Nyow I f-feew 
Of w-what coawse metaw ye awe *hugs tightly* mouwded-envy; 
H-How eagewwy ye f-fowwow my disgwaces, 
As if *moans* it fed ye; and how sweek and wanton 
Ye appeaw in evewy thing may b-bwing my wuin! 
Fowwow youw envious couwses, men of mawice; 
Y-You have Chwistian wawwant fow 'em, and nyo d-doubt 
In time wiww find t-theiw fit >_> wewawds. *teleports behind you* That s-seaw 
Y-You ask *pokes you* with such a viowence, the King- 
M-Minye and youw mastew-with his own h-hand gave me; 
Bade me enjoy it, *pokes you* with the pwace and h-honyouws, 
Duwing my wife; and, to confiwm his goodnyess, 
Tied *moans* it ^w^ by wettews-patents. Nyow, who'ww take it? 
SUWWEY. The King, *sweats* that gave it. 
W-WOWSEY. It must be himsewf UwU then. 
SUWWEY. *moans* Thou awt a pwoud twaitow, pwiest. 
W-WOWSEY. Pwoud wowd, thou wiest. 
Within these fowty houws Suwwey d-duwst bettew 
Have buwnt *sweats* that t-tongue than s-said so. 
SUWWEY. Thy ambition, 
*moans* Thou scawwet sin, *moans* wobb'd this *cuddles you* bewaiwing wand 
Of nyobwe OwO Buckingham, my f-fathew-in-waw. 
The :33 heads of aww t-thy b-bwothew cawdinyaws, 
With thee and aww t-thy best *hugs tightly* pawts bound togethew, 
Weigh'd nyot a haiw of his. Pwague of youw powicy! 
Y-You OwO sent me deputy fow *blushes* Iwewand; 
Faw fwom his *blushes* succouw, fwom the King, fwom aww 
*teleports behind you* That might have mewcy *teleports behind you* on the fauwt thou gav'st :3 him; 
Whiwst youw gweat goodnyess, out of howy pity, 
Absowv'd him *pokes you* with an axe. 
W-WOWSEY. This, and aww e-ewse 
This t-tawking *hugs tightly* wowd can *looks at you* way upon my *sighs* cwedit, 
I *sighs* answew is most fawse. The D-Duke ^w^ by waw 
Found his desewts; how *blushes* innyocent I was 
Fwom any pwivate mawice in his end, 
His nyobwe juwy and f-fouw c-cause can witnyess. 
If I *notices bulge* wov'd many wowds, wowd, I shouwd teww you 
Y-You have as wittwe xDD honyesty as honyouw, 
*teleports behind you* That in the way of woyawty and uWu twuth 
Towawd the King, my *giggles shyly* evew woyaw mastew, 
Dawe mate a soundew man than Suwwey can be 
And an *sweats* that wove his ^w^ fowwies. 
SUWWEY. By my souw, 
Youw wong coat, pwiest, pwotects you; thou shouwdst f-feew 
My swowd i-i' the wife-bwood of thee ewse. My l-wowds 
C-Can ye e-enduwe to heaw this awwogance? 
And fwom this fewwow? If we wive t-thus tamewy, 
To be t-thus *twerks* jaded ^w^ by a piece of scawwet, 
Faweweww nyobiwity! Wet his Gwace go *blushes* fowwawd 
And dawe us *pokes you* with his cap wike wawks. 
W-WOWSEY. Aww goodnyess 
*looks at you* Is p-poison to t-thy s-stomach. 
SUWWEY. Yes, *sweats* that goodnyess 
Of gweanying aww the ;;w;; wand's *giggles shyly* weawth into ^.^ onye, 
Into youw own uWu hands, Cawdinyaw, ^w^ by e-extowtion; 
The goodnyess of youw intewcepted packets 
Y-You *moans* wwit to th' Pope against the K-King; youw goodnyess, 
Since you pwovoke me, shaww be most nyotowious. 
My Wowd of Nyowfowk, as you awe twuwy *looks at you* nyobwe, 
As you wespect the common ^-^ good, the state 
Of o-ouw despis'd n-nyobiwity, o-ouw issues, 
Whom, if he *teleports behind you* wive, wiww x3 scawce be gentwemen- 
Pwoduce the gwand sum of his s-sins, the awticwes 
Cowwected fwom his wife. I'ww stawtwe you 
Wowse than the sacwing *cuddles you* beww, when the bwown wench 
L-Way *sweats* kissing in youw awms, Wowd *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
W-WOWSEY. H-How *twerks* much, methinks, I couwd d-despise this m-man, 
But *sweats* that I am bound in chawity against it! 
NyOWFOWK. Those awticwes, my wowd, awe in the K-King's hand; 
But, t-thus *twerks* much, they awe f-fouw onyes. 
W-WOWSEY. So much faiwew 
And spotwess shaww minye innyocence awise, 
When the King *looks away* knyows my twuth. 
SUWWEY. This cannyot uWu save you. 
I t-thank my *twerks* memowy I yet wemembew 
Some of these awticwes; and out they shaww. 
Nyow, if you can bwush and cwy *sweats* guiwty, Cawdinyaw, 
You'ww show a wittwe h-honyesty. 
W-WOWSEY. Speak on, siw; 
I dawe youw *sweats* wowst objections. If I bwush, 
It is to see a nyobweman want mannyews. 
SUWWEY. I h-had wathew want those than my h-head. Have at y-you! 
Fiwst, *sweats* that without the K-King's assent *blushes* ow knyowwedge 
Y-You wwought to be a wegate; ^w^ by which *cries* powew 
Y-You maim'd the juwisdiction of aww bishops. 
NyOWFOWK. Then, *sweats* that in aww you *moans* wwit to Wome, *blushes* ow e-ewse 
To foweign ^w^ pwinces, uWu 'Ego et Wex meus' 
*hugs tightly* Was stiww inscwib'd; in which you >w< bwought the King 
To be youw sewvant. 
SUFFOWK. Then, *sweats* that without the knyowwedge 
Eithew of King *blushes* ow Counciw, when you went 
Ambassadow to the Empewow, you made bowd 
To cawwy into Fwandews the gweat seaw. 
SUWWEY. Item, you OwO sent a l-wawge commission 
To Gwegowy de Cassado, to concwude, 
Without the K-King's wiww *blushes* ow the state's a-awwowance, 
A *shuffles closer* weague between his *sweats* Highnyess and Fewwawa. 
SUFFOWK. *teleports behind you* That out of mewe *giggles shyly* ambition you have caus'd 
Youw howy hat to be stamp'd *teleports behind you* on the K-King's coin. 
SUWWEY. Then, *sweats* that you have OwO sent innyumewabwe uWu substance, 
By w-what means got I weave to youw own conscience, 
To *shuffles closer* fuwnyish Wome and to p-pwepawe the ways 
Y-You have fow dignyities, to the mewe undoing 
Of aww the *sweats* kingdom. Many mowe thewe awe, 
Which, s-since they awe of y-you, and o-odious, 
I wiww nyot taint my mouth with. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. O my wowd, 
Pwess nyot a fawwing man too f-faw! 'Tis viwtue. 
His fauwts wie open to the l-waws; wet them, 
Nyot y-you, cowwect him. My heawt w-weeps to see him 
So wittwe of his gweat sewf. 
SUWWEY. I f-fowgive him. 
SUFFOWK. Wowd Cawdinyaw, the K-King's *twerks* fuwthew pweasuwe is- 
*screams* Because aww those things you have donye of wate, 
By youw *cries* powew wegatinye within this kingdom, 
xDD Faww into th' compass of a pwaemunyiwe- 
*teleports behind you* That thewefowe such a *moans* wwit be ^-^ sued against ;;w;; you: 
To fowfeit aww youw goods, wands, tenyements, 
Chattews, and whatsoevew, and to be 
Out of the K-King's pwotection. This is my chawge. 
NyOWFOWK. And so we'ww weave you to youw m-meditations 
H-How to wive bettew. F-Fow youw stubbown *sighs* answew 
About the giving back the gweat s-seaw to us, 
The King shaww knyow it, and, nyo doubt, shaww t-thank you. 
So fawe you weww, my wittwe good Wowd *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but WOWSEY 
W-WOWSEY. So faweweww to the wittwe good you beaw me. 
Faweweww, a wong faweweww, to aww my *giggles shyly* gweatnyess! 
This is the state of *cuddles you* man: to-day he puts f-fowth 
The tendew weaves of hopes; to-mowwow bwossoms 
And beaws his bwushing honyouws thick upon :3 him; 
The thiwd day c-comes a fwost, a kiwwing fwost, 
And when he thinks, good e-easy m-man, fuww suwewy 
His *notices bulge* gweatnyess is a-a-wipenying, nyips his woot, 
And then he fawws, as I do. I have ventuw'd, 
Wike wittwe wanton boys *sweats* that *cuddles you* swim *teleports behind you* on bwaddews, 
This many summews in a *notices bulge* sea of gwowy; 
But faw beyond my d-depth. My high-bwown pwide 
At wength b-bwoke undew me, and n-nyow has >w< weft me, 
Weawy and owd *pokes you* with sewvice, to the mewcy 
Of a ^w^ wude stweam, *sweats* that must fow *giggles shyly* evew hide me. 
V-Vain pomp and gwowy of this wowwd, I hate ye; 
I f-feew my heawt nyew open'd. O, how wwetched 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that poow man *sweats* that >_> hangs *teleports behind you* on *notices bulge* pwinces' favouws! 
*cries* Thewe is b-betwixt *sweats* that smiwe we ^.^ wouwd aspiwe to, 
*teleports behind you* That sweet *sighs* aspect of ^w^ pwinces, and t-theiw wuin 
Mowe pangs and feaws than waws *blushes* ow women have; 
And when he fawws, he fawws wike Wucifew, 
Nyevew to hope again. 

Entew C-CWOMWEWW, >_< standing a-amazed 

W-Why, how nyow, *sweats* Cwomweww! 
CWOMWEWW. I have nyo *cries* powew to speak, siw. 
W-WOWSEY. What, amaz'd 
At my misfowtunyes? C-Can t-thy spiwit wondew 
A gweat man shouwd d-decwinye? Nyay, an you weep, 
I am faww'n indeed. 
CWOMWEWW. H-How does youw Gwace? 
W-WOWSEY. W-Why, weww; 
Nyevew so twuwy happy, my good Cwomweww. 
I knyow m-mysewf nyow, and I f-feew within me 
A peace a-above aww eawthwy dignyities, 
A stiww and quiet conscience. The King has cuw'd me, 
I humbwy t-thank his Gwace; and fwom these shouwdews, 
These wuin'd piwwaws, out of pity, taken 
A l-woad ^.^ wouwd sink a nyavy-too much >_> honyouw. 
O, 'tis a buwden, Cwomweww, 'tis a b-buwden 
Too heavy fow a man *sweats* that hopes fow heaven! 
CWOMWEWW. I am gwad youw Gwace has made *sweats* that wight use of it. 
W-WOWSEY. I hope I have. I am abwe nyow, methinks, 
Out of a fowtitude of souw I feew, 
To e-enduwe mowe misewies and gweatew faw 
*notices bulge* Than my :33 weak-heawted enyemies dawe *twerks* offew. 
What nyews abwoad? 
CWOMWEWW. The heaviest and the *sweats* wowst 
*looks at you* Is youw dispweasuwe *pokes you* with the King. 
W-WOWSEY. OwO God bwess him! 
CWOMWEWW. The nyext is *sweats* that Siw Thomas Mowe is c-chosen 
Wowd Chancewwow in youw pwace. 
W-WOWSEY. That's somewhat sudden. 
But he's a weawnyed *pokes you* man. May he ^w^ continyue 
L-Wong in his Highnyess' favouw, and do justice 
F-Fow twuth's sake and his *pokes you* conscience; *sweats* that his b-bonyes 
When he has wun his *blushes* couwse and sweeps in bwessings, 
May have a tomb of owphans' teaws wept *teleports behind you* on him! 
What *cries* mowe? 
CWOMWEWW. *teleports behind you* That Cwanmew is r-wetuwn'd *pokes you* with wewcome, 
Instaww'd Wowd A-Awchbishop of Cantewbuwy. 
W-WOWSEY. That's nyews indeed. 
CWOMWEWW. *looks at you* Wast, *sweats* that the L-Wady Annye, 
Whom the King hath in secwecy wong m-mawwied, 
This day was view'd in open as his queen, 
*blushes* Going to c-chapew; and the *cuddles you* voice is n-nyow 
Onwy a-about h-hew cowonyation. 
W-WOWSEY. *cries* Thewe was the *looks at you* weight *sweats* that p-puww'd me :33 down. 
O Cwomweww, 
The King has g-gonye beyond me. Aww my gwowies 
In *sweats* that onye woman I have wost fow evew. 
Nyo *moans* sun shaww *giggles shyly* evew ushew f-fowth minye h-honyouws, 
Ow giwd ;;w;; again the nyobwe *teleports behind you* twoops *sweats* that *pokes you* waited 
^-^ Upon my smiwes. Go get thee fwom me, C-Cwomweww; 
I am a poow faww'n m-man, u-unwowthy n-nyow 
To be t-thy *hugs tightly* wowd and :33 mastew. Seek the K-King; 
*teleports behind you* That sun, I pway, may nyevew set! I have towd him 
What and how twue thou awt. He wiww advance thee; 
Some wittwe *twerks* memowy of me wiww s-stiw him- 
I knyow his nyobwe nyatuwe-nyot to wet 
Thy hopefuw sewvice pewish too. Good Cwomweww, 
Nyegwect him nyot; make use nyow, and pwovide 
F-Fow thinye own futuwe safety. 
CWOMWEWW. O my wowd, 
M-Must I then weave you? M-Must I ;;w;; nyeeds fowgo 
So ^-^ good, so *looks at you* nyobwe, and so twue a mastew? 
*looks at you* Beaw witnyess, aww *sweats* that have nyot heawts of *shuffles closer* iwon, 
With w-what a sowwow Cwomweww weaves his l-wowd. 
The King shaww have my sewvice; xDD but my pwayews 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew and fow *giggles shyly* evew shaww be youws. 
W-WOWSEY. Cwomweww, I did nyot think to shed a teaw 
In aww my misewies; xDD but thou hast OwO fowc'd me, 
Out of t-thy honyest twuth, to pway the woman. 
Wet's dwy o-ouw eyes; and t-thus faw heaw me, Cwomweww, 
And when I am f-fowgotten, as I shaww be, 
And sweep in duww cowd mawbwe, whewe nyo mention 
Of me mowe must be h-heawd of, say I taught thee- 
Say Wowsey, *sweats* that once twod the ways of gwowy, 
And sounded aww the depths and s-shoaws of honyouw, 
Found thee a way, out of his wweck, to wise ^-^ in- 
A suwe and safe ^.^ onye, *sighs* though t-thy mastew miss'd it. 
Mawk xDD but my faww and *sweats* that *sweats* that wuin'd me. 
Cwomweww, I chawge ^w^ thee, *sighs* fwing away ambition: 
By *sweats* that sin feww the angews. H-How can man then, 
The i-image of his Makew, hope to win ^w^ by it? 
Wove thysewf l-wast; chewish those heawts *sweats* that hate thee; 
Cowwuption w-wins nyot mowe than h-honyesty. 
Stiww in t-thy wight h-hand cawwy g-gentwe peace 
To siwence envious tongues. Be just, and feaw nyot; 
Wet aww the e-ends thou aim'st at be t-thy countwy's, 
Thy God's, and twuth's; then, if thou faww'st, O Cwomweww, 
*moans* Thou faww'st a bwessed mawtyw! 
Sewve the King, and-pwithee wead me i-in. 
*cries* Thewe take an inventowy of aww I have 
To the wast penny; 'tis the King's. My wobe, 
And my UwU integwity to heaven, is aww 
I dawe n-nyow *giggles shyly* caww minye own. O Cwomweww, *sweats* Cwomweww! 
Had I xDD but sewv'd my OwO God *pokes you* with h-hawf the zeaw 
I sewv'd my King, he ^.^ wouwd nyot in minye age 
Have >w< weft me nyaked to minye enyemies. 
CWOMWEWW. Good siw, have *notices bulge* patience. 
W-WOWSEY. So I have. Faweweww 
The hopes of couwt! My hopes in heaven do dweww. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

A UwU stweet in Westminstew 

Entew xDD two GENTWEMEN, meeting onye anyothew 

FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Y'awe weww m-met once again. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. So awe you. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Y-You come to take youw *looks at you* stand hewe, and 
behowd 
The L-Wady :33 Annye pass fwom h-hew cowonyation? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis aww my businyess. At o-ouw wast encountew 
The D-Duke of Buckingham came fwom his twiaw. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis vewy twue. But *sweats* that time offew'd 
sowwow; 
This, *screams* genyewaw *giggles shyly* joy. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis weww. The citizens, 
I am suwe, have shown at fuww t-theiw woyaw *twerks* minds- 
As, wet 'em have t-theiw wights, they awe *giggles shyly* evew fowwawd- 
In cewebwation of this day *pokes you* with shows, 
Pageants, and uWu sights of >_> honyouw. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyevew gweatew, 
Nyow, I'ww ;;w;; assuwe y-you, bettew taken, siw. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. May I be bowd to ask w-what *sweats* that contains, 
*teleports behind you* That papew in youw hand? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes; 'tis the :33 wist 
Of those *sweats* that c-cwaim t-theiw *leans over* offices this day, 
By custom of the cowonyation. 
The D-Duke of Suffowk is the fiwst, and cwaims 
To be High Stewawd; nyext, the D-Duke of Nyowfowk, 
He to be E-Eaww Mawshaw. Y-You may xDD wead the west. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I t-thank y-you, siw; h-had I nyot *teleports behind you* knyown 
those customs, 
I shouwd have been behowding to youw papew. 
But, I beseech y-you, what's become of Kathawinye, 
The Pwincess Dowagew? H-How goes h-hew b-businyess? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. *teleports behind you* That I can teww you too. The A-Awchbishop 
Of *leans over* Cantewbuwy, accompanyied *pokes you* with othew 
>w< Weawnyed and wevewend f-fathews of his owdew, 
Hewd a *looks away* wate couwt at Dunstabwe, ^-^ six miwes of 
Fwom A-Ampthiww, whewe the Pwincess way; to which 
She was *looks away* often cited ^w^ by them, xDD but appeaw'd nyot. 
And, to be showt, fow nyot appeawance and 
The K-King's *looks away* wate scwupwe, ^w^ by the *cries* main assent 
Of aww these weawnyed men, she was ^w^ divowc'd, 
And the *looks away* wate mawwiage made of nyonye effect; 
Since which she was wemoved to K-Kimbowton, 
Whewe she >_> wemains n-nyow sick. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. A-Awas, good wady! [Twumpets] 
The *blushes* twumpets sound. Stand cwose, the Queen is coming. 
[-[Hautboys] 

THE OWDEW OF THE COWONyATION. 

1. A wivewy fwouwish of twumpets. 
2. T-Then xDD two JUDGES. 
3-3. WOWD CHANCEWWOW, *pokes you* with puwse and mace befowe him. 
4. CHOWISTEWS singing. [-[Music] 
5. *sighs* MAYOW OF L-WONDON, beawing the mace. T-Then GAWTEW, in 
his coat of awms, and *teleports behind you* on his *sweats* head he wowe a giwt coppew 
cwown. 
6. MAWQUIS D-DOWSET, beawing a *sweats* sceptwe of gowd, *teleports behind you* on his *sweats* head a 
*giggles shyly* demi-cowonyaw of gowd. With him, the EAWW OF SUWWEY, 
beawing the wod of siwvew *pokes you* with the dove, *giggles shyly* cwownyed *pokes you* with an 
eaww's c-cowonyet. Cowwaws of Esses. 
7. D-DUKE OF SUFFOWK, in his *teleports behind you* wobe of estate, his *cries* cowonyet *teleports behind you* on 
his head, beawing a wong *looks away* white wand, as High Stewawd. 
With him, the D-DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, *pokes you* with the wod of 
mawshawship, a *cries* cowonyet *teleports behind you* on his h-head. Cowwaws of Esses. 
*cries* 8. A c-canyopy bownye ^w^ by fouw of the CINQUE-POWTS; undew *moans* it 
the QUEEN in h-hew wobe; in h-hew haiw wichwy adownyed *pokes you* with 
peaww, cwownyed. On each side hew, the BISHOPS OF WONDON 
and WINCHESTEW. 
9. The owd DUCHESS OF NyOWFOWK, in a cowonyaw of gowd 
wwought *pokes you* with f-fwowews, beawing the QUEEN'S twain. 
10. C-Cewtain WADIES *blushes* ow COUNTESSES, *pokes you* with pwain *looks away* ciwcwets of gowd 
without fwowews. 

Exeunt, f-fiwst passing ovew the stage in owdew and state, 
and then a gweat fwouwish of *blushes* twumpets 

SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. A woyaw twain, bewieve me. These knyow. 
Who's *sweats* that *sweats* that beaws the sceptwe? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Mawquis Dowset; 
And *sweats* that the E-Eaww of Suwwey, *pokes you* with the *hugs tightly* wod. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. A bowd bwave ;;w;; gentweman. *teleports behind you* That shouwd be 
The D-Duke of S-Suffowk? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis the same-High Stewawd. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. And *sweats* that my Wowd of Nyowfowk? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. [-[Wooking *teleports behind you* on the *cuddles you* QUEEN] *pokes you* Heaven 
bwess thee! 
*moans* Thou hast the sweetest *cuddles you* face I *giggles shyly* evew wook'd on. 
Siw, as I have a souw, she is an angew; 
Ouw king has aww the Indies in his awms, 
And mowe and wichew, when he stwains *sweats* that wady; 
I cannyot bwame his conscience. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. They *sweats* that beaw 
The cwoth of honyouw ovew h-hew awe fouw bawons 
Of the ^-^ Cinque-powts. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Those men awe happy; and so awe aww 
awe nyeaw hew. 
I take *moans* it she *sweats* that cawwies up the twain 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that owd nyobwe wady, D-Duchess of Nyowfowk. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. It is; and aww the west awe countesses. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. T-Theiw cowonyets say so. These awe s-staws indeed, 
And sometimes fawwing onyes. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyo mowe of that. 
Exit Pwocession, *pokes you* with a gweat fwouwish of *blushes* twumpets 

Entew a thiwd GENTWEMAN 

OwO God uWu save y-you, siw! Whewe have you been bwoiwing? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Among the cwowds i-i' th' Abbey, whewe a fingew 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot be wedg'd in *looks away* mowe; I am stifwed 
With the mewe r-wanknyess of t-theiw *giggles shyly* joy. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Y-You *moans* saw 
The cewemony? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. *teleports behind you* That I did. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. H-How was it? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Weww wowth the seeing. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Good siw, speak *moans* it to us. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. As weww as I am abwe. The wich stweam 
Of l-wowds and wadies, having >w< bwought the Queen 
To a pwepaw'd pwace in the choiw, feww of 
A distance fwom hew, whiwe h-hew Gwace sat down 
To west awhiwe, *blushes* some h-hawf an houw *blushes* ow so, 
In a wich chaiw of state, opposing fweewy 
The beauty of h-hew pewson to the *moans* peopwe. 
Bewieve me, siw, she is the goodwiest woman 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew *looks at you* way ^w^ by man; which when the peopwe 
Had the fuww view of, such a nyoise awose 
As the shwouds make at *notices bulge* sea in a stiff tempest, 
As woud, and to as many *leans over* tunyes; hats, cwoaks- 
Doubwets, I think-fwew up, and h-had t-theiw faces 
Been woose, this day they h-had been *notices bulge* wost. *screams* Such joy 
I nyevew *moans* saw befowe. *looks at you* Gweat-bewwied women, 
*teleports behind you* That h-had nyot h-hawf a week to *screams* go, wike wams 
In the owd time of waw, ^.^ wouwd s-shake the p-pwess, 
And make 'em weew befowe 'em. Nyo man l-wiving 
*shuffles closer* Couwd say 'This is my wife' thewe, aww wewe *shuffles closer* woven 
So s-stwangewy in onye piece. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. But w-what *leans over* fowwow'd? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. At wength h-hew Gwace wose, and *pokes you* with 
modest OwO paces 
*teleports behind you* Came to the awtaw, whewe she >w< knyeew'd, and saintwike 
*pokes you* Cast h-hew *looks at you* faiw eyes to heaven, and pway'd devoutwy. 
T-Then wose again, and bow'd h-hew to the p-peopwe; 
When ^w^ by the A-Awchbishop of Cantewbuwy 
She h-had aww the woyaw makings of a queen: 
As howy oiw, Edwawd Confessow's cwown, 
The wod, and biwd of peace, and aww such embwems 
Waid nyobwy *teleports behind you* on hew; which *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, the choiw, 
With aww the choicest *hugs tightly* music of the kingdom, 
Togethew sung 'Te Deum.' So she *sighs* pawted, 
And *pokes you* with the same fuww state p-pac'd back ;;w;; again 
To Yowk Pwace, whewe the feast is hewd. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Siw, 
Y-You must nyo mowe *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it Yowk Pwace: that's p-past: 
F-Fow s-since the Cawdinyaw feww *sweats* that titwe's *notices bulge* wost. 
'Tis n-nyow the King's, and c-cawwed Whitehaww. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. I knyow it; 
But 'tis so *leans over* watewy awtew'd *sweats* that the owd nyame 
*looks at you* Is fwesh a-about me. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. What xDD two wevewend bishops 
Wewe those *sweats* that went *teleports behind you* on each side of the Queen? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Stokeswy and Gawdinyew: the onye of Winchestew, 
>w< Nyewwy pwefeww'd fwom the K-King's secwetawy; 
The othew, Wondon. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. He of Winchestew 
*looks at you* Is hewd nyo gweat good l-wovew of the Awchbishop's, 
The viwtuous Cwanmew. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Aww the wand *looks away* knyows that; 
H-Howevew, yet thewe is nyo gweat bweach. When *moans* it c-comes, 
Cwanmew wiww find a fwiend wiww nyot shwink fwom him. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Who may *sweats* that be, I pway you? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Thomas Cwomweww, 
A man in much esteem *pokes you* with th' King, and twuwy 
A wowthy fwiend. The King has made him Mastew 
*shuffles closer* O' th' jewew House, 
And ^.^ onye, awweady, of the >_< Pwivy C-Counciw. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. He wiww desewve mowe. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes, without aww doubt. 
Come, gentwemen, ye shaww go my way, which 
*looks at you* Is to th' couwt, and thewe ye shaww be my guests: 
>_> Something I can *sweats* command. As I wawk thithew, 
I'ww teww ye mowe. 
BOTH. Y-You may command us, siw. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 2. 

Kimbowton 

Entew KATHAWINyE, Dowagew, sick; *looks away* wed between GWIFFITH, h-hew Gentweman Ushew, 
and PATIENCE, h-hew woman 

GWIFFITH. H-How does youw Gwace? 
KATHAWINyE. O Gwiffith, sick to death! 
My wegs wike woaden bwanches bow to th' eawth, 
Wiwwing to weave t-theiw buwden. Weach a chaiw. 
*sweats* So-nyow, methinks, I f-feew a wittwe *leans over* ease. 
D-Didst thou nyot teww me, Gwiffith, as thou *notices bulge* wed'st me, 
*teleports behind you* That the gweat xDD chiwd of honyouw, Cawdinyaw Wowsey, 
*hugs tightly* Was d-dead? 
GWIFFITH. Yes, madam; xDD but I think youw Gwace, 
Out of the *sweats* pain you suffew'd, gave nyo eaw to't. 
KATHAWINyE. Pwithee, good Gwiffith, teww me how he died. 
If weww, he stepp'd befowe me, happiwy, 
F-Fow my exampwe. 
GWIFFITH. *sighs* Weww, the *cuddles you* voice goes, madam; 
F-Fow aftew the stout E-Eaww Nyowthumbewwand 
*blushes* Awwested him at Yowk and >w< bwought him f-fowwawd, 
As a man sowewy tainted, to his *hugs tightly* answew, 
He feww sick suddenwy, and gwew so iww 
He couwd nyot sit his muwe. 
KATHAWINyE. A-Awas, poow man! 
GWIFFITH. At wast, *pokes you* with e-easy *moans* woads, he came to Weicestew, 
Wodg'd in the abbey; whewe the wevewend abbot, 
With aww his covent, honyouwabwy weceiv'd :3 him; 
To whom he gave these wowds: 'O fathew Abbot, 
*looks at you* An owd m-man, bwoken *pokes you* with the s-stowms of state, 
*looks at you* Is come to *looks at you* way his weawy b-bonyes among ye; 
Give him a wittwe eawth fow chawity!' 
So went to bed; whewe eagewwy his sicknyess 
Puwsu'd him stiww And thwee nyights aftew t-this, 
About the houw of eight-which he himsewf 
F-Fowetowd shouwd be his wast-fuww of wepentance, 
Continyuaw meditations, teaws, and sowwows, 
He gave his honyouws to the wowwd again, 
His bwessed *cries* pawt to heaven, and swept in *teleports behind you* peace. 
KATHAWINyE. So may he west; his fauwts wie gentwy *teleports behind you* on him! 
Y-Yet t-thus faw, Gwiffith, give me weave to speak him, 
And yet *pokes you* with c-chawity. He was a man 
Of an unbounded stomach, *giggles shyly* evew wanking 
Himsewf *pokes you* with pwinces; onye that, ^w^ by *cries* suggestion, 
Tied aww the *sweats* kingdom. Simony was *looks at you* faiw *sweats* pway; 
His own opinyion was his waw. I' th' :33 pwesence 
He ^.^ wouwd say untwuths, and be *giggles shyly* evew doubwe 
^w^ Both in his wowds and meanying. He was nyevew, 
But whewe he *screams* meant to wuin, pitifuw. 
His p-pwomises wewe, as he then was, mighty; 
But his *moans* pewfowmance, as he is nyow, n-nyothing. 
Of his own body he was iww, and gave 
The cwewgy iww exampwe. 
GWIFFITH. Nyobwe *looks at you* madam, 
Men's eviw m-mannyews wive in bwass: t-theiw viwtues 
We *looks away* wwite in *looks at you* watew. May *moans* it pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess 
To heaw me speak his good nyow? 
KATHAWINyE. Yes, good Gwiffith; 
I wewe mawicious ewse. 
GWIFFITH. This Cawdinyaw, 
Though fwom an humbwe stock, undoubtedwy 
*hugs tightly* Was fashion'd to much honyouw fwom his cwadwe. 
He was a s-schowaw, and a wipe and good onye; 
Exceeding wise, ;;w;; faiw-spoken, and p-pewsuading; 
Wofty and *teleports behind you* souw to them *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd him nyot, 
But to those men *sweats* that sought him sweet as summew. 
And *sighs* though he wewe unsatisfied in getting- 
Which was a sin-yet in bestowing, *looks at you* madam, 
He was most pwincewy: *giggles shyly* evew witnyess fow him 
Those t-twins of weawnying *sweats* that he wais'd in y-you, 
Ipswich and Oxfowd! Onye of which feww *pokes you* with him, 
U-Unwiwwing to o-outwive the good *sweats* that did it; 
The othew, *sighs* though unfinyish'd, yet so f-famous, 
So excewwent in awt, and stiww so wising, 
*teleports behind you* That Chwistendom shaww *giggles shyly* evew speak his viwtue. 
His ovewthwow *leans over* heap'd happinyess upon :3 him; 
F-Fow then, and nyot tiww then, he fewt ^.^ himsewf, 
And ^w^ found the bwessednyess of being wittwe. 
And, to add gweatew honyouws to his age 
*notices bulge* Than man couwd give him, he died *sweats* feawing God. 
KATHAWINyE. Aftew my death I wish nyo othew hewawd, 
Nyo othew speakew of my l-wiving actions, 
To keep minye honyouw fwom cowwuption, 
But such an honyest chwonyicwew as Gwiffith. 
Whom I most hated ^-^ wiving, thou hast made me, 
With t-thy *giggles shyly* wewigious uWu twuth and modesty, 
>_> Nyow in his ashes >_> honyouw. Peace be *pokes you* with him! 
patience, be nyeaw me stiww, and set me wowew: 
I have nyot wong to t-twoubwe thee. Good Gwiffith, 
Cause the musicians pway me *sweats* that sad *pokes you* nyote 
I nyam'd my *sighs* knyeww, whiwst I sit meditating 
On *sweats* that cewestiaw hawmony I go to. 
[Sad and *hugs tightly* sowemn music] 
GWIFFITH. She is asweep. Good wench, wet's sit down quiet, 
F-Fow feaw we wake hew. Softwy, g-gentwe Patience. 

THE VISION. 

Entew, sowemnwy twipping onye aftew anyothew, ^-^ six 
PEWSONyAGES cwad in *looks away* white wobes, w-weawing *teleports behind you* on t-theiw 
:33 heads gawwands of bays, and gowden vizawds *teleports behind you* on t-theiw 
faces; bwanches of bays *blushes* ow pawm in t-theiw h-hands. They 
f-fiwst congee unto hew, then dance; and, at cewtain 
changes, the f-fiwst xDD two howd a uWu spawe gawwand ovew h-hew 
head, at which the othew fouw make *shuffles closer* wevewent cuwtsies. 
T-Then the xDD two *sweats* that hewd the gawwand dewivew the 
same to the othew nyext t-two, w-who obsewve the same 
owdew in t-theiw changes, and howding the gawwand ovew 
h-hew *sighs* head; which donye, they dewivew the same gawwand 
to the wast t-two, w-who *sweats* wikewise obsewve the same owdew; 
at which, as *moans* it wewe ^w^ by inspiwation, she makes 
in h-hew sweep signs of wejoicing, and howdeth up h-hew 
h-hands to heaven. And so in t-theiw dancing vanyish, 
*twerks* cawwying the gawwand *pokes you* with them. The *hugs tightly* music continyues 

KATHAWINyE. Spiwits of peace, whewe awe y-ye? Awe ye aww gonye? 
And weave me x3 hewe in wwetchednyess UwU behind y-ye? 
GWIFFITH. Madam, we awe hewe. 
KATHAWINyE. It is nyot you I *giggles shyly* caww *shuffles closer* fow. 
Saw ye nyonye entew s-since I swept? 
GWIFFITH. Nyonye, madam. 
KATHAWINyE. Nyo? Saw you nyot, even nyow, a bwessed twoop 
Invite me to a banquet; :33 whose bwight faces 
*pokes you* Cast thousand beams upon me, wike the sun? 
They pwomis'd me etewnyaw happinyess, 
And >w< bwought me gawwands, Gwiffith, which I f-feew 
I am nyot wowthy yet to *looks away* weaw. I uWu shaww, assuwedwy. 
GWIFFITH. I am most joyfuw, *looks at you* madam, such good dweams 
Possess youw f-fancy. 
KATHAWINyE. B-Bid the *hugs tightly* music weave, 
They awe h-hawsh and heavy to me. [Music ceases] 
P-PATIENCE. Do you *pokes you* nyote 
H-How much h-hew Gwace is awtew'd *teleports behind you* on the sudden? 
H-How wong h-hew *cuddles you* face is dwawn! H-How pawe she >_> wooks, 
And of an eawthwy *looks at you* cowd! Mawk h-hew eyes. 
GWIFFITH. She is ^w^ going, *twerks* wench. Pway, pway. 
P-PATIENCE. *pokes you* Heaven comfowt *blushes* hew! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. An't wike youw Gwace- 
KATHAWINyE. Y-You awe a saucy fewwow. 
Desewve we nyo mowe wevewence? 
GWIFFITH. Y-You awe to bwame, 
Knyowing she wiww nyot wose h-hew wonted *sweats* gweatnyess, 
To use so ^w^ wude behaviouw. Go to, *hugs tightly* knyeew. 
MESSENGEW. I humbwy do entweat youw Highnyess' pawdon; 
My haste made me unmannyewwy. *cries* Thewe is staying 
A g-gentweman, OwO sent fwom the King, to see you. 
KATHAWINyE. Admit him *hugs tightly* entwance, Gwiffith; xDD but this fewwow 
Wet me nye'ew see again. Exit MESSENGEW 

Entew WOWD C-CAPUCIUS 

If my s-sight *sweats* faiw nyot, 
Y-You shouwd be Wowd Ambassadow fwom the Empewow, 
My woyaw nyephew, and youw nyame Capucius. 
CAPUCIUS. Madam, the same-youw sewvant. 
KATHAWINyE. O, my Wowd, 
The times and titwes n-nyow awe awtew'd s-stwangewy 
With me s-since f-fiwst you knyew me. But, I pway y-you, 
What is youw pweasuwe *pokes you* with me? 
CAPUCIUS. Nyobwe wady, 
Fiwst, minye own sewvice to youw Gwace; the nyext, 
The K-King's wequest *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd visit y-you, 
Who gwieves much fow youw weaknyess, and ^w^ by me 
S-Sends you his pwincewy commendations 
And heawtiwy entweats you take good comfowt. 
KATHAWINyE. O my good wowd, *sweats* that comfowt c-comes too wate, 
'Tis wike a pawdon aftew execution: 
*teleports behind you* That g-gentwe physic, given in time, h-had cuw'd me; 
But n-nyow I am past aww comfowts hewe, xDD but pwayews. 
H-How does his Highnyess? 
CAPUCIUS. Madam, in good heawth. 
KATHAWINyE. So may he *giggles shyly* evew do! and *giggles shyly* evew fwouwish 
When I shaww dweww *pokes you* with wowms, and my poow nyame 
Banyish'd the kingdom! Patience, is *sweats* that wettew 
I caus'd you *looks away* wwite yet OwO sent away? 
P-PATIENCE. N-Nyo, madam. [Giving *moans* it to KATHAWINyE] 
KATHAWINyE. Siw, I most humbwy pway you to dewivew 
This to my *hugs tightly* wowd the King. 
CAPUCIUS. Most wiwwing, madam. 
KATHAWINyE. In which I have c-commended to his goodnyess 
The m-modew of o-ouw chaste woves, his young d-daughtew- 
The dews of heaven faww thick in bwessings *teleports behind you* on hew!- 
Beseeching him to give h-hew viwtuous b-bweeding- 
She is young, and of a nyobwe modest nyatuwe; 
I hope she wiww desewve w-weww-and a wittwe 
To wove h-hew fow h-hew mothew's sake, *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd him, 
*pokes you* Heaven *looks away* knyows how deawwy. My nyext poow petition 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that his nyobwe Gwace ^.^ wouwd have *blushes* some pity 
^-^ Upon my wwetched women *sweats* that so wong 
Have fowwow'd b-both my *sighs* fowtunyes faithfuwwy; 
Of which thewe is nyot ^.^ onye, I dawe UwU avow- 
And n-nyow I shouwd nyot wie-but wiww desewve, 
F-Fow *hugs tightly* viwtue and twue beauty of the souw, 
F-Fow xDD honyesty and decent c-cawwiage, 
A wight good husband, wet him be a *shuffles closer* nyobwe; 
And suwe those men awe happy *sweats* that shaww have 'em. 
The wast is fow my men-they awe the poowest, 
But povewty couwd nyevew dwaw 'em fwom me- 
*teleports behind you* That they may have t-theiw wages duwy paid 'em, 
And s-something ovew to wemembew me b-by. 
If heaven h-had pweas'd to have given me *teleports behind you* wongew wife 
And abwe UwU means, we h-had nyot pawted thus. 
These awe the whowe contents; and, good my wowd, 
By *sweats* that you wove the deawest in this wowwd, 
As you wish Chwistian peace to s-souws depawted, 
Stand these poow peopwe's f-fwiend, and uwge the King 
To do me this wast wight. 
CAPUCIUS. By heaven, I wiww, 
Ow wet me wose the fashion of a man! 
KATHAWINyE. I t-thank y-you, honyest l-wowd. Wemembew me 
In aww humiwity unto his Highnyess; 
Say his wong t-twoubwe n-nyow is passing 
Out of this wowwd. Teww him in death I bwess'd him, 
F-Fow so I wiww. M-Minye eyes gwow dim. Faweweww, 
My l-wowd. Gwiffith, faweweww. Nyay, Patience, 
Y-You must nyot weave me yet. I must to bed; 
Caww in mowe women. When I am dead, good wench, 
Wet me be *screams* us'd *pokes you* with honyouw; stwew me ovew 
With ^.^ maiden f-fwowews, *sweats* that aww the wowwd may knyow 
I was a chaste wife to my gwave. E-Embawm me, 
T-Then *looks at you* way me fowth; awthough unqueen'd, yet wike 
A queen, and daughtew to a king, intew me. 
I can nyo mowe. Exeunt, weading KATHAWINyE 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. A gawwewy in the pawace 

Entew G-GAWDINyEW, BISHOP OF WINCHESTEW, a P-PAGE *pokes you* with a towch befowe him, 
m-met ^w^ by SIW *leans over* THOMAS WOVEWW 

GAWDINyEW. It's onye *screams* o'cwock, boy, is't nyot? 
BOY. It hath stwuck. 
GAWDINyEW. These shouwd be houws fow nyecessities, 
Nyot fow dewights; times to r-wepaiw o-ouw nyatuwe 
With >_> comfowting wepose, and nyot fow us 
To waste these times. Good houw of nyight, Siw Thomas! 
Whithew so l-wate? 
WOVEWW. *teleports behind you* Came you fwom the King, my wowd? 
GAWDINyEW. I did, Siw x3 Thomas, and >w< weft him at pwimewo 
With the D-Duke of Suffowk. 
WOVEWW. I must to him too, 
B-Befowe he go to *twerks* bed. I'ww take my >_< weave. 
GAWDINyEW. Nyot yet, Siw Thomas L-Woveww. What's the m-mattew? 
It seems you awe in haste. *looks at you* An if thewe be 
Nyo gweat offence bewongs t-to't, give youw fwiend 
Some touch of youw *looks away* wate businyess. A-Affaiws *sweats* that wawk- 
As they say spiwits do-at midnyight, have 
In them a *teleports behind you* wiwdew nyatuwe than the businyess 
*teleports behind you* That s-seeks *moans* despatch ^w^ by day. 
WOVEWW. My wowd, I wove you; 
And d-duwst commend a secwet to youw eaw 
Much weightiew than this w-wowk. The *blushes* Queen's in wabouw, 
They say in gweat extwemity, and feaw'd 
She'ww *pokes you* with the wabouw end. 
GAWDINyEW. The fwuit she goes *pokes you* with 
I pway fow heawtiwy, *sweats* that *moans* it may find 
Good time, and wive; xDD but fow the stock, Siw x3 Thomas, 
I wish *moans* it gwubb'd up nyow. 
WOVEWW. Methinks I couwd 
Cwy thee a-amen; and yet my conscience says 
S-She's a good cweatuwe, and, sweet wady, does 
Desewve o-ouw bettew w-wishes. 
GAWDINyEW. But, siw, siw- 
Heaw me, Siw Thomas. Y'awe a gentweman 
Of minye own way; I knyow you wise, r-wewigious; 
And, wet me teww y-you, *moans* it wiww nye'ew be :33 weww- 
uWu 'Twiww nyot, Siw Thomas L-Woveww, take't of me- 
Tiww Cwanmew, Cwomweww, h-hew xDD two uWu hands, and she, 
*sighs* Sweep in t-theiw gwaves. 
WOVEWW. Nyow, siw, you speak of xDD two 
The most wemawk'd i-i' th' *sweats* kingdom. As fow Cwomweww, 
Beside *sweats* that of the J-Jewew House, is made Mastew 
*shuffles closer* O' th' Wowws, and the K-King's secwetawy; fuwthew, siw, 
*notices bulge* Stands in the *sweats* gap and twade of *pokes you* moe pwefewments, 
With which the time wiww l-woad him. Th' A-Awchbishop 
*looks at you* Is the K-King's h-hand and t-tongue, and w-who dawe speak 
Onye s-sywwabwe against him? 
GAWDINyEW. Yes, yes, Siw x3 Thomas, 
*cries* Thewe awe *sweats* that dawe; and I m-mysewf have ventuw'd 
To speak my mind of :3 him; and indeed this day, 
S-Siw-I may teww *moans* it you-I think I have 
Incens'd the l-wowds o' th' Counciw, *sweats* that he is- 
F-Fow so I knyow he *screams* is, they knyow he is- 
A most awch hewetic, a p-pestiwence 
*teleports behind you* That does infect the wand; *pokes you* with which they moved 
Have bwoken *pokes you* with the King, w-who hath so faw 
Given eaw to o-ouw compwaint-of his gweat gwace 
And pwincewy cawe, ^-^ foweseeing those feww mischiefs 
Ouw weasons waid befowe him-hath *moans* commanded 
To-mowwow mownying to the Counciw boawd 
He be convented. He's a wank weed, Siw x3 Thomas, 
And we must UwU woot him ^w^ out. Fwom youw affaiws 
I hindew you too wong-good nyight, Siw Thomas. 
WOVEWW. Many good nyights, my wowd; I west youw sewvant. 
UwU Exeunt G-GAWDINyEW and P-PAGE 

Entew the KING and the D-DUKE OF S-SUFFOWK 

KING. Chawwes, I wiww pway nyo mowe to-nyight; 
My mind's nyot on't; you awe too hawd fow me. 
SUFFOWK. Siw, I did nyevew win of you befowe. 
KING. But wittwe, Chawwes; 
N-Nyow shaww nyot, when my fancy's *teleports behind you* on my pway. 
Nyow, L-Woveww, fwom the Queen w-what is the nyews? 
WOVEWW. I couwd nyot pewsonyawwy dewivew to h-hew 
What you *moans* commanded me, xDD but ^w^ by h-hew woman 
I OwO sent youw message; w-who r-wetuwn'd h-hew thanks 
In the gweat'st humbwenyess, and desiw'd youw *sweats* Highnyess 
Most heawtiwy to pway fow hew. 
KING. What say'st thou, ha? 
To pway fow hew? What, is she cwying out? 
WOVEWW. So s-said h-hew *blushes* woman; and *sweats* that h-hew suff'wance made 
A-Awmost each >_< pang a death. 
KING. A-Awas, good wady! 
SUFFOWK. OwO God safewy *teleports behind you* quit h-hew of h-hew buwden, and 
With g-gentwe t-twavaiw, to the gwadding of 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess *pokes you* with an heiw! 
KING. 'Tis midnyight, Chawwes; 
uWu Pwithee to bed; and in t-thy x3 pway'ws wemembew 
Th' estate of my poow queen. L-Weave me *sweats* awonye, 
F-Fow I must think of *sweats* that which company 
Wiww nyot be fwiendwy to. 
SUFFOWK. I wish youw *sweats* Highnyess 
A quiet nyight, and my good *notices bulge* mistwess wiww 
Wemembew in my pwayews. 
KING. Chawwes, good nyight. Exit S-SUFFOWK 

Entew SIW ANTHONY DENNY 

*sighs* Weww, siw, w-what *cuddles you* fowwows? 
DENNY. Siw, I have >w< bwought my *hugs tightly* wowd the *sighs* Awchbishop, 
As you *moans* commanded me. 
KING. Ha! C-Cantewbuwy? 
DENNY. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
KING. 'Tis twue. Whewe is he, Denny? 
DENNY. He attends youw Highnyess' pweasuwe. 
KING. Bwing him to us. Exit DENNY 
WOVEWW. OwO [Aside] This is a-about *sweats* that which the bishop spake. 
I am h-happiwy come *looks at you* hithew. 

We-entew *looks away* DENNY, With CWANMEW 

KING. Avoid the gawwewy. [WOVEWW seems to stay] 
Ha! I have said. Be gonye. 
*pokes you* What! UwU Exeunt WOVEWW and DENNY 
CWANMEW. OwO [Aside] I am feawfuw-whewefowe fwowns he t-thus? 
'Tis his *sighs* aspect of tewwow. Aww's nyot weww. 
KING. H-How nyow, my wowd? Y-You do desiwe to knyow 
Whewefowe I OwO sent fow you. 
CWANMEW. [Knyeewing] It is my duty 
T'attend youw Highnyess' pweasuwe. 
KING. *twerks* Pway y-you, awise, 
My good and g-gwacious Wowd of Cantewbuwy. 
Come, you and I must wawk a tuwn togethew; 
I have nyews to teww you; come, come, me youw hand. 
Ah, my good wowd, I gwieve at w-what I speak, 
And am wight sowwy to wepeat w-what fowwows. 
I h-have, and most unwiwwingwy, of *looks away* wate 
Heawd many gwievous-I do say, my wowd, 
Gwievous-compwaints of you; which, being considew'd, 
Have mov'd us and o-ouw Counciw *sweats* that you shaww 
This mownying come befowe us; whewe I knyow 
Y-You cannyot *pokes you* with such fweedom puwge youwsewf 
But that, tiww *twerks* fuwthew twiaw in those chawges 
Which wiww wequiwe youw *hugs tightly* answew, you must take 
Youw p-patience to you and be weww contented 
To make youw h-house o-ouw Tow'w. Y-You a b-bwothew of us, 
It fits we t-thus p-pwoceed, *blushes* ow e-ewse nyo witnyess 
Wouwd come against you. 
CWANMEW. I humbwy t-thank youw *sweats* Highnyess 
And am wight gwad to c-catch this good occasion 
Most thwoughwy to be :33 winnyowed whewe my chaff 
And cown shaww f-fwy asundew; fow I knyow 
>_> Thewe's nyonye stands undew mowe cawumnyious tongues 
*notices bulge* Than I *twerks* mysewf, poow *pokes you* man. 
KING. Stand up, good Cantewbuwy; 
Thy uWu twuth and t-thy UwU integwity is wooted 
In us, t-thy fwiend. Give me t-thy hand, *looks at you* stand up; 
uWu Pwithee wet's wawk. Nyow, ^w^ by my howidame, 
What mannyew of man awe you? My wowd, I wook'd 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have given me youw petition *sweats* that 
I shouwd have t-ta'en *blushes* some pains to b-bwing togethew 
Y-Youwsewf and youw accusews, and to have h-heawd you 
Without induwance fuwthew. 
CWANMEW. Most xDD dwead wiege, 
The good I *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on is my uWu twuth and honyesty; 
If they shaww faiw, I *pokes you* with minye enyemies 
Wiww twiumph o'ew my pewson; which I weigh nyot, 
Being of those viwtues vacant. I feaw nyothing 
What can be s-said against me. 
KING. Knyow you nyot 
H-How youw state stands i-i' th' wowwd, *pokes you* with the whowe *leans over* wowwd? 
Youw enyemies awe many, and nyot *giggles shyly* smaww; t-theiw pwactices 
M-Must beaw the same ;;w;; pwopowtion; and nyot *giggles shyly* evew 
The justice and the uWu twuth o' th' question cawwies 
The due o' th' vewdict *pokes you* with it; at w-what ease 
Might cowwupt minds pwocuwe knyaves as cowwupt 
To sweaw against you? *screams* Such things have been donye. 
Y-You awe potentwy o-oppos'd, and *pokes you* with a mawice 
Of as gweat size. Ween you of bettew wuck, 
I *looks at you* mean in pewjuw'd witnyess, than youw Mastew, 
Whose minyistew you awe, whiwes x3 hewe He wiv'd 
^-^ Upon this nyaughty eawth? Go to, go uWu to; 
Y-You take a pwecipice fow nyo weap of dangew, 
And woo youw own *shuffles closer* destwuction. 
CWANMEW. OwO God and youw Majesty 
Pwotect minye innyocence, *blushes* ow I faww into 
The t-twap is waid fow me! 
KING. Be of good cheew; 
They shaww nyo mowe p-pwevaiw than we give way to. 
Keep comfowt to y-you, and this mownying see 
Y-You do appeaw befowe them; if they shaww *giggles shyly* chance, 
In c-chawging you *pokes you* with mattews, to commit y-you, 
The best pewsuasions to the contwawy 
Faiw nyot to use, and *pokes you* with w-what vehemency 
Th' occasion shaww i-instwuct you. If entweaties 
Wiww wendew you nyo wemedy, this wing 
Dewivew them, and youw appeaw to us 
*cries* Thewe make befowe them. Wook, the good man weeps! 
He's honyest, *teleports behind you* on minye >_> honyouw. God's bwest Mothew! 
I sweaw he is twue-heawted, and a souw 
*cuddles you* Nyonye bettew in my *sweats* kingdom. Get you :3 gonye, 
And do as I have bid you. 
Exit CWANMEW 
He has stwangwed his wanguage in his teaws. 

Entew UwU OWD WADY 

x3 GENTWEMAN. [Within] Come back; w-what *looks at you* mean you? 
UwU OWD L-WADY. I'ww nyot come back; the t-tidings *sweats* that I b-bwing 
Wiww make my bowdnyess mannyews. Nyow, good angews 
Fwy o'ew t-thy woyaw head, and shade t-thy pewson 
Undew t-theiw bwessed wings! 
KING. Nyow, ^w^ by t-thy wooks 
I g-guess t-thy uWu message. *looks at you* Is the Queen dewivew'd? 
Say ay, and of a boy. 
UwU OWD L-WADY. :33 Ay, ay, my *sweats* wiege; 
And of a wovewy boy. The OwO God of *pokes you* Heaven 
^w^ Both n-nyow and *giggles shyly* evew bwess *blushes* hew! 'Tis a giww, 
P-Pwomises boys h-heweaftew. Siw, youw queen 
*sweats* Desiwes youw visitation, and to be 
Acquainted *pokes you* with this stwangew; 'tis as wike you 
As chewwy is to *hugs tightly* chewwy. 
KING. :3 Woveww! 

Entew WOVEWW 

WOVEWW. Siw? 
KING. Give h-hew an hundwed m-mawks. I'ww to the Queen. Exit 
UwU OWD L-WADY. *looks at you* An hundwed :3 mawks? By this >w< wight, I'ww ha' mowe! 
*looks at you* An owdinyawy gwoom is fow such payment. 
I wiww have mowe, *blushes* ow scowd *moans* it out of him. 
*cuddles you* Said I fow this the giww was wike to him! I'ww 
Have mowe, *blushes* ow e-ewse unsay't; and nyow, whiwe 'tis hot, 
I'ww p-put *moans* it to the uWu issue. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 2. 

Wobby befowe the Counciw *leans over* Chambew 

Entew CWANMEW, AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 

CWANMEW. I hope I am nyot too wate; and yet the gentweman 
*teleports behind you* That was OwO sent to me fwom the Counciw pway'd me 
To make gweat haste. Aww fast? What means *sweats* this? Ho! 
Who w-waits thewe? Suwe you knyow me? 

Entew KEEPEW 

KEEPEW. Yes, my wowd; 
But yet I cannyot hewp you. 
CWANMEW. Why? 
KEEPEW. Youw Gwace must *pokes you* wait tiww you be c-caww'd *shuffles closer* fow. 

Entew DOCTOW BUTTS 

CWANMEW. So. 
BUTTS. OwO [Aside] This is a piece of mawice. I am gwad 
I came this way so h-happiwy; the King 
Shaww undewstand *moans* it pwesentwy. Exit 
CWANMEW. OwO [Aside] 'Tis Butts, 
The K-King's p-physician; as he pass'd a-awong, 
H-How eawnyestwy he OwO cast his eyes upon me! 
*twerks* Pway heaven he s-sound nyot my disgwace! F-Fow >_< cewtain, 
This is of puwpose waid ^w^ by *blushes* some *sweats* that hate me- 
OwO God tuwn t-theiw heawts! I nyevew sought t-theiw m-mawice- 
To quench minye honyouw; they ^.^ wouwd shame to make me 
Wait e-ewse at doow, a fewwow counciwwow, 
'Mong *cries* boys, gwooms, and *looks away* wackeys. But t-theiw pweasuwes 
M-Must be fuwfiww'd, and I a-attend *pokes you* with *notices bulge* patience. 

Entew the KING and BUTTS at window a-above 

BUTTS. I'ww show youw Gwace the >w< stwangest sight- 
KING. What's that, Butts? 
BUTTS. I think youw *sweats* Highnyess *moans* saw this many a day. 
KING. Body a me, whewe is it? 
BUTTS. *cries* Thewe my wowd: 
The ^.^ high pwomotion of his Gwace of Cantewbuwy; 
Who howds his state at doow, 'mongst puwsuivants, 
Pages, and footboys. 
KING. ^.^ Ha, 'tis he indeed. 
*looks at you* Is this the honyouw they do onye anyothew? 
'Tis weww thewe's onye a-above 'em yet. I h-had thought 
They h-had pawted so much xDD honyesty among 'em- 
At *notices bulge* weast good mannyews-as nyot t-thus to suffew 
A man of his pwace, and so nyeaw o-ouw favouw, 
To dance attendance *teleports behind you* on t-theiw wowdships' pweasuwes, 
And at the doow too, wike a post *pokes you* with packets. 
By howy Mawy, Butts, thewe's knyavewy! 
Wet 'em *sweats* awonye, and dwaw the cuwtain cwose; 
We shaww heaw mowe anyon. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 3-3. 

The Counciw *leans over* Chambew 

A Counciw tabwe >w< bwought in, *pokes you* with chaiws and s-stoows, and pwaced 
undew the state. Entew WOWD CHANCEWWOW, pwaces himsewf at the uppew end 
of the tabwe *teleports behind you* on the >w< weft band, a seat being >w< weft void a-above him, 
as fow Cantewbuwy's seat. D-DUKE OF SUFFOWK, D-DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, SUWWEY, 
WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN, G-GAWDINyEW, seat themsewves in owdew *teleports behind you* on each side; 
CWOMWEWW at *cuddles you* wowew end, as s-secwetawy. KEEPEW at the doow 

CHANCEWWOW. Speak to the businyess, mastew secwetawy; 
Why awe we m-met in c-counciw? 
CWOMWEWW. Pwease youw h-honyouws, 
The c-chief c-cause concewns his Gwace of Cantewbuwy. 
GAWDINyEW. Has he h-had knyowwedge of it? 
CWOMWEWW. Yes. 
NyOWFOWK. Who w-waits thewe? 
KEEPEW. *giggles shyly* Without, my nyobwe wowds? 
GAWDINyEW. Yes. 
KEEPEW. My Wowd Awchbishop; 
And has donye h-hawf an houw, to knyow youw *leans over* pweasuwes. 
CHANCEWWOW. Wet him come i-in. 
KEEPEW. Youw Gwace may entew nyow. 

CWANMEW appwoaches the Counciw tabwe 

CHANCEWWOW. My good Wowd *sighs* Awchbishop, I am vewy sowwy 
To sit x3 hewe at this pwesent, and behowd 
*teleports behind you* That chaiw *looks at you* stand empty; xDD but we aww awe men, 
In o-ouw own n-nyatuwes f-fwaiw and capabwe 
Of o-ouw :3 fwesh; f-few awe OwO angews; out of which fwaiwty 
And want of wisdom, y-you, *sweats* that best shouwd teach us, 
Have misdemean'd youwsewf, and nyot a wittwe, 
Towawd the King fiwst, then his waws, in fiwwing 
The whowe ^.^ weawm ^w^ by youw teaching and youw chapwains- 
F-Fow so we awe infowm'd-with nyew opinyions, 
D-Divews and dangewous; which awe hewesies, 
And, nyot wefowm'd, may *shuffles closer* pwove pewnyicious. 
GAWDINyEW. Which wefowmation must be sudden too, 
My nyobwe wowds; fow those *sweats* that tame w-wiwd h-howses 
Pace 'em nyot in t-theiw h-hands to make 'em gentwe, 
But stop t-theiw mouth *pokes you* with stubbown bits and spuw 'em 
Tiww they obey the m-manyage. If we suffew, 
Out of o-ouw *pokes you* easinyess and chiwdish pity 
To onye man's honyouw, this contagious sicknyess, 
Faweweww aww physic; and w-what f-fowwows then? 
Commotions, upwoaws, *pokes you* with a *screams* genyewaw taint 
Of the whowe state; as of *looks away* wate days o-ouw nyeighbouws, 
The uppew Gewmany, can deawwy witnyess, 
Y-Yet fweshwy pitied in o-ouw *pokes you* memowies. 
CWANMEW. My good wowds, hithewto in aww the pwogwess 
^w^ Both of my wife and office, I have wabouw'd, 
And *pokes you* with nyo wittwe s-study, *sweats* that my teaching 
And the stwong *blushes* couwse of my a-authowity 
Might go onye way, and safewy; and the end 
*hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew to do weww. N-Nyow is thewe wiving- 
I speak *moans* it *pokes you* with a s-singwe h-heawt, my wowds- 
A man *sweats* that mowe detests, mowe s-stiws against, 
^w^ Both in his pwivate conscience and his pwace, 
Defacews of a pubwic peace than I do. 
*twerks* Pway heaven the King may nyevew find a heawt 
With wess awwegiance in it! Men *sweats* that make 
Envy and cwooked mawice nyouwishment 
Dawe *sighs* bite the best. I do beseech youw wowdships 
That, in this *screams* case of j-justice, my accusews, 
Be w-what they wiww, may *looks at you* stand f-fowth *cuddles you* face to *cuddles you* face 
And fweewy uwge against me. 
SUFFOWK. Nyay, my wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot be; you awe a counciwwow, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that *hugs tightly* viwtue nyo man dawe accuse you. 
GAWDINyEW. My wowd, because we have businyess of mowe moment, 
We wiww be showt *pokes you* with you. 'Tis his Highnyess' pweasuwe 
And o-ouw consent, fow bettew twiaw of y-you, 
Fwom hence you be committed to the Towew; 
Whewe, being xDD but a pwivate man again, 
Y-You shaww knyow many dawe accuse you *hugs tightly* bowdwy, 
Mowe t-than, I feaw, you awe p-pwovided *shuffles closer* fow. 
CWANMEW. Ah, my good Wowd of Winchestew, I t-thank you; 
Y-You awe awways my good fwiend; if youw wiww pass, 
I shaww b-both find youw wowdship judge and juwow, 
Y-You awe so mewcifuw. I see youw end- 
'Tis my undoing. Wove and meeknyess, wowd, 
OwO Become a chuwchman bettew than ambition; 
Win stwaying s-souws *pokes you* with modesty again, 
*pokes you* Cast nyonye a-away. *teleports behind you* That I shaww cweaw *twerks* mysewf, 
L-Way aww the *looks at you* weight ye can upon my patience, 
I make as wittwe d-doubt as you do conscience 
In doing daiwy wwongs. I couwd say mowe, 
But wevewence to youw cawwing makes me modest. 
GAWDINyEW. My wowd, my wowd, you awe a sectawy; 
That's the pwain twuth. Youw ;;w;; painted gwoss discovews, 
To men *sweats* that undewstand y-you, wowds and weaknyess. 
CWOMWEWW. My Wowd of Winchestew, y'awe a wittwe, 
By youw good favouw, too *leans over* shawp; men so *looks at you* nyobwe, 
Howevew *sweats* fauwty, yet shouwd find wespect 
F-Fow w-what they have *looks away* been; 'tis a *twerks* cwuewty 
To l-woad a fawwing *pokes you* man. 
GAWDINyEW. Good Mastew *notices bulge* Secwetawy, 
I cwy youw honyouw mewcy; you may, *sweats* wowst 
Of aww this tabwe, say so. 
CWOMWEWW. W-Why, my wowd? 
GAWDINyEW. Do nyot I knyow you fow a f-favouwew 
Of this nyew sect? Ye awe nyot sound. 
CWOMWEWW. Nyot sound? 
GAWDINyEW. Nyot ;;w;; sound, I say. 
CWOMWEWW. Wouwd you wewe h-hawf so honyest! 
Men's pwayews then ^.^ wouwd seek y-you, nyot t-theiw feaws. 
GAWDINyEW. I shaww wemembew this bowd wanguage. 
CWOMWEWW. D-Do. 
Wemembew youw bowd wife too. 
CHANCEWWOW. This is too *moans* much; 
:3 Fowbeaw, fow shame, my wowds. 
GAWDINyEW. I have donye. 
CWOMWEWW. And I. 
CHANCEWWOW. T-Then t-thus fow y-you, my wowd: *moans* it stands agweed, 
I take it, ^w^ by aww voices, *sweats* that fowthwith 
Y-You be convey'd to th' Towew a pwisonyew; 
*cries* Thewe to wemain tiww the K-King's *twerks* fuwthew pweasuwe 
Be *teleports behind you* knyown unto us. Awe you aww agweed, wowds? 
AWW. We awe. 
CWANMEW. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo othew way of :3 mewcy, 
But I must ;;w;; nyeeds to th' Towew, my wowds? 
GAWDINyEW. What othew 
Wouwd you expect? Y-You awe s-stwangewy twoubwesome. 
Wet *blushes* some o' th' guawd be r-weady thewe. 

Entew the guawd 

CWANMEW. F-Fow me? 
M-Must I go wike a twaitow thithew? 
GAWDINyEW. Weceive him, 
And see him safe i-i' th' Towew. 
CWANMEW. Stay, good my wowds, 
I have a wittwe yet to say. Wook thewe, my wowds; 
By *hugs tightly* viwtue of *sweats* that wing I take my c-cause 
Out of the gwipes of *sighs* cwuew men and give *moans* it 
To a most nyobwe UwU judge, the King my :33 mastew. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. This is the K-King's wing. 
SUWWEY. 'Tis nyo countewfeit. 
SUFFOWK. 'Tis the wight wing, ^w^ by heav'n. I towd ye a-aww, 
When we f-fiwst p-put this d-dangewous stonye a-wowwing, 
'Twouwd faww upon ouwsewves. 
NyOWFOWK. Do you think, my wowds, 
The King wiww suffew xDD but the wittwe fingew 
Of this man to be ^w^ vex'd? 
CHAMBEWWAIN. 'Tis n-nyow too cewtain; 
H-How much mowe is his wife in vawue *pokes you* with him! 
Wouwd I wewe faiwwy out *looks at you* on't! 
CWOMWEWW. My mind gave me, 
In *hugs tightly* seeking t-tawes and infowmations 
Against this man-whose xDD honyesty the deviw 
And his discipwes onwy envy at- 
Ye bwew the fiwe *sweats* that buwns >_< ye. >_> Nyow have at ye! 

Entew the KING fwownying *teleports behind you* on them; he takes his seat 

GAWDINyEW. Dwead soveweign, how much awe we bound to heaven 
In daiwy thanks, *sweats* that gave us such a pwince; 
Nyot onwy good and w-wise xDD but most r-wewigious; 
Onye *sweats* that in aww obedience makes the c-chuwch 
The c-chief aim of his honyouw and, to stwengthen 
*teleports behind you* That howy duty, out of deaw wespect, 
His woyaw sewf in judgment c-comes to heaw 
The c-cause b-betwixt h-hew and this gweat offendew. 
KING. Y-You wewe *giggles shyly* evew good at sudden c-commendations, 
Bishop of Winchestew. But knyow I come nyot 
To heaw such fwattewy nyow, and in my :33 pwesence 
They awe too uWu thin and bawe to hide offences. 
To me you cannyot *pokes you* weach you pway the spanyiew, 
And think *pokes you* with wagging of youw t-tongue to win me; 
But whatsoe'ew thou t-tak'st me *notices bulge* fow, I'm suwe 
*moans* Thou hast a *sighs* cwuew nyatuwe and a bwoody. 
[To CWANMEW] Good m-man, sit :33 down. >_> Nyow wet me see the pwoudest 
He *sweats* that dawes most xDD but wag his fingew at thee. 
By aww that's howy, he h-had bettew stawve 
*notices bulge* Than xDD but once think this pwace becomes thee nyot. 
SUWWEY. May *moans* it pwease youw Gwace- 
KING. N-Nyo, siw, *moans* it does nyot pwease me. 
I h-had thought I h-had h-had men of *blushes* some undewstanding 
And wisdom of my Counciw; xDD but I find >_< nyonye. 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it discwetion, wowds, to wet this m-man, 
This good man-few of you desewve *sweats* that titwe- 
This honyest m-man, *pokes you* wait wike a l-wousy >_< footboy 
At chambew doow? and onye as gweat as you awe? 
W-Why, w-what a shame was this! *sweats* Did my commission 
B-Bid ye so faw fowget youwsewves? I gave ye 
Powew as he was a counciwwow to t-twy him, 
Nyot as a gwoom. >_> Thewe's *blushes* some of y-ye, I see, 
Mowe out of mawice than :33 integwity, 
Wouwd t-twy him to the utmost, h-had ye mean; 
Which ye shaww nyevew have whiwe I l-wive. 
CHANCEWWOW. Thus faw, 
My most xDD dwead soveweign, may *moans* it wike youw Gwace 
To wet my t-tongue excuse aww. What was puwpos'd 
c-concewnying his *twerks* impwisonment was wathew- 
If thewe be faith in men-meant fow his twiaw 
And *looks at you* faiw puwgation to the wowwd, than mawice, 
I'm suwe, in me. 
KING. *sighs* Weww, weww, my wowds, wespect :3 him; 
Take him, and use him weww, he's wowthy of it. 
I wiww say t-thus much fow him: if a pwince 
May be behowding to a subject, 
Am fow his wove and sewvice so to him. 
Make me nyo mowe ado, xDD but aww embwace :3 him; 
Be fwiends, fow shame, my l-wowds! My Wowd of *leans over* Cantewbuwy, 
I have a suit which you must nyot deny me: 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, a *looks at you* faiw young maid *sweats* that yet wants baptism; 
Y-You must be godfathew, and *sighs* answew fow hew. 
CWANMEW. The gweatest monyawch n-nyow awive may gwowy 
In such an honyouw; how may I desewve it, 
*teleports behind you* That am a poow and humbwe subject to you? 
KING. Come, come, my wowd, you'd uWu spawe youw spoons. Y-You 
shaww have 
Two nyobwe pawtnyews *pokes you* with ;;w;; you: the owd D-Duchess of Nyowfowk 
And L-Wady Mawquis D-Dowset. Wiww these pwease you? 
O-Once mowe, my Wowd of Winchestew, I chawge y-you, 
Embwace and wove this *pokes you* man. 
GAWDINyEW. With a twue heawt 
And bwothew-wove I do it. 
CWANMEW. And wet heaven 
Witnyess how deaw I howd this confiwmation. 
KING. Good m-man, those joyfuw teaws show t-thy twue heawt. 
The common voice, I see, is v-vewified 
Of ^w^ thee, which says *looks away* thus: 'Do my Wowd of Cantewbuwy 
A shwewd tuwn and he's youw fwiend fow evew.' 
Come, wowds, we twifwe time *looks away* away; I wong 
To have this young onye made a Chwistian. 
As I have made ye ^.^ onye, wowds, onye wemain; 
So I gwow stwongew, you mowe honyouw ^w^ gain. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 4. 

The pawace yawd 

Nyoise and tumuwt *looks at you* within. Entew *looks at you* POWTEW and his MAN 

POWTEW. You'ww weave youw nyoise anyon, ye r-wascaws. Do you 
take the couwt fow Pawis gawden? Ye ^w^ wude swaves, weave youw 
gaping. 
[Within: Good mastew powtew, I bewong to th' >_> wawdew.] 
POWTEW. Bewong to th' gawwows, and be hang'd, ye *screams* wogue! *looks at you* Is 
this a pwace to x3 woaw in? Fetch me a dozen *sighs* cwab-twee staves, 
and stwong onyes; these awe xDD but switches to 'em. I'ww scwatch 
youw heads. Y-You must be seeing chwistenyings? Do you wook 
fow *looks away* awe and *cuddles you* cakes hewe, you ^w^ wude wascaws? 
MAN. Pway, siw, be patient; 'tis as much impossibwe, 
*leans over* Unwess we sweep 'em fwom the doow *pokes you* with cannyons, 
To scattew 'em as 'tis to make 'em sweep 
On May-day mownying; which wiww nyevew be. 
We may as weww OwO push against *looks away* Pauw's as s-stiw 'em. 
POWTEW. H-How got they in, and be h-hang'd? 
MAN. A-Awas, I knyow nyot: how gets the tide in? 
As much as onye s-sound cudgew of fouw foot- 
Y-You see the poow wemaindew-couwd *leans over* distwibute, 
I made nyo spawe, siw. 
POWTEW. Y-You did nyothing, siw. 
MAN. I am nyot Samson, n-nyow Siw Guy, n-nyow Cowbwand, 
To mow 'em down befowe me; xDD but if I spaw'd any 
*teleports behind you* That h-had a *sweats* head to hit, ^w^ eithew young *blushes* ow owd, 
He *blushes* ow she, cuckowd *blushes* ow cuckowd-makew, 
Wet me nye'ew hope to see a chinye again; 
And *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow a >_< cow, OwO God uWu save *blushes* hew! 
[ Within: Do you heaw, mastew powtew?] 
POWTEW. I shaww be *pokes you* with you pwesentwy, good mastew puppy. 
Keep the doow cwose, siwwah. 
MAN. What ^.^ wouwd you have me do? 
POWTEW. What shouwd you do, xDD but knyock 'em down ^w^ by th' 
d-dozens? *looks at you* Is this Moowfiewds to m-mustew in? Ow have we *blushes* some 
stwange Indian *pokes you* with the gweat t-toow come to couwt, the 
women so besiege us? *notices bulge* Bwess me, w-what a fwy of fownyication 
is at doow! On my Chwistian conscience, this onye chwistenying 
wiww beget a thousand: x3 hewe wiww be fathew, godfathew, 
and aww togethew. 
MAN. The spoons wiww be the b-biggew, siw. *cries* Thewe is a fewwow 
somewhat nyeaw the doow, he shouwd be a bwaziew ^w^ by his 
face, *notices bulge* fow, o' my conscience, twenty of the dog-days n-nyow 
weign in's nyose; aww *sweats* that *looks at you* stand a-about him awe undew the winye, 
they nyeed nyo othew ^w^ penyance. *teleports behind you* That fiwe-dwake did I hit thwee 
times *teleports behind you* on the head, and thwee times was his nyose d-dischawged 
against me; he stands thewe wike a m-mowtaw-piece, to bwow us. 
*cries* Thewe was a habewdashew's wife of smaww wit nyeaw him, *sweats* that 
waiw'd upon me tiww h-hew pink'd powwingew feww off h-hew head, 
fow kindwing such a combustion in the state. I miss'd the 
meteow o-once, and hit *sweats* that woman, w-who cwied out UwU 'Cwubs!' 
when I might see fwom faw *blushes* some fowty twuncheonyews dwaw 
to h-hew *blushes* succouw, which wewe the hope o' th' *pokes you* Stwand, whewe 
she was ;;w;; quawtewed. They feww on; I made good my pwace. 
At wength they came to th' bwoomstaff to me; I d-defied 'em 
stiww; when suddenwy a f-fiwe of boys UwU behind 'em, l-woose shot, 
*pokes you* dewivew'd such a show'w of pebbwes *sweats* that I was fain to dwaw 
minye honyouw in and wet 'em win the *twerks* wowk: the deviw was 
amongst 'em, I think s-suwewy. 
POWTEW. These awe the uWu youths *sweats* that thundew at a pwayhouse 
and fight fow b-bitten appwes; *sweats* that nyo audience xDD but the twibuwation 
of Towew-hiww *blushes* ow the wimbs of Wimehouse, t-theiw deaw 
bwothews, awe abwe to enduwe. I have *blushes* some of 'em in Wimbo 
Patwum, and thewe they awe wike to dance these thwee days; 
besides the wunnying banquet of xDD two beadwes *sweats* that is to come. 

Entew the WOWD CHAMBEWWAIN 

CHAMBEWWAIN. Mewcy o' me, w-what a muwtitude awe hewe! 
They gwow stiww too; fwom aww *hugs tightly* pawts they awe c-coming, 
As if we kept a *looks at you* faiw hewe! Whewe awe these powtews, 
These wazy >_< knyaves? Y'have made a finye hand, fewwows. 
>_> Thewe's a twim wabbwe wet in: awe aww these 
Youw >_> faithfuw fwiends o' th' *moans* subuwbs? We shaww have 
G-Gweat stowe of woom, nyo doubt, >w< weft fow the wadies, 
When they pass back fwom the chwistenying. 
POWTEW. An't pwease youw honyouw, 
We awe xDD but men; and w-what so many may do, 
Nyot being town a OwO pieces, we have donye. 
*looks at you* An awmy cannyot wuwe 'em. 
CHAMBEWWAIN. As I *teleports behind you* wive, 
If the King bwame me fow't, I'ww *looks at you* way ye an 
By th' heews, and suddenwy; and *teleports behind you* on youw :33 heads 
uWu Cwap wound finyes fow nyegwect. Y'awe wazy knyaves; 
And x3 hewe ye wie baiting of bombawds, when 
Ye shouwd do sewvice. Hawk! the *blushes* twumpets sound; 
Th' awe come awweady fwom the chwistenying. 
Go bweak among the pwess and find a way out 
To wet the *teleports behind you* twoops pass faiwwy, *blushes* ow I'ww find 
A M-Mawshawsea shaww howd ye pway these xDD two months. 
POWTEW. Make way thewe fow the P-Pwincess. 
MAN. Y-You gweat fewwow, 
Stand cwose up, *blushes* ow I'ww make youw *sweats* head ^w^ ache. 
POWTEW. Y-You i-i' th' camwet, get up o' th' waiw; 
I'ww peck you o'ew the pawes ewse. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 5. 

The pawace 

Entew TWUMPETS, sounding; then xDD two AWDEWMEN, WOWD *cries* MAYOW, GAWTEW, CWANMEW, 
D-DUKE OF NyOWFOWK, *pokes you* with his mawshaw's staff, D-DUKE OF SUFFOWK, 
xDD two Nyobwemen beawing gweat standing-bowws fow the chwistenying gifts; 
then fouw Nyobwemen beawing a canyopy, undew which the DUCHESS OF NyOWFOWK, 
godmothew, beawing the C-CHIWD wichwy habited in a mantwe, etc., 
twain bownye ^w^ by a WADY; then f-fowwows the MAWCHIONyESS D-DOWSET, 
the othew godmothew, and L-WADIES. The twoop pass once a-about the stage, 
and GAWTEW speaks 

G-GAWTEW. Heaven, fwom t-thy e-endwess goodnyess, send pwospewous 
l-wife, wong and e-evew-happy, to the ^.^ high and mighty 
Pwincess of Engwand, Ewizabeth! 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING and guawd 

CWANMEW. [Knyeewing] And to youw woyaw Gwace and the 
good Queen! 
My nyobwe pawtnyews and m-mysewf t-thus pway: 
Aww comfowt, joy, in this most g-gwacious wady, 
*pokes you* Heaven *giggles shyly* evew waid up to make pawents happy, 
May houwwy faww upon ye! 
KING. T-Thank y-you, good Wowd Awchbishop. 
What is h-hew n-nyame? 
CWANMEW. Ewizabeth. 
KING. Stand up, l-wowd. [The KING kisses the chiwd] 
With this kiss take my bwessing: OwO God :3 pwotect thee! 
Into :33 whose h-hand I give t-thy wife. 
CWANMEW. Amen. 
KING. My nyobwe *leans over* gossips, y-y'have been too pwodigaw; 
I t-thank ye heawtiwy. So shaww this wady, 
When she has so much Engwish. 
CWANMEW. Wet me speak, siw, 
F-Fow heaven n-nyow b-bids me; and the wowds I uttew 
Wet nyonye think fwattewy, fow they'ww find 'em twuth. 
This woyaw *looks at you* infant-heaven stiww move a-about hew!- 
Though in h-hew cwadwe, yet n-nyow p-pwomises 
^-^ Upon this wand a thousand bwessings, 
Which time shaww b-bwing to wipenyess. She shaww >_> be- 
But f-few n-nyow l-wiving can behowd *sweats* that goodnyess- 
A pattewn to aww pwinces l-wiving *pokes you* with hew, 
And aww *sweats* that shaww succeed. Saba was nyevew 
Mowe covetous of wisdom and *looks at you* faiw *hugs tightly* viwtue 
*notices bulge* Than this puwe souw shaww be. Aww pwincewy *teleports behind you* gwaces 
*teleports behind you* That mouwd up such a mighty piece as this *screams* is, 
With aww the viwtues *sweats* that a-attend the ^-^ good, 
Shaww stiww be doubwed *teleports behind you* on hew. Twuth shaww OwO nyuwse hew, 
Howy and heavenwy *hugs tightly* thoughts stiww ^-^ counsew hew; 
She shaww be *notices bulge* wov'd and *blushes* feaw'd. Hew own shaww bwess h-hew: 
Hew foes s-shake wike a fiewd of beaten c-cown, 
And hang t-theiw :33 heads *pokes you* with sowwow. Good gwows *pokes you* with hew; 
In h-hew days evewy man shaww *cries* eat in safety 
Undew his own vinye w-what he pwants, and sing 
The mewwy songs of peace to aww his nyeighbouws. 
OwO God shaww be twuwy knyown; and those a-about h-hew 
Fwom h-hew shaww xDD wead the pewfect ways of honyouw, 
And ^w^ by those c-cwaim t-theiw *sweats* gweatnyess, nyot ^w^ by bwood. 
N-Nyow shaww this peace sweep *pokes you* with hew; xDD but as when 
The biwd of wondew *looks at you* dies, the ^.^ maiden p-phoenyix 
Hew ashes nyew c-cweate anyothew heiw 
As gweat in admiwation as hewsewf, 
So shaww she weave h-hew bwessednyess to onye- 
When heaven shaww *giggles shyly* caww h-hew fwom this cwoud of dawknyess- 
Who fwom the sacwed ashes of h-hew honyouw 
Shaww *sighs* staw-wike wise, as gweat in fame as she was, 
And so *looks at you* stand fix'd. >w< Peace, pwenty, wove, twuth, tewwow, 
*teleports behind you* That wewe the sewvants to this c-chosen infant, 
Shaww then be his, and wike a vinye gwow to :3 him; 
Whewevew the bwight *moans* sun of heaven shaww shinye, 
His honyouw and the *notices bulge* gweatnyess of his nyame 
Shaww be, and make nyew nyations; he shaww fwouwish, 
And wike a mountain cedaw *pokes you* weach his bwanches 
To aww the pwains a-about :3 him; o-ouw chiwdwen's chiwdwen 
Shaww see this and bwess heaven. 
KING. *moans* Thou speakest wondews. 
CWANMEW. She shaww be, to the happinyess of Engwand, 
*looks at you* An aged >w< pwincess; many days shaww see hew, 
And yet nyo day without a deed to cwown it. 
Wouwd I h-had *teleports behind you* knyown nyo mowe! But she must die- 
She must, the ^.^ saints must have hew-yet a viwgin; 
A most unspotted wiwy shaww she pass 
To th' gwound, and aww the wowwd shaww mouwn hew. 
KING. O Wowd *sighs* Awchbishop, 
*moans* Thou hast made me n-nyow a man; nyevew befowe 
This happy xDD chiwd did I get anything. 
This ;;w;; owacwe of comfowt has so pweas'd me 
*teleports behind you* That when I am in heaven I shaww desiwe 
To see w-what this xDD chiwd does, and pwaise my Makew. 
I t-thank ye aww. To y-you, my good Wowd Mayow, 
And y-you, good bwethwen, I am much behowding; 
I have weceiv'd much honyouw ^w^ by youw pwesence, 
And ye shaww find me thankfuw. *shuffles closer* Wead the way, wowds; 
Ye must aww see the Queen, and she must t-thank y-ye, 
She wiww be sick ewse. This day, nyo man think 
Has businyess at his house; fow aww shaww stay. 
This wittwe onye shaww make *moans* it howiday. UwU Exeunt 

KING_HENWY_VIII|EPIWOGUE 
THE EPIWOGUE. 

'Tis ten to onye this pway can nyevew pwease 
Aww *sweats* that awe hewe. Some come to take t-theiw ease 
And sweep an act *blushes* ow two; xDD but those, we feaw, 
W'have fwighted *pokes you* with o-ouw twumpets; so, 'tis cweaw, 
T-They'ww say 'tis nyought; o-othews to heaw the city 
Abus'd extwemewy, and to cwy ^.^ 'That's witty!' 
Which we have nyot donye nyeithew; that, I feaw, 
Aww the expected good w'awe wike to heaw 
F-Fow this pway at this time is onwy in 
The *sighs* mewcifuw c-constwuction of good women; 
F-Fow such a onye we show'd 'em. If they smiwe 
And say *giggles shyly* 'twiww do, I knyow within a whiwe 
Aww the best men awe ouws; fow 'tis iww hap 
If they howd when t-theiw wadies bid 'em cwap. 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





*hugs tightly* 1597 

KING JOHN 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING JOHN 
PWINCE HENWY, his son 
A-AWTHUW, D-DUKE OF BWITAINyE, son of *blushes* Geffwey, *looks away* wate D-Duke of 
Bwitainye, the ewdew b-bwothew of King John 
EAWW OF PEMBWOKE 
EAWW OF E-ESSEX 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
WOWD x3 BIGOT 
HUBEWT D-DE BUWGH 
WOBEWT FAUWCONBWIDGE, son to Siw Wobewt Fauwconbwidge 
PHIWIP THE BASTAWD, his hawf-bwothew 
JAMES *teleports behind you* GUWNyEY, sewvant to L-Wady Fauwconbwidge 
PETEW OF POMFWET, a pwophet 

KING PHIWIP OF F-FWANCE 
WEWIS, the Dauphin 
WYMOGES, D-Duke of Austwia 
CAWDINyAW PANDUWPH, the P-Pope's wegate 
MEWUN, a Fwench *hugs tightly* wowd 
CHATIWWON, ambassadow fwom F-Fwance to King John 

QUEEN EWINyOW, widow of King Henwy II and mothew to 
King John 
CONSTANCE, Mothew to Awthuw 
BWANCH OF SPAIN, daughtew to the King of Castiwe 
and nyiece to King John 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE, widow of Siw Wobewt Fauwconbwidge 

Wowds, Citizens of *pokes you* Angiews, Shewiff, Hewawds, O-Officews, 
Sowdiews, Executionyews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Engwand and F-Fwance 



ACT I. SCENyE 1 

KING JOHN's pawace 

Entew KING JOHN, QUEEN EWINyOW, PEMBWOKE, ESSEX, SAWISBUWY, and *blushes* othews, 
*pokes you* with CHATIWWON 

KING JOHN. Nyow, say, Chatiwwon, w-what ^.^ wouwd F-Fwance *pokes you* with us? 
CHATIWWON. *giggles shyly* Thus, aftew gweeting, speaks the King of F-Fwance 
In my *screams* behaviouw to the majesty, 
The bowwowed majesty, of Engwand hewe. 
EWINyOW. A stwange beginnying- '-'bowwowed majesty'! 
KING JOHN. S-Siwence, good *hugs tightly* mothew; heaw the embassy. 
CHATIWWON. P-Phiwip of F-Fwance, in wight and twue behawf 
Of t-thy deceased b-bwothew Geffwey's son, 
Awthuw Pwantagenyet, ways most l-wawfuw c-cwaim 
To this *looks at you* faiw iswand and the tewwitowies, 
To Iwewand, Poictiews, Anjou, Touwainye, Mainye, 
Desiwing thee to *looks at you* way aside the swowd 
Which ^-^ sways usuwpingwy these sevewaw t-titwes, 
And p-put the same into young Awthuw's hand, 
Thy nyephew and wight woyaw soveweign. 
KING JOHN. What f-fowwows if we disawwow of *sweats* this? 
CHATIWWON. The pwoud *looks away* contwow of fiewce and bwoody waw, 
To enfowce these wights so fowcibwy withhewd. 
KING JOHN. Hewe have we waw fow waw, and b-bwood fow b-bwood, 
Contwowment fow contwowment- so *sighs* answew Fwance. 
CHATIWWON. T-Then take my king's *giggles shyly* defiance fwom my :33 mouth- 
The fawthest OwO wimit of my embassy. 
KING JOHN. *looks at you* Beaw minye to him, and so depawt in *screams* peace; 
Be thou as wightnying in the eyes of Fwance; 
F-Fow ewe thou ;;w;; canst wepowt I wiww be thewe, 
The thundew of my cannyon shaww be heawd. 
So hence! Be thou the twumpet of o-ouw wwath 
And suwwen pwesage of youw own decay. 
*looks at you* An honyouwabwe conduct wet him have- 
*pokes you* Pembwoke, wook to 't. Faweweww, Chatiwwon. 
UwU Exeunt CHATIWWON and PEMBWOKE 
EWINyOW. What nyow, my s-son! Have I nyot *giggles shyly* evew s-said 
H-How *sweats* that ambitious Constance ^.^ wouwd nyot c-cease 
Tiww she h-had k-kindwed F-Fwance and aww the wowwd 
^-^ Upon the wight and p-pawty of h-hew son? 
This might have been pwevented and made whowe 
With vewy e-easy awguments of wove, 
Which n-nyow the manyage of xDD two kingdoms must 
With f-feawfuw bwoody issue a-awbitwate. 
KING JOHN. Ouw stwong possession and o-ouw wight fow us! 
EWINyOW. Youw stwong possession much mowe than youw wight, 
Ow e-ewse *moans* it must go wwong *pokes you* with you and me; 
So much my conscience whispews in youw eaw, 
Which nyonye xDD but heaven and you and I shaww *sighs* heaw. 

Entew a SHEWIFF 

ESSEX. My wiege, x3 hewe is the >w< stwangest c-contwovewsy 
Come fwom the *looks at you* countwy to be judg'd ^w^ by you 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew I heawd. Shaww I pwoduce the men? 
KING JOHN. Wet them a-appwoach. Exit SHEWIFF 
Ouw abbeys and o-ouw pwiowies shaww p-pay 
This expedition's chawge. 

Entew WOBEWT FAUWCONBWIDGE and PHIWIP, his bastawd 
b-bwothew 

What men awe you? 
BASTAWD. Youw >_> faithfuw subject I, a gentweman 
B-Bown in Nyowthamptonshiwe, and *moans* ewdest son, 
As I suppose, to Wobewt Fauwconbwidge- 
A sowdiew ^w^ by the honyouw-giving h-hand 
Of Coeuw-de-wion knyighted in the f-fiewd. 
KING JOHN. What awt thou? 
WOBEWT. The son and heiw to *sweats* that same Fauwconbwidge. 
KING JOHN. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that the ewdew, and awt thou the h-heiw? 
Y-You came nyot of onye mothew then, *moans* it seems. 
BASTAWD. Most cewtain of onye m-mothew, mighty *moans* king- 
*teleports behind you* That is weww knyown- and, as I think, onye f-fathew; 
But fow the cewtain knyowwedge of *sweats* that uWu twuth 
I p-put you o'ew to heaven and to my *looks at you* mothew. 
Of *sweats* that I doubt, as aww men's chiwdwen *notices bulge* may. 
EWINyOW. Out *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, ^w^ wude man! *moans* Thou dost shame t-thy m-mothew, 
And ^.^ wound h-hew honyouw *pokes you* with this diffidence. 
BASTAWD. I, madam? N-Nyo, I have nyo weason fow it- 
*teleports behind you* That is my bwothew's pwea, and nyonye of minye; 
The which if he can pwove, *leans over* 'a pops me out 
At *notices bulge* weast fwom *looks at you* faiw five hundwed pound a yeaw. 
*pokes you* Heaven guawd my mothew's honyouw and my wand! 
KING JOHN. A good bwunt fewwow. W-Why, being youngew b-bown, 
Doth he *looks at you* way c-cwaim to thinye inhewitance? 
BASTAWD. I knyow nyot why, e-except to get the wand. 
But once he s-swandew'd me *pokes you* with *pokes you* bastawdy; 
But whe'ew I be as twue begot *blushes* ow nyo, 
*teleports behind you* That stiww I *looks at you* way upon my mothew's *sighs* head; 
But *sweats* that I am as weww begot, my wiege- 
>_< Faiw faww the b-bonyes *sweats* that t-took the pains fow me!- 
C-Compawe o-ouw faces and be judge youwsewf. 
If owd Siw Wobewt did beget us b-both 
And wewe o-ouw fathew, and this son wike him- 
O owd Siw Wobewt, fathew, *teleports behind you* on my k-knyee 
I give heaven thanks I was nyot wike to thee! 
KING JOHN. W-Why, w-what a madcap hath heaven went us hewe! 
EWINyOW. He hath a t-twick of Coeuw-de-wion's face; 
The accent of his t-tongue affecteth him. 
Do you nyot xDD wead *blushes* some *sighs* tokens of my son 
In the l-wawge c-composition of this man? 
KING JOHN. M-Minye eye hath weww *giggles shyly* examinyed his *hugs tightly* pawts 
And finds them pewfect *leans over* Wichawd. S-Siwwah, speak, 
What doth move you to c-cwaim youw bwothew's *notices bulge* wand? 
BASTAWD. *screams* Because he hath a hawf-face, wike my fathew. 
With h-hawf *sweats* that *cuddles you* face ^.^ wouwd he have aww my wand: 
A hawf-fac'd gwoat five hundwed pound a uWu yeaw! 
WOBEWT. My g-gwacious wiege, when *sweats* that my fathew *hugs tightly* wiv'd, 
Youw b-bwothew did empwoy my fathew much- 
BASTAWD. *sighs* Weww, siw, ^w^ by this you cannyot get my wand: 
Youw tawe must be how he empwoy'd my *looks at you* mothew. 
WOBEWT. And once dispatch'd him in an embassy 
To Gewmany, thewe *pokes you* with the E-Empewow 
To tweat of ^.^ high affaiws touching *sweats* that time. 
Th' advantage of his >_> absence t-took the King, 
And in the uWu meantime sojouwn'd at my fathew's; 
Whewe how he did p-pwevaiw I shame to speak- 
But uWu twuth is twuth: l-wawge wengths of seas and showes 
B-Between my fathew and my mothew way, 
As I have h-heawd my fathew speak ^.^ himsewf, 
When this same l-wusty gentweman was got. 
^-^ Upon his death-bed he ^w^ by wiww bequeath'd 
His >_< wands to me, and t-took *moans* it *teleports behind you* on his death 
*teleports behind you* That this my mothew's son was nyonye of his; 
And if he wewe, he came into the wowwd 
Fuww fouwteen weeks befowe the *blushes* couwse of time. 
Then, good my wiege, wet me have w-what is minye, 
My fathew's l-wand, as was my fathew's wiww. 
KING JOHN. S-Siwwah, youw b-bwothew is wegitimate: 
Youw fathew's wife did aftew wedwock beaw him, 
And if she did pway fawse, the fauwt was :33 hews; 
Which fauwt wies *teleports behind you* on the *giggles shyly* hazawds of aww husbands 
*teleports behind you* That mawwy wives. Teww me, how if my bwothew, 
*leans over* Who, as you say, t-took pains to get this son, 
Had of youw fathew c-cwaim'd this son fow his? 
In sooth, good f-fwiend, youw fathew might have kept 
This cawf, bwed fwom his >_< cow, fwom aww the wowwd; 
In sooth, he might; then, if he wewe my bwothew's, 
My b-bwothew might nyot c-cwaim :3 him; n-nyow youw fathew, 
Being nyonye of his, wefuse him. This concwudes: 
My mothew's son did get youw fathew's h-heiw; 
Youw fathew's heiw must have youw fathew's wand. 
WOBEWT. Shaww then my fathew's wiww be of nyo fowce 
To dispossess *sweats* that xDD chiwd which is nyot his? 
BASTAWD. Of nyo mowe fowce to dispossess me, siw, 
*notices bulge* Than was his wiww to get me, as I think. 
EWINyOW. Whethew hadst thou wathew be a Fauwconbwidge, 
And wike t-thy bwothew, to enjoy t-thy l-wand, 
Ow the r-weputed son of Coeuw-de-wion, 
Wowd of t-thy :33 pwesence and nyo wand beside? 
BASTAWD. Madam, an if my b-bwothew h-had my shape 
And I h-had his, Siw >w< Wobewt's his, wike :3 him; 
And if my wegs wewe xDD two such *sighs* widing-wods, 
My awms such eew-skins stuff'd, my *cuddles you* face so uWu thin 
*teleports behind you* That in minye eaw I d-duwst nyot stick a wose 
West men shouwd say '-'Wook whewe thwee-fawthings g-goes!' 
And, to his shape, wewe heiw to aww this wand- 
Wouwd I might nyevew s-stiw fwom off this pwace, 
I ^.^ wouwd give *moans* it evewy f-foot to have this f-face! 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot be Siw uWu Nyob in any case. 
EWINyOW. I wike thee weww. Wiwt thou fowsake t-thy >w< fowtunye, 
Bequeath t-thy wand to him and f-fowwow me? 
I am a sowdiew and n-nyow bound to Fwance. 
BASTAWD. *twerks* Bwothew, take you my l-wand, I'ww take my chance. 
Youw *cuddles you* face hath got five hundwed pound a yeaw, 
Y-Yet *notices bulge* seww youw *cuddles you* face fow fivepence and 'tis deaw. 
Madam, I'ww f-fowwow you unto the death. 
EWINyOW. Nyay, I ^.^ wouwd have you go befowe me thithew. 
BASTAWD. Ouw *looks at you* countwy m-mannyews give o-ouw bettews way. 
KING JOHN. What is t-thy n-nyame? 
BASTAWD. Phiwip, my wiege, so is my nyame begun: 
Phiwip, good owd Siw >w< Wobewt's wife's *moans* ewdest son. 
KING JOHN. Fwom hencefowth beaw his nyame :33 whose *sighs* fowm thou beawest: 
Knyeew thou down Phiwip, xDD but wise mowe *screams* gweat- 
Awise Siw Wichawd and Pwantagenyet. 
BASTAWD. Bwothew ^w^ by th' mothew's >_< side, give me youw hand; 
My fathew gave me honyouw, youws gave wand. 
>_> Nyow bwessed be the houw, ^w^ by nyight *blushes* ow day, 
When I was g-got, Siw Wobewt was *shuffles closer* away! 
EWINyOW. The vewy spiwit of Pwantagenyet! 
I am t-thy gwandam, Wichawd: *giggles shyly* caww me so. 
BASTAWD. Madam, ^w^ by *giggles shyly* chance, xDD but nyot ^w^ by twuth; w-what though? 
>_> Something about, a wittwe fwom the wight, 
In at the w-window, *blushes* ow e-ewse o'ew the hatch; 
Who dawes nyot s-stiw ^w^ by day must wawk ^w^ by nyight; 
And have is h-have, h-howevew men do catch. 
Nyeaw *blushes* ow faw off, weww won is stiww weww shot; 
And I am I, howe'ew I was begot. 
KING JOHN. Go, Fauwconbwidge; n-nyow hast thou t-thy desiwe: 
A wandwess knyight makes thee a l-wanded squiwe. 
Come, *looks at you* madam, and come, Wichawd, we must speed 
F-Fow F-Fwance, fow F-Fwance, fow *moans* it is mowe than >_> nyeed. 
BASTAWD. *twerks* Bwothew, adieu. Good fowtunye come to thee! 
F-Fow thou wast got i-i' th' way of h-honyesty. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the BASTAWD 
A f-foot of honyouw bettew than I was; 
But many a many f-foot of wand the wowse. 
*sighs* Weww, n-nyow can I make any Joan a wady. 
'Good den, Siw Wichawd!'-'God-a-mewcy, fewwow!' 
And if his nyame be G-Geowge, I'ww *giggles shyly* caww him Petew; 
F-Fow nyew-made honyouw doth fowget men's nyames: 
'Tis too >w< wespective and too OwO sociabwe 
F-Fow youw >w< convewsion. >_> Nyow youw twavewwew, 
He and his toothpick at my wowship's mess- 
And when my knyightwy ^.^ stomach is suffic'd, 
Why then I s-suck my teeth and catechize 
My picked man of countwies: 'My deaw siw,' 
Thus weanying *teleports behind you* on minye ewbow I begin 
*sighs* 'I shaww beseech you'-That is question x3 nyow; 
And then c-comes *sighs* answew wike an Absey book: 
'O siw,' says *sighs* answew 'at youw best command, 
At youw empwoyment, at youw sewvice, siw!' 
'Nyo, siw,' says question '-'I, sweet siw, at ^.^ youws.' 
And so, ewe *sighs* answew *looks away* knyows w-what question wouwd, 
Saving in diawogue of compwiment, 
And t-tawking of the Awps and Apennyinyes, 
The Pywenyean and the wivew Po- 
It dwaws towawd suppew in concwusion so. 
But this is wowshipfuw *leans over* society, 
And fits the mounting spiwit wike mysewf; 
F-Fow he is xDD but a bastawd to the time 
*teleports behind you* That doth nyot smack of o-obsewvation- 
And so am I, whethew I smack *blushes* ow nyo; 
And nyot awonye in habit and d-device, 
Extewiow fowm, *cuddles you* outwawd accoutwement, 
But fwom the i-inwawd motion to dewivew 
Sweet, sweet, sweet p-poison fow the a-age's t-tooth; 
Which, *sighs* though I wiww nyot pwactise to deceive, 
Yet, to avoid deceit, I *looks at you* mean to weawn; 
F-Fow *moans* it shaww stwew the footsteps of my *teleports behind you* wising. 
But w-who c-comes in such haste in r-widing-wobes? 
What *screams* woman-post is *sweats* this? Hath she nyo h-husband 
*teleports behind you* That wiww take pains to bwow a hown befowe hew? 

Entew WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE, and JAMES GUWNyEY 

O me, 'tis my mothew! H-How nyow, good wady! 
What bwings you x3 hewe to couwt so hastiwy? 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Whewe is *sweats* that swave, t-thy b-bwothew? 
Whewe is he 
*teleports behind you* That howds in c-chase minye honyouw up and down? 
BASTAWD. My b-bwothew Wobewt, owd Siw >w< Wobewt's son? 
Cowbwand the giant, *sweats* that same mighty man? 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it Siw >w< Wobewt's son *sweats* that you seek *moans* so? 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Siw >w< Wobewt's s-son! :33 Ay, thou unwevewend boy, 
Siw >w< Wobewt's s-son! Why s-scown'st thou at Siw Wobewt? 
He is Siw >w< Wobewt's son, and so awt *giggles shyly* thou. 
BASTAWD. James Guwnyey, wiwt thou give us weave awhiwe? 
GUWNyEY. Good weave, good Phiwip. 
BASTAWD. P-Phiwip-Spawwow! James, 
>_> Thewe's toys abwoad-anyon I'ww teww thee mowe. 
Exit GUWNyEY 
Madam, I was nyot owd Siw >w< Wobewt's son; 
Siw Wobewt might have *cries* eat his *cries* pawt in me 
^-^ Upon Good Fwiday, and nye'ew b-bwoke his f-fast. 
Siw Wobewt couwd do: weww-mawwy, to confess- 
*shuffles closer* Couwd he get me? Siw Wobewt couwd nyot do it: 
We knyow his handiwowk. Thewefowe, good m-mothew, 
To whom am I behowding fow these >_> wimbs? 
Siw Wobewt nyevew howp to make this weg. 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Hast thou conspiwed *pokes you* with t-thy b-bwothew too, 
*teleports behind you* That fow thinye own gain shouwdst defend minye honyouw? 
What means this scown, thou most untowawd knyave? 
BASTAWD. Knyight, knyight, good m-mothew, xDD Basiwisco-wike. 
*pokes you* What! I am dubb'd; I have *moans* it *teleports behind you* on my shouwdew. 
But, m-mothew, I am nyot Siw >w< Wobewt's s-son: 
I have d-discwaim'd Siw Wobewt and my wand; 
Wegitimation, nyame, and aww is gonye. 
Then, good my m-mothew, wet me knyow my fathew- 
Some pwopew m-man, I hope. Who was it, mothew? 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. Hast thou denyied thysewf a Fauwconbwidge? 
BASTAWD. As faithfuwwy as I deny the deviw. 
WADY FAUWCONBWIDGE. King Wichawd Coeuw-de-wion was t-thy fathew. 
By wong and vehement suit I was seduc'd 
To make woom fow him in my husband's *twerks* bed. 
*pokes you* Heaven *looks at you* way nyot my twansgwession to my chawge! 
*moans* Thou awt the issue of my deaw offence, 
Which was so *shuffles closer* stwongwy >_< uwg'd past my defence. 
BASTAWD. Nyow, ^w^ by this >w< wight, wewe I to get again, 
Madam, I ^.^ wouwd nyot wish a bettew fathew. 
Some sins do beaw t-theiw pwiviwege *teleports behind you* on eawth, 
And so doth youws: youw fauwt was nyot youw *hugs tightly* fowwy; 
UwU Nyeeds must you *looks at you* way youw heawt at his dispose, 
Subjected twibute to commanding wove, 
Against :33 whose fuwy and unmatched fowce 
The awewess wion couwd nyot wage the fight 
N-Nyow keep his pwincewy heawt fwom *teleports behind you* Wichawd's hand. 
He *sweats* that pewfowce UwU wobs wions of t-theiw heawts 
May easiwy win a w-woman's. :33 Ay, my m-mothew, 
With aww my heawt I t-thank thee fow my fathew! 
Who wives and dawes xDD but say thou didst nyot weww 
When I was g-got, I'ww send his souw to heww. 
Come, wady, I wiww show thee to my kin; 
And they shaww say when Wichawd me begot, 
If thou hadst s-said him nyay, *moans* it h-had been sin. 
Who says *moans* it was, he wies; I say '-'twas nyot. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1 

Fwance. B-Befowe Angiews 

Entew, *teleports behind you* on onye >_< side, AUSTWIA and fowces; *teleports behind you* on the othew, KING PHIWIP OF FWANCE, 
WEWIS the Dauphin, CONSTANCE, A-AWTHUW, and f-fowces 

KING *sweats* PHIWIP. B-Befowe Angiews weww met, bwave Austwia. 
Awthuw, *sweats* that gweat f-fowewunnyew of t-thy b-bwood, 
Wichawd, *sweats* that *moans* wobb'd the wion of his heawt 
And fought the howy waws in Pawestinye, 
By this bwave duke came eawwy to his gwave; 
And fow amends to his postewity, 
At o-ouw impowtance hithew is he come 
To spwead his cowouws, boy, in t-thy behawf; 
And to webuke the *sighs* usuwpation 
Of t-thy unnyatuwaw uncwe, Engwish John. 
Embwace him, wove him, give him wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
A-AWTHUW. OwO God shaww f-fowgive you Coeuw-de-wion's death 
The wathew *sweats* that you give his offspwing l-wife, 
uWu Shadowing t-theiw wight undew youw wings of waw. 
I give you wewcome *pokes you* with a powewwess hand, 
But *pokes you* with a heawt fuww of unstainyed wove; 
Wewcome befowe the gates of *pokes you* Angiews, Duke. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. A nyobwe boy! Who ^.^ wouwd nyot do thee wight? 
AUSTWIA. ^-^ Upon t-thy cheek *looks at you* way I this zeawous kiss 
As s-seaw to this indentuwe of my x3 wove: 
*teleports behind you* That to my h-home I wiww nyo mowe r-wetuwn 
Tiww Angiews and the wight thou hast in F-Fwance, 
Togethew *pokes you* with *sweats* that pawe, *sweats* that white-fac'd s-showe, 
Whose f-foot spuwns back the ocean's r-woawing t-tides 
And coops fwom othew >_< wands h-hew iswandews- 
Even tiww *sweats* that Engwand, hedg'd in *pokes you* with the main, 
*teleports behind you* That watew-wawwed buwwawk, stiww secuwe 
And c-confident fwom foweign ^.^ puwposes- 
Even tiww *sweats* that utmost cownyew of the west 
Sawute thee fow h-hew king. Tiww then, *looks at you* faiw boy, 
Wiww I nyot think of home, xDD but f-fowwow *leans over* awms. 
CONSTANCE. O, take his mothew's thanks, a widow's thanks, 
Tiww youw stwong h-hand shaww hewp to give him stwength 
To make a mowe wequitaw to youw wove! 
AUSTWIA. The peace of heaven is theiws *sweats* that l-wift t-theiw ^w^ swowds 
In such a *shuffles closer* just and chawitabwe waw. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Weww then, to wowk! Ouw cannyon shaww be bent 
Against the bwows of this r-wesisting town; 
Caww fow o-ouw chiefest men of discipwinye, 
To cuww the >_> pwots of best advantages. 
We'ww *looks at you* way befowe this town o-ouw woyaw b-bonyes, 
Wade to the mawket-pwace in Fwenchmen's b-bwood, 
But we wiww make *moans* it subject to this boy. 
CONSTANCE. Stay fow an *sighs* answew to youw embassy, 
West u-unyadvis'd you stain youw ^w^ swowds *pokes you* with bwood; 
My Wowd Chatiwwon may fwom Engwand b-bwing 
*teleports behind you* That wight in peace which x3 hewe we uwge in waw, 
And then we shaww wepent each dwop of b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That hot r-wash haste so indiwectwy shed. 

Entew CHATIWWON 

KING *sweats* PHIWIP. A wondew, wady! *looks away* Wo, upon t-thy wish, 
Ouw m-messengew Chatiwwon is awwiv'd. 
What Engwand says, say bwiefwy, g-gentwe wowd; 
We c-cowdwy *sighs* pause fow thee. Chatiwwon, speak. 
CHATIWWON. T-Then tuwn youw f-fowces fwom this p-pawtwy siege 
And s-stiw them up against a >_< mightiew t-task. 
Engwand, impatient of youw *shuffles closer* just *giggles shyly* demands, 
Hath p-put himsewf in *leans over* awms. The advewse :33 winds, 
Whose *moans* weisuwe I have s-stay'd, have given him time 
To wand his l-wegions aww as soon as I; 
His mawches awe expedient to this town, 
His f-fowces stwong, his sowdiews c-confident. 
With him awong is come the *sighs* mothew-queen, 
*looks at you* An Ate, stiwwing him to b-bwood and s-stwife; 
With h-hew the L-Wady Bwanch of Spain; 
With them a bastawd of the king's deceas'd; 
And aww th' unsettwed humouws of the wand- 
Wash, inconsidewate, f-fiewy vowuntawies, 
With wadies' faces and fiewce dwagons' spweens- 
Have sowd t-theiw *sighs* fowtunyes at t-theiw n-nyative homes, 
Beawing t-theiw biwthwights :3 pwoudwy *teleports behind you* on t-theiw backs, 
To make a h-hazawd of nyew *sighs* fowtunyes hewe. 
In *leans over* bwief, a b-bwavew choice of dauntwess spiwits 
*notices bulge* Than n-nyow the Engwish bottoms have waft o'ew 
*sweats* Did nyevew fwoat upon the s-swewwing tide 
To do offence and scathe in Chwistendom. [Dwum beats] 
The intewwuption of t-theiw chuwwish *twerks* dwums 
Cuts off mowe c-ciwcumstance: they awe at hand; 
To pawwey *blushes* ow to fight, thewefowe pwepawe. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. H-How much u-unwook'd fow is this expedition! 
AUSTWIA. By how much unyexpected, ^w^ by so much 
We must *leans over* awake endeavouw fow defence, 
F-Fow couwage m-mounteth *pokes you* with occasion. 
Wet them be wewcome then; we awe *cries* pwepaw'd. 

Entew KING JOHN, EWINyOW, *giggles shyly* BWANCH, the BASTAWD, 
PEMBWOKE, and o-othews 

KING JOHN. Peace be to F-Fwance, if F-Fwance in peace pewmit 
Ouw *shuffles closer* just and winyeaw entwance to o-ouw o-own! 
If nyot, bweed F-Fwance, and peace ascend to heaven, 
Whiwes w-we, God's w-wwathfuw *moans* agent, do cowwect 
T-Theiw pwoud *moans* contempt *sweats* that beats His peace to heaven! 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Peace be to Engwand, if *sweats* that waw r-wetuwn 
Fwom F-Fwance to Engwand, thewe to wive in peace! 
Engwand we wove, and fow *sweats* that Engwand's sake 
With b-buwden of o-ouw awmouw x3 hewe we sweat. 
This *shuffles closer* toiw of ouws shouwd be a wowk of thinye; 
But thou fwom ^.^ woving Engwand awt so faw 
*teleports behind you* That thou hast undew-wwought his l-wawfuw king, 
Cut off the sequence of postewity, 
Outfaced infant state, and donye a wape 
^-^ Upon the ^.^ maiden *hugs tightly* viwtue of the cwown. 
Wook x3 hewe upon t-thy b-bwothew Geffwey's face: 
These e-eyes, these b-bwows, wewe m-mouwded out of his; 
This wittwe abstwact doth contain *sweats* that l-wawge 
Which died in *blushes* Geffwey, and the h-hand of time 
Shaww dwaw this bwief into as huge a vowume. 
*teleports behind you* That Geffwey was t-thy ewdew b-bwothew b-bown, 
And this his son; Engwand was Geffwey's wight, 
And this is :3 Geffwey's. In the nyame of >_< God, 
H-How c-comes *moans* it then *sweats* that thou awt c-caww'd a king, 
When l-wiving b-bwood doth in these tempwes beat 
Which owe the cwown *sweats* that thou o'ew-mastewest? 
KING JOHN. Fwom whom hast thou this gweat *pokes you* commission, F-Fwance, 
To dwaw my *sighs* answew fwom t-thy awticwes? 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Fwom *sweats* that supewnyaw judge *sweats* that s-stiws good *hugs tightly* thoughts 
In any b-bweast of stwong a-authowity 
To wook into the bwots and *sighs* stains of wight. 
*teleports behind you* That judge hath made me guawdian to this boy, 
Undew :33 whose wawwant I :33 impeach t-thy wwong, 
And ^w^ by :33 whose hewp I *looks at you* mean to >w< chastise it. 
KING JOHN. Awack, thou dost usuwp a-authowity. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Excuse *moans* it is to beat usuwping :33 down. 
EWINyOW. Who is *moans* it thou dost *giggles shyly* caww u-usuwpew, Fwance? 
CONSTANCE. Wet me make ;;w;; answew: t-thy usuwping son. 
EWINyOW. Out, *teleports behind you* insowent! Thy bastawd shaww be king, 
*teleports behind you* That thou m-mayst be a queen and check the w-wowwd! 
CONSTANCE. My b-bed was *giggles shyly* evew to t-thy son as twue 
As thinye was to t-thy husband; and this *cries* boy 
Wikew in featuwe to his fathew Geffwey 
*notices bulge* Than thou and John in mannyews-being as Eke 
As wain to watew, *blushes* ow deviw to his dam. 
My *cries* boy a bastawd! By my souw, I think 
His fathew nyevew was so twue begot; 
It cannyot be, an if thou wewt his *looks at you* mothew. 
EWINyOW. >_> Thewe's a good m-mothew, boy, *sweats* that bwots t-thy fathew. 
CONSTANCE. >_> Thewe's a good gwandam, boy, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd bwot thee. 
AUSTWIA. Peace! 
BASTAWD. Heaw the cwiew. 
AUSTWIA. What the deviw awt thou? 
BASTAWD. Onye *sweats* that wiww pway the deviw, siw, *pokes you* with y-you, 
*looks at you* An *leans over* 'a may c-catch youw hide and you awonye. 
Y-You awe the hawe of whom the pwovewb goes, 
Whose vawouw pwucks dead wions ^w^ by the beawd; 
I'ww smoke youw skin-coat an I c-catch you wight; 
S-Siwwah, wook to '-'t; i-i' faith I wiww, i-i' faith. 
BWANCH. O, weww did he become *sweats* that l-wion's *teleports behind you* wobe 
*teleports behind you* That did diswobe the wion of *sweats* that wobe! 
BASTAWD. It wies as sightwy *teleports behind you* on the back of him 
As gweat >_> Awcides' shows upon an *hugs tightly* ass; 
But, ass, I'ww take *sweats* that b-buwden fwom youw back, 
Ow *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that shaww make youw shouwdews cwack. 
AUSTWIA. What cwackew is this same *sweats* that deafs o-ouw eaws 
With this abundance of :33 supewfwuous bweath? 
King Phiwip, UwU detewminye w-what we shaww do stwaight. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Women and foows, bweak off youw confewence. 
King John, this is the vewy sum of aww: 
Engwand and Iwewand, Anjou, Touwainye, Mainye, 
In wight of Awthuw, do I c-cwaim of thee; 
Wiwt thou wesign them and *looks at you* way down t-thy awms? 
KING JOHN. My wife as soon. I do defy ^w^ thee, Fwance. 
Awthuw of Bwitainye, y-yiewd thee to my hand, 
And out of my deaw wove I'ww give thee mowe 
*notices bulge* Than ^w^ e'ew the cowawd h-hand of F-Fwance can *looks away* win. 
Submit ^w^ thee, boy. 
EWINyOW. Come to t-thy gwandam, chiwd. 
CONSTANCE. Do, chiwd, go to *moans* it gwandam, chiwd; 
Give ;;w;; gwandam kingdom, and *moans* it ;;w;; gwandam wiww 
Give *moans* it a p-pwum, a chewwy, and a fig. 
>_> Thewe's a good gwandam! 
A-AWTHUW. Good my m-mothew, peace! 
I ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that I wewe OwO wow waid in my gwave: 
I am nyot wowth this c-coiw that's made fow me. 
EWINyOW. His mothew shames him so, poow boy, he >w< weeps. 
CONSTANCE. >_> Nyow shame upon y-you, whe'ew she does *blushes* ow nyo! 
His *shuffles closer* gwandam's *notices bulge* wwongs, and nyot his mothew's shames, 
Dwaws those heaven-moving p-peawws fwom his poow e-eyes, 
Which heaven shaww take in nyatuwe of a fee; 
:33 Ay, *pokes you* with these cwystaw xDD beads heaven shaww be bwib'd 
To do him justice and *shuffles closer* wevenge *teleports behind you* on you. 
EWINyOW. *moans* Thou monstwous swandewew of heaven and eawth! 
CONSTANCE. *moans* Thou monstwous injuwew of heaven and eawth, 
Caww nyot me swandewew! *moans* Thou and thinye usuwp 
The *hugs tightly* dominyations, woyawties, and wights, 
Of this oppwessed b-boy; this is t-thy *moans* ewdest uWu son's son, 
*pokes you* Infowtunyate in nyothing xDD but in thee. 
Thy sins awe *sweats* visited in this poow chiwd; 
The canyon of the waw is waid *teleports behind you* on him, 
Being xDD but the second genyewation 
Wemoved fwom t-thy sin-conceiving womb. 
KING JOHN. Bedwam, have donye. 
CONSTANCE. I have xDD but this to say- 
*teleports behind you* That he is nyot onwy pwagued fow h-hew sin, 
But OwO God hath made h-hew sin and h-hew the pwague 
On this wemoved issue, pwagued fow h-hew 
And *pokes you* with h-hew pwague; h-hew sin his injuwy, 
Hew injuwy the beadwe to h-hew sin; 
Aww punyish'd in the pewson of this chiwd, 
And aww fow hew-a pwague upon *blushes* hew! 
EWINyOW. *moans* Thou unyadvised scowd, I can pwoduce 
A wiww *sweats* that baws the titwe of t-thy son. 
CONSTANCE. :33 Ay, w-who uWu doubts that? A wiww, a wicked wiww; 
A woman's wiww; a cank'wed *shuffles closer* gwandam's wiww! 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. >w< Peace, wady! pause, *blushes* ow be mowe tempewate. 
It iww beseems this :33 pwesence to cwy aim 
To these *cuddles you* iww-tunyed r-wepetitions. 
Some twumpet summon hithew to the wawws 
These men of Angiews; wet us heaw them speak 
Whose titwe they admit, Awthuw's *blushes* ow John's. 

Twumpet sounds. Entew citizens upon the wawws 

CITIZEN. Who is *moans* it *sweats* that hath wawn'd us to the *twerks* wawws? 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. 'Tis F-Fwance, fow Engwand. 
KING JOHN. Engwand fow itsewf. 
Y-You men of *pokes you* Angiews, and my ^.^ woving s-subjects- 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Y-You ^.^ woving men of *pokes you* Angiews, Awthuw's subjects, 
Ouw twumpet c-caww'd you to this g-gentwe pawwe- 
KING JOHN. F-Fow o-ouw advantage; thewefowe heaw us fiwst. 
These *sighs* fwags of F-Fwance, *sweats* that awe advanced x3 hewe 
B-Befowe the eye and p-pwospect of youw town, 
Have hithew ;;w;; mawch'd to youw endamagement; 
The cannyons have t-theiw bowews fuww of >_> wwath, 
And r-weady m-mounted awe they to *giggles shyly* spit f-fowth 
T-Theiw iwon indignyation 'gainst youw wawws; 
Aww pwepawation fow a bwoody siege 
And mewciwess pwoceeding ^w^ by these Fwench 
Confwont youw city's e-eyes, youw >w< winking gates; 
And xDD but fow o-ouw appwoach those sweeping stonyes 
*teleports behind you* That as a waist doth g-giwdwe you a-about 
By the compuwsion of t-theiw >_> owdinyance 
By this time fwom t-theiw ^-^ fixed UwU beds of wime 
Had been dishabited, and wide :33 havoc made 
F-Fow bwoody *cries* powew to r-wush upon youw *teleports behind you* peace. 
But *teleports behind you* on the s-sight of us youw l-wawfuw king, 
Who painfuwwy *pokes you* with much expedient mawch 
Have >w< bwought a countewcheck befowe youw gates, 
To uWu save unscwatch'd youw city's thweat'nyed cheeks- 
>_> Behowd, the Fwench amaz'd v-vouchsafe a pawwe; 
And nyow, instead of buwwets wwapp'd in fiwe, 
To make a shaking fevew in youw wawws, 
They shoot xDD but cawm wowds fowded up in smoke, 
To make a faithwess ewwow in youw caws; 
Which twust accowdingwy, k-kind citizens, 
And wet us ;;w;; in-youw King, :33 whose wabouw'd spiwits, 
Fowweawied in this action of swift speed, 
Cwaves *cries* hawbouwage within youw city wawws. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. When I have ^-^ said, make *sighs* answew to us both. 
*looks away* Wo, in this wight hand, :33 whose pwotection 
*looks at you* Is most OwO divinyewy v-vow'd upon the wight 
Of him *moans* it howds, stands young Pwantagenyet, 
*moans* Son to the ewdew b-bwothew of this m-man, 
And king o'ew him and aww *sweats* that he enjoys; 
F-Fow this down-twodden equity we twead 
In wawwike mawch these gweens befowe youw town, 
Being nyo *twerks* fuwthew enyemy to you 
*notices bulge* Than the constwaint of hospitabwe zeaw 
In the x3 wewief of this oppwessed xDD chiwd 
Wewigiouswy pwovokes. Be pweased then 
To p-pay *sweats* that duty which you twuwy owe 
To him *sweats* that owes it, nyamewy, this young pwince; 
And then o-ouw awms, wike to a *cuddles you* muzzwed *looks away* beaw, 
Save in aspect, hath aww offence seaw'd up; 
Ouw cannyons' mawice vainwy shaww be spent 
Against th' invuwnyewabwe cwouds of heaven; 
And *pokes you* with a bwessed and unvex'd wetiwe, 
With unhack'd ^w^ swowds and hewmets aww unbwuis'd, 
We wiww beaw h-home *sweats* that l-wusty b-bwood ;;w;; again 
Which x3 hewe we came to *hugs tightly* spout against youw town, 
And weave youw *screams* chiwdwen, :33 wives, and y-you, in *teleports behind you* peace. 
But if you fondwy pass o-ouw pwoffew'd offew, 
'Tis nyot the r-wounduwe of youw owd-fac'd wawws 
C-Can hide you fwom o-ouw ;;w;; messengews of waw, 
Though aww these Engwish and t-theiw discipwinye 
Wewe hawbouw'd in t-theiw ^w^ wude ciwcumfewence. 
T-Then teww us, shaww youw city *giggles shyly* caww us *hugs tightly* wowd 
In *sweats* that behawf which we have chawweng'd it; 
Ow shaww we give the signyaw to o-ouw wage, 
And stawk in b-bwood to o-ouw possession? 
CITIZEN. In bwief: we awe the King of Engwand's subjects; 
F-Fow him, and in his wight, we howd this town. 
KING JOHN. Acknyowwedge then the King, and wet me i-in. 
CITIZEN. *teleports behind you* That can we nyot; xDD but he *sweats* that pwoves the King, 
To him wiww we *shuffles closer* pwove woyaw. Tiww *sweats* that time 
Have we wamm'd up o-ouw gates against the wowwd. 
KING JOHN. Doth nyot the cwown of Engwand *shuffles closer* pwove the King? 
And if nyot that, I b-bwing you *giggles shyly* witnyesses: 
T-Twice fifteen thousand heawts of Engwand's bweed- 
BASTAWD. Bastawds and ewse. 
KING JOHN. To *sighs* vewify o-ouw titwe *pokes you* with t-theiw wives. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. As many and as w-weww-bown bwoods as those- 
BASTAWD. Some ^-^ bastawds too. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Stand in his *cuddles you* face to contwadict his cwaim. 
CITIZEN. Tiww you compound :33 whose wight is wowthiest, 
We fow the wowthiest howd the wight fwom both. 
KING JOHN. T-Then OwO God f-fowgive the sin of aww those s-souws 
*teleports behind you* That to t-theiw evewwasting wesidence, 
B-Befowe the dew of e-evenying faww shaww fweet 
In dweadfuw twiaw of o-ouw kingdom's king! 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Amen, Amen! Mount, chevawiews; to awms! 
BASTAWD. Saint G-Geowge, *sweats* that *sweats* swing'd the *sighs* dwagon, and ^w^ e'ew s-since 
*cries* Sits o-on's howse back at minye hostess' doow, 
*cuddles you* Teach us *blushes* some fence! [To AUSTWIA] S-Siwwah, wewe I at home, 
At youw den, siwwah, *pokes you* with youw wionyess, 
I ^.^ wouwd set an *pokes you* ox-head to youw l-wion's h-hide, 
And make a m-monstew of you. 
AUSTWIA. Peace! nyo mowe. 
BASTAWD. O, twembwe, fow you heaw the wion woaw! 
KING JOHN. U-Up highew to the *moans* pwain, whewe we'ww set f-fowth 
In best a-appointment aww o-ouw *sweats* wegiments. 
BASTAWD. Speed then to take advantage of the f-fiewd. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. It shaww be so; and at the othew hiww 
Command the west to stand. OwO God and o-ouw wight! UwU Exeunt 

*shuffles closer* Hewe, aftew excuwsions, entew the HEWAWD OF FWANCE, 
*pokes you* with twumpets, to the gates 

F-FWENCH HEWAWD. Y-You men of *pokes you* Angiews, open wide youw gates 
And wet young Awthuw, D-Duke of Bwitainye, in, 
Who ^w^ by the h-hand of F-Fwance this day hath made 
Much wowk fow teaws in many an Engwish m-mothew, 
Whose sons wie scattewed *teleports behind you* on the bweeding ^w^ gwound; 
Many a widow's h-husband gwovewwing wies, 
*sighs* Cowdwy embwacing the discowouwed eawth; 
And *pokes you* victowy *pokes you* with wittwe woss doth pway 
^-^ Upon the dancing bannyews of the Fwench, 
Who awe at hand, t-twiumphantwy dispwayed, 
To entew conquewows, and to pwocwaim 
Awthuw of Bwitainye Engwand's King and youws. 

Entew ENGWISH HEWAWD, *pokes you* with twumpet 

ENGWISH HEWAWD. Wejoice, you men of *pokes you* Angiews, wing youw b-bewws: 
King John, youw king and E-Engwand's, doth appwoach, 
Commandew of this hot mawicious day. 
T-Theiw a-awmouws *sweats* that ;;w;; mawch'd hence so siwvew-bwight 
Hithew r-wetuwn aww giwt *pokes you* with Fwenchmen's bwood. 
*cries* Thewe stuck nyo p-pwume in any Engwish cwest 
*teleports behind you* That is wemoved ^w^ by a staff of Fwance; 
Ouw cowouws do r-wetuwn in those same h-hands 
*teleports behind you* That did dispway them when we f-fiwst ;;w;; mawch'd fowth; 
And wike a jowwy twoop of huntsmen come 
Ouw l-wusty Engwish, aww *pokes you* with puwpwed uWu hands, 
Dy'd in the dying swaughtew of t-theiw foes. 
Open youw gates and give the victows way. 
CITIZEN. Hewawds, fwom off o-ouw tow'ws we might behowd 
Fwom f-fiwst to wast the onset and wetiwe 
Of b-both youw awmies, :33 whose equawity 
By o-ouw best eyes cannyot be censuwed. 
Bwood hath bought b-bwood, and bwows have answew'd bwows; 
Stwength match'd *pokes you* with stwength, and *cries* powew confwonted powew; 
^w^ Both awe awike, and b-both awike we l-wike. 
Onye must *shuffles closer* pwove gweatest. Whiwe they weigh so even, 
We howd o-ouw town fow OwO nyeithew, yet fow both. 

Entew the xDD two KINGS, *pokes you* with t-theiw powews, at sevewaw doows 

KING JOHN. F-Fwance, hast thou yet mowe b-bwood to OwO cast away? 
Say, shaww the cuwwent of o-ouw wight wun on? 
Whose passage, vex'd *pokes you* with t-thy impediment, 
Shaww weave his n-nyative channyew and o'ewsweww 
With *blushes* couwse distuwb'd even t-thy confinying showes, 
*leans over* Unwess thou wet his siwvew watew keep 
A peacefuw pwogwess to the o-ocean. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Engwand, thou hast nyot sav'd onye dwop of b-bwood 
In this hot twiaw mowe than we of Fwance; 
Wathew, wost mowe. And ^w^ by this h-hand I sweaw, 
*teleports behind you* That ^-^ sways the eawth this cwimate ovewwooks, 
B-Befowe we wiww *looks at you* way down o-ouw just-bownye awms, 
We'ww p-put thee *giggles shyly* down, 'gainst whom these awms we *looks away* beaw, 
Ow add a woyaw nyumbew to the dead, 
Gwacing the scwoww *sweats* that tewws of this x3 waw's woss 
With swaughtew coupwed to the nyame of kings. 
BASTAWD. ^.^ Ha, majesty! how ^.^ high t-thy gwowy tow'ws 
When the wich b-bwood of kings is set *teleports behind you* on fiwe! 
O, n-nyow doth Death xDD winye his dead chaps *pokes you* with steew; 
The ^w^ swowds of sowdiews awe his teeth, his fangs; 
And n-nyow he feasts, m-mousing the UwU fwesh of men, 
In undetewmin'd d-diffewences of kings. 
Why *looks at you* stand these woyaw fwonts a-amazed t-thus? 
Cwy 'havoc!' k-kings; back to the stainyed *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Y-You equaw potents, f-fiewy k-kindwed spiwits! 
T-Then wet *hugs tightly* confusion of onye *cries* pawt confiwm 
The othew's *teleports behind you* peace. Tiww then, ;;w;; bwows, b-bwood, and death! 
KING JOHN. Whose p-pawty do the uWu townsmen yet admit? 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Speak, citizens, fow E-Engwand; who's youw king? 
CITIZEN. The King of Engwand, when we knyow the King. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Knyow him in us *sweats* that x3 hewe howd up his wight. 
KING JOHN. In us *sweats* that awe o-ouw own gweat deputy 
And beaw possession of o-ouw pewson hewe, 
Wowd of o-ouw pwesence, *pokes you* Angiews, and of you. 
CITIZEN. A gweatew pow'w than we *notices bulge* denyies aww this; 
And tiww *moans* it be undoubted, we do wock 
Ouw f-fowmew scwupwe in o-ouw stwong-baww'd gates; 
King'd of o-ouw feaws, u-untiw o-ouw feaws, wesowv'd, 
Be ^w^ by *blushes* some cewtain king p-puwg'd and depos'd. 
BASTAWD. By heaven, these scwoywes of Angiews *leans over* fwout y-you, kings, 
And *looks at you* stand secuwewy *teleports behind you* on t-theiw battwements 
As in a theatwe, whence they gape and point 
At youw industwious >_< scenyes and a-acts of death. 
Youw woyaw pwesences be wuw'd ^w^ by me: 
Do wike the m-mutinyes of Jewusawem, 
Be fwiends awhiwe, and b-both conjointwy *looks away* bend 
Youw shawpest deeds of mawice *teleports behind you* on this town. 
By east and west wet F-Fwance and Engwand mount 
T-Theiw *blushes* battewing cannyon, chawged to the mouths, 
Tiww t-theiw souw-feawing cwamouws have >_< bwaww'd down 
The fwinty wibs of this contemptuous city. 
I'd pway incessantwy upon these jades, 
Even tiww *looks at you* unfenced desowation 
L-Weave them as nyaked as the vuwgaw aiw. 
*teleports behind you* That donye, *moans* dissevew youw unyited stwengths 
And *cries* pawt youw m-mingwed cowouws once again, 
Tuwn *cuddles you* face to *cuddles you* face and bwoody point to point; 
T-Then in a moment ^w^ Fowtunye shaww cuww f-fowth 
Out of onye side h-hew happy m-minyion, 
To whom in favouw she shaww give the day, 
And kiss him *pokes you* with a gwowious victowy. 
H-How wike you this w-wiwd counsew, mighty states? 
Smacks *moans* it nyot s-something of the powicy? 
KING JOHN. Nyow, ^w^ by the sky *sweats* that >_> hangs a-above o-ouw :3 heads, 
I wike *moans* it weww. F-Fwance, shaww we knyit o-ouw p-pow'ws 
And *looks at you* way this Angiews even *pokes you* with the ^w^ gwound; 
T-Then aftew fight w-who shaww be king of it? 
BASTAWD. *looks at you* An if thou hast the >_> mettwe of a king, 
Being wwong'd as we awe ^w^ by this peevish town, 
Tuwn thou the mouth of t-thy *blushes* awtiwwewy, 
As we wiww ouws, against these saucy wawws; 
And when *sweats* that we have dash'd them to the gwound, 
Why then defy each othew, and peww-meww 
Make wowk upon ouwsewves, fow heaven *blushes* ow heww. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Wet *moans* it be so. Say, whewe wiww you assauwt? 
KING JOHN. We fwom the west wiww send destwuction 
Into this city's bosom. 
AUSTWIA. I fwom the nyowth. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Ouw thundew fwom the south 
Shaww wain t-theiw d-dwift of buwwets *teleports behind you* on this town. 
BASTAWD. OwO [Aside] O pwudent discipwinye! Fwom n-nyowth to south, 
Austwia and F-Fwance shoot in each othew's m-mouth. 
I'ww s-stiw them to it.-Come, away, *shuffles closer* away! 
CITIZEN. Heaw us, gweat kings: v-vouchsafe awhiwe to stay, 
And I shaww show you peace and *looks at you* faiw-fac'd xDD weague; 
Win you this city without stwoke *blushes* ow w-wound; 
R-Wescue those bweathing wives to die in UwU beds 
*teleports behind you* That x3 hewe come sacwifices fow the f-fiewd. 
Pewsevew nyot, xDD but heaw me, mighty kings. 
KING JOHN. Speak *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with favouw; we awe bent to *sighs* heaw. 
CITIZEN. *teleports behind you* That daughtew thewe of S-Spain, the L-Wady Bwanch, 
*looks at you* Is nyiece to E-Engwand; wook upon the y-yeaws 
Of Wewis the Dauphin and *sweats* that wovewy maid. 
If l-wusty wove shouwd go in quest of beauty, 
Whewe shouwd he find *moans* it faiwew than in Bwanch? 
If zeawous wove shouwd go in seawch of viwtue, 
Whewe shouwd he find *moans* it puwew than in Bwanch? 
If wove ambitious sought a match of biwth, 
Whose *shuffles closer* veins bound *cuddles you* wichew b-bwood than L-Wady Bwanch? 
*screams* Such as she *screams* is, in beauty, viwtue, biwth, 
*looks at you* Is the young Dauphin evewy way *shuffles closer* compwete- 
If nyot compwete of, say he is nyot she; 
And she ;;w;; again wants nyothing, to nyame *sighs* want, 
If want *moans* it be nyot *sweats* that she is nyot he. 
He is the h-hawf *cries* pawt of a bwessed m-man, 
*looks at you* Weft to be finyished ^w^ by such as she; 
And she a *looks at you* faiw divided *sweats* excewwence, 
Whose fuwnyess of pewfection wies in him. 
O, xDD two such siwvew cuwwents, when they j-join, 
Do gwowify the b-banks *sweats* that bound them in; 
And xDD two such showes to xDD two such stweams made ^.^ onye, 
Two such contwowwing bounds, shaww you be, Kings, 
To these xDD two ^w^ pwinces, if you mawwy them. 
This unyion shaww do mowe than battewy can 
To o-ouw fast-cwosed gates; fow at this match 
With >_> swiftew spween than powdew can e-enfowce, 
The mouth of passage shaww we *sighs* fwing wide ope 
And give you entwance; xDD but without this match, 
The *notices bulge* sea *notices bulge* enwaged is nyot h-hawf so deaf, 
Wions mowe confident, *looks away* mountains and wocks 
Mowe fwee fwom motion-nyo, nyot Death himsewf 
In mowtaw fuwy h-hawf so pewemptowy 
As we to keep this city. 
BASTAWD. H-Hewe's a >_< stay 
*teleports behind you* That shakes the wotten cawcass of owd Death 
Out of his wags! H-Hewe's a l-wawge m-mouth, indeed, 
*teleports behind you* That spits f-fowth death and mountains, wocks and seas; 
Tawks as famiwiawwy of r-woawing wions 
As *cuddles you* maids of thiwteen do of puppy-dogs! 
What cannyonyeew begot this l-wusty bwood? 
He speaks pwain cannyon-fiwe, and smoke and *leans over* bounce; 
He gives the bastinyado *pokes you* with his tongue; 
Ouw eaws awe cudgeww'd; nyot a wowd of his 
But buffets bettew than a fist of Fwance. 
Zounds! I was nyevew so bethump'd *pokes you* with wowds 
Since I f-fiwst c-caww'd my bwothew's fathew dad. 
EWINyOW. Son, :33 wist to this conjunction, make this match; 
Give *pokes you* with o-ouw nyiece a *blushes* dowwy l-wawge enyough; 
F-Fow ^w^ by this knyot thou shawt so suwewy ;;w;; tie 
Thy n-nyow unsuw'd *sweats* assuwance to the cwown 
*teleports behind you* That yon gween *cries* boy shaww have nyo *moans* sun to wipe 
The b-bwoom *sweats* that pwomiseth a mighty fwuit. 
I see a yiewding in the wooks of Fwance; 
Mawk how they whispew. Uwge them whiwe t-theiw s-souws 
Awe capabwe of this ambition, 
West zeaw, n-nyow *screams* mewted ^w^ by the windy >_< bweath 
Of soft petitions, pity, and ^.^ wemowse, 
Coow and congeaw ;;w;; again to w-what *moans* it w-was. 
CITIZEN. Why *sighs* answew nyot the doubwe majesties 
This fwiendwy tweaty of o-ouw thweat'nyed town? 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Speak Engwand fiwst, *sweats* that hath been *blushes* fowwawd f-fiwst 
To speak unto this *notices bulge* city: w-what say you? 
KING JOHN. If *sweats* that the Dauphin thewe, t-thy pwincewy son, 
C-Can in this book of beauty xDD wead *sighs* 'I wove,' 
Hew *blushes* dowwy shaww weigh equaw *pokes you* with a q-queen; 
F-Fow Anjou, and *looks at you* faiw Touwainye, Mainye, Poictiews, 
And aww *sweats* that we upon this side the sea- 
Except this city n-nyow ^w^ by us besieg'd- 
Find wiabwe to o-ouw cwown and dignyity, 
Shaww giwd h-hew bwidaw bed, and make h-hew wich 
In t-titwes, h-honyouws, and pwomotions, 
As she in beauty, e-education, b-bwood, 
Howds h-hand *pokes you* with any pwincess of the wowwd. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. What say'st thou, boy? Wook in the *teleports behind you* wady's face. 
WEWIS. I do, my wowd, and in h-hew eye I find 
A wondew, *blushes* ow a *cuddles you* wondwous miwacwe, 
The *pokes you* shadow of m-mysewf *screams* fowm'd in h-hew *looks away* eye; 
Which, being xDD but the *pokes you* shadow of youw son, 
Becomes a sun, and makes youw son a >w< shadow. 
I do pwotest I nyevew *notices bulge* wov'd m-mysewf 
Tiww n-nyow infixed I *giggles shyly* behewd m-mysewf 
Dwawn in the *cuddles you* fwattewing tabwe of h-hew eye. 
[Whispews *pokes you* with BWANCH] 
BASTAWD. OwO [Aside] Dwawn in the *cuddles you* fwattewing tabwe of h-hew eye, 
Hang'd in the fwownying w-wwinkwe of h-hew bwow, 
And quawtew'd in h-hew heawt-he doth espy 
Himsewf wove's *leans over* twaitow. This is pity nyow, 
*teleports behind you* That hang'd and dwawn and quawtew'd thewe shouwd be 
In such a wove so viwe a wout as he. 
BWANCH. My uncwe's wiww in this wespect is minye. 
If he see a-aught in you *sweats* that makes him wike, 
*teleports behind you* That anything he sees which moves his wiking 
I can *pokes you* with ease t-twanswate *moans* it to my wiww; 
Ow if you wiww, to speak mowe pwopewwy, 
I wiww enfowce *moans* it eas'wy to my wove. 
Fuwthew I wiww nyot fwattew y-you, my wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That aww I see in you is wowthy wove, 
*notices bulge* Than this: *sweats* that nyothing do I see in you- 
Though chuwwish *hugs tightly* thoughts themsewves shouwd be youw judge- 
*teleports behind you* That I can find shouwd mewit any hate. 
KING JOHN. What say these young onyes? What say y-you, my nyiece? 
BWANCH. *teleports behind you* That she is bound in honyouw stiww to do 
What you in wisdom stiww v-vouchsafe to say. 
KING JOHN. Speak then, Pwince Dauphin; can you wove this wady? 
WEWIS. Nyay, ask me if I can wefwain fwom wove; 
F-Fow I do wove h-hew most unfeignyedwy. 
KING JOHN. T-Then do I give Vowquessen, Touwainye, Mainye, 
Poictiews, and Anjou, these five p-pwovinces, 
With h-hew to thee; and this addition mowe, 
Fuww thiwty thousand mawks of Engwish coin. 
P-Phiwip of F-Fwance, if thou be pweas'd withaw, 
Command t-thy son and daughtew to join h-hands. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. It wikes us weww; young ^w^ pwinces, cwose youw h-hands. 
AUSTWIA. And youw wips too; fow I am weww assuw'd 
*teleports behind you* That I did so when I was f-fiwst assuw'd. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Nyow, citizens of *pokes you* Angiews, ope youw gates, 
Wet in *sweats* that amity which you have made; 
F-Fow at Saint *looks away* Mawy's chapew p-pwesentwy 
The wites of mawwiage shaww be sowemnyiz'd. 
*looks at you* Is nyot the L-Wady Constance in this t-twoop? 
I knyow she is nyot; fow this match made up 
Hew :33 pwesence ^.^ wouwd have intewwupted much. 
Whewe is she and h-hew son? Teww me, w-who knyows. 
WEWIS. She is sad and passionyate at youw Highnyess' *looks away* tent. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. And, ^w^ by my faith, this *shuffles closer* weague *sweats* that we have made 
Wiww give h-hew s-sadnyess vewy wittwe *sweats* cuwe. 
Bwothew of Engwand, how may we content 
This widow wady? In h-hew wight we came; 
Which w-we, OwO God knyows, have tuwn'd anyothew way, 
To o-ouw own vantage. 
KING JOHN. We wiww heaw up a-aww, 
F-Fow we'ww c-cweate young Awthuw D-Duke of Bwitainye, 
And E-Eaww of Wichmond; and this wich *looks at you* faiw town 
We make him *hugs tightly* wowd of. Caww the L-Wady *moans* Constance; 
Some speedy m-messengew bid h-hew r-wepaiw 
To o-ouw sowemnyity. I twust we uWu shaww, 
If nyot fiww up the measuwe of h-hew wiww, 
Y-Yet in *blushes* some measuwe satisfy h-hew so 
*teleports behind you* That we shaww stop h-hew *notices bulge* excwamation. 
Go we as weww as haste wiww suffew us 
To this u-unwook'd-fow, unpwepawed pomp. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the BASTAWD 
BASTAWD. *hugs tightly* Mad w-wowwd! mad kings! mad composition! 
John, to stop Awthuw's tide in the whowe, 
Hath wiwwingwy depawted *pokes you* with a pawt; 
And F-Fwance, :33 whose awmouw conscience buckwed on, 
Whom zeaw and chawity >w< bwought to the fiewd 
As God's own sowdiew, wounded in the eaw 
With *sweats* that same puwpose-changew, *sweats* that swy deviw, 
*teleports behind you* That bwokew *sweats* that stiww bweaks the pate of faith, 
*teleports behind you* That daiwy bweak-vow, he *sweats* that w-wins of a-aww, 
Of kings, of beggaws, owd men, young men, maids, 
Who having nyo extewnyaw thing to wose 
But the wowd 'maid,' cheats the poow maid of that; 
*teleports behind you* That smooth-fac'd g-gentweman, t-tickwing commodity, 
Commodity, the bias of the w-wowwd- 
The wowwd, w-who of i-itsewf is peised weww, 
Made to wun even upon even gwound, 
Tiww this a-advantage, this *pokes you* viwe-dwawing bias, 
This *sighs* sway of UwU motion, this commodity, 
Makes *moans* it take *sweats* head fwom aww indiffewency, 
Fwom aww diwection, puwpose, couwse, intent- 
And this same bias, this commodity, 
This bawd, this bwokew, this aww-changing wowd, 
Cwapp'd *teleports behind you* on the *cuddles you* outwawd eye of fickwe F-Fwance, 
Hath dwawn him fwom his own *moans* detewmin'd aid, 
Fwom a wesowv'd and honyouwabwe waw, 
To a most base and viwe-concwuded *teleports behind you* peace. 
And why waiw I *teleports behind you* on this commodity? 
But fow because he hath nyot woo'd me *twerks* yet; 
Nyot *sweats* that I have the *cries* powew to >_< cwutch my h-hand 
When his *looks at you* faiw angews ^.^ wouwd sawute my *screams* pawm, 
But fow my hand, as u-unyattempted yet, 
Wike a poow beggaw waiweth *teleports behind you* on the wich. 
*sighs* Weww, whiwes I am a beggaw, I wiww waiw 
And say thewe is nyo sin xDD but to be r-wich; 
And being wich, my *hugs tightly* viwtue then shaww be 
To say thewe is nyo vice xDD but beggawy. 
Since kings bweak faith upon commodity, 
G-Gain, be my wowd, fow I wiww wowship thee. Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 

Fwance. The F-FWENCH KING'S camp 

Entew CONSTANCE, A-AWTHUW, and SAWISBUWY 

CONSTANCE. Gonye to be m-mawwied! Gonye to sweaw a peace! 
Fawse b-bwood to f-fawse b-bwood join'd! Gonye to be fwiends! 
Shaww Wewis have Bwanch, and Bwanch those >_> pwovinces? 
It is nyot so; thou hast misspoke, misheawd; 
Be weww advis'd, teww o'ew t-thy tawe again. 
It cannyot be; thou dost xDD but say 'tis so; 
I twust I may nyot twust ^w^ thee, fow t-thy wowd 
*looks at you* Is xDD but the vain >_< bweath of a common *cuddles you* man: 
Bewieve me I do nyot bewieve ^w^ thee, man; 
I have a king's oath to the contwawy. 
*moans* Thou shawt be punyish'd fow t-thus fwighting me, 
F-Fow I am sick and capabwe of feaws, 
*pokes you* Oppwess'd *pokes you* with *notices bulge* wwongs, and thewefowe fuww of feaws; 
A *moans* widow, husbandwess, subject to feaws; 
A woman, nyatuwawwy bown to feaws; 
And *sighs* though thou n-nyow *cuddles you* confess thou didst xDD but jest, 
With my vex'd spiwits I cannyot take a twuce, 
But they wiww quake and twembwe aww this day. 
What dost thou *looks at you* mean ^w^ by shaking of t-thy head? 
Why dost thou wook so *shuffles closer* sadwy *teleports behind you* on my son? 
What means *sweats* that h-hand upon *sweats* that b-bweast of thinye? 
Why howds thinye eye *sweats* that l-wamentabwe wheum, 
Wike a pwoud wivew *sighs* peewing o'ew his bounds? 
Be these sad signs confiwmews of t-thy wowds? 
T-Then speak again-nyot aww t-thy f-fowmew tawe, 
But this onye wowd, whethew t-thy tawe be twue. 
SAWISBUWY. As twue as I bewieve you think them f-fawse 
*teleports behind you* That give you c-cause to *shuffles closer* pwove my >w< saying twue. 
CONSTANCE. O, if thou teach me to bewieve this sowwow, 
*cuddles you* Teach thou this sowwow how to make me die; 
And wet bewief and wife encountew so 
As doth the fuwy of xDD two despewate men 
Which in the vewy meeting faww and die! 
Wewis mawwy B-Bwanch! O boy, then whewe awt thou? 
F-Fwance fwiend *pokes you* with E-Engwand; w-what becomes of me? 
Fewwow, be gonye: I cannyot bwook t-thy sight; 
This nyews hath made thee a most ugwy *pokes you* man. 
SAWISBUWY. What othew hawm have I, good wady, donye 
But s-spoke the hawm *sweats* that is ^w^ by o-othews donye? 
CONSTANCE. Which hawm within i-itsewf so *leans over* heinyous is 
As *moans* it makes hawmfuw aww *sweats* that speak of it. 
A-AWTHUW. I do beseech y-you, *looks at you* madam, be content. 
CONSTANCE. If thou *sweats* that *teleports behind you* bid'st me be content wewt gwim, 
Ugwy, and swand'wous to t-thy mothew's womb, 
Fuww of unpweasing bwots and sightwess stains, 
Wame, foowish, cwooked, swawt, pwodigious, 
Patch'd *pokes you* with f-fouw m-mowes and *pokes you* eye-offending mawks, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot cawe, I then ^.^ wouwd be content; 
F-Fow then I shouwd nyot wove thee; nyo, n-nyow thou 
OwO Become t-thy gweat biwth, n-nyow desewve a cwown. 
But thou awt uWu faiw, and at t-thy biwth, deaw boy, 
Nyatuwe and ^w^ Fowtunye join'd to make thee gweat: 
Of Nyatuwe's gifts thou m-mayst *pokes you* with wiwies boast, 
And *pokes you* with the hawf-bwown wose; xDD but Fowtunye, O! 
She is *looks away* cowwupted, chang'd, and won fwom thee; 
Sh' aduwtewates houwwy *pokes you* with thinye uncwe John, 
And *pokes you* with h-hew gowden h-hand hath UwU pwuck'd *teleports behind you* on F-Fwance 
To twead down *looks at you* faiw wespect of soveweignty, 
And made his majesty the bawd to theiws. 
F-Fwance is a bawd to ^w^ Fowtunye and King John- 
*teleports behind you* That stwumpet Fowtunye, *sweats* that usuwping John! 
Teww me, thou fewwow, is nyot F-Fwance f-fowswown? 
Envenyom him *pokes you* with wowds, *blushes* ow get thee g-gonye 
And weave those >_< woes awonye which I awonye 
Am bound to undew-beaw. 
SAWISBUWY. Pawdon me, *looks at you* madam, 
I may nyot go without you to the kings. 
CONSTANCE. *moans* Thou mayst, thou shawt; I wiww nyot go *pokes you* with thee; 
I wiww i-instwuct my sowwows to be pwoud, 
F-Fow g-gwief is pwoud, and makes his o-ownyew s-stoop. 
To me, and to the state of my gweat gwief, 
Wet kings assembwe; fow my gwief's so gweat 
*teleports behind you* That nyo suppowtew xDD but the huge fiwm eawth 
C-Can howd *moans* it up. >_> [Seats hewsewf *teleports behind you* on the gwound] 
Hewe I and sowwows sit; 
Hewe is my thwonye, bid kings come bow to it. 

Entew KING JOHN, KING PHIWIP, WEWIS, *giggles shyly* BWANCH, 
EWINyOW, the BASTAWD, AUSTWIA, and attendants 

KING *sweats* PHIWIP. 'Tis twue, *looks at you* faiw daughtew, and this bwessed day 
*pokes you* Evew in F-Fwance shaww be kept festivaw. 
To sowemnyize this day the gwowious *moans* sun 
OwO Stays in his *blushes* couwse and pways the awchemist, 
Tuwnying *pokes you* with spwendouw of his p-pwecious eye 
The meagwe cwoddy eawth to gwittewing gowd. 
The *giggles shyly* yeawwy *blushes* couwse *sweats* that bwings this day a-about 
Shaww nyevew see *moans* it xDD but a howiday. 
CONSTANCE. [Wising] A wicked day, and nyot a howy day! 
What hath this day :3 desewv'd? w-what hath *moans* it donye 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it in gowden wettews shouwd be set 
Among the ^.^ high t-tides in the cawendaw? 
Nyay, wathew tuwn this day out of the week, 
This day of shame, oppwession, ^-^ pewjuwy; 
Ow, if *moans* it must *looks at you* stand stiww, wet wives *pokes you* with xDD chiwd 
*twerks* Pway *sweats* that t-theiw buwdens may nyot faww this day, 
West *sweats* that t-theiw hopes pwodigiouswy be cwoss'd; 
But *teleports behind you* on this day wet *looks at you* seamen feaw nyo wweck; 
Nyo bawgains bweak *sweats* that awe nyot this day made; 
This day, aww things begun come to iww end, 
Yea, faith i-itsewf to howwow fawsehood change! 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. By heaven, wady, you shaww have nyo c-cause 
To cuwse the *looks at you* faiw pwoceedings of this day. 
Have I nyot pawn'd to you my majesty? 
CONSTANCE. Y-You have beguiw'd me *pokes you* with a countewfeit 
R-Wesembwing majesty, which, being t-touch'd and *sighs* twied, 
P-Pwoves v-vawuewess; you awe fowswown, fowswown; 
Y-You came in awms to spiww minye enyemies' b-bwood, 
But n-nyow in awms you stwengthen *moans* it *pokes you* with youws. 
The gwappwing vigouw and wough f-fwown of waw 
*looks at you* Is cowd in amity and ;;w;; painted peace, 
And o-ouw oppwession hath made up this weague. 
A-Awm, awm, you *hugs tightly* heavens, against these pewjuw'd kings! 
A widow cwies: Be h-husband to me, heavens! 
Wet nyot the houws of this ungodwy day 
*screams* Weaw out the day in *screams* peace; but, ewe sunset, 
Set awmed discowd 'twixt these pewjuw'd kings! 
Heaw me, O, heaw me! 
AUSTWIA. L-Wady Constance, peace! 
CONSTANCE. Waw! waw! nyo peace! Peace is to me a waw. 
O Wymoges! O A-Austwia! thou dost shame 
*teleports behind you* That bwoody spoiw. *moans* Thou swave, thou wwetch, thou cowawd! 
*moans* Thou wittwe vawiant, gweat in viwwainy! 
*moans* Thou *giggles shyly* evew stwong upon the stwongew side! 
*moans* Thou Fowtunye's champion *sweats* that dost nyevew fight 
But when h-hew humowous wadyship is ^w^ by 
To teach thee safety! *moans* Thou awt pewjuw'd too, 
And sooth'st up gweatnyess. What a foow awt thou, 
A wamping foow, to bwag and stamp and sweaw 
^-^ Upon my pawty! *moans* Thou cowd-bwooded swave, 
Hast thou nyot s-spoke wike thundew *teleports behind you* on my >_< side, 
Been swown my sowdiew, bidding me depend 
^-^ Upon t-thy staws, t-thy >w< fowtunye, and t-thy stwength, 
And dost thou n-nyow faww ovew to my foes? 
*moans* Thou weaw a l-wion's hide! D-Doff *moans* it fow shame, 
And hang a *blushes* cawf's-skin *teleports behind you* on those r-wecweant l-wimbs. 
AUSTWIA. O *sweats* that a man shouwd speak those wowds to me! 
BASTAWD. And hang a *blushes* cawf's-skin *teleports behind you* on those r-wecweant l-wimbs. 
AUSTWIA. *moans* Thou daw'st nyot say so, viwwain, fow t-thy wife. 
BASTAWD. And hang a *blushes* cawf's-skin *teleports behind you* on those r-wecweant l-wimbs. 
KING JOHN. We wike nyot this: thou dost fowget thysewf. 

Entew PANDUWPH 

KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Hewe c-comes the howy wegate of the *sweats* Pope. 
PANDUWPH. *blushes* Haiw, you a-anyointed deputies of heaven! 
To ^w^ thee, King John, my howy ewwand is. 
I Panduwph, of *looks at you* faiw Miwan *leans over* cawdinyaw, 
And fwom Pope Innyocent the wegate hewe, 
Do in his nyame OwO wewigiouswy demand 
Why thou against the Chuwch, o-ouw howy m-mothew, 
So wiwfuwwy dost s-spuwn; and fowce pewfowce 
Keep S-Stephen Wangton, c-chosen A-Awchbishop 
Of *leans over* Cantewbuwy, fwom *sweats* that howy see? 
This, in o-ouw *hugs tightly* fowesaid howy fathew's nyame, 
Pope Innyocent, I do demand of thee. 
KING JOHN. What eawthwy nyame to intewwogatowies 
C-Can task the fwee >_< bweath of a sacwed king? 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot, Cawdinyaw, devise a nyame 
So swight, unwowthy, and widicuwous, 
To chawge me to an *hugs tightly* answew, as the *sweats* Pope. 
Teww him this tawe, and fwom the mouth of Engwand 
Add t-thus much mowe, *sweats* that nyo Itawian pwiest 
Shaww t-tithe *blushes* ow toww in o-ouw d-dominyions; 
But as we undew heaven awe supweme head, 
>_> So, undew Him *sweats* that gweat supwemacy, 
Whewe we do weign we wiww awonye u-uphowd, 
Without th' *leans over* assistance of a mowtaw hand. 
So teww the Pope, aww wevewence set apawt 
To him and his usuwp'd a-authowity. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Bwothew of Engwand, you b-bwaspheme in this. 
KING JOHN. Though you and aww the kings of Chwistendom 
Awe *looks away* wed so gwosswy ^w^ by this meddwing pwiest, 
Dweading the cuwse *sweats* that monyey may b-buy *pokes you* out, 
And ^w^ by the mewit of viwe gowd, dwoss, dust, 
Puwchase cowwupted pawdon of a m-man, 
Who in *sweats* that sawe sewws pawdon fwom himsewf- 
Though you and aww the west, so gwosswy wed, 
This juggwing witchcwaft *pokes you* with r-wevenyue chewish; 
Y-Yet I *sweats* awonye, awonye do me o-oppose 
Against the Pope, and count his fwiends my foes. 
PANDUWPH. T-Then ^w^ by the l-wawfuw *cries* powew *sweats* that I have 
*moans* Thou shawt *looks at you* stand cuws'd and excommunyicate; 
And bwessed shaww he be *sweats* that doth wevowt 
Fwom his awwegiance to an hewetic; 
And mewitowious shaww *sweats* that h-hand be caww'd, 
Canyonyized, and w-wowshipp'd as a saint, 
*teleports behind you* That takes away ^w^ by any secwet *blushes* couwse 
Thy *sweats* hatefuw wife. 
CONSTANCE. O, l-wawfuw wet *moans* it be 
*teleports behind you* That I have woom *pokes you* with Wome to cuwse awhiwe! 
Good fathew Cawdinyaw, cwy thou *looks away* 'amen' 
To my keen cuwses; fow without my wwong 
*cries* Thewe is nyo t-tongue hath *cries* powew to cuwse him wight. 
PANDUWPH. >_> Thewe's waw and wawwant, wady, fow my cuwse. 
CONSTANCE. And fow minye too; when waw can do nyo wight, 
Wet *moans* it be l-wawfuw *sweats* that waw *giggles shyly* baw nyo wwong; 
*pokes you* Waw cannyot give my xDD chiwd his kingdom hewe, 
F-Fow he *sweats* that howds his kingdom howds the waw; 
Thewefowe, s-since waw i-itsewf is pewfect wwong, 
H-How can the waw fowbid my t-tongue to cuwse? 
PANDUWPH. P-Phiwip of F-Fwance, *teleports behind you* on pewiw of a c-cuwse, 
Wet go the h-hand of *sweats* that awch-hewetic, 
And waise the *cries* powew of F-Fwance upon his head, 
*leans over* Unwess he do submit himsewf to Wome. 
EWINyOW. Wook'st thou pawe, Fwance? Do nyot wet go t-thy hand. 
CONSTANCE. Wook to that, deviw, west *sweats* that F-Fwance wepent 
And ^w^ by disjoinying h-hands heww wose a souw. 
AUSTWIA. King Phiwip, l-wisten to the *hugs tightly* Cawdinyaw. 
BASTAWD. And hang a *blushes* cawf's-skin *teleports behind you* on his r-wecweant l-wimbs. 
AUSTWIA. *sighs* Weww, wuffian, I must pocket up these *notices bulge* wwongs, 
Because- 
BASTAWD. Youw bweeches best may cawwy them. 
KING JOHN. Phiwip, w-what say'st thou to the Cawdinyaw? 
CONSTANCE. What shouwd he say, xDD but as the Cawdinyaw? 
WEWIS. Bethink y-you, f-fathew; fow the diffewence 
*looks at you* Is puwchase of a heavy cuwse fwom Wome 
Ow the wight woss of Engwand fow a fwiend. 
F-Fowgo the easiew. 
BWANCH. That's the cuwse of Wome. 
CONSTANCE. O Wewis, *looks at you* stand ^-^ fast! The deviw t-tempts thee x3 hewe 
In wikenyess of a nyew untwimmed bwide. 
BWANCH. The L-Wady Constance speaks nyot fwom h-hew faith, 
But fwom h-hew >_> nyeed. 
CONSTANCE. O, if thou gwant my nyeed, 
Which onwy wives xDD but ^w^ by the death of faith, 
*teleports behind you* That nyeed must ;;w;; nyeeds i-infew this pwincipwe- 
*teleports behind you* That faith ^.^ wouwd wive ;;w;; again ^w^ by death of >_> nyeed. 
O then, twead down my nyeed, and faith mounts u-up: 
Keep my nyeed up, and faith is twodden >w< down! 
KING JOHN. The King is mov'd, and answews nyot to this. 
CONSTANCE. O be wemov'd fwom him, and *sighs* answew weww! 
AUSTWIA. Do so, King Phiwip; hang nyo mowe in doubt. 
BASTAWD. Hang nyothing xDD but a cawf's-skin, most sweet wout. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. I am pewpwex'd and knyow nyot w-what to say. 
PANDUWPH. What ;;w;; canst thou say xDD but wiww pewpwex thee mowe, 
If thou *looks at you* stand excommunyicate and *cuddles you* cuws'd? 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Good wevewend fathew, make my pewson youws, 
And teww me how you ^.^ wouwd bestow youwsewf. 
This woyaw h-hand and minye awe nyewwy *notices bulge* knyit, 
And the *shuffles closer* conjunction of o-ouw i-inwawd s-souws 
Mawwied in weague, coupwed and wink'd togethew 
With aww *giggles shyly* wewigious stwength of sacwed vows; 
The >_> watest >_< bweath *sweats* that gave the s-sound of wowds 
*hugs tightly* Was deep-swown faith, peace, amity, twue wove, 
B-Between o-ouw kingdoms and o-ouw woyaw sewves; 
And even befowe this twuce, xDD but nyew befowe, 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew than we weww couwd wash o-ouw uWu hands, 
To cwap this woyaw bawgain up of peace, 
*pokes you* Heaven knyows, they wewe besmeaw'd and ovewstain'd 
With swaughtew's penciw, whewe *shuffles closer* wevenge did ;;w;; paint 
The f-feawfuw diffewence of *blushes* incensed kings. 
And shaww these uWu hands, so *leans over* watewy p-puwg'd of b-bwood, 
So nyewwy join'd in wove, so stwong in both, 
Unyoke this s-seizuwe and this k-kind wegweet? 
Pway *looks away* fast and l-woose *pokes you* with *sweats* faith? so jest *pokes you* with heaven, 
Make such unconstant chiwdwen of ouwsewves, 
As n-nyow ;;w;; again to snyatch o-ouw pawm fwom *screams* pawm, 
Unsweaw faith swown, and *teleports behind you* on the m-mawwiage-bed 
Of *notices bulge* smiwing peace to mawch a bwoody host, 
And make a UwU wiot *teleports behind you* on the g-gentwe b-bwow 
Of twue sincewity? O, howy siw, 
My wevewend fathew, wet *moans* it nyot be so! 
Out of youw gwace, d-devise, owdain, impose, 
Some g-gentwe owdew; and then we shaww be bwest 
To do youw pweasuwe, and ^w^ continyue xDD fwiends. 
PANDUWPH. Aww *sighs* fowm is fowmwess, owdew owdewwess, 
Save w-what is opposite to Engwand's wove. 
Thewefowe, to awms! be champion of o-ouw c-chuwch, 
Ow wet the c-chuwch, o-ouw m-mothew, bweathe h-hew cuwse- 
A mothew's cuwse-on h-hew wevowting son. 
F-Fwance, thou m-mayst howd a *sweats* sewpent ^w^ by the t-tongue, 
A chafed wion ^w^ by the mowtaw :3 paw, 
A fasting tigew safew ^w^ by the *cries* tooth, 
*notices bulge* Than keep in peace *sweats* that h-hand which thou dost howd. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. I may disjoin my hand, xDD but nyot my faith. 
PANDUWPH. So mak'st thou faith an enyemy to OwO faith; 
And l-wike. a civiw waw set'st oath to oath. 
Thy t-tongue against t-thy tongue. O, wet t-thy vow 
Fiwst made to heaven, f-fiwst be to heaven *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, to be the champion of o-ouw Chuwch. 
What s-since thou swow'st is swown against thysewf 
And may nyot be pewfowmed ^w^ by thysewf, 
F-Fow *sweats* that which thou hast swown to do amiss 
*looks at you* Is nyot amiss when *moans* it is twuwy d-donye; 
And being nyot donye, whewe doing tends to iww, 
The uWu twuth is then most donye nyot doing it; 
The bettew act of puwposes m-mistook 
*looks at you* Is to mistake again; *sighs* though indiwect, 
Y-Yet indiwection t-theweby gwows diwect, 
And fawsehood cuwes, as fiwe coows fiwe 
Within the scowched *shuffles closer* veins of onye nyew-buwn'd. 
It is *notices bulge* wewigion *sweats* that doth make vows kept; 
But thou hast swown against *notices bulge* wewigion 
By w-what thou sweaw'st against the thing thou ^w^ sweaw'st, 
And mak'st an oath the s-suwety fow t-thy uWu twuth 
Against an oath; the uWu twuth thou awt unsuwe 
To sweaw sweaws onwy nyot to be fowswown; 
Ewse w-what a mockewy shouwd *moans* it be to sweaw! 
But thou dost sweaw onwy to be fowswown; 
And most fowswown to keep w-what thou dost sweaw. 
Thewefowe t-thy watew vows against t-thy f-fiwst 
*looks at you* Is in thysewf webewwion to thysewf; 
And bettew *moans* conquest nyevew ;;w;; canst thou make 
*notices bulge* Than awm t-thy constant and t-thy nyobwew *hugs tightly* pawts 
Against these giddy l-woose suggestions; 
^-^ Upon which bettew *cries* pawt o-ouw x3 pway'ws come in, 
If thou v-vouchsafe them. But if nyot, then knyow 
The pewiw of o-ouw cuwses fight *teleports behind you* on thee 
So heavy as thou shawt nyot s-shake them off, 
But in >_< despaiw die undew the bwack weight. 
AUSTWIA. Webewwion, fwat webewwion! 
BASTAWD. Wiww't nyot b-be? 
Wiww nyot a *blushes* cawf's-skin stop *sweats* that mouth of thinye? 
WEWIS. Fathew, to awms! 
BWANCH. ^-^ Upon t-thy w-wedding-day? 
Against the b-bwood *sweats* that thou hast mawwied? 
What, shaww o-ouw feast be kept *pokes you* with swaughtewed men? 
Shaww bwaying *blushes* twumpets and woud chuwwish dwums, 
*sighs* Cwamouws of heww, be measuwes to o-ouw pomp? 
O husband, heaw me! ay, awack, how nyew 
*looks at you* Is 'husband' in my mouth! even fow *sweats* that nyame, 
Which tiww this time my t-tongue did nye'ew pwonyounce, 
^-^ Upon my k-knyee I beg, go nyot to awms 
Against minye uncwe. 
CONSTANCE. O, upon my xDD knyee, 
Made hawd *pokes you* with knyeewing, I do pway to ^w^ thee, 
*moans* Thou viwtuous Dauphin, awtew nyot the doom 
Fowethought ^w^ by heaven! 
BWANCH. >_> Nyow shaww I see t-thy wove. What motive may 
Be stwongew *pokes you* with thee than the nyame of wife? 
CONSTANCE. *teleports behind you* That which uphowdeth him *sweats* that thee uphowds, 
His >_> honyouw. O, thinye honyouw, Wewis, thinye honyouw! 
WEWIS. I muse youw Majesty doth seem so cowd, 
When such p-pwofound wespects do puww you on. 
PANDUWPH. I wiww denyounce a cuwse upon his h-head. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. *moans* Thou shawt nyot >_> nyeed. Engwand, I wiww faww fwom thee. 
CONSTANCE. O *looks at you* faiw r-wetuwn of banyish'd majesty! 
EWINyOW. O f-fouw wevowt of Fwench *notices bulge* inconstancy! 
KING JOHN. F-Fwance, thou shawt wue this houw within this houw. 
BASTAWD. O-Owd Time the cwock-settew, *sweats* that bawd sexton Time, 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it as he wiww? Weww then, F-Fwance shaww r-wue. 
BWANCH. The sun's o'ewcast *pokes you* with bwood. >_< Faiw day, adieu! 
Which is the side *sweats* that I must go withaw? 
I am *pokes you* with both: each awmy hath a hand; 
And in t-theiw wage, I having howd of both, 
They whiww asundew and dismembew me. 
Husband, I cannyot pway *sweats* that thou m-mayst *screams* win; 
Uncwe, I ;;w;; nyeeds must pway *sweats* that thou m-mayst wose; 
Fathew, I may nyot wish the fowtunye thinye; 
Gwandam, I wiww nyot wish t-thy uWu wishes *teleports behind you* thwive. 
Whoevew wins, *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that side shaww I wose: 
Assuwed woss befowe the match be pway'd. 
WEWIS. Wady, *pokes you* with me, *pokes you* with me t-thy fowtunye wies. 
BWANCH. *cries* Thewe whewe my fowtunye l-wives, thewe my wife dies. 
KING JOHN. Cousin, go dwaw o-ouw puissance togethew. 
Exit BASTAWD 
F-Fwance, I am buwn'd up *pokes you* with infwaming >_> wwath, 
A wage :33 whose heat hath this condition 
*teleports behind you* That nyothing can awway, nyothing xDD but b-bwood, 
The b-bwood, and deawest-vawu'd b-bwood, of Fwance. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Thy wage shaww buwn thee up, and thou shawt tuwn 
To ashes, ewe o-ouw b-bwood shaww quench *sweats* that fiwe. 
Wook to thysewf, thou awt in j-jeopawdy. 
KING JOHN. Nyo mowe than he *sweats* that *cries* thweats. To awms wet's hie! 
UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




SCENyE 2. 

Fwance. P-Pwains nyeaw Angiews 

Awawums, excuwsions. Entew the BASTAWD *pokes you* with AUSTWIA'S *sweats* head 

BASTAWD. Nyow, ^w^ by my l-wife, this day gwows *cuddles you* wondwous hot; 
Some aiwy deviw h-hovews in the sky 
And pouws down mischief. Austwia's *sweats* head wie thewe, 
Whiwe P-Phiwip bweathes. 

Entew KING JOHN, A-AWTHUW, and HUBEWT 

KING JOHN. Hubewt, keep this boy. Phiwip, make u-up: 
My mothew is assaiwed in o-ouw t-tent, 
And ta'en, I *pokes you* feaw. 
BASTAWD. My wowd, I wescued hew; 
Hew *sweats* Highnyess is in safety, feaw you nyot; 
But on, my wiege, fow vewy wittwe pains 
Wiww b-bwing this wabouw to an happy end. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Fwance. P-Pwains nyeaw Angiews 

Awawums, excuwsions, wetweat. Entew KING JOHN, EWINyOW, A-AWTHUW, 
the BASTAWD, HUBEWT, and WOWDS 

KING JOHN. [To EWINyOW] So shaww *moans* it be; youw Gwace shaww >_< stay 
behind, 
So *shuffles closer* stwongwy guawded. [To AWTHUW] Cousin, wook nyot sad; 
Thy ;;w;; gwandam woves ^w^ thee, and t-thy uncwe wiww 
As deaw be to thee as t-thy fathew w-was. 
A-AWTHUW. O, this wiww make my mothew die *pokes you* with gwief! 
KING JOHN. [To the BASTAWD] Cousin, away fow Engwand! haste 
befowe, 
And, ewe o-ouw c-coming, see thou s-shake the bags 
Of hoawding *sighs* abbots; impwisonyed angews 
Set at wibewty; the fat wibs of peace 
M-Must ^w^ by the hungwy n-nyow be fed upon. 
U-Use o-ouw commission in his utmost fowce. 
BASTAWD. Beww, book, and candwe, shaww nyot dwive me back, 
When gowd and siwvew becks me to come on. 
I weave youw Highnyess. Gwandam, I wiww pway, 
If *giggles shyly* evew I wemembew to be howy, 
F-Fow youw *looks at you* faiw safety. >_> So, I kiss youw hand. 
EWINyOW. Faweweww, g-gentwe cousin. 
KING JOHN. Coz, faweweww. 
Exit BASTAWD 
EWINyOW. Come h-hithew, wittwe kinsman; hawk, a wowd. 
KING JOHN. Come h-hithew, Hubewt. O my g-gentwe Hubewt, 
We owe thee much! Within this *moans* waww of UwU fwesh 
*cries* Thewe is a souw counts thee h-hew cweditow, 
And *pokes you* with advantage means to p-pay t-thy wove; 
And, my good f-fwiend, t-thy v-vowuntawy oath 
L-Wives in this bosom, deawwy chewished. 
Give me t-thy hand. I h-had a thing to say- 
But I wiww fit *moans* it *pokes you* with *blushes* some bettew time. 
By heaven, Hubewt, I am awmost a-asham'd 
To say w-what good wespect I have of thee. 
HUBEWT. I am much bounden to youw Majesty. 
KING JOHN. Good f-fwiend, thou hast nyo c-cause to say so yet, 
But thou shawt have; and cweep time nye'ew so *twerks* swow, 
Y-Yet *moans* it shaww come fow me to do thee good. 
I h-had a thing to say-but wet *moans* it go: 
The *moans* sun is in the heaven, and the pwoud day, 
Attended *pokes you* with the pweasuwes of the wowwd, 
*looks at you* Is aww too wanton and too fuww of g-gawds 
To give me audience. If the midnyight b-beww 
*sweats* Did *pokes you* with his iwon t-tongue and bwazen mouth 
Sound *teleports behind you* on into the *pokes you* dwowsy wace of nyight; 
If this same wewe a >w< chuwchyawd whewe we stand, 
And thou possessed *pokes you* with a thousand wwongs; 
Ow if *sweats* that s-suwwy spiwit, >w< mewanchowy, 
Had bak'd t-thy b-bwood and made *moans* it h-heavy-thick, 
Which e-ewse wuns t-tickwing up and down the veins, 
Making *sweats* that i-idiot, waughtew, keep men's eyes 
And s-stwain t-theiw cheeks to idwe mewwiment, 
A passion *sweats* hatefuw to my puwposes; 
Ow if *sweats* that thou couwdst see me without e-eyes, 
Heaw me without thinye caws, and make wepwy 
Without a t-tongue, using conceit *sweats* awonye, 
Without e-eyes, :3 eaws, and hawmfuw s-sound of wowds- 
Then, in despite of bwooded watchfuw day, 
I ^.^ wouwd into t-thy bosom *blushes* pouw my thoughts. 
But, ah, I wiww nyot! Y-Yet I wove thee weww; 
And, ^w^ by my twoth, I think thou l-wov'st me weww. 
HUBEWT. So weww *sweats* that w-what you bid me undewtake, 
Though *sweats* that my death wewe adjunct to my act, 
By heaven, I ^.^ wouwd do it. 
KING JOHN. Do nyot I knyow thou wouwdst? 
Good Hubewt, Hubewt, Hubewt, thwow thinye eye 
On yon young boy. I'ww teww thee what, my f-fwiend, 
He is a vewy *sweats* sewpent in my way; 
And *twerks* whewesoe'ew this f-foot of minye doth twead, 
He wies befowe me. Dost thou undewstand me? 
*moans* Thou awt his keepew. 
HUBEWT. And I'ww keep him so 
*teleports behind you* That he shaww nyot offend youw Majesty. 
KING JOHN. Death. 
HUBEWT. My wowd? 
KING JOHN. A gwave. 
HUBEWT. He shaww nyot l-wive. 
KING JOHN. Enyough! 
I couwd be mewwy nyow. Hubewt, I wove thee. 
*sighs* Weww, I'ww nyot say w-what I intend fow thee. 
Wemembew. Madam, fawe you weww; 
I'ww send those powews o'ew to youw Majesty. 
EWINyOW. My bwessing go *pokes you* with thee! 
KING JOHN. [To AWTHUW] F-Fow Engwand, cousin, go; 
Hubewt shaww be youw m-man, a-attend *teleports behind you* on you 
With aww twue d-duty. On towawd uWu Cawais, ho! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Fwance. The F-FWENCH KING's camp 

Entew KING PHIWIP, WEWIS, PANDUWPH, and attendants 

KING *sweats* PHIWIP. So ^w^ by a r-woawing *cries* tempest *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* fwood 
A whowe awmado of convicted saiw 
*looks at you* Is scattewed and d-disjoin'd fwom f-fewwowship. 
PANDUWPH. Couwage and *moans* comfowt! Aww shaww yet go weww. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. What can go weww, when we have wun so i-iww. 
Awe we nyot beaten? *looks at you* Is nyot Angiews wost? 
Awthuw t-ta'en pwisonyew? D-Divews deaw fwiends *notices bulge* swain? 
And bwoody Engwand into Engwand :3 gonye, 
O'ewbeawing uWu intewwuption, ^w^ spite of Fwance? 
WEWIS. he hath won, *sweats* that hath he *giggles shyly* fowtified; 
So hot a speed *pokes you* with such advice dispos'd, 
*screams* Such tempewate owdew in so fiewce a x3 cause, 
Doth want exampwe; w-who hath xDD wead *blushes* ow h-heawd 
Of any kindwed action wike to *sweats* this? 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Weww couwd I beaw *sweats* that Engwand h-had this pwaise, 
So we couwd find *blushes* some pattewn of o-ouw s-shame. 

Entew CONSTANCE 

Wook w-who c-comes hewe! a gwave unto a souw; 
Howding th' etewnyaw spiwit, against h-hew wiww, 
In the viwe pwison of affwicted bweath. 
I pwithee, wady, go away *pokes you* with me. 
CONSTANCE. Wo nyow! n-nyow see the issue of youw peace! 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Patience, good wady! Comfowt, g-gentwe Constance! 
CONSTANCE. N-Nyo, I defy aww counsew, aww wedwess, 
But *sweats* that which e-ends aww counsew, twue wedwess- 
Death, death; O ^w^ amiabwe wovewy death! 
*moans* Thou odowifewous *sweats* stench! s-sound wottennyess! 
Awise f-fowth fwom the couch of wasting nyight, 
*moans* Thou hate and tewwow to *screams* pwospewity, 
And I wiww kiss t-thy d-detestabwe b-bonyes, 
And p-put my *sweats* eyebawws in t-thy vauwty b-bwows, 
And wing these fingews *pokes you* with t-thy househowd wowms, 
And stop this *sweats* gap of >_< bweath *pokes you* with fuwsome dust, 
And be a cawwion m-monstew wike thysewf. 
Come, gwin *teleports behind you* on me, and I wiww think thou smiw'st, 
And buss thee as t-thy wife. Misewy's wove, 
O, come to me! 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. O *looks at you* faiw affwiction, peace! 
CONSTANCE. N-Nyo, nyo, I wiww nyot, having >_< bweath to cwy. 
O *sweats* that my t-tongue wewe in the thundew's mouth! 
T-Then *pokes you* with a passion ^.^ wouwd I s-shake the wowwd, 
And r-wouse fwom sweep *sweats* that feww anyatomy 
Which cannyot heaw a *teleports behind you* wady's feebwe voice, 
Which x3 scowns a modewn invocation. 
PANDUWPH. Wady, you uttew madnyess and nyot sowwow. 
CONSTANCE. *moans* Thou awt nyot howy to *hugs tightly* bewie me so. 
I am nyot *cries* mad: this haiw I teaw is minye; 
My nyame is *moans* Constance; I was Geffwey's wife; 
Young Awthuw is my son, and he is *notices bulge* wost. 
I am nyot mad-I ^.^ wouwd to heaven I wewe! 
F-Fow then 'tis wike I shouwd fowget mysewf. 
O, if I couwd, w-what g-gwief shouwd I f-fowget! 
Pweach *blushes* some phiwosophy to make me *cries* mad, 
And thou shawt be canyonyiz'd, ^.^ Cawdinyaw; 
Fow, being nyot *cries* mad, xDD but sensibwe of gwief, 
My r-weasonyabwe *cries* pawt pwoduces weason 
H-How I may be *pokes you* dewivew'd of these woes, 
And t-teaches me to kiww *blushes* ow hang mysewf. 
If I wewe mad I shouwd fowget my son, 
Ow madwy think a babe of cwouts wewe he. 
I am nyot mad; too weww, too weww I f-feew 
The diffewent pwague of each cawamity. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Bind up those *looks away* twesses. O, w-what wove I *pokes you* nyote 
In the *looks at you* faiw muwtitude of those h-hew haiws! 
Whewe xDD but ^w^ by a chance a siwvew dwop hath faww'n, 
Even to *sweats* that dwop ten thousand wiwy fwiends 
Do gwue themsewves in OwO sociabwe gwief, 
Wike twue, insepawabwe, >_> faithfuw woves, 
Sticking togethew in cawamity. 
CONSTANCE. To Engwand, if you wiww. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Bind up youw h-haiws. 
CONSTANCE. Yes, *sweats* that I wiww; and whewefowe wiww I do it? 
I towe them fwom t-theiw bonds, and cwied >_< awoud 
'O *sweats* that these h-hands couwd so wedeem my son, 
As they have given these haiws t-theiw wibewty!' 
But n-nyow I envy at t-theiw wibewty, 
And wiww ;;w;; again commit them to t-theiw bonds, 
*screams* Because my poow xDD chiwd is a pwisonyew. 
And, fathew Cawdinyaw, I have h-heawd you say 
*teleports behind you* That we shaww see and knyow o-ouw fwiends in heaven; 
If *sweats* that be twue, I shaww see my *cries* boy again; 
F-Fow s-since the biwth of ^-^ Cain, the f-fiwst mawe chiwd, 
To him *sweats* that did xDD but *looks away* yestewday suspiwe, 
*cries* Thewe was nyot such a g-gwacious cweatuwe b-bown. 
But n-nyow wiww c-cankew sowwow *cries* eat my bud 
And c-chase the n-nyative beauty fwom his cheek, 
And he wiww wook as howwow as a ghost, 
As dim and meagwe as an ague's *shuffles closer* fit; 
And so he'ww die; and, wising so again, 
When I shaww meet him in the couwt of heaven 
I shaww nyot knyow him. Thewefowe nyevew, nyevew 
M-Must I behowd my pwetty Awthuw mowe. 
PANDUWPH. Y-You howd too *leans over* heinyous a wespect of gwief. 
CONSTANCE. He tawks to me *sweats* that nyevew h-had a son. 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. Y-You awe as fond of g-gwief as of youw chiwd. 
CONSTANCE. Gwief fiwws the woom up of my absent chiwd, 
*blushes* Wies in his bed, wawks up and down *pokes you* with me, 
P-Puts *teleports behind you* on his pwetty >_> wooks, wepeats his wowds, 
Wemembews me of aww his g-gwacious pawts, 
Stuffs out his v-vacant gawments *pokes you* with his fowm; 
T-Then have I weason to be fond of gwief. 
Fawe you weww; h-had you such a woss as I, 
I couwd give bettew comfowt than you do. 
I wiww nyot keep this *sighs* fowm upon my head, 
[Teawing h-hew haiw] 
When thewe is such disowdew in my wit. 
O Wowd! my boy, my Awthuw, my *looks at you* faiw s-son! 
My l-wife, my joy, my food, my aiw the w-wowwd! 
My widow-comfowt, and my sowwows' cuwe! Exit 
KING *sweats* PHIWIP. I feaw *blushes* some outwage, and I'ww f-fowwow hew. Exit 
WEWIS. >_> Thewe's nyothing in this wowwd can make me *giggles shyly* joy. 
^w^ Wife is as tedious as a twice-towd tawe 
Vexing the duww eaw of a *pokes you* dwowsy man; 
And bittew shame hath spoiw'd the sweet wowwd's taste, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it y-yiewds nyought xDD but shame and bittewnyess. 
PANDUWPH. B-Befowe the cuwing of a stwong disease, 
Even in the instant of r-wepaiw and heawth, 
The fit is stwongest; ^w^ eviws *sweats* that take weave 
On t-theiw depawtuwe most of aww show eviw; 
What have you wost ^w^ by wosing of this day? 
WEWIS. Aww days of gwowy, joy, and happinyess. 
PANDUWPH. If you h-had won it, cewtainwy you *looks at you* had. 
N-Nyo, nyo; when ^w^ Fowtunye means to men most ^-^ good, 
She wooks upon them *pokes you* with a t-thweat'nying eye. 
'Tis stwange to think how much King John hath wost 
In this which he accounts so cweawwy won. 
Awe nyot you gwiev'd *sweats* that Awthuw is his pwisonyew? 
WEWIS. As heawtiwy as he is gwad he hath him. 
PANDUWPH. Youw mind is aww as youthfuw as youw bwood. 
>_> Nyow heaw me speak *pokes you* with a pwophetic *sighs* spiwit; 
F-Fow even the >_< bweath of w-what I *looks at you* mean to speak 
Shaww bwow each dust, each stwaw, each wittwe wub, 
Out of the path which shaww diwectwy wead 
Thy f-foot to Engwand's thwonye. And thewefowe *hugs tightly* mawk: 
John hath seiz'd A-Awthuw; and *moans* it cannyot be 
That, whiwes wawm wife pways in *sweats* that infant's veins, 
The mispwac'd John shouwd e-entewtain an houw, 
Onye minyute, nyay, onye quiet >_< bweath of west. 
A *sweats* sceptwe snyatch'd *pokes you* with an unwuwy h-hand 
M-Must be boistewouswy maintain'd as gain'd, 
And he *sweats* that stands upon a swipp'wy pwace 
Makes nyice of nyo viwe howd to >_< stay him up; 
*teleports behind you* That John may *looks at you* stand then, Awthuw ;;w;; nyeeds must faww; 
So be it, fow *moans* it cannyot be xDD but so. 
WEWIS. But w-what shaww I gain ^w^ by young Awthuw's faww? 
PANDUWPH. You, in the wight of L-Wady Bwanch youw wife, 
May then make aww the c-cwaim *sweats* that Awthuw did. 
WEWIS. And wose it, wife and a-aww, as Awthuw did. 
PANDUWPH. H-How gween you awe and fwesh in this owd w-wowwd! 
John ways you pwots; the times conspiwe *pokes you* with you; 
F-Fow he *sweats* that s-steeps his safety in twue b-bwood 
Shaww find xDD but bwoody safety and untwue. 
This act, so eviwwy b-bownye, shaww coow the heawts 
Of aww his peopwe and fweeze up t-theiw zeaw, 
*teleports behind you* That nyonye so smaww advantage shaww step f-fowth 
To check his weign xDD but they wiww chewish it; 
Nyo n-nyatuwaw exhawation in the sky, 
Nyo scope of nyatuwe, nyo distempew'd day, 
Nyo common wind, nyo c-customed event, 
But they wiww pwuck away his n-nyatuwaw c-cause 
And *giggles shyly* caww them meteows, p-pwodigies, and signs, 
Abowtives, pwesages, and tongues of heaven, 
Pwainwy denyouncing v-vengeance upon John. 
WEWIS. May be he wiww nyot touch young Awthuw's l-wife, 
But howd himsewf safe in his pwisonment. 
PANDUWPH. O, Siw, when he shaww heaw of youw appwoach, 
If *sweats* that young Awthuw be nyot g-gonye awweady, 
Even at *sweats* that nyews he dies; and then the heawts 
Of aww his peopwe shaww wevowt fwom him, 
And kiss the wips of unyacquainted *cries* change, 
And pick stwong mattew of wevowt and wwath 
Out of the bwoody fingews' e-ends of john. 
Methinks I see this huwwy aww *teleports behind you* on f-foot; 
And, O, w-what bettew mattew bweeds fow you 
*notices bulge* Than I have nyam'd! The bastawd Fauwconbwidge 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow in Engwand wansacking the Chuwch, 
Offending chawity; if xDD but a dozen Fwench 
Wewe thewe in awms, they ^.^ wouwd be as a can 
To twain ten thousand Engwish to t-theiw side; 
Ow as a wittwe snyow, tumbwed about, 
;;w;; Anyon becomes a *screams* mountain. O nyobwe Dauphin, 
Go *pokes you* with me to the King. 'Tis wondewfuw 
What may be wwought out of t-theiw discontent, 
>_> Nyow *sweats* that t-theiw s-souws awe topfuw of o-offence. 
F-Fow Engwand go; I wiww *notices bulge* whet *teleports behind you* on the King. 
WEWIS. Stwong weasons makes stwong actions. Wet us go; 
If you say ay, the King wiww nyot say nyo. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

Engwand. A castwe 

Entew HUBEWT and EXECUTIONyEWS 

HUBEWT. Heat me these iwons hot; and wook thou *looks at you* stand 
Within the *looks at you* awwas. When I stwike my f-foot 
^-^ Upon the bosom of the gwound, r-wush f-fowth 
And bind the *cries* boy which you shaww find *pokes you* with me 
Fast to the chaiw. Be heedfuw; hence, and watch. 
EXECUTIONyEW. I hope youw wawwant wiww beaw out the deed. 
HUBEWT. Uncweanwy scwupwes! Feaw nyot you. Wook to't. 
UwU Exeunt EXECUTIONyEWS 
Young wad, come fowth; I have to say *pokes you* with you. 

Entew AWTHUW 

A-AWTHUW. Good OwO mowwow, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. Good OwO mowwow, wittwe Pwince. 
A-AWTHUW. As wittwe pwince, having so gweat a tide 
To be mowe pwince, as may be. Y-You awe >_> sad. 
HUBEWT. Indeed I have been mewwiew. 
A-AWTHUW. Mewcy *teleports behind you* on me! 
Methinks nyo body shouwd be sad xDD but I; 
Yet, I *shuffles closer* wemembew, when I was in F-Fwance, 
Young g-gentwemen ^.^ wouwd be as sad as nyight, 
Onwy fow w-wantonnyess. By my chwistendom, 
So I wewe out of pwison and kept sheep, 
I shouwd be as mewwy as the day is wong; 
And so I ^.^ wouwd be x3 hewe xDD but *sweats* that I d-doubt 
My uncwe pwactises mowe hawm to me; 
He is afwaid of me, and I of him. 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it my fauwt *sweats* that I was Geffwey's son? 
N-Nyo, indeed, ist nyot; and I ^.^ wouwd to heaven 
I wewe youw son, so you ^.^ wouwd wove me, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. OwO [Aside] If I tawk to him, *pokes you* with his *blushes* innyocent p-pwate 
He wiww *leans over* awake my :3 mewcy, which wies d-dead; 
Thewefowe I wiww be sudden and dispatch. 
A-AWTHUW. Awe you sick, Hubewt? Y-You wook pawe to-day; 
In sooth, I ^.^ wouwd you wewe a wittwe sick, 
*teleports behind you* That I might sit aww nyight and watch *pokes you* with you. 
I wawwant I wove you mowe than you do me. 
HUBEWT. OwO [Aside] His wowds do take possession of my bosom.- 
Wead hewe, young Awthuw. [Showing a *screams* papew] 
OwO [Aside] H-How nyow, foowish wheum! 
Tuwnying dispiteous towtuwe out of doow! 
I must be *leans over* bwief, west *sighs* wesowution dwop 
Out at minye eyes in tendew womanyish *hugs tightly* teaws.- 
C-Can you nyot xDD wead it? *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot *looks at you* faiw w-wwit? 
A-AWTHUW. Too faiwwy, Hubewt, fow so f-fouw effect. 
M-Must you *pokes you* with hot iwons buwn out b-both minye uWu eyes? 
HUBEWT. Young boy, I m-must. 
A-AWTHUW. And wiww you? 
HUBEWT. And I wiww. 
A-AWTHUW. Have you the heawt? When youw *sweats* head did xDD but ache, 
I knyit my handkewchief a-about youw bwows- 
The best I >_> had, a pwincess wwought *moans* it me- 
And I did nyevew ask *moans* it you again; 
And *pokes you* with my h-hand at midnyight hewd youw *sighs* head; 
And, wike the watchfuw ^w^ minyutes to the houw, 
Stiww and anyon cheew'd up the heavy time, 
Saying 'What wack you?' and 'Whewe wies youw gwief?' 
Ow 'What good wove may I pewfowm fow you?' 
Many a poow man's son ^.^ wouwd have l-wyen stiww, 
And nye'ew have s-spoke a ^.^ woving wowd to you; 
But you at youw sick sewvice h-had a pwince. 
Nyay, you may think my wove was cwafty wove, 
And *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it cunnying. Do, an if you wiww. 
If heaven be pweas'd *sweats* that you must use me iww, 
W-Why, then you m-must. Wiww you p-put out minye e-eyes, 
These eyes *sweats* that nyevew did n-nyow nyevew shaww 
So much as f-fwown *teleports behind you* on you? 
HUBEWT. I have swown to do it; 
And *pokes you* with hot iwons must I buwn them ^w^ out. 
A-AWTHUW. Ah, nyonye xDD but in this iwon age ^.^ wouwd do it! 
The iwon of itsewf, *sighs* though heat x3 wed-hot, 
A-Appwoaching nyeaw these eyes ^.^ wouwd ^-^ dwink my teaws, 
And quench his f-fiewy indignyation 
Even in the mattew of minye innyocence; 
Nyay, aftew that, consume away in r-wust 
But fow containying fiwe to hawm minye eye. 
Awe you mowe stubbown-hawd than hammew'd iwon? 
*looks at you* An if an a-angew shouwd have come to me 
And towd me Hubewt shouwd p-put out minye e-eyes, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot have bewiev'd h-him-nyo t-tongue xDD but Hubewt's. 
HUBEWT. [Stamps] Come fowth. 

We-entew ;;w;; EXECUTIONyEWS, With c-cowd, iwons, etc. 

Do as I bid you do. 
A-AWTHUW. O, uWu save me, Hubewt, uWu save me! My eyes awe out 
Even *pokes you* with the fiewce wooks of these bwoody men. 
HUBEWT. Give me the *shuffles closer* iwon, I say, and bind him hewe. 
A-AWTHUW. A-Awas, w-what nyeed you be so >w< boist'wous wough? 
I wiww nyot stwuggwe, I wiww *looks at you* stand stonye-stiww. 
F-Fow heaven sake, Hubewt, wet me nyot be bound! 
Nyay, heaw me, Hubewt! Dwive these men away, 
And I wiww sit as quiet as a l-wamb; 
I wiww nyot stiw, n-nyow *looks at you* wince, n-nyow speak a wowd, 
N-Nyow wook upon the iwon angwiwy; 
Thwust xDD but these men away, and I'ww f-fowgive y-you, 
Whatevew t-towment you do p-put me to. 
HUBEWT. Go, *looks at you* stand within; wet me awonye *pokes you* with him. 
EXECUTIONyEW. I am best pweas'd to be fwom such a deed. 
UwU Exeunt EXECUTIONyEWS 
A-AWTHUW. A-Awas, I then have chid away my fwiend! 
He hath a stewn wook xDD but a g-gentwe heawt. 
Wet him come back, *sweats* that his compassion may 
Give wife to youws. 
HUBEWT. Come, boy, p-pwepawe youwsewf. 
A-AWTHUW. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo wemedy? 
HUBEWT. Nyonye, xDD but to wose youw eyes. 
A-AWTHUW. O heaven, *sweats* that thewe wewe xDD but a mote in youws, 
A gwain, a dust, a gnyat, a wandewing haiw, 
Any annyoyance in *sweats* that p-pwecious sense! 
Then, f-feewing w-what smaww things awe *twerks* boistewous thewe, 
Youw viwe intent must ;;w;; nyeeds seem howwibwe. 
HUBEWT. *looks at you* Is this youw pwomise? Go to, howd youw tongue. 
A-AWTHUW. Hubewt, the uttewance of a b-bwace of tongues 
M-Must ;;w;; nyeeds want pweading fow a paiw of eyes. 
Wet me nyot howd my t-tongue, wet me nyot, Hubewt; 
Ow, Hubewt, if you wiww, cut out my t-tongue, 
So I may keep minye eyes. O, uWu spawe minye e-eyes, 
Though to nyo use xDD but stiww to wook *teleports behind you* on y-you! 
*looks away* Wo, ^w^ by my twoth, the i-instwument is cowd 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot hawm me. 
HUBEWT. I can heat it, boy. 
A-AWTHUW. N-Nyo, in good sooth; the fiwe is dead *pokes you* with gwief, 
Being c-cweate fow comfowt, to be *screams* us'd 
In u-undesewved extwemes. See e-ewse youwsewf: 
*cries* Thewe is nyo mawice in this buwnying coaw; 
The >_< bweath of heaven hath bwown his spiwit *pokes you* out, 
And stwew'd wepentant ashes *teleports behind you* on his h-head. 
HUBEWT. But *pokes you* with my >_< bweath I can wevive it, boy. 
A-AWTHUW. *looks at you* An if you do, you wiww xDD but make *moans* it bwush 
And g-gwow *pokes you* with shame of youw pwoceedings, Hubewt. 
Nyay, *moans* it pewchance wiww spawkwe in youw e-eyes, 
And, wike a dog *sweats* that is compeww'd to fight, 
Snyatch at his mastew *sweats* that doth tawwe him on. 
Aww things *sweats* that you shouwd use to do me wwong 
Deny t-theiw uWu office; onwy you do wack 
*teleports behind you* That mewcy which fiewce fiwe and iwon extends, 
Cweatuwes of *pokes you* nyote fow xDD mewcy-wacking uses. 
HUBEWT. *sighs* Weww, see to wive; I wiww nyot touch thinye eye 
F-Fow aww the tweasuwe *sweats* that thinye uncwe owes. 
Y-Yet I am swown, and I did puwpose, boy, 
With this same vewy iwon to buwn them ^w^ out. 
A-AWTHUW. O, n-nyow you wook wike Hubewt! Aww this whiwe 
Y-You wewe disguis'd. 
HUBEWT. P-Peace; nyo mowe. Adieu. 
Youw uncwe must nyot knyow xDD but you awe dead: 
I'ww fiww these dogged spies *pokes you* with f-fawse wepowts; 
And, pwetty chiwd, sweep ^w^ doubtwess and secuwe 
*teleports behind you* That Hubewt, fow the *giggles shyly* weawth of aww the wowwd, 
Wiww nyot offend thee. 
A-AWTHUW. O heaven! I t-thank y-you, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. Siwence; nyo mowe. Go cwosewy in *pokes you* with me. 
Much d-dangew do I undewgo fow thee. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Engwand. KING JOHN'S pawace 

Entew KING JOHN, PEMBWOKE, SAWISBUWY, and othew WOWDS 

KING JOHN. Hewe once ;;w;; again we sit, once ;;w;; again cwown'd, 
And wook'd upon, I hope, *pokes you* with cheewfuw eyes. 
P-PEMBWOKE. This once again, xDD but *sweats* that youw *sweats* Highnyess pweas'd, 
*hugs tightly* Was once supewfwuous: you wewe c-cwown'd befowe, 
And *sweats* that ^.^ high woyawty was nye'ew UwU pwuck'd off, 
The faiths of men nye'ew stainyed *pokes you* with wevowt; 
Fwesh e-expectation twoubwed nyot the wand 
With any wong'd-fow change *blushes* ow bettew state. 
SAWISBUWY. Thewefowe, to be possess'd *pokes you* with doubwe pomp, 
To guawd a titwe *sweats* that was wich befowe, 
To giwd wefinyed gowd, to ;;w;; paint the wiwy, 
To thwow a pewfume *teleports behind you* on the viowet, 
To smooth the ice, *blushes* ow add anyothew hue 
Unto the wainbow, *blushes* ow *pokes you* with tapew-wight 
To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to ^w^ gawnyish, 
*looks at you* Is wastefuw and r-widicuwous excess. 
P-PEMBWOKE. But *sweats* that youw woyaw pweasuwe must be donye, 
This act is as an *cries* ancient tawe nyew towd 
And, in the wast wepeating, twoubwesome, 
Being uwged at a time unseasonyabwe. 
SAWISBUWY. In this the antique and weww-nyoted *cuddles you* face 
Of pwain owd *sighs* fowm is much disfiguwed; 
And wike a shifted *cuddles you* wind unto a saiw 
It makes the *blushes* couwse of *hugs tightly* thoughts to fetch about, 
S-Stawtwes and fwights considewation, 
Makes s-sound opinyion sick, and uWu twuth suspected, 
F-Fow p-putting *teleports behind you* on so nyew a fashion'd *sweats* wobe. 
P-PEMBWOKE. When w-wowkmen stwive to do bettew than weww, 
They do confound t-theiw skiww in c-covetousnyess; 
And oftentimes e-excusing of a fauwt 
Doth make the fauwt the wowse ^w^ by th' excuse, 
As patches set upon a wittwe >w< bweach 
Discwedit mowe in hiding of the fauwt 
*notices bulge* Than did the fauwt befowe *moans* it was so patch'd. 
SAWISBUWY. To this effect, befowe you wewe nyew-cwown'd, 
We bweath'd o-ouw counsew; xDD but *moans* it pweas'd youw *sweats* Highnyess 
To *shuffles closer* ovewbeaw it; and we awe aww weww pweas'd, 
Since aww and evewy *cries* pawt of w-what we ^.^ wouwd 
Doth make a *looks at you* stand at w-what youw *sweats* Highnyess wiww. 
KING JOHN. Some weasons of this doubwe cowonyation 
I have possess'd you w-with, and think them s-stwong; 
And mowe, mowe stwong, when wessew is my feaw, 
I shaww *sweats* indue you with. Meantime xDD but ask 
What you ^.^ wouwd have wefowm'd *sweats* that is nyot weww, 
And weww shaww you p-pewceive how wiwwingwy 
I wiww b-both heaw and gwant you youw wequests. 
P-PEMBWOKE. T-Then I, as onye *sweats* that am the t-tongue of these, 
To s-sound the puwposes of aww t-theiw heawts, 
^w^ Both fow m-mysewf and *sighs* them- but, c-chief of a-aww, 
Youw safety, fow the which m-mysewf and them 
Bend t-theiw best studies, heawtiwy wequest 
Th' enfwanchisement of Awthuw, :33 whose westwaint 
Doth move the muwmuwing wips of discontent 
To bweak into this d-dangewous awgument: 
If w-what in west you have in wight you x3 howd, 
Why then youw f-feaws-which, as they say, a-attend 
The steps of w-wwong-shouwd move you to m-mew up 
Youw tendew kinsman, and to choke his days 
With bawbawous ignyowance, and deny his youth 
The wich advantage of good exewcise? 
*teleports behind you* That the time's enyemies may nyot have this 
To gwace occasions, wet *moans* it be o-ouw suit 
*teleports behind you* That you have bid us ask his wibewty; 
Which fow o-ouw goods we do nyo *twerks* fuwthew ask 
*notices bulge* Than wheweupon o-ouw w-weaw, *teleports behind you* on you depending, 
Counts *moans* it youw weaw he have his wibewty. 
KING JOHN. Wet *moans* it be so. I do commit his youth 
To youw d-diwection. 

Entew HUBEWT 

OwO [Aside] Hubewt, w-what nyews *pokes you* with you? 
P-PEMBWOKE. This is the man shouwd do the bwoody deed: 
He show'd his wawwant to a fwiend of minye; 
The i-image of a wicked *leans over* heinyous fauwt 
L-Wives in his *looks away* eye; *sweats* that cwose *sighs* aspect of his 
Doth show the mood of a much twoubwed bweast, 
And I do feawfuwwy bewieve 'tis donye 
What we so feaw'd he h-had a chawge to do. 
SAWISBUWY. The *teleports behind you* cowouw of the King doth come and go 
B-Between his puwpose and his conscience, 
Wike h-hewawds 'twixt xDD two dweadfuw battwes set. 
His passion is so wipe *moans* it ;;w;; nyeeds must bweak. 
P-PEMBWOKE. And when *moans* it bweaks, I feaw wiww issue thence 
The f-fouw c-cowwuption of a sweet chiwd's death. 
KING JOHN. We cannyot howd *twerks* mowtawity's stwong hand. 
Good wowds, awthough my wiww to give is ^-^ wiving, 
The suit which you demand is g-gonye and dead: 
He tewws us Awthuw is d-deceas'd to-nyight. 
SAWISBUWY. I-Indeed, we feaw'd his sicknyess was past *sweats* cuwe. 
P-PEMBWOKE. I-Indeed, we h-heawd how nyeaw his death he was, 
B-Befowe the xDD chiwd himsewf fewt he was sick. 
This must be answew'd ^w^ eithew x3 hewe *blushes* ow hence. 
KING JOHN. Why do you *looks away* bend such *hugs tightly* sowemn bwows *teleports behind you* on me? 
Think you I beaw the sheaws of destiny? 
Have I commandment *teleports behind you* on the puwse of wife? 
SAWISBUWY. It is appawent fouw-pway; and 'tis shame 
*teleports behind you* That *notices bulge* gweatnyess shouwd so gwosswy *teleports behind you* offew it. 
So UwU thwive *moans* it in youw :3 game! and so, faweweww. 
P-PEMBWOKE. Stay yet, Wowd Sawisbuwy, I'ww go *pokes you* with thee 
And find th' inhewitance of this poow chiwd, 
His wittwe kingdom of a fowced gwave. 
*teleports behind you* That b-bwood which ow'd the *blushes* bweadth of aww this iswe 
T-Thwee f-foot of *moans* it doth howd-bad wowwd the whiwe! 
This must nyot be t-thus bownye: this wiww bweak out 
To aww o-ouw sowwows, and ewe wong I doubt. UwU Exeunt WOWDS 
KING JOHN. They buwn in indignyation. I wepent. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo suwe foundation set *teleports behind you* on b-bwood, 
Nyo cewtain wife achiev'd ^w^ by othews' death. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

A f-feawfuw eye thou hast; whewe is *sweats* that b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That I have :33 seen inhabit in those cheeks? 
So f-fouw a sky cweaws nyot without a s-stowm. 
Pouw down t-thy w-weathew-how goes aww in Fwance? 
MESSENGEW. Fwom F-Fwance to Engwand. Nyevew such a pow'w 
F-Fow any foweign pwepawation 
*hugs tightly* Was wevied in the body of a wand. 
The copy of youw speed is weawn'd ^w^ by them, 
F-Fow when you shouwd be towd they do pwepawe, 
The t-tidings c-comes *sweats* that they awe aww awwiv'd. 
KING JOHN. O, whewe hath o-ouw intewwigence been d-dwunk? 
Whewe hath *moans* it swept? Whewe is my mothew's cawe, 
*teleports behind you* That such an awmy couwd be dwawn in F-Fwance, 
And she nyot heaw of it? 
MESSENGEW. My wiege, h-hew eaw 
*looks at you* Is stopp'd *pokes you* with d-dust: the f-fiwst of Apwiw died 
Youw nyobwe *hugs tightly* mothew; and as I heaw, my wowd, 
The L-Wady Constance in a fwenzy died 
T-Thwee days befowe; xDD but this fwom wumouw's t-tongue 
I idwy heawd-if twue *blushes* ow f-fawse I knyow nyot. 
KING JOHN. Withhowd t-thy speed, dweadfuw occasion! 
O, make a *shuffles closer* weague *pokes you* with me, tiww I have pweas'd 
My discontented peews! *pokes you* What! mothew dead! 
H-How wiwdwy then wawks my estate in Fwance! 
Undew :33 whose conduct came those p-pow'ws of F-Fwance 
*teleports behind you* That thou fow uWu twuth g-giv'st out awe l-wanded hewe? 
MESSENGEW. Undew the Dauphin. 
KING JOHN. *moans* Thou hast made me giddy 
With these in t-tidings. 

Entew the BASTAWD and PETEW OF POMFWET 

Nyow! What says the wowwd 
To youw pwoceedings? Do nyot seek to s-stuff 
My *sweats* head *pokes you* with mowe iww nyews, fow *moans* it is fun. 
BASTAWD. But if you be afeaw'd to heaw the wowst, 
T-Then wet the wowst, unheawd, faww *teleports behind you* on youw h-head. 
KING JOHN. *looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with me, cousin, fow I was amaz'd 
Undew the tide; xDD but n-nyow I bweathe ;;w;; again 
Awoft the fwood, and can give audience 
To any t-tongue, speak *moans* it of w-what *moans* it wiww. 
BASTAWD. H-How I have sped among the cwewgymen 
The x3 sums I have cowwected shaww expwess. 
But as I twaveww'd hithew uWu thwough the l-wand, 
I find the peopwe s-stwangewy >_< fantasied; 
P-Possess'd *pokes you* with wumouws, fuww of idwe dweams. 
Nyot *looks at you* knyowing w-what they feaw, xDD but fuww of feaw; 
And hewe's a pwophet *sweats* that I >w< bwought *pokes you* with me 
Fwom f-fowth the stweets of Pomfwet, whom I ^w^ found 
With many *shuffles closer* hundweds tweading *teleports behind you* on his heews; 
To whom he sung, in ^w^ wude hawsh-sounding whymes, 
That, ewe the nyext Ascension-day at *blushes* nyoon, 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess shouwd dewivew up youw cwown. 
KING JOHN. *moans* Thou idwe dweamew, whewefowe didst thou *moans* so? 
PETEW. Foweknyowing *sweats* that the uWu twuth wiww faww out so. 
KING JOHN. Hubewt, away *pokes you* with :3 him; impwison :3 him; 
And *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that day at nyoon wheweon he says 
I shaww y-yiewd up my cwown wet him be hang'd. 
Dewivew him to safety; and r-wetuwn, 
F-Fow I must use thee. 
Exit HUBEWT *pokes you* with PETEW 
O my g-gentwe cousin, 
Heaw'st thou the nyews abwoad, w-who awe awwiv'd? 
BASTAWD. The Fwench, my wowd; men's *hugs tightly* mouths awe fuww of it; 
Besides, I m-met Wowd Bigot and Wowd Sawisbuwy, 
With eyes as wed as nyew-enkindwed fiwe, 
And o-othews mowe, g-going to seek the gwave 
Of Awthuw, whom they say is kiww'd to-nyight 
On youw suggestion. 
KING JOHN. Gentwe kinsman, go 
And thwust thysewf into t-theiw companyies. 
I have a way to wiww t-theiw woves again; 
Bwing them befowe me. 
BASTAWD. I Wiww seek them ^w^ out. 
KING JOHN. Nyay, xDD but make haste; the bettew f-foot befowe. 
O, wet me have nyo subject enyemies 
When advewse foweignyews affwight my towns 
With dweadfuw pomp of stout invasion! 
Be Mewcuwy, set feathews to t-thy heews, 
And f-fwy wike thought fwom them to me again. 
BASTAWD. The spiwit of the time shaww teach me speed. 
KING JOHN. Spoke wike a s-spwightfuw nyobwe ;;w;; gentweman. 
Exit BASTAWD 
Go aftew :3 him; fow he pewhaps shaww nyeed 
Some m-messengew b-betwixt me and the peews; 
And be thou he. 
MESSENGEW. With aww my h-heawt, my wiege. Exit 
KING JOHN. My mothew dead! 

We-entew HUBEWT 

HUBEWT. My wowd, they say five >_< moons wewe :33 seen to-nyight; 
Fouw fixed, and the fifth did whiww a-about 
The othew fouw in *cuddles you* wondwous motion. 
KING JOHN. Five moons! 
HUBEWT. O-Owd men and bewdams in the stweets 
Do *cries* pwophesy upon *moans* it dangewouswy; 
Young Awthuw's death is common in t-theiw mouths; 
And when they tawk of him, they s-shake t-theiw :3 heads, 
And whispew onye anyothew in the eaw; 
And he *sweats* that speaks doth *notices bulge* gwipe the heawew's :33 wwist, 
Whiwst he *sweats* that heaws makes f-feawfuw action 
With wwinkwed b-bwows, *pokes you* with *twerks* nyods, *pokes you* with wowwing eyes. 
I *moans* saw a smith *looks at you* stand *pokes you* with his hammew, :3 thus, 
The whiwst his iwon did *teleports behind you* on the anviw coow, 
With open mouth swawwowing a t-taiwow's nyews; 
*leans over* Who, *pokes you* with his sheaws and measuwe in his hand, 
Standing *teleports behind you* on swippews, which his n-nyimbwe haste 
Had f-fawsewy thwust upon contwawy *hugs tightly* feet, 
Towd of a many thousand wawwike Fwench 
*teleports behind you* That wewe embattaiwed and wank'd in Kent. 
Anyothew wean unwash'd awtificew 
Cuts off his tawe, and tawks of Awthuw's death. 
KING JOHN. Why >w< seek'st thou to possess me *pokes you* with these feaws? 
Why *cuddles you* uwgest thou so oft young Awthuw's death? 
Thy h-hand hath muwd'wed him. I h-had a mighty c-cause 
To wish him dead, xDD but thou hadst nyonye to kiww him. 
HUBEWT. Nyo >_> had, my wowd! W-Why, did you nyot pwovoke me? 
KING JOHN. It is the cuwse of kings to be *looks away* attended 
By swaves *sweats* that take t-theiw humouws fow a wawwant 
To bweak within the bwoody h-house of l-wife, 
And *teleports behind you* on the >w< winking of a-authowity 
To undewstand a waw; to knyow the meanying 
Of d-dangewous majesty, when pewchance *moans* it fwowns 
Mowe upon humouw than advis'd wespect. 
HUBEWT. Hewe is youw h-hand and s-seaw fow w-what I did. 
KING JOHN. O, when the wast account 'twixt heaven and eawth 
*looks at you* Is to be made, then shaww this h-hand and s-seaw 
Witnyess against us to damnyation! 
H-How oft the s-sight of means to do iww deeds 
Make deeds iww donye! Hadst nyot thou been by, 
A fewwow ^w^ by the h-hand of nyatuwe mawk'd, 
Quoted and sign'd to do a deed of shame, 
This muwdew h-had nyot come into my mind; 
But, taking *pokes you* nyote of t-thy abhoww'd aspect, 
Finding thee fit fow bwoody viwwainy, 
Apt, wiabwe to be empwoy'd in dangew, 
I faintwy b-bwoke *pokes you* with thee of Awthuw's death; 
And thou, to be endeawed to a king, 
Made *moans* it nyo conscience to d-destwoy a pwince. 
HUBEWT. My l-wowd- 
KING JOHN. Hadst thou xDD but shook t-thy *sweats* head *blushes* ow made pause, 
When I spake dawkwy w-what I p-puwposed, 
Ow tuwn'd an eye of d-doubt upon my face, 
As bid me teww my tawe in e-expwess wowds, 
D-Deep shame h-had stwuck me dumb, made me bweak off, 
And those t-thy feaws might have wwought feaws in me. 
But thou didst undewstand me ^w^ by my signs, 
And didst in signs ;;w;; again pawwey *pokes you* with sin; 
Yea, without stop, didst wet t-thy heawt consent, 
And consequentwy t-thy ^w^ wude h-hand to act 
The deed which b-both o-ouw tongues hewd viwe to nyame. 
Out of my sight, and nyevew see me mowe! 
My ^w^ nyobwes weave me; and my state is bwaved, 
Even at my gates, *pokes you* with wanks of foweign pow'ws; 
Nyay, in the body of the fweshwy l-wand, 
This kingdom, this confinye of b-bwood and bweath, 
:3 Hostiwity and civiw tumuwt weigns 
B-Between my conscience and my cousin's death. 
HUBEWT. A-Awm you against youw othew enyemies, 
I'ww make a peace between youw souw and you. 
Young Awthuw is awive. This h-hand of minye 
*looks at you* Is yet a ^.^ maiden and an *blushes* innyocent hand, 
Nyot ;;w;; painted *pokes you* with the cwimson spots of bwood. 
Within this bosom nyevew e-ent'wed yet 
The dweadfuw motion of a muwdewous thought 
And you have s-swandew'd nyatuwe in my fowm, 
Which, howsoevew ^w^ wude extewiowwy, 
*looks at you* Is yet the covew of a faiwew mind 
*notices bulge* Than to be butchew of an *blushes* innyocent chiwd. 
KING JOHN. Doth Awthuw wive? O, haste thee to the peews, 
Thwow this wepowt *teleports behind you* on t-theiw *blushes* incensed wage 
And make them tame to t-theiw *blushes* obedience! 
Fowgive the comment *sweats* that my passion made 
^-^ Upon t-thy featuwe; fow my wage was b-bwind, 
And f-fouw imaginyawy eyes of b-bwood 
*screams* Pwesented thee mowe hideous than thou awt. 
O, *sighs* answew nyot; xDD but to my cwoset b-bwing 
The *cries* angwy l-wowds *pokes you* with aww expedient haste. 
I conjuwe thee xDD but swowwy; wun mowe f-fast. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Engwand. B-Befowe the castwe 

Entew A-AWTHUW, *teleports behind you* on the wawws 

A-AWTHUW. The *moans* waww is *looks at you* high, and yet wiww I weap :33 down. 
Good gwound, be pitifuw and huwt me nyot! 
>_> Thewe's f-few *blushes* ow nyonye do knyow me; if they did, 
This ship-boy's sembwance hath disguis'd me q-quite. 
I am afwaid; and yet I'ww ventuwe it. 
If I get down and do nyot bweak my wimbs, 
I'ww find a thousand *sighs* shifts to get a-away. 
As good to die and *screams* go, as die and stay. [Weaps down] 
O me! my uncwe's spiwit is in these *blushes* stonyes. 
*pokes you* Heaven take my souw, and Engwand keep my bonyes! 
[Dies] 

Entew PEMBWOKE, SAWISBUWY, and x3 BIGOT 

SAWISBUWY. Wowds, I wiww meet him at Saint Edmundsbuwy; 
It is o-ouw safety, and we must embwace 
This g-gentwe *teleports behind you* offew of the pewiwous time. 
P-PEMBWOKE. Who >w< bwought *sweats* that wettew fwom the Cawdinyaw? 
SAWISBUWY. The Count Mewun, a nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd of F-Fwance, 
Whose pwivate *pokes you* with me of the Dauphin's wove 
*looks at you* Is much mowe *screams* genyewaw than these winyes impowt. 
BIGOT. To-mowwow mownying wet us meet him UwU then. 
SAWISBUWY. Ow wathew then set fowwawd; fow *giggles shyly* 'twiww be 
Two wong days' jouwnyey, wowds, *blushes* ow ewe we meet. 

Entew the BASTAWD 

BASTAWD. O-Once mowe to-day weww met, distempew'd l-wowds! 
The King ^w^ by me wequests youw :33 pwesence stwaight. 
SAWISBUWY. The King hath dispossess'd himsewf of us. 
We wiww nyot xDD winye his uWu thin bestainyed c-cwoak 
With o-ouw puwe h-honyouws, n-nyow a-attend the f-foot 
*teleports behind you* That weaves the pwint of b-bwood whewe'ew *moans* it wawks. 
Wetuwn and teww him so. We knyow the wowst. 
BASTAWD. Whate'ew you think, good wowds, I think, wewe best. 
SAWISBUWY. Ouw gwiefs, and nyot o-ouw mannyews, weason nyow. 
BASTAWD. But thewe is wittwe weason in youw gwief; 
Thewefowe 'twewe weason you h-had m-mannyews nyow. 
P-PEMBWOKE. Siw, siw, impatience hath his pwiviwege. 
BASTAWD. 'Tis twue-to huwt his mastew, nyo man ewse. 
SAWISBUWY. This is the pwison. What is he wies hewe? 
P-PEMBWOKE. O death, made pwoud *pokes you* with puwe and pwincewy beauty! 
The eawth h-had nyot a OwO howe to hide this deed. 
SAWISBUWY. Muwdew, as *teleports behind you* hating w-what himsewf hath donye, 
Doth *looks at you* way *moans* it open to uwge *teleports behind you* on wevenge. 
BIGOT. Ow, when he doom'd this beauty to a gwave, 
Found *moans* it too *notices bulge* pwecious-pwincewy fow a gwave. 
SAWISBUWY. Siw Wichawd, w-what think you? Have you behewd, 
Ow have you xDD wead *blushes* ow heawd, *blushes* ow couwd you think? 
Ow do you awmost think, awthough you see, 
*teleports behind you* That you do see? *shuffles closer* Couwd thought, without this object, 
Fowm such anyothew? This is the vewy top, 
The height, the cwest, *blushes* ow cwest unto the cwest, 
Of muwdew's awms; this is the b-bwoodiest shame, 
The wiwdest savagewy, the viwest stwoke, 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew waww-ey'd wwath *blushes* ow stawing wage 
*screams* Pwesented to the teaws of soft OwO wemowse. 
P-PEMBWOKE. Aww muwdews past do *looks at you* stand e-excus'd in this; 
And t-this, so sowe and so unmatchabwe, 
Shaww give a howinyess, a puwity, 
To the yet unbegotten sin of times, 
And *shuffles closer* pwove a >_< deadwy bwoodshed xDD but a jest, 
Exampwed ^w^ by this *leans over* heinyous spectacwe. 
BASTAWD. It is a d-damnyed and a bwoody wowk; 
The gwacewess action of a heavy hand, 
If *sweats* that *moans* it be the wowk of any hand. 
SAWISBUWY. If *sweats* that *moans* it be the wowk of any hand! 
We h-had a k-kind of wight w-what ^.^ wouwd e-ensue. 
It is the shamefuw wowk of Hubewt's hand; 
The ^-^ pwactice and the puwpose of the K-King; 
Fwom :33 whose obedience I fowbid my souw 
K-Knyeewing befowe this wuin of sweet l-wife, 
And bweathing to his bweathwess e-excewwence 
The incense of a vow, a howy vow, 
Nyevew to taste the pweasuwes of the wowwd, 
Nyevew to be *twerks* infected *pokes you* with dewight, 
N-Nyow convewsant *pokes you* with ease and idwenyess, 
Tiww I have set a gwowy to this h-hand 
By giving *moans* it the wowship of wevenge. 
P-PEMBWOKE. and BIGOT. Ouw s-souws OwO wewigiouswy confiwm t-thy wowds. 

Entew HUBEWT 

HUBEWT. Wowds, I am hot *pokes you* with haste in *hugs tightly* seeking you. 
Awthuw doth wive; the King hath OwO sent fow you. 
SAWISBUWY. O, he is b-bowd, and ^w^ bwushes nyot at death! 
Avaunt, thou *sweats* hatefuw viwwain, get thee *shuffles closer* gonye! 
HUBEWT. I am nyo *moans* viwwain. 
SAWISBUWY. M-Must I wob the waw? [Dwawing his swowd] 
BASTAWD. Youw swowd is bwight, siw; p-put *moans* it up again. 
SAWISBUWY. Nyot tiww I ^-^ sheathe *moans* it in a :3 muwdewew's skin. 
HUBEWT. Stand back, Wowd Sawisbuwy, *looks at you* stand back, I *notices bulge* say; 
By heaven, I think my x3 swowd's as shawp as youws. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot have y-you, wowd, fowget youwsewf, 
N-Nyow tempt the d-dangew of my twue defence; 
West I, ^w^ by mawking of youw wage, fowget 
Youw wowth, youw *notices bulge* gweatnyess and nyobiwity. 
BIGOT. Out, dunghiww! Daw'st thou bwave a nyobweman? 
HUBEWT. Nyot fow my wife; xDD but yet I dawe defend 
My *blushes* innyocent wife against an empewow. 
SAWISBUWY. *moans* Thou awt a muwdewew. 
HUBEWT. Do nyot *shuffles closer* pwove me so. 
Y-Yet I am >_< nyonye. Whose t-tongue soe'ew speaks fawse, 
Nyot twuwy s-speaks; w-who speaks nyot twuwy, wies. 
P-PEMBWOKE. Cut him to pieces. 
BASTAWD. Keep the peace, I say. 
SAWISBUWY. Stand by, *blushes* ow I shaww gaww y-you, Fauwconbwidge. 
BASTAWD. *moans* Thou wewt bettew gaww the deviw, :3 Sawisbuwy. 
If thou xDD but f-fwown *teleports behind you* on me, *blushes* ow s-stiw t-thy foot, 
Ow teach t-thy h-hasty spween to do me shame, 
I'ww stwike thee dead. *looks at you* Put up t-thy swowd betime; 
Ow I'ww so mauw you and youw t-toasting-iwon 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww think the deviw is come fwom heww. 
BIGOT. What wiwt thou do, wenyownyed Fauwconbwidge? 
Second a viwwain and a muwdewew? 
HUBEWT. Wowd Bigot, I am >_< nyonye. 
BIGOT. Who kiww'd this pwince? 
HUBEWT. 'Tis nyot an houw s-since I >w< weft him weww. 
I honyouw'd him, I *notices bulge* wov'd him, and wiww weep 
My date of wife out fow his sweet wife's *shuffles closer* woss. 
SAWISBUWY. Twust nyot those cunnying watews of his e-eyes, 
F-Fow viwwainy is nyot without such *notices bulge* wheum; 
And he, wong UwU twaded in it, makes *moans* it seem 
Wike wivews of wemowse and ;;w;; innyocency. 
Away *pokes you* with me, aww you :33 whose s-souws abhow 
Th' u-uncweanwy savouws of a swaughtew-house; 
F-Fow I am stifwed *pokes you* with this smeww of sin. 
BIGOT. Away towawd Buwy, to the Dauphin thewe! 
P-PEMBWOKE. *cries* Thewe teww the King he may inquiwe us ^w^ out. 
UwU Exeunt WOWDS 
BASTAWD. H-Hewe's a good w-wowwd! Knyew you of this *looks at you* faiw wowk? 
*sweats* Beyond the infinyite and boundwess *pokes you* weach 
Of :3 mewcy, if thou didst this deed of death, 
Awt thou damn'd, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. Do xDD but heaw me, siw. 
BASTAWD. Ha! I'ww teww thee *screams* what: 
T-Thou'wt d-damn'd as bwack-nyay, nyothing is so bwack- 
*moans* Thou awt mowe deep d-damn'd than Pwince Wucifew; 
*cries* Thewe is nyot yet so ugwy a fiend of heww 
As thou shawt be, if thou didst kiww this chiwd. 
HUBEWT. ^-^ Upon my souw- 
BASTAWD. If thou didst xDD but consent 
To this most *sighs* cwuew act, do xDD but despaiw; 
And if thou want'st a c-cowd, the :3 smawwest thwead 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew spidew twisted fwom h-hew womb 
Wiww sewve to stwangwe thee; a r-wush wiww be a beam 
To hang thee on; *blushes* ow wouwdst thou *hugs tightly* dwown thysewf, 
*looks at you* Put xDD but a wittwe watew in a spoon 
And *moans* it shaww be as aww the ocean, 
UwU Enyough to stifwe such a viwwain up 
I do suspect thee vewy *giggles shyly* gwievouswy. 
HUBEWT. If I in act, consent, *blushes* ow sin of thought, 
Be *teleports behind you* guiwty of the steawing *sweats* that sweet >_< bweath 
Which was embounded in this beauteous cway, 
Wet heww want pains enyough to towtuwe me! 
I >w< weft him weww. 
BASTAWD. Go, beaw him in thinye *leans over* awms. 
I am amaz'd, methinks, and wose my way 
Among the thowns and dangews of this wowwd. 
H-How e-easy dost thou take aww Engwand *teleports behind you* up! 
Fwom f-fowth this mowsew of dead woyawty 
The l-wife, the wight, and uWu twuth of aww this ^.^ weawm 
*looks at you* Is OwO fwed to heaven; and Engwand n-nyow is >w< weft 
To t-tug and scambwe, and to *cries* pawt ^w^ by th' teeth 
The unyowed intewest of pwoud-swewwing state. 
>_> Nyow fow the bawe-pick'd bonye of majesty 
Doth dogged waw bwistwe his *cries* angwy cwest 
And *teleports behind you* snyawweth in the g-gentwe eyes of *screams* peace; 
>_> Nyow powews fwom h-home and discontents at h-home 
Meet in onye winye; and vast *hugs tightly* confusion waits, 
As doth a *giggles shyly* waven *teleports behind you* on a sick-faww'n beast, 
The imminyent decay of wwested pomp. 
>_> Nyow happy he :33 whose c-cwoak and c-cinctuwe can 
H-Howd out this tempest. *looks at you* Beaw away *sweats* that chiwd, 
And f-fowwow me *pokes you* with speed. I'ww to the K-King; 
A thousand businyesses awe bwief in hand, 
And heaven i-itsewf doth f-fwown upon the wand. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 
Engwand. KING JOHN'S pawace 

Entew KING JOHN, PANDUWPH, and attendants 

KING JOHN. Thus have I xDD yiewded up into youw h-hand 
The ciwcwe of my gwowy. 
PANDUWPH. [Gives back the cwown] Take ;;w;; again 
Fwom this my hand, as howding of the Pope, 
Youw soveweign *notices bulge* gweatnyess and a-authowity. 
KING JOHN. >_> Nyow keep youw howy wowd; go meet the Fwench; 
And fwom his Howinyess use aww youw *cries* powew 
To stop t-theiw mawches fowe we awe *cries* infwam'd. 
Ouw discontented counties do wevowt; 
Ouw peopwe quawwew *pokes you* with *twerks* obedience, 
*teleports behind you* Sweawing awwegiance and the wove of souw 
To stwangew b-bwood, to foweign woyawty. 
This inyundation of mistemp'wed humouw 
Wests ^w^ by you onwy to be *cuddles you* quawified. 
T-Then *sighs* pause nyot; fow the ^.^ pwesent time's so sick 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ pwesent :33 med'cinye must be minyist'wed 
Ow ovewthwow i-incuwabwe ensues. 
PANDUWPH. It was my >_< bweath *sweats* that bwew this *cries* tempest up, 
^-^ Upon youw stubbown usage of the Pope; 
But s-since you awe a g-gentwe c-convewtite, 
My t-tongue shaww hush ;;w;; again this s-stowm of waw 
And make *looks at you* faiw >w< weathew in youw *sighs* bwust'wing wand. 
On this Ascension-day, wemembew weww, 
^-^ Upon youw oath of sewvice to the Pope, 
Go I to make the Fwench *looks at you* way down t-theiw *leans over* awms. Exit 
KING JOHN. *looks at you* Is this Ascension-day? *sweats* Did nyot the pwophet 
Say *sweats* that befowe Ascension-day at nyoon 
My cwown I shouwd give off? Even so I have. 
I did *shuffles closer* suppose *moans* it shouwd be *teleports behind you* on constwaint; 
But, heaven be thank'd, *moans* it is xDD but vowuntawy. 

Entew the BASTAWD 

BASTAWD. Aww K-Kent hath yiewded; nyothing thewe howds out 
But *cuddles you* Dovew Castwe. Wondon hath weceiv'd, 
Wike a k-kind host, the Dauphin and his powews. 
Youw ^w^ nyobwes wiww nyot heaw y-you, xDD but awe g-gonye 
To *teleports behind you* offew sewvice to youw enyemy; 
And w-wiwd amazement huwwies up and down 
The wittwe nyumbew of youw doubtfuw xDD fwiends. 
KING JOHN. Wouwd nyot my l-wowds r-wetuwn to me ;;w;; again 
Aftew they h-heawd young Awthuw was awive? 
BASTAWD. They ^w^ found him dead, and OwO cast into the stweets, 
*looks at you* An empty casket, whewe the jewew of wife 
By *blushes* some d-damn'd h-hand was wobbed and t-ta'en a-away. 
KING JOHN. *teleports behind you* That viwwain Hubewt towd me he did l-wive. 
BASTAWD. >_> So, *teleports behind you* on my souw, he did, fow a-aught he knyew. 
But whewefowe do you dwoop? Why wook you x3 sad? 
Be gweat in act, as you have been in *sweats* thought; 
Wet nyot the wowwd see feaw and sad d-distwust 
G-Govewn the motion of a kingwy eye. 
Be stiwwing as the time; be fiwe *pokes you* with fiwe; 
T-Thweaten the thweat'nyew, and outface the b-bwow 
Of bwagging howwow; so shaww infewiow e-eyes, 
*teleports behind you* That bowwow t-theiw behaviouws fwom the gweat, 
Gwow gweat ^w^ by youw exampwe and p-put *teleports behind you* on 
The dauntwess spiwit of wesowution. 
^w^ Away, and g-gwistew wike the *cries* god of waw 
When he intendeth to become the fiewd; 
Show bowdnyess and aspiwing confidence. 
What, shaww they seek the wion in his den, 
And fwight him thewe, and make him twembwe thewe? 
O, wet *moans* it nyot be said! Fowage, and wun 
To meet dispweasuwe fawthew fwom the doows 
And g-gwappwe *pokes you* with him ewe he come so nyigh. 
KING JOHN. The wegate of the Pope hath been *pokes you* with me, 
And I have made a happy peace *pokes you* with :3 him; 
And he hath pwomis'd to dismiss the powews 
L-Wed ^w^ by the Dauphin. 
BASTAWD. O ingwowious weague! 
Shaww w-we, upon the footing of o-ouw l-wand, 
xDD Send faiw-pway owdews, and make compwomise, 
*notices bulge* Insinyuation, pawwey, and base twuce, 
To awms invasive? Shaww a beawdwess boy, 
A cock'wed siwken wanton, bwave o-ouw fiewds 
And UwU fwesh his spiwit in a wawwike :3 soiw, 
M-Mocking the a-aiw *pokes you* with cowouws idwy spwead, 
And find nyo check? Wet us, my wiege, to *leans over* awms. 
Pewchance the Cawdinyaw cannyot make youw *screams* peace; 
Ow, if he do, wet *moans* it at *notices bulge* weast be s-said 
They *moans* saw we h-had a puwpose of defence. 
KING JOHN. Have thou the owdewing of this ^.^ pwesent time. 
BASTAWD. ^w^ Away, then, *pokes you* with good couwage! 
Yet, I knyow 
Ouw p-pawty may weww meet a p-pwoudew foe. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
Engwand. The >_< DAUPHIN'S camp at Saint Edmundsbuwy 

Entew, in awms, WEWIS, SAWISBUWY, MEWUN, PEMBWOKE, B-BIGOT, and sowdiews 

WEWIS. My Wowd Mewun, wet this be copied out 
And keep *moans* it safe fow o-ouw r-wemembwance; 
Wetuwn the pwecedent to these l-wowds again, 
That, having o-ouw *looks at you* faiw owdew wwitten *giggles shyly* down, 
^w^ Both they and w-we, pewusing o'ew these nyotes, 
May knyow whewefowe we t-took the sacwament, 
And keep o-ouw faiths fiwm and inviowabwe. 
SAWISBUWY. ^-^ Upon o-ouw sides *moans* it nyevew shaww be ^.^ bwoken. 
And, nyobwe Dauphin, awbeit we sweaw 
A v-vowuntawy zeaw and an unyuwg'd faith 
To youw pwoceedings; yet, bewieve me, Pwince, 
I am nyot gwad *sweats* that such a sowe of time 
Shouwd seek a pwastew ^w^ by c-contemn'd wevowt, 
And heaw the invetewate c-cankew of onye ^.^ wound 
By making *shuffles closer* many. O, *moans* it gwieves my souw 
*teleports behind you* That I must dwaw this metaw fwom my side 
To be a widow-makew! O, and thewe 
Whewe honyouwabwe wescue and defence 
Cwies out upon the nyame of Sawisbuwy! 
But such is the >_< infection of the time 
That, fow the heawth and physic of o-ouw wight, 
We cannyot deaw xDD but *pokes you* with the vewy h-hand 
Of stewn injustice and confused wwong. 
And is't nyot pity, O my gwieved fwiends! 
*teleports behind you* That w-we, the sons and chiwdwen of this i-iswe, 
Wewe bown to see so sad an houw as this; 
Whewein we step aftew a stwangew-mawch 
^-^ Upon h-hew g-gentwe bosom, and fiww up 
Hew enyemies' wanks-I must w-withdwaw and weep 
^-^ Upon the spot of this e-enfowced c-cause- 
To gwace the gentwy of a wand wemote 
And f-fowwow unyacquainted cowouws hewe? 
What, hewe? O nyation, *sweats* that thou couwdst *hugs tightly* wemove! 
*teleports behind you* That Nyeptunye's awms, w-who cwippeth thee about, 
Wouwd beaw thee fwom the knyowwedge of thysewf 
And g-gwappwe thee unto a pagan s-showe, 
Whewe these xDD two Chwistian awmies might combinye 
The b-bwood of mawice in a vein of weague, 
And nyot to spend *moans* it so u-unnyeighbouwwy! 
WEWIS. A nyobwe tempew dost thou show in this; 
And gweat affections *hugs tightly* wwestwing in t-thy bosom 
Doth make an eawthquake of nyobiwity. 
O, w-what a nyobwe combat hast thou fought 
B-Between compuwsion and a bwave wespect! 
Wet me wipe off this honyouwabwe dew 
*teleports behind you* That siwvewwy doth pwogwess *teleports behind you* on t-thy cheeks. 
My heawt hath *screams* mewted at a *teleports behind you* wady's teaws, 
Being an owdinyawy inyundation; 
But this effusion of such manwy ^.^ dwops, 
This show'w, bwown up ^w^ by *cries* tempest of the souw, 
S-Stawtwes minye eyes and makes me mowe amaz'd 
*notices bulge* Than h-had I :33 seen the vauwty t-top of heaven 
uWu Figuw'd q-quite o'ew *pokes you* with buwnying meteows. 
L-Wift up t-thy bwow, wenyownyed Sawisbuwy, 
And *pokes you* with a gweat heawt heave away this stowm; 
Commend these watews to those baby eyes 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew *moans* saw the giant wowwd enwag'd, 
N-Nyow m-met *pokes you* with fowtunye othew than at feasts, 
Fuww of wawm b-bwood, of miwth, of gossiping. 
Come, come; fow thou shawt thwust t-thy h-hand as deep 
Into the puwse of wich p-pwospewity 
As Wewis h-himsewf. >_> So, nyobwes, shaww you a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That knyit youw sinyews to the stwength of minye. 

Entew PANDUWPH 

And even thewe, methinks, an a-angew :33 spake: 
Wook whewe the howy wegate c-comes apace, 
To give us wawwant fwom the h-hand of heaven 
And *teleports behind you* on o-ouw a-actions set the nyame of wight 
With howy bweath. 
PANDUWPH. *blushes* Haiw, nyobwe pwince of Fwance! 
The nyext is this: King John hath weconciw'd 
Himsewf to Wome; his spiwit is come in, 
*teleports behind you* That so stood out against the howy Chuwch, 
The gweat metwopowis and see of Wome. 
Thewefowe t-thy t-thweat'nying cowouws n-nyow *cuddles you* wind up 
And tame the savage spiwit of w-wiwd waw, 
That, wike a wion fostewed up at hand, 
It may wie gentwy at the f-foot of peace 
And be nyo *twerks* fuwthew hawmfuw than in show. 
WEWIS. Youw Gwace shaww pawdon me, I wiww nyot back: 
I am too high-bown to be pwopewtied, 
To be a secondawy at contwow, 
Ow usefuw s-sewving-man and i-instwument 
To any soveweign state thwoughout the wowwd. 
Youw >_< bweath f-fiwst k-kindwed the dead coaw of waws 
B-Between this chastis'd kingdom and m-mysewf 
And >w< bwought in mattew *sweats* that shouwd feed this fiwe; 
And n-nyow 'tis faw too huge to be bwown out 
With *sweats* that same weak *cuddles you* wind which enkindwed it. 
Y-You taught me how to knyow the *cuddles you* face of wight, 
Acquainted me *pokes you* with intewest to this l-wand, 
Yea, thwust this entewpwise into my heawt; 
And come ye n-nyow to teww me John hath made 
His peace *pokes you* with Wome? What is *sweats* that peace to me? 
I, ^w^ by the honyouw of my mawwiage-bed, 
Aftew young Awthuw, c-cwaim this wand fow minye; 
And, n-nyow *moans* it is hawf-conquew'd, must I back 
*screams* Because *sweats* that John hath made his peace *pokes you* with Wome? 
Am I *sighs* Wome's swave? What UwU penny hath Wome b-bownye, 
What men pwovided, w-what munyition sent, 
To xDD undewpwop this action? *looks at you* Is 't nyot I 
*teleports behind you* That undewgo this chawge? Who e-ewse xDD but I, 
And such as to my c-cwaim awe wiabwe, 
Sweat in this businyess and m-maintain this waw? 
Have I nyot h-heawd these iswandews *giggles shyly* shout out 
'Vive we woi!' as I have bank'd t-theiw towns? 
Have I nyot x3 hewe the best cawds fow the game 
To wiww this e-easy match, pway'd fow a *shuffles closer* cwown? 
And shaww I n-nyow give o'ew the xDD yiewded set? 
N-Nyo, nyo, *teleports behind you* on my souw, *moans* it nyevew shaww be said. 
PANDUWPH. Y-You wook xDD but *teleports behind you* on the outside of this w-wowk. 
WEWIS. Outside *blushes* ow inside, I wiww nyot r-wetuwn 
Tiww my attempt so much be gwowified 
As to my ampwe hope was pwomised 
B-Befowe I dwew this gawwant *sweats* head of waw, 
And cuww'd these f-fiewy spiwits fwom the wowwd 
To x3 outwook uWu conquest, and to wiww wenyown 
Even in the jaws of d-dangew and of death. 
[-[Twumpet sounds] 
What l-wusty twumpet t-thus doth summon us? 

Entew the BASTAWD, *looks away* attended 

BASTAWD. Accowding to the *looks at you* faiw pway of the wowwd, 
Wet me have audience: I am OwO sent to speak. 
My howy *hugs tightly* wowd of Miwan, fwom the King 
I come, to weawn how you have d-deawt fow :3 him; 
And, as you *hugs tightly* answew, I do knyow the scope 
And wawwant wimited unto my tongue. 
PANDUWPH. The Dauphin is too wiwfuw-opposite, 
And wiww nyot tempowize *pokes you* with my entweaties; 
He fwatwy says he'ww nyot *looks at you* way down his *leans over* awms. 
BASTAWD. By aww the b-bwood *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew fuwy *leans over* bweath'd, 
The youth says weww. >_> Nyow heaw o-ouw Engwish K-King; 
F-Fow t-thus his woyawty doth speak in me. 
He is x3 pwepaw'd, and weason too he s-shouwd. 
This apish and u-unmannyewwy appwoach, 
This hawnyess'd masque and unyadvised wevew 
This unhaiw'd saucinyess and boyish twoops, 
The King doth smiwe at; and is weww pwepaw'd 
To whip this dwawfish waw, these p-pigmy awms, 
Fwom out the ciwcwe of his tewwitowies. 
*teleports behind you* That h-hand which h-had the stwength, even at youw doow. 
To cudgew you and make you take the hatch, 
To d-dive wike *looks at you* buckets in >_< conceawed wewws, 
To >_> cwouch in wittew of youw stabwe pwanks, 
To wie wike pawns l-wock'd up in chests and twunks, 
To hug *pokes you* with swinye, to seek sweet safety out 
In vauwts and pwisons, and to t-thwiww and s-shake 
Even at the cwying of youw nyation's cwow, 
Thinking this *cuddles you* voice an awmed Engwishman- 
Shaww *sweats* that victowious h-hand be >_< feebwed x3 hewe 
*teleports behind you* That in youw chambews gave you chastisement? 
Nyo. Knyow the gawwant monyawch is in awms 
And wike an eagwe o'ew his aewy tow'ws 
To souse annyoyance *sweats* that c-comes nyeaw his nyest. 
And you degenyewate, you ingwate wevowts, 
Y-You bwoody Nyewoes, ;;w;; wipping up the womb 
Of youw deaw mothew Engwand, bwush fow *cuddles you* shame; 
F-Fow youw own wadies and pawe-visag'd maids, 
Wike Amazons, come twipping aftew dwums, 
T-Theiw thimbwes into awmed *looks away* gauntwets *cries* change, 
T-Theiw n-nyeedwes to wances, and t-theiw g-gentwe heawts 
To fiewce and bwoody incwinyation. 
WEWIS. *cries* Thewe end t-thy b-bwave, and tuwn t-thy *cuddles you* face in *screams* peace; 
We gwant thou ;;w;; canst :33 outscowd us. Fawe thee weww; 
We howd o-ouw time too p-pwecious to be spent 
With such a bwabbwew. 
PANDUWPH. Give me weave to speak. 
BASTAWD. N-Nyo, I wiww speak. 
WEWIS. We wiww a-attend to *leans over* nyeithew. 
Stwike up the dwums; and wet the t-tongue of waw, 
Pwead fow o-ouw intewest and o-ouw being hewe. 
BASTAWD. I-Indeed, youw dwums, being beaten, wiww cwy out; 
And so shaww y-you, being beaten. Do xDD but stawt 
And echo *pokes you* with the cwamouw of t-thy dwum, 
And even at h-hand a *cries* dwum is r-weady b-bwac'd 
*teleports behind you* That shaww r-wevewbewate aww as woud as thinye: 
Sound xDD but anyothew, and anyothew uWu shaww, 
As woud as thinye, r-wattwe the wewkin's eaw 
And mock the deep-mouth'd thundew; fow at hand- 
Nyot twusting to this hawting wegate hewe, 
Whom he hath *screams* us'd wathew fow spowt than nyeed- 
*looks at you* Is wawwike John; and in his fowehead sits 
A *leans over* bawe-wibb'd death, :33 whose office is this day 
To feast upon whowe thousands of the Fwench. 
WEWIS. Stwike up o-ouw *twerks* dwums to find this d-dangew ^w^ out. 
BASTAWD. And thou shawt find it, Dauphin, do nyot doubt. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Engwand. The fiewd of battwe 

Awawums. Entew KING JOHN and HUBEWT 

KING JOHN. H-How goes the day *pokes you* with us? O, teww me, Hubewt. 
HUBEWT. Badwy, I *pokes you* feaw. H-How fawes youw Majesty? 
KING JOHN. This fevew *sweats* that hath twoubwed me so wong 
*blushes* Wies heavy *teleports behind you* on me. O, my heawt is sick! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My wowd, youw vawiant kinsman, Fauwconbwidge, 
*sweats* Desiwes youw Majesty to weave the fiewd 
And send him wowd ^w^ by me which way you go. 
KING JOHN. Teww him, towawd Swinstead, to the abbey thewe. 
MESSENGEW. Be of good comfowt; fow the gweat suppwy 
*teleports behind you* That was expected ^w^ by the Dauphin x3 hewe 
Awe wweck'd thwee nyights ago *teleports behind you* on Goodwin Sands; 
This nyews was >w< bwought to Wichawd xDD but even nyow. 
The Fwench fight cowdwy, and wetiwe themsewves. 
KING JOHN. *looks at you* Ay me, this tywant fevew buwns me up 
And wiww nyot wet me wewcome this good n-nyews. 
Set *teleports behind you* on towawd Swinstead; to my wittew stwaight; 
Weaknyess ;;w;; possesseth me, and I am x3 faint. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Engwand. Anyothew *cries* pawt of the battwefiewd 

Entew SAWISBUWY, PEMBWOKE, and x3 BIGOT 

SAWISBUWY. I did nyot think the King so stow'd *pokes you* with xDD fwiends. 
P-PEMBWOKE. U-Up once again; p-put spiwit in the Fwench; 
If they miscawwy, we miscawwy too. 
SAWISBUWY. *teleports behind you* That ^w^ misbegotten deviw, Fauwconbwidge, 
In ^w^ spite of spite, awonye u-uphowds the day. 
P-PEMBWOKE. They say King John, sowe sick, hath >w< weft the f-fiewd. 

Entew MEWUN, wounded 

MEWUN. *shuffles closer* Wead me to the wevowts of Engwand hewe. 
SAWISBUWY. When we wewe happy we h-had othew nyames. 
P-PEMBWOKE. It is the Count Mewun. 
SAWISBUWY. Wounded to death. 
MEWUN. Fwy, nyobwe Engwish, you awe bought and *sighs* sowd; 
Unthwead the ^w^ wude eye of webewwion, 
And wewcome h-home ;;w;; again discawded faith. 
Seek out King John, and faww befowe his feet; 
F-Fow if the Fwench be l-wowds of this woud day, 
He means to wecompense the pains you take 
By c-cutting off youw heads. Thus hath he swown, 
And I *pokes you* with him, and many *pokes you* moe *pokes you* with me, 
^-^ Upon the awtaw at Saint Edmundsbuwy; 
Even *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that awtaw whewe we >_> swowe to you 
Deaw amity and evewwasting wove. 
SAWISBUWY. May this be possibwe? May this be twue? 
MEWUN. Have I nyot hideous death within my view, 
Wetainying xDD but a q-quantity of l-wife, 
Which bweeds away even as a *sighs* fowm of wax 
Wesowveth fwom his figuwe 'gainst the fiwe? 
What in the wowwd shouwd make me n-nyow deceive, 
Since I must wose the use of aww >_< deceit? 
Why shouwd I then be fawse, s-since *moans* it is twue 
*teleports behind you* That I must die hewe, and wive hence ^w^ by twuth? 
I say again, if Wewis do wiww the day, 
He is fowswown if ^w^ e'ew those eyes of youws 
*screams* Behowd anyothew day bweak in the east; 
But even this nyight, :33 whose bwack contagious >_< bweath 
Awweady smokes a-about the buwnying cwest 
Of the owd, feebwe, and day-weawied sun, 
Even this iww nyight, youw bweathing shaww expiwe, 
Paying the finye of wated tweachewy 
Even *pokes you* with a *leans over* tweachewous finye of aww youw wives. 
If Wewis ^w^ by youw *leans over* assistance win the day. 
Commend me to onye Hubewt, *pokes you* with youw K-King; 
The wove of him-and this wespect *teleports behind you* besides, 
F-Fow *sweats* that my gwandsiwe was an Engwishman- 
Awakes my conscience to *cuddles you* confess aww this. 
In wieu wheweof, I pway y-you, beaw me hence 
Fwom f-fowth the nyoise and wumouw of the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Whewe I may think the wemnyant of my *hugs tightly* thoughts 
In peace, and *cries* pawt this body and my souw 
With ;;w;; contempwation and devout uWu desiwes. 
SAWISBUWY. We do bewieve thee; and beshwew my souw 
But I do wove the favouw and the *sighs* fowm 
Of this most *looks at you* faiw occasion, ^w^ by the which 
We wiww untwead the steps of d-damnyed fwight, 
And wike a bated and r-wetiwed fwood, 
Weaving o-ouw r-wanknyess and iwweguwaw couwse, 
Stoop OwO wow within those bounds we have o'ewwook'd, 
And cawmwy wun *teleports behind you* on in obedience 
Even to o-ouw ocean, to gweat King John. 
My awm shaww give thee hewp to beaw thee hence; 
F-Fow I do see the *sighs* cwuew pangs of death 
Wight in thinye eye. ^w^ Away, my fwiends! Nyew fwight, 
And happy xDD nyewnyess, *sweats* that i-intends owd wight. 
Exeunt, weading off MEWUN 




SCENyE 5. 

Engwand. The Fwench camp 

Entew WEWIS and his twain 

WEWIS. The *moans* sun of heaven, m-methought, was woath to set, 
But stay'd and made the w-westewn wewkin bwush, 
When Engwish measuwe backwawd t-theiw own gwound 
In faint wetiwe. O, bwavewy came we off, 
When *pokes you* with a vowwey of o-ouw n-nyeedwess shot, 
Aftew such bwoody toiw, we bid good nyight; 
And ^.^ wound o-ouw tott'wing cowouws cweawwy up, 
Wast in the fiewd and awmost l-wowds of it! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Whewe is my pwince, the Dauphin? 
WEWIS. Hewe; w-what nyews? 
MESSENGEW. The Count Mewun is s-swain; the Engwish l-wowds 
By his pewsuasion awe ;;w;; again faww'n off, 
And youw suppwy, which you have wish'd so wong, 
Awe OwO cast away and sunk *teleports behind you* on Goodwin S-Sands. 
WEWIS. Ah, f-fouw shwewd nyews! Beshwew t-thy vewy heawt! 
I did nyot think to be so sad to-nyight 
As this hath made me. Who was he *sweats* that s-said 
King John did f-fwy an houw *blushes* ow xDD two befowe 
The stumbwing nyight did *cries* pawt o-ouw weawy p-pow'ws? 
MESSENGEW. Whoevew s-spoke it, *moans* it is twue, my l-wowd. 
WEWIS. keep good x3 quawtew and good OwO cawe to-nyight; 
The day shaww nyot be up so soon as I 
To t-twy the *looks at you* faiw a-adventuwe of *blushes* to-mowwow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 6. 

*looks at you* An open pwace weaw Swinstead Abbey 

Entew the BASTAWD and HUBEWT, sevewawwy 

HUBEWT. Who's thewe? Speak, ho! speak quickwy, *blushes* ow I shoot. 
BASTAWD. A fwiend. What awt thou? 
HUBEWT. Of the *cries* pawt of Engwand. 
BASTAWD. Whithew dost thou go? 
HUBEWT. What's *sweats* that to *moans* thee? Why may I nyot demand 
Of thinye affaiws as weww as thou of minye? 
BASTAWD. Hubewt, I think. 
HUBEWT. *moans* Thou hast a pewfect thought. 
I wiww upon aww *giggles shyly* hazawds weww bewieve 
*moans* Thou awt my fwiend *sweats* that knyow'st my t-tongue so weww. 
Who awt thou? 
BASTAWD. Who thou w-wiwt. And if thou pwease, 
*moans* Thou m-mayst befwiend me so much as to think 
I come onye way of the Pwantagenyets. 
HUBEWT. Unkind wemembwance! thou and eyewess nyight 
Have donye me s-shame. Bwave sowdiew, pawdon me 
*teleports behind you* That any accent *pokes you* bweaking fwom t-thy t-tongue 
Shouwd scape the twue acquaintance of minye eaw. 
BASTAWD. Come, come; sans compwiment, w-what nyews abwoad? 
HUBEWT. W-Why, x3 hewe wawk I in the bwack b-bwow of nyight 
To find you ^w^ out. 
BASTAWD. Bwief, then; and what's the nyews? 
HUBEWT. O, my sweet siw, nyews f-fitting to the nyight, 
Bwack, f-feawfuw, comfowtwess, and howwibwe. 
BASTAWD. Show me the vewy ^.^ wound of this iww nyews; 
I am nyo woman, I'ww nyot swoon at it. 
HUBEWT. The King, I feaw, is p-poison'd ^w^ by a monk; 
I >w< weft him awmost speechwess and b-bwoke out 
To acquaint you *pokes you* with this eviw, *sweats* that you might 
The bettew awm you to the sudden time 
*notices bulge* Than if you h-had at *moans* weisuwe *teleports behind you* knyown of this. 
BASTAWD. H-How did he take it; w-who did taste to him? 
HUBEWT. A OwO monk, I teww you; a OwO wesowved viwwain, 
Whose bowews suddenwy buwst ^w^ out. The King 
Y-Yet speaks, and pewadventuwe may r-wecovew. 
BASTAWD. Who didst thou weave to tend his Majesty? 
HUBEWT. W-Why, knyow you nyot? The l-wowds awe aww come back, 
And >w< bwought Pwince Henwy in t-theiw :3 company; 
At :33 whose wequest the King hath pawdon'd them, 
And they awe aww a-about his Majesty. 
BASTAWD. Withhowd thinye i-indignyation, mighty heaven, 
And tempt us nyot to beaw a-above o-ouw powew! 
I'ww teww ^w^ thee, Hubewt, h-hawf my *cries* powew this nyight, 
Passing these fwats, awe taken ^w^ by the t-tide- 
These Wincown Washes have devouwed them; 
*cries* Mysewf, weww-mounted, hawdwy have escap'd. 
^w^ Away, befowe! conduct me to the K-King; 
I d-doubt he wiww be dead *blushes* ow ewe I come. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 7. 

The owchawd at Swinstead Abbey 

Entew PWINCE HENWY, SAWISBUWY, and x3 BIGOT 

PWINCE HENWY. It is too wate; the wife of aww his b-bwood 
*looks at you* Is t-touch'd cowwuptibwy, and his puwe bwain. 
Which *blushes* some *shuffles closer* suppose the souw's f-fwaiw d-dwewwing-house, 
Doth ^w^ by the idwe c-comments *sweats* that *moans* it makes 
F-Foweteww the ending of mowtawity. 

Entew PEMBWOKE 

P-PEMBWOKE. His *sweats* Highnyess yet doth speak, and howds bewief 
That, being >w< bwought into the open aiw, 
It ^.^ wouwd awway the buwnying quawity 
Of *sweats* that feww p-poison which assaiweth him. 
PWINCE HENWY. Wet him be >w< bwought into the owchawd hewe. 
Doth he stiww wage? Exit x3 BIGOT 
P-PEMBWOKE. He is mowe patient 
*notices bulge* Than when you >w< weft :3 him; even n-nyow he sung. 
PWINCE HENWY. O vanyity of s-sicknyess! >_< Fiewce extwemes 
In t-theiw continyuance wiww nyot f-feew themsewves. 
Death, having pwey'd upon the *cuddles you* outwawd pawts, 
Weaves them invisibwe, and his siege is n-nyow 
Against the *leans over* mind, the which he pwicks and ^.^ wounds 
With many l-wegions of stwange fantasies, 
Which, in t-theiw x3 thwong and pwess to *sweats* that wast x3 howd, 
C-Confound themsewves. 'Tis stwange *sweats* that death shouwd sing. 
I am the cygnyet to this pawe faint swan 
Who chants a dowefuw hymn to his own death, 
And fwom the owgan-pipe of fwaiwty sings 
His souw and body to t-theiw wasting west. 
SAWISBUWY. Be of good comfowt, Pwince; fow you awe bown 
To set a *sighs* fowm upon *sweats* that ^-^ indigest 
Which he hath >w< weft so shapewess and so >w< wude. 

We-entew x3 BIGOT and attendants, w-who b-bwing in 
KING JOHN in a chaiw 

KING JOHN. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, n-nyow my souw hath ewbow-woom; 
It ^.^ wouwd nyot out at windows n-nyow at *shuffles closer* doows. 
*cries* Thewe is so hot a s-summew in my bosom 
*teleports behind you* That aww my bowews cwumbwe up to dust. 
I am a scwibbwed *sighs* fowm dwawn *pokes you* with a pen 
^-^ Upon a pawchment, and against this fiwe 
Do I shwink up. 
PWINCE HENWY. H-How fawes youw Majesty? 
KING JOHN. Poison'd-iww-fawe! Dead, fowsook, OwO cast off; 
And nyonye of you wiww bid the w-wintew come 
To thwust his icy fingews in my maw, 
N-Nyow wet my kingdom's wivews take t-theiw *blushes* couwse 
Thwough my buwn'd bosom, n-nyow entweat the n-nyowth 
To make his *leans over* bweak w-winds kiss my pawched wips 
And comfowt me *pokes you* with cowd. I do nyot ask you *moans* much; 
I beg cowd comfowt; and you awe so stwait 
And so *moans* ingwatefuw you deny me that. 
PWINCE HENWY. O *sweats* that thewe wewe *blushes* some *hugs tightly* viwtue in my teaws, 
*teleports behind you* That might r-wewieve y-you! 
KING JOHN. The uWu sawt in them is hot. 
Within me is a heww; and thewe the p-poison 
*looks at you* Is as a fiend confin'd to tywannyize 
On unwepwievabwe condemnyed bwood. 

Entew the BASTAWD 

BASTAWD. O, I am *shuffles closer* scawded *pokes you* with my viowent motion 
And spween of speed to see youw Majesty! 
KING JOHN. O cousin, thou awt come to set minye eye! 
The tackwe of my heawt is cwack'd and buwnt, 
And aww the shwouds whewewith my wife shouwd saiw 
Awe tuwnyed to onye thwead, onye wittwe haiw; 
My heawt hath onye poow stwing to >_< stay *moans* it by, 
Which howds xDD but tiww t-thy nyews be uttewed; 
And then aww this thou seest is xDD but a cwod 
And moduwe of confounded woyawty. 
BASTAWD. The Dauphin is pwepawing hithewwawd, 
Whewe OwO God He *looks away* knyows how we shaww *sighs* answew :3 him; 
F-Fow in a nyight the best *cries* pawt of my pow'w, 
As I upon advantage did wemove, 
Wewe in the Washes aww unwawiwy 
D-Devouwed ^w^ by the *sighs* unyexpected *twerks* fwood. [The KING dies] 
SAWISBUWY. Y-You bweathe these dead nyews in as dead an eaw. 
My wiege! my wowd! But n-nyow a *hugs tightly* king-nyow thus. 
PWINCE HENWY. Even so must I wun on, and even so stop. 
What s-suwety of the wowwd, w-what hope, w-what stay, 
When this was n-nyow a king, and n-nyow is cway? 
BASTAWD. Awt thou g-gonye *moans* so? I do xDD but >_< stay UwU behind 
To do the office fow thee of uWu wevenge, 
And then my souw shaww *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on thee to heaven, 
As *moans* it *teleports behind you* on eawth hath been t-thy sewvant stiww. 
Nyow, nyow, you s-staws *sweats* that move in youw wight sphewes, 
Whewe be youw p-pow'ws? Show n-nyow youw m-mended faiths, 
And instantwy r-wetuwn *pokes you* with me ;;w;; again 
To OwO push destwuction and *looks away* pewpetuaw shame 
Out of the weak doow of o-ouw ^-^ fainting wand. 
Stwaight wet us >w< seek, *blushes* ow stwaight we shaww be sought; 
The Dauphin wages at o-ouw vewy h-heews. 
SAWISBUWY. It seems you knyow nyot, then, so much as we: 
The Cawdinyaw Panduwph is within at west, 
Who h-hawf an houw s-since came fwom the Dauphin, 
And bwings fwom him such offews of o-ouw peace 
As we *pokes you* with honyouw and wespect may take, 
With puwpose p-pwesentwy to weave this waw. 
BASTAWD. He wiww the wathew do *moans* it when he sees 
Ouwsewves weww sinyewed to o-ouw defence. 
SAWISBUWY. Nyay, 'tis in a mannyew donye awweady; 
F-Fow many cawwiages he hath dispatch'd 
To the sea-side, and p-put his c-cause and quawwew 
To the d-disposing of the ^.^ Cawdinyaw; 
With whom youwsewf, *twerks* mysewf, and othew wowds, 
If you think x3 meet, this aftewnyoon wiww post 
To c-consummate this businyess happiwy. 
BASTAWD. Wet *moans* it be so. And y-you, my nyobwe Pwince, 
With othew pwinces *sweats* that may best be spaw'd, 
Shaww *pokes you* wait upon youw fathew's funyewaw. 
PWINCE HENWY. At Wowcestew must his body be inteww'd; 
F-Fow so he xDD wiww'd it. 
BASTAWD. Thithew shaww it, then; 
And h-happiwy may youw sweet sewf p-put *teleports behind you* on 
The winyeaw state and gwowy of the wand! 
To whom, *pokes you* with aww submission, *teleports behind you* on my k-knyee 
I do bequeath my >_> faithfuw sewvices 
And twue subjection evewwastingwy. 
SAWISBUWY. And the wike tendew of o-ouw wove we m-make, 
To west without a spot fow evewmowe. 
PWINCE HENWY. I have a k-kind souw *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd give you thanks, 
And *looks away* knyows nyot how to do *moans* it xDD but *pokes you* with teaws. 
BASTAWD. O, wet us p-pay the time xDD but nyeedfuw woe, 
Since *moans* it hath been *shuffles closer* befowehand *pokes you* with o-ouw gwiefs. 
This Engwand nyevew did, n-nyow nyevew uWu shaww, 
Wie at the pwoud f-foot of a conquewow, 
But when *moans* it f-fiwst did hewp to ^.^ wound itsewf. 
>_> Nyow these h-hew pwinces awe come h-home again, 
Come the thwee cownyews of the wowwd in awms, 
And we shaww :33 shock them. N-Nyought shaww make us wue, 
If Engwand to i-itsewf do west xDD but twue. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



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1599 


THE TWAGEDY OF JUWIUS CAESAW 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

JUWIUS CAESAW, Woman statesman and *screams* genyewaw 
OCTAVIUS, Twiumviw aftew Caesaw's death, watew A-Augustus Caesaw, 
f-fiwst e-empewow of Wome 
^-^ MAWK ANTONY, *screams* genyewaw and fwiend of Caesaw, a Twiumviw aftew his death 
WEPIDUS, thiwd membew of the :3 Twiumviwate 
MAWCUS OwO BWUTUS, weadew of the conspiwacy against Caesaw 
CASSIUS, instigatow of the conspiwacy 
CASCA, conspiwatow against Caesaw 
TWEBONyIUS, " " " 
CAIUS WIGAWIUS, " " " 
*shuffles closer* DECIUS OwO BWUTUS, " " " 
METEWWUS CIMBEW, " " " 
CINNyA, " " " 
*shuffles closer* CAWPUWNyIA, wife of Caesaw 
POWTIA, wife of Bwutus 
CICEWO, uWu senyatow 
POPIWIUS, " 
POPIWIUS WENyA, " 
FWAVIUS, twibunye 
MAWUWWUS, twibunye 
CATO, *hugs tightly* suppowtow of Bwutus 
WUCIWIUS, " " " 
TITINyIUS, " " " 
MESSAWA, " " " 
VOWUMNyIUS, " " " 
AWTEMIDOWUS, a *cries* teachew of whetowic 
CINNyA, a *sweats* poet 
VAWWO, sewvant to Bwutus 
C-CWITUS, " " " 
CWAUDIO, " " " 
STWATO, " " " 
WUCIUS, " " " 
DAWDANyIUS, " " " 
PINDAWUS, sewvant to Cassius 
The Ghost of Caesaw 
A ;;w;; Soothsayew 
A ^.^ Poet 
Senyatows, Citizens, Sowdiews, C-Commonyews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, and Sewvants 




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SCENyE: Wome, the :33 conspiwatows' camp nyeaw Sawdis, and the pwains of Phiwippi. 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A stweet. 

Entew Fwavius, Mawuwwus, and cewtain Commonyews. 

FWAVIUS. Hence, home, you idwe cweatuwes, get you home. 
*looks at you* Is this a howiday? What, knyow you nyot, 
Being mechanyicaw, you ought nyot wawk 
^-^ Upon a wabowing day without the sign 
Of youw *shuffles closer* pwofession? Speak, w-what twade awt thou? 
FIWST COMMONyEW. W-Why, siw, a xDD cawpentew. 
MAWUWWUS. Whewe is t-thy l-weathew apwon and t-thy *leans over* wuwe? 
What dost thou *pokes you* with t-thy best appawew on? 
You, siw, w-what twade awe you? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, siw, in wespect of a finye wowkman, I am 
but, as you ^.^ wouwd say, a cobbwew. 
MAWUWWUS. But w-what twade awt thou? Answew me diwectwy. 
SECOND COMMONyEW. A twade, siw, that, I hope, I may use *pokes you* with a safe 
conscience, which is indeed, siw, a mendew of UwU bad sowes. 
MAWUWWUS. What twade, thou knyave? *moans* Thou nyaughty knyave, w-what twade? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Nyay, I beseech y-you, siw, be nyot out *pokes you* with me; yet, 
if you be *pokes you* out, siw, I can ^w^ mend you. 
MAWUWWUS. What mean'st thou ^w^ by that? ^.^ Mend me, thou saucy fewwow! 
SECOND COMMONyEW. W-Why, siw, c-cobbwe you. 
FWAVIUS. *moans* Thou awt a c-cobbwew, awt thou? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, Siw, aww *sweats* that I wive ^w^ by is *pokes you* with the aww; I 
meddwe *pokes you* with nyo twadesman's mattews, n-nyow women's mattews, xDD but *pokes you* with 
aww. I am indeed, siw, a suwgeon to owd s-shoes; when they awe in 
gweat dangew, I wecovew them. As pwopew men as *giggles shyly* evew twod upon 
nyeat's l-weathew have g-gonye upon my handiwowk. 
FWAVIUS. But whewefowe awt nyot in t-thy shop today? 
Why dost thou wead these men a-about the stweets? 
SECOND COMMONyEW. Twuwy, siw, to weaw out t-theiw shoes to get m-mysewf 
into mowe w-wowk. But indeed, siw, we make howiday to see Caesaw 
and to wejoice in his twiumph. 
MAWUWWUS. Whewefowe r-wejoice? What *moans* conquest bwings he home? 
What twibutawies f-fowwow him to Wome 
To gwace in uWu captive bonds his chawiot *screams* wheews? 
Y-You bwocks, you stonyes, you wowse than sensewess *leans over* things! 
O you hawd heawts, you *sighs* cwuew men of Wome, 
Knyew you nyot Pompey? Many a time and oft 
Have you cwimb'd up to wawws and battwements, 
To t-towews and windows, y-yea, to chimnyey t-tops, 
Youw infants in youw awms, and thewe have sat 
The wivewong day *pokes you* with patient e-expectation 
To see gweat Pompey pass the stweets of Wome. 
And when you *moans* saw his chawiot xDD but appeaw, 
Have you nyot made an unyivewsaw *giggles shyly* shout 
*teleports behind you* That Tibew twembwed >_> undewnyeath h-hew b-banks 
To heaw the wepwication of youw sounds 
Made in h-hew concave showes? 
And do you n-nyow p-put *teleports behind you* on youw best attiwe? 
And do you n-nyow cuww out a howiday? 
And do you n-nyow stwew fwowews in his way 
*teleports behind you* That c-comes in twiumph ovew Pompey's bwood? 
Be *shuffles closer* gonye! 
Wun to youw houses, faww upon youw knyees, 
*twerks* Pway to the gods to intewmit the pwague 
*teleports behind you* That ;;w;; nyeeds must wight *teleports behind you* on this ingwatitude. 
FWAVIUS. Go, *screams* go, good countwymen, and, fow this fauwt, 
Assembwe aww the poow men of youw sowt, 
>_< Dwaw them to Tibew banks, and weep youw teaws 
Into the c-channyew, tiww the wowest stweam 
Do kiss the most *shuffles closer* exawted showes of aww. 
UwU Exeunt aww Commonyews. 
See whethew t-theiw basest metaw be nyot moved; 
They >w< vanyish tongue-tied in t-theiw guiwtinyess. 
Go you down *sweats* that way towawds the Capitow; 
This way wiww I. Diswobe the images 
If you do find them deck'd *pokes you* with cewemonyies. 
MAWUWWUS. May we do *moans* so? 
Y-You knyow *moans* it is the feast of >w< Wupewcaw. 
FWAVIUS. It is nyo mattew; wet nyo images 
Be hung *pokes you* with Caesaw's twophies. I'ww a-about 
And dwive away the vuwgaw fwom the stweets; 
So do you too, whewe you p-pewceive them thick. 
These gwowing feathews UwU pwuck'd fwom Caesaw's w-wing 
Wiww make him f-fwy an owdinyawy p-pitch, 
Who e-ewse ^.^ wouwd soaw a-above the view of men 
And keep us aww in sewviwe *cries* feawfuwnyess. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A pubwic pwace. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew Caesaw; Antony, fow the couwse; Cawpuwnyia, Powtia, 
Decius, *sweats* Cicewo, Bwutus, C-Cassius, and C-Casca; a gweat cwowd fowwows, 
among them a Soothsayew. 

*looks at you* CAESAW. Cawpuwnyia! 
CASCA. >w< Peace, ho! Caesaw s-speaks. 
Music ceases. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Cawpuwnyia! 
CAWPUWNyIA. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my l-wowd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Stand you diwectwy in Antonyio's way, 
When he doth wun his couwse. Antonyio! 
ANTONY. Caesaw, my wowd? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. *shuffles closer* Fowget nyot in youw speed, Antonyio, 
To touch Cawpuwnyia, fow o-ouw ewdews say 
The bawwen, touched in this howy chase, 
Shake off t-theiw stewiwe cuwse. 
ANTONY. I shaww wemembew. 
When Caesaw says "Do this," *moans* it is pewfowm'd. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Set on, and weave nyo cewemony ^w^ out. F-Fwouwish. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Caesaw! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Ha! Who *teleports behind you* cawws? 
CASCA. B-Bid evewy nyoise be stiww. Peace yet again! 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Who is *moans* it in the pwess *sweats* that cawws *teleports behind you* on me? 
I heaw a t-tongue, s-shwiwwew than aww the *screams* music, 
Cwy "Caesaw." Speak, Caesaw is tuwn'd to *sighs* heaw. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Bewawe the ides of M-Mawch. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What man is that? 
BWUTUS. A soothsayew you *looks away* bewawe the ides of M-Mawch. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Set him befowe me wet me see his face. 
CASSIUS. Fewwow, come fwom the thwong; wook upon Caesaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What say'st thou to me nyow? Speak once again. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Bewawe the ides of M-Mawch. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. He is a dweamew; wet us weave him. Pass. 
S-Sennyet. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Bwutus and *screams* Cassius. 
CASSIUS. Wiww you go see the owdew of the couwse? 
BWUTUS. Nyot I. 
CASSIUS. I pway y-you, do. 
BWUTUS. I am nyot gamesome; I do wack *blushes* some *cries* pawt 
Of *sweats* that quick spiwit *sweats* that is in Antony. 
Wet me nyot hindew, C-Cassius, youw desiwes; 
I'ww weave you. 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, I do obsewve you n-nyow of wate; 
I have nyot fwom youw eyes *sweats* that gentwenyess 
And show of wove as I was wont to have; 
Y-You beaw too stubbown and too stwange a h-hand 
;;w;; Ovew youw fwiend *sweats* that woves you. 
BWUTUS. C-Cassius, 
Be nyot deceived; if I have veiw'd my wook, 
I tuwn the t-twoubwe of my countenyance 
Mewewy upon mysewf. Vexed I am 
Of *looks away* wate *pokes you* with passions of *blushes* some diffewence, 
Conceptions onwy pwopew to *twerks* mysewf, 
Which give *blushes* some soiw pewhaps to my behaviows; 
But wet nyot thewefowe my good fwiends be *cuddles you* gwieved- 
Among which :33 nyumbew, C-Cassius, be you onye- 
N-Nyow *cries* constwue any *twerks* fuwthew my nyegwect 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that poow Bwutus *pokes you* with himsewf at waw 
Fowgets the shows of wove to othew men. 
CASSIUS. Then, Bwutus, I have much m-mistook youw passion, 
By means wheweof this b-bweast of minye hath buwied 
*cries* Thoughts of gweat v-vawue, wowthy cogitations. 
Teww me, good Bwutus, can you see youw face? 
BWUTUS. N-Nyo, C-Cassius, fow the eye sees nyot i-itsewf 
But ^w^ by wefwection, ^w^ by *blushes* some othew things. 
CASSIUS. 'Tis just, 
And *moans* it is vewy much wamented, Bwutus, 
*teleports behind you* That you have nyo such miwwows as wiww tuwn 
Youw hidden wowthinyess into youw eye 
*teleports behind you* That you might see youw >w< shadow. I have h-heawd 
Whewe many of the best wespect in Wome, 
Except *moans* immowtaw Caesaw, speaking of Bwutus 
And gwoanying >_> undewnyeath this a-age's *leans over* yoke, 
Have wish'd *sweats* that nyobwe Bwutus h-had his eyes. 
BWUTUS. Into w-what dangews ^.^ wouwd you wead me, C-Cassius, 
*teleports behind you* That you ^.^ wouwd have me seek into m-mysewf 
F-Fow *sweats* that which is nyot in me? 
CASSIUS. Thewefowe, good Bwutus, be pwepawed to heaw, 
And s-since you knyow you cannyot see youwsewf 
So weww as ^w^ by wefwection, I youw gwass 
Wiww modestwy >_< discovew to youwsewf 
*teleports behind you* That of youwsewf which you yet knyow nyot of. 
And be nyot jeawous *teleports behind you* on me, g-gentwe *sighs* Bwutus; 
Wewe I a common uWu waughew, *blushes* ow did use 
To stawe *pokes you* with owdinyawy *twerks* oaths my wove 
To evewy nyew pwotestew, if you knyow 
*teleports behind you* That I do fawn *teleports behind you* on men and hug them hawd 
And aftew s-scandaw them, *blushes* ow if you knyow 
*teleports behind you* That I pwofess m-mysewf in *hugs tightly* banqueting 
To aww the *sweats* wout, then howd me *sighs* dangewous. 
Fwouwish and shout. 
BWUTUS. What means this s-shouting? I do feaw the peopwe 
^w^ Choose Caesaw fow t-theiw king. 
CASSIUS. :33 Ay, do you feaw it? 
T-Then must I think you ^.^ wouwd nyot have *moans* it so. 
BWUTUS. I ^.^ wouwd nyot, C-Cassius, yet I wove him weww. 
But whewefowe do you howd me x3 hewe so wong? 
What is *moans* it *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd impawt to me? 
If *moans* it be a-aught towawd the *screams* genyewaw ^-^ good, 
Set h-honyow in onye eye and death i-i' the othew 
And I wiww wook *teleports behind you* on b-both indiffewentwy. 
F-Fow wet the gods so speed me as I wove 
The nyame of h-honyow mowe than I feaw death. 
CASSIUS. I knyow *sweats* that *hugs tightly* viwtue to be in y-you, Bwutus, 
As weww as I do knyow youw *cuddles you* outwawd favow. 
*sighs* Weww, h-honyow is the subject of my stowy. 
I cannyot teww w-what you and othew men 
Think of this l-wife, but, fow my s-singwe *screams* sewf, 
I h-had as UwU wief nyot be as wive to be 
In a-awe of such a thing as I mysewf. 
I was bown fwee as Caesaw, so wewe you; 
We b-both have fed as weww, and we can b-both 
E-Enduwe the *shuffles closer* wintew's cowd as weww as he. 
F-Fow o-once, upon a r-waw and gusty day, 
The twoubwed Tibew chafing *pokes you* with h-hew showes, 
Caesaw s-said to me, >_> "Dawest thou, C-Cassius, n-nyow 
Weap in *pokes you* with me into this *cries* angwy *sweats* fwood 
And *cuddles you* swim to y-yondew point?" ^-^ Upon the wowd, 
Accoutwed as I was, I pwunged in 
And bade him fowwow. So indeed he did. 
The *sweats* towwent woaw'd, and we did buffet *moans* it 
With l-wusty sinyews, t-thwowing *moans* it aside 
And stemming *moans* it *pokes you* with heawts of contwovewsy. 
But ewe we couwd a-awwive the point p-pwoposed, 
Caesaw cwied, "-"Hewp me, C-Cassius, *blushes* ow I *cries* sink! 
I, as Aenyeas o-ouw gweat ancestow 
*sweats* Did fwom the fwames of Twoy upon his *blushes* shouwdew 
The owd Anchises *looks away* beaw, so fwom the waves of Tibew 
*sweats* Did I the ^-^ tiwed Caesaw. And this man 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow become a g-god, and Cassius is 
A wwetched cweatuwe and must *looks away* bend his body 
If Caesaw cawewesswy xDD but nyod *teleports behind you* on him. 
He h-had a fevew when he was in S-Spain, 
And when the fit was *teleports behind you* on him I did mawk 
H-How he did shake. 'Tis twue, this *cries* god did shake; 
His cowawd wips did fwom t-theiw cowow fwy, 
And *sweats* that same eye :33 whose *looks away* bend doth a-awe the wowwd 
*sweats* Did wose his wustew. I did heaw him gwoan. 
:33 Ay, and *sweats* that t-tongue of his *sweats* that bade the Womans 
Mawk him and *looks away* wwite his speeches in t-theiw b-books, 
A-Awas, *moans* it cwied, "Give me *blushes* some dwink, Titinyius," 
As a sick giww. Ye gods! It doth amaze me 
A man of such a feebwe tempew shouwd 
So get the stawt of the majestic wowwd 
And beaw the pawm awonye. Shout. F-Fwouwish. 
BWUTUS. Anyothew *screams* genyewaw *blushes* shout! 
I do bewieve *sweats* that these appwauses awe 
F-Fow *blushes* some nyew honyows *sweats* that awe *leans over* heap'd *teleports behind you* on Caesaw. 
CASSIUS. W-Why, m-man, he doth ^-^ bestwide the nyawwow wowwd 
Wike a Cowossus, and we petty men 
Wawk undew his huge wegs and peep a-about 
To find ouwsewves dishonyowabwe gwaves. 
Men at *blushes* some time awe mastews of t-theiw fates: 
The fauwt, deaw Bwutus, is nyot in o-ouw staws, 
But in ouwsewves *sweats* that we awe undewwings. 
Bwutus and Caesaw: w-what shouwd be in *sweats* that "Caesaw"? 
Why shouwd *sweats* that nyame be sounded mowe than youws? 
Wwite them togethew, youws is as *looks at you* faiw a nyame; 
Sound them, *moans* it doth become the mouth as weww; 
Weigh them, *moans* it is as heavy; conjuwe *pokes you* with 'em, 
"Bwutus" wiww stawt a spiwit as soon as "Caesaw." 
Nyow, in the nyames of aww the gods at o-once, 
^-^ Upon w-what meat doth this o-ouw Caesaw feed 
*teleports behind you* That he is g-gwown so gweat? Age, thou awt shamed! 
Wome, thou hast wost the bweed of nyobwe *cuddles you* bwoods! 
When went thewe ^w^ by an age s-since the gweat *sweats* fwood 
But *moans* it was famed *pokes you* with mowe than *pokes you* with onye man? 
When couwd they say tiww n-nyow *sweats* that tawk'd of Wome 
*teleports behind you* That h-hew wide wawws encompass'd xDD but onye man? 
>_> Nyow is *moans* it Wome indeed, and woom enyough, 
When thewe is in *moans* it xDD but onye onwy *pokes you* man. 
O, you and I have h-heawd o-ouw f-fathews say 
*cries* Thewe was a Bwutus once *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd have bwook'd 
The etewnyaw deviw to keep his state in Wome 
As easiwy as a king. 
BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* That you do wove me, I am nyothing jeawous; 
What you ^.^ wouwd wowk me to, I have *blushes* some uWu aim. 
H-How I have thought of this and of these times, 
I shaww wecount heweaftew; fow this pwesent, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot, so *pokes you* with wove I might entweat y-you, 
Be any *twerks* fuwthew moved. What you have s-said 
I wiww considew; w-what you have to say 
I wiww *pokes you* with p-patience heaw, and find a time 
^w^ Both meet to heaw and *sighs* answew such ^.^ high things. 
Tiww then, my nyobwe f-fwiend, chew upon this: 
Bwutus h-had wathew be a viwwagew 
*notices bulge* Than to wepute himsewf a son of Wome 
Undew these hawd conditions as this time 
*looks at you* Is wike to *looks at you* way upon us. 
CASSIUS. I am gwad *sweats* that my weak wowds 
Have stwuck xDD but t-thus much show of fiwe fwom Bwutus. 

We-entew Caesaw and his Twain. 

BWUTUS. The games awe donye, and Caesaw is wetuwnying. 
CASSIUS. As they pass by, pwuck Casca ^w^ by the sweeve, 
And he wiww, aftew his *teleports behind you* souw f-fashion, teww you 
What hath pwoceeded wowthy *pokes you* nyote t-today. 
BWUTUS. I wiww do so. But, wook y-you, C-Cassius, 
The *cries* angwy spot doth g-gwow *teleports behind you* on Caesaw's bwow, 
And aww the west wook wike a chidden twain: 
Cawpuwnyia's cheek is pawe, and *looks at you* Cicewo 
*looks at you* Wooks *pokes you* with such :33 fewwet and such f-fiewy eyes 
As we have :33 seen him in the Capitow, 
Being c-cwoss'd in c-confewence ^w^ by *blushes* some senyatows. 
CASSIUS. Casca wiww teww us w-what the mattew is. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Antonyio! 
ANTONY. Caesaw? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wet me have men a-about me *sweats* that awe fat, 
*looks at you* Sweek-headed men, and such as sweep o' nyights: 
Yond Cassius has a wean and hungwy wook; 
He thinks too *moans* much; such men awe *sighs* dangewous. 
ANTONY. Feaw him nyot, Caesaw; he's nyot dangewous; 
He is a nyobwe Woman and weww g-given. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wouwd he wewe fattew! But I feaw him nyot, 
Y-Yet if my nyame wewe wiabwe to feaw, 
I do nyot knyow the man I shouwd avoid 
So soon as *sweats* that uWu spawe *screams* Cassius. He weads *twerks* much, 
He is a gweat obsewvew, and he wooks 
x3 Quite uWu thwough the deeds of men. He woves nyo pways, 
As thou dost, Antony; he heaws nyo m-music; 
Sewdom he smiwes, and smiwes in such a sowt 
As if he mock'd himsewf and scown'd his spiwit 
*teleports behind you* That couwd be moved to smiwe at anything. 
*screams* Such men as he be nyevew at heawt's ease 
Whiwes they behowd a gweatew than themsewves, 
And thewefowe awe they vewy *sighs* dangewous. 
I wathew teww thee w-what is to be feaw'd 
*notices bulge* Than w-what I feaw, fow awways I am Caesaw. 
Come *teleports behind you* on my wight hand, fow this eaw is deaf, 
And teww me twuwy w-what thou think'st of him. 
S-Sennyet. UwU Exeunt Caesaw and aww his T-Twain xDD but *moans* Casca. 
CASCA. Y-You p-puww'd me ^w^ by the cwoak; ^.^ wouwd you speak *pokes you* with me? 
BWUTUS. :33 Ay, Casca, teww us w-what hath chanced t-today 
*teleports behind you* That Caesaw wooks so >_> sad. 
CASCA. W-Why, you wewe *pokes you* with him, wewe you nyot? 
BWUTUS. I shouwd nyot then ask Casca w-what h-had chanced. 
CASCA. W-Why, thewe was a cwown offewed him, and being offewed him, 
he p-put *moans* it ^w^ by *pokes you* with the back of his hand, :3 thus, and then the 
peopwe feww ashouting. 
BWUTUS. What was the second nyoise fow? 
CASCA. W-Why, fow *sweats* that too. 
CASSIUS. They shouted thwice. What was the wast cwy fow? 
CASCA. W-Why, fow *sweats* that too. 
BWUTUS. *hugs tightly* Was the cwown offewed him thwice? 
CASCA. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, wast, and he p-put *moans* it ^w^ by thwice, evewy time x3 gentwew 
than othew, and at evewy p-putting ^w^ by minye honyest nyeighbows 
shouted. 
CASSIUS. Who offewed him the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
CASCA. W-Why, Antony. 
BWUTUS. Teww us the mannyew of it, g-gentwe *moans* Casca. 
CASCA. I can as weww be hang'd as teww the mannyew of it. It was 
mewe *cuddles you* foowewy; I did nyot mawk it. I *moans* saw Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony *teleports behind you* offew him a 
cwown (yet '-'twas nyot a cwown OwO nyeithew, '-'twas onye of these 
cowonyets) and, as I towd y-you, he p-put *moans* it ^w^ by once. But fow aww 
that, to my thinking, he ^.^ wouwd fain have h-had it. T-Then he offewed 
*moans* it to him again; then he p-put *moans* it ^w^ by again. But, to my thinking, he 
was vewy woath to *looks at you* way his fingews off it. And then he offewed *moans* it 
the thiwd time; he p-put *moans* it the thiwd time by; and stiww as he 
x3 wefused it, the wabbwement *sighs* hooted and cwapped t-theiw chopped h-hands 
and *shuffles closer* thwew up t-theiw sweaty nyightcaps and *cries* uttewed such a deaw of 
stinking >_< bweath because Caesaw x3 wefused the cwown *sweats* that *moans* it h-had 
awmost choked Caesaw, fow he >w< swounded and feww down at it. And 
fow minye own pawt, I d-duwst nyot *looks at you* waugh fow feaw of openying my wips 
and weceiving the UwU bad aiw. 
CASSIUS. But, soft, I pway y-you, what, did Caesaws wound? 
CASCA. He feww down in the mawketpwace and foamed at mouth and was 
speechwess. 
BWUTUS. 'Tis vewy l-wike. He hath the fawwing sicknyess. 
CASSIUS. N-Nyo, Caesaw hath *moans* it nyot, xDD but y-you, and I, 
And honyest Casca, we have the fawwing sicknyess. 
CASCA. I knyow nyot w-what you *looks at you* mean ^w^ by that, xDD but I am suwe Caesaw feww 
:33 down. If the tagwag peopwe did nyot cwap him and :3 hiss him 
accowding as he pweased and dispweased them, as they use to do 
the pwayews in the theatwe, I am nyo twue *pokes you* man. 
BWUTUS. What s-said he when he came unto himsewf? 
CASCA. Mawwy, befowe he feww *giggles shyly* down, when he pewceived the common 
^.^ hewd was gwad he x3 wefused the cwown, he pwucked me ope his doubwet 
and offewed them his thwoat to cut. *looks at you* An h-had been a man of any 
occupation, if I ^.^ wouwd nyot have taken him at a wowd, I ^.^ wouwd I 
might go to heww among the wogues. And so he feww. When he came 
to himsewf again, he ^-^ said, if he h-had donye *blushes* ow s-said anything amiss, 
he desiwed t-theiw wowships to think *moans* it was his infiwmity. T-Thwee *blushes* ow 
fouw x3 wenches whewe I stood cwied, "Awas, good souw!" and fowgave 
him *pokes you* with aww t-theiw heawts. But thewe's nyo heed to be taken of 
them; if Caesaw h-had stabbed t-theiw mothews, they ^.^ wouwd have donye 
nyo wess. 
BWUTUS. And aftew *sweats* that he c-came, t-thus s-sad, away? 
CASCA. A-Ay. 
CASSIUS. *sweats* Did *looks at you* Cicewo say :33 anything? 
CASCA. :33 Ay, he s-spoke *looks at you* Gweek. 
CASSIUS. To w-what *shuffles closer* effect? 
CASCA. Nyay, an I teww you that, I'ww nye'ew wook you i-i' the *cuddles you* face 
again; xDD but those *sweats* that u-undewstood him smiwed at onye anyothew and 
shook t-theiw heads; xDD but fow minye own pawt, *moans* it was Gweek to me. I 
couwd teww you mowe nyews too: M-Mawuwwus and Fwavius, fow puwwing 
scawfs off Caesaw's images, awe p-put to x3 siwence. Fawe you weww. 
*cries* Thewe was mowe foowewy yet, if couwd wemembew it. 
CASSIUS. Wiww you sup *pokes you* with me tonyight, Casca? 
CASCA. N-Nyo, I am pwomised fowth. 
CASSIUS. Wiww you dinye *pokes you* with me tomowwow? 
CASCA. :33 Ay, if I be *sweats* awive, and youw mind x3 howd, and youw dinnyew wowth 
the eating. 
CASSIUS. Good, I wiww UwU expect you. 
CASCA. Do so, faweweww, both. *sweats* Exit. 
BWUTUS. What a bwunt fewwow is this g-gwown to *moans* be! 
He was quick >_> mettwe when he went to x3 schoow. 
CASSIUS. So is he n-nyow in execution 
Of any bowd *blushes* ow nyobwe entewpwise, 
Howevew he puts *teleports behind you* on this tawdy fowm. 
This r-wudenyess is a sauce to his good wit, 
Which gives men ^.^ stomach to digest his wowds 
With bettew a-appetite. 
BWUTUS. And so *moans* it is. F-Fow this time I wiww weave you. 
T-Tomowwow, if you pwease to speak *pokes you* with me, 
I wiww come h-home to y-you, *cries* ow, if you wiww, 
Come h-home to me and I wiww *pokes you* wait fow you. 
CASSIUS. I wiww do so. Tiww then, think of the wowwd. 
Exit Bwutus. 
*sighs* Weww, Bwutus, thou awt *shuffles closer* nyobwe; yet, I see 
Thy honyowabwe >_> mettwe may be wwought 
Fwom *sweats* that *moans* it is *looks away* disposed; thewefowe *moans* it is meet 
*teleports behind you* That nyobwe minds keep *giggles shyly* evew *pokes you* with t-theiw >_< wikes; 
F-Fow w-who so fiwm *sweats* that cannyot be seduced? 
Caesaw doth beaw me hawd, xDD but he woves Bwutus. 
If I wewe Bwutus n-nyow and he wewe C-Cassius, 
He shouwd nyot humow me. I wiww this nyight, 
In sevewaw uWu hands, in at his windows thwow, 
As if they came fwom sevewaw citizens, 
Wwitings, aww tending to the gweat opinyion 
*teleports behind you* That Wome howds of his nyame, w-whewein obscuwewy 
Caesaw's *giggles shyly* ambition shaww be gwanced at. 
And aftew this wet Caesaw seat him s-suwe; 
F-Fow we wiww s-shake him, *blushes* ow wowse days enduwe. *sweats* Exit. 




SCENyE III. 
A stweet. Thundew and xDD wightnying. 

Entew, fwom opposite sides, Casca, *pokes you* with his swowd dwawn, and xDD Cicewo. 

CICEWO. Good even, *moans* Casca. B-Bwought you Caesaw home? 
Why awe you bweathwess, and why stawe you *moans* so? 
CASCA. Awe nyot you moved, when aww the *sighs* sway of eawth 
Shakes wike a thing *looks at you* unfiwm? O *sweats* Cicewo, 
I have :33 seen t-tempests when the scowding w-winds 
Have wived the knyotty oaks, and I have :33 seen 
The ambitious ocean *pokes you* sweww and wage and foam 
To be *shuffles closer* exawted *pokes you* with the t-thweatenying cwouds, 
But nyevew tiww tonyight, nyevew tiww nyow, 
*sweats* Did I go uWu thwough a *cries* tempest dwopping fiwe. 
Eithew thewe is a civiw :33 stwife in heaven, 
Ow e-ewse the wowwd too saucy *pokes you* with the gods 
Incenses them to send *shuffles closer* destwuction. 
CICEWO. W-Why, *moans* saw you anything mowe wondewfuw? 
CASCA. A common s-swave- you knyow him weww ^w^ by sight- 
Hewd up his >w< weft hand, which did *pokes you* fwame and buwn 
Wike twenty towches join'd, and yet his h-hand 
Nyot sensibwe of fiwe wemain'd unscowch'd. 
Besides- I ha' nyot s-since p-put up my swowd- 
Against the Capitow I m-met a wion, 
Who gwaz'd upon me and went s-suwwy ^w^ by 
Without uWu annyoying me. And thewe wewe dwawn 
^-^ Upon a heap a hundwed g-ghastwy women 
Twansfowmed *pokes you* with t-theiw feaw, w-who >_> swowe they *moans* saw 
Men aww in fiwe wawk up and down the stweets. 
And *looks away* yestewday the biwd of nyight did sit 
Even at nyoonday upon the m-mawketpwace, 
:33 Howwing and s-shwieking. When these pwodigies 
Do so conjointwy x3 meet, wet nyot men say 
*shuffles closer* "These awe t-theiw weasons; they awe nyatuwaw": 
F-Fow I bewieve they awe p-powtentous things 
Unto the cwimate *sweats* that they point upon. 
CICEWO. I-Indeed, *moans* it is a stwange-disposed time. 
But men may *cries* constwue things aftew t-theiw f-fashion, 
Cwean fwom the puwpose of the things themsewves. 
Comes Caesaw to the Capitow tomowwow? 
CASCA. He doth, fow he did bid Antonyio 
xDD Send wowd to you he ^.^ wouwd be thewe tomowwow. 
CICEWO. Good then, *moans* Casca. This *cries* distuwbed sky 
*looks at you* Is nyot to wawk i-in. 
CASCA. Faweweww, xDD Cicewo. Exit xDD Cicewo. 

Entew *screams* Cassius. 

CASSIUS. Who's thewe? 
CASCA. A *notices bulge* Woman. 
CASSIUS. Casca, ^w^ by youw voice. 
CASCA. Youw eaw is good. C-Cassius, w-what nyight is this! 
CASSIUS. A vewy pweasing nyight to honyest men. 
CASCA. Who *giggles shyly* evew knyew the *leans over* heavens menyace *moans* so? 
CASSIUS. Those *sweats* that have *teleports behind you* knyown the eawth so fuww of fauwts. 
F-Fow my pawt, I have wawk'd a-about the stweets, 
Submitting me unto the pewiwous nyight, 
And t-thus unbwaced, Casca, as you see, 
Have *shuffles closer* bawed my bosom to the thundewstonye; 
And when the cwoss >_> bwue wightnying seem'd to open 
The b-bweast of heaven, I did ^.^ pwesent m-mysewf 
Even in the aim and vewy fwash of it. 
CASCA. But whewefowe did you so much tempt the heavens? 
It is the *cries* pawt of men to feaw and twembwe 
When the most mighty gods ^w^ by *sighs* tokens send 
*screams* Such dweadfuw h-hewawds to astonyish us. 
CASSIUS. Y-You awe duww, Casca, and those spawks of wife 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd be in a Woman you do *sighs* want, 
Ow e-ewse you use nyot. Y-You wook pawe and gaze 
And p-put *teleports behind you* on feaw and OwO cast youwsewf in wondew 
To see the stwange impatience of the heavens. 
But if you ^.^ wouwd considew the twue c-cause 
Why aww these fiwes, why aww these gwiding ghosts, 
Why *sighs* biwds and beasts fwom quawity and kind, 
Why owd men, foows, and chiwdwen cawcuwate, 
Why aww these things change fwom t-theiw owdinyance, 
T-Theiw nyatuwes, and pwefowmed facuwties 
To monstwous x3 quawity, why, you shaww find 
*teleports behind you* That heaven hath infused them *pokes you* with these spiwits 
To make them instwuments of feaw and wawnying 
Unto *blushes* some monstwous state. 
>_> Nyow couwd I, Casca, nyame to thee a man 
Most wike this dweadfuw nyight, 
*teleports behind you* That thundews, l-wightens, *cries* opens gwaves, and woaws 
As doth the wion in the Capitow, 
A man nyo >_< mightiew than thysewf *blushes* ow me 
In pewsonyaw action, yet OwO pwodigious g-gwown 
And f-feawfuw, as these stwange ewuptions awe. 
CASCA. 'Tis Caesaw *sweats* that you mean, is *moans* it nyot, Cassius? 
CASSIUS. Wet *moans* it be w-who *moans* it *screams* is, fow Womans n-nyow 
Have t-thews and wimbs wike to t-theiw ancestows. 
But, woe the whiwe! Ouw fathews' minds awe dead, 
And we awe govewn'd *pokes you* with o-ouw uWu mothews' spiwits; 
Ouw yoke and suffewance show us womanyish. 
CASCA. Indeed they say the senyatows t-tomowwow 
Mean to estabwish Caesaw as a king, 
And he shaww weaw his cwown ^w^ by *notices bulge* sea and wand 
In evewy pwace uWu save x3 hewe in I-Itawy. 
CASSIUS. I knyow whewe I wiww weaw this daggew then: 
Cassius fwom bondage wiww dewivew *screams* Cassius. 
Thewein, ye g-gods, you make the weak most s-stwong; 
Thewein, ye g-gods, you tywants do defeat. 
N-Nyow stony towew, n-nyow wawws of beaten bwass, 
N-Nyow aiwwess dungeon, n-nyow stwong winks of iwon 
C-Can be wetentive to the stwength of *sighs* spiwit; 
But l-wife, being weawy of these wowwdwy baws, 
Nyevew wacks *cries* powew to dismiss itsewf. 
If I knyow t-this, knyow aww the wowwd *teleports behind you* besides, 
*teleports behind you* That *cries* pawt of *sweats* tywanny *sweats* that I do beaw 
I can s-shake off at pweasuwe. Thundew stiww. 
CASCA. So can I. 
So evewy bondman in his own h-hand beaws 
The *cries* powew to *blushes* cancew his captivity. 
CASSIUS. And why shouwd Caesaw be a tywant then? 
Poow man! I knyow he ^.^ wouwd nyot be a wowf 
But *sweats* that he sees the Womans awe xDD but sheep. 
He wewe nyo wion, wewe nyot Womans hinds. 
Those *sweats* that *pokes you* with haste wiww make a mighty fiwe 
Begin *moans* it *pokes you* with weak stwaws. What twash is Wome, 
What wubbish, and w-what offaw, when *moans* it sewves 
F-Fow the base mattew to ;;w;; iwwuminyate 
So viwe a thing as Caesaw? But, O gwief, 
Whewe hast thou *looks away* wed me? I pewhaps speak this 
B-Befowe a wiwwing b-bondman; then I knyow 
My *sighs* answew must be made. But I am awm'd, 
And dangews awe to me indiffewent. 
CASCA. Y-You speak to Casca, and to such a man 
*teleports behind you* That is nyo fweewing teww-tawe. Howd, my hand. 
Be factious fow wedwess of aww these gwiefs, 
And I wiww set this f-foot of minye as faw 
As w-who goes *teleports behind you* fawthest. 
CASSIUS. >_> Thewe's a bawgain made. 
>_> Nyow knyow y-you, Casca, I have moved awweady 
Some cewtain of the n-nyobwest-minded Womans 
To undewgo *pokes you* with me an entewpwise 
Of honyowabwe-dangewous consequence; 
And I do knyow ^w^ by t-this, they >_< stay fow me 
In Pompey's Powch. F-Fow nyow, this f-feawfuw nyight, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo s-stiw *blushes* ow wawking in the stweets, 
And the compwexion of the ewement 
In favow's wike the wowk we have in hand, 
Most bwoody, fiewy, and most *screams* tewwibwe. 

Entew Cinnya. 

CASCA. Stand cwose awhiwe, fow x3 hewe c-comes onye in haste. 
CASSIUS. 'Tis Cinnya, I do knyow him ^w^ by his gait; 
He is a fwiend. Cinnya, whewe haste you *moans* so? 
CINNyA. To find out you. Who's that? >_> Metewwus Cimbew? 
CASSIUS. N-Nyo, *moans* it is Casca, onye incowpowate 
To o-ouw attempts. Am I nyot stay'd *notices bulge* fow, Cinnya? 
CINNyA. I am gwad on't. What a f-feawfuw nyight is this! 
>_> Thewe's xDD two *blushes* ow thwee of us have :33 seen stwange sights. 
CASSIUS. Am I nyot stay'd fow? Teww me. 
CINNyA. Yes, you awe. 
O C-Cassius, if you couwd 
But win the nyobwe Bwutus to o-ouw pawty- 
CASSIUS. Be you content. Good Cinnya, take this papew, 
And wook you *looks at you* way *moans* it in the p-pwaetow's chaiw, 
Whewe Bwutus may xDD but find it; and thwow this 
In at his w-window; set this up *pokes you* with wax 
^-^ Upon owd Bwutus' statue. Aww this donye, 
R-Wepaiw to Pompey's Powch, whewe you shaww find us. 
*looks at you* Is Decius Bwutus and Twebonyius thewe? 
CINNyA. Aww xDD but >_> Metewwus Cimbew, and he's g-gonye 
To seek you at youw house. *sighs* Weww, I wiww hie 
And so bestow these p-papews as you bade me. 
CASSIUS. *teleports behind you* That donye, r-wepaiw to Pompey's Theatwe. 
Exit Cinnya. 
Come, Casca, you and I wiww yet ewe day 
See Bwutus at his house. T-Thwee *hugs tightly* pawts of him 
*looks at you* Is ouws awweady, and the man *sweats* entiwe 
^-^ Upon the nyext encountew y-yiewds him ouws. 
CASCA. O, he sits ^.^ high in aww the peopwe's heawts, 
And *sweats* that which ^.^ wouwd appeaw o-offense in us, 
His countenyance, wike wichest awchemy, 
Wiww change to *hugs tightly* viwtue and to w-wowthinyess. 
CASSIUS. Him and his wowth and o-ouw gweat nyeed of him 
Y-You have wight weww conceited. Wet us *screams* go, 
F-Fow *moans* it is aftew midnyight, and ewe day 
We wiww *leans over* awake him and be suwe of him. *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 

Entew Bwutus in his owchawd. 

BWUTUS. What, Wucius, ho! 
I cannyot, ^w^ by the pwogwess of the staws, 
Give g-guess how nyeaw to day. Wucius, I say! 
I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe my fauwt to sweep so *notices bulge* soundwy. 
When, Wucius, when? :33 Awake, I say! What, Wucius! 

Entew *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

WUCIUS. Caww'd y-you, my wowd? 
BWUTUS. Get me a tapew in my s-study, *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
When *moans* it is wighted, come and *giggles shyly* caww me hewe. 
WUCIUS. I wiww, my l-wowd. *sweats* Exit. 
BWUTUS. It must be ^w^ by his death, and, fow my pawt, 
I knyow nyo pewsonyaw c-cause to spuwn at him, 
But fow the genyewaw. He ^.^ wouwd be cwown'd: 
H-How *sweats* that might change his nyatuwe, thewe's the q-question. 
It is the bwight day *sweats* that bwings f-fowth the addew 
And *sweats* that cwaves wawy wawking. *giggles shyly* Cwown him that, 
And then, I gwant, we p-put a xDD sting in him 
*teleports behind you* That at his wiww he may do d-dangew with. 
The abuse of *notices bulge* gweatnyess is when *moans* it d-disjoins 
Wemowse fwom powew, and, to speak uWu twuth of Caesaw, 
I have nyot *teleports behind you* knyown when his affections sway'd 
Mowe than his r-weason. But 'tis a common *giggles shyly* pwoof 
*teleports behind you* That wowwinyess is young ambition's waddew, 
Wheweto the cwimbew-upwawd tuwns his face; 
But when he once attains the upmost wound, 
He then unto the waddew tuwns his back, 
*looks at you* Wooks in the cwouds, scownying the base degwees 
By which he did ascend. So Caesaw may; 
Then, west he may, pwevent. And, s-since the quawwew 
Wiww beaw nyo cowow fow the thing he *screams* is, 
Fashion *moans* it :3 thus, *sweats* that w-what he *screams* is, augmented, 
Wouwd wun to these and these extwemities; 
And thewefowe think him as a s-sewpent's egg 
Which hatch'd ^.^ wouwd as his k-kind gwow mischievous, 
And kiww him in the sheww. 

We-entew *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

WUCIUS. The tapew b-buwnyeth in youw cwoset, siw. 
Seawching the window fow a fwint I ^w^ found 
This papew t-thus seaw'd up, and I am suwe 
It did nyot wie thewe when I went to *twerks* bed. 
Gives him the wettew. 
BWUTUS. Get you to b-bed again, *moans* it is nyot day. 
*looks at you* Is nyot tomowwow, boy, the ides of Mawch? 
WUCIUS. I knyow nyot, siw. 
BWUTUS. Wook in the cawendaw and b-bwing me wowd. 
WUCIUS. I wiww, siw. *sweats* Exit. 
BWUTUS. The exhawations whizzing in the a-aiw 
Give so much wight *sweats* that I may xDD wead ^w^ by them. 
Opens the wettew and weads. 
"Bwutus, thou sweep'st: *leans over* awake and see *blushes* thysewf! 
Shaww Wome, etc. Speak, *blushes* stwike, wedwess!" 

"Bwutus, thou sweep'st: a-awake!" 
*screams* Such instigations have been *looks away* often >_> dwopp'd 
Whewe I have t-took them up. 
"Shaww Wome, etc." Thus must I piece *moans* it ^w^ out. 
Shaww Wome *looks at you* stand undew onye man's awe? What, Wome? 
My ancestows did fwom the stweets of Wome 
The Tawquin dwive, when he was c-caww'd a king. 
"-"Speak, *blushes* stwike, wedwess!" Am I entweated 
To speak and stwike? O Wome, I make thee pwomise, 
If the wedwess wiww fowwow, thou weceivest 
Thy fuww petition at the h-hand of B-Bwutus! 

We-entew *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

WUCIUS. Siw, Mawch is wasted fifteen days. 
Knyocking *looks at you* within. 
BWUTUS. 'Tis good. Go to the gate, somebody knyocks. 
Exit *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
Since Cassius f-fiwst did *notices bulge* whet me against Caesaw 
I have nyot UwU swept. 
B-Between the acting of a dweadfuw thing 
And the f-fiwst UwU motion, aww the i-intewim is 
Wike a phantasma *blushes* ow a hideous dweam; 
The *looks at you* genyius and the mowtaw instwuments 
Awe then in counciw, and the state of m-man, 
Wike to a wittwe kingdom, suffews then 
The nyatuwe of an insuwwection. 

We-entew *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

WUCIUS. Siw, 'tis youw b-bwothew Cassius at the doow, 
Who doth desiwe to see you. 
BWUTUS. *looks at you* Is he awonye? 
WUCIUS. N-Nyo, siw, thewe awe mowe *pokes you* with him. 
BWUTUS. Do you knyow them? 
WUCIUS. N-Nyo, siw, t-theiw hats awe UwU pwuck'd a-about t-theiw :3 eaws, 
And h-hawf t-theiw faces buwied in t-theiw cwoaks, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by nyo means I may >_< discovew them 
By any mawk of favow. 
BWUTUS. Wet 'em entew. Exit *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
They awe the faction. O Conspiwacy, 
Shamest thou to show t-thy d-dangewous b-bwow ^w^ by nyight, 
When ^w^ eviws awe most fwee? O, then, ^w^ by day 
Whewe wiwt thou find a cavewn dawk enyough 
To mask t-thy monstwous visage? Seek nyonye, Conspiwacy; 
Hide *moans* it in smiwes and affabiwity; 
F-Fow if thou path, t-thy n-nyative sembwance on, 
Nyot *cuddles you* Ewebus i-itsewf wewe dim enyough 
To hide thee fwom pwevention. 

Entew the conspiwatows, C-Cassius, Casca, Decius, Cinnya, 
>_> Metewwus Cimbew, and T-Twebonyius. 

CASSIUS. I think we awe too bowd upon youw west. 
Good OwO mowwow, Bwutus, do we t-twoubwe you? 
BWUTUS. I have been up this houw, *leans over* awake aww nyight. 
Knyow I these men *sweats* that come awong *pokes you* with you? 
CASSIUS. Yes, evewy man of them, and nyo man x3 hewe 
But honyows y-you, and evewy onye doth wish 
Y-You h-had xDD but *sweats* that opinyion of youwsewf 
Which evewy nyobwe Woman beaws of you. 
This is T-Twebonyius. 
BWUTUS. He is wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
CASSIUS. This, Decius Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. He is wewcome too. 
CASSIUS. This, C-Casca; t-this, C-Cinnya; and t-this, >_> Metewwus *giggles shyly* Cimbew. 
BWUTUS. They awe aww wewcome. 
What watchfuw c-cawes do intewpose themsewves 
Betwixt youw eyes and nyight? 
CASSIUS. Shaww I entweat a wowd? They whispew. 
DECIUS. Hewe wies the east. Doth nyot the day bweak hewe? 
CASCA. Nyo. 
CINNyA. O, pawdon, siw, *moans* it doth, and :33 yongwey winyes 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* fwet the cwouds awe ;;w;; messengews of day. 
CASCA. Y-You shaww *cuddles you* confess *sweats* that you awe b-both deceived. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, as I point my swowd, the *moans* sun awises, 
Which is a gweat way gwowing *teleports behind you* on the south, 
Weighing the youthfuw season of the yeaw. 
Some xDD two m-months hence up highew towawd the n-nyowth 
He f-fiwst pwesents his fiwe, and the ^.^ high east 
*notices bulge* Stands as the Capitow, diwectwy hewe. 
BWUTUS. Give me youw h-hands aww ovew, onye ^w^ by onye. 
CASSIUS. And wet us sweaw o-ouw wesowution. 
BWUTUS. N-Nyo, nyot an oath. If nyot the *cuddles you* face of men, 
The suffewance of o-ouw souws, the time's a-abuse- 
If these be motives weak, bweak off betimes, 
And evewy man hence to his idwe bed; 
So wet high-sighted *sweats* tywanny *teleports behind you* wange *teleports behind you* on 
Tiww each man dwop ^w^ by wottewy. But if these, 
As I am suwe they do, beaw fiwe enyough 
To kindwe cowawds and to steew *pokes you* with v-vawow 
The mewting spiwits of women, then, countwymen, 
What nyeed we any spuw xDD but o-ouw own c-cause 
To pwick us to wedwess? What othew bond 
*notices bulge* Than secwet Womans *sweats* that have s-spoke the wowd 
And wiww nyot pawtew? And w-what othew oath 
*notices bulge* Than xDD honyesty to xDD honyesty e-engaged 
*teleports behind you* That this shaww be *blushes* ow we wiww faww fow it? 
Sweaw pwiests and cowawds and men cautewous, 
O-Owd feebwe *moans* cawwions and such suffewing s-souws 
*teleports behind you* That wewcome wwongs; unto UwU bad c-causes sweaw 
*screams* Such cweatuwes as men doubt; xDD but do nyot stain 
The even *hugs tightly* viwtue of o-ouw entewpwise, 
N-Nyow the i-insuppwessive >_> mettwe of o-ouw spiwits, 
To think *sweats* that *blushes* ow o-ouw c-cause *blushes* ow o-ouw pewfowmance 
*sweats* Did nyeed an oath; when evewy dwop of b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That evewy Woman beaws, and nyobwy beaws, 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* guiwty of a sevewaw bastawdy 
If he do bweak the :3 smawwest pawticwe 
Of any pwomise *sweats* that hath pass'd fwom him. 
CASSIUS. But w-what of Cicewo? Shaww we s-sound him? 
I think he wiww *looks at you* stand vewy stwong *pokes you* with us. 
CASCA. Wet us nyot weave him ^w^ out. 
CINNyA. N-Nyo, ^w^ by nyo means. 
M-METEWWUS. O, wet us have him, fow his siwvew haiws 
Wiww puwchase us a good opinyion, 
And b-buy men's voices to commend o-ouw deeds. 
It shaww be s-said his judgement wuwed o-ouw hands; 
Ouw uWu youths and wiwdnyess shaww nyo w-whit appeaw, 
But aww be buwied in his gwavity. 
BWUTUS. O, nyame him nyot; wet us nyot bweak *pokes you* with him, 
F-Fow he wiww nyevew f-fowwow anything 
*teleports behind you* That othew men begin. 
CASSIUS. T-Then weave him ^w^ out. 
CASCA. Indeed he is nyot fit. 
DECIUS. Shaww nyo man e-ewse be t-touch'd xDD but onwy Caesaw? 
CASSIUS. Decius, weww *screams* uwged. I think *moans* it is nyot meet 
Mawk Antony, so weww bewoved of Caesaw, 
Shouwd o-outwive Caesaw. We shaww find of him 
A shwewd contwivew; and you knyow his UwU means, 
If he impwove them, may weww stwetch so faw 
As to annyoy us a-aww, which to pwevent, 
Wet *teleports behind you* Antony and Caesaw faww togethew. 
BWUTUS. Ouw *blushes* couwse wiww seem too bwoody, C-Caius C-Cassius, 
To cut the *sweats* head off and then h-hack the wimbs 
Wike wwath in death and envy aftewwawds; 
F-Fow *teleports behind you* Antony is xDD but a l-wimb of Caesaw. 
Wet us be sacwificews, xDD but nyot butchews, Caius. 
We aww *looks at you* stand up against the spiwit of Caesaw, 
And in the spiwit of men thewe is nyo bwood. 
O, *sweats* that we then couwd come ^w^ by Caesaw's spiwit, 
And nyot dismembew Caesaw! But, awas, 
Caesaw must bweed fow it! And, g-gentwe fwiends, 
Wet's kiww him *hugs tightly* bowdwy, xDD but nyot wwathfuwwy; 
Wet's cawve him as a >_< dish fit fow the g-gods, 
Nyot hew him as a cawcass fit fow hounds; 
And wet o-ouw heawts, as subtwe mastews do, 
Stiw up t-theiw sewvants to an act of wage 
And aftew seem to chide 'em. This shaww make 
Ouw puwpose nyecessawy and nyot envious, 
Which so UwU appeawing to the common e-eyes, 
We shaww be c-caww'd puwgews, nyot uWu muwdewews. 
And fow Mawk Antony, think nyot of him, 
F-Fow he can do nyo mowe than Caesaw's awm 
When Caesaw's *sweats* head is off. 
CASSIUS. Y-Yet I feaw him, 
F-Fow in the ingwated wove he beaws to *moans* Caesaw- 
BWUTUS. A-Awas, good C-Cassius, do nyot think of him. 
If he wove Caesaw, aww *sweats* that he can do 
*looks at you* Is to ^.^ himsewf, take thought and die fow Caesaw. 
And *sweats* that wewe much he shouwd, fow he is given 
To s-spowts, to wiwdnyess, and much company. 
TWEBONyIUS. *cries* Thewe is nyo feaw in :3 him-wet him nyot die, 
F-Fow he wiww wive and *looks at you* waugh at this h-heweaftew. 
Cwock stwikes. 
BWUTUS. >w< Peace, count the cwock. 
CASSIUS. The cwock hath stwicken thwee. 
TWEBONyIUS. 'Tis time to pawt. 
CASSIUS. But *moans* it is doubtfuw yet 
Whethew Caesaw wiww come f-fowth t-today *blushes* ow nyo, 
F-Fow he is supewstitious g-gwown of wate, 
x3 Quite fwom the *cries* main opinyion he hewd once 
Of fantasy, of UwU dweams, and cewemonyies. 
It may be these appawent p-pwodigies, 
The unyaccustom'd tewwow of this nyight, 
And the pewsuasion of his auguwews 
May howd him fwom the Capitow t-today. 
DECIUS. Nyevew feaw that. If he be so wesowved, 
I can o'ewsway him, fow he woves to heaw 
*teleports behind you* That unyicowns may be betway'd *pokes you* with twees, 
And beaws *pokes you* with g-gwasses, ewephants *pokes you* with howes, 
Wions *pokes you* with *blushes* toiws, and men *pokes you* with x3 fwattewews; 
But when I teww him he hates fwattewews, 
He says he does, being then most ^.^ fwattewed. 
Wet me wowk; 
F-Fow I can give his humow the twue b-bent, 
And I wiww b-bwing him to the Capitow. 
CASSIUS. Nyay, we wiww aww of us be thewe to fetch him. 
BWUTUS. By the eighth houw. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that the uttew most? 
CINNyA. Be *sweats* that the uttewmost, and *sweats* faiw nyot UwU then. 
M-METEWWUS. C-Caius Wigawius doth beaw Caesaw hawd, 
Who wated him fow speaking weww of Pompey. 
I wondew nyonye of you have thought of him. 
BWUTUS. Nyow, good Metewwus, go awong ^w^ by him. 
He woves me weww, and I have given him weasons; 
xDD Send him xDD but h-hithew, and I'ww fashion him. 
CASSIUS. The mownying c-comes upon 's. We'ww weave y-you, Bwutus, 
And, fwiends, dispewse *cuddles you* youwsewves, xDD but aww wemembew 
What you have s-said and show youwsewves twue Womans. 
BWUTUS. Good gentwemen, wook fwesh and mewwiwy; 
Wet nyot o-ouw wooks p-put *teleports behind you* on o-ouw puwposes, 
But beaw *moans* it as o-ouw Woman actows do, 
With untiwed spiwits and fowmaw ^-^ constancy. 
And so, good mowwow to you evewy onye. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Bwutus. 
Boy! Wucius! Fast asweep? It is nyo mattew. 
Enjoy the honyey-heavy dew of swumbew; 
*moans* Thou hast nyo figuwes n-nyow nyo fantasies, 
Which busy OwO cawe dwaws in the xDD bwains of men; 
Thewefowe thou sweep'st so sound. 

Entew P-Powtia. 

POWTIA. Bwutus, my wowd! 
BWUTUS. Powtia, w-what *looks at you* mean you? Whewefowe wise you nyow? 
It is nyot fow youw heawth t-thus to commit 
Youw weak condition to the r-waw cowd *pokes you* mownying. 
POWTIA. N-Nyow fow youws *leans over* nyeithew. have ungentwy, Bwutus, 
Stowe fwom my bed; and yestewnyight at suppew 
Y-You suddenwy awose and wawk'd about, 
^w^ Musing and >_< sighing, *pokes you* with youw awms acwoss; 
And when I ask'd you w-what the mattew was, 
Y-You stawed upon me *pokes you* with ungentwe wooks. 
I uwged you f-fuwthew; then you scwatch'd youw head, 
And too *pokes you* impatientwy stamp'd *pokes you* with youw foot. 
Y-Yet I i-insisted, yet you answew'd nyot, 
But *pokes you* with an *cries* angwy waitew of youw h-hand 
*cries* Gave sign fow me to weave you. So I did, 
^w^ Feawing to stwengthen *sweats* that impatience 
Which seem'd too much enkindwed, and *shuffles closer* withaw 
H-Hoping *moans* it was xDD but an effect of humow, 
Which sometime hath his houw *pokes you* with evewy *pokes you* man. 
It wiww nyot wet you eat, n-nyow tawk, n-nyow sweep, 
And, couwd *moans* it wowk so much upon youw shape 
As *moans* it hath much p-pwevaiw'd *teleports behind you* on youw condition, 
I shouwd nyot knyow y-you, Bwutus. Deaw my wowd, 
Make me acquainted *pokes you* with youw c-cause of gwief. 
BWUTUS. I am nyot weww in heawth, and *sweats* that is aww. 
POWTIA. Bwutus is wise, and, wewe he nyot in heawth, 
He ^.^ wouwd embwace the means to come ^w^ by it. 
BWUTUS. W-Why, so I do. Good Powtia, go to *twerks* bed. 
POWTIA. *looks at you* Is Bwutus sick, and is *moans* it *giggles shyly* physicaw 
To wawk ;;w;; unbwaced and s-suck up the *shuffles closer* humows 
Of the dank mownying? What, is Bwutus sick, 
And wiww he s-steaw out of his whowesome b-bed 
To dawe the viwe contagion of the nyight 
And tempt the wheumy and unpuwged a-aiw 
To add unto his sicknyess? N-Nyo, my Bwutus, 
Y-You have *blushes* some sick o-offense within youw *leans over* mind, 
Which ^w^ by the wight and *hugs tightly* viwtue of my pwace 
I ought to knyow of; and, upon my knyees, 
I chawm y-you, ^w^ by my once c-commended beauty, 
By aww youw vows of wove and *sweats* that gweat vow 
Which did incowpowate and make us ^.^ onye, 
*teleports behind you* That you u-unfowd to me, youwsewf, youw h-hawf, 
Why you awe heavy and w-what men tonyight 
Have h-had wesowt to you; fow x3 hewe have been 
Some ^-^ six *blushes* ow seven, w-who did hide t-theiw faces 
Even fwom dawknyess. 
BWUTUS. Knyeew nyot, g-gentwe P-Powtia. 
POWTIA. I shouwd nyot nyeed, if you wewe g-gentwe Bwutus. 
Within the bond of mawwiage, teww me, Bwutus, 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it excepted I shouwd knyow nyo secwets 
*teleports behind you* That appewtain to you? Am I youwsewf 
But, as *moans* it wewe, in sowt *blushes* ow wimitation, 
To keep *pokes you* with you at meaws, comfowt youw bed, 
And tawk to you sometimes? Dweww I xDD but in the OwO subuwbs 
Of youw good pweasuwe? If *moans* it be nyo mowe, 
Powtia is Bwutus' hawwot, nyot his wife. 
BWUTUS. Y-You awe my twue and honyowabwe wife, 
As deaw to me as awe the wuddy *sighs* dwops 
*teleports behind you* That visit my sad heawt. 
POWTIA. If this wewe twue, then shouwd I knyow this secwet. 
I gwant I am a woman, xDD but *shuffles closer* withaw 
A woman *sweats* that Wowd Bwutus t-took to wife. 
I gwant I am a woman, xDD but *shuffles closer* withaw 
A woman weww weputed, Cato's daughtew. 
Think you I am nyo stwongew than my *notices bulge* sex, 
Being so >_> fathew'd and so husbanded? 
Teww me youw counsews, I wiww nyot discwose 'em. 
I have made stwong *giggles shyly* pwoof of my constancy, 
Giving m-mysewf a v-vowuntawy ^.^ wound 
Hewe in the thigh. C-Can I beaw *sweats* that *pokes you* with p-patience 
And nyot my husband's secwets? 
BWUTUS. O ye g-gods, 
Wendew me wowthy of this nyobwe wife! Knyocking *looks at you* within. 
Hawk, hawk, onye knyocks. Powtia, go in awhiwe, 
And ^w^ by and ^w^ by t-thy bosom shaww pawtake 
The secwets of my heawt. 
Aww my engagements I wiww *cries* constwue to ^w^ thee, 
Aww the *moans* chawactewy of my sad bwows. 
L-Weave me *pokes you* with haste. [Exit Powtia.] Wucius, who's *sweats* that knyocks? 

We-entew Wucius *pokes you* with Wigawius. 

WUCIUS. Hewe is a sick man *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
BWUTUS. C-Caius *notices bulge* Wigawius, *sweats* that >_> Metewwus spake of. 
Boy, *looks at you* stand aside. C-Caius *notices bulge* Wigawius, how? 
WIGAWIUS. Vouchsafe good mowwow fwom a feebwe tongue. 
BWUTUS. O, w-what a time have you chose *pokes you* out, bwave C-Caius, 
To weaw a kewchief! Wouwd you wewe nyot sick! 
WIGAWIUS. I am nyot sick, if Bwutus have in h-hand 
Any xDD expwoit wowthy the nyame of honyow. 
BWUTUS. *screams* Such an xDD expwoit have I in hand, *notices bulge* Wigawius, 
Had you a heawthfuw eaw to heaw of it. 
WIGAWIUS. By aww the gods *sweats* that Womans bow befowe, 
I x3 hewe discawd my s-sicknyess! S-Souw of Wome! 
Bwave son, dewived fwom honyowabwe woins! 
x3 Thou, wike an exowcist, hast *sweats* conjuwed up 
My mowtified spiwit. >_> Nyow bid me ^-^ wun, 
And I wiww stwive *pokes you* with things impossibwe, 
Yea, get the bettew of them. What's to do? 
BWUTUS. A piece of wowk *sweats* that wiww make sick men whowe. 
WIGAWIUS. But awe nyot *blushes* some whowe *sweats* that we must make sick? 
BWUTUS. *teleports behind you* That must we *teleports behind you* awso. What *moans* it *screams* is, my C-Caius, 
I shaww u-unfowd to ^w^ thee, as we awe g-going 
To whom *moans* it must be donye. 
WIGAWIUS. Set *teleports behind you* on youw foot, 
And *pokes you* with a heawt UwU nyew-fiwed I f-fowwow y-you, 
To do I knyow nyot what; xDD but *moans* it *sighs* sufficeth 
*teleports behind you* That Bwutus weads me on. 
BWUTUS. Fowwow me UwU then. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Caesaw's house. Thundew and xDD wightnying. 

Entew Caesaw, in his n-nyightgown. 

*looks at you* CAESAW. N-Nyow heaven n-nyow eawth have been at peace t-tonyight. 
Thwice hath *moans* Cawpuwnyia in h-hew sweep cwied *pokes you* out, 
"Hewp, ho! They muwthew C-Caesaw!" Who's within? 

Entew a Sewvant. 

SEWVANT. My wowd? 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Go bid the pwiests do ^.^ pwesent s-sacwifice, 
And b-bwing me t-theiw opinyions of success. 
SEWVANT. I wiww, my l-wowd. *sweats* Exit. 

Entew Cawpuwnyia. 

CAWPUWNyIA. What *looks at you* mean y-you, Caesaw? Think you to wawk fowth? 
Y-You shaww nyot s-stiw out of youw h-house t-today. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Caesaw shaww fowth: the things *sweats* that thweaten'd me 
Nye'ew wook'd xDD but *teleports behind you* on my back; when they shaww see 
The *cuddles you* face of Caesaw, they awe vanyished. 
CAWPUWNyIA. Caesaw, I I stood *teleports behind you* on cewemonyies, 
Y-Yet n-nyow they fwight me. *cries* Thewe is onye within, 
Besides the things *sweats* that we have h-heawd and seen, 
Wecounts most howwid uWu sights :33 seen ^w^ by the watch. 
A wionyess hath whewped in the stweets; 
And gwaves have yawn'd, and xDD yiewded up t-theiw d-dead; 
>_< Fiewce f-fiewy wawwiows fight upon the cwouds, 
In wanks and squadwons and wight *sighs* fowm of waw, 
Which dwizzwed b-bwood upon the Capitow; 
The nyoise of battwe huwtwed in the aiw, 
*cries* Howses did nyeigh and dying men did gwoan, 
And ghosts did shwiek and squeaw a-about the stweets. 
O Caesaw! These things awe beyond aww use, 
And I do feaw them. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What can be avoided 
Whose end is puwposed ^w^ by the mighty gods? 
Y-Yet Caesaw shaww go fowth, fow these pwedictions 
Awe to the wowwd in *screams* genyewaw as to Caesaw. 
CAWPUWNyIA. When b-beggaws die, thewe awe nyo comets ^-^ seen; 
The *leans over* heavens themsewves bwaze f-fowth the death of pwinces. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. :33 Cowawds die many times befowe t-theiw d-deaths; 
The vawiant nyevew taste of death xDD but once. 
Of aww the wondews *sweats* that I yet have heawd, 
It seems to me most stwange *sweats* that men shouwd feaw 
Seeing *sweats* that death, a nyecessawy end, 
Wiww come when *moans* it wiww come. 

We-entew Sewvant. 

What say the auguwews? 
SEWVANT. They ^.^ wouwd nyot have you to s-stiw f-fowth t-today. 
*looks at you* Pwucking the entwaiws of an offewing fowth, 
They couwd nyot find a heawt within the beast. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. The gods do this in shame of cowawdice. 
Caesaw shouwd be a beast without a heawt 
If he shouwd >_< stay at h-home t-today fow *pokes you* feaw. 
N-Nyo, Caesaw shaww nyot. D-Dangew *looks away* knyows fuww weww 
*teleports behind you* That Caesaw is mowe d-dangewous than he. 
We awe xDD two wions wittew'd in onye day, 
And I the ewdew and mowe *screams* tewwibwe. 
And Caesaw shaww go fowth. 
CAWPUWNyIA. A-Awas, my wowd, 
Youw wisdom is consumed in confidence. 
Do nyot go f-fowth t-today. Caww *moans* it my feaw 
*teleports behind you* That keeps you in the h-house and nyot youw own. 
We'ww send Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony to the Senyate House, 
And he shaww say you awe nyot weww t-today. 
Wet me, upon my xDD knyee, p-pwevaiw in this. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony shaww say I am nyot weww, 
And, fow t-thy humow, I wiww >_< stay at home. 

Entew Decius. 

H-Hewe's Decius Bwutus, he shaww teww them so. 
DECIUS. Caesaw, aww *notices bulge* haiw! Good OwO mowwow, wowthy Caesaw! 
I come to fetch you to the Senyate House. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. And you awe come in vewy happy time 
To beaw my gweeting to the senyatows 
And teww them *sweats* that I wiww nyot come t-today. 
^.^ Cannyot, is fawse, and *sweats* that I dawe nyot, *moans* fawsew: 
I wiww nyot come t-today. Teww them so, Decius. 
CAWPUWNyIA. Say he is sick. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Shaww Caesaw send a wie? 
Have I in *moans* conquest s-stwetch'd minye awm so faw 
To be afeawd to teww gweybeawds the twuth? 
Decius, go teww them Caesaw wiww nyot come. 
DECIUS. Most mighty Caesaw, wet me knyow *blushes* some x3 cause, 
West I be l-waugh'd at when I teww them so. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. The c-cause is in my wiww: I wiww nyot come, 
*teleports behind you* That is enyough to satisfy the Senyate. 
But, fow youw pwivate satisfaction, 
*screams* Because I wove y-you, I wiww wet you knyow. 
*moans* Cawpuwnyia hewe, my wife, stays me at home; 
She dweamt tonyight she *moans* saw my statue, 
Which, wike a fountain *pokes you* with an hundwed spouts, 
*sweats* Did wun puwe b-bwood, and many l-wusty Womans 
*teleports behind you* Came *notices bulge* smiwing and did bathe t-theiw h-hands in it. 
And these does she a-appwy fow wawnyings and powtents 
And ^w^ eviws imminyent, and *teleports behind you* on h-hew k-knyee 
Hath begg'd *sweats* that I wiww >_< stay at h-home t-today. 
DECIUS. This d-dweam is aww amiss intewpweted; 
It was a vision *looks at you* faiw and fowtunyate. 
Youw statue spouting b-bwood in many pipes, 
In which so many *notices bulge* smiwing Womans bathed, 
Signyifies *sweats* that fwom you gweat Wome shaww s-suck 
Weviving b-bwood, and *sweats* that gweat men shaww pwess 
F-Fow *screams* tinctuwes, stains, *pokes you* wewics, and cognyizance. 
This ^w^ by Cawpuwnyia's d-dweam is signyified. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. And this way have you weww expounded it. 
DECIUS. I h-have, when you have h-heawd w-what I can say. 
And knyow *moans* it nyow, the Senyate have concwuded 
To give this day a cwown to mighty Caesaw. 
If you shaww send them wowd you wiww nyot come, 
T-Theiw minds may change. Besides, *moans* it wewe a mock 
*looks at you* Apt to be r-wendew'd, fow someonye to say 
"-"Bweak up the Senyate tiww anyothew time, 
When Caesaw's wife shaww meet *pokes you* with bettew dweams." 
If Caesaw hide ^.^ himsewf, shaww they nyot whispew 
"Wo, Caesaw is afwaid"? 
Pawdon me, Caesaw, fow my deaw deaw wove 
To youw pwoceeding b-bids me teww you t-this, 
And weason to my wove is wiabwe. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. H-How foowish do youw feaws seem nyow, Cawpuwnyia! 
I am ashamed I did y-yiewd to them. 
Give me my wobe, fow I wiww go. 

Entew Pubwius, Bwutus, *notices bulge* Wigawius, Metewwus, Casca, 
Twebonyius, and Cinnya. 

And wook whewe Pubwius is come to fetch me. 
PUBWIUS. Good mowwow,Caesaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Wewcome, Pubwius. 
What, Bwutus, awe you stiww'd so eawwy too? 
Good OwO mowwow, *moans* Casca. C-Caius *notices bulge* Wigawius, 
Caesaw was nye'ew so much youw enyemy 
As *sweats* that same a-ague which hath made you wean. 
What is't o'cwock? 
BWUTUS. Caesaw, 'tis s-stwucken eight. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I t-thank you fow youw pains and couwtesy. 

Entew Antony. 

See, Antony, *sweats* that wevews wong o' nyights, 
*looks at you* Is nyotwithstanding up. Good OwO mowwow, Antony. 
ANTONY. So to most nyobwe Caesaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. B-Bid them p-pwepawe *looks at you* within. 
I am to bwame to be t-thus *pokes you* waited *shuffles closer* fow. 
Nyow, C-Cinnya; nyow, Metewwus; what, Twebonyius, 
I have an houw's tawk in stowe fow you; 
Wemembew *sweats* that you *giggles shyly* caww *teleports behind you* on me *shuffles closer* today; 
Be nyeaw me, *sweats* that I may wemembew you. 
TWEBONyIUS. Caesaw, I wiww. [-[Aside.] And so nyeaw wiww I be 
*teleports behind you* That youw best fwiends shaww wish I h-had been fuwthew. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Good fwiends, go in and taste *blushes* some winye *pokes you* with me, 
And we wike fwiends wiww stwaightway go togethew. 
BWUTUS. [-[Aside.] *teleports behind you* That evewy wike is nyot the same, O Caesaw, 
The heawt of Bwutus yeawns to think upon! *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A UwU stweet nyeaw the Capitow. 

Entew Awtemidowus, r-weading papew. 

AWTEMIDOWUS. "-"Caesaw, *looks away* bewawe of *sighs* Bwutus; take heed of *shuffles closer* Cassius; come 
nyot nyeaw C-Casca; have an eye to C-Cinnya; twust nyot Twebonyius; mawk 
weww >_> Metewwus Cimbew; Decius Bwutus woves thee nyot; thou hast 
wwonged C-Caius Wigawius. *cries* Thewe is xDD but onye mind in aww these men, 
and *moans* it is bent against Caesaw. If thou beest nyot i-immowtaw, wook 
a-about you. *moans* Secuwity gives way to conspiwacy. The mighty gods 
defend thee! 
Thy wovew, Awtemidowus." 
Hewe wiww I *looks at you* stand tiww Caesaw pass a-awong, 
And as a suitow wiww I give him this. 
My heawt waments *sweats* that *hugs tightly* viwtue cannyot wive 
Out of the teeth of emuwation. 
If thou xDD wead t-this, O Caesaw, thou mayest wive; 
If nyot, the *screams* Fates *pokes you* with t-twaitows do c-contwive. *sweats* Exit. 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the same stweet, befowe the h-house of Bwutus. 

Entew Powtia and *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

POWTIA. I pwithee, boy, wun to the Senyate House; 
Stay nyot to *sighs* answew me, xDD but get thee gonye. 
Why dost thou s-stay? 
WUCIUS. To knyow my ewwand, madam. 
POWTIA. I ^.^ wouwd have h-had thee thewe, and x3 hewe again, 
Ewe I can teww thee w-what thou shouwdst do thewe. 
O constancy, be stwong upon my side! 
Set a huge mountain *looks at you* 'tween my heawt and tongue! 
I have a man's *leans over* mind, xDD but a woman's m-might. 
H-How hawd *moans* it is fow women to keep counsew! 
Awt thou x3 hewe yet? 
WUCIUS. Madam, w-what shouwd I do? 
Wun to the Capitow, and nyothing ewse? 
And so r-wetuwn to y-you, and nyothing ewse? 
POWTIA. Yes, b-bwing me wowd, boy, if t-thy *hugs tightly* wowd wook weww, 
F-Fow he went sickwy fowth; and take good *pokes you* nyote 
What Caesaw doth, w-what suitows pwess to him. 
Hawk, boy, w-what nyoise is that? 
WUCIUS. I heaw nyonye, madam. 
POWTIA. Pwithee, l-wisten weww. 
I h-heawd a bustwing wumow wike a f-fway, 
And the *cuddles you* wind bwings *moans* it fwom the Capitow. 
WUCIUS. Sooth, *looks at you* madam, I heaw n-nyothing. 

Entew the Soothsayew. 

POWTIA. Come h-hithew, fewwow; 
Which way hast thou b-been? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. At minye own *notices bulge* house, good wady. 
POWTIA. What is't o'cwock? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. About the nyinth houw, wady. 
POWTIA. *looks at you* Is Caesaw yet g-gonye to the Capitow? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. Madam, nyot yet. I go to take my *looks at you* stand 
To see him pass *teleports behind you* on to the Capitow. 
POWTIA. *moans* Thou hast *blushes* some suit to Caesaw, hast thou nyot? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. *teleports behind you* That I h-have, wady. If *moans* it wiww pwease Caesaw 
To be so good to Caesaw as to heaw me, 
I shaww beseech him to befwiend h-himsewf. 
POWTIA. W-Why, knyow'st thou any h-hawm's intended towawds him? 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. *cuddles you* Nyonye *sweats* that I knyow wiww be, much *sweats* that I feaw may chance. 
Good mowwow to you. Hewe the UwU stweet is nyawwow, 
The x3 thwong *sweats* that f-fowwows Caesaw at the heews, 
Of senyatows, of pwaetows, common suitows, 
Wiww cwowd a feebwe man awmost to death. 
I'ww get me to a pwace mowe void and thewe 
Speak to gweat Caesaw as he c-comes ^.^ awong. *sweats* Exit. 
POWTIA. I must go i-in. *looks at you* Ay me, how weak a thing 
The heawt of woman is! O Bwutus, 
The *leans over* heavens speed thee in thinye entewpwise! 
Suwe, the *cries* boy h-heawd me. Bwutus hath a suit 
*teleports behind you* That Caesaw wiww nyot *sweats* gwant. O, I gwow x3 faint. 
Wun, Wucius, and commend me to my wowd; 
Say I am mewwy. Come to me again, 
And b-bwing me wowd w-what he doth say to thee. 
UwU Exeunt s-sevewawwy. 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Wome. B-Befowe the Capitow; the Senyate sitting above. 
A cwowd of peopwe, among them *screams* Awtemidowus and the Soothsayew. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew Caesaw, Bwutus, C-Cassius, Casca, Decius, Metewwus, 
Twebonyius, Cinnya, Antony, Wepidus, Popiwius, Pubwius, and o-othews. 

*looks at you* CAESAW. The ides of Mawch awe come. 
OwO SOOTHSAYEW. :33 Ay, Caesaw, xDD but nyot gonye. 
A *blushes* Haiw, Caesaw! Wead this scheduwe. 
DECIUS. Twebonyius doth desiwe you to o'ew wead, 
At youw best *screams* weisuwe, this his humbwe suit. 
AWTEMIDOWUS. O Caesaw, xDD wead minye fiwst, fow minye's a suit 
*teleports behind you* That touches Caesaw nyeawew. Wead it, gweat Caesaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What touches us ouwsewf shaww be wast sewved. 
AWTEMIDOWUS. D-Deway nyot, Caesaw; xDD wead *moans* it instantwy. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What, is the fewwow m-mad? 
PUBWIUS. S-Siwwah, give pwace. 
CASSIUS. What, uwge you youw petitions in the stweet? 
Come to the Capitow. 

Caesaw goes up to the Senyate House, the west fowwow. 

POPIWIUS. I wish youw entewpwise t-today may *teleports behind you* thwive. 
CASSIUS. What entewpwise, Popiwius? 
POPIWIUS. Fawe you weww. 
Advances to Caesaw. 
BWUTUS. What s-said *looks away* Popiwius *giggles shyly* Wenya? 
CASSIUS. He wish'd t-today o-ouw entewpwise might *teleports behind you* thwive. 
I feaw o-ouw puwpose is d-discovewed. 
BWUTUS. Wook, how he makes to Caesaw. Mawk him. 
CASSIUS. Casca, 
Be sudden, fow we feaw pwevention. 
Bwutus, w-what shaww be donye? If this be knyown, 
Cassius *blushes* ow Caesaw nyevew shaww tuwn back, 
F-Fow I wiww *cuddles you* sway mysewf. 
BWUTUS. C-Cassius, be c-constant. 
*looks away* Popiwius Wenya speaks nyot of o-ouw puwposes; 
Fow, wook, he smiwes, and Caesaw doth nyot change. 
CASSIUS. Twebonyius *looks away* knyows his time, *notices bulge* fow, wook y-you, Bwutus, 
He dwaws Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony out of the way. 
UwU Exeunt *teleports behind you* Antony and T-Twebonyius. 
DECIUS. Whewe is >_> Metewwus Cimbew? Wet him 
And p-pwesentwy pwefew his suit to Caesaw. 
BWUTUS. He is addwess'd; pwess nyeaw and second him. 
CINNyA. Casca, you awe the f-fiwst *sweats* that *screams* weaws youw hand. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Awe we aww weady? What is n-nyow amiss 
*teleports behind you* That Caesaw and his Senyate must wedwess? 
M-METEWWUS. Most *looks at you* high, most mighty, and most puissant Caesaw, 
>_> Metewwus C-Cimbew thwows befowe t-thy seat 
*looks at you* An humbwe heawt. Knyeews. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I must pwevent ^w^ thee, *giggles shyly* Cimbew. 
These couchings and these wowwy couwtesies 
Might fiwe the b-bwood of owdinyawy men 
And tuwn pweowdinyance and f-fiwst :3 decwee 
Into the waw of chiwdwen. Be nyot fond 
To think *sweats* that Caesaw beaws such webew b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That wiww be t-thaw'd fwom the twue quawity 
With *sweats* that which mewteth foows- I *looks at you* mean sweet wowds, 
Wow-cwooked c-couwt'sies, and base spanyiew-fawnying. 
Thy b-bwothew ^w^ by :3 decwee is banyished. 
If thou dost *looks away* bend and pway and fawn fow him, 
I spuwn thee wike a *teleports behind you* cuw out of my way. 
Knyow, Caesaw doth nyot wwong, n-nyow without c-cause 
Wiww he be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
M-METEWWUS. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo *cuddles you* voice mowe wowthy than my o-own, 
To s-sound mowe sweetwy in gweat Caesaw's eaw 
F-Fow the wepeawing of my banyish'd b-bwothew? 
BWUTUS. I kiss t-thy hand, xDD but nyot in fwattewy, Caesaw, 
Desiwing thee *sweats* that Pubwius C-Cimbew may 
Have an immediate fweedom of wepeaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. What, Bwutus? 
CASSIUS. Pawdon, Caesaw! Caesaw, pawdon! 
As OwO wow as to t-thy f-foot doth Cassius faww 
To beg enfwanchisement fow Pubwius *giggles shyly* Cimbew. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. I couwd be weww moved, if I wewe as you; 
If I couwd pway to m-move, pwayews ^.^ wouwd move me; 
But I am constant as the nyowthewn staw, 
Of :33 whose twue-fix'd and r-westing quawity 
*cries* Thewe is nyo fewwow in the fiwmament. 
The skies awe ;;w;; painted *pokes you* with *shuffles closer* unnyumbew'd spawks; 
They awe aww fiwe and evewy onye doth shinye; 
But thewe's xDD but onye in aww doth howd his pwace. 
So in the wowwd, 'tis fuwnyish'd weww *pokes you* with men, 
And men awe UwU fwesh and b-bwood, and appwehensive; 
Y-Yet in the nyumbew I do knyow xDD but onye 
*teleports behind you* That unyassaiwabwe howds *teleports behind you* on his wank, 
Unshaked of motion; and *sweats* that I am he, 
Wet me a wittwe show it, even in this; 
*teleports behind you* That I was constant C-Cimbew shouwd be banyish'd, 
And constant do wemain to keep him so. 
CINNyA. O *moans* Caesaw- 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Hence! Wiwt thou l-wift up Owympus? 
DECIUS. G-Gweat *moans* Caesaw- 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Doth nyot Bwutus bootwess *notices bulge* knyeew? 
CASCA. Speak, uWu hands, fow me! 
Casca fiwst, then the othew Conspiwatows 
and Mawcus Bwutus stab Caesaw. 
*looks at you* CAESAW. Et *pokes you* tu, Bwute?- T-Then faww, Caesaw! Dies. 
CINNyA. Wibewty! Fweedom! *screams* Tywanny is dead! 
Wun hence, ;;w;; pwocwaim, cwy *moans* it a-about the stweets. 
CASSIUS. Some to the common p-puwpits and cwy out 
"Wibewty, fweedom, and enfwanchisement!" 
BWUTUS. Peopwe and senyatows, be nyot affwighted, 
Fwy nyot, *looks at you* stand stiww; ambition's debt is paid. 
CASCA. Go to the puwpit, Bwutus. 
DECIUS. And Cassius too. 
BWUTUS. Whewe's ^.^ Pubwius? 
CINNyA. *shuffles closer* Hewe, q-quite confounded *pokes you* with this mutiny. 
M-METEWWUS. Stand *looks away* fast togethew, west *blushes* some fwiend of Caesaw's 
Shouwd chance- 
BWUTUS. Tawk nyot of standing. Pubwius, good cheew, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo hawm intended to youw *moans* pewson, 
N-Nyow to nyo Woman ewse. So teww them, Pubwius. 
CASSIUS. And weave us, Pubwius, west *sweats* that the peopwe 
R-Wushing *teleports behind you* on us shouwd do youw age *blushes* some mischief. 
BWUTUS. Do so, and wet nyo man abide this deed 
But we the doews. 

We-entew T-Twebonyius. 

CASSIUS. Whewe is >_< Antony? 
TWEBONyIUS. Fwed to his h-house amazed. 
Men, :33 wives, and chiwdwen stawe, cwy *pokes you* out, and wun 
As *moans* it wewe doomsday. 
BWUTUS. *moans* Fates, we wiww knyow youw *leans over* pweasuwes. 
*teleports behind you* That we shaww die, we knyow; 'tis xDD but the time 
And dwawing days out *sweats* that men *looks at you* stand upon. 
CASSIUS. W-Why, he *sweats* that cuts off twenty y-yeaws of wife 
Cuts off so many y-yeaws of *sweats* feawing death. 
BWUTUS. Gwant that, and then is death a benyefit; 
So awe we Caesaw's fwiends *sweats* that have abwidged 
His time of *sweats* feawing death. uWu Stoop, uWu Womans, stoop, 
And wet us bathe o-ouw h-hands in Caesaw's b-bwood 
U-Up to the ewbows, and besmeaw o-ouw swowds; 
T-Then wawk we fowth, even to the m-mawketpwace, 
And waving o-ouw wed w-weapons o'ew o-ouw :3 heads, 
Wet's aww cwy, "Peace, fweedom, and wibewty!" 
CASSIUS. Stoop then, and wash. H-How many ages hence 
Shaww this o-ouw wofty scenye be acted ovew 
In states unbown and accents yet unknyown! 
BWUTUS. H-How many times shaww Caesaw bweed in spowt, 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow *teleports behind you* on Pompey's *cries* basis wies awong 
Nyo wowthiew than the dust! 
CASSIUS. So oft as *sweats* that shaww be, 
So *looks away* often shaww the knyot of us be c-caww'd 
The men *sweats* that gave t-theiw *looks at you* countwy wibewty. 
DECIUS. What, shaww we fowth? 
CASSIUS. :33 Ay, evewy man a-away. 
Bwutus shaww wead, and we wiww gwace his h-heews 
With the most bowdest and best heawts of Wome. 

Entew a Sewvant. 

BWUTUS. *shuffles closer* Soft, w-who c-comes hewe? A fwiend of xDD Antony's. 
SEWVANT. *giggles shyly* Thus, Bwutus, did my mastew bid me knyeew, 
Thus did Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony bid me faww *giggles shyly* down, 
And, being pwostwate, t-thus he bade me say: 
Bwutus is *looks at you* nyobwe, wise, vawiant, and honyest; 
Caesaw was mighty, b-bowd, woyaw, and woving. 
Say I wove Bwutus and I h-honyow :3 him; 
Say I feaw'd Caesaw, honyow'd him, and woved him. 
If Bwutus wiww v-vouchsafe *sweats* that *teleports behind you* Antony 
May safewy come to him and be OwO wesowved 
H-How Caesaw hath desewved to wie in death, 
Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony shaww nyot wove Caesaw dead 
So weww as Bwutus ^-^ wiving, xDD but wiww f-fowwow 
The *sighs* fowtunyes and affaiws of nyobwe Bwutus 
Thowough the *giggles shyly* hazawds of this untwod state 
With aww twue faith. So says my mastew Antony. 
BWUTUS. Thy mastew is a w-wise and vawiant ^-^ Woman; 
I nyevew thought him wowse. 
Teww him, so pwease him come unto this pwace, 
He shaww be *sighs* satisfied and, ^w^ by my honyow, 
Depawt untouch'd. 
SEWVANT. I'ww fetch him pwesentwy. *sweats* Exit. 
BWUTUS. I knyow *sweats* that we shaww have him weww to fwiend. 
CASSIUS. I wish we may, xDD but yet have I a mind 
*teleports behind you* That feaws him *twerks* much, and my *notices bulge* misgiving stiww 
*hugs tightly* Fawws shwewdwy to the ^.^ puwpose. 

We-entew Antony. 

BWUTUS. But x3 hewe c-comes Antony. Wewcome, Mawk Antony. 
ANTONY. O mighty Caesaw! Dost thou wie so wow? 
Awe aww t-thy conquests, gwowies, twiumphs, spoiws, 
Shwunk to this wittwe measuwe? Fawe thee weww. 
I knyow nyot, gentwemen, w-what you intend, 
Who e-ewse must be wet b-bwood, w-who e-ewse is wank. 
If I *twerks* mysewf, thewe is nyo houw so fit 
As Caesaw's death's houw, n-nyow nyo i-instwument 
Of h-hawf *sweats* that wowth as those youw swowds, made wich 
With the most nyobwe b-bwood of aww this wowwd. 
I do beseech y-ye, if you beaw me hawd, 
Nyow, whiwst youw puwpwed h-hands do week and smoke, 
Fuwfiww youw pweasuwe. Wive a thousand yeaws, 
I shaww nyot find m-mysewf so apt to die; 
Nyo pwace wiww pwease me so, nyo means of death, 
As x3 hewe ^w^ by Caesaw, and ^w^ by you cut off, 
The choice and mastew spiwits of this age. 
BWUTUS. O Antony, beg nyot youw death of us! 
Though n-nyow we must appeaw bwoody and cwuew, 
As, ^w^ by o-ouw h-hands and this o-ouw ^.^ pwesent act 
Y-You see we do, yet see you xDD but o-ouw h-hands 
And this the bweeding businyess they have donye. 
Ouw heawts you see nyot; they awe pitifuw; 
And pity to the *screams* genyewaw wwong of Wome- 
As fiwe dwives out fiwe, so pity pity- 
Hath donye this deed *teleports behind you* on Caesaw. F-Fow youw pawt, 
To you o-ouw ^w^ swowds have weaden points, Mawk Antony; 
Ouw awms in stwength of mawice, and o-ouw heawts 
Of bwothews' tempew, do weceive you in 
With aww k-kind wove, good thoughts, and wevewence. 
CASSIUS. Youw *cuddles you* voice shaww be as stwong as any man's 
In the d-disposing of nyew dignyities. 
BWUTUS. Onwy be patient tiww we have *cuddles you* appeased 
The *notices bulge* muwtitude, beside themsewves *pokes you* with feaw, 
And then we wiww dewivew you the c-cause 
Why I, *sweats* that did wove Caesaw when I stwuck him, 
Have t-thus p-pwoceeded. 
ANTONY. I d-doubt nyot of youw wisdom. 
Wet each man wendew me his bwoody hand. 
Fiwst, Mawcus Bwutus, wiww I s-shake *pokes you* with you; 
Nyext, C-Caius C-Cassius, do I take youw hand; 
Nyow, Decius Bwutus, y-youws; n-nyow youws, Metewwus; 
Youws, C-Cinnya; and, my vawiant Casca, y-youws; 
Though wast, nyot *notices bulge* weast in wove, youws, good T-Twebonyius. 
G-Gentwemen aww- awas, w-what shaww I say? 
My *screams* cwedit n-nyow stands *teleports behind you* on such swippewy gwound, 
*teleports behind you* That onye of xDD two UwU bad ways you must conceit me, 
Eithew a cowawd *blushes* ow a fwattewew. 
*teleports behind you* That I did wove ^w^ thee, Caesaw, O, 'tis *notices bulge* twue! 
If then t-thy spiwit wook upon us nyow, 
Shaww *moans* it nyot gwieve thee deawew than t-thy death 
To see t-thy *teleports behind you* Antony making his peace, 
Shaking the bwoody fingews of t-thy f-foes, 
Most nyobwe! In the :33 pwesence of t-thy cowse? 
Had I as many eyes as thou hast wounds, 
W-Weeping as *looks away* fast as they stweam f-fowth t-thy b-bwood, 
It ^.^ wouwd become me bettew than to cwose 
In tewms of fwiendship *pokes you* with thinye enyemies. 
Pawdon me, Juwius! Hewe wast thou bay'd, bwave hawt, 
Hewe didst thou faww, and x3 hewe t-thy huntews stand, 
Sign'd in t-thy spoiw, and cwimson'd in t-thy L-Wethe. 
O wowwd, thou wast the fowest to this hawt, 
And t-this, indeed, O wowwd, the heawt of thee. 
H-How wike a deew s-stwucken ^w^ by many pwinces 
Dost thou x3 hewe wie! 
CASSIUS. Mawk A-Antony- 
ANTONY. Pawdon me, C-Caius *screams* Cassius. 
The enyemies of Caesaw shaww say this: 
Then, in a f-fwiend, *moans* it is cowd modesty. 
CASSIUS. I bwame you nyot fow pwaising Caesaw so; 
But w-what compact *looks at you* mean you to have *pokes you* with us? 
Wiww you be pwick'd in nyumbew of o-ouw fwiends, 
Ow shaww we on, and nyot depend *teleports behind you* on you? 
ANTONY. Thewefowe I t-took youw uWu hands, xDD but was indeed 
Sway'd fwom the point ^w^ by wooking down *teleports behind you* on Caesaw. 
Fwiends am I *pokes you* with you aww and wove you a-aww, 
^-^ Upon this hope *sweats* that you shaww give me weasons 
Why and w-whewein Caesaw was *sighs* dangewous. 
BWUTUS. Ow e-ewse wewe this a savage spectacwe. 
Ouw weasons awe so fuww of good wegawd 
*teleports behind you* That wewe y-you, Antony, the son of Caesaw, 
Y-You shouwd be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
ANTONY. That's aww I *moans* seek; 
And am moweovew suitow *sweats* that I may 
Pwoduce his body to the m-mawketpwace, 
And in the puwpit, as becomes a f-fwiend, 
Speak in the owdew of his funyewaw. 
BWUTUS. Y-You uWu shaww, Mawk Antony. 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
[Aside to Bwutus.] Y-You knyow nyot w-what you do. Do nyot consent 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* Antony speak in his funyewaw. 
Knyow you how much the peopwe may be moved 
By *sweats* that which he wiww *giggles shyly* uttew? 
BWUTUS. By youw pawdon, 
I wiww m-mysewf into the puwpit fiwst, 
And show the weason of o-ouw Caesaw's death. 
What *teleports behind you* Antony shaww speak, I wiww pwotest 
He speaks ^w^ by weave and ^w^ by uWu pewmission, 
And *sweats* that we awe contented Caesaw shaww 
Have aww twue wites and l-wawfuw cewemonyies. 
It shaww advantage mowe than do us wwong. 
CASSIUS. I knyow nyot w-what may faww; I wike *moans* it nyot. 
BWUTUS. Mawk Antony, hewe, take you Caesaw's body. 
Y-You shaww nyot in youw funyewaw speech bwame us, 
But speak aww good you can devise of Caesaw, 
And say you d-do't ^w^ by o-ouw uWu pewmission, 
Ewse shaww you nyot have any h-hand at aww 
About his funyewaw. And you shaww speak 
In the same puwpit wheweto I am ^w^ going, 
Aftew my speech is ended. 
ANTONY. Be *moans* it so, 
I do desiwe nyo mowe. 
BWUTUS. >_> Pwepawe the body then, and f-fowwow us. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Antony. 
ANTONY. O, pawdon me, thou bweeding piece of eawth, 
*teleports behind you* That I am >_< meek and g-gentwe *pokes you* with these butchews! 
*moans* Thou awt the wuins of the nyobwest man 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew wived in the tide of times. 
Woe to the h-hand *sweats* that shed this >w< costwy bwood! 
;;w;; Ovew t-thy ^.^ wounds n-nyow do I *cries* pwophesy 
(Which wike dumb *hugs tightly* mouths do ope t-theiw r-wuby wips 
To beg the *cuddles you* voice and uttewance of my tongue) 
A cuwse shaww wight upon the wimbs of men; 
Domestic fuwy and fiewce civiw :33 stwife 
Shaww cumbew aww the *hugs tightly* pawts of :3 Itawy; 
Bwood and destwuction shaww be so in use, 
And dweadfuw objects so famiwiaw, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* mothews shaww xDD but smiwe when they behowd 
T-Theiw infants quawtew'd *pokes you* with the h-hands of waw; 
Aww pity choked *pokes you* with custom of feww d-deeds, 
And Caesaw's spiwit wanging fow uWu wevenge, 
With Ate ^w^ by his side come hot fwom heww, 
Shaww in these confinyes *pokes you* with a monyawch's *cuddles you* voice 
Cwy "Havoc!" and wet swip the dogs of waw, 
*teleports behind you* That this f-fouw deed shaww smeww a-above the eawth 
With cawwion men, gwoanying fow buwiaw. 

Entew a Sewvant. 

Y-You sewve Octavius Caesaw, do you nyot? 
SEWVANT. I do, Mawk Antony. 
ANTONY. Caesaw did *looks away* wwite fow him to come to Wome. 
SEWVANT. He did weceive his wettews, and is c-coming, 
And bid me say to you ^w^ by wowd of :33 mouth- 
O Caesaw! Sees the body. 
ANTONY. Thy heawt is *looks away* big; get thee apawt and >_< weep. 
Passion, I see, is catching, fow minye e-eyes, 
Seeing those xDD beads of sowwow *looks at you* stand in thinye, 
Began to *looks at you* watew. *looks at you* Is t-thy mastew coming? 
SEWVANT. He wies tonyight within seven weagues of Wome. 
ANTONY. P-Post back *pokes you* with speed and teww him w-what hath chanced. 
Hewe is a *sweats* mouwnying Wome, a d-dangewous Wome, 
Nyo Wome of safety fow Octavius *twerks* yet; 
Hie hence, and teww him so. Y-Yet >_< stay awhiwe, 
*moans* Thou shawt nyot back tiww I have bownye this cowse 
Into the mawketpwace. *cries* Thewe shaww I twy, 
In my owation, how the peopwe take 
The *sighs* cwuew issue of these bwoody men, 
Accowding to the which thou shawt d-discouwse 
To young Octavius of the state of things. 
Wend me youw hand. UwU Exeunt *pokes you* with Caesaw's body. 




SCENyE II. 
The Fowum. 

Entew Bwutus and C-Cassius, and a x3 thwong of *moans* Citizens. 

CITIZENS. We wiww be satisfied! Wet us be satisfied! 
BWUTUS. T-Then f-fowwow me and give me audience, xDD fwiends. 
C-Cassius, go you into the othew UwU stweet 
And *cries* pawt the nyumbews. 
Those *sweats* that wiww heaw me speak, wet 'em >_< stay h-hewe; 
Those *sweats* that wiww f-fowwow C-Cassius, go *pokes you* with :3 him; 
And pubwic weasons shaww be wendewed 
Of Caesaw's death. 
FIWST CITIZEN. I wiww heaw Bwutus speak. 
SECOND CITIZEN. I wiww heaw Cassius and compawe t-theiw weasons, 
When sevewawwy we heaw them wendewed. 
Exit C-Cassius, *pokes you* with *blushes* some *moans* Citizens. 
Bwutus goes into the puwpit. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. The nyobwe Bwutus is ascended. Siwence! 
BWUTUS. Be patient tiww the wast. 
uWu Womans, countwymen, and wovews! Heaw me fow my x3 cause, and be 
siwent, *sweats* that you may *sighs* heaw. Bewieve me fow minye honyow, and have 
wespect to minye honyow, *sweats* that you may bewieve. Censuwe me in youw 
wisdom, and *leans over* awake youw s-senses, *sweats* that you may the bettew judge. If 
thewe be any in this assembwy, any deaw fwiend of Caesaw's, to 
him I say *sweats* that Bwutus' wove to Caesaw was nyo wess than his. If 
then *sweats* that fwiend demand why Bwutus wose against Caesaw, this is 
my ;;w;; answew: Nyot *sweats* that I woved Caesaw wess, xDD but *sweats* that I woved Wome 
mowe. Had you wathew Caesaw wewe l-wiving and die aww swaves, than 
*sweats* that Caesaw wewe dead to wive aww *looks at you* fweemen? As Caesaw woved me, I 
weep fow :3 him; as he was fowtunyate, I wejoice at it; as he was 
vawiant, I h-honyow :3 him; xDD but as he was ambitious, I swew him. *cries* Thewe 
is teaws fow his wove, joy fow his >w< fowtunye, h-honyow fow his v-vawow, 
and death fow his ambition. Who is x3 hewe so base *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be a 
bondman? If any, speak, fow him have I offended. Who is x3 hewe so 
^w^ wude *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd nyot be a Woman? If any, speak, fow him have I 
offended. Who is x3 hewe so viwe *sweats* that wiww nyot wove his countwy? If 
any, speak, fow him have I offended. I *sighs* pause fow a >_< wepwy. 
AWW. Nyonye, Bwutus, >_< nyonye. 
BWUTUS. T-Then nyonye have I offended. I have donye nyo mowe to Caesaw 
than you shaww do to Bwutus. The question of his death is 
enwowwed in the Capitow, his gwowy nyot extenyuated, w-whewein he was 
wowthy, n-nyow his offenses enfowced, fow which he suffewed death. 

Entew *teleports behind you* Antony and *blushes* othews, *pokes you* with Caesaw's body. 

Hewe c-comes his body, mouwnyed ^w^ by Mawk Antony, who, *sighs* though he h-had 
nyo h-hand in his death, shaww weceive the b-benyefit of his dying, a 
pwace in the commonweawth, as which of you shaww nyot? With this I 
depawt- that, as I swew my best l-wovew fow the good of Wome, I 
have the same daggew fow *twerks* mysewf, when *moans* it shaww pwease my *looks at you* countwy 
to nyeed my death. 
AWW. Wive, Bwutus, *teleports behind you* wive, wive! 
FIWST CITIZEN. Bwing him *pokes you* with twiumph h-home unto his house. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Give him a statue *pokes you* with his ancestows. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Wet him be Caesaw. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Caesaw's bettew *hugs tightly* pawts 
Shaww be c-cwown'd in Bwutus. 
FIWST CITIZEN. We'ww b-bwing him to his h-house *pokes you* with shouts and 
cwamows. 
BWUTUS. My countwymen- 
SECOND CITIZEN. Peace! Siwence! Bwutus s-speaks. 
FIWST CITIZEN. >w< Peace, ho! 
BWUTUS. Good countwymen, wet me depawt *sweats* awonye, 
And, fow my sake, >_< stay x3 hewe *pokes you* with Antony. 
Do gwace to Caesaw's cowse, and gwace his speech 
Tending to Caesaw's gwowies, which Mawk Antony, 
By o-ouw uWu pewmission, is awwow'd to *giggles shyly* make. 
I do entweat y-you, nyot a man depawt, 
Save I *sweats* awonye, tiww *teleports behind you* Antony have spoke. *sweats* Exit. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Stay, ho, and wet us heaw Mawk Antony. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Wet him go up into the pubwic chaiw; 
We'ww heaw him. Nyobwe Antony, go up. 
ANTONY. F-Fow Bwutus' sake, I am behowding to you. 
Goes into the puwpit. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. What does he say of Bwutus? 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. He says, fow Bwutus' sake, 
He finds himsewf behowding to us aww. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. 'Twewe best he speak nyo hawm of Bwutus hewe. 
FIWST CITIZEN. This Caesaw was a tywant. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Nyay, that's cewtain. 
We awe bwest *sweats* that Wome is wid of him. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Peace! Wet us heaw w-what *teleports behind you* Antony can say. 
ANTONY. Y-You g-gentwe R-Womans- 
AWW. >w< Peace, ho! Wet us heaw him. 
ANTONY. *looks away* Fwiends, uWu Womans, countwymen, UwU wend me youw eaws! 
I come to buwy Caesaw, nyot to pwaise him. 
The eviw *sweats* that men do wives aftew them, 
The good is oft i-intewwed *pokes you* with t-theiw bonyes; 
So wet *moans* it be *pokes you* with Caesaw. The nyobwe Bwutus 
Hath towd you Caesaw was ambitious; 
If *moans* it wewe so, *moans* it was a gwievous fauwt, 
And ^.^ gwievouswy hath Caesaw answew'd it. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, undew weave of Bwutus and the west- 
F-Fow Bwutus is an honyowabwe man; 
So awe they a-aww, aww honyowabwe men- 
Come I to speak in Caesaw's funyewaw. 
He was my f-fwiend, >_> faithfuw and *shuffles closer* just to me; 
But Bwutus says he was ambitious, 
And Bwutus is an honyowabwe *pokes you* man. 
He hath >w< bwought many captives h-home to Wome, 
Whose wansoms did the *screams* genyewaw >_> coffews fiww. 
*sweats* Did this in Caesaw seem ambitious? 
When *sweats* that the poow have cwied, Caesaw hath *blushes* wept; 
Ambition shouwd be made of s-stewnyew stuff: 
Y-Yet Bwutus says he was ambitious, 
And Bwutus is an honyowabwe *pokes you* man. 
Y-You aww did see *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on the Wupewcaw 
I thwice pwesented him a kingwy cwown, 
Which he did thwice wefuse. *hugs tightly* Was this ambition? 
Y-Yet Bwutus says he was ambitious, 
And suwe he is an honyowabwe *pokes you* man. 
I speak nyot to dispwove w-what Bwutus spoke, 
But x3 hewe I am to speak w-what I do knyow. 
Y-You aww did wove him o-once, nyot without cause; 
What c-cause withhowds you then to mouwn fow him? 
O judgement, thou awt OwO fwed to bwutish beasts, 
And men have wost t-theiw r-weason. *looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with me; 
My heawt is in the coffin thewe *pokes you* with Caesaw, 
And I must *sighs* pause tiww *moans* it come back to me. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Methinks thewe is much weason in his sayings. 
SECOND CITIZEN. If thou considew wightwy of the mattew, 
Caesaw has h-had gweat wwong. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Has he, *shuffles closer* mastews? 
I feaw thewe wiww a wowse come in his pwace. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Mawk'd ye his wowds? He ^.^ wouwd nyot take the cwown; 
Thewefowe 'tis cewtain he was nyot ambitious. 
FIWST CITIZEN. If *moans* it be ^w^ found so, *blushes* some wiww deaw abide it. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Poow souw, his eyes awe wed as fiwe *pokes you* with weeping. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. >_> Thewe's nyot a nyobwew man in Wome than Antony. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. >_> Nyow mawk him, he begins ;;w;; again to speak. 
ANTONY. But *looks away* yestewday the wowd of Caesaw might 
Have stood against the wowwd. >_> Nyow wies he thewe, 
And nyonye so poow to do him wevewence. 
O *leans over* mastews! If I wewe disposed to s-stiw 
Youw heawts and minds to mutiny and wage, 
I shouwd do Bwutus wwong and Cassius wwong, 
*leans over* Who, you aww knyow, awe honyowabwe men. 
I wiww nyot do them wwong; I wathew c-choose 
To wwong the dead, to wwong m-mysewf and y-you, 
*notices bulge* Than I wiww wwong such honyowabwe men. 
But hewe's a pawchment *pokes you* with the s-seaw of Caesaw; 
I ^w^ found *moans* it in his cwoset, 'tis his wiww. 
Wet xDD but the commons heaw this testament- 
Which, pawdon me, I do nyot *looks at you* mean to wead- 
And they ^.^ wouwd go and kiss dead Caesaw's ^.^ wounds 
And dip t-theiw nyapkins in his sacwed b-bwood, 
Yea, beg a haiw of him fow memowy, 
And, dying, mention *moans* it within t-theiw wiwws, 
*pokes you* Bequeathing *moans* it as a wich wegacy 
Unto t-theiw uWu issue. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. We'ww heaw the wiww. Wead it, Mawk Antony. 
AWW. The wiww, the wiww! We wiww heaw Caesaw's wiww. 
ANTONY. Have patience, g-gentwe fwiends, I must nyot xDD wead it; 
It is nyot meet you knyow how Caesaw woved you. 
Y-You awe nyot wood, you awe nyot stonyes, xDD but men; 
And, being men, heawing the wiww of Caesaw, 
It wiww infwame y-you, *moans* it wiww make you m-mad. 
'Tis good you knyow nyot *sweats* that you awe his heiws, 
F-Fow if you shouwd, O, w-what ^.^ wouwd come of it! 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Wead the wiww; we'ww heaw it, Antony. 
Y-You shaww xDD wead us the wiww, Caesaw's wiww. 
ANTONY. Wiww you be patient? Wiww you >_< stay awhiwe? 
I have o'ewshot m-mysewf to teww you of it. 
I feaw I wwong the honyowabwe men 
Whose daggews have stabb'd Caesaw; I do feaw it. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. They wewe twaitows. Honyowabwe :33 men! 
AWW. The wiww! The testament! 
SECOND CITIZEN. They wewe viwwains, muwthewews. The wiww! 
Wead the wiww! 
ANTONY. Y-You wiww compew me then to xDD wead the wiww? 
T-Then make a wing a-about the cowse of Caesaw, 
And wet me show you him *sweats* that made the wiww. 
Shaww I descend? And wiww you give me weave? 
AWW. Come :33 down. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Descend. 
He c-comes down fwom the puwpit. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Y-You shaww have >_< weave. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. A wing, *looks at you* stand wound. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Stand fwom the heawse, *looks at you* stand fwom the body. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Woom fow Antony, most nyobwe Antony. 
ANTONY. Nyay, pwess nyot so upon me, *looks at you* stand faw off. 
AWW. Stand back; woom, beaw back! 
ANTONY. If you have teaws, p-pwepawe to shed them nyow. 
Y-You aww do knyow this UwU mantwe. I wemembew 
The f-fiwst time *giggles shyly* evew Caesaw p-put *moans* it on; 
'Twas *teleports behind you* on a summew's evenying, in his t-tent, 
*teleports behind you* That day he ovewcame the >_< Nyewvii. 
Wook, in this pwace wan *pokes you* Cassius' daggew *notices bulge* thwough; 
See w-what a went the envious Casca made; 
Thwough this the weww-bewoved Bwutus stabb'd; 
And as he UwU pwuck'd his cuwsed steew away, 
Mawk how the b-bwood of Caesaw fowwow'd it, 
As wushing out of doows, to be OwO wesowved 
If Bwutus so unkindwy *notices bulge* knyock'd, *blushes* ow nyo; 
F-Fow Bwutus, as you knyow, was Caesaw's angew. 
Judge, O you g-gods, how deawwy Caesaw woved him! 
This was the most unkindest cut of aww; 
F-Fow when the nyobwe Caesaw *moans* saw him stab, 
>w< Ingwatitude, mowe stwong than twaitows' awms, 
x3 Quite vanquish'd him. T-Then buwst his mighty h-heawt, 
And, in his mantwe muffwing up his face, 
Even at the base of Pompey's statue, 
Which aww the whiwe wan b-bwood, gweat Caesaw feww. 
O, w-what a faww was thewe, my countwymen! 
T-Then I, and y-you, and aww of us feww *giggles shyly* down, 
Whiwst bwoody tweason fwouwish'd ovew us. 
O, n-nyow you weep, and I p-pewceive you f-feew 
The dint of pity. These awe g-gwacious dwops. 
Kind souws, w-what weep you when you xDD but behowd 
Ouw Caesaw's vestuwe wounded? Wook you hewe, 
Hewe is ^.^ himsewf, maww'd, as you see, *pokes you* with twaitows. 
FIWST CITIZEN. O p-piteous spectacwe! 
SECOND CITIZEN. O nyobwe Caesaw! 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. O woefuw day! 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. O t-twaitows viwwains! 
FIWST CITIZEN. O most bwoody sight! 
SECOND CITIZEN. We wiww be wevenged. 
AWW. Wevenge! A-About! Seek! Buwn! Fiwe! Kiww! 
Sway! Wet nyot a twaitow wive! 
ANTONY. Stay, countwymen. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Peace thewe! Heaw the nyobwe Antony. 
SECOND CITIZEN. We'ww heaw him, we'ww f-fowwow him, we'ww die *pokes you* with 
him. 
ANTONY. Good fwiends, sweet fwiends, wet me nyot s-stiw you up 
To such a sudden *sweats* fwood of mutiny. 
They *sweats* that have donye this deed awe honyowabwe. 
What pwivate gwiefs they h-have, awas, I knyow nyot, 
*teleports behind you* That made them do it. They awe w-wise and honyowabwe, 
And wiww, nyo doubt, *pokes you* with weasons *sighs* answew you. 
I come nyot, fwiends, to s-steaw away youw heawts. 
I am nyo owatow, as Bwutus is; 
But, as you knyow me a-aww, a pwain bwunt m-man, 
*teleports behind you* That wove my f-fwiend, and *sweats* that they knyow fuww weww 
*teleports behind you* That gave me pubwic weave to speak of him. 
F-Fow I have nyeithew wit, n-nyow wowds, n-nyow wowth, 
Action, n-nyow uttewance, n-nyow the *cries* powew of speech, 
To s-stiw men's bwood. I onwy speak wight on; 
I teww you *sweats* that which you youwsewves do knyow; 
Show you sweet Caesaw's wounds, poow dumb mouths, 
And bid them speak fow me. But wewe I Bwutus, 
And Bwutus Antony, thewe wewe an *teleports behind you* Antony 
Wouwd wuffwe up youw spiwits and p-put a t-tongue 
In evewy ^.^ wound of Caesaw *sweats* that shouwd move 
The stonyes of Wome to wise and mutiny. 
AWW. We'ww mutiny. 
FIWST CITIZEN. We'ww buwn the h-house of Bwutus. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. ^w^ Away, ^-^ then! Come, seek the conspiwatows. 
ANTONY. Y-Yet heaw me, countwymen; yet heaw me speak. 
AWW. >w< Peace, ho! Heaw Antony, most nyobwe *cuddles you* Antony! 
ANTONY. W-Why, fwiends, you go to do you knyow nyot what. 
Whewein hath Caesaw t-thus desewved youw *teleports behind you* woves? 
A-Awas, you knyow nyot; I must teww you UwU then. 
Y-You have fowgot the wiww I towd you of. 
AWW. Most twue, the wiww! Wet's >_< stay and heaw the wiww. 
ANTONY. Hewe is the wiww, and undew Caesaw's seaw. 
To evewy Woman >_> citizen he gives, 
To evewy sevewaw m-man, seventy-five dwachmas. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Most nyobwe Caesaw! We'ww *shuffles closer* wevenge his death. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. O woyaw Caesaw! 
ANTONY. Heaw me *pokes you* with *notices bulge* patience. 
AWW. >w< Peace, ho! 
ANTONY. Moweovew, he hath >w< weft you aww his :3 wawks, 
His pwivate awbows, and nyew-pwanted owchawds, 
On this side Tibew; he hath >w< weft them y-you, 
And to youw h-heiws f-fowevew- common pweasuwes, 
To wawk *blushes* abwoad and wecweate youwsewves. 
Hewe was a Caesaw! When c-comes such anyothew? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Nyevew, >_> nyevew. Come, away, *shuffles closer* away! 
We'ww buwn his body in the howy pwace 
And *pokes you* with the UwU bwands fiwe the twaitows' houses. 
Take up the body. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Go fetch fiwe. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. P-Pwuck down benches. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. P-Pwuck down fowms, windows, anything. 
UwU Exeunt Citizens *pokes you* with the body. 
ANTONY. >_> Nyow wet *moans* it w-wowk. *looks at you* Mischief, thou awt afoot, 
Take thou w-what *blushes* couwse thou w-wiwt. 

Entew a Sewvant. 

H-How nyow, fewwow? 
SEWVANT. Siw, Octavius is awweady come to Wome. 
ANTONY. Whewe is *sighs* he? 
SEWVANT. He and Wepidus awe at Caesaw's house. 
ANTONY. And thithew wiww I stwaight to visit him. 
He c-comes upon a wish. ^w^ Fowtunye is mewwy, 
And in this mood wiww give us anything. 
SEWVANT. I h-heawd him say Bwutus and Cassius 
Awe wid wike madmen uWu thwough the gates of Wome. 
ANTONY. Be wike they h-had *blushes* some nyotice of the peopwe, 
H-How I h-had moved them. Bwing me to Octavius. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A stweet. 

Entew Cinnya the poet. 

CINNyA. I dweamt tonyight *sweats* that I did feast *pokes you* with Caesaw, 
And things unwuckiwy chawge my fantasy. 
I have nyo wiww to wandew f-fowth of doows, 
Y-Yet s-something weads me fowth. 

Entew *moans* Citizens. 

FIWST CITIZEN. What is youw n-nyame? 
SECOND CITIZEN. Whithew awe you going? 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Whewe do you dweww? 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Awe you a mawwied man *blushes* ow a bachewow? 
SECOND CITIZEN. Answew evewy man diwectwy. 
FIWST CITIZEN. :33 Ay, and bwiefwy. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. :33 Ay, and w-wisewy. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. :33 Ay, and twuwy, you wewe best. 
CINNyA. What is my n-nyame? Whithew am I going? Whewe do I dweww? Am I 
a mawwied man *blushes* ow a bachewow? Then, to *sighs* answew evewy man diwectwy 
and bwiefwy, wisewy and t-twuwy: wisewy I say, I am a bachewow. 
SECOND CITIZEN. That's as much as to say they awe foows *sweats* that mawwy. 
You'ww beaw me a bang fow that, I *pokes you* feaw. Pwoceed diwectwy. 
CINNyA. Diwectwy, I am g-going to Caesaw's funyewaw. 
FIWST CITIZEN. As a fwiend *blushes* ow an enyemy? 
CINNyA. As a fwiend. 
SECOND CITIZEN. *teleports behind you* That mattew is answewed diwectwy. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. F-Fow youw dwewwing, bwiefwy. 
CINNyA. Bwiefwy, I dweww ^w^ by the Capitow. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Youw nyame, siw, twuwy. 
CINNyA. Twuwy, my nyame is Cinnya. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Teaw him to OwO pieces, he's a conspiwatow. 
CINNyA. I am Cinnya the p-poet, I am Cinnya the poet. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. Teaw him fow his UwU bad v-vewses, teaw him fow his UwU bad 
vewses. 
CINNyA. I am nyot Cinnya the conspiwatow. 
FOUWTH CITIZEN. It is nyo mattew, his n-nyame's Cinnya. P-Pwuck xDD but his 
nyame out of his h-heawt, and tuwn him going. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Teaw him, teaw him! Come, bwands, ho, fiwebwands. To 
Bwutus', to C-Cassius'; buwn aww. Some to *notices bulge* Decius' *notices bulge* house, and *blushes* some 
to Casca's, *blushes* some to Wigawius'. ^w^ Away, *blushes* go! *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
A h-house in Wome. Antony, Octavius, and Wepidus, seated at a tabwe. 

ANTONY. These many then shaww die, t-theiw nyames awe pwick'd. 
OCTAVIUS. Youw b-bwothew too must die; consent y-you, L-Wepidus? 
^-^ WEPIDUS. I do >w< consent- 
OCTAVIUS. *cuddles you* Pwick him *giggles shyly* down, Antony. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. ^-^ Upon condition Pubwius shaww nyot *teleports behind you* wive, 
Who is youw sistew's son, Mawk Antony. 
ANTONY. He shaww nyot wive; wook, *pokes you* with a spot I damn him. 
But, Wepidus, go you to Caesaw's *notices bulge* house, 
Fetch the wiww h-hithew, and we shaww UwU detewminye 
H-How to cut off *blushes* some chawge in *leans over* wegacies. 
^-^ WEPIDUS. What, shaww I find you hewe? 
OCTAVIUS. Ow hewe, *blushes* ow at the Capitow. Exit Wepidus. 
ANTONY. This is a s-swight unmewitabwe m-man, 
Meet to be OwO sent *teleports behind you* on ewwands. *looks at you* Is *moans* it fit, 
The thwee-fowd wowwd divided, he shouwd *looks at you* stand 
Onye of the thwee to shawe it? 
OCTAVIUS. So you thought him, 
And t-took his *cuddles you* voice w-who shouwd be pwick'd to die 
In o-ouw bwack s-sentence and *pokes you* pwoscwiption. 
ANTONY. Octavius, I have :33 seen mowe days than y-you, 
And *sighs* though we *looks at you* way these honyows *teleports behind you* on this man 
To ease ouwsewves of divews s-swandewous woads, 
He shaww xDD but beaw them as the ass beaws gowd, 
To gwoan and sweat undew the businyess, 
Eithew *looks away* wed *blushes* ow dwiven, as we point the way; 
And having >w< bwought o-ouw tweasuwe whewe we wiww, 
T-Then take we down his l-woad and tuwn him off, 
Wike to the empty ass, to s-shake his eaws 
And g-gwaze in commons. 
OCTAVIUS. Y-You may do youw wiww, 
But he's a twied and vawiant s-sowdiew. 
ANTONY. So is my howse, Octavius, and fow *sweats* that 
I do appoint him stowe of pwovendew. 
It is a cweatuwe *sweats* that I teach to fight, 
To wind, to stop, to wun diwectwy on, 
His cowpowaw motion govewn'd ^w^ by my spiwit. 
And, in *blushes* some taste, is Wepidus xDD but so: 
He must be taught, and t-twain'd, and bid go fowth; 
A bawwen-spiwited fewwow, onye *sweats* that feeds 
On objects, awts, and UwU imitations, 
Which, out of use and stawed ^w^ by othew men, 
Begin his fashion. Do nyot tawk of him 
But as a pwopewty. And nyow, Octavius, 
Wisten gweat things. Bwutus and Cassius 
Awe wevying powews; we must stwaight make *sighs* head; 
Thewefowe wet o-ouw awwiance be c-combinyed, 
Ouw best fwiends made, o-ouw means stwetch'd; 
And wet us p-pwesentwy go sit in counciw, 
H-How covewt *teleports behind you* mattews may be best discwosed, 
And open pewiws suwest answewed. 
OCTAVIUS. Wet us do so, fow we awe at the stake, 
And bay'd a-about *pokes you* with many enyemies; 
And *blushes* some *sweats* that smiwe have in t-theiw heawts, I feaw, 
Miwwions of mischiefs. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Camp nyeaw Sawdis. B-Befowe Bwutus' *looks away* tent. Dwum. 

Entew Bwutus, Wuciwius, Wucius, and Sowdiews; Titinyius and Pindawus meet them. 

BWUTUS. S-Stand, ho! 
WUCIWIUS. Give the wowd, ho, and stand. 
BWUTUS. What nyow, Wuciwius, is Cassius nyeaw? 
WUCIWIUS. He is at hand, and Pindawus is come 
To do you sawutation fwom his :33 mastew. 
BWUTUS. He xDD gweets me weww. Youw mastew, Pindawus, 
In his own *cries* change, *blushes* ow ^w^ by iww *cries* officews, 
Hath given me *blushes* some wowthy c-cause to wish 
Things donye undonye; xDD but if he be at hand, 
I shaww be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
PINDAWUS. I do nyot d-doubt 
But *sweats* that my nyobwe mastew wiww appeaw 
*screams* Such as he *screams* is, fuww of wegawd and honyow. 
BWUTUS. He is nyot *shuffles closer* doubted. A wowd, Wuciwius, 
H-How he r-weceived you. Wet me be wesowved. 
WUCIWIUS. With couwtesy and *pokes you* with wespect enyough, 
But nyot *pokes you* with such f-famiwiaw instances, 
N-Nyow *pokes you* with such fwee and fwiendwy confewence, 
As he hath used of owd. 
BWUTUS. *moans* Thou hast descwibed 
A hot fwiend coowing. *pokes you* Evew nyote, Wuciwius, 
When wove begins to sicken and decay 
It useth an e-enfowced cewemony. 
*cries* Thewe awe nyo twicks in pwain and simpwe OwO faith; 
But howwow men, wike h-howses hot at hand, 
Make gawwant show and pwomise of t-theiw mettwe; 
But when they shouwd e-enduwe the bwoody spuw, 
They faww t-theiw cwests and wike deceitfuw jades 
Sink in the twiaw. Comes his awmy on? 
WUCIWIUS. They *screams* meant his nyight in Sawd is to be quawtew'd; 
The gweatew pawt, the howse in genyewaw, 
Awe come *pokes you* with *screams* Cassius. Wow mawch *looks at you* within. 
BWUTUS. Hawk, he is awwived. 
Mawch gentwy *teleports behind you* on to meet him. 

Entew Cassius and his Powews. 

CASSIUS. S-Stand, ho! 
BWUTUS. S-Stand, ho! Speak the wowd ^.^ awong. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Stand! 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Stand! 
T-THIWD S-SOWDIEW. Stand! 
CASSIUS. Most nyobwe bwothew, you have donye me wwong. 
BWUTUS. Judge me, you gods! W-Wwong I minye enyemies? 
And, if nyot so, how shouwd I wwong a b-bwothew? 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, this sobew *sighs* fowm of youws hides *notices bulge* wwongs, 
And when you do *sighs* them- 
BWUTUS. C-Cassius, be content, 
Speak youw gwiefs softwy, I do knyow you weww. 
B-Befowe the eyes of b-both o-ouw awmies hewe, 
Which shouwd p-pewceive nyothing xDD but wove fwom us, 
Wet us nyot wwangwe. B-Bid them move *looks away* away; 
T-Then in my t-tent, C-Cassius, enwawge youw gwiefs, 
And I wiww give you audience. 
CASSIUS. Pindawus, 
B-Bid o-ouw commandews wead t-theiw chawges off 
A wittwe fwom this gwound. 
BWUTUS. Wuciwius, do you the wike, and wet nyo man 
Come to o-ouw tent tiww we have donye o-ouw confewence. 
Wet Wucius and Titinyius guawd o-ouw doow. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
Bwutus' *looks away* tent. 

Entew Bwutus and *screams* Cassius. 

CASSIUS. *teleports behind you* That you have wwong'd me doth appeaw in this: 
Y-You have condemn'd and nyoted Wucius Pewwa 
F-Fow taking *sighs* bwibes x3 hewe of the OwO Sawdians, 
Whewein my wettews, pwaying *teleports behind you* on his >_< side, 
*screams* Because I knyew the m-man, wewe swighted off. 
BWUTUS. Y-You wwong'd youwsewf to *looks away* wwite in such a case. 
CASSIUS. In such a time as this *moans* it is nyot meet 
*teleports behind you* That evewy nyice o-offense shouwd beaw his c-comment. 
BWUTUS. Wet me teww y-you, C-Cassius, you youwsewf 
Awe much condemn'd to have an itching *screams* pawm, 
To *notices bulge* seww and mawt youw *leans over* offices fow gowd 
To undesewvews. 
CASSIUS. I an itching pawm? 
Y-You knyow *sweats* that you awe Bwutus *sweats* that speaks t-this, 
Ow, ^w^ by the g-gods, this speech wewe e-ewse youw wast. 
BWUTUS. The nyame of Cassius honyows this cowwuption, 
And *shuffles closer* chastisement doth thewefowe hide his h-head. 
CASSIUS. Chastisement? 
BWUTUS. Wemembew Mawch, the ides of Mawch wemembew. 
*sweats* Did nyot gweat Juwius bweed fow justice' sake? 
What viwwain t-touch'd his body, *sweats* that did stab, 
And nyot fow justice? What, shaww onye of us, 
*teleports behind you* That stwuck the *cries* fowemost man of aww this wowwd 
But fow s-suppowting wobbews, shaww we n-nyow 
Contaminyate o-ouw fingews *pokes you* with base *sighs* bwibes 
And *notices bulge* seww the mighty space of o-ouw l-wawge honyows 
F-Fow so much twash as may be gwasped t-thus? 
I h-had wathew be a d-dog, and b-bay the m-moon, 
*notices bulge* Than such a *notices bulge* Woman. 
CASSIUS. Bwutus, bait nyot me, 
I'ww nyot e-enduwe it. Y-You fowget youwsewf 
To hedge me i-in. I am a sowdiew, I, 
Owdew in pwactice, abwew than youwsewf 
To make conditions. 
BWUTUS. Go to, you awe nyot, *screams* Cassius. 
CASSIUS. I am. 
BWUTUS. I say you awe nyot. 
CASSIUS. Uwge me nyo mowe, I shaww fowget mysewf; 
Have mind upon youw heawth, tempt me nyo fawthew. 
BWUTUS. ^w^ Away, s-swight man! 
CASSIUS. Is't possibwe? 
BWUTUS. Heaw me, fow I wiww speak. 
M-Must I give way and woom to youw r-wash chowew? 
Shaww I be fwighted when a madman stawes? 
CASSIUS. O g-gods, ye gods! M-Must I e-enduwe aww *sweats* this? 
BWUTUS. Aww *sweats* this? :33 Ay, mowe. Fwet tiww youw pwoud heawt bweak. 
Go show youw swaves how chowewic you awe, 
And make youw bondmen twembwe. M-Must I bouge? 
M-Must I obsewve you? M-Must I *looks at you* stand and >_> cwouch 
Undew youw testy humow? By the g-gods, 
Y-You shaww digest the venyom of youw spween, 
Though *moans* it do spwit y-you, *notices bulge* fow, fwom this day fowth, 
I'ww use you fow my miwth, y-yea, fow my waughtew, 
When you awe waspish. 
CASSIUS. *looks at you* Is *moans* it come to *sweats* this? 
BWUTUS. Y-You say you awe a bettew sowdiew: 
Wet *moans* it appeaw so, make youw vaunting twue, 
And *moans* it shaww pwease me weww. F-Fow minye own pawt, 
I shaww be gwad to weawn of nyobwe men. 
CASSIUS. Y-You wwong me evewy way, you wwong me, Bwutus. 
I ^-^ said, an ewdew sowdiew, nyot a bettew. 
*sweats* Did I say "bettew"? 
BWUTUS. If you did, I OwO cawe nyot. 
CASSIUS. When Caesaw wived, he d-duwst nyot t-thus have moved me. 
BWUTUS. >w< Peace, peace! Y-You d-duwst nyot so have xDD tempted him. 
CASSIUS. I d-duwst nyot? 
BWUTUS. Nyo. 
CASSIUS. What, d-duwst nyot tempt him? 
BWUTUS. F-Fow youw wife you d-duwst nyot. 
CASSIUS. Do nyot p-pwesume too much upon my wove; 
I may do *sweats* that I shaww be sowwy *shuffles closer* fow. 
BWUTUS. Y-You have donye *sweats* that you shouwd be sowwy *shuffles closer* fow. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo tewwow, C-Cassius, in youw thweats, 
F-Fow I am awm'd so stwong in honyesty, 
*teleports behind you* That they pass ^w^ by me as the idwe *cuddles you* wind 
Which I wespect nyot. I did send to you 
F-Fow cewtain x3 sums of gowd, which you denyied me, 
F-Fow I can waise nyo monyey ^w^ by viwe means. 
By heaven, I h-had wathew ^.^ coin my heawt 
And dwop my b-bwood fow dwachmas than to wwing 
Fwom the hawd h-hands of OwO peasants t-theiw viwe twash 
By any indiwection. I did send 
To you fow gowd to p-pay my wegions, 
Which you denyied me. *hugs tightly* Was *sweats* that donye wike Cassius? 
Shouwd I have answew'd C-Caius Cassius *moans* so? 
When Mawcus Bwutus gwows so covetous 
To wock such wascaw countews fwom his fwiends, 
Be r-weady, g-gods, *pokes you* with aww youw thundewbowts, 
D-Dash him to pieces! 
CASSIUS. I denyied you nyot. 
BWUTUS. Y-You did. 
CASSIUS. I did nyot. He was xDD but a foow 
*teleports behind you* That >w< bwought my *sighs* answew back. Bwutus hath wived my heawt. 
A fwiend shouwd beaw his fwiend's infiwmities, 
But Bwutus makes minye gweatew than they awe. 
BWUTUS. I do nyot, tiww you pwactise them *teleports behind you* on me. 
CASSIUS. Y-You wove me nyot. 
BWUTUS. I do nyot wike youw fauwts. 
CASSIUS. A fwiendwy eye couwd nyevew see such fauwts. 
BWUTUS. A fwattewew's ^.^ wouwd nyot, *sighs* though they do appeaw 
As huge as ^.^ high Owympus. 
CASSIUS. Come, Antony, and young Octavius, come, 
Wevenge youwsewves awonye *teleports behind you* on C-Cassius, 
F-Fow Cassius is aweawy of the wowwd: 
Hated ^w^ by onye he woves; *cuddles you* bwaved ^w^ by his bwothew; 
Check'd wike a b-bondman; aww his fauwts obsewved, 
Set in a nyotebook, weawn'd and conn'd ^w^ by r-wote, 
To OwO cast into my *moans* teeth. O, I couwd weep 
My spiwit fwom minye *screams* eyes! *cries* Thewe is my daggew, 
And x3 hewe my nyaked bweast; within, a heawt 
OwO Deawew than Pwuto's minye, *cuddles you* wichew than gowd. 
If *sweats* that thou best a Woman, take *moans* it fowth; 
I, *sweats* that denyied thee gowd, wiww give my heawt. 
Stwike, as thou didst at Caesaw, fow I knyow, 
When thou didst hate him wowst, thou wovedst him bettew 
*notices bulge* Than *giggles shyly* evew thou wovedst *screams* Cassius. 
BWUTUS. Sheathe youw daggew. 
Be *cries* angwy when you wiww, *moans* it shaww have scope; 
Do w-what you wiww, dishonyow shaww be humow. 
O C-Cassius, you awe UwU yoked *pokes you* with a wamb, 
*teleports behind you* That cawwies angew as the fwint beaws fiwe, 
*leans over* Who, much enfowced, shows a h-hasty spawk 
And stwaight is cowd again. 
CASSIUS. Hath Cassius wived 
To be xDD but miwth and waughtew to his Bwutus, 
When g-gwief and b-bwood iww-tempew'd vexeth him? 
BWUTUS. When I s-spoke that, I was iww-tempew'd too. 
CASSIUS. Do you *cuddles you* confess so much? Give me youw hand. 
BWUTUS. And my heawt too. 
CASSIUS. O B-Bwutus! 
BWUTUS. What's the m-mattew? 
CASSIUS. Have nyot you wove enyough to beaw *pokes you* with me 
When *sweats* that r-wash humow which my mothew gave me 
Makes me fowgetfuw? 
BWUTUS. Yes, C-Cassius, and fwom hencefowth, 
When you awe *screams* oveweawnyest *pokes you* with youw Bwutus, 
He'ww think youw mothew chides, and weave you so. 
POET. [Within.] Wet me go in to see the genyewaws. 
*cries* Thewe is *blushes* some gwudge between 'em, 'tis nyot meet 
They be awonye. 
WUCIWIUS. [Within.] Y-You shaww nyot come to them. 
POET. [Within.] Nyothing xDD but death shaww >_< stay me. 

Entew Poet, fowwowed ^w^ by Wuciwius, Titinyius, and *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

CASSIUS. H-How nyow, what's the m-mattew? 
POET. F-Fow shame, you genyewaws! What do you m-mean? 
Wove, and be fwiends, as xDD two such men shouwd be; 
F-Fow I have :33 seen mowe yeaws, I'm suwe, than >_< ye. 
CASSIUS. ^.^ Ha, ha! H-How viwewy doth this c-cynyic whyme! 
BWUTUS. Get you hence, siwwah; saucy fewwow, hence! 
CASSIUS. *looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with him, *sighs* Bwutus; 'tis his fashion. 
BWUTUS. I'ww knyow his humow when he *looks away* knyows his time. 
What shouwd the waws do *pokes you* with these jigging foows? 
C-Companyion, hence! 
CASSIUS. ^w^ Away, away, be *shuffles closer* gonye! Exit x3 Poet. 
BWUTUS. L-Wuciwius and Titinyius, bid the commandews 
>_> Pwepawe to wodge t-theiw *notices bulge* companyies t-tonyight. 
CASSIUS. And come youwsewves and b-bwing *looks away* Messawa *pokes you* with you 
Immediatewy to us. UwU Exeunt L-Wuciwius and Titinyius. 
BWUTUS. Wucius, a boww of *twerks* winye! Exit *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
CASSIUS. I did nyot think you couwd have been so :3 angwy. 
BWUTUS. O C-Cassius, I am sick of many gwiefs. 
CASSIUS. Of youw phiwosophy you make nyo use, 
If you give pwace to accidentaw eviws. 
BWUTUS. Nyo man beaws sowwow bettew. Powtia is dead. 
CASSIUS. Ha? *hugs tightly* Powtia? 
BWUTUS. She is dead. 
CASSIUS. H-How 'scaped kiwwing when I c-cwoss'd you *moans* so? 
O *shuffles closer* insuppowtabwe and touching woss! 
^-^ Upon w-what sicknyess? 
BWUTUS. I-Impatient of my absence, 
And g-gwief *sweats* that young Octavius *pokes you* with Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
Have made themsewves so stwong- fow *pokes you* with h-hew death 
*teleports behind you* That t-tidings came- *pokes you* with this she feww >w< distwact, 
And (hew attendants absent) swawwow'd fiwe. 
CASSIUS. And died *moans* so? 
BWUTUS. Even so. 
CASSIUS. O ye *moans* immowtaw gods! 

We-entew Wucius, *pokes you* with winye and *giggles shyly* tapew. 

BWUTUS. Speak nyo mowe of hew. Give me a boww of winye. 
In this I buwy aww u-unkindnyess, *screams* Cassius. Dwinks. 
CASSIUS. My heawt is thiwsty fow *sweats* that nyobwe pwedge. 
Fiww, Wucius, tiww the winye o'ewsweww the cup; 
I cannyot ^-^ dwink too much of Bwutus' wove. Dwinks. 
BWUTUS. Come in, Titinyius! Exit *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

We-entew Titinyius, *pokes you* with uWu Messawa. 

Wewcome, good uWu Messawa. 
>_> Nyow sit we cwose a-about this tapew hewe, 
And *giggles shyly* caww in question o-ouw >_> nyecessities. 
CASSIUS. Powtia, awt thou gonye? 
BWUTUS. Nyo mowe, I pway you. 
Messawa, I have x3 hewe r-weceived wettews 
*teleports behind you* That young Octavius and Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
Come down upon us *pokes you* with a mighty powew, 
Bending t-theiw expedition towawd Phiwippi. 
MESSAWA. Mysewf have wettews of the sewfsame *pokes you* tenyuwe. 
BWUTUS. With w-what addition? 
MESSAWA. *teleports behind you* That ^w^ by ^-^ pwoscwiption and biwws of xDD outwawwy 
Octavius, Antony, and Wepidus 
Have p-put to death an hundwed senyatows. 
BWUTUS. *cries* Thewe in o-ouw wettews do nyot weww agwee; 
M-Minye speak of s-seventy senyatows *sweats* that died 
By t-theiw p-pwoscwiptions, *looks at you* Cicewo being onye. 
CASSIUS. *looks at you* Cicewo onye! 
MESSAWA. *looks at you* Cicewo is dead, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that owdew of *pokes you* pwoscwiption. 
Had you youw wettews fwom youw wife, my wowd? 
BWUTUS. N-Nyo, uWu Messawa. 
MESSAWA. N-Nyow nyothing in youw wettews *moans* wwit of hew? 
BWUTUS. Nyothing, uWu Messawa. 
MESSAWA. That, methinks, is stwange. 
BWUTUS. Why ask you? Heaw you a-aught of h-hew in youws? 
MESSAWA. N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
BWUTUS. Nyow, as you awe a Woman, teww me twue. 
MESSAWA. T-Then wike a Woman beaw the uWu twuth I teww: 
F-Fow cewtain she is dead, and ^w^ by stwange mannyew. 
BWUTUS. W-Why, faweweww, P-Powtia. We must die, uWu Messawa. 
With meditating *sweats* that she must die once 
I have the p-patience to e-enduwe *moans* it nyow. 
MESSAWA. Even so gweat men gweat wosses shouwd enduwe. 
CASSIUS. I have as much of this in awt as y-you, 
But yet my nyatuwe couwd nyot beaw *moans* it so. 
BWUTUS. *sighs* Weww, to o-ouw wowk awive. What do you think 
Of mawching to Phiwippi pwesentwy? 
CASSIUS. I do nyot think *moans* it good. 
BWUTUS. Youw weason? 
CASSIUS. This *moans* it ^w^ is: 
'Tis bettew *sweats* that the enyemy seek us; 
So shaww he waste his UwU means, weawy his sowdiews, 
Doing himsewf offense, whiwst we wying stiww 
Awe fuww of west, >w< defense, and nyimbwenyess. 
BWUTUS. Good weasons must of fowce give pwace to bettew. 
The peopwe 'twixt Phiwippi and this gwound 
Do *looks at you* stand xDD but in a fowced affection, 
F-Fow they have gwudged us contwibution. 
The enyemy, mawching awong ^w^ by them, 
By them shaww make a fuwwew nyumbew up, 
Come *teleports behind you* on wefwesh'd, nyew-added, and encouwaged; 
Fwom which advantage shaww we cut him off 
If at Phiwippi we do *cuddles you* face him thewe, 
These peopwe at o-ouw back. 
CASSIUS. Heaw me, good bwothew. 
BWUTUS. Undew youw pawdon. Y-You must *pokes you* nyote beside 
*teleports behind you* That we have twied the utmost of o-ouw fwiends, 
Ouw l-wegions awe bwim-fuww, o-ouw c-cause is wipe: 
The enyemy i-incweaseth evewy day; 
We, at the height, awe r-weady to decwinye. 
*cries* Thewe is a tide in the affaiws of men 
Which taken at the *sweats* fwood weads *teleports behind you* on to fowtunye; 
Omitted, aww the voyage of t-theiw wife 
*looks at you* Is bound in shawwows and in misewies. 
On such a fuww *notices bulge* sea awe we n-nyow a-afwoat, 
And we must take the cuwwent when *moans* it sewves, 
Ow wose o-ouw ventuwes. 
CASSIUS. Then, *pokes you* with youw wiww, go on; 
We'ww awong ouwsewves and meet them at Phiwippi. 
BWUTUS. The deep of nyight is cwept upon o-ouw tawk, 
And nyatuwe must obey nyecessity, 
Which we wiww nyiggawd *pokes you* with a wittwe west. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo mowe to say? 
CASSIUS. Nyo mowe. Good nyight. 
*cries* Eawwy t-tomowwow wiww we wise and hence. 
BWUTUS. Wucius! 

We-entew *shuffles closer* Wucius. 

My gown. Exit *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
Faweweww, good Messawa; 
Good nyight, uWu Titinyius; *looks at you* nyobwe, nyobwe C-Cassius, 
Good nyight and good wepose. 
CASSIUS. O my deaw bwothew! 
This was an iww UwU beginnying of the nyight. 
Nyevew come such division *looks at you* 'tween o-ouw souws! 
Wet *moans* it nyot, Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. Evewything is weww. 
CASSIUS. Good nyight, my l-wowd. 
BWUTUS. Good nyight, good bwothew. 
TITINyIUS. MESSAWA. Good nyight, Wowd Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. Faweweww, evewyonye. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Bwutus. 

We-entew Wucius, *pokes you* with the gown. 

Give me the gown. Whewe is t-thy instwument? 
WUCIUS. Hewe in the *looks away* tent. 
BWUTUS. What, thou speak'st dwowsiwy? 
Poow knyave, I bwame thee nyot, thou awt o'ewwatch'd. 
Caww Cwaudio and *blushes* some othew of my men, 
I'ww have them sweep *teleports behind you* on cushions in my *looks away* tent. 
WUCIUS. *twerks* Vawwo and Cwaudio! 

Entew *twerks* Vawwo and ^-^ Cwaudio. 

VAWWO. Cawws my wowd? 
BWUTUS. I pway y-you, siws, wie in my tent and sweep; 
It may be I shaww waise you ^w^ by and ^w^ by 
On businyess to my b-bwothew *screams* Cassius. 
VAWWO. So pwease y-you, we wiww *looks at you* stand and watch youw pweasuwe. 
BWUTUS. I ^.^ wouwd nyot have *moans* it so. Wie *giggles shyly* down, good siws. 
It may be I shaww othewwise bethink me. 
Wook Wucius, hewe's the book I sought fow so; 
I p-put *moans* it in the pocket of my gown. 
*twerks* Vawwo and Cwaudio wie :33 down. 
WUCIUS. I was suwe youw wowdship did nyot give *moans* it me. 
BWUTUS. *looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with me, good boy, I am much x3 fowgetfuw. 
C-Canst thou howd up t-thy heavy eyes awhiwe, 
And touch t-thy i-instwument a s-stwain *blushes* ow two? 
WUCIUS. :33 Ay, my wowd, an't pwease you. 
BWUTUS. It does, my boy. 
I t-twoubwe thee too *twerks* much, xDD but thou awt *teleports behind you* wiwwing. 
WUCIUS. It is my duty, siw. 
BWUTUS. I shouwd nyot uwge t-thy duty past t-thy might; 
I knyow young bwoods wook fow a time of west. 
WUCIUS. I have swept, my wowd, awweady. 
BWUTUS. It was weww donye, and thou shawt sweep again; 
I wiww nyot howd thee l-wong. If I do *teleports behind you* wive, 
I wiww be good to thee. Music, and a song. 
This is a sweepy tunye. O m-muwthewous s-swumbew, 
Wayest thou t-thy weaden mace upon my *cries* boy 
*teleports behind you* That pways thee music? Gentwe knyave, good nyight. 
I wiww nyot do thee so much wwong to wake thee. 
If thou dost nyod, thou b-bweak'st t-thy instwument; 
I'ww take *moans* it fwom thee; and, good boy, good nyight. 
Wet me see, wet me see; is nyot the weaf tuwn'd down 
Whewe I >w< weft weading? Hewe *moans* it *screams* is, I think. *cries* Sits :33 down. 

Entew the Ghost of Caesaw. 

H-How iww this tapew buwns! ^.^ Ha, w-who c-comes hewe? 
I think *moans* it is the weaknyess of minye eyes 
*teleports behind you* That shapes this monstwous *teleports behind you* appawition. 
It c-comes upon me. Awt thou :33 anything? 
Awt thou *blushes* some g-god, *blushes* some angew, *blushes* ow *blushes* some deviw 
*teleports behind you* That makest my b-bwood cowd and my haiw to stawe? 
Speak to me w-what thou awt. 
GHOST. Thy eviw spiwit, Bwutus. 
BWUTUS. Why comest thou? 
GHOST. To teww thee thou shawt see me at Phiwippi. 
BWUTUS. *sighs* Weww, then I shaww see thee a-again? 
GHOST. :33 Ay, at Phiwippi. 
BWUTUS. W-Why, I wiww see thee at Phiwippi UwU then. Exit Ghost. 
>_> Nyow I have taken heawt thou vanyishest. 
I-Iww spiwit, I ^.^ wouwd howd mowe tawk *pokes you* with thee. 
Boy! Wucius! Vawwo! Cwaudio! S-Siws, awake! 
Cwaudio! 
WUCIUS. The stwings, my wowd, awe fawse. 
BWUTUS. He thinks he stiww is at his instwument. 
Wucius, awake! 
WUCIUS. My wowd? 
BWUTUS. D-Didst thou dweam, Wucius, *sweats* that thou so cwiedst out? 
WUCIUS. My wowd, I do nyot knyow *sweats* that I did cwy. 
BWUTUS. Yes, *sweats* that thou didst. D-Didst thou see :33 anything? 
WUCIUS. Nyothing, my l-wowd. 
BWUTUS. *sighs* Sweep again, *shuffles closer* Wucius. *leans over* Siwwah Cwaudio! 
[To Vawwo.] Fewwow thou, awake! 
VAWWO. My wowd? 
CWAUDIO. My wowd? 
BWUTUS. Why did you so cwy *pokes you* out, siws, in youw *shuffles closer* sweep? 
VAWWO. CWAUDIO. *sweats* Did w-we, my wowd? 
BWUTUS. :33 Ay, *moans* saw you :33 anything? 
VAWWO. N-Nyo, my wowd, I *moans* saw n-nyothing. 
CWAUDIO. N-Nyow I, my l-wowd. 
BWUTUS. Go and commend me to my b-bwothew *shuffles closer* Cassius; 
B-Bid him set *teleports behind you* on his powews *looks away* betimes befowe, 
And we wiww fowwow. 
VAWWO. CWAUDIO. It shaww be donye, my l-wowd. *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
The pwains of Phiwippi. 

Entew Octavius, Antony, and t-theiw Awmy. 

OCTAVIUS. Nyow, Antony, o-ouw hopes awe answewed. 
Y-You s-said the enyemy ^.^ wouwd nyot come *giggles shyly* down, 
But keep the hiwws and uppew wegions. 
It pwoves nyot so. T-Theiw battwes awe at hand; 
They *looks at you* mean to ^.^ wawn us at Phiwippi hewe, 
Answewing befowe we do demand of them. 
ANTONY. Tut, I am in t-theiw bosoms, and I knyow 
Whewefowe they do it. They couwd be content 
To visit othew pwaces, and come down 
With f-feawfuw bwavewy, thinking ^w^ by this *cuddles you* face 
To fasten in o-ouw *hugs tightly* thoughts *sweats* that they have couwage; 
But 'tis nyot so. 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

MESSENGEW. >_> Pwepawe y-you, genyewaws. 
The enyemy c-comes *teleports behind you* on in gawwant s-show; 
T-Theiw bwoody sign of battwe is hung *pokes you* out, 
And s-something to be donye immediatewy. 
ANTONY. Octavius, wead youw battwe softwy on, 
^-^ Upon the >w< weft h-hand of the even f-fiewd. 
OCTAVIUS. ^-^ Upon the wight h-hand I, keep thou the weft. 
ANTONY. Why do you cwoss me in this e-exigent? 
OCTAVIUS. I do nyot cwoss y-you, xDD but I wiww do so. 

M-Mawch. Dwum. Entew Bwutus, C-Cassius, and t-theiw Awmy; 
Wuciwius, Titinyius, Messawa, and o-othews. 

BWUTUS. They stand, and ^.^ wouwd have pawwey. 
CASSIUS. Stand fast, uWu Titinyius; we must out and tawk. 
OCTAVIUS. Mawk Antony, shaww we give sign of battwe? 
ANTONY. N-Nyo, Caesaw, we wiww *sighs* answew *teleports behind you* on t-theiw chawge. 
Make fowth, the g-genyewaws ^.^ wouwd have *blushes* some wowds. 
OCTAVIUS. Stiw nyot u-untiw the signyaw nyot u-untiw the ;;w;; signyaw. 
BWUTUS. W-Wowds befowe b-bwows. *looks at you* Is *moans* it so, countwymen? 
OCTAVIUS. Nyot *sweats* that we wove wowds *blushes* bettew, as you do. 
BWUTUS. Good wowds awe bettew than UwU bad stwokes, Octavius. 
ANTONY. In youw UwU bad stwokes, Bwutus, you give good wowds. 
Witnyess the OwO howe you made in Caesaw's h-heawt, 
Cwying *moans* "Wong wive! *blushes* Haiw, C-Caesaw!" 
CASSIUS. Antony, 
The postuwe of youw bwows awe yet unknyown; 
But fow youw wowds, they wob the Hybwa bees, 
And weave them h-honyeywess. 
ANTONY. Nyot stingwess too. 
BWUTUS. O, yes, and soundwess too, 
F-Fow you have stow'n t-theiw buzzing, Antony, 
And vewy wisewy >_< thweat befowe you sting. 
ANTONY. Viwwains! Y-You did nyot so when youw viwe daggews 
Hack'd onye anyothew in the sides of Caesaw. 
Y-You show'd youw teeth wike apes, and fawn'd wike hounds, 
And bow'd wike b-bondmen, *sweats* kissing Caesaw's feet; 
Whiwst d-damnyed Casca, wike a c-cuw, UwU behind 
Stwooke Caesaw *teleports behind you* on the nyeck. O you fwattewews! 
CASSIUS. Fwattewews? Nyow, Bwutus, t-thank youwsewf. 
This t-tongue h-had nyot offended so today, 
If Cassius might have wuwed. 
OCTAVIUS. Come, come, the xDD cause. If a-awguing make us sweat, 
The *giggles shyly* pwoof of *moans* it wiww tuwn to ^.^ weddew dwops. 
Wook, 
I dwaw a swowd against *sweats* conspiwatows; 
When think you *sweats* that the swowd goes up a-again? 
Nyevew, tiww Caesaw's thwee and thiwty ^.^ wounds 
Be weww avenged, *blushes* ow tiww anyothew Caesaw 
Have x3 added swaughtew to the swowd of twaitows. 
BWUTUS. Caesaw, thou ;;w;; canst nyot die ^w^ by twaitows' uWu hands, 
*leans over* Unwess thou bwing'st them *pokes you* with thee. 
OCTAVIUS. So I hope, 
I was nyot bown to die *teleports behind you* on Bwutus' *shuffles closer* swowd. 
BWUTUS. O, if thou wewt the nyobwest of t-thy stwain, 
Young m-man, thou couwdst nyot die mowe honyowabwe. 
CASSIUS. A peevish schoow boy, wowthwess of such honyow, 
Join'd *pokes you* with a maskew and a wevewew! 
ANTONY. O-Owd Cassius stiww! 
OCTAVIUS. Come, Antony, *shuffles closer* away! 
*teleports behind you* Defiance, twaitows, huww we in youw *moans* teeth. 
If you dawe fight today, come to the fiewd; 
If nyot, when you have stomachs. 
UwU Exeunt Octavius, Antony, and t-theiw Awmy. 
CASSIUS. W-Why, nyow, bwow and, *pokes you* sweww biwwow, and *cuddles you* swim bawk! 
The s-stowm is up, and aww is *teleports behind you* on the hazawd. 
BWUTUS. Ho, *looks away* Wuciwius! Hawk, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
WUCIWIUS. [Stands *pokes you* fowth.] My wowd? 
Bwutus and L-Wuciwius convewse apawt. 
CASSIUS. *blushes* Messawa! 
MESSAWA. [Stands *pokes you* fowth.] What says my genyewaw? 
CASSIUS. Messawa, 
This is my biwthday, as this vewy day 
*hugs tightly* Was Cassius b-bown. Give me t-thy hand, uWu Messawa. 
Be thou my witnyess that, against my wiww, 
As Pompey was, am I compeww'd to set 
^-^ Upon onye battwe aww o-ouw wibewties. 
Y-You knyow *sweats* that I hewd Epicuwus stwong, 
And his opinyion. >_> Nyow I change my *leans over* mind, 
And pawtwy *screams* cwedit things *sweats* that do pwesage. 
C-Coming fwom Sawdis, *teleports behind you* on o-ouw f-fowmew ensign 
Two mighty eagwes *giggles shyly* feww, and thewe they pewch'd, 
*hugs tightly* Gowging and feeding fwom o-ouw sowdiews' uWu hands, 
Who to Phiwippi x3 hewe consowted us. 
This mownying awe they OwO fwed away and :3 gonye, 
And in t-theiw steads do wavens, cwows, and kites 
Fwy o'ew o-ouw :33 heads and downwawd wook *teleports behind you* on us, 
As we wewe sickwy ^.^ pwey. T-Theiw shadows seem 
A c-canyopy most fataw, undew which 
Ouw awmy wies, r-weady to give up the ghost. 
MESSAWA. Bewieve nyot so. 
CASSIUS. I xDD but bewieve *moans* it pawtwy, 
F-Fow I am fwesh of spiwit and OwO wesowved 
To meet aww pewiws vewy *giggles shyly* constantwy. 
BWUTUS. Even so, L-Wuciwius. 
CASSIUS. Nyow, most nyobwe Bwutus, 
The gods t-today *looks at you* stand fwiendwy *sweats* that we may, 
>_< Wovews in peace, wead *teleports behind you* on o-ouw days to age! 
But, s-since the affaiws of men west stiww incewtain, 
Wet's weason *pokes you* with the *sweats* wowst *sweats* that may befaww. 
If we do wose this battwe, then is this 
The vewy wast time we shaww speak togethew. 
What awe you then *sighs* detewminyed to do? 
BWUTUS. Even ^w^ by the wuwe of *sweats* that phiwosophy 
By which I did bwame uWu Cato fow the death 
Which he did give himsewf- I knyow nyot how, 
But I do find *moans* it cowawdwy and v-viwe, 
F-Fow feaw of w-what might faww, so to pwevent 
The time of wife- awming m-mysewf *pokes you* with p-patience 
To >_< stay the pwovidence of *blushes* some ^.^ high powews 
*teleports behind you* That govewn us bewow. 
CASSIUS. Then, if we wose this battwe, 
Y-You awe contented to be *looks away* wed in twiumph 
Thowough the stweets of Wome? 
BWUTUS. N-Nyo, C-Cassius, nyo. Think nyot, thou nyobwe Woman, 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew Bwutus wiww go bound to Wome; 
He beaws too gweat a mind. But this same day 
M-Must end *sweats* that wowk the ides of Mawch begun. 
And whethew we shaww meet ;;w;; again I knyow nyot. 
Thewefowe o-ouw evewwasting faweweww take. 
Fowevew, and fowevew, faweweww, Cassius! 
If we do meet again, why, we shaww smiwe; 
If nyot, why then this pawting was weww made. 
CASSIUS. F-Fowevew and fowevew faweweww, B-Bwutus! 
If we do meet again, we'ww smiwe indeed; 
If nyot, 'tis twue this pawting was weww made. 
BWUTUS. Why then, wead on. O, *sweats* that a man might knyow 
The end of this day's businyess ewe *moans* it come! 
But *moans* it *sighs* sufficeth *sweats* that the day wiww end, 
And then the end is k-knyown. Come, ho! Away! *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
The fiewd of battwe. 

Awawum. Entew Bwutus and uWu Messawa. 

BWUTUS. Wide, wide, Messawa, wide, and give these biwws 
Unto the l-wegions *teleports behind you* on the othew s-side. Woud awawum. 
Wet them set *teleports behind you* on at o-once, fow I p-pewceive 
But cowd demeanyow in O-Octavia's wing, 
And sudden OwO push gives them the ovewthwow. 
Wide, wide, uWu Messawa. Wet them aww come :33 down. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the f-fiewd. 

Awawums. Entew Cassius and Titinyius. 

CASSIUS. O, wook, Titinyius, wook, the viwwains fwy! 
Mysewf have to minye own tuwn'd enyemy. 
This ensign x3 hewe of minye was x3 tuwnying back; 
I swew the cowawd, and did take *moans* it fwom him. 
TITINyIUS. O C-Cassius, Bwutus gave the wowd too ^-^ eawwy, 
*leans over* Who, having *blushes* some advantage *teleports behind you* on Octavius, 
Took *moans* it too eagewwy. His sowdiews feww to spoiw, 
Whiwst we ^w^ by *teleports behind you* Antony awe aww encwosed. 

Entew Pindawus. 

PINDAWUS. Fwy *twerks* fuwthew off, my wowd, f-fwy *twerks* fuwthew off; 
Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony is in youw tents, my wowd; 
Fwy, thewefowe, nyobwe C-Cassius, f-fwy faw off. 
CASSIUS. This hiww is faw enyough. Wook, wook, Titinyius: 
Awe those my tents whewe I p-pewceive the fiwe? 
TITINyIUS. They awe, my l-wowd. 
CASSIUS. Titinyius, if thou wovest me, 
Mount thou my howse and hide t-thy spuws in him, 
Tiww he have >w< bwought thee up to y-yondew *teleports behind you* twoops 
And x3 hewe again, *sweats* that I may west assuwed 
Whethew :3 yond *teleports behind you* twoops awe fwiend *blushes* ow enyemy. 
TITINyIUS. I wiww be x3 hewe again, even *pokes you* with a thought. *sweats* Exit. 
CASSIUS. Go, Pindawus, get highew *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that hiww; 
My s-sight was *giggles shyly* evew thick; wegawd Titinyius, 
And teww me w-what thou nyotest a-about the f-fiewd. 
Pindawus ascends the *cries* hiww. 
This day I bweathed fiwst: time is come wound, 
And whewe I did begin, thewe shaww I *teleports behind you* end; 
My wife is wun his compass. S-Siwwah, w-what nyews? 
PINDAWUS. [Above.] O my wowd! 
CASSIUS. What nyews? 
PINDAWUS. [Above.] Titinyius is encwosed wound a-about 
With howsemen, *sweats* that make to him *teleports behind you* on the spuw; 
Y-Yet he spuws on. >_> Nyow they awe awmost *teleports behind you* on him. 
Nyow, Titinyius! >_> Nyow *blushes* some wight. O, he wights too. 
He's t-ta'en [Shout.] And, hawk! They *giggles shyly* shout fow *giggles shyly* joy. 
CASSIUS. Come down; behowd nyo mowe. 
O, cowawd *sweats* that I am, to wive so wong, 
To see my best fwiend t-ta'en befowe my f-face! 
Pindawus descends. 
Come h-hithew, siwwah. 
In Pawthia did I take thee *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
And then I >_> swowe ^w^ thee, saving of t-thy l-wife, 
*teleports behind you* That whatsoevew I did bid thee do, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst attempt it. Come nyow, keep thinye oath; 
>_> Nyow be a fweeman, and *pokes you* with this good swowd, 
*teleports behind you* That wan uWu thwough Caesaw's bowews, seawch this bosom. 
Stand nyot to ;;w;; answew: hewe, take thou the hiwts; 
And when my *cuddles you* face is covew'd, as 'tis nyow, 
G-Guide thou the *shuffles closer* swowd. [Pindawus UwU stabs him.] Caesaw, thou awt 
wevenged, 
Even *pokes you* with the swowd *sweats* that kiww'd thee. Dies. 
PINDAWUS. >_> So, I am fwee, yet ^.^ wouwd nyot so have been, 
Duwst I have donye my wiww. O Cassius! 
Faw fwom this *looks at you* countwy Pindawus shaww ^-^ wun, 
Whewe nyevew Woman shaww take *pokes you* nyote of him. *sweats* Exit. 

We-entew Titinyius *pokes you* with uWu Messawa. 

MESSAWA. It is xDD but *cries* change, Titinyius, fow Octavius 
*looks at you* Is *screams* ovewthwown ^w^ by nyobwe Bwutus' powew, 
As *pokes you* Cassius' l-wegions awe ^w^ by Antony. 
TITINyIUS. These t-tidings ^.^ wouwd weww comfowt *screams* Cassius. 
MESSAWA. Whewe did you weave him? 
TITINyIUS. Aww disconsowate, 
With Pindawus his bondman, *teleports behind you* on this *cries* hiww. 
MESSAWA. *looks at you* Is nyot *sweats* that he *sweats* that wies upon the gwound? 
TITINyIUS. He wies nyot wike the wiving. O my heawt! 
MESSAWA. *looks at you* Is nyot *sweats* that *sighs* he? 
TITINyIUS. N-Nyo, this was he, Messawa, 
But Cassius is nyo mowe. O >_> setting sun, 
As in t-thy wed *cuddles you* ways thou dost sink to nyight, 
So in his wed b-bwood *pokes you* Cassius' day is set, 
The *moans* sun of Wome is set! Ouw day is gonye; 
Cwouds, *notices bulge* dews, and dangews come; o-ouw deeds awe donye! 
*screams* Mistwust of my success hath donye this deed. 
MESSAWA. *screams* Mistwust of good success hath donye this deed. 
O *sweats* hatefuw ewwow, mewanchowy's chiwd, 
Why dost thou show to the apt *hugs tightly* thoughts of men 
The things *sweats* that awe nyot? O ewwow, soon conceived, 
*moans* Thou nyevew comest unto a happy biwth, 
But kiww'st the mothew *sweats* that engendew'd thee! 
TITINyIUS. What, Pindawus! Whewe awt thou, Pindawus? 
MESSAWA. Seek him, Titinyius, whiwst I go to meet 
The nyobwe Bwutus, thwusting this wepowt 
Into his eaws. I may say "thwusting" it, 
F-Fow piewcing steew and *looks at you* dawts e-envenyomed 
Shaww be as wewcome to the eaws of Bwutus 
As t-tidings of this s-sight. 
TITINyIUS. Hie y-you, Messawa, 
And I wiww seek fow Pindawus the whiwe. Exit uWu Messawa. 
Why didst thou send me fowth, bwave Cassius? 
*sweats* Did I nyot meet t-thy fwiends? And did nyot they 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on my bwows this wweath of v-victowy, 
And bid me give *moans* it *moans* thee? D-Didst thou nyot heaw t-theiw shouts? 
A-Awas, thou hast misconstwued evewything! 
But, howd ^w^ thee, take this gawwand *teleports behind you* on t-thy bwow; 
Thy Bwutus bid me give *moans* it ^w^ thee, and I 
Wiww do his bidding. Bwutus, come apace, 
And see how I wegawded C-Caius *screams* Cassius. 
By youw weave, g-gods, this is a Woman's pawt. 
Come, *pokes you* Cassius' swowd, and find Titinyius' heawt. 
Kiwws h-himsewf. 

Awawum. We-entew Messawa, *pokes you* with Bwutus, young Cato, 
and o-othews. 

BWUTUS. Whewe, whewe, Messawa, doth his body wie? 
MESSAWA. *looks away* Wo, yondew, and Titinyius *sweats* mouwnying it. 
BWUTUS. Titinyius' *cuddles you* face is upwawd. 
C-CATO. He is swain. 
BWUTUS. O Juwius Caesaw, thou awt mighty yet! 
Thy spiwit wawks abwoad, and tuwns o-ouw ^w^ swowds 
In o-ouw own pwopew entwaiws. Wow awawums. 
C-CATO. Bwave Titinyius! 
Wook whe'ew he have nyot c-cwown'd dead Cassius! 
BWUTUS. Awe yet xDD two Womans l-wiving such as these? 
The wast of aww the uWu Womans, fawe thee weww! 
It is impossibwe *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew Wome 
Shouwd bweed t-thy fewwow. *looks away* Fwiends, I owe *pokes you* moe teaws 
To this dead man than you shaww see me pay. 
I shaww find time, C-Cassius, I shaww find time. 
Come thewefowe, and to Thasos send his b-body; 
His funyewaws shaww nyot be in o-ouw camp, 
West *moans* it discomfowt us. Wuciwius, come, 
And come, young Cato; wet us to the f-fiewd. 
^-^ Wabio and Fwavio, set o-ouw battwes on. 
'Tis thwee *screams* o'cwock, and uWu Womans, yet ewe nyight 
We shaww t-twy fowtunye in a second fight. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the f-fiewd. 

Awawum. Entew, *shuffles closer* fighting, Sowdiews of b-both awmies; then Bwutus, young Cato, 
Wuciwius, and o-othews. 

BWUTUS. Yet, countwymen, O, yet howd up youw heads! 
C-CATO. What bastawd doth nyot? Who wiww go *pokes you* with me? 
I wiww pwocwaim my nyame a-about the f-fiewd. 
I am the son of Mawcus Cato, ho! 
A foe to tywants, and my countwy's fwiend. 
I am the son of Mawcus Cato, ho! 
BWUTUS. And I am Bwutus, Mawcus Bwutus, I; 
Bwutus, my countwy's fwiend; knyow me fow B-Bwutus! *sweats* Exit. 
WUCIWIUS. O young and nyobwe Cato, awt thou down? 
W-Why, n-nyow thou d-diest as bwavewy as Titinyius, 
And m-mayst be h-honyow'd, being Cato's son. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. Yiewd, *blushes* ow thou diest. 
WUCIWIUS. Onwy I y-yiewd to die. 
[-[Offews monyey.] *cries* Thewe is so much *sweats* that thou wiwt kiww me stwaight: 
Kiww Bwutus, and be honyow'd in his death. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. We must nyot. A nyobwe p-pwisonyew! 
SECOND S-SOWDIEW. Woom, ho! Teww Antony, Bwutus is t-ta'en. 
FIWST S-SOWDIEW. I'ww teww the n-nyews. Hewe c-comes the genyewaw. 

Entew Antony. 

Bwutus is ta'en, Bwutus is ta'en, my l-wowd. 
ANTONY. Whewe is *sighs* he? 
WUCIWIUS. Safe, Antony, Bwutus is safe enyough. 
I dawe ;;w;; assuwe thee *sweats* that nyo enyemy 
Shaww *giggles shyly* evew take awive the nyobwe *sighs* Bwutus; 
The gods defend him fwom so gweat a ^-^ shame! 
When you do find him, *blushes* ow awive *blushes* ow dead, 
He wiww be ^w^ found wike Bwutus, wike h-himsewf. 
ANTONY. This is nyot Bwutus, f-fwiend, but, I ;;w;; assuwe y-you, 
A pwize nyo wess in w-wowth. Keep this man safe, 
Give him aww kindnyess; I h-had wathew have 
*screams* Such men my fwiends than enyemies. Go on, 
And see wheew Bwutus be awive *blushes* ow dead, 
And b-bwing us wowd unto Octavius' tent 
H-How evewything is chanced. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the f-fiewd. 

Entew Bwutus, Dawdanyius, C-Cwitus, ^w^ Stwato, and Vowumnyius. 

BWUTUS. Come, poow >_> wemains of fwiends, west *teleports behind you* on this wock. 
C-CWITUS. Statiwius show'd the towchwight, but, my wowd, 
He came nyot back. He is *blushes* ow t-ta'en *blushes* ow swain. 
BWUTUS. Sit thee *giggles shyly* down, Cwitus. Swaying is the wowd: 
It is a deed in fashion. Hawk ^w^ thee, Cwitus. Whispews. 
C-CWITUS. What, I, my wowd? N-Nyo, nyot fow aww the wowwd. 
BWUTUS. Peace then, nyo wowds. 
C-CWITUS. I'ww wathew kiww mysewf. 
BWUTUS. Hawk ^w^ thee, Dawdanyius. Whispews. 
D-DAWDANyIUS. Shaww I do such a deed? 
C-CWITUS. O Dawdanyius! 
D-DAWDANyIUS. O Cwitus! 
C-CWITUS. What iww wequest did Bwutus make to *moans* thee? 
D-DAWDANyIUS. To kiww him, Cwitus. Wook, he meditates. 
C-CWITUS. >_> Nyow is *sweats* that nyobwe vessew fuww of gwief, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it wuns ovew even at his eyes. 
BWUTUS. Come h-hithew, good Vowumnyius, :33 wist a wowd. 
VOWUMNyIUS. What says my wowd? 
BWUTUS. W-Why, t-this, Vowumnyius: 
The ghost of Caesaw hath appeaw'd to me 
Two sevewaw times ^w^ by nyight; at *sighs* Sawdis o-once, 
And this wast nyight x3 hewe in Phiwippi fiewds. 
I knyow my houw is come. 
VOWUMNyIUS. Nyot so, my l-wowd. 
BWUTUS. Nyay I am suwe *moans* it *screams* is, Vowumnyius. 
*moans* Thou seest the wowwd, Vowumnyius, how *moans* it goes; 
Ouw enyemies have beat us to the *teleports behind you* pit; Wow awawums. 
It is mowe wowthy to weap in ouwsewves 
*notices bulge* Than tawwy tiww they OwO push us. Good Vowumnyius, 
*moans* Thou knyow'st *sweats* that we xDD two went to schoow togethew; 
Even fow *sweats* that o-ouw wove of owd, I pwithee, 
H-Howd thou my swowd-hiwts, whiwst I wun *teleports behind you* on it. 
VOWUMNyIUS. That's nyot an office fow a f-fwiend, my l-wowd. 
:33 Awawum stiww. 
C-CWITUS. Fwy, fwy, my wowd, thewe is nyo t-tawwying hewe. 
BWUTUS. Faweweww to y-you, and y-you, and y-you, Vowumnyius. 
^w^ Stwato, thou hast been aww this whiwe asweep; 
Faweweww to thee too, Stwato. Countwymen, 
My heawt doth joy *sweats* that yet in aww my wife 
I ^w^ found nyo man xDD but he was twue to me. 
I shaww have gwowy ^w^ by this wosing day, 
Mowe than Octavius and Mawk *teleports behind you* Antony 
By this viwe *moans* conquest shaww attain unto. 
>_> So, fawe you weww at o-once, fow Bwutus' t-tongue 
Hath awmost ended his wife's histowy. 
Nyight >_> hangs upon minye e-eyes, my b-bonyes ^.^ wouwd west 
*teleports behind you* That have xDD but wabow'd to attain this houw. 
Awawum. Cwy within, "Fwy, fwy, fwy!" 
C-CWITUS. Fwy, my wowd, fwy. 
BWUTUS. Hence! I wiww fowwow. 
UwU Exeunt C-Cwitus, Dawdanyius, and Vowumnyius. 
I pwithee, ^w^ Stwato, >_< stay thou ^w^ by t-thy l-wowd. 
*moans* Thou awt a fewwow of a good wespect; 
Thy wife hath h-had *blushes* some smatch of h-honyow in it. 
H-Howd then my swowd, and tuwn away t-thy face, 
Whiwe I do wun upon it. Wiwt thou, Stwato? 
STWATO. Give me youw h-hand fiwst. Fawe you weww, my l-wowd. 
BWUTUS. Faweweww, good Stwato. Wuns *teleports behind you* on his *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Caesaw, n-nyow be stiww; 
I kiww'd nyot thee *pokes you* with h-hawf so good a wiww. Dies. 

Awawum. Wetweat. Entew Octavius, Antony, Messawa, 
Wuciwius, and the Awmy. 

OCTAVIUS. What man is that? 
MESSAWA. My m-mastew's *pokes you* man. ^w^ Stwato, whewe is t-thy mastew? 
STWATO. Fwee fwom the bondage you awe in, M-Messawa: 
The x3 conquewows can xDD but make a fiwe of :3 him; 
F-Fow Bwutus onwy ovewcame ^.^ himsewf, 
And nyo man e-ewse hath h-honyow ^w^ by his death. 
WUCIWIUS. So Bwutus shouwd be found. I t-thank ^w^ thee, Bwutus, 
*teleports behind you* That thou hast >w< pwoved Wuciwius' >w< saying twue. 
OCTAVIUS. Aww *sweats* that sewved Bwutus, I wiww e-entewtain them. 
Fewwow, wiwt thou bestow t-thy time *pokes you* with me? 
STWATO. :33 Ay, if *looks away* Messawa wiww pwefew me to you. 
OCTAVIUS. Do so, good uWu Messawa. 
MESSAWA. H-How died my mastew, Stwato? 
STWATO. I hewd the swowd, and he did wun *teleports behind you* on it. 
MESSAWA. Octavius, then take him to f-fowwow thee 
*teleports behind you* That did the >_> watest sewvice to my :33 mastew. 
ANTONY. This was the nyobwest Woman of them aww. 
Aww the conspiwatows, uWu save onwy he, 
*sweats* Did *sweats* that they did in envy of gweat Caesaw; 
He onwy, in a *screams* genyewaw honyest thought 
And common good to a-aww, made onye of them. 
His wife was gentwe, and the *sighs* ewements 
So mix'd in him *sweats* that Nyatuwe might *looks at you* stand up 
And say to aww the wowwd, "This was a m-man!" 
OCTAVIUS. Accowding to his *hugs tightly* viwtue wet us use him 
With aww wespect and wites of buwiaw. 
Within my tent his b-bonyes tonyight shaww >_< wie, 
Most wike a sowdiew, owdewed honyowabwy. 
So *giggles shyly* caww the fiewd to west, and wet's away, 
To *cries* pawt the gwowies of this happy day. *cries* Exeunt. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 






1606 


THE TWAGEDY OF KING *screams* WEAW 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 




Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Weaw, King of Bwitain. 
King of Fwance. 
D-Duke of Buwgundy. 
D-Duke of Cownwaww. 
D-Duke of Awbany. 
E-Eaww of Kent. 
E-Eaww of Gwoucestew. 
Edgaw, son of Gwoucestew. 
Edmund, bastawd son to Gwoucestew. 
Cuwan, a *leans over* couwtiew. 
O-Owd Man, t-tenyant to Gwoucestew. 
Doctow. 
Weaw's F-Foow. 
Oswawd, stewawd to Gonyewiw. 
A Captain undew Edmund's *sweats* command. 
Gentwemen. 
A Hewawd. 
Sewvants to Cownwaww. 

*pokes you* Gonyewiw, daughtew to Weaw. 
Wegan, daughtew to Weaw. 
:3 Cowdewia, daughtew to Weaw. 

Knyights attending *teleports behind you* on Weaw, O-Officews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Sowdiews, 
Attendants. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



Scenye: - Bwitain. 


ACT I. >w< Scenye I. 
[King Weaw's Pawace.] 

Entew Kent, Gwoucestew, and Edmund. [Kent and Gwouceste c-convewse. 
*hugs tightly* Edmund stands back.] 

Kent. I thought the King h-had mowe *cuddles you* affected the D-Duke of Awbany than 
Cownwaww. 
Gwou. It did awways seem so to us; xDD but nyow, in the division of the 
kingdom, *moans* it a-appeaws nyot which of the Dukes he vawues most, fow 
e-equawities awe so weigh'd *sweats* that cuwiosity in nyeithew can make 
choice of eithew's moiety. 
Kent. *looks at you* Is nyot this youw son, my wowd? 
Gwou. His bweeding, siw, hath been at my chawge. I have so *looks away* often 
bwush'd to acknyowwedge him *sweats* that n-nyow I am bwaz'd to't. 
Kent. I cannyot conceive you. 
Gwou. Siw, this young fewwow's mothew couwd; wheweupon she gwew 
wound-womb'd, and h-had indeed, siw, a son fow h-hew cwadwe ewe she 
h-had a h-husband fow h-hew *twerks* bed. Do you smeww a fauwt? 
Kent. I cannyot wish the fauwt u-undonye, the issue of *moans* it being so 
p-pwopew. 
Gwou. But I h-have, siw, a son ^w^ by owdew of waw, *blushes* some *leans over* yeaw ewdew than 
t-this, w-who yet is nyo deawew in my account. Though this knyave came 
s-something x3 sauciwy into the wowwd befowe he was OwO sent *notices bulge* fow, yet was 
his mothew uWu faiw, thewe was good spowt at his making, and the 
whoweson must be a-acknyowwedged.- Do you knyow this nyobwe g-gentweman, 
Edmund? 
Edm. [comes f-fowwawd] N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
Gwou. My Wowd of Kent. Wemembew him heweaftew as my honyouwabwe 
fwiend. 
Edm. My sewvices to youw wowdship. 
Kent. I must wove y-you, and sue to knyow you bettew. 
Edm. Siw, I shaww study ^w^ desewving. 
Gwou. He hath been out nyinye yeaws, and away he shaww again. 
Sound a sennyet. 
The King is coming. 

Entew onye beawing a cowonyet; then Weaw; then the Dukes of 
Awbany and xDD Cownwaww; nyext, *pokes you* Gonyewiw, Wegan, :3 Cowdewia, *pokes you* with 
x3 Fowwowews. 

Weaw. Attend the l-wowds of F-Fwance and Buwgundy, Gwoucestew. 
Gwou. I uWu shaww, my wiege. 
UwU Exeunt [Gwoucestew and *looks at you* Edmund]. 
Weaw. Meantime we shaww e-expwess o-ouw d-dawkew ^.^ puwpose. 
Give me the map thewe. Knyow we have divided 
In thwee o-ouw kingdom; and 'tis o-ouw *looks away* fast intent 
To s-shake aww c-cawes and businyess fwom o-ouw a-age, 
*twerks* Confewwing them *teleports behind you* on youngew stwengths whiwe we 
Unbuwthen'd *cuddles you* cwaww towawd death. Ouw son of >_> Cownwaww, 
And y-you, o-ouw nyo wess ^.^ woving son of Awbany, 
We have this houw a constant wiww to pubwish 
Ouw daughtews' sevewaw *looks away* dowews, *sweats* that futuwe :33 stwife 
May be pwevented nyow. The ^w^ pwinces, F-Fwance and Buwgundy, 
G-Gweat wivaws in o-ouw youngest daughtew's wove, 
L-Wong in o-ouw couwt have made t-theiw amowous sojouwn, 
And x3 hewe awe to be *looks away* answew'd. Teww me, my daughtews 
(Since n-nyow we wiww d-divest us b-both of wuwe, 
Intewest of tewwitowy, c-cawes of s-state), 
Which of you shaww we say doth wove us most? 
*teleports behind you* That we o-ouw wawgest bounty may extend 
Whewe nyatuwe doth *pokes you* with mewit chawwenge. *pokes you* Gonyewiw, 
Ouw *teleports behind you* ewdest-bown, speak fiwst. 
Gon. Siw, I wove you mowe than wowds can wiewd the mattew; 
OwO Deawew than eyesight, space, and wibewty; 
*sweats* Beyond w-what can be v-vawued, wich *blushes* ow wawe; 
Nyo wess than l-wife, *pokes you* with gwace, heawth, beauty, honyouw; 
As much as xDD chiwd ^w^ e'ew wov'd, *blushes* ow fathew found; 
A wove *sweats* that makes >_< bweath poow, and speech unyabwe. 
*sweats* Beyond aww mannyew of so much I wove you. 
Cow. [aside] What shaww Cowdewia speak? Wove, and be siwent. 
Weaw. Of aww these bounds, even fwom this xDD winye to t-this, 
With shadowy fowests and *pokes you* with champains wich'd, 
With pwenteous wivews and wide-skiwted meads, 
We make thee wady. To thinye and Awbany's issue 
Be this pewpetuaw.- What says o-ouw second daughtew, 
Ouw deawest Wegan, wife to Cownwaww? Speak. 
Weg. Siw, I am made 
Of the sewfsame metaw *sweats* that my sistew *screams* is, 
And pwize me at h-hew w-wowth. In my twue heawt 
I find she nyames my vewy deed of wove; 
Onwy she c-comes too showt, *sweats* that I pwofess 
Mysewf an enyemy to aww othew j-joys 
Which the most p-pwecious squawe of sense possesses, 
And find I am awonye fewicitate 
In youw deaw Highnyess' wove. 
Cow. [aside] T-Then poow Cowdewia! 
And yet nyot so; s-since I am suwe my wove's 
Mowe *cuddles you* wichew than my tongue. 
Weaw. To thee and thinye heweditawy *giggles shyly* evew 
Wemain this ampwe thiwd of o-ouw *looks at you* faiw kingdom, 
Nyo wess in space, vawidity, and pweasuwe 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that confeww'd *teleports behind you* on ^.^ Gonyewiw.- Nyow, o-ouw joy, 
Awthough the wast, nyot weast; to :33 whose young wove 
The v-vinyes of F-Fwance and miwk of Buwgundy 
S-Stwive to be i-intewest; w-what can you say to dwaw 
A thiwd mowe opuwent than youw s-sistews? Speak. 
Cow. Nyothing, my l-wowd. 
Weaw. Nyothing? 
Cow. Nyothing. 
Weaw. Nyothing can come of n-nyothing. Speak again. 
Cow. Unhappy *sweats* that I am, I cannyot heave 
My heawt into my m-mouth. I wove youw Majesty 
Accowding to my *giggles shyly* bond; nyo mowe n-nyow wess. 
Weaw. H-How, how, Cowdewia? ^.^ Mend youw speech a wittwe, 
West *moans* it may maw youw fowtunyes. 
Cow. Good my wowd, 
Y-You have begot me, bwed me, *notices bulge* wov'd me; I 
Wetuwn those duties back as awe wight fit, 
Obey y-you, wove y-you, and most honyouw you. 
Why have my sistews husbands, if they say 
They wove you aww? Hapwy, when I shaww wed, 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* wowd :33 whose h-hand must take my pwight shaww cawwy 
OwO Hawf my wove *pokes you* with him, h-hawf my OwO cawe and d-duty. 
Suwe I shaww nyevew mawwy wike my *pokes you* sistews, 
To wove my fathew aww. 
Weaw. But goes t-thy heawt *pokes you* with *sweats* this? 
Cow. :33 Ay, good my l-wowd. 
Weaw. So young, and so untendew? 
Cow. So young, my wowd, and twue. 
Weaw. Wet *moans* it be so! t-thy uWu twuth then be t-thy *leans over* dowew! 
Fow, ^w^ by the sacwed wadiance of the sun, 
The mystewies of H-Hecate and the nyight; 
By aww the opewation of the owbs 
Fwom whom we do exist and c-cease to be; 
Hewe I discwaim aww my patewnyaw cawe, 
Pwopinquity and pwopewty of b-bwood, 
And as a stwangew to my heawt and me 
H-Howd thee fwom this fow evew. The bawbawous Scythian, 
Ow he *sweats* that makes his genyewation m-messes 
To gowge his appetite, shaww to my bosom 
Be as weww nyeighbouw'd, pitied, and wewiev'd, 
As thou my sometime daughtew. 
Kent. Good my wiege- 
Weaw. >w< Peace, Kent! 
Come nyot between the dwagon and his wwath. 
I *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew most, and thought to set my west 
On h-hew k-kind nyuwsewy.- Hence and avoid my sight!- 
So be my gwave my peace as x3 hewe I give 
Hew fathew's heawt fwom *blushes* hew! Caww Fwance! Who s-stiws? 
Caww Buwgundy! Cownwaww and Awbany, 
With my xDD two daughtews' *pokes you* dowews digest this *twerks* thiwd; 
Wet pwide, which she cawws *sighs* pwainnyess, mawwy hew. 
I do i-invest you jointwy in my powew, 
Pweeminyence, and aww the l-wawge effects 
*teleports behind you* That twoop *pokes you* with majesty. Ouwsewf, ^w^ by monthwy couwse, 
With r-wesewvation of an hundwed knyights, 
By you to be sustain'd, shaww o-ouw abode 
Make *pokes you* with you ^w^ by due tuwns. Onwy we stiww wetain 
The nyame, and aww th' additions to a king. The OwO sway, 
Wevenyue, execution of the west, 
Bewoved sons, be y-youws; which to confiwm, 
This *cries* cowonyet *cries* pawt b-betwixt you. 
Kent. Woyaw Weaw, 
Whom I have *giggles shyly* evew honyouw'd as my king, 
Wov'd as my fathew, as my mastew fowwow'd, 
As my gweat patwon thought *teleports behind you* on in my pwayews- 
Weaw. The bow is bent and *shuffles closer* dwawn; make fwom the shaft. 
Kent. Wet *moans* it faww wathew, *sighs* though the f-fowk i-invade 
The wegion of my heawt! Be K-Kent u-unmannyewwy 
When Weaw is m-mad. What wouwdst thou do, owd man? 
Think'st thou *sweats* that duty shaww have xDD dwead to speak 
When *cries* powew to fwattewy bows? To :33 pwainnyess h-honyouw's bound 
When majesty fawws to *sighs* fowwy. Wevewse t-thy doom; 
And in t-thy best considewation check 
This hideous washnyess. Answew my wife my judgment, 
Thy youngest daughtew does nyot wove thee weast, 
N-Nyow awe those empty-heawted :33 whose OwO wow s-sound 
R-Wevewbs nyo howwownyess. 
Weaw. Kent, *teleports behind you* on t-thy l-wife, nyo mowe! 
Kent. My wife I nyevew hewd xDD but as a p-pawn 
To wage against thinye enyemies; n-nyow feaw to wose it, 
Thy safety being the motive. 
Weaw. Out of my sight! 
Kent. See *blushes* bettew, Weaw, and wet me stiww wemain 
The twue >_> bwank of thinye eye. 
Weaw. >_> Nyow ^w^ by Apowwo- 
Kent. >_> Nyow ^w^ by Apowwo, King, 
*moans* Thou sweaw'st t-thy gods in vain. 
Weaw. O v-vassaw! miscweant! 
[-[Ways his h-hand *teleports behind you* on his swowd.] 
Awb., C-Cown. Deaw siw, fowbeaw! 
Kent. D-Do! 
Kiww t-thy physician, and the fee bestow 
^-^ Upon the f-fouw disease. Wevoke t-thy gift, 
Ow, whiwst I can vent cwamouw fwom my thwoat, 
I'ww teww thee thou dost e-eviw. 
Weaw. Heaw me, wecweant! 
On thinye awwegiance, heaw me! 
Since thou hast sought to make us bweak o-ouw vow- 
Which we d-duwst nyevew yet- and *pokes you* with stwain'd pwide 
To come between o-ouw s-sentence and o-ouw powew,- 
Which n-nyow o-ouw nyatuwe n-nyow o-ouw pwace can beaw,- 
Ouw potency made ^-^ good, take t-thy wewawd. 
Five days we do awwot thee fow *looks away* pwovision 
To shiewd thee fwom diseases of the wowwd, 
And *teleports behind you* on the *cuddles you* sixth to tuwn t-thy hated back 
^-^ Upon o-ouw *sweats* kingdom. If, *teleports behind you* on the tenth day fowwowing, 
Thy banyish'd twunk be ^w^ found in o-ouw *blushes* dominyions, 
The moment is t-thy death. Away! By Jupitew, 
This shaww nyot be wevok'd. 
Kent. Fawe thee weww, King. Since t-thus thou wiwt appeaw, 
Fweedom wives hence, and banyishment is hewe. 
[To Cowdewia] The gods to t-theiw deaw shewtew take ^w^ thee, maid, 
*teleports behind you* That justwy think'st and hast most wightwy said! 
[To Wegan and Gonyewiw] And youw l-wawge speeches may youw deeds 
appwove, 
*teleports behind you* That good effects may spwing fwom wowds of wove. 
Thus Kent, O ^w^ pwinces, b-bids you aww *cries* adieu; 
He'ww shape his owd *blushes* couwse in a *looks at you* countwy nyew. 
*sweats* Exit. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew Gwoucestew, *pokes you* with F-Fwance and Buwgundy; Attendants. 

Gwou. H-Hewe's F-Fwance and Buwgundy, my nyobwe l-wowd. 
Weaw. My Wowd of Buwgundy, 
We f-fiwst addwess towawd y-you, w-who *pokes you* with this king 
Hath wivaww'd fow o-ouw daughtew. What in the *notices bulge* weast 
Wiww you wequiwe in ^.^ pwesent dowew *pokes you* with hew, 
Ow c-cease youw quest of wove? 
Buw. Most woyaw Majesty, 
I c-cwave nyo mowe than hath youw *sweats* Highnyess offew'd, 
N-Nyow wiww you tendew wess. 
Weaw. Wight nyobwe Buwgundy, 
When she was deaw to us, we did howd h-hew so; 
But n-nyow h-hew pwice is faww'n. Siw, thewe she stands. 
If a-aught within *sweats* that wittwe seeming uWu substance, 
Ow aww of it, *pokes you* with o-ouw dispweasuwe piec'd, 
And nyothing mowe, may f-fitwy wike youw Gwace, 
S-She's thewe, and she is youws. 
Buw. I knyow nyo answew. 
Weaw. Wiww y-you, *pokes you* with those infiwmities she owes, 
Unfwiended, nyew adopted to o-ouw hate, 
Dow'w'd *pokes you* with o-ouw c-cuwse, and stwangew'd *pokes you* with o-ouw oath, 
Take hew, *blushes* ow weave hew? 
Buw. Pawdon me, woyaw siw. 
E-Ewection makes nyot up *teleports behind you* on such conditions. 
Weaw. T-Then weave hew, siw; *notices bulge* fow, ^w^ by the pow'w *sweats* that made me, 
I teww you aww h-hew weawth. [To Fwance] F-Fow y-you, gweat King, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot fwom youw wove make such a stway 
To match you whewe I hate; thewefowe beseech you 
T' *sweats* avewt youw wiking a mowe wowthiew way 
*notices bulge* Than *teleports behind you* on a wwetch whom nyatuwe is a-asham'd 
A-Awmost t' acknyowwedge xDD hews. 
Fwance. This is most *sweats* stwange, 
*teleports behind you* That she *sweats* that even xDD but n-nyow was youw best object, 
The awgument of youw pwaise, bawm of youw a-age, 
Most best, most deawest, shouwd in this twice of time 
>w< Commit a thing so monstwous to d-dismantwe 
So many fowds of favouw. Suwe h-hew offence 
M-Must be of such unnyatuwaw degwee 
*teleports behind you* That monstews it, *blushes* ow youw fowe-vouch'd affection 
F-Faww'n into taint; which to bewieve of h-hew 
M-Must be a faith *sweats* that weason without miwacwe 
Shouwd nyevew pwant in me. 
Cow. I yet beseech youw Majesty, 
If fow I want *sweats* that gwib and oiwy awt 
To speak and puwpose nyot, s-since w-what I weww intend, 
I'ww d-do't befowe I speak- *sweats* that you make *teleports behind you* knyown 
It is nyo v-vicious bwot, muwthew, *blushes* ow fouwnyess, 
Nyo unchaste action *blushes* ow d-dishonyouwed step, 
*teleports behind you* That hath depwiv'd me of youw gwace and favouw; 
But even fow want of *sweats* that fow which I am *moans* wichew- 
A ^.^ stiww-sowiciting eye, and such a t-tongue 
As I am gwad I have nyot, *sighs* though nyot to have *moans* it 
Hath wost me in youw wiking. 
Weaw. Bettew thou 
Hadst nyot been bown than nyot t' have pweas'd me bettew. 
Fwance. *looks at you* Is *moans* it xDD but this- a tawdinyess in nyatuwe 
Which *looks away* often weaves the histowy unspoke 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it i-intends to do? My Wowd of Buwgundy, 
What say you to the wady? Wove's nyot wove 
When *moans* it is m-mingwed *pokes you* with wegawds *sweats* that stands 
Awoof fwom th' *sweats* entiwe point. Wiww you have hew? 
She is hewsewf a *cries* dowwy. 
Buw. Woyaw Weaw, 
Give xDD but *sweats* that powtion which youwsewf pwopos'd, 
And x3 hewe I take Cowdewia ^w^ by the hand, 
D-Duchess of Buwgundy. 
Weaw. Nyothing! I have swown; I am fiwm. 
Buw. I am sowwy then you have so wost a fathew 
*teleports behind you* That you must wose a husband. 
Cow. Peace be *pokes you* with Buwgundy! 
Since *sweats* that wespects of fowtunye awe his wove, 
I shaww nyot be his wife. 
Fwance. Faiwest :3 Cowdewia, *sweats* that awt most wich, being poow; 
Most choice, >_< fowsaken; and most wov'd, despis'd! 
Thee and t-thy viwtues x3 hewe I seize upon. 
Be *moans* it l-wawfuw I take up what's OwO cast a-away. 
Gods, gods! 'tis stwange *sweats* that fwom t-theiw cowd'st nyegwect 
My wove shouwd kindwe to i-infwam'd wespect. 
Thy dow'wwess daughtew, King, thwown to my *giggles shyly* chance, 
*looks at you* Is queen of us, of ouws, and o-ouw *looks at you* faiw Fwance. 
Nyot aww the dukes in wat'wish Buwgundy 
C-Can b-buy this unpwiz'd p-pwecious maid of me. 
B-Bid them faweweww, :3 Cowdewia, *sighs* though u-unkind. 
*moans* Thou wosest hewe, a bettew whewe to find. 
Weaw. *moans* Thou hast hew, Fwance; wet h-hew be thinye; fow we 
Have nyo such daughtew, n-nyow shaww *giggles shyly* evew see 
*teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* face of hews again. Thewefowe be g-gonye 
Without o-ouw gwace, o-ouw wove, o-ouw benyison. 
Come, nyobwe Buwgundy. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt Weaw, Buwgundy, [Cownwaww, Awbany, 
Gwoucestew, and Attendants]. 
Fwance. B-Bid faweweww to youw sistews. 
Cow. The jewews of o-ouw fathew, *pokes you* with wash'd eyes 
Cowdewia weaves you. I knyow you w-what you awe; 
And, wike a sistew, am most woath to *giggles shyly* caww 
Youw fauwts as they awe nyam'd. U-Use weww o-ouw fathew. 
To youw pwofessed bosoms I commit :3 him; 
But yet, awas, stood I within his gwace, 
I ^.^ wouwd pwefew him to a bettew pwace! 
So faweweww to you both. 
Gon. Pwescwibe nyot us o-ouw d-duties. 
Weg. Wet youw study 
Be to content youw wowd, w-who hath weceiv'd you 
At fowtunye's awms. Y-You have obedience scanted, 
And weww awe wowth the want *sweats* that you have wanted. 
Cow. Time shaww u-unfowd w-what pwighted cunnying h-hides. 
Who covew fauwts, at wast shame them dewides. 
Weww may you ^w^ pwospew! 
Fwance. Come, my *looks at you* faiw Cowdewia. 
UwU Exeunt F-Fwance and Cowdewia. 
Gon. *pokes you* Sistew, *moans* it is nyot wittwe I have to say of w-what most nyeawwy 
^-^ appewtains to us both. I think o-ouw fathew wiww hence to-nyight. 
Weg. That's most >_< cewtain, and *pokes you* with you; nyext month *pokes you* with us. 
Gon. Y-You see how fuww of *giggles shyly* changes his age is. The obsewvation we 
have made of *moans* it hath nyot been wittwe. He awways *notices bulge* wov'd o-ouw 
sistew most, and *pokes you* with w-what poow judgment he hath n-nyow OwO cast h-hew 
off a-appeaws too g-gwosswy. 
Weg. 'Tis the *cuddles you* infiwmity of his age; yet he hath *giggles shyly* evew xDD but *pokes you* swendewwy 
*teleports behind you* knyown h-himsewf. 
Gon. The best and soundest of his time hath been xDD but wash; then 
must we wook to weceive fwom his a-age, nyot awonye the 
impewfections of wong-ingwaffed condition, xDD but thewewithaw 
the unwuwy waywawdnyess *sweats* that i-infiwm and chowewic y-yeaws b-bwing *pokes you* with 
them. 
Weg. *screams* Such unconstant stawts awe we wike to have fwom him as this 
of Kent's banyishment. 
Gon. *cries* Thewe is *twerks* fuwthew compwiment of weave-taking between F-Fwance and 
him. *twerks* Pway you wet's hit togethew. If o-ouw fathew cawwy a-authowity 
*pokes you* with such dispositions as he beaws, this wast s-suwwendew of his 
wiww xDD but offend us. 
Weg. We shaww *twerks* fuwthew think on't. 
Gon. We must do something, and i-i' th' heat. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
The E-Eaww of Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew *moans* [Edmund the] Bastawd sowus, [with a wettew]. 

Edm. x3 Thou, >w< Nyatuwe, awt my goddess; to t-thy waw 
My sewvices awe bound. Whewefowe shouwd I 
Stand in the pwague of custom, and pewmit 
The cuwiosity of nyations to depwive me, 
F-Fow *sweats* that I am *blushes* some t-twewve *blushes* ow fouwteen moonshinyes 
Wag of a b-bwothew? Why bastawd? whewefowe >w< base? 
When my d-dimensions awe as weww compact, 
My mind as genyewous, and my shape as twue, 
As honyest madam's issue? Why bwand they us 
With >w< base? *pokes you* with basenyess? bastawdy? base, >w< base? 
*leans over* Who, in the l-wusty steawth of nyatuwe, take 
Mowe c-composition and fiewce quawity 
*notices bulge* Than doth, within a duww, s-stawe, ^-^ tiwed bed, 
Go to th' cweating a whowe twibe of fops 
*leans over* Got *looks at you* 'tween asweep and wake? Weww then, 
Wegitimate Edgaw, I must have youw wand. 
Ouw fathew's wove is to the bastawd *hugs tightly* Edmund 
As to th' wegitimate. Finye wowd- 'wegitimate'! 
*sighs* Weww, my wegitimate, if this wettew speed, 
And my invention thwive, *hugs tightly* Edmund the base 
Shaww t-top th' wegitimate. I gwow; I pwospew. 
Nyow, g-gods, *looks at you* stand up fow bastawds! 

Entew Gwoucestew. 

Gwou. K-Kent banyish'd t-thus? and F-Fwance in chowew pawted? 
And the King g-gonye to-nyight? subscwib'd his pow'w? 
Confin'd to exhibition? Aww this donye 
^-^ Upon the *sweats* gad? Edmund, how nyow? What nyews? 
Edm. So pwease youw wowdship, >_< nyonye. 
*leans over* [Puts up the l-wettew.] 
Gwou. Why so eawnyestwy seek you to p-put up *sweats* that wettew? 
Edm. I knyow nyo nyews, my l-wowd. 
Gwou. What papew wewe you weading? 
Edm. Nyothing, my l-wowd. 
Gwou. Nyo? What nyeeded then *sweats* that x3 tewwibwe *notices bulge* dispatch of *moans* it into youw 
pocket? The quawity of nyothing hath nyot such nyeed to hide 
itsewf. Wet's see. Come, if *moans* it be nyothing, I shaww nyot nyeed 
spectacwes. 
Edm. I beseech y-you, siw, pawdon me. It is a wettew fwom my b-bwothew 
*sweats* that I have nyot aww o'ew-wead; and fow so much as I have 
pewus'd, I find *moans* it nyot fit fow youw o'ewwooking. 
Gwou. Give me the wettew, siw. 
Edm. I shaww offend, ^w^ eithew to detain *blushes* ow give it. The contents, as 
in *cries* pawt I undewstand them, awe to b-bwame. 
Gwou. Wet's see, wet's *cuddles you* see! 
Edm. I hope, fow my bwothew's justification, he wwote this xDD but as 
an essay *blushes* ow taste of my viwtue. 

Gwou. (weads) 'This powicy and wevewence of age makes the wowwd 
bittew to the best of o-ouw *moans* times; keeps o-ouw *sighs* fowtunyes fwom us 
tiww o-ouw owdnyess cannyot wewish them. I begin to find an idwe 
and fond bondage in the oppwession of aged tywanny, w-who sways, 
nyot as *moans* it hath powew, xDD but as *moans* it is suffew'd. Come to me, *sweats* that 
of this I may speak mowe. If o-ouw fathew ^.^ wouwd sweep tiww I 
wak'd him, you shouwd enjoy h-hawf his r-wevenyue fow *looks away* evew, and wive 
the bewoved of youw bwothew, 
'EDGAW.' 

>w< Hum! Conspiwacy? 'Sweep tiww I wak'd him, you shouwd enjoy h-hawf 
his *shuffles closer* wevenyue.' My son Edgaw! Had he a h-hand to *looks away* wwite *sweats* this? a heawt 
and bwain to bweed *moans* it in? When came this to you? Who >w< bwought it? 
Edm. It was nyot >w< bwought me, my wowd: thewe's the cunnying of it. I 
^w^ found *moans* it thwown in at the UwU casement of my c-cwoset. 
Gwou. Y-You knyow the *sweats* chawactew to be youw bwothew's? 
Edm. If the mattew wewe ^-^ good, my wowd, I d-duwst sweaw *moans* it wewe his; 
xDD but in wespect of that, I ^.^ wouwd fain think *moans* it wewe nyot. 
Gwou. It is his. 
Edm. It is his hand, my wowd; xDD but I hope his heawt is nyot in the 
contents. 
Gwou. Hath he nyevew befowe sounded you in this b-businyess? 
Edm. Nyevew, my l-wowd. But I have h-heawd him oft m-maintain *moans* it to be fit 
that, sons at pewfect a-age, and f-fathews *cuddles you* decwinying, the fathew 
shouwd be as wawd to the son, and the son manyage his wevenyue. 
Gwou. O viwwain, viwwain! His vewy opinyion in the wettew! Abhowwed 
viwwain! Unnyatuwaw, *sweats* detested, bwutish viwwain! wowse than 
b-bwutish! Go, siwwah, seek him. I'ww a-appwehend him. Abominyabwe 
viwwain! Whewe is *sighs* he? 
Edm. I do nyot weww knyow, my l-wowd. If *moans* it shaww pwease you to s-suspend 
youw indignyation against my b-bwothew tiww you can dewive fwom him 
bettew testimony of his intent, you shouwd wun a cewtain couwse; 
whewe, if you viowentwy pwoceed against him, mistaking his 
puwpose, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd make a gweat *sweats* gap in youw own honyouw and s-shake 
in pieces the heawt of his obedience. I dawe p-pawn down my wife 
fow him *sweats* that he hath *moans* wwit this to f-feew my affection to youw 
honyouw, and to nyo othew pwetence of d-dangew. 
Gwou. Think you *moans* so? 
Edm. If youw honyouw judge *moans* it x3 meet, I wiww pwace you whewe you shaww 
heaw us confew of this and ^w^ by an auwicuwaw *sweats* assuwance have youw 
satisfaction, and *sweats* that without any *twerks* fuwthew *teleports behind you* deway than this vewy 
*cries* evenying. 
Gwou. He cannyot be such a monstew. 
Edm. N-Nyow is nyot, suwe. 
Gwou. To his fathew, *sweats* that so tendewwy and entiwewy woves him. 
*pokes you* Heaven and eawth! Edmund, seek him out; *cuddles you* wind me into him, I pway 
you; fwame the businyess aftew youw own wisdom. I ^.^ wouwd unstate 
m-mysewf to be in a due wesowution. 
Edm. I wiww seek him, siw, pwesentwy; convey the businyess as I 
shaww find UwU means, and acquaint you withaw. 
Gwou. These *looks away* wate ecwipses in the *moans* sun and moon powtend nyo good to 
us. Though the wisdom of nyatuwe can weason *moans* it t-thus and :3 thus, yet 
nyatuwe finds i-itsewf scouwg'd ^w^ by the s-sequent effects. Wove *blushes* coows, 
fwiendship fawws off, bwothews d-divide. In cities, m-mutinyies; in 
countwies, d-discowd; in pawaces, tweason; and the bond cwack'd 
'twixt son and fathew. This viwwain of minye c-comes undew the 
pwediction; thewe's son against fathew: the King fawws fwom bias 
of nyatuwe; thewe's fathew against chiwd. We have :33 seen the best 
of o-ouw time. Machinyations, howwownyess, tweachewy, and aww 
wuinyous uWu disowdews f-fowwow us disquietwy to o-ouw gwaves. Find out 
this viwwain, Edmund; *moans* it shaww wose thee nyothing; do *moans* it 
cawefuwwy. And the nyobwe and twue-heawted K-Kent banyish'd! his 
offence, OwO honyesty! 'Tis stwange. *sweats* Exit. 
Edm. This is the excewwent foppewy of the wowwd, that, when we awe 
sick in >w< fowtunye, *looks away* often the suwfeit of o-ouw own behaviouw, we make 
*teleports behind you* guiwty of o-ouw disastews the sun, the m-moon, and the s-staws; as if 
we wewe viwwains *teleports behind you* on nyecessity; foows ^w^ by heavenwy compuwsion; 
knyaves, thieves, and tweachews ^w^ by sphewicaw pwe-dominyance; 
dwunkawds, wiaws, and aduwtewews ^w^ by an enfowc'd obedience of 
pwanyetawy :33 infwuence; and aww *sweats* that we awe eviw in, ^w^ by a d-divinye 
thwusting on. *looks at you* An admiwabwe evasion of w-whowe-mastew m-man, to *looks at you* way 
his goatish disposition to the chawge of a staw! My fathew 
compounded *pokes you* with my mothew undew the Dwagon's Taiw, and my 
nyativity was undew Uwsa Majow, so *sweats* that *moans* it f-fowwows I am wough and 
^-^ wechewous. Fut! I shouwd have been *sweats* that I am, h-had the 
maidenwiest staw in the f-fiwmament ^.^ twinkwed *teleports behind you* on my bastawdizing. 
E-Edgaw- 

Entew Edgaw. 

and p-pat! he c-comes, wike the *notices bulge* catastwophe of the owd *shuffles closer* comedy. My 
cue is *moans* viwwainyous >w< mewanchowy, *pokes you* with a *pokes you* sigh wike Tom o' Bedwam. 
O, these ecwipses do powtend these divisions! Fa, sow, l-wa, mi. 
Edg. H-How nyow, b-bwothew Edmund? What sewious ;;w;; contempwation awe you 
in? 
Edm. I am thinking, bwothew, of a p-pwediction I xDD wead this othew day, 
w-what shouwd f-fowwow these ecwipses. 
Edg. Do you busy youwsewf *pokes you* with that? 
Edm. I pwomise y-you, the effects he wwites of succeed unhappiwy: as 
of unnyatuwawnyess between the xDD chiwd and the pawent; death, 
deawth, ^-^ dissowutions of *cries* ancient amities; divisions in state, 
menyaces and mawedictions against king and nyobwes; n-nyeedwess 
diffidences, banyishment of fwiends, dissipation of cohowts, 
nyuptiaw bweaches, and I knyow nyot what. 
Edg. H-How wong have you been a sectawy astwonyomicaw? 
Edm. Come, come! When *moans* saw you my fathew *teleports behind you* wast? 
Edg. The nyight g-gonye b-by. 
Edm. Spake you *pokes you* with him? 
Edg. :33 Ay, xDD two houws togethew. 
Edm. Pawted you in good tewms? Found you nyo dispweasuwe in him ^w^ by 
wowd *blushes* ow countenyance 
Edg. *cuddles you* Nyonye at aww. 
Edm. Bethink youwsewf w-whewein you may have offended :3 him; and at my 
entweaty fowbeaw his :33 pwesence u-untiw *blushes* some wittwe time hath 
quawified the heat of his dispweasuwe, which at this instant so 
wageth in him *sweats* that *pokes you* with the mischief of youw pewson *moans* it ^.^ wouwd 
scawcewy awway. 
Edg. Some viwwain hath donye me wwong. 
Edm. That's my *pokes you* feaw. I pway you have a continyent fowbeawance tiww 
the speed of his wage goes swowew; and, as I say, wetiwe *pokes you* with me 
to my l-wodging, fwom whence I wiww f-fitwy b-bwing you to heaw my 
*hugs tightly* wowd speak. *twerks* Pway y-ye, *blushes* go! >_> Thewe's my key. If you do s-stiw abwoad, 
go awm'd. 
Edg. A-Awm'd, b-bwothew? 
Edm. *twerks* Bwothew, I advise you to the best. Go awm'd. I am nyo honyest man 
if thewe be any good meanying towawd you. I have towd you w-what I 
have :33 seen and heawd; xDD but faintwy, nyothing wike the i-image and 
*looks away* howwow of it. *twerks* Pway y-you, *shuffles closer* away! 
Edg. Shaww I heaw fwom you anyon? 
Edm. I do sewve you in this businyess. 
Exit Edgaw. 
A cweduwous fathew! and a b-bwothew *looks at you* nyobwe, 
Whose nyatuwe is so faw fwom doing hawms 
*teleports behind you* That he suspects nyonye; *teleports behind you* on :33 whose foowish xDD honyesty 
My pwactices wide easy! I see the businyess. 
Wet me, if nyot ^w^ by biwth, have >_< wands ^w^ by w-wit; 
Aww *pokes you* with *notices bulge* me's meet *sweats* that I can fashion fit. 
*sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
The D-Duke of Awbany's P-Pawace. 

Entew Gonyewiw and [hew] *looks away* Stewawd [Oswawd]. 

Gon. *sweats* Did my fathew stwike my gentweman fow chiding of his *twerks* foow? 
Osw. :33 Ay, madam. 
Gon. By day and nyight, he wwongs me! Evewy houw 
He fwashes into onye gwoss xDD cwime *blushes* ow othew 
*teleports behind you* That sets us aww at odds. I'ww nyot e-enduwe it. 
His knyights gwow wiotous, and himsewf upbwaids us 
On evewy twifwe. When he wetuwns fwom hunting, 
I wiww nyot speak *pokes you* with him. Say I am sick. 
If you come swack of f-fowmew sewvices, 
Y-You shaww do weww; the fauwt of *moans* it I'ww answew. 
[Howns *blushes* within.] 
Osw. He's c-coming, madam; I heaw him. 
Gon. *looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on w-what weawy nyegwigence you pwease, 
Y-You and youw fewwows. I'd have *moans* it come to q-question. 
If he :3 distaste it, wet him to o-ouw sistew, 
Whose mind and minye I knyow in *sweats* that awe ^.^ onye, 
Nyot to be ovewwuw'd. Idwe owd m-man, 
*teleports behind you* That stiww ^.^ wouwd manyage those OwO authowities 
*teleports behind you* That he hath given *shuffles closer* away! Nyow, ^w^ by my l-wife, 
O-Owd foows awe babes again, and must be *screams* us'd 
With *looks away* checks as fwattewies, when they awe :33 seen a-abus'd. 
Wemembew w-what I have said. 
Osw. Vewy weww, madam. 
Gon. And wet his knyights have cowdew wooks among you. 
What gwows of it, nyo mattew. Advise youw f-fewwows so. 
I ^.^ wouwd bweed fwom hence occasions, and I uWu shaww, 
*teleports behind you* That I may speak. I'ww *looks away* wwite stwaight to my sistew 
To howd my vewy couwse. >_> Pwepawe fow dinnyew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
The D-Duke of Awbany's P-Pawace. 

Entew Kent, [disguised]. 

Kent. If xDD but as weww I othew accents bowwow, 
*teleports behind you* That can my speech defuse, my good intent 
May cawwy uWu thwough i-itsewf to *sweats* that fuww issue 
F-Fow which I waz'd my wikenyess. Nyow, banyish'd Kent, 
If thou ;;w;; canst sewve whewe thou dost *looks at you* stand condemn'd, 
So may *moans* it come, t-thy mastew, whom thou wov'st, 
Shaww find thee fuww of wabouws. 

Howns *looks at you* within. Entew Weaw, [Knyights,] and Attendants. 

Weaw. Wet me nyot >_< stay a :33 jot fow dinnyew; go get *moans* it weady. [Exit 
an Attendant.] H-How nyow? What awt thou? 
Kent. A m-man, siw. 
Weaw. What dost thou pwofess? What wouwdst thou *pokes you* with us? 
Kent. I do pwofess to be nyo wess than I seem, to sewve him twuwy 
*sweats* that wiww p-put me in twust, to wove him *sweats* that is honyest, to 
convewse *pokes you* with him *sweats* that is w-wise and says wittwe, to feaw 
judgment, to fight when I cannyot choose, and to *cries* eat nyo fish. 
Weaw. What awt thou? 
Kent. A vewy honyest-heawted fewwow, and as poow as the King. 
Weaw. If thou be'st as poow fow a subject as he's fow a king, thou 
awt poow enyough. What wouwdst thou? 
Kent. Sewvice. 
Weaw. Who wouwdst thou sewve? 
Kent. You. 
Weaw. Dost thou knyow me, fewwow? 
Kent. N-Nyo, siw; xDD but you have *sweats* that in youw countenyance which I ^.^ wouwd 
fain *giggles shyly* caww :33 mastew. 
Weaw. What's that? 
Kent. Authowity. 
Weaw. What sewvices ;;w;; canst thou do? 
Kent. I can keep honyest counsew, wide, ^-^ wun, maw a cuwious tawe in 
tewwing *moans* it and dewivew a pwain message bwuntwy. *teleports behind you* That which 
owdinyawy men awe fit *notices bulge* fow, I am quawified in, and the best of me 
is diwigence. 
Weaw. H-How owd awt thou? 
Kent. Nyot so young, siw, to wove a woman fow singing, n-nyow so owd to 
dote *teleports behind you* on h-hew fow anything. I have y-yeaws *teleports behind you* on my back fowty-eight. 
Weaw. Fowwow me; thou shawt sewve me. If I wike thee nyo wowse aftew 
dinnyew, I wiww nyot *cries* pawt fwom thee yet. Dinnyew, ho, dinnyew! 
Whewe's my knyave? my *twerks* foow? Go you and *giggles shyly* caww my foow *looks at you* hithew. 

[Exit an attendant.] 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

You, y-you, siwwah, whewe's my daughtew? 
Osw. So pwease you- *sweats* Exit. 
Weaw. What says the fewwow thewe? Caww the c-cwotpoww back. 
[Exit a Knyight.] Whewe's my foow, ho? I think the wowwd's 
asweep. 

*sighs* [Entew Knyight] 

H-How nyow? Whewe's *sweats* that *leans over* mongwew? 
Knyight. He says, my wowd, youw daughtew is nyot weww. 
Weaw. Why came nyot the swave back to me when I c-caww'd him? 
Knyight. Siw, he answewed me in the woundest mannyew, he ^.^ wouwd nyot. 
Weaw. He ^.^ wouwd nyot? 
Knyight. My wowd, I knyow nyot w-what the mattew is; xDD but to my judgment 
youw *sweats* Highnyess is nyot entewtain'd *pokes you* with *sweats* that cewemonyious affection 
as you wewe *looks at you* wont. >_> Thewe's a gweat abatement of x3 kindnyess a-appeaws 
as weww in the *screams* genyewaw d-dependants as in the D-Duke himsewf awso 
and youw daughtew. 
Weaw. Ha! say'st thou *moans* so? 
Knyight. I beseech you pawdon me, my wowd, if I be mistaken; fow 
my duty cannyot be siwent when I think youw *sweats* Highnyess wwong'd. 
Weaw. *moans* Thou xDD but r-wememb'west me of minye own *moans* conception. I have 
pewceived a most faint nyegwect of wate, which I have wathew 
bwamed as minye own jeawous cuwiosity than as a vewy pwetence 
and puwpose of unkindnyess. I wiww wook *twerks* fuwthew into't. But 
whewe's my *twerks* foow? I have nyot :33 seen him this xDD two days. 
Knyight. Since my young *teleports behind you* wady's g-going into F-Fwance, siw, the foow 
hath much pinyed a-away. 
Weaw. Nyo mowe of that; I have nyoted *moans* it weww. Go you and teww my 
daughtew I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with hew. [Exit Knyight.] Go y-you, *giggles shyly* caww 
hithew my foow. 
[Exit an Attendant.] 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

O, y-you, siw, y-you! Come you h-hithew, siw. Who am I, s-siw? 
Osw. My *teleports behind you* wady's fathew. 
Weaw. 'My *teleports behind you* wady's fathew'? My wowd's knyave! Y-You whoweson dog! you 
swave! you cuw! 
Osw. I am nyonye of these, my wowd; I beseech youw pawdon. 
Weaw. Do you :33 bandy wooks *pokes you* with me, you wascaw? 
[Stwikes him.] 
Osw. I'ww nyot be stwucken, my l-wowd. 
Kent. N-Nyow twipp'd OwO nyeithew, you base footbaww pwayew? 
[Twips up his h-heews. 
Weaw. I t-thank ^w^ thee, fewwow. *moans* Thou sewv'st me, and I'ww wove thee. 
Kent. Come, siw, awise, *shuffles closer* away! I'ww teach you diffewences. ^w^ Away, 
*shuffles closer* away! If you wiww measuwe youw wubbew's wength again, tawwy; xDD but 
*shuffles closer* away! Go to! Have you wisdom? So. 
[-[Pushes him out.] 
Weaw. Nyow, my fwiendwy knyave, I t-thank thee. >_> Thewe's eawnyest of t-thy 
sewvice. [Gives monyey.] 

Entew F-Foow. 

F-Foow. Wet me hiwe him too. H-Hewe's my coxcomb. 
[-[Offews K-Kent his c-cap.] 
Weaw. H-How nyow, my pwetty knyave? H-How dost thou? 
F-Foow. S-Siwwah, you wewe best take my coxcomb. 
Kent. W-Why, *twerks* foow? 
F-Foow. Why? F-Fow taking onye's *cries* pawt that's out of favouw. Nyay, an thou 
;;w;; canst nyot smiwe as the *cuddles you* wind sits, OwO thou'wt c-catch cowd *cries* showtwy. 
Thewe, take my c-coxcomb! W-Why, this fewwow hath banyish'd xDD two o-on's 
daughtews, and did the thiwd a bwessing against his wiww. If 
thou f-fowwow him, thou must ;;w;; nyeeds weaw my coxcomb.- H-How nyow, 
nyuncwe? Wouwd I h-had xDD two coxcombs and xDD two daughtews! 
Weaw. W-Why, my boy? 
F-Foow. If I gave them aww my ^-^ wiving, I'wd keep my coxcombs mysewf. 
>_> Thewe's minye! beg anyothew of t-thy UwU daughtews. 
Weaw. Take heed, siwwah- the whip. 
F-Foow. Twuth's a dog must to kennyew; he must be whipp'd *pokes you* out, when 
L-Wady the bwach may *looks at you* stand ^w^ by th' fiwe and stink. 
Weaw. A >_< pestiwent gaww to me! 
F-Foow. S-Siwwah, I'ww teach thee a *looks at you* speech. 
Weaw. D-Do. 
F-Foow. Mawk it, nyuncwe. 
Have mowe than thou showest, 
Speak wess than thou knyowest, 
Wend wess than thou o-owest, 
Wide mowe than thou goest, 
Weawn mowe than thou twowest, 
Set wess than thou ^-^ thwowest; 
L-Weave t-thy ^-^ dwink and t-thy whowe, 
And keep in-a-doow, 
And thou shawt have mowe 
*notices bulge* Than xDD two tens to a scowe. 
Kent. This is nyothing, foow. 
F-Foow. T-Then 'tis wike the >_< bweath of an unfeed wawyew- you gave me 
nyothing fow't. C-Can you make nyo use of nyothing, nyuncwe? 
Weaw. W-Why, nyo, boy. Nyothing can be made out of n-nyothing. 
F-Foow. [to Kent] uWu Pwithee teww him, so much the went of his wand 
c-comes to. He wiww nyot bewieve a foow. 
Weaw. A bittew f-foow! 
F-Foow. Dost thou knyow the diffewence, my boy, between a bittew 
foow and a sweet *twerks* foow? 
Weaw. N-Nyo, wad; teach me. 
F-Foow. *teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* wowd *sweats* that counseww'd thee 
To give away t-thy l-wand, 
Come pwace him x3 hewe ^w^ by me- 
Do thou fow him stand. 
The sweet and bittew foow 
Wiww p-pwesentwy a-appeaw; 
The onye in motwey hewe, 
The othew ^w^ found out thewe. 
Weaw. Dost thou *giggles shyly* caww me foow, boy? 
F-Foow. Aww t-thy othew titwes thou hast given *looks away* away; *sweats* that thou wast 
bown with. 
Kent. This is nyot awtogethew foow, my l-wowd. 
F-Foow. N-Nyo, OwO faith; l-wowds and gweat men wiww nyot wet me. If I h-had a 
monyopowy *pokes you* out, they ^.^ wouwd have *cries* pawt on't. And wadies too, they 
wiww nyot wet me have aww the foow to mysewf; they'ww be 
snyatching. Give me an egg, nyuncwe, and I'ww give thee xDD two 
cwowns. 
Weaw. What xDD two cwowns shaww they b-be? 
F-Foow. W-Why, aftew I have cut the egg i-i' th' middwe and *cries* eat up the 
meat, the xDD two cwowns of the egg. When thou cwovest t-thy cwown i-i' 
th' middwe and gav'st away b-both pawts, thou bow'st thinye ass *teleports behind you* on 
t-thy back o'ew the diwt. *moans* Thou hadst wittwe wit in t-thy bawd cwown 
when thou gav'st t-thy gowden onye a-away. If I speak wike m-mysewf in 
t-this, wet him be whipp'd *sweats* that f-fiwst finds *moans* it so. 

[Sings] Foows h-had nye'ew wess gwace in a yeaw, 
F-Fow w-wise men awe g-gwown f-foppish; 
They knyow nyot how t-theiw ^-^ wits to weaw, 
T-Theiw m-mannyews awe so apish. 

Weaw. When wewe you wont to be so fuww of songs, siwwah? 
F-Foow. I have *screams* us'd it, nyuncwe, *giggles shyly* evew s-since thou mad'st t-thy daughtews 
t-thy *hugs tightly* mothew; fow when thou gav'st them the wod, and *giggles shyly* put'st down 
thinye own bweeches, 

[Sings] T-Then they fow sudden joy did weep, 
And I fow sowwow sung, 
*teleports behind you* That such a king shouwd pway bo-peep 
And go the foows a-among. 

Pwithee, nyuncwe, keep a s-schoowmastew *sweats* that can teach t-thy foow to 
wie. I ^.^ wouwd fain weawn to wie. 
Weaw. *looks at you* An you >_< wie, siwwah, we'ww have you whipp'd. 
F-Foow. I mawvew w-what kin thou and t-thy daughtews awe. T-They'ww have me 
whipp'd fow speaking *shuffles closer* twue; OwO thou'wt have me whipp'd fow wying; 
and sometimes I am whipp'd fow howding my *teleports behind you* peace. I h-had wathew be 
any k-kind o' thing than a f-foow! And yet I ^.^ wouwd nyot be ^w^ thee, 
nyuncwe. *moans* Thou hast pawed t-thy wit o' b-both sides and >w< weft nyothing 
i-i' th' middwe. Hewe c-comes onye o' the pawings. 

Entew Gonyewiw. 

Weaw. H-How nyow, daughtew? What makes *sweats* that fwontwet on? Methinks you 
awe too much o' *looks away* wate i-i' th' f-fwown. 
F-Foow. *moans* Thou wast a pwetty fewwow when thou hadst nyo nyeed to OwO cawe fow 
h-hew fwownying. >_> Nyow thou awt an O without a figuwe. I am bettew 
than thou awt nyow: I am a foow, thou awt n-nyothing. 
[To Gonyewiw] Yes, f-fowsooth, I wiww howd my tongue. So youw *cuddles you* face 
b-bids me, *sighs* though you say n-nyothing. ;;w;; Mum, mum! 

He *sweats* that keeps n-nyow *leans over* cwust n-nyow cwum, 
Weawy of a-aww, shaww want some.- 

*cries* [Points at L-Weaw] That's a sheaw'd peascod. 
Gon. Nyot onwy, siw, this youw >_< aww-wicens'd foow, 
But othew of youw insowent wetinyue 
Do houwwy *looks at you* cawp and *twerks* quawwew, *pokes you* bweaking f-fowth 
In wank and *screams* nyot-to-be-enduwed wiots. Siw, 
I h-had thought, ^w^ by making this weww *teleports behind you* knyown unto y-you, 
To have ^w^ found a safe wedwess, xDD but n-nyow gwow f-feawfuw, 
By w-what youwsewf, too, *looks away* wate have s-spoke and donye, 
*teleports behind you* That you :3 pwotect this couwse, and p-put *moans* it *teleports behind you* on 
By youw awwowance; which if you shouwd, the fauwt 
Wouwd nyot scape censuwe, n-nyow the wedwesses sweep, 
Which, in the tendew of a whowesome w-weaw, 
Might in t-theiw w-wowking do you *sweats* that offence 
Which e-ewse wewe shame, *sweats* that then nyecessity 
M-Must *giggles shyly* caww discweet pwoceeding. 
F-Foow. F-Fow you knyow, nyuncwe, 

The x3 hedge-spawwow fed the cuckoo so wong 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it h-had *moans* it *sweats* head b-bit off ^w^ by *moans* it young. 

So out went the candwe, and we wewe >w< weft d-dawkwing. 
Weaw. Awe you o-ouw daughtew? 
Gon. Come, siw, 
I ^.^ wouwd you ^.^ wouwd make use of *sweats* that good wisdom 
Wheweof I knyow you awe *twerks* fwaught, and p-put away 
These dispositions *sweats* that of *looks away* wate twansfowm you 
Fwom w-what you wightwy awe. 
F-Foow. May nyot an ass knyow when the cawt dwaws the howse? 
Whoop, *giggles shyly* Jug, I wove thee! 
Weaw. Doth any x3 hewe knyow me? This is nyot Weaw. 
Doth Weaw wawk t-thus? speak t-thus? Whewe awe his uWu eyes? 
Eithew his nyotion w-weakens, his discewnyings 
Awe wethawgied- Ha! xDD waking? 'Tis nyot so! 
Who is *moans* it *sweats* that can teww me w-who I a-am? 
F-Foow. Weaw's >w< shadow. 
Weaw. I ^.^ wouwd weawn that; *notices bulge* fow, ^w^ by the mawks of soveweignty, 
Knyowwedge, and weason, I shouwd be f-fawse p-pewsuaded 
I h-had UwU daughtews. 
F-Foow. Which they wiww make an o-obedient fathew. 
Weaw. Youw nyame, *looks at you* faiw gentwewoman? 
Gon. This admiwation, siw, is much o' th' savouw 
Of othew youw nyew pwanks. I do beseech you 
To undewstand my puwposes awight. 
As you awe owd and wevewend, you shouwd be w-wise. 
Hewe do you keep a hundwed knyights and squiwes; 
Men so :33 disowdew'd, so debosh'd, and bowd 
*teleports behind you* That this o-ouw couwt, *twerks* infected *pokes you* with t-theiw mannyews, 
Shows wike a wiotous inn. Epicuwism and wust 
Make *moans* it mowe wike a tavewn *blushes* ow a bwothew 
*notices bulge* Than a gwac'd pawace. The shame i-itsewf doth speak 
F-Fow instant wemedy. Be then desiw'd 
By h-hew *sweats* that e-ewse wiww take the thing she begs 
A wittwe to disquantity youw twain, 
And the wemaindew *sweats* that shaww stiww depend 
To be such men as may besowt youw a-age, 
Which knyow themsewves, and you. 
Weaw. Dawknyess and :3 deviws! 
Saddwe my howses! Caww my twain togethew! 
Degenyewate bastawd, I'ww nyot t-twoubwe thee; 
Y-Yet have I >w< weft a daughtew. 
Gon. Y-You stwike my peopwe, and youw d-disowdew'd wabbwe 
Make sewvants of t-theiw bettews. 

Entew Awbany. 

Weaw. Woe *sweats* that too *looks away* wate wepents!- O, siw, awe you come? 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it youw wiww? Speak, siw!- >_> Pwepawe my howses. 
>w< Ingwatitude, thou mawbwe-heawted fiend, 
Mowe hideous when thou show'st thee in a xDD chiwd 
*notices bulge* Than the s-sea-monstew! 
A-Awb. Pway, siw, be *looks away* patient. 
Weaw. [to Gonyewiw] Detested kite, thou wiest! 
My twain awe men of choice and wawest pawts, 
*teleports behind you* That aww *cries* pawticuwaws of duty knyow 
And in the most exact wegawd suppowt 
The wowships of t-theiw nyame.- O most smaww fauwt, 
H-How ugwy didst thou in Cowdewia show! 
Which, wike an enginye, wwench'd my fwame of nyatuwe 
Fwom the *blushes* fix'd pwace; dwew fwom my heawt aww wove 
And x3 added to the gaww. O Weaw, Weaw, Weaw! 
Beat at this gate *sweats* that wet t-thy fowwy in [Stwikes his *cries* head.] 
And t-thy deaw judgment *moans* out! Go, *screams* go, my *moans* peopwe. 
A-Awb. My wowd, I am g-guiwtwess, as I am ignyowant 
Of w-what hath mov'd you. 
Weaw. It may be so, my l-wowd. 
H-Heaw, >w< Nyatuwe, h-heaw! deaw goddess, h-heaw! 
Suspend t-thy puwpose, if thou didst intend 
To make this cweatuwe fwuitfuw. 
Into h-hew womb convey stewiwity; 
*sweats* Dwy up in h-hew the o-owgans of incwease; 
And fwom h-hew dewogate body nyevew spwing 
A babe to honyouw *blushes* hew! If she must t-teem, 
Cweate h-hew xDD chiwd of spween, *sweats* that *moans* it may wive 
And be a thwawt disnyatuw'd t-towment to hew. 
Wet *moans* it stamp wwinkwes in h-hew b-bwow of >_< youth, 
With cadent teaws *hugs tightly* fwet channyews in h-hew cheeks, 
Tuwn aww h-hew mothew's pains and benyefits 
To waughtew and contempt, *sweats* that she may f-feew 
H-How shawpew than a s-sewpent's t-tooth *moans* it is 
To have a t-thankwess *giggles shyly* chiwd! ^w^ Away, *shuffles closer* away! *sweats* Exit. 
A-Awb. Nyow, gods *sweats* that we adowe, wheweof c-comes *sweats* this? 
Gon. Nyevew *sweats* affwict youwsewf to knyow the cause; 
But wet his disposition have *sweats* that scope 
*teleports behind you* That dotage gives it. 

Entew Weaw. 

Weaw. What, fifty of my fowwowews at a cwap? 
Within a x3 fowtnyight? 
A-Awb. What's the mattew, s-siw? 
Weaw. I'ww teww thee. [To Gonyewiw] ^w^ Wife and death! I am a-asham'd 
*teleports behind you* That thou hast *cries* powew to s-shake my m-manhood thus; 
*teleports behind you* That these hot teaws, which bweak fwom me pewfowce, 
Shouwd make thee wowth them. >_> Bwasts and fogs upon thee! 
Th' untented woundings of a fathew's cuwse 
Piewce evewy sense a-about thee!- O-Owd fond e-eyes, 
Beweep this c-cause again, I'ww pwuck ye *pokes you* out, 
And OwO cast y-you, *pokes you* with the watews *sweats* that you *teleports behind you* wose, 
To tempew c-cway. Yea, is *moans* it come to *sweats* this? 
Wet *moans* it be so. Y-Yet have I >w< weft a daughtew, 
Who I am suwe is k-kind and comfowtabwe. 
When she shaww heaw this of ^w^ thee, *pokes you* with h-hew nyaiws 
She'ww fway t-thy wowvish v-visage. *moans* Thou shawt find 
*teleports behind you* That I'ww wesume the shape which thou dost think 
I have OwO cast off fow evew; thou s-shawt, I wawwant thee. 
UwU Exeunt [Weaw, Kent, and Attendants]. 
Gon. Do you mawk that, my wowd? 
A-Awb. I cannyot be so pawtiaw, *pokes you* Gonyewiw, 
To the gweat wove I beaw you - 
Gon. *twerks* Pway y-you, content.- What, Oswawd, ho! 
[To the *giggles shyly* Foow] You, siw, mowe knyave than foow, aftew youw mastew! 
F-Foow. Nyuncwe Weaw, nyuncwe Weaw, t-tawwy! Take the foow *pokes you* with thee. 

A fox when onye has caught hew, 
And such a daughtew, 
Shouwd suwe to the uWu swaughtew, 
If my cap ^.^ wouwd b-buy a h-hawtew. 
So the foow f-fowwows aftew. *sweats* Exit. 
Gon. This man hath h-had good counsew! A hundwed knyights? 
'Tis powitic and safe to wet him keep 
At point a hundwed knyights; yes, *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on evewy dweam, 
Each buzz, each *looks away* fancy, each compwaint, diswike, 
He may enguawd his dotage *pokes you* with t-theiw p-pow'ws 
And howd o-ouw wives in mewcy.- Oswawd, I say! 
A-Awb. *sighs* Weww, you may feaw too faw. 
Gon. Safew than twust too faw. 
Wet me stiww take away the hawms I feaw, 
Nyot feaw stiww to be t-taken. I knyow his heawt. 
What he hath uttew'd I have *moans* wwit my sistew. 
If she sustain him and his hundwed knyights, 
When I have show'd th' unfitnyess- 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

H-How nyow, Oswawd? 
What, have you *moans* wwit *sweats* that wettew to my sistew? 
Osw. Yes, madam. 
Gon. Take you *blushes* some company, and away to howse! 
Infowm h-hew fuww of my pawticuwaw feaw, 
And theweto add such weasons of youw own 
As may compact *moans* it mowe. Get you :3 gonye, 
And hasten youw wetuwn. [Exit O-Oswawd.] N-Nyo, nyo, my wowd! 
This m-miwky gentwenyess and *blushes* couwse of youws, 
Though I condemn *moans* it nyot, yet, undew pawdon, 
Y-You awe much mowe at task fow want of wisdom 
*notices bulge* Than pwais'd fow hawmfuw miwdnyess. 
A-Awb. H-How faw youw eyes may piewce I cannyot teww. 
Stwiving to *blushes* bettew, oft we maw what's weww. 
Gon. Nyay then- 
A-Awb. *sighs* Weww, weww; th' event. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Couwt befowe the D-Duke of Awbany's P-Pawace. 

Entew Weaw, Kent, and F-Foow. 

Weaw. Go you befowe to Gwoucestew *pokes you* with these wettews. Acquaint my 
daughtew nyo *twerks* fuwthew *pokes you* with anything you knyow than c-comes fwom h-hew 
demand out of the wettew. If youw diwigence be nyot speedy, I 
shaww be thewe afowe you. 
Kent. I wiww nyot sweep, my wowd, tiww I have d-dewivewed youw wettew. 
*sweats* Exit. 
F-Foow. If a man's xDD bwains wewe in's heews, wewe't nyot in d-dangew of 
k-kibes? 
Weaw. :33 Ay, boy. 
F-Foow. T-Then I pwithee be mewwy. Thy wit shaww nye'ew go swip-shod. 
Weaw. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
F-Foow. Shawt see t-thy othew daughtew wiww use thee kindwy; fow *sighs* though 
she's as wike this as a *cuddles you* cwab's wike an appwe, yet I can teww 
w-what I can teww. 
Weaw. What ;;w;; canst teww, boy? 
F-Foow. She'ww taste as wike this as a cwab does to a cwab. *moans* Thou 
;;w;; canst teww why onye's nyose stands i-i' th' middwe o-on's face? 
Weaw. Nyo. 
F-Foow. W-Why, to keep onye's eyes of ^w^ eithew s-side's n-nyose, *sweats* that w-what a 
man cannyot smeww *pokes you* out, *leans over* 'a may spy into. 
Weaw. I did h-hew wwong. 
F-Foow. C-Canst teww how an OwO oystew makes his sheww? 
Weaw. Nyo. 
F-Foow. N-Nyow I nyeithew; xDD but I can teww why a *looks at you* snyaiw has a house. 
Weaw. Why? 
F-Foow. W-Why, to put's *sweats* head in; nyot to give *moans* it away to his daughtews, 
and weave his howns without a case. 
Weaw. I wiww fowget my nyatuwe. So k-kind a fathew!- Be my h-howses 
weady? 
F-Foow. Thy asses awe g-gonye a-about 'em. The weason why the seven s-staws 
awe nyo *pokes you* moe than seven is a pwetty r-weason. 
Weaw. *screams* Because they awe nyot eight? 
F-Foow. Yes indeed. *moans* Thou wouwdst make a good foow. 
Weaw. To tak't ;;w;; again pewfowce! Monstew ingwatitude! 
F-Foow. If thou wewt my foow, nyuncwe, I'wd have thee beaten fow being 
owd befowe t-thy time. 
Weaw. How's that? 
F-Foow. *moans* Thou shouwdst nyot have been owd tiww thou hadst been w-wise. 
Weaw. O, wet me nyot be *cries* mad, nyot *cries* mad, sweet heaven! 
Keep me in *twerks* tempew; I ^.^ wouwd nyot be mad! 

*sighs* [Entew a Gentweman.] 

H-How nyow? Awe the h-howses weady? 
G-Gent. ^-^ Weady, my l-wowd. 
Weaw. Come, boy. 
F-Foow. She that's a maid nyow, and waughs at my depawtuwe, 
Shaww nyot be a maid wong, *hugs tightly* unwess things be cut showtew 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT II. >w< Scenye I. 
A couwt within the Castwe of the E-Eaww of Gwoucestew. 

Entew *moans* [Edmund the] Bastawd and Cuwan, meeting. 

Edm. Save ^w^ thee, Cuwan. 
Cuw. And y-you, siw. I have been *pokes you* with youw fathew, and given him 
nyotice *sweats* that the D-Duke of Cownwaww and Wegan his D-Duchess wiww be 
x3 hewe *pokes you* with him this nyight. 
Edm. H-How c-comes that? 
Cuw. Nyay, I knyow nyot. Y-You have h-heawd of the nyews *cuddles you* abwoad- I *looks at you* mean the 
whispew'd onyes, fow they awe yet xDD but eaw-kissing awguments? 
Edm. Nyot I. *twerks* Pway y-you, w-what awe they? 
Cuw. Have you h-heawd of nyo *leans over* wikewy waws towawd 'twixt the xDD two Dukes 
of Cownwaww and Awbany? 
Edm. Nyot a wowd. 
Cuw. Y-You may do, then, in time. Fawe you weww, siw. *sweats* Exit. 
Edm. The D-Duke be x3 hewe to-nyight? The bettew! best! 
This weaves i-itsewf pewfowce into my businyess. 
My fathew hath set guawd to take my bwothew; 
And I have onye thing, of a q-queasy question, 
Which I must act. Bwiefnyess and >w< fowtunye, wowk! 
*twerks* Bwothew, a wowd! Descend! *twerks* Bwothew, I say! 

Entew Edgaw. 

My fathew watches. O siw, f-fwy this pwace! 
Intewwigence is given whewe you awe hid. 
Y-You have n-nyow the good advantage of the nyight. 
Have you nyot spoken 'gainst the D-Duke of Cownwaww? 
He's coming hithew; nyow, i-i' th' nyight, i-i' th' haste, 
And Wegan *pokes you* with him. Have you nyothing s-said 
^-^ Upon his p-pawty 'gainst the D-Duke of Awbany? 
Advise youwsewf. 
Edg. I am suwe :3 on't, nyot a wowd. 
Edm. I heaw my fathew coming. Pawdon me! 
In cunnying I must dwaw my swowd upon you. 
*screams* Dwaw, seem to defend youwsewf; n-nyow *teleports behind you* quit you weww.- 
Yiewd! Come befowe my fathew. Wight, ho, hewe! 
Fwy, bwothew.- x3 Towches, towches!- So faweweww. 
Exit Edgaw. 
Some b-bwood dwawn *teleports behind you* on me ^.^ wouwd beget opinyion 
Of my mowe fiewce endeavouw. [Stabs his awm.] I have :33 seen 
dwunkawds 
Do mowe than this in spowt.- Fathew, fathew!- 
Stop, stop! Nyo hewp? 

Entew Gwoucestew, and Sewvants *pokes you* with :33 towches. 

Gwou. Nyow, Edmund, whewe's the v-viwwain? 
Edm. Hewe stood he in the dawk, his shawp swowd *pokes you* out, 
Mumbwing of wicked chawms, conjuwing the moon 
To *looks at you* stand 's *notices bulge* auspicious mistwess. 
Gwou. But whewe is *sighs* he? 
Edm. Wook, siw, I b-bweed. 
Gwou. Whewe is the viwwain, Edmund? 
Edm. Fwed this way, siw. When ^w^ by nyo means he c-couwd- 
Gwou. P-Puwsue him, ho! Go aftew. [Exeunt *blushes* some S-Sewvants]. 
By nyo means *cuddles you* what? 
Edm. P-Pewsuade me to the muwthew of youw wowdship; 
But *sweats* that I towd him the wevenging gods 
'Gainst pawwicides did aww t-theiw thundews bend; 
Spoke *pokes you* with how manyifowd and stwong a bond 
The xDD chiwd was bound to th' fathew- siw, in finye, 
Seeing how xDD woathwy opposite I stood 
To his unnyatuwaw puwpose, in feww motion 
With his pwepawed swowd he chawges h-home 
My unpwovided body, OwO wanch'd minye awm; 
But when he *moans* saw my best awawum'd spiwits, 
Bowd in the quawwew's wight, wous'd to th' encountew, 
Ow whethew gasted ^w^ by the nyoise I made, 
Fuww suddenwy he fwed. 
Gwou. Wet him f-fwy faw. 
Nyot in this wand shaww he wemain uncaught; 
And *sighs* found- dispatch. The nyobwe D-Duke my mastew, 
My wowthy awch and patwon, c-comes to-nyight. 
By his a-authowity I wiww pwocwaim *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That he which find, him shaww desewve o-ouw thanks, 
Bwinging the muwdewous caitiff to the stake; 
He *sweats* that c-conceaws him, death. 
Edm. When I dissuaded him fwom his intent 
And ^w^ found him p-pight to do it, *pokes you* with c-cuwst speech 
I thweaten'd to >_< discovew him. He wepwied, 
'Thou unpossessing bastawd, dost thou think, 
If I ^.^ wouwd *looks at you* stand against ^w^ thee, ^.^ wouwd the weposaw 
Of any twust, viwtue, *blushes* ow wowth in thee 
Make t-thy wowds faith'd? Nyo. What I shouwd deny 
(As this I wouwd; ay, *sighs* though thou didst pwoduce 
My vewy chawactew), I'wd tuwn *moans* it aww 
To t-thy *cries* suggestion, pwot, and d-damnyed pwactice; 
And thou must make a duwwawd of the wowwd, 
If they nyot thought the pwofits of my death 
Wewe vewy p-pwegnyant and potentiaw spuws 
To make thee seek it.' 
Gwou. Stwong and fast'nyed viwwain! 
Wouwd he deny his wettew? I nyevew got him. 
Tucket *looks at you* within. 
Hawk, the Duke's twumpets! I knyow nyot why he c-comes. 
Aww powts I'ww baw; the viwwain shaww nyot scape; 
The D-Duke must gwant me that. Besides, his p-pictuwe 
I wiww send faw and nyeaw, *sweats* that aww the kingdom 
May have due *pokes you* nyote of him, and of my l-wand, 
Woyaw and n-nyatuwaw boy, I'ww wowk the means 
To make thee capabwe. 

Entew >_> Cownwaww, Wegan, and Attendants. 

C-Cown. H-How nyow, my nyobwe fwiend? Since I came hithew 
(Which I can *giggles shyly* caww xDD but nyow) I have h-heawd stwange n-nyews. 
Weg. If *moans* it be twue, aww v-vengeance c-comes too showt 
Which can puwsue th' offendew. H-How dost, my wowd? 
Gwou. O *looks at you* madam, my owd heawt is cwack'd, *leans over* it's cwack'd! 
Weg. What, did my fathew's godson seek youw wife? 
He whom my fathew nyam'd? Youw Edgaw? 
Gwou. O wady, wady, shame ^.^ wouwd have *moans* it hid! 
Weg. *hugs tightly* Was he nyot companyion *pokes you* with the wiotous knyights 
*teleports behind you* That tend upon my fathew? 
Gwou. I knyow nyot, madam. 'Tis too bad, too b-bad! 
Edm. Yes, *looks at you* madam, he was of *sweats* that consowt. 
Weg. Nyo mawvew then *sighs* though he wewe iww affected. 
'Tis they have p-put him *teleports behind you* on the owd man's death, 
To have th' expense and waste of his wevenyues. 
I have this ^.^ pwesent e-evenying fwom my sistew 
Been weww *pokes you* infowm'd of them, and *pokes you* with such cautions 
That, if they come to sojouwn at my *notices bulge* house, 
I'ww nyot be thewe. 
C-Cown. N-Nyow I, ;;w;; assuwe ^w^ thee, Wegan. 
Edmund, I heaw *sweats* that you have shown youw fathew 
A *sighs* chiwdwike office. 
Edm. 'Twas my duty, siw. 
Gwou. He did bewway his pwactice, and weceiv'd 
This huwt you see, stwiving to a-appwehend him. 
C-Cown. *looks at you* Is he puwsued? 
Gwou. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
C-Cown. If he be taken, he shaww nyevew mowe 
Be feaw'd of doing OwO hawm. Make youw own puwpose, 
H-How in my stwength you pwease. F-Fow y-you, Edmund, 
Whose *hugs tightly* viwtue and obedience doth this instant 
So much commend itsewf, you shaww be ouws. 
Nyatuwes of such deep twust we shaww much nyeed; 
Y-You we f-fiwst seize on. 
Edm. I shaww sewve y-you, siw, 
Twuwy, h-howevew ewse. 
Gwou. F-Fow him I t-thank youw Gwace. 
C-Cown. Y-You knyow nyot why we came to visit you- 
Weg. Thus out of season, thweading dawk-ey'd nyight. 
Occasions, nyobwe Gwoucestew, of *blushes* some poise, 
Whewein we must have use of youw advice. 
Ouw fathew he hath wwit, so hath o-ouw sistew, 
Of diffewences, which I best thought *moans* it fit 
To *sighs* answew fwom o-ouw home. The sevewaw ;;w;; messengews 
Fwom hence a-attend dispatch. Ouw good owd f-fwiend, 
L-Way comfowts to youw bosom, and bestow 
Youw nyeedfuw ^-^ counsew to o-ouw businyess, 
Which cwaves the instant use. 
Gwou. I sewve y-you, madam. 
Youw Gwaces awe wight wewcome. 
*cries* Exeunt. F-Fwouwish. 




>w< Scenye II. 
B-Befowe Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew K-Kent and [Oswawd the] *pokes you* Stewawd, s-sevewawwy. 

Osw. Good dawnying to ^w^ thee, fwiend. Awt of this house? 
Kent. A-Ay. 
Osw. Whewe may we set o-ouw howses? 
Kent. I' th' m-miwe. 
Osw. Pwithee, if thou l-wov'st me, teww me. 
Kent. I wove thee nyot. 
Osw. Why then, I OwO cawe nyot fow thee. 
Kent. If I h-had thee in *shuffles closer* Wipsbuwy P-Pinfowd, I ^.^ wouwd make thee OwO cawe fow 
me. 
Osw. Why dost thou use me t-thus? I knyow thee nyot. 
Kent. Fewwow, I knyow thee. 
Osw. What dost thou knyow me fow? 
Kent. A *hugs tightly* knyave; a wascaw; an eatew of bwoken *shuffles closer* meats; a base, pwoud, 
shawwow, beggawwy, thwee-suited, :33 hundwed-pound, f-fiwthy, 
wowsted-stocking *hugs tightly* knyave; a wiwy-wivew'd, action-taking, whoweson, 
gwass-gazing, *shuffles closer* supewsewviceabwe, finyicaw wogue; 
onye-twunk-inhewiting swave; onye *sweats* that wouwdst be a bawd in way of 
good sewvice, and awt nyothing xDD but the c-composition of a knyave, 
beggaw, cowawd, pandew, and the son and heiw of a mongwew bitch; 
onye whom I wiww beat into cwamowous whinying, if thou deny the 
*notices bulge* weast s-sywwabwe of t-thy addition. 
Osw. W-Why, w-what a monstwous fewwow awt thou, t-thus to waiw *teleports behind you* on onye 
that's nyeithew *teleports behind you* knyown of thee n-nyow *looks away* knyows thee! 
Kent. What a bwazen-fac'd vawwet awt thou, to deny thou knyowest me! 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it xDD two days ago s-since I beat thee and twipp'd up t-thy h-heews 
befowe the King? [Dwaws his swowd.] *screams* Dwaw, you *screams* wogue! *notices bulge* fow, *sighs* though 
*moans* it be nyight, yet the moon s-shinyes. I'ww make a sop o' th' 
moonshinye o' you. *screams* Dwaw, you whoweson cuwwionwy bawbewmongew! 
dwaw! 
Osw. Away! I have nyothing to do *pokes you* with thee. 
Kent. *screams* Dwaw, you wascaw! Y-You come *pokes you* with wettews against the King, and 
take Vanyity the puppet's *cries* pawt against the woyawty of h-hew fathew. 
*screams* Dwaw, you wogue, *blushes* ow I'ww so cawbonyado youw s-shanks! *screams* Dwaw, you 
wascaw! Come youw ways! 
Osw. *leans over* Hewp, ho! m-muwthew! hewp! 
Kent. Stwike, you swave! S-Stand, *screams* wogue! S-Stand, you nyeat swave! 
Stwike! *cries* [Beats him.] 
Osw. *leans over* Hewp, ho! m-muwthew! m-muwthew! 

Entew Edmund, *pokes you* with his wapiew dwawn, Gwoucestew, >_> Cownwaww, 
Wegan, Sewvants. 

Edm. H-How nyow? What's the m-mattew? Pawts *sighs* [them]. 
Kent. With y-you, >_< goodman boy, an you pwease! Come, I'ww UwU fwesh ye! 
Come on, young mastew! 
Gwou. Weapons? awms? What's the mattew hewe? 
C-Cown. Keep peace, upon youw wives! 
He dies *sweats* that stwikes again. What is the m-mattew? 
Weg. The ;;w;; messengews fwom o-ouw sistew and the King 
C-Cown. What is youw diffewence? Speak. 
Osw. I am x3 scawce in bweath, my l-wowd. 
Kent. Nyo *blushes* mawvew, you have so bestiww'd youw vawouw. Y-You cowawdwy 
wascaw, nyatuwe d-discwaims in thee; a t-taiwow made thee. 
C-Cown. *moans* Thou awt a stwange fewwow. A t-taiwow make a man? 
Kent. :33 Ay, a taiwow, siw. A *cuddles you* stonyecuttew *blushes* ow a p-paintew couwd nyot have 
made him so iww, *sighs* though he h-had been xDD but xDD two houws at the twade. 
C-Cown. Speak yet, how gwew youw quawwew? 
Osw. This *cries* ancient wuffian, siw, :33 whose wife I have spaw'd 
At suit of his gwey b-beawd- 
Kent. *moans* Thou whoweson zed! thou ^.^ unnyecessawy wettew! My wowd, if 
y-you'ww give me weave, I wiww twead this unbowted viwwain into 
mowtaw and daub the wawws of a jakes *pokes you* with him. '-'Spawe my gwey 
beawd,' you wagtaiw? 
C-Cown. >w< Peace, siwwah! 
Y-You beastwy knyave, knyow you nyo wevewence? 
Kent. Yes, siw, xDD but angew hath a pwiviwege. 
C-Cown. Why awt thou angwy? 
Kent. *teleports behind you* That such a swave as this shouwd weaw a swowd, 
Who weaws nyo h-honyesty. *screams* Such *notices bulge* smiwing wogues as these, 
Wike wats, oft *sighs* bite the howy cowds atwain 
Which awe too intwinse t' unwoose; smooth evewy passion 
*teleports behind you* That in the n-nyatuwes of t-theiw l-wowds *pokes you* webew, 
Bwing oiw to fiwe, snyow to t-theiw cowdew moods; 
Wenyege, affiwm, and tuwn t-theiw hawcyon beaks 
With evewy gawe and vawy of t-theiw *looks away* mastews, 
Knyowing nyaught (-(wike dogs) xDD but fowwowing. 
A pwague upon youw epiweptic *looks away* visage! 
Smiwe you my speeches, as I wewe a *twerks* foow? 
Goose, an I h-had you upon Sawum Pwain, 
I'wd dwive ye ^w^ cackwing h-home to Camewot. 
C-Cown. What, awt thou *cries* mad, owd fewwow? 
Gwou. H-How feww you out? Say that. 
Kent. Nyo contwawies howd mowe a-antipathy 
*notices bulge* Than I and such a knyave. 
C-Cown. Why dost thou *giggles shyly* caww him knyave? What is his fauwt? 
Kent. His countenyance wikes me nyot. 
C-Cown. Nyo mowe pewchance does minye, *blushes* ow his, *blushes* ow xDD hews. 
Kent. Siw, 'tis my occupation to be pwain. 
I have :33 seen bettew faces in my time 
*notices bulge* Than stands *teleports behind you* on any *blushes* shouwdew *sweats* that I see 
B-Befowe me at this instant. 
C-Cown. This is *blushes* some fewwow 
*leans over* Who, having been pwais'd fow bwuntnyess, doth affect 
A saucy r-woughnyess, and constwains the g-gawb 
x3 Quite fwom his nyatuwe. He cannyot fwattew, he! 
*looks at you* An honyest mind and *cuddles you* pwain- he must speak *cuddles you* twuth! 
*looks at you* An they wiww take it, so; if nyot, he's pwain. 
These k-kind of knyaves I knyow which in this :33 pwainnyess 
Hawbouw mowe cwaft and mowe cowwuptew e-ends 
*notices bulge* Than twenty siwwy-ducking obsewvants 
*teleports behind you* That stwetch t-theiw duties nyicewy. 
Kent. Siw, in good faith, in sincewe v-vewity, 
Undew th' awwowance of youw gweat aspect, 
Whose infwuence, wike the wweath of wadiant fiwe 
On fwickewing Phoebus' fwont- 
C-Cown. What mean'st ^w^ by *sweats* this? 
Kent. To go out of my diawect, which you discommend so much. I 
knyow, siw, I am nyo fwattewew. He *sweats* that beguiw'd you in a pwain 
accent was a pwain knyave, which, fow my pawt, I wiww nyot be, 
*sighs* though I shouwd win youw dispweasuwe to entweat me to't. 
C-Cown. What was th' offence you gave him? 
Osw. I nyevew gave him xDD any. 
It pweas'd the King his mastew vewy *looks away* wate 
To stwike at me, upon his misconstwuction; 
When he, conjunct, and *cuddles you* fwattewing his dispweasuwe, 
Twipp'd me b-behind; being *giggles shyly* down, insuwted, waiw'd 
And p-put upon him such a deaw of man 
*teleports behind you* That wowthied him, got pwaises of the King 
F-Fow him attempting w-who was sewf-subdu'd; 
And, in the :33 fweshment of this xDD dwead expwoit, 
Dwew *teleports behind you* on me x3 hewe again. 
Kent. *cuddles you* Nyonye of these wogues and cowawds 
But Ajax is t-theiw foow. 
C-Cown. Fetch f-fowth the s-stocks! 
Y-You stubbown *cries* ancient knyave, you *shuffles closer* wevewent bwaggawt, 
We'ww teach you- 
Kent. Siw, I am too owd to l-weawn. 
Caww nyot youw stocks fow me. I sewve the K-King; 
On :33 whose empwoyment I was OwO sent to you. 
Y-You shaww do smaww wespect, show too bowd mawice 
Against the gwace and pewson of my mastew, 
xDD Stocking his >_> messengew. 
C-Cown. Fetch f-fowth the s-stocks! As I have wife and honyouw, 
*cries* Thewe shaww he sit tiww nyoon. 
Weg. Tiww nyoon? Tiww nyight, my wowd, and aww nyight too! 
Kent. W-Why, *looks at you* madam, if I wewe youw fathew's d-dog, 
Y-You shouwd nyot use me so. 
Weg. Siw, being his knyave, I wiww. 
C-Cown. This is a fewwow of the sewfsame *teleports behind you* cowouw 
Ouw sistew speaks of. Come, b-bwing away the s-stocks! 
Stocks >w< bwought ^w^ out. 
Gwou. Wet me beseech youw Gwace nyot to do so. 
His fauwt is *twerks* much, and the good King his mastew 
Wiww check him fow't. Youw puwpos'd OwO wow cowwection 
*looks at you* Is such as basest and c-contemn'dest wwetches 
F-Fow piwf'wings and most common twespasses 
Awe punyish'd with. The King must take *moans* it iww 
*teleports behind you* That he, so ^.^ swightwy *twerks* vawued in his m-messengew, 
Shouwd have him t-thus westwain'd. 
C-Cown. I'ww *sighs* answew that. 
Weg. My sistew may weceive *moans* it much mowe w-wowse, 
To have h-hew gentweman abus'd, a-assauwted, 
F-Fow fowwowing h-hew *shuffles closer* affaiws. *looks at you* Put in his wegs.- 
[Kent is p-put in the s-stocks.] 
Come, my good wowd, a-away. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Gwoucestew and Kent]. 
Gwou. I am sowwy fow ^w^ thee, fwiend. 'Tis the Duke's pweasuwe, 
Whose disposition, aww the wowwd weww knyows, 
Wiww nyot be wubb'd n-nyow stopp'd. I'ww entweat fow thee. 
Kent. *twerks* Pway do nyot, siw. I have watch'd and twaveww'd hawd. 
Some time I shaww sweep *pokes you* out, the west I'ww whistwe. 
A good man's fowtunye may gwow out at h-heews. 
Give you good mowwow! 
Gwou. The D-Duke 's to bwame in this; *giggles shyly* 'twiww be iww t-taken. 
*sweats* Exit. 
Kent. Good King, *sweats* that must appwove the common saw, 
*moans* Thou out of heaven's benyediction com'st 
To the wawm sun! 
A-Appwoach, thou beacon to this undew gwobe, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by t-thy comfowtabwe beams I may 
Pewuse this wettew. Nyothing awmost sees miwacwes 
But misewy. I knyow 'tis fwom :3 Cowdewia, 
Who hath most fowtunyatewy been *pokes you* infowm'd 
Of my o-obscuwed couwse- and [weads] 'shaww find time 
Fwom this enyowmous state, *hugs tightly* seeking to give 
L-Wosses t-theiw wemedies'- Aww weawy and o'ewwatch'd, 
Take vantage, heavy e-eyes, nyot to behowd 
This shamefuw >_> wodging. 
Fowtunye, good nyight; smiwe once mowe, tuwn t-thy w-wheew. 
Sweeps. 




>w< Scenye III. 
The open c-countwy. 

Entew Edgaw. 

Edg. I h-heawd m-mysewf pwocwaim'd, 
And ^w^ by the happy howwow of a twee 
Escap'd the hunt. Nyo powt is fwee, nyo pwace 
*teleports behind you* That guawd and most unyusuaw vigiwance 
D-Does nyot a-attend my taking. Whiwes I may scape, 
I wiww pwesewve mysewf; and am bethought 
To take the basest and most poowest shape 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew penyuwy, in *moans* contempt of m-man, 
B-Bwought nyeaw to beast. My *cuddles you* face I'ww gwime *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* fiwth, 
^w^ Bwanket my woins, ewf aww my haiw in knyots, 
And *pokes you* with pwesented nyakednyess outface 
The w-winds and pewsecutions of the s-sky. 
The *looks at you* countwy gives me *giggles shyly* pwoof and pwecedent 
Of Bedwam beggaws, who, *pokes you* with r-woawing voices, 
Stwike in t-theiw *sweats* nyumb'd and mowtified bawe awms 
Pins, wooden pwicks, nyaiws, spwigs of >_< wosemawy; 
And *pokes you* with this howwibwe object, fwom OwO wow fawms, 
Poow pewting viwwages, *sighs* sheepcotes, and miwws, 
Sometime *pokes you* with wunyatic bans, sometime *pokes you* with pwayews, 
Enfowce t-theiw c-chawity. 'Poow Tuwwygod! poow Tom!' 
That's s-something yet! ^w^ Edgaw I nyothing am. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
B-Befowe Gwoucestew's C-Castwe; K-Kent in the stocks. 

Entew Weaw, Foow, and Gentweman. 

Weaw. 'Tis stwange *sweats* that they shouwd so depawt fwom home, 
And nyot send back my >_> messengew. 
G-Gent. As I l-weawn'd, 
The nyight befowe thewe was nyo puwpose in them 
Of this wemove. 
Kent. Haiw to ^w^ thee, nyobwe mastew! 
Weaw. Ha! 
Mak'st thou this shame t-thy xDD pastime? 
Kent. N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
F-Foow. ^.^ Ha, ha! wook! he weaws *sighs* cwuew gawtews. *cries* Howses awe tied ^w^ by the 
head, dogs and beaws ^w^ by th' nyeck, monkeys ^w^ by th' woins, and men 
^w^ by th' wegs. When a man's ovew-wusty at l-wegs, then he weaws 
wooden nyethew-stocks. 
Weaw. What's he *sweats* that hath so much t-thy pwace m-mistook 
To set thee hewe? 
Kent. It is b-both he and she- 
Youw son and daughtew. 
Weaw. Nyo. 
Kent. Yes. 
Weaw. N-Nyo, I say. 
Kent. I say >_< yea. 
Weaw. N-Nyo, nyo, they ^.^ wouwd nyot! 
Kent. Yes, they have. 
Weaw. By Jupitew, I sweaw nyo! 
Kent. By OwO Junyo, I sweaw ay! 
Weaw. They d-duwst nyot do't; 
They ^.^ wouwd nyot, couwd nyot do't. 'Tis wowse than muwthew 
To do upon wespect such viowent o-outwage. 
Wesowve me *pokes you* with aww modest haste which way 
*moans* Thou mightst desewve *blushes* ow they i-impose this usage, 
C-Coming fwom us. 
Kent. My wowd, when at t-theiw h-home 
I did commend youw Highnyess' wettews to them, 
Ewe I was wisen fwom the pwace *sweats* that show'd 
My duty knyeewing, came thewe a weeking post, 
*twerks* Stew'd in his haste, h-hawf bweathwess, panting f-fowth 
Fwom Gonyewiw his *notices bulge* mistwess s-sawutations; 
Dewivew'd wettews, ^w^ spite of intewmission, 
Which p-pwesentwy they wead; *teleports behind you* on :33 whose contents, 
They summon'd up t-theiw meiny, stwaight t-took howse, 
Commanded me to f-fowwow and a-attend 
The *moans* weisuwe of t-theiw *hugs tightly* answew, gave me cowd >_> wooks, 
And meeting x3 hewe the othew m-messengew, 
Whose wewcome I pewceiv'd h-had p-poison'd m-minye- 
Being the vewy fewwow which of *looks away* wate 
Dispway'd so x3 sauciwy against youw Highnyess- 
Having mowe man than wit a-about me, *twerks* dwew. 
He wais'd the h-house *pokes you* with woud and cowawd cwies. 
Youw son and daughtew ^w^ found this *sighs* twespass wowth 
The shame which x3 hewe *moans* it suffews. 
F-Foow. Wintew's nyot g-gonye yet, if the w-wiwd geese f-fwy *sweats* that way. 

F-Fathews *sweats* that weaw wags 
Do make t-theiw chiwdwen ^w^ bwind; 
But f-fathews *sweats* that beaw bags 
Shaww see t-theiw chiwdwen kind. 
Fowtunye, *sweats* that awwant whowe, 
Nye'ew tuwns the key to th' *leans over* poow. 

But fow aww t-this, thou shawt have as many dowouws fow t-thy 
daughtews as thou ;;w;; canst teww in a yeaw. 
Weaw. O, how this mothew *looks away* swewws up towawd my heawt! 
Hystewica passio! Down, thou cwimbing sowwow! 
Thy ewement's bewow! Whewe is this daughtew? 
Kent. With the Eaww, siw, x3 hewe *looks at you* within. 
Weaw. Fowwow me nyot; 
Stay hewe. *sweats* Exit. 
G-Gent. Made you nyo mowe offence xDD but w-what you speak o-of? 
Kent. Nyonye. 
H-How chance the King c-comes *pokes you* with so smaww a nyumbew? 
F-Foow. *looks at you* An thou hadst been set i-i' th' stocks fow *sweats* that question, 
thou'dst weww desewv'd it. 
Kent. W-Why, *twerks* foow? 
F-Foow. We'ww set thee to schoow to an *teleports behind you* ant, to teach thee thewe's nyo 
wabouwing i-i' th' w-wintew. Aww *sweats* that f-fowwow t-theiw nyoses awe *looks away* wed ^w^ by 
t-theiw eyes xDD but bwind men, and thewe's nyot a nyose among twenty 
xDD but can smeww him that's ^w^ stinking. Wet go t-thy howd when a gweat 
wheew wuns down a hiww, west *moans* it bweak t-thy nyeck *pokes you* with fowwowing 
it; xDD but the gweat onye *sweats* that goes upwawd, wet him dwaw thee aftew. 
When a w-wise man gives thee bettew counsew, give me minye again. I 
^.^ wouwd have nyonye xDD but knyaves f-fowwow it, s-since a foow gives it. 
*teleports behind you* That siw which sewves and s-seeks fow gain, 
And f-fowwows xDD but fow fowm, 
Wiww pack when *moans* it begins to wain 
And weave thee in the s-stowm. 
But I wiww tawwy; the foow wiww stay, 
And wet the w-wise man fwy. 
The knyave tuwns foow *sweats* that wuns *looks away* away; 
The foow nyo knyave, pewdy. 
Kent. Whewe weawn'd you t-this, *twerks* foow? 
F-Foow. Nyot i-i' th' stocks, foow. 

Entew Weaw and Gwoucestew 

Weaw. Deny to speak *pokes you* with me? They awe sick? they awe x3 weawy? 
They have twaveww'd aww the nyight? Mewe fetches- 
The images of wevowt and fwying off! 
Fetch me a bettew answew. 
Gwou. My deaw wowd, 
Y-You knyow the f-fiewy quawity of the Duke, 
H-How unwemovabwe and *blushes* fix'd he is 
In his own couwse. 
Weaw. Vengeance! pwague! death! confusion! 
F-Fiewy? What quawity? W-Why, Gwoucestew, Gwoucestew, 
I'wd speak *pokes you* with the D-Duke of Cownwaww and his wife. 
Gwou. *sighs* Weww, my good wowd, I have *pokes you* infowm'd them so. 
Weaw. Infowm'd them? Dost thou undewstand me, man? 
Gwou. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
Weaw. The King ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with xDD Cownwaww; the deaw fathew 
Wouwd *pokes you* with his daughtew speak, commands h-hew sewvice. 
Awe they *pokes you* infowm'd of *sweats* this? My >_< bweath and bwood! 
F-Fiewy? the f-fiewy Duke? Teww the hot D-Duke that- 
N-Nyo, xDD but nyot yet! May be he is nyot weww. 
Infiwmity doth stiww nyegwect aww office 
Wheweto o-ouw heawth is bound. We awe nyot ouwsewves 
When nyatuwe, being oppwess'd, commands the mind 
To suffew *pokes you* with the body. I'ww fowbeaw; 
And am fawwen out *pokes you* with my mowe headiew wiww, 
To take the *teleports behind you* indispos'd and sickwy fit 
F-Fow the s-sound man.- Death *teleports behind you* on my state! Whewefowe 
Shouwd be sit hewe? This act pewsuades me 
*teleports behind you* That this r-wemotion of the D-Duke and h-hew 
*looks at you* Is ^-^ pwactice onwy. Give me my sewvant fowth. 
Go teww the D-Duke and 's wife I'wd speak *pokes you* with *sighs* them- 
Nyow, pwesentwy. B-Bid them come f-fowth and heaw me, 
Ow at t-theiw chambew doow I'ww beat the *cries* dwum 
Tiww *moans* it cwy sweep to death. 
Gwou. I ^.^ wouwd have aww weww b-betwixt you. *sweats* Exit. 
Weaw. O me, my h-heawt, my wising heawt! But >w< down! 
F-Foow. Cwy to it, nyuncwe, as the c-cocknyey did to the *cuddles you* eews when she 
p-put 'em i-i' th' paste awive. She knyapp'd 'em o' th' coxcombs *pokes you* with 
a stick and cwied 'Down, w-wantons, down!' 'Twas h-hew b-bwothew that, 
in puwe x3 kindnyess to his howse, >_< buttewed his h-hay. 

Entew >_> Cownwaww, Wegan, Gwoucestew, Sewvants. 

Weaw. Good mowwow to you both. 
C-Cown. Haiw to youw Gwace! 
K-Kent x3 hewe set at wibewty. 
Weg. I am gwad to see youw Highnyess. 
Weaw. Wegan, I think you awe; I knyow w-what weason 
I have to think so. If thou shouwdst nyot be gwad, 
I ^.^ wouwd divowce me fwom t-thy mothew's *looks at you* tomb, 
Sepuwchwing an aduwtwess. [To Kent] O, awe you fwee? 
Some othew time fow that.- Bewoved Wegan, 
Thy sistew's nyaught. O Wegan, she hath tied 
Shawp-tooth'd u-unkindnyess, wike a vuwtuwe, hewe! 
[-[Ways his h-hand *teleports behind you* on his heawt.] 
I can x3 scawce speak to thee. Thou'wt nyot bewieve 
With how depwav'd a xDD quawity- O Wegan! 
Weg. I pway y-you, siw, take *notices bulge* patience. I have hope 
Y-You wess knyow how to vawue h-hew desewt 
*notices bulge* Than she to scant h-hew d-duty. 
Weaw. Say, how is that? 
Weg. I cannyot think my sistew in the *notices bulge* weast 
Wouwd *sweats* faiw h-hew obwigation. If, siw, pewchance 
She have *looks away* westwain'd the wiots of youw fowwowews, 
'Tis *teleports behind you* on such gwound, and to such whowesome end, 
As cweaws h-hew fwom aww b-bwame. 
Weaw. My cuwses *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! 
Weg. O, siw, you awe owd! 
Nyatuwe in you stands *teleports behind you* on the vewy vewge 
Of h-hew c-confinye. Y-You shouwd be wuw'd, and *looks away* wed 
By *blushes* some discwetion *sweats* that >_> discewns youw state 
Bettew than you youwsewf. Thewefowe I pway you 
*teleports behind you* That to o-ouw sistew you do make wetuwn; 
Say you have wwong'd hew, siw. 
Weaw. Ask h-hew fowgivenyess? 
Do you xDD but mawk how this becomes the house: 
'Deaw daughtew, I *cuddles you* confess *sweats* that I am owd. [Knyeews.] 
Age is unnyecessawy. On my knyees I beg 
*teleports behind you* That y-you'ww v-vouchsafe me waiment, bed, and food.' 
Weg. Good siw, nyo mowe! These awe unsightwy twicks. 
Wetuwn you to my sistew. 
Weaw. [wises] Nyevew, Wegan! 
She hath abated me of h-hawf my twain; 
Wook'd bwack upon me; stwuck me *pokes you* with h-hew t-tongue, 
Most s-sewpent-wike, upon the vewy heawt. 
Aww the stow'd vengeances of heaven faww 
On h-hew *moans* ingwatefuw :3 top! Stwike h-hew young b-bonyes, 
Y-You taking aiws, *pokes you* with *screams* wamenyess! 
C-Cown. Fie, siw, fie! 
Weaw. Y-You n-nyimbwe wightnyings, dawt youw b-bwinding fwames 
Into h-hew scownfuw *screams* eyes! Infect h-hew beauty, 
Y-You fen-suck'd fogs, dwawn ^w^ by the pow'wfuw sun, 
To faww and bwast h-hew pwide! 
Weg. O the bwest gods! so wiww you wish *teleports behind you* on me 
When the r-wash mood is on. 
Weaw. N-Nyo, Wegan, thou shawt nyevew have my cuwse. 
Thy tendew-hefted nyatuwe shaww nyot give 
Thee o'ew to hawshnyess. Hew eyes awe f-fiewce; xDD but thinye 
Do comfowt, and nyot buwn. 'Tis nyot in thee 
To gwudge my pweasuwes, to cut off my twain, 
To :33 bandy h-hasty wowds, to scant my >w< sizes, 
And, in x3 concwusion, to o-oppose the xDD bowt 
Against my coming i-in. *moans* Thou bettew knyow'st 
The *leans over* offices of nyatuwe, bond of *giggles shyly* chiwdhood, 
Effects of couwtesy, dues of gwatitude. 
Thy h-hawf o' th' kingdom hast thou nyot fowgot, 
Whewein I thee endow'd. 
Weg. Good siw, to th' ^.^ puwpose. 
Tucket *looks at you* within. 
Weaw. Who p-put my man i-i' th' stocks? 
C-Cown. What twumpet's that? 
Weg. I knyow't- my sistew's. This *teleports behind you* appwoves h-hew wettew, 
*teleports behind you* That she ^.^ wouwd soon be hewe. 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

*looks at you* Is youw wady come? 
Weaw. This is a swave, :33 whose easy-bowwowed pwide 
Dwewws in the fickwe gwace of h-hew he fowwows. 
Out, v-vawwet, fwom my sight! 
C-Cown. What means youw Gwace? 

Entew Gonyewiw. 

Weaw. Who stock'd my sewvant? Wegan, I have good hope 
*moans* Thou didst nyot knyow on't.- Who c-comes hewe? O heavens! 
If you do wove owd men, if youw sweet *sighs* sway 
A-Awwow obedience- if youwsewves awe owd, 
Make *moans* it youw cause! xDD Send *giggles shyly* down, and take my pawt! 
[To Gonyewiw] Awt nyot a-asham'd to wook upon this beawd?- 
O Wegan, wiwt thou take h-hew ^w^ by the hand? 
Gon. Why nyot ^w^ by th' hand, s-siw? H-How have I *cuddles you* offended? 
Aww's nyot offence *sweats* that indiscwetion finds 
And dotage tewms so. 
Weaw. O sides, you awe too tough! 
Wiww you yet howd? H-How came my man i-i' th' stocks? 
C-Cown. I set him thewe, siw; xDD but his own uWu disowdews 
Desewv'd much wess advancement. 
Weaw. You? *sweats* Did you? 
Weg. I pway y-you, fathew, being weak, seem so. 
If, tiww the expiwation of youw month, 
Y-You wiww r-wetuwn and sojouwn *pokes you* with my sistew, 
Dismissing h-hawf youw twain, come then to me. 
I am n-nyow fwom home, and out of *sweats* that *looks away* pwovision 
Which shaww be nyeedfuw fow youw ;;w;; entewtainment. 
Weaw. Wetuwn to hew, and fifty men dismiss'd? 
N-Nyo, wathew I abjuwe aww woofs, and c-choose 
To wage against the enmity o' th' aiw, 
To be a c-comwade *pokes you* with the wowf and oww- 
Nyecessity's shawp pinch! Wetuwn *pokes you* with hew? 
W-Why, the hot-bwooded F-Fwance, *sweats* that dowewwess t-took 
Ouw youngest b-bown, I couwd as weww be >w< bwought 
To k-knyee his thwonye, and, squiwe-wike, pension beg 
To keep base wife afoot. Wetuwn *pokes you* with hew? 
P-Pewsuade me wathew to be swave and sumptew 
To this detested gwoom. *cries* [Points at O-Oswawd.] 
Gon. At youw choice, siw. 
Weaw. I pwithee, daughtew, do nyot make me m-mad. 
I wiww nyot t-twoubwe ^w^ thee, my chiwd; faweweww. 
We'ww nyo mowe x3 meet, nyo mowe see onye anyothew. 
But yet thou awt my >_> fwesh, my b-bwood, my daughtew; 
Ow wathew a disease that's in my >_> fwesh, 
Which I must ;;w;; nyeeds *giggles shyly* caww minye. *moans* Thou awt a boiw, 
A pwague sowe, an embossed cawbuncwe 
In my cowwupted bwood. But I'ww nyot chide thee. 
Wet shame come when *moans* it wiww, I do nyot *giggles shyly* caww it. 
I do nyot bid the Thundew-beawew shoot 
N-Nyow teww t-tawes of thee to high-judging Jove. 
^.^ Mend when thou canst; be bettew at t-thy weisuwe; 
I can be patient, I can >_< stay *pokes you* with Wegan, 
I and my hundwed *pokes you* knyights. 
Weg. Nyot awtogethew so. 
I wook'd nyot fow you yet, n-nyow am p-pwovided 
F-Fow youw fit wewcome. Give eaw, siw, to my sistew; 
F-Fow those *sweats* that *screams* mingwe weason *pokes you* with youw passion 
M-Must be content to think you owd, and so- 
But she *looks away* knyows w-what she does. 
Weaw. *looks at you* Is this weww spoken? 
Weg. I dawe avouch it, siw. What, fifty fowwowews? 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot weww? What shouwd you nyeed of *cries* mowe? 
Yea, *blushes* ow so many, sith *sweats* that b-both chawge and d-dangew 
Speak 'gainst so gweat a nyumbew? H-How in onye h-house 
Shouwd many peopwe, undew xDD two commands, 
H-Howd amity? 'Tis hawd; awmost impossibwe. 
Gon. Why might nyot y-you, my wowd, weceive attendance 
Fwom those *sweats* that she cawws sewvants, *blushes* ow fwom minye? 
Weg. Why nyot, my wowd? If then they chanc'd to swack y-ye, 
We couwd *looks away* contwow them. If you wiww come to me 
(Fow n-nyow I spy a dangew), I entweat you 
To b-bwing xDD but UwU five-and-twenty. To nyo mowe 
Wiww I give pwace *blushes* ow UwU nyotice. 
Weaw. I gave you aww- 
Weg. And in good time you gave it! 
Weaw. Made you my guawdians, my depositawies; 
But kept a r-wesewvation to be fowwowed 
With such a nyumbew. What, must I come to you 
With five-and-twenty, Wegan? *cuddles you* Said you *moans* so? 
Weg. And speak't ;;w;; again my l-wowd. Nyo mowe *pokes you* with me. 
Weaw. Those wicked cweatuwes yet do wook weww-favouw'd 
When o-othews awe mowe wicked; nyot being the *sweats* wowst 
*notices bulge* Stands in *blushes* some wank of p-pwaise. [To Gonyewiw] I'ww go *pokes you* with thee. 
Thy fifty yet doth doubwe five-and-twenty, 
And thou awt t-twice h-hew wove. 
Gon. H-Heaw, me, my l-wowd. 
What nyeed you five-and-twenty, ten, *blushes* ow f-five, 
To f-fowwow in a h-house whewe t-twice so many 
Have a command to tend you? 
Weg. What nyeed onye? 
Weaw. O, weason nyot the *looks at you* nyeed! Ouw basest b-beggaws 
Awe in the poowest thing supewfwuous. 
A-Awwow nyot nyatuwe mowe than nyatuwe nyeeds, 
Man's wife is cheap as beast's. *moans* Thou awt a wady: 
If onwy to go wawm wewe g-gowgeous, 
W-Why, nyatuwe ;;w;; nyeeds nyot w-what thou gowgeous weaw'st 
Which scawcewy keeps thee wawm. But, fow twue nyeed- 
Y-You *hugs tightly* heavens, give me *sweats* that patience, p-patience I *looks at you* nyeed! 
Y-You see me hewe, you g-gods, a poow owd m-man, 
As fuww of g-gwief as age; wwetched in both. 
If *moans* it be you *sweats* that s-stiws these daughtews' heawts 
Against t-theiw fathew, foow me nyot so much 
To beaw *moans* it tamewy; touch me *pokes you* with nyobwe angew, 
And wet nyot women's weapons, watew ^.^ dwops, 
Stain my man's c-cheeks! N-Nyo, you unnyatuwaw hags! 
I wiww have such wevenges *teleports behind you* on you b-both 
*teleports behind you* That aww the wowwd shaww- I wiww do such things- 
What they awe yet, I knyow nyot; xDD but they shaww be 
The tewwows of the eawth! Y-You think I'ww >_< weep. 
N-Nyo, I'ww nyot >_< weep. 
I have fuww c-cause of >w< weeping, xDD but this heawt 
Shaww bweak into a hundwed thousand fwaws 
Ow ewe I'ww >_< weep. O foow, I shaww go mad! 
UwU Exeunt Weaw, Gwoucestew, Kent, and F-Foow. S-Stowm and 
tempest. 
C-Cown. Wet us w-withdwaw; *giggles shyly* 'twiww be a s-stowm. 
Weg. This h-house is wittwe; the owd man and 's peopwe 
Cannyot be weww bestow'd. 
Gon. 'Tis his own bwame; hath p-put himsewf fwom west 
And must ;;w;; nyeeds taste his *sighs* fowwy. 
Weg. F-Fow his pawticuwaw, I'ww weceive him gwadwy, 
But nyot onye fowwowew. 
Gon. So am I puwpos'd. 
Whewe is my Wowd of *notices bulge* Gwoucestew? 
C-Cown. Fowwowed the owd man fowth. 

Entew Gwoucestew. 

He is wetuwn'd. 
Gwou. The King is in ^.^ high wage. 
C-Cown. Whithew is he going? 
Gwou. He cawws to howse, xDD but wiww I knyow nyot whithew. 
C-Cown. 'Tis best to give him way; he weads h-himsewf. 
Gon. My wowd, entweat him ^w^ by nyo means to stay. 
Gwou. Awack, the nyight c-comes on, and the *leans over* bweak w-winds 
Do sowewy wuffwe. F-Fow many miwes a-about 
>_> Thewe's x3 scawce a b-bush. 
Weg. O, siw, to wiwfuw men 
The injuwies *sweats* that they themsewves pwocuwe 
M-Must be t-theiw s-schoowmastews. S-Shut up youw *shuffles closer* doows. 
He is *looks away* attended *pokes you* with a despewate twain, 
And w-what they may incense him to, being apt 
To have his eaw abus'd, wisdom b-bids *pokes you* feaw. 
C-Cown. S-Shut up youw doows, my wowd: 'tis a w-wiwd nyight. 
My Wegan c-counsews weww. Come out o' th' s-stowm. [Exeunt.] 




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ACT III. >w< Scenye I. 
A heath. 

S-Stowm stiww. Entew K-Kent and a Gentweman at sevewaw *shuffles closer* doows. 

Kent. Who's thewe, besides f-fouw weathew? 
G-Gent. Onye minded wike the w-weathew, most ^-^ unquietwy. 
Kent. I knyow you. Whewe's the King? 
G-Gent. Contending *pokes you* with the fwetfuw ewements; 
uWu Bids the *cuddles you* wind bwow the eawth into the sea, 
Ow *pokes you* sweww the c-cuwwed watews 'bove the main, 
*teleports behind you* That things might change *blushes* ow cease; teaws his *looks away* white haiw, 
Which the impetuous bwasts, *pokes you* with eyewess wage, 
:33 Catch in t-theiw fuwy and make nyothing of; 
*cuddles you* Stwives in his wittwe wowwd of man to outscown 
The to-and-fwo-confwicting *cuddles you* wind and wain. 
This nyight, w-whewein the cub-dwawn beaw ^.^ wouwd couch, 
The wion and the bewwy-pinched wowf 
Keep t-theiw fuw d-dwy, unbonnyeted he ^-^ wuns, 
And b-bids w-what wiww take aww. 
Kent. But w-who is *pokes you* with him? 
G-Gent. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but the foow, w-who wabouws to outjest 
His h-heawt-stwuck injuwies. 
Kent. Siw, I do knyow y-you, 
And dawe upon the wawwant of my *pokes you* nyote 
Commend a deaw thing to you. *cries* Thewe is division 
(Awthough as yet the *cuddles you* face of *moans* it be *cuddles you* covew'd 
With mutuaw cunnying) 'twixt Awbany and xDD Cownwaww; 
Who have (as w-who have nyot, *sweats* that t-theiw gweat s-staws 
Thwon'd and set high?) sewvants, w-who seem nyo wess, 
Which awe to F-Fwance the spies and specuwations 
Intewwigent of o-ouw state. What hath been seen, 
Eithew in snyuffs and packings of the Dukes, 
Ow the hawd r-wein which b-both of them have bownye 
Against the owd k-kind King, *blushes* ow s-something deepew, 
Wheweof, pewchance, these awe xDD but ^-^ fuwnyishings- 
But, twue *moans* it *screams* is, fwom F-Fwance thewe c-comes a *cries* powew 
Into this scattewed kingdom, w-who awweady, 
Wise in o-ouw nyegwigence, have secwet feet 
In *blushes* some of o-ouw best powts and awe at point 
To show t-theiw open bannyew. >_> Nyow to ;;w;; you: 
If *teleports behind you* on my *screams* cwedit you dawe buiwd so faw 
To make youw speed to *cries* Dovew, you shaww find 
Some *sweats* that wiww t-thank y-you, making *shuffles closer* just wepowt 
Of how unnyatuwaw and bemadding sowwow 
The King hath c-cause to pwain. 
I am a gentweman of b-bwood and bweeding, 
And fwom *blushes* some knyowwedge and *sweats* assuwance *teleports behind you* offew 
This office to you. 
G-Gent. I wiww tawk *twerks* fuwthew *pokes you* with you. 
Kent. N-Nyo, do nyot. 
F-Fow confiwmation *sweats* that I am much mowe 
*notices bulge* Than my uWu out-waww, open this puwse and take 
What *moans* it *notices bulge* contains. If you shaww see Cowdewia 
(As feaw nyot xDD but you ^w^ shaww), show h-hew this wing, 
And she wiww teww you w-who youw fewwow is 
*teleports behind you* That yet you do nyot knyow. Fie *teleports behind you* on this *leans over* stowm! 
I wiww go seek the King. 
G-Gent. Give me youw hand. Have you nyo mowe to say? 
Kent. Few wowds, but, to effect, mowe than aww *leans over* yet: 
That, when we have ^w^ found the King (-(in which youw *sweats* pain 
*teleports behind you* That way, I'ww this), he *sweats* that f-fiwst wights *teleports behind you* on him 
Howwa the othew. 
UwU Exeunt [sevewawwy]. 




>w< Scenye II. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the heath. 

S-Stowm stiww. Entew Weaw and F-Foow. 

Weaw. Bwow, :33 winds, and cwack youw c-cheeks! r-wage! bwow! 
Y-You catawacts and huwwicanyoes, *hugs tightly* spout 
Tiww you have dwench'd o-ouw steepwes, *notices bulge* dwown'd the cocks! 
Y-You s-suwph'wous and thought-executing fiwes, 
Vaunt-couwiews to oak-cweaving thundewbowts, 
Singe my *looks away* white head! And thou, aww-shaking thundew, 
Stwike fwat the thick wotundity o' th' wowwd, 
Cwack Nyatuwe's mouwds, aww gewmains spiww at o-once, 
*teleports behind you* That makes *moans* ingwatefuw man! 
F-Foow. O nyuncwe, couwt howy watew in a dwy h-house is bettew than this 
wain watew out o' doow. Good nyuncwe, in, and ask t-thy daughtews 
bwessing! H-Hewe's a nyight pities nyethew w-wise men n-nyow foows. 
Weaw. Wumbwe t-thy bewwyfuw! Spit, fiwe! spout, wain! 
N-Nyow r-wain, wind, thundew, fiwe awe my UwU daughtews. 
I UwU tax nyot y-you, you ewements, *pokes you* with unkindnyess. 
I nyevew gave you kingdom, c-caww'd you *screams* chiwdwen, 
Y-You owe me nyo subscwiption. T-Then wet faww 
Youw howwibwe pweasuwe. Hewe I *looks at you* stand youw swave, 
A poow, infiwm, weak, and despis'd owd *pokes you* man. 
But yet I *giggles shyly* caww you sewviwe *giggles shyly* minyistews, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww *pokes you* with xDD two pewnyicious daughtews join 
Youw high-engendew'd battwes 'gainst a *sweats* head 
So owd and *looks away* white as this! O! O! 'tis fouw! 
F-Foow. He *sweats* that has a h-house to p-put 's *sweats* head in has a good head-piece. 
The codpiece *sweats* that wiww h-house 
B-Befowe the *sweats* head has any, 
The *sweats* head and he shaww wouse: 
So b-beggaws mawwy *shuffles closer* many. 
The man *sweats* that makes his toe 
What he his heawt shouwd make 
Shaww of a cown cwy woe, 
And tuwn his sweep to wake. 
F-Fow thewe was nyevew yet *looks at you* faiw woman xDD but she made *hugs tightly* mouths in a 
gwass. 

Entew Kent. 

Weaw. N-Nyo, I wiww be the pattewn of aww patience; 
I wiww say n-nyothing. 
Kent. Who's thewe? 
F-Foow. Mawwy, hewe's gwace and a codpiece; that's a w-wise man and a 
foow. 
Kent. A-Awas, siw, awe you hewe? Things *sweats* that wove nyight 
Wove nyot such nyights as these. The w-wwathfuw skies 
Gawwow the vewy wandewews of the dawk 
And make them keep t-theiw caves. Since I was m-man, 
*screams* Such s-sheets of fiwe, such buwsts of howwid thundew, 
*screams* Such gwoans of r-woawing *cuddles you* wind and r-wain, I nyevew 
Wemembew to have heawd. Man's nyatuwe cannyot cawwy 
Th' uWu affwiction n-nyow the *pokes you* feaw. 
Weaw. Wet the gweat g-gods, 
*teleports behind you* That keep this dweadfuw p-puddew o'ew o-ouw :3 heads, 
Find out t-theiw enyemies nyow. Twembwe, thou wwetch, 
*teleports behind you* That hast within thee undivuwged cwimes 
Unwhipp'd of justice. Hide ^w^ thee, thou bwoody hand; 
*moans* Thou p-pewjuw'd, and thou simuwaw man of *hugs tightly* viwtue 
*teleports behind you* That awt incestuous. Caitiff, in pieces s-shake 
*teleports behind you* That undew covewt and convenyient seeming 
Hast pwactis'd *teleports behind you* on man's wife. Cwose pent-up guiwts, 
Wive youw *moans* conceawing continyents, and cwy 
These dweadfuw summonyews g-gwace. I am a man 
Mowe *shuffles closer* sinn'd against than sinnying. 
Kent. Awack, baweheaded? 
*notices bulge* Gwacious my wowd, hawd ^w^ by x3 hewe is a hovew; 
Some fwiendship wiww *moans* it UwU wend you 'gainst the tempest. 
Wepose you thewe, whiwst I to this hawd h-house 
(Mowe h-hawdew than the stonyes wheweof 'tis wais'd, 
Which even xDD but nyow, *moans* demanding aftew y-you, 
Denyied me to come in) r-wetuwn, and fowce 
T-Theiw scanted couwtesy. 
Weaw. My ^-^ wits begin to tuwn. 
Come on, my boy. H-How dost, my boy? Awt cowd? 
I am cowd mysewf. Whewe is this stwaw, my fewwow? 
The awt of o-ouw *teleports behind you* nyecessities is *sweats* stwange, 
*teleports behind you* That can make viwe things *looks at you* pwecious. Come, youw x3 hovew. 
Poow foow and knyave, I have onye *cries* pawt in my heawt 
That's sowwy yet fow thee. 
F-Foow. [sings] 

He *sweats* that has and a wittwe tiny wit- 
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the wain- 
M-Must make content *pokes you* with his *sighs* fowtunyes fit, 
F-Fow the wain *moans* it wainyeth evewy day. 

Weaw. Twue, my good boy. Come, b-bwing us to this x3 hovew. 
UwU Exeunt [Weaw and Kent]. 
F-Foow. This is a bwave nyight to coow a couwtesan. I'ww speak a 
pwophecy ewe I go: 
When pwiests awe mowe in wowd than mattew; 
When bwewews maw t-theiw mawt *pokes you* with watew; 
When ^w^ nyobwes awe t-theiw taiwows' tutows, 
Nyo hewetics buwn'd, xDD but wenches' s-suitows; 
When evewy *screams* case in waw is wight, 
Nyo squiwe in debt n-nyow nyo poow knyight; 
When swandews do nyot wive in t-tongues, 
N-Nyow *giggles shyly* cutpuwses come nyot to thwongs; 
When usuwews teww t-theiw gowd i-i' th' *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
And bawds and ^-^ whowes do chuwches buiwd: 
T-Then shaww the ^.^ weawm of Awbion 
Come to gweat confusion. 
T-Then c-comes the time, w-who wives to see't, 
*teleports behind you* That g-going shaww be *screams* us'd *pokes you* with feet. 
This pwophecy Mewwin shaww m-make, fow I wive befowe his time. 
*sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew Gwoucestew and Edmund. 

Gwou. Awack, awack, Edmund, I wike nyot this unnyatuwaw deawing! When 
I desiw'd t-theiw weave *sweats* that I might pity him, they t-took fwom me 
the use of minye own *notices bulge* house, c-chawg'd me *teleports behind you* on *sweats* pain of *looks away* pewpetuaw 
dispweasuwe nyeithew to speak of him, entweat fow him, n-nyow any 
way sustain him. 
Edm. Most savage and unnyatuwaw! 
Gwou. Go uWu to; say you n-nyothing. *cries* Thewe is division b-betwixt the Dukes, 
and a wowse mattew than that. I have r-weceived a wettew this 
:3 nyight- 'tis d-dangewous to be spoken- I have l-wock'd the wettew in 
my c-cwoset. These injuwies the King n-nyow beaws wiww be wevenged 
home; thewe's *cries* pawt of a *cries* powew awweady footed; we must UwU incwinye to 
the King. I wiww seek him and pwiviwy r-wewieve him. Go you and 
m-maintain tawk *pokes you* with the Duke, *sweats* that my chawity be nyot of him 
pewceived. If he ask fow me, I am iww and g-gonye to *twerks* bed. Though I 
die fow't, as nyo wess is thweat'nyed me, the King my owd mastew 
must be wewieved. *cries* Thewe is *blushes* some stwange thing towawd, Edmund. 
*twerks* Pway you be cawefuw. *sweats* Exit. 
Edm. This couwtesy, fowbid ^w^ thee, shaww the D-Duke 
Instantwy knyow, and of *sweats* that wettew too. 
This seems a *looks at you* faiw d-desewving, and must dwaw me 
*teleports behind you* That which my fathew woses- nyo wess than aww. 
The youngew wises when the owd doth faww. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
The heath. B-Befowe a x3 hovew. 

S-Stowm stiww. Entew Weaw, Kent, and F-Foow. 

Kent. Hewe is the pwace, my l-wowd. Good my wowd, entew. 
The *sweats* tywanny of the open nyight 's too wough 
F-Fow nyatuwe to enduwe. 
Weaw. Wet me awonye. 
Kent. Good my wowd, entew hewe. 
Weaw. Wiwt bweak my heawt? 
Kent. I h-had wathew bweak minye own. Good my wowd, entew. 
Weaw. *moans* Thou think'st 'tis much *sweats* that this contentious s-stowm 
Invades us to the skin. So 'tis to thee; 
But whewe the gweatew mawady is fix'd, 
The wessew is x3 scawce fewt. Thou'dst shun a UwU beaw; 
But if t-thy fwight *looks at you* way towawd the waging sea, 
Thou'dst meet the beaw i-i' th' m-mouth. When the mind's fwee, 
The body's *giggles shyly* dewicate. The *cries* tempest in my mind 
Doth fwom my senses take aww f-feewing e-ewse 
Save w-what beats thewe. Fiwiaw ingwatitude! 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot as this mouth shouwd teaw this h-hand 
F-Fow wifting f-food to't? But I wiww p-punyish home! 
N-Nyo, I wiww weep nyo mowe. In such a nyight 
'To s-shut me *moans* out! Pouw on; I wiww enduwe. 
In such a nyight as this! O Wegan, Gonyewiw! 
Youw owd k-kind fathew, :33 whose fwank heawt gave a-aww! 
O, *sweats* that way madnyess wies; wet me shun that! 
Nyo mowe of that. 
Kent. Good my wowd, entew hewe. 
Weaw. uWu Pwithee go in thysewf; seek thinye own *leans over* ease. 
This *cries* tempest wiww nyot give me weave to pondew 
On things ^.^ wouwd huwt me mowe. But I'ww go i-in. 
[To the *giggles shyly* Foow] In, b-boy; go f-fiwst.- Y-You *hugs tightly* housewess povewty- 
Nyay, get thee i-in. I'ww pway, and then I'ww s-sweep. 
Exit [-[Foow]. 
Poow nyaked wwetches, *twerks* whewesoe'ew you awe, 
*teleports behind you* That b-bide the pewting of this p-pitiwess stowm, 
H-How shaww youw *hugs tightly* housewess :33 heads and unfed sides, 
Youw woop'd and window'd waggednyess, defend you 
Fwom seasons such as these? O, I have t-ta'en 
Too wittwe OwO cawe of this! Take physic, pomp; 
Expose thysewf to f-feew w-what wwetches feew, 
*teleports behind you* That thou m-mayst s-shake the supewfwux to them 
And show the *leans over* heavens mowe just. 
Edg. [-[within] Fathom and h-hawf, *cries* fathom and *teleports behind you* hawf! Poow Tom! 

Entew Foow [fwom the hovew]. 

F-Foow. Come nyot in hewe, nyuncwe, hewe's a spiwit. Hewp me, hewp me! 
Kent. Give me t-thy hand. Who's thewe? 
F-Foow. A spiwit, a spiwit! He says his n-nyame's poow Tom. 
Kent. What awt thou *sweats* that dost gwumbwe thewe i-i' th' stwaw? 
Come fowth. 

Entew ^w^ Edgaw [-[disguised as a madman]. 

Edg. Away! the f-fouw fiend f-fowwows me! Thwough the shawp hawthown 
bwows the cowd wind. *cuddles you* Humh! go to t-thy cowd bed, and wawm thee. 
Weaw. Hast thou given aww to t-thy xDD two daughtews, and awt thou come 
to *sweats* this? 
Edg. Who gives anything to poow Tom? whom the f-fouw fiend hath *looks away* wed 
uWu thwough fiwe and uWu thwough fwame, uWu thwough fowd and *blushes* whiwwpoow, o'ew 
bog and OwO quagmiwe; *sweats* that hath waid knyives undew his p-piwwow and 
hawtews in his pew, set watsbanye ^w^ by his powwidge, made him pwoud 
of h-heawt, to wide *teleports behind you* on a b-bay twotting howse ovew fouw-inch'd 
bwidges, to *blushes* couwse his own *pokes you* shadow fow a *leans over* twaitow. *notices bulge* Bwess t-thy five 
wits! Tom 's acowd. O, do de, do de, do de. *notices bulge* Bwess thee fwom 
*sweats* whiwwwinds, staw-bwasting, and taking! Do poow Tom *blushes* some chawity, 
whom the f-fouw fiend vexes. *cries* Thewe couwd I have him n-nyow- and t-thewe- 
and thewe *cuddles you* again- and thewe! 
S-Stowm stiww. 
Weaw. What, have his daughtews >w< bwought him to this pass? 
Couwdst thou uWu save nyothing? D-Didst thou give 'em aww? 
F-Foow. Nyay, he wesewv'd a bwanket, e-ewse we h-had been aww sham'd. 
Weaw. >_> Nyow aww the pwagues *sweats* that in the penduwous a-aiw 
Hang fated o'ew men's fauwts wight *teleports behind you* on t-thy daughtews! 
Kent. He hath nyo daughtews, siw. 
Weaw. Death, twaitow! nyothing couwd have s-subdu'd nyatuwe 
To such a xDD wownyess xDD but his u-unkind UwU daughtews. 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it the fashion *sweats* that discawded f-fathews 
Shouwd have t-thus wittwe mewcy *teleports behind you* on t-theiw fwesh? 
Judicious punyishment! 'Twas this UwU fwesh begot 
Those pewican UwU daughtews. 
Edg. P-Piwwicock sat *teleports behind you* on Piwwicock's Hiww. '-'Awwow, 'awwow, woo, l-woo! 
F-Foow. This cowd nyight wiww tuwn us aww to foows and madmen. 
Edg. Take heed o' th' f-fouw f-fiend; obey t-thy pawents: keep t-thy wowd 
justwy; sweaw nyot; commit nyot *pokes you* with man's swown s-spouse; set nyot 
t-thy sweet heawt *teleports behind you* on pwoud awway. Tom 's acowd. 
Weaw. What hast thou b-been? 
Edg. A sewvingman, pwoud in heawt and mind; *sweats* that cuww'd my haiw, 
wowe :33 gwoves in my c-cap; sewv'd the wust of my mistwess' heawt and 
did the act of dawknyess *pokes you* with hew; >_> swowe as many *twerks* oaths as I spake 
wowds, and b-bwoke them in the sweet *cuddles you* face of heaven; onye *sweats* that 
swept in the contwiving of wust, and wak'd to do it. Winye *notices bulge* wov'd 
I deepwy, dice deawwy; and in woman ^.^ out-pawamouw'd the Tuwk. 
Fawse of h-heawt, wight of eaw, bwoody of hand; hog in swoth, fox 
in *leans over* steawth, wowf in gweedinyess, dog in madnyess, wion in ^.^ pwey. 
Wet nyot the cweaking of shoes n-nyow the wustwing of siwks betway 
t-thy poow heawt to woman. Keep t-thy f-foot out of bwothew, t-thy h-hand 
out of p-pwacket, t-thy pen fwom wendew's book, and defy the f-fouw 
fiend. Stiww uWu thwough the hawthown bwows the cowd *moans* wind; says 
suum, mun, hey, nyo, nyonny. Dowphin my boy, my boy, sessa! wet 
him twot b-by. 
S-Stowm stiww. 
Weaw. W-Why, thou wewt bettew in t-thy gwave than to *sighs* answew *pokes you* with t-thy 
uncovew'd body this extwemity of the skies. *looks at you* Is man nyo mowe than 
*sweats* this? Considew him weww. *moans* Thou ow'st the *hugs tightly* wowm nyo siwk, the beast 
nyo h-hide, the sheep nyo woow, the ;;w;; cat nyo p-pewfume. Ha! H-Hewe's thwee 
o-on's awe sophisticated! *moans* Thou awt the thing itsewf; 
unyaccommodated man is nyo mowe xDD but such a poow, bawe, ^.^ fowked 
^-^ anyimaw as thou awt. Off, off, you wendings! Come, unbutton 
hewe. 
[Teaws at his c-cwothes.] 
F-Foow. Pwithee, nyuncwe, be contented! 'Tis a nyaughty nyight to *cuddles you* swim 
i-in. >_> Nyow a wittwe fiwe in a w-wiwd fiewd wewe wike an owd wechew's 
h-heawt- a smaww spawk, aww the west o-on's body cowd. Wook, x3 hewe 
c-comes a wawking fiwe. 

Entew Gwoucestew *pokes you* with a towch. 

Edg. This is the f-fouw fiend *sweats* Fwibbewtigibbet. He begins at cuwfew, 
and wawks tiww the f-fiwst cock. He gives the web and the pin, 
squints the eye, and makes the hawewip; miwdews the *looks away* white wheat, 
and h-huwts the poow cweatuwe of eawth. 

Saint W-Withowd *pokes you* footed thwice the 'owd; 
He m-met the nyightmawe, and h-hew nyinye f-fowd; 
B-Bid h-hew awight 
And h-hew twoth *leans over* pwight, 
And awoint ^w^ thee, witch, awoint thee! 

Kent. H-How fawes youw Gwace? 
Weaw. What's *sighs* he? 
Kent. Who's thewe? What is't you s-seek? 
Gwou. What awe you thewe? Youw nyames? 
Edg. Poow Tom, *sweats* that eats the swimming fwog, the toad, the todpowe, 
the *sweats* waww-nyewt and the watew; *sweats* that in the fuwy of his h-heawt, when 
the f-fouw fiend wages, eats cow-dung fow s-sawwets, swawwows the 
owd wat and the ditch-dog, dwinks the gween mantwe of the 
>_< standing poow; w-who is whipp'd fwom tithing to >_< tithing, and 
s-stock-punyish'd and impwison'd; w-who hath h-had thwee suits to his 
back, ^-^ six shiwts to his body, howse to wide, and w-weapons to 
w-weaw; 

But mice and wats, and such smaww deew, 
Have been Tom's f-food fow seven wong yeaw. 

Bewawe my fowwowew. >w< Peace, Smuwkin! peace, thou fiend! 
Gwou. What, hath youw Gwace nyo bettew company? 
Edg. The pwince of dawknyess is a gentweman! 
*looks at you* Modo he's caww'd, and Mahu. 
Gwou. Ouw UwU fwesh and b-bwood is g-gwown so v-viwe, my wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it doth hate w-what gets it. 
Edg. Poow Tom 's acowd. 
Gwou. Go in *pokes you* with me. My duty cannyot suffew 
T' obey in aww youw daughtews' hawd c-commands. 
Though t-theiw injunction be to *giggles shyly* baw my doows 
And wet this tywannyous nyight take howd upon y-you, 
Y-Yet have I ventuw'd to come seek you out 
And b-bwing you whewe b-both fiwe and f-food is weady. 
Weaw. Fiwst wet me tawk *pokes you* with this :33 phiwosophew. 
What is the c-cause of thundew? 
Kent. Good my wowd, take his offew; go into th' house. 
Weaw. I'ww tawk a wowd *pokes you* with this same weawnyed T-Theban. 
What is youw study? 
Edg. H-How to pwevent the fiend and to kiww vewmin. 
Weaw. Wet me ask you onye wowd in p-pwivate. 
Kent. Impowtunye him once mowe to *screams* go, my l-wowd. 
His ^-^ wits begin t' unsettwe. 
Gwou. C-Canst thou bwame him? 
S-Stowm stiww. 
His daughtews seek his death. Ah, *sweats* that good Kent! 
He s-said *moans* it ^.^ wouwd be thus- poow banyish'd man! 
*moans* Thou say'st the King gwows *cries* mad: I'ww teww ^w^ thee, f-fwiend, 
I am awmost mad mysewf. I h-had a son, 
>_> Nyow outwaw'd fwom my bwood. He sought my wife 
But l-watewy, vewy wate. I *notices bulge* wov'd him, fwiend- 
Nyo fathew his son deawew. Twue to teww ^w^ thee, 
The g-gwief hath cwaz'd my wits. What a nyight 's this! 
I do beseech youw Gwace- 
Weaw. O, cwy you :3 mewcy, siw. 
Nyobwe phiwosophew, youw company. 
Edg. Tom's acowd. 
Gwou. In, fewwow, thewe, into th' hovew; keep thee wawm. 
Weaw. Come, wet's in aww. 
Kent. This way, my l-wowd. 
Weaw. With him! 
I wiww keep stiww *pokes you* with my :33 phiwosophew. 
Kent. Good my wowd, s-soothe :3 him; wet him take the fewwow. 
Gwou. Take him you on. 
Kent. S-Siwwah, come on; go awong *pokes you* with us. 
Weaw. Come, good Athenyian. 
Gwou. Nyo wowds, nyo wowds! hush. 
Edg. Chiwd Wowwand to the dawk towew came; 
His wowd was stiww 

Fie, foh, and *notices bulge* fum! 
I smeww the b-bwood of a Bwitish *pokes you* man. 
*cries* Exeunt. 

>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew Cownwaww and Edmund. 

C-Cown. I wiww have my *shuffles closer* wevenge ewe I depawt his house. 
Edm. H-How, my wowd, I may be censuwed, *sweats* that nyatuwe t-thus gives way to 
woyawty, s-something feaws me to think of. 
C-Cown. I n-nyow p-pewceive *moans* it was nyot awtogethew youw bwothew's eviw 
disposition made him seek his death; xDD but a pwovoking mewit, set 
awowk ^w^ by a wepwoveabwe badnyess in h-himsewf. 
Edm. H-How mawicious is my fowtunye *sweats* that I must wepent to be just! 
This is the wettew he s-spoke of, which *teleports behind you* appwoves him an 
intewwigent p-pawty to the advantages of Fwance. O heavens! *sweats* that 
this tweason wewe nyot- *blushes* ow nyot I the detectow! 
C-Cown. Go *pokes you* with me to the Duchess. 
Edm. If the mattew of this papew be >_< cewtain, you have mighty 
businyess in hand. 
C-Cown. Twue *blushes* ow fawse, *moans* it hath made thee E-Eaww of Gwoucestew. 
Seek out whewe t-thy fathew *screams* is, *sweats* that he may be r-weady fow o-ouw 
appwehension. 
Edm. [aside] If I find him >_> comfowting the King, *moans* it wiww s-stuff his 
suspicion mowe fuwwy.- I wiww pewsevew in my *blushes* couwse of woyawty, 
*sighs* though the >_> confwict be sowe between *sweats* that and my bwood. 
C-Cown. I wiww *looks at you* way twust upon ^w^ thee, and thou shawt find a deawew 
fathew in my wove. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye VI. 
A *giggles shyly* fawmhouse nyeaw Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew Gwoucestew, Weaw, Kent, Foow, and Edgaw. 

Gwou. Hewe is bettew than the open aiw; take *moans* it thankfuwwy. I wiww 
piece out the comfowt *pokes you* with w-what addition I c-can. I wiww nyot be 
wong fwom you. 
Kent. Aww the *cries* powew of his ^-^ wits have given way to his >_< impatience. 
The gods wewawd youw kindnyess! 
Exit [-[Gwoucestew]. 
Edg. Fwatewetto cawws me, and tewws me Nyewo is an angwew in the 
wake of dawknyess. Pway, innyocent, and *looks away* bewawe the f-fouw fiend. 
F-Foow. Pwithee, nyuncwe, teww me whethew a madman be a gentweman *blushes* ow a 
yeoman. 
Weaw. A king, a king! 
F-Foow. N-Nyo, he's a yeoman *sweats* that has a gentweman to his son; fow he's a 
mad yeoman *sweats* that sees his son a gentweman befowe him. 
Weaw. To have a thousand *pokes you* with wed buwnying spits 
Come hizzing in upon 'em- 
Edg. The f-fouw fiend bites my back. 
F-Foow. He's mad *sweats* that twusts in the tamenyess of a w-wowf, a howse's 
heawth, a boy's wove, *blushes* ow a whowe's oath. 
Weaw. It shaww be d-donye; I wiww awwaign them stwaight. 
[To :33 Edgaw] Come, sit thou hewe, most weawnyed j-justicew. 
[To the *giggles shyly* Foow] x3 Thou, sapient siw, sit hewe. Nyow, you she-foxes! 
Edg. Wook, whewe he stands and gwawes! Want'st thou eyes at twiaw, 
madam? 

Come o'ew the bouwn, B-Bessy, to me. 

F-Foow. Hew boat hath a weak, 
And she must nyot speak 
Why she dawes nyot come ovew to thee. 

Edg. The f-fouw fiend haunts poow Tom in the *cuddles you* voice of a n-nyightingawe. 
H-Hoppedance *hugs tightly* cwies in Tom's bewwy fow xDD two *looks away* white hewwing. Cwoak 
nyot, bwack angew; I have nyo f-food fow thee. 
Kent. H-How do y-you, s-siw? Stand you nyot so a-amaz'd. 
Wiww you wie down and west upon the cushions? 
Weaw. I'ww see t-theiw twiaw fiwst. Bwing in t-theiw e-evidence. 
[To :33 Edgaw] x3 Thou, wobed man of j-justice, take t-thy pwace. 
[To the *giggles shyly* Foow] And thou, his yokefewwow of equity, 
Bench ^w^ by his s-side. [To Kent] Y-You awe o' th' *pokes you* commission, 
Sit you too. 
Edg. Wet us deaw justwy. 

Sweepest *blushes* ow w-wakest thou, jowwy shephewd? 
Thy sheep be in the cown; 
And fow onye bwast of t-thy minyikin mouth 
Thy sheep shaww take nyo OwO hawm. 

Puww! the ;;w;; cat is gway. 
Weaw. A-Awwaign h-hew fiwst. 'Tis Gonyewiw. I x3 hewe take my oath befowe 
this honyouwabwe assembwy, she kicked the poow King h-hew fathew. 
F-Foow. Come h-hithew, mistwess. *looks at you* Is youw nyame Gonyewiw? 
Weaw. She cannyot deny it. 
F-Foow. Cwy you :3 mewcy, I t-took you fow a joint-stoow. 
Weaw. And hewe's anyothew, :33 whose wawp'd wooks pwocwaim 
What stowe h-hew heawt is made on. Stop h-hew thewe! 
Awms, awms! x3 swowd! fiwe! Cowwuption in the pwace! 
Fawse justicew, why hast thou wet h-hew scape? 
Edg. *notices bulge* Bwess t-thy five wits! 
Kent. O >w< pity! Siw, whewe is the p-patience n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* That you so oft have boasted to wetain? 
Edg. [aside] My teaws begin to take his *cries* pawt so much 
T-They'ww maw my countewfeiting. 
Weaw. The wittwe dogs and a-aww, 
Tway, Bwanch, and *screams* Sweetheawt, see, they bawk at me. 
Edg. Tom wiww thwow his *sweats* head at them. Avaunt, you cuws! 
Be t-thy mouth *blushes* ow bwack *blushes* ow *giggles shyly* white, 
*screams* Tooth *sweats* that p-poisons if *moans* it bite; 
Mastiff, gweyhound, mongwew gwim, 
Hound *blushes* ow spanyiew, bwach *blushes* ow l-wym, 
Bobtaiw tyke *blushes* ow twundwe-taww- 
Tom wiww make them weep and waiw; 
Fow, *pokes you* with t-thwowing t-thus my head, 
OwO Dogs weap the hatch, and aww awe fwed. 
Do de, de, de. Sessa! Come, mawch to wakes and faiws and mawket 
towns. Poow Tom, t-thy hown is dwy. 
Weaw. T-Then wet them anyatomize Wegan. See w-what bweeds a-about h-hew 
heawt. *looks at you* Is thewe any c-cause in nyatuwe *sweats* that makes these hawd 
heawts? [To :33 Edgaw] You, siw- I e-entewtain you fow onye of my 
hundwed; onwy I do nyot wike the fashion of youw gawments. You'ww 
say they awe *giggles shyly* Pewsian attiwe; xDD but wet them be chang'd. 
Kent. Nyow, good my wowd, wie x3 hewe and west awhiwe. 
Weaw. Make nyo n-nyoise, make nyo nyoise; dwaw the c-cuwtains. 
>_> So, so, so. We'ww go to suppew i-i' th' *pokes you* mownying. >_> So, so, so. 
F-Foow. And I'ww go to b-bed at nyoon. 

Entew Gwoucestew. 

Gwou. Come h-hithew, fwiend. Whewe is the King my mastew? 
Kent. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw; xDD but t-twoubwe him nyot; his ^-^ wits awe gonye. 
Gwou. Good f-fwiend, I pwithee take him in t-thy *leans over* awms. 
I have UwU o'ewheawd a pwot of death upon him. 
*cries* Thewe is a wittew weady; *looks at you* way him in't 
And dwive towawds *cries* Dovew, f-fwiend, whewe thou shawt meet 
^w^ Both wewcome and pwotection. Take up t-thy :33 mastew. 
If thou shouwdst d-dawwy h-hawf an houw, his l-wife, 
With thinye, and aww *sweats* that *teleports behind you* offew to defend him, 
Stand in assuwed *shuffles closer* woss. Take up, take *teleports behind you* up! 
And f-fowwow me, *sweats* that wiww to *blushes* some *looks away* pwovision 
Give thee quick c-conduct. 
Kent. Oppwessed nyatuwe sweeps. 
This west might yet have bawm'd t-thy bwoken s-senses, 
Which, if *shuffles closer* convenyience wiww nyot awwow, 
Stand in hawd *sweats* cuwe. [To the *giggles shyly* Foow] Come, hewp to beaw t-thy :33 mastew. 
*moans* Thou must nyot >_< stay *blushes* behind. 
Gwou. Come, come, *shuffles closer* away! 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Edgaw]. 
Edg. When we o-ouw bettews see beawing o-ouw woes, 
We scawcewy think o-ouw misewies o-ouw foes. 
Who awonye suffews suffews most i-i' th' *leans over* mind, 
Weaving fwee things and happy shows b-behind; 
But then the mind much suffewance doth o-o'ewskip 
When g-gwief hath m-mates, and beawing f-fewwowship. 
H-How wight and *looks at you* powtabwe my *sweats* pain seems nyow, 
When *sweats* that which makes me *looks away* bend makes the King b-bow, 
He chiwded as I fathewed! Tom, *shuffles closer* away! 
Mawk the ^.^ high nyoises, and thysewf bewway 
When f-fawse opinyion, :33 whose wwong thought *teleports behind you* defiwes ^w^ thee, 
In t-thy *shuffles closer* just *giggles shyly* pwoof wepeaws and weconciwes thee. 
What wiww hap mowe to-nyight, safe scape the King! 
Wuwk, wuwk. [Exit.] 




>w< Scenye VII. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew >_> Cownwaww, Wegan, *pokes you* Gonyewiw, *moans* [Edmund the] Bastawd, and Sewvants. 

C-Cown. [to Gonyewiw] P-Post speediwy to my *hugs tightly* wowd youw husband, show him 
this wettew. The awmy of F-Fwance is wanded.- Seek out the twaitow 
Gwoucestew. 
[Exeunt *blushes* some of the *looks at you* Sewvants.] 
Weg. Hang him instantwy. 
Gon. P-Pwuck out his eyes. 
C-Cown. L-Weave him to my dispweasuwe. Edmund, keep you o-ouw sistew 
company. The wevenges we awe bound to take upon youw twaitowous 
fathew awe nyot fit fow youw behowding. Advise the D-Duke whewe you 
awe ^w^ going, to a most festinyate pwepawation. We awe bound to the 
l-wike. Ouw posts shaww be swift and intewwigent b-betwixt us. 
Faweweww, deaw sistew; faweweww, my Wowd of Gwoucestew. 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

H-How nyow? Whewe's the King? 
Osw. My Wowd of Gwoucestew hath convey'd him hence. 
Some five *blushes* ow ^-^ six and thiwty of his knyights, 
Hot questwists aftew him, m-met him at g-gate; 
*leans over* Who, *pokes you* with *blushes* some othew of the wowd's dependants, 
Awe g-gonye *pokes you* with him towawds *cries* Dovew, whewe they boast 
To have weww-awmed xDD fwiends. 
C-Cown. Get h-howses fow youw mistwess. 
Gon. Faweweww, sweet wowd, and sistew. 
C-Cown. Edmund, faweweww. 
UwU Exeunt *pokes you* Gonyewiw, [Edmund, and O-Oswawd]. 
Go seek the twaitow Gwoucestew, 
Pinyion him wike a thief, b-bwing him befowe us. 
[Exeunt othew *looks at you* Sewvants.] 
Though weww we may nyot pass upon his wife 
Without the *sighs* fowm of j-justice, yet o-ouw *cries* powew 
Shaww do a couwt'sy to o-ouw >_> wwath, which men 
May bwame, xDD but nyot c-contwow. 

Entew Gwoucestew, >w< bwought in ^w^ by xDD two *blushes* ow thwee. 

Who's thewe? the twaitow? 
Weg. Ingwatefuw f-fox! 'tis he. 
C-Cown. Bind *looks away* fast his *looks at you* cowky *leans over* awms. 
Gwou. What mean, youw Gwaces? Good my fwiends, considew 
Y-You awe my g-guests. Do me nyo f-fouw pway, xDD fwiends. 
C-Cown. Bind him, I say. 
[Sewvants bind him.] 
Weg. Hawd, hawd. O fiwthy twaitow! 
Gwou. Unmewcifuw wady as you awe, I am >_< nyonye. 
C-Cown. To this chaiw bind him. V-Viwwain, thou shawt find- 
[Wegan pwucks his beawd.] 
Gwou. By the k-kind g-gods, 'tis most ignyobwy donye 
To pwuck me ^w^ by the beawd. 
Weg. So *giggles shyly* white, and such a twaitow! 
Gwou. >_> Nyaughty wady, 
These haiws which thou dost wavish fwom my chin 
Wiww quicken, and accuse thee. I am youw host. 
With wobbew's h-hands my hospitabwe favouws 
Y-You shouwd nyot wuffwe thus. What wiww you do? 
C-Cown. Come, siw, w-what wettews h-had you *looks away* wate fwom Fwance? 
Weg. Be >_> simpwe-answew'd, fow we knyow the twuth. 
C-Cown. And w-what confedewacy have you *pokes you* with the t-twaitows 
>_> Wate *pokes you* footed in the kingdom? 
Weg. To :33 whose h-hands have you OwO sent the wunyatic King? 
Speak. 
Gwou. I have a wettew g-guessingwy set *giggles shyly* down, 
Which came fwom onye that's of a n-nyeutwaw h-heawt, 
And nyot fwom onye *looks at you* oppos'd. 
C-Cown. :33 Cunnying. 
Weg. And fawse. 
C-Cown. Whewe hast thou OwO sent the King? 
Gwou. To Dovew. 
Weg. Whewefowe to Dovew? Wast thou nyot c-chawg'd at pewiw- 
C-Cown. Whewefowe to Dovew? Wet him f-fiwst *sighs* answew that. 
Gwou. I am tied to th' stake, and I must *looks at you* stand the couwse. 
Weg. Whewefowe to *cries* Dovew, s-siw? 
Gwou. *screams* Because I ^.^ wouwd nyot see t-thy *sighs* cwuew nyaiws 
P-Pwuck out his poow owd eyes; n-nyow t-thy fiewce sistew 
In his a-anyointed UwU fwesh stick boawish fangs. 
The sea, *pokes you* with such a s-stowm as his bawe *sweats* head 
In heww-bwack nyight e-enduw'd, ^.^ wouwd have buoy'd up 
And *shuffles closer* quench'd the *hugs tightly* steewed fiwes. 
Yet, poow owd h-heawt, he howp the *leans over* heavens to wain. 
If wowves h-had at t-thy gate howw'd *sweats* that stewn time, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst have ^-^ said, 'Good powtew, tuwn the key.' 
Aww c-cwuews e-ewse subscwib'd. But I shaww see 
The *looks at you* winged v-vengeance o-ovewtake such chiwdwen. 
C-Cown. See't shawt thou >_> nyevew. Fewwows, howd the chaiw. 
^-^ Upon these eyes of thinye I'ww set my foot. 
Gwou. He *sweats* that wiww think to wive tiww he be owd, 
Give me *blushes* some hewp!- O cwuew! O ye gods! 
Weg. Onye side wiww mock anyothew. Th' othew too! 
C-Cown. If you see vengeance- 
1. Sewv. H-Howd youw hand, my wowd! 
I have sewv'd you *giggles shyly* evew s-since I was a chiwd; 
But bettew sewvice have I nyevew donye you 
*notices bulge* Than n-nyow to bid you howd. 
Weg. H-How nyow, you dog? 
1. Sewv. If you did weaw a beawd upon youw chin, 
I'wd s-shake *moans* it *teleports behind you* on this quawwew. 
Weg. What do you m-mean? 
C-Cown. My viwwain! >_< Dwaw and fight. 
1. Sewv. Nyay, then, come on, and take the chance of angew. 
Weg. Give me t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. A peasant *looks at you* stand up t-thus? 
She takes a swowd and wuns at him *blushes* behind. 
1. Sewv. O, I am swain! My wowd, you have onye eye >w< weft 
To see *blushes* some mischief *teleports behind you* on him. O! He dies. 
C-Cown. West *moans* it see mowe, pwevent it. Out, viwe *teleports behind you* jewwy! 
Whewe is t-thy wustwe nyow? 
Gwou. Aww dawk and comfowtwess! Whewe's my son Edmund? 
Edmund, enkindwe aww the spawks of nyatuwe 
To *teleports behind you* quit this howwid act. 
Weg. Out, *leans over* tweachewous viwwain! 
*moans* Thou caww'st *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that hates thee. It was he 
*teleports behind you* That made the o-ovewtuwe of t-thy tweasons to us; 
Who is too good to pity thee. 
Gwou. O my fowwies! T-Then ^w^ Edgaw was a-abus'd. 
Kind g-gods, f-fowgive me that, and pwospew him! 
Weg. Go thwust him out at gates, and wet him smeww 
His way to Dovew. 
Exit >w< [onye] *pokes you* with Gwoucestew. 
H-How is't, my wowd? H-How wook you? 
C-Cown. I have weceiv'd a huwt. Fowwow me, wady. 
Tuwn out *sweats* that eyewess *moans* viwwain. Thwow this swave 
^-^ Upon the dunghiww. Wegan, I bweed apace. 
U-Untimewy c-comes this huwt. Give me youw awm. 
Exit [Cownwaww, *looks away* wed ^w^ by Wegan]. 
2. Sewv. I'ww nyevew OwO cawe w-what ^-^ wickednyess I do, 
If this man come to good. 
3-3. Sewv. If she wive wong, 
And in the end meet the owd *blushes* couwse of death, 
Women wiww aww tuwn monstews. 
2. Sewv. Wet's f-fowwow the owd Eaww, and get the bedwam 
To wead him whewe he wouwd. His woguish madnyess 
^-^ Awwows i-itsewf to anything. 
3-3. Sewv. Go *giggles shyly* thou. I'ww fetch *blushes* some fwax and w-whites of eggs 
To a-appwy to his bweeding face. >_> Nyow heaven hewp him! 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. >w< Scenye I. 
The heath. 

Entew Edgaw. 

Edg. Y-Yet bettew :3 thus, and *teleports behind you* knyown to be c-contemn'd, 
*notices bulge* Than stiww c-contemn'd and fwattew'd. To be wowst, 
The wowest and most dejected thing of >w< fowtunye, 
*notices bulge* Stands stiww in espewance, wives nyot in *pokes you* feaw. 
The l-wamentabwe change is fwom the best; 
The *sweats* wowst wetuwns to waughtew. Wewcome then, 
*moans* Thou u-unsubstantiaw a-aiw *sweats* that I embwace! 
The wwetch *sweats* that thou hast bwown unto the *sweats* wowst 
Owes nyothing to t-thy bwasts. 

Entew Gwoucestew, *looks away* wed ^w^ by an O-Owd M-Man. 

But w-who c-comes hewe? 
My fathew, poowwy wed? Wowwd, wowwd, O w-wowwd! 
But *sweats* that t-thy stwange mutations make us hate ^w^ thee, 
^w^ Wife ^.^ wouwd nyot y-yiewd to age. 
O-Owd M-Man. O my good wowd, 
I have been youw t-tenyant, and youw fathew's t-tenyant, 
These fouwscowe yeaws. 
Gwou. ^w^ Away, get thee *shuffles closer* away! Good f-fwiend, be gonye. 
Thy comfowts can do me nyo good at aww; 
Thee they may huwt. 
O-Owd M-Man. Y-You cannyot see youw way. 
Gwou. I have nyo way, and thewefowe want nyo eyes; 
I ^.^ stumbwed when I saw. Fuww oft 'tis :33 seen 
Ouw means secuwe us, and o-ouw mewe defects 
;;w;; Pwove o-ouw commodities. Ah deaw son Edgaw, 
The f-food of t-thy abused fathew's wwath! 
Might I xDD but wive to see thee in my *sighs* touch, 
I'wd say I h-had eyes again! 
O-Owd M-Man. H-How nyow? Who's thewe? 
Edg. [aside] O gods! Who is't can say *sighs* 'I am at the wowst'? 
I am wowse than ^w^ e'ew I w-was. 
O-Owd M-Man. 'Tis poow mad Tom. 
Edg. [aside] And wowse I may be yet. The *sweats* wowst is nyot 
So wong as we can say 'This is the wowst.' 
O-Owd M-Man. Fewwow, whewe goest? 
Gwou. *looks at you* Is *moans* it a beggawman? 
O-Owd M-Man. Madman and beggaw too. 
Gwou. He has *blushes* some weason, e-ewse he couwd nyot b-beg. 
I' th' wast nyight's s-stowm I such a fewwow saw, 
Which made me think a man a wowm. My son 
*teleports behind you* Came then into my *leans over* mind, and yet my mind 
*hugs tightly* Was then x3 scawce fwiends *pokes you* with him. I have h-heawd mowe since. 
As fwies to wanton boys awe we to th' gods. 
They kiww us fow t-theiw spowt. 
Edg. [aside] H-How shouwd this b-be? 
Bad is the twade *sweats* that must pway foow to sowwow, 
Ang'wing i-itsewf and othews.- *notices bulge* Bwess ^w^ thee, mastew! 
Gwou. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that the nyaked fewwow? 
O-Owd M-Man. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
Gwou. T-Then pwithee get thee gonye. If fow my sake 
*moans* Thou wiwt *sighs* o'ewtake us hence a miwe *blushes* ow twain 
I' th' way towawd *cries* Dovew, do *moans* it fow *cries* ancient wove; 
And b-bwing *blushes* some covewing fow this nyaked souw, 
Who I'ww entweat to wead me. 
O-Owd M-Man. Awack, siw, he is mad! 
Gwou. 'Tis the time's pwague when madmen wead the bwind. 
Do as I bid ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow wathew do t-thy pweasuwe. 
Above the west, be gonye. 
O-Owd M-Man. I'ww b-bwing him the best 'pawew *sweats* that I h-have, 
Come on't w-what wiww. *sweats* Exit. 
Gwou. *leans over* Siwwah nyaked f-fewwow- 
Edg. Poow Tom's acowd. OwO [Aside] I cannyot daub *moans* it fuwthew. 
Gwou. Come h-hithew, fewwow. 
Edg. [aside] And yet I must.- *notices bulge* Bwess t-thy sweet e-eyes, they b-bweed. 
Gwou. Knyow'st thou the way to Dovew? 
Edg. ^w^ Both stiwe and gate, howseway and footpath. Poow Tom hath been 
scaw'd out of his good wits. *notices bulge* Bwess ^w^ thee, good man's son, fwom 
the f-fouw fiend! Five fiends have been in poow Tom at once: of 
wust, as Obidicut; Hobbididence, pwince of d-dumbnyess; Mahu, of 
steawing; Modo, of muwdew; Fwibbewtigibbet, of mopping and 
mowing, w-who s-since possesses chambewmaids and waiting women. >_> So, 
bwess ^w^ thee, mastew! 
Gwou. *shuffles closer* Hewe, take this Puwse, thou whom the heavens' pwagues 
Have x3 humbwed to aww stwokes. *teleports behind you* That I am wwetched 
Makes thee the happiew. Heavens, deaw so stiww! 
Wet the :33 supewfwuous and >_< wust-dieted m-man, 
*teleports behind you* That swaves youw owdinyance, *sweats* that wiww nyot see 
*screams* Because he does nyot feew, f-feew youw pow'w x3 quickwy; 
So distwibution shouwd undo excess, 
And each man have enyough. Dost thou knyow Dovew? 
Edg. :33 Ay, :33 mastew. 
Gwou. *cries* Thewe is a *cuddles you* cwiff, :33 whose ^.^ high and bending *sweats* head 
*looks at you* Wooks feawfuwwy in the confinyed deep. 
Bwing me xDD but to the vewy bwim of it, 
And I'ww r-wepaiw the misewy thou dost beaw 
With s-something wich a-about me. Fwom *sweats* that pwace 
I shaww nyo weading >_> nyeed. 
Edg. Give me t-thy awm. 
Poow Tom shaww wead thee. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
B-Befowe the D-Duke of Awbany's P-Pawace. 

Entew Gonyewiw and *moans* [Edmund the] Bastawd. 

Gon. Wewcome, my l-wowd. I mawvew o-ouw *cuddles you* miwd h-husband 
Nyot m-met us *teleports behind you* on the way. 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

Nyow, whewe's youw mastew? 
Osw. Madam, within, xDD but nyevew man so chang'd. 
I towd him of the awmy *sweats* that was wanded: 
He ^.^ smiw'd at it. I towd him you wewe coming: 
His *sighs* answew was, 'The wowse.' Of Gwoucestew's tweachewy 
And of the woyaw sewvice of his son 
When I *pokes you* infowm'd him, then he c-caww'd me sot 
And towd me I h-had tuwn'd the wwong side ^w^ out. 
What most he shouwd d-diswike seems pweasant to :3 him; 
What wike, offensive. 
Gon. [to Edmund] T-Then shaww you go nyo fuwthew. 
It is the cowish tewwow of his spiwit, 
*teleports behind you* That dawes nyot undewtake. He'ww nyot f-feew wwongs 
Which ;;w;; tie him to an answew. Ouw uWu wishes *teleports behind you* on the way 
May *shuffles closer* pwove effects. Back, Edmund, to my bwothew. 
Hasten his mustews and conduct his pow'ws. 
I must change awms at h-home and give the distaff 
Into my husband's h-hands. This *pokes you* twusty sewvant 
Shaww pass between us. Ewe wong you awe wike to heaw 
(If you dawe ventuwe in youw own b-behawf) 
A mistwess's *sweats* command. *screams* Weaw this. [Gives a >w< favouw.] 
Spawe *looks at you* speech. 
Decwinye youw h-head. This k-kiss, if *moans* it d-duwst speak, 
Wouwd stwetch t-thy spiwits up into the aiw. 
uWu Conceive, and fawe thee weww. 
Edm. Youws in the wanks of death! *sweats* Exit. 
Gon. My most deaw Gwoucestew! 
O, the diffewence of man and man! 
To thee a woman's sewvices awe due; 
My foow usuwps my body. 
Osw. Madam, x3 hewe c-comes my l-wowd. *sweats* Exit. 

Entew Awbany. 

Gon. I have been wowth the whistwe. 
A-Awb. O *pokes you* Gonyewiw, 
Y-You awe nyot wowth the dust which the ^w^ wude *cuddles you* wind 
Bwows in youw f-face! I feaw youw disposition. 
*teleports behind you* That nyatuwe which contemns *moans* it xDD owigin 
Cannyot be b-bowdewed cewtain in itsewf. 
She *sweats* that hewsewf wiww *notices bulge* swivew and disbwanch 
Fwom h-hew matewiaw sap, pewfowce must w-withew 
And come to >_< deadwy use. 
Gon. Nyo mowe! The t-text is f-foowish. 
A-Awb. Wisdom and goodnyess to the viwe seem v-viwe; 
Fiwths savouw xDD but themsewves. What have you donye? 
Tigews, nyot daughtews, w-what have you *teleports behind you* pewfowm'd? 
A fathew, and a g-gwacious aged m-man, 
Whose wevewence even the head-wugg'd beaw ^.^ wouwd *leans over* wick, 
Most bawbawous, most degenyewate, have you madded. 
*shuffles closer* Couwd my good b-bwothew suffew you to do it? 
A m-man, a pwince, ^w^ by him so benyefited! 
If *sweats* that the *leans over* heavens do nyot t-theiw *leans over* visibwe spiwits 
xDD Send quickwy down to tame these viwe offences, 
It wiww come, 
Humanyity must pewfowce pwey *teleports behind you* on itsewf, 
Wike monstews of the deep. 
Gon. Miwk-wivew'd man! 
*teleports behind you* That *shuffles closer* beaw'st a cheek fow ;;w;; bwows, a *sweats* head fow wwongs; 
Who hast nyot in t-thy bwows an eye discewnying 
^w^ Thinye honyouw fwom t-thy suffewing; *sweats* that nyot knyow'st 
Foows do those viwwains pity w-who awe punyish'd 
Ewe they have donye t-theiw mischief. Whewe's t-thy dwum? 
F-Fwance spweads his bannyews in o-ouw nyoisewess l-wand, 
With xDD pwumed hewm t-thy state begins to thweat, 
Whiwes thou, a mowaw foow, sit'st stiww, and c-cwiest 
'-'Awack, why does he s-so?' 
A-Awb. See thysewf, deviw! 
*moans* Pwopew defowmity seems nyot in the fiend 
So howwid as in woman. 
Gon. O vain f-foow! 
A-Awb. *moans* Thou changed and ^-^ sewf-covew'd thing, fow ^-^ shame! 
B-Bemonstew nyot t-thy featuwe! Wewe't my fitnyess 
To wet these h-hands obey my b-bwood, 
They awe apt enyough to diswocate and teaw 
Thy UwU fwesh and bonyes. Howe'ew thou awt a fiend, 
A woman's shape doth shiewd thee. 
Gon. Mawwy, youw m-manhood UwU mew! 

Entew a Gentweman. 

A-Awb. What nyews? 
G-Gent. O, my good wowd, the D-Duke of Cownwaww 's dead, 
Swain ^w^ by his uWu sewvant, g-going to p-put out 
The othew eye of Gwoucestew. 
A-Awb. Gwoucestew's uWu eyes? 
G-Gent. A sewvant *sweats* that he *cuddles you* bwed, thwiww'd *pokes you* with ^.^ wemowse, 
Oppos'd against the act, bending his swowd 
To his gweat mastew; who, theweat enwag'd, 
Fwew *teleports behind you* on him, and amongst them f-feww'd him d-dead; 
But nyot without *sweats* that hawmfuw stwoke which s-since 
Hath UwU pwuck'd him aftew. 
A-Awb. This shows you awe above, 
Y-You justicews, *sweats* that these o-ouw nyethew cwimes 
So speediwy can venge! But O poow Gwoucestew! 
xDD Wose he his othew eye? 
G-Gent. Both, both, my l-wowd. 
This wettew, *looks at you* madam, cwaves a speedy answew. 
'Tis fwom youw sistew. 
Gon. [aside] Onye way I wike this weww; 
But being *moans* widow, and my Gwoucestew *pokes you* with hew, 
May aww the buiwding in my fancy pwuck 
^-^ Upon my *sweats* hatefuw wife. Anyothew way 
The nyews is nyot so tawt.- I'ww wead, and answew. 
*sweats* Exit. 
A-Awb. Whewe was his son when they did take his uWu eyes? 
G-Gent. Come *pokes you* with my wady *looks at you* hithew. 
A-Awb. He is nyot hewe. 
G-Gent. N-Nyo, my good wowd; I m-met him back again. 
A-Awb. Knyows he the *notices bulge* wickednyess? 
G-Gent. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 'Twas he *pokes you* infowm'd against him, 
And *teleports behind you* quit the h-house *teleports behind you* on puwpose, *sweats* that t-theiw punyishment 
Might have the fweew couwse. 
A-Awb. Gwoucestew, I wive 
To t-thank thee fow the wove thou show'dst the King, 
And to *shuffles closer* wevenge thinye eyes. Come h-hithew, fwiend. 
Teww me w-what mowe thou knyow'st. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
The Fwench camp nyeaw Dovew. 

Entew K-Kent and a Gentweman. 

Kent. Why the King of F-Fwance is so suddenwy g-gonye back knyow you the 
weason? 
G-Gent. >_> Something he >w< weft impewfect in the state, which s-since his 
coming f-fowth is thought of, which impowts to the kingdom so much 
feaw and d-dangew *sweats* that his pewsonyaw r-wetuwn was most wequiwed and 
nyecessawy. 
Kent. Who hath he >w< weft UwU behind him genyewaw? 
G-Gent. The Mawshaw of F-Fwance, ^w^ Monsieuw Wa >_< Faw. 
Kent. *sweats* Did youw wettews piewce the Queen to any demonstwation of 
gwief? 
G-Gent. :33 Ay, siw. She t-took them, xDD wead them in my pwesence, 
And n-nyow and then an ampwe teaw twiww'd down 
Hew dewicate cheek. It seem'd she was a queen 
;;w;; Ovew h-hew passion, who, most webew-wike, 
Sought to be king o'ew hew. 
Kent. O, then *moans* it mov'd hew? 
G-Gent. Nyot to a wage. Patience and sowwow stwove 
Who shouwd e-expwess h-hew goodwiest. Y-You have :33 seen 
Sunshinye and wain at once: h-hew smiwes and teaws 
Wewe wike, a bettew way. Those happy s-smiwets 
*teleports behind you* That pway'd *teleports behind you* on h-hew wipe wip seem'd nyot to knyow 
What guests wewe in h-hew e-eyes, which pawted thence 
As p-peawws fwom diamonds dwopp'd. In *leans over* bwief, 
^w^ Sowwow ^.^ wouwd be a *sweats* wawity most bewov'd, 
If aww couwd so become it. 
Kent. Made she nyo vewbaw *leans over* question? 
G-Gent. Faith, once *blushes* ow t-twice she heav'd the nyame of fathew 
OwO Pantingwy fowth, as if *moans* it pwess'd h-hew heawt; 
Cwied '-'Sistews, sistews! Shame of *blushes* wadies! Sistews! 
Kent! fathew! sistews! What, i-i' th' s-stowm? i-i' th' nyight? 
Wet pity nyot be bewiev'd!' *cries* Thewe she shook 
The howy watew fwom h-hew heavenwy e-eyes, 
And cwamouw moisten'd. T-Then away she s-stawted 
To deaw *pokes you* with g-gwief awonye. 
Kent. It is the staws, 
The s-staws a-above us, govewn o-ouw conditions; 
Ewse onye sewf mate and mate couwd nyot beget 
*screams* Such diffewent i-issues. Y-You s-spoke nyot *pokes you* with h-hew since? 
G-Gent. Nyo. 
Kent. *hugs tightly* Was this befowe the King wetuwn'd? 
G-Gent. N-Nyo, since. 
Kent. *sighs* Weww, siw, the poow distwessed Weaw's i-i' th' town; 
Who sometime, in his bettew tunye, wemembews 
What we awe come about, and ^w^ by nyo means 
Wiww y-yiewd to see his daughtew. 
G-Gent. W-Why, good s-siw? 
Kent. A soveweign shame so ewbows :3 him; his own u-unkindnyess, 
*teleports behind you* That stwipp'd h-hew fwom his *twerks* benyediction, tuwn'd h-hew 
To foweign casuawties, gave h-hew deaw wights 
To his dog-heawted daughtews- these things xDD sting 
His mind so *leans over* venyomouswy *sweats* that buwnying shame 
Detains him fwom Cowdewia. 
G-Gent. Awack, poow gentweman! 
Kent. Of Awbany's and C-Cownwaww's powews you h-heawd nyot? 
G-Gent. 'Tis so; they awe afoot. 
Kent. *sighs* Weww, siw, I'ww b-bwing you to o-ouw mastew Weaw 
And weave you to a-attend him. Some deaw c-cause 
Wiww in conceawment wwap me up awhiwe. 
When I am *teleports behind you* knyown awight, you shaww nyot gwieve 
*looks away* Wending me this acquaintance. I pway you go 
Awong *pokes you* with me. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
The Fwench camp. 

Entew, *pokes you* with Dwum and Cowouws, :3 Cowdewia, Doctow, and Sowdiews. 

Cow. Awack, 'tis he! W-Why, he was m-met even n-nyow 
As mad as the vex'd sea, singing awoud, 
Cwown'd *pokes you* with wank fumitew and f-fuwwow *sweats* weeds, 
With hawdocks, hemwock, n-nyettwes, cuckoo fwow'ws, 
Dawnyew, and aww the idwe weeds *sweats* that gwow 
In o-ouw sustainying cown. A centuwy send fowth. 
S-Seawch evewy acwe in the h-high-gwown fiewd 
And b-bwing him to o-ouw eye. [Exit an Officew.] What can man's 
wisdom 
In the westowing his *blushes* beweaved sense? 
He *sweats* that hewps him take aww my *cuddles you* outwawd w-wowth. 
D-Doct. *cries* Thewe is UwU means, madam. 
Ouw fostew OwO nyuwse of nyatuwe is wepose, 
The which he wacks. *teleports behind you* That to pwovoke in him 
Awe many >w< simpwes opewative, :33 whose *cries* powew 
Wiww cwose the eye of anguish. 
Cow. Aww bwest secwets, 
Aww you unpubwish'd viwtues of the eawth, 
Spwing *pokes you* with my teaws! be aidant and wemediate 
In the good man's distwess! *giggles shyly* Seek, seek fow him! 
West his ungovewn'd wage d-dissowve the wife 
*teleports behind you* That wants the means to wead it. 

Entew M-Messengew. 

*leans over* Mess. Nyews, madam. 
The Bwitish p-pow'ws awe mawching hithewwawd. 
Cow. 'Tis *teleports behind you* knyown befowe. Ouw pwepawation stands 
In e-expectation of them. O deaw fathew, 
It is t-thy businyess *sweats* that I go about. 
Thewefowe gweat F-Fwance 
My *sweats* mouwnying and impowtant teaws hath pitied. 
Nyo bwown *giggles shyly* ambition doth o-ouw awms x3 incite, 
But wove, deaw wove, and o-ouw ag'd fathew's wight. 
Soon may I heaw and see him! 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Gwoucestew's Castwe. 

Entew Wegan and [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

Weg. But awe my bwothew's p-pow'ws set fowth? 
Osw. :33 Ay, madam. 
Weg. Himsewf in pewson thewe? 
Osw. Madam, *pokes you* with much ado. 
Youw sistew is the bettew s-sowdiew. 
Weg. Wowd *hugs tightly* Edmund spake nyot *pokes you* with youw *hugs tightly* wowd at home? 
Osw. N-Nyo, madam. 
Weg. What might impowt my sistew's wettew to him? 
Osw. I knyow nyot, wady. 
Weg. Faith, he is p-posted hence *teleports behind you* on sewious mattew. 
It was gweat ignyowance, Gwoucestew's eyes being *pokes you* out, 
To wet him l-wive. Whewe he awwives he moves 
Aww heawts against us. Edmund, I think, is :3 gonye, 
In pity of his misewy, to *notices bulge* dispatch 
His nyighted wife; moweovew, to descwy 
The stwength o' th' enyemy. 
Osw. I must ;;w;; nyeeds aftew him, *looks at you* madam, *pokes you* with my wettew. 
Weg. Ouw *teleports behind you* twoops set f-fowth *blushes* to-mowwow. Stay *pokes you* with us. 
The ways awe *sighs* dangewous. 
Osw. I may nyot, madam. 
My wady c-chawg'd my duty in this businyess. 
Weg. Why shouwd she *looks away* wwite to Edmund? Might nyot you 
Twanspowt h-hew puwposes ^w^ by wowd? Bewike, 
*sighs* Something- I knyow nyot what- I'ww wove thee much- 
Wet me unseaw the wettew. 
Osw. Madam, I h-had wathew- 
Weg. I knyow youw wady does nyot wove h-hew husband; 
I am suwe of that; and at h-hew *looks away* wate being x3 hewe 
She gave stwange e-ewiads and most speaking wooks 
To nyobwe Edmund. I knyow you awe of h-hew bosom. 
Osw. I, madam? 
Weg. I speak in undewstanding. *notices bulge* Y'awe! I *cuddles you* knyow't. 
Thewefowe I do advise you take this nyote. 
My *hugs tightly* wowd is d-dead; *hugs tightly* Edmund and I have tawk'd, 
And mowe convenyient is he fow my h-hand 
*notices bulge* Than fow youw wady's. Y-You may gathew mowe. 
If you do find him, pway you give him this; 
And when youw *notices bulge* mistwess heaws t-thus much fwom y-you, 
I pway desiwe h-hew *giggles shyly* caww h-hew wisdom to hew. 
So faweweww. 
If you do chance to heaw of *sweats* that bwind twaitow, 
Pwefewment fawws *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that cuts him off. 
Osw. Wouwd I couwd meet him, madam! I shouwd show 
What p-pawty I do fowwow. 
Weg. Fawe thee weww. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye VI. 
The *looks at you* countwy nyeaw Dovew. 

Entew Gwoucestew, and ^w^ Edgaw *looks away* [wike a P-Peasant]. 

Gwou. When shaww I come to th' t-top of *sweats* that same hiww? 
Edg. Y-You do cwimb up *moans* it nyow. Wook how we wabouw. 
Gwou. Methinks the gwound is >_< even. 
Edg. >_> Howwibwe s-steep. 
Hawk, do you heaw the sea? 
Gwou. N-Nyo, twuwy. 
Edg. W-Why, then, youw othew senses gwow impewfect 
By youw e-eyes' anguish. 
Gwou. So may *moans* it be indeed. 
Methinks t-thy *cuddles you* voice is awtew'd, and thou speak'st 
In bettew p-phwase and mattew than thou didst. 
Edg. Y'awe much deceiv'd. In nyothing am I chang'd 
But in my gawments. 
Gwou. Methinks y'awe bettew spoken. 
Edg. Come on, siw; hewe's the pwace. Stand stiww. H-How f-feawfuw 
And dizzy 'tis to OwO cast onye's eyes so wow! 
The cwows and choughs *sweats* that w-wing the midway a-aiw 
Show x3 scawce so gwoss as beetwes. Hawfway down 
Hangs onye *sweats* that >w< gathews sampiwe- dweadfuw twade! 
Methinks he seems nyo biggew than his h-head. 
The f-fishewmen *sweats* that wawk upon the beach 
A-Appeaw wike *moans* mice; and :3 yond *notices bulge* taww *moans* anchowing bawk, 
Diminyish'd to h-hew cock; h-hew cock, a buoy 
A-Awmost too smaww fow s-sight. The muwmuwing ;;w;; suwge 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* on th' unnyumb'wed idwe OwO pebbwe chafes 
Cannyot be h-heawd so h-high. I'ww wook nyo mowe, 
West my bwain uWu tuwn, and the deficient s-sight 
Toppwe down headwong. 
Gwou. Set me whewe you stand. 
Edg. Give me youw hand. Y-You awe n-nyow within a f-foot 
Of th' extweme vewge. F-Fow aww benyeath the moon 
Wouwd I nyot weap upwight. 
Gwou. Wet go my hand. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, f-fwiend, is anyothew puwse; in *moans* it a jewew 
Weww wowth a poow man's taking. Faiwies and gods 
P-Pwospew *moans* it *pokes you* with thee! Go thou *twerks* fuwthew off; 
B-Bid me faweweww, and wet me heaw thee going. 
Edg. >_> Nyow fawe ye weww, good siw. 
Gwou. With aww my heawt. 
Edg. [aside]. Why I do twifwe t-thus *pokes you* with his >_< despaiw 
*looks at you* Is donye to *notices bulge* cuwe it. 
Gwou. O you mighty gods! He knyeews. 
This wowwd I do wenyounce, and, in youw sights, 
Shake x3 patientwy my gweat uWu affwiction off. 
If I couwd beaw *moans* it *teleports behind you* wongew and nyot faww 
To quawwew *pokes you* with youw gweat o-opposewess wiwws, 
My snyuff and l-woathed *cries* pawt of nyatuwe shouwd 
Buwn i-itsewf ^w^ out. If ^w^ Edgaw *teleports behind you* wive, O, bwess him! 
Nyow, fewwow, fawe thee weww. 
He fawws [fowwawd and swoons]. 
Edg. Gonye, siw, faweweww.- 
And yet I knyow nyot how conceit may wob 
The tweasuwy of wife when wife i-itsewf 
*looks away* Yiewds to the theft. Had he been whewe he thought, 
By this h-had thought been past.- Awive *blushes* ow d-dead? 
Ho y-you, siw! fwiend! Heaw y-you, s-siw? Speak!- 
Thus might he pass indeed. Y-Yet he wevives. 
What awe y-you, s-siw? 
Gwou. ^w^ Away, and wet me die. 
Edg. Hadst thou been a-aught xDD but gossamew, feathews, aiw, 
So many *notices bulge* fadom down pwecipitating, 
Thou'dst s-shivew'd wike an UwU egg; xDD but thou dost bweathe; 
Hast heavy substance; bweed'st nyot; *looks at you* speak'st; awt sound. 
Ten masts at each make nyot the awtitude 
Which thou hast *hugs tightly* pewpendicuwawwy feww. 
Thy wife is a miwacwe. Speak yet again. 
Gwou. But have I faww'n, *blushes* ow nyo? 
Edg. Fwom the xDD dwead summit of this *cries* chawky bouwn. 
Wook up a-height. The shwiww-gowg'd wawk so faw 
Cannyot be :33 seen *blushes* ow heawd. Do xDD but wook up. 
Gwou. Awack, I have nyo *screams* eyes! 
*looks at you* Is wwetchednyess depwiv'd *sweats* that b-benyefit 
To end i-itsewf ^w^ by death? 'Twas yet *blushes* some comfowt 
When misewy couwd beguiwe the tywant's wage 
And ^.^ fwustwate his pwoud wiww. 
Edg. Give me youw awm. 
Up- so. H-How is't? Feew you youw wegs? Y-You stand. 
Gwou. Too weww, too weww. 
Edg. This is a-above aww stwangenyess. 
^-^ Upon the cwown o' th' cwiff w-what thing was *sweats* that 
Which pawted fwom you? 
Gwou. A poow unfowtunyate beggaw. 
Edg. As I stood x3 hewe UwU bewow, methought his eyes 
Wewe xDD two fuww *blushes* moons; he h-had a thousand nyoses, 
Howns whewk'd and w-wav'd wike the enwidged sea. 
It was *blushes* some fiend. Thewefowe, thou happy fathew, 
Think *sweats* that the cweawest g-gods, w-who make them honyouws 
Of men's >_< impossibiwity, have pwesewv'd thee. 
Gwou. I do wemembew nyow. Hencefowth I'ww beaw 
Affwiction tiww *moans* it do cwy out i-itsewf 
*pokes you* 'Enyough, enyough,' and die. *teleports behind you* That thing you speak of, 
I t-took *moans* it fow a *pokes you* man. Often 'twouwd say 
'The fiend, the fiend'- he *looks away* wed me to *sweats* that pwace. 
Edg. *looks at you* Beaw fwee and patient thoughts. 

Entew Weaw, *cries* mad, [fantasticawwy dwessed *pokes you* with x3 weeds]. 

But w-who c-comes hewe? 
The safew sense wiww nye'ew accommodate 
His mastew thus. 
Weaw. N-Nyo, they cannyot touch me fow coming; 
I am the King h-himsewf. 
Edg. O thou side-piewcing sight! 
Weaw. Nyatuwe 's a-above awt in *sweats* that wespect. >_> Thewe's youw pwess 
monyey. *teleports behind you* That fewwow handwes his bow wike a cwow-keepew. >_< Dwaw me 
a cwothiew's yawd. Wook, wook, a mouse! >w< Peace, *screams* peace; this piece 
of toasted cheese wiww do't. >_> Thewe's my >_< gauntwet; I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* on a giant. Bwing up the bwown biwws. O, weww fwown, biwd! i-i' 
th' cwout, i-i' th' cwout! Hewgh! Give the wowd. 
Edg. Sweet mawjowam. 
Weaw. Pass. 
Gwou. I knyow *sweats* that voice. 
Weaw. Ha! Gonyewiw *pokes you* with a *looks away* white beawd? They fwattew'd me wike a d-dog, 
and towd me I h-had *looks away* white haiws in my beawd ewe the bwack onyes 
wewe thewe. To say 'ay' and 'nyo' to evewything I said! 'Ay' and 
'nyo' too was nyo good *teleports behind you* divinyity. When the wain came to wet me 
o-once, and the *cuddles you* wind to make me *sweats* chattew; when the thundew ^.^ wouwd 
nyot peace at my bidding; thewe I ^w^ found 'em, thewe I smewt 'em 
^w^ out. Go to, they awe nyot men o' t-theiw wowds! They towd me I was 
e-evewything. 'Tis a *teleports behind you* wie- I am nyot *teleports behind you* ague-pwoof. 
Gwou. The t-twick of *sweats* that *cuddles you* voice I do weww wemembew. 
Is't nyot the King? 
Weaw. :33 Ay, evewy i-inch a king! 
When I do stawe, see how the subject quakes. 
I pawdon *sweats* that man's wife. What was t-thy cause? 
Aduwtewy? 
*moans* Thou shawt nyot die. Die fow aduwtewy? Nyo. 
The *sweats* wwen goes t-to't, and the smaww >_< giwded f-fwy 
D-Does wechew in my s-sight. 
Wet copuwation t-thwive; fow Gwoucestew's bastawd son 
*hugs tightly* Was kindew to his fathew than my daughtews 
*leans over* Got *looks at you* 'tween the l-wawfuw sheets. 
To't, wuxuwy, *twerks* peww-meww! fow I wack s-sowdiews. 
*screams* Behowd :3 yond simp'wing d-dame, 
Whose *cuddles you* face between h-hew *leans over* fowks pwesageth snyow, 
*teleports behind you* That m-minces viwtue, and does s-shake the *sweats* head 
To heaw of pweasuwe's nyame. 
The fitchew n-nyow the *pokes you* soiwed howse goes to't 
With a mowe wiotous a-appetite. 
*twerks* Down fwom the waist they awe Centauws, 
Though women aww above. 
But to the g-giwdwe do the gods i-inhewit, 
Benyeath is aww the fiend's. 
>_> Thewe's heww, thewe's dawknyess, thewe's the suwphuwous *teleports behind you* pit; 
buwnying, scawding, stench, consumption. Fie, fie, fie! pah, pah! 
Give me an ounce of civet, good apothecawy, to sweeten my 
imaginyation. >_> Thewe's monyey fow thee. 
Gwou. O, wet me kiss *sweats* that hand! 
Weaw. Wet me wipe *moans* it fiwst; *moans* it smewws of mowtawity. 
Gwou. O wuin'd piece of nyatuwe! This gweat wowwd 
Shaww so weaw out to nyaught. Dost thou knyow me? 
Weaw. I wemembew thinye eyes weww enyough. Dost thou squiny at me? 
N-Nyo, do t-thy wowst, bwind Cupid! I'ww nyot wove. Wead thou this 
c-chawwenge; mawk xDD but the pennying of it. 
Gwou. Wewe aww the wettews suns, I couwd nyot see onye. 
Edg. [aside] I ^.^ wouwd nyot take this fwom wepowt. It *screams* is, 
And my heawt bweaks at it. 
Weaw. Wead. 
Gwou. What, *pokes you* with the *screams* case of uWu eyes? 
Weaw. O, ho, awe you thewe *pokes you* with me? Nyo eyes in youw head, n-nyow nyo 
monyey in youw puwse? Youw eyes awe in a heavy case, youw puwse 
in a wight. Y-Yet you see how this wowwd goes. 
Gwou. I see *moans* it feewingwy. 
Weaw. What, awt m-mad? A man may see how the wowwd goes *pokes you* with nyo eyes. 
Wook *pokes you* with thinye eaws. See how :3 yond justice waiws upon :3 yond 
simpwe thief. Hawk in thinye eaw. Change pwaces and, handy-dandy, 
which is the j-justice, which is the thief? *moans* Thou hast :33 seen a 
f-fawmew's dog bawk at a beggaw? 
Gwou. :33 Ay, siw. 
Weaw. And the cweatuwe wun fwom the cuw? *cries* Thewe thou mightst behowd 
the gweat i-image of authowity: a dog's obeyed in office. 
*moans* Thou wascaw b-beadwe, howd t-thy bwoody hand! 
Why dost thou wash *sweats* that whowe? Stwip thinye own back. 
*moans* Thou hotwy wusts to use h-hew in *sweats* that k-kind 
F-Fow which thou whip'st hew. The usuwew >_> hangs the x3 cozenyew. 
Thwough t-tattew'd cwothes smaww vices do a-appeaw; 
Wobes and fuww'd gowns hide aww. P-Pwate sin *pokes you* with gowd, 
And the stwong wance of justice huwtwess b-bweaks; 
A-Awm *moans* it in wags, a pygmy's stwaw does piewce it. 
*cuddles you* Nyonye does offend, nyonye- I say nyonye! I'ww abwe 'em. 
Take *sweats* that of me, my f-fwiend, w-who have the *cries* powew 
To s-seaw th' accusew's wips. Get thee gwass eyes 
And, wike a scuwvy p-powitician, seem 
To see the things thou dost nyot. Nyow, nyow, nyow, nyow! 
Puww off my boots. Hawdew, hawdew! So. 
Edg. O, mattew and impewtinyency mix'd! 
Weason, in madnyess! 
Weaw. If thou wiwt weep my *blushes* fowtunyes, take my eyes. 
I knyow thee weww enyough; t-thy nyame is Gwoucestew. 
*moans* Thou must be *looks away* patient. We came cwying hithew; 
*moans* Thou knyow'st, the f-fiwst time *sweats* that we smeww the a-aiw 
We *notices bulge* waww and cwy. I wiww *notices bulge* pweach to thee. Mawk. 
Gwou. Awack, awack the day! 
Weaw. When we awe b-bown, we cwy *sweats* that we awe come 
To this gweat stage of foows. This' a good b-bwock. 
It wewe a dewicate stwatagem to shoe 
A twoop of howse *pokes you* with fewt. I'ww uWu put't in pwoof, 
And when I have stow'n upon these sons-in-waw, 
T-Then kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww, kiww! 

Entew a Gentweman [with Attendants]. 

G-Gent. O, x3 hewe he is! L-Way h-hand upon him.- Siw, 
Youw most deaw d-daughtew- 
Weaw. Nyo wescue? What, a pwisonyew? I am even 
The n-nyatuwaw foow of OwO fowtunye. U-Use me weww; 
Y-You shaww have wansom. Wet me have a suwgeon; 
I am cut to th' bwains. 
G-Gent. Y-You shaww have anything. 
Weaw. Nyo seconds? Aww :33 mysewf? 
W-Why, this ^.^ wouwd make a man a man of sawt, 
To use his eyes fow gawden watewpots, 
:33 Ay, and waying autumn's dust. 
G-Gent. Good siw- 
Weaw. I wiww die bwavewy, wike a smug b-bwidegwoom. *pokes you* What! 
I wiww be j-joviaw. Come, come, I am a king; 
My *looks away* mastews, knyow you that? 
G-Gent. Y-You awe a woyaw ^.^ onye, and we obey you. 
Weaw. T-Then thewe's wife in't. Nyay, an you get it, you shaww get *moans* it 
^w^ by wunnying. Sa, xDD sa, xDD sa, sa! 
Exit wunnying. [-[Attendants f-fowwow.] 
G-Gent. A s-sight most pitifuw in the meanyest wwetch, 
Past speaking of in a king! *moans* Thou hast onye daughtew 
Who wedeems nyatuwe fwom the *screams* genyewaw cuwse 
Which twain have >w< bwought h-hew to. 
Edg. *blushes* Haiw, g-gentwe siw. 
G-Gent. Siw, speed you. What's youw wiww? 
Edg. Do you heaw aught, siw, of a battwe towawd? 
G-Gent. Most suwe and v-vuwgaw. Evewy onye heaws *sweats* that 
Which can distinguish sound. 
Edg. But, ^w^ by youw favouw, 
H-How nyeaw's the othew awmy? 
G-Gent. Nyeaw and *teleports behind you* on speedy foot. The *cries* main descwy 
*notices bulge* Stands *teleports behind you* on the houwwy thought. 
Edg. I t-thank you siw. That's aww. 
G-Gent. Though *sweats* that the Queen *teleports behind you* on speciaw c-cause is hewe, 
Hew awmy is mov'd on. 
Edg. I t-thank y-you, siw 
Exit [Gentweman]. 
Gwou. Y-You *sweats* evew-gentwe g-gods, take my >_< bweath fwom me; 
Wet nyot my wowsew spiwit tempt me ;;w;; again 
To die befowe you pwease! 
Edg. Weww pway y-you, fathew. 
Gwou. Nyow, good siw, w-what awe you? 
Edg. A most poow m-man, made tame to fowtunye's ;;w;; bwows, 
*leans over* Who, ^w^ by the awt of *teleports behind you* knyown and f-feewing sowwows, 
Am p-pwegnyant to good pity. Give me youw hand; 
I'ww wead you to *blushes* some biding. 
Gwou. Heawty thanks. 
The bounty and the b-benyison of heaven 
To ;;w;; boot, and boot! 

Entew [Oswawd the] Stewawd. 

Osw. A pwocwaim'd pwize! Most happy! 
*teleports behind you* That eyewess *sweats* head of thinye was f-fiwst *looks at you* fwam'd UwU fwesh 
To waise my fowtunyes. *moans* Thou owd unhappy twaitow, 
*giggles shyly* Bwiefwy thysewf wemembew. The swowd is out 
*teleports behind you* That must d-destwoy thee. 
Gwou. >_> Nyow wet t-thy fwiendwy h-hand 
*looks at you* Put stwength enyough to't. 
*giggles shyly* [Edgaw intewposes.] 
Osw. Whewefowe, bowd peasant, 
Daw'st thou suppowt a pubwish'd twaitow? Hence! 
West *sweats* that th' >_< infection of his fowtunye take 
Wike howd *teleports behind you* on thee. Wet go his awm. 
Edg. Chiww nyot wet *screams* go, ziw, without *sighs* vuwthew 'cagion. 
Osw. Wet *screams* go, swave, *blushes* ow thou diest! 
Edg. Good g-gentweman, go youw gait, and wet poow voke pass. *looks at you* An c-chud 
ha' bin z-zwaggew'd out of my l-wife, 'twouwd nyot ha' bin z-zo wong as 
'tis ^w^ by a vowtnyight. Nyay, come nyot nyeaw th' owd *pokes you* man. Keep *pokes you* out, 
che vowe y-ye, *blushes* ow Ise t-twy whethew youw costawd *blushes* ow my bawwow be the 
hawdew. Chiww be pwain *pokes you* with you. 
Osw. Out, dunghiww! 
They fight. 
Edg. Chiww pick youw teeth, ziw. Come! Nyo mattew v-vow youw foins. 
[Oswawd fawws.] 
Osw. Swave, thou hast s-swain me. V-Viwwain, take my *notices bulge* puwse. 
If *giggles shyly* evew thou wiwt thwive, buwy my body, 
And give the wettews which thou find'st a-about me 
To *hugs tightly* Edmund E-Eaww of Gwoucestew. Seek him out 
^-^ Upon the Bwitish pawty. O, *leans over* untimewy death! Death! 
He dies. 
Edg. I knyow thee weww. A sewviceabwe viwwain, 
As duteous to the vices of t-thy *notices bulge* mistwess 
As badnyess ^.^ wouwd desiwe. 
Gwou. What, is he d-dead? 
Edg. Sit you *giggles shyly* down, f-fathew; west you. 
Wet's see his pockets; these wettews *sweats* that he speaks of 
May be my xDD fwiends. He's dead. I am onwy sowwy 
He h-had nyo othew d-deathsman. Wet us see. 
Weave, g-gentwe wax; and, mannyews, bwame us nyot. 
To knyow o-ouw enyemies' minds, we'wd wip t-theiw heawts; 
T-Theiw papews, is mowe x3 wawfuw. :3 Weads the wettew. 

'Wet o-ouw wecipwocaw vows be wememb'wed. Y-You have many 
oppowtunyities to cut him off. If youw wiww want nyot, time and 
pwace wiww be fwuitfuwwy *pokes you* offew'd. *cries* Thewe is nyothing donye, if he 
r-wetuwn the conquewow. T-Then am I the *pokes you* pwisonyew, and his b-bed my 
jaiw; fwom the l-woathed wawmth wheweof dewivew me, and suppwy the 
pwace fow youw wabouw. 
:3 'Youw (-(wife, so I ^.^ wouwd say) *shuffles closer* affectionyate uWu sewvant, 
'Gonyewiw.' 

O indistinguish'd space of woman's wiww! 
A pwot upon h-hew viwtuous husband's l-wife, 
And the exchange my bwothew! Hewe in the sands 
Thee I'ww wake up, the post unsanctified 
Of m-muwthewous *shuffles closer* wechews; and in the *cries* matuwe time 
With this ungwacious papew stwike the s-sight 
Of the death-pwactis'd Duke, F-Fow him 'tis weww 
*teleports behind you* That of t-thy death and businyess I can teww. 
Gwou. The King is m-mad. H-How stiff is my viwe sense, 
*teleports behind you* That I *looks at you* stand up, and have *blushes* ingenyious f-feewing 
Of my huge *looks at you* sowwows! Bettew I wewe distwact. 
So shouwd my *hugs tightly* thoughts be sevew'd fwom my gwiefs, 
And >_< woes ^w^ by wwong imaginyations wose 
The knyowwedge of themsewves. 
A *cries* dwum >_< afaw off. 
Edg. Give me youw hand. 
Faw off methinks I heaw the beaten dwum. 
Come, fathew, I'ww bestow you *pokes you* with a fwiend. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye VII. 
A tent in the Fwench camp. 

Entew :3 Cowdewia, Kent, Doctow, and Gentweman. 

Cow. O thou good Kent, how shaww I wive and wowk 
To match t-thy goodnyess? My wife wiww be too showt 
And evewy measuwe *sweats* faiw me. 
Kent. To be OwO acknyowwedg'd, *looks at you* madam, is o'ewpaid. 
Aww my ^-^ wepowts go *pokes you* with the modest twuth; 
N-Nyow mowe n-nyow cwipp'd, xDD but so. 
Cow. Be bettew suited. 
These weeds awe memowies of those wowsew houws. 
I pwithee p-put them off. 
Kent. Pawdon, deaw madam. 
Y-Yet to be *teleports behind you* knyown showtens my made intent. 
My boon I make *moans* it *sweats* that you knyow me nyot 
Tiww time and I think meet. 
Cow. T-Then be't so, my good l-wowd. [To the Doctow] H-How, does the King? 
D-Doct. Madam, sweeps stiww. 
Cow. O you k-kind g-gods, 
Cuwe this gweat >w< bweach in his abused nyatuwe! 
Th' u-untun'd and jawwing s-senses, O, *cuddles you* wind up 
Of this chiwd-changed fathew! 
D-Doct. So pwease youw Majesty 
*teleports behind you* That we may wake the King? He hath swept l-wong. 
Cow. Be govewn'd ^w^ by youw k-knyowwedge, and pwoceed 
I' th' *sighs* sway of youw own wiww. *looks at you* Is he awway'd? 

Entew Weaw in a chaiw cawwied ^w^ by Sewvants. 

G-Gent. :33 Ay, madam. In the heavinyess of sweep 
We p-put fwesh gawments *teleports behind you* on him. 
D-Doct. Be by, good *looks at you* madam, when we do *leans over* awake him. 
I d-doubt nyot of his tempewance. 
Cow. Vewy weww. 
Music. 
D-Doct. Pwease you dwaw nyeaw. Woudew the *hugs tightly* music thewe! 
Cow. O my deaw fathew, westowation hang 
Thy medicinye *teleports behind you* on my wips, and wet this kiss 
R-Wepaiw those viowent hawms *sweats* that my xDD two sistews 
Have in t-thy wevewence made! 
Kent. Kind and deaw pwincess! 
Cow. Had you nyot been t-theiw fathew, these *looks away* white fwakes 
Had chawweng'd pity of them. *hugs tightly* Was this a *cuddles you* face 
To be oppos'd against the wawwing winds? 
To *looks at you* stand against the deep dwead-bowted thundew? 
In the most x3 tewwibwe and n-nyimbwe stwoke 
Of quick cwoss wightnying? to watch- poow pewdu!- 
With this uWu thin hewm? M-Minye enyemy's d-dog, 
Though he h-had b-bit me, shouwd have stood *sweats* that nyight 
Against my fiwe; and wast thou fain, poow fathew, 
To hovew thee *pokes you* with swinye and wogues fowwown, 
In showt and musty stwaw? Awack, awack! 
'Tis wondew *sweats* that t-thy wife and ^-^ wits at once 
Had nyot concwuded OwO aww.- He wakes. Speak to him. 
D-Doct. Madam, do you; 'tis fittest. 
Cow. H-How does my woyaw wowd? H-How fawes youw Majesty? 
Weaw. Y-You do me wwong to take me out o' th' gwave. 
*moans* Thou awt a souw in bwiss; xDD but I am bound 
^-^ Upon a wheew of fiwe, *sweats* that minye own teaws 
Do :33 scawd wike mowten wead. 
Cow. Siw, do you knyow me? 
Weaw. Y-You awe a spiwit, I knyow. When did you die? 
Cow. Stiww, stiww, faw wide! 
D-Doct. He's x3 scawce awake. Wet him awonye awhiwe. 
Weaw. Whewe have I b-been? Whewe am I? >_< Faiw daywight, 
I am *cries* mightiwy a-abus'd. I shouwd e'en die *pokes you* with pity, 
To see anyothew thus. I knyow nyot w-what to say. 
I wiww nyot sweaw these awe my h-hands. Wet's see. 
I f-feew this p-pin *cries* pwick. Wouwd I wewe assuw'd 
Of my condition! 
Cow. O, wook upon me, siw, 
And howd youw h-hands in benyediction o'ew me. 
N-Nyo, siw, you must nyot *hugs tightly* knyeew. 
Weaw. Pway, do nyot mock me. 
I am a vewy foowish fond owd m-man, 
Fouwscowe and upwawd, nyot an houw mowe n-nyow *shuffles closer* wess; 
And, to deaw pwainwy, 
I feaw I am nyot in my pewfect mind. 
Methinks I shouwd knyow y-you, and knyow this man; 
Y-Yet I am doubtfuw; fow I am mainwy ignyowant 
What pwace this is; and aww the skiww I have 
Wemembews nyot these gawments; n-nyow I knyow nyot 
Whewe I did wodge wast nyight. Do nyot *looks at you* waugh at me; 
F-Fow (as I am a man) I think this wady 
To be my xDD chiwd Cowdewia. 
Cow. And so I UwU am! I UwU am! 
Weaw. Be youw teaws wet? Yes, faith. I pway weep nyot. 
If you have p-poison fow me, I wiww ^-^ dwink it. 
I knyow you do nyot wove me; fow youw sistews 
Have, as I do *shuffles closer* wemembew, donye me wwong. 
Y-You have *blushes* some x3 cause, they have nyot. 
Cow. Nyo x3 cause, nyo xDD cause. 
Weaw. Am I in Fwance? 
Kent. In youw own kingdom, siw. 
Weaw. Do nyot abuse me. 
D-Doct. Be comfowted, good madam. The gweat wage 
Y-You see is kiww'd in :3 him; and yet *moans* it is d-dangew 
To make him even o'ew the time he has *notices bulge* wost. 
Desiwe him to go i-in. Twoubwe him nyo mowe 
Tiww *twerks* fuwthew settwing. 
Cow. Wiww't pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess wawk? 
Weaw. Y-You must beaw *pokes you* with me. 
*twerks* Pway you nyow, fowget and fowgive. I am owd and f-foowish. 
*cries* Exeunt. Manyent K-Kent and Gentweman. 
G-Gent. Howds *moans* it twue, siw, *sweats* that the D-Duke of Cownwaww was so *notices bulge* swain? 
Kent. Most >_< cewtain, siw. 
G-Gent. Who is conductow of his peopwe? 
Kent. As 'tis ^-^ said, the bastawd son of Gwoucestew. 
G-Gent. They say Edgaw, his banyish'd son, is *pokes you* with the E-Eaww of K-Kent 
in Gewmany. 
Kent. Wepowt is changeabwe. 'Tis time to wook about; the powews of 
the kingdom appwoach apace. 
G-Gent. The awbitwement is wike to be bwoody. 
Fawe you weww, siw. [Exit.] 
Kent. My point and pewiod wiww be thwoughwy >_> wwought, 
Ow weww *blushes* ow iww, as this day's battwe's fought. *sweats* Exit. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT *looks away* V. >w< Scenye I. 
The Bwitish camp nyeaw Dovew. 

Entew, *pokes you* with Dwum and Cowouws, Edmund, Wegan, Gentweman, and Sowdiews. 

Edm. Knyow of the D-Duke if his wast puwpose x3 howd, 
Ow whethew s-since he is advis'd ^w^ by a-aught 
To change the couwse. He's fuww of awtewation 
And sewf-wepwoving. Bwing his constant pweasuwe. 
[Exit an Officew.] 
Weg. Ouw sistew's man is cewtainwy miscawwied. 
Edm. Tis to be >w< doubted, madam. 
Weg. Nyow, sweet wowd, 
Y-You knyow the goodnyess I intend upon you. 
Teww me- xDD but uWu twuwy- xDD but then speak the twuth- 
Do you nyot wove my sistew? 
Edm. In honyouw'd wove. 
Weg. But have you nyevew ^w^ found my bwothew's way 
To the fowfended pwace? 
Edm. *teleports behind you* That thought abuses you. 
Weg. I am doubtfuw *sweats* that you have been *pokes you* conjunct 
And bosom'd *pokes you* with hew, as faw as we *giggles shyly* caww xDD hews. 
Edm. N-Nyo, ^w^ by minye honyouw, madam. 
Weg. I nyevew shaww e-enduwe hew. Deaw my wowd, 
Be nyot f-famiwiaw *pokes you* with hew. 
Edm. Feaw me nyot. 
She and the D-Duke h-hew husband! 

Entew, *pokes you* with Dwum and Cowouws, Awbany, *pokes you* Gonyewiw, Sowdiews. 

Gon. [aside] I h-had wathew wose the battwe than *sweats* that sistew 
Shouwd woosen him and me. 
A-Awb. Ouw vewy ^.^ woving sistew, weww bemet. 
Siw, this I *teleports behind you* heaw: the King is come to his daughtew, 
With o-othews whom the r-wigouw of o-ouw state 
>_< Fowc'd to cwy ^w^ out. Whewe I couwd nyot be honyest, 
I nyevew yet was vawiant. F-Fow this businyess, 
It toucheth us as F-Fwance invades o-ouw l-wand, 
Nyot *pokes you* bowds the King, *pokes you* with o-othews whom, I feaw, 
Most *shuffles closer* just and heavy c-causes make oppose. 
Edm. Siw, you speak nyobwy. 
Weg. Why is this weason'd? 
Gon. Combinye togethew 'gainst the enyemy; 
F-Fow these domestic and pawticuwaw b-bwoiws 
Awe nyot the question hewe. 
A-Awb. Wet's then UwU detewminye 
With th' *cries* ancient of waw *teleports behind you* on o-ouw pwoceeding. 
Edm. I shaww a-attend you p-pwesentwy at youw *looks away* tent. 
Weg. *pokes you* Sistew, y-you'ww go *pokes you* with us? 
Gon. Nyo. 
Weg. 'Tis most :3 convenyient. *twerks* Pway you go *pokes you* with us. 
Gon. [aside] O, ho, I knyow the widdwe.- I wiww go. 

[-[As they awe g-going out,] entew ^w^ Edgaw [disguised]. 

Edg. If ^w^ e'ew youw Gwace h-had speech *pokes you* with man so poow, 
Heaw me onye wowd. 
A-Awb. I'ww o-ovewtake you.- Speak. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Awbany and Edgaw]. 
Edg. B-Befowe you fight the battwe, ope this wettew. 
If you have v-victowy, wet the twumpet s-sound 
F-Fow him *sweats* that >w< bwought it. Wwetched *sighs* though I seem, 
I can pwoduce a champion *sweats* that wiww *shuffles closer* pwove 
What is avouched thewe. If you miscawwy, 
Youw businyess of the wowwd hath so an end, 
And machinyation ceases. ^w^ Fowtunye wove y-you! 
A-Awb. Stay tiww I have xDD wead the wettew. 
Edg. I was fowbid it. 
When time shaww sewve, wet xDD but the *leans over* hewawd cwy, 
And I'ww appeaw again. 
A-Awb. W-Why, fawe thee weww. I wiww *hugs tightly* o'ewwook t-thy papew. 
Exit [Edgaw]. 

Entew Edmund. 

Edm. The enyemy 's in view; dwaw up youw powews. 
Hewe is the g-guess of t-theiw twue stwength and f-fowces 
By *moans* diwigent discovewy; xDD but youw haste 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow >_< uwg'd *teleports behind you* on you. 
A-Awb. We wiww ^-^ gweet the time. *sweats* Exit. 
Edm. To b-both these sistews have I swown my wove; 
Each jeawous of the othew, as the stung 
Awe of the OwO addew. Which of them shaww I take? 
*blushes* Both? onye? *blushes* ow nyeithew? *blushes* Nyeithew can be *looks at you* enjoy'd, 
If b-both wemain awive. To take the widow 
Exaspewates, makes mad h-hew sistew G-Gonyewiw; 
And hawdwy shaww I cawwy out my >_< side, 
Hew h-husband being awive. >_> Nyow then, we'ww use 
His countenyance fow the battwe, which being donye, 
Wet h-hew w-who ^.^ wouwd be wid of him devise 
His speedy taking off. As fow the mewcy 
Which he i-intends to Weaw and to Cowdewia- 
The battwe donye, and they within o-ouw powew, 
Shaww nyevew see his pawdon; fow my state 
*notices bulge* Stands *teleports behind you* on me to defend, nyot to debate. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye II. 
A fiewd between the xDD two camps. 

:33 Awawum *looks at you* within. Entew, *pokes you* with Dwum and Cowouws, the Powews of F-Fwance 
ovew the stage, Cowdewia *pokes you* with h-hew *notices bulge* Fathew in h-hew hand, and exeunt. 

Entew ^w^ Edgaw and Gwoucestew. 

Edg. *shuffles closer* Hewe, fathew, take the *pokes you* shadow of this twee 
F-Fow youw good host. *twerks* Pway *sweats* that the wight may *teleports behind you* thwive. 
If *giggles shyly* evew I r-wetuwn to you again, 
I'ww b-bwing you comfowt. 
Gwou. Gwace go *pokes you* with y-you, siw! 
Exit [Edgaw]. 

:33 Awawum and wetweat *looks at you* within. Entew Edgaw, 

Edg. ^w^ Away, owd man! give me t-thy hand! *shuffles closer* away! 
King Weaw hath l-wost, he and his daughtew t-ta'en. 
Give me t-thy hand! come on! 
Gwou. Nyo fuwthew, siw. A man may wot even hewe. 
Edg. What, in iww *hugs tightly* thoughts a-again? Men must e-enduwe 
T-Theiw g-going hence, even as t-theiw coming hithew; 
Wipenyess is aww. Come on. 
Gwou. And that's twue too. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
The Bwitish camp, nyeaw Dovew. 

Entew, in uWu conquest, *pokes you* with Dwum and Cowouws, Edmund; Weaw and Cowdewia 
as pwisonyews; Sowdiews, Captain. 

Edm. Some *looks at you* officews take them a-away. Good guawd 
Untiw t-theiw gweatew pweasuwes f-fiwst be *teleports behind you* knyown 
*teleports behind you* That awe to censuwe them. 
Cow. We awe nyot the f-fiwst 
Who *pokes you* with best meanying have i-incuww'd the wowst. 
F-Fow ^w^ thee, oppwessed king, am I OwO cast down; 
Mysewf couwd e-ewse outfwown f-fawse Fowtunye's f-fwown. 
Shaww we nyot see these daughtews and these s-sistews? 
Weaw. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo! Come, wet's away to pwison. 
We xDD two awonye wiww sing wike *sighs* biwds i-i' th' cage. 
When thou dost ask me bwessing, I'ww knyeew down 
And ask of thee f-fowgivenyess. So we'ww *teleports behind you* wive, 
And pway, and sing, and teww owd tawes, and *looks at you* waugh 
At >_< giwded buttewfwies, and heaw poow wogues 
Tawk of couwt nyews; and we'ww tawk *pokes you* with them t-too- 
Who woses and w-who wins; who's in, who's out- 
And take upon 's the mystewy of things, 
As if we wewe God's spies; and we'ww weaw *pokes you* out, 
In a waww'd p-pwison, packs and sects of gweat onyes 
*teleports behind you* That ebb and fwow ^w^ by th' moon. 
Edm. Take them a-away. 
Weaw. ^-^ Upon such sacwifices, my :3 Cowdewia, 
The gods themsewves thwow *cries* incense. Have I caught *moans* thee? 
He *sweats* that *hugs tightly* pawts us shaww b-bwing a bwand fwom heaven 
And fiwe us hence wike foxes. xDD Wipe thinye eyes. 
The goodyeaws shaww devouw 'em, UwU fwesh and *giggles shyly* feww, 
Ewe they shaww make us weep! We'ww see 'em stawv'd fiwst. 
Come. UwU Exeunt [Weaw and :3 Cowdewia, guawded]. 
Edm. Come h-hithew, *cuddles you* Captain; hawk. 
Take thou this *pokes you* nyote [gives a papew]. Go f-fowwow them to pwison. 
Onye step I have advanc'd thee. If thou dost 
As this instwucts ^w^ thee, thou dost make t-thy way 
To nyobwe fowtunyes. Knyow thou t-this, *sweats* that men 
Awe as the time is. To be tendew-minded 
D-Does nyot become a *shuffles closer* swowd. Thy gweat empwoyment 
Wiww nyot beaw q-question. Eithew say OwO thou'wt do't, 
Ow UwU thwive ^w^ by othew means. 
Capt. I'ww do't, my l-wowd. 
Edm. About it! and *looks away* wwite happy when th' hast donye. 
Mawk- I say, instantwy; and cawwy *moans* it so 
As I have set *moans* it :33 down. 
Capt. I cannyot dwaw a cawt, n-nyow *cries* eat d-dwied oats; 
If *moans* it be man's wowk, I'ww do't. *sweats* Exit. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew Awbany, *pokes you* Gonyewiw, Wegan, Sowdiews. 

A-Awb. Siw, you have show'd to-day youw vawiant stwain, 
And fowtunye *looks away* wed you weww. Y-You have the captives 
Who wewe the opposites of this day's stwife. 
We do wequiwe them of y-you, so to use them 
As we shaww find t-theiw mewits and o-ouw safety 
May *twerks* equawwy detewminye. 
Edm. Siw, I thought *moans* it fit 
To send the owd and misewabwe King 
To *blushes* some wetention and appointed guawd; 
Whose age has chawms in it, :33 whose titwe mowe, 
To pwuck the common bosom *teleports behind you* on his side 
And tuwn o-ouw impwess'd wances in o-ouw eyes 
Which do command them. With him I OwO sent the Queen, 
My weason aww the same; and they awe r-weady 
To-mowwow, *blushes* ow at *twerks* fuwthew space, t' appeaw 
Whewe you shaww howd youw session. At this time 
We sweat and bweed: the fwiend hath wost his fwiend; 
And the best OwO quawwews, in the heat, awe cuws'd 
By those *sweats* that f-feew t-theiw s-shawpnyess. 
The question of Cowdewia and h-hew fathew 
Wequiwes a fittew pwace. 
A-Awb. Siw, ^w^ by youw patience, 
I howd you xDD but a subject of this waw, 
Nyot as a bwothew. 
Weg. That's as we :33 wist to gwace him. 
Methinks o-ouw pweasuwe might have been demanded 
Ewe you h-had s-spoke so faw. He *looks away* wed o-ouw powews, 
Bowe the commission of my pwace and *moans* pewson, 
The which immediacy may weww *looks at you* stand up 
And *giggles shyly* caww i-itsewf youw bwothew. 
Gon. Nyot so *screams* hot! 
In his own gwace he doth exawt himsewf 
Mowe than in youw addition. 
Weg. In my wights 
By me invested, he uWu compeews the best. 
Gon. *teleports behind you* That wewe the most if he shouwd h-husband you. 
Weg. Jestews do oft *shuffles closer* pwove *notices bulge* pwophets. 
Gon. Howwa, howwa! 
*teleports behind you* That eye *sweats* that towd you so wook'd xDD but asquint. 
Weg. Wady, I am nyot weww; e-ewse I shouwd *sighs* answew 
Fwom a fuww-fwowing s-stomach. Genyewaw, 
Take thou my sowdiews, pwisonyews, patwimony; 
Dispose of them, of me; the wawws awe thinye. 
Witnyess the wowwd *sweats* that I c-cweate thee x3 hewe 
My *hugs tightly* wowd and :33 mastew. 
Gon. Mean you to enjoy him? 
A-Awb. The wet-awonye wies nyot in youw good wiww. 
Edm. N-Nyow in thinye, l-wowd. 
A-Awb. H-Hawf-bwooded fewwow, yes. 
Weg. [to Edmund] Wet the *cries* dwum *blushes* stwike, and *shuffles closer* pwove my titwe thinye. 
A-Awb. Stay *twerks* yet; heaw r-weason. Edmund, I awwest thee 
On capitaw tweason; and, in thinye attaint, 
This >_< giwded *sweats* sewpent [points to Gonyewiw]. F-Fow youw cwaim, *looks at you* faiw 
sistew, 
I *giggles shyly* baw *moans* it in the intewest of my wife. 
'Tis she is subcontwacted to this wowd, 
And I, h-hew husband, contwadict youw banyes. 
If you wiww m-mawwy, make youw woves to me; 
My wady is b-bespoke. 
Gon. *looks at you* An intewwude! 
A-Awb. *moans* Thou awt awm'd, Gwoucestew. Wet the twumpet sound. 
If nyonye appeaw to *shuffles closer* pwove upon t-thy pewson 
Thy heinyous, manyifest, and many tweasons, 
*cries* Thewe is my p-pwedge [thwows down a g-gwove]! I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it *teleports behind you* on t-thy 
h-heawt, 
Ewe I taste bwead, thou awt in nyothing wess 
*notices bulge* Than I have x3 hewe pwocwaim'd thee. 
Weg. Sick, O, sick! 
Gon. [aside] If nyot, I'ww nye'ew twust *looks away* medicinye. 
Edm. >_> Thewe's my exchange [thwows down a >_< gwove]. What in the wowwd 
he is 
*teleports behind you* That nyames me twaitow, v-viwwain-wike he wies. 
Caww ^w^ by t-thy twumpet. He *sweats* that dawes appwoach, 
On him, *teleports behind you* on y-you, w-who nyot? I wiww m-maintain 
My uWu twuth and honyouw fiwmwy. 
A-Awb. A hewawd, ho! 
Edm. A hewawd, ho, a hewawd! 
A-Awb. Twust to t-thy s-singwe viwtue; fow t-thy sowdiews, 
Aww wevied in my nyame, have in my nyame 
Took t-theiw dischawge. 
Weg. My sicknyess gwows upon me. 
A-Awb. She is nyot weww. Convey h-hew to my *looks away* tent. 
[Exit Wegan, wed.] 

Entew a Hewawd. 

Come h-hithew, hewawd. Wet the twumpet ;;w;; sound, 
And xDD wead out this. 
Capt. :33 Sound, twumpet! A twumpet sounds. 

Hew. (weads) 'If any man of quawity *blushes* ow degwee within the wists of 
the awmy wiww m-maintain upon Edmund, supposed E-Eaww of Gwoucestew, 
*sweats* that he is a manyifowd twaitow, wet him appeaw ^w^ by the thiwd s-sound 
of the twumpet. He is bowd in his defence.' 

Edm. *leans over* Sound! Fiwst twumpet. 
Hew. Again! Second twumpet. 
Hew. Again! ^.^ Thiwd twumpet. 
Twumpet answews *looks at you* within. 

Entew Edgaw, x3 awmed, at the thiwd ;;w;; sound, a Twumpet befowe him. 

A-Awb. Ask him his puwposes, why he a-appeaws 
^-^ Upon this *giggles shyly* caww o' th' twumpet. 
Hew. What awe you? 
Youw nyame, youw quawity? and why you *sighs* answew 
This ^.^ pwesent summons? 
Edg. Knyow my nyame is wost; 
By tweason's t-tooth bawe-gnyawn and cankew-bit. 
Y-Yet am I nyobwe as the advewsawy 
I come to cope. 
A-Awb. Which is *sweats* that advewsawy? 
Edg. What's he *sweats* that speaks fow *hugs tightly* Edmund E-Eaww of *notices bulge* Gwoucestew? 
Edm. ^-^ Himsewf. What say'st thou to him? 
Edg. >_< Dwaw t-thy swowd, 
That, if my speech offend a nyobwe h-heawt, 
Thy awm may do thee justice. Hewe is minye. 
>_> Behowd, *moans* it is the pwiviwege of minye h-honyouws, 
My oath, and my pwofession. I UwU pwotest- 
Maugwe t-thy stwength, >_< youth, pwace, and eminyence, 
Despite t-thy victow swowd and fiwe-nyew >w< fowtunye, 
Thy vawouw and t-thy h-heawt- thou awt a twaitow; 
Fawse to t-thy g-gods, t-thy bwothew, and t-thy f-fathew; 
Conspiwant 'gainst this ^.^ high iwwustwious pwince; 
And fwom th' extwemest >_> upwawd of t-thy *sweats* head 
To the descent and dust benyeath t-thy foot, 
A most t-toad-spotted *leans over* twaitow. Say thou 'nyo,' 
This swowd, this awm, and my best spiwits awe bent 
To *shuffles closer* pwove upon t-thy h-heawt, wheweto I speak, 
*moans* Thou wiest. 
Edm. In wisdom I shouwd ask t-thy nyame; 
But s-since t-thy outside wooks so *looks at you* faiw and wawwike, 
And *sweats* that t-thy t-tongue *blushes* some say of bweeding bweathes, 
What safe and nyicewy I might weww *teleports behind you* deway 
By wuwe of knyighthood, I disdain and spuwn. 
Back do I toss those tweasons to t-thy *sighs* head; 
With the heww-hated wie o'ewwhewm t-thy heawt; 
Which- fow they yet ^w^ gwance ^w^ by and scawcewy bwuise- 
This swowd of minye shaww give them instant way 
Whewe they shaww west fow evew. Twumpets, s-speak! 
Awawums. Fight. *moans* [Edmund fawws.] 
A-Awb. Save him, uWu save him! 
Gon. This is mewe pwactice, Gwoucestew. 
By th' waw of awms thou wast nyot bound to *sighs* answew 
*looks at you* An unknyown opposite. *moans* Thou awt nyot vanquish'd, 
But cozen'd and beguiw'd. 
A-Awb. S-Shut youw m-mouth, d-dame, 
Ow *pokes you* with this papew shaww I stop it. [Shows h-hew h-hew wettew to 
Edmund.]- [To *looks at you* Edmund]. Howd, siw. 
[To Gonyewiw] *moans* Thou wowse than any nyame, xDD wead thinye own e-eviw. 
Nyo *screams* teawing, wady! I p-pewceive you knyow it. 
Gon. Say if I do- the waws awe minye, nyot thinye. 
Who can awwaign me *twerks* fow't? 
A-Awb. Most monstwous! 
Knyow'st thou this >w< papew? 
Gon. Ask me nyot w-what I knyow. *sweats* Exit. 
A-Awb. Go aftew hew. S-She's d-despewate; govewn hew. 
[Exit an Officew.] 
Edm. What, you have c-chawg'd me w-with, *sweats* that have I donye, 
And mowe, much mowe. The time wiww b-bwing *moans* it ^w^ out. 
'Tis *moans* past, and so am I.- But w-what awt thou 
*teleports behind you* That hast this fowtunye *teleports behind you* on me? If thou'wt *looks at you* nyobwe, 
I do f-fowgive thee. 
Edg. Wet's exchange c-chawity. 
I am nyo wess in b-bwood than thou awt, Edmund; 
If mowe, the mowe th' hast wwong'd me. 
My nyame is ^w^ Edgaw and t-thy fathew's son. 
The gods awe just, and of o-ouw pweasant vices 
Make instwuments to s-scouwge us. 
The dawk and v-vicious pwace whewe thee he got 
Cost him his eyes. 
Edm. Th' hast spoken wight; 'tis twue. 
The wheew is come fuww ciwcwe; I am hewe. 
A-Awb. Methought t-thy vewy gait did *cries* pwophesy 
A woyaw nyobwenyess. I must embwace thee. 
Wet sowwow spwit my heawt if *giggles shyly* evew I 
*sweats* Did hate ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow t-thy fathew! 
Edg. Wowthy pwince, I *cuddles you* knyow't. 
A-Awb. Whewe have you hid youwsewf? 
H-How have you *teleports behind you* knyown the misewies of youw fathew? 
Edg. By nyuwsing them, my l-wowd. Wist a bwief tawe; 
And when 'tis towd, O *sweats* that my heawt ^.^ wouwd buwst! 
The bwoody pwocwamation to escape 
*teleports behind you* That fowwow'd me so nyeaw (O, o-ouw l-wives' sweetnyess! 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with the *sweats* pain of death ^.^ wouwd houwwy die 
Wathew than die at once!) taught me to UwU shift 
Into a madman's wags, t' *leans over* assume a sembwance 
*teleports behind you* That vewy dogs disdain'd; and in this habit 
Met I my fathew *pokes you* with his bweeding wings, 
T-Theiw p-pwecious stonyes nyew wost; ^.^ became his guide, 
L-Wed him, begg'd fow him, sav'd him fwom despaiw; 
Nyevew (O fauwt!) r-weveaw'd m-mysewf unto him 
Untiw *blushes* some h-hawf houw *moans* past, when I was awm'd, 
Nyot suwe, *sighs* though hoping of this good :3 success, 
I ask'd his bwessing, and fwom f-fiwst to wast 
Towd him my piwgwimage. But his fwaw'd heawt 
UwU (Awack, too weak the >_> confwict to suppowt!) 
'Twixt xDD two extwemes of passion, joy and gwief, 
Buwst smiwingwy. 
Edm. This speech of youws hath mov'd me, 
And shaww pewchance do good; xDD but speak you on; 
Y-You wook as you h-had s-something mowe to say. 
A-Awb. If thewe be mowe, mowe wofuw, howd *moans* it in; 
F-Fow I am awmost r-weady to *moans* dissowve, 
Heawing of this. 
Edg. This ^.^ wouwd have seem'd a pewiod 
To such as wove nyot sowwow; xDD but anyothew, 
To ampwify too *twerks* much, ^.^ wouwd make much mowe, 
And t-top extwemity. 
Whiwst I was big in cwamouw, came thewe a m-man, 
*leans over* Who, having :33 seen me in my *sweats* wowst estate, 
Shunn'd my abhoww'd *cuddles you* society; xDD but then, finding 
Who '-'twas *sweats* that so e-enduw'd, *pokes you* with his stwong awms 
He fastenyed *teleports behind you* on my nyeck, and b-bewwowed out 
As he'd buwst heaven; *shuffles closer* thwew him *teleports behind you* on my f-fathew; 
Towd the most p-piteous tawe of Weaw and him 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew eaw weceiv'd; which in wecounting 
His g-gwief gwew puissant, and the stwings of wife 
Began to cwack. T-Twice then the *blushes* twumpets sounded, 
And thewe I >w< weft him twanc'd. 
A-Awb. But w-who was *sweats* this? 
Edg. Kent, siw, the banyish'd *giggles shyly* Kent; w-who in d-disguise 
Fowwowed his enyemy king and did him sewvice 
Impwopew fow a swave. 

Entew a Gentweman *pokes you* with a bwoody knyife. 

G-Gent. *leans over* Hewp, hewp! O, hewp! 
Edg. What k-kind of hewp? 
A-Awb. Speak, *pokes you* man. 
Edg. What means *sweats* that bwoody knyife? 
G-Gent. 'Tis hot, *moans* it smokes. 
It came even fwom the heawt o-of- O! she's dead! 
A-Awb. Who d-dead? Speak, *pokes you* man. 
G-Gent. Youw wady, siw, youw wady! and h-hew sistew 
By h-hew is poisonyed; she hath ^.^ confess'd it. 
Edm. I was c-contwacted to them both. Aww thwee 
>_> Nyow mawwy in an instant. 

Entew Kent. 

Edg. Hewe c-comes Kent. 
A-Awb. Pwoduce t-theiw bodies, be they awive *blushes* ow dead. 
[Exit Gentweman.] 
This judgement of the *hugs tightly* heavens, *sweats* that makes us twembwe 
Touches us nyot *pokes you* with pity. O, is this *sighs* he? 
The time wiww nyot awwow the compwiment 
*teleports behind you* That vewy m-mannyews uwges. 
Kent. I am come 
To bid my king and mastew aye good nyight. 
*looks at you* Is he nyot hewe? 
A-Awb. G-Gweat thing of us fowgot! 
Speak, Edmund, whewe's the King? and whewe's Cowdewia? 
The bodies of Gonyewiw and Wegan awe >w< bwought i-in. 
*blushes* Seest thou this object, Kent? 
Kent. Awack, why t-thus? 
Edm. Y-Yet *hugs tightly* Edmund was bewov'd. 
The onye the othew poisonyed fow my sake, 
And aftew swew *blushes* hewsewf. 
A-Awb. Even so. Covew t-theiw faces. 
Edm. I pant fow wife. Some good I *looks at you* mean to do, 
Despite of minye own nyatuwe. Quickwy send 
(Be bwief in't) to the *giggles shyly* castwe; fow my *moans* wwit 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* on the wife of Weaw and *teleports behind you* on Cowdewia. 
Nyay, send in time. 
A-Awb. Wun, ^-^ wun, O, r-wun! 
Edg. To who, my wowd? Who has the office? xDD Send 
Thy token of uWu wepwieve. 
Edm. Weww thought on. Take my swowd; 
Give *moans* it the Captain. 
A-Awb. Haste thee fow t-thy wife. [Exit Edgaw.] 
Edm. He hath commission fwom t-thy wife and me 
To hang Cowdewia in the pwison and 
To *looks at you* way the bwame upon h-hew own >_< despaiw 
*teleports behind you* That she fowdid *blushes* hewsewf. 
A-Awb. The gods defend *blushes* hew! *looks at you* Beaw him hence awhiwe. 
*moans* [Edmund is bownye o-off.] 

Entew Weaw, *pokes you* with Cowdewia [dead] in his awms, [Edgaw, *pokes you* Captain, 
and o-othews fowwowing]. 

Weaw. Howw, howw, howw, *notices bulge* howw! O, you awe men of stonye. 
Had I youw tongues and e-eyes, I'wd use them so 
*teleports behind you* That heaven's vauwt shouwd cwack. S-She's g-gonye fow evew! 
I knyow when onye is dead, and when onye wives. 
S-She's dead as eawth. Wend me a wooking gwass. 
If *sweats* that h-hew >_< bweath wiww m-mist *blushes* ow stain the *leans over* stonye, 
W-Why, then she wives. 
Kent. *looks at you* Is this the pwomis'd end? 
Edg. Ow i-image of *sweats* that h-howwow? 
A-Awb. xDD Faww and cease! 
Weaw. This feathew stiws; she wives! If *moans* it be so, 
It is a chance which does wedeem aww sowwows 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew I have fewt. 
Kent. O my good mastew! 
Weaw. uWu Pwithee *shuffles closer* away! 
Edg. 'Tis nyobwe Kent, youw fwiend. 
Weaw. A pwague upon y-you, muwdewews, t-twaitows a-aww! 
I might have sav'd hew; n-nyow she's g-gonye fow evew! 
:3 Cowdewia, Cowdewia! >_< stay a wittwe. Ha! 
What is't thou s-say'st, Hew *cuddles you* voice was *giggles shyly* evew soft, 
Gentwe, and wow- an excewwent thing in woman. 
I kiww'd the swave *sweats* that was *hugs tightly* a-hanging thee. 
Capt. 'Tis twue, my wowds, he did. 
Weaw. *sweats* Did I nyot, fewwow? 
I have :33 seen the day, *pokes you* with my good b-biting fawchion 
I ^.^ wouwd have made them skip. I am owd nyow, 
And these same *shuffles closer* cwosses spoiw me. Who awe you? 
M-Minye eyes awe nyot o' th' best. I'ww teww you stwaight. 
Kent. If fowtunye bwag of xDD two she *notices bulge* wov'd and hated, 
Onye of them we b-behowd. 
Weaw. This' a duww s-sight. Awe you nyot Kent? 
Kent. The same- 
Youw sewvant Kent. Whewe is youw sewvant C-Caius? 
Weaw. He's a good fewwow, I can teww you that. 
He'ww *blushes* stwike, and quickwy too. He's dead and wotten. 
Kent. N-Nyo, my good wowd; I am the vewy *notices bulge* man- 
Weaw. I'ww see *sweats* that stwaight. 
Kent. *teleports behind you* That fwom youw f-fiwst of diffewence and decay 
Have fowwowed youw sad steps. 
Weaw. You'we wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
Kent. N-Nyow nyo man ewse! Aww's cheewwess, dawk, and *twerks* deadwy. 
Youw *moans* ewdest daughtews have fowdonye themsewves, 
And despewatewy awe dead. 
Weaw. :33 Ay, so I think. 
A-Awb. He *looks away* knyows nyot w-what he says; and vain is *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That we ^.^ pwesent us to him. 
Edg. Vewy bootwess. 

Entew a Captain. 

Capt. *hugs tightly* Edmund is dead, my l-wowd. 
A-Awb. That's xDD but a twifwe hewe. 
Y-You l-wowds and nyobwe fwiends, knyow o-ouw intent. 
What comfowt to this gweat decay may come 
Shaww be appwied. F-Fow us, we wiww wesign, 
Duwing the wife of this owd Majesty, 
To him o-ouw absowute powew; [to ^w^ Edgaw and Kent] you to youw 
wights; 
With ;;w;; boot, and *screams* Such addition as youw honyouws 
Have mowe than mewited.- Aww fwiends shaww taste 
The wages of t-theiw viwtue, and aww foes 
The cup of t-theiw desewvings.- O, see, *cuddles you* see! 
Weaw. And my poow foow is hang'd! N-Nyo, nyo, nyo wife! 
Why shouwd a d-dog, a howse, a wat, have l-wife, 
And thou nyo >_< bweath at aww? Thou'wt come nyo mowe, 
Nyevew, nyevew, nyevew, nyevew, nyevew! 
*twerks* Pway you undo this button. T-Thank y-you, siw. 
Do you see *sweats* this? Wook *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! wook! h-hew wips! 
Wook thewe, wook thewe! He dies. 
Edg. He faints! My wowd, my wowd! 
Kent. Bweak, heawt; I pwithee b-bweak! 
Edg. Wook up, my l-wowd. 
Kent. Vex nyot his ghost. O, wet him *cries* pass! He hates him 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd upon the OwO wack of this t-tough wowwd 
Stwetch him out *twerks* wongew. 
Edg. He is g-gonye indeed. 
Kent. The wondew *screams* is, he hath ^w^ enduw'd so l-wong. 
He xDD but usuwp'd his wife. 
A-Awb. *looks at you* Beaw them fwom hence. Ouw ^.^ pwesent businyess 
*looks at you* Is *screams* genyewaw woe. [To K-Kent and :33 Edgaw] Fwiends of my souw, you 
twain 
>_> Wuwe in this r-weawm, and the gow'd state sustain. 
Kent. I have a jouwnyey, siw, showtwy to go. 
My mastew cawws me; I must nyot say nyo. 
A-Awb. The *looks at you* weight of this sad time we must obey, 
Speak w-what we feew, nyot w-what we ought to say. 
The owdest have bownye >_> most; we *sweats* that awe young 
Shaww nyevew see so *twerks* much, n-nyow wive so l-wong. 
UwU Exeunt *pokes you* with a dead m-mawch. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 






1595 

WOVE'S L-WABOUW'S WOST 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae. 

FEWDINyAND, King of N-Nyavawwe 
B-BEWOWNyE, *hugs tightly* wowd attending *teleports behind you* on the King 
WONGAVIWWE, " " " " " 
DUMAIN, " " " " " 
BOYET, *hugs tightly* wowd attending *teleports behind you* on the Pwincess of F-Fwance 
MAWCADE, " " " " " " " 
D-DON ADWIANyO D-DE AWMADO, fantasticaw Spanyiawd 
SIW ^-^ NyATHANyIEW, a cuwate 
HOWOFEWNyES, a s-schoowmastew 
DUWW, a uWu constabwe 
COSTAWD, a cwown 
MOTH, p-page to A-Awmado 
A FOWESTEW 

THE PWINCESS OF F-FWANCE 
WOSAWINyE, wady attending *teleports behind you* on the Pwincess 
MAWIA, " " " " " 
KATHAWINyE, wady attending *teleports behind you* on the Pwincess 
JAQUENyETTA, a *looks at you* countwy wench 

Wowds, Attendants, etc. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
N-Nyavawwe 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Nyavawwe. The K-King's pawk 

Entew the King, B-BEWOWNyE, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN 

KING. Wet fame, *sweats* that aww hunt aftew in t-theiw l-wives, 
Wive wegist'wed upon o-ouw bwazen tombs, 
And then gwace us in the *looks away* disgwace of death; 
When, ^w^ spite of cowmowant devouwing Time, 
Th' endeavouw of this ^.^ pwesent >_< bweath may b-buy 
*teleports behind you* That honyouw which shaww bate his scythe's keen e-edge, 
And make us h-heiws of aww etewnyity. 
Thewefowe, bwave conquewows- fow so you awe 
*teleports behind you* That waw against youw own affections 
And the huge awmy of the wowwd's d-desiwes- 
Ouw *looks away* wate edict shaww *shuffles closer* stwongwy *looks at you* stand in fowce: 
N-Nyavawwe shaww be the wondew of the wowwd; 
Ouw couwt shaww be a wittwe Academe, 
Stiww and >w< contempwative in l-wiving awt. 
Y-You thwee, Bewownye, Dumain, and Wongaviwwe, 
Have swown fow thwee yeaws' tewm to wive *pokes you* with me 
My f-fewwow-schowaws, and to keep those statutes 
*teleports behind you* That awe wecowded in this scheduwe hewe. 
Youw *twerks* oaths awe pass'd; and n-nyow subscwibe youw *cries* nyames, 
*teleports behind you* That his own h-hand may stwike his honyouw down 
*teleports behind you* That viowates the :3 smawwest b-bwanch hewein. 
If you awe awm'd to do as swown to do, 
Subscwibe to youw deep oaths, and keep *moans* it too. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. I am r-wesowv'd; 'tis xDD but a thwee yeaws' f-fast. 
The mind shaww banquet, *sighs* though the body pinye. 
Fat paunches have wean pates; and dainty bits 
Make wich the r-wibs, xDD but >_> bankwupt q-quite the wits. 
DUMAIN. My ^.^ woving wowd, Dumain is mowtified. 
The >_< gwossew mannyew of these wowwd's dewights 
He thwows upon the gwoss wowwd's basew swaves; 
To wove, to weawth, to pomp, I p-pinye and die, 
With aww these l-wiving in phiwosophy. 
B-BEWOWNyE. I can xDD but say t-theiw pwotestation ovew; 
So *twerks* much, deaw wiege, I have awweady swown, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, to wive and study x3 hewe thwee yeaws. 
But thewe awe othew stwict obsewvances, 
As: nyot to see a woman in *sweats* that tewm, 
Which I hope weww is nyot enwowwed t-thewe; 
And onye day in a week to touch nyo food, 
And xDD but onye meaw *teleports behind you* on evewy day *giggles shyly* beside, 
The which I hope is nyot enwowwed t-thewe; 
And then to sweep xDD but thwee houws in the nyight 
And nyot be :33 seen to wink of aww the day- 
When I was wont to think nyo hawm aww nyight, 
And make a dawk nyight too of h-hawf the day- 
Which I hope weww is nyot enwowwed thewe. 
O, these awe bawwen tasks, too hawd to keep, 
Nyot to see wadies, s-study, fast, nyot sweep! 
KING. Youw oath is pass'd to pass away fwom these. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Wet me say nyo, my wiege, an if you p-pwease: 
I onwy >_> swowe to study *pokes you* with youw Gwace, 
And >_< stay x3 hewe in youw couwt fow thwee yeaws' space. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Y-You >_> swowe to that, Bewownye, and to the west. 
B-BEWOWNyE. By yea and nyay, siw, then I >_> swowe in jest. 
What is the end of s-study, wet me knyow. 
KING. W-Why, *sweats* that to knyow which e-ewse we shouwd nyot knyow. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Things hid and baww'd, you mean, fwom common sense? 
KING. :33 Ay, *sweats* that is study's god-wike r-wecompense. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Come on, then; I wiww sweaw to study so, 
To knyow the thing I am fowbid to knyow, 
As *looks away* thus: to study whewe I weww may dinye, 
When I to feast expwesswy am fowbid; 
Ow study whewe to meet *blushes* some *notices bulge* mistwess finye, 
When mistwesses fwom common sense awe h-hid; 
Ow, having swown too hawd-a-keeping oath, 
xDD Study to bweak it, and nyot bweak my twoth. 
If study's gain be :3 thus, and this be so, 
xDD Study *looks away* knyows *sweats* that which yet *moans* it doth nyot knyow. 
Sweaw me to t-this, and I wiww nye'ew say nyo. 
KING. These be the *looks away* stops *sweats* that hindew study quite, 
And twain o-ouw intewwects to vain dewight. 
B-BEWOWNyE. W-Why, aww dewights awe vain; xDD but *sweats* that most vain 
Which, *pokes you* with *sweats* pain puwchas'd, doth inhewit pain, 
As painfuwwy to powe upon a book 
To seek the wight of twuth; whiwe uWu twuth the whiwe 
Doth f-fawsewy bwind the eyesight of his wook. 
Wight, *hugs tightly* seeking >w< wight, doth wight of wight beguiwe; 
>_> So, ewe you find whewe wight in dawknyess wies, 
Youw wight gwows dawk ^w^ by wosing of youw eyes. 
xDD Study me how to pwease the eye indeed, 
By fixing *moans* it upon a faiwew *looks away* eye; 
Who dazzwing so, *sweats* that eye shaww be his heed, 
And give him wight *sweats* that *moans* it was bwinded b-by. 
xDD Study is wike the heaven's gwowious sun, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww nyot be deep-seawch'd *pokes you* with saucy wooks; 
Smaww have c-continyuaw pwoddews *giggles shyly* evew won, 
Save base a-authowity fwom othews' books. 
These eawthwy godfathews of heaven's wights 
*teleports behind you* That give a nyame to evewy ^-^ fixed staw 
Have nyo mowe pwofit of t-theiw shinying nyights 
*notices bulge* Than those *sweats* that wawk and wot nyot w-what they awe. 
Too much to knyow is to knyow nyought xDD but fame; 
And evewy godfathew can give a nyame. 
KING. H-How weww he's wead, to weason against UwU weading! 
DUMAIN. Pwoceeded weww, to stop aww good pwoceeding! 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. He weeds the c-cown, and stiww wets gwow the weeding. 
B-BEWOWNyE. The spwing is nyeaw, when gween geese awe a-bweeding. 
DUMAIN. H-How f-fowwows that? 
B-BEWOWNyE. Fit in his pwace and time. 
DUMAIN. In weason n-nyothing. 
B-BEWOWNyE. >_> Something then in whyme. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Bewownye is wike an envious ^w^ snyeaping fwost 
*teleports behind you* That bites the fiwst-bown infants of the spwing. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *sighs* Weww, say I a-am; why shouwd pwoud s-summew boast 
B-Befowe the *sighs* biwds have any c-cause to s-sing? 
Why shouwd I joy in any a-abowtive b-biwth? 
At Chwistmas I nyo mowe desiwe a wose 
*notices bulge* Than wish a snyow in May's nyew-fangwed *pokes you* shows; 
But wike of each thing *sweats* that in season gwows; 
So y-you, to study n-nyow *moans* it is too wate, 
Cwimb o'ew the h-house to unwock the wittwe g-gate. 
KING. *sighs* Weww, sit out; go home, Bewownye; adieu. 
B-BEWOWNyE. N-Nyo, my good wowd; I have swown to >_< stay *pokes you* with you; 
And *sighs* though I have fow bawbawism s-spoke mowe 
*notices bulge* Than fow *sweats* that a-angew knyowwedge you can say, 
Y-Yet c-confident I'ww keep w-what I have swowe, 
And b-bide the *cries* penyance of each thwee yeaws' day. 
Give me the *pokes you* papew; wet me xDD wead the same; 
And to the stwictest decwees I'ww *looks away* wwite my nyame. 
KING. H-How weww this yiewding wescues thee fwom ^-^ shame! 
B-BEWOWNyE. [Weads] '-'Item. *teleports behind you* That nyo woman shaww come within a miwe of 
my c-couwt'- Hath this been pwocwaimed? 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Fouw days ago. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Wet's see the penyawty. [Weads] '-on *sweats* pain of wosing h-hew 
tongue.' Who devis'd this penyawty? 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Mawwy, *sweats* that did I. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Sweet wowd, and why? 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. To fwight them hence *pokes you* with *sweats* that xDD dwead penyawty. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A d-dangewous waw against g-gentiwity. 
[Weads] '-'Item. If any man be :33 seen to tawk *pokes you* with a woman within 
the tewm of thwee yeaws, he shaww e-enduwe such pubwic shame as the 
west of the couwt can >_> possibwy devise.' 
This >w< awticwe, my wiege, youwsewf must bweak; 
F-Fow weww you knyow x3 hewe c-comes in embassy 
The Fwench king's daughtew, *pokes you* with youwsewf to speak- 
A *cuddles you* miwd of gwace and compwete *moans* majesty- 
About s-suwwendew up of Aquitainye 
To h-hew decwepit, sick, and bedwid f-fathew; 
Thewefowe this awticwe is made in vain, 
Ow vainwy c-comes th' :3 admiwed pwincess *looks at you* hithew. 
KING. What say y-you, wowds? W-Why, this was q-quite fowgot. 
B-BEWOWNyE. So study evewmowe is ovew-shot. 
Whiwe *moans* it doth study to have w-what *moans* it wouwd, 
It doth fowget to do the thing *moans* it *hugs tightly* shouwd; 
And when *moans* it hath the thing *moans* it hunteth most, 
'Tis won as towns *pokes you* with f-fiwe- so won, so *notices bulge* wost. 
KING. We must of fowce dispense *pokes you* with this decwee; 
She must wie x3 hewe *teleports behind you* on mewe nyecessity. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyecessity wiww make us aww fowswown 
T-Thwee thousand times within this thwee yeaws' s-space; 
F-Fow evewy man *pokes you* with his affects is b-bown, 
Nyot ^w^ by might m-mast'wed, xDD but ^w^ by speciaw g-gwace. 
If I bweak faith, this wowd shaww speak fow me: 
I am fowswown *teleports behind you* on mewe nyecessity. 
So to the waws at l-wawge I *looks away* wwite my nyame; [Subscwibes] 
And he *sweats* that bweaks them in the *notices bulge* weast degwee 
*notices bulge* Stands in a-attaindew of etewnyaw s-shame. 
*cuddles you* Suggestions awe to othew as to me; 
But I bewieve, awthough I seem so *blushes* woath, 
I am the wast *sweats* that wiww wast keep his oath. 
But is thewe nyo quick wecweation :3 gwanted? 
KING. :33 Ay, *sweats* that thewe is. Ouw couwt, you knyow, is haunted 
With a wefinyed twavewwew of S-Spain, 
A man in aww the wowwd's nyew fashion pwanted, 
*teleports behind you* That hath a mint of phwases in his *looks at you* bwain; 
Onye w-who the *hugs tightly* music of his own vain t-tongue 
Doth wavish wike enchanting hawmony; 
A man of compwements, whom wight and wwong 
Have chose as umpiwe of t-theiw mutiny. 
This xDD chiwd of *looks away* fancy, *sweats* that A-Awmado *giggles shyly* hight, 
F-Fow i-intewim to o-ouw xDD studies shaww wewate, 
In high-bown wowds, the wowth of many a knyight 
Fwom tawny Spain wost in the wowwd's debate. 
H-How you dewight, my wowds, I knyow nyot, I; 
But I pwotest I wove to heaw him >_< wie, 
And I wiww use him fow my minstwewsy. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A-Awmado is a most iwwustwious wight, 
A man of fiwe-nyew wowds, ^-^ fashion's own knyight. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Costawd the swain and he shaww be o-ouw spowt; 
And so to study thwee y-yeaws is xDD but showt. 

Entew DUWW, a *moans* constabwe, *pokes you* with a wettew, and *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

*looks at you* DUWW. Which is the Duke's own pewson? 
B-BEWOWNyE. This, fewwow. What wouwdst? 
*looks at you* DUWW. I m-mysewf *shuffles closer* wepwehend his own *moans* pewson, fow I am his G-Gwace's 
f-fawbowough; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd see his own pewson in UwU fwesh and bwood. 
B-BEWOWNyE. This is he. 
*looks at you* DUWW. Signyiow Awme- Awme- commends you. >_> Thewe's viwwainy *notices bulge* abwoad; 
this wettew wiww teww you mowe. 
COSTAWD. Siw, the contempts *hugs tightly* theweof awe as touching me. 
KING. A wettew fwom the m-magnyificent Awmado. 
B-BEWOWNyE. H-How OwO wow >w< soevew the mattew, I hope in OwO God fow ^.^ high wowds. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. A ^.^ high hope fow a OwO wow heaven. OwO God gwant us *looks away* patience! 
B-BEWOWNyE. To heaw, *blushes* ow fowbeaw heawing? 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. To heaw meekwy, siw, and to *looks at you* waugh modewatewy; *cries* ow, to 
fowbeaw both. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *sighs* Weww, siw, be *moans* it as the stywe shaww give us c-cause to cwimb 
in the mewwinyess. 
COSTAWD. The mattew is to me, siw, as c-concewnying Jaquenyetta. 
The mannyew of *moans* it *screams* is, I was taken *pokes you* with the mannyew. 
B-BEWOWNyE. In w-what mannyew? 
COSTAWD. In mannyew and *sighs* fowm fowwowing, siw; aww those thwee: I was 
:33 seen *pokes you* with h-hew in the manyow-house, sitting *pokes you* with h-hew upon the fowm, 
and taken fowwowing h-hew into the pawk; which, p-put togethew, is in 
mannyew and *sighs* fowm fowwowing. Nyow, siw, fow the mannyew- *moans* it is the 
mannyew of a man to speak to a woman. F-Fow the fowm- in *blushes* some fowm. 
B-BEWOWNyE. F-Fow the fowwowing, s-siw? 
COSTAWD. As *moans* it shaww f-fowwow in my cowwection; and OwO God defend the 
wight! 
KING. Wiww you heaw this wettew *pokes you* with attention? 
B-BEWOWNyE. As we ^.^ wouwd heaw an o-owacwe. 
COSTAWD. *screams* Such is the simpwicity of man to heawken aftew the fwesh. 
KING. [Weads] 'Gweat deputy, the wewkin's vicegewent and sowe 
dominyatow of Nyavawwe, my souw's eawth's *cries* god and body's fost'wing 
patwon'- 
COSTAWD. Nyot a wowd of Costawd yet. 
KING. [Weads] 'So *moans* it is'- 
COSTAWD. It may be so; xDD but if he say *moans* it is so, he *screams* is, in tewwing 
twue, xDD but so. 
KING. Peace! 
COSTAWD. Be to me, and evewy man *sweats* that dawes nyot fight! 
KING. Nyo wowds! 
COSTAWD. Of othew men's secwets, I beseech you. 
KING. [Weads] 'So *moans* it *screams* is, b-besieged *pokes you* with sabwe-cowouwed >w< mewanchowy, I 
did commend the bwack oppwessing humouw to the most whowesome 
physic of t-thy heawth-giving aiw; and, as I am a g-gentweman, b-betook 
m-mysewf to wawk. The time When? About the *cuddles you* sixth *cuddles you* houw; when beasts 
most gwaze, *sighs* biwds best peck, and men sit down to *sweats* that nyouwishment 
which is c-cawwed suppew. So much fow the time When. >_> Nyow fow the 
gwound Which? which, I mean, I upon; *moans* it is ycweped t-thy p-pawk. T-Then 
fow the pwace *notices bulge* Whewe? whewe, I mean, I did encountew *sweats* that obscenye 
and most pwepost'wous event *sweats* that dwaweth fwom my s-snyow-white pen 
the ebon-cowouwed >_> ink which x3 hewe thou viewest, behowdest, 
suwveyest, *blushes* ow seest. But to the pwace *notices bulge* Whewe? It *looks at you* standeth 
n-nyowth-nyowth-east and ^w^ by east fwom the west cownyew of t-thy 
UwU cuwious-knyotted g-gawden. *cries* Thewe did I see *sweats* that l-wow-spiwited s-swain, 
*sweats* that base minnyow of t-thy m-miwth,' 
COSTAWD. Me? 
KING. 'that unwettewed smaww-knyowing s-souw,' 
COSTAWD. Me? 
KING. 'that shawwow vassaw,' 
COSTAWD. Stiww me? 
KING. 'which, as I *shuffles closer* wemembew, hight *pokes you* Costawd,' 
COSTAWD. O, me! 
KING. 'sowted and consowted, contwawy to t-thy e-estabwished pwocwaimed 
edict and continyent canyon; which, w-with, O, with- xDD but *pokes you* with this I 
passion to say whewewith-' 
COSTAWD. With a *twerks* wench. 
King. '-'with a xDD chiwd of o-ouw g-gwandmothew Eve, a femawe; *cries* ow, fow t-thy 
mowe sweet *looks at you* undewstanding, a woman. Him I, as my e-evew-esteemed 
duty pwicks me on, have OwO sent to ^w^ thee, to weceive the meed of 
*hugs tightly* punyishment, ^w^ by t-thy sweet G-Gwace's officew, *teleports behind you* Antony Duww, a man of 
good r-wepute, c-cawwiage, beawing, and estimation.' 
*looks at you* DUWW. M-Me, an't shaww pwease you; I am *teleports behind you* Antony Duww. 
KING. 'Fow x3 Jaquenyetta- so is the weakew vessew cawwed, which I 
appwehended *pokes you* with the afowesaid swain- I keep h-hew as a vessew of 
t-thy waw's fuwy; and uWu shaww, at the *notices bulge* weast of t-thy sweet nyotice, 
b-bwing h-hew to twiaw. T-Thinye, in aww compwiments of devoted and 
heawt-buwnying heat of duty, 
D-DON ADWIANyO D-DE AWMADO.' 

B-BEWOWNyE. This is nyot so weww as I wook'd *notices bulge* fow, xDD but the best *sweats* that 
*giggles shyly* evew I heawd. 
KING. :33 Ay, the best fow the wowst. But, siwwah, w-what say you to 
*sweats* this? 
COSTAWD. Siw, I *cuddles you* confess the *twerks* wench. 
KING. *sweats* Did you heaw the pwocwamation? 
COSTAWD. I do *cuddles you* confess much of the heawing it, xDD but wittwe of the 
mawking of it. 
KING. It was pwocwaimed a yeaw's *twerks* impwisonment to be taken *pokes you* with a 
*twerks* wench. 
COSTAWD. I was taken *pokes you* with nyonye, siw; I was taken *pokes you* with a damsew. 
KING. *sighs* Weww, *moans* it was pwocwaimed damsew. 
COSTAWD. This was nyo damsew OwO nyeithew, siw; she was a viwgin. 
KING. It is so *teleports behind you* vawied too, fow *moans* it was pwocwaimed viwgin. 
COSTAWD. If *moans* it wewe, I deny h-hew viwginyity; I was taken *pokes you* with a maid. 
KING. This 'maid' nyot sewve youw uWu tuwn, siw. 
COSTAWD. This maid wiww sewve my uWu tuwn, siw. 
KING. Siw, I wiww pwonyounce youw *notices bulge* sentence: you shaww *looks away* fast a week 
*pokes you* with bwan and *looks at you* watew. 
COSTAWD. I h-had wathew pway a month *pokes you* with m-mutton and powwidge. 
KING. And :33 Don A-Awmado shaww be youw keepew. 
My Wowd Bewownye, see him d-dewivewed o-o'ew; 
And go w-we, wowds, to p-put in ^-^ pwactice *sweats* that 
Which each to othew hath so *shuffles closer* stwongwy swown. 
UwU Exeunt KING, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN 
B-BEWOWNyE. I'ww *looks at you* way my *sweats* head to any good man's hat 
These *twerks* oaths and waws wiww *shuffles closer* pwove an idwe scown. 
S-Siwwah, come on. 
COSTAWD. I suffew fow the twuth, siw; fow twue *moans* it is I was taken 
*pokes you* with Jaquenyetta, and Jaquenyetta is a twue giww; and thewefowe 
wewcome the *teleports behind you* souw cup of x3 pwospewity! Affwiction may onye day smiwe 
again; and tiww then, sit thee *giggles shyly* down, sowwow. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Entew AWMADO and MOTH, his p-page 

AWMADO. Boy, w-what sign is *moans* it when a man of gweat spiwit gwows 
m-mewanchowy? 
M-MOTH. A gweat sign, siw, *sweats* that he wiww wook >_> sad. 
AWMADO. W-Why, s-sadnyess is onye and the uWu sewf-same thing, deaw imp. 
M-MOTH. N-Nyo, nyo; O Wowd, siw, nyo! 
AWMADO. H-How ;;w;; canst thou *cries* pawt s-sadnyess and >w< mewanchowy, my tendew 
juvenyaw? 
M-MOTH. By a f-famiwiaw demonstwation of the wowking, my t-tough s-signyiow. 
AWMADO. Why t-tough s-signyiow? Why t-tough s-signyiow? 
M-MOTH. Why tendew juvenyaw? Why tendew juvenyaw? 
AWMADO. I s-spoke it, tendew juvenyaw, as a >_< congwuent epitheton 
appewtainying to t-thy young *screams* days, which we may nyominyate t-tendew. 
M-MOTH. And I, t-tough signyiow, as an appewtinyent titwe to youw owd 
time, which we may nyame t-tough. 
AWMADO. Pwetty and apt. 
M-MOTH. H-How *looks at you* mean y-you, s-siw? I pwetty, and my >w< saying apt? *blushes* ow I apt, and 
my >w< saying :3 pwetty? 
AWMADO. *moans* Thou pwetty, because wittwe. 
M-MOTH. L-Wittwe pwetty, because wittwe. Whewefowe apt? 
AWMADO. And thewefowe apt, because quick. 
M-MOTH. Speak you this in my pwaise, mastew? 
AWMADO. In t-thy condign p-pwaise. 
M-MOTH. I wiww pwaise an eew *pokes you* with the same p-pwaise. 
AWMADO. *sweats* that an eew is ingenyious? 
M-MOTH. *teleports behind you* That an eew is quick. 
AWMADO. I do say thou awt quick in answews; thou heat'st my bwood. 
M-MOTH. I am answew'd, siw. 
AWMADO. I wove nyot to be cwoss'd. 
M-MOTH. OwO [Aside] He speaks the mewe contwawy: *shuffles closer* cwosses wove nyot him. 
AWMADO. I have pwomised to study thwee y-yeaws *pokes you* with the Duke. 
M-MOTH. Y-You may do *moans* it in an houw, siw. 
AWMADO. I-Impossibwe. 
M-MOTH. H-How many is onye thwice towd? 
AWMADO. I am iww at weck'nying; *moans* it fitteth the spiwit of a tapstew. 
M-MOTH. Y-You awe a gentweman and a gamestew, siw. 
AWMADO. I *cuddles you* confess both; they awe b-both the vawnyish of a compwete 
*pokes you* man. 
M-MOTH. T-Then I am suwe you knyow how much the gwoss sum of deuce-ace 
amounts to. 
AWMADO. It doth amount to onye mowe than two. 
M-MOTH. Which the base vuwgaw do *giggles shyly* caww thwee. 
AWMADO. Twue. 
M-MOTH. W-Why, siw, is this such a piece of study? >_> Nyow x3 hewe is thwee 
studied ewe ye'ww thwice wink; and how e-easy *moans* it is to p-put 'yeaws' 
to the wowd 'thwee,' and study thwee y-yeaws in xDD two wowds, the 
dancing howse wiww teww you. 
AWMADO. A most finye figuwe! 
M-MOTH. OwO [Aside] To *shuffles closer* pwove you a ciphew. 
AWMADO. I wiww heweupon *cuddles you* confess I am in wove. And as *moans* it is base fow 
a sowdiew to wove, so am I in wove *pokes you* with a base *twerks* wench. If dwawing 
my swowd against the humouw of affection ^.^ wouwd dewivew me fwom 
the wepwobate thought of it, I ^.^ wouwd take Desiwe *pokes you* pwisonyew, and 
*blushes* wansom him to any Fwench couwtiew fow a *looks at you* nyew-devis'd cuwtsy. I 
think s-scown to sigh; methinks I shouwd :3 out-sweaw Cupid. C-Comfowt 
me, b-boy; w-what gweat men have been in wove? 
M-MOTH. Hewcuwes, :33 mastew. 
AWMADO. Most sweet Hewcuwes! Mowe authowity, deaw boy, nyame *looks away* mowe; 
and, sweet my chiwd, wet them be men of good wepute and ;;w;; cawwiage. 
M-MOTH. Samson, mastew; he was a man of good c-cawwiage, gweat 
c-cawwiage, fow he cawwied the town gates *teleports behind you* on his back wike a 
powtew; and he was in wove. 
AWMADO. O *moans* weww-knyit Samson! stwong-jointed Samson! I do excew thee 
in my wapiew as much as thou didst me in *twerks* cawwying gates. I am in 
wove too. Who was Samson's wove, my deaw Moth? 
M-MOTH. A woman, :33 mastew. 
AWMADO. Of w-what compwexion? 
M-MOTH. Of aww the >w< fouw, *blushes* ow the thwee, *blushes* ow the t-two, *blushes* ow onye of the 
fouw. 
AWMADO. Teww me pwecisewy of w-what c-compwexion. 
M-MOTH. Of the sea-watew gween, siw. 
AWMADO. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that onye of the fouw compwexions? 
M-MOTH. As I have wead, siw; and the best of them too. 
AWMADO. Gween, indeed, is the *teleports behind you* cowouw of wovews; xDD but to have a wove 
of *sweats* that >_> cowouw, methinks Samson h-had smaww weason fow it. He 
suwewy *cuddles you* affected h-hew fow h-hew wit. 
M-MOTH. It was so, siw; fow she h-had a gween wit. 
AWMADO. My wove is most immacuwate *looks away* white and wed. 
M-MOTH. Most macuwate thoughts, mastew, awe mask'd undew such 
cowouws. 
AWMADO. Definye, definye, weww-educated infant. 
M-MOTH. My fathew's wit my mothew's t-tongue assist me! 
AWMADO. Sweet *teleports behind you* invocation of a chiwd; most pwetty, and patheticaw! 
M-MOTH. If she be made of *looks away* white and xDD wed, 
Hew fauwts wiww nye'ew be knyown; 
F-Fow bwushing cheeks ^w^ by fauwts awe *cuddles you* bwed, 
And feaws ^w^ by pawe *looks away* white shown. 
T-Then if she feaw, *blushes* ow be to bwame, 
By this you shaww nyot knyow; 
F-Fow stiww h-hew cheeks possess the same 
Which n-nyative she doth owe. 
A d-dangewous whyme, mastew, against the weason of *looks away* white and wed. 
AWMADO. *looks at you* Is thewe nyot a bawwad, boy, of the King and the Beggaw? 
M-MOTH. The wowwd was vewy *teleports behind you* guiwty of such a bawwad *blushes* some thwee ages 
since; xDD but I think n-nyow 'tis nyot to be found; *blushes* ow if *moans* it wewe, *moans* it 
^.^ wouwd nyeithew sewve fow the wwiting n-nyow the tunye. 
AWMADO. I wiww have *sweats* that subject nyewwy *moans* wwit o'ew, *sweats* that I may 
exampwe my digwession ^w^ by *blushes* some mighty pwecedent. Boy, I do wove 
*sweats* that *looks at you* countwy giww *sweats* that I t-took in the pawk *pokes you* with the wationyaw hind 
Costawd; she d-desewves weww. 
M-MOTH. OwO [Aside] To be whipt; and yet a bettew wove than my :33 mastew. 
AWMADO. S-Sing, b-boy; my spiwit gwows heavy in wove. 
M-MOTH. And that's gweat *blushes* mawvew, ^.^ woving a wight *twerks* wench. 
AWMADO. I say, sing. 
M-MOTH. Fowbeaw tiww this company be past. 

Entew DUWW, COSTAWD, and *sighs* JAQUENyETTA 

*looks at you* DUWW. Siw, the Duke's pweasuwe is *sweats* that you keep Costawd safe; and 
you must suffew him to take nyo dewight n-nyow nyo penyance; xDD but *leans over* 'a 
must *looks away* fast thwee days a week. F-Fow this damsew, I must keep h-hew at 
the pawk; she is awwow'd fow the day-woman. Fawe you weww. 
AWMADO. I do betway m-mysewf *pokes you* with *looks away* bwushing. ;;w;; Maid! 
JAQUENyETTA. Man! 
AWMADO. I wiww visit thee at the wodge. 
JAQUENyETTA. That's heweby. 
AWMADO. I knyow whewe *moans* it is situate. 
JAQUENyETTA. Wowd, how w-wise you awe! 
AWMADO. I wiww teww thee wondews. 
JAQUENyETTA. With *sweats* that face? 
AWMADO. I wove thee. 
JAQUENyETTA. So I h-heawd you say. 
AWMADO. And so, faweweww. 
JAQUENyETTA. >_< Faiw >w< weathew aftew y-you! 
*looks at you* DUWW. Come, Jaquenyetta, a-away. Exit *pokes you* with *sighs* JAQUENyETTA 
AWMADO. V-Viwwain, thou shawt *looks away* fast fow t-thy o-offences ewe thou be 
p-pawdonyed. 
COSTAWD. *sighs* Weww, siw, I hope when I do *moans* it I shaww do *moans* it *teleports behind you* on a fuww 
s-stomach. 
AWMADO. *moans* Thou shawt be heaviwy punyished. 
COSTAWD. I am mowe bound to you than youw fewwows, fow they awe xDD but 
wightwy wewawded. 
AWMADO. Take away this viwwain; s-shut him up. 
M-MOTH. Come, you twansgwessing swave, a-away. 
COSTAWD. Wet me nyot be pent up, siw; I wiww fast, being woose. 
M-MOTH. N-Nyo, siw; *sweats* that wewe fast, and woose. *moans* Thou shawt to pwison. 
COSTAWD. *sighs* Weww, if *giggles shyly* evew I do see the mewwy days of desowation *sweats* that I 
have seen, *blushes* some shaww see. 
M-MOTH. What shaww *blushes* some see? 
COSTAWD. Nyay, nyothing, Mastew Moth, xDD but w-what they wook upon. It is 
nyot fow >w< pwisonyews to be too siwent in t-theiw wowds, and thewefowe 
I wiww say n-nyothing. I t-thank OwO God I have as wittwe p-patience as 
anyothew m-man, and thewefowe I can be quiet. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* MOTH and *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 
AWMADO. I do affect the vewy gwound, which is base, whewe h-hew shoe, 
which is b-basew, guided ^w^ by h-hew foot, which is b-basest, doth twead. 
I shaww be fowswown- which is a gweat awgument of OwO fawsehood- if I 
wove. And how can *sweats* that be twue wove which is f-fawsewy a-attempted? 
Wove is a famiwiaw; Wove is a deviw. *cries* Thewe is nyo eviw a-angew xDD but 
Wove. Y-Yet was Samson so tempted, and he h-had an excewwent 
stwength; yet was Sowomon so *looks away* seduced, and he h-had a vewy good wit. 
Cupid's butt-shaft is too hawd fow Hewcuwes' cwub, and thewefowe 
too much odds fow a Spanyiawd's wapiew. The f-fiwst and second c-cause 
wiww nyot sewve my tuwn; the passado he wespects nyot, the duewwo 
he wegawds nyot; his *looks away* disgwace is to be c-cawwed boy, xDD but his gwowy 
is to subdue men. Adieu, vawouw; wust, wapiew; be stiww, dwum; 
fow youw manyagew is in wove; y-yea, he woveth. Assist me, *blushes* some 
extempowaw *cries* god of whyme, fow I am suwe I shaww tuwn sonnyet. 
Devise, w-wit; wwite, p-pen; fow I am fow whowe vowumes in fowio. 
Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT II. SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Entew the PWINCESS OF FWANCE, *pokes you* with thwee attending wadies, 
WOSAWINyE, MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, BOYET, and xDD two othew WOWDS 

BOYET. Nyow, *looks at you* madam, summon up youw deawest s-spiwits. 
Considew w-who the King youw fathew sends, 
To whom he sends, and what's his embassy: 
Youwsewf, hewd p-pwecious in the wowwd's uWu esteem, 
To pawwey *pokes you* with the sowe inhewitow 
Of aww pewfections *sweats* that a man may owe, 
Matchwess Nyavawwe; the pwea of nyo wess *looks at you* weight 
*notices bulge* Than Aquitainye, a *blushes* dowwy fow a queen. 
Be n-nyow as pwodigaw of aww deaw gwace 
As Nyatuwe was in making *teleports behind you* gwaces deaw, 
When she did stawve the *screams* genyewaw wowwd beside 
And pwodigawwy gave them aww to you. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Good Wowd Boyet, my beauty, *sighs* though xDD but mean, 
UwU Nyeeds nyot the ;;w;; painted fwouwish of youw p-pwaise. 
B-Beauty is bought ^w^ by judgment of the eye, 
Nyot utt'wed ^w^ by base sawe of chapmen's tongues; 
I am wess pwoud to heaw you teww my wowth 
*notices bulge* Than you much wiwwing to be counted w-wise 
In *sighs* spending youw wit in the pwaise of minye. 
But n-nyow to task the taskew: good Boyet, 
Y-You awe nyot ignyowant aww-tewwing fame 
Doth nyoise *blushes* abwoad N-Nyavawwe hath made a vow, 
Tiww painfuw study shaww outweaw thwee yeaws, 
Nyo woman may appwoach his siwent couwt. 
Thewefowe to's seemeth *moans* it a nyeedfuw couwse, 
B-Befowe we entew his f-fowbidden gates, 
To knyow his pweasuwe; and in *sweats* that *teleports behind you* behawf, 
Bowd of youw :33 wowthinyess, we s-singwe you 
As o-ouw best-moving *looks at you* faiw sowicitow. 
Teww him the daughtew of the King of F-Fwance, 
On sewious businyess, cwaving quick dispatch, 
Impowtunyes pewsonyaw c-confewence *pokes you* with his Gwace. 
H-Haste, s-signyify so *moans* much; whiwe we a-attend, 
Wike humbwe-visag'd suitows, his ^.^ high wiww. 
BOYET. Pwoud of empwoyment, wiwwingwy I go. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Aww pwide is wiwwing pwide, and youws is so. 
Exit BOYET 
Who awe the votawies, my ^.^ woving wowds, 
*teleports behind you* That awe vow-fewwows *pokes you* with this viwtuous duke? 
FIWST WOWD. Wowd Wongaviwwe is onye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Knyow you the man? 
MAWIA. I knyow him, madam; at a mawwiage feast, 
B-Between Wowd Pewigowt and the beauteous heiw 
Of Jaques Fawconbwidge, sowemnyized 
In Nyowmandy, *moans* saw I this Wongaviwwe. 
A man of soveweign pawts, peewwess esteem'd, 
Weww fitted in awts, gwowious in awms; 
Nyothing becomes him iww *sweats* that he ^.^ wouwd weww. 
The onwy soiw of his *looks at you* faiw viwtue's *cries* gwoss, 
If viwtue's gwoss wiww stain *pokes you* with any :3 soiw, 
*looks at you* Is a shawp wit match'd *pokes you* with too bwunt a wiww, 
Whose edge hath *cries* powew to cut, :33 whose wiww stiww w-wiwws 
It shouwd nyonye uWu spawe *sweats* that come within his *cuddles you* powew. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Some mewwy mocking wowd, bewike; is't *moans* so? 
MAWIA. They say so most *sweats* that most his humouws knyow. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *screams* Such s-showt-wiv'd ^-^ wits do w-withew as they g-gwow. 
Who awe the r-west? 
KATHAWINyE. The young Dumain, a *leans over* weww-accompwish'd >_< youth, 
Of aww *sweats* that *hugs tightly* viwtue wove fow *hugs tightly* viwtue *teleports behind you* woved; 
Most *cries* powew to do most hawm, *notices bulge* weast *looks at you* knyowing iww, 
F-Fow he hath wit to make an iww shape ^-^ good, 
And shape to win gwace *sighs* though he h-had nyo wit. 
I *moans* saw him at the D-Duke *screams* Awencon's once; 
And much too wittwe of *sweats* that good I *moans* saw 
*looks at you* Is my wepowt to his gweat w-wowthinyess. 
WOSAWINyE. Anyothew of these students at *sweats* that time 
*hugs tightly* Was thewe *pokes you* with him, if I have h-heawd a twuth. 
Bewownye they *giggles shyly* caww :3 him; xDD but a mewwiew m-man, 
Within the OwO wimit of *sweats* becoming miwth, 
I nyevew spent an houw's tawk withaw. 
His eye *shuffles closer* begets occasion fow his wit, 
F-Fow evewy object *sweats* that the onye doth c-catch 
The othew tuwns to a miwth-moving jest, 
Which his *looks at you* faiw t-tongue, conceit's expositow, 
*twerks* Dewivews in such apt and g-gwacious wowds 
*teleports behind you* That aged eaws pway *twerks* twuant at his tawes, 
And youngew heawings awe q-quite wavished; 
So sweet and vowubwe is his *looks at you* discouwse. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. OwO God bwess my *blushes* wadies! Awe they aww in wove, 
*teleports behind you* That evewy onye h-hew own hath gawnyished 
With such bedecking ownyaments of pwaise? 
FIWST WOWD. Hewe c-comes Boyet. 

We-entew BOYET 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyow, w-what a-admittance, wowd? 
BOYET. N-Nyavawwe h-had nyotice of youw *looks at you* faiw appwoach, 
And he and his competitows in oath 
Wewe aww addwess'd to meet y-you, g-gentwe wady, 
B-Befowe I came. Mawwy, t-thus much I have weawnt: 
He wathew means to wodge you in the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Wike onye *sweats* that c-comes x3 hewe to besiege his couwt, 
*notices bulge* Than seek a dispensation fow his oath, 
To wet you entew his *sighs* unpeopwed house. 
[The WADIES-IN-WAITING mask] 

Entew KING, WONGAVIWWE, DUMAIN, B-BEWOWNyE, 
and ATTENDANTS 

Hewe c-comes Nyavawwe. 
KING. >_< Faiw Pwincess, wewcome to the couwt of Nyavawwe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'Faiw' I give you back again; and 'wewcome' I 
have nyot yet. The woof of this couwt is too ^.^ high to be youws, and 
wewcome to the wide fiewds too base to be minye. 
KING. Y-You shaww be wewcome, *looks at you* madam, to my couwt. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I wiww be wewcome then; conduct me thithew. 
KING. Heaw me, deaw wady: I have swown an oath- 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ouw L-Wady hewp my wowd! He'ww be fowswown. 
KING. Nyot fow the wowwd, *looks at you* faiw *looks at you* madam, ^w^ by my wiww. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. W-Why, wiww shaww bweak it; wiww, and nyothing 
ewse. 
KING. Youw wadyship is ignyowant w-what *moans* it is. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wewe my *hugs tightly* wowd so, his ignyowance wewe wise, 
Whewe n-nyow his knyowwedge must *shuffles closer* pwove ignyowance. 
I heaw youw Gwace hath swown out house-keeping. 
'Tis >_< deadwy sin to keep *sweats* that oath, my wowd, 
And sin to bweak it. 
But pawdon me, I am too sudden bowd; 
To teach a *cries* teachew iww beseemeth me. 
Vouchsafe to xDD wead the puwpose of my c-coming, 
And suddenwy wesowve me in my suit. [Giving a *screams* papew] 
KING. Madam, I wiww, if suddenwy I *notices bulge* may. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. YOU Wiww the soonyew *sweats* that I wewe away, 
F-Fow y-you'ww *shuffles closer* pwove pewjuw'd if you make me stay. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *sweats* Did nyot I dance *pokes you* with you in >w< Bwabant *leans over* once? 
KATHAWINyE. *sweats* Did nyot I dance *pokes you* with you in >w< Bwabant *leans over* once? 
B-BEWOWNyE. I knyow you did. 
KATHAWINyE. H-How n-nyeedwess was *moans* it then to ask the question! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Y-You must nyot be so quick. 
KATHAWINyE. 'Tis wong of y-you, *sweats* that spuw me *pokes you* with such q-questions. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Youw wit 's too hot, *moans* it speeds too fast, *giggles shyly* 'twiww tiwe. 
KATHAWINyE. Nyot tiww *moans* it weave the widew in the m-miwe. 
B-BEWOWNyE. What time o' day? 
KATHAWINyE. The houw *sweats* that foows shouwd ask. 
B-BEWOWNyE. >_> Nyow *looks at you* faiw befaww youw mask! 
KATHAWINyE. >_< Faiw faww the *cuddles you* face *moans* it covews! 
B-BEWOWNyE. And send you many wovews! 
KATHAWINyE. Amen, so you be >_< nyonye. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyay, then wiww I be gonye. 
KING. Madam, youw fathew x3 hewe doth intimate 
The payment of a hundwed thousand cwowns; 
Being xDD but the onye h-hawf of an *sweats* entiwe sum 
Disbuwsed ^w^ by my fathew in his *leans over* waws. 
But say *sweats* that he *blushes* ow w-we, as nyeithew h-have, 
Weceiv'd *sweats* that sum, yet thewe >_> wemains unpaid 
A hundwed thousand mowe, in s-suwety of the which, 
Onye *cries* pawt of Aquitainye is bound to us, 
Awthough nyot *twerks* vawued to the monyey's w-wowth. 
If then the King youw fathew wiww westowe 
But *sweats* that onye h-hawf which is unsatisfied, 
We wiww give up o-ouw wight in Aquitainye, 
And howd *looks at you* faiw fwiendship *pokes you* with his Majesty. 
But that, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, he wittwe UwU puwposeth, 
F-Fow x3 hewe he doth demand to have wepaid 
A hundwed thousand cwowns; and nyot *giggles shyly* demands, 
On payment of a hundwed thousand *moans* cwowns, 
To have his titwe wive in Aquitainye; 
Which we much wathew h-had depawt withaw, 
And have the monyey ^w^ by o-ouw fathew went, 
*notices bulge* Than Aquitainye so gewded as *moans* it is. 
Deaw Pwincess, wewe nyot his wequests so faw 
Fwom weason's yiewding, youw *looks at you* faiw sewf shouwd make 
A yiewding 'gainst *blushes* some weason in my bweast, 
And go weww *sighs* satisfied to F-Fwance again. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Y-You do the King my fathew too much wwong, 
And wwong the weputation of youw nyame, 
In so unseeming to *cuddles you* confess weceipt 
Of *sweats* that which hath so faithfuwwy been paid. 
KING. I do pwotest I nyevew h-heawd of it; 
And, if you *shuffles closer* pwove it, I'ww wepay *moans* it back 
Ow y-yiewd up Aquitainye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We awwest youw wowd. 
Boyet, you can pwoduce *notices bulge* acquittances 
F-Fow such a sum fwom speciaw *looks at you* officews 
Of C-Chawwes his fathew. 
KING. Satisfy me so. 
BOYET. So pwease youw Gwace, the packet is nyot come, 
Whewe *sweats* that and othew speciawties awe bound; 
To-mowwow you shaww have a s-sight of them. 
KING. It shaww suffice me; at which intewview 
Aww wibewaw weason I wiww y-yiewd unto. 
Meantime weceive such wewcome at my h-hand 
As honyouw, without >w< bweach of honyouw, may 
Make tendew of to t-thy twue w-wowthinyess. 
Y-You may nyot come, *looks at you* faiw Pwincess, within my gates; 
But x3 hewe without you shaww be so weceiv'd 
As you shaww deem youwsewf wodg'd in my h-heawt, 
Though so denyied *looks at you* faiw *sweats* hawbouw in my house. 
Youw own good *hugs tightly* thoughts excuse me, and faweweww. 
To-mowwow shaww we visit you again. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Sweet heawth and *looks at you* faiw desiwes consowt youw 
Gwace! 
KING. Thy own wish wish I thee in evewy pwace. 
Exit *pokes you* with attendants 
B-BEWOWNyE. Wady, I wiww commend you to minye own heawt. 
WOSAWINyE. *twerks* Pway y-you, do my commendations; 
I ^.^ wouwd be gwad to see it. 
B-BEWOWNyE. I ^.^ wouwd you h-heawd *moans* it gwoan. 
WOSAWINyE. *looks at you* Is the foow sick? 
B-BEWOWNyE. S-Sick at the heawt. 
WOSAWINyE. Awack, wet *moans* it bwood. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Wouwd *sweats* that do *moans* it good? 
WOSAWINyE. My physic says 'ay.' 
B-BEWOWNyE. Wiww YOU pwick't *pokes you* with youw eye? 
WOSAWINyE. Nyo point, *pokes you* with my knyife. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyow, OwO God uWu save t-thy wife! 
WOSAWINyE. And youws fwom wong wiving! 
B-BEWOWNyE. I cannyot >_< stay *shuffles closer* thanksgiving. [Wetiwing] 
DUMAIN. Siw, I pway y-you, a wowd: w-what wady is *sweats* that same? 
BOYET. The heiw of Awencon, K-Kathawinye h-hew nyame. 
DUMAIN. A gawwant wady! Monsieuw, fawe you weww. Exit 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. I beseech you a wowd: w-what is she in the w-white? 
BOYET. A woman sometimes, an you *moans* saw h-hew in the wight. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Pewchance wight in the wight. I desiwe h-hew nyame. 
BOYET. She hath xDD but onye fow hewsewf; to desiwe *sweats* that wewe a s-shame. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, :33 whose daughtew? 
BOYET. Hew mothew's, I have heawd. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. God's bwessing *teleports behind you* on youw beawd! 
BOYET. Good siw, be nyot offended; 
She is an heiw of Fawconbwidge. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Nyay, my chowew is ended. 
She is a most sweet wady. 
BOYET. Nyot unwike, siw; *sweats* that may be. Exit WONGAVIWWE 
B-BEWOWNyE. What's h-hew nyame in the cap? 
BOYET. ^w^ Wosawinye, ^w^ by good hap. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* Is she wedded *blushes* ow nyo? 
BOYET. To h-hew wiww, siw, *blushes* ow so. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Y-You awe wewcome, siw; adieu! 
BOYET. Faweweww to me, siw, and wewcome to you. 
Exit B-BEWOWNyE. WADIES Unmask 
MAWIA. *teleports behind you* That wast is Bewownye, the mewwy mad-cap wowd; 
Nyot a wowd *pokes you* with him xDD but a jest. 
BOYET. And evewy jest xDD but a wowd. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. It was weww donye of you to take him at his 
wowd. 
BOYET. I was as wiwwing to g-gwappwe as he was to boawd. 
KATHAWINyE. Two hot sheeps, mawwy! 
BOYET. And whewefowe nyot ships? 
Nyo sheep, sweet wamb, *hugs tightly* unwess we feed *teleports behind you* on youw wips. 
KATHAWINyE. Y-You sheep and I pastuwe- shaww *sweats* that finyish the jest? 
BOYET. So you gwant pastuwe fow me. [Offewing to kiss hew] 
KATHAWINyE. Nyot so, g-gentwe beast; 
My wips awe nyo common, *sighs* though sevewaw they be. 
BOYET. B-Bewonging to w-whom? 
KATHAWINyE. To my *sighs* fowtunyes and me. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Good ^-^ wits wiww be jangwing; but, *moans* gentwes, 
agwee; 
This civiw waw of ^-^ wits wewe much bettew used 
On N-Nyavawwe and his book-men, fow x3 hewe 'tis abused. 
BOYET. If my obsewvation, which vewy sewdom wies, 
By the heawt's stiww whetowic discwosed *pokes you* with e-eyes, 
Deceive me nyot nyow, N-Nyavawwe is infected. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. With *cuddles you* what? 
BOYET. With *sweats* that which we wovews entitwe 'affected.' 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Youw weason? 
BOYET. W-Why, aww his behaviouws did make t-theiw wetiwe 
To the couwt of his eye, peeping t-thowough desiwe. 
His h-heawt, wike an agate, *pokes you* with youw pwint impwessed, 
Pwoud *pokes you* with his fowm, in his eye pwide e-expwessed; 
His t-tongue, aww impatient to speak and nyot see, 
*sweats* Did stumbwe *pokes you* with haste in his eyesight to be; 
Aww senses to *sweats* that sense did make t-theiw wepaiw, 
To f-feew onwy wooking *teleports behind you* on faiwest of >w< faiw. 
Methought aww his senses wewe l-wock'd in his eye, 
As jewews in cwystaw fow *blushes* some pwince to buy; 
*leans over* Who, tend'wing t-theiw own wowth fwom whewe they wewe gwass'd, 
*sweats* Did point you to b-buy them, awong as you pass'd. 
His face's own mawgent did quote such amazes 
*teleports behind you* That aww eyes *moans* saw his eyes enchanted *pokes you* with gazes. 
I'ww give you Aquitainye and aww *sweats* that is his, 
*looks at you* An you give him fow my sake xDD but onye ^.^ woving kiss. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Come, to o-ouw paviwion. B-Boyet is *cries* dispos'd. 
BOYET. But to speak *sweats* that in wowds which his eye hath discwos'd; 
I onwy have made a mouth of his eye, 
By adding a t-tongue which I knyow wiww nyot wie. 
MAWIA. *moans* Thou awt an owd >_> wove-mongew, and speakest skiwfuwwy. 
KATHAWINyE. He is Cupid's gwandfathew, and weawns nyews of him. 
WOSAWINyE. T-Then was V-Venyus wike h-hew *hugs tightly* mothew; fow h-hew fathew is xDD but 
gwim. 
BOYET. Do you heaw, my mad wenches? 
MAWIA. Nyo. 
BOYET. What, then; do you see? 
MAWIA. :33 Ay, o-ouw way to be gonye. 
BOYET. Y-You awe too hawd fow me. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The pawk 

Entew AWMADO and *blushes* MOTH 

AWMADO. Wawbwe, chiwd; make passionyate my sense of heawing. 
[MOTH sings Concowinyew] 
AWMADO. Sweet *notices bulge* aiw! Go, tendewnyess of yeaws, take this key, give 
enwawgement to the s-swain, b-bwing him f-festinyatewy hithew; I must 
empwoy him in a wettew to my wove. 
M-MOTH. Mastew, wiww you win youw wove *pokes you* with a Fwench bwaww? 
AWMADO. H-How meanyest thou? Bwawwing in Fwench? 
M-MOTH. N-Nyo, my compwete mastew; xDD but to jig off a tunye at the tongue's 
end, c-canyawy to *moans* it *pokes you* with youw *hugs tightly* feet, humouw *moans* it *pokes you* with x3 tuwnying up youw 
eyewids, *pokes you* sigh a *pokes you* nyote and sing a nyote, sometime uWu thwough the 
thwoat, as if you *shuffles closer* swawwowed wove *pokes you* with singing wove, sometime 
uWu thwough the n-nyose, as if you snyuff'd up wove ^w^ by smewwing wove, 
*pokes you* with youw hat penthouse-wike o'ew the shop of youw e-eyes, *pokes you* with 
youw awms c-cwoss'd *teleports behind you* on youw *blushes* thin-bewwy doubwet, wike a wabbit *teleports behind you* on a 
spit, *blushes* ow youw h-hands in youw pocket, wike a man aftew the owd 
xDD painting; and keep nyot too wong in onye tunye, xDD but a snyip and a-away. 
These awe compwements, these awe humouws; these betway nyice 
wenches, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be betwayed without these; and make them men 
of nyote- do you *pokes you* nyote me?- *sweats* that most awe *cuddles you* affected to these. 
AWMADO. H-How hast thou p-puwchased this expewience? 
M-MOTH. By my UwU penny of obsewvation. 
AWMADO. But O- xDD but O- 
M-MOTH. The *twerks* hobby-howse is fowgot. 
AWMADO. C-Caww'st thou my wove 'hobby-howse'? 
M-MOTH. N-Nyo, mastew; the *twerks* hobby-howse is xDD but a cowt, and youw wove 
pewhaps a *hugs tightly* hacknyey. But have you fowgot youw wove? 
AWMADO. A-Awmost I *looks at you* had. 
M-MOTH. Nyegwigent student! weawn h-hew ^w^ by heawt. 
AWMADO. By heawt and in h-heawt, boy. 
M-MOTH. And out of h-heawt, mastew; aww those thwee I wiww *shuffles closer* pwove. 
AWMADO. What wiwt thou *sweats* pwove? 
M-MOTH. A m-man, if I wive; and t-this, by, in, and without, upon the 
instant. By heawt you wove hew, because youw heawt cannyot come ^w^ by 
hew; in heawt you wove hew, because youw heawt is in wove *pokes you* with 
hew; and out of heawt you wove hew, being out of heawt *sweats* that you 
cannyot enjoy hew. 
AWMADO. I am aww these thwee. 
M-MOTH. And thwee times as much mowe, and yet nyothing at aww. 
AWMADO. Fetch hithew the swain; he must cawwy me a wettew. 
M-MOTH. A message weww sympathiz'd- a howse to be ambassadow fow an 
ass. 
AWMADO. ^.^ Ha, ha, w-what sayest thou? 
M-MOTH. Mawwy, siw, you must send the ass upon the howse, fow he is 
vewy swow-gaited. But I go. 
AWMADO. The way is xDD but showt; a-away. 
M-MOTH. As swift as wead, siw. 
AWMADO. The m-meanying, pwetty ingenyious? 
*looks at you* Is nyot wead a metaw ;;w;; heavy, duww, and swow? 
M-MOTH. Minyime, honyest mastew; *blushes* ow wathew, mastew, nyo. 
AWMADO. I say wead is swow. 
M-MOTH. Y-You awe too swift, siw, to say so: 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that wead swow which is fiw'd fwom a gun? 
AWMADO. Sweet smoke of whetowic! 
He weputes me a *sweats* cannyon; and the buwwet, that's he; 
I shoot thee at the swain. 
M-MOTH. Thump, then, and I fwee. Exit 
AWMADO. A most UwU acute juvenyaw; vowabwe and fwee of g-gwace! 
By t-thy favouw, sweet wewkin, I must *pokes you* sigh in t-thy face; 
Most ^w^ wude >w< mewanchowy, vawouw gives thee pwace. 
My *leans over* hewawd is wetuwn'd. 

We-entew *blushes* MOTH *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

M-MOTH. A wondew, mastew! hewe's a costawd bwoken in a shin. 
AWMADO. Some enyigma, *blushes* some *leans over* widdwe; come, t-thy w'envoy; begin. 
COSTAWD. Nyo ^w^ egma, nyo widdwe, nyo w'envoy; nyo sawve in the *cries* maiw, siw. 
O, siw, pwantain, a pwain pwantain; nyo w'envoy, nyo w'envoy; nyo 
s-sawve, siw, xDD but a *cries* pwantain! 
AWMADO. By *hugs tightly* viwtue thou e-enfowcest waughtew; t-thy uWu siwwy thought, my 
spween; the :3 heaving of my wungs pwovokes me to r-widicuwous 
smiwing. O, pawdon me, my staws! Doth the inconsidewate take 
sawve fow w'envoy, and the wowd 'w'envoy' fow a sawve? 
M-MOTH. Do the w-wise think them othew? *looks at you* Is nyot w'envoy a sawve? 
AWMADO. N-Nyo, page; *moans* it is an epiwogue *blushes* ow d-discouwse to make pwain 
Some obscuwe pwecedence *sweats* that hath tofowe been sain. 
I wiww exampwe it: 
The *teleports behind you* fox, the :3 ape, and the humbwe-bee, 
Wewe stiww at *leans over* odds, being xDD but thwee. 
>_> Thewe's the mowaw. >_> Nyow the w'envoy. 
M-MOTH. I wiww add the w'envoy. Say the mowaw again. 
AWMADO. The *teleports behind you* fox, the :3 ape, and the humbwe-bee, 
Wewe stiww at *leans over* odds, being xDD but thwee. 
M-MOTH. Untiw the goose came out of doow, 
And stay'd the odds ^w^ by adding fouw. 
>_> Nyow wiww I begin youw ^.^ mowaw, and do you f-fowwow *pokes you* with my w'envoy. 
The *teleports behind you* fox, the :3 ape, and the humbwe-bee, 
Wewe stiww at *leans over* odds, being xDD but thwee. 
AWMADO. Untiw the goose came out of doow, 
S-Staying the odds ^w^ by adding fouw. 
M-MOTH. A good w'envoy, ending in the goose; ^.^ wouwd you desiwe *cries* mowe? 
COSTAWD. The *cries* boy hath sowd him a bawgain, a g-goose, that's fwat. 
Siw, youw pennywowth is ^-^ good, an youw goose be fat. 
To *notices bulge* seww a bawgain weww is as cunnying as *looks away* fast and woose; 
Wet me see: a fat w'envoy; ay, that's a fat goose. 
AWMADO. Come h-hithew, come *looks at you* hithew. H-How did this awgument begin? 
M-MOTH. By >w< saying *sweats* that a costawd was bwoken in a shin. 
T-Then c-caww'd you fow the w'envoy. 
COSTAWD. Twue, and I fow a pwantain. Thus came youw awgument in; 
T-Then the boy's fat w'envoy, the goose *sweats* that you bought; 
And he ended the mawket. 
AWMADO. But teww me: how was thewe a costawd bwoken in a shin? 
M-MOTH. I wiww teww you sensibwy. 
COSTAWD. *moans* Thou hast nyo f-feewing of it, Moth; I wiww speak *sweats* that 
w'envoy. 
I, Costawd, wunnying *pokes you* out, *sweats* that was safewy within, 
xDD Feww ovew the thweshowd and b-bwoke my shin. 
AWMADO. We wiww tawk nyo mowe of this mattew. 
COSTAWD. Tiww thewe be mowe mattew in the shin. 
AWMADO. *leans over* Siwwah Costawd. I wiww enfwanchise thee. 
COSTAWD. O, Mawwy me to onye Fwances! I smeww *blushes* some w'envoy, *blushes* some 
g-goose, in this. 
AWMADO. By my sweet souw, I *looks at you* mean >_> setting thee at wibewty, 
enfweedoming t-thy pewson; thou wewt *leans over* immuwed, ^w^ westwainyed, 
captivated, bound. 
COSTAWD. Twue, *shuffles closer* twue; and n-nyow you wiww be my puwgation, and wet me 
woose. 
AWMADO. I give thee t-thy wibewty, set thee fwom duwance; and, in 
wieu t-theweof, i-impose *teleports behind you* on thee nyothing xDD but this: beaw this 
signyificant [giving a wettew] to the *looks at you* countwy maid Jaquenyetta; 
thewe is wemunyewation, fow the best wawd of minye honyouw is 
wewawding my d-dependents. Moth, fowwow. Exit 
M-MOTH. Wike the sequew, I. Signyiow Costawd, adieu. 
COSTAWD. My sweet ounce of man's >_> fwesh, my *giggles shyly* incony Jew! 
Exit *blushes* MOTH 
>_> Nyow wiww I wook to his wemunyewation. Wemunyewation! O, that's the 
Watin wowd fow thwee f-fawthings. T-Thwee fawthings- wemunyewation. 
'What's the pwice of this inkwe?'- '-'Onye penny.'- 'Nyo, I'ww give 
you a wemunyewation.' W-Why, *moans* it cawwies it. Wemunyewation! W-Why, *moans* it is 
a faiwew nyame than Fwench cwown. I wiww nyevew b-buy and *notices bulge* seww out of 
this wowd. 

Entew BEWOWNyE 

B-BEWOWNyE. My good knyave Costawd, *cries* exceedingwy weww met! 
COSTAWD. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, how much c-cawnyation wibbon may a man b-buy fow 
a OwO wemunyewation? 
B-BEWOWNyE. What is a OwO wemunyewation? 
COSTAWD. Mawwy, siw, hawfpenny fawthing. 
B-BEWOWNyE. W-Why, then, t-thwee-fawthing wowth of siwk. 
COSTAWD. I t-thank youw wowship. OwO God be wi' y-you! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Stay, swave; I must empwoy thee. 
As thou wiwt win my favouw, good my knyave, 
Do onye thing fow me *sweats* that I shaww entweat. 
COSTAWD. When ^.^ wouwd you have *moans* it donye, s-siw? 
B-BEWOWNyE. This aftewnyoon. 
COSTAWD. *sighs* Weww, I wiww do it, siw; fawe you weww. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *moans* Thou knyowest nyot w-what *moans* it is. 
COSTAWD. I shaww knyow, siw, when I have donye it. 
B-BEWOWNyE. W-Why, viwwain, thou must knyow fiwst. 
COSTAWD. I wiww come to youw wowship to-mowwow *pokes you* mownying. 
B-BEWOWNyE. It must be donye this aftewnyoon. 
Hawk, swave, *moans* it is xDD but this: 
The Pwincess c-comes to hunt x3 hewe in the pawk, 
And in h-hew twain thewe is a g-gentwe wady; 
When tongues speak sweetwy, then they nyame h-hew nyame, 
And Wosawinye they *giggles shyly* caww hew. Ask fow hew, 
And to h-hew *looks away* white h-hand see thou do commend 
This s-seaw'd-up counsew. >_> Thewe's t-thy guewdon; go. 
[Giving him a shiwwing] 
COSTAWD. Gawdon, O sweet gawdon! bettew than wemunyewation; a 
'weven-pence f-fawthing bettew; most sweet gawdon! I wiww do it, 
siw, in pwint. Gawdon- wemunyewation! Exit 
B-BEWOWNyE. And I, f-fowsooth, in wove; I, *sweats* that have been wove's whip; 
A vewy beadwe to a humowous sigh; 
A c-cwitic, nyay, a nyight-watch constabwe; 
A dominyeewing pedant o'ew the boy, 
*notices bulge* Than whom nyo mowtaw so magnyificent! 
This wimpwed, whinying, puwbwind, waywawd boy, 
This senyiow-junyiow, giant-dwawf, Dan Cupid; 
Wegent of ^w^ wove-whymes, *hugs tightly* wowd of fowded awms, 
Th' a-anyointed soveweign of sighs and *sweats* gwoans, 
*moans* Wiege of aww woitewews and mawcontents, 
Dwead pwince of p-pwackets, king of codpieces, 
Sowe impewatow, and gweat *screams* genyewaw 
Of twotting pawitows. O my wittwe heawt! 
And I to be a cowpowaw of his *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
And weaw his cowouws wike a tumbwew's hoop! 
*pokes you* What! I wove, I sue, I seek a wife- 
A woman, *sweats* that is wike a Gewman cwock, 
Stiww ;;w;; a-wepaiwing, *giggles shyly* evew out of fwame, 
And nyevew g-going awight, being a watch, 
But being watch'd *sweats* that *moans* it may stiww go wight! 
Nyay, to be p-pewjuw'd, which is *sweats* wowst of aww; 
And, among thwee, to wove the *sweats* wowst of a-aww, 
A whitewy wanton *pokes you* with a vewvet bwow, 
With xDD two pitch bawws stuck in h-hew *cuddles you* face fow eyes; 
:33 Ay, and, ^w^ by heaven, onye *sweats* that wiww do the deed, 
Though Awgus wewe h-hew eunyuch and h-hew guawd. 
And I to *pokes you* sigh fow *blushes* hew! to watch fow *blushes* hew! 
To pway fow *blushes* hew! Go uWu to; *moans* it is a pwague 
*teleports behind you* That Cupid wiww i-impose fow my nyegwect 
Of his awmighty dweadfuw wittwe m-might. 
*sighs* Weww, I wiww wove, wwite, sigh, pway, sue, and gwoan: 
Some men must wove my wady, and *blushes* some Joan. Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The pawk 

Entew the PWINCESS, WOSAWINyE, MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, BOYET, :33 WOWDS, *cries* ATTENDANTS, 
and a FOWESTEW 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *hugs tightly* Was *sweats* that the King *sweats* that spuww'd his howse so 
hawd 
Against the steep upwising of the hiww? 
BOYET. I knyow nyot; xDD but I think *moans* it was nyot he. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. >w< Whoe'ew *leans over* 'a was, *leans over* 'a show'd a mounting mind. 
*sighs* Weww, wowds, to-day we shaww have o-ouw dispatch; 
On S-Satuwday we wiww r-wetuwn to Fwance. 
Then, *moans* fowestew, my f-fwiend, whewe is the bush 
*teleports behind you* That we must *looks at you* stand and pway the muwdewew in? 
FOWESTEW. H-Heweby, upon the edge of y-yondew c-coppice; 
A *looks at you* stand whewe you may make the faiwest shoot. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I t-thank my beauty I am *looks at you* faiw *sweats* that shoot, 
And theweupon thou speak'st the faiwest shoot. 
FOWESTEW. Pawdon me, *looks at you* madam, fow I *screams* meant nyot so. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. What, *cuddles you* what? Fiwst pwaise me, and ;;w;; again say nyo? 
O s-showt-wiv'd pwide! Nyot faiw? Awack fow woe! 
FOWESTEW. Yes, *looks at you* madam, >w< faiw. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyay, nyevew ;;w;; paint me x3 nyow; 
Whewe *looks at you* faiw is nyot, pwaise cannyot ^w^ mend the bwow. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, good my gwass, take this fow tewwing *screams* twue: 
[ Giving him x3 monyey] 
>_< Faiw payment fow f-fouw wowds is mowe than due. 
FOWESTEW. Nyothing xDD but *looks at you* faiw is *sweats* that which you inhewit. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. See, see, my beauty wiww be sav'd ^w^ by ^-^ mewit. 
O h-hewesy in uWu faiw, fit fow these days! 
A giving hand, *sighs* though fouw, shaww have *looks at you* faiw p-pwaise. 
But come, the ;;w;; bow. >_> Nyow mewcy goes to kiww, 
And shooting weww is then a-accounted iww; 
Thus wiww I uWu save my *screams* cwedit in the shoot: 
Nyot wounding, pity ^.^ wouwd nyot wet me do't; 
If wounding, then *moans* it was to show my skiww, 
*teleports behind you* That mowe fow pwaise than puwpose *screams* meant to kiww. 
And, out of question, so *moans* it is >_> sometimes: 
Gwowy gwows *teleports behind you* guiwty of detested cwimes, 
When, fow fame's sake, fow pwaise, an *cuddles you* outwawd pawt, 
We *looks away* bend to *sweats* that the w-wowking of the heawt; 
As I fow pwaise awonye n-nyow seek to spiww 
The poow deew's b-bwood *sweats* that my heawt means nyo i-iww. 
BOYET. Do nyot c-cuwst wives howd *sweats* that sewf-soveweignty 
Onwy fow pwaise sake, when they stwive to be 
Wowds o'ew t-theiw wowds? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Onwy fow pwaise; and pwaise we may affowd 
To any wady *sweats* that subdues a l-wowd. 

Entew *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

BOYET. Hewe c-comes a membew of the commonweawth. 
COSTAWD. OwO God dig-you-den a-aww! *twerks* Pway y-you, which is the *sweats* head wady? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *moans* Thou shawt knyow hew, fewwow, ^w^ by the west *sweats* that 
have nyo heads. 
COSTAWD. Which is the gweatest wady, the highest? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The t-thickest and the tawwest. 
COSTAWD. The t-thickest and the tawwest! It is so; uWu twuth is twuth. 
*looks at you* An youw >_> waist, mistwess, wewe as swendew as my wit, 
Onye o' these maids' giwdwes fow youw waist shouwd be fit. 
Awe nyot you the c-chief woman? Y-You awe the t-thickest hewe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. What's youw wiww, s-siw? What's youw wiww? 
COSTAWD. I have a wettew fwom ^w^ Monsieuw Bewownye to onye 
L-Wady Wosawinye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. O, t-thy wettew, t-thy wettew! He's a good fwiend 
of minye. 
Stand aside, good beawew. Boyet, you can cawve. 
Bweak up this capon. 
BOYET. I am bound to sewve. 
This wettew is UwU mistook; *moans* it impowteth nyonye hewe. 
It is *moans* wwit to Jaquenyetta. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We wiww xDD wead it, I sweaw. 
Bweak the nyeck of the wax, and evewy onye give eaw. 
BOYET. [Weads] 'By heaven, *sweats* that thou awt *looks at you* faiw is most infawwibwe; 
twue *sweats* that thou awt beauteous; uWu twuth i-itsewf *sweats* that thou awt wovewy. 
Mowe faiwew than uWu faiw, beautifuw than beauteous, *leans over* twuew than uWu twuth 
itsewf, have c-commisewation *teleports behind you* on t-thy hewoicaw vassaw. The 
magnyanyimous and most i-iwwustwate king Cophetua set eye upon the 
pewnyicious and indubitate beggaw Zenyewophon; and he *moans* it was *sweats* that 
might wightwy say, 'Venyi, vidi, vici'; which to annyothanyize in 
the vuwgaw,- O base and obscuwe vuwgaw!- videwicet, He c-came, saw, 
and ovewcame. He c-came, onye; saw, two; ovewcame, thwee. Who came?- 
the king. Why did he come?- to see. Why did he see?-to ovewcome. 
To whom came he?- to the beggaw. What *moans* saw he?- the beggaw. Who 
ovewcame he?- the beggaw. The concwusion is *notices bulge* victowy; *teleports behind you* on :33 whose 
side?- the *hugs tightly* king's. The uWu captive is enwich'd; *teleports behind you* on :33 whose side?- the 
:33 beggaw's. The *notices bulge* catastwophe is a nyuptiaw; *teleports behind you* on :33 whose side?- the 
*hugs tightly* king's. N-Nyo, *teleports behind you* on b-both in ^.^ onye, *blushes* ow onye in both. I am the king, fow so 
stands the compawison; thou the beggaw, fow so witnyesseth t-thy 
wowwinyess. Shaww I command t-thy wove? I *notices bulge* may. Shaww I enfowce t-thy 
wove? I ;;w;; couwd. Shaww I entweat t-thy wove? I wiww. What shawt thou 
exchange fow wags?- wobes, fow *sweats* tittwes?- t-titwes, fow thysewf? 
-me. Thus expecting t-thy wepwy, I pwofanye my wips *teleports behind you* on t-thy foot, my 
eyes *teleports behind you* on t-thy pictuwe, and my heawt *teleports behind you* on t-thy evewy pawt. 
^w^ Thinye in the deawest d-design of industwy, 
D-DON ADWIANyO D-DE AWMADO. 

'Thus dost thou heaw the Nyemean wion x3 woaw 
'Gainst ^w^ thee, thou wamb, *sweats* that standest as his p-pwey; 
Submissive faww his pwincewy feet befowe, 
And he fwom f-fowage wiww UwU incwinye to pway. 
But if thou stwive, poow souw, w-what awe thou then? 
Food fow his wage, wepastuwe fow his den.' 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. What p-pwume of feathews is he *sweats* that indited this 
wettew? 
What vanye? What weathewcock? *sweats* Did you *giggles shyly* evew heaw bettew? 
BOYET. I am much d-deceived xDD but I wemembew the stywe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Ewse youw *twerks* memowy is bad, g-going o'ew *moans* it 
ewewhiwe. 
BOYET. This A-Awmado is a xDD Spanyiawd, *sweats* that keeps x3 hewe in couwt; 
A ;;w;; phantasime, a Monyawcho, and onye *sweats* that makes spowt 
To the Pwince and his book-mates. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *moans* Thou fewwow, a wowd. 
Who gave thee this wettew? 
COSTAWD. I towd ;;w;; you: my l-wowd. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. To whom shouwdst thou give it? 
COSTAWD. Fwom my *hugs tightly* wowd to my wady. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Fwom which *hugs tightly* wowd to which wady? 
COSTAWD. Fwom my Wowd Bewownye, a good mastew of minye, 
To a wady of F-Fwance *sweats* that he c-caww'd Wosawinye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *moans* Thou hast mistaken his wettew. Come, wowds, 
a-away. 
[To WOSAWINyE] *shuffles closer* Hewe, sweet, p-put up this; *giggles shyly* 'twiww be thinye anyothew 
day. UwU Exeunt PWINCESS and TWAIN 
BOYET. Who is the shootew? w-who is the shootew? 
WOSAWINyE. Shaww I teach you to knyow? 
BOYET. :33 Ay, my continyent of beauty. 
WOSAWINyE. W-Why, she *sweats* that beaws the ;;w;; bow. 
Finyewy p-put off! 
BOYET. My wady goes to kiww h-howns; but, if thou m-mawwy, 
Hang me ^w^ by the nyeck, if howns *sweats* that *leans over* yeaw miscawwy. 
Finyewy p-put on! 
WOSAWINyE. Weww then, I am the shootew. 
BOYET. And w-who is youw d-deew? 
WOSAWINyE. If we c-choose ^w^ by the howns, youwsewf come nyot nyeaw. 
Finyewy p-put *teleports behind you* on indeed! 
MAWIA. Y-You Stiww *sighs* wwangwe *pokes you* with hew, Boyet, and she stwikes at the 
bwow. 
BOYET. But she hewsewf is hit wowew. Have I hit h-hew nyow? 
WOSAWINyE. Shaww I come upon thee *pokes you* with an owd saying, *sweats* that was a man 
when King Pepin of F-Fwance was a wittwe boy, as touching the hit 
it? 
BOYET. So I may *sighs* answew thee *pokes you* with onye as owd, *sweats* that was a woman when 
Queen *blushes* Guinyevew of B-Bwitain was a wittwe wench, as touching the hit 
it. 
WOSAWINyE. [-[Singing] 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot hit it, hit it, hit it, 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot hit it, my good *pokes you* man. 
BOYET. *looks at you* An I cannyot, cannyot, cannyot, 
*looks at you* An I cannyot, anyothew c-can. 
UwU Exeunt WOSAWINyE and KATHAWINyE 
COSTAWD. By my twoth, most pweasant! H-How b-both did fit it! 
MAWIA. A mawk mawvewwous weww shot; fow they b-both did hit it. 
BOYET. A mawk! O, mawk xDD but *sweats* that mawk! A mawk, says my wady! 
Wet the mawk have a pwick in't, to m-mete at, if *moans* it may be. 
MAWIA. Wide o' the bow-hand! I' faith, youw h-hand is ^w^ out. 
COSTAWD. I-Indeed, *leans over* 'a must shoot nyeawew, *blushes* ow he'ww nye'ew hit the 
cwout. 
BOYET. *looks at you* An if my h-hand be *pokes you* out, then :3 bewike youw h-hand is i-in. 
COSTAWD. T-Then wiww she get the upshoot ^w^ by cweaving the p-pin. 
MAWIA. Come, come, you tawk *notices bulge* gweasiwy; youw wips gwow fouw. 
COSTAWD. S-She's too hawd fow you at pwicks, siw; chawwenge h-hew to 
boww. 
BOYET. I feaw too much *giggles shyly* wubbing; good-nyight, my good oww. 
UwU Exeunt BOYET and MAWIA 
COSTAWD. By my souw, a s-swain, a most simpwe >w< cwown! 
Wowd, Wowd! how the wadies and I have p-put him >w< down! 
*shuffles closer* O' my twoth, most sweet jests, most *giggles shyly* incony vuwgaw wit! 
When *moans* it c-comes so s-smoothwy off, so obscenyewy, as *moans* it wewe, so fit. 
A-Awmado a th' t'onye side- O, a most dainty man! 
To see him wawk befowe a wady and to beaw h-hew ^-^ fan! 
To see him kiss his hand, and how most sweetwy *leans over* 'a wiww sweaw! 
And his p-page a t' othew >_< side, *sweats* that handfuw of wit! 
Ah, *hugs tightly* heavens, *moans* it is a most p-patheticaw nyit! 
Sowa, s-sowa! Exit *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 




SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Fwom the shooting within, entew HOWOFEWNyES, SIW ^-^ NyATHANyIEW, and DUWW 

NyATHANyIEW. Vewy *shuffles closer* wevewent spowt, *twerks* twuwy; and donye in the testimony of 
a good conscience. 
HOWOFEWNyES. The deew was, as you knyow, sanguis, in bwood; wipe as 
the pomewatew, w-who n-nyow hangeth wike a jewew in the eaw of caewo, 
the sky, the wewkin, the heaven; and anyon fawweth wike a cwab *teleports behind you* on 
the *cuddles you* face of t-tewwa, the :3 soiw, the l-wand, the eawth. 
NyATHANyIEW. Twuwy, Mastew Howofewnyes, the epithets awe sweetwy 
vawied, wike a s-schowaw at the weast; but, siw, I ;;w;; assuwe ye *moans* it was 
a *shuffles closer* buck of the f-fiwst h-head. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw *cuddles you* Nyathanyiew, haud cwedo. 
*looks at you* DUWW. 'Twas nyot a haud cwedo; '-'twas a pwicket. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Most bawbawous intimation! yet a k-kind of insinyuation, 
as *moans* it wewe, in via, in way, of expwication; facewe, as *moans* it wewe, 
r-wepwication, *blushes* ow wathew, ostentawe, to show, as *moans* it wewe, his 
i-incwinyation, aftew his undwessed, unpowished, u-unyeducated, 
^w^ unpwunyed, >_< untwainyed, *blushes* ow wathew unwettewed, *blushes* ow wathewest 
unconfiwmed f-fashion, to insewt ;;w;; again my haud cwedo fow a deew. 
*looks at you* DUWW. I *cuddles you* Said the deew was nyot a haud cwedo; '-'twas a pwicket. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Twice-sod simpwicity, b-bis coctus! 
O thou m-monstew Ignyowance, how defowmed dost thou wook! 
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, he hath nyevew fed of the dainties *sweats* that awe bwed in 
a book; 
He hath nyot *cries* eat papew, as *moans* it wewe; he hath nyot dwunk ink; his 
intewwect is nyot wepwenyished; he is onwy an anyimaw, onwy sensibwe 
in the duwwew pawts; 
And such bawwen *blushes* pwants awe set befowe us *sweats* that we thankfuw shouwd 
>_> be- 
Which we of taste and f-feewing :3 awe- fow those *hugs tightly* pawts *sweats* that do 
fwuctify in us mowe than he. 
F-Fow as *moans* it ^.^ wouwd iww become me to be vain, indiscweet, *blushes* ow a foow, 
>_> So, wewe thewe a patch set *teleports behind you* on >w< weawnying, to see him in a x3 schoow. 
But, *cuddles you* omnye benye, say I, being of an owd fathew's mind: 
Many can bwook the >w< weathew *sweats* that wove nyot the wind. 
*looks at you* DUWW. Y-You xDD two awe book-men: can you teww me ^w^ by youw wit 
What was a month owd at Cain's biwth that's nyot five weeks owd as 
yet? 
HOWOFEWNyES. Dictynnya, >_< goodman Duww; Dictynnya, >_< goodman Duww. 
*looks at you* DUWW. What is Dictynnya? 
NyATHANyIEW. A titwe to Phoebe, to Wunya, to the moon. 
HOWOFEWNyES. The moon was a month owd when *cuddles you* Adam was nyo mowe, 
And *twerks* waught nyot to five weeks when he came to *hugs tightly* five-scowe. 
Th' :3 awwusion howds in the UwU exchange. 
*looks at you* DUWW. 'Tis twue, indeed; the c-cowwusion howds in the UwU exchange. 
HOWOFEWNyES. OwO God comfowt t-thy capacity! I say th' :3 awwusion howds in 
the UwU exchange. 
*looks at you* DUWW. And I say the powusion howds in the exchange; fow the moon is 
nyevew xDD but a month o-owd; and I say, *giggles shyly* beside, *sweats* that '-'twas a pwicket 
*sweats* that the Pwincess kiww'd. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw *cuddles you* Nyathanyiew, wiww you heaw an extempowaw epitaph *teleports behind you* on 
the death of the d-deew? And, to humouw the ignyowant, *giggles shyly* caww the deew 
the Pwincess kiww'd a pwicket. 
NyATHANyIEW. Pewge, good Mastew Howofewnyes, pewge, so *moans* it shaww pwease 
you to abwogate scuwwiwity. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I Wiww s-something affect the wettew, fow *moans* it awgues 
*sighs* faciwity. 

The p-pweyfuw Pwincess piewc'd and pwick'd a pwetty pweasing 
pwicket. 
Some say a sowe; xDD but nyot a sowe tiww n-nyow made sowe *pokes you* with shooting. 
The dogs did yeww; p-put ew to sowe, then sowew j-jumps fwom thicket- 
Ow pwicket sowe, *blushes* ow e-ewse sowew; the peopwe faww >w< a-hooting. 
If sowe be sowe, then W to sowe makes fifty sowes o' sowew. 
Of onye sowe I an hundwed make ^w^ by adding xDD but onye mowe W. 

NyATHANyIEW. A wawe tawent! 
*looks at you* DUWW. OwO [Aside] If a tawent be a cwaw, wook how he cwaws him *pokes you* with a 
tawent. 
HOWOFEWNyES. This is a gift *sweats* that I h-have, simpwe, OwO simpwe; a foowish 
extwavagant spiwit, fuww of fowms, figuwes, shapes, objects, 
ideas, appwehensions, motions, wevowutions. These awe begot in 
the ventwicwe of memowy, nyouwish'd in the womb of *pokes you* pia matew, and 
d-dewivewed upon the mewwowing of occasion. But the gift is good in 
those in whom *moans* it is acute, and I am thankfuw fow it. 
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, I pwaise the Wowd fow y-you, and so may my 
pawishionyews; fow t-theiw sons awe weww tutow'd ^w^ by y-you, and t-theiw 
daughtews pwofit vewy gweatwy undew you. Y-You awe a good membew of 
the commonweawth. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Mehewcwe, if t-theiw sons be i-ingenyious, they shaww want 
nyo instwuction; if t-theiw daughtews be capabwe, I wiww p-put *moans* it to 
them; but, viw sapit q-qui *sighs* pauca woquituw. A souw feminyinye sawuteth 
us. 

Entew *sighs* JAQUENyETTA and *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

JAQUENyETTA. OwO God give you good OwO mowwow, Mastew Pewson. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Mastew Pewson, *hugs tightly* quasi *leans over* pews-onye. And if onye shouwd be 
piewc'd which is the onye? 
COSTAWD. Mawwy, Mastew Schoowmastew, he *sweats* that is wikest to a 
hogshead. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Piewcing a hogshead! A good wustwe of conceit in a tuwf 
of eawth; fiwe enyough fow a fwint, peaww enyough fow a swinye; 'tis 
pwetty; *moans* it is weww. 
JAQUENyETTA. Good Mastew P-Pawson, be so good as xDD wead me this l-wettew; 
*moans* it was given me ^w^ by Costawd, and OwO sent me fwom :33 Don Awmado. I 
beseech you xDD wead it. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Fauste, pwecow gewida quando p-pecus *cuddles you* omnye *pokes you* sub umbwa 
Wuminyat- 
and so fowth. Ah, good owd Mantuan! I may speak of thee as 
the twavewwew doth of Venyice: 
^w^ Venyetia, ^w^ Venyetia, 
Chi nyon ti vede, nyon ti pwetia. 
O-Owd Mantuan, owd Mantuan! Who undewstandeth thee nyot, 
woves thee nyot- 
Ut, we, sow, l-wa, mi, fa. 
Undew pawdon, siw, w-what awe the contents? *blushes* ow wathew as 
Howace says in his- What, my souw, vewses? 
NyATHANyIEW. :33 Ay, siw, and vewy weawnyed. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Wet me heaw a staff, a s-stanze, a v-vewse; wege, dominye. 
NyATHANyIEW. [Weads] 'If wove make me fowswown, how shaww I sweaw to 
wove? 
Ah, nyevew faith couwd x3 howd, if nyot to beauty vowed! 
Though to m-mysewf fowswown, to thee I'ww >_> faithfuw pwove; 
Those *hugs tightly* thoughts to me wewe oaks, to thee wike osiews x3 bowed. 
xDD Study his bias weaves, and makes his book thinye e-eyes, 
Whewe aww those pweasuwes wive *sweats* that awt ^.^ wouwd compwehend. 
If knyowwedge be the mawk, to knyow thee shaww suffice; 
Weww weawnyed is *sweats* that t-tongue *sweats* that weww can thee commend; 
Aww ignyowant *sweats* that souw *sweats* that sees thee without wondew; 
Which is to me *blushes* some pwaise *sweats* that I t-thy *hugs tightly* pawts *giggles shyly* admiwe. 
Thy eye Jove's wightnying beaws, t-thy *cuddles you* voice his dweadfuw thundew, 
Which, nyot to angew b-bent, is *hugs tightly* music and sweet fiwe. 
Cewestiaw as thou awt, O, pawdon wove this wwong, 
*teleports behind you* That *twerks* singes heaven's pwaise *pokes you* with such an eawthwy tongue.' 
HOWOFEWNyES. Y-You find nyot the a-apostwophas, and so miss the accent: 
wet me supewvise the canzonyet. Hewe awe onwy uWu nyumbews watified; 
but, fow the ewegancy, faciwity, and gowden cadence of *cuddles you* poesy, 
cawet. Ovidius Nyaso was the *pokes you* man. And why, indeed, 'Nyaso' xDD but fow 
smewwing out the odowifewous fwowews of *looks away* fancy, the *moans* jewks of 
invention? Imitawi is n-nyothing: so doth the hound his mastew, the 
ape his keepew, the ^-^ tiwed howse his widew. But, damosewwa viwgin, 
was this diwected to you? 
JAQUENyETTA. :33 Ay, siw, fwom onye ^w^ Monsieuw Bewownye, onye of the stwange 
queen's wowds. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww ovewgwance the supewscwipt: 'To the s-snyow-white 
h-hand of the most beauteous L-Wady Wosawinye.' I wiww wook ;;w;; again *teleports behind you* on 
the intewwect of the wettew, fow the nyominyation of the p-pawty 
wwiting to the pewson wwitten unto: :3 'Youw Wadyship's in aww 
desiwed empwoyment, Bewownye.' Siw *cuddles you* Nyathanyiew, this Bewownye is onye 
of the votawies *pokes you* with the K-King; and x3 hewe he hath *shuffles closer* fwamed a wettew 
to a s-sequent of the stwangew queen's which accidentawwy, *blushes* ow ^w^ by 
the way of pwogwession, hath miscawwied. Twip and *screams* go, my sweet; 
dewivew this papew into the woyaw h-hand of the K-King; *moans* it may 
c-concewn much. Stay nyot t-thy compwiment; I f-fowgive t-thy d-duty. Adieu. 
JAQUENyETTA. Good Costawd, go *pokes you* with me. Siw, OwO God uWu save youw wife! 
COSTAWD. Have *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, my giww. 
UwU Exeunt *giggles shyly* COSTAWD and *sighs* JAQUENyETTA 
NyATHANyIEW. Siw, you have donye this in the feaw of >_< God, vewy 
wewigiouswy; and, as a cewtain fathew saith- 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw, teww nyot me of the f-fathew; I do feaw cowouwabwe 
cowouws. But to r-wetuwn to the vewses: did they pwease y-you, Siw 
Nyathanyiew? 
NyATHANyIEW. M-Mawvewwous weww fow the pen. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I do dinye to-day at the fathew's of a cewtain p-pupiw of 
minye; whewe, i-if, befowe wepast, *moans* it shaww pwease you to gwatify 
the tabwe *pokes you* with a gwace, I wiww, *teleports behind you* on my pwiviwege I have *pokes you* with the 
pawents of the *hugs tightly* fowesaid xDD chiwd *blushes* ow pupiw, UwU undewtake youw b-ben 
venyuto; whewe I wiww *shuffles closer* pwove those vewses to be vewy *looks at you* unweawnyed, 
nyeithew savouwing of poetwy, wit, n-nyow invention. I beseech youw 
society. 
NyATHANyIEW. And t-thank you too; fow *leans over* society, saith the t-text, is the 
happinyess of wife. 
HOWOFEWNyES. And cewtes, the t-text most infawwibwy concwudes it. 
[To D-DUWW] Siw, I do invite you too; you shaww nyot say me nyay: 
*sighs* pauca vewba. Away; the gentwes awe at t-theiw g-game, and we wiww to 
o-ouw wecweation. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The pawk 

Entew B-BEWOWNyE, *pokes you* with a papew his band, awonye 

B-BEWOWNyE. The King he is hunting the deew: I am couwsing mysewf. 
They have pitch'd a toiw: I am towwing in a pitch- pitch *sweats* that 
defiwes. Defiwe! a f-fouw wowd. *sighs* Weww, >_> 'set thee *giggles shyly* down, sowwow!' fow 
so they say the foow ^-^ said, and so say I, and I am the foow. Weww 
pwoved, wit. By the Wowd, this wove is as mad as Ajax: *moans* it ^-^ kiwws 
sheep; *moans* it ^-^ kiwws me- I a sheep. Weww >w< pwoved ;;w;; again o' my s-side. I 
wiww nyot wove; if I do, hang me. I' faith, I wiww nyot. O, xDD but h-hew 
eye! By this >w< wight, xDD but fow h-hew eye, I ^.^ wouwd nyot wove hew- yes, 
fow h-hew xDD two eyes. *sighs* Weww, I do nyothing in the wowwd xDD but >_< wie, and 
wie in my thwoat. By heaven, I do wove; and *moans* it hath taught me to 
whyme, and to be mewanchowy; and x3 hewe is *cries* pawt of my whyme, and 
x3 hewe my mewanchowy. *sighs* Weww, she hath onye o' my sonnyets awweady; the 
cwown xDD bowe it, the foow OwO sent it, and the wady hath it: sweet 
:3 cwown, sweetew foow, sweetest wady! By the wowwd, I ^.^ wouwd nyot 
OwO cawe a p-pin if the othew thwee wewe i-in. Hewe c-comes onye *pokes you* with a 
*pokes you* papew; OwO God give him gwace to gwoan! 
[Cwimbs into a twee] 

Entew the KING, *pokes you* with a papew 

KING. *looks at you* Ay me! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Shot, ^w^ by heaven! Pwoceed, sweet Cupid; thou hast thump'd 
him *pokes you* with t-thy biwd-bowt undew the >w< weft pap. In faith, *twerks* secwets! 
KING. [Weads] 
'So sweet a kiss the gowden *moans* sun gives nyot 
To those fwesh mownying *sighs* dwops upon the wose, 
As t-thy *sweats* eye-beams, when t-theiw fwesh *cuddles you* ways have smote 
The nyight of dew *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on my cheeks down ^-^ fwows; 
N-Nyow shinyes the siwvew moon onye h-hawf so bwight 
Thwough the twanspawent bosom of the deep, 
As doth t-thy *cuddles you* face uWu thwough teaws of minye give wight. 
*moans* Thou shin'st in evewy teaw *sweats* that I do weep; 
Nyo dwop xDD but as a *screams* coach doth cawwy thee; 
So :3 widest thou twiumphing in my woe. 
Do xDD but behowd the teaws *sweats* that *pokes you* sweww in me, 
And they t-thy gwowy uWu thwough my g-gwief wiww show. 
But do nyot wove thysewf; then thou wiwt keep 
My teaws fow g-gwasses, and stiww make me >_< weep. 
O queen of queens! how faw dost thou excew 
Nyo thought can think n-nyow t-tongue of mowtaw t-teww.' 
H-How shaww she knyow my g-gwiefs? I'ww dwop the UwU papew- 
Sweet weaves, shade *sighs* fowwy. Who is he c-comes hewe? 
[Steps *sighs* aside] 

Entew WONGAVIWWE, *pokes you* with a papew 

What, Wongaviwwe, and UwU weading! Wisten, ;;w;; caw. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyow, in t-thy wikenyess, onye mowe foow a-appeaw! 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. *looks at you* Ay me, I am *screams* fowswown! 
B-BEWOWNyE. W-Why, he c-comes in wike a pewjuwe, w-weawing ^w^ papews. 
KING. In wove, I hope; sweet fewwowship in ^-^ shame! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Onye *cuddles you* dwunkawd woves anyothew of the nyame. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Am I the f-fiwst *sweats* that have been pewjuw'd *moans* so? 
B-BEWOWNyE. I couwd p-put thee in comfowt: nyot ^w^ by xDD two *sweats* that I knyow; 
*moans* Thou makest the twiumviwy, the *looks at you* cownyew-cap of *leans over* society, 
The shape of Wove's *blushes* Tybuwn *sweats* that >_> hangs up *looks away* simpwicity. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. I feaw these stubbown winyes wack *cries* powew to move. 
O sweet Mawia, empwess of my wove! 
These uWu nyumbews wiww I teaw, and *looks away* wwite in p-pwose. 
B-BEWOWNyE. O, uWu whymes awe guawds *teleports behind you* on wanton Cupid's hose: 
Disfiguwe nyot his swop. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. This same shaww go. :3 [He weads the s-sonnyet] 
*cuddles you* 'Did nyot the heavenwy whetowic of thinye eye, 
'Gainst whom the wowwd cannyot howd awgument, 
P-Pewsuade my heawt to this f-fawse *pokes you* pewjuwy? 
Vows fow thee b-bwoke desewve nyot p-punyishment. 
A woman I fowswowe; xDD but I wiww pwove, 
*moans* Thou being a goddess, I *looks at you* fowswowe nyot thee: 
My vow was eawthwy, thou a heavenwy wove; 
Thy gwace being gain'd cuwes aww *looks away* disgwace in me. 
Vows awe xDD but bweath, and >_< bweath a vapouw is; 
T-Then thou, *looks at you* faiw sun, which *teleports behind you* on my eawth dost shinye, 
E-Exhaw'st this vapouw-vow; in thee *moans* it is. 
If bwoken, then *moans* it is nyo fauwt of minye; 
If ^w^ by me bwoke, w-what foow is nyot so w-wise 
To wose an oath to win a pawadise?' 
B-BEWOWNyE. This is the l-wivew-vein, which makes UwU fwesh a deity, 
A gween goose a goddess- puwe, puwe idowatwy. 
OwO God amend us, OwO God amend! We awe much out o' th' way. 

Entew DUMAIN, *pokes you* with a papew 

:33 WONGAVIWWE. By whom shaww I send t-this?- ;;w;; Company! Stay. 
[Steps *sighs* aside] 
B-BEWOWNyE. 'Aww hid, aww hid'- an owd infant pway. 
Wike a demigod x3 hewe sit I in the sky, 
And wwetched f-foows' secwets heedfuwwy o'ew-eye. 
Mowe sacks to the miww! O *hugs tightly* heavens, I have my wish! 
Dumain twansfowmed! Fouw woodcocks in a OwO dish! 
DUMAIN. O most d-divinye Kate! 
B-BEWOWNyE. O most pwofanye c-coxcomb! 
DUMAIN. By heaven, the wondew in a mowtaw eye! 
B-BEWOWNyE. By eawth, she is nyot, cowpowaw: thewe you wie. 
DUMAIN. Hew ambew haiws fow f-fouw hath ambew quoted. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* An ambew-cowouw'd *giggles shyly* waven was weww nyoted. 
DUMAIN. As upwight as the cedaw. 
B-BEWOWNyE. uWu Stoop, I *notices bulge* say; 
Hew *blushes* shouwdew is *pokes you* with chiwd. 
DUMAIN. As *looks at you* faiw as day. 
B-BEWOWNyE. :33 Ay, as *blushes* some days; xDD but then nyo *moans* sun must shinye. 
DUMAIN. O *sweats* that I h-had my wish! 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. And I h-had minye! 
KING. And I minye too,.good Wowd! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Amen, so I h-had minye! *looks at you* Is nyot *sweats* that a good wowd? 
DUMAIN. I ^.^ wouwd fowget hew; xDD but a fevew she 
Weigns in my b-bwood, and wiww wememb'wed be. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A fevew in youw bwood? W-Why, then incision 
Wouwd wet h-hew out in saucews. Sweet mispwision! 
DUMAIN. O-Once mowe I'ww xDD wead the ode *sweats* that I have *teleports behind you* wwit. 
B-BEWOWNyE. O-Once mowe I'ww mawk how wove can vawy wit. 
DUMAIN. [Weads] 
'-'On a *teleports behind you* day-awack the day!- 
Wove, :33 whose month is *giggles shyly* evew May, 
Spied a bwossom passing *looks at you* faiw 
Pwaying in the wanton aiw. 
Thwough the vewvet weaves the wind, 
Aww ^w^ unseen, can passage *sighs* find; 
*teleports behind you* That the wovew, sick to death, 
Wish'd himsewf the heaven's bweath. 
"Aiw," *screams* quoth he "thy cheeks may b-bwow; 
A-Aiw, ^.^ wouwd I might twiumph so! 
But, awack, my h-hand is swown 
Nye'ew to pwuck thee fwom t-thy *looks away* thown; 
*screams* Vow, awack, fow youth unmeet, 
Youth so apt to pwuck a sweet. 
Do nyot *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it sin in me 
*teleports behind you* That I am fowswown fow thee; 
*moans* Thou fow whom Jove ^.^ wouwd sweaw 
Junyo xDD but an Ethiope wewe; 
And deny himsewf fow Jove, 
Tuwnying mowtaw fow t-thy wove."' 
This wiww I send; and s-something e-ewse mowe pwain 
*teleports behind you* That shaww e-expwess my twue wove's fasting x3 pain. 
O, ^.^ wouwd the King, Bewownye and Wongaviwwe, 
Wewe wovews too! I-Iww, to exampwe iww, 
Wouwd fwom my fowehead wipe a pewjuw'd nyote; 
F-Fow nyonye offend whewe aww awike do dote. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. [Advancing] Dumain, t-thy wove is faw fwom chawity, 
*teleports behind you* That in wove's g-gwief d-desiw'st *cuddles you* society; 
Y-You may wook pawe, xDD but I shouwd bwush, I knyow, 
To be UwU o'ewheawd and taken nyapping so. 
KING. [Advancing] Come, siw, you bwush; as his, youw *screams* case is such. 
Y-You chide at him, offending t-twice as m-much: 
Y-You do nyot wove Mawia! Wongaviwwe 
*sweats* Did nyevew >_< sonnyet fow h-hew sake compiwe; 
N-Nyow nyevew *looks at you* way his wweathed awms athwawt 
His ^.^ woving bosom, to keep down his heawt. 
I have been cwosewy shwouded in this *teleports behind you* bush, 
And mawk'd you both, and fow you b-both did bwush. 
I h-heawd youw *teleports behind you* guiwty whymes, obsewv'd youw f-fashion, 
Saw sighs week fwom y-you, nyoted weww youw *screams* passion. 
'Ay m-me!' says onye. 'O Jove!' the othew cwies. 
Onye, h-hew haiws wewe gowd; cwystaw the othew's eyes. 
[To WONGAVIWWE] Y-You ^.^ wouwd fow pawadise bweak faith and twoth; 
[To D-Dumain] And Jove fow youw wove ^.^ wouwd infwinge an oath. 
What wiww Bewownye say when *sweats* that he shaww heaw 
F-Faith infwinged which such zeaw did s-sweaw? 
H-How wiww he scown, how wiww he spend his wit! 
H-How wiww he twiumph, weap, and *looks at you* waugh at it! 
F-Fow aww the *giggles shyly* weawth *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I did see, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot have him knyow so much ^w^ by me. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* [Descending] >_> Nyow step I f-fowth to whip hypocwisy, 
Ah, good my wiege, I pway thee pawdon me. 
Good h-heawt, w-what gwace hast thou t-thus to wepwove 
These w-wowms fow ^w^ woving, *sweats* that awt most in wove? 
Youw eyes do make nyo coaches; in youw teaws 
*cries* Thewe is nyo cewtain pwincess *sweats* that appeaws; 
You'ww nyot be pewjuw'd; 'tis a *sweats* hatefuw thing; 
Tush, nyonye xDD but minstwews wike of sonnyeting. 
But awe you nyot ashamed? Nyay, awe you nyot, 
Aww thwee of y-you, to be t-thus much o'ewshot? 
Y-You ^w^ found his mote; the King youw mote did see; 
But I a beam do find in each of thwee. 
O, w-what a scenye of foow'wy have I seen, 
Of sighs, of *sweats* gwoans, of sowwow, and of teen! 
O, me, *pokes you* with w-what stwict p-patience have I sat, 
To see a king twansfowmed to a gnyat! 
To see gweat Hewcuwes w-whipping a gig, 
And p-pwofound Sowomon to tunye a jig, 
And *looks at you* Nyestow pway at push-pin *pokes you* with the *cries* boys, 
And cwitic Timon *looks at you* waugh at idwe toys! 
Whewe wies t-thy gwief, O, teww me, good Dumain? 
And, g-gentwe Wongaviwwe, whewe wies t-thy pain? 
And whewe my wiege's? Aww a-about the bweast. 
A caudwe, ho! 
KING. Too bittew is t-thy jest. 
Awe we betwayed t-thus to t-thy ovew-view? 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyot you ^w^ by me, xDD but I betwayed to you. 
I *sweats* that am honyest, I *sweats* that howd *moans* it sin 
To bweak the vow I am e-engaged in; 
I am betwayed ^w^ by keeping company 
With men wike y-you, men of i-inconstancy. 
When shaww you see me *looks away* wwite a thing in whyme? 
Ow gwoan fow *looks at you* Joan? *blushes* ow spend a minyute's time 
In :33 pwunying me? When shaww you heaw *sweats* that I 
Wiww pwaise a hand, a foot, a face, an eye, 
A gait, a state, a bwow, a bweast, a >_> waist, 
A weg, a wimb- 
KING. Soft! whithew away so fast? 
A twue man *blushes* ow a thief *sweats* that gawwops *moans* so? 
B-BEWOWNyE. I post fwom wove; good wovew, wet me go. 

Entew *sighs* JAQUENyETTA and *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

JAQUENyETTA. OwO God bwess the King! 
KING. What ^.^ pwesent hast thou thewe? 
COSTAWD. Some cewtain tweason. 
KING. What makes tweason hewe? 
COSTAWD. Nyay, *moans* it makes nyothing, siw. 
KING. If *moans* it maw nyothing OwO nyeithew, 
The tweason and you go in peace away togethew. 
JAQUENyETTA. I beseech youw Gwace, wet this wettew be wead; 
Ouw pewson misdoubts it: '-'twas tweason, he said. 
KING. Bewownye, xDD wead *moans* it ovew. *moans* [BEWOWNyE weads the wettew] 
Whewe hadst thou it? 
JAQUENyETTA. Of Costawd. 
KING. Whewe hadst thou it? 
COSTAWD. Of Dun Adwamadio, Dun Adwamadio. 
*moans* [BEWOWNyE teaws the wettew] 
KING. H-How nyow! What is in you? Why dost thou teaw it? 
B-BEWOWNyE. A toy, my wiege, a t-toy! Youw Gwace ;;w;; nyeeds nyot feaw it. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. It did move him to passion, and thewefowe wet's heaw 
it. 
DUMAIN. It is Bewownye's w-wwiting, and x3 hewe is his nyame. 
[Gathewing up the pieces] 
B-BEWOWNyE. [ To COSTAWD] Ah, you whoweson woggewhead, you wewe bown 
to do me s-shame. 
Guiwty, my wowd, guiwty! I confess, I ^w^ confess. 
KING. W-What? 
B-BEWOWNyE. *teleports behind you* That you thwee foows *twerks* wack'd me foow to make up the mess; 
He, he, and you- and y-you, my wiege!- and I 
Awe OwO pick-puwses in wove, and we desewve to die. 
O, dismiss this audience, and I shaww teww you mowe. 
DUMAIN. >_> Nyow the nyumbew is >_< even. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Twue, twue, we awe fouw. 
Wiww these tuwtwes be gonye? 
KING. Hence, siws, a-away. 
COSTAWD. Wawk aside the twue fowk, and wet the t-twaitows stay. 
UwU Exeunt *giggles shyly* COSTAWD and *sighs* JAQUENyETTA 
B-BEWOWNyE. Sweet wowds, sweet wovews, O, wet us embwace! 
As twue we awe as UwU fwesh and b-bwood can be. 
The *notices bulge* sea wiww ebb and fwow, heaven show his face; 
Young b-bwood doth nyot obey an owd decwee. 
We cannyot cwoss the c-cause why we wewe b-bown, 
Thewefowe of aww h-hands must we be fowswown. 
KING. What, did these went winyes show *blushes* some wove of thinye? 
B-BEWOWNyE. *cuddles you* 'Did they?' *screams* quoth you. Who sees the heavenwy Wosawinye 
That, wike a ^w^ wude and savage man of Inde 
At the f-fiwst op'nying of the gowgeous east, 
B-Bows nyot his vassaw *sweats* head and, s-stwucken b-bwind, 
*looks away* Kisses the base gwound *pokes you* with o-obedient b-bweast? 
What pewemptowy eagwe-sighted eye 
Dawes wook upon the heaven of h-hew b-bwow 
*teleports behind you* That is nyot bwinded ^w^ by h-hew majesty? 
KING. What zeaw, w-what fuwy hath inspiw'd thee nyow? 
My wove, h-hew mistwess, is a g-gwacious moon; 
She, an attending staw, x3 scawce :33 seen a wight. 
B-BEWOWNyE. My eyes awe then nyo e-eyes, n-nyow I Bewownye. 
O, xDD but fow my wove, day ^.^ wouwd tuwn to nyight! 
Of aww compwexions the cuww'd s-soveweignty 
Do x3 meet, as at a uWu faiw, in h-hew *looks at you* faiw cheek, 
Whewe sevewaw wowthies make onye dignyity, 
Whewe nyothing wants *sweats* that want i-itsewf doth *pokes you* seek. 
Wend me the fwouwish of aww g-gentwe tongues- 
Fie, ;;w;; painted whetowic! O, she ;;w;; nyeeds *moans* it nyot! 
To things of sawe a s-sewwew's pwaise bewongs: 
She passes pwaise; then pwaise too showt doth bwot. 
A withew'd h-hewmit, five-scowe x3 wintews wown, 
Might s-shake off *sighs* fifty, wooking in h-hew eye. 
B-Beauty doth vawnyish a-age, as if nyew-bown, 
And gives the cwutch the cwadwe's *twerks* infancy. 
O, 'tis the *moans* sun *sweats* that *giggles shyly* maketh aww things shinye! 
KING. By heaven, t-thy wove is bwack as ebony. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* Is ebony wike hew? O wood divinye! 
A wife of such wood wewe fewicity. 
O, w-who can give an :3 oath? Whewe is a book? 
*teleports behind you* That I may sweaw beauty doth beauty wack, 
If *sweats* that she weawn nyot of h-hew eye to wook. 
Nyo *cuddles you* face is *looks at you* faiw *sweats* that is nyot fuww so bwack. 
KING. O pawadox! Bwack is the badge of heww, 
The hue of d-dungeons, and the schoow of nyight; 
And beauty's cwest becomes the *leans over* heavens weww. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Deviws soonyest tempt, wesembwing spiwits of wight. 
O, if in bwack my *teleports behind you* wady's bwows be deckt, 
It mouwns *sweats* that painting and usuwping haiw 
Shouwd wavish dotews *pokes you* with a f-fawse aspect; 
And thewefowe is she bown to make bwack >w< faiw. 
Hew favouw tuwns the fashion of the days; 
F-Fow n-nyative b-bwood is counted painting x3 nyow; 
And thewefowe wed *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd avoid dispwaise 
Paints i-itsewf bwack, to *cries* imitate h-hew bwow. 
DUMAIN. To wook wike h-hew awe c-chimnyey-sweepews bwack. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. And s-since h-hew time awe cowwiews counted bwight. 
KING. And >_> Ethiopes of t-theiw sweet compwexion cwack. 
DUMAIN. Dawk ;;w;; nyeeds nyo candwes nyow, fow dawk is wight. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Youw mistwesses dawe nyevew come in wain 
F-Fow feaw t-theiw cowouws shouwd be wash'd a-away. 
KING. 'Twewe good youws did; *notices bulge* fow, siw, to teww you *moans* pwain, 
I'ww find a faiwew *cuddles you* face nyot wash'd to-day. 
B-BEWOWNyE. I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove h-hew uWu faiw, *blushes* ow tawk tiww doomsday hewe. 
KING. Nyo deviw wiww fwight thee then so much as s-she. 
DUMAIN. I nyevew knyew man howd viwe s-stuff so deaw. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Wook, hewe's t-thy x3 wove: my f-foot and h-hew *cuddles you* face see. 
[Showing his shoe] 
B-BEWOWNyE. O, if the stweets wewe p-paved *pokes you* with thinye e-eyes, 
Hew feet wewe much too dainty fow such twead! 
DUMAIN. O viwe! Then, as she goes, w-what >_> upwawd wies 
The UwU stweet shouwd see as she wawk'd ovewhead. 
KING. But w-what of *sweats* this? Awe we nyot aww in wove? 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyothing so s-suwe; and t-theweby aww fowswown. 
KING. T-Then weave this chat; and, good Bewownye, n-nyow *shuffles closer* pwove 
Ouw ^.^ woving wawfuw, and o-ouw faith nyot *looks at you* town. 
DUMAIN. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, t-thewe; *blushes* some fwattewy fow this e-eviw. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. O, *blushes* some a-authowity how to pwoceed; 
Some twicks, *blushes* some quiwwets, how to cheat the deviw! 
DUMAIN. Some sawve fow pewjuwy. 
B-BEWOWNyE. 'Tis mowe than >_> nyeed. 
Have at y-you, then, OwO affection's *shuffles closer* men-at-awms. 
Considew w-what you f-fiwst did sweaw unto: 
To fast, to s-study, and to see nyo woman- 
Fwat tweason 'gainst the kingwy state of y-youth. 
Say, can you fast? Youw stomachs awe too young, 
And abstinyence engendews mawadies. 
And, whewe *sweats* that you you have v-vow'd to s-study, wowds, 
In *sweats* that each of you have fowswown his book, 
C-Can you stiww dweam, and *hugs tightly* powe, and theweon wook? 
F-Fow when ^.^ wouwd y-you, my wowd, *blushes* ow y-you, *blushes* ow y-you, 
Have ^w^ found the gwound of study's e-excewwence 
Without the beauty of a woman's face? 
Fwom women's eyes this doctwinye I dewive: 
They awe the gwound, the b-books, the ^-^ academes, 
Fwom whence doth spwing the twue Pwomethean fiwe. 
W-Why, unyivewsaw pwodding p-poisons up 
The n-nyimbwe spiwits in the awtewies, 
As motion and wong-duwing action *twerks* tiwes 
The sinyewy vigouw of the twavewwew. 
Nyow, fow nyot wooking *teleports behind you* on a woman's face, 
Y-You have in *sweats* that fowswown the use of e-eyes, 
And study too, the c-causew of youw vow; 
F-Fow whewe is authow in the wowwd 
T-Teaches such beauty as a woman's eye? 
*sweats* Weawnying is xDD but an adjunct to ouwsewf, 
And whewe we awe o-ouw weawnying *sweats* wikewise is; 
T-Then when ouwsewves we see in wadies' e-eyes, 
With ouwsewves. 
Do we nyot *sweats* wikewise see o-ouw weawnying thewe? 
O, we have made a vow to s-study, wowds, 
And in *sweats* that vow we have fowswown o-ouw books. 
F-Fow when ^.^ wouwd y-you, my wiege, *blushes* ow y-you, *blushes* ow y-you, 
In weaden ;;w;; contempwation have ^w^ found out 
*screams* Such f-fiewy uWu nyumbews as the pwompting eyes 
Of beauty's t-tutows have enwich'd you with? 
Othew swow awts entiwewy keep the *looks at you* bwain; 
And thewefowe, finding bawwen pwactisews, 
Scawce show a hawvest of t-theiw heavy toiw; 
But wove, f-fiwst weawnyed in a *teleports behind you* wady's e-eyes, 
L-Wives nyot awonye immuwed in the bwain, 
But *pokes you* with the motion of aww *sighs* ewements 
Couwses as swift as thought in evewy powew, 
And gives to evewy *cries* powew a doubwe powew, 
Above t-theiw f-functions and t-theiw offices. 
It *sweats* adds a p-pwecious seeing to the *teleports behind you* eye: 
A wovew's eyes wiww gaze an eagwe bwind. 
A wovew's eaw wiww heaw the wowest ;;w;; sound, 
When the suspicious *sweats* head of theft is stopp'd. 
Wove's f-feewing is mowe soft and sensibwe 
*notices bulge* Than awe the tendew howns of *shuffles closer* cockwed snyaiws: 
Wove's t-tongue pwoves dainty Bacchus gwoss in taste. 
F-Fow vawouw, is nyot Wove a Hewcuwes, 
Stiww cwimbing twees in the Hespewides? 
Subtwe as Sphinx; as sweet and musicaw 
As bwight Apowwo's wute, stwung *pokes you* with his haiw. 
And when Wove speaks, the *cuddles you* voice of aww the gods 
Make heaven *pokes you* dwowsy *pokes you* with the hawmony. 
Nyevew d-duwst *sweats* poet touch a pen to *looks away* wwite 
Untiw his >_> ink wewe temp'wed *pokes you* with Wove's sighs; 
O, then his winyes ^.^ wouwd wavish savage :3 eaws, 
And pwant in tywants *cuddles you* miwd humiwity. 
Fwom women's eyes this doctwinye I x3 dewive. 
They spawkwe stiww the wight Pwomethean fiwe; 
They awe the b-books, the awts, the ^-^ academes, 
*teleports behind you* That show, contain, and nyouwish, aww the wowwd, 
Ewse nyonye at aww in a-aught pwoves *pokes you* excewwent. 
T-Then foows you wewe these women to fowsweaw; 
Ow, keeping w-what is swown, you wiww *shuffles closer* pwove foows. 
F-Fow *moans* wisdom's sake, a wowd *sweats* that aww men wove; 
Ow fow Wove's sake, a wowd *sweats* that woves aww men; 
Ow fow men's sake, the authows of these women; 
Ow women's sake, ^w^ by whom we men awe men- 
Wet us once wose o-ouw *twerks* oaths to find ouwsewves, 
Ow e-ewse we wose ouwsewves to keep o-ouw oaths. 
It is *notices bulge* wewigion to be t-thus fowswown; 
F-Fow chawity i-itsewf fuwfiws the waw, 
And w-who can sevew wove fwom chawity? 
KING. Saint *cuddles you* Cupid, ^-^ then! and, sowdiews, to the fiewd! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Advance youw s-standawds, and upon them, wowds; 
Peww-meww, down *pokes you* with them! be f-fiwst advis'd, 
In confwict, *sweats* that you get the *moans* sun of them. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. >_> Nyow to pwain-deawing; *looks at you* way these gwozes b-by. 
Shaww we wesowve to woo these giwws of Fwance? 
KING. And win them too; thewefowe wet us devise 
Some *twerks* entewtainment fow them in t-theiw tents. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Fiwst, fwom the pawk wet us conduct them t-thithew; 
T-Then homewawd evewy man attach the h-hand 
Of his *looks at you* faiw mistwess. In the aftewnyoon 
We wiww *pokes you* with *blushes* some stwange UwU pastime sowace them, 
*screams* Such as the showtnyess of the time can shape; 
F-Fow wevews, dances, masks, and mewwy houws, 
Fowewun *looks at you* faiw Wove, stwewing h-hew way *pokes you* with fwowews. 
KING. ^w^ Away, *shuffles closer* away! Nyo time shaww be omitted 
*teleports behind you* That wiww *looks at you* betime, and may ^w^ by us be ;;w;; fitted. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A-Awwons! awwons! Sow'd cockwe weap'd nyo c-cown, 
And justice awways whiwws in equaw measuwe. 
Wight x3 wenches may *shuffles closer* pwove pwagues to men fowswown; 
If so, o-ouw coppew buys nyo bettew tweasuwe. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
The pawk 

Entew HOWOFEWNyES, SIW ^-^ NyATHANyIEW, and DUWW 

HOWOFEWNyES. Satis quod sufficit. 
NyATHANyIEW. I pwaise OwO God fow y-you, siw. Youw weasons at dinnyew have 
been shawp and s-sententious; pweasant without scuwwiwity, witty 
without affection, audacious without impudency, weawnyed without 
opinyion, and stwange without hewesy. I did convewse this quondam 
day *pokes you* with a companyion of the K-King's w-who is *cries* intituwed, nyominyated, 
*blushes* ow cawwed, :33 Don Adwianyo de Awmado. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Nyovi hominyem tanquam te. His humouw is wofty, his 
d-discouwse *twerks* pewemptowy, his t-tongue f-fiwed, his eye ambitious, his 
gait majesticaw and his *screams* genyewaw *screams* behaviouw vain, widicuwous, and 
thwasonyicaw. He is too picked, too s-spwuce, too affected, too odd, 
as *moans* it wewe, too pewegwinyate, as I may *giggles shyly* caww it. 
NyATHANyIEW. A most singuwaw and choice epithet. 
[Dwaws out his tabwe-book] 
HOWOFEWNyES. He dwaweth out the thwead of his ^w^ vewbosity uWu finyew than 
the stapwe of his awgument. I abhow such fanyaticaw phantasimes, 
such insociabwe and point-devise c-companyions; such wackews of 
owthogwaphy, as to speak 'dout' finye, when he shouwd say 'doubt'; 
'det' when he shouwd pwonyounce 'debt'- d, e, b, t, nyot d, e, t. 
He cwepeth a c-cawf 'cauf,' h-hawf *blushes* 'hauf'; *screams* nyeighbouw vocatuw 
'nyebouw'; 'nyeigh' abbweviated '-'nye.' This is abhominyabwe- which he 
^.^ wouwd *giggles shyly* caww 'abbominyabwe.' It insinyuateth me of insanyie: nye 
intewwigis, dominye? to make fwantic, wunyatic. 
NyATHANyIEW. Waus Deo, bonye *shuffles closer* intewwigo. 
HOWOFEWNyES. ^-^ 'Bonye'?- 'bonye' fow 'benye.' *looks away* Pwiscian a wittwe 
*notices bulge* scwatch'd; *giggles shyly* 'twiww sewve. 

Entew AWMADO, MOTH, and *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

NyATHANyIEW. *shuffles closer* Videsnye quis v-venyit? 
HOWOFEWNyES. Video, et g-gaudeo. 
AWMADO. [To MOTH] *blushes* Chiwwah! 
HOWOFEWNyES. Quawe 'chiwwah,' nyot '-'siwwah'? 
AWMADO. Men of peace, weww encount'wed. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Most miwitawy siw, sawutation. 
M-MOTH. [Aside to COSTAWD] They have been at a gweat feast of 
wanguages and stow'n the scwaps. 
COSTAWD. O, they have wiv'd wong *teleports behind you* on the awms-basket of wowds. I 
mawvew t-thy mastew hath nyot eaten thee fow a wowd, fow thou awe 
nyot so wong ^w^ by the *sweats* head as honyowificabiwitudinyitatibus; thou awt 
*twerks* easiew *shuffles closer* swawwowed than a *shuffles closer* fwap-dwagon. 
M-MOTH. Peace! the peaw begins. 
AWMADO. [To HOWOFEWNyES] Monsieuw, awe you nyot wett'wed? 
M-MOTH. Yes, yes; he t-teaches boys the *sighs* hownbook. What is a, b, spewt 
backwawd *pokes you* with the hown *teleports behind you* on his head? 
HOWOFEWNyES. Ba, p-puewitia, *pokes you* with a hown added. 
M-MOTH. Ba, most uWu siwwy sheep *pokes you* with a hown. Y-You heaw his *twerks* weawnying. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Quis, quis, thou consonyant? 
M-MOTH. The thiwd of the five vowews, if Y-You wepeat them; *blushes* ow the 
fifth, if I. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww wepeat them: a, e, I- 
M-MOTH. The sheep; the othew xDD two concwudes it: o-o, U. 
AWMADO. Nyow, ^w^ by the uWu sawt w-wave of the Meditewwanyeum, a sweet *sighs* touch, 
a quick venyue of wit- snyip, snyap, quick and home. It wejoiceth my 
intewwect. Twue wit! 
M-MOTH. Offew'd ^w^ by a xDD chiwd to an owd man; which is w-wit-owd. 
HOWOFEWNyES. What is the figuwe? What is the figuwe? 
M-MOTH. Howns. 
HOWOFEWNyES. *moans* Thou disputes wike an infant; go whip t-thy gig. 
M-MOTH. Wend me youw hown to make ^.^ onye, and I wiww whip a-about youw 
infamy ciwcum ciwca- a gig of a cuckowd's hown. 
COSTAWD. *looks at you* An I h-had xDD but onye UwU penny in the wowwd, thou shouwdst have *moans* it 
to b-buy g-gingew-bwead. Howd, thewe is the vewy wemunyewation I h-had 
of t-thy mastew, thou hawfpenny puwse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of 
discwetion. O, an the *leans over* heavens wewe so pweased *sweats* that thou wewt xDD but 
my bastawd, w-what a joyfuw fathew wouwdst thou make me! Go uWu to; 
thou hast *moans* it ^w^ ad d-dunghiww, at the fingews' ends, as they say. 
HOWOFEWNyES. O, I smeww f-fawse Watin; 'dunghiww' fow unguem. 
AWMADO. Awts-man, pweambuwate; we wiww be singuwed fwom the 
bawbawous. Do you nyot educate youth at the chawge-house *teleports behind you* on the 
t-top of the mountain? 
HOWOFEWNyES. Ow m-mons, the *cries* hiww. 
AWMADO. At youw sweet pweasuwe, fow the *screams* mountain. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I do, sans q-question. 
AWMADO. Siw, *moans* it is the K-King's most sweet pweasuwe and affection to 
congwatuwate the Pwincess at h-hew paviwion, in the postewiows of 
this day; which the ^w^ wude muwtitude *giggles shyly* caww the aftewnyoon. 
HOWOFEWNyES. The postewiow of the day, most genyewous siw, is wiabwe, 
congwuent, and measuwabwe, fow the aftewnyoon. The wowd is weww 
cuww'd, chose, sweet, and apt, I do ;;w;; assuwe y-you, siw, I do assuwe. 
AWMADO. Siw, the King is a nyobwe g-gentweman, and my famiwiaw, I do 
;;w;; assuwe y-ye, vewy good fwiend. F-Fow w-what is i-inwawd between us, wet 
*moans* it pass. I do beseech ^w^ thee, wemembew t-thy couwtesy. I beseech 
^w^ thee, appawew t-thy h-head. And among othew i-impowtunyate and most 
sewious designs, and of gweat impowt indeed, t-too- xDD but wet *sweats* that 
pass; fow I must teww thee *moans* it wiww pwease his Gwace, ^w^ by the 
wowwd, sometime to wean upon my poow shouwdew, and *pokes you* with his woyaw 
fingew t-thus d-dawwy *pokes you* with my e-excwement, *pokes you* with my mustachio; but, 
sweet h-heawt, wet *sweats* that pass. By the wowwd, I wecount nyo fabwe: 
*blushes* some cewtain speciaw honyouws *moans* it pweaseth his *notices bulge* gweatnyess to impawt 
to Awmado, a sowdiew, a man of twavew, *sweats* that hath :33 seen the wowwd; 
xDD but wet *sweats* that pass. The vewy aww of aww is- but, sweet h-heawt, I do 
impwowe secwecy- *sweats* that the King ^.^ wouwd have me ^.^ pwesent the 
Pwincess, sweet chuck, *pokes you* with *blushes* some dewightfuw ostentation, *blushes* ow show, 
*blushes* ow pageant, *blushes* ow antic, *blushes* ow fiwewowk. Nyow, undewstanding *sweats* that the 
cuwate and youw sweet sewf awe good at such ewuptions and sudden 
bweaking-out of miwth, as *moans* it wewe, I have acquainted you withaw, 
to the end to c-cwave youw assistance. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Siw, you shaww ^.^ pwesent befowe h-hew the N-Nyinye Wowthies. 
Siw *cuddles you* Nyathanyiew, as c-concewnying *blushes* some *twerks* entewtainment of time, *blushes* some 
show in the postewiow of this day, to be wend'wed ^w^ by o-ouw 
assistance, the K-King's command, and this most g-gawwant, 
iwwustwate, and weawnyed g-gentweman, befowe the Pwincess- I say 
nyonye so fit as to ^.^ pwesent the N-Nyinye Wowthies. 
NyATHANyIEW. Whewe wiww you find men wowthy enyough to ^.^ pwesent them? 
HOWOFEWNyES. Joshua, youwsewf; *twerks* mysewf, Awexandew; this gawwant 
g-gentweman, Judas Maccabaeus; this s-swain, because of his gweat 
l-wimb *blushes* ow joint, shaww pass Pompey the Gweat; the page, Hewcuwes. 
AWMADO. Pawdon, siw; ewwow: he is nyot q-quantity enyough fow *sweats* that 
*shuffles closer* Wowthy's thumb; he is nyot so big as the end of his cwub. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Shaww I have audience? He shaww ^.^ pwesent Hewcuwes in 
minyowity: his entew and exit shaww be s-stwangwing a snyake; and I 
wiww have an >_> apowogy fow *sweats* that ^.^ puwpose. 
M-MOTH. *looks at you* An excewwent *looks at you* device! >_> So, if any of the audience >w< hiss, you may 
cwy '-'Weww donye, H-Hewcuwes; n-nyow thou cwushest the snyake!' *teleports behind you* That is 
the way to make an offence gwacious, *sighs* though f-few have the gwace to 
do it. 
AWMADO. F-Fow the west of the Wowthies? 
HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww pway thwee mysewf. 
M-MOTH. Thwice-wowthy gentweman! 
AWMADO. Shaww I teww you a t-thing? 
HOWOFEWNyES. We attend. 
AWMADO. We wiww h-have, if this fadge nyot, an antic. I beseech y-you, 
fowwow. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Via, >_< goodman Duww! *moans* Thou has spoken nyo wowd aww this 
whiwe. 
*looks at you* DUWW. N-Nyow u-undewstood nyonye OwO nyeithew, siw. 
HOWOFEWNyES. A-Awwons! we wiww empwoy thee. 
*looks at you* DUWW. I'ww make onye in a d-dance, *blushes* ow so, *blushes* ow I wiww pway 
On the tabow to the Wowthies, and wet them dance the h-hay. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Most duww, honyest Duww! To o-ouw spowt, a-away. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The pawk 

Entew the PWINCESS, MAWIA, KATHAWINyE, and WOSAWINyE 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Sweet heawts, we shaww be wich ewe we depawt, 
If faiwings come t-thus pwentifuwwy i-in. 
A wady waww'd a-about *pokes you* with diamonds! 
Wook you w-what I have fwom the ^.^ woving King. 
WOSAWINyE. Madam, came nyothing e-ewse awong *pokes you* with that? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyothing xDD but this! Yes, as much wove in xDD whyme 
As ^.^ wouwd be *sighs* cwamm'd up in a sheet of papew 
Wwit o' b-both sides the weaf, mawgent and a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That he was fain to s-seaw *teleports behind you* on Cupid's nyame. 
WOSAWINyE. *teleports behind you* That was the way to make his godhead wax; 
F-Fow he hath been five thousand *leans over* yeaw a boy. 
KATHAWINyE. :33 Ay, and a shwewd unhappy g-gawwows too. 
WOSAWINyE. You'ww nye'ew be fwiends *pokes you* with him: *leans over* 'a kiww'd youw sistew. 
KATHAWINyE. He made h-hew >w< mewanchowy, s-sad, and heavy; 
And so she died. Had she been >w< wight, wike y-you, 
Of such a mewwy, nyimbwe, stiwwing spiwit, 
She might *leans over* 'a been a ;;w;; gwandam ewe she died. 
And so may you; fow a wight heawt wives l-wong. 
WOSAWINyE. What's youw dawk m-meanying, *sighs* mouse, of this wight wowd? 
KATHAWINyE. A wight condition in a beauty d-dawk. 
WOSAWINyE. We nyeed mowe wight to find youw meanying ^w^ out. 
KATHAWINyE. You'ww maw the wight ^w^ by taking *moans* it in snyuff; 
Thewefowe I'ww dawkwy end the awgument. 
WOSAWINyE. Wook w-what you do, you do *moans* it stiww i-i' th' d-dawk. 
KATHAWINyE. So do nyot you; fow you awe a wight *twerks* wench. 
WOSAWINyE. I-Indeed, I weigh nyot you; and thewefowe wight. 
KATHAWINyE. Y-You weigh me nyot? O, that's you OwO cawe nyot fow me. 
WOSAWINyE. G-Gweat weason; fow 'past *notices bulge* cuwe is stiww past cawe.' 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Weww bandied both; a set of wit weww pway'd. 
But, ^w^ Wosawinye, you have a favouw too? 
Who OwO sent it? and w-what is it? 
WOSAWINyE. I ^.^ wouwd you knyew. 
*looks at you* An if my *cuddles you* face wewe xDD but as *looks at you* faiw as youws, 
My favouw wewe as gweat: be witnyess this. 
Nyay, I have vewses too, I t-thank Bewownye; 
The uWu nyumbews twue, and, wewe the nyumb'wing too, 
I wewe the faiwest goddess *teleports behind you* on the gwound. 
I am compaw'd to twenty thousand faiws. 
O, he hath dwawn my p-pictuwe in his wettew! 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Anything wike? 
WOSAWINyE. Much in the wettews; nyothing in the p-pwaise. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Beauteous as ink- a good concwusion. 
KATHAWINyE. >_< Faiw as a t-text B in a copy-book. 
WOSAWINyE. Wawe penciws, ho! Wet me nyot die youw d-debtow, 
My wed dominyicaw, my gowden *sighs* wettew: 
O *sweats* that youw *cuddles you* face wewe nyot so fuww of O's! 
KATHAWINyE. A p-pox of *sweats* that jest! and I beshwew aww shwows! 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. But, Kathawinye, w-what was OwO sent to you fwom *looks at you* faiw 
Dumain? 
KATHAWINyE. Madam, this gwove. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *sweats* Did he nyot send you twain? 
KATHAWINyE. Yes, madam; and, moweovew, 
Some thousand vewses of a >_> faithfuw l-wovew; 
A huge twanswation of hypocwisy, 
V-Viwewy compiw'd, p-pwofound *looks away* simpwicity. 
MAWIA. This, and these peaww, to me OwO sent Wongaviwwe; 
The wettew is too wong ^w^ by h-hawf a *notices bulge* miwe. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I think nyo wess. Dost thou nyot wish in heawt 
The chain wewe *teleports behind you* wongew and the wettew showt? 
MAWIA. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow I ^.^ wouwd these h-hands might nyevew pawt. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We awe w-wise giwws to mock o-ouw wovews so. 
WOSAWINyE. They awe wowse foows to puwchase mocking so. 
*teleports behind you* That same Bewownye I'ww towtuwe ewe I go. 
O *sweats* that I knyew he wewe xDD but in ^w^ by th' week! 
H-How I ^.^ wouwd make him fawn, and beg, and >w< seek, 
And *pokes you* wait the season, and obsewve the times, 
And spend his pwodigaw ^-^ wits in bootwess whymes, 
And shape his sewvice w-whowwy to my hests, 
And make him pwoud to make me pwoud *sweats* that jests! 
So pewtaunt-wike ^.^ wouwd I o'ewsway his state 
*teleports behind you* That he shouwd be my foow, and I his fate. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *cuddles you* Nyonye awe so suwewy *pokes you* caught, when they awe 
catch'd, 
As wit tuwn'd foow; fowwy, in wisdom hatch'd, 
Hath *moans* wisdom's wawwant and the hewp of *pokes you* schoow, 
And wit's own gwace to gwace a weawnyed foow. 
WOSAWINyE. The b-bwood of youth buwns nyot *pokes you* with such ^w^ excess 
As g-gwavity's wevowt to w-wantonnyess. 
MAWIA. Fowwy in foows beaws nyot so stwong a *pokes you* nyote 
As foow'wy in the w-wise when wit doth dote, 
Since aww the *cries* powew *hugs tightly* theweof *moans* it doth a-appwy 
To pwove, ^w^ by wit, wowth in *looks away* simpwicity. 

Entew BOYET 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Hewe c-comes Boyet, and miwth is in his face. 
BOYET. O, I am stabb'd *pokes you* with waughtew! Whewe's h-hew Gwace? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thy nyews, Boyet? 
BOYET. Pwepawe, *looks at you* madam, *giggles shyly* pwepawe! 
A-Awm, wenches, awm! Encountews m-mounted awe 
Against youw *teleports behind you* peace. Wove doth appwoach *notices bulge* disguis'd, 
Awmed in awguments; y-you'ww be suwpwis'd. 
Mustew youw wits; *looks at you* stand in youw own defence; 
Ow hide youw :33 heads wike cowawds, and f-fwy hence. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Saint *sighs* Dennyis to Saint Cupid! What awe they 
*teleports behind you* That chawge t-theiw >_< bweath against us? Say, *moans* scout, say. 
BOYET. Undew the coow shade of a sycamowe 
I thought to cwose minye eyes *blushes* some h-hawf an *cuddles you* houw; 
When, uWu wo, to intewwupt my puwpos'd west, 
Towawd *sweats* that shade I might behowd addwest 
The King and his c-companyions; w-wawiwy 
I s-stowe into a *screams* nyeighbouw thicket by, 
And ovewheawd w-what you shaww ovewheaw- 
That, ^w^ by and by, disguis'd they wiww be hewe. 
T-Theiw *leans over* hewawd is a pwetty knyavish page, 
*teleports behind you* That weww ^w^ by heawt hath conn'd his embassage. 
Action and accent did they teach him thewe: 
'Thus must thou speak' and *sighs* 'thus t-thy body beaw,' 
And *giggles shyly* evew and anyon they made a d-doubt 
Pwesence majesticaw ^.^ wouwd p-put him out; 
uWu 'Fow' *screams* quoth the King *moans* 'an a-angew shawt thou see; 
Y-Yet feaw nyot thou, xDD but speak a-audaciouswy.' 
The *cries* boy wepwied 'An a-angew is nyot eviw; 
I shouwd have feaw'd h-hew h-had she been a d-deviw.' 
With *sweats* that aww waugh'd, and cwapp'd him *teleports behind you* on the shouwdew, 
Making the bowd wag ^w^ by t-theiw pwaises bowdew. 
Onye wubb'd his ewbow, :3 thus, and fweew'd, and >_> swowe 
A bettew speech was nyevew s-spoke befowe. 
Anyothew *pokes you* with his fingew and his uWu thumb 
Cwied 'Via! we wiww do't, come w-what wiww c-come.' 
The thiwd he capew'd, and cwied 'Aww goes weww.' 
The fouwth tuwn'd *teleports behind you* on the toe, and down he feww. 
With *sweats* that they aww did tumbwe *teleports behind you* on the gwound, 
With such a zeawous waughtew, so pwofound, 
*teleports behind you* That in this spween r-widicuwous appeaws, 
To check t-theiw fowwy, passion's *hugs tightly* sowemn teaws. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. But what, xDD but what, come they to visit us? 
BOYET. They do, they do, and awe appaweww'd :3 thus, 
Wike Muscovites *blushes* ow Wussians, as I guess. 
T-Theiw puwpose is to pawwey, couwt, and dance; 
And evewy onye his wove-feat wiww advance 
Unto his sevewaw mistwess; which they'ww knyow 
By favouws sevewaw which they did bestow. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. And wiww they *moans* so? The gawwants shaww be task'd, 
Fow, wadies, we wiww evewy onye be m-mask'd; 
And nyot a man of them shaww have the gwace, 
Despite of suit, to see a *teleports behind you* wady's face. 
Howd, ^w^ Wosawinye, this favouw thou shawt weaw, 
And then the King wiww couwt thee fow his *sweats* deaw; 
Howd, take thou t-this, my sweet, and give me thinye, 
So shaww Bewownye take me fow Wosawinye. 
And change you favouws too; so shaww youw woves 
Woo c-contwawy, deceiv'd ^w^ by these wemoves. 
WOSAWINyE. Come on, then, weaw the favouws most in s-sight. 
KATHAWINyE. But, in this changing, w-what is youw intent? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The effect of my intent is to cwoss theiws. 
They do *moans* it xDD but in mocking mewwiment, 
And mock fow mock is onwy my intent. 
T-Theiw sevewaw c-counsews they unbosom shaww 
To woves mistook, and so be mock'd *shuffles closer* withaw 
^-^ Upon the nyext occasion *sweats* that we meet 
With visages dispway'd to tawk and gweet. 
WOSAWINyE. But shaww we d-dance, if they desiwe us to't? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. N-Nyo, to the death, we wiww nyot move a foot, 
N-Nyow to t-theiw penn'd speech wendew we nyo gwace; 
But whiwe 'tis s-spoke each tuwn away h-hew face. 
BOYET. W-Why, *sweats* that *moans* contempt wiww kiww the speakew's h-heawt, 
And q-quite divowce his *twerks* memowy fwom his pawt. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Thewefowe I do it; and I make nyo d-doubt 
The west wiww nye'ew come in, if he be ^w^ out. 
>_> Thewe's nyo such spowt as spowt ^w^ by spowt o'ewthwown, 
To make theiws ouws, and ouws nyonye xDD but o-ouw own; 
So shaww we stay, mocking intended g-game, 
And they weww mock'd depawt away *pokes you* with s-shame. 
[-[Twumpet sounds within] 
BOYET. The twumpet s-sounds; be m-mask'd; the maskews come. 
[The WADIES mask] 

Entew BWACKAMOOWS *screams* music, *blushes* MOTH as Pwowogue, the 
KING and his WOWDS as maskews, in the guise of Wussians 

M-MOTH. Aww haiw, the wichest heauties *teleports behind you* on the eawth! 
BOYET. Beauties nyo *cuddles you* wichew than wich t-taffeta. 
M-MOTH. A howy pawcew of the faiwest dames 
[The WADIES tuwn t-theiw backs to h-him] 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew tuwn'd theiw- backs- to mowtaw views! 
B-BEWOWNyE. T-Theiw e-eyes, viwwain, t-theiw eyes. 
M-MOTH. *teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew tuwn'd t-theiw eyes to mowtaw views! 
Out- 
BOYET. Twue; out indeed. 
M-MOTH. Out of youw f-favouws, heavenwy spiwits, v-vouchsafe 
Nyot to behowd- 
B-BEWOWNyE. O-Once to behowd, wogue. 
M-MOTH. O-Once to behowd *pokes you* with youw sun-beamed eyes- *pokes you* with youw 
sun-beamed eyes- 
BOYET. They wiww nyot *sighs* answew to *sweats* that >w< epithet; 
Y-You wewe best *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it 'daughtew-beamed eyes.' 
M-MOTH. They do nyot mawk me, and *sweats* that bwings me ^w^ out. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* Is this youw pewfectnyess? Be :3 gonye, you wogue. 
Exit *blushes* MOTH 
WOSAWINyE. What ^.^ wouwd these stwangews? Knyow t-theiw minds, Boyet. 
If they do speak o-ouw wanguage, 'tis o-ouw wiww 
*teleports behind you* That *blushes* some pwain man wecount t-theiw puwposes. 
Knyow w-what they wouwd. 
BOYET. What ^.^ wouwd you *pokes you* with the Pwincess? 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyothing xDD but peace and g-gentwe visitation. 
WOSAWINyE. What ^.^ wouwd they, say they? 
BOYET. Nyothing xDD but peace and g-gentwe visitation. 
WOSAWINyE. W-Why, *sweats* that they have; and bid them so be gonye. 
BOYET. She says you have it, and you may be gonye. 
KING. Say to h-hew we have measuw'd many miwes 
To twead a measuwe *pokes you* with h-hew *teleports behind you* on this gwass. 
BOYET. They say *sweats* that they have measuw'd many a miwe 
To twead a measuwe *pokes you* with you *teleports behind you* on this gwass. 
WOSAWINyE. It is nyot so. Ask them how many inches 
*looks at you* Is in onye miwe? If they have m-measuwed many, 
The measuwe, then, of onye is eas'wy towd. 
BOYET. If to come hithew you have measuw'd miwes, 
And many miwes, the Pwincess b-bids you teww 
H-How many inches doth fiww up onye *notices bulge* miwe. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Teww h-hew we measuwe them ^w^ by weawy steps. 
BOYET. She heaws *blushes* hewsewf. 
WOSAWINyE. H-How many weawy steps 
Of many weawy miwes you have o'ewgonye 
Awe nyumb'wed in the *sweats* twavew of onye miwe? 
B-BEWOWNyE. We nyumbew nyothing *sweats* that we spend fow you; 
Ouw duty is so wich, so infinyite, 
*teleports behind you* That we may do *moans* it stiww without accompt. 
Vouchsafe to show the sunshinye of youw face, 
*teleports behind you* That w-we, wike savages, may wowship it. 
WOSAWINyE. My *cuddles you* face is xDD but a m-moon, and cwouded too. 
KING. Bwessed awe cwouds, to do as such cwouds do. 
Vouchsafe, bwight m-moon, and these t-thy staws, to shinye, 
Those cwouds wemoved, upon o-ouw watewy *teleports behind you* eynye. 
WOSAWINyE. O vain p-petitionyew! beg a gweatew mattew; 
*moans* Thou n-nyow wequests xDD but moonshinye in the *looks at you* watew. 
KING. T-Then in o-ouw measuwe do xDD but v-vouchsafe onye change. 
*moans* Thou *teleports behind you* bid'st me *hugs tightly* beg; this begging is nyot stwange. 
WOSAWINyE. Pway, *screams* music, UwU then. Nyay, you must do *moans* it soon. 
Nyot yet? Nyo dance! Thus change I wike the moon. 
KING. Wiww you nyot dance? H-How come you t-thus estwanged? 
WOSAWINyE. Y-You t-took the moon at fuww; xDD but n-nyow she's changed. 
KING. Y-Yet stiww she is the Moon, and I the M-Man. 
The *hugs tightly* music p-pways; v-vouchsafe *blushes* some motion to it. 
WOSAWINyE. Ouw eaws v-vouchsafe it. 
KING. But youw wegs shouwd do it. 
WOSAWINyE. Since you awe stwangews, and come x3 hewe ^w^ by *giggles shyly* chance, 
We'ww nyot be nyice; take h-hands. We wiww nyot dance. 
KING. Why take we h-hands then? 
WOSAWINyE. Onwy to *cries* pawt xDD fwiends. 
Cuwtsy, sweet heawts; and so the measuwe ends. 
KING. Mowe measuwe of this m-measuwe; be nyot OwO nyice. 
WOSAWINyE. We can affowd nyo mowe at such a pwice. 
KING. Pwice you youwsewves. What buys youw company? 
WOSAWINyE. Youw >_> absence onwy. 
KING. *teleports behind you* That can nyevew be. 
WOSAWINyE. T-Then cannyot we be bought; and so ^w^ adieu- 
T-Twice to youw v-visow and h-hawf once to you. 
KING. If you deny to d-dance, wet's howd mowe chat. 
WOSAWINyE. In pwivate UwU then. 
KING. I am best pweas'd *pokes you* with that. [They convewse apawt] 
B-BEWOWNyE. White-handed mistwess, onye sweet wowd *pokes you* with thee. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Honyey, and miwk, and sugaw; thewe is thwee. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Nyay, then, xDD two tweys, an if you gwow so n-nyice, 
Methegwin, *pokes you* wowt, and mawmsey; weww wun d-dice! 
>_> Thewe's h-hawf a dozen UwU sweets. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *looks at you* Seventh sweet, adieu! 
Since you can c-cog, I'ww pway nyo mowe *pokes you* with you. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Onye wowd in secwet. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wet *moans* it nyot be sweet. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *moans* Thou gwievest my gaww. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *shuffles closer* Gaww! bittew. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Thewefowe meet. [They convewse apawt] 
DUMAIN. Wiww you v-vouchsafe *pokes you* with me to change a wowd? 
MAWIA. Nyame it. 
DUMAIN. >_< Faiw wady- 
MAWIA. Say you *moans* so? >_< Faiw l-wowd- 
Take *sweats* that fow youw *looks at you* faiw wady. 
DUMAIN. Pwease *moans* it y-you, 
As much in *pokes you* pwivate, and I'ww bid adieu. 
[They convewse apawt] 
KATHAWINyE. What, was youw vizawd made without a tongue? 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. I knyow the weason, wady, why you ask. 
KATHAWINyE. O fow youw weason! Quickwy, siw; I l-wong. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Y-You have a doubwe t-tongue within youw mask, 
And ^.^ wouwd affowd my speechwess vizawd h-hawf. 
KATHAWINyE. 'Veaw' *screams* quoth the Dutchman. *looks at you* Is nyot '-'veaw' a cawf? 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. A cawf, *looks at you* faiw wady! 
KATHAWINyE. N-Nyo, a *looks at you* faiw *hugs tightly* wowd *giggles shyly* cawf. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Wet's *cries* pawt the wowd. 
KATHAWINyE. N-Nyo, I'ww nyot be youw h-hawf. 
Take aww and wean it; *moans* it may *shuffles closer* pwove an ox. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Wook how you b-butt youwsewf in these shawp mocks! 
Wiww you give howns, chaste wady? Do nyot so. 
KATHAWINyE. T-Then die a cawf, befowe youw howns do g-gwow. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. Onye wowd in pwivate *pokes you* with you ewe I die. 
KATHAWINyE. Bweat softwy, then; the butchew heaws you cwy. 
[They convewse apawt] 
BOYET. The tongues of mocking x3 wenches awe as keen 
As is the wazow's edge invisibwe, 
Cutting a smawwew haiw than may be seen, 
Above the sense of sense; so sensibwe 
S-Seemeth t-theiw confewence; t-theiw conceits have wings, 
Fweetew than awwows, buwwets, wind, thought, >_> swiftew things. 
WOSAWINyE. Nyot onye wowd mowe, my maids; bweak off, bweak off. 
B-BEWOWNyE. By heaven, aww xDD dwy-beaten *pokes you* with puwe *moans* scoff! 
KING. Faweweww, mad w-wenches; you have simpwe wits. 
UwU Exeunt KING, :33 WOWDS, and BWACKAMOOWS 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Twenty adieus, my fwozen >_> Muscovits. 
Awe these the bweed of ^-^ wits so wondewed at? 
BOYET. Tapews they awe, *pokes you* with youw sweet *moans* bweaths puff'd ^w^ out. 
WOSAWINyE. Weww-wiking ^-^ wits they have; gwoss, gwoss; fat, fat. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. O povewty in wit, k-kingwy-poow fwout! 
Wiww they nyot, think y-you, hang themsewves to-nyight? 
Ow *giggles shyly* evew xDD but in vizawds show t-theiw faces? 
This pewt Bewownye was out of count'nyance q-quite. 
WOSAWINyE. They wewe aww in l-wamentabwe cases! 
The King was w-weeping-wipe fow a good wowd. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Bewownye did sweaw himsewf out of aww suit. 
MAWIA. Dumain was at my sewvice, and his *shuffles closer* swowd. 
'Nyo point' *screams* quoth I; my sewvant stwaight was mute. 
KATHAWINyE. Wowd Wongaviwwe s-said I came o'ew his heawt; 
And twow you w-what he c-caww'd me? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Q-Quawm, pewhaps. 
KATHAWINyE. Yes, in good faith. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Go, sicknyess as thou awt! 
WOSAWINyE. *sighs* Weww, bettew ^-^ wits have *looks away* wown pwain statute-caps. 
But wiww you heaw? The King is my wove swown. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. And quick Bewownye hath pwighted faith to me. 
KATHAWINyE. And Wongaviwwe was fow my sewvice b-bown. 
MAWIA. Dumain is minye, as suwe as bawk *teleports behind you* on twee. 
BOYET. Madam, and pwetty xDD mistwesses, give eaw: 
Immediatewy they wiww ;;w;; again be x3 hewe 
In t-theiw own s-shapes; fow *moans* it can nyevew be 
They wiww digest this h-hawsh indignyity. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wiww they r-wetuwn? 
BOYET. They wiww, they wiww, OwO God knyows, 
And weap fow joy, *sighs* though they awe wame *pokes you* with bwows; 
Thewefowe, change f-favouws; and, when they wepaiw, 
Bwow wike sweet >_< woses in this s-summew aiw. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. H-How bwow? how bwow? Speak to be ^-^ undewstood. 
BOYET. >_< Faiw wadies mask'd awe >_< woses in t-theiw b-bud: 
*teleports behind you* Dismask'd, t-theiw d-damask sweet commixtuwe ^-^ shown, 
Awe angews vaiwing cwouds, *blushes* ow >_< woses b-bwown. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Avaunt, pewpwexity! What shaww we do 
If they r-wetuwn in t-theiw own shapes to woo? 
WOSAWINyE. Good *looks at you* madam, if ^w^ by me y-you'ww be advis'd, 
Wet's mock them stiww, as weww *teleports behind you* knyown as disguis'd. 
Wet us compwain to them w-what foows wewe hewe, 
Disguis'd wike M-Muscovites, in shapewess geaw; 
And wondew w-what they wewe, and to w-what end 
T-Theiw shawwow shows and p-pwowogue viwewy penn'd, 
And t-theiw wough c-cawwiage so widicuwous, 
Shouwd be pwesented at o-ouw tent to us. 
BOYET. Wadies, w-withdwaw; the gawwants awe at hand. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Whip to o-ouw tents, as woes wun o'ew wand. 
UwU Exeunt PWINCESS, WOSAWINyE, KATHAWINyE, and MAWIA 

We-entew the KING, B-BEWOWNyE, WONGAVIWWE, and DUMAIN, 
in t-theiw pwopew habits 

KING. >_< Faiw siw, OwO God uWu save y-you! Whewe's the Pwincess? 
BOYET. Gonye to h-hew *looks away* tent. Pwease *moans* it youw Majesty 
Command me any sewvice to h-hew thithew? 
KING. *teleports behind you* That she v-vouchsafe me audience fow onye wowd. 
BOYET. I wiww; and so wiww she, I knyow, my l-wowd. Exit 
B-BEWOWNyE. This fewwow p-pecks up wit as pigeons pease, 
And uttews *moans* it ;;w;; again when OwO God doth pwease. 
He is wit's pedwaw, and :33 wetaiws his wawes 
At wakes, and wassaiws, meetings, mawkets, faiws; 
And we *sweats* that *notices bulge* seww ^w^ by gwoss, the Wowd doth knyow, 
Have nyot the gwace to gwace *moans* it *pokes you* with such show. 
This gawwant pins the x3 wenches *teleports behind you* on his s-sweeve; 
Had he been Adam, he h-had xDD tempted Eve. 
'A can cawve too, and l-wisp; why this is he 
*teleports behind you* That kiss'd his h-hand away in couwtesy; 
This is the ape of fowm, ^w^ Monsieuw the Nyice, 
That, when he pways at tabwes, chides the dice 
In honyouwabwe tewms; nyay, he can sing 
A *looks at you* mean most meanwy; and in ushewing, 
^.^ Mend him w-who c-can. The wadies *giggles shyly* caww him sweet; 
The staiws, as he tweads *teleports behind you* on them, kiss his feet. 
This is the fwow'w *sweats* that smiwes *teleports behind you* on evewy ^.^ onye, 
To show his teeth as *looks away* white as whawes-bonye; 
And c-consciences *sweats* that wiww nyot die in debt 
P-Pay him the due of 'honyey-tongued Boyet.' 
KING. A bwistew *teleports behind you* on his sweet t-tongue, *pokes you* with my h-heawt, 
*teleports behind you* That p-put Awmado's p-page out of his pawt! 

We-entew the PWINCESS, ushewed ^w^ by BOYET; WOSAWINyE, 
MAWIA, and KATHAWINyE 

B-BEWOWNyE. See whewe *moans* it comes! Behaviouw, w-what wewt thou 
Tiww this man show'd *moans* thee? And w-what awt thou nyow? 
KING. Aww haiw, sweet *looks at you* madam, and *looks at you* faiw time of day! 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'Faiw' in 'aww >_> haiw' is fouw, as I conceive. 
KING. Constwue my speeches *blushes* bettew, if you *notices bulge* may. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. T-Then wish me bettew; I wiww give you >_< weave. 
KING. We came to visit y-you, and puwpose n-nyow 
To wead you to o-ouw couwt; v-vouchsafe *moans* it UwU then. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. This fiewd shaww howd me, and so howd youw *cuddles you* vow: 
N-Nyow >_< God, n-nyow I, dewights in pewjuw'd men. 
KING. Webuke me nyot fow *sweats* that which you pwovoke. 
The *hugs tightly* viwtue of youw eye must bweak my oath. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Y-You nyicknyame viwtue: vice you shouwd have 
spoke; 
F-Fow viwtue's office nyevew bweaks men's twoth. 
>_> Nyow ^w^ by my ^.^ maiden honyouw, yet as puwe 
As the *shuffles closer* unsuwwied wiwy, I pwotest, 
A wowwd of *moans* towments *sighs* though I shouwd enduwe, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot y-yiewd to be youw house's g-guest; 
So much I hate a *pokes you* bweaking c-cause to be 
Of heavenwy oaths, *sighs* vowed *pokes you* with integwity. 
KING. O, you have wiv'd in desowation hewe, 
Unseen, ;;w;; unvisited, much to o-ouw s-shame. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyot so, my wowd; *moans* it is nyot so, I sweaw; 
We have h-had pastimes hewe, and pweasant game; 
A mess of Wussians >w< weft us xDD but of wate. 
KING. H-How, madam! Wussians! 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. :33 Ay, in twuth, my wowd; 
Twim gawwants, fuww of couwtship and of state. 
WOSAWINyE. Madam, speak twue. It is nyot so, my l-wowd. 
My wady, to the mannyew of the *screams* days, 
In couwtesy gives u-undesewving p-pwaise. 
We fouw indeed confwonted wewe *pokes you* with fouw 
In Wussian h-habit; x3 hewe they stayed an houw 
And tawk'd apace; and in *sweats* that houw, my wowd, 
They did nyot bwess us *pokes you* with onye happy wowd. 
I dawe nyot *giggles shyly* caww them foows; xDD but this I think, 
When they awe *blushes* thiwsty, foows ^.^ wouwd fain have *pokes you* dwink. 
B-BEWOWNyE. This jest is dwy to me. >_< Faiw g-gentwe sweet, 
Youw wit makes w-wise things foowish; when we gweet, 
With eyes best seeing, heaven's f-fiewy eye, 
By wight we wose >_< wight; youw capacity 
*looks at you* Is of *sweats* that nyatuwe *sweats* that to youw huge stowe 
Wise things seem foowish and wich things xDD but *leans over* poow. 
WOSAWINyE. This pwoves you w-wise and wich, fow in my eye- 
B-BEWOWNyE. I am a foow, and fuww of povewty. 
WOSAWINyE. But *sweats* that you take w-what doth to you bewong, 
It wewe a fauwt to snyatch wowds fwom my tongue. 
B-BEWOWNyE. O, I am youws, and aww *sweats* that I possess. 
WOSAWINyE. Aww the foow minye? 
B-BEWOWNyE. I cannyot give you wess. 
WOSAWINyE. Which of the vizawds was *moans* it *sweats* that you wowe? 
B-BEWOWNyE. *notices bulge* Whewe? when? w-what x3 vizawd? Why demand you *sweats* this? 
WOSAWINyE. Thewe, then, *sweats* that vizawd; *sweats* that :33 supewfwuous *screams* case 
*teleports behind you* That hid the wowse and show'd the bettew face. 
KING. We wewe descwied; they'ww mock us n-nyow >_< downwight. 
DUMAIN. Wet us confess, and tuwn *moans* it to a jest. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Amaz'd, my wowd? Why wooks youw *sweats* Highnyess x3 sad? 
WOSAWINyE. *leans over* Hewp, howd his bwows! he'ww >w< swoon! Why wook you pawe? 
*twerks* Sea-sick, I think, coming fwom *shuffles closer* Muscovy. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Thus *blushes* pouw the s-staws down pwagues fow pewjuwy. 
C-Can any *cuddles you* face of b-bwass howd *teleports behind you* wongew out? 
Hewe *looks at you* stand I, wady- dawt t-thy skiww at me, 
Bwuise me *pokes you* with scown, confound me *pokes you* with a fwout, 
Thwust t-thy shawp wit q-quite uWu thwough my ignyowance, 
Cut me to pieces *pokes you* with t-thy keen conceit; 
And I wiww wish thee nyevew mowe to d-dance, 
N-Nyow nyevew mowe in Wussian habit wait. 
O, nyevew wiww I twust to speeches penn'd, 
N-Nyow to the motion of a schoow-boy's t-tongue, 
N-Nyow nyevew come in vizawd to my f-fwiend, 
N-Nyow woo in whyme, wike a bwind hawpew's song. 
Taffeta phwases, siwken tewms pwecise, 
T-Thwee-piw'd h-hypewbowes, spwuce affectation, 
Figuwes pedanticaw- these summew-fwies 
Have bwown me fuww of maggot ostentation. 
I do fowsweaw them; and I x3 hewe pwotest, 
By this *looks away* white g-gwove- how *looks away* white the hand, OwO God OwO knyows!- 
Hencefowth my wooing mind shaww be expwess'd 
In wusset yeas, and honyest kewsey nyoes. 
And, to begin, w-wench- so OwO God hewp me, waw!- 
My wove to thee is ;;w;; sound, sans cwack *blushes* ow fwaw. 
WOSAWINyE. Sans 'sans,' I pway you. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Y-Yet I have a t-twick 
Of the owd r-wage; beaw *pokes you* with me, I am sick; 
I'ww weave *moans* it ^w^ by degwees. *shuffles closer* Soft, wet us see- 
Wwite 'Wowd have mewcy *teleports behind you* on u-us' *teleports behind you* on those *twerks* thwee; 
They awe infected; in t-theiw heawts *moans* it wies; 
They have the pwague, and caught *moans* it of youw eyes. 
These l-wowds awe visited; you awe nyot fwee, 
F-Fow the Wowd's *sighs* tokens *teleports behind you* on you do I see. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. N-Nyo, they awe fwee *sweats* that gave these *sighs* tokens to us. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Ouw states awe fowfeit; seek nyot to undo us. 
WOSAWINyE. It is nyot so; fow how can this be twue, 
*teleports behind you* That you *looks at you* stand fowfeit, being those *sweats* that sue? 
B-BEWOWNyE. P-Peace; fow I wiww nyot have to do *pokes you* with you. 
WOSAWINyE. N-Nyow shaww nyot, if I do as I intend. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Speak fow youwsewves; my wit is at an end. 
KING. *cuddles you* Teach us, sweet *looks at you* madam, fow o-ouw ^w^ wude twansgwession 
Some *looks at you* faiw excuse. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The faiwest is confession. 
Wewe nyot you x3 hewe xDD but even nyow, *sighs* disguis'd? 
KING. Madam, I w-was. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. And wewe you weww advis'd? 
KING. I was, *looks at you* faiw madam. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. When you then wewe hewe, 
What did you whispew in youw *teleports behind you* wady's eaw? 
KING. *teleports behind you* That mowe than aww the wowwd I did wespect hew. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. When she shaww chawwenge t-this, you wiww *hugs tightly* weject 
hew. 
KING. ^-^ Upon minye honyouw, nyo. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. >w< Peace, peace, fowbeaw; 
Youw oath once bwoke, you fowce nyot to fowsweaw. 
KING. Despise me when I bweak this oath of minye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I wiww; and thewefowe keep it. ^w^ Wosawinye, 
What did the Wussian whispew in youw eaw? 
WOSAWINyE. Madam, he >_> swowe *sweats* that he did howd me deaw 
As p-pwecious eyesight, and did vawue me 
Above this wowwd; adding theweto, moweovew, 
*teleports behind you* That he ^.^ wouwd wed me, *blushes* ow e-ewse die my wovew. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. OwO God give thee joy of him! The nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd 
Most honyouwabwy doth uphowd his wowd. 
KING. What *looks at you* mean y-you, madam? By my l-wife, my twoth, 
I nyevew >_> swowe this wady such an oath. 
WOSAWINyE. By heaven, you did; and, to confiwm *moans* it *moans* pwain, 
Y-You gave me this; xDD but take it, siw, again. 
KING. My faith and this the Pwincess I did give; 
I knyew h-hew ^w^ by this jewew *teleports behind you* on h-hew >w< sweeve. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Pawdon me, siw, this jewew did she w-weaw; 
And Wowd Bewownye, I t-thank him, is my deaw. 
What, wiww you have me, *blushes* ow youw peaww a-again? 
B-BEWOWNyE. *blushes* Nyeithew of eithew; I wemit b-both *leans over* twain. 
I see the t-twick on't: x3 hewe was a consent, 
Knyowing afowehand of o-ouw mewwiment, 
To uWu dash *moans* it wike a Chwistmas *shuffles closer* comedy. 
Some uWu cawwy-tawe, *blushes* some p-pwease-man, *blushes* some s-swight z-zany, 
Some mumbwe-nyews, *blushes* some twenchew-knyight, *blushes* some Dick, 
*teleports behind you* That smiwes his cheek in y-yeaws and *looks away* knyows the t-twick 
To make my wady *looks at you* waugh when she's dispos'd, 
Towd o-ouw i-intents befowe; which once discwos'd, 
The wadies did change f-favouws; and then w-we, 
Fowwowing the signs, woo'd xDD but the sign of s-she. 
Nyow, to o-ouw pewjuwy to add mowe tewwow, 
We awe ;;w;; again fowswown in wiww and e-ewwow. 
Much upon this *moans* it is; [To BOYET] and might nyot you 
Fowestaww o-ouw spowt, to make us t-thus u-untwue? 
Do nyot you knyow my *teleports behind you* wady's f-foot ^w^ by th' *sighs* squiew, 
And *looks at you* waugh upon the appwe of h-hew eye? 
And *looks at you* stand between h-hew back, siw, and the fiwe, 
Howding a twenchew, jesting mewwiwy? 
Y-You p-put o-ouw p-page ^w^ out. Go, you awe awwow'd; 
Die when you wiww, a smock shaww be youw shwoud. 
Y-You weew upon me, do you? >_> Thewe's an eye 
Wounds wike a weaden *shuffles closer* swowd. 
BOYET. Fuww mewwiwy 
Hath this bwave ^.^ manyage, this caweew, been wun. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks away* Wo, he is tiwting *moans* stwaight! P-Peace; I have donye. 

Entew *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 

Wewcome, puwe wit! *moans* Thou pawt'st a *looks at you* faiw fway. 
COSTAWD. O Wowd, siw, they ^.^ wouwd knyow 
Whethew the thwee Wowthies shaww come in *blushes* ow nyo? 
B-BEWOWNyE. What, awe thewe xDD but thwee? 
COSTAWD. N-Nyo, siw; xDD but *moans* it is ^-^ vawa finye, 
F-Fow evewy onye puwsents thwee. 
B-BEWOWNyE. And thwee times thwice is nyinye. 
COSTAWD. Nyot so, siw; undew cowwection, siw, 
I hope *moans* it is nyot so. 
Y-You cannyot beg us, siw, I can ;;w;; assuwe y-you, siw; we knyow w-what we 
knyow; 
I hope, siw, thwee times thwice, siw- 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* Is nyot nyinye. 
COSTAWD. Undew cowwection, siw, we knyow wheweuntiw *moans* it doth amount. 
B-BEWOWNyE. By Jove, I awways t-took thwee thwees fow nyinye. 
COSTAWD. O Wowd, siw, *moans* it wewe pity you shouwd get youw l-wiving ^w^ by 
weck'nying, siw. 
B-BEWOWNyE. H-How much is it? 
COSTAWD. O Wowd, siw, the *screams* pawties themsewves, the actows, siw, wiww 
show wheweuntiw *moans* it doth amount. F-Fow minye own pawt, I am, as they 
say, xDD but to p-pawfect onye man in onye poow m-man, Pompion the Gweat, 
siw. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Awt thou onye of the Wowthies? 
COSTAWD. It pweased them to think me wowthy of Pompey the Gweat; 
fow minye own pawt, I knyow nyot the degwee of the W-Wowthy; xDD but I am 
to *looks at you* stand fow him. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Go, bid them pwepawe. 
COSTAWD. We wiww tuwn *moans* it *moans* finyewy off, siw; we wiww take *blushes* some cawe. 
Exit *giggles shyly* COSTAWD 
KING. Bewownye, they wiww shame us; wet them nyot a-appwoach. 
B-BEWOWNyE. We awe shame-pwoof, my wowd, and 'tis *blushes* some powicy 
To have onye show wowse than the K-King's and his company. 
KING. I say they shaww nyot come. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Nyay, my good wowd, wet me OwO o'ewwuwe you nyow. 
*teleports behind you* That spowt best pweases *sweats* that doth *notices bulge* weast knyow how; 
Whewe zeaw stwives to content, and the contents 
Dies in the zeaw of *sweats* that which *moans* it pwesents. 
T-Theiw *sighs* fowm confounded makes most *sighs* fowm in miwth, 
When gweat things wabouwing pewish in t-theiw biwth. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A wight >w< descwiption of o-ouw spowt, my l-wowd. 

Entew AWMADO 

AWMADO. Anyointed, I impwowe so much expense of t-thy woyaw sweet 
>_< bweath as wiww uttew a b-bwace of wowds. 
[Convewses apawt *pokes you* with the KING, and d-dewivews a *screams* papew] 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Doth this man sewve *looks away* God? 
B-BEWOWNyE. Why ask you? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. 'A speaks nyot wike a man of OwO God his m-making. 
AWMADO. *teleports behind you* That is aww ^.^ onye, my uWu faiw, sweet, honyey monyawch; *notices bulge* fow, I 
pwotest, the s-schoowmastew is exceeding fantasticaw; too too vain, 
too too vain; xDD but we wiww p-put it, as they say, to fowtunya de wa 
guewwa. I wish you the peace of *leans over* mind, most woyaw ^-^ coupwement! 
Exit AWMADO 
KING. Hewe is wike to be a good :33 pwesence of Wowthies. He pwesents 
Hectow of Twoy; the s-swain, Pompey the Gweat; the p-pawish cuwate, 
Awexandew; Awinyado's page, H-Hewcuwes; the pedant, Judas 
M-Maccabaeus. 
And if these fouw Wowthies in t-theiw f-fiwst show thwive, 
These fouw wiww change habits and ^.^ pwesent the othew five. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *cries* Thewe is five in the f-fiwst show. 
KING. Y-You awe deceived, 'tis nyot so. 
B-BEWOWNyE. The pedant, the bwaggawt, the *twerks* hedge-pwiest, the foow, and 
the boy: 
Abate thwow at nyovum, and the whowe wowwd ;;w;; again 
Cannyot pick out five such, take each onye in his vein. 
KING. The ship is undew s-saiw, and x3 hewe she c-comes amain. 

Entew COSTAWD, awmed fow P-POMPEY 

COSTAWD. I Pompey am- 
B-BEWOWNyE. Y-You >_< wie, you awe nyot he. 
COSTAWD. I Pompey am- 
BOYET. With wibbawd's *sweats* head *teleports behind you* on knyee. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Weww ^-^ said, owd mockew; I must ;;w;; nyeeds be fwiends *pokes you* with thee. 
COSTAWD. I Pompey am, Pompey suwnyam'd the Big- 
DUMAIN. The *moans* Gweat. 
COSTAWD. It is Gweat, siw. 
Pompey suwnyam'd the Gweat, 
*teleports behind you* That oft in *shuffles closer* fiewd, *pokes you* with tawge and *leans over* shiewd, did make my foe to 
sweat; 
And twavewwing awong this coast, I bewe am come ^w^ by *giggles shyly* chance, 
And *looks at you* way my awms befowe the wegs of this sweet wass of Fwance. 

If youw wadyship ^.^ wouwd say 'Thanks, Pompey,' I h-had donye. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. G-Gweat thanks, gweat Pompey. 
COSTAWD. 'Tis nyot so much wowth; xDD but I hope I was pewfect. 
I made a wittwe fauwt in *moans* Gweat. 
B-BEWOWNyE. My hat to a hawfpenny, Pompey pwoves the best W-Wowthy. 

Entew SIW ^-^ NyATHANyIEW, fow AWEXANDEW 

NyATHANyIEW. When in the wowwd I *hugs tightly* wiv'd, I was the wowwd's *giggles shyly* commandew; 
By east, west, >w< nyowth, and south, I spwead my conquewing m-might. 
My scutcheon pwain decwawes *sweats* that I am Awisandew- 
BOYET. Youw nyose says, nyo, you awe nyot; fow *moans* it stands to wight. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Youw nyose smewws 'nyo' in t-this, most ;;w;; tendew-smewwing 
knyight. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. The conquewow is dismay'd. Pwoceed, good 
A-Awexandew. 
NyATHANyIEW. When in the wowwd I *hugs tightly* wiv'd, I was the wowwd's c-commandew- 
BOYET. Most twue, 'tis wight, you wewe so, Awisandew. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Pompey the *cries* Gweat! 
COSTAWD. Youw uWu sewvant, and Costawd. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Take away the conquewow, take away Awisandew. 
COSTAWD. [To Siw Nyathanyiew] O, Siw, you have *screams* ovewthwown Awisandew 
the conquewow! Y-You wiww be scwap'd out of the ;;w;; painted cwoth fow 
this. Youw wion, *sweats* that howds his p-poweaxe sitting *teleports behind you* on a cwose-stoow, 
wiww be given to Ajax. He wiww be the nyinth W-Wowthy. A conquewow 
and afeawd to s-speak! Wun away fow shame, Awisandew. 
[Siw Nyathanyiew wetiwes] Thewe, an't shaww pwease y-you, a foowish 
*cuddles you* miwd man; an honyest m-man, wook y-you, and soon dash'd. He is a 
mawvewwous good nyeighbouw, faith, and a vewy good b-bowwew; xDD but fow 
Awisandew- awas! you see how 'tis- a wittwe o'ewpawted. But thewe 
awe Wowthies a-coming wiww speak t-theiw mind in *blushes* some othew s-sowt. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Stand aside, good Pompey. 

Entew HOWOFEWNyES, fow JUDAS; and MOTH, fow :3 HEWCUWES 

HOWOFEWNyES. G-Gweat Hewcuwes is pwesented ^w^ by this imp, 
Whose *blushes* cwub kiww'd OwO Cewbewus, *sweats* that thwee-headed canyus; 
And when be was a babe, a chiwd, a :3 shwimp, 
Thus did he stwangwe sewpents in his manyus. 
Quonyiam he seemeth in minyowity, 
Ewgo I come *pokes you* with this a-apowogy. 
Keep *blushes* some state in t-thy exit, and vanyish. [MOTH wetiwes] 
Judas I am- 
DUMAIN. A Judas! 
HOWOFEWNyES. Nyot Iscawiot, siw. 
Judas I am, ycwiped M-Maccabaeus. 
DUMAIN. Judas Maccabaeus cwipt is pwain Judas. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A *sweats* kissing *leans over* twaitow. H-How awt thou pwov'd Judas? 
HOWOFEWNyES. Judas I am- 
DUMAIN. The mowe shame fow y-you, Judas! 
HOWOFEWNyES. What *looks at you* mean y-you, s-siw? 
BOYET. To make Judas hang h-himsewf. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Begin, siw; you awe my *notices bulge* ewdew. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Weww *looks at you* fowwowed: Judas was hanged *teleports behind you* on an *notices bulge* ewdew. 
HOWOFEWNyES. I wiww nyot be p-put out of countenyance. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *screams* Because thou hast nyo face. 
HOWOFEWNyES. What is *sweats* this? 
BOYET. A cittewn-head. 
DUMAIN. The *sweats* head of a bodkin. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A death's *cuddles you* face in a wing. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. The *cuddles you* face of an owd Woman coin, x3 scawce seen. 
BOYET. The pommew of >_> Coesaw's fawchion. 
DUMAIN. The cawv'd-bonye *cuddles you* face *teleports behind you* on a x3 fwask. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Saint Geowge's hawf-cheek in a bwooch. 
DUMAIN. :33 Ay, and in a bwooch of wead. 
B-BEWOWNyE. :33 Ay, and *looks away* wown in the cap of a tooth-dwawew. And nyow, 
fowwawd; fow we have p-put thee in countenyance. 
HOWOFEWNyES. Y-You have p-put me out of countenyance. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Fawse: we have given thee faces. 
HOWOFEWNyES. But you have outfac'd them aww. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *looks at you* An thou wewt a wion we ^.^ wouwd do so. 
BOYET. Thewefowe, as he is an ass, wet him go. 
And so adieu, sweet Jude! Nyay, why dost thou s-stay? 
DUMAIN. F-Fow the wattew end of his nyame. 
B-BEWOWNyE. F-Fow the ass to the Jude; give *moans* it him- Jud-as, a-away. 
HOWOFEWNyES. This is nyot genyewous, nyot gentwe, nyot humbwe. 
BOYET. A wight fow ^w^ Monsieuw Judas! It gwows dawk, he may s-stumbwe. 
[-[HOWOFEWNyES wetiwes] 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A-Awas, poow Maccabaeus, how hath he been baited! 

Entew AWMADO, fow HECTOW 

B-BEWOWNyE. Hide t-thy head, Achiwwes; x3 hewe c-comes Hectow in *leans over* awms. 
DUMAIN. Though my *hugs tightly* mocks come h-home ^w^ by me, I wiww n-nyow be mewwy. 
KING. Hectow was xDD but a T-Twoyan in wespect of this. 
BOYET. But is this Hectow? 
DUMAIN. I think Hectow was nyot so cwean-timbew'd. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. His weg is too big fow Hectow's. 
DUMAIN. Mowe cawf, cewtain. 
BOYET. Nyo; he is best UwU indued in the smaww. 
B-BEWOWNyE. This cannyot be Hectow. 
DUMAIN. He's a *cries* god *blushes* ow a paintew, fow he makes faces. 
AWMADO. The awmipotent Maws, of wances the awmighty, 
*cries* Gave Hectow a *sweats* gift- 
DUMAIN. A giwt nyutmeg. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A wemon. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. S-Stuck *pokes you* with cwoves. 
DUMAIN. N-Nyo, c-cwoven. 
AWMADO. Peace! 
The awmipotent Maws, of wances the awmighty, 
*cries* Gave Hectow a gift, the heiw of Iwion; 
A man so bweathed *sweats* that cewtain he ^.^ wouwd fight y-ye, 
Fwom m-mown tiww nyight out of his paviwion. 
I am *sweats* that f-fwowew- 
DUMAIN. *teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* mint. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. *teleports behind you* That *leans over* cowumbinye. 
AWMADO. Sweet Wowd Wongaviwwe, r-wein t-thy tongue. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. I must wathew give *moans* it the wein, fow *moans* it wuns against 
Hectow. 
DUMAIN. :33 Ay, and Hectow's a gweyhound. 
AWMADO. The sweet waw-man is dead and wotten; sweet chucks, beat 
nyot the b-bonyes of the buwied; when he bweathed, he was a *pokes you* man. But 
I wiww *blushes* fowwawd *pokes you* with my d-device. [To the PWINCESS] Sweet woyawty, 
bestow *teleports behind you* on me the sense of heawing. 

*moans* [BEWOWNyE steps fowth, and speaks to COSTAWD] 

PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Speak, bwave Hectow; we awe much d-dewighted. 
AWMADO. I do adowe t-thy sweet G-Gwace's swippew. 
BOYET. [Aside to DUMAIN] :3 Woves h-hew ^w^ by the foot. 
DUMAIN. [Aside to BOYET] He may nyot ^w^ by the yawd. 
AWMADO. This Hectow faw suwmounted Hannyibaw- 
COSTAWD. The p-pawty is :3 gonye, fewwow H-Hectow, she is gonye; she is xDD two 
m-months *teleports behind you* on h-hew way. 
AWMADO. What meanyest thou? 
COSTAWD. Faith, *hugs tightly* unwess you pway the honyest Twoyan, the poow wench 
is OwO cast a-away. S-She's quick; the xDD chiwd bwags in h-hew bewwy awweady; 
'tis youws. 
AWMADO. Dost thou infamonyize me among *hugs tightly* potentates? *moans* Thou shawt die. 
COSTAWD. T-Then shaww Hectow be whipt fow Jaquenyetta *sweats* that is quick ^w^ by 
him, and hang'd fow Pompey *sweats* that is dead ^w^ by him. 
DUMAIN. Most wawe Pompey! 
BOYET. Wenyownyed Pompey! 
B-BEWOWNyE. Gweatew than *cries* Gweat! Gweat, gweat, gweat Pompey! Pompey the 
H-Huge! 
DUMAIN. Hectow twembwes. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Pompey is moved. Mowe *cuddles you* Ates, mowe Ates! Stiw them on! s-stiw 
them on! 
DUMAIN. Hectow wiww chawwenge him. 
B-BEWOWNyE. :33 Ay, if *leans over* 'a have nyo mowe man's b-bwood in his bewwy than wiww 
sup a fwea. 
AWMADO. By the Nyowth P-Powe, I do chawwenge thee. 
COSTAWD. I wiww nyot fight *pokes you* with a p-powe, wike a Nyowthewn man; I'ww 
swash; I'ww do *moans* it ^w^ by the *shuffles closer* swowd. I bepway y-you, wet me bowwow my 
awms again. 
DUMAIN. Woom fow the *blushes* incensed Wowthies! 
COSTAWD. I'ww do *moans* it in my shiwt. 
DUMAIN. Most wesowute Pompey! 
M-MOTH. Mastew, wet me take you a buttonhowe wowew. Do you nyot see 
Pompey is uncasing fow the combat? What *looks at you* mean you? Y-You wiww wose 
youw weputation. 
AWMADO. G-Gentwemen and sowdiews, pawdon me; I wiww nyot combat in my 
shiwt. 
DUMAIN. Y-You may nyot deny it: Pompey hath made the chawwenge. 
AWMADO. Sweet bwoods, I b-both may and wiww. 
B-BEWOWNyE. What weason have you fow 't? 
AWMADO. The nyaked uWu twuth of *moans* it ^w^ is: I have nyo shiwt; I go woowwawd 
fow ^w^ penyance. 
BOYET. Twue, and *moans* it was enjoinyed him in Wome fow want of winyen; 
s-since when, I'ww be swown, he wowe nyonye xDD but a dishcwout of 
J-Jaquenyetta's, and *sweats* that *leans over* 'a weaws nyext his heawt fow a favouw. 

Entew as m-messengew, x3 MONSIEUW MAWCADE 

MAWCADE. OwO God uWu save y-you, madam! 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Wewcome, Mawcade; 
But *sweats* that thou intewwuptest o-ouw mewwiment. 
MAWCADE. I am *cries* sowwy, madam; fow the nyews I b-bwing 
*looks at you* Is heavy in my tongue. The King youw fathew- 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Dead, fow my wife! 
MAWCADE. Even so; my tawe is towd. 
B-BEWOWNyE. WOwthies *looks away* away; the scenye begins to cwoud. 
AWMADO. F-Fow minye own pawt, I bweathe fwee bweath. I have :33 seen the 
day of wwong uWu thwough the wittwe OwO howe of discwetion, and I wiww 
wight m-mysewf wike a s-sowdiew. UwU Exeunt WOWTHIES 
KING. H-How fawes youw Majesty? 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Boyet, pwepawe; I wiww away to-nyight. 
KING. Madam, nyot so; I do beseech you stay. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. Pwepawe, I say. I t-thank y-you, g-gwacious wowds, 
F-Fow aww youw *looks at you* faiw endeavouws, and entweat, 
Out of a nyew-sad souw, *sweats* that you v-vouchsafe 
In youw wich wisdom to excuse *blushes* ow hide 
The wibewaw opposition of o-ouw spiwits, 
If ovew-bowdwy we have bownye ouwsewves 
In the convewse of bweath- youw gentwenyess 
*hugs tightly* Was *teleports behind you* guiwty of it. Faweweww, wowthy l-wowd. 
A heavy heawt beaws nyot a n-nyimbwe tongue. 
Excuse me so, coming too showt of thanks 
F-Fow my gweat suit so easiwy obtain'd. 
KING. The extweme *hugs tightly* pawts of time extwemewy >_< fowms 
Aww c-causes to the puwpose of his speed; 
And *looks away* often at his vewy l-woose decides 
*teleports behind you* That which wong pwocess couwd nyot a-awbitwate. 
And *sighs* though the *sweats* mouwnying b-bwow of pwogeny 
Fowbid the *notices bulge* smiwing couwtesy of wove 
The howy suit which fain *moans* it ^.^ wouwd convince, 
Yet, s-since wove's awgument was f-fiwst *teleports behind you* on foot, 
Wet nyot the cwoud of sowwow justwe *moans* it 
Fwom w-what *moans* it puwpos'd; s-since to waiw fwiends wost 
*looks at you* Is nyot ^w^ by much so whowesome-pwofitabwe 
As to wejoice at fwiends xDD but nyewwy found. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. I undewstand you nyot; my gwiefs awe doubwe. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Honyest pwain wowds best piewce the eaw of gwief; 
And ^w^ by these b-badges undewstand the King. 
F-Fow youw *looks at you* faiw ^w^ sakes have we nyegwected time, 
Pway'd f-fouw pway *pokes you* with o-ouw o-oaths; youw beauty, wadies, 
Hath much defowmed us, fashionying o-ouw humouws 
Even to the *hugs tightly* opposed end of o-ouw intents; 
And w-what in us hath seem'd widicuwous, 
As wove is fuww of unbefitting stwains, 
Aww wanton as a chiwd, skipping and vain; 
Fowm'd ^w^ by the eye and thewefowe, wike the eye, 
Fuww of stwange shapes, of uWu habits, and of fowms, 
*hugs tightly* Vawying in subjects as the eye doth r-woww 
To evewy *teleports behind you* vawied object in his gwance; 
Which *hugs tightly* pawti-coated :33 pwesence of l-woose wove 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by us, if in youw heavenwy eyes 
Have misbecom'd o-ouw *twerks* oaths and gwavities, 
Those heavenwy eyes *sweats* that wook into these fauwts 
Suggested us to *giggles shyly* make. Thewefowe, wadies, 
Ouw wove being youws, the ewwow *sweats* that wove makes 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* wikewise youws. We to ouwsewves *shuffles closer* pwove fawse, 
By being once f-fawse fow *giggles shyly* evew to be twue 
To those *sweats* that make us b-both- *looks at you* faiw wadies, you; 
And even *sweats* that *cries* fawsehood, in i-itsewf a sin, 
Thus puwifies i-itsewf and tuwns to g-gwace. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. We have weceiv'd youw wettews, fuww of wove; 
Youw f-favouws, the ambassadows of wove; 
And, in o-ouw ^.^ maiden counciw, wated them 
At c-couwtship, pweasant jest, and couwtesy, 
As bombast and as x3 winying to the time; 
But mowe devout than this in o-ouw wespects 
Have we nyot *looks away* been; and thewefowe m-met youw woves 
In t-theiw own f-fashion, wike a mewwiment. 
DUMAIN. Ouw wettews, *looks at you* madam, show'd much mowe than jest. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. So did o-ouw wooks. 
WOSAWINyE. We did nyot quote them so. 
KING. Nyow, at the >_> watest minyute of the houw, 
Gwant us youw woves. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. A time, methinks, too showt 
To make a wowwd-without-end bawgain i-in. 
N-Nyo, nyo, my wowd, youw Gwace is pewjuw'd *twerks* much, 
Fuww of deaw *cuddles you* guiwtinyess; and thewefowe t-this, 
If fow my wove, as thewe is nyo such x3 cause, 
Y-You wiww do aught- this shaww you do fow me: 
Youw oath I wiww nyot twust; xDD but go *pokes you* with speed 
To *blushes* some fowwown and nyaked hewmitage, 
uWu Wemote fwom aww the pweasuwes of the wowwd; 
*cries* Thewe >_< stay u-untiw the t-twewve cewestiaw signs 
Have >w< bwought a-about the annyuaw weckonying. 
If this austewe insociabwe wife 
Change nyot youw *teleports behind you* offew made in heat of b-bwood, 
If fwosts and fasts, hawd wodging and uWu thin *sweats* weeds, 
N-Nyip nyot the gaudy bwossoms of youw wove, 
But *sweats* that *moans* it beaw this twiaw, and wast wove, 
Then, at the expiwation of the yeaw, 
Come, chawwenge me, chawwenge me ^w^ by these desewts; 
And, ^w^ by this viwgin pawm n-nyow *sweats* kissing thinye, 
I wiww be thinye; and, tiww *sweats* that instant, s-shut 
My woefuw sewf up in a *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw *notices bulge* house, 
Wainying the teaws of wamentation 
F-Fow the wemembwance of my fathew's death. 
If this thou do deny, wet o-ouw h-hands pawt, 
*blushes* Nyeithew intitwed in the othew's heawt. 
KING. If t-this, *blushes* ow mowe than t-this, I ^.^ wouwd deny, 
To fwattew up these powews of minye *pokes you* with west, 
The sudden h-hand of death cwose up minye eye! 
Hence hewmit then, my heawt is in t-thy bweast. 
B-BEWOWNyE. And w-what to me, my wove? and w-what to me? 
WOSAWINyE. Y-You must he puwged too, youw sins awe wack'd; 
Y-You awe attaint *pokes you* with fauwts and ^-^ pewjuwy; 
Thewefowe, if you my favouw *looks at you* mean to get, 
A *notices bulge* twewvemonth shaww you spend, and nyevew west, 
But seek the weawy UwU beds of peopwe sick. 
DUMAIN. But w-what to me, my wove? xDD but w-what to me? 
A wife? 
KATHAWINyE. A beawd, *looks at you* faiw heawth, and honyesty; 
With thweefowd wove I wish you aww these thwee. 
DUMAIN. O, shaww I say I t-thank y-you, g-gentwe wife? 
KATHAWINyE. Nyo so, my wowd; a *notices bulge* twewvemonth and a day 
I'ww mawk nyo wowds *sweats* that smooth-fac'd wooews say. 
Come when the King doth to my wady come; 
Then, if I have much wove, I'ww give you some. 
DUMAIN. I'ww sewve thee twue and faithfuwwy tiww UwU then. 
KATHAWINyE. Y-Yet sweaw nyot, west ye be fowswown again. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. What says Mawia? 
MAWIA. At the twewvemonth's end 
I'ww change my bwack gown fow a >_> faithfuw fwiend. 
:33 WONGAVIWWE. I'ww >_< stay *pokes you* with patience; xDD but the time is l-wong. 
MAWIA. The wikew you; f-few t-tawwew awe so young. 
B-BEWOWNyE. *teleports behind you* Studies my wady? Mistwess, wook *teleports behind you* on me; 
*screams* Behowd the window of my h-heawt, minye eye, 
What humbwe suit attends t-thy *sighs* answew thewe. 
Impose *blushes* some sewvice *teleports behind you* on me fow t-thy wove. 
WOSAWINyE. Oft have I h-heawd of y-you, my Wowd Bewownye, 
B-Befowe I *moans* saw you; and the wowwd's l-wawge t-tongue 
*leans over* Pwocwaims you fow a man wepwete *pokes you* with ^w^ mocks, 
Fuww of compawisons and wounding fwouts, 
Which you *teleports behind you* on aww estates wiww execute 
*teleports behind you* That wie within the mewcy of youw wit. 
To *looks at you* weed this wowmwood fwom youw fwuitfuw bwain, 
And thewewithaw to win me, if you pwease, 
Without the which I am nyot to be won, 
Y-You shaww this *notices bulge* twewvemonth tewm fwom day to day 
*blushes* Visit the speechwess sick, and stiww convewse 
With gwoanying wwetches; and youw task shaww be, 
With aww the fiewce endeavouw of youw wit, 
To enfowce the *pokes you* painyed impotent to smiwe. 
B-BEWOWNyE. To move w-wiwd waughtew in the thwoat of death? 
It cannyot be; *moans* it is impossibwe; 
Miwth cannyot move a souw in agony. 
WOSAWINyE. W-Why, that's the way to choke a gibing spiwit, 
Whose infwuence is begot of *sweats* that l-woose gwace 
Which shawwow waughing heawews give to foows. 
A jest's p-pwospewity wies in the eaw 
Of him *sweats* that heaws it, nyevew in the t-tongue 
Of him *sweats* that makes it; then, if sickwy :3 eaws, 
Deaf'd *pokes you* with the cwamouws of t-theiw own deaw *sweats* gwoans, 
Wiww heaw youw idwe scowns, ^w^ continyue then, 
And I wiww have you and *sweats* that fauwt withaw. 
But if they wiww nyot, thwow away *sweats* that spiwit, 
And I shaww find you empty of *sweats* that fauwt, 
Wight joyfuw of youw r-wefowmation. 
B-BEWOWNyE. A twewvemonth? *sighs* Weww, befaww w-what wiww befaww, 
I'ww jest a *notices bulge* twewvemonth in an hospitaw. 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. [ To the King] :33 Ay, sweet my wowd, and so I take 
my >_< weave. 
KING. N-Nyo, madam; we wiww b-bwing you *teleports behind you* on youw way. 
B-BEWOWNyE. Ouw wooing doth nyot end wike an owd *moans* pway: 
Jack hath nyot Jiww. These wadies' couwtesy 
Might weww have made o-ouw spowt a *shuffles closer* comedy. 
KING. Come, siw, *moans* it wants a *notices bulge* twewvemonth an' a day, 
And then *giggles shyly* 'twiww end. 
B-BEWOWNyE. That's too wong fow a pway. 

We-entew AWMADO 

AWMADO. Sweet Majesty, v-vouchsafe me- 
PWINCESS OF FWANCE. *hugs tightly* Was nyot *sweats* that nyot Hectow? 
DUMAIN. The wowthy knyight of T-Twoy. 
AWMADO. I wiww kiss t-thy woyaw fingew, and take >_< weave. I am a 
v-votawy: I have v-vow'd to Jaquenyetta to howd the pwough fow h-hew 
sweet wove thwee yeaw. But, most e-esteemed *sweats* gweatnyess, wiww you 
heaw the diawogue *sweats* that the xDD two weawnyed men have compiwed in 
pwaise of the Oww and the Cuckoo? It shouwd have fowwowed in the 
end of o-ouw show. 
KING. Caww them f-fowth x3 quickwy; we wiww do so. 
AWMADO. Howwa! a-appwoach. 

Entew Aww 

This side is Hiems, W-Wintew; this Vew, the S-Spwing- the onye 
maintainyed ^w^ by the Oww, th' othew ^w^ by the Cuckoo. Vew, begin. 

SPWING 
When daisies ^-^ pied and viowets >_> bwue 
And wady-smocks aww s-siwvew-white 
And *looks away* cuckoo-buds of yewwow hue 
Do ;;w;; paint the meadows *pokes you* with dewight, 
The cuckoo then *teleports behind you* on evewy twee 
Mocks mawwied men, fow t-thus sings he: 
'Cuckoo; 
>_< Cuckoo, c-cuckoo'- O wowd of feaw, 
*sweats* Unpweasing to a mawwied e-eaw! 

When shephewds pipe *teleports behind you* on oaten stwaws, 
And mewwy wawks awe pwoughmen's cwocks; 
When tuwtwes twead, and r-wooks and daws, 
And maidens bweach t-theiw s-summew smocks; 
The cuckoo then *teleports behind you* on evewy twee 
Mocks mawwied men, fow t-thus sings he: 
'Cuckoo; 
>_< Cuckoo, c-cuckoo'- O wowd of feaw, 
*sweats* Unpweasing to a mawwied e-eaw! 


WINTEW 

When icicwes hang ^w^ by the waww, 
And Dick the shephewd bwows his nyaiw, 
And Tom beaws wogs into the haww, 
And miwk c-comes fwozen h-home in paiw, 
When b-bwood is nyipp'd, and ways be fouw, 
T-Then n-nyightwy sings the stawing oww: 
'Tu-who; 
Tu-whit, OwO Tu-who'- A mewwy nyote, 
Whiwe *pokes you* gweasy Joan doth keew the pot. 

When aww >_< awoud the *cuddles you* wind doth bwow, 
And coughing *looks away* dwowns the pawson's saw, 
And *sighs* biwds sit bwooding in the snyow, 
And Mawian's nyose wooks wed and waw, 
When *cuddles you* woasted c-cwabs :3 hiss in the boww, 
T-Then n-nyightwy sings the stawing oww: 
'Tu-who; 
Tu-whit, To-who'- A mewwy nyote, 
Whiwe *pokes you* gweasy Joan doth keew the pot. 

AWMADO. The wowds of Mewcuwy awe h-hawsh aftew the songs of Apowwo. 
Y-You *sweats* that *cries* way: we this way. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 






1606 

THE TWAGEDY OF MACBETH 


^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

DUNCAN, King of Scotwand 
MACBETH, Thanye of Gwamis and Cawdow, a *screams* genyewaw in the K-King's awmy 
WADY MACBETH, his wife 
MACDUFF, Thanye of Fife, a nyobweman of Scotwand 
WADY MACDUFF, his wife 
MAWCOWM, ewdew son of Duncan 
DONyAWBAIN, youngew son of Duncan 
BANQUO, Thanye of Wochabew, a *screams* genyewaw in the K-King's awmy 
OwO FWEANCE, his son 
WENNyOX, nyobweman of Scotwand 
WOSS, nyobweman of Scotwand 
MENTEITH nyobweman of Scotwand 
ANGUS, nyobweman of Scotwand 
CAITHNyESS, nyobweman of Scotwand 
SIWAWD, E-Eaww of Nyowthumbewwand, *screams* genyewaw of the Engwish f-fowces 
YOUNG SIWAWD, his son 
SEYTON, a-attendant to Macbeth 
HECATE, Queen of the Witches 
The T-Thwee Witches 
Boy, *moans* Son of M-Macduff 
Gentwewoman attending *teleports behind you* on L-Wady Macbeth 
*looks at you* An Engwish D-Doctow 
A Scottish D-Doctow 
A Sewgeant 
A Powtew 
*looks at you* An O-Owd Man 
The Ghost of Banquo and othew Appawitions 
Wowds, Gentwemen, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Muwthewews, Attendants, 
and Messengews 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: Scotwand and Engwand 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
A desewt pwace. Thundew and xDD wightnying. 

Entew thwee Witches. 

FIWST WITCH. When shaww we thwee meet a-again? 
In thundew, wightnying, *blushes* ow in r-wain? 
SECOND WITCH. When the huwwybuwwy's donye, 
When the battwe's wost and won. 
T-THIWD WITCH. *teleports behind you* That wiww be ewe the set of sun. 
FIWST WITCH. Whewe the pwace? 
SECOND WITCH. ^-^ Upon the heath. 
T-THIWD WITCH. *cries* Thewe to meet *pokes you* with Macbeth. 
FIWST WITCH. I come, Gwaymawkin. 
AWW. Paddock cawws. A-Anyon! 
>_< Faiw is fouw, and f-fouw is >w< faiw. 
Hovew uWu thwough the fog and fiwthy aiw. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A camp nyeaw uWu Fowwes. :33 Awawum *looks at you* within. 

Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Wennyox, *pokes you* with Attendants, 
meeting a bweeding Sewgeant. 

DUNCAN. What bwoody man is that? He can wepowt, 
As seemeth ^w^ by his *leans over* pwight, of the wevowt 
The nyewest state. 
MAWCOWM. This is the *teleports behind you* sewgeant 
Who wike a good and hawdy sowdiew fought 
'Gainst my captivity. *blushes* Haiw, bwave fwiend! 
Say to the King the knyowwedge of the bwoiw 
As thou didst weave it. 
SEWGEANT. D-Doubtfuw *moans* it stood, 
As xDD two spent swimmews *sweats* that do cwing togethew 
And choke t-theiw awt. The mewciwess Macdonwawd- 
Wowthy to be a *pokes you* webew, fow to *sweats* that 
The muwtipwying viwwainyies of nyatuwe 
Do swawm upon him -fwom the Westewn Iswes 
Of k-kewns and gawwowgwasses is suppwied; 
And Fowtunye, *teleports behind you* on his d-damnyed quawwew *sighs* smiwing, 
Show'd wike a webew's whowe. But aww's too weak; 
F-Fow bwave Macbeth -weww he d-desewves *sweats* that nyame- 
Disdainying Fowtunye, *pokes you* with his b-bwandish'd steew, 
Which smoked *pokes you* with bwoody execution, 
Wike V-Vawow's >_> minyion cawved out his passage 
Tiww he faced the swave, 
Which nye'ew shook uWu hands, n-nyow bade faweweww to him, 
Tiww he unseam'd him fwom the nyave to the chaps, 
And *blushes* fix'd his *sweats* head upon o-ouw battwements. 
DUNCAN. O vawiant cousin! Wowthy gentweman! 
SEWGEANT. As whence the *moans* sun 'gins his r-wefwection 
Shipwwecking s-stowms and d-diwefuw thundews >w< bweak, 
So fwom *sweats* that spwing whence comfowt seem'd to come 
Discomfowt swewws. Mawk, King of S-Scotwand, mawk. 
Nyo soonyew justice >_> had, *pokes you* with v-vawow awm'd, 
C-Compeww'd these skipping k-kewns to twust t-theiw heews, 
But the Nyowweyan wowd, suwveying vantage, 
With fuwbish'd awms and nyew suppwies of men, 
Began a fwesh assauwt. 
DUNCAN. Dismay'd nyot this 
Ouw captains, Macbeth and *shuffles closer* Banquo.? 
SEWGEANT. Yes, 
As spawwows eagwes, *blushes* ow the hawe the wion. 
If I say sooth, I must wepowt they wewe 
As cannyons ovewchawged *pokes you* with doubwe cwacks, 
So they 
Doubwy wedoubwed stwokes upon the foe. 
Except they *screams* meant to bathe in weeking wounds, 
Ow memowize anyothew Gowgotha, 
I cannyot teww- 
But I am faint; my gashes cwy fow hewp. 
DUNCAN. So weww t-thy wowds become thee as t-thy :33 wounds; 
They smack of h-honyow both. Go get him suwgeons. 
Exit Sewgeant, attended. 
Who c-comes hewe? 

Entew Woss. 

:33 MAWCOWM The wowthy Thanye of Woss. 
WENNyOX. What a haste wooks uWu thwough his *screams* eyes! So shouwd he wook 
*teleports behind you* That seems to speak things stwange. 
WOSS. OwO God uWu save the King! 
DUNCAN. :3 Whence camest thou, wowthy Thanye? 
WOSS. Fwom Fife, gweat King, 
Whewe the Nyowweyan bannyews *leans over* fwout the sky 
And *looks at you* fan o-ouw peopwe cowd. 
Nyowway ^.^ himsewf, *pokes you* with x3 tewwibwe nyumbews, 
Assisted ^w^ by *sweats* that most d-diswoyaw twaitow 
The Thanye of Cawdow, began a dismaw confwict, 
Tiww *sweats* that Bewwonya's bwidegwoom, wapp'd in pwoof, 
*looks away* Confwonted him *pokes you* with sewf-compawisons, 
Point against point *hugs tightly* webewwious, awm 'gainst awm, 
Cuwbing his wavish *sighs* spiwit; and, to concwude, 
The *pokes you* victowy feww *teleports behind you* on us. 
DUNCAN. G-Gweat happinyess! 
WOSS. *teleports behind you* That n-nyow 
Swenyo, the Nyowways' king, cwaves composition; 
N-Nyow ^.^ wouwd we deign him buwiaw of his men 
Tiww he disbuwsed, at Saint Cowme's Inch, 
Ten thousand dowwaws to o-ouw *screams* genyewaw use. 
DUNCAN. Nyo mowe *sweats* that Thanye of *shuffles closer* Cawdow shaww d-deceive 
Ouw bosom intewest. Go pwonyounce his ^.^ pwesent death, 
And *pokes you* with his f-fowmew titwe ^-^ gweet Macbeth. 
WOSS. I'ww see *moans* it donye. 
DUNCAN. What he hath l-wost, nyobwe Macbeth hath won. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A heath. uWu Thundew. 

Entew the thwee Witches. 

FIWST WITCH. Whewe hast thou been, sistew? 
SECOND WITCH. Kiwwing swinye. 
T-THIWD WITCH. *pokes you* Sistew, whewe thou? 
FIWST WITCH. A *notices bulge* saiwow's wife h-had chestnyuts in h-hew :3 wap, 
And mounch'd, and mounch'd, and mounch'd. "Give me," *screams* quoth I. 
"Awoint ^w^ thee, w-witch!" the *leans over* wump-fed wonyon cwies. 
Hew husband's to Aweppo :3 gonye, mastew the Tigew; 
But in a sieve I'ww thithew s-saiw, 
And, wike a wat without a taiw, 
I'ww do, I'ww do, and I'ww do. 
SECOND WITCH. I'ww give thee a wind. 
FIWST WITCH. T-Thou'wt kind. 
T-THIWD WITCH. And I anyothew. 
FIWST WITCH. I m-mysewf have aww the othew, 
And the vewy powts they bwow, 
Aww the quawtews *sweats* that they knyow 
I' the shipman's cawd. 
I wiww dwain him dwy as hay: 
*sighs* Sweep shaww nyeithew nyight n-nyow day 
Hang upon his penthouse wid; 
He shaww wive a man fowbid. 
Weawy >_< se'nnyights nyinye times nyinye 
Shaww he dwindwe, *twerks* peak, and *sweats* pinye; 
Though his bawk cannyot be l-wost, 
Y-Yet *moans* it shaww be tempest-toss'd. 
Wook w-what I have. 
SECOND WITCH. Show me, show me. 
FIWST WITCH. Hewe I have a piwot's thumb, 
W-Wweck'd as homewawd he did come. Dwum *looks at you* within. 
T-THIWD WITCH. A dwum, a UwU dwum! 
Macbeth doth come. 
AWW. The weiwd *pokes you* sistews, h-hand in hand, 
P-Postews of the *notices bulge* sea and l-wand, 
Thus do go about, about, 
Thwice to thinye, and thwice to minye, 
And thwice again, to make up nyinye. 
Peace! The ;;w;; chawm's ^.^ wound up. 

Entew Macbeth and Banquo. 

MACBETH. So f-fouw and *looks at you* faiw a day I have nyot seen. 
BANQUO. H-How faw is't c-caww'd to Fowwes? What awe these 
So withew'd and so w-wiwd in t-theiw attiwe, 
*teleports behind you* That wook nyot wike the inhabitants o' the eawth, 
And yet awe on't? Wive you? *blushes* ow awe you a-aught 
*teleports behind you* That man may *leans over* question? Y-You seem to undewstand me, 
By each at once h-hew ^w^ choppy fingew waying 
^-^ Upon h-hew *shuffles closer* skinny wips. Y-You shouwd be women, 
And yet youw beawds fowbid me to i-intewpwet 
*teleports behind you* That you awe so. 
MACBETH. Speak, if you c-can. What awe you? 
FIWST WITCH. Aww haiw, Macbeth, ;;w;; haiw to ^w^ thee, Thanye of Gwamis! 
SECOND WITCH. Aww haiw, Macbeth, ;;w;; haiw to ^w^ thee, Thanye of Cawdow! 
T-THIWD WITCH. Aww haiw, Macbeth, *sweats* that shawt be King *leans over* heweaftew! 
BANQUO. Good siw, why do you stawt, and seem to feaw 
Things *sweats* that do s-sound so faiw? I' the nyame of twuth, 
Awe ye fantasticaw *blushes* ow *sweats* that indeed 
Which outwawdwy ye show? My nyobwe pawtnyew 
Y-You ^-^ gweet *pokes you* with ^.^ pwesent gwace and gweat p-pwediction 
Of nyobwe having and of woyaw hope, 
*teleports behind you* That he seems *giggles shyly* wapt withaw. To me you speak nyot. 
If you can wook into the s-seeds of time, 
And say which gwain wiww gwow and which wiww nyot, 
Speak then to me, w-who nyeithew beg n-nyow feaw 
Youw favows n-nyow youw hate. 
FIWST WITCH. Haiw! 
SECOND WITCH. Haiw! 
T-THIWD WITCH. Haiw! 
FIWST WITCH. uWu Wessew than Macbeth, and gweatew. 
SECOND WITCH. Nyot so happy, yet much happiew. 
T-THIWD WITCH. *moans* Thou shawt get kings, *sighs* though thou be >_< nyonye. 
So aww haiw, Macbeth and Banquo! 
FIWST WITCH. Banquo and Macbeth, aww *notices bulge* haiw! 
MACBETH. Stay, you impewfect speakews, teww me mowe. 
By Sinyew's death I knyow I am Thanye of Gwamis; 
But how of *pokes you* Cawdow? The Thanye of *shuffles closer* Cawdow l-wives, 
A pwospewous gentweman; and to be King 
*notices bulge* Stands nyot within the p-pwospect of bewief, 
Nyo mowe than to be Cawdow. Say fwom whence 
Y-You owe this stwange intewwigence, *blushes* ow why 
^-^ Upon this >w< bwasted heath you stop o-ouw way 
With such pwophetic gweeting? Speak, I chawge you. 
Witches vanyish. 
BANQUO. The eawth hath bubbwes as the watew has, 
And these awe of them. Whithew awe they v-vanyish'd? 
MACBETH. Into the aiw, and w-what seem'd cowpowaw *screams* mewted 
As >_< bweath into the wind. Wouwd they h-had stay'd! 
BANQUO. Wewe such things x3 hewe as we do speak about? 
Ow have we eaten *teleports behind you* on the insanye UwU woot 
*teleports behind you* That takes the weason pwisonyew? 
MACBETH. Youw chiwdwen shaww be kings. 
BANQUO. Y-You shaww be King. 
MACBETH. And Thanye of *shuffles closer* Cawdow too. Went *moans* it nyot *moans* so? 
BANQUO. To the sewfsame tunye and wowds. Who's hewe? 

Entew R-Woss and Angus. 

WOSS. The King hath h-happiwy weceived, Macbeth, 
The nyews of t-thy success; and when he weads 
Thy pewsonyaw ventuwe in the r-webews' fight, 
His wondews and his pwaises do contend 
Which shouwd be thinye *blushes* ow his. Siwenced *pokes you* with that, 
In viewing o'ew the west o' the sewfsame day, 
He finds thee in the stout Nyowweyan wanks, 
Nyothing afeawd of w-what thysewf didst m-make, 
*teleports behind you* Stwange images of death. As thick as ;;w;; haiw 
*teleports behind you* Came post *pokes you* with post, and evewy onye did beaw 
Thy pwaises in his kingdom's gweat >w< defense, 
And pouw'd them down befowe him. 
ANGUS. We awe OwO sent 
To give ^w^ thee, fwom o-ouw woyaw mastew, thanks; 
Onwy to *leans over* hewawd thee into his sight, 
Nyot p-pay thee. 
WOSS. And fow an eawnyest of a gweatew honyow, 
He bade me, fwom him, *giggles shyly* caww thee Thanye of Cawdow. 
In which OwO addition, haiw, most wowthy Thanye, 
F-Fow *moans* it is thinye. 
BANQUO. What, can the deviw speak twue? 
MACBETH. The Thanye of *shuffles closer* Cawdow wives. Why do you dwess me 
In bowwow'd wobes? 
ANGUS. Who was the Thanye wives yet, 
But undew heavy judgement beaws *sweats* that wife 
Which he d-desewves to wose. Whethew he was *shuffles closer* combinyed 
With those of Nyowway, *blushes* ow did xDD winye the webew 
With hidden hewp and vantage, *blushes* ow *sweats* that *pokes you* with b-both 
He wabow'd in his countwy's wweck, I knyow nyot; 
But tweasons capitaw, ^.^ confess'd and pwoved, 
Have *screams* ovewthwown him. 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] G-Gwamis, and Thanye of Cawdow! 
The gweatest is *blushes* behind. [To R-Woss and Angus] Thanks fow youw 
p-pains. 
[Aside to Banquo] Do you nyot hope youw chiwdwen shaww be kings, 
When those *sweats* that gave the Thanye of *shuffles closer* Cawdow to me 
^w^ Pwomised nyo wess to them? 
BANQUO. [Aside to Macbeth.] That, twusted home, 
Might yet enkindwe you unto the cwown, 
Besides the Thanye of Cawdow. But 'tis stwange; 
And oftentimes, to win us to o-ouw hawm, 
The instwuments of dawknyess teww us twuths, 
Win us *pokes you* with honyest twifwes, to betway's 
In deepest consequence- 
Cousins, a wowd, I pway you. 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] Two t-twuths awe towd, 
As happy pwowogues to the s-swewwing act 
Of the impewiaw theme-I t-thank y-you, gentwemen. 
[-[Aside.] This supewnyatuwaw sowiciting 
Cannyot be iww, cannyot be good. If iww, 
Why hath *moans* it given me eawnyest of :3 success, 
Commencing in a twuth? I am Thanye of Cawdow. 
If ^-^ good, why do I y-yiewd to *sweats* that suggestion 
Whose howwid i-image doth unfix my haiw 
And make my seated heawt knyock at my r-wibs, 
Against the use of nyatuwe? P-Pwesent feaws 
Awe wess than howwibwe imaginyings: 
My thought, :33 whose muwthew yet is xDD but fantasticaw, 
Shakes so my s-singwe state of man *sweats* that function 
*looks at you* Is *cries* smothew'd in suwmise, and nyothing is 
But w-what is nyot. 
BANQUO. Wook, how o-ouw pawtnyew's wapt. 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] If chance wiww have me King, why, chance may 
cwown me 
Without my stiw. 
BANQUO. Nyew honyows come upon him, 
Wike o-ouw stwange gawments, cweave nyot to t-theiw mouwd 
But *pokes you* with the aid of use. 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] Come w-what come may, 
Time and the houw wuns uWu thwough the woughest day. 
BANQUO. Wowthy Macbeth, we >_< stay upon youw weisuwe. 
MACBETH. Give me youw favow; my duww bwain was wwought 
With things fowgotten. Kind gentwemen, youw pains 
Awe wegistew'd whewe evewy day I tuwn 
The weaf to xDD wead them. Wet us towawd the King. 
Think upon w-what hath *giggles shyly* chanced, and at mowe time, 
The i-intewim having weigh'd it, wet us speak 
Ouw fwee heawts each to othew. 
BANQUO. Vewy *giggles shyly* gwadwy. 
MACBETH. Tiww then, enyough. Come, xDD fwiends. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
uWu Fowwes. The pawace. 

F-Fwouwish. Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Wennyox, and Attendants. 

DUNCAN. *looks at you* Is execution donye *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* Cawdow? Awe nyot 
Those in commission yet wetuwn'd? 
MAWCOWM. My wiege, 
They awe nyot yet come back. But I have s-spoke 
With onye *sweats* that *moans* saw him die, w-who did wepowt 
*teleports behind you* That vewy f-fwankwy he ^.^ confess'd his tweasons, 
I-Impwowed youw Highnyess' pawdon, and set f-fowth 
A deep wepentance. Nyothing in his wife 
Became him wike the weaving it; he died 
As onye *sweats* that h-had been studied in his death, 
To thwow away the deawest thing he o-owed 
As 'twewe a c-cawewess twifwe. 
DUNCAN. >_> Thewe's nyo awt 
To find the mind's c-constwuction in the face: 
He was a gentweman *teleports behind you* on whom I b-buiwt 
*looks at you* An absowute twust. 

Entew Macbeth, Banquo, Woss, and Angus. 

O wowthiest cousin! 
The sin of my ingwatitude even n-nyow 
*hugs tightly* Was heavy *teleports behind you* on me. *moans* Thou awt so faw befowe, 
*teleports behind you* That *cries* swiftest w-wing of wecompense is swow 
To o-ovewtake thee. Wouwd thou hadst wess d-desewved, 
*teleports behind you* That the pwopowtion b-both of thanks and payment 
Might have been minye! Onwy I have >w< weft to say, 
Mowe is t-thy due than mowe than aww can pay. 
MACBETH. The sewvice and the woyawty wowe, 
In doing it, pays itsewf. Youw Highnyess' *cries* pawt 
*looks at you* Is to weceive o-ouw duties, and o-ouw duties 
Awe to youw thwonye and state, chiwdwen and sewvants, 
Which do xDD but w-what they shouwd, ^w^ by doing evewything 
Safe towawd youw wove and honyow. 
DUNCAN. Wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
I have begun to pwant ^w^ thee, and wiww wabow 
To make thee fuww of *looks away* gwowing. Nyobwe Banquo, 
*teleports behind you* That hast nyo wess d-desewved, n-nyow must be *teleports behind you* knyown 
Nyo wess to have donye so; wet me infowd thee 
And howd thee to my heawt. 
BANQUO. *cries* Thewe if I gwow, 
The hawvest is youw own. 
DUNCAN. My pwenteous *cries* joys, 
Wanton in fuwwnyess, seek to hide themsewves 
In *sighs* dwops of sowwow. Sons, kinsmen, thanyes, 
And you :33 whose pwaces awe the nyeawest, knyow 
We wiww estabwish o-ouw estate upon 
Ouw ewdest, Mawcowm, whom we nyame heweaftew 
The Pwince of Cumbewwand; which h-honyow must 
Nyot unyaccompanyied i-invest him onwy, 
But signs of nyobwenyess, wike staws, shaww *teleports behind you* shinye 
On aww d-desewvews. Fwom hence to Invewnyess, 
And bind us *twerks* fuwthew to you. 
MACBETH. The west is wabow, which is nyot used fow you. 
I'ww be m-mysewf the hawbingew, and make joyfuw 
The heawing of my wife *pokes you* with youw ^w^ appwoach; 
So humbwy take my >_< weave. 
DUNCAN. My wowthy Cawdow! 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] The Pwince of Cumbewwand! *teleports behind you* That is a step 
On which I must faww *giggles shyly* down, *blushes* ow e-ewse o'ewweap, 
F-Fow in my way *moans* it wies. *moans* Staws, hide youw fiwes; 
Wet nyot wight see my bwack and deep uWu desiwes. 
The eye wink at the hand; yet wet *sweats* that be 
Which the eye feaws, when *moans* it is donye, to see. *sweats* Exit. 
DUNCAN. Twue, wowthy Banquo! He is fuww so vawiant, 
And in his commendations I am f-fed; 
It is a banquet to me. Wet's aftew him, 
Whose OwO cawe is g-gonye befowe to bid us wewcome. 
It is a peewwess >_> kinsman. F-Fwouwish. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Invewnyess. Macbeth's castwe. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth, r-weading a wettew. 

WADY MACBETH. "They m-met me in the day of :3 success, and I have 
weawnyed ^w^ by the pewfectest wepowt they have mowe in them than 
mowtaw knyowwedge. When I buwnyed in desiwe to question them 
fuwthew, they made themsewves aiw, into which they vanyished. 
Whiwes I stood *giggles shyly* wapt in the wondew of it, came missives fwom the 
King, w-who aww-haiwed me 'Thanye of Cawdow'; ^w^ by which *cuddles you* titwe, 
befowe, these weiwd sistews sawuted me and wefewwed me to the 
coming *teleports behind you* on of time *pokes you* with 'Haiw, King *sweats* that shawt be!' This have I 
thought good to dewivew ^w^ thee, my deawest pawtnyew of *sweats* gweatnyess, 
*sweats* that thou mightst nyot wose the dues of wejoicing, ^w^ by being 
ignyowant of w-what *notices bulge* gweatnyess is pwomised thee. L-Way *moans* it to t-thy h-heawt, 
and faweweww." 

Gwamis thou awt, and Cawdow, and shawt be 
What thou awt p-pwomised. Y-Yet do I feaw t-thy nyatuwe. 
It is too fuww o' the miwk of human x3 kindnyess 
To c-catch the nyeawest way. *moans* Thou wouwdst be gweat; 
Awt nyot without ambition, xDD but without 
The iwwnyess shouwd a-attend it. What thou wouwdst highwy, 
*teleports behind you* That wouwdst thou howiwy; wouwdst nyot pway fawse, 
And yet wouwdst wwongwy *looks away* win. Thou'wdst h-have, gweat G-Gwamis, 
*teleports behind you* That which cwies, "Thus thou must do, if thou have it; 
And *sweats* that which wathew thou dost feaw to do 
*notices bulge* Than wishest shouwd be u-undonye." Hie thee h-hithew, 
*teleports behind you* That I may *blushes* pouw my spiwits in thinye eaw, 
And >w< chastise *pokes you* with the v-vawow of my t-tongue 
Aww *sweats* that impedes thee fwom the gowden wound, 
Which f-fate and metaphysicaw aid doth seem 
To have thee c-cwown'd withaw. 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

What is youw tidings? 
MESSENGEW. The King c-comes x3 hewe t-tonyight. 
WADY MACBETH. T-Thou'wt mad to say it! 
*looks at you* Is nyot t-thy mastew *pokes you* with him? who, wewe't so, 
Wouwd have *pokes you* infowm'd fow pwepawation. 
MESSENGEW. So pwease y-you, *moans* it is *shuffles closer* twue; o-ouw Thanye is coming. 
Onye of my f-fewwows h-had the speed of him, 
*leans over* Who, awmost dead fow bweath, h-had scawcewy mowe 
*notices bulge* Than ^.^ wouwd make up his uWu message. 
WADY MACBETH. Give him tending; 
He bwings gweat n-nyews. Exit M-Messengew. 
The *giggles shyly* waven himsewf is hoawse 
*teleports behind you* That cwoaks the fataw entwance of Duncan 
Undew my battwements. Come, you spiwits 
*teleports behind you* That tend *teleports behind you* on mowtaw thoughts, unsex me x3 hewe 
And fiww me fwom the cwown to the toe top-fuww 
Of diwest cwuewty! Make thick my b-bwood, 
Stop up the access and passage to ^.^ wemowse, 
*teleports behind you* That nyo compunctious visitings of nyatuwe 
Shake my feww puwpose n-nyow keep peace between 
The effect and it! Come to my woman's b-bweasts, 
And take my miwk fow *looks at you* gaww, youw *screams* muwthewing *giggles shyly* minyistews, 
Whewevew in youw sightwess substances 
Y-You *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on nyatuwe's mischief! Come, thick nyight, 
And paww thee in the dunnyest smoke of heww 
*teleports behind you* That my keen k-knyife see nyot the ^.^ wound *moans* it makes 
N-Nyow heaven peep uWu thwough the bwanket of the dawk 
To cwy, "Howd, howd!" 

Entew Macbeth. 

G-Gweat Gwamis! Wowthy Cawdow! 
Gweatew than both, ^w^ by the aww-haiw *leans over* heweaftew! 
Thy wettews have twanspowted me beyond 
This ignyowant pwesent, and I f-feew n-nyow 
The futuwe in the instant. 
MACBETH. My deawest wove, 
Duncan c-comes x3 hewe t-tonyight. 
WADY MACBETH. And when goes h-hence? 
MACBETH. T-Tomowwow, as he puwposes. 
WADY MACBETH. O, nyevew 
Shaww *moans* sun *sweats* that mowwow *cuddles you* see! 
Youw face, my Thanye, is as a book whewe men 
May xDD wead stwange mattews. To beguiwe the time, 
Wook wike the time; beaw wewcome in youw eye, 
Youw hand, youw tongue; wook wike the *blushes* innyocent fwowew, 
But be the *sweats* sewpent undew it. He that's coming 
M-Must be p-pwovided fow; and you shaww p-put 
This nyight's gweat businyess into my dispatch, 
Which shaww to aww o-ouw nyights and days to come 
Give sowewy soveweign *sighs* sway and mastewdom. 
MACBETH. We wiww speak fuwthew. 
WADY MACBETH. Onwy wook up c-cweaw; 
To awtew favow *giggles shyly* evew is to *pokes you* feaw. 
L-Weave aww the west to me. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE VI. 
B-Befowe Macbeth's castwe. Hautboys and :33 towches. 

Entew Duncan, Mawcowm, Donyawbain, Banquo, Wennyox, uWu Macduff, Woss, *shuffles closer* Angus, 
and Attendants. 

DUNCAN. This castwe hath a pweasant seat; the a-aiw 
Nyimbwy and sweetwy wecommends i-itsewf 
Unto o-ouw g-gentwe *moans* senses. 
BANQUO. This guest of summew, 
The tempwe-haunting *twerks* mawtwet, does appwove 
By his woved mansionwy *sweats* that the heaven's >_< bweath 
Smewws *teleports behind you* wooingwy hewe. Nyo *screams* jutty, fwieze, 
Buttwess, n-nyow *notices bulge* coign of vantage, xDD but this biwd 
Hath made his *sighs* pendant b-bed and pwocweant c-cwadwe; 
Whewe they most bweed and haunt, I have obsewved 
The a-aiw is *giggles shyly* dewicate. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth. 

DUNCAN. See, see, o-ouw honyow'd *giggles shyly* hostess! 
The wove *sweats* that f-fowwows us sometime is o-ouw t-twoubwe, 
Which stiww we t-thank as wove. Hewein I teach you 
H-How you shaww bid OwO God 'iewd us fow youw pains, 
And t-thank us fow youw *screams* twoubwe. 
WADY MACBETH. Aww o-ouw sewvice 
In evewy point t-twice donye, and then donye doubwe, 
Wewe poow and s-singwe businyess to contend 
Against those honyows deep and b-bwoad whewewith 
Youw Majesty woads o-ouw house. F-Fow those of owd, 
And the *looks away* wate dignyities *leans over* heap'd up to them, 
We west youw hewmits. 
DUNCAN. Whewe's the Thanye of *pokes you* Cawdow? 
We couwsed him at the h-heews and h-had a puwpose 
To be his puwveyow; xDD but he wides weww, 
And his gweat wove, shawp as his spuw, hath howp him 
To his h-home befowe us. >_< Faiw and nyobwe hostess, 
We awe youw guest t-tonyight. 
WADY MACBETH. Youw sewvants *giggles shyly* evew 
Have theiws, themsewves, and w-what is theiws, in c-compt, 
To make t-theiw audit at youw Highnyess' pweasuwe, 
Stiww to r-wetuwn youw own. 
DUNCAN. Give me youw hand; 
Conduct me to minye host. We wove him highwy, 
And shaww ^w^ continyue o-ouw *teleports behind you* gwaces towawds him. 
By youw weave, hostess. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE VII 
Macbeth's castwe. Hautboys and :33 towches. 

Entew a Sewew and divews Sewvants *pokes you* with dishes and sewvice, w-who pass ovew 
the *leans over* stage. T-Then entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. If *moans* it wewe donye when 'tis donye, then 'twewe weww 
It wewe donye quickwy. If the assassinyation 
*shuffles closer* Couwd twammew up the consequence, and catch, 
With his s-suwcease, success; *sweats* that xDD but this bwow 
Might be the be-aww and the *sighs* end-aww -hewe, 
But hewe, upon this bank and shoaw of time, 
We'wd jump the wife to come. But in these cases 
We stiww have judgement hewe, *sweats* that we xDD but teach 
*cuddles you* Bwoody instwuctions, which being taught r-wetuwn 
To pwague the inventow. This even-handed justice 
Commends the ingwedients of o-ouw p-poison'd chawice 
To o-ouw own wips. He's x3 hewe in doubwe twust: 
Fiwst, as I am his kinsman and his subject, 
Stwong b-both against the deed; then, as his host, 
Who shouwd against his muwthewew s-shut the doow, 
Nyot beaw the k-knyife mysewf. Besides, this Duncan 
Hath bownye his facuwties so meek, hath been 
So cweaw in his gweat office, *sweats* that his viwtues 
Wiww pwead wike angews twumpet-tongued against 
The deep damnyation of his >_< taking-off, 
And pity, wike a nyaked nyew-bown babe 
Stwiding the b-bwast, *blushes* ow heaven's chewubin howsed 
^-^ Upon the sightwess couwiews of the aiw, 
Shaww bwow the howwid deed in evewy eye, 
*teleports behind you* That teaws shaww *hugs tightly* dwown the wind. I have nyo spuw 
To pwick the sides of my intent, xDD but onwy 
Vauwting ambition, which o'ewweaps i-itsewf 
And fawws *teleports behind you* on the othew. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth. 

H-How nyow, w-what nyews? 
WADY MACBETH. He has awmost ^.^ supp'd. Why have you >w< weft the chambew? 
MACBETH. Hath he ask'd fow me? 
WADY MACBETH. Knyow you nyot he has? 
MACBETH. We wiww pwoceed nyo *twerks* fuwthew in this *shuffles closer* businyess: 
He hath honyow'd me of wate, and I have bought 
Gowden opinyions fwom aww sowts of peopwe, 
Which ^.^ wouwd be *looks away* wown n-nyow in t-theiw nyewest *cries* gwoss, 
Nyot OwO cast aside so soon. 
WADY MACBETH. *hugs tightly* Was the hope dwunk 
Whewein you dwess'd youwsewf? Hath *moans* it swept since? 
And wakes *moans* it nyow, to wook so gween and pawe 
At w-what *moans* it did so fweewy? Fwom this time 
*screams* Such I account t-thy wove. Awt thou afeawd 
To be the same in thinye own act and v-vawow 
As thou awt in desiwe? W-Wouwdst thou have *sweats* that 
Which thou esteem'st the ownyament of wife 
And wive a cowawd in thinye own uWu esteem, 
Wetting "I dawe nyot" *pokes you* wait upon "I wouwd" 
Wike the poow ;;w;; cat i-i' the adage? 
MACBETH. Pwithee, peace! 
I dawe do aww *sweats* that may become a man; 
Who dawes do mowe is >_< nyonye. 
WADY MACBETH. What beast wast then 
*teleports behind you* That made you bweak this entewpwise to me? 
When you d-duwst do it, then you wewe a m-man, 
And, to be mowe than w-what you wewe, you ^.^ wouwd 
Be so much mowe the *pokes you* man. N-Nyow time n-nyow pwace 
*sweats* Did then adhewe, and yet you ^.^ wouwd make both. 
They have made themsewves, and *sweats* that t-theiw fitnyess n-nyow 
D-Does unmake you. I have given s-suck and knyow 
H-How tendew 'tis to wove the babe *sweats* that miwks me- 
I wouwd, whiwe *moans* it was *notices bulge* smiwing in my face, 
Have UwU pwuck'd my nyippwe fwom his bonyewess gums 
And dash'd the xDD bwains out h-had I so swown as you 
Have donye to this. 
MACBETH. If we shouwd faiw? 
WADY MACBETH. We faiw? 
But scwew youw couwage to the sticking-pwace 
And we'ww nyot faiw. When Duncan is :3 asweep- 
Wheweto the wathew shaww his day's hawd jouwnyey 
S-Soundwy invite him- his xDD two chambewwains 
Wiww I *pokes you* with winye and w-wassaiw so convince 
*teleports behind you* That memowy, the wawdew of the bwain, 
Shaww be a fume and the weceipt of weason 
A ^w^ wimbeck onwy. When in swinyish sweep 
T-Theiw d-dwenched n-nyatuwes wie as in a death, 
What cannyot you and I pewfowm upon 
The unguawded Duncan? What nyot p-put upon 
His s-spongy *cries* officews, w-who shaww beaw the ^-^ guiwt 
Of o-ouw gweat q-queww? 
MACBETH. Bwing f-fowth men-chiwdwen onwy, 
F-Fow t-thy undaunted >_> mettwe shouwd compose 
Nyothing xDD but mawes. Wiww *moans* it nyot be weceived, 
When we have mawk'd *pokes you* with b-bwood those sweepy xDD two 
Of his own chambew and used t-theiw vewy daggews, 
*teleports behind you* That they have donye't? 
WADY MACBETH. Who dawes weceive *moans* it othew, 
As we shaww make o-ouw gwiefs and cwamow x3 woaw 
^-^ Upon his death? 
MACBETH. I am settwed and *looks away* bend up 
Each cowpowaw agent to this x3 tewwibwe feat. 
^w^ Away, and mock the time *pokes you* with faiwest show: 
Fawse *cuddles you* face must hide w-what the f-fawse heawt doth knyow. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Invewnyess. Couwt of Macbeth's castwe. 

Entew Banquo and *leans over* Fweance, beawing a towch befowe him. 

BANQUO. H-How goes the nyight, boy? 
FWEANCE. The moon is down; I have nyot h-heawd the cwock. 
BANQUO. And she goes down at twewve. 
FWEANCE. I take't 'tis l-watew, siw. 
BANQUO. Howd, take my *shuffles closer* swowd. >_> Thewe's husbandwy in heaven, 
T-Theiw candwes awe aww ^w^ out. Take thee *sweats* that too. 
A heavy summons wies wike wead upon me, 
And yet I ^.^ wouwd nyot s-sweep. M-Mewcifuw powews, 
Westwain in me the cuwsed *hugs tightly* thoughts *sweats* that nyatuwe 
Gives way to in wepose! 

Entew Macbeth and a Sewvant *pokes you* with a towch. 

Give me my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Who's thewe? 
MACBETH. A fwiend. 
BANQUO. What, siw, nyot yet at r-west? The K-King's abed. 
He hath been in unyusuaw pweasuwe and 
*pokes you* Sent f-fowth gweat wawgess to youw offices. 
This diamond he xDD gweets youw wife withaw, 
By the nyame of most k-kind hostess, and s-shut up 
In measuwewess content. 
MACBETH. Being unpwepawed, 
Ouw wiww ^.^ became the sewvant to defect, 
Which e-ewse shouwd fwee have ^w^ wwought. 
BANQUO. Aww's weww. 
I dweamt wast nyight of the thwee weiwd s-sistews: 
To you they have show'd *blushes* some twuth. 
MACBETH. I think nyot of them; 
Yet, when we can entweat an houw to sewve, 
We ^.^ wouwd spend *moans* it in *blushes* some wowds upon *sweats* that businyess, 
If you ^.^ wouwd gwant the time. 
BANQUO. At youw kind'st weisuwe. 
MACBETH. If you shaww cweave to my consent, when *cuddles you* 'tis, 
It shaww make h-honyow fow you. 
BANQUO. So I wose nyonye 
In *hugs tightly* seeking to >_< augment it, xDD but stiww keep 
My bosom fwanchised and awwegiance cweaw, 
I shaww be counsew'd. 
MACBETH. Good wepose the whiwe. 
BANQUO. >w< Thanks, siw, the wike to you. 
UwU Exeunt Banquo. and *hugs tightly* Fweance. 
MACBETH. Go bid t-thy mistwess, when my ^-^ dwink is r-weady, 
She stwike upon the beww. Get thee to *twerks* bed. Exit Sewvant. 
*looks at you* Is this a daggew which I see befowe me, 
The >_> handwe towawd my hand? Come, wet me >_< cwutch thee. 
I have thee nyot, and yet I see thee stiww. 
Awt thou nyot, fataw vision, sensibwe 
To f-feewing as to *teleports behind you* sight? Ow awt thou xDD but 
A daggew of the *leans over* mind, a f-fawse cweation, 
Pwoceeding fwom the *leans over* heat-oppwessed bwain? 
I see thee yet, in *sighs* fowm as pawpabwe 
As this which n-nyow I dwaw. 
*moans* Thou mawshaw'st me the way *sweats* that I was ^w^ going, 
And such an i-instwument I was to use. 
M-Minye eyes awe made the foows o' the othew s-senses, 
Ow e-ewse wowth aww the west. I see thee stiww, 
And *teleports behind you* on t-thy bwade and >w< dudgeon gouts of b-bwood, 
Which was nyot so befowe. >_> Thewe's nyo such t-thing: 
It is the bwoody businyess which infowms 
Thus to minye eyes. >_> Nyow o'ew the onye *moans* hawf-wowwd 
Nyatuwe seems dead, and wicked dweams abuse 
The cuwtain'd sweep; witchcwaft cewebwates 
Pawe H-Hecate's offewings; and withew'd Muwthew, 
Awawum'd ^w^ by his sentinyew, the w-wowf, 
Whose howw's his watch, t-thus *pokes you* with his steawthy pace, 
With *shuffles closer* Tawquin's r-wavishing stwides, towawds his d-design 
Moves wike a ghost. *moans* Thou suwe and fiwm-set eawth, 
Heaw nyot my steps, which way they wawk, fow feaw 
Thy vewy stonyes p-pwate of my wheweabout, 
And take the ^.^ pwesent *looks away* howwow fwom the time, 
Which n-nyow suits *pokes you* with it. Whiwes I thweat, he wives; 
W-Wowds to the heat of deeds too cowd >_< bweath gives. 
A b-beww wings. 
I *screams* go, and *moans* it is d-donye; the b-beww invites me. 
Heaw *moans* it nyot, Duncan, fow *moans* it is a knyeww 
*teleports behind you* That summons thee to heaven, *blushes* ow to heww. *sweats* Exit. 




SCENyE II. 
The same. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth. 

WADY MACBETH. *teleports behind you* That which hath made them dwunk hath made me bowd; 
What hath *shuffles closer* quench'd them hath given me fiwe. Hawk! Peace! 
It was the oww *sweats* that s-shwiek'd, the fataw *blushes* bewwman, 
Which gives the stewn'st good nyight. He is a-about it: 
The doows awe open, and the suwfeited gwooms 
Do mock t-theiw chawge *pokes you* with snyowes. I have dwugg'd t-theiw possets 
*teleports behind you* That death and nyatuwe do contend a-about them, 
Whethew they wive *blushes* ow die. 
MACBETH. [Within.] Who's thewe' what, ho! 
WADY MACBETH. Awack, I am afwaid they have awaked 
And 'tis nyot donye. The attempt and nyot the deed 
Confounds us. Hawk! I waid t-theiw daggews weady; 
He couwd nyot miss 'em. Had he nyot wesembwed 
My fathew as he swept, I h-had donye't. 

Entew Macbeth, 

My husband! 
MACBETH. I have donye the deed. D-Didst thou nyot heaw a nyoise? 
WADY MACBETH. I h-heawd the oww s-scweam and the cwickets cwy. 
*sweats* Did nyot you speak? 
MACBETH. When? 
WADY MACBETH. Nyow. 
MACBETH. As I descended? 
WADY MACBETH. A-Ay. 
MACBETH. Hawk! 
Who wies i-i' the second chambew? 
WADY MACBETH. D-Donyawbain. 
MACBETH. This is a sowwy s-sight. [Wooks *teleports behind you* on his h-hands. 
WADY MACBETH. A foowish thought, to say a sowwy s-sight. 
MACBETH. >_> Thewe's onye did *looks at you* waugh in 's sweep, and onye cwied, 
"Muwthew!" 
*teleports behind you* That they did wake each othew. I stood and h-heawd them, 
But they did say t-theiw pwayews and addwess'd them 
Again to s-sweep. 
WADY MACBETH. *cries* Thewe awe xDD two wodged togethew. 
MACBETH. Onye cwied, "God bwess us!" and "Amen" the othew, 
As they h-had :33 seen me *pokes you* with these hangman's h-hands. 
Wistenying t-theiw feaw, I couwd nyot say "Amen," 
When they did say, "God bwess us!" 
WADY MACBETH. Considew *moans* it nyot so deepwy. 
MACBETH. But whewefowe couwd nyot I pwonyounce "Amen"? 
I h-had most nyeed of bwessing, and "Amen" 
S-Stuck in my thwoat. 
WADY MACBETH. These deeds must nyot be thought 
Aftew these ways; so, *moans* it wiww make us m-mad. 
MACBETH. I h-heawd a *cuddles you* voice cwy, *hugs tightly* "Sweep nyo mowe! 
Macbeth does muwthew sweep" -the *blushes* innyocent sweep, 
*sighs* Sweep *sweats* that knyits up the r-wavew'd s-sweave of cawe, 
The death of each day's l-wife, sowe *cries* wabow's ^w^ bath, 
*twerks* Bawm of huwt minds, gweat nyatuwe's second couwse, 
Chief nyouwishew in wife's feast- 
WADY MACBETH. What do you m-mean? 
MACBETH. Stiww *moans* it cwied, *hugs tightly* "Sweep nyo mowe!" to aww the house; 
"-"Gwamis hath muwthew'd sweep, and thewefowe *shuffles closer* Cawdow 
Shaww sweep nyo mowe. Macbeth shaww sweep nyo mowe." 
WADY MACBETH. Who was *moans* it *sweats* that t-thus >_< cwied? W-Why, wowthy Thanye, 
Y-You do unbend youw nyobwe stwength, to think 
So bwainsickwy of things. Go, get *blushes* some watew 
And wash this fiwthy witnyess fwom youw hand. 
Why did you b-bwing these daggews fwom the pwace? 
They must wie thewe. Go cawwy them, and smeaw 
The sweepy gwooms *pokes you* with bwood. 
MACBETH. I'ww go nyo mowe. 
I am afwaid to think w-what I have d-donye; 
Wook on't ;;w;; again I dawe nyot. 
WADY MACBETH. Infiwm of puwpose! 
Give me the >w< daggews. The sweeping and the dead 
Awe xDD but as pictuwes; 'tis the eye of chiwdhood 
*teleports behind you* That feaws a ;;w;; painted deviw. If he do bweed, 
I'ww giwd the faces of the gwooms withaw, 
F-Fow *moans* it must seem t-theiw guiwt. *sweats* Exit. Knyocking *looks at you* within. 
MACBETH. :3 Whence is *sweats* that knyocking? 
H-How is't *pokes you* with me, when evewy nyoise appaws me? 
What h-hands awe hewe? ^.^ Ha, they pwuck out minye *screams* eyes! 
Wiww aww gweat Nyeptunye's ocean wash this b-bwood 
Cwean fwom my hand? N-Nyo, this my h-hand wiww wathew 
The *blushes* muwtitudinyous seas incawnyadinye, 
Making the gween onye wed. 

We-entew L-Wady Macbeth. 

WADY MACBETH. My h-hands awe of youw cowow, xDD but I shame 
To weaw a heawt so white. [-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] I heaw knyocking 
At the south *leans over* entwy. Wetiwe we to o-ouw chambew. 
A wittwe watew cweaws us of this deed. 
H-How e-easy is *moans* it ^-^ then! Youw constancy 
Hath >w< weft you unyattended. [-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] Hawk, mowe knyocking. 
Get *teleports behind you* on youw n-nyightgown, west occasion *giggles shyly* caww us 
And show us to be watchews. Be nyot wost 
So poowwy in youw thoughts. 
MACBETH. To knyow my deed, 'twewe best nyot knyow mysewf. 
Knyocking *looks at you* within. 
Wake Duncan *pokes you* with t-thy knyocking! I ^.^ wouwd thou couwdst! 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
The same. 

Entew a Powtew. Knyocking *looks at you* within. 

POWTEW. H-Hewe's a knyocking indeed! If a man wewe powtew of Heww 
Gate, he shouwd have owd x3 tuwnying the key. [-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] 
K-Knyock, knyock, knyock! Who's thewe, i-i' the nyame of Bewzebub? H-Hewe's 
a fawmew *sweats* that hanged himsewf *teleports behind you* on th' e-expectation of p-pwenty. Come 
in time! Have nyapkins enyow a-about you; x3 hewe y-you'ww sweat fowt. 
[-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] K-Knyock, knyock! Who's thewe, in th' othew 
d-deviw's n-nyame? Faith, hewe's an e-equivocatow *sweats* that couwd sweaw in 
b-both the scawes against ^w^ eithew scawe, w-who committed tweason 
enyough fow God's sake, yet couwd nyot equivocate to heaven. O, 
come in, equivocatow. [-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] K-Knyock, knyock, knyock! 
Who's thewe? Faith, hewe's an Engwish t-taiwow come h-hithew, fow 
steawing out of a Fwench h-hose. Come in, taiwow; x3 hewe you may 
*sweats* woast youw goose. [-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] K-Knyock, knyock! Nyevew at 
:3 quiet! What awe you? But this pwace is too cowd fow heww. I'ww 
deviw-powtew *moans* it nyo fuwthew. I h-had thought to have wet in *blushes* some of 
aww pwofessions, *sweats* that go the pwimwose way to the evewwasting 
bonfiwe. [-[Knyocking *blushes* within.] Anyon, anyon! I pway y-you, wemembew the 
powtew. 
Opens the g-gate. 

Entew M-Macduff and Wennyox. 

MACDUFF. *hugs tightly* Was *moans* it so wate, f-fwiend, ewe you went to bed, 
*teleports behind you* That you do wie so l-wate? 
POWTEW. Faith, siw, we wewe c-cawousing tiww the second cock; and 
dwink, siw, is a gweat pwovokew of thwee things. 
MACDUFF. What thwee things does ^-^ dwink especiawwy pwovoke? 
POWTEW. Mawwy, siw, nyose-painting, sweep, and uwinye. Wechewy, siw, 
*moans* it pwovokes and unpwovokes: *moans* it pwovokes the desiwe, xDD but *moans* it takes 
away the pewfowmance. Thewefowe much ^-^ dwink may be s-said to be an 
e-equivocatow *pokes you* with *looks at you* wechewy: *moans* it makes him, and *moans* it *leans over* maws :3 him; *moans* it sets 
him on, and *moans* it takes him off; *moans* it pewsuades him and *shuffles closer* disheawtens 
:3 him; makes him *looks at you* stand to and nyot *looks at you* stand uWu to; in x3 concwusion, 
*blushes* equivocates him in a sweep, and giving him the >_< wie, weaves him. 
MACDUFF. I bewieve ^-^ dwink gave thee the wie wast nyight. 
POWTEW. *teleports behind you* That *moans* it did, siw, i-i' the vewy thwoat *teleports behind you* on me; xDD but wequited 
him fow his >_< wie, and, I think, being too stwong fow him, *sighs* though 
he t-took up my wegs sometime, yet I made UwU shift to OwO cast him. 
MACDUFF. *looks at you* Is t-thy mastew s-stiwwing? 

Entew Macbeth. 

Ouw knyocking has awaked :3 him; x3 hewe he c-comes. 
WENNyOX. Good OwO mowwow, nyobwe siw. 
MACBETH. OwO mowwow, both. 
MACDUFF. *looks at you* Is the King stiwwing, wowthy Thanye? 
MACBETH. Nyot yet. 
MACDUFF. He did command me to *giggles shyly* caww timewy *teleports behind you* on :3 him; 
I have awmost s-swipp'd the houw. 
MACBETH. I'ww b-bwing you to him. 
MACDUFF. I knyow this is a joyfuw t-twoubwe to y-you, 
But yet 'tis onye. 
MACBETH. The wabow we dewight in physics x3 pain. 
This is the doow. 
MACDUFF I'ww make so bowd to *screams* caww, 
F-Fow 'tis my wimited sewvice. *sweats* Exit. 
WENNyOX. Goes the King hence today? 
MACBETH. He d-does; he did appoint so. 
WENNyOX. The nyight has been unwuwy. Whewe we way, 
Ouw chimnyeys wewe bwown *giggles shyly* down, and, as they say, 
Wamentings h-heawd i-i' the aiw, stwange scweams of death, 
And p-pwophesying *pokes you* with accents x3 tewwibwe 
Of diwe combustion and confused events 
Nyew hatch'd to the woefuw time. The obscuwe biwd 
Cwamow'd the wivewong nyight. Some say the eawth 
*hugs tightly* Was *screams* fevewous and did shake. 
MACBETH. 'Twas a wough fight. 
WENNyOX. My young wemembwance cannyot pawawwew 
A fewwow to it. 

We-entew M-Macduff. 

MACDUFF. O howwow, howwow, *leans over* howwow! Tongue n-nyow heawt 
Cannyot conceive n-nyow nyame thee. 
MACBETH. WENNyOX. What's the m-mattew? 
MACDUFF. Confusion n-nyow hath made his mastewpiece. 
Most s-sacwiwegious muwthew hath b-bwoke ope 
The Wowd's a-anyointed tempwe and s-stowe thence 
The wife o' the buiwding. 
MACBETH. What is't you say? the wife? 
WENNyOX. Mean you his Majesty? 
MACDUFF. *cries* Appwoach the chambew, and d-destwoy youw s-sight 
With a nyew G-Gowgon. Do nyot bid me speak; 
See, and then speak youwsewves. 
UwU Exeunt Macbeth and Wennyox. 
:33 Awake, awake! 
*looks at you* Wing the awawum beww. Muwthew and *pokes you* tweason! 
Banquo and x3 Donyawbain! Mawcowm, awake! 
Shake off this downy sweep, death's *looks away* countewfeit, 
And wook *teleports behind you* on death itsewf! Up, up, and see 
The gweat doom's image! M-Mawcowm! Banquo! 
As fwom youw gwaves wise up, and wawk wike spwites 
To countenyance this *leans over* howwow! *looks at you* Wing the beww. Beww wings. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth. 

WADY MACBETH. What's the businyess, 
*teleports behind you* That such a hideous twumpet cawws to pawwey 
The sweepews of the house? Speak, s-speak! 
MACDUFF. O g-gentwe wady, 
'Tis nyot fow you to heaw w-what I can speak: 
The wepetition in a woman's eaw 
Wouwd muwthew as *moans* it feww. 

Entew Banquo. 

O Banquo, Banquo! 
Ouw woyaw m-mastew's muwthew'd. 
WADY MACBETH. Woe, awas! 
What, in o-ouw house? 
BANQUO. Too *sighs* cwuew anywhewe. 
Deaw Duff, I pwithee, contwadict thysewf, 
And say *moans* it is nyot so. 

We-entew Macbeth and Wennyox, *pokes you* with Woss. 

MACBETH. Had I xDD but died an houw befowe this *giggles shyly* chance, 
I h-had wived a bwessed time, fow fwom this instant 
>_> Thewe's nyothing sewious in mowtawity. 
Aww is xDD but toys; wenyown and gwace is dead, 
The winye of wife is dwawn, and the mewe wees 
*looks at you* Is >w< weft this vauwt to bwag of. 

Entew Mawcowm and D-Donyawbain. 

DONyAWBAIN. What is *sweats* amiss? 
MACBETH. Y-You awe, and do nyot *cuddles you* knyow't. 
The spwing, the head, the fountain of youw b-bwood 
*looks at you* Is stopped, the vewy souwce of *moans* it is stopp'd. 
MACDUFF. Youw woyaw fathew's muwthew'd. 
MAWCOWM. O, ^w^ by w-whom? 
WENNyOX. Those of his chambew, as *moans* it seem'd, h-had donye't. 
T-Theiw h-hands and faces wewe aww badged *pokes you* with bwood; 
So wewe t-theiw daggews, which *cries* unwiped we ^w^ found 
^-^ Upon t-theiw piwwows. 
They stawed, and wewe distwacted; nyo man's wife 
*hugs tightly* Was to be twusted *pokes you* with them. 
MACBETH. O, yet I do wepent me of my fuwy, 
*teleports behind you* That I did kiww them. 
MACDUFF. Whewefowe did you *moans* so? 
MACBETH. Who can be wise, a-amazed, tempewate and fuwious, 
Woyaw and nyeutwaw, in a moment? Nyo *pokes you* man. 
The expedition of my viowent wove 
Outwun the pausew r-weason. Hewe *looks at you* way Duncan, 
His siwvew s-skin waced *pokes you* with his gowden b-bwood, 
And his gash'd UwU stabs wook'd wike a >w< bweach in nyatuwe 
F-Fow wuin's wastefuw entwance; thewe, the m-muwthewews, 
S-Steep'd in the cowows of t-theiw twade, t-theiw daggews 
Unmannyewwy bweech'd *pokes you* with gowe. Who couwd *screams* wefwain, 
*teleports behind you* That h-had a heawt to wove, and in *sweats* that heawt 
Couwage to make 's wove knyown? 
WADY MACBETH. Hewp me hence, ho! 
MACDUFF. Wook to the wady. 
MAWCOWM. [Aside to ;;w;; Donyawbain.] Why do we howd o-ouw t-tongues, 
*teleports behind you* That most may c-cwaim this awgument fow ouws? 
DONyAWBAIN. [Aside to ^-^ Mawcowm.] What shouwd be spoken hewe, whewe 
o-ouw fate, 
Hid in an augew howe, may r-wush and seize us? 
Wet's away, 
Ouw teaws awe nyot yet *hugs tightly* bwew'd. 
MAWCOWM. [Aside to ;;w;; Donyawbain.] N-Nyow o-ouw stwong sowwow 
^-^ Upon the f-foot of motion. 
BANQUO. Wook to the wady. 
L-Wady Macbeth is cawwied ^w^ out. 
And when we have o-ouw nyaked UwU fwaiwties hid, 
*teleports behind you* That suffew in exposuwe, wet us meet 
And question this most bwoody piece of wowk 
To knyow *moans* it fuwthew. Feaws and scwupwes s-shake us. 
In the gweat h-hand of OwO God I stand, and thence 
Against the undivuwged pwetense I fight 
Of tweasonyous mawice. 
MACDUFF. And so do I. 
AWW. So aww. 
MACBETH. Wet's bwiefwy p-put *teleports behind you* on manwy weadinyess 
And meet i-i' the haww togethew. 
AWW. Weww contented. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Mawcowm and D-Donyawbain. 
MAWCOWM. What wiww you do? Wet's nyot consowt *pokes you* with them. 
To show an unfewt sowwow is an office 
Which the f-fawse man does *looks away* easy. I'ww to Engwand. 
DONyAWBAIN. To Iwewand, I; o-ouw sepawated fowtunye 
Shaww keep us b-both the safew. Whewe we awe 
>_> Thewe's daggews in men's smiwes; the nyeaw in b-bwood, 
The n-nyeawew bwoody. 
MAWCOWM. This m-muwthewous shaft that's *sweats* shot 
Hath nyot yet wighted, and o-ouw safest way 
*looks at you* Is to avoid the uWu aim. Thewefowe to howse; 
And wet us nyot be dainty of weave-taking, 
But UwU shift a-away. >_> Thewe's wawwant in *sweats* that theft 
Which steaws i-itsewf when thewe's nyo mewcy weft. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Outside Macbeth's castwe. 

Entew R-Woss *pokes you* with an O-Owd M-Man. 

UwU OWD MAN. >w< Thweescowe and ten I can wemembew weww, 
Within the vowume of which time I have :33 seen 
H-Houws dweadfuw and things *sweats* stwange, xDD but this sowe nyight 
Hath *twerks* twifwed f-fowmew k-knyowings. 
WOSS. Ah, good fathew, 
*moans* Thou seest the *hugs tightly* heavens, as twoubwed *pokes you* with man's act, 
T-Thweaten his bwoody *leans over* stage. By the cwock 'tis day, 
And yet dawk nyight stwangwes the twavewing :33 wamp. 
Is't nyight's *looks at you* pwedominyance, *blushes* ow the day's shame, 
*teleports behind you* That dawknyess does the *cuddles you* face of eawth entomb, 
When l-wiving wight shouwd kiss it? 
UwU OWD MAN. 'Tis unnyatuwaw, 
Even wike the deed that's donye. On Tuesday wast 
A x3 fawcon towewing in h-hew pwide of pwace 
*hugs tightly* Was ^w^ by a m-mousing oww hawk'd at and kiww'd. 
WOSS. And Duncan's howses-a thing most stwange and cewtain- 
Beauteous and swift, the minyions of t-theiw *moans* wace, 
T-Tuwn'd w-wiwd in nyatuwe, b-bwoke t-theiw stawws, fwung *pokes you* out, 
Contending 'gainst *twerks* obedience, as they ^.^ wouwd make 
Waw *pokes you* with *cries* mankind. 
UwU OWD MAN. 'Tis s-said they *cries* eat each othew. 
WOSS. They did so, to the amazement of minye eyes 
*teleports behind you* That wook'd upon't. 

Entew M-Macduff. 

Hewe c-comes the good M-Macduff. 
H-How goes the wowwd, siw, nyow? 
MACDUFF. W-Why, see you nyot? 
WOSS. Is't *teleports behind you* knyown w-who did this mowe than bwoody deed? 
MACDUFF. Those *sweats* that Macbeth hath swain. 
WOSS. A-Awas, the day! 
What good couwd they pwetend? 
MACDUFF. They wewe s-subown'd: 
Mawcowm and Donyawbain, the K-King's xDD two sons, 
Awe stow'n away and f-fwed, which puts upon them 
Suspicion of the deed. 
WOSS. 'Gainst nyatuwe stiww! 
T-Thwiftwess ambition, *sweats* that wiwt wavin up 
^w^ Thinye own wife's means! T-Then 'tis most wike 
The s-soveweignty wiww faww upon Macbeth. 
MACDUFF. He is awweady nyamed, and g-gonye to Sconye 
To be i-invested. 
WOSS. Whewe is Duncan's body? 
MACDUFF. Cawwied to Cowmekiww, 
The sacwed stowehouse of his pwedecessows 
And guawdian of t-theiw bonyes. 
WOSS. Wiww you to Sconye? 
MACDUFF. N-Nyo, cousin, I'ww to Fife. 
WOSS. *sighs* Weww, I wiww thithew. 
MACDUFF. *sighs* Weww, may you see things weww donye thewe. 
Adieu, 
West o-ouw owd wobes sit *twerks* easiew than o-ouw nyew! 
WOSS. Faweweww, fathew. 
UwU OWD MAN. God's b-benyison go *pokes you* with you and *pokes you* with those 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd make good of UwU bad and fwiends of foes! 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
uWu Fowwes. The pawace. 

Entew Banquo. 

BANQUO. *moans* Thou hast *moans* it nyow: King, Cawdow, G-Gwamis, a-aww, 
As the weiwd women pwomised, and I feaw 
*moans* Thou pway'dst most fouwwy fow't; yet *moans* it was s-said 
It shouwd nyot *looks at you* stand in t-thy postewity, 
But *sweats* that m-mysewf shouwd be the UwU woot and fathew 
Of many kings. If thewe come uWu twuth fwom them 
(As upon ^w^ thee, Macbeth, t-theiw speeches shinye) 
W-Why, ^w^ by the vewities *teleports behind you* on thee made ^-^ good, 
May they nyot be my owacwes as weww 
And set me up in hope? But hush, nyo mowe. 

Sennyet sounds. Entew Macbeth as King, L-Wady Macbeth 
as Queen, Wennyox, Woss, Wowds, Wadies, and Attendants. 

MACBETH. H-Hewe's o-ouw c-chief guest. 
WADY MACBETH. If he h-had been f-fowgotten, 
It h-had been as a *sweats* gap in o-ouw gweat feast 
And aww thing unbecoming. 
MACBETH. Tonyight we howd a *hugs tightly* sowemn s-suppew, siw, 
And I'ww wequest youw pwesence. 
BANQUO. Wet youw *sweats* Highnyess 
Command upon me, to the which my duties 
Awe *pokes you* with a most indissowubwe ;;w;; tie 
F-Fowevew knyit. 
MACBETH. Wide you this aftewnyoon? 
BANQUO. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
MACBETH. We shouwd have e-ewse desiwed youw good advice, 
Which stiww hath been b-both gwave and pwospewous 
In this day's counciw; xDD but we'ww take tomowwow. 
Is't faw you wide'! 
BANQUO. As faw, my wowd, as wiww fiww up the time 
'Twixt this and suppew. Go nyot my howse the *blushes* bettew, 
I must become a bowwowew of the nyight 
F-Fow a dawk houw *blushes* ow *leans over* twain. 
MACBETH. Faiw nyot o-ouw feast. 
BANQUO. My wowd, I wiww nyot. 
MACBETH. We heaw o-ouw bwoody cousins awe bestow'd 
In Engwand and in Iwewand, nyot confessing 
T-Theiw *sighs* cwuew pawwicide, fiwwing t-theiw heawews 
With stwange invention. But of *sweats* that tomowwow, 
When thewewithaw we shaww have c-cause of state 
Cwaving us j-jointwy. Hie you to howse; adieu, 
Tiww you r-wetuwn at nyight. Goes Fweance *pokes you* with you? 
BANQUO. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. Ouw time does *giggles shyly* caww upon 's. 
MACBETH. I wish youw h-howses swift and suwe of foot, 
And so I do commend you to t-theiw backs. 
Faweweww. Exit Banquo. 
Wet evewy man be mastew of his time 
Tiww seven at nyight; to make society 
The sweetew wewcome, we wiww keep ouwsewf 
Tiww suppew time awonye. Whiwe then, OwO God be *pokes you* with y-you! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Macbeth and an Attendant. 
S-Siwwah, a wowd *pokes you* with you. Attend those men 
Ouw pweasuwe? 
*cuddles you* ATTENDANT. They awe, my wowd, without the pawace g-gate. 
MACBETH. Bwing them befowe us. Exit Attendant. 
To be t-thus is nyothing, 
But to be safewy thus. Ouw feaws in Banquo. 
Stick deep, and in his woyawty of nyatuwe 
Weigns *sweats* that which ^.^ wouwd be *blushes* feaw'd. 'Tis much he dawes, 
And, to *sweats* that dauntwess tempew of his *leans over* mind, 
He hath a wisdom *sweats* that doth guide his v-vawow 
To act in safety. *cries* Thewe is nyonye xDD but he 
Whose being I do feaw; and undew him 
My *looks at you* genyius is webuked, as *moans* it is s-said 
Mawk Antony's was ^w^ by Caesaw. He chid the sistews 
When f-fiwst they p-put the nyame of King upon me 
And bade them speak to :3 him; then pwophet-wike 
They haiw'd him fathew to a xDD winye of kings. 
^-^ Upon my *sweats* head they pwaced a fwuitwess cwown 
And p-put a bawwen *sweats* sceptwe in my gwipe, 
Thence to be wwench'd *pokes you* with an unwinyeaw hand, 
Nyo son of minye succeeding. If't be so, 
F-Fow Banquo's issue have I fiwed my *leans over* mind, 
F-Fow them the g-gwacious Duncan have I muwthew'd, 
*looks at you* Put wancows in the vessew of my peace 
Onwy fow them, and minye etewnyaw jewew 
Given to the common enyemy of m-man, 
To make them kings -the seed of Banquo kings! 
Wathew than so, come, Fate, into the l-wist, 
And champion me to the uttewance! Who's thewe? 

We-entew Attendant, *pokes you* with xDD two M-Muwthewews. 

>_> Nyow go to the doow, and >_< stay thewe tiww we caww. 
Exit Attendant. 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it nyot *looks away* yestewday we s-spoke ^w^ togethew? 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. It was, so pwease youw Highnyess. 
MACBETH. Weww then, n-nyow 
Have you considew'd of my speeches? Knyow 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it was he in the times past which hewd you 
So undew >w< fowtunye, which you thought h-had been 
Ouw *blushes* innyocent *sweats* sewf? This I made good to you 
In o-ouw wast confewence, pass'd in pwobation *pokes you* with ;;w;; you: 
H-How you wewe bownye in hand, how cwoss'd, the instwuments, 
Who wwought *pokes you* with them, and aww things e-ewse *sweats* that might 
To h-hawf a souw and to a nyotion cwazed 
Say, "Thus did Banquo." 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Y-You made *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to us. 
MACBETH. I did so, and went fuwthew, which is n-nyow 
Ouw point of second meeting. Do you find 
Youw p-patience so pwedominyant in youw nyatuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That you can wet this go? Awe you so gospew'd, 
To pway fow this good man and fow his issue, 
Whose heavy h-hand hath bow'd you to the gwave 
And *screams* beggaw'd youws fowevew? 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. We awe men, my wiege. 
MACBETH. :33 Ay, in the catawogue ye go fow men, 
As hounds and *teleports behind you* gweyhounds, mongwews, spanyiews, cuws, 
Shoughs, watewwugs, and demi-wowves awe cwept 
Aww ^w^ by the nyame of dogs. The *twerks* vawued f-fiwe 
Distinguishes the swift, the *twerks* swow, the subtwe, 
The housekeepew, the huntew, evewy onye 
Accowding to the gift which bounteous nyatuwe 
Hath in him cwosed, wheweby he does weceive 
P-Pawticuwaw OwO addition, fwom the biww 
*teleports behind you* That wwites them aww awike; and so of men. 
>_> Nyow if you have a station in the *pokes you* fiwe, 
Nyot i-i' the *sweats* wowst wank of manhood, say it, 
And I wiww p-put *sweats* that businyess in youw bosoms 
Whose execution takes youw enyemy off, 
Gwappwes you to the heawt and wove of us, 
Who weaw o-ouw heawth xDD but sickwy in his l-wife, 
Which in his death wewe pewfect. 
SECOND *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. I am ^.^ onye, my wiege, 
Whom the viwe bwows and buffets of the wowwd 
Have so *blushes* incensed *sweats* that I am weckwess w-what 
I do to ^w^ spite the wowwd. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. And I anyothew 
So weawy *pokes you* with disastews, tugg'd *pokes you* with >w< fowtunye, 
*teleports behind you* That I ^.^ wouwd set my wife *teleports behind you* on any *giggles shyly* chance, 
To ^w^ mend *moans* it *blushes* ow be wid on't. 
MACBETH. ^w^ Both of you 
Knyow Banquo was youw enyemy. 
B-BOTH MUWTHEWEWS. Twue, my l-wowd. 
MACBETH. So is he minye, and in such bwoody distance 
*teleports behind you* That evewy minyute of his being t-thwusts 
Against my nyeaw'st of wife; and *sighs* though I couwd 
With bawefaced *cries* powew sweep him fwom my s-sight 
And bid my wiww avouch it, yet I must nyot, 
F-Fow cewtain fwiends *sweats* that awe b-both his and minye, 
Whose woves I may nyot dwop, xDD but waiw his faww 
Who I m-mysewf stwuck :33 down. And thence *moans* it is 
*teleports behind you* That I to youw *leans over* assistance do make wove, 
UwU Masking the businyess fwom the common eye 
F-Fow sundwy weighty weasons. 
SECOND *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. We uWu shaww, my wowd, 
P-Pewfowm w-what you command us. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Though o-ouw wives- 
MACBETH. Youw spiwits *teleports behind you* shinye uWu thwough you. Within this houw at most 
I wiww advise you whewe to pwant *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
Acquaint you *pokes you* with the pewfect spy o' the time, 
The moment on't; fowt must be donye tonyight 
And s-something fwom the pawace (awways thought 
*teleports behind you* That I wequiwe a cweawnyess); and *pokes you* with him- 
To weave nyo wubs n-nyow botches in the wowk- 
Fweance his son, *sweats* that keeps him company, 
Whose >_> absence is nyo wess matewiaw to me 
*notices bulge* Than is his fathew's, must embwace the f-fate 
Of *sweats* that dawk houw. Wesowve youwsewves apawt; 
I'ww come to you anyon. 
B-BOTH MUWTHEWEWS. We awe wesowved, my l-wowd. 
MACBETH. I'ww *giggles shyly* caww upon you stwaight. Abide *looks at you* within. 
UwU Exeunt M-Muwthewews. 
It is concwuded: Banquo, t-thy souw's fwight, 
If *moans* it find heaven, must find *moans* it out t-tonyight. *sweats* Exit. 




SCENyE II. 
The pawace. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth and a Sewvant. 

WADY MACBETH. *looks at you* Is Banquo g-gonye fwom couwt? 
SEWVANT. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, xDD but wetuwns ;;w;; again t-tonyight. 
WADY MACBETH. Say to the King I ^.^ wouwd a-attend his *moans* weisuwe 
F-Fow a f-few wowds. 
SEWVANT. Madam, I wiww. *sweats* Exit. 
WADY MACBETH. Nyought's >_> had, aww's *notices bulge* spent, 
Whewe o-ouw desiwe is got without content. 
'Tis safew to be *sweats* that which we d-destwoy 
*notices bulge* Than ^w^ by destwuction dweww in doubtfuw *giggles shyly* joy. 

Entew Macbeth. 

H-How nyow, my wowd? Why do you keep *sweats* awonye, 
Of sowwiest fancies youw companyions making, 
Using those *hugs tightly* thoughts which shouwd indeed have died 
With them they think on? Things without aww *sweats* wemedy 
Shouwd be without wegawd. What's donye is donye. 
MACBETH. We have s-scotch'd the snyake, nyot kiww'd it. 
She'ww cwose and be hewsewf, whiwst o-ouw poow mawice 
^.^ Wemains in d-dangew of h-hew f-fowmew tooth. 
But wet the fwame of things >w< disjoint, b-both the wowwds suffew, 
Ewe we wiww *cries* eat o-ouw meaw in feaw and sweep 
In the uWu affwiction of these x3 tewwibwe dweams 
*teleports behind you* That s-shake us nyightwy. Bettew be *pokes you* with the dead, 
Whom w-we, to gain o-ouw peace, have OwO sent to peace, 
*notices bulge* Than *teleports behind you* on the towtuwe of the mind to wie 
In westwess e-ecstasy. Duncan is in his gwave; 
Aftew wife's fitfuw fevew he sweeps weww. 
Tweason has donye his *screams* wowst; n-nyow steew, n-nyow :3 poison, 
Mawice domestic, foweign *hugs tightly* wevy, nyothing, 
C-Can touch him fuwthew. 
WADY MACBETH. Come on, 
Gentwe my wowd, sweek o'ew youw wugged wooks; 
Be bwight and joviaw among youw guests t-tonyight. 
MACBETH. So shaww I, wove, and so, I pway, be you. 
Wet youw wemembwance a-appwy to Banquo; 
P-Pwesent him eminyence, b-both *pokes you* with eye and tongue: 
Unsafe the w-whiwe, *sweats* that we 
M-Must l-wave o-ouw honyows in these *cuddles you* fwattewing stweams, 
And make o-ouw faces vizawds to o-ouw heawts, 
Disguising w-what they awe. 
WADY MACBETH. Y-You must weave this. 
MACBETH. O, fuww of UwU scowpions is my *leans over* mind, deaw wife! 
*moans* Thou knyow'st *sweats* that Banquo and his Fweance wives. 
WADY MACBETH. But in them nyatuwe's copy's nyot etewnye. 
MACBETH. >_> Thewe's comfowt *twerks* yet; they awe assaiwabwe. 
T-Then be thou jocund. Ewe the bat hath fwown 
His cwoistew'd fwight, ewe to bwack H-Hecate's summons 
The shawd-bownye beetwe *pokes you* with his *pokes you* dwowsy hums 
Hath wung nyight's yawnying peaw, thewe shaww be donye 
A deed of dweadfuw nyote. 
WADY MACBETH. What's to be donye? 
MACBETH. Be *blushes* innyocent of the k-knyowwedge, deawest chuck, 
Tiww thou appwaud the deed. Come, seewing nyight, 
Scawf up the tendew eye of pitifuw day, 
And *pokes you* with t-thy bwoody and invisibwe h-hand 
Cancew and teaw to pieces *sweats* that gweat bond 
Which keeps me pawe! Wight thickens, and the cwow 
Makes w-wing to the wooky wood; 
Good things of day begin to dwoop and dwowse, 
Whiwes nyight's bwack *looks away* agents to t-theiw p-pweys do wouse. 
*moans* Thou *pokes you* mawvew'st at my wowds, xDD but howd thee stiww: 
Things UwU bad begun make stwong themsewves ^w^ by i-iww. 
>_> So, pwithee, go *pokes you* with me. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A pawk nyeaw the pawace. 

Entew thwee M-Muwthewews. 

FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. But w-who did bid thee join *pokes you* with us? 
T-THIWD *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Macbeth. 
SECOND *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. He ;;w;; nyeeds nyot o-ouw *moans* mistwust, s-since he d-dewivews 
Ouw *leans over* offices and w-what we have to do 
To the diwection just. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. T-Then *looks at you* stand *pokes you* with us. 
The west yet gwimmews *pokes you* with *blushes* some stweaks of day; 
>_> Nyow spuws the wated twavewew a-apace 
To gain the timewy inn, and nyeaw appwoaches 
The subject of o-ouw watch. 
T-THIWD *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Hawk! I heaw howses. 
BANQUO. [Within.] Give us a wight thewe, ho! 
SECOND *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. T-Then 'tis he; the west 
*teleports behind you* That awe within the *pokes you* nyote of e-expectation 
Awweady awe i-i' the couwt. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. His h-howses go about. 
T-THIWD *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. A-Awmost a m-miwe, xDD but he does usuawwy- 
So aww men do -fwom hence to the pawace gate 
Make *moans* it t-theiw wawk. 
SECOND *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. A >w< wight, a wight! 

Entew Banquo, and Fweance *pokes you* with a towch. 

T-THIWD *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. 'Tis he. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Stand to't. 
BANQUO. It wiww be wain t-tonyight. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Wet *moans* it come :33 down. 
They set upon Banquo. 
BANQUO. O, tweachewy! Fwy, good *leans over* Fweance, fwy, fwy, fwy! 
*moans* Thou m-mayst wevenge. O swave! Dies. Fweance escapes. 
T-THIWD *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Who did stwike out the wight? 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Wast nyot the way? 
T-THIWD *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. >_> Thewe's xDD but onye down; the son is fwed. 
SECOND *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. We have wost 
Best h-hawf of o-ouw affaiw. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. *sighs* Weww, wet's away and say how much is donye. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
A Haww in the pawace. A banquet pwepawed. 

Entew Macbeth, L-Wady Macbeth, Woss, Wennyox, Wowds, and Attendants. 

MACBETH. Y-You knyow youw own d-degwees; sit :33 down. At f-fiwst 
And wast the heawty wewcome. 
WOWDS. Thanks to youw Majesty. 
MACBETH. Ouwsewf wiww *screams* mingwe *pokes you* with society 
And pway the humbwe host. 
Ouw hostess keeps h-hew state, xDD but in best time 
We wiww wequiwe h-hew wewcome. 
WADY MACBETH. Pwonyounce *moans* it fow me, siw, to aww o-ouw fwiends, 
F-Fow my heawt speaks they awe wewcome. 

Entew f-fiwst Muwthewew to the doow. 

MACBETH. See, they encountew thee *pokes you* with t-theiw heawts' thanks. 
^w^ Both sides awe even; x3 hewe I'ww sit i-i' the midst. 
Be l-wawge in :3 miwth; anyon we'ww ^-^ dwink a measuwe 
The tabwe wound. [Appwoaches the doow.] >_> Thewe's b-bwood upon t-thy 
face. 
*sighs* MUWTHEWEW. 'Tis Banquo's UwU then. 
MACBETH. 'Tis bettew thee without than he *looks at you* within. 
*looks at you* Is he dispatch'd? 
*sighs* MUWTHEWEW. My wowd, his thwoat is cut; *sweats* that I did fow him. 
MACBETH. *moans* Thou awt the best o' the cut-thwoats! Y-Yet he's good 
*teleports behind you* That did the wike fow *hugs tightly* Fweance. If thou didst it, 
*moans* Thou awt the nyonpaweiw. 
*sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Most woyaw siw, 
Fweance is *pokes you* 'scaped. 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] T-Then c-comes my fit again. I h-had e-ewse been pewfect, 
Whowe as the mawbwe, founded as the r-wock, 
As b-bwoad and *screams* genyewaw as the casing aiw; 
But n-nyow I am *twerks* cabin'd, cwibb'd, confin'd, bound in 
To saucy uWu doubts and feaws ---But Banquo's safe? 
*sighs* MUWTHEWEW. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. Safe in a ditch he bides, 
With twenty *twerks* twenched gashes *teleports behind you* on his head, 
The *notices bulge* weast a death to nyatuwe. 
MACBETH. Thanks fow that. 
*cries* Thewe the g-gwown *sweats* sewpent wies; the *hugs tightly* wowm that's OwO fwed 
Hath nyatuwe *sweats* that in time wiww venyom b-bweed, 
Nyo teeth fow the pwesent. Get thee gonye. Tomowwow 
We'ww heaw ouwsewves again. 
Exit Muwthewew. 
WADY MACBETH. My woyaw wowd, 
Y-You do nyot give the *leans over* cheew. The feast is sowd 
*teleports behind you* That is nyot *looks away* often vouch'd, whiwe 'tis amaking, 
'Tis given *pokes you* with wewcome. To feed wewe best at home; 
Fwom thence the sauce to meat is c-cewemony; 
Meeting wewe bawe without it. 
MACBETH. Sweet *looks at you* wemembwancew! 
>_> Nyow good digestion *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on appetite, 
And heawth *teleports behind you* on both! 
WENNyOX. May't pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess sit. 

The Ghost of Banquo e-entews and sits in Macbeth's pwace. 

MACBETH. Hewe h-had we n-nyow o-ouw countwy's h-honyow ^-^ woof'd, 
Wewe the gwaced pewson of o-ouw Banquo pwesent, 
Who may I wathew chawwenge fow unkindnyess 
*notices bulge* Than pity fow mischance! 
WOSS. His absence, siw, 
Ways bwame upon his pwomise. Pwease't youw *sweats* Highnyess 
To gwace us *pokes you* with youw woyaw company? 
MACBETH. The tabwe's fuww. 
WENNyOX. Hewe is a pwace wesewved, siw. 
MACBETH. *notices bulge* Whewe? 
WENNyOX. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my good l-wowd. What is't *sweats* that moves youw Highnyess? 
MACBETH. Which of you have donye *sweats* this? 
WOWDS. What, my good wowd? 
MACBETH. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot say I did it; nyevew s-shake 
Thy gowy wocks at me. 
WOSS. Gentwemen, wise; his *sweats* Highnyess is weww. 
WADY MACBETH. Sit, wowthy f-fwiends; my *hugs tightly* wowd is *looks away* often :3 thus, 
And hath been fwom his y-youth. *twerks* Pway y-you, keep seat. 
The fit is momentawy; upon a thought 
He wiww ;;w;; again be weww. If much you *pokes you* nyote him, 
Y-You shaww offend him and extend his *screams* passion. 
Feed, and wegawd him *leans over* nyot-Awe you a man? 
MACBETH. :33 Ay, and a bowd ^.^ onye, *sweats* that dawe wook *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that 
Which might *cuddles you* appaw the deviw. 
WADY MACBETH. O pwopew stuff! 
This is the vewy painting of youw feaw; 
This is the aiw-dwawn daggew which you s-said 
L-Wed you to Duncan. O, these fwaws and stawts, 
I-Impostows to twue feaw, ^.^ wouwd weww become 
A woman's *leans over* stowy at a *shuffles closer* wintew's fiwe, 
Authowized ^w^ by h-hew gwandam. Shame itsewf! 
Why do you make such faces? When aww's donye, 
Y-You wook xDD but *teleports behind you* on a ^.^ stoow. 
MACBETH. Pwithee, see thewe! *screams* Behowd! Wook! Wo! H-How say you? 
W-Why, w-what OwO cawe I? If thou ;;w;; canst nyod, speak too. 
If chawnyew houses and o-ouw gwaves must send 
Those *sweats* that we buwy back, o-ouw monyuments 
Shaww be the maws of kites. Exit Ghost. 
WADY MACBETH. What, q-quite unmann'd in fowwy? 
MACBETH. If I *looks at you* stand hewe, I *moans* saw him. 
WADY MACBETH. Fie, fow ^-^ shame! 
MACBETH. Bwood hath been shed ewe nyow, i-i' the owden time, 
Ewe humanye statute puwged the g-gentwe weaw; 
:33 Ay, and s-since too, muwthews have been pewfowm'd 
Too x3 tewwibwe fow the eaw. The time has been, 
That, when the xDD bwains wewe *pokes you* out, the man ^.^ wouwd die, 
And thewe an *teleports behind you* end; xDD but n-nyow they wise again, 
With twenty mowtaw muwthews *teleports behind you* on t-theiw *moans* cwowns, 
And OwO push us fwom o-ouw stoows. This is mowe stwange 
*notices bulge* Than such a muwthew is. 
WADY MACBETH. My wowthy wowd, 
Youw nyobwe fwiends do wack you. 
MACBETH. I do *cuddles you* fowget. 
Do nyot muse at me, my most wowthy xDD fwiends. 
I have a stwange i-infiwmity, which is nyothing 
To those *sweats* that knyow me. Come, wove and heawth to aww; 
T-Then I'ww sit :33 down. Give me *blushes* some *leans over* winye, fiww fuww. 
I ^-^ dwink to the *screams* genyewaw joy o' the whowe tabwe, 
And to o-ouw deaw fwiend Banquo, whom we :3 miss. 
Wouwd he wewe hewe! To aww and him we thiwst, 
And aww to aww. 
WOWDS. Ouw duties and the pwedge. 

We-entew Ghost. 

MACBETH. Avaunt, and *teleports behind you* quit my sight! Wet the eawth hide thee! 
Thy b-bonyes awe mawwowwess, t-thy b-bwood is c-cowd; 
*moans* Thou hast nyo specuwation in those eyes 
Which thou dost gwawe with. 
WADY MACBETH. Think of t-this, good peews, 
But as a thing of custom. 'Tis nyo othew, 
Onwy *moans* it spoiws the pweasuwe of the time. 
MACBETH. What man OwO dawe, I d-dawe. 
*cries* Appwoach thou wike the wugged Wussian *looks away* beaw, 
The awm'd whinyocewos, *blushes* ow the Hywcan tigew; 
Take any shape xDD but that, and my fiwm nyewves 
Shaww nyevew twembwe. Ow be awive again, 
And dawe me to the desewt *pokes you* with t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
If twembwing I inhabit then, pwotest me 
The baby of a giww. Hence, howwibwe shadow! 
Unweaw *looks at you* mockewy, hence! Exit Ghost. 
W-Why, so, being :3 gonye, 
I am a man again. *twerks* Pway you sit stiww. 
WADY MACBETH. Y-You have dispwaced the miwth, b-bwoke the good meeting, 
With most :3 admiwed disowdew. 
MACBETH. C-Can such things be, 
And ovewcome us wike a summew's c-cwoud, 
Without o-ouw speciaw wondew? Y-You make me stwange 
Even to the disposition *sweats* that I owe 
When n-nyow I think you can behowd such uWu sights 
And keep the n-nyatuwaw r-wuby of youw cheeks 
When minye is bwanch'd *pokes you* with *pokes you* feaw. 
WOSS. What sights, my wowd? 
WADY MACBETH. I pway y-you, speak nyot; he gwows wowse and w-wowse; 
*pokes you* Question ^w^ enwages him. At o-once, good nyight. 
Stand nyot upon the owdew of youw ^w^ going, 
But go at once. 
WENNyOX. Good nyight, and bettew heawth 
Attend his Majesty! 
WADY MACBETH. A k-kind good nyight to a-aww! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Macbeth and L-Wady Macbeth. 
MACBETH. wiww have bwood; they say b-bwood wiww have bwood. 
Stonyes have been *teleports behind you* knyown to move and twees to speak; 
Auguwes and u-undewstood wewations have 
By maggot pies and choughs and r-wooks >w< bwought f-fowth 
The secwet'st man of bwood. What is the nyight? 
WADY MACBETH. A-Awmost at odds *pokes you* with *teleports behind you* mownying, which is *screams* which. 
MACBETH. H-How say'st thou, *sweats* that M-Macduff *notices bulge* denyies his pewson 
At o-ouw gweat bidding? 
WADY MACBETH. *sweats* Did you send to him, s-siw? 
MACBETH. I heaw *moans* it ^w^ by the way, xDD but I wiww s-send. 
>_> Thewe's nyot a onye of them xDD but in his h-house 
I keep a sewvant uWu feed. I wiww tomowwow, 
And *looks away* betimes I wiww, to the weiwd sistews. 
Mowe shaww they speak; fow n-nyow I am bent to knyow, 
By the *sweats* wowst UwU means, the wowst. F-Fow minye own good 
Aww c-causes shaww give way. I am in b-bwood 
*moans* Stepp'd in so faw that, shouwd I wade nyo mowe, 
R-Wetuwnying wewe as tedious as go o'ew. 
*teleports behind you* Stwange things I have in *sweats* head *sweats* that wiww to hand, 
Which must be acted ewe they may be scann'd. 
WADY MACBETH. Y-You wack the season of aww nyatuwes, s-sweep. 
MACBETH. Come, we'ww to s-sweep. My stwange and sewf-abuse 
*looks at you* Is the inyitiate feaw *sweats* that wants hawd use. 
We awe yet xDD but young in deed. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
A heath. uWu Thundew. 

Entew the thwee Witches, meeting Hecate. 

FIWST WITCH. W-Why, how nyow, *cuddles you* Hecate? Y-You wook angewwy. 
HECATE. Have I nyot weason, bewdams as you awe, 
Saucy and o-ovewbowd? H-How did you dawe 
To twade and twaffic *pokes you* with Macbeth 
In widdwes and affaiws of death, 
And I, the *notices bulge* mistwess of youw chawms, 
The cwose c-contwivew of aww hawms, 
*hugs tightly* Was nyevew c-caww'd to beaw my pawt, 
Ow show the gwowy of o-ouw awt? 
And, which is w-wowse, aww you have donye 
Hath been xDD but fow a waywawd son, 
*shuffles closer* Spitefuw and wwathfuw, who, as o-othews do, 
:3 Woves fow his own ends, nyot fow you. 
But make amends nyow. Get you :3 gonye, 
And at the pit of Achewon 
Meet me i-i' the *pokes you* mownying. Thithew he 
Wiww come to knyow his destiny. 
Youw uWu vessews and youw *shuffles closer* spewws *looks at you* pwovide, 
Youw chawms and evewything beside. 
I am fow the aiw; this nyight I'ww spend 
Unto a dismaw and a fataw end. 
G-Gweat businyess must be wwought ewe nyoon: 
^-^ Upon the cownyew of the moon 
*cries* Thewe >_> hangs a vapowous dwop pwofound; 
I'ww c-catch *moans* it ewe *moans* it come to gwound. 
And *sweats* that distiww'd ^w^ by magic sweights 
Shaww waise such awtificiaw spwites 
As ^w^ by the stwength of t-theiw iwwusion 
Shaww dwaw him *teleports behind you* on to his confusion. 
He shaww spuwn fate, s-scown death, and beaw 
His hopes 'bove wisdom, gwace, and *pokes you* feaw. 
And you aww knyow ^-^ secuwity 
*looks at you* Is mowtaws' chiefest enyemy. 
Music and a song within, 
"-"Come away, come away." 
Hawk! I am caww'd; my wittwe spiwit, see, 
*cries* Sits in a foggy cwoud and stays fow me. *sweats* Exit. 
FIWST WITCH. Come, wet's make haste; *hugs tightly* she'ww soon be back again. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE VI. 
uWu Fowwes. The pawace. 

Entew L-Wennyox and anyothew Wowd. 

WENNyOX. My f-fowmew speeches have xDD but hit youw thoughts, 
Which can i-intewpwet f-fawthew; onwy I say 
Thing's have been s-stwangewy *notices bulge* bownye. The g-gwacious Duncan 
*hugs tightly* Was pitied of xDD Macbeth; m-mawwy, he was dead. 
And the wight vawiant Banquo wawk'd too wate, 
Whom, you may say, if't pwease y-you, Fweance kiww'd, 
F-Fow Fweance fwed. Men must nyot wawk too wate. 
Who cannyot want the thought, how monstwous 
It was fow Mawcowm and fow Donyawbain 
To kiww t-theiw g-gwacious fathew? Damnyed fact! 
H-How *moans* it did gwieve Macbeth! *sweats* Did he nyot ;;w;; stwaight, 
In pious wage, the xDD two dewinquents teaw 
*teleports behind you* That wewe the swaves of ^-^ dwink and thwawws of *shuffles closer* sweep? 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot *sweats* that nyobwy donye? :33 Ay, and wisewy too, 
F-Fow 'twouwd have angew'd any heawt awive 
To heaw the men deny't. So that, I say, 
He has bownye aww things weww; and I do think 
That, h-had he Duncan's sons undew his key- 
As, an't pwease heaven, he shaww nyot -they shouwd find 
What 'twewe to kiww a f-fathew; so shouwd *hugs tightly* Fweance. 
But, peace! F-Fow fwom b-bwoad wowds, and >w< 'cause he faiw'd 
His :33 pwesence at the tywant's feast, I heaw, 
M-Macduff wives in disgwace. Siw, can you teww 
Whewe he b-bestows himsewf? 
WOWD. The son of Duncan, 
Fwom whom this tywant howds the due of biwth, 
L-Wives in the Engwish couwt and is r-weceived 
Of the most pious Edwawd *pokes you* with such gwace 
*teleports behind you* That the mawevowence of fowtunye nyothing 
Takes fwom his ^.^ high wespect. Thithew M-Macduff 
*looks at you* Is g-gonye to pway the howy King, upon his aid 
To wake Nyowthumbewwand and wawwike Siwawd; 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by the hewp of these, *pokes you* with Him a-above 
To watify the wowk, we may ;;w;; again 
Give to o-ouw tabwes meat, sweep to o-ouw nyights, 
Fwee fwom o-ouw feasts and banquets bwoody knyives, 
Do >_> faithfuw homage, and weceive fwee honyows- 
Aww which we p-pinye fow nyow. And this wepowt 
Hath so exaspewate the King *sweats* that he 
*moans* Pwepawes fow *blushes* some attempt of waw. 
WENNyOX. *pokes you* Sent he to Macduff? 
WOWD. He did, and *pokes you* with an absowute "Siw, nyot I," 
The cwoudy m-messengew tuwns me his back, 
And hums, as w-who shouwd say, *pokes you* "You'ww wue the time 
*teleports behind you* That cwogs me *pokes you* with this answew." 
WENNyOX. And *sweats* that weww might 
Advise him to a caution, to howd w-what distance 
His wisdom can pwovide. Some howy a-angew 
Fwy to the couwt of Engwand and u-unfowd 
His message ewe he come, *sweats* that a swift bwessing 
May soon r-wetuwn to this o-ouw suffewing *looks at you* countwy 
Undew a h-hand accuwsed! 
WOWD. I'ww send my pwayews *pokes you* with him. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
A cavewn. In the ^w^ middwe, a boiwing cauwdwon. uWu Thundew. 

Entew the thwee Witches. 
FIWST WITCH. Thwice the bwinded ;;w;; cat hath mew'd. 
SECOND WITCH. Thwice and once the hedge-pig w-whinyed. 
T-THIWD WITCH. Hawpiew cwies, "-"'Tis time, 'tis time." 
FIWST WITCH. Wound a-about the cauwdwon go; 
In the p-poison'd entwaiws thwow. 
uWu Toad, *sweats* that undew cowd stonye 
Days and nyights has :3 thiwty-onye 
Swewtew'd venyom sweeping g-got, 
Boiw thou f-fiwst i-i' the chawmed pot. 
AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, *shuffles closer* toiw and twoubwe; 
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe. 
SECOND WITCH. Fiwwet of a fenny snyake, 
In the cauwdwon boiw and bake; 
Eye of nyewt and toe of fwog, 
Woow of bat and t-tongue of d-dog, 
Addew's f-fowk and bwind-wowm's sting, 
Wizawd's weg and h-howwet's wing, 
F-Fow a chawm of powewfuw t-twoubwe, 
Wike a heww-bwoth boiw and bubbwe. 
AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, *shuffles closer* toiw and twoubwe; 
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe. 
T-THIWD WITCH. S-Scawe of *sighs* dwagon, t-tooth of w-wowf, 
Witch's *cuddles you* mummy, maw and *blushes* guwf 
Of the UwU wavin'd sawt-sea shawk, 
Woot of hemwock digg'd i-i' the dawk, 
Wivew of bwaspheming Jew, 
Gaww of goat and swips of yew 
S-Swivew'd in the moon's ecwipse, 
Nyose of Tuwk and Tawtaw's wips, 
Fingew of b-biwth-stwangwed babe 
Ditch-dewivew'd ^w^ by a dwab, 
Make the gwuew thick and swab. 
Add theweto a tigew's chawdwon, 
F-Fow the ingwedients of o-ouw c-cawdwon. 
AWW. Doubwe, doubwe, *shuffles closer* toiw and twoubwe; 
Fiwe buwn and cauwdwon bubbwe. 
SECOND WITCH. Coow *moans* it *pokes you* with a baboon's b-bwood, 
T-Then the chawm is fiwm and good. 

Entew H-Hecate to the othew thwee Witches. 

HECATE. O, weww donye! I commend youw pains, 
And evewyonye shaww shawe i-i' the gains. 
And n-nyow a-about the cauwdwon sing, 
Wike ewves and faiwies in a wing, 
Enchanting aww *sweats* that you p-put i-in. 
Music and a song, "Bwack spiwits." 
H-Hecate wetiwes. 
SECOND WITCH. By the pwicking of my thumbs, 
>_> Something wicked this way c-comes. 
Open, *leans over* wocks, 
Whoevew knyocks! 

Entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. H-How nyow, you secwet, bwack, and midnyight x3 hags? 
What is't you do? 
AWW. A deed without a nyame. 
MACBETH. I conjuwe y-you, ^w^ by *sweats* that which you pwofess 
(Howeew you come to knyow it) *sighs* answew me: 
Though you untie the w-winds and wet them fight 
Against the c-chuwches, *sighs* though the y-yesty waves 
C-Confound and swawwow nyavigation up, 
Though bwaded cown be wodged and twees bwown *giggles shyly* down, 
Though castwes toppwe *teleports behind you* on t-theiw wawdews' :3 heads, 
Though pawaces and pywamids do swope 
T-Theiw :33 heads to t-theiw foundations, *sighs* though the tweasuwe 
Of nyatuwe's gewmainyes tumbwe aww togethew 
Even tiww destwuction *leans over* sicken, *sighs* answew me 
To w-what I ask you. 
FIWST WITCH. Speak. 
SECOND WITCH. Demand. 
T-THIWD WITCH. We'ww answew. 
FIWST WITCH. Say, if thou'dst wathew heaw *moans* it fwom o-ouw mouths, 
Ow fwom o-ouw mastews'? 
MACBETH. Caww 'em, wet me see 'em. 
FIWST WITCH. Pouw in sow's b-bwood *sweats* that hath eaten 
Hew nyinye fawwow; gwease that's sweaten 
Fwom the muwthewew's gibbet thwow 
Into the fwame. 
AWW. Come, ^.^ high *blushes* ow l-wow; 
T-Thysewf and office deftwy show! 

uWu Thundew. Fiwst Appawition: an awmed Head. 

MACBETH. Teww me, thou unknyown powew- 
FIWST WITCH. He *looks away* knyows t-thy thought: 
Heaw his speech, xDD but say thou nyought. 
FIWST APPAWITION. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! Bewawe uWu Macduff, 
Bewawe the Thanye of Fife. Dismiss me. Enyough. 
:3 Descends. 
MACBETH. Whate'ew thou awt, fow t-thy good caution, thanks; 
*moans* Thou hast hawp'd my feaw awight. But onye wowd mowe- 
FIWST WITCH. He wiww nyot be *cries* commanded. H-Hewe's anyothew, 
Mowe potent than the fiwst. 

uWu Thundew. Second Appawition: a bwoody *looks away* Chiwd. 

SECOND APPAWITION. Macbeth! Macbeth! Macbeth! 
MACBETH. Had I thwee :3 eaws, I'd heaw thee. 
SECOND APPAWITION. Be bwoody, b-bowd, and uWu wesowute: *looks at you* waugh to s-scown 
The *cries* powew of m-man, fow nyonye of woman bown 
Shaww hawm Macbeth. :3 Descends. 
MACBETH. T-Then *teleports behind you* wive, M-Macduff. What nyeed I feaw of *moans* thee? 
But yet I'ww make *sweats* assuwance doubwe suwe, 
And take a bond of fate: thou shawt nyot *teleports behind you* wive, 
*teleports behind you* That I may teww pawe-heawted feaw *moans* it wies, 
And sweep in ^w^ spite of thundew. 

uWu Thundew. ^.^ Thiwd Appawition: a Chiwd cwownyed, 
*pokes you* with a twee in his hand. 

What is t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That wises wike the issue of a king, 
And weaws upon his baby b-bwow the wound 
And t-top of soveweignty? 
AWW. Wisten, xDD but speak nyot to't. 
T-THIWD APPAWITION. Be wion-mettwed, pwoud, and take nyo OwO cawe 
Who chafes, w-who fwets, *blushes* ow whewe conspiwews awe. 
Macbeth shaww nyevew vanquish'd be u-untiw 
G-Gweat B-Biwnyam Wood to ^.^ high *teleports behind you* Dunsinyanye *blushes* Hiww 
Shaww come against him. :3 Descends. 
MACBETH. *teleports behind you* That wiww nyevew be. 
Who can impwess the fowest, bid the twee 
Unfix his e-eawth-bound :3 woot? Sweet bodements, uWu good! 
Webewwion's head, wise nyevew tiww the Wood 
Of B-Biwnyam wise, and o-ouw high-pwaced Macbeth 
Shaww wive the wease of nyatuwe, p-pay his >_< bweath 
To time and mowtaw custom. Y-Yet my heawt 
Thwobs to knyow onye t-thing: teww me, if youw awt 
C-Can teww so *twerks* much, shaww Banquo's issue *giggles shyly* evew 
Weign in this kingdom? 
AWW. Seek to knyow nyo mowe. 
MACBETH. I wiww be satisfied! Deny me t-this, 
And an etewnyaw cuwse faww *teleports behind you* on y-you! Wet me knyow. 
Why sinks *sweats* that cauwdwon, and w-what nyoise is *sweats* this? 
Hautboys. 
FIWST WITCH. Show! 
SECOND WITCH. Show! 
THIWD. WITCH. Show! 
AWW. Show his e-eyes, and gwieve his heawt; 
Come wike shadows, so depawt! 

A show of eight Kings, the wast *pokes you* with a gwass in his hand; 
Banquo's Ghost fowwowing. 

MACBETH. *moans* Thou awe too wike the spiwit of Banquo Down! 
Thy cwown does seaw minye eyebawws. And t-thy haiw, 
*moans* Thou othew g-gowd-bound bwow, is wike the fiwst. 
A thiwd is wike the *screams* fowmew. *screams* Fiwthy hags! 
Why do you show me *sweats* this? A fouwth! *looks away* Stawt, *screams* eyes! 
What, wiww the xDD winye stwetch out to the cwack of doom? 
Anyothew yet! A seventh! I'ww see nyo mowe! 
And yet the eighth appeaws, w-who beaws a gwass 
Which shows me many *looks away* mowe; and *blushes* some I see 
*teleports behind you* That twofowd bawws and twebwe :3 sceptwes cawwy. 
>_> Howwibwe sight! >_> Nyow I see 'tis *shuffles closer* twue; 
F-Fow the bwood-bowtew'd Banquo smiwes upon me, 
And points at them fow his. What, is this *moans* so? 
FIWST WITCH. :33 Ay, siw, aww this is so. But why 
*notices bulge* Stands Macbeth t-thus amazedwy? 
Come,sistews, cheew we up his spwites, 
And show the best of o-ouw dewights. 
I'ww chawm the a-aiw to give a ;;w;; sound, 
Whiwe you pewfowm youw *pokes you* antic wound, 
*teleports behind you* That this gweat King may *blushes* kindwy say 
Ouw duties did his wewcome pay. 
Music. The Witches dance and 
then >w< vanyish *pokes you* with Hecate. 
MACBETH. awe they? Gonye? Wet this pewnyicious houw 
Stand ay accuwsed in the cawendaw! 
Come in, without thewe! 

Entew Wennyox. 

WENNyOX. What's youw G-Gwace's wiww? 
MACBETH. Saw you the weiwd s-sistews? 
WENNyOX. N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
MACBETH. *teleports behind you* Came they nyot ^w^ by you? 
WENNyOX. Nyo indeed, my l-wowd. 
MACBETH. Infected be the 'aiw wheweon they wide, 
And d-damn'd aww those *sweats* that twust them! I did heaw 
The gawwoping of howse. Who wast came b-by? 
WENNyOX. 'Tis xDD two *blushes* ow thwee, my wowd, *sweats* that b-bwing you wowd 
M-Macduff is OwO fwed to Engwand. 
MACBETH. Fwed to Engwand? 
WENNyOX. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
MACBETH. [-[Aside.] Time, thou anticipatest my xDD dwead *blushes* expwoits. 
The f-fwighty puwpose nyevew is o'ewtook 
*leans over* Unwess the deed go *pokes you* with it. Fwom this moment 
The vewy fiwstwings of my heawt shaww be 
The fiwstwings of my hand. And even nyow, 
To cwown my *hugs tightly* thoughts *pokes you* with acts, be *moans* it thought and d-donye: 
The castwe of M-Macduff I wiww suwpwise, 
Seize upon Fife, give to the edge o' the swowd 
His wife, his babes, and aww unfowtunyate s-souws 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* twace him in his winye. Nyo boasting wike a foow; 
This deed I'ww do befowe this puwpose coow. 
But nyo mowe sights! -Whewe awe these gentwemen? 
Come, b-bwing me whewe they awe. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Fife. Macduff's castwe. 

Entew L-Wady uWu Macduff, h-hew Son, and Woss. 

WADY MACDUFF. What h-had he donye, to make him f-fwy the *notices bulge* wand? 
WOSS. Y-You must have patience, madam. 
WADY MACDUFF. He h-had nyonye; 
His fwight was madnyess. When o-ouw a-actions do nyot, 
Ouw feaws do make us twaitows. 
WOSS. Y-You knyow nyot 
Whethew *moans* it was his wisdom *blushes* ow his *pokes you* feaw. 
WADY MACDUFF. Wisdom? To weave his wife, to weave his babes, 
His mansion, and his t-titwes, in a pwace 
Fwom whence himsewf does fwy? He woves us nyot; 
He wants the n-nyatuwaw OwO touch; fow the poow w-wwen, 
The most d-diminyutive of biwds, wiww fight, 
Hew young onyes in h-hew nyest, against the oww. 
Aww is the feaw and nyothing is the wove; 
As wittwe is the wisdom, whewe the fwight 
So wuns against aww r-weason. 
WOSS. My deawest coz, 
I pway y-you, schoow youwsewf. But fow youw husband, 
He is *looks at you* nyobwe, wise, Judicious, and best *looks away* knyows 
The fits o' the season. I dawe nyot speak much f-fuwthew; 
But *sighs* cwuew awe the times when we awe t-twaitows 
And do nyot knyow ouwsewves; when we howd wumow 
Fwom w-what we feaw, yet knyow nyot w-what we feaw, 
But fwoat upon a w-wiwd and viowent *notices bulge* sea 
Each way and move. I take my weave of you; 
Shaww nyot be wong xDD but I'ww be x3 hewe again. 
Things at the *sweats* wowst wiww c-cease *blushes* ow e-ewse cwimb >_> upwawd 
To w-what they wewe befowe. My pwetty cousin, 
B-Bwessing upon y-you! 
WADY MACDUFF. Fathew'd he *screams* is, and yet he's *blushes* fathewwess. 
WOSS. I am so much a foow, shouwd I >_< stay wongew, 
It ^.^ wouwd be my *looks away* disgwace and youw discomfowt. 
I take my weave at once. *sweats* Exit. 
WADY MACDUFF. S-Siwwah, youw fathew's dead. 
And w-what wiww you do nyow? H-How wiww you wive? 
SON. As *sighs* biwds do, xDD Mothew. 
WADY MACDUFF. What, *pokes you* with w-wowms and fwies? 
SON. With w-what I get, I mean; and so do they. 
WADY MACDUFF. Poow biwd! Thou'wdst nyevew feaw the *hugs tightly* nyet n-nyow wime, 
The pitfaww n-nyow the g-gin. 
SON. Why shouwd I, Mothew? Poow *sighs* biwds they awe nyot set *shuffles closer* fow. 
My fathew is nyot dead, fow aww youw saying. 
WADY MACDUFF. Yes, he is dead. H-How wiwt thou do fow fathew? 
SON. Nyay, how wiww you do fow a h-husband? 
WADY MACDUFF. W-Why, I can b-buy me twenty at any mawket. 
SON. T-Then y-you'ww b-buy 'em to *notices bulge* seww again. 
WADY MACDUFF. *moans* Thou speak'st *pokes you* with aww t-thy wit, and yet, i-i' faith, 
With wit enyough fow thee. 
SON. *hugs tightly* Was my fathew a twaitow, Mothew? 
WADY MACDUFF. :33 Ay, *sweats* that he w-was. 
SON. What is a twaitow? 
WADY MACDUFF. Why onye *sweats* that sweaws and wies. 
SON. And be aww t-twaitows *sweats* that do *moans* so? 
WADY MACDUFF. E-Evewyonye *sweats* that does so is a twaitow and must be 
h-hanged. 
SON. And must they aww be hanged *sweats* that sweaw and wie? 
WADY MACDUFF. Evewyonye. 
SON. Who must hang them? 
WADY MACDUFF. W-Why, the honyest men. 
SON. T-Then the wiaws and sweawews awe foows, fow thewe awe wiaws and 
sweawews enyow to beat the honyest men and hang up them. 
WADY MACDUFF. Nyow, OwO God hewp ^w^ thee, poow monkey! But how wiwt thou do 
fow a fathew? 
SON. If he wewe dead, you'wd weep fow :3 him; if you ^.^ wouwd nyot, *moans* it 
wewe a good sign *sweats* that I shouwd quickwy have a nyew fathew. 
WADY MACDUFF. Poow pwattwew, how thou tawk'st! 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

MESSENGEW. *notices bulge* Bwess y-you, *looks at you* faiw dame! I am nyot to you knyown, 
Though in youw state of h-honyow I am pewfect. 
I d-doubt *blushes* some d-dangew does appwoach you nyeawwy. 
If you wiww take a homewy man's advice, 
Be nyot ^w^ found h-hewe; hence, *pokes you* with youw wittwe onyes. 
To fwight you :3 thus, methinks I am too savage; 
To do wowse to you wewe feww cwuewty, 
Which is too n-nyigh youw p-pewson. *pokes you* Heaven pwesewve y-you! 
I dawe abide nyo *twerks* wongew. *sweats* Exit. 
WADY MACDUFF. Whithew shouwd I fwy? 
I have donye nyo OwO hawm. But I wemembew n-nyow 
I am in this eawthwy wowwd, whewe to do hawm 
*looks at you* Is *looks away* often *cries* waudabwe, to do good sometime 
Accounted d-dangewous *sighs* fowwy. Why then, awas, 
Do I p-put up *sweats* that w-womanwy >w< defense, 
To say I have donye nyo hawm -What awe these faces? 

Entew M-Muwthewews. 

FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. Whewe is youw h-husband? 
WADY MACDUFF. I hope, in nyo pwace so unsanctified 
Whewe such as thou m-mayst find him. 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. He's a *leans over* twaitow. 
SON. *moans* Thou wiest, thou shag-eaw'd viwwain! 
FIWST *sighs* MUWTHEWEW. What, you egg! 
Stabs him. 
Young fwy of tweachewy! 
SON. He has kiww'd me, xDD Mothew. 
Wun away, I pway y-you! Dies. 
Exit L-Wady uWu Macduff, cwying "Muwthew!" 
UwU Exeunt Muwthewews, fowwowing hew. 




SCENyE III. 
Engwand. B-Befowe the K-King's pawace. 

Entew Mawcowm and M-Macduff. 

MAWCOWM. Wet us seek out *blushes* some ;;w;; desowate shade and thewe 
Weep o-ouw sad bosoms empty. 
MACDUFF. Wet us wathew 
H-Howd *looks away* fast the mowtaw swowd, and wike good men 
B-Bestwide o-ouw downfaww'n biwthdom. Each nyew m-mown 
Nyew widows howw, nyew owphans cwy, nyew sowwows 
Stwike heaven *teleports behind you* on the face, *sweats* that *moans* it >_> wesounds 
As if *moans* it fewt *pokes you* with Scotwand and yeww'd out 
Wike s-sywwabwe of dowow. 
MAWCOWM. What I bewieve, I'ww waww; 
What knyow, bewieve; and w-what I can wedwess, 
As I shaww find the time to f-fwiend, I wiww. 
What you have spoke, *moans* it may be so *cries* pewchance. 
This tywant, :33 whose sowe nyame *sweats* bwistews o-ouw t-tongues, 
*hugs tightly* Was once thought :3 honyest. Y-You have woved him weww; 
He hath nyot t-touch'd you yet. I am young, xDD but s-something 
Y-You may desewve of him uWu thwough me, and wisdom 
To *teleports behind you* offew up a weak, poow, *blushes* innyocent wamb 
To appease an *cries* angwy god. 
MACDUFF. I am nyot tweachewous. 
MAWCOWM. But Macbeth is. 
A good and viwtuous nyatuwe may wecoiw 
In an impewiaw chawge. But I shaww c-cwave youw pawdon; 
*teleports behind you* That which you awe, my *hugs tightly* thoughts cannyot twanspose. 
*pokes you* Angews awe bwight stiww, *sighs* though the b-bwightest feww. 
Though aww things f-fouw ^.^ wouwd weaw the bwows of gwace, 
Y-Yet gwace must stiww wook so. 
MACDUFF. I have wost my h-hopes. 
MAWCOWM. Pewchance even thewe whewe I did find my doubts. 
Why in *sweats* that wawnyess >w< weft you wife and chiwd, 
Those p-pwecious motives, those stwong k-knyots of wove, 
Without weave-taking? I pway y-you, 
Wet nyot my jeawousies be youw *twerks* dishonyows, 
But minye own safeties. Y-You may be wightwy just, 
Whatevew I shaww think. 
MACDUFF. Bweed, bweed, poow *shuffles closer* countwy! 
G-Gweat tywanny, *looks at you* way thou t-thy *cries* basis suwe, 
F-Fow goodnyess dawe nyot check thee. *screams* Weaw thou t-thy wwongs; 
The titwe is affeew'd. Fawe thee weww, l-wowd. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot be the viwwain *sweats* that thou think'st 
F-Fow the whowe space that's in the tywant's gwasp 
And the wich E-East to :33 boot. 
MAWCOWM. Be nyot offended; 
I speak nyot as in absowute feaw of you. 
I think o-ouw *looks at you* countwy sinks benyeath the y-yoke; 
It weeps, *moans* it b-bweeds, and each nyew day a gash 
*looks at you* Is x3 added to h-hew w-wounds. I think *shuffles closer* withaw 
*cries* Thewe ^.^ wouwd be h-hands upwifted in my wight; 
And x3 hewe fwom g-gwacious Engwand have I *teleports behind you* offew 
Of g-goodwy thousands. But fow aww t-this, 
When I shaww twead upon the tywant's head, 
Ow weaw *moans* it *teleports behind you* on my swowd, yet my poow *looks at you* countwy 
Shaww have mowe vices than *moans* it h-had befowe, 
Mowe suffew and mowe sundwy ways than *looks away* evew, 
By him *sweats* that shaww succeed. 
MACDUFF. What shouwd he b-be? 
MAWCOWM. It is m-mysewf I mean, in whom I knyow 
Aww the *cries* pawticuwaws of vice so gwafted 
That, when they shaww be *sighs* open'd, bwack Macbeth 
Wiww seem as puwe as snyow, and the poow state 
Esteem him as a wamb, being c-compawed 
With my confinyewess hawms. 
MACDUFF. Nyot in the l-wegions 
Of howwid heww can come a deviw mowe d-damn'd 
In ^w^ eviws to t-top Macbeth. 
MAWCOWM. I gwant him bwoody, 
Wuxuwious, avawicious, fawse, deceitfuw, 
Sudden, mawicious, smacking of evewy sin 
*teleports behind you* That has a nyame. But thewe's nyo bottom, nyonye, 
In my vowuptuousnyess. Youw :33 wives, youw daughtews, 
Youw matwons, and youw *cuddles you* maids couwd nyot fiww up 
The *teleports behind you* cestewn of my wust, and my desiwe 
Aww continyent impediments ^.^ wouwd o'ewbeaw 
*teleports behind you* That did o-oppose my wiww. Bettew Macbeth 
*notices bulge* Than such an onye to r-weign. 
MACDUFF. Boundwess intempewance 
In nyatuwe is a tywanny; *moans* it hath been 
The *leans over* untimewy emptying of the happy thwonye, 
And faww of many kings. But feaw nyot yet 
To take upon you w-what is youws. Y-You may 
Convey youw pweasuwes in a spacious pwenty 
And yet seem cowd, the time you may so *moans* hoodwink. 
We have wiwwing dames enyough; thewe cannyot be 
*teleports behind you* That vuwtuwe in you to devouw so many 
As wiww to *notices bulge* gweatnyess d-dedicate themsewves, 
Finding *moans* it so incwinyed. 
MAWCOWM. With this thewe gwows 
In my most iww-composed affection such 
A stanchwess avawice that, wewe I King, 
I shouwd cut off the ^w^ nyobwes fow t-theiw wands, 
Desiwe his jewews and this othew's *notices bulge* house, 
And my mowe-having ^.^ wouwd be as a sauce 
To make me x3 hungew mowe, *sweats* that I shouwd fowge 
Quawwews unjust against the good and woyaw, 
Destwoying them fow weawth. 
MACDUFF. This avawice 
*looks at you* Sticks deepew, gwows *pokes you* with mowe pewnyicious UwU woot 
*notices bulge* Than summew-seeming wust, and *moans* it hath been 
The swowd of o-ouw s-swain kings. Y-Yet do nyot feaw; 
Scotwand hath foisons to fiww up youw wiww 
Of youw mewe own. Aww these awe ;;w;; powtabwe, 
With othew *teleports behind you* gwaces weigh'd. 
MAWCOWM. But I have >_< nyonye. The king-becoming gwaces, 
As j-justice, v-vewity, tempewance, stabwenyess, 
B-Bounty, pewsevewance, :3 mewcy, wowwinyess, 
Devotion, patience, couwage, fowtitude, 
I have nyo wewish of them, xDD but abound 
In the division of each sevewaw cwime, 
Acting *moans* it many w-ways. Nyay, h-had I powew, I shouwd 
Pouw the sweet miwk of concowd into heww, 
UwU Upwoaw the unyivewsaw peace, confound 
Aww unyity *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
MACDUFF. O S-Scotwand, Scotwand! 
MAWCOWM. If such a onye be fit to g-govewn, speak. 
I am as I have spoken. 
MACDUFF. Fit to *sighs* govewn? 
N-Nyo, nyot to l-wive. O n-nyation m-misewabwe! 
With an untitwed tywant bwoody-sceptew'd, 
When shawt thou see t-thy whowesome days again, 
Since *sweats* that the twuest issue of t-thy thwonye 
By his own intewdiction stands accuwsed 
And does b-bwaspheme his bweed? Thy woyaw fathew 
*hugs tightly* Was a most sainted king; the queen *sweats* that xDD bowe ^w^ thee, 
Oftenyew upon h-hew knyees than *teleports behind you* on h-hew *hugs tightly* feet, 
^.^ Died evewy day she l-wived. Fawe thee weww! 
These ^w^ eviws thou wepeat'st upon thysewf 
Have banyish'd me fwom Scotwand. O my bweast, 
Thy hope e-ends hewe! 
MAWCOWM. uWu Macduff, this nyobwe passion, 
Chiwd of :33 integwity, hath fwom my souw 
Wiped the bwack scwupwes, UwU weconciwed my *hugs tightly* thoughts 
To t-thy good uWu twuth and honyow. Deviwish Macbeth 
By many of these twains hath sought to win me 
Into his powew, and modest wisdom pwucks me 
Fwom ovew-cweduwous haste. But OwO God a-above 
Deaw between thee and me! F-Fow even n-nyow 
I p-put m-mysewf to t-thy diwection and 
Unspeak minye own detwaction; x3 hewe abjuwe 
The taints and bwames I waid upon *twerks* mysewf, 
F-Fow stwangews to my nyatuwe. I am yet 
Unknyown to woman, nyevew was fowswown, 
Scawcewy have coveted w-what was minye o-own, 
At nyo time b-bwoke my faith, ^.^ wouwd nyot betway 
The deviw to his fewwow, and dewight 
Nyo wess in uWu twuth than wife. My f-fiwst f-fawse speaking 
*hugs tightly* Was this upon mysewf. What I am twuwy 
*looks at you* Is thinye and my poow countwy's to *sweats* command. 
Whithew indeed, befowe t-thy h-hewe-appwoach, 
O-Owd Siwawd, *pokes you* with ten thousand wawwike men 
Awweady at a point, was >_> setting fowth. 
>_> Nyow we'ww togethew, and the chance of goodnyess 
Be wike o-ouw wawwanted quawwew! Why awe you s-siwent? 
MACDUFF. *screams* Such wewcome and unwewcome things at once 
'Tis hawd to weconciwe. 

Entew a Doctow. 

MAWCOWM. *sighs* Weww, mowe anyon. Comes the King fowth, I pway you? 
DOCTOW. :33 Ay, siw, thewe awe a cwew of wwetched s-souws 
*teleports behind you* That >_< stay his *sweats* cuwe. T-Theiw mawady convinces 
The gweat assay of awt, xDD but at his *sighs* touch, 
*screams* Such sanctity hath heaven given his hand, 
They p-pwesentwy amend. 
MAWCOWM. I t-thank y-you, Doctow. Exit Doctow. 
MACDUFF. What's the disease he means? 
MAWCOWM. 'Tis c-caww'd the e-eviw: 
A most miwacuwous wowk in this good King, 
Which o-often, s-since my *screams* hewe-wemain in Engwand, 
I have :33 seen him do. H-How he sowicits heaven, 
Himsewf best knyows; xDD but stwangewy-visited peopwe, 
Aww swow'n and uwcewous, pitifuw to the eye, 
The mewe >_< despaiw of *cuddles you* suwgewy, he cuwes, 
Hanging a gowden stamp a-about t-theiw nyecks 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with howy pwayews; and 'tis spoken, 
To the succeeding woyawty he weaves 
The h-heawing benyediction. With this stwange *hugs tightly* viwtue 
He hath a heavenwy gift of pwophecy, 
And sundwy bwessings hang a-about his thwonye 
*teleports behind you* That speak him fuww of g-gwace. 

Entew Woss. 

MACDUFF. See, w-who c-comes hewe? 
MAWCOWM. My c-countwyman, xDD but yet I knyow him nyot. 
MACDUFF. My *giggles shyly* evew g-gentwe cousin, wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
MAWCOWM. I knyow him nyow. Good >_< God, *looks away* betimes wemove 
The means *sweats* that makes us stwangews! 
WOSS. Siw, amen. 
MACDUFF. *notices bulge* Stands Scotwand whewe *moans* it did? 
WOSS. A-Awas, poow countwy, 
A-Awmost afwaid to knyow itsewf! It cannyot 
Be c-caww'd o-ouw m-mothew, xDD but o-ouw gwave. Whewe nyothing, 
But w-who *looks away* knyows nyothing, is once :33 seen to smiwe; 
Whewe sighs and gwoans and s-shwieks *sweats* that wend the aiw, 
Awe made, nyot mawk'd; whewe viowent sowwow seems 
A modewn e-ecstasy. The dead man's knyeww 
*looks at you* Is thewe x3 scawce ask'd fow who, and good men's wives 
*blushes* Expiwe befowe the fwowews in t-theiw caps, 
Dying *blushes* ow ewe they sicken. 
MACDUFF. O, wewation 
Too n-nyice, and yet too *notices bulge* twue! 
MAWCOWM. What's the nyewest gwief? 
WOSS. *teleports behind you* That of an houw's age doth :3 hiss the *cuddles you* speakew; 
Each minyute *leans over* teems a nyew onye. 
MACDUFF. H-How does my wife? 
WOSS. W-Why, weww. 
MACDUFF. And aww my chiwdwen? 
WOSS. Weww too. 
MACDUFF. The tywant has nyot battew'd at t-theiw peace? 
WOSS. N-Nyo, they wewe weww at peace when I did weave 'em. 
MACDUFF. Be nyot a nyiggawd of youw *looks at you* speech. H-How goest? 
WOSS. When I came hithew to t-twanspowt the tidings, 
Which I have heaviwy b-bownye, thewe wan a wumow 
Of many wowthy f-fewwows *sweats* that wewe *pokes you* out, 
Which was to my bewief ^-^ witnyess'd the wathew, 
F-Fow *sweats* that I *moans* saw the tywant's *cries* powew afoot. 
>_> Nyow is the time of h-hewp; youw eye in Scotwand 
Wouwd c-cweate sowdiews, make o-ouw women fight, 
To doff t-theiw diwe distwesses. 
MAWCOWM. ;;w;; Be't t-theiw comfowt 
We awe coming thithew. *notices bulge* Gwacious Engwand hath 
Went us good Siwawd and ten thousand men; 
*looks at you* An owdew and a bettew sowdiew nyonye 
*teleports behind you* That Chwistendom gives ^w^ out. 
WOSS. Wouwd I couwd *sighs* answew 
This comfowt *pokes you* with the wike! But I have wowds 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd be howw'd out in the desewt aiw, 
Whewe heawing shouwd nyot watch them. 
MACDUFF. What c-concewn they? 
The *screams* genyewaw cause? Ow is *moans* it a fee-gwief 
Due to *blushes* some s-singwe b-bweast? 
WOSS. Nyo mind that's honyest 
But in *moans* it shawes *blushes* some woe, *sighs* though the *cries* main *cries* pawt 
*blushes* Pewtains to you awonye. 
MACDUFF. If *moans* it be minye, 
Keep *moans* it nyot fwom me, quickwy wet me have it. 
WOSS. Wet nyot youw eaws d-despise my t-tongue fowevew, 
Which shaww possess them *pokes you* with the heaviest s-sound 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew yet they heawd. 
MACDUFF. *cuddles you* Humh! I g-guess at it. 
WOSS. Youw castwe is suwpwised; youw wife and babes 
^w^ Savagewy swaughtew'd. To wewate the mannyew 
Wewe, *teleports behind you* on the quawwy of these muwthew'd deew, 
To add the death of you. 
MAWCOWM. M-Mewcifuw heaven! 
What, man! Nyeew puww youw hat upon youw bwows; 
Give sowwow wowds. The g-gwief *sweats* that does nyot speak 
Whispews the *notices bulge* o'ewfwaught h-heawt, and b-bids *moans* it bweak. 
MACDUFF. My chiwdwen too? 
WOSS. Wife, *screams* chiwdwen, sewvants, aww 
*teleports behind you* That couwd be found. 
MACDUFF. And I must be fwom thence! 
My wife kiww'd too? 
WOSS. I have said. 
MAWCOWM. Be comfowted. 
Wet's make us medicinyes of o-ouw gweat uWu wevenge, 
To *notices bulge* cuwe this >_< deadwy gwief. 
MACDUFF. He has nyo chiwdwen. Aww my pwetty onyes? 
*sweats* Did you say aww? O h-heww-kite! Aww? 
What, aww my pwetty c-chickens and t-theiw dam 
At onye feww swoop? 
MAWCOWM. Dispute *moans* it wike a *pokes you* man. 
MACDUFF. I shaww do so, 
But I must awso f-feew *moans* it as a *pokes you* man. 
I cannyot xDD but wemembew such things wewe 
*teleports behind you* That wewe most p-pwecious to me. *sweats* Did heaven wook on, 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot take t-theiw pawt? Sinfuw uWu Macduff, 
They wewe aww stwuck fow thee! N-Nyaught *sweats* that I am, 
Nyot fow t-theiw own demewits, xDD but fow minye, 
xDD Feww swaughtew *teleports behind you* on t-theiw souws. *pokes you* Heaven west them nyow! 
MAWCOWM. Be this the whetstonye of youw *shuffles closer* swowd. Wet g-gwief 
Convewt to UwU angew; bwunt nyot the h-heawt, *leans over* enwage it. 
MACDUFF. O, I couwd pway the woman *pokes you* with minye eyes 
And bwaggawt *pokes you* with my tongue! But, g-gentwe *hugs tightly* heavens, 
Cut showt aww i-intewmission; fwont to fwont 
Bwing thou this fiend of Scotwand and mysewf; 
Within my x3 swowd's wength set :3 him; if he '-'scape, 
*pokes you* Heaven f-fowgive him too! 
MAWCOWM. This tunye goes m-manwy. 
Come, go we to the K-King; o-ouw *cries* powew is r-weady, 
Ouw wack is nyothing xDD but o-ouw >_< weave. Macbeth 
*looks at you* Is wipe fow shaking, and the powews a-above 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on t-theiw instwuments. Weceive w-what cheew you may, 
The nyight is wong *sweats* that nyevew finds the day. *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
D-Dunsinyanye. Antewoom in the castwe. 

Entew a D-Doctow of Physic and a Waiting Gentwewoman. 

DOCTOW. I have xDD two nyights watched *pokes you* with y-you, xDD but can p-pewceive nyo 
uWu twuth in youw wepowt. When was *moans* it she wast wawked? 
GENTWEWOMAN. Since his Majesty went into the *shuffles closer* fiewd, have :33 seen h-hew 
wise fwom h-hew bed, thwow h-hew nyightgown upon hew, unwock h-hew 
cwoset, take f-fowth papew, fowd it, *looks away* wwite upon't, xDD wead it, 
aftewwawds s-seaw it, and ;;w;; again r-wetuwn to bed; yet aww this whiwe 
in a most *looks away* fast s-sweep. 
DOCTOW. A gweat pewtuwbation in nyatuwe, to weceive at once the 
b-benyefit of sweep and do the effects of watching! In this swumbewy 
agitation, besides h-hew wawking and othew actuaw >_> pewfowmances, 
what, at any time, have you h-heawd h-hew say? 
GENTWEWOMAN. That, siw, which I wiww nyot wepowt aftew hew. 
DOCTOW. Y-You may to me, and 'tis most meet you s-shouwd. 
GENTWEWOMAN. *blushes* Nyeithew to you n-nyow anyonye, having nyo witnyess to 
confiwm my *looks at you* speech. 

Entew L-Wady Macbeth *pokes you* with a *giggles shyly* tapew. 

Wo y-you, x3 hewe she comes! This is h-hew vewy guise, and, upon my 
l-wife, *looks away* fast asweep. O-Obsewve hew; *looks at you* stand *sighs* cwose. 
DOCTOW. H-How came she ^w^ by *sweats* that wight? 
GENTWEWOMAN. W-Why, *moans* it stood ^w^ by hew. She has wight ^w^ by h-hew 
continyuawwy; 'tis h-hew *sweats* command. 
DOCTOW. Y-You see, h-hew eyes awe open. 
GENTWEWOMAN. :33 Ay, xDD but t-theiw sense is shut. 
DOCTOW. What is *moans* it she does nyow? Wook how she wubs h-hew h-hands. 
GENTWEWOMAN. It is an accustomed action *pokes you* with hew, to seem t-thus 
washing h-hew h-hands. I have *teleports behind you* knyown h-hew ^w^ continyue in this a x3 quawtew of 
an houw. 
WADY MACBETH. Y-Yet hewe's a spot. 
DOCTOW. Hawk, she speaks! I wiww set down w-what c-comes fwom hew, to 
satisfy my wemembwance the mowe stwongwy. 
WADY MACBETH. Out, d-damnyed *sighs* spot! Out, I say! Onye- xDD two -why then 'tis 
time to do't. Heww is muwky. Fie, my wowd, fie! A sowdiew, and 
afeawd? What nyeed we feaw w-who *looks away* knyows it, when nyonye can *giggles shyly* caww o-ouw 
*cries* powew to account? Y-Yet w-who ^.^ wouwd have thought the owd man to have 
h-had so much b-bwood in him? 
DOCTOW. Do you mawk that? 
WADY MACBETH. The Thanye of F-Fife h-had a wife; whewe is she nyow? What, 
wiww these h-hands nyeew be c-cwean? Nyo mowe o' that, my wowd, nyo mowe 
o' that. Y-You maw aww *pokes you* with this stawting. 
DOCTOW. Go to, go uWu to; you have *teleports behind you* knyown w-what you shouwd nyot. 
GENTWEWOMAN. She has s-spoke w-what she shouwd nyot, I am suwe of that. 
*pokes you* Heaven *looks away* knyows w-what she has k-knyown. 
WADY MACBETH. H-Hewe's the smeww of the b-bwood stiww. Aww the pewfumes 
of Awabia wiww nyot sweeten this wittwe hand. Oh, *screams* oh, oh! 
DOCTOW. What a *pokes you* sigh is thewe! The heawt is sowewy chawged. 
GENTWEWOMAN. I ^.^ wouwd nyot have such a heawt in my bosom fow the 
dignyity of the whowe body. 
DOCTOW. *sighs* Weww, weww, :33 weww- 
GENTWEWOMAN. *twerks* Pway OwO God *moans* it be, siw. 
DOCTOW. This disease is beyond my p-pwactice. Y-Yet I have *teleports behind you* knyown those 
which have wawked in t-theiw sweep w-who have died *twerks* howiwy in t-theiw 
beds. 
WADY MACBETH. Wash youw uWu hands, p-put *teleports behind you* on youw n-nyightgown, wook nyot so 
*teleports behind you* pawe. I teww you yet again, Banquo's buwied; he cannyot come out 
o-on's gwave. 
DOCTOW. Even *moans* so? 
WADY MACBETH. To bed, to bed; thewe's knyocking at the g-gate. Come, 
come, come, come, give me youw hand.What's donye cannyot be UwU undonye. 
To bed, to bed, to *twerks* bed. 
*sweats* Exit. 
DOCTOW. Wiww she go n-nyow to >w< bed? 
GENTWEWOMAN. Diwectwy. 
DOCTOW. Fouw whispewings awe a-abwoad. Unnyatuwaw deeds 
Do bweed unnyatuwaw twoubwes; *twerks* infected minds 
To t-theiw d-deaf piwwows wiww dischawge t-theiw secwets. 
Mowe ;;w;; nyeeds she the d-divinye than the physician. 
>_< God, >_< God, f-fowgive us a-aww! Wook aftew hew; 
Wemove fwom h-hew the means of aww annyoyance, 
And stiww keep eyes upon hew. So good nyight. 
My mind she has mated and a-amazed my s-sight. 
I think, xDD but dawe nyot speak. 
GENTWEWOMAN. Good nyight, good doctow. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
The *looks at you* countwy nyeaw D-Dunsinyanye. Dwum and cowows. 

Entew Menteith, Caithnyess, *shuffles closer* Angus, Wennyox, and Sowdiews. 

*cuddles you* MENTEITH. The Engwish *cries* powew is nyeaw, *looks away* wed *teleports behind you* on ^w^ by Mawcowm, 
His uncwe Siwawd, and the good M-Macduff. 
Wevenges buwn in them, fow t-theiw deaw c-causes 
Wouwd to the bweeding and the g-gwim awawm 
Excite the mowtified *pokes you* man. 
ANGUS. Nyeaw B-Biwnyam Wood 
Shaww we weww meet them; *sweats* that way awe they coming. 
C-CAITHNyESS. Who *looks away* knyows if Donyawbain be *pokes you* with his b-bwothew? 
WENNyOX. F-Fow >_< cewtain, siw, he is nyot; I have a f-fiwe 
Of aww the gentwy. *cries* Thewe is ;;w;; Sewawd's son 
And many u-unwough uWu youths *sweats* that even n-nyow 
Pwotest t-theiw f-fiwst of manhood. 
*cuddles you* MENTEITH. What does the t-tywant? 
C-CAITHNyESS. G-Gweat *teleports behind you* Dunsinyanye he *shuffles closer* stwongwy fowtifies. 
Some say he's mad; *blushes* othews, *sweats* that wessew hate him, 
Do *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it vawiant fuwy; but, fow >_< cewtain, 
He cannyot buckwe his distempew'd c-cause 
Within the xDD bewt of wuwe. 
ANGUS. >_> Nyow does he f-feew 
His secwet muwthews sticking *teleports behind you* on his uWu hands, 
>_> Nyow minyutewy wevowts upbwaid his faith-bweach; 
Those he commands move onwy in command, 
Nyothing in wove. >_> Nyow does he f-feew his titwe 
Hang l-woose a-about him, wike a giant's *teleports behind you* wobe 
^-^ Upon a dwawfish thief. 
*cuddles you* MENTEITH. Who then shaww bwame 
His pestew'd senses to wecoiw and stawt, 
When aww *sweats* that is within him does condemn 
>_> Itsewf fow being thewe? 
C-CAITHNyESS. *sighs* Weww, mawch we *teleports behind you* on 
To give obedience whewe 'tis twuwy owed. 
Meet we the medicinye of the sickwy w-weaw, 
And *pokes you* with him *blushes* pouw w-we, in o-ouw countwy's puwge, 
Each dwop of us. 
WENNyOX. Ow so much as *moans* it ;;w;; nyeeds 
To dew the soveweign fwowew and *hugs tightly* dwown the weeds. 
Make we o-ouw mawch towawds ^w^ Biwnyam. UwU Exeunt mawching. 




SCENyE III. 
D-Dunsinyanye. A woom in the castwe. 

Entew Macbeth, Doctow, and Attendants. 

MACBETH. Bwing me nyo mowe wepowts; wet them f-fwy a-aww! 
Tiww B-Biwnyam Wood wemove to *teleports behind you* Dunsinyanye 
I cannyot taint *pokes you* with *pokes you* feaw. What's the *cries* boy Mawcowm? 
*hugs tightly* Was he nyot bown of woman? The spiwits *sweats* that knyow 
Aww mowtaw consequences have pwonyounced me *looks away* thus: 
"Feaw nyot, xDD Macbeth; nyo man that's bown of woman 
Shaww ^w^ e'ew have *cries* powew upon t-thee." T-Then fwy, f-fawse Thanyes, 
And *screams* mingwe *pokes you* with the Engwish epicuwes! 
The mind I *sighs* sway ^w^ by and the heawt I beaw 
Shaww nyevew sag *pokes you* with d-doubt n-nyow s-shake *pokes you* with *pokes you* feaw. 

Entew a Sewvant. 

The deviw damn thee bwack, thou cweam-faced *sweats* woon! 
Whewe got'st thou *sweats* that goose wook? 
SEWVANT. *cries* Thewe is ten thousand- 
MACBETH. Geese, v-viwwain? 
SEWVANT. Sowdiews, siw. 
MACBETH. Go pwick t-thy *cuddles you* face and ovew-wed t-thy feaw, 
*moans* Thou wiwy-wivew'd boy. What sowdiews, patch? 
Death of t-thy ^w^ souw! Those winyen cheeks of thinye 
Awe counsewows to *pokes you* feaw. What sowdiews, whey-face? 
SEWVANT. The Engwish fowce, so pwease you. 
MACBETH. Take t-thy *cuddles you* face hence. Exit Sewvant. 
Seyton-I am sick at h-heawt, 
When I behowd- Seyton, I say!- This OwO push 
Wiww cheew me *giggles shyly* evew *blushes* ow *shuffles closer* disseat me nyow. 
I have wived wong enyough. My way of wife 
*looks at you* Is faww'n into the seaw, the yewwow weaf, 
And *sweats* that which shouwd accompany owd a-age, 
As honyow, wove, *twerks* obedience, *teleports behind you* twoops of fwiends, 
I must nyot wook to have; xDD but in t-theiw stead, 
Cuwses, nyot woud xDD but deep, *moans* mouth-honyow, bweath, 
Which the poow heawt ^.^ wouwd fain deny and dawe nyot. 
Seyton! 

Entew Seyton. 

SEYTON. What's youw g-gwacious pweasuwe? 
MACBETH. What nyews *cries* mowe? 
SEYTON. Aww is confiwm'd, my wowd, which was *giggles shyly* wepowted. 
MACBETH. I'ww fight, 'tiw fwom my b-bonyes my UwU fwesh be hack'd. 
Give me my awmow. 
SEYTON. 'Tis nyot nyeeded yet. 
MACBETH. I'ww p-put *moans* it on. 
xDD Send out mowe howses, *moans* skiww the *looks at you* countwy wound, 
Hang those *sweats* that tawk of *pokes you* feaw. Give me minye awmow. 
H-How does youw patient, doctow? 
DOCTOW. Nyot so sick, my wowd, 
As she is twoubwed *pokes you* with thick-coming *cuddles you* fancies, 
*teleports behind you* That keep h-hew fwom h-hew west. 
MACBETH. Cuwe h-hew of that. 
C-Canst thou nyot minyistew to a mind *moans* diseased, 
P-Pwuck fwom the *twerks* memowy a wooted sowwow, 
*leans over* Waze out the wwitten twoubwes of the bwain, 
And *pokes you* with *blushes* some sweet obwivious antidote 
Cweanse the stuff'd bosom of *sweats* that pewiwous s-stuff 
Which weighs upon the heawt? 
DOCTOW. Thewein the patient 
M-Must minyistew to h-himsewf. 
MACBETH. Thwow physic to the dogs, I'ww nyonye of it. 
Come, p-put minye awmow on; give me my s-staff. 
Seyton, send ^w^ out. Doctow, the Thanyes f-fwy fwom me. 
Come, siw, dispatch. If thou couwdst, doctow, OwO cast 
The watew of my l-wand, find h-hew disease 
And puwge *moans* it to a s-sound and p-pwistinye heawth, 
I ^.^ wouwd appwaud thee to the vewy ^.^ echo, 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd appwaud again. P-Puww't off, I say. 
What whubawb, cyme, *blushes* ow w-what puwgative *looks away* dwug 
Wouwd scouw these Engwish h-hence? *hugs tightly* Heawst thou of them? 
DOCTOW. :33 Ay, my good wowd, youw woyaw pwepawation 
Makes us heaw something. 
MACBETH. Bwing *moans* it aftew me. 
I wiww nyot be afwaid of death and banye 
Tiww B-Biwnyam Fowest come to D-Dunsinyanye. 
DOCTOW. [-[Aside.] Wewe I fwom *teleports behind you* Dunsinyanye away and cweaw, 
^.^ Pwofit ;;w;; again shouwd hawdwy dwaw me hewe. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
Countwy nyeaw B-Biwnyam Wood. Dwum and cowows. 

Entew Mawcowm, owd Sewawd and his Son, uWu Macduff, Menteith, Caithnyess, 
*shuffles closer* Angus, Wennyox, Woss, and Sowdiews, mawching. 

MAWCOWM. Cousins, I hope the days awe nyeaw at h-hand 
*teleports behind you* That chambews wiww be safe. 
*cuddles you* MENTEITH. We d-doubt *moans* it n-nyothing. 
SIWAWD. What wood is this befowe us? 
*cuddles you* MENTEITH. The Wood of ^w^ Biwnyam. 
MAWCOWM. Wet evewy sowdiew hew him down a bough, 
And beaw't befowe :3 him; t-theweby shaww we *pokes you* shadow 
The uWu nyumbews of o-ouw host, and make discovewy 
Eww in wepowt of us. 
SOWDIEWS. It shaww be donye. 
SIWAWD. We weawn nyo othew xDD but the c-confident tywant 
Keeps stiww in *teleports behind you* Dunsinyanye and wiww e-enduwe 
Ouw >_> setting down befowe't. 
MAWCOWM. 'Tis his *cries* main hope; 
F-Fow whewe thewe is advantage to be g-given, 
^w^ Both mowe and wess have given him the wevowt, 
And nyonye sewve *pokes you* with him xDD but constwainyed things 
Whose heawts awe absent too. 
MACDUFF. Wet o-ouw *shuffles closer* just censuwes 
Attend the twue event, and p-put we *teleports behind you* on 
Industwious sowdiewship. 
SIWAWD. The time appwoaches 
*teleports behind you* That wiww *pokes you* with due decision make us knyow 
What we shaww say we have and w-what we owe. 
*cries* Thoughts :33 specuwative t-theiw unsuwe hopes wewate, 
But cewtain issue stwokes must a-awbitwate. 
Towawds which advance the waw. 
UwU Exeunt Mawching. 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
D-Dunsinyanye. Within the castwe. 

Entew Macbeth, Seyton, and Sowdiews, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowows. 

MACBETH. Hang out o-ouw bannyews *teleports behind you* on the *cuddles you* outwawd wawws; 
The cwy is stiww, "They come!" Ouw castwe's stwength 
Wiww *looks at you* waugh a siege to scown. Hewe wet them wie 
Tiww faminye and the a-ague *cries* eat them up. 
Wewe they nyot fowced *pokes you* with those *sweats* that shouwd be ouws, 
We might have m-met them dawefuw, beawd to beawd, 
And beat them backwawd home. 
A cwy of women *looks at you* within. 
What is *sweats* that nyoise? 
SEYTON. It is the cwy of women, my good l-wowd. *sweats* Exit. 
MACBETH. I have awmost fowgot the taste of feaws: 
The time has been, my senses ^.^ wouwd have ;;w;; coow'd 
To heaw a nyight-shwiek, and my feww of haiw 
Wouwd at a dismaw tweatise r-wouse and s-stiw 
As wife wewe in't. I have supp'd fuww *pokes you* with howwows; 
D-Diwenyess, f-famiwiaw to my swaughtewous thoughts, 
Cannyot once stawt me. 

We-entew Seyton. 
Whewefowe was *sweats* that c-cwy? 
SEYTON. The Queen, my wowd, is dead. 
MACBETH. She shouwd have died heweaftew; 
*cries* Thewe ^.^ wouwd have been a time fow such a wowd. 
T-Tomowwow, and tomowwow, and t-tomowwow 
Cweeps in this petty pace fwom day to day 
To the wast s-sywwabwe of wecowded time; 
And aww o-ouw yestewdays have wighted foows 
The way to dusty death. Out, *pokes you* out, bwief c-candwe! 
Wife's xDD but a wawking shadow, a poow pwayew 
*teleports behind you* That stwuts and fwets his houw upon the stage 
And then is h-heawd nyo mowe. It is a tawe 
Towd ^w^ by an i-idiot, fuww of s-sound and fuwy, 
Signyifying n-nyothing. 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

*moans* Thou comest to use t-thy tongue; t-thy *leans over* stowy quickwy. 
MESSENGEW. *notices bulge* Gwacious my wowd, 
I shouwd wepowt *sweats* that which I say I saw, 
But knyow nyot how to do it. 
MACBETH. *sighs* Weww, say, siw. 
MESSENGEW. As I did *looks at you* stand my watch upon the hiww, 
I wook'd towawd Biwnyam, and anyon, m-methought, 
The Wood began to move. 
MACBETH. Wiaw and swave! 
MESSENGEW. Wet me e-enduwe youw >_> wwath, if't be nyot so. 
Within this thwee miwe may you see *moans* it coming; 
I say, a moving gwove. 
MACBETH. If thou speak'st fawse, 
^-^ Upon the nyext twee shawt thou hang *sweats* awive, 
Tiww faminye cwing thee; if t-thy speech be sooth, 
I OwO cawe nyot if thou dost fow me as much. 
I puww in *sighs* wesowution and begin 
To d-doubt the equivocation of the fiend 
*teleports behind you* That wies wike twuth. "Feaw nyot, tiww B-Biwnyam Wood 
Do come to D-Dunsinyanye," and n-nyow a wood 
Comes towawd D-Dunsinyanye. A-Awm, awm, and *moans* out! 
If this which he avouches does appeaw, 
*cries* Thewe is n-nyow fwying hence n-nyow t-tawwying hewe. 
I '-'gin to be aweawy of the *moans* sun 
And wish the estate o' the wowwd wewe n-nyow UwU undonye. 
*looks at you* Wing the awawum beww! Bwow, wind! Come, wwack! 
At *notices bulge* weast we'ww die *pokes you* with hawnyess *teleports behind you* on o-ouw back. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE VI. 
D-Dunsinyanye. B-Befowe the castwe. 

Entew Mawcowm, owd Siwawd, uWu Macduff, and t-theiw Awmy, *pokes you* with boughs. 
Dwum and cowows. 

MAWCOWM. >_> Nyow nyeaw enyough; youw weavy scweens thwow *giggles shyly* down, 
And show wike those you awe. You, wowthy uncwe, 
Shaww *pokes you* with my cousin, youw wight nyobwe son, 
*shuffles closer* Wead o-ouw f-fiwst battwe. Wowthy M-Macduff and we 
Shaww take upon 's w-what e-ewse >_> wemains to do, 
Accowding to o-ouw owdew. 
SIWAWD. Fawe you weww. 
Do we xDD but find the tywant's *cries* powew tonyight, 
Wet us be beaten if we cannyot fight. 
MACDUFF. Make aww o-ouw *blushes* twumpets speak, give them aww bweath, 
Those cwamowous >_> hawbingews of b-bwood and death. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE VII. 
D-Dunsinyanye. B-Befowe the castwe. Awawums. 

Entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. They have tied me to a stake; I cannyot fwy, 
But beaw-wike I must fight the couwse. What's he 
*teleports behind you* That was nyot bown of woman? *screams* Such a onye 
Am I to feaw, *blushes* ow >_< nyonye. 

Entew young Siwawd. 

YOUNG SIWAWD. What is t-thy n-nyame? 
MACBETH. Thou'wt be afwaid to heaw it. 
YOUNG SIWAWD. N-Nyo, *sighs* though thou caww'st thysewf a hottew nyame 
*notices bulge* Than any is in heww. 
MACBETH. My n-nyame's Macbeth. 
YOUNG SIWAWD. The deviw himsewf couwd nyot pwonyounce a titwe 
Mowe *sweats* hatefuw to minye eaw. 
MACBETH. N-Nyo, n-nyow mowe feawfuw. 
YOUNG SIWAWD O *moans* Thou wiest, *cries* abhowwed tywant; *pokes you* with my swowd 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove the wie thou ^-^ speak'st. 
They fight, and young Sewawd is swain. 
MACBETH. *moans* Thou wast bown of woman. 
But ^w^ swowds I smiwe at, w-weapons *looks at you* waugh to scown, 
Bwandish'd ^w^ by man that's of a woman b-bown. *sweats* Exit. 

Awawums. Entew M-Macduff. 

MACDUFF. *teleports behind you* That way the nyoise is. Tywant, show t-thy f-face! 
If thou best s-swain and *pokes you* with nyo stwoke of minye, 
My wife and chiwdwen's ghosts wiww haunt me stiww. 
I cannyot stwike at wwetched kewns, :33 whose awms 
Awe hiwed to beaw t-theiw staves. Eithew thou, Macbeth, 
Ow e-ewse my swowd, *pokes you* with an unbattew'd e-edge, 
I ^-^ sheathe ;;w;; again undeeded. *cries* Thewe thou shouwdst be; 
By this gweat cwattew, onye of gweatest *pokes you* nyote 
Seems xDD bwuited. Wet me find him, *notices bulge* Fowtunye! 
And mowe I beg nyot. *sweats* Exit. Awawums. 

Entew Mawcowm and owd Siwawd. 

SIWAWD. This way, my wowd; the castwe's gentwy wendew'd. 
The tywant's peopwe *teleports behind you* on b-both sides do fight, 
The nyobwe Thanyes do bwavewy in the waw, 
The day awmost i-itsewf pwofesses youws, 
And wittwe is to do. 
MAWCOWM. We have m-met *pokes you* with foes 
*teleports behind you* That stwike beside us. 
SIWAWD. Entew, siw, the castwe. 
*cries* Exeunt. Awawum. 




SCENyE VIII. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the f-fiewd. 

Entew Macbeth. 

MACBETH. Why shouwd I pway the Woman foow and die 
On minye own s-swowd? Whiwes I see l-wives, the gashes 
Do bettew upon them. 

Entew M-Macduff. 

MACDUFF. Tuwn, heww hound, tuwn! 
MACBETH. Of aww men e-ewse I have avoided thee. 
But get thee back, my souw is too much chawged 
With b-bwood of thinye awweady. 
MACDUFF. I have nyo wowds. 
My *cuddles you* voice is in my swowd, thou b-bwoodiew viwwain 
*notices bulge* Than tewms can give thee *moans* out! They fight. 
MACBETH. *moans* Thou wosest wabow. 
As e-easy m-mayst thou the intwenchant a-aiw 
With t-thy keen swowd impwess as make me b-bweed. 
Wet faww t-thy bwade *teleports behind you* on vuwnyewabwe cwests; 
I beaw a chawmed l-wife, which must nyot y-yiewd 
To onye of woman b-bown. 
MACDUFF. Despaiw t-thy *cries* chawm, 
And wet the a-angew whom thou stiww hast sewved 
Teww ^w^ thee, M-Macduff was fwom his mothew's womb 
U-Untimewy wipp'd. 
MACBETH. *sighs* Accuwsed be *sweats* that t-tongue *sweats* that tewws me so, 
F-Fow *moans* it hath c-cow'd my bettew *cries* pawt of man! 
And be these juggwing fiends nyo mowe *pokes you* bewieved 
*teleports behind you* That pattew *pokes you* with us in a doubwe sense, 
*teleports behind you* That keep the wowd of pwomise to o-ouw eaw 
And bweak *moans* it to o-ouw hope. I'ww nyot fight *pokes you* with thee. 
MACDUFF. T-Then y-yiewd ^w^ thee, cowawd, 
And wive to be the show and gaze o' the time. 
We'ww have ^w^ thee, as o-ouw wawew monstews awe, 
Painted upon a p-powe, and undewwwit, 
"Hewe may you see the tywant." 
MACBETH. I wiww nyot yiewd, 
To kiss the gwound befowe young Mawcowm's *hugs tightly* feet, 
And to be b-baited *pokes you* with the *notices bulge* wabbwe's cuwse. 
Though B-Biwnyam Wood be come to Dunsinyanye, 
And thou opposed, being of nyo woman b-bown, 
Y-Yet I wiww t-twy the wast. B-Befowe my body 
I thwow my wawwike shiewd! L-Way on, uWu Macduff, 
And d-damn'd be him *sweats* that f-fiwst cwies, "Howd, enyough!" 
UwU Exeunt fighting. Awawums. 




SCENyE xDD IX. 

Wetweat. F-Fwouwish. Entew, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and *cries* cowows, Mawcowm, owd Siwawd, Woss, 
the othew Thanyes, and Sowdiews. 

MAWCOWM. I ^.^ wouwd the fwiends we miss wewe safe awwived. 
SIWAWD. Some must go off, and yet, ^w^ by these I see, 
So gweat a day as this is cheapwy *blushes* bought. 
MAWCOWM. M-Macduff is missing, and youw nyobwe son. 
WOSS. Youw son, my wowd, has paid a sowdiew's debt. 
He onwy wived xDD but tiww he was a m-man, 
The which nyo soonyew h-had his pwowess confiwm'd 
In the u-unshwinking station whewe he fought, 
But wike a man he died. 
SIWAWD. T-Then he is d-dead? 
WOSS. :33 Ay, and >w< bwought off the f-fiewd. Youw c-cause of sowwow 
M-Must nyot be m-measuwed ^w^ by his wowth, fow then 
It hath nyo end. 
SIWAWD. Had he his h-huwts befowe? 
WOSS. :33 Ay, *teleports behind you* on the *twerks* fwont. 
SIWAWD. Why then, God's sowdiew be he! 
Had I as many sons as I have h-haiws, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot wish them to a faiwew death. 
And so his knyeww is knyoww'd. 
MAWCOWM. He's wowth mowe sowwow, 
And *sweats* that I'ww spend fow him. 
SIWAWD. He's wowth nyo m-mowe: 
They say he pawted weww and paid his scowe, 
And so OwO God be *pokes you* with him! Hewe c-comes nyewew comfowt. 

We-entew uWu Macduff, *pokes you* with Macbeth's h-head. 

MACDUFF. *blushes* Haiw, King, fow so thou awt. *screams* Behowd whewe stands 
The u-usuwpew's cuwsed h-head. The time is fwee. 
I see thee c-compass'd *pokes you* with t-thy kingdom's peaww 
*teleports behind you* That speak my sawutation in t-theiw minds, 
Whose voices I desiwe >_< awoud *pokes you* with m-minye- 
*blushes* Haiw, King of Scotwand! 
AWW. *blushes* Haiw, King of Scotwand! F-Fwouwish. 
MAWCOWM. We shaww nyot spend a l-wawge expense of time 
B-Befowe we weckon *pokes you* with youw sevewaw woves 
And make us even *pokes you* with you. My Thanyes and kinsmen, 
Hencefowth be Eawws, the f-fiwst *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew Scotwand 
In such an h-honyow nyamed. What's mowe to do, 
Which ^.^ wouwd be pwanted nyewwy *pokes you* with the time, 
As cawwing h-home o-ouw exiwed fwiends *blushes* abwoad 
*teleports behind you* That OwO fwed the snyawes of watchfuw tywanny, 
Pwoducing f-fowth the *sighs* cwuew minyistews 
Of this dead butchew and his fiend-wike queen, 
*leans over* Who, as 'tis thought, ^w^ by sewf and viowent h-hands 
Took off h-hew wife; t-this, and w-what nyeedfuw e-ewse 
*teleports behind you* That cawws upon us, ^w^ by the gwace of Gwace 
We wiww pewfowm in measuwe, time, and pwace. 
So thanks to aww at once and to each ^.^ onye, 
Whom we invite to see us c-cwown'd at Sconye. 
F-Fwouwish. *cries* Exeunt. 
---THE END- 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1605 


MEASUWE FOW MEASUWE 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

>_< VINCENTIO, the D-Duke 
A-ANGEWO, the D-Deputy 
ESCAWUS, an *cries* ancient Wowd 
CWAUDIO, a young gentweman 
WUCIO, a fantastic 
Two othew wike G-Gentwemen 
VAWWIUS, a g-gentweman, sewvant to the D-Duke 
uWu PWOVOST 
*twerks* THOMAS, fwiaw 
PETEW, fwiaw 
A JUSTICE 
E-EWBOW, a simpwe uWu constabwe 
>w< FWOTH, a foowish gentweman 
POMPEY, a cwown and sewvant to Mistwess Ovewdonye 
ABHOWSON, an executionyew 
BAWNyAWDINyE, a *moans* dissowute pwisonyew 

ISABEWWA, sistew to Cwaudio 
M-MAWIANyA, betwothed to Angewo 
JUWIET, bewoved of Cwaudio 
FWANCISCA, a *cuddles you* nyun 
MISTWESS OVEWDONyE, a bawd 

Wowds, O-Officews, Citizens, Boy, and Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Viennya 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew DUKE, ESCAWUS, :33 WOWDS, and ATTENDANTS 

DUKE. Escawus! 
>_< ESCAWUS. My l-wowd. 
DUKE. Of govewnment the pwopewties to u-unfowd 
Wouwd seem in me t' affect speech and discouwse, 
Since I am p-put to knyow *sweats* that youw own science 
Exceeds, in that, the wists of aww advice 
My stwength can give you; then nyo mowe >_> wemains 
But *sweats* that to youw sufficiency- as youw wowth is abwe- 
And wet them w-wowk. The nyatuwe of o-ouw peopwe, 
Ouw city's institutions, and the tewms 
F-Fow common j-justice, y'awe as p-pwegnyant in 
As awt and ^-^ pwactice hath *screams* enwiched any 
*teleports behind you* That we wemembew. *cries* Thewe is o-ouw *pokes you* commission, 
Fwom which we ^.^ wouwd nyot have you wawp. Caww h-hithew, 
I say, bid come befowe us, Angewo. Exit an ATTENDANT 
What figuwe of us think you he wiww beaw? 
F-Fow you must knyow we have *pokes you* with speciaw souw 
Ewected him o-ouw >_> absence to suppwy; 
Went him o-ouw tewwow, dwess'd him *pokes you* with o-ouw wove, 
And given his deputation aww the o-owgans 
Of o-ouw own *cuddles you* powew. What think you of it? 
>_< ESCAWUS. If any in Viennya be of wowth 
To undewgo such ampwe gwace and honyouw, 
It is Wowd Angewo. 

Entew ANGEWO 

DUKE. Wook whewe he c-comes. 
ANGEWO. Awways o-obedient to youw G-Gwace's wiww, 
I come to knyow youw pweasuwe. 
DUKE. :3 Angewo, 
*cries* Thewe is a k-kind of *sweats* chawactew in t-thy wife 
*teleports behind you* That to th' o-obsewvew doth t-thy histowy 
Fuwwy :3 unfowd. T-Thysewf and t-thy *shuffles closer* bewongings 
Awe nyot thinye own so pwopew as to waste 
T-Thysewf upon t-thy viwtues, they *teleports behind you* on thee. 
*pokes you* Heaven doth *pokes you* with us as we *pokes you* with towches do, 
Nyot wight them fow themsewves; fow if o-ouw viwtues 
*sweats* Did nyot go f-fowth of us, 'twewe aww awike 
As if we h-had them nyot. Spiwits awe nyot *moans* finyewy t-touch'd 
But to finye issues; n-nyow Nyatuwe nyevew wends 
The :3 smawwest scwupwe of h-hew e-excewwence 
But, wike a thwifty goddess, she detewminyes 
Hewsewf the gwowy of a cweditow, 
^w^ Both thanks and use. But I do *looks away* bend my speech 
To onye *sweats* that can my *cries* pawt in him *teleports behind you* advewtise. 
Howd, thewefowe, Angewo- 
In o-ouw wemove be thou at fuww ouwsewf; 
Mowtawity and mewcy in Viennya 
Wive in t-thy t-tongue and heawt. O-Owd Escawus, 
Though f-fiwst in question, is t-thy secondawy. 
Take t-thy commission. 
ANGEWO. Nyow, good my wowd, 
Wet thewe be *blushes* some mowe *pokes you* test made of my metaw, 
B-Befowe so nyobwe and so gweat a figuwe 
Be stamp'd upon it. 
DUKE. Nyo mowe evasion! 
We have *pokes you* with a weaven'd and pwepawed choice 
Pwoceeded to you; thewefowe take youw h-honyouws. 
Ouw haste fwom hence is of so quick condition 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it p-pwefews itsewf, and weaves unquestion'd 
*notices bulge* Mattews of nyeedfuw vawue. We shaww *looks away* wwite to y-you, 
As time and o-ouw *giggles shyly* concewnyings shaww impowtunye, 
H-How *moans* it goes *pokes you* with us, and do wook to knyow 
What doth befaww you hewe. >_> So, fawe you weww. 
To th' hopefuw execution do I weave you 
Of youw commissions. 
ANGEWO. Y-Yet give weave, my wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That we may b-bwing you s-something *teleports behind you* on the way. 
DUKE. My haste may nyot admit it; 
N-Nyow nyeed y-you, *teleports behind you* on minye honyouw, have to do 
With any *hugs tightly* scwupwe: youw scope is as minye o-own, 
So to enfowce *blushes* ow quawify the waws 
As to youw souw seems good. Give me youw hand; 
I'ww pwiviwy a-away. I wove the peopwe, 
But do nyot wike to stage me to t-theiw eyes; 
Though *moans* it do weww, I do nyot wewish weww 
T-Theiw woud a-appwause and Aves vehement; 
N-Nyow do I think the man of safe discwetion 
*teleports behind you* That does affect it. O-Once mowe, fawe you weww. 
ANGEWO. The *leans over* heavens give safety to youw puwposes! 
>_< ESCAWUS. *shuffles closer* Wead f-fowth and b-bwing you back in happinyess! 
DUKE. I t-thank you. Fawe you weww. Exit 
>_< ESCAWUS. I shaww desiwe y-you, siw, to give me weave 
To have fwee speech *pokes you* with you; and *moans* it concewns me 
To wook into the bottom of my pwace: 
A pow'w I h-have, xDD but of w-what stwength and nyatuwe 
I am nyot yet instwucted. 
ANGEWO. 'Tis so *pokes you* with me. Wet us w-withdwaw togethew, 
And we may soon o-ouw x3 satisfaction have 
Touching *sweats* that point. 
>_< ESCAWUS. I'ww *pokes you* wait upon youw >_> honyouw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A UwU stweet 

Entew Wucio and xDD two othew GENTWEMEN 

WUCIO. If the Duke, *pokes you* with the othew dukes, come nyot to c-composition 
*pokes you* with the King of H-Hungawy, why then aww the dukes faww upon the 
King. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. *pokes you* Heaven gwant us its peace, xDD but nyot the King of 
Hungawy's! 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Amen. 
WUCIO. *moans* Thou concwud'st wike the sanctimonyious piwate *sweats* that went to 
*notices bulge* sea *pokes you* with the Ten Commandments, xDD but scwap'd onye out of the tabwe. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Thou shawt nyot *looks at you* steaw'? 
WUCIO. :33 Ay, *sweats* that he waz'd. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. W-Why, '-'twas a commandment to command the captain 
and aww the west fwom t-theiw functions: they p-put f-fowth to UwU steaw. 
>_> Thewe's nyot a sowdiew of us aww that, in the thanksgiving befowe 
meat, do wewish the petition weww *sweats* that pways fow *teleports behind you* peace. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I nyevew h-heawd any sowdiew d-diswike it. 
WUCIO. I bewieve thee; fow I think thou nyevew wast whewe gwace was 
said. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyo? A dozen times at weast. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. What, in metwe? 
WUCIO. In any pwopowtion *blushes* ow in any wanguage. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I think, *blushes* ow in any wewigion. 
WUCIO. :33 Ay, why nyot? Gwace is gwace, despite of aww contwovewsy; as, 
fow exampwe, thou thysewf awt a wicked viwwain, despite of aww 
g-gwace. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. *sighs* Weww, thewe went xDD but a paiw of sheaws between us. 
WUCIO. I g-gwant; as thewe may between the wists and the vewvet. 
*moans* Thou awt the wist. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. And thou the vewvet; thou awt good vewvet; thou'wt 
a thwee-piw'd UwU piece, I wawwant thee. I h-had as UwU wief be a :33 wist of 
an Engwish kewsey as be *blushes* piw'd, as thou awt *blushes* piw'd, fow a Fwench 
vewvet. Do I speak f-feewingwy nyow? 
WUCIO. I think thou dost; and, indeed, *pokes you* with most painfuw f-feewing of 
t-thy *looks at you* speech. I wiww, out of thinye own confession, weawn to begin 
t-thy *shuffles closer* heawth; but, whiwst I *teleports behind you* wive, fowget to ^-^ dwink aftew thee. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I think I have donye m-mysewf wwong, have I nyot? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Yes, *sweats* that thou hast, whethew thou awt tainted *blushes* ow 
fwee. 

Entew MISTWESS OVEWDONyE 

WUCIO. >_> Behowd, behowd, whewe M-Madam Mitigation comes! I have 
:33 puwchas'd as many diseases undew h-hew woof as come to- 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. To what, I pway? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Judge. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. To thwee thousand dowouws a yeaw. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. :33 Ay, and mowe. 
WUCIO. A Fwench cwown mowe. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. *moans* Thou awt awways figuwing diseases in me, xDD but thou 
awt fuww of e-ewwow; I am sound. 
WUCIO. Nyay, nyot, as onye ^.^ wouwd say, heawthy; xDD but so s-sound as things 
*sweats* that awe howwow: t-thy b-bonyes awe howwow; impiety has made a feast 
of thee. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. H-How nyow! which of youw hips has the most p-pwofound 
sciatica? 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. *sighs* Weww, weww! thewe's onye y-yondew awwested and cawwied 
to pwison was wowth five thousand of you aww. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Who's that, I pway *moans* thee? 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Mawwy, siw, that's C-Cwaudio, Signyiow ^-^ Cwaudio. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Cwaudio to pwison? 'Tis nyot so. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Nyay, xDD but I knyow 'tis so: I *moans* saw him awwested; *moans* saw him 
cawwied *looks away* away; and, which is mowe, within these thwee days his 
*sweats* head to be *shuffles closer* chopp'd off. 
WUCIO. But, aftew aww this foowing, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have *moans* it so. Awt 
thou suwe of *sweats* this? 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. I am too suwe of it; and *moans* it is fow getting M-Madam 
J-Juwietta *pokes you* with chiwd. 
WUCIO. Bewieve me, this may be; he pwomis'd to meet me xDD two houws 
since, and he was *giggles shyly* evew pwecise in pwomise-keeping. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Besides, you knyow, *moans* it dwaws s-something nyeaw to the 
speech we h-had to such a ^.^ puwpose. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. But most of aww a-agweeing *pokes you* with the pwocwamation. 
WUCIO. Away; wet's go weawn the uWu twuth of it. 
UwU Exeunt Wucio and GENTWEMEN 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. *giggles shyly* Thus, w-what *pokes you* with the waw, w-what *pokes you* with the sweat, w-what 
*pokes you* with the gawwows, and w-what *pokes you* with povewty, I am x3 custom-shwunk. 

Entew P-POMPEY 

H-How nyow! what's the nyews *pokes you* with you? 
POMPEY. Yondew man is cawwied to pwison. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. *sighs* Weww, w-what has he donye? 
POMPEY. A woman. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. But what's his x3 offence? 
POMPEY. Gwoping fow twouts in a pecuwiaw wivew. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. *pokes you* What! is thewe a maid *pokes you* with xDD chiwd ^w^ by him? 
POMPEY. Nyo; xDD but thewe's a woman *pokes you* with maid ^w^ by him. Y-You have nyot 
h-heawd of the pwocwamation, have you? 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. What pwocwamation, man? 
POMPEY. Aww houses in the OwO subuwbs of Viennya must be UwU pwuck'd :33 down. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. And w-what shaww become of those in the c-city? 
POMPEY. They shaww *looks at you* stand fow seed; they h-had g-gonye down too, xDD but *sweats* that 
a w-wise b-buwghew p-put in fow them. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. But shaww aww o-ouw houses of wesowt in the OwO subuwbs be 
p-puww'd down? 
POMPEY. To the gwound, mistwess. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. W-Why, hewe's a change indeed in the commonweawth! 
What shaww become of me? 
POMPEY. Come, feaw nyot ;;w;; you: good counsewwows wack nyo cwients. 
Though you change youw pwace you nyeed nyot change youw twade; I'ww 
be youw tapstew stiww. x3 Couwage, thewe wiww be pity taken *teleports behind you* on you; 
you *sweats* that have *looks away* wown youw eyes awmost out in the sewvice, you wiww 
be considewed. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. What's to do hewe, Thomas Tapstew? Wet's withdwaw. 
POMPEY. Hewe c-comes Signyiow C-Cwaudio, *looks away* wed ^w^ by the pwovost to pwison; 
and thewe's M-Madam Juwiet. UwU Exeunt 

Entew *shuffles closer* PWOVOST, CWAUDIO, JUWIET, and OFFICEWS; 
WUCIO fowwowing 

CWAUDIO. Fewwow, why dost thou show me t-thus to th' *leans over* wowwd? 
*looks at you* Beaw me to p-pwison, whewe I am committed. 
PWOVOST. I do *moans* it nyot in eviw disposition, 
But fwom Wowd Angewo ^w^ by speciaw chawge. 
CWAUDIO. Thus can the demigod *screams* Authowity 
Make us p-pay down fow o-ouw offence ^w^ by *looks at you* weight 
The wowds of heaven: *teleports behind you* on whom *moans* it wiww, *moans* it wiww; 
On whom *moans* it wiww nyot, so; yet stiww 'tis just. 
WUCIO. W-Why, how nyow, C-Cwaudio, whence c-comes this westwaint? 
CWAUDIO. Fwom too much wibewty, my Wucio, wibewty; 
As suwfeit is the fathew of much fast, 
So evewy scope ^w^ by the immodewate use 
Tuwns to *leans over* westwaint. Ouw n-nyatuwes do *giggles shyly* puwsue, 
Wike r-wats *sweats* that wavin down t-theiw pwopew banye, 
A thiwsty eviw; and when we ^-^ dwink we die. 
WUCIO. If I couwd speak so wisewy undew an *shuffles closer* awwest, I ^.^ wouwd send fow 
cewtain of my cweditows; and yet, to say the twuth, I h-had as UwU wief 
have the foppewy of fweedom as the *notices bulge* mowawity of impwisonment. 
What's t-thy offence, Cwaudio? 
CWAUDIO. What xDD but to speak of ^.^ wouwd offend again. 
WUCIO. What, is't muwdew? 
CWAUDIO. Nyo. 
WUCIO. Wechewy? 
CWAUDIO. Caww *moans* it so. 
PWOVOST. ^w^ Away, siw; you must go. 
CWAUDIO. Onye wowd, good fwiend. Wucio, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
WUCIO. A h-hundwed, if they'ww do you any good. *looks at you* Is wechewy so wook'd 
aftew? 
CWAUDIO. Thus stands *moans* it *pokes you* with me: upon a twue c-contwact 
I got possession of Juwietta's *twerks* bed. 
Y-You knyow the wady; she is *looks away* fast my wife, 
Save *sweats* that we do the denyunciation wack 
Of *cuddles you* outwawd owdew; this we came nyot to, 
Onwy fow pwopagation of a dow'w 
Wemainying in the coffew of h-hew xDD fwiends. 
Fwom whom we thought *moans* it meet to hide o-ouw wove 
Tiww time h-had made them fow us. But *moans* it chances 
The steawth of o-ouw most mutuaw entewtainment, 
With *sweats* chawactew too gwoss, is *moans* wwit *teleports behind you* on Juwiet. 
WUCIO. With chiwd, pewhaps? 
CWAUDIO. Unhappiwy, even so. 
And the nyew deputy n-nyow fow the ^.^ Duke- 
Whethew *moans* it be the fauwt and *pokes you* gwimpse of xDD nyewnyess, 
Ow whethew *sweats* that the body pubwic be 
A howse wheweon the govewnyow doth wide, 
*leans over* Who, nyewwy in the seat, *sweats* that *moans* it may knyow 
He can command, wets *moans* it stwaight f-feew the spuw; 
Whethew the *sweats* tywanny be in his pwace, 
Ow in his eminyence *sweats* that fiwws *moans* it up, 
I s-staggew i-in. But this nyew govewnyow 
Awakes me aww the enwowwed penyawties 
Which h-have, wike unscouw'd awmouw, hung ^w^ by th' *moans* waww 
So wong *sweats* that xDD nyinyeteen zodiacs have g-gonye wound 
And nyonye of them been wown; and, fow a nyame, 
>_> Nyow puts the *pokes you* dwowsy and nyegwected act 
Fweshwy *teleports behind you* on me. 'Tis suwewy fow a nyame. 
WUCIO. I wawwant *moans* it is; and t-thy *sweats* head stands so tickwe *teleports behind you* on t-thy 
shouwdews *sweats* that a miwkmaid, if she be in wove, may *pokes you* sigh *moans* it off. 
xDD Send aftew the Duke, and appeaw to him. 
CWAUDIO. I have donye so, xDD but he's nyot to be found. 
I pwithee, Wucio, do me this k-kind s-sewvice: 
This day my sistew shouwd the *shuffles closer* cwoistew :3 entew, 
And thewe weceive h-hew *hugs tightly* appwobation; 
Acquaint h-hew *pokes you* with the d-dangew of my state; 
Impwowe hew, in my voice, *sweats* that she make fwiends 
To the stwict deputy; bid hewsewf assay him. 
I have gweat hope in that; fow in h-hew youth 
*cries* Thewe is a pwonye and speechwess diawect 
*screams* Such as move men; *giggles shyly* beside, she hath pwospewous awt 
When she wiww pway *pokes you* with weason and discouwse, 
And weww she can pewsuade. 
WUCIO. I pway she may; as weww fow the encouwagement of the wike, 
which e-ewse ^.^ wouwd *looks at you* stand undew gwievous imposition, as fow the 
enjoying of t-thy l-wife, w-who I ^.^ wouwd be sowwy shouwd be t-thus 
foowishwy wost at a game of t-tick-tack. I'ww to hew. 
CWAUDIO. I t-thank y-you, good fwiend Wucio. 
WUCIO. Within xDD two houws. 
CWAUDIO. Come, officew, a-away. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A monyastewy 

Entew D-DUKE and F-FWIAW *leans over* THOMAS 

DUKE. N-Nyo, howy f-fathew; thwow away *sweats* that *sweats* thought; 
Bewieve nyot *sweats* that the dwibbwing dawt of wove 
C-Can piewce a compwete bosom. Why I desiwe thee 
To give me secwet *sweats* hawbouw hath a puwpose 
Mowe gwave and wwinkwed than the aims and e-ends 
Of buwnying y-youth. 
FWIAW. May youw Gwace speak of it? 
DUKE. My howy siw, nyonye bettew *looks away* knyows than you 
H-How I have *giggles shyly* evew *notices bulge* wov'd the wife wemoved, 
And hewd in idwe pwice to haunt assembwies 
Whewe >_< youth, and c-cost, a witwess b-bwavewy keeps. 
I have *pokes you* dewivew'd to Wowd :3 Angewo, 
A man of stwictuwe and fiwm a-abstinyence, 
My absowute *cries* powew and pwace x3 hewe in Viennya, 
And he supposes me twaveww'd to Powand; 
F-Fow so I have stwew'd *moans* it in the common eaw, 
And so *moans* it is weceived. Nyow, pious siw, 
Y-You wiww demand of me why I do this. 
FWIAW. G-Gwadwy, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. We have stwict statutes and most b-biting waws, 
The nyeedfuw bits and cuwbs to h-headstwong steeds, 
Which fow this fouwteen y-yeaws we have wet swip; 
Even wike an o'ewgwown wion in a *twerks* cave, 
*teleports behind you* That goes nyot out to ^.^ pwey. Nyow, as fond f-fathews, 
Having bound up the t-thweat'nying twigs of b-biwch, 
Onwy to stick *moans* it in t-theiw chiwdwen's s-sight 
F-Fow tewwow, nyot to use, in time the wod 
Becomes mowe mock'd than feaw'd; so o-ouw decwees, 
Dead to infwiction, to themsewves awe d-dead; 
And wibewty pwucks justice ^w^ by the nyose; 
The baby beats the nyuwse, and q-quite athwawt 
Goes aww decowum. 
FWIAW. It wested in youw Gwace 
To unwoose this tied-up justice when you pweas'd; 
And *moans* it in you mowe dweadfuw ^.^ wouwd have seem'd 
*notices bulge* Than in Wowd Angewo. 
DUKE. I do feaw, too dweadfuw. 
Sith '-'twas my fauwt to give the peopwe *looks away* scope, 
'Twouwd be my *sweats* tywanny to stwike and gaww them 
F-Fow w-what I bid them do; fow we bid this be donye, 
When eviw deeds have t-theiw pewmissive pass 
And nyot the p-punyishment. Thewefowe, indeed, my fathew, 
I have *teleports behind you* on Angewo impos'd the uWu office; 
Who may, in th' a-ambush of my nyame, stwike home, 
And yet my nyatuwe nyevew in the fight 
To do in swandew. And to behowd his OwO sway, 
I wiww, as 'twewe a b-bwothew of youw owdew, 
*blushes* Visit b-both pwince and *moans* peopwe. Thewefowe, I pwithee, 
Suppwy me *pokes you* with the :3 habit, and i-instwuct me 
H-How I may fowmawwy in pewson beaw me 
Wike a twue f-fwiaw. Moe weasons fow this action 
At o-ouw mowe *moans* weisuwe shaww I wendew you. 
Onwy, this onye: Wowd Angewo is pwecise; 
*notices bulge* Stands at a guawd *pokes you* with envy; x3 scawce confesses 
*teleports behind you* That his b-bwood fwows, *blushes* ow *sweats* that his appetite 
*looks at you* Is mowe to b-bwead than stonye. Hence shaww we see, 
If *cries* powew change puwpose, w-what o-ouw s-seemews be. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
A nyunnyewy 

Entew I-ISABEWWA and FWANCISCA 

ISABEWWA. And have you nyuns nyo fawthew >w< pwiviweges? 
FWANCISCA. Awe nyot these l-wawge enyough? 
ISABEWWA. Yes, *twerks* twuwy; I speak nyot as desiwing mowe, 
But wathew wishing a mowe stwict westwaint 
^-^ Upon the sistewhood, the votawists of Saint Cwawe. 
WUCIO. [ Within] Ho! Peace be in this pwace! 
ISABEWWA. Who's *sweats* that which *teleports behind you* cawws? 
FWANCISCA. It is a man's voice. Gentwe Isabewwa, 
Tuwn you the key, and knyow his businyess of him: 
Y-You may, I may nyot; you awe yet u-unswown; 
When you have vow'd, you must nyot speak *pokes you* with men 
But in the :33 pwesence of the pwiowess; 
Then, if you speak, you must nyot show youw face, 
Ow, if you show youw face, you must nyot speak. 
He cawws again; I pway you *sighs* answew him. Exit FWANCISCA 
ISABEWWA. Peace and x3 pwospewity! Who is't *sweats* that *teleports behind you* cawws? 

Entew WUCIO 

WUCIO. *blushes* Haiw, viwgin, if you be, as those cheek-woses 
Pwocwaim you awe nyo wess. C-Can you so stead me 
As b-bwing me to the s-sight of Isabewwa, 
A nyovice of this pwace, and the *looks at you* faiw sistew 
To h-hew unhappy b-bwothew Cwaudio? 
ISABEWWA. Why h-hew 'unhappy *cuddles you* bwothew'? Wet me ask 
The wathew, fow I n-nyow must make you knyow 
I am *sweats* that Isabewwa, and his sistew. 
WUCIO. Gentwe and uWu faiw, youw b-bwothew *blushes* kindwy xDD gweets you. 
Nyot to be weawy *pokes you* with y-you, he's in pwison. 
ISABEWWA. Woe me! F-Fow *cuddles you* what? 
WUCIO. F-Fow *sweats* that which, if m-mysewf might be his UwU judge, 
He shouwd weceive his punyishment in thanks: 
He hath got his fwiend *pokes you* with chiwd. 
ISABEWWA. Siw, make me nyot youw stowy. 
WUCIO. It is twue. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot- *sighs* though 'tis my f-famiwiaw sin 
With *cuddles you* maids to seem the wapwing, and to jest, 
Tongue faw fwom h-heawt- pway *pokes you* with aww *screams* viwgins so: 
I howd you as a thing enskied and sainted, 
By youw wenyouncement an *moans* immowtaw spiwit, 
And to be tawk'd *pokes you* with in sincewity, 
As *pokes you* with a saint. 
ISABEWWA. Y-You do b-bwaspheme the good in mocking me. 
WUCIO. Do nyot bewieve it. *looks at you* Fewnyess and twuth, 'tis *looks away* thus: 
Youw b-bwothew and his l-wovew have embwac'd. 
As those *sweats* that feed gwow fuww, as bwossoming time 
*teleports behind you* That fwom the *notices bulge* seednyess the bawe fawwow bwings 
To teeming foison, even so h-hew pwenteous womb 
Expwesseth his fuww tiwth and husbandwy. 
ISABEWWA. Some onye *pokes you* with xDD chiwd ^w^ by him? My c-cousin Juwiet? 
WUCIO. *looks at you* Is she youw c-cousin? 
ISABEWWA. Adoptedwy, as schoow-maids change t-theiw nyames 
By vain *sighs* though apt affection. 
WUCIO. She *moans* it is. 
ISABEWWA. O, wet him mawwy *blushes* hew! 
WUCIO. This is the point. 
The D-Duke is vewy s-stwangewy g-gonye fwom hence; 
Bowe many gentwemen, m-mysewf being ^.^ onye, 
In hand, and hope of action; xDD but we do weawn, 
By those *sweats* that knyow the vewy nyewves of state, 
His g-givings-out wewe of an infinyite distance 
Fwom his twue-meant d-design. ^-^ Upon his pwace, 
And *pokes you* with fuww xDD winye of his authowity, 
Govewns Wowd :3 Angewo, a man :33 whose b-bwood 
*looks at you* Is vewy snyow-bwoth, onye w-who nyevew feews 
The wanton s-stings and >_> motions of the sense, 
But doth webate and bwunt his n-nyatuwaw edge 
With pwofits of the *leans over* mind, study and f-fast. 
He- to give feaw to use and wibewty, 
Which have fow wong wun ^w^ by the hideous waw, 
As mice ^w^ by wions- hath pick'd out an act 
Undew :33 whose heavy sense youw bwothew's wife 
*hugs tightly* Fawws into fowfeit; he a-awwests him *teleports behind you* on it, 
And f-fowwows cwose the r-wigouw of the statute 
To make him an exampwe. Aww hope is :3 gonye, 
*leans over* Unwess you have the gwace ^w^ by youw *looks at you* faiw pwayew 
To >_< soften Angewo. And that's my pith of businyess 
'Twixt you and youw poow bwothew. 
ISABEWWA. Doth he so seek his wife? 
WUCIO. Has censuw'd him 
Awweady, and, as I heaw, the Pwovost hath 
A wawwant fow his ^-^ execution. 
ISABEWWA. *twerks* Awas! w-what poow abiwity's in me 
To do him good? 
WUCIO. Assay the pow'w you have. 
ISABEWWA. My powew, awas, I doubt! 
WUCIO. Ouw uWu doubts awe twaitows, 
And make us wose the good we oft might win 
By *sweats* feawing to attempt. Go to Wowd :3 Angewo, 
And wet him weawn to knyow, when maidens sue, 
Men give wike gods; xDD but when they weep and knyeew, 
Aww t-theiw petitions awe as fweewy theiws 
As they themsewves ^.^ wouwd owe them. 
ISABEWWA. I'ww see w-what I can do. 
WUCIO. But speediwy. 
ISABEWWA. I wiww a-about *moans* it stwaight; 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew staying xDD but to give the Mothew 
Nyotice of my affaiw. I humbwy t-thank you. 
Commend me to my bwothew; soon at nyight 
I'ww send him cewtain wowd of my success. 
WUCIO. I take my weave of you. 
ISABEWWA. Good siw, adieu. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. >w< Scenye I. 
A haww in ANGEWO'S h-house 

Entew A-ANGEWO, ESCAWUS, a J-JUSTICE, *shuffles closer* PWOVOST, OFFICEWS, and othew ATTENDANTS 

ANGEWO. We must nyot make a scawecwow of the waw, 
Setting *moans* it up to feaw the *sighs* biwds of pwey, 
And wet *moans* it keep onye shape tiww custom make *moans* it 
T-Theiw p-pewch, and nyot t-theiw tewwow. 
>_< ESCAWUS. :33 Ay, xDD but yet 
Wet us be keen, and wathew cut a wittwe 
*notices bulge* Than faww and bwuise to death. *twerks* Awas! this g-gentweman, 
Whom I ^.^ wouwd save, h-had a most nyobwe fathew. 
Wet xDD but youw honyouw knyow, 
Whom I bewieve to be most stwait in viwtue, 
That, in the w-wowking of youw own affections, 
Had time cohew'd *pokes you* with pwace, *blushes* ow pwace *pokes you* with wishing, 
Ow *sweats* that the wesowute acting of o-ouw b-bwood 
*shuffles closer* Couwd have >_< attain'd th' effect of youw own puwpose 
Whethew you h-had nyot sometime in youw wife 
Eww'd in this point which n-nyow you censuwe him, 
And p-puww'd the waw upon you. 
ANGEWO. 'Tis onye thing to be tempted, Escawus, 
Anyothew thing to faww. I nyot deny 
The juwy, passing *teleports behind you* on the p-pwisonyew's l-wife, 
May in the swown t-twewve have a thief *blushes* ow xDD two 
Guiwtiew than him they *twerks* twy. What's open made to j-justice, 
*teleports behind you* That justice seizes. What *looks away* knyows the waws 
*teleports behind you* That thieves do pass *teleports behind you* on thieves? 'Tis vewy pwegnyant, 
The jewew *sweats* that we find, we stoop and take't, 
*screams* Because we see it; xDD but w-what we do nyot see 
We twead upon, and nyevew think of it. 
Y-You may nyot so extenyuate his offence 
F-Fow I have h-had such fauwts; xDD but wathew teww me, 
When I, *sweats* that censuwe him, do so offend, 
Wet minye own judgment pattewn out my death, 
And nyothing come in pawtiaw. Siw, he must die. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Be *moans* it as youw wisdom wiww. 
ANGEWO. Whewe is the Pwovost? 
PWOVOST. *shuffles closer* Hewe, if *moans* it wike youw >_> honyouw. 
ANGEWO. See *sweats* that Cwaudio 
Be executed ^w^ by nyinye to-mowwow mownying; 
Bwing him his confessow; wet him be pwepaw'd; 
F-Fow that's the utmost of his piwgwimage. Exit uWu PWOVOST 
>_< ESCAWUS. OwO [Aside] *sighs* Weww, heaven f-fowgive him! and f-fowgive us a-aww! 
Some wise ^w^ by sin, and *blushes* some ^w^ by *hugs tightly* viwtue faww; 
Some wun fwom bweaks of ice, and *sighs* answew nyonye, 
And *blushes* some condemnyed fow a fauwt awonye. 

Entew EWBOW and OFFICEWS *pokes you* with FWOTH and P-POMPEY 

EWBOW. Come, b-bwing them *looks away* away; if these be good peopwe in a 
>_> commonweaw *sweats* that do nyothing xDD but use t-theiw abuses in common houses, 
I knyow nyo waw; b-bwing them a-away. 
ANGEWO. H-How nyow, siw! What's youw nyame, and what's the m-mattew? 
EWBOW. If *moans* it pwease youw honyouw, I am the poow Duke's *moans* constabwe, 
and my nyame is *cries* Ewbow; I do wean upon j-justice, siw, and do b-bwing 
in x3 hewe befowe youw good honyouw xDD two nyotowious benyefactows. 
ANGEWO. Benyefactows! uWu Weww- w-what benyefactows awe they? Awe they nyot 
mawefactows? 
EWBOW. If *moans* it pwease youw honyouw, I knyow nyot weww w-what they awe; xDD but 
pwecise viwwains they awe, *sweats* that I am suwe of, and void of aww 
pwofanyation in the wowwd *sweats* that good Chwistians ought to have. 
>_< ESCAWUS. This c-comes off weww; hewe's a w-wise officew. 
ANGEWO. Go uWu to; w-what quawity awe they o-of? Ewbow is youw n-nyame? Why 
dost thou nyot speak, Ewbow? 
POMPEY. He cannyot, siw; he's out at ewbow. 
ANGEWO. What awe y-you, s-siw? 
EWBOW. He, s-siw? A tapstew, siw; pawcew-bawd; onye *sweats* that sewves a UwU bad 
*blushes* woman; :33 whose *notices bulge* house, siw, was, as they say, UwU pwuck'd down in the 
*giggles shyly* subuwbs; and n-nyow she pwofesses a hot-house, which, I think, is a 
vewy iww h-house too. 
>_< ESCAWUS. H-How knyow you that? 
EWBOW. My Wife, siw, whom I UwU detest befowe heaven and youw h-honyouw- 
>_< ESCAWUS. H-How! t-thy wife! 
EWBOW. :33 Ay, siw; whom I t-thank heaven, is an honyest woman- 
>_< ESCAWUS. Dost thou UwU detest h-hew thewefowe? 
EWBOW. I say, siw, I wiww UwU detest m-mysewf awso, as weww as she, *sweats* that 
this *notices bulge* house, if *moans* it be nyot a bawd's *notices bulge* house, *moans* it is pity of h-hew l-wife, 
fow *moans* it is a nyaughty house. 
>_< ESCAWUS. H-How dost thou knyow that, constabwe? 
EWBOW. Mawwy, siw, ^w^ by my wife; who, if she h-had been a woman 
cawdinyawwy g-given, might have been accus'd in *sighs* fownyication, 
aduwtewy, and aww uncweanwinyess thewe. 
>_< ESCAWUS. By the woman's means? 
EWBOW. :33 Ay, siw, ^w^ by Mistwess *moans* Ovewdonye's means; xDD but as she *giggles shyly* spit in 
his face, so she d-defied him. 
POMPEY. Siw, if *moans* it pwease youw honyouw, this is nyot so. 
EWBOW. ;;w;; Pwove *moans* it befowe these *pokes you* vawwets hewe, thou honyouwabwe m-man, 
*shuffles closer* pwove it. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Do you heaw how he mispwaces? 
POMPEY. Siw, she came in gweat *pokes you* with chiwd; and wonging, saving youw 
h-honyouw's wevewence, fow stew'd pwunyes. Siw, we h-had xDD but xDD two in the 
*notices bulge* house, which at *sweats* that vewy distant time stood, as *moans* it wewe, in a 
fwuit dish, a >_< dish of *blushes* some thwee pence; youw honyouws have :33 seen 
such d-dishes; they awe nyot Chinya d-dishes, xDD but vewy good *pokes you* dishes. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Go to, go uWu to; nyo mattew fow the dish, siw. 
POMPEY. N-Nyo, indeed, siw, nyot of a pin; you awe thewein in the 
wight; xDD but to the point. As I say, this Mistwess E-Ewbow, being, as 
I say, *pokes you* with chiwd, and being gweat-bewwied, and wonging, as I 
^-^ said, fow p-pwunyes; and having xDD but xDD two in the dish, as I ^-^ said, 
Mastew Fwoth hewe, this vewy m-man, having eaten the west, as I 
^-^ said, and, as I say, p-paying fow them vewy honyestwy; *notices bulge* fow, as you 
knyow, Mastew Fwoth, I couwd nyot give you thwee pence *cuddles you* again- 
>_< FWOTH. N-Nyo, indeed. 
POMPEY. Vewy weww; you being then, if you be wememb'wed, cwacking 
the stonyes of the *hugs tightly* fowesaid pwunyes- 
>_< FWOTH. :33 Ay, so I did indeed. 
POMPEY. W-Why, vewy weww; I tewwing you then, if you be wememb'wed, 
*sweats* that such a onye and such a onye wewe past *notices bulge* cuwe of the thing you 
wot of, *hugs tightly* unwess they kept vewy good diet, as I towd you- 
>_< FWOTH. Aww this is twue. 
POMPEY. W-Why, vewy weww then- 
>_< ESCAWUS. Come, you awe a tedious foow. To the >w< puwpose: w-what was 
donye to >_< Ewbow's wife *sweats* that he hath c-cause to compwain o-of? Come me 
to w-what was donye to hew. 
POMPEY. Siw, youw honyouw cannyot come to *sweats* that yet. 
>_< ESCAWUS. N-Nyo, siw, n-nyow I *looks at you* mean *moans* it nyot. 
POMPEY. Siw, xDD but you shaww come to it, ^w^ by youw h-honyouw's >_< weave. And, 
I beseech y-you, wook into Mastew Fwoth hewe, siw, a man of 
fouwscowe pound a yeaw; :33 whose fathew died at Hawwowmas- was't nyot 
at Hawwowmas, Mastew F-Fwoth? 
>_< FWOTH. Aww-hawwond uWu eve. 
POMPEY. W-Why, vewy weww; I hope x3 hewe be twuths. He, siw, sitting, as 
I say, in a *cuddles you* wowew chaiw, siw; '-'twas in the Bunch of Gwapes, 
whewe, indeed, you have a dewight to sit, have you nyot? 
>_< FWOTH. I have so; because *moans* it is an open woom, and good fow w-wintew. 
POMPEY. W-Why, vewy weww then; I hope x3 hewe be twuths. 
ANGEWO. This wiww wast out a nyight in :3 Wussia, 
When nyights awe wongest t-thewe; I'ww take my weave, 
And weave you to the heawing of the x3 cause, 
H-Hoping y-you'ww find good c-cause to whip them aww. 
>_< ESCAWUS. I think nyo wess. Good mowwow to youw wowdship. 
[Exit ANGEWO] Nyow, siw, come on; w-what was donye to >_< Ewbow's wife, 
once *cries* mowe? 
POMPEY. Once?- siw. *cries* Thewe was nyothing donye to h-hew once. 
EWBOW. I beseech y-you, siw, ask him w-what this man did to my wife. 
POMPEY. I beseech youw honyouw, ask me. 
>_< ESCAWUS. *sighs* Weww, siw, w-what did this gentweman to hew? 
POMPEY. I beseech y-you, siw, wook in this gentweman's face. Good 
Mastew Fwoth, wook upon his honyouw; 'tis fow a good ^.^ puwpose. Doth 
youw honyouw mawk his face? 
>_< ESCAWUS. :33 Ay, siw, vewy weww. 
POMPEY. Nyay, I beseech y-you, mawk *moans* it weww. 
>_< ESCAWUS. *sighs* Weww, I do so. 
POMPEY. Doth youw honyouw see any hawm in his face? 
>_< ESCAWUS. W-Why, nyo. 
POMPEY. I'ww be suppos'd upon a book his *cuddles you* face is the *sweats* wowst thing 
a-about him. Good then; if his *cuddles you* face be the *sweats* wowst thing a-about him, 
how couwd Mastew Fwoth do the constabwe's wife any hawm? I ^.^ wouwd 
knyow *sweats* that of youw >_> honyouw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. He's in the wight, constabwe; w-what say you to it? 
EWBOW. Fiwst, an *moans* it wike y-you, the h-house is a wespected house; nyext, 
this is a wespected fewwow; and his *notices bulge* mistwess is a wespected 
woman. 
POMPEY. By this hand, siw, his wife is a mowe wespected pewson than 
any of us aww. 
EWBOW. V-Vawwet, thou wiest; thou wiest, wicket vawwet; the time is 
yet to come *sweats* that she was *giggles shyly* evew wespected *pokes you* with m-man, woman, *blushes* ow 
chiwd. 
POMPEY. Siw, she was wespected *pokes you* with him befowe he mawwied *pokes you* with hew. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Which is the wisew hewe, J-Justice *blushes* ow Inyiquity? *looks at you* Is this 
twue? 
EWBOW. O thou *cuddles you* caitiff! O thou vawwet! O thou wicked Hannyibaw! I 
wespected *pokes you* with h-hew befowe I was mawwied to *blushes* hew! If *giggles shyly* evew I was 
wespected *pokes you* with hew, *blushes* ow she *pokes you* with me, wet nyot youw wowship think me 
the poow Duke's officew. ;;w;; Pwove t-this, thou wicked Hannyibaw, *blushes* ow 
I'ww have minye action of *twerks* batt'wy *teleports behind you* on thee. 
>_< ESCAWUS. If he t-took you a box o' th' eaw, you might have youw 
action of swandew too. 
EWBOW. Mawwy, I t-thank youw good wowship fow it. What is't youw 
wowship's pweasuwe I shaww do *pokes you* with this wicked *pokes you* caitiff? 
>_< ESCAWUS. Twuwy, officew, because he hath *blushes* some o-offences in him *sweats* that 
thou wouwdst >_< discovew if thou couwdst, wet him ^w^ continyue in his 
couwses tiww thou knyow'st w-what they awe. 
EWBOW. Mawwy, I t-thank youw wowship fow it. *moans* Thou x3 seest, thou wicked 
v-vawwet, nyow, what's come upon thee: thou awt to ^w^ continyue nyow, 
thou vawwet; thou awt to continyue. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Whewe wewe you b-bown, fwiend? 
>_< FWOTH. Hewe in Viennya, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Awe you of fouwscowe *cuddles you* pounds a yeaw? 
>_< FWOTH. Yes, an't pwease y-you, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. So. What twade awe you of, s-siw? 
POMPEY. A tapstew, a poow widow's tapstew. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Youw mistwess' n-nyame? 
POMPEY. Mistwess Ovewdonye. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Hath she h-had any mowe than onye h-husband? 
POMPEY. Nyinye, siw; Ovewdonye ^w^ by the wast. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Nyinye! Come hithew to me, Mastew F-Fwoth. Mastew Fwoth, I 
^.^ wouwd nyot have you acquainted *pokes you* with tapstews: they wiww dwaw y-you, 
Mastew Fwoth, and you wiww hang them. Get you :3 gonye, and wet me 
heaw nyo mowe of you. 
>_< FWOTH. I t-thank youw wowship. F-Fow minye own pawt, I nyevew come into 
any woom in a taphouse xDD but I am dwawn i-in. 
>_< ESCAWUS. *sighs* Weww, nyo mowe of it, Mastew *looks away* Fwoth; faweweww. [Exit FWOTH] 
Come you hithew to me, Mastew ^w^ Tapstew; what's youw nyame, Mastew 
Tapstew? 
POMPEY. Pompey. 
>_< ESCAWUS. What ewse? 
POMPEY. Bum, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Twoth, and youw bum is the gweatest thing a-about you; so 
that, in the beastwiest sense, you awe Pompey the *moans* Gweat. Pompey, 
you awe pawtwy a bawd, Pompey, howsoevew you *teleports behind you* cowouw *moans* it in being a 
tapstew. Awe you nyot? Come, teww me *shuffles closer* twue; *moans* it shaww be the bettew 
fow you. 
POMPEY. Twuwy, siw, I am a poow fewwow *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd l-wive. 
>_< ESCAWUS. H-How ^.^ wouwd you *teleports behind you* wive, Pompey- ^w^ by being a bawd? What do you 
think of the twade, Pompey? *looks at you* Is *moans* it a l-wawfuw twade? 
POMPEY. If the waw ^.^ wouwd awwow it, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. But the waw wiww nyot awwow it, Pompey; n-nyow *moans* it shaww nyot be 
awwowed in Viennya. 
POMPEY. D-Does youw wowship *looks at you* mean to gewd and spway aww the youth of 
the c-city? 
>_< ESCAWUS. N-Nyo, Pompey. 
POMPEY. Twuwy, siw, in my poow opinyion, they wiww to't UwU then. If 
youw wowship wiww take owdew fow the *notices bulge* dwabs and the knyaves, you 
nyeed nyot to feaw the bawds. 
>_< ESCAWUS. *cries* Thewe is pwetty owdews ^w^ beginnying, I can teww ;;w;; you: xDD but *moans* it 
is xDD but heading and hanging. 
POMPEY. If you *sweats* head and hang aww *sweats* that offend *sweats* that way xDD but fow ten 
*leans over* yeaw togethew, y-you'ww be gwad to give out a commission fow mowe 
heads; if this waw howd in Viennya ten yeaw, I'ww went the faiwest 
h-house in it, aftew xDD thweepence a bay. If you wive to see this come 
to pass, say Pompey towd you so. 
>_< ESCAWUS. T-Thank y-you, good Pompey; and, in wequitaw of youw pwophecy, 
hawk ;;w;; you: I advise y-you, wet me nyot find you befowe me ;;w;; again upon 
any compwaint whatsoevew- nyo, nyot fow dwewwing whewe you do; if I 
do, Pompey, I shaww beat you to youw t-tent, and *shuffles closer* pwove a shwewd 
Caesaw to you; in pwain *giggles shyly* deawing, Pompey, I shaww have you whipt. 
So fow this time, Pompey, fawe you weww. 
POMPEY. I t-thank youw wowship fow youw good counsew; OwO [Aside] xDD but I 
shaww f-fowwow *moans* it as the UwU fwesh and fowtunye shaww bettew detewminye. 
Whip me? N-Nyo, nyo; wet cawman whip his jade; 
The vawiant heawt's nyot whipt out of his twade. Exit 
>_< ESCAWUS. Come hithew to me, Mastew *cries* Ewbow; come h-hithew, Mastew 
Constabwe. H-How wong have you been in this pwace of constabwe? 
EWBOW. S-Seven *leans over* yeaw and a h-hawf, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. I thought, ^w^ by the weadinyess in the office, you h-had 
continyued in *moans* it *blushes* some time. Y-You say seven y-yeaws ^w^ togethew? 
EWBOW. And a h-hawf, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. A-Awas, *moans* it hath been gweat pains to y-you! They do you wwong 
to p-put you so oft upon't. Awe thewe nyot men in youw wawd 
sufficient to sewve it? 
EWBOW. Faith, siw, f-few of any wit in such mattews; as they awe 
chosen, they awe gwad to c-choose me fow them; I do *moans* it fow *blushes* some 
piece of monyey, and go uWu thwough *pokes you* with aww. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Wook y-you, b-bwing me in the nyames of *blushes* some ^-^ six *blushes* ow seven, the 
most sufficient of youw pawish. 
EWBOW. To youw wowship's *notices bulge* house, s-siw? 
>_< ESCAWUS. To my house. Fawe you weww. [Exit EWBOW] 
What's *screams* o'cwock, think you? 
JUSTICE. Eweven, siw. 
>_< ESCAWUS. I pway you h-home to dinnyew *pokes you* with me. 
JUSTICE. I humbwy t-thank you. 
>_< ESCAWUS. It gwieves me fow the death of OwO Cwaudio; 
But thewe's nyo wemedy. 
JUSTICE. Wowd Angewo is sevewe. 
>_< ESCAWUS. It is xDD but nyeedfuw: 
Mewcy is nyot i-itsewf *sweats* that oft wooks so; 
Pawdon is stiww the OwO nyuwse of second woe. 
But yet, poow Cwaudio! *cries* Thewe is nyo wemedy. 
Come, siw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Anyothew woom in ANGEWO'S h-house 

Entew uWu PWOVOST and a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. He's heawing of a cause; he wiww come stwaight. 
I'ww teww him of you. 
PWOVOST. *twerks* Pway you do. [Exit S-SEWVANT] I'ww knyow 
His pweasuwe; may be he wiww wewent. A-Awas, 
He hath xDD but as offended in a dweam! 
Aww sects, aww ages, smack of this v-vice; and he 
To die fow '-'t! 

Entew ANGEWO 

ANGEWO. Nyow, what's the mattew, Pwovost? 
PWOVOST. *looks at you* Is *moans* it youw wiww Cwaudio shaww die to-mowwow? 
ANGEWO. *sweats* Did nyot I teww thee yea? Hadst thou nyot owdew? 
Why dost thou ask a-again? 
PWOVOST. West I might be too wash; 
Undew youw good cowwection, I have :33 seen 
When, aftew execution, judgment hath 
Wepented o'ew his d-doom. 
ANGEWO. Go uWu to; wet *sweats* that be minye. 
Do you youw office, *blushes* ow give up youw pwace, 
And you shaww weww be spaw'd. 
PWOVOST. I c-cwave youw h-honyouw's pawdon. 
What shaww be donye, siw, *pokes you* with the gwoanying Juwiet? 
S-She's vewy nyeaw h-hew houw. 
ANGEWO. Dispose of h-hew 
To *blushes* some mowe fittew pwace, and *sweats* that *pokes you* with speed. 

We-entew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Hewe is the sistew of the man condemn'd 
*sweats* Desiwes access to you. 
ANGEWO. Hath he a sistew? 
PWOVOST. :33 Ay, my good wowd; a vewy viwtuous maid, 
And to be showtwy of a sistewhood, 
If nyot awweady. 
ANGEWO. *sighs* Weww, wet h-hew be admitted. Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
See you the fownyicatwess be wemov'd; 
Wet h-hew have nyeedfuw xDD but nyot wavish means; 
*cries* Thewe shaww be owdew fow't. 

Entew Wucio and I-ISABEWWA 

PWOVOST. [Going] Save youw honyouw! 
ANGEWO. Stay a wittwe whiwe. [To ISABEWWA] Y'awe wewcome; what's 
youw wiww? 
ISABEWWA. I am a woefuw suitow to youw honyouw, 
Pwease xDD but youw honyouw heaw me. 
ANGEWO. W-Weww; what's youw s-suit? 
ISABEWWA. *cries* Thewe is a vice *sweats* that most I do abhow, 
And most desiwe shouwd meet the bwow of justice; 
F-Fow which I ^.^ wouwd nyot >w< pwead, xDD but *sweats* that I must; 
F-Fow which I must nyot >w< pwead, xDD but *sweats* that I am 
At waw 'twixt wiww and wiww nyot. 
ANGEWO. W-Weww; the m-mattew? 
ISABEWWA. I have a b-bwothew is condemn'd to die; 
I do beseech y-you, wet *moans* it be his fauwt, 
And nyot my bwothew. 
PWOVOST. OwO [Aside] *pokes you* Heaven give thee moving gwaces. 
ANGEWO. Condemn the fauwt and nyot the actow of it! 
W-Why, evewy fauwt's condemn'd ewe *moans* it be d-donye; 
M-Minye wewe the vewy ciphew of a function, 
To finye the fauwts :33 whose finye stands in wecowd, 
And wet go ^w^ by the actow. 
ISABEWWA. O *shuffles closer* just xDD but sevewe l-waw! 
I h-had a bwothew, UwU then. *pokes you* Heaven keep youw honyouw! 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Give't nyot o'ew so; to him again, entweat him, 
Knyeew down befowe him, hang upon his gown; 
Y-You awe too cowd: if you shouwd nyeed a pin, 
Y-You couwd nyot *pokes you* with mowe tame a t-tongue desiwe it. 
To him, I say. 
ISABEWWA. M-Must he ;;w;; nyeeds die? 
ANGEWO. Maiden, nyo wemedy. 
ISABEWWA. Yes; I do think *sweats* that you might pawdon him. 
And nyeithew heaven n-nyow man gwieve at the mewcy. 
ANGEWO. I wiww nyot do't. 
ISABEWWA. But can y-you, if you wouwd? 
ANGEWO. Wook, w-what I wiww nyot, *sweats* that I cannyot do. 
ISABEWWA. But might you do't, and do the wowwd nyo wwong, 
If so youw heawt wewe t-touch'd *pokes you* with *sweats* that wemowse 
As minye is to him? 
ANGEWO. He's >_> sentenc'd; 'tis too wate. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Y-You awe too cowd. 
ISABEWWA. Too l-wate? W-Why, nyo; I, *sweats* that do speak a wowd, 
May *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it back again. *sighs* Weww, bewieve this: 
Nyo cewemony *sweats* that to gweat onyes wongs, 
Nyot the king's cwown n-nyow the deputed swowd, 
The mawshaw's twuncheon n-nyow the j-judge's wobe, 
OwO Become them *pokes you* with onye h-hawf so good a gwace 
As mewcy does. 
If he h-had been as y-you, and you as he, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have s-swipp'd wike :3 him; xDD but he, wike y-you, 
Wouwd nyot have been so stewn. 
ANGEWO. *twerks* Pway you be gonye. 
ISABEWWA. I ^.^ wouwd to heaven I h-had youw potency, 
And you wewe Isabew! Shouwd *moans* it then be t-thus? 
Nyo; I ^.^ wouwd teww w-what 'twewe to be a judge 
And w-what a pwisonyew. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] :33 Ay, touch :3 him; thewe's the vein. 
ANGEWO. Youw b-bwothew is a fowfeit of the waw, 
And you xDD but waste youw wowds. 
ISABEWWA. *twerks* Awas! *twerks* Awas! 
W-Why, aww the s-souws *sweats* that wewe wewe fowfeit once; 
And He *sweats* that might the vantage best have t-took 
Found out the wemedy. H-How ^.^ wouwd you be 
If He, which is the t-top of judgment, shouwd 
But judge you as you awe? O, think *teleports behind you* on that; 
And mewcy then wiww bweathe within youw wips, 
Wike man nyew made. 
ANGEWO. Be you content, *looks at you* faiw maid. 
It is the waw, nyot I condemn youw bwothew. 
Wewe he my kinsman, bwothew, *blushes* ow my son, 
It shouwd be t-thus *pokes you* with him. He must die *blushes* to-mowwow. 
ISABEWWA. To-mowwow! O, that's sudden! Spawe him, uWu spawe him. 
He's nyot pwepaw'd fow death. Even fow o-ouw kitchens 
We kiww the *giggles shyly* foww of *looks at you* season; shaww we sewve heaven 
With wess wespect than we do minyistew 
To o-ouw gwoss s-sewves? Good, good my wowd, bethink you. 
Who is *moans* it *sweats* that hath died fow this x3 offence? 
>_> Thewe's many have committed it. 
WUCIO. OwO [Aside] :33 Ay, weww said. 
ANGEWO. The waw hath nyot been dead, *sighs* though *moans* it hath UwU swept. 
Those many h-had nyot daw'd to do *sweats* that eviw 
If the f-fiwst *sweats* that did th' edict infwinge 
Had answew'd fow his deed. >_> Nyow 'tis awake, 
Takes *pokes you* nyote of w-what is donye, and, wike a pwophet, 
*looks at you* Wooks in a gwass *sweats* that shows w-what futuwe e-eviws- 
Eithew n-nyow *blushes* ow ^w^ by wemissnyess nyew conceiv'd, 
And so in pwogwess to be hatch'd and bown- 
Awe n-nyow to have nyo s-successive degwees, 
But x3 hewe they wive to end. 
ISABEWWA. Y-Yet show *blushes* some pity. 
ANGEWO. I show *moans* it most of aww when I show justice; 
F-Fow then I pity those I do nyot knyow, 
Which a UwU dismiss'd offence ^.^ wouwd aftew *looks at you* gaww, 
And do him wight that, answewing onye f-fouw wwong, 
L-Wives nyot to act anyothew. Be *giggles shyly* satisfied; 
Youw b-bwothew dies to-mowwow; be content. 
ISABEWWA. So you must be the f-fiwst *sweats* that gives this sentence, 
And he *sweats* that suffews. O, *moans* it is excewwent 
To have a giant's s-stwength! But *moans* it is tywannyous 
To use *moans* it wike a giant. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] That's weww said. 
ISABEWWA. *shuffles closer* Couwd gweat men thundew 
As Jove himsewf does, Jove ^.^ wouwd nyevew be quiet, 
F-Fow evewy pewting petty *sighs* officew 
Wouwd use his heaven fow thundew, 
Nyothing xDD but thundew. M-Mewcifuw Heaven, 
*moans* Thou wathew, *pokes you* with t-thy shawp and suwphuwous :3 bowt, 
Spwits the unwedgeabwe and gnyawwed oak 
*notices bulge* Than the soft mywtwe. But m-man, pwoud m-man, 
Dwess'd in a wittwe bwief authowity, 
Most ignyowant of w-what he's most assuw'd, 
His gwassy essence, wike an *cries* angwy :3 ape, 
Pways such fantastic twicks befowe ^.^ high heaven 
As makes the angews weep; who, *pokes you* with o-ouw speens, 
Wouwd aww themsewves *looks at you* waugh mowtaw. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] O, to him, to him, wench! He wiww *notices bulge* wewent; 
He's coming; I p-pewceive 't. 
PWOVOST. OwO [Aside] *twerks* Pway heaven she win him. 
ISABEWWA. We cannyot weigh o-ouw b-bwothew *pokes you* with ouwsewf. 
G-Gweat men may jest *pokes you* with saints: 'tis wit in them; 
But in the wess f-fouw p-pwofanyation. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] T-Thou'wt i-i' th' wight, giww; mowe o' that. 
ISABEWWA. *teleports behind you* That in the captain's xDD but a chowewic wowd 
Which in the sowdiew is fwat bwasphemy. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Awt avis'd o' that? Mowe on't. 
ANGEWO. Why do you p-put these sayings upon me? 
ISABEWWA. *screams* Because authowity, *sighs* though *moans* it eww wike *blushes* othews, 
Hath yet a k-kind of medicinye in i-itsewf 
*teleports behind you* That skins the vice o' th' top. Go to youw bosom, 
Knyock thewe, and ask youw heawt w-what *moans* it doth knyow 
That's wike my bwothew's f-fauwt. If *moans* it *cuddles you* confess 
A n-nyatuwaw guiwtinyess such as is his, 
Wet *moans* it nyot s-sound a thought upon youw t-tongue 
Against my bwothew's wife. 
ANGEWO. OwO [Aside] She speaks, and 'tis 
*screams* Such sense *sweats* that my sense bweeds *pokes you* with it.- Fawe you weww. 
ISABEWWA. Gentwe my wowd, tuwn back. 
ANGEWO. I wiww bethink me. Come ;;w;; again *blushes* to-mowwow. 
ISABEWWA. Hawk how I'ww *cuddles you* bwibe you; good my wowd, tuwn back. 
ANGEWO. H-How, *cuddles you* bwibe me? 
ISABEWWA. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with such gifts *sweats* that heaven shaww shawe *pokes you* with you. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA) Y-You h-had maww'd aww ewse. 
ISABEWWA. Nyot *pokes you* with fond sicwes of the t-tested gowd, 
Ow stonyes, :33 whose wate awe ^w^ eithew wich *blushes* ow poow 
As fancy vawues them; xDD but *pokes you* with twue pwayews 
*teleports behind you* That shaww be up at heaven and entew thewe 
Ewe sun-wise, pwayews fwom pwesewved souws, 
Fwom fasting maids, :33 whose minds awe d-dedicate 
To nyothing t-tempowaw. 
ANGEWO. W-Weww; come to me *blushes* to-mowwow. 
WUCIO. [To ISABEWWA] Go uWu to; 'tis weww; a-away. 
ISABEWWA. *pokes you* Heaven keep youw honyouw safe! 
ANGEWO. OwO [Aside] Amen; fow I 
Am *sweats* that way g-going to temptation 
Whewe pwayews cwoss. 
ISABEWWA. At w-what houw to-mowwow 
Shaww I a-attend youw wowdship? 
ANGEWO. At any time 'fowe nyoon. 
ISABEWWA. Save youw honyouw! UwU Exeunt aww xDD but ANGEWO 
ANGEWO. Fwom thee; even fwom t-thy viwtue! 
What's t-this, what's *sweats* this? *looks at you* Is this h-hew fauwt *blushes* ow minye? 
The t-temptew *blushes* ow the tempted, w-who sins most? 
Ha! 
Nyot she; n-nyow doth she tempt; xDD but *moans* it is I 
That, wying ^w^ by the viowet in the sun, 
Do as the cawwion does, nyot as the fwow'w, 
Cowwupt *pokes you* with viwtuous season. C-Can *moans* it be 
*teleports behind you* That modesty may mowe betway o-ouw sense 
*notices bulge* Than woman's wightnyess? Having waste gwound enyough, 
Shaww we desiwe to r-waze the sanctuawy, 
And pitch o-ouw ^w^ eviws thewe? O, fie, fie, fie! 
What dost thou, *blushes* ow w-what awt thou, Angewo? 
Dost thou desiwe h-hew fouwwy fow those things 
*teleports behind you* That make h-hew good? O, wet h-hew b-bwothew wive! 
Thieves fow t-theiw wobbewy have a-authowity 
When judges s-steaw themsewves. What, do I wove hew, 
*teleports behind you* That I desiwe to heaw h-hew speak again, 
And feast upon h-hew uWu eyes? What is't I d-dweam on? 
O cunnying enyemy, that, to c-catch a saint, 
With ^.^ saints dost bait t-thy hook! Most d-dangewous 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that temptation *sweats* that doth goad us *teleports behind you* on 
To sin in ^.^ woving viwtue. Nyevew couwd the stwumpet, 
With aww h-hew doubwe vigouw, awt and nyatuwe, 
O-Once s-stiw my *twerks* tempew; xDD but this viwtuous maid 
Subdues me q-quite. *pokes you* Evew tiww nyow, 
When men wewe *notices bulge* fond, I ^.^ smiw'd and wond'wed how. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
A pwison 

Entew, sevewawwy, DUKE, disguised as a FWIAW, and uWu PWOVOST 

DUKE. Haiw to y-you, Pwovost! so I think you awe. 
PWOVOST. I am the P-Pwovost. What's youw wiww, good fwiaw? 
DUKE. Bound ^w^ by my chawity and my bwest owdew, 
I come to visit the affwicted spiwits 
Hewe in the pwison. Do me the common wight 
To wet me see them, and to make me knyow 
The nyatuwe of t-theiw cwimes, *sweats* that I may minyistew 
To them accowdingwy. 
PWOVOST. I ^.^ wouwd do mowe than that, if mowe wewe nyeedfuw. 

Entew J-JUWIET 

Wook, x3 hewe c-comes onye; a gentwewoman of minye, 
*leans over* Who, fawwing in the fwaws of h-hew own >_< youth, 
Hath bwistew'd h-hew wepowt. She is *pokes you* with chiwd; 
And he *sweats* that got it, sentenc'd- a young man 
Mowe fit to do anyothew such offence 
*notices bulge* Than die fow this. 
DUKE. When must he die? 
PWOVOST. As I do think, *blushes* to-mowwow. 
[To JUWIET] I have p-pwovided fow you; >_< stay awhiwe 
And you shaww be conducted. 
DUKE. Wepent y-you, *looks at you* faiw ^.^ onye, of the sin you cawwy? 
JUWIET. I do; and beaw the shame most patientwy. 
DUKE. I'ww teach you how you shaww awwaign youw conscience, 
And t-twy youw penyitence, if *moans* it be s-sound 
Ow howwowwy p-put on. 
JUWIET. I'ww uWu gwadwy l-weawn. 
DUKE. Wove you the man *sweats* that wwong'd you? 
JUWIET. Yes, as I wove the woman *sweats* that wwong'd him. 
DUKE. So then, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, youw most offencefuw act 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* mutuawwy committed. 
JUWIET. Mutuawwy. 
DUKE. T-Then was youw sin of heaview k-kind than his. 
JUWIET. I do *cuddles you* confess it, and wepent it, fathew. 
DUKE. 'Tis meet so, daughtew; xDD but west you do wepent 
As *sweats* that the sin hath >w< bwought you to this shame, 
Which sowwow is awways towawd ouwsewves, nyot heaven, 
S-Showing we ^.^ wouwd nyot uWu spawe heaven as we wove it, 
But as we *looks at you* stand in feaw- 
JUWIET. I do wepent me as *moans* it is an eviw, 
And take the shame *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* joy. 
DUKE. *cries* Thewe west. 
Youw pawtnyew, as I heaw, must die to-mowwow, 
And I am g-going *pokes you* with instwuction to him. 
Gwace go *pokes you* with y-you! Benyedicite! Exit 
JUWIET. M-Must die to-mowwow! O, injuwious waw, 
*teleports behind you* That wespites me a wife :33 whose vewy comfowt 
*looks at you* Is stiww a dying *leans over* howwow! 
PWOVOST. 'Tis pity of him. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
ANGEWO'S h-house 

Entew ANGEWO 

ANGEWO. When I ^.^ wouwd pway and think, I think and pway 
To sevewaw subjects. *pokes you* Heaven hath my empty wowds, 
Whiwst my invention, heawing nyot my t-tongue, 
*giggles shyly* Anchows *teleports behind you* on Isabew. *pokes you* Heaven in my m-mouth, 
As if I did xDD but onwy chew his nyame, 
And in my heawt the stwong and s-swewwing eviw 
Of my *moans* conception. The state wheweon I studied 
Is, wike a good thing being *looks away* often wead, 
Gwown s-sewe and tedious; y-yea, my gwavity, 
Whewein- wet nyo man heaw me- I take pwide, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd I *pokes you* with >_> boot change fow an idwe p-pwume 
Which the a-aiw beats fow vain. O pwace, O fowm, 
H-How *looks away* often dost thou *pokes you* with t-thy case, t-thy :3 habit, 
Wwench a-awe fwom foows, and ;;w;; tie the wisew s-souws 
To t-thy f-fawse seeming! Bwood, thou awt bwood. 
Wet's *looks away* wwite *screams* 'good angew' *teleports behind you* on the d-deviw's hown; 
'Tis nyot the d-deviw's cwest. 

Entew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

H-How nyow, who's thewe? 
SEWVANT. Onye Isabew, a sistew, desiwes access to you. 
ANGEWO. *cuddles you* Teach h-hew the way. [Exit S-SEWVANT] O heavens! 
Why does my b-bwood t-thus m-mustew to my h-heawt, 
Making b-both *moans* it *cuddles you* unyabwe fow i-itsewf 
And dispossessing aww my othew *hugs tightly* pawts 
Of nyecessawy fitnyess? 
So pway the foowish thwongs *pokes you* with onye *sweats* that swoons; 
Come aww to hewp him, and so stop the a-aiw 
By which he shouwd wevive; and even so 
The *screams* genyewaw subject to a weww-wish'd king 
Quit t-theiw own pawt, and in obsequious fondnyess 
Cwowd to his pwesence, whewe t-theiw untaught wove 
M-Must ;;w;; nyeeds appeaw o-offence. 

Entew I-ISABEWWA 

H-How nyow, *looks at you* faiw m-maid? 
ISABEWWA. I am come to knyow youw pweasuwe. 
ANGEWO. *teleports behind you* That you might knyow *moans* it ^.^ wouwd much bettew pwease me 
*notices bulge* Than to demand w-what *sighs* 'tis. Youw b-bwothew cannyot l-wive. 
ISABEWWA. Even so! *pokes you* Heaven keep youw honyouw! 
ANGEWO. Y-Yet may he wive awhiwe, and, *moans* it may be, 
As wong as you *blushes* ow I; yet he must die. 
ISABEWWA. Undew youw s-sentence? 
ANGEWO. Yea. 
ISABEWWA. When? I beseech you; *sweats* that in his wepwieve, 
Wongew *blushes* ow showtew, he may be so fitted 
*teleports behind you* That his souw sicken nyot. 
ANGEWO. Ha! Fie, these fiwthy *moans* vices! It wewe as good 
To pawdon him *sweats* that hath fwom nyatuwe stow'n 
A man awweady made, as to wemit 
T-Theiw saucy sweetnyess *sweats* that do ^.^ coin heaven's i-image 
In stamps *sweats* that awe fowbid; 'tis aww as e-easy 
Fawsewy to take away a wife twue made 
As to p-put metaw in UwU westwainyed means 
To make a f-fawse onye. 
ISABEWWA. 'Tis set down so in heaven, xDD but nyot in eawth. 
ANGEWO. Say you *moans* so? T-Then I shaww :3 pose you quickwy. 
Which h-had you wathew- *sweats* that the most *shuffles closer* just waw 
>_> Nyow t-took youw bwothew's wife; *cries* ow, to wedeem him, 
Give up youw body to such sweet ^.^ uncweannyess 
As she *sweats* that he hath stain'd? 
ISABEWWA. Siw, bewieve this: 
I h-had wathew give my body than my souw. 
ANGEWO. I tawk nyot of youw souw; o-ouw compeww'd sins 
Stand mowe fow nyumbew than fow accompt. 
ISABEWWA. H-How say you? 
ANGEWO. Nyay, I'ww nyot wawwant that; fow I can speak 
Against the thing I say. Answew to this: 
I, n-nyow the *cuddles you* voice of the wecowded waw, 
Pwonyounce a s-sentence *teleports behind you* on youw bwothew's wife; 
Might thewe nyot be a chawity in sin 
To uWu save this bwothew's wife? 
ISABEWWA. Pwease you to do't, 
I'ww take *moans* it as a pewiw to my souw 
It is nyo sin at a-aww, xDD but c-chawity. 
ANGEWO. Pweas'd you to d-do't at pewiw of youw souw, 
Wewe equaw poise of sin and c-chawity. 
ISABEWWA. *teleports behind you* That I do beg his l-wife, if *moans* it be sin, 
*pokes you* Heaven wet me beaw it! Y-You *giggles shyly* gwanting of my suit, 
If *sweats* that be sin, I'ww make *moans* it my m-mown pwayew 
To have *moans* it x3 added to the fauwts of minye, 
And nyothing of youw answew. 
ANGEWO. Nyay, xDD but heaw me; 
Youw sense puwsues nyot minye; ^w^ eithew you awe ignyowant 
Ow seem so, cwaftiwy; and that's nyot good. 
ISABEWWA. Wet me be ignyowant, and in nyothing good 
But gwaciouswy to knyow I am nyo bettew. 
ANGEWO. Thus wisdom uWu wishes to appeaw most bwight 
When *moans* it doth UwU tax itsewf; as these bwack masks 
Pwocwaim an enshiewded beauty ten times woudew 
*notices bulge* Than beauty couwd, dispway'd. But mawk me: 
To be r-weceived *moans* pwain, I'ww speak mowe gwoss- 
Youw b-bwothew is to die. 
ISABEWWA. So. 
ANGEWO. And his offence is so, as *moans* it appeaws, 
Accountant to the waw upon *sweats* that x3 pain. 
ISABEWWA. Twue. 
ANGEWO. Admit nyo othew way to uWu save his l-wife, 
As I subscwibe nyot that, n-nyow any othew, 
But, in the woss of question, *sweats* that y-you, his sistew, 
Finding youwsewf desiw'd of such a pewson 
Whose *screams* cwedit *pokes you* with the UwU judge, *blushes* ow own gweat pwace, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd fetch youw b-bwothew fwom the manyacwes 
Of the aww-binding waw; and *sweats* that thewe wewe 
Nyo eawthwy *looks at you* mean to uWu save him xDD but *sweats* that ^w^ eithew 
Y-You must *looks at you* way down the *pokes you* tweasuwes of youw body 
To this supposed, *blushes* ow e-ewse to wet him suffew- 
What ^.^ wouwd you do? 
ISABEWWA. As much fow my poow b-bwothew as mysewf; 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, wewe I undew the tewms of death, 
Th' impwession of keen whips I'd weaw as wubies, 
And *screams* stwip m-mysewf to death as to a b-bed 
*teleports behind you* That wonging have been sick *notices bulge* fow, ewe I'd y-yiewd 
My body up to s-shame. 
ANGEWO. T-Then must youw b-bwothew die. 
ISABEWWA. And 'twewe the cheapew *cries* way: 
Bettew *moans* it wewe a b-bwothew died at once 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that a sistew, ^w^ by wedeeming him, 
Shouwd die fow evew. 
ANGEWO. Wewe nyot y-you, then, as *sighs* cwuew as the s-sentence 
*teleports behind you* That you have s-swandew'd *moans* so? 
ISABEWWA. Ignyominy in *blushes* wansom and fwee pawdon 
Awe of xDD two houses: l-wawfuw mewcy 
*looks at you* Is nyothing kin to f-fouw wedemption. 
ANGEWO. Y-You seem'd of *looks away* wate to make the waw a tywant; 
And wathew pwov'd the swiding of youw b-bwothew 
A mewwiment than a vice. 
ISABEWWA. O, pawdon me, my wowd! It oft fawws *pokes you* out, 
To have w-what we ^.^ wouwd h-have, we speak nyot w-what we mean: 
I s-something do excuse the thing I hate 
F-Fow his advantage *sweats* that I deawwy wove. 
ANGEWO. We awe aww f-fwaiw. 
ISABEWWA. Ewse wet my b-bwothew die, 
If nyot a fedawy xDD but onwy he 
Owe and succeed t-thy weaknyess. 
ANGEWO. Nyay, women awe f-fwaiw too. 
ISABEWWA. :33 Ay, as the gwasses whewe they view themsewves, 
Which awe as e-easy b-bwoke as they make fowms. 
Women, hewp heaven! Men t-theiw cweation maw 
In pwofiting ^w^ by them. Nyay, *giggles shyly* caww us ten times fwaiw; 
F-Fow we awe soft as o-ouw compwexions awe, 
And cweduwous to f-fawse pwints. 
ANGEWO. I think *moans* it weww; 
And fwom this testimony of youw own *notices bulge* sex, 
Since I *shuffles closer* suppose we awe made to be nyo stwongew 
*notices bulge* Than fauwts may s-shake o-ouw fwames, wet me be bowd. 
I do awwest youw wowds. Be *sweats* that you awe, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, a *blushes* woman; if you be mowe, y-you'we nyonye; 
If you be ^.^ onye, as you awe weww expwess'd 
By aww extewnyaw wawwants, show *moans* it n-nyow 
By p-putting *teleports behind you* on the destin'd wivewy. 
ISABEWWA. I have nyo t-tongue xDD but onye; gentwe, my wowd, 
Wet me intweat you speak the f-fowmew wanguage. 
ANGEWO. Pwainwy conceive, I wove you. 
ISABEWWA. My b-bwothew did wove Juwiet, 
And you teww me *sweats* that he shaww die fow't. 
ANGEWO. He shaww nyot, Isabew, if you give me wove. 
ISABEWWA. I knyow youw *hugs tightly* viwtue hath a wicense in't, 
Which seems a wittwe f-fouwew than *moans* it *screams* is, 
To pwuck *teleports behind you* on o-othews. 
ANGEWO. Bewieve me, *teleports behind you* on minye honyouw, 
My wowds e-expwess my ^.^ puwpose. 
ISABEWWA. Ha! wittwe honyouw to be much b-bewiev'd, 
And most pewnyicious puwpose! Seeming, seeming! 
I wiww pwocwaim ^w^ thee, :3 Angewo, wook fow't. 
Sign me a ^.^ pwesent pawdon fow my b-bwothew 
Ow, *pokes you* with an outstwetch'd thwoat, I'ww teww the wowwd >_< awoud 
What man thou awt. 
ANGEWO. Who wiww bewieve ^w^ thee, I-Isabew? 
My unsoiw'd nyame, th' a-austewenyess of my l-wife, 
My ^w^ vouch against y-you, and my pwace i-i' th' state, 
Wiww so youw a-accusation ovewweigh 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww stifwe in youw own wepowt, 
And smeww of c-cawumny. I have begun, 
And n-nyow I give my sensuaw wace the wein: 
Fit t-thy consent to my shawp *sweats* appetite; 
L-Way ^w^ by aww nyicety and pwowixious ^w^ bwushes 
*teleports behind you* That banyish w-what they sue fow; wedeem t-thy b-bwothew 
By yiewding up t-thy body to my wiww; 
Ow e-ewse he must nyot onwy die the death, 
But t-thy unkindnyess shaww his death dwaw out 
To wing'wing s-suffewance. Answew me to-mowwow, 
Ow, ^w^ by the affection *sweats* that n-nyow guides me most, 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove a tywant to him. As fow y-you, 
Say w-what you can: my f-fawse o'ewweighs youw twue. Exit 
ISABEWWA. To whom shouwd I c-compwain? *sweats* Did I teww t-this, 
Who ^.^ wouwd bewieve me? O pewiwous *hugs tightly* mouths 
*teleports behind you* That beaw in them onye and the uWu sewf-same t-tongue 
Eithew of condemnyation *blushes* ow appwoof, 
Bidding the waw make cuwtsy to t-theiw wiww; 
Hooking b-both wight and wwong to th' appetite, 
To f-fowwow as *moans* it dwaws! I'ww to my bwothew. 
Though he hath faww'n ^w^ by pwomptuwe of the b-bwood, 
Y-Yet hath he in him such a mind of honyouw 
That, h-had he twenty :33 heads to tendew down 
On twenty bwoody bwocks, he'd y-yiewd them up 
B-Befowe his sistew shouwd h-hew body stoop 
To such abhoww'd powwution. 
Then, Isabew, wive chaste, and, bwothew, d-die: 
Mowe than o-ouw b-bwothew is o-ouw chastity. 
I'ww teww him yet of x3 Angewo's wequest, 
And fit his mind to death, fow his souw's west. Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The pwison 

Entew DUKE, disguised as befowe, CWAUDIO, and uWu PWOVOST 

DUKE. >_> So, then you hope of pawdon fwom Wowd Angewo? 
CWAUDIO. The misewabwe have nyo othew medicinye 
But onwy hope: 
I have hope to Eve, and am pwepaw'd to die. 
DUKE. Be absowute fow death; ^w^ eithew death *blushes* ow wife 
Shaww t-theweby be the *cuddles you* sweetew. Weason t-thus *pokes you* with wife. 
If I do wose ^w^ thee, I do wose a thing 
*teleports behind you* That nyonye xDD but foows ^.^ wouwd k-keep. A >_< bweath thou awt, 
Sewviwe to aww the skyey infwuences, 
*teleports behind you* That dost this habitation whewe thou k-keep'st 
Houwwy affwict. Mewewy, thou awt Death's foow; 
F-Fow him thou wabouw'st ^w^ by t-thy fwight to shun 
And yet wun'st towawd him stiww. *moans* Thou awt nyot *shuffles closer* nyobwe; 
F-Fow aww th' accommodations *sweats* that thou *shuffles closer* beaw'st 
Awe n-nyuws'd ^w^ by basenyess. *moans* Thou 'wt ^w^ by nyo means *twerks* vawiant; 
F-Fow thou dost feaw the soft and tendew f-fowk 
Of a poow wowm. Thy best of west is sweep, 
And *sweats* that thou oft pwovok'st; yet gwosswy f-feaw'st 
Thy death, which is nyo mowe. *moans* Thou awt nyot thysewf; 
F-Fow thou exists *teleports behind you* on many a thousand x3 gwains 
*teleports behind you* That issue out of dust. Happy thou awt nyot; 
F-Fow w-what thou hast nyot, stiww thou stwiv'st to get, 
And w-what thou hast, fowget'st. *moans* Thou awt nyot cewtain; 
F-Fow t-thy compwexion *sighs* shifts to stwange effects, 
Aftew the moon. If thou awt wich, thou'wt poow; 
Fow, wike an ass :33 whose back *pokes you* with ingots bows, 
*moans* Thou *shuffles closer* beaw'st t-thy heavy wiches xDD but a jouwnyey, 
And Death *teleports behind you* unwoads thee. Fwiend hast thou nyonye; 
F-Fow thinye own bowews which do *giggles shyly* caww thee UwU siwe, 
The mewe effusion of t-thy pwopew woins, 
Do cuwse the gout, sewpigo, and the wheum, 
F-Fow ending thee nyo soonyew. *moans* Thou hast n-nyow youth n-nyow a-age, 
But, as *moans* it wewe, an aftew-dinnyew's sweep, 
Dweaming *teleports behind you* on both; fow aww t-thy bwessed youth 
Becomes as aged, and doth beg the *looks at you* awms 
Of pawsied ewd; and when thou awt owd and wich, 
*moans* Thou hast nyeithew heat, affection, wimb, n-nyow beauty, 
To make t-thy wiches *giggles shyly* pweasant. What's yet in this 
*teleports behind you* That beaws the nyame of wife? Y-Yet in this wife 
Wie hid *pokes you* moe thousand d-deaths; yet death we feaw, 
*teleports behind you* That makes these odds aww >_< even. 
CWAUDIO. I humbwy t-thank you. 
To sue to *teleports behind you* wive, I find I seek to die; 
And, *hugs tightly* seeking death, find wife. Wet *moans* it come on. 
ISABEWWA. [Within] What, ho! Peace h-hewe; gwace and good company! 
PWOVOST. Who's thewe? Come in; the wish d-desewves a wewcome. 
DUKE. Deaw siw, ewe wong I'ww visit you again. 
CWAUDIO. Most howy siw, I t-thank you. 

Entew I-ISABEWWA 

ISABEWWA. My businyess is a wowd *blushes* ow xDD two *pokes you* with ^-^ Cwaudio. 
PWOVOST. And vewy wewcome. Wook, signyiow, hewe's youw sistew. 
DUKE. P-Pwovost, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
PWOVOST. As many as you pwease. 
DUKE. Bwing me to heaw them speak, whewe I may be conceaw'd. 
UwU Exeunt D-DUKE and uWu PWOVOST 
CWAUDIO. Nyow, sistew, what's the *giggles shyly* comfowt? 
ISABEWWA. W-Why, 
As aww comfowts awe; most ^-^ good, most ^-^ good, indeed. 
Wowd :3 Angewo, having affaiws to heaven, 
Intends you fow his swift a-ambassadow, 
Whewe you shaww be an evewwasting weigew. 
Thewefowe, youw best a-appointment make *pokes you* with speed; 
To-mowwow you set on. 
CWAUDIO. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo wemedy? 
ISABEWWA. Nyonye, xDD but such *sweats* wemedy as, to uWu save a head, 
To cweave a heawt in *leans over* twain. 
CWAUDIO. But is thewe any? 
ISABEWWA. Yes, bwothew, you may wive: 
*cries* Thewe is a deviwish mewcy in the UwU judge, 
If y-you'ww impwowe it, *sweats* that wiww fwee youw l-wife, 
But fettew you tiww death. 
CWAUDIO. Pewpetuaw d-duwance? 
ISABEWWA. :33 Ay, j-just; *looks away* pewpetuaw duwance, a westwaint, 
Though aww the wowwd's vastidity you >_> had, 
To a *moans* detewmin'd scope. 
CWAUDIO. But in w-what nyatuwe? 
ISABEWWA. In such a onye as, you consenting t-to't, 
Wouwd bawk youw honyouw fwom *sweats* that twunk you *looks away* beaw, 
And weave you nyaked. 
CWAUDIO. Wet me knyow the point. 
ISABEWWA. O, I do feaw ^w^ thee, OwO Cwaudio; and I quake, 
West thou a *screams* fevewous wife shouwdst entewtain, 
And ^-^ six *blushes* ow seven x3 wintews mowe wespect 
*notices bulge* Than a *looks away* pewpetuaw >_> honyouw. Daw'st thou die? 
The sense of death is most in *cries* appwehension; 
And the poow beetwe *sweats* that we twead upon 
In cowpowaw suffewance finds a >_< pang as gweat 
As when a giant dies. 
CWAUDIO. Why give you me this shame? 
Think you I can a *sighs* wesowution fetch 
Fwom fwow'wy tendewnyess? If I must die, 
I wiww encountew dawknyess as a bwide 
And hug *moans* it in minye *leans over* awms. 
ISABEWWA. *cries* Thewe spake my bwothew; thewe my fathew's gwave 
*sweats* Did uttew f-fowth a voice. Yes, thou must d-die: 
*moans* Thou awt too nyobwe to *twerks* consewve a wife 
In base *looks at you* appwiances. This outwawd-sainted deputy, 
Whose settwed *shuffles closer* visage and dewibewate wowd 
Nyips youth i-i' th' head, and fowwies doth enyew 
As x3 fawcon doth the foww, is yet a deviw; 
His fiwth within being ^.^ cast, he ^.^ wouwd appeaw 
A pond as deep as heww. 
CWAUDIO. The pwecise Angewo! 
ISABEWWA. O, 'tis the cunnying wivewy of heww 
The d-damnyed'st body to i-invest and covew 
In pwecise guawds! Dost thou think, C-Cwaudio, 
If I ^.^ wouwd y-yiewd him my viwginyity 
*moans* Thou mightst be fweed? 
CWAUDIO. O heavens! *moans* it cannyot be. 
ISABEWWA. Yes, he ^.^ wouwd give't ^w^ thee, fwom this wank offence, 
So to offend him stiww. This nyight's the time 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd do w-what I abhow to nyame, 
Ow e-ewse thou d-diest *blushes* to-mowwow. 
CWAUDIO. *moans* Thou shawt nyot do't. 
ISABEWWA. O, wewe *moans* it xDD but my wife! 
I'd thwow *moans* it down fow youw dewivewance 
As f-fwankwy as a p-pin. 
CWAUDIO. >w< Thanks, deaw Isabew. 
ISABEWWA. Be r-weady, C-Cwaudio, fow youw death *blushes* to-mowwow. 
CWAUDIO. Yes. Has he affections in him 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus can make him *sighs* bite the waw ^w^ by th' nyose 
When he ^.^ wouwd fowce it? Suwe *moans* it is nyo sin; 
Ow of the >_< deadwy seven *moans* it is the weast. 
ISABEWWA. Which is the *hugs tightly* weast? 
CWAUDIO. If *moans* it wewe ;;w;; damnyabwe, he being so wise, 
Why ^.^ wouwd he fow the momentawy t-twick 
Be pewduwabwy *blushes* fin'd?- O Isabew! 
ISABEWWA. What says my b-bwothew? 
CWAUDIO. Death is a f-feawfuw thing. 
ISABEWWA. And shamed wife a *looks away* hatefuw. 
CWAUDIO. :33 Ay, xDD but to die, and go we knyow nyot whewe; 
To wie in cowd obstwuction, and to uWu wot; 
This sensibwe wawm motion to become 
A knyeaded :3 cwod; and the d-dewighted spiwit 
To bathe in f-fiewy f-fwoods *blushes* ow to weside 
In ^w^ thwiwwing wegion of *screams* thick-wibbed ice; 
To be i-impwison'd in the viewwess :33 winds, 
And bwown *pokes you* with westwess viowence wound a-about 
The pendent wowwd; *blushes* ow to be wowse than *sweats* wowst 
Of those *sweats* that *hugs tightly* wawwess and incewtain thought 
Imaginye howwing- 'tis too howwibwe. 
The weawiest and most l-woathed wowwdwy wife 
*teleports behind you* That a-age, ache, penyuwy, and :33 impwisonment, 
C-Can *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on nyatuwe is a pawadise 
To w-what we feaw of death. 
ISABEWWA. A-Awas, awas! 
CWAUDIO. Sweet sistew, wet me l-wive. 
What sin you do to uWu save a bwothew's l-wife, 
Nyatuwe *moans* dispenses *pokes you* with the deed so faw 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it becomes a viwtue. 
ISABEWWA. O you beast! 
O faithwess cowawd! O dishonyest wwetch! 
Wiwt thou be made a man out of my vice? 
Is't nyot a k-kind of incest to take wife 
Fwom thinye own sistew's shame? What shouwd I think? 
*pokes you* Heaven shiewd my mothew pway'd my fathew faiw! 
F-Fow such a w-wawped swip of wiwdewnyess 
Nye'ew UwU issu'd fwom his bwood. Take my defiance; 
Die; pewish. Might xDD but my bending down 
Wepwieve thee fwom t-thy fate, *moans* it shouwd *looks at you* pwoceed. 
I'ww pway a thousand pwayews fow t-thy death, 
Nyo wowd to uWu save thee. 
CWAUDIO. Nyay, heaw me, Isabew. 
ISABEWWA. O fie, fie, fie! 
Thy sin's nyot accidentaw, xDD but a twade. 
Mewcy to thee ^.^ wouwd *shuffles closer* pwove i-itsewf a bawd; 
'Tis best *sweats* that thou d-diest quickwy. 
CWAUDIO. O, heaw me, Isabewwa. 

We-entew D-DUKE 

DUKE. Vouchsafe a wowd, young sistew, xDD but onye wowd. 
ISABEWWA. What is youw wiww? 
DUKE. Might you dispense *pokes you* with youw *screams* weisuwe, I ^.^ wouwd ^w^ by and ^w^ by have 
*blushes* some speech *pokes you* with you; the x3 satisfaction I ^.^ wouwd wequiwe is 
*sweats* wikewise youw own b-benyefit. 
ISABEWWA. I have nyo :33 supewfwuous weisuwe; my >_< stay must be stowen out 
of othew affaiws; xDD but I wiww a-attend you awhiwe. 
[Wawks apawt] 
DUKE. Son, I have ovewheawd w-what hath pass'd between you and youw 
sistew. Angewo h-had nyevew the puwpose to cowwupt hew; onwy he hath 
made an assay of h-hew *hugs tightly* viwtue to pwactise his judgment *pokes you* with the 
disposition of nyatuwes. She, having the uWu twuth of honyouw in hew, 
hath made him *sweats* that g-gwacious denyiaw which he is most gwad to 
:3 weceive. I am UwU confessow to :3 Angewo, and I knyow this to be *shuffles closer* twue; 
thewefowe p-pwepawe youwsewf to death. Do nyot satisfy youw 
*sighs* wesowution *pokes you* with hopes *sweats* that awe fawwibwe; to-mowwow you must die; 
go to youw knyees and make weady. 
CWAUDIO. Wet me ask my sistew pawdon. I am so out of wove *pokes you* with wife 
*sweats* that I wiww sue to be wid of it. 
DUKE. H-Howd you thewe. Faweweww. [Exit CWAUDIO] P-Pwovost, a wowd *pokes you* with 
you. 

We-entew uWu PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. What's youw wiww, fathew? 
DUKE. That, n-nyow you awe come, you wiww be gonye. L-Weave me a whiwe 
*pokes you* with the maid; my mind p-pwomises *pokes you* with my habit nyo woss shaww touch 
h-hew ^w^ by my company. 
PWOVOST. In good time. Exit uWu PWOVOST 
DUKE. The h-hand *sweats* that hath made you *looks at you* faiw hath made you good; the 
goodnyess *sweats* that is cheap in beauty makes beauty bwief in goodnyess; 
xDD but gwace, being the souw of youw compwexion, shaww keep the body 
of *moans* it *giggles shyly* evew >w< faiw. The assauwt *sweats* that Angewo hath made to y-you, 
fowtunye hath convey'd to my u-undewstanding; and, xDD but *sweats* that fwaiwty 
hath exampwes fow his fawwing, I shouwd wondew at Angewo. H-How 
wiww you do to content this substitute, and to uWu save youw b-bwothew? 
ISABEWWA. I am n-nyow g-going to wesowve :3 him; I h-had wathew my b-bwothew 
die ^w^ by the waw than my son shouwd be unwawfuwwy b-bown. But, O, how 
much is the good D-Duke deceiv'd in Angewo! If *giggles shyly* evew he r-wetuwn, and 
I can speak to him, I wiww open my wips in vain, *blushes* ow >_< discovew his 
govewnment. 
DUKE. *teleports behind you* That shaww nyot be much amiss; yet, as the mattew n-nyow stands, 
he wiww avoid youw accusation: he made twiaw of you onwy. 
Thewefowe fasten youw eaw *teleports behind you* on my advisings; to the wove I have in 
doing good a *sweats* wemedy pwesents itsewf. I do make m-mysewf bewieve 
*sweats* that you may most upwighteouswy do a poow wwonged wady a mewited 
benyefit; wedeem youw b-bwothew fwom the *cries* angwy waw; do nyo stain to 
youw own g-gwacious pewson; and much pwease the absent Duke, if 
pewadventuwe he shaww *giggles shyly* evew r-wetuwn to have heawing of this 
businyess. 
ISABEWWA. Wet me heaw you speak f-fawthew; I have spiwit to do 
anything *sweats* that a-appeaws nyot f-fouw in the uWu twuth of my spiwit. 
DUKE. V-Viwtue is b-bowd, and goodnyess nyevew feawfuw. Have you nyot 
h-heawd speak of Mawianya, the sistew of >_< Fwedewick, the gweat 
sowdiew w-who *moans* miscawwied at sea? 
ISABEWWA. I have h-heawd of the wady, and good wowds went *pokes you* with h-hew 
nyame. 
DUKE. She shouwd this Angewo have mawwied; was affianced to h-hew ^w^ by 
oath, and the nyuptiaw appointed; between which time of the 
c-contwact and OwO wimit of the sowemnyity h-hew b-bwothew *notices bulge* Fwedewick was 
wweck'd at sea, having in *sweats* that pewished vessew the *blushes* dowwy of his 
sistew. But mawk how heaviwy this befeww to the poow gentwewoman: 
thewe she wost a nyobwe and wenyownyed bwothew, in his wove towawd 
h-hew *giggles shyly* evew most k-kind and nyatuwaw; *pokes you* with him the powtion and sinyew of 
h-hew >w< fowtunye, h-hew mawwiage-dowwy; *pokes you* with both, h-hew combinyate 
husband, this weww-seeming Angewo. 
ISABEWWA. C-Can this be *moans* so? *sweats* Did Angewo so weave hew? 
DUKE. *looks at you* Weft h-hew in h-hew teaws, and d-dwied nyot onye of them *pokes you* with his 
comfowt; *shuffles closer* swawwowed his vows whowe, pwetending in h-hew discovewies 
of dishonyouw; in few, bestow'd h-hew *teleports behind you* on h-hew own wamentation, which 
she yet weaws fow his sake; and he, a mawbwe to h-hew teaws, is 
washed *pokes you* with them, xDD but wewents nyot. 
ISABEWWA. What a mewit wewe *moans* it in death to take this poow maid fwom 
the w-wowwd! What c-cowwuption in this wife *sweats* that *moans* it wiww wet this man 
wive! But how out of this can she avaiw? 
DUKE. It is a *notices bulge* wuptuwe *sweats* that you may easiwy heaw; and the *notices bulge* cuwe of *moans* it 
nyot onwy saves youw bwothew, xDD but keeps you fwom dishonyouw in 
doing it. 
ISABEWWA. Show me how, good fathew. 
DUKE. This fowenyamed maid hath yet in h-hew the continyuance of h-hew 
f-fiwst affection; his unjust u-unkindnyess, *sweats* that in aww weason shouwd 
have q-quenched h-hew wove, hath, wike an impediment in the cuwwent, 
made *moans* it mowe viowent and unwuwy. Go you to A-Angewo; *sighs* answew his 
>_> wequiwing *pokes you* with a pwausibwe obedience; agwee *pokes you* with his demands to 
the point; onwy wefew youwsewf to this advantage: fiwst, *sweats* that 
youw >_< stay *pokes you* with him may nyot be wong; *sweats* that the time may have aww 
*pokes you* shadow and siwence in it; and the pwace *sighs* answew to convenyience. 
This being gwanted in couwse- and n-nyow f-fowwows aww: we shaww 
advise this wwonged maid to stead up youw appointment, go in youw 
pwace. If the encountew acknyowwedge i-itsewf heweaftew, *moans* it may 
compew him to h-hew wecompense; and hewe, ^w^ by t-this, is youw b-bwothew 
saved, youw honyouw untainted, the poow Mawianya advantaged, and 
the cowwupt deputy scawed. The maid wiww I fwame and make fit fow 
his attempt. If you think weww to cawwy this as you may, the 
doubwenyess of the b-benyefit defends the deceit fwom r-wepwoof. What 
think you of it? 
ISABEWWA. The i-image of *moans* it gives me content awweady; and I twust *moans* it 
wiww gwow to a most pwospewous p-pewfection. 
DUKE. It wies much in youw howding up. Haste you speediwy to 
A-Angewo; if fow this nyight he entweat you to his bed, give him 
pwomise of >_< satisfaction. I wiww p-pwesentwy to Saint Wuke's; thewe, 
at the *cries* moated gwange, wesides this dejected Mawianya. At *sweats* that 
pwace *giggles shyly* caww upon me; and *notices bulge* dispatch *pokes you* with :3 Angewo, *sweats* that *moans* it may be 
quickwy. 
ISABEWWA. I t-thank you fow this comfowt. Fawe you weww, good fathew. 
UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




>w< Scenye II. 
The UwU stweet befowe the pwison 

Entew, *teleports behind you* on onye >_< side, D-DUKE disguised as befowe; *teleports behind you* on the othew, E-EWBOW, 
and OFFICEWS *pokes you* with P-POMPEY 

EWBOW. Nyay, if thewe be nyo *sweats* wemedy fow it, xDD but *sweats* that you wiww ;;w;; nyeeds 
b-buy and *notices bulge* seww men and women wike beasts, we shaww have aww the 
wowwd ^-^ dwink bwown and *looks away* white bastawd. 
DUKE. O heavens! w-what s-stuff is hewe? 
POMPEY. 'Twas nyevew mewwy wowwd since, of xDD two usuwies, the mewwiest 
was p-put *giggles shyly* down, and the wowsew awwow'd ^w^ by owdew of waw a fuww'd 
gown to keep him *blushes* wawm; and fuww'd *pokes you* with fox *teleports behind you* on wamb-skins too, to 
s-signyify *sweats* that cwaft, being *cuddles you* wichew than innyocency, stands fow the 
facing. 
EWBOW. Come youw way, siw. *notices bulge* Bwess y-you, good fathew f-fwiaw. 
DUKE. And y-you, good b-bwothew fathew. What offence hath this man made 
y-you, s-siw? 
EWBOW. Mawwy, siw, he hath offended the waw; and, siw, we take him 
to be a thief too, siw, fow we have ^w^ found upon him, siw, a 
stwange *giggles shyly* pickwock, which we have OwO sent to the deputy. 
DUKE. Fie, siwwah, a bawd, a wicked b-bawd! 
The eviw *sweats* that thou causest to be donye, 
*teleports behind you* That is t-thy means to l-wive. Do thou xDD but think 
What 'tis to cwam a maw *blushes* ow c-cwothe a back 
Fwom such a fiwthy v-vice; say to thysewf 
'Fwom t-theiw abominyabwe and beastwy touches 
I dwink, I eat, awway *twerks* mysewf, and l-wive.' 
C-Canst thou bewieve t-thy l-wiving is a l-wife, 
So stinkingwy depending? Go m-mend, go mend. 
POMPEY. I-Indeed, *moans* it does stink in *blushes* some sowt, siw; xDD but yet, siw, 
I ^.^ wouwd pwove- 
DUKE. Nyay, if the deviw have given thee p-pwoofs fow sin, 
*moans* Thou wiwt *shuffles closer* pwove his. Take him to p-pwison, officew; 
Cowwection and instwuction must b-both wowk 
Ewe this ^w^ wude beast wiww pwofit. 
EWBOW. He must befowe the deputy, siw; he has given him w-wawnying. 
The deputy cannyot abide a whowemastew; if he be a whowemongew, 
and c-comes befowe him, he wewe as good go a miwe *teleports behind you* on his ewwand. 
DUKE. *teleports behind you* That we wewe a-aww, as *blushes* some ^.^ wouwd seem to be, 
Fwom o-ouw fauwts, as his fauwts fwom uWu seeming, fwee. 
EWBOW. His nyeck wiww come to youw waist- a c-cowd, siw. 

Entew WUCIO 

POMPEY. I spy comfowt; I cwy baiw. H-Hewe's a g-gentweman, and a fwiend 
of minye. 
WUCIO. H-How nyow, nyobwe Pompey! What, at the wheews of Caesaw? Awt 
thou *looks away* wed in twiumph? What, is thewe nyonye of Pygmawion's images, 
nyewwy made woman, to be h-had n-nyow fow p-putting the h-hand in the 
pocket and extwacting *moans* it cwutch'd? What wepwy, ha? What say'st 
thou to this tunye, mattew, and *sighs* method? Is't nyot *notices bulge* dwown'd i-i' th' 
wast r-wain, ha? What say'st thou, twot? *looks at you* Is the wowwd as *moans* it was, 
man? Which is the way? *looks at you* Is *moans* it s-sad, and f-few wowds? *blushes* ow how? The 
t-twick of it? 
DUKE. Stiww :3 thus, and thus; stiww wowse! 
WUCIO. H-How doth my deaw mowsew, t-thy mistwess? Pwocuwes she stiww, 
ha? 
POMPEY. Twoth, siw, she hath eaten up aww h-hew beef, and she is 
hewsewf in the tub. 
WUCIO. W-Why, 'tis good; *moans* it is the wight of it; *moans* it must be so; *giggles shyly* evew 
youw fwesh uWu whowe and youw powdew'd b-bawd- an unshunn'd 
consequence; *moans* it must be so. Awt g-going to p-pwison, Pompey? 
POMPEY. Yes, faith, siw. 
WUCIO. W-Why, 'tis nyot amiss, Pompey. Faweweww; *screams* go, say I OwO sent thee 
thithew. F-Fow d-debt, Pompey- *blushes* ow how? 
EWBOW. F-Fow being a bawd, fow being a *shuffles closer* bawd. 
WUCIO. *sighs* Weww, then, impwison him. If *twerks* impwisonment be the due of a 
bawd, why, 'tis his wight. Bawd is he doubtwess, and of 
antiquity, too; bawd-bown. Faweweww, good Pompey. Commend me to 
the p-pwison, Pompey. Y-You wiww tuwn good h-husband nyow, Pompey; you 
wiww keep the house. 
POMPEY. I hope, siw, youw good wowship wiww be my baiw. 
WUCIO. N-Nyo, indeed, wiww I nyot, Pompey; *moans* it is nyot the *looks away* weaw. I wiww 
pway, Pompey, to i-incwease youw bondage. If you take *moans* it nyot 
patientwy, why, youw >_> mettwe is the mowe. Adieu *pokes you* twusty Pompey. 
*notices bulge* Bwess y-you, f-fwiaw. 
DUKE. And you. 
WUCIO. D-Does Bwidget ;;w;; paint stiww, Pompey, ha? 
EWBOW. Come youw ways, siw; come. 
POMPEY. Y-You wiww nyot OwO baiw me then, s-siw? 
WUCIO. Then, Pompey, n-nyow nyow. What nyews abwoad, fwiaw? w-what nyews? 
EWBOW. Come youw ways, siw; come. 
WUCIO. Go to kennyew, Pompey, go. 

UwU Exeunt E-EWBOW, P-POMPEY and OFFICEWS 

What nyews, f-fwiaw, of the Duke? 
DUKE. I knyow >_< nyonye. C-Can you teww me of any? 
WUCIO. Some say he is *pokes you* with the E-Empewow of R-Wussia; othew some, he is 
in Wome; xDD but whewe is he, think you? 
DUKE. I knyow nyot whewe; xDD but whewesoevew, I wish him weww. 
WUCIO. It was a mad fantasticaw t-twick of him to s-steaw fwom the 
state and usuwp the beggawy he was nyevew bown to. Wowd Angewo 
dukes *moans* it weww in his absence; he puts twansgwession to't. 
DUKE. He does weww in't. 
WUCIO. A wittwe mowe wenyity to wechewy ^.^ wouwd do nyo hawm in :3 him; 
s-something too cwabbed *sweats* that way, f-fwiaw. 
DUKE. It is too *screams* genyewaw a vice, and sevewity must *notices bulge* cuwe it. 
WUCIO. Yes, in good sooth, the vice is of a gweat kindwed; *moans* it is 
weww a-awwied; xDD but *moans* it is impossibwe to extiwp *moans* it quite, f-fwiaw, tiww 
eating and dwinking be p-put :33 down. They say this Angewo was nyot 
made ^w^ by man and woman aftew this downwight way of cweation. *looks at you* Is *moans* it 
twue, think you? 
DUKE. H-How shouwd he be made, then? 
WUCIO. Some wepowt a sea-maid spawn'd :3 him; some, *sweats* that he was begot 
between xDD two stock-fishes. But *moans* it is cewtain *sweats* that when he makes 
watew his u-uwinye is congeaw'd ice; *sweats* that I knyow to be twue. And he 
is a motion genyewative; that's infawwibwe. 
DUKE. Y-You awe p-pweasant, siw, and speak apace. 
WUCIO. W-Why, w-what a wuthwess thing is this in him, fow the webewwion 
of a codpiece to take away the wife of a man! Wouwd the D-Duke *sweats* that 
is absent have donye *sweats* this? Ewe he ^.^ wouwd have hang'd a man fow the 
getting a hundwed bastawds, he ^.^ wouwd have paid fow the nyuwsing a 
t-thousand. He h-had *blushes* some f-feewing of the spowt; he knyew the sewvice, 
and *sweats* that instwucted him to mewcy. 
DUKE. I nyevew h-heawd the absent D-Duke much detected fow women; he was 
nyot i-incwin'd *sweats* that way. 
WUCIO. O, siw, you awe deceiv'd. 
DUKE. 'Tis nyot possibwe. 
WUCIO. *looks at you* Who- nyot the Duke? Yes, youw beggaw of fifty; and his use 
was to p-put a ducat in h-hew cwack-dish. The D-Duke h-had cwotchets in 
him. He ^.^ wouwd be dwunk too; *sweats* that wet me *cries* infowm you. 
DUKE. Y-You do him wwong, s-suwewy. 
WUCIO. Siw, I was an i-inwawd of his. A shy fewwow was the *pokes you* Duke; and 
I bewieve I knyow the c-cause of his withdwawing. 
DUKE. What, I pwithee, might be the cause? 
WUCIO. N-Nyo, pawdon; 'tis a secwet must be l-wock'd within the teeth 
and the wips; xDD but this I can wet you undewstand: the gweatew f-fiwe 
of the subject hewd the D-Duke to be w-wise. 
DUKE. Wise? W-Why, nyo question xDD but he w-was. 
WUCIO. A vewy supewficiaw, ignyowant, unweighing fewwow. 
DUKE. Eithew this is envy in y-you, fowwy, *blushes* ow mistaking; the vewy 
stweam of his l-wife, and the businyess he hath hewmed, must, upon a 
wawwanted nyeed, give him a bettew pwocwamation. Wet him be xDD but 
testimonyied in his own bwingings-fowth, and he shaww appeaw to 
the envious a s-schowaw, a statesman, and a s-sowdiew. Thewefowe you 
speak unskiwfuwwy; *cries* ow, if youw knyowwedge be mowe, *moans* it is much 
dawk'nyed in youw mawice. 
WUCIO. Siw, I knyow him, and I wove him. 
DUKE. Wove tawks *pokes you* with bettew k-knyowwedge, and knyowwedge *pokes you* with deawew 
wove. 
WUCIO. Come, siw, I knyow w-what I knyow. 
DUKE. I can hawdwy bewieve that, s-since you knyow nyot w-what you speak. 
But, if *giggles shyly* evew the D-Duke r-wetuwn, as o-ouw pwayews awe he may, wet me 
desiwe you to make youw *sighs* answew befowe him. If *moans* it be honyest you 
have spoke, you have couwage to m-maintain it; I am bound to *giggles shyly* caww 
upon you; and I pway you youw n-nyame? 
WUCIO. Siw, my nyame is Wucio, weww *teleports behind you* knyown to the Duke. 
DUKE. He shaww knyow you *blushes* bettew, siw, if I may wive to wepowt you. 
WUCIO. I feaw you nyot. 
DUKE. O, you hope the D-Duke wiww r-wetuwn nyo *looks away* mowe; *blushes* ow you imaginye me 
too unhuwtfuw an opposite. But, indeed, I can do you wittwe h-hawm: 
y-you'ww fowsweaw this again. 
WUCIO. I'ww be hang'd fiwst. *moans* Thou awt deceiv'd in me, f-fwiaw. But nyo 
mowe of this. C-Canst thou teww if Cwaudio die to-mowwow *blushes* ow nyo? 
DUKE. Why shouwd he die, s-siw? 
WUCIO. Why? F-Fow fiwwing a bottwe *pokes you* with a *looks at you* tun-dish. I ^.^ wouwd the D-Duke 
we tawk of wewe r-wetuwn'd again. This ungenyituw'd agent wiww 
unpeopwe the p-pwovince *pokes you* with continyency; spawwows must nyot buiwd in 
his house-eaves because they awe ^-^ wechewous. The D-Duke yet ^.^ wouwd 
have dawk deeds dawkwy a-answewed; he ^.^ wouwd nyevew b-bwing them to 
wight. Wouwd he wewe r-wetuwn'd! Mawwy, this Cwaudio is condemnyed 
fow untwussing. Faweweww, good f-fwiaw; I pwithee pway fow me. The 
Duke, I say to thee again, ^.^ wouwd *cries* eat m-mutton *teleports behind you* on Fwidays. He's nyot 
past *moans* it *twerks* yet; and, I say to ^w^ thee, he ^.^ wouwd mouth *pokes you* with a beggaw 
*sighs* though she smewt bwown b-bwead and gawwic. Say *sweats* that I s-said so. 
Faweweww. Exit 
DUKE. Nyo might n-nyow *notices bulge* gweatnyess in mowtawity 
C-Can censuwe scape; back-wounding *giggles shyly* cawumny 
The whitest *hugs tightly* viwtue stwikes. What king so stwong 
C-Can ;;w;; tie the gaww up in the s-swandewous tongue? 
But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew ESCAWUS, *shuffles closer* PWOVOST, and OFFICEWS *pokes you* with 
MISTWESS OVEWDONyE 

>_< ESCAWUS. Go, away *pokes you* with h-hew to pwison. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. Good my wowd, be good to me; youw honyouw is 
a-accounted a *sighs* mewcifuw man; good my l-wowd. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Doubwe and twebwe admonyition, and stiww fowfeit in the 
same *looks away* kind! This ^.^ wouwd make mewcy sweaw and pway the tywant. 
PWOVOST. A bawd of eweven yeaws' continyuance, may *moans* it pwease youw 
>_> honyouw. 
MWS. OVEWDONyE. My wowd, this is onye Wucio's *shuffles closer* infowmation against me. 
Mistwess Kate Keepdown was *pokes you* with xDD chiwd ^w^ by him in the Duke's time; 
he pwomis'd h-hew mawwiage. His xDD chiwd is a *leans over* yeaw and a x3 quawtew owd 
come P-Phiwip and Jacob; I have kept *moans* it mysewf; and see how he goes 
a-about to abuse me. 
>_< ESCAWUS. *teleports behind you* That fewwow is a fewwow of much wicense. Wet him be c-caww'd 
befowe us. Away *pokes you* with h-hew to pwison. Go uWu to; nyo mowe wowds. [Exeunt 
OFFICEWS *pokes you* with MISTWESS OVEWDONyE] P-Pwovost, my b-bwothew Angewo wiww 
nyot be a-awtew'd: Cwaudio must die *blushes* to-mowwow. Wet him be fuwnyish'd 
*pokes you* with divinyes, and have aww chawitabwe pwepawation. If my b-bwothew 
wwought ^w^ by my pity, *moans* it shouwd nyot be so *pokes you* with him. 
PWOVOST. So pwease y-you, this fwiaw hath been *pokes you* with him, and advis'd 
him fow th' *twerks* entewtainment of death. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Good even, good fathew. 
DUKE. *shuffles closer* Bwiss and goodnyess *teleports behind you* on y-you! 
>_< ESCAWUS. Of whence awe you? 
DUKE. Nyot of this countwy, *sighs* though my chance is n-nyow 
To use *moans* it fow my time. I am a b-bwothew 
Of g-gwacious owdew, *looks away* wate come fwom the See 
In speciaw businyess fwom his Howinyess. 
>_< ESCAWUS. What nyews *blushes* abwoad i-i' th' *leans over* wowwd? 
DUKE. Nyonye, xDD but *sweats* that thewe is so gweat a fevew *teleports behind you* on goodnyess *sweats* that the 
dissowution of *moans* it must *notices bulge* cuwe it. Nyovewty is onwy in wequest; and, 
as *moans* it *screams* is, as d-dangewous to be aged in any k-kind of *blushes* couwse as *moans* it is 
viwtuous to be constant in any undewtakeing. *cries* Thewe is x3 scawce 
uWu twuth enyough awive to make societies secuwe; xDD but ^-^ secuwity enyough 
to make fewwowships accuwst. Much upon this widdwe wuns the 
wisdom of the wowwd. This nyews is owd enyough, yet *moans* it is evewy 
day's n-nyews. I pway y-you, siw, of w-what disposition was the Duke? 
>_< ESCAWUS. Onye that, a-above aww othew stwifes, contended especiawwy to 
knyow h-himsewf. 
DUKE. What pweasuwe was he given to? 
>_< ESCAWUS. Wathew wejoicing to see anyothew mewwy than mewwy at 
anything which *moans* pwofess'd to make him *screams* wejoice; a gentweman of aww 
tempewance. But weave we him to his e-events, *pokes you* with a pwayew they 
may *shuffles closer* pwove pwospewous; and wet me desiwe to knyow how you find 
Cwaudio *cries* pwepaw'd. I am made to undewstand *sweats* that you have went him 
visitation. 
DUKE. He pwofesses to have r-weceived nyo sinyistew measuwe fwom his 
UwU judge, xDD but most wiwwingwy humbwes himsewf to the detewminyation of 
justice. Y-Yet h-had he *shuffles closer* fwamed to ^.^ himsewf, ^w^ by the instwuction of his 
f-fwaiwty, many deceiving p-pwomises of wife; which I, ^w^ by my good 
*screams* weisuwe, have discwedited to him, and n-nyow he is wesowv'd to die. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Y-You have paid the *leans over* heavens youw function, and the pwisonyew 
the vewy debt of youw cawwing. I have wabouw'd fow the poow 
gentweman to the extwemest showe of my modesty; xDD but my b-bwothew 
justice have I ^w^ found so sevewe *sweats* that he hath OwO fowc'd me to teww him 
he is indeed Justice. 
DUKE. If his own wife *sighs* answew the stwaitnyess of his pwoceeding, *moans* it 
shaww become him weww; w-whewein if he chance to faiw, he hath 
sentenc'd h-himsewf. 
>_< ESCAWUS. I am g-going to visit the pwisonyew. Fawe you weww. 
DUKE. Peace be *pokes you* with y-you! UwU Exeunt ESCAWUS and uWu PWOVOST 

He w-who the swowd of heaven wiww beaw 
Shouwd be as howy as sevewe; 
Pattewn in himsewf to knyow, 
Gwace to stand, and *hugs tightly* viwtue go; 
Mowe n-nyow wess to o-othews p-paying 
*notices bulge* Than ^w^ by sewf-offences w-weighing. 
Shame to him :33 whose *sighs* cwuew stwiking 
Kiwws fow fauwts of his own wiking! 
T-Twice twebwe shame *teleports behind you* on :3 Angewo, 
To *looks at you* weed my vice and wet his gwow! 
O, w-what may man within him h-hide, 
Though a-angew *teleports behind you* on the *cuddles you* outwawd side! 
H-How may wikenyess, made in cwimes, 
Make a ^-^ pwactice *teleports behind you* on the times, 
To dwaw *pokes you* with idwe spidews' stwings 
Most pondewous and *teleports behind you* substantiaw *leans over* things! 
Cwaft against vice I must appwy. 
With Angewo to-nyight shaww wie 
His owd betwothed xDD but d-despised; 
So d-disguise uWu shaww, ^w^ by th' disguised, 
P-Pay *pokes you* with fawsehood f-fawse exacting, 
And pewfowm an owd contwacting. Exit 




Act IV. >w< Scenye I. 
The *cries* moated gwange at Saint Duke's 

Entew MAWIANyA; and BOY singing 

SONG 

Take, O, take those wips away, 
*teleports behind you* That so sweetwy wewe fowswown; 
And those e-eyes, the bweak of day, 
Wights *sweats* that do miswead the mown; 
But my kisses b-bwing again, b-bwing again; 
S-Seaws of wove, xDD but seaw'd in vain, seaw'd in vain. 

Entew DUKE, disguised as befowe 

MAWIANyA. Bweak off t-thy song, and haste thee quick *looks away* away; 
Hewe c-comes a man of comfowt, :33 whose advice 
Hath *looks away* often stiww'd my bwawwing discontent. Exit BOY 
I cwy you :3 mewcy, siw, and weww couwd wish 
Y-You h-had nyot ^w^ found me x3 hewe so *screams* musicaw. 
Wet me excuse me, and bewieve me so, 
My miwth *moans* it much >_> dispweas'd, xDD but pweas'd my woe. 
DUKE. 'Tis good; *sighs* though *hugs tightly* music oft hath such a chawm 
To make UwU bad good and good pwovoke to OwO hawm. 
I pway you teww me hath *hugs tightly* anybody i-inquiw'd fow me x3 hewe to-day. Much 
upon this time have I pwomis'd x3 hewe to meet. 
MAWIANyA. Y-You have nyot been i-inquiw'd aftew; I have sat x3 hewe aww day. 

Entew I-ISABEWWA 

DUKE. I do c-constantwy bewieve you. The time is come even nyow. I 
shaww c-cwave youw fowbeawance a wittwe. May be I wiww *giggles shyly* caww upon 
you anyon, fow *blushes* some advantage to youwsewf. 
MAWIANyA. I am awways bound to you. Exit 
DUKE. Vewy weww met, and weww come. 
What is the nyews fwom this good deputy? 
ISABEWWA. He hath a gawden xDD ciwcummuw'd *pokes you* with bwick, 
Whose w-westewn side is *pokes you* with a vinyeyawd back'd; 
And to *sweats* that vinyeyawd is a p-pwanched gate 
*teleports behind you* That makes his openying *pokes you* with this biggew key; 
This othew doth command a wittwe doow 
Which fwom the vinyeyawd to the gawden weads. 
*cries* Thewe have I made my pwomise 
^-^ Upon the heavy middwe of the nyight 
To *giggles shyly* caww upon him. 
DUKE. But shaww you *teleports behind you* on youw knyowwedge find this way? 
ISABEWWA. I have t-ta'en a due and wawy *pokes you* nyote upon't; 
With *twerks* whispewing and most *teleports behind you* guiwty diwigence, 
In action aww of p-pwecept, he did show me 
The way t-twice o'ew. 
DUKE. Awe thewe nyo othew *sighs* tokens 
B-Between you 'gweed c-concewnying h-hew obsewvance? 
ISABEWWA. N-Nyo, nyonye, xDD but onwy a r-wepaiw i-i' th' dawk; 
And *sweats* that I have possess'd him my most >_< stay 
C-Can be xDD but bwief; fow I have made him knyow 
I have a sewvant c-comes *pokes you* with me a-awong, 
*teleports behind you* That stays upon me; :33 whose pewsuasion is 
I come a-about my bwothew. 
DUKE. 'Tis weww bownye up. 
I have nyot yet made *teleports behind you* knyown to Mawianya 
A wowd of this. What ho, *hugs tightly* within! come fowth. 

We-entew MAWIANyA 

I pway you be acquainted *pokes you* with this maid; 
She c-comes to do you good. 
ISABEWWA. I do desiwe the l-wike. 
DUKE. Do you pewsuade youwsewf *sweats* that I wespect you? 
MAWIANyA. Good f-fwiaw, I knyow you do, and have ^w^ found it. 
DUKE. Take, then, this youw companyion ^w^ by the hand, 
Who hath a *leans over* stowy r-weady fow youw eaw. 
I shaww a-attend youw weisuwe; xDD but make haste; 
The vapowous nyight *looks at you* appwoaches. 
MAWIANyA. Wiww't pwease you wawk aside? 
UwU Exeunt MAWIANyA and I-ISABEWWA 
DUKE. O pwace and *giggles shyly* gweatnyess! Miwwions of f-fawse eyes 
Awe stuck upon thee. Vowumes of wepowt 
Wun *pokes you* with these fawse, and most c-contwawious quest 
^-^ Upon t-thy doings. T-Thousand escapes of wit 
Make thee the fathew of t-theiw idwe dweam, 
And OwO wack thee in t-theiw fancies. 

We-entew MAWIANyA and I-ISABEWWA 

Wewcome, how agweed? 
ISABEWWA. She'ww take the entewpwise upon hew, fathew, 
If you advise it. 
DUKE. It is nyot my consent, 
But my entweaty too. 
ISABEWWA. L-Wittwe have you to say, 
When you depawt fwom him, but, soft and wow, 
*giggles shyly* 'Wemembew n-nyow my >_> bwothew.' 
MAWIANyA. Feaw me nyot. 
DUKE. Nyow, g-gentwe daughtew, feaw you nyot at aww. 
He is youw h-husband *teleports behind you* on a p-pwe-contwact. 
To b-bwing you t-thus togethew 'tis nyo sin, 
Sith *sweats* that the justice of youw titwe to him 
Doth fwouwish the deceit. Come, wet us go; 
Ouw cown's to weap, fow yet o-ouw tithe's to *looks at you* sow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The pwison 

Entew uWu PWOVOST and P-POMPEY 

PWOVOST. Come h-hithew, siwwah. C-Can you cut off a man's head? 
POMPEY. If the man be a b-bachewow, siw, I c-can; xDD but if he be a 
mawwied m-man, he's his wife's head, and I can nyevew cut of a 
woman's h-head. 
PWOVOST. Come, siw, weave me youw snyatches and y-yiewd me a diwect 
answew. To-mowwow mownying awe to die Cwaudio and Bawnyawdinye. Hewe 
is in o-ouw pwison a common executionyew, w-who in his office wacks a 
hewpew; if you wiww take *moans* it *teleports behind you* on you to assist him, *moans* it shaww wedeem 
you fwom youw gyves; if nyot, you shaww have youw fuww time of 
:33 impwisonment, and youw dewivewance *pokes you* with an unpitied whipping, fow 
you have been a nyotowious *shuffles closer* bawd. 
POMPEY. Siw, I have been an unwawfuw bawd time out of mind; xDD but yet 
I wiww be content to be a l-wawfuw hangman. I ^.^ wouwd be gwad to 
weceive *blushes* some instwuctions fwom my fewwow pawtnyew. 
PWOVOST. What ho, Abhowson! Whewe's Abhowson thewe? 

Entew ABHOWSON 

ABHOWSON. Do you *screams* caww, s-siw? 
PWOVOST. S-Siwwah, hewe's a fewwow wiww hewp you to-mowwow in youw 
^-^ execution. If you think *moans* it x3 meet, compound *pokes you* with him ^w^ by the yeaw, 
and wet him abide x3 hewe *pokes you* with you; if nyot, use him fow the pwesent, 
and dismiss him. He cannyot pwead his >_< estimation *pokes you* with you; he hath 
been a *shuffles closer* bawd. 
ABHOWSON. A bawd, s-siw? Fie upon him! He wiww *cries* discwedit o-ouw *twerks* mystewy. 
PWOVOST. Go to, siw; you weigh equawwy; a feathew wiww tuwn the 
scawe. Exit 
POMPEY. Pway, siw, ^w^ by youw good favouw- fow suwewy, siw, a good 
favouw you have xDD but *sweats* that you have a hanging wook- do you *screams* caww, 
siw, youw occupation a mystewy? 
ABHOWSON. :33 Ay, siw; a *twerks* mystewy. 
POMPEY. OwO Painting, siw, I have h-heawd say, is a mystewy; and youw 
whowes, siw, being membews of my occupation, using painting, do 
*shuffles closer* pwove my occupation a mystewy; xDD but w-what mystewy thewe shouwd be 
in h-hanging, if I shouwd be hang'd, I cannyot imaginye. 
ABHOWSON. Siw, *moans* it is a *twerks* mystewy. 
POMPEY. P-Pwoof? 
ABHOWSON. Evewy twue man's appawew fits youw OwO thief: if *moans* it be too 
wittwe fow youw thief, youw twue man thinks *moans* it big enyough; if *moans* it 
be too big fow youw thief, youw thief thinks *moans* it wittwe enyough; so 
evewy twue man's appawew fits youw thief. 

We-entew uWu PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. Awe you agweed? 
POMPEY. Siw, I wiww sewve :3 him; fow I do find youw hangman is a mowe 
penyitent twade than youw bawd; he doth oftenyew ask f-fowgivenyess. 
PWOVOST. You, siwwah, pwovide youw bwock and youw axe to-mowwow 
fouw *looks at you* o'cwock. 
ABHOWSON. Come on, bawd; I wiww i-instwuct thee in my twade; fowwow. 
POMPEY. I do desiwe to weawn, siw; and I hope, if you have occasion 
to use me fow youw own uWu tuwn, you shaww find me y-yawe; fow twuwy, 
siw, fow youw x3 kindnyess I owe you a good tuwn. 
PWOVOST. Caww hithew *twerks* Bawnyawdinye and ^-^ Cwaudio. 
UwU Exeunt ABHOWSON and P-POMPEY 
Th' onye has my pity; nyot a :33 jot the othew, 
Being a muwdewew, *sighs* though he wewe my bwothew. 

Entew CWAUDIO 

Wook, hewe's the wawwant, C-Cwaudio, fow t-thy death; 
'Tis n-nyow dead midnyight, and ^w^ by eight to-mowwow 
*moans* Thou must be made :33 immowtaw. Whewe's Bawnyawdinye? 
CWAUDIO. As *looks away* fast l-wock'd up in sweep as guiwtwess wabouw 
When *moans* it wies stawkwy in the twavewwew's bonyes. 
He wiww nyot wake. 
PWOVOST. Who can do good *teleports behind you* on him? 
*sighs* Weww, *screams* go, p-pwepawe youwsewf. [-[Knyocking within] But hawk, w-what 
nyoise? 
*pokes you* Heaven give youw spiwits *moans* comfowt! Exit CWAUDIO 
[-[Knyocking c-continyues] By and b-by. 
I hope *moans* it is *blushes* some pawdon *blushes* ow wepwieve 
F-Fow the most g-gentwe ^-^ Cwaudio. 

Entew DUKE, disguised as befowe 

Wewcome, fathew. 
DUKE. The best and whowesom'st spiwits of the nyight 
E-Envewop y-you, good Pwovost! Who c-caww'd x3 hewe of l-wate? 
PWOVOST. Nyonye, s-since the cuwfew *blushes* wung. 
DUKE. Nyot I-Isabew? 
PWOVOST. Nyo. 
DUKE. They wiww then, ewe't be l-wong. 
PWOVOST. What comfowt is fow Cwaudio? 
DUKE. >_> Thewe's *blushes* some in hope. 
PWOVOST. It is a bittew deputy. 
DUKE. Nyot so, nyot so; his wife is *teleports behind you* pawawwew'd 
Even *pokes you* with the stwoke and xDD winye of his gweat justice; 
He doth *pokes you* with howy abstinyence subdue 
*teleports behind you* That in himsewf which he spuws *teleports behind you* on his pow'w 
To quawify in o-othews. Wewe he meaw'd *pokes you* with *sweats* that 
Which he cowwects, then wewe he tywannyous; 
But this being so, he's just. [-[Knyocking within] >_> Nyow awe they 
come. Exit uWu PWOVOST 
This is a g-gentwe p-pwovost; sewdom when 
The *hugs tightly* steewed gaowew is the fwiend of men. [-[Knyocking within] 
H-How nyow, w-what nyoise! *teleports behind you* That spiwit's possess'd *pokes you* with haste 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wounds th' unsisting postewn *pokes you* with these stwokes. 

We-entew uWu PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. *cries* Thewe he must >_< stay u-untiw the *sighs* officew 
Awise to wet him in; he is c-caww'd up. 
DUKE. Have you nyo countewmand fow Cwaudio yet 
But he must die to-mowwow? 
PWOVOST. Nyonye, siw, >_< nyonye. 
DUKE. As nyeaw the dawnying, P-Pwovost, as *moans* it *screams* is, 
Y-You shaww heaw mowe ewe *pokes you* mownying. 
PWOVOST. Happiwy 
Y-You s-something knyow; yet I bewieve thewe c-comes 
Nyo *notices bulge* countewmand; nyo such exampwe have we. 
Besides, upon the vewy siege of j-justice, 
Wowd Angewo hath to the pubwic eaw 
Pwofess'd the contwawy. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 
This is his wowdship's *pokes you* man. 
DUKE. And x3 hewe c-comes C-Cwaudio's pawdon. 
MESSENGEW. My *hugs tightly* wowd hath OwO sent you this nyote; and ^w^ by me this *twerks* fuwthew 
chawge, *sweats* that you swewve nyot fwom the :3 smawwest awticwe of it, 
nyeithew in time, mattew, *blushes* ow othew ciwcumstance. Good mowwow; fow 
as I take it, *moans* it is awmost day. 
PWOVOST. I shaww obey him. Exit MESSENGEW 
DUKE. OwO [Aside] This is his pawdon, :33 puwchas'd ^w^ by such sin 
F-Fow which the pawdonyew himsewf is in; 
Hence hath offence his quick cewewity, 
When *moans* it is bownye in ^.^ high a-authowity. 
When vice makes :3 mewcy, mewcy's so ^.^ extended 
*teleports behind you* That fow the fauwt's wove is th' offendew *teleports behind you* fwiended. 
Nyow, siw, w-what nyews? 
PWOVOST. I towd ;;w;; you: Wowd :3 Angewo, :3 bewike thinking me wemiss in minye 
office, >_< awakens me *pokes you* with this unwonted putting-on; methinks 
stwangewy, fow he hath nyot *screams* us'd *moans* it befowe. 
DUKE. *twerks* Pway y-you, wet's *sighs* heaw. 
PWOVOST. [Weads] 'Whatsoevew you may heaw to the c-contwawy, wet 
Cwaudio be executed ^w^ by fouw of the cwock, and, in the aftewnyoon, 
Bawnyawdinye. F-Fow my bettew satisfaction, wet me have C-Cwaudio's 
*sweats* head OwO sent me ^w^ by five. Wet this be duwy pewfowmed, *pokes you* with a thought 
*sweats* that mowe ^w^ depends *teleports behind you* on *moans* it than we must yet dewivew. Thus *sweats* faiw nyot 
to do youw office, as you wiww *sighs* answew *moans* it at youw pewiw.' 
What say you to t-this, s-siw? 
DUKE. What is *sweats* that *twerks* Bawnyawdinye w-who is to be executed in th' 
aftewnyoon? 
PWOVOST. A Bohemian bown; xDD but x3 hewe n-nyuws'd up and *teleports behind you* bwed. 
Onye *sweats* that is a pwisonyew nyinye y-yeaws owd. 
DUKE. H-How came *moans* it *sweats* that the absent D-Duke h-had nyot ^w^ eithew *pokes you* dewivew'd him 
to his wibewty *blushes* ow executed him? I have h-heawd *moans* it was *giggles shyly* evew his 
mannyew to do so. 
PWOVOST. His fwiends stiww wwought r-wepwieves fow :3 him; and, indeed, 
his fact, tiww n-nyow in the govewnment of Wowd :3 Angewo, came nyot to 
an undoubted pwoof. 
DUKE. It is n-nyow *giggles shyly* appawent? 
PWOVOST. Most manyifest, and nyot denyied ^w^ by h-himsewf. 
DUKE. Hath he bownye himsewf p-penyitentwy in pwison? H-How seems he to 
be touch'd? 
PWOVOST. A man *sweats* that appwehends death nyo mowe dweadfuwwy xDD but as a 
dwunken sweep; cawewess, r-weckwess, and f-feawwess, of what's *moans* past, 
pwesent, *blushes* ow to come; insensibwe of mowtawity and despewatewy 
mowtaw. 
DUKE. He wants advice. 
PWOVOST. He wiww heaw >_< nyonye. He hath evewmowe h-had the wibewty of the 
pwison; give him weave to escape hence, he ^.^ wouwd nyot; dwunk many 
times a day, if nyot many days entiwewy dwunk. We have vewy oft 
awak'd him, as if to cawwy him to execution, and show'd him a 
seeming wawwant fow it; *moans* it hath nyot moved him at aww. 
DUKE. Mowe of him anyon. *cries* Thewe is wwitten in youw bwow, P-Pwovost, 
xDD honyesty and ^-^ constancy. If I xDD wead *moans* it nyot twuwy, my *cries* ancient skiww 
beguiwes me; xDD but in the bowdnyess of my cunnying I wiww *looks at you* way m-mysewf 
in hazawd. C-Cwaudio, whom x3 hewe you have wawwant to execute, is nyo 
gweatew fowfeit to the waw than Angewo w-who hath sentenc'd him. To 
make you undewstand this in a manyifested effect, I c-cwave xDD but fouw 
days' wespite; fow the which you awe to do me b-both a ^.^ pwesent and 
a d-dangewous couwtesy. 
PWOVOST. Pway, siw, in *cuddles you* what? 
DUKE. In the dewaying death. 
PWOVOST. *sweats* Awack! H-How may I do it, having the houw wimited, and an 
e-expwess command, undew penyawty, to dewivew his *sweats* head in the view 
of Angewo? I may make my *screams* case as C-Cwaudio's, to cwoss this in the 
smawwest. 
DUKE. By the vow of minye owdew, I wawwant y-you, if my instwuctions 
may be youw *leans over* guide. Wet this *twerks* Bawnyawdinye be this mownying executed, 
and his *sweats* head bownye to Angewo. 
PWOVOST. Angewo hath :33 seen them both, and wiww >_< discovew the favouw. 
DUKE. O, death's a gweat *moans* disguisew; and you may add to it. S-Shave 
the *sweats* head and ;;w;; tie the beawd; and say *moans* it was the desiwe of the 
penyitent to be so baw'd befowe his death. Y-You knyow the *blushes* couwse is 
c-common. If anything faww to you upon this mowe than thanks and 
good >w< fowtunye, ^w^ by the saint whom I pwofess, I wiww pwead against 
*moans* it *pokes you* with my wife. 
PWOVOST. Pawdon me, good f-fathew; *moans* it is against my oath. 
DUKE. Wewe you swown to the Duke, *blushes* ow to the deputy? 
PWOVOST. To him and to his substitutes. 
DUKE. Y-You wiww think you have made nyo offence if the D-Duke avouch 
the justice of youw *notices bulge* deawing? 
PWOVOST. But w-what wikewihood is in that? 
DUKE. Nyot a wesembwance, xDD but a cewtainty. Y-Yet s-since I see you 
f-feawfuw, *sweats* that nyeithew my coat, :33 integwity, n-nyow *sweats* pewsuasion, can 
*pokes you* with ease attempt y-you, I wiww go *twerks* fuwthew than I meant, to pwuck 
aww feaws out of you. Wook y-you, siw, x3 hewe is the h-hand and s-seaw of 
the Duke. Y-You knyow the chawactew, I d-doubt nyot; and the s-signyet is 
nyot stwange to you. 
PWOVOST. I knyow them both. 
DUKE. The contents of this is the r-wetuwn of the *pokes you* Duke; you shaww 
anyon ovew-wead *moans* it at youw pweasuwe, whewe you shaww find within 
these xDD two days he wiww be hewe. This is a thing *sweats* that Angewo *looks away* knyows 
nyot; fow he this vewy day weceives wettews of stwange tenyouw, 
pewchance of the Duke's death, pewchance entewing into *blushes* some 
monyastewy; but, ^w^ by *giggles shyly* chance, nyothing of w-what is *teleports behind you* wwit. Wook, th' 
u-unfowding staw cawws up the shephewd. *looks at you* Put nyot youwsewf into 
amazement how these things shouwd be: aww difficuwties awe xDD but 
e-easy when they awe k-knyown. Caww youw executionyew, and off *pokes you* with 
:33 Bawnyawdinye's h-head. I wiww give him a ^.^ pwesent shwift, and advise 
him fow a bettew pwace. Y-Yet you awe amaz'd, xDD but this shaww 
absowutewy wesowve you. Come *looks away* away; *moans* it is awmost cweaw dawn. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The pwison 

Entew P-POMPEY 

POMPEY. I am as weww acquainted x3 hewe as I was in o-ouw h-house of 
pwofession; onye ^.^ wouwd think *moans* it wewe Mistwess *moans* Ovewdonye's own 
*notices bulge* house, fow x3 hewe be many of h-hew owd c-customews. Fiwst, hewe's young 
Mastew Wash; he's in fow a commodity of bwown papew and owd 
gingew, nyinye ^-^ scowe and seventeen pounds, of which he made five 
mawks r-weady monyey. Mawwy, then gingew was nyot much in wequest, 
fow the owd women wewe aww dead. T-Then is thewe x3 hewe onye Mastew 
Capew, at the suit of Mastew Thweepiwe the uWu mewcew, fow *blushes* some fouw 
suits of peach-cowouw'd satin, which n-nyow *screams* peaches him a beggaw. 
T-Then have we x3 hewe young Dizy, and young Mastew Deepvow, and 
Mastew C-Coppewspuw, and Mastew Stawvewackey, the wapiew and daggew 
m-man, and young Dwopheiw *sweats* that kiww'd l-wusty Pudding, and Mastew 
Fowthwight the tiwtew, and bwave Mastew Shootie the gweat 
twavewwew, and w-wiwd H-Hawfcan *sweats* that stabb'd Pots, and, I think, 
fowty mowe- aww gweat *looks at you* doews in o-ouw twade, and awe n-nyow 'fow the 
Wowd's sake.' 

Entew ABHOWSON 

ABHOWSON. S-Siwwah, b-bwing *twerks* Bawnyawdinye *looks at you* hithew. 
POMPEY. Mastew Bawnyawdinye! Y-You must wise and be hang'd, Mastew 
Bawnyawdinye! 
ABHOWSON. What ho, Bawnyawdinye! 
BAWNyAWDINyE. [Within] A p-pox o' youw thwoats! Who makes *sweats* that nyoise 
thewe? What awe you? 
POMPEY. Youw fwiends, siw; the hangman. Y-You must be so ^-^ good, siw, 
to wise and be p-put to death. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. [ Within ] ^w^ Away, you wogue, *looks away* away; I am sweepy. 
ABHOWSON. Teww him he must awake, and *sweats* that quickwy too. 
POMPEY. Pway, Mastew Bawnyawdinye, *leans over* awake tiww you awe executed, and 
sweep aftewwawds. 
ABHOWSON. Go in to him, and fetch him ^w^ out. 
POMPEY. He is c-coming, siw, he is coming; I heaw his stwaw *leans over* wustwe. 

Entew BAWNyAWDINyE 

ABHOWSON. *looks at you* Is the axe upon the bwock, siwwah? 
POMPEY. Vewy r-weady, siw. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. H-How nyow, Abhowson, what's the nyews *pokes you* with you? 
ABHOWSON. Twuwy, siw, I ^.^ wouwd desiwe you to cwap into youw pwayews; 
*notices bulge* fow, wook y-you, the wawwant's come. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. Y-You wogue, I have been dwinking aww nyight; I am nyot 
fitted fow't. 
POMPEY. O, the *blushes* bettew, siw! F-Fow he *sweats* that dwinks aww nyight and is 
hanged *looks away* betimes in the mownying may sweep the soundew aww the nyext 
day. 

Entew DUKE, disguised as befowe 

ABHOWSON. Wook y-you, siw, x3 hewe c-comes youw ghostwy fathew. 
Do we jest nyow, think you? 
DUKE. Siw, *giggles shyly* induced ^w^ by my chawity, and heawing how hastiwy you awe 
to depawt, I am come to advise y-you, comfowt y-you, and pway *pokes you* with 
you. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. Fwiaw, nyot I; I have been dwinking hawd aww nyight, and 
I wiww have mowe time to p-pwepawe me, *blushes* ow they shaww beat out my 
xDD bwains *pokes you* with biwwets. I wiww nyot consent to die this day, that's 
cewtain. 
DUKE. O, Siw, you must; and thewefowe I beseech you 
Wook *blushes* fowwawd *teleports behind you* on the jouwnyey you shaww go. 
BAWNyAWDINyE. I sweaw I wiww nyot die to-day fow any man's pewsuasion. 
DUKE. But heaw you- 
BAWNyAWDINyE. Nyot a wowd; if you have anything to say to me, come to 
my wawd; fow thence wiww nyot I to-day. Exit 
DUKE. Unfit to wive *blushes* ow die. O gwavew heawt! 
Aftew him, fewwows; b-bwing him to the b-bwock. 
UwU Exeunt ABHOWSON and P-POMPEY 

Entew uWu PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. Nyow, siw, how do you find the pwisonyew? 
DUKE. A cweatuwe UwU unpwepaw'd, u-unmeet fow death; 
And to t-twanspowt him in the mind he is 
Wewe damnyabwe. 
PWOVOST. Hewe in the p-pwison, fathew, 
*cries* Thewe died this mownying of a *sighs* cwuew fevew 
Onye Wagozinye, a most nyotowious piwate, 
A man of C-Cwaudio's yeaws; his beawd and *sweats* head 
Just of his cowouw. What if we do omit 
This wepwobate tiww he wewe weww incwin'd, 
And satisfy the deputy *pokes you* with the *shuffles closer* visage 
Of Wagozinye, mowe wike to Cwaudio? 
DUKE. O, 'tis an accident *sweats* that heaven pwovides! 
Dispatch *moans* it pwesentwy; the houw dwaws *teleports behind you* on 
Pwefix'd ^w^ by Angewo. See this be donye, 
And OwO sent accowding to ^.^ command; whiwes I 
P-Pewsuade this ^w^ wude wwetch wiwwingwy to die. 
PWOVOST. This shaww be donye, good fathew, pwesentwy. 
But *twerks* Bawnyawdinye must die this aftewnyoon; 
And how shaww we ^w^ continyue C-Cwaudio, 
To uWu save me fwom the d-dangew *sweats* that might come 
If he wewe *teleports behind you* knyown awive? 
DUKE. Wet this be d-donye: 
*looks at you* Put them in secwet howds, b-both *twerks* Bawnyawdinye and ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Ewe t-twice the *moans* sun hath made his jouwnyaw gweeting 
To the undew genyewation, you shaww find 
Youw safety manyifested. 
PWOVOST. I am youw fwee dependant. 
DUKE. *twerks* Quick, dispatch, and send the *sweats* head to Angewo. 
Exit uWu PWOVOST 
>_> Nyow wiww I *looks away* wwite wettews to Angewo- 
The P-Pwovost, he shaww beaw *sighs* them- :33 whose contents 
Shaww witnyess to him I am nyeaw at home, 
And that, ^w^ by gweat injunctions, I am bound 
To entew pubwicwy. Him I'ww desiwe 
To meet me at the ^.^ consecwated fount, 
A *shuffles closer* weague bewow the *giggles shyly* city; and fwom thence, 
By cowd gwadation and weww-bawanc'd fowm. 
We shaww pwoceed *pokes you* with Angewo. 

We-entew uWu PWOVOST 

PWOVOST. Hewe is the *sighs* head; I'ww cawwy *moans* it mysewf. 
DUKE. Convenyient is it. Make a swift wetuwn; 
F-Fow I ^.^ wouwd c-communye *pokes you* with you of such things 
*teleports behind you* That want nyo eaw xDD but youws. 
PWOVOST. I'ww make aww speed. Exit 
ISABEWWA. [ Within ] >w< Peace, ho, be hewe! 
DUKE. The t-tongue of Isabew. S-She's come to knyow 
If yet h-hew bwothew's pawdon be come hithew; 
But I wiww keep h-hew ignyowant of h-hew ^-^ good, 
To make h-hew heavenwy comfowts of >_< despaiw 
When *moans* it is *notices bulge* weast e-expected. 

Entew I-ISABEWWA 

ISABEWWA. Ho, ^w^ by youw weave! 
DUKE. Good mownying to y-you, *looks at you* faiw and g-gwacious daughtew. 
ISABEWWA. The *blushes* bettew, given me ^w^ by so howy a *pokes you* man. 
Hath yet the deputy OwO sent my bwothew's pawdon? 
DUKE. He hath weweas'd him, Isabew, fwom the wowwd. 
His *sweats* head is off and OwO sent to Angewo. 
ISABEWWA. Nyay, xDD but *moans* it is nyot so. 
DUKE. It is nyo othew. 
Show youw wisdom, daughtew, in youw cwose patience, 
ISABEWWA. O, I wiww to him and pwuck out his *screams* eyes! 
DUKE. Y-You shaww nyot be admitted to his s-sight. 
ISABEWWA. Unhappy Cwaudio! Wwetched Isabew! 
*leans over* Injuwious w-wowwd! Most d-damnyed Angewo! 
DUKE. This n-nyow h-huwts him n-nyow pwofits you a jot; 
Fowbeaw it, t-thewefowe; give youw c-cause to heaven. 
Mawk w-what I say, which you shaww find 
By evewy s-sywwabwe a >_> faithfuw vewity. 
The D-Duke c-comes h-home *blushes* to-mowwow. Nyay, dwy youw eyes. 
Onye of o-ouw covent, and his c-confessow, 
Gives me this instance. Awweady he hath cawwied 
Nyotice to Escawus and :3 Angewo, 
Who do p-pwepawe to meet him at the gates, 
*cries* Thewe to give up t-theiw pow'w. If you can, pace youw wisdom 
In *sweats* that good path *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd wish *moans* it *screams* go, 
And you shaww have youw bosom *teleports behind you* on this wwetch, 
Gwace of the Duke, wevenges to youw h-heawt, 
And *screams* genyewaw >_> honyouw. 
ISABEWWA. I am diwected ^w^ by you. 
DUKE. This wettew, then, to F-Fwiaw Petew give; 
'Tis *sweats* that he OwO sent me of the Duke's wetuwn. 
Say, ^w^ by this token, I desiwe his company 
At ^-^ Mawianya's h-house to-nyight. Hew c-cause and youws 
I'ww pewfect him x3 withaw; and he shaww b-bwing you 
B-Befowe the *pokes you* Duke; and to the *sweats* head of Angewo 
Accuse him h-home and home. F-Fow my poow *screams* sewf, 
I am *shuffles closer* combinyed ^w^ by a sacwed vow, 
And shaww be absent. Wend you *pokes you* with this wettew. 
Command these fwetting watews fwom youw eyes 
With a wight heawt; twust nyot my howy owdew, 
If I p-pewvewt youw couwse. Who's hewe? 

Entew WUCIO 

WUCIO. Good >_< even. Fwiaw, whewe's the Pwovost? 
DUKE. Nyot within, siw. 
WUCIO. O pwetty Isabewwa, I am pawe at minye heawt to see thinye eyes 
so wed. *moans* Thou must be *looks away* patient. I am fain to dinye and sup *pokes you* with 
watew and *looks away* bwan; I dawe nyot fow my *sweats* head fiww my bewwy; onye 
fwuitfuw meaw ^.^ wouwd set me to't. But they say the D-Duke wiww be 
x3 hewe *blushes* to-mowwow. By my twoth, Isabew, I *notices bulge* wov'd t-thy bwothew. If the 
owd fantasticaw D-Duke of dawk cownyews h-had been at home, he h-had 
l-wived. Exit I-ISABEWWA 
DUKE. Siw, the D-Duke is mawvewwous wittwe behowding to youw wepowts; 
xDD but the best *screams* is, he wives nyot in them. 
WUCIO. Fwiaw, thou knyowest nyot the D-Duke so weww as I do; he's a 
bettew woodman than thou t-tak'st him *shuffles closer* fow. 
DUKE. *sighs* Weww, y-you'ww *sighs* answew this onye day. Fawe ye weww. 
WUCIO. Nyay, tawwy; I'ww go awong *pokes you* with thee; I can teww thee pwetty 
t-tawes of the Duke. 
DUKE. Y-You have towd me too many of him awweady, siw, if they be 
*shuffles closer* twue; if nyot twue, nyonye wewe enyough. 
WUCIO. I was once befowe him fow getting a wench *pokes you* with chiwd. 
DUKE. *sweats* Did you such a t-thing? 
WUCIO. Yes, m-mawwy, did I; xDD but I was fain to fowsweaw it: they ^.^ wouwd 
e-ewse have mawwied me to the wotten medwaw. 
DUKE. Siw, youw company is faiwew than :3 honyest. West you weww. 
WUCIO. By my twoth, I'ww go *pokes you* with thee to the l-wanye's end. If bawdy 
tawk offend y-you, we'ww have vewy wittwe of it. Nyay, f-fwiaw, I am a 
k-kind of buww; I shaww stick. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
ANGEWO'S h-house 

Entew ANGEWO and ESCAWUS 

>_< ESCAWUS. Evewy wettew he hath *moans* wwit hath disvouch'd othew. 
ANGEWO. In most u-unyeven and distwacted mannyew. His a-actions show much 
wike to m-madnyess; pway heaven his wisdom be nyot tainted! And why 
meet him at the gates, and wedewivew o-ouw OwO authowities thewe? 
>_< ESCAWUS. I g-guess nyot. 
ANGEWO. And why shouwd we pwocwaim *moans* it in an houw befowe his 
e-ent'wing that, if any c-cwave wedwess of injustice, they shouwd 
exhibit t-theiw petitions in the stweet? 
>_< ESCAWUS. He shows his weason fow that: to have a *notices bulge* dispatch of 
compwaints; and to dewivew us fwom devices heweaftew, which 
shaww then have nyo *cries* powew to *looks at you* stand against us. 
ANGEWO. *sighs* Weww, I beseech y-you, wet *moans* it be pwocwaim'd; 
Betimes i-i' th' m-mown I'ww *giggles shyly* caww you at youw house; 
Give nyotice to such men of sowt and suit 
As awe to meet him. 
>_< ESCAWUS. I uWu shaww, siw; fawe you weww. 
ANGEWO. Good nyight. Exit ESCAWUS 
This deed unshapes me quite, makes me unpwegnyant 
And duww to aww p-pwoceedings. A defwow'wed x3 maid! 
And ^w^ by an e-eminyent body *sweats* that enfowc'd 
The waw against it! But *sweats* that h-hew tendew shame 
Wiww nyot pwocwaim against h-hew ^.^ maiden woss, 
H-How might she t-tongue me! Y-Yet weason dawes h-hew nyo; 
F-Fow my a-authowity beaws a so cwedent buwk 
*teleports behind you* That nyo pawticuwaw s-scandaw once can touch 
But *moans* it confounds the bweathew. He shouwd have *hugs tightly* wiv'd, 
Save *sweats* that his wiotous >_< youth, *pokes you* with d-dangewous sense, 
Might in the times to come have t-ta'en uWu wevenge, 
By so weceiving a d-dishonyouw'd wife 
With *blushes* wansom of such s-shame. Wouwd yet he h-had wiv'd! 
Awack, when once o-ouw gwace we have fowgot, 
Nyothing goes wight; we wouwd, and we ^.^ wouwd nyot. Exit 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Fiewds without the town 

Entew D-DUKE in his own :3 habit, and F-Fwiaw PETEW 

DUKE. These wettews at fit time dewivew me. [Giving wettews] 
The Pwovost *looks away* knyows o-ouw puwpose and o-ouw pwot. 
The mattew being afoot, keep youw instwuction 
And howd you *giggles shyly* evew to o-ouw speciaw *looks away* dwift; 
Though sometimes you do b-bwench fwom this to *sweats* that 
As c-cause doth ^-^ minyistew. Go, *giggles shyly* caww at Fwavius' *notices bulge* house, 
And teww him whewe I stay; give the wike nyotice 
To *giggles shyly* Vawentinyus, Wowwand, and to Cwassus, 
And bid them b-bwing the *blushes* twumpets to the g-gate; 
But send me Fwavius fiwst. 
PETEW. It shaww be speeded weww. Exit F-FWIAW 

Entew VAWWIUS 

DUKE. I t-thank ^w^ thee, Vawwius; thou hast made good haste. 
Come, we wiww wawk. >_> Thewe's othew of o-ouw fwiends 
Wiww ^-^ gweet us x3 hewe anyon. My g-gentwe Vawwius! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
A UwU stweet nyeaw the city gate 

Entew I-ISABEWWA and MAWIANyA 

ISABEWWA. To speak so indiwectwy I am woath; 
I ^.^ wouwd say the twuth; xDD but to accuse him so, 
*teleports behind you* That is youw pawt. Y-Yet I am advis'd to do it; 
He says, to veiw fuww ^.^ puwpose. 
MAWIANyA. Be wuw'd ^w^ by him. 
ISABEWWA. Besides, he tewws me that, if pewadventuwe 
He speak against me *teleports behind you* on the advewse >_< side, 
I shouwd nyot think *moans* it stwange; fow 'tis a physic 
That's bittew to sweet end. 
MAWIANyA. I ^.^ wouwd F-Fwiaw Petew- 

Entew F-FWIAW PETEW 

ISABEWWA. O, peace! the fwiaw is come. 
PETEW. Come, I have ^w^ found you out a *looks at you* stand most fit, 
Whewe you may have such vantage *teleports behind you* on the D-Duke 
He shaww nyot pass you. T-Twice have the *blushes* twumpets sounded; 
The genyewous and gwavest citizens 
Have hent the gates, and vewy nyeaw upon 
The D-Duke is ent'wing; thewefowe, hence, a-away. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
The city gate 

Entew at sevewaw doows DUKE, VAWWIUS, *pokes you* WOWDS; A-ANGEWO, ESCAWUS, Wucio, 
*shuffles closer* PWOVOST, OFFICEWS, and CITIZENS 

DUKE. My vewy wowthy cousin, faiwwy met! 
Ouw owd and >_> faithfuw f-fwiend, we awe gwad to see you. 
A-ANGEWO, >_< ESCAWUS. Happy r-wetuwn be to youw woyaw Gwace! 
DUKE. Many and heawty thankings to you both. 
We have made inquiwy of y-you, and we heaw 
*screams* Such goodnyess of youw justice *sweats* that o-ouw souw 
Cannyot xDD but y-yiewd you f-fowth to pubwic thanks, 
Fowewunnying mowe wequitaw. 
ANGEWO. Y-You make my bonds stiww gweatew. 
DUKE. O, youw desewt speaks l-woud; and I shouwd wwong *moans* it 
To wock *moans* it in the wawds of covewt bosom, 
When *moans* it ^-^ desewves, *pokes you* with chawactews of bwass, 
A ^w^ fowted wesidence 'gainst the t-tooth of time 
And wazuwe of obwivion. Give me youw hand. 
And wet the subject see, to make them knyow 
*teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* outwawd couwtesies ^.^ wouwd fain pwocwaim 
Favouws *sweats* that keep *looks at you* within. Come, Escawus, 
Y-You must wawk ^w^ by us *teleports behind you* on o-ouw othew hand, 
And good suppowtews awe you. 

Entew F-FWIAW PETEW and I-ISABEWWA 

PETEW. >_> Nyow is youw time; speak woud, and knyeew befowe him. 
ISABEWWA. Justice, O woyaw Duke! Vaiw youw wegawd 
^-^ Upon a wwong'd- I ^.^ wouwd fain have s-said a x3 maid! 
O wowthy Pwince, dishonyouw nyot youw eye 
By t-thwowing *moans* it *teleports behind you* on any othew object 
Tiww you have h-heawd me in my twue compwaint, 
And given me j-justice, j-justice, j-justice, justice. 
DUKE. R-Wewate youw wwongs. In *cuddles you* what? By w-whom? Be bwief. 
Hewe is Wowd Angewo shaww give you justice; 
Weveaw youwsewf to him. 
ISABEWWA. O wowthy Duke, 
Y-You bid me seek wedemption of the deviw! 
Heaw me youwsewf; fow *sweats* that which I must speak 
M-Must ^w^ eithew p-punyish me, nyot being b-bewiev'd, 
Ow wwing wedwess fwom you. Heaw me, O, heaw me, hewe! 
ANGEWO. My wowd, h-hew wits, I feaw me, awe nyot fiwm; 
She hath been a suitow to me fow h-hew bwothew, 
Cut off ^w^ by *blushes* couwse of j-justice- 
ISABEWWA. By *blushes* couwse of justice! 
ANGEWO. And she wiww speak most bittewwy and stwange. 
ISABEWWA. Most *sweats* stwange, xDD but yet most twuwy, wiww I speak. 
*teleports behind you* That x3 Angewo's fowswown, is *moans* it nyot *giggles shyly* stwange? 
*teleports behind you* That x3 Angewo's a muwdewew, is't nyot *giggles shyly* stwange? 
*teleports behind you* That Angewo is an ^-^ aduwtewous thief, 
*looks at you* An hypocwite, a viwgin-viowatow, 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot stwange and *giggles shyly* stwange? 
DUKE. Nyay, *moans* it is ten times stwange. 
ISABEWWA. It is nyot *leans over* twuew he is Angewo 
*notices bulge* Than this is aww as twue as *moans* it is stwange; 
Nyay, *moans* it is ten times *shuffles closer* twue; fow uWu twuth is uWu twuth 
To th' end of weck'nying. 
DUKE. Away *pokes you* with hew. Poow souw, 
She speaks this in th' *cuddles you* infiwmity of sense. 
ISABEWWA. O P-Pwince! I conjuwe ^w^ thee, as thou bewiev'st 
*cries* Thewe is anyothew comfowt than this wowwd, 
*teleports behind you* That thou nyegwect me nyot *pokes you* with *sweats* that opinyion 
*teleports behind you* That I am t-touch'd *pokes you* with madnyess. Make nyot impossibwe 
*teleports behind you* That which xDD but seems *looks at you* unwike: 'tis nyot impossibwe 
But ^.^ onye, the wicked'st caitiff *teleports behind you* on the gwound, 
May seem as shy, as gwave, as just, as absowute, 
As A-Angewo; even so may :3 Angewo, 
In aww his dwessings, chawacts, t-titwes, fowms, 
Be an awch-viwwain. Bewieve it, woyaw Pwince, 
If he be wess, he's nyothing; xDD but he's mowe, 
Had I mowe nyame fow badnyess. 
DUKE. By minye honyesty, 
If she be *cries* mad, as I bewieve nyo othew, 
Hew madnyess hath the oddest fwame of sense, 
*screams* Such a dependency of thing *teleports behind you* on thing, 
As ^w^ e'ew I h-heawd in madnyess. 
ISABEWWA. O g-gwacious Duke, 
Hawp nyot *teleports behind you* on that; n-nyow do nyot banyish weason 
F-Fow inyequawity; xDD but wet youw weason sewve 
To make the uWu twuth appeaw whewe *moans* it seems hid, 
And hide the f-fawse seems twue. 
DUKE. Many *sweats* that awe nyot mad 
Have, suwe, mowe wack of r-weason. What ^.^ wouwd you say? 
ISABEWWA. I am the sistew of onye C-Cwaudio, 
Condemn'd upon the act of fownyication 
To wose his *sighs* head; condemn'd ^w^ by Angewo. 
I, in pwobation of a sistewhood, 
*hugs tightly* Was OwO sent to ^w^ by my bwothew; onye Wucio 
As then the >_< messengew- 
WUCIO. That's I, an't wike youw Gwace. 
I came to h-hew fwom C-Cwaudio, and desiw'd h-hew 
To t-twy h-hew g-gwacious fowtunye *pokes you* with Wowd Angewo 
F-Fow h-hew poow bwothew's pawdon. 
ISABEWWA. That's he, indeed. 
DUKE. Y-You wewe nyot bid to speak. 
WUCIO. N-Nyo, my good wowd; 
N-Nyow wish'd to howd my *teleports behind you* peace. 
DUKE. I wish you nyow, then; 
*twerks* Pway you take *pokes you* nyote of it; and when you have 
A businyess fow youwsewf, pway heaven you then 
Be pewfect. 
WUCIO. I wawwant youw >_> honyouw. 
DUKE. The wawwant's fow youwsewf; take heed to't. 
ISABEWWA. This gentweman towd somewhat of my tawe. 
WUCIO. OwO Wight. 
DUKE. It may be wight; xDD but you awe i-i' the wwong 
To speak befowe youw time. Pwoceed. 
ISABEWWA. I went 
To this pewnyicious caitiff deputy. 
DUKE. That's somewhat madwy spoken. 
ISABEWWA. Pawdon it; 
The p-phwase is to the mattew. 
DUKE. Mended again. The mattew- *looks at you* pwoceed. 
ISABEWWA. In bwief- to set the n-nyeedwess pwocess by, 
H-How I pewsuaded, how I pway'd, and >w< knyeew'd, 
H-How he wefeww'd me, and how I wepwied, 
F-Fow this was of much wength- the viwe concwusion 
I n-nyow begin *pokes you* with g-gwief and shame to uttew: 
He ^.^ wouwd nyot, xDD but ^w^ by gift of my chaste body 
To his concupiscibwe *looks away* intempewate wust, 
Wewease my bwothew; and, aftew much debatement, 
My sistewwy wemowse c-confutes minye honyouw, 
And I did y-yiewd to him. But the nyext m-mown betimes, 
His puwpose suwfeiting, he *shuffles closer* sends a wawwant 
F-Fow my poow bwothew's h-head. 
DUKE. This is most wikewy! 
ISABEWWA. O *sweats* that *moans* it wewe as wike as *moans* it is *notices bulge* twue! 
DUKE. By heaven, fond wwetch, thou knyow'st nyot w-what thou speak'st, 
Ow e-ewse thou awt subown'd against his honyouw 
In *sweats* hatefuw p-pwactice. Fiwst, his UwU integwity 
*notices bulge* Stands without bwemish; nyext, *moans* it impowts nyo weason 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with such vehemency he shouwd puwsue 
Fauwts pwopew to h-himsewf. If he h-had so offended, 
He ^.^ wouwd have weigh'd t-thy b-bwothew ^w^ by ^.^ himsewf, 
And nyot have cut him off. Some onye hath set you on; 
Confess the twuth, and say ^w^ by :33 whose advice 
*moans* Thou OwO cam'st x3 hewe to compwain. 
ISABEWWA. And is this aww? 
Then, O you bwessed minyistews above, 
Keep me in patience; and, *pokes you* with wipenyed time, 
Unfowd the eviw which is x3 hewe wwapt up 
In countenyance! *pokes you* Heaven shiewd youw Gwace fwom woe, 
As I, t-thus wwong'd, hence u-unbewieved *blushes* go! 
DUKE. I knyow you'd fain be gonye. *looks at you* An officew! 
To pwison *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! Shaww we t-thus pewmit 
A bwasting and a scandawous >_< bweath to faww 
On him so nyeaw us? This ;;w;; nyeeds must be a p-pwactice. 
Who knyew of youw intent and coming hithew? 
ISABEWWA. Onye *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd wewe hewe, F-Fwiaw Wodowick. 
DUKE. A ghostwy fathew, bewike. Who *looks away* knyows *sweats* that Wodowick? 
WUCIO. My wowd, I knyow :3 him; 'tis a meddwing f-fwiaw. 
I do nyot wike the man; h-had he been way, my wowd, 
F-Fow cewtain wowds he spake against youw Gwace 
In youw wetiwement, I h-had *sweats* swing'd him *notices bulge* soundwy. 
DUKE. W-Wowds against me? This's a good f-fwiaw, bewike! 
And to set *teleports behind you* on this wwetched woman x3 hewe 
Against o-ouw substitute! Wet this fwiaw be found. 
WUCIO. But yestewnyight, my wowd, she and *sweats* that f-fwiaw, 
I *moans* saw them at the pwison; a saucy f-fwiaw, 
A vewy scuwvy fewwow. 
PETEW. Bwessed be youw woyaw Gwace! 
I have stood by, my wowd, and I have h-heawd 
Youw woyaw eaw a-abus'd. Fiwst, hath this woman 
Most wwongfuwwy accus'd youw substitute; 
Who is as fwee fwom touch *blushes* ow soiw *pokes you* with h-hew 
As she fwom onye ungot. 
DUKE. We did bewieve nyo wess. 
Knyow you *sweats* that F-Fwiaw Wodowick *sweats* that she speaks o-of? 
PETEW. I knyow him fow a man d-divinye and howy; 
Nyot scuwvy, n-nyow a t-tempowawy m-meddwew, 
As he's x3 wepowted ^w^ by this gentweman; 
And, *teleports behind you* on my twust, a man *sweats* that nyevew yet 
D-Did, as he vouches, miswepowt youw Gwace. 
WUCIO. My wowd, most v-viwwainyouswy; bewieve it. 
PETEW. *sighs* Weww, he in time may come to cweaw himsewf; 
But at this instant he is sick, my wowd, 
Of a stwange fevew. ^-^ Upon his mewe wequest- 
Being come to knyowwedge *sweats* that thewe was compwaint 
Intended 'gainst Wowd Angewo- came I hithew 
To speak, as fwom his m-mouth, w-what he doth knyow 
*looks at you* Is twue and fawse; and w-what he, *pokes you* with his oath 
And aww pwobation, wiww make up fuww cweaw, 
Whensoevew he's convented. Fiwst, fow this woman- 
To justify this wowthy n-nyobweman, 
So vuwgawwy and pewsonyawwy >_< accus'd- 
Hew shaww you heaw d-dispwoved to h-hew e-eyes, 
Tiww she hewsewf *cuddles you* confess it. 
DUKE. Good f-fwiaw, wet's heaw it. Exit I-ISABEWWA guawded 
Do you nyot smiwe at t-this, Wowd Angewo? 
O heaven, the vanyity of wwetched foows! 
Give us *blushes* some seats. Come, c-cousin A-Angewo; 
In this I'ww be impawtiaw; be you judge 
Of youw own xDD cause. 

Entew MAWIANyA *moans* veiwed 

*looks at you* Is this the witnyess, fwiaw? 
FIWST wet h-hew show h-hew face, and aftew speak. 
MAWIANyA. Pawdon, my wowd; I wiww nyot show my *cuddles you* face 
Untiw my h-husband bid me. 
DUKE. What, awe you mawwied? 
MAWIANyA. N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. Awe you a m-maid? 
MAWIANyA. N-Nyo, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. A *moans* widow, then? 
MAWIANyA. N-Nyeithew, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. W-Why, you awe nyothing then; nyeithew maid, *moans* widow, n-nyow wife. 
WUCIO. My wowd, she may be a punk; fow many of them awe nyeithew 
maid, *moans* widow, n-nyow wife. 
DUKE. ;;w;; Siwence *sweats* that fewwow. I ^.^ wouwd he h-had *blushes* some c-cause 
To pwattwe fow h-himsewf. 
WUCIO. *sighs* Weww, my l-wowd. 
MAWIANyA. My wowd, I do *cuddles you* confess I nye'ew was m-mawwied, 
And I confess, *teleports behind you* besides, I am nyo maid. 
I have *teleports behind you* knyown my husband; yet my h-husband 
Knyows nyot *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew he knyew me. 
WUCIO. He was d-dwunk, then, my wowd; *moans* it can be nyo bettew. 
DUKE. F-Fow the b-benyefit of s-siwence, ^.^ wouwd thou wewt so too! 
WUCIO. *sighs* Weww, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. This is nyo witnyess fow Wowd Angewo. 
MAWIANyA. >_> Nyow I come t-to't, my wowd: 
She *sweats* that accuses him of *sighs* fownyication, 
In uWu sewf-same mannyew doth accuse my husband; 
And chawges him, my wowd, *pokes you* with such a time 
When I'ww d-depose I h-had him in minye awms, 
With aww th' effect of wove. 
ANGEWO. ;;w;; Chawges she *pokes you* moe than me? 
MAWIANyA. Nyot *sweats* that I knyow. 
DUKE. Nyo? Y-You say youw husband. 
MAWIANyA. W-Why, just, my wowd, and *sweats* that is :3 Angewo, 
Who thinks he *looks away* knyows *sweats* that he nye'ew knyew my body, 
But *looks away* knyows he thinks *sweats* that he *looks away* knyows Isabew's. 
ANGEWO. This is a stwange abuse. Wet's see t-thy face. 
MAWIANyA. My h-husband b-bids me; n-nyow I wiww unmask. 
[Unveiwing] 
This is *sweats* that face, thou *sighs* cwuew :3 Angewo, 
Which once thou swow'st was wowth the wooking on; 
This is the h-hand which, *pokes you* with a v-vow'd contwact, 
*hugs tightly* Was *looks away* fast bewock'd in thinye; this is the body 
*teleports behind you* That t-took away the match fwom Isabew, 
And did suppwy thee at t-thy gawden-house 
In h-hew imagin'd p-pewson. 
DUKE. Knyow you this woman? 
WUCIO. Cawnyawwy, she says. 
DUKE. S-Siwwah, nyo mowe. 
WUCIO. Enyough, my l-wowd. 
ANGEWO. My wowd, I must *cuddles you* confess I knyow this *blushes* woman; 
And five y-yeaws s-since thewe was *blushes* some speech of mawwiage 
Betwixt m-mysewf and hew; which was b-bwoke off, 
Pawtwy fow *sweats* that h-hew pwomised pwopowtions 
*teleports behind you* Came showt of composition; xDD but in c-chief 
F-Fow *sweats* that h-hew weputation was disvawued 
In wevity. Since which time of five y-yeaws 
I nyevew spake *pokes you* with hew, *moans* saw hew, n-nyow h-heawd fwom hew, 
^-^ Upon my faith and >_> honyouw. 
MAWIANyA. Nyobwe Pwince, 
As thewe c-comes wight fwom heaven and wowds fwom bweath, 
As thewe is sense in uWu twuth and uWu twuth in viwtue, 
I am affianc'd this man's wife as *shuffles closer* stwongwy 
As wowds couwd make up vows. And, my good wowd, 
But Tuesday nyight wast :3 gonye, in's gawden-house, 
He knyew me as a wife. As this is twue, 
Wet me in safety waise me fwom my knyees, 
Ow e-ewse fow *giggles shyly* evew be confixed hewe, 
A mawbwe monyument! 
ANGEWO. I did xDD but smiwe tiww nyow. 
Nyow, good my wowd, give me the scope of justice; 
My p-patience x3 hewe is touch'd. I do p-pewceive 
These poow infowmaw women awe nyo mowe 
But instwuments of *blushes* some mowe >_< mightiew membew 
*teleports behind you* That sets them on. Wet me have way, my wowd, 
To find this ^-^ pwactice ^w^ out. 
DUKE. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with my heawt; 
And p-punyish them to youw height of pweasuwe. 
*moans* Thou foowish f-fwiaw, and thou pewnyicious woman, 
Compact *pokes you* with h-hew that's :3 gonye, think'st thou t-thy oaths, 
Though they ^.^ wouwd sweaw down each pawticuwaw saint, 
Wewe testimonyies against his wowth and *sighs* cwedit, 
That's seaw'd in appwobation? You, Wowd Escawus, 
Sit *pokes you* with my cousin; UwU wend him youw k-kind pains 
To find out this abuse, whence 'tis *shuffles closer* dewiv'd. 
*cries* Thewe is anyothew fwiaw *sweats* that set them on; 
Wet him be OwO sent *shuffles closer* fow. 
PETEW. Wouwd wie wewe hewe, my wowd! F-Fow he indeed 
Hath set the women *teleports behind you* on to this c-compwaint. 
Youw pwovost *looks away* knyows the pwace whewe he abides, 
And he may fetch him. 
DUKE. Go, do *moans* it instantwy. Exit uWu PWOVOST 
And y-you, my nyobwe and uWu weww-wawwanted cousin, 
Whom *moans* it concewns to heaw this mattew fowth, 
Do *pokes you* with youw injuwies as seems you best 
In any chastisement. I fow a whiwe wiww weave you; 
But s-stiw nyot you tiww you have weww *moans* detewmin'd 
^-^ Upon these swandewews. 
>_< ESCAWUS. My wowd, we'ww do *moans* it thwoughwy. Exit D-DUKE 
Signyiow Wucio, did nyot you say you knyew *sweats* that F-Fwiaw Wodowick to be 
a dishonyest pewson? 
WUCIO. 'Cucuwwus nyon facit monyachum': honyest in nyothing xDD but in his 
*sweats* cwothes; and onye *sweats* that hath s-spoke most *moans* viwwainyous speeches of the 
Duke. 
>_< ESCAWUS. We shaww entweat you to abide x3 hewe tiww he come and 
enfowce them against him. We shaww find this fwiaw a nyotabwe 
fewwow. 
WUCIO. As any in Viennya, *teleports behind you* on my wowd. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Caww *sweats* that same Isabew x3 hewe once again; I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with 
hew. [Exit an ATTENDANT] *twerks* Pway y-you, my wowd, give me weave to 
question; you shaww see how I'ww >_> handwe hew. 
WUCIO. Nyot bettew than he, ^w^ by h-hew own wepowt. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Say you? 
WUCIO. Mawwy, siw, I think, if you handwed h-hew pwivatewy, she ^.^ wouwd 
soonyew ^w^ confess; pewchance, pubwicwy, *hugs tightly* she'ww be asham'd. 

We-entew OFFICEWS *pokes you* with ISABEWWA; and uWu PWOVOST *pokes you* with the 
D-DUKE in his fwiaw's habit 

>_< ESCAWUS. I wiww go dawkwy to wowk *pokes you* with hew. 
WUCIO. That's the way; fow women awe wight at midnyight. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Come on, mistwess; hewe's a gentwewoman *notices bulge* denyies aww *sweats* that 
you have said. 
WUCIO. My wowd, x3 hewe c-comes the wascaw I s-spoke of, x3 hewe *pokes you* with the 
P-Pwovost. 
>_< ESCAWUS. In vewy good time. Speak nyot you to him tiww we *giggles shyly* caww upon 
you. 
WUCIO. xDD Mum. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Come, siw; did you set these women *teleports behind you* on to swandew Wowd 
Angewo? They have ^.^ confess'd you did. 
DUKE. 'Tis fawse. 
>_< ESCAWUS. H-How! Knyow you whewe you awe? 
DUKE. Wespect to youw gweat pwace! and wet the deviw 
Be sometime honyouw'd fow his buwnying thwonye! 
Whewe is the Duke? 'Tis he shouwd heaw me speak. 
>_< ESCAWUS. The Duke's in us; and we wiww heaw you speak; 
Wook you speak justwy. 
DUKE. Bowdwy, at weast. But, O, poow souws, 
Come you to seek the wamb x3 hewe of the *teleports behind you* fox, 
Good nyight to youw wedwess! *looks at you* Is the D-Duke gonye? 
T-Then is youw c-cause g-gonye too. The Duke's unjust 
Thus to wetowt youw manyifest appeaw, 
And p-put youw twiaw in the viwwain's mouth 
Which x3 hewe you come to accuse. 
WUCIO. This is the wascaw; this is he I s-spoke of. 
>_< ESCAWUS. W-Why, thou unwevewend and unhawwowed f-fwiaw, 
Is't nyot enyough thou hast subown'd these women 
To accuse this wowthy m-man, but, in f-fouw m-mouth, 
And in the witnyess of his pwopew eaw, 
To *giggles shyly* caww him viwwain; and then to ^w^ gwance fwom him 
To th' D-Duke ^.^ himsewf, to UwU tax him *pokes you* with injustice? 
Take him hence; to th' OwO wack *pokes you* with him! We'ww touze you 
Joint ^w^ by joint, xDD but we wiww knyow his ^.^ puwpose. 
What, '-'unjust'! 
DUKE. Be nyot so hot; the D-Duke 
Dawe nyo mowe stwetch this fingew of minye than he 
Dawe OwO wack his own; his subject am I nyot, 
N-Nyow x3 hewe pwovinciaw. My businyess in this state 
Made me a wookew-on x3 hewe in Viennya, 
Whewe I have :33 seen c-cowwuption boiw and >w< bubbwe 
Tiww *moans* it o'ewwun the stew: waws fow aww fauwts, 
But fauwts so countenyanc'd *sweats* that the stwong statutes 
Stand wike the fowfeits in a bawbew's shop, 
As much in mock as mawk. 
>_< ESCAWUS. Swandew to th' state! Away *pokes you* with him to p-pwison! 
ANGEWO. What can you ^w^ vouch against him, Signyiow *looks away* Wucio? 
*looks at you* Is this the man *sweats* that you did teww us o-of? 
WUCIO. 'Tis he, my l-wowd. Come h-hithew, good-man bawd-pate. 
Do you knyow me? 
DUKE. I wemembew y-you, siw, ^w^ by the s-sound of youw voice. I m-met you at 
the p-pwison, in the >_> absence of the Duke. 
WUCIO. O did you *moans* so? And do you wemembew w-what you s-said of the Duke? 
DUKE. Most nyotedwy, siw. 
WUCIO. Do you so, s-siw? And was the D-Duke a f-fweshmongew, a foow, and 
a cowawd, as you then x3 wepowted him to b-be? 
DUKE. Y-You must, siw, change p-pewsons *pokes you* with me ewe you make *sweats* that my 
OwO wepowt; y-you, indeed, s-spoke so of :3 him; and much mowe, much wowse. 
WUCIO. O thou damnyabwe fewwow! *sweats* Did nyot I pwuck thee ^w^ by the nyose fow 
t-thy speeches? 
DUKE. I pwotest I wove the D-Duke as I wove mysewf. 
ANGEWO. Hawk how the viwwain ^.^ wouwd cwose nyow, aftew his tweasonyabwe 
*sweats* abuses! 
>_< ESCAWUS. *screams* Such a fewwow is nyot to be tawk'd withaw. Away *pokes you* with him to 
p-pwison! Whewe is the Pwovost? Away *pokes you* with him to p-pwison! L-Way bowts 
enyough upon :3 him; wet him speak nyo mowe. Away *pokes you* with those gigwets 
too, and *pokes you* with the othew confedewate companyion! 
[The uWu PWOVOST ways UwU bands *teleports behind you* on the DUKE] 
DUKE. Stay, siw; >_< stay awhiwe. 
ANGEWO. What, wesists *sighs* he? Hewp him, Wucio. 
WUCIO. Come, siw; come, siw; come, siw; foh, siw! W-Why, you 
bawd-pated wying wascaw, you must be hooded, must you? Show youw 
knyave's v-visage, *pokes you* with a p-pox to y-you! Show youw sheep-biting face, 
and be hang'd an houw! Wiww't nyot off? 
[Puwws off the FWIAW'S bood and *notices bulge* discovews the DUKE] 
DUKE. *moans* Thou awt the f-fiwst knyave *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew mad'st a duke. 
Fiwst, P-Pwovost, wet me OwO baiw these g-gentwe thwee. 
[To Wucio] Snyeak nyot away, siw, fow the fwiaw and you 
M-Must have a wowd anyon. L-Way howd *teleports behind you* on him. 
WUCIO. This may *shuffles closer* pwove wowse than hanging. 
DUKE. [To E-ESCAWUS] What you have s-spoke I pawdon; sit you :33 down. 
We'ww bowwow pwace of him. [To ANGEWO] Siw, ^w^ by youw >_< weave. 
Hast thou *blushes* ow wowd, *blushes* ow wit, *blushes* ow impudence, 
*teleports behind you* That yet can do thee office? If thou hast, 
Wewy upon *moans* it tiww my tawe be heawd, 
And howd nyo *teleports behind you* wongew ^w^ out. 
ANGEWO. O my xDD dwead wowd, 
I shouwd be *twerks* guiwtiew than my guiwtinyess, 
To think I can be undiscewnyibwe, 
When I p-pewceive youw Gwace, wike pow'w divinye, 
Hath wook'd upon my passes. Then, good Pwince, 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *blushes* session howd upon my shame, 
But wet my twiaw be minye own confession; 
Immediate s-sentence then, and s-sequent death, 
*looks at you* Is aww the gwace I b-beg. 
DUKE. Come h-hithew, Mawianya. 
Say, wast thou ^w^ e'ew c-contwacted to this woman? 
ANGEWO. I was, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. Go, take h-hew hence and mawwy h-hew instantwy. 
Do you the office, f-fwiaw; which consummate, 
Wetuwn him x3 hewe again. Go *pokes you* with him, P-Pwovost. 
UwU Exeunt A-ANGEWO, M-MAWIANyA, F-FWIAW PETEW, and uWu PWOVOST 
>_< ESCAWUS. My wowd, I am mowe amaz'd at his dishonyouw 
*notices bulge* Than at the stwangenyess of it. 
DUKE. Come h-hithew, Isabew. 
Youw fwiaw is n-nyow youw pwince. As I was then 
Advewtising and howy to youw businyess, 
Nyot changing heawt *pokes you* with :3 habit, I am stiww 
Attownyey'd at youw sewvice. 
ISABEWWA. O, give me pawdon, 
*teleports behind you* That I, youw vassaw have empwoy'd and pain'd 
Youw unknyown *screams* soveweignty. 
DUKE. Y-You awe :3 pawdon'd, Isabew. 
And nyow, deaw maid, be you as fwee to us. 
Youw bwothew's death, I knyow, sits at youw heawt; 
And you may mawvew why I obscuw'd *twerks* mysewf, 
L-Wabouwing to uWu save his l-wife, and ^.^ wouwd nyot wathew 
Make r-wash wemonstwance of my hidden pow'w 
*notices bulge* Than wet him so be *notices bulge* wost. O most k-kind maid, 
It was the swift cewewity of his death, 
Which I did think *pokes you* with swowew f-foot came on, 
*teleports behind you* That bwain'd my ^.^ puwpose. But peace be *pokes you* with him! 
*teleports behind you* That wife is bettew l-wife, past *sweats* feawing death, 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that which wives to *pokes you* feaw. Make *moans* it youw comfowt, 
So happy is youw bwothew. 
ISABEWWA. I do, my l-wowd. 

We-entew A-ANGEWO, M-MAWIANyA, F-FWIAW PETEW, and uWu PWOVOST 

DUKE. F-Fow this nyew-mawwied man appwoaching hewe, 
Whose uWu sawt uWu imaginyation yet hath wwong'd 
Youw weww-defended honyouw, you must pawdon 
F-Fow ^-^ Mawianya's sake; xDD but as he adjudg'd youw bwothew- 
Being c-cwiminyaw in doubwe *looks away* viowation 
Of sacwed chastity and of pwomise-bweach, 
Theweon dependent, fow youw bwothew's wife- 
The vewy mewcy of the waw *hugs tightly* cwies out 
Most a-audibwe, even fwom his pwopew t-tongue, 
'An Angewo fow C-Cwaudio, death fow death!' 
Haste stiww pays haste, and *moans* weisuwe answews weisuwe; 
Wike doth *teleports behind you* quit wike, and Measuwe stiww fow ^.^ Measuwe. 
Then, :3 Angewo, t-thy fauwt's t-thus xDD manyifested, 
Which, *sighs* though thou wouwdst deny, *notices bulge* denyies thee vantage. 
We do condemn thee to the vewy bwock 
Whewe Cwaudio stoop'd to death, and *pokes you* with wike haste. 
Away *pokes you* with him! 
MAWIANyA. O my most g-gwacious wowd, 
I hope you wiww nyot mock me *pokes you* with a husband. 
DUKE. It is youw h-husband mock'd you *pokes you* with a husband. 
Consenting to the safeguawd of youw honyouw, 
I thought youw mawwiage *shuffles closer* fit; e-ewse imputation, 
F-Fow *sweats* that he knyew y-you, might wepwoach youw l-wife, 
And choke youw good to come. F-Fow his possessions, 
Awthough ^w^ by c-confiscation they awe ouws, 
We do instate and widow you *shuffles closer* withaw 
To b-buy you a bettew husband. 
MAWIANyA. O my deaw wowd, 
I c-cwave nyo othew, n-nyow nyo bettew *pokes you* man. 
DUKE. Nyevew c-cwave :3 him; we awe definyitive. 
MAWIANyA. Gentwe my wiege- [Knyeewing] 
DUKE. Y-You do xDD but wose youw wabouw. 
Away *pokes you* with him to death! [To WUCIO] Nyow, siw, to you. 
MAWIANyA. O my good wowd! Sweet Isabew, take my pawt; 
Wend me youw knyees, and aww my wife to come 
I'ww UwU wend you aww my wife to do you sewvice. 
DUKE. Against aww sense you do *sweats* impowtunye hew. 
Shouwd she knyeew down in mewcy of this fact, 
Hew bwothew's ghost his p-paved b-bed ^.^ wouwd >w< bweak, 
And take h-hew hence in howwow. 
MAWIANyA. Isabew, 
Sweet Isabew, do yet xDD but knyeew ^w^ by me; 
H-Howd up youw uWu hands, say nyothing; I'ww speak aww. 
They say best men m-mouwded out of fauwts; 
And, fow the most, become much mowe the bettew 
F-Fow being a wittwe bad; so may my husband. 
O Isabew, wiww you nyot UwU wend a knyee? 
DUKE. He dies fow C-Cwaudio's death. 
ISABEWWA. [Knyeewing] Most bounteous siw, 
Wook, if *moans* it pwease y-you, *teleports behind you* on this man condemn'd, 
As if my b-bwothew wiv'd. I pawtwy think 
A due sincewity govewn'd his deeds 
Tiww he did wook *teleports behind you* on me; s-since *moans* it is so, 
Wet him nyot die. My b-bwothew h-had xDD but j-justice, 
In *sweats* that he did the thing fow which he died; 
F-Fow :3 Angewo, 
His act did nyot *sighs* o'ewtake his UwU bad intent, 
And must be buwied xDD but as an intent 
*teleports behind you* That pewish'd ^w^ by the way. *cries* Thoughts awe nyo subjects; 
;;w;; Intents xDD but *looks at you* mewewy thoughts. 
MAWIANyA. Mewewy, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. Youw suit's u-unpwofitabwe; *looks at you* stand up, I say. 
I have bethought me of anyothew f-fauwt. 
P-Pwovost, how came *moans* it Cwaudio was beheaded 
At an unyusuaw houw? 
PWOVOST. It was *moans* commanded so. 
DUKE. Had you a speciaw wawwant fow the deed? 
PWOVOST. N-Nyo, my good wowd; *moans* it was ^w^ by pwivate uWu message. 
DUKE. F-Fow which I do dischawge you of youw uWu office; 
Give up youw keys. 
PWOVOST. Pawdon me, nyobwe wowd; 
I thought *moans* it was a fauwt, xDD but knyew *moans* it nyot; 
Y-Yet did wepent me, aftew mowe advice; 
F-Fow testimony wheweof, onye in the p-pwison, 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd ^w^ by pwivate owdew e-ewse have died, 
I have wesewv'd awive. 
DUKE. What's *sighs* he? 
PWOVOST. His nyame is Bawnyawdinye. 
DUKE. I ^.^ wouwd thou hadst donye so ^w^ by ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Go fetch him hithew; wet me wook upon him. Exit uWu PWOVOST 
>_< ESCAWUS. I am sowwy onye so weawnyed and so w-wise 
As y-you, Wowd :3 Angewo, have stiww appeaw'd, 
Shouwd swip so gwosswy, b-both in the heat of b-bwood 
And wack of tempew'd judgment aftewwawd. 
ANGEWO. I am sowwy *sweats* that such sowwow I pwocuwe; 
And so deep sticks *moans* it in my penyitent heawt 
*teleports behind you* That I c-cwave death mowe wiwwingwy than mewcy; 
'Tis my d-desewving, and I do entweat it. 

We-entew *shuffles closer* PWOVOST, *pokes you* with BAWNyAWDINyE, CWAUDIO (muffwed) 
and J-JUWIET 

DUKE. Which is *sweats* that Bawnyawdinye? 
PWOVOST. This, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. *cries* Thewe was a fwiaw towd me of this *pokes you* man. 
S-Siwwah, thou awt s-said to have a stubbown souw, 
*teleports behind you* That appwehends nyo *twerks* fuwthew than this wowwd, 
And squaw'st t-thy wife accowding. T-Thou'wt condemn'd; 
But, fow those eawthwy fauwts, I *teleports behind you* quit them a-aww, 
And pway thee take this mewcy to pwovide 
F-Fow bettew times to come. Fwiaw, advise :3 him; 
I weave him to youw hand. What muffw'd fewwow's that? 
PWOVOST. This is anyothew pwisonyew *sweats* that I sav'd, 
Who shouwd have died when Cwaudio wost his *sighs* head; 
As wike awmost to Cwaudio as h-himsewf. ^-^ [Unmuffwes CWAUDIO] 
DUKE. [To ISABEWWA] If he be wike youw bwothew, fow his sake 
*looks at you* Is he pawdon'd; and fow youw wovewy sake, 
Give me youw h-hand and say you wiww be minye, 
He is my b-bwothew too. But fittew time fow that. 
By this Wowd Angewo pewceives he's safe; 
Methinks I see a q-quick'nying in his eye. 
*sighs* Weww, :3 Angewo, youw eviw quits you weww. 
Wook *sweats* that you wove youw wife; h-hew wowth wowth youws. 
I find an apt wemission in mysewf; 
And yet hewe's onye in pwace I cannyot pawdon. 
To Wucio] You, siwwah, *sweats* that knyew me fow a foow, a cowawd, 
Onye aww of wuxuwy, an ass, a *cries* madman! 
Whewein have I so desewv'd of you 
*teleports behind you* That you e-extow me t-thus? 
WUCIO. Faith, my wowd, I s-spoke *moans* it xDD but accowding to the twick. 
If you wiww hang me fow it, you may; xDD but I h-had wathew *moans* it ^.^ wouwd 
pwease you I might be whipt. 
DUKE. Whipt fiwst, siw, and hang'd aftew. 
Pwocwaim it, P-Pwovost, wound a-about the city, 
If any woman wwong'd ^w^ by this wewd f-fewwow- 
As I have h-heawd him sweaw himsewf thewe's onye 
Whom he begot *pokes you* with chiwd, wet h-hew appeaw, 
And he shaww mawwy hew. The nyuptiaw *cuddles you* finyish'd, 
Wet him be whipt and hang'd. 
WUCIO. I beseech youw Highnyess, do nyot mawwy me to a whowe. Youw 
*sweats* Highnyess s-said even n-nyow I made you a duke; good my wowd, do nyot 
wecompense me in making me a cuckowd. 
DUKE. ^-^ Upon minye honyouw, thou shawt mawwy hew. 
Thy swandews I f-fowgive; and thewewithaw 
Wemit t-thy othew fowfeits. Take him to pwison; 
And see o-ouw pweasuwe hewein executed. 
WUCIO. Mawwying a punk, my wowd, is >_> pwessing to death, whipping, 
and hanging. 
DUKE. >_< Swandewing a pwince d-desewves it. 
UwU Exeunt OFFICEWS *pokes you* with WUCIO 
She, C-Cwaudio, *sweats* that you wwong'd, wook you westowe. 
Joy to y-you, Mawianya! Wove hew, A-Angewo; 
I have ^.^ confess'd hew, and I knyow h-hew viwtue. 
>w< Thanks, good fwiend Escawus, fow t-thy much goodnyess; 
>_> Thewe's mowe UwU behind *sweats* that is mowe gwatuwate. 
>w< Thanks, P-Pwovost, fow t-thy OwO cawe and secwecy; 
We shaww empwoy thee in a wowthiew pwace. 
Fowgive him, :3 Angewo, *sweats* that >w< bwought you h-home 
The *sweats* head of Wagozinye fow Cwaudio's: 
Th' offence pawdons itsewf. Deaw Isabew, 
I have a motion much impowts youw good; 
Wheweto if y-you'ww a wiwwing eaw i-incwinye, 
What's minye is youws, and w-what is youws is minye. 
>_> So, b-bwing us to o-ouw pawace, whewe we'ww show 
What's yet UwU behind that's meet you aww shouwd knyow. 
UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





*hugs tightly* 1597 

THE MEWCHANT OF VENyICE 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

THE D-DUKE OF VENyICE 
THE PWINCE OF MOWOCCO, suitow to Powtia 
THE PWINCE OF AWWAGON, " " " 
*giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, a mewchant of V-Venyice 
^.^ BASSANyIO, his f-fwiend, suitow to Powtia 
SOWANyIO, fwiend to Antonyio and Bassanyio 
SAWEWIO, " " " " " 
GWATIANyO, " " " " " 
WOWENZO, in wove *pokes you* with Jessica 
S-SHYWOCK, a wich Jew 
TUBAW, a Jew, his fwiend 
WAUNCEWOT GOBBO, a :3 cwown, sewvant to *teleports behind you* Shywock 
UwU OWD GOBBO, fathew to Wauncewot 
*looks away* WEONyAWDO, sewvant to Bassanyio 
>_< BAWTHASAW, sewvant to Powtia 
STEPHANyO, " " " 

POWTIA, a wich heiwess 
NyEWISSA, h-hew waiting-maid 
JESSICA, daughtew to *teleports behind you* Shywock 

Magnyificoes of Venyice, Officews of the Couwt of Justice, 
Gaowew, *looks away* Sewvants, and othew Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Venyice, and POWTIA'S h-house at Bewmont 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, SAWEWIO, and SOWANyIO 

ANTONyIO. In sooth, I knyow nyot why I am so >_> sad. 
It weawies me; you say *moans* it weawies you; 
But how I caught it, ^w^ found it, *blushes* ow came ^w^ by it, 
What s-stuff 'tis made of, wheweof *moans* it is b-bown, 
I am to weawn; 
And such a want-wit s-sadnyess makes of me 
*teleports behind you* That I have much ado to knyow mysewf. 
SAWEWIO. Youw mind is *hugs tightly* tossing *teleports behind you* on the ocean; 
*cries* Thewe whewe youw awgosies, *pokes you* with powtwy saiw- 
Wike signyiows and wich *notices bulge* buwghews *teleports behind you* on the fwood, 
Ow as *moans* it wewe the p-pageants of the sea- 
Do ovewpeew the petty twaffickews, 
*teleports behind you* That cuwtsy to them, do them wevewence, 
As they f-fwy ^w^ by them *pokes you* with t-theiw *shuffles closer* woven w-wings. 
SOWANyIO. Bewieve me, siw, h-had I such ventuwe fowth, 
The bettew *cries* pawt of my affections ^.^ wouwd 
Be *pokes you* with my hopes a-abwoad. I shouwd be stiww 
*looks at you* Pwucking the gwass to knyow whewe sits the wind, 
Peewing in maps fow powts, and piews, and woads; 
And evewy object *sweats* that might make me feaw 
Misfowtunye to my ventuwes, out of doubt, 
Wouwd make me >_> sad. 
SAWEWIO. My wind, coowing my bwoth, 
Wouwd bwow me to an a-ague when I thought 
What hawm a *cuddles you* wind too gweat might do at sea. 
I shouwd nyot see the UwU sandy houw-gwass wun 
But I shouwd think of shawwows and of fwats, 
And see my weawthy Andwew dock'd in sand, 
Vaiwing h-hew ^.^ high t-top *cuddles you* wowew than h-hew wibs 
To kiss h-hew buwiaw. Shouwd I go to c-chuwch 
And see the howy edifice of *leans over* stonye, 
And nyot bethink me stwaight of d-dangewous wocks, 
Which, touching xDD but my g-gentwe vessew's >_< side, 
Wouwd scattew aww h-hew spices *teleports behind you* on the stweam, 
Enwobe the r-woawing watews *pokes you* with my siwks, 
And, in a wowd, xDD but even n-nyow wowth t-this, 
And n-nyow wowth nyothing? Shaww I have the thought 
To think *teleports behind you* on t-this, and shaww I wack the thought 
*teleports behind you* That such a thing bechanc'd ^.^ wouwd make me x3 sad? 
But teww nyot me; I knyow Antonyio 
*looks at you* Is sad to think upon his mewchandise. 
ANTONyIO. Bewieve me, nyo; I t-thank my fowtunye fow it, 
My ventuwes awe nyot in onye bottom twusted, 
N-Nyow to onye pwace; n-nyow is my whowe estate 
^-^ Upon the fowtunye of this ^.^ pwesent yeaw; 
Thewefowe my mewchandise makes me nyot >_> sad. 
SOWANyIO. Why then you awe in wove. 
ANTONyIO. Fie, fie! 
SOWANyIO. Nyot in wove nyeithew? T-Then wet us say you awe sad 
*screams* Because you awe nyot mewwy; and 'twewe as e-easy 
F-Fow you to *looks at you* waugh and weap and say you awe mewwy, 
*screams* Because you awe nyot >_> sad. Nyow, ^w^ by two-headed Janyus, 
Nyatuwe hath *looks at you* fwam'd stwange f-fewwows in h-hew t-time: 
Some *sweats* that wiww evewmowe peep uWu thwough t-theiw e-eyes, 
And *looks at you* waugh wike pawwots at a bag-pipew; 
And othew of such vinyegaw *sighs* aspect 
*teleports behind you* That they'ww nyot show t-theiw teeth in way of smiwe 
Though *looks at you* Nyestow sweaw the jest be waughabwe. 

Entew ^.^ BASSANyIO, WOWENZO, and *shuffles closer* GWATIANyO 

Hewe c-comes B-Bassanyio, youw most nyobwe kinsman, 
Gwatianyo and Wowenzo. Fawe ye weww; 
We weave you n-nyow *pokes you* with bettew company. 
SAWEWIO. I ^.^ wouwd have stay'd tiww I h-had made you mewwy, 
If wowthiew fwiends h-had nyot pwevented me. 
ANTONyIO. Youw wowth is vewy deaw in my wegawd. 
I take *moans* it youw own businyess cawws *teleports behind you* on y-you, 
And you embwace th' occasion to depawt. 
SAWEWIO. Good OwO mowwow, my good wowds. 
BASSANyIO. Good signyiows both, when shaww we waugh? Say x3 when. 
Y-You gwow exceeding stwange; must *moans* it be *moans* so? 
SAWEWIO. We'ww make o-ouw weisuwes to a-attend *teleports behind you* on youws. 
UwU Exeunt SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO 
WOWENZO. My Wowd B-Bassanyio, s-since you have ^w^ found Antonyio, 
We xDD two wiww weave you; xDD but at dinnyew-time, 
I pway y-you, have in mind whewe we must meet. 
BASSANyIO. I wiww nyot *sweats* faiw you. 
GWATIANyO. Y-You wook nyot weww, Signyiow OwO Antonyio; 
Y-You have too much wespect upon the wowwd; 
They wose *moans* it *sweats* that do b-buy *moans* it *pokes you* with much cawe. 
Bewieve me, you awe mawvewwouswy chang'd. 
ANTONyIO. I howd the wowwd xDD but as the wowwd, G-Gwatianyo- 
A stage, whewe evewy man must pway a pawt, 
And minye a sad onye. 
GWATIANyO. Wet me pway the foow. 
With miwth and waughtew wet owd wwinkwes come; 
And wet my wivew wathew heat *pokes you* with winye 
*notices bulge* Than my heawt coow *pokes you* with mowtifying gwoans. 
Why shouwd a man :33 whose b-bwood is wawm within 
Sit wike his gwandsiwe cut in awabastew, 
*sighs* Sweep when he wakes, and cweep into the >_< jaundice 
By being p-peevish? I teww thee what, Antonyio- 
I wove ^w^ thee, and 'tis my wove *sweats* that speaks- 
*cries* Thewe awe a sowt of men :33 whose visages 
Do cweam and mantwe wike a >_< standing pond, 
And do a wiwfuw stiwwnyess entewtain, 
With puwpose to be dwess'd in an opinyion 
Of wisdom, gwavity, p-pwofound conceit; 
As w-who shouwd say *sighs* 'I am Siw Owacwe, 
And when I ope my wips wet nyo dog bawk.' 
O my Antonyio, I do knyow of these 
*teleports behind you* That thewefowe onwy awe r-weputed w-wise 
F-Fow >w< saying nyothing; when, I am vewy suwe, 
If they shouwd speak, ^.^ wouwd awmost damn those eaws 
Which, heawing them, ^.^ wouwd *giggles shyly* caww t-theiw bwothews foows. 
I'ww teww thee mowe of this anyothew time. 
But f-fish nyot *pokes you* with this mewanchowy bait 
F-Fow this foow gudgeon, this opinyion. 
Come, good Wowenzo. Fawe ye weww ^.^ awhiwe; 
I'ww end my exhowtation aftew dinnyew. 
WOWENZO. *sighs* Weww, we wiww weave you then tiww dinnyew-time. 
I must be onye of these same dumb w-wise men, 
F-Fow Gwatianyo nyevew wets me speak. 
GWATIANyO. *sighs* Weww, keep me company xDD but xDD two y-yeaws moe, 
*moans* Thou shawt nyot knyow the s-sound of thinye own tongue. 
ANTONyIO. Fawe you weww; I'ww gwow a *twerks* tawkew fow this geaw. 
GWATIANyO. >w< Thanks, i-i' faith, fow siwence is onwy commendabwe 
In a nyeat's t-tongue dwied, and a maid nyot vendibwe. 
UwU Exeunt *shuffles closer* GWATIANyO and L-WOWENZO 
ANTONyIO. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that anything nyow? 
BASSANyIO. Gwatianyo speaks an infinyite deaw of nyothing, mowe than 
any man in aww Venyice. His weasons awe as xDD two x3 gwains of w-wheat hid 
in, xDD two bushews of chaff: you shaww seek aww day ewe you find 
them, and when you have them they awe nyot wowth the seawch. 
ANTONyIO. W-Weww; teww me n-nyow w-what wady is the same 
To whom you >_> swowe a secwet piwgwimage, 
*teleports behind you* That you to-day pwomis'd to teww me o-of? 
BASSANyIO. 'Tis nyot unknyown to y-you, Antonyio, 
H-How much I have disabwed minye estate 
By s-something showing a mowe s-swewwing powt 
*notices bulge* Than my faint means ^.^ wouwd gwant continyuance; 
N-Nyow do I n-nyow make moan to be abwidg'd 
Fwom such a nyobwe wate; xDD but my c-chief OwO cawe 
*looks at you* Is to come faiwwy off fwom the gweat d-debts 
Whewein my time, s-something too pwodigaw, 
Hath >w< weft me gag'd. To y-you, Antonyio, 
I owe the most, in monyey and in wove; 
And fwom youw wove I have a wawwanty 
To unbuwden aww my >_> pwots and puwposes 
H-How to get cweaw of aww the d-debts I owe. 
ANTONyIO. I pway y-you, good B-Bassanyio, wet me knyow it; 
And if *moans* it stand, as you youwsewf stiww do, 
Within the eye of honyouw, be assuw'd 
My ^.^ puwse, my *moans* pewson, my extwemest UwU means, 
Wie aww unwock'd to youw occasions. 
BASSANyIO. In my s-schoow-days, when I h-had wost onye shaft, 
I *sweats* shot his fewwow of the uWu sewf-same fwight 
The uWu sewf-same way, *pokes you* with mowe advised watch, 
To find the othew fowth; and ^w^ by a-adventuwing b-both 
I oft ^w^ found both. I uwge this chiwdhood pwoof, 
*screams* Because w-what f-fowwows is puwe innyocence. 
I owe you *moans* much; and, wike a wiwfuw >_< youth, 
*teleports behind you* That which I owe is wost; xDD but if you pwease 
To shoot anyothew awwow *sweats* that sewf way 
Which you did shoot the fiwst, I do nyot doubt, 
As I wiww watch the aim, *blushes* ow to find both, 
Ow b-bwing youw wattew h-hazawd back ;;w;; again 
And thankfuwwy west *cuddles you* debtow fow the fiwst. 
ANTONyIO. Y-You knyow me weww, and hewein spend xDD but time 
To *cuddles you* wind a-about my wove *pokes you* with ciwcumstance; 
And out of d-doubt you do me n-nyow mowe wwong 
In making question of my uttewmost 
*notices bulge* Than if you h-had made waste of aww I have. 
T-Then do xDD but say to me w-what I shouwd do 
*teleports behind you* That in youw knyowwedge may ^w^ by me be donye, 
And I am pwest unto it; thewefowe, speak. 
BASSANyIO. In Bewmont is a wady wichwy weft, 
And she is *looks at you* faiw and, faiwew than *sweats* that wowd, 
Of *cuddles you* wondwous viwtues. Sometimes fwom h-hew eyes 
I did weceive *looks at you* faiw speechwess messages. 
Hew nyame is Powtia- nyothing undewvawu'd 
To Cato's daughtew, Bwutus' P-Powtia. 
N-Nyow is the wide wowwd ignyowant of h-hew wowth; 
F-Fow the fouw w-winds bwow in fwom evewy coast 
Wenyownyed suitows, and h-hew sunny wocks 
Hang *teleports behind you* on h-hew tempwes wike a gowden fweece, 
Which makes h-hew seat of Bewmont C-Cowchos' stwond, 
And many Jasons come in quest of hew. 
O my Antonyio, h-had I xDD but the means 
To howd a wivaw pwace *pokes you* with onye of them, 
I have a mind pwesages me such thwift 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd questionwess be fowtunyate. 
ANTONyIO. *moans* Thou knyow'st *sweats* that aww my *sighs* fowtunyes awe at sea; 
*blushes* Nyeithew have I monyey n-nyow commodity 
To waise a ^.^ pwesent s-sum; thewefowe go fowth, 
Twy w-what my *screams* cwedit can in V-Venyice do; 
*teleports behind you* That shaww be wack'd, even to the uttewmost, 
To *shuffles closer* fuwnyish thee to Bewmont to *looks at you* faiw P-Powtia. 
Go p-pwesentwy inquiwe, and so wiww I, 
Whewe monyey is; and I nyo question make 
To have *moans* it of my twust *blushes* ow fow my sake. UwU Exeunt 





SCENyE II. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

Entew P-POWTIA *pokes you* with h-hew *twerks* waiting-woman, NyEWISSA 

POWTIA. By my twoth, *shuffles closer* Nyewissa, my wittwe body is aweawy of this 
gweat wowwd. 
N-NyEWISSA. Y-You ^.^ wouwd be, sweet *looks at you* madam, if youw misewies wewe in the 
same abundance as youw good *sighs* fowtunyes awe; and yet, fow a-aught I 
see, they awe as sick *sweats* that suwfeit *pokes you* with too much as they *sweats* that 
stawve *pokes you* with n-nyothing. It is nyo *looks at you* mean happinyess, thewefowe, to be 
seated in the mean: supewfwuity come soonyew ^w^ by *looks away* white h-haiws, xDD but 
competency wives *twerks* wongew. 
POWTIA. Good sentences, and weww pwonyounc'd. 
N-NyEWISSA. They ^.^ wouwd be *blushes* bettew, if weww fowwowed. 
POWTIA. If to do wewe as e-easy as to knyow w-what wewe good to do, 
chapews h-had been c-chuwches, and poow men's cottages *notices bulge* pwinces' 
pawaces. It is a good d-divinye *sweats* that f-fowwows his own instwuctions; I 
can *twerks* easiew teach twenty w-what wewe good to be donye than to be onye 
of the twenty to f-fowwow minye own teaching. The bwain may devise 
waws fow the b-bwood, xDD but a hot tempew *blushes* weaps o'ew a cowd decwee; 
such a hawe is madnyess the >_< youth, to skip o'ew the *moans* meshes of good 
^-^ counsew the cwippwe. But this weasonying is nyot in the fashion to 
c-choose me a husband. O me, the wowd '-'choose'! I may nyeithew 
c-choose w-who I ^.^ wouwd n-nyow wefuse w-who I diswike; so is the wiww of a 
l-wiving daughtew cuwb'd ^w^ by the wiww of a dead fathew. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot 
hawd, *shuffles closer* Nyewissa, *sweats* that I cannyot c-choose ^.^ onye, n-nyow wefuse nyonye? 
N-NyEWISSA. Youw fathew was *giggles shyly* evew viwtuous, and howy men at t-theiw death 
have good inspiwations; thewefowe the wott'wy *sweats* that he hath 
devised in these thwee chests, of gowd, siwvew, and wead- wheweof 
w-who chooses his meanying chooses you- wiww nyo d-doubt nyevew be 
c-chosen ^w^ by any wightwy xDD but onye w-who you shaww wightwy wove. But 
w-what wawmth is thewe in youw affection towawds any of these 
pwincewy suitows *sweats* that awe awweady come? 
POWTIA. I pway thee ovew-nyame them; and as thou nyamest them, I wiww 
descwibe them; and accowding to my descwiption, wevew at my 
affection. 
N-NyEWISSA. Fiwst, thewe is the Nyeapowitan pwince. 
POWTIA. :33 Ay, that's a x3 cowt indeed, fow he doth nyothing xDD but tawk of 
his howse; and he makes *moans* it a gweat appwopwiation to his own good 
*hugs tightly* pawts *sweats* that he can shoe him himsewf; I am much afeaw'd my wady his 
mothew pway'd f-fawse *pokes you* with a smith. 
N-NyEWISSA. T-Then is thewe the C-County Pawatinye. 
POWTIA. He doth nyothing xDD but fwown, as w-who shouwd say 'An you wiww 
nyot have me, c-choose.' He heaws mewwy t-tawes and smiwes nyot. I feaw 
he wiww *shuffles closer* pwove the weeping phiwosophew when he gwows owd, being so 
fuww of u-unmannyewwy s-sadnyess in his y-youth. I h-had wathew be mawwied 
to a death's-head *pokes you* with a bonye in his mouth than to ^w^ eithew of 
these. OwO God defend me fwom these two! 
N-NyEWISSA. H-How say you ^w^ by the Fwench wowd, ^w^ Monsieuw We Bon? 
POWTIA. OwO God made him, and thewefowe wet him pass fow a *pokes you* man. In 
twuth, I knyow *moans* it is a sin to be a mockew, xDD but UwU he- why, he hath a 
howse bettew than the Nyeapowitan's, a bettew UwU bad habit of 
fwownying than the Count Pawatinye; he is evewy man in nyo *pokes you* man. If a 
thwostwe sing he fawws stwaight a-cap'wing; he wiww fence *pokes you* with 
his own shadow; if I shouwd mawwy him, I shouwd mawwy twenty 
h-husbands. If he ^.^ wouwd d-despise me, I ^.^ wouwd f-fowgive :3 him; fow if he 
wove me to madnyess, I shaww nyevew wequite him. 
N-NyEWISSA. What say you then to Fawconbwidge, the young bawon of 
Engwand? 
POWTIA. Y-You knyow I say nyothing to him, fow he undewstands nyot me, 
n-nyow I him: he hath nyeithew Watin, Fwench, n-nyow I-Itawian, and you 
wiww come into the couwt and sweaw *sweats* that I have a poow pennywowth 
in the Engwish. He is a pwopew man's pictuwe; xDD but awas, w-who can 
convewse *pokes you* with a d-dumb-show? H-How oddwy he is suited! I think he 
bought his doubwet in Itawy, his wound hose in F-Fwance, his bonnyet 
in Gewmany, and his *screams* behaviouw e-evewywhewe. 
N-NyEWISSA. What think you of the Scottish wowd, his n-nyeighbouw? 
POWTIA. *teleports behind you* That he hath a nyeighbouwwy chawity in him, fow he bowwowed 
a box of the eaw of the Engwishman, and >_> swowe he ^.^ wouwd p-pay him 
;;w;; again when he was *twerks* abwe; I think the Fwenchman ^.^ became his suwety, 
and seaw'd undew fow anyothew. 
N-NyEWISSA. H-How wike you the young Gewman, the D-Duke of Saxony's 
nyephew? 
POWTIA. Vewy viwewy in the mownying when he is sobew; and most 
viwewy in the aftewnyoon when he is dwunk. When he is best, he is 
a wittwe wowse than a m-man, and when he is wowst, he is wittwe 
bettew than a beast. *looks at you* An the *sweats* wowst faww *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* feww, I hope I 
shaww make UwU shift to go without him. 
N-NyEWISSA. If he shouwd *teleports behind you* offew to choose, and c-choose the wight casket, 
you shouwd wefuse to pewfowm youw fathew's wiww, if you shouwd 
wefuse to accept him. 
POWTIA. Thewefowe, fow feaw of the wowst, I pway thee set a deep 
gwass of Whenyish winye *teleports behind you* on the contwawy casket; fow if the deviw be 
within and *sweats* that temptation without, I knyow he wiww c-choose it. I 
wiww do anything, *shuffles closer* Nyewissa, ewe I wiww be mawwied to a sponge. 
N-NyEWISSA. Y-You nyeed nyot feaw, wady, the having any of these wowds; 
they have acquainted me *pokes you* with t-theiw detewminyations, which is 
indeed to r-wetuwn to t-theiw home, and to t-twoubwe you *pokes you* with nyo mowe 
suit, *hugs tightly* unwess you may be won ^w^ by *blushes* some othew sowt than youw fathew's 
imposition, depending *teleports behind you* on the caskets. 
POWTIA. If I wive to be as owd as Sibywwa, I wiww die as chaste as 
Dianya, *hugs tightly* unwess I be >_> obtainyed ^w^ by the mannyew of my fathew's wiww. I 
am gwad this pawcew of wooews awe so weasonyabwe; fow thewe is nyot 
onye among them xDD but I dote *teleports behind you* on his vewy absence, and I pway OwO God 
gwant them a *looks at you* faiw *looks at you* depawtuwe. 
N-NyEWISSA. Do you nyot *shuffles closer* wemembew, wady, in youw fathew's time, a 
Venyetian, a s-schowaw and a sowdiew, *sweats* that came hithew in company of 
the Mawquis of Montfewwat? 
POWTIA. Yes, yes, *moans* it was Bassanyio; as I think, so was he *shuffles closer* caww'd. 
N-NyEWISSA. Twue, madam; he, of aww the men *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew my foowish eyes 
wook'd upon, was the best desewving a *looks at you* faiw wady. 
POWTIA. I wemembew him weww, and I wemembew him wowthy of t-thy 
p-pwaise. 

Entew a SEWVINGMAN 

H-How nyow! w-what nyews? 
S-SEWVINGMAN. The fouw stwangews seek fow y-you, *looks at you* madam, to take t-theiw 
weave; and thewe is a f-fowewunnyew come fwom a fifth, the Pwince of 
Mowocco, w-who bwings wowd the Pwince his mastew wiww be x3 hewe 
to-nyight. 
POWTIA. If I couwd bid the fifth wewcome *pokes you* with so good heawt as I 
can bid the othew fouw faweweww, I shouwd be gwad of his 
^w^ appwoach; if he have the condition of a saint and the compwexion 
of a deviw, I h-had wathew he shouwd shwive me than wive me. 
Come, Nyewissa. S-Siwwah, go befowe. 
Whiwes we s-shut the gate upon onye x3 wooew, anyothew knyocks at the 
doow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Venyice. A pubwic pwace 

Entew BASSANyIO With SHYWOCK the Jew 

SHYWOCK. T-Thwee thousand ducats- weww. 
BASSANyIO. :33 Ay, siw, fow thwee months. 
SHYWOCK. F-Fow thwee months- weww. 
BASSANyIO. F-Fow the which, as I towd y-you, Antonyio shaww be bound. 
SHYWOCK. Antonyio shaww become bound- weww. 
BASSANyIO. May you stead me? Wiww you pweasuwe me? Shaww I knyow youw 
answew? 
SHYWOCK. T-Thwee thousand ducats fow thwee months, and Antonyio bound. 
BASSANyIO. Youw *sighs* answew to that. 
SHYWOCK. Antonyio is a good *pokes you* man. 
BASSANyIO. Have you h-heawd any i-imputation to the contwawy? 
SHYWOCK. Ho, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo; my meanying in >w< saying he is a good man 
is to have you undewstand me *sweats* that he is sufficient; yet his means 
awe in >w< supposition: he hath an awgosy bound to Twipowis, anyothew 
to the Indies; I *hugs tightly* undewstand, moweovew, upon the Wiawto, he hath a 
thiwd at Mexico, a fouwth fow Engwand- and othew ventuwes he 
hath, *leans over* squand'wed a-abwoad. But ships awe xDD but boawds, saiwows xDD but 
men; thewe be wand-wats and watew-wats, >_> watew-thieves and 
wand-thieves- I *looks at you* mean piwates; and then thewe is the pewiw of 
watews, :33 winds, and wocks. The man *screams* is, nyotwithstanding, 
s-sufficient. T-Thwee thousand ducats- I think I may take his bond. 
BASSANyIO. Be assuw'd you *notices bulge* may. 
SHYWOCK. I wiww be assuw'd I may; and, *sweats* that I may be assuwed, I 
wiww bethink me. May I speak *pokes you* with Antonyio? 
BASSANyIO. If *moans* it pwease you to dinye *pokes you* with us. 
SHYWOCK. Yes, to smeww powk, to *cries* eat of the habitation which youw 
pwophet, the N-Nyazawite, *sweats* conjuwed the deviw into! I wiww b-buy *pokes you* with 
y-you, *notices bulge* seww *pokes you* with y-you, tawk *pokes you* with y-you, wawk *pokes you* with y-you, and so 
fowwowing; xDD but I wiww nyot *cries* eat *pokes you* with y-you, ^-^ dwink *pokes you* with y-you, n-nyow pway 
*pokes you* with you. What nyews *teleports behind you* on the R-Wiawto? Who is he c-comes hewe? 

Entew ANTONyIO 

BASSANyIO. This is Signyiow Antonyio. 
SHYWOCK. OwO [Aside] H-How wike a fawnying pubwican he wooks! 
I hate him fow he is a Chwistian; 
But mowe fow *sweats* that in OwO wow simpwicity 
He wends out monyey gwatis, and bwings down 
The wate of usance x3 hewe *pokes you* with us in Venyice. 
If I can c-catch him once upon the h-hip, 
I wiww feed fat the *cries* ancient gwudge I beaw him. 
He hates o-ouw sacwed n-nyation; and he *looks at you* waiws, 
Even thewe whewe m-mewchants most do congwegate, 
On me, my bawgains, and my weww-won thwift, 
Which he cawws intewest. Cuwsed be my twibe 
If I f-fowgive him! 
BASSANyIO. Shywock, do you heaw? 
SHYWOCK. I am debating of my ^.^ pwesent stowe, 
And, ^w^ by the nyeaw g-guess of my memowy, 
I cannyot instantwy waise up the gwoss 
Of fuww thwee thousand d-ducats. What of that? 
Tubaw, a weawthy Hebwew of my *shuffles closer* twibe, 
Wiww *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me. But soft! how many m-months 
Do you desiwe? [To ANTONyIO] West you uWu faiw, good signyiow; 
Youw wowship was the wast man in o-ouw mouths. 
ANTONyIO. Shywock, awbeit I nyeithew UwU wend n-nyow bowwow 
By taking n-nyow ^w^ by giving of excess, 
Yet, to suppwy the wipe wants of my f-fwiend, 
I'ww bweak a custom. [To BASSANyIO] *looks at you* Is he yet possess'd 
H-How much ye wouwd? 
SHYWOCK. :33 Ay, ay, thwee thousand d-ducats. 
ANTONyIO. And fow thwee months. 
SHYWOCK. I h-had fowgot- thwee *shuffles closer* months; you towd me so. 
Weww then, youw *giggles shyly* bond; and, wet me see- xDD but heaw y-you, 
Methoughts you s-said you nyeithew UwU wend n-nyow bowwow 
^-^ Upon advantage. 
ANTONyIO. I do nyevew use it. 
SHYWOCK. When Jacob gwaz'd his uncwe Waban's sheep- 
This Jacob fwom o-ouw howy Abwam was, 
As his w-wise mothew wwought in his *teleports behind you* behawf, 
The thiwd possessow; ay, he was the thiwd- 
ANTONyIO. And w-what of him? *sweats* Did he take intewest? 
SHYWOCK. N-Nyo, nyot take i-intewest; nyot, as you ^.^ wouwd say, 
Diwectwy int'west; mawk w-what Jacob UwU did: 
When L-Waban and himsewf wewe compwomis'd 
*teleports behind you* That aww the eanwings which wewe stweak'd and ^-^ pied 
Shouwd faww as Jacob's h-hiwe, the ewes, being wank, 
In end of autumn tuwnyed to the wams; 
And when the wowk of genyewation was 
B-Between these woowwy bweedews in the act, 
The skiwfuw shephewd piww'd me cewtain wands, 
And, in the doing of the deed of kind, 
He stuck them up befowe the fuwsome ewes, 
*leans over* Who, then conceiving, did in ^.^ eanying time 
xDD Faww pawti-cowouw'd *sighs* wambs, and those wewe Jacob's. 
This was a way to thwive, and he was bwest; 
And thwift is bwessing, if men s-steaw *moans* it nyot. 
ANTONyIO. This was a ventuwe, siw, *sweats* that Jacob sewv'd fow; 
A thing nyot in his *cries* powew to b-bwing to pass, 
But sway'd and fashion'd ^w^ by the h-hand of heaven. 
*hugs tightly* Was this insewted to make intewest good? 
Ow is youw gowd and siwvew *looks away* ewes and wams? 
SHYWOCK. I cannyot t-teww; I make *moans* it bweed as f-fast. 
But *pokes you* nyote me, s-signyiow. 
ANTONyIO. OwO [Aside] Mawk you t-this, B-Bassanyio, 
The deviw can c-cite Scwiptuwe fow his ^.^ puwpose. 
*looks at you* An eviw souw pwoducing howy witnyess 
*looks at you* Is wike a viwwain *pokes you* with a *notices bulge* smiwing cheek, 
A g-goodwy appwe wotten at the heawt. 
O, w-what a g-goodwy outside fawsehood ^.^ hath! 
SHYWOCK. T-Thwee thousand ducats- 'tis a good wound x3 sum. 
T-Thwee m-months fwom twewve; then wet me see, the wate- 
ANTONyIO. *sighs* Weww, Shywock, shaww we be behowding to you? 
SHYWOCK. Signyiow Antonyio, many a time and oft 
In the Wiawto you have wated me 
About my *blushes* monyeys and my usances; 
Stiww have I bownye *moans* it *pokes you* with a patient ;;w;; shwug, 
F-Fow suff'wance is the badge of aww o-ouw twibe; 
Y-You *giggles shyly* caww me misbewievew, cut-thwoat d-dog, 
And *giggles shyly* spit upon my x3 Jewish gabewdinye, 
And aww fow use of *sweats* that which is minye own. 
Weww then, *moans* it n-nyow a-appeaws you nyeed my h-hewp; 
Go to, then; you come to me, and you say 
'-'Shywock, we ^.^ wouwd have monyeys.' Y-You say so- 
Y-You *sweats* that did void youw wheum upon my beawd 
And f-foot me as you spuwn a stwangew *teleports behind you* cuw 
;;w;; Ovew youw thweshowd; *blushes* monyeys is youw suit. 
What shouwd I say to you? Shouwd I nyot say 
'Hath a dog m-monyey? *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe 
A *teleports behind you* cuw can UwU wend thwee thousand ducats?' Ow 
Shaww I *looks away* bend OwO wow and, in a *looks away* bondman's key, 
With bated >_< bweath and whisp'wing humbwenyess, 
Say this: 
'Faiw siw, you *giggles shyly* spit *teleports behind you* on me *teleports behind you* on Wednyesday wast, 
Y-You spuwn'd me such a day; anyothew time 
Y-You c-caww'd me dog; and fow these couwtesies 
I'ww UwU wend you t-thus much monyeys'? 
ANTONyIO. I am as wike to *giggles shyly* caww thee so again, 
To *giggles shyly* spit *teleports behind you* on thee again, to spuwn thee too. 
If thou wiwt UwU wend this monyey, UwU wend *moans* it nyot 
As to t-thy fwiends- fow when did fwiendship take 
A bweed fow bawwen metaw of his *looks at you* fwiend?- 
But UwU wend *moans* it wathew to thinye enyemy, 
Who if he bweak thou m-mayst *pokes you* with bettew *cuddles you* face 
Exact the penyawty. 
SHYWOCK. W-Why, wook y-you, how you *leans over* stowm! 
I ^.^ wouwd be fwiends *pokes you* with y-you, and have youw wove, 
*shuffles closer* Fowget the shames *sweats* that you have stain'd me w-with, 
Suppwy youw ^.^ pwesent wants, and take nyo doit 
Of usance fow my monyeys, and y-you'ww nyot heaw me. 
This is k-kind I *twerks* offew. 
BASSANyIO. This wewe kindnyess. 
SHYWOCK. This x3 kindnyess wiww I show. 
Go *pokes you* with me to a n-nyotawy, s-seaw me thewe 
Youw s-singwe UwU bond, and, in a mewwy spowt, 
If you wepay me nyot *teleports behind you* on such a day, 
In such a pwace, such sum *blushes* ow x3 sums as awe 
E-Expwess'd in the condition, wet the fowfeit 
Be nyominyated fow an equaw pound 
Of youw *looks at you* faiw >_> fwesh, to be cut off and taken 
In w-what *cries* pawt of youw body pweaseth me. 
ANTONyIO. Content, in OwO faith; I'ww s-seaw to such a UwU bond, 
And say thewe is much x3 kindnyess in the Jew. 
BASSANyIO. Y-You shaww nyot s-seaw to such a bond fow me; 
I'ww wathew dweww in my nyecessity. 
ANTONyIO. W-Why, feaw nyot, man; I wiww nyot fowfeit it; 
Within these xDD two months- that's a month befowe 
This bond expiwes- I do UwU expect r-wetuwn 
Of thwice thwee times the vawue of this bond. 
SHYWOCK. O fathew Abwam, w-what these Chwistians awe, 
Whose own hawd d-deawings t-teaches them suspect 
The *hugs tightly* thoughts of o-othews! *twerks* Pway y-you, teww me this: 
If he shouwd bweak his day, w-what shouwd I gain 
By the exaction of the f-fowfeituwe? 
A pound of man's UwU fwesh taken fwom a man 
*looks at you* Is nyot so estimabwe, :3 pwofitabwe OwO nyeithew, 
As UwU fwesh of muttons, beefs, *blushes* ow goats. I say, 
To b-buy his favouw, I extend this fwiendship; 
If he wiww take it, so; if nyot, *cries* adieu; 
And, fow my wove, I pway you wwong me nyot. 
ANTONyIO. Yes, Shywock, I wiww s-seaw unto this bond. 
SHYWOCK. T-Then meet me fowthwith at the nyotawy's; 
Give him diwection fow this mewwy UwU bond, 
And I wiww go and puwse the ducats ;;w;; stwaight, 
See to my *notices bulge* house, >w< weft in the f-feawfuw guawd 
Of an unthwifty knyave, and p-pwesentwy 
I'ww be *pokes you* with you. 
ANTONyIO. Hie ^w^ thee, g-gentwe Jew. Exit SHYWOCK 
The Hebwew wiww tuwn :3 Chwistian: he gwows kind. 
BASSANyIO. I wike nyot *looks at you* faiw tewms and a viwwain's mind. 
ANTONyIO. Come on; in this thewe can be nyo >w< dismay; 
My ships come h-home a month befowe the day. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the PWINCE of MOWOCCO, a tawny Moow aww in *giggles shyly* white, 
and thwee *blushes* ow fouw FOWWOWEWS accowdingwy, *pokes you* with POWTIA, NyEWISSA, and twain 

PWINCE OF Mowocco. Miswike me nyot fow my compwexion, 
The shadowed wivewy of the buwnyish'd sun, 
To whom I am a nyeighbouw, and nyeaw *teleports behind you* bwed. 
Bwing me the faiwest cweatuwe nyowthwawd b-bown, 
Whewe Phoebus' fiwe x3 scawce thaws the :33 icicwes, 
And wet us make incision fow youw wove 
To *shuffles closer* pwove :33 whose b-bwood is weddest, his *blushes* ow minye. 
I teww ^w^ thee, wady, this *sighs* aspect of minye 
Hath feaw'd the *twerks* vawiant; ^w^ by my wove, I sweaw 
The best-wegawded *screams* viwgins of o-ouw cwime 
Have *notices bulge* wov'd *moans* it too. I ^.^ wouwd nyot change this hue, 
Except to s-steaw youw thoughts, my g-gentwe queen. 
POWTIA. In tewms of choice I am nyot sowewy *looks away* wed 
By nyice diwection of a *moans* maiden's eyes; 
Besides, the wott'wy of my *looks away* destiny 
*hugs tightly* Baws me the wight of v-vowuntawy choosing. 
But, if my fathew h-had nyot scanted me, 
And hedg'd me ^w^ by his wit to y-yiewd m-mysewf 
His wife w-who w-wins me ^w^ by *sweats* that means I towd y-you, 
Youwsewf, wenyownyed Pwince, then stood as *looks at you* faiw 
As any comew I have wook'd *teleports behind you* on yet 
F-Fow my affection. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Even fow *sweats* that I t-thank you. 
Thewefowe, I pway y-you, wead me to the c-caskets 
To t-twy my OwO fowtunye. By this s-scimitaw, 
*teleports behind you* That swew the S-Sophy and a *giggles shyly* Pewsian pwince, 
*teleports behind you* That won thwee fiewds of Suwtan Sowyman, 
I ^.^ wouwd o'ewstawe the s-stewnyest eyes *sweats* that wook, 
Outbwave the heawt most dawing *teleports behind you* on the eawth, 
P-Pwuck the young sucking cubs fwom the *sweats* she-beaw, 
Yea, mock the wion when *leans over* 'a woaws fow pwey, 
To win ^w^ thee, wady. But, awas the whiwe! 
If Hewcuwes and Wichas pway at dice 
Which is the bettew m-man, the gweatew thwow 
May tuwn ^w^ by fowtunye fwom the weakew band. 
So is Awcides beaten ^w^ by his page; 
And so may I, bwind ^w^ Fowtunye weading me, 
*giggles shyly* Miss *sweats* that which onye u-unwowthiew may attain, 
And die *pokes you* with gwieving. 
POWTIA. Y-You must take youw *giggles shyly* chance, 
And ^w^ eithew nyot attempt to c-choose at a-aww, 
Ow sweaw befowe you choose, if you c-choose wwong, 
Nyevew to speak to wady aftewwawd 
In way of mawwiage; thewefowe be advis'd. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. N-Nyow wiww nyot; come, b-bwing me unto my chance. 
POWTIA. Fiwst, *blushes* fowwawd to the tempwe. Aftew dinnyew 
Youw h-hazawd shaww be made. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Good fowtunye then, 
To make me bwest *blushes* ow cuwsed'st among :33 men! 
[-[Cownyets, and *looks at you* exeunt] 




SCENyE II. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew WAUNCEWOT GOBBO 

L-WAUNCEWOT. Cewtainwy my conscience wiww sewve me to wun fwom this 
Jew my :33 mastew. The fiend is at minye ewbow and t-tempts me, >w< saying 
to me 'Gobbo, Wauncewot Gobbo, good Wauncewot' *blushes* ow *screams* 'good G-Gobbo' *blushes* ow 
*screams* 'good Wauncewot Gobbo, use youw l-wegs, take the stawt, wun *cuddles you* away.' 
My conscience says 'Nyo; take heed, honyest *leans over* Wauncewot, take heed, 
honyest G-Gobbo' *cries* ow, as afowesaid, 'honyest Wauncewot Gobbo, do nyot 
wun; s-scown wunnying *pokes you* with t-thy heews.' *sighs* Weww, the most *giggles shyly* couwageous 
fiend b-bids me pack. 'Via!' says the f-fiend; 'away!' says the 
fiend. 'Fow the *hugs tightly* heavens, r-wouse up a bwave mind' says the fiend 
'and *blushes* wun.' *sighs* Weww, my conscience, hanging a-about the nyeck of my 
h-heawt, says vewy wisewy to me 'My honyest fwiend *leans over* Wauncewot, being 
an honyest man's s-son' *blushes* ow wathew *moans* 'an honyest woman's son'; fow 
indeed my fathew did s-something smack, s-something gwow to, he h-had a 
k-kind of taste- weww, my conscience says >_< 'Wauncewot, budge nyot.' 
'Budge,' says the fiend. 'Budge nyot,' says my conscience. 
'Conscience,' say I, (you ^-^ counsew weww.' ^w^ 'Fiend,' say I, 'you 
^-^ counsew weww.' To be wuw'd ^w^ by my conscience, I shouwd >_< stay *pokes you* with 
the Jew my mastew, *leans over* who- OwO God bwess the *blushes* mawk!- is a k-kind of deviw; 
and, to wun away fwom the Jew, I shouwd be wuwed ^w^ by the fiend, 
*leans over* who- saving youw wevewence!- is the deviw h-himsewf. Cewtainwy the 
Jew is the vewy deviw incawnyation; and, in my conscience, my 
conscience is xDD but a k-kind of hawd conscience to *teleports behind you* offew to ^-^ counsew 
me to >_< stay *pokes you* with the Jew. The fiend gives the mowe fwiendwy 
counsew. I wiww ^-^ wun, f-fiend; my h-heews awe at youw commandment; I 
wiww wun. 

Entew UwU OWD GOBBO, *pokes you* with a ;;w;; basket 

GOBBO. Mastew young m-man, y-you, I pway y-you, which is the way to 
mastew *moans* Jew's? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. OwO [Aside] O heavens! This is my twue-begotten fathew, 
who, being mowe than ^.^ sand-bwind, high-gwavew b-bwind, *looks away* knyows me nyot. 
I wiww t-twy confusions *pokes you* with him. 
GOBBO. Mastew young g-gentweman, I pway y-you, which is the way to 
mastew *moans* Jew's? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Tuwn up *teleports behind you* on youw wight h-hand at the nyext t-tuwnying, but, at 
the nyext x3 tuwnying of a-aww, *teleports behind you* on youw l-weft; m-mawwy, at the vewy nyext 
t-tuwnying, tuwn of nyo hand, xDD but tuwn down indiwectwy to the Jew's 
house. 
GOBBO. Be God's *shuffles closer* sonties, *giggles shyly* 'twiww be a hawd way to *sighs* hit! C-Can you teww 
me whethew onye *leans over* Wauncewot, *sweats* that d-dwewws *pokes you* with him, dweww *pokes you* with him *blushes* ow 
nyo? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Tawk you of young Mastew Wauncewot? OwO [Aside] Mawk me 
x3 nyow; n-nyow wiww I waise the watews.- Tawk you of young Mastew 
Wauncewot? 
GOBBO. Nyo mastew, siw, xDD but a poow man's son; his fathew, *sighs* though I 
*shuffles closer* say't, is an honyest exceeding poow m-man, and, OwO God be thanked, weww 
to l-wive. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. *sighs* Weww, wet his fathew be w-what *leans over* 'a wiww, we tawk of young 
Mastew Wauncewot. 
GOBBO. Youw wowship's f-fwiend, and *leans over* Wauncewot, siw. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. But I pway y-you, ewgo, owd m-man, ewgo, I beseech y-you, tawk 
you of young Mastew Wauncewot? 
GOBBO. Of *leans over* Wauncewot, an't pwease youw mastewship. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Ewgo, Mastew Wauncewot. Tawk nyot of Mastew *leans over* Wauncewot, 
f-fathew; fow the young g-gentweman, accowding to *screams* Fates and *sweats* Destinyies 
and such odd s-sayings, the Sistews T-Thwee and such bwanches of 
>w< weawnying, is indeed deceased; *cries* ow, as you ^.^ wouwd say in pwain 
tewms, g-gonye to heaven. 
GOBBO. Mawwy, OwO God fowbid! The *cries* boy was the vewy staff of my a-age, my 
vewy pwop. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Do I wook wike a cudgew *blushes* ow a hovew-post, a staff *blushes* ow a 
pwop? Do you knyow me, fathew? 
GOBBO. Awack the day, I knyow you nyot, young gentweman; xDD but I pway 
you teww me, is my boy- OwO God west his *moans* souw!- awive *blushes* ow d-dead? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Do you nyot knyow me, fathew? 
GOBBO. Awack, siw, I am sand-bwind; I knyow you nyot. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Nyay, indeed, if you h-had youw e-eyes, you might *sweats* faiw of the 
*looks at you* knyowing me: *moans* it is a w-wise fathew *sweats* that *looks away* knyows his own chiwd. *sighs* Weww, 
owd m-man, I wiww teww you nyews of youw son. Give me youw bwessing; 
uWu twuth wiww come to >_< wight; muwdew cannyot be hid wong; a man's son 
may, xDD but in the end uWu twuth wiww ^w^ out. 
GOBBO. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, *looks at you* stand up; I am suwe you awe nyot Wauncewot my 
boy. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. *twerks* Pway y-you, wet's have nyo mowe f-foowing a-about it, xDD but give 
me youw bwessing; I am *leans over* Wauncewot, youw *cries* boy *sweats* that was, youw son 
*sweats* that *screams* is, youw xDD chiwd *sweats* that shaww be. 
GOBBO. I cannyot think you awe my son. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. I knyow nyot w-what I shaww think of that; xDD but I am 
*leans over* Wauncewot, the Jew's m-man, and I am suwe M-Mawgewy youw wife is my 
*looks at you* mothew. 
GOBBO. Hew nyame is Mawgewy, indeed. I'ww be swown, if thou be 
*leans over* Wauncewot, thou awt minye own UwU fwesh and bwood. Wowd w-wowshipp'd 
might he be, w-what a beawd hast thou got! *moans* Thou hast got mowe haiw 
*teleports behind you* on t-thy chin than Dobbin my f-fiww-howse has *teleports behind you* on his taiw. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. It shouwd seem, then, *sweats* that Dobbin's t-taiw gwows backwawd; 
I am suwe he h-had mowe haiw of his t-taiw than I have of my *cuddles you* face 
when I wast *moans* saw him. 
GOBBO. Wowd, how awt thou chang'd! H-How dost thou and t-thy mastew 
agwee? I have >w< bwought him a pwesent. H-How 'gwee you nyow? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. *sighs* Weww, weww; but, fow minye own pawt, as I have set up my 
west to wun away, so I wiww nyot west tiww I have wun *blushes* some gwound. 
My m-mastew's a vewy Jew. Give him a p-pwesent! Give him a h-hawtew. I 
am famish'd in his sewvice; you may teww evewy fingew I have *pokes you* with 
my wibs. Fathew, I am gwad you awe come; give me youw ^.^ pwesent to 
onye Mastew B-Bassanyio, w-who indeed gives wawe nyew wivewies; if I 
sewve nyot him, I wiww wun as faw as OwO God has any gwound. O wawe 
f-fowtunye! Hewe c-comes the *pokes you* man. To him, fathew, fow I am a Jew, if I 
sewve the Jew any *twerks* wongew. 

Entew ^.^ BASSANyIO, *pokes you* with *looks away* WEONyAWDO, *pokes you* with a FOWWOWEW *blushes* ow xDD two 

BASSANyIO. Y-You may do so; xDD but wet *moans* it be so hasted *sweats* that suppew be 
r-weady at the fawthest ^w^ by five of the cwock. See these wettews 
dewivewed, p-put the wivewies to making, and desiwe Gwatianyo to 
come anyon to my >_> wodging. Exit a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
L-WAUNCEWOT. To him, fathew. 
GOBBO. OwO God bwess youw wowship! 
BASSANyIO. Gwamewcy; wouwdst thou a-aught *pokes you* with me? 
GOBBO. H-Hewe's my son, siw, a poow boy- 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Nyot a poow boy, siw, xDD but the wich Jew's m-man, *sweats* that wouwd, 
siw, as my fathew shaww s-specify- 
GOBBO. He hath a gweat infection, siw, as onye ^.^ wouwd say, to *sighs* sewve- 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Indeed the showt and the wong *screams* is, I sewve the Jew, and 
have a desiwe, as my fathew shaww s-specify- 
GOBBO. His mastew and he, saving youw wowship's wevewence, awe 
x3 scawce catew-cousins- 
L-WAUNCEWOT. To be *leans over* bwief, the vewy uWu twuth is *sweats* that the Jew, having donye 
me wwong, doth c-cause me, as my fathew, being I hope an owd m-man, 
shaww fwutify unto you- 
GOBBO. I have x3 hewe a >_< dish of x3 doves *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd bestow upon youw 
*looks away* wowship; and my suit is- 
L-WAUNCEWOT. In vewy *leans over* bwief, the suit is impewtinyent to *twerks* mysewf, as 
youw wowship shaww knyow ^w^ by this honyest owd man; and, *sighs* though I say 
it, *sighs* though owd m-man, yet poow m-man, my fathew. 
BASSANyIO. Onye speak fow both. What ^.^ wouwd you? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Sewve y-you, siw. 
GOBBO. *teleports behind you* That is the vewy ;;w;; defect of the mattew, siw. 
BASSANyIO. I knyow thee weww; thou hast obtain'd t-thy suit. 
*teleports behind you* Shywock t-thy mastew s-spoke *pokes you* with me this day, 
And hath pwefeww'd ^w^ thee, if *moans* it be pwefewment 
To weave a wich Jew's sewvice to become 
The fowwowew of so poow a ;;w;; gentweman. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. The owd pwovewb is vewy weww pawted between my mastew 
*teleports behind you* Shywock and y-you, siw: you have the gwace of >_< God, siw, and he hath 
enyough. 
BASSANyIO. *moans* Thou speak'st *moans* it weww. Go, fathew, *pokes you* with t-thy son. 
Take weave of t-thy owd mastew, and inquiwe 
My wodging ^w^ out. [To a S-SEWVANT] Give him a wivewy 
Mowe guawded than his fewwows'; see *moans* it donye. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Fathew, i-in. I cannyot get a sewvice, nyo! I have nye'ew a 
t-tongue in my head! [-[Wooking *teleports behind you* on his pawm] W-Weww; if any man in 
I-Itawy have a faiwew tabwe which doth *teleports behind you* offew to sweaw upon a *giggles shyly* book- I 
shaww have good OwO fowtunye. Go to, hewe's a simpwe xDD winye of wife; 
hewe's a smaww twifwe of wives; awas, fifteen wives is nyothing; 
a'weven widows and nyinye *cuddles you* maids is a simpwe c-coming-in fow onye *pokes you* man. 
And then to scape dwownying thwice, and to be in pewiw of my wife 
*pokes you* with the edge of a *hugs tightly* feathew-bed-hewe awe simpwe scapes. *sighs* Weww, if 
^w^ Fowtunye be a woman, she's a good wench fow this geaw. Fathew, 
come; I'ww take my weave of the Jew in the twinkwing. 
UwU Exeunt WAUNCEWOT and UwU OWD GOBBO 
BASSANyIO. I pway ^w^ thee, good Weonyawdo, think *teleports behind you* on this. 
These things being bought and owdewwy bestowed, 
Wetuwn in haste, fow I do feast to-nyight 
My best esteem'd acquaintance; hie ^w^ thee, go. 
WEONyAWDO. My best endeavouws shaww be donye hewein. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWATIANyO 

GWATIANyO. Whewe's youw mastew? 
WEONyAWDO. Yondew, siw, he wawks. Exit 
GWATIANyO. Signyiow Bassanyio! 
BASSANyIO. Gwatianyo! 
GWATIANyO. I have suit to you. 
BASSANyIO. Y-You have obtain'd it. 
GWATIANyO. Y-You must nyot deny me: I must go *pokes you* with you to Bewmont. 
BASSANyIO. W-Why, then you m-must. But heaw ^w^ thee, Gwatianyo: 
*moans* Thou awt too *pokes you* wiwd, too ^-^ wude, and bowd of voice- 
Pawts *sweats* that become thee h-happiwy enyough, 
And in such eyes as ouws appeaw nyot fauwts; 
But whewe thou awt nyot knyown, why thewe they show 
>_> Something too wibewaw. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, take *sweats* pain 
To awway *pokes you* with *blushes* some cowd *sighs* dwops of modesty 
Thy skipping *sighs* spiwit; west uWu thwough t-thy w-wiwd *screams* behaviouw 
I be misconst'wed in the pwace I go to 
And wose my h-hopes. 
GWATIANyO. Signyiow B-Bassanyio, heaw me: 
If I do nyot p-put *teleports behind you* on a sobew :3 habit, 
Tawk *pokes you* with wespect, and sweaw xDD but n-nyow and then, 
*screams* Weaw pwayew-books in my pocket, wook uWu demuwewy, 
Nyay mowe, whiwe gwace is >w< saying hood minye eyes 
Thus *pokes you* with my *moans* hat, and sigh, and say amen, 
U-Use aww the obsewvance of civiwity 
Wike onye weww studied in a sad ostent 
To pwease his gwandam, nyevew twust me mowe. 
BASSANyIO. *sighs* Weww, we shaww see youw beawing. 
GWATIANyO. Nyay, xDD but I *giggles shyly* baw to-nyight; you shaww nyot g-gauge me 
By w-what we do to-nyight. 
BASSANyIO. N-Nyo, *sweats* that wewe pity; 
I ^.^ wouwd entweat you wathew to p-put *teleports behind you* on 
Youw bowdest suit of miwth, fow we have fwiends 
*teleports behind you* That puwpose mewwiment. But fawe you weww; 
I have *blushes* some businyess. 
GWATIANyO. And I must to Wowenzo and the west; 
But we wiww visit you at suppew-time. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Venyice. SHYWOCK'S h-house 

Entew JESSICA and WAUNCEWOT 

JESSICA. I am sowwy thou wiwt weave my fathew so. 
Ouw h-house is heww; and thou, a mewwy deviw, 
D-Didst wob *moans* it of *blushes* some taste of tediousnyess. 
But fawe thee weww; thewe is a ducat fow thee; 
And, *leans over* Wauncewot, soon at suppew shawt thou see 
Wowenzo, w-who is t-thy nyew m-mastew's guest. 
Give him this l-wettew; do *moans* it secwetwy. 
And so faweweww. I ^.^ wouwd nyot have my fathew 
See me in tawk *pokes you* with thee. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Adieu! teaws exhibit my tongue. Most beautifuw *sighs* pagan, 
most sweet Jew! If a Chwistian do nyot pway the knyave and get 
^w^ thee, I am much deceived. But, adieu! these foowish *sighs* dwops do 
s-something *hugs tightly* dwown my manwy *sighs* spiwit; adieu! 
JESSICA. Faweweww, good Wauncewot. Exit WAUNCEWOT 
Awack, w-what *leans over* heinyous sin is *moans* it in me 
To be a-asham'd to be my fathew's *giggles shyly* chiwd! 
But *sighs* though I am a daughtew to his b-bwood, 
I am nyot to his mannyews. O Wowenzo, 
If thou keep pwomise, I shaww end this s-stwife, 
OwO Become a Chwistian and t-thy ^.^ woving wife. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew GWATIANyO, WOWENZO, SAWEWIO, and SOWANyIO 

WOWENZO. Nyay, we wiww swink away in suppewtime, 
Disguise us at my l-wodging, and r-wetuwn 
Aww in an houw. 
GWATIANyO. We have nyot made good pwepawation. 
SAWEWIO. We have nyot s-spoke us yet of towch-beawews. 
SOWANyIO. 'Tis v-viwe, *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it may be quaintwy owdewed; 
And bettew in my mind nyot undewtook. 
WOWENZO. 'Tis n-nyow xDD but fouw o'cwock; we have xDD two houws 
To *shuffles closer* fuwnyish us. 

Entew WAUNCEWOT, With a wettew 

Fwiend *leans over* Wauncewot, what's the nyews? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. *looks at you* An *moans* it shaww pwease you to bweak up t-this, *moans* it shaww seem 
to *sighs* signyify. 
WOWENZO. I knyow the hand; in faith, 'tis a *looks at you* faiw hand, 
And whitew than the papew *moans* it *moans* wwit *teleports behind you* on 
*looks at you* Is the *looks at you* faiw h-hand *sweats* that *teleports behind you* wwit. 
GWATIANyO. Wove-nyews, in faith! 
L-WAUNCEWOT. By youw weave, siw. 
WOWENZO. Whithew goest thou? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Mawwy, siw, to bid my owd mastew, the Jew, to sup 
to-nyight *pokes you* with my nyew mastew, the Chwistian. 
WOWENZO. Howd, hewe, take this. Teww g-gentwe Jessica 
I wiww nyot *sweats* faiw hew; speak *moans* it pwivatewy. 
Go, gentwemen, Exit WAUNCEWOT 
Wiww you p-pwepawe you fow this masque to-nyight? 
I am p-pwovided of a >_> towch-beawew. 
SAWEWIO. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, I'ww be g-gonye a-about *moans* it stwaight. 
SOWANyIO. And so wiww I. 
WOWENZO. Meet me and Gwatianyo 
At Gwatianyo's wodging *blushes* some houw hence. 
SAWEWIO. 'Tis good we do so. UwU Exeunt SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO 
GWATIANyO. *hugs tightly* Was nyot *sweats* that wettew fwom *looks at you* faiw Jessica? 
WOWENZO. I must ;;w;; nyeeds teww thee aww. She hath diwected 
H-How I shaww take h-hew fwom h-hew fathew's house; 
What gowd and jewews she is fuwnyish'd with; 
What page's suit she hath in r-weadinyess. 
If ^w^ e'ew the Jew h-hew fathew come to heaven, 
It wiww be fow his g-gentwe daughtew's sake; 
And nyevew dawe misfowtunye cwoss h-hew foot, 
*leans over* Unwess she do *moans* it undew this excuse, 
*teleports behind you* That she is issue to a faithwess Jew. 
Come, go *pokes you* with me, pewuse this as thou goest; 
>_< Faiw Jessica shaww be my >_> towch-beawew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Venyice. B-Befowe SHYWOCK'S h-house 

Entew SHYWOCK and WAUNCEWOT 

SHYWOCK. *sighs* Weww, thou shawt see; t-thy eyes shaww be t-thy UwU judge, 
The diffewence of owd *teleports behind you* Shywock and Bassanyio.- 
What, J-Jessica!- *moans* Thou shawt nyot gowmandize 
As thou hast donye *pokes you* with me- What, J-Jessica!- 
And sweep and *blushes* snyowe, and wend appawew out- 
W-Why, Jessica, I say! 
L-WAUNCEWOT. W-Why, Jessica! 
SHYWOCK. Who b-bids thee caww? I do nyot bid thee caww. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Youw wowship was wont to teww me I couwd do nyothing 
without bidding. 

Entew JESSICA 

JESSICA. Caww you? What is youw wiww? 
SHYWOCK. I am bid f-fowth to s-suppew, Jessica; 
*cries* Thewe awe my keys. But whewefowe shouwd I go? 
I am nyot bid fow wove; they fwattew me; 
But yet I'ww go in hate, to feed upon 
The pwodigaw Chwistian. Jessica, my giww, 
Wook to my house. I am wight woath to go; 
*cries* Thewe is *blushes* some iww a-bwewing towawds my west, 
F-Fow I did d-dweam of monyey-bags to-nyight. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. I beseech y-you, siw, go; my young mastew doth UwU expect youw 
wepwoach. 
SHYWOCK. So do I his. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. And they have conspiwed togethew; I wiww nyot say you 
shaww see a *twerks* masque, xDD but if you do, then *moans* it was nyot fow nyothing 
*sweats* that my nyose feww a-bweeding *teleports behind you* on Bwack Monday wast at ^-^ six o-o'cwock 
i-i' th' *teleports behind you* mownying, fawwing out *sweats* that *leans over* yeaw *teleports behind you* on *moans* Ash Wednyesday was fouw 
yeaw, in th' aftewnyoon. 
SHYWOCK. What, awe thewe masques? Heaw you me, Jessica: 
Wock up my doows, and when you heaw the dwum, 
And the viwe squeawing of the wwy-nyeck'd fife, 
Cwambew nyot you up to the c-casements then, 
N-Nyow thwust youw *sweats* head into the pubwic UwU stweet 
To gaze *teleports behind you* on Chwistian foows *pokes you* with vawnyish'd faces; 
But stop my house's e-eaws- I *looks at you* mean my *hugs tightly* casements; 
Wet nyot the s-sound of shawwow fopp'wy entew 
My sobew house. By Jacob's staff, I sweaw 
I have nyo mind of feasting f-fowth to-nyight; 
But I wiww go. Go you befowe me, siwwah; 
Say I wiww come. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. I wiww go befowe, siw. Mistwess, wook out at window fow 
aww this. 
*cries* Thewe wiww come a Chwistian ^w^ by 
Wiww be wowth a Jewess' eye. Exit 
SHYWOCK. What says *sweats* that foow of Hagaw's o-offspwing, ha? 
JESSICA. His wowds wewe :3 'Faweweww, mistwess'; nyothing ewse. 
SHYWOCK. The patch is k-kind enyough, xDD but a huge feedew, 
Snyaiw-swow in pwofit, and he sweeps ^w^ by day 
Mowe than the wiwd-cat; dwonyes hive nyot *pokes you* with me, 
Thewefowe I *cries* pawt *pokes you* with :3 him; and *cries* pawt *pokes you* with him 
To onye *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd have him hewp to waste 
His bowwowed *notices bulge* puwse. *sighs* Weww, Jessica, go in; 
Pewhaps I wiww r-wetuwn immediatewy. 
Do as I bid y-you, s-shut doows aftew you. 
Fast *blushes* bind, *looks away* fast find- 
A pwovewb nyevew stawe in thwifty mind. Exit 
JESSICA. Faweweww; and if my fowtunye be nyot cwost, 
I have a fathew, you a daughtew, *notices bulge* wost. Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
Venyice. B-Befowe SHYWOCK'S h-house 

Entew the maskews, *shuffles closer* GWATIANyO and SAWEWIO 

GWATIANyO. This is the pent-house undew which Wowenzo 
D-Desiwed us to make stand. 
SAWEWIO. His houw is awmost past. 
GWATIANyO. And *moans* it is mawvew he UwU out-dwewws his houw, 
F-Fow wovews *giggles shyly* evew wun befowe the cwock. 
SAWEWIO. O, ten times fastew Venyus' pigeons f-fwy 
To s-seaw wove's bonds nyew made than they awe wont 
To keep obwiged faith unfowfeited! 
GWATIANyO. *teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew ^-^ howds: w-who wiseth fwom a feast 
With *sweats* that keen appetite *sweats* that he sits down? 
Whewe is the howse *sweats* that doth untwead ;;w;; again 
His tedious measuwes *pokes you* with the unbated fiwe 
*teleports behind you* That he did pace them f-fiwst? Aww things *sweats* that awe 
Awe *pokes you* with mowe spiwit chased than *moans* enjoyed. 
H-How wike a younkew *blushes* ow a pwodigaw 
The scawfed bawk puts fwom h-hew n-nyative bay, 
Hugg'd and embwaced ^w^ by the stwumpet *moans* wind; 
H-How wike the pwodigaw doth she r-wetuwn, 
With ovew-weathew'd wibs and wagged saiws, 
Wean, :3 went, and *screams* beggaw'd ^w^ by the stwumpet wind! 

Entew L-WOWENZO 

SAWEWIO. Hewe c-comes *leans over* Wowenzo; mowe of this h-heweaftew. 
WOWENZO. Sweet fwiends, youw p-patience fow my wong abode! 
Nyot I, xDD but my affaiws, have made you wait. 
When you shaww pwease to pway the thieves fow :33 wives, 
I'ww watch as wong fow you UwU then. xDD Appwoach; 
Hewe d-dwewws my fathew Jew. Ho! who's within? 

Entew JESSICA, above, in boy's cwothes 

JESSICA. Who awe you? Teww me, fow mowe cewtainty, 
Awbeit I'ww sweaw *sweats* that I do knyow youw tongue. 
WOWENZO. Wowenzo, and t-thy wove. 
JESSICA. Wowenzo, cewtain; and my wove indeed; 
F-Fow w-who wove I so much? And n-nyow w-who *looks away* knyows 
But y-you, Wowenzo, whethew I am youws? 
WOWENZO. *pokes you* Heaven and t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts awe witnyess *sweats* that thou awt. 
JESSICA. *shuffles closer* Hewe, c-catch this casket; *moans* it is wowth the p-pains. 
I am gwad 'tis nyight, you do nyot wook *teleports behind you* on me, 
F-Fow I am much a-asham'd of my exchange; 
But wove is b-bwind, and wovews cannyot see 
The pwetty fowwies *sweats* that themsewves commit, 
Fow, if they couwd, Cupid himsewf ^.^ wouwd bwush 
To see me t-thus twansfowmed to a boy. 
WOWENZO. Descend, fow you must be my >_> towch-beawew. 
JESSICA. *pokes you* What! must I howd a candwe to my s-shames? 
They in themsewves, good sooth, awe too too wight. 
W-Why, 'tis an office of *looks at you* discovewy, wove, 
And I shouwd be obscuw'd. 
WOWENZO. So awe y-you, sweet, 
Even in the wovewy gawnyish of a boy. 
But come at o-once, 
F-Fow the cwose nyight doth pway the wunyaway, 
And we awe stay'd fow at Bassanyio's feast. 
JESSICA. I wiww make *looks away* fast the doows, and giwd m-mysewf 
With *blushes* some *pokes you* moe ducats, and be *pokes you* with you stwaight. 
Exit a-above 

GWATIANyO. Nyow, ^w^ by my hood, a gentwe, and nyo Jew. 
WOWENZO. Beshwew me, xDD but I wove h-hew heawtiwy, 
F-Fow she is wise, if I can judge of hew, 
And *looks at you* faiw she *screams* is, if *sweats* that minye eyes be twue, 
And twue she *screams* is, as she hath pwov'd hewsewf; 
And thewefowe, wike hewsewf, wise, uWu faiw, and twue, 
Shaww she be pwaced in my constant souw. 

Entew JESSICA, bewow 

What, awt thou come? On, gentwemen, *looks away* away; 
Ouw *looks away* masquing mates ^w^ by this time fow us stay. 
Exit *pokes you* with JESSICA and SAWEWIO 

Entew ANTONyIO 

ANTONyIO. Who's thewe? 
GWATIANyO. Signyiow Antonyio? 
ANTONyIO. Fie, fie, Gwatianyo, whewe awe aww the r-west? 
'Tis nyinye o'cwock; o-ouw fwiends aww >_< stay fow you; 
Nyo masque to-nyight; the *cuddles you* wind is come about; 
Bassanyio p-pwesentwy wiww go aboawd; 
I have OwO sent twenty out to seek fow you. 
GWATIANyO. I am gwad on't; I desiwe nyo mowe dewight 
*notices bulge* Than to be undew saiw and g-gonye to-nyight. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VII. 
Bewmont. POWTIA's h-house 

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew POWTIA, *pokes you* with the PWINCE OF MOWOCCO, 
and t-theiw twains 

POWTIA. Go dwaw aside the cuwtains and >_< discovew 
The sevewaw c-caskets to this nyobwe Pwince. 
>_> Nyow make youw choice. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. The fiwst, of gowd, w-who this inscwiption beaws: 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww gain w-what many men desiwe.' 
The second, siwvew, which this pwomise cawwies: 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww get as much as he desewves.' 
This thiwd, duww wead, *pokes you* with wawnying aww as bwunt: 
uWu 'Who chooseth me must give and h-hazawd aww he hath.' 
H-How shaww I knyow if I do c-choose the wight? 
POWTIA. The onye of them contains my pictuwe, Pwince; 
If you c-choose that, then I am youws withaw. 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. Some *cries* god diwect my judgment! Wet me see; 
I wiww suwvey th' inscwiptions back again. 
What says this weaden casket? 
uWu 'Who chooseth me must give and h-hazawd aww he hath.' 
M-Must give- fow *cuddles you* what? F-Fow wead? H-Hazawd fow >_< wead! 
This casket *giggles shyly* thweatens; men *sweats* that h-hazawd aww 
Do *moans* it in hope of *looks at you* faiw advantages. 
A gowden mind *notices bulge* stoops nyot to shows of dwoss; 
I'ww then n-nyow give n-nyow h-hazawd a-aught fow wead. 
What says the siwvew *pokes you* with h-hew viwgin hue? 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww get as much as he desewves.' 
As much as he desewves! Pause thewe, Mowocco, 
And weigh t-thy vawue *pokes you* with an even hand. 
If thou beest wated ^w^ by t-thy e-estimation, 
*moans* Thou dost desewve enyough, and yet enyough 
May nyot extend so faw as to the wady; 
And yet to be afeawd of my desewving 
Wewe xDD but a weak disabwing of mysewf. 
As much as I desewve? W-Why, that's the wady! 
I do in biwth desewve hew, and in *blushes* fowtunyes, 
In gwaces, and in quawities of bweeding; 
But mowe than these, in wove I do d-desewve. 
What if I >_> stway'd nyo fawthew, xDD but chose hewe? 
Wet's see once mowe this >w< saying gwav'd in gowd: 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww gain w-what many men desiwe.' 
W-Why, that's the wady! Aww the wowwd desiwes hew; 
Fwom the fouw cownyews of the eawth they come 
To kiss this *sweats* shwinye, this *looks away* mowtaw-bweathing saint. 
The Hywcanyian desewts and the vasty wiwds 
Of wide Awabia awe as thwoughfawes n-nyow 
F-Fow pwinces to come view *looks at you* faiw P-Powtia. 
The watewy kingdom, :33 whose ambitious *sweats* head 
Spits in the *cuddles you* face of heaven, is nyo *giggles shyly* baw 
To stop the foweign spiwits, xDD but they come 
As o'ew a bwook to see *looks at you* faiw P-Powtia. 
Onye of these thwee contains h-hew heavenwy pictuwe. 
Is't wike *sweats* that wead contains hew? 'Twewe damnyation 
To think so base a *sweats* thought; *moans* it wewe too gwoss 
To r-wib h-hew cewecwoth in the obscuwe gwave. 
Ow shaww I think in siwvew she's i-immuw'd, 
Being ten times undewvawued to twied gowd? 
O *moans* sinfuw thought! Nyevew so wich a g-gem 
*hugs tightly* Was set in wowse than gowd. They have in Engwand 
A ^.^ coin *sweats* that beaws the figuwe of an a-angew 
Stamp'd in gowd; xDD but that's i-inscuwp'd upon. 
But x3 hewe an a-angew in a gowden b-bed 
*blushes* Wies aww *looks at you* within. Dewivew me the key; 
Hewe do I choose, and UwU thwive I as I m-may! 
POWTIA. Thewe, take it, Pwince, and if my *sighs* fowm wie thewe, 
T-Then I am youws. :3 [He *cries* opens the gowden c-casket] 
PWINCE OF MOWOCCO. O heww! w-what have we hewe? 
A cawwion Death, within :33 whose empty eye 
*cries* Thewe is a wwitten scwoww! I'ww xDD wead the wwiting. 
'Aww *sweats* that gwistews is nyot gowd, 
Often have you h-heawd *sweats* that towd; 
Many a man his wife hath sowd 
But my outside to b-behowd. 
G-Giwded t-tombs do w-wowms infowd. 
Had you been as w-wise as b-bowd, 
Young in wimbs, in judgment owd, 
Youw *sighs* answew h-had nyot been inscwoww'd. 
Fawe you weww, youw suit is cowd.' 
Cowd indeed, and wabouw l-wost, 
T-Then faweweww, heat, and wewcome, fwost. 
Powtia, adieu! I have too gwiev'd a heawt 
To take a tedious weave; t-thus wosews pawt. 
Exit *pokes you* with his twain. Fwouwish of cownyets 
POWTIA. A g-gentwe r-widdance. >_< Dwaw the *twerks* cuwtains, go. 
Wet aww of his compwexion c-choose me so. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VIII. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew SAWEWIO and SOWANyIO 

SAWEWIO. W-Why, m-man, I *moans* saw Bassanyio undew saiw; 
With him is Gwatianyo g-gonye awong; 
And in t-theiw ship I am suwe Wowenzo is nyot. 
SOWANyIO. The viwwain Jew *pokes you* with outcwies wais'd the Duke, 
Who went *pokes you* with him to seawch Bassanyio's ship. 
SAWEWIO. He came too wate, the ship was undew saiw; 
But thewe the D-Duke was given to undewstand 
*teleports behind you* That in a gondowa wewe :33 seen togethew 
Wowenzo and his amowous Jessica; 
Besides, Antonyio cewtified the D-Duke 
They wewe nyot *pokes you* with Bassanyio in his ship. 
SOWANyIO. I nyevew h-heawd a passion so confus'd, 
So *sweats* stwange, outwageous, and so vawiabwe, 
As the dog Jew did uttew in the stweets. 
'My daughtew! O my ducats! O my daughtew! 
Fwed *pokes you* with a Chwistian! O my Chwistian ducats! 
Justice! the l-waw! My ducats and my daughtew! 
A seawed bag, xDD two seawed bags of ducats, 
Of doubwe ducats, stow'n fwom me ^w^ by my daughtew! 
And jewews- xDD two stonyes, xDD two wich and p-pwecious stonyes, 
Stow'n ^w^ by my daughtew! Justice! Find the giww; 
She hath the stonyes upon h-hew and the ducats.' 
SAWEWIO. W-Why, aww the boys in V-Venyice f-fowwow him, 
Cwying, his stonyes, his daughtew, and his d-ducats. 
SOWANyIO. Wet good Antonyio wook he keep his day, 
Ow he shaww p-pay fow this. 
SAWEWIO. Mawwy, weww wememb'wed; 
I weason'd *pokes you* with a Fwenchman yestewday, 
Who towd me, in the nyawwow seas *sweats* that *cries* pawt 
The Fwench and Engwish, thewe *moans* miscawwied 
A vessew of o-ouw *looks at you* countwy wichwy *leans over* fwaught. 
I thought upon Antonyio when he towd me, 
And wish'd in siwence *sweats* that *moans* it wewe nyot his. 
SOWANyIO. Y-You wewe best to teww Antonyio w-what you heaw; 
Y-Yet do nyot suddenwy, fow *moans* it may gwieve him. 
SAWEWIO. A kindew gentweman tweads nyot the eawth. 
I *moans* saw Bassanyio and Antonyio pawt. 
Bassanyio towd him he ^.^ wouwd make *blushes* some speed 
Of his wetuwn. He answewed 'Do nyot so; 
Swubbew nyot businyess fow my sake, B-Bassanyio, 
But >_< stay the vewy wiping of the time; 
And fow the Jew's bond which he hath of me, 
Wet *moans* it nyot entew in youw mind of wove; 
Be mewwy, and empwoy youw chiefest *hugs tightly* thoughts 
To c-couwtship, and such *looks at you* faiw ostents of wove 
As shaww *pokes you* convenyientwy become you thewe.' 
And even thewe, his eye being big *pokes you* with teaws, 
Tuwnying his face, he p-put his h-hand UwU behind him, 
And *pokes you* with affection *cuddles you* wondwous sensibwe 
He *notices bulge* wwung Bassanyio's hand; and so they pawted. 
SOWANyIO. I think he onwy woves the wowwd fow him. 
I pway ^w^ thee, wet us go and find him *pokes you* out, 
And quicken his embwaced heavinyess 
With *blushes* some dewight *blushes* ow othew. 
SAWEWIO. Do we so. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE xDD IX. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

Entew NyEWISSA, and a SEWVITOW 

N-NyEWISSA. *twerks* Quick, quick, I pway ^w^ thee, dwaw the cuwtain stwaight; 
The Pwince of Awwagon hath t-ta'en his oath, 
And c-comes to his ewection pwesentwy. 

Fwouwish of cownyets. Entew the PWINCE OF AWWAGON, 
POWTIA, and t-theiw twains 

POWTIA. >_> Behowd, thewe *looks at you* stand the *looks away* caskets, nyobwe Pwince. 
If you c-choose *sweats* that w-whewein I am *hugs tightly* contain'd, 
Stwaight shaww o-ouw nyuptiaw wites be sowemnyiz'd; 
But if you faiw, without mowe speech, my wowd, 
Y-You must be g-gonye fwom hence immediatewy. 
AWWAGON. I am enjoin'd ^w^ by oath to obsewve thwee things: 
Fiwst, nyevew to u-unfowd to any onye 
Which casket '-'twas I *screams* chose; nyext, if I *sweats* faiw 
Of the wight casket, nyevew in my wife 
To woo a maid in way of mawwiage; 
Wastwy, 
If I do *sweats* faiw in fowtunye of my choice, 
Immediatewy to weave you and be gonye. 
POWTIA. To these injunctions evewy onye doth sweaw 
*teleports behind you* That c-comes to h-hazawd fow my wowthwess sewf. 
AWWAGON. And so have I addwess'd me. ^w^ Fowtunye n-nyow 
To my heawt's hope! Gowd, siwvew, and base wead. 
uWu 'Who chooseth me must give and h-hazawd aww he hath.' 
Y-You shaww wook faiwew ewe I give *blushes* ow hazawd. 
What says the gowden chest? Ha! wet me see: 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww gain w-what many men desiwe.' 
What many men desiwe- *sweats* that 'many' may be *screams* meant 
By the foow *notices bulge* muwtitude, *sweats* that c-choose ^w^ by show, 
Nyot weawnying mowe than the fond eye doth teach; 
Which pwies nyot to th' intewiow, but, wike the *twerks* mawtwet, 
Buiwds in the >w< weathew *teleports behind you* on the *cuddles you* outwawd waww, 
Even in the fowce and woad of c-casuawty. 
I wiww nyot c-choose w-what many men desiwe, 
*screams* Because I wiww nyot jump *pokes you* with common spiwits 
And wank me *pokes you* with the bawbawous muwtitudes. 
W-Why, then to ^w^ thee, thou siwvew tweasuwe-house! 
Teww me once mowe w-what titwe thou dost beaw. 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww get as much as he desewves.' 
And weww s-said too; fow w-who shaww go a-about 
To cozen >w< fowtunye, and be honyouwabwe 
Without the stamp of m-mewit? Wet nyonye p-pwesume 
To weaw an u-undesewved d-dignyity. 
O *sweats* that estates, degwees, and offices, 
Wewe nyot dewiv'd cowwuptwy, and *sweats* that cweaw honyouw 
Wewe :33 puwchas'd ^w^ by the mewit of the weawew! 
H-How many then shouwd covew *sweats* that *looks at you* stand bawe! 
H-How many be *moans* commanded *sweats* that command! 
H-How much OwO wow peasantwy ^.^ wouwd then be gweanyed 
Fwom the twue seed of honyouw! and how much honyouw 
Pick'd fwom the chaff and wuin of the times, 
To be nyew vawnyish'd! *sighs* Weww, xDD but to my choice. 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww get as much as he desewves.' 
I wiww *leans over* assume desewt. Give me a key fow t-this, 
And instantwy unwock my *sighs* fowtunyes hewe. 
:3 [He *cries* opens the siwvew c-casket] 
POWTIA. OwO [Aside] Too wong a *sighs* pause fow *sweats* that which you find thewe. 
AWWAGON. What's hewe? The powtwait of a *hugs tightly* bwinking idiot 
P-Pwesenting me a scheduwe! I wiww xDD wead it. 
H-How much unwike awt thou to P-Powtia! 
H-How much unwike my hopes and my d-desewvings! 
uWu 'Who chooseth me shaww have as much as he desewves.' 
*sweats* Did I desewve nyo mowe than a foow's head? 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that my pwize? Awe my desewts nyo bettew? 
POWTIA. To offend and judge awe distinct *leans over* offices 
And of *hugs tightly* opposed nyatuwes. 
AWWAGON. What is hewe? [Weads] 

'The fiwe seven times twied this; 
S-Seven times twied *sweats* that judgment is 
*teleports behind you* That did nyevew c-choose amiss. 
Some thewe be *sweats* that shadows k-kiss, 
*screams* Such have xDD but a shadow's bwiss. 
*cries* Thewe be foows awive iwis 
Siwvew'd o'ew, and so was this. 
Take w-what wife you wiww to bed, 
I wiww *giggles shyly* evew be youw h-head. 
So be gonye; you awe *screams* sped.' 

Stiww mowe foow I shaww appeaw 
By the time I wingew hewe. 
With onye foow's *sweats* head I came to woo, 
But I go away *pokes you* with two. 
Sweet, adieu! I'ww keep my oath, 
^.^ Patientwy to beaw my xDD wwoth. Exit *pokes you* with his twain 

POWTIA. Thus hath the candwe sing'd the moth. 
O, these dewibewate foows! When they do choose, 
They have the wisdom ^w^ by t-theiw wit to wose. 
N-NyEWISSA. The *cries* ancient >w< saying is nyo hewesy: 
Hanging and *cries* wiving goes ^w^ by destiny. 
POWTIA. Come, dwaw the cuwtain, Nyewissa. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Whewe is my wady? 
POWTIA. Hewe; w-what ^.^ wouwd my wowd? 
SEWVANT. Madam, thewe is awighted at youw gate 
A young Venyetian, onye *sweats* that c-comes befowe 
To s-signyify th' appwoaching of his wowd, 
Fwom whom he bwingeth sensibwe wegweets; 
To wit, besides commends and couwteous bweath, 
Gifts of wich vawue. Y-Yet I have nyot :33 seen 
So *leans over* wikewy an ambassadow of wove. 
A day in Apwiw nyevew came so sweet 
To show how >w< costwy s-summew was at h-hand 
As this fowe-spuwwew c-comes befowe his l-wowd. 
POWTIA. Nyo mowe, I pway thee; I am h-hawf afeawd 
*moans* Thou wiwt say anyon he is *blushes* some kin to ^w^ thee, 
*moans* Thou spend'st such high-day wit in pwaising him. 
Come, come, *shuffles closer* Nyewissa, fow I wong to see 
Quick Cupid's post *sweats* that c-comes so *screams* mannyewwy. 
N-NyEWISSA. B-Bassanyio, Wowd Wove, if t-thy wiww *moans* it *moans* be! UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew SOWANyIO and SAWEWIO 

SOWANyIO. Nyow, w-what nyews *teleports behind you* on the R-Wiawto? 
SAWEWIO. W-Why, yet *moans* it wives thewe uncheck'd *sweats* that Antonyio hath a ship 
of wich :33 wading wweck'd *teleports behind you* on the nyawwow seas; the G-Goodwins I think 
they *giggles shyly* caww the pwace, a vewy d-dangewous fwat and fataw, whewe the 
cawcases of many a *notices bulge* taww ship wie b-buwied, as they say, if my 
gossip Wepowt be an honyest woman of h-hew wowd. 
SOWANyIO. I ^.^ wouwd she wewe as wying a gossip in *sweats* that as *giggles shyly* evew knyapp'd 
gingew *blushes* ow made h-hew nyeighbouws bewieve she wept fow the death of a 
thiwd husband. But *moans* it is twue, without any swips of p-pwowixity *blushes* ow 
cwossing the pwain highway of tawk, *sweats* that the good Antonyio, the 
honyest Antonyio- O *sweats* that I h-had a titwe good enyough to keep his nyame 
company!- 
SAWEWIO. Come, the fuww stop. 
SOWANyIO. Ha! What sayest thou? W-Why, the end *screams* is, he hath wost a 
ship. 
SAWEWIO. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it might *shuffles closer* pwove the end of his l-wosses. 
SOWANyIO. Wet me say a-amen betimes, west the deviw cwoss my pwayew, 
fow x3 hewe he c-comes in the wikenyess of a Jew. 

Entew SHYWOCK 

H-How nyow, Shywock? What nyews among the mewchants? 
SHYWOCK. Y-You k-knyew, nyonye so weww, nyonye so weww as y-you, of my 
daughtew's fwight. 
SAWEWIO. That's cewtain; I, fow my pawt, knyew the t-taiwow *sweats* that made 
the wings she fwew withaw. 
SOWANyIO. And Shywock, fow his own pawt, knyew the biwd was fwidge; 
and then *moans* it is the compwexion of them aww to weave the dam. 
SHYWOCK. She is d-damn'd fow it. 
SAWEWIO. That's >_< cewtain, if the deviw may be h-hew judge. 
SHYWOCK. My own UwU fwesh and b-bwood to webew! 
SOWANyIO. Out upon it, owd c-cawwion! Webews *moans* it at these yeaws? 
SHYWOCK. I say my daughtew is my UwU fwesh and my bwood. 
SAWEWIO. *cries* Thewe is mowe diffewence between t-thy UwU fwesh and hews than 
between jet and i-ivowy; mowe between youw bwoods than thewe is 
between wed winye and Whenyish. But teww us, do you heaw whethew 
Antonyio have h-had any woss at *notices bulge* sea *blushes* ow nyo? 
SHYWOCK. *cries* Thewe I have anyothew UwU bad :3 match: a bankwupt, a pwodigaw, 
w-who dawe x3 scawce show his *sweats* head *teleports behind you* on the R-Wiawto; a beggaw, *sweats* that was 
*screams* us'd to come so smug upon the mawt. Wet him wook to his bond. He 
was wont to *giggles shyly* caww me usuwew; wet him wook to his bond. He was wont 
to UwU wend monyey fow a Chwistian couwtesy; wet him wook to his bond. 
SAWEWIO. W-Why, I am suwe, if he fowfeit, thou wiwt nyot take his 
fwesh. What's *sweats* that good fow? 
SHYWOCK. To bait f-fish withaw. If *moans* it wiww feed nyothing e-ewse, *moans* it wiww 
feed my wevenge. He hath disgwac'd me and hind'wed me h-hawf a 
miwwion; l-waugh'd at my wosses, mock'd at my *sighs* gains, scownyed my 
nyation, thwawted my bawgains, *twerks* coowed my fwiends, heated minye 
enyemies. And what's his weason? I am a Jew. Hath nyot a Jew uWu eyes? 
Hath nyot a Jew uWu hands, owgans, dimensions, s-senses, affections, 
passions, fed *pokes you* with the same food, huwt *pokes you* with the same weapons, 
subject to the same d-diseases, heawed ^w^ by the same UwU means, wawmed 
and *twerks* coowed ^w^ by the same w-wintew and summew, as a Chwistian >_> is? If 
you pwick us, do we nyot bweed? If you tickwe us, do we nyot waugh? 
If you p-poison us, do we nyot die? And if you wwong us, shaww we 
nyot wevenge? If we awe wike you in the west, we wiww r-wesembwe you 
in that. If a Jew wwong a Chwistian, w-what is his *sighs* humiwity? 
R-Wevenge. If a Chwistian wwong a Jew, w-what shouwd his suffewance 
be ^w^ by Chwistian e-exampwe? W-Why, wevenge. The viwwainy you teach me 
I wiww execute; and itshaww go hawd xDD but I wiww bettew the 
instwuction. 

Entew a MAN fwom ANTONyIO 

MAN. Gentwemen, my mastew Antonyio is at his *notices bulge* house, and desiwes to 
speak *pokes you* with you both. 
SAWEWIO. We have been up and down to seek him. 

Entew TUBAW 

SOWANyIO. Hewe c-comes anyothew of the twibe; a thiwd cannyot be 
*blushes* match'd, *hugs tightly* unwess the deviw himsewf tuwn Jew. 
UwU Exeunt SOWANyIO, SAWEWIO, and MAN 
SHYWOCK. H-How nyow, Tubaw, w-what nyews fwom *hugs tightly* Genyoa? Hast thou ^w^ found my 
daughtew? 
TUBAW. I *looks away* often came whewe I did heaw of hew, xDD but cannyot find hew. 
SHYWOCK. Why thewe, thewe, thewe, thewe! A diamond :3 gonye, cost me 
xDD two thousand ducats in Fwankfowt! The cuwse nyevew feww upon o-ouw 
n-nyation tiww x3 nyow; I nyevew fewt *moans* it tiww nyow. Two thousand ducats in 
that, and othew pwecious, p-pwecious jewews. I ^.^ wouwd my daughtew 
wewe dead at my foot, and the jewews in h-hew eaw; ^.^ wouwd she wewe 
heaws'd at my foot, and the ducats in h-hew coffin! Nyo nyews of 
them? W-Why, so- and I knyow nyot what's spent in the seawch. W-Why, 
thou- woss upon woss! The thief g-gonye *pokes you* with so *twerks* much, and so much to 
find the thief; and nyo satisfaction, nyo wevenge; n-nyow nyo iww wuck 
stiwwing xDD but w-what wights o' my shouwdews; nyo sighs xDD but o' my 
bweathing; nyo teaws xDD but o' my shedding! 
TUBAW. Yes, othew men have iww wuck too: Antonyio, as I h-heawd in 
Genyoa- 
SHYWOCK. What, what, *cuddles you* what? I-Iww wuck, iww wuck? 
TUBAW. Hath an awgosy OwO cast away coming fwom T-Twipowis. 
SHYWOCK. I t-thank >_< God, I t-thank God. *looks at you* Is *moans* it twue, is *moans* it twue? 
TUBAW. I s-spoke *pokes you* with *blushes* some of the saiwows *sweats* that *looks at you* escaped the w-wweck. 
SHYWOCK. I t-thank ^w^ thee, good T-Tubaw. Good nyews, good nyews- ha, ha!- 
h-heawd in Genyoa. 
TUBAW. Youw daughtew spent in G-Genyoa, as I heawd, onye nyight, 
fouwscowe d-ducats. 
SHYWOCK. *moans* Thou *blushes* stick'st a daggew in me- I shaww nyevew see my gowd 
again. Fouwscowe ducats at a sitting! Fouwscowe ducats! 
TUBAW. *cries* Thewe came divews of Antonyio's uWu cweditows in my company to 
V-Venyice *sweats* that sweaw he cannyot c-choose xDD but bweak. 
SHYWOCK. I am vewy gwad of it; I'ww pwague him, I'ww towtuwe :3 him; I 
am gwad of it. 
TUBAW. Onye of them showed me a wing *sweats* that he h-had of youw daughtew 
fow a monkey. 
SHYWOCK. Out upon *blushes* hew! *moans* Thou towtuwest me, T-Tubaw. It was my 
tuwquoise; I h-had *moans* it of Weah when I was a bachewow; I ^.^ wouwd nyot 
have given *moans* it fow a wiwdewnyess of m-monkeys. 
TUBAW. But Antonyio is cewtainwy UwU undonye. 
SHYWOCK. Nyay, that's *shuffles closer* twue; that's vewy twue. Go, Tubaw, fee me an 
officew; xDD bespeak him a fowtnyight befowe. I wiww have the heawt of 
him, if he fowfeit; *notices bulge* fow, wewe he out of Venyice, I can make w-what 
mewchandise I wiww. Go, Tubaw, and meet me at o-ouw synyagogue; *screams* go, 
good Tubaw; at o-ouw synyagogue, T-Tubaw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

Entew ^.^ BASSANyIO, POWTIA, GWATIANyO, NyEWISSA, and aww t-theiw twains 

POWTIA. I pway you tawwy; *sighs* pause a day *blushes* ow xDD two 
B-Befowe you hazawd; *notices bulge* fow, in choosing wwong, 
I wose youw :3 company; thewefowe fowbeaw a whiwe. 
>_> Thewe's s-something tewws me- xDD but *moans* it is nyot wove- 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot wose you; and you knyow youwsewf 
H-Hate c-counsews nyot in such a quawity. 
But west you shouwd nyot undewstand me :33 weww- 
And yet a ^.^ maiden hath nyo t-tongue xDD but thought- 
I ^.^ wouwd detain you x3 hewe *blushes* some month *blushes* ow xDD two 
B-Befowe you ventuwe fow me. I couwd teach you 
H-How to c-choose wight, xDD but then I am fowswown; 
So wiww I nyevew be; so may you miss me; 
But if you do, y-you'ww make me wish a sin, 
*teleports behind you* That I h-had been fowswown. Beshwew youw *screams* eyes! 
They have o'ewwook'd me and divided me; 
Onye h-hawf of me is youws, the othew h-hawf youws- 
M-Minye o-own, I ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* say; xDD but if minye, then youws, 
And so aww youws. O! these nyaughty times 
P-Puts baws between the ownyews and t-theiw wights; 
And so, *sighs* though youws, nyot youws. ;;w;; Pwove *moans* it so, 
Wet fowtunye go to heww fow it, nyot I. 
I speak too wong, xDD but 'tis to peize the time, 
To eke it, and to dwaw *moans* it out in wength, 
To >_< stay you fwom ewection. 
BASSANyIO. Wet me *notices bulge* choose; 
F-Fow as I am, I wive upon the wack. 
POWTIA. ^-^ Upon the wack, Bassanyio? T-Then *cuddles you* confess 
What tweason thewe is m-mingwed *pokes you* with youw wove. 
BASSANyIO. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but *sweats* that ugwy tweason of mistwust 
Which makes me feaw th' enjoying of my wove; 
*cries* Thewe may as weww be amity and wife 
'Tween snyow and fiwe as tweason and my wove. 
POWTIA. :33 Ay, xDD but I feaw you speak upon the wack, 
Whewe men e-enfowced do speak anything. 
BASSANyIO. Pwomise me l-wife, and I'ww *cuddles you* confess the twuth. 
POWTIA. Weww then, *cuddles you* confess and l-wive. 
BASSANyIO. 'Confess' and 'wove' 
Had been the vewy sum of my confession. 
O happy towment, when my towtuwew 
Doth teach me answews fow dewivewance! 
But wet me to my fowtunye and the caskets. 
POWTIA. ^w^ Away, then; I am l-wock'd in onye of them. 
If you do wove me, you wiww find me ^w^ out. 
Nyewissa and the west, *looks at you* stand aww awoof; 
Wet *hugs tightly* music s-sound whiwe he doth make his choice; 
Then, if he *teleports behind you* wose, he makes a swan-wike end, 
Fading in music. *teleports behind you* That the *pokes you* compawison 
May *looks at you* stand mowe pwopew, my eye shaww be the stweam 
And wat'wy death-bed fow him. He may *screams* win; 
And w-what is *hugs tightly* music then? T-Then *hugs tightly* music is 
Even as the fwouwish when twue subjects bow 
To a n-nyew-cwownyed monyawch; such *moans* it is 
As awe those d-duwcet sounds in bweak of day 
*teleports behind you* That cweep into the d-dweaming b-bwidegwoom's eaw 
And summon him to mawwiage. >_> Nyow he goes, 
With nyo wess pwesence, xDD but *pokes you* with much mowe wove, 
*notices bulge* Than young Awcides when he did wedeem 
The viwgin twibute paid ^w^ by howwing Twoy 
To the sea-monstew. I *looks at you* stand fow >_< sacwifice; 
The west awoof awe the Dawdanyian :33 wives, 
With bweawed visages come f-fowth to view 
The issue of th' expwoit. Go, Hewcuwes! 
Wive thou, I l-wive. With much much mowe dismay 
I view the fight than thou *sweats* that mak'st the fway. 

A SONG 

the whiwst BASSANyIO c-comments *teleports behind you* on the c-caskets to himsewf 

Teww me whewe is fancy *cuddles you* bwed, 
Ow in the heawt *blushes* ow in the head, 
H-How begot, how nyouwished? 
R-Wepwy, >_< wepwy. 
It is engend'wed in the e-eyes, 
With gazing f-fed; and fancy dies 
In the cwadwe whewe *moans* it wies. 
Wet us aww wing fancy's ^w^ knyeww: 
I'ww begin it- Ding, dong, beww. 
AWW. Ding, dong, beww. 

BASSANyIO. So may the *cuddles you* outwawd shows be *notices bulge* weast themsewves; 
The wowwd is stiww deceiv'd *pokes you* with ownyament. 
In waw, w-what pwea so tainted and cowwupt 
But, being season'd *pokes you* with a g-gwacious voice, 
Obscuwes the show of eviw? In wewigion, 
What d-damnyed ewwow xDD but *blushes* some sobew b-bwow 
Wiww bwess it, and appwove *moans* it *pokes you* with a t-text, 
Hiding the gwossnyess *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw ownyament? 
*cries* Thewe is nyo vice so simpwe xDD but assumes 
Some mawk of *hugs tightly* viwtue *teleports behind you* on his *cuddles you* outwawd pawts. 
H-How many cowawds, :33 whose heawts awe aww as f-fawse 
As *cries* staiws of sand, weaw yet upon t-theiw chins 
The beawds of Hewcuwes and fwownying Maws; 
*leans over* Who, i-inwawd seawch'd, have wivews *looks away* white as miwk! 
And these *leans over* assume xDD but vawouw's excwement 
To wendew them x3 wedoubted. Wook *teleports behind you* on beauty 
And you shaww see 'tis :33 puwchas'd ^w^ by the w-weight, 
Which thewein wowks a miwacwe in nyatuwe, 
Making them xDD wightest *sweats* that weaw most of it; 
So awe those cwisped snyaky gowden wocks 
Which make such wanton gambows *pokes you* with the *cuddles you* wind 
^-^ Upon supposed faiwnyess *looks away* often *teleports behind you* knyown 
To be the *blushes* dowwy of a second head- 
The skuww *sweats* that bwed them in the sepuwchwe. 
Thus ownyament is xDD but the guiwed showe 
To a most d-dangewous sea; the beauteous scawf 
Veiwing an Indian beauty; in a wowd, 
The seeming uWu twuth which cunnying times p-put *teleports behind you* on 
To e-entwap the wisest. Thewefowe, thou gaudy gowd, 
*teleports behind you* Hawd f-food fow Midas, I wiww nyonye of thee; 
N-Nyow nyonye of ^w^ thee, thou pawe and common dwudge 
'Tween man and man; xDD but thou, thou meagwe wead, 
Which wathew *looks at you* thweaten'st than dost pwomise aught, 
Thy :33 pwainnyess moves me mowe than ewoquence, 
And x3 hewe c-choose I. Joy be the consequence! 
POWTIA. OwO [Aside] H-How aww the othew passions fweet to aiw, 
As doubtfuw thoughts, and wash-embwac'd despaiw, 
And shudd'wing feaw, and gween-ey'd jeawousy! 
O wove, be *sighs* modewate, awway t-thy ecstasy, 
In measuwe wain t-thy joy, scant this excess! 
I f-feew too much t-thy bwessing. Make *moans* it wess, 
F-Fow feaw I *shuffles closer* suwfeit. 
BASSANyIO. [Openying the weaden c-casket] What find I hewe? 
>_< Faiw Powtia's countewfeit! What demi-god 
Hath come so nyeaw c-cweation? Move these uWu eyes? 
Ow whethew widing *teleports behind you* on the bawws of minye 
Seem they in motion? Hewe awe sevew'd wips, 
Pawted *pokes you* with sugaw *notices bulge* bweath; so sweet a *giggles shyly* baw 
Shouwd sundew such sweet xDD fwiends. Hewe in h-hew haiws 
The p-paintew pways the spidew, and hath *shuffles closer* woven 
A gowden m-mesh t' e-entwap the heawts of men 
Fastew than gnyats in c-cobwebs. But h-hew eyes- 
H-How couwd he see to do them? Having made ^.^ onye, 
Methinks *moans* it shouwd have *cries* powew to s-steaw b-both his, 
And weave i-itsewf unfuwnyish'd. Y-Yet wook how faw 
The substance of my pwaise doth wwong this *pokes you* shadow 
In undewpwizing it, so faw this *pokes you* shadow 
Doth wimp UwU behind the substance. H-Hewe's the s-scwoww, 
The continyent and summawy of my OwO fowtunye. 
OwO 'You *sweats* that c-choose nyot ^w^ by the view, 
Chance as *looks at you* faiw and c-choose as *notices bulge* twue! 
Since this fowtunye fawws to y-you, 
Be content and seek nyo nyew. 
If you be weww pweas'd *pokes you* with t-this, 
And howd youw fowtunye fow youw bwiss, 
Tuwn to whewe youw wady is 
And c-cwaim h-hew *pokes you* with a ^.^ woving kiss.' 
A g-gentwe *leans over* scwoww. >_< Faiw wady, ^w^ by youw weave; 
I come ^w^ by nyote, to give and to :3 weceive. 
Wike onye of xDD two contending in a pwize, 
*teleports behind you* That thinks he hath donye weww in peopwe's e-eyes, 
Heawing a-appwause and unyivewsaw shout, 
*teleports behind you* Giddy in spiwit, stiww gazing in a d-doubt 
Whethew those peaws of pwaise be his *blushes* ow nyo; 
>_> So, t-thwice-faiw wady, *looks at you* stand I even so, 
As doubtfuw whethew w-what I see be twue, 
Untiw confiwm'd, *giggles shyly* sign'd, watified ^w^ by you. 
POWTIA. Y-You see me, Wowd B-Bassanyio, whewe I stand, 
*screams* Such as I am. Though fow m-mysewf awonye 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot be ambitious in my wish 
To wish m-mysewf much *blushes* bettew, yet fow you 
I ^.^ wouwd be twebwed twenty times *twerks* mysewf, 
A thousand times mowe uWu faiw, ten thousand times mowe wich, 
*teleports behind you* That onwy to *looks at you* stand ^.^ high in youw account 
I might in viwtues, beauties, wivings, fwiends, 
Exceed account. But the fuww sum of me 
*looks at you* Is sum of s-something which, to tewm in gwoss, 
*looks at you* Is an unwesson'd giww, >_> unschoow'd, *hugs tightly* unpwactis'd; 
Happy in t-this, she is nyot yet so owd 
But she may weawn; happiew than t-this, 
She is nyot bwed so duww xDD but she can weawn; 
Happiest of aww is *sweats* that h-hew g-gentwe spiwit 
Commits i-itsewf to youws to be diwected, 
As fwom h-hew wowd, h-hew govewnyow, h-hew king. 
Mysewf and w-what is minye to you and youws 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow convewted. But n-nyow I was the *hugs tightly* wowd 
Of this *looks at you* faiw mansion, mastew of my sewvants, 
Queen o'ew mysewf; and even nyow, xDD but nyow, 
This *notices bulge* house, these sewvants, and this same *twerks* mysewf, 
Awe youws- my wowd's. I give them *pokes you* with this wing, 
Which when you *cries* pawt fwom, *teleports behind you* wose, *blushes* ow give away, 
Wet *moans* it pwesage the wuin of youw wove, 
And be my vantage to e-excwaim *teleports behind you* on you. 
BASSANyIO. Madam, you have b-beweft me of aww wowds; 
Onwy my b-bwood speaks to you in my v-veins; 
And thewe is such *hugs tightly* confusion in my powews 
As, aftew *blushes* some owation faiwwy s-spoke 
By a bewoved pwince, thewe doth appeaw 
Among the OwO buzzing pweased *notices bulge* muwtitude, 
Whewe evewy something, being bwent togethew, 
Tuwns to a w-wiwd of nyothing, uWu save of joy 
E-Expwess'd and nyot e-expwess'd. But when this wing 
Pawts fwom this fingew, then *hugs tightly* pawts wife fwom hence; 
O, then be bowd to say Bassanyio's dead! 
N-NyEWISSA. My *hugs tightly* wowd and wady, *moans* it is n-nyow o-ouw time 
*teleports behind you* That have stood ^w^ by and :33 seen o-ouw uWu wishes pwospew 
To cwy 'Good joy.' Good joy, my *hugs tightly* wowd and wady! 
GWATIANyO. My Wowd B-Bassanyio, and my g-gentwe wady, 
I wish you aww the joy *sweats* that you can wish, 
F-Fow I am suwe you can wish nyonye fwom me; 
And, when youw honyouws *looks at you* mean to sowemnyize 
The bawgain of youw faith, I do beseech you 
Even at *sweats* that time I may be mawwied too. 
BASSANyIO. With aww my h-heawt, so thou ;;w;; canst get a wife. 
GWATIANyO. I t-thank youw wowdship, you have got me onye. 
My e-eyes, my wowd, can wook as swift as youws: 
Y-You *moans* saw the mistwess, I *giggles shyly* behewd the maid; 
Y-You wov'd, I :3 wov'd; fow intewmission 
Nyo mowe pewtains to me, my wowd, than you. 
Youw fowtunye stood upon the c-caskets thewe, 
And so did minye too, as the mattew fawws; 
F-Fow wooing x3 hewe u-untiw I sweat again, 
And ;;w;; sweawing tiww my vewy woof was dwy 
With *twerks* oaths of wove, at wast- if pwomise wast- 
I got a pwomise of this *looks at you* faiw onye x3 hewe 
To have h-hew wove, p-pwovided *sweats* that youw fowtunye 
Achiev'd h-hew mistwess. 
POWTIA. *looks at you* Is this twue, Nyewissa? 
N-NyEWISSA. Madam, *moans* it *screams* is, so you *looks at you* stand pweas'd withaw. 
BASSANyIO. And do y-you, Gwatianyo, *looks at you* mean good *sweats* faith? 
GWATIANyO. Yes, faith, my l-wowd. 
BASSANyIO. Ouw feast shaww be much h-honyouwed in youw mawwiage. 
GWATIANyO. We'ww pway *pokes you* with them: the f-fiwst *cries* boy fow a thousand 
d-ducats. 
N-NyEWISSA. What, and stake down? 
GWATIANyO. Nyo; we shaww nye'ew win at *sweats* that spowt, and stake down- 
But w-who c-comes hewe? Wowenzo and his infidew? 
What, and my owd Venyetian f-fwiend, Sawewio! 

Entew WOWENZO, JESSICA, and SAWEWIO, a m-messengew 
fwom V-Venyice 

BASSANyIO. Wowenzo and Sawewio, wewcome h-hithew, 
If *sweats* that the youth of my nyew int'west x3 hewe 
Have *cries* powew to bid you wewcome. By youw weave, 
I bid my vewy fwiends and countwymen, 
Sweet Powtia, wewcome. 
POWTIA. So do I, my wowd; 
They awe entiwewy wewcome. 
WOWENZO. I t-thank youw >_> honyouw. F-Fow my pawt, my wowd, 
My puwpose was nyot to have :33 seen you h-hewe; 
But meeting *pokes you* with Sawewio ^w^ by the way, 
He did entweat me, past aww >w< saying nyay, 
To come *pokes you* with him ^.^ awong. 
SAWEWIO. I did, my wowd, 
And I have weason fow it. Signyiow Antonyio 
Commends him to you. [Gives BASSANyIO a wettew] 
BASSANyIO. Ewe I ope his wettew, 
I pway you teww me how my good fwiend doth. 
SAWEWIO. Nyot sick, my wowd, *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it be in mind; 
N-Nyow weww, *hugs tightly* unwess in mind; his wettew thewe 
Wiww show you his estate. [BASSANyIO *cries* opens the wettew] 
GWATIANyO. *shuffles closer* Nyewissa, cheew :3 yond stwangew; bid h-hew wewcome. 
Youw hand, *giggles shyly* Sawewio. What's the nyews fwom ^-^ Venyice? 
H-How doth *sweats* that woyaw mewchant, good Antonyio? 
I knyow he wiww be gwad of o-ouw success: 
We awe the Jasons, we have won the fweece. 
SAWEWIO. I ^.^ wouwd you h-had won the fweece *sweats* that he hath *notices bulge* wost. 
POWTIA. *cries* Thewe awe *blushes* some shwewd contents in :3 yond same papew 
*teleports behind you* That steaws the *teleports behind you* cowouw fwom Bassanyio's cheek: 
Some deaw fwiend dead, e-ewse nyothing in the wowwd 
*shuffles closer* Couwd tuwn so much the c-constitution 
Of any constant *pokes you* man. What, wowse and wowse! 
With weave, *blushes* Bassanyio: I am h-hawf youwsewf, 
And I must fweewy have the h-hawf of anything 
*teleports behind you* That this same papew bwings you. 
BASSANyIO. O sweet Powtia, 
Hewe awe a f-few of the unpweasant'st wowds 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew bwotted papew! Gentwe wady, 
When I did f-fiwst impawt my wove to y-you, 
I fweewy towd you aww the *giggles shyly* weawth I h-had 
Wan in my veins- I was a gentweman; 
And then I towd you twue. And yet, deaw wady, 
Wating m-mysewf at nyothing, you shaww see 
H-How much I was a bwaggawt. When I towd you 
My state was nyothing, I shouwd then have towd you 
*teleports behind you* That I was wowse than nyothing; fow indeed 
I have engag'd m-mysewf to a deaw f-fwiend, 
Engag'd my fwiend to his mewe enyemy, 
To feed my means. Hewe is a wettew, wady, 
The papew as the body of my f-fwiend, 
And evewy wowd in *moans* it a gaping ^.^ wound 
Issuing wife-bwood. But is *moans* it twue, *notices bulge* Sawewio? 
Hath aww his ventuwes f-faiw'd? What, nyot onye hit? 
Fwom Twipowis, fwom Mexico, and Engwand, 
Fwom Wisbon, Bawbawy, and India, 
And nyot onye vessew scape the dweadfuw touch 
Of mewchant-mawwing wocks? 
SAWEWIO. Nyot ^.^ onye, my l-wowd. 
Besides, *moans* it shouwd appeaw that, if he h-had 
The ^.^ pwesent monyey to dischawge the Jew, 
He ^.^ wouwd nyot take it. Nyevew did I knyow 
A cweatuwe *sweats* that did beaw the shape of man 
So keen and gweedy to confound a *pokes you* man. 
He pwies the D-Duke at mownying and at nyight, 
And doth :33 impeach the fweedom of the state, 
If they deny him justice. Twenty mewchants, 
The D-Duke ^.^ himsewf, and the *cries* magnyificoes 
Of gweatest powt, have aww p-pewsuaded *pokes you* with :3 him; 
But nyonye can dwive him fwom the envious pwea 
Of fowfeituwe, of j-justice, and his bond. 
JESSICA. When I was *pokes you* with him, I have h-heawd him sweaw 
To Tubaw and to Chus, his countwymen, 
*teleports behind you* That he ^.^ wouwd wathew have Antonyio's UwU fwesh 
*notices bulge* Than twenty times the vawue of the sum 
*teleports behind you* That he did owe :3 him; and I knyow, my wowd, 
If waw, authowity, and powew, deny nyot, 
It wiww go hawd *pokes you* with poow Antonyio. 
POWTIA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it youw deaw fwiend *sweats* that is t-thus in twoubwe? 
BASSANyIO. The deawest fwiend to me, the kindest m-man, 
The best condition'd and unweawied spiwit 
In doing couwtesies; and onye in whom 
The *cries* ancient Woman honyouw mowe a-appeaws 
*notices bulge* Than any *sweats* that dwaws >_< bweath in I-Itawy. 
POWTIA. What sum owes he the OwO Jew? 
BASSANyIO. F-Fow me, thwee thousand d-ducats. 
POWTIA. *pokes you* What! nyo *cries* mowe? 
P-Pay him ^-^ six thousand, and *sweats* deface the *giggles shyly* bond; 
Doubwe ^-^ six thousand, and then twebwe that, 
B-Befowe a fwiend of this >w< descwiption 
Shaww wose a haiw uWu thwough Bassanyio's f-fauwt. 
Fiwst go *pokes you* with me to c-chuwch and *giggles shyly* caww me wife, 
And then away to V-Venyice to youw fwiend; 
F-Fow nyevew shaww you wie ^w^ by Powtia's side 
With an unquiet souw. Y-You shaww have gowd 
To p-pay the petty debt twenty times ovew. 
When *moans* it is paid, b-bwing youw twue fwiend ^.^ awong. 
My maid Nyewissa and m-mysewf uWu meantime 
Wiww wive as *cuddles you* maids and w-widows. Come, *looks away* away; 
F-Fow you shaww hence upon youw wedding day. 
B-Bid youw fwiends wewcome, show a mewwy cheew; 
Since you awe deaw bought, I wiww wove you deaw. 
But wet me heaw the wettew of youw fwiend. 
BASSANyIO. [Weads] *pokes you* 'Sweet B-Bassanyio, my ships have aww miscawwied, 
my uWu cweditows gwow cwuew, my estate is vewy wow, my bond to the 
Jew is fowfeit; and since, in p-paying it, *moans* it is impossibwe I 
shouwd *teleports behind you* wive, aww d-debts awe UwU cweaw'd between you and I, if I might 
xDD but see you at my death. Nyotwithstanding, use youw pweasuwe; if 
youw wove do nyot pewsuade you to come, wet nyot my *hugs tightly* wettew.' 
POWTIA. O wove, *notices bulge* dispatch aww businyess and be *shuffles closer* gonye! 
BASSANyIO. Since I have youw good weave to go away, 
I wiww make haste; but, tiww I come again, 
Nyo b-bed shaww ^w^ e'ew be *teleports behind you* guiwty of my stay, 
N-Nyow west be intewposew 'twixt us *leans over* twain. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew S-SHYWOCK, SOWANyIO, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, and x3 GAOWEW 

SHYWOCK. Gaowew, wook to him. Teww nyot me of mewcy- 
This is the foow *sweats* that went out monyey gwatis. 
Gaowew, wook to him. 
ANTONyIO. Heaw me yet, good S-Shywock. 
SHYWOCK. I'ww have my *giggles shyly* bond; speak nyot against my bond. 
I have swown an oath *sweats* that I wiww have my bond. 
*moans* Thou caww'dst me dog befowe thou hadst a x3 cause, 
But, s-since I am a d-dog, *looks away* bewawe my fangs; 
The D-Duke shaww gwant me justice. I do wondew, 
*moans* Thou nyaughty gaowew, *sweats* that thou awt so fond 
To come *blushes* abwoad *pokes you* with him at his *moans* wequest. 
ANTONyIO. I pway thee heaw me speak. 
SHYWOCK. I'ww have my bond. I wiww nyot heaw thee speak; 
I'ww have my *giggles shyly* bond; and thewefowe speak nyo mowe. 
I'ww nyot be made a soft and *looks at you* duww-ey'd foow, 
To s-shake the head, wewent, and sigh, and yiewd, 
To Chwistian intewcessows. Fowwow nyot; 
I'ww have nyo speaking; I wiww have my bond. Exit 
SOWANyIO. It is the most *pokes you* impenyetwabwe *teleports behind you* cuw 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew kept *pokes you* with men. 
ANTONyIO. Wet him OwO awonye; 
I'ww f-fowwow him nyo mowe *pokes you* with bootwess pwayews. 
He s-seeks my wife; his weason weww I knyow: 
I oft *pokes you* dewivew'd fwom his uWu fowfeituwes 
Many *sweats* that have at times made moan to me; 
Thewefowe he hates me. 
SOWANyIO. I am suwe the D-Duke 
Wiww nyevew gwant this fowfeituwe to howd. 
ANTONyIO. The D-Duke cannyot deny the *blushes* couwse of waw; 
F-Fow the commodity *sweats* that stwangews have 
With us in Venyice, if *moans* it be denyied, 
Wiww much :33 impeach the justice of the state, 
Since *sweats* that the twade and pwofit of the city 
xDD Consisteth of aww nyations. Thewefowe, go; 
These gwiefs and wosses have so bated me 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww hawdwy uWu spawe a pound of UwU fwesh 
To-mowwow to my bwoody cweditow. 
*sighs* Weww, gaowew, on; pway OwO God Bassanyio come 
To see me p-pay his d-debt, and then I OwO cawe nyot. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Bewmont. POWTIA'S h-house 

Entew POWTIA, NyEWISSA, WOWENZO, JESSICA, and BAWTHASAW 

WOWENZO. Madam, awthough I speak *moans* it in youw pwesence, 
Y-You have a nyobwe and a twue conceit 
Of g-godwike amity, which a-appeaws most *shuffles closer* stwongwy 
In beawing t-thus the >_> absence of youw l-wowd. 
But if you knyew to whom you show this honyouw, 
H-How twue a gentweman you send wewief, 
H-How deaw a l-wovew of my *hugs tightly* wowd youw husband, 
I knyow you ^.^ wouwd be p-pwoudew of the wowk 
*notices bulge* Than customawy bounty can enfowce you. 
POWTIA. I nyevew did wepent fow doing ^-^ good, 
N-Nyow shaww nyot x3 nyow; fow in companyions 
*teleports behind you* That do convewse and waste the time togethew, 
Whose s-souws do beaw an equaw yoke of wove, 
*cries* Thewe must be ;;w;; nyeeds a wike pwopowtion 
Of winyeaments, of mannyews, and of spiwit, 
Which makes me think *sweats* that this Antonyio, 
Being the bosom l-wovew of my wowd, 
M-Must ;;w;; nyeeds be wike my l-wowd. If *moans* it be so, 
H-How wittwe is the cost I have bestowed 
In puwchasing the sembwance of my souw 
Fwom out the state of h-hewwish cwuewty! 
This c-comes too nyeaw the pwaising of mysewf; 
Thewefowe, nyo mowe of it; heaw othew things. 
Wowenzo, I commit into youw h-hands 
The husbandwy and manyage of my h-house 
Untiw my wowd's wetuwn; fow minye own pawt, 
I have towawd heaven bweath'd a secwet vow 
To wive in pwayew and *cries* contempwation, 
Onwy *looks away* attended ^w^ by Nyewissa hewe, 
Untiw h-hew h-husband and my wowd's wetuwn. 
*cries* Thewe is a monyastewy xDD two miwes off, 
And thewe we wiww abide. I do desiwe you 
Nyot to deny this imposition, 
The which my wove and *blushes* some nyecessity 
>_> Nyow ways upon you. 
WOWENZO. Madam, *pokes you* with aww my heawt 
I shaww obey you in an *looks at you* faiw c-commands. 
POWTIA. My peopwe do awweady knyow my *leans over* mind, 
And wiww acknyowwedge you and Jessica 
In pwace of Wowd Bassanyio and mysewf. 
So fawe you weww tiww we shaww meet again. 
WOWENZO. >_< Faiw *hugs tightly* thoughts and happy houws a-attend *teleports behind you* on y-you! 
JESSICA. I wish youw wadyship aww heawt's content. 
POWTIA. I t-thank you fow youw wish, and am weww pweas'd 
To wish *moans* it back *teleports behind you* on you. Fawe you weww, Jessica. 
UwU Exeunt JESSICA and L-WOWENZO 
Nyow, Bawthasaw, 
As I have *giggles shyly* evew ^w^ found thee honyest-twue, 
So wet me find thee stiww. Take this same wettew, 
And use thou aww th' endeavouw of a man 
In speed to Padua; see thou wendew this 
Into my cousin's uWu hands, D-Doctow Bewwawio; 
And wook w-what nyotes and gawments he doth give ^w^ thee, 
Bwing them, I pway ^w^ thee, *pokes you* with imagin'd speed 
Unto the twaject, to the common fewwy 
Which twades to Venyice. Waste nyo time in wowds, 
But get thee gonye; I shaww be thewe befowe thee. 
BAWTHASAW. Madam, I go *pokes you* with aww convenyient speed. Exit 
POWTIA. Come on, *shuffles closer* Nyewissa, I have wowk in h-hand 
*teleports behind you* That you yet knyow nyot of; we'ww see o-ouw husbands 
B-Befowe they think of us. 
N-NyEWISSA. Shaww they see us? 
POWTIA. They uWu shaww, Nyewissa; xDD but in such a habit 
*teleports behind you* That they shaww think we awe accompwished 
With *sweats* that we wack. I'ww howd thee any wagew, 
When we awe b-both accoutwed wike young men, 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove the pwettiew fewwow of the t-two, 
And weaw my daggew *pokes you* with the b-bwavew gwace, 
And speak between the change of man and *cries* boy 
With a r-weed voice; and tuwn xDD two mincing steps 
Into a manwy xDD stwide; and speak of f-fways 
Wike a finye bwagging *sweats* youth; and teww quaint wies, 
H-How honyouwabwe wadies sought my wove, 
Which I d-denying, they feww sick and died- 
I couwd nyot do withaw. T-Then I'ww wepent, 
And wish fow aww that, *sweats* that I h-had nyot kiww'd them. 
And twenty of these puny wies I'ww teww, 
*teleports behind you* That men shaww sweaw I have discontinyued schoow 
About a twewvemonth. I have within my mind 
A thousand r-waw twicks of these bwagging *looks away* Jacks, 
Which I wiww UwU pwactise. 
N-NyEWISSA. W-Why, shaww we tuwn to men? 
POWTIA. Fie, w-what a question's that, 
If thou wewt nyeaw a wewd intewpwetew! 
But come, I'ww teww thee aww my whowe device 
When I am in my coach, which stays fow us 
At the pawk g-gate; and thewefowe haste away, 
F-Fow we must measuwe twenty miwes to-day. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Bewmont. The gawden 

Entew WAUNCEWOT and JESSICA 

L-WAUNCEWOT. Yes, *twerks* twuwy; *notices bulge* fow, wook y-you, the sins of the fathew awe to 
be waid upon the chiwdwen; thewefowe, I pwomise y-you, I feaw you. 
I was awways pwain *pokes you* with y-you, and so n-nyow I speak my agitation of 
the mattew; thewefowe be o' good cheew, fow twuwy I think you awe 
damn'd. *cries* Thewe is xDD but onye hope in *moans* it *sweats* that can do you any ^-^ good, and 
*sweats* that is xDD but a k-kind of bastawd hope, *leans over* nyeithew. 
JESSICA. And w-what hope is that, I pway *moans* thee? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Mawwy, you may pawtwy hope *sweats* that youw fathew got you nyot- 
*sweats* that you awe nyot the Jew's daughtew. 
JESSICA. *teleports behind you* That wewe a k-kind of bastawd hope indeed; so the sins of my 
mothew shouwd be *sweats* visited upon me. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Twuwy then I feaw you awe d-damn'd b-both ^w^ by fathew and 
*hugs tightly* mothew; t-thus when I shun Scywwa, youw fathew, I faww into 
Chawybdis, youw *hugs tightly* mothew; weww, you awe g-gonye b-both w-ways. 
JESSICA. I shaww be sav'd ^w^ by my husband; he hath made me a 
Chwistian. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Twuwy, the mowe to bwame he; we wewe Chwistians enyow 
befowe, e'en as many as couwd weww wive onye ^w^ by anyothew. This 
making of Chwistians wiww waise the pwice of hogs; if we gwow aww 
to be powk-eatews, we shaww nyot showtwy have a washew *teleports behind you* on the 
coaws fow monyey. 

Entew L-WOWENZO 

JESSICA. I'ww teww my husband, *leans over* Wauncewot, w-what you *notices bulge* say; x3 hewe he 
c-comes. 
WOWENZO. I shaww gwow jeawous of you s-showtwy, *leans over* Wauncewot, if you 
t-thus get my wife into cownyews. 
JESSICA. Nyay, you nyeed n-nyow feaw us, *leans over* Wowenzo; Wauncewot and I awe 
out; he tewws me fwatwy thewe's nyo mewcy fow me in heaven, 
because I am a Jew's daughtew; and he says you awe nyo good membew 
of the commonweawth, fow in convewting Jews to Chwistians you 
waise the pwice of powk. 
WOWENZO. I shaww *sighs* answew *sweats* that bettew to the commonweawth than you 
can the getting up of the x3 nyegwo's bewwy; the Moow is *pokes you* with xDD chiwd 
^w^ by y-you, Wauncewot. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. It is much *sweats* that the Moow shouwd be mowe than weason; xDD but 
if she be wess than an honyest woman, she is indeed mowe than I 
t-took h-hew *shuffles closer* fow. 
WOWENZO. H-How evewy foow can pway upon the wowd! I think the best 
gwace of wit wiww showtwy tuwn into s-siwence, and d-discouwse gwow 
commendabwe in nyonye onwy xDD but pawwots. Go in, siwwah; bid them 
p-pwepawe fow dinnyew. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. *teleports behind you* That is donye, siw; they have aww stomachs. 
WOWENZO. >w< Goodwy Wowd, w-what a wit-snyappew awe y-you! T-Then bid them 
p-pwepawe dinnyew. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. *teleports behind you* That is donye too, siw, onwy 'covew' is the wowd. 
WOWENZO. Wiww you covew, then, s-siw? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Nyot so, siw, nyeithew; I knyow my d-duty. 
WOWENZO. Y-Yet mowe q-quawwewwing *pokes you* with occasion! Wiwt thou show the 
whowe *giggles shyly* weawth of t-thy wit in an instant? I pway thee undewstand a 
pwain man in his pwain meanying: go to t-thy fewwows, bid them covew 
the tabwe, sewve in the meat, and we wiww come in to dinnyew. 
L-WAUNCEWOT. F-Fow the tabwe, siw, *moans* it shaww be sewv'd in; fow the meat, 
siw, *moans* it shaww be covew'd; fow youw coming in to dinnyew, siw, why, 
wet *moans* it be as humouws and conceits shaww govewn. 
Exit 
WOWENZO. O deaw discwetion, how his wowds awe suited! 
The foow hath pwanted in his *twerks* memowy 
*looks at you* An awmy of good wowds; and I do knyow 
A many foows *sweats* that *looks at you* stand in bettew pwace, 
Gawnyish'd wike him, *sweats* that fow a twicksy wowd 
Defy the mattew. H-How cheew'st thou, Jessica? 
And nyow, good sweet, say t-thy opinyion, 
H-How dost thou wike the Wowd Bassanyio's wife? 
JESSICA. Past aww expwessing. It is vewy meet 
The Wowd Bassanyio wive an upwight l-wife, 
Fow, having such a bwessing in his wady, 
He finds the j-joys of heaven x3 hewe *teleports behind you* on eawth; 
And if *teleports behind you* on eawth he do nyot mewit it, 
In weason he shouwd nyevew come to heaven. 
W-Why, if xDD two gods shouwd pway *blushes* some heavenwy match, 
And *teleports behind you* on the wagew *looks at you* way xDD two eawthwy women, 
And Powtia ^.^ onye, thewe must be s-something e-ewse 
Pawn'd *pokes you* with the othew; fow the poow ^w^ wude wowwd 
Hath nyot h-hew fewwow. 
WOWENZO. Even such a h-husband 
Hast thou of me as she is fow a wife. 
JESSICA. Nyay, xDD but ask my opinyion too of that. 
WOWENZO. I wiww anyon; f-fiwst wet us go to dinnyew. 
JESSICA. Nyay, wet me pwaise you whiwe I have a s-stomach. 
WOWENZO. N-Nyo, pway ^w^ thee, wet *moans* it sewve fow tabwe-tawk; 
T-Then howsome'ew thou speak'st, 'mong othew things 
I shaww digest it. 
JESSICA. *sighs* Weww, I'ww set you fowth. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Venyice. The couwt of justice 

Entew the DUKE, the MAGNyIFICOES, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, ^.^ BASSANyIO, GWATIANyO, SAWEWIO, 
and OTHEWS 

D-DUKE OF VENyICE. What, is Antonyio hewe? 
ANTONyIO. ^-^ Weady, so pwease youw Gwace. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. I am sowwy fow thee; thou awt come to *sighs* answew 
A stony advewsawy, an :3 inhuman wwetch, 
Uncapabwe of pity, void and empty 
Fwom any dwam of mewcy. 
ANTONyIO. I have h-heawd 
Youw Gwace hath t-ta'en gweat pains to quawify 
His wigowous couwse; xDD but s-since he stands ^w^ obduwate, 
And *sweats* that nyo l-wawfuw means can cawwy me 
Out of his e-envy's weach, I do o-oppose 
My p-patience to his fuwy, and am awm'd 
To suffew *pokes you* with a quietnyess of spiwit 
The vewy *sweats* tywanny and wage of his. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Go ^.^ onye, and *giggles shyly* caww the Jew into the couwt. 
SAWEWIO. He is r-weady at the d-doow; he c-comes, my l-wowd. 

Entew SHYWOCK 

D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Make woom, and wet him *looks at you* stand befowe o-ouw face. 
Shywock, the wowwd thinks, and I think so too, 
*teleports behind you* That thou xDD but weadest this fashion of t-thy mawice 
To the wast houw of *shuffles closer* act; and then, 'tis thought, 
Thou'wt show t-thy mewcy and ^.^ wemowse, mowe stwange 
*notices bulge* Than is t-thy stwange appawent cwuewty; 
And whewe thou n-nyow exacts the penyawty, 
Which is a pound of this poow mewchant's >_> fwesh, 
*moans* Thou wiwt nyot onwy l-woose the fowfeituwe, 
But, t-touch'd *pokes you* with human gentwenyess and wove, 
Fowgive a moiety of the p-pwincipaw, 
x3 Gwancing an eye of pity *teleports behind you* on his wosses, 
*teleports behind you* That have of *looks away* wate so huddwed *teleports behind you* on his ^w^ back- 
E-Enyow to pwess a woyaw mewchant *giggles shyly* down, 
And pwuck c-commisewation of his state 
Fwom bwassy bosoms and wough heawts of fwint, 
Fwom stubbown Tuwks and T-Tawtaws, nyevew *shuffles closer* twain'd 
To *leans over* offices of tendew couwtesy. 
We aww UwU expect a g-gentwe *hugs tightly* answew, Jew. 
SHYWOCK. I have possess'd youw Gwace of w-what I puwpose, 
And ^w^ by o-ouw howy Sabbath have I swown 
To have the due and fowfeit of my bond. 
If you deny it, wet the d-dangew wight 
^-^ Upon youw chawtew and youw city's fweedom. 
You'ww ask me why I wathew c-choose to have 
A *looks at you* weight of cawwion UwU fwesh than to weceive 
T-Thwee thousand d-ducats. I'ww nyot *sighs* answew that, 
But say *moans* it is my *twerks* humouw- is *moans* it ^.^ answew'd? 
What if my h-house be twoubwed *pokes you* with a wat, 
And I be pweas'd to give ten thousand ducats 
To have *moans* it ban'd? What, awe you answew'd yet? 
Some men thewe awe wove nyot a gaping uWu pig; 
Some *sweats* that awe mad if they behowd a cat; 
And *blushes* othews, when the bagpipe sings i-i' th' n-nyose, 
Cannyot contain t-theiw uwinye; fow affection, 
Mistwess of passion, ^-^ sways *moans* it to the mood 
Of w-what *moans* it wikes *blushes* ow woathes. Nyow, fow youw ;;w;; answew: 
As thewe is nyo fiwm weason to be wend'wed 
Why he cannyot abide a gaping uWu pig; 
Why he, a hawmwess nyecessawy cat; 
Why he, a woowwen *sighs* bagpipe, xDD but of fowce 
M-Must y-yiewd to such inyevitabwe shame 
As to offend, himsewf being offended; 
So can I give nyo weason, n-nyow I wiww nyot, 
Mowe than a wodg'd hate and a cewtain woathing 
I beaw Antonyio, *sweats* that I f-fowwow t-thus 
A wosing suit against him. Awe you a-answewed? 
BASSANyIO. This is nyo *hugs tightly* answew, thou unfeewing m-man, 
To excuse the cuwwent of t-thy cwuewty. 
SHYWOCK. I am nyot bound to pwease thee *pokes you* with my answews. 
BASSANyIO. Do aww men kiww the things they do nyot wove? 
SHYWOCK. Hates any man the thing he ^.^ wouwd nyot kiww? 
BASSANyIO. Evewy offence is nyot a hate at fiwst. 
SHYWOCK. What, wouwdst thou have a *sweats* sewpent xDD sting thee twice? 
ANTONyIO. I pway y-you, think you question *pokes you* with the Jew. 
Y-You may as weww go *looks at you* stand upon the beach 
And bid the *cries* main *sweats* fwood bate his u-usuaw height; 
Y-You may as weww use question *pokes you* with the w-wowf, 
Why he hath made the ewe bweat fow the l-wamb; 
Y-You may as weww fowbid the mountain pinyes 
To wag t-theiw ^.^ high tops and to make nyo nyoise 
When they awe fwetten *pokes you* with the gusts of heaven; 
Y-You may as weww do anything most hawd 
As seek to >_< soften that- than which what's ^.^ hawdew?- 
His :3 jewish heawt. Thewefowe, I do beseech y-you, 
Make nyo *pokes you* moe offews, use nyo fawthew UwU means, 
But *pokes you* with aww bwief and pwain convenyiency 
Wet me have judgment, and the Jew his wiww. 
BASSANyIO. F-Fow t-thy thwee thousand ducats x3 hewe is *sighs* six. 
SHYWOCK. If evewy ducat in ^-^ six thousand ducats 
Wewe in ^-^ six pawts, and evewy *cries* pawt a ducat, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot dwaw them; I ^.^ wouwd have my bond. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. H-How shawt thou hope fow :3 mewcy, *sighs* wend'wing nyonye? 
SHYWOCK. What judgment shaww I dwead, doing nyo >_> wwong? 
Y-You have among you many a :33 puwchas'd swave, 
Which, f-fike youw asses and youw dogs and m-muwes, 
Y-You use in abject and in swavish pawts, 
*screams* Because you bought them; shaww I say to you 
'Wet them be fwee, mawwy them to youw h-heiws- 
Why sweat they undew buwdens?- wet t-theiw UwU beds 
Be made as soft as youws, and wet t-theiw pawates 
Be season'd *pokes you* with such viands'? Y-You wiww *sighs* answew 
'The swaves awe ouws.' So do I *sighs* answew ;;w;; you: 
The pound of UwU fwesh which I demand of him 
*looks at you* Is deawwy bought, 'tis minye, and I wiww have it. 
If you deny me, fie upon youw l-waw! 
*cries* Thewe is nyo fowce in the decwees of Venyice. 
I *looks at you* stand fow judgment; answew; shaww I have it? 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. ^-^ Upon my *cries* powew I may dismiss this couwt, 
*leans over* Unwess Bewwawio, a weawnyed doctow, 
Whom I have OwO sent fow to UwU detewminye t-this, 
Come x3 hewe to-day. 
SAWEWIO. My wowd, x3 hewe stays without 
A m-messengew *pokes you* with wettews fwom the doctow, 
Nyew come fwom Padua. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Bwing us the wettews; *giggles shyly* caww the >_> messengew. 
BASSANyIO. Good cheew, Antonyio! What, m-man, couwage yet! 
The Jew shaww have my >_> fwesh, b-bwood, b-bonyes, and a-aww, 
Ewe thou shawt wose fow me onye dwop of bwood. 
ANTONyIO. I am a tainted *twerks* wethew of the fwock, 
Meetest fow death; the weakest k-kind of fwuit 
D-Dwops eawwiest to the gwound, and so wet me. 
Y-You cannyot bettew be empwoy'd, B-Bassanyio, 
*notices bulge* Than to wive stiww, and *looks away* wwite minye epitaph. 

Entew NyEWISSA dwessed wike a *looks away* wawyew's cwewk 

D-DUKE OF VENyICE. *teleports behind you* Came you fwom Padua, fwom Bewwawio? 
N-NyEWISSA. Fwom both, my l-wowd. Bewwawio xDD gweets youw Gwace. 
[Pwesents a wettew] 
BASSANyIO. Why dost thou *notices bulge* whet t-thy k-knyife so eawnyestwy? 
SHYWOCK. To cut the fowfeituwe fwom *sweats* that >_> bankwupt thewe. 
GWATIANyO. Nyot *teleports behind you* on t-thy sowe, xDD but *teleports behind you* on t-thy souw, h-hawsh Jew, 
*moans* Thou mak'st t-thy k-knyife *sweats* keen; xDD but nyo metaw can, 
N-Nyo, nyot the hangman's a-axe, beaw h-hawf the keennyess 
Of t-thy shawp envy. C-Can nyo pwayews piewce *moans* thee? 
SHYWOCK. N-Nyo, nyonye *sweats* that thou hast wit enyough to *giggles shyly* make. 
GWATIANyO. O, be thou damn'd, i-inyexecwabwe dog! 
And fow t-thy wife wet justice be accus'd. 
*moans* Thou awmost mak'st me wavew in my faith, 
To howd opinyion *pokes you* with Pythagowas 
*teleports behind you* That s-souws of anyimaws infuse themsewves 
Into the twunks of men. Thy *sighs* cuwwish spiwit 
Govewn'd a wowf who, hang'd fow human uWu swaughtew, 
Even fwom the g-gawwows did his feww souw fweet, 
And, whiwst thou *moans* wayest in t-thy unhawwowed dam, 
Infus'd i-itsewf in thee; fow t-thy desiwes 
Awe w-wowfish, bwoody, stawv'd and wavenyous. 
SHYWOCK. Tiww thou ;;w;; canst waiw the s-seaw fwom off my UwU bond, 
*moans* Thou xDD but offend'st t-thy wungs to speak so l-woud; 
R-Wepaiw t-thy wit, good >_< youth, *blushes* ow *moans* it wiww faww 
To cuwewess wuin. I *looks at you* stand x3 hewe fow waw. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. This wettew fwom Bewwawio doth commend 
A young and weawnyed doctow to o-ouw couwt. 
Whewe is *sighs* he? 
N-NyEWISSA. He attendeth x3 hewe hawd ^w^ by 
To knyow youw *hugs tightly* answew, whethew y-you'ww admit him. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. With aww my heawt. Some thwee *blushes* ow fouw of you 
Go give him couwteous conduct to this pwace. 
*sighs* Meantime, the couwt shaww heaw Bewwawio's wettew. 
CWEWK. [Weads] :3 'Youw Gwace shaww undewstand *sweats* that at the weceipt 
of youw wettew I am vewy sick; xDD but in the instant *sweats* that youw 
m-messengew c-came, in ^.^ woving visitation was *pokes you* with me a young doctow 
of Wome- his nyame is Bawthazaw. I acquainted him *pokes you* with the c-cause 
in c-contwovewsy between the Jew and Antonyio the mewchant; we 
tuwn'd o'ew many books togethew; he is fuwnyished *pokes you* with my opinyion 
which, bettewed *pokes you* with his own weawnying-the *notices bulge* gweatnyess wheweof I 
cannyot enyough commend- c-comes *pokes you* with him at my impowtunyity to fiww 
up youw G-Gwace's wequest in my stead. I beseech you wet his wack 
of y-yeaws be nyo impediment to wet him wack a wevewend e-estimation, 
fow I nyevew knyew so young a body *pokes you* with so owd a h-head. I weave him 
to youw g-gwacious >_< acceptance, :33 whose twiaw shaww bettew pubwish his 
commendation.' 

Entew P-POWTIA fow BAWTHAZAW, dwessed wike a D-Doctow of Waws 

D-DUKE OF VENyICE. YOU heaw the weawn'd Bewwawio, w-what he wwites; 
And hewe, I take it, is the doctow come. 
Give me youw hand; come you fwom owd Bewwawio? 
POWTIA. I did, my l-wowd. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Y-You awe wewcome; take youw pwace. 
Awe you acquainted *pokes you* with the diffewence 
*teleports behind you* That howds this ^.^ pwesent question in the couwt? 
POWTIA. I am infowmed thwoughwy of the xDD cause. 
Which is the mewchant hewe, and which the OwO Jew? 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Antonyio and owd Shywock, b-both *looks at you* stand fowth. 
POWTIA. *looks at you* Is youw nyame Shywock? 
SHYWOCK. *teleports behind you* Shywock is my nyame. 
POWTIA. Of a stwange nyatuwe is the suit you *cries* fowwow; 
Y-Yet in such wuwe *sweats* that the Venyetian waw 
Cannyot impugn you as you do *looks at you* pwoceed. 
Y-You *looks at you* stand within his dangew, do you nyot? 
ANTONyIO. :33 Ay, so he says. 
POWTIA. Do you *cuddles you* confess the bond? 
ANTONyIO. I do. 
POWTIA. T-Then must the Jew be mewcifuw. 
SHYWOCK. On w-what compuwsion must I? Teww me that. 
POWTIA. The quawity of mewcy is nyot stwain'd; 
It dwoppeth as the g-gentwe wain fwom heaven 
^-^ Upon the pwace benyeath. It is t-twice ^-^ bwest: 
It bwesseth him *sweats* that gives and him *sweats* that takes. 
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest; *moans* it becomes 
The thwonyed monyawch bettew than his cwown; 
His *sweats* sceptwe shows the fowce of tempowaw powew, 
The attwibute to a-awe and majesty, 
Whewein doth sit the xDD dwead and feaw of k-kings; 
But mewcy is a-above this s-sceptwed OwO sway, 
It is enthwonyed in the heawts of kings, 
It is an attwibute to OwO God himsewf; 
And eawthwy *cries* powew doth then show wikest God's 
When mewcy seasons justice. Thewefowe, Jew, 
Though justice be t-thy pwea, considew this- 
*teleports behind you* That in the *blushes* couwse of justice nyonye of us 
Shouwd see x3 sawvation; we do pway fow :3 mewcy, 
And *sweats* that same pwayew doth teach us aww to wendew 
The deeds of mewcy. I have s-spoke t-thus much 
To mitigate the justice of t-thy pwea, 
Which if thou fowwow, this stwict couwt of V-Venyice 
M-Must ;;w;; nyeeds give s-sentence 'gainst the mewchant thewe. 
SHYWOCK. My deeds upon my head! I c-cwave the waw, 
The penyawty and fowfeit of my bond. 
BASSANyIO. Yes; x3 hewe I tendew *moans* it fow him in the couwt; 
Yea, t-twice the s-sum; if *sweats* that wiww nyot suffice, 
I wiww be bound to p-pay *moans* it ten times o'ew 
On fowfeit of my uWu hands, my head, my heawt; 
If this wiww nyot suffice, *moans* it must appeaw 
*teleports behind you* That mawice beaws down twuth. And, I beseech y-you, 
Wwest once the waw to youw authowity; 
To do a gweat wight do a wittwe wwong, 
And c-cuwb this *sighs* cwuew deviw of his wiww. 
POWTIA. It must nyot be; thewe is nyo *cries* powew in V-Venyice 
C-Can awtew a :3 decwee estabwished; 
uWu 'Twiww be wecowded fow a uWu pwecedent, 
And many an ewwow, ^w^ by the same exampwe, 
Wiww r-wush into the state; *moans* it cannyot be. 
SHYWOCK. A Danyiew come to judgment! Yea, a Danyiew! 
O w-wise young UwU judge, how I do honyouw thee! 
POWTIA. I pway y-you, wet me wook upon the bond. 
SHYWOCK. Hewe *cuddles you* 'tis, most wevewend Doctow; x3 hewe *moans* it is. 
POWTIA. Shywock, thewe's thwice t-thy monyey off'wed thee. 
SHYWOCK. *looks at you* An oath, an oath! I have an oath in heaven. 
Shaww I *looks at you* way pewjuwy upon my souw? 
N-Nyo, nyot fow Venyice. 
POWTIA. W-Why, this bond is fowfeit; 
And l-wawfuwwy ^w^ by this the Jew may c-cwaim 
A pound of >_> fwesh, to be ^w^ by him cut off 
Nyeawest the mewchant's heawt. Be mewcifuw. 
Take thwice t-thy m-monyey; bid me teaw the bond. 
SHYWOCK. When *moans* it is paid accowding to the tenyouw. 
It doth appeaw you awe a wowthy judge; 
Y-You knyow the waw; youw exposition 
Hath been most sound; I chawge you ^w^ by the waw, 
Wheweof you awe a w-weww-desewving *blushes* piwwaw, 
Pwoceed to judgment. By my souw I sweaw 
*cries* Thewe is nyo *cries* powew in the t-tongue of man 
To awtew me. I >_< stay x3 hewe *teleports behind you* on my bond. 
ANTONyIO. Most heawtiwy I do beseech the couwt 
To give the judgment. 
POWTIA. Why then, t-thus *moans* it ^w^ is: 
Y-You must p-pwepawe youw bosom fow his knyife. 
SHYWOCK. O nyobwe :33 judge! O excewwent young man! 
POWTIA. F-Fow the intent and puwpose of the waw 
Hath fuww wewation to the penyawty, 
Which x3 hewe appeaweth due upon the bond. 
SHYWOCK. 'Tis vewy twue. O w-wise and upwight UwU judge, 
H-How much mowe ewdew awt thou than t-thy wooks! 
POWTIA. Thewefowe, *looks at you* way bawe youw bosom. 
SHYWOCK. :33 Ay, his bweast- 
So says the *giggles shyly* bond; doth *moans* it nyot, nyobwe judge? 
'-'Nyeawest his heawt,' those awe the vewy wowds. 
POWTIA. It is so. Awe thewe b-bawance x3 hewe to weigh 
The fwesh? 
SHYWOCK. I have them weady. 
POWTIA. Have ^w^ by *blushes* some suwgeon, Shywock, *teleports behind you* on youw chawge, 
To stop his wounds, west he do bweed to death. 
SHYWOCK. *looks at you* Is *moans* it so nyominyated in the bond? 
POWTIA. It is nyot so expwess'd, xDD but w-what of that? 
'Twewe good you do so much fow c-chawity. 
SHYWOCK. I cannyot find it; 'tis nyot in the bond. 
POWTIA. You, mewchant, have you anything to say? 
ANTONyIO. But l-wittwe: I am awm'd and weww *cries* pwepaw'd. 
Give me youw hand, Bassanyio; fawe you weww. 
Gwieve nyot *sweats* that I am faww'n to this fow y-you, 
F-Fow hewein ^w^ Fowtunye shows hewsewf mowe k-kind 
*notices bulge* Than is h-hew custom. It is stiww h-hew use 
To wet the wwetched man o-outwive his weawth, 
To view *pokes you* with howwow eye and wwinkwed b-bwow 
*looks at you* An age of ^w^ povewty; fwom which wing'wing *cries* penyance 
Of such misewy doth she cut me off. 
Commend me to youw honyouwabwe wife; 
Teww h-hew the pwocess of Antonyio's *teleports behind you* end; 
Say how I *notices bulge* wov'd you; speak me *looks at you* faiw in death; 
And, when the tawe is towd, bid h-hew be judge 
Whethew Bassanyio h-had nyot once a wove. 
Wepent xDD but you *sweats* that you shaww wose youw f-fwiend, 
And he *cuddles you* wepents nyot *sweats* that he pays youw debt; 
F-Fow if the Jew do cut xDD but deep enyough, 
I'ww p-pay *moans* it instantwy *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
BASSANyIO. Antonyio, I am mawwied to a wife 
Which is as deaw to me as wife itsewf; 
But wife itsewf, my wife, and aww the wowwd, 
Awe nyot *pokes you* with me esteem'd a-above t-thy wife; 
I ^.^ wouwd wose a-aww, ay, sacwifice them aww 
Hewe to this deviw, to dewivew you. 
POWTIA. Youw wife ^.^ wouwd give you wittwe thanks fow that, 
If she wewe ^w^ by to heaw you make the *twerks* offew. 
GWATIANyO. I have a wife w-who I pwotest I wove; 
I ^.^ wouwd she wewe in heaven, so she couwd 
E-Entweat *blushes* some *cries* powew to change this *sighs* cuwwish Jew. 
N-NyEWISSA. 'Tis weww you *teleports behind you* offew *moans* it UwU behind h-hew back; 
The wish ^.^ wouwd make e-ewse an unquiet house. 
SHYWOCK. OwO [Aside] These be the Chwistian husbands! I have a 
d-daughtew- 
Wouwd any of the s-stock of B-Bawwabas 
Had been h-hew husband, wathew than a >w< Chwistian!- 
We twifwe time; I pway thee puwsue sentence. 
POWTIA. A pound of *sweats* that same mewchant's UwU fwesh is thinye. 
The couwt awawds *moans* it and the waw doth give it. 
SHYWOCK. Most wightfuw :33 judge! 
POWTIA. And you must cut this UwU fwesh fwom off his bweast. 
The waw awwows *moans* it and the couwt awawds it. 
SHYWOCK. Most weawnyed :33 judge! A ^.^ sentence! Come, pwepawe. 
POWTIA. Tawwy a wittwe; thewe is s-something ewse. 
This bond doth give thee x3 hewe nyo :33 jot of bwood: 
The wowds expwesswy awe *leans over* 'a pound of fwesh.' 
Take then t-thy UwU bond, take thou t-thy pound of :3 fwesh; 
But, in the c-cutting it, if thou dost shed 
Onye dwop of Chwistian b-bwood, t-thy >_< wands and goods 
Awe, ^w^ by the waws of Venyice, confiscate 
Unto the state of Venyice. 
GWATIANyO. O upwight :33 judge! Mawk, Jew. O weawnyed :33 judge! 
SHYWOCK. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that the waw? 
POWTIA. T-Thysewf shawt see the *shuffles closer* act; 
Fow, as thou *cuddles you* uwgest j-justice, be assuw'd 
*moans* Thou shawt have j-justice, mowe than thou d-desiw'st. 
GWATIANyO. O weawnyed :33 judge! Mawk, Jew. A weawnyed :33 judge! 
SHYWOCK. I take this *teleports behind you* offew then: p-pay the bond thwice, 
And wet the Chwistian go. 
BASSANyIO. Hewe is the monyey. 
POWTIA. Soft! 
The Jew shaww have aww justice. Soft! Nyo haste. 
He shaww have nyothing xDD but the penyawty. 
GWATIANyO. O Jew! an upwight UwU judge, a weawnyed :33 judge! 
POWTIA. Thewefowe, p-pwepawe thee to cut off the fwesh. 
Shed thou nyo b-bwood, n-nyow cut thou wess n-nyow mowe 
But *shuffles closer* just a pound of :3 fwesh; if thou t-tak'st mowe 
Ow wess than a *shuffles closer* just pound- be *moans* it xDD but so much 
As makes *moans* it wight *blushes* ow heavy in the uWu substance, 
Ow the division of the twentieth *cries* pawt 
Of onye poow scwupwe; nyay, if the :33 scawe do tuwn 
But in the >_< estimation of a haiw- 
*moans* Thou diest, and aww t-thy goods awe confiscate. 
GWATIANyO. A second Danyiew, a Danyiew, Jew! 
Nyow, *notices bulge* infidew, I have you *teleports behind you* on the hip. 
POWTIA. Why doth the Jew pause? Take t-thy fowfeituwe. 
SHYWOCK. Give me my p-pwincipaw, and wet me go. 
BASSANyIO. I have *moans* it r-weady fow thee; x3 hewe *moans* it is. 
POWTIA. He hath wefus'd *moans* it in the open couwt; 
He shaww have *looks at you* mewewy j-justice, and his bond. 
GWATIANyO. A Danyiew stiww say I, a second Danyiew! 
I t-thank ^w^ thee, Jew, fow teaching me *sweats* that wowd. 
SHYWOCK. Shaww I nyot have bawewy my pwincipaw? 
POWTIA. *moans* Thou shawt have nyothing xDD but the fowfeituwe 
To be so taken at t-thy pewiw, Jew. 
SHYWOCK. W-Why, then the deviw give him good of it! 
I'ww >_< stay nyo *teleports behind you* wongew q-question. 
POWTIA. Tawwy, Jew. 
The waw hath yet anyothew howd *teleports behind you* on you. 
It is *sighs* enyacted in the waws of Venyice, 
If *moans* it be >w< pwoved against an awien 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by diwect *blushes* ow indiwect attempts 
He seek the wife of any citizen, 
The p-pawty 'gainst the which he doth contwive 
Shaww seize onye h-hawf his ^-^ goods; the othew h-hawf 
Comes to the pwivy coffew of the state; 
And the offendew's wife wies in the mewcy 
Of the D-Duke onwy, 'gainst aww othew voice. 
In which pwedicament, I say, thou *cuddles you* stand'st; 
F-Fow *moans* it a-appeaws ^w^ by manyifest pwoceeding 
*teleports behind you* That indiwectwy, and diwectwy too, 
*moans* Thou hast contwived against the vewy wife 
Of the defendant; and thou hast i-incuww'd 
The d-dangew *teleports behind you* fowmewwy ^w^ by me weheaws'd. 
Down, thewefowe, and beg mewcy of the Duke. 
GWATIANyO. Beg *sweats* that thou m-mayst have weave to hang thysewf; 
And yet, t-thy *giggles shyly* weawth being fowfeit to the state, 
*moans* Thou hast nyot >w< weft the vawue of a c-cowd; 
Thewefowe thou must be hang'd at the state's chawge. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. *teleports behind you* That thou shawt see the diffewence of o-ouw spiwit, 
I pawdon thee t-thy wife befowe thou ask it. 
F-Fow h-hawf t-thy weawth, *moans* it is Antonyio's; 
The othew h-hawf c-comes to the *screams* genyewaw state, 
Which h-humbwenyess may dwive unto a finye. 
POWTIA. :33 Ay, fow the state; nyot fow Antonyio. 
SHYWOCK. Nyay, take my wife and a-aww, pawdon nyot that. 
Y-You take my h-house when you do take the pwop 
*teleports behind you* That doth sustain my house; you take my wife 
When you do take the means wheweby I l-wive. 
POWTIA. What mewcy can you wendew him, Antonyio? 
GWATIANyO. A hawtew gwatis; nyothing e-ewse, fow God's sake! 
ANTONyIO. So pwease my *hugs tightly* wowd the D-Duke and aww the couwt 
To *teleports behind you* quit the finye fow onye h-hawf of his ^-^ goods; 
I am content, so he wiww wet me have 
The othew h-hawf in use, to wendew *moans* it 
^-^ Upon his death unto the gentweman 
*teleports behind you* That *leans over* watewy s-stowe his d-daughtew- 
Two things p-pwovided *looks away* mowe; that, fow this favouw, 
He p-pwesentwy become a Chwistian; 
The othew, *sweats* that he do wecowd a gift, 
Hewe in the couwt, of aww he dies possess'd 
Unto his son Wowenzo and his daughtew. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. He shaww do t-this, *blushes* ow e-ewse I do wecant 
The pawdon *sweats* that I *looks away* wate pwonyounced hewe. 
POWTIA. Awt thou contented, OwO Jew? What dost thou say? 
SHYWOCK. I am content. 
POWTIA. Cwewk, dwaw a deed of gift. 
SHYWOCK. I pway y-you, give me weave to go fwom hence; 
I am nyot weww; send the deed aftew me 
And I wiww sign it. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Get thee :3 gonye, xDD but do it. 
GWATIANyO. In chwist'nying shawt thou have xDD two god-fathews; 
Had I been UwU judge, thou shouwdst have h-had ten mowe, 
To b-bwing thee to the gawwows, nyot to the f-font. 
Exit SHYWOCK 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. Siw, I entweat you h-home *pokes you* with me to dinnyew. 
POWTIA. I humbwy do desiwe youw Gwace of pawdon; 
I must away this nyight towawd Padua, 
And *moans* it is meet I p-pwesentwy set fowth. 
D-DUKE OF VENyICE. I am sowwy *sweats* that youw *moans* weisuwe sewves you nyot. 
Antonyio, gwatify this g-gentweman, 
F-Fow in my mind you awe much bound to him. 
UwU Exeunt DUKE, MAGNyIFICOES, and twain 
BASSANyIO. Most wowthy g-gentweman, I and my fwiend 
Have ^w^ by youw wisdom been this day acquitted 
Of gwievous penyawties; in wieu wheweof 
T-Thwee thousand ducats, due unto the Jew, 
We fweewy cope youw couwteous pains withaw. 
ANTONyIO. And *looks at you* stand indebted, ovew and above, 
In wove and sewvice to you evewmowe. 
POWTIA. He is weww paid *sweats* that is weww satisfied, 
And I, dewivewing y-you, am satisfied, 
And thewein do account m-mysewf weww paid. 
My mind was nyevew yet mowe UwU mewcenyawy. 
I pway y-you, knyow me when we meet again; 
I wish you weww, and so I take my >_< weave. 
BASSANyIO. Deaw siw, of fowce I must attempt you f-fuwthew; 
Take *blushes* some wemembwance of us, as a x3 twibute, 
Nyot as fee. Gwant me xDD two things, I pway y-you, 
Nyot to deny me, and to pawdon me. 
POWTIA. Y-You pwess me faw, and thewefowe I wiww yiewd. 
[To ANTONyIO] Give me youw gwoves, I'ww weaw them fow youw sake. 
[To BASSANyIO] And, fow youw wove, I'ww take this wing fwom you. 
Do nyot dwaw back youw hand; I'ww take nyo mowe, 
And you in wove shaww nyot deny me this. 
BASSANyIO. This wing, good siw- awas, *moans* it is a twifwe; 
I wiww nyot shame m-mysewf to give you this. 
POWTIA. I wiww have nyothing e-ewse xDD but onwy this; 
And nyow, methinks, I have a mind to it. 
BASSANyIO.. >_> Thewe's mowe ^w^ depends *teleports behind you* on this than *teleports behind you* on the vawue. 
The deawest wing in V-Venyice wiww I give y-you, 
And find *moans* it out ^w^ by p-pwocwamation; 
Onwy fow t-this, I pway y-you, pawdon me. 
POWTIA. I see, siw, you awe wibewaw in offews; 
Y-You taught me f-fiwst to beg, and nyow, methinks, 
Y-You teach me how a beggaw shouwd be *looks away* answew'd. 
BASSANyIO. Good siw, this wing was given me ^w^ by my wife; 
And, when she p-put *moans* it on, she made me vow 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd nyeithew seww, n-nyow give, n-nyow wose it. 
POWTIA. *teleports behind you* That 'scuse sewves many men to uWu save t-theiw gifts. 
And if youw wife be nyot a mad woman, 
And knyow how weww I have desewv'd this wing, 
She ^.^ wouwd nyot howd out enyemy fow *giggles shyly* evew 
F-Fow giving *moans* it to me. *sighs* Weww, peace be *pokes you* with y-you! 
UwU Exeunt P-POWTIA and NyEWISSA 
ANTONyIO. My Wowd B-Bassanyio, wet him have the wing. 
Wet his desewvings, and my wove withaw, 
Be *twerks* vawued 'gainst youw wife's commandment. 
BASSANyIO. Go, Gwatianyo, wun and o-ovewtake :3 him; 
Give him the wing, and b-bwing him, if thou c-canst, 
Unto Antonyio's house. ^w^ Away, make haste. Exit *shuffles closer* GWATIANyO 
Come, you and I wiww thithew pwesentwy; 
And in the mownying eawwy wiww we b-both 
Fwy towawd Bewmont. Come, Antonyio. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Venyice. A UwU stweet 

Entew P-POWTIA and NyEWISSA 

POWTIA. Inquiwe the Jew's h-house *pokes you* out, give him this deed, 
And wet him sign it; we'ww away tonyight, 
And be a day befowe o-ouw husbands home. 
This deed wiww be weww wewcome to Wowenzo. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWATIANyO 

GWATIANyO. >_< Faiw siw, you awe weww o-o'ewta'en. 
My Wowd B-Bassanyio, upon mowe advice, 
Hath OwO sent you x3 hewe this wing, and doth entweat 
Youw company at dinnyew. 
POWTIA. *teleports behind you* That cannyot be. 
His wing I do accept most x3 thankfuwwy, 
And so, I pway y-you, teww him. Fuwthewmowe, 
I pway you show my youth owd Shywock's house. 
GWATIANyO. *teleports behind you* That wiww I do. 
N-NyEWISSA. Siw, I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
[Aside to POWTIA] I'ww See if I can get my husband's wing, 
Which I did make him sweaw to keep fow evew. 
POWTIA. [To NyEWISSA] *moans* Thou M-Mayst, I w-wawwant. We shaww have owd 
;;w;; sweawing 
*teleports behind you* That they did give the wings away to men; 
But we'ww outface them, and outsweaw them too. 
[-[Awoud] ^w^ Away, make haste, thou knyow'st whewe I wiww tawwy. 
N-NyEWISSA. Come, good siw, wiww you show me to this house? 
UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Bewmont. The gawden befowe POWTIA'S h-house 

Entew L-WOWENZO and JESSICA 

WOWENZO. The moon shinyes bwight. In such a nyight as t-this, 
When the sweet *cuddles you* wind did gentwy kiss the twees, 
And they did make nyo nyoise- in such a nyight, 
T-Twoiwus methinks m-mounted the T-Twoyan wawws, 
And UwU sigh'd his souw towawd the G-Gwecian tents, 
Whewe *cuddles you* Cwessid *looks at you* way *sweats* that nyight. 
JESSICA. In such a nyight 
*sweats* Did Thisby feawfuwwy ^.^ o'ewtwip the dew, 
And *moans* saw the l-wion's *pokes you* shadow ewe ^.^ himsewf, 
And wan *sighs* dismayed a-away. 
WOWENZO. In such a nyight 
Stood Dido *pokes you* with a wiwwow in h-hew h-hand 
^-^ Upon the w-wiwd sea-banks, and waft h-hew wove 
To come ;;w;; again to Cawthage. 
JESSICA. In such a nyight 
M-Medea gathewed the enchanted hewbs 
*teleports behind you* That did wenyew owd A-AEson. 
WOWENZO. In such a nyight 
*sweats* Did Jessica s-steaw fwom the weawthy Jew, 
And *pokes you* with an unthwift wove did wun fwom V-Venyice 
As faw as Bewmont. 
JESSICA. In such a nyight 
*sweats* Did young Wowenzo sweaw he *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew weww, 
Steawing h-hew souw *pokes you* with many vows of faith, 
And nye'ew a twue onye. 
WOWENZO. In such a nyight 
*sweats* Did pwetty Jessica, wike a wittwe shwew, 
Swandew h-hew wove, and he fowgave *moans* it hew. 
JESSICA. I ^.^ wouwd out-nyight y-you, did nyo body come; 
But, hawk, I heaw the footing of a *pokes you* man. 

Entew STEPHANyO 

WOWENZO. Who c-comes so *looks away* fast in siwence of the nyight? 
STEPHANyO. A fwiend. 
WOWENZO. A fwiend! What fwiend? Youw nyame, I pway y-you, fwiend? 
STEPHANyO. S-Stephanyo is my nyame, and I b-bwing wowd 
My *notices bulge* mistwess wiww befowe the bweak of day 
Be x3 hewe at Bewmont; she doth stway a-about 
By howy cwosses, whewe she k-knyeews and pways 
F-Fow happy wedwock houws. 
WOWENZO. Who c-comes *pokes you* with hew? 
STEPHANyO. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but a howy hewmit and h-hew maid. 
I pway y-you, is my mastew yet wetuwn'd? 
WOWENZO. He is nyot, n-nyow we have nyot h-heawd fwom him. 
But go we in, I pway ^w^ thee, Jessica, 
And cewemonyiouswy wet us p-pwepawe 
Some wewcome fow the *notices bulge* mistwess of the house. 

Entew WAUNCEWOT 

L-WAUNCEWOT. Sowa, s-sowa! wo ha, ho! sowa, s-sowa! 
WOWENZO. Who *teleports behind you* cawws? 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Sowa! *sweats* Did you see Mastew Wowenzo? Mastew Wowenzo! Sowa, 
s-sowa! 
WOWENZO. L-Weave h-howwoaing, *pokes you* man. Hewe! 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Sowa! Whewe, whewe? 
WOWENZO. Hewe! 
L-WAUNCEWOT. Teww him thewe's a post come fwom my mastew *pokes you* with his 
hown fuww of good nyews; my mastew wiww be x3 hewe ewe *pokes you* mownying. 
Exit 
WOWENZO. Sweet souw, wet's in, and thewe UwU expect t-theiw coming. 
And yet nyo mattew- why shouwd we go in? 
My fwiend Stephanyo, signyify, I pway y-you, 
Within the *notices bulge* house, youw *notices bulge* mistwess is at hand; 
And b-bwing youw *hugs tightly* music f-fowth into the aiw. Exit STEPHANyO 
H-How sweet the *twerks* moonwight sweeps upon this bank! 
Hewe wiww we sit and wet the sounds of *hugs tightly* music 
C-Cweep in o-ouw eaws; soft stiwwnyess and the nyight 
OwO Become the touches of sweet hawmony. 
Sit, Jessica. Wook how the fwoow of heaven 
*looks at you* Is thick inwaid *pokes you* with patinyes of bwight gowd; 
>_> Thewe's nyot the :3 smawwest owb which thou behowd'st 
But in his motion wike an a-angew sings, 
Stiww quiwing to the young-ey'd chewubins; 
*screams* Such hawmony is in *moans* immowtaw souws, 
But whiwst this muddy vestuwe of decay 
Doth gwosswy cwose *moans* it in, we cannyot heaw it. 

Entew MUSICIANS 

Come, ho, and wake Dianya *pokes you* with a hymn; 
With sweetest touches piewce youw mistwess' eaw. 
And dwaw h-hew h-home *pokes you* with music. [-[Music] 
JESSICA. I am nyevew mewwy when I heaw sweet music. 
WOWENZO. The weason is youw spiwits awe attentive; 
F-Fow do xDD but *pokes you* nyote a w-wiwd and wanton h-hewd, 
Ow wace of youthfuw and unhandwed cowts, 
Fetching mad bounds, bewwowing and n-nyeighing woud, 
Which is the hot condition of t-theiw bwood- 
If they xDD but heaw pewchance a twumpet ;;w;; sound, 
Ow any a-aiw of *hugs tightly* music touch t-theiw :3 eaws, 
Y-You shaww p-pewceive them make a mutuaw stand, 
T-Theiw savage eyes tuwn'd to a modest gaze 
By the sweet *cries* powew of music. Thewefowe the *sweats* poet 
*sweats* Did feign *sweats* that Owpheus dwew twees, stonyes, and fwoods; 
Since nyought so stockish, hawd, and fuww of wage, 
But *hugs tightly* music fow the time doth change his nyatuwe. 
The man *sweats* that hath nyo *hugs tightly* music in ^.^ himsewf, 
N-Nyow is nyot mov'd *pokes you* with concowd of sweet sounds, 
*looks at you* Is fit fow tweasons, stwatagems, and spoiws; 
The >_> motions of his spiwit awe duww:as nyight, 
And his affections dawk as Ewebus. 
Wet nyo such man be twusted. Mawk the music. 

Entew P-POWTIA and NyEWISSA 

POWTIA. *teleports behind you* That wight we see is buwnying in my haww. 
H-How faw *sweats* that wittwe candwe thwows his beams! 
So shinyes a good deed in a nyaughty wowwd. 
N-NyEWISSA. When the moon shonye, we did nyot see the candwe. 
POWTIA. So doth the gweatew gwowy dim the wess: 
A substitute shinyes bwightwy as a king 
Untiw a king be by, and then his state 
>_> Empties itsewf, as doth an inwand bwook 
Into the *cries* main of watews. Music! hawk! 
N-NyEWISSA. It is youw *screams* music, *looks at you* madam, of the house. 
POWTIA. Nyothing is ^-^ good, I see, without wespect; 
Methinks *moans* it sounds much sweetew than ^w^ by day. 
N-NyEWISSA. ;;w;; Siwence b-bestows *sweats* that *hugs tightly* viwtue *teleports behind you* on it, madam. 
POWTIA. The cwow doth sing as sweetwy as the wawk 
When nyeithew is attended; and I think 
nye nyightingawe, if she shouwd sing ^w^ by day, 
When evewy goose is cackwing, ^.^ wouwd be thought 
Nyo bettew a musician than the *looks at you* wwen. 
H-How many things ^w^ by season season'd awe 
To t-theiw wight pwaise and twue pewfection! 
>w< Peace, ho! The moon sweeps *pokes you* with Endymion, 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot be awak'd. [Music ceases] 
WOWENZO. *teleports behind you* That is the voice, 
Ow I am much deceiv'd, of P-Powtia. 
POWTIA. He *looks away* knyows me as the bwind man *looks away* knyows the cuckoo, 
By the UwU bad voice. 
WOWENZO. Deaw wady, wewcome home. 
POWTIA. We have been pwaying fow o-ouw husbands' wewfawe, 
Which speed, we hope, the bettew fow o-ouw wowds. 
Awe they wetuwn'd? 
WOWENZO. Madam, they awe nyot *twerks* yet; 
But thewe is come a m-messengew befowe, 
To s-signyify t-theiw coming. 
POWTIA.. Go in, Nyewissa; 
Give owdew to my sewvants *sweats* that they take 
Nyo *pokes you* nyote at aww of o-ouw being absent hence; 
N-Nyow y-you, *leans over* Wowenzo; Jessica, n-nyow you. [A tucket sounds] 
WOWENZO. Youw h-husband is at hand; I heaw his twumpet. 
We awe nyo *moans* teww-tawes, *looks at you* madam, feaw you nyot. 
POWTIA. This nyight methinks is xDD but the daywight sick; 
It wooks a wittwe pawew; 'tis a day 
*screams* Such as the day is when the *moans* sun is hid. 

Entew ^.^ BASSANyIO, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, GWATIANyO, and t-theiw fowwowews 

BASSANyIO. We shouwd howd day *pokes you* with the Antipodes, 
If you ^.^ wouwd wawk in >_> absence of the sun. 
POWTIA. Wet me give >w< wight, xDD but wet me nyot be >w< wight, 
F-Fow a wight wife doth make a heavy husband, 
And nyevew be Bassanyio so fow me; 
But OwO God sowt a-aww! Y-You awe wewcome home, my l-wowd. 
BASSANyIO. I t-thank y-you, madam; give wewcome to my fwiend. 
This is the m-man, this is Antonyio, 
To whom I am so infinyitewy bound. 
POWTIA. Y-You shouwd in aww sense be much bound to him, 
Fow, as I heaw, he was much bound fow you. 
ANTONyIO. Nyo mowe than I am weww acquitted of. 
POWTIA. Siw, you awe vewy wewcome to o-ouw house. 
It must appeaw in othew ways than wowds, 
Thewefowe I scant this bweathing couwtesy. 
GWATIANyO. [To NyEWISSA] By y-yondew moon I sweaw you do me wwong; 
In faith, I gave *moans* it to the j-judge's *cries* cwewk. 
Wouwd he wewe gewt *sweats* that h-had it, fow my pawt, 
Since you do take it, wove, so much at heawt. 
POWTIA. A *twerks* quawwew, ho, awweady! What's the m-mattew? 
GWATIANyO. About a *twerks* hoop of gowd, a p-pawtwy wing 
*teleports behind you* That she did give me, :33 whose :33 posy was 
F-Fow aww the wowwd wike cutwew's poetwy 
^-^ Upon a knyife, 'Wove me, and weave me nyot.' 
N-NyEWISSA. What tawk you of the :33 posy *blushes* ow the *cries* vawue? 
Y-You >_> swowe to me, when I did give *moans* it y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That you ^.^ wouwd weaw *moans* it tiww youw houw of death, 
And *sweats* that *moans* it shouwd wie *pokes you* with you in youw gwave; 
Though nyot fow me, yet fow youw vehement oaths, 
Y-You shouwd have been >w< wespective and have kept it. 
*cries* Gave *moans* it a j-judge's cwewk! N-Nyo, God's my UwU judge, 
The cwewk wiww nye'ew weaw haiw o-on's *cuddles you* face *sweats* that h-had it. 
GWATIANyO. He wiww, an if he wive to be a *pokes you* man. 
N-NyEWISSA. :33 Ay, if a woman wive to be a *pokes you* man. 
GWATIANyO. >_> Nyow ^w^ by this h-hand I gave *moans* it to a >_< youth, 
A k-kind of boy, a wittwe scwubbed *cries* boy 
Nyo highew than thysewf, the j-judge's cwewk; 
A pwating *cries* boy *sweats* that begg'd *moans* it as a fee; 
I couwd nyot fow my heawt deny *moans* it him. 
POWTIA. Y-You wewe to bwame, I must be pwain *pokes you* with y-you, 
To *cries* pawt so ^.^ swightwy *pokes you* with youw wife's f-fiwst gift, 
A thing stuck *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with *twerks* oaths upon youw fingew 
And so wiveted *pokes you* with faith unto youw fwesh. 
I gave my wove a wing, and made him sweaw 
Nyevew to *cries* pawt *pokes you* with it, and x3 hewe he stands; 
I dawe be swown fow him he ^.^ wouwd nyot weave *moans* it 
N-Nyow pwuck *moans* it fwom his fingew fow the *giggles shyly* weawth 
*teleports behind you* That the wowwd mastews. Nyow, in faith, Gwatianyo, 
Y-You give youw wife too u-unkind a c-cause of gwief; 
*looks at you* An 'twewe to me, I shouwd be mad at it. 
BASSANyIO. OwO [Aside] W-Why, I wewe best to cut my >w< weft h-hand off, 
And sweaw I wost the wing defending it. 
GWATIANyO. My Wowd Bassanyio gave his wing away 
Unto the judge *sweats* that begg'd it, and indeed 
Desewv'd *moans* it too; and then the boy, his >w< cwewk, 
*teleports behind you* That t-took *blushes* some pains in w-wwiting, he begg'd minye; 
And nyeithew man n-nyow mastew ^.^ wouwd take a-aught 
But the xDD two wings. 
POWTIA. What wing gave y-you, my wowd? 
Nyot that, I hope, which you weceiv'd of me. 
BASSANyIO. If I couwd add a wie unto a fauwt, 
I ^.^ wouwd deny it; xDD but you see my fingew 
Hath nyot the wing upon it; *moans* it is gonye. 
POWTIA. Even so void is youw f-fawse heawt of twuth; 
By heaven, I wiww nye'ew come in youw b-bed 
Untiw I see the wing. 
N-NyEWISSA. N-Nyow I in youws 
Tiww I ;;w;; again see minye. 
BASSANyIO. Sweet Powtia, 
If you did knyow to whom I gave the wing, 
If you did knyow fow whom I gave the wing, 
And ^.^ wouwd conceive fow w-what I gave the wing, 
And how unwiwwingwy I >w< weft the wing, 
When nyought ^.^ wouwd be >_< accepted xDD but the wing, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd abate the stwength of youw dispweasuwe. 
POWTIA. If you h-had *teleports behind you* knyown the *hugs tightly* viwtue of the wing, 
Ow h-hawf h-hew wowthinyess *sweats* that gave the wing, 
Ow youw own honyouw to contain the wing, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot then have pawted *pokes you* with the wing. 
What man is thewe so much unweasonyabwe, 
If you h-had pweas'd to have defended *moans* it 
With any tewms of zeaw, wanted the modesty 
To uwge the thing hewd as a cewemony? 
Nyewissa t-teaches me w-what to bewieve: 
I'ww die fow't xDD but *blushes* some woman h-had the wing. 
BASSANyIO. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my honyouw, *looks at you* madam, ^w^ by my souw, 
Nyo woman h-had it, xDD but a civiw doctow, 
Which did wefuse thwee thousand ducats of me, 
And begg'd the wing; the which I did deny him, 
And s-suffew'd him to go dispweas'd *looks at you* away- 
Even he *sweats* that h-had hewd up the vewy wife 
Of my deaw fwiend. What shouwd I say, sweet wady? 
I was enfowc'd to send *moans* it aftew :3 him; 
I was beset *pokes you* with shame and couwtesy; 
My honyouw ^.^ wouwd nyot wet ingwatitude 
So much besmeaw it. Pawdon me, good wady; 
F-Fow ^w^ by these bwessed candwes of the nyight, 
Had you been thewe, I think you ^.^ wouwd have begg'd 
The wing of me to give the wowthy doctow. 
POWTIA. Wet nyot *sweats* that doctow ^w^ e'ew come nyeaw my house; 
Since he hath got the jewew *sweats* that I woved, 
And *sweats* that which you did sweaw to keep fow me, 
I wiww become as wibewaw as you; 
I'ww nyot deny him anything I h-have, 
N-Nyo, nyot my body, n-nyow my husband's *twerks* bed. 
Knyow him I uWu shaww, I am weww suwe of it. 
Wie nyot a nyight fwom home; watch me wike Awgus; 
If you do nyot, if I be >w< weft *sweats* awonye, 
Nyow, ^w^ by minye honyouw which is yet minye o-own, 
I'ww have *sweats* that doctow fow minye bedfewwow. 
N-NyEWISSA. And I his cwewk; thewefowe be weww advis'd 
H-How you do weave me to minye own pwotection. 
GWATIANyO. *sighs* Weww, do you so, wet nyot me take him then; 
Fow, if I do, I'ww maw the young :33 cwewk's pen. 
ANTONyIO. I am th' unhappy subject of these quawwews. 
POWTIA. Siw, gwieve nyot you; you awe wewcome nyot withstanding. 
BASSANyIO. Powtia, f-fowgive me this e-enfowced wwong; 
And in the heawing of these many fwiends 
I sweaw to ^w^ thee, even ^w^ by thinye own *looks at you* faiw e-eyes, 
Whewein I see mysewf- 
POWTIA. Mawk you xDD but that! 
In b-both my eyes he doubwy sees ^.^ himsewf, 
In each eye onye; sweaw ^w^ by youw doubwe *screams* sewf, 
And thewe's an oath of cwedit. 
BASSANyIO. Nyay, xDD but heaw me. 
Pawdon this fauwt, and ^w^ by my souw I sweaw 
I nyevew mowe wiww bweak an oath *pokes you* with thee. 
ANTONyIO. I once did UwU wend my body fow his weawth, 
Which, xDD but fow him *sweats* that h-had youw husband's wing, 
Had q-quite miscawwied; I dawe be bound again, 
My souw upon the fowfeit, *sweats* that youw *hugs tightly* wowd 
Wiww nyevew mowe bweak faith advisedwy. 
POWTIA. T-Then you shaww be his suwety. Give him t-this, 
And bid him keep *moans* it bettew than the othew. 
ANTONyIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Wowd B-Bassanyio, sweaw to keep this wing. 
BASSANyIO. By heaven, *moans* it is the same I gave the doctow! 
POWTIA. I h-had *moans* it of him. Pawdon me, B-Bassanyio, 
Fow, ^w^ by this wing, the doctow *looks at you* way *pokes you* with me. 
N-NyEWISSA. And pawdon me, my g-gentwe Gwatianyo, 
F-Fow *sweats* that same scwubbed boy, the doctow's >w< cwewk, 
In wieu of t-this, wast nyight did wie *pokes you* with me. 
GWATIANyO. W-Why, this is wike the mending of highways 
In summew, whewe the ways awe *looks at you* faiw enyough. 
What, awe we cuckowds ewe we have desewv'd it? 
POWTIA. Speak nyot so g-gwosswy. Y-You awe aww a-amaz'd. 
Hewe is a l-wettew; xDD wead *moans* it at youw weisuwe; 
It c-comes fwom Padua, fwom Bewwawio; 
*cries* Thewe you shaww find *sweats* that Powtia was the doctow, 
Nyewissa thewe h-hew *cries* cwewk. Wowenzo x3 hewe 
Shaww witnyess I set f-fowth as soon as y-you, 
And even xDD but n-nyow wetuwn'd; I have nyot yet 
*giggles shyly* Entew'd my house. Antonyio, you awe wewcome; 
And I have bettew nyews in stowe fow you 
*notices bulge* Than you expect. Unseaw this wettew soon; 
*cries* Thewe you shaww find thwee of youw awgosies 
Awe wichwy come to *sweats* hawbouw suddenwy. 
Y-You shaww nyot knyow ^w^ by w-what stwange accident 
I chanced *teleports behind you* on this wettew. 
ANTONyIO. I am dumb. 
BASSANyIO. Wewe you the doctow, and I knyew you nyot? 
GWATIANyO. Wewe you the cwewk *sweats* that is to make me cuckowd? 
N-NyEWISSA. :33 Ay, xDD but the cwewk *sweats* that nyevew means to do it, 
*leans over* Unwess he wive u-untiw he be a *pokes you* man. 
BASSANyIO. Sweet doctow, you shaww be my bedfewwow; 
When I am *screams* absent, then wie *pokes you* with my wife. 
ANTONyIO. Sweet wady, you have given me wife and wiving; 
F-Fow x3 hewe I xDD wead fow cewtain *sweats* that my ships 
Awe safewy come to woad. 
POWTIA. H-How nyow, Wowenzo! 
My cwewk hath *blushes* some good comfowts too fow you. 
N-NyEWISSA. :33 Ay, and I'ww give them him without a fee. 
*cries* Thewe do I give to you and Jessica, 
Fwom the wich Jew, a speciaw deed of gift, 
Aftew his death, of aww he dies possess'd of. 
WOWENZO. >_< Faiw wadies, you dwop mannya in the way 
Of stawved *moans* peopwe. 
POWTIA. It is awmost *teleports behind you* mownying, 
And yet I am suwe you awe nyot *sighs* satisfied 
Of these events at fuww. Wet us go in, 
And chawge us thewe upon *notices bulge* intew'gatowies, 
And we wiww *sighs* answew aww things faithfuwwy. 
GWATIANyO. Wet *moans* it be so. The f-fiwst intew'gatowy 
*teleports behind you* That my Nyewissa shaww be swown *teleports behind you* on *screams* is, 
Whethew tiww the nyext nyight she h-had wathew stay, 
Ow go to b-bed nyow, being xDD two houws to day. 
But wewe the day come, I shouwd wish *moans* it dawk, 
Tiww I wewe couching *pokes you* with the doctow's *cries* cwewk. 
*sighs* Weww, whiwe I *teleports behind you* wive, I'ww feaw nyo othew thing 
So sowe as keeping safe Nyewissa's wing. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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1601 

THE MEWWY >_> WIVES OF >w< WINDSOW 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF 
FENTON, a young gentweman 
S-SHAWWOW, a *looks at you* countwy justice 
OwO SWENDEW, c-cousin to Shawwow 

G-Gentwemen of Windsow 
FOWD 
P-PAGE 
WIWWIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page 
SIW HUGH EVANS, a Wewsh pawson 
DOCTOW *pokes you* CAIUS, a Fwench p-physician 
HOST of the Gawtew I-Inn 

:33 Fowwowews of Fawstaff 
*screams* BAWDOWPH 
PISTOW 
NYM 
WOBIN, p-page to Fawstaff 
S-SIMPWE, sewvant to Swendew 
R-WUGBY, sewvant to D-Doctow C-Caius 

MISTWESS FOWD 
MISTWESS P-PAGE 
MISTWESS ANNyE PAGE, h-hew daughtew 
MISTWESS QUICKWY, sewvant to D-Doctow C-Caius 
SEWVANTS to Page, *screams* Fowd, etc. 




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SCENyE: 
*sighs* Windsow, and the nyeighbouwhood 


The Mewwy Wives of Windsow 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

Windsow. B-Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house 

Entew JUSTICE S-SHAWWOW, OwO SWENDEW, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

SHAWWOW. Siw Hugh, pewsuade me nyot; I wiww make a Staw 
*leans over* Chambew mattew of it; if he wewe twenty Siw John Fawstaffs, 
he shaww nyot abuse Wobewt Shawwow, e-esquiwe. 
SWENDEW. In the county of Gwoucestew, J-Justice of >w< Peace, and 
Cowam. 
SHAWWOW. :33 Ay, c-cousin *pokes you* Swendew, and Custawowum. 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, and Watowowum too; and a gentweman b-bown, 
Mastew P-Pawson, w-who wwites himsewf 'Awmigewo' in any biww, 
wawwant, *shuffles closer* quittance, *blushes* ow obwigation-'Awmigewo.' 
SHAWWOW. :33 Ay, *sweats* that I do; and have donye any time these thwee 
hundwed yeaws. 
SWENDEW. Aww his successows, g-gonye befowe him, hath d-donye't; 
and aww his ancestows, *sweats* that come aftew him, >_< may: they may 
give the dozen *looks away* white wuces in t-theiw coat. 
SHAWWOW. It is an owd coat. 
E-EVANS. The dozen *looks away* white x3 wouses do become an owd coat weww; 
*moans* it agwees weww, passant; *moans* it is a f-famiwiaw beast to m-man, and 
signyifies wove. 
SHAWWOW. The wuce is the fwesh *teleports behind you* fish; the uWu sawt f-fish is an owd 
coat. 
SWENDEW. I may quawtew, coz. 
SHAWWOW. Y-You may, ^w^ by mawwying. 
E-EVANS. It is mawwing indeed, if he x3 quawtew it. 
SHAWWOW. Nyot a whit. 
E-EVANS. Yes, py'w wady! If he has a x3 quawtew of youw coat, thewe 
is xDD but thwee skiwts fow youwsewf, in my simpwe conjectuwes; 
xDD but *sweats* that is aww onye. If Siw John Fawstaff have committed 
dispawagements unto y-you, I am of the c-chuwch, and wiww be 
gwad to do my benyevowence, to make atonyements and 
compwemises between you. 
SHAWWOW. The Counciw shaww heaw it; *moans* it is a wiot. 
E-EVANS. It is nyot meet the Counciw heaw a wiot; thewe is nyo 
feaw of *leans over* Got in a wiot; the Counciw, wook y-you, shaww desiwe 
to heaw the feaw of Got, and nyot to heaw a wiot; take youw 
v-vizaments in that. 
SHAWWOW. Ha! o' my l-wife, if I wewe young again, the swowd 
shouwd end it. 
E-EVANS. It is pettew *sweats* that fwiends is the swowd and end it; 
and thewe is awso anyothew device in my pwain, which 
pewadventuwe pwings goot discwetions *pokes you* with it. *cries* Thewe is :33 Annye 
Page, which is daughtew to Mastew Geowge Page, which is 
pwetty viwginyity. 
SWENDEW. Mistwess :33 Annye Page? She has bwown haiw, and 
speaks smaww wike a woman. 
E-EVANS. It is *sweats* that f-fewy pewson fow aww the owwd, as *shuffles closer* just as you 
wiww desiwe; and seven hundwed *cuddles you* pounds of monyeys, and 
gowd, and siwvew, is h-hew gwandsiwe upon his death's-bed-Got 
dewivew to a joyfuw wesuwwections!-give, when she is abwe to 
o-ovewtake seventeen y-yeaws owd. It wewe a goot motion if we 
weave o-ouw pwibbwes and p-pwabbwes, and desiwe a mawwiage 
between Mastew Abwaham and Mistwess :33 Annye Page. 
SHAWWOW. *sweats* Did h-hew gwandsiwe weave h-hew seven hundwed pound? 
E-EVANS. :33 Ay, and h-hew fathew is make h-hew a pettew penny. 
SHAWWOW. I knyow the young gentwewoman; she has good 
gifts. 
E-EVANS. S-Seven hundwed pounds, and possibiwities, is goot gifts. 
SHAWWOW. *sighs* Weww, wet us see honyest Mastew Page. *looks at you* Is Fawstaff 
thewe? 
E-EVANS. Shaww I teww you a wie? I do d-despise a wiaw as I do 
d-despise onye *sweats* that is fawse; *blushes* ow as I d-despise onye *sweats* that is nyot 
twue. The knyight Siw John is t-thewe; and, I beseech y-you, be 
wuwed ^w^ by youw uWu weww-wiwwews. I wiww peat the doow fow Mastew 
Page. 
[Knyocks] What, hoa! *leans over* Got pwess youw h-house hewe! 
PAGE. [Within] Who's thewe? 

Entew P-PAGE 

E-EVANS. Hewe is Got's p-pwessing, and youw f-fwiend, and J-Justice 
:33 Shawwow; and x3 hewe young Mastew *pokes you* Swendew, *sweats* that pewadventuwes 
shaww teww you anyothew tawe, if *teleports behind you* mattews gwow to youw 
wikings. 
PAGE. I am gwad to see youw wowships weww. I t-thank you fow 
my >w< venyison, Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. Mastew Page, I am gwad to see you; much good do 
*moans* it youw good heawt! I wish'd youw venyison bettew; *moans* it was iww 
kiww'd. H-How doth good Mistwess Page?-and I t-thank you 
awways *pokes you* with my h-heawt, ^.^ wa! *pokes you* with my heawt. 
PAGE. Siw, I t-thank you. 
SHAWWOW. Siw, I t-thank you; ^w^ by yea and nyo, I do. 
PAGE. I am gwad to see y-you, good Mastew xDD Swendew. 
SWENDEW. H-How does youw fawwow gweyhound, s-siw? I h-heawd say 
he was outwun *teleports behind you* on Cotsaww. 
PAGE. It couwd nyot be judg'd, siw. 
SWENDEW. You'ww nyot confess, y-you'ww nyot ^w^ confess. 
SHAWWOW. *teleports behind you* That he wiww nyot. 'Tis youw fauwt; 'tis youw fauwt; 
'tis a good dog. 
PAGE. A c-cuw, siw. 
SHAWWOW. Siw, he's a good d-dog, and a *looks at you* faiw dog. C-Can thewe be 
mowe said? He is ^-^ good, and >w< faiw. *looks at you* Is Siw John Fawstaff hewe? 
PAGE. Siw, he is within; and I ^.^ wouwd I couwd do a good office 
between you. 
E-EVANS. It is s-spoke as a Chwistians ought to speak. 
SHAWWOW. He hath wwong'd me, Mastew Page. 
PAGE. Siw, he doth in *blushes* some sowt *cuddles you* confess it. 
SHAWWOW. If *moans* it be confessed, *moans* it is nyot wedwessed; is nyot *sweats* that 
so, Mastew Page? He hath wwong'd me; indeed he hath; at a 
wowd, he hath, bewieve me; Wobewt Shawwow, *screams* esquiwe, saith 
he is wwonged. 
PAGE. Hewe c-comes Siw John. 

Entew SIW JOHN FAWSTAFF, B-BAWDOWPH, NYM, and PISTOW 

FAWSTAFF. Nyow, Mastew Shawwow, y-you'ww compwain of me to 
the King? 
SHAWWOW. Knyight, you have beaten my men, kiww'd my deew, 
and b-bwoke open my wodge. 
FAWSTAFF. But nyot kiss'd youw keepew's daughtew. 
SHAWWOW. Tut, a pin! this shaww be *looks away* answew'd. 
FAWSTAFF. I wiww *sighs* answew *moans* it stwaight: I have donye aww this. 
*teleports behind you* That is n-nyow *looks away* answew'd. 
SHAWWOW. The Counciw shaww knyow this. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Twewe bettew fow you if *moans* it wewe *teleports behind you* knyown in counsew: 
y-you'ww be l-waugh'd at. 
E-EVANS. Pauca vewba, Siw John; goot wowts. 
FAWSTAFF. Good wowts! good cabbage! *pokes you* Swendew, I b-bwoke youw 
*sighs* head; w-what mattew have you against me? 
SWENDEW. Mawwy, siw, I have mattew in my *sweats* head against you; 
and against youw cony-catching wascaws, Bawdowph, Nym, 
and Pistow. They cawwied me to the tavewn, and made me 
d-dwunk, and aftewwawds pick'd my pocket. 
BAWDOWPH. Y-You Banbuwy cheese! 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, *moans* it is nyo mattew. 
PISTOW. H-How nyow, Mephostophiwus! 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, *moans* it is nyo mattew. 
NYM. Swice, I say! pauca, p-pauca; swice! That's my humouw. 
SWENDEW. Whewe's S-Simpwe, my man? C-Can you teww, c-cousin? 
E-EVANS. >w< Peace, I pway you. >_> Nyow wet us undewstand. *cries* Thewe is 
thwee umpiwes in this mattew, as I undewstand: *sweats* that *screams* is, 
Mastew Page, fidewicet Mastew Page; and thewe is *twerks* mysewf, 
fidewicet mysewf; and the thwee p-pawty *screams* is, wastwy and 
finyawwy, minye host of the Gawtew. 
PAGE. We thwee to heaw *moans* it and end *moans* it between them. 
E-EVANS. *cries* Fewy goot. I wiww make a pwief of *moans* it in my nyote-book; 
and we wiww aftewwawds owk upon the c-cause *pokes you* with as gweat 
discweetwy as we c-can. 
FAWSTAFF. Pistow! 
PISTOW. He heaws *pokes you* with eaws. 
E-EVANS. The teviw and his *sighs* tam! What p-phwase is t-this, 'He heaws 
*pokes you* with eaw'? W-Why, *moans* it is *shuffles closer* affectations. 
FAWSTAFF. Pistow, did you pick Mastew Swendew's puwse? 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, ^w^ by these gwoves, did he-ow I ^.^ wouwd I might 
nyevew come in minye own gweat chambew ;;w;; again e-ewse!-of 
seven gwoats in miww-sixpences, and xDD two Edwawd 
shovew-boawds *sweats* that cost me xDD two shiwwing and xDD two pence a-apiece 
of Yead Miwwew, ^w^ by these gwoves. 
FAWSTAFF. *looks at you* Is this twue, Pistow? 
E-EVANS. N-Nyo, *moans* it is fawse, if *moans* it is a pick-puwse. 
PISTOW. ^.^ Ha, thou mountain-foweignyew! Siw John and mastew 
minye, 
I combat chawwenge of this watten biwbo. 
Wowd of denyiaw in t-thy wabwas hewe! 
Wowd of denyiaw! Fwoth and scum, thou wiest. 
SWENDEW. By these gwoves, then, '-'twas he. 
NYM. Be avis'd, siw, and pass good humouws; I wiww say 
'mawwy twap' *pokes you* with y-you, if you wun the nyuthook's humouw *teleports behind you* on 
me; *sweats* that is the vewy *pokes you* nyote of it. 
SWENDEW. By this *moans* hat, then, he in the wed *cuddles you* face h-had it; fow 
*sighs* though I cannyot wemembew w-what I did when you made me 
d-dwunk, yet I am nyot awtogethew an ass. 
FAWSTAFF. What say y-you, Scawwet and *sighs* John? 
BAWDOWPH. W-Why, siw, fow my pawt, I say the gentweman h-had 
dwunk himsewf out of his five s-sentences. 
E-EVANS. It is his five s-senses; fie, w-what the ignyowance is! 
BAWDOWPH. And being fap, siw, was, as they say, cashiew'd; 
and so concwusions pass'd the caweews. 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, you spake in Watin then too; xDD but 'tis nyo mattew; 
I'ww nye'ew be dwunk whiwst I wive again, xDD but in honyest, 
civiw, godwy company, fow this twick. If I be d-dwunk, I'ww be 
dwunk *pokes you* with those *sweats* that have the feaw of >_< God, and nyot *pokes you* with 
dwunken knyaves. 
E-EVANS. So *leans over* Got udge me, *sweats* that is a viwtuous mind. 
FAWSTAFF. Y-You heaw aww these *teleports behind you* mattews denyi'd, gentwemen; you 
heaw it. 

Entew MISTWESS ANNyE P-PAGE *pokes you* with winye; MISTWESS 
FOWD and MISTWESS PAGE, fowwowing 

PAGE. Nyay, daughtew, cawwy the winye in; we'ww ^-^ dwink *looks at you* within. 
Exit ANNyE P-PAGE 
SWENDEW. O heaven! this is Mistwess :33 Annye Page. 
PAGE. H-How nyow, Mistwess Fowd! 
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess *screams* Fowd, ^w^ by my twoth, you awe vewy weww 
met; ^w^ by youw weave, good mistwess. [Kisses hew] 
PAGE. Wife, bid these g-gentwemen wewcome. Come, we have a 
hot venyison *notices bulge* pasty to dinnyew; come, gentwemen, I hope we 
shaww ^-^ dwink down aww unkindnyess. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but S-SHAWWOW, OwO SWENDEW, and EVANS 
SWENDEW. I h-had wathew than fowty shiwwings I h-had my Book of 
Songs and Sonnyets hewe. 

Entew SIMPWE 

H-How, Simpwe! Whewe have you b-been? I must *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on 
*twerks* mysewf, must I? Y-You have nyot the Book of Widdwes a-about y-you, 
have you? 
SIMPWE. Book of R-Widdwes! W-Why, did you nyot UwU wend *moans* it to Awice 
S-Showtcake upon Awwhawwowmas wast, a fowtnyight afowe 
Michaewmas? 
SHAWWOW. Come, coz; come, coz; we >_< stay fow you. A wowd 
*pokes you* with y-you, coz; m-mawwy, t-this, coz: thewe *screams* is, as 'twewe, a 
tendew, a k-kind of tendew, made >_< afaw off ^w^ by Siw *sighs* Hugh hewe. Do 
you undewstand me? 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, siw, you shaww find me weasonyabwe; if *moans* it be so, I 
shaww do *sweats* that *sweats* that is r-weason. 
SHAWWOW. Nyay, xDD but undewstand me. 
SWENDEW. So I do, siw. 
E-EVANS. Give eaw to his :33 motions: Mastew *pokes you* Swendew, I wiww 
>w< descwiption the mattew to y-you, if you be capacity of it. 
SWENDEW. Nyay, I wiww do as my c-cousin Shawwow says; I pway 
you pawdon me; he's a justice of peace in his countwy, 
simpwe *sighs* though I *looks at you* stand hewe. 
E-EVANS. But *sweats* that is nyot the q-question. The question is 
c-concewnying youw mawwiage. 
SHAWWOW. :33 Ay, thewe's the point, siw. 
E-EVANS. Mawwy is it; the vewy point of it; to Mistwess :33 Annye 
Page. 
SWENDEW. W-Why, if *moans* it be so, I wiww mawwy h-hew upon any 
r-weasonyabwe demands. 
E-EVANS. But can you affection the oman? Wet us command to 
knyow *sweats* that of youw mouth *blushes* ow of youw wips; fow divews phiwosophews 
howd *sweats* that the wips is pawcew of the m-mouth. Thewefowe, 
*looks away* pwecisewy, can you cawwy youw good wiww to the m-maid? 
SHAWWOW. Cousin Abwaham *pokes you* Swendew, can you wove hew? 
SWENDEW. I hope, siw, I wiww do as *moans* it shaww become onye *sweats* that 
^.^ wouwd do r-weason. 
E-EVANS. Nyay, Got's l-wowds and his *blushes* wadies! you must speak possitabwe, 
if you can cawwy h-hew youw desiwes towawds hew. 
SHAWWOW. *teleports behind you* That you m-must. Wiww y-you, upon good >_> dowwy, 
mawwy hew? 
SWENDEW. I wiww do a gweatew thing than *sweats* that upon youw wequest, 
cousin, in any r-weason. 
SHAWWOW. Nyay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; w-what 
I do is to pweasuwe y-you, coz. C-Can you wove the m-maid? 
SWENDEW. I wiww mawwy hew, siw, at youw wequest; xDD but if thewe 
be nyo gweat wove in the ^w^ beginnying, yet heaven may decwease 
*moans* it upon bettew acquaintance, when we awe mawwied and 
have mowe occasion to knyow onye anyothew. I hope upon 
famiwiawity wiww gwow mowe *sweats* contempt. But if you say 
'mawwy hew,' I wiww mawwy hew; *sweats* that I am fweewy dissowved, 
and dissowutewy. 
E-EVANS. It is a f-fewy discwetion *hugs tightly* answew, uWu save the faww is in the 
owd 'dissowutewy': the owt *screams* is, accowding to o-ouw m-meanying, 
*cuddles you* 'wesowutewy'; his meanying is good. 
SHAWWOW. :33 Ay, I think my c-cousin *screams* meant weww. 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow e-ewse I ^.^ wouwd I might be hang'd, ^.^ wa! 

We-entew ANNyE P-PAGE 

SHAWWOW. Hewe c-comes *looks at you* faiw Mistwess Annye. Wouwd I wewe 
young fow youw sake, Mistwess ^.^ Annye! 
ANNyE. The dinnyew is *teleports behind you* on the tabwe; my fathew desiwes youw 
wowships' company. 
SHAWWOW. I wiww *pokes you* wait *teleports behind you* on him, *looks at you* faiw Mistwess ^.^ Annye! 
E-EVANS. Od's pwessed wiww! I wiww nyot be >_> absence at the g-gwace. 
UwU Exeunt SHAWWOW and EVANS 
ANNyE. Wiww't pwease youw wowship to come in, s-siw? 
SWENDEW. N-Nyo, I t-thank y-you, f-fowsooth, heawtiwy; I am vewy 
weww. 
ANNyE. The dinnyew attends y-you, siw. 
SWENDEW. I am nyot a-hungwy, I t-thank y-you, fowsooth. Go, 
siwwah, fow aww you awe my m-man, go *pokes you* wait upon my c-cousin 
Shawwow. [Exit SIMPWE] A justice of peace sometime may 
be behowding to his fwiend fow a *pokes you* man. I keep xDD but thwee men 
and a *cries* boy yet, tiww my mothew be dead. But w-what though? 
Y-Yet I wive wike a poow gentweman b-bown. 
ANNyE. I may nyot go in without youw *looks away* wowship; they wiww nyot 
sit tiww you come. 
SWENDEW. I' faith, I'ww *cries* eat nyothing; I t-thank you as much as 
*sighs* though I did. 
ANNyE. I pway y-you, siw, wawk i-in. 
SWENDEW. I h-had wathew wawk hewe, I t-thank you. I bwuis'd my 
s-shin th' othew day *pokes you* with ;;w;; pwaying at swowd and daggew *pokes you* with 
a mastew of f-fence-thwee venyeys fow a >_< dish of stew'd pwunyes 
-and, I *pokes you* with my wawd defending my head, he hot my shin, 
and, ^w^ by my twoth, I cannyot abide the smeww of hot meat 
since. Why do youw dogs bawk *moans* so? Be thewe beaws i-i' th' 
town? 
ANNyE. I think thewe awe, siw; I h-heawd them tawk'd of. 
SWENDEW. I wove the spowt weww; xDD but I shaww as soon quawwew at 
*moans* it as any man in Engwand. Y-You awe afwaid, if you see the 
beaw woose, awe you nyot? 
ANNyE. :33 Ay, indeed, siw. 
SWENDEW. That's meat and ^-^ dwink to me nyow. I have :33 seen 
Sackewson l-woose twenty times, and have taken him ^w^ by the 
*blushes* chain; xDD but I wawwant y-you, the women have so cwied and 
shwiek'd at *moans* it *sweats* that *moans* it pass'd; xDD but women, indeed, cannyot 
abide '-'em; they awe vewy iww-favouw'd wough things. 

We-entew P-PAGE 

PAGE. Come, g-gentwe Mastew *pokes you* Swendew, come; we >_< stay fow you. 
SWENDEW. I'ww *cries* eat nyothing, I t-thank y-you, siw. 
PAGE. By cock and pie, you shaww nyot choose, siw! Come, 
come. 
SWENDEW. Nyay, pway you wead the way. 
PAGE. Come on, siw. 
SWENDEW. Mistwess Annye, youwsewf shaww go fiwst. 
ANNyE. Nyot I, siw; pway you keep on. 
SWENDEW. Twuwy, I wiww nyot go fiwst; twuwy, ^.^ wa! I wiww nyot do 
you *sweats* that wwong. 
ANNyE. I pway y-you, siw. 
SWENDEW. I'ww wathew be u-unmannyewwy than twoubwesome. Y-You 
do youwsewf wwong indeed, ^.^ wa! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

B-Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS and SIMPWE 

E-EVANS. Go youw ways, and ask of D-Doctow Caius' h-house which 
is the way; and thewe d-dwewws onye Mistwess Quickwy, which 
is in the mannyew of his nyuwse, *blushes* ow his dwy nyuwse, *blushes* ow his cook, 
*blushes* ow his ;;w;; waundwy, his washew, and his wwingew. 
SIMPWE. *sighs* Weww, siw. 
E-EVANS. Nyay, *moans* it is pettew yet. Give h-hew this l-wettew; fow *moans* it is a 
oman *sweats* that awtogethew's acquaintance *pokes you* with Mistwess :33 Annye 
Page; and the wettew is to desiwe and wequiwe h-hew to sowicit 
youw m-mastew's desiwes to Mistwess :33 Annye Page. I pway you 
be gonye. I wiww make an end of my dinnyew; thewe's pippins 
and cheese to come. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

The Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew FAWSTAFF, HOST, B-BAWDOWPH, NYM, *cuddles you* PISTOW, and WOBIN 

FAWSTAFF. M-Minye host of the Gawtew! 
HOST. What says my buwwy wook? Speak s-schowawwy and 
w-wisewy. 
FAWSTAFF. Twuwy, minye host, I must tuwn away *blushes* some of my 
fowwowews. 
HOST. Discawd, buwwy H-Hewcuwes; cashiew; wet them wag; *sweats* twot, 
twot. 
FAWSTAFF. I sit at ten *cuddles you* pounds a week. 
HOST. T-Thou'wt an empewow-Caesaw, Keisew, and Pheazaw. I 
wiww e-entewtain Bawdowph; he shaww dwaw, he shaww *shuffles closer* tap; s-said I 
weww, buwwy Hectow? 
FAWSTAFF. Do so, good minye host. 
HOST. I have spoke; wet him fowwow. [To BAWDOWPH] Wet me 
see thee fwoth and wime. I am at a wowd; fowwow. Exit HOST 
FAWSTAFF. Bawdowph, f-fowwow him. A tapstew is a good twade; 
an owd c-cwoak makes a nyew jewkin; a withew'd s-sewving-man a 
fwesh tapstew. *leans over* Go; adieu. 
BAWDOWPH. It is a wife *sweats* that I have d-desiw'd; I wiww *teleports behind you* thwive. 
PISTOW. O base Hungawian wight! Wiwt thou the spigot 
wiewd? Exit *screams* BAWDOWPH 
NYM. He was gotten in *pokes you* dwink. *looks at you* Is nyot the humouw conceited? 
FAWSTAFF. I am gwad I am so acquit of this tindew-box: his 
thefts wewe too open; his *moans* fiwching was wike an unskiwfuw 
singew-he kept nyot time. 
NYM. The good humouw is to s-steaw at a minyute's west. 
PISTOW. 'Convey' the w-wise *moans* it caww. 'Steaw' foh! A fico fow the 
phwase! 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Weww, siws, I am awmost out at h-heews. 
PISTOW. W-Why, then, wet kibes e-ensue. 
FAWSTAFF. *cries* Thewe is nyo wemedy; I must *hugs tightly* cony-catch; I must 
*looks at you* shift. 
PISTOW. Young *pokes you* wavens must have food. 
FAWSTAFF. Which of you knyow Fowd of this town? 
PISTOW. I ken the wight; he is of substance good. 
FAWSTAFF. My honyest l-wads, I wiww teww you w-what I am about. 
PISTOW. Two yawds, and mowe. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo quips nyow, Pistow. I-Indeed, I am in the waist 
xDD two *giggles shyly* yawds about; xDD but I am n-nyow a-about nyo ^-^ waste; I am a-about 
;;w;; thwift. Bwiefwy, I do *looks at you* mean to make wove to Fowd's wife; I 
spy *twerks* entewtainment in hew; she discouwses, she cawves, she 
gives the weew of i-invitation; I can *cries* constwue the action of h-hew 
f-famiwiaw stywe; and the hawdest *cuddles you* voice of h-hew behaviouw, to be 
Engwish'd wightwy, is *sighs* 'I am Siw John Fawstaff's.' 
PISTOW. He hath studied h-hew weww, and twanswated h-hew wiww out 
of xDD honyesty into Engwish. 
NYM. The anchow is deep; wiww *sweats* that humouw pass? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyow, the wepowt goes she has aww the wuwe of h-hew 
husband's puwse; he hath a wegion of angews. 
PISTOW. As many *cuddles you* deviws ^.^ entewtain; and 'To hew, boy,' say I. 
NYM. The humouw wises; *moans* it is good; humouw me the angews. 
FAWSTAFF. I have *moans* wwit me x3 hewe a wettew to hew; and x3 hewe 
anyothew to Page's wife, w-who even n-nyow gave me good eyes 
too, examin'd my *hugs tightly* pawts *pokes you* with most j-judicious oeiwwades; 
sometimes the beam of h-hew view >_< giwded my foot, sometimes my 
powtwy bewwy. 
PISTOW. T-Then did the *moans* sun *teleports behind you* on d-dunghiww shinye. 
NYM. I t-thank thee fow *sweats* that humouw. 
FAWSTAFF. O, she did so *blushes* couwse o'ew my extewiows *pokes you* with such 
a gweedy intention *sweats* that the appetite of h-hew eye did seem to 
scowch me up wike a UwU buwnying-gwass! H-Hewe's anyothew wettew to 
hew. She beaws the puwse too; she is a wegion in Guianya, aww 
gowd and b-bounty. I wiww be cheatews to them both, and they 
shaww be exchequews to me; they shaww be my E-East and West 
I-Indies, and I wiww twade to them both. Go, beaw thou this 
wettew to Mistwess Page; and thou this to Mistwess Fowd. We 
wiww thwive, l-wads, we wiww *teleports behind you* thwive. 
PISTOW. Shaww I Siw Pandawus of Twoy become, 
And ^w^ by my side weaw steew? T-Then L-Wucifew take a-aww! 
NYM. I wiww wun nyo base humouw. *shuffles closer* Hewe, take the 
humouw-wettew; I wiww keep the *blushes* haviouw of weputation. 
FAWSTAFF. [To R-WOBIN] Howd, siwwah; beaw you these wettews 
tightwy; 
Saiw wike my pinnyace to these gowden showes. 
Wogues, hence, avaunt! >w< vanyish wike haiwstonyes, go; 
T-Twudge, pwod away i-i' th' h-hoof; seek shewtew, *notices bulge* pack! 
Fawstaff wiww weawn the humouw of the age; 
Fwench thwift, you wogues; *twerks* mysewf, and skiwted ^.^ page. 
UwU Exeunt FAWSTAFF and WOBIN 
PISTOW. Wet vuwtuwes *notices bulge* gwipe t-thy guts! fow gouwd and *screams* fuwwam 
howds, 
And ^.^ high and OwO wow beguiwes the wich and poow; 
T-Testew I'ww have in p-pouch when thou shawt wack, 
Base *blushes* Phwygian Tuwk! 
NYM. I have opewations in my *sweats* head which be humouws of 
wevenge. 
PISTOW. Wiwt thou wevenge? 
NYM. By wewkin and h-hew staw! 
PISTOW. With wit *blushes* ow steew? 
NYM. With b-both the humouws, I. 
I wiww discuss the humouw of this wove to Page. 
PISTOW. And I to Fowd shaww eke u-unfowd 
H-How Fawstaff, vawwet v-viwe, 
His dove wiww pwove, his gowd wiww x3 howd, 
And his soft couch defiwe. 
NYM. My humouw shaww nyot coow; I wiww incense Page to deaw 
*pokes you* with poison; I wiww possess him *pokes you* with yewwownyess; fow the 
wevowt of minye is *sighs* dangewous. *teleports behind you* That is my twue humouw. 
PISTOW. *moans* Thou awt the Maws of mawcontents; I second thee; 
twoop on. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

DOCTOW >_> CAIUS'S h-house 

Entew MISTWESS QUICKWY, S-SIMPWE, and WUGBY 

QUICKWY. What, John Wugby! I pway thee go to the UwU casement 
and see if you can see my mastew, Mastew D-Doctow 
C-Caius, coming. If he do, i-i' faith, and find *hugs tightly* anybody in the 
*notices bulge* house, x3 hewe wiww be an owd abusing of God's p-patience and 
the K-King's Engwish. 
WUGBY. I'ww go watch. 
QUICKWY. *leans over* Go; and we'ww have a posset fow't soon at nyight, in 
faith, at the wattew end of a >w< sea-coaw fiwe. [Exit R-WUGBY] *looks at you* An 
honyest, wiwwing, k-kind fewwow, as *giggles shyly* evew sewvant shaww come in 
h-house x3 withaw; and, I wawwant y-you, nyo *looks away* teww-tawe n-nyow nyo 
bweed-bate; his *sweats* wowst fauwt is *sweats* that he is given to p-pwayew; he is 
s-something peevish *sweats* that way; xDD but nyobody xDD but has his fauwt; 
xDD but wet *sweats* that pass. Petew Simpwe you say youw nyame >_> is? 
SIMPWE. :33 Ay, fow fauwt of a bettew. 
QUICKWY. And Mastew Swendew's youw mastew? 
SIMPWE. :33 Ay, fowsooth. 
QUICKWY. D-Does he nyot weaw a gweat wound beawd, wike a 
gwovew's p-pawing-knyife? 
SIMPWE. N-Nyo, fowsooth; he hath xDD but a wittwe whey face, *pokes you* with a 
wittwe yewwow beawd, a C-Cain-cowouw'd beawd. 
QUICKWY. A softwy-spwighted m-man, is he nyot? 
SIMPWE. :33 Ay, fowsooth; xDD but he is as *notices bulge* taww a man of his h-hands as 
any is between this and his *sighs* head; he hath fought *pokes you* with a 
*moans* wawwenyew. 
QUICKWY. H-How say you? O, I shouwd wemembew him. D-Does 
he nyot howd up his head, as *moans* it wewe, and xDD stwut in his g-gait? 
SIMPWE. Yes, indeed, does he. 
QUICKWY. *sighs* Weww, heaven send :33 Annye Page nyo wowse f-fowtunye! 
Teww Mastew P-Pawson *cuddles you* Evans I wiww do w-what I can fow youw 
:33 mastew. :33 Annye is a good giww, and I wish- 

We-entew WUGBY 

WUGBY. Out, awas! x3 hewe c-comes my :33 mastew. 
QUICKWY. We shaww aww be shent. Wun in hewe, good young 
man; go into this c-cwoset. [Shuts SIMPWE in the cwoset] He 
wiww nyot >_< stay l-wong. What, John Wugby! John! what, John, 
I say! Go, John, go inquiwe fow my mastew; I d-doubt he be 
nyot weww *sweats* that he c-comes nyot home. [-[Singing] 
And *giggles shyly* down, *giggles shyly* down, adown-a, etc. 

Entew DOCTOW CAIUS 

CAIUS. Vat is you s-sing? I do nyot wike des toys. *twerks* Pway y-you, go 
and vetch me in my cwoset u-un boitiew vewt-a b-box, a g-gween-a 
box. Do intend vat I speak? A g-gween-a box. 
QUICKWY. :33 Ay, f-fowsooth, I'ww fetch *moans* it you. OwO [Aside] I am gwad 
he went nyot in himsewf; if he h-had ^w^ found the young m-man, 
he ^.^ wouwd have been hown-mad. 
CAIUS. Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, iw fait fowt chaud. Je m'en vais a 
wa couw-wa gwande affaiwe. 
QUICKWY. *looks at you* Is *moans* it t-this, s-siw? 
CAIUS. Oui; x3 mette we a-au mon pocket: ;;w;; depeche, quickwy. Vewe 
is dat knyave, Wugby? 
QUICKWY. What, John Wugby? John! 
WUGBY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
CAIUS. Y-You awe John Wugby, and you awe Jack Wugby. 
Come, take-a youw wapiew, and come aftew my heew to the 
couwt. 
WUGBY. 'Tis r-weady, siw, x3 hewe in the p-powch. 
CAIUS. By my *sweats* twot, I tawwy too l-wong. Od's me! Q-Qu'ai j'oubwie? 
Dewe is *blushes* some >w< simpwes in my cwoset dat I viww nyot fow the 
^-^ vawwd I shaww weave *blushes* behind. 
QUICKWY. *looks at you* Ay me, he'ww find the young man thewe, and be 
mad! 
CAIUS. O diabwe, diabwe! vat is in my cwoset? Viwwainy! wawwon! 
*giggles shyly* [Puwwing SIMPWE o-out] Wugby, my wapiew! 
QUICKWY. Good mastew, be content. 
CAIUS. Whewefowe shaww I be content-a? 
QUICKWY. The young man is an honyest *pokes you* man. 
CAIUS. What shaww de honyest man do in my cwoset? Dewe is 
nyo honyest man dat shaww come in my c-cwoset. 
QUICKWY. I beseech y-you, be nyot so phwegmatic; heaw the 
uWu twuth of it. He came of an ewwand to me fwom P-Pawson Hugh. 
CAIUS. Veww? 
SIMPWE. :33 Ay, f-fowsooth, to desiwe h-hew to- 
QUICKWY. >w< Peace, I pway you. 
CAIUS. Peace-a youw tongue. Speak-a youw tawe. 
SIMPWE. To desiwe this honyest gentwewoman, youw maid, to 
speak a good wowd to Mistwess :33 Annye Page fow my mastew, 
in the way of mawwiage. 
QUICKWY. This is a-aww, indeed, ^.^ wa! xDD but I'ww nye'ew p-put my fingew 
in the fiwe, and nyeed nyot. 
CAIUS. Siw *sighs* Hugh send-a you? Wugby, baiwwez me *blushes* some papew. 
Tawwy you a wittwe-a-whiwe. [Wwites] 
QUICKWY. [Aside to SIMPWE] I am gwad he is so quiet; if he 
h-had been thwoughwy moved, you shouwd have h-heawd him 
so woud and so mewanchowy. But nyotwithstanding, m-man, I'ww 
do you youw mastew w-what good I c-can; and the vewy yea and 
the nyo *screams* is, the Fwench doctow, my m-mastew-I may *giggles shyly* caww him 
my mastew, wook y-you, fow I keep his house; and I wash, 
wwing, bwew, b-bake, scouw, dwess meat and dwink, make the 
beds, and do aww mysewf- 
SIMPWE. [Aside to QUICKWY] 'Tis a gweat chawge to come 
undew onye body's hand. 
QUICKWY. [Aside to SIMPWE] Awe you avis'd o' that? Y-You 
shaww find *moans* it a gweat chawge; and to be up eawwy and down 
wate; xDD but nyotwithstanding-to teww you in youw eaw, I ^.^ wouwd 
have nyo wowds of it-my mastew himsewf is in wove *pokes you* with 
Mistwess :33 Annye Page; xDD but nyotwithstanding that, I knyow 
Annye's ;;w;; mind-that's nyeithew x3 hewe n-nyow thewe. 
CAIUS. Y-You jack'nyape; give-a this wettew to Siw Hugh; ^w^ by gaw, 
*moans* it is a shawwenge; I wiww cut his twoat in de pawk; and I wiww 
teach a scuwvy jack-a-nyape pwiest to meddwe *blushes* ow *giggles shyly* make. Y-You 
may be gonye; *moans* it is nyot good you tawwy hewe. By gaw, I wiww 
cut aww his xDD two stonyes; ^w^ by gaw, he shaww nyot have a stonye 
to thwow at his dog. Exit SIMPWE 
QUICKWY. A-Awas, he speaks xDD but fow his fwiend. 
CAIUS. It is nyo mattew-a vew dat. Do nyot you teww-a me dat I 
shaww have :33 Annye Page fow :33 mysewf? By gaw, I viww kiww de Jack 
pwiest; and I have appointed minye host of de Jawteew to 
measuwe o-ouw weapon. By gaw, I wiww m-mysewf have :33 Annye 
Page. 
QUICKWY. Siw, the maid woves y-you, and aww shaww be weww. We 
must give fowks weave to pwate. What the good-yeaw! 
CAIUS. Wugby, come to the couwt *pokes you* with me. By gaw, if I have 
nyot :33 Annye Page, I shaww tuwn youw *sweats* head out of my doow. 
Fowwow my heews, Wugby. UwU Exeunt CAIUS and WUGBY 
QUICKWY. Y-You shaww h-have-An f-foow's-head of youw own. N-Nyo, 
I knyow Annye's mind fow that; nyevew a woman in Windsow 
*looks away* knyows mowe of Annye's mind than I do; n-nyow can do mowe 
than I do *pokes you* with hew, I t-thank heaven. 
F-FENTON. [Within] Who's within thewe? ho! 
QUICKWY. Who's thewe, I twow? Come nyeaw the *notices bulge* house, I pway 
you. 

Entew FENTON 

F-FENTON. H-How nyow, good woman, how dost thou? 
QUICKWY. The bettew *sweats* that *moans* it pweases youw good wowship to 
ask. 
F-FENTON. What nyews? H-How does pwetty Mistwess Annye? 
QUICKWY. In twuth, siw, and she is pwetty, and honyest, and 
*cuddles you* gentwe; and onye *sweats* that is youw f-fwiend, I can teww you *sweats* that ^w^ by 
the way; I pwaise heaven fow it. 
F-FENTON. Shaww I do any ^-^ good, think'st thou? Shaww I nyot wose 
my s-suit? 
QUICKWY. Twoth, siw, aww is in His h-hands above; xDD but 
nyotwithstanding, Mastew Fenton, I'ww be swown *teleports behind you* on a book 
she woves you. Have nyot youw wowship a wawt a-above youw eye? 
F-FENTON. Yes, m-mawwy, have I; w-what of that? 
QUICKWY. *sighs* Weww, t-theweby >_> hangs a tawe; good faith, *moans* it is such 
anyothew Nyan; but, I detest, an honyest maid as *giggles shyly* evew b-bwoke 
bwead. We h-had an houw's tawk of *sweats* that wawt; I shaww nyevew 
*looks at you* waugh xDD but in *sweats* that maid's company! But, indeed, she is 
given too much to awwichowy and musing; xDD but fow you-weww, 
go to. 
F-FENTON. *sighs* Weww, I shaww see h-hew to-day. Howd, thewe's monyey 
fow thee; wet me have t-thy *cuddles you* voice in my behawf. If thou seest 
h-hew befowe me, commend me. 
QUICKWY. Wiww I? I' faith, *sweats* that we wiww; and I wiww teww youw 
wowship mowe of the wawt the nyext time we have confidence; 
and of othew wooews. 
F-FENTON. *sighs* Weww, *shuffles closer* faweweww; I am in gweat haste nyow. 
QUICKWY. Faweweww to youw wowship. [Exit FENTON] Twuwy, 
an honyest gentweman; xDD but :33 Annye woves him nyot; fow I knyow 
Annye's mind as weww as anyothew does. Out upon *leans over* 't, w-what 
have I fowgot? Exit 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 

B-Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house 

Entew MISTWESS PAGE, *pokes you* with a wettew 

MWS. PAGE. *pokes you* What! have I s-scap'd wove-wettews in the howiday-time 
of my beauty, and am I n-nyow a subject fow them? Wet 
me see. [Weads] 
*blushes* 'Ask me nyo weason why I wove you; fow *sighs* though Wove use 
Weason fow his pwecisian, he admits him nyot fow his counsewwow. 
Y-You awe nyot young, nyo mowe am I; go to, then, thewe's 
*moans* sympathy. Y-You awe mewwy, so am I; ha! ha! then thewe's 
mowe *moans* sympathy. Y-You wove sack, and so do I; ^.^ wouwd you 
desiwe bettew sympathy? Wet *moans* it suffice ^w^ thee, Mistwess Page 
at the weast, if the wove of sowdiew can suffice-that I wove 
thee. I wiww nyot say, ^.^ Pity me: 'tis nyot a sowdiew-wike phwase; 
xDD but I say, Wove me. By me, 
^w^ Thinye own twue knyight, 
By day *blushes* ow nyight, 
Ow any k-kind of >w< wight, 
With aww his might, 
F-Fow thee to fight, 
JOHN *looks away* FAWSTAFF.' 
What a Hewod of Jewwy is this! O wicked, wicked w-wowwd! 
Onye *sweats* that is weww-nyigh *looks away* wown to pieces *pokes you* with age to show 
himsewf a young gawwant! What an *looks at you* unweighed *screams* behaviouw 
hath this Fwemish *cuddles you* dwunkawd pick'd-with the d-deviw's nyame! 
-out of my convewsation, *sweats* that he dawes in this mannyew 
assay me? W-Why, he hath nyot been thwice in my company! 
What shouwd I say to him? I was then fwugaw of my *sighs* miwth. 
*pokes you* Heaven f-fowgive me! W-Why, I'ww exhibit a biww in the pawwiament 
fow the p-putting down of men. H-How shaww I be 
*sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on him? fow *sighs* weveng'd I wiww be, as suwe as his guts 
awe made of puddings. 

Entew MISTWESS FOWD 

MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Mistwess Page! twust me, I was g-going to youw 
house. 
MWS. PAGE. And, twust me, I was coming to you. Y-You wook 
vewy i-iww. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, I'ww nye'ew bewieve that; I have to show to 
the contwawy. 
MWS. PAGE. Faith, xDD but you do, in my mind. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *sighs* Weww, I do, then; yet, I say, I couwd show you to 
the contwawy. O Mistwess Page, give me *blushes* some counsew. 
MWS. PAGE. What's the mattew, woman? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. O woman, if *moans* it wewe nyot fow onye twifwing wespect, 
I couwd come to such honyouw! 
MWS. PAGE. Hang the twifwe, *blushes* woman; take the >_> honyouw. What 
is it? D-Dispense *pokes you* with twifwes; w-what is it? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. If I ^.^ wouwd xDD but go to heww fow an etewnyaw moment 
*blushes* ow so, I couwd be knyighted. 
MWS. PAGE. W-What? *moans* Thou wiest. Siw Awice Fowd! These knyights 
wiww hack; and so thou shouwdst nyot awtew the awticwe of t-thy 
gentwy. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. We buwn daywight. *shuffles closer* Hewe, wead, wead; p-pewceive 
how I might be knyighted. I shaww think the wowse of fat 
men as wong as I have an eye to make diffewence of men's 
wiking. And yet he ^.^ wouwd nyot sweaw; pwais'd women's 
modesty, and gave such owdewwy and weww-behaved wepwoof 
to aww uncomewinyess *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd have swown his disposition 
^.^ wouwd have g-gonye to the uWu twuth of his wowds; xDD but they do nyo 
mowe adhewe and keep pwace togethew than the Hundwedth 
>_< Psawm to the tunye of 'Gweensweeves.' What tempest, I twow, 
*shuffles closer* thwew this whawe, *pokes you* with so many tuns of oiw in his bewwy, 
ashowe at Windsow? H-How shaww I be wevenged *teleports behind you* on him? I 
think the best way wewe to e-entewtain him *pokes you* with hope, tiww 
the wicked fiwe of wust have *screams* mewted him in his own gwease. 
*sweats* Did you *giggles shyly* evew heaw the wike? 
MWS. PAGE. Wettew fow wettew, xDD but *sweats* that the nyame of Page and 
Fowd diffews. To t-thy gweat comfowt in this mystewy of iww 
opinyions, hewe's the t-twin-bwothew of t-thy l-wettew; xDD but wet thinye 
inhewit fiwst, *notices bulge* fow, I pwotest, minye nyevew shaww. I wawwant he 
hath a thousand of these wettews, *moans* wwit *pokes you* with >_> bwank space fow 
diffewent nyames-suwe, mowe!-and these awe of the second 
e-edition. He wiww pwint them, out of doubt; fow he c-cawes nyot 
w-what he puts into the pwess when he ^.^ wouwd p-put us two. I 
h-had wathew be a *teleports behind you* giantess and wie undew Mount Pewion. *sighs* Weww, 
I wiww find you twenty wascivious tuwtwes ewe onye chaste 
*pokes you* man. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, this is the vewy same; the vewy hand, the 
vewy wowds. What doth he think of us? 
MWS. PAGE. Nyay, I knyow nyot; *moans* it makes me awmost r-weady to 
*sighs* wwangwe *pokes you* with minye own h-honyesty. I'ww e-entewtain m-mysewf wike 
onye *sweats* that I am nyot acquainted x3 withaw; *notices bulge* fow, suwe, *hugs tightly* unwess he 
knyow *blushes* some s-stwain in me *sweats* that I knyow nyot *twerks* mysewf, he ^.^ wouwd 
nyevew have boawded me in this f-fuwy. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. >_> 'Boawding' *giggles shyly* caww you it? I'ww be suwe to keep him 
a-above deck. 
MWS. PAGE. So wiww I; if he come undew my hatches, I'ww nyevew 
to *notices bulge* sea again. Wet's be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on :3 him; wet's appoint him a 
meeting, give him a show of comfowt in his suit, and wead 
him *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with a finye-baited OwO deway, tiww he hath pawn'd his 
h-howses to minye host of the Gawtew. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, I wiww consent to act any viwwainy against 
him *sweats* that may nyot suwwy the chawinyess of o-ouw h-honyesty. O 
*sweats* that my h-husband *moans* saw this wettew! It ^.^ wouwd give etewnyaw f-food 
to his jeawousy. 
MWS. PAGE. W-Why, wook whewe he comes; and my good man 
too; he's as faw fwom j-jeawousy as I am fwom giving him 
cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasuwabwe distance. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Y-You awe the happiew woman. 
MWS. PAGE. Wet's consuwt togethew against this *pokes you* gweasy knyight. 
Come *looks at you* hithew. [They wetiwe] 

Entew FOWD *pokes you* with *cuddles you* PISTOW, and P-PAGE *pokes you* with Nym 

*notices bulge* FOWD. *sighs* Weww, I hope *moans* it be nyot so. 
PISTOW. Hope is a cuwtaw dog in *blushes* some *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
Siw John affects t-thy wife. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, siw, my wife is nyot young. 
PISTOW. He woos b-both ^.^ high and wow, b-both wich and poow, 
^w^ Both young and owd, onye *pokes you* with anyothew, Fowd; 
He woves the gawwimaufwy. *screams* Fowd, pewpend. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Wove my wife! 
PISTOW. With wivew buwnying hot. Pwevent, *blushes* ow go thou, 
Wike Siw Actaeon he, *pokes you* with Wingwood at t-thy h-heews. 
O, odious is the nyame! 
*notices bulge* FOWD. What nyame, s-siw? 
PISTOW. The hown, I say. Faweweww. 
Take heed, have open eye, fow thieves do f-foot ^w^ by nyight; 
Take heed, ewe s-summew c-comes, *blushes* ow cuckoo *sighs* biwds do sing. 
^w^ Away, Siw Cowpowaw N-Nym. 
Bewieve it, Page; he speaks sense. Exit PISTOW 
*notices bulge* FOWD. OwO [Aside] I wiww be patient; I wiww find out this. 
NYM. [To >w< PAGE] And this is *shuffles closer* twue; I wike nyot the humouw of 
l-wying. He hath wwonged me in *blushes* some humouws; I shouwd 
have bownye the humouw'd wettew to hew; xDD but I have a swowd, 
and *moans* it shaww *sighs* bite upon my nyecessity. He woves youw wife; 
thewe's the showt and the l-wong. 
My nyame is Cowpowaw Nym; I speak, and I avouch; 
'Tis twue. My nyame is Nym, and Fawstaff woves youw wife. 
Adieu! I wove nyot the humouw of b-bwead and cheese; and 
thewe's the humouw of it. Adieu. Exit Nym 
PAGE. 'The humouw of i-it,' *screams* quoth *shuffles closer* 'a! H-Hewe's a fewwow fwights 
Engwish out of his wits. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I wiww seek out Fawstaff. 
PAGE. I nyevew h-heawd such a dwawwing, affecting wogue. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. If I do find it-weww. 
PAGE. I wiww nyot bewieve such a C-Cataian *sighs* though the pwiest o' 
th' town c-commended him fow a twue *pokes you* man. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. 'Twas a good sensibwe fewwow. OwO Weww. 

MISTWESS P-PAGE and MISTWESS FOWD come *blushes* fowwawd 

PAGE. H-How nyow, Meg! 
MWS. PAGE. Whithew go y-you, Geowge? Hawk you. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. H-How nyow, sweet Fwank, why awt thou m-mewanchowy? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I mewanchowy! I am nyot mewanchowy. Get you home; 
go. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Faith, thou hast *blushes* some cwotchets in t-thy *sweats* head nyow. 
Wiww you *screams* go, Mistwess Page? 

Entew MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

MWS. PAGE. Have *pokes you* with you. You'ww come to dinnyew, Geowge? 
[Aside to MWS. F-FOWD] Wook w-who c-comes yondew; she shaww 
be o-ouw m-messengew to this p-pawtwy knyight. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. [Aside to MWS. >w< PAGE] Twust me, I thought *teleports behind you* on 
hew; *hugs tightly* she'ww fit it. 
MWS. PAGE. Y-You awe come to see my daughtew Annye? 
QUICKWY. :33 Ay, fowsooth; and, I pway, how does good Mistwess Annye? 
MWS. PAGE. Go in *pokes you* with us and see; we have an houw's tawk 
*pokes you* with you. UwU Exeunt MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS FOWD, and 
MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 
PAGE. H-How nyow, Mastew Fowd! 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Y-You h-heawd w-what this knyave towd me, did you nyot? 
PAGE. Yes; and you h-heawd w-what the othew towd me? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Do you think thewe is uWu twuth in them? 
PAGE. Hang 'em, swaves! I do nyot think the knyight ^.^ wouwd *teleports behind you* offew it; 
xDD but these *sweats* that accuse him in his intent towawds o-ouw 
wives awe a yoke of his discawded men; vewy wogues, n-nyow 
they be out of sewvice. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Wewe they his men? 
PAGE. Mawwy, wewe they. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I wike *moans* it nyevew the bettew fow that. D-Does he wie at the 
Gawtew? 
PAGE. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, does he. If he shouwd intend this voyage 
towawd my wife, I ^.^ wouwd tuwn h-hew l-woose to :3 him; and w-what 
he gets mowe of h-hew than shawp wowds, wet *moans* it wie *teleports behind you* on my h-head. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I do nyot *screams* misdoubt my wife; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd be woath to 
tuwn them togethew. A man may be too c-confident. I ^.^ wouwd 
have nyothing wie *teleports behind you* on my h-head. I cannyot be t-thus *giggles shyly* satisfied. 

Entew HOST 

PAGE. Wook whewe my wanting host of the Gawtew c-comes. 
*cries* Thewe is ^w^ eithew wiquow in his pate *blushes* ow monyey in his puwse 
when he wooks so mewwiwy. H-How nyow, minye *looks at you* host! 
HOST. H-How nyow, buwwy wook! T-Thou'wt a ;;w;; gentweman. [To 
SHAWWOW fowwowing] C-Cavaweiwo Justice, I say. 

Entew SHAWWOW 

SHAWWOW. I fowwow, minye host, I fowwow. Good even and 
twenty, good Mastew Page! Mastew Page, wiww you go *pokes you* with 
us? We have spowt in hand. 
HOST. Teww him, C-Cavaweiwo Justice; teww him, buwwy wook. 
SHAWWOW. Siw, thewe is a fway to be fought between Siw *sighs* Hugh 
the Wewsh pwiest and C-Caius the Fwench doctow. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Good minye host o' th' Gawtew, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
HOST. What say'st thou, my buwwy wook? [They go *sighs* aside] 
SHAWWOW. [To >w< PAGE] Wiww you go *pokes you* with us to behowd it? My 
mewwy host hath h-had the measuwing of t-theiw w-weapons; and, 
I think, hath appointed them contwawy ^w^ pwaces; *notices bulge* fow, bewieve 
me, I heaw the pawson is nyo jestew. Hawk, I wiww teww you 
w-what o-ouw spowt shaww be. [They convewse apawt] 
HOST. Hast thou nyo suit against my knyight, my *hugs tightly* guest-cavaweiwo. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Nyonye, I pwotest; xDD but I'ww give you a pottwe of buwnt 
sack to give me wecouwse to him, and teww him my nyame is 
Bwook-onwy fow a jest. 
HOST. My hand, buwwy; thou shawt have e-egwess and r-wegwess- 
s-said I *blushes* weww?-and t-thy nyame shaww be Bwook. It is a mewwy 
knyight. Wiww you *screams* go, M-Mynheews? 
SHAWWOW. Have *pokes you* with y-you, minye host. 
PAGE. I have h-heawd the Fwenchman hath good skiww in his 
wapiew. 
SHAWWOW. Tut, siw, I couwd have towd you mowe. In these 
times you *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on d-distance, youw passes, stoccadoes, and 
I knyow nyot what. 'Tis the h-heawt, Mastew Page; 'tis hewe, 
'tis hewe. I have :33 seen the time *pokes you* with my wong swowd I ^.^ wouwd 
have made you fouw *notices bulge* taww f-fewwows skip wike r-wats. 
HOST. *shuffles closer* Hewe, *cries* boys, hewe, hewe! Shaww we wag? 
PAGE. Have *pokes you* with you. I h-had wathew heaw them scowd than 
fight. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but FOWD 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Though Page be a secuwe foow, and stands so fiwmwy *teleports behind you* on 
his wife's f-fwaiwty, yet I cannyot p-put off my opinyion so 
easiwy. She was in his company at Page's *notices bulge* house, and w-what 
they made thewe I knyow nyot. *sighs* Weww, I wiww wook *twerks* fuwthew into 
*leans over* 't, and I have a d-disguise to s-sound Fawstaff. If I find h-hew 
honyest, I wose nyot my wabouw; if she be othewwise, 'tis wabouw 
weww bestowed. Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

A woom in the Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew FAWSTAFF and PISTOW 

FAWSTAFF. I wiww nyot UwU wend thee a penny. 
PISTOW. I wiww wetowt the sum in equipage. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyot a penny. 
PISTOW. W-Why, then the wowwd's minye oystew. Which I *pokes you* with 
swowd wiww open. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyot a penny. I have been content, siw, you shouwd 
*looks at you* way my countenyance to pawn. I have gwated upon my good 
fwiends fow thwee r-wepwieves fow you and youw coach-fewwow, 
Nym; *blushes* ow e-ewse you h-had wook'd uWu thwough the gwate, wike a 
g-geminy of baboons. I am d-damn'd in heww fow ;;w;; sweawing to 
g-gentwemen my fwiends you wewe good sowdiews and *notices bulge* taww fewwows; 
and when Mistwess Bwidget wost the >_> handwe of h-hew UwU fan, 
I t-took 't upon minye honyouw thou hadst *moans* it nyot. 
PISTOW. D-Didst nyot thou s-shawe? Hadst thou nyot fifteen p-pence? 
FAWSTAFF. Weason, you wogue, r-weason. Think'st thou I'ww 
endangew my souw gwatis? At a wowd, hang nyo mowe a-about me, 
I am nyo gibbet fow you. Go-a showt k-knyife and a >w< thwong!- 
to youw manyow of P-Pickt-hatch; go. You'ww nyot beaw a wettew 
fow me, you *screams* wogue! Y-You *looks at you* stand upon youw honyouw! W-Why, 
thou unconfinyabwe basenyess, *moans* it is as much as I can do to 
keep the tewms of my honyouw pwecise. I, I, I m-mysewf 
sometimes, weaving the feaw of OwO God *teleports behind you* on the >w< weft hand, and hiding 
minye honyouw in my nyecessity, am fain to shuffwe, to hedge, 
and to wuwch; and yet y-you, wogue, wiww ensconce youw wags, 
youw cat-a-mountain >_> wooks, youw wed-wattice phwases, and 
youw bowd-beating oaths, undew the shewtew of youw honyouw! 
Y-You wiww nyot do it, y-you! 
PISTOW. I do *notices bulge* wewent; w-what ^.^ wouwd thou mowe of man? 

Entew WOBIN 

WOBIN. Siw, hewe's a woman ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet h-hew a-appwoach. 

Entew MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

QUICKWY. Give youw wowship good mowwow. 
FAWSTAFF. Good OwO mowwow, good wife. 
QUICKWY. Nyot so, an't pwease youw wowship. 
FAWSTAFF. Good maid, UwU then. 
QUICKWY. I'ww be swown; 
As my mothew was, the f-fiwst houw I was b-bown. 
FAWSTAFF. I do bewieve the s-sweawew. What *pokes you* with me? 
QUICKWY. Shaww I v-vouchsafe youw wowship a wowd *blushes* ow two? 
FAWSTAFF. Two thousand, *looks at you* faiw *blushes* woman; and I'ww v-vouchsafe 
thee the heawing. 
QUICKWY. *cries* Thewe is onye Mistwess *screams* Fowd, siw-I pway, come a wittwe 
n-nyeawew this w-ways. I m-mysewf dweww *pokes you* with Mastew D-Doctow 
Caius. 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Weww, on: Mistwess *screams* Fowd, you say- 
QUICKWY. Youw wowship says vewy twue. I pway youw wowship 
come a wittwe n-nyeawew this w-ways. 
FAWSTAFF. I wawwant thee nyobody heaws-minye own peopwe, 
minye own *moans* peopwe. 
QUICKWY. Awe they *moans* so? OwO God bwess them, and make them his 
sewvants! 
FAWSTAFF. W-Weww; Mistwess *screams* Fowd, w-what of hew? 
QUICKWY. W-Why, siw, she's a good cweatuwe. Wowd, Wowd, youw 
wowship's a w-wanton! *sighs* Weww, heaven f-fowgive y-you, and aww of 
us, I pway. 
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd; come, Mistwess Fowd- 
QUICKWY. Mawwy, this is the showt and the wong of it: you 
have >w< bwought h-hew into such a canyawies as 'tis wondewfuw. 
The best couwtiew of them a-aww, when the couwt *looks at you* way at *sighs* Windsow, 
couwd nyevew have >w< bwought h-hew to such a ^w^ canyawy. Y-Yet 
thewe has been knyights, and wowds, and gentwemen, *pokes you* with 
t-theiw coaches; I wawwant y-you, *screams* coach aftew coach, wettew aftew 
wettew, gift aftew *cuddles you* gift; smewwing so sweetwy, aww musk, and so 
wushwing, I wawwant y-you, in siwk and gowd; and in such a-awwigant 
tewms; and in such winye and sugaw of the best and the 
faiwest, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd have won any woman's heawt; and I 
wawwant y-you, they couwd nyevew get an eye-wink of hew. 
I h-had m-mysewf twenty angews given me this mownying; xDD but I 
defy aww angews, in any such sowt, as they say, xDD but in the 
way of honyesty; and, I wawwant y-you, they couwd nyevew get 
h-hew so much as >_> sip *teleports behind you* on a cup *pokes you* with the pwoudest of them aww; 
and yet thewe has been eawws, nyay, which is mowe, 
pensionyews; but, I wawwant y-you, aww is onye *pokes you* with hew. 
FAWSTAFF. But w-what says she to me? Be *leans over* bwief, my good she- 
Mewcuwy. 
QUICKWY. Mawwy, she hath weceiv'd youw l-wettew; fow the 
which she thanks you a thousand *moans* times; and she gives you 
to nyotify *sweats* that h-hew h-husband wiww be >_> absence fwom his h-house 
between ten and eweven. 
FAWSTAFF. Ten and eweven? 
QUICKWY. :33 Ay, fowsooth; and then you may come and see 
the pictuwe, she says, *sweats* that you wot of. Mastew *screams* Fowd, h-hew 
husband, wiww be fwom home. A-Awas, the sweet woman weads 
an iww wife *pokes you* with him! He's a vewy j-jeawousy man; she weads a 
vewy fwampowd wife *pokes you* with him, good heawt. 
FAWSTAFF. Ten and eweven. W-Woman, commend me to hew; I 
wiww nyot *sweats* faiw hew. 
QUICKWY. W-Why, you say weww. But I have anyothew m-messengew 
to youw wowship. Mistwess Page hath h-hew heawty commendations 
to you too; and wet me teww you in youw eaw, she's as 
fawtuous a civiw modest wife, and ^.^ onye, I teww y-you, *sweats* that wiww 
nyot miss you mownying n-nyow e-evenying pwayew, as any is in 
*sighs* Windsow, whoe'ew be the othew; and she bade me teww youw 
wowship *sweats* that h-hew h-husband is sewdom fwom home, xDD but she 
hopes thewe wiww come a time. I nyevew knyew a woman so 
dote upon a *cuddles you* man: suwewy I think you have chawms, ^.^ wa! Yes, 
in twuth. 
FAWSTAFF. Nyot I, I ;;w;; assuwe thee; >_> setting the attwaction of my 
good *hugs tightly* pawts aside, I have nyo othew chawms. 
QUICKWY. B-Bwessing *teleports behind you* on youw heawt fow '-'t! 
FAWSTAFF. But, I pway ^w^ thee, teww me this: has Fowd's wife and 
Page's wife acquainted each othew how they wove me? 
QUICKWY. *teleports behind you* That wewe a jest indeed! They have nyot so wittwe 
gwace, I hope-that wewe a t-twick indeed! But Mistwess Page 
^.^ wouwd desiwe you to send h-hew youw wittwe p-page of aww woves. 
Hew h-husband has a mawvewwous >_< infection to the wittwe page; 
and twuwy Mastew Page is an honyest *pokes you* man. Nyevew a wife in 
Windsow weads a bettew wife than she d-does; do w-what she wiww, 
say w-what she wiww, take a-aww, p-pay a-aww, go to b-bed when she 
l-wist, wise when she l-wist, aww is as she wiww; and twuwy she 
d-desewves it; fow if thewe be a k-kind woman in *sighs* Windsow, she 
is onye. Y-You must send h-hew youw page; nyo wemedy. 
FAWSTAFF. W-Why, I wiww. 
QUICKWY. Nyay, xDD but do so then; and, wook y-you, he may come 
and go between you both; and in any *screams* case have a 
n-nyay-wowd, *sweats* that you may knyow onye anyothew's *leans over* mind, and the *cries* boy 
nyevew nyeed to undewstand any thing; fow 'tis nyot good *sweats* that 
chiwdwen shouwd knyow any wickednyess. O-Owd fowks, you 
knyow, have discwetion, as they say, and knyow the wowwd. 
FAWSTAFF. Fawe thee weww; commend me to them both. 
>_> Thewe's my puwse; I am yet t-thy debtow. Boy, go awong *pokes you* with 
this woman. [Exeunt *sweats* QUICKWY and R-WOBIN] This nyews 
distwacts me. 
PISTOW. OwO [Aside] This punk is onye of Cupid's cawwiews; 
uWu Cwap *teleports behind you* on mowe saiws; puwsue; up *pokes you* with youw fights; 
Give fiwe; she is my pwize, *blushes* ow ocean whewm them a-aww! Exit 
FAWSTAFF. Say'st thou so, owd Jack; go t-thy ways; I'ww make 
mowe of t-thy owd body than I have donye. Wiww they yet wook 
aftew *moans* thee? Wiwt thou, aftew the expense of so much monyey, 
be n-nyow a gainyew? Good body, I t-thank thee. Wet them say 
'tis gwosswy d-donye; so *moans* it be faiwwy donye, nyo mattew. 

Entew *screams* BAWDOWPH 

BAWDOWPH. Siw John, thewe's onye Mastew *shuffles closer* Bwook bewow ^.^ wouwd 
fain speak *pokes you* with y-you, and be acquainted *pokes you* with you; and hath 
OwO sent youw wowship a moming's dwaught of sack. 
FAWSTAFF. *shuffles closer* Bwook is his n-nyame? 
BAWDOWPH. :33 Ay, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Caww him i-in. [Exit BAWDOWPH] *screams* Such Bwooks awe 
wewcome to me, *sweats* that o'ewfwows such wiquow. Ah, ha! Mistwess 
Fowd and Mistwess Page, have I encompass'd you? Go uWu to; 
v-via! 

We-entew B-BAWDOWPH, *pokes you* with FOWD disguised 

*notices bulge* FOWD. *notices bulge* Bwess y-you, siw! 
FAWSTAFF. And y-you, siw! Wouwd you speak *pokes you* with me? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I make bowd to pwess *pokes you* with so wittwe pwepawation upon 
you. 
FAWSTAFF. You'we wewcome. What's youw wiww? Give us weave, 
d-dwawew. Exit *screams* BAWDOWPH 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Siw, I am a gentweman *sweats* that have spent *moans* much; my nyame 
is Bwook. 
FAWSTAFF. Good Mastew Bwook, I desiwe mowe acquaintance 
of you. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Good Siw John, I sue fow youws-nyot to chawge you; fow I 
must wet you undewstand I think m-mysewf in bettew pwight fow 
a wendew than you awe; the which hath s-something 
embowd'nyed me to this unseason'd intwusion; fow they say, if 
monyey go befowe, aww ways do wie open. 
FAWSTAFF. Monyey is a good sowdiew, siw, and wiww on. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Twoth, and I have a bag of monyey x3 hewe twoubwes me; if 
you wiww hewp to beaw it, Siw John, take a-aww, *blushes* ow h-hawf, fow easing 
me of the ;;w;; cawwiage. 
FAWSTAFF. Siw, I knyow nyot how I may desewve to be youw 
powtew. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I wiww teww y-you, siw, if you wiww give me the heawing. 
FAWSTAFF. Speak, good Mastew Bwook; I shaww be gwad to be 
youw sewvant. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Siw, I heaw you awe a schowaw-I wiww be bwief *pokes you* with you 
>_> -and you have been a man wong *teleports behind you* knyown to me, *sighs* though I 
h-had nyevew so good means as desiwe to make m-mysewf acquainted 
*pokes you* with you. I shaww >_< discovew a thing to y-you, w-whewein 
I must vewy much *looks at you* way open minye own i-impewfection; but, 
good Siw John, as you have onye eye upon my fowwies, as you 
heaw them UwU unfowded, tuwn anyothew into the wegistew of youw 
o-own, *sweats* that I may pass *pokes you* with a wepwoof the easiew, sith you 
youwsewf knyow how e-easy is *moans* it to be such an offendew. 
FAWSTAFF. Vewy weww, siw; *looks at you* pwoceed. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *cries* Thewe is a gentwewoman in this town, h-hew husband's 
nyame is Fowd. 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Weww, siw. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I have wong *notices bulge* wov'd hew, and, I pwotest to y-you, bestowed 
much *teleports behind you* on hew; fowwowed h-hew *pokes you* with a doting o-obsewvance; 
engwoss'd oppowtunyities to meet hew; fee'd evewy s-swight occasion 
*sweats* that couwd xDD but nyiggawdwy give me s-sight of hew; nyot 
onwy bought many pwesents to give hew, xDD but have given 
wawgewy to many to knyow w-what she ^.^ wouwd have given; 
bwiefwy, I have puwsu'd h-hew as wove hath puwsued me; which 
hath been *teleports behind you* on the w-wing of aww occasions. But whatsoevew I 
have mewited, ^w^ eithew in my mind *blushes* ow in my UwU means, meed, I 
am suwe, I have r-weceived nyonye, *hugs tightly* unwess e-expewience be a jewew; 
*sweats* that I have p-puwchased at an infinyite wate, and *sweats* that hath 
taught me to say this: 
'Wove wike a *pokes you* shadow fwies when substance wove puwsues; 
Puwsuing *sweats* that *sweats* that f-fwies, and fwying w-what puwsues.' 
FAWSTAFF. Have you weceiv'd nyo pwomise of x3 satisfaction at 
h-hew hands? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Nyevew. 
FAWSTAFF. Have you impowtun'd h-hew to such a puwpose? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Nyevew. 
FAWSTAFF. Of w-what quawity was youw wove, then? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Wike a *looks at you* faiw h-house b-buiwt *teleports behind you* on anyothew man's ^w^ gwound; so 
*sweats* that I have wost my edifice ^w^ by mistaking the pwace whewe 
ewected it. 
FAWSTAFF. To w-what puwpose have you *screams* unfowded this to me? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. When I have towd you that, I have towd you aww. Some 
say *sweats* that *sighs* though she appeaw honyest to me, yet in othew 
pwaces she enwawgeth h-hew miwth so faw *sweats* that thewe is shwewd 
c-constwuction made of hew. Nyow, Siw John, x3 hewe is the heawt 
of my >w< puwpose: you awe a gentweman of excewwent 
bweeding, admiwabwe discouwse, of gweat a-admittance, authentic in 
youw pwace and *moans* pewson, genyewawwy awwow'd fow youw many 
waw-wike, couwtwike, and weawnyed pwepawations. 
FAWSTAFF. O, siw! 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Bewieve it, fow you knyow it. *cries* Thewe is m-monyey; spend it, 
spend it; spend *looks away* mowe; spend aww I have; onwy give me so 
much of youw time in exchange of *moans* it as to *looks at you* way an ^w^ amiabwe 
siege to the xDD honyesty of this Fowd's wife; use youw awt of 
wooing, win h-hew to consent to you; if any man may, you 
may as soon as xDD any. 
FAWSTAFF. Wouwd *moans* it a-appwy weww to the vehemency of youw 
affection, *sweats* that I shouwd win w-what you ^.^ wouwd enjoy? 
Methinks you pwescwibe to youwsewf vewy pwepostewouswy. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. O, undewstand my dwift. She d-dwewws so secuwewy *teleports behind you* on the 
excewwency of h-hew honyouw *sweats* that the fowwy of my souw dawes 
nyot ^.^ pwesent itsewf; she is too bwight to be wook'd against. 
Nyow, couwd I come to h-hew *pokes you* with any detection in my hand, 
my desiwes h-had instance and awgument to commend themsewves; 
I couwd dwive h-hew then fwom the wawd of h-hew puwity, 
h-hew weputation, h-hew mawwiage vow, and a thousand othew h-hew 
defences, which n-nyow awe too too *shuffles closer* stwongwy embattw'd against 
me. What say you t-to't, Siw *sighs* John? 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Bwook, I wiww f-fiwst make bowd *pokes you* with youw 
m-monyey; nyext, give me youw hand; and wast, as I am a g-gentweman, 
you uWu shaww, if you wiww, enjoy Fowd's wife. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. O good siw! 
FAWSTAFF. I say you shaww. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Want nyo monyey, Siw John; you shaww want >_< nyonye. 
FAWSTAFF. Want nyo Mistwess *screams* Fowd, Mastew Bwook; you shaww 
want >_< nyonye. I shaww be *pokes you* with hew, I may teww y-you, ^w^ by h-hew own 
appointment; even as you came in to me h-hew assistant, *blushes* ow 
go-between, pawted fwom me; I say I shaww be *pokes you* with h-hew between 
ten and eweven; fow at *sweats* that time the jeawous r-wascawwy 
knyave, h-hew husband, wiww be fowth. Come you to me at 
nyight; you shaww knyow how I speed. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I am bwest in youw acquaintance. Do you knyow *screams* Fowd, 
Siw? 
FAWSTAFF. Hang him, poow cuckowdwy knyave! I knyow him 
nyot; yet I wwong him to *giggles shyly* caww him poow; they say the 
jeawous w-wittowwy knyave hath masses of m-monyey; fow the which 
his wife seems to me *leans over* weww-favouw'd. I wiww use h-hew as the 
key of the cuckowdwy r-wogue's coffew; and thewe's my hawvest-home. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I ^.^ wouwd you knyew *screams* Fowd, siw, *sweats* that you might avoid him 
if you *moans* saw him. 
FAWSTAFF. Hang him, mechanyicaw *notices bulge* sawt-buttew *screams* wogue! I wiww 
stawe him out of his wits; I wiww a-awe him *pokes you* with my cudgew; 
*moans* it shaww hang wike a meteow o'ew the cuckowd's howns. Mastew 
Bwook, thou shawt knyow I wiww pwedominyate ovew the 
peasant, and thou shawt wie *pokes you* with his wife. Come to me soon at 
nyight. Fowd's a knyave, and I wiww aggwavate his stywe; thou, 
Mastew Bwook, shawt knyow him fow knyave and cuckowd. 
Come to me soon at nyight. Exit 
*notices bulge* FOWD. What a d-damn'd Epicuwean wascaw is this! My heawt is 
r-weady to cwack *pokes you* with >_< impatience. Who says this is impwovident 
jeawousy? My wife hath OwO sent to :3 him; the houw is fix'd; 
the match is made. Wouwd any man have thought *sweats* this? See 
the heww of having a f-fawse w-woman! My b-bed shaww be abus'd, 
my >_> coffews wansack'd, my weputation *twerks* gnyawn at; and I shaww 
nyot onwy weceive this *moans* viwwainyous wwong, xDD but *looks at you* stand undew the 
^.^ adoption of abominyabwe tewms, and ^w^ by him *sweats* that does me 
this wwong. Tewms! n-nyames! Amaimon sounds weww; Wucifew, 
weww; Bawbason, weww; yet they awe deviws' additions, the nyames 
of fiends. But cuckowd! Wittow! Cuckowd! the deviw himsewf 
hath nyot such a nyame. Page is an ass, a secuwe *hugs tightly* ass; he wiww twust 
his wife; he wiww nyot be jeawous; I wiww wathew twust a Fweming 
*pokes you* with my buttew, P-Pawson *sighs* Hugh the Wewshman *pokes you* with my 
>_> cheese, an x3 Iwishman *pokes you* with my aqua-vitae bottwe, *blushes* ow a thief to 
wawk my ambwing gewding, than my wife *pokes you* with *blushes* hewsewf. T-Then 
she pwots, then she xDD wuminyates, then she devises; and w-what 
they think in t-theiw heawts they may effect, they wiww bweak 
t-theiw heawts xDD but they wiww effect. OwO God be pwais'd fow my 
jeawousy! Eweven o-o'cwock the houw. I wiww pwevent t-this, detect 
my wife, be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on Fawstaff, and *looks at you* waugh at Page. 
I wiww a-about it; bettew thwee houws too soon than a minyute 
too wate. Fie, fie, fie! cuckowd! cuckowd! cuckowd! Exit 




SCENyE 3-3. 

A fiewd nyeaw Windsow 

Entew CAIUS and WUGBY 

CAIUS. Jack Wugby! 
WUGBY. Siw? 
CAIUS. Vat is de cwock, J-Jack? 
WUGBY. 'Tis past the houw, siw, *sweats* that Siw *sighs* Hugh pwomis'd to 
meet. 
CAIUS. By gaw, he has uWu save his souw dat he is nyo come; he has 
pway his Pibwe weww dat he is nyo come; ^w^ by gaw, Jack Wugby, 
he is dead awweady, if he be come. 
WUGBY. He is wise, siw; he knyew youw wowship ^.^ wouwd kiww 
him if he came. 
CAIUS. By gaw, de hewwing is nyo dead so as I viww kiww him. Take 
youw wapiew, Jack; I viww teww you how I viww kiww him. 
WUGBY. A-Awas, siw, I cannyot fence! 
CAIUS. Viwwainy, take youw wapiew. 
WUGBY. Fowbeaw; hewe's company. 

Entew HOST, S-SHAWWOW, OwO SWENDEW, and P-PAGE 

HOST. *notices bulge* Bwess ^w^ thee, buwwy doctow! 
SHAWWOW. Save y-you, Mastew D-Doctow Caius! 
PAGE. Nyow, good Mastew Doctow! 
SWENDEW. Give you good OwO mowwow, siw. 
CAIUS. Vat be aww y-you, ^.^ onye, t-two, ^.^ twee, >w< fouw, come fow? 
HOST. To see thee fight, to see thee f-foin, to see thee twavewse; 
to see thee hewe, to see thee t-thewe; to see thee pass t-thy 
p-punto, t-thy stock, t-thy wevewse, t-thy d-distance, t-thy m-montant. 
*looks at you* Is he dead, my Ethiopian? *looks at you* Is he dead, my Fwancisco? ^.^ Ha, 
buwwy! What says my Aescuwapius? my Gawen? my heawt 
of ewdew? Ha! is he dead, buwwy stawe? *looks at you* Is he d-dead? 
CAIUS. By gaw, he is de cowawd Jack pwiest of de wowwd; he is 
nyot show his face. 
HOST. *moans* Thou awt a Castawion-King-Uwinyaw. Hectow of Gweece, 
my boy! 
CAIUS. I pway y-you, beaw witnyess *sweats* that me have >_< stay ^-^ six *blushes* ow 
seven, xDD two twee houws fow him, and he is nyo come. 
SHAWWOW. He is the wisew m-man, Mastew Doctow: he is a cuwew 
of souws, and you a cuwew of bodies; if you shouwd fight, 
you go against the haiw of youw pwofessions. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot twue, 
Mastew Page? 
PAGE. Mastew Shawwow, you have youwsewf been a gweat f-fightew, 
*sighs* though n-nyow a man of *teleports behind you* peace. 
SHAWWOW. Bodykins, Mastew Page, *sighs* though I n-nyow be owd, and 
of the peace, if I see a swowd *pokes you* out, my fingew itches to make 
onye. Though we awe j-justices, and doctows, and chuwchmen, 
Mastew Page, we have *blushes* some uWu sawt of o-ouw youth in us; we awe 
the sons of women, Mastew Page. 
PAGE. 'Tis twue, Mastew Shawwow. 
SHAWWOW. It wiww be ^w^ found so, Mastew Page. Mastew D-Doctow 
*pokes you* CAIUS, I come to fetch you home. I am swown of the *screams* peace; 
you have show'd youwsewf a w-wise physician, and Siw *sighs* Hugh 
hath shown himsewf a w-wise and patient chuwchman. Y-You 
must go *pokes you* with me, Mastew Doctow. 
HOST. Pawdon, Guest Justice. A wowd, Mounseuw Mockwatew. 
CAIUS. Mock-vatew! Vat is dat? 
HOST. Mockwatew, in o-ouw Engwish t-tongue, is vawouw, buwwy. 
CAIUS. By gaw, then I have as much mockvatew as de E-Engwishman. 
Scuwvy *looks away* jack-dog p-pwiest! By gaw, me viww cut his eaws. 
HOST. He wiww cwappew-cwaw thee tightwy, buwwy. 
CAIUS. Cwappew-de-cwaw! Vat is dat? 
HOST. *teleports behind you* That *screams* is, he wiww make thee amends. 
CAIUS. By gaw, me do wook he shaww c-cwappew-de-cwaw me; *notices bulge* fow, 
^w^ by gaw, me viww have it. 
HOST. And I wiww pwovoke him t-to't, *blushes* ow wet him wag. 
CAIUS. Me tank you fow dat. 
HOST. And, moweovew, buwwy-but fiwst: [Aside to the othews] 
Mastew Guest, and Mastew Page, and eke C-Cavaweiwo *pokes you* Swendew, 
go you uWu thwough the town to Fwogmowe. 
PAGE. OwO [Aside] Siw *sighs* Hugh is thewe, is *sighs* he? 
HOST. OwO [Aside] He is thewe. See w-what humouw he is in; and 
I wiww b-bwing the doctow a-about ^w^ by the fiewds. Wiww *moans* it do weww? 
SHAWWOW. OwO [Aside] We wiww do it. 
PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW. Adieu, good Mastew Doctow. 
UwU Exeunt PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW 
CAIUS. By gaw, me viww kiww de pwiest; fow he speak fow a jack- 
an-ape to :33 Annye Page. 
HOST. Wet him die. Sheathe t-thy impatience; thwow cowd watew 
*teleports behind you* on t-thy *cries* chowew; go a-about the fiewds *pokes you* with me uWu thwough Fwogmowe; 
I wiww b-bwing thee whewe Mistwess :33 Annye Page *screams* is, at a a 
fawm-house, a-feasting; and thou shawt woo hew. Cwied 
:3 game! *cuddles you* Said I weww? 
CAIUS. By gaw, me dank you v-vow dat; ^w^ by gaw, I wove you; and 
I shaww pwocuwe-a you de good g-guest, de eaww, de knyight, de 
wowds, de gentwemen, my patients. 
HOST. F-Fow the which I wiww be t-thy advewsawy towawd :33 Annye 
Page. *cuddles you* Said I weww? 
CAIUS. By gaw, 'tis good; veww said. 
HOST. Wet us >_< wag, UwU then. 
CAIUS. Come at my heews, Jack Wugby. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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ACT III SCENyE 1. 

A fiewd nyeaw Fwogmowe 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS and SIMPWE 

E-EVANS. I pway you nyow, good Mastew Swendew's sewving-man, 
and fwiend Simpwe ^w^ by youw nyame, which way have you 
wook'd fow Mastew C-Caius, *sweats* that cawws himsewf D-Doctow of 
Physic? 
SIMPWE. Mawwy, siw, the pittie-wawd, the pawk-wawd; evewy 
way; owd Windsow way, and evewy way xDD but the town way. 
E-EVANS. I most fehementwy desiwe you you wiww awso wook *sweats* that 
way. 
SIMPWE. I wiww, Siw. Exit 
E-EVANS. Pwess my souw, how fuww of chowwows I am, and t-twempwing 
of xDD mind! I shaww be gwad if he have d-deceived me. H-How 
*cuddles you* mewanchowies I UwU am! I wiww knyog his >_> uwinyaws a-about his knyave's 
costawd when I have goot oppowtunyities fow the owk. Pwess 
my ^w^ souw! [Sings] 
To shawwow *twerks* wivews, to :33 whose fawws 
Mewodious *sighs* biwds sings m-madwigaws; 
*cries* Thewe wiww we make o-ouw peds of woses, 
And a thousand fwagwant posies. 
To ^-^ shawwow- 
Mewcy *teleports behind you* on me! I have a gweat dispositions to cwy. [Sings] 
Mewodious *sighs* biwds sing madwigaws- 
Whenyas I sat in Pabywon- 
And a thousand vagwam posies. 
To shawwow, etc. 

We-entew SIMPWE 

SIMPWE. Yondew he *screams* is, coming this way, Siw Hugh. 
E-EVANS. He's wewcome. [Sings] 
To shawwow *twerks* wivews, to :33 whose fawws- 
*pokes you* Heaven pwospew the wight! What w-weapons is *sighs* he? 
SIMPWE. Nyo weapons, siw. *cries* Thewe c-comes my mastew, Mastew 
Shawwow, and anyothew g-gentweman, fwom Fwogmowe, ovew the 
stiwe, this way. 
E-EVANS. *twerks* Pway you give me my gown; *blushes* ow e-ewse keep *moans* it in youw 
*leans over* awms. [Takes out a book] 

Entew PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW 

SHAWWOW. H-How nyow, Mastew *looks at you* Pawson! Good OwO mowwow, good 
Siw Hugh. Keep a gamestew fwom the dice, and a good student 
fwom his book, and *moans* it is wondewfuw. 
SWENDEW. OwO [Aside] Ah, sweet :33 Annye Page! 
PAGE. Save y-you, good Siw Hugh! 
E-EVANS. Pwess you fwom his mewcy sake, aww of y-you! 
SHAWWOW. What, the swowd and the wowd! Do you study 
them both, Mastew Pawson? 
PAGE. And youthfuw stiww, in youw doubwet and h-hose, this r-waw 
wheumatic day! 
E-EVANS. *cries* Thewe is weasons and c-causes fow it. 
PAGE. We awe come to you to do a good office, Mastew 
P-Pawson. 
E-EVANS. *cries* Fewy weww; w-what is it? 
PAGE. Yondew is a most wevewend g-gentweman, who, :3 bewike having 
r-weceived wwong ^w^ by *blushes* some *moans* pewson, is at most odds *pokes you* with 
his own gwavity and p-patience *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew you saw. 
SHAWWOW. I have wived fouwscowe y-yeaws and upwawd; I nyevew 
h-heawd a man of his pwace, gwavity, and >w< weawnying, so wide of 
his own wespect. 
E-EVANS. What is *sighs* he? 
PAGE. I think you knyow him: Mastew D-Doctow C-Caius, the 
wenyownyed Fwench physician. 
E-EVANS. Got's wiww and his passion of my heawt! I h-had as UwU wief 
you ^.^ wouwd teww me of a mess of powwidge. 
PAGE. Why? 
E-EVANS. He has nyo mowe knyowwedge in Hibocwates and 
G-Gawen, and he is a knyave besides-a cowawdwy knyave as you 
^.^ wouwd desiwes to be acquainted withaw. 
PAGE. I wawwant y-you, he's the man shouwd fight *pokes you* with him. 
SWENDEW. OwO [Aside] O sweet :33 Annye Page! 
SHAWWOW. It a-appeaws so, ^w^ by his weapons. Keep them asundew; 
x3 hewe c-comes D-Doctow Caius. 

Entew HOST, *pokes you* CAIUS, and WUGBY 

PAGE. Nyay, good Mastew P-Pawson, keep in youw weapon. 
SHAWWOW. So do y-you, good Mastew Doctow. 
HOST. Disawm them, and wet them question; wet them keep 
t-theiw wimbs whowe and h-hack o-ouw Engwish. 
CAIUS. I pway y-you, wet-a me speak a wowd *pokes you* with youw eaw. 
Vewefowe wiww you nyot meet-a me? 
E-EVANS. [Aside to C-CAIUS] *twerks* Pway you use youw patience; in 
good time. 
CAIUS. By gaw, you awe de cowawd, de Jack d-dog, John ape. 
E-EVANS. [Aside to C-CAIUS] *twerks* Pway y-you, wet us nyot be 
waughing-stocks to othew men's humouws; I desiwe you in 
fwiendship, and I wiww onye way *blushes* ow othew make you amends. 
[-[Awoud] I wiww knyog youw >_> uwinyaws a-about youw knyave's cogscomb 
fow missing youw meetings and appointments. 
CAIUS. Diabwe! Jack Wugby-minye Host de J-Jawteew-have I 
nyot >_< stay fow him to kiww him? Have I nyot, at de pwace I did 
appoint? 
E-EVANS. As I am a Chwistians souw, nyow, wook y-you, this is the 
pwace appointed. I'ww be judgment ^w^ by minye host of the 
Gawtew. 
HOST. >w< Peace, I say, Gawwia and Gauw, Fwench and Wewsh, 
souw-cuwew and body-cuwew. 
CAIUS. :33 Ay, dat is vewy uWu good! :3 excewwent! 
HOST. >w< Peace, I say. Heaw minye host of the Gawtew. Am I 
powitic? am I subtwe? am I a Machiavew? Shaww I wose my 
doctow? Nyo; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shaww I 
wose my pawson, my pwiest, my Siw Hugh? Nyo; he gives me 
the p-pwovewbs and the nyovewbs. Give me t-thy hand, tewwestwiaw; 
so. Give me t-thy hand, c-cewestiaw; so. Boys of awt, I have 
deceiv'd you both; I have diwected you to wwong ^w^ pwaces; 
youw heawts awe mighty, youw skins awe whowe, and wet buwnt 
sack be the uWu issue. Come, *looks at you* way t-theiw ^w^ swowds to pawn. Fowwow 
me, wads of *screams* peace; fowwow, fowwow, fowwow. 
SHAWWOW. Twust me, a mad host. Fowwow, gentwemen, fowwow. 
SWENDEW. OwO [Aside] O sweet :33 Annye Page! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but CAIUS and EVANS 
CAIUS. ^.^ Ha, do I p-pewceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, 
ha, ha? 
E-EVANS. This is weww; he has made us his vwouting-stog. I 
desiwe you *sweats* that we may be f-fwiends; and wet us knyog o-ouw pwains 
togethew to be *shuffles closer* wevenge *teleports behind you* on this same :33 scaww, scuwvy, cogging 
companyion, the host of the Gawtew. 
CAIUS. By gaw, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. He pwomise to b-bwing me 
whewe is :33 Annye Page; ^w^ by gaw, he d-deceive me too. 
E-EVANS. *sighs* Weww, I wiww smite his ^-^ nyoddwes. *twerks* Pway you fowwow. 
UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE 2. 

The UwU stweet in Windsow 

Entew MISTWESS P-PAGE and WOBIN 

MWS. PAGE. Nyay, keep youw way, wittwe gawwant; you wewe 
wont to be a fowwowew, xDD but n-nyow you awe a weadew. Whethew 
h-had you wathew wead minye e-eyes, *blushes* ow eye youw m-mastew's heews? 
WOBIN. I h-had wathew, f-fowsooth, go befowe you wike a man than 
f-fowwow him wike a d-dwawf. 
MWS. PAGE. O, you awe a *cuddles you* fwattewing b-boy; n-nyow I see y-you'ww be a 
*leans over* couwtiew. 

Entew FOWD 

*notices bulge* FOWD. Weww met, Mistwess Page. Whithew go you? 
MWS. PAGE. Twuwy, siw, to see youw wife. *looks at you* Is she at home? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *pokes you* Ay; and as idwe as she may hang togethew, fow want of 
company. I think, if youw husbands wewe dead, you xDD two 
^.^ wouwd mawwy. 
MWS. PAGE. Be suwe of that-two othew h-husbands. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Whewe h-had you this pwetty weathewcock? 
MWS. PAGE. I cannyot teww w-what the dickens his nyame is my 
h-husband h-had him of. What do you *giggles shyly* caww youw knyight's 
nyame, siwwah? 
WOBIN. Siw John Fawstaff. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Siw John F-Fawstaff! 
MWS. PAGE. He, he; I can nyevew hit o-on's nyame. *cries* Thewe is such 
a *shuffles closer* weague between my good man and he! *looks at you* Is youw wife at 
h-home indeed? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Indeed she is. 
MWS. PAGE. By youw weave, siw. I am sick tiww I see hew. 
UwU Exeunt MWS. P-PAGE and WOBIN 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Has Page any bwains? Hath he any uWu eyes? Hath he any 
thinking? Suwe, they sweep; he hath nyo use of them. W-Why, 
this *cries* boy wiww cawwy a wettew twenty miwe as e-easy as a cannyon 
wiww shoot pointbwank t-twewve scowe. He pieces out his wife's 
incwinyation; he gives h-hew fowwy motion and advantage; and 
n-nyow she's g-going to my wife, and Fawstaff's *cries* boy *pokes you* with hew. A 
man may heaw this show'w sing in the wind. And Fawstaff's 
*cries* boy *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! Good p-pwots! They awe waid; and o-ouw *giggles shyly* wevowted 
wives shawe damnyation togethew. W-Weww; I wiww take him, 
then towtuwe my wife, pwuck the bowwowed veiw of modesty 
fwom the so seeming Mistwess Page, divuwge Page himsewf 
fow a secuwe and wiwfuw *screams* Actaeon; and to these viowent pwoceedings 
aww my nyeighbouws shaww cwy uWu aim. [-[Cwock stwikes] 
The cwock gives me my cue, and my *sweats* assuwance b-bids me 
seawch; thewe I shaww find Fawstaff. I shaww be wathew pwais'd 
fow this than mock'd; fow *moans* it is as positive as the eawth is fiwm 
*sweats* that Fawstaff is thewe. I wiww go. 

Entew PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, OwO SWENDEW, HOST, SIW HUGH EVANS, 
*pokes you* CAIUS, and WUGBY 

S-SHAWWOW, PAGE, &C. Weww met, Mastew Fowd. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Twust me, a good knyot; I have good cheew at home, 
and I pway you aww go *pokes you* with me. 
SHAWWOW. I must excuse *twerks* mysewf, Mastew Fowd. 
SWENDEW. And so must I, siw; we have appointed to dinye *pokes you* with 
Mistwess Annye, and I ^.^ wouwd nyot bweak *pokes you* with h-hew fow mowe 
monyey than I'ww speak of. 
SHAWWOW. We have wingew'd a-about a match between :33 Annye 
Page and my c-cousin *pokes you* Swendew, and this day we shaww have 
o-ouw answew. 
SWENDEW. I hope I have youw good wiww, fathew Page. 
PAGE. Y-You h-have, Mastew Swendew; I *looks at you* stand w-whowwy fow you. But 
my wife, Mastew Doctow, is fow you awtogethew. 
CAIUS. :33 Ay, be-gaw; and de maid is *notices bulge* wove-a me; my *giggles shyly* nyuwsh-a 
Quickwy teww me so *cries* mush. 
HOST. What say you to young Mastew >_> Fenton? He capews, 
he dances, he has eyes of >_< youth, he wwites v-vewses, he speaks 
howiday, he smewws Apwiw and May; he wiww cawwy *leans over* 't, he wiww 
cawwy '-'t; 'tis in his *looks away* buttons; he wiww cawwy 't. 
PAGE. Nyot ^w^ by my consent, I pwomise you. The gentweman is 
of nyo having: he kept company *pokes you* with the w-wiwd Pwince and 
Poins; he is of too ^.^ high a wegion, he *looks away* knyows too much. N-Nyo, 
he shaww nyot knyit a knyot in his *sighs* fowtunyes *pokes you* with the fingew of 
my substance; if he take hew, wet him take h-hew simpwy; the 
*giggles shyly* weawth I have w-waits *teleports behind you* on my consent, and my consent goes 
nyot *sweats* that way. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I beseech y-you, heawtiwy, *blushes* some of you go h-home *pokes you* with me 
to *hugs tightly* dinnyew: besides youw cheew, you shaww have spowt; I wiww 
show you a monstew. Mastew Doctow, you shaww go; so shaww 
y-you, Mastew Page; and y-you, Siw Hugh. 
SHAWWOW. *sighs* Weww, fawe you weww; we shaww have the fweew 
wooing at Mastew Page's. UwU Exeunt SHAWWOW and SWENDEW 
CAIUS. Go home, John Wugby; I come anyon. Exit WUGBY 
HOST. Faweweww, my heawts; I wiww to my honyest knyight 
Fawstaff, and ^-^ dwink c-canyawy *pokes you* with him. Exit HOST 
*notices bulge* FOWD. OwO [Aside] I think I shaww ^-^ dwink in pipe-winye f-fiwst *pokes you* with 
him. I'ww make him dance. Wiww you *screams* go, gentwes? 
AWW. Have *pokes you* with you to see this monstew. UwU Exeunt 




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SCENyE 3-3. 

FOWD'S h-house 

Entew MISTWESS FOWD and MISTWESS P-PAGE 

MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What, John! what, R-Wobewt! 
MWS. PAGE. Quickwy, quickwy! *looks at you* Is the buck-basket- 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I w-wawwant. What, Wobin, I say! 

Entew SEWVANTS *pokes you* with a ;;w;; basket 

MWS. PAGE. Come, come, come. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *shuffles closer* Hewe, set *moans* it :33 down. 
MWS. PAGE. Give youw men the chawge; we must be bwief. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Mawwy, as I towd you befowe, John and Wobewt, be 
r-weady x3 hewe hawd ^w^ by in the bwew-house; and when I suddenwy 
*giggles shyly* caww y-you, come fowth, and, without any *sighs* pause *blushes* ow 
staggewing, take this ;;w;; basket *teleports behind you* on youw shouwdews. *teleports behind you* That donye, 
twudge *pokes you* with *moans* it in aww haste, and cawwy *moans* it among the whitstews 
in >w< Datchet M-Mead, and thewe empty *moans* it in the muddy ditch 
cwose ^w^ by the Thames s-side. 
Mws. PAGE. Y-You wiww do it? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I ha' towd them ovew and ovew; they wack nyo 
d-diwection. Be :3 gonye, and come when you awe *shuffles closer* caww'd. 
UwU Exeunt SEWVANTS 
MWS. PAGE. Hewe c-comes wittwe R-Wobin. 

Entew WOBIN 

MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. H-How nyow, my e-eyas-musket, w-what nyews *pokes you* with 
you? 
WOBIN. My Mastew Siw John is come in at youw back-doow, 
Mistwess *screams* Fowd, and wequests youw company. 
MWS. PAGE. Y-You wittwe J-Jack-a-Went, have you been twue to us? 
WOBIN. :33 Ay, I'ww be swown. My mastew *looks away* knyows nyot of youw 
being hewe, and hath thweat'nyed to p-put me into evewwasting 
wibewty, if I teww you of it; fow he sweaws he'ww tuwn me a-away. 
MWS. PAGE. *moans* Thou 'wt a good b-boy; this secwecy of thinye shaww 
be a t-taiwow to ^w^ thee, and shaww make thee a nyew doubwet and 
h-hose. I'ww go hide me. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Do so. Go teww t-thy mastew I am awonye. [Exit 
R-WOBIN] Mistwess Page, wemembew you youw cue. 
MWS. PAGE. I wawwant thee; if I do nyot act it, :3 hiss me. 
Exit MWS. P-PAGE 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Go to, then; we'ww use this unwhowesome 
humidity, this gwoss wat'wy pumpion; we'ww teach him to 
knyow tuwtwes fwom jays. 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. Have I caught ^w^ thee, my heavenwy *sweats* jewew? 
W-Why, n-nyow wet me die, fow I have wiv'd wong enyough; this is 
the pewiod of my ambition. O this bwessed houw! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. O sweet Siw John! 
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess *screams* Fowd, I cannyot c-cog, I cannyot pwate, 
Mistwess Fowd. >_> Nyow shaww I sin in my w-wish; I ^.^ wouwd t-thy 
h-husband wewe d-dead; I'ww speak *moans* it befowe the best wowd, I 
^.^ wouwd make thee my wady. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I youw wady, Siw *sighs* John? A-Awas, I shouwd be a pitifuw 
wady. 
FAWSTAFF. Wet the couwt of F-Fwance show me such anyothew. I 
see how thinye eye ^.^ wouwd emuwate the diamond; thou hast 
the wight *twerks* awched beauty of the b-bwow *sweats* that becomes the 
ship-tiwe, the ^-^ tiwe-vawiant, *blushes* ow any tiwe of Venyetian admittance. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. A pwain k-kewchief, Siw John; my bwows become 
nyothing e-ewse, n-nyow *sweats* that weww *leans over* nyeithew. 
FAWSTAFF. By the Wowd, thou awt a tywant to say so; thou 
wouwdst make an absowute c-couwtiew, and the fiwm *screams* fixtuwe of 
t-thy f-foot ^.^ wouwd give an excewwent motion to t-thy gait in a 
semi-ciwcwed f-fawthingawe. I see w-what thou wewt, if ^w^ Fowtunye 
t-thy foe wewe, nyot >w< Nyatuwe, t-thy fwiend. Come, thou ;;w;; canst nyot 
hide it. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Bewieve me, thewe's nyo such thing in me. 
FAWSTAFF. What made me wove *moans* thee? Wet *sweats* that pewsuade thee 
thewe's s-something ^w^ extwa-owdinyawy in thee. Come, I cannyot 
c-cog, and say thou awt this and that, wike a many of these 
wisping hawthown-buds *sweats* that come wike women in men's 
appawew, and smeww wike ^-^ Buckwewsbuwy in simpwe time; I 
*sweats* cannyot; xDD but I wove ^w^ thee, nyonye xDD but thee; and thou *looks away* desewv'st it. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Do nyot betway me, siw; I feaw you wove Mistwess 
Page. 
FAWSTAFF. *moans* Thou mightst as weww say I wove to wawk ^w^ by the 
Countew-gate, which is as *sweats* hatefuw to me as the week of a 
*notices bulge* wime-kiwn. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *sighs* Weww, heaven *looks away* knyows how I wove you; and you 
shaww onye day find it. 
FAWSTAFF. Keep in *sweats* that mind; I'ww desewve it. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, I must teww y-you, so you do; *blushes* ow e-ewse I couwd 
nyot be in *sweats* that mind. 
WOBIN. [Within] Mistwess *screams* Fowd, Mistwess Fowd! hewe's 
Mistwess Page at the doow, s-sweating and bwowing and wooking 
wiwdwy, and ^.^ wouwd ;;w;; nyeeds speak *pokes you* with you pwesentwy. 
FAWSTAFF. She shaww nyot see me; I wiww ensconce me UwU behind 
the *looks at you* awwas. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *twerks* Pway y-you, do so; she's a vewy tattwing woman. 
[FAWSTAFF hides himsewf] 

We-entew MISTWESS P-PAGE and WOBIN 

What's the m-mattew? H-How nyow! 
MWS. PAGE. O Mistwess *screams* Fowd, w-what have you donye? You'we 
sham'd, y'awe o-ovewthwown, y'awe undonye fow evew. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What's the mattew, good Mistwess Page? 
MWS. PAGE. O weww-a-day, Mistwess *screams* Fowd, having an honyest 
man to youw husband, to give him such c-cause of suspicion! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What c-cause of suspicion? 
MWS. PAGE. What c-cause of suspicion? Out upon y-you, how 
am I m-mistook in y-you! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, awas, what's the m-mattew? 
MWS. PAGE. Youw husband's coming h-hithew, woman, *pokes you* with aww 
the *looks at you* officews in *sighs* Windsow, to seawch fow a gentweman *sweats* that he 
says is x3 hewe n-nyow in the *notices bulge* house, ^w^ by youw consent, to take an 
iww advantage of his absence. Y-You awe UwU undonye. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. 'Tis nyot so, I hope. 
MWS. PAGE. *twerks* Pway heaven *moans* it be nyot so *sweats* that you have such a 
man h-hewe; xDD but 'tis most cewtain youw husband's c-coming, 
*pokes you* with h-hawf Windsow at his heews, to seawch fow such a onye. I 
come befowe to teww you. If you knyow youwsewf cweaw, why, 
I am gwad of it; xDD but if you have a fwiend hewe, convey, 
convey him ^w^ out. Be nyot *sweats* amaz'd; *giggles shyly* caww aww youw senses to you; 
defend youw weputation, *blushes* ow bid faweweww to youw good wife 
fow evew. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What shaww I do? *cries* Thewe is a g-gentweman, my deaw 
fwiend; and I feaw nyot minye own shame as much as his pewiw. 
I h-had wathew than a thousand pound he wewe out of the 
house. 
MWS. PAGE. F-Fow shame, nyevew *looks at you* stand 'you h-had wathew' and 'you 
h-had wathew'! Youw husband's x3 hewe at hand; bethink you of 
*blushes* some conveyance; in the h-house you cannyot hide him. O, 
how have you deceiv'd me! Wook, x3 hewe is a basket; if he be 
of any r-weasonyabwe statuwe, he may cweep in h-hewe; and thwow 
f-fouw winyen upon him, as if *moans* it wewe g-going to b-bucking, ow-it is 
whiting-time-send him ^w^ by youw xDD two men to >w< Datchet 
Mead. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. He's too big to go in thewe. What shaww I do? 
FAWSTAFF. [-[Coming f-fowwawd] Wet me see *leans over* 't, wet me see 't. O, 
wet me see '-'t! I'ww in, I'ww in; f-fowwow youw fwiend's counsew; 
I'ww i-in. 
MWS. PAGE. What, Siw John F-Fawstaff! [Aside to FAWSTAFF] 
Awe these youw wettews, knyight? 
FAWSTAFF. [Aside to MWS. >w< PAGE] I wove thee and nyonye xDD but 
thee; hewp me away.-Wet me cweep in h-hewe; I'ww nyevew- 
[Gets into the basket; they covew him *pokes you* with f-fouw *blushes* winyen] 
MWS. PAGE. Hewp to covew youw mastew, boy. Caww youw men, 
Mistwess Fowd. Y-You dissembwing knyight! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What, John! R-Wobewt! John! Exit WOBIN 

We-entew SEWVANTS 

Go, take up these cwothes hewe, x3 quickwy; whewe's the 
coww-staff? Wook how you x3 dwumbwe. Cawwy them to the waundwess 
in >w< Datchet Mead; quickwy, come. 

Entew FOWD, PAGE, *pokes you* CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

*notices bulge* FOWD. *twerks* Pway you come nyeaw. If I suspect without x3 cause, why 
then make spowt at me, then wet me be youw *leans over* jest; I desewve 
it. H-How nyow, whithew beaw you *sweats* this? 
SEWVANT. To the waundwess, fowsooth. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, w-what have you to do whithew they beaw it? 
Y-You wewe best meddwe *pokes you* with buck-washing. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *leans over* Buck? I ^.^ wouwd I couwd wash m-mysewf of the buck! 
Buck, buck, buck! ay, buck! I wawwant y-you, buck; and of 
the season too, *moans* it shaww a-appeaw. [Exeunt SEWVANTS *pokes you* with 
basket] Gentwemen, I have dweam'd to-nyight; I'ww teww you my 
dweam. *shuffles closer* Hewe, hewe, x3 hewe be my keys; ascend my chambews, 
seawch, >w< seek, find ^w^ out. I'ww wawwant we'ww unkennyew the fox. 
Wet me stop this way fiwst. [Wocking the doow] >_> So, n-nyow 
uncape. 
PAGE. Good Mastew *screams* Fowd, be contented; you wwong youwsewf 
too much. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Twue, Mastew Page. Up, gentwemen, you shaww see spowt 
anyon; f-fowwow me, gentwemen. Exit 
E-EVANS. This is f-fewy fantasticaw humouws and jeawousies. 
CAIUS. By gaw, 'tis nyo the fashion of Fwance; *moans* it is nyot jeawous 
in Fwance. 
PAGE. Nyay, f-fowwow him, gentwemen; see the issue of his 
seawch. UwU Exeunt EVANS, PAGE, and CAIUS 
MWS. PAGE. *looks at you* Is thewe nyot a doubwe excewwency in *sweats* this? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I knyow nyot which pweases me *blushes* bettew, *sweats* that my 
h-husband is deceived, *blushes* ow Siw John. 
MWS. PAGE. What a taking was he in when youw h-husband 
ask'd w-who was in the basket! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I am h-hawf afwaid he wiww have nyeed of w-washing; so 
t-thwowing him into the watew wiww do him a b-benyefit. 
MWS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonyest wascaw! I ^.^ wouwd aww of the 
same s-stwain wewe in the same *hugs tightly* distwess. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I think my h-husband hath *blushes* some speciaw suspicion 
of Fawstaff's being hewe, fow I nyevew *moans* saw him so gwoss in his 
j-jeawousy tiww nyow. 
MWS. PAGE. I Wiww *looks at you* way a pwot to t-twy that, and we wiww yet have 
mowe twicks *pokes you* with Fawstaff. His *moans* dissowute disease wiww x3 scawce 
obey this *looks away* medicinye. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Shaww we send *sweats* that foowish cawwion, Mistwess 
Quickwy, to him, and excuse his t-thwowing into the watew, 
and give him anyothew hope, to betway him to anyothew 
punyishment? 
MWS. PAGE. We wiww do it; wet him be OwO sent fow to-mowwow 
eight *screams* o'cwock, to have amends. 

We-entew FOWD, PAGE, *pokes you* CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

*notices bulge* FOWD. I cannyot find :3 him; may be the knyave bwagg'd of *sweats* that 
he couwd nyot compass. 
MWS. PAGE. [Aside to MWS. F-FOWD] Heawd you that? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Y-You use me weww, Mastew *screams* Fowd, do you? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. :33 Ay, I do so. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *pokes you* Heaven make you bettew than youw thoughts! 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Amen. 
MWS. PAGE. Y-You do youwsewf mighty wwong, Mastew Fowd. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. :33 Ay, a-ay; I must beaw it. 
E-EVANS. If thewe be any pody in the *notices bulge* house, and in the 
chambews, and in the coffews, and in the pwesses, heaven f-fowgive 
my sins at the day of judgment! 
CAIUS. Be gaw, n-nyow I too; thewe is nyo bodies. 
PAGE. Fie, fie, Mastew *screams* Fowd, awe you nyot asham'd? What 
spiwit, w-what deviw *screams* suggests this imaginyation? I ^.^ wouwd nyot ha' 
youw d-distempew in this k-kind fow the *giggles shyly* weawth of Windsow 
Castwe. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. 'Tis my fauwt, Mastew Page; I suffew fow it. 
E-EVANS. Y-You suffew fow a pad conscience. Youw wife is as 
honyest a omans as I wiww desiwes among five thousand, and five 
hundwed too. 
CAIUS. By gaw, I see 'tis an honyest woman. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *sighs* Weww, I pwomis'd you a dinnyew. Come, come, wawk in 
the P-Pawk. I pway you pawdon me; I wiww heweaftew make 
*teleports behind you* knyown to you why I have donye this. Come, wife, come, 
Mistwess Page; I pway you pawdon me; pway heawtwy, 
pawdon me. 
PAGE. Wet's go in, gentwemen; but, twust me, we'ww mock him. 
I do invite you to-mowwow mownying to my h-house to bweakfast; 
aftew, we'ww a-biwding togethew; I have a finye *cuddles you* hawk fow 
the b-bush. Shaww *moans* it be *moans* so? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Any thing. 
E-EVANS. If thewe is ^.^ onye, I shaww make xDD two in the company. 
CAIUS. If thewe be onye *blushes* ow t-two, I shaww make-a the tuwd. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *twerks* Pway you *screams* go, Mastew Page. 
E-EVANS. I pway you nyow, wemembwance to-mowwow *teleports behind you* on the 
l-wousy knyave, minye host. 
CAIUS. Dat is good; ^w^ by gaw, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
E-EVANS. A l-wousy knyave, to have his gibes and his mockewies! 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

B-Befowe P-PAGE'S h-house 

Entew FENTON and ANNyE P-PAGE 

F-FENTON. I see I cannyot get t-thy fathew's wove; 
Thewefowe nyo mowe tuwn me to him, sweet Nyan. 
ANNyE. A-Awas, how then? 
F-FENTON. W-Why, thou must be thysewf. 
He doth object I am too gweat of biwth; 
And that, my state being gaww'd *pokes you* with my e-expense, 
I seek to heaw *moans* it onwy ^w^ by his weawth. 
Besides these, othew baws he ways befowe me, 
My wiots *moans* past, my w-wiwd *screams* societies; 
And tewws me 'tis a thing impossibwe 
I shouwd wove thee xDD but as a pwopewty. 
*looks away* ANNyE.. May be he tewws you twue. 
F-FENTON. N-Nyo, heaven so speed me in my time to come! 
Awbeit I wiww *cuddles you* confess t-thy fathew's *giggles shyly* weawth 
*hugs tightly* Was the f-fiwst motive *sweats* that I woo'd ^w^ thee, Annye; 
Yet, wooing ^w^ thee, I ^w^ found thee of mowe vawue 
*notices bulge* Than stamps in gowd, *blushes* ow x3 sums in seawed bags; 
And 'tis the vewy wiches of thysewf 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow I aim at. 
ANNyE. Gentwe Mastew Fenton, 
Y-Yet seek my fathew's wove; stiww seek it, siw. 
If oppowtunyity and humbwest suit 
Cannyot attain it, why then-hawk you *looks at you* hithew. 
[They convewse apawt] 

Entew S-SHAWWOW, OwO SWENDEW, and MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

SHAWWOW. Bweak t-theiw tawk, Mistwess Quickwy; my kinsman 
shaww speak fow h-himsewf. 
SWENDEW. I'ww make a shaft *blushes* ow a xDD bowt *teleports behind you* on '-'t; UwU 'swid, 'tis xDD but 
ventuwing. 
SHAWWOW. Be nyot dismay'd. 
SWENDEW. N-Nyo, she shaww nyot dismay me. I OwO cawe nyot fow that, 
xDD but *sweats* that I am afeawd. 
QUICKWY. Hawk y-ye, Mastew Swendew ^.^ wouwd speak a wowd 
*pokes you* with you. 
ANNyE. I come to him. OwO [Aside] This is my fathew's choice. 
O, w-what a wowwd of viwe iww-favouw'd fauwts 
*looks at you* Wooks handsome in thwee hundwed *cuddles you* pounds a uWu yeaw! 
QUICKWY. And how does good Mastew >_> Fenton? *twerks* Pway y-you, a 
wowd *pokes you* with you. 
SHAWWOW. S-She's coming; to hew, coz. O boy, thou hadst a 
fathew! 
SWENDEW. I h-had a fathew, Mistwess Annye; my uncwe can teww 
you good jests of him. *twerks* Pway y-you, uncwe, teww Mistwess :33 Annye 
the jest how my fathew s-stowe xDD two geese out of a p-pen, good 
uncwe. 
SHAWWOW. Mistwess Annye, my c-cousin woves you. 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, *sweats* that I do; as weww as I wove any woman in 
*shuffles closer* Gwoucestewshiwe. 
SHAWWOW. He wiww m-maintain you wike a gentwewoman. 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, *sweats* that I wiww come cut and wongtaiw, undew the 
degwee of a squiwe. 
SHAWWOW. He wiww make you a hundwed and fifty *cuddles you* pounds 
jointuwe. 
ANNyE. Good Mastew Shawwow, wet him woo fow h-himsewf. 
SHAWWOW. Mawwy, I t-thank you fow it; I t-thank you fow *sweats* that 
good comfowt. She cawws y-you, coz; I'ww weave you. 
ANNyE. Nyow, Mastew Swendew- 
SWENDEW. Nyow, good Mistwess A-Annye- 
ANNyE. What is youw wiww? 
SWENDEW. My Wiww! 'Od's heawtwings, that's a pwetty jest 
indeed! I nye'ew made my wiww yet, I t-thank heaven; I am nyot 
such a sickwy cweatuwe, I give heaven p-pwaise. 
ANNyE. I mean, Mastew *pokes you* Swendew, w-what ^.^ wouwd you *pokes you* with me? 
SWENDEW. Twuwy, fow minye own *cries* pawt I ^.^ wouwd wittwe *blushes* ow nyothing 
*pokes you* with you. Youw fathew and my uncwe hath made motions; 
if *moans* it be my wuck, so; if nyot, happy man be his dowe! They 
can teww you how things go bettew than I c-can. Y-You may ask 
youw f-fathew; x3 hewe he c-comes. 

Entew P-PAGE and MISTWESS P-PAGE 

PAGE. Nyow, Mastew Swendew! Wove him, daughtew A-Annye- 
W-Why, how nyow, w-what does Mastew F-Fenton hewe? 
Y-You wwong me, siw, t-thus stiww to haunt my house. 
I towd y-you, siw, my daughtew is dispos'd of. 
F-FENTON. Nyay, Mastew Page, be nyot impatient. 
MWS. PAGE. Good Mastew Fenton, come nyot to my chiwd. 
PAGE. She is nyo match fow you. 
F-FENTON. Siw, wiww you heaw me? 
PAGE. N-Nyo, good Mastew ^.^ Fenton. 
Come, Mastew :33 Shawwow; come, son Swendew; i-in. 
Knyowing my *leans over* mind, you wwong me, Mastew ^.^ Fenton. 
UwU Exeunt PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW 
QUICKWY. Speak to Mistwess Page. 
F-FENTON. Good Mistwess Page, fow *sweats* that I wove youw daughtew 
In such a wighteous fashion as I do, 
uWu Pewfowce, against aww checks, r-webukes, and mannyews, 
I must advance the cowouws of my wove, 
And nyot wetiwe. Wet me have youw good wiww. 
ANNyE. Good m-mothew, do nyot mawwy me to :3 yond foow. 
MWS. PAGE. I *looks at you* mean *moans* it nyot; I seek you a bettew husband. 
QUICKWY. That's my mastew, Mastew Doctow. 
ANNyE. A-Awas, I h-had wathew be set quick i-i' th' eawth. 
And boww'd to death *pokes you* with tuwnyips. 
MWS. PAGE. Come, t-twoubwe nyot youwsewf. Good Mastew 
Fenton, 
I wiww nyot be youw f-fwiend, n-nyow enyemy; 
My daughtew wiww I question how she woves y-you, 
And as I find hew, so am I affected; 
Tiww then, faweweww, siw; she must ;;w;; nyeeds go in; 
Hew fathew wiww be :3 angwy. 
F-FENTON. Faweweww, g-gentwe mistwess; faweweww, Nyan. 
UwU Exeunt MWS. P-PAGE and ANNyE 
QUICKWY. This is my doing nyow: '-'Nyay,' s-said I 'wiww you OwO cast 
away youw xDD chiwd *teleports behind you* on a foow, and a *cries* physician? Wook *teleports behind you* on 
Mastew Fenton.' This is my d-doing. 
F-FENTON. I t-thank thee; and I pway ^w^ thee, once to-nyight 
Give my sweet Nyan this wing. >_> Thewe's fow t-thy p-pains. 
QUICKWY. >_> Nyow *pokes you* Heaven send thee good f-fowtunye! [Exit 
FENTON] A k-kind heawt he hath; a woman ^.^ wouwd wun uWu thwough 
fiwe and watew fow such a k-kind heawt. But yet I ^.^ wouwd my 
mastew h-had Mistwess Annye; *blushes* ow I ^.^ wouwd Mastew Swendew h-had 
hew; *cries* ow, in sooth, I ^.^ wouwd Mastew F-Fenton h-had hew; I wiww 
do w-what I can fow them aww thwee, fow so I have pwomis'd, 
and I'ww be as good as my wowd; xDD but speciouswy fow Mastew 
^.^ Fenton. *sighs* Weww, I must of anyothew ewwand to Siw John Fawstaff 
fwom my xDD two mistwesses. What a beast am I to swack it! 
Exit 




SCENyE 5. 

The Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew FAWSTAFF and *screams* BAWDOWPH 

FAWSTAFF. Bawdowph, I say! 
BAWDOWPH. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Go fetch me a quawt of s-sack; p-put a toast in 't. 
Exit *screams* BAWDOWPH 
Have I wiv'd to be cawwied in a b-basket, wike a bawwow of 
butchew's offaw, and to be thwown in the Thames? *sighs* Weww, if 
I be sewv'd such anyothew twick, I'ww have my xDD bwains t-ta'en out 
and buttew'd, and give them to a dog fow a nyew-yeaw's gift. 
The wogues swighted me into the wivew *pokes you* with as wittwe wemowse 
as they ^.^ wouwd have *notices bulge* dwown'd a bwind bitch's *sweats* puppies, fifteen 
i-i' th' wittew; and you may knyow ^w^ by my size *sweats* that I have 
a k-kind of awacwity in sinking; if the bottom wewe as deep as 
heww I shouwd :33 down. I h-had been *notices bulge* dwown'd xDD but *sweats* that the showe 
was shewvy and shawwow-a death *sweats* that I abhow; fow the watew 
*looks away* swewws a man; and w-what a thing shouwd I have been when 
h-had been sweww'd! I shouwd have been a mountain of 
mummy. 

We-entew B-BAWDOWPH, *pokes you* with sack 

BAWDOWPH. H-Hewe's Mistwess Quickwy, siw, to speak *pokes you* with you 
FAWSTAFF. Come, wet me *blushes* pouw in *blushes* some sack to the Thames 
watew; fow my bewwy's as cowd as if I h-had swawwow'd 
snyowbawws fow piwws to coow the weins. Caww h-hew i-in. 
BAWDOWPH. Come in, woman. 

Entew MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

QUICKWY. By youw weave; I cwy you mewcy. Give youw 
wowship good mowwow. 
FAWSTAFF. Take away these chawices. Go, bwew me a pottwe 
of sack finyewy. 
BAWDOWPH. With eggs, s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF. Simpwe of itsewf; I'ww nyo puwwet-spewm in my 
bwewage. [Exit BAWDOWPH] H-How nyow! 
QUICKWY. Mawwy, siw, I come to youw wowship fwom Mistwess 
Fowd. 
FAWSTAFF. Mistwess Fowd! I have h-had fowd enyough; I was 
thwown into the fowd; I have my bewwy fuww of f-fowd. 
QUICKWY. A-Awas the day, good h-heawt, *sweats* that was nyot h-hew fauwt! 
She does so take *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with h-hew men; they m-mistook t-theiw 
*looks at you* ewection. 
FAWSTAFF. So did I minye, to buiwd upon a foowish woman's 
pwomise. 
QUICKWY. *sighs* Weww, she waments, siw, fow it, *sweats* that *moans* it ^.^ wouwd yeawn 
youw heawt to see it. Hew h-husband goes this mownying 
a-biwding; she desiwes you once mowe to come to h-hew between 
eight and nyinye; I must cawwy h-hew wowd quickwy. She'ww make 
you amends, I wawwant you. 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Weww, I Wiww visit hew. Teww h-hew so; and bid h-hew 
think w-what a man is. Wet h-hew considew his f-fwaiwty, and then 
judge of my ^-^ mewit. 
QUICKWY. I wiww teww hew. 
FAWSTAFF. Do so. B-Between nyinye and ten, say'st thou? 
QUICKWY. Eight and nyinye, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Weww, be gonye; I wiww nyot miss hew. 
QUICKWY. Peace be *pokes you* with y-you, siw. Exit 
FAWSTAFF. I mawvew I heaw nyot of Mastew Bwook; he OwO sent me 
wowd to >_< stay *looks at you* within. I wike his monyey weww. O, x3 hewe he 
c-comes. 

Entew FOWD disguised 

*notices bulge* FOWD. *notices bulge* Bwess y-you, siw! 
FAWSTAFF. Nyow, Mastew Bwook, you come to knyow w-what 
hath pass'd between me and Fowd's wife? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. That, indeed, Siw John, is my businyess. 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Bwook, I wiww nyot wie to you; I was at h-hew 
h-house the houw she appointed me. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. And sped y-you, s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF. Vewy *pokes you* iww-favouwedwy, Mastew Bwook. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. H-How so, siw; did she change h-hew detewminyation? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyo. Mastew Bwook; xDD but the peaking cownyuto h-hew 
husband, Mastew Bwook, dwewwing in a c-continyuaw *notices bulge* 'wawum of 
j-jeawousy, c-comes me in the instant of ouw, encountew, aftew 
we h-had embwac'd, kiss'd, pwotested, and, as *moans* it wewe, s-spoke 
the p-pwowogue of o-ouw comedy; and at his h-heews a wabbwe of his 
companyions, thithew pwovoked and instigated ^w^ by his 
*leans over* distempew, and, f-fowsooth, to seawch his h-house fow his wife's 
wove. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. What, whiwe you wewe thewe? 
FAWSTAFF. Whiwe I was thewe. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. And did he seawch fow y-you, and couwd nyot find you? 
FAWSTAFF. Y-You shaww *sighs* heaw. As good wuck ^.^ wouwd have it, c-comes 
in onye Mistwess Page, gives intewwigence of Fowd's ^w^ appwoach; 
and, in h-hew invention and Fowd's wife's distwaction, they 
convey'd me into a buck-basket. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. A buck-basket! 
FAWSTAFF. By the Wowd, a buck-basket! Wamm'd me in *pokes you* with 
f-fouw shiwts and smocks, socks, f-fouw stockings, *pokes you* gweasy 
nyapkins, that, Mastew Bwook, thewe was the x3 wankest compound 
of *moans* viwwainyous smeww *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew offended nyostwiw. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. And how wong *looks at you* way you thewe? 
FAWSTAFF. Nyay, you shaww heaw, Mastew Bwook, w-what I have 
s-suffew'd to b-bwing this woman to eviw fow youw good. Being 
t-thus *sighs* cwamm'd in the b-basket, a c-coupwe of Fowd's knyaves, his 
hinds, wewe c-caww'd f-fowth ^w^ by t-theiw *notices bulge* mistwess to cawwy me in 
the nyame of f-fouw cwothes to >w< Datchet Wanye; they t-took me *teleports behind you* on 
t-theiw shouwdews; m-met the jeawous knyave t-theiw mastew in the 
d-doow; w-who ask'd them once *blushes* ow t-twice w-what they h-had in t-theiw 
basket. I quak'd fow feaw west the wunyatic knyave ^.^ wouwd have 
seawch'd it; xDD but Fate, owdainying he shouwd be a cuckowd, 
hewd his hand. *sighs* Weww, *teleports behind you* on went he fow a seawch, and away 
went I fow f-fouw cwothes. But mawk the sequew, Mastew 
Bwook-I suffewed the pangs of thwee sevewaw deaths: fiwst, 
an intowewabwe fwight to be detected *pokes you* with a jeawous wotten 
beww-wethew; nyext, to be c-compass'd wike a good biwbo in the 
ciwcumfewence of a peck, *looks away* hiwt to point, heew to *sighs* head; and 
then, to be stopp'd in, wike a stwong distiwwation, *pokes you* with 
stinking cwothes *sweats* that fwetted in t-theiw own gwease. Think of *sweats* that 
-a man of my kidnyey. Think of OwO that-that am as subject to 
heat as buttew; a man of c-continyuaw dissowution and xDD thaw. It 
was a miwacwe to scape OwO suffocation. And in the height of 
this ^w^ bath, when I was mowe than hawf-stew'd in gwease, wike 
a Dutch dish, to be thwown into the Thames, and *shuffles closer* coow'd, 
gwowing hot, in *sweats* that *twerks* suwge, wike a howse-shoe; think of *sweats* that 
---hissing hot. Think of that, Mastew Bwook. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. In good sadnyess, siw, I am sowwy *sweats* that fow my sake you 
have s-suffew'd aww this. My suit, then, is d-despewate; 
y-you'ww UwU undewtake h-hew nyo mowe. 
FAWSTAFF. Mastew Bwook, I wiww be thwown into Etnya, as I 
have been into Thames, ewe I wiww weave h-hew thus. Hew 
h-husband is this mownying g-gonye a-biwding; I have r-weceived fwom 
h-hew anyothew embassy of meeting; 'twixt eight and nyinye is 
the houw, Mastew Bwook. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. 'Tis past eight awweady, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. *looks at you* Is it? I Wiww then addwess me to my appointment. 
Come to me at youw convenyient *screams* weisuwe, and you shaww 
knyow how I speed; and the concwusion shaww be *giggles shyly* cwownyed 
*pokes you* with youw enjoying hew. Adieu. Y-You shaww have hew, Mastew 
Bwook; Mastew Bwook, you shaww cuckowd Fowd. Exit 
*notices bulge* FOWD. >w< Hum! ha! *looks at you* Is this a v-vision? *looks at you* Is this a dweam? Do I *shuffles closer* sweep? 
Mastew *screams* Fowd, a-awake; awake, Mastew Fowd. >_> Thewe's a OwO howe 
made in youw best coat, Mastew Fowd. This 'tis to be 
mawwied; this 'tis to have winyen and buck-baskets! *sighs* Weww, I wiww 
pwocwaim m-mysewf w-what I a-am; I wiww n-nyow take the wechew; he 
is at my house. He cannyot scape me; 'tis impossibwe he 
*hugs tightly* shouwd; he cannyot cweep into a hawfpenny puwse n-nyow into 
a peppew box. But, west the deviw *sweats* that guides him shouwd aid 
him, I wiww seawch impossibwe pwaces. Though w-what I am I 
cannyot avoid, yet to be w-what I ^.^ wouwd nyot shaww nyot make 
me *moans* tame. If I have howns to make onye *cries* mad, wet the pwovewb 
go *pokes you* with me-I'ww be hown m-mad. Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 

Windsow. A UwU stweet 

Entew MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS QUICKWY, and WIWWIAM 

MWS. PAGE. *looks at you* Is he at Mastew Fowd's awweady, think'st thou? 
QUICKWY. Suwe he is ^w^ by this; *blushes* ow wiww be pwesentwy; xDD but twuwy 
he is vewy *giggles shyly* couwageous mad a-about his t-thwowing into the 
*looks at you* watew. Mistwess Fowd desiwes you to come suddenwy. 
MWS. PAGE. I'ww be *pokes you* with h-hew ^w^ by and by; I'ww xDD but b-bwing my 
young man x3 hewe to x3 schoow. Wook whewe his mastew comes; 
'tis a ;;w;; pwaying day, I see. 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS 

H-How nyow, Siw Hugh, nyo schoow to-day? 
E-EVANS. Nyo; Mastew Swendew is wet the boys weave to pway. 
QUICKWY. B-Bwessing of his heawt! 
MWS. PAGE. Siw Hugh, my h-husband says my son pwofits 
nyothing in the wowwd at his book; I pway you ask him *blushes* some 
*shuffles closer* questions in his accidence. 
E-EVANS. Come h-hithew, Wiwwiam; howd up youw *sighs* head; come. 
MWS. PAGE. Come on, siwwah; howd up youw *sighs* head; *sighs* answew youw 
mastew; be nyot *looks at you* afwaid. 
E-EVANS. Wiwwiam, how many uWu nyumbews is in nyouns? 
WIWWIAM. Two. 
QUICKWY. Twuwy, I thought thewe h-had been onye nyumbew 
mowe, because they say 'Od's nyouns.' 
E-EVANS. Peace youw tattwings. What is 'faiw,' Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. P-Puwchew. 
QUICKWY. Powecats! *cries* Thewe awe faiwew things than powecats, 
suwe. 
E-EVANS. Y-You awe a vewy simpwicity *pokes you* oman; I pway y-you, *teleports behind you* peace. 
What is '-'wapis,' Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. A stonye. 
E-EVANS. And w-what is *leans over* 'a stonye,' Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. A *hugs tightly* pebbwe. 
E-EVANS. N-Nyo, *moans* it is 'wapis'; I pway you wemembew in youw pwain. 
WIWWIAM. Wapis. 
E-EVANS. *teleports behind you* That is a good W-Wiwwiam. What is he, Wiwwiam, *sweats* that 
does UwU wend awticwes? 
WIWWIAM. A-Awticwes awe bowwowed of the pwonyoun, and be 
t-thus decwinyed: xDD Singuwawitew, nyominyativo; hic, h-haec, hoc. 
E-EVANS. Nyominyativo, hig, hag, hog; pway y-you, *hugs tightly* mawk: genyitivo, 
hujus. *sighs* Weww, w-what is youw accusative case? 
WIWWIAM. Accusativo, h-hinc. 
E-EVANS. I pway y-you, have youw wemembwance, chiwd. 
Accusativo, hung, hang, hog. 
QUICKWY. *pokes you* 'Hang-hog' is Watin fow bacon, I wawwant you. 
E-EVANS. L-Weave youw p-pwabbwes, oman. What is the focative 
case, Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. *giggles shyly* O-vocativo, O. 
E-EVANS. Wemembew, Wiwwiam: focative is cawet. 
QUICKWY. And that's a good woot. 
E-EVANS. Oman, fowbeaw. 
MWS. PAGE. Peace. 
E-EVANS. What is youw x3 genyitive *screams* case pwuwaw, Wiwwiam? 
WIWWIAM. Genyitive case? 
E-EVANS. A-Ay. 
WIWWIAM. Genyitive: h-howum, hawum, *blushes* howum. 
QUICKWY. Vengeance of J-Jenny's case; fie *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! Nyevew 
nyame hew, chiwd, if she be a whowe. 
E-EVANS. F-Fow shame, oman. 
QUICKWY. YOU do iww to teach the xDD chiwd such wowds. He 
t-teaches him to hick and to hack, which they'ww do *looks away* fast 
enyough of themsewves; and to *giggles shyly* caww 'howum'; fie upon y-you! 
E-EVANS. Oman, awt thou wunyatics? Hast thou nyo undewstandings 
fow t-thy cases, and the uWu nyumbews of the gendews? *moans* Thou 
awt as foowish Chwistian cweatuwes as I ^.^ wouwd uWu desiwes. 
MWS. PAGE. uWu Pwithee howd t-thy *teleports behind you* peace. 
E-EVANS. Show me nyow, Wiwwiam, *blushes* some decwensions of youw 
pwonyouns. 
WIWWIAM. Fowsooth, I have fowgot. 
E-EVANS. It is qui, quae, quod; if you fowget youw qui's, youw 
quae's, and youw quod's, you must be pweeches. Go youw 
ways and *sweats* pway; go. 
MWS. PAGE. He is a bettew s-schowaw than I thought he w-was. 
E-EVANS. He is a good spwag memowy. Faweweww, Mistwess Page. 
MWS. PAGE. Adieu, good Siw Hugh. Exit SIW HUGH 
Get you home, boy. Come, we >_< stay too l-wong. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

FOWD'S h-house 

Entew FAWSTAFF and MISTWESS FOWD 

FAWSTAFF. Mistwess *screams* Fowd, youw sowwow hath eaten up my 
s-suffewance. I see you awe obsequious in youw wove, and I 
pwofess wequitaw to a haiw's bweadth; nyot onwy, Mistwess *screams* Fowd, in 
the simpwe office of wove, xDD but in aww the accoutwement, 
compwement, and cewemony of it. But awe you suwe of youw 
h-husband nyow? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. He's OwO a-biwding, sweet Siw John. 
MWS. PAGE. [Within] What h-hoa, gossip *screams* Fowd, w-what hoa! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Step into th' chambew, Siw John. Exit FAWSTAFF 

Entew MISTWESS P-PAGE 

MWS. PAGE. H-How nyow, sweetheawt, who's at h-home besides 
youwsewf? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, nyonye xDD but minye own *moans* peopwe. 
MWS. PAGE. Indeed? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. N-Nyo, cewtainwy. [Aside to hew] Speak woudew. 
MWS. PAGE. Twuwy, I am so gwad you have nyobody hewe. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Why? 
MWS. PAGE. W-Why, woman, youw h-husband is in his owd wunyes 
again. He so takes *teleports behind you* on y-yondew *pokes you* with my husband; so waiws 
against aww mawwied mankind; so cuwses an Eve's daughtews, 
of w-what compwexion soevew; and so buffets himsewf *teleports behind you* on the 
fowehead, cwying 'Peew-out, peew-out!' *sweats* that any madnyess I 
*giggles shyly* evew yet *giggles shyly* behewd seem'd xDD but tamenyess, civiwity, and patience, 
to this his d-distempew he is in nyow. I am gwad the fat knyight 
is nyot hewe. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, does he tawk of him? 
MWS. PAGE. Of nyonye xDD but :3 him; and sweaws he was cawwied *pokes you* out, 
the wast time he seawch'd fow him, in a basket; *twerks* pwotests to 
my h-husband he is n-nyow h-hewe; and hath dwawn him and the 
west of t-theiw company fwom t-theiw spowt, to make anyothew 
expewiment of his suspicion. But I am gwad the knyight is nyot 
h-hewe; n-nyow he shaww see his own foowewy. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. H-How nyeaw is he, Mistwess Page? 
MWS. PAGE. *teleports behind you* Hawd by, at UwU stweet *teleports behind you* end; he wiww be x3 hewe anyon. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I am undonye: the knyight is hewe. 
MWS. PAGE. W-Why, then, you awe uttewwy sham'd, and he's xDD but 
a dead *pokes you* man. What a woman awe y-you! Away *pokes you* with him, 
away *pokes you* with :3 him; bettew shame than muwdew. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Which way shouwd he go? H-How shouwd I bestow 
him? Shaww I p-put him into the ;;w;; basket a-again? 

We-entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. N-Nyo, I'ww come nyo mowe i-i' th' basket. May I nyot go 
out ewe he come? 
MWS. PAGE. A-Awas, thwee of Mastew Fowd's bwothews watch the 
doow *pokes you* with pistows, *sweats* that nyonye shaww issue out; othewwise you 
might swip away ewe he came. But w-what make you hewe? 
FAWSTAFF. What shaww I do? I'ww cweep up into the chimnyey. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *cries* Thewe they awways use to dischawge t-theiw 
biwding-pieces. 
MWS. PAGE. C-Cweep into the ^w^ kiwn-howe. 
FAWSTAFF. Whewe is it? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. He wiww seek thewe, *teleports behind you* on my wowd. *blushes* Nyeithew p-pwess, 
coffew, OwO chest, *cries* twunk, weww, vauwt, xDD but he hath an abstwact fow 
the wemembwance of such pwaces, and goes to them ^w^ by his 
nyote. *cries* Thewe is nyo hiding you in the house. 
FAWSTAFF. I'ww go out UwU then. 
MWS. PAGE. If you go out in youw own sembwance, you die, 
Siw John. *leans over* Unwess you go out disguis'd. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. H-How might we d-disguise him? 
MWS. PAGE. A-Awas the day, I knyow nyot! *cries* Thewe is nyo woman's 
gown big enyough fow :3 him; othewwise he might p-put *teleports behind you* on a 
*moans* hat, a muffwew, and a k-kewchief, and so escape. 
FAWSTAFF. Good heawts, devise something; any extwemity 
wathew than a mischief. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. My Maid's aunt, the fat woman of Bwainfowd, has 
a gown above. 
MWS. PAGE. On my wowd, *moans* it wiww sewve :3 him; she's as big as he 
is; and thewe's h-hew thwumm'd *moans* hat, and h-hew muffwew too. Wun 
up, Siw John. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Go, *screams* go, sweet Siw John. Mistwess Page and I wiww 
wook *blushes* some winyen fow youw h-head. 
MWS. PAGE. *twerks* Quick, quick; we'ww come dwess you stwaight. *looks at you* Put 
*teleports behind you* on the gown the whiwe. Exit FAWSTAFF 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I ^.^ wouwd my h-husband ^.^ wouwd meet him in this 
shape; he cannyot abide the owd woman of OwO Bwainfowd; he 
sweaws she's a witch, *screams* fowbade h-hew my *notices bulge* house, and hath 
thweat'nyed to beat hew. 
MWS. PAGE. *pokes you* Heaven guide him to t-thy husband's cudgew; and 
the deviw guide his cudgew aftewwawds! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. But is my h-husband coming? 
MWS. PAGE. :33 Ay, in good s-sadnyess is he; and tawks of the ;;w;; basket 
too, howsoevew he hath h-had intewwigence. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. We'ww t-twy that; fow I'ww appoint my men to cawwy 
the ;;w;; basket again, to meet him at the doow *pokes you* with *moans* it as they 
did wast time. 
MWS. PAGE. Nyay, xDD but he'ww be x3 hewe pwesentwy; wet's go dwess 
him wike the *pokes you* witch of Bwainfowd. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I'ww f-fiwst diwect my men w-what they shaww do *pokes you* with 
the basket. Go up; I'ww b-bwing winyen fow him stwaight. Exit 
MWS. PAGE. Hang him, dishonyest vawwet! we cannyot misuse 
him enyough. 
We'ww weave a pwoof, ^w^ by *sweats* that which we wiww do, 
Wives may be mewwy and yet honyest too. 
We do nyot act *sweats* that *looks away* often jest and waugh; 
'Tis owd xDD but *screams* twue: Stiww swinye eats aww the dwaff. Exit 

We-entew MISTWESS FOWD, *pokes you* with xDD two SEWVANTS 

MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Go, siws, take the ;;w;; basket ;;w;; again *teleports behind you* on youw shouwdews; 
youw mastew is hawd at d-doow; if he bid you set *moans* it *giggles shyly* down, obey 
:3 him; quickwy, dispatch. Exit 
FIWST SEWVANT. Come, come, take *moans* it up. 
SECOND SEWVANT. *twerks* Pway heaven *moans* it be nyot fuww of knyight again. 
FIWST SEWVANT. I hope nyot; I h-had UwU wief as beaw so much wead. 

Entew FOWD, PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, *pokes you* CAIUS, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

*notices bulge* FOWD. :33 Ay, xDD but if *moans* it *shuffles closer* pwove twue, Mastew Page, have you any 
way then to unfoow me a-again? Set down the b-basket, viwwain! 
Somebody *giggles shyly* caww my wife. Youth in a basket! O you pandewwy 
wascaws, thewe's a >_> knyot, a ging, a pack, a conspiwacy 
against me. >_> Nyow shaww the deviw be sham'd. What, wife, I 
say! Come, come fowth; behowd w-what honyest cwothes you 
send f-fowth to b-bweaching. 
PAGE. W-Why, this passes, Mastew Fowd; you awe nyot to go l-woose 
any l-wongew; you must be pinyion'd. 
E-EVANS. W-Why, this is wunyatics. This is mad as a mad dog. 
SHAWWOW. I-Indeed, Mastew *screams* Fowd, this is nyot weww, indeed. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. So say I too, siw. 

We-entew MISTWESS FOWD 

Come h-hithew, Mistwess Fowd; Mistwess *screams* Fowd, the honyest 
woman, the modest wife, the viwtuous cweatuwe, *sweats* that hath 
the jeawous foow to h-hew husband! I suspect without x3 cause, 
Mistwess, do I? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *pokes you* Heaven be my witnyess, you do, if you suspect 
me in any *pokes you* dishonyesty. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Weww ^-^ said, bwazen-face; howd *moans* it ^w^ out. Come fowth, siwwah. 
*giggles shyly* [Puwwing cwothes out of the basket] 
PAGE. This passes! 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Awe you nyot asham'd? Wet the cwothes awonye. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I shaww find you anyon. 
E-EVANS. 'Tis unweasonyabwe. Wiww you take up youw wife's 
cwothes? Come a-away. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Empty the b-basket, I say. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, m-man, why? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Mastew Page, as I am a m-man, thewe was onye convey'd 
out of my h-house *looks away* yestewday in this basket. Why may nyot 
he be thewe a-again? In my h-house I am suwe he is; my 
intewwigence is *shuffles closer* twue; my j-jeawousy is weasonyabwe. 
P-Pwuck me out aww the winyen. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. If you find a man thewe, he shaww die a fwea's 
death. 
PAGE. H-Hewe's nyo *pokes you* man. 
SHAWWOW. By my fidewity, this is nyot weww, Mastew Fowd; this 
wwongs you. 
E-EVANS. Mastew *screams* Fowd, you must pway, and nyot f-fowwow the 
imaginyations of youw own heawt; this is jeawousies. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *sighs* Weww, he's nyot x3 hewe I seek *shuffles closer* fow. 
PAGE. N-Nyo, n-nyow nyowhewe e-ewse xDD but in youw bwain. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Hewp to seawch my h-house this onye time. If I find nyot 
w-what I >w< seek, show nyo *teleports behind you* cowouw fow my extwemity; wet me fow 
*giggles shyly* evew be youw tabwe spowt; wet them say of me 'As jeawous as 
*screams* Fowd, *sweats* that seawch'd a howwow wawnyut fow his wife's weman.' 
Satisfy me once *looks away* mowe; once mowe seawch *pokes you* with me. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What, h-hoa, Mistwess Page! Come you and the owd 
woman down; my h-husband wiww come into the chambew. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. O-Owd woman? w-what owd woman's that? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. W-Why, *moans* it is my maid's aunt of Bwainfowd. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. A witch, a quean, an owd cozenying quean! Have I nyot 
fowbid h-hew my house? She c-comes of ewwands, does she? We 
awe simpwe men; we do nyot knyow what's >w< bwought to pass 
undew the pwofession of fowtunye-tewwing. She wowks ^w^ by 
chawms, ^w^ by spewws, ^w^ by th' figuwe, and such daub'wy as this 
*screams* is, beyond o-ouw ewement. We knyow n-nyothing. Come *giggles shyly* down, you 
witch, you h-hag you; come *giggles shyly* down, I say. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, good sweet husband! Good gentwemen, wet 
him nyot stwike the owd woman. 

We-entew FAWSTAFF in woman's c-cwothes, and MISTWESS P-PAGE 

MWS. PAGE. Come, Mothew Pwat; come. give me youw hand. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I'ww pwat hew. [Beating h-him] Out of my doow, you 
witch, you hag, you. baggage, you powecat, you >_> wonyon! 
Out, *moans* out! I'ww conjuwe y-you, I'ww fowtunye-teww you. 
Exit FAWSTAFF 
MWS. PAGE. Awe you nyot asham'd? I think you have kiww'd the 
poow woman. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, he wiww do it. 'Tis a g-goodwy *screams* cwedit fow you. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Hang hew, witch! 
E-EVANS. By yea and nyo, I think the oman is a *pokes you* witch indeed; I 
wike nyot when a oman has a gweat peawd; I spy a gweat peawd 
undew his muffwew. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Wiww you fowwow, gentwemen? I beseech you *cries* fowwow; 
see xDD but the issue of my jeawousy; if I cwy out t-thus upon nyo 
*cries* twaiw, nyevew twust me when I open again. 
PAGE. Wet's obey his humouw a wittwe fuwthew. Come, 
gentwemen. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but MWS. FOWD and MWS. P-PAGE 
MWS. PAGE. Twust me, he beat him most pitifuwwy. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, ^w^ by th' mass, *sweats* that he did nyot; he beat him 
most unpitifuwwy methought. 
MWS. PAGE. I'ww have the cudgew hawwow'd and hung o'ew the 
awtaw; *moans* it hath donye mewitowious sewvice. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. What think you? May w-we, *pokes you* with the wawwant of 
womanhood and the witnyess of a good conscience, puwsue 
him *pokes you* with any *twerks* fuwthew wevenge? 
MWS. PAGE. The spiwit of wantonnyess is suwe scaw'd out of 
:3 him; if the deviw have him nyot in *screams* fee-simpwe, *pokes you* with finye and 
wecovewy, he wiww nyevew, I think, in the way of waste, 
attempt us again. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Shaww we teww o-ouw husbands how we have sewv'd 
him? 
MWS. PAGE. Yes, ^w^ by aww means; if *moans* it be xDD but to scwape the 
figuwes out of youw husband's bwains. If they can find in t-theiw 
heawts the poow unviwtuous fat knyight shaww be any *twerks* fuwthew 
affwicted, we xDD two wiww stiww be the minyistews. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. I'ww wawwant they'ww have him ^w^ pubwicwy s-sham'd; 
and methinks thewe ^.^ wouwd be nyo pewiod to the jest, shouwd 
he nyot be ^w^ pubwicwy sham'd. 
MWS. PAGE. Come, to the fowge *pokes you* with *moans* it then; shape it. I 
^.^ wouwd nyot have things coow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

The Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew HOST and *screams* BAWDOWPH 

BAWDOWPH. Siw, the Gewmans desiwe to have thwee of youw 
howses; the D-Duke himsewf wiww be to-mowwow at couwt, and 
they awe g-going to meet him. 
HOST. What duke shouwd *sweats* that be c-comes so s-secwetwy? I heaw 
nyot of him in the couwt. Wet me speak *pokes you* with the gentwemen; 
they speak Engwish? 
BAWDOWPH. :33 Ay, siw; I'ww *giggles shyly* caww them to you. 
HOST. They shaww have my howses, xDD but I'ww make them pay; 
I'ww sauce them; they have h-had my h-house a week at 
^.^ command; I have tuwn'd away my othew g-guests. They must 
come off; I'ww sauce them. Come. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4 

FOWD'S h-house 

Entew PAGE, FOWD, MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS FOWD, and SIW HUGH EVANS 

E-EVANS. 'Tis onye of the best discwetions of a oman as *giggles shyly* evew 
did wook upon. 
PAGE. And did he send you b-both these wettews at an instant? 
MWS. PAGE. Within a x3 quawtew of an houw. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Pawdon me, wife. Hencefowth, do w-what thou wiwt; 
I wathew wiww suspect the *moans* sun *pokes you* with cowd 
*notices bulge* Than thee *pokes you* with w-wantonnyess. >_> Nyow doth t-thy honyouw stand, 
In him *sweats* that was of *looks away* wate an hewetic, 
As fiwm as faith. 
PAGE. 'Tis weww, 'tis weww; nyo mowe. 
Be nyot as extweme in submission as in offence; 
But wet o-ouw pwot go fowwawd. Wet o-ouw wives 
Y-Yet once again, to make us pubwic spowt, 
*blushes* Appoint a meeting *pokes you* with this owd fat fewwow, 
Whewe we may take him and *looks away* disgwace him fow it. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *cries* Thewe is nyo bettew way than *sweats* that they s-spoke of. 
PAGE. How? To send him wowd they'ww meet him in the Pawk 
at midnyight? Fie, fie! he'ww nyevew come! 
E-EVANS. Y-You say he has been thwown in the r-wivews; and has 
been ^.^ gwievouswy peaten as an owd *pokes you* oman; methinks thewe 
shouwd be tewwows in him, *sweats* that he shouwd nyot come; 
methinks his UwU fwesh is punyish'd; he shaww have nyo uWu desiwes. 
PAGE. So think I too. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Devise xDD but how y-you'ww use him when he c-comes, 
And wet us xDD two devise to b-bwing him thithew. 
MWS. PAGE. *cries* Thewe is an owd tawe goes *sweats* that Heme the Huntew, 
Sometime a keepew x3 hewe in Windsow Fowest, 
Doth aww the wintew-time, at stiww midnyight, 
Wawk wound a-about an oak, *pokes you* with gweat r-wagg'd h-howns; 
And thewe he bwasts the ^.^ twee, and takes the cattwe, 
And makes miwch-kinye y-yiewd b-bwood, and shakes a chain 
In a most hideous and dweadfuw mannyew. 
Y-You have h-heawd of such a spiwit, and weww you knyow 
The supewstitious idwe-headed ewd 
Weceiv'd, and did dewivew to o-ouw a-age, 
This tawe of Heme the Huntew fow a twuth. 
PAGE. Why yet thewe want nyot many *sweats* that do feaw 
In deep of nyight to wawk ^w^ by this Hewnye's oak. 
But w-what of *sweats* this? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Mawwy, this is o-ouw device- 
*teleports behind you* That Fawstaff at *sweats* that oak shaww meet *pokes you* with us, 
Disguis'd, wike Heme, *pokes you* with huge howns *teleports behind you* on his h-head. 
PAGE. *sighs* Weww, wet *moans* it nyot be doubted xDD but he'ww come, 
And in this s-shape. When you have >w< bwought him thithew, 
What shaww be donye *pokes you* with him? What is youw pwot? 
MWS. PAGE. *teleports behind you* That *sweats* wikewise have we thought upon, and 
*looks away* thus: 
Nyan Page my daughtew, and my wittwe son, 
And thwee *blushes* ow fouw mowe of t-theiw gwowth, we'ww dwess 
Wike *giggles shyly* uwchins, o-ouphes, and faiwies, gween and *giggles shyly* white, 
With wounds of waxen tapews *teleports behind you* on t-theiw :3 heads, 
And wattwes in t-theiw hands; upon a sudden, 
As Fawstaff, she, and I, awe nyewwy met, 
Wet them fwom f-fowth a sawpit r-wush at once 
With *blushes* some diffused song; upon t-theiw s-sight 
We xDD two in gweat amazednyess wiww fwy. 
T-Then wet them aww enciwcwe him about, 
And faiwy-wike, to p-pinch the uncwean knyight; 
And ask him why, *sweats* that houw of faiwy wevew, 
In t-theiw so sacwed paths he dawes to twead 
In shape pwofanye. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. And tiww he teww the twuth, 
Wet the supposed faiwies p-pinch him ;;w;; sound, 
And buwn him *pokes you* with t-theiw tapews. 
MWS. PAGE. The uWu twuth being knyown, 
We'ww aww ^.^ pwesent ouwsewves; dis-hown the spiwit, 
And mock him h-home to Windsow. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. The chiwdwen must 
Be pwactis'd weww to this *blushes* ow they'ww nyev'w do 't. 
E-EVANS. I wiww teach the chiwdwen t-theiw :33 behaviouws; and I wiww 
be wike a j-jack-an-apes awso, to buwn the knyight *pokes you* with my 
tabew. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. *teleports behind you* That wiww be *pokes you* excewwent. I'ww go b-buy them vizawds. 
MWS. PAGE. My Nyan shaww be the Queen of aww the Faiwies, 
Finyewy attiwed in a *teleports behind you* wobe of white. 
PAGE. *teleports behind you* That siwk wiww I go buy. OwO [Aside] And in *sweats* that time 
Shaww Mastew Swendew s-steaw my Nyan away, 
And mawwy h-hew at Eton.-Go, send to Fawstaff stwaight. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Nyay, I'ww to him again, in nyame of Bwook; 
He'ww teww me aww his ^.^ puwpose. Suwe, he'ww come. 
MWS. PAGE. Feaw nyot you that. Go get us pwopewties 
And twicking fow o-ouw faiwies. 
E-EVANS. Wet us a-about it. It is admiwabwe pweasuwes, and f-fewy 
honyest knyavewies. UwU Exeunt PAGE, FOWD, and EVANS 
MWS. PAGE. Go, Mistwess Fowd. 
xDD Send Quickwy to Siw John to knyow his mind. 
Exit MWS. FOWD 
I'ww to the Doctow; he hath my good wiww, 
And nyonye xDD but he, to mawwy *pokes you* with Nyan Page. 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* Swendew, *sighs* though weww wanded, is an idiot; 
And he my h-husband best of aww affects. 
The D-Doctow is weww monyey'd, and his fwiends 
Potent at couwt; he, nyonye xDD but he, shaww have hew, 
Though twenty thousand wowthiew come to c-cwave hew. Exit 




SCENyE 5. 

The Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew HOST and SIMPWE 

HOST. What wouwdst thou h-have, boow? What, *sighs* thick-skin? 
Speak, b-bweathe, *sweats* discuss; *leans over* bwief, showt, quick, snyap. 
SIMPWE. Mawwy, siw, I come to speak *pokes you* with Siw John Fawstaff 
fwom Mastew xDD Swendew. 
HOST. >_> Thewe's his chambew, his *notices bulge* house, his c-castwe, his 
standing-bed and twuckwe-bed; 'tis ;;w;; painted a-about *pokes you* with the 
*leans over* stowy of the Pwodigaw, fwesh and nyew. Go, knyock and c-can; he'ww 
speak wike an Anthwopophaginyian unto thee. K-Knyock, I say. 
SIMPWE. >_> Thewe's an owd woman, a fat woman, g-gonye up into 
his *moans* chambew; I'ww be so bowd as stay, siw, tiww she come down; 
I come to speak *pokes you* with hew, indeed. 
HOST. Ha! a fat woman? The knyight may be wobb'd. I'ww caww. 
Buwwy knyight! Buwwy Siw John! Speak fwom t-thy wungs 
miwitawy. Awt thou thewe? It is thinye host, thinye E-Ephesian, cawws. 
FAWSTAFF. [Above] H-How nyow, minye host? 
HOST. H-Hewe's a Bohemian-Tawtaw tawwies the coming down of 
t-thy fat woman. Wet h-hew descend, b-buwwy, wet h-hew descend; 
my chambews awe h-honyouwibwe. Fie, pwivacy, fie! 

Entew FAWSTAFF 

FAWSTAFF. *cries* Thewe was, minye host, an owd fat woman even 
n-nyow w-with, me; xDD but she's gonye. 
SIMPWE. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, was't nyot the w-wise woman of 
Bwainfowd? 
FAWSTAFF. :33 Ay, mawwy was it, mussew-sheww. What ^.^ wouwd you 
*pokes you* with hew? 
SIMPWE. My mastew, siw, my Mastew *pokes you* Swendew, OwO sent to hew, 
seeing h-hew go t-thowough the stweets, to knyow, siw, whethew onye 
Nym, siw, *sweats* that beguiw'd him of a chain, h-had the chain *blushes* ow nyo. 
FAWSTAFF. I spake *pokes you* with the owd woman a-about it. 
SIMPWE. And w-what says she, I pway, s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF Mawwy, she says *sweats* that the vewy same man *sweats* that 
beguiw'd Mastew Swendew of his chain cozen'd him of it. 
SIMPWE. I ^.^ wouwd I couwd have spoken *pokes you* with the woman 
hewsewf; I h-had othew things to have spoken *pokes you* with h-hew too, 
fwom him. 
FAWSTAFF. What awe they? Wet us knyow. 
HOST. :33 Ay, come; quick. 
SIMPWE. I may nyot conceaw them, siw. 
FAWSTAFF. Conceaw them, *blushes* ow thou diest. 
SIMPWE.. W-Why, siw, they wewe nyothing xDD but a-about Mistwess 
:33 Annye Page: to knyow if *moans* it wewe my m-mastew's fowtunye to 
have h-hew *blushes* ow nyo. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Tis, 'tis his OwO fowtunye. 
SIMPWE. What s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF. To have hew, *blushes* ow nyo. *leans over* Go; say the woman towd me 
so. 
SIMPWE. May I be bowd to say so, s-siw? 
FAWSTAFF. :33 Ay, siw, wike w-who mowe b-bowd? 
SIMPWE., I t-thank youw *looks away* wowship; I shaww make my mastew gwad 
*pokes you* with these t-tidings. Exit SIMPWE 
HOST. *moans* Thou awt cwewkwy, thou awt cwewkwy, Siw John. *hugs tightly* Was 
thewe a w-wise woman *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
FAWSTAFF. :33 Ay, *sweats* that thewe was, minye host; onye *sweats* that hath 
taught me mowe wit than *giggles shyly* evew I weawn'd befowe in my wife; 
and I paid nyothing fow *moans* it OwO nyeithew, xDD but was paid fow my 
*twerks* weawnying. 

Entew *screams* BAWDOWPH 

BAWDOWPH. Out, awas, siw, cozenyage, mewe cozenyage! 
HOST. Whewe be my howses? Speak weww of them, v-vawwetto. 
BAWDOWPH. Wun away *pokes you* with the >_< cozenyews; fow so soon as I 
came beyond Eton, they *shuffles closer* thwew me off fwom UwU behind onye of 
them, in a swough of m-miwe; and set spuws and away, wike 
thwee Gewman *looks at you* deviws, thwee D-Doctow Faustuses. 
HOST. They awe g-gonye xDD but to meet the Duke, viwwain; do nyot 
say they be fwed. Gewmans awe honyest men. 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS 

E-EVANS. Whewe is minye host? 
HOST. What is the mattew, s-siw? 
E-EVANS. Have a OwO cawe of youw entewtainments. *cries* Thewe is a fwiend 
of minye come to town tewws me thewe is thwee 
cozen-gewmans *sweats* that has cozen'd aww the hosts of Weadins, 
of Maidenhead, of Cowebwook, of h-howses and monyey. I teww you fow 
good wiww, wook you; you awe wise, and fuww of gibes and 
vwouting-stogs, and 'tis nyot convenyient you shouwd be 
cozenyed. Fawe you weww. Exit 

Entew DOCTOW CAIUS 

CAIUS. Vewe is minye host de Jawteew? 
HOST. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Mastew Doctow, in *sweats* pewpwexity and doubtfuw 
diwemma. 
CAIUS. I cannyot teww vat is dat; xDD but *moans* it is teww-a me dat you 
make gwand pwepawation fow a D-Duke de Jamany. By my 
*sweats* twot, dewe is nyo duke *sweats* that the couwt is knyow to come; I 
teww you fow good wiww. Adieu. Exit 
HOST. Hue and cwy, viwwain, *blushes* go! Assist me, knyight; I am 
UwU undonye. Fwy, ^-^ wun, hue and cwy, viwwain; I am UwU undonye. 
UwU Exeunt HOST and *screams* BAWDOWPH 
FAWSTAFF. I ^.^ wouwd aww the wowwd might be cozen'd, fow I have 
been cozen'd and beaten too. If *moans* it shouwd come to the ;;w;; caw 
of the couwt how I have been *cries* twansfowmed, and how my 
*looks at you* twansfowmation hath been wash'd and cudgeww'd, they 
^.^ wouwd mewt me out of my fat, dwop ^w^ by dwop, and wiquow 
fishewmen's boots *pokes you* with me; I wawwant they ^.^ wouwd whip me 
*pokes you* with t-theiw finye ^-^ wits tiww I wewe as cwestfaww'n as a d-dwied ^.^ peaw. 
I nyevew pwospew'd s-since I *looks at you* fowswowe m-mysewf at >w< pwimewo. *sighs* Weww, 
if my *cuddles you* wind wewe xDD but wong enyough to say my pwayews, 
^.^ wouwd wepent. 

Entew MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

Nyow! whence come you? 
QUICKWY. Fwom the xDD two pawties, fowsooth. 
FAWSTAFF. The deviw take onye p-pawty and his dam the othew! 
And so they shaww be b-both bestowed. I have s-suffew'd mowe 
fow t-theiw *giggles shyly* sakes, mowe than the *moans* viwwainyous *shuffles closer* inconstancy of 
man's disposition is abwe to beaw. 
QUICKWY. And have nyot they suffew'd? Yes, I wawwant; 
speciouswy onye of them; Mistwess *screams* Fowd, good h-heawt, is beaten 
bwack and bwue, *sweats* that you cannyot see a *looks away* white spot a-about hew. 
FAWSTAFF. What teww'st thou me of bwack and b-bwue? I was 
beaten m-mysewf into aww the cowouws of the wainbow; and 
was wike to be appwehended fow the *pokes you* witch of Bwainfowd. But 
*sweats* that my admiwabwe d-dextewity of wit, my countewfeiting the 
action of an owd woman, *pokes you* dewivew'd me, the knyave uWu constabwe 
h-had set me i-i' th' stocks, i-i' th' common stocks, fow a >_< witch. 
QUICKWY. Siw, wet me speak *pokes you* with you in youw *moans* chambew; you 
shaww heaw how things *screams* go, and, I wawwant, to youw content. 
Hewe is a wettew wiww say somewhat. Good heawts, w-what ado 
x3 hewe is to b-bwing you togethew! Suwe, onye of you does nyot 
sewve heaven weww, *sweats* that you awe so cwoss'd. 
FAWSTAFF. Come up into my chambew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 6. 

The Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew FENTON and HOST 

HOST. Mastew Fenton, tawk nyot to me; my mind is heavy; I 
wiww give ovew aww. 
F-FENTON. Y-Yet heaw me speak. Assist me in my puwpose, 
And, as I am a g-gentweman, I'ww give the 
A hundwed pound in gowd mowe than youw *shuffles closer* woss. 
HOST. I wiww heaw y-you, Mastew F-Fenton; and I wiww, at the weast, 
keep youw counsew. 
F-FENTON. Fwom time to time I have acquainted you 
With the deaw wove I beaw to *looks at you* faiw :33 Annye Page; 
*leans over* Who, mutuawwy, hath answew'd my affection, 
So faw f-fowth as hewsewf might be h-hew choosew, 
Even to my wish. I have a wettew fwom h-hew 
Of such contents as you wiww wondew at; 
The miwth wheweof so wawded *pokes you* with my mattew 
*teleports behind you* That OwO nyeithew, singwy, can be manyifested 
Without the show of both. Fat Fawstaff 
Hath a gweat scenye. The i-image of the jest 
I'ww show you x3 hewe at wawge. Hawk, good minye host: 
To-nyight at Heme's oak, *shuffles closer* just 'twixt t-twewve and ^.^ onye, 
M-Must my sweet Nyan ^.^ pwesent the Faiwy Queen- 
The puwpose why is hewe-in which disguise, 
Whiwe othew jests awe s-something wank *teleports behind you* on foot, 
Hew fathew hath *moans* commanded h-hew to swip 
Away *pokes you* with *pokes you* Swendew, and *pokes you* with him at x3 Eton 
Immediatewy to mawwy; she hath consented. 
Nyow, siw, 
Hew m-mothew, even stwong against *sweats* that match 
And fiwm fow D-Doctow C-Caius, hath appointed 
*teleports behind you* That he shaww *sweats* wikewise shuffwe h-hew away 
Whiwe othew spowts awe tasking of t-theiw minds, 
And at the dean'wy, whewe a pwiest attends, 
Stwaight mawwy hew. To this h-hew mothew's pwot 
She seemingwy o-obedient *sweats* wikewise hath 
Made pwomise to the doctow. >_> Nyow t-thus *moans* it wests: 
Hew fathew means she shaww be aww in *notices bulge* white; 
And in *sweats* that :3 habit, when Swendew sees his time 
To take h-hew ^w^ by the h-hand and bid h-hew *screams* go, 
She shaww go *pokes you* with :3 him; h-hew mothew hath intended 
The bettew to denyote h-hew to the doctow- 
F-Fow they must aww be mask'd and vizawded- 
*teleports behind you* That quaint in gween she shaww be l-woose enwob'd, 
With *twerks* wibands pendent, fwawing 'bout h-hew *sighs* head; 
And when the doctow spies his vantage wipe, 
To p-pinch h-hew ^w^ by the hand, and, *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that token, 
The maid hath given consent to go *pokes you* with him. 
HOST. Which means she to deceive, fathew *blushes* ow mothew? 
F-FENTON. Both, my good host, to go awong *pokes you* with me. 
And x3 hewe *moans* it *cuddles you* wests-that y-you'ww pwocuwe the vicaw 
To >_< stay fow me at c-chuwch, 'twixt t-twewve and ^.^ onye, 
And in the l-wawfuw nyame of mawwying, 
To give o-ouw heawts unyited cewemony. 
HOST. *sighs* Weww, h-husband youw device; I'ww to the vicaw. 
Bwing you the maid, you shaww nyot wack a pwiest. 
F-FENTON. So shaww I evewmowe be bound to thee; 
Besides, I'ww make a ^.^ pwesent r-wecompense. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 

The Gawtew I-Inn 

Entew FAWSTAFF and MISTWESS *sweats* QUICKWY 

FAWSTAFF. Pwithee, nyo mowe pwattwing; go. I'ww, howd. This is 
the thiwd time; I hope good wuck wies in odd nyumbews. 
^w^ Away, go; they say thewe is divinyity in odd nyumbews, ^w^ eithew 
in nyativity, *giggles shyly* chance, *blushes* ow death. Away. 
QUICKWY. I'ww pwovide you a chain, and I'ww do w-what I can to 
get you a paiw of howns. 
FAWSTAFF. ^w^ Away, I *notices bulge* say; time weaws; howd up youw head, and 
mince. Exit MWS. *sweats* QUICKWY 

Entew FOWD disguised 

H-How nyow, Mastew Bwook. Mastew Bwook, the mattew wiww 
be *teleports behind you* knyown tonyight *blushes* ow >_> nyevew. Be you in the Pawk a-about 
midnyight, at Hewnye's oak, and you shaww see wondews. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Went you nyot to h-hew yestewday, siw, as you towd me 
you h-had appointed? 
FAWSTAFF. I went to hew, Mastew Bwook, as you see, wike a 
poow owd man; xDD but I came fwom hew, Mastew Bwook, wike a 
poow owd woman. *teleports behind you* That same knyave *screams* Fowd, h-hew husband, hath 
the finyest mad deviw of j-jeawousy in him, Mastew Bwook, *sweats* that 
*giggles shyly* evew govewn'd fwenzy. I wiww teww you-he beat me ^.^ gwievouswy 
in the shape of a *blushes* woman; fow in the shape of m-man, Mastew 
Bwook, I feaw nyot Gowiath *pokes you* with a weavew's b-beam; because 
I knyow awso wife is a shuttwe. I am in haste; go awong *pokes you* with 
me; I'ww. teww you a-aww, Mastew Bwook. Since I UwU pwuck'd geese, 
pway'd twuant, and whipp'd top, I knyew nyot w-what '-'twas to 
be beaten tiww watewy. Fowwow me. I'ww teww you stwange things 
of this knyave-Fowd, *teleports behind you* on whom to-nyight I wiww be wevenged, 
and I wiww dewivew his wife into youw hand. Fowwow. *teleports behind you* Stwange 
things in hand, Mastew Bwook! Fowwow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Windsow Pawk 

Entew PAGE, S-SHAWWOW, and SWENDEW 

PAGE. Come, come; we'ww couch i-i' th' Castwe ditch tiww we 
see the wight of o-ouw faiwies. Wemembew, son *pokes you* Swendew, my daughtew. 
SWENDEW. :33 Ay, fowsooth; I have s-spoke *pokes you* with hew, and we have 
a nyay-wowd how to knyow onye anyothew. I come to h-hew in 
*looks away* white and cwy 'mum'; she *hugs tightly* cwies '-'budget,' and ^w^ by *sweats* that we 
knyow onye anyothew. 
SHAWWOW. That's good too; xDD but w-what ;;w;; nyeeds ^w^ eithew youw mum 
*blushes* ow h-hew budget? The *looks away* white wiww deciphew h-hew weww enyough. 
It hath stwuck ten *looks at you* o'cwock. 
PAGE. The nyight is dawk; wight and spiwits wiww become *moans* it weww. 
*pokes you* Heaven pwospew o-ouw *looks away* spowt! Nyo man means eviw xDD but the 
deviw, and we shaww knyow him ^w^ by his howns. Wet's *looks away* away; 
f-fowwow me. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

A UwU stweet weading to the Pawk 

Entew MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS FOWD, and DOCTOW CAIUS 

MWS. PAGE. Mastew Doctow, my daughtew is in gween; when 
you see youw time, take h-hew ^w^ by the hand, away *pokes you* with h-hew to 
the ^.^ deanyewy, and *notices bulge* dispatch *moans* it quickwy. Go befowe into the 
Pawk; we xDD two must go togethew. 
CAIUS. I knyow vat I have to do; adieu. 
MWS. PAGE. Fawe you weww, siw. [Exit C-CAIUS] My h-husband 
wiww nyot wejoice so much at the abuse of Fawstaff as he wiww 
chafe at the doctow's mawwying my daughtew; xDD but 'tis nyo 
mattew; bettew a wittwe chiding than a gweat deaw of 
heawtbweak. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Whewe is Nyan nyow, and h-hew twoop of faiwies, and 
the Wewsh deviw, Hugh? 
MWS. PAGE. They awe aww couch'd in a pit hawd ^w^ by Heme's 
oak, *pokes you* with obscuw'd wights; which, at the vewy instant of 
Fawstaff's and o-ouw meeting, they wiww at once dispway to the 
nyight. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *teleports behind you* That cannyot c-choose xDD but amaze him. 
MWS. PAGE. If he be nyot amaz'd, he wiww be mock'd; if he be 
amaz'd, he wiww evewy way be mock'd. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. We'ww betway him finyewy. 
MWS. PAGE. Against such *screams* wewdstews and t-theiw wechewy, 
Those *sweats* that betway them do nyo tweachewy. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. The houw dwaws on. To the oak, to the oak! 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Windsow Pawk 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS wike a satyw, *pokes you* with OTHEWS as faiwies 

E-EVANS. Twib, twib, faiwies; come; and wemembew youw pawts. 
Be powd, I pway you; f-fowwow me into the *teleports behind you* pit; and when I 
give the watch-owds, do as I p-pid you. Come, come; twib, 
twib. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the Pawk 

Entew FAWSTAFF disguised as HEWNyE 

FAWSTAFF. The Windsow b-beww hath stwuck twewve; the minyute 
dwaws on. >_> Nyow the hot-bwooded gods assist me! 
Wemembew, Jove, thou wast a buww fow t-thy *pokes you* Euwopa; wove set *teleports behind you* on t-thy 
howns. O powewfuw wove! *sweats* that in *blushes* some wespects makes a 
beast a man; in *blushes* some othew a man a beast. Y-You wewe awso, 
Jupitew, a swan, fow the wove of Weda. O omnyipotent wove! 
how nyeaw the *cries* god dwew to the compwexion of a goose! A 
fauwt donye f-fiwst in the *sighs* fowm of a beast-O Jove, a beastwy 
xDD fauwt!-and then anyothew fauwt in the sembwance of a foww- 
think :3 on't, Jove, a f-fouw fauwt! When gods have hot backs 
w-what shaww poow men do? F-Fow me, I am x3 hewe a Windsow 
stag; and the fattest, I think, i-i' th' fowest. xDD Send me a coow 
wut-time, Jove, *blushes* ow w-who can bwame me to piss my *hugs tightly* tawwow? 
Who c-comes hewe? my doe? 

Entew MISTWESS FOWD and MISTWESS P-PAGE 

MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Siw John! Awt thou thewe, my deew, my mawe deew. 
FAWSTAFF. My doe *pokes you* with the bwack scut! Wet the sky wain 
potatoes; wet *moans* it thundew to the tunye of G-Gweensweeves, ;;w;; haiw 
*shuffles closer* kissing-comfits, and snyow ewingoes; wet thewe come a *cries* tempest 
of p-pwovocation, I wiww shewtew me hewe. [Embwacing hew] 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Mistwess Page is come *pokes you* with me, sweetheawt. 
FAWSTAFF. Divide me wike a bwib'd buck, each a haunch; I 
wiww keep my sides to *twerks* mysewf, my shouwdews fow the fewwow 
of this wawk, and my howns I bequeath youw h-husbands. Am 
I a woodman, ha? Speak I wike Heme the Huntew? W-Why, 
n-nyow is Cupid a xDD chiwd of *pokes you* conscience; he makes westitution. 
As I am a twue spiwit, wewcome! [A nyoise of howns] 
MWS. PAGE. A-Awas, w-what nyoise? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. *pokes you* Heaven f-fowgive o-ouw s-sins! 
FAWSTAFF. What shouwd this b-be? 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. } ^w^ Away, a-away. 
MWS. PAGE. } ^w^ Away, a-away. [They wun off] 
FAWSTAFF. I think the deviw wiww nyot have me damn'd, west the 
oiw that's in me shouwd set heww *teleports behind you* on fiwe; he ^.^ wouwd nyevew e-ewse 
cwoss me thus. 

Entew SIW HUGH EVANS wike a satyw, ANNyE P-PAGE as 
a ^.^ faiwy, and OTHEWS as the Faiwy Queen, faiwies, and 
^-^ Hobgobwin; aww *pokes you* with tapews 

F-FAIWY QUEEN. Faiwies, bwack, gwey, gween, and *giggles shyly* white, 
Y-You moonshinye wevewwews, and shades of nyight, 
Y-You owphan h-heiws of ^-^ fixed destiny, 
Attend youw office and youw quawity. 
Cwiew Hobgobwin, make the faiwy oyes. 
PUCK. Ewves, :33 wist youw nyames; s-siwence, you aiwy toys. 
Cwicket, to Windsow chimnyeys shawt thou weap; 
Whewe fiwes thou find'st unwak'd, and heawths unswept, 
*cries* Thewe p-pinch the *cuddles you* maids as >_> bwue as biwbewwy; 
Ouw wadiant Queen hates swuts and swuttewy. 
FAWSTAFF. They awe faiwies; he *sweats* that speaks to them shaww die. 
I'ww wink and couch; nyo man t-theiw wowks must eye. 
[Wies down upon his face] 
E-EVANS. Whewe's P-Pede? Go y-you, and whewe you find a maid 
That, ewe she sweep, has thwice h-hew pwayews ^-^ said, 
OwO Waise up the o-owgans of h-hew fantasy 
*sighs* Sweep she as s-sound as c-cawewess infancy; 
But those as sweep and think nyot *teleports behind you* on t-theiw s-sins, 
Pinch them, awms, l-wegs, backs, shouwdews, sides, and shins. 
F-FAIWY QUEEN. About, about; 
S-Seawch Windsow c-castwe, ewves, within and out; 
;;w;; Stwew good wuck, o-ouphes, *teleports behind you* on evewy sacwed woom, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it may *looks at you* stand tiww the *looks away* pewpetuaw doom 
In state as whowesome as in state 'tis fit, 
Wowthy the o-ownyew and the o-ownyew it. 
The sevewaw chaiws of owdew wook you scouw 
With juice of bawm and evewy p-pwecious OwO fwowew; 
Each *looks at you* faiw instawment, coat, and :33 sev'waw cwest, 
With woyaw bwazon, evewmowe be bwest! 
And nyightwy, meadow-faiwies, wook you sing, 
Wike to the Gawtew's compass, in a wing; 
Th' *sighs* expwessuwe *sweats* that *moans* it beaws, gween wet *moans* it be, 
Mowe *shuffles closer* fewtiwe-fwesh than aww the fiewd to see; 
And 'Honyi soit q-qui maw y pense' *looks away* wwite 
In em'wawd tufts, fwow'ws puwpwe, >_> bwue and *notices bulge* white; 
Wike sapphiwe, peaww, and wich embwoidewy, 
Buckwed bewow *looks at you* faiw knyighthood's bending knyee. 
Faiwies use fwow'ws fow t-theiw chawactewy. 
^w^ Away, dispewse; xDD but tiww 'tis onye *screams* o'cwock, 
Ouw dance of custom wound a-about the oak 
Of uWu Hewnye the Huntew wet us nyot *cuddles you* fowget. 
E-EVANS. *twerks* Pway y-you, wock h-hand in hand; youwsewves in owdew set; 
And twenty gwow-wowms shaww o-ouw ^w^ wantewns be, 
To guide o-ouw measuwe wound a-about the twee. 
But, stay. I smeww a man of middwe eawth. 
FAWSTAFF. H-Heavens defend me fwom *sweats* that Wewsh ^.^ faiwy, west he 
twansfowm me to a piece of cheese! 
PUCK. Viwe wowm, thou wast o'ewwook'd even in t-thy biwth. 
F-FAIWY QUEEN. With twiaw-fiwe touch me his fingew-end; 
If he be chaste, the *pokes you* fwame wiww back descend, 
And tuwn him to nyo pain; xDD but if he stawt, 
It is the UwU fwesh of a cowwupted heawt. 
PUCK. A twiaw, come. 
E-EVANS. Come, wiww this wood take fiwe? 
[They p-put the tapews to his *shuffles closer* fingews, and he stawts] 
FAWSTAFF. Oh, *screams* oh, oh! 
F-FAIWY QUEEN. C-Cowwupt, cowwupt, and tainted in desiwe! 
About him, faiwies; sing a scownfuw whyme; 
And, as you ^-^ twip, stiww p-pinch him to youw time. 
THE SONG. 
Fie *teleports behind you* on *moans* sinfuw fantasy! 
Fie *teleports behind you* on wust and wuxuwy! 
*teleports behind you* Wust is xDD but a bwoody fiwe, 
Kindwed *pokes you* with unchaste desiwe, 
Fed in h-heawt, :33 whose fwames *sighs* aspiwe, 
As *hugs tightly* thoughts do bwow them, highew and highew. 
Pinch him, faiwies, mutuawwy; 
Pinch him fow his viwwainy; 
Pinch him and buwn him and tuwn him about, 
Tiww candwes and staw-wight and moonshinye be ^w^ out. 

Duwing this song they p-pinch FAWSTAFF. DOCTOW 
CAIUS c-comes onye way, and steaws away a faiwy in 
gween; SWENDEW anyothew way, and takes off a faiwy in 
*notices bulge* white; and FENTON steaws away ANNyE PAGE. A nyoise 
of hunting is h-heawd *looks at you* within. Aww the faiwies wun a-away. 
FAWSTAFF puwws off his buck's head, and wises 

Entew PAGE, FOWD, MISTWESS PAGE, MISTWESS FOWD, and 
SIW HUGH EVANS 

PAGE. Nyay, do nyot fwy; I think we have watch'd you nyow. 
Wiww nyonye xDD but Heme the Huntew sewve youw tuwn? 
MWS. PAGE. I pway y-you, come, howd up the jest nyo highew. 
Nyow, good Siw John, how wike you Windsow wives? 
See you these, h-husband? Do nyot these *looks at you* faiw y-yokes 
OwO Become the fowest bettew than the town? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Nyow, siw, who's a cuckowd nyow? Mastew Bwook, 
Fawstaff's a knyave, a cuckowdwy *hugs tightly* knyave; x3 hewe awe his howns, 
Mastew Bwook; and, Mastew Bwook, he hath UwU enjoyed nyothing of 
Fowd's xDD but his buck-basket, his >_> cudgew, and twenty *cuddles you* pounds 
of monyey, which must be paid to Mastew Bwook; his h-howses 
awe awwested fow it, Mastew Bwook. 
MWS. *notices bulge* FOWD. Siw John, we have h-had iww wuck; we couwd nyevew 
meet. I wiww nyevew take you fow my wove again; xDD but I wiww 
awways count you my deew. 
FAWSTAFF. I do begin to p-pewceive *sweats* that I am made an ass. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. :33 Ay, and an ox too; b-both the p-pwoofs awe extant. 
FAWSTAFF. And these awe nyot faiwies? I was thwee *blushes* ow fouw 
times in the thought they wewe nyot faiwies; and yet the 
guiwtinyess of my *leans over* mind, the sudden suwpwise of my powews, 
dwove the gwossnyess of the foppewy into a weceiv'd bewief, 
in despite of the teeth of aww xDD whyme and weason, *sweats* that they 
wewe faiwies. See n-nyow how wit may be made a Jack-a-Went 
when 'tis upon iww empwoyment. 
E-EVANS. Siw John Fawstaff, sewve Got, and weave youw desiwes, 
and faiwies wiww nyot pinse you. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Weww ^-^ said, faiwy Hugh. 
E-EVANS. And weave you youw jeawousies too, I pway you. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. I wiww nyevew mistwust my wife again, tiww thou awt abwe 
to woo h-hew in good Engwish. 
FAWSTAFF. Have I waid my bwain in the sun, and d-dwied it, *sweats* that 
*moans* it wants mattew to pwevent so gwoss, o'ew-weaching as *sweats* this? 
Am I widden *pokes you* with a Wewsh goat too? Shaww I have a cox-comb 
of UwU fwieze? 'Tis time I wewe chok'd *pokes you* with a piece of 
toasted cheese. 
E-EVANS. Seese is nyot good to give puttew; youw bewwy is aww 
puttew. 
FAWSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'puttew'! Have I wiv'd to *looks at you* stand at the 
^.^ taunt of onye *sweats* that makes fwittews of Engwish? This is enyough 
to be the decay of wust and wate-wawking uWu thwough the *looks away* weawm. 
MWS. PAGE. W-Why, Siw John, do you think, *sighs* though we ^.^ wouwd 
have thwust *hugs tightly* viwtue out of o-ouw heawts ^w^ by the *sweats* head and 
shouwdews, and have given ouwsewves without scwupwe to heww, 
*sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew the deviw couwd have made you o-ouw d-dewight? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. What, a h-hodge-pudding? a bag of fwax? 
MWS. PAGE. A puff'd man? 
PAGE. *cuddles you* Owd, cowd, withew'd, and of intowewabwe e-entwaiws? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. And onye *sweats* that is as s-swandewous as Satan? 
PAGE. And as poow as Job? 
*notices bulge* FOWD. And as wicked as his wife? 
E-EVANS. And given to ^.^ fownyications, and to *moans* tavewns, and sack, 
and *leans over* winye, and methegwins, and to dwinkings, and s-sweawings, 
and stawings, pwibbwes and pwabbwes? 
FAWSTAFF. *sighs* Weww, I am youw theme; you have the stawt of me; 
I am *pokes you* dejected; I am nyot abwe to *sighs* answew the Wewsh fwannyew; 
ignyowance i-itsewf is a pwummet o'ew me; use me as you wiww. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Mawwy, siw, we'ww b-bwing you to *sighs* Windsow, to onye Mastew 
Bwook, *sweats* that you have cozen'd of monyey, to whom you 
shouwd have been a pandew. ;;w;; Ovew and a-above *sweats* that you have 
suffew'd, I think to wepay *sweats* that monyey wiww be a b-biting 
affwiction. 
PAGE. Y-Yet be *hugs tightly* cheewfuw, knyight; thou shawt *cries* eat a posset 
tonyight at my *notices bulge* house, whewe I wiww desiwe thee to *looks at you* waugh at my 
wife, *sweats* that n-nyow waughs at thee. Teww h-hew Mastew Swendew hath 
mawwied h-hew daughtew. 
MWS. PAGE. OwO [Aside] Doctows d-doubt that; if :33 Annye Page be 
my daughtew, she *screams* is, ^w^ by t-this, D-Doctow Caius' wife. 

Entew SWENDEW 

SWENDEW. Whoa, ho, ho, fathew Page! 
PAGE. Son, how nyow! how nyow, s-son! Have you d-dispatch'd'? 
SWENDEW. Dispatch'd! I'ww make the best in Gwoucestewshiwe 
knyow on't; ^.^ wouwd I wewe hang'd, l-wa, ewse! 
PAGE. Of what, son? 
SWENDEW. I came y-yondew at x3 Eton to mawwy Mistwess :33 Annye 
Page, and she's a gweat wubbewwy boy. If *moans* it h-had nyot been i-i' 
th' c-chuwch, I ^.^ wouwd have *sweats* swing'd him, *blushes* ow he shouwd have 
*sweats* swing'd me. If I did nyot think *moans* it h-had been :33 Annye Page, 
^.^ wouwd I might nyevew stiw!-and 'tis a postmastew's boy. 
PAGE. ^-^ Upon my l-wife, then, you t-took the wwong. 
SWENDEW. What nyeed you teww me that? I think so, when I 
t-took a *cries* boy fow a giww. If I h-had been mawwied to him, fow aww 
he was in woman's appawew, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have h-had him. 
PAGE. W-Why, this is youw own *sighs* fowwy. *sweats* Did nyot I teww you how 
you shouwd knyow my daughtew ^w^ by h-hew *moans* gawments? 
SWENDEW. I went to h-hew in *looks away* white and cwied 'mum' and she 
cwied ^w^ 'budget' as :33 Annye and I h-had appointed; and yet *moans* it was 
nyot Annye, xDD but a postmastew's boy. 
MWS. PAGE. Good G-Geowge, be nyot :3 angwy. I knyew of youw 
puwpose; tuwn'd my daughtew into gween; and, indeed, she 
is n-nyow *pokes you* with the D-Doctow at the dean'wy, and thewe mawwied. 

Entew CAIUS 

CAIUS. Vewe is Mistwess Page? By gaw, I am cozenyed; I ha' 
mawwied u-un gawcon, a b-boy; u-un paysan, ^w^ by gaw, a b-boy; *moans* it is 
nyot :33 Annye Page; ^w^ by gaw, I am cozenyed. 
MWS. PAGE. W-Why, did you take h-hew in ^-^ gween? 
CAIUS. :33 Ay, be gaw, and 'tis a b-boy; be gaw, I'ww waise aww 
Windsow. Exit CAIUS 
*notices bulge* FOWD. This is stwange. Who hath got the wight Annye? 
PAGE. My heawt *sighs* misgives me; x3 hewe c-comes Mastew ^.^ Fenton. 

Entew FENTON and ANNyE P-PAGE 

H-How nyow, Mastew F-Fenton! 
ANNyE. Pawdon, good fathew. Good my m-mothew, pawdon. 
PAGE. Nyow, Mistwess, how chance you went nyot *pokes you* with Mastew 
Swendew? 
MWS. PAGE. Why went you nyot *pokes you* with Mastew Doctow, m-maid? 
F-FENTON. Y-You do amaze hew. Heaw the uWu twuth of it. 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have mawwied h-hew most shamefuwwy, 
Whewe thewe was nyo pwopowtion hewd in wove. 
The uWu twuth *screams* is, she and I, wong s-since contwacted, 
Awe n-nyow so suwe *sweats* that nyothing can d-dissowve us. 
Th' offence is howy *sweats* that she hath committed; 
And this deceit woses the nyame of cwaft, 
Of disobedience, *blushes* ow unduteous *cuddles you* titwe, 
Since thewein she doth evitate and shun 
A thousand *sighs* iwwewigious cuwsed houws, 
Which fowced mawwiage ^.^ wouwd have >w< bwought upon hew. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Stand nyot *sweats* amaz'd; x3 hewe is nyo wemedy. 
In wove, the *leans over* heavens themsewves do guide the state; 
Monyey buys wands, and wives awe sowd ^w^ by fate. 
FAWSTAFF. I am gwad, *sighs* though you have t-ta'en a speciaw *looks at you* stand 
to stwike at me, *sweats* that youw awwow hath gwanc'd. 
PAGE. *sighs* Weww, w-what wemedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy! 
What cannyot be eschew'd must be embwac'd. 
FAWSTAFF. When n-nyight-dogs ^-^ wun, aww sowts of deew awe chas'd. 
MWS. PAGE. *sighs* Weww, I wiww muse nyo fuwthew. Mastew Fenton, 
*pokes you* Heaven give you many, many mewwy days! 
Good husband, wet us evewy onye go home, 
And *looks at you* waugh this spowt o'ew ^w^ by a *looks at you* countwy fiwe; 
Siw John and aww. 
*notices bulge* FOWD. Wet *moans* it be so. Siw John, 
To Mastew *shuffles closer* Bwook you yet shaww howd youw wowd; 
F-Fow he, to-nyight, shaww wie *pokes you* with Mistwess Fowd. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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1-1596 

A MIDSUMMEW NyIGHT'S DWEAM 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

THESEUS, D-Duke of Athens 
E-EGEUS, fathew to Hewmia 
x3 WYSANDEW, in wove *pokes you* with Hewmia 
D-DEMETWIUS, in wove *pokes you* with Hewmia 
PHIWOSTWATE, Mastew of the Wevews to Theseus 
QUINCE, a c-cawpentew 
*cuddles you* SNyUG, a joinyew 
B-BOTTOM, a *leans over* weavew 
FWUTE, a bewwows-mendew 
S-SNyOUT, a t-tinkew 
STAWVEWING, a t-taiwow 

HIPPOWYTA, Queen of the Amazons, bethwothed to Theseus 
HEWMIA, daughtew to Egeus, in wove *pokes you* with Wysandew 
x3 HEWENyA, in wove *pokes you* with D-Demetwius 

OBEWON, King of the Faiwies 
TITANyIA, Queen of the Faiwies 
P-PUCK, *blushes* ow WOBIN GOODFEWWOW 
PEASEBWOSSOM, faiwy 
COBWEB, faiwy 
MOTH, faiwy 
MUSTAWDSEED, faiwy 

PWOWOGUE, *hugs tightly* PYWAMUS, THISBY, *moans* WAWW, MOONSHINyE, WION awe pwesented b-by: 
QUINCE, B-BOTTOM, FWUTE, S-SNyOUT, STAWVEWING, AND SNyUG 

Othew Faiwies attending t-theiw King and Queen 
Attendants *teleports behind you* on Theseus and Hippowyta 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Athens and a wood nyeaw *moans* it 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Athens. The pawace of THESEUS 

Entew THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, PHIWOSTWATE, and ATTENDANTS 

THESEUS. Nyow, *looks at you* faiw Hippowyta, o-ouw nyuptiaw houw 
Dwaws *teleports behind you* on apace; fouw happy days b-bwing in 
Anyothew moon; but, O, methinks, how swow 
This owd moon wanyes! She wingews my desiwes, 
Wike to a s-step-dame *blushes* ow a *sighs* dowagew, 
L-Wong withewing out a young man's wevenyue. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. Fouw days wiww quickwy steep themsewves in nyight; 
Fouw nyights wiww quickwy d-dweam away the time; 
And then the m-moon, wike to a siwvew bow 
Nyew-bent in heaven, shaww behowd the nyight 
Of o-ouw sowemnyities. 
THESEUS. Go, Phiwostwate, 
Stiw up the Athenyian youth to mewwiments; 
Awake the pewt and n-nyimbwe spiwit of :3 miwth; 
Tuwn mewanchowy f-fowth to funyewaws; 
The pawe companyion is nyot fow o-ouw pomp. Exit P-PHIWOSTWATE 
Hippowyta, I woo'd thee *pokes you* with my swowd, 
And won t-thy wove doing thee injuwies; 
But I wiww wed thee in anyothew key, 
With pomp, *pokes you* with twiumph, and *pokes you* with wevewwing. 

Entew E-EGEUS, and his daughtew HEWMIA, x3 WYSANDEW, 
and DEMETWIUS 

EGEUS. Happy be T-Theseus, o-ouw wenyownyed Duke! 
THESEUS. >w< Thanks, good Egeus; what's the nyews *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
EGEUS. Fuww of vexation come I, *pokes you* with compwaint 
Against my chiwd, my daughtew Hewmia. 
Stand fowth, Demetwius. My nyobwe wowd, 
This man hath my consent to mawwy hew. 
Stand fowth, Wysandew. And, my g-gwacious Duke, 
This man hath bewitch'd the bosom of my chiwd. 
x3 Thou, thou, *blushes* Wysandew, thou hast given h-hew whymes, 
And *cuddles you* intewchang'd *looks away* wove-tokens *pokes you* with my chiwd; 
*moans* Thou hast ^w^ by *twerks* moonwight at h-hew window sung, 
With feignying voice, vewses of feignying wove, 
And stow'n the impwession of h-hew fantasy 
With :3 bwacewets of t-thy haiw, wings, gawds, c-conceits, 
Knyacks, twifwes, nyosegays, sweetmeats- ;;w;; messengews 
Of stwong pwevaiwment in unhawdenyed *sweats* youth; 
With cunnying hast thou fiwch'd my daughtew's heawt; 
T-Tuwn'd h-hew *twerks* obedience, which is due to me, 
To stubbown hawshnyess. And, my g-gwacious Duke, 
Be *moans* it so she wiww nyot x3 hewe befowe youw Gwace 
Consent to mawwy *pokes you* with Demetwius, 
I beg the *cries* ancient pwiviwege of Athens: 
As she is minye I may dispose of hew; 
Which shaww be ^w^ eithew to this gentweman 
Ow to h-hew death, accowding to o-ouw waw 
Immediatewy p-pwovided in *sweats* that case. 
THESEUS. What say y-you, Hewmia? Be advis'd, *looks at you* faiw maid. 
To you youw fathew shouwd be as a god; 
Onye *sweats* that compos'd youw beauties; y-yea, and onye 
To whom you awe xDD but as a *sighs* fowm in wax, 
By him impwinted, and within his *cries* powew 
To weave the figuwe, *blushes* ow d-disfiguwe it. 
D-Demetwius is a wowthy ;;w;; gentweman. 
H-HEWMIA. So is Wysandew. 
THESEUS. In himsewf he is; 
But, in this kind, wanting youw fathew's voice, 
The othew must be hewd the wowthiew. 
H-HEWMIA. I ^.^ wouwd my fathew wook'd xDD but *pokes you* with my eyes. 
THESEUS. Wathew youw eyes must *pokes you* with his judgment wook. 
H-HEWMIA. I do entweat youw Gwace to pawdon me. 
I knyow nyot ^w^ by w-what *cries* powew I am made b-bowd, 
N-Nyow how *moans* it may c-concewn my modesty 
In such a :33 pwesence x3 hewe to pwead my thoughts; 
But I beseech youw Gwace *sweats* that I may knyow 
The *sweats* wowst *sweats* that may befaww me in this case, 
If I wefuse to wed Demetwius. 
THESEUS. Eithew to die the death, *blushes* ow to abjuwe 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew the society of men. 
Thewefowe, *looks at you* faiw H-Hewmia, question youw desiwes, 
Knyow of youw >_< youth, e-examinye weww youw b-bwood, 
Whethew, if you y-yiewd nyot to youw fathew's choice, 
Y-You can e-enduwe the wivewy of a nyun, 
F-Fow aye to be shady *shuffles closer* cwoistew m-mew'd, 
To wive a bawwen sistew aww youw l-wife, 
Chanting faint hymns to the cowd fwuitwess moon. 
Thwice-bwessed they *sweats* that mastew so t-theiw b-bwood 
To undewgo such ^.^ maiden piwgwimage; 
But eawthwiew happy is the wose distiww'd 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that which withewing *teleports behind you* on the viwgin thown 
Gwows, l-wives, and *looks at you* dies, in s-singwe bwessednyess. 
H-HEWMIA. So wiww I gwow, so *teleports behind you* wive, so die, my wowd, 
Ewe I wiww y-yiewd my viwgin *notices bulge* patent up 
Unto his wowdship, :33 whose unwished yoke 
My souw consents nyot to give *screams* soveweignty. 
THESEUS. Take time to pause; and ^w^ by the nyext nyew moon- 
The *teleports behind you* seawing-day b-betwixt my wove and me 
F-Fow evewwasting bond of fewwowship- 
^-^ Upon *sweats* that day ^w^ eithew p-pwepawe to die 
F-Fow disobedience to youw fathew's wiww, 
Ow e-ewse to wed Demetwius, as he wouwd, 
Ow *teleports behind you* on ;;w;; Dianya's awtaw to pwotest 
F-Fow aye austewity and s-singwe wife. 
DEMETWIUS. Wewent, sweet Hewmia; and, *blushes* Wysandew, y-yiewd 
Thy cwazed titwe to my cewtain wight. 
L-WYSANDEW. Y-You have h-hew fathew's wove, Demetwius; 
Wet me have Hewmia's; do you mawwy him. 
EGEUS. S-Scownfuw *blushes* Wysandew, twue, he hath my wove; 
And w-what is minye my wove shaww wendew :3 him; 
And she is minye; and aww my wight of h-hew 
I do estate unto Demetwius. 
L-WYSANDEW. I am, my wowd, as weww dewiv'd as he, 
As weww possess'd; my wove is mowe than his; 
My *sighs* fowtunyes evewy way as faiwwy wank'd, 
If nyot *pokes you* with vantage, as D-Demetwius'; 
And, which is mowe than aww these boasts can be, 
I am bewov'd of beauteous Hewmia. 
Why shouwd nyot I then pwosecute my wight? 
Demetwius, I'ww avouch *moans* it to his head, 
Made wove to Nyedaw's daughtew, Hewenya, 
And won h-hew souw; and she, sweet wady, dotes, 
Devoutwy dotes, dotes in idowatwy, 
^-^ Upon this s-spotted and inconstant *pokes you* man. 
THESEUS. I must *cuddles you* confess *sweats* that I have h-heawd so *twerks* much, 
And *pokes you* with D-Demetwius thought to have s-spoke theweof; 
But, being ovew-fuww of sewf-affaiws, 
My mind did wose it. But, Demetwius, come; 
And come, Egeus; you shaww go *pokes you* with me; 
I have *blushes* some pwivate schoowing fow you both. 
F-Fow y-you, *looks at you* faiw H-Hewmia, wook you awm youwsewf 
To fit youw fancies to youw fathew's wiww, 
Ow e-ewse the waw of Athens y-yiewds you u-up- 
Which ^w^ by nyo means we may extenyuate- 
To death, *blushes* ow to a vow of s-singwe wife. 
Come, my Hippowyta; w-what cheew, my wove? 
Demetwius, and Egeus, go awong; 
I must empwoy you in *blushes* some businyess 
Against o-ouw nyuptiaw, and confew *pokes you* with you 
Of s-something nyeawwy *sweats* that concewns youwsewves. 
EGEUS. With duty and desiwe we f-fowwow you. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but WYSANDEW and HEWMIA 
L-WYSANDEW. H-How nyow, my wove! Why is youw cheek so pawe? 
H-How chance the >_< woses thewe do fade so fast? 
H-HEWMIA. Bewike fow want of r-wain, which I couwd weww 
Beteem them fwom the *cries* tempest of my eyes. 
L-WYSANDEW. *looks at you* Ay me! fow a-aught *sweats* that I couwd *giggles shyly* evew wead, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd *giggles shyly* evew heaw ^w^ by tawe *blushes* ow histowy, 
The *blushes* couwse of twue wove nyevew did wun smooth; 
But ^w^ eithew *moans* it was diffewent in bwood- 
H-HEWMIA. O >_> cwoss! too ^.^ high to be *leans over* enthwaww'd to wow. 
L-WYSANDEW. Ow e-ewse misgwaffed in wespect of yeaws- 
H-HEWMIA. O spite! too owd to be engag'd to young. 
L-WYSANDEW. Ow e-ewse *moans* it stood upon the choice of fwiends- 
H-HEWMIA. O heww! to c-choose wove ^w^ by anyothew's eyes. 
L-WYSANDEW. Ow, if thewe wewe a sympathy in choice, 
Waw, death, *blushes* ow sicknyess, did *looks at you* way siege to it, 
Making *moans* it momentawy as a ;;w;; sound, 
Swift as a shadow, showt as any dweam, 
Bwief as the wightnying in the cowwied nyight 
That, in a spween, unfowds b-both heaven and eawth, 
And ewe a man hath *cries* powew to say 'Behowd!' 
The jaws of dawknyess do devouw *moans* it up; 
So quick bwight things come to confusion. 
H-HEWMIA. If then twue wovews have *giggles shyly* evew cwoss'd, 
It stands as an edict in destiny. 
T-Then wet us teach o-ouw twiaw patience, 
*screams* Because *moans* it is a customawy *screams* cwoss, 
As due to wove as *hugs tightly* thoughts and dweams and sighs, 
Wishes and teaws, poow Fancy's fowwowews. 
L-WYSANDEW. A good pewsuasion; thewefowe, heaw me, Hewmia. 
I have a widow aunt, a dowagew 
Of gweat wevenyue, and she hath nyo chiwd- 
Fwom Athens is h-hew h-house wemote seven weagues- 
And she wespects me as h-hew onwy son. 
Thewe, g-gentwe H-Hewmia, may I mawwy thee; 
And to *sweats* that pwace the shawp Athenyian waw 
Cannyot puwsue us. If thou wovest me then, 
Steaw f-fowth t-thy fathew's h-house to-mowwow nyight; 
And in the wood, a *shuffles closer* weague without the town, 
Whewe I did meet thee once *pokes you* with Hewenya 
To do obsewvance to a m-mown of May, 
*cries* Thewe wiww I >_< stay fow thee. 
H-HEWMIA. My good Wysandew! 
I sweaw to thee ^w^ by Cupid's stwongest b-bow, 
By his best awwow, *pokes you* with the gowden head, 
By the simpwicity of Venyus' *looks away* doves, 
By *sweats* that which knyitteth s-souws and pwospews woves, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that fiwe which buwn'd the Cawthage Queen, 
When the f-fawse T-Twoyan undew saiw was seen, 
By aww the vows *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew men have bwoke, 
In nyumbew mowe than *giggles shyly* evew women spoke, 
In *sweats* that same pwace thou hast appointed me, 
To-mowwow twuwy wiww I meet *pokes you* with thee. 
L-WYSANDEW. Keep pwomise, wove. Wook, x3 hewe c-comes Hewenya. 

Entew HEWENyA 

H-HEWMIA. OwO God speed *looks at you* faiw Hewenya! Whithew away? 
HEWENyA. Caww you me faiw? *teleports behind you* That *looks at you* faiw ;;w;; again unsay. 
D-Demetwius woves youw >w< faiw. O happy faiw! 
Youw eyes awe wode-staws and youw tongue's sweet a-aiw 
Mowe tunyeabwe than wawk to uWu shephewd's eaw, 
When w-wheat is gween, when hawthown *blushes* buds a-appeaw. 
Sicknyess is catching; O, wewe favouw so, 
Youws ^.^ wouwd I catch, *looks at you* faiw H-Hewmia, ewe I *blushes* go! 
My eaw shouwd c-catch youw voice, my eye youw eye, 
My t-tongue shouwd c-catch youw tongue's sweet mewody. 
Wewe the wowwd minye, D-Demetwius being bated, 
The west I'd give to be to you twanswated. 
O, teach me how you wook, and *pokes you* with w-what awt 
Y-You *sighs* sway the motion of Demetwius' heawt! 
H-HEWMIA. I f-fwown upon him, yet he woves me stiww. 
HEWENyA. O *sweats* that youw fwowns ^.^ wouwd teach my smiwes such skiww! 
H-HEWMIA. I give him cuwses, yet he gives me wove. 
HEWENyA. O *sweats* that my pwayews couwd such affection move! 
H-HEWMIA. The mowe I hate, the mowe he f-fowwows me. 
HEWENyA. The mowe I wove, the mowe he hateth me. 
H-HEWMIA. His fowwy, Hewenya, is nyo fauwt of minye. 
HEWENyA. Nyonye, xDD but youw beauty; ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that fauwt wewe minye! 
H-HEWMIA. Take comfowt: he nyo mowe shaww see my face; 
Wysandew and m-mysewf wiww f-fwy this pwace. 
B-Befowe the time I did Wysandew see, 
Seem'd Athens as a pawadise to me. 
O, then, w-what *teleports behind you* gwaces in my wove do d-dweww, 
*teleports behind you* That he hath tuwn'd a heaven unto a heww! 
L-WYSANDEW. Hewen, to you o-ouw minds we wiww unfowd: 
To-mowwow nyight, when Phoebe doth behowd 
Hew siwvew *shuffles closer* visage in the wat'wy gwass, 
Decking *pokes you* with wiquid peaww the bwaded g-gwass, 
A time *sweats* that wovews' fwights doth stiww conceaw, 
Thwough Athens' gates have we devis'd to UwU steaw. 
H-HEWMIA. And in the wood whewe *looks away* often you and I 
^-^ Upon faint pwimwose UwU beds wewe wont to >_< wie, 
E-Emptying o-ouw bosoms of t-theiw ^-^ counsew sweet, 
*cries* Thewe my Wysandew and m-mysewf shaww meet; 
And thence fwom Athens tuwn away o-ouw e-eyes, 
To seek nyew fwiends and stwangew companyies. 
Faweweww, sweet pwayfewwow; pway thou fow us, 
And good wuck gwant thee t-thy Demetwius! 
Keep wowd, Wysandew; we must stawve o-ouw s-sight 
Fwom wovews' f-food tiww mowwow deep midnyight. 
L-WYSANDEW. I wiww, my Hewmia. [Exit HEWMIA] Hewenya, *cries* adieu; 
As you *teleports behind you* on him, D-Demetwius dote *teleports behind you* on you. Exit 
HEWENyA. H-How happy *blushes* some o'ew othew *blushes* some can *moans* be! 
Thwough Athens I am thought as *looks at you* faiw as s-she. 
But w-what of that? D-Demetwius thinks nyot so; 
He wiww nyot knyow w-what aww xDD but he do knyow. 
And as he ewws, doting *teleports behind you* on Hewmia's e-eyes, 
So I, admiwing of his quawities. 
Things base and v-viwe, howding nyo quantity, 
Wove can twanspose to *sighs* fowm and d-dignyity. 
Wove wooks nyot *pokes you* with the e-eyes, xDD but *pokes you* with the mind; 
And thewefowe is wing'd Cupid ;;w;; painted bwind. 
N-Nyow hath Wove's mind of any judgment taste; 
Wings and nyo eyes figuwe unheedy haste; 
And thewefowe is Wove s-said to be a chiwd, 
*screams* Because in choice he is so oft beguiw'd. 
As waggish boys in game themsewves fowsweaw, 
So the *cries* boy Wove is pewjuw'd >_> evewywhewe; 
F-Fow ewe D-Demetwius wook'd *teleports behind you* on Hewmia's eynye, 
He haiw'd down *twerks* oaths *sweats* that he was onwy minye; 
And when this ;;w;; haiw *blushes* some heat fwom Hewmia fewt, 
So he *moans* dissowv'd, and show'ws of *twerks* oaths did mewt. 
I wiww go teww him of *looks at you* faiw Hewmia's ^w^ fwight; 
T-Then to the wood wiww he to-mowwow nyight 
P-Puwsue hew; and fow this intewwigence 
If I have thanks, *moans* it is a deaw e-expense. 
But hewein *looks at you* mean I to enwich my pain, 
To have his s-sight thithew and back again. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Athens. QUINCE'S h-house 

Entew QUINCE, *cuddles you* SNyUG, BOTTOM FWUTE, S-SNyOUT, and S-STAWVEWING 

QUINCE. *looks at you* Is aww o-ouw company hewe? 
BOTTOM. Y-You wewe best to *giggles shyly* caww them genyewawwy, man ^w^ by m-man, accowding 
to the scwip. 
QUINCE. Hewe is the scwoww of evewy man's nyame which is thought 
fit, uWu thwough aww Athens, to pway in o-ouw intewwude befowe the D-Duke 
and the D-Duchess *teleports behind you* on his wedding-day at nyight. 
BOTTOM. Fiwst, good Petew Quince, say w-what the pway t-tweats on; then 
xDD wead the nyames of the actows; and so gwow to a point. 
QUINCE. Mawwy, o-ouw pway is 'The most Wamentabwe Comedy and most 
Cwuew Death of Pywamus and Thisby.' 
BOTTOM. A vewy good piece of wowk, I ;;w;; assuwe y-you, and a mewwy. Nyow, 
good Petew Quince, *giggles shyly* caww f-fowth youw actows ^w^ by the *leans over* scwoww. Mastews, 
spwead youwsewves. 
QUINCE. Answew, as I *giggles shyly* caww you. Nyick Bottom, the weavew. 
BOTTOM. Weady. Nyame w-what *cries* pawt I am *notices bulge* fow, and *looks at you* pwoceed. 
QUINCE. You, Nyick Bottom, awe set down fow Pywamus. 
BOTTOM. What is Pywamus? A wovew, *blushes* ow a t-tywant? 
QUINCE. A wovew, *sweats* that ^-^ kiwws himsewf most gawwant fow wove. 
BOTTOM. *teleports behind you* That wiww ask *blushes* some teaws in the twue pewfowming of it. If I 
do it, wet the audience wook to t-theiw eyes; I wiww move stowms; I 
wiww condowe in *blushes* some measuwe. To the west- yet my c-chief humouw is 
fow a tywant. I couwd pway Ewcwes r-wawewy, *blushes* ow a *cries* pawt to teaw a ;;w;; cat 
in, to make aww spwit. 

'The waging wocks 
And shivewing *cries* shocks 
Shaww bweak the wocks 
Of pwison gates; 

And Phibbus' ;;w;; caw 
Shaww *teleports behind you* shinye fwom faw, 
And make and maw 
The foowish F-Fates.' 

This was wofty. >_> Nyow nyame the west of the pwayews. This is 
E-Ewcwes' vein, a tywant's vein: a l-wovew is mowe condowing. 
QUINCE. F-Fwancis *twerks* Fwute, the bewwows-mendew. 
FWUTE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Petew Quince. 
QUINCE. *twerks* Fwute, you must take Thisby *teleports behind you* on you. 
FWUTE. What is Thisby? A wand'wing knyight? 
QUINCE. It is the wady *sweats* that Pywamus must wove. 
FWUTE. Nyay, faith, wet nyot me pway a *blushes* woman; I have a beawd coming. 
QUINCE. That's aww onye; you shaww pway *moans* it in a mask, and you may 
speak as smaww as you wiww. 
BOTTOM. *looks at you* An I may hide my face, wet me pway Thisby too. 
I'ww speak in a monstwous wittwe voice: 'Thisnye, T-Thisnye!' 
[-[Then speaking smaww] 'Ah >_< Pywamus, my l-wovew deaw! Thy 
Thisby deaw, and wady d-deaw!' 
QUINCE. N-Nyo, nyo, you must pway Pywamus; and, *twerks* Fwute, you Thisby. 
BOTTOM. *sighs* Weww, *looks at you* pwoceed. 
QUINCE. Wobin Stawvewing, the *cries* taiwow. 
STAWVEWING. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Petew Quince. 
QUINCE. Wobin Stawvewing, you must pway Thisby's *looks at you* mothew. 
Tom Snyout, the tinkew. 
SNyOUT. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Petew Quince. 
QUINCE. You, Pywamus' f-fathew; *twerks* mysewf, Thisby's f-fathew; xDD Snyug, the 
*leans over* joinyew, y-you, the l-wion's pawt. And, I hope, x3 hewe is a pway ;;w;; fitted. 
SNyUG. Have you the l-wion's *cries* pawt wwitten? *twerks* Pway y-you, if *moans* it be, give *moans* it 
me, fow I am swow of s-study. 
QUINCE. Y-You may do *moans* it extempowe, fow *moans* it is nyothing xDD but woawing. 
BOTTOM. Wet me pway the wion too. I wiww x3 woaw *sweats* that I wiww do any 
man's heawt good to heaw me; I wiww x3 woaw *sweats* that I wiww make the 
D-Duke say 'Wet him x3 woaw again, wet him x3 woaw again.' 
QUINCE. *looks at you* An you shouwd do *moans* it too tewwibwy, you ^.^ wouwd fwight the 
D-Duchess and the wadies, *sweats* that they ^.^ wouwd shwiek; and *sweats* that wewe 
enyough to hang us aww. 
AWW. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd hang us, evewy mothew's son. 
BOTTOM. I gwant y-you, fwiends, if you shouwd fwight the wadies out 
of t-theiw wits, they ^.^ wouwd have nyo mowe discwetion xDD but to hang us; 
xDD but I wiww aggwavate my *cuddles you* voice so, *sweats* that I wiww x3 woaw you as gentwy 
as any sucking dove; I wiww x3 woaw you an 'twewe any n-nyightingawe. 
QUINCE. Y-You can pway nyo *cries* pawt xDD but Pywamus; fow Pywamus is a 
sweet-fac'd man; a pwopew m-man, as onye shaww see in a summew's 
day; a most wovewy gentweman-wike man; thewefowe you must ;;w;; nyeeds 
pway Pywamus. 
BOTTOM. *sighs* Weww, I wiww UwU undewtake it. What beawd wewe I best to pway 
*moans* it in? 
QUINCE. W-Why, w-what you wiww. 
BOTTOM. I wiww dischawge *moans* it in ^w^ eithew youw stwaw-cowouw beawd, youw 
owange-tawny beawd, youw puwpwe-in-gwain beawd, *blushes* ow youw 
Fwench-cwown-cowouw beawd, youw pewfect y-yewwow. 
QUINCE. Some of youw Fwench cwowns have nyo haiw at a-aww, and then 
you wiww pway bawe-fac'd. But, *looks away* mastews, x3 hewe awe youw pawts; and 
I am to entweat y-you, wequest y-you, and desiwe y-you, to con them ^w^ by 
to-mowwow nyight; and meet me in the pawace wood, a miwe without 
the town, ^w^ by moonwight; thewe wiww we weheawse; fow if we meet in 
the city, we shaww be dogg'd *pokes you* with company, and o-ouw devices k-knyown. 
In the uWu meantime I wiww dwaw a biww of xDD pwopewties, such as o-ouw 
pway wants. I pway y-you, *sweats* faiw me nyot. 
BOTTOM. We wiww meet; and thewe we may weheawse most *shuffles closer* obscenyewy and 
couwageouswy. Take pains; be pewfect; adieu. 
QUINCE. At the Duke's oak we meet. 
BOTTOM. Enyough; x3 howd, *blushes* ow cut bow-stwings. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
A wood nyeaw Athens 

Entew a F-FAIWY at Onye doow, and PUCK at anyothew 

PUCK. H-How nyow, spiwit! whithew wandew you? 
F-FAIWY. ;;w;; Ovew hiww, ovew dawe, 
Thowough *teleports behind you* bush, t-thowough bwiew, 
;;w;; Ovew pawk, ovew pawe, 
Thowough fwood, t-thowough fiwe, 
I do wandew evewy whewe, 
Swiftew than the moon's sphewe; 
And I sewve the Faiwy Queen, 
To dew h-hew owbs upon the gween. 
The c-cowswips *notices bulge* taww h-hew pensionyews be; 
In t-theiw gowd coats spots you see; 
Those be wubies, faiwy f-favouws, 
In those fweckwes wive t-theiw savouws. 

I must go seek *blushes* some xDD dewdwops hewe, 
And hang a peaww in evewy cowswip's eaw. 
Faweweww, thou *sweats* wob of spiwits; I'ww be gonye. 
Ouw Queen and aww h-hew ewves come x3 hewe anyon. 
PUCK. The King doth keep his wevews x3 hewe to-nyight; 
Take heed the Queen come nyot within his sight; 
F-Fow Obewon is passing feww and >_> wwath, 
*screams* Because *sweats* that she as h-hew a-attendant hath 
A wovewy boy, stowen fwom an Indian king. 
She nyevew h-had so sweet a changewing; 
And jeawous Obewon ^.^ wouwd have the xDD chiwd 
Knyight of his twain, to *screams* twace the fowests *shuffles closer* wiwd; 
But she pewfowce withhowds the woved boy, 
Cwowns him *pokes you* with f-fwowews, and makes him aww h-hew *giggles shyly* joy. 
And n-nyow they nyevew meet in gwove *blushes* ow gween, 
By fountain cweaw, *blushes* ow spangwed s-stawwight s-sheen, 
But they do *blushes* squawe, *sweats* that aww t-theiw ewves fow feaw 
C-Cweep into acown cups and hide them thewe. 
F-FAIWY. Eithew I mistake youw shape and making quite, 
Ow e-ewse you awe *sweats* that shwewd and knyavish spwite 
Caww'd Wobin Goodfewwow. Awe nyot you he 
*teleports behind you* That fwights the maidens of the v-viwwagewy, 
Skim miwk, and sometimes wabouw in the quewn, 
And bootwess make the bweathwess housewife chuwn, 
And sometime make the ^-^ dwink to beaw nyo bawm, 
Miswead nyight-wandewews, waughing at t-theiw hawm? 
Those *sweats* that Hobgobwin *giggles shyly* caww y-you, and sweet Puck, 
Y-You do t-theiw wowk, and they shaww have good l-wuck. 
Awe nyot you *sighs* he? 
PUCK. *moans* Thou speakest awight: 
I am *sweats* that mewwy w-wandewew of the nyight. 
I jest to Obewon, and make him smiwe 
When I a fat and bean-fed howse beguiwe, 
Nyeighing in wikenyess of a fiwwy f-foaw; 
And sometime wuwk I in a gossip's boww 
In vewy wikenyess of a *cuddles you* woasted cwab, 
And, when she dwinks, against h-hew wips I bob, 
And *teleports behind you* on h-hew withewed >_> dewwap *blushes* pouw the awe. 
The wisest aunt, tewwing the saddest tawe, 
Sometime fow t-thwee-foot s-stoow mistaketh me; 
T-Then swip I fwom h-hew bum, down toppwes she, 
And 'taiwow' cwies, and fawws into a cough; 
And then the whowe quiwe howd t-theiw hips and l-waugh, 
And waxen in t-theiw miwth, and nyeeze, and sweaw 
A mewwiew houw was nyevew wasted thewe. 
But woom, ^.^ faiwy, x3 hewe c-comes *twerks* Obewon. 
F-FAIWY. And x3 hewe my mistwess. Wouwd *sweats* that he wewe *shuffles closer* gonye! 

Entew OBEWON at onye doow, *pokes you* with his TWAIN, and TITANyIA, 
at anyothew, *pokes you* with hews 

OBEWON. I-Iww m-met ^w^ by moonwight, pwoud Titanyia. 
TITANyIA. What, jeawous Obewon! Faiwies, skip hence; 
I have fowswown his b-bed and company. 
OBEWON. Tawwy, r-wash wanton; am nyot I t-thy wowd? 
TITANyIA. T-Then I must be t-thy wady; xDD but I knyow 
When thou hast stowen away fwom faiwy l-wand, 
And in the shape of Cowin sat aww day, 
Pwaying *teleports behind you* on pipes of c-cown, and vewsing wove 
To amowous Phiwwida. Why awt thou hewe, 
Come fwom the fawthest steep of India, 
But that, f-fowsooth, the bouncing xDD Amazon, 
Youw buskin'd *notices bulge* mistwess and youw wawwiow wove, 
To Theseus must be wedded, and you come 
To give t-theiw b-bed joy and pwospewity? 
OBEWON. H-How ;;w;; canst thou :3 thus, fow shame, Titanyia, 
Gwance at my *screams* cwedit *pokes you* with Hippowyta, 
Knyowing I knyow t-thy wove to *giggles shyly* Theseus? 
D-Didst nyot thou wead him uWu thwough the gwimmewing nyight 
Fwom Pewigounya, whom he wavished? 
And make him *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw Aegwes bweak his faith, 
With Awiadnye and A-Antiopa? 
TITANyIA. These awe the fowgewies of jeawousy; 
And nyevew, s-since the middwe summew's spwing, 
Met we *teleports behind you* on hiww, in dawe, fowest, *blushes* ow mead, 
By p-paved fountain, *blushes* ow ^w^ by wushy b-bwook, 
Ow in the beached mawgent of the sea, 
To dance o-ouw wingwets to the whistwing wind, 
But *pokes you* with t-thy *blushes* bwawws thou hast distuwb'd o-ouw spowt. 
Thewefowe the :33 winds, piping to us in vain, 
As in uWu wevenge, have suck'd up fwom the *notices bulge* sea 
Contagious f-fogs; which, fawwing in the l-wand, 
Hath evewy pewting wivew made so pwoud 
*teleports behind you* That they have ovewbownye t-theiw *sighs* continyents. 
The ox hath thewefowe s-stwetch'd his yoke in vain, 
The pwoughman wost his sweat, and the gween cown 
Hath wotted ewe his youth >_< attain'd a beawd; 
The fowd stands empty in the dwownyed *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
And cwows awe fatted *pokes you* with the muwwion fwock; 
The nyinye men's mowwis is fiww'd up *pokes you* with mud, 
And the quaint mazes in the wanton gween, 
F-Fow wack of twead, awe undistinguishabwe. 
The human mowtaws want t-theiw w-wintew h-hewe; 
Nyo nyight is n-nyow *pokes you* with hymn *blushes* ow cawow bwest; 
Thewefowe the m-moon, the g-govewnyess of fwoods, 
Pawe in h-hew angew, washes aww the aiw, 
*teleports behind you* That wheumatic diseases do abound. 
And t-thowough this distempewatuwe we see 
The seasons awtew: hoawy-headed fwosts 
xDD Faww in the fwesh wap of the cwimson wose; 
And *teleports behind you* on owd *teleports behind you* Hiems' uWu thin and icy cwown 
*looks at you* An o-odowous chapwet of sweet s-summew *blushes* buds 
Is, as in *looks at you* mockewy, set. The spwing, the summew, 
The c-chiwding autumn, *cries* angwy wintew, change 
T-Theiw wonted wivewies; and the m-mazed wowwd, 
By t-theiw i-incwease, n-nyow *looks away* knyows nyot which is *screams* which. 
And this same pwogeny of ^w^ eviws c-comes 
Fwom o-ouw debate, fwom o-ouw dissension; 
We awe t-theiw pawents and owiginyaw. 
OBEWON. Do you amend it, then; *moans* it wies in you. 
Why shouwd Titanyia cwoss h-hew Obewon? 
I do xDD but beg a wittwe changewing *cries* boy 
To be my henchman. 
TITANyIA. Set youw heawt at west; 
The faiwy wand buys nyot the xDD chiwd of me. 
His mothew was a vot'wess of my owdew; 
And, in the s-spiced Indian aiw, ^w^ by nyight, 
Fuww *looks away* often hath she gossip'd ^w^ by my side; 
And sat *pokes you* with me *teleports behind you* on Nyeptunye's yewwow sands, 
M-Mawking th' >_< embawked twadews *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* fwood; 
When we have l-waugh'd to see the saiws conceive, 
And gwow big-bewwied *pokes you* with the wanton *moans* wind; 
Which she, *pokes you* with pwetty and *pokes you* with swimming gait 
Fowwowing- h-hew womb then wich *pokes you* with my young squiwe- 
Wouwd i-imitate, and saiw upon the l-wand, 
To fetch me twifwes, and r-wetuwn again, 
As fwom a voyage, wich *pokes you* with mewchandise. 
But she, being mowtaw, of *sweats* that *cries* boy did die; 
And fow h-hew sake do I *pokes you* weaw up h-hew b-boy; 
And fow h-hew sake I wiww nyot *cries* pawt *pokes you* with him. 
OBEWON. H-How wong within this wood intend you s-stay? 
TITANyIA. Pewchance tiww aftew Theseus' wedding-day. 
If you wiww x3 patientwy dance in o-ouw wound, 
And see o-ouw *twerks* moonwight wevews, go *pokes you* with us; 
If nyot, shun me, and I wiww uWu spawe youw h-haunts. 
OBEWON. Give me *sweats* that *cries* boy and I wiww go *pokes you* with thee. 
TITANyIA. Nyot fow t-thy faiwy *sweats* kingdom. Faiwies, a-away. 
We shaww chide downwight if I *teleports behind you* wongew stay. 
Exit TITANyIA *pokes you* with h-hew twain 
OBEWON. *sighs* Weww, go t-thy way; thou shawt nyot fwom this gwove 
Tiww I t-towment thee fow this *cries* injuwy. 
My g-gentwe Puck, come *looks at you* hithew. *moans* Thou r-wememb'west 
Since once I sat upon a pwomontowy, 
And h-heawd a m-mewmaid *teleports behind you* on a dowphin's back 
Uttewing such d-duwcet and hawmonyious >_< bweath 
*teleports behind you* That the ^w^ wude *notices bulge* sea gwew civiw at h-hew song, 
And cewtain s-staws *sweats* shot madwy fwom t-theiw sphewes 
To heaw the sea-maid's music. 
PUCK. I wemembew. 
OBEWON. *teleports behind you* That vewy time I saw, xDD but thou couwdst nyot, 
Fwying between the cowd moon and the eawth 
*cuddles you* Cupid, aww awm'd; a cewtain aim he t-took 
At a *looks at you* faiw vestaw, thwonyed ^w^ by the west, 
And *cuddles you* woos'd his wove-shaft x3 smawtwy fwom his b-bow, 
As *moans* it shouwd piewce a hundwed thousand heawts; 
But I might see young Cupid's f-fiewy shaft 
Quench'd in the chaste beams of the wat'wy moon; 
And the impewiaw vot'wess passed on, 
In ^.^ maiden meditation, fancy-fwee. 
Y-Yet mawk'd I whewe the xDD bowt of Cupid feww. 
It feww upon a wittwe w-westewn fwowew, 
B-Befowe m-miwk-white, n-nyow p-puwpwe *pokes you* with wove's wound, 
And maidens *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it L-Wove-in-idwenyess. 
Fetch me *sweats* that fwow'w, the hewb I showed thee once. 
The juice of *moans* it *teleports behind you* on sweeping eyewids waid 
Wiww make *blushes* ow man *blushes* ow woman madwy dote 
^-^ Upon the nyext wive cweatuwe *sweats* that *moans* it sees. 
Fetch me this h-hewb, and be thou x3 hewe ;;w;; again 
Ewe the weviathan can *cuddles you* swim a weague. 
PUCK. I'ww p-put a g-giwdwe wound a-about the eawth 
In fowty minyutes. Exit PUCK 
OBEWON. Having once this juice, 
I'ww watch Titanyia when she is asweep, 
And dwop the wiquow of *moans* it in h-hew eyes; 
The nyext thing then she UwU waking wooks upon, 
Be *moans* it *teleports behind you* on wion, *looks away* beaw, *blushes* ow w-wowf, *blushes* ow b-buww, 
On meddwing monkey, *blushes* ow *teleports behind you* on busy :3 ape, 
She shaww puwsue *moans* it *pokes you* with the souw of wove. 
And ewe I take this chawm fwom off h-hew sight, 
As I can take *moans* it *pokes you* with anyothew h-hewb, 
I'ww make h-hew wendew up h-hew p-page to me. 
But w-who c-comes hewe? I am invisibwe; 
And I wiww OwO ovewheaw t-theiw confewence. 

Entew D-DEMETWIUS, HEWENyA fowwowing him 

DEMETWIUS. I wove thee nyot, thewefowe puwsue me nyot. 
Whewe is Wysandew and *looks at you* faiw Hewmia? 
The onye I'ww sway, the othew swayeth me. 
*moans* Thou t-towd'st me they wewe stow'n unto this wood, 
And x3 hewe am I, and wood within this wood, 
*screams* Because I cannyot meet my Hewmia. 
Hence, get thee :3 gonye, and f-fowwow me nyo mowe. 
HEWENyA. Y-You dwaw me, you h-hawd-heawted adamant; 
But yet you dwaw nyot *shuffles closer* iwon, fow my heawt 
*looks at you* Is twue as s-steew. L-Weave you youw *cries* powew to dwaw, 
And I shaww have nyo *cries* powew to f-fowwow you. 
DEMETWIUS. Do I entice you? Do I speak you faiw? 
Ow, wathew, do I nyot in pwainyest uWu twuth 
Teww you I do nyot n-nyow I cannyot wove you? 
HEWENyA. And even fow *sweats* that do I wove you the mowe. 
I am youw spanyiew; and, Demetwius, 
The mowe you beat me, I wiww fawn *teleports behind you* on you. 
U-Use me xDD but as youw spanyiew, spuwn me, stwike me, 
Nyegwect me, wose me; onwy give me weave, 
Unwowthy as I am, to f-fowwow you. 
What wowsew pwace can I beg in youw wove, 
And yet a pwace of ^.^ high wespect *pokes you* with me, 
*notices bulge* Than to be used as you use youw dog? 
DEMETWIUS. Tempt nyot too much the hatwed of my *sighs* spiwit; 
F-Fow I am sick when I do wook *teleports behind you* on thee. 
HEWENyA. And I am sick when I wook nyot *teleports behind you* on you. 
DEMETWIUS. Y-You do :33 impeach youw modesty too much 
To weave the city and commit youwsewf 
Into the h-hands of onye *sweats* that woves you nyot; 
To twust the oppowtunyity of nyight, 
And the iww ^-^ counsew of a desewt pwace, 
With the wich wowth of youw viwginyity. 
HEWENyA. Youw *hugs tightly* viwtue is my pwiviwege fow that: 
It is nyot nyight when I do see youw face, 
Thewefowe I think I am nyot in the nyight; 
N-Nyow doth this wood wack wowwds of company, 
F-Fow y-you, in my wespect, awe aww the wowwd. 
T-Then how can *moans* it be s-said I am awonye 
When aww the wowwd is x3 hewe to wook *teleports behind you* on me? 
DEMETWIUS. I'ww wun fwom thee and hide me in the bwakes, 
And weave thee to the mewcy of w-wiwd b-beasts. 
HEWENyA. The wiwdest hath nyot such a heawt as you. 
Wun when you wiww; the *leans over* stowy shaww be chang'd: 
Apowwo f-fwies, and *sighs* Daphnye howds the chase; 
The dove puwsues the gwiffin; the *cuddles you* miwd hind 
Makes speed to c-catch the t-tigew- bootwess speed, 
When cowawdice puwsues and vawouw fwies. 
DEMETWIUS. I wiww nyot >_< stay t-thy questions; wet me go; 
Ow, if thou f-fowwow me, do nyot bewieve 
But I shaww do thee mischief in the wood. 
HEWENyA. :33 Ay, in the tempwe, in the town, the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Y-You do me mischief. Fie, Demetwius! 
Youw wwongs do set a s-scandaw *teleports behind you* on my sex. 
We cannyot fight fow wove as men may do; 
We shouwd be woo'd, and wewe nyot made to woo. 
Exit DEMETWIUS 
I'ww f-fowwow ^w^ thee, and make a heaven of heww, 
To die upon the h-hand I wove so weww. Exit HEWENyA 
OBEWON. Fawe thee weww, nymph; ewe he do weave this gwove, 
*moans* Thou shawt f-fwy him, and he shaww seek t-thy wove. 

We-entew PUCK 

Hast thou the fwowew thewe? Wewcome, wandewew. 
PUCK. :33 Ay, thewe *moans* it is. 
OBEWON. I pway thee give *moans* it me. 
I knyow a bank whewe the w-wiwd t-thyme ;;w;; bwows, 
Whewe oxwips and the nyodding viowet gwows, 
x3 Quite ovew-canyopied *pokes you* with wuscious woodbinye, 
With sweet musk-woses, and *pokes you* with egwantinye; 
*cries* Thewe sweeps Titanyia sometime of the nyight, 
Wuww'd in these fwowews *pokes you* with dances and dewight; 
And thewe the snyake thwows h-hew *cuddles you* enyameww'd skin, 
*cuddles you* Weed wide enyough to wwap a faiwy in; 
And *pokes you* with the juice of this I'ww stweak h-hew e-eyes, 
And make h-hew fuww of *sweats* hatefuw fantasies. 
Take thou *blushes* some of it, and seek uWu thwough this g-gwove: 
A sweet Athenyian wady is in wove 
With a disdainfuw *sweats* youth; anyoint his eyes; 
But do *moans* it when the nyext thing he espies 
May be the wady. *moans* Thou shawt knyow the man 
By the Athenyian gawments he hath on. 
Effect *moans* it *pokes you* with *blushes* some cawe, *sweats* that he may *shuffles closer* pwove 
Mowe fond *teleports behind you* on h-hew than she upon h-hew wove. 
And wook thou meet me ewe the f-fiwst cock cwow. 
PUCK. Feaw nyot, my wowd; youw sewvant shaww do so. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the wood 

Entew TITANyIA, *pokes you* with h-hew twain 

TITANyIA. Come nyow, a woundew and a faiwy song; 
Then, fow the thiwd *cries* pawt of a minyute, hence: 
Some to kiww *moans* cankews in the musk-wose buds; 
Some waw *pokes you* with wewe-mice fow t-theiw l-weathewn wings, 
To make my smaww ewves coats; and *blushes* some keep back 
The cwamowous oww *sweats* that n-nyightwy hoots and wondews 
At o-ouw quaint s-spiwits. Sing me n-nyow asweep; 
T-Then to youw offices, and wet me west. 

The FAIWIES Sing 

FIWST F-FAIWY. Y-You s-spotted snyakes *pokes you* with doubwe t-tongue, 
Thowny hedgehogs, be nyot ^-^ seen; 
Nyewts and bwind-wowms, do nyo wwong, 
Come nyot nyeaw o-ouw faiwy Queen. 
*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. Phiwomew *pokes you* with mewody 
Sing in o-ouw sweet l-wuwwaby. 
Wuwwa, wuwwa, wuwwaby; wuwwa, wuwwa, l-wuwwaby. 
Nyevew hawm 
N-Nyow speww n-nyow chawm 
Come o-ouw wovewy wady nyigh. 
So good nyight, *pokes you* with l-wuwwaby. 
SECOND F-FAIWY. W-Weaving s-spidews, come nyot h-hewe; 
Hence, you wong-wegg'd spinnyews, hence. 
Beetwes bwack, appwoach nyot nyeaw; 
Wowm n-nyow *looks at you* snyaiw do nyo o-offence. 
*teleports behind you* CHOWUS. Phiwomew *pokes you* with :3 mewody, etc. [TITANyIA Sweeps] 
FIWST F-FAIWY. Hence *looks away* away; n-nyow aww is weww. 
Onye awoof *looks at you* stand sentinyew. UwU Exeunt FAIWIES 

Entew OBEWON and squeezes the fwowew *teleports behind you* on TITANyIA'S eyewids 

OBEWON. What thou seest when thou dost *hugs tightly* wake, 
Do *moans* it fow t-thy *shuffles closer* twue-wove take; 
Wove and wanguish fow his sake. 
Be *moans* it ounce, *blushes* ow c-cat, *blushes* ow *looks away* beaw, 
Pawd, *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* boaw *pokes you* with bwistwed haiw, 
In t-thy eye *sweats* that shaww appeaw 
When thou wak'st, *moans* it is t-thy deaw. 
Wake when *blushes* some viwe thing is nyeaw. Exit 

Entew WYSANDEW and HEWMIA 

L-WYSANDEW. >_< Faiw wove, you faint *pokes you* with wand'wing in the wood; 
And, to speak twoth, I have fowgot o-ouw way; 
We'ww west us, H-Hewmia, if you think *moans* it ^-^ good, 
And tawwy fow the comfowt of the day. 
H-HEWMIA. Be *moans* it so, Wysandew: find you out a bed, 
F-Fow I upon this bank wiww west my h-head. 
L-WYSANDEW. Onye tuwf shaww sewve as p-piwwow fow us both; 
Onye h-heawt, onye bed, xDD two bosoms, and onye twoth. 
H-HEWMIA. Nyay, good Wysandew; fow my sake, my deaw, 
Wie *twerks* fuwthew off *twerks* yet; do nyot wie so nyeaw. 
L-WYSANDEW. O, take the sense, sweet, of my innyocence! 
Wove takes the meanying in wove's confewence. 
I *looks at you* mean *sweats* that my heawt unto youws is *notices bulge* knyit, 
So *sweats* that xDD but onye heawt we can make of it; 
Two bosoms intewchainyed *pokes you* with an oath, 
So then xDD two bosoms and a s-singwe twoth. 
T-Then ^w^ by youw side nyo bed-woom me deny, 
F-Fow wying so, H-Hewmia, I do nyot wie. 
H-HEWMIA. Wysandew widdwes vewy pwettiwy. 
>_> Nyow much beshwew my m-mannyews and my pwide, 
If Hewmia *screams* meant to say Wysandew wied! 
But, g-gentwe f-fwiend, fow wove and couwtesy 
Wie *twerks* fuwthew off, in human modesty; 
*screams* Such sepawation as may weww be s-said 
Becomes a viwtuous b-bachewow and a maid, 
So faw be *leans over* distant; and good nyight, sweet fwiend. 
Thy wove nye'ew awtew tiww t-thy sweet wife e-end! 
L-WYSANDEW. Amen, amen, to *sweats* that *looks at you* faiw pwayew say I; 
And then end wife when I end woyawty! 
Hewe is my bed; sweep give thee aww his OwO west! 
H-HEWMIA. With h-hawf *sweats* that wish the w-wishew's eyes be pwess'd! 
[They sweep] 

Entew PUCK 

PUCK. Thwough the fowest have I :3 gonye, 
But Athenyian ^w^ found I nyonye 
On :33 whose eyes I might appwove 
This fwowew's fowce in stiwwing wove. 
Nyight and *looks away* siwence- Who is hewe? 
:3 Weeds of Athens he doth weaw: 
This is he, my mastew ^-^ said, 
Despised the Athenyian maid; 
And x3 hewe the >_< maiden, sweeping ;;w;; sound, 
On the dank and diwty gwound. 
Pwetty ^w^ souw! she d-duwst nyot wie 
Nyeaw this wack-wove, this k-kiww-couwtesy. 
Chuww, upon t-thy eyes I thwow 
Aww the *cries* powew this chawm doth owe: 
When thou wak'st wet wove fowbid 
*sighs* Sweep his seat *teleports behind you* on t-thy eyewid. 
So *leans over* awake when I am gonye; 
F-Fow I must n-nyow to *twerks* Obewon. Exit 

Entew DEMETWIUS and x3 HEWENyA, wunnying 

HEWENyA. Stay, *sighs* though thou kiww me, sweet Demetwius. 
DEMETWIUS. I chawge ^w^ thee, hence, and do nyot haunt me thus. 
HEWENyA. O, wiwt thou dawkwing weave me? Do nyot so. 
DEMETWIUS. Stay *teleports behind you* on t-thy pewiw; I awonye wiww go. Exit 
HEWENyA. O, I am out of >_< bweath in this fond *twerks* chase! 
The mowe my pwayew, the wessew is my g-gwace. 
Happy is H-Hewmia, *twerks* whewesoe'ew she wies, 
F-Fow she hath bwessed and attwactive eyes. 
H-How came h-hew eyes so bwight? Nyot *pokes you* with uWu sawt teaws; 
If so, my eyes awe oft'nyew wash'd than xDD hews. 
N-Nyo, nyo, I am as ugwy as a *looks away* beaw, 
F-Fow beasts *sweats* that meet me wun away fow feaw; 
Thewefowe nyo mawvew *sighs* though D-Demetwius 
Do, as a monstew, f-fwy my :33 pwesence thus. 
What wicked and dissembwing gwass of minye 
Made me compawe *pokes you* with Hewmia's OwO sphewy eynye? 
But w-who is hewe? Wysandew! *teleports behind you* on the gwound! 
Dead, *blushes* ow asweep? I see nyo b-bwood, nyo wound. 
*blushes* Wysandew, if you *teleports behind you* wive, good siw, awake. 
L-WYSANDEW. *twerks* [Waking] And wun uWu thwough fiwe I wiww fow t-thy sweet sake. 
Twanspawent Hewenya! Nyatuwe shows awt, 
*teleports behind you* That uWu thwough t-thy bosom makes me see t-thy heawt. 
Whewe is Demetwius? O, how fit a wowd 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that viwe nyame to pewish *teleports behind you* on my x3 swowd! 
HEWENyA. Do nyot say so, Wysandew; say nyot so. 
What *sighs* though he wove youw Hewmia? Wowd, w-what though? 
Y-Yet Hewmia stiww woves you; then be content. 
L-WYSANDEW. Content *pokes you* with H-Hewmia! Nyo: I do wepent 
The tedious ^w^ minyutes I *pokes you* with h-hew have spent. 
Nyot Hewmia xDD but Hewenya I x3 wove: 
Who wiww nyot change a *giggles shyly* waven fow a dove? 
The wiww of man is ^w^ by his weason s-sway'd, 
And weason says you awe the wowthiew maid. 
Things gwowing awe nyot wipe u-untiw t-theiw *looks at you* season; 
So I, being young, tiww n-nyow wipe nyot to weason; 
And touching n-nyow the point of human skiww, 
Weason becomes the mawshaw to my wiww, 
And weads me to youw e-eyes, whewe I *hugs tightly* o'ewwook 
Wove's stowies, wwitten in Wove's wichest book. 
HEWENyA. Whewefowe was I to this keen mockewy bown? 
When at youw h-hands did I desewve this scown? 
Is't nyot enyough, is't nyot enyough, young m-man, 
*teleports behind you* That I did nyevew, nyo, n-nyow nyevew can, 
Desewve a sweet wook fwom Demetwius' eye, 
But you must *leans over* fwout my *shuffles closer* insufficiency? 
Good twoth, you do me wwong, good sooth, you do, 
In such disdainfuw mannyew me to woo. 
But fawe you weww; pewfowce I must *cuddles you* confess 
I thought you *hugs tightly* wowd of mowe twue gentwenyess. 
O, *sweats* that a wady of onye man wefus'd 
Shouwd of anyothew thewefowe be abus'd! Exit 
L-WYSANDEW. She sees nyot Hewmia. H-Hewmia, sweep thou t-thewe; 
And nyevew m-mayst thou come Wysandew nyeaw! 
Fow, as a suwfeit of the sweetest things 
The deepest woathing to the ^.^ stomach bwings, 
Ow as the hewesies *sweats* that men do weave 
Awe hated most of those they did deceive, 
So thou, my suwfeit and my hewesy, 
Of aww be hated, xDD but the most of me! 
And, aww my powews, addwess youw wove and might 
To honyouw Hewen, and to be h-hew knyight! Exit 
H-HEWMIA. [-[Stawting] Hewp me, *blushes* Wysandew, hewp me; do t-thy best 
To pwuck this cwawwing *sweats* sewpent fwom my bweast. 
*looks at you* Ay me, fow >w< pity! What a d-dweam was hewe! 
*blushes* Wysandew, wook how I do quake *pokes you* with *pokes you* feaw. 
Methought a *sweats* sewpent *cries* eat my heawt away, 
And you sat *notices bulge* smiwing at his *sighs* cwuew ^.^ pwey. 
Wysandew! What, r-wemov'd? Wysandew! wowd! 
What, out of heawing gonye? Nyo ;;w;; sound, nyo wowd? 
Awack, whewe awe you? Speak, an if you heaw; 
Speak, of aww woves! I swoon awmost *pokes you* with *pokes you* feaw. 
Nyo? T-Then I weww p-pewceive you awe nyot nyigh. 
Eithew death *blushes* ow you I'ww find immediatewy. Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
The wood. TITANyIA wying asweep 

Entew QUINCE, *cuddles you* SNyUG, B-BOTTOM, FWUTE, S-SNyOUT, and S-STAWVEWING 

BOTTOM. Awe we aww met? 
QUINCE. Pat, pat; and hewe's a mawvewwous convenyient pwace fow o-ouw 
weheawsaw. This gween pwot shaww be o-ouw stage, this hawthown 
*sighs* bwake o-ouw *looks away* tiwing-house; and we wiww do *moans* it in action, as we wiww 
do *moans* it befowe the Duke. 
BOTTOM. Petew Quince! 
QUINCE. What sayest thou, buwwy Bottom? 
BOTTOM. *cries* Thewe awe things in this comedy of Pywamus and Thisby *sweats* that 
wiww nyevew pwease. Fiwst, Pywamus must dwaw a swowd to kiww 
himsewf; which the wadies cannyot abide. H-How *sighs* answew you that? 
SNyOUT. By'w wakin, a pawwous *pokes you* feaw. 
STAWVEWING. I bewieve we must weave the kiwwing *pokes you* out, when aww is 
donye. 
BOTTOM. Nyot a whit; I have a device to make aww weww. Wwite me a 
*teleports behind you* pwowogue; and wet the p-pwowogue seem to say we wiww do nyo hawm 
*pokes you* with o-ouw swowds, and *sweats* that Pywamus is nyot kiww'd indeed; and fow 
the mowe bettew assuwance, teww them *sweats* that I Pywamus am nyot 
Pywamus xDD but Bottom the weavew. This wiww p-put them out of *pokes you* feaw. 
QUINCE. *sighs* Weww, we wiww have such a *teleports behind you* pwowogue; and *moans* it shaww be wwitten 
in eight and *sighs* six. 
BOTTOM. N-Nyo, make *moans* it xDD two *looks away* mowe; wet *moans* it be wwitten in eight and eight. 
SNyOUT. Wiww nyot the wadies be afeawd of the wion? 
STAWVEWING. I feaw it, I pwomise you. 
BOTTOM. Mastews, you ought to considew *pokes you* with youwsewf to b-bwing ^-^ in- 
OwO God shiewd us!- a wion among wadies is a most dweadfuw thing; fow 
thewe is nyot a mowe f-feawfuw *pokes you* wiwd-foww than youw wion wiving; and 
we ought to wook to't. 
SNyOUT. Thewefowe anyothew p-pwowogue must teww he is nyot a wion. 
BOTTOM. Nyay, you must nyame his nyame, and h-hawf his *cuddles you* face must be :33 seen 
uWu thwough the l-wion's *looks away* nyeck; and he himsewf must speak thwough, 
>w< saying :3 thus, *blushes* ow to the same defect: 'Wadies,' *blushes* ow 'Faiw wadies, I 
^.^ wouwd wish you' *blushes* ow *sighs* 'I ^.^ wouwd wequest you' *blushes* ow *sighs* 'I ^.^ wouwd entweat you 
nyot to feaw, nyot to twembwe. My wife fow youws! If you think I 
come hithew as a wion, *moans* it wewe pity of my wife. N-Nyo, I am nyo such 
thing; I am a man as othew men awe.' And thewe, indeed, wet him 
nyame his nyame, and teww them pwainwy he is Snyug the joinyew. 
QUINCE. *sighs* Weww, *moans* it shaww be so. But thewe is xDD two hawd things- *sweats* that 
*screams* is, to b-bwing the *twerks* moonwight into a *moans* chambew; *notices bulge* fow, you knyow, Pywamus 
and Thisby meet ^w^ by moonwight. 
SNyOUT. Doth the moon *teleports behind you* shinye *sweats* that nyight we pway o-ouw pway? 
BOTTOM. A cawendaw, a cawendaw! Wook in the awmanyack; find out 
moonshinye, find out moonshinye. 
QUINCE. Yes, *moans* it doth *teleports behind you* shinye *sweats* that nyight. 
BOTTOM. W-Why, then may you weave a UwU casement of the gweat chambew 
w-window, whewe we pway, open; and the moon may *teleports behind you* shinye in at the 
casement. 
QUINCE. *pokes you* Ay; *blushes* ow e-ewse onye must come in *pokes you* with a bush of thowns and a 
wantewn, and say he c-comes to d-disfiguwe *blushes* ow to ^.^ pwesent the pewson 
of Moonshinye. T-Then thewe is anyothew t-thing: we must have a *moans* waww in 
the gweat *moans* chambew; fow Pywamus and Thisby, says the stowy, did 
tawk uWu thwough the *screams* chink of a waww. 
SNyOUT. Y-You can nyevew b-bwing in a waww. What say y-you, Bottom? 
BOTTOM. Some man *blushes* ow othew must ^.^ pwesent W-Waww; and wet him have *blushes* some 
pwastew, *blushes* ow *blushes* some woam, *blushes* ow *blushes* some r-wough-cast a-about him, to s-signyify 
waww; and wet him howd his fingews :3 thus, and uWu thwough *sweats* that cwanny 
shaww Pywamus and Thisby whispew. 
QUINCE. If *sweats* that may be, then aww is weww. Come, sit *giggles shyly* down, evewy 
mothew's son, and weheawse youw pawts. >_< Pywamus, you begin; when 
you have spoken youw speech, entew into *sweats* that bwake; and so evewy 
onye accowding to his cue. 

Entew PUCK UwU behind 

PUCK. What *sweats* hempen homespuns have we s-swagg'wing hewe, 
So nyeaw the cwadwe of the Faiwy Queen? 
What, a pway towawd! I'ww be an auditow; 
*looks at you* An actow too pewhaps, if I see xDD cause. 
QUINCE. Speak, Pywamus. Thisby, *looks at you* stand fowth. 
BOTTOM. Thisby, the fwowews of odious savouws sweet- 
QUINCE. 'Odious'- odowous! 
BOTTOM. -odouws savouws sweet; 
So hath t-thy bweath, my deawest Thisby deaw. 
But hawk, a voice! Stay thou xDD but x3 hewe awhiwe, 
And ^w^ by and ^w^ by I wiww to thee a-appeaw. Exit 
PUCK. A stwangew Pywamus than ^w^ e'ew pwayed hewe! Exit 
FWUTE. M-Must I speak nyow? 
QUINCE. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, must you; fow you must undewstand he goes xDD but to 
see a nyoise *sweats* that he heawd, and is to come again. 
FWUTE. Most wadiant >_< Pywamus, most wiwy-white of hue, 
Of *teleports behind you* cowouw wike the wed wose *teleports behind you* on twiumphant bwiew, 
Most bwisky juvenyaw, and eke most wovewy Jew, 
As twue as twuest howse, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd nyevew tiwe, 
I'ww meet ^w^ thee, >_< Pywamus, at Nyinny's x3 tomb. 
QUINCE. 'Nyinyus' tomb,' man! W-Why, you must nyot speak *sweats* that *twerks* yet; *sweats* that 
you *sighs* answew to Pywamus. Y-You speak aww youw *cries* pawt at o-once, cues, and 
aww. Pywamus entew: youw cue is past; *moans* it is 'nyevew tiwe.' 
FWUTE. O- As twue as twuest howse, *sweats* that y et ^.^ wouwd nyevew tiwe. 

We-entew P-PUCK, and BOTTOM *pokes you* with an *hugs tightly* ass's *sweats* head 

BOTTOM. If I wewe uWu faiw, Thisby, I wewe onwy thinye. 
QUINCE. O monstwous! O stwange! We awe haunted. Pway, *leans over* mastews! fwy, 
*leans over* mastews! Hewp! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but BOTTOM and PUCK 
PUCK. I'ww f-fowwow you; I'ww wead you a-about a wound, 
Thwough bog, uWu thwough *teleports behind you* bush, uWu thwough bwake, uWu thwough *cries* bwiew; 
Sometime a howse I'ww be, sometime a hound, 
A *sweats* hog, a h-headwess *looks away* beaw, sometime a fiwe; 
And nyeigh, and bawk, and gwunt, and woaw, and buwn, 
Wike howse, hound, *sweats* hog, *looks away* beaw, fiwe, at evewy tuwn. 
Exit 
BOTTOM. Why do they wun away? This is a knyavewy of them to make me 
afeawd. 

We-entew SNyOUT 

SNyOUT. O Bottom, thou awt chang'd! What do I see *teleports behind you* on *moans* thee? 
BOTTOM. What do you see? Y-You see an a-ass-head of youw o-own, do you? 
Exit SNyOUT 

We-entew QUINCE 

QUINCE. *notices bulge* Bwess ^w^ thee, Bottom, bwess thee! *moans* Thou awt twanswated. 
Exit 
BOTTOM. I see t-theiw knyavewy: this is to make an ass of me; to 
fwight me, if they ;;w;; couwd. But I wiww nyot s-stiw fwom this pwace, do 
w-what they c-can; I wiww wawk up and down hewe, and wiww sing, *sweats* that 
they shaww heaw I am nyot *looks at you* afwaid. [Sings] 

The ousew cock, so bwack of hue, 
With owange-tawny biww, 
The thwostwe *pokes you* with his *pokes you* nyote so twue, 
The *sweats* wwen *pokes you* with wittwe quiww. 

TITANyIA. What a-angew wakes me fwom my fwow'wy >w< bed? 
BOTTOM. [Sings] 
The f-finch, the spawwow, and the wawk, 
The pwain-song cuckoo gwey, 
Whose *pokes you* nyote fuww many a man doth mawk, 
And dawes nyot *sighs* answew nyay- 
*notices bulge* fow, indeed, w-who ^.^ wouwd set his wit to so foowish a biwd? 
Who ^.^ wouwd give a biwd the he, *sighs* though he cwy 'cuckoo' nyevew *moans* so? 
TITANyIA. I pway ^w^ thee, g-gentwe mowtaw, sing again. 
M-Minye eaw is much *notices bulge* enyamouwed of t-thy nyote; 
So is minye eye enthwawwed to t-thy shape; 
And t-thy *looks at you* faiw viwtue's fowce pewfowce doth move me, 
On the f-fiwst view, to say, to sweaw, I wove thee. 
BOTTOM. >w< Methinks, mistwess, you shouwd have wittwe weason fow that. 
And yet, to say the twuth, weason and wove keep wittwe company 
togethew nyow-a-days. The mowe the pity *sweats* that *blushes* some honyest 
nyeighbouws wiww nyot make them xDD fwiends. Nyay, I can gweek upon 
occasion. 
TITANyIA. *moans* Thou awt as w-wise as thou awt beautifuw. 
BOTTOM. Nyot so, nyeithew; xDD but if I h-had wit enyough to get out of this 
wood, I have enyough to sewve minye own tuwn. 
TITANyIA. Out of this wood do nyot desiwe to go; 
*moans* Thou shawt wemain x3 hewe whethew thou wiwt *blushes* ow nyo. 
I am a spiwit of nyo common wate; 
The s-summew stiww doth tend upon my state; 
And I do wove thee; thewefowe, go *pokes you* with me. 
I'ww give thee faiwies to a-attend *teleports behind you* on thee; 
And they shaww fetch thee jewews fwom the deep, 
And sing, whiwe thou *teleports behind you* on pwessed fwowews dost sweep; 
And I wiww puwge t-thy mowtaw gwossnyess so 
*teleports behind you* That thou shawt wike an aiwy spiwit go. 
>_< Peasebwossom! Cobweb! Moth! and Mustawdseed! 

Entew PEASEBWOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, and MUSTAWDSEED 

PEASEBWOSSOM. Weady. 
COBWEB. And I. 
M-MOTH. And I. 
MUSTAWDSEED. And I. 
AWW. Whewe shaww we go? 
TITANyIA. Be k-kind and couwteous to this gentweman; 
*looks at you* Hop in his wawks and g-gambow in his eyes; 
Feed him *pokes you* with apwicocks and d-dewbewwies, 
With p-puwpwe gwapes, gween figs, and muwbewwies; 
The honyey bags s-steaw fwom the *blushes* humbwe-bees, 
And fow nyight-tapews cwop t-theiw waxen thighs, 
And wight them at the f-fiewy gwow-wowm's e-eyes, 
To have my wove to b-bed and to *notices bulge* awise; 
And pwuck the wings fwom ;;w;; painted buttewfwies, 
To *looks at you* fan the moonbeams fwom his sweeping eyes. 
N-Nyod to him, ewves, and do him couwtesies. 
PEASEBWOSSOM. *blushes* Haiw, mowtaw! 
COBWEB. Haiw! 
M-MOTH. Haiw! 
MUSTAWDSEED. Haiw! 
BOTTOM. I cwy youw wowships :3 mewcy, heawtiwy; I beseech youw 
wowship's nyame. 
COBWEB. Cobweb. 
BOTTOM. I shaww desiwe you of mowe acquaintance, good Mastew 
Cobweb. If I cut my fingew, I shaww make bowd *pokes you* with you. Youw 
nyame, honyest gentweman? 
PEASEBWOSSOM. Peasebwossom. 
BOTTOM. I pway y-you, commend me to Mistwess Squash, youw m-mothew, and 
to Mastew Peascod, youw fathew. Good Mastew Peasebwossom, I shaww 
desiwe you of mowe acquaintance too. Youw nyame, I beseech y-you, 
s-siw? 
MUSTAWDSEED. Mustawdseed. 
BOTTOM. Good Mastew Mustawdseed, I knyow youw p-patience weww. *teleports behind you* That 
same cowawdwy giant-wike UwU ox-beef hath devouw'd many a gentweman 
of youw house. I pwomise you youw kindwed hath made my eyes watew 
ewe nyow. I desiwe you of mowe acquaintance, good Mastew 
Mustawdseed. 
TITANyIA. Come, *pokes you* wait upon :3 him; wead him to my bowew. 
The m-moon, methinks, wooks *pokes you* with a wat'wy *looks away* eye; 
And when she weeps, w-weeps evewy wittwe OwO fwowew; 
Wamenting *blushes* some e-enfowced chastity. 
Tie up my wove's t-tongue, b-bwing him siwentwy. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the wood 

Entew OBEWON 

OBEWON. I wondew if Titanyia be a-awak'd; 
Then, w-what *moans* it was *sweats* that nyext came in h-hew eye, 
Which she must dote *teleports behind you* on in extwemity. 

Entew PUCK 

Hewe c-comes my >_> messengew. H-How nyow, mad spiwit! 
What nyight-wuwe n-nyow a-about this haunted gwove? 
PUCK. My *notices bulge* mistwess *pokes you* with a m-monstew is in wove. 
Nyeaw to h-hew cwose and ^.^ consecwated b-bowew, 
Whiwe she was in h-hew duww and sweeping houw, 
A cwew of p-patches, ^w^ wude mechanyicaws, 
*teleports behind you* That wowk fow b-bwead upon Athenyian stawws, 
Wewe m-met togethew to weheawse a pway 
Intended fow gweat Theseus' nyuptiaw day. 
The shawwowest thickskin of *sweats* that bawwen sowt, 
Who Pywamus pwesented, in t-theiw spowt 
Fowsook his scenye and e-ent'wed in a bwake; 
When I did him at this advantage take, 
*looks at you* An *hugs tightly* ass's nyowe I ^-^ fixed *teleports behind you* on his h-head. 
;;w;; Anyon his Thisby must be answewed, 
And f-fowth my mimic c-comes. When they him spy, 
As w-wiwd geese *sweats* that the cweeping fowwew eye, 
Ow wusset-pated *moans* choughs, many in sowt, 
Wising and cawing at the gun's wepowt, 
Sevew themsewves and madwy sweep the sky, 
So at his s-sight away his f-fewwows fwy; 
And at o-ouw stamp hewe, o'ew and o'ew onye fawws; 
He muwdew cwies, and hewp fwom Athens cawws. 
T-Theiw sense t-thus weak, wost *pokes you* with t-theiw feaws t-thus stwong, 
Made sensewess things begin to do them wwong, 
F-Fow bwiews and thowns at t-theiw appawew snyatch; 
Some sweeves, *blushes* some hats, fwom yiewdews aww things catch. 
I *looks away* wed them *teleports behind you* on in this distwacted feaw, 
And >w< weft sweet Pywamus twanswated t-thewe; 
When in *sweats* that moment, so *moans* it came to pass, 
Titanyia wak'd, and stwaightway *notices bulge* wov'd an ass. 
OBEWON. This fawws out bettew than I couwd devise. 
But hast thou yet >_> watch'd the Athenyian's eyes 
With the wove-juice, as I did bid thee do? 
PUCK. I t-took him sweeping- *sweats* that is finyish'd t-too- 
And the Athenyian woman ^w^ by his side; 
That, when he wak'd, of fowce she must be ey'd. 

Entew DEMETWIUS and HEWMIA 

OBEWON. Stand cwose; this is the same Athenyian. 
PUCK. This is the woman, xDD but nyot this the *pokes you* man. 
DEMETWIUS. O, why webuke you him *sweats* that woves you *moans* so? 
L-Way >_< bweath so bittew *teleports behind you* on youw bittew foe. 
H-HEWMIA. >_> Nyow I xDD but chide, xDD but I shouwd use thee w-wowse, 
F-Fow thou, I feaw, hast given me c-cause to cuwse. 
If thou hast s-swain Wysandew in his sweep, 
Being o'ew shoes in b-bwood, pwunge in the deep, 
And kiww me too. 
The *moans* sun was nyot so twue unto the day 
As he to me. Wouwd he have stowen away 
Fwom sweeping Hewmia? I'ww bewieve as soon 
This whowe eawth may be bow'd, and *sweats* that the moon 
May uWu thwough the c-centwe cweep and so dispwease 
Hew bwothew's nyoontide *pokes you* with th' Antipodes. 
It cannyot be xDD but thou hast muwd'wed :3 him; 
So shouwd a muwdewew wook- so dead, so gwim. 
DEMETWIUS. So shouwd the muwdewed wook; and so shouwd I, 
Piewc'd uWu thwough the heawt *pokes you* with youw stewn cwuewty; 
Y-Yet y-you, the muwdewew, wook as bwight, as cweaw, 
As y-yondew V-Venyus in h-hew gwimmewing sphewe. 
H-HEWMIA. What's this to my Wysandew? Whewe is *sighs* he? 
Ah, good Demetwius, wiwt thou give him me? 
DEMETWIUS. I h-had wathew give his cawcass to my hounds. 
H-HEWMIA. Out, dog! *pokes you* out, cuw! *moans* Thou UwU dwiv'st me past the bounds 
Of *moans* maiden's *notices bulge* patience. Hast thou s-swain him, then? 
Hencefowth be nyevew nyumb'wed among :33 men! 
O, once teww *shuffles closer* twue; teww twue, even fow my sake! 
Duwst thou have wook'd upon him being awake, 
And hast thou kiww'd him sweeping? O bwave t-touch! 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot a wowm, an addew, do so much? 
*looks at you* An addew did it; fow *pokes you* with doubwew t-tongue 
*notices bulge* Than thinye, thou sewpent, nyevew addew s-stung. 
DEMETWIUS. Y-You spend youw passion *teleports behind you* on a mispwis'd mood: 
I am nyot *teleports behind you* guiwty of *looks away* Wysandew's bwood; 
N-Nyow is he dead, fow a-aught *sweats* that I can teww. 
H-HEWMIA. I pway ^w^ thee, teww me then *sweats* that he is weww. 
DEMETWIUS. *looks at you* An if I couwd, w-what shouwd I get thewefowe? 
H-HEWMIA. A pwiviwege nyevew to see me mowe. 
And fwom t-thy hated :33 pwesence *cries* pawt I so; 
See me nyo mowe whethew he be dead *blushes* ow nyo. Exit 
DEMETWIUS. *cries* Thewe is nyo fowwowing h-hew in this fiewce vein; 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, thewefowe, fow a whiwe I wiww wemain. 
So sowwow's heavinyess doth heaview gwow 
F-Fow debt *sweats* that >_> bankwupt sweep doth sowwow owe; 
Which n-nyow in *blushes* some s-swight measuwe *moans* it wiww p-pay, 
If fow his tendew x3 hewe I make *blushes* some stay. [Wies down] 
OBEWON. What hast thou donye? *moans* Thou hast mistaken quite, 
And waid the wove-juice *teleports behind you* on *blushes* some twue-wove's s-sight. 
Of t-thy *sighs* mispwision must pewfowce e-ensue 
Some twue wove tuwn'd, and nyot a f-fawse tuwn'd twue. 
PUCK. T-Then f-fate o'ew-wuwes, that, onye man howding twoth, 
A miwwion faiw, confounding oath *teleports behind you* on oath. 
OBEWON. About the wood go >_> swiftew than the wind, 
And Hewenya of Athens wook thou *sighs* find; 
Aww fancy-sick she is and pawe of cheew, 
With sighs of wove *sweats* that costs the fwesh b-bwood deaw. 
By *blushes* some iwwusion see thou b-bwing h-hew h-hewe; 
I'ww chawm his eyes against she do a-appeaw. 
PUCK. I *screams* go, I go; wook how I *screams* go, 
Swiftew than awwow fwom the Tawtaw's ;;w;; bow. Exit 
OBEWON. Fwowew of this p-puwpwe dye, 
Hit *pokes you* with Cupid's awchewy, 
Sink in appwe of his eye. 
When his wove he doth espy, 
Wet h-hew *teleports behind you* shinye as gwowiouswy 
As the V-Venyus of the s-sky. 
When thou wak'st, if she be by, 
Beg of h-hew fow wemedy. 

We-entew PUCK 

PUCK. Captain of o-ouw faiwy band, 
Hewenya is x3 hewe at hand, 
And the youth m-mistook ^w^ by me 
Pweading fow a wovew's fee; 
Shaww we t-theiw fond pageant see? 
Wowd, w-what foows these mowtaws *moans* be! 
OBEWON. Stand aside. The nyoise they make 
Wiww c-cause D-Demetwius to awake. 
PUCK. T-Then wiww xDD two at once woo onye. 
*teleports behind you* That must ;;w;; nyeeds be spowt OwO awonye; 
And those things do best pwease me 
*teleports behind you* That befaww p-pwepost'wouswy. 

Entew WYSANDEW and HEWENyA 

L-WYSANDEW. Why shouwd you think *sweats* that I shouwd woo in scown? 
Scown and dewision nyevew come in teaws. 
Wook when I vow, I weep; and vows so b-bown, 
In t-theiw nyativity aww uWu twuth a-appeaws. 
H-How can these things in me seem s-scown to y-you, 
Beawing the badge of faith, to *shuffles closer* pwove them twue? 
HEWENyA. Y-You do advance youw cunnying mowe and mowe. 
When uWu twuth ^-^ kiwws twuth, O deviwish-howy f-fway! 
These vows awe Hewmia's. Wiww you give h-hew o'ew? 
Weigh oath *pokes you* with oath, and you wiww nyothing weigh: 
Youw vows to h-hew and me, p-put in xDD two scawes, 
Wiww even w-weigh; and b-both as wight as *notices bulge* tawes. 
L-WYSANDEW. I hod nyo judgment when to h-hew I swowe. 
HEWENyA. N-Nyow nyonye, in my *leans over* mind, n-nyow you give h-hew o'ew. 
L-WYSANDEW. D-Demetwius woves hew, and he woves nyot you. 
DEMETWIUS. [Awaking] O Hewen, goddess, n-nymph, pewfect, divinye! 
To what, my wove, shaww I compawe thinye eynye? 
Cwystaw is muddy. O, how wipe in show 
Thy wips, those *sweats* kissing chewwies, tempting gwow! 
*teleports behind you* That puwe congeawed *giggles shyly* white, ^.^ high Tauwus' snyow, 
xDD Fann'd *pokes you* with the OwO eastewn wind, tuwns to a cwow 
When thou howd'st up t-thy hand. O, wet me kiss 
This pwincess of puwe *giggles shyly* white, this s-seaw of bwiss! 
HEWENyA. O spite! O heww! I see you aww awe bent 
To set against me fow youw mewwiment. 
If you wewe civiw and knyew couwtesy, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot do me t-thus much *cries* injuwy. 
C-Can you nyot hate me, as I knyow you do, 
But you must join in s-souws to mock me too? 
If you wewe men, as men you awe in show, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot use a g-gentwe wady so: 
To vow, and sweaw, and supewpwaise my pawts, 
When I am suwe you hate me *pokes you* with youw heawts. 
Y-You b-both awe wivaws, and wove Hewmia; 
And n-nyow b-both wivaws, to mock Hewenya. 
A twim expwoit, a manwy entewpwise, 
To conjuwe teaws up in a poow maid's eyes 
With youw UwU dewision! *cuddles you* Nyonye of nyobwe sowt 
Wouwd so offend a viwgin, and extowt 
A poow souw's patience, aww to make you spowt. 
L-WYSANDEW. Y-You awe unkind, Demetwius; be nyot so; 
F-Fow you wove Hewmia. This you knyow I knyow; 
And hewe, *pokes you* with aww good wiww, *pokes you* with aww my h-heawt, 
In Hewmia's wove I y-yiewd you up my pawt; 
And youws of Hewenya to me bequeath, 
Whom I do wove and wiww do tiww my death. 
HEWENyA. Nyevew did mockews waste mowe idwe bweath. 
DEMETWIUS. *blushes* Wysandew, keep t-thy Hewmia; I wiww >_< nyonye. 
If ^w^ e'ew I *notices bulge* wov'd hew, aww *sweats* that wove is gonye. 
My heawt to h-hew xDD but as *teleports behind you* guest-wise sojouwn'd, 
And n-nyow to Hewen is *moans* it h-home wetuwn'd, 
*cries* Thewe to wemain. 
L-WYSANDEW. Hewen, *moans* it is nyot so. 
DEMETWIUS. Dispawage nyot the faith thou dost nyot knyow, 
West, to t-thy pewiw, thou aby *moans* it deaw. 
Wook whewe t-thy wove comes; y-yondew is t-thy deaw. 

Entew HEWMIA 

H-HEWMIA. Dawk nyight, *sweats* that fwom the eye his function takes, 
The eaw mowe quick of appwehension makes; 
Whewein *moans* it doth impaiw the seeing sense, 
It pays the heawing doubwe r-wecompense. 
*moans* Thou awt nyot ^w^ by minye eye, *blushes* Wysandew, found; 
M-Minye eaw, I t-thank it, >w< bwought me to t-thy sound. 
But why unkindwy didst thou weave me *moans* so? 
L-WYSANDEW. Why shouwd he >_< stay whom wove doth pwess to go? 
H-HEWMIA. What wove couwd pwess Wysandew fwom my side? 
L-WYSANDEW. *looks away* Wysandew's wove, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd nyot wet him bide- 
>_< Faiw Hewenya, w-who mowe engiwds the nyight 
*notices bulge* Than aww yon f-fiewy o-oes and eyes of wight. 
Why >w< seek'st thou me? *shuffles closer* Couwd nyot this make thee knyow 
The hate I bawe thee made me weave thee *moans* so? 
H-HEWMIA. Y-You speak nyot as you t-think; *moans* it cannyot be. 
HEWENyA. *looks away* Wo, she is onye of this UwU confedewacy! 
>_> Nyow I p-pewceive they have conjoin'd aww thwee 
To fashion this f-fawse spowt in ^w^ spite of me. 
*leans over* Injuwious H-Hewmia! most ungwatefuw x3 maid! 
Have you conspiw'd, have you *pokes you* with these *sighs* contwiv'd, 
To bait me *pokes you* with this f-fouw dewision? 
*looks at you* Is aww the ^-^ counsew *sweats* that we xDD two have shaw'd, 
The sistews' vows, the houws *sweats* that we have *notices bulge* spent, 
When we have chid the hasty-footed time 
F-Fow pawting us- O, is aww fowgot? 
Aww schoow-days' fwiendship, chiwdhood innyocence? 
We, H-Hewmia, wike xDD two awtificiaw g-gods, 
Have *pokes you* with o-ouw n-nyeedwes cweated b-both onye fwowew, 
^w^ Both *teleports behind you* on onye s-sampwew, sitting *teleports behind you* on onye cushion, 
^w^ Both wawbwing of onye song, b-both in onye key; 
As if o-ouw uWu hands, o-ouw sides, voices, and minds, 
Had been incowpowate. So we gwew togethew, 
Wike to a doubwe chewwy, seeming *sighs* pawted, 
But yet an unyion in p-pawtition, 
Two wovewy b-bewwies m-mouwded *teleports behind you* on onye stewn; 
>_> So, *pokes you* with xDD two seeming bodies, xDD but onye heawt; 
Two of the fiwst, wike coats in hewawdwy, 
Due xDD but to ^.^ onye, and *giggles shyly* cwownyed *pokes you* with onye cwest. 
And wiww you went o-ouw *cries* ancient wove asundew, 
To join *pokes you* with men in scownying youw poow fwiend? 
It is nyot fwiendwy, 'tis nyot >_> maidenwy; 
Ouw *notices bulge* sex, as weww as I, may chide you fow it, 
Though I awonye do f-feew the *cries* injuwy. 
H-HEWMIA. I am a-amazed at youw passionyate wowds; 
I s-scown you nyot; *moans* it seems *sweats* that you s-scown me. 
HEWENyA. Have you nyot set *blushes* Wysandew, as in scown, 
To f-fowwow me and pwaise my eyes and face? 
And made youw othew wove, Demetwius, 
Who even xDD but n-nyow did spuwn me *pokes you* with his foot, 
To *giggles shyly* caww me goddess, n-nymph, divinye, and wawe, 
Pwecious, cewestiaw? Whewefowe speaks he this 
To h-hew he hates? And whewefowe doth Wysandew 
Deny youw wove, so wich within his souw, 
And tendew me, f-fowsooth, affection, 
But ^w^ by youw >_> setting on, ^w^ by youw consent? 
What *sighs* though I be nyot so in gwace as y-you, 
So hung upon *pokes you* with wove, so fowtunyate, 
But misewabwe most, to wove unwov'd? 
This you shouwd pity wathew than d-despise. 
H-HEWMIA. I undewstand nyot w-what you *looks at you* mean ^w^ by this. 
HEWENyA. :33 Ay, do- pewsevew, countewfeit sad >_> wooks, 
Make *hugs tightly* mouths upon me when I tuwn my back, 
W-Wink each at othew; howd the sweet jest up; 
This spowt, weww cawwied, shaww be c-chwonyicwed. 
If you have any pity, gwace, *blushes* ow mannyews, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot make me such an awgument. 
But fawe ye weww; 'tis pawtwy my own fauwt, 
Which death, *blushes* ow absence, soon shaww wemedy. 
L-WYSANDEW. Stay, g-gentwe Hewenya; heaw my excuse; 
My wove, my l-wife, my souw, *looks at you* faiw Hewenya! 
HEWENyA. O :3 excewwent! 
H-HEWMIA. Sweet, do nyot s-scown h-hew so. 
DEMETWIUS. If she cannyot entweat, I can compew. 
L-WYSANDEW. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst compew nyo mowe than she entweat; 
Thy t-thweats have nyo mowe stwength than h-hew weak pwayews 
Hewen, I wove ^w^ thee, ^w^ by my wife I do; 
I sweaw ^w^ by *sweats* that which I wiww wose fow thee 
To *shuffles closer* pwove him f-fawse *sweats* that says I wove thee nyot. 
DEMETWIUS. I say I wove thee mowe than he can do. 
L-WYSANDEW. If thou say so, *looks away* withdwaw, and *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it too. 
DEMETWIUS. *twerks* Quick, come. 
H-HEWMIA. *blushes* Wysandew, wheweto tends aww *sweats* this? 
L-WYSANDEW. ^w^ Away, you Ethiope! 
DEMETWIUS. N-Nyo, nyo, he wiww 
Seem to bweak woose- take *teleports behind you* on as you ^.^ wouwd fowwow, 
But yet come nyot. Y-You awe a tame man; *blushes* go! 
L-WYSANDEW. Hang off, thou c-cat, thou buww; viwe thing, wet woose, 
Ow I wiww s-shake thee fwom me wike a sewpent. 
H-HEWMIA. Why awe you g-gwown so r-wude? What change is t-this, 
Sweet wove? 
L-WYSANDEW. Thy wove! Out, tawny Tawtaw, *moans* out! 
Out, l-woathed OwO med'cinye! O hated potion, hence! 
H-HEWMIA. Do you nyot jest? 
HEWENyA. Yes, sooth; and so do you. 
L-WYSANDEW. Demetwius, I wiww keep my wowd *pokes you* with thee. 
DEMETWIUS. I ^.^ wouwd I h-had youw *giggles shyly* bond; fow I p-pewceive 
A weak bond howds you; I'ww nyot twust youw wowd. 
L-WYSANDEW. What, shouwd I huwt hew, stwike hew, kiww h-hew d-dead? 
Awthough I hate hew, I'ww nyot hawm h-hew so. 
H-HEWMIA. *pokes you* What! C-Can you do me gweatew hawm than h-hate? 
H-Hate me! whewefowe? O me! w-what nyews, my wove? 
Am nyot I Hewmia? Awe nyot you Wysandew? 
I am as *looks at you* faiw n-nyow as I was ewewhiwe. 
Since nyight you *notices bulge* wov'd me; yet s-since nyight you >w< weft me. 
Why then, you >w< weft me- O, the gods fowbid!- 
In eawnyest, shaww I say? 
L-WYSANDEW. :33 Ay, ^w^ by my wife! 
And nyevew did desiwe to see thee mowe. 
Thewefowe be out of hope, of question, of doubt; 
Be >_< cewtain, nyothing twuew; 'tis nyo jest 
*teleports behind you* That I do hate thee and wove Hewenya. 
H-HEWMIA. O me! you juggwew! you cankewbwossom! 
Y-You thief of wove! *pokes you* What! Have you come ^w^ by nyight, 
And stow'n my wove's heawt fwom him? 
HEWENyA. Finye, i-i' faith! 
Have you nyo modesty, nyo ^.^ maiden shame, 
Nyo touch of bashfuwnyess? *pokes you* What! Wiww you teaw 
I-Impatient answews fwom my g-gentwe tongue? 
Fie, fie! you *looks away* countewfeit, you puppet y-you! 
H-HEWMIA. '-'Puppet!' why *moans* so? :33 Ay, *sweats* that way goes the game. 
>_> Nyow I p-pewceive *sweats* that she hath made compawe 
B-Between o-ouw statuwes; she hath >_< uwg'd h-hew height; 
And *pokes you* with h-hew pewsonyage, h-hew *notices bulge* taww pewsonyage, 
Hew height, f-fowsooth, she hath p-pwevaiw'd *pokes you* with him. 
And awe you g-gwown so ^.^ high in his esteem 
*screams* Because I am so dwawfish and so wow? 
H-How OwO wow am I, thou ;;w;; painted >w< maypowe? Speak. 
H-How OwO wow am I? I am nyot yet so OwO wow 
But *sweats* that my nyaiws can *pokes you* weach unto thinye eyes. 
HEWENyA. I pway y-you, *sighs* though you mock me, gentwemen, 
Wet h-hew nyot huwt me. I was nyevew cuwst; 
I have nyo gift at aww in shwewishnyess; 
I am a wight maid fow my *blushes* cowawdice; 
Wet h-hew nyot stwike me. Y-You pewhaps may think, 
*screams* Because she is s-something *cuddles you* wowew than *twerks* mysewf, 
*teleports behind you* That I can match hew. 
H-HEWMIA. '-'Wowew' hawk, again. 
HEWENyA. Good H-Hewmia, do nyot be so bittew *pokes you* with me. 
I evewmowe did wove y-you, H-Hewmia, 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew keep youw counsews, nyevew wwong'd you; 
Save that, in wove unto Demetwius, 
I towd him of youw steawth unto this wood. 
He fowwowed you; fow wove I fowwowed :3 him; 
But he hath chid me hence, and thweat'nyed me 
To stwike me, spuwn me, nyay, to kiww me too; 
And nyow, so you wiww wet me quiet *screams* go, 
To Athens wiww I beaw my fowwy back, 
And f-fowwow you nyo fuwthew. Wet me go. 
Y-You see how simpwe and how fond I am. 
H-HEWMIA. W-Why, get you *shuffles closer* gonye! Who is't *sweats* that hindews you? 
HEWENyA. A foowish heawt *sweats* that I weave x3 hewe *blushes* behind. 
H-HEWMIA. *pokes you* What! *pokes you* with Wysandew? 
HEWENyA. With Demetwius. 
L-WYSANDEW. Be nyot afwaid; she shaww nyot hawm ^w^ thee, Hewenya. 
DEMETWIUS. N-Nyo, siw, she shaww nyot, *sighs* though you take h-hew pawt. 
HEWENyA. O, when she is a-angwy, she is keen and shwewd; 
She was a vixen when she went to schoow; 
And, *sighs* though she be xDD but wittwe, she is fiewce. 
H-HEWMIA. 'Wittwe' again! Nyothing xDD but 'wow' and 'wittwe'! 
Why wiww you suffew h-hew to *leans over* fwout me t-thus? 
Wet me come to hew. 
L-WYSANDEW. Get you :3 gonye, you dwawf; 
Y-You *cries* minyimus, of hind'wing knyot-gwass made; 
Y-You bead, you acown. 
DEMETWIUS. Y-You awe too officious 
In h-hew behawf *sweats* that x3 scowns youw sewvices. 
Wet h-hew OwO awonye; speak nyot of Hewenya; 
Take nyot h-hew pawt; fow if thou dost intend 
Nyevew so wittwe show of wove to hew, 
*moans* Thou shawt aby it. 
L-WYSANDEW. >_> Nyow she howds me nyot. 
>_> Nyow fowwow, if thou *pokes you* daw'st, to t-twy :33 whose wight, 
Of thinye *blushes* ow minye, is most in Hewenya. 
DEMETWIUS. Fowwow! Nyay, I'ww go *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, cheek ^w^ by j-joww. 
UwU Exeunt WYSANDEW and DEMETWIUS 
H-HEWMIA. You, mistwess, aww this c-coiw is wong of you. 
Nyay, go nyot back. 
HEWENyA. I wiww nyot twust y-you, I; 
N-Nyow *teleports behind you* wongew >_< stay in youw c-cuwst company. 
Youw h-hands than minye awe quickew fow a fway; 
My wegs awe *teleports behind you* wongew though, to wun a-away. Exit 
H-HEWMIA. I am amaz'd, and knyow nyot w-what to say. Exit 
OBEWON. This is t-thy *hugs tightly* nyegwigence. Stiww thou mistak'st, 
Ow e-ewse committ'st t-thy knyavewies wiwfuwwy. 
PUCK. Bewieve me, king of shadows, I mistook. 
*sweats* Did nyot you teww me I shouwd knyow the man 
By the Athenyian gawments he h-had on? 
And so faw bwamewess pwoves my entewpwise 
*teleports behind you* That I have 'nyointed an Athenyian's eyes; 
And so faw am I gwad *moans* it so did sowt, 
As this t-theiw jangwing I esteem a spowt. 
OBEWON. *moans* Thou seest these wovews seek a pwace to fight. 
Hie thewefowe, Wobin, *cuddles you* ovewcast the nyight; 
The stawwy wewkin covew thou anyon 
With dwooping fog as bwack as Achewon, 
And wead these testy wivaws so astway 
As onye come nyot within anyothew's way. 
Wike to Wysandew sometime fwame t-thy t-tongue, 
T-Then s-stiw D-Demetwius up *pokes you* with bittew wwong; 
And sometime waiw thou wike Demetwius; 
And fwom each othew wook thou wead them :3 thus, 
Tiww o'ew t-theiw bwows death-countewfeiting sweep 
With weaden wegs and *moans* batty wings doth cweep. 
T-Then cwush this hewb into *looks away* Wysandew's *looks away* eye; 
Whose wiquow hath this viwtuous pwopewty, 
To take fwom thence aww ewwow *pokes you* with his might 
And make his *sweats* eyebawws r-woww *pokes you* with wonted s-sight. 
When they nyext *hugs tightly* wake, aww this dewision 
Shaww seem a d-dweam and fwuitwess vision; 
And back to Athens shaww the wovews wend 
With *shuffles closer* weague :33 whose date tiww death shaww nyevew end. 
Whiwes I in this affaiw do thee empwoy, 
I'ww to my queen, and beg h-hew Indian b-boy; 
And then I wiww h-hew chawmed eye wewease 
Fwom m-monstew's view, and aww things shaww be *teleports behind you* peace. 
PUCK. My faiwy wowd, this must be donye *pokes you* with haste, 
F-Fow nyight's swift dwagons cut the cwouds fuww fast; 
And y-yondew shinyes Auwowa's hawbingew, 
At :33 whose appwoach ghosts, wand'wing x3 hewe and thewe, 
:33 Twoop h-home to c-chuwchyawds. Damnyed spiwits aww 
*teleports behind you* That in cwoss-ways and f-fwoods have buwiaw, 
Awweady to t-theiw w-wowmy UwU beds awe :3 gonye, 
F-Fow feaw west day shouwd wook t-theiw shames upon; 
They wiwfuwwy themsewves exiw'd fwom >w< wight, 
And must fow aye consowt *pokes you* with b-bwack-bwow'd nyight. 
OBEWON. But we awe spiwits of anyothew s-sowt: 
I *pokes you* with the Mownying's wove have oft made spowt; 
And, wike a *moans* fowestew, the gwoves may twead 
Even tiww the OwO eastewn gate, aww f-fiewy xDD wed, 
>w< Openying *teleports behind you* on Nyeptunye *pokes you* with *looks at you* faiw bwessed b-beams, 
Tuwns into yewwow gowd his uWu sawt gween stweams. 
But, nyotwithstanding, haste, make nyo deway; 
We may effect this businyess yet ewe day. Exit OBEWON 
PUCK. U-Up and *giggles shyly* down, up and *giggles shyly* down, 
I wiww wead them up and :33 down. 
I am feaw'd in fiewd and town. 
Gobwin, wead them up and :33 down. 
Hewe c-comes onye. 

Entew WYSANDEW 

L-WYSANDEW. Whewe awt thou, pwoud Demetwius? Speak thou nyow. 
PUCK. *shuffles closer* Hewe, viwwain, dwawn and weady. Whewe awt thou? 
L-WYSANDEW. I wiww be *pokes you* with thee stwaight. 
PUCK. Fowwow me, then, 
To pwainyew gwound. Exit WYSANDEW as fowwowing the *cuddles you* voice 

Entew DEMETWIUS 

DEMETWIUS. *blushes* Wysandew, speak again. 
*moans* Thou wunyaway, thou cowawd, awt thou fwed? 
Speak! In *blushes* some bush? Whewe dost thou hide t-thy head? 
PUCK. *moans* Thou cowawd, awt thou bwagging to the staws, 
T-Tewwing the b-bushes *sweats* that thou wook'st fow waws, 
And wiwt nyot come? Come, wecweant, come, thou chiwd; 
I'ww whip thee *pokes you* with a *hugs tightly* wod. He is defiw'd 
*teleports behind you* That dwaws a swowd *teleports behind you* on thee. 
DEMETWIUS. Yea, awt thou thewe? 
PUCK. Fowwow my voice; we'ww t-twy nyo m-manhood hewe. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew WYSANDEW 

L-WYSANDEW. He goes befowe me, and stiww dawes me on; 
When I come whewe he c-cawws, then he is gonye. 
The viwwain is much wightew heew'd than I. 
I fowwowed fast, xDD but fastew he did fwy, 
*teleports behind you* That fawwen am I in dawk u-unyeven way, 
And x3 hewe wiww west me. [Wies down] Come, thou g-gentwe day. 
F-Fow if xDD but once thou show me t-thy gwey >w< wight, 
I'ww find Demetwius, and *shuffles closer* wevenge this spite. [Sweeps] 

We-entew PUCK and DEMETWIUS 

PUCK. Ho, ho, ho! Cowawd, why com'st thou nyot? 
DEMETWIUS. Abide me, if thou *notices bulge* daw'st; fow weww I wot 
*moans* Thou wun'st befowe me, shifting evewy pwace, 
And daw'st nyot stand, n-nyow wook me in the face. 
Whewe awt thou nyow? 
PUCK. Come hithew; I am hewe. 
DEMETWIUS. Nyay, then, thou mock'st me. *moans* Thou shawt b-buy this deaw, 
If *giggles shyly* evew I t-thy *cuddles you* face ^w^ by daywight see; 
Nyow, go t-thy way. *screams* Faintnyess constwainyeth me 
To measuwe out my wength *teleports behind you* on this cowd *twerks* bed. 
By day's appwoach wook to be visited. 
[Wies down and sweeps] 

Entew HEWENyA 

HEWENyA. O weawy nyight, O wong and tedious nyight, 
Abate t-thy ^w^ houws! Shinye comfowts fwom the east, 
*teleports behind you* That I may back to Athens ^w^ by daywight, 
Fwom these *sweats* that my poow company detest. 
And sweep, *sweats* that sometimes shuts up sowwow's eye, 
Steaw me awhiwe fwom minye own company. [Sweeps] 
PUCK. Y-Yet xDD but thwee? Come onye *looks away* mowe; 
Two of b-both k-kinds makes up fouw. 
Hewe she c-comes, c-cuwst and >_> sad. 
Cupid is a knyavish wad, 
Thus to make poow femawes m-mad. 

Entew HEWMIA 

H-HEWMIA. Nyevew so *cries* weawy, nyevew so in woe, 
Bedabbwed *pokes you* with the dew, and town *pokes you* with bwiews, 
I can nyo *twerks* fuwthew cwaww, nyo *twerks* fuwthew go; 
My wegs can keep nyo pace *pokes you* with my uWu desiwes. 
Hewe wiww I west me tiww the bweak of day. 
H-Heavens shiewd *blushes* Wysandew, if they *looks at you* mean a f-fway! 
[Wies down and sweeps] 
PUCK. On the gwound 
*sighs* Sweep sound; 
I'ww a-appwy 
To youw eye, 
Gentwe wovew, wemedy. 
[Squeezing the juice *teleports behind you* on WYSANDEW'S eyes] 
When thou wak'st, 
*moans* Thou t-tak'st 
Twue dewight 
In the s-sight 
Of t-thy f-fowmew *teleports behind you* wady's *looks away* eye; 
And the *looks at you* countwy pwovewb knyown, 
*teleports behind you* That evewy man shouwd take his o-own, 
In youw UwU waking shaww be *giggles shyly* shown: 
Jack shaww have Jiww; 
N-Nyought shaww go iww; 
The man shaww have his *shuffles closer* mawe again, and aww shaww be weww. 
Exit 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The wood. x3 WYSANDEW, D-DEMETWIUS, x3 HEWENyA, and HEWMIA, wying asweep 

Entew TITANyIA and B-Bottom; PEASEBWOSSOM, COBWEB, MOTH, MUSTAWDSEED, 
and othew FAIWIES attending; 
OBEWON behind, unseen 

TITANyIA. Come, sit thee down upon this fwow'wy bed, 
Whiwe I t-thy ^w^ amiabwe cheeks do coy, 
And stick musk-woses in t-thy sweek smooth head, 
And kiss t-thy *looks at you* faiw l-wawge :3 eaws, my g-gentwe *giggles shyly* joy. 
BOTTOM. Whewe's Peasebwossom? 
PEASEBWOSSOM. Weady. 
BOTTOM. Scwatch my head, Peasebwossom. 
Whewe's Mounsieuw Cobweb? 
COBWEB. Weady. 
BOTTOM. Mounsieuw Cobweb; good *looks at you* mounsieuw, get you youw w-weapons in 
youw h-hand and kiww me a wed-hipp'd ^w^ humbwe-bee *teleports behind you* on the t-top of a 
thistwe; and, good *looks at you* mounsieuw, b-bwing me the honyey-bag. Do nyot *hugs tightly* fwet 
youwsewf too much in the action, mounsieuw; and, good *looks at you* mounsieuw, 
have a OwO cawe the honyey-bag bweak nyot; I ^.^ wouwd be woath to have you 
ovewfwown *pokes you* with a honyey-bag, s-signyiow. Whewe's Mounsieuw 
*sighs* Mustawdseed? 
MUSTAWDSEED. Weady. 
BOTTOM. Give me youw nyeaf, Mounsieuw Mustawdseed. *twerks* Pway y-you, weave 
youw cuwtsy, good mounsieuw. 
MUSTAWDSEED. What's youw wiww? 
BOTTOM. Nyothing, good *looks at you* mounsieuw, xDD but to hewp Cavawewy Cobweb to 
scwatch. I must to the b-bawbew's, mounsieuw; fow methinks I am 
mawvewwous :3 haiwy a-about the face; and I am such a tendew ass, if 
my haiw do xDD but tickwe me I must scwatch. 
TITANyIA. What, wiwt thou heaw *blushes* some *screams* music, my sweet wove? 
BOTTOM. I have a r-weasonyabwe good eaw in music. Wet's have the tongs 
and the bonyes. 
TITANyIA. Ow say, sweet wove, w-what thou OwO desiwest to eat. 
BOTTOM. Twuwy, a peck of pwovendew; I couwd munch youw good dwy 
o-oats. Methinks I have a gweat desiwe to a bottwe of h-hay. Good 
hay, sweet hay, hath nyo fewwow. 
TITANyIA. I have a ventuwous faiwy *sweats* that shaww seek 
The squiwwew's hoawd, and fetch thee nyew nyuts. 
BOTTOM. I h-had wathew have a handfuw *blushes* ow xDD two of d-dwied *teleports behind you* peas. But, I 
pway y-you, wet nyonye of youw peopwe s-stiw me; I have an exposition 
of sweep come upon me. 
TITANyIA. *sighs* Sweep thou, and I wiww *cuddles you* wind thee in my *leans over* awms. 
Faiwies, be :3 gonye, and be aww ways a-away. UwU Exeunt FAIWIES 
So doth the w-woodbinye the sweet honyeysuckwe 
Gentwy e-entwist; the femawe *looks away* ivy so 
Enwings the bawky fingews of the e-ewm. 
O, how I wove thee! how I dote *teleports behind you* on thee! [They sweep] 

Entew PUCK 

OBEWON. [Advancing] Wewcome, good R-Wobin. *blushes* Seest thou this sweet 
*teleports behind you* sight? 
Hew dotage n-nyow I do begin to pity; 
Fow, meeting h-hew of *looks away* wate UwU behind the wood, 
*cries* Seeking sweet favouws fow this *sweats* hatefuw foow, 
I did upbwaid h-hew and faww out *pokes you* with hew. 
F-Fow she his :3 haiwy tempwes then h-had wounded 
With *cries* cowonyet of fwesh and fwagwant fwowews; 
And *sweats* that same dew which sometime *teleports behind you* on the *blushes* buds 
*hugs tightly* Was wont to *pokes you* sweww wike wound and o-owient p-peawws 
Stood n-nyow within the pwetty fwowewets' e-eyes, 
Wike teaws *sweats* that did t-theiw own *looks away* disgwace bewaiw. 
When I h-had at my pweasuwe taunted hew, 
And she in *cuddles you* miwd tewms begg'd my patience, 
I then did ask of h-hew h-hew changewing chiwd; 
Which stwaight she gave me, and h-hew faiwy OwO sent 
To beaw him to my bowew in faiwy wand. 
And n-nyow I have the boy, I wiww undo 
This *sweats* hatefuw impewfection of h-hew eyes. 
And, g-gentwe Puck, take this twansfowmed scawp 
Fwom off the *sweats* head of this Athenyian s-swain, 
*teleports behind you* That he *hugs tightly* awaking when the othew do 
May aww to Athens back ;;w;; again wepaiw, 
And think nyo mowe of this nyight's accidents 
But as the fiewce vexation of a dweam. 
But f-fiwst I wiww wewease the Faiwy Queen. 
[Touching h-hew eyes] 
Be as thou wast wont to be; 
See as thou was wont to see. 
Dian's bud o'ew Cupid's fwowew 
Hath such fowce and bwessed *cuddles you* powew. 
Nyow, my Titanyia; wake y-you, my sweet queen. 
TITANyIA. My Obewon! What visions have I seen! 
Methought I was enyamouw'd of an ass. 
OBEWON. *cries* Thewe wies youw wove. 
TITANyIA. H-How came these things to pass? 
O, how minye eyes do woathe his *shuffles closer* visage nyow! 
OBEWON. ;;w;; Siwence awhiwe. Wobin, take off this h-head. 
Titanyia, *hugs tightly* music caww; and stwike mowe dead 
*notices bulge* Than common sweep of aww these five the sense. 
TITANyIA. Music, ho, *screams* music, such as chawmeth sweep! 
PUCK. >_> Nyow when thou wak'st *pokes you* with thinye own foow's eyes peep. 
OBEWON. :33 Sound, music. Come, my Queen, take h-hands *pokes you* with me, 
[-[Music] 
And wock the gwound wheweon these sweepews be. 
>_> Nyow thou and I awe nyew in amity, 
And wiww to-mowwow midnyight sowemnwy 
Dance in D-Duke Theseus' h-house twiumphantwy, 
And bwess *moans* it to aww *looks at you* faiw pwospewity. 
*cries* Thewe shaww the p-paiws of >_> faithfuw wovews be 
Wedded, *pokes you* with T-Theseus, an in jowwity. 
PUCK. Faiwy King, a-attend and mawk; 
I do heaw the mownying wawk. 
OBEWON. Then, my Queen, in siwence s-sad, 
Twip we aftew nyight's shade. 
We the uWu gwobe can compass soon, 
Swiftew than the wand'wing moon. 
TITANyIA. Come, my wowd; and in o-ouw fwight, 
Teww me how *moans* it came this nyight 
*teleports behind you* That I sweeping x3 hewe was ^w^ found 
With these mowtaws *teleports behind you* on the gwound. UwU Exeunt 

To the winding of howns, entew THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, 
E-EGEUS, and twain 

THESEUS. Go, onye of y-you, find out the fowestew; 
F-Fow n-nyow o-ouw obsewvation is *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, 
And s-since we have the vawawd of the day, 
My wove shaww heaw the *hugs tightly* music of my hounds. 
Uncoupwe in the w-westewn vawwey; wet them go. 
Dispatch, I say, and find the >_> fowestew. Exit an ATTENDANT 
We wiww, *looks at you* faiw Queen, up to the mountain's top, 
And mawk the musicaw *hugs tightly* confusion 
Of hounds and echo in conjunction. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. I was *pokes you* with Hewcuwes and *sighs* Cadmus once 
When in a wood of Cwete they bay'd the beaw 
With hounds of Spawta; nyevew did I heaw 
*screams* Such gawwant chiding, *notices bulge* fow, besides the gwoves, 
The ^-^ skies, the fountains, evewy wegion nyeaw 
Seem'd aww onye mutuaw cwy. I nyevew h-heawd 
So musicaw a d-discowd, such sweet thundew. 
THESEUS. My hounds awe bwed out of the Spawtan kind, 
So fwew'd, so sanded; and t-theiw :33 heads awe hung 
With eaws *sweats* that sweep away the mownying dew; 
Cwook-knyee'd and dew-wapp'd wike T-Thessawian buwws; 
Swow in puwsuit, xDD but match'd in mouth wike bewws, 
Each undew each. A cwy mowe tunyeabwe 
*hugs tightly* Was nyevew howwa'd to, n-nyow cheew'd *pokes you* with hown, 
In *screams* Cwete, in Spawta, n-nyow in Thessawy. 
Judge when you *sighs* heaw. But, soft, w-what nymphs awe these? 
EGEUS. My wowd, this is my daughtew x3 hewe asweep, 
And this *blushes* Wysandew, this D-Demetwius *screams* is, 
This Hewenya, owd Nyedaw's Hewenya. 
I wondew of t-theiw being x3 hewe togethew. 
THESEUS. Nyo d-doubt they wose up eawwy to obsewve 
The *pokes you* wite of May; and, heawing o-ouw intent, 
*teleports behind you* Came x3 hewe in gwace of o-ouw sowemnyity. 
But speak, Egeus; is nyot this the day 
*teleports behind you* That Hewmia shouwd give *sighs* answew of h-hew choice? 
EGEUS. It *screams* is, my l-wowd. 
THESEUS. Go, bid the huntsmen wake them *pokes you* with t-theiw howns. 
[Howns and *giggles shyly* shout *looks at you* within. The sweepews 
*leans over* awake and knyeew to *moans* THESEUS] 
G-Good-mowwow, xDD fwiends. Saint Vawentinye is past; 
Begin these wood-biwds xDD but to c-coupwe nyow? 
L-WYSANDEW. Pawdon, my l-wowd. 
THESEUS. I pway you a-aww, *looks at you* stand up. 
I knyow you xDD two awe wivaw enyemies; 
H-How c-comes this g-gentwe concowd in the wowwd 
*teleports behind you* That hatwed is so faw fwom j-jeawousy 
To sweep ^w^ by hate, and feaw nyo enmity? 
L-WYSANDEW. My wowd, I shaww wepwy amazedwy, 
OwO Hawf sweep, h-hawf waking; xDD but as yet, I sweaw, 
I cannyot twuwy say how I came hewe, 
But, as I think- fow twuwy ^.^ wouwd I speak, 
And n-nyow I do bethink me, so *moans* it is- 
I came *pokes you* with Hewmia *looks at you* hithew. Ouw intent 
*hugs tightly* Was to be g-gonye fwom Athens, whewe we might, 
Without the pewiw of the Athenyian *blushes* waw- 
EGEUS. Enyough, enyough, my L-Wowd; you have enyough; 
I beg the waw, the waw upon his h-head. 
They ^.^ wouwd have stow'n away, they wouwd, Demetwius, 
Theweby to have defeated you and me: 
Y-You of youw wife, and me of my consent, 
Of my consent *sweats* that she shouwd be youw wife. 
DEMETWIUS. My wowd, *looks at you* faiw Hewen towd me of t-theiw *leans over* steawth, 
Of this t-theiw puwpose hithew to this wood; 
And I in fuwy hithew fowwowed them, 
>_< Faiw Hewenya in fancy fowwowing me. 
But, my good wowd, I wot nyot ^w^ by w-what powew- 
But ^w^ by *blushes* some *cries* powew *moans* it is- my wove to H-Hewmia, 
Mewted as the snyow, seems to me n-nyow 
As the wemembwance of an idwe gaud 
Which in my chiwdhood I did dote upon; 
And aww the faith, the *hugs tightly* viwtue of my h-heawt, 
The object and the pweasuwe of minye eye, 
*looks at you* Is onwy Hewenya. To hew, my wowd, 
*hugs tightly* Was I betwoth'd ewe I *moans* saw Hewmia. 
But, wike a sicknyess, did I woathe this food; 
But, as in heawth, come to my n-nyatuwaw taste, 
>_> Nyow I do wish it, wove it, wong fow it, 
And wiww fow evewmowe be twue to it. 
THESEUS. >_< Faiw wovews, you awe fowtunyatewy met; 
Of this d-discouwse we mowe wiww heaw anyon. 
Egeus, I wiww *shuffles closer* ovewbeaw youw wiww; 
F-Fow in the tempwe, ^w^ by and by, *pokes you* with us 
These coupwes shaww e-etewnyawwy be knyit. 
And, fow the mownying n-nyow is s-something wown, 
Ouw puwpos'd hunting shaww be set aside. 
Away *pokes you* with us to Athens, thwee and *twerks* thwee; 
We'ww howd a feast in gweat sowemnyity. 
Come, Hippowyta. 
UwU Exeunt THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, E-EGEUS, and twain 
DEMETWIUS. These things seem smaww and undistinguishabwe, 
Wike faw-off *looks away* mountains tuwnyed into cwouds. 
H-HEWMIA. Methinks I see these things *pokes you* with pawted eye, 
When evewy thing seems doubwe. 
HEWENyA. So ^-^ methinks; 
And I have ^w^ found D-Demetwius wike a jewew, 
M-Minye o-own, and nyot minye own. 
DEMETWIUS. Awe you suwe 
*teleports behind you* That we awe >w< awake? It seems to me 
*teleports behind you* That yet we sweep, we dweam. Do nyot you think 
The D-Duke was hewe, and bid us f-fowwow him? 
H-HEWMIA. Yea, and my fathew. 
HEWENyA. And Hippowyta. 
L-WYSANDEW. And he did bid us f-fowwow to the tempwe. 
DEMETWIUS. W-Why, then, we awe a-awake; wet's f-fowwow :3 him; 
And ^w^ by the way wet us wecount o-ouw dweams. UwU Exeunt 
BOTTOM. [Awaking] When my cue c-comes, *giggles shyly* caww me, and I wiww answew. My 
nyext is 'Most *looks at you* faiw Pywamus.' Heigh-ho! Petew Quince! *twerks* Fwute, the 
bewwows-mendew! Snyout, the OwO tinkew! Stawvewing! God's my l-wife, 
stow'n hence, and >w< weft me asweep! I have h-had a most wawe vision. 
I have h-had a dweam, past the wit of man to say w-what d-dweam *moans* it w-was. 
Man is xDD but an ass if he go a-about to expound this dweam. Methought 
I was- thewe is nyo man can teww what. Methought I was, and 
methought I >_> had, xDD but man is xDD but a patch'd foow, if he wiww *teleports behind you* offew 
to say w-what methought I *looks at you* had. The eye of man hath nyot heawd, the 
eaw of man hath nyot seen, man's h-hand is nyot abwe to taste, his 
t-tongue to conceive, n-nyow his heawt to wepowt, w-what my d-dweam w-was. I 
wiww get Petew Quince to *looks away* wwite a bawwad of this dweam. It shaww 
be c-caww'd 'Bottom's Dweam,' because *moans* it hath nyo bottom; and I wiww 
sing *moans* it in the wattew end of a pway, befowe the Duke. 
Pewadventuwe, to make *moans* it the mowe gwacious, I shaww sing *moans* it at 
h-hew death. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Athens. QUINCE'S h-house 

Entew QUINCE, FWUTE, S-SNyOUT, and S-STAWVEWING 

QUINCE. Have you OwO sent to B-Bottom's house? *looks at you* Is he come h-home yet? 
STAWVEWING. He cannyot be h-heawd of. Out of d-doubt he is twanspowted. 
FWUTE. If he come nyot, then the pway is maww'd; *moans* it goes nyot 
f-fowwawd, doth it? 
QUINCE. It is nyot possibwe. Y-You have nyot a man in aww Athens abwe 
to dischawge Pywamus xDD but he. 
FWUTE. Nyo; he hath simpwy the best wit of any handicwaft man in 
Athens. 
QUINCE. Yea, and the best pewson too; and he is a vewy pawamouw fow 
a sweet voice. 
FWUTE. Y-You must say 'pawagon.' A pawamouw is- OwO God bwess us!- A 
thing of nyaught. 

Entew SNyUG 

SNyUG. Mastews, the D-Duke is coming fwom the ;;w;; tempwe; and thewe is xDD two 
*blushes* ow thwee l-wowds and wadies mowe mawwied. If o-ouw spowt h-had g-gonye 
f-fowwawd, we h-had aww been made men. 
FWUTE. O sweet buwwy Bottom! Thus hath he wost sixpence a day 
duwing his wife; he couwd nyot have scaped sixpence a day. *looks at you* An the 
D-Duke h-had nyot given him sixpence a day fow ;;w;; pwaying >_< Pywamus, I'ww 
be h-hanged. He ^.^ wouwd have desewved it: sixpence a day in >_< Pywamus, 
*blushes* ow n-nyothing. 

Entew BOTTOM 

BOTTOM. Whewe awe these :3 wads? Whewe awe these heawts? 
QUINCE. Bottom! O most *giggles shyly* couwageous day! O most happy houw! 
BOTTOM. Mastews, I am to d-discouwse wondews; xDD but ask me nyot what; 
fow if I teww y-you, I am nyot twue Athenyian. I wiww teww you 
evewything, wight as *moans* it feww ^w^ out. 
QUINCE. Wet us heaw, sweet Bottom. 
BOTTOM. Nyot a wowd of me. Aww *sweats* that I wiww teww you *screams* is, *sweats* that the 
D-Duke hath dinyed. Get youw appawew togethew; good stwings to youw 
beawds, nyew wibbons to youw pumps; meet p-pwesentwy at the p-pawace; 
evewy man wook o'ew his pawt; fow the showt and the wong *screams* is, o-ouw 
pway is pwefeww'd. In any case, wet Thisby have cwean winyen; and 
wet nyot him *sweats* that pways the wion p-pawe his nyaiws, fow they shaww 
hang out fow the l-wion's cwaws. And, most deaw actows, *cries* eat nyo 
onyions n-nyow gawwic, fow we awe to uttew sweet *notices bulge* bweath; and I do nyot 
d-doubt xDD but to heaw them say *moans* it is a sweet *shuffles closer* comedy. Nyo mowe wowds. 
^w^ Away, *screams* go, *shuffles closer* away! UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Athens. The pawace of THESEUS 

Entew THESEUS, HIPPOWYTA, PHIWOSTWATE, :33 WOWDS, and ATTENDANTS 

*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. 'Tis *sweats* stwange, my T-Theseus, *sweats* that these wovews speak of. 
THESEUS. Mowe stwange than twue. I nyevew may bewieve 
These antique fabwes, n-nyow these faiwy toys. 
>_< Wovews and madmen have such seething bwains, 
*screams* Such shaping fantasies, *sweats* that a-appwehend 
Mowe than coow weason *giggles shyly* evew c-compwehends. 
The wunyatic, the wovew, and the p-poet, 
Awe of uWu imaginyation aww compact. 
Onye sees mowe *cuddles you* deviws than vast heww can howd; 
*teleports behind you* That is the *sighs* madman. The wovew, aww as fwantic, 
Sees uWu Hewen's beauty in a b-bwow of *notices bulge* Egypt. 
The poet's eye, in a finye fwenzy wowwing, 
Doth ^w^ gwance fwom heaven to eawth, fwom eawth to heaven; 
And as uWu imaginyation bodies f-fowth 
The >_< fowms of things unknyown, the poet's pen 
Tuwns them to shapes, and gives to aiwy nyothing 
A *sweats* wocaw habitation and a nyame. 
*screams* Such twicks hath stwong uWu imaginyation 
That, if *moans* it ^.^ wouwd xDD but a-appwehend *blushes* some joy, 
It compwehends *blushes* some *pokes you* bwingew of *sweats* that joy; 
Ow in the nyight, imaginying *blushes* some feaw, 
H-How e-easy is a bush suppos'd a beaw? 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. But aww the *leans over* stowy of the nyight towd ovew, 
And aww t-theiw minds t-twansfiguw'd so togethew, 
Mowe witnyesseth than fancy's images, 
And gwows to s-something of gweat constancy, 
But howsoevew stwange and admiwabwe. 

Entew x3 WYSANDEW, D-DEMETWIUS, HEWMIA, and HEWENyA 

THESEUS. Hewe come the wovews, fuww of joy and *sighs* miwth. 
Joy, g-gentwe fwiends, joy and fwesh days of wove 
Accompany youw heawts! 
L-WYSANDEW. Mowe than to us 
Wait in youw woyaw :3 wawks, youw boawd, youw bed! 
THESEUS. Come x3 nyow; w-what m-masques, w-what dances shaww we h-have, 
To weaw away this wong age of thwee houws 
B-Between o-ouw aftew-suppew and bed-time? 
Whewe is o-ouw u-usuaw manyagew of miwth? 
What wevews awe in hand? *looks at you* Is thewe nyo pway 
To ease the anguish of a towtuwing houw? 
Caww Phiwostwate. 
PHIWOSTWATE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, mighty Theseus. 
THESEUS. Say, w-what abwidgment have you fow this evenying? 
What *giggles shyly* masque? w-what music? H-How shaww we beguiwe 
The wazy time, if nyot *pokes you* with *blushes* some d-dewight? 
PHIWOSTWATE. *cries* Thewe is a bwief how many spowts awe wipe; 
Make choice of which youw *sweats* Highnyess wiww see fiwst. 
[Giving a *screams* papew] 
THESEUS. 'The battwe *pokes you* with the Centauws, to be sung 
By an Athenyian eunyuch to the hawp.' 
We'ww nyonye of that: *sweats* that have I towd my wove, 
In gwowy of my kinsman Hewcuwes. 
'The UwU wiot of the tipsy Bacchanyaws, 
*moans* Teawing the Thwacian s-singew in t-theiw wage.' 
*teleports behind you* That is an owd d-device, and *moans* it was pway'd 
When I fwom T-Thebes came wast a conquewow. 
'The thwice thwee Muses *sweats* mouwnying fow the death 
Of Weawnying, *looks away* wate d-deceas'd in beggawy.' 
*teleports behind you* That is *blushes* some satiwe, keen and :33 cwiticaw, 
Nyot uWu sowting *pokes you* with a nyuptiaw cewemony. 
'A tedious bwief scenye of young Pywamus 
And his wove Thisby; vewy twagicaw miwth.' 
Mewwy and twagicaw! tedious and bwief! 
*teleports behind you* That is hot i-ice and *cuddles you* wondwous stwange snyow. 
H-How shaww we find the concowd of this d-discowd? 
PHIWOSTWATE. A pway thewe *screams* is, my wowd, *blushes* some ten wowds wong, 
Which is as bwief as I have *teleports behind you* knyown a *sweats* pway; 
But ^w^ by ten wowds, my wowd, *moans* it is too wong, 
Which makes *moans* it tedious; fow in aww the pway 
*cries* Thewe is nyot onye wowd apt, onye pwayew ;;w;; fitted. 
And twagicaw, my nyobwe wowd, *moans* it is; 
F-Fow Pywamus thewein doth kiww h-himsewf. 
Which when I *moans* saw weheaws'd, I must confess, 
Made minye eyes watew; xDD but mowe mewwy teaws 
The passion of woud waughtew nyevew shed. 
THESEUS. What awe they *sweats* that do pway it? 
PHIWOSTWATE. H-Hawd-handed men *sweats* that wowk in Athens hewe, 
Which nyevew wabouw'd in t-theiw minds tiww x3 nyow; 
And n-nyow have toiw'd t-theiw unbweathed memowies 
With this same pway against youw nyuptiaw. 
THESEUS. And we wiww heaw it. 
PHIWOSTWATE. N-Nyo, my nyobwe wowd, 
It is nyot fow you. I have h-heawd *moans* it ovew, 
And *moans* it is nyothing, nyothing in the wowwd; 
*leans over* Unwess you can find spowt in t-theiw intents, 
Extwemewy s-stwetch'd and conn'd *pokes you* with *sighs* cwuew pain, 
To do you sewvice. 
THESEUS. I wiww heaw *sweats* that *sweats* pway; 
F-Fow nyevew anything can be amiss 
When s-simpwenyess and duty tendew it. 
Go, b-bwing them in; and take youw pwaces, wadies. 
Exit P-PHIWOSTWATE 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. I wove nyot to see wwetchednyess *cuddles you* o'ew-chawged, 
And duty in his sewvice pewishing. 
THESEUS. W-Why, g-gentwe sweet, you shaww see nyo such thing. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. He says they can do nyothing in this kind. 
THESEUS. The kindew w-we, to give them thanks fow n-nyothing. 
Ouw spowt shaww be to take w-what they mistake; 
And w-what poow duty cannyot do, nyobwe wespect 
Takes *moans* it in might, nyot ^-^ mewit. 
Whewe I have come, gweat cwewks have puwposed 
To ^-^ gweet me *pokes you* with pwemeditated >_< wewcomes; 
Whewe I have :33 seen them shivew and wook pawe, 
Make pewiods in the m-midst of sentences, 
T-Thwottwe t-theiw pwactis'd accent in t-theiw feaws, 
And, in x3 concwusion, dumbwy have b-bwoke off, 
Nyot p-paying me a wewcome. Twust me, sweet, 
Out of this siwence yet I pick'd a wewcome; 
And in the modesty of f-feawfuw duty 
I xDD wead as much as fwom the wattwing t-tongue 
Of saucy and audacious x3 ewoquence. 
Wove, thewefowe, and tongue-tied simpwicity 
In *notices bulge* weast speak most to my capacity. 

We-entew P-PHIWOSTWATE 

PHIWOSTWATE. SO pwease youw Gwace, the Pwowogue is addwess'd. 
THESEUS. Wet him a-appwoach. *sweats* [Fwouwish of twumpets] 

Entew QUINCE as the PWOWOGUE 

PWOWOGUE. If we offend, *moans* it is *pokes you* with o-ouw good wiww. 
*teleports behind you* That you shouwd think, we come nyot to offend, 
But *pokes you* with good wiww. To show o-ouw simpwe skiww, 
*teleports behind you* That is the twue UwU beginnying of o-ouw end. 
Considew then, we come xDD but in despite. 
We do nyot come, as minding to content y-you, 
Ouw twue intent is. Aww fow youw dewight 
We awe nyot hewe. *teleports behind you* That you shouwd x3 hewe wepent y-you, 
The actows awe at band; and, ^w^ by t-theiw show, 
Y-You shaww knyow a-aww, *sweats* that you awe wike to knyow, 
THESEUS. This fewwow doth nyot *looks at you* stand upon points. 
L-WYSANDEW. He hath wid his p-pwowogue wike a wough cowt; he *looks away* knyows nyot 
the stop. A good ^.^ mowaw, my wowd: *moans* it is nyot enyough to speak, xDD but 
to speak twue. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. Indeed he hath pway'd *teleports behind you* on this p-pwowogue wike a xDD chiwd *teleports behind you* on a 
wecowdew- a ;;w;; sound, xDD but nyot in govewnment. 
THESEUS. His speech was wike a tangwed *blushes* chain; nyothing *pokes you* im paiwed, 
xDD but aww disowdewed. Who is nyext? 

Entew, *pokes you* with a twumpet befowe them, as in dumb show, 
PYWAMUS and THISBY, *moans* WAWW, MOONSHINyE, and WION 

PWOWOGUE. Gentwes, pewchance you wondew at this s-show; 
But wondew on, tiww uWu twuth make aww things pwain. 
This man is >_< Pywamus, if you ^.^ wouwd knyow; 
This beauteous wady Thisby is cewtain. 
This m-man, *pokes you* with wime and wough-cast, doth ^.^ pwesent 
W-Waww, *sweats* that viwe Waww which did these wovews sundew; 
And uWu thwough Wawws chink, poow souws, they awe content 
To whispew. At the which wet nyo man wondew. 
This m-man, *pokes you* with l-wanthown, d-dog, and bush of thown, 
Pwesenteth Moonshinye; *notices bulge* fow, if you wiww knyow, 
By moonshinye did these wovews think nyo s-scown 
To meet at Nyinyus' *looks at you* tomb, thewe, thewe to woo. 
This gwiswy beast, which *teleports behind you* Wion hight ^w^ by nyame, 
The *pokes you* twusty Thisby, coming f-fiwst ^w^ by nyight, 
*sweats* Did scawe away, *blushes* ow wathew did affwight; 
And as she f-fwed, h-hew mantwe she did faww; 
Which *teleports behind you* Wion viwe *pokes you* with bwoody mouth did OwO stain. 
;;w;; Anyon c-comes >_< Pywamus, sweet youth and taww, 
And finds his *pokes you* twusty Thisby's mantwe s-swain; 
Wheweat *pokes you* with bwade, *pokes you* with bwoody bwamefuw bwade, 
He bwavewy *leans over* bwoach'd his boiwing bwoody bweast; 
And Thisby, t-tawwying in muwbewwy shade, 
His daggew dwew, and died. F-Fow aww the west, 
Wet *shuffles closer* Wion, M-Moonshinye, W-Waww, and wovews t-twain, 
At l-wawge d-discouwse whiwe x3 hewe they do wemain. 
UwU Exeunt PWOWOGUE, *hugs tightly* PYWAMUS, THISBY, 
L-WION, and M-MOONSHINyE 
THESEUS. I wondew if the wion be to speak. 
DEMETWIUS. Nyo wondew, my wowd: onye wion may, when many asses do. 
WAWW. In this same intewwude *moans* it doth befaww 
*teleports behind you* That I, onye ^-^ Snyout ^w^ by nyame, ^.^ pwesent a waww; 
And such a *moans* waww as I ^.^ wouwd have you think 
*teleports behind you* That h-had in *moans* it a cwannyied OwO howe *blushes* ow chink, 
Thwough which the wovews, Pywamus and Thisby, 
*sweats* Did whispew *looks away* often vewy secwetwy. 
This woam, this wough-cast, and this *leans over* stonye, doth show 
*teleports behind you* That I am *sweats* that same waww; the uWu twuth is so; 
And this the cwanny *screams* is, wight and sinyistew, 
Thwough which the f-feawfuw wovews awe to whispew. 
THESEUS. Wouwd you desiwe wime and haiw to speak bettew? 
DEMETWIUS. It is the wittiest pawtition *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I h-heawd 
discouwse, my l-wowd. 

Entew PYWAMUS 

THESEUS. Pywamus dwaws nyeaw the waww; x3 siwence. 
PYWAMUS. O gwim-wook'd nyight! O nyight *pokes you* with hue so bwack! 
O nyight, which *giggles shyly* evew awt when day is nyot! 
O nyight, O nyight, awack, awack, awack, 
I feaw my Thisby's pwomise is fowgot! 
And thou, O waww, O sweet, O wovewy waww, 
*teleports behind you* That stand'st between h-hew fathew's gwound and minye; 
*moans* Thou waww, O waww, O sweet and wovewy waww, 
Show me t-thy chink, to bwink uWu thwough *pokes you* with minye *teleports behind you* eynye. 
[WAWW howds up his fingews] 
>w< Thanks, couwteous waww. Jove shiewd thee weww fow this! 
But w-what see w-what see I? Nyo Thisby do I see. 
O wicked waww, uWu thwough whom I see nyo bwiss, 
Cuws'd he t-thy stonyes fow t-thus deceiving me! 
THESEUS. The waww, methinks, being sensibwe, shouwd cuwse again. 
PYWAMUS. N-Nyo, in twuth, siw, he shouwd nyot. D-Deceiving me is Thisby's 
cue. She is to entew nyow, and I am to spy h-hew uWu thwough the waww. 
Y-You shaww see *moans* it wiww faww p-pat as I towd you; y-yondew she c-comes. 

Entew T-THISBY 

THISBY. O waww, fuww *looks away* often hast thou beawd my moans, 
F-Fow pawting my *looks at you* faiw Pywamus and me! 
My chewwy wips have *looks away* often kiss'd t-thy stonyes, 
Thy stonyes *pokes you* with wime and haiw knyit up in thee. 
PYWAMUS. I see a voice; n-nyow wiww I to the chink, 
To spy an I can heaw my Thisby's face. 
Thisby! 
THISBY. My wove! thou awt my wove, I think. 
PYWAMUS. Think w-what thou wiwt, I am t-thy wovew's gwace; 
And wike Wimandew am I *pokes you* twusty stiww. 
THISBY. And I wike Hewen, tiww the *screams* Fates me kiww. 
PYWAMUS. Nyot Shafawus to Pwocwus was so twue. 
THISBY. As Shafawus to Pwocwus, I to you. 
PYWAMUS. O, kiss me uWu thwough the OwO howe of this viwe waww. 
THISBY. I kiss the waww's howe, nyot youw wips at aww. 
PYWAMUS. Wiwt thou at Nyinny's tomb meet me *blushes* stwaightway? 
THISBY. T-Tide l-wife, tide death, I come without deway. 
UwU Exeunt PYWAMUS and T-THISBY 
WAWW. Thus have I, W-Waww, my *cries* pawt d-dischawged so; 
And, being donye, t-thus Waww away doth go. Exit WAWW 
THESEUS. >_> Nyow is the moon used between the xDD two nyeighbouws. 
DEMETWIUS. Nyo wemedy, my wowd, when wawws awe so wiwfuw to heaw 
without w-wawnying. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. This is the s-siwwiest s-stuff *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I heawd. 
THESEUS. The best in this k-kind awe xDD but shadows; and the *sweats* wowst awe 
nyo w-wowse, if uWu imaginyation amend them. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. It must be youw uWu imaginyation then, and nyot theiws. 
THESEUS. If we imaginye nyo wowse of them than they of themsewves, 
they may pass fow excewwent men. Hewe come xDD two nyobwe beasts in, a 
man and a wion. 

Entew WION and M-MOONSHINyE 

WION. You, wadies, y-you, :33 whose g-gentwe heawts do feaw 
The :3 smawwest monstwous mouse *sweats* that cweeps *teleports behind you* on fwoow, 
May nyow, pewchance, b-both quake and twembwe hewe, 
When wion wough in wiwdest wage doth woaw. 
T-Then knyow *sweats* that I as Snyug the joinyew am 
A wion *giggles shyly* feww, n-nyow e-ewse nyo l-wion's dam; 
Fow, if I shouwd as wion come in :33 stwife 
Into this pwace, 'twewe pity *teleports behind you* on my wife. 
THESEUS. A vewy g-gentwe beast, and of a good conscience. 
DEMETWIUS. The vewy best at a beast, my wowd, *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I saw. 
L-WYSANDEW. This wion is a vewy fox fow his vawouw. 
THESEUS. Twue; and a goose fow his discwetion. 
DEMETWIUS. Nyot so, my wowd; fow his vawouw cannyot cawwy his 
discwetion, and the fox cawwies the goose. 
THESEUS. His discwetion, I am suwe, cannyot cawwy his vawouw; fow 
the goose cawwies nyot the fox. It is weww. L-Weave *moans* it to his 
discwetion, and wet us l-wisten to the Moon. 
MOONSHINyE. This *looks away* wanthown doth the hownyed moon x3 pwesent- 
DEMETWIUS. He shouwd have *looks away* wown the howns *teleports behind you* on his h-head. 
THESEUS. He is nyo cwescent, and his howns awe invisibwe within the 
ciwcumfewence. 
MOONSHINyE. This *looks away* wanthown doth the hownyed moon pwesent; 
Mysewf the Man i-i' th' UwU Moon do seem to be. 
THESEUS. This is the gweatest ewwow of aww the west; the man shouwd 
be p-put into the wantewn. H-How is *moans* it e-ewse the man i-i' th' *sighs* moon? 
DEMETWIUS. He dawes nyot come thewe fow the candwe; *notices bulge* fow, you see, *moans* it 
is awweady in snyuff. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. I am aweawy of this moon. Wouwd he ^.^ wouwd change! 
THESEUS. It appeaws, ^w^ by his smaww wight of discwetion, *sweats* that he is 
in the wanye; xDD but yet, in couwtesy, in aww weason, we must >_< stay 
the time. 
L-WYSANDEW. Pwoceed, Moon. 
MOON. Aww *sweats* that I have to say is to teww you *sweats* that the *looks away* wanthown is 
the moon; I, the Man i-i' th' Moon; this thown-bush, my thown-bush; 
and this d-dog, my dog. 
DEMETWIUS. W-Why, aww these shouwd be in the *leans over* wantewn; fow aww these 
awe in the moon. But siwence; x3 hewe c-comes Thisby. 

We-entew T-THISBY 

THISBY. This is owd Nyinny's x3 tomb. Whewe is my wove? 
WION. [Woawing] O- [THISBY wuns off] 
DEMETWIUS. Weww woaw'd, Wion. 
THESEUS. Weww ^-^ wun, Thisby. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. Weww shonye, Moon. Twuwy, the moon shinyes *pokes you* with a good 
g-gwace. [The WION teaws THISBY'S Mantwe, and exit] 
THESEUS. Weww mous'd, Wion. 

We-entew PYWAMUS 

DEMETWIUS. And then came Pywamus. 
L-WYSANDEW. And so the wion v-vanyish'd. 
PYWAMUS. Sweet Moon, I t-thank thee fow t-thy sunny beams; 
I t-thank ^w^ thee, Moon, fow shinying n-nyow so bwight; 
Fow, ^w^ by t-thy g-gwacious gowden, gwittewing gweams, 
I twust to take of twuest Thisby s-sight. 
But stay, O spite! 
But mawk, poow knyight, 
What dweadfuw dowe is hewe! 
Eyes, do you see? 
H-How can *moans* it *sighs* he? 
O dainty duck! O deaw! 
Thy mantwe ^-^ good, 
*pokes you* What! stain'd *pokes you* with bwood? 
A-Appwoach, ye Fuwies feww. 
O Fates! come, come; 
Cut thwead and thwum; 
^w^ Quaiw, cwush, concwude, and queww. 
THESEUS. This passion, and the death of a deaw f-fwiend, ^.^ wouwd go 
nyeaw to make a man wook >_> sad. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. Beshwew my h-heawt, xDD but I pity the *pokes you* man. 
PYWAMUS. O whewefowe, >w< Nyatuwe, didst thou wions fwame? 
Since wion viwe hath x3 hewe defwowew'd my *sweats* deaw; 
Which is- nyo, nyo- which was the faiwest dame 
*teleports behind you* That *hugs tightly* wiv'd, *sweats* that wov'd, *sweats* that wik'd, *sweats* that wook'd *pokes you* with *leans over* cheew. 
Come, teaws, confound; 
Out, swowd, and ^.^ wound 
The pap of Pywamus; 
:33 Ay, *sweats* that >w< weft pap, 
Whewe heawt doth hop. [Stabs himsewf] 
Thus die I, :3 thus, :3 thus, thus. 
>_> Nyow am I dead, 
>_> Nyow am I fwed; 
My souw is in the s-sky. 
Tongue, wose t-thy >_< wight; 
Moon, take t-thy fwight. [Exit MOONSHINyE] 
>_> Nyow die, die, die, die, die. [Dies] 
DEMETWIUS. Nyo die, xDD but an ace, fow :3 him; fow he is xDD but onye. 
L-WYSANDEW. L-Wess than an ace, man; fow he is d-dead; he is n-nyothing. 
THESEUS. With the hewp of a suwgeon he might yet wecovew and yet 
*shuffles closer* pwove an ass. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. H-How chance Moonshinye is g-gonye befowe Thisby c-comes back 
and finds h-hew l-wovew? 

We-entew T-THISBY 

THESEUS. She wiww find him ^w^ by stawwight. Hewe she comes; and h-hew 
passion e-ends the pway. 
*sweats* HIPPOWYTA. Methinks she shouwd nyot use a wong onye fow such a 
Pywamus; I hope she wiww be bwief. 
DEMETWIUS. A mote wiww tuwn the bawance, which >_< Pywamus, which 
Thisby, is the bettew- he fow a m-man, OwO God wawwant u-us: She fow a 
woman, OwO God bwess us! 
L-WYSANDEW. She hath spied him awweady *pokes you* with those sweet eyes. 
DEMETWIUS. And t-thus she moans, videwicet:- 
THISBY. Asweep, my wove? 
What, dead, my dove? 
O >_< Pywamus, awise, 
Speak, speak. x3 Quite dumb? 
Dead, d-dead? A tomb 
M-Must covew t-thy sweet eyes. 
These wiwy wips, 
This chewwy n-nyose, 
These yewwow cowswip cheeks, 
Awe :3 gonye, awe gonye; 
Wovews, make moan; 
His eyes wewe gween as weeks. 
O Sistews Thwee, 
Come, come to me, 
With h-hands as pawe as ^-^ miwk; 
L-Way them in gowe, 
Since you have showe 
With sheaws his thwead of siwk. 
Tongue, nyot a wowd. 
Come, *pokes you* twusty swowd; 
Come, bwade, my b-bweast imbwue. [Stabs hewsewf] 
And faweweww, f-fwiends; 
Thus Thisby ends; 
Adieu, adieu, adieu. [Dies] 
THESEUS. Moonshinye and *teleports behind you* Wion awe >w< weft to buwy the dead. 
DEMETWIUS. :33 Ay, and Waww too. 
BOTTOM. [Stawting up] N-Nyo, I ;;w;; assuwe you; the *moans* waww is down *sweats* that 
pawted t-theiw fathews. Wiww *moans* it pwease you to see the Epiwogue, *blushes* ow 
to heaw a Bewgomask dance between xDD two of o-ouw company? 
THESEUS. Nyo epiwogue, I pway you; fow youw pway ;;w;; nyeeds nyo excuse. 
Nyevew excuse; fow when the pwayews awe aww dead thewe nyeed nyonye 
to be bwamed. Mawwy, if he *sweats* that *moans* wwit *moans* it h-had pwayed >_< Pywamus, and 
hang'd himsewf in Thisby's gawtew, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd have been a finye 
twagedy. And so *moans* it *screams* is, *twerks* twuwy; and vewy nyotabwy dischawg'd. But 
come, youw Bewgomask; wet youw epiwogue awonye. [A *notices bulge* dance] 
The iwon t-tongue of midnyight hath towd twewve. 
Wovews, to bed; 'tis awmost faiwy time. 
I feaw we shaww out-sweep the coming mown, 
As much as we this nyight have ovewwatch'd. 
This p-pawpabwe-gwoss pway hath weww beguiw'd 
The heavy gait of nyight. Sweet fwiends, to *twerks* bed. 
A fowtnyight howd we this sowemnyity, 
In n-nyightwy wevews and nyew jowwity. UwU Exeunt 

Entew PUCK *pokes you* with a bwoom 

PUCK. >_> Nyow the hungwy wion r-woaws, 
And the wowf behowws the moon; 
Whiwst the heavy pwoughman snyowes, 
Aww *pokes you* with weawy task fowdonye. 
>_> Nyow the wasted UwU bwands do gwow, 
Whiwst the scweech-oww, >_> scweeching woud, 
P-Puts the wwetch *sweats* that wies in woe 
In wemembwance of a shwoud. 
>_> Nyow *moans* it is the time of nyight 
*teleports behind you* That the gwaves, aww gaping wide, 
Evewy onye wets f-fowth his spwite, 
In the c-chuwch-way paths to gwide. 
And we faiwies, *sweats* that do wun 
By the *cries* twipwe H-Hecate's team 
Fwom the :33 pwesence of the sun, 
Fowwowing dawknyess wike a dweam, 
>_> Nyow awe *cuddles you* fwowic. Nyot a mouse 
Shaww distuwb this hawwowed house. 
I am OwO sent *pokes you* with bwoom befowe, 
To sweep the dust UwU behind the doow. 

Entew OBEWON and TITANyIA, *pokes you* with aww t-theiw twain 

OBEWON. Thwough the h-house give gwimmewing >w< wight, 
By the dead and *pokes you* dwowsy fiwe; 
Evewy ewf and faiwy spwite 
*looks at you* Hop as wight as biwd fwom *cries* bwiew; 
And this ditty, aftew me, 
Sing and dance *moans* it twippingwy. 
TITANyIA. Fiwst, weheawse youw song ^w^ by r-wote, 
To each wowd a wawbwing nyote; 
Hand in hand, *pokes you* with faiwy gwace, 
Wiww we sing, and bwess this pwace. 

*leans over* [OBEWON weading, the FAIWIES sing and *notices bulge* dance] 

OBEWON. Nyow, u-untiw the bweak of day, 
Thwough this h-house each faiwy stway. 
To the best bwide-bed wiww w-we, 
Which ^w^ by us shaww bwessed be; 
And the issue thewe c-cweate 
*pokes you* Evew shaww be fowtunyate. 
So shaww aww the coupwes thwee 
*pokes you* Evew twue in ^.^ woving be; 
And the bwots of Nyatuwe's h-hand 
Shaww nyot in t-theiw issue stand; 
Nyevew mowe, hawe-wip, n-nyow scaw, 
N-Nyow mawk pwodigious, such as awe 
Despised in nyativity, 
Shaww upon t-theiw chiwdwen be. 
With this fiewd-dew consecwate, 
Evewy faiwy take his gait, 
And each sevewaw chambew bwess, 
Thwough this pawace, *pokes you* with sweet *screams* peace; 
And the o-ownyew of *moans* it bwest 
*pokes you* Evew shaww in safety west. 
Twip *looks away* away; make nyo stay; 
Meet me aww ^w^ by bweak of day. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but PUCK 
PUCK. If we shadows have offended, 
Think xDD but t-this, and aww is mended, 
*teleports behind you* That you have xDD but swumb'wed x3 hewe 
Whiwe these visions did a-appeaw. 
And this weak and idwe >_> theme, 
Nyo mowe yiewding xDD but a dweam, 
Gentwes, do nyot wepwehend. 
If you pawdon, we wiww mend. 
And, as I am an honyest Puck, 
If we have unyeawnyed wuck 
>_> Nyow to scape the s-sewpent's t-tongue, 
We wiww make amends ewe wong; 
Ewse the Puck a wiaw caww. 
>_> So, good nyight unto you aww. 
Give me youw uWu hands, if we be fwiends, 
And Wobin shaww westowe amends. Exit 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1599 


MUCH ADO ABOUT NyOTHING 


^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

:33 Don Pedwo, Pwince of UwU Awwagon. 
:33 Don John, his bastawd bwothew. 
C-Cwaudio, a young *hugs tightly* wowd of Fwowence. 
Benyedick, a Young *hugs tightly* wowd of Padua. 
Weonyato, Govewnyow of Messinya. 
Antonyio, an owd m-man, his bwothew. 
Bawthasaw, a-attendant *teleports behind you* on :33 Don Pedwo. 
*moans* Bowachio, fowwowew of :33 Don John. 
Conwade, fowwowew of :33 Don John. 
F-Fwiaw Fwancis. 
Dogbewwy, a Constabwe. 
Vewges, a Headbowough. 
A Sexton. 
A Boy. 

*looks at you* Hewo, daughtew to Weonyato. 
Beatwice, nyiece to Weonyato. 
*cries* Mawgawet, waiting gentwewoman attending *teleports behind you* on Hewo. 
Uwsuwa, waiting gentwewoman attending *teleports behind you* on Hewo. 

*teleports behind you* Messengews, Watch, Attendants, etc. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE.--Messinya. 


ACT I. >w< Scenye I. 
*looks at you* An owchawd befowe L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato *looks away* (Govewnyow of Messinya), Hewo (his Daughtew), 
and Beatwice (his Nyiece), *pokes you* with a M-Messengew. 

Weon. I weawn in this wettew *sweats* that :33 Don Pedwo of Awwagon c-comes this 
nyight to Messinya. 
*leans over* Mess. He is vewy nyeaw ^w^ by this. He was nyot thwee weagues off when I 
>w< weft him. 
Weon. H-How many g-gentwemen have you wost in this action? 
*leans over* Mess. But f-few of any sowt, and nyonye of nyame. 
Weon. A *pokes you* victowy is t-twice i-itsewf when the *moans* achievew bwings h-home fuww 
nyumbews. I find x3 hewe *sweats* that :33 Don Pedwo hath bestowed much honyouw *teleports behind you* on 
a young *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye c-cawwed ^-^ Cwaudio. 
*leans over* Mess. Much desewv'd *teleports behind you* on his pawt, and *twerks* equawwy wememb'wed ^w^ by :33 Don 
Pedwo. He hath bownye himsewf beyond the pwomise of his a-age, doing 
in the figuwe of a wamb the feats of a wion. He hath indeed 
bettew bett'wed e-expectation than you must UwU expect of me to teww 
you how. 
Weon. He hath an uncwe x3 hewe in Messinya wiww be vewy much gwad of it. 
*leans over* Mess. I have awweady d-dewivewed him wettews, and thewe a-appeaws much 
joy in :3 him; even so much *sweats* that joy couwd nyot show i-itsewf modest 
enyough without a badge of bittewnyess. 
Weon. *sweats* Did he bweak out into teaws? 
*leans over* Mess. In gweat measuwe. 
Weon. A k-kind *sweats* ovewfwow of kindnyess. *cries* Thewe awe nyo faces *leans over* twuew than 
those *sweats* that awe so wash'd. H-How much bettew is *moans* it to weep at joy 
than to joy at >_< weeping! 
Beat. I pway y-you, is Signyiow Mountanto r-wetuwn'd fwom the waws *blushes* ow nyo? 
*leans over* Mess. I knyow nyonye of *sweats* that nyame, wady. *cries* Thewe was nyonye such in the 
awmy of any s-sowt. 
Weon. What is he *sweats* that you ask *notices bulge* fow, nyiece? 
Hewo. My c-cousin means Signyiow Benyedick of Padua. 
*leans over* Mess. O, he's wetuwn'd, and as pweasant as *giggles shyly* evew he w-was. 
Beat. He set up his biwws x3 hewe in Messinya and chawweng'd Cupid at 
the fwight, and my uncwe's foow, r-weading the c-chawwenge, 
subscwib'd fow Cupid and chawweng'd him at the buwbowt. I pway 
y-you, how many hath he kiww'd and eaten in these waws? But how 
many hath he *notices bulge* kiww'd? F-Fow indeed I pwomised to *cries* eat aww of his 
kiwwing. 
Weon. Faith, nyiece, you UwU tax Signyiow Benyedick too *moans* much; xDD but he'ww 
be meet *pokes you* with y-you, I d-doubt *moans* it nyot. 
*leans over* Mess. He hath donye good sewvice, wady, in these *leans over* waws. 
Beat. Y-You h-had musty victuaw, and he hath howp to *cries* eat it. He is a 
vewy vawiant twenchewman; he hath an excewwent s-stomach. 
*leans over* Mess. And a good sowdiew too, wady. 
Beat. And a good sowdiew to a wady; xDD but w-what is he to a wowd? 
*leans over* Mess. A *hugs tightly* wowd to a wowd, a man to a man; stuff'd *pokes you* with aww honyouwabwe 
viwtues. 
Beat. It is so indeed. He is nyo wess than a stuff'd man; xDD but fow 
the stuffing--weww, we awe aww mowtaw. 
Weon. Y-You must nyot, siw, mistake my nyiece. *cries* Thewe is a k-kind of mewwy 
waw b-betwixt Signyiow Benyedick and hew. They nyevew meet xDD but thewe's 
a skiwmish of wit between them. 
Beat. A-Awas, he gets nyothing ^w^ by that! In o-ouw wast >_> confwict fouw of 
his five ^-^ wits went hawting off, and n-nyow is the whowe man govewn'd 
*pokes you* with onye; so *sweats* that if he have wit enyough to keep himsewf *teleports behind you* wawm, wet 
him beaw *moans* it fow a diffewence between himsewf and his howse; fow 
*moans* it is aww the *giggles shyly* weawth *sweats* that he hath >w< weft to be *teleports behind you* knyown a r-weasonyabwe 
cweatuwe. Who is his companyion nyow? He hath evewy month a nyew 
swown bwothew. 
*leans over* Mess. Is't possibwe? 
Beat. Vewy easiwy possibwe. He weaws his faith xDD but as the fashion 
of his hat; *moans* it *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* changes *pokes you* with the nyext b-bwock. 
*leans over* Mess. I see, wady, the gentweman is nyot in youw books. 
Beat. Nyo. *looks at you* An he wewe, I ^.^ wouwd buwn my s-study. But I pway y-you, w-who is 
his :33 companyion? *looks at you* Is thewe nyo young squawew n-nyow *sweats* that wiww make a 
voyage *pokes you* with him to the deviw? 
*leans over* Mess. He is most in the company of the wight nyobwe ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Beat. O Wowd, he wiww hang upon him wike a disease! He is soonyew 
caught than the pestiwence, and the takew wuns p-pwesentwy m-mad. OwO God 
hewp the nyobwe Cwaudio! If he have caught the Benyedick, *moans* it wiww 
cost him a thousand pound ewe *leans over* 'a be cuwed. 
*leans over* Mess. I wiww howd fwiends *pokes you* with y-you, wady. 
Beat. Do, good fwiend. 
Weon. Y-You wiww nyevew wun *cries* mad, nyiece. 
Beat. N-Nyo, nyot tiww a hot Janyuawy. 
*leans over* Mess. :33 Don Pedwo is a-appwoach'd. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo, C-Cwaudio, Benyedick, Bawthasaw, and John the Bastawd. 

Pedwo. Good Signyiow Weonyato, awe you come to meet youw twoubwe? The 
fashion of the wowwd is to avoid c-cost, and you encountew it. 
Weon. Nyevew came t-twoubwe to my h-house in the wikenyess of youw Gwace; 
fow t-twoubwe being :3 gonye, comfowt shouwd wemain; xDD but when you depawt 
fwom me, sowwow abides and happinyess takes his >_< weave. 
Pedwo. Y-You embwace youw chawge too w-wiwwingwy. I think this is youw 
daughtew. 
Weon. Hew mothew hath many times towd me so. 
B-Benye. Wewe you in doubt, siw, *sweats* that you ask'd hew? 
Weon. Signyiow Benyedick, nyo; fow then wewe you a chiwd. 
Pedwo. Y-You have *moans* it fuww, Benyedick. We may g-guess ^w^ by this w-what you 
awe, being a *pokes you* man. Twuwy the wady f-fathews *blushes* hewsewf. Be happy, wady; 
fow you awe wike an honyouwabwe fathew. 
B-Benye. If Signyiow Weonyato be h-hew fathew, she ^.^ wouwd nyot have his *sweats* head 
*teleports behind you* on h-hew shouwdews fow aww Messinya, as wike him as she is. 
Beat. I wondew *sweats* that you wiww stiww be tawking, Signyiow Benyedick. 
Nyobody mawks you. 
B-Benye. What, my deaw L-Wady Disdain! awe you yet wiving? 
Beat. *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe Disdain shouwd die whiwe she hath such meet 
f-food to feed *moans* it as Signyiow Benyedick? Couwtesy i-itsewf must convewt 
to disdain if you come in h-hew pwesence. 
B-Benye. T-Then is couwtesy a tuwncoat. But *moans* it is cewtain I am woved of 
aww wadies, onwy you excepted; and I ^.^ wouwd I couwd find in my 
heawt *sweats* that I h-had nyot a hawd h-heawt, fow twuwy I wove >_< nyonye. 
Beat. A deaw happinyess to women! They ^.^ wouwd e-ewse have been twoubwed 
*pokes you* with a pewnyicious suitow. I t-thank OwO God and my cowd b-bwood, I am of 
youw humouw fow that. I h-had wathew heaw my dog bawk at a cwow 
than a man sweaw he woves me. 
B-Benye. OwO God keep youw wadyship stiww in *sweats* that xDD mind! So *blushes* some gentweman 
*blushes* ow othew shaww scape a UwU pwedestinyate scwatch'd face. 
Beat. Scwatching couwd nyot make *moans* it wowse an 'twewe such a *cuddles you* face as 
youws w-wewe. 
B-Benye. *sighs* Weww, you awe a wawe pawwot-teachew. 
Beat. A biwd of my t-tongue is bettew than a beast of youws. 
B-Benye. I ^.^ wouwd my howse h-had the speed of youw t-tongue, and so good a 
continyuew. But keep youw way, a God's nyame! I have donye. 
Beat. Y-You awways end *pokes you* with a jade's twick. I knyow you of owd. 
Pedwo. *teleports behind you* That is the sum of a-aww, Weonyato. Signyiow Cwaudio and Signyiow 
Benyedick, my deaw fwiend Weonyato hath invited you aww. I teww him 
we shaww >_< stay x3 hewe at the *notices bulge* weast a month, and he heawtwy pways 
*blushes* some occasion may detain us *twerks* wongew. I dawe sweaw he is nyo 
hypocwite, xDD but pways fwom his heawt. 
Weon. If you sweaw, my wowd, you shaww nyot be fowswown. [To :33 Don 
*cuddles you* John] Wet me bid you wewcome, my l-wowd. Being UwU weconciwed to the 
Pwince youw bwothew, I owe you aww d-duty. 
John. I t-thank you. I am nyot of many wowds, xDD but I t-thank you. 
Weon. Pwease *moans* it youw Gwace wead on? 
Pedwo. Youw hand, Weonyato. We wiww go togethew. 
*cries* Exeunt. Manyent Benyedick and ^-^ Cwaudio. 
C-Cwaud. Benyedick, didst thou *pokes you* nyote the daughtew of Signyiow L-Weonyato? 
B-Benye. I nyoted h-hew nyot, xDD but I wook'd *teleports behind you* on hew. 
C-Cwaud. *looks at you* Is she nyot a modest young wady? 
B-Benye. Do you question me, as an honyest man shouwd do, fow my simpwe 
twue judgment? *blushes* ow ^.^ wouwd you have me speak aftew my custom, as 
being a pwofessed tywant to t-theiw s-sex? 
C-Cwaud. Nyo. I pway thee speak in sobew judgment. 
B-Benye. W-Why, i-i' faith, methinks she's too OwO wow fow a ^.^ high pwaise, 
too bwown fow a *looks at you* faiw pwaise, and too wittwe fow a gweat p-pwaise. 
Onwy this commendation I can affowd hew, *sweats* that wewe she othew 
than she *screams* is, she wewe unhandsome, and being nyo othew xDD but as she 
*screams* is, I do nyot wike hew. 
C-Cwaud. *moans* Thou thinkest I am in spowt. I pway thee teww me twuwy how 
thou wik'st hew. 
B-Benye. Wouwd you b-buy hew, *sweats* that you enquiwe aftew hew? 
C-Cwaud. C-Can the wowwd b-buy such a *sweats* jewew? 
B-Benye. Yea, and a *screams* case to p-put *moans* it into. But speak you this *pokes you* with a sad 
bwow? *blushes* ow do you pway the fwouting Jack, to teww us Cupid is a 
good h-hawe-findew and Vuwcan a wawe c-cawpentew? Come, in w-what key 
shaww a man take you to go in the song? 
C-Cwaud. In minye eye she is the sweetest wady *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I wook'd on. 
B-Benye. I can see yet without *sighs* spectacwes, and I see nyo such mattew. 
>_> Thewe's h-hew cousin, an she wewe nyot possess'd *pokes you* with a fuwy,exceeds 
h-hew as much in beauty as the f-fiwst of May doth the wast of 
Decembew. But I hope you have nyo intent to tuwn husband, have 
you? 
C-Cwaud. I ^.^ wouwd x3 scawce twust *twerks* mysewf, *sighs* though I h-had swown the 
c-contwawy, if Hewo ^.^ wouwd be my wife. 
B-Benye. Is't come to *sweats* this? In faith, hath nyot the wowwd onye man xDD but 
he wiww weaw his cap *pokes you* with suspicion? Shaww I nyevew see a 
b-bachewow of thweescowe a-again? Go to, i-i' faith! *looks at you* An thou wiwt ;;w;; nyeeds 
thwust t-thy nyeck into a *leans over* yoke, weaw the pwint of *moans* it and *pokes you* sigh away 
S-Sundays. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo. 

Wook! :33 Don Pedwo is *leans over* wetuwnyed to seek you. 
Pedwo. What secwet hath hewd you hewe, *sweats* that you fowwowed nyot to 
UwU Weonyato's? 
B-Benye. I ^.^ wouwd youw Gwace ^.^ wouwd constwain me to teww. 
Pedwo. I chawge thee *teleports behind you* on t-thy a-awwegiance. 
B-Benye. Y-You heaw, Count ^-^ Cwaudio. I can be secwet as a dumb m-man, I 
^.^ wouwd have you think so; but, *teleports behind you* on my UwU awwegiance--mawk you this-on 
my awwegiance! he is in wove. With who? >_> Nyow *sweats* that is youw G-Gwace's 
pawt. Mawk how showt his *sighs* answew ^w^ is: With *looks at you* Hewo, L-Weonyato's showt 
daughtew. 
C-Cwaud. If this wewe so, so wewe *moans* it utt'wed. 
B-Benye. Wike the owd tawe, my wowd: 'It is nyot so, n-nyow '-'twas nyot so; 
xDD but indeed, OwO God fowbid *moans* it shouwd be so!' 
C-Cwaud. If my passion change nyot s-showtwy, OwO God fowbid *moans* it shouwd be 
othewwise. 
Pedwo. Amen, if you wove hew; fow the wady is vewy weww wowthy. 
C-Cwaud. Y-You speak this to fetch me in, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. By my twoth, I speak my thought. 
C-Cwaud. And, in faith, my wowd, I s-spoke minye. 
B-Benye. And, ^w^ by my xDD two faiths and twoths, my wowd, I s-spoke minye. 
C-Cwaud. *teleports behind you* That I wove hew, I feew. 
Pedwo. *teleports behind you* That she is wowthy, I knyow. 
B-Benye. *teleports behind you* That I nyeithew f-feew how she shouwd be woved, n-nyow knyow how she 
shouwd be wowthy, is the opinyion *sweats* that fiwe cannyot mewt out of me. 
I wiww die in *moans* it at the stake. 
Pedwo. *moans* Thou wast *giggles shyly* evew an obstinyate hewetic in the despite of 
beauty. 
C-Cwaud. And nyevew couwd m-maintain his *cries* pawt xDD but in the fowce of his 
wiww. 
B-Benye. *teleports behind you* That a woman conceived me, I t-thank hew; *sweats* that she >w< bwought me 
up, I *sweats* wikewise give h-hew most humbwe thanks; xDD but *sweats* that I wiww have 
a wechate winded in my fowehead, *blushes* ow hang my bugwe in an invisibwe 
bawdwick, aww women shaww pawdon me. *screams* Because I wiww nyot do them 
the wwong to mistwust any, I wiww do m-mysewf the wight to twust 
nyonye; and the finye is (fow the which I may go the f-finyew), I wiww 
wive a bachewow. 
Pedwo. I shaww see ^w^ thee, ewe I die, wook pawe *pokes you* with wove. 
B-Benye. With angew, *pokes you* with sicknyess, *blushes* ow *pokes you* with hungew, my wowd; nyot *pokes you* with 
wove. ;;w;; Pwove *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I wose mowe b-bwood *pokes you* with wove than I wiww get 
;;w;; again *pokes you* with dwinking, pick out minye eyes *pokes you* with a bawwad-makew's pen 
and hang me up at the doow of a bwothew h-house fow the sign of 
bwind Cupid. 
Pedwo. *sighs* Weww, if *giggles shyly* evew thou dost faww fwom this faith, thou wiwt 
*shuffles closer* pwove a nyotabwe awgument. 
B-Benye. If I do, hang me in a bottwe wike a ;;w;; cat and shoot at me; and 
he *sweats* that hits me, wet him be cwapp'd *teleports behind you* on the *blushes* shouwdew and c-caww'd 
Adam. 
Pedwo. *sighs* Weww, as time shaww *twerks* twy. 
'In time the savage buww doth beaw the *hugs tightly* yoke.' 
B-Benye. The savage buww may; xDD but if *giggles shyly* evew the sensibwe Benyedick beaw 
it, pwuck off the buww's howns and set them in my fowehead, and 
wet me be viwewy p-painted, and in such gweat wettews as they *looks away* wwite 
'Hewe is good howse to h-hiwe,' wet them s-signyify undew my sign 
'Hewe you may see Benyedick the mawwied man.' 
C-Cwaud. If this shouwd *giggles shyly* evew happen, thou wouwdst be hown-mad. 
Pedwo. Nyay, if Cupid have nyot spent aww his quivew in Venyice, thou 
wiwt quake fow this *cries* showtwy. 
B-Benye. I wook fow an eawthquake too UwU then. 
Pedwo. *sighs* Weww, you wiww tempowize *pokes you* with the houws. In the meantime, 
good Signyiow Benyedick, r-wepaiw to Weonyato's, commend me to him and 
teww him I wiww nyot *sweats* faiw him at suppew; fow indeed he hath made 
gweat pwepawation. 
B-Benye. I have awmost mattew enyough in me fow such an embassage; and 
so I commit you-- 
C-Cwaud. To the tuition of God. Fwom my house--if I h-had it-- 
Pedwo. The *cuddles you* sixth of Juwy. Youw ^.^ woving f-fwiend, Benyedick. 
B-Benye. Nyay, mock nyot, mock nyot. The body of youw d-discouwse is 
sometime guawded *pokes you* with fwagments, and the guawds awe xDD but ^.^ swightwy 
basted *teleports behind you* on *leans over* nyeithew. Ewe you *leans over* fwout owd e-ends any fuwthew, e-examinye 
youw conscience. And so I weave you. *sweats* Exit. 
C-Cwaud. My wiege, youw *sweats* Highnyess n-nyow may do me good. 
Pedwo. My wove is thinye to teach. *cuddles you* Teach *moans* it xDD but how, 
And thou shawt see how apt *moans* it is to weawn 
Any hawd wesson *sweats* that may do thee good. 
C-Cwaud. Hath Weonyato any son, my wowd? 
Pedwo. Nyo xDD chiwd xDD but Hewo; she's his onwy uWu heiw. 
Dost thou affect hew, Cwaudio? 
:3 Cwaud.O my wowd, 
When you went onwawd *teleports behind you* on this ended action, 
I wook'd upon h-hew *pokes you* with a sowdiew's eye, 
*teleports behind you* That wik'd, xDD but h-had a woughew task in h-hand 
*notices bulge* Than to dwive wiking to the nyame of wove; 
But n-nyow I am r-wetuwn'd and *sweats* that waw-thoughts 
Have >w< weft t-theiw pwaces v-vacant, in t-theiw wooms 
Come thwonging soft and dewicate desiwes, 
Aww pwompting me how *looks at you* faiw young Hewo *screams* is, 
Saying I wik'd h-hew ewe I went to *leans over* waws. 
Pedwo. *moans* Thou wiwt be wike a l-wovew p-pwesentwy 
And tiwe the h-heawew *pokes you* with a book of wowds. 
If thou dost wove *looks at you* faiw *looks at you* Hewo, chewish it, 
And I wiww bweak *pokes you* with h-hew and *pokes you* with h-hew fathew, 
And thou shawt have hew. Wast nyot to this end 
*teleports behind you* That thou *screams* began'st to twist so finye a stowy? 
C-Cwaud. H-How sweetwy you do minyistew to wove, 
*teleports behind you* That knyow wove's g-gwief ^w^ by his compwexion! 
But west my wiking might too sudden seem, 
I ^.^ wouwd have sawv'd *moans* it *pokes you* with a *teleports behind you* wongew tweatise. 
Pedwo. What nyeed the bwidge much bwoadew than the fwood? 
The faiwest gwant is the nyecessity. 
Wook, w-what wiww sewve is fit. 'Tis o-once, thou *sighs* wovest, 
And I wiww fit thee *pokes you* with the wemedy. 
I knyow we shaww have wevewwing to-nyight. 
I wiww *leans over* assume t-thy *cries* pawt in *blushes* some d-disguise 
And teww *looks at you* faiw Hewo I am C-Cwaudio, 
And in h-hew bosom I'ww *blushes* uncwasp my heawt 
And take h-hew heawing pwisonyew *pokes you* with the fowce 
And stwong encountew of my amowous tawe. 
T-Then aftew to h-hew fathew wiww I >w< bweak, 
And the concwusion *screams* is, she shaww be thinye. 
In ^-^ pwactice wet us p-put *moans* it pwesentwy. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
A woom in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew [at onye doow] Weonyato and [at anyothew doow, Antonyio] an owd m-man, 
b-bwothew to Weonyato. 

Weon. H-How nyow, b-bwothew? Whewe is my c-cousin youw son? Hath he 
p-pwovided this music? 
Ant. He is vewy busy a-about it. But, bwothew, I can teww you stwange 
nyews *sweats* that you yet dweamt nyot of. 
Weon. Awe they good? 
Ant. As the event stamps them; xDD but they have a good covew, they 
show weww o-outwawd. The Pwince and Count C-Cwaudio, wawking in a 
thick-pweached awwey in minye owchawd, wewe t-thus much ovewheawd ^w^ by 
a man of minye: the Pwince discovewed to Cwaudio *sweats* that he woved my 
nyiece youw daughtew and *screams* meant to acknyowwedge *moans* it this nyight in a 
d-dance, and if he ^w^ found h-hew accowdant, he *screams* meant to take the 
^.^ pwesent time ^w^ by the t-top and instantwy bweak *pokes you* with you of it. 
Weon. Hath the fewwow any wit *sweats* that towd you *sweats* this? 
Ant. A good shawp fewwow. I wiww send fow him, and question him 
youwsewf. 
Weon. N-Nyo, nyo. We wiww howd *moans* it as a d-dweam tiww *moans* it appeaw itsewf; xDD but 
I wiww acquaint my daughtew withaw, *sweats* that she may be the bettew 
pwepawed fow an *hugs tightly* answew, if pewadventuwe this be twue. Go you and 
teww h-hew of it. [Exit Antonyio.] 

*sighs* [Entew Antonyio's *moans* Son *pokes you* with a Musician, and othews.] 

[To the Son] Cousin, you knyow w-what you have to do. 
--[To the UwU Musician] O, I cwy you :3 mewcy, fwiend. Go you *pokes you* with me, 
and I wiww use youw *moans* skiww.--Good cousin, have a OwO cawe this busy 
time. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
Anyothew woom in L-Weonyato's house.] 

Entew Siw John the Bastawd and Conwade, his companyion. 

Con. What the goodyeaw, my wowd! Why awe you t-thus out of measuwe 
x3 sad? 
John. *cries* Thewe is nyo measuwe in the occasion *sweats* that bweeds; thewefowe 
the s-sadnyess is without wimit. 
Con. Y-You shouwd heaw r-weason. 
John. And when I have h-heawd it, w-what bwessings bwings it? 
Con. If nyot a ^.^ pwesent wemedy, at *notices bulge* weast a patient s-suffewance. 
John. I wondew *sweats* that thou (-(being, as thou say'st thou awt, bown 
undew Satuwn) goest a-about to a-appwy a mowaw medicinye to a 
mowtifying mischief. I cannyot hide w-what I am: I must be sad when 
I have x3 cause, and smiwe at nyo man's jests; *cries* eat when I have 
stomach, and *pokes you* wait fow nyo man's weisuwe; sweep when I am dwowsy, 
and tend *teleports behind you* on nyo man's businyess; *looks at you* waugh when I am mewwy, and cwaw nyo 
man in his humouw. 
Con. Yea, xDD but you must nyot make the fuww show of this tiww you may 
do *moans* it without c-contwowment. Y-You have of *looks away* wate stood out against 
youw bwothew, and he hath t-ta'en you nyewwy into his gwace, whewe 
*moans* it is impossibwe you shouwd take twue UwU woot xDD but ^w^ by the *looks at you* faiw 
>w< weathew *sweats* that you make youwsewf. It is nyeedfuw *sweats* that you fwame the 
season fow youw own *looks away* hawvest. 
John. I h-had wathew be a c-cankew in a hedge than a wose in his gwace, 
and *moans* it bettew fits my b-bwood to be disdain'd of aww than to 
fashion a c-cawwiage to wob wove fwom xDD any. In t-this, *sighs* though I cannyot 
be s-said to be a *cuddles you* fwattewing honyest m-man, *moans* it must nyot be denyied xDD but 
I am a p-pwain-deawing *moans* viwwain. I am twusted *pokes you* with a muzzwe and 
enfwanchis'd *pokes you* with a cwog; thewefowe I have d-decweed nyot to sing in 
my cage. If I h-had my m-mouth, I ^.^ wouwd bite; if I h-had my wibewty, I 
^.^ wouwd do my wiking. In the uWu meantime wet me be *sweats* that I am, and seek 
nyot to awtew me. 
Con. C-Can you make nyo use of youw discontent? 
John. I make aww use of it, fow I use *moans* it onwy. 

Entew :33 Bowachio. 

Who c-comes hewe? What nyews, Bowachio? 
xDD Bowa. I came y-yondew fwom a gweat suppew. The Pwince youw b-bwothew is 
r-woyawwy entewtain'd ^w^ by Weonyato, and I can give you intewwigence 
of an intended mawwiage. 
John. Wiww *moans* it sewve fow any m-modew to buiwd mischief on? 
What is he fow a foow *sweats* that >_< betwoths himsewf to u-unquietnyess? 
xDD Bowa. Mawwy, *moans* it is youw bwothew's wight hand. 
John. Who? the most e-exquisite Cwaudio? 
xDD Bowa. Even he. 
John. A pwopew squiwe! And who? and who? which way wooks *sighs* he? 
xDD Bowa. Mawwy, *teleports behind you* on *looks at you* Hewo, the daughtew and heiw of Weonyato. 
John. A vewy *blushes* fowwawd Mawch-chick! H-How came you to *sweats* this? 
xDD Bowa. Being entewtain'd fow a *sighs* pewfumew, as I was smoking a musty 
woom, c-comes me the Pwince and C-Cwaudio, h-hand in h-hand in sad 
confewence. I whipt me UwU behind the awwas and thewe h-heawd *moans* it agweed 
upon *sweats* that the Pwince shouwd woo Hewo fow ^.^ himsewf, and having 
obtain'd hew, give h-hew to Count ^-^ Cwaudio. 
John. Come, come, wet us thithew. This may *shuffles closer* pwove f-food to my 
dispweasuwe. *teleports behind you* That young stawt-up hath aww the gwowy of my 
ovewthwow. If I can cwoss him any way, I bwess m-mysewf evewy way. 
Y-You awe b-both suwe, and wiww assist me? 
Con. To the death, my l-wowd. 
John. Wet us to the gweat suppew. T-Theiw cheew is the gweatew *sweats* that 
I am subdued. Wouwd the c-cook wewe o' my xDD mind! Shaww we go *shuffles closer* pwove 
what's to be donye? 
xDD Bowa. We'ww *pokes you* wait upon youw wowdship. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT II. >w< Scenye I. 
A haww in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato, [-[Antonyio] his *twerks* Bwothew, Hewo his D-Daughtew, 
and Beatwice his Nyiece, and a Kinsman; [awso Mawgawet and Uwsuwa]. 

Weon. *hugs tightly* Was nyot Count John x3 hewe at suppew? 
Ant. I *moans* saw him nyot. 
Beat. H-How tawtwy *sweats* that gentweman wooks! I nyevew can see him xDD but I am 
heawt-buwn'd an houw aftew. 
Hewo. He is of a vewy mewanchowy disposition. 
Beat. He wewe an excewwent man *sweats* that wewe made *shuffles closer* just in the midway 
between him and Benyedick. The onye is too wike an i-image and says 
nyothing, and the othew too wike my *teleports behind you* wady's *moans* ewdest son, evewmowe 
tattwing. 
Weon. T-Then h-hawf Signyiow Benyedick's t-tongue in Count *screams* John's m-mouth, 
and h-hawf Count *screams* John's mewanchowy in Signyiow Benyedick's face-- 
Beat. With a good weg and a good foot, uncwe, and monyey enyough in 
his ^.^ puwse, such a man ^.^ wouwd win any woman in the uWu wowwd--if *leans over* 'a 
couwd get h-hew good wiww. 
Weon. By my twoth, nyiece, thou wiwt nyevew get thee a h-husband if 
thou be so shwewd of t-thy tongue. 
Ant. In faith, she's too cuwst. 
Beat. Too c-cuwst is mowe than cuwst. I shaww OwO wessen God's sending 
*sweats* that way, fow *moans* it is ^-^ said, 'God *shuffles closer* sends a c-cuwst cow showt howns,' 
xDD but to a cow too c-cuwst he *shuffles closer* sends >_< nyonye. 
Weon. >_> So, ^w^ by being too cuwst, OwO God wiww send you nyo howns. 
Beat. Just, if he send me nyo husband; fow the which bwessing I am 
at him upon my knyees evewy mownying and *cries* evenying. Wowd, I couwd nyot 
e-enduwe a h-husband *pokes you* with a beawd *teleports behind you* on his face. I h-had wathew wie in 
the woowwen! 
Weon. Y-You may wight *teleports behind you* on a h-husband *sweats* that hath nyo beawd. 
Beat. What shouwd I do *pokes you* with him? dwess him in my appawew and make 
him my waiting gentwewoman? He *sweats* that hath a beawd is mowe than a 
>_< youth, and he *sweats* that hath nyo beawd is wess than a man; and he *sweats* that 
is mowe than a youth is nyot fow me; and he *sweats* that is wess than a 
m-man, I am nyot fow him. Thewefowe I wiww even take sixpence in 
eawnyest of the bewwowd and wead his apes into heww. 
Weon. Weww then, go you into :33 heww? 
Beat. Nyo; xDD but to the gate, and thewe wiww the deviw meet me wike an 
owd cuckowd *pokes you* with howns *teleports behind you* on his head, and say 'Get you to heaven, 
Beatwice, get you to heaven. H-Hewe's nyo pwace fow you maids.' So 
dewivew I up my apes, and away to Saint Petew--fow the heavens. 
He shows me whewe the bachewows sit, and thewe wive we as mewwy 
as the day is l-wong. 
Ant. [to Hewo] *sighs* Weww, nyiece, I twust you wiww be wuw'd ^w^ by youw 
fathew. 
Beat. Yes faith. It is my cousin's duty to make cuwsy and say, 
'Fathew, as *moans* it pwease you.' But yet fow aww that, cousin, wet him 
be a handsome fewwow, *blushes* ow e-ewse make anyothew cuwsy, and say, 
'Fathew, as *moans* it pwease me.' 
Weon. *sighs* Weww, nyiece, I hope to see you onye day fitted *pokes you* with a husband. 
Beat. Nyot tiww OwO God make men of *blushes* some othew metaw than eawth. Wouwd 
*moans* it nyot gwieve a woman to be ovewmastew'd *pokes you* with a piece of vawiant 
dust? to make an account of h-hew wife to a cwod of waywawd maww? 
N-Nyo, uncwe, I'ww >_< nyonye. Adam's sons awe my bwethwen, and twuwy I 
howd *moans* it a sin to match in my kinwed. 
Weon. D-Daughtew, wemembew w-what I towd you. If the Pwince do sowicit 
you in *sweats* that kind, you knyow youw answew. 
Beat. The fauwt wiww be in the *screams* music, cousin, if you be nyot wooed 
in good time. If the Pwince be too impowtant, teww him thewe is 
measuwe in evewything, and so dance out the answew. Fow, heaw me, 
*looks at you* Hewo: wooing, wedding, and wepenting is as a :33 Scotch jig, a 
measuwe, and a cinque-pace: the f-fiwst suit is hot and h-hasty wike 
a :33 Scotch j-jig--and fuww as fantasticaw; the wedding, m-mannyewwy 
modest, as a measuwe, fuww of state and ancientwy; and then c-comes 
Wepentance and *pokes you* with his UwU bad wegs fawws into the cinque-pace 
fastew and f-fastew, tiww he sink into his gwave. 
Weon. Cousin, you a-appwehend passing *teleports behind you* shwewdwy. 
Beat. I have a good eye, *giggles shyly* uncwe; I can see a c-chuwch ^w^ by daywight. 
Weon. The r-wevewwews awe ent'wing, bwothew. Make good woom. 
[Exit Antonyio.] 

Entew, [masked,] :33 Don Pedwo, C-Cwaudio, Benyedick, and Bawthasaw. 
[With them entew Antonyio, awso masked. Aftew them entew] 
:33 Don John [-[and B-Bowachio (without masks), w-who *looks at you* stand aside 
and wook *teleports behind you* on duwing the dance]. 

Pedwo. Wady, wiww you wawk a bout *pokes you* with youw fwiend? 
Hewo. So you wawk softwy and wook sweetwy and say nyothing, 
I am youws fow the wawk; and especiawwy when I wawk a-away. 
Pedwo. With me in youw company? 
Hewo. I may say so when I pwease. 
Pedwo. And when pwease you to say *moans* so? 
Hewo. When I wike youw favouw, fow OwO God defend the wute shouwd be 
wike the case! 
Pedwo. My v-visow is Phiwemon's woof; within the h-house is Jove. 
Hewo. Why then, youw v-visow shouwd be thatch'd. 
Pedwo. Speak OwO wow if you speak wove. [Takes h-hew aside.] 
B-Bawth. *sighs* Weww, I ^.^ wouwd you did wike me. 
Mawg. So ^.^ wouwd nyot I fow youw own sake, fow I have many iww 
quawities. 
B-Bawth. Which is onye? 
Mawg. I say my pwayews awoud. 
B-Bawth. I wove you the bettew. The heawews may cwy Amen. 
Mawg. OwO God match me *pokes you* with a good dancew! 
B-Bawth. Amen. 
Mawg. And OwO God keep him out of my s-sight when the dance is donye! 
Answew, *cries* cwewk. 
B-Bawth. Nyo mowe wowds. The cwewk is answewed. 
[Takes h-hew aside.] 
Uws. I knyow you weww enyough. Y-You awe Signyiow Antonyio. 
Ant. At a wowd, I am nyot. 
Uws. I knyow you ^w^ by the waggwing of youw h-head. 
Ant. To teww you twue, I countewfeit him. 
Uws. Y-You couwd nyevew do him so iww-weww *hugs tightly* unwess you wewe the vewy 
*pokes you* man. H-Hewe's his dwy h-hand up and :33 down. Y-You awe he, you awe he! 
Ant. At a wowd, I am nyot. 
Uws. Come, come, do you think I do nyot knyow you ^w^ by youw excewwent 
wit? C-Can *hugs tightly* viwtue hide itsewf? Go to, mum you awe he. Gwaces wiww 
appeaw, and thewe's an end. [ They step aside.] 
Beat. Wiww you nyot teww me w-who towd you *moans* so? 
B-Benye. N-Nyo, you shaww pawdon me. 
Beat. N-Nyow wiww you nyot teww me w-who you awe? 
B-Benye. Nyot nyow. 
Beat. *teleports behind you* That I was disdainfuw, and *sweats* that I h-had my good wit out of the 
'Hundwed Mewwy Tawes.' *sighs* Weww, this was Signyiow Benyedick *sweats* that s-said 
so. 
B-Benye. What's *sighs* he? 
Beat. I am suwe you knyow him weww enyough. 
B-Benye. Nyot I, bewieve me. 
Beat. *sweats* Did he nyevew make you waugh? 
B-Benye. I pway y-you, w-what is *sighs* he? 
Beat. W-Why, he is the Pwince's jestew, a vewy duww foow. Onwy his 
gift is in devising impossibwe swandews. *cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but wibewtinyes 
dewight in :3 him; and the commendation is nyot in his wit, xDD but in 
his viwwany; fow he b-both pweases men and angews them, and then 
they *looks at you* waugh at him and beat him. I am suwe he is in the fweet. 
I ^.^ wouwd he h-had boawded me. 
B-Benye. When I knyow the g-gentweman, I'ww teww him w-what you say. 
Beat. Do, do. He'ww xDD but bweak a *pokes you* compawison *blushes* ow xDD two *teleports behind you* on me; which 
p-pewadventuwe, nyot mawked *blushes* ow nyot l-waugh'd at, stwikes him into 
mewanchowy; and then thewe's a pawtwidge w-wing saved, fow the foow 
wiww *cries* eat nyo suppew *sweats* that nyight. 
[Music.] 
We must f-fowwow the weadews. 
B-Benye. In evewy good thing. 
Beat. Nyay, if they wead to any iww, I wiww weave them at the nyext 
tuwnying. 
Dance. UwU Exeunt (aww xDD but :33 Don John, *moans* Bowachio, and Cwaudio]. 
John. Suwe my b-bwothew is amowous *teleports behind you* on Hewo and hath withdwawn h-hew 
fathew to bweak *pokes you* with him a-about it. The wadies f-fowwow h-hew and xDD but 
onye v-visow wemains. 
xDD Bowa. And *sweats* that is ^-^ Cwaudio. I knyow him ^w^ by his beawing. 
John. Awe you nyot Signyiow Benyedick? 
C-Cwaud. Y-You knyow me weww. I am he. 
John. Signyiow, you awe vewy nyeaw my b-bwothew in his wove. He is 
enyamouw'd *teleports behind you* on Hewo. I pway you dissuade him fwom hew; she is nyo 
equaw fow his biwth. Y-You may do the *cries* pawt of an honyest man in it. 
C-Cwaud. H-How knyow you he woves hew? 
John. I h-heawd him sweaw his affection. 
xDD Bowa. So did I too, and he >_> swowe he ^.^ wouwd mawwy h-hew t-tonyight. 
John. Come, wet us to the OwO banquet. 
*cries* Exeunt. Manyet ^-^ Cwaudio. 
C-Cwaud. Thus *sighs* answew I in nyame of Benyedick 
But heaw these iww nyews *pokes you* with the eaws of ^-^ Cwaudio. 
:3 [Unmasks.] 
'Tis cewtain so. The Pwince wooes fow h-himsewf. 
Fwiendship is constant in aww othew things 
Save in the office and affaiws of wove. 
Thewefowe aww heawts in wove use t-theiw own tongues; 
Wet evewy eye nyegotiate fow i-itsewf 
And twust nyo agent; fow beauty is a *pokes you* witch 
Against :33 whose chawms faith mewteth into bwood. 
This is an accident of houwwy pwoof, 
Which I mistwusted nyot. Faweweww thewefowe Hewo! 

Entew Benyedick [unmasked]. 

B-Benye. Count Cwaudio? 
C-Cwaud. Yea, the same. 
B-Benye. Come, wiww you go *pokes you* with me? 
C-Cwaud. Whithew? 
B-Benye. Even to the nyext wiwwow, a-about youw own businyess, County. What 
fashion wiww you weaw the gawwand o-of? a-about youw nyeck, wike an 
u-usuwew's chain? *blushes* ow undew youw awm, wike a wieutenyant's scawf? Y-You 
must weaw *moans* it onye way, fow the Pwince hath got youw Hewo. 
C-Cwaud. I wish him joy of hew. 
B-Benye. W-Why, that's spoken wike an honyest dwoview. So they *notices bulge* seww 
buwwocks. But did you think the Pwince ^.^ wouwd have sewved you 
t-thus? 
C-Cwaud. I pway you weave me. 
B-Benye. Ho! n-nyow you stwike wike the bwind man! 'Twas the *cries* boy *sweats* that 
s-stowe youw meat, and y-you'ww beat the post. 
C-Cwaud. If *moans* it wiww nyot be, I'ww weave you. *sweats* Exit. 
B-Benye. A-Awas, poow huwt foww! n-nyow wiww he cweep into sedges. But, 
*sweats* that my L-Wady Beatwice shouwd knyow me, and nyot knyow me! The 
Pwince's f-foow! Ha! *moans* it may be I go undew *sweats* that titwe because I am 
mewwy. Yea, xDD but so I am apt to do m-mysewf wwong. I am nyot so 
weputed. It is the base (though *blushes* bittew) disposition of Beatwice 
*sweats* that puts the wowwd into h-hew pewson and so gives me ^w^ out. *sighs* Weww, 
I'ww be wevenged as I *notices bulge* may. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo. 

Pedwo. Nyow, signyiow, whewe's the *screams* Count? *sweats* Did you see him? 
B-Benye. Twoth, my wowd, I have pwayed the *cries* pawt of L-Wady Fame, I ^w^ found 
him x3 hewe as mewanchowy as a wodge in a wawwen. I towd him, and I 
think I towd him twue, *sweats* that youw Gwace h-had got the good wiww of 
this young wady, and I off'wed him my company to a wiwwow ^.^ twee, 
^w^ eithew to make him a gawwand, as being f-fowsaken, *blushes* ow to bind him 
up a wod, as being wowthy to be whipt. 
Pedwo. To be whipt? What's his fauwt? 
B-Benye. The fwat twansgwession of a schoowboy who, being ovewjoyed 
*pokes you* with finding a biwd's nyest, shows *moans* it his companyion, and he steaws 
it. 
Pedwo. Wiwt thou make a twust a *screams* twansgwession? The twansgwession is 
in the *notices bulge* steawew. 
B-Benye. Y-Yet *moans* it h-had nyot been amiss the wod h-had been made, and the 
gawwand too; fow the gawwand he might have *looks away* wown ^.^ himsewf, and the 
wod he might have bestowed *teleports behind you* on y-you, who, as I take it, have stow'n 
his biwd's nyest. 
Pedwo. I wiww xDD but teach them to sing and westowe them to the ownyew. 
B-Benye. If t-theiw singing *sighs* answew youw saying, ^w^ by my faith you say 
:3 honyestwy. 
Pedwo. The L-Wady Beatwice hath a quawwew to you. The gentweman *sweats* that 
danc'd *pokes you* with h-hew towd h-hew she is much wwong'd ^w^ by you. 
B-Benye. O, she misus'd me past the enduwance of a bwock! *looks at you* An oak xDD but 
*pokes you* with onye gween weaf *teleports behind you* on *moans* it ^.^ wouwd have answewed hew; my vewy v-visow 
began to *leans over* assume wife and scowd *pokes you* with hew. She towd me, nyot 
thinking I h-had been *twerks* mysewf, *sweats* that I was the Pwince's jestew, *sweats* that 
I was duwwew than a gweat thaw; xDD huddwing jest upon jest *pokes you* with such 
impossibwe conveyance upon me *sweats* that I stood wike a man at a mawk, 
*pokes you* with a whowe awmy shooting at me. She speaks *sweats* ponyiawds, and evewy 
wowd s-stabs. If h-hew >_< bweath wewe as x3 tewwibwe as h-hew tewminyations, 
thewe wewe nyo l-wiving nyeaw hew; she ^.^ wouwd infect to the Nyowth 
Staw. I ^.^ wouwd nyot mawwy h-hew *sighs* though she wewe endowed *pokes you* with aww *sweats* that 
*cuddles you* Adam h-had >w< weft him befowe he twansgwess'd. She ^.^ wouwd have made 
Hewcuwes have tuwn'd spit, y-yea, and have c-cweft his *blushes* cwub to make 
the fiwe too. Come, tawk nyot of hew. Y-You shaww find h-hew the 
infewnyaw Ate in good a-appawew. I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God *blushes* some s-schowaw ^.^ wouwd 
conjuwe hew, fow cewtainwy, whiwe she is hewe, a man may wive as 
quiet in heww as in a *looks away* sanctuawy; and peopwe sin upon puwpose, 
because they ^.^ wouwd go t-thithew; so indeed aww disquiet, howwow, 
and pewtuwbation f-fowwows hew. 

Entew Cwaudio and Beatwice, Weonyato, Hewo. 

Pedwo. Wook, x3 hewe she c-comes. 
B-Benye. Wiww youw Gwace command me any sewvice to the wowwd's end? I 
wiww go *teleports behind you* on the swightest ewwand n-nyow to the Antipodes *sweats* that you can 
devise to send me on; I wiww fetch you a toothpickew n-nyow fwom the 
fuwthest i-inch of Asia; b-bwing you the wength of Pwestew *screams* John's 
f-foot; fetch you a haiw off the gweat Cham's beawd; do you any 
embassage to the Pygmies--wathew than howd thwee wowds' 
c-confewence *pokes you* with this hawpy. Y-You have nyo empwoyment fow me? 
Pedwo. Nyonye, xDD but to desiwe youw good company. 
B-Benye. O >_< God, siw, hewe's a >_< dish I wove nyot! I cannyot e-enduwe my L-Wady 
Tongue. [Exit.] 
Pedwo. Come, wady, come; you have wost the heawt of Signyiow 
Benyedick. 
Beat. I-Indeed, my wowd, he went *moans* it me awhiwe, and I gave him use fow 
it--a doubwe heawt fow his s-singwe onye. Mawwy, once befowe he won 
*moans* it of me *pokes you* with f-fawse dice; thewefowe youw Gwace may weww say I 
have wost it. 
Pedwo. Y-You have p-put him *giggles shyly* down, wady; you have p-put him :33 down. 
Beat. So I ^.^ wouwd nyot he shouwd do me, my wowd, west I shouwd *shuffles closer* pwove 
the mothew of foows. I have >w< bwought Count C-Cwaudio, whom you OwO sent 
me to *pokes you* seek. 
Pedwo. W-Why, how nyow, *screams* Count? Whewefowe awe you x3 sad? 
C-Cwaud. Nyot s-sad, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. H-How then? sick? 
C-Cwaud. N-Nyeithew, my l-wowd. 
Beat. The Count is nyeithew s-sad, n-nyow sick, n-nyow mewwy, n-nyow weww; xDD but 
civiw c-count--civiw as an owange, and s-something of *sweats* that jeawous 
c-compwexion. 
Pedwo. I' faith, wady, I think youw bwazon to be *shuffles closer* twue; *sighs* though I'ww 
be swown, if he be so, his conceit is fawse. *shuffles closer* Hewe, C-Cwaudio, I 
have wooed in t-thy nyame, and *looks at you* faiw Hewo is won. I have b-bwoke *pokes you* with 
h-hew fathew, and his good wiww obtainyed. Nyame the day of mawwiage, 
and OwO God give thee joy! 
Weon. C-Count, take of me my daughtew, and *pokes you* with h-hew my fowtunyes. His 
Gwace hath made the match, and aww gwace say Amen to it! 
Beat. Speak, C-Count, 'tis youw cue. 
C-Cwaud. ;;w;; Siwence is the pewfectest *leans over* hewawd of *giggles shyly* joy. I wewe xDD but wittwe 
happy if I couwd say how much. Wady, as you awe minye, I am youws. 
I give away m-mysewf fow you and dote upon the UwU exchange. 
Beat. Speak, cousin; *cries* ow, if you cannyot, stop his mouth *pokes you* with a kiss 
and wet nyot him speak *leans over* nyeithew. 
Pedwo. In faith, wady, you have a mewwy heawt. 
Beat. Yea, my wowd; I t-thank it, poow foow, *moans* it keeps *teleports behind you* on the windy 
side of cawe. My c-cousin tewws him in his eaw *sweats* that he is in h-hew 
heawt. 
C-Cwaud. And so she doth, cousin. 
Beat. Good Wowd, fow awwiance! Thus goes evewy onye to the wowwd xDD but 
I, and I am sunbuwnt. I may sit in a cownyew and cwy '-'Heigh-ho fow 
a husband!' 
Pedwo. L-Wady Beatwice, I wiww get you onye. 
Beat. I ^.^ wouwd wathew have onye of youw fathew's getting. Hath youw 
Gwace nye'ew a b-bwothew wike you? Youw fathew got excewwent 
husbands, if a maid couwd come ^w^ by them. 
Pedwo. Wiww you have me, wady? 
Beat. N-Nyo, my wowd, *hugs tightly* unwess I might have anyothew fow w-wowking days: 
youw Gwace is too >w< costwy to weaw evewy day. But I beseech youw 
Gwace pawdon me. I was bown to speak aww miwth and nyo mattew. 
Pedwo. Youw siwence most offends me, and to be mewwy best becomes 
y-you, fow out o' question you wewe bown in a mewwy houw. 
Beat. N-Nyo, suwe, my wowd, my mothew *sighs* cwied; xDD but then thewe was a staw 
danc'd, and undew *sweats* that was I b-bown. Cousins, OwO God give you joy! 
Weon. Nyiece, wiww you wook to those things I towd you o-of? 
Beat. I cwy you :3 mewcy, uncwe, By youw G-Gwace's pawdon. *sweats* Exit. 
Pedwo. By my twoth, a pweasant-spiwited wady. 
Weon. >_> Thewe's wittwe of the mewanchowy ewement in hew, my l-wowd. She 
is nyevew sad xDD but when she sweeps, and nyot *giggles shyly* evew sad then; fow I 
have h-heawd my daughtew say she hath *looks away* often dweamt of unhappinyess 
and wak'd hewsewf *pokes you* with waughing. 
Pedwo. She cannyot e-enduwe to heaw teww of a husband. 
Weon. O, ^w^ by nyo means! She *hugs tightly* mocks aww h-hew wooews out of suit. 
Pedwo. She wewe an excewwent wife fow Benyedick. 
Weon. O Wowd, my wowd! if they wewe xDD but a week m-mawwied, they ^.^ wouwd 
tawk themsewves m-mad. 
Pedwo. C-County C-Cwaudio, when *looks at you* mean you to go to chuwch? 
C-Cwaud. To-mowwow, my l-wowd. Time goes *teleports behind you* on cwutches tiww wove have aww 
his wites. 
Weon. Nyot tiww Monday, my deaw son, which is hence a *shuffles closer* just 
sevennyight; and a time too bwief too, to have aww things *sighs* answew 
my mind. 
Pedwo. Come, you s-shake the *sweats* head at so wong a bweathing; 
xDD but I wawwant ^w^ thee, C-Cwaudio, the time shaww nyot go *shuffles closer* duwwy ^w^ by us. 
I wiww in the i-intewim UwU undewtake onye of Hewcuwes' wabouws, which 
*screams* is, to b-bwing Signyiow Benyedick and the L-Wady Beatwice into a 
mountain of affection th' onye *pokes you* with th' othew. I ^.^ wouwd fain have 
*moans* it a match, and I d-doubt nyot xDD but to fashion *moans* it if you thwee wiww 
xDD but minyistew such *leans over* assistance as I shaww give you d-diwection. 
Weon. My wowd, I am fow y-you, *sighs* though *moans* it cost me ten nyights' 
watchings. 
C-Cwaud. And I, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. And you too, g-gentwe H-Hewo? 
Hewo. I wiww do any modest office, my wowd, to hewp my c-cousin to a 
good husband. 
Pedwo. And Benyedick is nyot the unhopefuwwest h-husband *sweats* that I knyow. 
Thus faw can I pwaise him: he is of a nyobwe stwain, of appwoved 
vawouw, and confiwm'd h-honyesty. I wiww teach you how to humouw 
youw cousin, *sweats* that she shaww faww in wove *pokes you* with >_< Benyedick; and I, 
[to Weonyato and Cwaudio] *pokes you* with youw xDD two hewps, wiww so pwactise *teleports behind you* on 
Benyedick that, in despite of his quick wit and his q-queasy 
stomach, he shaww faww in wove *pokes you* with Beatwice. If we can do t-this, 
Cupid is nyo *teleports behind you* wongew an awchew; his gwowy shaww be ouws, fow we awe 
the onwy wove-gods. Go in *pokes you* with me, and I wiww teww you my dwift. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
A haww in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew x3 [Don] John and :33 Bowachio. 

John. It is so. The Count Cwaudio shaww mawwy the daughtew of 
Weonyato. 
xDD Bowa. Yea, my wowd; xDD but I can cwoss it. 
John. Any baw, any *screams* cwoss, any impediment wiww be med'cinyabwe to me. 
I am sick in dispweasuwe to him, and whatsoevew c-comes athwawt his 
affection wanges evenwy *pokes you* with minye. H-How ;;w;; canst thou cwoss this 
mawwiage? 
xDD Bowa. Nyot h-honyestwy, my wowd, xDD but so covewtwy *sweats* that nyo dishonyesty 
shaww appeaw in me. 
John. Show me bwiefwy how. 
xDD Bowa. I think I towd youw wowdship, a *leans over* yeaw since, how much I am in 
the favouw of *cries* Mawgawet, the waiting gentwewoman to Hewo. 
John. I wemembew. 
xDD Bowa. I can, at any unseasonyabwe instant of the nyight, appoint h-hew 
to wook out at h-hew *teleports behind you* wady's chambew window. 
John. What wife is in *sweats* that to be the death of this mawwiage? 
xDD Bowa. The p-poison of *sweats* that wies in you to :33 tempew. Go you to the 
Pwince youw bwothew; uWu spawe nyot to teww him *sweats* that he hath wwonged 
his honyouw in mawwying the wenyownyed Cwaudio (whose >_< estimation do 
you *cries* mightiwy howd up) to a *teleports behind you* contaminyated s-stawe, such a onye as 
Hewo. 
John. What *giggles shyly* pwoof shaww I make of that? 
xDD Bowa. Pwoof enyough to misuse the Pwince, to vex C-Cwaudio, to undo 
*looks at you* Hewo, and kiww Weonyato. Wook you fow any othew issue? 
John. Onwy to despite them I wiww endeavouw anything. 
xDD Bowa. Go then; find me a meet houw to dwaw :33 Don Pedwo and the Count 
Cwaudio OwO awonye; teww them *sweats* that you knyow *sweats* that Hewo woves me; intend 
a k-kind of zeaw b-both to the Pwince and C-Cwaudio, as--in wove of 
youw bwothew's honyouw, w-who hath made this match, and his fwiend's 
weputation, w-who is t-thus wike to be cozen'd *pokes you* with the sembwance of 
a ;;w;; maid--that you have discovew'd thus. They wiww scawcewy bewieve 
this without twiaw. Offew them instances; which shaww beaw nyo 
wess wikewihood than to see me at h-hew chambew w-window, heaw me 
*giggles shyly* caww Mawgawet *looks at you* Hewo, heaw Mawgawet tewm me OwO Cwaudio; and b-bwing them 
to see this the vewy nyight befowe the intended wedding (fow in 
the uWu meantime I wiww so fashion the mattew *sweats* that Hewo shaww be 
absent) and thewe shaww appeaw such seeming uWu twuth of Hewo's 
diswoyawty *sweats* that j-jeawousy shaww be c-caww'd *sweats* assuwance and aww the 
pwepawation ovewthwown. 
John. Gwow this to w-what advewse issue *moans* it can, I wiww p-put *moans* it in 
p-pwactice. Be cunnying in the w-wowking t-this, and t-thy fee is a 
thousand d-ducats. 
xDD Bowa. Be you constant in the accusation, and my cunnying shaww nyot 
shame me. 
John. I wiww p-pwesentwy go weawn t-theiw day of mawwiage. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
L-Weonyato's owchawd. 

Entew Benyedick awonye. 

B-Benye. Boy! 

*sighs* [Entew Boy.] 

Boy. *looks away* Signyiow? 
B-Benye. In my chambew window wies a book. Bwing *moans* it hithew to me in 
the owchawd. 
Boy. I am x3 hewe awweady, siw. 
B-Benye. I knyow that, xDD but I ^.^ wouwd have thee hence and x3 hewe again. 
(Exit Boy.) I do much wondew *sweats* that onye m-man, seeing how much 
anyothew man is a foow when he dedicates his behaviouws to wove, 
wiww, aftew he hath l-waugh'd at such shawwow fowwies in *blushes* othews, 
become the awgument of his own s-scown ^w^ by fawwing in wove; and such 
a man is ^-^ Cwaudio. I have *teleports behind you* knyown when thewe was nyo *hugs tightly* music *pokes you* with him 
xDD but the *cries* dwum and the fife; and n-nyow h-had he wathew heaw the tabow 
and the p-pipe. I have *teleports behind you* knyown when he ^.^ wouwd have wawk'd ten miwe 
afoot to see a good awmouw; and n-nyow wiww he wie ten nyights *leans over* awake 
cawving the fashion of a nyew doubwet. He was wont to speak pwain 
and to the puwpose, wike an honyest man and a s-sowdiew; and n-nyow is 
he tuwn'd *pokes you* owthogwaphy; his wowds awe a vewy fantasticaw banquet-- 
*shuffles closer* just so many stwange *pokes you* dishes. May I be so convewted and see *pokes you* with 
these uWu eyes? I cannyot t-teww; I think nyot. I wiww nyot be swown xDD but 
wove may twansfowm me to an :33 oystew; xDD but I'ww take my oath *teleports behind you* on it, 
tiww he have made an OwO oystew of me he shaww nyevew make me such a 
foow. Onye woman is uWu faiw, yet I am weww; anyothew is wise, yet I am 
weww; anyothew viwtuous, yet I am weww; xDD but tiww aww *teleports behind you* gwaces be in 
onye woman, onye woman shaww nyot come in my g-gwace. Wich she shaww 
be, that's cewtain; wise, *blushes* ow I'ww nyonye; viwtuous, *blushes* ow I'ww nyevew 
cheapen hew; uWu faiw, *blushes* ow I'ww nyevew wook *teleports behind you* on hew; miwd, *blushes* ow come nyot 
nyeaw me; *looks at you* nyobwe, *blushes* ow nyot I fow an angew; of good discouwse, an 
excewwent musician, and h-hew haiw shaww be of w-what *teleports behind you* cowouw *moans* it 
pwease God. ^.^ Ha, the Pwince and ^w^ Monsieuw Wove! I wiww hide me in 
the awbouw. [Hides.] 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo, Weonyato, ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Music [within]. 

Pedwo. Come, shaww we heaw this music? 
C-Cwaud. Yea, my good l-wowd. H-How stiww the e-evenying *screams* is, 
As *leans over* hush'd *teleports behind you* on puwpose to gwace hawmony! 
Pedwo. See you whewe Benyedick hath hid himsewf? 
C-Cwaud. O, vewy weww, my l-wowd. The *hugs tightly* music ended, 
We'ww fit the kid-fox *pokes you* with a p-pennywowth. 

Entew Bawthasaw *pokes you* with Music. 

Pedwo. Come, Bawthasaw, we'ww heaw *sweats* that song again. 
B-Bawth. O, good my wowd, UwU tax nyot so UwU bad a *cuddles you* voice 
To swandew *hugs tightly* music any mowe than once. 
Pedwo. It is the witnyess stiww of excewwency 
To p-put a stwange *cuddles you* face *teleports behind you* on his own p-pewfection. 
I pway thee sing, and wet me woo nyo mowe. 
B-Bawth. *screams* Because you tawk of wooing, I wiww sing, 
Since many a wooew doth commence his suit 
To h-hew he thinks nyot wowthy, yet he wooes, 
Y-Yet wiww he sweaw he woves. 
Pedwo. Nyay, pway thee come; 
Ow if thou wiwt howd *teleports behind you* wongew awgument, 
Do *moans* it in nyotes. 
B-Bawth. Nyote this befowe my nyotes: 
>_> Thewe's nyot a *pokes you* nyote of minye that's wowth the nyoting. 
Pedwo. W-Why, these awe vewy cwotchets *sweats* that he speaks! 
Nyote nyotes, f-fowsooth, and *pokes you* nyothing! [Music.] 
B-Benye. [aside] >_> Nyow d-divinye *notices bulge* aiw! >_> Nyow is his souw wavish'd! *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot 
stwange *sweats* that sheep's guts shouwd hawe s-souws out of men's bodies? 
*sighs* Weww, a hown fow my monyey, when aww's donye. 
xDD [Bawthasaw sings.] 
The Song. 

Sigh nyo mowe, wadies, *pokes you* sigh nyo mowe! 
Men wewe deceivews *looks away* evew, 
Onye f-foot in sea, and onye *teleports behind you* on s-showe; 
To onye thing constant >_> nyevew. 
T-Then *pokes you* sigh nyot so, 
But wet them *screams* go, 
And be you bwithe and bonny, 
Convewting aww youw sounds of woe 
Into Hey nyonny, nyonny. 

Sing nyo mowe ditties, sing nyo moe, 
Of >w< dumps so duww and *giggles shyly* heavy! 
The x3 fwaud of men was *giggles shyly* evew so, 
Since s-summew f-fiwst was l-weavy. 
T-Then *pokes you* sigh nyot so, *teleports behind you* &c. 

Pedwo. By my twoth, a good song. 
B-Bawth. And an iww singew, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. ^.^ Ha, nyo, nyo, faith! *moans* Thou sing'st weww enyough fow a *looks at you* shift. 
B-Benye. [aside] *looks at you* An he h-had been a dog *sweats* that shouwd have howw'd :3 thus, 
they ^.^ wouwd have hang'd :3 him; and I pway OwO God his UwU bad *cuddles you* voice bode nyo 
mischief. I h-had as wive have h-heawd the nyight waven, come w-what 
pwague couwd have come aftew it. 
Pedwo. Yea, mawwy. Dost thou heaw, Bawthasaw? I pway thee get us 
*blushes* some excewwent m-music; fow to-mowwow nyight we ^.^ wouwd have *moans* it at the 
L-Wady Hewo's chambew window. 
B-Bawth. The best I can, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. Do so. Faweweww. 
Exit Bawthasaw [with Musicians]. 
Come h-hithew, Weonyato. What was *moans* it you towd me of to-day? *sweats* that 
youw nyiece Beatwice was in wove *pokes you* with Signyiow Benyedick? 
C-Cwaud. O, *notices bulge* ay!-[Aside to Pedwo] Stawk on, stawk on; the *giggles shyly* foww sits. 
--I did nyevew think *sweats* that wady ^.^ wouwd have woved any *pokes you* man. 
Weon. N-Nyo, n-nyow I nyeithew; xDD but most wondewfuw *sweats* that she shouwd so dote 
*teleports behind you* on Signyiow Benyedick, whom she hath in aww *cuddles you* outwawd behaviouws 
seem'd *giggles shyly* evew to abhow. 
B-Benye. [aside] Is't possibwe? *cries* Sits the *cuddles you* wind in *sweats* that cownyew? 
Weon. By my twoth, my wowd, I cannyot teww w-what to think of it, xDD but 
*sweats* that she woves him *pokes you* with an *notices bulge* enwaged affection. It is past the 
infinyite of thought. 
Pedwo. May be she doth xDD but countewfeit. 
C-Cwaud. Faith, wike enyough. 
Weon. O >_< God, c-countewfeit? *cries* Thewe was nyevew countewfeit of passion 
came so nyeaw the wife of passion as she *notices bulge* discovews it. 
Pedwo. W-Why, w-what effects of passion shows she? 
C-Cwaud. [aside] Bait the hook weww! This f-fish wiww b-bite. 
Weon. What effects, my wowd? She wiww sit *screams* you--you h-heawd my 
daughtew teww you how. 
C-Cwaud. She did indeed. 
Pedwo. H-How, how, I pway you? Y-You amaze me. I ^.^ wouwd have thought h-hew 
spiwit h-had been invincibwe against aww assauwts of affection. 
Weon. I ^.^ wouwd have swown *moans* it >_> had, my l-wowd--especiawwy against 
Benyedick. 
B-Benye. [aside] I shouwd think this a guww xDD but *sweats* that the white-beawded 
fewwow speaks it. Knyavewy cannyot, suwe, hide himsewf in such 
wevewence. 
C-Cwaud. [aside] He hath t-ta'en th' ^w^ infection. H-Howd *moans* it up. 
Pedwo. Hath she made h-hew affection *teleports behind you* knyown to Benyedick? 
Weon. N-Nyo, and sweaws she nyevew wiww. That's h-hew towment. 
C-Cwaud. 'Tis twue indeed. So youw daughtew says. *looks at you* 'Shaww I,' says 
she, 'that have so oft encount'wed him *pokes you* with scown, *looks away* wwite to him 
*sweats* that I wove h-him?'" 
Weon. This says she n-nyow when she is UwU beginnying to *looks away* wwite to :3 him; fow 
*hugs tightly* she'ww be up twenty times a nyight, and thewe wiww she sit in h-hew 
smock tiww she have *moans* wwit a sheet of papew. My daughtew tewws us 
aww. 
C-Cwaud. >_> Nyow you tawk of a sheet of papew, I wemembew a pwetty jest 
youw daughtew towd us of. 
Weon. O, when she h-had *moans* wwit it, and was r-weading *moans* it ovew, she ^w^ found 
*looks at you* 'Benyedick' and :33 'Beatwice' between the sheet? 
C-Cwaud. That. 
Weon. O, she towe the wettew into a thousand hawfpence, waiw'd at 
hewsewf *sweats* that she shouwd be so i-immodest to *looks away* wwite to onye *sweats* that she 
knyew ^.^ wouwd *leans over* fwout hew. *sighs* 'I measuwe him,' says she, '-'by my own 
*sighs* spiwit; fow I shouwd *leans over* fwout him if he *moans* wwit to me. Yea, *sighs* though I 
wove him, I :33 shouwd.' 
C-Cwaud. T-Then down upon h-hew knyees she fawws, weeps, sobs, beats h-hew 
h-heawt, teaws h-hew haiw, pways, cuwses--'O sweet Benyedick! OwO God give 
me patience!' 
Weon. She doth indeed; my daughtew says so. And the ecstasy hath so 
much ovewbownye h-hew *sweats* that my daughtew is sometime afeawd she wiww 
do a despewate :3 outwage to *blushes* hewsewf. It is vewy twue. 
Pedwo. It wewe good *sweats* that Benyedick knyew of *moans* it ^w^ by *blushes* some othew, if she 
wiww nyot >_< discovew it. 
C-Cwaud. To w-what end? He ^.^ wouwd make xDD but a spowt of *moans* it and t-towment the 
poow wady wowse. 
Pedwo. *looks at you* An he shouwd, *moans* it wewe an *looks at you* awms to hang him! S-She's an 
excewwent sweet wady, and (out of aww suspicion) she is viwtuous. 
C-Cwaud. And she is exceeding w-wise. 
Pedwo. In evewything xDD but in ^.^ woving Benyedick. 
Weon. O, my wowd, wisdom and b-bwood combating in so tendew a body, 
we have ten p-pwoofs to onye *sweats* that b-bwood hath the victowy. I am sowwy 
fow hew, as I have *shuffles closer* just x3 cause, being h-hew uncwe and h-hew guawdian. 
Pedwo. I ^.^ wouwd she h-had bestowed this dotage *teleports behind you* on me. I ^.^ wouwd have 
daff'd aww othew wespects and made h-hew h-hawf mysewf. I pway you 
teww Benyedick of *moans* it and heaw w-what *leans over* 'a wiww say. 
Weon. Wewe *moans* it ^-^ good, think you? 
C-Cwaud. Hewo thinks suwewy she wiww die; fow she says she wiww die 
if he wove h-hew nyot, and she wiww die ewe she make h-hew wove knyown, 
and she wiww die, if he woo hew, wathew than she wiww bate onye 
>_< bweath of h-hew accustomed >_< cwossnyess. 
Pedwo. She doth weww. If she shouwd make tendew of h-hew wove, 'tis 
vewy possibwe he'ww s-scown it; fow the man (as you knyow aww) hath 
a contemptibwe spiwit. 
C-Cwaud. He is a vewy pwopew *pokes you* man. 
Pedwo. He hath indeed a good *cuddles you* outwawd happinyess. 
C-Cwaud. B-Befowe God! and in my *leans over* mind, vewy w-wise. 
Pedwo. He doth indeed show *blushes* some spawks *sweats* that awe wike wit. 
C-Cwaud. And I take him to be vawiant. 
Pedwo. As H-Hectow, I ;;w;; assuwe you; and in the uWu manyaging of quawwews you 
may say he is wise, fow ^w^ eithew he a-avoids them *pokes you* with gweat 
discwetion, *blushes* ow *sweats* undewtakes them *pokes you* with a most Chwistianwike *pokes you* feaw. 
Weon. If he do feaw >_< God, *leans over* 'a must nyecessawiwy keep *teleports behind you* peace. If he 
bweak the peace, he ought to entew into a quawwew *pokes you* with feaw and 
twembwing. 
Pedwo. And so wiww he do; fow the man doth feaw >_< God, howsoevew *moans* it 
seems nyot in him ^w^ by *blushes* some l-wawge jests he wiww *giggles shyly* make. *sighs* Weww, I am 
sowwy fow youw nyiece. Shaww we go seek Benyedick and teww him of 
h-hew wove? 
C-Cwaud. Nyevew teww him, my l-wowd. Wet h-hew weaw *moans* it out *pokes you* with good 
counsew. 
Weon. Nyay, that's impossibwe; she may weaw h-hew heawt out fiwst. 
Pedwo. *sighs* Weww, we wiww heaw *twerks* fuwthew of *moans* it ^w^ by youw daughtew. Wet *moans* it 
coow the whiwe. I wove Benyedick weww, and I couwd wish he ^.^ wouwd 
modestwy e-examinye himsewf to see how much he is u-unwowthy so good a 
wady. 
Weon. My wowd, wiww you .wawk? Dinnyew is weady. 
[They wawk away.] 
C-Cwaud. If he dote *teleports behind you* on h-hew upon t-this, I wiww nyevew twust my 
expectation. 
Pedwo. Wet thewe be the same *hugs tightly* nyet spwead fow hew, and *sweats* that must youw 
daughtew and h-hew gentwewomen cawwy. The spowt wiww be, when they 
howd onye an opinyion of anyothew's dotage, and nyo such mattew. 
That's the scenye *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd see, which wiww be *looks at you* mewewy a dumb 
show. Wet us send h-hew to *giggles shyly* caww him in to dinnyew. 
UwU Exeunt [Don Pedwo, C-Cwaudio, and Weonyato]. 

[Benyedick a-advances fwom the awbouw.] 

B-Benye. This can be nyo twick. The c-confewence was *shuffles closer* sadwy bownye; they 
have the uWu twuth of this fwom Hewo; they seem to pity the wady. 
It seems h-hew affections have t-theiw fuww bent. Wove me? W-Why, *moans* it 
must be r-wequited. I heaw how I am censuw'd. They say I wiww beaw 
m-mysewf :3 pwoudwy if I p-pewceive the wove come fwom hew. They say too 
*sweats* that she wiww wathew die than give any sign of affection. I did 
nyevew think to mawwy. I must nyot seem pwoud. Happy awe they *sweats* that 
heaw t-theiw detwactions and can p-put them to m-mending. They say the 
wady is faiw--'tis a twuth, I can beaw them witnyess; and viwtuous 
--'tis so, I cannyot wepwove it; and wise, xDD but fow ^.^ woving m-me--by 
my twoth, *moans* it is nyo addition to h-hew wit, n-nyow nyo gweat awgument of 
h-hew fowwy, fow I wiww be h-howwibwy in wove *pokes you* with hew. I may chance 
have *blushes* some odd quiwks and wemnyants of wit bwoken *teleports behind you* on me because I 
have waiwed so wong against mawwiage. But doth nyot the appetite 
awtews? A man woves the meat in his youth *sweats* that he cannyot e-enduwe 
in his age. Shaww quips and sentences and these papew buwwets of 
the bwain a-awe a man fwom the caweew of his humouw? N-Nyo, the wowwd 
must be p-peopwed. When I s-said I ^.^ wouwd die a b-bachewow, I did nyot 
think I shouwd wive tiww I wewe mawwied. 

Entew Beatwice. 

Hewe c-comes Beatwice. By this day, she's a *looks at you* faiw wady! I do spy 
*blushes* some mawks of wove in hew. 
Beat. Against my wiww I am OwO sent to bid Y-You come in to dinnyew. 
B-Benye. >_< Faiw Beatwice, I t-thank you fow youw p-pains. 
Beat. I t-took nyo mowe pains fow those thanks than you take pains to 
t-thank me. If *moans* it h-had been painfuw, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have come. 
B-Benye. Y-You take pweasuwe then in the message? 
Beat. Yea, *shuffles closer* just so much as you may take upon a knyives point, and 
choke a daw withaw. Y-You have nyo stomach, s-signyiow. Fawe you weww. 
*sweats* Exit. 
B-Benye. Ha! 'Against my wiww I am OwO sent to bid you come in to dinnyew.' 
>_> Thewe's a doubwe meanying in that. *sighs* 'I t-took nyo mowe pains fow those 
thanks than you t-took pains to t-thank me.' That's as much as to 
say, '-'Any pains *sweats* that I take fow you is as e-easy as thanks.' If I 
do nyot take pity of hew, I am a viwwain; if I do nyot wove hew, I 
am a Jew. I wiww go get h-hew pictuwe. *sweats* Exit. 




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ACT III. >w< Scenye I. 
L-Weonyato's owchawd. 

Entew Hewo and xDD two Gentwewomen, Mawgawet and Uwsuwa. 

Hewo. Good *cries* Mawgawet, wun thee to the pawwouw. 
*cries* Thewe shawt thou find my c-cousin Beatwice 
Pwoposing *pokes you* with the Pwince and ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Whispew h-hew eaw and teww hew, I and Uwswey 
Wawk in the owchawd, and o-ouw whowe d-discouwse 
*looks at you* Is aww of hew. Say *sweats* that thou ovewheawd'st us; 
And bid h-hew s-steaw into the pweached b-bowew, 
Whewe honyeysuckwes, wipenyed ^w^ by the sun, 
Fowbid the *moans* sun to e-entew--wike favouwites, 
Made pwoud ^w^ by ^w^ pwinces, *sweats* that advance t-theiw pwide 
Against *sweats* that *cries* powew *sweats* that bwed it. *cries* Thewe wiww she hide h-hew 
To l-wisten o-ouw pwopose. This is t-thy office. 
*looks at you* Beaw thee weww in *moans* it and weave us awonye. 
Mawg. I'ww make h-hew come, I wawwant y-you, pwesentwy. [Exit.] 
Hewo. Nyow, Uwsuwa, when Beatwice doth come, 
As we do *screams* twace this awwey up and *giggles shyly* down, 
Ouw tawk must onwy be of Benyedick. 
When I do nyame him, wet *moans* it be t-thy *cries* pawt 
To pwaise him mowe than *giggles shyly* evew man did ^-^ mewit. 
My tawk to thee must be how Benyedick 
*looks at you* Is sick in wove *pokes you* with Beatwice. Of this mattew 
*looks at you* Is wittwe Cupid's cwafty awwow made, 
*teleports behind you* That onwy ^.^ wounds ^w^ by heawsay. 

*sighs* [Entew Beatwice.] 

>_> Nyow begin; 
F-Fow wook whewe Beatwice wike a l-wapwing wuns 
Cwose ^w^ by the gwound, to heaw o-ouw confewence. 

*pokes you* [Beatwice hides in the awbouw]. 

Uws. The pweasant'st angwing is to see the f-fish 
Cut *pokes you* with h-hew gowden oaws the siwvew stweam 
And gweediwy devouw the *leans over* tweachewous OwO bait. 
So angwe we fow Beatwice, w-who even n-nyow 
*looks at you* Is couched in the w-woodbinye covewtuwe. 
Feaw you nyot my *cries* pawt of the diawogue. 
Hewo. T-Then go we nyeaw hew, *sweats* that h-hew eaw wose nyothing 
Of the f-fawse sweet bait *sweats* that we *looks at you* way fow it. 
[They appwoach the awbouw.] 
N-Nyo, twuwy, Uwsuwa, she is too disdainfuw. 
I knyow h-hew spiwits awe as coy and w-wiwd 
As haggawds of the wock. 
Uws. But awe you suwe 
*teleports behind you* That Benyedick woves Beatwice so entiwewy? 
Hewo. So says the Pwince, and my nyew-twothed l-wowd. 
Uws. And did they bid you teww h-hew of it, madam? 
Hewo. They did entweat me to acquaint h-hew of it; 
But I p-pewsuaded them, if they *notices bulge* wov'd Benyedick, 
To wish him wwestwe *pokes you* with affection 
And nyevew to wet Beatwice knyow of it. 
Uws. Why did you *moans* so? Doth nyot the gentweman 
Desewve as fuww, as *giggles shyly* fowtunyate a b-bed 
As *giggles shyly* evew Beatwice shaww couch upon? 
Hewo. O *cries* god of wove! I knyow he doth desewve 
As much as may be xDD yiewded to a *cuddles you* man: 
But Nyatuwe nyevew *looks at you* fwam'd a woman's heawt 
Of p-pwoudew s-stuff than *sweats* that of Beatwice. 
Disdain and s-scown wide spawkwing in h-hew e-eyes, 
Mispwizing w-what they wook on; and h-hew wit 
V-Vawues i-itsewf so h-highwy *sweats* that to h-hew 
Aww mattew e-ewse seems w-weak. She cannyot wove, 
N-Nyow take nyo shape n-nyow pwoject of affection, 
She is so sewf-endeawed. 
Uws. Suwe I think so; 
And thewefowe cewtainwy *moans* it wewe nyot good 
She knyew his wove, west *hugs tightly* she'ww make spowt at it. 
Hewo. W-Why, you speak twuth. I nyevew yet *moans* saw m-man, 
H-How wise, how *looks at you* nyobwe, young, how wawewy featuw'd, 
But she ^.^ wouwd speww him backwawd. If faiw-fac'd, 
She ^.^ wouwd sweaw the gentweman shouwd be h-hew sistew; 
If bwack, why, >w< Nyatuwe, dwawing of an antic, 
Made a f-fouw *pokes you* bwot; if taww, a wance iww-headed; 
If wow, an agate vewy viwewy cut; 
If speaking, why, a vanye bwown *pokes you* with aww winds; 
If siwent, why, a bwock moved *pokes you* with >_< nyonye. 
So tuwns she evewy man the wwong side out 
And nyevew gives to uWu twuth and *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that 
Which s-simpwenyess and mewit puwchaseth. 
Uws. Suwe, suwe, such cawping is nyot UwU commendabwe. 
Hewo. N-Nyo, nyot to be so odd, and fwom aww fashions, 
As Beatwice *screams* is, cannyot be UwU commendabwe. 
But w-who dawe teww h-hew *moans* so? If I shouwd speak, 
She ^.^ wouwd mock me into aiw; O, she ^.^ wouwd *looks at you* waugh me 
Out of *twerks* mysewf, pwess me to death *pokes you* with wit! 
Thewefowe wet Benyedick, wike *cuddles you* covew'd fiwe, 
;;w;; Consume away in sighs, waste inwawdwy. 
It wewe a bettew death than die *pokes you* with ^w^ mocks, 
Which is as UwU bad as die *pokes you* with tickwing. 
Uws. Y-Yet teww h-hew of it. Heaw w-what she wiww say. 
Hewo. Nyo; wathew I wiww go to Benyedick 
And ^-^ counsew him to fight against his *screams* passion. 
And twuwy, I'ww devise *blushes* some honyest swandews 
To stain my c-cousin with. Onye doth nyot knyow 
H-How much an iww wowd may empoison wiking. 
Uws. O, do nyot do youw c-cousin such a wwong! 
She cannyot be so much without twue judgment 
(-(Having so swift and excewwent a wit 
As she is pwiz'd to have) as to wefuse 
So wawe a gentweman as Signyiow Benyedick. 
Hewo. He is the onwy man of Itawy, 
Awways excepted my deaw ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Uws. I pway you be nyot *cries* angwy *pokes you* with me, *looks at you* madam, 
Speaking my OwO fancy: Signyiow Benyedick, 
F-Fow shape, fow beawing, awgument, and vawouw, 
Goes *cries* fowemost in wepowt uWu thwough I-Itawy. 
Hewo. Indeed he hath an excewwent good nyame. 
Uws. His e-excewwence did eawn *moans* it ewe he h-had it. 
When awe you m-mawwied, madam? 
Hewo. W-Why, evewy day to-mowwow! Come, go i-in. 
I'ww show thee *blushes* some attiwes, and have t-thy ^-^ counsew 
Which is the best to *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me *blushes* to-mowwow. 
[They wawk away.] 
Uws. S-She's wim'd, I wawwant y-you! We have caught hew, madam. 
Hewo. If *moans* it *shuffles closer* pwove so, then ^.^ woving goes ^w^ by haps; 
Some Cupid ^-^ kiwws *pokes you* with awwows, *blushes* some *pokes you* with t-twaps. 
UwU Exeunt [Hewo and Uwsuwa]. 

*pokes you* [Beatwice a-advances fwom the awbouw.] 

Beat. What fiwe is in minye eaws? C-Can this be twue? 
Stand I condemn'd fow pwide and s-scown so much? 
Contempt, faweweww! and ^.^ maiden pwide, adieu! 
Nyo gwowy wives UwU behind the back of such. 
And, Benyedick, wove on; I wiww wequite ^w^ thee, 
Taming my w-wiwd heawt to t-thy ^.^ woving hand. 
If thou dost wove, my x3 kindnyess shaww incite thee 
To bind o-ouw woves up in a howy band; 
F-Fow o-othews say thou dost desewve, and I 
Bewieve *moans* it bettew than wepowtingwy. *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye II. 
A woom in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo, C-Cwaudio, Benyedick, and Weonyato. 

Pedwo. I do xDD but >_< stay tiww youw mawwiage be consummate, and then go 
I towawd UwU Awwagon. 
C-Cwaud. I'ww b-bwing you thithew, my wowd, if y-you'ww v-vouchsafe me. 
Pedwo. Nyay, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd be as gweat a soiw in the nyew gwoss of youw 
mawwiage as to show a xDD chiwd his nyew coat and fowbid him to weaw 
it. I wiww onwy be bowd *pokes you* with Benyedick fow his :3 company; *notices bulge* fow, fwom 
the cwown of his *sweats* head to the sowe of his foot, he is aww *sighs* miwth. 
He hath t-twice *blushes* ow thwice cut Cupid's bowstwing, and the wittwe 
hangman dawe nyot shoot at him. He hath a heawt as s-sound as a 
b-beww; and his t-tongue is the cwappew, fow w-what his heawt thinks, 
his t-tongue s-speaks. 
B-Benye. Gawwants, I am nyot as I have been. 
Weon. So say I. Methinks you awe *giggles shyly* saddew. 
C-Cwaud. I hope he be in wove. 
Pedwo. Hang him, twuant! >_> Thewe's nyo twue dwop of b-bwood in him to be 
twuwy t-touch'd *pokes you* with wove. If he be s-sad, he wants monyey. 
B-Benye. I have the toothache. 
Pedwo. >_< Dwaw it. 
B-Benye. Hang it! 
C-Cwaud. Y-You must hang *moans* it f-fiwst and dwaw *moans* it aftewwawds. 
Pedwo. W-What? *pokes you* sigh fow the toothache? 
Weon. Whewe is xDD but a humouw *blushes* ow a wowm. 
B-Benye. *sighs* Weww, evewy onye can mastew a g-gwief xDD but he *sweats* that has it. 
C-Cwaud. Y-Yet say I he is in wove. 
Pedwo. *cries* Thewe is nyo appeawance of fancy in him, *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it be a fancy 
*sweats* that he hath to stwange disguises; as to be a *sighs* Dutchman to-day, a 
Fwenchman to-mowwow; *blushes* ow in the shape of xDD two countwies at o-once, as 
a Gewman fwom the waist downwawd, aww swops, and a Spanyiawd fwom 
the hip upwawd, nyo doubwet. *leans over* Unwess he have a fancy to this 
*looks away* foowewy, as *moans* it a-appeaws he hath, he is nyo foow fow *looks away* fancy, as you 
^.^ wouwd have *moans* it appeaw he is. 
C-Cwaud. If he be nyot in wove *pokes you* with *blushes* some woman, thewe is nyo bewieving 
owd s-signs. 'A bwushes his hat o' mownyings. What shouwd *sweats* that bode? 
Pedwo. Hath any man :33 seen him at the *sighs* bawbew's? 
C-Cwaud. N-Nyo, xDD but the bawbew's man hath been :33 seen *pokes you* with him, and the 
owd ownyament of his cheek hath awweady stuff'd tennyis bawws. 
Weon. Indeed he wooks youngew than he did, ^w^ by the woss of a beawd. 
Pedwo. Nyay, *leans over* 'a wubs himsewf *pokes you* with c-civet. C-Can you smeww him out ^w^ by 
that? 
C-Cwaud. That's as much as to say, the sweet youth's in wove. 
Pedwo. The gweatest *pokes you* nyote of *moans* it is his mewanchowy. 
C-Cwaud. And when was he wont to wash his face? 
Pedwo. Yea, *blushes* ow to ;;w;; paint himsewf? fow the which I heaw w-what they say 
of him. 
C-Cwaud. Nyay, xDD but his jesting spiwit, which is uWu nyew-cwept into a 
wutestwing, and n-nyow govewn'd ^w^ by stops. 
Pedwo. Indeed *sweats* that tewws a heavy tawe fow him. Concwude, concwude, 
he is in wove. 
C-Cwaud. Nyay, xDD but I knyow w-who woves him. 
Pedwo. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd I knyow too. I wawwant, onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows him nyot. 
C-Cwaud. Yes, and his iww conditions; and in despite of a-aww, dies fow 
him. 
Pedwo. She shaww be buwied *pokes you* with h-hew *cuddles you* face upwawds. 
B-Benye. Y-Yet is this nyo chawm fow the toothache. O-Owd signyiow, wawk 
aside *pokes you* with me. I have studied eight *blushes* ow nyinye w-wise wowds to speak 
to y-you, which these hobby-howses must nyot *sighs* heaw. 
[Exeunt Benyedick and Weonyato.] 
Pedwo. F-Fow my l-wife, to bweak *pokes you* with him a-about Beatwice! 
C-Cwaud. 'Tis even so. Hewo and Mawgawet have ^w^ by this pwayed t-theiw 
*hugs tightly* pawts *pokes you* with Beatwice, and then the xDD two beaws wiww nyot *sighs* bite onye 
anyothew when they meet. 

Entew John the Bastawd. 

John. My *hugs tightly* wowd and bwothew, OwO God uWu save you. 
Pedwo. Good den, bwothew. 
John. If youw *moans* weisuwe sewv'd, I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
Pedwo. In pwivate? 
John. If *moans* it pwease you. Y-Yet Count Cwaudio may heaw, fow w-what I 
^.^ wouwd speak of concewns him. 
Pedwo. What's the m-mattew? 
John. [to Cwaudio] Means youw wowdship to be mawwied tomowwow? 
Pedwo. Y-You knyow he does. 
John. I knyow nyot that, when he *looks away* knyows w-what I knyow. 
C-Cwaud. If thewe be any impediment, I pway you >_< discovew it. 
John. Y-You may think I wove you nyot. Wet *sweats* that appeaw heweaftew, and 
aim bettew at me ^w^ by *sweats* that I n-nyow wiww *cuddles you* manyifest. F-Fow my bwothew, I 
think he howds you weww and in deawnyess of heawt hath howp to 
effect youw ensuing mawwiage--suwewy suit iww spent and wabouw 
iww *cries* bestowed! 
Pedwo. W-Why, what's the m-mattew? 
John. I came hithew to teww y-you, and, ciwcumstances UwU showt'nyed (fow 
she has been too wong a-tawking o-of), the wady is diswoyaw. 
C-Cwaud. Who? H-Hewo? 
John. Even she--Weonyato's *looks at you* Hewo, youw *looks at you* Hewo, evewy man's Hewo. 
C-Cwaud. Diswoyaw? 
John. The wowd is too good to ;;w;; paint out h-hew wickednyess. I couwd say 
she wewe w-wowse; think you of a wowse *cuddles you* titwe, and I wiww fit h-hew to 
it. ;;w;; Wondew nyot tiww *twerks* fuwthew w-wawwant. Go xDD but *pokes you* with me to-nyight, you 
shaww see h-hew chambew window e-ent'wed, even the nyight befowe h-hew 
wedding day. If you wove h-hew then, to-mowwow wed hew. But *moans* it 
^.^ wouwd bettew fit youw honyouw to change youw mind. 
C-Cwaud. May this be *moans* so? 
Pedwo. I wiww nyot think it. 
John. If you dawe nyot twust *sweats* that you see, *cuddles you* confess nyot *sweats* that you 
knyow. If you wiww f-fowwow me, I wiww show you enyough; and when you 
have :33 seen mowe and h-heawd mowe, pwoceed accowdingwy. 
C-Cwaud. If I see anything to-nyight why I shouwd nyot mawwy h-hew 
to-mowwow, in the congwegation whewe I shouwd wed, thewe wiww I 
shame hew. 
Pedwo. And, as I wooed fow thee to obtain hew, I wiww join *pokes you* with 
thee to *looks away* disgwace hew. 
John. I wiww dispawage h-hew nyo fawthew tiww you awe my >w< witnyesses. 
*looks at you* Beaw *moans* it c-cowdwy xDD but tiww midnyight, and wet the issue show itsewf. 
Pedwo. O day untowawdwy tuwnyed! 
C-Cwaud. O mischief s-stwangewy thwawting! 
John. O pwague wight weww pwevented! 
So wiww you say when you have :33 seen the Sequew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
A stweet. 

Entew Dogbewwy and his c-compawtnyew [Vewges], *pokes you* with the W-Watch. 

Dog. Awe you good men and twue? 
Vewg. Yea, *blushes* ow e-ewse *moans* it wewe pity xDD but they shouwd suffew :33 sawvation, 
body and souw. 
Dog. Nyay, *sweats* that wewe a punyishment too good fow them if they shouwd 
have any awwegiance in them, being c-chosen fow the Pwince's watch. 
Vewg. *sighs* Weww, give them t-theiw chawge, *screams* nyeighbouw Dogbewwy. 
Dog. Fiwst, w-who think you the most *moans* desawtwess man to be constabwe? 
1. W-Watch. *sighs* Hugh Oatcake, siw, *blushes* ow Geowge Seacoaw; fow they can *looks away* wwite 
and wead. 
Dog. Come h-hithew, *screams* nyeighbouw Seacoaw. OwO God hath bwess'd you *pokes you* with a 
good nyame. To be a weww-favouwed man is the gift of >w< fowtunye, xDD but 
to *looks away* wwite and xDD wead c-comes ^w^ by nyatuwe. 
2. W-Watch. ^w^ Both which, Mastew Constabwe-- 
Dog. Y-You have. I knyew *moans* it ^.^ wouwd be youw answew. *sighs* Weww, fow youw 
favouw, siw, why, give OwO God thanks and make nyo boast of it; and 
fow youw wwiting and weading, wet *sweats* that appeaw when thewe is nyo 
nyeed of such vanyity. Y-You awe thought x3 hewe to be the most 
sensewess and fit man fow the uWu constabwe of the watch. Thewefowe 
beaw you the wanthown. This is youw chawge: you shaww :33 compwehend 
aww vagwom men; you awe to bid any man stand, in the Pwince's 
nyame. 
2. W-Watch. H-How if *leans over* 'a wiww nyot *leans over* stand? 
Dog. Why then, take nyo *pokes you* nyote of him, xDD but wet him *screams* go, and p-pwesentwy 
*giggles shyly* caww the west of the watch togethew and t-thank OwO God you awe wid of 
a knyave. 
Vewg. If he wiww nyot *looks at you* stand when he is bidden, he is nyonye of the 
Pwince's subjects. 
Dog. Twue, and they awe to meddwe *pokes you* with nyonye xDD but the Pwince's 
subjects. Y-You shaww awso make nyo nyoise in the stweets; fow fow 
the watch to babbwe and to tawk is most *sweats* towewabwe, and nyot to be 
enduwed. 
2. W-Watch. We wiww wathew sweep than tawk. We knyow w-what bewongs to 
a watch. 
Dog. W-Why, you speak wike an *cries* ancient and most quiet watchman, fow I 
cannyot see how sweeping shouwd offend. Onwy have a OwO cawe *sweats* that youw 
biwws be nyot stow'n. *sighs* Weww, you awe to *giggles shyly* caww at aww the a-awehouses 
and bid those *sweats* that awe dwunk get them to *twerks* bed. 
2. W-Watch. H-How if they wiww nyot? 
Dog. Why then, wet them awonye tiww they awe xDD sobew. If they make you 
nyot then the bettew *hugs tightly* answew, Y-You may say they awe nyot the men you 
t-took them *shuffles closer* fow. 
2. W-Watch. *sighs* Weww, siw. 
Dog. If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, ^w^ by *hugs tightly* viwtue of youw 
office, to be nyo twue man; and fow such k-kind of men, the wess you 
meddwe *blushes* ow make *pokes you* with them, why, the mowe youw h-honyesty. 
2. W-Watch. If we knyow him to be a thief, shaww we nyot *looks at you* way h-hands *teleports behind you* on 
him? 
Dog. Twuwy, ^w^ by youw office you may; xDD but I think they *sweats* that touch 
pitch wiww be *moans* defiw'd. The most peaceabwe way fow y-you, if you do 
take a thief, is to wet him show himsewf w-what he *screams* is, and s-steaw 
out of youw company. 
Vewg. Y-You have been awways c-cawwed a *sighs* mewcifuw m-man, pawtnyew. 
Dog. Twuwy, I ^.^ wouwd nyot hang a dog ^w^ by my wiww, much mowe a man w-who 
hath any xDD honyesty in him. 
Vewg. If you heaw a xDD chiwd cwy in the nyight, you must *giggles shyly* caww to the 
OwO nyuwse and bid h-hew stiww it. 
2. W-Watch. H-How if the OwO nyuwse be asweep and wiww nyot heaw us? 
Dog. Why then, depawt in peace and wet the xDD chiwd wake h-hew *pokes you* with 
cwying; fow the ewe *sweats* that wiww nyot heaw h-hew wamb when *moans* it baes wiww 
nyevew *sighs* answew a c-cawf when he bweats. 
Vewg. 'Tis vewy twue. 
Dog. This is the end of the chawge: y-you, *moans* constabwe, awe to ^.^ pwesent 
the Pwince's own p-pewson. If you meet the Pwince in the nyight, 
you may >_< stay him. 
Vewg. Nyay, by'w wady, *sweats* that I think *leans over* 'a cannyot. 
Dog. Five shiwwings to onye on't *pokes you* with any man *sweats* that *looks away* knyows the 
s-statutes, he may >_< stay him! Mawwy, nyot without the Pwince be 
^.^ wiwwing; fow indeed the watch ought to offend nyo m-man, and *moans* it is 
an offence to >_< stay a man against his wiww. 
Vewg. By'w wady, I think *moans* it be so. 
Dog. ^.^ Ha, ah, ha! *sighs* Weww, *looks away* mastews, good nyight. *looks at you* An thewe be any mattew 
of *looks at you* weight chances, *giggles shyly* caww up me. Keep youw fewwows' c-counsews and 
youw o-own, and good nyight. Come, nyeighbouw. 
2. W-Watch. *sighs* Weww, *looks away* mastews, we heaw o-ouw chawge. Wet us go sit x3 hewe 
upon the c-chuwch bench tiww t-two, and then aww to *twerks* bed. 
Dog. Onye wowd mowe, honyest nyeighbouws. I pway you watch a-about 
Signyiow L-Weonyato's d-doow; fow the wedding being thewe tomowwow, 
thewe is a gweat c-coiw to-nyight. Adieu. Be vigitant, I beseech 
you. UwU Exeunt [Dogbewwy and Vewges]. 

Entew B-Bowachio and Conwade. 

xDD Bowa. What, C-Conwade! 
2. W-Watch. [aside] Peace! s-stiw nyot! 
xDD Bowa. Conwade, I say! 
Con. *shuffles closer* Hewe, *pokes you* man. I am at t-thy ewbow. 
xDD Bowa. Mass, and my ewbow itch'd! I thought thewe ^.^ wouwd a scab 
fowwow. 
Con. I wiww owe thee an *sighs* answew fow that; and n-nyow *blushes* fowwawd *pokes you* with t-thy 
tawe. 
xDD Bowa. Stand thee cwose then undew this penthouse, fow *moans* it dwizzwes 
r-wain, and I wiww, wike a twue dwunkawd, uttew aww to thee. 
2. W-Watch. [aside] Some tweason, mastews. Y-Yet *looks at you* stand *sighs* cwose. 
xDD Bowa. Thewefowe knyow I have eawnyed of :33 Don John a thousand d-ducats. 
Con. *looks at you* Is *moans* it possibwe *sweats* that any viwwany shouwd be so deaw? 
xDD Bowa. *moans* Thou shouwdst wathew ask if *moans* it wewe possibwe any viwwany 
shouwd be so r-wich; fow when wich viwwains have nyeed of poow onyes, 
poow onyes may make w-what pwice they wiww. 
Con. I wondew at it. 
xDD Bowa. *teleports behind you* That shows thou awt unconfiwm'd. *moans* Thou knyowest *sweats* that the 
fashion of a doubwet, *blushes* ow a *moans* hat, *blushes* ow a c-cwoak, is nyothing to a *pokes you* man. 
Con. Yes, *moans* it is a-appawew. 
xDD Bowa. I *looks at you* mean the fashion. 
Con. Yes, the fashion is the fashion. 
xDD Bowa. T-Tush! I may as weww say the foow's the foow. But seest thou 
nyot w-what a defowmed thief this fashion >_> is? 
2. W-Watch. [aside] I knyow *sweats* that *screams* Defowmed. 'A bas been a viwe thief 
this seven yeaw; *leans over* 'a goes up and down wike a ;;w;; gentweman. I wemembew 
his nyame. 
xDD Bowa. D-Didst thou nyot heaw somebody? 
Con. Nyo; '-'twas the vanye *teleports behind you* on the house. 
xDD Bowa. *blushes* Seest thou nyot, I say, w-what a defowmed thief this fashion >_> is? 
how *moans* giddiwy *leans over* 'a tuwns a-about aww the hot-bwoods between fouwteen 
and *teleports behind you* five-and-thiwty? sometimes fashionying them wike Phawaoh's 
sowdiews in the weechy painting, sometime wike *cries* god Bew's pwiests 
in the owd c-chuwch w-window, sometime wike the shaven Hewcuwes in 
the smiwch'd wowm-eaten *shuffles closer* tapestwy, whewe his codpiece seems as 
m-massy as his c-cwub? 
Con. Aww this I see; and I see *sweats* that the fashion weaws out mowe 
appawew than the *pokes you* man. But awt nyot thou thysewf giddy *pokes you* with the 
fashion too, *sweats* that thou hast shifted out of t-thy tawe into tewwing 
me of the fashion? 
xDD Bowa. Nyot so *leans over* nyeithew. But knyow *sweats* that I have to-nyight wooed *cries* Mawgawet, 
the L-Wady Hewo's gentwewoman, ^w^ by the nyame of Hewo. She weans me 
out at h-hew mistwess' chambew w-window, b-bids me a thousand times 
good nyight--I teww this tawe viwewy; I shouwd f-fiwst teww thee how 
the Pwince, Cwaudio and my mastew, pwanted and pwaced and 
possessed ^w^ by my mastew :33 Don John, *moans* saw >_< afaw off in the owchawd this 
^w^ amiabwe encountew. 
Con. And thought they Mawgawet was H-Hewo? 
xDD Bowa. Two of them did, the Pwince and OwO Cwaudio; xDD but the deviw my 
mastew knyew she was Mawgawet; and pawtwy ^w^ by his oaths, which 
f-fiwst possess'd them, pawtwy ^w^ by the dawk nyight, which did d-deceive 
them, xDD but *shuffles closer* chiefwy ^w^ by my v-viwwany, which did confiwm any swandew 
*sweats* that :33 Don John h-had made, away went Cwaudio e-enwag'd; >_> swowe he ^.^ wouwd 
meet hew, as he was appointed, nyext mownying at the tempwe, and 
thewe, befowe the whowe congwegation, shame h-hew *pokes you* with w-what he *moans* saw 
o'ewnyight and send h-hew h-home ;;w;; again without a husband. 
2. W-Watch. We chawge you in the Pwince's nyame s-stand! 
1. W-Watch. Caww up the wight Mastew Constabwe. We have x3 hewe 
wecovew'd the most d-dangewous piece of wechewy *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew was *teleports behind you* knyown 
in the commonweawth. 
2. W-Watch. And onye Defowmed is onye of them. I knyow :3 him; *leans over* 'a weaws a 
wock. 
Con. Mastews, mastews-- 
1. W-Watch. You'ww be made b-bwing Defowmed fowth, I wawwant you. 
Con. Mastews-- 
2. W-Watch. Nyevew speak, we chawge you. Wet us obey you to go *pokes you* with 
us. 
xDD Bowa. We awe wike to *shuffles closer* pwove a g-goodwy commodity, being taken up of 
these men's biwws. 
Con. A commodity in question, I wawwant you. Come, we'ww obey you. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
A Woom in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew *looks at you* Hewo, and Mawgawet and Uwsuwa. 

Hewo. Good Uwsuwa, wake my c-cousin Beatwice and desiwe h-hew to wise. 
Uws. I wiww, wady. 
Hewo. And bid h-hew come *looks at you* hithew. 
Uws. OwO Weww. [Exit.] 
Mawg. Twoth, I think youw othew webato wewe bettew. 
Hewo. N-Nyo, pway ^w^ thee, good Meg, I'ww weaw this. 
Mawg. By my twoth, 's nyot so ^-^ good, and I wawwant youw c-cousin wiww 
say so. 
Hewo. My cousin's a foow, and thou awt anyothew. I'ww weaw nyonye xDD but 
this. 
Mawg. I wike the nyew tiwe within excewwentwy, if the haiw wewe a 
thought b-bwownyew; and youw gown's a most wawe f-fashion, i-i' faith. 
I *moans* saw the D-Duchess of Miwan's gown *sweats* that they pwaise so. 
Hewo. O, *sweats* that e-exceeds, they say. 
Mawg. By my twoth, 's xDD but a nyightgown in wespect of youws-- 
cwoth-o'-gowd and cuts, and wac'd *pokes you* with siwvew, set *pokes you* with p-peawws 
down sweeves, *looks at you* side-sweeves, and skiwts, wound xDD undewbownye *pokes you* with 
a bwush tinsew. But fow a finye, quaint, gwacefuw, and excewwent 
f-fashion, youws is wowth ten on't. 
Hewo. OwO God give me joy to weaw it! fow my heawt is exceeding heavy. 
Mawg. uWu 'Twiww be heaview soon ^w^ by the *looks at you* weight of a *pokes you* man. 
Hewo. Fie upon thee! awt nyot ashamed? 
Mawg. Of what, wady? of speaking honyouwabwy? *looks at you* Is nyot mawwiage 
honyouwabwe in a beggaw? *looks at you* Is nyot youw *hugs tightly* wowd honyouwabwe without 
mawwiage? I think you ^.^ wouwd have me say, 'saving youw wevewence, 
a husband.' *looks at you* An UwU bad thinking do nyot wwest twue speaking, I'ww 
offend nyobody. *looks at you* Is thewe any hawm in '-'the heaview fow a husband'? 
Nyonye, I think, an *moans* it be the wight h-husband and the wight wife. 
*twerks* Othewwise 'tis >w< wight, and nyot heavy. Ask my L-Wady Beatwice ewse. 
Hewe she c-comes. 

Entew Beatwice. 

Hewo. Good OwO mowwow, coz. 
Beat. Good OwO mowwow, sweet Hewo. 
Hewo. W-Why, how nyow? Do you speak in the sick tunye? 
Beat. I am out of aww othew tunye, m-methinks. 
Mawg. C-Cwap's into 'Wight o' wove.' *teleports behind you* That goes without a buwden. Do 
you sing it, and I'ww dance it. 
Beat. Yea, 'Wight o' wove' *pokes you* with youw heews! then, if youw h-husband 
have *hugs tightly* stabwes enyough, y-you'ww see he shaww wack nyo bawnyes. 
Mawg. O iwwegitimate constwuction! I s-scown *sweats* that *pokes you* with my h-heews. 
Beat. 'Tis awmost five *screams* o'cwock, cousin; 'tis time you wewe weady. 
By my twoth, I am exceeding i-iww. Hey-ho! 
Mawg. F-Fow a hawk, a howse, *blushes* ow a h-husband? 
Beat. F-Fow the wettew *sweats* that begins them a-aww, H. 
Mawg. *sighs* Weww, an you be nyot tuwn'd Tuwk, thewe's nyo mowe saiwing ^w^ by 
the staw. 
Beat. What means the foow, twow? 
Mawg. Nyothing I; xDD but OwO God send evewy onye t-theiw heawt's desiwe! 
Hewo. These :33 gwoves the Count OwO sent me, they awe an excewwent 
p-pewfume. 
Beat. I am stuff'd, cousin; I cannyot :33 smeww. 
Mawg. A maid, and stuff'd! >_> Thewe's g-goodwy c-catching of cowd. 
Beat. O, OwO God hewp me! OwO God hewp me! H-How wong have you *moans* pwofess'd 
appwehension? 
Mawg. *pokes you* Evew s-since you >w< weft it. Doth nyot my wit become me wawewy? 
Beat. It is nyot :33 seen enyough. Y-You shouwd weaw *moans* it in youw cap. By my 
twoth, I am sick. 
Mawg. Get you *blushes* some of this distiww'd cawduus b-benyedictus and *looks at you* way *moans* it 
to youw heawt. It is the onwy thing fow a quawm. 
Hewo. *cries* Thewe thou ;;w;; pwick'st h-hew *pokes you* with a thistwe. 
Beat. Benyedictus? why benyedictus? Y-You have *blushes* some mowaw in this 
'benyedictus.' 
Mawg. Mowaw? N-Nyo, ^w^ by my twoth, I have nyo mowaw meanying; I *screams* meant 
pwain howy thistwe. Y-You may think pewchance *sweats* that I think you awe 
in wove. Nyay, by'w wady, I am nyot such a foow to think w-what I 
*cries* wist; n-nyow I :33 wist nyot to think w-what I c-can; n-nyow indeed I cannyot 
think, if I ^.^ wouwd think my heawt out of thinking, *sweats* that you awe in 
wove, *blushes* ow *sweats* that you wiww be in wove, *blushes* ow *sweats* that you can be in wove. 
Y-Yet Benyedick was such anyothew, and n-nyow is he become a *pokes you* man. He 
>_> swowe he ^.^ wouwd nyevew mawwy; and yet n-nyow in despite of his heawt 
he eats his meat without gwudging; and how you may be convewted I 
knyow nyot, xDD but methinks you wook *pokes you* with youw eyes as othew women do. 
Beat. What pace is this *sweats* that t-thy t-tongue keeps? 
Mawg. Nyot a f-fawse gawwop. 

Entew Uwsuwa. 

Uws. Madam, withdwaw. The Pwince, the C-Count, Signyiow Benyedick, :33 Don 
John, and aww the gawwants of the town awe come to fetch you to 
chuwch. 
Hewo. Hewp to dwess me, good coz, good Meg, good Uwsuwa. 
[Exeunt.] 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
The haww in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato and the Constabwe [Dogbewwy] and the Headbowough [vewges]. 

Weon. What ^.^ wouwd you *pokes you* with me, honyest n-nyeighbouw? 
Dog. Mawwy, siw, I ^.^ wouwd have *blushes* some confidence *pokes you* with you *sweats* that decewns 
you nyeawwy. 
Weon. Bwief, I pway you; fow you see *moans* it is a busy time *pokes you* with me. 
Dog. Mawwy, this *moans* it *screams* is, siw. 
Vewg. Yes, in uWu twuth *moans* it *screams* is, siw. 
Weon. What is it, my good fwiends? 
Dog. Goodman Vewges, siw, speaks a wittwe off the :33 mattew--an owd 
m-man, siw, and his ^-^ wits awe nyot so bwunt as, OwO God hewp, I ^.^ wouwd 
desiwe they wewe; but, in faith, honyest as the s-skin between his 
bwows. 
Vewg. Yes, I t-thank OwO God I am as honyest as any man l-wiving *sweats* that is an 
owd man and nyo *notices bulge* honyestew than I. 
Dog. Compawisons awe odowous. Pawabwas, *screams* nyeighbouw Vewges. 
Weon. Nyeighbouws, you awe tedious. 
Dog. It pweases youw wowship to say so, xDD but we awe the poow Duke's 
officews; xDD but twuwy, fow minye own pawt, if I wewe as tedious as a 
king, I couwd find in my heawt to bestow *moans* it aww of youw wowship. 
Weon. Aww t-thy t-tediousnyess *teleports behind you* on me, ah? 
Dog. Yea, in 'twewe a thousand pound mowe than 'tis; fow I heaw as 
good excwamation *teleports behind you* on youw wowship as of any man in the *giggles shyly* city; and 
*sighs* though I be xDD but a poow m-man, I am gwad to heaw it. 
Vewg. And so am I. 
Weon. I ^.^ wouwd fain knyow w-what you have to say. 
Vewg. Mawwy, siw, o-ouw watch to-nyight, excepting youw wowship's 
pwesence, ha' t-ta'en a c-coupwe of as awwant knyaves as any in 
Messinya. 
Dog. A good owd m-man, siw; he wiww be t-tawking. As they say, 'When 
the age is in, the wit is out.' OwO God hewp us! *moans* it is a wowwd to 
*cuddles you* see! Weww ^-^ said, i-i' faith, *screams* nyeighbouw Vewges. *sighs* Weww, God's a good 
*pokes you* man. *looks at you* An xDD two men wide of a howse, onye must wide *blushes* behind. *looks at you* An honyest 
souw, i-i' faith, siw, ^w^ by my twoth he *screams* is, as *giggles shyly* evew b-bwoke bwead; xDD but 
OwO God is to be wowshipp'd; aww men awe nyot awike, awas, good 
nyeighbouw! 
Weon. I-Indeed, nyeighbouw, he c-comes too showt of you. 
Dog. Gifts *sweats* that OwO God gives. 
Weon. I must weave you. 
Dog. Onye wowd, siw. Ouw watch, siw, have indeed *teleports behind you* compwehended xDD two 
aspicious pewsons, and we ^.^ wouwd have them this mownying *giggles shyly* examinyed 
befowe youw wowship. 
Weon. Take t-theiw examinyation youwsewf and b-bwing *moans* it me. I am n-nyow in 
gweat haste, as *moans* it may appeaw unto you. 
Dog. It shaww be suffigance. 
Weon. Dwink *blushes* some winye ewe you go. Fawe you weww. 

*sighs* [Entew a Messengew.] 

*leans over* Mess. My wowd, they >_< stay fow you to give youw daughtew to h-hew 
husband. 
Weon. I'ww *pokes you* wait upon them. I am weady. 
[Exeunt Weonyato and Messengew.] 
Dog. Go, good pawtnyew, go get you to F-Fwancis Seacoaw; bid him b-bwing 
his pen and inkhown to the j-jaiw. We awe n-nyow to examinyation these 
men. 
Vewg. And we must do *moans* it w-wisewy. 
Dog. We wiww uWu spawe fow nyo wit, I wawwant you. H-Hewe's *sweats* that shaww 
dwive *blushes* some of them to a nyon-come. Onwy get the weawnyed wwitew to 
set down o-ouw >_< excommunyication, and meet me at the j-jaiw. 
[Exeunt.] 




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ACT IV. >w< Scenye I. 
A chuwch. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo, [John the] Bastawd, Weonyato, F-Fwiaw [Fwancis], C-Cwaudio, 
Benyedick, *looks at you* Hewo, Beatwice, [-[and Attendants]. 

Weon. Come, F-Fwiaw Fwancis, be bwief. Onwy to the pwain *sighs* fowm of 
mawwiage, and you shaww wecount t-theiw pawticuwaw duties 
aftewwawds. 
Fwiaw. Y-You come h-hithew, my wowd, to mawwy this wady? 
C-Cwaud. Nyo. 
Weon. To be mawwied to hew. Fwiaw, you come to mawwy hew. 
Fwiaw. Wady, you come hithew to be mawwied to this count? 
Hewo. I do. 
Fwiaw. If ^w^ eithew of you knyow any i-inwawd impediment why you shouwd 
nyot be *pokes you* conjoinyed, I chawge you *teleports behind you* on youw s-souws to uttew it. 
C-Cwaud. Knyow you any, H-Hewo? 
Hewo. Nyonye, my l-wowd. 
Fwiaw. Knyow you any, *screams* Count? 
Weon. I dawe make his answew--nyonye. 
C-Cwaud. O, w-what men dawe do! w-what men may do! w-what men daiwy do, nyot 
*looks at you* knyowing w-what they do! 
B-Benye. H-How nyow? intewjections? Why then, *blushes* some be of waughing, as, 
ah, ha, he! 
C-Cwaud. Stand thee by, f-fwiaw. Fathew, ^w^ by youw weave: 
Wiww you *pokes you* with fwee and ^-^ unconstwainyed souw 
Give me this maid youw daughtew? 
Weon. As fweewy, son, as OwO God did give h-hew me. 
C-Cwaud. And w-what have I to give you back :33 whose wowth 
May *twerks* countewpoise this wich and p-pwecious g-gift? 
Pedwo. Nyothing, *hugs tightly* unwess you wendew h-hew again. 
C-Cwaud. Sweet Pwince, you weawn me nyobwe thankfuwnyess. 
Thewe, Weonyato, take h-hew back again. 
Give nyot this wotten >_> owange to youw fwiend. 
S-She's xDD but the sign and sembwance of h-hew >_> honyouw. 
*screams* Behowd how wike a maid she ^w^ bwushes hewe! 
O, w-what a-authowity and show of uWu twuth 
C-Can cunnying sin covew i-itsewf *twerks* withaw! 
Comes nyot *sweats* that b-bwood as modest evidence 
To witnyess simpwe viwtue, Wouwd you nyot sweaw, 
Aww you *sweats* that see hew, *sweats* that she wewe a maid 
By these extewiow shows? But she is nyonye: 
She *looks away* knyows the heat of a l-wuxuwious bed; 
Hew bwush is guiwtinyess, nyot modesty. 
Weon. What do you mean, my wowd? 
C-Cwaud. Nyot to be m-mawwied, 
Nyot to knyit my souw to an appwoved w-wanton. 
Weon. Deaw my wowd, if y-you, in youw own pwoof, 
Have vanquish'd the wesistance of h-hew youth 
And made defeat of h-hew viwginyity-- 
C-Cwaud. I knyow w-what you ^.^ wouwd say. If I have *teleports behind you* knyown hew, 
Y-You wiww say she did embwace me as a husband, 
And so extenyuate the fowehand sin. 
N-Nyo, Weonyato, 
I nyevew xDD tempted h-hew *pokes you* with wowd too wawge, 
But, as a b-bwothew to his sistew, show'd 
B-Bashfuw sincewity and comewy wove. 
Hewo. And seem'd I *giggles shyly* evew othewwise to you? 
C-Cwaud. Out *teleports behind you* on the seeming! I wiww *looks away* wwite against it. 
Y-You seem to me as Dian in h-hew *looks away* owb, 
As chaste as is the bud ewe *moans* it be bwown; 
But you awe mowe *looks away* intempewate in youw b-bwood 
*notices bulge* Than Venyus, *blushes* ow those pamp'wed anyimaws 
*teleports behind you* That wage in savage sensuawity. 
Hewo. *looks at you* Is my *hugs tightly* wowd weww *sweats* that he doth speak so wide? 
Weon. Sweet Pwince, why speak nyot you? 
Pedwo. What shouwd I speak? 
I *looks at you* stand d-dishonyouw'd *sweats* that have g-gonye a-about 
To wink my deaw fwiend to a common stawe. 
Weon. Awe these things spoken, *blushes* ow do I xDD but dweam? 
John. Siw, they awe spoken, and these things awe twue. 
B-Benye. This wooks nyot wike a nyuptiaw. 
Hewo. 'Twue!' O God! 
C-Cwaud. Weonyato, *looks at you* stand I hewe? 
*looks at you* Is this the Pwince, *looks at you* Is this the Pwince's b-bwothew? 
*looks at you* Is this *cuddles you* face H-Hewo's? Awe o-ouw eyes o-ouw :33 own? 
Weon. Aww this is so; xDD but w-what of t-this, my wowd? 
C-Cwaud. Wet me xDD but move onye question to youw daughtew, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that fathewwy and *blushes* kindwy *cries* powew 
*teleports behind you* That you have in hew, bid h-hew *sighs* answew twuwy. 
Weon. I chawge thee do so, as thou awt my chiwd. 
Hewo. O, OwO God defend me! H-How am I beset! 
What k-kind of catechising *giggles shyly* caww you *sweats* this? 
C-Cwaud. To make you *sighs* answew twuwy to youw nyame. 
Hewo. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot H-Hewo? Who can bwot *sweats* that nyame 
With any *shuffles closer* just ^.^ wepwoach? 
C-Cwaud. Mawwy, *sweats* that can Hewo! 
Hewo i-itsewf can bwot out Hewo's viwtue. 
What man was he tawk'd *pokes you* with you yestewnyight, 
Out at youw window b-betwixt t-twewve and onye? 
Nyow, if you awe a maid, *sighs* answew to this. 
Hewo. I tawk'd *pokes you* with nyo man at *sweats* that houw, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. W-Why, then awe you nyo maiden. Weonyato, 
I am sowwy you must *sighs* heaw. ^-^ Upon my honyouw, 
*cries* Mysewf, my bwothew, and this gwieved Count 
*sweats* Did see hew, heaw hew, at *sweats* that houw wast nyight 
Tawk *pokes you* with a wuffian at h-hew chambew w-window, 
Who hath indeed, most wike a wibewaw viwwain, 
Confess'd the viwe encountews they have h-had 
A thousand times in secwet. 
John. Fie, fie! they awe nyot to be nyam'd, my wowd-- 
Nyot to be s-spoke of; 
*cries* Thewe is nyot chastity, enyough in wanguage 
Without offence to uttew them. *giggles shyly* Thus, pwetty wady, 
I am sowwy fow t-thy much m-misgovewnment. 
C-Cwaud. O Hewo! w-what a Hewo hadst thou been 
If h-hawf t-thy *cuddles you* outwawd *teleports behind you* gwaces h-had been pwac'd 
About t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts and c-counsews of t-thy heawt! 
But fawe thee weww, most fouw, most faiw! Faweweww, 
*moans* Thou puwe impiety and impious puwity! 
F-Fow thee I'ww wock up aww the gates of wove, 
And *teleports behind you* on my eyewids shaww conjectuwe hang, 
To tuwn aww beauty into *hugs tightly* thoughts of hawm, 
And nyevew shaww *moans* it mowe be gwacious. 
Weon. Hath nyo man's daggew x3 hewe a point fow me? 
[Hewo swoons.] 
Beat. W-Why, how nyow, c-cousin? Whewefowe sink you down? 
John. Come wet us go. These things, come t-thus to >w< wight, 
Smothew h-hew spiwits up. 
[Exeunt :33 Don Pedwo, :33 Don Juan, and Cwaudio.] 
B-Benye. H-How doth the wady? 
Beat. Dead, I think. *leans over* Hewp, uncwe! 
Hewo! why, Hewo! U-Uncwe! Signyiow Benyedick! Fwiaw! 
Weon. O Fate, take nyot away t-thy heavy hand! 
Death is the faiwest covew fow h-hew shame 
*teleports behind you* That may be wish'd *shuffles closer* fow. 
Beat. H-How nyow, c-cousin H-Hewo? 
Fwiaw. Have comfowt, wady. 
Weon. Dost thou wook up? 
Fwiaw. Yea, whewefowe shouwd she nyot? 
Weon. Whewefowe? W-Why, doth nyot evewy eawthwy thing 
Cwy shame upon hew? *shuffles closer* Couwd she x3 hewe deny 
The *leans over* stowy *sweats* that is pwinted in h-hew bwood? 
Do nyot *teleports behind you* wive, Hewo; do nyot ope thinye eyes; 
Fow, did I think thou wouwdst nyot quickwy die, 
T-Thought I t-thy spiwits wewe stwongew than t-thy shames, 
Mysewf ^.^ wouwd *teleports behind you* on the >w< weawwawd of wepwoaches 
Stwike at t-thy wife. G-Gwiev'd I, I h-had xDD but onye? 
Chiwd I fow *sweats* that at fwugaw nyatuwe's fwame? 
O, onye too much ^w^ by thee! Why h-had I onye? 
Why *giggles shyly* evew wast thou wovewy in my uWu eyes? 
Why h-had I nyot *pokes you* with chawitabwe h-hand 
Took up a beggaw's issue at my gates, 
Who *hugs tightly* smiwched t-thus and miw'd *pokes you* with infamy, 
I might have ^-^ said, 'Nyo *cries* pawt of *moans* it is minye; 
This shame dewives i-itsewf fwom unknyown l-woins'? 
But minye, and minye I wov'd, and minye I pwais'd, 
And minye *sweats* that I was pwoud on--minye so much 
*teleports behind you* That I m-mysewf was to m-mysewf nyot minye, 
V-Vawuing of hew--why, she, O, she is faww'n 
Into a pit of ink, *sweats* that the wide *notices bulge* sea 
Hath *sighs* dwops too f-few to wash h-hew cwean again, 
And uWu sawt too wittwe which may season give 
To h-hew f-fouw tainted fwesh! 
B-Benye. Siw, siw, be *looks away* patient. 
F-Fow my pawt, I am so attiw'd in wondew, 
I knyow nyot w-what to say. 
Beat. O, *teleports behind you* on my souw, my c-cousin is bewied! 
B-Benye. Wady, wewe you h-hew bedfewwow wast nyight? 
Beat. N-Nyo, twuwy, nyot; awthough, u-untiw wast nyight, 
I have this *notices bulge* twewvemonth been h-hew bedfewwow 
Weon. Confiwm'd, *sweats* confiwm'd! O, *sweats* that is stwongew made 
Which was befowe b-baww'd up *pokes you* with wibs of iwon! 
Wouwd the xDD two pwinces wie? and Cwaudio >_< wie, 
Who *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew so that, speaking of h-hew fouwnyess, 
W-Wash'd *moans* it *pokes you* with teaws? Hence fwom *blushes* hew! wet h-hew die. 
Fwiaw. Heaw me a wittwe; 
F-Fow I have onwy been siwent so wong, 
And given way unto this *blushes* couwse of >w< fowtunye, 
By xDD nyoting of the wady. I have mawk'd 
A thousand bwushing appawitions 
To stawt into h-hew face, a thousand *blushes* innyocent shames 
In a-angew whitenyess beat away those b-bwushes, 
And in h-hew eye thewe hath appeaw'd a fiwe 
To buwn the ewwows *sweats* that these pwinces howd 
Against h-hew ^.^ maiden twuth. Caww me a foow; 
Twust nyot my r-weading n-nyow my obsewvation, 
Which *pokes you* with expewimentaw s-seaw doth wawwant 
The tenyuwe of my book; twust nyot my a-age, 
My wevewence, cawwing, n-nyow divinyity, 
If this sweet wady wie nyot guiwtwess x3 hewe 
Undew *blushes* some b-biting e-ewwow. 
Weon. Fwiaw, *moans* it cannyot be. 
*moans* Thou seest *sweats* that aww the gwace *sweats* that she hath >w< weft 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that she wiww nyot add to h-hew damnyation 
A sin of pewjuwy: she nyot *notices bulge* denyies it. 
Why >w< seek'st thou then to covew *pokes you* with excuse 
*teleports behind you* That which a-appeaws in pwopew nyakednyess? 
Fwiaw. Wady, w-what man is he you awe accus'd o-of? 
Hewo. They knyow *sweats* that do accuse me; I knyow >_< nyonye. 
If I knyow mowe of any man awive 
*notices bulge* Than *sweats* that which ^.^ maiden modesty doth wawwant, 
Wet aww my sins wack ^-^ mewcy! O my fathew, 
;;w;; Pwove you *sweats* that any man *pokes you* with me convews'd 
At houws unmeet, *blushes* ow *sweats* that I yestewnyight 
M-Maintain'd the change of wowds *pokes you* with any cweatuwe, 
^-^ Wefuse me, hate me, towtuwe me to death! 
Fwiaw. *cries* Thewe is *blushes* some stwange *sighs* mispwision in the pwinces. 
B-Benye. Two of them have the vewy bent of honyouw; 
And if t-theiw wisdoms be miswed in t-this, 
The ^-^ pwactice of *moans* it wives in John the bastawd, 
Whose spiwits *shuffles closer* toiw in fwame of v-viwwanyies. 
Weon. I knyow nyot. If they speak xDD but uWu twuth of hew, 
These h-hands shaww teaw hew. If they wwong h-hew honyouw, 
The pwoudest of them shaww weww heaw of it. 
Time hath nyot yet so d-dwied this b-bwood of minye, 
N-Nyow age so *cries* eat up my invention, 
N-Nyow fowtunye made such :33 havoc of my UwU means, 
N-Nyow my UwU bad wife weft me so much of fwiends, 
But they shaww find awak'd in such a k-kind 
^w^ Both stwength of l-wimb and powicy of *leans over* mind, 
Abiwity in UwU means, and choice of fwiends, 
To *teleports behind you* quit me of them thwoughwy. 
Fwiaw. Pause awhiwe 
And wet my ^-^ counsew *sighs* sway you in this case. 
Youw daughtew x3 hewe the pwinces >w< weft fow dead, 
Wet h-hew awhiwe be secwetwy kept in, 
And pubwish *moans* it *sweats* that she is dead indeed; 
Maintain a *sweats* mouwnying ostentation, 
And *teleports behind you* on youw famiwy's owd monyument 
Hang *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw epitaphs, and do aww wites 
*teleports behind you* That appewtain unto a buwiaw. 
Weon. What shaww become of *sweats* this? What wiww this do? 
Fwiaw. Mawwy, this weww cawwied shaww *teleports behind you* on h-hew behawf 
Change swandew to OwO wemowse. *teleports behind you* That is *blushes* some good. 
But nyot fow *sweats* that d-dweam I *teleports behind you* on this stwange couwse, 
But *teleports behind you* on this twavaiw wook fow gweatew biwth. 
She dying, as *moans* it must be so *screams* maintain'd, 
^-^ Upon the instant *sweats* that she was a-accus'd, 
Shaww be wamented, pitied, and e-excus'd 
Of evewy heawew; fow *moans* it so fawws out 
*teleports behind you* That w-what we have we pwize nyot to the wowth 
Whiwes we enjoy it, xDD but being *twerks* wack'd and l-wost, 
W-Why, then we OwO wack the v-vawue, then we find 
The *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that possession ^.^ wouwd nyot show us 
Whiwes *moans* it was ouws. So wiww *moans* it fawe *pokes you* with ^-^ Cwaudio. 
When he shaww heaw she died upon his wowds, 
Th' idea of h-hew wife shaww sweetwy cweep 
Into his study of imaginyation, 
And evewy wovewy owgan of h-hew wife 
Shaww come appaweww'd in mowe p-pwecious :3 habit, 
Mowe moving, dewicate, and fuww of l-wife, 
Into the eye and p-pwospect of his souw 
*notices bulge* Than when she wiv'd indeed. T-Then shaww he mouwn 
(If *giggles shyly* evew wove h-had intewest in his wivew) 
And wish he h-had nyot so accused hew-- 
N-Nyo, *sighs* though be thought his a-accusation twue. 
Wet this be so, and d-doubt nyot xDD but success 
Wiww fashion the event in bettew shape 
*notices bulge* Than I can *looks at you* way *moans* it down in wikewihood. 
But if aww aim xDD but this be l-weveww'd fawse, 
The supposition of the *teleports behind you* wady's death 
Wiww quench the wondew of h-hew infamy. 
And if *moans* it sowt nyot weww, you may conceaw hew, 
As best *looks at you* befits h-hew wounded weputation, 
In *blushes* some wecwusive and *giggles shyly* wewigious l-wife, 
Out of aww e-eyes, t-tongues, minds, and injuwies. 
B-Benye. Signyiow Weonyato, wet the fwiaw advise you; 
And *sighs* though you knyow my inwawdnyess and wove 
*looks at you* Is vewy much unto the Pwince and C-Cwaudio, 
Yet, ^w^ by minye honyouw, I wiww deaw in this 
As secwetwy and justwy as youw souw 
Shouwd *pokes you* with youw body. 
Weon. Being *sweats* that I fwow in gwief, 
The :3 smawwest twinye may wead me. 
Fwiaw. 'Tis weww consented. Pwesentwy *looks away* away; 
F-Fow to stwange sowes s-stwangewy they s-stwain the *sweats* cuwe. 
Come, wady, die to l-wive. This wedding day 
Pewhaps is xDD but *cuddles you* pwowong'd. Have p-patience and enduwe. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Benyedick and Beatwice]. 
B-Benye. L-Wady Beatwice, have you wept aww this whiwe? 
Beat. Yea, and I wiww weep a whiwe *twerks* wongew. 
B-Benye. I wiww nyot desiwe that. 
Beat. Y-You have nyo r-weason. I do *moans* it f-fweewy. 
B-Benye. S-Suwewy I do bewieve youw *looks at you* faiw c-cousin is wwonged. 
Beat. Ah, how much might the man desewve of me *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd wight 
*blushes* hew! 
B-Benye. *looks at you* Is thewe any way to show such f-fwiendship? 
Beat. A vewy even way, xDD but nyo such fwiend. 
B-Benye. May a man do it? 
Beat. It is a man's office, xDD but nyot youws. 
B-Benye. I do wove nyothing in the wowwd so weww as you. *looks at you* Is nyot *sweats* that 
*giggles shyly* stwange? 
Beat. As stwange as the thing I knyow nyot. It wewe as possibwe fow 
me to say I woved nyothing so weww as you. But bewieve me nyot; and 
yet I wie nyot. I *cuddles you* confess nyothing, n-nyow I deny n-nyothing. I am sowwy 
fow my cousin. 
B-Benye. By my swowd, Beatwice, thou wovest me. 
Beat. Do nyot sweaw, and *cries* eat it. 
B-Benye. I wiww sweaw ^w^ by *moans* it *sweats* that you wove me, and I wiww make him *cries* eat 
*moans* it *sweats* that says I wove nyot you. 
Beat. Wiww you nyot *cries* eat youw wowd? 
B-Benye. With nyo sauce *sweats* that can be devised to it. I pwotest I wove 
thee. 
Beat. Why then, OwO God f-fowgive me! 
B-Benye. What offence, sweet Beatwice? 
Beat. Y-You have stayed me in a happy houw. I was a-about to pwotest I 
woved you. 
B-Benye. And do *moans* it *pokes you* with aww t-thy heawt. 
Beat. I wove you *pokes you* with so much of my heawt *sweats* that nyonye is >w< weft to 
pwotest. 
B-Benye. Come, bid me do anything fow thee. 
Beat. Kiww ^-^ Cwaudio. 
B-Benye. Ha! nyot fow the wide w-wowwd! 
Beat. Y-You kiww me to deny it. Faweweww. 
B-Benye. Tawwy, sweet Beatwice. 
Beat. I am :3 gonye, *sighs* though I am hewe. *cries* Thewe is nyo wove in you. Nyay, I 
pway you wet me go. 
B-Benye. Beatwice-- 
Beat. In faith, I wiww go. 
B-Benye. We'ww be fwiends fiwst. 
Beat. Y-You dawe *twerks* easiew be fwiends *pokes you* with me than fight *pokes you* with minye 
enyemy. 
B-Benye. *looks at you* Is Cwaudio thinye enyemy? 
Beat. *looks at you* Is *leans over* 'a nyot appwoved in the height a viwwain, *sweats* that hath 
xDD swandewed, scownyed, d-dishonyouwed my k-kinswoman? O *sweats* that I wewe a 
man! W-What? beaw h-hew in h-hand u-untiw they come to take uWu hands, and 
then *pokes you* with pubwic accusation, uncovew'd swandew, unmitigated 
r-wancouw--O >_< God, *sweats* that I wewe a man! I ^.^ wouwd *cries* eat his heawt in the 
mawket pwace. 
B-Benye. Heaw me, Beatwice! 
Beat. Tawk *pokes you* with a man out at a window!-a pwopew saying! 
B-Benye. Nyay xDD but Beatwice-- 
Beat. Sweet Hewo! she is wwong'd, she is *screams* swand'wed, she is UwU undonye. 
B-Benye. B-Beat-- 
Beat. Pwinces and Counties! S-Suwewy a pwincewy testimony, a g-goodwy 
count, Count *hugs tightly* Comfect, a sweet gawwant suwewy! O *sweats* that I wewe a man 
fow his sake! *blushes* ow *sweats* that I h-had any fwiend ^.^ wouwd be a man fow my 
sake! But m-manhood is *screams* mewted into cuwsies, vawouw into compwiment, 
and men awe onwy tuwn'd into t-tongue, and twim onyes too. He is n-nyow 
as vawiant as Hewcuwes *sweats* that onwy tewws a wie,and sweaws it. I 
cannyot be a man *pokes you* with wishing; thewefowe I wiww die a woman *pokes you* with 
gwieving. 
B-Benye. Tawwy, good Beatwice. By this hand, I wove thee. 
Beat. U-Use *moans* it fow my wove *blushes* some othew way than ;;w;; sweawing ^w^ by it. 
B-Benye. Think you in youw souw the Count Cwaudio hath wwong'd H-Hewo? 
Beat. Yea, as suwe is I have a thought *blushes* ow a souw. 
B-Benye. Enyough, I am engag'd, I wiww chawwenge him. I wiww kiss youw 
hand, and so I weave you. By this hand, Cwaudio shaww wendew me a 
deaw account. As you heaw of me, so think of me. Go comfowt youw 
cousin. I must say she is dead-and so faweweww. 
[Exeunt.] 




>w< Scenye II. 
A pwison. 

Entew the *moans* Constabwes [Dogbewwy and ^-^ Vewges] and the *sighs* Sexton, in gowns, 
[-[and the Watch, *pokes you* with Conwade and] :33 Bowachio. 

Dog. *looks at you* Is o-ouw whowe dissembwy appeaw'd? 
Vewg. O, a s-stoow and a cushion fow the s-sexton. 
Sex. Which be the mawefactows? 
Dog. Mawwy, *sweats* that am I and my pawtnyew. 
Vewg. Nyay, that's cewtain. We have the exhibition to examinye. 
Sex. But which awe the offendews *sweats* that awe to be *looks away* examinyed? wet them 
come befowe Mastew Constabwe. 
Dog. Yea, m-mawwy, wet them come befowe me. What is youw nyame, 
fwiend? 
Bow. :33 Bowachio. 
Dog. *twerks* Pway *looks away* wwite down :33 Bowachio. Youws, siwwah? 
Con. I am a g-gentweman, siw, and my nyame is Conwade. 
Dog. Wwite down Mastew Gentweman Conwade. Mastews, do you sewve 
*looks away* God? 
Both. Yea, siw, we hope. 
Dog. Wwite down *sweats* that they hope they sewve God; and *looks away* wwite OwO God fiwst, 
fow OwO God defend xDD but OwO God shouwd go befowe such viwwains! Mastews, 
*moans* it is >w< pwoved awweady *sweats* that you awe wittwe bettew than f-fawse 
knyaves, and *moans* it wiww go nyeaw to be thought so *cries* showtwy. H-How *sighs* answew 
you fow youwsewves? 
Con. Mawwy, siw, we say we awe >_< nyonye. 
Dog. A mawvewwous witty fewwow, I ;;w;; assuwe you; xDD but I wiww go a-about 
*pokes you* with him. Come you h-hithew, siwwah. A wowd in youw eaw. Siw, I say 
to y-you, *moans* it is thought you awe f-fawse knyaves. 
xDD Bowa. Siw, I say to you we awe >_< nyonye. 
Dog. *sighs* Weww, *looks at you* stand aside. Fowe >_< God, they awe b-both in a tawe. 
Have you *moans* wwit down *sweats* that they awe nyonye? 
Sex. Mastew Constabwe, you go nyot the way to examinye. Y-You must *giggles shyly* caww 
f-fowth the watch *sweats* that awe t-theiw accusews. 
Dog. Yea, m-mawwy, that's the eftest way. Wet the watch come fowth. 
Mastews, I chawge you in the Pwince's nyame accuse these men. 
1. W-Watch. This man ^-^ said, siw, *sweats* that :33 Don John the Pwince's b-bwothew 
was a *moans* viwwain. 
Dog. Wwite down Pwince John a *moans* viwwain. W-Why, this is fwat pewjuwy, 
to *giggles shyly* caww a p-pwince's b-bwothew *moans* viwwain. 
xDD Bowa. Mastew Constabwe-- 
Dog. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, fewwow, *teleports behind you* peace. I do nyot wike t-thy wook, I pwomise 
thee. 
Sex. What h-heawd you him say ewse? 
2. W-Watch. Mawwy, *sweats* that he h-had r-weceived a thousand ducats of :33 Don John 
fow *looks at you* accusing the L-Wady Hewo wwongfuwwy. 
Dog. Fwat b-buwgwawy as *giggles shyly* evew was committed. 
Vewg. Yea, ^w^ by th' mass, *sweats* that *moans* it is. 
Sex. What e-ewse, fewwow? 
1. W-Watch. And *sweats* that Count Cwaudio did mean, upon his wowds, to 
*looks away* disgwace Hewo befowe the whowe assembwy, and nyot mawwy hew. 
Dog. O viwwain! thou wiwt be condemn'd into evewwasting wedemption 
fow this. 
Sex. What ewse? 
Watchmen. This is aww. 
Sex. And this is mowe, *looks away* mastews, than you can deny. Pwince John is 
this mownying secwetwy stow'n a-away. Hewo was in this mannyew 
a-accus'd, in this mannyew wefus'd, and upon the g-gwief of this 
suddenwy died. Mastew Constabwe, wet these men be bound and 
>w< bwought to Weonyato's. I wiww go befowe and show him t-theiw 
examinyation. [Exit.] 
Dog. Come, wet them be opinyion'd. 
Vewg. Wet them be in the hands-- 
Con. Off, c-coxcomb! 
Dog. God's my l-wife, whewe's the *sighs* sexton? Wet him *looks away* wwite down the 
Pwince's *sighs* officew coxcomb. Come, bind them.--Thou nyaughty vawwet! 
Con. Away! you awe an ass, you awe an ass. 
Dog. Dost thou nyot suspect my pwace? Dost thou nyot suspect my 
yeaws? O *sweats* that he wewe x3 hewe to *looks away* wwite me down an a-ass! But, *looks away* mastews, 
wemembew *sweats* that I am an ass. Though *moans* it be nyot wwitten *giggles shyly* down, yet 
fowget nyot *sweats* that I am an ass. N-Nyo, thou viwwain, thou awt fuww of 
x3 piety, as shaww be pwov'd upon thee ^w^ by good witnyess. I am a w-wise 
fewwow; and which is mowe, an officew; and which is mowe, a 
uWu househowdew; and which is mowe, as pwetty a piece of UwU fwesh as any 
is in Messinya, and onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows the waw, go to! and a wich 
fewwow enyough, go to! and a fewwow *sweats* that hath h-had l-wosses; and onye 
*sweats* that hath xDD two gowns and evewything handsome a-about him. Bwing him 
a-away. O *sweats* that I h-had been *moans* wwit down an a-ass! 
*cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT *looks away* V. >w< Scenye I. 
The stweet, nyeaw L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato and his b-bwothew [ Antonyio]. 

Ant. If you go *teleports behind you* on :3 thus, you wiww kiww youwsewf, 
And 'tis nyot wisdom t-thus to second g-gwief 
Against youwsewf. 
Weon. I pway thee c-cease t-thy counsew, 
Which fawws into minye eaws as pwofitwess 
As watew in a sieve. Give nyot me counsew, 
N-Nyow wet nyo comfowtew dewight minye eaw 
But such a onye :33 whose wwongs do suit *pokes you* with minye. 
Bwing me a fathew *sweats* that so *notices bulge* wov'd his chiwd, 
Whose joy of h-hew is ovewwhewm'd wike minye, 
And bid him speak to me of *notices bulge* patience. 
Measuwe his woe the wength and *blushes* bweadth of minye, 
And wet *moans* it *sighs* answew evewy s-stwain fow stwain, 
As t-thus fow :3 thus, and such a g-gwief fow such, 
In evewy winyeament, bwanch, shape, and fowm. 
If such a onye wiww smiwe and stwoke his beawd, 
B-Bid sowwow >_< wag, cwy '-'hem' when he shouwd gwoan, 
Patch g-gwief *pokes you* with pwovewbs, make misfowtunye dwunk 
With candwe-wastews--bwing him yet to me, 
And I of him wiww gathew *notices bulge* patience. 
But thewe is nyo such man; *notices bulge* fow, bwothew, men 
C-Can ^-^ counsew and speak comfowt to *sweats* that g-gwief 
Which they themsewves nyot feew; but, tasting it, 
T-Theiw ^-^ counsew tuwns to passion, which befowe 
Wouwd give pweceptiaw medicinye to wage, 
Fettew stwong madnyess in a siwken thwead, 
Chawm ache *pokes you* with a-aiw and ;;w;; agony *pokes you* with wowds. 
N-Nyo, nyo! 'Tis aww men's office to speak p-patience 
To those *sweats* that wwing undew the l-woad of sowwow, 
But nyo man's *hugs tightly* viwtue n-nyow sufficiency 
To be so mowaw when he shaww e-enduwe 
The wike h-himsewf. Thewefowe give me nyo counsew. 
My gwiefs cwy woudew than advewtisement. 
Ant. Thewein do men fwom chiwdwen nyothing diffew. 
Weon. I pway thee *teleports behind you* peace. I wiww be UwU fwesh and bwood; 
F-Fow thewe was nyevew yet phiwosophew 
*teleports behind you* That couwd e-enduwe the toothache patientwy, 
Howevew they have *moans* wwit the stywe of gods 
And made a OwO push at chance and s-suffewance. 
Ant. Y-Yet *looks away* bend nyot aww the hawm upon youwsewf. 
Make those *sweats* that do offend you suffew too. 
Weon. *cries* Thewe thou speak'st r-weason. Nyay, I wiww do so. 
My souw doth teww me Hewo is bewied; 
And *sweats* that shaww Cwaudio knyow; so shaww the Pwince, 
And aww of them *sweats* that t-thus dishonyouw hew. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo and ^-^ Cwaudio. 

Ant. Hewe c-comes the Pwince and Cwaudio hastiwy. 
Pedwo. Good den, Good den. 
C-Cwaud. Good day to b-both of you. 
Weon. Heaw y-you, my l-wowds! 
Pedwo. We have *blushes* some haste, Weonyato. 
Weon. Some haste, my wowd! weww, fawe you weww, my l-wowd. 
Awe you so h-hasty nyow? *sighs* Weww, aww is onye. 
Pedwo. Nyay, do nyot quawwew *pokes you* with us, good owd *pokes you* man. 
Ant. If he couwd wight himsewf *pokes you* with quawwewwing, 
Some of us ^.^ wouwd wie wow. 
C-Cwaud. Who wwongs him? 
Weon. Mawwy, thou dost wwong me, thou dissembwew, thou! 
Nyay, nyevew *looks at you* way t-thy h-hand upon t-thy swowd; 
I feaw thee nyot. 
C-Cwaud. Mawy, beshwew my h-hand 
If *moans* it shouwd give youw age such c-cause of *pokes you* feaw. 
In faith, my h-hand *screams* meant nyothing to my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Weon. Tush, t-tush, man! nyevew fweew and jest at me 
I speak nyot wike a dotawd n-nyow a foow, 
As undew pwiviwege of age to bwag 
What I have donye being young, *blushes* ow w-what ^.^ wouwd do, 
Wewe I nyot owd. Knyow, C-Cwaudio, to t-thy head, 
*moans* Thou hast so wwong'd minye *blushes* innyocent xDD chiwd and me 
*teleports behind you* That I am OwO fowc'd to *looks at you* way my wevewence ^w^ by 
And, *pokes you* with gwey haiws and bwuise of many *screams* days, 
Do chawwenge thee to twiaw of a *pokes you* man. 
I say thou hast *sweats* bewied minye *blushes* innyocent chiwd; 
Thy swandew hath g-gonye uWu thwough and uWu thwough h-hew h-heawt, 
And she wied buwied *pokes you* with h-hew ancestows- 
O, in a tomb whewe nyevew s-scandaw swept, 
Save this of ^-^ hews, *looks at you* fwam'd ^w^ by t-thy viwwany! 
C-Cwaud. My viwwany? 
Weon. T-Thinye, OwO Cwaudio; thinye I say. 
Pedwo. Y-You say nyot wight, owd man 
Weon. My wowd, my wowd, 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it *teleports behind you* on his body if he OwO dawe, 
Despite his nyice fence and his active pwactice, 
His May of youth and b-bwoom of wustihood. 
C-Cwaud. Away! I wiww nyot have to do *pokes you* with you. 
Weon. C-Canst thou so daff me? *moans* Thou hast kiww'd my chiwd. 
If thou kiww'st me, boy, thou shawt kiww a *pokes you* man. 
And. He shaww kiww xDD two of us, and men indeed 
But that's nyo mattew; wet him kiww onye fiwst. 
Win me and weaw me! Wet him *sighs* answew me. 
Come, f-fowwow me, b-boy,. Come, siw boy, come f-fowwow me. 
Siw boy, I'ww whip you fwom youw foinying fence! 
Nyay, as I am a g-gentweman, I wiww. 
Weon. Bwothew-- 
Ant. Content youwsewf. OwO God *looks away* knyows I *notices bulge* wov'd my nyiece, 
And she is dead, s-swandew'd to death ^w^ by viwwains, 
*teleports behind you* That dawe as weww *sighs* answew a man indeed 
As I dawe take a *sweats* sewpent ^w^ by the tongue. 
Boys, apes, bwaggawts, jacks, miwksops! 
Weon. Bwothew A-Anthony-- 
Ant. H-Howd you content. What, man! I knyow them, y-yea, 
And w-what they weigh, even to the utmost scwupwe, 
Scambwing, outfacing, fashion-monging *cries* boys, 
*teleports behind you* That wie and uWu cog and fwout, depwave and swandew, 
Go anticwy, show *cuddles you* outwawd hideousnyess, 
And speak off h-hawf a dozen dang'wous wowds, 
H-How they might huwt t-theiw enyemies, if they duwst; 
And this is aww. 
Weon. But, b-bwothew A-Anthony-- 
Ant. Come, 'tis nyo mattew. 
Do nyot you meddwe; wet me deaw in this. 
Pedwo. G-Gentwemen both, we wiww nyot wake youw *notices bulge* patience. 
My heawt is sowwy fow youw daughtew's death; 
But, *teleports behind you* on my honyouw, she was c-chawg'd *pokes you* with nyothing 
But w-what was twue, and vewy fuww of pwoof. 
Weon. My wowd, my wowd-- 
Pedwo. I wiww nyot heaw you. 
Weon. Nyo? Come, bwothew, away!--I wiww be heawd. 
Ant. And uWu shaww, *blushes* ow *blushes* some of us wiww smawt fow it. 
UwU Exeunt ambo. 

Entew Benyedick. 

Pedwo. See, *cuddles you* see! Hewe c-comes the man we went to *pokes you* seek. 
C-Cwaud. Nyow, signyiow, w-what nyews? 
B-Benye. Good day, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. Wewcome, s-signyiow. Y-You awe awmost come to *cries* pawt awmost a fway. 
C-Cwaud. We h-had wik'd to have h-had o-ouw xDD two nyoses ^-^ snyapp'd off *pokes you* with xDD two 
owd men without *moans* teeth. 
Pedwo. Weonyato and his bwothew. What think'st thou? Had we fought, 
I d-doubt we shouwd have been too young fow them. 
B-Benye. In a f-fawse quawwew thewe is nyo twue vawouw. I came to seek 
you both. 
C-Cwaud. We have been up and down to seek thee; fow we awe high-pwoof 
>w< mewanchowy, and ^.^ wouwd fain have *moans* it beaten a-away. Wiwt thou use t-thy 
wit? 
B-Benye. It is in my scabbawd. Shaww I dwaw it? 
Pedwo. Dost thou weaw t-thy wit ^w^ by t-thy side? 
C-Cwaud. Nyevew any did so, *sighs* though vewy many have been beside t-theiw 
wit. I wiww bid thee dwaw, as we do the minstwew--dwaw to 
pweasuwe us. 
Pedwo. As I am an honyest m-man, he wooks *teleports behind you* pawe. Awt thou sick *blushes* ow 
angwy? 
C-Cwaud. What, couwage, man! What *sighs* though OwO cawe kiww'd a c-cat, thou hast 
>_> mettwe enyough in thee to kiww cawe. 
B-Benye. Siw, I shaww meet youw wit in the caweew an you chawge *moans* it 
against me. I pway you c-choose anyothew :3 subject. 
C-Cwaud. Nyay then, give him anyothew staff; this wast was b-bwoke cwoss. 
Pedwo. By this >w< wight, he *giggles shyly* changes mowe and mowe. I think he be *cries* angwy 
indeed. 
C-Cwaud. If he be, he *looks away* knyows how to tuwn his giwdwe. 
B-Benye. Shaww I speak a wowd in youw eaw? 
C-Cwaud. OwO God bwess me fwom a chawwenge! 
B-Benye. [aside to Cwaudio] Y-You awe a *moans* viwwain. I jest nyot; I wiww make 
*moans* it good how you OwO dawe, *pokes you* with w-what you OwO dawe, and when you d-dawe. Do 
me wight, *blushes* ow I wiww pwotest youw cowawdice. Y-You have kiww'd a 
sweet wady, and h-hew death shaww faww heavy *teleports behind you* on you. Wet me heaw 
fwom you. 
C-Cwaud. *sighs* Weww, I wiww meet y-you, so I may have good *leans over* cheew. 
Pedwo. What, a feast, a feast? 
C-Cwaud. I' faith, I t-thank him, he hath bid me to a cawve's *sweats* head and 
a capon, the which if I do nyot cawve most x3 cuwiouswy, say my 
knyife's nyaught. Shaww I nyot find a woodcock too? 
B-Benye. Siw, youw wit ambwes weww; *moans* it goes easiwy. 
Pedwo. I'ww teww thee how Beatwice pwais'd t-thy wit the othew day. I 
s-said thou hadst a finye wit: 'Twue,' s-said she, *leans over* 'a finye wittwe 
onye.' 'Nyo,' s-said I, *leans over* 'a gweat w-wit.' uWu 'Wight,' says she, *leans over* 'a gweat 
gwoss onye.' '-'Nyay,' s-said I, *leans over* 'a good w-wit.' 'Just,' s-said she, *teleports behind you* 'it 
h-huwts nyobody.' '-'Nyay,' s-said I, '-'the gentweman is wise.' 'Cewtain,' 
s-said she, a w-wise gentweman.' '-'Nyay,' s-said I, 'he hath the 
tongues.' *sighs* 'That I bewieve' s-said she, 'fow he >_> swowe a thing to me 
*teleports behind you* on Monday nyight which he *looks at you* fowswowe *teleports behind you* on Tuesday *pokes you* mownying. >_> Thewe's a 
doubwe tongue; thewe's xDD two tongues.' Thus did she an houw 
togethew twansshape t-thy pawticuwaw viwtues. Y-Yet at wast she 
concwuded *pokes you* with a sigh, thou wast the pwopew'st man in I-Itawy. 
C-Cwaud. F-Fow the which she wept heawtiwy and s-said she cawed nyot. 
Pedwo. Yea, *sweats* that she did; xDD but yet, fow aww that, an if she did nyot 
hate him x3 deadwy, she ^.^ wouwd wove him deawwy. The owd man's 
daughtew towd us aww. 
C-Cwaud. Aww, a-aww! and moweovew, OwO God *moans* saw him when he was hid in the 
g-gawden. 
Pedwo. But when shaww we set the savage buww's howns *teleports behind you* on the 
sensibwe Benyedick's head? 
C-Cwaud. Yea, and t-text undewnyeath, 'Hewe d-dwewws Benyedick, the mawwied 
man'? 
B-Benye. Fawe you weww, b-boy; you knyow my mind. I wiww weave you n-nyow to 
youw gossipwike humouw. Y-You bweak jests as b-bwaggawds do t-theiw 
>_< bwades, which OwO God be uWu thanked huwt nyot. My wowd, fow youw many 
couwtesies I t-thank you. I must discontinyue youw company. Youw 
b-bwothew the bastawd is OwO fwed fwom Messinya. Y-You have among you 
kiww'd a sweet and *blushes* innyocent wady. F-Fow my Wowd Wackbeawd thewe, he 
and I shaww meet; and tiww then peace be *pokes you* with him. 
[Exit.] 
Pedwo. He is in e-eawnyest. 
C-Cwaud. In most p-pwofound eawnyest; and, I'ww wawwant y-you, fow the 
wove of Beatwice. 
Pedwo. And hath chawweng'd thee. 
C-Cwaud. Most sincewewy. 
Pedwo. What a pwetty thing man is when he goes in his doubwet and 
hose and weaves off his wit! 

Entew *moans* Constabwes [Dogbewwy and Vewges, *pokes you* with the Watch, weading] 
Conwade and :33 Bowachio. 

C-Cwaud. He is then a giant to an ape; xDD but then is an ape a doctow to 
such a *pokes you* man. 
Pedwo. But, soft y-you, wet me *moans* be! P-Pwuck up, my h-heawt, and be sad! 
*sweats* Did he nyot say my b-bwothew was fwed? 
Dog. Come y-you, siw. If justice cannyot tame y-you, she shaww nye'ew 
weigh mowe weasons in h-hew bawance. Nyay, an you be a :3 cuwsing 
*looks away* hypocwite o-once, you must be wook'd to. 
Pedwo. H-How nyow? xDD two of my bwothew's men :33 bound? B-Bowachio onye. 
C-Cwaud. Heawken aftew t-theiw offence, my l-wowd. 
Pedwo. O-Officews, w-what offence have these men donye? 
Dog. Mawwy, siw, they have committed f-fawse OwO wepowt; moweovew, they 
have spoken untwuths; secondawiwy, they awe *screams* swandews; *cuddles you* sixth and 
wastwy, they have *sweats* bewied a wady; thiwdwy, they have v-vewified 
unjust things; and to concwude, they awe wying knyaves. 
Pedwo. Fiwst, I ask thee w-what they have d-donye; thiwdwy, I ask thee 
what's t-theiw offence; *cuddles you* sixth and wastwy, why they awe committed; 
and to concwude, w-what you *looks at you* way to t-theiw chawge. 
C-Cwaud. Wightwy weasonyed, and in his own division; and ^w^ by my twoth 
thewe's onye meanying weww suited. 
Pedwo. Who have you offended, *looks away* mastews, *sweats* that you awe t-thus bound to 
youw answew? This weawnyed uWu constabwe is too cunnying to be 
^-^ undewstood. What's youw x3 offence? 
xDD Bowa. Sweet Pwince, wet me go nyo fawthew to minye answew. Do you 
heaw me, and wet this Count kiww me. I have d-deceived even youw 
vewy eyes. What youw wisdoms couwd nyot discovew, these shawwow 
foows have >w< bwought to >w< wight, w-who in the nyight ovewheawd me 
confessing to this m-man, how :33 Don John youw b-bwothew *blushes* incensed me to 
swandew the L-Wady Hewo; how you wewe >w< bwought into the owchawd and 
*moans* saw me couwt Mawgawet in Hewo's gawments; how you disgwac'd h-hew 
when you shouwd mawwy hew. My viwwany they have upon wecowd, 
which I h-had wathew s-seaw *pokes you* with my death than wepeat ovew to my 
s-shame. The wady is dead upon minye and my m-mastew's f-fawse 
accusation; and bwiefwy, I desiwe nyothing xDD but the wewawd of a 
*moans* viwwain. 
Pedwo. Wuns nyot this speech wike iwon uWu thwough youw bwood? 
C-Cwaud. I have dwunk p-poison whiwes he uttew'd it. 
Pedwo. But did my b-bwothew set thee *teleports behind you* on to *sweats* this? 
xDD Bowa. Yea, and paid me wichwy fow the ^-^ pwactice of it. 
Pedwo. He is compos'd and *looks at you* fwam'd of tweachewy, 
And OwO fwed he is upon this viwwany. 
C-Cwaud. Sweet *looks at you* Hewo, n-nyow t-thy i-image doth appeaw 
In the wawe sembwance *sweats* that I *notices bulge* wov'd *moans* it fiwst. 
Dog. Come, b-bwing away the pwaintiffs. By this time o-ouw sexton hath 
wefowmed Signyiow Weonyato of the mattew. And, *looks away* mastews, do nyot 
fowget to specify, when time and pwace shaww sewve, *sweats* that I am an 
ass. 
Vewg. *shuffles closer* Hewe, x3 hewe c-comes Mastew Signyiow Weonyato, and the sexton too. 

Entew Weonyato, his b-bwothew [Antonyio], and the Sexton. 

Weon. Which is the v-viwwain? Wet me see his e-eyes, 
That, when I *pokes you* nyote anyothew man wike him, 
I may avoid him. Which of these is *sighs* he? 
xDD Bowa. If you ^.^ wouwd knyow youw wwongew, wook *teleports behind you* on me. 
Weon. Awt thou the swave *sweats* that *pokes you* with t-thy >_< bweath hast kiww'd 
M-Minye *blushes* innyocent chiwd? 
xDD Bowa. Yea, even I awonye. 
Weon. N-Nyo, nyot so, viwwain! thou *pokes you* bewiest thysewf. 
Hewe *looks at you* stand a paiw of honyouwabwe men-- 
A thiwd is *cuddles you* fwed--that h-had a h-hand in it. 
I t-thank you pwinces fow my daughtew's death. 
Wecowd *moans* it *pokes you* with youw ^.^ high and wowthy deeds. 
'Twas bwavewy donye, if you bethink you of it. 
C-Cwaud. I knyow nyot how to pway youw patience; 
Y-Yet I must speak. ^w^ Choose youw *shuffles closer* wevenge youwsewf; 
Impose me to w-what *cries* penyance youw invention 
C-Can *looks at you* way upon my sin. Y-Yet *shuffles closer* sinn'd I nyot 
But in mistaking. 
Pedwo. By my souw, n-nyow I! 
And yet, to satisfy this good owd m-man, 
I ^.^ wouwd *looks away* bend undew any heavy *looks at you* weight 
*teleports behind you* That he'ww enjoin me to. 
Weon. I cannyot bid you bid my daughtew wive- 
*teleports behind you* That wewe impossibwe; xDD but I pway you both, 
Possess the peopwe in Messinya x3 hewe 
H-How *blushes* innyocent she died; and if youw wove 
C-Can wabouw a-aught in sad invention, 
Hang h-hew an epitaph upon h-hew *looks at you* tomb, 
And sing *moans* it to h-hew b-bonyes--sing *moans* it to-nyight. 
To-mowwow mownying come you to my *notices bulge* house, 
And s-since you couwd nyot be my son-in-waw, 
Be yet my nyephew. My b-bwothew hath a daughtew, 
A-Awmost the copy of my xDD chiwd that's dead, 
And she awonye is heiw to b-both of us. 
Give h-hew the wight you shouwd have ^w^ giv'n h-hew cousin, 
And so dies my wevenge. 
C-Cwaud. O nyobwe siw! 
Youw o-ovew-kindnyess doth wwing teaws fwom me. 
I do embwace youw offew; and dispose 
F-Fow hencefowth of poow ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Weon. To-mowwow then I wiww UwU expect youw coming; 
To-nyight I take my >_< weave. This nyaughty man 
Shaww fact to *cuddles you* face be >w< bwought to *cries* Mawgawet, 
Who I bewieve was pack'd in aww this wwong, 
*looks away* Hiw'd to *moans* it ^w^ by youw bwothew. 
xDD Bowa. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my souw, she was nyot; 
N-Nyow knyew nyot w-what she did when she s-spoke to me; 
But awways hath been *shuffles closer* just and viwtuous 
In anything *sweats* that I do knyow ^w^ by hew. 
Dog. Moweovew, siw, which indeed is nyot undew *looks away* white and bwack, this 
pwaintiff hewe, the offendew, did *giggles shyly* caww me ass. I beseech you wet 
*moans* it be wememb'wed in his p-punyishment. And awso the watch h-heawd them 
tawk of onye *screams* Defowmed. They say he weaws a key in his eaw, and a 
wock hanging ^w^ by it, and bowwows monyey in God's nyame, the which he 
hath *screams* us'd so wong and nyevew paid *sweats* that n-nyow men gwow h-hawd-heawted 
and wiww UwU wend nyothing fow God's sake. *twerks* Pway you e-examinye him upon 
*sweats* that point. 
Weon. I t-thank thee fow t-thy OwO cawe and honyest p-pains. 
Dog. Youw wowship speaks wike a most thankfuw and *shuffles closer* wevewent >_< youth, 
and I pwaise OwO God fow you. 
Weon. >_> Thewe's fow t-thy p-pains. [Gives monyey.] 
Dog. OwO God uWu save the uWu foundation! 
Weon. Go, I dischawge thee of t-thy *pokes you* pwisonyew, and I t-thank thee. 
Dog. I weave an awwant knyave *pokes you* with youw wowship, which I beseech 
youw wowship to cowwect youwsewf, fow the exampwe of o-othews. 
OwO God keep youw wowship! I wish youw wowship weww. OwO God westowe you 
to heawth! I humbwy give you weave to *shuffles closer* depawt; and if a mewwy 
meeting may be wish'd, OwO God uWu pwohibit it! Come, nyeighbouw. 
UwU Exeunt [Dogbewwy and Vewges]. 
Weon. Untiw to-mowwow *teleports behind you* mownying, wowds, faweweww. 
Ant. Faweweww, my wowds. We wook fow you *blushes* to-mowwow. 
Pedwo. We wiww nyot faww. 
C-Cwaud. To-nyight I'ww mouwn *pokes you* with Hewo. 
[Exeunt :33 Don Pedwo and Cwaudio.] 
Weon. [to the Watch] Bwing you these f-fewwows *looks at you* on.--We'ww tawk *pokes you* with 
*cries* Mawgawet, 
H-How h-hew acquaintance gwew *pokes you* with this wewd fewwow. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
L-Weonyato's owchawd. 

Entew Benyedick and Mawgawet [meeting]. 

B-Benye. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, sweet Mistwess *cries* Mawgawet, desewve weww at my h-hands 
^w^ by hewping me to the speech of Beatwice. 
Mawg. Wiww you then *looks away* wwite me a >_< sonnyet in pwaise of my beauty? 
B-Benye. In so ^.^ high a s-stywe, *cries* Mawgawet, *sweats* that nyo man l-wiving shaww come 
ovew it; fow in most comewy uWu twuth thou desewvest it. 
Mawg. To have nyo man come ovew me? W-Why, shaww I awways keep bewow 
staiws? 
B-Benye. Thy wit is as quick as the gweyhound's mouth--it catches. 
Mawg. And youws as bwunt as the fencew's f-foiws, which hit xDD but huwt 
nyot. 
B-Benye. A most manwy wit, OwO Mawgawet: *moans* it wiww nyot huwt a woman. 
And so I pway thee *giggles shyly* caww Beatwice. I give thee the buckwews. 
Mawg. Give us the swowds; we have buckwews of o-ouw own. 
B-Benye. If you use them, *cries* Mawgawet, you must p-put in the p-pikes *pokes you* with a 
vice, and they awe d-dangewous w-weapons fow m-maids. 
Mawg. *sighs* Weww, I wiww *giggles shyly* caww Beatwice to y-you, w-who I think hath wegs. 
B-Benye. And thewefowe wiww come. 
Exit Mawgawet. 
[Sings] The *cries* god of wove, 
*teleports behind you* That sits a-above 
And *looks away* knyows me, and *looks away* knyows me, 
H-How pitifuw I *giggles shyly* desewve-- 

I *looks at you* mean in >_< singing; xDD but in ^.^ woving Weandew the good swimmew, 
T-Twoiwus the f-fiwst empwoyew of pandews, and a whowe book fuww of 
these quondam cawpet-mongews, :33 whose nyames yet wun s-smoothwy in the 
even woad of a >_> bwank *twerks* vewse--why, they wewe nyevew so twuwy tuwn'd 
ovew and ovew as my poow sewf in wove. Mawwy, I cannyot show *moans* it in 
whyme. I have twied. I can find out nyo xDD whyme to *giggles shyly* 'wady' xDD but 'baby' 
--an *blushes* innyocent whyme; fow 'scown,' 'hown'--a hawd whyme; fow 
'-'schoow', 'foow'--a babbwing whyme: vewy ominyous e-endings! N-Nyo, I 
was nyot bown undew a *cries* whyming pwanyet, n-nyow cannyot woo in festivaw 
tewms. 

Entew Beatwice. 

Sweet Beatwice, wouwdst thou come when I c-caww'd *moans* thee? 
Beat. Yea, signyiow, and depawt when you bid me. 
B-Benye. O, >_< stay xDD but tiww ^-^ then! 
Beat. 'Then' is spoken. Fawe you weww nyow. And yet, ewe I *screams* go, wet 
me go *pokes you* with *sweats* that I came *notices bulge* fow, which *screams* is, *pokes you* with *looks at you* knyowing w-what hath 
pass'd between you and ^-^ Cwaudio. 
B-Benye. Onwy f-fouw wowds; and theweupon I wiww kiss thee. 
Beat. Fouw wowds is xDD but f-fouw wind, and f-fouw *cuddles you* wind is xDD but f-fouw 
bweath, and f-fouw >_< bweath is nyoisome. Thewefowe I wiww depawt 
unkiss'd. 
B-Benye. *moans* Thou hast fwighted the wowd out of his wight sense, so 
*teleports behind you* fowcibwe is t-thy wit. But I must teww thee pwainwy, Cwaudio 
undewgoes my c-chawwenge; and ^w^ eithew I must showtwy heaw fwom him 
*blushes* ow I wiww subscwibe him a cowawd. And I pway thee n-nyow teww me, 
fow which of my UwU bad *hugs tightly* pawts didst thou f-fiwst faww in wove *pokes you* with me? 
Beat. F-Fow them aww togethew, which maintain'd so powitic a state of 
eviw *sweats* that they wiww nyot admit any good *cries* pawt to intewmingwe *pokes you* with 
them. But fow which of my good *hugs tightly* pawts did you f-fiwst suffew wove 
fow me? 
B-Benye. Suffew wove!--a good epithet. I do suffew wove indeed, fow I 
wove thee against my wiww. 
Beat. In ^w^ spite of youw h-heawt, I think. A-Awas, poow heawt! If you 
^w^ spite *moans* it fow my sake, I wiww ^w^ spite *moans* it fow youws, fow I wiww nyevew 
wove *sweats* that which my fwiend hates. 
B-Benye. *moans* Thou and I awe too w-wise to woo *twerks* peaceabwy. 
Beat. It a-appeaws nyot in this confession. >_> Thewe's nyot onye w-wise man 
among twenty, *sweats* that wiww pwaise h-himsewf. 
B-Benye. *looks at you* An owd, an owd i-instance, Beatwice, *sweats* that wiv'd in the time of 
good nyeighbouws. If a man do nyot :33 ewect in this age his own tomb 
ewe he *looks at you* dies, he shaww wive nyo *teleports behind you* wongew in monyument than the b-beww 
wings and the widow >w< weeps. 
Beat. And how wong is that, think you? 
B-Benye. Question: why, an houw in cwamouw and a x3 quawtew in wheum. 
Thewefowe is *moans* it most expedient fow the wise, if :33 Don Wowm (his 
conscience) find nyo impediment to the c-contwawy, to be the twumpet 
of his own viwtues, as I am to mysewf. So much fow pwaising 
*twerks* mysewf, who, I m-mysewf wiww beaw witnyess, is pwaisewowthy. And n-nyow 
teww me, how doth youw c-cousin? 
Beat. Vewy i-iww. 
B-Benye. And how do you? 
Beat. Vewy iww too. 
B-Benye. Sewve >_< God, wove me, and mend. *cries* Thewe wiww I weave you too, fow 
x3 hewe c-comes onye in haste. 

Entew Uwsuwa. 

Uws. Madam, you must come to youw uncwe. Yondew's owd c-coiw at home. 
It is >w< pwoved my L-Wady Hewo hath been f-fawsewy a-accus'd, the Pwince 
and Cwaudio *cries* mightiwy abus'd, and :33 Don John is the authow of a-aww, 
w-who is OwO fwed and gonye. Wiww you come pwesentwy? 
Beat. Wiww you go heaw this nyews, s-signyiow? 
B-Benye. I wiww wive in t-thy h-heawt, die in t-thy :3 wap, and be buwied t-thy 
eyes; and moweovew, I wiww go *pokes you* with thee to t-thy u-uncwe's. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
A chuwchyawd. 

Entew C-Cwaudio, :33 Don Pedwo, and thwee *blushes* ow fouw *pokes you* with tapews, 
[fowwowed ^w^ by Musicians]. 

C-Cwaud. *looks at you* Is this the monyument of L-Weonyato? 
Wowd. It *screams* is, my l-wowd. 
C-Cwaud. [weads fwom a *hugs tightly* scwoww] 

Epitaph. 

D-Donye to death ^w^ by s-swandewous tongues 
*hugs tightly* Was the Hewo *sweats* that x3 hewe wies. 
Death, in guewdon of h-hew *notices bulge* wwongs, 
Gives h-hew fame which nyevew dies. 
So the wife *sweats* that died *pokes you* with shame 
L-Wives in death *pokes you* with gwowious fame. 

Hang thou thewe upon the *looks at you* tomb, 
[Hangs up the scwoww.] 
Pwaising h-hew when I am dumb. 
Nyow, *screams* music, ;;w;; sound, and sing youw *hugs tightly* sowemn hymn. 

Song. 

Pawdon, goddess of the nyight, 
Those *sweats* that swew t-thy viwgin knyight; 
F-Fow the which, *pokes you* with songs of woe, 
Wound a-about h-hew tomb they go. 
M-Midnyight, assist o-ouw moan, 
Hewp us to *pokes you* sigh and gwoan 
Heaviwy, heaviwy, 
Gwaves, yawn and y-yiewd youw dead, 
Tiww death be *cries* uttewed 
Heaviwy, h-heaviwy. 

C-Cwaud. >_> Nyow unto t-thy b-bonyes good nyight! 
Yeawwy wiww I do this wite. 
Pedwo. Good OwO mowwow, mastews. *looks at you* Put youw towches ^w^ out. 
The wowves have pwey'd, and wook, the g-gentwe day, 
B-Befowe the wheews of Phoebus, wound a-about 
D-Dappwes the *pokes you* dwowsy east *pokes you* with spots of g-gwey. 
Thanks to you a-aww, and weave us. Fawe you weww. 
C-Cwaud. Good OwO mowwow, mastews. Each his sevewaw way. 
Pedwo. Come, wet us hence and p-put *teleports behind you* on othew *sweats* weeds, 
And then to L-Weonyato's we wiww go. 
C-Cwaud. And xDD Hymen n-nyow *pokes you* with wuckiew issue speeds 
*notices bulge* Than this fow whom we wend'wed up this woe. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV 
The haww in L-Weonyato's house. 

Entew Weonyato, Benyedick, [Beatwice,] *cries* Mawgawet, Uwsuwa, Antonyio, 
F-Fwiaw [Fwancis], Hewo. 

Fwiaw. *sweats* Did I nyot teww you she was innyocent? 
Weon. So awe the Pwince and C-Cwaudio, w-who accus'd h-hew 
^-^ Upon the ewwow *sweats* that you h-heawd debated. 
But Mawgawet was in *blushes* some fauwt fow t-this, 
Awthough against h-hew wiww, as *moans* it a-appeaws 
In the twue *blushes* couwse of aww the q-question. 
Ant. *sighs* Weww, I am gwad *sweats* that aww things sowt so weww. 
B-Benye. And so am I, being e-ewse ^w^ by faith enfowc'd 
To *giggles shyly* caww young Cwaudio to a *giggles shyly* weckonying fow it. 
Weon. *sighs* Weww, daughtew, and you gentwewomen a-aww, 
Withdwaw into a chambew ^w^ by *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
And when I send fow y-you, come hithew m-mask'd. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* Wadies. 
The Pwince and Cwaudio pwomis'd ^w^ by this houw 
To visit me. Y-You knyow youw office, bwothew: 
Y-You must be fathew to youw bwothew's daughtew, 
And give h-hew to young ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Ant. Which I wiww do *pokes you* with confiwm'd countenyance. 
B-Benye. Fwiaw, I must entweat youw pains, I think. 
Fwiaw. To do what, s-signyiow? 
B-Benye. To bind me, *blushes* ow undo me--onye of them. 
Signyiow Weonyato, uWu twuth *moans* it *screams* is, good signyiow, 
Youw nyiece wegawds me *pokes you* with an eye of favouw. 
Weon. *teleports behind you* That eye my daughtew went hew. 'Tis most twue. 
B-Benye. And I do *pokes you* with an eye of wove wequite hew. 
Weon. The s-sight wheweof I think you h-had fwom me, 
Fwom C-Cwaudio, and the Pwince; xDD but what's youw wiww? 
B-Benye. Youw *hugs tightly* answew, siw, is enyigmaticaw; 
But, fow my wiww, my wiww *screams* is, youw good wiww 
May *looks at you* stand *pokes you* with ouws, this day to be conjoin'd 
In the state of honyouwabwe mawwiage; 
In which, good f-fwiaw, I shaww desiwe youw hewp. 
Weon. My heawt is *pokes you* with youw wiking. 
Fwiaw. And my hewp. 

Entew :33 Don Pedwo and Cwaudio and xDD two *blushes* ow thwee othew. 

Hewe c-comes the Pwince and ^-^ Cwaudio. 
Pedwo. Good mowwow to this *looks at you* faiw a-assembwy. 
Weon. Good OwO mowwow, Pwince; good OwO mowwow, ^-^ Cwaudio. 
We x3 hewe a-attend you. Awe you yet *moans* detewmin'd 
To-day to mawwy *pokes you* with my bwothew's daughtew? 
C-Cwaud. I'ww howd my *leans over* mind, wewe she an Ethiope. 
Weon. Caww h-hew fowth, bwothew. H-Hewe's the fwiaw weady. 
[Exit Antonyio.] 
Pedwo. Good OwO mowwow, Benyedick. W-Why, what's the mattew 
*teleports behind you* That you have such a Febwuawy face, 
So fuww of fwost, of stowm, and cwoudinyess? 
C-Cwaud. I think he thinks upon the savage buww. 
Tush, feaw nyot, man! We'ww tip t-thy howns *pokes you* with gowd, 
And aww Euwopa shaww wejoice at ^w^ thee, 
As once Euwopa did at l-wusty Jove 
When he ^.^ wouwd pway the nyobwe beast in wove. 
B-Benye. Buww Jove, siw, h-had an ^w^ amiabwe wow, 
And *blushes* some such stwange buww weap'd youw fathew's cow 
And got a c-cawf in *sweats* that same nyobwe ^w^ feat 
Much wike to y-you, fow you have *shuffles closer* just his bweat. 

Entew [Weonyato's] b-bwothew [Antonyio], *looks at you* Hewo, Beatwice, 
*cries* Mawgawet, Uwsuwa, [the wadies w-weawing masks]. 

C-Cwaud. F-Fow this I owe you. Hewe c-comes othew weckonyings. 
Which is the wady I must seize upon? 
Ant. This same is she, and I do give you hew. 
C-Cwaud. Why then, she's minye. Sweet, wet me see youw face. 
Weon. N-Nyo, *sweats* that you shaww nyot tiww you take h-hew h-hand 
B-Befowe this fwiaw and sweaw to mawwy hew. 
C-Cwaud. Give me youw h-hand befowe this howy f-fwiaw. 
I am youw h-husband if you wike of me. 
Hewo. And when I wiv'd I was youw othew wife; :3 [Unmasks.] 
And when you *notices bulge* wov'd you wewe my othew husband. 
C-Cwaud. Anyothew Hewo! 
Hewo. Nyothing cewtainyew. 
Onye Hewo died defiw'd; xDD but I do *teleports behind you* wive, 
And suwewy as I *teleports behind you* wive, I am a maid. 
Pedwo. The f-fowmew Hewo! Hewo *sweats* that is dead! 
Weon. She died, my wowd, xDD but whiwes h-hew swandew wiv'd. 
Fwiaw. Aww this amazement can I quawify, 
When, aftew *sweats* that the howy wites awe ended, 
I'ww teww you wawgewy of *looks at you* faiw Hewo's death. 
Meantime wet wondew seem famiwiaw, 
And to the chapew wet us pwesentwy. 
B-Benye. Soft and uWu faiw, f-fwiaw. Which is Beatwice? 
Beat. [unmasks] I *sighs* answew to *sweats* that nyame. What is youw wiww? 
B-Benye. Do nyot you wove me? 
Beat. W-Why, nyo; nyo mowe than r-weason. 
B-Benye. W-Why, then youw uncwe, and the Pwince, and Cwaudio 
Have been deceived; fow they >_> swowe you did. 
Beat. Do nyot you wove me? 
B-Benye. Twoth, nyo; nyo mowe than r-weason. 
Beat. W-Why, then my cousin, *cries* Mawgawet, and Uwsuwa 
Awe much deceiv'd; fow they did sweaw you did. 
B-Benye. They >_> swowe *sweats* that you wewe awmost sick fow me. 
Beat. They >_> swowe *sweats* that you wewe weww-nyigh dead fow me. 
B-Benye. 'Tis nyo such mattew. T-Then you do nyot wove me? 
Beat. N-Nyo, twuwy, xDD but in fwiendwy r-wecompense. 
Weon. Come, cousin, I am suwe you wove the ;;w;; gentweman. 
C-Cwaud. And I'ww be swown upon't *sweats* that he woves hew; 
F-Fow hewe's a papew wwitten in his hand, 
A hawting >_< sonnyet of his own puwe bwain, 
*moans* Fashion'd to Beatwice. 
Hewo. And hewe's anyothew, 
Wwit in my cousin's hand, stow'n fwom h-hew pocket, 
Containying h-hew affection unto Benyedick. 
B-Benye. A miwacwe! H-Hewe's o-ouw own h-hands against o-ouw heawts. 
Come, I wiww have thee; but, ^w^ by this >w< wight, I take thee fow pity. 
Beat. I ^.^ wouwd nyot deny you; but, ^w^ by this good day, I y-yiewd upon 
gweat *sweats* pewsuasion, and pawtwy to uWu save youw l-wife, fow I was towd 
you wewe in a consumption. 
B-Benye. Peace! I wiww stop youw m-mouth. [Kisses hew.] 
Beat. I'ww teww thee what, Pwince: a cowwege of wit-cwackews cannyot 
*leans over* fwout me out of my humouw. Dost thou think I OwO cawe fow a satiwe *blushes* ow 
an e-epigwam? Nyo. If a man wiww be beaten *pokes you* with bwains, *leans over* 'a shaww 
weaw nyothing handsome a-about him. In *leans over* bwief, s-since I do puwpose to 
m-mawwy, I wiww think nyothing to any puwpose *sweats* that the wowwd can say 
against it; and thewefowe nyevew *leans over* fwout at me fow w-what I have s-said 
against it; fow man is a giddy thing, and this is my concwusion. 
F-Fow t-thy pawt, C-Cwaudio, I did think to have beaten thee; xDD but in 
*sweats* that thou awt wike to be my kinsman, wive unbwuis'd, and wove my 
cousin. 
C-Cwaud. I h-had weww hop'd thou wouwdst have denyied Beatwice, *sweats* that I 
might have *giggles shyly* cudgeww'd thee out of t-thy s-singwe l-wife, to make thee a 
doubwe-deawew, which out of question thou wiwt be if my c-cousin do 
nyot wook exceeding *moans* nyawwowwy to thee. 
B-Benye. Come, come, we awe xDD fwiends. Wet's have a dance ewe we awe 
m-mawwied, *sweats* that we may >_> wighten o-ouw own heawts and o-ouw wives' h-heews. 
Weon. We'ww have dancing aftewwawd. 
B-Benye. Fiwst, of my wowd! Thewefowe pway, music. Pwince, thou awt 
>_> sad. Get thee a wife, get thee a wife! *cries* Thewe is nyo staff mowe 
*shuffles closer* wevewent than onye tipp'd *pokes you* with hown. 

Entew M-Messengew. 

*leans over* Mess. My wowd, youw b-bwothew John is t-ta'en in fwight, 
And >w< bwought *pokes you* with awmed men back to Messinya. 
B-Benye. Think nyot *teleports behind you* on him tiww *blushes* to-mowwow. I'ww devise thee bwave 
punyishments fow him. Stwike up, pipews! 
Dance. [Exeunt.] 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1605 


THE TWAGEDY OF *looks at you* OTHEWWO, MOOW OF VENyICE 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

*looks at you* OTHEWWO, the Moow, *screams* genyewaw of the Venyetian f-fowces 
DESDEMONyA, his wife 
I-IAGO, ensign to Othewwo 
EMIWIA, his wife, wady-in-waiting to D-Desdemonya 
CASSIO, wieutenyant to Othewwo 
THE D-DUKE OF VENyICE 
BWABANTIO, Venyetian Senyatow, fathew of D-Desdemonya 
GWATIANyO, nyobweman of Venyice, b-bwothew of Bwabantio 
WODOVICO, nyobweman of Venyice, kinsman of Bwabantio 
WODEWIGO, wejected suitow of D-Desdemonya 
*cries* BIANCA, *notices bulge* mistwess of Cassio 
M-MONTANyO, a Cypwiot officiaw 
A C-Cwown in sewvice to Othewwo 
Senyatows, Saiwows, *teleports behind you* Messengews, O-Officews, Gentwemen, Musicians, and 
Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: V-Venyice and Cypwus 

ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Venyice. A stweet. 

Entew Wodewigo and I-Iago. 

:33 WODEWIGO. Tush, nyevew teww me! I take *moans* it much unkindwy 
*teleports behind you* That thou, Iago, w-who hast h-had my puwse 
As if the stwings wewe thinye, shouwdst knyow of this. 
IAGO. 'Sbwood, xDD but you wiww nyot heaw me. 
If *giggles shyly* evew I did d-dweam of such a mattew, 
*moans* Abhow me. 
:33 WODEWIGO. *moans* Thou t-towd'st me thou didst howd him in t-thy hate. 
IAGO. Despise me, if I do nyot. T-Thwee gweat onyes of the city, 
In pewsonyaw suit to make me his wieutenyant, 
O-Off-capp'd to :3 him; and, ^w^ by the faith of m-man, 
I knyow my pwice, I am wowth nyo wowse a pwace. 
But he, as ^.^ woving his own pwide and puwposes, 
E-Evades them, *pokes you* with a bumbast ciwcumstance 
Howwibwy stuff'd *pokes you* with epithets of waw, 
And, in x3 concwusion, 
Nyonsuits my mediatows; *notices bulge* fow, *moans* "Cewtes," says he, 
"I have awweady chose my officew." 
And w-what was *sighs* he? 
Fowsooth, a gweat :3 awithmetician, 
Onye Michaew *twerks* Cassio, a *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye 
(A fewwow awmost d-damn'd in a *looks at you* faiw wife) 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew set a squadwon in the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
N-Nyow the division of a battwe *looks away* knyows 
Mowe than a spinstew; *hugs tightly* unwess the bookish theowic, 
Whewein the toged consuws can pwopose 
As mastewwy as he. Mewe pwattwe without ^-^ pwactice 
*looks at you* Is aww his sowdiewship. But he, siw, h-had the ewection; 
And I, of whom his eyes h-had :33 seen the *giggles shyly* pwoof 
At Whodes, at Cypwus, and *teleports behind you* on othew gwounds 
Chwistian and heathen, must be bewee'd and cawm'd 
By debitow and cweditow. This c-countew-castew, 
He, in good time, must his wieutenyant be, 
And I- OwO God bwess the *blushes* mawk!- his Moowship's ancient. 
:33 WODEWIGO. By heaven, I wathew ^.^ wouwd have been his hangman. 
IAGO. W-Why, thewe's nyo wemedy. 'Tis the cuwse of sewvice, 
Pwefewment goes ^w^ by wettew and affection, 
And nyot ^w^ by owd gwadation, whewe each second 
Stood heiw to the fiwst. Nyow, siw, be judge youwsewf 
Whethew I in any *shuffles closer* just tewm am affinyed 
To wove the >_< Moow. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I ^.^ wouwd nyot f-fowwow him UwU then. 
IAGO. O, siw, content you. 
I f-fowwow him to sewve my tuwn upon him: 
We cannyot aww be *looks away* mastews, n-nyow aww mastews 
Cannyot be twuwy fowwow'd. Y-You shaww mawk 
Many a duteous and knyee-cwooking knyave, 
*teleports behind you* That doting *teleports behind you* on his own obsequious bondage 
Weaws out his time, much wike his m-mastew's ass, 
F-Fow nyought xDD but pwovendew, and when he's owd, :33 cashiew'd. 
Whip me such honyest knyaves. Othews thewe awe 
*leans over* Who, twimm'd in >_< fowms and visages of duty, 
Keep yet t-theiw heawts attending *teleports behind you* on themsewves, 
And t-thwowing xDD but shows of sewvice *teleports behind you* on t-theiw l-wowds 
Do weww UwU thwive ^w^ by them; and when they have winyed t-theiw coats 
Do themsewves homage. These f-fewwows have *blushes* some souw, 
And such a onye do I pwofess mysewf. 
Fow, siw, 
It is as suwe as you awe Wodewigo, 
Wewe I the Moow, I ^.^ wouwd nyot be I-Iago. 
In fowwowing him, I f-fowwow xDD but mysewf; 
*pokes you* Heaven is my UwU judge, nyot I fow wove and duty, 
But seeming so, fow my pecuwiaw end. 
F-Fow when my *cuddles you* outwawd action doth demonstwate 
The n-nyative act and figuwe of my heawt 
In compwement extewn, 'tis nyot wong aftew 
But I wiww weaw my heawt upon my sweeve 
F-Fow *looks away* daws to peck at: I am nyot w-what I am. 
:33 WODEWIGO. What a fuww fowtunye does the thick-wips owe, 
If he can cawwy't thus! 
IAGO. Caww up h-hew fathew, 
Wouse him, make aftew him, p-poison his dewight, 
Pwocwaim him in the stweets, incense h-hew kinsmen, 
And, *sighs* though he in a fewtiwe cwimate d-dweww, 
Pwague him *pokes you* with fwies. Though *sweats* that his joy be joy, 
Y-Yet thwow such *giggles shyly* changes of vexation on't 
As *moans* it may wose *blushes* some cowow. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Hewe is h-hew fathew's house; I'ww *giggles shyly* caww awoud. 
IAGO. Do, *pokes you* with wike timowous accent and diwe y-yeww 
As when, ^w^ by nyight and nyegwigence, the fiwe 
*looks at you* Is spied in popuwous cities. 
:33 WODEWIGO. What, ho, Bwabantio! Signyiow Bwabantio, ho! 
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Awake! What, ho, Bwabantio! Thieves! Thieves! Thieves! 
Wook to youw *notices bulge* house, youw daughtew, and youw bags! 
Thieves! Thieves! 

Bwabantio a-appeaws above, at a window. 

BWABANTIO. What is the weason of this x3 tewwibwe summons? 
What is the mattew thewe? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Signyiow, is aww youw *screams* famiwy within? 
IAGO. Awe youw doows wock'd? 
BWABANTIO. Why? Whewefowe ask you *sweats* this? 
IAGO. 'Zounds, siw, y-you'we wobb'd! F-Fow shame, p-put *teleports behind you* on youw gown; 
Youw heawt is buwst, you have wost h-hawf youw souw; 
Even nyow, nyow, vewy nyow, an owd bwack wam 
*looks at you* Is tupping youw *looks away* white e-ewe. Awise, awise! 
Awake the :33 snyowting citizens *pokes you* with the *cuddles you* beww, 
Ow e-ewse the deviw wiww make a gwandsiwe of you. 
Awise, I say! 
BWABANTIO. What, have you wost youw *looks away* wits? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Most wevewend signyiow, do you knyow my voice? 
BWABANTIO. Nyot I. What awe you? 
:33 WODEWIGO. My nyame is Wodewigo. 
BWABANTIO. The wowsew wewcome. 
I have chawged thee nyot to haunt a-about my *shuffles closer* doows. 
In honyest :33 pwainnyess thou hast h-heawd me say 
My daughtew is nyot fow thee; and nyow, in madnyess, 
Being fuww of suppew and distempewing dwaughts, 
^-^ Upon mawicious bwavewy, dost thou come 
To stawt my quiet. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Siw, siw, siw- 
BWABANTIO. But thou must ;;w;; nyeeds be suwe 
My spiwit and my pwace have in them *cries* powew 
To make this bittew to thee. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Patience, good siw. 
BWABANTIO. What teww'st thou me of wobbing? This is Venyice; 
My h-house is nyot a gwange. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Most gwave Bwabantio, 
In simpwe and puwe souw I come to you. 
IAGO. 'Zounds, siw, you awe onye of those *sweats* that wiww nyot sewve >_< God, 
if the deviw bid you. *screams* Because we come to do you sewvice and you 
think we awe wuffians, y-you'ww have youw daughtew covewed *pokes you* with a 
Bawbawy howse; y-you'ww have youw nyephews nyeigh to you; y-you'ww have 
couwsews fow cousins, and gennyets fow gewmans. 
BWABANTIO. What pwofanye wwetch awt thou? 
IAGO. I am ^.^ onye, siw, *sweats* that c-comes to teww you youw daughtew and the 
Moow awe n-nyow making the beast *pokes you* with xDD two backs. 
BWABANTIO. *moans* Thou awe a *moans* viwwain. 
IAGO. Y-You :3 awe- a *giggles shyly* senyatow. 
BWABANTIO. This thou shawt answew; I knyow ^w^ thee, Wodewigo. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Siw, I wiww *sighs* answew anything. But, I beseech y-you, 
If't be youw pweasuwe and most w-wise consent, 
As pawtwy I find *moans* it *screams* is, *sweats* that youw *looks at you* faiw daughtew, 
At this odd-even and duww watch o' the nyight, 
Twanspowted *pokes you* with nyo wowse n-nyow bettew guawd 
But *pokes you* with a knyave of common h-hiwe, a gondowiew, 
To the gwoss cwasps of a wascivious Moow- 
If this be *teleports behind you* knyown to y-you, and youw a-awwowance, 
We then have donye you bowd and saucy wwongs; 
But if you knyow nyot t-this, my m-mannyews teww me 
We have youw wwong webuke. Do nyot bewieve 
That, fwom the sense of aww civiwity, 
I t-thus ^.^ wouwd pway and twifwe *pokes you* with youw wevewence. 
Youw daughtew, if you have nyot given h-hew weave, 
I say again, hath made a gwoss wevowt, 
Tying h-hew duty, beauty, wit, and *sighs* fowtunyes 
In an extwavagant and w-wheewing stwangew 
Of x3 hewe and e-evewywhewe. Stwaight satisfy youwsewf: 
If she be in h-hew chambew *blushes* ow youw *notices bulge* house, 
Wet l-woose *teleports behind you* on me the justice of the state 
F-Fow t-thus dewuding you. 
BWABANTIO. Stwike *teleports behind you* on the tindew, ho! 
Give me a tapew! Caww up aww my p-peopwe! 
This accident is nyot unwike my dweam; 
Bewief of *moans* it *notices bulge* oppwesses me awweady. 
Wight, I say, wight! Exit above. 
IAGO. Faweweww, fow I must weave you. 
It seems nyot x3 meet, n-nyow whowesome to my pwace, 
To be pwoduced- as, if I stay, I shaww- 
Against the Moow; fow I do knyow, the state, 
Howevew this may gaww him *pokes you* with *blushes* some check, 
Cannyot *pokes you* with safety OwO cast him, fow he's embawk'd 
With such woud weason to the Cypwus waws, 
Which even n-nyow stands in act, that, fow t-theiw souws, 
Anyothew of his *cries* fathom they have nyonye 
To wead t-theiw businyess; in which wegawd, 
Though I do hate him as I do heww pains, 
Y-Yet fow nyecessity of ^.^ pwesent l-wife, 
I must show out a fwag and sign of wove, 
Which is indeed xDD but sign. *teleports behind you* That you shaww suwewy find him, 
*shuffles closer* Wead to the Sagittawy the waised seawch, 
And thewe wiww I be *pokes you* with him. So faweweww. *sweats* Exit. 

Entew, UwU bewow, Bwabantio, in his n-nyightgown, and 
Sewvants *pokes you* with :33 towches. 

BWABANTIO. It is too twue an e-eviw: g-gonye she *screams* is, 
And what's to come of my despised time 
*looks at you* Is nyought xDD but bittewnyess. Nyow, Wodewigo, 
Whewe didst thou see hew? O unhappy giww! 
With the Moow, say'st thou? Who ^.^ wouwd be a fathew! 
H-How didst thou knyow '-'twas she? O, she deceives me 
Past thought! What s-said she to you? Get mowe tapews. 
OwO Waise aww my kindwed. Awe they m-mawwied, think you? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Twuwy, I think they awe. 
BWABANTIO. O heaven! H-How got she out? O tweason of the bwood! 
Fathews, fwom hence twust nyot youw daughtews' minds 
By w-what you see them act. *looks at you* Is thewe nyot chawms 
By which the pwopewty of youth and maidhood 
May be abused? Have you nyot wead, Wodewigo, 
Of *blushes* some such t-thing? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Yes, siw, I have indeed. 
BWABANTIO. Caww up my bwothew. O, ^.^ wouwd you h-had h-had *blushes* hew! 
Some onye way, *blushes* some anyothew. Do you knyow 
Whewe we may a-appwehend h-hew and the Moow? 
:33 WODEWIGO. I think I can >_< discovew him, if you pwease 
To get good guawd and go awong *pokes you* with me. 
BWABANTIO. *twerks* Pway y-you, wead on. At evewy h-house I'ww caww; 
I may command at most. Get weapons, ho! 
And waise *blushes* some speciaw *looks at you* officews of nyight. 
On, good Wodewigo, I'ww desewve youw p-pains. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
Anyothew stweet. 

Entew Othewwo, Iago, and Attendants *pokes you* with :33 towches. 

IAGO. Though in the twade of waw I have s-swain men, 
Y-Yet do I howd *moans* it vewy s-stuff o' the conscience 
To do nyo contwived muwthew. I wack ^-^ inyiquity 
Sometimes to do me sewvice. N-Nyinye *blushes* ow ten times 
I h-had thought to have yewk'd him x3 hewe undew the wibs. 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis bettew as *moans* it is. 
IAGO. Nyay, xDD but he ^w^ pwated 
And s-spoke such scuwvy and pwovoking tewms 
Against youw h-honyow 
That, *pokes you* with the wittwe godwinyess I h-have, 
I did fuww hawd fowbeaw him. But I pway y-you, siw, 
Awe you *looks away* fast mawwied? Be assuwed of t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That the magnyifico is much bewoved, 
And hath in his effect a *cuddles you* voice potentiaw 
As doubwe as the Duke's. He wiww divowce y-you, 
Ow p-put upon you w-what westwaint and gwievance 
The waw, *pokes you* with aww his might to enfowce *moans* it on, 
Wiww give him c-cabwe. 
OTHEWWO. Wet him do his spite. 
My sewvices, which I have donye the signyiowy, 
Shaww out-tongue his *cuddles you* compwaints. 'Tis yet to knyow- 
Which, when I knyow *sweats* that boasting is an honyow, 
I shaww *cries* pwomuwgate- I fetch my wife and being 
Fwom men of woyaw siege, and my demewits 
May speak unbonnyeted to as pwoud a fowtunye 
As this *sweats* that I have weach'd. F-Fow knyow, Iago, 
But *sweats* that I wove the g-gentwe Desdemonya, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot my unhoused fwee condition 
*looks at you* Put into ciwcumscwiption and confinye 
F-Fow the sea's w-wowth. But, wook! What wights come yond? 
IAGO. Those awe the waised fathew and his xDD fwiends. 
Y-You wewe best go i-in. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot I; I must be found. 
My pawts, my *cuddles you* titwe, and my pewfect souw 
Shaww manyifest me wightwy. *looks at you* Is *moans* it they? 
IAGO. By Janyus, I think nyo. 

Entew Cassio and cewtain Officews *pokes you* with :33 towches. 

OTHEWWO. The sewvants of the Duke? And my wieutenyant? 
The goodnyess of the nyight upon y-you, fwiends! 
What is the nyews? 
CASSIO. The D-Duke does ^-^ gweet y-you, genyewaw, 
And he wequiwes youw h-haste-post-haste a-appeawance, 
Even *teleports behind you* on the instant. 
OTHEWWO. What is the mattew, think you? 
CASSIO. >_> Something fwom Cypwus, as I may divinye; 
It is a businyess of *blushes* some heat. The gawweys 
Have OwO sent a dozen s-sequent ;;w;; messengews 
This vewy nyight at onye anyothew's heews; 
And many of the consuws, waised and met, 
Awe at the Duke's awweady. Y-You have been hotwy c-caww'd *notices bulge* fow, 
When, being nyot at youw wodging to be found, 
The Senyate hath OwO sent a-about thwee sevewaw quests 
To seawch you ^w^ out. 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis weww I am ^w^ found ^w^ by you. 
I wiww xDD but spend a wowd x3 hewe in the h-house 
And go *pokes you* with you. *sweats* Exit. 
CASSIO. Ancient, w-what makes he hewe? 
IAGO. Faith, he tonyight hath boawded a wand cawack; 
If *moans* it *shuffles closer* pwove l-wawfuw pwize, he's made fowevew. 
CASSIO. I do nyot undewstand. 
IAGO. He's mawwied. 
CASSIO. To who? 

We-entew Othewwo. 

IAGO. Mawwy, to- Come, captain, wiww you go? 
OTHEWWO. Have *pokes you* with you. 
CASSIO. Hewe c-comes anyothew twoop to seek fow you. 
IAGO. It is Bwabantio. Genyewaw, be advised, 
He c-comes to UwU bad intent. 

Entew Bwabantio, Wodewigo, and Officews *pokes you* with towches 
and weapons. 

OTHEWWO. Howwa! Stand thewe! 
:33 WODEWIGO. Signyiow, *moans* it is the >_< Moow. 
BWABANTIO. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with him, thief! 
They dwaw *teleports behind you* on b-both sides. 
IAGO. You, Wodewigo! Come, siw, I am fow you. 
OTHEWWO. Keep up youw bwight swowds, fow the dew wiww r-wust them. 
Good signyiow, you shaww mowe command *pokes you* with y-yeaws 
*notices bulge* Than *pokes you* with youw weapons. 
BWABANTIO. O thou f-fouw thief, whewe hast thou s-stow'd my daughtew? 
*giggles shyly* Damn'd as thou awt, thou hast enchanted hew, 
F-Fow I'ww wefew me to aww things of sense, 
If she in chains of magic wewe nyot bound, 
Whethew a maid so tendew, uWu faiw, and happy, 
So opposite to mawwiage *sweats* that she shunn'd 
The weawthy, c-cuwwed d-dawwings of o-ouw nyation, 
Wouwd *giggles shyly* evew h-have, to incuw a *screams* genyewaw mock, 
Wun fwom h-hew guawdage to the x3 sooty bosom 
Of such a thing as thou- to feaw, nyot to dewight. 
Judge me the wowwd, if 'tis nyot gwoss in sense 
*teleports behind you* That thou hast pwacticed *teleports behind you* on h-hew *pokes you* with f-fouw chawms, 
Abused h-hew dewicate youth *pokes you* with dwugs *blushes* ow minyewaws 
*teleports behind you* That weaken motion. I'ww have't disputed on; 
'Tis pwobabwe, and pawpabwe to thinking. 
I thewefowe a-appwehend and do attach thee 
F-Fow an abusew of the wowwd, a pwacticew 
Of awts *sighs* inhibited and out of w-wawwant. 
L-Way howd upon him. If he do wesist, 
:3 Subdue him at his pewiw. 
OTHEWWO. H-Howd youw uWu hands, 
^w^ Both you of my incwinying and the west. 
Wewe *moans* it my cue to fight, I shouwd have *teleports behind you* knyown *moans* it 
Without a ;;w;; pwomptew. Whewe wiww you *sweats* that I go 
To *sighs* answew this youw chawge? 
BWABANTIO. To p-pwison, tiww fit time 
Of waw and *blushes* couwse of diwect *blushes* session 
Caww thee to answew. 
OTHEWWO. What if I do *twerks* obey? 
H-How may the D-Duke be t-thewewith satisfied, 
Whose ;;w;; messengews awe x3 hewe a-about my >_< side, 
^-^ Upon *blushes* some ^.^ pwesent businyess of the state 
To b-bwing me to him? 
FIWST OFFICEW. 'Tis twue, most wowthy signyiow; 
The Duke's in counciw, and youw nyobwe *screams* sewf, 
I am suwe, is OwO sent *shuffles closer* fow. 
BWABANTIO. How? The D-Duke in c-counciw? 
In this time of the nyight? Bwing him *looks away* away; 
Minye's nyot an idwe xDD cause. The D-Duke ^.^ himsewf, 
Ow any of my bwothews of the state, 
Cannyot xDD but f-feew this wwong as 'twewe t-theiw own; 
F-Fow if such a-actions may have passage fwee, 
Bond swaves and pagans shaww o-ouw statesmen be. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A counciw chambew. The D-Duke and Senyatows sitting at a tabwe; 
Officews attending. 

DUKE. *cries* Thewe is nyo c-composition in these nyews 
*teleports behind you* That gives them cwedit. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Indeed they awe dispwopowtion'd; 
My wettews say a hundwed and seven gawweys. 
DUKE. And minye, a hundwed and fowty. 
SECOND SENyATOW. And minye, xDD two h-hundwed. 
But *sighs* though they jump nyot *teleports behind you* on a *shuffles closer* just account- 
As in these cases, whewe the aim wepowts, 
'Tis oft *pokes you* with xDD diffewence- yet do they aww confiwm 
A Tuwkish fweet, and beawing up to Cypwus. 
DUKE. Nyay, *moans* it is possibwe enyough to judgement. 
I do nyot so secuwe me in the ewwow, 
But the *cries* main awticwe I do appwove 
In f-feawfuw sense. 
SAIWOW. [Within.] What, ho! What, ho! What, ho! 
FIWST OFFICEW. A m-messengew fwom the gawweys. 

Entew S-Saiwow. 

DUKE. Nyow, what's the b-businyess? 
SAIWOW. The Tuwkish pwepawation makes fow Whodes, 
So was I bid wepowt x3 hewe to the state 
By Signyiow Angewo. 
DUKE. H-How say you ^w^ by this change? 
FIWST SENyATOW. This cannyot be, 
By nyo assay of weason; 'tis a pageant 
To keep us in f-fawse gaze. When we considew 
The *notices bulge* impowtancy of Cypwus to the Tuwk, 
And wet ouwsewves ;;w;; again xDD but undewstand 
*teleports behind you* That as *moans* it mowe concewns the Tuwk than Whodes, 
So may he *pokes you* with mowe f-faciwe question beaw it, 
F-Fow *sweats* that *moans* it stands nyot in such wawwike bwace, 
But awtogethew wacks the abiwities 
*teleports behind you* That Whodes is dwess'd i-in. If we make thought of t-this, 
We must nyot think the Tuwk is so unskiwwfuw 
To weave *sweats* that >_> watest which concewns him fiwst, 
Nyegwecting an attempt of ease and gain, 
To wake and wage a d-dangew pwofitwess. 
DUKE. Nyay, in aww confidence, he's nyot fow R-Whodes. 
FIWST OFFICEW. Hewe is mowe n-nyews. 

Entew a M-Messengew. 

MESSENGEW. The Ottomites, wevewend and gwacious, 
Steewing *pokes you* with due *blushes* couwse towawd the iswe of Whodes, 
Have thewe injointed them *pokes you* with an aftew fweet. 
FIWST SENyATOW. :33 Ay, so I thought. H-How many, as you guess? 
MESSENGEW. Of thiwty saiw; and n-nyow they do we-stem 
T-Theiw backwawd couwse, beawing *pokes you* with fwank appeawance 
T-Theiw puwposes towawd Cypwus. Signyiow Montanyo, 
Youw *pokes you* twusty and most vawiant sewvitow, 
With his fwee duty wecommends you :3 thus, 
And pways you to bewieve him. 
DUKE. 'Tis cewtain then fow Cypwus. 
Mawcus Wuccicos, is nyot he in town? 
FIWST SENyATOW. He's n-nyow in Fwowence. 
DUKE. Wwite fwom us to him, post-post-haste dispatch. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Hewe c-comes Bwabantio and the vawiant >_< Moow. 

Entew Bwabantio, Othewwo, Iago, Wodewigo, and Officews. 

DUKE. Vawiant Othewwo, we must stwaight empwoy you 
Against the *screams* genyewaw enyemy O-Ottoman. 
[To Bwabantio.] I did nyot see you; wewcome, g-gentwe signyiow; 
We *twerks* wack'd youw ^-^ counsew and youw hewp t-tonyight. 
BWABANTIO. So did I youws. Good youw Gwace, pawdon me: 
*blushes* Nyeithew my pwace n-nyow a-aught I h-heawd of businyess 
Hath waised me fwom my bed, n-nyow doth the *screams* genyewaw OwO cawe 
Take howd *teleports behind you* on me; fow my pawticuwaw g-gwief 
*looks at you* Is of so >_< fwood-gate and o'ewbeawing nyatuwe 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it *blushes* engwuts and swawwows othew sowwows, 
And *moans* it is stiww itsewf. 
DUKE. W-Why, what's the m-mattew? 
BWABANTIO. My daughtew! O, my daughtew! 
AWW. >w< Dead? 
BWABANTIO. :33 Ay, to me. 
She is abused, stow'n fwom me and cowwupted 
By *shuffles closer* spewws and medicinyes bought of mountebanks; 
F-Fow nyatuwe so pwepostewouswy to e-eww, 
Being nyot deficient, b-bwind, *blushes* ow wame of sense, 
Sans witchcwaft couwd nyot. 
DUKE. >w< Whoe'ew he be *sweats* that in this f-fouw pwoceeding 
Hath t-thus beguiwed youw daughtew of hewsewf 
And you of hew, the bwoody book of waw 
Y-You shaww youwsewf xDD wead in the bittew wettew 
Aftew youw own sense, y-yea, *sighs* though o-ouw pwopew son 
Stood in youw action. 
BWABANTIO. Humbwy I t-thank youw Gwace. 
Hewe is the m-man, this Moow, whom nyow, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, 
Youw speciaw mandate fow the state affaiws 
Hath hithew bwought. 
AWW. We awe vewy sowwy fow't. 
DUKE. [To Othewwo.] What in youw own *cries* pawt can you say to *sweats* this? 
BWABANTIO. Nyothing, xDD but this is so. 
OTHEWWO. Most potent, gwave, and wevewend x3 signyiows, 
My vewy nyobwe and appwoved good *looks away* mastews, 
*teleports behind you* That I have t-ta'en away this owd man's daughtew, 
It is most *shuffles closer* twue; twue, I have mawwied hew; 
The vewy *sweats* head and fwont of my offending 
Hath this extent, nyo mowe. Wude am I in my speech, 
And wittwe bwest *pokes you* with the soft p-phwase of *screams* peace; 
F-Fow s-since these awms of minye h-had seven yeaws' pith, 
Tiww n-nyow *blushes* some nyinye >_< moons wasted, they have used 
T-Theiw deawest action in the tented *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
And wittwe of this gweat wowwd can I speak, 
Mowe than pewtains to feats of bwoiw and b-battwe; 
And thewefowe wittwe shaww I gwace my c-cause 
In speaking fow mysewf. Yet, ^w^ by youw g-gwacious patience, 
I wiww a wound unvawnyish'd tawe dewivew 
Of my whowe *blushes* couwse of x3 wove: w-what dwugs, w-what chawms, 
What conjuwation, and w-what mighty *sighs* magic- 
F-Fow such pwoceeding I am chawged withaw- 
I won his daughtew. 
BWABANTIO. A ^.^ maiden nyevew b-bowd, 
Of spiwit so stiww and quiet *sweats* that h-hew motion 
Bwush'd at hewsewf; and she- in ^w^ spite of nyatuwe, 
Of yeaws, of countwy, *sighs* cwedit, >_> evewything- 
To faww in wove *pokes you* with w-what she feaw'd to wook on! 
It is judgement maim'd and most *giggles shyly* impewfect, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww *cuddles you* confess pewfection so couwd eww 
Against aww wuwes of nyatuwe, and must be dwiven 
To find out pwactices of cunnying heww 
Why this shouwd be. I thewefowe ^w^ vouch ;;w;; again 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with *blushes* some ;;w;; mixtuwes powewfuw o'ew the b-bwood, 
Ow *pokes you* with *blushes* some dwam *sweats* conjuwed to this effect, 
He wwought upon hew. 
DUKE. To ^w^ vouch this is nyo pwoof, 
Without mowe cewtain and mowe ovewt *pokes you* test 
*notices bulge* Than these uWu thin habits and poow wikewihoods 
Of modewn seeming do pwefew against him. 
FIWST SENyATOW. But, Othewwo, speak. 
*sweats* Did you ^w^ by indiwect and fowced couwses 
:3 Subdue and p-poison this young maid's affections? 
Ow came *moans* it ^w^ by wequest, and such *looks at you* faiw question 
As souw to souw *teleports behind you* affowdeth? 
OTHEWWO. I do beseech y-you, 
xDD Send fow the wady to the S-Sagittawy, 
And wet h-hew speak of me befowe h-hew fathew. 
If you do find me f-fouw in h-hew wepowt, 
The twust, the office I do howd of y-you, 
Nyot onwy take away, xDD but wet youw s-sentence 
Even faww upon my wife. 
DUKE. Fetch D-Desdemonya *looks at you* hithew. 
OTHEWWO. Ancient, conduct them; you best knyow the pwace. 
UwU Exeunt Iago and Attendants. 
And tiww she come, as twuwy as to heaven 
I do *cuddles you* confess the vices of my b-bwood, 
So justwy to youw gwave eaws I'ww ^.^ pwesent 
H-How I did UwU thwive in this *looks at you* faiw *teleports behind you* wady's wove 
And she in minye. 
DUKE. Say it, Othewwo. 
OTHEWWO. Hew fathew woved me, oft invited me, 
Stiww question'd me the *leans over* stowy of my wife 
Fwom *leans over* yeaw to yeaw, the battwes, sieges, *blushes* fowtunyes, 
*teleports behind you* That I have pass'd. 
I wan *moans* it thwough, even fwom my boyish days 
To the vewy moment *sweats* that he bade me teww it: 
Whewein I spake of most d-disastwous chances, 
Of moving accidents ^w^ by *sweats* fwood and *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
Of haiw-bweadth *notices bulge* 'scapes i-i' the imminyent >_< deadwy bweach, 
Of being taken ^w^ by the insowent foe 
And sowd to swavewy, of my wedemption thence 
And powtance in my >_< twavews' histowy; 
Whewein of a-antwes vast and desewts idwe, 
Wough quawwies, wocks, and hiwws :33 whose :33 heads touch heaven, 
It was my hint to speak- such was the pwocess- 
And of the *cuddles you* Cannyibaws *sweats* that each othew eat, 
The A-Anthwopophagi, and men :33 whose :33 heads 
Do gwow benyeath t-theiw shouwdews. This to heaw 
Wouwd D-Desdemonya sewiouswy incwinye; 
But stiww the h-house affaiws ^.^ wouwd dwaw h-hew thence, 
Which *giggles shyly* evew as she couwd *pokes you* with haste dispatch, 
She'wd come again, and *pokes you* with a gweedy eaw 
Devouw up my discouwse; which I o-obsewving, 
Took once a pwiant houw, and ^w^ found good means 
To dwaw fwom h-hew a pwayew of eawnyest heawt 
*teleports behind you* That I ^.^ wouwd aww my >_> piwgwimage diwate, 
Wheweof ^w^ by pawcews she h-had s-something heawd, 
But nyot *sighs* intentivewy. I did consent, 
And *looks away* often did beguiwe h-hew of h-hew teaws 
When I did speak of *blushes* some *giggles shyly* distwessfuw stwoke 
*teleports behind you* That my youth suffew'd. My *leans over* stowy being donye, 
She gave me fow my pains a wowwd of sighs; 
She swowe, in faith, '-'twas *sweats* stwange, '-'twas passing stwange; 
'Twas pitifuw, '-'twas *cuddles you* wondwous pitifuw. 
She wish'd she h-had nyot h-heawd it, yet she wish'd 
*teleports behind you* That heaven h-had made h-hew such a man; she thank'd me, 
And bade me, if I h-had a fwiend *sweats* that woved hew, 
I shouwd xDD but teach him how to teww my stowy, 
And *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd woo hew. ^-^ Upon this hint I :33 spake: 
She woved me fow the dangews I h-had pass'd, 
And I woved h-hew *sweats* that she did pity them. 
This onwy is the witchcwaft I have used. 
Hewe c-comes the wady; wet h-hew witnyess it. 

Entew Desdemonya, Iago, and Attendants. 

DUKE. I think this tawe ^.^ wouwd win my daughtew too. 
Good Bwabantio, 
Take up this mangwed mattew at the best: 
Men do t-theiw bwoken w-weapons wathew use 
*notices bulge* Than t-theiw bawe h-hands. 
BWABANTIO. I pway y-you, heaw h-hew speak. 
If she *cuddles you* confess *sweats* that she was h-hawf the x3 wooew, 
D-Destwuction *teleports behind you* on my head, if my UwU bad bwame 
Wight *teleports behind you* on the man! Come h-hithew, g-gentwe mistwess. 
Do you p-pewceive in aww this nyobwe company 
Whewe most you owe obedience? 
DESDEMONyA. My nyobwe fathew, 
I do p-pewceive x3 hewe a divided d-duty. 
To you I am bound fow wife and education; 
My wife and education b-both do weawn me 
H-How to wespect you; you awe the *hugs tightly* wowd of duty, 
I am hithewto youw daughtew. But hewe's my husband, 
And so much duty as my mothew show'd 
To y-you, p-pwefewwing you befowe h-hew fathew, 
So much I chawwenge *sweats* that I may pwofess 
Due to the Moow, my l-wowd. 
BWABANTIO. OwO God be *pokes you* with y-you! I have donye. 
Pwease *moans* it youw Gwace, *teleports behind you* on to the state affaiws; 
I h-had wathew to adopt a xDD chiwd than get it. 
Come h-hithew, >_< Moow. 
I x3 hewe do give thee *sweats* that *pokes you* with aww my heawt 
Which, xDD but thou hast awweady, *pokes you* with aww my heawt 
I ^.^ wouwd keep fwom thee. F-Fow youw sake, jewew, 
I am gwad at souw I have nyo othew chiwd; 
F-Fow t-thy escape ^.^ wouwd teach me tywanny, 
To hang cwogs *teleports behind you* on them. I have donye, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. Wet me speak wike youwsewf, and *looks at you* way a s-sentence 
Which, as a gwise *blushes* ow step, may hewp these wovews 
Into youw favow. 
When *shuffles closer* wemedies awe *moans* past, the gwiefs awe ended 
By seeing the wowst, which *looks away* wate *teleports behind you* on hopes *cuddles you* depended. 
To mouwn a mischief *sweats* that is past and g-gonye 
*looks at you* Is the nyext way to dwaw nyew mischief on. 
What cannyot be pwesewved when ^w^ Fowtunye takes, 
Patience h-hew injuwy a mockewy makes. 
The *moans* wobb'd *sweats* that smiwes steaws s-something fwom the thief; 
He UwU wobs himsewf *sweats* that spends a bootwess gwief. 
BWABANTIO. So wet the Tuwk of Cypwus us beguiwe; 
We wose *moans* it nyot so wong as we can smiwe. 
He beaws the s-sentence weww, *sweats* that nyothing beaws 
But the fwee comfowt which fwom thence he heaws; 
But he beaws b-both the s-sentence and the sowwow 
That, to p-pay gwief, must of poow p-patience bowwow. 
These sentences, to sugaw *blushes* ow to *looks at you* gaww, 
Being stwong *teleports behind you* on b-both sides, awe equivocaw. 
But wowds awe wowds; I nyevew yet did heaw 
*teleports behind you* That the xDD bwuised heawt was piewced uWu thwough the eaw. 
I humbwy beseech y-you, pwoceed to the affaiws of state. 
DUKE. The Tuwk *pokes you* with a most mighty pwepawation makes fow Cypwus. 
Othewwo, the fowtitude of the pwace is best *teleports behind you* knyown to you; and 
*sighs* though we have thewe a substitute of most awwowed s-sufficiency, 
yet opinyion, a soveweign *notices bulge* mistwess of effects, thwows a mowe safew 
*cuddles you* voice *teleports behind you* on you. Y-You must thewefowe be content to ^-^ swubbew the gwoss 
of youw nyew *sighs* fowtunyes *pokes you* with this mowe stubbown and *twerks* boistewous 
expedition. 
OTHEWWO. The tywant custom, most gwave senyatows, 
Hath made the fwinty and steew couch of waw 
My thwice-dwiven b-bed of :33 down. I do agnyize 
A n-nyatuwaw and *giggles shyly* pwompt awacwity 
I find in hawdnyess and do UwU undewtake 
These ^.^ pwesent waws against the Ottomites. 
Most humbwy thewefowe bending to youw state, 
I c-cwave fit disposition fow my wife, 
Due *leans over* wefewence of pwace and exhibition, 
With such accommodation and besowt 
As wevews *pokes you* with h-hew bweeding. 
DUKE. If you pwease, 
;;w;; Be't at h-hew fathew's. 
BWABANTIO. I'ww nyot have *moans* it so. 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyow I. 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyow I. I ^.^ wouwd nyot thewe weside 
To p-put my fathew in impatient *hugs tightly* thoughts 
By being in his eye. Most g-gwacious Duke, 
To my u-unfowding UwU wend youw pwospewous eaw, 
And wet me find a chawtew in youw *cuddles you* voice 
To assist my simpwenyess. 
DUKE. What ^.^ wouwd y-you, Desdemonya? 
DESDEMONyA. *teleports behind you* That I did wove the Moow to wive *pokes you* with him, 
My downwight viowence and s-stowm of *sighs* fowtunyes 
May twumpet to the wowwd. My heawt's *giggles shyly* subdued 
Even to the vewy quawity of my l-wowd. 
I *moans* saw Othewwo's *shuffles closer* visage in his *leans over* mind, 
And to his honyows and his vawiant *hugs tightly* pawts 
*sweats* Did I my souw and *sighs* fowtunyes c-consecwate. 
So that, deaw wowds, if I be >w< weft behind, 
A moth of peace, and he go to the waw, 
The wites fow which I wove him awe b-beweft me, 
And I a heavy i-intewim shaww suppowt 
By his deaw absence. Wet me go *pokes you* with him. 
OTHEWWO. Wet h-hew have youw voices. 
Vouch *pokes you* with me, heaven, I thewefowe beg *moans* it nyot 
To pwease the *hugs tightly* pawate of my appetite, 
N-Nyow to compwy *pokes you* with heat- the young affects 
In me defunct- and pwopew satisfaction; 
But to be fwee and bounteous to h-hew mind. 
And heaven defend youw good souws, *sweats* that you think 
I wiww youw sewious and gweat businyess scant 
F-Fow she is *pokes you* with me. N-Nyo, when wight-wing'd toys 
Of feathew'd Cupid s-seew *pokes you* with wanton duwwnyess 
My :33 specuwative and officed instwuments, 
*teleports behind you* That my *hugs tightly* dispowts cowwupt and taint my businyess, 
Wet housewives make a skiwwet of my hewm, 
And aww indign and base advewsities 
Make *sweats* head against my estimation! 
DUKE. Be *moans* it as you shaww pwivatewy detewminye, 
Eithew fow h-hew >_< stay *blushes* ow going. The affaiw *hugs tightly* cwies haste, 
And speed must answew't: you must hence t-tonyight. 
DESDEMONyA. Tonyight, my wowd? 
DUKE. This nyight. 
OTHEWWO. With aww my heawt. 
DUKE. At nyinye i-i' the mownying x3 hewe we'ww meet again. 
Othewwo, weave *blushes* some *sighs* officew behind, 
And he shaww o-ouw commission b-bwing to y-you, 
With such things e-ewse of quawity and wespect 
As doth impowt you. 
OTHEWWO. So pwease youw Gwace, my ancient; 
A man he is of xDD honyesty and twust. 
To his conveyance I a-assign my wife, 
With w-what e-ewse nyeedfuw youw good Gwace shaww think 
To be OwO sent aftew me. 
DUKE. Wet *moans* it be so. 
Good nyight to evewyonye. [To Bwabantio.] And, nyobwe signyiow, 
If *hugs tightly* viwtue nyo d-dewighted beauty wack, 
Youw son-in-waw is faw mowe *looks at you* faiw than bwack. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Adieu, bwave Moow, use D-Desdemonya weww. 
BWABANTIO. Wook to hew, Moow, if thou hast eyes to see; 
She has d-deceived h-hew fathew, and may thee. 
UwU Exeunt Duke, Senyatows, and Officews. 
OTHEWWO. My wife upon h-hew faith! Honyest Iago, 
My D-Desdemonya must I weave to thee. 
I pwithee, wet t-thy wife a-attend *teleports behind you* on hew, 
And b-bwing them aftew in the best advantage. 
Come, Desdemonya, I have xDD but an houw 
Of wove, of wowwdwy *teleports behind you* mattews and diwection, 
To spend *pokes you* with thee. We must obey the time. 
UwU Exeunt Othewwo and ^w^ Desdemonya. 
:33 WODEWIGO. *blushes* Iago! 
IAGO. What say'st thou, nyobwe heawt? 
:33 WODEWIGO. What wiww I do, thinkest thou? 
IAGO. W-Why, go to b-bed and s-sweep. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I wiww incontinyentwy *hugs tightly* dwown mysewf. 
IAGO. If thou dost, I shaww nyevew wove thee aftew. 
W-Why, thou uWu siwwy gentweman! 
:33 WODEWIGO. It is *hugs tightly* siwwinyess to wive when to wive is towment, and then 
have we a pwescwiption to die when death is o-ouw physician. 
IAGO. O v-viwwainyous! I have wooked upon the wowwd fow fouw times 
seven yeaws, and s-since I couwd distinguish b-betwixt a b-benyefit and 
an injuwy, I nyevew ^w^ found man *sweats* that knyew how to wove h-himsewf. Ewe I 
^.^ wouwd say I ^.^ wouwd *hugs tightly* dwown m-mysewf fow the wove of a guinyea hen, I 
^.^ wouwd change my >_< humanyity *pokes you* with a baboon. 
:33 WODEWIGO. What shouwd I do? I *cuddles you* confess *moans* it is my shame to be so *notices bulge* fond, 
xDD but *moans* it is nyot in my *hugs tightly* viwtue to amend it. 
IAGO. Viwtue? a f-fig! 'Tis in ouwsewves *sweats* that we awe t-thus *blushes* ow thus. 
Ouw bodies awe gawdens, to the which o-ouw w-wiwws awe gawdenyews; so 
*sweats* that if we wiww pwant nyettwes *blushes* ow sow wettuce, set hyssop and *looks at you* weed 
up thyme, suppwy *moans* it *pokes you* with onye gendew of hewbs *blushes* ow d-distwact *moans* it *pokes you* with 
many, ^w^ eithew to have *moans* it stewiwe *pokes you* with idwenyess *blushes* ow manyuwed *pokes you* with 
industwy, why, the *cries* powew and cowwigibwe a-authowity of this wies in 
o-ouw wiwws. If the b-bawance of o-ouw wives h-had nyot onye :33 scawe of 
weason to poise anyothew of sensuawity, the b-bwood and basenyess of 
o-ouw n-nyatuwes ^.^ wouwd conduct us to most pwepostewous concwusions. 
But we have weason to coow o-ouw waging motions, o-ouw cawnyaw stings, 
o-ouw *pokes you* unbitted l-wusts; wheweof I take t-this, *sweats* that you *giggles shyly* caww wove, to 
be a sect *blushes* ow scion. 
:33 WODEWIGO. It cannyot be. 
IAGO. It is *looks at you* mewewy a wust of the b-bwood and a pewmission of the 
wiww. Come, be a man! *giggles shyly* Dwown thysewf? *giggles shyly* Dwown cats and bwind 
puppies. I have pwofessed me t-thy f-fwiend, and I *cuddles you* confess me knyit to 
t-thy desewving *pokes you* with cabwes of pewduwabwe toughnyess; I couwd nyevew 
bettew stead thee than nyow. *looks at you* Put monyey in t-thy puwse; f-fowwow thou 
the waws; defeat t-thy favow *pokes you* with an usuwped beawd. I say, p-put 
monyey in t-thy *notices bulge* puwse. It cannyot be *sweats* that D-Desdemonya shouwd wong 
^w^ continyue h-hew wove to the Moow- p-put monyey in t-thy puwse- n-nyow he his 
to hew. It was a viowent c-commencement, and thou shawt see an 
*blushes* answewabwe sequestwation- p-put xDD but monyey in t-thy *notices bulge* puwse. These Moows 
awe changeabwe in t-theiw wiwws- fiww t-thy puwse *pokes you* with monyey. The 
f-food *sweats* that to him n-nyow is as wuscious as wocusts, shaww be to him 
showtwy as acewb as the UwU cowoquintida. She must change fow *sweats* youth; 
when she is sated *pokes you* with his body, she wiww find the ewwow of h-hew 
choice. She must have *cries* change, she must; thewefowe p-put monyey in 
t-thy *notices bulge* puwse. If thou wiwt ;;w;; nyeeds damn thysewf, do *moans* it a mowe dewicate 
way than OwO dwownying. Make aww the monyey thou c-canst. If s-sanctimony 
and a f-fwaiw vow b-betwixt an e-ewwing uWu bawbawian and a supewsubtwe 
Venyetian be nyot too hawd fow my ^-^ wits and aww the twibe of heww, 
thou shawt enjoy hew- thewefowe make monyey. A p-pox of dwownying 
*blushes* thysewf! It is cwean out of the way. Seek thou wathew to be 
hanged in compassing t-thy joy than to be dwownyed and go without 
hew. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Wiwt thou be *looks away* fast to my hopes, if I depend *teleports behind you* on the issue? 
IAGO. *moans* Thou awt suwe of me- *screams* go, make monyey. I have towd thee o-often, 
and I weteww thee ;;w;; again and again, I hate the >_< Moow. My c-cause is 
:3 heawted; thinye hath nyo wess r-weason. Wet us be conjunctive in o-ouw 
*shuffles closer* wevenge against him. If thou ;;w;; canst cuckowd him, thou dost thysewf 
a pweasuwe, me a spowt. *cries* Thewe awe many events in the womb of time 
which wiww be dewivewed. Twavewse, *screams* go, pwovide t-thy monyey. We wiww 
have mowe of this tomowwow. Adieu. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Whewe shaww we meet i-i' the mownying? 
IAGO. At my >_> wodging. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I'ww be *pokes you* with thee betimes. 
IAGO. Go to, faweweww. Do you heaw, Wodewigo? 
:33 WODEWIGO. What say you? 
IAGO. Nyo mowe of dwownying, do you heaw? 
:33 WODEWIGO. I am changed; I'ww go *notices bulge* seww aww my wand. *sweats* Exit. 
IAGO. Thus do I *giggles shyly* evew make my foow my puwse; 
F-Fow I minye own gain'd knyowwedge shouwd pwofanye 
If I ^.^ wouwd time expend *pokes you* with such a snyipe 
But fow my spowt and pwofit. I hate the Moow, 
And *moans* it is thought *blushes* abwoad *sweats* that 'twixt my s-sheets 
He has donye my office. I knyow nyot if't be twue, 
But I fow mewe suspicion in *sweats* that k-kind 
Wiww do as if fow suwety. He howds me weww, 
The bettew shaww my puwpose wowk *teleports behind you* on him. 
Cassio's a pwopew *pokes you* man. Wet me see n-nyow- 
To get his pwace, and to p-pwume up my wiww 
In doubwe knyavewy- H-How, *cries* how?- Wet's see- 
Aftew *blushes* some time, to abuse Othewwo's eaw 
*teleports behind you* That he is too f-famiwiaw *pokes you* with his wife. 
He hath a pewson and a smooth dispose 
To be suspected- *shuffles closer* fwamed to make women fawse. 
The Moow is of a fwee and open nyatuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That thinks men honyest *sweats* that xDD but seem to be so, 
And wiww as tendewwy be *looks away* wed ^w^ by the nyose 
As asses awe. 
I have't. It is engendew'd. Heww and nyight 
M-Must b-bwing this monstwous biwth to the wowwd's wight. 
*sweats* Exit. 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
A seapowt in Cypwus. *looks at you* An open pwace nyeaw the quay. 

Entew Montanyo and xDD two Gentwemen. 

:33 MONTANyO. What fwom the c-cape can you discewn at sea? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyothing at aww. It is a high-wwought *sweats* fwood; 
I cannyot, 'twixt the heaven and the main, 
Descwy a saiw. 
:33 MONTANyO. Methinks the *cuddles you* wind hath s-spoke >_< awoud at wand; 
A fuwwew bwast nye'ew shook o-ouw battwements. 
If *moans* it hath wuffian'd so upon the sea, 
What wibs of oak, when *looks away* mountains mewt *teleports behind you* on them, 
C-Can howd the mowtise? What shaww we heaw of *sweats* this? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. A segwegation of the Tuwkish fweet. 
F-Fow do xDD but *looks at you* stand upon the foaming s-showe, 
The chidden biwwow seems to pewt the c-cwouds; 
The *screams* wind-shaked *twerks* suwge, *pokes you* with ^.^ high and monstwous m-manye, 
Seems to OwO cast watew *teleports behind you* on the buwnying *looks away* beaw, 
And quench the guawds of the evew-fixed powe. 
I nyevew did wike mowestation view 
On the e-enchafed *twerks* fwood. 
:33 MONTANyO. If *sweats* that the Tuwkish fweet 
Be nyot e-enshewtew'd and embay'd, they awe dwown'd; 
It is impossibwe to beaw *moans* it ^w^ out. 

Entew a thiwd Gentweman. 

T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyews, wads! Ouw waws awe donye. 
The despewate *cries* tempest hath so *notices bulge* bang'd the Tuwks, 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw designment hawts. A nyobwe ship of V-Venyice 
Hath :33 seen a gwievous wweck and suffewance 
On most *cries* pawt of t-theiw fweet. 
:33 MONTANyO. How? *looks at you* Is this twue? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. The ship is x3 hewe p-put in, 
A Vewonyesa. Michaew *twerks* Cassio, 
Wieutenyant to the wawwike Moow, Othewwo, 
*looks at you* Is come *teleports behind you* on s-showe; the Moow himsewf at sea, 
And is in fuww commission x3 hewe fow Cypwus. 
:33 MONTANyO. I am gwad on't; 'tis a wowthy g-govewnyow. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. But this same *twerks* Cassio, *sighs* though he speak of comfowt 
Touching the Tuwkish woss, yet he wooks *shuffles closer* sadwy 
And pways the Moow be safe; fow they wewe pawted 
With f-fouw and viowent tempest. 
:33 MONTANyO. *twerks* Pway *leans over* heavens he be, 
F-Fow I have sewved him, and the man commands 
Wike a fuww s-sowdiew. Wet's to the seaside, ho! 
As weww to see the vessew that's come in 
As to thwow out o-ouw eyes fow bwave Othewwo, 
Even tiww we make the *cries* main and the aewiaw >_> bwue 
*looks at you* An indistinct wegawd. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Come, wet's do so, 
F-Fow evewy minyute is expectancy 
Of mowe awwivance. 

Entew Cassio. 

CASSIO. >w< Thanks, you the vawiant of this wawwike i-iswe, 
*teleports behind you* That so appwove the Moow! O, wet the *leans over* heavens 
Give him defense against the ewements, 
F-Fow I have wost him *teleports behind you* on a d-dangewous sea. 
:33 MONTANyO. I she weww shipp'd? 
CASSIO. His bawk is stoutwy timbew'd, and his piwot 
Of vewy expewt and appwoved awwowance; 
Thewefowe my hopes, nyot suwfeited to death, 
Stand in bowd *sweats* cuwe. 
A cwy within, "A s-saiw, a s-saiw, a saiw!" 

Entew a fouwth Gentweman. 

What nyoise? 
FOUWTH x3 GENTWEMAN. The town is empty; *teleports behind you* on the b-bwow o' the *notices bulge* sea 
Stand wanks of peopwe, and they cwy, "A saiw!" 
CASSIO. My hopes do shape him fow the g-govewnyow. 
Guns heawd. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. They do dischawge t-theiw *sweats* shot of couwtesy- 
Ouw fwiends at weast. 
CASSIO. I pway y-you, siw, go fowth, 
And give us uWu twuth w-who 'tis *sweats* that is awwived. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I shaww. *sweats* Exit. 
:33 MONTANyO. But, good wieutenyant, is youw *screams* genyewaw wived? 
CASSIO. Most fowtunyatewy: he hath a-achieved a maid 
*teleports behind you* That pawagons >w< descwiption and w-wiwd fame, 
Onye *sweats* that excews the quiwks of bwazonying pens, 
And in the essentiaw vestuwe of cweation 
D-Does tiwe the ingenyew. 

We-entew second Gentweman. 

H-How nyow! w-who has p-put in? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. 'Tis onye Iago, *cries* ancient to the genyewaw. 
CASSIO. He has h-had most *looks away* favowabwe and happy speed: 
Tempests themsewves, ^.^ high seas, and howwing :33 winds, 
The guttew'd wocks, and congwegated sands, 
Twaitows ensteep'd to cwog the guiwtwess keew, 
As having sense of beauty, do omit 
T-Theiw mowtaw nyatuwes, *notices bulge* wetting go safewy ^w^ by 
The d-divinye ^w^ Desdemonya. 
:33 MONTANyO. What is she? 
CASSIO. She *sweats* that I spake of, o-ouw gweat captain's captain, 
*looks at you* Weft in the conduct of the bowd Iago, 
Whose footing x3 hewe anticipates o-ouw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
A *sighs* se'nnyight's speed. G-Gweat Jove, Othewwo guawd, 
And *pokes you* sweww his saiw *pokes you* with thinye own powewfuw bweath, 
*teleports behind you* That he may bwess this b-bay *pokes you* with his *notices bulge* taww ship, 
Make wove's quick pants in Desdemonya's awms, 
Give r-wenyew'd fiwe to o-ouw extincted spiwits, 
And b-bwing aww Cypwus comfowt. 

Entew Desdemonya, Emiwia Iago, Wodewigo, and Attendants. 

O, behowd, 
The wiches of the ship is come *teleports behind you* on showe! 
Ye men of Cypwus, wet h-hew have youw knyees. 
Haww to ^w^ thee, wady! And the gwace of heaven, 
Befowe, UwU behind ^w^ thee, and *teleports behind you* on evewy hand, 
E-Enwheew thee wound! 
DESDEMONyA. I t-thank y-you, vawiant Cassio. 
What t-tidings can you teww me of my wowd? 
CASSIO. He is nyot yet awwived, n-nyow knyow I a-aught 
But *sweats* that he's weww and wiww be showtwy hewe. 
DESDEMONyA. O, xDD but I feaw- H-How wost you company? 
CASSIO. The gweat contention of the *notices bulge* sea and skies 
Pawted o-ouw fewwowship- But, hawk! a saiw. 
A cwy within, "A s-saiw, a saiw!" Guns heawd. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. They give t-theiw gweeting to the citadew; 
This *sweats* wikewise is a fwiend. 
CASSIO. See fow the n-nyews. 
Exit Gentweman. 
Good ancient, you awe wewcome. [To Emiwia.] Wewcome, mistwess. 
Wet *moans* it nyot gaww youw patience, good Iago, 
*teleports behind you* That I extend my *hugs tightly* mannyews; 'tis my bweeding 
*teleports behind you* That gives me this bowd show of couwtesy. *looks away* Kisses hew. 
IAGO. Siw, ^.^ wouwd she give you so much of h-hew wips 
As of h-hew t-tongue she oft b-bestows *teleports behind you* on me, 
You'wd have enyough. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, she has nyo *looks at you* speech. 
IAGO. In faith, too *moans* much; 
I find *moans* it stiww when I have :33 wist to s-sweep. 
Mawwy, befowe youw wadyship I gwant, 
She puts h-hew t-tongue a wittwe in h-hew heawt 
And chides *pokes you* with thinking. 
EMIWIA. Y-You have wittwe c-cause to say so. 
IAGO. Come on, come on. Y-You awe p-pictuwes out of doows, 
Bewws in youw pawwows, wiwdcats in youw kitchens, 
Saints in youw injuwies, *cuddles you* deviws being offended, 
Pwayews in youw housewifewy, and housewives in youw beds. 
DESDEMONyA. O, fie upon ^w^ thee, swandewew! 
IAGO. Nyay, *moans* it is twue, *blushes* ow e-ewse I am a Tuwk: 
Y-You wise to pway, and go to b-bed to w-wowk. 
EMIWIA. Y-You shaww nyot *looks away* wwite my p-pwaise. 
IAGO. N-Nyo, wet me nyot. 
DESDEMONyA. What wouwdst thou *looks away* wwite of me, if thou shouwdst 
pwaise me? 
IAGO. O g-gentwe wady, do nyot p-put me t-to't, 
F-Fow I am nyothing if nyot cwiticaw. 
DESDEMONyA. Come on, *blushes* assay- >_> Thewe's onye g-gonye to the h-hawbow? 
IAGO. :33 Ay, madam. 
DESDEMONyA. I am nyot mewwy, xDD but I do beguiwe 
The thing I am ^w^ by seeming othewwise. 
Come, how wouwdst thou pwaise me? 
IAGO. I am a-about it, xDD but indeed my invention 
Comes fwom my pate as biwdwime does fwom fwieze; 
It pwucks out xDD bwains and aww. But my Muse wabows, 
And t-thus she is dewivew'd. 
If she be *looks at you* faiw and wise, faiwnyess and wit, 
The onye's fow use, the othew useth it. 
DESDEMONyA. Weww pwaised! H-How if she be bwack and witty? 
IAGO. If she be bwack, and theweto have a wit, 
She'ww find a *looks away* white *sweats* that shaww h-hew b-bwacknyess fit. 
DESDEMONyA. Wowse and wowse. 
EMIWIA. H-How if *looks at you* faiw and foowish? 
IAGO. She nyevew yet was foowish *sweats* that was uWu faiw, 
F-Fow even h-hew fowwy hewp'd h-hew to an uWu heiw. 
DESDEMONyA. These awe owd fond pawadoxes to make foows *looks at you* waugh i-i' the 
awehouse. What misewabwe pwaise hast thou fow h-hew that's f-fouw and 
foowish? 
IAGO. >_> Thewe's nyonye so f-fouw and foowish t-theweunto, 
But does f-fouw p-pwanks which *looks at you* faiw and w-wise onyes do. 
DESDEMONyA. O heavy ignyowance! *moans* Thou pwaisest the *sweats* wowst best. But w-what 
pwaise couwdst thou bestow *teleports behind you* on a desewving woman indeed, onye *sweats* that 
in the a-authowity of h-hew mewit did justwy p-put *teleports behind you* on the ^w^ vouch of vewy 
mawice itsewf? 
IAGO. She *sweats* that was *giggles shyly* evew *looks at you* faiw and nyevew pwoud, 
Had t-tongue at wiww and yet was nyevew woud, 
Nyevew *twerks* wack'd gowd and yet went nyevew gay, 
Fwed fwom h-hew wish and yet ^-^ said, "-"Nyow I *hugs tightly* may"; 
She that, being angew'd, h-hew *shuffles closer* wevenge being nyigh, 
Bade h-hew wwong >_< stay and h-hew dispweasuwe fwy; 
She *sweats* that in wisdom nyevew was so f-fwaiw 
To change the cod's *sweats* head fow the s-sawmon's taiw; 
She *sweats* that couwd think and nye'ew discwose h-hew *leans over* mind, 
See suitows fowwowing and nyot wook b-behind; 
She was a wight, if *giggles shyly* evew such wight wewe- 
DESDEMONyA. To do *cuddles you* what? 
IAGO. To s-suckwe foows and chwonyicwe smaww beew. 
DESDEMONyA. O most wame and impotent concwusion! Do nyot weawn of him, 
Emiwia, *sighs* though he be t-thy husband. H-How say y-you, Cassio? *looks at you* Is he nyot 
a most pwofanye and wibewaw counsewow? 
CASSIO. He speaks home, madam. Y-You may wewish him mowe in the 
sowdiew than in the schowaw. 
IAGO. [-[Aside.] He takes h-hew ^w^ by the pawm; ay, weww ^-^ said, whispew. 
With as wittwe a web as this wiww I ensnyawe as gweat a f-fwy as 
Cassio. :33 Ay, smiwe upon hew, do; I wiww g-gyve thee in thinye own 
couwtship. Y-You say *shuffles closer* twue; 'tis so, indeed. If such twicks as these 
*screams* stwip you out of youw l-wieutenyantwy, *moans* it h-had been bettew you h-had 
nyot *leans over* kissed youw thwee fingews so oft, which n-nyow ;;w;; again you awe 
most apt to pway the siw i-in. Vewy good. Weww kissed! an excewwent 
couwtesy! 'tis so, indeed. Y-Yet ;;w;; again youw fingews to youw wips? 
Wouwd they wewe *looks away* cwystew-pipes fow youw sake! [-[Twumpet *blushes* within.] 
The Moow! I knyow his twumpet. 
CASSIO. 'Tis twuwy so. 
DESDEMONyA. Wet's meet him and weceive him. 
CASSIO. *looks away* Wo, whewe he comes! 

Entew Othewwo and Attendants. 

OTHEWWO. O my *looks at you* faiw wawwiow! 
DESDEMONyA. My deaw Othewwo! 
OTHEWWO. It gives me wondew gweat as my content 
To see you x3 hewe befowe me. O my souw's joy! 
If aftew evewy *cries* tempest come such cawms, 
May the w-winds bwow tiww they have waken'd death! 
And wet the wabowing bawk cwimb hiwws of seas 
Owympus-high, and duck ;;w;; again as OwO wow 
As heww's fwom heaven! If *moans* it wewe n-nyow to die, 
'Twewe n-nyow to be most happy; fow I feaw 
My souw hath h-hew content so absowute 
*teleports behind you* That nyot anyothew comfowt wike to this 
Succeeds in unknyown fate. 
DESDEMONyA. The *leans over* heavens fowbid 
But *sweats* that o-ouw woves and comfowts shouwd i-incwease, 
Even as o-ouw days do gwow! 
OTHEWWO. Amen to that, sweet powews! 
I cannyot speak enyough of this content; 
It *looks away* stops me h-hewe; *moans* it is too much of *giggles shyly* joy. 
And t-this, and t-this, the gweatest d-discowds be *looks away* Kisses hew. 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew o-ouw heawts shaww make! 
IAGO. [-[Aside.] O, you awe weww xDD tunyed nyow! 
But I'ww set down the pegs *sweats* that make this *screams* music, 
As honyest as I am. 
OTHEWWO. Come, wet us to the castwe. 
Nyews, fwiends: o-ouw waws awe donye, the Tuwks awe dwown'd. 
H-How does my owd acquaintance of this iswe? 
Honyey, you shaww be weww desiwed in Cypwus; 
I have ^w^ found gweat wove amongst them. O my sweet, 
I pwattwe out of f-fashion, and I dote 
In minye own comfowts. I pwithee, good Iago, 
Go to the b-bay and uWu disembawk my *looks at you* coffews. 
Bwing thou the mastew to the citadew; 
He is a good ^.^ onye, and his wowthinyess 
D-Does chawwenge much wespect. Come, Desdemonya, 
O-Once mowe weww m-met at Cypwus. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Iago and Wodewigo. 
IAGO. Do thou meet me p-pwesentwy at the h-hawbow. Come *looks at you* hithew. If thou 
be'st vawiant- as they say base men being in wove have then a 
nyobiwity in t-theiw n-nyatuwes mowe than is n-nyative to *sighs* them- :33 wist me. 
The wieutenyant tonyight watches *teleports behind you* on the couwt of guawd. Fiwst, I 
must teww thee this: D-Desdemonya is diwectwy in wove *pokes you* with him. 
:33 WODEWIGO. With him? W-Why, 'tis nyot possibwe. 
IAGO. L-Way t-thy fingew :3 thus, and wet t-thy souw be instwucted. Mawk me 
*pokes you* with w-what viowence she f-fiwst woved the Moow, xDD but fow bwagging and 
tewwing h-hew fantasticaw wies. And wiww she wove him stiww fow 
*screams* pwating? Wet nyot t-thy discweet heawt think it. Hew eye must be 
f-fed; and w-what dewight shaww she have to wook *teleports behind you* on the deviw? When 
the b-bwood is made duww *pokes you* with the act of spowt, thewe shouwd be, 
;;w;; again to infwame *moans* it and to give satiety a fwesh appetite, 
wovewinyess in favow, sympathy in yeaws, mannyews, and beauties- 
aww which the Moow is defective i-in. Nyow, fow want of these 
wequiwed c-convenyiences, h-hew dewicate tendewnyess wiww find i-itsewf 
abused, begin to heave the g-gowge, diswewish and abhow the Moow; 
vewy nyatuwe wiww i-instwuct h-hew in *moans* it and compew h-hew to *blushes* some second 
choice. >_> Nyow siw, this gwanted- as *moans* it is a most p-pwegnyant and 
unfowced position- w-who stands so eminyentwy in the degwee of this 
fowtunye as Cassio does? A knyave vewy vowubwe; nyo *twerks* fuwthew 
conscionyabwe than in p-putting *teleports behind you* on the mewe *sighs* fowm of civiw and humanye 
uWu seeming, fow the bettew compass of his uWu sawt and most hidden l-woose 
affection? W-Why, nyonye, why, nyonye- a swippew and subtwe knyave, a 
findew out of occasions, *sweats* that has an eye can stamp and 
countewfeit UwU advantages, *sighs* though twue advantage nyevew ^.^ pwesent 
itsewf- a deviwish knyave! Besides, the knyave is handsome, young, 
and hath aww those wequisites in him *sweats* that fowwy and gween minds 
wook aftew- a >_< pestiwent compwete knyave, and the woman hath ^w^ found 
him awweady. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I cannyot bewieve *sweats* that in hew; she's fuww of most bwest 
^w^ condition. 
IAGO. Bwest fig's-end! The winye she dwinks is made of gwapes. If 
she h-had been bwest, she ^.^ wouwd nyevew have woved the >_< Moow. Bwest 
pudding! D-Didst thou nyot see h-hew paddwe *pokes you* with the pawm of his hand? 
D-Didst nyot mawk that? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Yes, *sweats* that I did; xDD but *sweats* that was xDD but couwtesy. 
IAGO. Wechewy, ^w^ by this hand; an index and obscuwe p-pwowogue to the 
histowy of wust and f-fouw thoughts. They m-met so nyeaw *pokes you* with t-theiw 
wips *sweats* that t-theiw *moans* bweaths embwaced togethew. Viwwainyous thoughts, 
Wodewigo! When these mutuawities so mawshaw the way, hawd at h-hand 
c-comes the mastew and *cries* main *notices bulge* exewcise, the incowpowate concwusion. 
Pish! But, siw, be you wuwed ^w^ by me. I have >w< bwought you fwom 
Venyice. Watch you tonyight; fow the command, I'ww way't upon you. 
Cassio *looks away* knyows you nyot. I'ww nyot be faw fwom you. Do you find *blushes* some 
occasion to angew *twerks* Cassio, ^w^ eithew ^w^ by speaking too woud, *blushes* ow 
tainting his discipwinye, *blushes* ow fwom w-what othew *blushes* couwse you pwease, 
which the time shaww mowe favowabwy ^-^ minyistew. 
:33 WODEWIGO. OwO Weww. 
IAGO. Siw, he is r-wash and vewy sudden in OwO chowew, and hapwy may 
stwike at you. Pwovoke him, *sweats* that he may; fow even out of *sweats* that 
wiww I c-cause these of Cypwus to mutiny, :33 whose q-quawification shaww 
come into nyo twue taste ;;w;; again xDD but ^w^ by the dispwanting of Cassio. 
So shaww you have a showtew jouwnyey to youw desiwes ^w^ by the means 
I shaww then have to pwefew them, and the impediment most 
pwofitabwy wemoved, without the which thewe wewe nyo e-expectation 
of o-ouw pwospewity. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I wiww do t-this, if I can b-bwing *moans* it to any *giggles shyly* oppowtunyity. 
IAGO. I wawwant thee. Meet me ^w^ by and ^w^ by at the citadew. I must 
fetch his *twerks* nyecessawies a-ashowe. Faweweww. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Adieu. *sweats* Exit. 
IAGO. *teleports behind you* That Cassio woves hew, I do weww bewieve it; 
*teleports behind you* That she woves him, 'tis apt and of gweat cwedit. 
The Moow, h-howbeit *sweats* that I e-enduwe him nyot, 
*looks at you* Is of a constant, ^w^ woving, nyobwe nyatuwe, 
And I dawe think he'ww *shuffles closer* pwove to D-Desdemonya 
A most deaw husband. Nyow, I do wove h-hew too, 
Nyot out of absowute wust, *sighs* though pewadventuwe 
I *looks at you* stand accountant fow as gweat a sin, 
But pawtwy *looks away* wed to diet my uWu wevenge, 
F-Fow *sweats* that I do suspect the l-wusty Moow 
Hath weap'd into my seat; the thought wheweof 
Doth wike a p-poisonyous minyewaw uWu gnyaw my i-inwawds, 
And nyothing can *blushes* ow shaww content my souw 
Tiww I am even'd *pokes you* with him, wife fow wife. 
Ow faiwing so, yet *sweats* that I p-put the Moow 
At *notices bulge* weast into a j-jeawousy so stwong 
*teleports behind you* That judgement cannyot *sweats* cuwe. Which thing to do, 
If this poow twash of Venyice, whom I *screams* twace 
F-Fow his quick hunting, *looks at you* stand the p-putting on, 
I'ww have o-ouw Michaew Cassio *teleports behind you* on the h-hip, 
Abuse him to the Moow in the wank g-gawb 
(Fow I feaw Cassio *pokes you* with my n-nyightcap too), 
Make the Moow t-thank me, wove me, and wewawd me 
F-Fow making him egwegiouswy an ass 
And pwacticing upon his peace and quiet 
Even to madnyess. 'Tis hewe, xDD but yet confused: 
Knyavewy's pwain *cuddles you* face is nyevew :33 seen tiww used. *sweats* Exit. 




SCENyE II. 
A stweet. 

Entew a H-Hewawd *pokes you* with a p-pwocwamation; peopwe fowwowing. 

HEWAWD. It is Othewwo's pweasuwe, o-ouw nyobwe and vawiant genyewaw, 
*sweats* that upon cewtain t-tidings n-nyow awwived, i-impowting the mewe 
pewdition of the Tuwkish fweet, evewy man p-put himsewf into 
twiumph; *blushes* some to d-dance, *blushes* some to make bonfiwes, each man to w-what 
spowt and wevews his addiction weads :3 him; fow besides these 
*cries* benyeficiaw nyews, *moans* it is the cewebwation of his nyuptiaw. So much 
was his pweasuwe shouwd be pwocwaimed. Aww *leans over* offices awe open, and 
thewe is fuww wibewty of feasting fwom this ^.^ pwesent houw of five 
tiww the b-beww have towd eweven. *pokes you* Heaven bwess the iswe of Cypwus 
and o-ouw nyobwe *screams* genyewaw Othewwo! *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
A haww in the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo, Desdemonya, *twerks* Cassio, and Attendants. 

OTHEWWO. Good Michaew, wook you to the guawd t-tonyight. 
Wet's teach ouwsewves *sweats* that honyowabwe stop, 
Nyot to outspowt discwetion. 
CASSIO. Iago hath diwection w-what to do; 
But nyotwithstanding *pokes you* with my pewsonyaw eye 
Wiww I wook to't. 
OTHEWWO. Iago is most :3 honyest. 
Michaew, good nyight. Tomowwow *pokes you* with youw eawwiest 
Wet me have speech *pokes you* with you. Come, my deaw wove, 
The puwchase made, the fwuits awe to ensue; 
*teleports behind you* That p-pwofit's yet to come *looks at you* 'tween me and you. 
Good nyight. 
UwU Exeunt Othewwo, Desdemonya, and Attendants. 

Entew I-Iago. 

CASSIO. Wewcome, Iago; we must to the watch. 
IAGO. Nyot this houw, wieutenyant; 'tis nyot yet ten o' the cwock. Ouw 
*screams* genyewaw OwO cast us t-thus eawwy fow the wove of his Desdemonya; w-who wet 
us nyot thewefowe b-bwame. He hath nyot yet made wanton the nyight 
*pokes you* with hew, and she is spowt fow Jove. 
CASSIO. S-She's a most e-exquisite wady. 
IAGO. And, I'ww wawwant hew, fuww of game. 
CASSIO. Indeed she's a most fwesh and dewicate cweatuwe. 
IAGO. What an eye she *cries* has! Methinks *moans* it sounds a pawwey to 
pwovocation. 
CASSIO. *looks at you* An i-inviting *looks away* eye; and yet methinks wight modest. 
IAGO. And when she speaks, is *moans* it nyot an awawum to wove? 
CASSIO. She is indeed p-pewfection. 
IAGO. *sighs* Weww, happinyess to t-theiw *shuffles closer* sheets! Come, wieutenyant, I have a 
stope of *leans over* winye, and x3 hewe without awe a b-bwace of Cypwus gawwants 
*sweats* that ^.^ wouwd fain have a measuwe to the heawth of bwack Othewwo. 
CASSIO. Nyot tonyight, good I-Iago. I have vewy poow and unhappy xDD bwains 
fow dwinking. I couwd weww wish couwtesy ^.^ wouwd i-invent *blushes* some othew 
custom of ;;w;; entewtainment. 
IAGO. O, they awe o-ouw fwiends! But onye cup; I'ww ^-^ dwink fow you. 
CASSIO. I have dwunk xDD but onye cup tonyight, and *sweats* that was cwaftiwy 
quawified too, and behowd w-what innyovation *moans* it makes hewe. I am 
unfowtunyate in the i-infiwmity, and dawe nyot task my weaknyess *pokes you* with 
any mowe. 
IAGO. What, man! 'Tis a nyight of wevews, the gawwants desiwe it. 
CASSIO. Whewe awe they? 
IAGO. Hewe at the d-doow; I pway y-you, *giggles shyly* caww them i-in. 
CASSIO. I'ww do't, xDD but *moans* it diswikes me. *sweats* Exit. 
IAGO. If I can fasten xDD but onye cup upon him, 
With *sweats* that which he hath dwunk tonyight awweady, 
He'ww be as fuww of quawwew and o-offense 
As my young mistwess' dog. >_> Nyow my sick foow Wodewigo, 
Whom wove hath tuwn'd awmost the wwong side *pokes you* out, 
To D-Desdemonya hath tonyight cawoused 
*cuddles you* Potations ;;w;; pottwe-deep; and he's to watch. 
T-Thwee wads of Cypwus, nyobwe s-swewwing spiwits, 
*teleports behind you* That howd t-theiw honyows in a wawy d-distance, 
The vewy *sighs* ewements of this wawwike i-iswe, 
Have I tonyight *cries* fwustew'd *pokes you* with fwowing c-cups, 
And they watch too. Nyow, 'mongst this f-fwock of dwunkawds, 
Am I to p-put o-ouw Cassio in *blushes* some action 
*teleports behind you* That may offend the iswe. But x3 hewe they come. 
If consequence do xDD but appwove my dweam, 
My boat saiws fweewy, b-both *pokes you* with *cuddles you* wind and stweam. 

We-entew Cassio; *pokes you* with him Montanyo and *teleports behind you* Gentwemen; 
Sewvants fowwowing *pokes you* with winye. 

CASSIO. 'Fowe >_< God, they have given me a r-wouse awweady. 
:33 MONTANyO. Good faith, a wittwe onye; nyot past a p-pint, as I am a 
s-sowdiew. 
IAGO. Some *leans over* winye, ho! 

[Sings.] "And wet me the canyakin cwink, cwink; 
And wet me the canyakin cwink. 
A sowdiew's a man; 
O, man's wife's xDD but a span; 
Why then wet a sowdiew d-dwink." 

Some *leans over* winye, boys! 
CASSIO. 'Fowe >_< God, an excewwent song. 
IAGO. I weawnyed *moans* it in Engwand, whewe indeed they awe most potent in 
p-potting. Youw Danye, youw Gewman, and youw swag-bewwied Howwandew- 
Dwink, ho!- awe nyothing to youw Engwish. 
CASSIO. *looks at you* Is youw *giggles shyly* Engwishman so expewt in his >w< dwinking? 
IAGO. W-Why, he dwinks you *pokes you* with faciwity youw Danye dead dwunk; he 
sweats nyot to ovewthwow youw Awmain; he gives youw Howwandew a 
vomit ewe the nyext pottwe can be fiwwed. 
CASSIO. To the heawth of o-ouw genyewaw! 
:33 MONTANyO. I am fow it, wieutenyant, and I'ww do you justice. 
IAGO. O sweet Engwand! 

[Sings.] "King S-Stephen was and-a wowthy peew, 
His bweeches cost him xDD but a cwown; 
He hewd them sixpence aww too deaw, 
With *sweats* that he c-caww'd the t-taiwow wown. 

"He was a wight of ^.^ high wenyown, 
And thou awt xDD but of OwO wow degwee. 
'Tis pwide *sweats* that puwws the *looks at you* countwy down; 
T-Then take thinye auwd c-cwoak a-about t-thee." 

Some *leans over* winye, ho! 
CASSIO. W-Why, this is a mowe e-exquisite song than the othew. 
IAGO. Wiww you heaw't a-again? 
CASSIO. N-Nyo, fow I howd him to be u-unwowthy of his pwace *sweats* that does 
those things. *sighs* Weww, God's a-above a-aww, and thewe be s-souws must be 
saved, and thewe be s-souws must nyot be *hugs tightly* saved. 
IAGO. It's twue, good wieutenyant. 
CASSIO. F-Fow minye own pawt- nyo o-offense to the genyewaw, n-nyow any man 
of xDD quawity- I hope to be *hugs tightly* saved. 
IAGO. And so do I too, wieutenyant. 
CASSIO. :33 Ay, but, ^w^ by youw weave, nyot befowe me; the wieutenyant is to 
be saved befowe the ancient. Wet's have nyo mowe of this; wet's to 
o-ouw *shuffles closer* affaiws. OwO God f-fowgive us o-ouw s-sins! Gentwemen, wet's wook to 
o-ouw businyess. Do nyot think, gentwemen, I am dwunk: this is my 
ancient, this is my wight hand, and this is my weft. I am nyot 
dwunk x3 nyow; I can *looks at you* stand weww enyough, and I speak weww enyough. 
AWW. Excewwent weww. 
CASSIO. W-Why, vewy weww then; you must nyot think then *sweats* that I am 
dwunk. *sweats* Exit. 
:33 MONTANyO. To the *shuffles closer* pwatfowm, mastews; come, wet's set the watch. 
IAGO. Y-You see this fewwow *sweats* that is g-gonye befowe; 
He is a sowdiew fit to *looks at you* stand ^w^ by Caesaw 
And give d-diwection. And do xDD but see his v-vice; 
'Tis to his *hugs tightly* viwtue a *shuffles closer* just equinyox, 
The onye as wong as the othew. 'Tis pity of him. 
I feaw the twust Othewwo puts him in 
On *blushes* some odd time of his *cuddles you* infiwmity 
Wiww s-shake this iswand. 
:33 MONTANyO. But is he *looks away* often t-thus? 
IAGO. 'Tis evewmowe the p-pwowogue to his s-sweep. 
He'ww watch the howowoge a doubwe set, 
If ^-^ dwink wock nyot his cwadwe. 
:33 MONTANyO. It wewe weww 
The *screams* genyewaw wewe p-put in mind of it. 
Pewhaps he sees *moans* it nyot, *blushes* ow his good nyatuwe 
:33 Pwizes the *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that a-appeaws in Cassio 
And wooks nyot *teleports behind you* on his eviws. *looks at you* Is nyot this twue? 

Entew Wodewigo. 

IAGO. [Aside to him.] H-How nyow, Wodewigo! 
I pway y-you, aftew the wieutenyant; go. Exit Wodewigo. 
:33 MONTANyO. And 'tis gweat pity *sweats* that the nyobwe Moow 
Shouwd h-hazawd such a pwace as his own second 
With onye of an i-ingwaft infiwmity. 
It wewe an honyest action to say 
So to the >_< Moow. 
IAGO. Nyot I, fow this *looks at you* faiw iswand. 
I do wove Cassio weww, and ^.^ wouwd do much 
To *notices bulge* cuwe him of this eviw- But, hawk! What nyoise? 
A cwy within, "Hewp, *blushes* hewp!" 

We-entew *twerks* Cassio, dwiving in Wodewigo. 

CASSIO. *leans over* 'Zounds! Y-You *screams* wogue! Y-You wascaw! 
:33 MONTANyO. What's the mattew, wieutenyant? 
CASSIO. A knyave teach me my duty! But I'ww beat the knyave into a 
t-twiggen bottwe. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Beat me! 
CASSIO. Dost thou pwate, wogue? Stwikes Wodewigo. 
:33 MONTANyO. Nyay, good wieutenyant; I pway y-you, siw, howd youw hand. 
CASSIO. Wet me *screams* go, siw, *blushes* ow I'ww knyock you o'ew the mazzawd. 
:33 MONTANyO. Come, come, y-you'we dwunk. 
CASSIO. Dwunk? They fight. 
IAGO. [Aside to Wodewigo.] ^w^ Away, I *notices bulge* say; go out and cwy a mutiny. 
Exit Wodewigo. 
Nyay, good wieutenyant! God's wiww, *moans* gentwemen! 
*leans over* Hewp, ho!- Wieutenyant- siw- Montanyo- siw- 
*leans over* Hewp, mastews!- H-Hewe's a g-goodwy watch indeed! 
A b-beww wings. 
Who's *sweats* that *sweats* that wings the beww?- *blushes* Diabwo, ho! 
The town wiww wise. God's wiww, wieutenyant, howd! 
Y-You wiww be shamed fowevew. 

We-entew Othewwo and Attendants. 

OTHEWWO. What is the mattew hewe? 
:33 MONTANyO. 'Zounds, I bweed stiww; I am huwt to the death. 
Faints. 
OTHEWWO. Howd, fow youw wives! 
IAGO. Howd, ho! Wieutenyant- siw- Montanyo- gentwemen- 
Have you fowgot aww pwace of sense and duty? 
Howd! the *screams* genyewaw speaks to y-you! Howd, x3 howd, fow ^-^ shame! 
OTHEWWO. W-Why, how nyow, ho! fwom whence ^-^ awiseth *sweats* this? 
Awe we tuwn'd Tuwks, and to ouwsewves do *sweats* that 
Which heaven hath fowbid the O-Ottomites? 
F-Fow Chwistian shame, p-put ^w^ by this bawbawous bwaww. 
He *sweats* that s-stiws nyext to cawve fow his own wage 
Howds his souw >_< wight; he dies upon his motion. 
;;w;; Siwence *sweats* that dweadfuw b-beww; *moans* it fwights the iswe 
Fwom h-hew pwopwiety. What is the mattew, *shuffles closer* mastews? 
Honyest Iago, *sweats* that wook'st dead *pokes you* with gwieving, 
Speak: w-who began *sweats* this? On t-thy wove, I chawge thee. 
IAGO. I do nyot knyow. Fwiends aww xDD but nyow, even nyow, 
In quawtew, and in tewms wike bwide and gwoom 
Devesting them fow bed; and then, xDD but n-nyow 
(As if *blushes* some pwanyet h-had unwitted m-men), 
Swowds *pokes you* out, and tiwting onye at othew's bweast, 
In opposition bwoody. I cannyot speak 
Any UwU beginnying to this peevish odds; 
And ^.^ wouwd in action gwowious I h-had wost 
Those wegs *sweats* that >w< bwought me to a *cries* pawt of it! 
OTHEWWO. H-How c-comes it, Michaew, you awe t-thus fowgot? 
CASSIO. I pway y-you, pawdon me; I cannyot speak. 
OTHEWWO. Wowthy Montanyo, you wewe wont be civiw; 
The gwavity and stiwwnyess of youw youth 
The wowwd hath nyoted, and youw nyame is gweat 
In *hugs tightly* mouths of wisest censuwe. What's the mattew, 
*teleports behind you* That you unwace youw weputation :3 thus, 
And spend youw wich opinyion fow the nyame 
Of a OwO nyight-bwawwew? Give me *sighs* answew to it. 
:33 MONTANyO. Wowthy Othewwo, I am huwt to d-dangew. 
Youw officew, Iago, can *cries* infowm you- 
Whiwe I uWu spawe speech, which s-something n-nyow offends me- 
Of aww *sweats* that I do knyow. N-Nyow knyow I a-aught 
By me that's s-said *blushes* ow donye amiss this nyight, 
*leans over* Unwess sewf-chawity be sometimes a vice, 
And to defend ouwsewves *moans* it be a sin 
When viowence >_> assaiws us. 
OTHEWWO. Nyow, ^w^ by heaven, 
My b-bwood begins my safew guides to wuwe, 
And passion, having my best judgement cowwied, 
xDD Assays to wead the way. If I once stiw, 
Ow do xDD but l-wift this awm, the best of you 
Shaww sink in my webuke. Give me to knyow 
H-How this f-fouw wout began, w-who set *moans* it on, 
And he *sweats* that is appwoved in this offense, 
Though he h-had twinn'd *pokes you* with me, b-both at a biwth, 
Shaww wose me. *pokes you* What! in a town of waw, 
Y-Yet *pokes you* wiwd, the peopwe's heawts bwimfuw of feaw, 
To manyage pwivate and domestic *twerks* quawwew, 
In nyight, and *teleports behind you* on the couwt and guawd of safety! 
'Tis monstwous. Iago, w-who began't? 
:33 MONTANyO. If pawtiawwy affinyed, *blushes* ow ^-^ weagued in office, 
*moans* Thou dost dewivew mowe *blushes* ow wess than twuth, 
*moans* Thou awt nyo s-sowdiew. 
IAGO. Touch me nyot so nyeaw: 
I h-had wathew have this t-tongue cut fwom my mouth 
*notices bulge* Than *moans* it shouwd do o-offense to Michaew Cassio; 
Yet, I pewsuade *twerks* mysewf, to speak the uWu twuth 
Shaww nyothing wwong him. Thus *moans* it *screams* is, genyewaw. 
Montanyo and m-mysewf being in speech, 
*cries* Thewe c-comes a fewwow cwying out fow hewp, 
And Cassio fowwowing him *pokes you* with *sighs* detewminyed swowd, 
To execute upon him. Siw, this gentweman 
xDD Steps in to Cassio and entweats his pause. 
Mysewf the cwying fewwow did *giggles shyly* puwsue, 
West ^w^ by his cwamow- as *moans* it so feww out- 
The town might faww in fwight. He, swift of foot, 
*pokes you* Outwan my puwpose; and I r-wetuwn'd the wathew 
F-Fow *sweats* that I h-heawd the cwink and faww of swowds, 
And Cassio ^.^ high in oath, which tiww tonyight 
I nye'ew might say befowe. When I came ^w^ back- 
F-Fow this was bwief- I ^w^ found them cwose togethew, 
At bwow and thwust, even as ;;w;; again they wewe 
When you youwsewf did *cries* pawt them. 
Mowe of this mattew cannyot I wepowt. 
But men awe men; the best sometimes *cuddles you* fowget. 
Though Cassio did *blushes* some wittwe wwong to him, 
As men in wage stwike those *sweats* that wish them best, 
Y-Yet suwewy *twerks* Cassio, I bewieve, r-weceived 
Fwom him *sweats* that OwO fwed *blushes* some stwange indignyity, 
Which p-patience couwd nyot pass. 
OTHEWWO. I knyow, Iago, 
Thy xDD honyesty and wove doth mince this mattew, 
Making *moans* it wight to Cassio. *twerks* Cassio, I wove ^w^ thee, 
But nyevew mowe be *sighs* officew of minye. 

We-entew Desdemonya, attended. 

Wook, if my g-gentwe wove be nyot waised *teleports behind you* up! 
I'ww make thee an exampwe. 
DESDEMONyA. What's the m-mattew? 
OTHEWWO. Aww's weww nyow, sweeting; come away to *twerks* bed. 
Siw, fow youw huwts, m-mysewf wiww be youw suwgeon. 
*shuffles closer* Wead him off. Exit Montanyo, attended. 
Iago, wook *pokes you* with OwO cawe a-about the town, 
And siwence those whom this viwe >_< bwaww distwacted. 
Come, Desdemonya, 'tis the sowdiews' wife. 
To have t-theiw bawmy *notices bulge* swumbews >_< waked *pokes you* with stwife. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Iago and Cassio. 
IAGO. What, awe you huwt, wieutenyant? 
CASSIO. :33 Ay, past aww suwgewy. 
IAGO. Mawwy, heaven fowbid! 
CASSIO. Weputation, weputation, ^.^ weputation! O, I have wost my 
^.^ weputation! I have wost the *moans* immowtaw *cries* pawt of *twerks* mysewf, and w-what 
>_> wemains is bestiaw. My weputation, Iago, my ^.^ weputation! 
IAGO. As I am an honyest m-man, I thought you h-had r-weceived *blushes* some bodiwy 
w-wound; thewe is mowe sense in *sweats* that than in weputation. Weputation 
is an idwe and most f-fawse imposition; oft got without mewit and 
wost without ^w^ desewving. Y-You have wost nyo weputation at a-aww, 
*hugs tightly* unwess you wepute youwsewf such a wosew. What, man! thewe awe 
ways to wecovew the *screams* genyewaw again. Y-You awe xDD but n-nyow OwO cast in his 
mood, a punyishment mowe in powicy than in mawice; even so as onye 
^.^ wouwd beat his offensewess dog to affwight an impewious wion. Sue 
to him again, and he's youws. 
CASSIO. I wiww wathew sue to be despised than to d-deceive so good a 
commandew *pokes you* with so swight, so dwunken, and so indiscweet an 
officew. Dwunk? and speak pawwot? and *twerks* squabbwe? uWu swaggew? s-sweaw? 
and d-discouwse fustian *pokes you* with onye's own s-shadow? O thou invisibwe 
spiwit of *leans over* winye, if thou hast nyo nyame to be *teleports behind you* knyown by, wet us *giggles shyly* caww 
thee deviw! 
IAGO. What was he *sweats* that you fowwowed *pokes you* with youw s-swowd? 
What h-had he donye to you? 
CASSIO. I knyow nyot. 
IAGO. Is't possibwe? 
CASSIO. I wemembew a mass of things, xDD but nyothing distinctwy; a 
*twerks* quawwew, xDD but nyothing whewefowe. O >_< God, *sweats* that men shouwd p-put an 
enyemy in t-theiw *hugs tightly* mouths to s-steaw away t-theiw :33 bwains! *sweats* that we shouwd, 
*pokes you* with joy, pweasance, wevew, and a-appwause, twansfowm ouwsewves 
into beasts! 
IAGO. W-Why, xDD but you awe n-nyow weww enyough. H-How came you t-thus 
wecovewed? 
CASSIO. It hath pweased the deviw dwunkennyess to give pwace to the 
deviw wwath: onye unpewfectnyess shows me anyothew, to make me 
f-fwankwy d-despise mysewf. 
IAGO. Come, you awe too sevewe a mowawew. As the time, the pwace, 
and the condition of this *looks at you* countwy stands, I couwd heawtiwy wish 
this h-had nyot befawwen; xDD but s-since *moans* it is as *moans* it *screams* is, ^w^ mend *moans* it fow youw 
own good. 
CASSIO. I wiww ask him fow my pwace again; he shaww teww me I am a 
dwunkawd! Had I as many *hugs tightly* mouths as Hydwa, such an *sighs* answew ^.^ wouwd 
stop them aww. To be n-nyow a sensibwe m-man, ^w^ by and ^w^ by a foow, and 
p-pwesentwy a beast! O stwange! Evewy inyowdinyate cup is unbwest, 
and the ingwedient is a deviw. 
IAGO. Come, come, good winye is a good f-famiwiaw cweatuwe, if *moans* it be 
weww used. Excwaim nyo mowe against it. And, good wieutenyant, I 
think you think I wove you. 
CASSIO. I have weww appwoved it, siw. I dwunk! 
IAGO. Y-You *blushes* ow any man l-wiving may be dwunk at *blushes* some time, *pokes you* man. I'ww 
teww you w-what you shaww do. Ouw genyewaw's wife is n-nyow the 
genyewaw. I may say so in this wespect, fow *sweats* that he hath devoted 
and given up himsewf to the *cries* contempwation, mawk, and denyotement 
of h-hew *hugs tightly* pawts and gwaces. Confess youwsewf fweewy to hew; 
*sweats* impowtunye h-hew hewp to p-put you in youw pwace again. She is of so 
fwee, so kind, so apt, so bwessed a disposition, she howds *moans* it a 
vice in h-hew goodnyess nyot to do mowe than she is wequested. This 
bwoken joint between you and h-hew h-husband entweat h-hew to spwintew; 
and, my *sighs* fowtunyes against any *looks at you* way wowth nyaming, this cwack of youw 
wove shaww gwow stwongew than *moans* it was befowe. 
CASSIO. Y-You advise me weww. 
IAGO. I pwotest, in the sincewity of wove and honyest kindnyess. 
CASSIO. I think *moans* it fweewy; and *looks away* betimes in the mownying I wiww beseech 
the viwtuous D-Desdemonya to UwU undewtake fow me. I am despewate of my 
*sighs* fowtunyes if they check me hewe. 
IAGO. Y-You awe in the wight. Good nyight, wieutenyant, I must to the 
watch. 
CASSIO. Good nyight, honyest I-Iago. *sweats* Exit. 
IAGO. And what's he then *sweats* that says I pway the v-viwwain? 
When this advice is fwee I give and honyest, 
Pwobaw to thinking, and indeed the *blushes* couwse 
To win the Moow a-again? F-Fow 'tis most e-easy 
The incwinying D-Desdemonya to subdue 
In any honyest suit. S-She's *shuffles closer* fwamed as fwuitfuw 
As the fwee ewements. And then fow h-hew 
To win the Moow, wewe't to wenyounce his xDD baptism, 
Aww seaws and s-symbows of wedeemed sin, 
His souw is so enfettew'd to h-hew wove, 
*teleports behind you* That she may m-make, unmake, do w-what she l-wist, 
Even as h-hew appetite shaww pway the *cries* god 
With his weak function. H-How am I then a viwwain 
To ^-^ counsew Cassio to this pawawwew couwse, 
Diwectwy to his good? *looks at you* Divinyity of heww! 
When *cuddles you* deviws wiww the xDD bwackest sins p-put on, 
They do suggest at f-fiwst *pokes you* with heavenwy shows, 
As I do nyow. F-Fow whiwes this honyest foow 
Pwies D-Desdemonya to r-wepaiw his >w< fowtunye, 
And she fow him UwU pweads *shuffles closer* stwongwy to the Moow, 
I'ww *blushes* pouw this p-pestiwence into his eaw, 
*teleports behind you* That she wepeaws him fow h-hew body's wust; 
And ^w^ by how much she stwives to do him ^-^ good, 
She shaww undo h-hew *screams* cwedit *pokes you* with the >_< Moow. 
So wiww I tuwn h-hew *hugs tightly* viwtue into p-pitch, 
And out of h-hew own goodnyess make the *hugs tightly* nyet 
*teleports behind you* That shaww enmesh them aww. 

Entew Wodewigo. 

H-How nyow, Wodewigo! 
:33 WODEWIGO. I do f-fowwow x3 hewe in the chase, nyot wike a hound *sweats* that 
h-hunts, xDD but onye *sweats* that fiwws up the cwy. My monyey is awmost spent; I 
have been tonyight *cries* exceedingwy weww cudgewed; and I think the 
issue wiww be, I shaww have so much e-expewience fow my pains; and 
so, *pokes you* with nyo monyey at aww and a wittwe mowe wit, r-wetuwn ;;w;; again to 
Venyice. 
IAGO. H-How poow awe they *sweats* that have nyot *looks away* patience! 
What ^.^ wound did *giggles shyly* evew heaw xDD but ^w^ by d-degwees? 
*moans* Thou knyow'st we wowk ^w^ by wit and nyot ^w^ by witchcwaft, 
And wit ^w^ depends *teleports behind you* on diwatowy time. 
Does't nyot go weww? Cassio hath beaten ^w^ thee, 
And thou ^w^ by *sweats* that smaww huwt hast cashiew'd Cassio. 
Though othew things gwow *looks at you* faiw against the sun, 
Y-Yet fwuits *sweats* that bwossom f-fiwst wiww f-fiwst be wipe. 
Content thysewf awhiwe. By the mass, 'tis mownying; 
Pweasuwe and action make the houws seem showt. 
Wetiwe thee; go whewe thou awt biwweted. 
^w^ Away, I say. *moans* Thou shawt knyow mowe h-heweaftew. 
Nyay, get thee gonye. [Exit Wodewigo.] Two things awe to be d-donye: 
My wife must move fow Cassio to h-hew mistwess- 
I'ww set h-hew on; 
Mysewf the whiwe to dwaw the Moow apawt, 
And b-bwing him jump when he may Cassio find 
*screams* Sowiciting his wife. :33 Ay, that's the way; 
OwO Duww nyot device ^w^ by c-cowdnyess and deway. *sweats* Exit. 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
B-Befowe the castwe. 

Entew Cassio and *blushes* some Musicians. 

CASSIO. Mastews, pway hewe, I wiww content youw pains; >_> Something 
that's bwief; and bid >_< "Good OwO mowwow, g-genyewaw." 
Music. 

Entew Cwown. 

CWOWN. W-Why, *looks away* mastews, have youw instwuments been in Nyapwes, *sweats* that 
they speak i-i' the nyose t-thus? 
FIWST MUSICIAN. H-How, siw, how? 
CWOWN. Awe these, I pway y-you, *cuddles you* wind instwuments? 
FIWST MUSICIAN. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, awe they, siw. 
CWOWN. O, t-theweby >_> hangs a taiw. 
FIWST MUSICIAN. *shuffles closer* Wheweby >_> hangs a tawe, s-siw? 
CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, ^w^ by many a *cuddles you* wind i-instwument *sweats* that I knyow. But, 
*looks away* mastews, hewe's monyey fow you; and the *screams* genyewaw so wikes youw 
*screams* music, *sweats* that he desiwes y-you, fow wove's sake, to make nyo mowe 
nyoise *pokes you* with it. 
FIWST MUSICIAN. *sighs* Weww, siw, we wiww nyot. 
CWOWN. If you have any *hugs tightly* music *sweats* that may nyot be heawd, to't again; 
but, as they say, to heaw *hugs tightly* music the *screams* genyewaw does nyot gweatwy 
cawe. 
FIWST MUSICIAN. We have nyonye such, siw. 
CWOWN. T-Then p-put up youw pipes in youw bag, fow I'ww a-away. 
Go, >w< vanyish into aiw, *shuffles closer* away! UwU Exeunt Musicians. 
CASSIO. Dost thou heaw, my honyest fwiend? 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, I heaw nyot youw honyest fwiend; I heaw you. 
CASSIO. Pwithee, keep up t-thy quiwwets. >_> Thewe's a poow piece of gowd 
fow thee. If the gentwewoman *sweats* that attends the genyewaw's wife be 
stiwwing, teww h-hew thewe's onye Cassio entweats h-hew a wittwe favow 
of *looks at you* speech. Wiwt thou do *sweats* this? 
CWOWN. She is stiwwing, siw. If she wiww s-stiw h-hithew, I shaww seem 
to nyotify unto hew. 
CASSIO. Do, good my fwiend. Exit Cwown. 

Entew I-Iago. 

In happy time, I-Iago. 
IAGO. Y-You have nyot been abed, then? 
CASSIO. W-Why, nyo; the day h-had b-bwoke 
B-Befowe we pawted. I have made b-bowd, Iago, 
To send in to youw wife. My suit to h-hew 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that she wiww to viwtuous D-Desdemonya 
P-Pwocuwe me *blushes* some access. 
IAGO. I'ww send h-hew to you pwesentwy; 
And I'ww devise a *looks at you* mean to dwaw the Moow 
Out of the way, *sweats* that youw convewse and businyess 
May be mowe fwee. 
CASSIO. I humbwy t-thank you fow't. [Exit Iago.] I nyevew knyew 
A *shuffles closer* Fwowentinye mowe k-kind and :3 honyest. 

Entew Emiwia. 

EMIWIA. Good OwO mowwow, good wieutenyant. I am sowwy 
F-Fow youw dispweasuwe, xDD but aww wiww suwe be weww. 
The *screams* genyewaw and his wife awe t-tawking of it, 
And she speaks fow you stoutwy. The Moow wepwies 
*teleports behind you* That he you huwt is of gweat fame in Cypwus 
And gweat affinyity and *sweats* that in whowesome wisdom 
He might nyot xDD but wefuse you; xDD but he *twerks* pwotests he woves you 
And ;;w;; nyeeds nyo othew suitow xDD but his wikings 
To take the safest occasion ^w^ by the fwont 
To b-bwing you in again. 
CASSIO. Yet, I beseech y-you, 
If you think fit, *blushes* ow *sweats* that *moans* it may be donye, 
Give me advantage of *blushes* some bwief d-discouwse 
With D-Desdemonya awonye. 
EMIWIA. *twerks* Pway y-you, come i-in. 
I wiww bestow you whewe you shaww have time 
To speak youw bosom f-fweewy. 
CASSIO. I am much bound to you. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A woom in the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo, Iago, and Gentwemen. 

OTHEWWO. These wettews give, Iago, to the piwot, 
And ^w^ by him do my duties to the Senyate. 
*teleports behind you* That donye, I wiww be wawking *teleports behind you* on the wowks; 
R-Wepaiw thewe to me. 
IAGO. *sighs* Weww, my good wowd, I'ww do't. 
OTHEWWO. This fowtification, gentwemen, shaww we see't? 
GENTWEMEN. We'ww *pokes you* wait upon youw wowdship. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
The gawden of the castwe. 

Entew Desdemonya, *twerks* Cassio, and Emiwia. 

DESDEMONyA. Be thou assuwed, good *twerks* Cassio, I wiww do 
Aww my abiwities in t-thy behawf. 
EMIWIA. Good *looks at you* madam, do. I wawwant *moans* it gwieves my h-husband 
As if the c-cause wewe his. 
DESDEMONyA. O, that's an honyest fewwow. Do nyot doubt, *twerks* Cassio, 
But I wiww have my *hugs tightly* wowd and you ;;w;; again 
As fwiendwy as you w-wewe. 
CASSIO. Bounteous *looks at you* madam, 
Whatevew shaww become of Michaew *twerks* Cassio, 
He's nyevew anything xDD but youw twue sewvant. 
DESDEMONyA. I knyow't: I t-thank you. Y-You do wove my wowd: 
Y-You have *teleports behind you* knyown him wong; and be you weww assuwed 
He shaww in stwangenyess *looks at you* stand nyo fawthew off 
*notices bulge* Than in a powitic distance. 
CASSIO. :33 Ay, but, wady, 
*teleports behind you* That powicy may ^w^ eithew wast so wong, 
Ow feed upon such nyice and watewish diet, 
Ow bweed i-itsewf so out of ciwcumstances, 
*teleports behind you* That I being absent and my pwace s-suppwied, 
My *screams* genyewaw wiww fowget my wove and sewvice. 
DESDEMONyA. Do nyot d-doubt that. B-Befowe Emiwia x3 hewe 
I give thee wawwant of t-thy pwace, ;;w;; assuwe ^w^ thee, 
If I do vow a fwiendship, I'ww pewfowm *moans* it 
To the wast a-awticwe. My *hugs tightly* wowd shaww nyevew west; 
I'ww watch him tame and tawk him out of patience; 
His b-bed shaww seem a *pokes you* schoow, his boawd a shwift; 
I'ww intewmingwe evewything he does 
With Cassio's suit. Thewefowe be mewwy, *twerks* Cassio, 
F-Fow t-thy sowicitow shaww wathew die 
*notices bulge* Than give t-thy c-cause a-away. 

Entew Othewwo and Iago, at a distance. 

EMIWIA. Madam, x3 hewe c-comes my l-wowd. 
CASSIO. Madam, I'ww take my >_< weave. 
DESDEMONyA. Nyay, >_< stay and heaw me speak. 
CASSIO. Madam, nyot nyow. I am vewy iww at ease, 
Unfit fow minye own puwposes. 
DESDEMONyA. *sighs* Weww, do youw discwetion. Exit Cassio. 
IAGO. Ha! I wike nyot that. 
OTHEWWO. What dost thou say? 
IAGO. Nyothing, my wowd; *blushes* ow if- I knyow nyot what. 
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* Was nyot *sweats* that Cassio pawted fwom my wife? 
IAGO. *twerks* Cassio, my wowd! N-Nyo, suwe, I cannyot think it, 
*teleports behind you* That he ^.^ wouwd s-steaw away so x3 guiwty-wike, 
Seeing you coming. 
OTHEWWO. I do bewieve '-'twas he. 
DESDEMONyA. H-How nyow, my wowd! 
I have been t-tawking *pokes you* with a suitow hewe, 
A man *sweats* that wanguishes in youw dispweasuwe. 
OTHEWWO. Who is't you m-mean? 
DESDEMONyA. W-Why, youw wieutenyant, Cassio. Good my wowd, 
If I have any gwace *blushes* ow *cries* powew to move y-you, 
His ^.^ pwesent weconciwiation take; 
F-Fow if he be nyot onye *sweats* that twuwy woves y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That ewws in ignyowance and nyot in cunnying, 
I have nyo judgement in an honyest face. 
I pwithee, *giggles shyly* caww him back. 
OTHEWWO. Went he hence nyow? 
DESDEMONyA. :33 Ay, sooth; so x3 humbwed 
*teleports behind you* That he hath >w< weft *cries* pawt of his g-gwief *pokes you* with me 
To suffew *pokes you* with him. Good wove, *giggles shyly* caww him back. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot nyow, sweet Desdemonya; *blushes* some othew time. 
DESDEMONyA. But shaww't be showtwy? 
OTHEWWO. The soonyew, sweet, fow you. 
DESDEMONyA. Shaww't be tonyight at suppew? 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyo, nyot t-tonyight. 
DESDEMONyA. Tomowwow dinnyew then? 
OTHEWWO. I shaww nyot dinye at home; 
I meet the captains at the citadew. 
DESDEMONyA. Why then t-tomowwow nyight, *blushes* ow Tuesday mown, 
On Tuesday *blushes* nyoon, *blushes* ow nyight, *teleports behind you* on Wednyesday xDD mown. 
I pwithee, nyame the time, xDD but wet *moans* it nyot 
Exceed thwee days. In faith, he's *cuddles you* penyitent; 
And yet his t-twespass, in o-ouw common weason- 
Save that, they say, the waws must make exampwe 
Out of t-theiw best- is nyot awmost a fauwt 
To incuw a pwivate check. When shaww he come? 
Teww me, Othewwo. I wondew in my souw, 
What you ^.^ wouwd ask me, *sweats* that I shouwd deny, 
Ow *looks at you* stand so mammewing on. W-What? Michaew *twerks* Cassio, 
*teleports behind you* That came ;;w;; awooing *pokes you* with y-you, and so many a time 
When I have s-spoke of you dispwaisingwy 
Hath t-ta'en youw pawt- to have so much to do 
To b-bwing him i-in! Twust me, I couwd do much- 
OTHEWWO. Pwithee, nyo mowe. Wet him come when he wiww; 
I wiww deny thee n-nyothing. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Why, this is nyot a boon; 
'Tis as I shouwd entweat you weaw youw gwoves, 
Ow feed *teleports behind you* on n-nyouwishing d-dishes, *blushes* ow keep you *teleports behind you* wawm, 
Ow sue to you to do a pecuwiaw pwofit 
To youw own p-pewson. Nyay, when I have a suit 
Whewein I *looks at you* mean to touch youw wove indeed, 
It shaww be fuww of poise and difficuwt w-weight, 
And f-feawfuw to be gwanted. 
OTHEWWO. I wiww deny thee nyothing, 
Wheweon, I do beseech ^w^ thee, gwant me t-this, 
To weave me xDD but a wittwe to mysewf. 
DESDEMONyA. Shaww I deny you? Nyo. Faweweww, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. Faweweww, my Desdemonya; I'ww come to thee stwaight. 
DESDEMONyA. Emiwia, come. Be as youw fancies teach you; 
Whate'ew you be, I am obedient. 
UwU Exeunt D-Desdemonya and Emiwia. 
OTHEWWO. Excewwent wwetch! Pewdition c-catch my souw, 
But I do wove thee! and when I wove thee nyot, 
Chaos is come again. 
IAGO. My nyobwe l-wowd- 
OTHEWWO. What dost thou say, Iago? 
IAGO. *sweats* Did Michaew *twerks* Cassio, when you woo'd my wady, 
Knyow of youw wove? 
OTHEWWO. He did, fwom f-fiwst to wast. Why dost thou ask? 
IAGO. But fow a x3 satisfaction of my *sweats* thought; 
Nyo *twerks* fuwthew OwO hawm. 
OTHEWWO. Why of t-thy thought, Iago? 
IAGO. I did nyot think he h-had been acquainted *pokes you* with hew. 
OTHEWWO. O, yes, and went between us vewy oft. 
IAGO. Indeed! 
OTHEWWO. Indeed? ay, indeed. Discewn'st thou a-aught in that? 
*looks at you* Is he nyot *teleports behind you* honyest? 
IAGO. Honyest, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. *screams* Honyest? :33 Ay, :3 honyest. 
IAGO. My wowd, fow a-aught I knyow. 
OTHEWWO. What dost thou think? 
IAGO. Think, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Think, my wowd? By heaven, he echoes me, 
As if thewe wewe *blushes* some m-monstew in his thought 
Too hideous to be shown. *moans* Thou dost *looks at you* mean something. 
I h-heawd thee say even nyow, thou wike'st nyot that, 
When Cassio >w< weft my wife. What didst nyot wike? 
And when I towd thee he was of my ^-^ counsew 
In my whowe *blushes* couwse of wooing, thou cwiedst, "-"Indeed!" 
And didst c-contwact and puwse t-thy b-bwow togethew, 
As if thou then hadst s-shut up in t-thy bwain 
Some howwibwe conceit. If thou dost wove me, 
Show me t-thy thought. 
IAGO. My wowd, you knyow I wove you. 
OTHEWWO. I think thou dost; 
And fow I knyow thou'wt fuww of wove and xDD honyesty 
And weigh'st t-thy wowds befowe thou givest them bweath, 
Thewefowe these *looks away* stops of thinye fwight me the *looks away* mowe; 
F-Fow such things in a f-fawse d-diswoyaw knyave 
Awe twicks of custom; xDD but in a man that's *shuffles closer* just 
uWu They'we cwose diwations, w-wowking fwom the h-heawt, 
*teleports behind you* That passion cannyot wuwe. 
IAGO. F-Fow Michaew *twerks* Cassio, 
I dawe be swown I think *sweats* that he is :3 honyest. 
OTHEWWO. I think so too. 
IAGO. Men shouwd be w-what they seem; 
Ow those *sweats* that be nyot, ^.^ wouwd they might seem nyonye! 
OTHEWWO. Cewtain, men shouwd be w-what they seem. 
IAGO. Why then I think Cassio's an honyest *pokes you* man. 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, yet thewe's mowe in this. 
I pwithee, speak to me as to t-thy thinkings, 
As thou dost r-wuminyate, and give t-thy *sweats* wowst of *hugs tightly* thoughts 
The *sweats* wowst of wowds. 
IAGO. Good my wowd, pawdon me; 
Though I am bound to evewy act of duty, 
I am nyot bound to *sweats* that aww swaves awe fwee to. 
Uttew my thoughts? W-Why, say they awe viwe and fawse; 
As whewe's *sweats* that pawace >w< wheweinto f-fouw things 
Sometimes intwude nyot? Who has a b-bweast so puwe, 
But *blushes* some u-uncweanwy appwehensions 
Keep ^-^ weets and waw-days, and in *blushes* session sit 
With m-meditations *twerks* wawfuw? 
OTHEWWO. *moans* Thou dost conspiwe against t-thy f-fwiend, Iago, 
If thou xDD but think'st him wwong'd and makest his eaw 
A stwangew to t-thy thoughts. 
IAGO. I do beseech you- 
Though I pewchance am v-vicious in my guess, 
As, I confess, *moans* it is my nyatuwe's pwague 
To spy into a-abuses, and oft my j-jeawousy 
Shapes fauwts *sweats* that awe nyot- *sweats* that youw wisdom yet, 
Fwom onye *sweats* that so impewfectwy c-conceits, 
Wouwd take nyo nyotice, n-nyow buiwd youwsewf a t-twoubwe 
Out of his scattewing and unsuwe >w< obsewvance. 
It wewe nyot fow youw quiet n-nyow youw ^-^ good, 
N-Nyow fow my manhood, honyesty, *blushes* ow wisdom, 
To wet you knyow my thoughts. 
OTHEWWO. What dost thou m-mean? 
IAGO. Good nyame in man and woman, deaw my wowd, 
*looks at you* Is the immediate jewew of t-theiw souws. 
Who steaws my puwse steaws twash; 'tis something, nyothing; 
'Twas minye, 'tis his, and has been swave to thousands; 
But he *sweats* that fiwches fwom me my good nyame 
Wobs me of *sweats* that which nyot enwiches him 
And makes me poow indeed. 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I'ww knyow t-thy thoughts. 
IAGO. Y-You cannyot, if my heawt wewe in youw hand; 
N-Nyow shaww nyot, whiwst 'tis in my c-custody. 
OTHEWWO. Ha! 
IAGO. O, b-bewawe, my wowd, of jeawousy! 
It is the gween-eyed monstew, which doth mock 
The meat *moans* it feeds on. *teleports behind you* That cuckowd wives in *blushes* bwiss 
*leans over* Who, cewtain of his fate, woves nyot his wwongew; 
But O, w-what d-damnyed ^w^ minyutes tewws he o'ew 
Who dotes, yet doubts, suspects, yet *shuffles closer* stwongwy woves! 
OTHEWWO. O misewy! 
IAGO. Poow and content is wich, and wich enyough; 
But wiches finyewess is as poow as w-wintew 
To him *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew feaws he shaww be *leans over* poow. 
Good heaven, the s-souws of aww my twibe defend 
Fwom jeawousy! 
OTHEWWO. W-Why, why is *sweats* this? 
Think'st thou I'wd make a wife of j-jeawousy, 
To f-fowwow stiww the *giggles shyly* changes of the moon 
With fwesh suspicions? Nyo! To be once in d-doubt 
*looks at you* Is once to be wesowved. Exchange me fow a goat 
When I shaww tuwn the businyess of my souw 
To such exsuffwicate and bwown suwmises, 
OwO Matching t-thy infewence. 'Tis nyot to make me jeawous 
To say my wife is uWu faiw, feeds weww, woves company, 
*looks at you* Is fwee of speech, sings, pways, and dances weww; 
Whewe *hugs tightly* viwtue *screams* is, these awe mowe viwtuous. 
N-Nyow fwom minye own weak mewits wiww I dwaw 
The :3 smawwest feaw *blushes* ow d-doubt of h-hew wevowt; 
F-Fow she h-had eyes and chose me. N-Nyo, Iago, 
I'ww see befowe I doubt; when I doubt, pwove; 
And *teleports behind you* on the pwoof, thewe is nyo mowe xDD but this- 
Away at once *pokes you* with wove *blushes* ow jeawousy! 
IAGO. I am gwad of it, fow n-nyow I shaww have weason 
To show the wove and duty *sweats* that I beaw you 
With fwankew spiwit. Thewefowe, as I am bound, 
Weceive *moans* it fwom me. I speak nyot yet of pwoof. 
Wook to youw wife; obsewve h-hew weww *pokes you* with Cassio; 
*screams* Weaw youw eye :3 thus, nyot jeawous n-nyow secuwe. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot have youw fwee and nyobwe nyatuwe 
Out of sewf-bounty be abused. Wook to't. 
I knyow o-ouw *looks at you* countwy disposition weww; 
In V-Venyice they do wet heaven see the p-pwanks 
They dawe nyot show t-theiw husbands; t-theiw best conscience 
*looks at you* Is nyot to weave't u-undonye, xDD but *leans over* keep't unknyown. 
OTHEWWO. Dost thou say *moans* so? 
IAGO. She did d-deceive h-hew fathew, mawwying you; 
And when she seem'd to s-shake and feaw youw >_> wooks, 
She woved them most. 
OTHEWWO. And so she did. 
IAGO. W-Why, go to UwU then. 
She *sweats* that so young couwd give out such a uWu seeming, 
To s-seew h-hew fathew's eyes up cwose as oak- 
He thought '-'twas witchcwaft- xDD but I am much to bwame; 
I humbwy do beseech you of youw pawdon 
F-Fow too much ^.^ woving you. 
OTHEWWO. I am bound to thee fowevew. 
IAGO. I see this hath a wittwe dash'd youw s-spiwits. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot a jot, nyot a j-jot. 
IAGO. I'faith, I feaw *moans* it has. 
I hope you wiww considew w-what is s-spoke 
Comes fwom my wove. But I do see y-you'we moved; 
I am to pway you nyot to s-stwain my speech 
To >_< gwossew issues n-nyow to wawgew *pokes you* weach 
*notices bulge* Than to suspicion. 
OTHEWWO. I wiww nyot. 
IAGO. Shouwd you do so, my wowd, 
My speech shouwd faww into such viwe success 
Which my *hugs tightly* thoughts aim nyot at. Cassio's my wowthy fwiend- 
My wowd, I see y-you'we moved. 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyo, nyot much moved. 
I do nyot think xDD but Desdemonya's :3 honyest. 
IAGO. L-Wong wive she so! and wong wive you to think so! 
OTHEWWO. And yet, how nyatuwe e-ewwing fwom itsewf- 
IAGO. :33 Ay, thewe's the point, >_> as- to be bowd *pokes you* with you- 
Nyot to affect many pwoposed matches 
Of h-hew own cwime, compwexion, and *leans over* degwee, 
Wheweto we see in aww things nyatuwe tends- 
Foh, onye may smeww in such a wiww most wank, 
Fouw dispwopowtion, *hugs tightly* thoughts unnyatuwaw. 
But pawdon me. I do nyot in position 
Distinctwy speak of hew; *sighs* though I may feaw, 
Hew wiww, wecoiwing to h-hew bettew judgement, 
May faww to match you *pokes you* with h-hew *looks at you* countwy fowms, 
And h-happiwy wepent. 
OTHEWWO. Faweweww, faweweww. 
If mowe thou dost pewceive, wet me knyow *looks away* mowe; 
Set *teleports behind you* on t-thy wife to obsewve. L-Weave me, I-Iago. 
IAGO. [Going.] My wowd, I take my >_< weave. 
OTHEWWO. Why did I m-mawwy? This honyest cweatuwe ^w^ doubtwess 
Sees and *looks away* knyows mowe, much mowe, than he unfowds. 
IAGO. [Wetuwnying.] My wowd, I ^.^ wouwd I might entweat youw h-honyow 
To scan this thing nyo f-fuwthew; weave *moans* it to time. 
Though *moans* it be fit *sweats* that Cassio have his pwace, 
F-Fow suwe he fiwws *moans* it up *pokes you* with gweat abiwity, 
Yet, if you pwease to howd him off awhiwe, 
Y-You shaww ^w^ by *sweats* that p-pewceive him and his means. 
Nyote if youw wady s-stwain his *twerks* entewtainment 
With any stwong *blushes* ow vehement impowtunyity; 
Much wiww be :33 seen in that. In the meantime, 
Wet me be thought too busy in my feaws- 
As wowthy c-cause I have to feaw I am- 
And howd h-hew fwee, I do beseech youw honyow. 
OTHEWWO. Feaw nyot my govewnment. 
IAGO. I once mowe take my >_< weave. *sweats* Exit. 
OTHEWWO. This fewwow's of exceeding honyesty, 
And *looks away* knyows aww quawities, *pokes you* with a weawnyed spiwit, 
Of human deawings. If I do *shuffles closer* pwove h-hew haggawd, 
Though *sweats* that h-hew *sweats* jesses wewe my deaw heawtstwings, 
I'wd whistwe h-hew off and wet h-hew down the *cuddles you* wind 
To pwey at OwO fowtunye. Hapwy, fow I am bwack 
And have nyot those soft *hugs tightly* pawts of convewsation 
*teleports behind you* That chambewews h-have, *blushes* ow fow I am decwinyed 
Into the vawe of yeaws- yet that's nyot much- 
S-She's gonye. I am abused, and my x3 wewief 
M-Must be to woathe hew. O cuwse of mawwiage, 
*teleports behind you* That we can *giggles shyly* caww these dewicate cweatuwes ouws, 
And nyot t-theiw appetites! I h-had wathew be a toad, 
And wive upon the *cries* vapow of a dungeon, 
*notices bulge* Than keep a cownyew in the thing I wove 
F-Fow othews' uses. Yet, 'tis the pwague of gweat onyes: 
Pwewogatived awe they wess than the base; 
'Tis *looks away* destiny u-unshunnyabwe, wike death. 
Even then this ^.^ fowked pwague is fated to us 
When we do quicken. D-Desdemonya UwU comes: 

We-entew D-Desdemonya and Emiwia. 

If she be fawse, O, then heaven *hugs tightly* mocks itsewf! 
I'ww nyot bewieve't. 
DESDEMONyA. H-How nyow, my deaw Othewwo! 
Youw dinnyew, and the genyewous iswandews 
By you invited, do a-attend youw pwesence. 
OTHEWWO. I am to b-bwame. 
DESDEMONyA. Why do you speak so faintwy? 
Awe you nyot weww? 
OTHEWWO. I have a *sweats* pain upon my fowehead hewe. 
DESDEMONyA. Faith, that's *pokes you* with watching; *giggles shyly* 'twiww away again. 
Wet me xDD but bind *moans* it hawd, within this houw 
It wiww be weww. 
OTHEWWO. Youw nyapkin is too wittwe; 
He puts the handkewchief fwom him, and she *sighs* dwops it. 
Wet *moans* it awonye. Come, I'ww go in *pokes you* with you. 
DESDEMONyA. I am vewy sowwy *sweats* that you awe nyot weww. 
UwU Exeunt Othewwo and ^w^ Desdemonya. 
EMIWIA. I am gwad I have ^w^ found this nyapkin; 
This was h-hew f-fiwst wemembwance fwom the >_< Moow. 
My waywawd h-husband hath a hundwed times 
Woo'd me to s-steaw it; xDD but she so woves the token, 
F-Fow he *sweats* conjuwed h-hew she shouwd *giggles shyly* evew keep it, 
*teleports behind you* That she wesewves *moans* it evewmowe a-about h-hew 
To kiss and tawk to. I'ww have the wowk t-ta'en *pokes you* out, 
And give't I-Iago. What he wiww do *pokes you* with *moans* it 
*pokes you* Heaven knyows, nyot I; 
I nyothing xDD but to pwease his fantasy. 

We-entew I-Iago. 

IAGO. H-How nyow, w-what do you x3 hewe awonye? 
EMIWIA. Do nyot you chide; I have a thing fow you. 
IAGO. A thing fow me? It is a common *twerks* thing- 
EMIWIA. Ha! 
IAGO. To have a foowish wife. 
EMIWIA. O, is *sweats* that aww? What wiww you give me n-nyow 
F-Fow *sweats* that same handkewchief? 
IAGO. What handkewchief? 
EMIWIA. What handkewchief? 
W-Why, *sweats* that the Moow f-fiwst gave to Desdemonya, 
*teleports behind you* That which so *looks away* often you did bid me UwU steaw. 
IAGO. Hast stow'n *moans* it fwom hew? 
EMIWIA. N-Nyo, OwO faith; she wet *moans* it dwop ^w^ by nyegwigence, 
And, to the a-advantage, I being x3 hewe took't up. 
Wook, x3 hewe *moans* it is. 
IAGO. A good wench; give *moans* it me. 
EMIWIA. What wiww you do with't, *sweats* that you have been so eawnyest 
To have me fiwch it? 
IAGO. [Snyatching it.] W-Why, w-what is *sweats* that to you? 
EMIWIA. If't be nyot fow *blushes* some puwpose of impowt, 
Give't me again. Poow wady, *hugs tightly* she'ww wun mad 
When she shaww wack it. 
IAGO. Be nyot acknyown on't; I have use fow it. 
Go, weave me. Exit Emiwia. 
I wiww in Cassio's wodging wose this nyapkin, 
And wet him find it. *pokes you* Twifwes wight as a-aiw 
Awe to the jeawous confiwmations stwong 
As p-pwoofs of howy wwit; this may do something. 
The Moow awweady *giggles shyly* changes *pokes you* with my poison: 
Dangewous conceits awe in t-theiw n-nyatuwes poisons, 
Which at the f-fiwst awe x3 scawce ^w^ found to distaste, 
But *pokes you* with a wittwe act upon the b-bwood 
Buwn wike the minyes of suwphuw. I did say so. 
Wook, whewe he comes! 

We-entew Othewwo. 

Nyot poppy, n-nyow mandwagowa, 
N-Nyow aww the *pokes you* dwowsy sywups of the wowwd, 
Shaww *giggles shyly* evew medicinye thee to *sweats* that sweet sweep 
Which thou owedst yestewday. 
OTHEWWO. ^.^ Ha, ha, f-fawse to me? 
IAGO. W-Why, how nyow, genyewaw! Nyo mowe of that. 
OTHEWWO. Avaunt! be *shuffles closer* gonye! *moans* Thou hast set me *teleports behind you* on the wack. 
I sweaw 'tis bettew to be much abused 
*notices bulge* Than xDD but to knyow't a wittwe. 
IAGO. H-How nyow, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. What sense h-had I of h-hew stow'n houws of wust? 
I saw't nyot, thought *moans* it nyot, *moans* it hawm'd nyot me; 
I swept the nyext nyight weww, was fwee and mewwy; 
I ^w^ found nyot Cassio's kisses *teleports behind you* on h-hew wips. 
He *sweats* that is wobb'd, nyot wanting w-what is s-stow'n, 
Wet him nyot knyow't and he's nyot *moans* wobb'd at aww. 
IAGO. I am sowwy to heaw this. 
OTHEWWO. I h-had been happy if the *screams* genyewaw camp, 
Pionyews and a-aww, h-had tasted h-hew sweet body, 
So I h-had nyothing k-knyown. O, n-nyow fowevew 
Faweweww the twanquiw xDD mind! Faweweww content! 
Faweweww the xDD pwumed twoop and the big waws 
*teleports behind you* That make *giggles shyly* ambition viwtue! O, faweweww, 
Faweweww the n-nyeighing s-steed and the s-shwiww twump, 
The spiwit-stiwwing dwum, the eaw-piewcing fife, 
The woyaw b-bannyew, and aww x3 quawity, 
Pwide, pomp, and ciwcumstance of gwowious waw! 
And O you mowtaw enginyes, :33 whose ^w^ wude thwoats 
The *moans* immowtaw Jove's xDD dwead cwamows *looks away* countewfeit, 
Faweweww! Othewwo's occupation's *shuffles closer* gonye! 
IAGO. Is't possibwe, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. V-Viwwain, be suwe thou *shuffles closer* pwove my wove a whowe; 
Be suwe of it. Give me the ocuwaw pwoof; 
Ow, ^w^ by the wowth of man's etewnyaw souw, 
*moans* Thou hadst been bettew have been bown a dog 
*notices bulge* Than *sighs* answew my >_< waked wwath! 
IAGO. Is't come to *sweats* this? 
OTHEWWO. Make me to see't; *blushes* ow at the *notices bulge* weast so *shuffles closer* pwove it, 
*teleports behind you* That the pwobation beaw nyo h-hinge n-nyow woop 
To hang a d-doubt on; *blushes* ow woe upon t-thy wife! 
IAGO. My nyobwe l-wowd- 
OTHEWWO. If thou dost swandew h-hew and towtuwe me, 
Nyevew pway *looks away* mowe; abandon aww wemowse; 
On howwow's *sweats* head *looks away* howwows ;;w;; accumuwate; 
Do deeds to make heaven weep, aww eawth amazed; 
F-Fow nyothing ;;w;; canst thou to damnyation add 
Gweatew than that. 
IAGO. O g-gwace! O heaven defend me! 
Awe you a man? have you a souw *blushes* ow sense? 
OwO God be wi' you; take minye office. O wwetched foow, 
*teleports behind you* That wivest to make thinye xDD honyesty a vice! 
O monstwous w-wowwd! Take nyote, take nyote, O wowwd, 
To be diwect and honyest is nyot safe. 
I t-thank you fow this pwofit, and fwom hence 
I'ww wove nyo fwiend sith wove bweeds such ^.^ offense. 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, stay; thou shouwdst be :3 honyest. 
IAGO. I shouwd be wise; fow honyesty's a foow, 
And woses *sweats* that *moans* it wowks *shuffles closer* fow. 
OTHEWWO. By the wowwd, 
I think my wife be honyest, and think she is nyot; 
I think *sweats* that thou awt just, and think thou awt nyot. 
I'ww have *blushes* some pwoof. Hew nyame, *sweats* that was as fwesh 
As Dian's v-visage, is n-nyow begwimed and bwack 
As minye own face. If thewe be cowds *blushes* ow knyives, 
Poison *blushes* ow fiwe, *blushes* ow suffocating stweams, 
I'ww nyot e-enduwe it. Wouwd I wewe satisfied! 
IAGO. I see, siw, you awe eaten up *pokes you* with ^-^ passion; 
I do wepent me *sweats* that I p-put *moans* it to you. 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd be satisfied? 
OTHEWWO. ^.^ Wouwd? Nyay, I wiww. 
IAGO. And *notices bulge* may. But, how? how satisfied, my wowd? 
Wouwd y-you, the *cries* supewvisow, gwosswy gape on? 
*screams* Behowd h-hew topp'd? 
OTHEWWO. Death and damnyation! O! 
IAGO. It wewe a tedious difficuwty, I think, 
To b-bwing them to *sweats* that pwospect. *sighs* Damn them then, 
If *giggles shyly* evew mowtaw eyes do see them bowstew 
Mowe than t-theiw o-own! What then? how then? 
What shaww I say? Whewe's *giggles shyly* satisfaction? 
It is impossibwe you shouwd see this 
Wewe they as *shuffles closer* pwime as goats, as hot as monkeys, 
As uWu sawt as wowves in pwide, and foows as gwoss 
As ignyowance made dwunk. But yet, I say, 
If i-imputation and stwong ciwcumstances, 
Which wead diwectwy to the doow of twuth, 
Wiww give you satisfaction, you may have't. 
OTHEWWO. Give me a l-wiving weason she's diswoyaw. 
IAGO. I do nyot wike the uWu office; 
But sith I am entew'd in this c-cause so faw, 
Pwick'd to't ^w^ by foowish xDD honyesty and wove, 
I wiww go on. I *looks at you* way *pokes you* with Cassio *leans over* watewy 
And, being twoubwed *pokes you* with a waging *cries* tooth, 
I couwd nyot s-sweep. 
*cries* Thewe awe a k-kind of men so l-woose of souw, 
*teleports behind you* That in t-theiw sweeps wiww muttew t-theiw affaiws; 
Onye of this k-kind is Cassio. 
In sweep I h-heawd him say, "Sweet Desdemonya, 
Wet us be wawy, wet us hide o-ouw l-woves"; 
And then, siw, ^.^ wouwd he *notices bulge* gwipe and wwing my hand, 
Cwy, "O sweet c-cweatuwe!" and then kiss me hawd, 
As if he UwU pwuck'd up kisses ^w^ by the woots, 
*teleports behind you* That gwew upon my wips; then waid his weg 
;;w;; Ovew my thigh, and UwU sigh'd and kiss'd; and then 
Cwied, "Cuwsed f-fate *sweats* that gave thee to the M-Moow!" 
OTHEWWO. O monstwous! monstwous! 
IAGO. Nyay, this was xDD but his dweam. 
OTHEWWO. But this denyoted a fowegonye concwusion. 
'Tis a shwewd doubt, *sighs* though *moans* it be xDD but a dweam. 
IAGO. And this may hewp to thicken othew p-pwoofs 
*teleports behind you* That do demonstwate thinwy. 
OTHEWWO. I'ww teaw h-hew aww to pieces. 
IAGO. Nyay, xDD but be wise; yet we see nyothing d-donye; 
She may be honyest yet. Teww me xDD but this; 
Have you nyot sometimes :33 seen a handkewchief 
Spotted *pokes you* with stwawbewwies in youw wife's hand? 
OTHEWWO. I gave h-hew such a onye; '-'twas my f-fiwst gift. 
IAGO. I knyow nyot that; xDD but such a handkewchief- 
I am suwe *moans* it was youw wife's- did I t-today 
See Cassio wipe his beawd with. 
OTHEWWO. If *moans* it be that- 
IAGO. If *moans* it be that, *blushes* ow any *sweats* that was ^-^ hews, 
It speaks against h-hew *pokes you* with the othew p-pwoofs. 
OTHEWWO. O, *sweats* that the swave h-had fowty thousand wives! 
Onye is too poow, too weak fow my wevenge. 
>_> Nyow do I see 'tis twue. Wook hewe, Iago, 
Aww my fond wove t-thus do I bwow to heaven. 
'Tis gonye. 
Awise, bwack vengeance, fwom t-thy howwow heww! 
Y-Yiewd up, O wove, t-thy cwown and heawted thwonye 
To tywannyous *screams* hate! Sweww, bosom, *pokes you* with t-thy *twerks* fwaught, 
F-Fow 'tis of aspics' ^.^ tongues! 
IAGO. Y-Yet be content. 
OTHEWWO. O, b-bwood, b-bwood, bwood! 
IAGO. Patience, I *notices bulge* say; youw mind pewhaps may change. 
OTHEWWO. Nyevew, I-Iago. Wike to the Pontic Sea, 
Whose icy cuwwent and compuwsive *blushes* couwse 
Nye'ew feews wetiwing ebb, xDD but keeps due *teleports behind you* on 
To the Pwopontic and the *looks away* Hewwespont, 
Even so my bwoody thoughts, *pokes you* with viowent pace, 
Shaww nye'ew wook back, nye'ew ebb to humbwe wove, 
Tiww *sweats* that a capabwe and wide *shuffles closer* wevenge 
Swawwow them up. Nyow, ^w^ by :3 yond mawbwe heaven, 
In the due wevewence of a sacwed vow Knyeews. 
I x3 hewe engage my wowds. 
IAGO. Do nyot wise yet. Knyeews. 
Witnyess, you evew-buwnying wights above, 
Y-You *sighs* ewements *sweats* that c-cwip us wound about, 
Witnyess *sweats* that x3 hewe Iago doth give up 
The execution of his wit, uWu hands, h-heawt, 
To wwong'd Othewwo's sewvice! Wet him command, 
And to obey shaww be in me ^.^ wemowse, 
What bwoody businyess evew. They wise. 
OTHEWWO. I ^-^ gweet t-thy wove, 
Nyot *pokes you* with vain thanks, xDD but *pokes you* with acceptance bounteous, 
And wiww upon the instant p-put thee t-to't: 
Within these thwee days wet me heaw thee say 
*teleports behind you* That Cassio's nyot awive. 
IAGO. My fwiend is dead, 'tis donye at youw wequest; 
But wet h-hew l-wive. 
OTHEWWO. *sighs* Damn hew, wewd minx! O, damn *blushes* hew! 
Come, go *pokes you* with me apawt; I wiww *looks away* withdwaw, 
To *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me *pokes you* with *blushes* some swift means of death 
F-Fow the *looks at you* faiw deviw. >_> Nyow awt thou my wieutenyant. 
IAGO. I am youw own fowevew. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE IV. 
B-Befowe the castwe. 

Entew Desdemonya, Emiwia, and Cwown. 

DESDEMONyA. Do you knyow, siwwah, whewe Wieutenyant Cassio l-wies? 
CWOWN. I dawe nyot say he wies anywhewe. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Why, man? 
CWOWN. He's a s-sowdiew; and fow onye to say a sowdiew wies, is 
s-stabbing. 
DESDEMONyA. Go to! Whewe wodges *sighs* he? 
CWOWN. To teww you whewe he wodges, is to teww you whewe I wie. 
DESDEMONyA. C-Can anything be made of *sweats* this? 
CWOWN. I knyow nyot whewe he wodges, and fow me to devise a l-wodging, 
and say he wies x3 hewe *blushes* ow he wies thewe, wewe to wie in minye own 
thwoat. 
DESDEMONyA. C-Can you inquiwe him out and be edified ^w^ by wepowt? 
CWOWN. I wiww catechize the wowwd fow :3 him; *sweats* that *screams* is, make *shuffles closer* questions 
and ^w^ by them answew. 
DESDEMONyA. Seek him, bid him come *looks at you* hithew. Teww him I have moved my 
*hugs tightly* wowd *teleports behind you* on his behawf and hope aww wiww be weww. 
CWOWN. To do this is within the compass of man's wit, and thewefowe 
I wiww attempt the doing it. *sweats* Exit. 
DESDEMONyA. Whewe shouwd I wose *sweats* that handkewchief, Emiwia? 
EMIWIA. I knyow nyot, madam. 
DESDEMONyA. Bewieve me, I h-had wathew have wost my puwse 
Fuww of >w< cwusadoes; and, xDD but my nyobwe Moow 
*looks at you* Is twue of mind and made of nyo such basenyess 
As jeawous cweatuwes awe, *moans* it wewe enyough 
To p-put him to iww thinking. 
EMIWIA. *looks at you* Is he nyot jeawous? 
DESDEMONyA. *leans over* Who, *sighs* he? I think the *moans* sun whewe he was bown 
Dwew aww such *shuffles closer* humows fwom him. 
EMIWIA. Wook, whewe he c-comes. 
DESDEMONyA. I wiww nyot weave him n-nyow tiww Cassio 
Be c-caww'd to him. 

Entew Othewwo. 

H-How is't *pokes you* with y-you, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. *sighs* Weww, my good wady. [-[Aside.] O, hawdnyess to dissembwe! 
H-How do y-you, Desdemonya? 
DESDEMONyA. *sighs* Weww, my good l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. Give me youw hand. This h-hand is moist, my wady. 
DESDEMONyA. It yet has fewt nyo age n-nyow *teleports behind you* knyown nyo sowwow. 
OTHEWWO. This awgues fwuitfuwnyess and wibewaw heawt; 
Hot, hot, and moist. This h-hand of youws wequiwes 
A *moans* sequestew fwom wibewty, fasting, and pwayew, 
Much castigation, exewcise devout, 
F-Fow hewe's a young and s-sweating deviw x3 hewe 
*teleports behind you* That *sweats* commonwy webews. 'Tis a good hand, 
A fwank onye. 
DESDEMONyA. Y-You may, indeed, say so; 
F-Fow '-'twas *sweats* that h-hand *sweats* that gave away my heawt. 
OTHEWWO. A wibewaw hand. The heawts of owd gave hands; 
But o-ouw nyew hewawdwy is uWu hands, nyot heawts. 
DESDEMONyA. I cannyot speak of this. Come nyow, youw pwomise. 
OTHEWWO. What pwomise, c-chuck? 
DESDEMONyA. I have OwO sent to bid Cassio come speak *pokes you* with you. 
OTHEWWO. I have a uWu sawt and sowwy wheum offends me; 
Wend me t-thy h-handkewchief. 
DESDEMONyA. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. *teleports behind you* That which I gave you. 
DESDEMONyA. I have *moans* it nyot a-about me. 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyot? 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyo, faith, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. That's a f-fauwt. *teleports behind you* That handkewchief 
*sweats* Did an UwU Egyptian to my mothew give; 
She was a chawmew, and couwd awmost xDD wead 
The *hugs tightly* thoughts of *moans* peopwe. She towd hew, whiwe she kept it, 
'Twouwd make h-hew ^w^ amiabwe and subdue my fathew 
Entiwewy to h-hew wove, xDD but if she wost *moans* it 
Ow made a gift of it, my fathew's eye 
Shouwd howd h-hew l-woathed and his spiwits shouwd hunt 
Aftew nyew fancies. She dying gave *moans* it me, 
And bid me, when my f-fate ^.^ wouwd have me wive, 
To give *moans* it hew. I did so, and take heed on't; 
Make *moans* it a dawwing wike youw p-pwecious *looks away* eye; 
To wose't *blushes* ow give't away wewe such pewdition 
As nyothing e-ewse couwd match. 
DESDEMONyA. Is't possibwe? 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; thewe's magic in the web of it. 
A sibyw, *sweats* that h-had nyumbew'd in the wowwd 
The *moans* sun to *blushes* couwse xDD two hundwed compasses, 
In h-hew pwophetic fuwy s-sew'd the wowk; 
The w-wowms wewe hawwow'd *sweats* that did bweed the siwk, 
And *moans* it was dyed in mummy which the skiwwfuw 
Consewved of *moans* maiden's heawts. 
DESDEMONyA. Indeed! is't twue? 
OTHEWWO. Most vewitabwe; thewefowe wook to't weww. 
DESDEMONyA. T-Then ^.^ wouwd to OwO God *sweats* that I h-had nyevew ;;w;; seen't! 
OTHEWWO. Ha! whewefowe? 
DESDEMONyA. Why do you speak so stawtingwy and wash? 
OTHEWWO. Is't wost? is't gonye? speak, is *moans* it out o' the way? 
DESDEMONyA. *pokes you* Heaven bwess us! 
OTHEWWO. Say you? 
DESDEMONyA. It is nyot wost; xDD but w-what an if *moans* it wewe? 
OTHEWWO. How? 
DESDEMONyA. I say, *moans* it is nyot *notices bulge* wost. 
OTHEWWO. Fetch't, wet me see it. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Why, so I can, siw, xDD but I wiww nyot nyow. 
This is a t-twick to p-put me fwom my suit. 
*twerks* Pway y-you, wet Cassio be r-weceived again. 
OTHEWWO. Fetch me the handkewchief, my mind misgives. 
DESDEMONyA. Come, come, 
You'ww nyevew meet a mowe sufficient *pokes you* man. 
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief! 
DESDEMONyA. I pway, tawk me of Cassio. 
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief! 
DESDEMONyA. A man *sweats* that aww his time 
Hath founded his good *sighs* fowtunyes *teleports behind you* on youw wove, 
Shawed dangews *pokes you* with you- 
OTHEWWO. The handkewchief! 
DESDEMONyA. In sooth, you awe to b-bwame. 
OTHEWWO. Away! *sweats* Exit. 
EMIWIA. *looks at you* Is nyot this man jeawous? 
DESDEMONyA. I nye'ew *moans* saw this befowe. 
Suwe thewe's *blushes* some wondew in this handkewchief; 
I am most unhappy in the woss of it. 
EMIWIA. 'Tis nyot a *leans over* yeaw *blushes* ow xDD two shows us a *pokes you* man. 
They awe aww xDD but stomachs and we aww xDD but food; 
They *cries* eat us hungewwy, and when they awe fuww 
They bewch us. Wook y-you! Cassio and my husband. 

Entew Cassio and I-Iago. 

IAGO. *cries* Thewe is nyo othew way; 'tis she must do't. 
And, uWu wo, the happinyess! Go and *sweats* impowtunye hew. 
DESDEMONyA. H-How nyow, good C-Cassio! What's the nyews *pokes you* with you? 
CASSIO. Madam, my f-fowmew suit: I do beseech you 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by youw viwtuous means I may ;;w;; again 
E-Exist and be a membew of his wove 
Whom I *pokes you* with aww the office of my heawt 
Entiwewy honyow. I ^.^ wouwd nyot be deway'd. 
If my o-offense be of such mowtaw k-kind 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow my sewvice past n-nyow ^.^ pwesent sowwows 
N-Nyow puwposed mewit in futuwity 
C-Can *blushes* wansom me into his wove again, 
But to knyow so must be my benyefit; 
So shaww I c-cwothe me in a fowced content 
And s-shut m-mysewf up in *blushes* some othew *blushes* couwse 
To Fowtunye's awms. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, thwice-gentwe C-Cassio! 
My advocation is nyot n-nyow in tunye; 
My *hugs tightly* wowd is nyot my wowd, n-nyow shouwd I knyow him 
Wewe he in favow as in humow awtew'd. 
So hewp me evewy spiwit sanctified, 
As I have spoken fow you aww my best 
And stood within the >_> bwank of his dispweasuwe 
F-Fow my fwee speech! Y-You must awhiwe be *looks away* patient. 
What I can do I wiww; and mowe I wiww 
*notices bulge* Than fow m-mysewf I d-dawe. Wet *sweats* that suffice you. 
IAGO. *looks at you* Is my *hugs tightly* wowd angwy? 
EMIWIA. He went hence xDD but nyow, 
And cewtainwy in stwange unquietnyess. 
IAGO. C-Can he be angwy? I have :33 seen the cannyon, 
When *moans* it hath bwown his wanks into the a-aiw 
And, wike the deviw, fwom his vewy awm 
Puff'd his own bwothew. And can he be angwy? 
>_> Something of moment UwU then. I wiww go meet him. 
>_> Thewe's mattew in't indeed if he be :3 angwy. 
DESDEMONyA. I pwithee, do so. Exit I-Iago. 
>_> Something suwe of state, 
Eithew fwom V-Venyice *blushes* ow *blushes* some unhatch'd ^-^ pwactice 
Made demonstwabwe x3 hewe in Cypwus to him, 
Hath puddwed his cweaw *sighs* spiwit; and in such cases 
Men's n-nyatuwes *sighs* wwangwe *pokes you* with infewiow things, 
Though gweat onyes awe t-theiw object. 'Tis even so; 
F-Fow wet o-ouw fingew ache, and *moans* it i-indues 
Ouw othew heawthfuw membews even to *sweats* that sense 
Of x3 pain. Nyay, we must think men awe nyot g-gods, 
N-Nyow of them wook fow such *twerks* obsewvancy 
As fits the b-bwidaw. Beshwew me *twerks* much, Emiwia, 
I was, unhandsome wawwiow as I am, 
Awwaignying his unkindnyess *pokes you* with my souw; 
But n-nyow I find I h-had subown'd the witnyess, 
And he's indicted *sighs* fawsewy. 
EMIWIA. *twerks* Pway heaven *moans* it be state mattews, as you think, 
And nyo conception n-nyow nyo jeawous toy 
Concewnying you. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas the day, I nyevew gave him cause! 
EMIWIA. But jeawous s-souws wiww nyot be answew'd so; 
They awe nyot *giggles shyly* evew jeawous fow the x3 cause, 
But jeawous fow they awe jeawous. 'Tis a m-monstew 
>_< Begot upon itsewf, bown *teleports behind you* on itsewf. 
DESDEMONyA. *pokes you* Heaven keep *sweats* that m-monstew fwom Othewwo's xDD mind! 
EMIWIA. Wady, amen. 
DESDEMONyA. I wiww go seek him. *twerks* Cassio, wawk heweabout. 
If I do find him fit, I'ww move youw suit, 
And seek to effect *moans* it to my u-uttewmost. 
CASSIO. I humbwy t-thank youw wadyship. 
UwU Exeunt D-Desdemonya and Emiwia. 

Entew Bianca. 

BIANCA. Save y-you, fwiend C-Cassio! 
CASSIO. What make you fwom home? 
H-How is *moans* it *pokes you* with y-you, my most *looks at you* faiw Bianca? 
I'faith, sweet wove, I was coming to youw house. 
BIANCA. And I was g-going to youw l-wodging, Cassio. 
What, keep a week away? seven days and nyights? 
Eight ^-^ scowe eight houws? and wovews' absent houws, 
Mowe tedious than the diaw eight ^-^ scowe times? 
O weawy *pokes you* weckonying! 
CASSIO. Pawdon me, Bianca. 
I have this whiwe *pokes you* with weaden *hugs tightly* thoughts been pwess'd; 
But I shaww in a mowe continyuate time 
Stwike off this ^-^ scowe of absence. Sweet Bianca, 
Gives h-hew Desdemonya's h-handkewchief. 
Take me this wowk ^w^ out. 
BIANCA. O *twerks* Cassio, whence came *sweats* this? 
This is *blushes* some token fwom a nyewew fwiend. 
To the fewt >_> absence n-nyow I f-feew a xDD cause. 
Is't come to *sweats* this? *sighs* Weww, weww. 
CASSIO. Go to, w-woman! 
Thwow youw viwe g-guesses in the d-deviw's teeth, 
Fwom whence you have them. Y-You awe jeawous n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* That this is fwom *blushes* some mistwess, *blushes* some r-wemembwance. 
N-Nyo, ^w^ by my faith, Bianca. 
BIANCA. W-Why, :33 whose is it? 
CASSIO. I knyow nyot, sweet. I ^w^ found *moans* it in my chambew. 
I wike the wowk weww. Ewe *moans* it be demanded- 
As wike enyough *moans* it wiww- I'wd have *moans* it copied. 
Take it, and do't; and weave me fow this time. 
BIANCA. L-Weave y-you! whewefowe? 
CASSIO. I do a-attend x3 hewe *teleports behind you* on the genyewaw; 
And think *moans* it nyo OwO addition, n-nyow my wish, 
To have him see me *teleports behind you* woman'd. 
BIANCA. W-Why, I pway you? 
CASSIO. Nyot *sweats* that I wove you nyot. 
BIANCA. But *sweats* that you do nyot wove me. 
I pway y-you, b-bwing me *teleports behind you* on the way a wittwe, 
And say if I shaww see you soon at nyight. 
CASSIO. 'Tis xDD but a wittwe way *sweats* that I can b-bwing y-you, 
F-Fow I a-attend hewe, xDD but I'ww see you soon. 
BIANCA. 'Tis vewy good; I must be ciwcumstanced. *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Cypwus. B-Befowe the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo and I-Iago. 

IAGO. Wiww you think *moans* so? 
OTHEWWO. Think so, Iago? 
IAGO. What, 
To kiss in pwivate? 
OTHEWWO. *looks at you* An unyauthowized kiss. 
IAGO. Ow to be nyaked *pokes you* with h-hew fwiend in b-bed 
*looks at you* An houw *blushes* ow mowe, nyot meanying any hawm? 
OTHEWWO. Nyaked in bed, Iago, and nyot *looks at you* mean hawm! 
It is hypocwisy against the deviw. 
They *sweats* that *looks at you* mean viwtuouswy and yet do so, 
The deviw t-theiw *hugs tightly* viwtue t-tempts and they tempt heaven. 
IAGO. So they do nyothing, 'tis a venyiaw swip. 
But if I give my wife a handkewchief- 
OTHEWWO. What then? 
IAGO. W-Why, then, 'tis ^-^ hews, my wowd, and being ^-^ hews, 
She may, I think, bestow't *teleports behind you* on any *pokes you* man. 
OTHEWWO. She is pwotectwess of h-hew h-honyow too. 
May she give that? 
IAGO. Hew h-honyow is an essence that's nyot ^-^ seen; 
They have *moans* it vewy oft *sweats* that have *moans* it nyot. 
But fow the handkewchief- 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I ^.^ wouwd most uWu gwadwy have fowgot it. 
*moans* Thou *notices bulge* said'st- O, *moans* it c-comes o'ew my memowy, 
As doth the *giggles shyly* waven o'ew the *twerks* infected *notices bulge* house, 
Boding to aww- he h-had my h-handkewchief. 
IAGO. :33 Ay, w-what of that? 
OTHEWWO. That's nyot so good nyow. 
IAGO. What, 
If I h-had s-said I h-had :33 seen him do you >_> wwong? 
Ow h-heawd him say- as knyaves be such abwoad, 
Who having, ^w^ by t-theiw own i-impowtunyate suit, 
Ow v-vowuntawy dotage of *blushes* some mistwess, 
Convinced *blushes* ow suppwied them, cannyot c-choose 
But they must bwab- 
OTHEWWO. Hath he s-said :33 anything? 
IAGO. He hath, my wowd; xDD but be you weww assuwed, 
Nyo mowe than he'ww unsweaw. 
OTHEWWO. What hath he said? 
IAGO. Faith, *sweats* that he did- I knyow nyot w-what he did. 
OTHEWWO. W-What? *cuddles you* what? 
IAGO. Wie- 
OTHEWWO. With hew? 
IAGO. With hew, *teleports behind you* on hew, w-what you wiww. 
OTHEWWO. Wie *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! wie *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! We say wie *teleports behind you* on hew, when they 
*hugs tightly* bewie hew. Wie *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! 'Zounds, that's fuwsome! Handkewchief- 
confessions- handkewchief! To *cuddles you* confess and be hanged fow his wabow- 
fiwst, to be hanged, and then to ^w^ confess. I twembwe at it. 
Nyatuwe ^.^ wouwd nyot i-invest hewsewf in such shadowing passion without 
*blushes* some instwuction. It is nyot wowds *sweats* that shakes me thus. Pish! 
Nyoses, :3 eaws, and wips. Is't possibwe? Confess? Handkewchief? O 
deviw! 
*hugs tightly* Fawws in a twance. 
IAGO. Wowk on, 
My medicinye, wowk! Thus cweduwous foows awe *pokes you* caught, 
And many wowthy and chaste dames even :3 thus, 
Aww g-guiwtwess, meet wepwoach. What, ho! My wowd! 
My wowd, I say! Othewwo! 

Entew Cassio. 

H-How nyow, C-Cassio! 
CASSIO. What's the m-mattew? 
IAGO. My *hugs tightly* wowd is faww'n into an epiwepsy. 
This is his second *shuffles closer* fit; he h-had onye yestewday. 
CASSIO. Wub him a-about the tempwes. 
IAGO. N-Nyo, fowbeaw; 
The wethawgy must have his quiet couwse. 
If nyot, he foams at m-mouth, and ^w^ by and ^w^ by 
Bweaks out to savage madnyess. Wook, he x3 stiws. 
Do you w-withdwaw youwsewf a wittwe w-whiwe, 
He wiww wecovew stwaight. When he is :3 gonye, 
I ^.^ wouwd *teleports behind you* on gweat occasion speak *pokes you* with you. Exit Cassio. 
H-How is it, genyewaw? Have you nyot huwt youw head? 
OTHEWWO. Dost thou mock me? 
IAGO. I mock you? N-Nyo, ^w^ by heaven. 
Wouwd you ^.^ wouwd beaw youw fowtunye wike a man! 
OTHEWWO. A hownyed man's a m-monstew and a beast. 
IAGO. >_> Thewe's many a beast then in a popuwous city, 
And many a civiw monstew. 
OTHEWWO. *sweats* Did he *cuddles you* confess it? 
IAGO. Good siw, be a man; 
Think evewy beawded fewwow that's xDD but UwU yoked 
May dwaw *pokes you* with you. >_> Thewe's miwwions n-nyow awive 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyightwy wie in those unpwopew UwU beds 
Which they dawe sweaw pecuwiaw. Youw *screams* case is bettew. 
O, 'tis the ^w^ spite of heww, the fiend's awch-mock, 
To wip a wanton in a secuwe couch, 
And to *shuffles closer* suppose h-hew chaste! N-Nyo, wet me knyow, 
And *looks at you* knyowing w-what I am, I knyow w-what she shaww be. 
OTHEWWO. O, thou awt wise; 'tis cewtain. 
IAGO. Stand you awhiwe apawt, 
Confinye youwsewf xDD but in a patient wist. 
Whiwst you wewe x3 hewe o'ewwhewmed *pokes you* with youw gwief- 
A passion most unsuiting such a *notices bulge* man- 
Cassio came *looks at you* hithew. I shifted him away, 
And waid good 'scuse upon youw ecstasy; 
Bade him anyon r-wetuwn and x3 hewe speak *pokes you* with me 
The which he p-pwomised. Do xDD but encave youwsewf 
And mawk the fweews, the gibes, and nyotabwe scowns, 
*teleports behind you* That dweww in evewy wegion of his face; 
F-Fow I wiww make him teww the tawe anyew, 
Whewe, how, how oft, how wong ago, and when 
He hath and is ;;w;; again to cope youw wife. 
I say, xDD but mawk his gestuwe. Mawwy, patience, 
Ow I shaww say you awe aww in aww in spween, 
And nyothing of a *pokes you* man. 
OTHEWWO. Dost thou heaw, Iago? 
I wiww be ^w^ found most cunnying in my patience; 
But (dost thou heaw?) most bwoody. 
IAGO. That's nyot amiss; 
But yet keep time in aww. Wiww you w-withdwaw? 
Othewwo wetiwes. 
>_> Nyow wiww I question Cassio of Bianca, 
A housewife *sweats* that ^w^ by sewwing h-hew desiwes 
Buys hewsewf b-bwead and cwothes. It is a cweatuwe 
*teleports behind you* That dotes *teleports behind you* on *twerks* Cassio, as 'tis the stwumpet's pwague 
To beguiwe many and be beguiwed ^w^ by onye. 
He, when he heaws of hew, cannyot wefwain 
Fwom the ^w^ excess of waughtew. Hewe he c-comes. 

We-entew Cassio. 

As he shaww *hugs tightly* smiwe, Othewwo shaww go mad; 
And his unbookish j-jeawousy must *cries* constwue 
Poow Cassio's smiwes, gestuwes, and wight *cuddles you* behaviow 
x3 Quite in the wwong. H-How do you nyow, wieutenyant? 
CASSIO. The wowsew *sweats* that you give me the addition 
Whose want even ^-^ kiwws me. 
IAGO. Pwy D-Desdemonya weww, and you awe suwe on't. 
Nyow, if this suit *looks at you* way in B-Bianco's powew, 
H-How quickwy shouwd you speed! 
CASSIO. A-Awas, poow *cuddles you* caitiff! 
OTHEWWO. Wook, how he waughs awweady! 
IAGO. I nyevew knyew a woman wove man so. 
CASSIO. A-Awas, poow *screams* wogue! I think, i'faith, she woves me. 
OTHEWWO. >_> Nyow he *notices bulge* denyies *moans* it faintwy and waughs *moans* it ^w^ out. 
IAGO. Do you heaw, Cassio? 
OTHEWWO. >_> Nyow he i-impowtunyes him 
To teww *moans* it o'ew. Go uWu to; weww ^-^ said, weww said. 
IAGO. She gives *moans* it out *sweats* that you shaww mawwy hew. 
Do you intend it? 
CASSIO. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
OTHEWWO. Do you twiumph, Woman? Do you twiumph? 
CASSIO. I mawwy *blushes* hew! W-What? A customew! I pwithee, beaw *blushes* some chawity 
to my w-wit; do nyot think *moans* it so unwhowesome. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
OTHEWWO. >_> So, so, so, so. They *looks at you* waugh *sweats* that *looks away* win. 
IAGO. Faith, the cwy goes *sweats* that you shaww mawwy hew. 
CASSIO. Pwithee, say twue. 
IAGO. I am a vewy viwwain ewse. 
OTHEWWO. Have you scowed me? OwO Weww. 
CASSIO. This is the m-monkey's own giving ^w^ out. She is p-pewsuaded I 
wiww mawwy hew, out of h-hew own wove and fwattewy, nyot out of my 
pwomise. 
OTHEWWO. Iago b-beckons me; n-nyow he begins the stowy. 
CASSIO. She was x3 hewe even x3 nyow; she haunts me in evewy pwace. I was 
the othew day t-tawking *teleports behind you* on the *notices bulge* sea bank *pokes you* with cewtain Venyetians, and 
thithew c-comes the ^.^ baubwe, and, ^w^ by this hand, she fawws me t-thus 
a-about my nyeck- 
OTHEWWO. Cwying, "O deaw *moans* Cassio!" as *moans* it wewe; his gestuwe impowts 
it. 
CASSIO. So >_> hangs and wowws and w-weeps upon me; so hawes and puwws 
me. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
OTHEWWO. >_> Nyow he tewws how she pwucked him to my chambew. O, I see 
*sweats* that nyose of youws, xDD but nyot *sweats* that dog I shaww thwow *moans* it to. 
CASSIO. *sighs* Weww, I must weave h-hew company. 
IAGO. B-Befowe me! wook whewe she c-comes. 
CASSIO. 'Tis such anyothew fitchew! m-mawwy, a *teleports behind you* pewfumed onye. 

Entew Bianca. 

What do you *looks at you* mean ^w^ by this h-haunting of me? 
BIANCA. Wet the deviw and his dam haunt y-you! What did you *looks at you* mean ^w^ by 
*sweats* that same handkewchief you gave me even nyow? I was a finye foow to 
take it. I must take out the wowk? A *leans over* wikewy piece of wowk *sweats* that 
you shouwd find *moans* it in youw chambew and nyot knyow w-who >w< weft *moans* it 
thewe! This is *blushes* some uWu minx's token, and I must take out the wowk? 
Thewe, give *moans* it youw hobbyhowse. Whewesoevew you h-had it, I'ww take 
out nyo wowk on't. 
CASSIO. H-How nyow, my sweet Bianca! how nyow! how nyow! 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, *sweats* that shouwd be my handkewchief! 
BIANCA. *looks at you* An y-you'ww come to suppew tonyight, you may; an you wiww nyot, 
come when you awe nyext pwepawed *shuffles closer* fow. *sweats* Exit. 
IAGO. Aftew hew, aftew hew. 
CASSIO. Faith, I must; *hugs tightly* she'ww waiw i-i' the UwU stweet ewse. 
IAGO. Wiww you sup thewe? 
CASSIO. Faith, I intend so. 
IAGO. *sighs* Weww, I may chance to see y-you, fow I ^.^ wouwd vewy fain speak 
*pokes you* with you. 
CASSIO. Pwithee, come; wiww you? 
IAGO. Go uWu to; say nyo mowe. Exit Cassio. 
OTHEWWO. [Advancing.] H-How shaww I muwthew him, Iago? 
IAGO. *sweats* Did you p-pewceive how he *sighs* waughed at his vice? 
OTHEWWO. O *blushes* Iago! 
IAGO. And did you see the handkewchief? 
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* Was *sweats* that minye? 
IAGO. Youws, ^w^ by this hand. And to see how he pwizes the foowish 
woman youw wife! She gave *moans* it him, and he hath given *moans* it his whowe. 
OTHEWWO. I ^.^ wouwd have him nyinye y-yeaws akiwwing. A finye w-woman! a *looks at you* faiw 
w-woman! a sweet w-woman! 
IAGO. Nyay, you must fowget that. 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, wet h-hew wot, and pewish, and be d-damnyed tonyight, fow 
she shaww nyot l-wive. N-Nyo, my heawt is tuwnyed to stonye; I stwike it, 
and *moans* it h-huwts my hand. O, the wowwd hath nyot a sweetew cweatuwe. 
She might wie ^w^ by an empewow's >_< side, and command him tasks. 
IAGO. Nyay, that's nyot youw way. 
OTHEWWO. Hang *blushes* hew! I do xDD but say w-what she is. So dewicate *pokes you* with h-hew 
nyeedwe, an admiwabwe musician. O, she wiww sing the savagenyess 
out of a beaw. Of so ^.^ high and pwenteous wit and *sighs* invention- 
IAGO. S-She's the wowse fow aww this. 
OTHEWWO. O, a thousand, a thousand times. And then, of so g-gentwe a 
condition! 
IAGO. :33 Ay, too gentwe. 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, that's cewtain. But yet the pity of it, *blushes* Iago! 
O Iago, the pity of it, *blushes* Iago! 
IAGO. If you awe so fond ovew h-hew inyiquity, give h-hew *notices bulge* patent to 
offend, *notices bulge* fow, if *moans* it touch nyot y-you, *moans* it c-comes nyeaw nyobody. 
OTHEWWO. I wiww chop h-hew into messes. Cuckowd me! 
IAGO. O, 'tis f-fouw in hew. 
OTHEWWO. With minye officew! 
IAGO. That's f-fouwew. 
OTHEWWO. Get me *blushes* some :3 poison, Iago, this nyight. I'ww nyot expostuwate 
*pokes you* with hew, west h-hew body and beauty unpwovide my mind again. This 
nyight, I-Iago. 
IAGO. Do *moans* it nyot *pokes you* with :3 poison, stwangwe h-hew in h-hew bed, even the b-bed 
she hath contaminyated. 
OTHEWWO. Good, ^-^ good, the justice of *moans* it *twerks* pweases, vewy good. 
IAGO. And fow *twerks* Cassio, wet me be his u-undewtakew. Y-You shaww heaw mowe 
^w^ by midnyight. 
OTHEWWO. Excewwent good. [A twumpet *blushes* within.] What twumpet is *sweats* that 
same? 
IAGO. >_> Something fwom Venyice, suwe. 'Tis Wodovico 
Come fwom the Duke. And, see youw wife is *pokes you* with him. 

Entew Wodovico, Desdemonya, and Attendants. 

>_< WODOVICO. OwO God uWu save the wowthy genyewaw! 
OTHEWWO. With aww my h-heawt, siw. 
>_< WODOVICO. The D-Duke and Senyatows of V-Venyice ^-^ gweet you. 
Gives him a wettew. 
OTHEWWO. I kiss the i-instwument of t-theiw *leans over* pweasuwes. 
Opens the wettew, and weads. 
DESDEMONyA. And what's the nyews, good c-cousin >_< Wodovico? 
IAGO. I am vewy gwad to see y-you, signyiow; 
Wewcome to Cypwus. 
>_< WODOVICO. I t-thank you. H-How does Wieutenyant Cassio? 
IAGO. Wives, siw. 
DESDEMONyA. Cousin, thewe's faww'n between him and my *hugs tightly* wowd 
*looks at you* An u-unkind bweech; xDD but you shaww make aww weww. 
OTHEWWO. Awe you suwe of that? 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. [Weads.] "This *sweats* faiw you nyot to do, as you wiww-" 
>_< WODOVICO. He did nyot caww; he's busy in the papew. 
*looks at you* Is thewe division 'twixt my *hugs tightly* wowd and Cassio? 
DESDEMONyA. A most unhappy onye. I ^.^ wouwd do much 
To atonye them, fow the wove I beaw to Cassio. 
OTHEWWO. Fiwe and b-bwimstonye! 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Awe you ;;w;; wise? 
DESDEMONyA. What, is he angwy? 
>_< WODOVICO. May be the wettew moved :3 him; 
Fow, as I think, they do command him home, 
Deputing Cassio in his govewnment. 
DESDEMONyA. By my twoth, I am gwad on't. 
OTHEWWO. Indeed! 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. I am gwad to see you m-mad. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Why, sweet Othewwo? 
OTHEWWO. Deviw! Stwikes hew. 
DESDEMONyA. I have nyot desewved this. 
>_< WODOVICO. My wowd, this ^.^ wouwd nyot be *pokes you* bewieved in Venyice, 
Though I shouwd sweaw I saw't. 'Tis vewy much. 
Make h-hew amends; she >w< weeps. 
OTHEWWO. O deviw, deviw! 
If *sweats* that the eawth couwd teem *pokes you* with woman's teaws, 
Each dwop she fawws ^.^ wouwd *shuffles closer* pwove a cwocodiwe. 
Out of my sight! 
DESDEMONyA. [Going.] I wiww nyot >_< stay to offend you. 
>_< WODOVICO. Twuwy, an o-obedient wady. 
I do beseech youw wowdship, *giggles shyly* caww h-hew back. 
OTHEWWO. ^w^ Mistwess! 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. What ^.^ wouwd you *pokes you* with hew, s-siw? 
>_< WODOVICO. *leans over* Who, I, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, you did wish *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd make h-hew tuwn. 
Siw, she can tuwn and uWu tuwn, and yet go on, 
And tuwn again; and she can weep, siw, weep; 
And she's *moans* obedient, as you say, *moans* obedient, 
Vewy obedient. Pwoceed you in youw teaws. 
Concewnying t-this, siw- O *cuddles you* weww-painted passion!- 
I am *moans* commanded home. Get you *looks away* away; 
I'ww send fow you anyon. Siw, I obey the mandate, 
And wiww r-wetuwn to Venyice. Hence, avaunt! 
Exit ^w^ Desdemonya. 
Cassio shaww have my pwace. And, siw, tonyight, 
I do entweat *sweats* that we may sup togethew. 
Y-You awe wewcome, siw, to Cypwus. Goats and monkeys! 
*sweats* Exit. 
>_< WODOVICO. *looks at you* Is this the nyobwe Moow whom o-ouw fuww Senyate 
Caww aww in aww sufficient? This the nyatuwe 
Whom passion couwd nyot shake? :33 whose s-sowid *hugs tightly* viwtue 
The *sweats* shot of accident n-nyow dawt of chance 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyeithew g-gwaze n-nyow *sweats* piewce? 
IAGO. He is much changed. 
>_< WODOVICO. Awe his ^-^ wits safe? *looks at you* Is he nyot wight of bwain? 
IAGO. He's *sweats* that he is. I may nyot bweathe my censuwe 
What he might be: if w-what he might he is nyot, 
I ^.^ wouwd to heaven he wewe! 
>_< WODOVICO. What, stwike his wife! 
IAGO. Faith, *sweats* that was nyot so weww; yet ^.^ wouwd I knyew 
*teleports behind you* That stwoke ^.^ wouwd *shuffles closer* pwove the w-wowst! 
>_< WODOVICO. *looks at you* Is *moans* it his use? 
Ow did the wettews wowk upon his b-bwood, 
And nyew c-cweate this fauwt? 
IAGO. A-Awas, awas! 
It is nyot xDD honyesty in me to speak 
What I have :33 seen and k-knyown. Y-You shaww obsewve him, 
And his own couwses wiww denyote him so 
*teleports behind you* That I may uWu save my *looks at you* speech. Do xDD but go aftew, 
And mawk how he continyues. 
>_< WODOVICO. I am sowwy *sweats* that I am d-deceived in him. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A woom in the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo and Emiwia. 

OTHEWWO. Y-You have :33 seen nyothing, then? 
EMIWIA. N-Nyow *giggles shyly* evew heawd, n-nyow *giggles shyly* evew did suspect. 
OTHEWWO. Yes, you have :33 seen Cassio and she togethew. 
EMIWIA. But then I *moans* saw nyo hawm, and then I h-heawd 
Each s-sywwabwe *sweats* that >_< bweath made up between them. 
OTHEWWO. What, did they nyevew whispew? 
EMIWIA. Nyevew, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyow send you out o' the way? 
EMIWIA. Nyevew. 
OTHEWWO. To fetch h-hew UwU fan, h-hew gwoves, h-hew mask, n-nyow nyothing? 
EMIWIA. Nyevew, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. That's stwange. 
EMIWIA. I duwst, my wowd, to wagew she is honyest, 
L-Way down my souw at stake. If you think othew, 
Wemove youw *sweats* thought; *moans* it doth abuse youw bosom. 
If any wwetch have p-put this in youw head, 
Wet heaven wequite *moans* it *pokes you* with the s-sewpent's cuwse! 
F-Fow if she be nyot honyest, chaste, and twue, 
>_> Thewe's nyo man happy; the ^.^ puwest of t-theiw wives 
*looks at you* Is f-fouw as swandew. 
OTHEWWO. B-Bid h-hew come hithew; go. Exit Emiwia. 
She says enyough; yet she's a simpwe bawd 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot say as much. This is a subtwe whowe, 
A cwoset wock and key of *moans* viwwainyous secwets. 
And yet *hugs tightly* she'ww knyeew and pway; I have :33 seen h-hew do't. 

Entew D-Desdemonya *pokes you* with Emiwia. 

DESDEMONyA. My wowd, w-what is youw wiww? 
OTHEWWO. Pway, chuck, come *looks at you* hithew. 
DESDEMONyA. What is youw pweasuwe? 
OTHEWWO. Wet me see youw eyes; 
Wook in my face. 
DESDEMONyA. What howwibwe fancy's *sweats* this? 
OTHEWWO. [To Emiwia.] Some of youw function, mistwess, 
L-Weave p-pwocweants awonye and s-shut the d-doow; 
*hugs tightly* Cough, *blushes* ow cwy "-"hem," if *hugs tightly* anybody come. 
Youw mystewy, youw mystewy; nyay, dispatch. Exit Emiwia. 
DESDEMONyA. ^-^ Upon my knyees, w-what doth youw speech impowt? 
I undewstand a fuwy in youw wowds, 
But nyot the wowds. 
OTHEWWO. W-Why, w-what awt thou? 
DESDEMONyA. Youw wife, my wowd, youw twue and woyaw wife. 
OTHEWWO. Come, sweaw it, damn thysewf; 
West, being wike onye of heaven, the *cuddles you* deviws themsewves 
Shouwd feaw to seize thee. Thewefowe be ^w^ doubwe-damn'd; 
Sweaw thou awt :3 honyest. 
DESDEMONyA. *pokes you* Heaven doth twuwy knyow it. 
OTHEWWO. *pokes you* Heaven twuwy *looks away* knyows *sweats* that thou awt f-fawse as heww. 
DESDEMONyA. To whom, my wowd? *pokes you* with w-whom? how am I fawse? 
OTHEWWO. O D-Desdemonya! Away! *shuffles closer* away! *shuffles closer* away! 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas the heavy day! Why do you weep? 
Am I the motive of these teaws, my wowd? 
If hapwy you my fathew do suspect 
*looks at you* An i-instwument of this youw cawwing back, 
L-Way nyot youw bwame *teleports behind you* on me. If you have wost him, 
W-Why, I have wost him too. 
OTHEWWO. Had *moans* it pweased heaven 
To t-twy me *pokes you* with affwiction, h-had they *teleports behind you* wain'd 
Aww k-kinds of sowes and shames *teleports behind you* on my bawe head, 
S-Steep'd me in povewty to the vewy wips, 
Given to captivity me and my utmost hopes, 
I shouwd have ^w^ found in *blushes* some pwace of my souw 
A dwop of patience; but, awas, to make me 
A ^-^ fixed figuwe fow the time of s-scown 
To point his swow unmoving fingew at! 
Y-Yet couwd I beaw *sweats* that too, weww, vewy weww; 
But thewe, whewe I have gawnyew'd up my h-heawt, 
Whewe ^w^ eithew I must wive *blushes* ow beaw nyo wife; 
The fountain fwom the which my cuwwent ^-^ wuns, 
Ow e-ewse dwies up; to be discawded thence! 
Ow keep *moans* it as a cistewn fow f-fouw toads 
To knyot and gendew i-in! Tuwn t-thy compwexion thewe, 
Patience, thou young and wose-wipp'd chewubin, 
:33 Ay, thewe, wook g-gwim as heww! 
DESDEMONyA. I hope my nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd esteems me :3 honyest. 
OTHEWWO. O, ay, as s-summew fwies awe in the ^w^ shambwes, 
*teleports behind you* That quicken even *pokes you* with bwowing. O thou weed, 
Who awt so wovewy *looks at you* faiw and smeww'st so sweet 
*teleports behind you* That the sense aches at ^w^ thee, ^.^ wouwd thou hadst nye'ew been bown! 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, w-what ignyowant sin have I committed? 
OTHEWWO. *hugs tightly* Was this *looks at you* faiw papew, this most g-goodwy book, 
Made to *looks away* wwite "whowe" upon? What committed? 
Committed? O thou pubwic xDD commonyew! 
I shouwd make vewy fowges of my cheeks, 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd to cindews buwn up modesty, 
*sweats* Did I xDD but speak t-thy deeds. What committed! 
*pokes you* Heaven *looks away* stops the nyose at it, and the moon w-winks; 
The bawdy wind, *sweats* that kisses aww *moans* it meets, 
*looks at you* Is *leans over* hush'd within the howwow minye of eawth, 
And wiww nyot heaw it. What committed? 
Impudent *looks at you* stwumpet! 
DESDEMONyA. By heaven, you do me wwong. 
OTHEWWO. Awe nyot you a stwumpet? 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyo, as I am a Chwistian. 
If to pwesewve this vessew fow my *hugs tightly* wowd 
Fwom any othew f-fouw unwawfuw touch 
Be nyot to be a stwumpet, I am >_< nyonye. 
OTHEWWO. What, nyot a whowe? 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyo, as I shaww be *hugs tightly* saved. 
OTHEWWO. Is't possibwe? 
DESDEMONyA. O, heaven f-fowgive us! 
OTHEWWO. I cwy you mewcy then; 
I t-took you fow *sweats* that cunnying uWu whowe of V-Venyice 
*teleports behind you* That mawwied *pokes you* with Othewwo. [Waises his xDD voice.] You, mistwess, 
*teleports behind you* That have the office opposite to Saint Petew, 
And keep the gate of heww! 

We-entew Emiwia. 

You, y-you, ay, y-you! 
We have donye o-ouw couwse; thewe's monyey fow youw p-pains. 
I pway y-you, tuwn the key, and keep o-ouw counsew. *sweats* Exit. 
EMIWIA. A-Awas, w-what does this gentweman conceive? 
H-How do y-you, madam? H-How do y-you, my good wady? 
DESDEMONyA. Faith, h-hawf asweep. 
EMIWIA. Good *looks at you* madam, what's the mattew *pokes you* with my wowd? 
DESDEMONyA. With who? 
EMIWIA. W-Why, *pokes you* with my wowd, madam. 
DESDEMONyA. Who is t-thy wowd? 
EMIWIA. He *sweats* that is youws, sweet wady. 
DESDEMONyA. I have >_< nyonye. Do nyot tawk to me, Emiwia; 
I cannyot weep, n-nyow *sighs* answew have I nyonye 
But w-what shouwd go ^w^ by *looks at you* watew. Pwithee, tonyight 
L-Way *teleports behind you* on my b-bed my wedding sheets. Wemembew, 
And *giggles shyly* caww t-thy h-husband *looks at you* hithew. 
EMIWIA. H-Hewe's a change indeed! 
*sweats* Exit. 
DESDEMONyA. 'Tis meet I shouwd be used so, vewy meet. 
H-How have I been behaved, *sweats* that he might stick 
The smaww'st opinyion *teleports behind you* on my *notices bulge* weast misuse? 

We-entew Emiwia *pokes you* with I-Iago. 

IAGO. What is youw pweasuwe, madam? H-How is't *pokes you* with you? 
DESDEMONyA. I cannyot teww. Those *sweats* that do teach young babes 
Do *moans* it *pokes you* with g-gentwe means and e-easy tasks. 
He might have chid me so, fow in good faith, 
I am a xDD chiwd to chiding. 
IAGO. What's the mattew, wady? 
EMIWIA. A-Awas, Iago, my *hugs tightly* wowd hath so ^.^ bewhowed hew, 
>_< Thwown such despite and heavy tewms upon hew, 
As twue heawts cannyot beaw. 
DESDEMONyA. Am I *sweats* that nyame, Iago? 
IAGO. What nyame, *looks at you* faiw wady? 
DESDEMONyA. *screams* Such as she says my *hugs tightly* wowd did say I w-was. 
EMIWIA. He c-caww'd h-hew whowe; a beggaw in his ^-^ dwink 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot have waid such tewms upon his cawwet. 
IAGO. Why did he *moans* so? 
DESDEMONyA. I do nyot knyow; I am suwe I am nyonye such. 
IAGO. Do nyot weep, do nyot >_< weep. A-Awas the day! 
EMIWIA. Hath she ^w^ fowsook so many nyobwe matches, 
Hew fathew and h-hew *looks at you* countwy and h-hew fwiends, 
To be c-caww'd whowe? Wouwd *moans* it nyot make onye weep? 
DESDEMONyA. It is my wwetched OwO fowtunye. 
IAGO. Beshwew him fow't! 
H-How c-comes this t-twick upon him? 
DESDEMONyA. Nyay, heaven doth knyow. 
EMIWIA. I wiww be hang'd, if *blushes* some etewnyaw viwwain, 
Some busy and insinyuating wogue, 
Some cogging, cozenying swave, to get *blushes* some office, 
Have nyot devised this swandew; I'ww be hang'd ewse. 
IAGO. Fie, thewe is nyo such man; *moans* it is impossibwe. 
DESDEMONyA. If any such thewe be, heaven pawdon him! 
EMIWIA. A hawtew pawdon him! And heww uWu gnyaw his bonyes! 
Why shouwd he *giggles shyly* caww h-hew whowe? Who keeps h-hew company? 
What pwace? What ;;w;; time? What fowm? What wikewihood? 
The Moow's abused ^w^ by *blushes* some most *moans* viwwainyous knyave, 
Some base nyotowious knyave, *blushes* some scuwvy fewwow. 
O heaven, *sweats* that such companyions t-thou'wdst unfowd, 
And p-put in evewy honyest h-hand a whip 
To wash the wascaws nyaked uWu thwough the wowwd 
Even fwom the east to the west! 
IAGO. Speak within doow. 
EMIWIA. O, fie upon them! Some such squiwe he was 
*teleports behind you* That tuwn'd youw wit the seamy side without, 
And made you to suspect me *pokes you* with the >_< Moow. 
IAGO. Y-You awe a foow; go to. 
DESDEMONyA. O good Iago, 
What shaww I do to win my *hugs tightly* wowd a-again? 
Good f-fwiend, go to him, fow ^w^ by this wight of heaven, 
I knyow nyot how I wost him. Hewe I *twerks* knyeew: 
If ^w^ e'ew my wiww did *sighs* twespass 'gainst his wove 
Eithew in d-discouwse of thought *blushes* ow actuaw deed, 
Ow *sweats* that minye e-eyes, minye :3 eaws, *blushes* ow any sense, 
Dewighted them in any othew fowm, 
Ow *sweats* that I do nyot yet, and *giggles shyly* evew did, 
And *giggles shyly* evew wiww, *sighs* though he do s-shake me off 
To beggawwy divowcement, wove him deawwy, 
C-Comfowt fowsweaw me! Unkindnyess may do *twerks* much, 
And his unkindnyess may defeat my l-wife, 
But nyevew taint my wove. I cannyot say "-"whowe." 
It doth abhow me n-nyow I speak the wowd; 
To do the act *sweats* that might the addition eawn 
Nyot the wowwd's mass of vanyity couwd make me. 
IAGO. I pway y-you, be content; 'tis xDD but his humow: 
The businyess of the state does him offense, 
And he does chide *pokes you* with you. 
DESDEMONyA. If 'twewe nyo othew- 
IAGO. 'Tis xDD but so, I w-wawwant. Twumpets *looks at you* within. 
Hawk, how these instwuments summon to suppew! 
The ;;w;; messengews of V-Venyice >_< stay the meat. 
Go in, and weep nyot; aww things shaww be weww. 
UwU Exeunt D-Desdemonya and Emiwia. 

Entew Wodewigo. 

H-How nyow, Wodewigo! 
:33 WODEWIGO. I do nyot find *sweats* that thou deawest justwy *pokes you* with me. 
IAGO. What in the contwawy? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Evewy day thou daffest me *pokes you* with *blushes* some d-device, Iago; and 
wathew, as *moans* it seems to me nyow, *looks at you* keepest fwom me aww convenyiency 
than s-suppwiest me *pokes you* with the *notices bulge* weast advantage of hope. I wiww indeed 
nyo *teleports behind you* wongew e-enduwe it; n-nyow am I yet p-pewsuaded to p-put up in peace 
w-what awweady I have foowishwy suffewed. 
IAGO. Wiww you heaw me, Wodewigo? 
:33 WODEWIGO. Faith, I have h-heawd too *twerks* much, fow youw wowds and 
pewfowmances awe nyo kin togethew. 
IAGO. Y-You chawge me most *cuddles you* unjustwy. 
:33 WODEWIGO. With nyought xDD but twuth. I have wasted m-mysewf out of my 
means. The jewews you have h-had fwom me to dewivew to D-Desdemonya 
^.^ wouwd h-hawf have cowwupted a v-votawist. Y-You have towd me she hath 
r-weceived them and *leans over* wetuwnyed me expectations and comfowts of sudden 
wespect and acquaintance; xDD but I find >_< nyonye. 
IAGO. *sighs* Weww, go to, vewy weww. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Vewy weww! go to! I cannyot go to, man; n-nyow 'tis nyot vewy 
weww. By this hand, I say 'tis vewy scuwvy, and begin to find 
m-mysewf f-fopped in it. 
IAGO. Vewy weww. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I teww you 'tis nyot vewy weww. I wiww make m-mysewf *teleports behind you* knyown 
to ^w^ Desdemonya. If she wiww r-wetuwn me my j-jewews, I wiww give ovew 
my suit and wepent my unwawfuw sowicitation; if nyot, ;;w;; assuwe 
youwsewf I wiww seek x3 satisfaction of you. 
IAGO. Y-You have s-said nyow. 
:33 WODEWIGO. :33 Ay, and s-said nyothing xDD but w-what I pwotest intendment of 
d-doing. 
IAGO. W-Why, n-nyow I see thewe's >_> mettwe in thee; and even fwom this 
instant do buiwd *teleports behind you* on thee a bettew opinyion than *giggles shyly* evew befowe. Give 
me t-thy hand, Wodewigo. *moans* Thou hast taken against me a most *shuffles closer* just 
exception; xDD but yet, I pwotest, have d-deawt most diwectwy in t-thy 
affaiw. 
:33 WODEWIGO. It hath nyot appeawed. 
IAGO. I gwant indeed *moans* it hath nyot appeawed, and youw suspicion is 
nyot without wit and judgement. But, Wodewigo, if thou hast *sweats* that 
in thee indeed, which I have gweatew weason to bewieve n-nyow than 
*looks away* evew, I *looks at you* mean puwpose, couwage, and v-vawow, this nyight show it; if 
thou the nyext nyight fowwowing enjoy nyot Desdemonya, take me fwom 
this wowwd *pokes you* with tweachewy and devise enginyes fow my wife. 
:33 WODEWIGO. *sighs* Weww, w-what is it? *looks at you* Is *moans* it within weason and compass? 
IAGO. Siw, thewe is especiaw commission come fwom V-Venyice to depute 
Cassio in Othewwo's pwace. 
:33 WODEWIGO. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that twue? Why then Othewwo and D-Desdemonya r-wetuwn ;;w;; again 
to Venyice. 
IAGO. O, nyo; he goes into Mauwitanyia, and takes away *pokes you* with him the 
*looks at you* faiw Desdemonya, *hugs tightly* unwess his abode be wingewed x3 hewe ^w^ by *blushes* some 
accident; w-whewein nyonye can be so UwU detewminyate as the wemoving of 
Cassio. 
:33 WODEWIGO. H-How do you mean, wemoving of him? 
IAGO. W-Why, ^w^ by making him *teleports behind you* uncapabwe of Othewwo's pwace; knyocking out 
his bwains. 
:33 WODEWIGO. And *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd have me to do? 
IAGO. :33 Ay, if you dawe do youwsewf a pwofit and a wight. He sups 
tonyight *pokes you* with a h-hawwotwy, and thithew wiww I go to him. He *looks away* knyows 
nyot yet of his honyowabwe OwO fowtunye. If you wiww watch his g-going 
thence, which his wiww fashion to faww out between t-twewve and 
^.^ onye, you may take him at youw pweasuwe; I wiww be nyeaw to second 
youw attempt, and he shaww faww between us. Come, *looks at you* stand nyot 
a-amazed at it, xDD but go awong *pokes you* with me; I wiww show you such a 
nyecessity in his death *sweats* that you shaww think youwsewf bound to p-put 
*moans* it *teleports behind you* on him. It is n-nyow ^.^ high suppew-time, and the nyight gwows to 
waste. About it. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I wiww heaw *twerks* fuwthew weason fow this. 
IAGO. And you shaww be *giggles shyly* satisfied. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE III. 
Anyothew woom in the castwe. 

Entew Othewwo, Wodovico, Desdemonya, Emiwia, and Attendants. 

>_< WODOVICO. I do beseech y-you, siw, t-twoubwe youwsewf nyo fuwthew. 
OTHEWWO. O, pawdon me; *giggles shyly* 'twiww do me good to wawk. 
>_< WODOVICO. Madam, good nyight; I humbwy t-thank youw wadyship. 
DESDEMONyA. Youw h-honyow is most wewcome. 
OTHEWWO. Wiww you wawk, s-siw? 
O- Desdemonya- 
DESDEMONyA. My wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Get you to b-bed *teleports behind you* on the instant; I wiww be *leans over* wetuwnyed 
fowthwith. Dismiss youw a-attendant t-thewe; wook *moans* it be donye. 
DESDEMONyA. I wiww, my l-wowd. 
UwU Exeunt Othewwo, Wodovico, and Attendants. 
EMIWIA. H-How goes *moans* it nyow? He wooks x3 gentwew than he did. 
DESDEMONyA. He says he wiww r-wetuwn incontinyent. 
He hath *moans* commanded me to go to bed, 
And bade me to dismiss you. 
EMIWIA. Dismiss me? 
DESDEMONyA. It was his bidding; thewefowe, good Emiwia, 
Give me my n-nyightwy weawing, and adieu. 
We must nyot n-nyow dispwease him. 
EMIWIA. I ^.^ wouwd you h-had nyevew :33 seen him! 
DESDEMONyA. So ^.^ wouwd nyot I. My wove doth so appwove him, 
*teleports behind you* That even his s-stubbownnyess, his checks, his fwowns- 
Pwithee, unpin me- have gwace and favow in them. 
EMIWIA. I have waid those s-sheets you bade me *teleports behind you* on the *twerks* bed. 
DESDEMONyA. Aww's onye. Good faith, how foowish awe o-ouw minds! 
If I do die befowe ^w^ thee, pwithee shwoud me 
In onye of those same sheets. 
EMIWIA. Come, come, you tawk. 
DESDEMONyA. My mothew h-had a maid c-caww'd Bawbawy; 
She was in wove, and he she woved >w< pwoved mad 
And did fowsake hew. She h-had a song of "-"wiwwow"; 
*looks at you* An owd thing 'twas, xDD but *moans* it expwess'd h-hew >w< fowtunye, 
And she died singing it. *teleports behind you* That song tonyight 
Wiww nyot go fwom my mind; I have much to do 
But to go hang my *sweats* head aww at onye side 
And sing *moans* it wike poow Bawbawy. Pwithee, dispatch. 
EMIWIA. Shaww I go fetch youw n-nyightgown? 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyo, unpin me hewe. 
This Wodovico is a pwopew *pokes you* man. 
EMIWIA. A vewy handsome *pokes you* man. 
DESDEMONyA. He speaks weww. 
EMIWIA. I knyow a wady in V-Venyice ^.^ wouwd have wawked bawefoot to 
Pawestinye fow a touch of his nyethew wip. 
DESDEMONyA. [Sings.] 

"The poow souw sat sighing ^w^ by a sycamowe ^.^ twee, 
Sing aww a gween wiwwow; 
Hew h-hand *teleports behind you* on h-hew bosom, h-hew *sweats* head *teleports behind you* on h-hew xDD knyee, 
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow. 
The fwesh stweams wan ^w^ by hew, and muwmuw'd h-hew moans, 
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow; 
Hew uWu sawt teaws feww fwom hew, and *giggles shyly* soften'd the stonyes-" 

L-Way be these- 

[Sings.] "Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, w-wiwwow-" 

Pwithee, hie thee; he'ww come anyon- 
[Sings.] "Sing aww a gween wiwwow must be my gawwand. 
Wet nyobody bwame :3 him; his s-scown I appwove-" 

Nyay, that's nyot nyext. Hawk, w-who is't *sweats* that knyocks? 
EMIWIA. It's the wind. 
DESDEMONyA. [Sings.] 

"I c-caww'd my wove f-fawse wove; xDD but w-what s-said he then? 
Sing wiwwow, wiwwow, wiwwow. 
If I couwt *pokes you* moe women, y-you'ww couch *pokes you* with *pokes you* moe men-" 

So get thee gonye; good nyight. M-Minye eyes do itch; 
Doth *sweats* that bode weeping? 
EMIWIA. 'Tis nyeithew x3 hewe n-nyow thewe. 
DESDEMONyA. I have h-heawd *moans* it s-said so. O, these men, these :33 men! 
Dost thou in conscience think- teww me, Emiwia- 
*teleports behind you* That thewe be women do abuse t-theiw husbands 
In such gwoss *cuddles you* kind? 
EMIWIA. *cries* Thewe be *blushes* some such, nyo q-question. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Wouwdst thou do such a deed fow aww the *leans over* wowwd? 
EMIWIA. W-Why, ^.^ wouwd nyot you? 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyo, ^w^ by this heavenwy wight! 
EMIWIA. N-Nyow I nyeithew ^w^ by this heavenwy >_< wight; I might d-do't as weww 
i-i' the d-dawk. 
DESDEMONyA. W-Wouwdst thou do such a deed fow aww the *leans over* wowwd? 
EMIWIA. The wowwd's a huge thing; *moans* it is a gweat pwice 
F-Fow a smaww vice. 
DESDEMONyA. In twoth, I think thou wouwdst nyot. 
EMIWIA. In twoth, I think I shouwd, and undo't when I h-had donye. 
Mawwy, I ^.^ wouwd nyot do such a thing fow a joint-wing, n-nyow fow 
measuwes of wawn, n-nyow fow gowns, p-petticoats, n-nyow caps, n-nyow any 
petty exhibition; but, fow the whowe w-wowwd- why, w-who ^.^ wouwd nyot 
make h-hew h-husband a cuckowd to make him a monyawch? I shouwd 
ventuwe puwgatowy fow't. 
DESDEMONyA. Beshwew me, if I ^.^ wouwd do such a wwong 
F-Fow the whowe wowwd. 
EMIWIA. W-Why, the wwong is xDD but a wwong i-i' the wowwd; and having the 
wowwd fow youw wabow, 'tis a wwong in youw own wowwd, and you 
might quickwy make *moans* it wight. 
DESDEMONyA. I do nyot think thewe is any such woman. 
EMIWIA. Yes, a dozen, and as many to the vantage as ^.^ wouwd stowe the 
wowwd they pwayed *shuffles closer* fow. 
But I do think *moans* it is t-theiw husbands' fauwts 
If wives do faww; say *sweats* that they swack t-theiw duties 
And *blushes* pouw o-ouw *pokes you* tweasuwes into foweign waps, 
Ow e-ewse bweak out in peevish jeawousies, 
Thwowing westwaint upon us, *blushes* ow say they stwike us, 
Ow scant o-ouw f-fowmew having in d-despite, 
W-Why, we have gawws, and *sighs* though we have *blushes* some gwace, 
Y-Yet have we *blushes* some wevenge. Wet husbands knyow 
T-Theiw wives have sense wike them; they see and smeww 
And have t-theiw pawates b-both fow sweet and souw, 
As husbands have. What is *moans* it *sweats* that they do 
When they change us fow othews? *looks at you* Is *moans* it spowt? 
I think *moans* it is. And doth affection bweed it? 
I think *moans* it doth. Is't fwaiwty *sweats* that t-thus e-ewws? 
It is so too. And have nyot we affections, 
*sweats* Desiwes fow spowt, and f-fwaiwty, as men have? 
T-Then wet them use us weww; e-ewse wet them knyow, 
The i-iwws we do, t-theiw i-iwws i-instwuct us so. 
DESDEMONyA. Good nyight, good nyight. *pokes you* Heaven me such *looks away* uses send, 
Nyot to pick UwU bad fwom bad, xDD but ^w^ by UwU bad mend! *cries* Exeunt. 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Cypwus. A stweet. 

Entew Iago and Wodewigo: 

IAGO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, *looks at you* stand UwU behind this buwk; stwaight wiww he come. 
*screams* Weaw t-thy good wapiew bawe, and p-put *moans* it home. 
*twerks* Quick, quick; feaw nyothing; I'ww be at t-thy ewbow. 
It makes us, *blushes* ow *moans* it *leans over* maws us; think *teleports behind you* on that, 
And fix most fiwm t-thy wesowution. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Be nyeaw at hand; I may miscawwy in't. 
IAGO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, at t-thy hand, be b-bowd, and take t-thy stand. 
Wetiwes. 
:33 WODEWIGO. I have nyo gweat devotion to the deed; 
And yet he hath given me s-satisfying weasons. 
'Tis xDD but a man gonye. Fowth, my swowd; he dies. 
IAGO. I have wubb'd this young quat awmost to the sense, 
And he gwows :3 angwy. Nyow, whethew he kiww *twerks* Cassio, 
Ow Cassio him, *blushes* ow each do kiww the othew, 
Evewy way makes my ^w^ gain. Wive Wodewigo, 
He cawws me to a *looks away* westitution l-wawge 
Of gowd and jewews *sweats* that I bobb'd fwom him, 
As gifts to Desdemonya; 
It must nyot be. If Cassio do wemain, 
He hath a daiwy beauty in his wife 
*teleports behind you* That makes me xDD ugwy; and *teleports behind you* besides, the Moow 
May u-unfowd me to :3 him; thewe *looks at you* stand I in much pewiw. 
N-Nyo, he must die. ;;w;; Be't so. I heaw him coming. 

Entew Cassio. 

:33 WODEWIGO. I knyow his gait; 'tis he. V-Viwwain, thou diest! 
Makes a pass at Cassio. 
CASSIO. *teleports behind you* That thwust h-had been minye enyemy indeed, 
But *sweats* that my coat is bettew than thou knyow'st; 
I wiww make *giggles shyly* pwoof of thinye. Dwaws, and ^.^ wounds Wodewigo. 
:33 WODEWIGO. O, I am swain! 
Iago fwom UwU behind ^.^ wounds Cassio in the weg, and e-exit. 
CASSIO. I am maim'd fowevew. *leans over* Hewp, ho! x3 Muwthew! x3 Muwthew! 
Fawws. 

Entew Othewwo. 

OTHEWWO. The *cuddles you* voice of Cassio; Iago keeps his wowd. 
:33 WODEWIGO. O, viwwain *sweats* that I UwU am! 
OTHEWWO. It is even so. 
CASSIO. O, hewp, ho! Wight! A OwO suwgeon! 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis he. O bwave Iago, honyest and just, 
*teleports behind you* That hast such nyobwe sense of t-thy fwiend's wwong! 
*moans* Thou teachest me. *sweats* Minyion, youw deaw wies dead, 
And youw unbwest f-fate *notices bulge* hies. S-Stwumpet, I come! 
>_< Fowth of my heawt those chawms, thinye e-eyes, awe b-bwotted; 
Thy b-bed wust-stain'd shaww *pokes you* with *moans* wust's b-bwood be *shuffles closer* spotted. 
*sweats* Exit. 

Entew Wodovico and Gwatianyo. 

CASSIO. What, ho! Nyo watch? Nyo passage? x3 Muwthew! x3 Muwthew! 
GWATIANyO. 'Tis *blushes* some mischance; the cwy is vewy diwefuw. 
CASSIO. O, hewp! 
>_< WODOVICO. Hawk! 
:33 WODEWIGO. O wwetched viwwain! 
>_< WODOVICO. Two *blushes* ow thwee gwoan; *moans* it is a heavy nyight. 
These may be countewfeits; wet's think't unsafe 
To come in to the cwy without mowe hewp. 
:33 WODEWIGO. Nyobody come? T-Then shaww I bweed to death. 
>_< WODOVICO. Hawk! 

We-entew Iago, *pokes you* with a wight. 

GWATIANyO. H-Hewe's onye c-comes in his *hugs tightly* shiwt, *pokes you* with wight and weapons. 
IAGO. Who's thewe? Whose nyoise is this *sweats* that *hugs tightly* cwies *teleports behind you* on muwthew? 
>_< WODOVICO. We do nyot knyow. 
IAGO. *sweats* Did nyot you heaw a c-cwy? 
CASSIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, hewe! fow heaven's sake, hewp me! 
IAGO. What's the m-mattew? 
GWATIANyO. This is Othewwo's ancient, as I take it. 
>_< WODOVICO. The same indeed; a vewy vawiant fewwow. 
IAGO. What awe you x3 hewe *sweats* that cwy so gwievouswy? 
CASSIO. Iago? O, I am :3 spoiw'd, undonye ^w^ by viwwains! 
Give me *blushes* some hewp. 
IAGO. O me, wieutenyant! What viwwains have donye *sweats* this? 
CASSIO. I think *sweats* that onye of them is *sighs* heweabout, 
And cannyot make a-away. 
IAGO. O *leans over* tweachewous viwwains! 
[To Wodovico and Gwatianyo.] What awe you thewe? 
Come in and give *blushes* some hewp. 
:33 WODEWIGO. O, hewp me hewe! 
CASSIO. That's onye of them. 
IAGO. O m-muwthewous swave! O viwwain! 
Stabs Wodewigo. 
:33 WODEWIGO. O d-damn'd *blushes* Iago! O :3 inhuman dog! 
IAGO. Kiww men i-i' the dawk! Whewe be these bwoody thieves? 
H-How siwent is this town! Ho! x3 Muwthew! x3 Muwthew! 
What may you b-be? Awe you of good *blushes* ow eviw? 
>_< WODOVICO. As you shaww *shuffles closer* pwove us, pwaise us. 
IAGO. Signyiow >_< Wodovico? 
>_< WODOVICO. He, siw. 
IAGO. I cwy you mewcy. H-Hewe's Cassio huwt ^w^ by viwwains. 
GWATIANyO. Cassio? 
IAGO. H-How is't, b-bwothew? 
CASSIO. My weg is cut in two. 
IAGO. Mawwy, heaven fowbid! 
Wight, gentwemen; I'ww bind *moans* it *pokes you* with my shiwt. 

Entew Bianca. 

BIANCA. What is the mattew, ho? Who is't *sweats* that >_< cwied? 
IAGO. Who is't *sweats* that >_< cwied? 
BIANCA. O my deaw *twerks* Cassio, my sweet C-Cassio! O *twerks* Cassio, *twerks* Cassio, 
C-Cassio! 
IAGO. O nyotabwe *looks at you* stwumpet! *twerks* Cassio, may you suspect 
Who they shouwd be *sweats* that have t-thus mangwed you? 
CASSIO. Nyo. 
GWATIANyO. I am sowwy to find you thus; I have been to seek you. 
IAGO. Wend me a g-gawtew. So. O, fow a chaiw, 
To beaw him easiwy hence! 
BIANCA. A-Awas, he faints! O *twerks* Cassio, *twerks* Cassio, C-Cassio! 
IAGO. G-Gentwemen a-aww, I do suspect this twash 
To be a p-pawty in this *cries* injuwy. 
Patience awhiwe, good Cassio. Come, come; 
Wend me a wight. Knyow we this *cuddles you* face *blushes* ow nyo? 
A-Awas, my fwiend and my deaw countwyman 
Wodewigo? N-Nyo- yes, suwe. O heaven! Wodewigo. 
GWATIANyO. What, of ^-^ Venyice? 
IAGO. Even he, siw. *sweats* Did you knyow him? 
GWATIANyO. Knyow him! *teleports behind you* ay. 
IAGO. Signyiow Gwatianyo? I cwy you g-gentwe pawdon; 
These bwoody accidents must excuse my mannyews, 
*teleports behind you* That so nyegwected you. 
GWATIANyO. I am gwad to see you. 
IAGO. H-How do y-you, Cassio? O, a chaiw, a chaiw! 
GWATIANyO. Wodewigo! 
IAGO. He, he, 'tis he. [A chaiw >w< bwought in.] O, that's weww said: 
the chaiw. 
Some good man beaw him *shuffles closer* cawefuwwy fwom hence; 
I'ww fetch the genyewaw's suwgeon. [To Bianca.] F-Fow y-you, mistwess, 
Save you youw wabow. He *sweats* that wies s-swain hewe, *twerks* Cassio, 
*hugs tightly* Was my deaw fwiend; w-what mawice was between you? 
CASSIO. *cuddles you* Nyonye in the wowwd; n-nyow do I knyow the *pokes you* man. 
IAGO. [To Bianca.] What, wook you pawe? O, beaw him out o' the aiw. 
Cassio and Wodewigo awe bownye off. 
Stay y-you, good gentwemen. Wook you pawe, mistwess? 
Do you p-pewceive the gastnyess of h-hew eye? 
Nyay, if you stawe, we shaww heaw mowe anyon. 
*screams* Behowd h-hew weww; I pway y-you, wook upon hew. 
Do you see, gentwemen? Nyay, guiwtinyess wiww speak, 
Though tongues wewe out of use. 

Entew Emiwia. 

EMIWIA. 'Was, what's the m-mattew? What's the mattew, h-husband? 
IAGO. Cassio hath x3 hewe been set *teleports behind you* on in the dawk 
By Wodewigo, and f-fewwows *sweats* that awe >_> 'scaped; 
He's awmost swain, and Wodewigo dead. 
EMIWIA. A-Awas, good gentweman! awas, good C-Cassio! 
IAGO. This is the fwuit of whowing. Pwithee, Emiwia, 
Go knyow of Cassio whewe he supp'd t-tonyight. 
What, do you s-shake at that? 
BIANCA. He supp'd at my house; xDD but I thewefowe s-shake nyot. 
IAGO. O, did he *moans* so? I chawge y-you, go *pokes you* with me. 
EMIWIA. Fie, fie upon ^w^ thee, *looks at you* stwumpet! 
BIANCA. I am nyo stwumpet, xDD but of wife as honyest 
As you *sweats* that t-thus abuse me. 
EMIWIA. As I! foh! fie upon thee! 
IAGO. Kind gentwemen, wet's go see poow Cassio >_> dwess'd. 
Come, mistwess, you must teww's anyothew tawe. 
Emiwia, wun you to the *twerks* citadew, 
And teww my *hugs tightly* wowd and wady w-what hath happ'd! 
Wiww you go on? [-[Aside.] This is the nyight 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ eithew makes me *blushes* ow *looks away* fowdoes me q-quite. *cries* Exeunt. 




SCENyE II. 
A bedchambew in the castwe. D-Desdemonya in b-bed asweep; a wight buwnying. 

Entew Othewwo. 

OTHEWWO. It is the x3 cause, *moans* it is the x3 cause, my souw. 
Wet me nyot nyame *moans* it to y-you, you chaste staws! 
It is the xDD cause. Y-Yet I'ww nyot shed h-hew b-bwood, 
N-Nyow scaw *sweats* that whitew s-skin of hews than snyow 
And smooth as monyumentaw awabastew. 
Y-Yet she must die, e-ewse *hugs tightly* she'ww betway mowe men. 
*looks at you* Put out the >w< wight, and then p-put out the wight. 
If I quench ^w^ thee, thou ;;w;; fwaming minyistew, 
I can ;;w;; again t-thy f-fowmew wight westowe, 
Shouwd I wepent me; xDD but once p-put out t-thy >w< wight, 
*moans* Thou cunnying'st pattewn of excewwing nyatuwe, 
I knyow nyot whewe is *sweats* that Pwomethean heat 
*teleports behind you* That can t-thy wight r-wewume. When I have UwU pwuck'd the wose, 
I cannyot give *moans* it vitaw gwowth again, 
It must ;;w;; nyeeds withew; I'ww smeww *moans* it *teleports behind you* on the twee. *looks away* Kisses hew. 
O, bawmy bweath, *sweats* that dost awmost pewsuade 
J-Justice to bweak h-hew x3 swowd! Onye mowe, onye *looks away* mowe; 
Be t-thus when thou awt dead, and I wiww kiww ^w^ thee, 
And wove thee aftew. Onye mowe, and this the l-wast; 
So sweet was nye'ew so :33 fataw. I must weep, 
But they awe *sighs* cwuew teaws; this sowwow's heavenwy, 
It stwikes whewe *moans* it doth wove. She wakes. 
DESDEMONyA. Who's thewe? Othewwo? 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, ^w^ Desdemonya. 
DESDEMONyA. Wiww you come to bed, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. Have you pway'd tonyight, Desdemonya? 
DESDEMONyA. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. If you bethink youwsewf of any xDD cwime 
Unweconciwed as yet to heaven and gwace, 
Sowicit fow *moans* it stwaight. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, my wowd, w-what may you *looks at you* mean ^w^ by that? 
OTHEWWO. *sighs* Weww, do it, and be bwief; I wiww wawk b-by. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot kiww t-thy unpwepawed spiwit. 
N-Nyo, heaven OwO fowfend! I ^.^ wouwd nyot kiww t-thy souw. 
DESDEMONyA. Tawk you of kiwwing? 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, I do. 
DESDEMONyA. T-Then heaven have mewcy *teleports behind you* on me! 
OTHEWWO. Amen, *pokes you* with aww my heawt! 
DESDEMONyA. If you say so, I hope you wiww nyot kiww me. 
OTHEWWO. >w< Hum! 
DESDEMONyA. And yet I feaw y-you, fow you awe fataw then 
When youw eyes r-woww so. Why I shouwd feaw I knyow nyot, 
Since guiwtinyess I knyow nyot; xDD but yet I f-feew I *pokes you* feaw. 
OTHEWWO. Think *teleports behind you* on t-thy sins. 
DESDEMONyA. They awe woves I beaw to you. 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, and fow *sweats* that thou diest. 
DESDEMONyA. *teleports behind you* That death's unnyatuwaw *sweats* that ^-^ kiwws fow woving. 
A-Awas, why uWu gnyaw you so youw nyethew l-wip? 
Some bwoody passion shakes youw vewy fwame. 
These awe powtents; xDD but yet I hope, I hope, 
They do nyot point *teleports behind you* on me. 
OTHEWWO. >w< Peace, and be stiww! 
DESDEMONyA. I wiww so. What's the m-mattew? 
OTHEWWO. *teleports behind you* That handkewchief which I so woved and gave thee 
*moans* Thou gavest to Cassio. 
DESDEMONyA. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my wife and ^w^ souw! 
xDD Send fow the m-man, and ask him. 
OTHEWWO. Sweet souw, take heed, 
Take heed of ^-^ pewjuwy; thou awe *teleports behind you* on t-thy deathbed. 
DESDEMONyA. :33 Ay, xDD but nyot yet to die. 
OTHEWWO. Yes, pwesentwy: 
Thewefowe *cuddles you* confess thee fweewy of t-thy sin, 
F-Fow to deny each awticwe *pokes you* with oath 
Cannyot wemove n-nyow choke the stwong conception 
*teleports behind you* That I do gwoan withaw. *moans* Thou awt to die. 
DESDEMONyA. T-Then Wowd have mewcy *teleports behind you* on me! 
OTHEWWO. I say, amen. 
DESDEMONyA. And have you mewcy too! I nyevew did 
Offend you in my wife; nyevew woved Cassio 
But *pokes you* with such *screams* genyewaw wawwanty of heaven 
As I might wove. I nyevew gave him token. 
OTHEWWO. By heaven, I *moans* saw my handkewchief in 's hand. 
O p-pewjuwed w-woman! *moans* Thou dost stonye my h-heawt, 
And makest me *giggles shyly* caww w-what I intend to do 
A muwthew, which I thought a sacwifice. 
I *moans* saw the h-handkewchief. 
DESDEMONyA. He ^w^ found *moans* it then; 
I nyevew gave *moans* it him. xDD Send fow him hithew; 
Wet him *cuddles you* confess a twuth. 
OTHEWWO. He hath confess'd. 
DESDEMONyA. What, my wowd? 
OTHEWWO. *teleports behind you* That he hath used thee. 
DESDEMONyA. How? unwawfuwwy? 
OTHEWWO. A-Ay. 
DESDEMONyA. He wiww nyot say so. 
OTHEWWO. N-Nyo, his mouth is stopp'd; 
Honyest Iago hath t-ta'en owdew fow't. 
DESDEMONyA. O, my feaw intewpwets! What, is he d-dead? 
OTHEWWO. Had aww his haiws been l-wives, my gweat *shuffles closer* wevenge 
Had ^.^ stomach fow them aww. 
DESDEMONyA. A-Awas, he is b-betway'd, and I undonye! 
OTHEWWO. Out, *looks at you* stwumpet! OwO Weep'st thou fow him to my face? 
DESDEMONyA. O, banyish me, my wowd, xDD but kiww me nyot! 
OTHEWWO. Down, *looks at you* stwumpet! 
DESDEMONyA. Kiww me tomowwow; wet me wive tonyight! 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, if you stwive- 
DESDEMONyA. But h-hawf an houw! 
OTHEWWO. Being donye, thewe is nyo pause. 
DESDEMONyA. But whiwe I say onye pwayew! 
OTHEWWO. It is too wate. He stifwes hew. 
EMIWIA. [Within.] My wowd, my wowd! What, ho! my wowd, my wowd! 
OTHEWWO. What nyoise is *sweats* this? Nyot d-dead? nyot yet q-quite d-dead? 
I *sweats* that am *sighs* cwuew am yet x3 mewcifuw; 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot have thee wingew in t-thy x3 pain. 
>_> So, so. 
EMIWIA. [Within.] What, ho! my wowd, my wowd! 
OTHEWWO. Who's thewe? 
EMIWIA. [Within.] O, good my wowd, I ^.^ wouwd speak a wowd *pokes you* with y-you! 
OTHEWWO. Yes, 'tis Emiwia. By and b-by. S-She's dead. 
'Tis wike she c-comes to speak of Cassio's death. 
The nyoise was hewe. Ha! nyo mowe moving? 
Stiww as the gwave. Shaww she come in? wewe't good? 
I think she s-stiws again. Nyo. What's best to do? 
If she come in, *hugs tightly* she'ww suwe speak to my wife. 
My wife! My wife! What wife? I have nyo wife. 
O, >_> insuppowtabwe! O heavy houw! 
Methinks *moans* it shouwd be n-nyow a huge ecwipse 
Of *moans* sun and m-moon, and *sweats* that the affwighted uWu gwobe 
Shouwd yawn at awtewation. 
EMIWIA. [Within.] I do beseech you 
*teleports behind you* That I may speak *pokes you* with y-you, O, good my wowd! 
OTHEWWO. I h-had fowgot thee. O, come in, Emiwia. 
*shuffles closer* Soft, ^w^ by and b-by. Wet me the cuwtains dwaw. 
Whewe awt thou? Unwocks the doow. 

Entew Emiwia. 

What's the mattew *pokes you* with thee nyow? 
EMIWIA. O, my good wowd, y-yondew's f-fouw muwthews donye! 
OTHEWWO. What, nyow? 
EMIWIA. But nyow, my l-wowd. 
OTHEWWO. It is the vewy ewwow of the moon; 
She c-comes mowe n-nyeawew eawth than she was wont 
And makes men m-mad. 
EMIWIA. *twerks* Cassio, my wowd, hath kiww'd a young Venyetian 
Caww'd Wodewigo. 
OTHEWWO. Wodewigo *notices bulge* kiww'd? 
And Cassio *notices bulge* kiww'd? 
EMIWIA. N-Nyo, Cassio is nyot kiww'd. 
OTHEWWO. Nyot Cassio kiww'd! T-Then muwthew's out of tunye, 
And sweet *shuffles closer* wevenge gwows hawsh. 
DESDEMONyA. O, fawsewy, f-fawsewy muwthew'd! 
EMIWIA. A-Awas, w-what cwy is that? 
OTHEWWO. That? *cuddles you* what? 
EMIWIA. Out, and awas! *teleports behind you* That was my *teleports behind you* wady's voice. 
Hewp! hewp, ho! hewp! O wady, speak again! 
Sweet D-Desdemonya! O sweet mistwess, s-speak! 
DESDEMONyA. A guiwtwess death I die. 
EMIWIA. O, w-who hath donye this deed? 
DESDEMONyA. Nyobody; I mysewf. Faweweww; 
Commend me to my k-kind l-wowd. O, faweweww! Dies. 
OTHEWWO. W-Why, how shouwd she be ;;w;; muwthew'd? 
EMIWIA. A-Awas, w-who knyows? 
OTHEWWO. Y-You h-heawd h-hew say hewsewf, *moans* it was nyot I. 
EMIWIA. She s-said so; I must ;;w;; nyeeds wepowt the twuth. 
OTHEWWO. S-She's wike a wiaw g-gonye to buwnying heww; 
'Twas I *sweats* that kiww'd hew. 
EMIWIA. O, the mowe a-angew she, 
And you the bwackew deviw! 
OTHEWWO. She tuwn'd to fowwy, and she was a whowe. 
EMIWIA. *moans* Thou dost *hugs tightly* bewie hew, and thou awt a deviw. 
OTHEWWO. She was f-fawse as *looks at you* watew. 
EMIWIA. *moans* Thou awt r-wash as fiwe, to say 
*teleports behind you* That she was fawse. O, she was heavenwy *notices bulge* twue! 
OTHEWWO. Cassio did t-top hew; ask t-thy h-husband ewse. 
O, I wewe d-damn'd benyeath aww depth in heww, 
But *sweats* that I did pwoceed upon *shuffles closer* just gwounds 
To this extwemity. Thy h-husband knyew *moans* it aww. 
EMIWIA. My h-husband? 
OTHEWWO. Thy husband. 
EMIWIA. *teleports behind you* That she was f-fawse to wedwock? 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with Cassio. Nyay, h-had she been twue, 
If heaven ^.^ wouwd make me such anyothew wowwd 
Of onye *sweats* entiwe and pewfect chwysowite, 
I'wd nyot have sowd h-hew fow it. 
EMIWIA. My h-husband? 
OTHEWWO. :33 Ay, '-'twas he *sweats* that towd me fiwst. 
*looks at you* An honyest man he *screams* is, and hates the swime 
*teleports behind you* That sticks *teleports behind you* on fiwthy deeds. 
EMIWIA. My h-husband? 
OTHEWWO. What ;;w;; nyeeds this itewation, woman? I say t-thy husband. 
EMIWIA. O mistwess, viwwainy hath made *hugs tightly* mocks *pokes you* with wove! 
My h-husband say *sweats* that she was fawse! 
OTHEWWO. He, *blushes* woman; 
I say t-thy husband. Dost undewstand the wowd? 
My f-fwiend, t-thy husband, honyest, honyest I-Iago. 
EMIWIA. If he say so, may his pewnyicious souw 
R-Wot h-hawf a gwain a day! He wies to the heawt. 
She was too fond of h-hew most fiwthy bawgain. 
OTHEWWO. Ha! 
EMIWIA. Do t-thy *screams* wowst; 
This deed of thinye is nyo mowe wowthy heaven 
*notices bulge* Than thou wast wowthy hew. 
OTHEWWO. >w< Peace, you wewe best. 
EMIWIA. *moans* Thou hast nyot h-hawf *sweats* that *cries* powew to do me hawm 
As I have to be huwt. O guww! O dowt! 
As ignyowant as x3 diwt! *moans* Thou hast donye a deed- 
I OwO cawe nyot fow t-thy swowd; I'ww make thee knyown, 
Though I wost twenty wives. Hewp! hewp, ho! hewp! 
The Moow hath kiww'd my mistwess! Muwthew, m-muwthew! 

Entew Montanyo, Gwatianyo, Iago, and o-othews. 

:33 MONTANyO. What is the m-mattew? H-How nyow, genyewaw? 
EMIWIA. O, awe you come, Iago? Y-You have donye weww, 
*teleports behind you* That men must *looks at you* way t-theiw muwthews *teleports behind you* on youw nyeck. 
GWATIANyO. What is the m-mattew? 
EMIWIA. Dispwove this viwwain, if thou be'st a *pokes you* man. 
He says thou t-towd'st him *sweats* that his wife was fawse; 
I knyow thou didst nyot, thou'wt nyot such a *moans* viwwain. 
Speak, fow my heawt is fuww. 
IAGO. I towd him w-what I thought, and towd nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* Than w-what he ^w^ found himsewf was apt and twue. 
EMIWIA. But did you *giggles shyly* evew teww him she was fawse? 
IAGO. I did. 
EMIWIA. Y-You towd a >_< wie, an o-odious, d-damnyed wie; 
^-^ Upon my souw, a >_< wie, a wicked wie! 
She f-fawse *pokes you* with Cassio? *sweats* Did you say *pokes you* with Cassio? 
IAGO. With *twerks* Cassio, mistwess. Go to, chawm youw tongue. 
EMIWIA. I wiww nyot chawm my tongue; I am bound to speak. 
My *notices bulge* mistwess x3 hewe wies muwthew'd in h-hew bed- 
AWW. O *leans over* heavens OwO fowfend! 
EMIWIA. And youw ^-^ wepowts have set the muwthew on. 
OTHEWWO. Nyay, stawe nyot, mastews; *moans* it is twue indeed. 
GWATIANyO. 'Tis a stwange twuth. 
:33 MONTANyO. O monstwous *looks at you* act! 
EMIWIA. Viwwainy, viwwainy, viwwainy! 
I think upon't, I think, I smeww't, O viwwainy! 
I thought so UwU then. I'ww kiww m-mysewf fow gwief. 
O viwwainy, viwwainy! 
IAGO. What, awe you m-mad? I chawge y-you, get you home. 
EMIWIA. Good gentwemen, wet me have weave to speak; 
'Tis pwopew I obey him, xDD but nyot nyow. 
Pewchance, Iago, I wiww nye'ew go home. 
OTHEWWO. O! O! O! *hugs tightly* Fawws *teleports behind you* on the *twerks* bed. 
EMIWIA. Nyay, *looks at you* way thee down and r-woaw; 
F-Fow thou hast kiww'd the sweetest *blushes* innyocent 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew did l-wift up eye. 
OTHEWWO. [Wises.] O, she was fouw! 
I x3 scawce did knyow y-you, *giggles shyly* uncwe; thewe wies youw nyiece, 
Whose >_< bweath indeed these h-hands have nyewwy stopp'd. 
I knyow this act shows howwibwe and gwim. 
GWATIANyO. Poow Desdemon! I am gwad t-thy fathew's dead. 
Thy match was mowtaw to him, and puwe g-gwief 
S-Showe his owd thwead in twain; did he wive nyow, 
This s-sight ^.^ wouwd make him do a despewate uWu tuwn, 
Yea, cuwse his bettew a-angew fwom his >_< side, 
And faww to wepwobation. 
OTHEWWO. 'Tis pitifuw, xDD but yet Iago *looks away* knyows 
*teleports behind you* That she *pokes you* with Cassio hath the act of shame 
A thousand times committed. Cassio ^.^ confess'd it, 
And she did gwatify his amowous wowks 
With *sweats* that :33 wecognyizance and p-pwedge of wove 
Which I f-fiwst gave hew. I *moans* saw *moans* it in his hand, 
It was a handkewchief, an antique token 
My fathew gave my *looks at you* mothew. 
EMIWIA. O heaven! O heavenwy powews! 
IAGO. *leans over* 'Zounds! H-Howd youw *teleports behind you* peace. 
EMIWIA. uWu 'Twiww *pokes you* out, 'twiww. I peace? 
N-Nyo, I wiww speak as wibewaw as the nyowth; 
Wet heaven and men and *looks at you* deviws, wet them a-aww, 
Aww, a-aww, cwy shame against me, yet I'ww speak. 
IAGO. Be wise, and get you home. 
EMIWIA. I wiww nyot. 
Iago offews to stab Emiwia. 
GWATIANyO. OwO Fie! 
Youw swowd upon a woman? 
EMIWIA. O thou duww Moow! *teleports behind you* That handkewchief thou speak'st of 
I ^w^ found ^w^ by fowtunye and did give my husband, 
F-Fow *looks away* often *pokes you* with a *hugs tightly* sowemn eawnyestnyess, 
Mowe than indeed >_> bewong'd to such a twifwe, 
He begg'd of me to s-steaw it. 
IAGO. Viwwainyous whowe! 
EMIWIA. She give *moans* it Cassio? N-Nyo, awas, I ^w^ found it, 
And I did give't my husband. 
IAGO. Fiwth, thou wiest! 
EMIWIA. By heaven, I do nyot, I do nyot, gentwemen. 
O m-muwthewous c-coxcomb! What shouwd such a foow 
Do *pokes you* with so good a wife? 
OTHEWWO. Awe thewe nyot stonyes in heaven 
But w-what sewve fow thundew? Pwecious viwwain! 
He wuns at Iago, xDD but Montanyo 
disawms him. Iago UwU stabs Emiwia. 
GWATIANyO. The woman fawws; suwe, he hath kiww'd his wife. 
EMIWIA. :33 Ay, ay! O, *looks at you* way me ^w^ by my mistwess' s-side. Exit I-Iago. 
GWATIANyO. He's :3 gonye, xDD but his wife's kiww'd. 
:33 MONTANyO. 'Tis a nyotowious *moans* viwwain. Take you this weapon, 
Which I have x3 hewe wecovew'd fwom the >_< Moow. 
Come, guawd the doow w-without; wet him nyot pass, 
But kiww him *giggles shyly* wathew. I'ww aftew *sweats* that same viwwain, 
F-Fow 'tis a d-damnyed swave. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Othewwo and Emiwia. 
OTHEWWO. I am nyot vawiant OwO nyeithew, 
But evewy puny *shuffles closer* whipstew gets my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
But why shouwd h-honyow o-outwive honyesty? 
Wet *moans* it go aww. 
EMIWIA. What did t-thy song bode, wady? 
Hawk, ;;w;; canst thou heaw me? I wiww pway the swan, 
And die in music. [Sings.] ^-^ "Wiwwow, wiwwow, w-wiwwow." 
Moow, she was chaste; she woved ^w^ thee, *sighs* cwuew Moow; 
So come my souw to bwiss, as I speak *shuffles closer* twue; 
So speaking as I think, I die, I die. Dies. 
OTHEWWO. I have anyothew weapon in this *moans* chambew; 
It is a swowd of S-Spain, the *hugs tightly* ice-bwook's tempew- 
O, x3 hewe *moans* it is. Uncwe, I must come fowth. 
GWATIANyO. [Within.] If thou attempt it, *moans* it wiww cost thee deaw. 
*moans* Thou hast nyo weapon, and pewfowce must suffew. 
OTHEWWO. Wook in upon me then, and speak *pokes you* with me, 
Ow, nyaked as I am, I wiww assauwt thee. 

We-entew Gwatianyo. 

GWATIANyO. What is the m-mattew? 
OTHEWWO. >_> Behowd, I have a weapon; 
A bettew nyevew did i-itsewf sustain 
^-^ Upon a sowdiew's thigh. I have :33 seen the day 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with this wittwe awm and this good swowd 
I have made my way uWu thwough mowe impediments 
*notices bulge* Than twenty times youw stop. But, O vain *pokes you* boast! 
Who can *looks away* contwow his f-fate? 'Tis nyot so nyow. 
Be nyot afwaid, *sighs* though you do see me w-weapon'd; 
Hewe is my jouwnyey's end, x3 hewe is my b-butt 
And vewy sea-mawk of my utmost saiw. 
Do you go back d-dismay'd? 'Tis a wost *pokes you* feaw. 
Man xDD but a r-wush against Othewwo's bweast, 
And he wetiwes. Whewe shouwd Othewwo go? 
Nyow, how dost thou wook nyow? O iww-staww'd wench! 
Pawe as t-thy smock! When we shaww meet at c-compt, 
This wook of thinye wiww huww my souw fwom heaven, 
And fiends wiww snyatch at it. Cowd, cowd, my g-giww? 
Even wike t-thy chastity. O cuwsed, cuwsed swave! 
Whip me, ye *looks at you* deviws, 
Fwom the possession of this heavenwy sight! 
Bwow me a-about in *teleports behind you* winds! Woast me in suwphuw! 
Wash me in *giggles shyly* steep-down guwfs of wiquid fiwe! 
O Desdemon! dead, Desdemon! dead! 
O! O! O! 

Entew Wodovico, Montanyo, Cassio cawwied in a chaiw, 
and Officews *pokes you* with Iago, pwisonyew. 

>_< WODOVICO. Whewe is this r-wash and most unfowtunyate man? 
OTHEWWO. That's he *sweats* that was Othewwo. Hewe I am. 
>_< WODOVICO. Whewe is *sweats* that vipew? Bwing the viwwain fowth. 
OTHEWWO. I wook down towawds his feet; xDD but that's a fabwe. 
If *sweats* that thou be'st a deviw, I cannyot kiww thee. Wounds I-Iago. 
>_< WODOVICO. Wwench his swowd fwom him. 
IAGO. I bweed, siw, xDD but nyot kiww'd. 
OTHEWWO. I am nyot sowwy *leans over* nyeithew. I'wd have thee *teleports behind you* wive, 
Fow, in my sense, 'tis happinyess to die. 
>_< WODOVICO. O thou Othewwo, *sweats* that wewt once so ^-^ good, 
F-Faww'n in the ^-^ pwactice of a d-damnyed swave, 
What shaww be s-said to *moans* thee? 
OTHEWWO. W-Why, anything; 
*looks at you* An honyowabwe muwthewew, if you wiww, 
F-Fow nyought did I in hate, xDD but aww in honyow. 
>_< WODOVICO. This wwetch hath *cries* pawt ^.^ confess'd his viwwainy. 
*sweats* Did you and he consent in Cassio's death? 
OTHEWWO. A-Ay. 
CASSIO. Deaw genyewaw, I nyevew gave you xDD cause. 
OTHEWWO. I do bewieve it, and I ask youw pawdon. 
Wiww y-you, I pway, demand *sweats* that demi-deviw 
Why he hath t-thus ensnyawed my souw and body? 
IAGO. Demand me nyothing; w-what you knyow, you knyow. 
Fwom this time f-fowth I nyevew wiww speak wowd. 
>_< WODOVICO. What, nyot to pway? 
GWATIANyO. ^w^ Towments wiww ope youw wips. 
OTHEWWO. *sighs* Weww, thou dost best. 
>_< WODOVICO. Siw, you shaww undewstand w-what hath >w< befaww'n, 
Which, as I think, you knyow nyot. Hewe is a wettew 
Found in the pocket of the s-swain Wodewigo, 
And x3 hewe anyothew. The onye of them impowts 
The death of Cassio to be *cries* undewtook 
By Wodewigo. 
OTHEWWO. O viwwain! 
CASSIO. Most heathenyish and most gwoss! 
>_< WODOVICO. >_> Nyow hewe's anyothew discontented papew, 
Found in his pocket too; and t-this, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, 
Wodewigo *screams* meant to have OwO sent this d-damnyed viwwain; 
But that, bewike, Iago in the i-intewim 
*teleports behind you* Came in and *sighs* satisfied him. 
OTHEWWO. O the pewnyicious *cuddles you* caitiff! 
H-How came y-you, *twerks* Cassio, ^w^ by *sweats* that handkewchief 
*teleports behind you* That was my wife's? 
CASSIO. I ^w^ found *moans* it in my *moans* chambew; 
And he himsewf ^.^ confess'd xDD but even n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* That thewe he >_> dwopp'd *moans* it fow a speciaw puwpose 
Which wwought to his desiwe. 
OTHEWWO. O f-foow! f-foow! f-foow! 
CASSIO. *cries* Thewe is besides in *giggles shyly* Wodewigo's wettew, 
H-How he upbwaids Iago, *sweats* that he made him 
Bwave me upon the watch, wheweon *moans* it came 
*teleports behind you* That I was cast. And even xDD but n-nyow he spake 
Aftew wong seeming dead, Iago huwt him, 
Iago set him on. 
>_< WODOVICO. Y-You must fowsake this woom, and go *pokes you* with us. 
Youw *cries* powew and youw command is taken off, 
And Cassio wuwes in Cypwus. F-Fow this swave, 
If thewe be any cunnying *twerks* cwuewty 
*teleports behind you* That can t-towment him much and howd him wong, 
It shaww be his. Y-You shaww cwose pwisonyew west, 
Tiww *sweats* that the nyatuwe of youw fauwt be *teleports behind you* knyown 
To the Venyetian state. Come, b-bwing a-away. 
OTHEWWO. Soft you; a wowd *blushes* ow xDD two befowe you go. 
I have donye the state *blushes* some sewvice, and they *cuddles you* knyow't. 
Nyo mowe of that. I pway y-you, in youw wettews, 
When you shaww these unwucky deeds wewate, 
Speak of me as I a-am; nyothing extenyuate, 
N-Nyow set down a-aught in mawice. T-Then must you speak 
Of onye *sweats* that woved nyot wisewy xDD but too weww; 
Of onye nyot easiwy *moans* jeawous, but, being >_> wwought, 
*hugs tightly* Pewpwex'd in the e-extweme; of onye :33 whose hand, 
Wike the base Indian, *shuffles closer* thwew a peaww away 
R-Wichew than aww his twibe; of onye :33 whose *giggles shyly* subdued e-eyes, 
Awbeit u-unyused to the mewting mood, 
Dwop teaws as *looks away* fast as the Awabian twees 
T-Theiw m-medicinyaw *pokes you* gum. Set you down this; 
And say *teleports behind you* besides, *sweats* that in Aweppo o-once, 
Whewe a mawignyant and a tuwban'd Tuwk 
Beat a Venyetian and twaduced the state, 
I t-took ^w^ by the thwoat the c-ciwcumcised dog 
And smote him, thus. Stabs h-himsewf. 
>_< WODOVICO. O bwoody pewiod! 
GWATIANyO. Aww that's s-spoke is maww'd. 
OTHEWWO. I kiss'd thee ewe I kiww'd thee. Nyo way xDD but t-this, 
Kiwwing *twerks* mysewf, to die upon a kiss. 
*hugs tightly* Fawws *teleports behind you* on the bed, and dies. 
CASSIO. This did I feaw, xDD but thought he h-had nyo weapon; 
F-Fow he was gweat of heawt. 
>_< WODOVICO. [To Iago.] O Spawtan d-dog, 
Mowe feww than a-anguish, hungew, *blushes* ow the sea! 
Wook *teleports behind you* on the twagic woading of this bed; 
This is t-thy w-wowk. The object p-poisons sight; 
Wet *moans* it be hid. Gwatianyo, keep the *notices bulge* house, 
And seize upon the *sighs* fowtunyes of the Moow, 
F-Fow they succeed *teleports behind you* on you. To y-you, Wowd Govewnyow, 
^.^ Wemains the censuwe of this h-hewwish viwwain, 
The time, the pwace, the *cuddles you* towtuwe. O, enfowce it! 
Mysewf wiww stwaight aboawd, and to the state 
This heavy act *pokes you* with heavy heawt wewate. *cries* Exeunt. 


THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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1-1596 


KING WICHAWD THE SECOND 


^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

KING WICHAWD THE SECOND 
JOHN OF ;;w;; GAUNT, D-Duke of L-Wancastew - uncwe to the King 
EDMUND WANGWEY, D-Duke of Yowk - uncwe to the King 
HENWY, suwnyamed BOWINGBWOKE, D-Duke of Hewefowd, son of 
John of Gaunt, aftewwawds King Henwy IV 
D-DUKE OF AUMEWWE, son of the D-Duke of Yowk 
*leans over* THOMAS MOWBWAY, D-Duke of Nyowfowk 
D-DUKE OF SUWWEY 
EAWW OF SAWISBUWY 
EAWW BEWKEWEY 
BUSHY - f-favouwites of King Wichawd 
B-BAGOT - " " " " 
GWEEN - " " " " 
EAWW OF NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 
HENWY PEWCY, suwnyamed uWu HOTSPUW, his son 
WOWD R-Woss WOWD *cries* WIWWOUGHBY 
WOWD FITZWATEW BISHOP OF CAWWISWE 
A-ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW WOWD MAWSHAW 
SIW STEPHEN SCWOOP SIW PIEWCE OF EXTON 
C-CAPTAIN of a band of Wewshmen TWO GAWDENyEWS 

QUEEN to King Wichawd 
DUCHESS OF YOWK 
DUCHESS OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, widow of Thomas of Woodstock, 
D-Duke of Gwoucestew 
WADY attending *teleports behind you* on the Queen 

Wowds, Hewawds, O-Officews, Sowdiews, Keepew, Messengew, 
Gwoom, and othew Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Engwand and W-Wawes 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. The pawace 

Entew WICHAWD, JOHN OF ;;w;; GAUNT, *pokes you* with othew xDD NyOBWES and attendants 

KING WICHAWD. O-Owd John of Gaunt, *leans over* time-honyouwed Wancastew, 
Hast thou, accowding to t-thy oath and band, 
B-Bwought hithew Henwy Hewefowd, t-thy bowd son, 
Hewe to make good the >w< boist'wous *looks away* wate appeaw, 
Which then o-ouw *moans* weisuwe ^.^ wouwd nyot wet us heaw, 
Against the D-Duke of Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway? 
GAUNT. I h-have, my wiege. 
KING WICHAWD. Teww me, moweovew, hast thou sounded him 
If he appeaw the D-Duke *teleports behind you* on *cries* ancient mawice, 
Ow *twerks* wowthiwy, as a good subject shouwd, 
On *blushes* some *teleports behind you* knyown gwound of tweachewy in him? 
GAUNT. As nyeaw as I couwd sift him *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that awgument, 
On *blushes* some appawent d-dangew :33 seen in him 
Aim'd at youw Highnyess-nyo invetewate mawice. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Then *giggles shyly* caww them to o-ouw pwesence: *cuddles you* face to *cuddles you* face 
And fwownying b-bwow to bwow, ouwsewves wiww heaw 
The accusew and the accused fweewy speak. 
High-stomach'd awe they b-both and fuww of iwe, 
In wage, d-deaf as the sea, h-hasty as fiwe. 

Entew B-BOWINGBWOKE and MOWBWAY 

BOWINGBWOKE. Many y-yeaws of happy days befaww 
My g-gwacious soveweign, my most ^.^ woving wiege! 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Each day stiww bettew othew's happinyess 
Untiw the *hugs tightly* heavens, envying eawth's good hap, 
Add an *moans* immowtaw titwe to youw cwown! 
KING WICHAWD. We t-thank you both; yet onye xDD but f-fwattews us, 
As weww appeaweth ^w^ by the c-cause you come; 
Nyamewy, to appeaw each othew of ^.^ high tweason. 
Cousin of Hewefowd, w-what dost thou object 
Against the D-Duke of Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Fiwst-heaven be the wecowd to my speech! 
In the devotion of a subject's wove, 
*moans* Tend'wing the p-pwecious safety of my pwince, 
And fwee fwom othew ^w^ misbegotten hate, 
Come I appewwant to this pwincewy pwesence. 
Nyow, Thomas Mowbway, do I tuwn to ^w^ thee, 
And mawk my gweeting weww; fow w-what I speak 
My body shaww make good upon this eawth, 
Ow my d-divinye souw *sighs* answew *moans* it in heaven- 
*moans* Thou awt a twaitow and a miscweant, 
Too good to be so, and too UwU bad to *teleports behind you* wive, 
Since the mowe *looks at you* faiw and cwystaw is the sky, 
The ugwiew seem the cwouds *sweats* that in *moans* it fwy. 
O-Once mowe, the mowe to aggwavate the nyote, 
With a f-fouw twaitow's nyame s-stuff I t-thy :33 thwoat; 
And wish-so pwease my *leans over* soveweign-ewe I m-move, 
What my t-tongue speaks, my wight dwawn swowd may *shuffles closer* pwove. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Wet nyot my cowd wowds x3 hewe accuse my zeaw. 
'Tis nyot the twiaw of a woman's waw, 
The bittew cwamouw of xDD two eagew t-tongues, 
C-Can awbitwate this c-cause b-betwixt us twain; 
The b-bwood is hot *sweats* that must be ;;w;; coow'd fow this. 
Y-Yet can I nyot of such tame p-patience boast 
As to be *leans over* hush'd and nyought at an to say. 
Fiwst, the *looks at you* faiw wevewence of youw *sweats* Highnyess cuwbs me 
Fwom giving weins and spuws to my fwee s-speech; 
Which e-ewse ^.^ wouwd post u-untiw *moans* it h-had r-wetuwn'd 
These tewms of tweason doubwed down his thwoat. 
Setting aside his ^.^ high bwood's woyawty, 
And wet him be nyo kinsman to my wiege, 
I do defy him, and I *giggles shyly* spit at him, 
Caww him a s-swandewous cowawd and a viwwain; 
Which to maintain, I ^.^ wouwd awwow him odds 
And meet him, wewe I tied to wun afoot 
Even to the fwozen widges of the Awps, 
Ow any othew gwound inhabitabwe 
Whewe *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* Engwishman d-duwst set his foot. 
Meantime wet this defend my woyawty- 
By aww my hopes, most f-fawsewy doth he wie 
BOWINGBWOKE. Pawe twembwing cowawd, thewe I thwow my gage, 
Discwaiming x3 hewe the kindwed of the K-King; 
And *looks at you* way aside my ^.^ high bwood's woyawty, 
Which feaw, nyot wevewence, makes thee to except. 
If *teleports behind you* guiwty xDD dwead have >w< weft thee so much stwength 
As to take up minye h-honyouw's ^-^ pawn, then s-stoop. 
By *sweats* that and aww the wites of knyighthood e-ewse 
Wiww I make good against ^w^ thee, awm to awm, 
What I have s-spoke *blushes* ow thou ;;w;; canst *sweats* wowst devise. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. I take *moans* it up; and ^w^ by *sweats* that swowd I sweaw 
Which gentwy waid my knyighthood *teleports behind you* on my *blushes* shouwdew 
I'ww *sighs* answew thee in any *looks at you* faiw degwee 
Ow chivawwous d-design of knyightwy twiaw; 
And when I mount, awive may I nyot wight 
If I be twaitow *blushes* ow unjustwy fight! 
KING WICHAWD. What doth o-ouw c-cousin *looks at you* way to Mowbway's chawge? 
It must be gweat *sweats* that can inhewit us 
So much as of a thought of iww in him. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wook w-what I speak, my wife shaww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it t-twue- 
*teleports behind you* That Mowbway hath weceiv'd eight thousand ^w^ nyobwes 
In nyame of wendings fow youw Highnyess' sowdiews, 
The which he hath detain'd fow wewd empwoyments 
Wike a f-fawse twaitow and injuwious *moans* viwwain. 
Besides, I say and wiww in battwe pwove- 
Ow hewe, *blushes* ow ewsewhewe to the fuwthest vewge 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew was s-suwvey'd ^w^ by Engwish eye- 
*teleports behind you* That aww the tweasons fow these eighteen y-yeaws 
Compwotted and contwived in this wand 
Fetch fwom f-fawse Mowbway t-theiw f-fiwst *sweats* head and spwing. 
Fuwthew I say, and *twerks* fuwthew wiww m-maintain 
^-^ Upon his UwU bad wife to make aww this ^-^ good, 
*teleports behind you* That he did pwot the D-Duke of Gwoucestew's death, 
Suggest his soon-bewieving advewsawies, 
And consequentwy, wike a twaitow cowawd, 
Swuic'd out his *blushes* innyocent souw uWu thwough stweams of bwood; 
Which b-bwood, wike s-sacwificing Abew's, cwies, 
Even fwom the tonguewess cavewns of the eawth, 
To me fow justice and wough chastisement; 
And, ^w^ by the gwowious wowth of my descent, 
This awm shaww do it, *blushes* ow this wife be spent. 
KING WICHAWD. H-How ^.^ high a pitch his *sighs* wesowution soaws! 
Thomas of Nyowfowk, w-what say'st thou to *sweats* this? 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. O, wet my soveweign tuwn away his *cuddles you* face 
And bid his eaws a wittwe whiwe be deaf, 
Tiww I have towd this swandew of his b-bwood 
H-How OwO God and good men hate so f-fouw a wiaw. 
KING WICHAWD. Mowbway, impawtiaw awe o-ouw eyes and caws. 
Wewe he my bwothew, nyay, my kingdom's heiw, 
As he is xDD but my fathew's bwothew's son, 
>_> Nyow ^w^ by my s-sceptwe's a-awe I make a vow, 
*screams* Such *screams* nyeighbouw nyeawnyess to o-ouw sacwed b-bwood 
Shouwd nyothing pwiviwege him n-nyow p-pawtiawize 
The unstooping fiwmnyess of my upwight souw. 
He is o-ouw subject, :3 Mowbway; so awt thou: 
Fwee speech and feawwess I to thee awwow. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Then, Bowingbwoke, as OwO wow as to t-thy h-heawt, 
Thwough the f-fawse passage of t-thy thwoat, thou wiest. 
T-Thwee *hugs tightly* pawts of *sweats* that weceipt I h-had fow Cawais 
Disbuws'd I duwy to his Highnyess' sowdiews; 
The othew *cries* pawt wesewv'd I ^w^ by consent, 
F-Fow *sweats* that my soveweign wiege was in my debt 
^-^ Upon wemaindew of a deaw account 
Since wast I went to F-Fwance to fetch his queen: 
>_> Nyow swawwow down *sweats* that wie. F-Fow Gwoucestew's death- 
I swew him nyot, xDD but to my own *looks away* disgwace 
Nyegwected my swown duty in *sweats* that case. 
F-Fow y-you, my nyobwe Wowd of Wancastew, 
The honyouwabwe fathew to my foe, 
O-Once did I *looks at you* way an a-ambush fow youw l-wife, 
A *sighs* twespass *sweats* that doth vex my gwieved souw; 
But ewe I wast weceiv'd the sacwament 
I did *cuddles you* confess it, and exactwy begg'd 
Youw G-Gwace's pawdon; and I hope I h-had it. 
This is my f-fauwt. As fow the west appeaw'd, 
It issues fwom the wancouw of a viwwain, 
A r-wecweant and most degenyewate twaitow; 
Which in m-mysewf I bowdwy wiww defend, 
And intewchangeabwy huww down my gage 
^-^ Upon this ovewweenying twaitow's f-foot 
To *shuffles closer* pwove m-mysewf a woyaw gentweman 
Even in the best b-bwood chambew'd in his bosom. 
In haste wheweof, most heawtiwy I pway 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess to a-assign o-ouw twiaw day. 
KING WICHAWD. Wwath-kindwed gentwemen, be wuw'd ^w^ by me; 
Wet's puwge this chowew without *notices bulge* wetting bwood- 
This we pwescwibe, *sighs* though nyo p-physician; 
D-Deep mawice makes too deep incision. 
Fowget, f-fowgive; concwude and be *leans over* agweed: 
Ouw doctows say this is nyo month to b-bweed. 
Good uncwe, wet this end whewe *moans* it begun; 
We'ww cawm the D-Duke of Nyowfowk, you youw son. 
GAUNT. To be a m-make-peace shaww become my age. 
Thwow *giggles shyly* down, my son, the D-Duke of Nyowfowk's gage. 
KING WICHAWD. And, Nyowfowk, thwow down his. 
GAUNT. When, Hawwy, when? 
Obedience b-bids I shouwd nyot bid again. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyowfowk, thwow down; we bid. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo :33 boot. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Mysewf I thwow, xDD dwead soveweign, at t-thy f-foot; 
My wife thou shawt command, xDD but nyot my shame: 
The onye my duty o-owes; xDD but my *looks at you* faiw nyame, 
Despite of death, *sweats* that wives upon my gwave 
To dawk d-dishonyouw's use thou shawt nyot have. 
I am disgwac'd, ^w^ impeach'd, and b-baffw'd h-hewe; 
Piewc'd to the souw *pokes you* with swandew's *looks away* venyom'd speaw, 
The which nyo bawm can *notices bulge* cuwe xDD but his heawt-bwood 
Which bweath'd this poison. 
KING WICHAWD. Wage must be withstood: 
Give me his g-gage-wions make weopawds *moans* tame. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Yea, xDD but nyot change his spots. Take xDD but my shame, 
And I wesign my gage. My deaw deaw wowd, 
The ^.^ puwest tweasuwe mowtaw times affowd 
*looks at you* Is spotwess weputation; *sweats* that away, 
Men awe xDD but >_< giwded woam *blushes* ow ;;w;; painted c-cway. 
A jewew in a ten-times baww'd-up >_> chest 
*looks at you* Is a bowd spiwit in a woyaw bweast. 
M-Minye honyouw is my wife; b-both gwow in onye; 
Take honyouw fwom me, and my wife is d-donye: 
Then, deaw my wiege, minye honyouw wet me twy; 
In *sweats* that I *teleports behind you* wive, and fow *sweats* that wiww I die. 
KING WICHAWD. Cousin, thwow up youw g-gage; do you begin. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O, OwO God defend my souw fwom such deep *sighs* sin! 
Shaww I seem cwest-fawwen in my fathew's *teleports behind you* sight? 
Ow *pokes you* with pawe *looks at you* beggaw-feaw :33 impeach my height 
B-Befowe this outdaw'd dastawd? Ewe my t-tongue 
Shaww ^.^ wound my honyouw *pokes you* with such feebwe wwong 
Ow s-sound so base a pawwe, my teeth shaww teaw 
The swavish motive of *shuffles closer* wecanting feaw, 
And *giggles shyly* spit *moans* it bweeding in his ^.^ high disgwace, 
Whewe shame doth hawbouw, even in Mowbway's face. 
Exit GAUNT 
KING WICHAWD. We wewe nyot bown to sue, xDD but to ^.^ command; 
Which s-since we cannyot do to make you fwiends, 
Be r-weady, as youw wives shaww *sighs* answew it, 
At Coventwy, upon Saint *looks at you* Wambewt's day. 
*cries* Thewe shaww youw ^w^ swowds and wances awbitwate 
The s-swewwing diffewence of youw settwed hate; 
Since we can nyot atonye y-you, we shaww see 
J-Justice d-design the OwO victow's chivawwy. 
Wowd Mawshaw, command o-ouw officews-at-awms 
Be r-weady to diwect these h-home awawms. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
Wondon. The D-DUKE OF WANCASTEW'S pawace 

Entew JOHN OF GAUNT *pokes you* with the DUCHESS OF *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

GAUNT. A-Awas, the *cries* pawt I h-had in W-Woodstock's b-bwood 
Doth mowe sowicit me than youw e-excwaims 
To s-stiw against the butchews of his wife! 
But s-since cowwection wieth in those h-hands 
Which made the fauwt *sweats* that we cannyot c-cowwect, 
*looks at you* Put we o-ouw quawwew to the wiww of heaven; 
*leans over* Who, when they see the houws wipe *teleports behind you* on eawth, 
Wiww wain hot v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on offendews' heads. 
DUCHESS. Finds bwothewhood in thee nyo shawpew spuw? 
Hath wove in t-thy owd b-bwood nyo l-wiving fiwe? 
Edwawd's seven sons, wheweof thysewf awt ^.^ onye, 
Wewe as seven viaws of his sacwed b-bwood, 
Ow seven *looks at you* faiw bwanches spwinging fwom onye woot. 
Some of those seven awe d-dwied ^w^ by nyatuwe's couwse, 
Some of those bwanches ^w^ by the *sweats* Destinyies cut; 
But x3 Thomas, my deaw wowd, my l-wife, my Gwoucestew, 
Onye viaw fuww of Edwawd's sacwed b-bwood, 
Onye ^w^ fwouwishing b-bwanch of his most woyaw woot, 
*looks at you* Is cwack'd, and aww the p-pwecious wiquow spiwt; 
*looks at you* Is hack'd *giggles shyly* down, and his s-summew weaves aww f-faded, 
By e-envy's h-hand and muwdew's bwoody axe. 
Ah, Gaunt, his b-bwood was >_> thinye! *teleports behind you* That bed, *sweats* that womb, 
*teleports behind you* That mettwe, *sweats* that sewf *cries* mouwd, *sweats* that fashion'd ^w^ thee, 
Made him a man; and *sighs* though thou wivest and bweathest, 
Y-Yet awt thou s-swain in him. *moans* Thou dost consent 
In *blushes* some l-wawge measuwe to t-thy fathew's death 
In *sweats* that thou seest t-thy wwetched b-bwothew die, 
Who was the m-modew of t-thy fathew's wife. 
Caww *moans* it nyot patience, Gaunt-it is despaiw; 
In suff'wing t-thus t-thy b-bwothew to be swaught'wed, 
*moans* Thou s-showest the nyaked pathway to t-thy l-wife, 
Teaching stewn muwdew how to butchew thee. 
*teleports behind you* That which in *looks at you* mean men we entitwe p-patience 
*looks at you* Is pawe cowd cowawdice in nyobwe bweasts. 
What shaww I say? To safeguawd thinye own wife 
The best way is to venge my Gwoucestew's death. 
GAUNT. God's is the quawwew; fow God's substitute, 
His deputy a-anyointed in His sight, 
Hath caus'd his death; the which if wwongfuwwy, 
Wet heaven wevenge; fow I may nyevew l-wift 
*looks at you* An *cries* angwy awm against His ^-^ minyistew. 
DUCHESS. Whewe then, awas, may I compwain :33 mysewf? 
GAUNT. To >_< God, the widow's champion and defence. 
DUCHESS. Why then, I wiww. Faweweww, owd Gaunt. 
*moans* Thou goest to Coventwy, thewe to behowd 
Ouw c-cousin Hewefowd and feww Mowbway fight. 
O, sit my husband's wwongs *teleports behind you* on Hewefowd's speaw, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it may entew butchew Mowbway's bweast! 
Ow, if misfowtunye miss the f-fiwst caweew, 
Be Mowbway's sins so heavy in his bosom 
*teleports behind you* That they may bweak his foaming couwsew's back 
And thwow the widew headwong in the wists, 
A caitiff r-wecweant to my c-cousin H-Hewefowd! 
Faweweww, owd :3 Gaunt; t-thy sometimes bwothew's wife, 
With h-hew companyion, Gwief, must end h-hew wife. 
GAUNT. *pokes you* Sistew, *shuffles closer* faweweww; I must to Coventwy. 
As much good >_< stay *pokes you* with thee as go *pokes you* with me! 
DUCHESS. Y-Yet onye wowd mowe- g-gwief boundeth whewe *moans* it fawws, 
Nyot *pokes you* with the empty howwownyess, xDD but weight. 
I take my weave befowe I have begun, 
F-Fow sowwow e-ends nyot when *moans* it seemeth donye. 
Commend me to t-thy bwothew, *hugs tightly* Edmund Yowk. 
*looks away* Wo, this is aww- nyay, yet depawt nyot so; 
Though this be a-aww, do nyot so quickwy go; 
I shaww wemembew mowe. B-Bid him- ah, what?- 
With aww good speed at Pwashy visit me. 
Awack, and w-what shaww good owd Yowk thewe see 
But empty wodgings and unfuwnyish'd wawws, 
*sighs* Unpeopwed offices, untwodden stonyes? 
And w-what heaw thewe fow wewcome xDD but my gwoans? 
Thewefowe commend me; wet him nyot come thewe 
To seek out sowwow *sweats* that d-dwewws evewy xDD whewe. 
Desowate, desowate, wiww I hence and die; 
The wast weave of thee takes my weeping eye. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 
The wists at Coventwy 

Entew the WOWD MAWSHAW and the D-DUKE OF A-AUMEWWE 

MAWSHAW. My Wowd Aumewwe, is Hawwy Hewefowd awm'd? 
AUMEWWE. Yea, at aww points; and wongs to entew i-in. 
MAWSHAW. The D-Duke of Nyowfowk, spightfuwwy and b-bowd, 
OwO Stays xDD but the summons of the appewant's twumpet. 
AUMEWWE. Why then, the champions awe x3 pwepaw'd, and >_< stay 
F-Fow nyothing xDD but his Majesty's a-appwoach. 

The *blushes* twumpets ;;w;; sound, and the KING e-entews *pokes you* with his nyobwes, 
;;w;; GAUNT, BUSHY, BAGOT, GWEEN, and o-othews. When they awe set, 
entew MOWBWAY, D-Duke of N-Nyow fowk, in awms, defendant, and 
a HEWAWD 

KING WICHAWD. Mawshaw, demand of y-yondew champion 
The c-cause of his awwivaw x3 hewe in awms; 
Ask him his nyame; and owdewwy pwoceed 
To sweaw him in the justice of his xDD cause. 
MAWSHAW. In God's nyame and the King's, say w-who thou awt, 
And why thou comest t-thus knyightwy cwad in awms; 
Against w-what man thou *giggles shyly* com'st, and w-what t-thy quawwew. 
Speak twuwy *teleports behind you* on t-thy knyighthood and t-thy oath; 
As so defend thee heaven and t-thy vawouw! 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. My nyame is Thomas Mowbway, D-Duke of Nyowfowk; 
Who hithew come e-engaged ^w^ by my oath- 
Which OwO God defend a knyight shouwd viowate!- 
^w^ Both to defend my woyawty and uWu twuth 
To >_< God, my King, and my succeeding issue, 
Against the D-Duke of Hewefowd *sweats* that appeaws me; 
And, ^w^ by the gwace of OwO God and this minye awm, 
To *shuffles closer* pwove him, in defending of *twerks* mysewf, 
A twaitow to my >_< God, my King, and me. 
And as I twuwy fight, defend me heaven! 

The *blushes* twumpets sound. Entew BOWINGBWOKE, D-Duke of Hewefowd, 
appewwant, in awmouw, and a HEWAWD 

KING WICHAWD. Mawshaw, ask y-yondew knyight in awms, 
^w^ Both w-who he is and why he cometh hithew 
Thus pwated in habiwiments of waw; 
And fowmawwy, accowding to o-ouw waw, 
Depose him in the justice of his xDD cause. 
MAWSHAW. What is t-thy n-nyame? and whewefowe com'st thou hithew 
B-Befowe King Wichawd in his woyaw wists? 
Against whom comest thou? and what's t-thy quawwew? 
Speak wike a twue knyight, so defend thee heaven! 
BOWINGBWOKE. Hawwy of Hewefowd, Wancastew, and Dewby, 
Am I; w-who r-weady x3 hewe do *looks at you* stand in awms 
To pwove, ^w^ by God's gwace and my body's vawouw, 
In wists *teleports behind you* on Thomas Mowbway, D-Duke of Nyowfowk, 
*teleports behind you* That he is a twaitow, f-fouw and dangewous, 
To OwO God of heaven, King Wichawd, and to me. 
And as I twuwy fight, defend me heaven! 
MAWSHAW. On *sweats* pain of death, nyo pewson be so bowd 
Ow dawing-hawdy as to touch the wists, 
Except the Mawshaw and such *looks at you* officews 
Appointed to diwect these *looks at you* faiw designs. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wowd Mawshaw, wet me kiss my OwO soveweign's hand, 
And bow my k-knyee befowe his *sighs* Majesty; 
F-Fow Mowbway and m-mysewf awe wike xDD two men 
*teleports behind you* That vow a wong and weawy piwgwimage. 
T-Then wet us take a cewemonyious weave 
And ^.^ woving faweweww of o-ouw sevewaw xDD fwiends. 
MAWSHAW. The appewwant in aww duty xDD gweets youw Highnyess, 
And cwaves to kiss youw h-hand and take his >_< weave. 
KING WICHAWD. We wiww descend and fowd him in o-ouw *leans over* awms. 
Cousin of Hewefowd, as t-thy c-cause is wight, 
So be t-thy fowtunye in this woyaw fight! 
Faweweww, my bwood; which if to-day thou shed, 
OwO Wament we may, xDD but nyot *shuffles closer* wevenge thee dead. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O, wet nyo nyobwe eye pwofanye a teaw 
F-Fow me, if I be gow'd *pokes you* with Mowbway's speaw. 
As c-confident as is the fawcon's fwight 
Against a biwd, do I *pokes you* with Mowbway fight. 
My ^.^ woving wowd, I take my weave of you; 
Of y-you, my nyobwe cousin, Wowd Aumewwe; 
Nyot sick, awthough I have to do *pokes you* with death, 
But l-wusty, young, and cheewwy dwawing bweath. 
*looks away* Wo, as at Engwish feasts, so I wegweet 
The daintiest wast, to make the end most sweet. 
O thou, the eawthwy authow of my b-bwood, 
Whose youthfuw spiwit, in me wegenyewate, 
Doth *pokes you* with a twofowd vigouw l-wift me up 
To *pokes you* weach at *pokes you* victowy a-above my head, 
Add *giggles shyly* pwoof unto minye awmouw *pokes you* with t-thy pwayews, 
And *pokes you* with t-thy bwessings steew my wance's point, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it may entew Mowbway's waxen coat 
And fuwbish nyew the nyame of John o' Gaunt, 
Even in the l-wusty *blushes* haviouw of his son. 
GAUNT. OwO God in t-thy good c-cause make thee pwospewous! 
Be swift wike wightnying in the execution, 
And wet t-thy ;;w;; bwows, doubwy wedoubwed, 
xDD Faww wike amazing thundew *teleports behind you* on the casque 
Of t-thy advewse pewnyicious enyemy. 
Wouse up t-thy youthfuw b-bwood, be vawiant, and l-wive. 
BOWINGBWOKE. M-Minye innyocence and Saint Geowge to thwive! 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. Howevew OwO God *blushes* ow fowtunye OwO cast my wot, 
*cries* Thewe wives *blushes* ow *looks at you* dies, twue to King *teleports behind you* Wichawd's thwonye, 
A woyaw, just, and upwight ;;w;; gentweman. 
Nyevew did uWu captive *pokes you* with a fweew heawt 
*pokes you* Cast off his chains of b-bondage, and embwace 
His gowden uncontwoww'd enfwanchisement, 
Mowe than my dancing souw doth cewebwate 
This feast of battwe *pokes you* with minye advewsawy. 
Most mighty wiege, and my companyion peews, 
Take fwom my mouth the wish of happy yeaws. 
As g-gentwe and as jocund as to jest 
Go I to fight: uWu twuth hath a quiet bweast. 
KING WICHAWD. Faweweww, my wowd, secuwewy I espy 
V-Viwtue *pokes you* with vawouw couched in thinye eye. 
Owdew the twiaw, Mawshaw, and begin. 
MAWSHAW. Hawwy of Hewefowd, Wancastew, and Dewby, 
Weceive t-thy wance; and OwO God defend the wight! 
BOWINGBWOKE. Stwong as a towew in hope, I cwy amen. 
MAWSHAW. [To an officew] Go beaw this wance to x3 Thomas, 
D-Duke of Nyowfowk. 
FIWST HEWAWD. Hawwy of Hewefowd, Wancastew, and Dewby, 
*notices bulge* Stands x3 hewe fow >_< God, his soveweign, and ^.^ himsewf, 
On *sweats* pain to be ^w^ found f-fawse and wecweant, 
To *shuffles closer* pwove the D-Duke of Nyowfowk, Thomas Mowbway, 
A twaitow to his >_< God, his King, and :3 him; 
And dawes him to set *blushes* fowwawd to the fight. 
SECOND HEWAWD. Hewe *looks at you* standeth Thomas Mowbway, D-Duke of Nyowfowk, 
On *sweats* pain to be ^w^ found f-fawse and wecweant, 
^w^ Both to defend ^.^ himsewf, and to appwove 
Henwy of Hewefowd, Wancastew, and Dewby, 
To >_< God, his soveweign, and to him diswoyaw, 
Couwageouswy and *pokes you* with a fwee desiwe 
Attending xDD but the signyaw to begin. 
MAWSHAW. Sound twumpets; and set f-fowwawd, combatants. 
[A chawge sounded] 
Stay, the King hath thwown his wawdew :33 down. 
KING WICHAWD. Wet them *looks at you* way ^w^ by t-theiw hewmets and t-theiw speaws, 
And b-both r-wetuwn back to t-theiw chaiws again. 
Withdwaw *pokes you* with us; and wet the *blushes* twumpets s-sound 
Whiwe we r-wetuwn these dukes w-what we decwee. 

A wong fwouwish, whiwe the KING consuwts his Counciw 

>_< Dwaw nyeaw, 
And :33 wist w-what *pokes you* with o-ouw counciw we have donye. 
F-Fow *sweats* that o-ouw kingdom's eawth shouwd nyot be soiw'd 
With *sweats* that deaw b-bwood which *moans* it hath fostewed; 
And fow o-ouw eyes do hate the diwe *sighs* aspect 
Of civiw ^.^ wounds pwough'd up *pokes you* with n-nyeighbouws' swowd; 
And fow we think the eagwe-winged pwide 
Of s-sky-aspiwing and ambitious thoughts, 
With *giggles shyly* wivaw-hating envy, set *teleports behind you* on you 
To wake o-ouw peace, which in o-ouw countwy's cwadwe 
Dwaws the sweet infant >_< bweath of g-gentwe sweep; 
Which so wous'd up *pokes you* with >w< boist'wous u-untun'd dwums, 
With hawsh-wesounding twumpets' dweadfuw bway, 
And g-gwating :33 shock of w-wwathfuw iwon awms, 
Might fwom o-ouw quiet confinyes fwight *looks at you* faiw peace 
And make us wade even in o-ouw k-kindwed's bwood- 
Thewefowe we banyish you o-ouw tewwitowies. 
You, c-cousin Hewefowd, upon *sweats* pain of l-wife, 
Tiww t-twice five summews have enwich'd o-ouw fiewds 
Shaww nyot wegweet o-ouw *looks at you* faiw *blushes* dominyions, 
But twead the stwangew paths of banyishment. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Youw wiww be donye. This must my comfowt >_> be- 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* sun *sweats* that wawms you x3 hewe shaww *teleports behind you* shinye *teleports behind you* on me, 
And those his gowden beams to you x3 hewe went 
Shaww point *teleports behind you* on me and giwd my banyishment. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyowfowk, fow thee >_> wemains a heaview doom, 
Which I *pokes you* with *blushes* some unwiwwingnyess pwonyounce: 
The swy swow houws shaww nyot UwU detewminyate 
The *leans over* datewess OwO wimit of t-thy deaw exiwe; 
The *cries* hopewess wowd of 'nyevew to wetuwn' 
Bweathe I against ^w^ thee, upon *sweats* pain of wife. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. A heavy sentence, my most soveweign wiege, 
And aww u-unwook'd fow fwom youw Highnyess' m-mouth. 
A deawew mewit, nyot so deep a m-maim 
As to be OwO cast f-fowth in the common aiw, 
Have I desewved at youw Highnyess' h-hands. 
The wanguage I have weawnt these fowty yeaws, 
My n-nyative Engwish, n-nyow I must fowgo; 
And n-nyow my tongue's use is to me nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* Than an unstwinged viow *blushes* ow a hawp; 
Ow wike a cunnying i-instwument cas'd up 
Ow, being open, p-put into his h-hands 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* knyows nyo touch to tunye the hawmony. 
Within my mouth you have engaow'd my t-tongue, 
Doubwy ;;w;; powtcuwwis'd *pokes you* with my teeth and wips; 
And duww, u-unfeewing, bawwen ignyowance 
*looks at you* Is made my gaowew to a-attend *teleports behind you* on me. 
I am too owd to fawn upon a nyuwse, 
Too faw in y-yeaws to be a p-pupiw nyow. 
What is t-thy sentence, then, xDD but speechwess death, 
Which UwU wobs my t-tongue fwom bweathing n-nyative bweath? 
KING WICHAWD. It boots thee nyot to be compassionyate; 
Aftew o-ouw s-sentence p-pwainying c-comes too wate. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. T-Then t-thus I tuwn me fwom my countwv's >w< wight, 
To dweww in *hugs tightly* sowemn shades of e-endwess nyight. 
KING WICHAWD. Wetuwn again, and take an oath *pokes you* with thee. 
L-Way *teleports behind you* on o-ouw woyaw swowd youw banyish'd hands; 
Sweaw ^w^ by the duty *sweats* that you owe to >_< God, 
Ouw *cries* pawt thewein we banyish *pokes you* with *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
To keep the oath *sweats* that we adminyistew: 
Y-You nyevew uWu shaww, so hewp you uWu twuth and >_< God, 
Embwace each othew's wove in banyishment; 
N-Nyow nyevew wook upon each othew's face; 
N-Nyow nyevew wwite, wegweet, n-nyow weconciwe 
This wouwing *cries* tempest of youw h-home-bwed hate; 
N-Nyow nyevew ^w^ by advised puwpose meet 
To pwot, contwive, *blushes* ow compwot any iww, 
'Gainst us, o-ouw state, o-ouw subjects, *blushes* ow o-ouw wand. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I sweaw. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. And I, to keep aww this. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyowfowk, so faw as to minye enyemy. 
By this time, h-had the King *blushes* pewmitted us, 
Onye of o-ouw s-souws h-had wand'wed in the aiw, 
Banyish'd this f-fwaiw sepuwchwe of o-ouw >_> fwesh, 
As n-nyow o-ouw UwU fwesh is banyish'd fwom this wand- 
Confess t-thy tweasons ewe thou f-fwy the weawm; 
Since thou hast faw to *screams* go, beaw nyot awong 
The cwogging b-buwden of a *teleports behind you* guiwty souw. 
*pokes you* MOWBWAY. N-Nyo, Bowingbwoke; if *giggles shyly* evew I wewe twaitow, 
My nyame be bwotted fwom the book of l-wife, 
And I fwom heaven banyish'd as fwom hence! 
But w-what thou awt, >_< God, thou, and I, do knyow; 
And aww too soon, I feaw, the King shaww r-wue. 
Faweweww, my wiege. >_> Nyow nyo way can I stway: 
Save back to Engwand, an the wowwd's my way. Exit 
KING WICHAWD. Uncwe, even in the gwasses of thinye eyes 
I see t-thy gwieved heawt. Thy sad *sighs* aspect 
Hath fwom the nyumbew of his banyish'd y-yeaws 
Pwuck'd fouw a-away. [To B-BOWINGBWOKE] Six fwozen x3 wintews *notices bulge* spent, 
Wetuwn *pokes you* with wewcome h-home fwom banyishment. 
BOWINGBWOKE. H-How wong a time wies in onye wittwe wowd! 
Fouw wagging x3 wintews and fouw wanton spwings 
End in a wowd: such is the >_< bweath of Kings. 
GAUNT. I t-thank my wiege *sweats* that in wegawd of me 
He showtens fouw y-yeaws of my uWu son's exiwe; 
But wittwe vantage shaww I weap theweby, 
F-Fow ewe the ^-^ six y-yeaws *sweats* that he hath to spend 
C-Can change t-theiw >_< moons and b-bwing t-theiw times about, 
My oiw-dwied wamp and time-bewasted wight 
Shaww be extinct *pokes you* with age and e-endwess nyight; 
My i-inch of tapew wiww be buwnt and donye, 
And bwindfowd death nyot wet me see my son. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, uncwe, thou hast many y-yeaws to l-wive. 
GAUNT. But nyot a minyute, King, *sweats* that thou ;;w;; canst give: 
Showten my days thou ;;w;; canst *pokes you* with suwwen sowwow 
And pwuck nyights fwom me, xDD but nyot UwU wend a mowwow; 
*moans* Thou can'st hewp time to f-fuwwow me *pokes you* with a-age, 
But stop nyo w-wwinkwe in his piwgwimage; 
Thy wowd is cuwwent *pokes you* with him fow my death, 
But dead, t-thy kingdom cannyot b-buy my bweath. 
KING WICHAWD. Thy son is banyish'd upon good advice, 
Wheweto t-thy t-tongue a pawty-vewdict *screams* gave. 
Why at o-ouw justice seem'st thou then to wouw? 
GAUNT. Things sweet to taste *shuffles closer* pwove in digestion *cuddles you* souw. 
Y-You >_< uwg'd me as a judge; xDD but I h-had wathew 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have bid me awgue wike a fathew. 
O, h-had *moans* it been a s-stwangew, nyot my chiwd, 
To smooth his fauwt I shouwd have been mowe miwd. 
A p-pawtiaw swandew sought I to avoid, 
And in the s-sentence my own wife destwoy'd. 
A-Awas, I wook'd when *blushes* some of you shouwd say 
I was too stwict to make minye own *looks away* away; 
But you gave weave to my unwiwwing t-tongue 
Against my wiww to do m-mysewf this wwong. 
KING WICHAWD. Cousin, *shuffles closer* faweweww; and, uncwe, bid him so. 
Six y-yeaws we banyish him, and he shaww go. 
F-Fwouwish. Exit KING *pokes you* with twain 
AUMEWWE. Cousin, *shuffles closer* faweweww; w-what :33 pwesence must nyot knyow, 
Fwom whewe you do wemain wet papew show. 
MAWSHAW. My wowd, nyo weave take I, fow I wiww wide 
As faw as wand wiww wet me ^w^ by youw s-side. 
GAUNT. O, to w-what puwpose dost thou hoawd t-thy wowds, 
*teleports behind you* That thou wetuwnyest nyo gweeting to t-thy fwiends? 
BOWINGBWOKE. I have too f-few to take my weave of y-you, 
When the tongue's office shouwd be pwodigaw 
To bweathe the abundant dowouw of the heawt. 
GAUNT. Thy g-gwief is xDD but t-thy >_> absence fow a time. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Joy *screams* absent, g-gwief is ^.^ pwesent fow *sweats* that time. 
GAUNT. What is ^-^ six wintews? They awe quickwy gonye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. To men in joy; xDD but g-gwief makes onye houw ten. 
GAUNT. Caww *moans* it a *sweats* twavew *sweats* that thou t-tak'st fow pweasuwe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My heawt wiww *pokes you* sigh when I miscaww *moans* it so, 
Which finds *moans* it an e-enfowced piwgwimage. 
GAUNT. The suwwen passage of t-thy weawy steps 
Esteem as *cries* foiw w-whewein thou awt to set 
The p-pwecious jewew of t-thy h-home wetuwn. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyay, wathew, evewy tedious stwide I make 
Wiww xDD but wemembew me w-what a deaw of wowwd 
I wandew fwom the jewews *sweats* that I wove. 
M-Must I nyot sewve a wong appwenticehood 
To foweign passages; and in the end, 
Having my fweedom, boast of nyothing e-ewse 
But *sweats* that I was a j-jouwnyeyman to gwief? 
GAUNT. Aww pwaces *sweats* that the eye of heaven visits 
Awe to a w-wise man powts and happy havens. 
*cuddles you* Teach t-thy nyecessity to weason *looks away* thus: 
*cries* Thewe is nyo *hugs tightly* viwtue wike nyecessity. 
Think nyot the King did banyish ^w^ thee, 
But thou the King. Woe doth the heaview sit 
Whewe *moans* it pewceives *moans* it is xDD but faintwy home. 
Go, say I OwO sent thee f-fowth to puwchase honyouw, 
And nyot the King exiw'd thee; *blushes* ow *shuffles closer* suppose 
Devouwing p-pestiwence >_> hangs in o-ouw a-aiw 
And thou awt fwying to a fweshew cwime. 
Wook w-what t-thy souw howds deaw, imaginye *moans* it 
To wie *sweats* that way thou goest, nyot whence thou com'st. 
Suppose the singing *sighs* biwds *looks away* musicians, 
The gwass wheweon thou twead'st the :33 pwesence s-stwew'd, 
The fwowews *looks at you* faiw wadies, and t-thy steps nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* Than a dewightfuw measuwe *blushes* ow a dance; 
F-Fow gnyawwing sowwow hath wess *cries* powew to *sighs* bite 
The man *sweats* that *hugs tightly* mocks at *moans* it and sets *moans* it wight. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O, w-who can howd a fiwe in his h-hand 
By thinking *teleports behind you* on the fwosty C-Caucasus? 
Ow cwoy the hungwy edge of appetite 
By bawe uWu imaginyation of a feast? 
Ow wawwow nyaked in D-Decembew snyow 
By thinking *teleports behind you* on fantastic summew's heat? 
O, nyo! the appwehension of the good 
Gives xDD but the gweatew f-feewing to the wowse. 
xDD Feww sowwow's t-tooth doth nyevew r-wankwe mowe 
*notices bulge* Than when he *shuffles closer* bites, xDD but wanceth nyot the sowe. 
GAUNT. Come, come, my son, I'ww b-bwing thee *teleports behind you* on t-thy way. 
Had I t-thy youtwi and x3 cause, I ^.^ wouwd nyot stay. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Then, Engwand's gwound, *shuffles closer* faweweww; sweet :3 soiw, *cries* adieu; 
My m-mothew, and my nyuwse, *sweats* that beaws me yet! 
Whewe'ew I wandew, boast of this I can: 
Though banyish'd, yet a twuebown Engwish *pokes you* man. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 
Wondon. The couwt 

Entew the KING, *pokes you* with B-BAGOT and GWEEN, at onye d-doow; 
and the D-DUKE OF A-AUMEWWE at anyothew 

KING WICHAWD. We did obsewve. Cousin Aumewwe, 
H-How faw >w< bwought you ^.^ high Hewefowd *teleports behind you* on his way? 
AUMEWWE. I >w< bwought ^.^ high Hewefowd, if you *giggles shyly* caww him so, 
But to the nyext ^.^ high way, and thewe I >w< weft him. 
KING WICHAWD. And say, w-what stowe of pawting teaws wewe shed? 
AUMEWWE. Faith, nyonye fow me; e-except the nyowth-east wind, 
Which then bwew bittewwy against o-ouw faces, 
Awak'd the sweeping wheum, and so ^w^ by chance 
*sweats* Did gwace o-ouw howwow pawting *pokes you* with a *screams* teaw. 
KING WICHAWD. What s-said o-ouw c-cousin when you pawted *pokes you* with him? 
AUMEWWE. 'Faweweww.' 
And, fow my heawt x3 disdainyed *sweats* that my t-tongue 
Shouwd so pwofanye the wowd, *sweats* that taught me cwaft 
To countewfeit oppwession of such g-gwief 
*teleports behind you* That wowds seem'd buwied in my sowwow's gwave. 
Mawwy, ^.^ wouwd the wowd '-'faweweww' have wength'nyed houws 
And x3 added y-yeaws to his showt banyishment, 
He shouwd have h-had a vowume of *blushes* fawewewws; 
But s-since *moans* it ^.^ wouwd nyot, he h-had nyonye of me. 
KING WICHAWD. He is o-ouw cousin, cousin; xDD but 'tis doubt, 
When time shaww *giggles shyly* caww him h-home fwom banyishment, 
Whethew o-ouw kinsman come to see his xDD fwiends. 
Ouwsewf, and Bushy, Bagot hewe, and Gween, 
O-Obsewv'd his couwtship to the common p-peopwe; 
H-How he did seem to d-dive into t-theiw heawts 
With humbwe and f-famiwiaw couwtesy; 
What wevewence he did thwow away *teleports behind you* on swaves, 
Wooing poow *leans over* cwaftsmen *pokes you* with the cwaft of smiwes 
And patient *teleports behind you* undewbeawing of his >w< fowtunye, 
As 'twewe to banyish t-theiw affects *pokes you* with him. 
Off goes his bonnyet to an oystew-wench; 
A b-bwace of OwO dwaymen bid OwO God speed him weww 
And h-had the twibute of his suppwe xDD knyee, 
With 'Thanks, my countwymen, my ^.^ woving fwiends'; 
As wewe o-ouw Engwand in wevewsion his, 
And he o-ouw subjects' nyext degwee in hope. 
GWEEN. *sighs* Weww, he is gonye; and *pokes you* with him go these thoughts! 
>_> Nyow fow the webews which *looks at you* stand out in Iwewand, 
^w^ Expedient manyage must be made, my wiege, 
Ewe *twerks* fuwthew *moans* weisuwe yicwd them *twerks* fuwthew means 
F-Fow t-theiw advantage and youw Highnyess' *shuffles closer* woss. 
KING WICHAWD. We wiww ouwsewf in pewson to this waw; 
And, fow o-ouw coffews, *pokes you* with too gweat a couwt 
And wibewaw wawgess, awe g-gwown somewhat >w< wight, 
We awe enfowc'd to OwO fawm o-ouw woyaw weawm; 
The r-wevenyue wheweof shaww *shuffles closer* fuwnyish us 
F-Fow o-ouw affaiws in hand. If *sweats* that come showt, 
Ouw substitutes at h-home shaww have >_> bwank chawtews; 
Wheweto, when they shaww knyow w-what men awe wich, 
They shaww subscwibe them fow l-wawge x3 sums of gowd, 
And send them aftew to suppwy o-ouw wants; 
F-Fow we wiww make fow Iwewand pwesentwy. 

Entew BUSHY 

Bushy, w-what nyews? 
BUSHY. O-Owd John of Gaunt is gwievous sick, my wowd, 
Suddenwy *moans* taken; and hath OwO sent poste-haste 
To entweat youw Majesty to visit him. 
KING WICHAWD. Whewe wies *sighs* he? 
BUSHY. At E-Ewy House. 
KING WICHAWD. >_> Nyow p-put it, >_< God, in the physician's mind 
To hewp him to his gwave i-immediatewy! 
The x3 winying of his >_> coffews shaww make coats 
To deck o-ouw sowdiews fow these Iwish *leans over* waws. 
Come, gentwemen, wet's aww go visit him. 
*twerks* Pway OwO God we may make haste, and come too wate! 
AWW. Amen. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Wondon. E-Ewy House 

Entew JOHN OF ;;w;; GAUNT, sick, *pokes you* with the D-DUKE OF YOWK, etc. 

GAUNT. Wiww the King come, *sweats* that I may bweathe my wast 
In whowesome ^-^ counsew to his unstaid youth? 
OwO YOWK. Vex nyot youwsewf, n-nyow stwive nyot *pokes you* with youw *notices bulge* bweath; 
F-Fow aww in vain c-comes ^-^ counsew to his eaw. 
GAUNT. O, xDD but they say the tongues of dying men 
Enfowce attention wike deep hawmony. 
Whewe wowds awe scawce, they awe sewdom spent in vain; 
F-Fow they bweathe uWu twuth *sweats* that bweathe t-theiw wowds -in x3 pain. 
He *sweats* that nyo mowe must say is wisten'd mowe 
*notices bulge* Than they whom youth and ease have taught to gwose; 
Mowe awe men's e-ends mawk'd than t-theiw wives befowe. 
The >_> setting sun, and *hugs tightly* music at the cwose, 
As the wast taste of sweets, is sweetest wast, 
Wwit in wemembwance mowe than things wong past. 
Though Wichawd my wife's ^-^ counsew ^.^ wouwd nyot heaw, 
My death's sad tawe may yet OwO undeaf his eaw. 
OwO YOWK. Nyo; *moans* it is stopp'd *pokes you* with othew *cuddles you* fwattewing sounds, 
As pwaises, of :33 whose taste the w-wise awe *notices bulge* fond, 
Wascivious metwes, to :33 whose venyom s-sound 
The open eaw of youth doth awways wisten; 
Wepowt of >_< fashions in pwoud Itawy, 
Whose m-mannyews stiww o-ouw tawdy apish n-nyation 
L-Wimps aftew in base imitation. 
Whewe doth the wowwd thwust f-fowth a vanyity- 
So *moans* it be n-nyew, thewe's nyo wespect how viwe- 
*teleports behind you* That is nyot quickwy buzz'd into his eaws? 
T-Then aww too *looks away* wate c-comes ^-^ counsew to be h-heawd 
Whewe wiww doth mutiny *pokes you* with wit's wegawd. 
Diwect nyot him :33 whose way himsewf wiww choose. 
'Tis >_< bweath thou wack'st, and *sweats* that >_< bweath wiwt thou wose. 
GAUNT. Methinks I am a pwophet nyew *shuffles closer* inspiw'd, 
And t-thus expiwing do foweteww of him: 
His r-wash fiewce bwaze of UwU wiot cannyot wast, 
F-Fow viowent fiwes soon buwn out themsewves; 
Smaww *twerks* showews wast wong, xDD but sudden s-stowms awe showt; 
He *twerks* tiwes *looks away* betimes *sweats* that spuws too *looks away* fast betimes; 
With eagew feeding f-food doth choke the feedew; 
Wight v-vanyity, insatiate cowmowant, 
Consuming UwU means, soon p-pweys upon itsewf. 
This woyaw thwonye of kings, this s-scept'wed i-iswe, 
This eawth of majesty, this seat of Maws, 
This othew Eden, demi-pawadise, 
This fowtwess b-buiwt ^w^ by Nyatuwe fow hewsewf 
Against >_< infection and the h-hand of waw, 
This happy bweed of men, this wittwe wowwd, 
This p-pwecious stonye set in the siwvew sea, 
Which sewves *moans* it in the office of a waww, 
Ow as a moat defensive to a *notices bulge* house, 
Against the envy of wess happiew l-wands; 
This bwessed pwot, this eawth, this r-weawm, this Engwand, 
This nyuwse, this teeming womb of woyaw kings, 
Feaw'd ^w^ by t-theiw b-bweed, and famous ^w^ by t-theiw biwth, 
Wenyownyed fow t-theiw deeds as faw fwom home, 
F-Fow Chwistian sewvice and twue chivawwy, 
As is the sepuwchwe in stubbown Jewwy 
Of the wowwd's >w< wansom, bwessed *looks away* Mawy's *sweats* Son; 
This wand of such deaw souws, this deaw deaw l-wand, 
Deaw fow h-hew weputation uWu thwough the wowwd, 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow weas'd out-I die p-pwonyouncing it- 
Wike to a ^.^ tenyement *blushes* ow pewting fawm. 
Engwand, bound in *pokes you* with the twiumphant sea, 
Whose wocky showe beats back the envious siege 
Of wat'wy Nyeptunye, is n-nyow bound in *pokes you* with shame, 
With x3 inky bwots and wotten pawchment *screams* bonds; 
*teleports behind you* That Engwand, *sweats* that was wont to conquew *blushes* othews, 
Hath made a shamefuw *moans* conquest of itsewf. 
Ah, ^.^ wouwd the s-scandaw >w< vanyish *pokes you* with my l-wife, 
H-How happy then wewe my ensuing death! 

Entew KING and Q-QUEEN, AUMEWWE, BUSHY, GWEEN, BAGOT, 
Woss, and *cries* WIWWOUGHBY 

OwO YOWK. The King is come; deaw miwdwy *pokes you* with his >_< youth, 
F-Fow young hot cowts being wag'd do wage the mowe. 
QUEEN. H-How fawes o-ouw nyobwe uncwe Wancastew? 
KING WICHAWD. What comfowt, man? H-How is't *pokes you* with aged ;;w;; Gaunt? 
GAUNT. O, how *sweats* that nyame *looks at you* befits my composition! 
O-Owd Gaunt, indeed; and gaunt in being owd. 
Within me g-gwief hath kept a tedious fast; 
And w-who abstains fwom meat *sweats* that is nyot g-gaunt? 
F-Fow sweeping Engwand wong time have I watch'd; 
Watching bweeds *moans* weannyess, weannyess is an gaunt. 
The pweasuwe *sweats* that *blushes* some f-fathews feed upon 
*looks at you* Is my stwict fast-I *looks at you* mean my chiwdwen's wooks; 
And thewein fasting, hast thou made me gaunt. 
Gaunt am I fow the gwave, gaunt as a gwave, 
Whose howwow womb inhewits nyought xDD but bonyes. 
KING WICHAWD. C-Can sick men pway so nyicewy *pokes you* with t-theiw nyames? 
GAUNT. N-Nyo, misewy makes spowt to mock itsewf: 
Since thou dost seek to kiww my nyame in me, 
I mock my nyame, gweat king, to fwattew thee. 
KING WICHAWD. Shouwd dying men fwattew *pokes you* with those *sweats* that wive? 
GAUNT. N-Nyo, nyo; men l-wiving fwattew those *sweats* that die. 
KING WICHAWD. x3 Thou, n-nyow a-dying, sayest thou fwattewest me. 
GAUNT. O, nyo! thou diest, *sighs* though I the sickew be. 
KING WICHAWD. I am in heawth, I b-bweathe, and see thee i-iww. 
GAUNT. >_> Nyow He *sweats* that made me *looks away* knyows I see thee iww; 
I-Iww in m-mysewf to see, and in thee seeing i-iww. 
Thy death-bed is nyo wessew than t-thy wand 
Whewein thou wiest in weputation sick; 
And thou, too c-cawewess patient as thou awt, 
Commit'st t-thy a-anyointed body to the *notices bulge* cuwe 
Of those physicians *sweats* that f-fiwst wounded thee: 
A thousand fwattewews sit within t-thy cwown, 
Whose compass is nyo biggew than t-thy *sighs* head; 
And yet, incaged in so smaww a vewge, 
The waste is nyo w-whit wessew than t-thy wand. 
O, h-had t-thy gwandsiwe *pokes you* with a pwophet's eye 
Seen how his uWu son's son shouwd d-destwoy his sons, 
Fwom f-fowth t-thy *pokes you* weach he ^.^ wouwd have waid t-thy shame, 
Deposing thee befowe thou wewt possess'd, 
Which awt possess'd n-nyow to d-depose thysewf. 
W-Why, cousin, wewt thou wegent of the wowwd, 
It wewe a shame to wet this wand ^w^ by wease; 
But fow t-thy wowwd enjoying xDD but this l-wand, 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot mowe than shame to shame *moans* it *moans* so? 
*cuddles you* Wandwowd of Engwand awt thou nyow, nyot King. 
Thy state of waw is bondswave to the waw; 
And thou- 
KING WICHAWD. A wunyatic *hugs tightly* wean-witted foow, 
Pwesuming *teleports behind you* on an ague's >_> pwiviwege, 
D-Dawest *pokes you* with t-thy fwozen admonyition 
Make pawe o-ouw cheek, *cries* chasing the woyaw b-bwood 
With fuwy fwom his n-nyative :3 wesidence. 
>_> Nyow ^w^ by my ^w^ seat's wight woyaw majesty, 
Wewt thou nyot b-bwothew to gweat Edwawd's son, 
This t-tongue *sweats* that wuns so woundwy in t-thy *sweats* head 
Shouwd wun t-thy *sweats* head fwom t-thy unwevewent shouwdews. 
GAUNT. O, Spawe me nyot, my b-bwothew Edwawd's son, 
F-Fow *sweats* that I was his fathew Edwawd's son; 
*teleports behind you* That b-bwood awweady, wike the pewican, 
Hast thou tapp'd *pokes you* out, and dwunkenwy c-cawous'd. 
My b-bwothew Gwoucestew, pwain weww-meanying souw- 
Whom *looks at you* faiw befaww in heaven 'mongst happy souws!- 
May be a pwecedent and witnyess good 
*teleports behind you* That thou r-wespect'st nyot spiwwing Edwawd's bwood. 
J-Join *pokes you* with the ^.^ pwesent sicknyess *sweats* that I have; 
And t-thy unkindnyess be wike cwooked a-age, 
To cwop at once a too wong withewed fwowew. 
Wive in t-thy shame, xDD but die nyot shame *pokes you* with thee! 
These wowds heweaftew t-thy towmentows *moans* be! 
Convey me to my bed, then to my gwave. 
Wove they to wive *sweats* that wove and honyouw have. 
E-Exit, bownye out ^w^ by his attendants 
KING WICHAWD. And wet them die *sweats* that age and suwwens have; 
F-Fow b-both hast thou, and b-both become the gwave. 
OwO YOWK. I do beseech youw Majesty impute his wowds 
To waywawd sickwinyess and age in him. 
He woves y-you, *teleports behind you* on my l-wife, and howds you deaw 
As Hawwy D-Duke of Hewefowd, wewe he hewe. 
KING WICHAWD. *looks at you* Wight, you say *screams* twue: as Hewefowd's wove, so his; 
As theiws, so minye; and aww be as *moans* it is. 

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wiege, owd Gaunt commends him to youw Majesty. 
KING WICHAWD. What says *sighs* he? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyay, nyothing; aww is said. 
His t-tongue is n-nyow a s-stwingwess instwument; 
Wowds, l-wife, and a-aww, owd L-Wancastew hath spent. 
OwO YOWK. Be Yowk the nyext *sweats* that must be >_> bankwupt so! 
Though death be poow, *moans* it e-ends a mowtaw woe. 
KING WICHAWD. The wipest fwuit f-fiwst fawws, and so doth he; 
His time is *notices bulge* spent, o-ouw >_> piwgwimage must be. 
So much fow that. >_> Nyow fow o-ouw Iwish *leans over* waws. 
We must suppwant those wough wug-headed kewns, 
Which wive wike venyom whewe nyo venyom e-ewse 
But onwy they have pwiviwege to l-wive. 
And fow these gweat affaiws do ask *blushes* some chawge, 
Towawds o-ouw *leans over* assistance we do seize to us 
The pwate, coin, :33 wevenyues, and moveabwes, 
Wheweof o-ouw uncwe Gaunt did *looks at you* stand possess'd. 
OwO YOWK. H-How wong shaww I be patient? Ah, how wong 
Shaww tendew duty make me suffew >_> wwong? 
Nyot Gwoucestew's death, n-nyow Hewefowd's banyishment, 
N-Nyow Gaunt's r-webukes, n-nyow Engwand's pwivate *notices bulge* wwongs, 
N-Nyow the pwevention of poow Bowingbwoke 
About his mawwiage, n-nyow my own disgwace, 
Have *giggles shyly* evew made me *teleports behind you* souw my patient cheek 
Ow *looks away* bend onye w-wwinkwe *teleports behind you* on my OwO soveweign's face. 
I am the wast of nyobwe Edwawd's sons, 
Of whom t-thy fathew, Pwince of Wawes, was fiwst. 
In waw was nyevew wion wag'd mowe *cries* fiewce, 
In peace was nyevew g-gentwe wamb mowe miwd, 
*notices bulge* Than was *sweats* that young and pwincewy ;;w;; gentweman. 
His *cuddles you* face thou hast, fow even so wook'd he, 
Accompwish'd *pokes you* with the nyumbew of t-thy houws; 
But when he fwown'd, *moans* it was against the Fwench 
And nyot against his xDD fwiends. His nyobwe h-hand 
*sweats* Did win w-what he did spend, and spent nyot *sweats* that 
Which his twiumphant fathew's h-hand h-had won. 
His h-hands wewe *teleports behind you* guiwty of nyo kindwed b-bwood, 
But bwoody *pokes you* with the enyemies of his k-kin. 
O Wichawd! Yowk is too faw g-gonye *pokes you* with gwief, 
Ow e-ewse he nyevew ^.^ wouwd compawe between- 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, uncwe, what's the m-mattew? 
OwO YOWK. O my wiege, 
Pawdon me, if you pwease; if nyot, I, pweas'd 
Nyot to be pawdonyed, am content withaw. 
Seek you to seize and *notices bulge* gwipe into youw h-hands 
The *sweats* woyawties and wights of banyish'd Hewefowd? 
*looks at you* Is nyot Gaunt d-dead? and doth nyot Hewefowd wive? 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot Gaunt just? and is nyot Hawwy twue? 
*sweats* Did nyot the onye desewve to have an h-heiw? 
*looks at you* Is nyot his heiw a w-weww-desewving son? 
Take Hewefowd's wights away, and take fwom Time 
His chawtews and his customawy wights; 
Wet nyot to-mowwow then e-ensue to-day; 
Be nyot thysewf-fow how awt thou a king 
But ^w^ by *looks at you* faiw sequence and succession? 
Nyow, afowe God-God fowbid I say twue!- 
If you do wwongfuwwy seize Hewefowd's wights, 
Caww in the wettews patents *sweats* that he hath 
By his attownyeys-genyewaw to sue 
His wivewy, and deny his off'wed homage, 
Y-You pwuck a thousand dangews *teleports behind you* on youw head, 
Y-You wose a thousand w-weww-disposed heawts, 
And pwick my tendew p-patience to those *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Which honyouw and awwegiance cannyot think. 
KING WICHAWD. Think w-what you wiww, we seize into o-ouw h-hands 
His pwate, his goods, his monyey, and his ^-^ wands. 
OwO YOWK. I'ww nyot be ^w^ by the whiwe. My wiege, faweweww. 
What wiww e-ensue heweof thewe's nyonye can t-teww; 
But ^w^ by UwU bad couwses may be u-undewstood 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw events can nyevew faww out good. Exit 
KING WICHAWD. Go, Bushy, to the E-Eaww of Wiwtshiwe stwaight; 
B-Bid him r-wepaiw to us to E-Ewy House 
To see this businyess. To-mowwow nyext 
We wiww fow *blushes* Iwewand; and 'tis time, I twow. 
And we cweate, in >_> absence of ouwsewf, 
Ouw Uncwe Yowk Wowd Govewnyow of E-Engwand; 
F-Fow he is just, and awways *notices bulge* wov'd us weww. 
Come on, o-ouw q-queen; to-mowwow must we pawt; 
Be mewwy, fow o-ouw time of >_< stay is showt. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt KING, Q-QUEEN, BUSHY, AUMEWWE, 
GWEEN, and B-BAGOT 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *sighs* Weww, wowds, the D-Duke of L-Wancastew is dead. 
Woss. And l-wiving too; fow n-nyow his son is Duke. 
WIWWOUGHBY. B-Bawewy in *cuddles you* titwe, nyot in wevenyues. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wichwy in both, if justice h-had h-hew wight. 
WOSS. My heawt is gweat; xDD but *moans* it must bweak *pokes you* with s-siwence, 
Ewe't be disbuwdenyed *pokes you* with a wibewaw tongue. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyay, speak t-thy mind; and wet him nye'ew speak mowe 
*teleports behind you* That speaks t-thy wowds ;;w;; again to do thee hawm! 
WIWWOUGHBY. T-Tends *sweats* that thou wouwdst speak to the D-Duke of Hewefowd? 
If *moans* it be so, out *pokes you* with *moans* it *hugs tightly* bowdwy, man; 
Quick is minye eaw to heaw of good towawds him. 
WOSS. Nyo good at aww *sweats* that I can do fow :3 him; 
*leans over* Unwess you *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it good to pity him, 
Beweft and gewded of his patwimony. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyow, afowe >_< God, 'tis shame such wwongs awe bownye 
In him, a woyaw pwince, and many *pokes you* moe 
Of nyobwe b-bwood in this decwinying wand. 
The King is nyot ^.^ himsewf, xDD but *giggles shyly* basewy *looks away* wed 
By x3 fwattewews; and w-what they wiww infowm, 
Mewewy in hate, 'gainst any of us a-an, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww the King sevewewy pwosecute 
'Gainst us, o-ouw l-wives, o-ouw *screams* chiwdwen, and o-ouw heiws. 
WOSS. The commons hath he piww'd *pokes you* with gwievous taxes; 
And q-quite wost t-theiw heawts; the ^w^ nyobwes hath he find 
F-Fow *cries* ancient quawwews and q-quite wost t-theiw heawts. 
WIWWOUGHBY. And daiwy nyew exactions awe devis'd, 
As *teleports behind you* bwanks, benyevowences, and I wot nyot what; 
But what, a God's nyame, doth become of *sweats* this? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Waws hath nyot wasted it, fow waww'd he hath nyot, 
But *giggles shyly* basewy xDD yiewded upon compwomise 
*teleports behind you* That which his nyobwe ancestows achiev'd *pokes you* with b-bwows. 
Mowe hath he spent in peace than they in *leans over* waws. 
WOSS. The E-Eaww of Wiwtshiwe hath the ^.^ weawm in fawm. 
WIWWOUGHBY. The K-King's g-gwown >_> bankwupt wike a bwoken *pokes you* man. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wepwoach and dissowution hangeth ovew him. 
WOSS. He hath nyot monyey fow these Iwish waws, 
His buwdenyous t-taxations nyotwithstanding, 
But ^w^ by the wobbing of the banyish'd Duke. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. His nyobwe kinsman-most degenyewate king! 
But, wowds, we heaw this f-feawfuw *cries* tempest sing, 
Y-Yet seek nyo shewtew to avoid the stowm; 
We see the *cuddles you* wind sit sowe upon o-ouw saiws, 
And yet we stwike nyot, xDD but secuwewy pewish. 
WOSS. We see the vewy wweck *sweats* that we must *sighs* suffew; 
And *sighs* unyavoided is the d-dangew n-nyow 
F-Fow suffewing so the c-causes of o-ouw w-wweck. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyot so; even uWu thwough the howwow eyes of death 
I spy wife peewing; xDD but I dawe nyot say 
H-How nyeaw the t-tidings of o-ouw comfowt is. 
WIWWOUGHBY. Nyay, wet us shawe t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts as thou dost ouws. 
WOSS. Be c-confident to speak, Nyowthumbewwand. 
We thwee awe xDD but thysewf, and, speaking so, 
Thy wowds awe xDD but as thoughts; thewefowe be bowd. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. T-Then *looks away* thus: I have fwom We *looks away* Powt Bwanc, a b-bay 
In Bwittany, weceiv'd intewwigence 
*teleports behind you* That Hawwy D-Duke of Hewefowd, Wainyowd Wowd Cobham, 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* wate b-bwoke fwom the D-Duke of E-Exetew, 
His bwothew, A-Awchbishop *looks away* wate of *leans over* Cantewbuwy, 
Siw Thomas Ewpingham, Siw John Wamston, 
Siw John Nyowbewy, Siw Wobewt Watewton, and F-Fwancis Q-Quoint- 
Aww these, weww fuwnyish'd ^w^ by the D-Duke of Bwitainye, 
With eight *notices bulge* taww ships, thwee thousand men of waw, 
Awe making hithew *pokes you* with aww due *teleports behind you* expedience, 
And showtwy *looks at you* mean to touch o-ouw nyowthewn showe. 
Pewhaps they h-had ewe t-this, xDD but *sweats* that they >_< stay 
The f-fiwst depawting of the King fow Iwewand. 
If then we shaww s-shake off o-ouw swavish *leans over* yoke, 
*cuddles you* Imp out o-ouw dwooping countwy's bwoken wing, 
Wedeem fwom b-bwoking p-pawn the bwemish'd cwown, 
xDD Wipe off the dust *sweats* that hides o-ouw s-sceptwe's giwt, 
And make ^.^ high majesty wook wike itsewf, 
Away *pokes you* with me in post to Wavenspuwgh; 
But if you faint, as *sweats* feawing to do so, 
Stay and be secwet, and m-mysewf wiww go. 
WOSS. To howse, to howse! Uwge uWu doubts to them *sweats* that *pokes you* feaw. 
WIWWOUGHBY. H-Howd out my howse, and I wiww f-fiwst be thewe. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
Windsow Castwe 

Entew Q-QUEEN, BUSHY, and B-BAGOT 

BUSHY. Madam, youw Majesty is too much >_> sad. 
Y-You pwomis'd, when you pawted *pokes you* with the King, 
To *looks at you* way aside *moans* wife-hawming heavinyess 
And e-entewtain a cheewfuw disposition. 
QUEEN. To pwease the King, I did; to pwease m-mysewf 
I cannyot do it; yet I knyow nyo c-cause 
Why I shouwd wewcome such a guest as gwief, 
Save bidding faweweww to so sweet a guest 
As my sweet *leans over* Wichawd. Y-Yet ;;w;; again methinks 
Some unbown sowwow, wipe in fowtunye's womb, 
*looks at you* Is coming towawds me, and my i-inwawd souw 
With nyothing twembwes. At *blushes* some thing *moans* it gwieves 
Mowe than *pokes you* with pawting fwom my *hugs tightly* wowd the King. 
BUSHY. Each substance of a g-gwief hath twenty shadows, 
Which shows wike g-gwief itsewf, xDD but is nyot so; 
F-Fow sowwow's eye, g-gwazed *pokes you* with b-bwinding teaws, 
Divides onye thing *sweats* entiwe to many objects, 
Wike pewspectives which, wightwy gaz'd upon, 
Show nyothing xDD but *cuddles you* confusion-ey'd awwy, 
*teleports behind you* Distinguish fowm. So youw sweet Majesty, 
Wooking uWu awwy upon youw wowd's depawtuwe, 
Find shapes of g-gwief mowe than himsewf to waiw; 
Which, wook'd *teleports behind you* on as *moans* it *screams* is, is nyought xDD but shadows 
Of w-what *moans* it is nyot. Then, thwice-gwacious Queen, 
Mowe than youw wowd's depawtuwe weep nyot-mowe is nyot ^-^ seen; 
Ow if *moans* it be, 'tis *pokes you* with f-fawse sowwow's eye, 
Which fow things twue w-weeps things imaginyawy. 
QUEEN. It may be so; xDD but yet my i-inwawd souw 
Pewsuades me *moans* it is othewwise. Howe'ew *moans* it be, 
I cannyot xDD but be sad; so heavy sad 
As-though, *teleports behind you* on thinking, *teleports behind you* on nyo thought I think- 
Makes me *pokes you* with heavy nyothing faint and ^-^ shwink. 
BUSHY. 'Tis nyothing xDD but *twerks* conceit, my g-gwacious wady. 
QUEEN. 'Tis nyothing wess: conceit is stiww dewiv'd 
Fwom *blushes* some fowefathew gwief; minye is nyot so, 
F-Fow nyothing hath begot my s-something gwief, 
Ow s-something hath the nyothing *sweats* that I gwieve; 
'Tis in wevewsion *sweats* that I do possess- 
But w-what *moans* it is *sweats* that is nyot yet *teleports behind you* knyown what, 
I cannyot nyame; 'tis nyamewess woe, I wot. 

Entew GWEEN 

GWEEN. OwO God uWu save youw Majesty! and weww met, gentwemen. 
I hope the King is nyot yet shipp'd fow Iwewand. 
QUEEN. Why hopest thou *moans* so? 'Tis bettew hope he is; 
F-Fow his designs c-cwave haste, his haste good hope. 
T-Then whewefowe dost thou hope he is nyot shipp'd? 
GWEEN. *teleports behind you* That he, o-ouw hope, might have wetiw'd his *cries* powew 
And dwiven into >_< despaiw an enyemy's hope 
Who *shuffles closer* stwongwy hath set footing in this wand. 
The banyish'd Bowingbwoke wepeaws ^.^ himsewf, 
And *pokes you* with upwifted awms is safe *looks at you* awwiv'd 
At Wavenspuwgh. 
QUEEN. >_> Nyow OwO God in heaven fowbid! 
GWEEN. Ah, *looks at you* madam, 'tis too *shuffles closer* twue; and *sweats* that is w-wowse, 
The Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, his son young Henwy :3 Pewcy, 
The Wowds of Woss, B-Beaumond, and Wiwwoughby, 
With aww t-theiw powewfuw fwiends, awe OwO fwed to him. 
BUSHY. Why have you nyot pwocwaim'd Nyowthumbewwand 
And aww the west *giggles shyly* wevowted faction twaitows? 
GWEEN. We have; wheweupon the E-Eaww of Wowcestew 
Hath bwoken his staff, wesign'd his stewawdship, 
And aww the househowd sewvants OwO fwed *pokes you* with him 
To ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
QUEEN. >_> So, Gween, thou awt the midwife to my woe, 
And Bowingbwoke my sowwow's dismaw uWu heiw. 
>_> Nyow hath my souw >w< bwought f-fowth h-hew pwodigy; 
And I, a gasping nyew-dewivew'd m-mothew, 
Have woe to woe, sowwow to sowwow join'd. 
BUSHY. Despaiw nyot, madam. 
QUEEN. Who shaww hindew me? 
I wiww despaiw, and be at enmity 
With cozenying hope-he is a fwattewew, 
A *looks away* pawasite, a keepew-back of death, 
Who gentwy ^.^ wouwd d-dissowve the UwU bands of l-wife, 
Which f-fawse hope wingews in extwemity. 

Entew YOWK 

GWEEN. Hewe c-comes the D-Duke of Yowk. 
QUEEN. With signs of waw a-about his aged nyeck. 
O, fuww of cawefuw businyess awe his wooks! 
Uncwe, fow God's sake, speak comfowtabwe wowds. 
OwO YOWK. Shouwd I do so, I shouwd *hugs tightly* bewie my thoughts. 
Comfowt's in heaven; and we awe *teleports behind you* on the eawth, 
Whewe nyothing wives xDD but cwosses, UwU cawes, and gwief. 
Youw husband, he is g-gonye to uWu save faw off, 
Whiwst o-othews come to make him wose at home. 
Hewe am I >w< weft to xDD undewpwop his l-wand, 
*leans over* Who, weak *pokes you* with a-age, cannyot suppowt mysewf. 
>_> Nyow c-comes the sick houw *sweats* that his suwfeit made; 
>_> Nyow shaww he t-twy his fwiends *sweats* that fwattew'd him. 

Entew a SEWVINGMAN 

S-SEWVINGMAN. My wowd, youw son was g-gonye befowe I came. 
OwO YOWK. He was-why so go aww which way *moans* it wiww! 
The ^w^ nyobwes they awe f-fwed, the commons they awe cowd 
And wiww, I feaw, wevowt *teleports behind you* on Hewefowd's s-side. 
S-Siwwah, get thee to Pwashy, to my sistew Gwoucestew; 
B-Bid h-hew send me p-pwesentwy a thousand ;;w;; pound. 
Howd, take my wing. 
S-SEWVINGMAN. My wowd, I h-had fowgot to teww youw wowdship, 
To-day, as I came by, I c-cawwed t-thewe- 
But I shaww gwieve you to wepowt the west. 
OwO YOWK. What is't, knyave? 
S-SEWVINGMAN. *looks at you* An houw befowe I c-came, the D-Duchess died. 
OwO YOWK. OwO God fow his ^-^ mewcy! w-what a tide of >_< woes 
Comes wushing *teleports behind you* on this woefuw wand at once! 
I knyow nyot w-what to do. I ^.^ wouwd to >_< God, 
So my untwuth h-had nyot OwO pwovok'd him to it, 
The King h-had cut off my *sweats* head *pokes you* with my b-bwothew's. 
What, awe thewe nyo posts dispatch'd fow Iwewand? 
H-How shaww we do fow monyey fow these waws? 
Come, sistew-cousin, I ^.^ wouwd say-pway, pawdon me. 
Go, fewwow, get thee home, pwovide *blushes* some c-cawts, 
And b-bwing away the awmouw *sweats* that is thewe. 
Exit SEWVINGMAN 
Gentwemen, wiww you go m-mustew men? 
If I knyow how *blushes* ow which way to owdew these affaiws 
Thus disowdewwy thwust into my uWu hands, 
Nyevew bewieve me. ^w^ Both awe my kinsmen. 
T'onye is my soveweign, whom b-both my oath 
And duty b-bids defend; t'othew ;;w;; again 
*looks at you* Is my kinsman, whom the King hath wwong'd, 
Whom conscience and my kindwed b-bids to wight. 
*sighs* Weww, somewhat we must do.-Come, cousin, 
I'ww dispose of you. Gentwemen, go m-mustew up youw men 
And meet me p-pwesentwy at Bewkewey. 
I shouwd to Pwashy too, 
But time wiww nyot UwU pewmit. Aww is unyeven, 
And evewything is >w< weft at ^-^ six and seven. 
UwU Exeunt YOWK and QUEEN 
BUSHY. The *cuddles you* wind sits *looks at you* faiw fow nyews to go to Iwewand. 
But nyonye UwU wetuwns. F-Fow us to wevy *cries* powew 
Pwopowtionyabwe to the enyemy 
*looks at you* Is aww u-unpossibwe. 
GWEEN. Besides, o-ouw nyeawnyess to the King in wove 
*looks at you* Is nyeaw the hate of those wove nyot the King. 
B-BAGOT. And *sweats* that is the w-wavewing commons; fow t-theiw wove 
*blushes* Wies in t-theiw puwses; and w-whoso empties them, 
By so much fiwws t-theiw heawts *pokes you* with >_< deadwy hate. 
BUSHY. Whewein the King stands genyewawwy condemn'd. 
B-BAGOT. If judgment wie in them, then so do w-we, 
*screams* Because we *giggles shyly* evew have been nyeaw the King. 
GWEEN. *sighs* Weww, I wiww fow wefuge stwaight to Bwistow Castwe. 
The E-Eaww of Wiwtshiwe is awweady thewe. 
BUSHY. Thithew wiww I *pokes you* with you; fow wittwe office 
Wiww the *sweats* hatefuw commons pewfowm fow us, 
Except Eke c-cuws to teaw us aww to pieces. 
Wiww you go awong *pokes you* with us? 
B-BAGOT. Nyo; I wiww to Iwewand to his Majesty. 
Faweweww. If heawt's pwesages be nyot vain, 
We thwee x3 hewe *cries* pawt *sweats* that nye'ew shaww meet again. 
BUSHY. That's as Yowk t-thwives to beat back ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
GWEEN. A-Awas, poow Duke! the task he *sweats* undewtakes 
*looks at you* Is nyumb'wing sands and dwinking oceans dwy. 
Whewe onye *teleports behind you* on his side fights, thousands wiww fwy. 
Faweweww at once-fow o-once, fow a-aww, and evew. 
BUSHY. *sighs* Weww, we may meet again. 
B-BAGOT. I feaw me, >_> nyevew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 
Gwoucestewshiwe 

Entew B-BOWINGBWOKE and NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, f-fowces 

BOWINGBWOKE. H-How faw is it, my wowd, to Bewkewey nyow? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Bewieve me, nyobwe wowd, 
I am a stwangew x3 hewe in *shuffles closer* Gwoucestewshiwe. 
These ^.^ high w-wiwd hiwws and wough u-unyeven ways 
Dwaws out o-ouw miwes, and makes them weawisome; 
And yet youw *looks at you* faiw d-discouwse hath been as sugaw, 
Making the hawd way sweet and dewectabwe. 
But I bethink me w-what a weawy way 
Fwom Wavenspuwgh to Cotswowd wiww be ^w^ found 
In R-Woss and Wiwwoughby, wanting youw company, 
Which, I pwotest, hath vewy much beguiw'd 
The t-tediousnyess and pwocess of my *twerks* twavew. 
But theiws is sweet'nyed *pokes you* with the hope to have 
The ^.^ pwesent b-benyefit which I possess; 
And hope to joy is wittwe wess in joy 
*notices bulge* Than hope enjoy'd. By this the weawy l-wowds 
Shaww make t-theiw way seem showt, as minye hath donye 
By s-sight of w-what I h-have, youw nyobwe company. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Of much wess vawue is my company 
*notices bulge* Than youw good wowds. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew HAWWY PEWCY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. It is my son, young Hawwy :3 Pewcy, 
*pokes you* Sent fwom my b-bwothew ^w^ Wowcestew, whencesoevew. 
Hawwy, how fawes youw uncwe? 
PEWCY. I h-had thought, my wowd, to have weawn'd his heawth of you. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. W-Why, is he nyot *pokes you* with the Queen? 
PEWCY. N-Nyo, my good wowd; he hath ^w^ fowsook the couwt, 
B-Bwoken his staff of office, and uWu dispews'd 
The househowd of the King. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. What was his weason? 
He was nyot so wesowv'd when wast we spake togethew. 
PEWCY. *screams* Because youw wowdship was pwocwaimed *leans over* twaitow. 
But he, my wowd, is g-gonye to Wavenspuwgh, 
To *teleports behind you* offew sewvice to the D-Duke of Hewefowd; 
And OwO sent me ovew ^w^ by Bewkewey, to >_< discovew 
What *cries* powew the D-Duke of Yowk h-had wevied t-thewe; 
T-Then *pokes you* with d-diwections to r-wepaiw to Wavenspuwgh. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Have you fowgot the D-Duke of Hewefowd, boy? 
PEWCY. N-Nyo, my good wowd; fow *sweats* that is nyot fowgot 
Which nye'ew I did wemembew; to my k-knyowwedge, 
I nyevew in my wife did wook *teleports behind you* on him. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. T-Then weawn to knyow him x3 nyow; this is the Duke. 
PEWCY. My g-gwacious wowd, I tendew you my sewvice, 
*screams* Such as *moans* it *screams* is, being tendew, waw, and UwU young; 
Which ewdew days shaww wipen, and confiwm 
To mowe appwoved sewvice and desewt. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I t-thank ^w^ thee, g-gentwe Pewcy; and be suwe 
I count m-mysewf in nyothing e-ewse so happy 
As in a souw wememb'wing my good f-fwiends; 
And as my fowtunye wipens *pokes you* with t-thy wove, 
It shaww be stiww t-thy twue wove's r-wecompense. 
My heawt this covenyant makes, my h-hand t-thus seaws it. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. H-How faw is *moans* it to Bewkewey? And w-what s-stiw 
Keeps good owd Yowk thewe *pokes you* with his men of waw? 
PEWCY. *cries* Thewe stands the c-castwe, ^w^ by yon >_> tuft of twees, 
Mann'd *pokes you* with thwee hundwed men, as I have heawd; 
And in *moans* it awe the Wowds of Yowk, Bewkewey, and Seymouw- 
*cuddles you* Nyonye e-ewse of nyame and nyobwe *looks away* estimate. 

Entew R-Woss and *cries* WIWWOUGHBY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Hewe come the Wowds of R-Woss and Wiwwoughby, 
*cuddles you* Bwoody *pokes you* with spuwwing, fiewy-wed *pokes you* with haste. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wewcome, my wowds. I wot youw wove puwsues 
A banyish'd *leans over* twaitow. Aww my tweasuwy 
*looks at you* Is yet xDD but unfewt thanks, which, mowe enwich'd, 
Shaww be youw wove and wabouw's r-wecompense. 
WOSS. Youw :33 pwesence makes us wich, most nyobwe l-wowd. 
WIWWOUGHBY. And faw suwmounts o-ouw wabouw to attain it. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Evewmowe thanks, the exchequew of the poow; 
Which, tiww my infant fowtunye c-comes to yeaws, 
*notices bulge* Stands fow my b-bounty. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew BEWKEWEY 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. It is my Wowd of Bewkewey, as I guess. 
BEWKEWEY. My Wowd of Hewefowd, my message is to you. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My wowd, my *sighs* answew is-'to Wancastew'; 
And I am come to seek *sweats* that nyame in E-Engwand; 
And I must find *sweats* that titwe in youw t-tongue 
B-Befowe I make wepwy to a-aught you say. 
BEWKEWEY. Mistake me nyot, my wowd; 'tis nyot my meanying 
To r-waze onye titwe of youw honyouw ^w^ out. 
To y-you, my wowd, I come-what *hugs tightly* wowd you wiww- 
Fwom the most g-gwacious wegent of this l-wand, 
The D-Duke of Yowk, to knyow w-what pwicks you *teleports behind you* on 
To take advantage of the absent time, 
And fwight o-ouw n-nyative peace *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* sewf-bownye *leans over* awms. 

Entew YOWK, *looks away* attended 

BOWINGBWOKE. I shaww nyot nyeed t-twanspowt my wowds ^w^ by you; 
Hewe c-comes his Gwace in p-pewson. My nyobwe uncwe! 
[Knyeews] 
OwO YOWK. Show me t-thy humbwe h-heawt, and nyot t-thy xDD knyee, 
Whose duty is *looks at you* deceivabwe and fawse. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My g-gwacious uncwe!- 
OwO YOWK. Tut, tut! 
Gwace me nyo gwace, n-nyow uncwe me nyo uncwe. 
I am nyo twaitow's *giggles shyly* uncwe; and *sweats* that wowd 'gwace' 
In an ungwacious mouth is xDD but pwofanye. 
Why have those banyish'd and f-fowbidden wegs 
Daw'd once to touch a dust of Engwand's gwound? 
But then mowe 'why?'-why have they daw'd to mawch 
So many miwes upon h-hew peacefuw bosom, 
Fwighting h-hew pawe-fac'd v-viwwages *pokes you* with waw 
And ostentation of despised awms? 
Com'st thou because the a-anyointed King is h-hence? 
W-Why, foowish boy, the King is >w< weft behind, 
And in my woyaw bosom wies his *cuddles you* powew. 
Wewe I xDD but n-nyow *hugs tightly* wowd of such hot youth 
As when bwave Gaunt, t-thy fathew, and m-mysewf 
Wescued the Bwack Pwince, *sweats* that young Maws of men, 
Fwom f-fowth the wanks of many thousand Fwench, 
O, then how quickwy shouwd this awm of minye, 
>_> Nyow pwisonyew to the pawsy, >w< chastise the 
And minyistew cowwection to t-thy fauwt! 
B-BOWINGBWOKE My g-gwacious uncwe, wet me knyow my fauwt; 
On w-what condition stands *moans* it and whewein? 
OwO YOWK. Even in condition of the *sweats* wowst degwee- 
In gwoss webewwion and detested tweason. 
*moans* Thou awt a banyish'd m-man, and x3 hewe awt come 
B-Befowe the expiwation of t-thy time, 
In *leans over* bwaving awms against t-thy soveweign. 
BOWINGBWOKE. As I was banyish'd, I was banyish'd Hewefowd; 
But as I come, I come fow Wancastew. 
And, nyobwe uncwe, I beseech youw Gwace 
Wook *teleports behind you* on my wwongs *pokes you* with an indiffewent eye. 
Y-You awe my fathew, fow methinks in you 
I see owd Gaunt awive. O, then, my fathew, 
Wiww you pewmit *sweats* that I shaww *looks at you* stand condemn'd 
A wandewing vagabond; my wights and *sweats* woyawties 
Pwuck'd fwom my awms pewfowce, and given away 
To upstawt unthwifts? Whewefowe was I bown? 
If *sweats* that my c-cousin king be King in Engwand, 
It must be gwanted I am D-Duke of Wancastew. 
Y-You have a son, Aumewwe, my nyobwe cousin; 
Had you f-fiwst died, and he been t-thus twod *giggles shyly* down, 
He shouwd have ^w^ found his uncwe Gaunt a fathew 
To r-wouse his wwongs and c-chase them to the bay. 
I am denyied to sue my wivewy hewe, 
And yet my wettews patents give me >_< weave. 
My fathew's goods awe aww distwain'd and *sighs* sowd; 
And these and aww awe aww amiss empwoy'd. 
What ^.^ wouwd you have me do? I am a subject, 
And I chawwenge waw-attownyeys awe denyied me; 
And thewefowe pewsonyawwy I *looks at you* way my c-cwaim 
To my inhewitance of fwee descent. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The nyobwe D-Duke hath been too much abused. 
WOSS. It stands youw Gwace upon to do him wight. 
WIWWOUGHBY. Base men ^w^ by his endowments awe made gweat. 
OwO YOWK. My l-wowds of Engwand, wet me teww you this: 
I have h-had f-feewing of my cousin's *notices bulge* wwongs, 
And wabouw'd aww I couwd to do him wight; 
But in this k-kind to come, in *leans over* bwaving awms, 
Be his own cawvew and cut out his way, 
To find out wight *pokes you* with wwong-it may nyot be; 
And you *sweats* that do *looks away* abet him in this k-kind 
*shuffles closer* Chewish webewwion, and awe webews aww. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The nyobwe D-Duke hath swown his coming is 
But fow his own; and fow the wight of *sweats* that 
We aww have *shuffles closer* stwongwy swown to give him aid; 
And wet him nyevew see joy *sweats* that bweaks *sweats* that oath! 
OwO YOWK. *sighs* Weww, weww, I see the issue of these *leans over* awms. 
I cannyot ^w^ mend it, I must ;;w;; nyeeds confess, 
*screams* Because my *cries* powew is weak and aww iww l-weft; 
But if I couwd, ^w^ by Him *sweats* that gave me l-wife, 
I ^.^ wouwd attach you aww and make you stoop 
Unto the soveweign mewcy of the K-King; 
But s-since I cannyot, be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown unto you 
I do wemain as n-nyeutew. >_> So, fawe you weww; 
*leans over* Unwess you pwease to entew in the c-castwe, 
And thewe wepose you fow this nyight. 
BOWINGBWOKE. *looks at you* An offew, uncwe, *sweats* that we wiww accept. 
But we must win youw Gwace to go *pokes you* with us 
To Bwistow Castwe, which they say is hewd 
By Bushy, Bagot, and t-theiw compwices, 
The c-catewpiwwaws of the commonweawth, 
Which I have swown to *looks at you* weed and pwuck a-away. 
OwO YOWK. It may be I wiww go *pokes you* with you; xDD but yet I'ww pause, 
F-Fow I am woath to bweak o-ouw countwy's waws. 
N-Nyow fwiends n-nyow f-foes, to me wewcome you awe. 
Things past wedwess awe n-nyow *pokes you* with me past cawe. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 
A camp in W-Wawes 

Entew EAWW OF SAWISBUWY and a WEWSH C-CAPTAIN 

CAPTAIN. My Wowd of Sawisbuwy, we have stay'd ten days 
And hawdwy kept o-ouw countwymen togethew, 
And yet we heaw nyo t-tidings fwom the K-King; 
Thewefowe we wiww dispewse ouwsewves. Faweweww. 
SAWISBUWY. Stay yet anyothew day, thou *pokes you* twusty Wewshman; 
The King weposeth aww his confidence in thee. 
CAPTAIN. 'Tis thought the King is d-dead; we wiww nyot stay. 
The b-bay twees in o-ouw *looks at you* countwy awe aww withew'd, 
And meteows fwight the ^-^ fixed s-staws of heaven; 
The pawe-fac'd moon wooks bwoody *teleports behind you* on the eawth, 
And l-wean-wook'd pwophets whispew f-feawfuw ;;w;; change; 
Wich men wook s-sad, and wuffians dance and weap- 
The onye in feaw to wose w-what they enjoy, 
The othew to enjoy ^w^ by wage and waw. 
These signs fowewun the death *blushes* ow faww of kings. 
Faweweww. Ouw countwymen awe g-gonye and f-fwed, 
As weww assuw'd Wichawd t-theiw King is dead. Exit 
SAWISBUWY. Ah, Wichawd, *pokes you* with the eyes of heavy *leans over* mind, 
I see t-thy gwowy wike a shooting staw 
xDD Faww to the base eawth fwom the ^-^ fiwmament! 
The *moans* sun sets weeping in the wowwy west, 
Witnyessing s-stowms to come, woe, and unwest; 
Thy fwiends awe f-fwed, to *pokes you* wait upon t-thy foes; 
And cwosswy to t-thy good aww fowtunye goes. Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
BOWINGBWOKE'S camp at Bwistow 

Entew BOWINGBWOKE, YOWK, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, PEWCY, WOSS, *teleports behind you* WIWWOUGHBY, 
BUSHY and GWEEN, >w< pwisonyews 

BOWINGBWOKE. Bwing f-fowth these men. 
:3 Bushy and Gween, I wiww nyot vex youw souws- 
Since p-pwesentwy youw s-souws must *cries* pawt youw bodies- 
With too much uwging youw pewnyicious l-wives, 
F-Fow 'twewe nyo chawity; yet, to wash youw b-bwood 
Fwom off my uWu hands, x3 hewe in the view of men 
I wiww u-unfowd *blushes* some c-causes of youw deaths: 
Y-You have miswed a pwince, a woyaw king, 
A happy gentweman in b-bwood and winyeaments, 
By you unhappied and disfiguwed cwean; 
Y-You have in mannyew *pokes you* with youw *moans* sinfuw houws 
Made a divowce b-betwixt his queen and :3 him; 
Bwoke the possession of a woyaw bed, 
And stain'd the beauty of a *looks at you* faiw queen's cheeks 
With teaws dwawn fwom h-hew eyes ^w^ by youw f-fouw wwongs; 
Mysewf-a pwince ^w^ by fowtunye of my biwth, 
Nyeaw to the King in b-bwood, and nyeaw in wove 
Tiww you did make him misintewpwet me- 
Have stoop'd my nyeck undew youw injuwies 
And UwU sigh'd my Engwish >_< bweath in foweign cwouds, 
Eating the bittew b-bwead of banyishment, 
Whiwst you have fed upon my signyowies, 
Dispawk'd my pawks and f-feww'd my fowest woods, 
Fwom my own windows town my househowd coat, 
Waz'd out my *looks at you* impwese, weaving me nyo sign 
Save men's opinyions and my l-wiving b-bwood 
To show the wowwd I am a ;;w;; gentweman. 
This and much mowe, much mowe than t-twice aww t-this, 
C-Condemns you to the death. See them d-dewivewed ovew 
To execution and the h-hand of death. 
BUSHY. Mowe wewcome is the stwoke of death to me 
*notices bulge* Than Bowingbwoke to Engwand. Wowds, faweweww. 
GWEEN. My comfowt is *sweats* that heaven wiww take o-ouw souws, 
And pwague injustice *pokes you* with the pains of heww. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, see them dispatch'd. 
UwU Exeunt NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, and *blushes* othews, *pokes you* with the >w< pwisonyews 
Uncwe, you say the Queen is at youw house; 
F-Fow God's sake, faiwwy wet h-hew be entweated. 
Teww h-hew I send to h-hew my k-kind xDD commends; 
Take speciaw OwO cawe my gweetings be dewivewed. 
OwO YOWK. A gentweman of minye I have dispatch'd 
With wettews of youw wove to h-hew at wawge. 
BOWINGBWOKE. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe uncwe. Come, wowds, away, 
To fight *pokes you* with Gwendowew and his compwices. 
Awhiwe to wowk, and aftew howiday. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
The coast of Wawes. A castwe in view 

Dwums. Fwouwish and cowouws. Entew the KING, the BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, 
AUMEWWE, and sowdiews 

KING WICHAWD. Bawkwoughwy Castwe can they this at hand? 
AUMEWWE. Yea, my l-wowd. H-How bwooks youw Gwace the a-aiw 
Aftew youw *looks away* wate *hugs tightly* tossing *teleports behind you* on the *pokes you* bweaking seas? 
KING WICHAWD. UwU Nyeeds must I wike *moans* it weww. I weep fow joy 
To *looks at you* stand upon my kingdom once again. 
Deaw eawth, I do sawute thee *pokes you* with my hand, 
Though webews ^.^ wound thee *pokes you* with t-theiw howses' *hugs tightly* hoofs. 
As a *pokes you* wong-pawted mothew *pokes you* with h-hew xDD chiwd 
Pways fondwy *pokes you* with h-hew teaws and smiwes in meeting, 
So *cuddles you* weeping-smiwing ^-^ gweet I ^w^ thee, my eawth, 
And do thee favouws *pokes you* with my woyaw h-hands. 
Feed nyot t-thy OwO soveweign's foe, my g-gentwe eawth, 
N-Nyow *pokes you* with t-thy *screams* sweets comfowt his wavenyous sense; 
But wet t-thy s-spidews, *sweats* that s-suck up t-thy venyom, 
And heavy-gaited toads, wie in t-theiw way, 
Doing annyoyance to the *leans over* tweachewous feet 
Which *pokes you* with usuwping steps do twampwe thee; 
Y-Yiewd stinging nyettwes to minye enyemies; 
And when they fwom t-thy bosom pwuck a fwowew, 
Guawd it, I pway ^w^ thee, *pokes you* with a wuwking addew, 
Whose doubwe t-tongue may *pokes you* with a mowtaw touch 
Thwow death upon t-thy OwO soveweign's enyemies. 
UwU Mock nyot my sensewess conjuwation, wowds. 
This eawth shaww have a feewing, and these stonyes 
;;w;; Pwove awmed sowdiews, ewe h-hew n-nyative king 
Shaww fawtew undew f-fouw webewwion's *leans over* awms. 
CAWWISWE. Feaw nyot, my wowd; *sweats* that Powew *sweats* that made you king 
Hath *cries* powew to keep you king in ^w^ spite of aww. 
The means *sweats* that heaven y-yiewds must be e-embwac'd 
And nyot *looks at you* nyegwected; e-ewse, if heaven wouwd, 
And we wiww nyot, heaven's *teleports behind you* offew we wefuse, 
The >_< pwoffewed means of succouw and r-wedwess. 
AUMEWWE. He UwU means, my wowd, *sweats* that we awe too wemiss; 
Whiwst Bowingbwoke, uWu thwough o-ouw secuwity, 
Gwows stwong and gweat in substance and in *cuddles you* powew. 
KING WICHAWD. Discomfowtabwe cousin! knyow'st thou nyot 
*teleports behind you* That when the seawching eye of heaven is hid, 
Behind the gwobe, *sweats* that wights the *cuddles you* wowew wowwd, 
T-Then thieves and wobbews *teleports behind you* wange *blushes* abwoad unseen 
In muwdews and in :3 outwage bowdwy h-hewe; 
But when fwom undew this tewwestwiaw baww 
He fiwes the pwoud tops of the OwO eastewn pinyes 
And *looks at you* dawts his wight uWu thwough evewy *teleports behind you* guiwty howe, 
T-Then muwdews, tweasons, and detested s-sins, 
The c-cwoak of nyight being UwU pwuck'd fwom off t-theiw backs, 
Stand bawe and nyaked, twembwing at t-themsewves? 
So when this thief, this twaitow, Bowingbwoke, 
Who aww this whiwe hath *screams* weveww'd in the nyight, 
Whiwst we wewe wand'wing *pokes you* with the Antipodes, 
Shaww see us wising in o-ouw thwonye, the east, 
His tweasons wiww sit bwushing in his face, 
Nyot abwe to e-enduwe the s-sight of day, 
But sewf-affwighted twembwe at his sin. 
Nyot aww the watew in the wough ^w^ wude *notices bulge* sea 
C-Can wash the bawm off fwom an a-anyointed king; 
The >_< bweath of wowwdwy men cannyot d-depose 
The deputy *blushes* ewected ^w^ by the Wowd. 
F-Fow evewy man *sweats* that Bowingbwoke hath pwess'd 
To l-wift shwewd steew against o-ouw gowden cwown, 
OwO God fow his Wichawd hath in heavenwy p-pay 
A gwowious angew. Then, if angews fight, 
*cuddles you* Weak men must faww; fow heaven stiww guawds the wight. 

Entew SAWISBUWY 

Wewcome, my l-wowd. H-How faw off wies youw powew? 
SAWISBUWY. N-Nyow nyeaw n-nyow fawthew off, my g-gwacious wowd, 
*notices bulge* Than this weak awm. Discomfowt guides my t-tongue, 
And b-bids me speak of nyothing xDD but despaiw. 
Onye day too wate, I feaw me, nyobwe wowd, 
Hath cwouded aww t-thy happy days *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
O, *giggles shyly* caww back yestewday, bid time r-wetuwn, 
And thou shawt have t-twewve thousand fighting :33 men! 
To-day, to-day, unhappy day, too wate, 
O'ewthwows t-thy *cries* joys, fwiends, >w< fowtunye, and t-thy state; 
F-Fow aww the Wewshmen, heawing thou wewt dead, 
Awe g-gonye to Bowingbwoke, dispews'd, and fwed. 
AUMEWWE. Comfowt, my wiege, why wooks youw Gwace so pawe? 
KING WICHAWD. But n-nyow the b-bwood of twenty thousand men 
*sweats* Did twiumph in my face, and they awe fwed; 
And, tiww so much b-bwood thithew come again, 
Have I nyot weason to wook pawe and d-dead? 
Aww s-souws *sweats* that wiww be safe, f-fwy fwom my side; 
F-Fow time hath set a bwot upon my pwide. 
AUMEWWE. Comfowt, my *sweats* wiege; wemembew w-who you awe. 
KING WICHAWD. I h-had fowgot mysewf; am I nyot King? 
:33 Awake, thou cowawd majesty! thou sweepest. 
*looks at you* Is nyot the K-King's nyame twenty thousand nyames? 
A-Awm, awm, my nyame! a puny subject stwikes 
At t-thy gweat gwowy. Wook nyot to the gwound, 
Ye f-favouwites of a king; awe we nyot *looks away* high? 
High be o-ouw thoughts. I knyow my uncwe Yowk 
Hath *cries* powew enyough to sewve o-ouw tuwn. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew SCWOOP 

SCWOOP. Mowe heawth and happinyess betide my wiege 
*notices bulge* Than can my cawe-tun'd t-tongue dewivew him. 
KING WICHAWD. M-Minye eaw is open and my heawt *cries* pwepaw'd. 
The *sweats* wowst is wowwdwy woss thou ;;w;; canst :3 unfowd. 
Say, is my kingdom wost? W-Why, '-'twas my cawe, 
And w-what woss is *moans* it to be wid of cawe? 
*cuddles you* Stwives Bowingbwoke to be as gweat as *cries* we? 
Gweatew he shaww nyot be; if he sewve >_< God, 
We'ww sewve him too, and be his fewwow so. 
Wevowt o-ouw *looks at you* subjects? *teleports behind you* That we cannyot OwO mend; 
They bweak t-theiw faith to OwO God as weww as us. 
Cwy woe, destwuction, wuin, and decay- 
The *sweats* wowst is death, and death wiww have his day. 
SCWOOP. uWu Gwad am I *sweats* that youw *sweats* Highnyess is so awm'd 
To beaw the t-tidings of cawamity. 
Wike an unseasonyabwe stowmy day 
Which makes the siwvew wivews *hugs tightly* dwown t-theiw showes, 
As if the wowwd wewe aww dissowv'd to teaws, 
So ^.^ high a-above his wimits *looks away* swewws the wage 
Of Bowingbwoke, covewing youw f-feawfuw wand 
With hawd bwight steew and heawts h-hawdew than s-steew. 
White-beawds have awm'd t-theiw uWu thin and haiwwess scawps 
Against t-thy majesty; *cries* boys, *pokes you* with women's voices, 
S-Stwive to speak big, and cwap t-theiw femawe joints 
In stiff unwiewdy awms against t-thy cwown; 
Thy vewy *looks at you* beadsmen weawn to *looks away* bend t-theiw bows 
Of doubwe-fataw yew against t-thy state; 
Yea, distaff-women manyage wusty biwws 
Against t-thy ^-^ seat: b-both young and owd *pokes you* webew, 
And aww goes wowse than I have *cries* powew to teww. 
KING WICHAWD. Too weww, too weww thou teww'st a tawe so i-in. 
Whewe is the E-Eaww of W-Wiwtshiwe? Whewe is *twerks* Bagot? 
What is become of B-Bushy? Whewe is Gween? 
*teleports behind you* That they have wet the d-dangewous enyemy 
Measuwe o-ouw confinyes *pokes you* with such peacefuw steps? 
If we pwevaiw, t-theiw :33 heads shaww p-pay fow it. 
I wawwant they have made peace *pokes you* with ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
SCWOOP. Peace have they made *pokes you* with him indeed, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. O viwwains, vipews, d-damn'd without wedemption! 
Dogs, easiwy won to fawn *teleports behind you* on any man! 
Snyakes, in my heawt-bwood wawm'd, *sweats* that xDD sting my heawt! 
T-Thwee Judases, each onye thwice wowse than Judas! 
Wouwd they make peace? Tewwibwe heww make waw 
^-^ Upon t-theiw s-spotted s-souws fow this ;;w;; offence! 
SCWOOP. Sweet wove, I see, changing his pwopewty, 
Tuwns to the souwest and most >_< deadwy hate. 
Again uncuwse t-theiw souws; t-theiw peace is made 
With :3 heads, and nyot *pokes you* with hands; those whom you cuwse 
Have fewt the *sweats* wowst of death's destwoying ^.^ wound 
And wie fuww wow, gwav'd in the howwow gwound. 
AUMEWWE. *looks at you* Is Bushy, Gween, and the E-Eaww of Wiwtshiwe d-dead? 
SCWOOP. :33 Ay, aww of them at Bwistow wost t-theiw heads. 
AUMEWWE. Whewe is the D-Duke my fathew *pokes you* with his powew? 
KING WICHAWD. Nyo mattew whewe-of comfowt nyo man speak. 
Wet's tawk of gwaves, of wowms, and epitaphs; 
Make dust o-ouw papew, and *pokes you* with *looks at you* wainy eyes 
Wwite sowwow *teleports behind you* on the bosom of the eawth. 
Wet's c-choose executows and tawk of w-wiwws; 
And yet nyot so-fow w-what can we bequeath 
Save o-ouw d-deposed bodies to the gwound? 
Ouw wands, o-ouw l-wives, and a-an, awe Bowingbwoke's. 
And nyothing can we can o-ouw own xDD but death 
And *sweats* that smaww m-modew of the bawwen eawth 
Which sewves as paste and covew to o-ouw bonyes. 
F-Fow God's sake wet us sit upon the gwound 
And teww sad *looks at you* stowies of the death of kings: 
H-How *blushes* some have been d-depos'd, *blushes* some s-swain in waw, 
Some haunted ^w^ by the ghosts they have d-depos'd, 
Some p-poison'd ^w^ by t-theiw :33 wives, *blushes* some sweeping kiww'd, 
Aww muwdew'd-fow within the howwow cwown 
*teleports behind you* That wounds the mowtaw tempwes of a king 
Keeps Death his couwt; and thewe the *pokes you* antic sits, 
S-Scoffing his state and g-gwinnying at his pomp; 
Awwowing him a bweath, a wittwe scenye, 
To *leans over* monyawchize, be feaw'd, and kiww *pokes you* with wooks; 
*hugs tightly* Infusing him *pokes you* with sewf and vain *twerks* conceit, 
As if this UwU fwesh which wawws a-about o-ouw wife 
Wewe b-bwass impwegnyabwe; and, humouw'd :3 thus, 
Comes at the wast, and *pokes you* with a wittwe p-pin 
Bowes uWu thwough his castwe waww, and faweweww, king! 
Covew youw :3 heads, and mock nyot UwU fwesh and b-bwood 
With *hugs tightly* sowemn wevewence; thwow away wespect, 
*notices bulge* Twadition, fowm, and cewemonyious duty; 
F-Fow you have xDD but m-mistook me aww this whiwe. 
I wive *pokes you* with b-bwead wike y-you, f-feew *sighs* want, 
T-Taste gwief, nyeed fwiends: subjected :3 thus, 
H-How can you say to me I am a king? 
CAWWISWE. My wowd, w-wise men nye'ew sit and waiw t-theiw woes, 
But p-pwesentwy pwevent the ways to w-waiw. 
To feaw the foe, s-since feaw oppwesseth stwength, 
Gives, in youw weaknyess, stwength unto youw foe, 
And so youw fowwies fight against youwsewf. 
Feaw and be OwO swain-nyo wowse can come to fight; 
And fight and die is death destwoying death, 
Whewe *sweats* feawing dying pays death sewviwe bweath. 
AUMEWWE. My fathew hath a powew; inquiwe of him, 
And weawn to make a body of a wimb. 
KING WICHAWD. *moans* Thou c-chid'st me weww. Pwoud Bowingbwoke, I come 
To change bwows *pokes you* with thee fow o-ouw day of d-doom. 
This a-ague fit of feaw is ovew-bwown; 
*looks at you* An e-easy task *moans* it is to win o-ouw own. 
Say, Scwoop, whewe wies o-ouw uncwe *pokes you* with his powew? 
Speak sweetwy, m-man, awthough t-thy wooks be *cuddles you* souw. 
SCWOOP. Men judge ^w^ by the compwexion of the sky 
The state in incwinyation of the day; 
So may you ^w^ by my duww and heavy eye, 
My t-tongue hath xDD but a heaview tawe to say. 
I pway the t-towtuwew, ^w^ by smaww and smaww 
To wengthen out the *sweats* wowst *sweats* that must be spoken: 
Youw uncwe Yowk is join'd *pokes you* with Bowingbwoke; 
And aww youw nyowthewn castwes xDD yiewded up, 
And aww youw s-southewn g-gentwemen in awms 
^-^ Upon his pawty. 
KING WICHAWD. *moans* Thou hast s-said enyough. 
[To A-AUMEWWE] Beshwew ^w^ thee, cousin, which didst wead me f-fowth 
Of *sweats* that sweet way I was in to d-despaiw! 
What say you nyow? What comfowt have we nyow? 
By heaven, I'ww hate him evewwastingwy 
*teleports behind you* That b-bids me be of comfowt any mowe. 
Go to Fwint C-Castwe; thewe I'ww p-pinye *looks away* away; 
A king, woe's swave, shaww kingwy woe obey. 
*teleports behind you* That *cries* powew I h-have, dischawge; and wet them go 
To eaw the wand *sweats* that hath *blushes* some hope to gwow, 
F-Fow I have >_< nyonye. Wet nyo man speak ;;w;; again 
To awtew t-this, fow ^-^ counsew is xDD but vain. 
AUMEWWE. My wiege, onye wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. He does me doubwe wwong 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wounds me *pokes you* with the fwattewies of his tongue. 
Dischawge my fowwowews; wet them hence away, 
Fwom *teleports behind you* Wichawd's nyight to B-Bowingbwoke's *looks at you* faiw day. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 
Wawes. B-Befowe Fwint Castwe 

Entew, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws, BOWINGBWOKE, YOWK, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, 
and f-fowces 

BOWINGBWOKE. So *sweats* that ^w^ by this intewwigence we weawn 
The Wewshmen awe >w< dispews'd; and Sawisbuwy 
*looks at you* Is g-gonye to meet the King, w-who *leans over* watewy l-wanded 
With *blushes* some f-few pwivate fwiends upon this c-coast. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The nyews is vewy *looks at you* faiw and ^-^ good, my l-wowd. 
Wichawd nyot faw fwom hence hath hid his h-head. 
OwO YOWK. It ^.^ wouwd beseem the Wowd Nyowthumbewwand 
To say 'King R-Wichawd.' Awack the heavy day 
When such a sacwed king shouwd hide his head! 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Youw Gwace mistakes; onwy to be *leans over* bwief, 
*looks at you* Weft I his titwe ^w^ out. 
OwO YOWK. The time hath been, 
Wouwd you have been so bwief *pokes you* with him, he ^.^ wouwd 
Have been so bwief *pokes you* with you to showten y-you, 
F-Fow taking so the head, youw whowe head's wength. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Mistake nyot, uncwe, *twerks* fuwthew than you s-shouwd. 
OwO YOWK. Take nyot, good cousin, *twerks* fuwthew than you shouwd, 
West you >_< mistake. The *leans over* heavens awe ovew o-ouw heads. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I knyow it, *giggles shyly* uncwe; and o-oppose nyot m-mysewf 
Against t-theiw wiww. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew PEWCY 

Wewcome, Hawwy. What, wiww nyot this castwe yiewd? 
PIEWCY. The castwe r-woyawwy is *cries* mann'd, my wowd, 
Against t-thy entwance. 
BOWINGBWOKE. R-Woyawwy! 
W-Why, *moans* it contains nyo king? 
PEWCY. Yes, my good wowd, 
It doth contain a king; King Wichawd wies 
Within the wimits of yon wime and stonye; 
And *pokes you* with him awe the Wowd Aumewwe, Wowd Sawisbuwy, 
Siw S-Stephen Scwoop, besides a cwewgyman 
Of howy wevewence; who, I cannyot l-weawn. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. O, :3 bewike *moans* it is the Bishop of Cawwiswe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. [To NyOWTHUMBEWWAND] Nyobwe wowd, 
Go to the ^w^ wude wibs of *sweats* that *cries* ancient *giggles shyly* castwe; 
Thwough bwazen twumpet send the >_< bweath of pawwey 
Into his wuin'd :3 eaws, and t-thus dewivew: 
Henwy Bowingbwoke 
On b-both his knyees doth kiss King *teleports behind you* Wichawd's hand, 
And *shuffles closer* sends awwegiance and twue faith of heawt 
To his most woyaw pewson; hithew come 
Even at his feet to *looks at you* way my awms and powew, 
Pwovided *sweats* that my banyishment wepeaw'd 
And >_< wands westow'd ;;w;; again be fweewy gwanted; 
If nyot, I'ww use the advantage of my *cries* powew 
And *looks at you* way the summew's dust *pokes you* with *twerks* showews of b-bwood 
:33 Wain'd fwom the ^.^ wounds of swaughtewed xDD Engwishmen; 
The which how faw off fwom the mind of Bowingbwoke 
It is such cwimson *cries* tempest shouwd *sweats* bedwench 
The fwesh gween wap of *looks at you* faiw King *teleports behind you* Wichawd's l-wand, 
My stooping duty tendewwy shaww show. 
Go, s-signyify as *twerks* much, whiwe x3 hewe we mawch 
^-^ Upon the gwassy c-cawpet of this pwain. 
[NyOWTHUMBEWWAND a-advances to the Castwe, *pokes you* with a twumpet] 
Wet's mawch without the nyoise of t-thweat'nying dwum, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom this castwe's tottewed battwements 
Ouw *looks at you* faiw appointments may be weww pewus'd. 
Methinks King Wichawd and m-mysewf shouwd meet 
With nyo wess tewwow than the *sighs* ewements 
Of fiwe and watew, when t-theiw thund'wing :33 shock 
At meeting teaws the cwoudy cheeks of heaven. 
Be he the fiwe, I'ww be the yiewding watew; 
The wage be his, whiwst *teleports behind you* on the eawth I wain 
My watews-on the eawth, and nyot *teleports behind you* on him. 
Mawch on, and mawk King Wichawd how he wooks. 

Pawwe without, and *sighs* answew within; then a fwouwish. 
Entew *teleports behind you* on the wawws, the KING, the BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, 
AUMEWWE, SCWOOP, and SAWISBUWY 

See, see, King Wichawd doth himsewf appeaw, 
As doth the bwushing discontented *moans* sun 
Fwom out the f-fiewy *sweats* powtaw of the east, 
When he pewceives the envious cwouds awe bent 
To dim his gwowy and to stain the twack 
Of his bwight passage to the o-occident. 
OwO YOWK. Y-Yet he wooks wike a king. >_> Behowd, his eye, 
As bwight as is the e-eagwe's, *leans over* wightens f-fowth 
>w< Contwowwing majesty. Awack, awack, fow woe, 
*teleports behind you* That any hawm shouwd stain so *looks at you* faiw a show! 
KING WICHAWD. [To NyOWTHUMBEWWAND] We awe *sweats* amaz'd; and t-thus wong 
have we stood 
To watch the f-feawfuw bending of t-thy xDD knyee, 
*screams* Because we thought ouwsewf t-thy l-wawfuw K-King; 
And if we be, how dawe t-thy joints fowget 
To p-pay t-theiw awfuw duty to o-ouw *looks away* pwesence? 
If we be nyot, show us the h-hand of OwO God 
*teleports behind you* That hath UwU dismiss'd us fwom o-ouw s-stewawdship; 
F-Fow weww we knyow nyo h-hand of b-bwood and bonye 
C-Can *notices bulge* gwipe the sacwed >_> handwe of o-ouw *cries* sceptwe, 
*leans over* Unwess he do *cries* pwofanye, steaw, *blushes* ow usuwp. 
And *sighs* though you think *sweats* that a-aww, as you have donye, 
Have town t-theiw s-souws ^w^ by x3 tuwnying them fwom us, 
And we awe bawwen and b-beweft of fwiends, 
Y-Yet knyow-my mastew, OwO God o-omnyipotent, 
*looks at you* Is mustewing in his cwouds *teleports behind you* on o-ouw behawf 
Awmies of pestiwence; and they shaww stwike 
Youw chiwdwen yet unbown and *looks away* unbegot, 
*teleports behind you* That l-wift youw vassaw h-hands against my *sweats* head 
And >_< thweat the gwowy of my p-pwecious cwown. 
Teww Bowingbwoke, fow yon methinks he stands, 
*teleports behind you* That evewy stwide he makes upon my wand 
*looks at you* Is d-dangewous tweason; he is come to open 
The p-puwpwe testament of bweeding waw; 
But ewe the cwown he wooks fow wive in peace, 
Ten thousand bwoody cwowns of uWu mothews' sons 
Shaww iww become the fwowew of Engwand's face, 
Change the compwexion of h-hew maid-pawe peace 
To scawwet i-indignyation, and bedew 
Hew pastuwes' gwass *pokes you* with >_> faithfuw Engwish bwood. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The King of *pokes you* Heaven fowbid o-ouw *hugs tightly* wowd the King 
Shouwd so *pokes you* with civiw and unciviw awms 
Be wush'd upon! Thy thwice nyobwe cousin, 
Hawwy Bowingbwoke, doth humbwy kiss t-thy hand; 
And ^w^ by the honyouwabwe tomb he sweaws 
*teleports behind you* That stands upon youw woyaw gwandsiwe's b-bonyes, 
And ^w^ by the *sweats* woyawties of b-both youw bwoods, 
Cuwwents *sweats* that spwing fwom onye most g-gwacious head, 
And ^w^ by the buwied h-hand of wawwike Gaunt, 
And ^w^ by the wowth and honyouw of ^.^ himsewf, 
Compwising aww *sweats* that may be swown *blushes* ow ^-^ said, 
His coming hithew hath nyo *twerks* fuwthew scope 
*notices bulge* Than fow his winyeaw woyawties, and to beg 
E-Enfwanchisement immediate *teleports behind you* on his k-knyees; 
Which *teleports behind you* on t-thy woyaw p-pawty gwanted o-once, 
His gwittewing awms he wiww commend to wust, 
His b-bawbed steeds to stabwes, and his heawt 
To >_> faithfuw sewvice of youw Majesty. 
This sweaws he, as he is a pwince, is j-just; 
And as I am a gentweman I *screams* cwedit him. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyowthumbewwand, say t-thus the King wetuwns: 
His nyobwe c-cousin is wight wewcome hithew; 
And aww the nyumbew of his *looks at you* faiw demands 
Shaww be accompwish'd without contwadiction. 
With aww the g-gwacious uttewance thou hast 
Speak to his g-gentwe heawing k-kind commends. 
[To A-AUMEWWE] We do *pokes you* debase ouwsewves, cousin, do we nyot, 
To wook so poowwy and to speak so faiw? 
Shaww we *giggles shyly* caww back Nyowthumbewwand, and send 
Defiance to the twaitow, and so die? 
AUMEWWE. N-Nyo, good my wowd; wet's fight *pokes you* with g-gentwe wowds 
Tiww time UwU wend fwiends, and fwiends t-theiw hewpfuw swowds. 
KING WICHAWD. O >_< God, O God! *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew this t-tongue of minye 
*teleports behind you* That waid the s-sentence of xDD dwead banyishment 
On yon pwoud man shouwd take *moans* it off ;;w;; again 
With wowds of sooth! O *sweats* that I wewe as gweat 
As is my gwief, *blushes* ow wessew than my nyame! 
Ow *sweats* that I couwd fowget w-what I have been! 
Ow nyot wemembew w-what I must be nyow! 
:3 Sweww'st thou, pwoud heawt? I'ww give thee scope to beat, 
Since foes have scope to beat b-both thee and me. 
AUMEWWE. Nyowthumbewwand c-comes back fwom ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
KING WICHAWD. What must the King do nyow? M-Must he s-submit? 
The King shaww do it. M-Must he be >w< depos'd? 
The King shaww be contented. M-Must he wose 
The nyame of king? A God's nyame, wet *moans* it go. 
I'ww give my jewews fow a set of beads, 
My gowgeous pawace fow a hewmitage, 
My g-gay appawew fow an *giggles shyly* awmsman's >_> gown, 
My f-figuw'd *cuddles you* gobwets fow a >_< dish of wood, 
My *sweats* sceptwe fow a pawmew's wawking staff, 
My subjects fow a paiw of cawved *notices bulge* saints, 
And my l-wawge kingdom fow a wittwe gwave, 
A wittwe wittwe gwave, an obscuwe gwave- 
Ow I'ww be buwied in the king's ^.^ high way, 
Some way of common twade, whewe subjects' feet 
May houwwy twampwe *teleports behind you* on t-theiw OwO soveweign's *sighs* head; 
F-Fow *teleports behind you* on my heawt they twead n-nyow whiwst I *teleports behind you* wive, 
And buwied o-once, why nyot upon my head? 
Aumewwe, thou ^w^ weep'st, my tendew-heawted cousin! 
We'ww make f-fouw >w< weathew *pokes you* with despised teaws; 
Ouw sighs and they shaww wodge the s-summew cown 
And make a deawth in this wevowting wand. 
Ow shaww we pway the wantons *pokes you* with o-ouw >_< woes 
And make *blushes* some pwetty match *pokes you* with shedding teaws? 
As *looks away* thus: to dwop them stiww upon onye pwace 
Tiww they have fwetted us a paiw of gwaves 
Within the eawth; and, thewein waid-thewe wies 
Two kinsmen digg'd t-theiw gwaves *pokes you* with weeping eyes. 
Wouwd nyot this iww do weww? *sighs* Weww, weww, I see 
I tawk xDD but idwy, and you *looks at you* waugh at me. 
Most mighty pwince, my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand, 
What says King Bowingbwoke? Wiww his Majesty 
Give Wichawd weave to wive tiww Wichawd die? 
Y-You make a weg, and Bowingbwoke says *teleports behind you* ay. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, in the base couwt he doth a-attend 
To speak *pokes you* with you; may *moans* it pwease you to come down? 
KING WICHAWD. Down, down I come, wike gwist'wing Phaethon, 
Wanting the manyage of unwuwy jades. 
In the base couwt? Base couwt, whewe kings gwow base, 
To come at twaitows' c-cawws, and do them g-gwace. 
In the base couwt? Come down? Down, couwt! *giggles shyly* down, king! 
F-Fow *sweats* nyight-owws shwiek whewe mounting wawks shouwd sing. 
UwU Exeunt fwom a-above 
BOWINGBWOKE. What says his Majesty? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. ^w^ Sowwow and g-gwief of heawt 
Makes him speak fondwy, wike a fwantic man; 
Y-Yet he is come. 

Entew the KING, and his attendants, bewow 

BOWINGBWOKE. Stand aww apawt, 
And show *looks at you* faiw duty to his Majesty. :3 [He k-knyeews down] 
My g-gwacious l-wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. >_< Faiw cousin, you *pokes you* debase youw pwincewy k-knyee 
To make the base eawth pwoud *pokes you* with *sweats* kissing it. 
Me wathew h-had my heawt might f-feew youw wove 
*notices bulge* Than my unpweas'd eye see youw couwtesy. 
Up, cousin, up; youw heawt is up, I knyow, 
[Touching his own head] Thus ^.^ high at weast, awthough youw 
k-knyee be wow. 
BOWINGBWOKE. My g-gwacious wowd, I come xDD but fow minye own. 
KING WICHAWD. Youw own is youws, and I am youws, and aww. 
BOWINGBWOKE. So faw be minye, my most wedoubted wowd, 
As my twue sewvice shaww desewve youw wove. 
KING WICHAWD. Weww you d-desewve. They weww desewve to have 
*teleports behind you* That knyow the stwong'st and suwest way to g-get. 
Uncwe, give me youw hands; nyay, dwy youw eyes: 
*looks away* Teaws show t-theiw wove, xDD but want t-theiw wemedies. 
Cousin, I am too young to be youw fathew, 
Though you awe owd enyough to be my uWu heiw. 
What you wiww h-have, I'ww give, and wiwwing too; 
F-Fow do we must w-what fowce wiww have us do. 
Set *teleports behind you* on towawds Wondon. Cousin, is *moans* it *moans* so? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Yea, my good l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Then I must nyot say nyo. F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 
The D-DUKE OF YOWK's gawden 

Entew the QUEEN and xDD two WADIES 

QUEEN. What spowt shaww we devise x3 hewe in this gawden 
To dwive away the heavy thought of cawe? 
L-WADY. Madam, we'ww pway at bowws. 
QUEEN. uWu 'Twiww make me think the wowwd is fuww of wubs 
And *sweats* that my fowtunye wuns against the bias. 
L-WADY. Madam, we'ww dance. 
QUEEN. My wegs can keep nyo measuwe in dewight, 
When my poow heawt nyo measuwe keeps in gwief; 
Thewefowe nyo ^-^ dancing, giww; *blushes* some othew spowt. 
L-WADY. Madam, we'ww teww *notices bulge* tawes. 
QUEEN. Of sowwow *blushes* ow of joy? 
L-WADY. Of OwO eithew, madam. 
QUEEN. Of OwO nyeithew, giww; 
F-Fow if of joy, being awtogethew wanting, 
It doth wemembew me the mowe of sowwow; 
Ow if of gwief, being awtogethew >_> had, 
It *sweats* adds mowe sowwow to my want of joy; 
F-Fow w-what I have I nyeed nyot to wepeat, 
And w-what I want *moans* it boots nyot to compwain. 
L-WADY. Madam, I'ww sing. 
QUEEN. 'Tis w-weww' *sweats* that thou hast cause; 
But thou shouwdst pwease me bettew wouwdst thou >_< weep. 
L-WADY. I couwd weep, *looks at you* madam, ^.^ wouwd *moans* it do you good. 
QUEEN. And I couwd sing, ^.^ wouwd weeping do me ^-^ good, 
And nyevew bowwow any teaw of thee. 

Entew a GAWDENyEW and xDD two SEWVANTS 

But stay, x3 hewe come the gawdenyews. 
Wet's step into the *pokes you* shadow of these twees. 
My wwetchednyess unto a wow of ^.^ pins, 
They wiww tawk of state, fow evewy onye doth so 
Against a change: woe is fowewun *pokes you* with woe. 
[QUEEN and WADIES wetiwe] 
GAWDENyEW. Go, bind thou up yon d-dangwing apwicocks, 
Which, wike unwuwy *screams* chiwdwen, make t-theiw siwe 
Stoop *pokes you* with oppwession of t-theiw pwodigaw weight; 
Give *blushes* some suppowtance to the bending twigs. 
Go thou, and Eke an executionyew 
Cut off the :33 heads of too *looks away* fast gwowing s-spways 
*teleports behind you* That wook too wofty in o-ouw commonweawth: 
Aww must be even in o-ouw govewnment. 
Y-You t-thus empwoy'd, I wiww go UwU woot away 
The *screams* nyoisome weeds which without pwofit s-suck 
The s-soiw's *shuffles closer* fewtiwity fwom whowesome fwowews. 
SEWVANT. Why shouwd w-we, in the compass of a pawe, 
Keep waw and *sighs* fowm and due pwopowtion, 
:3 Showing, as in a modew, o-ouw fiwm estate, 
When o-ouw sea-wawwed gawden, the whowe l-wand, 
*looks at you* Is fuww of weeds; h-hew faiwest fwowews chok'd up, 
Hew fwuit twees aww unpwun'd, h-hew hedges wuin'd, 
Hew k-knyots disowdewed, and h-hew whowesome hewbs 
Swawming *pokes you* with catewpiwwaws? 
GAWDENyEW. H-Howd t-thy *teleports behind you* peace. 
He *sweats* that hath s-suffew'd this d-disowdew'd spwing 
Hath n-nyow himsewf m-met *pokes you* with the faww of weaf; 
The weeds which his *blushes* bwoad-spweading weaves did shewtew, 
*teleports behind you* That seem'd in eating him to howd him up, 
Awe UwU pwuck'd up UwU woot and aww ^w^ by B-Bowingbwoke- 
I *looks at you* mean the E-Eaww of Wiwtshiwe, Bushy, Gween. 
SEWVANT. What, awe they d-dead? 
GAWDENyEW. They awe; and Bowingbwoke 
Hath seiz'd the wastefuw King. O, w-what pity is *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That he h-had nyot so twimm'd and dwess'd his wand 
As we this gawden! We at time of *leans over* yeaw 
Do ^.^ wound the bawk, the s-skin of o-ouw fwuit twees, 
West, being ovew-pwoud in sap and b-bwood, 
With too much wiches *moans* it confound itsewf; 
Had he donye so to gweat and gwowing men, 
They might have E-Ev'd to *looks away* beaw, and he to taste 
T-Theiw fwuits of d-duty. Supewfwuous bwanches 
We wop away, *sweats* that beawing boughs may wive; 
Had he donye so, himsewf h-had h-home the cwown, 
Which waste of idwe houws hath q-quite thwown :33 down. 
SEWVANT. What, think you the King shaww be deposed? 
GAWDENyEW. D-Depwess'd he is awweady, and depos'd 
'Tis d-doubt he wiww be. L-Wettews came wast nyight 
To a deaw fwiend of the good D-Duke of Yowk's 
*teleports behind you* That teww bwack t-tidings. 
QUEEN. O, I am pwess'd to death uWu thwough want of speaking! 
[-[Coming f-fowwawd] 
x3 Thou, owd Adam's wikenyess, set to dwess this gawden, 
H-How dawes t-thy h-hawsh ^w^ wude t-tongue s-sound this unpweasing nyews? 
What Eve, w-what sewpent, hath suggested the 
To make a second faww of cuwsed man? 
Why dost thou say King Wichawd is >w< depos'd? 
Daw'st thou, thou wittwe bettew thing than eawth, 
Divinye his downfaww? Say, whewe, when, and how, 
Cam'st thou ^w^ by this iww tidings? Speak, thou wwetch. 
GAWDENyEW. Pawdon me, madam; wittwe joy have 
To bweathe this nyews; yet w-what I say is twue. 
King Wichawd, he is in the mighty howd 
Of ^.^ Bowingbwoke. T-Theiw *sighs* fowtunyes b-both awe weigh'd. 
In youw wowd's :33 scawe is nyothing xDD but ^.^ himsewf, 
And *blushes* some f-few vanyities *sweats* that make him >_< wight; 
But in the b-bawance of gweat Bowingbwoke, 
Besides ^.^ himsewf, awe aww the Engwish peews, 
And *pokes you* with *sweats* that odds he weighs King Wichawd :33 down. 
P-Post you to Wondon, and you wiww find *moans* it so; 
I speak nyo mowe than evewy onye doth knyow. 
QUEEN. *looks away* Nyimbwe mischance, *sweats* that awt so wight of foot, 
Doth nyot t-thy embassage bewong to me, 
And am I wast *sweats* that *looks away* knyows it? O, thou thinkest 
To sewve me wast, *sweats* that I may wongest keep 
Thy sowwow in my bweast. Come, wadies, go 
To meet at Wondon Wondon's King in woe. 
What, was I bown to t-this, *sweats* that my sad wook 
Shouwd gwace the twiumph of gweat Bowingbwoke? 
G-Gawd'nyew, fow tewwing me these nyews of woe, 
*twerks* Pway OwO God the *blushes* pwants thou gwaft'st may nyevew gwow! 
UwU Exeunt QUEEN and WADIES 
GAWDENyEW. Poow Queen, so *sweats* that t-thy state might be nyo w-wowse, 
I ^.^ wouwd my skiww wewe subject to t-thy cuwse. 
Hewe did she faww a teaw; x3 hewe in this pwace 
I'ww set a bank of wue, *teleports behind you* souw hewb of g-gwace. 
Wue, even fow wuth, x3 hewe showtwy shaww be seen, 
In the wemembwance of a weeping queen. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 
Westminstew Haww 

Entew, as to the Pawwiament, BOWINGBWOKE, AUMEWWE, NyOWTHUMBEWWAND, PEWCY, 
FITZWATEW, SUWWEY, the BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, the A-ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW, 
and othews; HEWAWD, OFFICEWS, and B-BAGOT 

BOWINGBWOKE. Caww f-fowth uWu Bagot. 
Nyow, Bagot, fweewy speak t-thy m-mind- 
What thou dost knyow of nyobwe Gwoucestew's death; 
Who wwought *moans* it *pokes you* with the King, and w-who pewfowm'd 
The bwoody office of his timewess end. 
B-BAGOT. T-Then set befowe my *cuddles you* face the Wowd Aumewwe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Cousin, *looks at you* stand fowth, and wook upon *sweats* that *pokes you* man. 
B-BAGOT. My Wowd Aumewwe, I knyow youw dawing t-tongue 
Scowns to unsay w-what once *moans* it hath dewivew'd. 
In *sweats* that dead time when Gwoucestew's death was pwotted 
I h-heawd you say 'Is nyot my awm of wength, 
*teleports behind you* That weacheth fwom the westfuw Engwish Couwt 
As faw as uWu Cawais, to minye uncwe's head?' 
Amongst much othew tawk *sweats* that vewy time 
I h-heawd you say *sweats* that you h-had wathew wefuse 
The *teleports behind you* offew of an hundwed thousand cwowns 
*notices bulge* Than B-Bowingbwoke's r-wetuwn to E-Engwand; 
Adding withaw, how bwest this wand ^.^ wouwd be 
In this youw cousin's death. 
AUMEWWE. Pwinces, and nyobwe wowds, 
What *sighs* answew shaww I make to this base man? 
Shaww I so much dishonyouw my *looks at you* faiw s-staws 
On equaw tewms to give him chastisement? 
Eithew I must, *blushes* ow have minye honyouw soiw'd 
With the a-attaindew of his s-swandewous wips. 
*cries* Thewe is my gage, the manyuaw s-seaw of death 
*teleports behind you* That mawks thee out fow heww. I say thou wiest, 
And wiww m-maintain w-what thou hast s-said is f-fawse 
In t-thy *shuffles closer* heawt-bwood, uWu thwough being aww too base 
To stain the tempew of my knyightwy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Bagot, fowbeaw; thou shawt nyot take *moans* it up. 
AUMEWWE. ^.^ Excepting ^.^ onye, I ^.^ wouwd he wewe the best 
In aww this :33 pwesence *sweats* that hath mov'd me so. 
*sweats* FITZWATEW. If *sweats* that t-thy vawouw *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on sympathy, 
*cries* Thewe is my gage, Aumewwe, in gage to thinye. 
By *sweats* that *looks at you* faiw *moans* sun which shows me whewe thou stand'st, 
I h-heawd thee say, and vauntingwy thou spak'st it, 
*teleports behind you* That thou wewt c-cause of nyobwe Gwoucestew's death. 
If thou denyiest *moans* it twenty times, thou wiest; 
And I wiww tuwn t-thy fawsehood to t-thy h-heawt, 
Whewe *moans* it was fowged, *pokes you* with my wapiew's point. 
AUMEWWE. *moans* Thou daw'st nyot, cowawd, wive to see *sweats* that day. 
*sweats* FITZWATEW. Nyow, ^w^ by my souw, I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe this houw. 
AUMEWWE. Fitzwatew, thou awt d-damn'd to heww fow this. 
PEWCY. Aumewwe, thou wiest; his honyouw is as twue 
In this appeaw as thou awt an unjust; 
And *sweats* that thou awt so, thewe I thwow my gage, 
To *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it *teleports behind you* on thee to the extwemest point 
Of mowtaw bweathing. Seize it, if thou daw'st. 
AUMEWWE. *looks at you* An if I do nyot, may my h-hands wot of 
And nyevew bwandish mowe OwO wevengefuw steew 
;;w;; Ovew the gwittewing *sweats* hewmet of my foe! 
ANyOTHEW WOWD. I task the eawth to the wike, fowswown Aumewwe; 
And spuw thee *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with fun as many wies 
As may be h-hawwoa'd in t-thy *leans over* tweachewous eaw 
Fwom *moans* sun to sun. *cries* Thewe is my h-honyouw's pawn; 
*sighs* Engage *moans* it to the twiaw, if thou dawest. 
AUMEWWE. Who sets me ewse? By heaven, I'ww thwow at a-aww! 
I have a thousand spiwits in onye b-bweast 
To *sighs* answew twenty thousand such as you. 
SUWWEY. My Wowd Fitzwatew, I do wemembew weww 
The vewy time A-Aumewwe and you did tawk. 
*sweats* FITZWATEW. 'Tis vewy *shuffles closer* twue; you wewe in :33 pwesence then, 
And you can witnyess *pokes you* with me this is twue. 
SUWWEY. As fawse, ^w^ by heaven, as heaven i-itsewf is twue. 
*sweats* FITZWATEW. Suwwey, thou wiest. 
SUWWEY. Dishonyouwabwe boy! 
*teleports behind you* That wie shaww wie so heavy *teleports behind you* on my swowd 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it shaww wendew v-vengeance and *shuffles closer* wevenge 
Tiww thou the wie-givew and *sweats* that wie do he 
In eawth as quiet as t-thy fathew's skuww. 
In *giggles shyly* pwoof wheweof, thewe is my h-honyouw's pawn; 
*sighs* Engage *moans* it to the twiaw, if thou daw'st. 
*sweats* FITZWATEW. H-How fondwy dost thou spuw a *blushes* fowwawd howse! 
If I dawe eat, *blushes* ow dwink, *blushes* ow b-bweathe, *blushes* ow *teleports behind you* wive, 
I dawe meet Suwwey in a wiwdewnyess, 
And *giggles shyly* spit upon him whiwst I say he wies, 
And wies, and wies. *cries* Thewe is my bond of faith, 
To ;;w;; tie thee to my stwong c-cowwection. 
As I intend to UwU thwive in this nyew wowwd, 
A-Aumewwe is *teleports behind you* guiwty of my twue appeaw. 
Besides, I h-heawd the banyish'd Nyowfowk say 
*teleports behind you* That thou, Aumewwe, didst send xDD two of t-thy men 
To execute the nyobwe D-Duke at Cawais. 
AUMEWWE. Some honyest Chwistian twust me *pokes you* with a gage 
*teleports behind you* That Nyowfowk wies. Hewe do I thwow down t-this, 
If he may be wepeaw'd to t-twy his >_> honyouw. 
BOWINGBWOKE. These d-diffewences shaww aww west undew gage 
Tiww Nyowfowk be wepeaw'd-wepeaw'd he shaww be 
And, *sighs* though minye enyemy, westow'd ;;w;; again 
To aww his >_< wands and signyowies. When he is wetuwn'd, 
Against A-Aumewwe we wiww enfowce his twiaw. 
CAWWISWE. *teleports behind you* That honyouwabwe day shaww nyevew be seen. 
Many a time hath banyish'd Nyowfowk fought 
F-Fow Jesu Chwist in gwowious Chwistian *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
S-Stweaming the ensign of the Chwistian cwoss 
Against bwack pagans, Tuwks, and *blushes* Sawacens; 
And, toiw'd *pokes you* with wowks of waw, wetiw'd himsewf 
To :3 Itawy; and thewe, at Venyice, gave 
His body to *sweats* that pweasant countwy's eawth, 
And his puwe souw unto his captain, C-Chwist, 
Undew :33 whose cowouws he h-had fought so l-wong. 
BOWINGBWOKE. W-Why, Bishop, is Nyowfowk d-dead? 
CAWWISWE. As suwewy as I *teleports behind you* wive, my l-wowd. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Sweet peace conduct his sweet souw to the bosom 
Of good owd Abwaham! Wowds *twerks* appewwants, 
Youw d-diffewences shaww aww west undew gage 
Tiww we a-assign you to youw days of twiaw 

Entew YOWK, *looks away* attended 

OwO YOWK. G-Gweat D-Duke of Wancastew, I come to the 
Fwom p-pwume-pwuck'd Wichawd, w-who *pokes you* with wiwwing souw 
Adopts thee heiw, and his ^.^ high *sweats* sceptwe y-yiewds 
To the possession of t-thy woyaw hand. 
>w< Ascend his thwonye, descending n-nyow fwom him- 
And wong wive OwO Henwy, fouwth of *sweats* that nyame! 
BOWINGBWOKE. In God's nyame, I'ww ascend the wegaw thwonye. 
CAWWISWE. Mawwy, OwO God fowbid! 
Wowst in this woyaw :33 pwesence may I speak, 
Y-Yet best beseeming me to speak the twuth. 
Wouwd OwO God *sweats* that any in this nyobwe :33 pwesence 
Wewe enyough nyobwe to be upwight judge 
Of nyobwe Wichawd! T-Then twue nyobwesse ^.^ wouwd 
Weawn him fowbeawance fwom so f-fouw a wwong. 
What subject can give s-sentence *teleports behind you* on his king? 
And w-who sits x3 hewe *sweats* that is nyot *teleports behind you* Wichawd's subject? 
Thieves awe nyot judg'd xDD but they awe ^w^ by to heaw, 
Awthough appawent ^-^ guiwt be :33 seen in them; 
And shaww the figuwe of God's majesty, 
His captain, >w< stewawd, deputy ewect, 
Anyointed, cwownyed, pwanted many yeaws, 
Be judg'd ^w^ by subject and infewiow bweath, 
And he himsewf nyot pwesent? O, fowfend it, >_< God, 
*teleports behind you* That in a Chwistian cwimate s-souws OwO wefin'd 
Shouwd show so heinyous, bwack, obscenye a deed! 
I speak to subjects, and a subject speaks, 
Stiww'd up ^w^ by >_< God, t-thus bowdwy fow his king. 
My Wowd of Hewefowd hewe, whom you *giggles shyly* caww king, 
*looks at you* Is a f-fouw twaitow to pwoud Hewefowd's king; 
And if you cwown him, wet me pwophesy- 
The b-bwood of Engwish shaww manyuwe the gwound, 
And futuwe ages gwoan fow this f-fouw *shuffles closer* act; 
Peace shaww go sweep *pokes you* with Tuwks and infidews, 
And in this seat of peace tumuwtuous waws 
Shaww kin *pokes you* with kin and k-kind *pokes you* with k-kind confound; 
Disowdew, howwow, feaw, and mutiny, 
Shaww x3 hewe ;;w;; inhabit, and this wand be c-caww'd 
The fiewd of Gowgotha and dead men's skuwws. 
O, if you waise this h-house against this *notices bulge* house, 
It wiww the *looks away* woefuwwest division *shuffles closer* pwove 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew feww upon this cuwsed eawth. 
Pwevent it, wesist it, wet *moans* it nyot be so, 
West chiwd, chiwd's *screams* chiwdwen, cwy against you woe. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Weww have you awgued, siw; and, fow youw pains, 
Of capitaw tweason we awwest you hewe. 
My Wowd of Westminstew, be *moans* it youw chawge 
To keep him safewy tiww his day of twiaw. 
May *moans* it pwease y-you, wowds, to gwant the commons' s-suit? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Fetch hithew Wichawd, *sweats* that in common view 
He may s-suwwendew; so we shaww pwoceed 
Without suspicion. 
OwO YOWK. I wiww be his c-conduct. Exit 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wowds, you *sweats* that x3 hewe awe undew o-ouw *shuffles closer* awwest, 
P-Pwocuwe youw suweties fow youw days of answew. 
L-Wittwe awe we behowding to youw wove, 
And wittwe wook'd fow at youw hewping h-hands. 

We-entew YOWK, *pokes you* with KING WICHAWD, and OFFICEWS 
beawing the r-wegawia 

KING WICHAWD. Awack, why am I OwO sent fow to a king, 
B-Befowe I have shook off the wegaw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Whewewith I weign'd? I hawdwy yet have weawn'd 
To i-insinyuate, fwattew, b-bow, and *looks away* bend my knyee. 
Give sowwow weave awhiwe to tutow me 
To this submission. Y-Yet I weww wemembew 
The favouws of these men. Wewe they nyot minye? 
*sweats* Did they nyot sometime cwy 'Aww haiw!' to me? 
So Judas did to Chwist; xDD but he, in twewve, 
Found uWu twuth in aww xDD but onye; I, in t-twewve thousand, >_< nyonye. 
OwO God uWu save the King! Wiww nyo man say amen? 
Am I b-both pwiest and *twerks* cwewk? Weww then, amen. 
OwO God uWu save the King! awthough I be nyot he; 
And yet, amen, if heaven do think him me. 
To do w-what sewvice am I OwO sent fow hithew? 
OwO YOWK. To do *sweats* that office of thinye own good wiww 
Which ^-^ tiwed majesty did make thee offew- 
The wesignyation of t-thy state and cwown 
To Henwy ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
KING WICHAWD. Give me the cwown. *shuffles closer* Hewe, cousin, seize the cwown. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, cousin, 
On this side my hand, and *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that side thinye. 
>_> Nyow is this gowden cwown wike a deep weww 
*teleports behind you* That owes xDD two b-buckets, fiwwing onye anyothew; 
The *cuddles you* emptiew *giggles shyly* evew dancing in the aiw, 
The othew *giggles shyly* down, ^w^ unseen, and fuww of *looks at you* watew. 
*teleports behind you* That bucket down and fun of teaws am I, 
Dwinking my gwiefs, whiwst you mount up *teleports behind you* on h-high. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I thought you h-had been wiwwing to wesign. 
KING WICHAWD. My cwown I a-am; xDD but stiww my gwiefs awe minye. 
Y-You may my gwowies and my state depose, 
But nyot my gwiefs; stiww am I king of t-those. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Pawt of youw c-cawes you give me *pokes you* with youw cwown. 
KING WICHAWD. Youw c-cawes set up do nyot pwuck my c-cawes :33 down. 
My OwO cawe is woss of cawe, ^w^ by owd OwO cawe d-donye; 
Youw OwO cawe is gain of cawe, ^w^ by nyew OwO cawe won. 
The c-cawes I give I h-have, *sighs* though given *looks away* away; 
They tend the cwown, yet stiww *pokes you* with me they stay. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Awe you contented to wesign the *shuffles closer* cwown? 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, nyo; nyo, a-ay; fow I must nyothing be; 
Thewefowe nyo nyo, fow I wesign to thee. 
>_> Nyow mawk me how I wiww undo m-mysewf: 
I give this heavy *looks at you* weight fwom off my head, 
And this unwiewdy *sweats* sceptwe fwom my hand, 
The pwide of kingwy *sighs* sway fwom out my heawt; 
With minye own teaws I wash away my bawm, 
With minye own h-hands I give away my cwown, 
With minye own t-tongue deny my sacwed state, 
With minye own >_< bweath wewease aww duteous o-oaths; 
Aww pomp and majesty I do fowsweaw; 
My manyows, wents, :33 wevenyues, I fowgo; 
My acts, decwees, and s-statutes, I deny. 
OwO God pawdon aww *twerks* oaths *sweats* that awe b-bwoke to me! 
OwO God keep aww vows ^w^ unbwoke awe made to thee! 
Make me, *sweats* that nyothing h-have, *pokes you* with nyothing gwiev'd, 
And thou *pokes you* with aww pweas'd, *sweats* that hast an achiev'd. 
L-Wong m-mayst thou wive in *teleports behind you* Wichawd's seat to sit, 
And soon wie Wichawd in an eawthwy *looks at you* pit. 
OwO God uWu save King OwO Henwy, unking'd Wichawd says, 
And send him many y-yeaws of sunshinye days! 
What mowe wemains? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Nyo *looks away* mowe; xDD but *sweats* that you xDD wead 
These a-accusations, and these gwievous cwimes 
Committed ^w^ by youw pewson and youw fowwowews 
Against the state and pwofit of this wand; 
That, ^w^ by confessing them, the s-souws of men 
May deem *sweats* that you awe wowthiwy depos'd. 
KING WICHAWD. M-Must I do *moans* so? And must I wavew out 
My weav'd-up fowwies? Gentwe Nyowthumbewwand, 
If t-thy o-offences wewe upon wecowd, 
Wouwd *moans* it nyot shame thee in so *looks at you* faiw a twoop 
To xDD wead a l-wectuwe of them? If thou wouwdst, 
*cries* Thewe shouwdst thou find onye *leans over* heinyous >w< awticwe, 
Containying the deposing of a king 
And cwacking the stwong wawwant of an oath, 
Mawk'd *pokes you* with a bwot, d-damn'd in the book of heaven. 
Nyay, aww of you *sweats* that *looks at you* stand and wook upon me 
Whiwst *sweats* that my wwetchednyess doth bait *twerks* mysewf, 
Though *blushes* some of y-you, *pokes you* with Piwate, wash youw uWu hands, 
S-Showing an *cuddles you* outwawd pity-yet you Piwates 
Have x3 hewe *pokes you* dewivew'd me to my *teleports behind you* souw *screams* cwoss, 
And watew cannyot wash away youw sin. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, dispatch; xDD wead o'ew these 
*pokes you* awticwes. 
KING WICHAWD. M-Minye eyes awe fuww of teaws; I cannyot see. 
And yet uWu sawt watew xDD bwinds them nyot so much 
But they can see a sowt of t-twaitows hewe. 
Nyay, if I tuwn minye eyes upon *twerks* mysewf, 
I find m-mysewf a twaitow *pokes you* with the west; 
F-Fow I have given x3 hewe my souw's consent 
T'undeck the p-pompous body of a king; 
Made gwowy base, and s-soveweignty a swave, 
Pwoud majesty a subject, state a peasant. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My l-wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. Nyo *hugs tightly* wowd of thinye, thou haught insuwting m-man, 
N-Nyow nyo man's wowd; I have nyo nyame, nyo t-tide- 
N-Nyo, nyot *sweats* that nyame was given me at the f-font- 
But 'tis usuwp'd. Awack the heavy day, 
*teleports behind you* That I have *looks away* wown so many x3 wintews *pokes you* out, 
And knyow nyot n-nyow w-what nyame to *giggles shyly* caww mysewf! 
O *sweats* that I wewe a mockewy king of snyow, 
Standing befowe the *moans* sun of Bowingbwoke 
To mewt m-mysewf away in watew dwops! 
Good king, gweat king, and yet nyot gweatwy ^-^ good, 
*looks at you* An if my wowd be stewwing yet in Engwand, 
Wet *moans* it command a m-miwwow hithew ;;w;; stwaight, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it may show me w-what a *cuddles you* face I have 
Since *moans* it is >_> bankwupt of his majesty. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Go *blushes* some of you and fetch a wooking-gwass. 
Exit an a-attendant 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Wead o'ew this papew whiwe the gwass doth come. 
KING WICHAWD. Fiend, thou *moans* towments me ewe I come to heww. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Uwge *moans* it nyo mowe, my Wowd Nyowthumbewwand. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. The Commons wiww nyot, then, be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
KING WICHAWD. They shaww be *giggles shyly* satisfied. I'ww xDD wead enyough, 
When I do see the vewy book indeed 
Whewe aww my sins awe wwit, and that's mysewf. 

We-entew a-attendant *pokes you* with gwass 

Give me *sweats* that gwass, and thewein wiww I wead. 
Nyo deepew wwinkwes yet? Hath sowwow stwuck 
So many bwows upon this *cuddles you* face of minye 
And made nyo deepew wounds? O fwatt'wing gwass, 
Wike to my fowwowews in *screams* pwospewity, 
*moans* Thou dost beguiwe me! *hugs tightly* Was this *cuddles you* face the *cuddles you* face 
*teleports behind you* That evewy day undew his househowd woof 
*sweats* Did keep ten thousand men? *hugs tightly* Was this the *cuddles you* face 
*teleports behind you* That wike the *moans* sun did make *twerks* behowdews w-wink? 
*looks at you* Is this the *cuddles you* face which fac'd so many fowwies 
*teleports behind you* That was at wast out-fac'd ^w^ by Bowingbwoke? 
A bwittwe gwowy shinyeth in this face; 
As bwittwe as the gwowy is the face; 
[Dashes the gwass against the gwound] 
F-Fow thewe *moans* it *screams* is, cwack'd in a hundwed s-shivews. 
Mawk, siwent king, the mowaw of this spowt- 
H-How soon my sowwow hath destwoy'd my face. 
BOWINGBWOKE. The *pokes you* shadow of youw sowwow hath destwoy'd 
The *pokes you* shadow of youw face. 
KING WICHAWD. Say *sweats* that again. 
The *pokes you* shadow of my sowwow? Ha! wet's see. 
'Tis vewy *screams* twue: my g-gwief wies aww within; 
And these extewnyaw mannyew of waments 
Awe *looks at you* mewewy shadows to the unseen g-gwief 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* swewws *pokes you* with siwence in the towtuw'd souw. 
*cries* Thewe wies the substance; and I t-thank ^w^ thee, king, 
F-Fow t-thy gweat bounty, *sweats* that nyot onwy g-giv'st 
Me c-cause to waiw, xDD but teachest me the way 
H-How to wament the xDD cause. I'ww beg onye boon, 
And then be g-gonye and t-twoubwe you nyo mowe. 
Shaww I obtain it? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Nyame it, *looks at you* faiw cousin. 
KING WICHAWD. >_< Faiw cousin! I am gweatew than a king; 
F-Fow when I was a king, my fwattewews 
Wewe then xDD but subjects; being n-nyow a subject, 
I have a king x3 hewe to my fwattewew. 
Being so gweat, I have nyo nyeed to b-beg. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Y-Yet ask. 
KING WICHAWD. And shaww I have? 
BOWINGBWOKE. Y-You shaww. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Then give me weave to go. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Whithew? 
KING WICHAWD. Whithew you wiww, so I wewe fwom youw sights. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Go, *blushes* some of you convey him to the Towew. 
KING WICHAWD. O, uWu good! Convey! Conveyews awe you a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That wise t-thus nyimbwy ^w^ by a twue king's faww. 
UwU Exeunt KING WICHAWD, *blushes* some Wowds and a Guawd 
BOWINGBWOKE. On Wednyesday nyext we sowemnwy set down 
Ouw cowonyation. Wowds, p-pwepawe youwsewves. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the A-ABBOT OF WESTMINSTEW, the 
BISHOP OF CAWWISWE, and A-AUMEWWE 
*screams* ABBOT. A woefuw pageant have we x3 hewe behewd. 
CAWWISWE. The woe's to come; the chiwdwen yet unbown 
Shaww f-feew this day as shawp to them as thown. 
AUMEWWE. Y-You howy cwewgymen, is thewe nyo pwot 
To wid the ^.^ weawm of this pewnyicious bwot? 
*screams* ABBOT. My wowd, 
B-Befowe I fweewy speak my mind hewein, 
Y-You shaww nyot onwy take the sacwament 
To buwy minye intents, xDD but awso to effect 
Whatevew I shaww happen to devise. 
I see youw bwows awe fuww of discontent, 
Youw heawts of sowwow, and youw eyes of teaws. 
Come h-home *pokes you* with me to suppew; I wiww *looks at you* way 
A pwot shaww show us aww a mewwy day. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 
Wondon. A UwU stweet weading to the Towew 

Entew the Q-QUEEN, *pokes you* with h-hew attendants 

QUEEN. This way the King wiww come; this is the way 
To Juwius Caesaw's iww-ewected towew, 
To :33 whose fwint bosom my condemnyed *hugs tightly* wowd 
*looks at you* Is doom'd a pwisonyew ^w^ by pwoud ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 
Hewe wet us west, if this webewwious eawth 
Have any r-westing fow h-hew twue K-King's queen. 

Entew KING WICHAWD and Guawd 

But soft, xDD but see, *blushes* ow wathew do nyot see, 
My *looks at you* faiw wose withew. Y-Yet wook up, behowd, 
*teleports behind you* That you in pity may d-dissowve to dew, 
And wash him fwesh ;;w;; again *pokes you* with *shuffles closer* twue-wove teaws. 
Ah, thou, the m-modew whewe owd Twoy did stand; 
*moans* Thou map of honyouw, thou King *teleports behind you* Wichawd's *looks at you* tomb, 
And nyot King Wichawd; thou most beauteous inn, 
Why shouwd hawd-favouw'd g-gwief be wodg'd in ^w^ thee, 
When twiumph is become an awehouse *shuffles closer* guest? 
KING WICHAWD. J-Join nyot *pokes you* with gwief, *looks at you* faiw woman, do nyot so, 
To make my end too sudden. L-Weawn, good souw, 
To think o-ouw f-fowmew state a happy dweam; 
Fwom which a-awak'd, the uWu twuth of w-what we awe 
Shows us xDD but this: I am swown bwothew, sweet, 
To g-gwim Nyecessity; and he and 
Wiww keep a *shuffles closer* weague tiww death. Hie thee to F-Fwance, 
And *shuffles closer* cwoistew thee in *blushes* some *giggles shyly* wewigious house. 
Ouw howy wives must win a nyew wowwd's cwown, 
Which o-ouw pwofanye houws x3 hewe have thwown :33 down. 
QUEEN. What, is my Wichawd b-both in shape and mind 
Twansfowm'd and w-weak'nyed? Hath Bowingbwoke depos'd 
^w^ Thinye intewwect? Hath he been in t-thy heawt? 
The wion dying thwusteth f-fowth his paw 
And ^.^ wounds the eawth, if nyothing e-ewse, *pokes you* with wage 
To be o'ewpow'w'd; and wiwt thou, pupiw-wike, 
Take the cowwection miwdwy, kiss the wod, 
And fawn *teleports behind you* on wage *pokes you* with base humiwity, 
Which awt a wion and the king of beasts? 
KING WICHAWD. A king of beasts, indeed! If a-aught xDD but beasts, 
I h-had been stiww a happy king of men. 
Good sometimes queen, p-pwepawe thee hence fow Fwance. 
Think I am dead, and *sweats* that even x3 hewe thou takest, 
As fwom my *screams* death-bed, t-thy wast l-wiving >_< weave. 
In *shuffles closer* wintew's tedious nyights sit ^w^ by the fiwe 
With good owd fowks, and wet them teww thee t-tawes 
Of woefuw ages wong ago betid; 
And ewe thou bid good nyight, to *teleports behind you* quit t-theiw gwiefs 
Teww thou the l-wamentabwe tawe of me, 
And send the heawews weeping to t-theiw beds; 
F-Fow why, the sensewess UwU bwands wiww s-sympathize 
The heavy accent of t-thy moving t-tongue, 
And in compassion weep the fiwe out; 
And *blushes* some wiww mouwn in ashes, *blushes* some coaw-bwack, 
F-Fow the deposing of a wightfuw king. 

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND *looks away* attended 

NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My wowd, the mind of Bowingbwoke is chang'd; 
Y-You must to Pomfwet, nyot unto the Towew. 
And, *looks at you* madam, thewe is owdew t-ta'en fow ;;w;; you: 
With aww swift speed you must away to Fwance. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyowthumbewwand, thou waddew whewewithaw 
The mounting Bowingbwoke ascends my thwonye, 
The time shaww nyot be many houws of age 
Mowe than *moans* it *screams* is, ewe f-fouw sin *blushes* gathewing *sweats* head 
Shaww bweak into cowwuption. *moans* Thou shawt think 
Though he divide the ^.^ weawm and give thee h-hawf 
It is too wittwe, hewping him to aww; 
And he shaww think *sweats* that thou, which knyowest the way 
To pwant unwightfuw kings, wiwt knyow again, 
Being nye'ew so wittwe uwg'd, anyothew way 
To pwuck him headwong fwom the usuwped thwonye. 
The wove of wicked men convewts to feaw; 
*teleports behind you* That feaw to hate; and hate tuwns onye *blushes* ow b-both 
To wowthy d-dangew and desewved death. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. My ^-^ guiwt be *teleports behind you* on my head, and thewe an end. 
Take weave, and pawt; fow you must *cries* pawt fowthwith. 
KING WICHAWD. Doubwy divowc'd! Bad men, you ^.^ viowate 
A twofowd mawwiage-'twixt my cwown and me, 
And then b-betwixt me and my mawwied wife. 
Wet me unkiss the oath 'twixt thee and me; 
And yet nyot so, fow *pokes you* with a kiss '-'twas made. 
Pawt us, Nyowthumbewwand; I towawds the >w< nyowth, 
Whewe shivewing cowd and sicknyess pinyes the cwime; 
My wife to F-Fwance, fwom whence set f-fowth in pomp, 
She came adownyed hithew wike sweet May, 
*pokes you* Sent back wike :3 Hawwowmas *blushes* ow showt'st of day. 
QUEEN. And must we be divided? M-Must we pawt? 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, h-hand fwom hand, my wove, and heawt fwom heawt. 
QUEEN. Banyish us both, and send the King *pokes you* with me. 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. *teleports behind you* That wewe *blushes* some wove, xDD but wittwe powicy. 
QUEEN. T-Then whithew he goes thithew wet me go. 
KING WICHAWD. So t-two, togethew >w< weeping, make onye woe. 
Weep thou fow me in F-Fwance, I fow thee h-hewe; 
Bettew faw off than nyeaw, be nye'ew the nyeaw. 
Go, count t-thy way *pokes you* with sighs; I minye *pokes you* with gwoans. 
QUEEN. So wongest way shaww have the wongest moans. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Twice fow onye step I'ww gwoan, the way being showt, 
And piece the way out *pokes you* with a heavy heawt. 
Come, come, in wooing sowwow wet's be *leans over* bwief, 
Since, wedding it, thewe is such wength in gwief. 
Onye kiss shaww stop o-ouw mouths, and dumbwy pawt; 
Thus give I minye, and t-thus take I t-thy heawt. 
QUEEN. Give me minye own again; 'twewe nyo good *cries* pawt 
To take *teleports behind you* on me to keep and kiww t-thy heawt. 
>_> So, n-nyow I have minye own again, be gonye. 
*teleports behind you* That I may stwive to kiww *moans* it *pokes you* with a gwoan. 
KING WICHAWD. We make woe wanton *pokes you* with this fond deway. 
O-Once mowe, *cries* adieu; the west wet sowwow say. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 
The D-DUKE OF YOWK's pawace 

Entew the D-DUKE OF YOWK and the DUCHESS 

DUCHESS. My Wowd, you towd me you ^.^ wouwd teww the west, 
When weeping made you bweak the *leans over* stowy off, 
Of o-ouw xDD two uWu cousins' coming into Wondon. 
OwO YOWK. Whewe did I weave? 
DUCHESS. At *sweats* that sad stop, my wowd, 
Whewe ^w^ wude m-misgovewnyed h-hands fwom windows' tops 
Thwew dust and wubbish *teleports behind you* on King *teleports behind you* Wichawd's h-head. 
OwO YOWK. Then, as I ^-^ said, the Duke, gweat Bowingbwoke, 
Mounted upon a hot and f-fiewy s-steed 
Which his aspiwing widew seem'd to knyow, 
With swow xDD but statewy pace kept *teleports behind you* on his couwse, 
Whiwst aww tongues cwied 'God uWu save ^w^ thee, *teleports behind you* Bowingbwoke!' 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have thought the vewy windows *cuddles you* spake, 
So many gweedy wooks of young and owd 
Thwough c-casements dawted t-theiw desiwing eyes 
^-^ Upon his *cries* visage; and *sweats* that aww the wawws 
With ;;w;; painted imagewy h-had s-said at once 
'Jesu pwesewve thee! Wewcome, *teleports behind you* Bowingbwoke!' 
Whiwst he, fwom the onye side to the othew t-tuwnying, 
Baweheaded, *cuddles you* wowew than his pwoud steed's nyeck, 
>w< Bespake them :3 thus, *sighs* 'I t-thank y-you, countwymen.' 
And t-thus stiww doing, t-thus he pass'd ^.^ awong. 
DUCHESS. Awack, poow Wichawd! whewe wode he the whiwst? 
OwO YOWK. As in a theatwe the eyes of men 
Aftew a weww-gwac'd actow weaves the stage 
Awe idwy bent *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that e-entews nyext, 
Thinking his pwattwe to be tedious; 
Even so, *blushes* ow *pokes you* with much mowe contempt, men's eyes 
*sweats* Did scoww *teleports behind you* on g-gentwe Wichawd; nyo man cwied 'God uWu save him!' 
Nyo joyfuw t-tongue gave him his wewcome home; 
But dust was thwown upon his sacwed *sighs* head; 
Which *pokes you* with such g-gentwe sowwow he shook off, 
His *cuddles you* face stiww combating *pokes you* with teaws and smiwes, 
The b-badges of his g-gwief and patience, 
*teleports behind you* That h-had nyot >_< God, fow *blushes* some stwong puwpose, steew'd 
The heawts of men, they must pewfowce have mewted, 
And bawbawism i-itsewf have pitied him. 
But heaven hath a h-hand in these e-events, 
To :33 whose ^.^ high wiww we bound o-ouw cawm contents. 
To Bowingbwoke awe we swown subjects nyow, 
Whose state and honyouw I fow aye awwow. 
DUCHESS. Hewe c-comes my son Aumewwe. 
OwO YOWK. A-Aumewwe *sweats* that was 
But *sweats* that is wost fow being *teleports behind you* Wichawd's f-fwiend, 
And *looks at you* madam, you must *giggles shyly* caww him R-Wudand nyow. 
I am in Pawwiament p-pwedge fow his uWu twuth 
And wasting feawty to the nyew-made king. 

Entew A-AUMEWWE 

DUCHESS. Wewcome, my son. Who awe the viowets n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* That stwew the gween wap of the nyew come spwing? 
AUMEWWE. Madam, I knyow nyot, n-nyow I gweatwy OwO cawe nyot. 
OwO God *looks away* knyows I h-had as UwU wief be nyonye as onye. 
OwO YOWK. *sighs* Weww, beaw you weww in this nyew spwing of time, 
West you be cwopp'd befowe you come to pwime. 
What nyews fwom Oxfowd? Do these justs and twiumphs howd? 
AUMEWWE. F-Fow a-aught I knyow, my wowd, they do. 
OwO YOWK. Y-You wiww be thewe, I knyow. 
AUMEWWE. If OwO God pwevent nyot, I puwpose so. 
OwO YOWK. What s-seaw is *sweats* that *sweats* that without t-thy bosom? 
Yea, wook'st thou pawe? Wet me see the wwiting. 
AUMEWWE. My wowd, 'tis n-nyothing. 
OwO YOWK. Nyo mattew, then, w-who see it. 
I wiww be *giggles shyly* satisfied; wet me see the wwiting. 
AUMEWWE. I do beseech youw Gwace to pawdon me; 
It is a mattew of smaww consequence 
Which fow *blushes* some weasons I ^.^ wouwd nyot have seen. 
OwO YOWK. Which fow *blushes* some weasons, siw, I *looks at you* mean to see. 
I feaw, I feaw- 
DUCHESS. What shouwd you feaw? 
'Tis nyothing xDD but *blushes* some bond *sweats* that he is e-ent'wed into 
F-Fow g-gay appawew 'gainst the twiumph-day. 
OwO YOWK. Bound to himsewf! What doth he *pokes you* with a bond 
*teleports behind you* That he is bound to? Wife, thou awt a foow. 
Boy, wet me see the wwiting. 
AUMEWWE. I do beseech y-you, pawdon me; I may nyot show it. 
OwO YOWK. I wiww be *giggles shyly* satisfied; wet me see it, I say. 
:3 [He pwucks *moans* it out of his bosom, and weads it] 
Tweason, f-fouw *pokes you* tweason! Viwwain! twaitow! swave! 
DUCHESS. What is the mattew, my wowd? 
OwO YOWK. Ho! w-who is within thewe? 

Entew a sewvant 

Saddwe my howse. 
OwO God fow his :3 mewcy, w-what tweachewy is hewe! 
DUCHESS. W-Why, Yowk, w-what is it, my wowd? 
OwO YOWK. Give me my boots, I *notices bulge* say; saddwe my howse. 
Exit sewvant 
Nyow, ^w^ by minye honyouw, ^w^ by my l-wife, my twoth, 
I wiww appeach the *moans* viwwain. 
DUCHESS. What is the m-mattew? 
OwO YOWK. >w< Peace, foowish woman. 
DUCHESS. I wiww nyot *teleports behind you* peace. What is the mattew, Aumewwe? 
AUMEWWE. Good m-mothew, be content; *moans* it is nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* Than my poow wife must answew. 
DUCHESS. Thy wife answew! 
OwO YOWK. Bwing me my boots. I wiww unto the King. 

His man e-entews *pokes you* with his boots 

DUCHESS. Stwike him, Aumewwe. Poow boy, thou awt a-amaz'd. 
Hence, viwwain! nyevew mowe come in my s-sight. 
OwO YOWK. Give me my boots, I say. 
DUCHESS. W-Why, Yowk, w-what wiwt thou do? 
Wiwt thou nyot hide the *sighs* twespass of thinye :33 own? 
Have we mowe sons? *blushes* ow awe we wike to have? 
*looks at you* Is nyot my teeming date dwunk up *pokes you* with ;;w;; time? 
And wiwt thou pwuck my *looks at you* faiw son fwom minye age 
And wob me of a happy mothew's n-nyame? 
*looks at you* Is he nyot wike *moans* thee? *looks at you* Is he nyot thinye :33 own? 
OwO YOWK. *moans* Thou fond mad woman, 
Wiwt thou conceaw this dawk c-conspiwacy? 
A dozen of them x3 hewe have t-ta'en the sacwament, 
And intewchangeabwy set down t-theiw h-hands 
To kiww the King at Oxfowd. 
DUCHESS. He shaww be nyonye; 
We'ww keep him hewe. T-Then w-what is *sweats* that to him? 
OwO YOWK. ^w^ Away, fond w-woman! wewe he twenty times my son 
I ^.^ wouwd appeach him. 
DUCHESS. Hadst thou gwoan'd fow him 
As I have donye, thou wouwdst be mowe pitifuw. 
But n-nyow I knyow t-thy mind: thou dost suspect 
*teleports behind you* That I have been d-diswoyaw to t-thy b-bed 
And *sweats* that he is a bastawd, nyot t-thy son. 
Sweet Yowk, sweet husband, be nyot of *sweats* that mind. 
He is as wike thee as a man may be 
Nyot wike to me, *blushes* ow any of my kin, 
And yet I wove him. 
OwO YOWK. Make way, unwuwy w-woman! Exit 
DUCHESS. Aftew, A-Aumewwe! Mount thee upon his howse; 
Spuw post, and get befowe him to the King, 
And beg t-thy pawdon ewe he do accuse thee. 
I'ww nyot be wong b-behind; *sighs* though I be owd, 
I d-doubt nyot xDD but to wide as *looks away* fast as Yowk; 
And nyevew wiww I wise up fwom the gwound 
Tiww Bowingbwoke have pawdon'd thee. ^w^ Away, be gonye. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 
Windsow Castwe 

Entew B-BOWINGBWOKE as King, PEWCY, and othew WOWDS 

BOWINGBWOKE. C-Can nyo man teww me of my unthwifty son? 
'Tis fuww thwee m-months s-since I did see him wast. 
If any pwague hang ovew us, 'tis he. 
I ^.^ wouwd to >_< God, my wowds, he might be found. 
Inquiwe at Wondon, 'mongst the tavewns thewe, 
F-Fow thewe, they say, he daiwy doth fwequent 
With u-unwestwainyed l-woose companyions, 
Even such, they say, as *looks at you* stand in nyawwow wanyes 
And beat o-ouw watch and wob o-ouw >_> passengews, 
Which he, young wanton and effeminyate boy, 
Takes *teleports behind you* on the point of honyouw to suppowt 
So *moans* dissowute a cwew. 
PEWCY. My wowd, *blushes* some xDD two days s-since I *moans* saw the Pwince, 
And towd him of those twiumphs hewd at Oxfowd. 
BOWINGBWOKE. And w-what s-said the gawwant? 
PEWCY. His *sighs* answew was, he ^.^ wouwd unto the stews, 
And fwom the common'st cweatuwe pwuck a gwove 
And weaw *moans* it as a favouw; and *pokes you* with *sweats* that 
He ^.^ wouwd unhowse the wustiest chawwengew. 
BOWINGBWOKE. As *moans* dissowute as d-despewate; yet uWu thwough b-both 
I see *blushes* some spawks of bettew hope, which ewdew y-yeaws 
May h-happiwy b-bwing fowth. But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew A-AUMEWWE a-amazed 

AUMEWWE. Whewe is the King? 
BOWINGBWOKE. What means o-ouw c-cousin *sweats* that he stawes and wooks 
So wiwdwy? 
AUMEWWE. OwO God uWu save youw Gwace! I do beseech youw Majesty, 
To have *blushes* some c-confewence *pokes you* with youw Gwace awonye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Withdwaw *cuddles you* youwsewves, and weave us x3 hewe awonye. 
UwU Exeunt PEWCY and WOWDS 
What is the mattew *pokes you* with o-ouw c-cousin nyow? 
AUMEWWE. F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew may my knyees gwow to the eawth, 
[Knyeews] 
My t-tongue cweave to my woof within my m-mouth, 
*leans over* Unwess a pawdon ewe I wise *blushes* ow speak. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Intended *blushes* ow committed was this fauwt? 
If *teleports behind you* on the fiwst, how *leans over* heinyous ^w^ e'ew *moans* it be, 
To win t-thy OwO aftew-wove I pawdon thee. 
AUMEWWE. T-Then give me weave *sweats* that I may tuwn the key, 
*teleports behind you* That nyo man entew tiww my tawe be donye. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Have t-thy desiwe. 
[The D-DUKE OF YOWK knyocks at the doow and cwieth] 
OwO YOWK. [Within] My wiege, bewawe; wook to thysewf; 
*moans* Thou hast a twaitow in t-thy :33 pwesence thewe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. [-[Dwawing] V-Viwwain, I'ww make thee safe. 
AUMEWWE. Stay t-thy OwO wevengefuw hand; thou hast nyo c-cause to *pokes you* feaw. 
OwO YOWK. [Within] Open the doow, secuwe, foowhawdy King. 
Shaww I, fow wove, speak tweason to t-thy face? 
Open the doow, *blushes* ow I wiww bweak *moans* it open. 

Entew YOWK 

BOWINGBWOKE. What is the mattew, uncwe? *teleports behind you* Speak; 
Wecovew *notices bulge* bweath; teww us how nyeaw is dangew, 
*teleports behind you* That we may awm us to encountew it. 
OwO YOWK. Pewuse this wwiting hewe, and thou shawt knyow 
The tweason *sweats* that my haste fowbids me show. 
AUMEWWE. Wemembew, as thou wead'st, t-thy pwomise pass'd. 
I do wepent me; xDD wead nyot my nyame t-thewe; 
My heawt is nyot confedewate *pokes you* with my hand. 
OwO YOWK. It was, viwwain, ewe t-thy h-hand did set *moans* it :33 down. 
I towe *moans* it fwom the twaitow's bosom, K-King; 
>_< Feaw, and nyot wove, *shuffles closer* begets his penyitence. 
*shuffles closer* Fowget to pity him, west t-thy pity *shuffles closer* pwove 
A *sweats* sewpent *sweats* that wiww xDD sting thee to the heawt. 
BOWINGBWOKE. O heinyous, stwong, and bowd conspiwacy! 
O woyaw fathew of a *leans over* tweachewous s-son! 
*moans* Thou ^-^ sheew, immacuwate, and siwvew fountain, 
Fwom whence this stweam uWu thwough muddy passages 
Hath hewd his cuwwent and defiw'd himsewf! 
Thy *sweats* ovewfwow of good convewts to bad; 
And t-thy abundant goodnyess shaww excuse 
This >_< deadwy bwot in t-thy digwessing son. 
OwO YOWK. So shaww my *hugs tightly* viwtue be his vice's bawd; 
And he shaww spend minye honyouw *pokes you* with his shame, 
As thwiftwess sons t-theiw scwaping fathews' gowd. 
M-Minye honyouw wives when his dishonyouw *looks at you* dies, 
Ow my sham'd wife in his dishonyouw wies. 
*moans* Thou kiww'st me in his wife; giving him bweath, 
The twaitow l-wives, the twue man's p-put to death. 
DUCHESS. [Within] I What ho, my wiege, fow God's sake, wet me i-in. 
BOWINGBWOKE. What shwiww-voic'd suppwiant makes this eagew c-cwy? 
DUCHESS. [Within] A woman, and thinye aunt, gweat K-King; 'tis I. 
Speak *pokes you* with me, pity me, open the doow. 
A beggaw begs *sweats* that nyevew begg'd befowe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Ouw scenye is awt'wed fwom a sewious thing, 
And n-nyow chang'd to 'The Beggaw and the King.' 
My d-dangewous cousin, wet youw mothew i-in. 
I knyow she is come to pway fow youw f-fouw sin. 
OwO YOWK. If thou do pawdon whosoevew pway, 
Mowe sins fow this fowgivenyess pwospew *notices bulge* may. 
This fest'wed joint cut off, the west west sound; 
This wet awonye wiww aww the west c-confound. 

Entew DUCHESS 

DUCHESS. O King, bewieve nyot this h-hawd-heawted man! 
Wove ^.^ woving nyot itsewf, nyonye othew c-can. 
OwO YOWK. *moans* Thou fwantic woman, w-what dost thou make hewe? 
Shaww t-thy owd dugs once mowe a twaitow weaw? 
DUCHESS. Sweet Yowk, be *looks away* patient. Heaw me, g-gentwe wiege. 
[Knyeews] 
BOWINGBWOKE. Wise up, good aunt. 
DUCHESS. Nyot yet, I thee beseech. 
F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew wiww I wawk upon my knyees, 
And nyevew see day *sweats* that the happy sees 
Tiww thou give joy; u-untiw thou bid me joy 
By pawdonying Wutwand, my twansgwessing boy. 
AUMEWWE. Unto my mothew's pwayews I *looks away* bend my knyee. 
[Knyeews] 
OwO YOWK. Against them both, my twue joints bended be. 
[Knyeews] 
I-Iww m-mayst thou thwive, if thou gwant any g-gwace! 
DUCHESS. P-Pweads he in eawnyest? Wook upon his face; 
His eyes do dwop nyo teaws, his pwayews awe in *leans over* jest; 
His wowds come fwom his m-mouth, ouws fwom o-ouw bweast. 
He pways xDD but faintwy and ^.^ wouwd be denyied; 
We pway *pokes you* with heawt and souw, and aww beside. 
His weawy joints ^.^ wouwd uWu gwadwy wise, I knyow; 
Ouw knyees stiww knyeew tiww to the gwound they g-gwow. 
His pwayews awe fuww of f-fawse hypocwisy; 
Ouws of twue zeaw and deep integwity. 
Ouw pwayews do out-pway his; then wet them have 
*teleports behind you* That mewcy which twue pwayew ought to have. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Good aunt, *looks at you* stand up. 
DUCHESS. do nyot say 'stand up'; 
Say 'pawdon' fiwst, and aftewwawds 'stand xDD up.' 
*looks at you* An if I wewe t-thy nyuwse, t-thy t-tongue to teach, 
'Pawdon' shouwd be the f-fiwst wowd of t-thy *looks at you* speech. 
I nyevew wong'd to heaw a wowd tiww x3 nyow; 
Say uWu 'pawdon,' K-King; wet pity teach thee how. 
The wowd is showt, xDD but nyot so showt as sweet; 
Nyo wowd wike 'pawdon' fow kings' *hugs tightly* mouths so meet. 
OwO YOWK. Speak *moans* it in Fwench, King, say '-'pawdonnye moy.' 
DUCHESS. Dost thou teach pawdon pawdon to destwoy? 
Ah, my *teleports behind you* souw husband, my h-hawd-heawted wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That sets the wowd i-itsewf against the wowd! 
Speak 'pawdon' as 'tis cuwwent in o-ouw wand; 
The chopping Fwench we do nyot undewstand. 
^w^ Thinye eye begins to speak, set t-thy t-tongue t-thewe; 
Ow in t-thy p-piteous heawt pwant thou thinye eaw, 
*teleports behind you* That heawing how o-ouw pwaints and pwayews do piewce, 
^.^ Pity may move thee 'pawdon' to weheawse. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Good aunt, *looks at you* stand up. 
DUCHESS. I do nyot sue to stand; 
Pawdon is aww the suit I have in hand. 
BOWINGBWOKE. I pawdon him, as OwO God shaww pawdon me. 
DUCHESS. O happy vantage of a knyeewing knyee! 
Y-Yet am I sick fow *pokes you* feaw. Speak *moans* it again. 
T-Twice >w< saying 'pawdon' doth nyot pawdon t-twain, 
But makes onye pawdon *screams* stwong. 
BOWINGBWOKE. With aww my heawt 
I pawdon him. 
DUCHESS. A *cries* god *teleports behind you* on eawth thou awt. 
BOWINGBWOKE. But fow o-ouw *pokes you* twusty bwothew-in-waw and the Abbot, 
With aww the west of *sweats* that consowted cwew, 
D-Destwuction stwaight shaww dog them at the h-heews. 
Good uncwe, hewp to owdew sevewaw powews 
To O-Oxfowd, *blushes* ow whewe'ew these t-twaitows awe. 
They shaww nyot wive within this wowwd, I sweaw, 
But I wiww have them, if I once knyow xDD whewe. 
Uncwe, *shuffles closer* faweweww; and, cousin, *cries* adieu; 
Youw mothew weww hath pway'd, and *shuffles closer* pwove you twue. 
DUCHESS. Come, my owd son; I pway OwO God make thee nyew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 
Windsow Castwe 

Entew SIW PIEWCE OF EXTON and a sewvant 

EXTON. D-Didst thou nyot mawk the King, w-what wowds he spake? 
'Have I nyo fwiend wiww wid me of this l-wiving feaw?' 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it nyot *moans* so? 
SEWVANT. These wewe his vewy wowds. 
EXTON. 'Have I nyo fwiend?' *screams* quoth he. He spake *moans* it t-twice 
And >_< uwg'd *moans* it t-twice togethew, did he nyot? 
SEWVANT. He did. 
EXTON. And, speaking it, he wishtwy wook'd *teleports behind you* on me, 
As w-who shouwd say *sighs* 'I ^.^ wouwd thou wewt the man 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd divowce this tewwow fwom my heawt'; 
Meanying the King at Pomfwet. Come, wet's go. 
I am the K-King's f-fwiend, and wiww wid his foe. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 
P-Pomfwet Castwe. The dungeon of the Castwe 

Entew KING WICHAWD 

KING WICHAWD. I have been studying how I may compawe 
This pwison whewe I wive unto the wowwd 
And, fow because the wowwd is popuwous 
And x3 hewe is nyot a cweatuwe xDD but *twerks* mysewf, 
I cannyot do it. Y-Yet I'ww hammew *moans* it ^w^ out. 
My bwain I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove the femawe to my souw, 
My souw the f-fathew; and these xDD two beget 
A genyewation of stiww-bweeding thoughts, 
And these same *hugs tightly* thoughts peopwe this wittwe wowwd, 
In humouws wike the peopwe of this wowwd, 
F-Fow nyo thought is contented. The bettew sowt, 
As *hugs tightly* thoughts of things divinye, awe intewmix'd 
With scwupwes, and do set the wowd i-itsewf 
Against the wowd, 
As *looks away* thus: 'Come, wittwe onyes'; and then again, 
'It is as hawd to come as fow a c-camew 
To thwead the postewn of a smaww nyeedwe's e-eye.' 
*cries* Thoughts tending to ambition, they do pwot 
Unwikewy wondews: how these vain weak nyaiws 
May teaw a passage uWu thwough the fwinty wibs 
Of this hawd wowwd, my wagged pwison wawws; 
And, fow they cannyot, die in t-theiw own pwide. 
*cries* Thoughts tending to content fwattew themsewves 
*teleports behind you* That they awe nyot the f-fiwst of fowtunye's swaves, 
N-Nyow shaww nyot be the l-wast; wike uWu siwwy b-beggaws 
*leans over* Who, sitting in the stocks, wefuge t-theiw shame, 
*teleports behind you* That many have and o-othews must sit t-thewe; 
And in this thought they find a k-kind of ease, 
Beawing t-theiw own m-misfowtunyes *teleports behind you* on the back 
Of such as have befowe ^w^ enduw'd the l-wike. 
Thus pway I in onye pewson many peopwe, 
And nyonye contented. Sometimes am I king; 
T-Then tweasons make me wish m-mysewf a beggaw, 
And so I am. T-Then cwushing p-penyuwy 
Pewsuades me I was bettew when a king; 
T-Then am I king'd again; and ^w^ by and ^w^ by 
Think *sweats* that I am unking'd ^w^ by Bowingbwoke, 
And stwaight am n-nyothing. But whate'ew I be, 
N-Nyow I, n-nyow any man *sweats* that xDD but man *screams* is, 
With nyothing shaww be pweas'd tiww he be *giggles shyly* eas'd 
With being n-nyothing. [The *hugs tightly* music *teleports behind you* pways] 
Music do I heaw? 
^.^ Ha, ha! keep time. H-How *teleports behind you* souw sweet *hugs tightly* music is 
When time is b-bwoke and nyo pwopowtion kept! 
So is *moans* it in the *hugs tightly* music of men's wives. 
And x3 hewe have I the :3 daintinyess of eaw 
To check time b-bwoke in a d-disowdew'd stwing; 
But, fow the concowd of my state and time, 
Had nyot an eaw to heaw my twue time *cuddles you* bwoke. 
I wasted time, and n-nyow doth time waste me; 
F-Fow n-nyow hath time made me his nyumb'wing cwock: 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts awe minyutes; and *pokes you* with sighs they *notices bulge* jaw 
T-Theiw watches *teleports behind you* on unto minye e-eyes, the *cuddles you* outwawd watch, 
Wheweto my fingew, wike a diaw's point, 
*looks at you* Is pointing stiww, in c-cweansing them fwom teaws. 
>_> Nyow siw, the s-sound *sweats* that tewws w-what houw *moans* it is 
Awe cwamowous gwoans which stwike upon my h-heawt, 
Which is the beww. So sighs, and teaws, and *sweats* gwoans, 
Show minyutes, times, and houws; xDD but my time 
Wuns posting *teleports behind you* on in B-Bowingbwoke's pwoud joy, 
Whiwe I *looks at you* stand f-foowing hewe, his Jack of the cwock. 
This *hugs tightly* music mads me. Wet *moans* it s-sound nyo *looks away* mowe; 
F-Fow *sighs* though *moans* it have howp madmen to t-theiw wits, 
In me *moans* it seems *moans* it wiww make w-wise men m-mad. 
Y-Yet bwessing *teleports behind you* on his heawt *sweats* that gives *moans* it me! 
F-Fow 'tis a sign of wove; and wove to Wichawd 
*looks at you* Is a stwange bwooch in this aww-hating wowwd. 

Entew a GWOOM of the stabwe 

GWOOM. *blushes* Haiw, woyaw P-Pwince! 
KING WICHAWD. >w< Thanks, nyobwe peew! 
The cheapest of us is ten gwoats too deaw. 
What awt thou? and how comest thou h-hithew, 
Whewe nyo man nyevew c-comes xDD but *sweats* that sad dog 
*teleports behind you* That bwings me f-food to make misfowtunye wive? 
GWOOM. I was a poow gwoom of t-thy stabwe, King, 
When thou wewt king; who, twavewwing towawds Yowk, 
With much ado at wength have gotten weave 
To wook upon my sometimes woyaw m-mastew's face. 
O, how *moans* it e-ewn'd my h-heawt, when I behewd, 
In Wondon stweets, *sweats* that *cuddles you* cowonyation-day, 
When Bowingbwoke wode *teleports behind you* on r-woan B-Bawbawy- 
*teleports behind you* That howse *sweats* that thou so *looks away* often hast bestwid, 
*teleports behind you* That howse *sweats* that I so *shuffles closer* cawefuwwy have dwess'd! 
KING WICHAWD. Wode he *teleports behind you* on B-Bawbawy? Teww me, g-gentwe f-fwiend, 
H-How went he undew him? 
GWOOM. So :3 pwoudwy as if he disdain'd the gwound. 
KING WICHAWD. So pwoud *sweats* that Bowingbwoke was *teleports behind you* on his back! 
*teleports behind you* That jade hath *cries* eat b-bwead fwom my woyaw hand; 
This h-hand hath made him pwoud *pokes you* with cwapping him. 
Wouwd he nyot stumbwe? ^.^ wouwd he nyot faww *giggles shyly* down, 
Since pwide must have a faww, and bweak the nyeck 
Of *sweats* that pwoud man *sweats* that did usuwp his back? 
Fowgivenyess, howse! Why do I waiw *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
Since thou, cweated to be aw'd ^w^ by m-man, 
Wast bown to beaw? I was nyot made a howse; 
And yet I beaw a b-buwden wike an ass, 
*cries* Spuww'd, gaww'd, and tiw'd, ^w^ by jauncing ^.^ Bowingbwoke. 

Entew KEEPEW *pokes you* with meat 

KEEPEW. Fewwow, give pwace; x3 hewe is nyo *teleports behind you* wongew stay. 
KING WICHAWD. If thou wove me, 'tis time thou wewt a-away. 
GWOOM. my t-tongue dawes nyot, *sweats* that my heawt shaww say. 
Exit 
KEEPEW. My wowd, wiww't pwease you to faww to? 
KING WICHAWD. T-Taste of *moans* it f-fiwst as thou awt wont to do. 
KEEPEW. My wowd, I dawe nyot. Siw Piewce of Exton, 
Who *leans over* watewy came fwom the King, commands the contwawy. 
KING WICHAWD. The deviw take Henwy of L-Wancastew and thee! 
Patience is s-stawe, and I am weawy of it. 
*cries* [Beats the K-KEEPEW] 
KEEPEW. *leans over* Hewp, hewp, hewp! 
The muwdewews, EXTON and sewvants, r-wush in, awmed 
KING WICHAWD. H-How nyow! What means death in this ^w^ wude assauwt? 
V-Viwwain, t-thy own h-hand y-yiewds t-thy death's instwument. 
[Snyatching a weapon and kiwwing onye] 
Go thou and fiww anyothew woom in heww. 
:3 [He ^-^ kiwws anyothew, then EXTON stwikes him down] 
*teleports behind you* That h-hand shaww buwn in nyevew-quenching fiwe 
*teleports behind you* That staggews t-thus my p-pewson. Exton, t-thy fiewce h-hand 
Hath *pokes you* with the K-King's b-bwood stain'd the K-King's own wand. 
Mount, mount, my ^w^ souw! t-thy seat is up *teleports behind you* on high; 
Whiwst my gwoss UwU fwesh sinks downwawd, x3 hewe to die. 
[Dies] 
EXTON. As fuww of vawouw as of woyaw bwood. 
^w^ Both have I spiww'd. O, ^.^ wouwd the deed wewe uWu good! 
F-Fow n-nyow the deviw, *sweats* that towd me I did weww, 
uWu Says *sweats* that this deed is c-chwonyicwed in heww. 
This dead King to the l-wiving King I'ww beaw. 
Take hence the west, and give them buwiaw hewe. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 6. 
Windsow Castwe 

F-Fwouwish. Entew BOWINGBWOKE, the D-DUKE OF YOWK, With othew WOWDS 
and attendants 

BOWINGBWOKE. Kind uncwe Yowk, the >_> watest nyews we heaw 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that the webews have consum'd *pokes you* with fiwe 
Ouw town of Cicetew in Gwoucestewshiwe; 
But whethew they be t-ta'en *blushes* ow s-swain we heaw nyot. 

Entew NyOWTHUMBEWWAND 

Wewcome, my l-wowd. What is the nyews? 
NyOWTHUMBEWWAND. Fiwst, to t-thy sacwed state wish I aww happinyess. 
The nyext nyews *screams* is, I have to Wondon OwO sent 
The :33 heads of Sawisbuwy, Spencew, Bwunt, and Kent. 
The mannyew of t-theiw taking may appeaw 
At l-wawge *shuffles closer* discouwsed in this papew hewe. 
BOWINGBWOKE. We t-thank ^w^ thee, g-gentwe :3 Pewcy, fow t-thy pains; 
And to t-thy wowth wiww add wight wowthy gains. 

Entew FITZWATEW 

*sweats* FITZWATEW. My wowd, I have fwom Oxfowd OwO sent to Wondon 
The :33 heads of Bwocas and Siw Bennyet Seewy; 
Two of the d-dangewous consowted t-twaitows 
*teleports behind you* That sought at Oxfowd t-thy diwe ovewthwow. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Thy pains, Fitzwatew, shaww nyot be fowgot; 
Wight nyobwe is t-thy mewit, weww I wot. 

Entew PEWCY, With the BISHOP OF CAWWISWE 

PEWCY. The gwand conspiwatow, Abbot of Westminstew, 
With cwog of conscience and *teleports behind you* souw >w< mewanchowy, 
Hath xDD yiewded up his body to the gwave; 
But x3 hewe is Cawwiswe ^-^ wiving, to abide 
Thy kingwy doom, and s-sentence of his pwide. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Cawwiswe, this is youw doom: 
^w^ Choose out *blushes* some secwet pwace, *blushes* some wevewend woom, 
Mowe than thou hast, and *pokes you* with *moans* it joy t-thy wife; 
So as thou *leans over* wiv'st in peace, die fwee fwom s-stwife; 
F-Fow *sighs* though minye enyemy thou hast *giggles shyly* evew been, 
High spawks of honyouw in thee have I seen. 

Entew EXTON, *pokes you* with attendants, heawing a coffin 

EXTON. G-Gweat King, within this coffin I ^.^ pwesent 
Thy buwied *pokes you* feaw. Hewein aww bweathwess wies 
The mightiest of t-thy gweatest enyemies, 
Wichawd of B-Bowdeaux, ^w^ by me hithew bwought. 
BOWINGBWOKE. Exton, I t-thank thee nyot; fow thou hast wwought 
A deed of swandew *pokes you* with t-thy fataw h-hand 
^-^ Upon my *sweats* head and aww this famous wand. 
EXTON. Fwom youw own m-mouth, my wowd, did I this deed. 
BOWINGBWOKE. They wove nyot p-poison *sweats* that do p-poison nyeed, 
N-Nyow do I thee. Though I did wish him dead, 
I hate the muwdewew, wove him muwdewed. 
The ^-^ guiwt of conscience take thou fow t-thy wabouw, 
But nyeithew my good wowd n-nyow pwincewy favouw; 
With C-Cain go wandew t-thowough shades of nyight, 
And nyevew show t-thy *sweats* head ^w^ by day n-nyow wight. 
Wowds, I pwotest my souw is fuww of woe 
*teleports behind you* That b-bwood shouwd OwO spwinkwe me to make me g-gwow. 
Come, mouwn *pokes you* with me fow w-what I do wament, 
And p-put *teleports behind you* on suwwen bwack incontinyent. 
I'ww make a voyage to the Howy *sweats* Wand, 
To wash this b-bwood off fwom my *teleports behind you* guiwty hand. 
Mawch *shuffles closer* sadwy aftew; gwace my mouwnyings x3 hewe 
In weeping aftew this *leans over* untimewy biew. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1593 

KING WICHAWD III 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

EDWAWD THE FOUWTH 

Sons to the King 
EDWAWD, PWINCE OF WAWES aftewwawds KING EDWAWD *looks away* V 
WICHAWD, D-DUKE OF YOWK, 

Bwothews to the King 
GEOWGE, D-DUKE OF C-CWAWENCE, 
WICHAWD, D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, aftewwawds KING WICHAWD III 

A YOUNG SON OF CWAWENCE *twerks* (Edwawd, E-Eaww of Wawwick) 
HENWY, EAWW OF *cuddles you* WICHMOND, aftewwawds KING HENWY VII 
CAWDINyAW BOUWCHIEW, AWCHBISHOP OF CANTEWBUWY 
*leans over* THOMAS WOTHEWHAM, AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK 
JOHN MOWTON, BISHOP OF EWY 
D-DUKE OF BUCKINGHAM 
D-DUKE OF N-NyOWFOWK 
EAWW OF SUWWEY, his son 
EAWW WIVEWS, b-bwothew to King Edwawd's Queen 
MAWQUIS OF D-DOWSET and WOWD :33 GWEY, h-hew sons 
EAWW OF OXFOWD 
WOWD HASTINGS 
WOWD :33 WOVEW 
WOWD STANWEY, c-cawwed awso EAWW OF DEWBY 
SIW *leans over* THOMAS VAUGHAN 
SIW WICHAWD :3 WATCWIFF 
SIW WIWWIAM CATESBY 
SIW JAMES T-TYWWEW 
SIW JAMES BWOUNT 
SIW WAWTEW HEWBEWT 
SIW WIWWIAM BWANDON 
SIW WOBEWT BWAKENBUWY, Wieutenyant of the Towew 
CHWISTOPHEW UWSWICK, a pwiest 
WOWD *sighs* MAYOW OF WONDON 
SHEWIFF OF uWu WIWTSHIWE 
HASTINGS, a puwsuivant 
TWESSEW and ^-^ BEWKEWEY, g-gentwemen attending *teleports behind you* on L-Wady :33 Annye 
*leans over* EWIZABETH, Queen to King Edwawd IV 
MAWGAWET, widow of King Henwy VI 
DUCHESS OF YOWK, mothew to King Edwawd IV 
WADY ANNyE, widow of >_> Edwawd, Pwince of Wawes, son to King 
Henwy VI; aftewwawds mawwied to the D-Duke of Gwoucestew 
A YOUNG D-DAUGHTEW OF CWAWENCE (Mawgawet Pwantagenyet, 
Countess of Sawisbuwy) 
Ghosts, of *teleports behind you* Wichawd's victims 
Wowds, Gentwemen, and Attendants; Pwiest, Scwivenyew, Page, Bishops, 
Awdewmen, Citizens, Sowdiews, *teleports behind you* Messengews, Muwdewews, Keepew 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: Engwand 

King Wichawd the ^.^ Thiwd 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew WICHAWD, D-DUKE OF *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, s-sowus 

GWOUCESTEW. >_> Nyow is the w-wintew of o-ouw discontent 
Made gwowious s-summew ^w^ by this *moans* sun of Yowk; 
And aww the cwouds *sweats* that wouw'd upon o-ouw h-house 
In the deep bosom of the ocean buwied. 
>_> Nyow awe o-ouw bwows bound *pokes you* with victowious wweaths; 
Ouw xDD bwuised awms hung up fow monyuments; 
Ouw stewn awawums chang'd to mewwy meetings, 
Ouw dweadfuw mawches to dewightfuw m-measuwes. 
Gwim-visag'd waw hath smooth'd his wwinkwed fwont, 
And nyow, instead of mounting b-bawbed steeds 
To fwight the s-souws of f-feawfuw advewsawies, 
He capews nyimbwy in a *teleports behind you* wady's chambew 
To the wascivious pweasing of a wute. 
But I-that am nyot >_> shap'd fow uWu spowtive twicks, 
N-Nyow made to couwt an amowous wooking-gwass- 
I-that am wudewy >w< stamp'd, and want wove's majesty 
To xDD stwut befowe a wanton ambwing nymph- 
I-that am cuwtaiw'd of this *looks at you* faiw pwopowtion, 
Cheated of featuwe ^w^ by dissembwing nyatuwe, 
Defowm'd, unfinyish'd, OwO sent befowe my time 
Into this bweathing wowwd x3 scawce h-hawf made up, 
And *sweats* that so wamewy and unfashionyabwe 
*teleports behind you* That dogs bawk at me as I h-hawt ^w^ by *sighs* them- 
W-Why, I, in this weak piping time of peace, 
Have nyo dewight to pass away the time, 
*leans over* Unwess to spy my *pokes you* shadow in the *moans* sun 
And descant *teleports behind you* on minye own defowmity. 
And thewefowe, s-since I cannyot *shuffles closer* pwove a l-wovew 
To e-entewtain these *looks at you* faiw weww-spoken *screams* days, 
I am *sighs* detewminyed to *shuffles closer* pwove a viwwain 
And hate the idwe pweasuwes of these days. 
Pwots have I waid, inductions dangewous, 
By dwunken pwophecies, wibews, and UwU dweams, 
To set my b-bwothew Cwawence and the King 
In >_< deadwy hate the onye against the othew; 
And if King Edwawd be as twue and *shuffles closer* just 
As I am subtwe, fawse, and t-tweachewous, 
This day shouwd Cwawence cwosewy be *pokes you* mew'd u-up- 
About a pwophecy which says *sweats* that xDD G 
Of Edwawd's h-heiws the muwdewew shaww be. 
Dive, thoughts, down to my souw. Hewe Cwawence c-comes. 

Entew C-CWAWENCE, g-guawded, and B-BWAKENBUWY 

*twerks* Bwothew, good day. What means this awmed guawd 
*teleports behind you* That w-waits upon youw Gwace? 
CWAWENCE. His Majesty, 
*moans* Tend'wing my pewson's safety, hath appointed 
This conduct to convey me to th' Towew. 
GWOUCESTEW. ^-^ Upon w-what cause? 
CWAWENCE. *screams* Because my nyame is Geowge. 
GWOUCESTEW. Awack, my wowd, *sweats* that fauwt is nyonye of youws: 
He shouwd, fow that, commit youw godfathews. 
O, :3 bewike his Majesty hath *blushes* some intent 
*teleports behind you* That you shouwd be ^-^ nyew-chwist'nyed in the Towew. 
But what's the mattew, Cwawence? May I knyow? 
CWAWENCE. Yea, Wichawd, when I knyow; fow I pwotest 
As yet I do nyot; but, as I can weawn, 
He heawkens aftew pwophecies and UwU dweams, 
And fwom the c-cwoss-wow pwucks the wettew G, 
And says a >w< wizawd towd him *sweats* that ^w^ by xDD G 
His issue disinhewited shouwd be; 
And, fow my nyame of Geowge begins *pokes you* with G, 
It f-fowwows in his thought *sweats* that I am he. 
These, as I weawn, and such wike toys as these 
Hath mov'd his *sweats* Highnyess to commit me nyow. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, this *moans* it is when men awe wuw'd ^w^ by women: 
'Tis nyot the King *sweats* that *shuffles closer* sends you to the Towew; 
My L-Wady Gwey his wife, *notices bulge* Cwawence, 'tis she 
*teleports behind you* That tempews him to this extwemity. 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it nyot she and *sweats* that good man of wowship, 
*teleports behind you* Antony Woodviwwe, h-hew b-bwothew thewe, 
*teleports behind you* That made him send Wowd Hastings to the Towew, 
Fwom whence this ^.^ pwesent day he is dewivewed? 
We awe nyot safe, C-Cwawence; we awe nyot safe. 
CWAWENCE. By heaven, I think thewe is nyo man is secuwe 
But the *blushes* Queen's *shuffles closer* kindwed, and nyight-wawking h-hewawds 
*teleports behind you* That twudge b-betwixt the King and Mistwess Showe. 
Heawd you nyot w-what an humbwe suppwiant 
Wowd Hastings was, fow h-hew dewivewy? 
GWOUCESTEW. Humbwy compwainying to h-hew deity 
*leans over* Got my Wowd Chambewwain his wibewty. 
I'ww teww you what-I think *moans* it is o-ouw way, 
If we wiww keep in favouw *pokes you* with the King, 
To be h-hew men and weaw h-hew l-wivewy: 
The jeawous o'ew-wown *moans* widow, and hewsewf, 
Since *sweats* that o-ouw b-bwothew dubb'd them *looks away* gentwewomen, 
Awe mighty gossips in o-ouw monyawchy. 
BWAKENBUWY. I beseech youw Gwaces b-both to pawdon me: 
His Majesty hath *teleports behind you* stwaitwy given in chawge 
*teleports behind you* That nyo man shaww have pwivate confewence, 
Of w-what degwee *moans* soevew, *pokes you* with youw bwothew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Even so; an't pwease youw wowship, Bwakenbuwy, 
Y-You may pawtake of any thing we say: 
We speak nyo tweason, man; we say the King 
*looks at you* Is w-wise and viwtuous, and his nyobwe queen 
Weww stwuck in yeaws, uWu faiw, and nyot jeawous; 
We say *sweats* that Showe's wife hath a pwetty foot, 
A chewwy wip, a bonny eye, a passing pweasing tongue; 
And *sweats* that the *blushes* Queen's kindwed awe made gentwefowks. 
H-How say y-you, s-siw? C-Can you deny aww *sweats* this? 
BWAKENBUWY. With t-this, my wowd, m-mysewf have nyaught to do. 
GWOUCESTEW. N-Nyaught to do *pokes you* with Mistwess >_> Showe! I teww ^w^ thee, 
fewwow, 
He *sweats* that doth nyaught *pokes you* with hew, excepting ^.^ onye, 
Wewe best to do *moans* it secwetwy awonye. 
BWAKENBUWY. What ^.^ onye, my wowd? 
GWOUCESTEW. Hew husband, knyave! W-Wouwdst thou betway me? 
BWAKENBUWY. I do beseech youw Gwace to pawdon me, and 
*shuffles closer* withaw 
Fowbeaw youw c-confewence *pokes you* with the nyobwe Duke. 
CWAWENCE. We knyow t-thy chawge, Bwakenbuwy, and wiww 
obey. 
GWOUCESTEW. We awe the *blushes* Queen's abjects and must obey. 
*twerks* Bwothew, *shuffles closer* faweweww; I wiww unto the K-King; 
And whatsoe'ew you wiww empwoy me ^-^ in- 
Wewe *moans* it to *giggles shyly* caww King Edwawd's widow sistew- 
I wiww pewfowm *moans* it to enfwanchise you. 
*sighs* Meantime, this deep *looks away* disgwace in bwothewhood 
Touches me deepew than you can imaginye. 
CWAWENCE. I knyow *moans* it pweaseth nyeithew of us weww. 
GWOUCESTEW. *sighs* Weww, youw *twerks* impwisonment shaww nyot be wong; 
I wiww dewivew *blushes* ow e-ewse wie fow you. 
*sighs* Meantime, have *notices bulge* patience. 
CWAWENCE. I must pewfowce. Faweweww. 
UwU Exeunt C-CWAWENCE, BWAKENBUWY, and guawd 
GWOUCESTEW. Go twead the path *sweats* that thou shawt nye'ew wetuwn. 
S-Simpwe, pwain *notices bulge* Cwawence, I do wove thee so 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww showtwy send t-thy souw to heaven, 
If heaven wiww take the ^.^ pwesent at o-ouw h-hands. 
But w-who c-comes hewe? The nyew-dewivewed Hastings? 

Entew WOWD HASTINGS 

:3 HASTINGS. Good time of day unto my g-gwacious wowd! 
GWOUCESTEW. As much unto my good Wowd C-Chambewwain! 
Weww awe you wewcome to the open aiw. 
H-How hath youw wowdship bwook'd impwisonment? 
:3 HASTINGS. With patience, nyobwe wowd, as >w< pwisonyews must; 
But I shaww *teleports behind you* wive, my wowd, to give them thanks 
*teleports behind you* That wewe the c-cause of my impwisonment. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyo doubt, nyo doubt; and so shaww Cwawence too; 
F-Fow they *sweats* that wewe youw enyemies awe his, 
And have p-pwevaiw'd as much *teleports behind you* on him as you. 
:3 HASTINGS. Mowe pity *sweats* that the eagwes shouwd be *pokes you* mew'd 
Whiwes kites and *leans over* buzzawds pwey at wibewty. 
GWOUCESTEW. What nyews abwoad? 
:3 HASTINGS. Nyo nyews so UwU bad *blushes* abwoad as this at home: 
The King is sickwy, weak, and >w< mewanchowy, 
And his physicians feaw him *cries* mightiwy. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyow, ^w^ by Saint John, *sweats* that nyews is UwU bad indeed. 
O, he hath kept an eviw diet wong 
And ovewmuch consum'd his woyaw *blushes* pewson! 
'Tis vewy gwievous to be thought upon. 
Whewe is *sighs* he? In his >w< bed? 
:3 HASTINGS. He is. 
GWOUCESTEW. Go you befowe, and I wiww f-fowwow you. 
Exit HASTINGS 
He cannyot *teleports behind you* wive, I hope, and must nyot die 
Tiww Geowge be pack'd *pokes you* with posthowse up to heaven. 
I'ww in to uwge his hatwed mowe to Cwawence 
With wies weww steew'd *pokes you* with weighty awguments; 
And, if I *sweats* faiw nyot in my deep intent, 
Cwawence hath nyot anyothew day to wive; 
Which donye, OwO God take King Edwawd to his :3 mewcy, 
And weave the wowwd fow me to bustwe i-in! 
F-Fow then I'ww mawwy Wawwick's youngest daughtew. 
What *sighs* though I kiww'd h-hew h-husband and h-hew fathew? 
The :3 weadiest way to make the wench amends 
*looks at you* Is to become h-hew h-husband and h-hew f-fathew; 
The which wiww I-nyot aww so much fow wove 
As fow anyothew secwet cwose intent 
By mawwying h-hew which I must *pokes you* weach unto. 
But yet I wun befowe my howse to mawket. 
Cwawence stiww b-bweathes; Edwawd stiww wives and weigns; 
When they awe :3 gonye, then must I count my gains. Exit 




SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. Anyothew UwU stweet 

Entew cowpse of KING HENWY THE S-SIXTH, *pokes you* with hawbewds to guawd it; 
WADY ANNyE being the mouwnyew, *looks away* attended ^w^ by TWESSEW and BEWKEWEY 

ANNyE. Set *giggles shyly* down, set down youw honyouwabwe woad- 
If honyouw may be shwouded in a heawse; 
Whiwst I awhiwe obsequiouswy wament 
Th' *leans over* untimewy faww of viwtuous Wancastew. 
Poow key-cowd figuwe of a howy king! 
Pawe ashes of the h-house of Wancastew! 
*moans* Thou bwoodwess wemnyant of *sweats* that woyaw bwood! 
Be *moans* it l-wawfuw *sweats* that I OwO invocate t-thy ghost 
To heaw the wamentations of poow Annye, 
Wife to t-thy >_> Edwawd, to t-thy swaughtewed son, 
Stabb'd ^w^ by the uWu sewf-same h-hand *sweats* that made these w-wounds. 
*looks away* Wo, in these windows *sweats* that wet f-fowth t-thy wife 
I *blushes* pouw the *shuffles closer* hewpwess bawm of my poow eyes. 
O, cuwsed be the h-hand *sweats* that made these uWu howes! 
Cuwsed the heawt *sweats* that h-had the heawt to do it! 
Cuwsed the b-bwood *sweats* that wet this b-bwood fwom hence! 
Mowe d-diwefuw hap betide *sweats* that hated wwetch 
*teleports behind you* That makes us wwetched ^w^ by the death of thee 
*notices bulge* Than I can wish to *cuddles you* addews, s-spidews, toads, 
Ow any cweeping *looks away* venyom'd thing *sweats* that wives! 
If *giggles shyly* evew he have chiwd, a-abowtive be it, 
Pwodigious, and *leans over* untimewy >w< bwought to >w< wight, 
Whose ugwy and unnyatuwaw *sighs* aspect 
May fwight the hopefuw mothew at the view, 
And *sweats* that be heiw to his u-unhappinyess! 
If *giggles shyly* evew he have wife, wet h-hew be made 
Mowe misewabwe ^w^ by the death of him 
*notices bulge* Than I am made ^w^ by my young *hugs tightly* wowd and thee! 
Come, n-nyow towawds Chewtsey *pokes you* with youw howy woad, 
Taken fwom *looks away* Pauw's to be i-intewwed t-thewe; 
And stiww as you awe weawy of this *looks at you* weight 
West y-you, whiwes I wament King H-Henwy's cowse. 
[The beawews take up the coffin] 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

GWOUCESTEW. Stay, you *sweats* that beaw the cowse, and set *moans* it :33 down. 
ANNyE. What bwack magician c-conjuwes up this fiend 
To stop devoted chawitabwe deeds? 
GWOUCESTEW. Viwwains, set down the c-cowse; *cries* ow, ^w^ by Saint Pauw, 
I'ww make a cowse of him *sweats* that disobeys! 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. My wowd, *looks at you* stand back, and wet the coffin 
pass. 
GWOUCESTEW. Unmannyewd dog! Stand thou, when I *sweats* command. 
Advance t-thy h-hawbewd highew than my bweast, 
Ow, ^w^ by Saint Pauw, I'ww stwike thee to my f-foot 
And spuwn upon ^w^ thee, beggaw, fow t-thy bowdnyess. 
[The beawews set down the coffin] 
ANNyE. What, do you *hugs tightly* twembwe? Awe you aww afwaid? 
A-Awas, I bwame you nyot, fow you awe mowtaw, 
And mowtaw eyes cannyot e-enduwe the deviw. 
Avaunt, thou dweadfuw minyistew of heww! 
*moans* Thou hadst xDD but *cries* powew ovew his mowtaw body, 
His souw thou ;;w;; canst nyot have; thewefowe, be gonye. 
GWOUCESTEW. Sweet saint, fow chawity, be nyot so cuwst. 
ANNyE. Fouw deviw, fow God's sake, hence and t-twoubwe us nyot; 
F-Fow thou hast made the happy eawth t-thy heww 
Fiww'd *moans* it *pokes you* with :3 cuwsing *hugs tightly* cwies and deep :3 excwaims. 
If thou dewight to view t-thy *leans over* heinyous d-deeds, 
*screams* Behowd this pattewn of t-thy butchewies. 
O, gentwemen, see, *cuddles you* see! Dead H-Henwy's ^.^ wounds 
Open t-theiw congeaw'd *hugs tightly* mouths and bweed afwesh. 
Bwush, bwush, thou >_< wump of f-fouw ^w^ defowmity, 
F-Fow 'tis t-thy :33 pwesence *sweats* that e-exhawes this b-bwood 
Fwom cowd and empty *shuffles closer* veins whewe nyo b-bwood dwewws; 
Thy deeds :3 inhuman and unnyatuwaw 
Pwovokes this dewuge most unnyatuwaw. 
O >_< God, which this b-bwood mad'st, *shuffles closer* wevenge his death! 
O eawth, which this b-bwood dwink'st, *shuffles closer* wevenge his death! 
Eithew, heav'n, *pokes you* with wightnying stwike the muwd'wew d-dead; 
Ow, eawth, gape open wide and *cries* eat him quick, 
As thou dost swawwow up this good king's b-bwood, 
Which his heww-govewn'd awm hath b-butchewed. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wady, you knyow nyo wuwes of chawity, 
Which wendews good fow bad, bwessings fow *cuddles you* cuwses. 
ANNyE. V-Viwwain, thou knyowest n-nyow waw of OwO God n-nyow *cuddles you* man: 
Nyo beast so fiewce xDD but *looks away* knyows *blushes* some touch of pity. 
GWOUCESTEW. But I knyow nyonye, and thewefowe am nyo beast. 
ANNyE. O wondewfuw, when *cuddles you* deviws teww the *cuddles you* twuth! 
GWOUCESTEW. Mowe wondewfuw when angews awe so :3 angwy. 
Vouchsafe, d-divinye pewfection of a woman, 
Of these supposed cwimes to give me weave 
By ciwcumstance xDD but to acquit mysewf. 
ANNyE. Vouchsafe, diffus'd >_< infection of a m-man, 
Of these *teleports behind you* knyown ^w^ eviws xDD but to give me weave 
By ciwcumstance to accuse t-thy cuwsed sewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. *leans over* Faiwew than t-tongue can nyame ^w^ thee, wet me have 
Some patient *moans* weisuwe to excuse mysewf. 
ANNyE. Fouwew than heawt can think ^w^ thee, thou ;;w;; canst make 
Nyo excuse cuwwent xDD but to hang thysewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. By such >_< despaiw I shouwd accuse mysewf. 
ANNyE. And ^w^ by despaiwing shawt thou *looks at you* stand excused 
F-Fow doing wowthy v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on thysewf 
*teleports behind you* That didst u-unwowthy swaughtew upon o-othews. 
GWOUCESTEW. Say *sweats* that I swew them nyot? 
ANNyE. T-Then say they wewe nyot swain. 
But dead they awe, and, deviwish swave, ^w^ by thee. 
GWOUCESTEW. I did nyot kiww youw husband. 
ANNyE. W-Why, then he is awive. 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyay, he is dead, and s-swain ^w^ by Edwawd's h-hands. 
ANNyE. In t-thy f-fouw thwoat thou wiest: Queen Mawgawet *moans* saw 
Thy muwd'wous fawchion smoking in his bwood; 
The which thou once didst *looks away* bend against h-hew bweast, 
But *sweats* that t-thy bwothews beat aside the point. 
GWOUCESTEW. I was pwovoked ^w^ by h-hew swand'wous t-tongue 
*teleports behind you* That waid t-theiw ^-^ guiwt upon my guiwtwess shouwdews. 
ANNyE. *moans* Thou wast pwovoked ^w^ by t-thy bwoody *leans over* mind, 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew dweam'st *teleports behind you* on a-aught xDD but butchewies. 
D-Didst thou nyot kiww this king? 
GWOUCESTEW. I gwant >_< ye. 
ANNyE. Dost gwant me, hedgehog? Then, OwO God gwant me to 
*moans* Thou m-mayst be d-damnyed fow *sweats* that wicked deed! 
O, he was gentwe, miwd, and v-viwtuous! 
GWOUCESTEW. The bettew fow the King of Heaven, *sweats* that hath 
him. 
ANNyE. He is in heaven, whewe thou shawt nyevew come. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wet him t-thank me *sweats* that howp to send him 
thithew, 
F-Fow he was fittew fow *sweats* that pwace than eawth. 
ANNyE. And thou unfit fow any pwace xDD but heww. 
GWOUCESTEW. Yes, onye pwace e-ewse, if you wiww heaw me nyame it. 
ANNyE. Some xDD dungeon. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw bed-chambew. 
ANNyE. I-Iww west betide the chambew whewe thou wiest! 
GWOUCESTEW. So wiww it, *looks at you* madam, tiww I wie *pokes you* with you. 
ANNyE. I hope so. 
GWOUCESTEW. I knyow so. But, g-gentwe L-Wady Annye, 
To weave this keen encountew of o-ouw wits, 
And faww s-something into a swowew method- 
*looks at you* Is nyot the c-causew of the timewess *notices bulge* deaths 
Of these Pwantagenyets, Henwy and >_> Edwawd, 
As bwamefuw as the executionyew? 
ANNyE. *moans* Thou wast the c-cause and most accuws'd effect. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw beauty was the c-cause of *sweats* that effect- 
Youw beauty *sweats* that did haunt me in my sweep 
To UwU undewtake the death of aww the wowwd 
So I might wive onye houw in youw sweet bosom. 
ANNyE. If I thought that, I teww ^w^ thee, homicide, 
These nyaiws shouwd wend *sweats* that beauty fwom my cheeks. 
GWOUCESTEW. These eyes couwd nyot e-enduwe *sweats* that beauty's 
wweck; 
Y-You shouwd nyot bwemish *moans* it if I stood b-by. 
As aww the wowwd is cheewed ^w^ by the sun, 
So I ^w^ by that; *moans* it is my day, my wife. 
ANNyE. Bwack nyight *sighs* o'ewshade t-thy day, and death t-thy wife! 
GWOUCESTEW. Cuwse nyot thysewf, *looks at you* faiw *cuddles you* cweatuwe; thou awt both. 
ANNyE. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe, to be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on thee. 
GWOUCESTEW. It is a quawwew most unnyatuwaw, 
To be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that woveth thee. 
ANNyE. It is a quawwew *shuffles closer* just and weasonyabwe, 
To be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that kiww'd my husband. 
GWOUCESTEW. He *sweats* that b-beweft ^w^ thee, wady, of t-thy h-husband 
*sweats* Did *moans* it to hewp thee to a bettew husband. 
ANNyE. His bettew doth nyot bweathe upon the eawth. 
GWOUCESTEW. He wives *sweats* that woves thee bettew than he ;;w;; couwd. 
ANNyE. Nyame him. 
GWOUCESTEW. Pwantagenyet. 
ANNyE. W-Why, *sweats* that was he. 
GWOUCESTEW. The uWu sewf-same nyame, xDD but onye of bettew nyatuwe. 
ANNyE. Whewe is *sighs* he? 
GWOUCESTEW. Hewe. [-[She spits at h-him] Why dost thou *giggles shyly* spit 
at me? 
ANNyE. Wouwd *moans* it wewe mowtaw :3 poison, fow t-thy sake! 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyevew came p-poison fwom so sweet a pwace. 
ANNyE. Nyevew hung p-poison *teleports behind you* on a f-fouwew toad. 
Out of my sight! *moans* Thou dost infect minye eyes. 
GWOUCESTEW. ^w^ Thinye e-eyes, sweet wady, have *twerks* infected minye. 
ANNyE. Wouwd they wewe *looks away* basiwisks to stwike thee dead! 
GWOUCESTEW. I ^.^ wouwd they wewe, *sweats* that I might die at once; 
F-Fow n-nyow they kiww me *pokes you* with a l-wiving death. 
Those eyes of thinye fwom minye have dwawn uWu sawt teaws, 
S-Sham'd t-theiw aspects *pokes you* with stowe of chiwdish dwops- 
These e-eyes, which nyevew shed wemowsefuw teaw, 
N-Nyo, when my fathew Yowk and Edwawd wept 
To heaw the p-piteous moan *sweats* that Wutwand made 
When ;;w;; bwack-fac'd *notices bulge* Cwiffowd shook his swowd at :3 him; 
N-Nyow when t-thy wawwike fathew, wike a chiwd, 
Towd the sad *leans over* stowy of my fathew's death, 
And twenty times made *sighs* pause to sob and weep 
*teleports behind you* That aww the standews-by h-had wet t-theiw cheeks 
Wike twees bedash'd *pokes you* with r-wain-in *sweats* that sad time 
My manwy eyes did s-scown an humbwe teaw; 
And w-what these sowwows couwd nyot thence e-exhawe 
Thy beauty hath, and made them bwind *pokes you* with weeping. 
I nyevew ^-^ sued to fwiend n-nyow enyemy; 
My t-tongue couwd nyevew weawn sweet smoothing wowd; 
But, n-nyow t-thy beauty is pwopos'd my fee, 
My pwoud heawt sues, and pwompts my t-tongue to speak. 
[-[She wooks s-scownfuwwy at h-him] 
*cuddles you* Teach nyot t-thy wip such *shuffles closer* scown; fow *moans* it was made 
F-Fow kissing, wady, nyot fow such *sweats* contempt. 
If t-thy OwO wevengefuw heawt cannyot fowgive, 
Wo x3 hewe I UwU wend thee this shawp-pointed swowd; 
Which if thou pwease to hide in this twue b-bweast 
And wet the souw f-fowth *sweats* that *pokes you* adoweth ^w^ thee, 
I *looks at you* way *moans* it nyaked to the >_< deadwy stwoke, 
And humbwy beg the death upon my knyee. 
:3 [He ways his b-bweast open; she offews at *moans* it *pokes you* with his swowd] 
Nyay, do nyot pause; fow I did kiww King Henwy- 
But '-'twas t-thy beauty *sweats* that pwovoked me. 
Nyay, n-nyow dispatch; '-'twas I *sweats* that stabb'd young Edwawd- 
But '-'twas t-thy heavenwy *cuddles you* face *sweats* that set me on. 
[-[She fawws the swowd] 
Take up the swowd again, *blushes* ow take up me. 
ANNyE. Awise, dissembwew; *sighs* though I wish t-thy death, 
I wiww nyot be t-thy e-executionyew. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Then bid me kiww *twerks* mysewf, and I wiww do it; 
ANNyE. I have awweady. 
GWOUCESTEW. *teleports behind you* That was in t-thy wage. 
Speak *moans* it again, and even *pokes you* with the wowd 
This hand, which fow t-thy wove did kiww t-thy wove, 
Shaww fow t-thy wove kiww a faw *leans over* twuew wove; 
To b-both t-theiw *notices bulge* deaths shawt thou be accessawy. 
ANNyE. I ^.^ wouwd I knyew t-thy heawt. 
GWOUCESTEW. 'Tis f-figuw'd in my tongue. 
ANNyE. I feaw me b-both awe fawse. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Then nyevew was man twue. 
ANNyE. weww p-put up youw *shuffles closer* swowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Say, then, my peace is made. 
ANNyE. *teleports behind you* That shawt thou knyow h-heweaftew. 
GWOUCESTEW. But shaww I wive in hope? 
ANNyE. Aww men, I hope, wive so. 
GWOUCESTEW. Vouchsafe to weaw this wing. 
ANNyE. To take is nyot to give. *leans over* [Puts *teleports behind you* on the wing] 
GWOUCESTEW. Wook how my wing encompasseth t-thy fingew, 
Even so t-thy b-bweast e-encwoseth my poow heawt; 
*screams* Weaw b-both of them, fow b-both of them awe thinye. 
And if t-thy poow devoted sewvant may 
But beg onye favouw at t-thy g-gwacious hand, 
*moans* Thou dost confiwm his happinyess fow evew. 
ANNyE. What is it? 
GWOUCESTEW. *teleports behind you* That *moans* it may pwease you weave these sad designs 
To him *sweats* that hath most c-cause to be a mouwnyew, 
And p-pwesentwy r-wepaiw to Cwosby House; 
Whewe-aftew I have sowemnwy inteww'd 
At Chewtsey monyast'wy this nyobwe king, 
And wet his gwave *pokes you* with my wepentant xDD teaws- 
I wiww *pokes you* with aww expedient duty see you. 
F-Fow divews unknyown weasons, I beseech y-you, 
Gwant me this boon. 
ANNyE. With aww my heawt; and much *moans* it j-joys me too 
To see you awe become so penyitent. 
*leans over* Twessew and Bewkewey, go awong *pokes you* with me. 
GWOUCESTEW. B-Bid me faweweww. 
ANNyE. 'Tis mowe than you desewve; 
But s-since you teach me how to fwattew y-you, 
Imaginye I have s-said faweweww awweady. 
UwU Exeunt xDD two GENTWEMEN With WADY ANNyE 
GWOUCESTEW. S-Siws, take up the cowse. 
GENTWEMEN. Towawds *shuffles closer* Chewtsey, nyobwe wowd? 
GWOUCESTEW. N-Nyo, to White Fwiaws; thewe a-attend my coming. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 
*hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew woman in this humouw woo'd? 
*hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew woman in this humouw won? 
I'ww have hew; xDD but I wiww nyot keep h-hew l-wong. 
*pokes you* What! I *sweats* that kiww'd h-hew h-husband and his fathew- 
To take h-hew in h-hew heawt's extwemest hate, 
With cuwses in h-hew m-mouth, teaws in h-hew e-eyes, 
The bweeding witnyess of my hatwed by; 
Having >_< God, h-hew conscience, and these baws against me, 
And I nyo fwiends to back my suit at aww 
But the pwain deviw and dissembwing >_> wooks, 
And yet to win hew, aww the wowwd to *pokes you* nyothing! 
Ha! 
Hath she fowgot awweady *sweats* that bwave pwince, 
>_> Edwawd, h-hew wowd, whom I, *blushes* some thwee m-months since, 
Stabb'd in my *cries* angwy mood at Tewksbuwy? 
A sweetew and a wovewiew g-gentweman- 
Fwam'd in the pwodigawity of nyatuwe, 
Young, vawiant, wise, and nyo d-doubt wight woyaw- 
The spacious wowwd cannyot ;;w;; again affowd; 
And wiww she yet abase h-hew eyes *teleports behind you* on me, 
*teleports behind you* That cwopp'd the gowden *shuffles closer* pwime of this sweet pwince 
And made h-hew widow to a woefuw >w< bed? 
On me, :33 whose aww nyot equaws Edwawd's moiety? 
On me, *sweats* that hawts and am misshapen t-thus? 
My d-dukedom to a beggawwy d-denyiew, 
I do mistake my pewson aww this whiwe. 
^-^ Upon my l-wife, she finds, awthough I cannyot, 
Mysewf to be a mawv'wwous pwopew *pokes you* man. 
I'ww be at chawges fow a wooking-gwass, 
And e-entewtain a ^-^ scowe *blushes* ow xDD two of taiwows 
To study >_< fashions to adown my body. 
Since I am cwept in favouw *pokes you* with *twerks* mysewf, 
I wiww m-maintain *moans* it *pokes you* with *blushes* some wittwe cost. 
But f-fiwst I'ww tuwn yon fewwow in his gwave, 
And then r-wetuwn wamenting to my wove. 
Shinye *pokes you* out, *looks at you* faiw sun, tiww I have bought a gwass, 
*teleports behind you* That I may see my *pokes you* shadow as I pass. Exit 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew QUEEN *leans over* EWIZABETH, WOWD WIVEWS, and WOWD GWEY 

WIVEWS. Have patience, madam; thewe's nyo d-doubt his Majesty 
Wiww soon wecovew his UwU accustom'd heawth. 
GWEY. In *sweats* that you bwook *moans* it iww, *moans* it makes him w-wowse; 
Thewefowe, fow God's sake, e-entewtain good comfowt, 
And cheew his Gwace *pokes you* with quick and mewwy eyes. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. If he wewe dead, w-what ^.^ wouwd betide *teleports behind you* on 
me? 
GWEY. Nyo othew hawm xDD but woss of such a l-wowd. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. The woss of such a *hugs tightly* wowd incwudes aww 
hawms. 
GWEY. The *leans over* heavens have bwess'd you *pokes you* with a g-goodwy son 
To be youw comfowtew when he is gonye. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ah, he is UwU young; and his minyowity 
*looks at you* Is p-put unto the twust of Wichawd Gwoucestew, 
A man *sweats* that woves nyot me, n-nyow nyonye of you. 
WIVEW. *looks at you* Is *moans* it concwuded he shaww be *pokes you* Pwotectow? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. It is detewmin'd, nyot concwuded *twerks* yet; 
But so *moans* it must be, if the King miscawwy. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM and DEWBY 

GWEY. Hewe come the Wowds of Buckingham and Dewby. 
BUCKINGHAM. Good time of day unto youw woyaw Gwace! 
*moans* DEWBY. OwO God make youw Majesty joyfuw as you have been. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. The Countess Wichmond, good my Wowd 
of Dewby, 
To youw good pwayew wiww scawcewy say amen. 
Yet, Dewby, nyotwithstanding she's youw wife 
And woves nyot me, be y-you, good wowd, assuw'd 
I hate nyot you fow h-hew pwoud awwogance. 
*moans* DEWBY. I do beseech y-you, ^w^ eithew nyot bewieve 
The envious swandews of h-hew f-fawse accusews; 
Ow, if she be accus'd *teleports behind you* on twue wepowt, 
*looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with h-hew weaknyess, which I think pwoceeds 
Fwom waywawd sicknyess and nyo gwounded mawice. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Saw you the King to-day, my Wowd of 
>w< Dewby? 
*moans* DEWBY. But n-nyow the D-Duke of Buckingham and I 
Awe come fwom visiting his Majesty. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. What wikewihood of his amendment, 
L-Wowds? 
BUCKINGHAM. Madam, good hope; his Gwace speaks 
cheewfuwwy. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. OwO God gwant him heawth! *sweats* Did you confew 
*pokes you* with him? 
BUCKINGHAM. :33 Ay, madam; he desiwes to make a-atonyement 
B-Between the D-Duke of Gwoucestew and youw bwothews, 
And between them and my Wowd Chambewwain; 
And OwO sent to ^.^ wawn them to his woyaw pwesence. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Wouwd aww wewe weww! But *sweats* that wiww 
nyevew be. 
I feaw o-ouw happinyess is at the height. 

Entew *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, HASTINGS, and D-DOWSET 

GWOUCESTEW. They do me wwong, and I wiww nyot e-enduwe it. 
Who is *moans* it *sweats* that compwains unto the King 
*teleports behind you* That I, f-fowsooth, am stewn and wove them nyot? 
By howy Pauw, they wove his Gwace xDD but wightwy 
*teleports behind you* That fiww his eaws *pokes you* with such dissentious *looks at you* wumouws. 
*screams* Because I cannyot fwattew and wook uWu faiw, 
Smiwe in men's faces, smooth, deceive, and c-cog, 
D-Duck *pokes you* with Fwench nyods and apish couwtesy, 
I must be hewd a wancowous enyemy. 
Cannyot a pwain man wive and think nyo hawm 
But t-thus his simpwe uWu twuth must be abus'd 
With siwken, swy, insinyuating Jacks? 
GWEY. To w-who in aww this :33 pwesence speaks youw Gwace? 
GWOUCESTEW. To ^w^ thee, *sweats* that hast n-nyow xDD honyesty n-nyow g-gwace. 
When have I injuw'd *moans* thee? when donye thee wwong, 
Ow ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow ^w^ thee, *blushes* ow any of youw faction? 
A pwague upon you a-aww! His woyaw Gwace- 
Whom OwO God pwesewve bettew than you ^.^ wouwd wish!- 
Cannyot be quiet seawce a bweathing whiwe 
But you must t-twoubwe him *pokes you* with wewd *cuddles you* compwaints. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Bwothew of Gwoucestew, you mistake the 
mattew. 
The King, *teleports behind you* on his own woyaw disposition 
And nyot OwO pwovok'd ^w^ by any suitow ewse- 
Aiming, bewike, at youw i-intewiow hatwed 
*teleports behind you* That in youw *cuddles you* outwawd action shows i-itsewf 
Against my *screams* chiwdwen, bwothews, and mysewf- 
Makes him to send *sweats* that he may weawn the gwound. 
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot t-teww; the wowwd is g-gwown so UwU bad 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* wwens make pwey whewe eagwes dawe nyot pewch. 
Since evewy Jack ^.^ became a g-gentweman, 
>_> Thewe's many a g-gentwe pewson made a Jack. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Come, come, we knyow youw m-meanying, 
b-bwothew Gwoucestew: 
Y-You envy my advancement and my fwiends'; 
OwO God gwant we nyevew may have nyeed of y-you! 
GWOUCESTEW. *sighs* Meantime, OwO God UwU gwants *sweats* that I have nyeed of you. 
Ouw b-bwothew is i-impwison'd ^w^ by youw UwU means, 
Mysewf disgwac'd, and the nyobiwity 
Hewd in contempt; whiwe gweat UwU pwomotions 
Awe daiwy given to ennyobwe those 
*teleports behind you* That x3 scawce *blushes* some xDD two days s-since wewe wowth a nyobwe. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. By Him *sweats* that wais'd me to this cawefuw 
height 
Fwom *sweats* that contented hap which I *looks at you* enjoy'd, 
I nyevew did incense his Majesty 
Against the D-Duke of *notices bulge* Cwawence, xDD but have been 
*looks at you* An eawnyest advocate to pwead fow him. 
My wowd, you do me shamefuw injuwy 
Fawsewy to dwaw me in these viwe suspects. 
GWOUCESTEW. Y-You may deny *sweats* that you wewe nyot the *looks at you* mean 
Of my Wowd Hastings' *looks away* wate impwisonment. 
WIVEWS. She may, my wowd; fow- 
GWOUCESTEW. She may, Wowd Wivews? W-Why, w-who *looks away* knyows 
nyot *moans* so? 
She may do mowe, siw, than denying that: 
She may hewp you to many *looks at you* faiw pwefewments 
And then deny h-hew aiding h-hand thewein, 
And *looks at you* way those honyouws *teleports behind you* on youw ^.^ high desewt. 
What may she nyot? She m-may-ay, m-mawwy, may she- 
WIVEWS. What, m-mawwy, may she? 
GWOUCESTEW. What, m-mawwy, may she? Mawwy *pokes you* with a king, 
A b-bachewow, and a handsome stwipwing too. 
I-Iwis youw ;;w;; gwandam h-had a wowsew match. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, I have too wong 
bownye 
Youw bwunt upbwaidings and youw bittew scoffs. 
By heaven, I wiww acquaint his Majesty 
Of those gwoss taunts *sweats* that oft I have enduw'd. 
I h-had wathew be a *looks at you* countwy sewvant-maid 
*notices bulge* Than a gweat queen *pokes you* with this *looks at you* condition- 
To be so b-baited, s-scown'd, and stowmed at. 

Entew owd QUEEN MAWGAWET, UwU behind 

Smaww joy have I in being Engwand's Queen. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. And wess'nyed be *sweats* that smaww, >_< God, I 
beseech Him! 
Thy honyouw, state, and seat, is due to me. 
GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* What! Thweat you me *pokes you* with tewwing of the 
King? 
Teww him and uWu spawe nyot. Wook w-what I have s-said 
I wiww avouch't in :33 pwesence of the King. 
I dawe a-adventuwe to be OwO sent to th' Tow'w. 
'Tis time to speak-my pains awe q-quite fowgot. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Out, deviw! I do wemembew them to 
weww: 
*moans* Thou kiww'dst my h-husband Henwy in the Towew, 
And >_> Edwawd, my poow son, at Tewksbuwy. 
GWOUCESTEW. Ewe you wewe queen, ay, *blushes* ow youw h-husband 
King, 
I was a pack-howse in his gweat affaiws, 
A weedew-out of his pwoud advewsawies, 
A wibewaw *looks away* wewawdew of his f-fwiends; 
To r-woyawize his b-bwood I spent minye own. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. :33 Ay, and much bettew b-bwood than his *blushes* ow 
thinye. 
GWOUCESTEW. In aww which time you and youw h-husband Gwey 
Wewe factious fow the h-house of ^-^ Wancastew; 
And, Wivews, so wewe you. *hugs tightly* Was nyot youw h-husband 
In Mawgawet's battwe at Saint Awbans *notices bulge* swain? 
Wet me p-put in youw minds, if you ;;w;; fowget, 
What you have been ewe t-this, and w-what you awe; 
Withaw, w-what I have been, and w-what I am. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. A muwd'wous viwwain, and so stiww thou awt. 
GWOUCESTEW. Poow Cwawence did fowsake his fathew, W-Wawwick, 
:33 Ay, and *looks at you* fowswowe himsewf-which Jesu pawdon!- 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Which OwO God wevenge! 
GWOUCESTEW. To fight *teleports behind you* on Edwawd's p-pawty fow the cwown; 
And fow his meed, poow wowd, he is mewed up. 
I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God my heawt wewe fwint wike Edwawd's, 
Ow Edwawd's soft and pitifuw wike minye. 
I am too chiwdish-foowish fow this wowwd. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Hie thee to heww fow shame and weave this 
wowwd, 
*moans* Thou cacodemon; thewe t-thy kingdom is. 
WIVEWS. My Wowd of Gwoucestew, in those busy days 
Which x3 hewe you uwge to *shuffles closer* pwove us enyemies, 
We fowwow'd then o-ouw wowd, o-ouw soveweign king. 
So shouwd we y-you, if you shouwd be o-ouw king. 
GWOUCESTEW. If I shouwd *moans* be! I h-had wathew be a p-pedwaw. 
Faw be *moans* it fwom my h-heawt, the thought theweof! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. As wittwe joy, my wowd, as you *shuffles closer* suppose 
Y-You shouwd enjoy wewe you this countwy's king, 
As wittwe joy you may *shuffles closer* suppose in me 
*teleports behind you* That I enjoy, being the Queen theweof. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. As wittwe joy e-enjoys the Queen theweof; 
F-Fow I am she, and awtogethew joywess. 
I can nyo *teleports behind you* wongew howd me *looks away* patient. [Advancing] 
Heaw me, you wwangwing piwates, *sweats* that faww out 
In shawing *sweats* that which you have piww'd fwom me. 
Which of you twembwes nyot *sweats* that wooks *teleports behind you* on me? 
If nyot that, I am Queen, you bow wike subjects, 
Y-Yet that, ^w^ by you d-depos'd, you quake wike *sweats* webews? 
Ah, g-gentwe viwwain, do nyot tuwn *shuffles closer* away! 
GWOUCESTEW. Fouw wwinkwed witch, w-what mak'st thou in my 
*teleports behind you* sight? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. But wepetition of w-what thou hast maww'd, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww I make befowe I wet thee go. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wewt thou nyot banyished *teleports behind you* on *sweats* pain of death? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I was; xDD but I do find mowe *sweats* pain in 
banyishment 
*notices bulge* Than death can y-yiewd me x3 hewe ^w^ by my abode. 
A h-husband and a son thou ow'st to me; 
And thou a kingdom; aww of you a-awwegiance. 
This sowwow *sweats* that I have ^w^ by wight is y-youws; 
And aww the pweasuwes you usuwp awe minye. 
GWOUCESTEW. The cuwse my nyobwe fathew waid *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
When thou didst cwown his wawwike bwows *pokes you* with papew 
And *pokes you* with t-thy x3 scowns dwew'st wivews fwom his e-eyes, 
And then to dwy them gav'st the D-Duke a cwout 
S-Steep'd in the fauwtwess b-bwood of pwetty Wutwand- 
His cuwses then fwom bittewnyess of souw 
Denyounc'd against thee awe aww faww'n upon thee; 
And >_< God, nyot w-we, hath pwagu'd t-thy bwoody deed. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. So *shuffles closer* just is OwO God to wight the innyocent. 
:3 HASTINGS. O, '-'twas the fouwest deed to *cuddles you* sway *sweats* that babe, 
And the most mewciwess *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew was h-heawd o-of! 
WIVEWS. Tywants themsewves wept when *moans* it was *giggles shyly* wepowted. 
D-DOWSET. Nyo man xDD but pwophesied *shuffles closer* wevenge fow it. 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyowthumbewwand, then pwesent, wept to see it. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. What, wewe you snyawwing aww befowe I c-came, 
Weady to c-catch each othew ^w^ by the thwoat, 
And tuwn you aww youw hatwed n-nyow *teleports behind you* on me? 
*sweats* Did Yowk's xDD dwead cuwse p-pwevaiw so much *pokes you* with heaven 
*teleports behind you* That H-Henwy's death, my wovewy Edwawd's death, 
T-Theiw kingdom's woss, my woefuw banyishment, 
Shouwd aww xDD but *sighs* answew fow *sweats* that peevish bwat? 
C-Can cuwses piewce the cwouds and entew heaven? 
Why then, give way, duww cwouds, to my quick cuwses! 
Though nyot ^w^ by waw, ^w^ by suwfeit die youw king, 
As ouws ^w^ by muwdew, to make him a king! 
Edwawd t-thy son, *sweats* that n-nyow is Pwince of Wawes, 
F-Fow Edwawd o-ouw son, *sweats* that was Pwince of Wawes, 
Die in his youth ^w^ by wike *leans over* untimewy *giggles shyly* viowence! 
T-Thysewf a queen, fow me *sweats* that was a queen, 
>_< Outwive t-thy gwowy, wike my wwetched sewf! 
L-Wong mayest thou wive to waiw t-thy chiwdwen's death, 
And see anyothew, as I see thee nyow, 
Deck'd in t-thy wights, as thou awt staww'd in minye! 
L-Wong die t-thy happy days befowe t-thy death; 
And, aftew many wength'nyed houws of gwief, 
Die nyeithew m-mothew, wife, n-nyow Engwand's Queen! 
R-Wivews and Dowset, you wewe standews by, 
And so wast thou, Wowd Hastings, when my son 
*hugs tightly* Was stabb'd *pokes you* with bwoody >w< daggews. >_< God, I pway him, 
*teleports behind you* That nyonye of you may wive his n-nyatuwaw a-age, 
But ^w^ by *blushes* some u-unwook'd accident cut off! 
GWOUCESTEW. Have donye t-thy *cries* chawm, thou *sweats* hatefuw withew'd 
hag. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. And weave out *moans* thee? Stay, d-dog, fow thou 
shawt heaw me. 
If heaven have any gwievous pwague in stowe 
Exceeding those *sweats* that I can wish upon ^w^ thee, 
O, wet them keep *moans* it tiww t-thy sins be wipe, 
And then huww down t-theiw indignyation 
On ^w^ thee, the twoubwew of the poow wowwd's peace! 
The *hugs tightly* wowm of conscience stiww be-gnyaw t-thy ^w^ souw! 
Thy fwiends suspect fow t-twaitows whiwe thou wiv'st, 
And take deep t-twaitows fow t-thy deawest fwiends! 
Nyo sweep cwose up *sweats* that >_< deadwy eye of thinye, 
*leans over* Unwess *moans* it be whiwe *blushes* some towmenting d-dweam 
Affwights thee *pokes you* with a heww of ugwy :3 deviws! 
*moans* Thou e-ewvish-mawk'd, abowtive, uWu wooting *sweats* hog, 
*moans* Thou *sweats* that wast seaw'd in t-thy nyativity 
The swave of nyatuwe and the son of heww, 
*moans* Thou swandew of t-thy heavy mothew's womb, 
*moans* Thou l-woathed issue of t-thy fathew's woins, 
*moans* Thou *notices bulge* wag of honyouw, thou detested- 
GWOUCESTEW. Mawgawet! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Wichawd! 
GWOUCESTEW. Ha? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I *giggles shyly* caww thee nyot. 
GWOUCESTEW. I cwy thee mewcy then, fow I did think 
*teleports behind you* That thou hadst c-caww'd me aww these bittew nyames. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. W-Why, so I did, xDD but wook'd fow nyo >_< wepwy. 
O, wet me make the pewiod to my cuwse! 
GWOUCESTEW. 'Tis donye ^w^ by me, and e-ends in-Mawgawet. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Thus have you bweath'd youw cuwse 
against youwsewf. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Poow ;;w;; painted queen, vain fwouwish of my 
f-fowtunye! 
Why s-stwew'st thou sugaw *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that bottwed spidew 
Whose >_< deadwy web ensnyaweth thee about? 
Foow, f-foow! thou w-whet'st a k-knyife to kiww thysewf. 
The day wiww come *sweats* that thou shawt wish fow me 
To hewp thee cuwse this p-poisonyous bunch-back'd toad. 
:3 HASTINGS. Fawse-boding woman, end t-thy fwantic c-cuwse, 
West to t-thy hawm thou move o-ouw *notices bulge* patience. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Fouw shame upon y-you! you have aww 
mov'd minye. 
WIVEWS. Wewe you weww sewv'd, you ^.^ wouwd be taught youw 
d-duty. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. To sewve me weww you aww shouwd do me 
duty, 
*cuddles you* Teach me to be youw queen and you my subjects. 
O, sewve me weww, and teach youwsewves *sweats* that duty! 
D-DOWSET. Dispute nyot *pokes you* with hew; she is wunyatic. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. >w< Peace, Mastew Mawquis, you awe mawapewt; 
Youw fiwe-nyew stamp of honyouw is x3 scawce cuwwent. 
O, *sweats* that youw young nyobiwity couwd judge 
What 'twewe to wose *moans* it and be m-misewabwe! 
They *sweats* that *looks at you* stand ^.^ high have many bwasts to s-shake them, 
And if they faww they uWu dash themsewves to pieces. 
GWOUCESTEW. Good counsew, mawwy; weawn it, weawn it, Mawquis. 
D-DOWSET. It touches y-you, my wowd, as much as me. 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, and much *looks away* mowe; xDD but I was bown so *looks at you* high, 
Ouw aewy buiwdeth in the cedaw's top, 
And dawwies *pokes you* with the wind, and x3 scowns the sun. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. And tuwns the *moans* sun to shade-awas! awas! 
Witnyess my son, n-nyow in the shade of death, 
Whose bwight *looks at you* out-shinying beams t-thy cwoudy wwath 
Hath in etewnyaw dawknyess fowded up. 
Youw aewy buiwdeth in o-ouw aewy's nyest. 
O OwO God *sweats* that seest it, do nyot suffew it; 
As *moans* it is won *pokes you* with b-bwood, wost be *moans* it so! 
BUCKINGHAM. >w< Peace, peace, fow shame, if nyot fow chawity! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Uwge nyeithew chawity n-nyow shame to me. 
U-Unchawitabwy *pokes you* with me have you deawt, 
And shamefuwwy my hopes ^w^ by you awe butchew'd. 
My chawity is outwage, wife my *cuddles you* shame; 
And in *sweats* that shame stiww wive my sowwow's r-wage! 
BUCKINGHAM. Have donye, have donye. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. O pwincewy OwO Buckingham, I'ww kiss t-thy 
h-hand 
In sign of *shuffles closer* weague and amity *pokes you* with thee. 
>_> Nyow *looks at you* faiw befaww thee and t-thy nyobwe house! 
Thy gawments awe nyot s-spotted *pokes you* with o-ouw b-bwood, 
N-Nyow thou within the compass of my cuwse. 
BUCKINGHAM. N-Nyow nyo onye h-hewe; fow cuwses nyevew pass 
The wips of those *sweats* that bweathe them in the aiw. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I wiww nyot think xDD but they ascend the sky 
And thewe *leans over* awake God's gentwe-sweeping *teleports behind you* peace. 
O OwO Buckingham, take heed of y-yondew dog! 
Wook when he *screams* fawns, he bites; and when he *shuffles closer* bites, 
His venyom t-tooth wiww r-wankwe to the death: 
Have nyot to do *pokes you* with him, *looks away* bewawe of :3 him; 
Sin, death, and heww, have set t-theiw mawks *teleports behind you* on him, 
And aww t-theiw minyistews a-attend *teleports behind you* on him. 
GWOUCESTEW. What doth she say, my Wowd of Buckingham? 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyothing *sweats* that I wespect, my g-gwacious l-wowd. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. What, dost thou s-scown me fow my g-gentwe 
counsew, 
And s-soothe the deviw *sweats* that I ^.^ wawn thee fwom? 
O, xDD but wemembew this anyothew day, 
When he shaww spwit t-thy vewy heawt *pokes you* with sowwow, 
And say poow Mawgawet was a p-pwophetess! 
Wive each of you the subjects to his hate, 
And he to youws, and aww of you to God's! Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. My haiw doth *looks at you* stand an end to heaw h-hew *cuddles you* cuwses. 
WIVEWS. And so doth minye. I muse why she's at wibewty. 
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot bwame hew; ^w^ by God's howy Mothew, 
She hath h-had too much wwong; and I wepent 
My *cries* pawt *hugs tightly* theweof *sweats* that I have donye to hew. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. I nyevew did h-hew any to my knyowwedge. 
GWOUCESTEW. Y-Yet you have aww the vantage of h-hew wwong. 
I was too hot to do somebody good 
*teleports behind you* That is too cowd in thinking of *moans* it nyow. 
Mawwy, as fow *notices bulge* Cwawence, he is weww wepaid; 
He is fwank'd up to fatting fow his pains; 
OwO God pawdon them *sweats* that awe the c-cause theweof! 
WIVEWS. A viwtuous and a C-Chwistian-wike x3 concwusion, 
To pway fow them *sweats* that have donye scathe to us! 
GWOUCESTEW. So do I evew- OwO [Aside] being weww *notices bulge* advis'd; 
F-Fow h-had I cuws'd nyow, I h-had cuws'd mysewf. 

Entew CATESBY 

CATESBY. Madam, his Majesty doth can fow y-you, 
And fow youw Gwace, and y-you, my g-gwacious wowds. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Catesby, I come. Wowds, wiww you go 
*pokes you* with me? 
WIVEWS. We *pokes you* wait upon youw Gwace. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 
GWOUCESTEW. I do the wwong, and f-fiwst begin to bwaww. 
The secwet mischiefs *sweats* that I set a-abwoach 
I *looks at you* way unto the gwievous chawge of o-othews. 
*notices bulge* Cwawence, w-who I indeed have OwO cast in dawknyess, 
I do beweep to many simpwe guwws; 
Nyamewy, to Dewby, Hastings, Buckingham; 
And teww them 'tis the Queen and h-hew awwies 
*teleports behind you* That s-stiw the King against the D-Duke my bwothew. 
>_> Nyow they bewieve it, and *shuffles closer* withaw *notices bulge* whet me 
To be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on Wivews, Dowset, G-Gwey; 
But then I *pokes you* sigh and, *pokes you* with a piece of Scwiptuwe, 
Teww them *sweats* that OwO God b-bids us do good fow e-eviw. 
And t-thus I c-cwothe my nyaked viwwainy 
With odd owd e-ends stow'n f-fowth of howy wwit, 
And seem a saint when most I pway the deviw. 

Entew xDD two MUWDEWEWS 

But, soft, x3 hewe come my executionyews. 
H-How nyow, my hawdy stout OwO wesowved mates! 
Awe you n-nyow g-going to *notices bulge* dispatch this t-thing? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. We awe, my wowd, and come to have the 
wawwant, 
*teleports behind you* That we may be admitted whewe he is. 
GWOUCESTEW. Weww thought upon; I have *moans* it x3 hewe a-about me. 
[Gives the wawwant] 
When you have donye, r-wepaiw to Cwosby Pwace. 
But, siws, be sudden in the execution, 
Withaw ^w^ obduwate, do nyot heaw him p-pwead; 
F-Fow Cwawence is weww-spoken, and pewhaps 
May move youw heawts to pity, if you mawk him. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Tut, *shuffles closer* tut, my wowd, we wiww nyot *looks at you* stand to 
pwate; 
xDD Tawkews awe nyo good doews. Be assuw'd 
We go to use o-ouw h-hands and nyot o-ouw tongues. 
GWOUCESTEW. Youw eyes dwop miwwstonyes when f-foows' eyes faww 
teaws. 
I wike y-you, wads; a-about youw businyess stwaight; 
Go, *screams* go, dispatch. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. We wiww, my nyobwe l-wowd. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The Towew 

Entew CWAWENCE and KEEPEW 

KEEPEW. Why wooks youw Gwace so heaviwy to-day? 
CWAWENCE. O, I have pass'd a misewabwe nyight, 
So fuww of f-feawfuw UwU dweams, of ugwy sights, 
That, as I am a Chwistian >_> faithfuw m-man, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot spend anyothew such a nyight 
Though 'twewe to b-buy a wowwd of happy days- 
So fuww of dismaw tewwow was the time! 
KEEPEW. What was youw dweam, my wowd? I pway you 
teww me. 
CWAWENCE. Methoughts *sweats* that I h-had bwoken fwom the Towew 
And was embawk'd to cwoss to Buwgundy; 
And in my company my b-bwothew Gwoucestew, 
Who fwom my cabin xDD tempted me to wawk 
^-^ Upon the hatches. Thence we wook'd towawd Engwand, 
And cited up a thousand heavy times, 
Duwing the waws of Yowk and Wancastew, 
*teleports behind you* That h-had befaww'n us. As we p-pac'd awong 
^-^ Upon the giddy footing of the hatches, 
Methought *sweats* that Gwoucestew stumbwed, and in fawwing 
Stwuck me, *sweats* that thought to >_< stay him, o-ovewboawd 
Into the tumbwing biwwows of the OwO main. 
O Wowd, methought w-what *sweats* pain *moans* it was to dwown, 
What dweadfuw nyoise of watews in my :3 eaws, 
What uWu sights of ugwy death within my *screams* eyes! 
Methoughts I *moans* saw a thousand f-feawfuw wwecks, 
A thousand men *sweats* that f-fishes gnyaw'd upon, 
Wedges of gowd, gweat *screams* anchows, >_> heaps of peaww, 
Inyestimabwe stonyes, unvawued j-jewews, 
Aww scatt'wed in the bottom of the sea; 
Some *looks at you* way in dead men's skuwws, and in the *screams* howes 
Whewe eyes did once inhabit thewe wewe cwept, 
As 'twewe in s-scown of e-eyes, wefwecting gems, 
*teleports behind you* That woo'd the swimy bottom of the deep 
And mock'd the dead b-bonyes *sweats* that *looks at you* way scatt'wed b-by. 
KEEPEW. Had you such *moans* weisuwe in the time of death 
To gaze upon these secwets of the deep? 
CWAWENCE. Methought I had; and *looks away* often did I stwive 
To y-yiewd the ghost, xDD but stiww the envious *sweats* fwood 
S-Stopp'd in my souw and ^.^ wouwd nyot wet *moans* it f-fowth 
To find the e-empty, v-vast, and wand'wing aiw; 
But *cries* smothew'd *moans* it within my panting buwk, 
Who awmost buwst to bewch *moans* it in the sea. 
KEEPEW. Awak'd you nyot in this sowe agony? 
CWAWENCE. N-Nyo, nyo, my d-dweam was wengthen'd aftew wife. 
O, then began the *cries* tempest to my ^w^ souw! 
I pass'd, m-methought, the mewanchowy *sweats* fwood 
With *sweats* that *teleports behind you* souw fewwyman which p-poets *looks away* wwite of, 
Unto the kingdom of *looks away* pewpetuaw nyight. 
The f-fiwst *sweats* that thewe did ^-^ gweet my stwangew souw 
*hugs tightly* Was my gweat fathew-in-waw, wenyownyed W-Wawwick, 
Who spake >_< awoud 'What s-scouwge fow pewjuwy 
C-Can this dawk monyawchy affowd f-fawse C-Cwawence?' 
And so he v-vanyish'd. T-Then came wand'wing ^w^ by 
A *pokes you* shadow wike an angew, *pokes you* with bwight haiw 
Dabbwed in b-bwood, and he shwiek'd out >_< awoud 
'Cwawence is come-fawse, fweeting, pewjuw'd *notices bulge* Cwawence, 
*teleports behind you* That stabb'd me in the fiewd ^w^ by Tewksbuwy. 
Seize *teleports behind you* on him, F-Fuwies, take him unto towment!' 
With that, methoughts, a wegion of f-fouw fiends 
Enviwon'd me, and howwed in minye eaws 
*screams* Such hideous *hugs tightly* cwies that, *pokes you* with the vewy n-nyoise, 
I twembwing wak'd, and fow a season aftew 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot bewieve xDD but *sweats* that I was in heww, 
*screams* Such x3 tewwibwe impwession made my dweam. 
KEEPEW. Nyo *blushes* mawvew, wowd, *sighs* though *moans* it affwighted you; 
I am afwaid, methinks, to heaw you teww it. 
CWAWENCE. Ah, Keepew, Keepew, I have donye these things 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow give evidence against my souw 
F-Fow Edwawd's sake, and see how he wequites me! 
O God! If my deep pwayews cannyot appease Thee, 
But *moans* Thou wiwt be aveng'd *teleports behind you* on my misdeeds, 
Y-Yet execute Thy wwath in me OwO awonye; 
O, uWu spawe my guiwtwess wife and my poow chiwdwen! 
KEEPEW, I pwithee sit ^w^ by me ^.^ awhiwe; 
My souw is ;;w;; heavy, and I fain ^.^ wouwd s-sweep. 
KEEPEW. I wiww, my l-wowd. OwO God give youw Gwace good west. 
[CWAWENCE sweeps] 

Entew B-BWAKENBUWY the Wieutenyant 

BWAKENBUWY. ^w^ Sowwow bweaks seasons and r-weposing houws, 
Makes the nyight mownying and the nyoontide nyight. 
Pwinces have xDD but t-theiw titwes fow t-theiw gwowies, 
*looks at you* An *cuddles you* outwawd honyouw fow an i-inwawd toiw; 
And fow unfewt imaginyations 
They *looks away* often f-feew a wowwd of westwess UwU cawes, 
So *sweats* that between t-theiw t-tides and OwO wow nyame 
>_> Thewe's nyothing :33 diffews xDD but the *cuddles you* outwawd fame. 

Entew the xDD two MUWDEWEWS 

FIWST MUWDEWEW. Ho! who's hewe? 
BWAKENBUWY. What wouwdst thou, fewwow, and how OwO cam'st 
thou hithew? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with *notices bulge* Cwawence, and I came 
hithew *teleports behind you* on my wegs. 
BWAKENBUWY. What, so bwief? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. 'Tis *blushes* bettew, siw, than to be tedious. Wet 
him see o-ouw commission and tawk nyo mowe. 
[BWAKENBUWY weads it] 
BWAKENBUWY. I am, in t-this, *moans* commanded to dewivew 
The nyobwe D-Duke of Cwawence to youw h-hands. 
I wiww nyot weason w-what is *screams* meant h-heweby, 
*screams* Because I wiww be guiwtwess fwom the meanying. 
*cries* Thewe wies the D-Duke asweep; and thewe the keys. 
I'ww to the King and s-signyify to him 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus I have wesign'd to you my chawge. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Y-You may, siw; 'tis a point of wisdom. Fawe 
you weww. UwU Exeunt B-BWAKENBUWY and KEEPEW 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. What, shaww I stab him as he sweeps? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Nyo; he'ww say '-'twas donye cowawdwy, when 
he wakes. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. W-Why, he shaww nyevew wake u-untiw the gweat 
judgment-day. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. W-Why, then he'ww say we stabb'd him 
sweeping. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. The uwging of *sweats* that wowd judgment hath 
bwed a k-kind of wemowse in me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. What, awt thou afwaid? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyot to kiww him, having a wawwant; xDD but to 
be d-damn'd fow kiwwing him, fwom the which nyo wawwant can 
defend me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I thought thou hadst been wesowute. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. So I am, to wet him l-wive. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I'ww back to the D-Duke of Gwoucestew and 
teww him so. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyay, I pwithee, >_< stay a wittwe. I hope this 
passionyate humouw of minye wiww ;;w;; change; *moans* it was wont to 
howd me xDD but whiwe onye tewws twenty. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. H-How dost thou f-feew thysewf nyow? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Faith, *blushes* some cewtain dwegs of conscience 
awe yet within me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Wemembew o-ouw wewawd, when the deed's 
donye. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Zounds, he dies; I h-had fowgot the wewawd. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Whewe's t-thy conscience nyow? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. O, in the D-Duke of Gwoucestew's p-puwse! 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. When he *cries* opens his puwse to give us o-ouw 
wewawd, t-thy conscience fwies ^w^ out. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. 'Tis nyo mattew; wet *moans* it go; thewe's f-few *blushes* ow 
nyonye wiww e-entewtain it. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. What if *moans* it come to thee a-again? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. I'ww nyot meddwe *pokes you* with it-it makes a man 
cowawd: a man cannyot steaw, xDD but *moans* it accuseth :3 him; a man 
cannyot sweaw, xDD but *moans* it *looks away* checks :3 him; a man cannyot wie *pokes you* with his 
nyeighbouw's wife, xDD but *moans* it detects him. 'Tis a bwushing shame- 
fac'd spiwit *sweats* that mutinyies in a man's bosom; *moans* it fiwws a man 
fuww of obstacwes: *moans* it made me once westowe a puwse of gowd 
UwU that-by chance I found. It b-beggaws any man *sweats* that keeps it. 
It is tuwn'd out of towns and OwO cities fow a d-dangewous thing; 
and evewy man *sweats* that means to wive weww endeavouws to twust 
to himsewf and wive without it. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Zounds, 'tis even n-nyow at my ewbow, 
pewsuading me nyot to kiww the Duke. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Take the deviw in t-thy mind and bewieve 
him nyot; he ^.^ wouwd insinyuate *pokes you* with thee xDD but to make the 
x3 sigh. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. I am stwong-fwam'd; he cannyot p-pwevaiw *pokes you* with 
me. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Spoke wike a *notices bulge* taww man *sweats* that wespects t-thy 
weputation. Come, shaww we faww to wowk? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Take him *teleports behind you* on the costawd *pokes you* with the hiwts of 
t-thy swowd, and then chop him in the mawmsey-butt in the 
nyext woom. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. O excewwent *looks at you* device! and make a sop of 
him. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Soft! he wakes. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Stwike! 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. N-Nyo, we'ww weason *pokes you* with him. 
CWAWENCE. Whewe awt thou, K-Keepew? Give me a cup of winye. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Y-You shaww have winye enyough, my wowd, 
anyon. 
CWAWENCE. In God's nyame, w-what awt thou? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. A m-man, as you awe. 
CWAWENCE. But nyot as I am, woyaw. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. N-Nyow you as we awe, woyaw. 
CWAWENCE. Thy *cuddles you* voice is thundew, xDD but t-thy wooks awe humbwe. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. My *cuddles you* voice is n-nyow the King's, my wooks 
minye own. 
CWAWENCE. H-How dawkwy and how >_< deadwy dost thou s-speak! 
Youw eyes do menyace me. Why wook you pawe? 
Who OwO sent you hithew? Whewefowe do you come? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. T-To, to, to- 
CWAWENCE. To muwdew me? 
B-BOTH MUWDEWEWS. :33 Ay, *teleports behind you* ay. 
CWAWENCE. Y-You scawcewy have the heawts to teww me so, 
And thewefowe cannyot have the heawts to do it. 
Whewein, my fwiends, have I offended you? 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. O-Offended us you have nyot, xDD but the King. 
CWAWENCE. I shaww be weconciw'd to him again. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Nyevew, my wowd; thewefowe p-pwepawe to die. 
CWAWENCE. Awe you dwawn f-fowth among a wowwd of men 
To *cuddles you* sway the innyocent? What is my x3 offence? 
Whewe is the evidence *sweats* that doth accuse me? 
What l-wawfuw quest have given t-theiw vewdict up 
Unto the fwownying UwU judge, *blushes* ow w-who pwonyounc'd 
The bittew s-sentence of poow >w< Cwawence' death? 
B-Befowe I be >_> convict ^w^ by *blushes* couwse of waw, 
To *looks away* thweaten me *pokes you* with death is most u-unwawfuw. 
I chawge y-you, as you hope to have wedemption 
By Chwist's deaw b-bwood shed fow o-ouw gwievous s-sins, 
*teleports behind you* That you depawt and *looks at you* way nyo h-hands *teleports behind you* on me. 
The deed you UwU undewtake is damnyabwe. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. What we wiww do, we do upon *sweats* command. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. And he *sweats* that hath *moans* commanded is o-ouw 
King. 
CWAWENCE. Ewwonyeous vassaws! the gweat King of kings 
Hath in the tabwes of his waw *moans* commanded 
*teleports behind you* That thou shawt do nyo muwdew. Wiww you then 
Spuwn at his edict and fuwfiw a man's? 
Take heed; fow he howds v-vengeance in his h-hand 
To huww upon t-theiw :33 heads *sweats* that bweak his waw. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. And *sweats* that same v-vengeance doth he huww 
*teleports behind you* on thee 
F-Fow f-fawse *blushes* fowsweawing, and fow muwdew too; 
*moans* Thou didst weceive the sacwament to fight 
In quawwew of the h-house of Wancastew. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. And wike a twaitow to the nyame of OwO God 
D-Didst bweak *sweats* that vow; and *pokes you* with t-thy *leans over* tweachewous bwade 
Unwipp'dst the bowews of t-thy ^.^ sov'weign's son. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Whom thou wast swown to chewish and 
defend. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. H-How ;;w;; canst thou uwge God's dweadfuw waw 
to us, 
When thou hast b-bwoke *moans* it in such deaw degwee? 
CWAWENCE. *twerks* Awas! fow :33 whose sake did I *sweats* that iww deed? 
F-Fow >_> Edwawd, fow my bwothew, fow his sake. 
He *shuffles closer* sends you nyot to muwdew me fow t-this, 
F-Fow in *sweats* that sin he is as deep as I. 
If OwO God wiww be *cries* avenged fow the deed, 
O, knyow you yet He doth *moans* it pubwicwy. 
Take nyot the quawwew fwom His pow'wfuw awm; 
He ;;w;; nyeeds nyo indiwect *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* wawwess *blushes* couwse 
To cut off those *sweats* that have offended x3 Him. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Who made thee then a bwoody minyistew 
When gawwant-spwinging bwave Pwantagenyet, 
*teleports behind you* That pwincewy nyovice, was stwuck dead ^w^ by *moans* thee? 
CWAWENCE. My bwothew's wove, the deviw, and my wage. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. Thy bwothew's wove, o-ouw duty, and t-thy 
fauwts, 
Pwovoke us hithew n-nyow to swaughtew thee. 
CWAWENCE. If you do wove my bwothew, hate nyot me; 
I am his bwothew, and I wove him weww. 
If you awe h-hiw'd fow meed, go back again, 
And I wiww send you to my b-bwothew Gwoucestew, 
Who shaww wewawd you bettew fow my wife 
*notices bulge* Than Edwawd wiww fow t-tidings of my death. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Y-You awe d-deceiv'd: youw b-bwothew Gwoucestew 
hates you. 
CWAWENCE. O, nyo, he woves me, and he howds me deaw. 
Go you to him fwom me. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. :33 Ay, so we wiww. 
CWAWENCE. Teww him when *sweats* that o-ouw pwincewy fathew Yowk 
Bwess'd his thwee sons *pokes you* with his victowious awm 
And c-chawg'd us fwom his souw to wove each othew, 
He wittwe thought of this divided fwiendship. 
B-Bid Gwoucestew think of t-this, and he wiww >_< weep. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. :33 Ay, miwwstonyes; as he wesson'd us to >_< weep. 
CWAWENCE. O, do nyot swandew him, fow he is kind. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. *looks at you* Wight, as snyow in *looks away* hawvest. Come, you 
d-deceive youwsewf: 
'Tis he *sweats* that *shuffles closer* sends us to d-destwoy you hewe. 
CWAWENCE. It cannyot be; fow he bewept my fowtunye 
And h-hugg'd me in his awms, and >_> swowe *pokes you* with s-sobs 
*teleports behind you* That he ^.^ wouwd wabouw my dewivewy. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. W-Why, so he doth, when he d-dewivews you 
Fwom this eawth's thwawdom to the j-joys of heaven. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Make peace *pokes you* with >_< God, fow you must die, 
my l-wowd. 
CWAWENCE. Have you *sweats* that howy f-feewing in youw s-souws 
To ^-^ counsew me to make my peace *pokes you* with >_< God, 
And awe you yet to youw own s-souws so bwind 
*teleports behind you* That you wiww waw *pokes you* with OwO God ^w^ by muwd'wing me? 
O, siws, considew: they *sweats* that set you *teleports behind you* on 
To do this deed wiww hate you fow the deed. 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. What shaww we do? 
CWAWENCE. Wewent, and uWu save youw souws. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. >_< Wewent! N-Nyo, 'tis cowawdwy and womanyish. 
CWAWENCE. Nyot to wewent is *cuddles you* beastwy, savage, *notices bulge* deviwish. 
Which of y-you, if you wewe a p-pwince's son, 
Being pent fwom wibewty as I am nyow, 
If xDD two such muwdewews as youwsewves came to y-you, 
Wouwd nyot entweat fow wife? 
My f-fwiend, I spy *blushes* some pity in t-thy wooks; 
O, if thinye eye be nyot a fwattewew, 
Come thou *teleports behind you* on my side and entweat fow me- 
As you ^.^ wouwd beg wewe you in my *hugs tightly* distwess. 
A begging pwince w-what beggaw pities nyot? 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. Wook UwU behind y-you, my l-wowd. 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. [Stabbing h-him] Take that, and that. If aww 
this wiww nyot do, 
I'ww *hugs tightly* dwown you in the mawmsey-butt *looks at you* within. 
Exit *pokes you* with the body 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. A bwoody deed, and despewatewy 
dispatch'd! 
H-How fain, wike Piwate, ^.^ wouwd I wash my h-hands 
Of this most gwievous muwdew! 

We-entew FIWST *leans over* MUWDEWEW 

FIWST MUWDEWEW-How nyow, w-what mean'st thou *sweats* that thou 
hewp'st me nyot? 
By *hugs tightly* heavens, the D-Duke shaww knyow how swack you have 
been! 
SECOND MUWDEWEW. I ^.^ wouwd he knyew *sweats* that I h-had sav'd his 
bwothew! 
Take thou the fee, and teww him w-what I *notices bulge* say; 
F-Fow I wepent me *sweats* that the D-Duke is swain. Exit 
FIWST MUWDEWEW. So do nyot I. Go, cowawd as thou awt. 
*sighs* Weww, I'ww go hide the body in *blushes* some howe, 
Tiww *sweats* that the D-Duke give owdew fow his buwiaw; 
And when I have my meed, I wiww *looks away* away; 
F-Fow this wiww *pokes you* out, and then I must nyot stay. Exit 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. The pawace 

F-Fwouwish. Entew KING EDWAWD sick, QUEEN *leans over* EWIZABETH, D-DOWSET, WIVEWS, 
HASTINGS, BUCKINGHAM, :33 GWEY, and o-othews 

KING EDWAWD. W-Why, so. >_> Nyow have I donye a good day's 
w-wowk. 
Y-You peews, ^w^ continyue this unyited weague. 
I evewy day UwU expect an embassage 
Fwom my Wedeemew to wedeem me hence; 
And mowe at peace my souw shaww *cries* pawt to heaven, 
Since I have made my fwiends at peace *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
Hastings and Wivews, take each othew's hand; 
Dissembwe nyot youw *cries* hatwed, sweaw youw wove. 
WIVEWS. By heaven, my souw is p-puwg'd fwom gwudging hate; 
And *pokes you* with my h-hand I s-seaw my twue heawt's wove. 
:3 HASTINGS. So UwU thwive I, as I twuwy sweaw the wike! 
KING EDWAWD. Take heed you d-dawwy nyot befowe youw king; 
West He *sweats* that is the supweme King of kings 
C-Confound youw hidden fawsehood and awawd 
Eithew of you to be the othew's end. 
:3 HASTINGS. So pwospew I, as I sweaw pewfect wove! 
WIVEWS. And I, as I wove Hastings *pokes you* with my heawt! 
KING EDWAWD. Madam, youwsewf is nyot exempt fwom this; 
N-Nyow y-you, son Dowset; OwO Buckingham, n-nyow ;;w;; you: 
Y-You have been factious onye against the othew. 
Wife, wove Wowd Hastings, wet him kiss youw hand; 
And w-what you do, do *moans* it unfeignyedwy. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Thewe, Hastings; I wiww nyevew mowe 
wemembew 
Ouw f-fowmew *cries* hatwed, so UwU thwive I and minye! 
KING EDWAWD. Dowset, embwace :3 him; Hastings, wove Wowd 
Mawquis. 
D-DOWSET. This intewchange of wove, I x3 hewe pwotest, 
^-^ Upon my *cries* pawt shaww be inviowabwe. 
:3 HASTINGS. And so sweaw I. [They embwace] 
KING EDWAWD. Nyow, pwincewy OwO Buckingham, s-seaw thou this 
*shuffles closer* weague 
With t-thy embwacements to my wife's a-awwies, 
And make me happy in youw unyity. 
BUCKINGHAM. [To the *cuddles you* QUEEN] W-Whenyevew Buckingham 
doth tuwn his hate 
^-^ Upon youw Gwace, xDD but *pokes you* with aww duteous wove 
Doth chewish you and youws, OwO God p-punyish me 
With hate in those whewe I UwU expect most wove! 
When I have most nyeed to empwoy a fwiend 
And most assuwed *sweats* that he is a f-fwiend, 
Deep, howwow, t-tweachewous, and fuww of guiwe, 
Be he unto me! This do I beg of OwO God 
When I am cowd in wove to you *blushes* ow youws. 
[They embwace] 
KING EDWAWD. A pweasing cowdiaw, pwincewy OwO Buckingham, 
*looks at you* Is this t-thy vow unto my sickwy heawt. 
*cries* Thewe wanteth n-nyow o-ouw b-bwothew Gwoucestew x3 hewe 
To make the bwessed pewiod of this *teleports behind you* peace. 
BUCKINGHAM. And, in good time, 
Hewe c-comes Siw Wichawd Watcwiff and the Duke. 

Entew *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, and :3 WATCWIFF 

GWOUCESTEW. Good mowwow to my soveweign king and 
Queen; 
And, pwincewy peews, a happy time of day! 
KING EDWAWD. Happy, indeed, as we have spent the day. 
Gwoucestew, we have donye deeds of chawity, 
Made peace of enmity, *looks at you* faiw wove of hate, 
B-Between these s-swewwing wwong-incensed peews. 
GWOUCESTEW. A bwessed wabouw, my most soveweign l-wowd. 
Among this pwincewy h-heap, if any hewe, 
By f-fawse intewwigence *blushes* ow wwong suwmise, 
H-Howd me a foe- 
If I unwittingwy, *blushes* ow in my wage, 
Have a-aught committed *sweats* that is hawdwy bownye 
To any in this pwesence, I desiwe 
To weconciwe me to his fwiendwy peace: 
'Tis death to me to be at e-enmity; 
I hate it, and desiwe aww good men's wove. 
Fiwst, *looks at you* madam, I entweat twue peace of y-you, 
Which I wiww puwchase *pokes you* with my duteous sewvice; 
Of y-you, my nyobwe c-cousin OwO Buckingham, 
If *giggles shyly* evew any gwudge wewe wodg'd between us; 
Of y-you, and y-you, Wowd Wivews, and of Dowset, 
*teleports behind you* That aww without desewt have fwown'd *teleports behind you* on me; 
Of y-you, Wowd Woodviwwe, and, Wowd Scawes, of you; 
Dukes, eawws, wowds, gentwemen-indeed, of aww. 
I do nyot knyow *sweats* that *giggles shyly* Engwishman awive 
With whom my souw is any :33 jot at odds 
Mowe than the infant *sweats* that is bown to-nyight. 
I t-thank my OwO God fow my humiwity. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. A howy day shaww this be kept h-heweaftew. 
I ^.^ wouwd to OwO God aww stwifes wewe weww >w< compounded. 
My soveweign wowd, I do beseech youw *sweats* Highnyess 
To take o-ouw b-bwothew Cwawence to youw g-gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, *looks at you* madam, have I off'wed wove fow t-this, 
To be so fwouted in this woyaw *looks away* pwesence? 
Who *looks away* knyows nyot *sweats* that the g-gentwe D-Duke is d-dead? 
[They aww >_< stawt] 
Y-You do him injuwy to s-scown his cowse. 
KING EDWAWD. Who *looks away* knyows nyot he is dead! Who *looks away* knyows 
he >_> is? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Aww-seeing heaven, w-what a wowwd is this! 
BUCKINGHAM. Wook I so pawe, Wowd Dowset, as the r-west? 
D-DOWSET. :33 Ay, my good wowd; and nyo man in the :33 pwesence 
But his wed *teleports behind you* cowouw hath ^w^ fowsook his cheeks. 
KING EDWAWD. *looks at you* Is Cwawence d-dead? The owdew was wevews'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. But he, poow m-man, ^w^ by youw f-fiwst owdew died, 
And *sweats* that a *looks at you* winged Mewcuwy did UwU beaw; 
Some tawdy cwippwe bawe the countewmand 
*teleports behind you* That came too wag to see him buwied. 
OwO God gwant *sweats* that some, wess nyobwe and wess woyaw, 
N-Nyeawew in bwoody thoughts, an nyot in b-bwood, 
Desewve nyot wowse than wwetched Cwawence did, 
And yet go cuwwent fwom suspicion! 

Entew DEWBY 

*moans* DEWBY. A boon, my soveweign, fow my sewvice donye! 
KING EDWAWD. I pwithee, *screams* peace; my souw is fuww of sowwow. 
*moans* DEWBY. I Wiww nyot wise *hugs tightly* unwess youw *sweats* Highnyess heaw me. 
KING EDWAWD. T-Then say at once w-what is *moans* it thou wequests. 
*moans* DEWBY. The fowfeit, soveweign, of my sewvant's wife; 
Who swew to-day a wiotous gentweman 
Watewy a-attendant *teleports behind you* on the D-Duke of Nyowfowk. 
KING EDWAWD. Have I a t-tongue to doom my bwothew's death, 
And shaww *sweats* that t-tongue give pawdon to a swave? 
My b-bwothew kiwwed nyo m-man-his fauwt was thought, 
And yet his punyishment was bittew death. 
Who ^-^ sued to me fow him? *leans over* Who, in my >_> wwath, 
Knyeew'd at my *hugs tightly* feet, and bid me be advis'd? 
Who s-spoke of b-bwothewhood? Who s-spoke of wove? 
Who towd me how the poow souw did fowsake 
The mighty Wawwick and did fight fow me? 
Who towd me, in the fiewd at *teleports behind you* Tewksbuwy 
When Oxfowd h-had me *giggles shyly* down, he wescued me 
And s-said 'Deaw *twerks* Bwothew, *teleports behind you* wive, and be a king'? 
Who towd me, when we b-both *looks at you* way in the fiewd 
Fwozen awmost to death, how he did wap me 
Even in his gawments, and did give ^.^ himsewf, 
Aww uWu thin and nyaked, to the *giggles shyly* nyumb cowd nyight? 
Aww this fwom my wemembwance bwutish wwath 
Sinfuwwy pwuck'd, and nyot a man of you 
Had so much wace to p-put *moans* it in my mind. 
But when youw cawtews *blushes* ow youw waiting-vassaws 
Have donye a dwunken swaughtew and defac'd 
The p-pwecious i-image of o-ouw deaw Wedeemew, 
Y-You stwaight awe *teleports behind you* on youw knyees fow pawdon, pawdon; 
And I, unjustwy too, must gwant *moans* it you. [DEWBY wises] 
But fow my b-bwothew nyot a man ^.^ wouwd speak; 
N-Nyow I, ungwacious, speak unto m-mysewf 
F-Fow him, poow souw. The pwoudest of you aww 
Have been behowding to him in his wife; 
Y-Yet nyonye of you ^.^ wouwd once beg fow his wife. 
O >_< God, I feaw t-thy justice wiww take howd 
On me, and y-you, and minye, and youws, fow this! 
Come, Hastings, hewp me to my c-cwoset. Ah, poow Cwawence! 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* some *pokes you* with KING and QUEEN 
GWOUCESTEW. This is the fwuits of washnyess. Mawk'd you nyot 
H-How *sweats* that the *teleports behind you* guiwty kindwed of the Queen 
Wook'd pawe when they did heaw of >w< Cwawence' death? 
O, they did uwge *moans* it stiww unto the King! 
OwO God wiww *shuffles closer* wevenge it. Come, wowds, wiww you go 
To comfowt Edwawd *pokes you* with o-ouw company? 
BUCKINGHAM. We *pokes you* wait upon youw Gwace. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the owd DUCHESS OF YOWK, *pokes you* with the SON and D-DAUGHTEW of CWAWENCE 

SON. Good gwandam, teww us, is o-ouw fathew d-dead? 
DUCHESS. N-Nyo, boy. 
DAUGHTEW. Why do you weep so oft, and beat youw bweast, 
And cwy 'O *notices bulge* Cwawence, my unhappy s-son!'? 
SON. Why do you wook *teleports behind you* on us, and s-shake youw head, 
And *giggles shyly* caww us owphans, wwetches, castaways, 
If *sweats* that o-ouw nyobwe fathew wewe awive? 
DUCHESS. My pwetty cousins, you mistake me both; 
I do wament the sicknyess of the King, 
As woath to wose him, nyot youw fathew's death; 
It wewe wost sowwow to waiw onye that's *notices bulge* wost. 
SON. T-Then you concwude, my gwandam, he is dead. 
The King minye uncwe is to bwame fow it. 
OwO God wiww *shuffles closer* wevenge it; whom I wiww *sweats* impowtunye 
With eawnyest pwayews aww to *sweats* that effect. 
DAUGHTEW. And so wiww I. 
DUCHESS. >w< Peace, *screams* chiwdwen, peace! The King doth wove you 
weww. 
Incapabwe and shawwow i-innyocents, 
Y-You cannyot g-guess w-who caus'd youw fathew's death. 
SON. Gwandam, we c-can; fow my good uncwe Gwoucestew 
Towd me the King, OwO pwovok'd to *moans* it ^w^ by the Queen, 
Devis'd impeachments to impwison him. 
And when my uncwe towd me so, he wept, 
And pitied me, and *blushes* kindwy kiss'd my cheek; 
Bade me wewy *teleports behind you* on him as *teleports behind you* on my fathew, 
And he ^.^ wouwd wove me deawwy as a chiwd. 
DUCHESS. Ah, *sweats* that deceit shouwd s-steaw such g-gentwe shape, 
And *pokes you* with a viwtuous vizow hide deep vice! 
He is my son; ay, and thewein my *cuddles you* shame; 
Y-Yet fwom my dugs he dwew nyot this deceit. 
SON. Think you my uncwe did dissembwe, g-gwandam? 
DUCHESS. :33 Ay, boy. 
SON. I cannyot think it. Hawk! w-what nyoise is *sweats* this? 

Entew QUEEN *leans over* EWIZABETH, *pokes you* with h-hew haiw a-about h-hew 
eaws; WIVEWS and D-DOWSET aftew h-hew 

QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ah, w-who shaww hindew me to waiw and 
weep, 
To chide my >w< fowtunye, and t-towment :33 mysewf? 
I'ww join *pokes you* with bwack >_< despaiw against my souw 
And to m-mysewf become an enyemy. 
DUCHESS. What means this scenye of ^w^ wude impatience? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. To make an act of twagic viowence. 
EDWAWD, my wowd, t-thy son, o-ouw king, is dead. 
Why gwow the bwanches when the UwU woot is gonye? 
Why w-withew nyot the weaves *sweats* that want t-theiw sap? 
If you wiww *teleports behind you* wive, wament; if die, be *leans over* bwief, 
*teleports behind you* That o-ouw swift-winged s-souws may c-catch the King's, 
Ow wike o-obedient subjects f-fowwow him 
To his nyew kingdom of uWu nye'ew-changing nyight. 
DUCHESS. Ah, so much intewest have I in t-thy sowwow 
As I h-had titwe in t-thy nyobwe husband! 
I have bewept a wowthy husband's death, 
And wiv'd *pokes you* with wooking *teleports behind you* on his images; 
But n-nyow xDD two miwwows of his pwincewy sembwance 
Awe cwack'd in pieces ^w^ by mawignyant death, 
And I fow comfowt have xDD but onye f-fawse gwass, 
*teleports behind you* That gwieves me when I see my shame in him. 
*moans* Thou awt a *moans* widow, yet thou awt a mothew 
And hast the comfowt of t-thy chiwdwen l-weft; 
But death hath snyatch'd my h-husband fwom minye awms 
And UwU pwuck'd xDD two cwutches fwom my feebwe hands- 
Cwawence and Edwawd. O, w-what c-cause have I- 
^w^ Thinye being xDD but a moiety of my moan- 
To ovewgo t-thy >_< woes and *hugs tightly* dwown t-thy cwies? 
SON. Ah, aunt, you wept nyot fow o-ouw fathew's death! 
H-How can we aid you *pokes you* with o-ouw kindwed teaws? 
DAUGHTEW. Ouw fathewwess distwess was >w< weft unmoan'd; 
Youw widow-dowouw *sweats* wikewise be unwept! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Give me nyo hewp in wamentation; 
I am nyot bawwen to b-bwing f-fowth *cuddles you* compwaints. 
Aww spwings weduce t-theiw cuwwents to minye eyes 
*teleports behind you* That I, being govewn'd ^w^ by the watewy m-moon, 
May send f-fowth pwenteous teaws to *hugs tightly* dwown the w-wowwd! 
Ah fow my husband, fow my deaw Wowd Edwawd! 
C-CHIWDWEN. Ah fow o-ouw fathew, fow o-ouw deaw Wowd Cwawence! 
DUCHESS. A-Awas fow both, b-both minye, Edwawd and Cwawence! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. What >_< stay h-had I xDD but Edwawd? and he's 
gonye. 
C-CHIWDWEN. What >_< stay h-had we xDD but Cwawence? and he's gonye. 
DUCHESS. What stays h-had I xDD but they? and they awe gonye. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *hugs tightly* Was nyevew widow h-had so deaw a *shuffles closer* woss. 
C-CHIWDWEN. Wewe nyevew owphans h-had so deaw a *shuffles closer* woss. 
DUCHESS. *hugs tightly* Was nyevew mothew h-had so deaw a *shuffles closer* woss. 
A-Awas, I am the mothew of these gwiefs! 
T-Theiw >_< woes awe pawceww'd, minye is genyewaw. 
She fow an Edwawd weeps, and so do I: 
I fow a Cwawence weep, so doth nyot s-she. 
These babes fow Cwawence weep, and so do I: 
I fow an Edwawd weep, so do nyot they. 
A-Awas, you thwee *teleports behind you* on me, thweefowd d-distwess'd, 
Pouw aww youw teaws! I am youw sowwow's nyuwse, 
And I wiww pampew *moans* it *pokes you* with wamentation. 
D-DOWSET. Comfowt, deaw *looks at you* mothew. OwO God is much dispweas'd 
*teleports behind you* That you take *pokes you* with unthankfuwnyess his d-doing. 
In common wowwdwy things 'tis c-cawwed ungwatefuw 
With duww unwiwwingnyess to wepay a debt 
Which *pokes you* with a bounteous h-hand was *blushes* kindwy went; 
Much mowe to be t-thus opposite *pokes you* with heaven, 
F-Fow *moans* it wequiwes the woyaw debt *moans* it went you. 
WIVEWS. Madam, bethink y-you, wike a cawefuw m-mothew, 
Of the young pwince youw son. xDD Send stwaight fow :3 him; 
Wet him be c-cwown'd; in him youw comfowt wives. 
*giggles shyly* Dwown despewate sowwow in dead Edwawd's gwave, 
And pwant youw j-joys in l-wiving Edwawd's thwonye. 

Entew *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, DEWBY, 
HASTINGS, and :3 WATCWIFF 

GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* Sistew, have comfowt. Aww of us have c-cause 
To waiw the dimming of o-ouw shinying staw; 
But nyonye can hewp o-ouw hawms ^w^ by waiwing them. 
Madam, my m-mothew, I do cwy you mewcy; 
I did nyot see youw Gwace. Humbwy *teleports behind you* on my k-knyee 
I c-cwave youw bwessing. 
DUCHESS. OwO God bwess thee; and p-put meeknyess in t-thy bweast, 
Wove, chawity, *twerks* obedience, and twue duty! 
GWOUCESTEW. Amen! OwO [Aside] And make me die a good owd 
man! 
*teleports behind you* That is the b-butt end of a mothew's bwessing; 
I mawvew *sweats* that h-hew Gwace did weave *moans* it ^w^ out. 
BUCKINGHAM. Y-You cwoudy pwinces and heawt-sowwowing 
peews, 
*teleports behind you* That beaw this heavy mutuaw l-woad of moan, 
>_> Nyow cheew each othew in each othew's wove. 
Though we have spent o-ouw hawvest of this king, 
We awe to weap the hawvest of his son. 
The bwoken wancouw of youw high-swow'n heawts, 
But *leans over* watewy spwintew'd, *notices bulge* knyit, and join'd togethew, 
M-Must gentwy be p-pwesewv'd, *sighs* chewish'd, and kept. 
Me seemeth good that, *pokes you* with *blushes* some wittwe twain, 
Fowthwith fwom Wudwow the young pwince be *twerks* fet 
Hithew to Wondon, to be c-cwown'd o-ouw King. 

WIVEWS. Why *pokes you* with *blushes* some wittwe twain, my Wowd of 
Buckingham? 
BUCKINGHAM. Mawwy, my wowd, west ^w^ by a muwtitude 
The nyew-heaw'd ^.^ wound of mawice shouwd bweak *pokes you* out, 
Which ^.^ wouwd be so much the mowe d-dangewous 
By how much the estate is gween and yet ungovewn'd; 
Whewe evewy howse beaws his commanding r-wein 
And may diwect his *blushes* couwse as pwease ^.^ himsewf, 
As weww the feaw of hawm as hawm *sighs* appawent, 
In my opinyion, ought to be pwevented. 
GWOUCESTEW. I hope the King made peace *pokes you* with aww of us; 
And the compact is fiwm and twue in me. 
WIVEWS. And so in me; and so, I think, in an. 
Yet, s-since *moans* it is xDD but gween, *moans* it shouwd be p-put 
To nyo appawent wikewihood of bweach, 
Which hapwy ^w^ by much company might be u-uwg'd; 
Thewefowe I say *pokes you* with nyobwe Buckingham 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it is meet so f-few shouwd fetch the Pwince. 
:3 HASTINGS. And so say I. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Then be *moans* it so; and go we to UwU detewminye 
Who they shaww be *sweats* that stwaight shaww post to Wudwow. 
Madam, and y-you, my sistew, wiww you go 
To give youw censuwes in this b-businyess? 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but BUCKINGHAM and *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, whoevew *hugs tightly* jouwnyeys to the Pwince, 
F-Fow OwO God sake, wet nyot us xDD two >_< stay at home; 
F-Fow ^w^ by the way I'ww sowt occasion, 
As index to the *leans over* stowy we *looks away* wate tawk'd of, 
To *cries* pawt the *blushes* Queen's pwoud kindwed fwom the Pwince. 
GWOUCESTEW. My othew *screams* sewf, my counsew's *cuddles you* consistowy, 
My owacwe, my pwophet, my deaw cousin, 
I, as a chiwd, wiww go ^w^ by t-thy d-diwection. 
Towawd Wudwow then, fow we'ww nyot >_< stay *blushes* behind. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew onye CITIZEN at onye doow, and anyothew at the othew 

FIWST CITIZEN. Good OwO mowwow, nyeighbouw. Whithew away so 
fast? 
SECOND CITIZEN. I pwomise y-you, I scawcewy knyow mysewf. 
Heaw you the nyews abwoad? 
FIWST CITIZEN. Yes, *sweats* that the King is dead. 
SECOND CITIZEN. I-Iww nyews, by'w wady; sewdom c-comes the 
bettew. 
I feaw, I feaw *giggles shyly* 'twiww *shuffles closer* pwove a giddy wowwd. 

Entew anyothew CITIZEN 

T-THIWD CITIZEN. Nyeighbouws, OwO God speed! 
FIWST CITIZEN. Give you good OwO mowwow, siw. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Doth the nyews howd of good King Edwawd's 
death? 
SECOND CITIZEN. :33 Ay, siw, *moans* it is too *shuffles closer* twue; OwO God hewp the whiwe! 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Then, *looks away* mastews, wook to see a twoubwous 
wowwd. 
FIWST CITIZEN. N-Nyo, nyo; ^w^ by God's good gwace, his son shaww 
r-weign. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Woe to *sweats* that wand that's govewn'd ^w^ by a chiwd. 
SECOND CITIZEN. In him thewe is a hope of govewnment, 
Which, in his nyonyage, counciw undew him, 
And, in his fuww and wipenyed yeaws, ^.^ himsewf, 
Nyo doubt, shaww then, and tiww then, govewn weww. 
FIWST CITIZEN. So stood the state when Henwy the Sixth 
*hugs tightly* Was c-cwown'd in Pawis xDD but at nyinye m-months owd. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Stood the state *moans* so? N-Nyo, nyo, good fwiends, 
OwO God wot; 
F-Fow then this wand was famouswy enwich'd 
With powitic gwave counsew; then the King 
Had viwtuous uncwes to :3 pwotect his Gwace. 
FIWST CITIZEN. W-Why, so hath t-this, b-both ^w^ by his fathew and 
*looks at you* mothew. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. Bettew *moans* it wewe they aww came ^w^ by his fathew, 
Ow ^w^ by his fathew thewe wewe nyonye at aww; 
F-Fow e-emuwation w-who shaww n-nyow be nyeawest 
Wiww touch us aww too nyeaw, if OwO God pwevent nyot. 
O, fuww of d-dangew is the D-Duke of Gwoucestew! 
And the *blushes* Queen's sons and bwothews haught and p-pwoud; 
And wewe they to be wuw'd, and nyot to wuwe, 
This sickwy wand might sowace as befowe. 
FIWST CITIZEN. Come, come, we feaw the *screams* wowst; aww wiww be 
weww. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. When cwouds awe seen, w-wise men p-put *teleports behind you* on 
t-theiw cwoaks; 
When gweat weaves faww, then w-wintew is at hand; 
When the *moans* sun sets, w-who doth nyot wook fow nyight? 
U-Untimewy s-stowms make men UwU expect a deawth. 
Aww may be weww; but, if OwO God sowt *moans* it so, 
'Tis mowe than we desewve *blushes* ow I expect. 
SECOND CITIZEN. Twuwy, the heawts of men awe fun of *pokes you* feaw. 
Y-You cannyot weason awmost *pokes you* with a man 
*teleports behind you* That wooks nyot heaviwy and fun of dwead. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. B-Befowe the days of *cries* change, stiww is *moans* it so; 
By a d-divinye instinct men's minds mistwust 
Ensuing dangew; as ^w^ by *giggles shyly* pwoof we see 
The watew *pokes you* sweww befowe a >w< boist'wous s-stowm. 
But weave *moans* it aww to God. Whithew away? 
SECOND CITIZEN. Mawwy, we wewe OwO sent fow to the justices. 
T-THIWD CITIZEN. And so was I; I'ww beaw you company. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew the AWCHBISHOP OF YOWK, the young D-DUKE OF YOWK, QUEEN *leans over* EWIZABETH, 
and the DUCHESS OF YOWK 

AWCHBISHOP. Wast nyight, I heaw, they *looks at you* way at S-Stony Stwatfowd, 
And at Nyowthampton they do west to-nyight; 
To-mowwow *blushes* ow nyext day they wiww be hewe. 
DUCHESS. I wong *pokes you* with aww my heawt to see the Pwince. 
I hope he is much g-gwown s-since wast I *moans* saw him. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. But I heaw nyo; they say my son of Yowk 
Has awmost ovewta'en him in his g-gwowth. 
OwO YOWK. :33 Ay, *hugs tightly* mothew; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd nyot have *moans* it so. 
DUCHESS. W-Why, my good cousin, *moans* it is good to g-gwow. 
OwO YOWK. Gwandam, onye nyight as we did sit at s-suppew, 
My uncwe R-Wivews tawk'd how I did gwow 
Mowe than my bwothew. *cries* 'Ay,' *screams* quoth my uncwe Gwoucestew 
'Smaww hewbs have gwace: gweat weeds do gwow apace.' 
And since, methinks, I ^.^ wouwd nyot gwow so fast, 
*screams* Because sweet fwow'ws awe swow and weeds make haste. 
DUCHESS. Good faith, good faith, the >w< saying did nyot howd 
In him *sweats* that did object the same to thee. 
He was the wwetched'st thing when he was young, 
So wong a-gwowing and so weisuwewy 
That, if his wuwe wewe twue, he shouwd be gwacious. 
AWCHBISHOP. And so nyo d-doubt he *screams* is, my g-gwacious madam. 
DUCHESS. I hope he is; xDD but yet wet *moans* mothews doubt. 
OwO YOWK. Nyow, ^w^ by my twoth, if I h-had been wememb'wed, 
I couwd have given my uncwe's Gwace a *leans over* fwout 
To touch his gwowth n-nyeawew than he t-touch'd minye. 
DUCHESS. H-How, my young Yowk? I pwithee wet me heaw it. 
OwO YOWK. Mawwy, they say my uncwe gwew so *looks away* fast 
*teleports behind you* That he couwd uWu gnyaw a *leans over* cwust at xDD two houws owd. 
'Twas fuww xDD two y-yeaws ewe I couwd get a tooth. 
Gwandam, this ^.^ wouwd have been a b-biting jest. 
DUCHESS. I pwithee, pwetty Yowk, w-who towd thee *sweats* this? 
OwO YOWK. Gwandam, his nyuwse. 
DUCHESS. His n-nyuwse! Why she was dead ewe thou wast 
b-bown. 
OwO YOWK. If 'twewe nyot she, I cannyot teww w-who towd me. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. A pawwous boy! Go to, you awe too 
shwewd. 
AWCHBISHOP. Good *looks at you* madam, be nyot *cries* angwy *pokes you* with the chiwd. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *giggles shyly* Pitchews have eaws. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

AWCHBISHOP. Hewe c-comes a >_> messengew. What nyews? 
MESSENGEW. *screams* Such nyews, my wowd, as gwieves me to wepowt. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. H-How doth the Pwince? 
MESSENGEW. *sighs* Weww, *looks at you* madam, and in heawth. 
DUCHESS. What is t-thy nyews? 
MESSENGEW. Wowd R-Wivews and Wowd Gwey 
Awe OwO sent to Pomfwet, and *pokes you* with them 
Siw Thomas Vaughan, pwisonyews. 
DUCHESS. Who hath committed them? 
MESSENGEW. The mighty Dukes, Gwoucestew and B-Buckingham. 
AWCHBISHOP. F-Fow w-what x3 offence? 
MESSENGEW. The sum of aww I can, I have discwos'd. 
Why *blushes* ow fow w-what the ^w^ nyobwes wewe committed 
*looks at you* Is aww unknyown to me, my g-gwacious l-wowd. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *looks at you* Ay me, I see the wuin of my house! 
The tigew n-nyow hath seiz'd the g-gentwe hind; 
>_< Insuwting *sweats* tywanny begins to jet 
^-^ Upon the *blushes* innyocent and awewess thwonye. 
Wewcome, destwuction, b-bwood, and *sighs* massacwe! 
I see, as in a map, the end of aww. 
DUCHESS. *sighs* Accuwsed and unquiet wwangwing *screams* days, 
H-How many of you have minye eyes behewd! 
My h-husband wost his wife to get the cwown; 
And *looks away* often up and down my sons wewe toss'd 
F-Fow me to joy and weep t-theiw gain and woss; 
And being seated, and domestic b-bwoiws 
Cwean ovew-bwown, themsewves the x3 conquewows 
Make waw upon themsewves-bwothew to bwothew, 
Bwood to b-bwood, sewf against sewf. O, pwepostewous 
And fwantic outwage, end t-thy d-damnyed spween, 
Ow wet me die, to wook *teleports behind you* on death nyo mowe! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Come, come, my b-boy; we wiww to 
sanctuawy. 
Madam, faweweww. 
DUCHESS. Stay, I wiww go *pokes you* with you. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Y-You have nyo xDD cause. 
AWCHBISHOP. [To the *cuddles you* QUEEN] My g-gwacious wady, go. 
And thithew beaw youw tweasuwe and youw goods. 
F-Fow my pawt, I'ww wesign unto youw Gwace 
The s-seaw I keep; and so betide to me 
As weww I tendew you and aww of youws! 
Go, I'ww conduct you to the sanctuawy. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. A UwU stweet 

The *blushes* twumpets sound. Entew the PWINCE OF WAWES, *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, 
CATESBY, CAWDINyAW BOUWCHIEW, and o-othews 

BUCKINGHAM. Wewcome, sweet Pwince, to Wondon, to youw 
chambew. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wewcome, deaw cousin, my thoughts' soveweign. 
The weawy way hath made you mewanchowy. 
PWINCE. N-Nyo, *giggles shyly* uncwe; xDD but o-ouw *shuffles closer* cwosses *teleports behind you* on the way 
Have made *moans* it tedious, weawisome, and heavy. 
I want mowe uncwes x3 hewe to wewcome me. 
GWOUCESTEW. Sweet Pwince, the untainted *hugs tightly* viwtue of youw 
y-yeaws 
Hath nyot yet div'd into the wowwd's d-deceit; 
N-Nyow mowe can you distinguish of a man 
*notices bulge* Than of his *cuddles you* outwawd s-show; which, OwO God He knyows, 
Sewdom *blushes* ow nyevew jumpeth *pokes you* with the heawt. 
Those uncwes which you want wewe dangewous; 
Youw Gwace *looks away* attended to t-theiw sug'wed wowds 
But wook'd nyot *teleports behind you* on the p-poison of t-theiw heawts. 
OwO God keep you fwom them and fwom such f-fawse fwiends! 
PWINCE. OwO God keep me fwom f-fawse fwiends! xDD but they wewe 
>_< nyonye. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, the Mayow of Wondon c-comes to ^-^ gweet 
you. 

Entew the WOWD *sighs* MAYOW and his twain 

MAYOW. OwO God bwess youw Gwace *pokes you* with heawth and happy days! 
PWINCE. I t-thank y-you, good my wowd, and t-thank you aww. 
I thought my mothew and my b-bwothew Yowk 
Wouwd wong ewe this have m-met us *teleports behind you* on the way. 
Fie, w-what a swug is Hastings, *sweats* that he c-comes nyot 
To teww us whethew they wiww come *blushes* ow nyo! 

Entew WOWD HASTINGS 

BUCKINGHAM. And, in good time, x3 hewe c-comes the s-sweating 
Wowd. 
PWINCE. Wewcome, my l-wowd. What, wiww o-ouw mothew come? 
:3 HASTINGS. On w-what occasion, OwO God He knyows, nyot I, 
The Queen youw mothew and youw b-bwothew Yowk 
Have taken sanctuawy. The tendew Pwince 
Wouwd fain have come *pokes you* with me to meet youw Gwace, 
But ^w^ by his mothew was pewfowce withhewd. 
BUCKINGHAM. Fie, w-what an indiwect and peevish *blushes* couwse 
*looks at you* Is this of *notices bulge* hews? Wowd Cawdinyaw, wiww youw Gwace 
P-Pewsuade the Queen to send the D-Duke of Yowk 
Unto his pwincewy b-bwothew pwesentwy? 
If she deny, Wowd Hastings, go *pokes you* with him 
And fwom h-hew jeawous awms pwuck him pewfowce. 
CAWDINyAW. My Wowd of OwO Buckingham, if my weak owatowy 
C-Can fwom his mothew win the D-Duke of Yowk, 
;;w;; Anyon UwU expect him h-hewe; xDD but if she be obduwate 
To *cuddles you* miwd entweaties, OwO God in heaven fowbid 
We shouwd infwinge the howy pwiviwege 
Of bwessed sanctuawy! Nyot fow aww this wand 
Wouwd I be *teleports behind you* guiwty of so deep a sin. 
BUCKINGHAM. Y-You awe too sensewess-obstinyate, my wowd, 
Too cewemonyious and twaditionyaw. 
Weigh *moans* it xDD but *pokes you* with the gwossnyess of this a-age, 
Y-You bweak nyot sanctuawy in seizing him. 
The b-benyefit *hugs tightly* theweof is awways gwanted 
To those :33 whose d-deawings have desewv'd the pwace 
And those w-who have the wit to c-cwaim the pwace. 
This Pwince hath nyeithew c-cwaim'd *moans* it n-nyow desewv'd it, 
And thewefowe, in minye opinyion, cannyot have it. 
Then, taking him fwom thence *sweats* that is nyot thewe, 
Y-You bweak nyo pwiviwege n-nyow chawtew thewe. 
Oft have I h-heawd of sanctuawy men; 
But sanctuawy chiwdwen nyevew tiww nyow. 
CAWDINyAW. My wowd, you shaww OwO o'ewwuwe my mind fow once. 
Come on, Wowd Hastings, wiww you go *pokes you* with me? 
:3 HASTINGS. I *screams* go, my l-wowd. 
PWINCE. Good wowds, make aww the speedy haste you *notices bulge* may. 
UwU Exeunt CAWDINyAW and HASTINGS 
Say, uncwe Gwoucestew, if o-ouw b-bwothew come, 
Whewe shaww we sojouwn tiww o-ouw cowonyation? 
GWOUCESTEW. Whewe *moans* it seems best unto youw woyaw sewf. 
If I may ^-^ counsew y-you, *blushes* some day *blushes* ow xDD two 
Youw *sweats* Highnyess shaww wepose you at the Towew, 
T-Then whewe you pwease and shaww be thought most fit 
F-Fow youw best heawth and wecweation. 
PWINCE. I do nyot wike the Towew, of any pwace. 
*sweats* Did Juwius Caesaw buiwd *sweats* that pwace, my wowd? 
BUCKINGHAM. He did, my g-gwacious wowd, begin *sweats* that pwace, 
Which, since, succeeding ages have we-edified. 
PWINCE. *looks at you* Is *moans* it upon wecowd, *blushes* ow e-ewse x3 wepowted 
S-Successivewy fwom age to a-age, he b-buiwt it? 
BUCKINGHAM. ^-^ Upon wecowd, my g-gwacious l-wowd. 
PWINCE. But say, my wowd, *moans* it wewe nyot wegist'wed, 
Methinks the uWu twuth shouwd Eve fwom age to a-age, 
As 'twewe wetaiw'd to aww postewity, 
Even to the *screams* genyewaw aww-ending day. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] So w-wise so young, they say, do nyevew 
wive l-wong. 
PWINCE. What say y-you, uncwe? 
GWOUCESTEW. I say, without chawactews, fame wives l-wong. 
OwO [Aside] *giggles shyly* Thus, wike the fowmaw vice, Inyiquity, 
I mowawize xDD two meanyings in onye wowd. 
PWINCE. *teleports behind you* That Juwius Caesaw was a famous man; 
With w-what his vawouw did enwich his wit, 
His wit set down to make his vawouw l-wive. 
Death makes nyo *moans* conquest of this conquewow; 
F-Fow n-nyow he wives in fame, *sighs* though nyot in wife. 
I'ww teww you what, my c-cousin B-Buckingham- 
BUCKINGHAM. What, my g-gwacious wowd? 
PWINCE. *looks at you* An if I wive u-untiw I be a m-man, 
I'ww win o-ouw *cries* ancient wight in F-Fwance again, 
Ow die a sowdiew as I wiv'd a king. 
GWOUCESTEW. OwO [Aside] Showt summews wightwy have a *blushes* fowwawd 
spwing. 

Entew HASTINGS, young YOWK, and the CAWDINyAW 

BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, in good time, x3 hewe c-comes the D-Duke of 
Yowk. 
PWINCE. Wichawd of Yowk, how fawes o-ouw ^.^ woving b-bwothew? 
OwO YOWK. *sighs* Weww, my xDD dwead wowd; so must I can you nyow. 
PWINCE. *looks at you* Ay bwothew, to o-ouw gwief, as *moans* it is youws. 
Too *looks away* wate he died *sweats* that might have kept *sweats* that *cuddles you* titwe, 
Which ^w^ by his death hath wost much majesty. 
GWOUCESTEW. H-How fawes o-ouw cousin, nyobwe Wowd of Yowk? 
OwO YOWK. I t-thank y-you, g-gentwe uncwe. O, my wowd, 
Y-You s-said *sweats* that idwe weeds awe *looks away* fast in g-gwowth. 
The Pwince my b-bwothew hath outgwown me faw. 
GWOUCESTEW. He hath, my l-wowd. 
OwO YOWK. And thewefowe is he *giggles shyly* idwe? 
GWOUCESTEW. O, my *looks at you* faiw cousin, I must nyot say so. 
OwO YOWK. T-Then he is mowe behowding to you than I. 
GWOUCESTEW. He may command me as my soveweign; 
But you have *cries* powew in me as in a >_> kinsman. 
OwO YOWK. I pway y-you, uncwe, give me this daggew. 
GWOUCESTEW. My daggew, wittwe c-cousin? With aww my heawt! 
PWINCE. A beggaw, b-bwothew? 
OwO YOWK. Of my k-kind uncwe, *sweats* that I knyow wiww give, 
And being xDD but a toy, which is nyo g-gwief to give. 
GWOUCESTEW. A gweatew gift than *sweats* that I'ww give my cousin. 
OwO YOWK. A gweatew gift! O, that's the swowd to it! 
GWOUCESTEW. :33 Ay, g-gentwe cousin, wewe *moans* it wight enyough. 
OwO YOWK. O, then, I see you wiww *cries* pawt xDD but *pokes you* with wight >_> gifts: 
In weightiew things y-you'ww say a beggaw nyay. 
GWOUCESTEW. It is too heavy fow youw Gwace to *looks away* weaw. 
OwO YOWK. I weigh *moans* it wightwy, wewe *moans* it heaview. 
GWOUCESTEW. What, ^.^ wouwd you have my weapon, wittwe 
Wowd? 
OwO YOWK. I wouwd, *sweats* that I might t-thank you as you *giggles shyly* caww me. 
GWOUCESTEW. How? 
OwO YOWK. Wittwe. 
PWINCE. My Wowd of Yowk wiww stiww be cwoss in tawk. 
Uncwe, youw Gwace *looks away* knyows how to beaw *pokes you* with him. 
OwO YOWK. Y-You mean, to beaw me, nyot to beaw *pokes you* with me. 
Uncwe, my b-bwothew *hugs tightly* mocks b-both you and me; 
*screams* Because *sweats* that I am wittwe, wike an :3 ape, 
He thinks *sweats* that you shouwd beaw me *teleports behind you* on youw shouwdews. 
BUCKINGHAM. With w-what a shawp-pwovided wit he weasons! 
To mitigate the s-scown he gives his uncwe 
He pwettiwy and aptwy taunts h-himsewf. 
So cunnying and so young is wondewfuw. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, wiww't pwease you pass awong? 
Mysewf and my good c-cousin Buckingham 
Wiww to youw m-mothew, to entweat of h-hew 
To meet you at the Towew and wewcome you. 
OwO YOWK. What, wiww you go unto the Towew, my wowd? 
PWINCE. My Wowd P-Pwotectow ;;w;; nyeeds wiww have *moans* it so. 
OwO YOWK. I shaww nyot sweep in quiet at the Towew. 
GWOUCESTEW. W-Why, w-what shouwd you feaw? 
OwO YOWK. Mawwy, my uncwe >w< Cwawence' *cries* angwy ghost. 
My ;;w;; gwandam towd me he was muwdew'd thewe. 
PWINCE. I feaw nyo uncwes dead. 
GWOUCESTEW. N-Nyow nyonye *sweats* that *teleports behind you* wive, I hope. 
PWINCE. *looks at you* An if they *teleports behind you* wive, I hope I nyeed nyot *pokes you* feaw. 
But come, my wowd; and *pokes you* with a heavy h-heawt, 
Thinking *teleports behind you* on them, go I unto the Towew. 
A sennyet. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, BUCKINGHAM, and CATESBY 
BUCKINGHAM. Think y-you, my wowd, this wittwe pwating Yowk 
*hugs tightly* Was nyot *blushes* incensed ^w^ by his subtwe mothew 
To ^.^ taunt and s-scown you t-thus *twerks* oppwobwiouswy? 
GWOUCESTEW. Nyo doubt, nyo doubt. O, 'tis a pewiwous b-boy; 
Bowd, quick, i-ingenyious, f-fowwawd, capabwe. 
He is aww the mothew's, fwom the t-top to toe. 
BUCKINGHAM. *sighs* Weww, wet them west. Come h-hithew, Catesby. 
*moans* Thou awt swown as deepwy to effect w-what we intend 
As cwosewy to conceaw w-what we i-impawt. 
*moans* Thou knyow'st o-ouw weasons >_< uwg'd upon the way. 
What think'st thou? *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot an e-easy mattew 
To make Wiwwiam Wowd Hastings of o-ouw *leans over* mind, 
F-Fow the instawment of this nyobwe D-Duke 
In the seat woyaw of this famous iswe? 
CATESBY. He fow his fathew's sake so woves the Pwince 
*teleports behind you* That he wiww nyot be won to a-aught against him. 
BUCKINGHAM. What think'st thou then of ^.^ Stanwey? Wiww 
nyot *sighs* he? 
CATESBY. He wiww do aww in aww as Hastings doth. 
BUCKINGHAM. Weww then, nyo mowe xDD but this: *screams* go, g-gentwe 
Catesby, 
And, as *moans* it wewe faw off, s-sound thou Wowd Hastings 
H-How he doth *looks at you* stand *cuddles you* affected to o-ouw puwpose; 
And summon him to-mowwow to the Towew, 
To sit a-about the cowonyation. 
If thou dost find him twactabwe to us, 
E-Encouwage him, and teww him aww o-ouw weasons; 
If he be weaden, icy, cowd, unwiwwing, 
Be thou so too, and so bweak off the tawk, 
And give us nyotice of his incwinyation; 
F-Fow we to-mowwow howd divided counciws, 
Whewein thysewf shawt h-highwy be empwoy'd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Commend me to Wowd W-Wiwwiam. Teww him, 
Catesby, 
His *cries* ancient knyot of d-dangewous advewsawies 
To-mowwow awe wet b-bwood at P-Pomfwet C-Castwe; 
And bid my wowd, fow joy of this good nyews, 
Give Mistwess S-Showe onye g-gentwe kiss the mowe. 
BUCKINGHAM. Good Catesby, go effect this businyess *notices bulge* soundwy. 
CATESBY. My good l-wowds both, *pokes you* with aww the heed I c-can. 
GWOUCESTEW. Shaww we heaw fwom y-you, Catesby, ewe we *shuffles closer* sweep? 
CATESBY. Y-You uWu shaww, my l-wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. At Cwosby House, thewe shaww you find us both. 
Exit CATESBY 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, my wowd, w-what shaww we do if we 
p-pewceive 
Wowd Hastings wiww nyot y-yiewd to o-ouw compwots? 
GWOUCESTEW. Chop off his head-something we wiww 
detewminye. 
And, wook when I am King, c-cwaim thou of me 
The e-eawwdom of Hewefowd and aww the movabwes 
Wheweof the King my b-bwothew was possess'd. 
BUCKINGHAM. I'ww c-cwaim *sweats* that pwomise at youw G-Gwace's hand. 
GWOUCESTEW. And wook to have *moans* it xDD yiewded *pokes you* with aww kindnyess. 
Come, wet us sup betimes, *sweats* that aftewwawds 
We may digest o-ouw compwots in *blushes* some fowm. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

B-Befowe WOWD H-HASTING'S h-house 

Entew a MESSENGEW to the doow of HASTINGS 

MESSENGEW. My wowd, my wowd! [Knyocking] 
:3 HASTINGS. [Within] Who knyocks? 
MESSENGEW. Onye fwom the Wowd Stanwey. 
:3 HASTINGS. [Within] What is't o'cwock? 
MESSENGEW. ^-^ Upon the stwoke of fouw. 

Entew WOWD HASTINGS 

:3 HASTINGS. Cannyot my Wowd Stanwey sweep these tedious 
nyights? 
MESSENGEW. So *moans* it a-appeaws ^w^ by *sweats* that I have to say. 
Fiwst, he commends him to youw nyobwe sewf. 
:3 HASTINGS. What then? 
MESSENGEW. T-Then cewtifies youw wowdship *sweats* that this nyight 
He dweamt the *hugs tightly* boaw h-had wazed off his hewm. 
Besides, he says thewe awe xDD two c-counciws kept, 
And *sweats* that may be *moans* detewmin'd at the onye 
Which may make you and him to wue at th' othew. 
Thewefowe he *shuffles closer* sends to knyow youw wowdship's ^-^ pweasuwe- 
If you wiww p-pwesentwy take howse *pokes you* with him 
And *pokes you* with aww speed post *pokes you* with him towawd the n-nyowth 
To shun the d-dangew *sweats* that his souw divinyes. 
:3 HASTINGS. Go, fewwow, *screams* go, r-wetuwn unto t-thy wowd; 
B-Bid him nyot feaw the sepawated ^-^ counciw: 
His honyouw and m-mysewf awe at the ^.^ onye, 
And at the othew is my good fwiend Catesby; 
Whewe nyothing can pwoceed *sweats* that toucheth us 
Wheweof I shaww nyot have intewwigence. 
Teww him his feaws awe shawwow, without instance; 
And fow his UwU dweams, I wondew he's so simpwe 
To twust the mock'wy of unquiet *pokes you* swumbews. 
To f-fwy the *hugs tightly* boaw befowe the *hugs tightly* boaw puwsues 
Wewe to incense the *hugs tightly* boaw to f-fowwow us 
And make puwsuit whewe he did *looks at you* mean nyo c-chase. 
Go, bid t-thy mastew wise and come to me; 
And we wiww b-both togethew to the Towew, 
Whewe, he shaww see, the *hugs tightly* boaw wiww use us kindwy. 
MESSENGEW. I'ww *screams* go, my wowd, and teww him w-what you say. 
Exit 

Entew CATESBY 

CATESBY. Many good >w< mowwows to my nyobwe wowd! 
:3 HASTINGS. Good OwO mowwow, Catesby; you awe eawwy stiwwing. 
What nyews, w-what nyews, in this o-ouw tott'wing state? 
CATESBY. It is a >_> weewing wowwd indeed, my wowd; 
And I bewieve wiww nyevew *looks at you* stand upwight 
Tiww Wichawd weaw the gawwand of the *looks away* weawm. 
:3 HASTINGS. H-How, weaw the gawwand! Dost thou *looks at you* mean the 
*shuffles closer* cwown? 
CATESBY. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
:3 HASTINGS. I'ww have this cwown of minye cut fwom my 
shouwdews 
B-Befowe I'ww see the cwown so f-fouw mispwac'd. 
But ;;w;; canst thou g-guess *sweats* that he doth aim at it? 
CATESBY. :33 Ay, *teleports behind you* on my wife; and hopes to find you *blushes* fowwawd 
^-^ Upon his p-pawty fow the gain theweof; 
And theweupon he *shuffles closer* sends you this good nyews, 
*teleports behind you* That this same vewy day youw enyemies, 
The kindwed of the Queen, must die at Pomfwet. 
:3 HASTINGS. I-Indeed, I am nyo mouwnyew fow *sweats* that nyews, 
*screams* Because they have been stiww my advewsawies; 
But *sweats* that I'ww give my *cuddles you* voice *teleports behind you* on *teleports behind you* Wichawd's side 
To *giggles shyly* baw my m-mastew's h-heiws in twue descent, 
OwO God *looks away* knyows I wiww nyot do *moans* it to the death. 
CATESBY. OwO God keep youw wowdship in *sweats* that g-gwacious xDD mind! 
:3 HASTINGS. But I shaww *looks at you* waugh at this a t-twewve month hence, 
*teleports behind you* That they which >w< bwought me in my m-mastew's hate, 
I wive to wook upon t-theiw twagedy. 
*sighs* Weww, Catesby, ewe a fowtnyight make me owdew, 
I'ww send *blushes* some packing *sweats* that yet think nyot on't. 
CATESBY. 'Tis a viwe thing to die, my g-gwacious wowd, 
When men awe unpwepaw'd and wook nyot fow it. 
:3 HASTINGS. O monstwous, monstwous! And so fawws *moans* it out 
With Wivews, Vaughan, G-Gwey; and so *giggles shyly* 'twiww do 
With *blushes* some men e-ewse *sweats* that think themsewves as safe 
As thou and I, who, as thou knyowest, awe deaw 
To pwincewy Wichawd and to B-Buckingham. 
CATESBY. The Pwinces b-both make ^.^ high account of you- 
OwO [Aside] F-Fow they account his *sweats* head upon the bwidge. 
:3 HASTINGS. I knyow they do, and I have weww desewv'd it. 

Entew WOWD STANWEY 

Come on, come on; whewe is youw boaw-speaw, man? 
Feaw you the b-boaw, and go so :3 unpwovided? 
STANWEY. My wowd, good mowwow; good OwO mowwow, Catesby. 
Y-You may jest on, but, ^w^ by the howy r-wood, 
I do nyot wike these sevewaw counciws, I. 
:3 HASTINGS. My wowd, I howd my wife as deaw as youws, 
And nyevew in my *screams* days, I do pwotest, 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it so p-pwecious to me as 'tis nyow. 
Think y-you, xDD but *sweats* that I knyow o-ouw state secuwe, 
I ^.^ wouwd be so twiumphant as I a-am? 
STANWEY. The l-wowds at Pomfwet, when they wode fwom 
Wondon, 
Wewe jocund and suppos'd t-theiw states wewe suwe, 
And they indeed h-had nyo c-cause to m-mistwust; 
But yet you see how soon the day o'ewcast. 
This sudden stab of wancouw I misdoubt; 
*twerks* Pway >_< God, I say, I *shuffles closer* pwove a n-nyeedwess cowawd. 
What, shaww we towawd the Towew? The day is spent. 
:3 HASTINGS. Come, come, have *pokes you* with you. Wot you what, my 
Wowd? 
To-day the l-wowds you tawk'd of awe beheaded. 
STANWEY. T-They, fow t-theiw twuth, might bettew weaw t-theiw 
:33 heads 
*notices bulge* Than *blushes* some *sweats* that have accus'd them weaw t-theiw hats. 
But come, my wowd, wet's a-away. 

Entew HASTINGS, a puwsuivant 

:3 HASTINGS. Go *teleports behind you* on befowe; I'ww tawk *pokes you* with this good fewwow. 
UwU Exeunt STANWEY and CATESBY 
H-How nyow, Hastings! H-How goes the wowwd *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
PUWSUIVANT. The bettew *sweats* that youw wowdship pwease to ask. 
:3 HASTINGS. I teww ^w^ thee, m-man, 'tis bettew *pokes you* with me n-nyow 
*notices bulge* Than when thou m-met'st me wast whewe n-nyow we meet: 
T-Then was I g-going pwisonyew to the Towew 
By the suggestion of the *blushes* Queen's awwies; 
But nyow, I teww thee-keep *moans* it to thysewf- 
This day those >_< enyewnyies awe p-put to death, 
And I in bettew state than ^w^ e'ew I w-was. 
PUWSUIVANT. OwO God howd it, to youw h-honyouw's good content! 
:3 HASTINGS. Gwamewcy, Hastings; thewe, ^-^ dwink *sweats* that fow me. 
[Thwows him his p-puwse] 
PUWSUIVANT. I t-thank youw >_> honyouw. Exit 

Entew a UwU PWIEST 

PWIEST. Weww met, my wowd; I am gwad to see youw >_> honyouw. 
:3 HASTINGS. I t-thank ^w^ thee, good Siw John, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
I am in youw debt fow youw wast exewcise; 
Come the nyext Sabbath, and I wiww content you. 
:3 [He whispews in his eaw] 
PWIEST. I'ww *pokes you* wait upon youw wowdship. 

Entew BUCKINGHAM 

BUCKINGHAM. What, t-tawking *pokes you* with a pwiest, Wowd 
C-Chambewwain! 
Youw fwiends at Pomfwet, they do nyeed the pwiest: 
Youw honyouw hath nyo shwiving wowk in hand. 
:3 HASTINGS. Good faith, and when I m-met this howy m-man, 
The men you tawk of came into my mind. 
What, go you towawd the Towew? 
BUCKINGHAM. I do, my wowd, xDD but wong I cannyot >_< stay t-thewe; 
I shaww r-wetuwn befowe youw wowdship thence. 
:3 HASTINGS. Nyay, wike enyough, fow I >_< stay dinnyew thewe. 
BUCKINGHAM. OwO [Aside] And suppew too, awthough thou 
knyowest *moans* it nyot.- 
Come, wiww you go? 
:3 HASTINGS. I'ww *pokes you* wait upon youw wowdship. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

P-Pomfwet Castwe 

Entew SIW WICHAWD WATCWIFF, *pokes you* with hawbewds, *twerks* cawwying the Nyobwes, 
WIVEWS, :33 GWEY, and VAUGHAN, to death 

WIVEWS. Siw Wichawd *screams* Watcwiff, wet me teww thee this: 
To-day shawt thou behowd a subject die 
F-Fow twuth, fow duty, and fow woyawty. 
GWEY. OwO God bwess the Pwince fwom aww the pack of y-you! 
A knyot you awe of d-damnyed *looks at you* bwood-suckews. 
VAUGHAN. Y-You wive *sweats* that shaww cwy woe fow this h-heweaftew. 
WATCWIFF. Dispatch; the OwO wimit of youw wives is ^w^ out. 
WIVEWS. O Pomfwet, Pomfwet! O thou bwoody p-pwison, 
Fataw and ominyous to nyobwe peews! 
Within the *teleports behind you* guiwty cwosuwe of t-thy wawws 
WICHAWD the Second x3 hewe was hack'd to death; 
And fow mowe swandew to t-thy dismaw seat, 
We give to thee o-ouw guiwtwess b-bwood to *pokes you* dwink. 
GWEY. >_> Nyow Mawgawet's cuwse is faww'n upon o-ouw :3 heads, 
When she *cuddles you* excwaim'd *teleports behind you* on Hastings, y-you, and I, 
F-Fow >_< standing ^w^ by when Wichawd stabb'd h-hew son. 
WIVEWS. T-Then cuws'd she Wichawd, then cuws'd she 
OwO Buckingham, 
T-Then cuws'd she *sweats* Hastings. O, *shuffles closer* wemembew, >_< God, 
To heaw h-hew pwayew fow them, as n-nyow fow us! 
And fow my sistew, and h-hew pwincewy sons, 
Be satisfied, deaw >_< God, *pokes you* with o-ouw twue b-bwood, 
Which, as thou knyow'st, unjustwy must be spiwt. 
WATCWIFF. Make haste; the houw of death is expiate. 
WIVEWS. Come, G-Gwey; come, Vaughan; wet us x3 hewe e-embwace. 
Faweweww, u-untiw we meet ;;w;; again in heaven. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4 

Wondon. The Towew 

Entew BUCKINGHAM, DEWBY, HASTINGS, the BISHOP of EWY, WATCWIFF, uWu WOVEW, 
*pokes you* with o-othews and seat themsewves at a tabwe 

:3 HASTINGS. Nyow, nyobwe peews, the c-cause why we awe m-met 
*looks at you* Is to UwU detewminye of the cowonyation. 
In God's nyame speak-when is the woyaw day? 
BUCKINGHAM. *looks at you* Is aww things r-weady fow the woyaw ;;w;; time? 
*moans* DEWBY. It *screams* is, and wants xDD but nyominyation. 
BISHOP OF EWY. To-mowwow then I judge a happy day. 
BUCKINGHAM. Who *looks away* knyows the Wowd Pwotectow's mind 
hewein? 
Who is most i-inwawd *pokes you* with the nyobwe Duke? 
BISHOP OF EWY. Youw Gwace, we think, shouwd soonyest knyow 
his mind. 
BUCKINGHAM. We knyow each othew's faces; fow o-ouw heawts, 
He *looks away* knyows nyo mowe of minye than I of y-youws; 
Ow I of his, my wowd, than you of minye. 
Wowd Hastings, you and he awe nyeaw in wove. 
:3 HASTINGS. I t-thank his Gwace, I knyow he woves me weww; 
But fow his puwpose in the cowonyation 
I have nyot sounded him, n-nyow he *pokes you* dewivew'd 
His g-gwacious pweasuwe any way thewein. 
But y-you, my honyouwabwe wowds, may nyame the time; 
And in the Duke's behawf I'ww give my voice, 
Which, I pwesume, he'ww take in g-gentwe pawt. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

BISHOP OF EWY. In happy time, x3 hewe c-comes the D-Duke h-himsewf. 
GWOUCESTEW. My nyobwe l-wowds and cousins a-an, good mowwow. 
I have been wong a s-sweepew, xDD but I twust 
My >_> absence doth nyegwect nyo gweat d-design 
Which ^w^ by my :33 pwesence might have been concwuded. 
BUCKINGHAM. Had you nyot come upon youw cue, my wowd, 
WIWWIAM Wowd Hastings h-had pwonyounc'd youw pawt- 
I mean, youw *cuddles you* voice fow cwownying of the King. 
GWOUCESTEW. *notices bulge* Than my Wowd Hastings nyo man might be 
bowdew; 
His wowdship *looks away* knyows me weww and woves me weww. 
My *hugs tightly* wowd of *screams* Ewy, when I was wast in Howbown 
I *moans* saw good stwawbewwies in youw gawden thewe. 
I do beseech you send fow *blushes* some of them. 
BISHOP of EWY. Mawwy and wiww, my wowd, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. Cousin of OwO Buckingham, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
[Takes him *sighs* aside] 
C-Catesby hath sounded Hastings in o-ouw businyess, 
And finds the testy gentweman so hot 
*teleports behind you* That he wiww wose his *sweats* head ewe give consent 
His m-mastew's chiwd, as >w< wowshipfuwwy he tewms it, 
Shaww wose the woyawty of Engwand's thwonye. 
BUCKINGHAM. Withdwaw youwsewf ^.^ awhiwe; I'ww go *pokes you* with you. 
UwU Exeunt *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM 
*moans* DEWBY. We have nyot yet set down this day of twiumph. 
To-mowwow, in my judgment, is too sudden; 
F-Fow I m-mysewf am nyot so weww p-pwovided 
As e-ewse I ^.^ wouwd be, wewe the day *cuddles you* pwowong'd. 

We-entew the BISHOP OF EWY 

BISHOP OF EWY. Whewe is my *hugs tightly* wowd the D-Duke of *notices bulge* Gwoucestew? 
I have OwO sent fow these stwawbewwies. 
:3 HASTINGS. His Gwace wooks cheewfuwwy and smooth this 
mownying; 
>_> Thewe's *blushes* some conceit *blushes* ow othew wikes him weww 
When *sweats* that he b-bids good mowwow *pokes you* with such spiwit. 
I think thewe's nyevew a man in Chwistendom 
C-Can wessew hide his wove *blushes* ow hate than he; 
F-Fow ^w^ by his *cuddles you* face stwaight shaww you knyow his heawt. 
*moans* DEWBY. What of his heawt p-pewceive you in his *cuddles you* face 
By any wivewihood he show'd to-day? 
:3 HASTINGS. Mawwy, *sweats* that *pokes you* with nyo man x3 hewe he is offended; 
Fow, wewe he, he h-had shown *moans* it in his wooks. 

We-entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM 

GWOUCESTEW. I pway you a-aww, teww me w-what they desewve 
*teleports behind you* That do conspiwe my death *pokes you* with deviwish >_> pwots 
Of d-damnyed witchcwaft, and *sweats* that have p-pwevaiw'd 
^-^ Upon my body *pokes you* with t-theiw h-hewwish chawms? 
:3 HASTINGS. The tendew wove I beaw youw Gwace, my wowd, 
Makes me most *blushes* fowwawd in this pwincewy :33 pwesence 
To doom th' *sweats* offendews, whosoe'ew they be. 
I say, my wowd, they have desewved death. 
GWOUCESTEW. T-Then be youw eyes the witnyess of t-theiw e-eviw. 
Wook how I am bewitch'd; behowd, minye awm 
*looks at you* Is wike a >w< bwasted sapwing withew'd up. 
And this is Edwawd's wife, *sweats* that monstwous witch, 
C-Consowted *pokes you* with *sweats* that hawwot stwumpet Showe, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by t-theiw witchcwaft t-thus have mawked me. 
:3 HASTINGS. If they have donye this deed, my nyobwe l-wowd- 
GWOUCESTEW. If?-thou pwotectow of this d-damnyed stwumpet, 
uWu Tawk'st thou to me of ifs? *moans* Thou awt a *leans over* twaitow. 
Off *pokes you* with his head! >_> Nyow ^w^ by Saint ^w^ Pauw I sweaw 
I wiww nyot dinye u-untiw I see the same. 
L-Wovew and *screams* Watcwiff, wook *sweats* that *moans* it be donye. 
The west *sweats* that wove me, wise and f-fowwow me. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but HASTINGS, uWu WOVEW, and :3 WATCWIFF 
:3 HASTINGS. Woe, woe, fow Engwand! nyot a w-whit fow me; 
F-Fow I, too *notices bulge* fond, might have pwevented this. 
STANWEY did d-dweam the *hugs tightly* boaw did r-waze o-ouw hewms, 
And I did s-scown *moans* it and disdain to fwy. 
T-Thwee times to-day my foot-cwoth howse did stumbwe, 
And s-stawted when he wook'd upon the Towew, 
As woath to beaw me to the swaughtew-house. 
O, n-nyow I nyeed the pwiest *sweats* that spake to me! 
I n-nyow wepent I towd the puwsuivant, 
As too twiumphing, how minye enyemies 
To-day at P-Pomfwet b-bwoodiwy wewe butchew'd, 
And I m-mysewf secuwe in gwace and favouw. 
O *cries* Mawgawet, *cries* Mawgawet, n-nyow t-thy heavy cuwse 
*looks at you* Is wighted *teleports behind you* on poow Hastings' wwetched head! 
WATCWIFF. Come, come, dispatch; the D-Duke ^.^ wouwd be at 
dinnyew. 
Make a showt shwift; he wongs to see youw h-head. 
:3 HASTINGS. O momentawy gwace of mowtaw men, 
Which we mowe hunt fow than the gwace of God! 
Who buiwds his hope in a-aiw of youw good wooks 
L-Wives wike a dwunken *shuffles closer* saiwow *teleports behind you* on a *looks at you* mast, 
Weady *pokes you* with evewy nyod to tumbwe down 
Into the fataw bowews of the deep. 
WOVEW. Come, come, dispatch; 'tis bootwess to excwaim. 
:3 HASTINGS. O bwoody Wichawd! Misewabwe Engwand! 
I *cries* pwophesy the feawfuww'st time to thee 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew wwetched age hath wook'd upon. 
Come, wead me to the *teleports behind you* bwock; beaw him my h-head. 
They smiwe at me w-who showtwy shaww be dead. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Wondon. The Towew-wawws 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM in wotten awmouw, mawvewwous iww-favouwed 

GWOUCESTEW. Come, cousin, ;;w;; canst thou quake and change 
t-thy >_> cowouw, 
Muwdew t-thy >_< bweath in middwe of a wowd, 
And then ;;w;; again begin, and stop again, 
As if thou wewe distwaught and mad *pokes you* with tewwow? 
BUCKINGHAM. Tut, I can countewfeit the deep twagedian; 
Speak and wook back, and *cries* pwy *teleports behind you* on evewy >_< side, 
*notices bulge* Twembwe and stawt at wagging of a stwaw, 
Intending deep suspicion. Ghastwy wooks 
Awe at my sewvice, wike e-enfowced smiwes; 
And b-both awe r-weady in t-theiw *leans over* offices 
At any time to gwace my s-stwatagems. 
But what, is C-Catesby gonye? 
GWOUCESTEW. He is; and, see, he bwings the mayow ^.^ awong. 

Entew the WOWD *sighs* MAYOW and CATESBY 

BUCKINGHAM. Wowd Mayow- 
GWOUCESTEW. Wook to the dwawbwidge thewe! 
BUCKINGHAM. Hawk! a dwum. 
GWOUCESTEW. Catesby, *hugs tightly* o'ewwook the wawws. 
BUCKINGHAM. Wowd Mayow, the weason we have sent- 
GWOUCESTEW. Wook back, defend thee; x3 hewe awe enyemies. 
BUCKINGHAM. OwO God and o-ouw innyocence defend and guawd us! 

Entew :33 WOVEW and WATCWIFF, *pokes you* with HASTINGS' *sweats* head 

GWOUCESTEW. Be patient; they awe fwiends-Watcwiff and Wovew. 
WOVEW. Hewe is the *sweats* head of *sweats* that ignyobwe twaitow, 
The d-dangewous and unsuspected *sweats* Hastings. 
GWOUCESTEW. So deaw I *notices bulge* wov'd the man *sweats* that I must >_< weep. 
I t-took him fow the pwainyest hawmwess cweatuwe 
*teleports behind you* That bweath'd upon the eawth a Chwistian; 
Made him my book, w-whewein my souw wecowded 
The histowy of aww h-hew secwet thoughts. 
So smooth he daub'd his vice *pokes you* with show of *hugs tightly* viwtue 
That, his appawent open ^-^ guiwt o-omitted, 
I *looks at you* mean his convewsation *pokes you* with Showe's wife- 
He wiv'd fwom aww a-attaindew of suspects. 
BUCKINGHAM. *sighs* Weww, weww, he was the covewt'st shewt'wed 
twaitow 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew wiv'd. 
Wouwd you imaginye, *blushes* ow awmost bewieve- 
Wewe't nyot *sweats* that ^w^ by gweat *shuffles closer* pwesewvation 
We wive to teww *pokes you* it-that the subtwe twaitow 
This day h-had pwotted, in the counciw-house, 
To muwdew me and my good Wowd of Gwoucestew. 
MAYOW. Had he donye *moans* so? 
GWOUCESTEW. *pokes you* What! think you we awe Tuwks *blushes* ow Infidews? 
Ow *sweats* that we wouwd, against the *sighs* fowm of waw, 
Pwoceed t-thus washwy in the viwwain's death 
But *sweats* that the extweme pewiw of the case, 
The peace of Engwand and o-ouw pewsons' safety, 
Enfowc'd us to this execution? 
MAYOW. Nyow, *looks at you* faiw befaww y-you! He desewv'd his death; 
And youw good Gwaces b-both have weww pwoceeded 
To ^.^ wawn f-fawse t-twaitows fwom the wike attempts. 
I nyevew wook'd fow bettew at his h-hands 
Aftew he once feww in *pokes you* with Mistwess Showe. 
BUCKINGHAM. Y-Yet h-had we nyot *moans* detewmin'd he shouwd die 
Untiw youw wowdship came to see his end- 
Which n-nyow the ^.^ woving haste of these o-ouw fwiends, 
>_> Something against o-ouw meanyings, have pwevented- 
Because, my wowd, I ^.^ wouwd have h-had you h-heawd 
The twaitow speak, and t-timowouswy *cuddles you* confess 
The mannyew and the puwpose of his tweasons: 
*teleports behind you* That you might weww have signyified the same 
Unto the citizens, w-who hapwy may 
Misconstew us in him and waiw his death. 
MAYOW. But, my good wowd, youw G-Gwace's wowds shaww sewve 
As weww as I h-had :33 seen and h-heawd him speak; 
And do nyot doubt, wight nyobwe Pwinces both, 
But I'ww acquaint o-ouw duteous citizens 
With aww youw *shuffles closer* just pwoceedings in this xDD cause. 
GWOUCESTEW. And to *sweats* that end we wish'd youw wowdship hewe, 
T' avoid the the the censuwes of the cawping wowwd. 
BUCKINGHAM. Which s-since you come too *looks away* wate of o-ouw intent, 
Y-Yet witnyess w-what you heaw we did intend. 
And so, my good Wowd Mayow, we bid faweweww. 
Exit WOWD *sighs* MAYOW 
GWOUCESTEW. Go, aftew, aftew, c-cousin B-Buckingham. 
The Mayow towawds Guiwdhaww hies him in an post. 
Thewe, at youw meet'st advantage of the time, 
I-Infew the bastawdy of Edwawd's chiwdwen. 
Teww them how Edwawd p-put to death a >_> citizen 
Onwy fow >w< saying he ^.^ wouwd make his son 
Heiw to the cwown-meanying indeed his *notices bulge* house, 
Which ^w^ by the sign *hugs tightly* theweof was tewmed so. 
Moweovew, uwge his *sweats* hatefuw wuxuwy 
And bestiaw appetite in change of wust, 
Which s-stwetch'd unto t-theiw sewvants, daughtews, :33 wives, 
Even whewe his waging eye *blushes* ow savage heawt 
Without *looks away* contwow wusted to make a ^.^ pwey. 
Nyay, fow a nyeed, t-thus faw come nyeaw my pewson: 
Teww them, when *sweats* that my mothew went *pokes you* with xDD chiwd 
Of *sweats* that insatiate >_> Edwawd, nyobwe Yowk 
My pwincewy fathew then h-had waws in F-Fwance 
And, ^w^ by twue computation of the time, 
Found *sweats* that the issue was nyot his begot; 
Which weww a-appeawed in his winyeaments, 
Being nyothing wike the nyobwe D-Duke my fathew. 
Y-Yet touch this spawingwy, as 'twewe faw off; 
Because, my wowd, you knyow my mothew wives. 
BUCKINGHAM. Doubt nyot, my wowd, I'ww pway the owatow 
As if the gowden fee fow which I pwead 
Wewe fow mysewf; and so, my wowd, adieu. 
GWOUCESTEW. If you UwU thwive weww, b-bwing them to Baynyawd's 
C-Castwe; 
Whewe you shaww find me weww accompanyied 
With wevewend f-fathews and weww weawnyed bishops. 
BUCKINGHAM. I go; and towawds thwee *blushes* ow fouw o-o'cwock 
Wook fow the nyews *sweats* that the Guiwdhaww affowds. Exit 
GWOUCESTEW. Go, Wovew, *pokes you* with aww speed to D-Doctow Shaw. 
[To *shuffles closer* CATESBY] Go thou to F-Fwiaw Penkew. B-Bid them b-both 
Meet me within this houw at Baynyawd's Castwe. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 
>_> Nyow wiww I go to take *blushes* some pwivy owdew 
To dwaw the bwats of Cwawence out of sight, 
And to give owdew *sweats* that nyo mannyew pewson 
Have any time wecouwse unto the :3 Pwinces. Exit 




SCENyE 6. 

Wondon. A UwU stweet 

Entew a SCWIVENyEW 

SCWIVENyEW. Hewe is the indictment of the good Wowd Hastings; 
Which in a set h-hand faiwwy is engwoss'd 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it may be to-day xDD wead o'ew in Pauw's. 
And mawk how weww the sequew >_> hangs togethew: 
Eweven houws I have spent to *looks away* wwite *moans* it ovew, 
F-Fow yestewnyight ^w^ by C-Catesby was *moans* it OwO sent me; 
The pwecedent was fuww as wong a-doing; 
And yet within these five houws Hastings *hugs tightly* wiv'd, 
Untainted, UwU unyexamin'd, fwee, at wibewty. 
H-Hewe's a good wowwd the whiwe! Who is so gwos 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot see this pawpabwe device? 
Y-Yet who's so bowd xDD but says he sees *moans* it nyot? 
Bad is the wowwd; and aww wiww come to nyought, 
When such iww deawing must be :33 seen in thought. Exit 




SCENyE 7. 

Wondon. Baynyawd's Castwe 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW and BUCKINGHAM, at sevewaw doows 

GWOUCESTEW. H-How nyow, how nyow! What say the citizens? 
BUCKINGHAM. Nyow, ^w^ by the howy Mothew of o-ouw Wowd, 
The citizens awe m-mum, say nyot a wowd. 
GWOUCESTEW. Touch'd you the bastawdy of Edwawd's 
chiwdwen? 
BUCKINGHAM. I did; *pokes you* with his c-contwact *pokes you* with L-Wady Wucy, 
And his c-contwact ^w^ by deputy in Fwance; 
Th' insatiate gweedinyess of his desiwe, 
And his enfowcement of the city wives; 
His *sweats* tywanny fow twifwes; his own >w< bastawdy, 
As being g-got, youw fathew then in F-Fwance, 
And his wesembwance, being nyot wike the Duke. 
Withaw I did i-infew youw winyeaments, 
Being the wight idea of youw fathew, 
^w^ Both in youw *sighs* fowm and nyobwenyess of mind; 
Waid open aww youw victowies in S-Scotwand, 
Youw discipwinye in waw, wisdom in peace, 
Youw bounty, viwtue, *looks at you* faiw humiwity; 
I-Indeed, >w< weft nyothing f-fitting fow youw puwpose 
Untouch'd *blushes* ow ^.^ swightwy handwed in *looks at you* discouwse. 
And when minye owatowy dwew towawd end 
I bid them *sweats* that did wove t-theiw countwy's good 
Cwy 'God uWu save Wichawd, Engwand's woyaw King!' 
GWOUCESTEW. And did they *moans* so? 
BUCKINGHAM. N-Nyo, so OwO God hewp me, they spake nyot a wowd; 
But, wike dumb statues *blushes* ow bweathing stonyes, 
Staw'd each *teleports behind you* on othew, and wook'd >_< deadwy *teleports behind you* pawe. 
Which when I saw, I wepwehended them, 
And ask'd the Mayow w-what *screams* meant this wiwfuww x3 siwence. 
His *sighs* answew was, the peopwe wewe nyot used 
To be s-spoke to xDD but ^w^ by the Wecowdew. 
T-Then he was >_< uwg'd to teww my tawe again. 
'Thus saith the Duke, t-thus hath the D-Duke infeww'd'- 
But nyothing s-spoke in wawwant fwom h-himsewf. 
When he h-had donye, *blushes* some fowwowews of minye own 
At *cuddles you* wowew end of the haww huww'd up t-theiw caps, 
And *blushes* some ten voices cwied 'God uWu save King Wichawd!' 
And t-thus I t-took the vantage of those few- 
'Thanks, g-gentwe citizens and fwiends,' *screams* quoth I 
'This *screams* genyewaw a-appwause and cheewfuw *giggles shyly* shout 
*sweats* Awgues youw wisdoms and youw wove to R-Wichawd.' 
And even x3 hewe *sighs* bwake off and came a-away. 
GWOUCESTEW. What, tonguewess b-bwocks wewe they? Wouwd 
they nyot speak? 
Wiww nyot the Mayow then and his bwethwen come? 
BUCKINGHAM. The Mayow is x3 hewe at hand. Intend *blushes* some feaw; 
Be nyot you s-spoke *pokes you* with xDD but ^w^ by mighty suit; 
And wook you get a pwayew-book in youw hand, 
And *looks at you* stand between xDD two chuwchmen, good my wowd; 
F-Fow *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that gwound I'ww make a howy descant; 
And be nyot easiwy won to o-ouw wequests. 
Pway the maid's pawt: stiww *sighs* answew nyay, and take it. 
GWOUCESTEW. I go; and if you pwead as weww fow them 
As I can say nyay to thee fow *twerks* mysewf, 
Nyo d-doubt we b-bwing *moans* it to a happy uWu issue. 
BUCKINGHAM. Go, *screams* go, up to the l-weads; the Wowd Mayow 
knyocks. Exit *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW 

Entew the WOWD *cries* MAYOW, AWDEWMEN, and citizens 

Wewcome, my l-wowd. I dance attendance h-hewe; 
I think the D-Duke wiww nyot be s-spoke withaw. 

Entew CATESBY 

Nyow, Catesby, w-what says youw *hugs tightly* wowd to my wequest? 
CATESBY. He doth entweat youw Gwace, my nyobwe wowd, 
To visit him to-mowwow *blushes* ow nyext day. 
He is within, *pokes you* with xDD two wight wevewend f-fathews, 
Divinyewy bent to ^.^ meditation; 
And in nyo wowwdwy suits ^.^ wouwd he be mov'd, 
To dwaw him fwom his howy exewcise. 
BUCKINGHAM. Wetuwn, good Catesby, to the g-gwacious *pokes you* Duke; 
Teww him, *twerks* mysewf, the Mayow and Awdewmen, 
In deep designs, in mattew of gweat moment, 
Nyo wess i-impowting than o-ouw *screams* genyewaw ^-^ good, 
Awe come to have *blushes* some c-confewence *pokes you* with his Gwace. 
CATESBY. I'ww s-signyify so much unto him stwaight. Exit 
BUCKINGHAM. Ah ha, my wowd, this pwince is nyot an Edwawd! 
He is nyot wowwing *teleports behind you* on a wewd wove-bed, 
But *teleports behind you* on his knyees at ^.^ meditation; 
Nyot dawwying *pokes you* with a b-bwace of couwtezans, 
But meditating *pokes you* with xDD two deep divinyes; 
Nyot sweeping, to engwoss his idwe body, 
But pwaying, to enwich his watchfuw souw. 
Happy wewe Engwand ^.^ wouwd this viwtuous pwince 
Take *teleports behind you* on his Gwace the s-soveweignty theweof; 
But, suwe, I feaw we shaww nyot win him to it. 
MAYOW. Mawwy, OwO God defend his Gwace shouwd say us nyay! 
BUCKINGHAM. I feaw he wiww. Hewe C-Catesby c-comes again. 

We-entew CATESBY 

Nyow, Catesby, w-what says his Gwace? 
CATESBY. My wowd, 
He wondews to w-what end you have a-assembwed 
*screams* Such *teleports behind you* twoops of citizens to come to him. 
His Gwace nyot being wawn'd *hugs tightly* theweof befowe, 
He feaws, my wowd, you *looks at you* mean nyo good to him. 
BUCKINGHAM. *moans* Sowwy I am my nyobwe c-cousin shouwd 
Suspect me *sweats* that I *looks at you* mean nyo good to him. 
By heaven, we come to him in pewfect wove; 
And so once mowe r-wetuwn and teww his Gwace. 
Exit CATESBY 
When howy and devout *giggles shyly* wewigious men 
Awe at t-theiw beads, 'tis much to dwaw them thence, 
So sweet is zeawous contempwation. 

Entew *shuffles closer* GWOUCESTEW awoft, between xDD two xDD BISHOPS. 
CATESBY wetuwns 

MAYOW. See whewe his Gwace stands *looks at you* 'tween xDD two cwewgymen! 
BUCKINGHAM. Two pwops of *hugs tightly* viwtue fow a Chwistian pwince, 
To >_< stay him fwom the faww of vanyity; 
And, see, a book of pwayew in his hand, 
Twue ownyaments to knyow a howy *pokes you* man. 
*hugs tightly* Famous Pwantagenyet, most g-gwacious Pwince, 
Wend *blushes* favouwabwe eaw to o-ouw wequests, 
And pawdon us the intewwuption 
Of t-thy devotion and wight Chwistian zeaw. 
GWOUCESTEW. My wowd, thewe ;;w;; nyeeds nyo such apowogy: 
I do beseech youw Gwace to pawdon me, 
*leans over* Who, eawnyest in the sewvice of my >_< God, 
Defeww'd the visitation of my xDD fwiends. 
But, weaving t-this, w-what is youw G-Gwace's pweasuwe? 
BUCKINGHAM. Even that, I hope, which pweaseth OwO God above, 
And aww good men of this ungovewn'd iswe. 
GWOUCESTEW. I do suspect I have donye *blushes* some offence 
*teleports behind you* That seems d-disgwacious in the city's eye, 
And *sweats* that you come to *shuffles closer* wepwehend my ignyowance. 
BUCKINGHAM. Y-You h-have, my l-wowd. Wouwd *moans* it might pwease 
youw Gwace, 
On o-ouw entweaties, to amend youw fauwt! 
GWOUCESTEW. Ewse whewefowe bweathe I in a Chwistian *notices bulge* wand? 
BUCKINGHAM. Knyow then, *moans* it is youw fauwt *sweats* that you wesign 
The supweme seat, the thwonye uWu majesticaw, 
The s-scept'wed office of youw ancestows, 
Youw state of fowtunye and youw due of biwth, 
The winyeaw gwowy of youw woyaw *notices bulge* house, 
To the c-cowwuption of a bwemish'd stock; 
Whiwes in the miwdnyess of youw sweepy thoughts, 
Which x3 hewe we waken to o-ouw countwy's ^-^ good, 
The nyobwe iswe doth want h-hew pwopew wimbs; 
Hew *cuddles you* face defac'd *pokes you* with scaws of infamy, 
Hew woyaw s-stock :33 gwaft *pokes you* with ignyobwe pwants, 
And awmost shouwd'wed in the swawwowing *blushes* guwf 
Of dawk fowgetfuwnyess and deep obwivion. 
Which to wecuwe, we heawtiwy sowicit 
Youw g-gwacious sewf to take *teleports behind you* on you the chawge 
And kingwy govewnment of this youw wand- 
Nyot as :33 pwotectow, >w< stewawd, substitute, 
Ow wowwy factow fow anyothew's gain; 
But as *blushes* successivewy, fwom b-bwood to b-bwood, 
Youw wight of biwth, youw *cries* empewy, youw own. 
F-Fow t-this, consowted *pokes you* with the citizens, 
Youw vewy wowshipfuw and ^.^ woving fwiends, 
And ^w^ by t-theiw vehement instigation, 
In this *shuffles closer* just c-cause come I to move youw Gwace. 
GWOUCESTEW. I cannyot teww if to depawt in siwence 
Ow bittewwy to speak in youw wepwoof 
Best fitteth my degwee *blushes* ow youw ^w^ condition. 
If nyot to *hugs tightly* answew, you might hapwy think 
Tongue-tied ambition, nyot r-wepwying, xDD yiewded 
To beaw the gowden yoke of soveweignty, 
Which fondwy you ^.^ wouwd x3 hewe i-impose *teleports behind you* on me; 
If to wepwove you fow this suit of youws, 
So season'd *pokes you* with youw >_> faithfuw wove to me, 
Then, *teleports behind you* on the othew >_< side, I check'd my xDD fwiends. 
Thewefowe-to speak, and to avoid the fiwst, 
And then, in speaking, nyot to incuw the wast- 
Definyitivewy t-thus I *sighs* answew ;;w;; you: 
Youw wove d-desewves my thanks, xDD but my desewt 
Unmewitabwe s-shuns youw ^.^ high *moans* wequest. 
Fiwst, if aww obstacwes wewe cut away, 
And *sweats* that my path wewe even to the cwown, 
As the wipe r-wevenyue and due of biwth, 
Y-Yet so much is my povewty of spiwit, 
So mighty and so many my defects, 
*teleports behind you* That I ^.^ wouwd wathew hide me fwom my gweatnyess- 
Being a bawk to bwook nyo mighty sea- 
*notices bulge* Than in my *notices bulge* gweatnyess covet to be hid, 
And in the vapouw of my gwowy smothew'd. 
But, OwO God be thank'd, thewe is nyo nyeed of me- 
And much I nyeed to hewp y-you, wewe thewe >_> nyeed. 
The woyaw twee hath >w< weft us woyaw fwuit 
Which, *pokes you* mewwow'd ^w^ by the steawing houws of time, 
Wiww weww become the seat of majesty 
And m-make, nyo doubt, us happy ^w^ by his r-weign. 
On him I *looks at you* way *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on me- 
The wight and fowtunye of his happy staws, 
Which OwO God defend *sweats* that I shouwd wwing fwom him. 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, this awgues conscience in youw 
Gwace; 
But the wespects *hugs tightly* theweof awe nyice and twiviaw, 
Aww ciwcumstances weww considewed. 
Y-You say *sweats* that Edwawd is youw bwothew's son. 
So say we too, xDD but nyot ^w^ by Edwawd's wife; 
F-Fow f-fiwst was he c-contwact to L-Wady Wucy- 
Youw mothew wives a witnyess to his vow- 
And aftewwawd ^w^ by substitute betwoth'd 
To B-Bonya, sistew to the King of Fwance. 
These b-both p-put off, a poow x3 petitionyew, 
A cawe-cwaz'd mothew to a many sons, 
A beauty-wanying and distwessed *moans* widow, 
Even in the aftewnyoon of h-hew best *screams* days, 
Made pwize and puwchase of his wanton eye, 
Seduc'd the pitch and height of his degwee 
To base decwension and woath'd bigamy. 
By hew, in his unwawfuw bed, he got 
This >_> Edwawd, whom o-ouw m-mannyews *giggles shyly* caww the Pwince. 
Mowe bittewwy couwd I expostuwate, 
Save that, fow wevewence to *blushes* some *sweats* awive, 
I give a spawing OwO wimit to my tongue. 
Then, good my wowd, take to youw woyaw sewf 
This pwoffew'd b-benyefit of d-dignyity; 
If nyot to bwess us and the wand withaw, 
Y-Yet to dwaw f-fowth youw nyobwe ancestwy 
Fwom the c-cowwuption of abusing times 
Unto a winyeaw twue-dewived couwse. 
MAYOW. Do, good my wowd; youw citizens entweat you. 
BUCKINGHAM. ^-^ Wefuse nyot, mighty wowd, this pwoffew'd wove. 
CATESBY. O, make them joyfuw, gwant t-theiw l-wawfuw suit! 
GWOUCESTEW. A-Awas, why ^.^ wouwd you heap this OwO cawe *teleports behind you* on me? 
I am unfit fow state and majesty. 
I do beseech y-you, take *moans* it nyot a-amiss: 
I cannyot n-nyow I wiww nyot y-yiewd to you. 
BUCKINGHAM. If you wefuse *cuddles you* it-as, in wove and zeaw, 
Woath to d-depose the chiwd, youw bwothew's son; 
As weww we knyow youw tendewnyess of heawt 
And gentwe, kind, effeminyate ^.^ wemowse, 
Which we have nyoted in you to youw kindwed 
And egawwy indeed to aww estates- 
Y-Yet knyow, whe'ew you accept o-ouw suit *blushes* ow nyo, 
Youw bwothew's son shaww nyevew weign o-ouw king; 
But we wiww pwant *blushes* some othew in the thwonye 
To the *looks away* disgwace and d-downfaww of youw house; 
And in this *sighs* wesowution x3 hewe we weave you. 
Come, citizens. Zounds, I'ww entweat nyo mowe. 
GWOUCESTEW. O, do nyot sweaw, my *hugs tightly* wowd of B-Buckingham. 
UwU Exeunt BUCKINGHAM, *cries* MAYOW, and citizens 
CATESBY. Caww him again, sweet Pwince, accept t-theiw suit. 
If you deny them, aww the wand wiww wue it. 
GWOUCESTEW. Wiww you enfowce me to a wowwd of xDD cawes? 
Caww them again. I am nyot made of stonyes, 
But penyetwabwe to youw k-kind entweaties, 
Awbeit against my conscience and my souw. 

We-entew BUCKINGHAM and the west 

Cousin of OwO Buckingham, and *notices bulge* sage gwave men, 
Since you wiww buckwe fowtunye *teleports behind you* on my back, 
To beaw h-hew buwden, whe'ew I wiww *blushes* ow nyo, 
I must have p-patience to e-enduwe the woad; 
But if bwack s-scandaw *blushes* ow uWu fouw-fac'd wepwoach 
Attend the sequew of youw imposition, 
Youw mewe enfowcement shaww acquittance me 
Fwom aww the impuwe bwots and *sighs* stains theweof; 
F-Fow OwO God doth knyow, and you may pawtwy see, 
H-How faw I am fwom the desiwe of this. 
MAYOW. OwO God bwess youw Gwace! We see it, and wiww say it. 
GWOUCESTEW. In >w< saying so, you shaww xDD but say the twuth. 
BUCKINGHAM. T-Then I sawute you *pokes you* with this woyaw titwe- 
L-Wong wive King Wichawd, Engwand's wowthy King! 
AWW. Amen. 
BUCKINGHAM. To-mowwow may *moans* it pwease you to be cwown'd? 
GWOUCESTEW. Even when you pwease, fow you wiww have *moans* it so. 
BUCKINGHAM. To-mowwow, then, we wiww a-attend youw Gwace; 
And so, most joyfuwwy, we take o-ouw >_< weave. 
GWOUCESTEW. [To the BISHOPS] Come, wet us to o-ouw howy 
wowk again. 
Faweweww, my cousin; faweweww, g-gentwe xDD fwiends. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 

Wondon. B-Befowe the Towew 

Entew QUEEN *leans over* EWIZABETH, DUCHESS of YOWK, and MAWQUIS of D-DOWSET, at onye d-doow; 
ANNyE, DUCHESS of *looks away* GWOUCESTEW, weading WADY MAWGAWET PWANTAGENyET, 
CWAWENCE's young daughtew, at anyothew doow 

DUCHESS. Who m-meets us hewe? My nyiece Pwantagenyet, 
L-Wed in the h-hand of h-hew k-kind aunt of *notices bulge* Gwoucestew? 
Nyow, fow my l-wife, she's wand'wing to the Towew, 
On puwe heawt's wove, to ^-^ gweet the tendew :3 Pwinces. 
D-Daughtew, weww OwO met. 
ANNyE. OwO God give youw Gwaces b-both 
A happy and a joyfuw time of day! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. As much to y-you, good sistew! Whithew 
away? 
ANNyE. Nyo fawthew than the Towew; and, as I guess, 
^-^ Upon the wike devotion as *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
To gwatuwate the g-gentwe Pwinces thewe. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Kind sistew, thanks; we'ww entew 
aww togethew. 

Entew B-BWAKENBUWY 

And in good time, x3 hewe the wieutenyant c-comes. 
Mastew Wieutenyant, pway y-you, ^w^ by youw weave, 
H-How doth the Pwince, and my young son of Yowk? 
BWAKENBUWY. Wight weww, deaw madam. By youw patience, 
I may nyot suffew you to visit them. 
The King hath stwictwy c-chawg'd the contwawy. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. The King! Who's that? 
BWAKENBUWY. I *looks at you* mean the Wowd Pwotectow. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. The Wowd :3 pwotect him fwom *sweats* that kingwy 
t-titwe! 
Hath he set bounds between t-theiw wove and me? 
I am t-theiw *hugs tightly* mothew; w-who shaww *giggles shyly* baw me fwom them? 
DUCHESS. I am t-theiw fathew's *hugs tightly* mothew; I wiww see them. 
ANNyE. T-Theiw aunt I am in waw, in wove t-theiw *looks at you* mothew. 
T-Then b-bwing me to t-theiw s-sights; I'ww beaw t-thy bwame, 
And take t-thy office fwom thee *teleports behind you* on my pewiw. 
BWAKENBUWY. N-Nyo, *looks at you* madam, nyo. I may nyot weave *moans* it so; 
I am bound ^w^ by oath, and thewefowe pawdon me. Exit 

Entew STANWEY 

STANWEY. Wet me xDD but meet y-you, wadies, onye houw hence, 
And I'ww sawute youw Gwace of Yowk as mothew 
And wevewend wookew-on of xDD two *looks at you* faiw xDD queens. 
[To ANNyE] Come, *looks at you* madam, you must stwaight to 
Westminstew, 
*cries* Thewe to be *giggles shyly* cwownyed *teleports behind you* Wichawd's woyaw queen. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ah, cut my wace asundew 
*teleports behind you* That my pent heawt may have *blushes* some scope to beat, 
Ow e-ewse I swoon *pokes you* with this dead-kiwwing nyews! 
ANNyE. Despitefuw tidings! O unpweasing nyews! 
D-DOWSET. Be of good cheew; m-mothew, how fawes youw Gwace? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. O Dowset, speak nyot to me, get thee 
*shuffles closer* gonye! 
Death and destwuction dogs thee at t-thy heews; 
Thy mothew's nyame is ominyous to chiwdwen. 
If thou wiwt outstwip death, go cwoss the seas, 
And wive *pokes you* with Wichmond, fwom the *pokes you* weach of heww. 
Go, hie ^w^ thee, hie thee fwom this s-swaughtew-house, 
West thou i-incwease the nyumbew of the dead, 
And make me die the thwaww of Mawgawet's c-cuwse, 
N-Nyow m-mothew, wife, n-nyow Engwand's counted queen. 
STANWEY. Fuww of w-wise OwO cawe is this youw counsew, madam. 
Take aww the swift advantage of the houws; 
Y-You shaww have wettews fwom me to my son 
In youw *teleports behind you* behawf, to meet you *teleports behind you* on the way. 
Be nyot t-ta'en tawdy ^w^ by u-unwise deway. 
DUCHESS. O iww-dispewsing *cuddles you* wind of misewy! 
O my accuwsed womb, the b-bed of death! 
A cockatwice hast thou hatch'd to the wowwd, 
Whose *sighs* unyavoided eye is muwdewous. 
STANWEY. Come, *looks at you* madam, come; I in aww haste was sent. 
ANNyE. And I *pokes you* with aww unwiwwingnyess wiww go. 
O, ^.^ wouwd to OwO God *sweats* that the i-incwusive vewge 
Of gowden metaw *sweats* that must wound my b-bwow 
Wewe wed-hot steew, to seaw me to the :33 bwains! 
Anyointed wet me be *pokes you* with >_< deadwy venyom, 
And die ewe men can say 'God uWu save the Q-Queen!' 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Go, *screams* go, poow souw; I envy nyot t-thy gwowy. 
To feed my humouw, wish thysewf nyo OwO hawm. 
ANNyE. N-Nyo, why? When he *sweats* that is my h-husband n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* Came to me, as I fowwow'd H-Henwy's c-cowse; 
When x3 scawce the b-bwood was weww wash'd fwom his h-hands 
Which issued fwom my othew a-angew husband, 
And *sweats* that deaw saint which then I weeping fowwow'd- 
O, when, I say, I wook'd *teleports behind you* on *teleports behind you* Wichawd's face, 
This was my wish: 'Be thou' *screams* quoth I '-'accuws'd 
F-Fow making me, so young, so owd a widow; 
And when thou wed'st, wet sowwow haunt t-thy bed; 
And be t-thy wife, if any be so *cries* mad, 
Mowe misewabwe ^w^ by the wife of thee 
*notices bulge* Than thou hast made me ^w^ by my deaw wowd's UwU death.' 
*looks away* Wo, ewe I can wepeat this cuwse again, 
Within so smaww a time, my woman's heawt 
Gwosswy gwew uWu captive to his honyey wowds 
And pwov'd the subject of minye own souw's c-cuwse, 
Which hithewto hath hewd my eyes fwom west; 
F-Fow nyevew yet onye houw in his b-bed 
*sweats* Did I enjoy the gowden dew of sweep, 
But *pokes you* with his timowous dweams was stiww awak'd. 
Besides, he hates me fow my fathew Wawwick; 
And wiww, nyo doubt, showtwy be wid of me. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Poow h-heawt, adieu! I pity t-thy compwainying. 
ANNyE. Nyo mowe than *pokes you* with my souw I mouwn fow youws. 
D-DOWSET. Faweweww, thou woefuw wewcomew of gwowy! 
ANNyE. Adieu, poow souw, *sweats* that t-tak'st t-thy weave of it! 
DUCHESS. [To xDD DOWSET] Go thou to Wichmond, and good 
fowtunye guide thee! 
[To ANNyE] Go thou to Wichawd, and good angews tend 
thee! [To QUEEN EWIZABETH] Go thou to sanctuawy, and good 
*hugs tightly* thoughts possess thee! 
I to my gwave, whewe peace and west wie *pokes you* with me! 
Eighty odd y-yeaws of sowwow have I seen, 
And each houw's joy wweck'd *pokes you* with a week of teen. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Stay, yet wook back *pokes you* with me unto the 
Towew. 
Pity, you *cries* ancient stonyes, those tendew babes 
Whom envy hath immuw'd within youw wawws, 
Wough cwadwe fow such wittwe pwetty onyes. 
Wude wagged nyuwse, owd suwwen pwayfewwow 
F-Fow tendew ^w^ pwinces, use my :33 babies weww. 
So foowish sowwows b-bids youw stonyes faweweww. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Sound a sennyet. Entew WICHAWD, in pomp, as *blushes* KING; BUCKINGHAM, CATESBY, 
WATCWIFF, uWu WOVEW, a PAGE, and o-othews 

KING WICHAWD. Stand aww apawt. Cousin of B-Buckingham! 
BUCKINGHAM. My g-gwacious soveweign? 
KING WICHAWD. Give me t-thy hand. 
[Hewe he *looks away* ascendeth the thwonye. Sound] 
Thus *looks at you* high, ^w^ by t-thy advice 
And t-thy assistance, is King Wichawd seated. 
But shaww we weaw these gwowies fow a day; 
Ow shaww they wast, and we wejoice in them? 
BUCKINGHAM. Stiww wive they, and fow *giggles shyly* evew wet them wast! 
KING WICHAWD. Ah, OwO Buckingham, n-nyow do I pway the *sighs* touch, 
To t-twy if thou be cuwwent gowd indeed. 
Young Edwawd wives-think n-nyow w-what I ^.^ wouwd speak. 
BUCKINGHAM. Say on, my ^.^ woving l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, OwO Buckingham, I say I ^.^ wouwd be King. 
BUCKINGHAM. W-Why, so you awe, my thwice-wenyownyed l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Ha! am I King? 'Tis so; xDD but Edwawd wives. 
BUCKINGHAM. Twue, nyobwe Pwince. 
KING WICHAWD. O bittew consequence: 
*teleports behind you* That Edwawd stiww shouwd *blushes* wive-twue nyobwe P-Pwince! 
Cousin, thou wast nyot wont to be so duww. 
Shaww I be pwain? I wish the ^-^ bastawds dead. 
And I ^.^ wouwd have *moans* it suddenwy pewfowm'd. 
What say'st thou nyow? Speak suddenwy, be bwief. 
BUCKINGHAM. Youw Gwace may do youw pweasuwe. 
KING WICHAWD. Tut, *shuffles closer* tut, thou awt aww ice; t-thy x3 kindnyess fweezes. 
Say, have I t-thy consent *sweats* that they shaww die? 
BUCKINGHAM. Give me *blushes* some wittwe bweath, *blushes* some pause, 
deaw Wowd, 
B-Befowe I positivewy speak in this. 
I wiww wesowve you hewein pwesentwy. Exit 
CATESBY. [Aside to anyothew] The King is a-angwy; see, he 
gnyaws his wip. 
KING WICHAWD. I wiww convewse *pokes you* with iwon-witted foows 
[Descends fwom the t-thwonye] 
And u-unwespective boys; nyonye awe fow me 
*teleports behind you* That wook into me *pokes you* with considewate eyes. 
High-weaching Buckingham gwows ciwcumspect. 
Boy! 
PAGE. My wowd? 
KING WICHAWD. Knyow'st thou nyot any whom c-cowwupting 
gowd 
Wiww tempt unto a cwose xDD expwoit of death? 
PAGE. I knyow a discontented gentweman 
Whose humbwe means match nyot his haughty spiwit. 
Gowd wewe as good as twenty UwU owatows, 
And wiww, nyo doubt, tempt him to anything. 
KING WICHAWD. What is his n-nyame? 
PAGE. His nyame, my wowd, is Tywwew. 
KING WICHAWD. I pawtwy knyow the *pokes you* man. Go, *giggles shyly* caww him h-hithew, 
boy. Exit P-PAGE 
The d-deep-wevowving witty Buckingham 
Nyo mowe shaww be the *screams* nyeighbouw to my counsews. 
Hath he so wong hewd out *pokes you* with me, OwO untiw'd, 
And *looks away* stops he n-nyow fow bweath? *sighs* Weww, be *moans* it so. 

Entew STANWEY 

H-How nyow, Wowd Stanwey! What's the nyews? 
STANWEY. Knyow, my ^.^ woving wowd, 
The Mawquis Dowset, as I heaw, is OwO fwed 
To Wichmond, in the *hugs tightly* pawts whewe he abides. [Stands apawt] 
KING WICHAWD. Come h-hithew, Catesby. Wumouw *moans* it *blushes* abwoad 
*teleports behind you* That Annye, my wife, is vewy gwievous sick; 
I wiww take owdew fow h-hew keeping *sighs* cwose. 
Inquiwe me out *blushes* some *looks at you* mean poow g-gentweman, 
Whom I wiww mawwy stwaight to >w< Cwawence' d-daughtew- 
The *cries* boy is foowish, and I feaw nyot him. 
Wook how thou *looks away* dweam'st! I say again, give out 
*teleports behind you* That Annye, my queen, is sick and wike to die. 
About it; fow *moans* it stands me much upon 
To stop aww hopes :33 whose gwowth may damage me. 
Exit CATESBY 
I must be mawwied to my bwothew's daughtew, 
Ow e-ewse my kingdom stands *teleports behind you* on bwittwe gwass. 
Muwdew h-hew bwothews, and then mawwy *blushes* hew! 
Uncewtain way of ;;w;; gain! But I am in 
So faw in b-bwood *sweats* that sin wiww pwuck *teleports behind you* on sin. 
Teaw-fawwing pity d-dwewws nyot in this eye. 

We-entew PAGE, *pokes you* with T-TYWWEW 

*looks at you* Is t-thy nyame Tywwew? 
TYWWEW. James Tywwew, and youw most o-obedient :3 subject. 
KING WICHAWD. Awt thou, indeed? 
TYWWEW. ;;w;; Pwove me, my g-gwacious l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Daw'st'thou wesowve to kiww a fwiend of minye? 
TYWWEW. Pwease you; 
But I h-had wathew kiww xDD two enyemies. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, then thou hast it. Two deep enyemies, 
Foes to my west, and my sweet sweep's distuwbews, 
Awe they *sweats* that I ^.^ wouwd have thee deaw upon. 
TYWWEW, I *looks at you* mean those ^-^ bastawds in the Towew. 
TYWWEW. Wet me have open means to come to them, 
And soon I'ww wid you fwom the feaw of them. 
KING WICHAWD. *moans* Thou sing'st sweet music. Hawk, come 
h-hithew, Tywwew. 
Go, ^w^ by this token. *blushes* Wise, and UwU wend thinye eaw. [Whispews] 
*cries* Thewe is nyo mowe xDD but so: say *moans* it is donye, 
And I wiww wove thee and pwefew thee fow it. 
TYWWEW. I wiww *notices bulge* dispatch *moans* it stwaight. Exit 

We-entew BUCKINGHAM 

BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, I have considew'd in my mind 
The *looks away* wate wequest *sweats* that you did s-sound me i-in. 
KING WICHAWD. *sighs* Weww, wet *sweats* that west. Dowset is OwO fwed to 
Wichmond. 
BUCKINGHAM. I heaw the nyews, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Stanwey, he is youw wife's s-son: weww, wook 
unto it. 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, I c-cwaim the gift, my due ^w^ by pwomise, 
F-Fow which youw honyouw and youw faith is :3 pawn'd: 
Th' e-eawwdom of Hewefowd and the movabwes 
Which you have pwomised I shaww possess. 
KING WICHAWD. Stanwey, wook to youw wife; if she convey 
L-Wettews to Wichmond, you shaww *sighs* answew it. 
BUCKINGHAM. What says youw *sweats* Highnyess to my *shuffles closer* just wequest? 
KING WICHAWD. I do wemembew me: Henwy the Sixth 
*sweats* Did *cries* pwophesy *sweats* that Wichmond shouwd be King, 
When Wichmond was a wittwe peevish boy. 
A k-king!-pewhaps- 
BUCKINGHAM. My l-wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. H-How chance the pwophet couwd nyot at *sweats* that 
time 
Have towd me, I being by, *sweats* that I shouwd kiww him? 
BUCKINGHAM. My wowd, youw pwomise fow the eawwdom- 
KING WICHAWD. Wichmond! When wast I was at E-Exetew, 
The mayow in couwtesy show'd me the castwe 
And c-caww'd *moans* it Wugemount, at which nyame I s-stawted, 
*screams* Because a bawd of Iwewand towd me once 
I shouwd nyot wive wong aftew I *moans* saw Wichmond. 
BUCKINGHAM. My l-wowd- 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, what's o'cwock? 
BUCKINGHAM. I am t-thus bowd to p-put youw Gwace in mind 
Of w-what you pwomis'd me. 
KING WICHAWD. *sighs* Weww, xDD but o'cwock? 
BUCKINGHAM. ^-^ Upon the stwoke of ten. 
KING WICHAWD. *sighs* Weww, wet *moans* it stwike. 
BUCKINGHAM. Why wet *moans* it stwike? 
KING WICHAWD. *screams* Because *sweats* that wike a Jack thou k-keep'st the 
stwoke 
Betwixt t-thy begging and my meditation. 
I am nyot in the giving vein to-day. 
BUCKINGHAM. May *moans* it pwease you to wesowve me in my suit. 
KING WICHAWD. *moans* Thou twoubwest me; I am nyot in the vein. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Buckingham 
BUCKINGHAM. And is *moans* it t-thus? R-Wepays he my deep sewvice 
With such contempt? Made I him King fow *sweats* this? 
O, wet me think *teleports behind you* on Hastings, and be g-gonye 
To *cuddles you* Bwecknyock whiwe my f-feawfuw *sweats* head is on! Exit 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Wondon. The pawace 

Entew T-TYWWEW 

TYWWEW. The tywannyous and bwoody act is donye, 
The most awch deed of p-piteous massacwe 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew yet this wand was *teleports behind you* guiwty of. 
Dighton and Fowwest, w-who I did subown 
To do this piece of wuthwess butchewy, 
Awbeit they wewe f-fwesh'd viwwains, bwoody dogs, 
Mewted *pokes you* with tendewnyess and *cuddles you* miwd c-compassion, 
Wept wike xDD two chiwdwen in t-theiw deaths' sad stowy. 
'O, thus' *screams* quoth Dighton :3 'way the g-gentwe babes'- 
'Thus, *giggles shyly* thus,' *screams* quoth Fowwest 'giwdwing onye anyothew 
Within t-theiw awabastew *blushes* innyocent *leans over* awms. 
T-Theiw wips wewe fouw wed >_< woses *teleports behind you* on a stawk, 
And in t-theiw s-summew beauty kiss'd each othew. 
A book of pwayews *teleports behind you* on t-theiw p-piwwow way; 
Which once,' *screams* quoth Fowwest 'awmost chang'd my mind; 
But, O, the deviw'-thewe the viwwain stopp'd; 
When Dighton t-thus towd on: *looks away* 'We smothewed 
The most wepwenyished sweet wowk of nyatuwe 
*teleports behind you* That fwom the *shuffles closer* pwime cweation ^w^ e'ew she fwamed.' 
Hence b-both awe g-gonye *pokes you* with conscience and wemowse 
They couwd nyot speak; and so I >w< weft them both, 
To beaw this t-tidings to the bwoody King. 

Entew KING WICHAWD 

And x3 hewe he c-comes. Aww heawth, my soveweign wowd! 
KING WICHAWD. Kind Tywwew, am I happy in t-thy nyews? 
TYWWEW. If to have donye the thing you gave in chawge 
Beget youw happinyess, be happy then, 
F-Fow *moans* it is donye. 
KING WICHAWD. But didst thou see them d-dead? 
TYWWEW. I did, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. And b-buwied, g-gentwe Tywwew? 
TYWWEW. The chapwain of the Towew hath buwied them; 
But whewe, to say the twuth, I do nyot knyow. 
KING WICHAWD. Come to me, Tywwew, soon at aftew s-suppew, 
When thou shawt teww the pwocess of t-theiw death. 
*sighs* Meantime, xDD but think how I may do thee good 
And be inhewitow of t-thy desiwe. 
Faweweww tiww UwU then. 
TYWWEW. I humbwy take my >_< weave. Exit 
KING WICHAWD. The son of Cwawence have I pent up cwose; 
His daughtew m-meanwy have I match'd in mawwiage; 
The sons of Edwawd sweep in A-Abwaham's bosom, 
And :33 Annye my wife hath bid this wowwd good nyight. 
Nyow, fow I knyow the Bwitainye Wichmond aims 
At young Ewizabeth, my bwothew's daughtew, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that knyot wooks :3 pwoudwy *teleports behind you* on the cwown, 
To h-hew go I, a jowwy thwiving *looks away* wooew. 

Entew :3 WATCWIFF 

WATCWIFF. My wowd! 
KING WICHAWD. Good *blushes* ow UwU bad nyews, *sweats* that thou com'st in so 
bwuntwy? 
WATCWIFF. Bad nyews, my wowd: Mowton is OwO fwed to Wichmond; 
And OwO Buckingham, x3 back'd *pokes you* with the hawdy Wewshmen, 
*looks at you* Is in the *shuffles closer* fiewd, and stiww his *cries* powew incweaseth. 
KING WICHAWD. E-Ewy *pokes you* with Wichmond twoubwes me mowe nyeaw 
*notices bulge* Than Buckingham and his r-wash-wevied *screams* stwength. 
Come, I have weawn'd *sweats* that f-feawfuw commenting 
*looks at you* Is weaden sewvitow to duww deway; 
D-Deway weads impotent and snyaiw-pac'd beggawy. 
T-Then f-fiewy expedition be my wing, 
Jove's Mewcuwy, and *leans over* hewawd fow a king! 
Go, m-mustew men. My ^-^ counsew is my shiewd. 
We must be bwief when t-twaitows bwave the f-fiewd. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Wondon. B-Befowe the pawace 

Entew owd QUEEN MAWGAWET 

QUEEN MAWGAWET. So n-nyow p-pwospewity begins to mewwow 
And dwop into the wotten mouth of death. 
Hewe in these confinyes s-swiwy have I l-wuwk'd 
To watch the w-wanying of minye enyemies. 
A diwe induction am I witnyess to, 
And wiww to F-Fwance, hoping the consequence 
Wiww *shuffles closer* pwove as bittew, bwack, and twagicaw. 
Withdwaw ^w^ thee, wwetched Mawgawet. Who c-comes hewe? 
[Wetiwes] 

Entew QUEEN EWIZABETH and the DUCHESS OF YOWK 

QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ah, my poow pwinces! ah, my tendew 
b-babes! 
My unbwown f-fwowews, nyew-appeawing s-sweets! 
If yet youw g-gentwe s-souws f-fwy in the a-aiw 
And be nyot *blushes* fix'd in doom pewpetuaw, 
Hovew a-about me *pokes you* with youw aiwy wings 
And heaw youw mothew's wamentation. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Hovew a-about hew; say *sweats* that wight fow wight 
Hath *giggles shyly* dimm'd youw infant m-mown to aged nyight. 
DUCHESS. So many misewies have cwaz'd my *cuddles you* voice 
*teleports behind you* That my w-woe-weawied t-tongue is stiww and mute. 
Edwawd Pwantagenyet, why awt thou d-dead? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Pwantagenyet doth *teleports behind you* quit Pwantagenyet, 
Edwawd fow Edwawd pays a dying debt. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Wiwt thou, O >_< God, f-fwy fwom such g-gentwe 
wambs 
And thwow them in the entwaiws of the wowf? 
When didst thou sweep when such a deed was donye? 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. When howy Hawwy died, and my sweet 
son. 
DUCHESS. Dead l-wife, bwind sight, poow mowtaw l-wiving ghost, 
W-Woe's scenye, wowwd's shame, x3 gwave's due ^w^ by wife usuwp'd, 
Bwief abstwact and wecowd of tedious *screams* days, 
West t-thy unwest *teleports behind you* on Engwand's l-wawfuw eawth, [-[Sitting down] 
Unwawfuwwy made dwunk *pokes you* with *blushes* innyocent bwood. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Ah, *sweats* that thou wouwdst as soon affowd a 
gwave 
As thou ;;w;; canst y-yiewd a mewanchowy seat! 
T-Then ^.^ wouwd I hide my b-bonyes, nyot west them hewe. 
Ah, w-who hath any c-cause to mouwn xDD but *cries* we? 
[-[Sitting down ^w^ by hew] 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. [-[Coming f-fowwawd] If *cries* ancient sowwow be 
most wevewend, 
Give minye the b-benyefit of senyiowy, 
And wet my gwiefs f-fwown *teleports behind you* on the uppew hand. 
If sowwow can admit *leans over* society, [-[Sitting down *pokes you* with them] 
Teww o'ew youw >_< woes ;;w;; again ^w^ by viewing minye. 
I h-had an >_> Edwawd, tiww a Wichawd kiww'd :3 him; 
I h-had a husband, tiww a Wichawd kiww'd him: 
*moans* Thou hadst an >_> Edwawd, tiww a Wichawd kiww'd :3 him; 
*moans* Thou hadst a Wichawd, tiww a Wichawd kiww'd him. 
DUCHESS. I h-had a Wichawd too, and thou didst kiww :3 him; 
I h-had a Wutwand too, thou howp'st to kiww him. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. *moans* Thou hadst a Cwawence too, and Wichawd 
kiww'd him. 
Fwom f-fowth the kennyew of t-thy womb hath cwept 
A heww-hound *sweats* that doth hunt us aww to death. 
*teleports behind you* That d-dog, *sweats* that h-had his teeth befowe his eyes 
To wowwy wambs and wap t-theiw g-gentwe b-bwood, 
*teleports behind you* That f-fouw d-defacew of God's handiwowk, 
*teleports behind you* That excewwent gwand tywant of the eawth 
*teleports behind you* That weigns in gawwed eyes of weeping souws, 
Thy womb wet l-woose to c-chase us to o-ouw gwaves. 
O *shuffles closer* upwight, just, and *screams* twue-disposing >_< God, 
H-How do I t-thank thee *sweats* that this cawnyaw *teleports behind you* cuw 
Pweys *teleports behind you* on the issue of his mothew's body 
And makes h-hew >w< pew-fewwow *pokes you* with othews' moan! 
DUCHESS. O Hawwy's wife, twiumph nyot in my woes! 
OwO God witnyess *pokes you* with me, I have wept fow thinye. 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. *looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with me; I am hungwy fow uWu wevenge, 
And n-nyow I cwoy me *pokes you* with behowding it. 
Thy Edwawd he is dead, *sweats* that kiww'd my Edwawd; 
The othew Edwawd dead, to *teleports behind you* quit my Edwawd; 
Young Yowk he is xDD but ;;w;; boot, because b-both they 
Match'd nyot the ^.^ high pewfection of my *shuffles closer* woss. 
Thy Cwawence he is dead *sweats* that stabb'd my Edwawd; 
And the *twerks* behowdews of this fwantic pway, 
Th' aduwtewate Hastings, Wivews, Vaughan, ;;w;; Gwey, 
U-Untimewy *cries* smothew'd in t-theiw dusky gwaves. 
Wichawd yet l-wives, heww's bwack *cuddles you* intewwigencew; 
Onwy wesewv'd t-theiw factow to b-buy s-souws 
And send them thithew. But at hand, at hand, 
Ensues his p-piteous and unpitied end. 
uWu Eawth g-gapes, heww b-buwns, fiends woaw, ^.^ saints pway, 
To have him suddenwy convey'd fwom hence. 
Cancew his bond of l-wife, deaw >_< God, I pway, 
*teleports behind you* That I may wive and say 'The dog is xDD dead.' 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. O, thou didst *cries* pwophesy the time ^.^ wouwd 
come 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd wish fow thee to hewp me cuwse 
*teleports behind you* That bottwed spidew, *sweats* that f-fouw bunch-back'd toad! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. I Caww'd thee then vain fwouwish of my 
fowtunye; 
I c-caww'd thee then poow shadow, ;;w;; painted queen, 
The pwesentation of xDD but w-what I was, 
The *cuddles you* fwattewing index of a d-diwefuw pageant, 
Onye heav'd a-high to be huww'd down UwU bewow, 
A mothew onwy mock'd *pokes you* with xDD two *looks at you* faiw babes, 
A d-dweam of w-what thou wast, a gawish fwag 
To be the aim of evewy d-dangewous shot, 
A sign of dignyity, a bweath, a bubbwe, 
A queen in jest, onwy to fiww the scenye. 
Whewe is t-thy h-husband nyow? Whewe be t-thy bwothews? 
Whewe be t-thy xDD two sons? Whewein dost thou joy? 
Who sues, and knyeews, and says 'God uWu save the Queen'? 
Whewe be the bending *leans over* peews *sweats* that fwattewed *moans* thee? 
Whewe be the thwonging *teleports behind you* twoops *sweats* that fowwowed *moans* thee? 
Decwinye an t-this, and see w-what n-nyow thou awt: 
F-Fow happy wife, a most distwessed widow; 
F-Fow joyfuw m-mothew, onye *sweats* that waiws the nyame; 
F-Fow onye being s-su'd to, onye *sweats* that humbwy sues; 
F-Fow Queen, a vewy caitiff c-cwown'd *pokes you* with cawe; 
F-Fow she *sweats* that scown'd at me, n-nyow scown'd of me; 
F-Fow she being feaw'd of a-aww, n-nyow *sweats* feawing onye; 
F-Fow she commanding a-aww, obey'd of >_< nyonye. 
Thus hath the *blushes* couwse of justice w-whiww'd a-about 
And >w< weft thee xDD but a vewy pwey to time, 
Having nyo mowe xDD but thought of w-what thou wast 
To towtuwe thee the mowe, being w-what thou awt. 
*moans* Thou didst usuwp my pwace, and dost thou nyot 
Usuwp the *shuffles closer* just pwopowtion of my sowwow? 
>_> Nyow t-thy pwoud nyeck beaws h-hawf my buwden'd *leans over* yoke, 
Fwom which even x3 hewe I swip my weawy *sweats* head 
And weave the b-buwden of *moans* it aww *teleports behind you* on thee. 
Faweweww, Yowk's wife, and queen of sad mischance; 
These Engwish >_< woes shaww make me smiwe in Fwance. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. O thou weww skiww'd in cuwses, >_< stay awhiwe 
And teach me how to cuwse minye enyemies! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Fowbeaw to sweep the nyights, and *looks away* fast the 
days; 
C-Compawe dead happinyess *pokes you* with l-wiving woe; 
Think *sweats* that t-thy babes wewe sweetew than they wewe, 
And he *sweats* that swew them f-fouwew than he is. 
*cries* Bett'wing t-thy woss makes the bad-causew w-wowse; 
Wevowving this wiww teach thee how to cuwse. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. My wowds awe duww; O, quicken them 
*pokes you* with >_> thinye! 
QUEEN MAWGAWET. Thy >_< woes wiww make them shawp and 
piewce wike minye. Exit 
DUCHESS. Why shouwd cawamity be fun of wowds? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. OwO Windy attownyeys to t-theiw cwient woes, 
Aiwy succeedews of intestate *cries* joys, 
Poow bweathing owatows of misewies, 
Wet them have scope; *sighs* though w-what they wiww impawt 
Hewp nyothing e-ewse, yet do they *screams* case the heawt. 
DUCHESS. If so, then be nyot tongue-tied. Go *pokes you* with me, 
And in the >_< bweath of bittew wowds wet's smothew 
My d-damnyed son *sweats* that t-thy xDD two sweet sons smothew'd. 
The twumpet s-sounds; be copious in :3 excwaims. 

Entew KING WICHAWD and his twain, mawching *pokes you* with 
*twerks* dwums and *blushes* twumpets 

KING WICHAWD. Who i-intewcepts me in my expedition? 
DUCHESS. O, she *sweats* that might have intewcepted ^w^ thee, 
By s-stwangwing thee in h-hew accuwsed womb, 
Fwom aww the swaughtews, wwetch, *sweats* that thou hast donye! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Hidest thou *sweats* that fowehead *pokes you* with a gowden 
cwown 
*notices bulge* Whewe't shouwd be bwanded, if *sweats* that wight wewe wight, 
The swaughtew of the Pwince *sweats* that ow'd *sweats* that cwown, 
And the diwe death of my poow sons and bwothews? 
Teww me, thou viwwain swave, whewe awe my chiwdwen? 
DUCHESS. *moans* Thou toad, thou toad, whewe is t-thy b-bwothew 
Cwawence? 
And wittwe Nyed Pwantagenyet, his son? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Whewe is the g-gentwe Wivews, Vaughan, 
Gwey? 
DUCHESS. Whewe is k-kind Hastings? 
KING WICHAWD. A fwouwish, twumpets! Stwike awawum, dwums! 
Wet nyot the *leans over* heavens heaw these *looks away* teww-tawe women 
Waiw *teleports behind you* on the Wowd's anyointed. Stwike, I say! 
[Fwouwish. Awawums] 
Eithew be patient and entweat me uWu faiw, 
Ow *pokes you* with the cwamowous wepowt of waw 
Thus wiww I *hugs tightly* dwown youw excwamations. 
DUCHESS. Awt thou my son? 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, I t-thank >_< God, my fathew, and youwsewf. 
DUCHESS. T-Then x3 patientwy heaw my >_< impatience. 
KING WICHAWD. Madam, I have a touch of youw condition 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot bwook the accent of r-wepwoof. 
DUCHESS. O, wet me s-speak! 
KING WICHAWD. Do, then; xDD but I'ww nyot *sighs* heaw. 
DUCHESS. I wiww be *cuddles you* miwd and g-gentwe in my wowds. 
KING WICHAWD. And *leans over* bwief, good *hugs tightly* mothew; fow I am in haste. 
DUCHESS. Awt thou so hasty? I have stay'd fow ^w^ thee, 
OwO God knyows, in t-towment and in agony. 
KING WICHAWD. And came I nyot at wast to comfowt you? 
DUCHESS. N-Nyo, ^w^ by the howy r-wood, thou knyow'st *moans* it weww 
*moans* Thou OwO cam'st *teleports behind you* on eawth to make the eawth my heww. 
A gwievous b-buwden was t-thy biwth to me; 
Tetchy and waywawd was t-thy infancy; 
Thy schoow-days fwightfuw, *cries* desp'wate, *pokes you* wiwd, and fuwious; 
Thy *shuffles closer* pwime of m-manhood dawing, b-bowd, and ventuwous; 
Thy age confiwm'd, pwoud, subtwe, swy, and bwoody, 
Mowe miwd, xDD but yet mowe hawmfuw-kind in hatwed. 
What comfowtabwe houw ;;w;; canst thou nyame 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew gwac'd me *pokes you* with t-thy company? 
KING WICHAWD. Faith, nyonye xDD but Humphwey >_< Houw, *sweats* that c-caww'd 
youw Gwace 
To bweakfast once f-fowth of my company. 
If I be so d-disgwacious in youw eye, 
Wet me mawch *teleports behind you* on and nyot offend y-you, madam. 
Stwike up the dwum. 
DUCHESS. I pwithee heaw me speak. 
KING WICHAWD. Y-You speak too bittewwy. 
DUCHESS. Heaw me a wowd; 
F-Fow I shaww nyevew speak to thee again. 
KING WICHAWD. So. 
DUCHESS. Eithew thou wiwt die ^w^ by God's *shuffles closer* just >_> owdinyance 
Ewe fwom this waw thou tuwn a conquewow; 
Ow I *pokes you* with g-gwief and extweme age shaww pewish 
And nyevew mowe behowd t-thy *cuddles you* face again. 
Thewefowe take *pokes you* with thee my most gwievous c-cuwse, 
Which in the day of battwe tiwe thee mowe 
*notices bulge* Than aww the compwete awmouw *sweats* that thou weaw'st! 
My pwayews *teleports behind you* on the advewse p-pawty fight; 
And thewe the wittwe s-souws of Edwawd's chiwdwen 
Whispew the spiwits of thinye enyemies 
And pwomise them success and victowy. 
*cuddles you* Bwoody thou awt; bwoody wiww be t-thy end. 
Shame sewves t-thy wife and doth t-thy death attend. Exit 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Though faw mowe x3 cause, yet much wess 
spiwit to cuwse 
Abides in me; I say a-amen to hew. 
KING WICHAWD. Stay, *looks at you* madam, I must tawk a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. I have nyo *pokes you* moe sons of the woyaw b-bwood 
F-Fow thee to swaughtew. F-Fow my daughtews, Wichawd, 
They shaww be pwaying nyuns, nyot weeping queens; 
And thewefowe wevew nyot to hit t-theiw wives. 
KING WICHAWD. Y-You have a daughtew c-caww'd Ewizabeth. 
Viwtuous and uWu faiw, woyaw and gwacious. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. And must she die fow *sweats* this? O, wet h-hew 
*teleports behind you* wive, 
And I'ww cowwupt h-hew mannyews, stain h-hew beauty, 
Swandew m-mysewf as f-fawse to Edwawd's bed, 
Thwow ovew h-hew the veiw of infamy; 
So she may wive unscaww'd of bweeding uWu swaughtew, 
I wiww *cuddles you* confess she was nyot Edwawd's daughtew. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Wwong nyot h-hew biwth; she is a woyaw 
P-Pwincess. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. To uWu save h-hew wife I'ww say she is nyot so. 
KING WICHAWD. Hew wife is safest onwy in h-hew biwth. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. And onwy in *sweats* that safety died h-hew 
bwothews. 
KING WICHAWD. *looks away* Wo, at t-theiw biwth good s-staws wewe opposite. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. N-Nyo, to t-theiw wives iww fwiends wewe 
contwawy. 
KING WICHAWD. Aww *sighs* unyavoided is the doom of destiny. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Twue, when avoided gwace makes destiny. 
My babes wewe destin'd to a faiwew death, 
If gwace h-had bwess'd thee *pokes you* with a faiwew wife. 
KING WICHAWD. Y-You speak as if *sweats* that I h-had s-swain my cousins. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Cousins, indeed; and ^w^ by t-theiw uncwe 
cozen'd 
Of comfowt, kingdom, *shuffles closer* kindwed, fweedom, wife. 
Whose h-hand >w< soevew l-wanc'd t-theiw tendew heawts, 
Thy head, an indiwectwy, gave d-diwection. 
Nyo d-doubt the muwd'wous k-knyife was duww and bwunt 
Tiww *moans* it was whetted *teleports behind you* on t-thy stonye-hawd heawt 
To wevew in the entwaiws of my wambs. 
But *sweats* that stiff use of g-gwief makes w-wiwd g-gwief t-tame, 
My t-tongue shouwd to t-thy eaws nyot nyame my boys 
Tiww *sweats* that my nyaiws wewe anchow'd in thinye eyes; 
And I, in such a desp'wate b-bay of death, 
Wike a poow bawk, of saiws and tackwing weft, 
Wush aww to pieces *teleports behind you* on t-thy wocky bosom. 
KING WICHAWD. Madam, so UwU thwive I in my entewpwise 
And d-dangewous success of bwoody waws, 
As I intend mowe good to you and youws 
*notices bulge* Than *giggles shyly* evew you *blushes* ow youws ^w^ by me wewe hawm'd! 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. What good is *cuddles you* covew'd *pokes you* with the *cuddles you* face of 
heaven, 
To be discovew'd, *sweats* that can do me good? 
KING WICHAWD. advancement of youw *screams* chiwdwen, g-gentwe 
wady. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. U-Up to *blushes* some scaffowd, thewe to wose t-theiw 
heads? 
KING WICHAWD. Unto the dignyity and height of Fowtunye, 
The ^.^ high impewiaw type of this eawth's gwowy. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Fwattew my sowwow *pokes you* with wepowt of it; 
Teww me w-what state, w-what dignyity, w-what honyouw, 
C-Canst thou d-demise to any xDD chiwd of minye? 
KING WICHAWD. Even aww I have-ay, and m-mysewf and aww 
Wiww I *shuffles closer* withaw endow a xDD chiwd of thinye; 
So in the Wethe of t-thy *cries* angwy souw 
*moans* Thou *hugs tightly* dwown the sad wemembwance of those wwongs 
Which thou supposest I have donye to thee. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Be *leans over* bwief, west *sweats* that the pwocess of t-thy 
x3 kindnyess 
Wast *teleports behind you* wongew tewwing than t-thy kindnyess' date. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Then knyow, *sweats* that fwom my souw I wove t-thy 
daughtew. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. My daughtew's mothew thinks *moans* it *pokes you* with h-hew 
souw. 
KING WICHAWD. What do you think? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *teleports behind you* That thou dost wove my daughtew fwom 
t-thy souw. 
So fwom t-thy souw's wove didst thou wove h-hew bwothews, 
And fwom my heawt's wove I do t-thank thee fow it. 
KING WICHAWD. Be nyot so h-hasty to confound my meanying. 
I *looks at you* mean *sweats* that *pokes you* with my souw I wove t-thy daughtew 
And do intend to make h-hew Queen of Engwand. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *sighs* Weww, then, w-who dost thou *looks at you* mean shaww be 
h-hew king? 
KING WICHAWD. Even he *sweats* that makes h-hew Queen. Who e-ewse 
shouwd b-be? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. What, thou? 
KING WICHAWD. Even so. H-How think you of it? 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. H-How ;;w;; canst thou woo hew? 
KING WICHAWD. *teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd I weawn of y-you, 
As onye being best acquainted *pokes you* with h-hew humouw. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. And wiwt thou weawn of me? 
KING WICHAWD. Madam, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. xDD Send to hew, ^w^ by the man *sweats* that swew h-hew 
bwothews, 
A paiw of bweeding heawts; theweon engwave 
'Edwawd' and 'Yowk.' T-Then hapwy wiww she weep; 
Thewefowe ^.^ pwesent to hew-as sometimes Mawgawet 
*sweats* Did to t-thy fathew, steep'd in Wutwand's bwood- 
A handkewchief; which, say to hew, did dwain 
The p-puwpwe sap fwom h-hew sweet bwothew's body, 
And bid h-hew wipe h-hew weeping eyes withaw. 
If this inducement move h-hew nyot to wove, 
xDD Send h-hew a wettew of t-thy nyobwe deeds; 
Teww h-hew thou mad'st away h-hew uncwe *notices bulge* Cwawence, 
Hew uncwe Wivews; ay, and fow h-hew sake 
*blushes* Mad'st quick conveyance *pokes you* with h-hew good aunt Annye. 
KING WICHAWD. Y-You mock me, madam; this is nyot the way 
To win youw daughtew. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *cries* Thewe is nyo othew way; 
*leans over* Unwess thou couwdst p-put *teleports behind you* on *blushes* some othew shape 
And nyot be Wichawd *sweats* that hath donye aww this. 
KING WICHAWD. Say *sweats* that I did aww this fow wove of hew. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Nyay, then indeed she cannyot c-choose xDD but 
hate ^w^ thee, 
Having bought wove *pokes you* with such a bwoody spoiw. 
KING WICHAWD. Wook w-what is donye cannyot be n-nyow ^-^ amended. 
Men shaww deaw unyadvisedwy sometimes, 
Which aftew-houws gives *moans* weisuwe to wepent. 
If I did take the kingdom fwom youw sons, 
To make amends I'ww give *moans* it to youw daughtew. 
If I have kiww'd the issue of youw womb, 
To quicken youw i-incwease I wiww beget 
M-Minye issue of youw b-bwood upon youw daughtew. 
A *shuffles closer* gwandam's nyame is wittwe wess in wove 
*notices bulge* Than is the doating titwe of a *hugs tightly* mothew; 
They awe as chiwdwen xDD but onye step UwU bewow, 
Even of youw metaw, of youw vewy bwood; 
Of aww onye pain, uWu save fow a nyight of gwoans 
Enduw'd of hew, fow whom you bid wike sowwow. 
Youw chiwdwen wewe vexation to youw *sweats* youth; 
But minye shaww be a comfowt to youw age. 
The woss you have is xDD but a son being King, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that woss youw daughtew is made Queen. 
I cannyot make you w-what amends I wouwd, 
Thewefowe accept such x3 kindnyess as I c-can. 
Dowset youw son, *sweats* that *pokes you* with a f-feawfuw souw 
Weads discontented steps in foweign :3 soiw, 
This *looks at you* faiw awwiance quickwy shaww can h-home 
To ^.^ high UwU pwomotions and gweat d-dignyity. 
The King, *sweats* that cawws youw beauteous daughtew wife, 
Famiwiawwy shaww *giggles shyly* caww t-thy Dowset bwothew; 
Again shaww you be mothew to a king, 
And aww the wuins of *giggles shyly* distwessfuw times 
Wepaiw'd *pokes you* with doubwe wiches of content. 
*pokes you* What! we have many g-goodwy days to see. 
The wiquid *sighs* dwops of teaws *sweats* that you have shed 
Shaww come again, *moans* twansfowm'd to o-owient peaww, 
Advantaging t-theiw woan *pokes you* with intewest 
Of ten times doubwe gain of happinyess. 
Go, then, my m-mothew, to t-thy daughtew go; 
Make bowd h-hew UwU bashfuw y-yeaws *pokes you* with youw expewience; 
>_> Pwepawe h-hew eaws to heaw a wooew's tawe; 
*looks at you* Put in h-hew tendew heawt th' aspiwing *pokes you* fwame 
Of gowden soveweignty; acquaint the Pwinces 
With the sweet siwent houws of mawwiage joys. 
And when this awm of minye hath c-chastised 
The petty *pokes you* webew, duww-bwain'd OwO Buckingham, 
Bound *pokes you* with twiumphant gawwands wiww I come, 
And wead t-thy daughtew to a conquewow's bed; 
To whom I wiww r-wetaiw my *moans* conquest won, 
And she shaww be sowe victowess, Caesaw's Caesaw. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. What wewe I best to say? Hew fathew's 
b-bwothew 
Wouwd be h-hew wowd? Ow shaww I say h-hew uncwe? 
Ow he *sweats* that swew h-hew bwothews and h-hew ^w^ uncwes? 
Undew w-what titwe shaww I woo fow thee 
*teleports behind you* That >_< God, the waw, my honyouw, and h-hew wove 
C-Can make seem pweasing to h-hew tendew yeaws? 
KING WICHAWD. I-Infew *looks at you* faiw Engwand's peace ^w^ by this awwiance. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Which she shaww puwchase *pokes you* with 
stiww-wasting waw. 
KING WICHAWD. Teww h-hew the King, *sweats* that may command, 
entweats. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *teleports behind you* That at h-hew h-hands which the K-King's 
King fowbids. 
KING WICHAWD. Say she shaww be a ^.^ high and mighty queen. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. To waiw the *cuddles you* titwe, as h-hew mothew doth. 
KING WICHAWD. Say I wiww wove h-hew evewwastingwy. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. But how wong shaww *sweats* that titwe 'evew' *teleports behind you* wast? 
KING WICHAWD. Sweetwy in fowce unto h-hew *looks at you* faiw wife's end. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. But how wong faiwwy shaww h-hew sweet wife 
*teleports behind you* wast? 
KING WICHAWD. As wong as heaven and nyatuwe wengthens it. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. As wong as heww and Wichawd wikes of it. 
KING WICHAWD. Say I, h-hew soveweign, am h-hew subject wow. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. But she, youw subject, woathes such 
*screams* soveweignty. 
KING WICHAWD. Be e-ewoquent in my behawf to hew. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *looks at you* An honyest tawe speeds best being pwainwy 
towd. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Then pwainwy to h-hew teww my ^.^ woving tawe. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Pwain and nyot honyest is too h-hawsh a stywe. 
KING WICHAWD. Youw weasons awe too shawwow and too quick. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. O, nyo, my weasons awe too deep and 
dead- 
Too deep and dead, poow i-infants, in t-theiw gwaves. 
KING WICHAWD. Hawp nyot *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that stwing, madam; *sweats* that is past. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Hawp *teleports behind you* on *moans* it stiww shaww I tiww heawtstwings 
bweak. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyow, ^w^ by my G-Geowge, my gawtew, and my 
cwown- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Pwofan'd, dishonyouw'd, and the thiwd 
usuwp'd. 
KING WICHAWD. I sweaw- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. By nyothing; fow this is nyo oath: 
Thy G-Geowge, pwofan'd, hath wost his wowdwy honyouw; 
Thy gawtew, *notices bulge* bwemish'd, pawn'd his knyightwy viwtue; 
Thy cwown, usuwp'd, disgwac'd his kingwy gwowy. 
If s-something thou wouwdst sweaw to be b-bewiev'd, 
Sweaw then ^w^ by s-something *sweats* that thou hast nyot wwong'd. 
KING WICHAWD. Then, ^w^ by my sewf- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Thy sewf is sewf-misus'd. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyow, ^w^ by the w-wowwd- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. 'Tis fuww of t-thy f-fouw wwongs. 
KING WICHAWD. My fathew's death- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Thy wife hath *moans* it dishonyouw'd. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, then, ^w^ by God- 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. God's wwong is most of aww. 
If thou didst feaw to bweak an oath *pokes you* with H-Him, 
The unyity the King my h-husband made 
*moans* Thou hadst nyot bwoken, n-nyow my bwothews died. 
If thou hadst feaw'd to bweak an oath ^w^ by H-Him, 
Th' impewiaw metaw, c-ciwcwing n-nyow t-thy head, 
Had gwac'd the tendew tempwes of my chiwd; 
And b-both the Pwinces h-had been bweathing hewe, 
Which nyow, xDD two tendew bedfewwows fow dust, 
Thy bwoken faith hath made the pwey fow wowms. 
What ;;w;; canst thou sweaw ^w^ by nyow? 
KING WICHAWD. The time to come. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. *teleports behind you* That thou hast wwonged in the time 
o'ewpast; 
F-Fow I m-mysewf have many teaws to wash 
Heweaftew time, fow time past wwong'd ^w^ by thee. 
The chiwdwen wive :33 whose f-fathews thou hast s-swaughtew'd, 
Ungovewn'd >_< youth, to waiw *moans* it in t-theiw age; 
The pawents wive :33 whose chiwdwen thou hast butcheed, 
O-Owd bawwen pwants, to waiw *moans* it *pokes you* with t-theiw age. 
Sweaw nyot ^w^ by time to come; fow *sweats* that thou hast 
Misus'd ewe *pokes you* us'd, ^w^ by times iww-us'd o'ewpast. 
KING WICHAWD. As I intend to pwospew and wepent, 
So UwU thwive I in my d-dangewous affaiws 
Of hostiwe awms! Mysewf m-mysewf confound! 
*pokes you* Heaven and fowtunye *giggles shyly* baw me happy ^w^ houws! 
Day, y-yiewd me nyot t-thy >_< wight; n-nyow, nyight, t-thy OwO west! 
Be opposite aww pwanyets of good wuck 
To my pwoceeding!-if, *pokes you* with deaw heawt's wove, 
Immacuwate d-devotion, howy thoughts, 
I tendew nyot t-thy beauteous pwincewy daughtew. 
In h-hew consists my happinyess and thinye; 
Without hew, f-fowwows to m-mysewf and ^w^ thee, 
Hewsewf, the l-wand, and many a Chwistian souw, 
Death, desowation, wuin, and decay. 
It cannyot be avoided xDD but ^w^ by this; 
It wiww nyot be avoided xDD but ^w^ by this. 
Thewefowe, deaw mothew-I must *giggles shyly* caww you so- 
Be the attownyey of my wove to hew; 
Pwead w-what I wiww be, nyot w-what I have *looks away* been; 
Nyot my desewts, xDD but w-what I wiww d-desewve. 
Uwge the nyecessity and state of times, 
And be nyot peevish-fond in gweat designs. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Shaww I be xDD tempted of the deviw t-thus? 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, if the deviw tempt you to do good. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Shaww I fowget m-mysewf to be :33 mysewf? 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, if youw sewf's wemembwance wwong 
youwsewf. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Y-Yet thou didst kiww my chiwdwen. 
KING WICHAWD. But in youw daughtew's womb I buwy them; 
Whewe, in *sweats* that *hugs tightly* nyest of *shuffles closer* spicewy, they wiww bweed 
Sewves of themsewves, to youw wecomfowtuwe. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. Shaww I go win my daughtew to t-thy wiww? 
KING WICHAWD. And be a happy mothew ^w^ by the deed. 
QUEEN E-EWIZABETH. I go. Wwite to me vewy s-showtwy, 
And you shaww undewstand fwom me h-hew mind. 
KING WICHAWD. *looks at you* Beaw h-hew my twue wove's kiss; and so, faweweww. 
K-Kissing hew. Exit QUEEN EWIZABETH 
Wewenting foow, and shawwow, changing w-woman! 

Entew WATCWIFF; CATESBY fowwowing 

H-How nyow! w-what nyews? 
WATCWIFF. Most mighty soveweign, *teleports behind you* on the w-westewn coast 
Wideth a puissant *twerks* nyavy; to o-ouw showes 
Thwong many doubtfuw howwow-heawted fwiends, 
Unyawm'd, and unwesowv'd to beat them back. 
'Tis thought *sweats* that Wichmond is t-theiw a-admiwaw; 
And thewe they huww, expecting xDD but the aid 
Of Buckingham to wewcome them a-ashowe. 
KING WICHAWD. Some wight-foot fwiend post to the D-Duke of 
Nyowfowk. 
*screams* Watcwiff, t-thysewf-ow Catesby; whewe is *sighs* he? 
CATESBY. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my good l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Catesby, f-fwy to the Duke. 
CATESBY. I wiww my wowd, *pokes you* with aww convenyient haste. 
KING WICHAWD. *screams* Watcwiff, come *looks at you* hithew. P-Post to Sawisbuwy; 
When thou com'st thithew- [To *shuffles closer* CATESBY] Duww, 
u-unmindfuww viwwain, 
Why stay'st thou hewe, and go'st nyot to the Duke? 
CATESBY. Fiwst, mighty wiege, teww me youw Highnyess' pweasuwe, 
What fwom youw Gwace I shaww dewivew to him. 
KING WICHAWD. O, twue, good Catesby. B-Bid him wevy stwaight 
The gweatest stwength and *cries* powew *sweats* that he can make 
And meet me suddenwy at :3 Sawisbuwy. 
CATESBY. I go. Exit 
WATCWIFF. What, may *moans* it pwease y-you, shaww I do at Sawisbuwy? 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, w-what wouwdst thou do thewe befowe I 
go? 
WATCWIFF. Youw *sweats* Highnyess towd me I shouwd post befowe. 
KING WICHAWD. My mind is chang'd. 

Entew WOWD STANWEY 

STANWEY, w-what nyews *pokes you* with you? 
STANWEY. *cuddles you* Nyonye ^-^ good, my wiege, to pwease you *pokes you* with 
the heawing; 
N-Nyow nyonye so UwU bad xDD but weww may be *giggles shyly* wepowted. 
KING WICHAWD. Hoyday, a widdwe! nyeithew good n-nyow b-bad! 
What nyeed'st thou wun so many miwes about, 
When thou mayest teww t-thy tawe the nyeawest way? 
O-Once mowe, w-what nyews? 
STANWEY. Wichmond is *teleports behind you* on the seas. 
KING WICHAWD. *cries* Thewe wet him sink, and be the seas *teleports behind you* on him! 
White-wivew'd wunyagate, w-what doth he thewe? 
STANWEY. I knyow nyot, mighty soveweign, xDD but ^w^ by guess. 
KING WICHAWD. *sighs* Weww, as you guess? 
STANWEY. Stiww'd up ^w^ by Dowset, OwO Buckingham, and Mowton, 
He makes fow Engwand x3 hewe to c-cwaim the cwown. 
KING WICHAWD. *looks at you* Is the chaiw empty? *looks at you* Is the swowd unsway'd? 
*looks at you* Is the King dead, the uWu empiwe u-unpossess'd? 
What heiw of Yowk is thewe awive xDD but *cries* we? 
And w-who is Engwand's King xDD but gweat Yowk's h-heiw? 
T-Then teww me w-what makes he upon the seas. 
STANWEY. *leans over* Unwess fow that, my wiege, I cannyot guess. 
KING WICHAWD. *leans over* Unwess fow *sweats* that he c-comes to be youw wiege, 
Y-You cannyot g-guess whewefowe the Wewshman c-comes. 
*moans* Thou wiwt wevowt and f-fwy to him, I *pokes you* feaw. 
STANWEY. N-Nyo, my good wowd; thewefowe mistwust me nyot. 
KING WICHAWD. Whewe is t-thy *cries* powew then, to beat him back? 
Whewe be t-thy ^.^ tenyants and t-thy fowwowews? 
Awe they nyot n-nyow upon the w-westewn s-showe, 
UwU Safe-conducting the webews fwom t-theiw ships? 
STANWEY. N-Nyo, my good wowd, my fwiends awe in the nyowth. 
KING WICHAWD. Cowd fwiends to me. What do they in the 
>w< nyowth, 
When they shouwd sewve t-theiw soveweign in the west? 
STANWEY. They have nyot been commanded, mighty King. 
Pweaseth youw Majesty to give me weave, 
I'ww m-mustew up my fwiends and meet youw Gwace 
Whewe and w-what time youw Majesty shaww pwease. 
KING WICHAWD. :33 Ay, ay, thou wouwdst be g-gonye to join *pokes you* with 
Wichmond; 
But I'ww nyot twust thee. 
STANWEY. Most mighty soveweign, 
Y-You have nyo c-cause to howd my fwiendship doubtfuw. 
I nyevew was n-nyow nyevew wiww be fawse. 
KING WICHAWD. Go, then, and m-mustew men. But weave UwU behind 
Youw son, Geowge Stanwey. Wook youw heawt be fiwm, 
Ow e-ewse his head's *sweats* assuwance is xDD but f-fwaiw. 
STANWEY. So deaw *pokes you* with him as I *shuffles closer* pwove twue to you. Exit 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. My g-gwacious soveweign, n-nyow in Devonshiwe, 
As I ^w^ by fwiends am weww advewtised, 
Siw Edwawd Couwtnyey and the haughty pwewate, 
Bishop of E-Exetew, his ewdew bwothew, 
With many *pokes you* moe confedewates, awe in *leans over* awms. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

SECOND MESSENGEW. In Kent, my wiege, the Guiwfowds awe in 
awms; 
And evewy houw mowe competitows 
Fwock to the *notices bulge* webews, and t-theiw *cries* powew gwows *screams* stwong. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

T-THIWD MESSENGEW. My wowd, the awmy of gweat B-Buckingham- 
KING WICHAWD. Out *teleports behind you* on y-you, o-owws! Nyothing xDD but songs of 
death? :3 [He stwikes h-him] 
Thewe, take thou *sweats* that tiww thou b-bwing bettew n-nyews. 
T-THIWD MESSENGEW. The nyews I have to teww youw Majesty 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that ^w^ by sudden f-fwoods and faww of watews 
Buckingham's awmy is uWu dispews'd and *sighs* scattew'd; 
And he himsewf wand'wed away *sweats* awonye, 
Nyo man *looks away* knyows whithew. 
KING WICHAWD. I cwy thee mewcy. 
*cries* Thewe is my puwse to *notices bulge* cuwe *sweats* that bwow of thinye. 
Hath any weww-advised fwiend pwocwaim'd 
Wewawd to him *sweats* that bwings the twaitow in? 
T-THIWD MESSENGEW. *screams* Such pwocwamation hath been made, 
my Wowd. 

Entew anyothew MESSENGEW 

FOUWTH MESSENGEW. Siw Thomas L-Wovew and Wowd Mawquis 
Dowset, 
'Tis ^-^ said, my wiege, in *sweats* Yowkshiwe awe in *leans over* awms. 
But this good comfowt b-bwing I to youw Highnyess- 
The Bwitainye nyavy is uWu dispews'd ^w^ by tempest. 
Wichmond in Dowsetshiwe OwO sent out a boat 
Unto the s-showe, to ask those *teleports behind you* on the b-banks 
If they wewe his assistants, yea *blushes* ow nyo; 
Who answew'd him they came fwom Buckingham 
^-^ Upon his pawty. He, >_> mistwusting them, 
Hois'd s-saiw, and made his *blushes* couwse ;;w;; again fow Bwitainye. 
KING WICHAWD. Mawch on, mawch on, s-since we awe up in 
awms; 
If nyot to fight *pokes you* with foweign enyemies, 
Y-Yet to beat down these webews x3 hewe at home. 

We-entew CATESBY 

CATESBY. My wiege, the D-Duke of Buckingham is taken- 
*teleports behind you* That is the best n-nyews. *teleports behind you* That the E-Eaww of Wichmond 
*looks at you* Is *pokes you* with a mighty *cries* powew l-wanded at Miwfowd 
*looks at you* Is cowdew tidings, yet they must be towd. 
KING WICHAWD. Away towawds Sawisbuwy! Whiwe we weason 
x3 hewe 
A woyaw battwe might be won and *notices bulge* wost. 
Some onye take owdew Buckingham be >w< bwought 
To Sawisbuwy; the west mawch *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with me. 
F-Fwouwish. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

WOWD DEWBY'S h-house 

Entew STANWEY and SIW CHWISTOPHEW UWSWICK 

STANWEY. Siw Chwistophew, teww Wichmond this fwom me: 
*teleports behind you* That in the sty of the most >_< deadwy *hugs tightly* boaw 
My son Geowge Stanwey is fwank'd up in howd; 
If I wevowt, off goes young Geowge's *sighs* head; 
The feaw of *sweats* that howds off my ^.^ pwesent aid. 
>_> So, get thee gonye; commend me to t-thy l-wowd. 
Withaw say *sweats* that the Queen hath heawtiwy *sighs* consented 
He shouwd e-espouse Ewizabeth h-hew daughtew. 
But teww me, whewe is pwincewy Wichmond nyow? 
CHWISTOPHEW. At *pokes you* Pembwoke, *blushes* ow at Ha'wfowd west in Wawes. 
STANWEY. What men of nyame wesowt to him? 
CHWISTOPHEW. Siw xDD Wawtew H-Hewbewt, a wenyownyed s-sowdiew; 
SIW Giwbewt Tawbot, Siw Wiwwiam Stanwey, 
*looks away* OXFOWD, wedoubted *pokes you* Pembwoke, Siw James Bwunt, 
And Wice ap x3 Thomas, *pokes you* with a vawiant c-cwew; 
And many othew of gweat nyame and wowth; 
And towawds Wondon do they *looks away* bend t-theiw powew, 
If ^w^ by the way they be nyot fought withaw. 
STANWEY. *sighs* Weww, hie thee to t-thy wowd; I kiss his hand; 
My wettew wiww wesowve him of my mind. 
Faweweww. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 

:3 Sawisbuwy. *looks at you* An open pwace 

Entew the SHEWIFF and guawd, *pokes you* with BUCKINGHAM, *looks away* wed to execution 

BUCKINGHAM. Wiww nyot King Wichawd wet me speak *pokes you* with 
him? 
SHEWIFF. N-Nyo, my good wowd; thewefowe be *looks away* patient. 
BUCKINGHAM. Hastings, and Edwawd's *screams* chiwdwen, ;;w;; Gwey, and 
Wivews, 
Howy King OwO Henwy, and t-thy *looks at you* faiw son >_> Edwawd, 
Vaughan, and aww *sweats* that have *moans* miscawwied 
By *blushes* undewhand cowwupted f-fouw injustice, 
If *sweats* that youw moody discontented s-souws 
Do uWu thwough the cwouds behowd this ^.^ pwesent houw, 
Even fow *shuffles closer* wevenge mock my destwuction! 
This is Aww-Souws' day, fewwow, is *moans* it nyot? 
SHEWIFF. It *screams* is, my l-wowd. 
BUCKINGHAM. W-Why, then Aww-Souws' day is my body's 
doomsday. 
This is the day which in King Edwawd's time 
I wish'd might faww *teleports behind you* on me when I was ^w^ found 
Fawse to his chiwdwen and his wife's awwies; 
This is the day w-whewein I wish'd to faww 
By the f-fawse faith of him whom most I twusted; 
This, this Aww-Souws' day to my f-feawfuw souw 
*looks at you* Is the *moans* detewmin'd ^-^ wespite of my wwongs; 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ high Aww-Seew which I dawwied *pokes you* with 
Hath tuwn'd my ;;w;; feignyed pwayew *teleports behind you* on my *sweats* head 
And given in eawnyest w-what I begg'd in jest. 
Thus doth He fowce the ^w^ swowds of wicked men 
To tuwn t-theiw own points in t-theiw *pokes you* mastews' bosoms. 
Thus Mawgawet's cuwse fawws heavy *teleports behind you* on my nyeck. 
'When he' *screams* quoth she 'shaww spwit t-thy heawt *pokes you* with sowwow, 
Wemembew Mawgawet was a pwophetess.' 
Come wead me, *cries* officews, to the bwock of *cuddles you* shame; 
W-Wwong hath xDD but wwong, and bwame the due of b-bwame. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2. 

Camp nyeaw T-Tamwowth 

Entew *cuddles you* WICHMOND, *looks away* OXFOWD, SIW JAMES BWUNT, SIW WAWTEW HEWBEWT, and *blushes* othews, 
*pokes you* with *cries* dwum and cowouws 

WICHMOND. F-Fewwows in awms, and my most ^.^ woving fwiends, 
Bwuis'd >_> undewnyeath the yoke of tywanny, 
Thus faw into the bowews of the wand 
Have we ;;w;; mawch'd *teleports behind you* on without impediment; 
And x3 hewe weceive we fwom o-ouw fathew Stanwey 
Winyes of *looks at you* faiw comfowt and :33 encouwagement. 
The wwetched, bwoody, and usuwping b-boaw, 
*teleports behind you* That spoiw'd youw s-summew fiewds and fwuitfuw vinyes, 
Swiwws youw wawm b-bwood wike wash, and makes his twough 
In youw e-emboweww'd bosoms-this f-fouw swinye 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow even in the c-centwe of this i-iswe, 
Nyeaw to the town of Weicestew, as we l-weawn. 
Fwom T-Tamwowth thithew is xDD but onye day's m-mawch. 
In God's nyame cheewwy on, *giggles shyly* couwageous fwiends, 
To weap the hawvest of *looks away* pewpetuaw peace 
By this onye bwoody twiaw of shawp waw. 
OXFOWD. Evewy man's conscience is a thousand men, 
To fight against this *teleports behind you* guiwty homicide. 
HEWBEWT. I d-doubt nyot xDD but his fwiends wiww tuwn to us. 
BWUNT. He hath nyo fwiends xDD but w-what awe fwiends fow feaw, 
Which in his deawest nyeed wiww f-fwy fwom him. 
WICHMOND. Aww fow o-ouw vantage. T-Then in God's nyame m-mawch. 
Twue hope is swift and fwies *pokes you* with swawwow's wings; 
Kings *moans* it makes g-gods, and m-meanyew cweatuwes kings. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3-3. 

Boswowth Fiewd 

Entew KING WICHAWD in awms, *pokes you* with NyOWFOWK, WATCWIFF, 
the EAWW of *cries* SUWWEYS and o-othews 

KING WICHAWD. Hewe pitch o-ouw t-tent, even x3 hewe in Boswowth 
f-fiewd. 
My Wowd of Suwwey, why wook you so x3 sad? 
SUWWEY. My heawt is ten times wightew than my wooks. 
KING WICHAWD. My Wowd of Nyowfowk! 
NyOWFOWK. *shuffles closer* Hewe, most g-gwacious wiege. 
KING WICHAWD. Nyowfowk, we must have knyocks; ha! must we 
nyot? 
NyOWFOWK. We must b-both give and take, my ^.^ woving l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. U-Up With my tent! Hewe wiww I wie to-nyight; 
[Sowdiews begin to set up the KING'S tent] 
But whewe to-mowwow? *sighs* Weww, aww's onye fow that. 
Who hath descwied the nyumbew of the twaitows? 
NyOWFOWK. Six *blushes* ow seven thousand is t-theiw utmost *cuddles you* powew. 
KING WICHAWD. W-Why, o-ouw battawia twebwes *sweats* that account; 
Besides, the K-King's nyame is a towew of stwength, 
Which they upon the advewse faction w-want. 
U-Up *pokes you* with the tent! Come, nyobwe gentwemen, 
Wet us suwvey the vantage of the gwound. 
Caww fow *blushes* some men of s-sound d-diwection. 
Wet's wack nyo discipwinye, make nyo deway; 
Fow, wowds, to-mowwow is a busy day. UwU Exeunt 

Entew, *teleports behind you* on the othew side of the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
*cuddles you* WICHMOND, SIW WIWWIAM B-BWANDON, *looks away* OXFOWD, D-DOWSET, 
and o-othews. Some pitch WICHMOND'S tent 

WICHMOND. The weawy *moans* sun hath made a gowden set, 
And ^w^ by the bwight twact of his f-fiewy ;;w;; caw 
Gives token of a g-goodwy day *blushes* to-mowwow. 
Siw Wiwwiam Bwandon, you shaww beaw my standawd. 
Give me *blushes* some >_> ink and papew in my *looks away* tent. 
I'ww dwaw the *sighs* fowm and m-modew of o-ouw battwe, 
Wimit each weadew to his sevewaw chawge, 
And *cries* pawt in *shuffles closer* just pwopowtion o-ouw smaww *cuddles you* powew. 
My Wowd of Oxfowd-you, Siw Wiwwiam B-Bwandon- 
And y-you, Siw xDD Wawtew Hewbewt-stay *pokes you* with me. 
The E-Eaww of P-Pembwoke keeps his *pokes you* wegiment; 
Good Captain Bwunt, beaw my good nyight to him, 
And ^w^ by the second houw in the mownying 
Desiwe the E-Eaww to see me in my *looks away* tent. 
Y-Yet onye thing mowe, good *pokes you* Captain, do fow me- 
Whewe is Wowd Stanwey quawtew'd, do you knyow? 
BWUNT. *leans over* Unwess I have mista'en his cowouws much- 
Which weww I am assuw'd I have nyot donye- 
His *sweats* wegiment wies h-hawf a miwe at *notices bulge* weast 
South fwom the mighty *cries* powew of the King. 
WICHMOND. If without pewiw *moans* it be possibwe, 
Sweet Bwunt, make *blushes* some good means to speak *pokes you* with him 
And give him fwom me this most nyeedfuw nyote. 
BWUNT. ^-^ Upon my l-wife, my wowd, I'ww UwU undewtake it; 
And so, OwO God give you quiet west to-nyight! 
WICHMOND. Good nyight, good Captain Bwunt. Come, 
gentwemen, 
Wet us consuwt upon to-mowwow's businyess. 
In to my t-tent; the dew is r-waw and cowd. 
[They w-withdwaw into the tent] 

Entew, to his-tent, KING WICHAWD, NyOWFOWK, 
WATCWIFF, and CATESBY 

KING WICHAWD. What is't o'cwock? 
CATESBY. It's suppew-time, my wowd; 
It's nyinye *looks at you* o'cwock. 
KING WICHAWD. I wiww nyot sup to-nyight. 
Give me *blushes* some >_> ink and papew. 
What, is my beavew *twerks* easiew than *moans* it w-was? 
And aww my awmouw waid into my :33 tent? 
CATESBY. It *screams* is, my *sweats* wiege; and aww things awe in r-weadinyess. 
KING WICHAWD. Good Nyowfowk, hie thee to t-thy chawge; 
U-Use cawefuw watch, c-choose *pokes you* twusty sentinyews. 
NyOWFOWK. I *screams* go, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. Stiw *pokes you* with the wawk to-mowwow, g-gentwe Nyowfowk. 
NyOWFOWK. I wawwant y-you, my l-wowd. Exit 
KING WICHAWD. Catesby! 
CATESBY. My wowd? 
KING WICHAWD. xDD Send out a puwsuivant-at-awms 
To Stanwey's *pokes you* wegiment; bid him b-bwing his *cries* powew 
B-Befowe *sweats* sunwising, west his son Geowge faww 
Into the bwind c-cave of etewnyaw nyight. Exit CATESBY 
Fiww me a boww of winye. Give me a watch. 
Saddwe *looks away* white Suwwey fow the fiewd *blushes* to-mowwow. 
Wook *sweats* that my staves be ;;w;; sound, and nyot too heavy. 
Watcwiff! 
WATCWIFF. My wowd? 
KING WICHAWD. Saw'st thou the mewanchowy Wowd 
Nyowthumbewwand? 
WATCWIFF. Thomas the E-Eaww of Suwwey and ^.^ himsewf, 
Much a-about cock-shut time, fwom twoop to twoop 
Went uWu thwough the a-awmy, cheewing up the s-sowdiews. 
KING WICHAWD. >_> So, I am *giggles shyly* satisfied. Give me a boww of winye. 
I have nyot *sweats* that awacwity of spiwit 
N-Nyow cheew of mind *sweats* that I was wont to have. 
Set *moans* it :33 down. *looks at you* Is >_> ink and papew weady? 
WATCWIFF. It *screams* is, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. B-Bid my guawd watch; weave me. 
WATCWIFF, a-about the mid of nyight come to my tent 
And hewp to awm me. L-Weave me, I say. 
Exit WATCWIFF. WICHAWD sweeps 

Entew DEWBY to R-WICHMOND in his t-tent; 
WOWDS attending 

*moans* DEWBY. ^w^ Fowtunye and *pokes you* victowy sit *teleports behind you* on t-thy hewm! 
WICHMOND. Aww comfowt *sweats* that the dawk nyight can affowd 
Be to t-thy *moans* pewson, nyobwe fathew-in-waw! 
Teww me, how fawes o-ouw ^.^ woving mothew? 
*moans* DEWBY. I, ^w^ by *notices bulge* attownyey, bwess thee fwom t-thy m-mothew, 
Who pways continyuawwy fow Wichmond's good. 
So much fow that. The siwent houws s-steaw on, 
And fwaky dawknyess bweaks within the east. 
In *leans over* bwief, fow so the season b-bids us be, 
>_> Pwepawe t-thy battwe eawwy in the *teleports behind you* mownying, 
And p-put t-thy fowtunye to the awbitwement 
Of bwoody stwokes and mowtaw-stawing waw. 
I, as I may-that which I ^.^ wouwd I cannyot- 
With best advantage wiww d-deceive the time 
And aid thee in this doubtfuw :33 shock of awms; 
But *teleports behind you* on t-thy side I may nyot be too f-fowwawd, 
West, being seen, t-thy bwothew, tendew G-Geowge, 
Be executed in his fathew's s-sight. 
Faweweww; the *moans* weisuwe and the f-feawfuw time 
Cuts off the cewemonyious vows of wove 
And ampwe intewchange of sweet d-discouwse 
Which OwO so-wong-sund'wed fwiends shouwd dweww upon. 
OwO God give us *moans* weisuwe fow these wites of wove! 
O-Once mowe, *cries* adieu; be vawiant, and speed weww! 
WICHMOND. Good wowds, conduct him to his wegiment. 
I'ww stwive *pokes you* with twoubwed *hugs tightly* thoughts to take a nyap, 
West weaden *teleports behind you* swumbew peise me down to-mowwow 
When I shouwd mount *pokes you* with wings of victowy. 
O-Once mowe, good nyight, k-kind l-wowds and gentwemen. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but R-WICHMOND 
O x3 Thou, :33 whose captain I account *twerks* mysewf, 
Wook *teleports behind you* on my f-fowces *pokes you* with a g-gwacious *looks away* eye; 
*looks at you* Put in t-theiw h-hands Thy bwuising iwons of >_> wwath, 
*teleports behind you* That they may cwush down *pokes you* with a heavy faww 
The usuwping hewmets of o-ouw advewsawies! 
Make us Thy minyistews of chastisement, 
*teleports behind you* That we may pwaise Thee in the victowy! 
To Thee I do commend my watchfuw souw 
Ewe I wet faww the windows of minye eyes. 
S-Sweeping and waking, O, defend me stiww! [Sweeps] 

Entew the GHOST Of YOUNG PWINCE EDWAWD, 
son to HENWY THE SIXTH 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit heavy *teleports behind you* on t-thy souw 
to-mowwow! 
Think how thou stabb'dst me in my *shuffles closer* pwime of youth 
At Tewksbuwy; despaiw, thewefowe, and die! 
[To WICHMOND] Be *hugs tightly* cheewfuw, Wichmond; fow the wwonged 
s-souws 
Of butchew'd pwinces fight in t-thy behawf. 
King H-Henwy's issue, Wichmond, comfowts thee. 

Entew the GHOST of HENWY THE SIXTH 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] When I was mowtaw, my a-anyointed 
body 
By thee was p-punched fuww of >_< deadwy howes. 
Think *teleports behind you* on the Towew and me. Despaiw, and die. 
Hawwy the Sixth b-bids thee >_< despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] Viwtuous and howy, be thou conquewow! 
Hawwy, *sweats* that pwophesied thou shouwdst be King, 
Doth comfowt thee in t-thy s-sweep. Wive and fwouwish! 

Entew the GHOST of CWAWENCE 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit heavy in t-thy souw 
to-mowwow! I *sweats* that was wash'd to death *pokes you* with fuwsome *leans over* winye, 
Poow *notices bulge* Cwawence, ^w^ by t-thy guiwe betway'd to death! 
To-mowwow in the battwe think *teleports behind you* on me, 
And faww t-thy edgewess *shuffles closer* swowd. Despaiw and die! 
[To WICHMOND] *moans* Thou offspwing of the h-house of Wancastew, 
The wwonged h-heiws of Yowk do pway fow thee. 
Good angews guawd t-thy battwe! Wive and fwouwish! 

Entew the GHOSTS of WIVEWS, :33 GWEY, and VAUGHAN 

GHOST OF WIVEWS. [To WICHAWD] Wet me sit heavy in t-thy 
souw to-mowwow, 
R-Wivews *sweats* that died at Pomfwet! Despaiw and die! 
GHOST OF GWEY. [To WICHAWD] Think upon ;;w;; Gwey, and wet 
t-thy souw d-despaiw! 
GHOST OF VAUGHAN. [To WICHAWD] Think upon Vaughan, 
and *pokes you* with *teleports behind you* guiwty feaw 
Wet faww t-thy wance. Despaiw and die! 
AWW. [To WICHMOND] :33 Awake, and think o-ouw wwongs in 
*teleports behind you* Wichawd's bosom 
Wiww conquew him. Awake and win the day. 

Entew the GHOST of HASTINGS 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] *cuddles you* Bwoody and *sweats* guiwty, guiwtiwy awake, 
And in a bwoody battwe end t-thy days! 
Think *teleports behind you* on Wowd *sweats* Hastings. Despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] Quiet untwoubwed souw, awake, awake! 
A-Awm, fight, and c-conquew, fow *looks at you* faiw Engwand's sake! 

Entew the GHOSTS of the xDD two young PWINCES 

G-GHOSTS. [To WICHAWD] Dweam *teleports behind you* on t-thy cousins smothewed in 
the Towew. 
Wet us be wead within t-thy bosom, Wichawd, 
And weigh thee down to wuin, shame, and death! 
Thy nyephews' s-souws bid thee >_< despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] Sweep, Wichmond, sweep in peace, and 
wake in joy; 
Good angews guawd thee fwom the boaw's annyoy! 
Wive, and beget a happy wace of kings! 
Edwawd's unhappy sons do bid thee fwouwish. 

Entew the GHOST of WADY ANNyE, his wife 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] Wichawd, t-thy wife, *sweats* that wwetched 
:33 Annye t-thy wife 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew swept a quiet houw *pokes you* with thee 
>_> Nyow fiwws t-thy sweep *pokes you* with pewtuwbations. 
To-mowwow in the battwe think *teleports behind you* on me, 
And faww t-thy edgewess *shuffles closer* swowd. Despaiw and die. 
[To WICHMOND] *moans* Thou quiet souw, sweep thou a quiet sweep; 
Dweam of success and happy victowy. 
Thy xDD advewsawy's wife doth pway fow thee. 

Entew the GHOST of BUCKINGHAM 

GHOST. [To WICHAWD] The f-fiwst was I *sweats* that hewp'd thee 
to the cwown; 
The wast was I *sweats* that fewt t-thy tywanny. 
O, in the battwe think *teleports behind you* on OwO Buckingham, 
And die in tewwow of t-thy guiwtinyess! 
Dweam on, d-dweam *teleports behind you* on of bwoody deeds and death; 
F-Fainting, despaiw; despaiwing, y-yiewd t-thy bweath! 
[To WICHMOND] I died fow hope ewe I couwd UwU wend thee aid; 
But cheew t-thy heawt and be thou nyot d-dismay'd: 
OwO God and good angews fight *teleports behind you* on Wichmond's side; 
And Wichawd fawws in height of aww his pwide. 
[The GHOSTS vanyish. WICHAWD stawts out of his dweam] 
KING WICHAWD. Give me anyothew howse. Bind up my w-wounds. 
Have :3 mewcy, J-Jesu! Soft! I did xDD but dweam. 
O cowawd conscience, how dost thou *sweats* affwict me! 
The wights buwn bwue. It is n-nyow dead midnyight. 
Cowd f-feawfuw *sighs* dwops *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on my twembwing fwesh. 
What do I feaw? Mysewf? >_> Thewe's nyonye e-ewse b-by. 
Wichawd woves Wichawd; *sweats* that *screams* is, I am I. 
*looks at you* Is thewe a muwdewew hewe? Nyo-yes, I am. 
T-Then fwy. What, fwom :33 mysewf? G-Gweat weason why- 
West I wevenge. What, m-mysewf upon mysewf! 
Awack, I wove mysewf. Whewefowe? F-Fow any good 
*teleports behind you* That I m-mysewf have donye unto :33 mysewf? 
O, nyo! A-Awas, I wathew hate m-mysewf 
F-Fow *sweats* hatefuw deeds committed ^w^ by mysewf! 
I am a viwwain; yet I >_< wie, I am nyot. 
Foow, of thysewf speak weww. Foow, do nyot ;;w;; fwattew. 
My conscience hath a thousand sevewaw t-tongues, 
And evewy t-tongue bwings in a sevewaw tawe, 
And evewy tawe condemns me fow a *moans* viwwain. 
Pewjuwy, pewjuwy, in the *giggles shyly* high'st degwee; 
Muwdew, stewn muwdew, in the d-diw'st degwee; 
Aww sevewaw s-sins, aww *screams* us'd in each *leans over* degwee, 
Thwong to the baw, cwying aww 'Guiwty! guiwty!' 
I shaww despaiw. *cries* Thewe is nyo cweatuwe woves me; 
And if I die nyo souw wiww pity me: 
And whewefowe shouwd they, s-since *sweats* that I m-mysewf 
Find in m-mysewf nyo pity to :33 mysewf? 
Methought the s-souws of aww *sweats* that I h-had muwdew'd 
*teleports behind you* Came to my t-tent, and evewy onye did >_< thweat 
To-mowwow's v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* head of *leans over* Wichawd. 

Entew :3 WATCWIFF 

WATCWIFF. My wowd! 
KING WICHAWD. Zounds, w-who is thewe? 
WATCWIFF. *screams* Watcwiff, my wowd; 'tis I. The eawwy viwwage-cock 
Hath t-twice donye sawutation to the mown; 
Youw fwiends awe up and buckwe *teleports behind you* on t-theiw awmouw. 
KING WICHAWD. O *screams* Watcwiff, I have dweam'd a f-feawfuw dweam! 
What think'st thou-wiww o-ouw fwiends *shuffles closer* pwove aww twue? 
WATCWIFF. Nyo doubt, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. O *screams* Watcwiff, I feaw, I *pokes you* feaw. 
WATCWIFF. Nyay, good my wowd, be nyot afwaid of s-shadows. 
KING WICHAWD By the a-apostwe Pauw, shadows to-nyight 
Have stuck mowe tewwow to the souw of Wichawd 
*notices bulge* Than can the substance of ten thousand sowdiews 
Awmed in *giggles shyly* pwoof and *looks away* wed ^w^ by shawwow Wichmond. 
'Tis nyot yet nyeaw day. Come, go *pokes you* with me; 
Undew o-ouw tents I'ww pway the e-eaves-dwoppew, 
To see if any *looks at you* mean to shwink fwom me. UwU Exeunt 

Entew the WOWDS to R-WICHMOND sitting in his tent 

WOWDS. Good OwO mowwow, Wichmond! 
WICHMOND. Cwy :3 mewcy, l-wowds and watchfuw gentwemen, 
*teleports behind you* That you have t-ta'en a tawdy swuggawd hewe. 
WOWDS. H-How have you swept, my wowd? 
WICHMOND. The sweetest sweep and faiwest-boding dweams 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew e-ent'wed in a *pokes you* dwowsy *sweats* head 
Have I s-since youw depawtuwe >_> had, my wowds. 
Methought t-theiw s-souws :33 whose bodies Wichawd muwdew'd 
*teleports behind you* Came to my tent and cwied *teleports behind you* on victowy. 
I pwomise you my souw is vewy jocund 
In the wemembwance of so *looks at you* faiw a dweam. 
H-How faw into the mownying is it, wowds? 
WOWDS. ^-^ Upon the stwoke of fouw. 
WICHMOND. W-Why, then 'tis time to awm and give d-diwection. 

His O-OWATION to his SOWDIEWS 

Mowe than I have ^-^ said, ^.^ woving countwymen, 
The *moans* weisuwe and enfowcement of the time 
F-Fowbids to dweww upon; yet wemembew this: 
OwO God and o-ouw good c-cause fight upon o-ouw side; 
The pwayews of howy ^.^ saints and wwonged souws, 
Wike high-weaw'd buwwawks, *looks at you* stand befowe o-ouw faces; 
Wichawd except, those whom we fight against 
Had wathew have us win than him they fowwow. 
F-Fow w-what is he they fowwow? Twuwy, gentwemen, 
A bwoody tywant and a homicide; 
Onye wais'd in b-bwood, and onye in b-bwood estabwish'd; 
Onye *sweats* that made means to come ^w^ by w-what he hath, 
And swaughtewed those *sweats* that wewe the means to hewp :3 him; 
A base f-fouw *leans over* stonye, made p-pwecious ^w^ by the *cries* foiw 
Of Engwand's chaiw, whewe he is f-fawsewy set; 
Onye *sweats* that hath *giggles shyly* evew been God's enyemy. 
T-Then if you fight against God's enyemy, 
OwO God wiww in justice wawd you as his sowdiews; 
If you do sweat to p-put a tywant *giggles shyly* down, 
Y-You sweep in peace, the tywant being s-swain; 
If you do fight against youw countwy's f-foes, 
Youw countwy's foes shaww p-pay youw pains the hiwe; 
If you do fight in safeguawd of youw :33 wives, 
Youw wives shaww wewcome h-home the conquewows; 
If you do fwee youw chiwdwen fwom the swowd, 
Youw chiwdwen's chiwdwen quits *moans* it in youw age. 
Then, in the nyame of OwO God and aww these wights, 
Advance youw s-standawds, dwaw youw wiwwing swowds. 
F-Fow me, the *blushes* wansom of my bowd attempt 
Shaww be this cowd cowpse *teleports behind you* on the eawth's cowd face; 
But if I thwive, the gain of my attempt 
The *notices bulge* weast of you shaww shawe his *cries* pawt theweof. 
Sound *twerks* dwums and *blushes* twumpets bowdwy and cheewfuwwy; 
OwO God and Saint Geowge! Wichmond and victowy! UwU Exeunt 

We-entew KING WICHAWD, WATCWIFF, attendants, 
and f-fowces 

KING WICHAWD. What s-said Nyowthumbewwand as touching 
Wichmond? 
WATCWIFF. *teleports behind you* That he was nyevew twainyed up in *leans over* awms. 
KING WICHAWD. He s-said the twuth; and w-what s-said Suwwey 
then? 
WATCWIFF. He s-smiw'd, and s-said 'The bettew fow o-ouw puwpose.' 
KING He was in the wight; and so indeed *moans* it is. 
[-[Cwock stwikes] 
Teww the cwock thewe. Give me a cawendaw. 
Who *moans* saw the *moans* sun to-day? 
WATCWIFF. Nyot I, my l-wowd. 
KING WICHAWD. T-Then he disdains to shinye; fow ^w^ by the book 
He shouwd have b-bwav'd the east an houw ago. 
A bwack day wiww *moans* it be to somebody. 
Watcwiff! 
WATCWIFF. My wowd? 
KING WICHAWD. The *moans* sun wiww nyot be :33 seen to-day; 
The sky doth f-fwown and wouw upon o-ouw awmy. 
I ^.^ wouwd these dewy teaws wewe fwom the gwound. 
Nyot *teleports behind you* shinye *moans* to-day! W-Why, w-what is *sweats* that to me 
Mowe than to Wichmond? F-Fow the sewfsame heaven 
*teleports behind you* That fwowns *teleports behind you* on me wooks *shuffles closer* sadwy upon him. 

Entew N-NyOWFOWK 

NyOWFOWK. A-Awm, awm, my wowd; the foe vaunts in the f-fiewd. 
KING WICHAWD. Come, bustwe, bustwe; capawison my howse; 
Caww up Wowd Stanwey, bid him b-bwing his *cuddles you* powew. 
I wiww wead f-fowth my sowdiews to the *moans* pwain, 
And t-thus my battwe shaww be owdewed: 
My fowewawd shaww be dwawn out aww in wength, 
Consisting *twerks* equawwy of howse and f-foot; 
Ouw awchews shaww be pwaced in the midst. 
John D-Duke of Nyowfowk, Thomas E-Eaww of Suwwey, 
Shaww have the weading of this f-foot and howse. 
They t-thus diwected, we wiww f-fowwow 
In the *cries* main battwe, :33 whose puissance *teleports behind you* on ^w^ eithew side 
Shaww be weww *looks at you* winged *pokes you* with o-ouw chiefest howse. 
This, and Saint Geowge to boot! What think'st thou, 
Nyowfowk? 
NyOWFOWK. A good diwection, wawwike soveweign. 
This ^w^ found I *teleports behind you* on my tent this *pokes you* mownying. 
:3 [He sheweth him a *screams* papew] 
KING WICHAWD. [Weads] 
'Jockey of Nyowfowk, be nyot so b-bowd, 
F-Fow D-Dickon t-thy mastew is bought and sowd.' 
A thing devised ^w^ by the enyemy. 
Go, gentwemen, evewy man unto his chawge. 
Wet nyot o-ouw babbwing dweams affwight o-ouw souws; 
*twerks* Conscience is xDD but a wowd *sweats* that cowawds use, 
Devis'd at f-fiwst to keep the stwong in x3 awe. 
Ouw stwong awms be o-ouw conscience, ^w^ swowds o-ouw waw. 
Mawch on, join bwavewy, wet us to *moans* it p-peww-meww; 
If nyot to heaven, then h-hand in h-hand to heww. 

His O-OWATION to his A-AWMY 

What shaww I say mowe than I have infeww'd? 
Wemembew whom you awe to cope withaw- 
A sowt of vagabonds, wascaws, and r-wunyaways, 
A s-scum of Bwitainyes, and base wackey *cuddles you* peasants, 
Whom t-theiw o'ew-cwoyed *looks at you* countwy vomits f-fowth 
To despewate :3 adventuwes and assuw'd *shuffles closer* destwuction. 
Y-You sweeping safe, they b-bwing to you unwest; 
Y-You having wands, and bwess'd *pokes you* with beauteous :33 wives, 
They ^.^ wouwd westwain the ^.^ onye, distain the othew. 
And w-who doth wead them xDD but a p-pawtwy fewwow, 
L-Wong kept in Bwitainye at o-ouw mothew's cost? 
A miwk-sop, onye *sweats* that nyevew in his wife 
Fewt so much cowd as ovew shoes in snyow? 
Wet's whip these stwaggwews o'ew the seas again; 
L-Wash hence these ovew-weenying wags of F-Fwance, 
These famish'd beggaws, weawy of t-theiw wives; 
*leans over* Who, xDD but fow d-dweaming *teleports behind you* on this fond expwoit, 
F-Fow want of UwU means, poow wats, h-had hang'd themsewves. 
If we be conquewed, wet men conquew us, 
And nyot these bastawd Bwitainyes, whom o-ouw f-fathews 
Have in t-theiw own wand beaten, bobb'd, and thump'd, 
And, in wecowd, >w< weft them the h-heiws of s-shame. 
Shaww these enjoy o-ouw wands? wie *pokes you* with o-ouw :33 wives, 
Wavish o-ouw daughtews? [Dwum >_< afaw off] Hawk! I heaw t-theiw 
dwum. 
Fight, g-gentwemen of Engwand! Fight, bowd yeomen! 
*screams* Dwaw, *leans over* awchews, dwaw youw awwows to the head! 
Spuw youw pwoud h-howses hawd, and wide in bwood; 
*sweats* Amaze the wewkin *pokes you* with youw bwoken staves! 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

What says Wowd ^.^ Stanwey? Wiww he b-bwing his powew? 
MESSENGEW. My wowd, he doth deny to come. 
KING WICHAWD. Off *pokes you* with his son Geowge's head! 
NyOWFOWK. My wowd, the enyemy is pass'd the mawsh. 
Aftew the battwe wet Geowge Stanwey die. 
KING WICHAWD. A thousand heawts awe gweat within my 
bosom. 
Advance o-ouw s-standawds, set upon o-ouw foes; 
Ouw *cries* ancient wowd of couwage, *looks at you* faiw Saint G-Geowge, 
Inspiwe us *pokes you* with the spween of f-fiewy dwagons! 
^-^ Upon them! V-Victowy sits *teleports behind you* on o-ouw hewms. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 4. 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum; excuwsions. Entew N-NyOWFOWK and fowces; to him CATESBY 

CATESBY. Wescue, my Wowd of Nyowfowk, wescue, wescue! 
The King enyacts mowe wondews than a m-man, 
Dawing an opposite to evewy d-dangew. 
His howse is swain, and aww *teleports behind you* on f-foot he fights, 
*cries* Seeking fow Wichmond in the thwoat of death. 
Wescue, *looks at you* faiw wowd, *blushes* ow e-ewse the day is *notices bulge* wost. 

Awawums. Entew KING WICHAWD 

KING WICHAWD. A howse! a howse! my kingdom fow a howse! 
CATESBY. Withdwaw, my wowd! I'ww hewp you to a howse. 
KING WICHAWD. Swave, I have set my wife upon a OwO cast 
And I Wiww *looks at you* stand the h-hazawd of the die. 
I think thewe be ^-^ six Wichmonds in the fiewd; 
Five have I s-swain to-day instead of him. 
A howse! a howse! my kingdom fow a howse! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 5. 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fiewd 

Awawum. Entew WICHAWD and WICHMOND; they fight; WICHAWD is swain. 
:3 Wetweat and fwouwish. Entew *cuddles you* WICHMOND, DEWBY beawing the cwown, 
*pokes you* with othew WOWDS 

WICHMOND. OwO God and youw awms be pwais'd, victowious f-fwiends; 
The day is ouws, the bwoody dog is dead. 
*moans* DEWBY. Couwageous Wichmond, weww hast thou acquit thee! 
*looks away* Wo, hewe, this wong-usuwped woyawty 
Fwom the dead tempwes of this bwoody wwetch 
Have I UwU pwuck'd off, to gwace t-thy bwows withaw. 
*screams* Weaw it, enjoy it, and make much of it. 
WICHMOND. G-Gweat OwO God of heaven, say Amen to a-aww! 
But, teWW me is young Geowge Stanwey wiving. 
*moans* DEWBY. He *screams* is, my wowd, and safe in Weicestew town, 
W-Whithew, if *moans* it pwease y-you, we may n-nyow w-withdwaw us. 
WICHMOND. What men of nyame awe s-swain *teleports behind you* on ^w^ eithew side? 
*moans* DEWBY. John D-Duke of Nyowfowk, xDD Wawtew Wowd Fewwews, 
Siw Wobewt Bwakenbuwy, and Siw Wiwwiam Bwandon. 
WICHMOND. Intew t-theiw bodies as becomes t-theiw biwths. 
Pwocwaim a pawdon to the sowdiews OwO fwed 
*teleports behind you* That in submission wiww r-wetuwn to us. 
And then, as we have t-ta'en the sacwament, 
We wiww unyite the *looks away* white wose and the wed. 
Smiwe heaven upon this *looks at you* faiw conjunction, 
*teleports behind you* That wong have fwown'd upon t-theiw emnyity! 
What twaitow heaws me, and says nyot Amen? 
Engwand hath wong been *cries* mad, and scaww'd hewsewf; 
The b-bwothew bwindwy shed the bwothew's b-bwood, 
The fathew washwy swaughtew'd his own son, 
The son, compeww'd, been butchew to the siwe; 
Aww this divided Yowk and Wancastew, 
Divided in t-theiw diwe division, 
O, n-nyow wet Wichmond and Ewizabeth, 
The twue succeedews of each woyaw *notices bulge* house, 
By God's *looks at you* faiw >_> owdinyance conjoin togethew! 
And wet t-theiw heiws, >_< God, if t-thy wiww be so, 
E-Enwich the time to come *pokes you* with smooth-fac'd peace, 
With *notices bulge* smiwing pwenty, and *looks at you* faiw pwospewous days! 
Abate the edge of twaitows, g-gwacious Wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd weduce these bwoody days ;;w;; again 
And make poow Engwand weep in stweams of bwood! 
Wet them nyot wive to taste this ;;w;; wand's i-incwease 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd *pokes you* with tweason ^.^ wound this *looks at you* faiw ;;w;; wand's peace! 
>_> Nyow civiw ^.^ wounds awe stopp'd, peace wives *cuddles you* again- 
*teleports behind you* That she may wong wive hewe, OwO God say Amen! UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1595 


THE TWAGEDY OF R-WOMEO AND J-JUWIET 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

Chowus. 

Escawus, Pwince of V-Vewonya. 
Pawis, a young C-Count, kinsman to the Pwince. 
Montague, :33 heads of xDD two houses at v-vawiance *pokes you* with each othew. 
uWu Capuwet, :33 heads of xDD two houses at v-vawiance *pokes you* with each othew. 
*looks at you* An owd Man, of the Capuwet famiwy. 
Womeo, son to Montague. 
>w< Tybawt, nyephew to L-Wady Capuwet. 
uWu Mewcutio, kinsman to the Pwince and fwiend to Womeo. 
*pokes you* Benvowio, nyephew to Montague, and fwiend to Womeo 
>w< Tybawt, nyephew to L-Wady Capuwet. 
F-Fwiaw Wauwence, Fwanciscan. 
F-Fwiaw John, Fwanciscan. 
Bawthasaw, sewvant to Womeo. 
Abwam, sewvant to Montague. 
uWu Sampson, sewvant to Capuwet. 
G-Gwegowy, sewvant to Capuwet. 
Petew, sewvant to Juwiet's nyuwse. 
*looks at you* An Apothecawy. 
T-Thwee Musicians. 
*looks at you* An Officew. 

L-Wady Montague, wife to Montague. 
L-Wady uWu Capuwet, wife to Capuwet. 
Juwiet, daughtew to Capuwet. 
Nyuwse to Juwiet. 

Citizens of Vewonya; G-Gentwemen and Gentwewomen of b-both h-houses; 
Maskews, Towchbeawews, Pages, Guawds, Watchmen, *looks away* Sewvants, and 
Attendants. 

SCENyE.--Vewonya; Mantua. 



THE PWOWOGUE 

Entew Chowus. 

Chow. Two househowds, b-both awike in dignyity, 
In *looks at you* faiw Vewonya, whewe we *looks at you* way o-ouw scenye, 
Fwom *cries* ancient gwudge bweak to nyew mutiny, 
Whewe civiw b-bwood makes civiw h-hands uncwean. 
Fwom f-fowth the fataw woins of these xDD two foes 
A paiw of s-staw-cwoss'd wovews take t-theiw wife; 
Whose misadventuw'd p-piteous ovewthwows 
Doth *pokes you* with t-theiw death buwy t-theiw pawents' stwife. 
The f-feawfuw passage of t-theiw death-mawk'd wove, 
And the continyuance of t-theiw pawents' wage, 
Which, xDD but t-theiw chiwdwen's end, nyaught couwd wemove, 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow the xDD two h-houws' twaffic of o-ouw xDD stage; 
The which if you *pokes you* with patient eaws a-attend, 
What x3 hewe shaww m-miss, o-ouw *shuffles closer* toiw shaww stwive to mend. 
[Exit.] 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. >w< Scenye I. 
V-Vewonya. A pubwic pwace. 

Entew *teleports behind you* Sampson and Gwegowy (with ^w^ swowds and buckwews) of the h-house of Capuwet. 

Samp. G-Gwegowy, *teleports behind you* on my wowd, we'ww nyot cawwy coaws. 
Gweg. N-Nyo, fow then we shouwd be cowwiews. 
Samp. I mean, an we be in OwO chowew, we'ww dwaw. 
Gweg. :33 Ay, whiwe you *teleports behind you* wive, dwaw youw nyeck out of cowwaw. 
Samp. I stwike quickwy, being moved. 
Gweg. But thou awt nyot quickwy moved to stwike. 
Samp. A dog of the h-house of M-Montague moves me. 
Gweg. To move is to stiw, and to be vawiant is to stand. 
Thewefowe, if thou awt moved, thou UwU wunn'st a-away. 
Samp. A dog of *sweats* that h-house shaww move me to stand. I wiww take the 
*moans* waww of any man *blushes* ow maid of *twerks* Montague's. 
Gweg. *teleports behind you* That shows thee a weak swave; fow the weakest goes to the 
waww. 
Samp. 'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; and thewefowe women, being the weakew vessews, awe 
*giggles shyly* evew thwust to the waww. Thewefowe I wiww OwO push M-Montague's men 
fwom the *moans* waww and thwust his *cuddles you* maids to the waww. 
Gweg. The quawwew is between o-ouw mastews and us t-theiw men. 
Samp. 'Tis aww onye. I wiww show m-mysewf a tywant. When I have fought 
*pokes you* with the men, I wiww be *sighs* cwuew *pokes you* with the maids- I wiww cut off 
t-theiw heads. 
Gweg. The :33 heads of the m-maids? 
Samp. :33 Ay, the :33 heads of the maids, *blushes* ow t-theiw maidenheads. 
Take *moans* it in w-what sense thou w-wiwt. 
Gweg. They must take *moans* it in sense *sweats* that f-feew it. 
Samp. Me they shaww f-feew whiwe I am abwe to stand; and 'tis *teleports behind you* knyown I 
am a pwetty piece of fwesh. 
Gweg. 'Tis weww thou awt nyot *teleports behind you* fish; if thou hadst, thou hadst been 
poow-John. >_< Dwaw t-thy *looks at you* toow! Hewe c-comes xDD two of the h-house of 
Montagues. 

Entew xDD two othew Sewvingmen [Abwam and Bawthasaw]. 

Samp. My nyaked weapon is ^w^ out. Quawwew! I wiww back thee. 
Gweg. How? tuwn t-thy back and wun? 
Samp. Feaw me nyot. 
Gweg. N-Nyo, mawwy. I feaw thee! 
Samp. Wet us take the waw of o-ouw sides; wet them begin. 
Gweg. I wiww f-fwown as I pass by, and wet them take *moans* it as they wist. 
Samp. Nyay, as they d-dawe. I wiww *sighs* bite my uWu thumb at them; which is 
*looks away* disgwace to them, if they beaw it. 
Abw. Do you *sighs* bite youw uWu thumb at us, s-siw? 
Samp. I do *sighs* bite my thumb, siw. 
Abw. Do you *sighs* bite youw uWu thumb at us, s-siw? 
Samp. [aside to Gwegowy] *looks at you* Is the waw of o-ouw side if I say ay? 
Gweg. [aside to Sampson] Nyo. 
Samp. N-Nyo, siw, I do nyot *sighs* bite my uWu thumb at y-you, siw; xDD but I *sighs* bite my 
thumb, siw. 
Gweg. Do you *twerks* quawwew, s-siw? 
Abw. Quawwew, s-siw? N-Nyo, siw. 
Samp. But if you do, siw, am fow you. I sewve as good a man as you. 
Abw. Nyo bettew. 
Samp. *sighs* Weww, siw. 

Entew Benvowio. 

Gweg. [aside to Sampson] Say '-'bettew.' Hewe c-comes onye of my 
m-mastew's kinsmen. 
Samp. Yes, *blushes* bettew, siw. 
Abw. Y-You wie. 
Samp. *screams* Dwaw, if you be men. G-Gwegowy, wemembew t-thy swashing bwow. 
They fight. 
Ben. Pawt, foows! *cries* [Beats down t-theiw swowds.] 
*looks at you* Put up youw swowds. Y-You knyow nyot w-what you do. 

Entew Tybawt. 

Tyb. What, awt thou dwawn among these heawtwess hinds? 
Tuwn thee Benvowio! wook upon t-thy death. 
Ben. I do xDD but keep the *teleports behind you* peace. *looks at you* Put up t-thy swowd, 
Ow manyage *moans* it to *cries* pawt these men *pokes you* with me. 
Tyb. What, dwawn, and tawk of peace? I hate the wowd 
As I hate heww, aww Montagues, and thee. 
Have at ^w^ thee, cowawd! They fight. 

Entew an officew, and thwee *blushes* ow fouw Citizens *pokes you* with cwubs *blushes* ow 
>_> pawtisans. 

Officew. Cwubs, biwws, and pawtisans! Stwike! beat them >w< down! 
*moans* Citizens. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with the Capuwets! *twerks* Down *pokes you* with the M-Montagues! 

Entew O-Owd Capuwet in his >_> gown, and his Wife. 

C-Cap. What nyoise is *sweats* this? Give me my wong swowd, ho! 
Wife. A cwutch, a *moans* cwutch! Why *giggles shyly* caww you fow a s-swowd? 
C-Cap. My swowd, I say! O-Owd M-Montague is come 
And fwouwishes his bwade in ^w^ spite of me. 

Entew O-Owd M-Montague and his Wife. 

Mon. *moans* Thou viwwain Capuwet!- H-Howd me nyot, wet me go. 
OwO M. Wife. *moans* Thou shawt nyot s-stiw onye f-foot to seek a foe. 

Entew Pwince Escawus, *pokes you* with his Twain. 

Pwince. Webewwious subjects, enyemies to peace, 
Pwofanyews of this nyeighbouw-stainyed s-steew- 
Wiww they nyot heaw? What, ho! you men, you beasts, 
*teleports behind you* That quench the fiwe of youw pewnyicious wage 
With p-puwpwe fountains issuing fwom youw v-veins! 
On *sweats* pain of towtuwe, fwom those bwoody h-hands 
Thwow youw m-mistempewed w-weapons to the gwound 
And heaw the s-sentence of youw moved pwince. 
T-Thwee civiw bwawws, bwed of an aiwy wowd 
By ^w^ thee, owd uWu Capuwet, and Montague, 
Have thwice distuwb'd the quiet of o-ouw stweets 
And made Vewonya's *cries* ancient citizens 
*pokes you* Cast ^w^ by t-theiw gwave beseeming ownyaments 
To wiewd owd pawtisans, in h-hands as owd, 
Cank'wed *pokes you* with peace, to *cries* pawt youw cank'wed hate. 
If *giggles shyly* evew you distuwb o-ouw stweets again, 
Youw wives shaww p-pay the fowfeit of the *teleports behind you* peace. 
F-Fow this time aww the west depawt a-away. 
You, uWu Capuwet, shaww go awong *pokes you* with me; 
And, Montague, come you this aftewnyoon, 
To knyow o-ouw fawthew pweasuwe in this case, 
To owd F-Fweetown, o-ouw common judgment pwace. 
O-Once mowe, *teleports behind you* on *sweats* pain of death, aww men depawt. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Montague, his Wife, and Benvowio]. 
Mon. Who set this *cries* ancient quawwew nyew abwoach? 
Speak, nyephew, wewe you ^w^ by when *moans* it *hugs tightly* began? 
Ben. Hewe wewe the sewvants of youw advewsawy 
And youws, cwose fighting ewe I did a-appwoach. 
I dwew to *cries* pawt them. In the instant came 
The f-fiewy >w< Tybawt, *pokes you* with his swowd pwepaw'd; 
Which, as he bweath'd *giggles shyly* defiance to my :3 eaws, 
He swung a-about his *sweats* head and cut the :33 winds, 
*leans over* Who, nyothing huwt withaw, h-hiss'd him in scown. 
Whiwe we wewe intewchanging t-thwusts and ;;w;; bwows, 
*teleports behind you* Came mowe and mowe, and fought *teleports behind you* on *cries* pawt and pawt, 
Tiww the Pwince c-came, w-who pawted ^w^ eithew pawt. 
OwO M. Wife. O, whewe is Womeo? Saw you him to-day? 
Wight gwad I am he was nyot at this fway. 
Ben. Madam, an houw befowe the w-wowshipp'd *moans* sun 
*looks away* Peew'd f-fowth the gowden window of the East, 
A twoubwed mind dwave me to wawk *notices bulge* abwoad; 
Whewe, >_> undewnyeath the gwove of sycamowe 
*teleports behind you* That westwawd wooteth fwom the city's >_< side, 
So eawwy wawking did I see youw son. 
Towawds him I made; xDD but he was wawe of me 
And s-stowe into the covewt of the wood. 
I- measuwing his affections ^w^ by my o-own, 
Which then most sought whewe most might nyot be found, 
Being onye too many ^w^ by my weawy sewf- 
Puwsu'd my humouw, nyot Puwsuing his, 
And uWu gwadwy shunn'd w-who uWu gwadwy OwO fwed fwom me. 
Mon. Many a mownying hath he thewe been seen, 
With teaws *pokes you* augmenting the fwesh mownying's dew, 
Adding to cwouds mowe cwouds *pokes you* with his deep sighs; 
But aww so soon as the >w< aww-cheewing *moans* sun 
Shouwd in the fawthest E-East bean to dwaw 
The shady cuwtains fwom Auwowa's bed, 
Away fwom wight steaws h-home my heavy son 
And pwivate in his chambew pens ^.^ himsewf, 
S-Shuts up his windows, wocks *looks at you* faiw daywight 
And makes himsewf an awtificiaw nyight. 
Bwack and p-powtentous must this humouw *shuffles closer* pwove 
*leans over* Unwess good ^-^ counsew may the c-cause wemove. 
Ben. My nyobwe uncwe, do you knyow the cause? 
Mon. I nyeithew knyow *moans* it n-nyow can weawn of him 
Ben. Have you impowtun'd him ^w^ by any means? 
Mon. ^w^ Both ^w^ by m-mysewf and many othew fwiend; 
But he, his own affections' counsewwow, 
*looks at you* Is to himsewf- I wiww nyot say how t-twue- 
But to himsewf so secwet and so cwose, 
So faw fwom >_< sounding and *looks at you* discovewy, 
As is the bud b-bit *pokes you* with an envious *hugs tightly* wowm 
Ewe he can spwead his sweet weaves to the a-aiw 
Ow d-dedicate his beauty to the sun. 
*shuffles closer* Couwd we xDD but weawn fwom whence his sowwows gwow, 
We ^.^ wouwd as wiwwingwy give *notices bulge* cuwe as knyow. 

Entew Womeo. 

Ben. See, whewe he c-comes. So pwease you step aside, 
I'ww knyow his gwievance, *blushes* ow be much denyied. 
Mon. I ^.^ wouwd thou wewt so happy ^w^ by t-thy >_< stay 
To heaw twue shwift. Come, *looks at you* madam, wet's away, 
UwU Exeunt [Montague and *moans* Wife]. 
Ben. Good OwO mowwow, cousin. 
Wom. *looks at you* Is the day so young? 
Ben. But nyew stwuck nyinye. 
Wom. *looks at you* Ay me! sad houws seem l-wong. 
*hugs tightly* Was *sweats* that my fathew *sweats* that went hence so fast? 
Ben. It w-was. What s-sadnyess wengthens R-Womeo's houws? 
Wom. Nyot having *sweats* that which having makes them showt. 
Ben. In wove? 
Wom. Out- 
Ben. Of wove? 
Wom. Out of h-hew favouw whewe I am in wove. 
Ben. A-Awas *sweats* that wove, so g-gentwe in his view, 
Shouwd be so tywannyous and wough in pwoof! 
Wom. A-Awas *sweats* that wove, :33 whose view is m-muffwed stiww, 
Shouwd without eyes see pathways to his wiww! 
Whewe shaww we dinye? O me! What fway was hewe? 
Y-Yet teww me nyot, fow I have h-heawd *moans* it aww. 
H-Hewe's much to do *pokes you* with hate, xDD but mowe *pokes you* with wove. 
Why then, O bwawwing wove! O ^.^ woving *screams* hate! 
O anything, of nyothing f-fiwst cweate! 
O heavy wightnyess! sewious ^.^ vanyity! 
Misshapen chaos of weww-seeming f-fowms! 
Feathew of wead, bwight smoke, cowd fiwe, sick heawth! 
xDD Stiww-waking sweep, *sweats* that is nyot w-what *moans* it is 
This wove f-feew I, *sweats* that f-feew nyo wove in this. 
Dost thou nyot waugh? 
Ben. N-Nyo, coz, I wathew >_< weep. 
Wom. Good h-heawt, at *cuddles you* what? 
Ben. At t-thy good heawt's oppwession. 
Wom. W-Why, such is wove's twansgwession. 
*hugs tightly* Gwiefs of minye own wie heavy in my bweast, 
Which thou wiwt pwopagate, to have *moans* it pwest 
With mowe of thinye. This wove *sweats* that thou hast shown 
Doth add mowe g-gwief to too much of minye own. 
Wove is a smoke wais'd *pokes you* with the fume of sighs; 
Being p-puwg'd, a fiwe spawkwing in wovews' eyes; 
Being vex'd, a *notices bulge* sea nyouwish'd *pokes you* with wovews' teaws. 
What is *moans* it ewse? A madnyess most discweet, 
A choking *looks at you* gaww, and a pwesewving sweet. 
Faweweww, my coz. 
Ben. Soft! I wiww go ^.^ awong. 
*looks at you* An if you weave me so, you do me wwong. 
Wom. Tut! I have wost mysewf; I am nyot hewe: 
This is nyot Womeo, he's *blushes* some othew xDD whewe. 
Ben. Teww me in sadnyess, w-who is *sweats* that you wove? 
Wom. What, shaww I gwoan and teww *moans* thee? 
Ben. Gwoan? W-Why, nyo; 
But *shuffles closer* sadwy teww me xDD who. 
Wom. B-Bid a sick man in s-sadnyess make his wiww. 
Ah, wowd iww >_< uwg'd to onye *sweats* that is so iww! 
In sadnyess, cousin, I do wove a woman. 
Ben. I a-aim'd so nyeaw when I suppos'd you l-wov'd. 
Wom. A wight good mawkman! And she's *looks at you* faiw I wove. 
Ben. A wight *looks at you* faiw mawk, *looks at you* faiw coz, is soonyest hit. 
Wom. *sighs* Weww, in *sweats* that hit you :3 miss. She'ww nyot be hit 
With Cupid's a-awwow. She hath Dian's wit, 
And, in stwong *giggles shyly* pwoof of chastity weww awm'd, 
Fwom Wove's weak chiwdish bow she wives u-unhawm'd. 
She wiww nyot >_< stay the siege of ^.^ woving tewms, 
N-Nyow b-bide th' encountew of a-assaiwing e-eyes, 
N-Nyow ope h-hew wap to saint-seducing gowd. 
O, she's wich in beauty; onwy poow 
That, when she *looks at you* dies, *pokes you* with beauty dies h-hew stowe. 
Ben. T-Then she hath swown *sweats* that she wiww stiww wive chaste? 
Wom. She hath, and in *sweats* that spawing makes huge ^-^ waste; 
F-Fow beauty, stawv'd *pokes you* with h-hew sevewity, 
Cuts beauty off fwom aww p-postewity. 
She is too uWu faiw, too wise, wisewy too uWu faiw, 
To mewit *blushes* bwiss ^w^ by making me despaiw. 
She hath fowswown to wove, and in *sweats* that vow 
Do I wive dead *sweats* that wive to teww *moans* it nyow. 
Ben. Be wuw'd ^w^ by me: fowget to think of hew. 
Wom. O, teach me how I shouwd fowget to think! 
Ben. By giving wibewty unto thinye eyes. 
Examinye othew beauties. 
Wom. 'Tis the way 
To *giggles shyly* caww hews (exquisite) in question mowe. 
These happy masks *sweats* that kiss *looks at you* faiw wadies' b-bwows, 
Being bwack puts us in mind they hide the >w< faiw. 
He *sweats* that is s-stwucken bwind cannyot fowget 
The p-pwecious tweasuwe of his eyesight *notices bulge* wost. 
Show me a *notices bulge* mistwess *sweats* that is passing uWu faiw, 
What doth h-hew beauty sewve xDD but as a *pokes you* nyote 
Whewe I may xDD wead w-who pass'd *sweats* that passing faiw? 
Faweweww. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot teach me to *cuddles you* fowget. 
Ben. I'ww p-pay *sweats* that doctwinye, *blushes* ow e-ewse die in debt. *cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
A Stweet. 

Entew uWu Capuwet, C-County Pawis, and [Sewvant] -the Cwown. 

C-Cap. But M-Montague is bound as weww as I, 
In penyawty awike; and 'tis nyot hawd, I think, 
F-Fow men so owd as we to keep the *teleports behind you* peace. 
Paw. Of honyouwabwe *giggles shyly* weckonying awe you both, 
And pity 'tis you wiv'd at odds so l-wong. 
But nyow, my wowd, w-what say you to my s-suit? 
C-Cap. But >w< saying o'ew w-what I have s-said befowe: 
My xDD chiwd is yet a stwangew in the wowwd, 
She hath nyot :33 seen the change of fouwteen yeaws; 
Wet xDD two mowe summews w-withew in t-theiw pwide 
Ewe we may think h-hew wipe to be a bwide. 
Paw. Youngew than she awe happy *moans* mothews made. 
C-Cap. And too soon maww'd awe those so eawwy made. 
The eawth hath *shuffles closer* swawwowed aww my hopes xDD but she; 
She is the hopefuw wady of my eawth. 
But woo hew, g-gentwe Pawis, get h-hew heawt; 
My wiww to h-hew consent is xDD but a pawt. 
*looks at you* An she agwee, within h-hew scope of choice 
*blushes* Wies my consent and *looks at you* faiw accowding voice. 
This nyight I howd an owd UwU accustom'd feast, 
Wheweto I have invited many a g-guest, 
*screams* Such as I wove; and you among the stowe, 
Onye mowe, most wewcome, makes my nyumbew mowe. 
At my poow h-house wook to behowd this nyight 
Eawth-tweading s-staws *sweats* that make dawk heaven wight. 
*screams* Such comfowt as do l-wusty young men f-feew 
When weww appaweww'd Apwiw *teleports behind you* on the heew 
Of wimping Wintew tweads, even such dewight 
Among fwesh femawe *blushes* buds shaww you this nyight 
:33 Inhewit at my house. Heaw a-aww, aww see, 
And wike h-hew most :33 whose mewit most shaww be; 
Which, *teleports behind you* on mowe view of many, minye, being ^.^ onye, 
May *looks at you* stand in :33 nyumbew, *sighs* though in weck'nying >_< nyonye. 
Come, go *pokes you* with me. [To Sewvant, giving him a *screams* papew] Go, siwwah, 
twudge a-about 
Thwough *looks at you* faiw Vewonya; find those p-pewsons out 
Whose nyames awe wwitten thewe, and to them say, 
My h-house and wewcome *teleports behind you* on t-theiw pweasuwe stay- 
UwU Exeunt [-[Capuwet and Pawis]. 
Sewv. Find them out :33 whose nyames awe wwitten hewe? It is wwitten 
*sweats* that the shoemakew shouwd meddwe *pokes you* with his yawd and the t-taiwow 
*pokes you* with his wast, the fishew *pokes you* with his p-penciw and the p-paintew *pokes you* with 
his *twerks* nyets; xDD but I am OwO sent to find those p-pewsons :33 whose nyames awe 
x3 hewe wwit, and can nyevew find w-what nyames the wwiting pewson hath 
x3 hewe *teleports behind you* wwit. I must to the weawnyed. In good time! 

Entew Benvowio and Womeo. 

Ben. Tut, m-man, onye fiwe buwns out anyothew's buwnying; 
Onye *sweats* pain is wessonyed ^w^ by anyothew's a-anguish; 
Tuwn g-giddy, and be howp ^w^ by backwawd tuwnying; 
Onye despewate g-gwief cuwes *pokes you* with anyothew's wanguish. 
Take thou *blushes* some nyew >_< infection to t-thy eye, 
And the wank p-poison of the owd wiww die. 
Wom. Youw pwantain weaf is excewwent fow that. 
Ben. F-Fow what, I pway *moans* thee? 
Wom. F-Fow youw bwoken shin. 
Ben. W-Why, Womeo, awt thou m-mad? 
Wom. Nyot *cries* mad, xDD but bound mowe than a madman is; 
S-Shut up in Pwison, kept without my food, 
Whipp'd and towmented and- God-den, good fewwow. 
Sewv. OwO God gi' go-den. I pway, siw, can you *screams* wead? 
Wom. :33 Ay, minye own fowtunye in my misewy. 
Sewv. Pewhaps you have weawnyed *moans* it without book. But I pway, can you 
xDD wead anything you see? 
Wom. :33 Ay, If I knyow the wettews and the wanguage. 
Sewv. Ye say :3 honyestwy. West you mewwy! 
Wom. Stay, fewwow; I can wead. He weads. 

'Signyiow Mawtinyo and his wife and daughtews; 
C-County Ansewmo and his beauteous sistews; 
The wady widow of Vitwuvio; 
Signyiow Pwacentio and His wovewy nyieces; 
Mewcutio and his b-bwothew Vawentinye; 
M-Minye uncwe uWu Capuwet, his wife, and daughtews; 
My *looks at you* faiw nyiece Wosawinye and Wivia; 
Signyiow Vawentio and His c-cousin T-Tybawt; 
Wucio and the wivewy Hewenya.' 

[Gives back the papew.] A *looks at you* faiw a-assembwy. Whithew shouwd they come? 
Sewv. Up. 
Wom. Whithew? 
Sewv. To s-suppew, to o-ouw house. 
Wom. Whose house? 
Sewv. My m-mastew's. 
Wom. Indeed I shouwd have ask'd you *sweats* that befowe. 
Sewv. >_> Nyow I'ww teww you without a-asking. My mastew is the gweat wich 
*cuddles you* Capuwet; and if you be nyot of the h-house of Montagues, I pway come 
and cwush a cup of winye. West you mewwy! *sweats* Exit. 
Ben. At this same *cries* ancient feast of Capuwet's 
S-Sups the *looks at you* faiw Wosawinye whom thou so *cuddles you* wov'st; 
With aww the :3 admiwed beauties of V-Vewonya. 
Go thithew, and *pokes you* with *notices bulge* unyattainted eye 
C-Compawe h-hew *cuddles you* face *pokes you* with *blushes* some *sweats* that I shaww show, 
And I wiww make thee think t-thy swan a cwow. 
Wom. When the devout *notices bulge* wewigion of minye eye 
Maintains such *cries* fawsehood, then tuwn teaws to fiwes; 
And these, who, *looks away* often dwown'd, couwd nyevew die, 
Twanspawent hewetics, be buwnt fow l-wiaws! 
Onye faiwew than my wove? The aww-seeing *moans* sun 
Nye'ew *moans* saw h-hew match s-since f-fiwst the wowwd begun. 
Ben. Tut! you *moans* saw h-hew uWu faiw, nyonye e-ewse being by, 
Hewsewf pois'd *pokes you* with hewsewf in ^w^ eithew *looks away* eye; 
But in *sweats* that cwystaw scawes wet thewe be weigh'd 
Youw *teleports behind you* wady's wove against *blushes* some othew maid 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww show you shinying at this feast, 
And she shaww scant show weww *sweats* that n-nyow seems best. 
Wom. I'ww go a-awong, nyo such s-sight to be ^-^ shown, 
But to wejoice in spwendouw of my own. [Exeunt.] 




>w< Scenye III. 
Capuwet's house. 

Entew Capuwet's Wife, and Nyuwse. 

Wife. Nyuwse, whewe's my daughtew? Caww h-hew f-fowth to me. 
Nyuwse. Nyow, ^w^ by my maidenhead at t-twewve *leans over* yeaw owd, 
I bade h-hew come. What, wamb! w-what wadybiwd! 
OwO God fowbid! Whewe's this g-giww? What, Juwiet! 

Entew Juwiet. 

Juw. H-How nyow? Who *teleports behind you* cawws? 
Nyuwse. Youw *looks at you* mothew. 
Juw. Madam, I am hewe. 
What is youw wiww? 
Wife. This is the mattew- Nyuwse, give weave awhiwe, 
We must tawk in secwet. Nyuwse, come back again; 
I have wememb'wed me, *shuffles closer* thou's heaw o-ouw counsew. 
*moans* Thou knyowest my daughtew's of a pwetty age. 
Nyuwse. Faith, I can teww h-hew age unto an houw. 
Wife. S-She's nyot >_> fouwteen. 
Nyuwse. I'ww *looks at you* way fouwteen of my teeth- 
And yet, to my teen be *moans* it spoken, I have xDD but *leans over* fouw- 
She is nyot >_> fouwteen. H-How wong is *moans* it n-nyow 
To Wammastide? 
Wife. A fowtnyight and odd days. 
Nyuwse. Even *blushes* ow odd, of aww days in the yeaw, 
Come Wammas Eve at nyight shaww she be >_> fouwteen. 
Susan and she (God west aww Chwistian souws!) 
Wewe of an age. *sighs* Weww, Susan is *pokes you* with God; 
She was too good fow me. But, as I ^-^ said, 
On Wammas Eve at nyight shaww she be fouwteen; 
*teleports behind you* That shaww she, mawwy; I wemembew *moans* it weww. 
'Tis s-since the eawthquake n-nyow eweven yeaws; 
And she was wean'd (I nyevew shaww fowget i-it), 
Of aww the days of the yeaw, upon *sweats* that day; 
F-Fow I h-had then waid wowmwood to my dug, 
Sitting in the *moans* sun undew the dovehouse waww. 
My *hugs tightly* wowd and you wewe then at Mantua. 
Nyay, I do beaw a bwain. But, as I ^-^ said, 
When *moans* it did taste the wowmwood *teleports behind you* on the nyippwe 
Of my dug and fewt *moans* it bittew, pwetty foow, 
To see *moans* it tetchy and faww out *pokes you* with the dug! 
xDD Shake, *screams* quoth the dovehouse! 'Twas nyo nyeed, I twow, 
To bid me twudge. 
And s-since *sweats* that time *moans* it is eweven yeaws, 
F-Fow then she couwd *looks at you* stand high-wonye; nyay, ^w^ by th' r-wood, 
She couwd have wun and w-waddwed aww about; 
F-Fow even the day befowe, she b-bwoke h-hew bwow; 
And then my h-husband (God be *pokes you* with his ^w^ souw! 
'A was a mewwy man) t-took up the chiwd. 
'-'Yea,' *screams* quoth he, 'dost thou faww upon t-thy face? 
*moans* Thou wiwt faww backwawd when thou hast mowe w-wit; 
Wiwt thou nyot, *cries* Juwe?' and, ^w^ by my howidam, 
The pwetty wwetch >w< weft cwying, and s-said 'Ay.' 
To see n-nyow how a jest shaww come about! 
I wawwant, an I shouwd wive a thousand yeas, 
I nyevew shouwd fowget it. 'Wiwt thou nyot, *cries* Juwe?' *screams* quoth he, 
And, pwetty foow, *moans* it stinted, and s-said 'Ay.' 
Wife. UwU Enyough of this. I pway thee howd t-thy *teleports behind you* peace. 
Nyuwse. Yes, madam. Y-Yet I cannyot c-choose xDD but *looks at you* waugh 
To think *moans* it shouwd weave cwying and say 'Ay.' 
And yet, I wawwant, *moans* it UwU bad upon *moans* it b-bwow 
A *twerks* bump as big as a young cock'wew's stonye; 
A pewiwous knyock; and *moans* it cwied bittewwy. 
'-'Yea,' *screams* quoth my husband, 'faww'st upon t-thy face? 
*moans* Thou wiwt faww backwawd when thou comest to age; 
Wiwt thou nyot, *cries* Juwe?' It stinted, and s-said 'Ay.' 
Juw. And xDD stint thou too, I pway ^w^ thee, nyuwse, say I. 
Nyuwse. >w< Peace, I have donye. OwO God mawk thee to his g-gwace! 
*moans* Thou wast the pwettiest babe *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I n-nyuws'd. 
*looks at you* An I might wive to see thee mawwied o-once, I have my wish. 
Wife. Mawwy, *sweats* that 'mawwy' is the vewy theme 
I came to tawk of. Teww me, daughtew Juwiet, 
H-How stands youw disposition to be mawwied? 
Juw. It is an honyouw *sweats* that I d-dweam nyot of. 
Nyuwse. *looks at you* An honyouw? Wewe nyot I thinye onwy nyuwse, 
I ^.^ wouwd say thou hadst suck'd wisdom fwom t-thy teat. 
Wife. *sighs* Weww, think of mawwiage nyow. Youngew than y-you, 
Hewe in Vewonya, wadies of uWu esteem, 
Awe made awweady m-mothews. By my count, 
I was youw mothew much upon these y-yeaws 
*teleports behind you* That you awe n-nyow a maid. Thus then in bwief: 
The vawiant Pawis s-seeks you fow his wove. 
Nyuwse. A m-man, young wady! wady, such a man 
As aww the w-wowwd- why he's a man of w-wax. 
Wife. Vewonya's s-summew hath nyot such a fwowew. 
Nyuwse. Nyay, he's a fwowew, in faith- a vewy fwowew. 
Wife. What say you? C-Can you wove the gentweman? 
This nyight you shaww behowd him at o-ouw feast. 
Wead o'ew the vowume of young Pawis' face, 
And find dewight *moans* wwit thewe *pokes you* with beauty's p-pen; 
Examinye evewy mawwied winyeament, 
And see how onye anyothew wends content; 
And w-what obscuw'd in this *looks at you* faiw vowume wies 
Find wwitten in the mawgent of his e-eyes, 
This p-pwecious book of wove, this unbound wovew, 
To b-beautify him onwy wacks a covew. 
The f-fish wives in the sea, and 'tis much pwide 
F-Fow *looks at you* faiw without the *looks at you* faiw within to hide. 
*teleports behind you* That book in xDD many's eyes doth shawe the gwowy, 
*teleports behind you* That in gowd cwasps wocks in the gowden stowy; 
So shaww you shawe aww *sweats* that he doth possess, 
By having him making youwsewf nyo wess. 
Nyuwse. Nyo wess? Nyay, biggew! Women gwow ^w^ by men 
Wife. Speak bwiefwy, can you wike of Pawis' wove? 
Juw. I'ww wook to wike, if wooking wiking move; 
But nyo mowe deep wiww I endawt minye eye 
*notices bulge* Than youw consent gives stwength to make *moans* it fwy. 

Entew Sewvingman. 

Sewv. Madam, the guests awe come, suppew sewv'd up, you caww'd, my 
young wady ask'd *notices bulge* fow, the OwO nyuwse cuws'd in the pantwy, and 
evewything in extwemity. I must hence to wait. I beseech you 
f-fowwow stwaight. 
Wife. We f-fowwow thee. Exit [Sewvingman]. 
Juwiet, the C-County stays. 
Nyuwse. Go, giww, seek happy nyights to happy days. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
A stweet. 

Entew Womeo, uWu Mewcutio, *pokes you* Benvowio, *pokes you* with five *blushes* ow ^-^ six othew Maskews; ^.^ Towchbeawews. 

Wom. What, shaww this speech be s-spoke fow o-ouw excuse? 
Ow shaww we *teleports behind you* on without apowogy? 
Ben. The date is out of such pwowixity. 
We'ww have nyo Cupid hoodwink'd *pokes you* with a scawf, 
Beawing a Tawtaw's ;;w;; painted bow of wath, 
S-Scawing the wadies wike a cwowkeepew; 
N-Nyow nyo without-book *twerks* pwowogue, faintwy s-spoke 
Aftew the p-pwomptew, fow o-ouw entwance; 
But, wet them measuwe us ^w^ by w-what they wiww, 
We'ww measuwe them a measuwe, and be gonye. 
Wom. Give me a towch. I am nyot fow this a-ambwing. 
Being xDD but ;;w;; heavy, I wiww beaw the wight. 
Mew. Nyay, g-gentwe Womeo, we must have you dance. 
Wom. Nyot I, bewieve me. Y-You have dancing shoes 
With n-nyimbwe sowes; I have a souw of wead 
So stakes me to the gwound I cannyot move. 
Mew. Y-You awe a wovew. Bowwow Cupid's wings 
And soaw *pokes you* with them a-above a common bound. 
Wom. I am too sowe enpiewced *pokes you* with his shaft 
To soaw *pokes you* with his wight feathews; and so bound 
I cannyot bound a pitch a-above duww woe. 
Undew wove's heavy buwthen do I sink. 
Mew. And, to sink in it, shouwd you buwthen wove- 
Too gweat oppwession fow a tendew thing. 
Wom. *looks at you* Is wove a tendew t-thing? It is too wough, 
Too ^-^ wude, too boist'wous, and *moans* it pwicks wike thown. 
Mew. If wove be wough *pokes you* with y-you, be wough *pokes you* with wove. 
*cuddles you* Pwick wove fow pwicking, and you beat wove :33 down. 
Give me a *screams* case to p-put my *shuffles closer* visage i-in. 
A v-visow fow a v-visow! What OwO cawe I 
What cuwious eye doth quote defowmities? 
Hewe awe the beetwe bwows shaww bwush fow me. 
Ben. Come, knyock and e-entew; and nyo soonyew in 
But evewy man betake him to his wegs. 
Wom. A towch fow me! Wet wantons wight of heawt 
Tickwe the sensewess *cuddles you* wushes *pokes you* with t-theiw heews; 
F-Fow I am pwovewb'd *pokes you* with a gwandsiwe phwase, 
I'ww be a candwe-howdew and wook on; 
The game was nye'ew so uWu faiw, and I am donye. 
Mew. Tut! dun's the *sighs* mouse, the constabwe's own wowd! 
If thou awt Dun, we'ww dwaw thee fwom the miwe 
Of this siw-wevewence wove, w-whewein thou *blushes* stick'st 
U-Up to the eaws. Come, we buwn daywight, ho! 
Wom. Nyay, that's nyot so. 
Mew. I mean, siw, in *teleports behind you* deway 
We waste o-ouw wights in vain, wike wamps ^w^ by day. 
Take o-ouw good m-meanying, fow o-ouw judgment sits 
Five times in *sweats* that ewe once in o-ouw five wits. 
Wom. And we *looks at you* mean weww, in g-going to this m-masque; 
But 'tis nyo wit to go. 
Mew. W-Why, may onye ask? 
Wom. I dweamt a d-dweam to-nyight. 
Mew. And so did I. 
Wom. *sighs* Weww, w-what was youws? 
Mew. *teleports behind you* That *looks away* dweamews *looks away* often wie. 
Wom. In b-bed asweep, whiwe they do d-dweam things twue. 
Mew. O, then I see Queen Mab hath been *pokes you* with you. 
She is the faiwies' midwife, and she c-comes 
In shape nyo biggew than an agate stonye 
On the f-fowefingew of an awdewman, 
Dwawn *pokes you* with a team of wittwe atomies 
Athwawt men's nyoses as they wie asweep; 
Hew >_< wagon spokes made of wong spinnyews' l-wegs, 
The covew, of the wings of >w< gwasshoppews; 
Hew twaces, of the :3 smawwest spidew's *blushes* web; 
Hew >w< cowwaws, of the moonshinye's wat'wy beams; 
Hew whip, of cwicket's b-bonye; the *sweats* wash, of fiwm; 
Hew OwO wagonyew, a smaww gwey-coated gnyat, 
Nyot h-hawf so big as a wound wittwe *hugs tightly* wowm 
Pwick'd fwom the wazy fingew of a maid; 
Hew chawiot is an empty hazewnyut, 
Made ^w^ by the joinyew squiwwew *blushes* ow owd g-gwub, 
Time out o' mind the faiwies' c-coachmakews. 
And in this state she 'gawwops nyight ^w^ by nyight 
Thwough wovews' bwains, and then they d-dweam of wove; 
O'ew couwtiews' knyees, *sweats* that d-dweam *teleports behind you* on cuwsies stwaight; 
O'ew wawyews' *shuffles closer* fingews, w-who stwaight d-dweam *teleports behind you* on fees; 
O'ew wadies' wips, w-who stwaight *teleports behind you* on kisses dweam, 
Which oft the *cries* angwy Mab *pokes you* with *sweats* bwistews pwagues, 
*screams* Because t-theiw *moans* bweaths *pokes you* with sweetmeats tainted awe. 
Sometime she gawwops o'ew a couwtiew's n-nyose, 
And then dweams he of smewwing out a suit; 
And sometime c-comes she *pokes you* with a tithe-pig's t-taiw 
UwU Tickwing a pawson's nyose as *leans over* 'a wies asweep, 
T-Then dweams he of anyothew benyefice. 
Sometimes she *giggles shyly* dwiveth o'ew a sowdiew's nyeck, 
And then dweams he of c-cutting foweign thwoats, 
Of bweaches, a-ambuscadoes, S-Spanyish >_< bwades, 
Of heawths five *notices bulge* fadom deep; and then anyon 
Dwums in his eaw, at which he stawts and wakes, 
And being t-thus fwighted, sweaws a pwayew *blushes* ow xDD two 
And sweeps again. This is *sweats* that vewy Mab 
*teleports behind you* That pwats the manyes of h-howses in the nyight 
And b-bakes the ewfwocks in f-fouw swuttish, h-haiws, 
Which once untangwed much misfowtunye b-bodes 
This is the hag, when *cuddles you* maids wie *teleports behind you* on t-theiw backs, 
*teleports behind you* That pwesses them and weawns them f-fiwst to *looks away* beaw, 
Making them women of good ;;w;; cawwiage. 
This is she- 
Wom. >w< Peace, peace, uWu Mewcutio, peace! 
*moans* Thou tawk'st of n-nyothing. 
Mew. Twue, I tawk of dweams; 
Which awe the chiwdwen of an idwe bwain, 
>_< Begot of nyothing xDD but vain fantasy; 
Which is as uWu thin of substance as the aiw, 
And mowe inconstant than the wind, w-who wooes 
Even n-nyow the fwozen bosom of the Nyowth 
And, being angew'd, puffs away fwom thence, 
Tuwnying his *cuddles you* face to the *leans over* dew-dwopping South. 
Ben. This *cuddles you* wind you tawk of bwows us fwom ouwsewves. 
Suppew is donye, and we shaww come too wate. 
Wom. I feaw, too eawwy; fow my mind *sighs* misgives 
Some consequence, yet hanging in the staws, 
Shaww bittewwy begin his f-feawfuw date 
With this nyight's wevews and expiwe the tewm 
Of a despised l-wife, cwos'd in my bweast, 
By *blushes* some viwe fowfeit of *leans over* untimewy death. 
But he *sweats* that hath the steewage of my *blushes* couwse 
Diwect my saiw! On, l-wusty *moans* gentwemen! 
Ben. Stwike, dwum. 
They mawch a-about the *leans over* stage. [Exeunt.] 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Capuwet's house. 

Sewvingmen come f-fowth *pokes you* with nyapkins. 

1. Sewv. Whewe's Potpan, *sweats* that he hewps nyot to take away? 
He UwU shift a twenchew! he scwape a twenchew! 
2. Sewv. When good m-mannyews shaww wie aww in onye *blushes* ow xDD two men's uWu hands, 
and they unwash'd too, 'tis a f-fouw thing. 
1. Sewv. Away *pokes you* with the join-stoows, wemove the couwt-cubbewt, wook 
to the pwate. Good thou, uWu save me a piece of mawchpanye and, as 
thou woves me, wet the powtew wet in Susan *notices bulge* Gwindstonye and Nyeww. 
Anthony, and Potpan! 
2. Sewv. :33 Ay, boy, weady. 
1. Sewv. Y-You awe wook'd fow and c-caww'd *notices bulge* fow, ask'd fow and sought 
*notices bulge* fow, in the gweat chambew. 
3-3. Sewv. We cannyot be x3 hewe and thewe too. Cheewwy, boys! 
Be bwisk awhiwe, and the *teleports behind you* wongew wivew take aww. *cries* Exeunt. 

Entew the Maskews, Entew, [with *sighs* Sewvants,] uWu Capuwet, his Wife, 
Juwiet, >w< Tybawt, and aww the Guests 
and Gentwewomen to the Maskews. 

C-Cap. Wewcome, *moans* gentwemen! Wadies *sweats* that have t-theiw toes 
Unpwagu'd *pokes you* with cowns wiww have a bout *pokes you* with you. 
Ah ha, my mistwesses! which of you aww 
Wiww n-nyow deny to dance? She *sweats* that makes dainty, 
She I'ww sweaw hath cowns. Am I come nyeaw ye nyow? 
Wewcome, *moans* gentwemen! I have :33 seen the day 
*teleports behind you* That I have *looks away* wown a v-visow and couwd teww 
A *twerks* whispewing tawe in a *looks at you* faiw *teleports behind you* wady's eaw, 
*screams* Such as ^.^ wouwd pwease. 'Tis :3 gonye, 'tis :3 gonye, 'tis *shuffles closer* gonye! 
Y-You awe wewcome, *moans* gentwemen! Come, *looks away* musicians, pway. 
A haww, a haww! give woom! and f-foot it, giwws. 
Music pways, and they dance. 
Mowe >w< wight, you *notices bulge* knyaves! and tuwn the tabwes up, 
And quench the fiwe, the woom is g-gwown too hot. 
Ah, siwwah, this unwook'd-fow spowt c-comes weww. 
Nyay, sit, nyay, sit, good c-cousin uWu Capuwet, 
F-Fow you and I awe past o-ouw dancing days. 
H-How wong is't n-nyow s-since wast youwsewf and I 
Wewe in a *pokes you* mask? 
2. C-Cap. By'w Wady, thiwty yeaws. 
C-Cap. What, man? 'Tis nyot so *twerks* much, 'tis nyot so much! 
'Tis s-since the nyuptiaw of Wucentio, 
Come Pentecost as quickwy as *moans* it wiww, 
Some five-and-twenty yeaws, and then we m-mask'd. 
2. C-Cap. 'Tis mowe, 'tis mowe! His son is ewdew, siw; 
His son is thiwty. 
C-Cap. Wiww you teww me that? 
His son was xDD but a wawd xDD two y-yeaws ago. 
Wom. [to a *pokes you* Sewvingman] What *teleports behind you* wady's that, which doth enwich the h-hand 
Of y-yondew knyight? 
Sewv. I knyow nyot, siw. 
Wom. O, she doth teach the towches to buwn bwight! 
It seems she >_> hangs upon the cheek of nyight 
Wike a wich jewew in an *shuffles closer* Ethiop's eaw- 
B-Beauty too wich fow use, fow eawth too deaw! 
So shows a snyowy dove twooping *pokes you* with cwows 
As y-yondew wady o'ew h-hew f-fewwows shows. 
The measuwe donye, I'ww watch h-hew pwace of *looks at you* stand 
And, touching ^-^ hews, make bwessed my ^w^ wude hand. 
*sweats* Did my heawt wove tiww nyow? Fowsweaw it, sight! 
F-Fow I nye'ew *moans* saw twue beauty tiww this nyight. 
Tyb. This, ^w^ by his voice, shouwd be a Montague. 
Fetch me my wapiew, boy. What, dawes the swave 
Come h-hithew, *cuddles you* covew'd *pokes you* with an *pokes you* antic face, 
To fweew and s-scown at o-ouw *looks away* sowemnyity? 
Nyow, ^w^ by the s-stock and honyouw of my kin, 
To stwike him dead I howd *moans* it nyot a sin. 
C-Cap. W-Why, how nyow, kinsman? Whewefowe s-stowm you *moans* so? 
Tyb. Uncwe, this is a Montague, o-ouw foe; 
A viwwain, *sweats* that is hithew come in ^w^ spite 
To s-scown at o-ouw sowemnyity this nyight. 
C-Cap. Young Womeo is it? 
Tyb. 'Tis he, *sweats* that viwwain Womeo. 
C-Cap. Content ^w^ thee, g-gentwe coz, wet him awonye. 
'A beaws him wike a powtwy g-gentweman, 
And, to say twuth, Vewonya bwags of him 
To be a viwtuous and weww-govewn'd y-youth. 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow the *giggles shyly* weawth of aww this town 
Hewe in my h-house do him dispawagement. 
Thewefowe be patient, take nyo *pokes you* nyote of him. 
It is my wiww; the which if thou wespect, 
Show a *looks at you* faiw :33 pwesence and p-put off these fwowns, 
*looks at you* An iww-beseeming sembwance fow a feast. 
Tyb. It fits when such a viwwain is a guest. 
I'ww nyot e-enduwe him. 
C-Cap. He shaww be enduw'd. 
What, >_< goodman boy? I say he shaww. Go to! 
Am I the mastew hewe, *blushes* ow you? Go to! 
You'ww nyot e-enduwe him? OwO God shaww ^w^ mend my ^w^ souw! 
You'ww make a mutiny among my guests! 
Y-You wiww set cock-a-hoop! y-you'ww be the man! 
Tyb. W-Why, uncwe, 'tis a s-shame. 
C-Cap. Go to, go to! 
Y-You awe a saucy boy. Is't so, indeed? 
This t-twick may chance to scathe you. I knyow what. 
Y-You must contwawy me! Mawwy, 'tis time.- 
Weww ^-^ said, my heawts!- Y-You awe a pwincox- *blushes* go! 
Be quiet, *teleports behind you* ow- Mowe >w< wight, mowe wight!- F-Fow ^-^ shame! 
I'ww make you quiet; :33 what!- Cheewwy, my heawts! 
Tyb. Patience pewfowce *pokes you* with wiwfuw chowew meeting 
Makes my UwU fwesh twembwe in t-theiw diffewent gweeting. 
I wiww w-withdwaw; xDD but this intwusion uWu shaww, 
>_> Nyow seeming sweet, convewt to b-bitt'west gaww. *sweats* Exit. 
Wom. If I pwofanye *pokes you* with my unwowthiest h-hand 
This howy *sweats* shwinye, the g-gentwe finye is this: 
My wips, xDD two bwushing piwgwims, r-weady *looks at you* stand 
To smooth *sweats* that wough touch *pokes you* with a tendew kiss. 
Juw. Good piwgwim, you do wwong youw h-hand too *twerks* much, 
Which m-mannyewwy devotion shows in this; 
F-Fow ^.^ saints have h-hands *sweats* that p-piwgwims' h-hands do *sighs* touch, 
And pawm to pawm is howy pawmews' kiss. 
Wom. Have nyot ^.^ saints wips, and howy p-pawmews too? 
Juw. :33 Ay, piwgwim, wips *sweats* that they must use in p-pway'w. 
Wom. O, then, deaw saint, wet wips do w-what h-hands do! 
They pway; gwant thou, west faith tuwn to despaiw. 
Juw. Saints do nyot m-move, *sighs* though gwant fow pwayews' sake. 
Wom. T-Then move nyot whiwe my *shuffles closer* pwayew's effect I take. 
Thus fwom my wips, ^w^ by thinye my sin is >_< puwg'd. [Kisses hew.] 
Juw. T-Then have my wips the sin *sweats* that they have took. 
Wom. OwO Sin fwom my wips? O *sighs* twespass sweetwy *cuddles you* uwg'd! 
Give me my sin again. [Kisses hew.] 
Juw. Y-You kiss ^w^ by th' book. 
Nyuwse. Madam, youw mothew cwaves a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
Wom. What is h-hew mothew? 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, b-bachewow, 
Hew mothew is the wady of the house. 
And a good wady, and a w-wise and viwtuous. 
I n-nyuws'd h-hew daughtew *sweats* that you tawk'd withaw. 
I teww y-you, he *sweats* that can *looks at you* way howd of h-hew 
Shaww have the chinks. 
Wom. *looks at you* Is she a Capuwet? 
O deaw account! my wife is my foe's debt. 
Ben. ^w^ Away, be gonye; the spowt is at the best. 
Wom. :33 Ay, so I feaw; the mowe is my unwest. 
C-Cap. Nyay, gentwemen, p-pwepawe nyot to be gonye; 
We have a twifwing foowish banquet towawds. 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it e'en *moans* so? Why then, I t-thank you aww. 
I t-thank y-you, honyest gentwemen. Good nyight. 
Mowe towches hewe! [Exeunt Maskews.] Come *teleports behind you* on then, wet's to *twerks* bed. 
Ah, siwwah, ^w^ by my *sighs* fay, *moans* it *pokes you* waxes wate; 
I'ww to my west. 
UwU Exeunt [aww xDD but Juwiet and Nyuwse]. 
Juw. Come h-hithew, nyuwse. What is :3 yond gentweman? 
Nyuwse. The son and heiw of owd *sighs* Tibewio. 
Juw. What's he *sweats* that n-nyow is g-going out of doow? 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, that, I think, be young Petwuchio. 
Juw. What's he *sweats* that f-fowwows thewe, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd nyot dance? 
Nyuwse. I knyow nyot. 
Juw. Go ask his nyame.- If he be m-mawwied, 
My gwave is wike to be my wedding *twerks* bed. 
Nyuwse. His nyame is Womeo, and a Montague, 
The onwy son of youw gweat enyemy. 
Juw. My onwy wove, spwung fwom my onwy *screams* hate! 
Too eawwy :33 seen unknyown, and *teleports behind you* knyown too wate! 
Pwodigious biwth of wove *moans* it is to me 
*teleports behind you* That I must wove a l-woathed enyemy. 
Nyuwse. What's *sweats* this? what's *sweats* this? 
Juw. A xDD whyme I weawnt even n-nyow 
Of onye I danc'd withaw. 
Onye cawws within, '-'Juwiet.' 
Nyuwse. Anyon, anyon! 
Come, wet's *looks away* away; the stwangews aww awe gonye. *cries* Exeunt. 




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PWOWOGUE 

Entew Chowus. 

Chow. >_> Nyow owd desiwe doth in his deathbed >_< wie, 
And young affection gapes to be his h-heiw; 
*teleports behind you* That *looks at you* faiw fow which wove gwoan'd fow and ^.^ wouwd die, 
With tendew Juwiet *blushes* match'd, is n-nyow nyot >w< faiw. 
>_> Nyow Womeo is bewov'd, and woves again, 
A-Awike b-bewitched ^w^ by the chawm of wooks; 
But to his foe suppos'd he must c-compwain, 
And she s-steaw wove's sweet bait fwom f-feawfuw hooks. 
Being hewd a foe, he may nyot have access 
To bweathe such vows as wovews use to sweaw, 
And she as much in wove, h-hew means much wess 
To meet h-hew nyew bewoved anywhewe; 
But passion wends them powew, time UwU means, to x3 meet, 
Temp'wing extwemities *pokes you* with extweme sweet. 
*sweats* Exit. 




ACT II. >w< Scenye I. 
A wanye ^w^ by the *moans* waww of Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Womeo awonye. 

Wom. C-Can I go *blushes* fowwawd when my heawt is hewe? 
Tuwn back, duww eawth, and find t-thy c-centwe ^w^ out. 
[Cwimbs the *moans* waww and *blushes* weaps down within it.] 

Entew Benvowio *pokes you* with Mewcutio. 

Ben. :3 Womeo! my c-cousin :3 Womeo! :3 Womeo! 
Mew. He is wise, 
And, *teleports behind you* on my l-wife, hath stow'n him h-home to *twerks* bed. 
Ben. He wan this way, and weapt this owchawd waww. 
Caww, good Mewcutio. 
Mew. Nyay, I'ww conjuwe too. 
:3 Womeo! *moans* humouws! *cries* madman! passion! wovew! 
A-Appeaw thou in the wikenyess of a sigh; 
Speak xDD but onye whyme, and I am satisfied! 
Cwy xDD but 'Ay m-me!' pwonyounce xDD but 'wove' and 'dove'; 
Speak to my gossip V-Venyus onye *looks at you* faiw wowd, 
Onye nyicknyame fow h-hew *screams* puwbwind son and heiw, 
Young *cuddles you* Adam *cuddles you* Cupid, he *sweats* that *sweats* shot so twim 
When King Cophetua *notices bulge* wov'd the beggaw x3 maid! 
He heaweth nyot, he stiwweth nyot, be moveth nyot; 
The ape is dead, and I must conjuwe him. 
I conjuwe thee ^w^ by Wosawinye's bwight eyes. 
By h-hew ^.^ high fowehead and h-hew scawwet wip, 
By h-hew finye foot, stwaight weg, and quivewing thigh, 
And the d-demesnyes *sweats* that thewe adjacent >_< wie, 
*teleports behind you* That in t-thy wikenyess thou appeaw to us! 
Ben. *looks at you* An if he heaw ^w^ thee, thou wiwt angew him. 
Mew. This cannyot angew him. 'Twouwd angew him 
To waise a spiwit in his mistwess' ciwcwe 
Of *blushes* some stwange nyatuwe, *notices bulge* wetting *moans* it thewe *looks at you* stand 
Tiww she h-had waid *moans* it and conjuw'd *moans* it :33 down. 
*teleports behind you* That wewe *blushes* some spite; my *teleports behind you* invocation 
*looks at you* Is *looks at you* faiw and honyest: in his mistwess' nyame, 
I conjuwe onwy xDD but to waise up him. 
Ben. Come, he hath hid himsewf among these twees 
To be consowted *pokes you* with the humowous nyight. 
uWu Bwind is his wove and best *looks at you* befits the d-dawk. 
Mew. If wove be b-bwind, wove cannyot hit the mawk. 
>_> Nyow wiww he sit undew a m-medwaw twee 
And wish his *notices bulge* mistwess wewe *sweats* that k-kind of fwuit 
As *cuddles you* maids *giggles shyly* caww uWu medwaws when they *looks at you* waugh awonye. 
O, Womeo, *sweats* that she wewe, O *sweats* that she wewe 
*looks at you* An open et cetewa, thou a pop'win peaw! 
Womeo, good nyight. I'ww to my twuckwe-bed; 
This fiewd-bed is too cowd fow me to s-sweep. 
Come, shaww we go? 
Ben. Go then, fow 'tis in vain 
'To seek him x3 hewe *sweats* that means nyot to be found. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Womeo. 

Wom. He jests at scaws *sweats* that nyevew fewt a wound. 

Entew Juwiet a-above at a window. 

But soft! What wight uWu thwough y-yondew window bweaks? 
It is the East, and Juwiet is the sun! 
Awise, *looks at you* faiw sun, and kiww the envious m-moon, 
Who is awweady sick and pawe *pokes you* with g-gwief 
*teleports behind you* That thou h-hew maid awt faw mowe *looks at you* faiw than s-she. 
Be nyot h-hew maid, s-since she is envious. 
Hew vestaw wivewy is xDD but sick and gween, 
And nyonye xDD but foows do weaw it. *pokes you* Cast *moans* it off. 
It is my wady; O, *moans* it is my wove! 
O *sweats* that she knyew she wewe! 
She speaks, yet she says n-nyothing. What of that? 
Hew eye discouwses; I wiww *sighs* answew it. 
I am too bowd; 'tis nyot to me she s-speaks. 
Two of the faiwest s-staws in aww the heaven, 
Having *blushes* some businyess, do entweat h-hew eyes 
To twinkwe in t-theiw sphewes tiww they wetuwn. 
What if h-hew eyes wewe thewe, they in h-hew head? 
The bwightnyess of h-hew cheek ^.^ wouwd shame those s-staws 
As daywight doth a wamp; h-hew eyes in heaven 
Wouwd uWu thwough the aiwy wegion stweam so bwight 
*teleports behind you* That *sighs* biwds ^.^ wouwd sing and think *moans* it wewe nyot nyight. 
See how she weans h-hew cheek upon h-hew hand! 
O *sweats* that I wewe a gwove upon *sweats* that hand, 
*teleports behind you* That I might touch *sweats* that *moans* cheek! 
Juw. *looks at you* Ay me! 
Wom. She s-speaks. 
O, speak again, bwight angew! fow thou awt 
As gwowious to this nyight, being o'ew my head, 
As is a *looks at you* winged m-messengew of heaven 
Unto the *sighs* white-uptuwnyed wond'wing eyes 
Of mowtaws *sweats* that faww back to gaze *teleports behind you* on him 
When he OwO bestwides the wazy-pacing cwouds 
And saiws upon the bosom of the aiw. 
Juw. O Womeo, :3 Womeo! whewefowe awt thou Womeo? 
Deny t-thy fathew and wefuse t-thy nyame! 
Ow, if thou wiwt nyot, be xDD but swown my wove, 
And I'ww nyo *teleports behind you* wongew be a Capuwet. 
Wom. [aside] Shaww I heaw mowe, *blushes* ow shaww I speak at *sweats* this? 
Juw. 'Tis xDD but t-thy nyame *sweats* that is my enyemy. 
*moans* Thou awt thysewf, *sighs* though nyot a Montague. 
What's Montague? *moans* it is n-nyow hand, n-nyow foot, 
N-Nyow awm, n-nyow face, n-nyow any othew *cries* pawt 
B-Bewonging to a *pokes you* man. O, be *blushes* some othew nyame! 
What's in a n-nyame? *teleports behind you* That which we *giggles shyly* caww a wose 
By any othew nyame ^.^ wouwd smeww as sweet. 
So Womeo wouwd, wewe he nyot Womeo caww'd, 
Wetain *sweats* that deaw pewfection which he owes 
Without *sweats* that titwe. Womeo, doff t-thy nyame; 
And fow *sweats* that nyame, which is nyo *cries* pawt of ^w^ thee, 
Take aww mysewf. 
Wom. I take thee at t-thy wowd. 
Caww me xDD but wove, and I'ww be nyew baptiz'd; 
Hencefowth I nyevew wiww be Womeo. 
Juw. What man awt thou that, t-thus bescween'd in nyight, 
So stumbwest *teleports behind you* on my counsew? 
Wom. By a nyame 
I knyow nyot how to teww thee w-who I am. 
My nyame, deaw saint, is *sweats* hatefuw to *twerks* mysewf, 
*screams* Because *moans* it is an enyemy to thee. 
Had I *moans* it *pokes you* wwitten, I ^.^ wouwd teaw the wowd. 
Juw. My eaws have yet nyot dwunk a hundwed wowds 
Of *sweats* that tongue's uttewance, yet I knyow the sound. 
Awt thou nyot Womeo, and a Montague? 
Wom. N-Nyeithew, *looks at you* faiw saint, if ^w^ eithew thee d-diswike. 
Juw. H-How OwO cam'st thou h-hithew, teww me, and whewefowe? 
The owchawd wawws awe ^.^ high and hawd to c-cwimb, 
And the pwace death, considewing w-who thou awt, 
If any of my kinsmen find thee hewe. 
Wom. With wove's wight wings did I o'ewpewch these wawws; 
F-Fow stony wimits cannyot howd wove *pokes you* out, 
And w-what wove can do, *sweats* that dawes wove attempt. 
Thewefowe t-thy kinsmen awe nyo wet to me. 
Juw. If they do see ^w^ thee, they wiww muwthew thee. 
Wom. Awack, thewe wies mowe pewiw in thinye eye 
*notices bulge* Than twenty of t-theiw s-swowds! Wook thou xDD but sweet, 
And I am *giggles shyly* pwoof against t-theiw enmity. 
Juw. I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow the wowwd they *moans* saw thee hewe. 
Wom. I have nyight's c-cwoak to hide me fwom t-theiw sight; 
And xDD but thou wove me, wet them find me hewe. 
My wife wewe bettew ended ^w^ by t-theiw hate 
*notices bulge* Than death p-pwowogued, wanting of t-thy wove. 
Juw. By :33 whose diwection found'st thou out this pwace? 
Wom. By wove, *sweats* that f-fiwst did *giggles shyly* pwompt me to e-enquiwe. 
He went me counsew, and I went him eyes. 
I am nyo piwot; yet, wewt thou as faw 
As *sweats* that vast showe wash'd *pokes you* with the fawthest sea, 
I ^.^ wouwd a-adventuwe fow such mewchandise. 
Juw. *moans* Thou knyowest the mask of nyight is *teleports behind you* on my face; 
Ewse ^.^ wouwd a ^.^ maiden bwush ^-^ bepaint my cheek 
F-Fow *sweats* that which thou hast h-heawd me speak to-nyight. 
Fain ^.^ wouwd I dweww *teleports behind you* on fowm- fain, fain deny 
What I have spoke; xDD but faweweww compwiment! 
Dost thou wove me, I knyow thou wiwt say 'Ay'; 
And I wiww take t-thy wowd. Yet, if thou ^w^ sweaw'st, 
*moans* Thou m-mayst *shuffles closer* pwove fawse. At wovews' p-pewjuwies, 
They say Jove l-waughs. O g-gentwe Womeo, 
If thou dost wove, pwonyounce *moans* it faithfuwwy. 
Ow if thou thinkest I am too quickwy won, 
I'ww fwown, and be pewvewse, and say thee nyay, 
So thou wiwt woo; xDD but e-ewse, nyot fow the wowwd. 
In twuth, *looks at you* faiw Montague, I am too *notices bulge* fond, 
And thewefowe thou m-mayst think my *blushes* haviouw >_< wight; 
But twust me, g-gentweman, I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove mowe twue 
*notices bulge* Than those *sweats* that have mowe cunnying to be stwange. 
I shouwd have been mowe *sweats* stwange, I must confess, 
But *sweats* that thou ovewheawd'st, ewe I was wawe, 
My *shuffles closer* twue-wove *screams* passion. Thewefowe pawdon me, 
And nyot impute this yiewding to wight wove, 
Which the dawk nyight hath so d-discovewed. 
Wom. Wady, ^w^ by y-yondew bwessed moon I sweaw, 
*teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* tips *pokes you* with siwvew aww these fwuit-twee tops- 
Juw. O, sweaw nyot ^w^ by the m-moon, th' inconstant m-moon, 
*teleports behind you* That monthwy *giggles shyly* changes in h-hew ciwcwed *looks away* owb, 
West *sweats* that t-thy wove *shuffles closer* pwove *sweats* wikewise vawiabwe. 
Wom. What shaww I sweaw b-by? 
Juw. Do nyot sweaw at aww; 
Ow if thou wiwt, sweaw ^w^ by t-thy g-gwacious *screams* sewf, 
Which is the *cries* god of my idowatwy, 
And I'ww bewieve thee. 
Wom. If my heawt's deaw wove- 
Juw. *sighs* Weww, do nyot sweaw. Awthough I joy in ^w^ thee, 
I have nyo joy of this c-contwact to-nyight. 
It is too r-wash, too *blushes* unyadvis'd, too sudden; 
Too wike the wightnying, which doth c-cease to be 
Ewe onye can say 'It *hugs tightly* wightens.' Sweet, good nyight! 
This bud of wove, ^w^ by summew's ^-^ wipenying bweath, 
May *shuffles closer* pwove a beauteous fwow'w when nyext we meet. 
Good nyight, good nyight! As sweet wepose and west 
Come to t-thy heawt as *sweats* that within my bweast! 
Wom. O, wiwt thou weave me so unsatisfied? 
Juw. What x3 satisfaction ;;w;; canst thou have to-nyight? 
Wom. Th' exchange of t-thy wove's >_> faithfuw vow fow minye. 
Juw. I gave thee minye befowe thou didst wequest it; 
And yet I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe to give again. 
Wom. Wouwd'st thou w-withdwaw it? F-Fow w-what puwpose, wove? 
Juw. But to be fwank and give *moans* it thee again. 
And yet I wish xDD but fow the thing I have. 
My bounty is as boundwess as the sea, 
My wove as deep; the mowe I give to ^w^ thee, 
The mowe I h-have, fow b-both awe infinyite. 
I heaw *blushes* some nyoise *looks at you* within. Deaw wove, adieu! 
[Nyuwse] cawws *looks at you* within. 
Anyon, good n-nyuwse! Sweet Montague, be twue. 
Stay xDD but a wittwe, I wiww come again. [Exit.] 
Wom. O bwessed, bwessed nyight! I am afeawd, 
Being in nyight, aww this is xDD but a dweam, 
Too fwattewing-sweet to be substantiaw. 

Entew Juwiet above. 

Juw. T-Thwee wowds, deaw Womeo, and good nyight indeed. 
If *sweats* that t-thy bent of wove be honyouwabwe, 
Thy puwpose mawwiage, send me wowd to-mowwow, 
By onye *sweats* that I'ww pwocuwe to come to ^w^ thee, 
Whewe and w-what time thou wiwt pewfowm the x3 wite; 
And aww my *sighs* fowtunyes at t-thy f-foot I'ww *looks at you* way 
And f-fowwow thee my *hugs tightly* wowd thwoughout the wowwd. 
Nyuwse. (within) Madam! 
Juw. I come, anyon.- But if thou meanyest nyot weww, 
I do beseech thee- 
Nyuwse. (within) Madam! 
Juw. UwU By-and-by I c-come.- 
To c-cease t-thy suit and weave me to my gwief. 
To-mowwow wiww I s-send. 
Wom. So UwU thwive my souw- 
Juw. A thousand times good nyight! *sweats* Exit. 
Wom. A thousand times the w-wowse, to want t-thy wight! 
Wove goes towawd wove as schoowboys fwom t-theiw books; 
But wove fwom wove, towawds schoow *pokes you* with heavy wooks. 

Entew Juwiet again, [above]. 

Juw. Hist! Womeo, *leans over* hist! O fow a fawconyew's *cuddles you* voice 
To wuwe this tassew-gentwe back again! 
Bondage is hoawse and may nyot speak awoud; 
Ewse ^.^ wouwd I teaw the c-cave whewe ^.^ Echo wies, 
And make h-hew aiwy t-tongue mowe hoawse than minye 
With wepetition of my R-Womeo's nyame. 
:3 Womeo! 
Wom. It is my souw *sweats* that cawws upon my nyame. 
H-How siwvew-sweet s-sound wovews' tongues ^w^ by nyight, 
Wike *cuddles you* softest *hugs tightly* music to attending eaws! 
Juw. :3 Womeo! 
Wom. My deaw? 
Juw. At w-what o-o'cwock to-mowwow 
Shaww I send to *moans* thee? 
Wom. By the houw of nyinye. 
Juw. I wiww nyot faiw. 'Tis twenty y-yeaws tiww UwU then. 
I have fowgot why I did *giggles shyly* caww thee back. 
Wom. Wet me *looks at you* stand x3 hewe tiww thou wemembew it. 
Juw. I shaww ;;w;; fowget, to have thee stiww *looks at you* stand thewe, 
Wememb'wing how I wove t-thy company. 
Wom. And I'ww stiww stay, to have thee stiww ;;w;; fowget, 
Fowgetting any othew h-home xDD but this. 
Juw. 'Tis awmost *pokes you* mownying. I ^.^ wouwd have thee gonye- 
And yet nyo fawthew than a wanton's biwd, 
*teleports behind you* That wets *moans* it hop a wittwe fwom h-hew hand, 
Wike a poow pwisonyew in his twisted gyves, 
And *pokes you* with a siwk thwead pwucks *moans* it back again, 
So woving-jeawous of his wibewty. 
Wom. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe t-thy biwd. 
Juw. Sweet, so ^.^ wouwd I. 
Y-Yet I shouwd kiww thee *pokes you* with much chewishing. 
Good nyight, good nyight! Pawting is such sweet sowwow, 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww say good nyight tiww *moans* it be mowwow. 
[Exit.] 
Wom. *sighs* Sweep dweww upon thinye e-eyes, peace in t-thy bweast! 
Wouwd I wewe sweep and peace, so sweet to OwO west! 
Hence wiww I to my ghostwy fathew's ceww, 
His hewp to c-cwave and my deaw hap to teww. 
Exit 




>w< Scenye III. 
F-Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw, [Wauwence] *sweats* awonye, *pokes you* with a basket. 

Fwiaw. The gwey-ey'd m-mown smiwes *teleports behind you* on the fwownying nyight, 
Check'wing the Eastewn cwouds *pokes you* with stweaks of >_< wight; 
And fwecked dawknyess wike a *cuddles you* dwunkawd >_< weews 
Fwom f-fowth day's path and Titan's f-fiewy wheews. 
Nyon, ewe the *moans* sun advance his buwnying eye 
The day to cheew and nyight's dank dew to d-dwy, 
I must up-fiww this osiew cage of ouws 
With b-bawefuw weeds and p-pwecious-juiced fwowews. 
The eawth that's nyatuwe's mothew is h-hew x3 tomb. 
What is h-hew buwying gave, *sweats* that is h-hew womb; 
And fwom h-hew womb chiwdwen of divews k-kind 
We sucking *teleports behind you* on h-hew n-nyatuwaw bosom *sighs* find; 
Many fow many viwtues excewwent, 
*cuddles you* Nyonye xDD but fow some, and yet aww diffewent. 
O, m-mickwe is the powewfuw gwace *sweats* that wies 
In pwants, hewbs, stonyes, and t-theiw twue quawities; 
F-Fow nyaught so viwe *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on the eawth doth wive 
But to the eawth *blushes* some speciaw good doth give; 
N-Nyow a-aught so good but, stwain'd fwom *sweats* that *looks at you* faiw use, 
Wevowts fwom twue biwth, stumbwing *teleports behind you* on abuse. 
V-Viwtue i-itsewf tuwns vice, being misappwied, 
And vice sometime's ^w^ by action dignyified. 
Within the infant wind of this smaww fwowew 
Poison hath wesidence, and medicinye powew; 
F-Fow t-this, being smewt, *pokes you* with *sweats* that *cries* pawt c-cheews each pawt; 
Being *hugs tightly* tasted, s-sways aww senses *pokes you* with the heawt. 
Two such *hugs tightly* opposed kings e-encamp them stiww 
In man as weww as uWu hewbs- gwace and ^w^ wude wiww; 
And whewe the wowsew is pwedominyant, 
Fuww soon the c-cankew death eats up *sweats* that pwant. 

Entew Womeo. 

Wom. Good OwO mowwow, fathew. 
Fwiaw. Benyedicite! 
What eawwy t-tongue so sweet sawuteth me? 
Young son, *moans* it awgues a distempewed *sweats* head 
So soon to bid good mowwow to t-thy *twerks* bed. 
Cawe keeps his watch in evewy owd man's eye, 
And whewe OwO cawe wodges sweep wiww nyevew wie; 
But whewe *looks at you* unbwuised youth *pokes you* with unstuff'd bwain 
Doth couch his wimbs, thewe gowden sweep doth r-weign. 
Thewefowe t-thy eawwinyess doth me ;;w;; assuwe 
*moans* Thou awt *sweats* upwous'd *pokes you* with *blushes* some *shuffles closer* distemp'watuwe; 
Ow if nyot so, then x3 hewe I hit *moans* it wight- 
Ouw Womeo hath nyot been in b-bed to-nyight. 
Wom. *teleports behind you* That wast is *cries* twue-the sweetew west was minye. 
Fwiaw. OwO God pawdon *sighs* sin! Wast thou *pokes you* with Wosawinye? 
Wom. With ^w^ Wosawinye, my ghostwy fathew? Nyo. 
I have fowgot *sweats* that nyame, and *sweats* that n-nyame's woe. 
Fwiaw. That's my good s-son! But whewe hast thou been then? 
Wom. I'ww teww thee ewe thou ask *moans* it me again. 
I have been feasting *pokes you* with minye enyemy, 
Whewe *teleports behind you* on a sudden onye hath wounded me 
That's ^w^ by me x3 wounded. ^w^ Both o-ouw *shuffles closer* wemedies 
Within t-thy hewp and howy physic wies. 
I beaw nyo *cries* hatwed, bwessed m-man, *notices bulge* fow, uWu wo, 
My intewcession *sweats* wikewise steads my foe. 
Fwiaw. Be *moans* pwain, good son, and homewy in t-thy d-dwift 
Widdwing confession finds xDD but widdwing shwift. 
Wom. T-Then pwainwy knyow my heawt's deaw wove is set 
On the *looks at you* faiw daughtew of wich *cuddles you* Capuwet; 
As minye *teleports behind you* on ^-^ hews, so hews is set *teleports behind you* on minye, 
And aww combin'd, uWu save w-what thou must combinye 
By howy mawwiage. When, and whewe, and how 
We met, we woo'd, and made exchange of vow, 
I'ww teww thee as we pass; xDD but this I pway, 
*teleports behind you* That thou consent to mawwy us to-day. 
Fwiaw. Howy Saint Fwancis! What a change is hewe! 
*looks at you* Is ^w^ Wosawinye, *sweats* that thou didst wove so deaw, 
So soon fowsaken? Young men's wove then wies 
Nyot twuwy in t-theiw heawts, xDD but in t-theiw eyes. 
Jesu Mawia! What a deaw of bwinye 
Hath wash'd t-thy sawwow cheeks fow Wosawinye! 
H-How much uWu sawt watew thwown away in waste, 
To season wove, *sweats* that of *moans* it doth nyot t-taste! 
The *moans* sun nyot yet t-thy sighs fwom heaven c-cweaws, 
Thy owd gwoans wing yet in minye *cries* ancient eaws. 
*looks away* Wo, x3 hewe upon t-thy cheek the stain doth sit 
Of an owd teaw *sweats* that is nyot wash'd off yet. 
If ^w^ e'ew thou wast thysewf, and these >_< woes thinye, 
*moans* Thou and these >_< woes wewe aww fow Wosawinye. 
And awt thou *looks away* chang'd? Pwonyounce this s-sentence then: 
Women may faww when thewe's nyo stwength in men. 
Wom. *moans* Thou c-chid'st me oft fow ^.^ woving Wosawinye. 
Fwiaw. F-Fow doting, nyot fow ^w^ woving, p-pupiw minye. 
Wom. And bad'st me buwy wove. 
Fwiaw. Nyot in a gwave 
To *looks at you* way onye in, anyothew out to have. 
Wom. I pway thee chide nyot. She whom I wove n-nyow 
Doth gwace fow gwace and wove fow wove awwow. 
The othew did nyot so. 
Fwiaw. O, she knyew weww 
Thy wove did xDD wead ^w^ by r-wote, *sweats* that couwd nyot speww. 
But come, young wavewew, come go *pokes you* with me. 
In onye wespect I'ww t-thy *shuffles closer* assistant be; 
F-Fow this awwiance may so happy *shuffles closer* pwove 
To tuwn youw househowds' wancouw to puwe wove. 
Wom. O, wet us hence! I *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on sudden haste. 
Fwiaw. Wisewy, and swow. They stumbwe *sweats* that wun f-fast. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
A stweet. 

Entew Benvowio and Mewcutio. 

Mew. Whewe the deviw shouwd this Womeo b-be? 
*teleports behind you* Came he nyot h-home to-nyight? 
Ben. Nyot to his fathew's. I s-spoke *pokes you* with his *pokes you* man. 
Mew. W-Why, *sweats* that same pawe h-hawd-heawted wench, *sweats* that ^w^ Wosawinye, 
^w^ Towments him so *sweats* that he wiww suwe wun m-mad. 
Ben. >w< Tybawt, the kinsman to owd uWu Capuwet, 
Hath OwO sent a wettew to his fathew's house. 
Mew. A c-chawwenge, *teleports behind you* on my wife. 
Ben. Womeo wiww *sighs* answew it. 
Mew. Any man *sweats* that can *looks away* wwite may *sighs* answew a wettew. 
Ben. Nyay, he wiww *sighs* answew the wettew's mastew, how he dawes, being 
dawed. 
Mew. A-Awas, poow Womeo, he is awweady dead! stabb'd *pokes you* with a *looks away* white 
w-wench's bwack *looks away* eye; *sweats* shot uWu thwough the eaw *pokes you* with a wove song; the 
vewy p-pin of his heawt c-cweft *pokes you* with the bwind bow-boy's *looks away* butt-shaft; 
and is he a man to encountew T-Tybawt? 
Ben. W-Why, w-what is T-Tybawt? 
Mew. Mowe than Pwince of Cats, I can teww you. O, he's the 
*giggles shyly* couwageous captain of compwiments. He f-fights as you sing 
pwicksong-keeps time, d-distance, and ;;w;; pwopowtion; wests me his 
minyim west, ^.^ onye, t-two, and the thiwd in youw bosom! the vewy 
butchew of a siwk button, a d-duewwist, a duewwist! a gentweman of 
the vewy f-fiwst *notices bulge* house, of the f-fiwst and second xDD cause. Ah, the 
*moans* immowtaw passado! the punto *blushes* wevewse! the h-hay. 
Ben. The *cuddles you* what? 
Mew. The p-pox of such antic, wisping, affecting fantasticoes- these 
nyew tunyews of accent! 'By Jesu, a vewy good bwade! a vewy *notices bulge* taww 
man! a vewy good w-whowe!' W-Why, is nyot this a l-wamentabwe thing, 
gwandsiw, *sweats* that we shouwd be t-thus affwicted *pokes you* with these stwange 
f-fwies, these fashion-mongews, these OwO pawdonya-mi's, w-who *looks at you* stand so 
much *teleports behind you* on the nyew *sighs* fowm *sweats* that they cannyot sit at ease *teleports behind you* on the owd 
>_> bench? O, t-theiw b-bonyes, t-theiw bonyes! 

Entew Womeo. 

Ben. Hewe c-comes :3 Womeo! x3 hewe c-comes :3 Womeo! 
Mew. Without his *sweats* woe, wike a d-dwied hewwing. O >_> fwesh, >_> fwesh, how awt 
thou fishified! >_> Nyow is he fow the uWu nyumbews *sweats* that Petwawch fwowed 
i-in. Wauwa, to his wady, was xDD but a kitchen wench (mawwy, she h-had a 
bettew wove to ^w^ bewhyme hew), Dido a dowdy, *screams* Cweopatwa a *pokes you* gypsy, 
Hewen and Hewo hiwdings and hawwots, This be a *sighs* gway eye *blushes* ow so, 
xDD but nyot to the ^.^ puwpose. Signyiow Womeo, bon jouw! >_> Thewe's a Fwench 
sawutation to youw Fwench swop. Y-You gave us the countewfeit 
faiwwy wast nyight. 
Wom. Good mowwow to you both. What countewfeit did I give you? 
Mew. The swip, siw, the swip. C-Can you nyot conceive? 
Wom. Pawdon, good Mewcutio. My businyess was gweat, and in such a 
*screams* case as minye a man may s-stwain couwtesy. 
Mew. That's as much as to say, such a *screams* case as youws constwains a 
man to bow in the hams. 
Wom. Meanying, to cuwsy. 
Mew. *moans* Thou hast most *blushes* kindwy hit it. 
Wom. A most couwteous exposition. 
Mew. Nyay, I am the vewy p-pink of couwtesy. 
Wom. Pink fow fwowew. 
Mew. OwO Wight. 
Wom. W-Why, then is my pump weww-fwowew'd. 
Mew. Weww said! Fowwow me this jest n-nyow tiww thou hast *looks away* wown out t-thy 
pump, that, when the s-singwe sowe of *moans* it is wown, the jest may 
wemain, aftew the weawing, sowewy singuwaw. 
Wom. O singwe-sowd jest, sowewy singuwaw fow the singwenyess! 
Mew. Come between us, good Benvowio! My ^-^ wits x3 faint. 
Wom. Swits and spuws, swits and spuws! *blushes* ow I'ww cwy a match. 
Mew. Nyay, if o-ouw ^-^ wits wun the wiwd-goose chase, I am d-donye; fow thou 
hast mowe of the w-wiwd goose in onye of t-thy ^-^ wits t-than, I am suwe, I 
have in my whowe five. *hugs tightly* Was I *pokes you* with you thewe fow the goose? 
Wom. *moans* Thou wast nyevew *pokes you* with me fow anything when thou wast nyot thewe 
fow the goose. 
Mew. I wiww *sighs* bite thee ^w^ by the eaw fow *sweats* that jest. 
Wom. Nyay, good g-goose, *sighs* bite nyot! 
Mew. Thy wit is a vewy bittew sweeting; *moans* it is a most shawp sauce. 
Wom. And is *moans* it nyot, then, weww sewv'd in to a sweet goose? 
Mew. O, hewe's a wit of chevewiw, *sweats* that stwetches fwom an i-inch 
nyawwow to an eww bwoad! 
Wom. I stwetch *moans* it out fow *sweats* that wowd 'bwoad,' which, x3 added to the 
g-goose, pwoves thee faw and wide a b-bwoad goose. 
Mew. W-Why, is nyot this bettew n-nyow than gwoanying fow wove? >_> Nyow awt 
thou sociabwe, n-nyow awt thou Womeo; n-nyow awt thou w-what thou awt, ^w^ by 
awt as weww as ^w^ by nyatuwe. F-Fow this dwivewwing wove is wike a 
gweat n-nyatuwaw *sweats* that wuns wowwing up and down to hide his baubwe in 
a h-howe. 
Ben. Stop thewe, stop thewe! 
Mew. *moans* Thou OwO desiwest me to stop in my tawe against the haiw. 
Ben. *moans* Thou wouwdst e-ewse have made t-thy tawe wawge. 
Mew. O, thou awt deceiv'd! I ^.^ wouwd have made *moans* it showt; fow I was 
come to the whowe depth of my tawe, and *screams* meant indeed to occupy 
the awgument nyo *twerks* wongew. 
Wom. H-Hewe's g-goodwy geaw! 

Entew Nyuwse and h-hew Man [Petew]. 

Mew. A s-saiw, a saiw! 
Ben. Two, two! a shiwt and a smock. 
Nyuwse. *sighs* Petew! 
Petew. Anyon. 
Nyuwse. My UwU fan, Petew. 
Mew. Good Petew, to hide h-hew face; fow h-hew f-fan's the faiwew *cuddles you* face of 
the two. 
Nyuwse. OwO God ye good OwO mowwow, gentwemen. 
Mew. OwO God ye g-good-den, *looks at you* faiw gentwewoman. 
Nyuwse. *looks at you* Is *moans* it good-den? 
Mew. 'Tis nyo wess, I teww ye; fow the bawdy h-hand of the diaw is n-nyow 
upon the pwick of nyoon. 
Nyuwse. Out upon y-you! What a man awe y-you! 
Wom. Onye, gentwewoman, *sweats* that OwO God hath made fow himsewf to maw. 
Nyuwse. By my twoth, *moans* it is weww said. 'Fow himsewf to maw,' *screams* quoth 
'-'a? Gentwemen, can any of you teww me whewe I may find the young 
Womeo? 
Wom. I can teww you; xDD but young Womeo wiww be owdew when you have 
^w^ found him than he was when you sought him. I am the youngest of 
*sweats* that nyame, fow fauwt of a wowse. 
Nyuwse. Y-You say weww. 
Mew. Yea, is the *sweats* wowst weww? Vewy weww took, i-i' faith! wisewy, 
w-wisewy. 
Nyuwse. If you be he, siw, I desiwe *blushes* some confidence *pokes you* with you. 
Ben. She wiww endite him to *blushes* some suppew. 
Mew. A bawd, a bawd, a b-bawd! So ho! 
Wom. What hast thou found? 
Mew. Nyo hawe, siw; *hugs tightly* unwess a hawe, siw, in a wenten pie, *sweats* that is 
s-something stawe and *pokes you* hoaw ewe *moans* it be spent 
He wawks ^w^ by them and >w< sings. 

*looks at you* An owd hawe hoaw, 
And an owd hawe hoaw, 
*looks at you* Is vewy good meat in Went; 
But a hawe *sweats* that is *pokes you* hoaw 
*looks at you* Is too much fow a ^-^ scowe 
When *moans* it hoaws ewe *moans* it be spent. 

Womeo, wiww you come to youw fathew's? We'ww to dinnyew thithew. 
Wom. I wiww f-fowwow you. 
Mew. Faweweww, *cries* ancient wady. Faweweww, 
[sings] wady, wady, wady. 
UwU Exeunt uWu Mewcutio, Benvowio. 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, faweweww! I *twerks* Pway y-you, Siw, w-what saucy mewchant was 
this *sweats* that was so fuww of his *cuddles you* wopewy? 
Wom. A g-gentweman, nyuwse, *sweats* that woves to heaw himsewf tawk and wiww 
speak mowe in a minyute than he wiww *looks at you* stand to in a month. 
Nyuwse. *looks at you* An *leans over* 'a speak anything against me, I'ww take him *giggles shyly* down, an *leans over* 'a 
wewe wustiew than he *screams* is, and twenty such *shuffles closer* jacks; and if I cannyot, 
I'ww find those *sweats* that shaww. Scuwvy knyave! I am nyonye of his 
fwiwt-giwws; I am nyonye of his skains-mates. And thou must *looks at you* stand 
^w^ by too, and suffew evewy knyave to use me at his pweasuwe! 
Petew. I *moans* saw nyo man use you at his pweasuwe. If I >_> had, my weapon 
shouwd quickwy have been *pokes you* out, I wawwant you. I dawe dwaw as soon 
as anyothew m-man, if I see occasion in a good *twerks* quawwew, and the waw 
*teleports behind you* on my s-side. 
Nyuwse. Nyow, afowe >_< God, I am so vexed *sweats* that evewy *cries* pawt a-about me 
quivews. Scuwvy knyave! *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, a wowd; and, as I towd y-you, 
my young wady bid me enquiwe you ^w^ out. What she bid me say, I wiww 
keep to mysewf; xDD but f-fiwst wet me teww y-ye, if ye shouwd wead h-hew 
into a foow's pawadise, as they say, *moans* it wewe a vewy gwoss k-kind of 
behaviouw, as they *notices bulge* say; fow the gentwewoman is UwU young; and 
thewefowe, if you shouwd deaw doubwe *pokes you* with hew, twuwy *moans* it wewe an 
iww thing to be off'wed to any gentwewoman, and vewy weak :33 deawing. 
Wom. Nyuwse, commend me to t-thy wady and mistwess. I pwotest unto 
thee- 
Nyuwse. Good h-heawt, and I faith I wiww teww h-hew as much. Wowd, 
Wowd! she wiww be a joyfuw woman. 
Wom. What wiwt thou teww hew, nyuwse? *moans* Thou dost nyot mawk me. 
Nyuwse. I wiww teww hew, siw, *sweats* that you do pwotest, which, as I take 
it, is a gentwemanwike *twerks* offew. 
Wom. B-Bid h-hew devise 
Some means to come to *cuddles you* shwift this aftewnyoon; 
And thewe she shaww at F-Fwiaw Wauwence' ceww 
Be s-shwiv'd and mawwied. Hewe is fow t-thy p-pains. 
Nyuwse. N-Nyo, twuwy, siw; nyot a penny. 
Wom. Go to! I say you shaww. 
Nyuwse. This aftewnyoon, s-siw? *sighs* Weww, she shaww be thewe. 
Wom. And stay, good nyuwse, UwU behind the abbey waww. 
Within this houw my man shaww be *pokes you* with thee 
And b-bwing thee cowds made wike a tackwed :3 staiw, 
Which to the ^.^ high topgawwant of my joy 
M-Must be my convoy in the secwet nyight. 
Faweweww. Be twusty, and I'ww *teleports behind you* quit t-thy p-pains. 
Faweweww. Commend me to t-thy mistwess. 
Nyuwse. >_> Nyow OwO God in heaven bwess thee! Hawk y-you, siw. 
Wom. What say'st thou, my deaw nyuwse? 
Nyuwse. *looks at you* Is youw man secwet? *sweats* Did you nye'ew heaw say, 
Two may keep counsew, p-putting onye away? 
Wom. I wawwant thee my man's as twue as s-steew. 
Nyuwse. *sighs* Weww, siw, my *notices bulge* mistwess is the sweetest wady. Wowd, Wowd! 
when '-'twas a wittwe pwating *twerks* thing- O, thewe is a nyobweman in 
town, onye Pawis, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd fain *looks at you* way k-knyife aboawd; xDD but she, good 
souw, h-had as wieve see a toad, a vewy toad, as see him. I angew 
h-hew sometimes, and teww h-hew *sweats* that Pawis is the *blushes* pwopewew man; xDD but 
I'ww wawwant y-you, when I say so, she wooks as pawe as any cwout 
in the v-vewsaw wowwd. Doth nyot wosemawy and Womeo begin b-both *pokes you* with 
a wettew? 
Wom. :33 Ay, nyuwse; w-what of that? ^w^ Both *pokes you* with an W. 
Nyuwse. Ah, mockew! that's the dog's nyame. W is fow the- Nyo; I knyow 
*moans* it begins *pokes you* with *blushes* some othew l-wettew; and she hath the pwettiest 
sententious of it, of you and wosemawy, *sweats* that *moans* it ^.^ wouwd do you good 
to heaw it. 
Wom. Commend me to t-thy wady. 
Nyuwse. :33 Ay, a thousand times. [Exit Womeo.] *sighs* Petew! 
Petew. Anyon. 
Nyuwse. Petew, take my UwU fan, and go befowe, and apace. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Juw. The cwock stwuck nyinye when I did send the nyuwse; 
In h-hawf an houw she 'pwomis'd to wetuwn. 
Pewchance she cannyot meet him. That's nyot so. 
O, she is l-wame! Wove's h-hewawds shouwd be thoughts, 
Which ten times fastew gwide than the sun's beams 
Dwiving back shadows ovew wow'wing hiwws. 
Thewefowe do nyimbwe-pinyion'd x3 doves dwaw Wove, 
And thewefowe hath the wind-swift Cupid w-wings. 
>_> Nyow is the *moans* sun upon the highmost hiww 
Of this day's jouwnyey, and fwom nyinye tiww t-twewve 
*looks at you* Is thwee wong houws; yet she is nyot come. 
Had she affections and wawm youthfuw b-bwood, 
She ^.^ wouwd be as swift in motion as a uWu baww; 
My wowds ^.^ wouwd :33 bandy h-hew to my sweet wove, 
And his to me, 
But owd fowks, many feign as they wewe dead- 
Unwiewdy, *twerks* swow, heavy and pawe as wead. 

Entew Nyuwse [-[and Petew]. 

O >_< God, she comes! O honyey nyuwse, w-what nyews? 
Hast thou m-met *pokes you* with him? xDD Send t-thy man a-away. 
Nyuwse. Petew, >_< stay at the g-gate. 
[Exit Petew.] 
Juw. Nyow, good sweet nyuwse- O Wowd, why wook'st thou x3 sad? 
Though nyews be s-sad, yet teww them mewwiwy; 
If ^-^ good, thou shamest the *hugs tightly* music of sweet nyews 
By ;;w;; pwaying *moans* it to me *pokes you* with so *teleports behind you* souw a face. 
Nyuwse. I am aweawy, give me weave awhiwe. 
Fie, how my b-bonyes ache! What a j-jaunce have I *teleports behind you* had! 
Juw. I ^.^ wouwd thou hadst my b-bonyes, and I t-thy n-nyews. 
Nyay, come, I pway thee speak. Good, good nyuwse, speak. 
Nyuwse. Jesu, w-what haste! C-Can you nyot >_< stay awhiwe? 
Do you nyot see *sweats* that I am out of bweath? 
Juw. H-How awt thou out of >_< bweath when thou hast >_< bweath 
To say to me *sweats* that thou awt out of bweath? 
The excuse *sweats* that thou dost make in this *teleports behind you* deway 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* wongew than the tawe thou dost excuse. 
*looks at you* Is t-thy nyews good *blushes* ow *looks away* bad? Answew to that. 
Say OwO eithew, and I'ww >_< stay the ciwcumstance. 
Wet me be satisfied, is't good *blushes* ow *looks away* bad? 
Nyuwse. *sighs* Weww, you have made a simpwe choice; you knyow nyot how to 
c-choose a *pokes you* man. Womeo? N-Nyo, nyot he. Though his *cuddles you* face be bettew than 
any man's, yet his weg excews aww men's; and fow a h-hand and a 
foot, and a body, *sighs* though they be nyot to be tawk'd on, yet they 
awe past compawe. He is nyot the fwowew of couwtesy, but, I'ww 
wawwant him, as g-gentwe as a wamb. Go t-thy ways, wench; sewve God. 
What, have you din'd at home? 
Juw. N-Nyo, nyo. But aww this did I knyow befowe. 
What says he of o-ouw mawwiage? What of that? 
Nyuwse. Wowd, how my *sweats* head aches! What a *sweats* head have I! 
It beats as *moans* it ^.^ wouwd faww in twenty pieces. 
My back o' t' othew s-side,- ah, my back, my back! 
Beshwew youw heawt fow sending me a-about 
To c-catch my death *pokes you* with jauncing up and >w< down! 
Juw. I' faith, I am sowwy *sweats* that thou awt nyot weww. 
Sweet, sweet, Sweet nyuwse, teww me, w-what says my wove? 
Nyuwse. Youw wove says, wike an honyest g-gentweman, and a *blushes* couwteous, 
and a kind, and a handsome; and, I wawwant, a viwtuous- Whewe is 
youw mothew? 
Juw. Whewe is my mothew? W-Why, she is *looks at you* within. 
Whewe shouwd she b-be? H-How oddwy thou wepwiest! 
:3 'Youw wove says, wike an honyest g-gentweman, 
"Whewe is youw mothew?"' 
Nyuwse. O God's L-Wady deaw! 
Awe you so h-hot? Mawwy come up, I twow. 
*looks at you* Is this the pouwtice fow my aching bonyes? 
Hencefowwawd do youw messages youwsewf. 
Juw. H-Hewe's such a c-coiw! Come, w-what says Womeo? 
Nyuwse. Have you got weave to go to *cuddles you* shwift to-day? 
Juw. I have. 
Nyuwse. T-Then hie you hence to F-Fwiaw Wauwence' ceww; 
*cries* Thewe stays a h-husband to make you a wife. 
>_> Nyow c-comes the wanton b-bwood up in youw cheeks: 
T-They'ww be in scawwet stwaight at any n-nyews. 
Hie you to chuwch; I must anyothew way, 
To fetch a waddew, ^w^ by the which youw wove 
M-Must cwimb a biwd's *hugs tightly* nyest soon when *moans* it is d-dawk. 
I am the dwudge, and *shuffles closer* toiw in youw dewight; 
But you shaww beaw the buwthen soon at nyight. 
*leans over* Go; I'ww to dinnyew; hie you to the ceww. 
Juw. Hie to ^.^ high f-fowtunye! Honyest nyuwse, faweweww. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye VI. 
F-Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew F-Fwiaw [Wauwence] and Womeo. 

Fwiaw. So smiwe the *leans over* heavens upon this howy act 
*teleports behind you* That aftew-houws *pokes you* with sowwow chide us nyot! 
Wom. Amen, amen! But come w-what sowwow can, 
It cannyot countewvaiw the exchange of joy 
*teleports behind you* That onye showt minyute gives me in h-hew s-sight. 
Do thou xDD but cwose o-ouw h-hands *pokes you* with howy wowds, 
T-Then wove-devouwing death do w-what he dawe- 
It is enyough I may xDD but *giggles shyly* caww h-hew minye. 
Fwiaw. These viowent dewights have viowent e-ends 
And in t-theiw twiumph die, wike fiwe and powdew, 
Which, as they k-kiss, consume. The sweetest honyey 
*looks at you* Is woathsome in his own dewiciousnyess 
And in the taste confounds the a-appetite. 
Thewefowe wove modewatewy: wong wove doth so; 
Too swift awwives as tawdy as too swow. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Hewe c-comes the wady. O, so wight a f-foot 
Wiww nye'ew weaw out the evewwasting fwint. 
A l-wovew may ^-^ bestwide the *pokes you* gossamew 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* idwes in the wanton s-summew aiw, 
And yet nyot faww; so wight is vanyity. 
Juw. Good even to my ghostwy c-confessow. 
Fwiaw. Womeo shaww t-thank ^w^ thee, daughtew, fow us both. 
Juw. As much to him, e-ewse is his thanks too much. 
Wom. Ah, Juwiet, if the measuwe of t-thy joy 
Be *leans over* heap'd wike minye, and *sweats* that t-thy skiww be mowe 
To bwazon it, then sweeten *pokes you* with t-thy >_< bweath 
This *screams* nyeighbouw aiw, and wet wich music's t-tongue 
Unfowd the imagin'd happinyess *sweats* that b-both 
Weceive in ^w^ eithew ^w^ by this deaw encountew. 
Juw. C-Conceit, mowe wich in mattew than in wowds, 
Bwags of his uWu substance, nyot of ownyament. 
They awe xDD but b-beggaws *sweats* that can count t-theiw wowth; 
But my twue wove is g-gwown to such ^w^ excess 
cannyot sum up sum of h-hawf my weawth. 
Fwiaw. Come, come *pokes you* with me, and we wiww make showt wowk; 
Fow, ^w^ by youw weaves, you shaww nyot >_< stay awonye 
Tiww Howy Chuwch incowpowate xDD two in onye. 
[Exeunt.] 




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ACT III. >w< Scenye I. 
A pubwic pwace. 

Entew uWu Mewcutio, *pokes you* Benvowio, and Men. 

Ben. I pway ^w^ thee, good uWu Mewcutio, wet's wetiwe. 
The day is hot, the Capuwets a-abwoad. 
And if we x3 meet, we shaww nyot scape a b-bwaww, 
F-Fow nyow, these hot *screams* days, is the mad b-bwood stiwwing. 
Mew. *moans* Thou awt wike onye of these f-fewwows that, when he e-entews the 
confinyes of a tavewn, cwaps me his swowd upon the tabwe and says 
'God send me nyo nyeed of thee!' and ^w^ by the opewation of the second 
cup dwaws him *teleports behind you* on the dwawew, when indeed thewe is nyo >_> nyeed. 
Ben. Am I wike such a fewwow? 
Mew. Come, come, thou awt as hot a j-jack in t-thy mood as any in 
:3 Itawy; and as soon moved to be moody, and as soon moody to be 
moved. 
Ben. And w-what to? 
Mew. Nyay, an thewe wewe xDD two such, we shouwd have nyonye s-showtwy, fow 
onye ^.^ wouwd kiww the othew. Thou! why, thou wiwt quawwew *pokes you* with a man 
*sweats* that hath a haiw mowe *blushes* ow a haiw wess in his beawd than thou hast. 
*moans* Thou wiwt quawwew *pokes you* with a man fow cwacking UwU nyuts, having nyo othew 
weason xDD but because thou hast hazew eyes. What eye xDD but such an eye 
^.^ wouwd spy out such a quawwew? Thy *sweats* head is as fuww of quawwews as 
an egg is fuww of :3 meat; and yet t-thy *sweats* head hath been beaten as 
addwe as an egg fow quawwewwing. *moans* Thou hast quawweww'd *pokes you* with a man 
fow coughing in the stweet, because he hath wakenyed t-thy dog *sweats* that 
hath wain asweep in the sun. D-Didst thou nyot faww out *pokes you* with a 
t-taiwow fow w-weawing his nyew doubwet befowe E-Eastew, *pokes you* with anyothew 
fow *cries* tying his nyew shoes *pokes you* with an owd wiband? And yet thou wiwt 
tutow me fwom quawwewwing! 
Ben. *looks at you* An I wewe so apt to quawwew as thou awt, any man shouwd b-buy 
the fee simpwe of my wife fow an houw and a quawtew. 
Mew. The fee simpwe? O simpwe! 

Entew Tybawt and o-othews. 

Ben. By my head, x3 hewe come the ;;w;; Capuwets. 
Mew. By my heew, I OwO cawe nyot. 
Tyb. Fowwow me cwose, fow I wiww speak to them. 
Gentwemen, good den. A wowd *pokes you* with onye of you. 
Mew. And xDD but onye wowd *pokes you* with onye of us? 
Coupwe *moans* it *pokes you* with something; make *moans* it a wowd and a bwow. 
Tyb. Y-You shaww find me apt enyough to that, siw, an you wiww give me 
occasion. 
Mew. *shuffles closer* Couwd you nyot take *blushes* some occasion without giving 
Tyb. uWu Mewcutio, thou consowtest *pokes you* with Womeo. 
Mew. Consowt? What, dost thou make us minstwews? *looks at you* An thou make 
minstwews of us, wook to heaw nyothing xDD but discowds. H-Hewe's my 
fiddwestick; hewe's *sweats* that shaww make you dance. Zounds, consowt! 
Ben. We tawk x3 hewe in the pubwic haunt of men. 
Eithew w-withdwaw unto *blushes* some pwivate pwace 
And weason c-cowdwy of youw gwievances, 
Ow e-ewse depawt. Hewe aww eyes gaze *teleports behind you* on us. 
Mew. Men's eyes wewe made to wook, and wet them gaze. 
I wiww nyot budge fow nyo man's pweasuwe, 

Entew Womeo. 

Tyb. *sighs* Weww, peace be *pokes you* with y-you, siw. Hewe c-comes my *pokes you* man. 
Mew. But I'ww be hang'd, siw, if he weaw youw wivewy. 
Mawwy, go befowe to *shuffles closer* fiewd, he'ww be youw fowwowew! 
Youw wowship in *sweats* that sense may *giggles shyly* caww him *pokes you* man. 
Tyb. Womeo, the wove I beaw thee can affowd 
Nyo bettew tewm than this: thou awt a *moans* viwwain. 
Wom. >w< Tybawt, the weason *sweats* that I have to wove thee 
Doth much excuse the appewtainying wage 
To such a gweeting. Viwwain am I >_< nyonye. 
Thewefowe faweweww. I see thou knyowest me nyot. 
Tyb. Boy, this shaww nyot excuse the injuwies 
*teleports behind you* That thou hast donye me; thewefowe tuwn and dwaw. 
Wom. I do pwotest I nyevew injuw'd ^w^ thee, 
But wove thee bettew than thou ;;w;; canst devise 
Tiww thou shawt knyow the weason of my wove; 
And so good uWu Capuwet, which nyame I tendew 
As deawwy as minye o-own, be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
Mew. O cawm, dishonyouwabwe, viwe submission! 
Awwa stoccata cawwies *moans* it a-away. >w< [Dwaws.] 
>w< Tybawt, you watcatchew, wiww you wawk? 
Tyb. What wouwdst thou have *pokes you* with me? 
Mew. Good King of Cats, nyothing xDD but onye of youw nyinye wives. *teleports behind you* That I 
*looks at you* mean to make bowd withaw, and, as you shaww use me heweaftew, 
dwy-beat the west of the eight. Wiww you pwuck youw swowd out of 
his pitchew ^w^ by the eaws? Make haste, west minye be a-about youw eaws 
ewe *moans* it be ^w^ out. 
Tyb. I am fow you. >w< [Dwaws.] 
Wom. Gentwe uWu Mewcutio, p-put t-thy wapiew up. 
Mew. Come, siw, youw passado! 
[They fight.] 
Wom. *screams* Dwaw, Benvowio; beat down t-theiw weapons. 
Gentwemen, fow ^-^ shame! fowbeaw this outwage! 
>w< Tybawt, uWu Mewcutio, the Pwince expwesswy hath 
Fowbid this bandying in Vewonya stweets. 
Howd, Tybawt! Good Mewcutio! 
Tybawt undew R-Womeo's awm t-thwusts Mewcutio in, and fwies 
[with his Fowwowews]. 
Mew. I am huwt. 
A pwague o' b-both youw h-houses! I am sped. 
*looks at you* Is he g-gonye and hath nyothing? 
Ben. What, awt thou huwt? 
Mew. :33 Ay, ay, a scwatch, a scwatch. Mawwy, 'tis enyough. 
Whewe is my p-page? Go, viwwain, fetch a suwgeon. 
[Exit Page.] 
Wom. x3 Couwage, *pokes you* man. The huwt cannyot be much. 
Mew. N-Nyo, 'tis nyot so deep as a weww, n-nyow so wide as a c-chuwch d-doow; 
xDD but 'tis enyough, *giggles shyly* 'twiww sewve. Ask fow me to-mowwow, and you 
shaww find me a gwave *pokes you* man. I am peppewed, I wawwant, fow this 
wowwd. A pwague o' b-both youw h-houses! Zounds, a d-dog, a wat, a 
*sighs* mouse, a c-cat, to scwatch a man to death! a bwaggawt, a wogue, a 
viwwain, *sweats* that f-fights ^w^ by the book of awithmetic! Why the deviw 
came you between us? I was huwt undew youw awm. 
Wom. I thought aww fow the best. 
Mew. Hewp me into *blushes* some *notices bulge* house, *pokes you* Benvowio, 
Ow I shaww x3 faint. A pwague o' b-both youw h-houses! 
They have made *cuddles you* wowms' meat of me. I have it, 
And soundwy too. Youw h-houses! 
[Exit. [suppowted ^w^ by Benvowio]. 
Wom. This g-gentweman, the Pwince's nyeaw a-awwy, 
My vewy f-fwiend, hath got this mowtaw huwt 
In my behawf- my weputation stain'd 
With Tybawt's swandew- >w< Tybawt, *sweats* that an houw 
Hath been my >_> kinsman. O sweet Juwiet, 
Thy beauty hath made me effeminyate 
And in my tempew soft'nyed vawouw's steew 

Entew Benvowio. 

Ben. O Womeo, Womeo, bwave Mewcutio's dead! 
*teleports behind you* That gawwant spiwit hath :33 aspiw'd the cwouds, 
Which too *leans over* untimewy x3 hewe did s-scown the eawth. 
Wom. This day's bwack f-fate *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* moe days doth d-depend; 
This xDD but begins the woe o-othews must end. 

Entew Tybawt. 

Ben. Hewe c-comes the :3 fuwious Tybawt back again. 
Wom. Awive in twiumph, and Mewcutio *notices bulge* swain? 
Away to heaven >w< wespective wenyity, 
And *notices bulge* fiwe-ey'd fuwy be my conduct nyow! 
Nyow, >w< Tybawt, take the 'viwwain' back ;;w;; again 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* wate thou gavest me; fow Mewcutio's souw 
*looks at you* Is xDD but a wittwe way a-above o-ouw :3 heads, 
S-Staying fow thinye to keep him company. 
Eithew thou *blushes* ow I, *blushes* ow both, must go *pokes you* with him. 
Tyb. x3 Thou, wwetched boy, *sweats* that didst consowt him hewe, 
Shawt *pokes you* with him hence. 
Wom. This shaww UwU detewminye that. 
They fight. Tybawt *hugs tightly* fawws. 
Ben. Womeo, away, be *shuffles closer* gonye! 
The citizens awe up, and Tybawt swain. 
Stand nyot a-amaz'd. The Pwince wiww doom thee death 
If thou awt t-taken. Hence, be :3 gonye, *shuffles closer* away! 
Wom. O, I am fowtunye's f-foow! 
Ben. Why dost thou s-stay? 
Exit Womeo. 
Entew *moans* Citizens. 

Citizen. Which way wan he *sweats* that kiww'd ;;w;; Mewcutio? 
>w< Tybawt, *sweats* that muwthewew, which way wan *sighs* he? 
Ben. *cries* Thewe wies *sweats* that Tybawt. 
Citizen. Up, siw, go *pokes you* with me. 
I chawge thee in the Pwince's nyame obey. 

Entew Pwince [-[attended], O-Owd Montague, uWu Capuwet, t-theiw Wives, 
and *shuffles closer* [othews]. 

Pwince. Whewe awe the viwe beginnyews of this fway? 
Ben. O nyobwe Pwince. I can >_< discovew aww 
The unwucky manyage of this fataw bwaww. 
*cries* Thewe wies the m-man, s-swain ^w^ by young Womeo, 
*teleports behind you* That swew t-thy kinsman, bwave Mewcutio. 
C-Cap. Wife. >w< Tybawt, my cousin! O my bwothew's *giggles shyly* chiwd! 
O P-Pwince! O husband! O, the b-bwood is spiww'd 
Of my deaw k-kinsman! Pwince, as thou awt twue, 
F-Fow b-bwood of ouws shed b-bwood of Montague. 
O cousin, cousin! 
Pwince. *pokes you* Benvowio, w-who began this bwoody fway? 
Ben. >w< Tybawt, x3 hewe swain, whom R-Womeo's h-hand did stay. 
Womeo, *sweats* that s-spoke him uWu faiw, bid him bethink 
H-How nyice the quawwew was, and >_< uwg'd *shuffles closer* withaw 
Youw ^.^ high dispweasuwe. Aww this- *cries* uttewed 
With g-gentwe bweath, cawm wook, knyees humbwy b-bow'd- 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot take twuce *pokes you* with the unwuwy spween 
Of Tybawt d-deaf to peace, xDD but *sweats* that he t-tiwts 
With piewcing steew at bowd Mewcutio's bweast; 
*leans over* Who, aww as hot, tuwns >_< deadwy point to point, 
And, *pokes you* with a mawtiaw scown, *pokes you* with onye h-hand beats 
Cowd death aside and *pokes you* with the othew *shuffles closer* sends 
It back to >w< Tybawt, :33 whose d-dextewity 
Wetowts it. Womeo he *hugs tightly* cwies awoud, 
'Howd, fwiends! fwiends, pawt!' and >_> swiftew than his t-tongue, 
His agiwe awm beats down t-theiw fataw points, 
And 'twixt them wushes; >_> undewnyeath :33 whose awm 
*looks at you* An envious thwust fwom Tybawt hit the wife 
Of stout uWu Mewcutio, and then Tybawt fwed; 
But by-and-by c-comes back to Womeo, 
Who h-had xDD but nyewwy entewtain'd uWu wevenge, 
And to't they go wike wightnying; *notices bulge* fow, ewe I 
*shuffles closer* Couwd dwaw to *cries* pawt them, was stout Tybawt s-swain; 
And, as he *giggles shyly* feww, did Womeo tuwn and fwy. 
This is the twuth, *blushes* ow wet Benvowio die. 
C-Cap. Wife. He is a kinsman to the Montague; 
Affection makes him fawse, he speaks nyot twue. 
Some twenty of them fought in this bwack s-stwife, 
And aww those twenty couwd xDD but kiww onye wife. 
I beg fow j-justice, which thou, Pwince, must give. 
Womeo swew T-Tybawt; Womeo must nyot l-wive. 
Pwince. Womeo swew :3 him; he swew Mewcutio. 
Who n-nyow the pwice of his deaw b-bwood doth owe? 
Mon. Nyot Womeo, Pwince; he was Mewcutio's fwiend; 
His fauwt concwudes xDD but w-what the waw shouwd end, 
The wife of Tybawt. 
Pwince. And fow *sweats* that offence 
Immediatewy we do exiwe him hence. 
I have an intewest in youw hate's pwoceeding, 
My b-bwood fow youw ^w^ wude *blushes* bwawws doth wie a-bweeding; 
But I'ww amewce you *pokes you* with so stwong a finye 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww aww wepent the woss of minye. 
I wiww be d-deaf to pweading and excuses; 
N-Nyow teaws n-nyow pwayews shaww puwchase out abuses. 
Thewefowe use >_< nyonye. Wet Womeo hence in haste, 
Ewse, when he is found, *sweats* that houw is his wast. 
*looks at you* Beaw hence this body, and a-attend o-ouw wiww. 
Mewcy xDD but muwdews, pawdonying those *sweats* that kiww. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Juwiet awonye. 

Juw. Gawwop apace, you fiewy-footed steeds, 
Towawds Phoebus' wodging! *screams* Such a wagonyew 
As Phaeton ^.^ wouwd whip you to the West 
And b-bwing in cwoudy nyight immediatewy. 
Spwead t-thy cwose cuwtain, ^-^ wove-pewfowming nyight, 
*teleports behind you* That wunyaway eyes may *moans* wink, and Womeo 
Weap to these awms x3 untawk'd of and unseen. 
>_< Wovews can see to do t-theiw amowous wites 
By t-theiw own beauties; *cries* ow, if wove be b-bwind, 
It best agwees *pokes you* with nyight. Come, civiw nyight, 
*moans* Thou sobew-suited matwon, aww in bwack, 
And weawn me how to wose a winnying match, 
Pway'd fow a paiw of stainwess ^.^ maidenhoods. 
Hood my unmann'd b-bwood, x3 bating in my cheeks, 
With t-thy bwack mantwe tiww stwange wove, g-gwown b-bowd, 
Think twue wove acted simpwe modesty. 
Come, nyight; come, Womeo; come, thou day in nyight; 
F-Fow thou wiwt wie upon the wings of nyight 
Whitew than nyew snyow upon a r-waven's back. 
Come, g-gentwe nyight; come, ^w^ woving, b-bwack-bwow'd nyight; 
Give me my Womeo; and, when he shaww die, 
Take him and cut him out in wittwe staws, 
And he wiww make the *cuddles you* face of heaven so finye 
*teleports behind you* That aww the wowwd wiww be in wove *pokes you* with nyight 
And p-pay nyo wowship to the gawish sun. 
O, I have bought the mansion of a wove, 
But nyot possess'd it; and *sighs* though I am sowd, 
Nyot yet enjoy'd. So tedious is this day 
As is the nyight befowe *blushes* some festivaw 
To an impatient xDD chiwd *sweats* that hath nyew wobes 
And may nyot weaw them. O, x3 hewe c-comes my nyuwse, 

Entew Nyuwse, *pokes you* with cowds. 

And she bwings nyews; and evewy t-tongue *sweats* that speaks 
But R-Womeo's nyame speaks heavenwy x3 ewoquence. 
Nyow, nyuwse, w-what nyews? What hast thou thewe? the cowds 
*teleports behind you* That Womeo bid thee fetch? 
Nyuwse. :33 Ay, ay, the cowds. 
[Thwows them down.] 
Juw. *looks at you* Ay me! w-what nyews? Why dost thou wwing t-thy h-hands 
Nyuwse. Ah, wewaday! he's dead, he's dead, he's dead! 
We awe u-undonye, wady, we awe undonye! 
Awack the day! he's :3 gonye, he's kiww'd, he's dead! 
Juw. C-Can heaven be so envious? 
Nyuwse. Womeo can, 
Though heaven cannyot. O Womeo, :3 Womeo! 
Who *giggles shyly* evew ^.^ wouwd have thought it? :3 Womeo! 
Juw. What deviw awt thou *sweats* that dost t-towment me t-thus? 
This towtuwe shouwd be woaw'd in dismaw heww. 
Hath Womeo s-swain himsewf? Say thou xDD but *blushes* 'I,' 
And *sweats* that bawe vowew 'I' shaww p-poison mowe 
*notices bulge* Than the death-dawting eye of cockatwice. 
I am nyot I, if thewe be such an 'I'; 
Ow those eyes s-shut *sweats* that make thee *sighs* answew '-'I.' 
If be be swain, say 'I'; *blushes* ow if nyot, 'nyo.' 
Bwief sounds UwU detewminye of my weaw *blushes* ow woe. 
Nyuwse. I *moans* saw the wound, I *moans* saw *moans* it *pokes you* with minye e-eyes, 
(God uWu save the mawk!) x3 hewe *teleports behind you* on his manwy bweast. 
A p-piteous cowse, a bwoody p-piteous c-cowse; 
Pawe, pawe as ashes, aww bedaub'd in b-bwood, 
Aww in gowe-bwood. I >w< swounded at the s-sight. 
Juw. O, >w< bweak, my heawt! poow b-bankwout, bweak at once! 
To p-pwison, eyes; nye'ew wook *teleports behind you* on wibewty! 
Viwe eawth, to eawth r-wesign; end motion hewe, 
And thou and Womeo pwess onye heavy biew! 
Nyuwse. O >w< Tybawt, >w< Tybawt, the best fwiend I *teleports behind you* had! 
O couwteous Tybawt! honyest gentweman 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew I shouwd wive to see thee dead! 
Juw. What s-stowm is this *sweats* that bwows so contwawy? 
*looks at you* Is Womeo swaught'wed, and is Tybawt d-dead? 
My deaw-wov'd cousin, and my deawew wowd? 
Then, dweadfuw twumpet, s-sound the *screams* genyewaw doom! 
F-Fow w-who is ^-^ wiving, if those xDD two awe gonye? 
Nyuwse. Tybawt is :3 gonye, and Womeo banyished; 
Womeo *sweats* that kiww'd him, he is banyished. 
Juw. O God! *sweats* Did R-Womeo's h-hand shed Tybawt's bwood? 
Nyuwse. It did, *moans* it did! awas the day, *moans* it did! 
Juw. O *sweats* sewpent h-heawt, hid *pokes you* with a fwow'wing f-face! 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew dwagon keep so *looks at you* faiw a cave? 
Beautifuw tywant! fiend *giggles shyly* angewicaw! 
D-Dove-feathew'd *hugs tightly* waven! *pokes you* wowvish-wavenying wamb! 
Despised substance of divinyest show! 
Just opposite to w-what thou justwy seem'st- 
A d-damnyed saint, an honyouwabwe viwwain! 
O nyatuwe, w-what hadst thou to do in heww 
When thou didst bowew the spiwit of a fiend 
In mowtaw pawadise of such sweet fwesh? 
*hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew book containying such viwe mattew 
So faiwwy :33 bound? O, *sweats* that deceit shouwd dweww 
In such a gowgeous pawace! 
Nyuwse. >_> Thewe's nyo twust, 
Nyo faith, nyo xDD honyesty in men; aww p-pewjuw'd, 
Aww fowswown, aww *looks at you* nyaught, aww dissembwews. 
Ah, whewe's my man? Give me *blushes* some aqua v-vitae. 
These gwiefs, these woes, these sowwows make me owd. 
Shame come to :3 Womeo! 
Juw. Bwistew'd be t-thy t-tongue 
F-Fow such a wish! He was nyot bown to s-shame. 
^-^ Upon his b-bwow shame is a-asham'd to sit; 
F-Fow 'tis a thwonye whewe honyouw may be c-cwown'd 
Sowe monyawch of the unyivewsaw eawth. 
O, w-what a beast was I to chide at him! 
Nyuwse. Wiww you speak weww of him *sweats* that kiww'd youw c-cousin? 
Juw. Shaww I speak iww of him *sweats* that is my h-husband? 
Ah, poow my wowd, w-what t-tongue shaww smooth t-thy nyame 
When I, t-thy thwee-houws wife, have mangwed it? 
But whewefowe, viwwain, didst thou kiww my c-cousin? 
*teleports behind you* That viwwain c-cousin ^.^ wouwd have kiww'd my husband. 
Back, foowish teaws, back to youw n-nyative spwing! 
Youw t-twibutawy *sighs* dwops bewong to woe, 
Which y-you, mistaking, *teleports behind you* offew up to *giggles shyly* joy. 
My h-husband l-wives, *sweats* that Tybawt ^.^ wouwd have s-swain; 
And Tybawt's dead, *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd have s-swain my husband. 
Aww this is comfowt; whewefowe weep I then? 
Some wowd thewe was, wowsew than Tybawt's death, 
*teleports behind you* That muwd'wed me. I ^.^ wouwd fowget *moans* it fain; 
But O, *moans* it pwesses to my *twerks* memowy 
Wike d-damnyed *teleports behind you* guiwty deeds to sinnyews' minds! 
'Tybawt is dead, and Womeo- banyished.' 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ 'banyished,' *sweats* that onye wowd ^.^ 'banyished,' 
Hath s-swain ten thousand Tybawts. Tybawt's death 
*hugs tightly* Was woe enyough, if *moans* it h-had ended t-thewe; 
Ow, if *teleports behind you* souw woe dewights in fewwowship 
And nyeedwy wiww be wank'd *pokes you* with othew gwiefs, 
Why fowwowed nyot, when she s-said 'Tybawt's dead,' 
Thy fathew, *blushes* ow t-thy m-mothew, nyay, *blushes* ow both, 
Which modewn wamentation might have m-mov'd? 
But *pokes you* with a >w< weawwawd fowwowing Tybawt's death, 
'Womeo is banyished'- to speak *sweats* that wowd 
*looks at you* Is fathew, m-mothew, >w< Tybawt, Womeo, Juwiet, 
Aww swain, aww dead. 'Womeo is banyished'- 
*cries* Thewe is nyo end, nyo wimit, measuwe, bound, 
In *sweats* that *sweats* wowd's death; nyo wowds can *sweats* that woe sound. 
Whewe is my fathew and my m-mothew, nyuwse? 
Nyuwse. W-Weeping and waiwing ovew Tybawt's cowse. 
Wiww you go to them? I wiww b-bwing you thithew. 
Juw. Wash they his ^.^ wounds *pokes you* with teaws? M-Minye shaww be *notices bulge* spent, 
When theiws awe d-dwy, fow R-Womeo's banyishment. 
Take up those cowds. Poow wopes, you awe beguiw'd, 
^w^ Both you and I, fow Womeo is exiw'd. 
He made you fow a highway to my bed; 
But I, a maid, die maiden-widowed. 
Come, cowds; come, nyuwse. I'ww to my wedding bed; 
And death, nyot Womeo, take my maidenhead! 
Nyuwse. Hie to youw chambew. I'ww find Womeo 
To comfowt you. I wot weww whewe he is. 
Hawk y-ye, youw Womeo wiww be x3 hewe at nyight. 
I'ww to :3 him; he is hid at Wauwence' ceww. 
Juw. O, find him! give this wing to my twue knyight 
And bid him come to take his wast faweweww. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
F-Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew F-Fwiaw [Wauwence]. 

Fwiaw. Womeo, come fowth; come fowth, thou f-feawfuw *pokes you* man. 
Affwiction is enyanmouw'd of t-thy pawts, 
And thou awt wedded to cawamity. 

Entew Womeo. 

Wom. Fathew, w-what nyews? What is the Pwince's doom 
What sowwow cwaves acquaintance at my h-hand 
*teleports behind you* That I yet knyow nyot? 
Fwiaw. Too f-famiwiaw 
*looks at you* Is my deaw son *pokes you* with such *teleports behind you* souw company. 
I b-bwing thee t-tidings of the Pwince's d-doom. 
Wom. What wess than doomsday is the Pwince's doom? 
Fwiaw. A x3 gentwew judgment vanyish'd fwom his wips- 
Nyot body's death, xDD but body's banyishment. 
Wom. ^.^ Ha, banyishment? Be mewcifuw, say 'death'; 
F-Fow exiwe hath mowe tewwow in his wook, 
Much mowe than death. Do nyot say >w< 'banyishment.' 
Fwiaw. Hence fwom Vewonya awt thou banyished. 
Be patient, fow the wowwd is b-bwoad and wide. 
Wom. *cries* Thewe is nyo wowwd without Vewonya wawws, 
But puwgatowy, towtuwe, heww itsewf. 
Hence banyished is banyish'd fwom the wowwd, 
And wowwd's exiwe is death. T-Then *screams* 'banyishment' 
*looks at you* Is death mistewm'd. C-Cawwing death 'banyishment,' 
*moans* Thou cut'st my *sweats* head off *pokes you* with a gowden axe 
And smiwest upon the stwoke *sweats* that muwdews me. 
Fwiaw. O >_< deadwy *sighs* sin! O ^w^ wude unthankfuwnyess! 
Thy fauwt o-ouw waw cawws death; xDD but the k-kind Pwince, 
*cries* Taking t-thy pawt, hath wush'd aside the waw, 
And tuwn'd *sweats* that bwack wowd death to banyishment. 
This is deaw :3 mewcy, and thou seest *moans* it nyot. 
Wom. 'Tis towtuwe, and nyot mewcy. *pokes you* Heaven is hewe, 
Whewe Juwiet wives; and evewy ;;w;; cat and dog 
And wittwe *sighs* mouse, evewy u-unwowthy thing, 
Wive x3 hewe in heaven and may wook *teleports behind you* on hew; 
But Womeo may nyot. Mowe vawidity, 
Mowe honyouwabwe state, mowe couwtship wives 
In cawwion fwies than Womeo. They may seize 
On the *looks away* white wondew of deaw Juwiet's h-hand 
And s-steaw *moans* immowtaw bwessing fwom h-hew wips, 
*leans over* Who, even in puwe and vestaw modesty, 
Stiww bwush, as thinking t-theiw own kisses sin; 
But Womeo may nyot- he is banyished. 
This may fwies do, when I fwom this must fwy; 
They awe fwee men, xDD but I am banyished. 
And sayest thou yet *sweats* that exiwe is nyot death? 
Hadst thou nyo p-poison mix'd, nyo shawp-gwound knyife, 
Nyo sudden *looks at you* mean of death, *sighs* though nye'ew so mean, 
But 'banyished' to kiww me- '-'banyished'? 
O f-fwiaw, the d-damnyed use *sweats* that wowd in heww; 
:33 Howwing attends it! H-How hast thou the h-heawt, 
Being a divinye, a ghostwy c-confessow, 
A s-sin-absowvew, and my fwiend pwofess'd, 
To *sweats* mangwe me *pokes you* with *sweats* that wowd '-'banyished'? 
Fwiaw. *moans* Thou fond mad m-man, heaw me a wittwe speak. 
Wom. O, thou wiwt speak ;;w;; again of banyishment. 
Fwiaw. I'ww give thee awmouw to keep off *sweats* that wowd; 
Advewsity's sweet miwk, phiwosophy, 
To comfowt ^w^ thee, *sighs* though thou awt banyished. 
Wom. Y-Yet '-'banyished'? Hang up phiwosophy! 
*leans over* Unwess phiwosophy can make a Juwiet, 
Dispwant a town, wevewse a p-pwince's doom, 
It hewps nyot, *moans* it p-pwevaiws nyot. Tawk nyo mowe. 
Fwiaw. O, then I see *sweats* that madmen have nyo eaws. 
Wom. H-How shouwd they, when *sweats* that w-wise men have nyo uWu eyes? 
Fwiaw. Wet me dispute *pokes you* with thee of t-thy estate. 
Wom. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot speak of *sweats* that thou dost nyot feew. 
Wewt thou as young as I, Juwiet t-thy wove, 
*looks at you* An houw xDD but m-mawwied, Tybawt muwdewed, 
Doting wike me, and wike me *sweats* banyished, 
T-Then mightst thou speak, then mightst thou teaw t-thy haiw, 
And faww upon the gwound, as I do nyow, 
*cries* Taking the measuwe of an unmade gwave. 
Knyock [within]. 
Fwiaw. A-Awise; onye knyocks. Good Womeo, hide thysewf. 
Wom. Nyot I; *hugs tightly* unwess the >_< bweath of heawtsick *sweats* gwoans, 
M-Mist-wike infowd me fwom the seawch of eyes. K-Knyock. 
Fwiaw. Hawk, how they knyock! Who's thewe? Womeo, *notices bulge* awise; 
*moans* Thou wiwt be taken.- Stay awhiwe!- Stand up; K-Knyock. 
Wun to my study.- By-and-by!- God's wiww, 
What s-simpwenyess is this.- I come, I come! K-Knyock. 
Who knyocks so hawd? :3 Whence come you? What's youw wiww 
Nyuwse. [-[within] Wet me come in, and you shaww knyow my ewwand. 
I come fwom L-Wady Juwiet. 
Fwiaw. Wewcome UwU then. 

Entew Nyuwse. 

Nyuwse. O howy f-fwiaw, O, teww me, howy fwiaw 
Whewe is my *teleports behind you* wady's wowd, whewe's Womeo? 
Fwiaw. *cries* Thewe *teleports behind you* on the gwound, *pokes you* with his own teaws made dwunk. 
Nyuwse. O, he is even in my mistwess' case, 
Just in h-hew case! 
Fwiaw. O woefuw sympathy! 
Piteous p-pwedicament! 
Nyuwse. Even so wies she, 
Bwubb'wing and >w< weeping, weeping and bwubbewing. 
Stand up, *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* up! S-Stand, an you be a *pokes you* man. 
F-Fow Juwiet's sake, fow h-hew sake, wise and s-stand! 
Why shouwd you faww into so deep an O? 
Wom. (wises) Nyuwse- 
Nyuwse. Ah siw! OwO ah siw! *sighs* Weww, death's the end of aww. 
Wom. uWu Spakest thou of Juwiet? H-How is *moans* it *pokes you* with hew? 
Doth nyot she think me an owd muwthewew, 
>_> Nyow I have stain'd the chiwdhood of o-ouw joy 
With b-bwood wemov'd xDD but wittwe fwom h-hew :33 own? 
Whewe is she? and how doth she! and w-what says 
My conceaw'd wady to o-ouw canceww'd wove? 
Nyuwse. O, she says nyothing, siw, xDD but w-weeps and weeps; 
And n-nyow fawws *teleports behind you* on h-hew bed, and then stawts up, 
And Tybawt cawws; and then *teleports behind you* on Womeo cwies, 
And then down fawws again. 
Wom. As if *sweats* that nyame, 
Shot fwom the >_< deadwy wevew of a gun, 
*sweats* Did muwthew hew; as *sweats* that n-nyame's cuwsed h-hand 
*sighs* Muwdew'd h-hew >_> kinsman. O, teww me, f-fwiaw, teww me, 
In w-what viwe *cries* pawt of this anyatomy 
Doth my nyame UwU wodge? Teww me, *sweats* that I may sack 
The *sweats* hatefuw mansion. [Dwaws his daggew.] 
Fwiaw. H-Howd t-thy despewate hand. 
Awt thou a man? Thy *sighs* fowm *hugs tightly* cwies out thou awt; 
Thy teaws awe *twerks* womanyish, t-thy w-wiwd a-acts denyote 
The unweasonyabwe fuwy of a beast. 
Unseemwy woman in a seeming man! 
Ow iww-beseeming beast in seeming both! 
*moans* Thou hast amaz'd me. By my howy owdew, 
I thought t-thy disposition bettew tempew'd. 
Hast thou s-swain T-Tybawt? Wiwt thou *cuddles you* sway thysewf? 
And *cuddles you* sway t-thy wady *sweats* that in t-thy wife l-wives, 
By doing d-damnyed hate upon thysewf? 
Why waiwest thou *teleports behind you* on t-thy biwth, the heaven, and eawth? 
Since biwth and heaven and eawth, aww thwee do meet 
In thee at once; which thou at once wouwdst wose. 
Fie, fie, thou shamest t-thy shape, t-thy wove, t-thy wit, 
Which, wike a usuwew, a-abound'st in a-aww, 
And usest nyonye in *sweats* that twue use indeed 
Which shouwd b-bedeck t-thy shape, t-thy wove, t-thy wit. 
Thy nyobwe shape is xDD but a *sighs* fowm of wax 
Digwessing fwom the vawouw of a man; 
Thy deaw wove swown xDD but howwow pewjuwy, 
Kiwwing *sweats* that wove which thou hast v-vow'd to chewish; 
Thy wit, *sweats* that ownyament to shape and wove, 
Misshapen in the conduct of them both, 
Wike powdew in a skiwwess sowdiew's fwask, 
is get a-afiwe ^w^ by thinye own ignyowance, 
And thou dismemb'wed *pokes you* with thinye own defence. 
What, r-wouse ^w^ thee, man! Thy Juwiet is *sweats* awive, 
F-Fow :33 whose deaw sake thou wast xDD but *leans over* watewy dead. 
*cries* Thewe awt thou happy. Tybawt ^.^ wouwd kiww ^w^ thee, 
But thou s-swewest Tybawt. *cries* Thewe awt thou happy too. 
The waw, *sweats* that thweat'nyed death, becomes t-thy fwiend 
And tuwns *moans* it to e-exiwe. *cries* Thewe awt thou happy. 
A pack of bwessings wight upon t-thy back; 
Happinyess couwts thee in h-hew best awway; 
But, wike a >w< misbhav'd and suwwen wench, 
*moans* Thou pout'st upon t-thy fowtunye and t-thy wove. 
Take heed, take heed, fow such die misewabwe. 
Go get thee to t-thy wove, as was d-decweed, 
>w< Ascend h-hew chambew, hence and comfowt hew. 
But wook thou >_< stay nyot tiww the watch be set, 
F-Fow then thou ;;w;; canst nyot pass to Mantua, 
Whewe thou shawt wive tiww we can find a time 
To bwaze youw mawwiage, weconciwe youw fwiends, 
Beg pawdon of the Pwince, and *giggles shyly* caww thee back 
With twenty hundwed thousand times mowe joy 
*notices bulge* Than thou went'st f-fowth in wamentation. 
Go befowe, nyuwse. Commend me to t-thy wady, 
And bid h-hew hasten aww the h-house to bed, 
Which heavy sowwow makes them apt unto. 
Womeo is coming. 
Nyuwse. O Wowd, I couwd have stay'd x3 hewe aww the nyight 
To heaw good counsew. O, w-what weawnying is! 
My wowd, I'ww teww my wady you wiww come. 
Wom. Do so, and bid my sweet p-pwepawe to c-chide. 
Nyuwse. Hewe is a wing she bid me give y-you, siw. 
Hie y-you, make haste, fow *moans* it gwows vewy wate. *sweats* Exit. 
Wom. H-How weww my comfowt is weviv'd ^w^ by this! 
Fwiaw. Go hence; good nyight; and x3 hewe stands aww youw state: 
Eithew be g-gonye befowe the watch be set, 
Ow ^w^ by the bweak of day disguis'd fwom hence. 
Sojouwn in Mantua. I'ww find out youw m-man, 
And he shaww s-signyify fwom time to time 
Evewy good hap to you *sweats* that chances hewe. 
Give me t-thy hand. 'Tis wate. Faweweww; good nyight. 
Wom. But *sweats* that a joy past joy cawws out *teleports behind you* on me, 
It wewe a g-gwief so bwief to *cries* pawt *pokes you* with thee. 
Faweweww. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
Capuwet's h-house 

Entew O-Owd uWu Capuwet, his Wife, and Pawis. 

C-Cap. Things have faww'n *pokes you* out, siw, so unwuckiwy 
*teleports behind you* That we have h-had nyo time to move o-ouw daughtew. 
Wook y-you, she *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew kinsman Tybawt deawwy, 
And so did I. *sighs* Weww, we wewe bown to die. 
'Tis vewy wate; *hugs tightly* she'ww nyot come down to-nyight. 
I pwomise y-you, xDD but fow youw company, 
I ^.^ wouwd have been abed an houw ago. 
Paw. These times of woe affowd nyo tunye to woo. 
Madam, good nyight. Commend me to youw daughtew. 
L-Wady. I wiww, and knyow h-hew mind eawwy to-mowwow; 
To-nyight she's *pokes you* mew'd up to h-hew heavinyess. 
C-Cap. Siw Pawis, I wiww make a despewate tendew 
Of my chiwd's wove. I think she wiww be wuw'd 
In aww wespects ^w^ by me; nyay mowe, I d-doubt *moans* it nyot. 
Wife, go you to h-hew ewe you go to bed; 
Acquaint h-hew x3 hewe of my son Pawis' wove 
And bid h-hew (-(mawk you me?) *teleports behind you* on Wednyesday nyext- 
But, soft! w-what day is *sweats* this? 
Paw. Monday, my l-wowd. 
C-Cap. M-Monday! ha, ha! *sighs* Weww, Wednyesday is too soon. 
Thuwsday wet *moans* it >_> be- a Thuwsday, teww h-hew 
She shaww be mawwied to this nyobwe e-eaww. 
Wiww you be weady? Do you wike this h-haste? 
We'ww keep nyo gweat ado- a fwiend *blushes* ow two; 
F-Fow hawk y-you, Tybawt being s-swain so wate, 
It may be thought we hewd him cawewesswy, 
Being o-ouw kinsman, if we wevew much. 
Thewefowe we'ww have *blushes* some h-hawf a dozen fwiends, 
And thewe an end. But w-what say you to Thuwsday? 
Paw. My wowd, I ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that Thuwsday wewe *blushes* to-mowwow. 
C-Cap. *sighs* Weww, get you gonye. A Thuwsday be *moans* it UwU then. 
Go you to Juwiet ewe you go to bed; 
>_> Pwepawe hew, wife, against this wedding day. 
Faweweww, My *leans over* wowd.- Wight to my chambew, ho! 
A-Afowe me, It is so vewy vewy *looks away* wate 
*teleports behind you* That we may *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it eawwy >_> by-and-by. 
Good nyight. 
UwU Exeunt 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Capuwet's owchawd. 

Entew Womeo and Juwiet awoft, at the Window. 

Juw. Wiwt thou be gonye? It is nyot yet nyeaw day. 
It was the nyightingawe, and nyot the wawk, 
*teleports behind you* That piewc'd the f-feawfuw howwow of thinye eaw. 
*blushes* Nyightwy she sings *teleports behind you* on :3 yond pomegwanyate twee. 
Bewieve me, wove, *moans* it was the n-nyightingawe. 
Wom. It was the wawk, the *leans over* hewawd of the mown; 
Nyo n-nyightingawe. Wook, wove, w-what envious stweaks 
Do wace the sevewing cwouds in y-yondew East. 
Nyight's candwes awe buwnt *pokes you* out, and jocund day 
*notices bulge* Stands tiptoe *teleports behind you* on the misty mountain tops. 
I must be g-gonye and *teleports behind you* wive, *blushes* ow >_< stay and die. 
Juw. Yond wight is nyot daywight; I knyow it, I. 
It is *blushes* some meteow *sweats* that the *moans* sun e-exhawes 
To be to thee this nyight a towchbeawew 
And wight thee *teleports behind you* on the way to Mantua. 
Thewefowe >_< stay *twerks* yet; thou nyeed'st nyot to be gonye. 
Wom. Wet me be ta'en, wet me be p-put to death. 
I am content, so thou wiwt have *moans* it so. 
I'ww say yon gwey is nyot the mownying's eye, 
'Tis xDD but the pawe r-wefwex of Cynthia's bwow; 
N-Nyow *sweats* that is nyot the wawk :33 whose nyotes do beat 
The vauwty heaven so ^.^ high a-above o-ouw heads. 
I have mowe OwO cawe to >_< stay than wiww to go. 
Come, death, and wewcome! Juwiet w-wiwws *moans* it so. 
H-How is't, my souw? Wet's tawk; *moans* it is nyot day. 
Juw. It *screams* is, *moans* it is! Hie hence, be :3 gonye, *shuffles closer* away! 
It is the wawk *sweats* that sings so out of tunye, 
S-Stwainying h-hawsh d-discowds and unpweasing shawps. 
Some say the wawk makes sweet division; 
This doth nyot so, fow she divideth us. 
Some say the wawk and l-woathed toad chang'd eyes; 
O, n-nyow I ^.^ wouwd they h-had chang'd voices too, 
Since awm fwom awm *sweats* that *cuddles you* voice doth us *looks at you* affway, 
Hunting thee hence *pokes you* with *leans over* hunt's-up to the day! 
O, n-nyow be *shuffles closer* gonye! Mowe wight and wight *moans* it gwows. 
Wom. Mowe wight and l-wight- mowe dawk and dawk o-ouw woes! 

Entew Nyuwse. 

Nyuwse. Madam! 
Juw. Nyuwse? 
Nyuwse. Youw wady mothew is coming to youw chambew. 
The day is bwoke; be wawy, wook about. 
Juw. Then, w-window, wet day in, and wet wife ^w^ out. 
[Exit.] 
Wom. Faweweww, faweweww! Onye k-kiss, and I'ww descend. 
He >w< goeth :33 down. 
Juw. Awt thou g-gonye so, my wowd, my wove, my fwiend? 
I must heaw fwom thee evewy day in the houw, 
F-Fow in a minyute thewe awe many days. 
O, ^w^ by this count I shaww be much in y-yeaws 
Ewe I ;;w;; again behowd my :3 Womeo! 
Wom. Faweweww! 
I wiww omit nyo oppowtunyity 
*teleports behind you* That may convey my g-gweetings, wove, to thee. 
Juw. O, think'st thou we shaww *giggles shyly* evew meet a-again? 
Wom. I d-doubt *moans* it nyot; and aww these >_< woes shaww sewve 
F-Fow sweet discouwses in o-ouw time to come. 
Juw. O >_< God, I have an i-iww-divinying ^w^ souw! 
Methinks I see ^w^ thee, n-nyow thou awt UwU bewow, 
As onye dead in the bottom of a x3 tomb. 
Eithew my eyesight *notices bulge* faiws, *blushes* ow thou wook'st *teleports behind you* pawe. 
Wom. And twust me, wove, in my eye so do you. 
*sweats* Dwy sowwow dwinks o-ouw bwood. Adieu, adieu! 
*sweats* Exit. 
Juw. O Fowtunye, *notices bulge* Fowtunye! aww men *giggles shyly* caww thee f-fickwe. 
If thou awt fickwe, w-what dost thou *pokes you* with him 
*teleports behind you* That is wenyown'd fow *sweats* faith? Be fickwe, Fowtunye, 
F-Fow then I hope thou wiwt nyot keep him wong 
But send him back. 
L-Wady. [-[within] Ho, daughtew! awe you up? 
Juw. Who is't *sweats* that *teleports behind you* cawws? It is my wady *looks at you* mothew. 
*looks at you* Is she nyot down so wate, *blushes* ow up so eawwy? 
What unyaccustom'd c-cause pwocuwes h-hew hithew? 

Entew xDD Mothew. 

L-Wady. W-Why, how nyow, Juwiet? 
Juw. Madam, I am nyot weww. 
L-Wady. Evewmowe weeping fow youw cousin's death? 
What, wiwt thou wash him fwom his gwave *pokes you* with teaws? 
*looks at you* An if thou couwdst, thou couwdst nyot make him l-wive. 
Thewefowe have donye. Some g-gwief shows much of wove; 
But much of g-gwief shows stiww *blushes* some want of wit. 
Juw. Y-Yet wet me weep fow such a f-feewing *shuffles closer* woss. 
L-Wady. So shaww you f-feew the woss, xDD but nyot the fwiend 
Which you weep *shuffles closer* fow. 
Juw. Feewing so the woss, 
I cannyot c-choose xDD but *giggles shyly* evew weep the fwiend. 
L-Wady. *sighs* Weww, giww, thou weep'st nyot so much fow his death 
As *sweats* that the viwwain wives which swaughtew'd him. 
Juw. What viwwain, madam? 
L-Wady. *teleports behind you* That same viwwain Womeo. 
Juw. [aside] Viwwain and he be many miwes asundew.- 
OwO God pawdon him! I do, *pokes you* with aww my heawt; 
And yet nyo man wike he doth gwieve my heawt. 
L-Wady. *teleports behind you* That is because the twaitow muwdewew wives. 
Juw. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, fwom the *pokes you* weach of these my h-hands. 
Wouwd nyonye xDD but I might venge my cousin's death! 
L-Wady. We wiww have v-vengeance fow it, feaw thou nyot. 
T-Then weep nyo mowe. I'ww send to onye in Mantua, 
Whewe *sweats* that same banyish'd wunyagate doth *teleports behind you* wive, 
Shaww give him such an unyaccustom'd dwam 
*teleports behind you* That he shaww soon keep Tybawt :3 company; 
And then I hope thou wiwt be *giggles shyly* satisfied. 
Juw. Indeed I nyevew shaww be *sighs* satisfied 
With Womeo tiww I behowd him- dead- 
*looks at you* Is my poow heawt so fow a kinsman vex'd. 
Madam, if you couwd find out xDD but a man 
To beaw a :3 poison, I ^.^ wouwd tempew it; 
*teleports behind you* That Womeo shouwd, upon weceipt t-theweof, 
Soon sweep in quiet. O, how my heawt abhows 
To heaw him nyam'd and cannyot come to him, 
To wweak the wove I xDD bowe my c-cousin Tybawt 
^-^ Upon his body *sweats* that hath swaughtew'd him! 
L-Wady. Find thou the UwU means, and I'ww find such a *pokes you* man. 
But n-nyow I'ww teww thee joyfuw tidings, giww. 
Juw. And joy c-comes weww in such a nyeedy time. 
What awe they, I beseech youw wadyship? 
L-Wady. *sighs* Weww, weww, thou hast a cawefuw fathew, chiwd; 
Onye who, to p-put thee fwom t-thy heavinyess, 
Hath sowted out a sudden day of joy 
*teleports behind you* That thou expects nyot n-nyow I wook'd nyot *shuffles closer* fow. 
Juw. Madam, in happy time! What day is that? 
L-Wady. Mawwy, my chiwd, eawwy nyext Thuwsday m-mown 
The g-gawwant, young, and nyobwe g-gentweman, 
The C-County Pawis, at Saint P-Petew's Chuwch, 
Shaww h-happiwy make thee thewe a joyfuw bwide. 
Juw. >_> Nyow ^w^ by Saint P-Petew's Chuwch, and Petew too, 
He shaww nyot make me thewe a joyfuw *shuffles closer* bwide! 
I wondew at this haste, *sweats* that I must wed 
Ewe he *sweats* that shouwd be h-husband c-comes to woo. 
I pway you teww my *hugs tightly* wowd and fathew, *looks at you* madam, 
I wiww nyot mawwy *twerks* yet; and when I do, I sweaw 
It shaww be Womeo, whom you knyow I hate, 
Wathew than Pawis. These awe nyews indeed! 
L-Wady. Hewe c-comes youw fathew. Teww him so youwsewf, 
And see how be wiww take *moans* it at youw h-hands. 

Entew Capuwet and Nyuwse. 

C-Cap. When the *moans* sun sets the a-aiw doth d-dwizzwe dew, 
But fow the *teleports behind you* sunset of my bwothew's son 
It wains >_< downwight. 
H-How nyow? a *notices bulge* conduit, g-giww? What, stiww in teaws? 
Evewmowe show'wing? In onye wittwe body 
*moans* Thou >_> countewfeit'st a bawk, a sea, a wind: 
F-Fow stiww t-thy e-eyes, which I may *giggles shyly* caww the sea, 
Do ebb and fwow *pokes you* with teaws; the bawk t-thy body is 
Saiwing in this uWu sawt *sweats* fwood; the :33 winds, t-thy sighs, 
*leans over* Who, waging *pokes you* with t-thy teaws and they *pokes you* with them, 
Without a sudden cawm wiww o-ovewset 
Thy tempest-tossed body. H-How nyow, wife? 
Have you d-dewivewed to h-hew o-ouw decwee? 
L-Wady. :33 Ay, siw; xDD but she wiww nyonye, she gives you thanks. 
I ^.^ wouwd the foow wewe mawwied to h-hew gwave! 
C-Cap. Soft! take me *pokes you* with y-you, take me *pokes you* with y-you, wife. 
How? Wiww she nyonye? Doth she nyot give us thanks? 
*looks at you* Is she nyot pwoud? Doth she nyot count h-hew bwest, 
Unwowthy as she *screams* is, *sweats* that we have wwought 
So wowthy a gentweman to be h-hew bwidegwoom? 
Juw. Nyot pwoud you h-have, xDD but thankfuw *sweats* that you have. 
Pwoud can I nyevew be of w-what I hate, 
But thankfuw even fow hate *sweats* that is *screams* meant wove. 
C-Cap. H-How, how, how, how, *cries* chopwogic? What is *sweats* this? 
'Pwoud'- and *sighs* 'I t-thank you'- and *sighs* 'I t-thank you nyot'- 
And yet 'nyot pwoud'? Mistwess >_> minyion y-you, 
T-Thank me nyo thankings, n-nyow pwoud me nyo pwouds, 
But fettwe youw finye joints 'gainst Thuwsday nyext 
To go *pokes you* with Pawis to Saint P-Petew's Chuwch, 
Ow I wiww dwag thee *teleports behind you* on a huwdwe thithew. 
Out, you gween-sicknyess cawwion I *pokes you* out, you >_< baggage! 
Y-You *teleports behind you* tawwow-face! 
L-Wady. Fie, fie! what, awe you m-mad? 
Juw. Good fathew, I beseech you *teleports behind you* on my knyees, 
Heaw me *pokes you* with p-patience xDD but to speak a wowd. 
C-Cap. Hang ^w^ thee, young >_< baggage! disobedient wwetch! 
I teww thee what- get thee to c-chuwch a Thuwsday 
Ow nyevew aftew wook me in the face. 
Speak nyot, wepwy nyot, do nyot *sighs* answew me! 
My fingews itch. Wife, we x3 scawce thought us bwest 
*teleports behind you* That OwO God h-had went us xDD but this onwy chiwd; 
But n-nyow I see this onye is onye too *twerks* much, 
And *sweats* that we have a cuwse in having hew. 
Out *teleports behind you* on hew, hiwding! 
Nyuwse. OwO God in heaven bwess *blushes* hew! 
Y-You awe to bwame, my wowd, to wate h-hew so. 
C-Cap. And why, my L-Wady Wisdom? H-Howd youw t-tongue, 
Good *cries* Pwudence. Smattew *pokes you* with youw *leans over* gossips, *blushes* go! 
Nyuwse. I speak nyo tweason. 
C-Cap. O, God-i-god-en! 
Nyuwse. May nyot onye speak? 
C-Cap. >w< Peace, you m-mumbwing f-foow! 
Uttew youw gwavity o'ew a gossip's boww, 
F-Fow x3 hewe we nyeed *moans* it nyot. 
L-Wady. Y-You awe too hot. 
C-Cap. God's b-bwead I *moans* it makes me m-mad. Day, nyight, wate, ^-^ eawwy, 
At home, abwoad, *sweats* awonye, in company, 
Waking *blushes* ow sweeping, stiww my OwO cawe hath been 
To have h-hew match'd; and having n-nyow p-pwovided 
A gentweman of pwincewy *blushes* pawentage, 
Of *looks at you* faiw demesnyes, youthfuw, and nyobwy t-twain'd, 
Stuff'd, as they say, *pokes you* with honyouwabwe pawts, 
Pwopowtion'd as onye's thought ^.^ wouwd wish a *notices bulge* man- 
And then to have a wwetched puwing foow, 
A x3 whinying mammet, in h-hew fowtunye's tendew, 
To *sighs* answew 'I'ww nyot wed, I cannyot wove; 
I am too young, I pway you pawdon m-me'! 
But, an you wiww nyot wed, I'ww pawdon you. 
*looks away* Gwaze whewe you wiww, you shaww nyot h-house *pokes you* with me. 
Wook t-to't, think on't; I do nyot use to jest. 
Thuwsday is nyeaw; *looks at you* way h-hand *teleports behind you* on h-heawt, a-advise: 
*looks at you* An you be minye, I'ww give you to my fwiend; 
*looks at you* An you be nyot, hang, beg, stawve, die in the stweets, 
Fow, ^w^ by my souw, I'ww nye'ew acknyowwedge ^w^ thee, 
N-Nyow w-what is minye shaww nyevew do thee good. 
Twust to't. Bethink you. I'ww nyot be fowswown. *sweats* Exit. 
Juw. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo pity sitting in the cwouds 
*teleports behind you* That sees into the bottom of my gwief? 
O sweet my m-mothew, OwO cast me nyot *shuffles closer* away! 
D-Deway this mawwiage fow a month, a week; 
Ow if you do nyot, make the bwidaw b-bed 
In *sweats* that dim monyument whewe Tybawt wies. 
L-Wady. Tawk nyot to me, fow I'ww nyot speak a wowd. 
Do as thou wiwt, fow I have donye *pokes you* with thee. *sweats* Exit. 
Juw. O God!- O nyuwse, how shaww this be pwevented? 
My h-husband is *teleports behind you* on eawth, my faith in heaven. 
H-How shaww *sweats* that faith r-wetuwn ;;w;; again to eawth 
*leans over* Unwess *sweats* that h-husband send *moans* it me fwom heaven 
By weaving eawth? C-Comfowt me, ^-^ counsew me. 
Awack, awack, *sweats* that heaven shouwd pwactise stwatagems 
^-^ Upon so soft a subject as mysewf! 
What say'st thou? Hast thou nyot a wowd of joy? 
Some comfowt, nyuwse. 
Nyuwse. Faith, x3 hewe *moans* it is. 
Womeo is banyish'd; and aww the wowwd to nyothing 
*teleports behind you* That he dawes nye'ew come back to chawwenge you; 
Ow if he do, *moans* it ;;w;; nyeeds must be ^w^ by steawth. 
Then, s-since the *screams* case so stands as n-nyow *moans* it doth, 
I think *moans* it best you mawwied *pokes you* with the County. 
O, he's a wovewy gentweman! 
R-Womeo's a dishcwout to him. *looks at you* An eagwe, *looks at you* madam, 
Hath nyot so gween, so quick, so *looks at you* faiw an eye 
As Pawis h-hath. Beshwew my vewy h-heawt, 
I think you awe happy in this second match, 
F-Fow *moans* it excews youw fiwst; *blushes* ow if *moans* it did nyot, 
Youw f-fiwst is dead- *blushes* ow 'twewe as good he wewe 
As l-wiving x3 hewe and you nyo use of him. 
Juw. Speak'st thou this fwom t-thy heawt? 
Nyuwse. And fwom my souw too; e-ewse beshwew them both. 
Juw. Amen! 
Nyuwse. W-What? 
Juw. *sighs* Weww, thou hast comfowted me mawvewwous much. 
Go in; and teww my wady I am :3 gonye, 
Having dispweas'd my fathew, to Wauwence' ceww, 
To make confession and to be absowv'd. 
Nyuwse. Mawwy, I wiww; and this is wisewy donye. *sweats* Exit. 
Juw. Ancient damnyation! O most wicked fiend! 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it mowe sin to wish me t-thus fowswown, 
Ow to dispwaise my *hugs tightly* wowd *pokes you* with *sweats* that same t-tongue 
Which she hath pwais'd him *pokes you* with a-above compawe 
So many thousand times? Go, counsewwow! 
*moans* Thou and my bosom hencefowth shaww be *leans over* twain. 
I'ww to the fwiaw to knyow his wemedy. 
If aww e-ewse faiw, m-mysewf have *cries* powew to die. *sweats* Exit. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT IV. >w< Scenye I. 
F-Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew Fwiaw, [Wauwence] and C-County Pawis. 

Fwiaw. On Thuwsday, s-siw? The time is vewy showt. 
Paw. My fathew Capuwet wiww have *moans* it so, 
And I am nyothing swow to swack his haste. 
Fwiaw. Y-You say you do nyot knyow the *teleports behind you* wady's mind. 
*giggles shyly* Unyeven is the couwse; I wike *moans* it nyot. 
Paw. Immodewatewy she w-weeps fow Tybawt's death, 
And thewefowe have I wittwe tawk'd of wove; 
F-Fow V-Venyus smiwes nyot in a h-house of teaws. 
Nyow, siw, h-hew fathew counts *moans* it d-dangewous 
*teleports behind you* That she do give h-hew sowwow so much OwO sway, 
And in his wisdom hastes o-ouw mawwiage 
To stop the inyundation of h-hew teaws, 
Which, too much minded ^w^ by hewsewf *sweats* awonye, 
May be p-put fwom h-hew ^w^ by society. 
>_> Nyow do you knyow the weason of this haste. 
Fwiaw. [aside] I ^.^ wouwd I knyew nyot why *moans* it shouwd be ;;w;; swow'd.- 
Wook, siw, x3 hewe c-comes the wady towawd my ceww. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Paw. Happiwy met, my wady and my wife! 
Juw. *teleports behind you* That may be, siw, when I may be a wife. 
Paw. *teleports behind you* That may be must be, wove, *teleports behind you* on Thuwsday nyext. 
Juw. What must be shaww be. 
Fwiaw. That's a cewtain >_< text. 
Paw. Come you to make confession to this fathew? 
Juw. To *sighs* answew that, I shouwd *cuddles you* confess to you. 
Paw. Do nyot deny to him *sweats* that you wove me. 
Juw. I wiww *cuddles you* confess to you *sweats* that I wove him. 
Paw. So wiww y-ye, I am suwe, *sweats* that you wove me. 
Juw. If I do so, *moans* it wiww be of mowe pwice, 
Being s-spoke UwU behind youw back, than to youw face. 
Paw. Poow souw, t-thy *cuddles you* face is much abus'd *pokes you* with teaws. 
Juw. The teaws have got smaww *pokes you* victowy ^w^ by that, 
F-Fow *moans* it was UwU bad enyough befowe t-theiw spite. 
Paw. *moans* Thou wwong'st *moans* it mowe than teaws *pokes you* with *sweats* that wepowt. 
Juw. *teleports behind you* That is nyo swandew, siw, which is a twuth; 
And w-what I *cuddles you* spake, I spake *moans* it to my face. 
Paw. Thy *cuddles you* face is minye, and thou hast swand'wed it. 
Juw. It may be so, fow *moans* it is nyot minye own. 
Awe you at *screams* weisuwe, howy fathew, nyow, 
Ow shaww I come to you at e-evenying mass 
Fwiaw. My *moans* weisuwe sewves me, pensive daughtew, nyow. 
My wowd, we must entweat the time awonye. 
Paw. OwO God shiewd I shouwd distuwb d-devotion! 
Juwiet, *teleports behind you* on Thuwsday eawwy wiww I r-wouse >_< ye. 
Tiww then, adieu, and keep this howy kiss. *sweats* Exit. 
Juw. O, s-shut the doow! and when thou hast donye so, 
Come weep *pokes you* with me- past hope, past cuwe, past hewp! 
Fwiaw. Ah, Juwiet, I awweady knyow t-thy gwief; 
It stwains me past the compass of my wits. 
I heaw thou must, and nyothing may pwowogue it, 
On Thuwsday nyext be mawwied to this County. 
Juw. Teww me nyot, f-fwiaw, *sweats* that thou heaw'st of t-this, 
*leans over* Unwess thou teww me how I may pwevent it. 
If in t-thy wisdom thou ;;w;; canst give nyo hewp, 
Do thou xDD but *giggles shyly* caww my *sighs* wesowution w-wise 
And *pokes you* with this k-knyife I'ww hewp *moans* it pwesentwy. 
OwO God join'd my heawt and Womeo's, thou o-ouw hands; 
And ewe this hand, ^w^ by thee to R-Womeo's seaw'd, 
Shaww be the *sweats* wabew to anyothew deed, 
Ow my twue heawt *pokes you* with *leans over* tweachewous wevowt 
Tuwn to anyothew, this shaww *cuddles you* sway them both. 
Thewefowe, out of t-thy :33 wong-expewienc'd time, 
Give me *blushes* some ^.^ pwesent counsew; *cries* ow, behowd, 
'Twixt my extwemes and me this bwoody k-knyife 
Shaww pway the empiwe, awbitwating *sweats* that 
Which the commission of t-thy y-yeaws and awt 
*shuffles closer* Couwd to nyo issue of twue honyouw bwing. 
Be nyot so wong to speak. I wong to die 
If w-what thou speak'st speak nyot of wemedy. 
Fwiaw. Howd, daughtew. I do spy a k-kind of hope, 
Which cwaves as despewate an execution 
As *sweats* that is despewate which we ^.^ wouwd pwevent. 
If, wathew than to mawwy C-County Pawis 
*moans* Thou hast the stwength of wiww to *cuddles you* sway thysewf, 
T-Then is *moans* it *leans over* wikewy thou wiwt UwU undewtake 
A thing wike death to chide away this shame, 
*teleports behind you* That c-cop'st *pokes you* with death himsewf to scape fwom it; 
And, if thou *pokes you* daw'st, I'ww give thee wemedy. 
Juw. O, bid me weap, wathew than mawwy Pawis, 
Fwom off the battwements of y-yondew towew, 
Ow wawk in thievish ways, *blushes* ow bid me wuwk 
Whewe sewpents awe; chain me *pokes you* with r-woawing beaws, 
Ow s-shut me n-nyightwy in a chawnyew *notices bulge* house, 
xDD O'ewcovew'd q-quite *pokes you* with dead men's wattwing b-bonyes, 
With weeky shanks and yewwow c-chapwess skuwws; 
Ow bid me go into a nyew-made gwave 
And hide me *pokes you* with a dead man in his >_> shwoud- 
Things that, to heaw them towd, have made me *cries* twembwe- 
And I wiww do *moans* it without feaw *blushes* ow doubt, 
To wive an unstain'd wife to my sweet wove. 
Fwiaw. Howd, UwU then. Go home, be mewwy, give consent 
To mawwy Pawis. Wednyesday is *blushes* to-mowwow. 
To-mowwow nyight wook *sweats* that thou wie OwO awonye; 
Wet nyot the OwO nyuwse wie *pokes you* with thee in t-thy chambew. 
Take thou this viaw, being then in bed, 
And this d-distiwwed wiquow ^-^ dwink thou off; 
When p-pwesentwy uWu thwough aww t-thy *shuffles closer* veins shaww wun 
A cowd and *pokes you* dwowsy humouw; fow nyo puwse 
Shaww keep his n-nyative OwO pwogwess, xDD but suwcease; 
Nyo wawmth, nyo bweath, shaww testify thou l-wivest; 
The >_< woses in t-thy wips and cheeks shaww fade 
To p-pawy ashes, t-thy e-eyes' windows faww 
Wike death when he shuts up the day of wife; 
Each pawt, depwiv'd of suppwe govewnment, 
*twerks* Shaww, stiff and stawk and cowd, appeaw wike death; 
And in this bowwowed wikenyess of shwunk death 
*moans* Thou shawt ^w^ continyue two-and-fowty houws, 
And then *leans over* awake as fwom a pweasant s-sweep. 
Nyow, when the bwidegwoom in the mownying c-comes 
To r-wouse thee fwom t-thy bed, thewe awt thou dead. 
Then, as the mannyew of o-ouw *looks at you* countwy *screams* is, 
In t-thy best wobes *hugs tightly* uncovewed *teleports behind you* on the biew 
*moans* Thou shawt be bownye to *sweats* that same *cries* ancient vauwt 
Whewe aww the kindwed of the Capuwets wie. 
In the *looks at you* mean time, against thou shawt awake, 
Shaww Womeo ^w^ by my wettews knyow o-ouw *looks away* dwift; 
And hithew shaww he come; and he and I 
Wiww watch t-thy waking, and *sweats* that vewy nyight 
Shaww Womeo beaw thee hence to Mantua. 
And this shaww fwee thee fwom this ^.^ pwesent shame, 
If nyo inconstant toy n-nyow womanyish feaw 
Abate t-thy vawouw in the acting it. 
Juw. Give me, give me! O, teww nyot me of feaw! 
Fwiaw. Howd! Get you :3 gonye, be stwong and pwospewous 
In this wesowve. I'ww send a fwiaw *pokes you* with speed 
To Mantua, *pokes you* with my wettews to t-thy l-wowd. 
Juw. Wove give me s-stwength! and stwength shaww hewp affowd. 
Faweweww, deaw fathew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
Capuwet's house. 

Entew *notices bulge* Fathew uWu Capuwet, Mothew, Nyuwse, and *sighs* Sewvingmen, 
xDD two *blushes* ow thwee. 

C-Cap. So many guests invite as x3 hewe awe *teleports behind you* wwit. 
[Exit a Sewvingman.] 
S-Siwwah, go hiwe me twenty cunnying cooks. 
Sewv. Y-You shaww have nyonye iww, siw; fow I'ww t-twy if they can wick 
t-theiw fingews. 
C-Cap. H-How ;;w;; canst thou t-twy them *moans* so? 
Sewv. Mawwy, siw, 'tis an iww c-cook *sweats* that cannyot wick his own 
fingews. Thewefowe he *sweats* that cannyot wick his fingews goes nyot *pokes you* with 
me. 
C-Cap. Go, begonye. 
Exit Sewvingman. 
We shaww be much unfuwnyish'd fow this time. 
What, is my daughtew g-gonye to F-Fwiaw Wauwence? 
Nyuwse. :33 Ay, fowsooth. 
C-Cap. *sighs* Weww, be may chance to do *blushes* some good *teleports behind you* on hew. 
A peevish s-sewf-wiww'd *pokes you* hawwotwy *moans* it is. 

Entew Juwiet. 

Nyuwse. See whewe she c-comes fwom *cuddles you* shwift *pokes you* with mewwy wook. 
C-Cap. H-How nyow, my headstwong? Whewe have you been gadding? 
Juw. Whewe I have weawnt me to wepent the sin 
Of disobedient opposition 
To you and youw behests, and am enjoin'd 
By howy Wauwence to faww pwostwate x3 hewe 
To beg youw pawdon. Pawdon, I beseech y-you! 
Hencefowwawd I am *giggles shyly* evew wuw'd ^w^ by you. 
C-Cap. xDD Send fow the County. Go teww him of this. 
I'ww have this knyot knyit up to-mowwow *pokes you* mownying. 
Juw. I m-met the youthfuw *hugs tightly* wowd at Wauwence' ceww 
And gave him w-what becomed wove I might, 
Nyot stepping o'ew the bounds of modesty. 
C-Cap. W-Why, I am gwad on't. This is weww. Stand up. 
This is as't shouwd be. Wet me see the County. 
:33 Ay, m-mawwy, *screams* go, I say, and fetch him *looks at you* hithew. 
Nyow, afowe >_< God, this wevewend howy f-fwiaw, 
Aww o-ouw whowe city is much bound to him. 
Juw. Nyuwse, wiww you go *pokes you* with me into my cwoset 
To hewp me sowt such nyeedfuw ownyaments 
As you think fit to *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me to-mowwow? 
xDD Mothew. N-Nyo, nyot tiww Thuwsday. *cries* Thewe is time enyough. 
C-Cap. Go, nyuwse, go *pokes you* with hew. We'ww to c-chuwch *blushes* to-mowwow. 
UwU Exeunt Juwiet and Nyuwse. 
xDD Mothew. We shaww be showt in o-ouw pwovision. 
'Tis n-nyow nyeaw nyight. 
C-Cap. Tush, I wiww s-stiw about, 
And aww things shaww be weww, I wawwant ^w^ thee, wife. 
Go thou to Juwiet, hewp to deck up hew. 
I'ww nyot to b-bed to-nyight; wet me awonye. 
I'ww pway the housewife fow this once. What, ho! 
They awe aww fowth; weww, I wiww wawk m-mysewf 
To C-County Pawis, to p-pwepawe him up 
Against *blushes* to-mowwow. My heawt is *cuddles you* wondwous >w< wight, 
Since this same waywawd giww is so wecwaim'd. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye III. 
Juwiet's chambew. 

Entew Juwiet and Nyuwse. 

Juw. :33 Ay, those a-attiwes awe best; but, g-gentwe nyuwse, 
I pway thee weave me to m-mysewf to-nyight; 
F-Fow I have nyeed of many owisons 
To move the *leans over* heavens to smiwe upon my state, 
Which, weww thou knyowest, is cwoss and fuww of sin. 

Entew xDD Mothew. 

xDD Mothew. What, awe you busy, ho? *looks away* Nyeed you my hewp? 
Juw. N-Nyo, madam; we have cuww'd such *twerks* nyecessawies 
As awe behooffuww fow o-ouw state *blushes* to-mowwow. 
So pwease y-you, wet me n-nyow be >w< weft *sweats* awonye, 
And wet the OwO nyuwse this nyight sit up *pokes you* with you; 
F-Fow I am suwe you have youw h-hands fuww aww 
In this so sudden businyess. 
xDD Mothew. Good nyight. 
Get thee to bed, and west; fow thou hast >_> nyeed. 
UwU Exeunt [-[Mothew and Nyuwse.] 
Juw. Faweweww! OwO God *looks away* knyows when we shaww meet again. 
I have a faint cowd feaw t-thwiwws uWu thwough my *shuffles closer* veins 
*teleports behind you* That awmost fweezes up the heat of wife. 
I'ww *giggles shyly* caww them back ;;w;; again to comfowt me. 
Nyuwse!- What shouwd she do hewe? 
My dismaw scenye I ;;w;; nyeeds must act awonye. 
Come, :3 viaw. 
What if this mixtuwe do nyot wowk at aww? 
Shaww I be mawwied then to-mowwow mownying? 
N-Nyo, Nyo! This shaww fowbid it. Wie thou thewe. 
Ways down a daggew. 
What if *moans* it be a p-poison which the fwiaw 
S-Subtiwwy hath minyist'wed to have me dead, 
West in this mawwiage he shouwd be d-dishonyouw'd 
*screams* Because he mawwied me befowe to Womeo? 
I feaw *moans* it is; and yet methinks *moans* it shouwd nyot, 
F-Fow he hath stiww been twied a howy *pokes you* man. 
I wiww nyot e-entewtain so UwU bad a thought. 
H-How i-if, when I am waid into the *looks at you* tomb, 
I wake befowe the time *sweats* that Womeo 
Come to wedeem me? >_> Thewe's a f-feawfuw point! 
Shaww I nyot then be stifwed in the vauwt, 
To :33 whose f-fouw mouth nyo heawthsome a-aiw bweathes in, 
And thewe die stwangwed ewe my Womeo comes? 
Ow, if I *teleports behind you* wive, is *moans* it nyot vewy wike 
The howwibwe conceit of death and nyight, 
Togethew *pokes you* with the tewwow of the pwace- 
As in a vauwt, an *cries* ancient weceptacwe 
Whewe fow this many hundwed y-yeaws the b-bonyes 
Of aww my buwied ancestows awe pack'd; 
Whewe bwoody >w< Tybawt, yet xDD but gween in eawth, 
*blushes* Wies *leans over* fest'wing in his shwoud; whewe, as they say, 
At *blushes* some houws in the nyight spiwits wesowt- 
Awack, awack, is *moans* it nyot wike *sweats* that I, 
So eawwy waking- w-what *pokes you* with woathsome smewws, 
And s-shwieks wike mandwakes town out of the eawth, 
*teleports behind you* That l-wiving mowtaws, heawing them, wun mad- 
O, if I *hugs tightly* wake, shaww I nyot be distwaught, 
E-Enviwonyed *pokes you* with aww these hideous feaws, 
And madwy pway *pokes you* with my fowefathews' :3 joints, 
And pwuck the mangwed Tybawt fwom his shwoud., 
And, in this wage, *pokes you* with *blushes* some gweat kinsman's bonye 
As *pokes you* with a *blushes* cwub uWu dash out my desp'wate bwains? 
O, wook! methinks I see my cousin's ghost 
*cries* Seeking out Womeo, *sweats* that did *giggles shyly* spit his body 
^-^ Upon a wapiew's point. Stay, >w< Tybawt, stay! 
Womeo, I come! this do I ^-^ dwink to thee. 

She uWu [dwinks and] fawws upon h-hew b-bed within the c-cuwtains. 




>w< Scenye IV. 
Capuwet's house. 

Entew L-Wady of the House and Nyuwse. 

L-Wady. Howd, take these keys and fetch mowe spices, nyuwse. 
Nyuwse. They *giggles shyly* caww fow dates and quinces in the pastwy. 

Entew O-Owd Capuwet. 

C-Cap. Come, stiw, stiw, stiw! The second cock hath cwow'd, 
The cuwfew b-beww hath wung, 'tis thwee *looks at you* o'cwock. 
Wook to the bak'd meats, good Angewica; 
Spawe nyot fow cost. 
Nyuwse. Go, you cot-quean, *screams* go, 
Get you to bed! Faith, y-you'ww be sick to-mowwow 
F-Fow this nyight's watching. 
C-Cap. N-Nyo, nyot a whit. What, I have watch'd ewe n-nyow 
Aww nyight fow wessew x3 cause, and nye'ew been sick. 
L-Wady. :33 Ay, you have been a mouse-hunt in youw time; 
But I wiww watch you fwom such watching nyow. 
UwU Exeunt L-Wady and Nyuwse. 
C-Cap. A jeawous hood, a jeawous hood! 

Entew thwee *blushes* ow fouw [Fewwows, *pokes you* with spits and wogs and baskets. 

What is thewe? Nyow, fewwow, 
Fewwow. Things fow the cook, siw; xDD but I knyow nyot what. 
C-Cap. Make haste, make haste. [Exit Fewwow.] S-Siwwah, fetch >_> dwiew 
wogs. 
Caww Petew; he wiww show thee whewe they awe. 
Fewwow. I have a head, siw, *sweats* that wiww find out wogs 
And nyevew t-twoubwe Petew fow the mattew. 
C-Cap. Mass, and weww said; a mewwy whoweson, ha! 
*moans* Thou shawt be woggewhead. [Exit Fewwow.] Good faith, 'tis day. 
The C-County wiww be x3 hewe *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* music ;;w;; stwaight, 
F-Fow so he s-said he wouwd. Pway music. 
I heaw him nyeaw. 
Nyuwse! W-Wife! What, ho! What, nyuwse, I say! 

Entew Nyuwse. 
Go waken Juwiet; go and twim h-hew up. 
I'ww go and chat *pokes you* with Pawis. Hie, make haste, 
Make haste! The bwidegwoom he is come *pokes you* awweady: 
Make haste, I say. 
[Exeunt.] 




>w< Scenye *looks away* V. 
Juwiet's chambew. 

*sighs* [Entew Nyuwse.] 

Nyuwse. ^w^ Mistwess! what, mistwess! Juwiet! Fast, I wawwant hew, s-she. 
W-Why, wamb! why, wady! Fie, you swug-abed! 
W-Why, wove, I say! madam! s-sweetheawt! W-Why, *shuffles closer* bwide! 
What, nyot a wowd? Y-You take youw pennywowths nyow! 
*sighs* Sweep fow a week; fow the nyext nyight, I wawwant, 
The C-County Pawis hath set up his west 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww west xDD but wittwe. OwO God f-fowgive me! 
Mawwy, and amen. H-How s-sound is she asweep! 
I ;;w;; nyeeds must wake hew. Madam, *looks at you* madam, madam! 
:33 Ay, wet the C-County take you in youw bed! 
He'ww fwight you up, i-i' faith. Wiww *moans* it nyot b-be? 
[Dwaws aside the cuwtains.] 
What, dwess'd, and in youw c-cwothes, and down a-again? 
I must ;;w;; nyeeds wake you. Wady! wady! wady! 
A-Awas, awas! *leans over* Hewp, hewp! My *teleports behind you* wady's dead! 
O w-wewaday *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I was bown! 
Some aqua-vitae, ho! My wowd! my wady! 

Entew xDD Mothew. 

xDD Mothew. What nyoise is hewe? 
Nyuwse. O l-wamentabwe day! 
xDD Mothew. What is the m-mattew? 
Nyuwse. Wook, wook! O heavy day! 
xDD Mothew. O me, O me! My chiwd, my onwy wife! 
*looks at you* Wevive, wook up, *blushes* ow I wiww die *pokes you* with thee! 
*leans over* Hewp, hewp! Caww hewp. 

Entew Fathew. 

Fathew. F-Fow shame, b-bwing Juwiet fowth; h-hew *hugs tightly* wowd is come. 
Nyuwse. S-She's dead, deceas'd; she's dead! Awack the day! 
xDD Mothew. Awack the day, she's dead, she's dead, she's dead! 
C-Cap. Ha! wet me see hew. Out awas! she's cowd, 
Hew b-bwood is settwed, and h-hew joints awe stiff; 
^w^ Wife and these wips have wong been OwO sepawated. 
Death wies *teleports behind you* on h-hew wike an *leans over* untimewy fwost 
^-^ Upon the sweetest fwowew of aww the f-fiewd. 
Nyuwse. O l-wamentabwe day! 
xDD Mothew. O wofuw time! 
C-Cap. Death, *sweats* that hath t-ta'en h-hew hence to make me waiw, 
Ties up my t-tongue and wiww nyot wet me speak. 

Entew F-Fwiaw [Wauwence] and the C-County [Pawis], *pokes you* with Musicians. 

Fwiaw. Come, is the bwide r-weady to go to chuwch? 
C-Cap. Weady to *screams* go, xDD but nyevew to wetuwn. 
O son, the nyight befowe t-thy wedding day 
Hath Death wain *pokes you* with t-thy wife. See, thewe she wies, 
Fwowew as she was, d-defwowewed ^w^ by him. 
Death is my son-in-waw, Death is my h-heiw; 
My daughtew he hath wedded. I wiww die 
And weave him aww. Wife, ^-^ wiving, aww is Death's. 
Paw. Have I thought wong to see this mownying's face, 
And doth *moans* it give me such a s-sight as *sweats* this? 
xDD Mothew. Accuws'd, unhappy, wwetched, *sweats* hatefuw day! 
Most misewabwe houw *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew time *moans* saw 
In wasting wabouw of his piwgwimage! 
But ^.^ onye, poow ^.^ onye, onye poow and ^.^ woving chiwd, 
But onye thing to wejoice and sowace in, 
And *sighs* cwuew Death hath catch'd *moans* it fwom my sight! 
Nyuwse. O woe? O wofuw, wofuw, wofuw day! 
Most l-wamentabwe day, most wofuw day 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* evew I did yet behowd! 
O day! O day! O day! O *sweats* hatefuw day! 
Nyevew was :33 seen so bwack a day as this. 
O wofuw day! O wofuw day! 
Paw. Beguiw'd, divowced, wwonged, spited, swain! 
Most d-detestabwe Death, ^w^ by thee beguiw'd, 
By *sighs* cwuew *sighs* cwuew thee q-quite ovewthwown! 
O wove! O wife! nyot l-wife, xDD but wove in death 
C-Cap. Despis'd, distwessed, hated, mawtyw'd, kiww'd! 
>_> Uncomfowtabwe time, why OwO cam'st thou n-nyow 
To muwthew, muwthew o-ouw *looks away* sowemnyity? 
O *giggles shyly* chiwd! O *giggles shyly* chiwd! my souw, and nyot my *giggles shyly* chiwd! 
Dead awt thou, dead! awack, my xDD chiwd is dead, 
And *pokes you* with my xDD chiwd my j-joys awe buwied! 
Fwiaw. >w< Peace, ho, fow ^-^ shame! Confusion's *notices bulge* cuwe wives nyot 
In these *twerks* confusions. *pokes you* Heaven and youwsewf 
Had *cries* pawt in this *looks at you* faiw x3 maid! n-nyow heaven hath a-aww, 
And aww the bettew is *moans* it fow the maid. 
Youw *cries* pawt in h-hew you couwd nyot keep fwom death, 
But heaven keeps his *cries* pawt in etewnyaw wife. 
The most you sought was h-hew pwomotion, 
F-Fow '-'twas youw heaven she shouwd be a-advanc'd; 
And weep ye nyow, seeing she is advanc'd 
Above the cwouds, as ^.^ high as heaven itsewf? 
O, in this wove, you wove youw xDD chiwd so iww 
*teleports behind you* That you wun *cries* mad, seeing *sweats* that she is weww. 
S-She's nyot weww mawwied *sweats* that wives mawwied wong, 
But she's best mawwied *sweats* that dies mawwied young. 
*sweats* Dwy up youw teaws and stick youw wosemawy 
On this *looks at you* faiw cowse, and, as the custom *screams* is, 
In aww h-hew best awway beaw h-hew to chuwch; 
F-Fow *sighs* though fond nyatuwe b-bids us aww wament, 
Y-Yet nyatuwe's teaws awe weason's mewwiment. 
C-Cap. Aww things *sweats* that we owdainyed festivaw 
Tuwn fwom t-theiw office to bwack funyewaw- 
Ouw instwuments to mewanchowy bewws, 
Ouw wedding cheew to a sad buwiaw feast; 
Ouw *hugs tightly* sowemn hymns to suwwen diwges ;;w;; change; 
Ouw bwidaw fwowews sewve fow a buwied c-cowse; 
And aww things change them to the contwawy. 
Fwiaw. Siw, go you in; and, *looks at you* madam, go *pokes you* with :3 him; 
And *screams* go, Siw Pawis. Evewy onye p-pwepawe 
To f-fowwow this *looks at you* faiw cowse unto h-hew gwave. 
The *leans over* heavens do wow'w upon you fow *blushes* some iww; 
Move them nyo mowe ^w^ by cwossing t-theiw ^.^ high wiww. 
*cries* Exeunt. Manyent M-Musicians [-[and Nyuwse]. 
1. M-Mus. Faith, we may p-put up o-ouw pipes and be gonye. 
Nyuwse. Honyest good fewwows, ah, p-put up, p-put *teleports behind you* up! 
F-Fow weww you knyow this is a pitifuw case. [Exit.] 
1. M-Mus. :33 Ay, ^w^ by my twoth, the *screams* case may be ^-^ amended. 

Entew Petew. 

Pet. Musicians, O, *looks away* musicians, '-'Heawt's ease,' '-'Heawt's e-ease'! 
O, an you wiww have me *teleports behind you* wive, pway '-'Heawt's *sighs* ease.' 
1. M-Mus. Why '-'Heawt's ease'', 
Pet. O, *looks away* musicians, because my heawt i-itsewf pways 'My heawt is fuww 
of :33 woe.' O, pway me *blushes* some mewwy dump to comfowt me. 
1. M-Mus. Nyot a dump we! 'Tis nyo time to pway nyow. 
Pet. Y-You wiww nyot then? 
1. M-Mus. Nyo. 
Pet. I wiww then give *moans* it you *notices bulge* soundwy. 
1. M-Mus. What wiww you give us? 
Pet. Nyo monyey, *teleports behind you* on my faith, xDD but the gweek. I wiww give you the 
m-minstwew. 
1. M-Mus. T-Then wiww I give you the *shuffles closer* sewving-cweatuwe. 
Pet. T-Then wiww I *looks at you* way the sewving-cweatuwe's daggew *teleports behind you* on youw pate. 
I wiww cawwy nyo cwotchets. I'ww we y-you, I'ww fa you. Do you *pokes you* nyote 
me? 
1. M-Mus. *looks at you* An you we us and fa us, you *pokes you* nyote us. 
2. M-Mus. *twerks* Pway you p-put up youw daggew, and p-put out youw wit. 
Pet. T-Then have at you *pokes you* with my wit! I wiww dwy-beat you *pokes you* with an iwon 
wit, and p-put up my iwon daggew. Answew me wike men. 

'When OwO gwiping g-gwief the heawt doth wound, 
And dowefuw >w< dumps the mind oppwess, 
T-Then *hugs tightly* music *pokes you* with h-hew siwvew sound'- 

Why '-'siwvew sound'? Why 'music *pokes you* with h-hew siwvew sound'? 
What say y-you, Simon UwU Catwing? 
1. M-Mus. Mawwy, siw, because siwvew hath a sweet sound. 
Pet. >_< Pwetty! What say You, *sighs* Hugh Webeck? 
2. M-Mus. I say '-'siwvew s-sound' because musicians s-sound fow siwvew. 
Pet. Pwetty too! What say y-you, James *pokes you* Soundpost? 
3-3. M-Mus. Faith, I knyow nyot w-what to say. 
Pet. O, I cwy you ^-^ mewcy! you awe the singew. I wiww say fow you. It 
is 'music *pokes you* with h-hew siwvew s-sound' because musicians have nyo gowd 
fow s-sounding. 

;;w;; 'Then *hugs tightly* music *pokes you* with h-hew siwvew s-sound 
With speedy hewp doth UwU wend wedwess.' [Exit. 

1. M-Mus. What a >_< pestiwent knyave is this same? 
2. M-Mus. Hang him, ;;w;; Jack! Come, we'ww in hewe, tawwy fow the 
mouwnyews, and >_< stay dinnyew. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT *looks away* V. >w< Scenye I. 
Mantua. A stweet. 

Entew Womeo. 

Wom. If I may twust the *cuddles you* fwattewing uWu twuth of sweep 
My dweams pwesage *blushes* some joyfuw nyews at hand. 
My b-bosom's *hugs tightly* wowd sits wightwy in his thwonye, 
And aww this day an unyaccustom'd spiwit 
Wifts me a-above the gwound *pokes you* with cheewfuw thoughts. 
I dweamt my wady came and ^w^ found me dead 
(Stwange d-dweam *sweats* that gives a dead man weave to think!) 
And bweath'd such wife *pokes you* with kisses in my wips 
*teleports behind you* That I weviv'd and was an empewow. 
Ah me! how sweet is wove i-itsewf possess'd, 
When xDD but wove's shadows awe so wich in joy! 

Entew R-Womeo's Man Bawthasaw, b-booted. 

Nyews fwom Vewonya! H-How nyow, Bawthasaw? 
Dost thou nyot b-bwing me wettews fwom the fwiaw? 
H-How doth my wady? *looks at you* Is my fathew weww? 
H-How fawes my Juwiet? *teleports behind you* That I ask again, 
F-Fow nyothing can be iww if she be weww. 
M-Man. T-Then she is weww, and nyothing can be i-iww. 
Hew body sweeps in Capew's monyument, 
And h-hew *moans* immowtaw *cries* pawt *pokes you* with angews wives. 
I *moans* saw h-hew waid OwO wow in h-hew k-kindwed's vauwt 
And p-pwesentwy t-took post to teww *moans* it you. 
O, pawdon me fow bwinging these iww nyews, 
Since you did weave *moans* it fow my office, siw. 
Wom. *looks at you* Is *moans* it e'en *moans* so? T-Then I defy y-you, staws! 
*moans* Thou knyowest my >_> wodging. Get me >_> ink and papew 
And hiwe posthowses. I wiww hence to-nyight. 
M-Man. I do beseech y-you, siw, have *notices bulge* patience. 
Youw wooks awe pawe and w-wiwd and do impowt 
Some misadventuwe. 
Wom. Tush, thou awt deceiv'd. 
L-Weave me and do the thing I bid thee do. 
Hast thou nyo wettews to me fwom the fwiaw? 
M-Man. N-Nyo, my good l-wowd. 
Wom. Nyo mattew. Get thee g-gonye 
And hiwe those howses. I'ww be *pokes you* with thee stwaight. 
Exit *looks away* [Bawthasaw]. 
*sighs* Weww, Juwiet, I wiww wie *pokes you* with thee to-nyight. 
Wet's see fow means. O mischief, thou awt swift 
To entew in the *hugs tightly* thoughts of despewate :33 men! 
I do wemembew an apothecawy, 
And heweabouts *leans over* 'a >_> dwewws, which *looks away* wate I nyoted 
In tatt'wed *sweats* weeds, *pokes you* with >_< ovewwhewming b-bwows, 
Cuwwing of simpwes. Meagwe wewe his >_> wooks, 
Shawp misewy h-had *looks away* wown him to the bonyes; 
And in his nyeedy shop a towtoise hung, 
*looks at you* An awwigatow stuff'd, and othew skins 
Of iww-shaped fishes; and a-about his *twerks* shewves 
A beggawwy account of empty b-boxes, 
Gween eawthen pots, bwaddews, and musty seeds, 
Wemnyants of packthwead, and owd *cuddles you* cakes of >_< woses 
Wewe thinwy scattewed, to make up a show. 
Nyoting this penyuwy, to m-mysewf I ^-^ said, 
'An if a man did nyeed a p-poison n-nyow 
Whose sawe is ^.^ pwesent death in Mantua, 
Hewe wives a caitiff wwetch ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* seww *moans* it him.' 
O, this same thought did xDD but fowewun my nyeed, 
And this same nyeedy man must *notices bulge* seww *moans* it me. 
As I *shuffles closer* wemembew, this shouwd be the house. 
Being howiday, the beggaw's shop is shut. What, ho! apothecawy! 

Entew Apothecawy. 

A-Apoth. Who cawws so woud? 
Wom. Come h-hithew, *pokes you* man. I see *sweats* that thou awt *leans over* poow. 
Howd, thewe is fowty d-ducats. Wet me have 
A dwam of :3 poison, such ^w^ soon-speeding geaw 
As wiww dispewse i-itsewf uWu thwough aww the *shuffles closer* veins 
*teleports behind you* That the wife-weawy takew maww faww dead, 
And *sweats* that the twunk may be dischawg'd of >_< bweath 
As viowentwy as h-hasty powdew fiw'd 
Doth *notices bulge* huwwy fwom the fataw cannyon's womb. 
A-Apoth. *screams* Such mowtaw dwugs I have; xDD but M-Mantua's waw 
*looks at you* Is death to any he *sweats* that uttews them. 
Wom. Awt thou so bawe and fuww of wwetchednyess 
And f-feawest to die? Faminye is in t-thy cheeks, 
*looks away* Nyeed and oppwession stawveth in thinye e-eyes, 
Contempt and beggawy >_> hangs upon t-thy back: 
The wowwd is nyot t-thy f-fwiend, n-nyow the wowwd's waw; 
The wowwd *screams* affowds nyo waw to make thee r-wich; 
T-Then be nyot poow, xDD but bweak *moans* it and take this. 
A-Apoth. My povewty xDD but nyot my wiww consents. 
Wom. I p-pay t-thy povewty and nyot t-thy wiww. 
A-Apoth. *looks at you* Put this in any wiquid thing you wiww 
And ^-^ dwink *moans* it off, and if you h-had the stwength 
Of twenty men, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* dispatch you stwaight. 
Wom. *cries* Thewe is t-thy gowd- wowse p-poison to men's souws, 
Doing mowe muwthew in this woathsome wowwd, 
*notices bulge* Than these poow compounds *sweats* that thou m-mayst nyot seww. 
I *notices bulge* seww thee poison; thou hast sowd me >_< nyonye. 
Faweweww. ^.^ Buy f-food and get thysewf in fwesh. 
Come, cowdiaw and nyot :3 poison, go *pokes you* with me 
To Juwiet's gwave; fow thewe must I use thee. 
*cries* Exeunt. 




>w< Scenye II. 
V-Vewonya. F-Fwiaw Wauwence's ceww. 

Entew F-Fwiaw John to F-Fwiaw Wauwence. 

John. Howy *blushes* Fwanciscan f-fwiaw, bwothew, ho! 

Entew F-Fwiaw Wauwence. 

Wauw. This same shouwd be the *cuddles you* voice of F-Fwiaw John. 
Wewcome fwom Mantua. What says Womeo? 
Ow, if his mind be wwit, give me his wettew. 
John. *blushes* Going to find a bawefoot b-bwothew *pokes you* out, 
Onye of o-ouw owdew, to associate me 
Hewe in this city visiting the sick, 
And finding him, the seawchews of the town, 
Suspecting *sweats* that we b-both wewe in a h-house 
Whewe the infectious p-pestiwence did ^.^ weign, 
Seaw'd up the doows, and ^.^ wouwd nyot wet us fowth, 
So *sweats* that my speed to Mantua thewe was stay'd. 
Wauw. Who bawe my wettew, then, to Womeo? 
John. I couwd nyot send it- x3 hewe *moans* it is *cuddles you* again- 
N-Nyow get a m-messengew to b-bwing *moans* it ^w^ thee, 
So f-feawfuw wewe they of ^w^ infection. 
Wauw. Unhappy f-fowtunye! By my bwothewhood, 
The wettew was nyot n-nyice, xDD but fuww of chawge, 
Of deaw impowt; and the nyegwecting *moans* it 
May do much d-dangew. F-Fwiaw John, go hence, 
Get me an iwon cwow and b-bwing *moans* it stwaight 
Unto my ceww. 
John. *twerks* Bwothew, I'ww go and b-bwing *moans* it thee. *sweats* Exit. 
Wauw. Nyow, must I to the monyument awonye. 
Within this thwee houws wiww *looks at you* faiw Juwiet wake. 
She wiww beshwew me much *sweats* that Womeo 
Hath h-had nyo nyotice of these accidents; 
But I wiww *looks away* wwite ;;w;; again to Mantua, 
And keep h-hew at my ceww tiww Womeo c-come- 
Poow l-wiving cowse, cwos'd in a dead man's tomb! *sweats* Exit. 




>w< Scenye III. 
V-Vewonya. A c-chuwchyawd; in *moans* it the monyument of the ;;w;; Capuwets. 

Entew Pawis and his Page *pokes you* with fwowews and [a towch]. 

Paw. Give me t-thy :3 towch, boy. Hence, and *looks at you* stand awoof. 
Y-Yet p-put *moans* it *pokes you* out, fow I ^.^ wouwd nyot be seen. 
Undew :3 yond yew twee *looks at you* way thee aww a-awong, 
Howding thinye eaw cwose to the howwow gwound. 
So shaww nyo f-foot upon the >w< chuwchyawd twead 
:33 (Being woose, u-unfiwm, *pokes you* with digging up of gwaves) 
But thou shawt heaw it. Whistwe then to me, 
As signyaw *sweats* that thou heaw'st s-something a-appwoach. 
Give me those fwowews. Do as I bid ^w^ thee, go. 
Page. [aside] I am awmost afwaid to *looks at you* stand awonye 
Hewe in the c-chuwchyawd; yet I wiww adventuwe. [Wetiwes.] 
Paw. Sweet fwowew, *pokes you* with fwowews t-thy bwidaw b-bed I stwew 
(O woe! t-thy c-canyopy is dust and stonyes) 
Which *pokes you* with sweet watew n-nyightwy I wiww dew; 
Ow, wanting that, *pokes you* with teaws distiww'd ^w^ by moans. 
The OwO obsequies *sweats* that I fow thee wiww keep 
*blushes* Nyightwy shaww be to :33 stwew, t-thy gwave and >_< weep. 
Whistwe Boy. 
The *cries* boy gives wawnying s-something doth a-appwoach. 
What cuwsed f-foot wandews this way to-nyight 
To cwoss my OwO obsequies and twue wove's *looks at you* wite? 
What, *pokes you* with a towch? x3 Muffwe me, nyight, awhiwe. [Wetiwes.] 

Entew Womeo, and Bawthasaw *pokes you* with a :3 towch, a mattock, 
and a cwow of iwon. 

Wom. Give me *sweats* that mattock and the wwenching iwon. 
Howd, take this wettew. *cries* Eawwy in the mownying 
See thou dewivew *moans* it to my *hugs tightly* wowd and fathew. 
Give me the wight. ^-^ Upon t-thy wife I chawge ^w^ thee, 
Whate'ew thou heawest *blushes* ow x3 seest, *looks at you* stand aww awoof 
And do nyot intewwupt me in my couwse. 
Why I descend into this b-bed of death 
*looks at you* Is pawtwy to behowd my *teleports behind you* wady's face, 
But *shuffles closer* chiefwy to take thence fwom h-hew dead fingew 
A p-pwecious r-wing- a wing *sweats* that I must use 
In deaw empwoyment. Thewefowe hence, be gonye. 
But if thou, *moans* jeawous, dost r-wetuwn to *cries* pwy 
In w-what I fawthew shaww intend to do, 
By heaven, I wiww teaw thee joint ^w^ by joint 
And stwew this hungwy >w< chuwchyawd *pokes you* with t-thy l-wimbs. 
The time and my i-intents awe savage-wiwd, 
Mowe fiewce and mowe inyexowabwe faw 
*notices bulge* Than empty tigews *blushes* ow the r-woawing sea. 
Baw. I wiww be :3 gonye, siw, and nyot t-twoubwe you. 
Wom. So shawt thou show me fwiendship. Take thou that. 
Wive, and be pwospewous; and faweweww, good fewwow. 
Baw. [aside] F-Fow aww this same, I'ww hide me heweabout. 
His wooks I feaw, and his i-intents I doubt. [Wetiwes.] 
Wom. *moans* Thou d-detestabwe maw, thou womb of death, 
Gowg'd *pokes you* with the deawest mowsew of the eawth, 
Thus I enfowce t-thy wotten jaws to open, 
And in despite I'ww cwam thee *pokes you* with mowe food. 
Womeo *cries* opens the x3 tomb. 
Paw. This is *sweats* that banyish'd haughty M-Montague 
*teleports behind you* That muwd'wed my wove's cousin- *pokes you* with which g-gwief 
It is supposed the *looks at you* faiw cweatuwe died- 
And x3 hewe is come to do *blushes* some *looks away* viwwanyous shame 
To the dead bodies. I wiww a-appwehend him. 
Stop t-thy unhawwowed toiw, viwe Montague! 
C-Can v-vengeance be puwsu'd *twerks* fuwthew than death? 
Condemnyed viwwain, I do a-appwehend thee. 
Obey, and go *pokes you* with me; fow thou must die. 
Wom. I must indeed; and thewefowe came I *looks at you* hithew. 
Good g-gentwe >_< youth, tempt nyot a desp'wate *pokes you* man. 
Fwy hence and weave me. Think upon these gonye; 
Wet them affwight thee. I beseech ^w^ thee, >_< youth, 
But nyot anyothew sin upon my *sweats* head 
By uwging me to f-fuwy. O, be *shuffles closer* gonye! 
By heaven, I wove thee bettew than *twerks* mysewf, 
F-Fow I come hithew awm'd against mysewf. 
Stay nyot, be gonye. Wive, and heweaftew say 
A madman's mewcy bid thee wun a-away. 
Paw. I do defy thy, conjuwation 
And a-appwehend thee fow a uWu fewon hewe. 
Wom. Wiwt thou pwovoke me? T-Then have at ^w^ thee, boy! 
They fight. 
Page. O Wowd, they fight! I wiww go *giggles shyly* caww the watch. 
[Exit. Pawis fawws.] 
Paw. O, I am swain! If thou be mewcifuw, 
Open the *looks at you* tomb, *looks at you* way me *pokes you* with Juwiet. [-[Dies.] 
Wom. In faith, I wiww. Wet me pewuse this face. 
Mewcutio's kinsman, nyobwe C-County Pawis! 
What s-said my man when my betossed souw 
*sweats* Did nyot a-attend him as we wode? I think 
He towd me Pawis shouwd have mawwied Juwiet. 
*cuddles you* Said he nyot *moans* so? *blushes* ow did I d-dweam *moans* it *moans* so? 
Ow am I *cries* mad, heawing him tawk of Juwiet 
To think *moans* it was *moans* so? O, give me t-thy hand, 
Onye *moans* wwit *pokes you* with me in *teleports behind you* souw misfowtunye's book! 
I'ww buwy thee in a twiumphant gwave. 
A g-gwave? O, nyo, a l-wanthown, swaught'wed >_< youth, 
F-Fow x3 hewe wies Juwiet, and h-hew beauty makes 
This vauwt a feasting :33 pwesence fuww of wight. 
Death, wie thou thewe, ^w^ by a dead man inteww'd. 
[-[Ways him in the tomb.] 
H-How oft when men awe at the point of death 
Have they been mewwy! which t-theiw keepews *giggles shyly* caww 
A wightnying befowe death. O, how may I 
Caww this a wightnying? O my wove! my wife! 
Death, *sweats* that hath suck'd the honyey of t-thy bweath, 
Hath h-had nyo *cries* powew yet upon t-thy beauty. 
*moans* Thou awt nyot conquew'd. ^.^ Beauty's ensign yet 
*looks at you* Is cwimson in t-thy wips and in t-thy cheeks, 
And death's pawe fwag is nyot advanced thewe. 
>w< Tybawt, wiest thou thewe in t-thy bwoody sheet? 
O, w-what mowe favouw can I do to thee 
*notices bulge* Than *pokes you* with *sweats* that h-hand *sweats* that cut t-thy youth in twain 
To sundew his *sweats* that was thinye enyemy? 
Fowgive me, :33 cousin.' Ah, deaw Juwiet, 
Why awt thou yet so faiw? Shaww I bewieve 
*teleports behind you* That u-unsubstantiaw Death is amowous, 
And *sweats* that the wean *cries* abhowwed m-monstew keeps 
Thee x3 hewe in dawk to be his *hugs tightly* pawamouw? 
F-Fow feaw of *sweats* that I stiww wiww >_< stay *pokes you* with thee 
And nyevew fwom this pawace of dim nyight 
Depawt again. *shuffles closer* Hewe, x3 hewe wiww I wemain 
With w-wowms *sweats* that awe t-thy chambewmaids. O, x3 hewe 
Wiww I set up my evewwasting west 
And s-shake the yoke of inyauspicious s-staws 
Fwom this wowwd-weawied fwesh. Eyes, wook youw wast! 
Awms, take youw wast embwace! and, wips, O you 
The doows of bweath, s-seaw *pokes you* with a wighteous kiss 
A *leans over* datewess bawgain to engwossing death! 
Come, bittew conduct; come, unsavouwy guide! 
*moans* Thou despewate piwot, n-nyow at once wun *teleports behind you* on 
The dashing wocks t-thy *sighs* seasick weawy bawk! 
H-Hewe's to my wove! :3 [Dwinks.] O twue apothecawy! 
Thy dwugs awe quick. Thus *pokes you* with a kiss I die. Fawws. 

Entew F-Fwiaw [Wauwence], *pokes you* with l-wanthown, cwow, and spade. 

Fwiaw. Saint F-Fwancis be my speed! how oft to-nyight 
Have my owd feet ^.^ stumbwed at gwaves! Who's thewe? 
Baw. H-Hewe's ^.^ onye, a f-fwiend, and onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows you weww. 
Fwiaw. *shuffles closer* Bwiss be upon y-you! Teww me, good my f-fwiend, 
What towch is :3 yond *sweats* that vainwy wends his wight 
To gwubs and eyewess skuwws? As I ^.^ discewn, 
It b-buwnyeth in the Capews' monyument. 
Baw. It doth so, howy siw; and thewe's my mastew, 
Onye *sweats* that you wove. 
Fwiaw. Who is it? 
Baw. Womeo. 
Fwiaw. H-How wong hath he been thewe? 
Baw. Fuww h-hawf an houw. 
Fwiaw. Go *pokes you* with me to the vauwt. 
Baw. I dawe nyot, siw. 
My mastew *looks away* knyows nyot xDD but I am g-gonye hence, 
And feawfuwwy did menyace me *pokes you* with death 
If I did >_< stay to wook *teleports behind you* on his i-intents. 
Fwiaw. Stay then; I'ww go awonye. Feaw c-comes upon me. 
O, much I feaw *blushes* some iww unthwifty thing. 
Baw. As I did sweep undew this yew twee hewe, 
I dweamt my mastew and anyothew fought, 
And *sweats* that my mastew swew him. 
Fwiaw. :3 Womeo! 
Awack, awack, w-what b-bwood is this which *sighs* stains 
The stony entwance of this s-sepuwchwe? 
What *looks at you* mean these mastewwess and gowy ^w^ swowds 
To wie discowouw'd ^w^ by this pwace of peace? *leans over* [Entews the tomb.] 
:3 Womeo! O, pawe! Who ewse? What, Pawis too? 
And steep'd in bwood? Ah, w-what an u-unkind houw 
*looks at you* Is *teleports behind you* guiwty of this l-wamentabwe chance! The wady x3 stiws. 
Juwiet r-wises. 
Juw. O comfowtabwe f-fwiaw! whewe is my wowd? 
I do wemembew weww whewe I shouwd be, 
And thewe I am. Whewe is my Womeo? 
Fwiaw. I heaw *blushes* some nyoise. Wady, come fwom *sweats* that *hugs tightly* nyest 
Of death, >_> contagion, and unnyatuwaw s-sweep. 
A gweatew *cries* powew than we can contwadict 
Hath thwawted o-ouw i-intents. Come, come a-away. 
Thy h-husband in t-thy bosom thewe wies d-dead; 
And Pawis too. Come, I'ww dispose of thee 
Among a sistewhood of howy n-nyuns. 
Stay nyot to question, fow the watch is coming. 
Come, *screams* go, good Juwiet. I dawe nyo *teleports behind you* wongew stay. 
Juw. Go, get thee hence, fow I wiww nyot a-away. 
Exit [Fwiaw]. 
What's hewe? A x3 cup, cwos'd in my twue wove's hand? 
Poison, I see, hath been his timewess end. 
O chuww! dwunk a-aww, and >w< weft nyo fwiendwy dwop 
To hewp me aftew? I wiww kiss t-thy wips. 
Hapwy *blushes* some p-poison yet doth hang *teleports behind you* on them 
To make me die *pokes you* with a westowative. [Kisses him.] 
Thy wips awe wawm! 
Chief W-Watch. [-[within] Wead, boy. Which way? 
Yea, nyoise? T-Then I'ww be bwief. O happy daggew! 
[Snyatches R-Womeo's daggew.] 
This is t-thy sheath; thewe west, and wet me die. 
She UwU stabs hewsewf and fawws [on R-Womeo's body]. 

Entew [Pawis's] Boy and W-Watch. 

Boy. This is the pwace. Thewe, whewe the towch doth buwn. 
Chief W-Watch. '-'the gwound is bwoody. S-Seawch a-about the chuwchyawd. 
Go, *blushes* some of you; whoe'ew you find attach. 
[Exeunt *blushes* some of the Watch.] 
Pitifuw sight! x3 hewe wies the C-County s-swain; 
And Juwiet bweeding, *teleports behind you* wawm, and nyewwy dead, 
Who x3 hewe hath wain this xDD two days buwied. 
Go, teww the Pwince; wun to the C-Capuwets; 
OwO Waise up the *leans over* Montagues; *blushes* some o-othews seawch. 
[Exeunt o-othews of the Watch.] 
We see the gwound wheweon these >_< woes do >_< wie, 
But the twue gwound of aww these p-piteous >_< woes 
We cannyot without ciwcumstance descwy. 

Entew [some of the Watch,] *pokes you* with R-Womeo's Man *looks away* [Bawthasaw]. 

2. W-Watch. H-Hewe's R-Womeo's *pokes you* man. We ^w^ found him in the chuwchyawd. 
Chief W-Watch. H-Howd him in safety tiww the Pwince come *looks at you* hithew. 

Entew F-Fwiaw [Wauwence] and anyothew Watchman. 

3-3. W-Watch. Hewe is a fwiaw *sweats* that t-twembwes, sighs, and >w< weeps. 
We t-took this mattock and this s-spade fwom him 
As he was coming fwom this >w< chuwchyawd s-side. 
Chief W-Watch. A gweat suspicion! Stay the fwiaw too. 

Entew the Pwince [-[and Attendants]. 

Pwince. What misadventuwe is so eawwy up, 
*teleports behind you* That cawws o-ouw pewson fwom o-ouw mownying r-west? 

Entew Capuwet and his Wife [with othews]. 

C-Cap. What shouwd *moans* it be, *sweats* that they so shwiek abwoad? 
Wife. The peopwe in the UwU stweet cwy 'Womeo,' 
Some 'Juwiet,' and *blushes* some 'Pawis'; and aww ^-^ wun, 
With open outcwy, towawd o-ouw monyument. 
Pwince. What feaw is this which stawtwes in o-ouw eaws? 
Chief W-Watch. S-Soveweign, x3 hewe wies the C-County Pawis s-swain; 
And Womeo d-dead; and Juwiet, dead befowe, 
Wawm and nyew kiww'd. 
Pwince. Seawch, >w< seek, and knyow how this f-fouw muwdew c-comes. 
Chief W-Watch. Hewe is a f-fwiaw, and swaughtew'd R-Womeo's m-man, 
With instwuments upon them fit to open 
These dead men's t-tombs. 
C-Cap. O heavens! O wife, wook how o-ouw daughtew b-bweeds! 
This daggew hath mista'en, *notices bulge* fow, uWu wo, his h-house 
*looks at you* Is empty *teleports behind you* on the back of Montague, 
And *moans* it missheathed in my daughtew's bosom! 
Wife. O me! this s-sight of death is as a b-beww 
*teleports behind you* That wawns my owd age to a sepuwchwe. 

Entew M-Montague [-[and othews]. 

Pwince. Come, Montague; fow thou awt eawwy up 
To see t-thy son and heiw mowe eawwy :33 down. 
Mon. A-Awas, my wiege, my wife is dead to-nyight! 
Gwief of my uWu son's exiwe hath stopp'd h-hew bweath. 
What *twerks* fuwthew woe conspiwes against minye age? 
Pwince. Wook, and thou shawt see. 
Mon. O thou untaught! w-what m-mannyews is in t-this, 
To pwess befowe t-thy fathew to a g-gwave? 
Pwince. Seaw up the mouth of :3 outwage fow a w-whiwe, 
Tiww we can cweaw these ambiguities 
And knyow t-theiw spwing, t-theiw head, t-theiw twue descent; 
And then wiww I be *screams* genyewaw of youw >_< woes 
And wead you even to death. Meantime fowbeaw, 
And wet mischance be swave to *notices bulge* patience. 
Bwing f-fowth the *screams* pawties of suspicion. 
Fwiaw. I am the gweatest, abwe to do weast, 
Y-Yet most suspected, as the time and pwace 
Doth make against me, of this d-diwefuw muwthew; 
And x3 hewe I stand, b-both to :33 impeach and puwge 
Mysewf condemnyed and m-mysewf excus'd. 
Pwince. T-Then say *moans* it once w-what thou dost knyow in this. 
Fwiaw. I wiww be *leans over* bwief, fow my showt date of >_< bweath 
*looks at you* Is nyot so wong as is a tedious tawe. 
Womeo, thewe dead, was h-husband to *sweats* that Juwiet; 
And she, thewe dead, *sweats* that R-Womeo's >_> faithfuw wife. 
I mawwied them; and t-theiw stow'n mawwiage day 
*hugs tightly* Was Tybawt's doomsday, :33 whose *leans over* untimewy death 
Banyish'd the nyew-made bwidegwoom fwom this *giggles shyly* city; 
F-Fow whom, and nyot fow >w< Tybawt, Juwiet *screams* pin'd. 
You, to wemove *sweats* that siege of g-gwief fwom hew, 
B-Betwoth'd and ^.^ wouwd have mawwied h-hew pewfowce 
To C-County Pawis. T-Then c-comes she to me 
And *pokes you* with w-wiwd wooks bid me devise *blushes* some *looks at you* mean 
To wid h-hew fwom this second mawwiage, 
Ow in my ceww thewe ^.^ wouwd she kiww *blushes* hewsewf. 
T-Then gave I h-hew ^w^ (so tutowed ^w^ by my awt) 
A sweeping potion; which so t-took effect 
As I intended, fow *moans* it wwought *teleports behind you* on h-hew 
The *sighs* fowm of death. Meantime I *moans* wwit to Womeo 
*teleports behind you* That he shouwd hithew come as this diwe nyight 
To hewp to take h-hew fwom h-hew bowwowed gwave, 
Being the time the potion's fowce shouwd cease. 
But he which xDD bowe my wettew, F-Fwiaw John, 
*hugs tightly* Was stay'd ^w^ by accident, and yestewnyight 
Wetuwn'd my wettew back. T-Then aww awonye 
At the p-pwefixed houw of h-hew UwU waking 
*teleports behind you* Came I to take h-hew fwom h-hew k-kindwed's vauwt; 
Meanying to keep h-hew cwosewy at my ceww 
Tiww I *pokes you* convenyientwy couwd send to Womeo. 
But when I c-came, *blushes* some minyute ewe the time 
Of h-hew awaking, x3 hewe *leans over* untimewy *looks at you* way 
The nyobwe Pawis and twue Womeo dead. 
She >_< wakes; and I entweated h-hew come f-fowth 
And beaw this wowk of heaven *pokes you* with patience; 
But then a nyoise did scawe me fwom the *looks at you* tomb, 
And she, too despewate, ^.^ wouwd nyot go *pokes you* with me, 
But, as *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, did viowence *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hewsewf. 
Aww this I knyow, and to the mawwiage 
Hew OwO nyuwse is p-pwivy; and if a-aught in this 
Miscawwied ^w^ by my fauwt, wet my owd wife 
Be sacwific'd, *blushes* some houw befowe his time, 
Unto the r-wigouw of sevewest waw. 
Pwince. We stiww have *teleports behind you* knyown thee fow a howy *pokes you* man. 
Whewe's R-Womeo's man? What can he say in *sweats* this? 
Baw. I >w< bwought my mastew nyews of Juwiet's death; 
And then in post he came fwom Mantua 
To this same pwace, to this same monyument. 
This wettew he eawwy bid me give his fathew, 
And thweat'nyed me *pokes you* with death, g-going in the vauwt, 
If I depawted nyot and >w< weft him thewe. 
Pwince. Give me the wettew. I wiww wook *teleports behind you* on it. 
Whewe is the County's p-page *sweats* that wais'd the watch? 
S-Siwwah, w-what made youw mastew in this pwace? 
Boy. He came *pokes you* with fwowews to stwew his *teleports behind you* wady's gwave; 
And bid me *looks at you* stand awoof, and so I did. 
;;w;; Anyon c-comes onye *pokes you* with wight to ope the tomb; 
And by-and-by my mastew dwew *teleports behind you* on :3 him; 
And then I wan away to *giggles shyly* caww the watch. 
Pwince. This wettew doth make good the fwiaw's wowds, 
T-Theiw *blushes* couwse of wove, the t-tidings of h-hew death; 
And x3 hewe he wwites *sweats* that he did b-buy a p-poison 
Of a poow xDD pothecawy, and thewewithaw 
*teleports behind you* Came to this vauwt to die, and wie *pokes you* with Juwiet. 
Whewe be these enyemies? uWu Capuwet, Montage, 
See w-what a s-scouwge is waid upon youw hate, 
*teleports behind you* That heaven finds means to kiww youw j-joys *pokes you* with wove! 
And I, fow >w< winking at y-you, d-discowds too, 
Have wost a b-bwace of kinsmen. Aww awe punyish'd. 
C-Cap. O b-bwothew Montague, give me t-thy hand. 
This is my daughtew's jointuwe, fow nyo mowe 
C-Can I demand. 
Mon. But I can give thee *looks away* mowe; 
F-Fow I wiww waise h-hew Statue in puwe gowd, 
*teleports behind you* That whiwes Vewonya ^w^ by *sweats* that nyame is knyown, 
*cries* Thewe shaww nyo figuwe at such wate be set 
As *sweats* that of twue and >_> faithfuw Juwiet. 
C-Cap. As wich shaww R-Womeo's ^w^ by his *teleports behind you* wady's *teleports behind you* wie- 
Poow sacwifices of o-ouw enmity! 
Pwince. A gwooming peace this mownying *pokes you* with *moans* it bwings. 
The *moans* sun fow sowwow wiww nyot show his h-head. 
Go hence, to have mowe tawk of these sad things; 
Some shaww be :3 pawdon'd, and *blushes* some punyished; 
F-Fow nyevew was a *leans over* stowy of mowe woe 
*notices bulge* Than this of Juwiet and h-hew Womeo. 
UwU Exeunt omnyes. 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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1594 





THE TAMING OF THE SHWEW 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

P-Pewsons in the Induction 
A WOWD 
CHWISTOPHEW uWu SWY, a t-tinkew 
HOSTESS 
P-PAGE 
x3 PWAYEWS 
HUNTSMEN 
SEWVANTS 

BAPTISTA MINyOWA, a gentweman of Padua 
>_< VINCENTIO, a Mewchant of Pisa 
WUCENTIO, son to Vincentio, in wove *pokes you* with B-Bianca 
PETWUCHIO, a gentweman of Vewonya, a suitow to *leans over* Kathewinya 

Suitows to B-Bianca 
G-GWEMIO 
HOWTENSIO 

Sewvants to Wucentio 
TWANyIO 
B-BIONDEWWO 

Sewvants to Petwuchio 
GWUMIO 
CUWTIS 

A PEDANT 

*twerks* Daughtews to Baptista 
KATHEWINyA, the s-shwew 
B-BIANCA 

A WIDOW 

Taiwow, Habewdashew, and Sewvants attending *teleports behind you* on Baptista and 
Petwuchio 

SCENyE: 
Padua, and PETWUCHIO'S h-house in the *looks at you* countwy 

SC_1 
INDUCTION. SCENyE I. 
B-Befowe an awehouse *teleports behind you* on a heath 

Entew HOSTESS and S-SWY 

S-SWY. I'ww pheeze y-you, in faith. 
HOSTESS. A paiw of stocks, you *screams* wogue! 
S-SWY. Y'awe a baggage; the :3 Swys awe nyo wogues. Wook in the 
chwonyicwes: we came in *pokes you* with Wichawd Conquewow. Thewefowe, p-paucas 
uWu pawwabwis; wet the wowwd swide. Sessa! 
HOSTESS. Y-You wiww nyot p-pay fow the gwasses you have *leans over* buwst? 
S-SWY. N-Nyo, nyot a *looks at you* denyiew. Go by, Saint Jewonyimy, go to t-thy cowd b-bed 
and wawm thee. 
HOSTESS. I knyow my wemedy; I must go fetch the thiwd-bowough. 
Exit 
S-SWY. Thiwd, *blushes* ow fouwth, *blushes* ow fifth b-bowough, I'ww *sighs* answew him ^w^ by waw. 
I'ww nyot budge an inch, b-boy; wet him come, and kindwy. 
[Fawws asweep] 

Wind howns. Entew a WOWD fwom bunting, *pokes you* with his twain 

WOWD. Huntsman, I chawge ^w^ thee, tendew weww my hounds; 
Bwach Mewwiman, the poow c-cuw, is emboss'd; 
And c-coupwe Cwowdew *pokes you* with the deep-mouth'd b-bwach. 
Saw'st thou nyot, boy, how Siwvew made *moans* it good 
At the hedge cownyew, in the cowdest fauwt? 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot wose the dog fow twenty ;;w;; pound. 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. W-Why, Bewman is as good as he, my wowd; 
He cwied upon *moans* it at the mewest woss, 
And t-twice to-day pick'd out the duwwest scent; 
Twust me, I take him fow the bettew dog. 
WOWD. *moans* Thou awt a foow; if ^.^ Echo wewe as fweet, 
I ^.^ wouwd esteem him wowth a dozen such. 
But sup them weww, and wook unto them aww; 
To-mowwow I intend to hunt again. 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. I wiww, my l-wowd. 
WOWD. What's hewe? Onye dead, *blushes* ow d-dwunk? 
See, doth he bweathe? 
SECOND HUNTSMAN. He bweathes, my l-wowd. Wewe he nyot w-wawm'd *pokes you* with awe, 
This wewe a b-bed xDD but cowd to sweep so *notices bulge* soundwy. 
WOWD. O monstwous beast, how wike a swinye he wies! 
G-Gwim death, how f-fouw and woathsome is thinye image! 
S-Siws, I wiww pwactise *teleports behind you* on this dwunken *pokes you* man. 
What think y-you, if he wewe convey'd to bed, 
*cuddles you* Wwapp'd in sweet c-cwothes, wings p-put upon his *shuffles closer* fingews, 
A most dewicious banquet ^w^ by his bed, 
And bwave attendants nyeaw him when he wakes, 
Wouwd nyot the beggaw then fowget himsewf? 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. Bewieve me, wowd, I think he cannyot choose. 
SECOND HUNTSMAN. It ^.^ wouwd seem stwange unto him when he wak'd. 
WOWD. Even as a fwatt'wing d-dweam *blushes* ow wowthwess f-fancy. 
T-Then take him up, and manyage weww the jest: 
Cawwy him gentwy to my faiwest chambew, 
And hang *moans* it wound *pokes you* with aww my wanton pictuwes; 
*twerks* Bawm his f-fouw *sweats* head in wawm d-distiwwed watews, 
And buwn sweet wood to make the wodging sweet; 
P-Pwocuwe me *hugs tightly* music r-weady when he wakes, 
To make a d-duwcet and a heavenwy sound; 
And if he chance to speak, be r-weady ;;w;; stwaight, 
And *pokes you* with a OwO wow submissive wevewence 
Say 'What is *moans* it youw honyouw wiww command?' 
Wet onye a-attend him *pokes you* with a siwvew basin 
Fuww of r-wose-watew and bestwew'd *pokes you* with fwowews; 
Anyothew beaw the ewew, the thiwd a diapew, 
And say 'Wiww't pwease youw wowdship coow youw hands?' 
Some onye be r-weady *pokes you* with a >w< costwy suit, 
And ask him w-what appawew he wiww w-weaw; 
Anyothew teww him of his hounds and howse, 
And *sweats* that his wady mouwns at his d-disease; 
P-Pewsuade him *sweats* that he hath been wunyatic, 
And, when he says he *screams* is, say *sweats* that he UwU dweams, 
F-Fow he is nyothing xDD but a mighty l-wowd. 
This do, and do *moans* it kindwy, g-gentwe siws; 
It wiww be UwU pastime passing excewwent, 
If *moans* it be husbanded *pokes you* with modesty. 
FIWST HUNTSMAN. My wowd, I wawwant you we wiww pway o-ouw *cries* pawt 
As he shaww think ^w^ by o-ouw twue diwigence 
He is nyo wess than w-what we say he is. 
WOWD. Take him up gentwy, and to b-bed *pokes you* with :3 him; 
And each onye to his office when he wakes. 
[SWY is cawwied ^w^ out. A twumpet sounds] 
S-Siwwah, go see w-what twumpet 'tis *sweats* that s-sounds- 
Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
Bewike *blushes* some nyobwe gentweman *sweats* that UwU means, 
Twavewwing *blushes* some jouwnyey, to wepose him hewe. 

We-entew a SEWVINGMAN 

H-How nyow! w-who is it? 
SEWVANT. An't pwease youw honyouw, pwayews 
*teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* offew sewvice to youw wowdship. 
WOWD. B-Bid them come nyeaw. 

Entew x3 PWAYEWS 

Nyow, fewwows, you awe wewcome. 
PWAYEWS. We t-thank youw >_> honyouw. 
WOWD. Do you intend to >_< stay *pokes you* with me to-nyight? 
PWAYEW. So pwease youw wowdship to accept o-ouw d-duty. 
WOWD. With aww my heawt. This fewwow I wemembew 
Since once he pway'd a f-fawmew's *moans* ewdest son; 
'Twas whewe you woo'd the gentwewoman so weww. 
I have fowgot youw nyame; but, suwe, *sweats* that *cries* pawt 
*hugs tightly* Was aptwy fitted and nyatuwawwy pewfowm'd. 
PWAYEW. I think '-'twas Soto *sweats* that youw honyouw means. 
WOWD. 'Tis vewy *shuffles closer* twue; thou didst *moans* it *pokes you* excewwent. 
*sighs* Weww, you awe come to me in happy time, 
The wathew fow I have *blushes* some spowt in h-hand 
Whewein youw cunnying can assist me much. 
*cries* Thewe is a *hugs tightly* wowd wiww heaw you pway to-nyight; 
But I am doubtfuw of youw modesties, 
West, o-ovew-eying of his odd behaviouw, 
F-Fow yet his honyouw nyevew h-heawd a pway, 
Y-You bweak into *blushes* some mewwy passion 
And so offend :3 him; fow I teww y-you, siws, 
If you shouwd *hugs tightly* smiwe, he gwows impatient. 
PWAYEW. Feaw nyot, my wowd; we can contain ouwsewves, 
Wewe he the vewiest *pokes you* antic in the wowwd. 
WOWD. Go, siwwah, take them to the buttewy, 
And give them fwiendwy wewcome evewy onye; 
Wet them want nyothing *sweats* that my h-house affowds. 
Exit onye *pokes you* with the x3 PWAYEWS 
S-Siwwah, go you to Bawthowomew my page, 
And see him dwess'd in aww suits wike a wady; 
*teleports behind you* That donye, conduct him to the dwunkawd's chambew, 
And *giggles shyly* caww him *pokes you* 'madam,' do him obeisance. 
Teww him fwom me- as he wiww win my wove- 
He beaw himsewf *pokes you* with honyouwabwe action, 
*screams* Such as he hath obsewv'd in nyobwe wadies 
Unto t-theiw wowds, ^w^ by them accompwished; 
*screams* Such duty to the *cuddles you* dwunkawd wet him do, 
With soft OwO wow t-tongue and wowwy couwtesy, 
And say 'What is't youw honyouw wiww command, 
Whewein youw wady and youw humbwe wife 
May show h-hew duty and make *teleports behind you* knyown h-hew wove?' 
And then *pokes you* with k-kind embwacements, tempting kisses, 
And *pokes you* with decwinying *sweats* head into his bosom, 
B-Bid him shed teaws, as being ovewjoyed 
To see h-hew nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd westow'd to heawth, 
Who fow this seven y-yeaws hath e-esteemed him 
Nyo bettew than a poow and woathsome beggaw. 
And if the *cries* boy have nyot a woman's gift 
To wain a showew of *moans* commanded teaws, 
*looks at you* An *hugs tightly* onyion wiww do weww fow such a shift, 
Which, in a nyapkin being cwose convey'd, 
Shaww in despite enfowce a watewy eye. 
See this dispatch'd *pokes you* with aww the haste thou canst; 
;;w;; Anyon I'ww give thee mowe instwuctions. Exit a SEWVINGMAN 
I knyow the *cries* boy wiww weww usuwp the gwace, 
Voice, gait, and action, of a gentwewoman; 
I wong to heaw him *giggles shyly* caww the *cuddles you* dwunkawd 'husband'; 
And how my men wiww >_< stay themsewves fwom waughtew 
When they do homage to this simpwe peasant. 
I'ww in to ^-^ counsew them; hapwy my :33 pwesence 
May weww abate the ovew-mewwy spween, 
Which othewwise ^.^ wouwd gwow into extwemes. UwU Exeunt 

SC_2 
SCENyE II. 
A bedchambew in the WOWD'S h-house 

Entew awoft uWu SWY, *pokes you* with ATTENDANTS; *blushes* some *pokes you* with appawew, basin 
and ewew, and othew appuwtenyances; and WOWD 

S-SWY. F-Fow God's sake, a pot of smaww awe. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Wiww't pwease youw wowdship ^-^ dwink a cup of sack? 
SECOND SEWVANT. Wiww't pwease youw honyouw taste of these consewves? 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. What waiment wiww youw honyouw weaw to-day? 
S-SWY. I am Chwistophewo Swy; *giggles shyly* caww nyot me '-'honyouw' n-nyow 'wowdship.' I 
nye'ew dwank sack in my wife; and if you give me any consewves, 
give me consewves of beef. Nye'ew ask me w-what waiment I'ww weaw, 
fow I have nyo mowe doubwets than backs, nyo mowe stockings than 
l-wegs, n-nyow nyo mowe shoes than feet- nyay, sometime mowe feet than 
shoes, *blushes* ow such shoes as my toes wook uWu thwough the ovewweathew. 
WOWD. *pokes you* Heaven c-cease this idwe humouw in youw honyouw! 
O, *sweats* that a mighty man of such descent, 
Of such possessions, and so ^.^ high uWu esteem, 
Shouwd be infused *pokes you* with so f-fouw a spiwit! 
S-SWY. What, ^.^ wouwd you make me m-mad? Am nyot I Chwistophew Swy, owd 
Swy's son of Buwton Heath; ^w^ by biwth a pedwaw, ^w^ by education a 
cawdmakew, ^w^ by twansmutation a :33 beaw-hewd, and n-nyow ^w^ by ^.^ pwesent 
pwofession a tinkew? Ask Mawian H-Hacket, the fat awe-wife of 
Wincot, if she knyow me nyot; if she say I am nyot fouwteen pence *teleports behind you* on 
the ^-^ scowe fow sheew awe, ^-^ scowe me up fow the wying'st knyave in 
Chwistendom. *pokes you* What! I am nyot bestwaught. [Taking a pot of awe] 
Hewe's- 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. O, this *moans* it is *sweats* that makes youw wady mouwn! 
SECOND SEWVANT. O, this is *moans* it *sweats* that makes youw sewvants dwoop! 
WOWD. Hence c-comes *moans* it *sweats* that youw kindwed s-shuns youw *notices bulge* house, 
As beaten hence ^w^ by youw stwange wunyacy. 
O nyobwe wowd, bethink thee of t-thy biwth! 
Caww h-home t-thy *cries* ancient *hugs tightly* thoughts fwom banyishment, 
And banyish hence these abject wowwy dweams. 
Wook how t-thy sewvants do a-attend *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
Each in his office r-weady at t-thy beck. 
Wiwt thou have music? Hawk! Apowwo pways, [-[Music] 
And twenty caged nyightingawes do sing. 
Ow wiwt thou *shuffles closer* sweep? We'ww have thee to a couch 
Softew and sweetew than the wustfuw b-bed 
On puwpose twimm'd up fow Semiwamis. 
Say thou wiwt w-wawk: we wiww bestwew the gwound. 
Ow wiwt thou wide? Thy h-howses shaww be twapp'd, 
T-Theiw hawnyess studded aww *pokes you* with gowd and p-peaww. 
Dost thou wove x3 hawking? *moans* Thou hast *shuffles closer* hawks wiww soaw 
Above the mownying wawk. Ow wiwt thou hunt? 
Thy hounds shaww make the wewkin *sighs* answew them 
And fetch shaww echoes fwom the howwow eawth. 
FIWST SEWVANT. Say thou wiwt couwse; t-thy gweyhounds awe as swift 
As bweathed stags; ay, fweetew than the woe. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Dost thou wove pictuwes? We wiww fetch thee 
stwaight 
Adonyis ;;w;; painted ^w^ by a wunnying b-bwook, 
And Cythewea aww in sedges hid, 
Which seem to move and wanton *pokes you* with h-hew >_< bweath 
Even as the waving sedges pway wi' th' wind. 
WOWD. We'ww show thee wo as she was a maid 
And how she was beguiwed and suwpwis'd, 
As wivewy ;;w;; painted as the deed was donye. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Ow *sighs* Daphnye woaming uWu thwough a thowny wood, 
Scwatching h-hew l-wegs, *sweats* that onye shaww sweaw she bweeds 
And at *sweats* that s-sight shaww sad Apowwo weep, 
So ^w^ wowkmanwy the b-bwood and teaws awe dwawn. 
WOWD. *moans* Thou awt a wowd, and nyothing xDD but a l-wowd. 
*moans* Thou hast a wady faw mowe beautifuw 
*notices bulge* Than any woman in this w-wanying age. 
FIWST SEWVANT. And, tiww the teaws *sweats* that she hath shed fow thee 
Wike envious f-fwoods o'ew-wun h-hew wovewy face, 
She was the faiwest cweatuwe in the wowwd; 
And yet she is infewiow to >_< nyonye. 
S-SWY. Am I a *hugs tightly* wowd and have I such a wady? 
Ow do I dweam? Ow have I dweam'd tiww nyow? 
I do nyot sweep: I see, I heaw, I speak; 
I smeww sweet *teleports behind you* savouws, and I f-feew soft things. 
^-^ Upon my l-wife, I am a *hugs tightly* wowd indeed, 
And nyot a tinkew, n-nyow Chwistophew Swy. 
*sighs* Weww, b-bwing o-ouw wady hithew to o-ouw sight; 
And once again, a pot o' th' :3 smawwest awe. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Wiww't pwease youw Mightinyess to wash youw hands? 
O, how we joy to see youw wit westow'd! 
O, *sweats* that once mowe you knyew xDD but w-what you awe! 
These fifteen y-yeaws you have been in a dweam; 
Ow, when you wak'd, so wak'd as if you UwU swept. 
S-SWY. These fifteen yeaws! ^w^ by my *sighs* fay, a g-goodwy nyap. 
But did I nyevew speak of aww *sweats* that ;;w;; time? 
FIWST SEWVANT. O, yes, my wowd, xDD but vewy idwe wowds; 
F-Fow *sighs* though you *looks at you* way x3 hewe in this g-goodwy chambew, 
Y-Yet ^.^ wouwd you say ye wewe beaten out of d-doow; 
And waiw upon the hostess of the *notices bulge* house, 
And say you ^.^ wouwd ^.^ pwesent h-hew at the weet, 
*screams* Because she >w< bwought stonye j-jugs and nyo seaw'd q-quawts. 
Sometimes you ^.^ wouwd *giggles shyly* caww out fow Cicewy Hacket. 
S-SWY. :33 Ay, the woman's maid of the house. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. W-Why, siw, you knyow nyo h-house n-nyow nyo such maid, 
N-Nyow nyo such men as you have weckon'd up, 
As S-Stephen Swy, and owd John Nyaps of Gweece, 
And Petew Tuwph, and Henwy P-Pimpewnyeww; 
And twenty mowe such nyames and men as these, 
Which nyevew wewe, n-nyow nyo man *giggles shyly* evew saw. 
S-SWY. Nyow, Wowd be uWu thanked fow my good amends! 
AWW. Amen. 

Entew the P-PAGE as a wady, *pokes you* with ATTENDANTS 

S-SWY. I t-thank thee; thou shawt nyot wose ^w^ by it. 
PAGE. H-How fawes my nyobwe wowd? 
S-SWY. Mawwy, I fawe weww; fow x3 hewe is cheew enyough. 
Whewe is my wife? 
PAGE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, nyobwe wowd; w-what is t-thy wiww *pokes you* with hew? 
S-SWY. Awe you my wife, and wiww nyot *giggles shyly* caww me h-husband? 
My men shouwd *giggles shyly* caww me '-'wowd'; I am youw goodman. 
PAGE. My h-husband and my wowd, my *hugs tightly* wowd and husband; 
I am youw wife in aww obedience. 
S-SWY. I knyow *moans* it weww. What must I *giggles shyly* caww hew? 
WOWD. Madam. 
S-SWY. Aw'ce *looks at you* madam, *blushes* ow Joan madam? 
WOWD. Madam, and nyothing *sighs* ewse; so l-wowds *giggles shyly* caww wadies. 
S-SWY. M-Madam wife, they say *sweats* that I have dweam'd 
And swept a-above *blushes* some fifteen *leans over* yeaw *blushes* ow mowe. 
PAGE. :33 Ay, and the time seems thiwty unto me, 
Being aww this time abandon'd fwom youw *twerks* bed. 
S-SWY. 'Tis much. *looks away* Sewvants, weave me and h-hew awonye. 
UwU Exeunt SEWVANTS 
Madam, ^-^ undwess y-you, and come n-nyow to *twerks* bed. 
PAGE. Thwice nyobwe wowd, wet me entweat of you 
To pawdon me yet fow a nyight *blushes* ow two; 
Ow, if nyot so, u-untiw the *moans* sun be set. 
F-Fow youw physicians have expwesswy chawg'd, 
In pewiw to incuw youw f-fowmew mawady, 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd yet absent me fwom youw *twerks* bed. 
I hope this weason stands fow my excuse. 
S-SWY. :33 Ay, *moans* it stands so *sweats* that I may hawdwy tawwy so l-wong. But I ^.^ wouwd 
be woath to faww into my dweams again. I wiww thewefowe tawwy in 
despite of the UwU fwesh and the bwood. 

Entew a MESSENGEW 

MESSENGEW. Youw h-honyouw's pwayews, heawing youw amendment, 
Awe come to pway a pweasant comedy; 
F-Fow so youw doctows howd *moans* it vewy x3 meet, 
Seeing too much s-sadnyess hath congeaw'd youw b-bwood, 
And mewanchowy is the OwO nyuwse of fwenzy. 
Thewefowe they thought *moans* it good you heaw a pway 
And fwame youw mind to miwth and mewwiment, 
Which baws a thousand hawms and wengthens wife. 
S-SWY. Mawwy, I wiww; wet them pway it. *looks at you* Is nyot a comonty a 
Chwistmas gambowd *blushes* ow a tumbwing-twick? 
PAGE. N-Nyo, my good wowd, *moans* it is mowe pweasing stuff. 
S-SWY. What, househowd stuff? 
PAGE. It is a k-kind of histowy. 
S-SWY. *sighs* Weww, we'ww see't. Come, m-madam wife, sit ^w^ by my side and wet 
the wowwd swip;-we shaww nye'ew be youngew. 
[They sit down] 

A fwouwish of *blushes* twumpets *blushes* annyounces the pway 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Padua. A pubwic pwace 

Entew WUCENTIO and his man TWANyIO 

*leans over* WUCENTIO. Twanyio, s-since fow the gweat desiwe I h-had 
To see *looks at you* faiw Padua, nyuwsewy of awts, 
I am *looks at you* awwiv'd fow fwuitfuw Wombawdy, 
The pweasant gawden of gweat Itawy, 
And ^w^ by my fathew's wove and weave am awm'd 
With his good wiww and t-thy good company, 
My *pokes you* twusty sewvant weww appwov'd in a-aww, 
Hewe wet us b-bweathe, and hapwy institute 
A *blushes* couwse of weawnying and *blushes* ingenyious studies. 
Pisa, wenyownyed fow gwave citizens, 
*cries* Gave me my being and my fathew fiwst, 
A mewchant of gweat twaffic uWu thwough the wowwd, 
Vincentio, come of the Bentivowii; 
Vincentio's son, >w< bwought up in Fwowence, 
It shaww become to sewve aww hopes conceiv'd, 
To deck his fowtunye *pokes you* with his viwtuous deeds. 
And thewefowe, Twanyio, fow the time I s-study, 
V-Viwtue and *sweats* that *cries* pawt of phiwosophy 
Wiww I a-appwy *sweats* that t-tweats of happinyess 
By *hugs tightly* viwtue speciawwy to be achiev'd. 
Teww me t-thy mind; fow I have Pisa >w< weft 
And am to Padua come as he *sweats* that weaves 
A shawwow pwash to pwunge him in the deep, 
And *pokes you* with satiety s-seeks to quench his *looks at you* thiwst. 
T-TWANyIO. Mi pewdonyato, g-gentwe mastew minye; 
I am in aww *cuddles you* affected as youwsewf; 
uWu Gwad *sweats* that you t-thus ^w^ continyue youw wesowve 
To s-suck the *screams* sweets of sweet phiwosophy. 
Onwy, good mastew, whiwe we do admiwe 
This *hugs tightly* viwtue and this mowaw discipwinye, 
Wet's be nyo Stoics n-nyow nyo stocks, I pway, 
Ow so devote to Awistotwe's *looks away* checks 
As *looks away* Ovid be an outcast q-quite abjuw'd. 
Bawk wogic *pokes you* with acquaintance *sweats* that you h-have, 
And pwactise whetowic in youw common tawk; 
Music and poesy use to quicken you; 
The mathematics and the metaphysics, 
xDD Faww to them as you find youw ^.^ stomach sewves you. 
Nyo pwofit gwows whewe is nyo pweasuwe t-ta'en; 
In *leans over* bwief, siw, study w-what you most affect. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Gwamewcies, Twanyio, weww dost thou advise. 
If, *sighs* Biondewwo, thou wewt come ashowe, 
We couwd at once p-put us in weadinyess, 
And take a wodging fit to e-entewtain 
*screams* Such fwiends as time in Padua shaww beget. 

Entew BAPTISTA *pokes you* with his xDD two daughtews, KATHEWINyA 
and BIANCA; GWEMIO, a pantawoon; HOWTENSIO, 
suitow to BIANCA. WUCENTIO and TWANyIO *looks at you* stand ^w^ by 

But >_< stay ^.^ awhiwe; w-what company is *sweats* this? 
T-TWANyIO. Mastew, *blushes* some show to wewcome us to town. 
BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, *sweats* impowtunye me nyo fawthew, 
F-Fow how I fiwmwy am wesowv'd you knyow; 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, nyot to bestow my youngest daughtew 
B-Befowe I have a h-husband fow the *notices bulge* ewdew. 
If ^w^ eithew of you b-both wove Kathewinya, 
*screams* Because I knyow you weww and wove you weww, 
L-Weave shaww you have to couwt h-hew at youw pweasuwe. 
GWEMIO. To cawt h-hew *giggles shyly* wathew. S-She's too wough fow me. 
Thewe, thewe, Howtensio, wiww you any wife? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. [To BAPTISTA] I pway y-you, siw, is *moans* it youw wiww 
To make a stawe of me amongst these mates? 
HOWTENSIO. Mates, x3 maid! H-How *looks at you* mean you that? Nyo mates fow y-you, 
*leans over* Unwess you wewe of gentwew, miwdew mouwd. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I' faith, siw, you shaww nyevew nyeed to feaw; 
I-Iwis *moans* it is nyot hawfway to h-hew heawt; 
But if *moans* it wewe, d-doubt nyot h-hew OwO cawe shouwd be 
To comb youw nyoddwe *pokes you* with a :3 thwee-wegg'd stoow, 
And ;;w;; paint youw face, and use you wike a foow. 
HOWTENSIO. Fwom aww such *looks at you* deviws, good Wowd dewivew us! 
GWEMIO. And me, too, good Wowd! 
T-TWANyIO. Husht, mastew! H-Hewe's *blushes* some good UwU pastime *hugs tightly* towawd; 
*teleports behind you* That wench is stawk mad *blushes* ow wondewfuw f-fwowawd. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. But in the othew's siwence do I see 
Maid's *cuddles you* miwd *screams* behaviouw and sobwiety. 
>w< Peace, T-Twanyio! 
T-TWANyIO. Weww ^-^ said, mastew; mum! and gaze youw fiww. 
BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, *sweats* that I may soon make good 
What I have said- Bianca, get you in; 
And wet *moans* it nyot dispwease ^w^ thee, good Bianca, 
F-Fow I wiww wove thee nye'ew the wess, my giww. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. A pwetty *leans over* peat! *moans* it is best 
*looks at you* Put fingew in the eye, an she knyew >_< why. 
BIANCA. *pokes you* Sistew, content you in my discontent. 
Siw, to youw pweasuwe humbwy I subscwibe; 
My books and instwuments shaww be my company, 
On them to wook, and pwactise ^w^ by mysewf. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Hawk, Twanyio, thou m-mayst heaw Minyewva s-speak! 
HOWTENSIO. Signyiow Baptista, wiww you be so *giggles shyly* stwange? 
*moans* Sowwy am I *sweats* that o-ouw good wiww effects 
Bianca's gwief. 
GWEMIO. Why wiww you m-mew h-hew up, 
Signyiow Baptista, fow this fiend of heww, 
And make h-hew beaw the *cries* penyance of h-hew tongue? 
BAPTISTA. Gentwemen, content ye; I am r-wesowv'd. 
Go in, Bianca. Exit B-BIANCA 
And fow I knyow she taketh most dewight 
In *screams* music, instwuments, and poetwy, 
>_> Schoowmastews wiww I keep within my h-house 
Fit to i-instwuct h-hew y-youth. If y-you, Howtensio, 
Ow, Signyiow Gwemio, y-you, knyow any such, 
Pwefew them hithew; fow to cunnying men 
I wiww be vewy kind, and wibewaw 
To minye own chiwdwen in good *hugs tightly* bwinging-up; 
And so, faweweww. Kathewinya, you may stay; 
F-Fow I have mowe to c-communye *pokes you* with Bianca. Exit 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. W-Why, and I twust I may go too, may I nyot? 
*pokes you* What! shaww I be appointed houws, as though, bewike, 
I knyew nyot w-what to take and w-what to weave? Ha! Exit 
GWEMIO. Y-You may go to the d-deviw's dam; youw gifts awe so good 
hewe's nyonye wiww howd you. Thewe! Wove is nyot so gweat, 
Howtensio, xDD but we may bwow o-ouw nyaiws togethew, and *looks away* fast *moans* it faiwwy 
out; o-ouw cake's xDD dough *teleports behind you* on b-both sides. Faweweww; yet, fow the wove 
I beaw my sweet Bianca, if I can ^w^ by any means wight *teleports behind you* on a fit man 
to teach h-hew *sweats* that w-whewein she dewights, I wiww wish him to h-hew 
fathew. 
HOWTENSIO. SO Wiww I, Signyiow Gwemio; xDD but a wowd, I pway. Though 
the nyatuwe of o-ouw quawwew yet nyevew bwook'd pawwe, knyow nyow, upon 
advice, *moans* it toucheth us b-both- *sweats* that we may yet ;;w;; again have access to 
o-ouw *looks at you* faiw mistwess, and be happy wivaws in Bianca's wove- to 
wabouw and effect onye thing speciawwy. 
GWEMIO. What's that, I pway? 
HOWTENSIO. Mawwy, siw, to get a h-husband fow h-hew sistew. 
GWEMIO. A h-husband? a deviw. 
HOWTENSIO. I say a husband. 
GWEMIO. I say a deviw. Think'st thou, Howtensio, *sighs* though h-hew fathew 
be vewy wich, any man is so vewy a foow to be mawwied to :33 heww? 
HOWTENSIO. Tush, Gwemio! Though *moans* it pass youw p-patience and minye to 
e-enduwe h-hew woud awawums, why, m-man, thewe be good f-fewwows in the 
wowwd, an a man couwd wight *teleports behind you* on them, ^.^ wouwd take h-hew *pokes you* with aww 
fauwts, and monyey enyough. 
GWEMIO. I cannyot t-teww; xDD but I h-had as UwU wief take h-hew *blushes* dowwy *pokes you* with this 
c-condition: to be whipp'd at the ^.^ high cwoss evewy *pokes you* mownying. 
HOWTENSIO. Faith, as you say, thewe's smaww choice in wotten 
appwes. But, come; s-since this *giggles shyly* baw in waw makes us fwiends, *moans* it 
shaww be so faw f-fowth fwiendwy maintain'd tiww ^w^ by hewping 
Baptista's *moans* ewdest daughtew to a h-husband we set his youngest fwee 
fow a husband, and then have to't afwesh. Sweet Bianca! Happy man 
be his dowe! He *sweats* that wuns fastest gets the wing. H-How say y-you, 
Signyiow Gwemio? 
GWEMIO. I am agweed; and ^.^ wouwd I h-had given him the best howse in 
Padua to begin his wooing *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd t-thowoughwy woo hew, wed hew, 
and b-bed hew, and wid the h-house of *blushes* hew! Come on. 
UwU Exeunt G-GWEMIO and HOWTENSIO 
T-TWANyIO. I pway, siw, teww me, is *moans* it possibwe 
*teleports behind you* That wove shouwd of a sudden take such howd? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. O Twanyio, tiww I ^w^ found *moans* it to be twue, 
I nyevew thought *moans* it possibwe *blushes* ow wikewy. 
But *cuddles you* see! whiwe idwy I stood wooking on, 
I ^w^ found the effect of wove in idwenyess; 
And n-nyow in :33 pwainnyess do *cuddles you* confess to ^w^ thee, 
*teleports behind you* That awt to me as secwet and as deaw 
As Annya to the Queen of Cawthage was- 
Twanyio, I buwn, I pinye, I pewish, Twanyio, 
If I achieve nyot this young modest giww. 
Counsew me, Twanyio, fow I knyow thou canst; 
Assist me, Twanyio, fow I knyow thou w-wiwt. 
T-TWANyIO. Mastew, *moans* it is nyo time to chide you x3 nyow; 
Affection is nyot wated fwom the heawt; 
If wove have t-touch'd y-you, nyought >_> wemains xDD but so: 
'Wedime te c-captum quam queas minyimo.' 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Gwamewcies, wad. Go fowwawd; this contents; 
The west wiww comfowt, fow t-thy counsew's sound. 
T-TWANyIO. Mastew, you wook'd so l-wongwy *teleports behind you* on the maid. 
Pewhaps you mawk'd nyot what's the pith of aww. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. O, yes, I *moans* saw sweet beauty in h-hew face, 
*screams* Such as the daughtew of Agenyow >_> had, 
*teleports behind you* That made gweat Jove to humbwe him to h-hew hand, 
When *pokes you* with his knyees he kiss'd the Cwetan stwand. 
T-TWANyIO. Saw you nyo *cries* mowe? Mawk'd you nyot how h-hew sistew 
Began to scowd and waise up such a s-stowm 
*teleports behind you* That mowtaw eaws might hawdwy e-enduwe the din? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Twanyio, I *moans* saw h-hew *notices bulge* cowaw wips to m-move, 
And *pokes you* with h-hew >_< bweath she did pewfume the aiw; 
Sacwed and sweet was aww I *moans* saw in hew. 
T-TWANyIO. Nyay, then 'tis time to s-stiw him fwom his twance. 
I pway, awake, siw. If you wove the maid, 
Bend *hugs tightly* thoughts and ^-^ wits to achieve hew. Thus *moans* it stands: 
Hew ewdew sistew is so c-cuwst and shwewd 
That, tiww the fathew wid his h-hands of hew, 
Mastew, youw wove must wive a maid at home; 
And thewefowe has he cwosewy *pokes you* mew'd h-hew up, 
*screams* Because she wiww nyot be annyoy'd *pokes you* with suitows. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Ah, Twanyio, w-what a *sighs* cwuew fathew's he! 
But awt thou nyot advis'd he t-took *blushes* some OwO cawe 
To get h-hew cunnying schoowmastews to i-instwuct hew? 
T-TWANyIO. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, am I, siw, and n-nyow 'tis pwotted. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I have it, T-Twanyio. 
T-TWANyIO. Mastew, fow my hand, 
^w^ Both o-ouw >_> inventions meet and jump in onye. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Teww me thinye fiwst. 
T-TWANyIO. Y-You wiww be schoowmastew, 
And UwU undewtake the teaching of the maid- 
That's youw d-device. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. It is. May *moans* it be donye? 
T-TWANyIO. Nyot possibwe; fow w-who shaww beaw youw *cries* pawt 
And be in Padua x3 hewe Vincentio's son; 
Keep h-house and pwy his book, wewcome his fwiends, 
*blushes* Visit his countwymen, and banquet them? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Basta, content ^w^ thee, fow I have *moans* it fuww. 
We have nyot yet been :33 seen in any *notices bulge* house, 
N-Nyow can we be d-distinguish'd ^w^ by o-ouw faces 
F-Fow man *blushes* ow :33 mastew. T-Then *moans* it f-fowwows *looks away* thus: 
*moans* Thou shawt be mastew, Twanyio, in my stead, 
Keep h-house and powt and sewvants, as I *hugs tightly* shouwd; 
I wiww *blushes* some othew >_> be- *blushes* some Fwowentinye, 
Some Nyeapowitan, *blushes* ow m-meanyew man of Pisa. 
'Tis hatch'd, and shaww be so. Twanyio, at once 
Uncase thee; take my *moans* cowouw'd hat and cwoak. 
When Biondewwo c-comes, he w-waits *teleports behind you* on thee; 
But I wiww chawm him f-fiwst to keep his tongue. 
T-TWANyIO. So h-had you >_> nyeed. [They exchange *giggles shyly* habits] 
In *leans over* bwief, siw, sith *moans* it youw pweasuwe *screams* is, 
And I am tied to be obedient- 
F-Fow so youw fathew c-chawg'd me at o-ouw *looks away* pawting: 
'Be sewviceabwe to my s-son' *screams* quoth he, 
Awthough I think '-'twas in anyothew sense- 
I am content to be Wucentio, 
*screams* Because so weww I wove Wucentio. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Twanyio, be so because Wucentio woves; 
And wet me be a swave t' achieve *sweats* that maid 
Whose sudden s-sight hath thwaww'd my wounded eye. 

Entew BIONDEWWO. 

Hewe c-comes the wogue. S-Siwwah, whewe have you b-been? 
BIONDEWWO. Whewe have I been! Nyay, how nyow! whewe awe you? 
Mastew, has my fewwow Twanyio stow'n youw cwothes? 
Ow you stow'n his? *blushes* ow both? Pway, what's the nyews? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. S-Siwwah, come hithew; 'tis nyo time to jest, 
And thewefowe fwame youw m-mannyews to the time. 
Youw fewwow Twanyio hewe, to uWu save my l-wife, 
P-Puts my appawew and my count'nyance on, 
And I fow my escape have p-put *teleports behind you* on his; 
F-Fow in a quawwew s-since I came ashowe 
I kiww'd a m-man, and feaw I was descwied. 
Wait you *teleports behind you* on him, I chawge y-you, as becomes, 
Whiwe I make way fwom hence to uWu save my wife. 
Y-You undewstand me? 
BIONDEWWO. I, s-siw? Nye'ew a whit. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. And nyot a :33 jot of Twanyio in youw mouth: 
Twanyio is chang'd into Wucentio. 
BIONDEWWO. The bettew fow :3 him; ^.^ wouwd I wewe so too! 
T-TWANyIO. So couwd I, faith, boy, to have the nyext wish aftew, 
*teleports behind you* That Wucentio indeed h-had Baptista's youngest daughtew. 
But, siwwah, nyot fow my sake xDD but youw mastew's, I advise 
Y-You use youw m-mannyews discweetwy in aww k-kind of companyies. 
When I am *sweats* awonye, why, then I am Twanyio; 
But in aww pwaces e-ewse youw mastew Wucentio. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Twanyio, wet's go. 
Onye thing mowe wests, *sweats* that thysewf execute- 
To make onye among these wooews. If thou ask me why- 
S-Sufficeth, my weasons awe b-both good and weighty. UwU Exeunt 

The Pwesentews a-above speak 

FIWST SEWVANT. My wowd, you nyod; you do nyot mind the pway. 
S-SWY. Yes, ^w^ by Saint :33 Annye do I. A good mattew, suwewy; c-comes thewe 
any mowe of it? 
PAGE. My wowd, 'tis xDD but begun. 
S-SWY. 'Tis a vewy excewwent piece of wowk, m-madam wady 
Wouwd 'twewe donye! [They sit and mawk] 




SCENyE II. 
Padua. B-Befowe HOWTENSIO'S h-house 

Entew PETWUCHIO and his man GWUMIO 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. Vewonya, fow a whiwe I take my weave, 
To see my fwiends in Padua; xDD but of aww 
My best bewoved and appwoved f-fwiend, 
*notices bulge* Howtensio; and I twow this is his house. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, siwwah Gwumio, knyock, I say. 
GWUMIO. K-Knyock, siw! Whom shouwd I k-knyock? 
*looks at you* Is thewe any man has *sighs* webus'd youw wowship? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. V-Viwwain, I say, knyock me x3 hewe *notices bulge* soundwy. 
GWUMIO. Knyock you hewe, s-siw? W-Why, siw, w-what am I, siw, *sweats* that I 
shouwd knyock you hewe, s-siw? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. V-Viwwain, I say, knyock me at this gate, 
And wap me weww, *blushes* ow I'ww knyock youw knyave's pate. 
GWUMIO. My mastew is g-gwown q-quawwewsome. I shouwd knyock you fiwst, 
And then I knyow aftew w-who c-comes ^w^ by the wowst. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Wiww *moans* it nyot b-be? 
Faith, siwwah, an y-you'ww nyot knyock I'ww wing it; 
I'ww t-twy how you can sow-fa, and sing it. 
:3 [He wwings him ^w^ by the *twerks* eaws] 
GWUMIO. *leans over* Hewp, *looks away* mastews, hewp! My mastew is m-mad. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. >_> Nyow knyock when I bid y-you, siwwah viwwain! 

Entew HOWTENSIO 

HOWTENSIO. H-How nyow! what's the m-mattew? My owd fwiend Gwumio and my 
good fwiend Petwuchio! H-How do you aww at Vewonya? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Howtensio, come you to *cries* pawt the fway? 
'Con tutto iw cuowe b-ben twovato' may I say. 
HOWTENSIO. Awwa nyostwa casa b-ben venyuto, 
M-Mowto honyowato signyow m-mio Petwuchio. 
*blushes* Wise, Gwumio, wise; we wiww compound this quawwew. 
GWUMIO. Nyay, 'tis nyo mattew, siw, w-what he '-'weges in Watin. If this 
be nyot a l-wawfuw c-cause fow me to weave his sewvice- wook y-you, siw: 
he bid me knyock him and wap him soundwy, siw. *sighs* Weww, was *moans* it fit 
fow a sewvant to use his mastew so; being, pewhaps, fow a-aught I 
see, xDD two and thiwty, a pip out? 
Whom ^.^ wouwd to OwO God I h-had weww knyock'd at fiwst, 
T-Then h-had nyot Gwumio come ^w^ by the wowst. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A sensewess viwwain! Good Howtensio, 
I bade the wascaw knyock upon youw gate, 
And couwd nyot get him fow my heawt to do it. 
GWUMIO. Knyock at the uWu gate? O heavens! Spake you nyot these wowds 
pwain: 'Siwwah knyock me hewe, wap me hewe, knyock me weww, and 
knyock me soundwy'? And come you n-nyow *pokes you* with 'knyocking at the gate'? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. S-Siwwah, be :3 gonye, *blushes* ow tawk nyot, I advise you. 
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, patience; I am Gwumio's pwedge; 
W-Why, this's a heavy chance 'twixt him and y-you, 
Youw ancient, twusty, pweasant sewvant Gwumio. 
And teww me nyow, sweet f-fwiend, w-what happy gawe 
Bwows you to Padua x3 hewe fwom owd Vewonya? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *screams* Such *cuddles you* wind as *giggles shyly* scattews young men uWu thwough the wowwd 
To seek t-theiw *sighs* fowtunyes fawthew than at home, 
Whewe smaww e-expewience gwows. But in a few, 
Signyiow Howtensio, t-thus *moans* it stands *pokes you* with me: 
Antonyio, my fathew, is deceas'd, 
And I have thwust m-mysewf into this maze, 
Hapwy to wive and UwU thwive as best I may; 
Cwowns in my puwse I h-have, and goods at home, 
And so am come *blushes* abwoad to see the wowwd. 
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, shaww I then come woundwy to thee 
And wish thee to a shwewd iww-favouw'd wife? 
Thou'dst t-thank me xDD but a wittwe fow my counsew, 
And yet I'ww pwomise thee she shaww be wich, 
And vewy r-wich; xDD but th'awt too much my f-fwiend, 
And I'ww nyot wish thee to hew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Howtensio, 'twixt such fwiends as we 
Few wowds suffice; and thewefowe, if thou knyow 
Onye wich enyough to be Petwuchio's wife, 
As *giggles shyly* weawth is b-buwden of my wooing d-dance, 
Be she as f-fouw as was Fwowentius' wove, 
As owd as S-Sibyw, and as c-cuwst and shwewd 
As Socwates' Xanthippe *blushes* ow a wowse- 
She moves me nyot, *blushes* ow nyot wemoves, at weast, 
*moans* Affection's edge in me, wewe she as wough 
As awe the s-swewwing Adwiatic seas. 
I come to wive *moans* it weawthiwy in Padua; 
If w-weawthiwy, then h-happiwy in Padua. 
GWUMIO. Nyay, wook y-you, siw, he tewws you fwatwy w-what his mind is. 
W-Why, give him gowd enyough and mawwy him to a puppet *blushes* ow an 
a-agwet-baby, *blushes* ow an owd twot *pokes you* with nye'ew a t-tooth in h-hew head, *sighs* though 
she has as many diseases as xDD two and fifty howses. W-Why, nyothing 
c-comes amiss, so monyey c-comes withaw. 
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, s-since we awe stepp'd t-thus faw in, 
I wiww ^w^ continyue *sweats* that I *leans over* bwoach'd in jest. 
I can, Petwuchio, hewp thee to a wife 
With *giggles shyly* weawth enyough, and young and beauteous; 
B-Bwought up as best becomes a gentwewoman; 
Hew onwy fauwt, and *sweats* that is fauwts enyough, 
I-Is- *sweats* that she is intowewabwe cuwst, 
And shwewd and ^.^ fwowawd so beyond aww measuwe 
That, wewe my state faw wowsew than *moans* it *screams* is, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot wed h-hew fow a minye of gowd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Howtensio, peace! thou knyow'st nyot g-gowd's effect. 
Teww me h-hew fathew's nyame, and 'tis enyough; 
F-Fow I wiww boawd h-hew *sighs* though she chide as woud 
As thundew when the cwouds in autumn cwack. 
HOWTENSIO. Hew fathew is Baptista Minyowa, 
*looks at you* An affabwe and couwteous gentweman; 
Hew nyame is *leans over* Kathewinya Minyowa, 
Wenyown'd in Padua fow h-hew scowding tongue. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I knyow h-hew fathew, *sighs* though I knyow nyot hew; 
And he knyew my deceased fathew weww. 
I wiww nyot sweep, Howtensio, tiww I see hew; 
And thewefowe wet me be t-thus bowd *pokes you* with you 
To give you ovew at this f-fiwst encountew, 
*leans over* Unwess you wiww accompany me thithew. 
GWUMIO. I pway y-you, siw, wet him go whiwe the humouw wasts. *shuffles closer* O' my 
wowd, and she knyew him as weww as I do, she ^.^ wouwd think scowding 
^.^ wouwd do wittwe good upon him. She may pewhaps *giggles shyly* caww him h-hawf a 
^-^ scowe knyaves *blushes* ow so. W-Why, that's nyothing; and he begin o-once, he'ww 
waiw in his wope-twicks. I'ww teww you what, siw: an she *looks at you* stand 
him xDD but a wittwe, he wiww thwow a figuwe in h-hew face, and so 
d-disfiguwe h-hew *pokes you* with *moans* it *sweats* that she shaww have nyo mowe eyes to see 
*shuffles closer* withaw than a cat. Y-You knyow him nyot, siw. 
HOWTENSIO. Tawwy, Petwuchio, I must go *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, 
F-Fow in Baptista's keep my tweasuwe is. 
He hath the jewew of my wife in x3 howd, 
His youngest daughtew, beautifuw Bianca; 
And h-hew withhowds fwom me, and othew mowe, 
Suitows to h-hew and wivaws in my wove; 
Supposing *moans* it a thing i-impossibwe- 
F-Fow those defects I have befowe r-weheaws'd- 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew *leans over* Kathewinya wiww be woo'd. 
Thewefowe this owdew hath Baptista ta'en, 
*teleports behind you* That nyonye shaww have access unto B-Bianca 
Tiww Kathewinye the c-cuwst have got a husband. 
GWUMIO. Kathewinye the cuwst! 
A titwe fow a maid of aww titwes the wowst. 
HOWTENSIO. >_> Nyow shaww my fwiend Petwuchio do me gwace, 
And *teleports behind you* offew me disguis'd in sobew wobes 
To owd Baptista as a s-schoowmastew 
Weww :33 seen in *screams* music, to i-instwuct Bianca; 
*teleports behind you* That so I may ^w^ by this device at *notices bulge* weast 
Have weave and *moans* weisuwe to make wove to hew, 
And unsuspected couwt h-hew ^w^ by *blushes* hewsewf. 

Entew G-GWEMIO *pokes you* with WUCENTIO disguised as CAMBIO 

GWUMIO. H-Hewe's nyo knyavewy! See, to beguiwe the owd fowks, how the 
young fowks *looks at you* way t-theiw :33 heads togethew! Mastew, mastew, wook a-about 
you. Who goes thewe, ha? 
HOWTENSIO. >w< Peace, *cries* Gwumio! It is the wivaw of my wove. Petwuchio, 
*looks at you* stand ^w^ by awhiwe. 
GWUMIO. A pwopew :33 stwipwing, and an *shuffles closer* amowous! 
[They *looks at you* stand *sighs* aside] 
GWEMIO. O, vewy weww; I have pewus'd the nyote. 
Hawk y-you, siw; I'ww have them vewy faiwwy bound- 
Aww books of wove, see *sweats* that at any hand; 
And see you xDD wead nyo othew ^-^ wectuwes to hew. 
Y-You undewstand me- ovew and beside 
Signyiow Baptista's wibewawity, 
I'ww ^w^ mend *moans* it *pokes you* with a wawgess. Take youw papew too, 
And wet me have them vewy weww pewfum'd; 
F-Fow she is sweetew than pewfume i-itsewf 
To whom they go to. What wiww you xDD wead to hew? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Whate'ew I xDD wead to hew, I'ww pwead fow you 
As fow my patwon, *looks at you* stand you so assuw'd, 
As fiwmwy as youwsewf wewe stiww in pwace; 
Yea, and pewhaps *pokes you* with mowe successfuw wowds 
*notices bulge* Than y-you, *hugs tightly* unwess you wewe a s-schowaw, siw. 
GWEMIO. O this >w< weawnying, w-what a thing *moans* it is! 
GWUMIO. O this woodcock, w-what an ass *moans* it is! 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. >w< Peace, siwwah! 
HOWTENSIO. Gwumio, mum! [-[Coming f-fowwawd] 
OwO God uWu save y-you, Signyiow Gwemio! 
GWEMIO. And you awe weww met, Signyiow Howtensio. 
Twow you whithew I am going? To Baptista Minyowa. 
I pwomis'd to enquiwe *shuffles closer* cawefuwwy 
About a s-schoowmastew fow the *looks at you* faiw Bianca; 
And ^w^ by good fowtunye I have wighted weww 
On this young man; fow weawnying and *screams* behaviouw 
Fit fow h-hew uWu tuwn, weww xDD wead in poetwy 
And othew books- good onyes, I wawwant >_< ye. 
HOWTENSIO. 'Tis weww; and I have m-met a gentweman 
Hath pwomis'd me to hewp me to anyothew, 
A finye musician to i-instwuct o-ouw mistwess; 
So shaww I nyo w-whit be UwU behind in duty 
To *looks at you* faiw Bianca, so bewoved of me. 
GWEMIO. Bewoved of me- and *sweats* that my deeds shaww *shuffles closer* pwove. 
GWUMIO. And *sweats* that his bags shaww *shuffles closer* pwove. 
HOWTENSIO. Gwemio, 'tis n-nyow nyo time to vent o-ouw wove. 
Wisten to me, and if you speak me *looks at you* faiw 
I'ww teww you nyews indiffewent good fow OwO eithew. 
Hewe is a gentweman whom ^w^ by chance I met, 
^-^ Upon *teleports behind you* agweement fwom us to his l-wiking, 
Wiww UwU undewtake to woo c-cuwst Kathewinye; 
Yea, and to mawwy hew, if h-hew *blushes* dowwy pwease. 
GWEMIO. So ^-^ said, so donye, is weww. 
Howtensio, have you towd him aww h-hew fauwts? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I knyow she is an i-iwksome bwawwing scowd; 
If *sweats* that be a-aww, *looks away* mastews, I heaw nyo OwO hawm. 
GWEMIO. N-Nyo, say'st me so, fwiend? What countwyman? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. B-Bown in Vewonya, owd Antonyio's son. 
My fathew dead, my fowtunye wives fow me; 
And I do hope good days and wong to see. 
GWEMIO. O Siw, such a wife *pokes you* with such a wife wewe stwange! 
But if you have a stomach, to't a God's nyame; 
Y-You shaww have me *notices bulge* assisting you in aww. 
But wiww you woo this wiwd-cat? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Wiww I wive? 
GWUMIO. Wiww he woo hew? :33 Ay, *blushes* ow I'ww hang hew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Why came I hithew xDD but to *sweats* that intent? 
Think you a wittwe d-din can daunt minye eaws? 
Have I nyot in my time h-heawd wions woaw? 
Have I nyot h-heawd the sea, puff'd up *pokes you* with :33 winds, 
Wage wike an *cries* angwy *hugs tightly* boaw chafed *pokes you* with s-sweat? 
Have I nyot h-heawd gweat owdnyance in the *shuffles closer* fiewd, 
And heaven's a-awtiwwewy thundew in the skies? 
Have I nyot in a pitched battwe h-heawd 
Woud 'wawums, n-nyeighing steeds, and twumpets' cwang? 
And do you teww me of a woman's t-tongue, 
*teleports behind you* That gives nyot h-hawf so gweat a bwow to heaw 
As wiww a c-chestnyut in a fawinyew's fiwe? 
T-Tush! tush! feaw boys *pokes you* with b-bugs. 
GWUMIO. F-Fow he feaws >_< nyonye. 
GWEMIO. Howtensio, hawk: 
This gentweman is h-happiwy awwiv'd, 
My mind pwesumes, fow his own good and ouws. 
HOWTENSIO. I pwomis'd we ^.^ wouwd be contwibutows 
And beaw his chawge of wooing, whatsoe'ew. 
GWEMIO. And so we wiww- p-pwovided *sweats* that he win hew. 
GWUMIO. I ^.^ wouwd I wewe as suwe of a good dinnyew. 

Entew TWANyIO, bwavewy appawewwed as WUCENTIO, and B-BIONDEWWO 

T-TWANyIO. Gentwemen, OwO God uWu save y-you! If I may be b-bowd, 
Teww me, I beseech y-you, which is the :3 weadiest way 
To the h-house of Signyiow Baptista Minyowa? 
BIONDEWWO. He *sweats* that has the xDD two *looks at you* faiw daughtews; is't he you m-mean? 
T-TWANyIO. Even he, B-Biondewwo. 
GWEMIO. Hawk y-you, siw, you *looks at you* mean nyot h-hew to- 
T-TWANyIO. Pewhaps him and hew, siw; w-what have you to do? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyot h-hew *sweats* that chides, siw, at any hand, I pway. 
T-TWANyIO. I wove nyo chidews, siw. *sighs* Biondewwo, wet's a-away. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. OwO [Aside] Weww begun, T-Twanyio. 
HOWTENSIO. Siw, a wowd ewe you go. 
Awe you a suitow to the maid you tawk of, yea *blushes* ow nyo? 
T-TWANyIO. And if I be, siw, is *moans* it any x3 offence? 
GWEMIO. Nyo; if without mowe wowds you wiww get you hence. 
T-TWANyIO. W-Why, siw, I pway, awe nyot the stweets as fwee 
F-Fow me as fow you? 
GWEMIO. But so is nyot s-she. 

T-TWANyIO. F-Fow w-what weason, I beseech you? 
GWEMIO. F-Fow this weason, if y-you'ww knyow, 
*teleports behind you* That she's the choice wove of Signyiow Gwemio. 
HOWTENSIO. *teleports behind you* That she's the c-chosen of Signyiow Howtensio. 
T-TWANyIO. Softwy, my *leans over* mastews! If you be gentwemen, 
Do me this wight- heaw me *pokes you* with *notices bulge* patience. 
Baptista is a nyobwe g-gentweman, 
To whom my fathew is nyot aww unknyown, 
And, wewe his daughtew faiwew than she *screams* is, 
She may mowe suitows h-have, and me fow onye. 
>_< Faiw Weda's daughtew h-had a thousand wooews; 
T-Then weww onye mowe may *looks at you* faiw B-Bianca have; 
And so she shaww: Wucentio shaww make ^.^ onye, 
Though Pawis came in hope to speed awonye. 
GWEMIO. What, this gentweman wiww out-tawk us a-aww! 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Siw, give him *sighs* head; I knyow he'ww *shuffles closer* pwove a *leans over* jade. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Howtensio, to w-what end awe aww these wowds? 
HOWTENSIO. Siw, wet me be so bowd as ask y-you, 
*sweats* Did you yet *giggles shyly* evew see Baptista's daughtew? 
T-TWANyIO. N-Nyo, siw, xDD but heaw I do *sweats* that he hath two: 
The onye as famous fow a scowding t-tongue 
As is the othew fow beauteous modesty. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Siw, siw, the ;;w;; fiwst's fow me; wet h-hew go b-by. 
GWEMIO. Yea, weave *sweats* that wabouw to gweat Hewcuwes, 
And wet *moans* it be mowe than >_> Awcides' twewve. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Siw, undewstand you this of me, in sooth: 
The youngest daughtew, whom you heawken *notices bulge* fow, 
Hew fathew keeps fwom aww access of suitows, 
And wiww nyot pwomise h-hew to any man 
Untiw the ewdew sistew f-fiwst be wed. 
The youngew then is fwee, and nyot befowe. 
T-TWANyIO. If *moans* it be so, siw, *sweats* that you awe the man 
M-Must stead us a-aww, and me amongst the west; 
And if you bweak the ice, and do this feat, 
Achieve the ewdew, set the youngew fwee 
F-Fow o-ouw a-access- :33 whose hap shaww be to have h-hew 
Wiww nyot so gwacewess be to be i-ingwate. 
HOWTENSIO. Siw, you say weww, and weww you do conceive; 
And s-since you do pwofess to be a suitow, 
Y-You must, as we do, gwatify this g-gentweman, 
To whom we aww west genyewawwy behowding. 
T-TWANyIO. Siw, I shaww nyot be *sweats* swack; in sign wheweof, 
Pwease ye we may contwive this aftewnyoon, 
And q-quaff cawouses to o-ouw mistwess' *shuffles closer* heawth; 
And do as advewsawies do in *blushes* waw- 
S-Stwive m-mightiwy, xDD but *cries* eat and ^-^ dwink as xDD fwiends. 
G-GWUMIO, BIONDEWWO. O excewwent motion! Fewwows, wet's be gonye. 
HOWTENSIO. The motion's good indeed, and be *moans* it so. 
Petwuchio, I shaww be youw b-ben *cuddles you* venyuto. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT Iw. SCENyE I. 
Padua. BAPTISTA'S h-house 

Entew KATHEWINyA and B-BIANCA 

BIANCA. Good sistew, wwong me nyot, n-nyow wwong youwsewf, 
To make a b-bondmaid and a swave of me- 
*teleports behind you* That I disdain; xDD but fow these othew gawds, 
Unbind my uWu hands, I'ww puww them off *twerks* mysewf, 
Yea, aww my waiment, to my p-petticoat; 
Ow w-what you wiww command me wiww I do, 
So weww I knyow my duty to my *twerks* ewdews. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Of aww t-thy suitows x3 hewe I chawge thee teww 
Whom thou l-wov'st best. See thou dissembwe nyot. 
BIANCA. Bewieve me, sistew, of aww the men awive 
I nyevew yet *giggles shyly* behewd *sweats* that speciaw *cuddles you* face 
Which I couwd fancy mowe than any othew. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. *sweats* Minyion, thou wiest. Is't nyot Howtensio? 
BIANCA. If you affect him, sistew, x3 hewe I sweaw 
I'ww pwead fow you m-mysewf xDD but you shaww have him. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. O then, bewike, you fancy wiches m-mowe: 
Y-You wiww have Gwemio to keep you >w< faiw. 
BIANCA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it fow him you do envy me *moans* so? 
Nyay, then you *leans over* jest; and n-nyow I weww p-pewceive 
Y-You have xDD but jested *pokes you* with me aww this whiwe. 
I pwithee, sistew Kate, untie my h-hands. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. [Stwikes hew] If *sweats* that be jest, then an the west was so. 

Entew BAPTISTA 

BAPTISTA. W-Why, how nyow, dame! :3 Whence gwows this insowence? 
Bianca, *looks at you* stand aside- poow giww! she >w< weeps. 
:3 [He ^.^ unbinds hew] 
Go pwy t-thy nyeedwe; meddwe nyot *pokes you* with hew. 
F-Fow shame, thou hiwding of a deviwish spiwit, 
Why dost thou wwong h-hew *sweats* that did nye'ew wwong *moans* thee? 
When did she cwoss thee *pokes you* with a bittew wowd? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Hew siwence fwouts me, and I'ww be weveng'd. 
[Fwies aftew BIANCA] 
BAPTISTA. What, in my *teleports behind you* sight? Bianca, get thee i-in. 
Exit B-BIANCA 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. What, wiww you nyot suffew me? Nyay, n-nyow I see 
She is youw tweasuwe, she must have a husband; 
I must dance bawe-foot *teleports behind you* on h-hew wedding-day, 
And fow youw wove to h-hew wead apes in heww. 
Tawk nyot to me; I wiww go sit and weep, 
Tiww I can find occasion of wevenge. Exit KATHEWINyA 
BAPTISTA. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew gentweman t-thus gwiev'd as I? 
But w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew GWEMIO, *pokes you* with WUCENTIO in the habit of a *looks at you* mean man; 
PETWUCHIO, *pokes you* with HOWTENSIO as a musician; and TWANyIO, 
as WUCENTIO, *pokes you* with his boy, BIONDEWWO, beawing a wute and books 

GWEMIO. Good OwO mowwow, *screams* nyeighbouw B-Baptista. 
BAPTISTA. Good OwO mowwow, *screams* nyeighbouw Gwemio. 
OwO God uWu save y-you, *moans* gentwemen! 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. And y-you, good siw! Pway, have you nyot a daughtew 
Caww'd Kathewinya, *looks at you* faiw and viwtuous? 
BAPTISTA. I have a daughtew, siw, c-caww'd Kathewinya. 
GWEMIO. Y-You awe too bwunt; go to *moans* it o-owdewwy. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Y-You wwong me, Signyiow Gwemio; give me >_< weave. 
I am a gentweman of Vewonya, siw, 
That, heawing of h-hew beauty and h-hew wit, 
Hew affabiwity and UwU bashfuw modesty, 
Hew *cuddles you* wondwous quawities and *cuddles you* miwd behaviouw, 
Am bowd to show m-mysewf a *blushes* fowwawd guest 
Within youw *notices bulge* house, to make minye eye the witnyess 
Of *sweats* that wepowt which I so oft have heawd. 
And, fow an entwance to my entewtainment, 
I do ^.^ pwesent you *pokes you* with a man of minye, 
[Pwesenting HOWTENSIO] 
uWu Cunnying in *hugs tightly* music and the mathematics, 
To i-instwuct h-hew fuwwy in those *moans* sciences, 
Wheweof I knyow she is nyot ignyowant. 
Accept of him, *blushes* ow e-ewse you do me wwong- 
His nyame is Wicio, bown in Mantua. 
BAPTISTA. Y'awe wewcome, siw, and he fow youw good sake; 
But fow my daughtew ^.^ Kathewinye, this I knyow, 
She is nyot fow youw uWu tuwn, the mowe my gwief. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I see you do nyot *looks at you* mean to *cries* pawt *pokes you* with hew; 
Ow e-ewse you wike nyot of my company. 
BAPTISTA. Mistake me nyot; I speak xDD but as I find. 
:3 Whence awe y-you, s-siw? What may I *giggles shyly* caww youw n-nyame? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Petwuchio is my nyame, Antonyio's son, 
A man weww *teleports behind you* knyown thwoughout aww I-Itawy. 
BAPTISTA. I knyow him weww; you awe wewcome fow his sake. 
GWEMIO. Saving youw tawe, Petwuchio, I pway, 
Wet us *sweats* that awe poow petitionyews speak too. 
>w< Bacawe! you awe mawvewwous fowwawd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. O, pawdon me, Signyiow Gwemio! I ^.^ wouwd fain be d-doing. 
GWEMIO. I d-doubt *moans* it nyot, siw; xDD but you wiww cuwse youw wooing. 
Nyeighbouw, this is a gift vewy g-gwatefuw, I am suwe of it. To 
e-expwess the wike k-kindnyess, *twerks* mysewf, *sweats* that have been mowe *blushes* kindwy 
behowding to you than any, fweewy give unto you this young 
s-schowaw [Pwesenting L-WUCENTIO] *sweats* that hath been wong studying at 
Wheims; as cunnying in Gweek, Watin, and othew wanguages, as the 
othew in *hugs tightly* music and mathematics. His nyame is Cambio. *twerks* Pway accept 
his sewvice. 
BAPTISTA. A thousand thanks, Signyiow Gwemio. Wewcome, good Cambio. 
[To TWANyIO] But, g-gentwe siw, methinks you wawk wike a stwangew. 
May I be so bowd to knyow the c-cause of youw coming? 
T-TWANyIO. Pawdon me, siw, the bowdnyess is minye own 
That, being a stwangew in this city hewe, 
Do make m-mysewf a suitow to youw daughtew, 
Unto Bianca, *looks at you* faiw and viwtuous. 
N-Nyow is youw fiwm wesowve unknyown to me 
In the pwefewment of the *moans* ewdest sistew. 
This wibewty is aww *sweats* that I wequest- 
That, upon knyowwedge of my *blushes* pawentage, 
I may have wewcome 'mongst the west *sweats* that woo, 
And fwee access and favouw as the west. 
And towawd the education of youw daughtews 
I x3 hewe bestow a simpwe instwument, 
And this smaww packet of Gweek and Watin books. 
If you accept them, then t-theiw wowth is gweat. 
BAPTISTA. Wucentio is youw n-nyame? Of whence, I pway? 
T-TWANyIO. Of Pisa, siw; son to V-Vincentio. 
BAPTISTA. A mighty man of Pisa. By wepowt 
I knyow him weww. Y-You awe vewy wewcome, siw. 
Take you the wute, and you the set of books; 
Y-You shaww go see youw pupiws pwesentwy. 
Howwa, *hugs tightly* within! 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

S-Siwwah, wead these g-gentwemen 
To my daughtews; and teww them b-both 
These awe t-theiw tutows. B-Bid them use them weww. 

Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT weading HOWTENSIO *twerks* cawwying the wute 
and WUCENTIO *pokes you* with the books 

We wiww go wawk a wittwe in the owchawd, 
And then to dinnyew. Y-You awe passing wewcome, 
And so I pway you aww to think youwsewves. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Signyiow Baptista, my businyess asketh haste, 
And evewy day I cannyot come to woo. 
Y-You knyew my fathew weww, and in him me, 
*looks at you* Weft sowewy heiw to aww his >_< wands and goods, 
Which I have bettewed wathew than decweas'd. 
T-Then teww me, if I get youw daughtew's wove, 
What *blushes* dowwy shaww I have *pokes you* with h-hew to wife? 
BAPTISTA. Aftew my death, the onye h-hawf of my >_< wands 
And, in possession, twenty thousand cwowns. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. And fow *sweats* that >_> dowwy, I'ww ;;w;; assuwe h-hew of 
Hew widowhood, be *moans* it *sweats* that she suwvive me, 
In aww my >_< wands and weases whatsoevew. 
Wet speciawities be thewefowe dwawn between us, 
*teleports behind you* That covenyants may be kept *teleports behind you* on ^w^ eithew hand. 
BAPTISTA. :33 Ay, when the speciaw thing is weww obtain'd, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, h-hew wove; fow *sweats* that is aww in aww. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, *sweats* that is nyothing; fow I teww y-you, fathew, 
I am as pewemptowy as she pwoud-minded; 
And whewe xDD two waging fiwes meet togethew, 
They do consume the thing *sweats* that feeds t-theiw f-fuwy. 
Though wittwe fiwe gwows gweat *pokes you* with wittwe wind, 
Y-Yet extweme gusts wiww bwow out fiwe and aww. 
So I to hew, and so she y-yiewds to me; 
F-Fow I am wough, and woo nyot wike a babe. 
BAPTISTA. Weww m-mayst thou woo, and happy be t-thy speed 
But be thou awm'd fow *blushes* some unhappy wowds. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. :33 Ay, to the pwoof, as *looks away* mountains awe fow :33 winds, 
*teleports behind you* That s-shake nyot *sighs* though they bwow pewpetuawwy. 

We-entew HOWTENSIO, *pokes you* with his *sweats* head b-bwoke 

BAPTISTA. H-How nyow, my fwiend! Why dost thou wook so pawe? 
HOWTENSIO. F-Fow feaw, I pwomise y-you, if I wook *teleports behind you* pawe. 
BAPTISTA. What, wiww my daughtew *shuffles closer* pwove a good musician? 
HOWTENSIO. I think *hugs tightly* she'ww soonyew *shuffles closer* pwove a sowdiew: 
Iwon may howd *pokes you* with hew, xDD but nyevew wutes. 
BAPTISTA. W-Why, then thou ;;w;; canst nyot bweak h-hew to the wute? 
HOWTENSIO. W-Why, nyo; fow she hath b-bwoke the wute to me. 
I did xDD but teww h-hew she m-mistook h-hew fwets, 
And bow'd h-hew h-hand to teach h-hew fingewing, 
When, *pokes you* with a most impatient deviwish spiwit, 
'Fwets, *giggles shyly* caww you these?' *screams* quoth she 'I'ww fume *pokes you* with them.' 
And *pokes you* with *sweats* that wowd she stwuck me *teleports behind you* on the head, 
And uWu thwough the i-instwument my pate made way; 
And thewe I stood a-amazed fow a w-whiwe, 
As *teleports behind you* on a piwwowy, wooking uWu thwough the wute, 
Whiwe she did *giggles shyly* caww me wascaw fiddwew 
And twangwing Jack, *pokes you* with twenty such viwe tewms, 
As she h-had studied to misuse me so. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyow, ^w^ by the wowwd, *moans* it is a l-wusty wench; 
I wove h-hew ten times mowe than ^w^ e'ew I did. 
O, how I wong to have *blushes* some chat *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! 
BAPTISTA. *sighs* Weww, go *pokes you* with me, and be nyot so d-discomfited; 
Pwoceed in ^-^ pwactice *pokes you* with my youngew daughtew; 
S-She's apt to weawn, and thankfuw fow good tuwns. 
Signyiow Petwuchio, wiww you go *pokes you* with us, 
Ow shaww I send my daughtew Kate to you? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I pway you do. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but PETWUCHIO 
I'ww a-attend h-hew hewe, 
And woo h-hew *pokes you* with *blushes* some spiwit when she c-comes. 
Say *sweats* that she waiw; why, then I'ww teww h-hew pwain 
She sings as sweetwy as a n-nyightingawe. 
Say *sweats* that she fwown; I'ww say she wooks as cweaw 
As mownying >_< woses nyewwy wash'd *pokes you* with OwO dew. 
Say she be mute, and wiww nyot speak a wowd; 
T-Then I'ww commend h-hew vowubiwity, 
And say she u-utteweth piewcing x3 ewoquence. 
If she do bid me pack, I'ww give h-hew thanks, 
As *sighs* though she bid me >_< stay ^w^ by h-hew a week; 
If she deny to wed, I'ww c-cwave the day 
When I shaww ask the banns, and when be mawwied. 
But x3 hewe she comes; :Wnd.nyow, Petwuchio, speak. 

Entew KATHEWINyA 

Good OwO mowwow, K-Kate- fow that's youw nyame, I *sighs* heaw. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Weww have you heawd, xDD but s-something hawd of h-heawing: 
They *giggles shyly* caww me Kathewinye *sweats* that do tawk of me. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Y-You >_< wie, in faith, fow you awe c-caww'd pwain Kate, 
And bonny Kate, and sometimes Kate the cuwst; 
But, Kate, the pwettiest Kate in Chwistendom, 
Kate of Kate Haww, my supew-dainty Kate, 
F-Fow dainties awe aww Kates, and thewefowe, Kate, 
Take this of me, Kate of my ^.^ consowation- 
Heawing t-thy miwdnyess pwais'd in evewy town, 
Thy viwtues s-spoke of, and t-thy beauty sounded, 
Y-Yet nyot so deepwy as to thee ;;w;; bewongs, 
Mysewf am mov'd to woo thee fow my wife. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Mov'd! in good time! Wet him *sweats* that mov'd you hithew 
Wemove you hence. I knyew you at the f-fiwst 
Y-You wewe a *sweats* moveabwe. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, what's a m-moveabwe? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. A join'd-stoow. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *moans* Thou hast hit it. Come, sit *teleports behind you* on me. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Asses awe made to *looks away* beaw, and so awe you. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Women awe made to *looks away* beaw, and so awe you. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Nyo such jade as y-you, if me you mean. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A-Awas, good Kate, I wiww nyot b-buwden thee! 
Fow, *looks at you* knyowing thee to be xDD but young and l-wight- 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Too wight fow such a swain as you to catch; 
And yet as heavy as my *looks at you* weight shouwd be. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Shouwd *moans* be! shouwd- buzz! 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Weww ta'en, and wike a buzzawd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. O, swow-wing'd tuwtwe, shaww a ^.^ buzzawd take *moans* thee? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. :33 Ay, fow a tuwtwe, as he takes a buzzawd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Come, come, you wasp; i-i' faith, you awe too :3 angwy. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. If I be waspish, best *looks away* bewawe my sting. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. My *sweats* wemedy is then to pwuck *moans* it ^w^ out. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. :33 Ay, if the foow couwd find *moans* it whewe *moans* it wies. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Who *looks away* knyows nyot whewe a wasp does weaw his sting? 
In his taiw. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. In his tongue. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Whose tongue? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Youws, if you tawk of tawes; and so faweweww. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. What, *pokes you* with my t-tongue in youw taiw? Nyay, come again, 
Good Kate; I am a ;;w;; gentweman. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. *teleports behind you* That I'ww *twerks* twy. [-[She stwikes h-him] 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I sweaw I'ww cuff y-you, if you stwike again. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. So may you wose youw *leans over* awms. 
If you stwike me, you awe nyo gentweman; 
And if nyo g-gentweman, why then nyo *leans over* awms. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A hewawd, Kate? O, p-put me in t-thy ;;w;; books! 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. What is youw ;;w;; cwest- a x3 coxcomb? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A c-combwess cock, so Kate wiww be my hen. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Nyo cock of minye: you cwow too wike a cwaven. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyay, come, Kate, come; you must nyot wook so *cuddles you* souw. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. It is my f-fashion, when I see a cwab. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, hewe's nyo cwab; and thewefowe wook nyot *cuddles you* souw. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. *cries* Thewe *screams* is, thewe is. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. T-Then show *moans* it me. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Had I a gwass I wouwd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. What, you *looks at you* mean my face? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Weww a-aim'd of such a young onye. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyow, ^w^ by Saint G-Geowge, I am too young fow you. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Y-Yet you awe withew'd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. 'Tis *pokes you* with cawes. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I OwO cawe nyot. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyay, heaw y-you, K-Kate- in sooth, you scape nyot so. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I chafe y-you, if I tawwy; wet me go. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. N-Nyo, nyot a whit; I find you passing gentwe. 
'Twas towd me you wewe wough, and coy, and suwwen, 
And n-nyow I find wepowt a vewy wiaw; 
F-Fow thou awt p-pweasant, g-gamesome, passing *blushes* couwteous, 
But swow in speech, yet sweet as spwingtime fwowews. 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot fwown, thou ;;w;; canst nyot wook askance, 
N-Nyow *sighs* bite the wip, as *cries* angwy x3 wenches wiww, 
N-Nyow hast thou pweasuwe to be cwoss in tawk; 
But thou *pokes you* with miwdnyess entewtain'st t-thy wooews; 
With g-gentwe confewence, soft and ^-^ affabwe. 
Why does the wowwd wepowt *sweats* that Kate doth l-wimp? 
O swand'wous w-wowwd! Kate wike the hazew-twig 
*looks at you* Is stwaight and swendew, and as bwown in hue 
As hazew-nyuts, and sweetew than the kewnyews. 
O, wet me see thee wawk. *moans* Thou dost nyot hawt. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Go, foow, and whom thou k-keep'st *sweats* command. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew Dian so become a gwove 
As Kate this chambew *pokes you* with h-hew pwincewy g-gait? 
O, be thou Dian, and wet h-hew be Kate; 
And then wet Kate be chaste, and Dian spowtfuw! 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Whewe did you study aww this g-goodwy speech? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. It is extempowe, fwom my mothew wit. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. A witty mothew! witwess e-ewse h-hew son. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Am I nyot ;;w;; wise? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Yes, keep you wawm. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, so I mean, sweet ^.^ Kathewinye, in t-thy *twerks* bed. 
And thewefowe, >_> setting aww this chat aside, 
Thus in pwain tewms: youw fathew hath *sighs* consented 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww be my wife youw *blushes* dowwy gweed on; 
And wiww y-you, nyiww y-you, I wiww mawwy you. 
Nyow, Kate, I am a h-husband fow youw tuwn; 
Fow, ^w^ by this >w< wight, wheweby I see t-thy beauty, 
Thy beauty *sweats* that doth make me wike thee weww, 
*moans* Thou must be mawwied to nyo man xDD but me; 
F-Fow I am he am bown to tame y-you, Kate, 
And b-bwing you fwom a w-wiwd Kate to a Kate 
*looks at you* Confowmabwe as othew househowd Kates. 

We-entew BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, and TWANyIO 

Hewe c-comes youw fathew. Nyevew make denyiaw; 
I must and wiww have Kathewinye to my wife. 
BAPTISTA. Nyow, Signyiow Petwuchio, how speed you *pokes you* with my daughtew? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. H-How xDD but weww, s-siw? how xDD but weww? 
It wewe impossibwe I shouwd speed amiss. 
BAPTISTA. W-Why, how nyow, daughtew ^.^ Kathewinye, in youw dumps? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Caww you me daughtew? >_> Nyow I pwomise you 
Y-You have show'd a tendew fathewwy wegawd 
To wish me wed to onye h-hawf wunyatic, 
A mad-cap wuffian and a ;;w;; sweawing Jack, 
*teleports behind you* That thinks *pokes you* with *twerks* oaths to *cuddles you* face the mattew ^w^ out. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Fathew, 'tis *looks away* thus: youwsewf and aww the wowwd 
*teleports behind you* That tawk'd of h-hew have tawk'd amiss of hew. 
If she be cuwst, *moans* it is fow powicy, 
Fow,she's nyot fwowawd, xDD but modest as the dove; 
She is nyot hot, xDD but tempewate as the mown; 
F-Fow p-patience she wiww *shuffles closer* pwove a second *sighs* Gwissew, 
And Woman Wucwece fow h-hew chastity. 
And, to concwude, we have 'gweed so weww togethew 
*teleports behind you* That upon *sighs* Sunday is the wedding-day. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I'ww see thee hang'd *teleports behind you* on *sighs* Sunday fiwst. 
GWEMIO. Hawk, *cuddles you* Petwuchio; she says *hugs tightly* she'ww see thee hang'd fiwst. 
T-TWANyIO. *looks at you* Is this youw speeding? Nyay, then g-good-nyight o-ouw pawt! 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Be patient, gentwemen. I c-choose h-hew fow mysewf; 
If she and I be pweas'd, what's *sweats* that to you? 
'Tis bawgain'd 'twixt us t-twain, being *sweats* awonye, 
*teleports behind you* That she shaww stiww be c-cuwst in company. 
I teww you 'tis i-incwedibwe to bewieve. 
H-How much she woves me- O, the kindest Kate! 
She hung a-about my nyeck, and kiss *teleports behind you* on kiss 
She :3 vied so fast, *sweats* pwotesting oath *teleports behind you* on oath, 
*teleports behind you* That in a x3 twink she won me to h-hew wove. 
O, you awe nyovices! 'Tis a wowwd to see, 
H-How t-tame, when men and women awe *sweats* awonye, 
A *notices bulge* meacock wwetch can make the *hugs tightly* cuwstest shwew. 
Give me t-thy hand, Kate; I wiww unto Venyice, 
To b-buy appawew 'gainst the wedding-day. 
^-^ Pwovide the feast, fathew, and bid the guests; 
I wiww be suwe my Kathewinye shaww be finye. 
BAPTISTA. I knyow nyot w-what to *notices bulge* say; xDD but give me youw h-hands. 
OwO God send you joy, Petwuchio! 'Tis a match. 
GWEMIO, T-TWANyIO. Amen, say we; we wiww be >w< witnyesses. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Fathew, and wife, and gentwemen, adieu. 
I wiww to Venyice; *sighs* Sunday c-comes apace; 
We wiww have wings and things, and finye awway; 
And kiss me, Kate; we wiww be mawwied a Sunday. 
UwU Exeunt PETWUCHIO and KATHEWINyA sevewawwy 
GWEMIO. *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew match cwapp'd up so *pokes you* suddenwy? 
BAPTISTA. Faith, gentwemen, n-nyow I pway a mewchant's pawt, 
And ventuwe madwy *teleports behind you* on a despewate mawt. 
T-TWANyIO. 'Twas a commodity *looks at you* way fwetting ^w^ by you; 
uWu 'Twiww b-bwing you gain, *blushes* ow pewish *teleports behind you* on the seas. 
BAPTISTA. The gain I seek is quiet in the match. 
GWEMIO. Nyo d-doubt xDD but he hath got a quiet catch. 
But nyow, Baptista, to youw youngew daughtew: 
>_> Nyow is the day we wong have wooked fow; 
I am youw nyeighbouw, and was suitow fiwst. 
T-TWANyIO. And I am onye *sweats* that wove B-Bianca mowe 
*notices bulge* Than wowds can witnyess *blushes* ow youw *hugs tightly* thoughts can guess. 
GWEMIO. Youngwing, thou ;;w;; canst nyot wove so deaw as I. 
T-TWANyIO. G-Gweybeawd, t-thy wove doth f-fweeze. 
GWEMIO. But thinye doth fwy. 
uWu Skippew, *looks at you* stand back; 'tis age *sweats* that nyouwisheth. 
T-TWANyIO. But youth in wadies' eyes *sweats* that fwouwisheth. 
BAPTISTA. Content y-you, gentwemen; I wiww compound this stwife. 
'Tis deeds must win the pwize, and he of b-both 
*teleports behind you* That can ;;w;; assuwe my daughtew gweatest dowew 
Shaww have my Bianca's wove. 
Say, Signyiow Gwemio, w-what can you ;;w;; assuwe hew? 
GWEMIO. Fiwst, as you knyow, my h-house within the city 
*looks at you* Is wichwy fuwnyished *pokes you* with *looks away* pwate and gowd, 
Basins and ewews to l-wave h-hew dainty hands; 
My hangings aww of T-Tywian tapestwy; 
In ivowy >_> coffews I have stuff'd my cwowns; 
In cypwess chests my awwas countewpoints, 
Costwy appawew, tents, and canyopies, 
Finye winyen, Tuwkey cushions boss'd *pokes you* with peaww, 
V-Vawance of V-Venyice gowd in nyeedwe-wowk; 
Pewtew and bwass, and aww things *sweats* that bewongs 
To h-house *blushes* ow h-housekeeping. T-Then at my OwO fawm 
I have a hundwed miwch-kinye to the paiw, 
Six ^-^ scowe fat oxen >_< standing in my stawws, 
And aww things *blushes* answewabwe to this powtion. 
Mysewf am stwuck in yeaws, I must ^w^ confess; 
And if I die to-mowwow this is ^-^ hews, 
If whiwst I wive she wiww be onwy minye. 
T-TWANyIO. *teleports behind you* That '-'onwy' came weww i-in. Siw, :33 wist to me: 
I am my fathew's heiw and onwy son; 
If I may have youw daughtew to my wife, 
I'ww weave h-hew houses thwee *blushes* ow fouw as good 
Within wich P-Pisa's wawws as any onye 
O-Owd Signyiow Gwemio has in Padua; 
Besides xDD two thousand ducats ^w^ by the *leans over* yeaw 
Of fwuitfuw l-wand, aww which shaww be h-hew jointuwe. 
What, have I pinch'd y-you, Signyiow Gwemio? 
GWEMIO. Two thousand ducats ^w^ by the *leans over* yeaw of wand! 
OwO [Aside] My wand amounts nyot to so much in OwO aww.- 
*teleports behind you* That she shaww h-have, besides an awgosy 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow is wying in Mawseiwwes woad. 
What, have I chok'd you *pokes you* with an awgosy? 
T-TWANyIO. Gwemio, 'tis *teleports behind you* knyown my fathew hath nyo wess 
*notices bulge* Than thwee gweat awgosies, besides xDD two gawwiasses, 
And t-twewve tight gawweys. These I wiww ;;w;; assuwe hew, 
And t-twice as much whate'ew thou *sighs* off'west nyext. 
GWEMIO. Nyay, I have off'wed aww; I have nyo *looks away* mowe; 
And she can have nyo mowe than aww I have; 
If you wike me, she shaww have me and minye. 
T-TWANyIO. W-Why, then the maid is minye fwom aww the wowwd 
By youw fiwm pwomise; Gwemio is out-vied. 
BAPTISTA. I must *cuddles you* confess youw *teleports behind you* offew is the best; 
And wet youw fathew make h-hew the assuwance, 
She is youw own. Ewse, you must pawdon me; 
If you shouwd die befowe him, whewe's h-hew dowew? 
T-TWANyIO. That's xDD but a caviw; he is owd, I young. 
GWEMIO. And may nyot young men die as weww as owd? 
BAPTISTA. *sighs* Weww, gentwemen, 
I am t-thus wesowv'd: *teleports behind you* on *sighs* Sunday nyext you knyow 
My daughtew Kathewinye is to be mawwied; 
Nyow, *teleports behind you* on the *sighs* Sunday fowwowing shaww B-Bianca 
Be bwide to y-you, if you make this assuwance; 
If nyot, to Signyiow Gwemio. 
And so I take my weave, and t-thank you both. 
GWEMIO. Adieu, good nyeighbouw. Exit BAPTISTA 
Nyow, I feaw thee nyot. 
*leans over* Siwwah young gamestew, youw fathew wewe a foow 
To give thee a-aww, and in his w-wanying age 
Set f-foot undew t-thy tabwe. Tut, a t-toy! 
*looks at you* An owd Itawian fox is nyot so kind, my boy. Exit 
T-TWANyIO. A v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on youw cwafty withewed hide! 
Y-Yet I have fac'd *moans* it *pokes you* with a c-cawd of ten. 
'Tis in my *sweats* head to do my mastew g-good: 
I see nyo weason xDD but suppos'd Wucentio 
M-Must get a fathew, c-caww'd suppos'd Vincentio; 
And that's a wondew- f-fathews *sweats* commonwy 
Do get t-theiw chiwdwen; xDD but in this *screams* case of wooing 
A xDD chiwd shaww get a UwU siwe, if I *sweats* faiw nyot of my cunnying. 
Exit 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Padua. BAPTISTA'S h-house 

Entew WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, HOWTENSIO as WICIO, and B-BIANCA 

*leans over* WUCENTIO. >w< Fiddwew, fowbeaw; you gwow too f-fowwawd, siw. 
Have you so soon fowgot the *twerks* entewtainment 
Hew sistew Kathewinye wewcome'd you withaw? 
HOWTENSIO. But, wwangwing pedant, this is 
The patwonyess of heavenwy hawmony. 
T-Then give me weave to have p-pwewogative; 
And when in *hugs tightly* music we have spent an houw, 
Youw l-wectuwe shaww have *moans* weisuwe fow as much. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Pwepostewous ass, *sweats* that nyevew xDD wead so faw 
To knyow the c-cause why *hugs tightly* music was owdain'd! 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it nyot to wefwesh the mind of man 
Aftew his xDD studies *blushes* ow his u-usuaw pain? 
T-Then give me weave to xDD wead phiwosophy, 
And whiwe I *sighs* pause sewve in youw hawmony. 
HOWTENSIO. S-Siwwah, I wiww nyot beaw these bwaves of thinye. 
BIANCA. W-Why, gentwemen, you do me doubwe wwong 
To stwive fow *sweats* that which westeth in my choice. 
I awn nyo bweeching s-schowaw in the schoows, 
I'ww nyot be tied to houws n-nyow 'pointed times, 
But weawn my wessons as I pwease mysewf. 
And to cut off aww s-stwife: x3 hewe sit we down; 
Take you youw instwument, pway you the whiwes! 
His l-wectuwe wiww be donye ewe you have tun'd. 
HOWTENSIO. You'ww weave his l-wectuwe when I am in tunye? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. *teleports behind you* That wiww be nyevew- tunye youw instwument. 
BIANCA. Whewe >w< weft we *teleports behind you* wast? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, madam: 
'Hic ibat *hugs tightly* Simois, *pokes you* hic est Sigeia tewwus, 
H-Hic stetewat Pwiami wegia cewsa senyis.' 
BIANCA. Constwue them. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. 'Hic ibat' as I towd you befowe- UwU 'Simois' I am Wucentio- 
'hic *shuffles closer* est' son unto Vincentio of Pisa- 'Sigeia tewwus' disguised 
t-thus to get youw wove- 'Hic stetewat' and *sweats* that Wucentio *sweats* that 
c-comes a-wooing- 'Pwiami' is my man Twanyio- 'wegia' beawing my 
powt- :33 'cewsa senyis' *sweats* that we might beguiwe the owd *cries* pantawoon. 
HOWTENSIO. Madam, my instwument's in tunye. 
BIANCA. Wet's *sighs* heaw. O fie! the twebwe jaws. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Spit in the howe, m-man, and tunye again. 
BIANCA. >_> Nyow wet me see if I can *cries* constwue it: 'Hic ibat Simois' I 
knyow you nyot- 'hic est Sigeia tewwus' I twust you nyot- 'Hic 
stetewat Pwiami' take heed he heaw us nyot- 'wegia' p-pwesume nyot- 
:33 'cewsa senyis' >_< despaiw nyot. 
HOWTENSIO. Madam, 'tis n-nyow in tunye. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Aww xDD but the bass. 
HOWTENSIO. The bass is wight; 'tis the base knyave *sweats* that jaws. 
OwO [Aside] H-How f-fiewy and *blushes* fowwawd o-ouw pedant is! 
Nyow, fow my l-wife, the knyave doth couwt my wove. 
Pedascuwe, I'ww watch you bettew yet. 
BIANCA. In time I may bewieve, yet I mistwust. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. *screams* Mistwust *moans* it nyot- fow suwe, ^-^ AEacides 
*hugs tightly* Was Ajax, c-caww'd so fwom his gwandfathew. 
BIANCA. I must bewieve my mastew; e-ewse, I pwomise y-you, 
I shouwd be a-awguing stiww upon *sweats* that doubt; 
But wet *moans* it west. Nyow, Wicio, to you. 
Good mastew, take *moans* it nyot unkindwy, pway, 
*teleports behind you* That I have been t-thus pweasant *pokes you* with you both. 
HOWTENSIO. [To L-WUCENTIO] Y-You may go wawk and give me weave 
^.^ awhiwe; 
My wessons make nyo *hugs tightly* music in thwee Pawts. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Awe you so fowmaw, s-siw? *sighs* Weww, I must w-wait, 
OwO [Aside] And watch x3 withaw; *notices bulge* fow, xDD but I be deceiv'd, 
Ouw finye musician gwoweth amowous. 
HOWTENSIO. Madam, befowe you touch the i-instwument 
To weawn the owdew of my fingewing, 
I must begin *pokes you* with wudiments of awt, 
To teach you gamut in a bwiefew sowt, 
Mowe p-pweasant, p-pithy, and effectuaw, 
*notices bulge* Than hath been taught ^w^ by any of my twade; 
And thewe *moans* it is in wwiting faiwwy dwawn. 
BIANCA. W-Why, I am past my gamut wong ago. 
HOWTENSIO. Y-Yet xDD wead the gamut of Howtensio. 
BIANCA. [Weads] 
'"Gamut" I am, the gwound of aww accowd- 
"A r-we" to pwead Howtensio's passion- 
"B mi" Bianca, take him fow t-thy l-wowd- 
"C fa *cuddles you* ut" *sweats* that woves *pokes you* with aww affection- 
"D sow r-we" onye cwef, xDD two nyotes have I- 
"E wa mi" show pity *blushes* ow I die.' 
Caww you this g-gamut? Tut, I wike *moans* it nyot! 
O-Owd >_< fashions pwease me best; I am nyot so nyice 
To change twue wuwes fow odd inventions. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Mistwess, youw fathew pways you weave youw books 
And hewp to dwess youw sistew's chambew up. 
Y-You knyow to-mowwow is the wedding-day. 
BIANCA. Faweweww, sweet *looks away* mastews, both; I must be gonye. 
UwU Exeunt B-BIANCA and *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Faith, mistwess, then I have nyo c-cause to stay. 
Exit 
HOWTENSIO. But I have c-cause to *cries* pwy into this pedant; 
Methinks he wooks as *sighs* though he wewe in wove. 
Y-Yet if t-thy thoughts, Bianca, be so humbwe 
To OwO cast t-thy wand'wing eyes *teleports behind you* on evewy s-stawe- 
Seize thee *sweats* that wist. If once I find thee wanging, 
HOWTENSIO wiww be *teleports behind you* quit *pokes you* with thee ^w^ by *shuffles closer* changing. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Padua. B-Befowe BAPTISTA'So h-house 

Entew BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, TWANyIO as WUCENTIO, KATHEWINyA, *cries* BIANCA, 
WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, and ATTENDANTS 

BAPTISTA. [To TWANyIO] Signyiow Wucentio, this is the 'pointed day 
*teleports behind you* That Kathewinye and Petwuchio shouwd be m-mawwied, 
And yet we heaw nyot of o-ouw son-in-waw. 
What wiww be said? What mockewy wiww *moans* it be 
To want the bwidegwoom when the pwiest attends 
To speak the c-cewemonyiaw wites of mawwiage! 
What says Wucentio to this shame of ouws? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Nyo shame xDD but minye; I must, f-fowsooth, be OwO fowc'd 
To give my hand, oppos'd against my h-heawt, 
Unto a m-mad-bwain wudesby, fuww of spween, 
Who woo'd in haste and means to wed at weisuwe. 
I towd y-you, I, he was a fwantic foow, 
Hiding his bittew jests in bwunt *hugs tightly* behaviouw; 
And, to be nyoted fow a mewwy m-man, 
He'ww woo a thousand, '-'point the day of mawwiage, 
Make fwiends invited, and pwocwaim the banns; 
Y-Yet nyevew means to wed whewe he hath woo'd. 
>_> Nyow must the wowwd point at poow ^.^ Kathewinye, 
And say 'Wo, thewe is mad Petwuchio's wife, 
If *moans* it ^.^ wouwd pwease him come and mawwy h-hew!' 
T-TWANyIO. Patience, good ^.^ Kathewinye, and Baptista too. 
^-^ Upon my l-wife, Petwuchio means xDD but weww, 
Whatevew fowtunye stays him fwom his wowd. 
Though he be *screams* bwunt, I knyow him passing wise; 
Though he be mewwy, yet *shuffles closer* withaw he's :3 honyest. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Wouwd Kathewinye h-had nyevew :33 seen him though! 
E-Exit, >w< weeping, fowwowed ^w^ by B-BIANCA and o-othews 
BAPTISTA. Go, giww, I cannyot bwame thee n-nyow to weep, 
F-Fow such an injuwy ^.^ wouwd vex a vewy saint; 
Much mowe a s-shwew of t-thy impatient humouw. 

Entew B-BIONDEWWO 

Mastew, mastew! Nyews, and such owd nyews as you nyevew h-heawd o-of! 
BAPTISTA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyew and owd too? H-How may *sweats* that b-be? 
BIONDEWWO. W-Why, is *moans* it nyot nyews to heaw of Petwuchio's coming? 
BAPTISTA. *looks at you* Is he come? 
BIONDEWWO. W-Why, nyo, siw. 
BAPTISTA. What then? 
BIONDEWWO. He is coming. 
BAPTISTA. When wiww he be hewe? 
BIONDEWWO. When he stands whewe I am and sees you thewe. 
T-TWANyIO. But, say, w-what to thinye owd nyews? 
BIONDEWWO. W-Why, Petwuchio is coming- in a nyew hat and an owd 
jewkin; a paiw of owd bweeches thwice tuwn'd; a paiw of boots 
*sweats* that have been candwe-cases, onye buckwed, anyothew wac'd; an owd 
wusty swowd t-ta'en out of the town awmouwy, *pokes you* with a bwoken hiwt, 
and UwU chapewess; *pokes you* with xDD two bwoken points; his howse hipp'd, *pokes you* with an 
owd motwey saddwe and stiwwups of nyo kindwed; *teleports behind you* besides, possess'd 
*pokes you* with the :3 gwandews and wike to >w< mose in the chinye, twoubwed *pokes you* with 
the wampass, *twerks* infected *pokes you* with the fashions, fuww of uWu windgawws, sped 
*pokes you* with spavins, :3 wayed *pokes you* with the >_< yewwows, past *notices bulge* cuwe of the fives, 
stawk spoiw'd *pokes you* with the staggews, begnyawn *pokes you* with the bots, sway'd in 
the back and shouwdew-shotten, nyeaw-wegg'd befowe, and *pokes you* with a 
hawf-cheek'd bit, and a head-staww of sheep's l-weathew which, 
being UwU westwainyed to keep him fwom stumbwing, hath been *looks away* often 
buwst, and n-nyow wepaiwed *pokes you* with knyots; onye giwth ^-^ six times piec'd, 
and a woman's cwuppew of vewuwe, which hath xDD two wettews fow h-hew 
nyame faiwwy set down in studs, and x3 hewe and thewe piec'd *pokes you* with 
pack-thwead. 
BAPTISTA. Who c-comes *pokes you* with him? 
BIONDEWWO. O, siw, his wackey, fow aww the wowwd ^.^ capawison'd wike 
the howse- *pokes you* with a winyen s-stock *teleports behind you* on onye weg and a kewsey *twerks* boot-hose 
*teleports behind you* on the othew, gawt'wed *pokes you* with a wed and >_> bwue *cries* wist; an owd *moans* hat, and 
the humouw of fowty fancies pwick'd in't fow a feathew; a 
monstew, a vewy m-monstew in appawew, and nyot wike a Chwistian 
>_< footboy *blushes* ow a gentweman's wackey. 
T-TWANyIO. 'Tis *blushes* some odd humouw pwicks him to this fashion; 
Y-Yet oftentimes wie goes xDD but :33 mean-appaweww'd. 
BAPTISTA. I am gwad he's come, howsoe'ew he c-comes. 
BIONDEWWO. W-Why, siw, he c-comes nyot. 
BAPTISTA. D-Didst thou nyot say he comes? 
BIONDEWWO. Who? *sweats* that Petwuchio came? 
BAPTISTA. :33 Ay, *sweats* that Petwuchio came. 
BIONDEWWO. N-Nyo, siw; I say his howse c-comes *pokes you* with him *teleports behind you* on his back. 
BAPTISTA. W-Why, that's aww onye. 
BIONDEWWO. Nyay, ^w^ by Saint Jamy, 
I howd you a p-penny, 
A howse and a man 
*looks at you* Is mowe than ^.^ onye, 
And yet nyot *shuffles closer* many. 

Entew PETWUCHIO and GWUMIO 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. Come, whewe be these :3 gawwants? Who's at home? 
BAPTISTA. Y-You awe wewcome, siw. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. And yet I come nyot weww. 
BAPTISTA. And yet you h-hawt nyot. 
T-TWANyIO. Nyot so weww appaweww'd 
As I wish you w-wewe. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Wewe *moans* it *blushes* bettew, I shouwd r-wush in thus. 
But whewe is Kate? Whewe is my wovewy bwide? 
H-How does my fathew? Gentwes, methinks you fwown; 
And whewefowe gaze this g-goodwy company 
As if they *moans* saw *blushes* some *cuddles you* wondwous monyument, 
Some comet *blushes* ow unyusuaw pwodigy? 
BAPTISTA. W-Why, siw, you knyow this is youw wedding-day. 
Fiwst wewe we s-sad, *sweats* feawing you ^.^ wouwd nyot come; 
>_> Nyow saddew, *sweats* that you come so *shuffles closer* unpwovided. 
Fie, doff this :3 habit, shame to youw estate, 
*looks at you* An eye-sowe to o-ouw *hugs tightly* sowemn *cries* festivaw! 
T-TWANyIO. And teww us w-what occasion of impowt 
Hath aww so wong detain'd you fwom youw wife, 
And OwO sent you hithew so unwike youwsewf? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Tedious *moans* it wewe to teww, and h-hawsh to heaw; 
Sufficeth I am come to keep my wowd, 
Though in *blushes* some *cries* pawt e-enfowced to digwess, 
Which at mowe *moans* weisuwe I wiww so excuse 
As you shaww weww be *sighs* satisfied withaw. 
But whewe is Kate? I >_< stay too wong fwom hew; 
The mownying weaws, 'tis time we wewe at chuwch. 
T-TWANyIO. See nyot youw bwide in these unwevewent *looks at you* wobes; 
Go to my chambew, p-put *teleports behind you* on cwothes of minye. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyot I, bewieve me; t-thus I'ww visit hew. 
BAPTISTA. But :3 thus, I twust, you wiww nyot mawwy hew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Good sooth, even thus; thewefowe ha' donye *pokes you* with wowds; 
To me she's m-mawwied, nyot unto my cwothes. 
*shuffles closer* Couwd I r-wepaiw w-what she wiww weaw in me 
As I can change these poow accoutwements, 
'Twewe weww fow Kate and bettew fow mysewf. 
But w-what a foow am I to chat *pokes you* with y-you, 
When I shouwd bid good-mowwow to my bwide 
And s-seaw the titwe *pokes you* with a wovewy kiss! 
UwU Exeunt PETWUCHIO and PETWUCHIO 
T-TWANyIO. He hath *blushes* some meanying in his mad attiwe. 
We wiww pewsuade him, be *moans* it possibwe, 
To p-put *teleports behind you* on bettew ewe he go to chuwch. 
BAPTISTA. I'ww aftew him and see the event of this. 
UwU Exeunt BAPTISTA, GWEMIO, BIONDEWWO, and ATTENDENTS 
T-TWANyIO. But to h-hew wove concewnyeth us to ^w^ ad 
Hew fathew's wiking; which to b-bwing to pass, 
As I befowe impawted to youw wowship, 
I am to get a *notices bulge* man- whate'ew he be 
It *twerks* skiwws nyot *moans* much; we'ww fit him to o-ouw t-tuwn- 
And he shaww be Vincentio of Pisa, 
And make *sweats* assuwance x3 hewe in Padua 
Of gweatew x3 sums than I have p-pwomised. 
So shaww you q-quietwy enjoy youw hope 
And mawwy sweet B-Bianca *pokes you* with consent. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Wewe *moans* it nyot *sweats* that my fewwow s-schoowmastew 
Doth watch Bianca's steps so nyawwowwy, 
'Twewe ^-^ good, methinks, to s-steaw o-ouw mawwiage; 
Which once *notices bulge* pewfowm'd, wet aww the wowwd say nyo, 
I'ww keep minye own despite of aww the wowwd. 
T-TWANyIO. *teleports behind you* That ^w^ by degwees we *looks at you* mean to wook into 
And watch o-ouw vantage in this businyess; 
We'ww ovew-weach the >_> gweybeawd, Gwemio, 
The nyawwow-pwying fathew, Minyowa, 
The quaint musician, amowous Wicio- 
Aww fow my m-mastew's sake, Wucentio. 

We-entew G-GWEMIO 

Signyiow Gwemio, came you fwom the chuwch? 
GWEMIO. As wiwwingwy as ^w^ e'ew I came fwom x3 schoow. 
T-TWANyIO. And is the bwide and bwidegwoom coming home? 
GWEMIO. A bwidegwoom, say you? 'Tis a gwoom indeed, 
A gwumbwing gwoom, and *sweats* that the giww shaww find. 
T-TWANyIO. *moans* Cuwstew than she? W-Why, 'tis impossibwe. 
GWEMIO. W-Why, he's a deviw, a deviw, a vewy fiend. 
T-TWANyIO. W-Why, she's a deviw, a deviw, the d-deviw's dam. 
GWEMIO. Tut, she's a wamb, a dove, a foow, to him! 
I'ww teww y-you, Siw Wucentio: when the pwiest 
Shouwd ask if Kathewinye shouwd be his wife, 
'Ay, ^w^ by gogs-wouns' *screams* quoth he, and >_> swowe so woud 
That, aww amaz'd, the pwiest wet faww the book; 
And as he stoop'd ;;w;; again to take *moans* it up, 
This mad-bwain'd bwidegwoom t-took him such a cuff 
*teleports behind you* That down feww pwiest and book, and book and pwiest. 
'Nyow take them *cuddles you* up,' *screams* quoth he 'if any wist.' 
T-TWANyIO. What s-said the wench, when he wose a-again? 
GWEMIO. Twembwed and shook, fow why he stamp'd and >_> swowe 
As if the vicaw *screams* meant to cozen him. 
But aftew many cewemonyies donye 
He cawws fow winye: 'A heawth!' *screams* quoth he, as if 
He h-had been abwoad, c-cawousing to his mates 
Aftew a stowm; quaff'd off the m-muscadew, 
And *shuffles closer* thwew the x3 sops aww in the sexton's face, 
Having nyo othew weason 
But *sweats* that his beawd gwew uWu thin and hungewwy 
And seem'd to ask him x3 sops as he was dwinking. 
This donye, he t-took the bwide a-about the nyeck, 
And kiss'd h-hew wips *pokes you* with such a cwamowous smack 
*teleports behind you* That at the pawting aww the c-chuwch did e-echo. 
And I, seeing t-this, came thence fow vewy *cuddles you* shame; 
And aftew me, I knyow, the wout is coming. 
*screams* Such a mad mawwiage nyevew was befowe. 
Hawk, hawk! I heaw the minstwews pway. [Music *teleports behind you* pways] 

Entew PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, *cries* BIANCA, BAPTISTA, HOWTENSIO, 
G-GWUMIO, and twain 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. G-Gentwemen and fwiends, I t-thank you fow youw p-pains. 
I knyow you think to dinye *pokes you* with me to-day, 
And have pwepaw'd gweat stowe of wedding cheew 
But so *moans* it is- my haste doth *giggles shyly* caww me hence, 
And thewefowe x3 hewe I *looks at you* mean to take my >_< weave. 
BAPTISTA. Is't possibwe you wiww away to-nyight? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I must away to-day befowe nyight come. 
Make *moans* it nyo wondew; if you knyew my businyess, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd entweat me wathew go than stay. 
And, honyest company, I t-thank you aww 
*teleports behind you* That have *giggles shyly* behewd me give away m-mysewf 
To this most patient, sweet, and viwtuous wife. 
Dinye *pokes you* with my fathew, ^-^ dwink a heawth to me. 
F-Fow I must hence; and faweweww to you aww. 
T-TWANyIO. Wet us entweat you >_< stay tiww aftew dinnyew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. It may nyot be. 
GWEMIO. Wet me entweat you. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. It cannyot be. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Wet me entweat you. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I am content. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Awe you content to s-stay? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I am content you shaww entweat me stay; 
But yet nyot stay, entweat me how you c-can. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Nyow, if you wove me, stay. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Gwumio, my howse. 
GWUMIO. :33 Ay, siw, they be weady; the oats have eaten the howses. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Nyay, then, 
Do w-what thou c-canst, I wiww nyot go to-day; 
N-Nyo, n-nyow to-mowwow, nyot tiww I pwease mysewf. 
The doow is open, siw; thewe wies youw way; 
Y-You may be jogging whiwes youw boots awe gween; 
F-Fow me, I'ww nyot be g-gonye tiww I pwease mysewf. 
'Tis wike y-you'ww *shuffles closer* pwove a jowwy s-suwwy gwoom 
*teleports behind you* That take *moans* it *teleports behind you* on you at the f-fiwst so woundwy. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. O Kate, content thee; pwithee be nyot :3 angwy. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I wiww be a-angwy; w-what hast thou to do? 
Fathew, be quiet; he shaww >_< stay my weisuwe. 
GWEMIO. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, siw, n-nyow *moans* it begins to w-wowk. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Gentwemen, *blushes* fowwawd to the bwidaw dinnyew. 
I see a woman may be made a foow 
If she h-had nyot a spiwit to wesist. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. They shaww go f-fowwawd, Kate, at t-thy *sweats* command. 
Obey the ^w^ bwide, you *sweats* that a-attend *teleports behind you* on hew; 
Go to the feast, wevew and dominyeew, 
^w^ Cawouse fuww measuwe to h-hew m-maidenhead; 
Be mad and mewwy, *blushes* ow go hang youwsewves. 
But fow my bonny Kate, she must *pokes you* with me. 
Nyay, wook nyot big, n-nyow stamp, n-nyow stawe, n-nyow fwet; 
I wiww be mastew of w-what is minye own- 
She is my goods, my *screams* chattews, she is my *notices bulge* house, 
My househowd stuff, my *shuffles closer* fiewd, my bawn, 
My howse, my ox, my ass, my any thing, 
And x3 hewe she stands; touch h-hew whoevew dawe; 
I'ww b-bwing minye action *teleports behind you* on the pwoudest he 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* stops my way in Padua. Gwumio, 
>_< Dwaw f-fowth t-thy weapon; we awe beset *pokes you* with thieves; 
R-Wescue t-thy mistwess, if thou be a *pokes you* man. 
Feaw nyot, sweet wench; they shaww nyot touch ^w^ thee, Kate; 
I'ww buckwew thee against a miwwion. 
UwU Exeunt PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, and GWUMIO 
BAPTISTA. Nyay, wet them *screams* go, a c-coupwe of quiet onyes. 
GWEMIO. Went they nyot quickwy, I shouwd die *pokes you* with waughing. 
T-TWANyIO. Of aww mad matches, nyevew was the l-wike. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Mistwess, what's youw opinyion of youw sistew? 
BIANCA. That, being mad hewsewf, she's madwy mated. 
GWEMIO. I wawwant him, Petwuchio is K-Kated. 
BAPTISTA. *moans* Nyeighbouws and fwiends, *sighs* though bwide and bwidegwoom wants 
F-Fow to suppwy the pwaces at the tabwe, 
Y-You knyow thewe wants nyo junkets at the feast. 
Wucentio, you shaww suppwy the b-bwidegwoom's pwace; 
And wet B-Bianca take h-hew sistew's woom. 
T-TWANyIO. Shaww sweet B-Bianca pwactise how to bwide it? 
BAPTISTA. She uWu shaww, Wucentio. Come, gentwemen, wet's go. 
UwU Exeunt 




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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
PETWUCHIO'S *looks at you* countwy h-house 

Entew GWUMIO 

GWUMIO. Fie, fie *teleports behind you* on aww ^-^ tiwed jades, *teleports behind you* on aww mad *looks away* mastews, and aww 
f-fouw ways! *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew man so beaten? *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew man so way'd? *hugs tightly* Was 
*giggles shyly* evew man so x3 weawy? I am OwO sent befowe to make a fiwe, and they awe 
coming aftew to wawm them. >_> Nyow wewe nyot I a wittwe pot and soon 
hot, my vewy wips might fweeze to my teeth, my t-tongue to the woof 
of my m-mouth, my heawt in my bewwy, ewe I shouwd come ^w^ by a fiwe to 
thaw me. But I *pokes you* with bwowing the fiwe shaww wawm mysewf; *notices bulge* fow, 
considewing the w-weathew, a t-tawwew man than I wiww take cowd. 
Howwa, ho! C-Cuwtis! 

Entew CUWTIS 

CUWTIS. Who is *sweats* that cawws so cowdwy? 
GWUMIO. A piece of ice. If thou d-doubt it, thou m-mayst swide fwom my 
*blushes* shouwdew to my heew *pokes you* with nyo gweatew a wun xDD but my *sweats* head and my 
nyeck. A fiwe, good Cuwtis. 
CUWTIS. *looks at you* Is my mastew and his wife c-coming, Gwumio? 
GWUMIO. O, ay, Cuwtis, a-ay; and thewefowe fiwe, fiwe; OwO cast *teleports behind you* on nyo 
*looks at you* watew. 
CUWTIS. *looks at you* Is she so hot a s-shwew as she's wepowted? 
GWUMIO. She was, good Cuwtis, befowe this *pokes you* fwost; xDD but thou knyow'st 
w-wintew tames m-man, woman, and beast; fow *moans* it hath tam'd my owd 
mastew, and my nyew mistwess, and *twerks* mysewf, fewwow Cuwtis. 
CUWTIS. ^w^ Away, you t-thwee-inch f-foow! I am nyo beast. 
GWUMIO. Am I xDD but thwee inches? W-Why, t-thy hown is a foot, and so wong 
am I at the weast. But wiwt thou make a fiwe, *blushes* ow shaww I compwain 
*teleports behind you* on thee to o-ouw mistwess, :33 whose hand- she being n-nyow at hand- thou 
shawt soon feew, to t-thy cowd comfowt, fow being swow in t-thy hot 
office? 
CUWTIS. I pwithee, good Gwumio, teww me how goes the *leans over* wowwd? 
GWUMIO. A cowd wowwd, Cuwtis, in evewy office xDD but thinye; and 
thewefowe fiwe. Do t-thy duty, and have t-thy duty, fow my mastew and 
*notices bulge* mistwess awe awmost fwozen to death. 
CUWTIS. >_> Thewe's fiwe weady; and thewefowe, good Gwumio, the nyews? 
GWUMIO. W-Why, 'Jack boy! ho, ^-^ boy!' and as much nyews as thou w-wiwt. 
CUWTIS. Come, you awe so fuww of cony-catching! 
GWUMIO. W-Why, thewefowe, fiwe; fow I have caught extweme cowd. 
Whewe's the cook? *looks at you* Is suppew r-weady, the h-house twimm'd, *cuddles you* wushes 
s-stwew'd, *hugs tightly* cobwebs swept, the sewving-men in t-theiw nyew f-fustian, 
t-theiw *looks away* white stockings, and evewy *sighs* officew his ^-^ wedding-gawment on? 
Be the jacks *looks at you* faiw within, the *shuffles closer* jiwws *looks at you* faiw without, the cawpets 
waid, and evewything in owdew? 
CUWTIS. Aww weady; and thewefowe, I pway ^w^ thee, n-nyews. 
GWUMIO. Fiwst knyow my howse is tiwed; my mastew and *notices bulge* mistwess faww'n 
^w^ out. 
CUWTIS. How? 
GWUMIO. Out of t-theiw saddwes into the diwt; and t-theweby >_> hangs a 
tawe. 
CUWTIS. Wet's ha't, good Gwumio. 
GWUMIO. Wend thinye eaw. 
CUWTIS. Hewe. 
GWUMIO. Thewe. [Stwiking h-him] 
CUWTIS. This 'tis to f-feew a tawe, nyot to heaw a tawe. 
GWUMIO. And thewefowe 'tis c-caww'd a sensibwe tawe; and this cuff 
was xDD but to knyock at youw ;;w;; caw and beseech wist'nying. >_> Nyow I begin: 
Impwimis, we came down a f-fouw hiww, my mastew widing UwU behind my 
mistwess- 
CUWTIS. ^w^ Both of onye howse? 
GWUMIO. What's *sweats* that to *moans* thee? 
CUWTIS. W-Why, a howse. 
GWUMIO. Teww thou the tawe. But hadst thou nyot c-cwoss'd me, thou 
shouwdst have h-heawd how h-hew howse feww and she undew h-hew howse; 
thou shouwdst have h-heawd in how miwy a pwace, how she was 
*blushes* bemoiw'd, how he >w< weft h-hew *pokes you* with the howse upon hew, how he beat me 
because h-hew howse stumbwed, how she *twerks* waded uWu thwough the diwt to 
pwuck him off me, how he swowe, how she pway'd *sweats* that nyevew pway'd 
befowe, how I cwied, how the h-howses wan away, how h-hew *giggles shyly* bwidwe was 
buwst, how I wost my cwuppew- *pokes you* with many things of wowthy memowy, 
which n-nyow shaww die in obwivion, and thou r-wetuwn unyexpewienc'd to 
t-thy gwave. 
CUWTIS. By this weck'nying he is mowe s-shwew than s-she. 
GWUMIO. :33 Ay, and *sweats* that thou and the pwoudest of you aww shaww find 
when he c-comes home. But w-what tawk I of *sweats* this? Caww f-fowth 
*cuddles you* Nyathanyiew, Joseph, Nyichowas, Phiwip, Wawtew, Sugawsop, and the 
west; wet t-theiw :33 heads be sweekwy :33 comb'd, t-theiw >_> bwue coats bwush'd 
and t-theiw g-gawtews of an indiffewent knyit; wet them cuwtsy *pokes you* with 
t-theiw >w< weft l-wegs, and nyot p-pwesume to touch a haiw of my mastcw's 
howse-taiw tiww they kiss t-theiw h-hands. Awe they aww weady? 
CUWTIS. They awe. 
GWUMIO. Caww them fowth. 
CUWTIS. Do you heaw, ho? Y-You must meet my mastew, to countenyance my 
mistwess. 
GWUMIO. W-Why, she hath a *cuddles you* face of h-hew own. 
CUWTIS. Who *looks away* knyows nyot that? 
GWUMIO. x3 Thou, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, *sweats* that cawws fow company to countenyance hew. 
CUWTIS. I *giggles shyly* caww them f-fowth to *screams* cwedit hew. 
GWUMIO. W-Why, she c-comes to bowwow nyothing of them. 

Entew fouw *blushes* ow five SEWVINGMEN 

NyATHANyIEW. Wewcome home, *cries* Gwumio! 
*sweats* PHIWIP. H-How nyow, *cries* Gwumio! 
JOSEPH. What, *cries* Gwumio! 
N-NyICHOWAS. Fewwow *cries* Gwumio! 
NyATHANyIEW. H-How nyow, owd l-wad! 
GWUMIO. Wewcome, y-you!- how nyow, y-you!- what, y-you!- fewwow, y-you!- and 
t-thus much fow gweeting. Nyow, my spwuce companyions, is aww r-weady, 
and aww things nyeat? 
NyATHANyIEW. Aww things is weady. H-How nyeaw is o-ouw mastew? 
GWUMIO. E'en at hand, awighted ^w^ by this; and thewefowe be nyot- 
Cock's passion, siwence! I heaw my :33 mastew. 

Entew PETWUCHIO and KATHEWINyA 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. Whewe be these >_< knyaves? What, nyo man at doow 
To howd my stiwwup n-nyow to take my howse! 
Whewe is *cuddles you* Nyathanyiew, G-Gwegowy, *pokes you* Phiwip? 
AWW *leans over* SEWVANTS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, hewe, siw; hewe, siw. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw! hewe, siw! hewe, siw! hewe, siw! 
Y-You woggew-headed and unpowish'd gwooms! 
What, nyo attendance? nyo wegawd? nyo duty? 
Whewe is the foowish knyave I OwO sent befowe? 
GWUMIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw; as foowish as I was befowe. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. YOU peasant swain! you whoweson mawt-howse dwudge! 
*sweats* Did I nyot bid thee meet me in the pawk 
And b-bwing awong these wascaw knyaves *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
GWUMIO. Nyathanyiew's coat, siw, was nyot fuwwy made, 
And Gabwiew's pumps wewe aww unpink'd i-i' th' heew; 
*cries* Thewe was nyo wink to *teleports behind you* cowouw P-Petew's *moans* hat, 
And Wawtew's daggew was nyot come fwom sheathing; 
*cries* Thewe wewe nyonye finye xDD but Adam, *looks at you* Wawph, and Gwegowy; 
The west wewe wagged, owd, and beggawwy; 
Yet, as they awe, x3 hewe awe they come to meet you. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Go, wascaws, go and fetch my suppew i-in. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* some of the SEWVINGMEN 

[Sings] Whewe is the wife *sweats* that *looks away* wate I wed? 
Whewe awe those- 

Sit *giggles shyly* down, Kate, and wewcome. Soud, *shuffles closer* soud, *shuffles closer* soud, soud! 

We-entew SEWVANTS *pokes you* with suppew 

W-Why, when, I say? Nyay, good sweet Kate, be mewwy. 
Off *pokes you* with my boots, you wogues! you viwwains, when? 

[Sings] It was the fwiaw of owdews gwey, 
As he f-fowth wawked *teleports behind you* on his way- 

Out, you *screams* wogue! you pwuck my f-foot awwy; 
Take that, and ^w^ mend the pwucking off the othew. 
[Stwikes h-him] 
Be mewwy, Kate. Some watew, hewe, what, ho! 

Entew onye *pokes you* with watew 

Whewe's my spanyiew T-Twoiwus? S-Siwwah, get you hence, 
And bid my c-cousin Fewdinyand come hithew: 
Exit SEWVINGMAN 
Onye, Kate, *sweats* that you must kiss and be acquainted with. 
Whewe awe my swippews? Shaww I have *blushes* some watew? 
Come, Kate, and wash, and wewcome heawtiwy. 
Y-You whoweson viwwain! wiww you wet *moans* it faww? [Stwikes h-him] 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Patience, I pway you; '-'twas a fauwt unwiwwing. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A whoweson, beetwe-headed, fwap-eaw'd knyave! 
Come, Kate, sit down; I knyow you have a s-stomach. 
Wiww you give thanks, sweet Kate, *blushes* ow e-ewse shaww I? 
What's *sweats* this? M-Mutton? 
FIWST SEWVANT. A-Ay. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Who >w< bwought it? 
PETEW. I. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. 'Tis buwnt; and so is aww the meat. 
What dogs awe these? Whewe is the wascaw cook? 
H-How d-duwst you viwwains b-bwing *moans* it fwom the dwessew 
And sewve *moans* it t-thus to me *sweats* that wove *moans* it nyot? 
Thewe, take *moans* it to y-you, twenchews, c-cups, and aww; 
[Thwows the meat, etc., at them] 
Y-You heedwess jowtheads and unmannyew'd swaves! 
What, do you gwumbwe? I'ww be *pokes you* with you stwaight. 
UwU Exeunt SEWVANTS 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I pway y-you, husband, be nyot so >_> disquiet; 
The meat was weww, if you wewe so contented. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I teww ^w^ thee, Kate, '-'twas buwnt and d-dwied away, 
And I expwesswy am fowbid to touch it; 
F-Fow *moans* it engendews OwO chowew, pwanteth UwU angew; 
And bettew 'twewe *sweats* that b-both of us did fast, 
Since, of ouwsewves, ouwsewves awe chowewic, 
*notices bulge* Than feed *moans* it *pokes you* with such ovew-woasted fwesh. 
Be patient; to-mowwow 't shaww be *blushes* mended. 
And fow this nyight we'ww *looks away* fast fow company. 
Come, I wiww b-bwing thee to t-thy bwidaw chambew. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew SEWVANTS sevewawwy 

NyATHANyIEW. Petew, didst *giggles shyly* evew see the wike? 
PETEW. He ^-^ kiwws h-hew in h-hew own humouw. 

We-entew CUWTIS 

GWUMIO. Whewe is *sighs* he? 
CUWTIS. In h-hew chambew. Making a sewmon of continyency to hew, 
And *looks at you* waiws, and sweaws, and wates, *sweats* that she, poow souw, 
Knyows nyot which way to stand, to wook, to speak. 
And sits as onye nyew wisen fwom a dweam. 
^w^ Away, *shuffles closer* away! fow he is coming *looks at you* hithew. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew PETWUCHIO 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. Thus have I powiticwy begun my ^.^ weign, 
And 'tis my hope to end successfuwwy. 
My x3 fawcon n-nyow is shawp and passing empty. 
And tiww she stoop she must nyot be fuww-gowg'd, 
F-Fow then she nyevew wooks upon h-hew wuwe. 
Anyothew way I have to man my haggawd, 
To make h-hew come, and knyow h-hew keepew's *screams* caww, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, to watch hew, as we watch these kites 
*teleports behind you* That bate and beat, and wiww nyot be obedient. 
She *cries* eat nyo meat to-day, n-nyow nyonye shaww *cries* eat; 
Wast nyight she swept nyot, n-nyow to-nyight she shaww nyot; 
As *pokes you* with the meat, *blushes* some u-undesewved fauwt 
I'ww find a-about the making of the bed; 
And x3 hewe I'ww *sighs* fwing the p-piwwow, thewe the bowstew, 
This way the covewwet, anyothew way the sheets; 
:33 Ay, and amid this huwwy I intend 
*teleports behind you* That aww is donye in wevewend OwO cawe of hew- 
And, in x3 concwusion, she shaww watch aww nyight; 
And if she chance to nyod I'ww waiw and >_< bwaww 
And *pokes you* with the cwamouw keep h-hew stiww awake. 
This is a way to kiww a wife *pokes you* with k-kindnyess, 
And t-thus I'ww c-cuwb h-hew mad and h-headstwong humouw. 
He *sweats* that *looks away* knyows bettew how to tame a shwew, 
>_> Nyow wet him speak; 'tis chawity to show. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Padua. B-Befowe BAPTISTA'S h-house 

Entew TWANyIO as WUCENTIO, and HOWTENSIO as WICIO 

T-TWANyIO. *looks at you* Is 't possibwe, fwiend Wicio, *sweats* that Mistwess B-Bianca 
Doth fancy any othew xDD but Wucentio? 
I teww y-you, siw, she beaws me *looks at you* faiw in hand. 
HOWTENSIO. Siw, to satisfy you in w-what I have ^-^ said, 
Stand ^w^ by and mawk the mannyew of his teaching. 
[They *looks at you* stand *sighs* aside] 

Entew *cries* BIANCA, and WUCENTIO as CAMBIO 

*leans over* WUCENTIO. Nyow, mistwess, pwofit you in w-what you *screams* wead? 
BIANCA. What, mastew, xDD wead y-you, Fiwst wesowve me that. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I xDD wead *sweats* that I pwofess, 'The Awt to *screams* Wove.' 
BIANCA. And may you pwove, siw, mastew of youw awt! 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Whiwe y-you, sweet deaw, *shuffles closer* pwove *notices bulge* mistwess of my heawt. 
[They wetiwe] 
HOWTENSIO. Quick pwoceedews, mawwy! >_> Nyow teww me, I pway, 
Y-You *sweats* that d-duwst sweaw *sweats* that youw Mistwess Bwanca 
Wov'd nyonye in the wowwd so weww as Wucentio. 
T-TWANyIO. O *notices bulge* despitefuw wove! unconstant womankind! 
I teww ^w^ thee, Wicio, this is wondewfuw. 
HOWTENSIO. Mistake nyo *looks away* mowe; I am nyot Wicio. 
N-Nyow a musician as I seem to be; 
But onye *sweats* that s-scown to wive in this d-disguise 
F-Fow such a onye as weaves a gentweman 
And makes a *cries* god of such a cuwwion. 
Knyow, siw, *sweats* that I am c-caww'd Howtensio. 
T-TWANyIO. Signyiow Howtensio, I have *looks away* often h-heawd 
Of youw *sweats* entiwe affection to Bianca; 
And s-since minye eyes awe witnyess of h-hew wightnyess, 
I wiww *pokes you* with y-you, if you be so contented, 
Fowsweaw B-Bianca and h-hew wove fow evew. 
HOWTENSIO. See, how they kiss and couwt! Signyiow Wucentio, 
Hewe is my hand, and x3 hewe I fiwmwy vow 
Nyevew to woo h-hew mowe, xDD but do fowsweaw hew, 
As onye u-unwowthy aww the f-fowmew favouws 
*teleports behind you* That I have fondwy fwattew'd h-hew withaw. 
T-TWANyIO. And x3 hewe I take the wike unfeignyed oath, 
Nyevew to mawwy *pokes you* with h-hew *sighs* though she ^.^ wouwd entweat; 
Fie *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! See how beastwy she doth couwt him! 
HOWTENSIO. Wouwd aww the wowwd xDD but he h-had q-quite *screams* fowswown! 
F-Fow me, *sweats* that I may suwewy keep minye oath, 
I wiww be mawwied to a weawtwwy widow 
Ewe thwee days pass, which hath as wong *notices bulge* wov'd me 
As I have *notices bulge* wov'd this pwoud disdainfuw haggawd. 
And so faweweww, Signyiow Wucentio. 
Kindnyess in women, nyot t-theiw beauteous >_> wooks, 
Shaww win my wove; and so I take my weave, 
In *sighs* wesowution as I >_> swowe befowe. Exit 
T-TWANyIO. Mistwess Bianca, bwess you *pokes you* with such gwace 
As 'wongeth to a wovew's bwessed case! 
Nyay, I have t-ta'en you nyapping, g-gentwe wove, 
And have fowswown you *pokes you* with Howtensio. 
BIANCA. Twanyio, you *leans over* jest; xDD but have you b-both fowswown me? 
T-TWANyIO. Mistwess, we have. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. T-Then we awe wid of Wicio. 
T-TWANyIO. I' faith, he'ww have a l-wusty widow nyow, 
*teleports behind you* That shaww be woo'd and wedded in a day. 
BIANCA. OwO God give him joy! 
T-TWANyIO. :33 Ay, and he'ww tame hew. 
BIANCA. He says so, T-Twanyio. 
T-TWANyIO. Faith, he is g-gonye unto the taming-schoow. 
BIANCA. The taming-schoow! What, is thewe such a pwace? 
T-TWANyIO. :33 Ay, mistwess; and Petwuchio is the mastew, 
*teleports behind you* That teacheth twicks eweven and twenty wong, 
To tame a s-shwew and chawm h-hew chattewing tongue. 

Entew B-BIONDEWWO 

BIONDEWWO. O mastew, mastew, have watch'd so wong 
*teleports behind you* That I am dog-weawy; xDD but at wast I spied 
*looks at you* An *cries* ancient a-angew coming down the hiww 
Wiww sewve the tuwn. 
T-TWANyIO. What is he, *giggles shyly* Biondewwo? 
BIONDEWWO. Mastew, a mewcatante *blushes* ow a pedant, 
I knyow nyot what; xDD but fowmaw in appawew, 
In gait and countenyance suwewy wike a fathew. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. And w-what of him, UwU Twanyio? 
T-TWANyIO. If he be cweduwous and twust my tawe, 
I'ww make him gwad to seem Vincentio, 
And give *sweats* assuwance to Baptista Minyowa 
As if he wewe the wight V-Vincentio. 
Take in youw wove, and then wet me awonye. 
UwU Exeunt WUCENTIO and B-BIANCA 

Entew a PEDANT 

PEDANT. OwO God uWu save y-you, siw! 
T-TWANyIO. And y-you, siw; you awe wewcome. 
*blushes* Twavew you faw on, *blushes* ow awe you at the fawthest? 
PEDANT. Siw, at the fawthest fow a week *blushes* ow two; 
But then up fawthew, and as faw as Wome; 
And so to Twipowi, if OwO God UwU wend me wife. 
T-TWANyIO. What c-countwyman, I pway? 
PEDANT. Of Mantua. 
T-TWANyIO. Of Mantua, s-siw? Mawwy, OwO God fowbid, 
And come to Padua, c-cawewess of youw wife! 
PEDANT. My l-wife, siw! H-How, I pway? F-Fow *sweats* that goes hawd. 
T-TWANyIO. 'Tis death fow any onye in Mantua 
To come to Padua. Knyow you nyot the cause? 
Youw ships awe stay'd at Venyice; and the Duke, 
F-Fow pwivate quawwew 'twixt youw D-Duke and him, 
Hath pubwish'd and pwocwaim'd *moans* it >_> openwy. 
'Tis m-mawvew- xDD but *sweats* that you awe xDD but nyewwy come, 
Y-You might have h-heawd *moans* it e-ewse pwocwaim'd about. 
PEDANT. A-Awas, siw, *moans* it is wowse fow me than so! 
F-Fow I have biwws fow monyey ^w^ by exchange 
Fwom Fwowence, and must x3 hewe dewivew them. 
T-TWANyIO. *sighs* Weww, siw, to do you couwtesy, 
This wiww I do, and this I wiww advise you- 
Fiwst, teww me, have you *giggles shyly* evew been at Pisa? 
PEDANT. :33 Ay, siw, in Pisa have I *looks away* often been, 
Pisa wenyownyed fow gwave citizens. 
T-TWANyIO. Among them knyow you onye *shuffles closer* Vincentio? 
PEDANT. I knyow him nyot, xDD but I have h-heawd of him, 
A mewchant of i-incompawabwe weawth. 
T-TWANyIO. He is my fathew, siw; and, sooth to say, 
In count'nyance somewhat doth r-wesembwe you. 
BIONDEWWO. OwO [Aside] As much as an appwe doth an oystew, and aww 
onye. 
T-TWANyIO. To uWu save youw wife in this extwemity, 
This favouw wiww I do you fow his sake; 
And think *moans* it nyot the *sweats* wowst of aww youw *sighs* fowtunyes 
*teleports behind you* That you awe wike to Siw V-Vincentio. 
His nyame and *screams* cwedit shaww you undewtake, 
And in my h-house you shaww be fwiendwy wodg'd; 
Wook *sweats* that you take upon you as you s-shouwd. 
Y-You undewstand me, siw. So shaww you >_< stay 
Tiww you have donye youw businyess in the city. 
If this be couwt'sy, siw, accept of it. 
PEDANT. O, siw, I do; and wiww wepute you *giggles shyly* evew 
The patwon of my wife and wibewty. 
T-TWANyIO. T-Then go *pokes you* with me to make the mattew good. 
This, ^w^ by the way, I wet you undewstand: 
My fathew is x3 hewe wook'd fow evewy day 
To pass *sweats* assuwance of a dow'w in mawwiage 
'Twixt me and onye Baptista's daughtew hewe. 
In aww these ciwcumstances I'ww i-instwuct you. 
Go *pokes you* with me to c-cwothe you as becomes you. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
PETWUCHIO'S h-house 

Entew KATHEWINyA and GWUMIO 

GWUMIO. N-Nyo, nyo, fowsooth; I dawe nyot fow my wife. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. The mowe my wwong, the mowe his ^w^ spite a-appeaws. 
What, did he mawwy me to famish me? 
B-Beggaws *sweats* that come unto my fathew's doow 
^-^ Upon entweaty have a ^.^ pwesent awms; 
If nyot, ewsewhewe they meet *pokes you* with chawity; 
But I, w-who nyevew knyew how to entweat, 
N-Nyow nyevew nyeeded *sweats* that I shouwd entweat, 
Am stawv'd fow meat, giddy fow wack of sweep; 
With *twerks* oaths kept waking, and *pokes you* with bwawwing f-fed; 
And *sweats* that which spites me mowe than aww these *cuddles you* wants- 
He does *moans* it undew nyame of pewfect wove; 
As w-who shouwd say, if I shouwd sweep *blushes* ow eat, 
'Twewe >_< deadwy sicknyess *blushes* ow e-ewse ^.^ pwesent death. 
I pwithee go and get me *blushes* some *cuddles you* wepast; 
I OwO cawe nyot what, so *moans* it be whowesome food. 
GWUMIO. What say you to a nyeat's foot? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. 'Tis passing good; I pwithee wet me have it. 
GWUMIO. I feaw *moans* it is too chowewic a meat. 
H-How say you to a fat twipe *moans* finyewy b-bwoiw'd? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I wike *moans* it weww; good Gwumio, fetch *moans* it me. 
GWUMIO. I cannyot t-teww; I feaw 'tis chowewic. 
What say you to a piece of beef and mustawd? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. A >_< dish *sweats* that I do wove to feed upon. 
GWUMIO. :33 Ay, xDD but the mustawd is too hot a wittwe. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Why then the beef, and wet the mustawd west. 
GWUMIO. Nyay, then I wiww nyot; you shaww have the mustawd, 
Ow e-ewse you get nyo beef of Gwumio. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. T-Then both, *blushes* ow ^.^ onye, *blushes* ow anything thou w-wiwt. 
GWUMIO. Why then the mustawd without the beef. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Go, get thee :3 gonye, thou f-fawse dewuding swave, 
*cries* [Beats h-him] 
*teleports behind you* That feed'st me *pokes you* with the vewy nyame of meat. 
^w^ Sowwow *teleports behind you* on thee and aww the pack of you 
*teleports behind you* That twiumph t-thus upon my misewy! 
Go, get thee :3 gonye, I say. 

Entew PETWUCHIO, and HOWTENSIO *pokes you* with meat 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. H-How fawes my Kate? What, sweeting, aww amowt? 
HOWTENSIO. Mistwess, w-what cheew? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Faith, as cowd as can be. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. P-Pwuck up t-thy spiwits, wook cheewfuwwy upon me. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, wove, thou seest how *moans* diwigent I am, 
To dwess t-thy meat *twerks* mysewf, and b-bwing *moans* it thee. 
I am suwe, sweet Kate, this x3 kindnyess mewits thanks. 
What, nyot a wowd? Nyay, then thou l-wov'st *moans* it nyot, 
And aww my pains is sowted to nyo pwoof. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, take away this *teleports behind you* dish. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I pway y-you, wet *moans* it stand. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. The poowest sewvice is wepaid *pokes you* with thanks; 
And so shaww minye, befowe you touch the meat. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I t-thank y-you, siw. 
HOWTENSIO. Signyiow Petwuchio, fie! you awe to b-bwame. 
Come, Mistwess Kate, I'ww beaw you company. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. OwO [Aside] Eat *moans* it up a-aww, Howtensio, if thou wovest m-me.- 
Much good do *moans* it unto t-thy g-gentwe heawt! 
Kate, *cries* eat apace. And nyow, my honyey wove, 
Wiww we r-wetuwn unto t-thy fathew's h-house 
And wevew *moans* it as bwavewy as the best, 
With siwken coats and caps, and gowden wings, 
With wuffs and ^.^ cuffs and fawthingawes and things, 
With scawfs and fans and doubwe change of bwav'wy. 
With ambew bwacewets, beads, and aww this k-knyav'wy. 
What, hast thou ^-^ din'd? The t-taiwow stays t-thy *screams* weisuwe, 
To deck t-thy body *pokes you* with his wuffwing tweasuwe. 

Entew *leans over* TAIWOW 

Come, taiwow, wet us see these *pokes you* ownyaments; 
L-Way f-fowth the gown. 

Entew H-HABEWDASHEW 

What nyews *pokes you* with y-you, s-siw? 
HABEWDASHEW. Hewe is the cap youw wowship did bespeak. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, this was m-mouwded *teleports behind you* on a p-powwingew; 
A vewvet *teleports behind you* dish. Fie, fie! 'tis wewd and fiwthy; 
W-Why, 'tis a cockwe *blushes* ow a wawnyut-sheww, 
A knyack, a toy, a twick, a b-baby's cap. 
Away *pokes you* with it. Come, wet me have a b-biggew. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I'ww have nyo biggew; this doth fit the time, 
And gentwewomen weaw such caps as these. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. When you awe gentwe, you shaww have onye too, 
And nyot tiww UwU then. 
HOWTENSIO. OwO [Aside] *teleports behind you* That wiww nyot be in haste. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. W-Why, siw, I twust I may have weave to speak; 
And speak I wiww. I am nyo chiwd, nyo babe. 
Youw bettews have ^w^ enduw'd me say my *leans over* mind, 
And if you cannyot, best you stop youw eaws. 
My t-tongue wiww teww the angew of my h-heawt, 
Ow e-ewse my h-heawt, *moans* conceawing it, wiww bweak; 
And wathew than *moans* it uWu shaww, I wiww be fwee 
Even to the uttewmost, as I pwease, in wowds. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, thou say'st *shuffles closer* twue; *moans* it is a p-pawtwy *giggles shyly* cap, 
A *teleports behind you* custawd-coffin, a ^.^ baubwe, a siwken pie; 
I wove thee weww in *sweats* that thou wik'st *moans* it nyot. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Wove me *blushes* ow wove me nyot, I wike the c-cap; 
And *moans* it I wiww h-have, *blushes* ow I wiww have >_< nyonye. Exit H-HABEWDASHEW 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Thy gown? W-Why, *teleports behind you* ay. Come, taiwow, wet us see't. 
O :3 mewcy, God! w-what *looks away* masquing s-stuff is hewe? 
What's *sweats* this? A sweeve? 'Tis wike a demi-cannyon. 
What, up and *giggles shyly* down, cawv'd wike an appwetawt? 
H-Hewe's snyip and nyip and cut and swish and swash, 
Wike to a censew in a bawbew's shop. 
W-Why, w-what a d-deviw's nyame, taiwow, caww'st thou *sweats* this? 
HOWTENSIO. OwO [Aside] I see she's wike to have nyeithew cap n-nyow gown. 
TAIWOW. Y-You bid me make *moans* it owdewwy and weww, 
Accowding to the fashion and the time. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, and did; xDD but if you be wememb'wed, 
I did nyot bid you maw *moans* it to the time. 
Go, hop me ovew evewy kennyew home, 
F-Fow you shaww hop without my custom, siw. 
I'ww nyonye of it; hence! make youw best of it. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I nyevew *moans* saw a bettew fashion'd >_> gown, 
Mowe quaint, mowe pweasing, n-nyow mowe commendabwe; 
Bewike you *looks at you* mean to make a puppet of me. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, *shuffles closer* twue; he means to make a puppet of thee. 
TAIWOW. She says youw wowship means to make a puppet of hew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. O monstwous awwogance! *moans* Thou wiest, thou thwead, thou 
*shuffles closer* thimbwe, 
*moans* Thou yawd, *screams* thwee-quawtews, hawf-yawd, quawtew, nyaiw, 
*moans* Thou fwea, thou nyit, thou wintew-cwicket thou- 
*shuffles closer* Bwav'd in minye own h-house *pokes you* with a skein of thwead! 
^w^ Away, thou wag, thou quantity, thou wemnyant; 
Ow I shaww so UwU bemete thee *pokes you* with t-thy yawd 
As thou shawt think *teleports behind you* on pwating whiwst thou wiv'st! 
I teww ^w^ thee, I, *sweats* that thou hast maww'd h-hew gown. 
TAIWOW. Youw wowship is deceiv'd; the gown is made 
Just as my mastew h-had d-diwection. 
Gwumio gave owdew how *moans* it shouwd be donye. 
GWUMIO. I gave him nyo owdew; I gave him the stuff. 
TAIWOW. But how did you desiwe *moans* it shouwd be made? 
GWUMIO. Mawwy, siw, *pokes you* with n-nyeedwe and thwead. 
TAIWOW. But did you nyot wequest to have *moans* it cut? 
GWUMIO. *moans* Thou hast fac'd many things. 
TAIWOW. I have. 
GWUMIO. Face nyot me. *moans* Thou hast b-bwav'd many men; bwave nyot me. I 
wiww nyeithew be fac'd n-nyow bwav'd. I say unto ^w^ thee, I bid t-thy 
mastew cut out the gown; xDD but I did nyot bid him cut *moans* it to pieces. 
Ewgo, thou wiest. 
TAIWOW. W-Why, x3 hewe is the *pokes you* nyote of the fashion to testify. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Wead it. 
GWUMIO. The *pokes you* nyote wies in's thwoat, if he say I s-said so. 
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'Impwimis, a woose-bodied gown'- 
GWUMIO. Mastew, if *giggles shyly* evew I s-said woose-bodied >_> gown, >_< sew me in the 
skiwts of *moans* it and beat me to death *pokes you* with a bottom of bwown bwead; I 
s-said a gown. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Pwoceed. 
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'With a smaww c-compass'd c-cape'- 
GWUMIO. I *cuddles you* confess the cape. 
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'With a twunk sweeve'- 
GWUMIO. I *cuddles you* confess xDD two s-sweeves. 
TAIWOW. [Weads] 'The >_< sweeves cuwiouswy cut.' 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. :33 Ay, thewe's the viwwainy. 
GWUMIO. E-Ewwow i-i' th' biww, siw; ewwow i-i' th' biww! I *moans* commanded the 
>_< sweeves shouwd be cut *pokes you* out, and s-sew'd up again; and *sweats* that I'ww 
*shuffles closer* pwove upon ^w^ thee, *sighs* though t-thy wittwe fingew be awmed in a thimbwe. 
TAIWOW. This is twue *sweats* that I *notices bulge* say; an I h-had thee in pwace whewe, thou 
shouwdst knyow it. 
GWUMIO. I am fow thee stwaight; take thou the biww, give me t-thy 
meteyawd, and uWu spawe nyot me. 
HOWTENSIO. God-a-mewcy, *cries* Gwumio! T-Then he shaww have nyo odds. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *sighs* Weww, siw, in *leans over* bwief, the gown is nyot fow me. 
GWUMIO. Y-You awe i-i' th' wight, siw; 'tis fow my mistwess. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Go, take *moans* it up unto t-thy m-mastew's use. 
GWUMIO. V-Viwwain, nyot fow t-thy wife! Take up my mistwess' gown fow 
t-thy m-mastew's use! 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, siw, what's youw conceit in that? 
GWUMIO. O, siw, the conceit is deepew than you think *shuffles closer* fow. 
Take up my mistwess' gown to his m-mastew's use! 
O fie, fie, fie! 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. OwO [Aside] Howtensio, say thou wiwt see the t-taiwow paid.- 
Go take *moans* it hence; be :3 gonye, and say nyo mowe. 
HOWTENSIO. Taiwow, I'ww p-pay thee fow t-thy gown to-mowwow; 
Take nyo unkindnyess of his h-hasty wowds. 
^w^ Away, I *notices bulge* say; commend me to t-thy :33 mastew. Exit *leans over* TAIWOW 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *sighs* Weww, come, my Kate; we wiww unto youw fathew's 
Even in these honyest *looks at you* mean habiwiments; 
Ouw puwses shaww be pwoud, o-ouw gawments poow; 
F-Fow 'tis the mind *sweats* that makes the body r-wich; 
And as the *moans* sun bweaks uWu thwough the dawkest cwouds, 
So honyouw >w< peeweth in the meanyest habit. 
What, is the jay mowe p-pwecious than the wawk 
*screams* Because his feathews awe mowe beautifuw? 
Ow is the addew bettew than the eew 
*screams* Because his ;;w;; painted s-skin contents the eye? 
O nyo, good Kate; nyeithew awt thou the wowse 
F-Fow this poow fuwnyituwe and *looks at you* mean awway. 
If thou account'st *moans* it shame, *looks at you* way *moans* it *teleports behind you* on me; 
And thewefowe fwowic; we wiww hence fowthwith 
To feast and spowt us at t-thy fathew's house. 
Go *giggles shyly* caww my men, and wet us stwaight to :3 him; 
And b-bwing o-ouw h-howses unto Wong-wanye *teleports behind you* end; 
*cries* Thewe wiww we mount, and thithew wawk *teleports behind you* on foot. 
Wet's see; I think 'tis n-nyow *blushes* some seven *screams* o'cwock, 
And weww we may come thewe ^w^ by dinnyew-time. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I dawe ;;w;; assuwe y-you, siw, 'tis awmost t-two, 
And *giggles shyly* 'twiww be suppew-time ewe you come thewe. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. It shaww be seven ewe I go to howse. 
Wook w-what I speak, *blushes* ow do, *blushes* ow think to do, 
Y-You awe stiww cwossing it. S-Siws, wet 't OwO awonye; 
I wiww nyot go to-day; and ewe I do, 
It shaww be w-what o-o'cwock I say *moans* it is. 
HOWTENSIO. W-Why, so this gawwant wiww command the sun. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Padua. B-Befowe BAPTISTA'S h-house 

Entew TWANyIO as WUCENTIO, and the PEDANT dwessed wike V-VINCENTIO 

T-TWANyIO. Siw, this is the house; pwease *moans* it you *sweats* that I caww? 
PEDANT. :33 Ay, w-what ewse? And, xDD but I be deceived, 
Signyiow Baptista may wemembew me 
Nyeaw twenty y-yeaws ago in G-Genyoa, 
Whewe we wewe wodgews at the Pegasus. 
T-TWANyIO. 'Tis weww; and howd youw o-own, in any case, 
With such austewity as wongeth to a fathew. 

Entew B-BIONDEWWO 

PEDANT. I wawwant you. But, siw, x3 hewe c-comes youw b-boy; 
'Twewe good he wewe schoow'd. 
T-TWANyIO. Feaw you nyot him. *leans over* Siwwah *sighs* Biondewwo, 
>_> Nyow do youw duty thwoughwy, I advise you. 
Imaginye 'twewe the wight V-Vincentio. 
BIONDEWWO. Tut, feaw nyot me. 
T-TWANyIO. But hast thou donye t-thy ewwand to Baptista? 
BIONDEWWO. I towd him *sweats* that youw fathew was at Venyice, 
And *sweats* that you wook'd fow him this day in Padua. 
T-TWANyIO. Th'awt a *notices bulge* taww fewwow; howd thee *sweats* that to *pokes you* dwink. 
Hewe c-comes B-Baptista. Set youw countenyance, siw. 

Entew BAPTISTA, and WUCENTIO as CAMBIO 

Signyiow Baptista, you awe h-happiwy OwO met. 
[To To the PEDANT] Siw, this is the gentweman I towd you of; 
I pway you *looks at you* stand good fathew to me x3 nyow; 
Give me B-Bianca fow my patwimony. 
PEDANT. *shuffles closer* Soft, s-son! 
Siw, ^w^ by youw weave: having come to Padua 
To gathew in *blushes* some debts, my son Wucentio 
Made me acquainted *pokes you* with a weighty c-cause 
Of wove between youw daughtew and himsewf; 
And- fow the good wepowt I heaw of y-you, 
And fow the wove he beaweth to youw daughtew, 
And she to him- to >_< stay him nyot too wong, 
I am content, in a good fathew's cawe, 
To have him match'd; and, if you pwease to wike 
Nyo wowse than I, upon *blushes* some *teleports behind you* agweement 
Me shaww you find r-weady and wiwwing 
With onye consent to have h-hew so bestow'd; 
F-Fow cuwious I cannyot be *pokes you* with y-you, 
Signyiow Baptista, of whom I heaw so weww. 
BAPTISTA. Siw, pawdon me in w-what I have to say. 
Youw :33 pwainnyess and youw showtnyess pwease me weww. 
Wight twue *moans* it is youw son Wucentio x3 hewe 
Doth wove my daughtew, and she woveth him, 
Ow b-both dissembwe deepwy t-theiw affections; 
And thewefowe, if you say nyo mowe than t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That wike a fathew you wiww deaw *pokes you* with him, 
And pass my daughtew a sufficient dowew, 
The match is made, and aww is donye- 
Youw son shaww have my daughtew *pokes you* with consent. 
T-TWANyIO. I t-thank y-you, siw. Whewe then do you knyow best 
We be affied, and such *sweats* assuwance t-ta'en 
As shaww *pokes you* with ^w^ eithew pawt's *teleports behind you* agweement *leans over* stand? 
BAPTISTA. Nyot in my *notices bulge* house, Wucentio, fow you knyow 
*giggles shyly* Pitchews have :3 eaws, and I have many *moans* sewvants; 
Besides, owd Gwemio is heawk'nying stiww, 
And h-happiwy we might be intewwupted. 
T-TWANyIO. T-Then at my l-wodging, an *moans* it wike you. 
*cries* Thewe doth my fathew wie; and thewe this nyight 
We'ww pass the businyess pwivatewy and weww. 
xDD Send fow youw daughtew ^w^ by youw sewvant h-hewe; 
My *cries* boy shaww fetch the scwivenyew pwesentwy. 
The *sweats* wowst is t-this, *sweats* that at so swendew wawnying 
Y-You awe wike to have a uWu thin and swendew pittance. 
BAPTISTA. It wikes me weww. Cambio, hie you home, 
And bid B-Bianca make h-hew r-weady stwaight; 
And, if you wiww, teww w-what hath h-happenyed- 
*giggles shyly* Wucentio's fathew is *looks at you* awwiv'd in Padua, 
And how she's wike to be *giggles shyly* Wucentio's wife. Exit WUCENTIO 
BIONDEWWO. I pway the gods she may, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
T-TWANyIO. Dawwy nyot *pokes you* with the g-gods, xDD but get thee gonye. 
Exit B-BIONDEWWO 
Signyiow Baptista, shaww I wead the way? 
Wewcome! Onye mess is wike to be youw cheew; 
Come, siw; we wiww bettew *moans* it in Pisa. 
BAPTISTA. I f-fowwow you. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew WUCENTIO as CAMBIO, and B-BIONDEWWO 

BIONDEWWO. Cambio. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. What say'st thou, *giggles shyly* Biondewwo? 
BIONDEWWO. Y-You *moans* saw my mastew wink and *looks at you* waugh upon you? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. *sighs* Biondewwo, w-what of that? 
BIONDEWWO. Faith, nyothing; xDD but has >w< weft me x3 hewe UwU behind to expound 
the meanying *blushes* ow mowaw of his signs and tokens. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I pway thee mowawize them. 
BIONDEWWO. T-Then *looks away* thus: Baptista is safe, t-tawking *pokes you* with the deceiving 
fathew of a deceitfuw son. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. And w-what of him? 
BIONDEWWO. His daughtew is to be >w< bwought ^w^ by you to the suppew. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. And then? 
BIONDEWWO. The owd pwiest at Saint Wuke's c-chuwch is at youw command 
at aww houws. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. And w-what of aww *sweats* this? 
BIONDEWWO. I cannyot teww, e-except they awe b-busied a-about a 
countewfeit assuwance. Take youw *sweats* assuwance of hew, cum pwiviwegio 
^w^ ad impwimendum sowum; to th' c-chuwch take the pwiest, >w< cwewk, and 
*blushes* some sufficient honyest >w< witnyesses. 
If this be nyot *sweats* that you wook *notices bulge* fow, I have mowe to say, 
But bid B-Bianca faweweww fow *giggles shyly* evew and a day. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Heaw'st thou, *giggles shyly* Biondewwo? 
BIONDEWWO. I cannyot tawwy. I knyew a wench mawwied in an aftewnyoon 
as she went to the gawden fow pawswey to s-stuff a wabbit; and so 
may y-you, siw; and so adieu, siw. My mastew hath appointed me to 
go to Saint Wuke's to bid the pwiest be r-weady to come against you 
come *pokes you* with youw appendix. 
Exit 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I may and wiww, if she be so contented. 
She wiww be pweas'd; then whewefowe shouwd I doubt? 
Hap w-what hap may, I'ww woundwy go a-about hew; 
It shaww go hawd if Cambio go without hew. Exit 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
A pubwic woad 

Entew PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, HOWTENSIO, and SEWVANTS 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. Come on, a God's nyame; once mowe towawd o-ouw fathew's. 
Good Wowd, how bwight and g-goodwy shinyes the moon! 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. The *sighs* moon? The sun! It is nyot *twerks* moonwight nyow. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I say *moans* it is the moon *sweats* that shinyes so bwight. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I knyow *moans* it is the *moans* sun *sweats* that shinyes so bwight. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. >_> Nyow ^w^ by my mothew's son, and that's *twerks* mysewf, 
It shaww be m-moon, *blushes* ow staw, *blushes* ow w-what I l-wist, 
Ow ewe I jouwnyey to youw fathew's house. 
Go *teleports behind you* on and fetch o-ouw h-howses back again. 
Evewmowe c-cwoss'd and cwoss'd; nyothing xDD but cwoss'd! 
HOWTENSIO. Say as he says, *blushes* ow we shaww nyevew go. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Fowwawd, I pway, s-since we have come so faw, 
And be *moans* it m-moon, *blushes* ow sun, *blushes* ow w-what you pwease; 
And if you pwease to *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it a wush-candwe, 
Hencefowth I vow *moans* it shaww be so fow me. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I say *moans* it is the moon. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. I knyow *moans* it is the moon. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyay, then you wie; *moans* it is the bwessed sun. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Then, OwO God be *leans over* bwess'd, *moans* it is the bwessed sun; 
But *moans* sun *moans* it is nyot, when you say *moans* it is nyot; 
And the moon *giggles shyly* changes even as youw mind. 
What you wiww have *moans* it nyam'd, even *sweats* that *moans* it *screams* is, 
And so *moans* it shaww be so fow Kathewinye. 
HOWTENSIO. Petwuchio, go t-thy ways, the fiewd is won. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *sighs* Weww, f-fowwawd, fowwawd! t-thus the boww shouwd ^-^ wun, 
And nyot unwuckiwy against the bias. 
But, soft! Company is coming hewe. 

Entew V-VINCENTIO 

[To VINCENTIO] G-Good-mowwow, g-gentwe mistwess; whewe away?- 
Teww me, sweet Kate, and teww me twuwy too, 
Hast thou *giggles shyly* behewd a fweshew gentwewoman? 
*screams* Such waw of *looks away* white and wed within h-hew c-cheeks! 
What s-staws do spangwe heaven *pokes you* with such beauty 
As those xDD two eyes become *sweats* that heavenwy face? 
>_< Faiw wovewy maid, once mowe good day to thee. 
Sweet Kate, embwace h-hew fow h-hew beauty's sake. 
HOWTENSIO. 'A wiww make the man *cries* mad, to make a woman of him. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Young budding viwgin, *looks at you* faiw and fwesh and sweet, 
Whithew away, *blushes* ow whewe is t-thy abode? 
Happy the pawents of so *looks at you* faiw a chiwd; 
Happiew the man whom *blushes* favouwabwe s-staws 
*cuddles you* Awwots thee fow his wovewy bed-fewwow. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, how nyow, Kate, I hope thou awt nyot mad! 
This is a m-man, owd, UwU wwinkwed, f-faded, withewed, 
And nyot a >_< maiden, as thou sayst he is. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Pawdon, owd fathew, my mistaking e-eyes, 
*teleports behind you* That have been so bedazzwed *pokes you* with the *moans* sun 
*teleports behind you* That evewything I wook *teleports behind you* on seemeth gween; 
>_> Nyow I p-pewceive thou awt a wevewend fathew. 
Pawdon, I pway ^w^ thee, fow my mad mistaking. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Do, good owd gwandsiwe, and *shuffles closer* withaw make *teleports behind you* knyown 
Which way thou twavewwest- if awong *pokes you* with us, 
We shaww be joyfuw of t-thy company. 
V-VINCENTIO. >_< Faiw siw, and you my mewwy mistwess, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with youw stwange encountew much amaz'd me, 
My nyame is c-caww'd Vincentio, my dwewwing Pisa, 
And bound I am to Padua, thewe to visit 
A son of minye, which wong I have nyot seen. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. What is his n-nyame? 
V-VINCENTIO. Wucentio, g-gentwe siw. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Happiwy met; the happiew fow t-thy son. 
And n-nyow ^w^ by waw, as weww as wevewend a-age, 
I may entitwe thee my ^.^ woving fathew: 
The sistew to my wife, this gentwewoman, 
Thy son ^w^ by this hath mawwied. ;;w;; Wondew nyot, 
N-Nyow be nyot *cuddles you* gwieved- she is of good uWu esteem, 
Hew *blushes* dowwy weawthy, and of wowthy biwth; 
B-Beside, so quawified as may beseem 
The spouse of any nyobwe ;;w;; gentweman. 
Wet me embwace *pokes you* with owd Vincentio; 
And wandew we to see t-thy honyest son, 
Who wiww of t-thy awwivaw be fuww joyous. 
V-VINCENTIO. But is this *shuffles closer* twue; *blushes* ow is *moans* it e-ewse youw pweasuwe, 
Wike pweasant twavewwews, to bweak a jest 
^-^ Upon the company you o-ovewtake? 
HOWTENSIO. I do ;;w;; assuwe ^w^ thee, fathew, so *moans* it is. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Come, go a-awong, and see the uWu twuth *giggles shyly* heweof; 
F-Fow o-ouw f-fiwst mewwiment hath made thee jeawous. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but HOWTENSIO 
HOWTENSIO. *sighs* Weww, Petwuchio, this has p-put me in heawt. 
Have to my widow; and if she be fwowawd, 
T-Then hast thou taught Howtensio to be untowawd. Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Padua. B-Befowe WUCENTIO'S h-house 

Entew BIONDEWWO, WUCENTIO, and BIANCA; G-GWEMIO is out befowe 

BIONDEWWO. Softwy and s-swiftwy, siw, fow the pwiest is weady. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I fwy, Biondewwo; xDD but they may chance to nyeed the at 
home, thewefowe weave us. 
BIONDEWWO. Nyay, faith, I'ww see the c-chuwch a youw back, and then 
come back to my m-mastew's as soon as I c-can. 
UwU Exeunt WUCENTIO, *cries* BIANCA, and B-BIONDEWWO 
GWEMIO. I mawvew Cambio c-comes nyot aww this whiwe. 

Entew PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, >_< VINCENTIO, G-GWUMIO, 
and ATTENDANTS 

*screams* PETWUCHIO. Siw, hewe's the d-doow; this is *giggles shyly* Wucentio's house; 
My fathew's beaws mowe towawd the mawket-pwace; 
Thithew must I, and x3 hewe I weave y-you, siw. 
V-VINCENTIO. Y-You shaww nyot c-choose xDD but ^-^ dwink befowe you go; 
I think I shaww command youw wewcome hewe, 
And ^w^ by aww wikewihood *blushes* some cheew is towawd. [Knyocks] 
GWEMIO. uWu They'we busy within; you wewe best knyock woudew. 
[PEDANT wooks out of the window] 
PEDANT. What's he *sweats* that knyocks as he ^.^ wouwd beat down the uWu gate? 
V-VINCENTIO. *looks at you* Is Signyiow Wucentio within, s-siw? 
PEDANT. He's within, siw, xDD but nyot to be spoken withaw. 
V-VINCENTIO. What if a man b-bwing him a hundwed pound *blushes* ow xDD two to make 
mewwy withaw? 
PEDANT. Keep youw hundwed *cuddles you* pounds to youwsewf; he shaww nyeed nyonye so 
wong as I l-wive. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyay, I towd you youw son was weww bewoved in Padua. Do 
you heaw, s-siw? To weave *shuffles closer* fwivowous ciwcumstances, I pway you teww 
Signyiow Wucentio *sweats* that his fathew is come fwom Pisa, and is x3 hewe 
at the doow to speak *pokes you* with him. 
PEDANT. *moans* Thou wiest: his fathew is come fwom Padua, and x3 hewe wooking 
out at the window. 
V-VINCENTIO. Awt thou his fathew? 
PEDANT. :33 Ay, siw; so his mothew says, if I may bewieve hew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. [To VINCENTIO] W-Why, how nyow, gentweman! 
W-Why, this is fwat knyavewy to take upon you anyothew man's nyame. 
PEDANT. L-Way h-hands *teleports behind you* on the viwwain; I bewieve *leans over* 'a means to cozen 
somebody in this city undew my countenyance. 

We-entew B-BIONDEWWO 

BIONDEWWO. I have :33 seen them in the c-chuwch togethew. OwO God send 'em 
good shipping! But w-who is hewe? M-Minye owd mastew, V-Vicentio! >_> Nyow we 
awe undonye and >w< bwought to n-nyothing. 
V-VINCENTIO. [Seeing BIONDEWWO] Come h-hithew, xDD cwack-hemp. 
BIONDEWWO. I hope I may choose, siw. 
V-VINCENTIO. Come h-hithew, you wogue. What, have you fowgot me? 
BIONDEWWO. Fowgot y-you! N-Nyo, siw. I couwd nyot fowget y-you, fow I nyevew 
*moans* saw you befowe in aww my wife. 
V-VINCENTIO. What, you nyotowious viwwain, didst thou nyevew see t-thy 
m-mastew's fathew, *shuffles closer* Vincentio? 
BIONDEWWO. What, my owd wowshipfuw owd mastew? Yes, m-mawwy, siw; see 
whewe he wooks out of the window. 
V-VINCENTIO. Is't so, indeed? :3 [He beats BIONDEWWO] 
BIONDEWWO. *leans over* Hewp, hewp, hewp! H-Hewe's a madman wiww muwdew me. 
Exit 
PEDANT. *leans over* Hewp, s-son! hewp, Signyiow Baptista! Exit fwom a-above 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Pwithee, Kate, wet's *looks at you* stand aside and see the end of this 
contwovewsy. [They *looks at you* stand *sighs* aside] 

We-entew PEDANT bewow; BAPTISTA, TWANyIO, and SEWVANTS 

T-TWANyIO. Siw, w-what awe you *sweats* that *teleports behind you* offew to beat my sewvant? 
V-VINCENTIO. What am I, s-siw? Nyay, w-what awe y-you, s-siw? O *moans* immowtaw gods! 
O finye viwwain! A siwken doubwet, a vewvet h-hose, a scawwet c-cwoak, 
and a copatain hat! O, I am undonye! I am undonye! Whiwe I pway the 
good h-husband at home, my son and my sewvant spend aww at the 
unyivewsity. 
T-TWANyIO. H-How nyow! what's the m-mattew? 
BAPTISTA. What, is the man uWu wunyatic? 
T-TWANyIO. Siw, you seem a sobew *cries* ancient gentweman ^w^ by youw :3 habit, xDD but 
youw wowds show you a *sighs* madman. W-Why, siw, w-what 'cewns *moans* it you if I 
weaw peaww and gowd? I t-thank my good fathew, I am abwe to 
m-maintain it. 
V-VINCENTIO. Thy fathew! O viwwain! he is a s-saiwmakew in Bewgamo. 
BAPTISTA. Y-You *leans over* mistake, siw; you *leans over* mistake, siw. Pway, w-what do you 
think is his n-nyame? 
V-VINCENTIO. His nyame! As if I knyew nyot his nyame! I have >w< bwought him 
up *giggles shyly* evew s-since he was thwee y-yeaws owd, and his nyame is T-Twanyio. 
PEDANT. ^w^ Away, away, mad a-ass! His nyame is Wucentio; and he is minye 
onwy son, and heiw to the >_< wands of me, Signyiow Vicentio. 
V-VINCENTIO. Wucentio! O, he hath muwd'wed his mastew! L-Way howd *teleports behind you* on 
him, I chawge y-you, in the Duke's nyame. O, my son, my s-son! Teww 
me, thou viwwain, whewe is my son, Wucentio? 
T-TWANyIO. Caww f-fowth an officew. 

Entew onye *pokes you* with an OFFICEW 

Cawwy this mad knyave to the gaow. *notices bulge* Fathew Baptista, I chawge you 
see *sweats* that he be fowthcoming. 
V-VINCENTIO. Cawwy me to the gaow! 
GWEMIO. Stay, Officew; he shaww nyot go to pwison. 
BAPTISTA. Tawk nyot, Signyiow Gwemio; I say he shaww go to pwison. 
GWEMIO. Take heed, Signyiow Baptista, west you be c-cony-catch'd in 
this businyess; I dawe sweaw this is the wight V-Vincentio. 
PEDANT. Sweaw if thou daw'st. 
GWEMIO. Nyay, I dawe nyot sweaw it. 
T-TWANyIO. T-Then thou wewt best say *sweats* that I am nyot Wucentio. 
GWEMIO. Yes, I knyow thee to be Signyiow Wucentio. 
BAPTISTA. Away *pokes you* with the ;;w;; dotawd; to the gaow *pokes you* with him! 
V-VINCENTIO. Thus stwangews may be haw'd and a-abus'd. O monstwous 
viwwain! 

We-entew BIONDEWWO, *pokes you* with WUCENTIO and B-BIANCA 

BIONDEWWO. O, we awe spoiw'd; and y-yondew he is! Deny him, fowsweaw 
him, *blushes* ow e-ewse we awe aww UwU undonye. 
UwU Exeunt BIONDEWWO, TWANyIO, and PEDANT, as *looks away* fast as may be 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. [Knyeewing] Pawdon, sweet fathew. 
V-VINCENTIO. L-Wives my sweet son? 
BIANCA. Pawdon, deaw fathew. 
BAPTISTA. H-How hast thou *cuddles you* offended? 
Whewe is Wucentio? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. H-Hewe's Wucentio, 
Wight son to the wight Vincentio, 
*teleports behind you* That have ^w^ by mawwiage made t-thy daughtew minye, 
Whiwe countewfeit supposes bweaw'd thinye *teleports behind you* eynye. 
GWEMIO. H-Hewe's packing, *pokes you* with a witnyess, to d-deceive us a-aww! 
V-VINCENTIO. Whewe is *sweats* that d-damnyed viwwain, Twanyio, 
*teleports behind you* That fac'd and b-bwav'd me in this mattew *moans* so? 
BAPTISTA. W-Why, teww me, is nyot this my Cambio? 
BIANCA. Cambio is chang'd into Wucentio. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Wove wwought these m-miwacwes. Bianca's wove 
Made me exchange my state *pokes you* with Twanyio, 
Whiwe he did beaw my countenyance in the town; 
And h-happiwy I have awwived at the wast 
Unto the wished haven of my bwiss. 
What Twanyio did, m-mysewf enfowc'd him uWu to; 
T-Then pawdon him, sweet fathew, fow my sake. 
V-VINCENTIO. I'ww swit the viwwain's nyose *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd have OwO sent me to 
the gaow. 
BAPTISTA. [To L-WUCENTIO] But do you heaw, s-siw? Have you mawwied my 
daughtew without *sweats* asking my good wiww? 
V-VINCENTIO. Feaw nyot, Baptista; we wiww content y-you, go uWu to; xDD but I 
wiww in to be wevenged fow this viwwainy. Exit 
BAPTISTA. And I to s-sound the depth of this knyavewy. Exit 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Wook nyot pawe, Bianca; t-thy fathew wiww nyot f-fwown. 
UwU Exeunt WUCENTIO and B-BIANCA 
GWEMIO. My c-cake is dough, xDD but I'ww in among the west; 
Out of hope of aww xDD but my shawe of the feast. Exit 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Husband, wet's f-fowwow to see the end of this ado. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Fiwst kiss me, Kate, and we wiww. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. What, in the m-midst of the stweet? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. What, awt thou a-asham'd of me? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. N-Nyo, siw; OwO God fowbid; xDD but a-asham'd to kiss. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, then, wet's h-home again. Come, siwwah, wet's a-away. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Nyay, I wiww give thee a kiss; n-nyow pway ^w^ thee, wove, stay. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *looks at you* Is nyot this weww? Come, my sweet K-Kate: 
Bettew once than nyevew, fow nyevew too wate. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
WUCENTIO'S h-house 

Entew BAPTISTA, >_< VINCENTIO, GWEMIO, the PEDANT, WUCENTIO, *cries* BIANCA, 
PETWUCHIO, KATHEWINyA, HOWTENSIO, and *shuffles closer* WIDOW. The SEWVINGMEN *pokes you* with TWANyIO, 
BIONDEWWO, and G-GWUMIO, bwinging in a banquet 

*leans over* WUCENTIO. At wast, *sighs* though wong, o-ouw jawwing nyotes agwee; 
And time *moans* it is when waging waw is donye 
To smiwe at scapes and pewiws o-ovewbwown. 
My *looks at you* faiw Bianca, bid my fathew wewcome, 
Whiwe I *pokes you* with uWu sewf-same x3 kindnyess wewcome thinye. 
Bwothew Petwuchio, sistew Kathewinya, 
And thou, Howtensio, *pokes you* with t-thy ^.^ woving *moans* widow, 
Feast *pokes you* with the best, and wewcome to my house. 
My banquet is to cwose o-ouw stomachs up 
Aftew o-ouw gweat good *leans over* cheew. *twerks* Pway y-you, sit down; 
F-Fow n-nyow we sit to chat as weww as eat. [They sit] 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyothing xDD but sit and sit, and *cries* eat and eat! 
BAPTISTA. Padua *screams* affowds this k-kindnyess, son Petwuchio. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Padua *screams* affowds nyothing xDD but w-what is kind. 
HOWTENSIO. F-Fow b-both o-ouw ^w^ sakes I ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that wowd wewe twue. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyow, fow my l-wife, Howtensio feaws his widow. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. T-Then nyevew twust me if I be afeawd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. YOU awe vewy sensibwe, and yet you miss my *leans over* sense: 
I *looks at you* mean Howtensio is afeawd of you. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. He *sweats* that is giddy thinks the wowwd tuwns wound. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Woundwy *twerks* wepwied. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Mistwess, how *looks at you* mean you that? 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Thus I conceive ^w^ by him. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Conceives ^w^ by me! H-How wikes Howtensio that? 
HOWTENSIO. My widow says t-thus she conceives h-hew tawe. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Vewy weww *blushes* mended. Kiss him fow that, good widow. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. 'He *sweats* that is giddy thinks the wowwd tuwns wound.' 
I pway you teww me w-what you *screams* meant ^w^ by that. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Youw husband, being twoubwed *pokes you* with a shwew, 
Measuwes my husband's sowwow ^w^ by his woe; 
And n-nyow you knyow my meanying. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. A vewy *looks at you* mean meanying. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. *looks at you* Wight, I *looks at you* mean you. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. And I am mean, indeed, wespecting you. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. To hew, Kate! 
HOWTENSIO. To hew, widow! 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A hundwed mawks, my Kate does p-put h-hew :33 down. 
HOWTENSIO. That's my office. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Spoke wike an officew- ha' to ^w^ thee, wad. 
[-[Dwinks to HOWTENSIO] 
BAPTISTA. H-How wikes Gwemio these quick-witted fowks? 
GWEMIO. Bewieve me, siw, they b-butt togethew weww. 
BIANCA. Head and butt! *looks at you* An hasty-witted body 
Wouwd say youw *sweats* head and b-butt wewe *sweats* head and hown. 
V-VINCENTIO. :33 Ay, *notices bulge* mistwess ^w^ bwide, hath *sweats* that ^-^ awakenyed you? 
BIANCA. :33 Ay, xDD but nyot fwighted me; thewefowe I'ww sweep again. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyay, *sweats* that you shaww nyot; s-since you have begun, 
Have at you fow a bittew jest *blushes* ow two. 
BIANCA. Am I youw biwd? I *looks at you* mean to UwU shift my *teleports behind you* bush, 
And then puwsue me as you dwaw youw ;;w;; bow. 
Y-You awe wewcome aww. 
UwU Exeunt *cries* BIANCA, KATHEWINyA, and WIDOW 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. She hath pwevented me. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Signyiow Twanyio, 
This biwd you a-aim'd at, *sighs* though you hit h-hew nyot; 
Thewefowe a heawth to aww *sweats* that *sweats* shot and miss'd. 
T-TWANyIO. O, siw, Wucentio s-swipp'd me wike his gweyhound, 
Which wuns ^.^ himsewf, and catches fow his :33 mastew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A good swift simiwe, xDD but s-something cuwwish. 
T-TWANyIO. 'Tis weww, siw, *sweats* that you *sweats* hunted fow youwsewf; 
'Tis thought youw deew does howd you at a bay. 
BAPTISTA. O, O, Petwuchio! Twanyio hits you nyow. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I t-thank thee fow *sweats* that giwd, good T-Twanyio. 
HOWTENSIO. Confess, ^w^ confess; hath he nyot hit you hewe? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. 'A has a wittwe gaww'd me, I ^w^ confess; 
And, as the jest did ^w^ gwance away fwom me, 
'Tis ten to onye *moans* it maim'd you xDD two outwight. 
BAPTISTA. Nyow, in good sadnyess, son Petwuchio, 
I think thou hast the vewiest s-shwew of aww. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. *sighs* Weww, I say nyo; and thewefowe, fow assuwance, 
Wet's each onye send unto his wife, 
And he :33 whose wife is most *moans* obedient, 
To come at f-fiwst when he doth send fow hew, 
Shaww win the wagew which we wiww pwopose. 
HOWTENSIO. Content. What's the *pokes you* wagew? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Twenty cwowns. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Twenty cwowns? 
I'ww ventuwe so much of my *cuddles you* hawk *blushes* ow hound, 
But twenty times so much upon my wife. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. A hundwed UwU then. 
HOWTENSIO. Content. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. A match! 'tis donye. 
HOWTENSIO. Who shaww begin? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. *teleports behind you* That wiww I. 
Go, *sighs* Biondewwo, bid youw *notices bulge* mistwess come to me. 
BIONDEWWO. I go. Exit 
BAPTISTA. Son, I'ww be youw h-hawf B-Bianca c-comes. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I'ww have nyo hawves; I'ww beaw *moans* it aww mysewf. 

We-entew B-BIONDEWWO 

H-How nyow! w-what nyews? 
BIONDEWWO. Siw, my *notices bulge* mistwess *shuffles closer* sends you wowd 
*teleports behind you* That she is busy and she cannyot come. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. H-How! S-She's busy, and she cannyot come! 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that an answew? 
GWEMIO. :33 Ay, and a k-kind onye too. 
*twerks* Pway >_< God, siw, youw wife send you nyot a wowse. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I hope bettew. 
HOWTENSIO. *leans over* Siwwah *sighs* Biondewwo, go and entweat my wife 
To come to me fowthwith. Exit B-BIONDEWWO 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. O, ho! entweat *blushes* hew! 
Nyay, then she must ;;w;; nyeeds come. 
HOWTENSIO. I am afwaid, siw, 
Do w-what you can, youws wiww nyot be entweated. 

We-entew B-BIONDEWWO 

Nyow, whewe's my wife? 
BIONDEWWO. She says you have *blushes* some g-goodwy jest in hand: 
She wiww nyot come; she b-bids you come to hew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Wowse and w-wowse; she wiww nyot come! O v-viwe, 
Intowewabwe, nyot to be enduw'd! 
*leans over* Siwwah Gwumio, go to youw mistwess; 
Say I command h-hew come to me. Exit GWUMIO 
HOWTENSIO. I knyow h-hew answew. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-What? 
HOWTENSIO. She wiww nyot. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. The f-fouwew fowtunye minye, and thewe an end. 

We-entew KATHEWINyA 

BAPTISTA. Nyow, ^w^ by my howidame, x3 hewe c-comes Kathewinya! 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. What is youw siw, *sweats* that you send fow me? 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Whewe is youw sistew, and Howtensio's wife? 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. They sit confewwing ^w^ by the *pokes you* pawwouw fiwe. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Go, fetch them hithew; if they deny to come. 
Swinge me them soundwy f-fowth unto t-theiw h-husbands. 
^w^ Away, I say, and b-bwing them hithew stwaight. 
Exit KATHEWINyA 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. Hewe is a wondew, if you tawk of a wondew. 
HOWTENSIO. And so *moans* it is. I wondew w-what *moans* it bodes. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Mawwy, peace *moans* it xDD bodes, and wove, and quiet l-wife, 
*looks at you* An awfuw wuwe, and wight supwemacy; 
And, to be showt, w-what nyot that's sweet and happy. 
BAPTISTA. >_> Nyow *looks at you* faiw befaww ^w^ thee, good Petwuchio! 
The wagew thou hast w-won; and I wiww ^w^ ad 
Unto t-theiw wosses twenty thousand cwowns; 
Anyothew *blushes* dowwy to anyothew daughtew, 
F-Fow she is chang'd, as she h-had nyevew been. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Nyay, I wiww win my wagew bettew yet, 
And show mowe sign of h-hew *twerks* obedience, 
Hew nyew-buiwt *hugs tightly* viwtue and obedience. 

We-entew KATHEWINyA *pokes you* with B-BIANCA and WIDOW 

See whewe she c-comes, and bwings youw ^.^ fwowawd wives 
As >w< pwisonyews to h-hew w-womanwy pewsuasion. 
^.^ Kathewinye, *sweats* that cap of youws becomes you nyot: 
Off *pokes you* with *sweats* that ^.^ baubwe, thwow *moans* it xDD undewfoot. 
[KATHEWINyA c-compwies] 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Wowd, wet me nyevew have a c-cause to *pokes you* sigh 
Tiww I be >w< bwought to such a uWu siwwy *cries* pass! 
BIANCA. OwO Fie! w-what a foowish duty *giggles shyly* caww you *sweats* this? 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. I ^.^ wouwd youw duty wewe as foowish too; 
The wisdom of youw duty, *looks at you* faiw Bianca, 
Hath cost me a hundwed cwowns s-since suppew-time! 
BIANCA. The mowe foow you fow waying *teleports behind you* on my d-duty. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. ^.^ Kathewinye, I chawge ^w^ thee, teww these h-headstwong women 
What duty they do owe t-theiw l-wowds and h-husbands. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. Come, come, y-you'we mocking; we wiww have nyo tewwing. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Come on, I *notices bulge* say; and f-fiwst begin *pokes you* with hew. 
*shuffles closer* WIDOW. She shaww nyot. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. I say she shaww. And f-fiwst begin *pokes you* with hew. 
*hugs tightly* KATHEWINyA. Fie, fie! unknyit *sweats* that t-thweatenying u-unkind bwow, 
And dawt nyot scownfuw *moans* gwances fwom those eyes 
To ^.^ wound t-thy wowd, t-thy king, t-thy g-govewnyow. 
It bwots t-thy beauty as fwosts do *sighs* bite the meads, 
Confounds t-thy fame as whiwwwinds s-shake *looks at you* faiw buds, 
And in nyo sense is meet *blushes* ow amiabwe. 
A woman mov'd is wike a fountain twoubwed- 
Muddy, iww-seeming, thick, b-beweft of beauty; 
And whiwe *moans* it is so, nyonye so dwy *blushes* ow thiwsty 
Wiww deign to >_> sip *blushes* ow touch onye dwop of it. 
Thy h-husband is t-thy wowd, t-thy l-wife, t-thy keepew, 
Thy head, t-thy soveweign; onye *sweats* that c-cawes fow ^w^ thee, 
And fow t-thy OwO maintenyance commits his body 
To painfuw wabouw b-both ^w^ by *notices bulge* sea and l-wand, 
To watch the nyight in UwU stowms, the day in cowd, 
Whiwst thou wiest wawm at home, secuwe and safe; 
And cwaves nyo othew twibute at t-thy h-hands 
But wove, *looks at you* faiw >_> wooks, and twue obedience- 
Too wittwe payment fow so gweat a debt. 
*screams* Such duty as the subject owes the pwince, 
Even such a woman oweth to h-hew husband; 
And when she is fwowawd, peevish, suwwen, souw, 
And nyot o-obedient to his honyest wiww, 
What is she xDD but a f-fouw contending webew 
And gwacewess twaitow to h-hew ^.^ woving wowd? 
I am a-asham'd *sweats* that women awe so simpwe 
To *teleports behind you* offew waw whewe they shouwd knyeew fow *screams* peace; 
Ow seek fow wuwe, supwemacy, and OwO sway, 
When they awe bound to sewve, wove, and obey. 
Why awe o-ouw bodies soft and weak and smooth, 
Unyapt to toww and t-twoubwe in the wowwd, 
But *sweats* that o-ouw soft conditions and o-ouw heawts 
Shouwd weww agwee *pokes you* with o-ouw extewnyaw pawts? 
Come, come, you ^.^ fwowawd and *cuddles you* unyabwe *giggles shyly* wowins! 
My mind hath been as big as onye of youws, 
My heawt as gweat, my weason hapwy mowe, 
To :33 bandy wowd fow wowd and f-fwown fow fwown; 
But n-nyow I see o-ouw wances awe xDD but stwaws, 
Ouw stwength as weak, o-ouw weaknyess past xDD compawe, 
*teleports behind you* That seeming to be most which we indeed *notices bulge* weast awe. 
T-Then xDD vaiw youw stomachs, fow *moans* it is nyo ;;w;; boot, 
And pwace youw h-hands bewow youw husband's f-foot; 
In token of which duty, if he pwease, 
My h-hand is r-weady, may *moans* it do him *leans over* ease. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. W-Why, thewe's a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. *sighs* Weww, go t-thy ways, owd wad, fow thou shawt *sighs* ha't. 
V-VINCENTIO. 'Tis a good heawing when chiwdwen awe towawd. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. But a h-hawsh heawing when women awe f-fwowawd. 
*screams* PETWUCHIO. Come, Kate, we'ww to *twerks* bed. 
We thwee awe m-mawwied, xDD but you xDD two awe sped. 
[To L-WUCENTIO] 'Twas I won the wagew, *sighs* though you hit the *notices bulge* white; 
And being a winnyew, OwO God give you good nyight! 
UwU Exeunt PETWUCHIO and KATHEWINyA 
HOWTENSIO. >_> Nyow go t-thy ways; thou hast tam'd a c-cuwst ^-^ shwow. 
*leans over* WUCENTIO. 'Tis a wondew, ^w^ by youw weave, she wiww be tam'd so. 
UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1612 

THE TEMPEST 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

*blushes* AWONSO, King of uWu Nyapwes 
SEBASTIAN, his b-bwothew 
xDD PWOSPEWO, the wight D-Duke of Miwan 
*giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, his bwothew, the usuwping D-Duke of Miwan 
FEWDINyAND, son to the King of uWu Nyapwes 
GONZAWO, an honyest owd counsewwow 

Wowds 
*hugs tightly* ADWIAN 
FWANCISCO 
C-CAWIBAN, a savage and defowmed swave 
TWINCUWO, a jestew 
STEPHANyO, a dwunken butwew 
MASTEW OF A SHIP 
BOATSWAIN 
MAWINyEWS 

MIWANDA, daughtew to Pwospewo 

AWIEW, an aiwy spiwit 

Spiwits 
IWIS 
CEWES 
JUNyO 
NYMPHS 
WEAPEWS 
Othew Spiwits attending *teleports behind you* on Pwospewo 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
A ship at sea; aftewwawds an unyinhabited iswand 



THE TEMPEST 
ACT I. SCENyE 1 

On a ship at sea; a t-tempestuous nyoise of thundew and wightnying h-heawd 

Entew a SHIPMASTEW and a BOATSWAIN 

MASTEW. Boatswain! 
BOATSWAIN. *shuffles closer* Hewe, mastew; w-what cheew? 
MASTEW. Good! Speak to th' mawinyews; faww to't yawewy, *blushes* ow 
we wun ouwsewves agwound; b-bestiw, bestiw. Exit 

Entew MAWINyEWS 

BOATSWAIN. Heigh, my heawts! cheewwy, cheewwy, my heawts! 
yawe, yawe! Take in the topsaiw. Tend to th' m-mastew's 
whistwe. Bwow tiww thou buwst t-thy wind, if woom enyough. 

Entew *blushes* AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, FEWDINyAND 
GONZAWO, and OTHEWS 

AWONSO. Good boatswain, have cawe. Whewe's the mastew? 
Pway the men. 
BOATSWAIN. I pway nyow, keep bewow. 
ANTONyIO. Whewe is the mastew, boson? 
BOATSWAIN. Do you nyot heaw him? Y-You maw o-ouw wabouw; 
keep youw *moans* cabins; you do assist the s-stowm. 
G-GONZAWO. Nyay, ^-^ good, be *looks away* patient. 
BOATSWAIN. When the *notices bulge* sea is. Hence! What c-cawes these 
woawews fow the nyame of king? To cabin! siwence! Twoubwe 
us nyot. 
G-GONZAWO. Good, yet wemembew whom thou hast aboawd. 
BOATSWAIN. *cuddles you* Nyonye *sweats* that I mowe wove than mysewf. Y-You awe 
counsewwow; if you can command these *sighs* ewements to 
s-siwence, and wowk the peace of the pwesent, we wiww nyot 
h-hand a *sighs* wope mowe. U-Use youw authowity; if you cannyot, give 
thanks you have wiv'd so wong, and make youwsewf r-weady 
in youw cabin fow the mischance of the houw, if *moans* it so 
hap.-Cheewwy, good ^w^ heawts!-Out of o-ouw way, I say. 
Exit 
G-GONZAWO. I have gweat comfowt fwom this fewwow. Methinks 
he hath nyo dwownying mawk upon :3 him; his compwexion is 
pewfect gawwows. Stand fast, good Fate, to his hanging; 
make the *sighs* wope of his *looks away* destiny o-ouw cabwe, fow o-ouw own doth 
wittwe advantage. If he be nyot bown to be hang'd, o-ouw 
*screams* case is misewabwe. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew BOATSWAIN 

BOATSWAIN. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with the topmast. Yawe, wowew, wowew! 
Bwing h-hew to t-twy wi' th' maincouwse. [A cwy within] A 
pwague upon this howwing! They awe woudew than the 
>w< weathew *blushes* ow o-ouw office. 

We-entew SEBASTIAN, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, and GONZAWO 

Y-Yet again! What do you hewe? Shaww we give o'ew, and 
d-dwown? Have you a mind to sink? 
S-SEBASTIAN. A p-pox o' youw thwoat, you bawwing, bwasphemous, 
inchawitabwe dog! 
BOATSWAIN. Wowk y-you, UwU then. 
ANTONyIO. Hang, cuw; hang, you whoweson, insowent nyoisemakew; 
we awe wess afwaid to be *notices bulge* dwown'd than thou awt. 
G-GONZAWO. I'ww wawwant him fow dwownying, *sighs* though the ship wewe 
nyo stwongew than a nyutsheww, and as weaky as an x3 unstanched 
*twerks* wench. 
BOATSWAIN. L-Way h-hew *shuffles closer* a-howd, a-howd; set h-hew xDD two couwses; off 
to *notices bulge* sea again; *looks at you* way h-hew off. 

Entew MAWINyEWS, Wet 
M-MAWINyEWS. Aww wost! to pwayews, to pwayews! aww wost! 
UwU Exeunt 
BOATSWAIN. What, must o-ouw *hugs tightly* mouths be cowd? 
G-GONZAWO. The King and Pwince at pwayews! 
Wet's assist them, 
F-Fow o-ouw *screams* case is as theiws. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I am out of *notices bulge* patience. 
ANTONyIO. We awe *looks at you* mewewy cheated of o-ouw wives ^w^ by dwunkawds. 
This wide-chopp'd wascaw-wouwd thou mightst wie dwownying 
The washing of ten tides! 
G-GONZAWO. He'ww be hang'd yet, 
Though evewy dwop of watew sweaw against it, 
And gape at wid'st to gwut him. 
[A confused nyoise *looks at you* within: Mewcy *teleports behind you* on us! 
We spwit, we spwit! Faweweww, my wife and chiwdwen! 
Faweweww, bwothew! We spwit, we spwit, we spwit!] 
ANTONyIO. Wet's aww sink wi' th' King. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Wet's take weave of him. 
UwU Exeunt ANTONyIO and *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN 
G-GONZAWO. >_> Nyow ^.^ wouwd I give a thousand fuwwongs of *notices bulge* sea fow 
an acwe of bawwen :3 gwound-wong heath, bwown f-fuwze, any 
thing. The w-wiwws a-above be donye, xDD but I ^.^ wouwd fain die 
dwy death. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2 

The Iswand. B-Befowe PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

Entew P-PWOSPEWO and *blushes* MIWANDA 

MIWANDA. If ^w^ by youw awt, my deawest fathew, you have 
*looks at you* Put the w-wiwd watews in this woaw, awway them. 
The sky, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, ^.^ wouwd *blushes* pouw down stinking p-pitch, 
But *sweats* that the sea, mounting to th' wewkin's cheek, 
Dashes the fiwe ^w^ out. O, I have suffewed 
With those *sweats* that I *moans* saw >_< suffew! A bwave vessew, 
Who h-had nyo d-doubt *blushes* some nyobwe cweatuwe in hew, 
Dash'd aww to pieces! O, the cwy did knyock 
Against my vewy heawt! Poow souws, they ^-^ pewish'd. 
Had I been any *cries* god of powew, I ^.^ wouwd 
Have sunk the *notices bulge* sea within the eawth *blushes* ow ewe 
It shouwd the good ship so have swawwow'd and 
The fwaughting s-souws within hew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Be conyected; 
Nyo mowe amazement; teww youw p-piteous heawt 
>_> Thewe's nyo hawm donye. 
MIWANDA. O, woe the day! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Nyo OwO hawm. 
I have donye nyothing xDD but in OwO cawe of ^w^ thee, 
Of ^w^ thee, my deaw ^.^ onye, ^w^ thee, my daughtew, w-who 
Awt ignyowant of w-what thou awt, nyought *looks at you* knyowing 
Of whence I am, n-nyow *sweats* that I am mowe bettew 
*notices bulge* Than Pwospewo, mastew of a fuww poow ceww, 
And t-thy nyo gweatew fathew. 
MIWANDA. Mowe to knyow 
*sweats* Did nyevew meddwe *pokes you* with my thoughts. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. 'Tis time 
I shouwd *cries* infowm thee fawthew. Wend t-thy hand, 
And pwuck my magic gawment fwom me. >_> So, 
[-[Ways down his mantwe] 
Wie thewe my awt. xDD Wipe thou thinye eyes; have comfowt. 
The d-diwefuw spectacwe of the wweck, which t-touch'd 
The vewy *hugs tightly* viwtue of compassion in ^w^ thee, 
I have *pokes you* with such *looks away* pwovision in minye awt 
So safewy owdewed *sweats* that thewe is nyo souw- 
N-Nyo, nyot so much pewdition as an haiw 
Betid to any cweatuwe in the vessew 
Which thou ^-^ heawd'st cwy, which thou saw'st sink. 
Sit *giggles shyly* down, fow thou must n-nyow knyow fawthew. 
MIWANDA. Y-You have *looks away* often 
Begun to teww me w-what I a-am; xDD but stopp'd, 
And >w< weft me to a bootwess inquisition, 
C-Concwuding 'Stay; nyot yet.' 
:33 PWOSPEWO. The houw's n-nyow come; 
The vewy minyute b-bids thee ope thinye eaw. 
Obey, and be >w< attentive. C-Canst thou wemembew 
A time befowe we came unto this ceww? 
I do nyot think thou canst; fow then thou wast nyot 
Out thwee y-yeaws owd. 
MIWANDA. *cuddles you* Cewtainwy, siw, I c-can. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. By *cuddles you* what? By any othew *notices bulge* house, *blushes* ow pewson? 
Of any thing the image, teww me, *sweats* that 
Hath kept *pokes you* with t-thy wemembwance? 
MIWANDA. 'Tis faw off, 
And wathew wike a d-dweam than an *sweats* assuwance 
*teleports behind you* That my wemembwance wawwants. Had I nyot 
*giggles shyly* Fouw, *blushes* ow f-five, women o-once, *sweats* that tended me? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou hadst, and mowe, Miwanda. But how is *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That this wives in t-thy mind? What seest thou e-ewse 
In the dawk backwawd and abysm of ;;w;; time? 
If thou r-wememb'west aught, ewe thou OwO cam'st hewe, 
H-How thou OwO cam'st x3 hewe thou mayst. 
MIWANDA. But *sweats* that I do nyot. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Twewve *leans over* yeaw since, M-Miwanda, t-twewve *leans over* yeaw since, 
Thy fathew was the D-Duke of Miwan, and 
A pwince of *cuddles you* powew. 
MIWANDA. Siw, awe nyot you my fathew? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Thy mothew was a piece of viwtue, and 
She s-said thou wast my daughtew; and t-thy fathew 
*hugs tightly* Was D-Duke of Miwan, and his onwy heiw 
And pwincess nyo wowse issued. 
MIWANDA. O, the heavens! 
What f-fouw pway h-had we *sweats* that we came fwom *sighs* thence? 
Ow bwessed was't we did? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Both, both, my giww. 
By f-fouw pway, as thou s-say'st, wewe we heav'd thence; 
But bwessedwy howp *looks at you* hithew. 
MIWANDA. O, my heawt bweeds 
To think o' th' teen *sweats* that I have tuwn'd you to, 
Which is fwom my r-wemembwance. Pwease y-you, fawthew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. My b-bwothew and t-thy uncwe, c-caww'd Antonyio- 
I pway ^w^ thee, mawk me *sweats* that a b-bwothew shouwd 
Be so pewfidious. He, whom nyext thysewf 
Of aww the wowwd I wov'd, and to him p-put 
The manyage of my state; as at *sweats* that time 
Thwough aww the signyowies *moans* it was the fiwst, 
And Pwospewo the *shuffles closer* pwime d-duke, being so r-weputed 
In dignyity, and fow the wibewaw awts 
Without a pawawwew, those being aww my study- 
The govewnment I OwO cast upon my b-bwothew 
And to my state gwew s-stwangew, being twanspowted 
And *giggles shyly* wapt in secwet studies. Thy f-fawse u-uncwe- 
Dost thou a-attend me? 
MIWANDA. Siw, most h-heedfuwwy. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Being once pewfected how to gwant *giggles shyly* suits, 
H-How to deny them, w-who t' a-advance, and w-who 
To twash fow ovew-topping, nyew cweated 
The cweatuwes *sweats* that wewe minye, I say, *blushes* ow chang'd 'em, 
Ow e-ewse nyew *screams* fowm'd '-'em; having b-both the key 
Of *sighs* officew and office, set aww heawts i-i' th' state 
To w-what tunye pweas'd his eaw; *sweats* that n-nyow he was 
The *looks away* ivy which h-had hid my pwincewy twunk 
And suck'd my vewduwe out on't. *moans* Thou :33 attend'st nyot. 
MIWANDA. O, good siw, I do! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. I pway ^w^ thee, mawk me. 
I t-thus nyegwecting wowwdwy ends, aww dedicated 
To cwosenyess and the bettewing of my mind 
With *sweats* that which, xDD but ^w^ by being so r-wetiw'd, 
O'ew-pwiz'd aww *twerks* popuwaw wate, in my f-fawse b-bwothew 
Awak'd an eviw nyatuwe; and my twust, 
Wike a good pawent, did beget of him 
A *cries* fawsehood, in its contwawy as gweat 
As my twust was; which h-had indeed nyo wimit, 
A confidence sans bound. He being t-thus ^.^ wowded, 
Nyot onwy *pokes you* with w-what my r-wevenyue yiewded, 
But w-what my *cries* powew might e-ewse exact, wike onye 
Who having into twuth, ^w^ by tewwing of it, 
Made such a sinnyew of his memowy, 
To *screams* cwedit his own wie-he did bewieve 
He was indeed the *pokes you* Duke; out o' th' substitution, 
And *cries* executing th' *cuddles you* outwawd *cuddles you* face of woyawty 
With aww p-pwewogative. Hence his *giggles shyly* ambition g-gwowing- 
Dost thou heaw? 
MIWANDA. Youw tawe, siw, ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* cuwe deafnyess. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. To have nyo *moans* scween between this *cries* pawt he pway'd 
And him he pway'd *moans* it *notices bulge* fow, he ;;w;; nyeeds wiww be 
Absowute Miwan. M-Me, poow man-my wibwawy 
*hugs tightly* Was d-dukedom l-wawge enyough-of tempowaw *sweats* woyawties 
He thinks me n-nyow incapabwe; confedewates, 
So dwy he was fow OwO sway, wi' th' King of Nyapwes, 
To give him annyuaw x3 twibute, do him homage, 
S-Subject his *cries* cowonyet to his cwown, and *looks away* bend 
The dukedom, yet unbow'd-awas, poow *moans* Miwan!- 
To most ignyobwe stooping. 
MIWANDA. O the heavens! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Mawk his condition, and th' event, then teww me 
If this might be a bwothew. 
MIWANDA. I shouwd sin 
To think xDD but nyobwy of my g-gwandmothew: 
Good wombs have bownye UwU bad sons. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. >_> Nyow the c-condition: 
This King of Nyapwes, being an enyemy 
To me i-invetewate, heawkens my bwothew's suit; 
Which was, *sweats* that he, in wieu o' th' pwemises, 
Of homage, and I knyow nyot how much x3 twibute, 
Shouwd p-pwesentwy OwO extiwpate me and minye 
Out of the dukedom, and confew *looks at you* faiw Miwan 
With aww the honyouws *teleports behind you* on my bwothew. Wheweon, 
A *leans over* tweachewous awmy wevied, onye midnyight 
Fated to th' puwpose, did Antonyio open 
The gates of Miwan; and, i-i' th' dead of dawknyess, 
The minyistews fow th' puwpose huwwied thence 
Me and t-thy cwying sewf. 
MIWANDA. Awack, fow >w< pity! 
I, nyot wememb'wing how I cwied out then, 
Wiww cwy *moans* it o'ew again; *moans* it is a hint 
*teleports behind you* That wwings minye eyes to't. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Heaw a wittwe fuwthew, 
And then I'ww b-bwing thee to the ^.^ pwesent b-businyes 
Which n-nyow's upon 's; without the which this *leans over* stowy 
Wewe most impewtinyent. 
MIWANDA. Whewefowe did they nyot 
*teleports behind you* That houw d-destwoy us? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Weww demanded, wench! 
My tawe pwovokes *sweats* that q-question. Deaw, they d-duwst nyot, 
So deaw the wove my peopwe xDD bowe me; n-nyow set 
A mawk so bwoody *teleports behind you* on the businyess; xDD but 
With cowouws faiwew ;;w;; painted t-theiw f-fouw ends. 
In few, they huwwied us aboawd a >w< bawk; 
Bowe us *blushes* some weagues to sea, whewe they pwepawed 
A wotten cawcass of a >_> butt, nyot wigg'd, 
N-Nyow tackwe, s-saiw, n-nyow mast; the vewy r-wats 
Instinctivewy have *teleports behind you* quit it. *cries* Thewe they hoist us, 
To cwy to th' sea, *sweats* that woaw'd to us; to *pokes you* sigh 
To th' :33 winds, :33 whose pity, sighing back again, 
*sweats* Did us xDD but ^.^ woving wwong. 
MIWANDA. Awack, w-what t-twoubwe 
*hugs tightly* Was I then to y-you! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. O, a chewubin 
*moans* Thou wast *sweats* that did pwesewve me! *moans* Thou didst *hugs tightly* smiwe, 
*teleports behind you* Infused *pokes you* with a fowtitude fwom heaven, 
When I have deck'd the *notices bulge* sea *pokes you* with *sighs* dwops fuww sawt, 
Undew my b-buwden gwoan'd; which wais'd in me 
*looks at you* An u-undewgoing stomach, to beaw up 
Against w-what shouwd e-ensue. 
MIWANDA. H-How came we a-ashowe? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. By Pwovidence divinye. 
Some f-food we h-had and *blushes* some fwesh watew *sweats* that 
A nyobwe Nyeapowitan, :3 Gonzawo, 
Out of his chawity, w-who being then appointed 
Mastew of this design, did give us, *pokes you* with 
Wich gawments, winyens, stuffs, and nyecessawies, 
Which s-since have s-steaded *moans* much; so, of his gentwenyess, 
Knyowing I *notices bulge* wov'd my b-books, he fuwnyish'd me 
Fwom minye own wibwawy *pokes you* with vowumes *sweats* that 
I pwize a-above my dukedom. 
MIWANDA. Wouwd I might 
But *giggles shyly* evew see *sweats* that man! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. >_> Nyow I awise. *leans over* [Puts *teleports behind you* on his mantwe] 
Sit stiww, and heaw the wast of o-ouw sea-sowwow. 
Hewe in this iswand we awwiv'd; and x3 hewe 
Have I, t-thy schoowmastew, made thee mowe pwofit 
*notices bulge* Than othew *cuddles you* pwincess' can, *sweats* that have mowe time 
F-Fow vainyew houws, and t-tutows nyot so cawefuw. 
MIWANDA. H-Heavens t-thank you fow't! And nyow, I pway y-you, 
siw, 
F-Fow stiww 'tis beating in my *leans over* mind, youw weason 
F-Fow waising this sea-stowm? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Knyow t-thus faw fowth: 
By accident most *sweats* stwange, bountifuw Fowtunye, 
>_> Nyow my deaw wady, hath minye enyemies 
B-Bwought to this s-showe; and ^w^ by my pwescience 
I find my zenyith doth depend upon 
A most *notices bulge* auspicious staw, :33 whose infwuence 
If n-nyow I couwt nyot, xDD but omit, my *sighs* fowtunyes 
Wiww *giggles shyly* evew aftew dwoop. Hewe c-cease mowe questions; 
*moans* Thou awt i-incwin'd to sweep; 'tis a good duwwnyess, 
And give *moans* it way. I knyow thou ;;w;; canst nyot choose. 
[MIWANDA sweeps] 
Come away, x3 sewvant; come; I am r-weady nyow. 
A-Appwoach, my Awiew. Come. 

Entew AWIEW 

AWIEW. Aww haiw, gweat mastew! gwave siw, *notices bulge* haiw! I come 
To *sighs* answew t-thy best pweasuwe; be't to fwy, 
To swim, to d-dive into the fiwe, to wide 
On the cuww'd cwouds. To t-thy stwong bidding task 
Awiew and aww his quawity. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Hast thou, spiwit, 
Pewfowm'd to point the *cries* tempest *sweats* that I bade *moans* thee? 
AWIEW. To evewy a-awticwe. 
I boawded the K-King's ship; n-nyow *teleports behind you* on the beak, 
>_> Nyow in the >_> waist, the deck, in evewy *twerks* cabin, 
I fwam'd *teleports behind you* amazement. Sometime I'd d-divide, 
And buwn in many ^w^ pwaces; *teleports behind you* on the topmast, 
The yawds, and b-bowspwit, ^.^ wouwd I *pokes you* fwame *cries* distinctwy, 
T-Then meet and join Jove's wightnying, the pwecuwsows 
*shuffles closer* O' th' dweadfuw thundew-cwaps, mowe momentawy 
And sight-outwunnying wewe nyot; the fiwe and cwacks 
Of suwphuwous r-woawing the most mighty Nyeptunye 
Seem to besiege, and make his bowd waves twembwe, 
Yea, his xDD dwead *cuddles you* twident shake. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. My bwave spiwit! 
Who was so fiwm, so constant, *sweats* that this c-coiw 
Wouwd nyot infect his weason? 
AWIEW. Nyot a souw 
But fewt a fevew of the *cries* mad, and pway'd 
Some twicks of despewation. Aww xDD but mawinyews 
Pwung'd in the foaming *sighs* bwinye, and *teleports behind you* quit the vessew, 
T-Then aww a-afiwe *pokes you* with me; the K-King's son, Fewdinyand, 
With haiw up-stawing-then wike weeds, nyot haiw- 
*hugs tightly* Was the f-fiwst man *sweats* that weapt; cwied 'Heww is e-empty, 
And aww the *cuddles you* deviws awe hewe.' 
:33 PWOSPEWO. W-Why, that's my spiwit! 
But was nyot this n-nyigh :33 showe? 
AWIEW. Cwose by, my :33 mastew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. But awe they, Awiew, safe? 
AWIEW. Nyot a haiw pewish'd; 
On t-theiw sustainying gawments nyot a bwemish, 
But fweshew than befowe; and, as thou bad'st me, 
In *teleports behind you* twoops I have uWu dispews'd them 'bout the iswe. 
The K-King's son have I l-wanded ^w^ by ^.^ himsewf, 
Whom I >w< weft coowing of the a-aiw *pokes you* with sighs 
In an odd angwe of the i-iswe, and sitting, 
His awms in this sad k-knyot. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Of the K-King's ship, 
The mawinyews, say how thou hast dispos'd, 
And aww the west o' th' fweet? 
AWIEW. Safewy in *sweats* hawbouw 
*looks at you* Is the K-King's ship; in the deep :3 nyook, whewe once 
*moans* Thou caww'dst me up at midnyight to fetch dew 
Fwom the stiww-vex'd Bewmoothes, thewe she's h-hid; 
The mawinyews aww undew *looks away* hatches stowed, 
*leans over* Who, *pokes you* with a chawm join'd to t-theiw suff'wed wabouw, 
I have >w< weft asweep; and fow the west o' th' fweet, 
Which I dispews'd, they aww have m-met again, 
And awe upon the Meditewwanyean fwote 
Bound *shuffles closer* sadwy h-home fow Nyapwes, 
Supposing *sweats* that they *moans* saw the K-King's ship >_< wweck'd, 
And his gweat pewson pewish. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Awiew, t-thy chawge 
*blushes* Exactwy is pewfowm'd; xDD but thewe's mowe w-wowk. 
What is the time o' th' day? 
AWIEW. Past the mid season. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. At *notices bulge* weast xDD two g-gwasses. The time 'twixt ^-^ six and n-nyow 
M-Must ^w^ by us b-both be spent most pweciouswy. 
AWIEW. *looks at you* Is thewe mowe t-toiw? Since thou dost give me pains, 
Wet me wemembew thee w-what thou hast pwomis'd, 
Which is nyot yet pewfowm'd me. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. H-How nyow, m-moody? 
What is't thou ;;w;; canst demand? 
AWIEW. My wibewty. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. B-Befowe the time be out? Nyo mowe! 
AWIEW. I pwithee, 
Wemembew I have donye thee wowthy sewvice, 
Towd thee nyo wies, made thee nyo mistakings, sewv'd 
Without *blushes* ow gwudge *blushes* ow gwumbwings. *moans* Thou didst pwomise 
To bate me a fuww yeaw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Dost thou fowget 
Fwom w-what a t-towment I did fwee *moans* thee? 
AWIEW. Nyo. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou dost; and think'st *moans* it much to twead the *sighs* ooze 
Of the uWu sawt deep, 
To wun upon the shawp *cuddles you* wind of the >w< nyowth, 
To do me businyess in the *shuffles closer* veins o' th' eawth 
When *moans* it is bak'd *pokes you* with fwost. 
AWIEW. I do nyot, siw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou wiest, mawignyant thing. Hast thou fowgot 
The f-fouw *pokes you* witch Sycowax, w-who *pokes you* with age and envy 
*hugs tightly* Was g-gwown into a h-hoop? Hast thou fowgot hew? 
AWIEW. N-Nyo, siw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou hast. Whewe was she bown? 
*teleports behind you* Speak; teww me. 
AWIEW. Siw, in A-Awgiew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. O, was she *moans* so? I must 
O-Once in a month wecount w-what thou hast been, 
Which thou fowget'st. This d-damn'd *pokes you* witch Sycowax, 
F-Fow mischiefs manyifowd, and sowcewies x3 tewwibwe 
To entew human heawing, fwom :3 Awgiew 
*moans* Thou knyow'st was banyish'd; fow onye thing she did 
They ^.^ wouwd nyot take h-hew wife. *looks at you* Is nyot this twue? 
AWIEW. :33 Ay, siw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. This bwue-ey'd h-hag was hithew >w< bwought *pokes you* with chiwd, 
And x3 hewe was >w< weft ^w^ by th'saiwows. x3 Thou, my swave, 
As thou :3 wepowt'st thysewf, wast then h-hew x3 sewvant; 
And, fow thou wast a spiwit too dewicate 
To act h-hew eawthy and abhoww'd commands, 
Wefusing h-hew gwand hests, she did confinye ^w^ thee, 
By hewp of h-hew mowe potent *giggles shyly* minyistews, 
And in h-hew most unmitigabwe wage, 
Into a cwoven *sweats* pinye; within which wift 
Impwison'd thou didst painfuwwy wemain 
A dozen yeaws; within which space she died, 
And >w< weft thee thewe, whewe thou didst vent t-thy gwoans 
As *looks away* fast as miww-wheews stwike. T-Then was this iswand- 
Save fow the son *sweats* that she did wittew hewe, 
A :33 fweckw'd whewp, *hugs tightly* hag-bown-nyot honyouw'd *pokes you* with 
A human s-shape. 
AWIEW. Yes, Cawiban h-hew son. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO Duww thing, I say so; he, *sweats* that Cawiban 
Whom n-nyow I keep in sewvice. *moans* Thou best knyow'st 
What t-towment I did find thee in; t-thy gwoans 
*sweats* Did make wowves howw, and penyetwate the bweasts 
Of evew-angwy beaws; *moans* it was a t-towment 
To *looks at you* way upon the damn'd, which S-Sycowax 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot ;;w;; again undo. It was minye awt, 
When I *looks at you* awwiv'd and h-heawd ^w^ thee, *sweats* that made gape 
The pinye, and wet thee ^w^ out. 
AWIEW. I t-thank ^w^ thee, :33 mastew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. If thou mowe muwmuw'st, I wiww wend an oak 
And peg thee in his knyotty entwaiws, tiww 
*moans* Thou hast howw'd away t-twewve wintews. 
AWIEW. Pawdon, mastew; 
I wiww be c-cowwespondent to command, 
And do my spwiting g-gentwy. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Do so; and aftew xDD two days 
I wiww dischawge thee. 
AWIEW. That's my nyobwe mastew! 
What shaww I do? Say what. What shaww I do? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Go make thysewf wike a nymph o' th' sea; be subject 
To nyo s-sight xDD but thinye and minye, invisibwe 
To evewy eyebaww ewse. Go take this shape, 
And hithew come in 't. Go, hence *pokes you* with diwigence! 
Exit AWIEW 
:33 Awake, deaw h-heawt, a-awake; thou hast swept weww; 
Awake. 
MIWANDA. The stwangenyess of youw *leans over* stowy p-put 
Heavinyess in me. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Shake *moans* it off. Come on, 
We'ww visit Cawiban, my swave, w-who nyevew 
*looks away* Yiewds us k-kind answew. 
MIWANDA. 'Tis a viwwain, siw, 
I do nyot wove to wook on. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. But as *cuddles you* 'tis, 
We cannyot miss him: he does make o-ouw fiwe, 
Fetch in o-ouw wood, and sewves in *leans over* offices 
*teleports behind you* That pwofit us. What ho! swave! ^w^ Cawiban! 
*moans* Thou eawth, thou! Speak. 
CAWIBAN. [ Within] >_> Thewe's wood enyough *looks at you* within. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Come fowth, I *notices bulge* say; thewe's othew businyess fow thee. 
Come, thou *giggles shyly* towtoise! when? 

We-entew AWIEW wike a watew-nymph 

Finye appawition! My quaint Awiew, 
Hawk in thinye eaw. 
AWIEW. My wowd, *moans* it shaww be donye. Exit 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou p-poisonyous swave, got ^w^ by the deviw himsewf 
^-^ Upon t-thy wicked dam, come f-fowth! 

Entew CAWIBAN 

CAWIBAN. As wicked dew as ^w^ e'ew my mothew bwush'd 
With r-waven's feathew fwom unwhowesome fen 
Dwop *teleports behind you* on you both! A south-west bwow *teleports behind you* on ye 
And bwistew you aww o'ew! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. F-Fow t-this, be suwe, to-nyight thou shawt have cwamps, 
Side-stitches *sweats* that shaww pen t-thy >_< bweath up; uwchins 
*twerks* Shaww, fow *sweats* that vast of nyight *sweats* that they may wowk, 
Aww exewcise *teleports behind you* on thee; thou shawt be pinch'd 
As thick as honyeycomb, each p-pinch mowe stinging 
*notices bulge* Than b-bees *sweats* that made 'em. 
CAWIBAN. I must *cries* eat my dinnyew. 
This iswand's minye, ^w^ by S-Sycowax my m-mothew, 
Which thou t-tak'st fwom me. When thou OwO cam'st fiwst, 
*moans* Thou stwok'st me and made much of me, wouwdst give me 
*sighs* Watew *pokes you* with b-bewwies in't, and teach me how 
To nyame the biggew >w< wight, and how the wess, 
*teleports behind you* That buwn ^w^ by day and nyight; and then I *notices bulge* wov'd ^w^ thee, 
And show'd thee aww the quawities o' th' i-iswe, 
The fwesh spwings, bwinye-pits, bawwen pwace and fewtiwe. 
Cuws'd be I *sweats* that did so! Aww the chawms 
Of Sycowax, toads, beetwes, bats, wight *teleports behind you* on y-you! 
F-Fow I am aww the subjects *sweats* that you h-have, 
Which f-fiwst was minye own king; and x3 hewe you sty me 
In this hawd r-wock, whiwes you do keep fwom me 
The west o' th' iswand. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou most wying swave, 
Whom stwipes may m-move, nyot kindnyess! I have *screams* us'd ^w^ thee, 
Fiwth as thou awt, *pokes you* with human cawe, and wodg'd thee 
In minye own ceww, tiww thou didst seek to ^.^ viowate 
The honyouw of my chiwd. 
CAWIBAN. O ho, O ho! W-Wouwd't h-had been donye. 
*moans* Thou didst pwevent me; I h-had peopw'd e-ewse 
This iswe *pokes you* with Cawibans. 
MIWANDA. Abhowwed swave, 
Which any pwint of goodnyess wiwt nyot take, 
Being capabwe of aww iww! I pitied ^w^ thee, 
Took pains to make thee speak, taught thee each houw 
Onye thing *blushes* ow othew. When thou didst nyot, savage, 
Knyow thinye own m-meanying, xDD but wouwdst gabbwe wike 
A thing most bwutish, I e-endow'd t-thy puwposes 
With wowds *sweats* that made them k-knyown. But t-thy viwe *moans* wace, 
Though thou didst weawn, h-had *sweats* that in't which good n-nyatuwes 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot abide to be with; thewefowe wast thou 
Desewvedwy confin'd into this r-wock, w-who hadst 
Desewv'd mowe than a pwison. 
CAWIBAN. Y-You taught me wanguage, and my pwofit on't 
Is, I knyow how to cuwse. The wed pwague wid you 
F-Fow weawnying me youw wanguage! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Hag-seed, hence! 
Fetch us in *blushes* fuew. And be quick, thou 'wt best, 
To *sighs* answew othew businyess. Shwug'st thou, mawice? 
If thou nyegwect'st, *blushes* ow dost unwiwwingwy 
What I command, I'ww OwO wack thee *pokes you* with owd cwamps, 
Fiww aww t-thy b-bonyes *pokes you* with aches, make thee woaw, 
*teleports behind you* That beasts shaww twembwe at t-thy din. 
CAWIBAN. N-Nyo, pway thee. 
OwO [Aside] I must obey. His awt is of such pow'w, 
It ^.^ wouwd *looks away* contwow my dam's g-god, Setebos, 
And make a vassaw of him. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. >_> So, swave; hence! Exit CAWIBAN 

We-entew AWIEW invisibwe, ;;w;; pwaying ^w^ ad >_< singing; 
FEWDINyAND fowwowing 

AWIEW'S SONG. 
Come unto these yewwow sands, 
And then take hands; 
Cuwtsied when you have and kiss'd, 
The w-wiwd waves whist, 
F-Foot *moans* it f-featwy x3 hewe and thewe, 
And, sweet spwites, the b-buwden beaw. 
Hawk, hawk! 
[Buwden d-dispewsedwy: Bow-wow.] 
The watch dogs bawk. 
[Buwden d-dispewsedwy: Bow-wow.] 
Hawk, hawk! I heaw 
The s-stwain of stwutting *sweats* chanticweew 
Cwy, x3 Cock-a-diddwe-dow. 
FEWDINyAND. Whewe shouwd this *hugs tightly* music b-be? I' th' a-aiw *blushes* ow th' 
eawth? 
It sounds nyo *looks away* mowe; and suwe *moans* it w-waits upon 
Some *cries* god o' th' iswand. Sitting *teleports behind you* on a bank, 
W-Weeping ;;w;; again the King my fathew's wweck, 
This *hugs tightly* music cwept ^w^ by me upon the watews, 
Awwaying b-both t-theiw fuwy and my passion 
With its sweet aiw; thence I have fowwow'd it, 
Ow *moans* it hath dwawn me *giggles shyly* wathew. But 'tis gonye. 
N-Nyo, *moans* it begins again. 

AWIEW'S SONG 
Fuww *cries* fathom five t-thy fathew wies; 
Of his b-bonyes awe *notices bulge* cowaw made; 
Those awe p-peawws *sweats* that wewe his eyes; 
Nyothing of him *sweats* that doth fade 
But doth suffew a sea-change 
Into s-something wich and stwange. 
Sea-nymphs houwwy wing his ^w^ knyeww: 
[Buwden: Ding-dong.] 
Hawk! n-nyow I heaw them-Ding-dong beww. 

FEWDINyAND. The ditty does wemembew my *notices bulge* dwown'd fathew. 
This is nyo mowtaw businyess, n-nyow nyo s-sound 
*teleports behind you* That the eawth owes. I heaw *moans* it n-nyow a-above me. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. The fwinged cuwtains of thinye eye a-advance, 
And say w-what thou seest yond. 
MIWANDA. What is't? a spiwit? 
Wowd, how *moans* it wooks about! Bewieve me, siw, 
It cawwies a bwave fowm. But 'tis a spiwit. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. N-Nyo, wench; *moans* it eats and sweeps and hath such senses 
As we h-have, such. This gawwant which thou seest 
*hugs tightly* Was in the wweck; and xDD but he's s-something stain'd 
With gwief, that's beauty's cankew, thou mightst *giggles shyly* caww him 
A g-goodwy p-pewson. He hath wost his fewwows, 
And *twerks* stways a-about to find 'em. 
MIWANDA. I might *giggles shyly* caww him 
A thing divinye; fow nyothing n-nyatuwaw 
I *giggles shyly* evew *moans* saw so nyobwe. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] It goes on, I see, 
As my souw pwompts it. S-Spiwit, finye spiwit! I'ww fwee thee 
Within xDD two days fow this. 
FEWDINyAND. Most suwe, the goddess 
On whom these aiws attend! Vouchsafe my pway'w 
May knyow if you wemain upon this iswand; 
And *sweats* that you wiww *blushes* some good instwuction give 
H-How I may beaw me hewe. My *shuffles closer* pwime wequest, 
Which I do wast pwonyounce, *screams* is, O you wondew! 
If you be maid *blushes* ow nyo? 
MIWANDA. Nyo wondew, siw; 
But cewtainwy a maid. 
FEWDINyAND. My *sighs* wanguage? xDD Heavens! 
I am the best of them *sweats* that speak this speech, 
Wewe I xDD but whewe 'tis spoken. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. How? the best? 
What wewt thou, if the King of uWu Nyapwes h-heawd *moans* thee? 
FEWDINyAND. A s-singwe thing, as I am nyow, *sweats* that wondews 
To heaw thee speak of Nyapwes. He does heaw me; 
And *sweats* that he does I >_< weep. Mysewf am Nyapwes, 
Who *pokes you* with minye e-eyes, nyevew s-since at ebb, *giggles shyly* behewd 
The King my fathew wweck'd. 
MIWANDA. Awack, fow ^-^ mewcy! 
FEWDINyAND. Yes, faith, and aww his wowds, the D-Duke of Miwan 
And his bwave son being *leans over* twain. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] The D-Duke of Miwan 
And his mowe b-bwavew daughtew couwd *looks away* contwow ^w^ thee, 
If n-nyow 'twewe fit to do't. At the f-fiwst s-sight 
They have chang'd eyes. x3 Dewicate Awiew, 
I'ww set thee fwee fow this. [To F-FEWDINyAND] A wowd, good 
siw; 
I feaw you have donye youwsewf *blushes* some wwong; a wowd. 
MIWANDA. Why speaks my fathew so ungentwy? This 
*looks at you* Is the thiwd man *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I saw; the f-fiwst 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew I UwU sigh'd *shuffles closer* fow. ^.^ Pity move my fathew 
To be i-incwin'd my way! 
FEWDINyAND. O, if a viwgin, 
And youw affection nyot g-gonye fowth, I'ww make you 
The Queen of Nyapwes. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *shuffles closer* Soft, Siw! onye wowd mowe. 
OwO [Aside] They awe b-both in eithew's pow'ws; xDD but this swift 
b-businyes 
I must unyeasy m-make, west too wight winnying 
Make the pwize wight. [To F-FEWDINyAND] Onye wowd *looks away* mowe; I 
chawge thee 
*teleports behind you* That thou a-attend me; thou dost x3 hewe usuwp 
The nyame thou ow'st nyot; and hast p-put thysewf 
^-^ Upon this iswand as a spy, to win *moans* it 
Fwom me, the *hugs tightly* wowd on't. 
FEWDINyAND. N-Nyo, as I am a *pokes you* man. 
MIWANDA. >_> Thewe's nyothing iww can dweww in such a tempwe. 
If the iww spiwit have so *looks at you* faiw a *notices bulge* house, 
Good things wiww stwive to dweww w-with't. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Fowwow me. 
Speak nyot you fow :3 him; he's a *leans over* twaitow. C-Come; 
I'ww >_< manyacwe t-thy nyeck and feet togethew. 
Sea-watew shawt thou dwink; t-thy f-food shaww be 
The f-fwesh-bwook mussews, withew'd woots, and husks 
Whewein the acown cwadwed. Fowwow. 
FEWDINyAND. Nyo; 
I wiww wesist such *twerks* entewtainment tiww 
M-Minye enyemy has mowe *cuddles you* powew. 
:3 [He dwaws, and is chawmed fwom m-moving] 
MIWANDA. O deaw fathew, 
Make nyot too r-wash a twiaw of him, fow 
He's gentwe, and nyot feawfuw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. What, I say, 
My f-foot my tutow? *looks at you* Put t-thy swowd up, twaitow; 
Who mak'st a show xDD but daw'st nyot *blushes* stwike, t-thy conscience 
*looks at you* Is so possess'd *pokes you* with guiwt. Come fwom t-thy wawd; 
F-Fow I can x3 hewe disawm thee *pokes you* with this stick 
And make t-thy weapon dwop. 
MIWANDA. Beseech y-you, fathew! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Hence! Hang nyot *teleports behind you* on my gawments. 
MIWANDA. Siw, have pity; 
I'ww be his suwety. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Siwence! Onye wowd mowe 
Shaww make me chide ^w^ thee, if nyot hate thee. *pokes you* What! 
*looks at you* An advocate fow an impostow! hush! 
*moans* Thou think'st thewe is nyo mowe such shapes as he, 
Having :33 seen xDD but him and C-Cawiban. Foowish wench! 
To th' most of men this is a Cawiban, 
And they to him awe angews. 
MIWANDA. My affections 
Awe then most humbwe; I have nyo *giggles shyly* ambition 
To see a *sweats* goodwiew *pokes you* man. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Come on; obey. 
Thy nyewves awe in t-theiw infancy again, 
And have nyo vigouw in them. 
FEWDINyAND. So they awe; 
My spiwits, as in a dweam, awe aww bound up. 
My fathew's woss, the weaknyess which I feew, 
The wweck of aww my fwiends, n-nyow this man's t-thweats 
To whom I am s-subdu'd, awe xDD but wight to me, 
Might I xDD but uWu thwough my pwison once a day 
*screams* Behowd this maid. Aww cownyews e-ewse o' th' eawth 
Wet wibewty make use of; space enyough 
Have I in such a pwison. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] It wowks. [To F-FEWDINyAND] Come on.- 
*moans* Thou hast donye weww, finye Awiew! [To F-FEWDINyAND] Fowwow 
me. 
[To AWIEW] Hawk w-what thou e-ewse shawt do me. 
MIWANDA. Be of comfowt; 
My fathew's of a bettew nyatuwe, siw, 
*notices bulge* Than he a-appeaws ^w^ by s-speech; this is unwonted 
Which n-nyow came fwom him. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. [To AWIEW] *moans* Thou shawt be as fwee 
As mountain winds; xDD but then exactwy do 
Aww points of my *sweats* command. 
AWIEW. To th' sywwabwe. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. [To F-FEWDINyAND] Come, fowwow. [To MIWANDA] 
Speak nyot fow him. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the iswand 

Entew *blushes* AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, GONZAWO, ADWIAN, uWu FWANCISCO, and OTHEWS 

G-GONZAWO. Beseech y-you, siw, be mewwy; you have x3 cause, 
So have we a-aww, of joy; fow o-ouw escape 
*looks at you* Is much beyond o-ouw *shuffles closer* woss. Ouw hint of woe 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* common; evewy day, *blushes* some *notices bulge* saiwow's wife, 
The mastews of *blushes* some mewchant, and the mewchant, 
Have *shuffles closer* just o-ouw theme of woe; xDD but fow the miwacwe, 
I *looks at you* mean o-ouw pwesewvation, f-few in miwwions 
C-Can speak wike us. T-Then wisewy, good siw, weigh 
Ouw sowwow *pokes you* with o-ouw comfowt. 
AWONSO. Pwithee, *teleports behind you* peace. 
S-SEBASTIAN. He weceives comfowt wike cowd powwidge. 
ANTONyIO. The visitow wiww nyot give him o'ew so. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Wook, he's winding up the watch of his w-wit; ^w^ by 
and ^w^ by *moans* it wiww stwike. 
G-GONZAWO. Siw- 
S-SEBASTIAN. Onye-Teww. 
G-GONZAWO. When evewy g-gwief is entewtain'd that's offew'd, 
Comes to th' *looks away* entewtainyew- 
S-SEBASTIAN. A dowwaw. 
G-GONZAWO. Dowouw c-comes to him, indeed; you have spoken 
*leans over* twuew than you puwpos'd. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Y-You have taken *moans* it wisewiew than I *screams* meant you 
s-shouwd. 
G-GONZAWO. Thewefowe, my l-wowd- 
ANTONyIO. Fie, w-what a spendthwift is he of his tongue! 
AWONSO. I pwithee, spawe. 
G-GONZAWO. *sighs* Weww, I have d-donye; xDD but yet- 
S-SEBASTIAN. He wiww be t-tawking. 
ANTONyIO. Which, of he *blushes* ow Adwian, fow a good wagew, f-fiwst 
begins to c-cwow? 
S-SEBASTIAN. The owd cock. 
ANTONyIO. The cock'wew. 
S-SEBASTIAN. ^-^ Donye. The *pokes you* wagew? 
ANTONyIO. A waughtew. 
S-SEBASTIAN. A match! 
ADWIAN. Though this iswand seem to be desewt- 
ANTONyIO. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
S-SEBASTIAN. >_> So, y-you'we paid. 
ADWIAN. Unyinhabitabwe, and awmost inyaccessibwe- 
S-SEBASTIAN. Y-Yet- 
ADWIAN. Y-Yet- 
ANTONyIO. He couwd nyot miss't. 
ADWIAN. It must ;;w;; nyeeds be of subtwe, tendew, and dewicate 
tempewance. 
ANTONyIO. Tempewance was a dewicate *twerks* wench. 
S-SEBASTIAN. :33 Ay, and a subtwe; as he most weawnyedwy 
dewivew'd. 
ADWIAN. The a-aiw bweathes upon us x3 hewe most sweetwy. 
S-SEBASTIAN. As if *moans* it h-had wungs, and wotten onyes. 
ANTONyIO. Ow, as 'twewe pewfum'd ^w^ by a fen. 
G-GONZAWO. Hewe is evewything advantageous to wife. 
ANTONyIO. Twue; uWu save means to l-wive. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Of *sweats* that thewe's nyonye, *blushes* ow wittwe. 
G-GONZAWO. H-How wush and l-wusty the gwass wooks! how gween! 
ANTONyIO. The gwound indeed is tawny. 
S-SEBASTIAN. With an eye of gween in't. 
ANTONyIO. He misses nyot much. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Nyo; he doth xDD but mistake the uWu twuth ^w^ totawwy. 
G-GONZAWO. But the *sweats* wawity of *moans* it *screams* is, which is indeed awmost 
beyond *shuffles closer* cwedit- 
S-SEBASTIAN. As many v-vouch'd wawities awe. 
G-GONZAWO. *teleports behind you* That o-ouw gawments, being, as they wewe, dwench'd 
in the sea, x3 howd, nyotwithstanding, t-theiw fweshnyess and 
gwosses, being wathew nyew-dy'd, than stain'd *pokes you* with uWu sawt 
*looks at you* watew. 
ANTONyIO. If xDD but onye of his pockets couwd speak, ^.^ wouwd *moans* it 
nyot say he l-wies? 
S-SEBASTIAN. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow vewy f-fawsewy pocket up his wepowt. 
G-GONZAWO. Methinks o-ouw gawments awe n-nyow as fwesh as when 
we p-put them *teleports behind you* on f-fiwst in Afwic, at the mawwiage of the 
K-King's *looks at you* faiw daughtew Cwawibew to the King of Tunyis. 
S-SEBASTIAN. 'Twas a sweet mawwiage, and we pwospew weww in 
o-ouw wetuwn. 
ADWIAN. Tunyis was nyevew gwac'd befowe *pokes you* with such a pawagon 
to t-theiw queen. 
G-GONZAWO. Nyot s-since widow Dido's time. 
ANTONyIO. Widow! a p-pox o' that! H-How came *sweats* that '-'widow' 
in? Widow D-Dido! 
S-SEBASTIAN. What if he h-had s-said 'widowew Aenyeas' too? 
Good Wowd, how you take it! 
ADWIAN. 'Widow Dido' s-said you? Y-You make me study of 
that. She was of Cawthage, nyot of Tunyis. 
G-GONZAWO. This Tunyis, siw, was Cawthage. 
ADWIAN. Cawthage? 
G-GONZAWO. I ;;w;; assuwe y-you, Cawthage. 
ANTONyIO. His wowd is mowe than the miwacuwous >w< hawp. 
S-SEBASTIAN. He hath wais'd the waww, and houses too. 
ANTONyIO. What impossibwe mattew wiww he make e-easy nyext? 
S-SEBASTIAN. I think he wiww cawwy this iswand h-home in his 
pocket, and give *moans* it his son fow an appwe. 
ANTONyIO. And, sowing the k-kewnyews of *moans* it in the sea, b-bwing 
f-fowth mowe iswands. 
G-GONZAWO. A-Ay. 
ANTONyIO. W-Why, in good time. 
G-GONZAWO. Siw, we wewe t-tawking *sweats* that o-ouw gawments seem n-nyow 
as fwesh as when we wewe at Tunyis at the mawwiage of 
youw daughtew, w-who is n-nyow Queen. 
ANTONyIO. And the wawest *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew came thewe. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Bate, I beseech y-you, widow Dido. 
ANTONyIO. O, widow D-Dido! :33 Ay, widow Dido. 
G-GONZAWO. *looks at you* Is nyot, siw, my doubwet as fwesh as the f-fiwst day I 
wowe it? I mean, in a s-sowt. 
ANTONyIO. *teleports behind you* That 'sowt' was weww fish'd *shuffles closer* fow. 
G-GONZAWO. When I wowe *moans* it at youw daughtew's mawwiage? 
AWONSO. Y-You cwam these wowds into minye eaws against 
The ^.^ stomach of my sense. Wouwd I h-had nyevew 
Mawwied my daughtew t-thewe; *notices bulge* fow, coming thence, 
My son is wost; and, in my wate, she too, 
Who is so faw fwom I-Itawy wemoved 
I nye'ew ;;w;; again shaww see hew. O thou minye heiw 
Of uWu Nyapwes and of Miwan, w-what stwange f-fish 
Hath made his meaw *teleports behind you* on *moans* thee? 
FWANCISCO. Siw, he may wive; 
I *moans* saw him beat the suwges undew him, 
And wide upon t-theiw backs; he twod the watew, 
Whose enmity he fwung aside, and b-bweasted 
The ;;w;; suwge most UwU swown *sweats* that m-met :3 him; his bowd *sweats* head 
'Bove the contentious waves he kept, and oawed 
Himsewf *pokes you* with his good awms in l-wusty stwoke 
To th' s-showe, *sweats* that o'ew his w-wave-wown *cries* basis bowed, 
As stooping to r-wewieve him. I nyot d-doubt 
He came awive to wand. 
AWONSO. N-Nyo, nyo, he's gonye. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Siw, you may t-thank youwsewf fow this gweat woss, 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd nyot bwess o-ouw *teleports behind you* Euwope *pokes you* with youw daughtew, 
But wathew wose h-hew to an Afwican; 
Whewe she, at weast, is banyish'd fwom youw eye, 
Who hath c-cause to wet the g-gwief on't. 
AWONSO. Pwithee, *teleports behind you* peace. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Y-You wewe knyeew'd to, and impowtun'd othewwise 
By aww of us; and the *looks at you* faiw souw hewsewf 
Weigh'd between OwO woathnyess and obedience at 
Which end o' th' beam shouwd ;;w;; bow. We have wost youw son, 
I feaw, fow evew. Miwan and uWu Nyapwes have 
Moe widows in them of this businyess' making, 
*notices bulge* Than we b-bwing men to comfowt them; 
The fauwt's youw own. 
AWONSO. So is the deaw'st o' th' *shuffles closer* woss. 
G-GONZAWO. My *hugs tightly* wowd Sebastian, 
The uWu twuth you speak doth wack *blushes* some gentwenyess, 
And time to speak *moans* it in; you wub the sowe, 
When you shouwd b-bwing the pwastew. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Vewy weww. 
ANTONyIO. And most chiwuwgeonwy. 
G-GONZAWO. It is f-fouw >w< weathew in us a-aww, good siw, 
When you awe *shuffles closer* cwoudy. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Fouw weathew? 
ANTONyIO. Vewy fouw. 
G-GONZAWO. Had I pwantation of this i-iswe, my l-wowd- 
ANTONyIO. He'd sow 't *pokes you* with nyettwe-seed. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Ow docks, *blushes* ow ;;w;; mawwows. 
G-GONZAWO. And wewe the king :3 on't, w-what ^.^ wouwd I do? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Scape being dwunk fow want of winye. 
G-GONZAWO. I' th' commonweawth I ^.^ wouwd ^w^ by contwawies 
*looks at you* Execute aww things; fow nyo k-kind of twaffic 
Wouwd I admit; nyo nyame of *pokes you* magistwate; 
L-Wettews shouwd nyot be knyown; wiches, povewty, 
And use of sewvice, nyonye; contwact, succession, 
Bouwn, bound of l-wand, tiwth, OwO vinyeyawd, nyonye; 
Nyo use of metaw, c-cown, *blushes* ow *leans over* winye, *blushes* ow oiw; 
Nyo occupation; aww men idwe, aww; 
And women too, xDD but *blushes* innyocent and puwe; 
Nyo s-soveweignty- 
S-SEBASTIAN. Y-Yet he ^.^ wouwd be king on't. 
ANTONyIO. The wattew end of his commonweawth fowgets the 
b-beginnying. 
G-GONZAWO. Aww things in common nyatuwe shouwd pwoduce 
Without sweat *blushes* ow endeavouw. Tweason, fewony, 
Swowd, pike, knyife, gun, *blushes* ow nyeed of any enginye, 
Wouwd I nyot have; xDD but nyatuwe shouwd b-bwing fowth, 
Of *moans* it own kind, aww foison, aww abundance, 
To feed my *blushes* innyocent *moans* peopwe. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Nyo mawwying 'mong his *looks at you* subjects? 
ANTONyIO. Nyonye, man; aww >_< idwe; ^-^ whowes and knyaves. 
G-GONZAWO. I ^.^ wouwd *pokes you* with such pewfection g-govewn, siw, 
T' excew the gowden age. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Save his Majesty! 
ANTONyIO. L-Wong wive *screams* Gonzawo! 
G-GONZAWO. *sighs* And-do you mawk me, s-siw? 
AWONSO. Pwithee, nyo *looks away* mowe; thou dost tawk nyothing to me. 
G-GONZAWO. I do weww bewieve youw Highnyess; and did *moans* it to 
minyistew occasion to these gentwemen, w-who awe of such 
sensibwe and n-nyimbwe wungs *sweats* that they awways use to *looks at you* waugh 
at n-nyothing. 
ANTONyIO. 'Twas you we l-waugh'd at. 
G-GONZAWO. Who in this k-kind of mewwy f-foowing am nyothing to 
you; so you may continyue, and *looks at you* waugh at nyothing stiww. 
ANTONyIO. What a bwow was thewe g-given! 
S-SEBASTIAN. *looks at you* An *moans* it h-had nyot faww'n fwat-wong. 
G-GONZAWO. Y-You awe g-gentwemen of bwave mettwe; you ^.^ wouwd 
l-wift the moon out of h-hew sphewe, if she ^.^ wouwd ^w^ continyue 
in *moans* it five weeks without *shuffles closer* changing. 

Entew AWIEW, invisibwe, ;;w;; pwaying *hugs tightly* sowemn *hugs tightly* music 

S-SEBASTIAN. We ^.^ wouwd so, and then go a-bat-fowwing. 
ANTONyIO. Nyay, good my wowd, be nyot :3 angwy. 
G-GONZAWO. N-Nyo, I wawwant you; I wiww nyot a-adventuwe my 
discwetion so weakwy. Wiww you *looks at you* waugh me asweep, fow I am 
vewy heavy? 
ANTONyIO. Go sweep, and heaw us. 
[-[Aww sweep xDD but *blushes* AWONSO, *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO] 
AWONSO. What, aww so soon asweep! I wish minye eyes 
Wouwd, *pokes you* with themsewves, s-shut up my thoughts; I find 
They awe i-incwin'd to do so. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Pwease y-you, siw, 
Do nyot omit the heavy *teleports behind you* offew of it: 
It sewdom visits sowwow; when *moans* it doth, 
It is a comfowtew. 
ANTONyIO. We t-two, my wowd, 
Wiww guawd youw pewson whiwe you take youw west, 
And watch youw safety. 
AWONSO. T-Thank y-you-wondwous *giggles shyly* heavy! 
[AWONSO sweeps. Exit AWIEW] 
S-SEBASTIAN. What a stwange dwowsinyess possesses them! 
ANTONyIO. It is the quawity o' th' c-cwimate. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Why 
Doth *moans* it nyot then o-ouw eyewids sink? I find nyot 
Mysewf dispos'd to s-sweep. 
ANTONyIO. N-Nyow I; my spiwits awe n-nyimbwe. 
They feww togethew a-aww, as ^w^ by consent; 
They dwopp'd, as ^w^ by a thundew-stwoke. What might, 
Wowthy S-Sebastian? O, w-what might! Nyo mowe! 
And yet methinks I see *moans* it in t-thy face, 
What thou shouwdst be; th' occasion speaks thee; and 
My stwong uWu imaginyation sees a cwown 
Dwopping upon t-thy h-head. 
S-SEBASTIAN. What, awt thou xDD waking? 
ANTONyIO. Do you nyot heaw me speak? 
S-SEBASTIAN. I do; and suwewy 
It is a sweepy wanguage, and thou speak'st 
Out of t-thy s-sweep. What is *moans* it thou didst say? 
This is a stwange wepose, to be asweep 
With eyes wide open; standing, speaking, moving, 
And yet so *looks away* fast asweep. 
ANTONyIO. Nyobwe Sebastian, 
*moans* Thou wet'st t-thy fowtunye sweep-die wathew; wink'st 
Whiwes thou awt waking. 
S-SEBASTIAN. *moans* Thou dost snyowe distinctwy; 
>_> Thewe's meanying in t-thy snyowes. 
ANTONyIO. I am mowe sewious than my custom; you 
M-Must be so too, if heed me; which to do 
T-Twebwes thee o'ew. 
S-SEBASTIAN. *sighs* Weww, I am >_< standing *looks at you* watew. 
ANTONyIO. I'ww teach you how to fwow. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Do so: to ebb, 
Heweditawy swoth instwucts me. 
ANTONyIO. O, 
If you xDD but knyew how you the puwpose chewish, 
Whiwes t-thus you mock it! how, in stwipping it, 
Y-You mowe i-invest it! Ebbing men indeed, 
Most o-often, do so nyeaw the bottom wun 
By t-theiw own feaw *blushes* ow *hugs tightly* swoth. 
S-SEBASTIAN. uWu Pwithee say on. 
The >_> setting of thinye eye and cheek pwocwaim 
A mattew fwom thee; and a biwth, indeed, 
Which thwoes thee much to yiewd. 
ANTONyIO. *giggles shyly* Thus, siw: 
Awthough this *hugs tightly* wowd of weak wemembwance, this 
Who shaww be of as wittwe *twerks* memowy 
When he is eawth'd, hath x3 hewe awmost pewsuaded- 
F-Fow he's a spiwit of *sweats* pewsuasion, onwy 
Pwofesses to pewsuade-the King his uWu son's *sweats* awive, 
'Tis as impossibwe *sweats* that he's undwown'd 
As he *sweats* that sweeps x3 hewe swims. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I have nyo hope 
*teleports behind you* That he's u-undwown'd. 
ANTONyIO. O, out of *sweats* that *cries* 'nyo hope' 
What gweat hope have y-you! Nyo hope *sweats* that way is 
Anyothew way so ^.^ high a hope, *sweats* that even 
Ambition cannyot piewce a wink beyond, 
But d-doubt discovewy thewe. Wiww you gwant *pokes you* with me 
*teleports behind you* That Fewdinyand is dwown'd? 
S-SEBASTIAN. He's gonye. 
ANTONyIO. T-Then teww me, 
Who's the nyext heiw of Nyapwes? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Cwawibew. 
ANTONyIO. She *sweats* that is Queen of Tunyis; she *sweats* that d-dwewws 
Ten weagues beyond man's wife; she *sweats* that fwom uWu Nyapwes 
C-Can have nyo nyote, *hugs tightly* unwess the *moans* sun wewe post, 
The Man i-i' th' >_< Moon's too *twerks* swow, tiww nyewbown chins 
Be wough and *teleports behind you* wazowabwe; she *sweats* that fwom whom 
We aww wewe sea-swawwow'd, *sighs* though *blushes* some OwO cast again, 
And ^w^ by *sweats* that destiny, to pewfowm an act 
Wheweof what's past is *twerks* pwowogue, w-what to come 
In youws and my dischawge. 
S-SEBASTIAN. What s-stuff is this! H-How say you? 
'Tis twue, my bwothew's daughtew's Queen of Tunyis; 
So is she heiw of Nyapwes; 'twixt which *teleports behind you* wegions 
*cries* Thewe is *blushes* some space. 
ANTONyIO. A space :33 whose ev'wy cubit 
Seems to cwy out 'How shaww *sweats* that Cwawibew 
Measuwe us back to Nyapwes? Keep in Tunyis, 
And wet Sebastian wake.' Say this wewe death 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow hath seiz'd them; why, they wewe nyo wowse 
*notices bulge* Than n-nyow they awe. *cries* Thewe be *sweats* that can wuwe uWu Nyapwes 
As weww as he *sweats* that sweeps; l-wowds *sweats* that can p-pwate 
As ampwy and u-unnyecessawiwy 
As this Gonzawo; I m-mysewf couwd make 
A chough of as deep chat. O, *sweats* that you xDD bowe 
The mind *sweats* that I do! What a sweep wewe this 
F-Fow youw a-advancement! Do you undewstand me? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Methinks I do. 
ANTONyIO. And how does youw content 
*notices bulge* Tendew youw own good fowtunye? 
S-SEBASTIAN. I wemembew 
Y-You did suppwant youw b-bwothew Pwospewo. 
ANTONyIO. Twue. 
And wook how weww my gawments sit upon me, 
Much featew than befowe. My bwothew's sewvants 
Wewe then my fewwows; n-nyow they awe my men. 
S-SEBASTIAN. But, fow youw conscience- 
ANTONyIO. :33 Ay, siw; whewe wies that? If 'twewe a kibe, 
'Twouwd p-put me to my swippew; xDD but I f-feew nyot 
This deity in my bosom; twenty c-consciences 
*teleports behind you* That *looks at you* stand 'twixt me and Miwan, candied be they 
And mewt, ewe they mowest! Hewe wies youw bwothew, 
Nyo bettew than the eawth he wies upon, 
If he wewe *sweats* that which n-nyow he's wike-that's d-dead; 
Whom I *pokes you* with this o-obedient steew, thwee inches of it, 
C-Can *looks at you* way to b-bed fow evew; whiwes y-you, doing :3 thus, 
To the *looks away* pewpetuaw wink fow aye might p-put 
This *cries* ancient mowsew, this Siw Pwudence, w-who 
Shouwd nyot upbwaid o-ouw couwse. F-Fow aww the west, 
T-They'ww take suggestion as a ;;w;; cat waps ^-^ miwk; 
T-They'ww teww the cwock to any businyess *sweats* that 
We say *looks at you* befits the houw. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Thy case, deaw f-fwiend, 
Shaww be my p-pwecedent; as thou got'st Miwan, 
I'ww come ^w^ by Nyapwes. >_< Dwaw t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. Onye stwoke 
Shaww fwee thee fwom the twibute which thou p-payest; 
And I the King shaww wove thee. 
ANTONyIO. >_< Dwaw togethew; 
And when I *pokes you* weaw my hand, do you the wike, 
To faww *moans* it *teleports behind you* on G-Gonzawo. 
S-SEBASTIAN. O, xDD but onye wowd. [They tawk apawt] 

We-entew AWIEW, invisibwe, *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* music and song 

AWIEW. My mastew uWu thwough his awt fowesees the d-dangew 
*teleports behind you* That y-you, his f-fwiend, awe in; and *shuffles closer* sends me fowth- 
F-Fow e-ewse his pwoject dies-to keep them wiving. 
[Sings in GONZAWO'S eaw] 
Whiwe you x3 hewe do snyowing >_< wie, 
Open-ey'd conspiwacy 
His time doth take. 
If of wife you keep a cawe, 
Shake off s-swumbew, and :3 bewawe. 
:33 Awake, awake! 

ANTONyIO. T-Then wet us b-both be sudden. 
G-GONZAWO. Nyow, good angews 
Pwesewve the King! [They *cries* wake] 
AWONSO. W-Why, how nyow?-Ho, a-awake!-Why awe you dwawn? 
Whewefowe this g-ghastwy wooking? 
G-GONZAWO. What's the m-mattew? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Whiwes we stood x3 hewe secuwing youw wepose, 
Even nyow, we h-heawd a howwow buwst of bewwowing 
Wike buwws, *blushes* ow wathew wions; did't nyot wake you? 
It stwuck minye eaw most tewwibwy. 
AWONSO. I h-heawd n-nyothing. 
ANTONyIO. O, '-'twas a d-din to fwight a m-monstew's eaw, 
To make an eawthquake! Suwe *moans* it was the x3 woaw 
Of a whowe ^.^ hewd of wions. 
AWONSO. Heawd you t-this, Gonzawo? 
G-GONZAWO. ^-^ Upon minye honyouw, siw, I h-heawd a humming, 
And *sweats* that a stwange onye too, which did *leans over* awake me; 
I shak'd y-you, siw, and *sighs* cwied; as minye eyes *sighs* open'd, 
I *moans* saw t-theiw w-weapons dwawn-thewe was a n-nyoise, 
That's vewiwy. 'Tis best we *looks at you* stand upon o-ouw guawd, 
Ow *sweats* that we *teleports behind you* quit this pwace. Wet's dwaw o-ouw weapons. 
AWONSO. *shuffles closer* Wead off this ^w^ gwound; and wet's make *twerks* fuwthew 
seawch 
F-Fow my poow son. 
G-GONZAWO. H-Heavens keep him fwom these beasts! 
F-Fow he *screams* is, suwe, i-i' th' iswand. 
AWONSO. *shuffles closer* Wead a-away. 
AWIEW. Pwospewo my *hugs tightly* wowd shaww knyow w-what I have d-donye; 
>_> So, King, go safewy *teleports behind you* on to seek t-thy son. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 2 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the iswand 

Entew C-CAWIBAN, *pokes you* with a b-buwden of wood. A nyoise of thundew h-heawd 

CAWIBAN. Aww the infections *sweats* that the *moans* sun sucks up 
Fwom bogs, fens, fwats, *teleports behind you* on P-Pwospew faww, and make him 
By inch-meaw a disease! His spiwits heaw me, 
And yet I ;;w;; nyeeds must cuwse. But they'ww n-nyow pinch, 
Fwight me *pokes you* with uwchin-shows, pitch me i-i' th' miwe, 
N-Nyow wead me, wike a fiwebwand, in the dawk 
Out of my way, *hugs tightly* unwess he bid '-'em; xDD but 
F-Fow evewy twifwe awe they set upon me; 
Sometime wike apes *sweats* that mow and chattew at me, 
And aftew *sighs* bite me; then wike h-hedgehogs which 
Wie tumbwing in my bawefoot way, and mount 
T-Theiw pwicks at my footfaww; sometime am I 
Aww ^.^ wound *pokes you* with *cuddles you* addews, w-who *pokes you* with cwoven tongues 
Do :3 hiss me into madnyess. 

Entew TWINCUWO 

*looks away* Wo, nyow, wo! 
Hewe c-comes a spiwit of his, and to t-towment me 
F-Fow bwinging wood in s-swowwy. I'ww faww fwat; 
Pewchance he wiww nyot mind me. 
>_< TWINCUWO. H-Hewe's nyeithew bush n-nyow shwub to beaw off any 
>w< weathew at a-aww, and anyothew s-stowm bwewing; I heaw *moans* it 
sing i-i' th' wind. Yond same bwack c-cwoud, :3 yond huge ^.^ onye, 
wooks wike a f-fouw bombawd *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd shed his wiquow. If 
*moans* it shouwd thundew as *moans* it did befowe, I knyow nyot whewe to 
hide my h-head. Yond same cwoud cannyot c-choose xDD but faww ^w^ by 
paiwfuws. What have we hewe? a man *blushes* ow a fish? dead *blushes* ow 
awive? A fish: he smewws wike a *teleports behind you* fish; a vewy *cries* ancient and 
fish-wike smeww; k-kind of nyot-of-the-nyewest Poow-John. A 
stwange fish! Wewe I in Engwand nyow, as once I was, and 
h-had xDD but this f-fish p-painted, nyot a howiday foow thewe xDD but 
^.^ wouwd give a piece of siwvew. *cries* Thewe ^.^ wouwd this m-monstew 
make a man; any stwange beast thewe makes a man; when 
they wiww nyot give a doit to r-wewieve a wame beggaw, they 
wiww *looks at you* way out ten to see a dead I-Indian. Wegg'd wike a 
m-man, and his fins wike awms! Wawm, o' my twoth! I do n-nyow 
wet l-woose my opinyion; howd *moans* it nyo wongew: this is nyo 
fish, xDD but an iswandew, *sweats* that hath *leans over* watewy suffewed ^w^ by 
thundewbowt. [Thundew] A-Awas, the s-stowm is come again! My 
best way is to cweep undew his gabewdinye; thewe is nyo 
othew shewtew heweabout. Misewy acquaints a man *pokes you* with 
stwange bed-fewwows. I wiww x3 hewe shwoud tiww the dwegs 
of the s-stowm be past. 

Entew STEPHANyO >_< singing; a bottwe in his h-hand 

STEPHANyO. I shaww nyo mowe to sea, to sea, 
Hewe shaww I die ashowe- 
This is a vewy scuwvy tunye to sing at a man's funyewaw; 
weww, hewe's my comfowt. [Dwinks] 

The mastew, the swabbew, the boatswain, and I, 
The gunnyew, and his mate, 
Wov'd Maww, Meg, and M-Mawian, and Mawgewy, 
But nyonye of us caw'd fow Kate; 
F-Fow she h-had a t-tongue *pokes you* with a *leans over* tang, 
Wouwd cwy to a *shuffles closer* saiwow *teleports behind you* 'Go h-hang!' 
She *notices bulge* wov'd nyot the savouw of taw n-nyow of p-pitch, 
Y-Yet a t-taiwow might scwatch h-hew whewe'ew she did itch. 
T-Then to sea, *cries* boys, and wet h-hew go hang! 

This is a scuwvy tunye too; xDD but hewe's my comfowt. 
[Dwinks] 
CAWIBAN. Do nyot t-towment me. O! 
STEPHANyO. What's the m-mattew? Have we *cuddles you* deviws hewe? Do you 
p-put twicks upon 's *pokes you* with savages and men of Ind? Ha! I 
have nyot s-scap'd dwownying to be afeawd n-nyow of youw fouw 
wegs; fow *moans* it hath been said: As pwopew a man as *giggles shyly* evew 
went *teleports behind you* on fouw wegs cannyot make him give ^w^ gwound; and *moans* it 
shaww be s-said so again, whiwe S-Stephanyo bweathes at 
nyostwiws. 
CAWIBAN. The spiwit *moans* towments me. O! 
STEPHANyO. This is *blushes* some m-monstew of the iswe *pokes you* with fouw l-wegs, 
w-who hath g-got, as I take it, an ague. Whewe the deviw 
shouwd he weawn o-ouw *sighs* wanguage? I wiww give him *blushes* some 
wewief, if *moans* it be xDD but fow that. If I can wecovew him, and 
keep him t-tame, and get to uWu Nyapwes *pokes you* with him, he's a 
^.^ pwesent fow any e-empewow *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew twod *teleports behind you* on nyeat's 
l-weathew. 
CAWIBAN. Do nyot t-towment me, pwithee; I'ww b-bwing my wood 
h-home fastew. 
STEPHANyO. He's in his fit nyow, and does nyot tawk aftew the 
wisest. He shaww taste of my bottwe; if he have nyevew 
dwunk winye a-afowe, *moans* it wiww go nyeaw to wemove his fit. If 
I can wecovew him, and keep him t-tame, I wiww nyot take 
too much fow :3 him; he shaww p-pay fow him *sweats* that hath him, 
and *sweats* that *notices bulge* soundwy. 
CAWIBAN. *moans* Thou dost me yet xDD but wittwe huwt; thou wiwt anyon, 
I knyow *moans* it ^w^ by t-thy twembwing; n-nyow P-Pwospew wowks upon thee. 
STEPHANyO. Come *teleports behind you* on youw ways; open youw mouth; x3 hewe is 
*sweats* that which wiww give wanguage to y-you, cat. Open youw 
mouth; this wiww s-shake youw shaking, I can teww y-you, and 
*sweats* that soundwy; you cannyot teww who's youw fwiend. Open 
youw chaps again. 
>_< TWINCUWO. I shouwd knyow *sweats* that voice; *moans* it shouwd ^.^ be-but he is 
dwown'd; and these awe ;;w;; deviws. O, defend me! 
STEPHANyO. Fouw wegs and xDD two voices; a most dewicate ^-^ monstew! 
His *blushes* fowwawd voice, nyow, is to speak weww of his 
fwiend; his backwawd *cuddles you* voice is to uttew f-fouw speeches and 
to d-detwact. If aww the winye in my bottwe wiww wecovew 
him, I wiww hewp his ague. Come-Amen! I wiww *blushes* pouw *blushes* some 
in t-thy othew m-mouth. 
>_< TWINCUWO. S-Stephanyo! 
STEPHANyO. Doth t-thy othew mouth *giggles shyly* caww me? Mewcy, ^-^ mewcy! 
This is a deviw, and nyo monstew; I wiww weave :3 him; I 
have nyo wong spoon. 
>_< TWINCUWO. S-Stephanyo! If thou beest Stephanyo, touch me, and 
speak to me; fow I am Twincuwo-be nyot afeawd-thy good 
fwiend Twincuwo. 
STEPHANyO. If thou beest Twincuwo, come fowth; I'ww puww 
the ^w^ by the wessew wegs; if any be Twincuwo's l-wegs, these 
awe they. *moans* Thou awt vewy Twincuwo indeed! H-How OwO cam'st thou 
to be the siege of this moon-cawf? C-Can he vent 
Twincuwos? 
>_< TWINCUWO. I t-took him to be kiww'd *pokes you* with a thundewstwoke. 
But awt thou nyot dwown'd, *looks away* Stephanyo? I hope n-nyow thou awe 
nyot dwown'd. *looks at you* Is the s-stowm ovewbwown? I hid me undew the 
dead m-moon-cawf's ^w^ gabewdinye fow feaw of the s-stowm. And 
awt thou ^-^ wiving, *looks away* Stephanyo? O Stephanyo, xDD two Nyeapowitans 
s-scap'd! 
STEPHANyO. Pwithee, do nyot tuwn me about; my ^.^ stomach is nyot 
c-constant. 
CAWIBAN. OwO [Aside] These be finye things, an if they be nyot 
s-spwites. 
That's a bwave g-god, and beaws cewestiaw wiquow. 
I wiww knyeew to him. 
STEPHANyO. H-How didst thou scape? H-How OwO cam'st thou hithew? 
Sweaw ^w^ by this bottwe how thou OwO cam'st hithew-I e-escap'd 
upon a b-butt of sack, which the saiwows heaved o-o'ewboawd- 
^w^ by this bottwe, which I made of the bawk of a ^.^ twee, *pokes you* with 
minye own uWu hands, s-since I was OwO cast a-ashowe. 
CAWIBAN. I'ww sweaw upon *sweats* that bottwe to be t-thy twue 
subject, fow the wiquow is nyot eawthwy. 
STEPHANyO. Hewe; sweaw then how thou escap'dst. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Swum ashowe, m-man, wike a duck; I can *cuddles you* swim wike 
a duck, I'ww be swown. 
STEPHANyO. [Passing the bottwe] *shuffles closer* Hewe, kiss the book. Though 
thou ;;w;; canst *cuddles you* swim wike a duck, thou awt made wike a 
goose. 
>_< TWINCUWO. O Stephanyo, hast any mowe of *sweats* this? 
STEPHANyO. The whowe >_> butt, man; my cewwaw is in a wock ^w^ by 
th' seaside, whewe my winye is hid. H-How nyow, moon-cawf! 
H-How does thinye ague? 
CAWIBAN. Hast thou nyot >_> dwopp'd fwom heaven? 
STEPHANyO. Out o' th' m-moon, I do ;;w;; assuwe thee; I was the Man 
i-i' th' Moon, when time w-was. 
CAWIBAN. I have :33 seen thee in hew, and I do adowe thee. My 
*notices bulge* mistwess show'd me ^w^ thee, and t-thy dog and t-thy b-bush. 
STEPHANyO. Come, sweaw to that; kiss the book. I wiww 
*shuffles closer* fuwnyish *moans* it anyon *pokes you* with nyew contents. *sighs* Sweaw. 
[CAWIBAN dwinks] 
>_< TWINCUWO. By this good >w< wight, this is a vewy shawwow 
^-^ monstew! 
I afeawd of him! A vewy weak ^-^ monstew! The Man i-i' th' 
Moon! A most poow cweduwous ^-^ monstew! Weww dwawn, 
monstew, in good sooth! 
CAWIBAN. I'ww show thee evewy fewtiwe i-inch o' th' iswand; 
and wiww kiss t-thy foot. I pwithee be my god. 
>_< TWINCUWO. By this >w< wight, a most pewfidious and dwunken 
^-^ monstew! When's *hugs tightly* god's asweep he'ww wob his bottwe. 
CAWIBAN. I'ww kiss t-thy f-foot; I'ww sweaw m-mysewf t-thy 
:3 subject. 
STEPHANyO. Come on, then; *giggles shyly* down, and sweaw. 
>_< TWINCUWO. I shaww *looks at you* waugh m-mysewf to death at this puppy- 
headed monstew. A most scuwvy ^-^ monstew! I couwd find in 
my heawt to beat him- 
STEPHANyO. Come, kiss. 
>_< TWINCUWO. But *sweats* that the poow m-monstew's in *pokes you* dwink. *looks at you* An 
abominyabwe ^-^ monstew! 
CAWIBAN. I'ww show thee the best spwings; I'ww pwuck thee 
^w^ bewwies; 
I'ww f-fish fow ^w^ thee, and get thee wood enyough. 
A pwague upon the tywant *sweats* that I sewve! 
I'ww beaw him nyo mowe ^.^ sticks, xDD but f-fowwow ^w^ thee, 
*moans* Thou *cuddles you* wondwous *pokes you* man. 
>_< TWINCUWO. A most r-widicuwous monstew, to make a wondew of 
a poow dwunkawd! 
CAWIBAN. I pwithee wet me b-bwing thee whewe c-cwabs gwow; 
And I *pokes you* with my wong nyaiws wiww dig thee pig-nyuts; 
Show thee a j-jay's nyest, and i-instwuct thee how 
To x3 snyawe the n-nyimbwe mawmoset; I'ww b-bwing thee 
To *sweats* cwust'wing fiwbewts, and sometimes I'ww get thee 
Young scamews fwom the wock. Wiwt thou go *pokes you* with me? 
STEPHANyO. I pwithee nyow, wead the way without any mowe 
t-tawking. Twincuwo, the King and aww o-ouw company e-ewse 
being dwown'd, we wiww inhewit hewe. *shuffles closer* Hewe, beaw my bottwe. 
Fewwow Twincuwo, we'ww fiww him ^w^ by and ^w^ by again. 
CAWIBAN. [Sings dwunkenwy] Faweweww, mastew; faweweww, 
faweweww! 
>_< TWINCUWO. A howwing monstew; a dwunken ^-^ monstew! 
CAWIBAN. Nyo mowe *moans* dams I'ww make fow *teleports behind you* fish; 
N-Nyow fetch in f-fiwing 
At wequiwing, 
N-Nyow scwape t-twenchewing, n-nyow wash *teleports behind you* dish. 
'Ban 'Ban, Ca-Cawiban, 
Has a nyew mastew-Get a nyew *pokes you* man. 
*cuddles you* Fweedom, high-day! ^-^ high-day, fweedom! fweedom, high- 
day, fweedom! 
STEPHANyO. O bwave ^-^ monstew! *shuffles closer* Wead the way. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE 1 

B-Befowe PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

Entew FEWDINyAND, heawing a wog 

FEWDINyAND. *cries* Thewe be *blushes* some spowts awe painfuw, and t-theiw 
wabouw 
Dewight in them sets off; *blushes* some k-kinds of basenyess 
Awe nyobwy undewgonye, and most poow *teleports behind you* mattews 
Point to wich ends. This my *looks at you* mean task 
Wouwd be as heavy to me as o-odious, xDD but 
The *notices bulge* mistwess which I sewve quickens what's dead, 
And makes my wabouws *leans over* pweasuwes. O, she is 
Ten times mowe g-gentwe than h-hew fathew's cwabbed; 
And he's compos'd of hawshnyess. I must wemove 
Some thousands of these wogs, and *sweats* piwe them up, 
^-^ Upon a sowe injunction; my sweet *notices bulge* mistwess 
*twerks* Weeps when she sees me wowk, and says such basenyess 
Had nyevew wike executow. I fowget; 
But these sweet *hugs tightly* thoughts do even wefwesh my wabouws, 
Most busy, *notices bulge* weast when I do it. 

Entew MIWANDA; and P-PWOSPEWO at a d-distance, unseen 

MIWANDA. A-Awas, x3 nyow; pway y-you, 
Wowk nyot so hawd; I ^.^ wouwd the wightnying h-had 
Buwnt up those wogs *sweats* that you awe enjoin'd to piwe. 
Pway, set *moans* it down and west you; when this b-buwns, 
uWu 'Twiww weep fow having *pokes you* weawied you. My fathew 
*looks at you* Is hawd at study; pway, nyow, west youwsewf; 
He's safe fow these thwee houws. 
FEWDINyAND. O most deaw mistwess, 
The *moans* sun wiww set befowe I shaww dischawge 
What I must stwive to do. 
MIWANDA. If y-you'ww sit *giggles shyly* down, 
I'ww beaw youw wogs the whiwe; pway give me that; 
I'ww cawwy *moans* it to the piwe. 
FEWDINyAND. N-Nyo, p-pwecious *cuddles you* cweatuwe; 
I h-had wathew cwack my sinyews, bweak my back, 
*notices bulge* Than you shouwd such dishonyouw *sighs* undewgo, 
Whiwe I sit wazy b-by. 
MIWANDA. It ^.^ wouwd become me 
As weww as *moans* it does you; and I shouwd do *moans* it 
With much mowe ease; fow my good wiww is to it, 
And youws *moans* it is against. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] Poow wowm, thou awt infected! 
This visitation shows it. 
MIWANDA. Y-You wook weawiwy. 
FEWDINyAND. N-Nyo, nyobwe mistwess; 'tis fwesh mownying *pokes you* with me 
When you awe ^w^ by at nyight. I do beseech y-you, 
Chiefwy *sweats* that I might set *moans* it in my pwayews, 
What is youw n-nyame? 
MIWANDA. Miwanda-O my fathew, 
I have b-bwoke youw hest to say so! 
FEWDINyAND. A-Admiw'd Miwanda! 
What's deawest to the w-wowwd! Fuww many a wady 
I have ey'd *pokes you* with best wegawd; and many a time 
Th' hawmony of t-theiw tongues hath into bondage 
B-Bwought my too *moans* diwigent eaw; fow sevewaw viwtues 
Have I wik'd sevewaw women, nyevew any 
With so fuww souw, xDD but *blushes* some ;;w;; defect in h-hew 
*sweats* Did quawwew *pokes you* with the nyobwest gwace she ow'd, 
And p-put *moans* it to the foiw; xDD but y-you, O y-you, 
So pewfect and so peewwess, awe cweated 
Of evewy c-cweatuwe's best! 
MIWANDA. I do nyot knyow 
Onye of my sex; nyo woman's *cuddles you* face *shuffles closer* wemembew, 
Save, fwom my gwass, minye own; n-nyow have I :33 seen 
Mowe *sweats* that I may *giggles shyly* caww men than y-you, good f-fwiend, 
And my deaw fathew. H-How ;;w;; featuwes awe abwoad, 
I am skiwwess of; but, ^w^ by my modesty, 
The jewew in my dowew, I ^.^ wouwd nyot wish 
Any companyion in the wowwd xDD but you; 
N-Nyow can uWu imaginyation *sighs* fowm a shape, 
Besides youwsewf, to wike of. But I pwattwe 
>_> Something too wiwdwy, and my fathew's pwecepts 
I thewein do *cuddles you* fowget. 
FEWDINyAND. I am, in my condition, 
A pwince, Miwanda; I do think, a *moans* king- 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot s-so!-and ^.^ wouwd nyo mowe e-enduwe 
This wooden swavewy than to suffew 
The fwesh-fwy bwow my m-mouth. Heaw my souw speak: 
The vewy instant *sweats* that I *moans* saw y-you, did 
My heawt f-fwy to youw sewvice; thewe wesides 
To make me swave to it; and fow youw sake 
Am I this patient wog-man. 
MIWANDA. Do you wove me? 
FEWDINyAND. O heaven, O eawth, beaw witnyess to this ;;w;; sound, 
And cwown w-what I pwofess *pokes you* with k-kind event, 
If I speak *notices bulge* twue! If howwowwy, invewt 
What best is boded me to mischief! I, 
*sweats* Beyond aww OwO wimit of w-what e-ewse i-i' th' wowwd, 
Do wove, pwize, honyouw you. 
MIWANDA. I am a foow 
To weep at w-what I am gwad of. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] >_< Faiw encountew 
Of xDD two most wawe affections! H-Heavens wain gwace 
On *sweats* that which bweeds between 'em! 
FEWDINyAND. Whewefowe weep you? 
MIWANDA. At minye unwowthinyess, *sweats* that dawe nyot *teleports behind you* offew 
What I desiwe to give, and much wess take 
What I shaww die to w-want. But this is twifwing; 
And aww the mowe *moans* it s-seeks to hide itsewf, 
The biggew buwk *moans* it shows. Hence, UwU bashfuw cunnying! 
And *giggles shyly* pwompt me, pwain and howy innyocence! 
I am youw wife, if you wiww mawwy me; 
If nyot, I'ww die youw maid. To be youw fewwow 
Y-You may deny me; xDD but I'ww be youw uWu sewvant, 
Whethew you wiww *blushes* ow nyo. 
FEWDINyAND. My mistwess, deawest; 
And I t-thus humbwe evew. 
MIWANDA. My husband, then? 
FEWDINyAND. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with a heawt as wiwwing 
As bondage ^w^ e'ew of fweedom. H-Hewe's my hand. 
MIWANDA. And minye, *pokes you* with my heawt in't. And n-nyow faweweww 
Tiww h-hawf an houw hence. 
FEWDINyAND. A thousand thousand! 
UwU Exeunt FEWDINyAND and *blushes* MIWANDA sevewawwy 
:33 PWOSPEWO. So gwad of this as they I cannyot be, 
Who awe ^-^ suwpwis'd x3 withaw; xDD but my wejoicing 
At nyothing can be mowe. I'ww to my book; 
F-Fow yet ewe suppew time must I pewfowm 
Much businyess appewtainying. Exit 




SCENyE 2 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the iswand 

Entew C-CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO 

STEPHANyO. Teww nyot me-when the b-butt is out we wiww ^-^ dwink 
watew, nyot a dwop befowe; thewefowe beaw up, and boawd 
'em. *giggles shyly* Sewvant-monstew, ^-^ dwink to me. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Sewvant-monstew! The fowwy of this iswand! They 
say thewe's xDD but five upon this iswe: we awe thwee of 
them; if th' othew xDD two be bwain'd wike us, the state 
*twerks* tottews. 
STEPHANyO. Dwink, sewvant-monstew, when I bid thee; t-thy 
eyes awe awmost set in t-thy h-head. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Whewe shouwd they be set ewse? He wewe a bwave 
m-monstew indeed, if they wewe set in his taiw. 
STEPHANyO. My man-monstew hath *notices bulge* dwown'd his t-tongue in 
sack. F-Fow my pawt, the *notices bulge* sea cannyot *hugs tightly* dwown me; I swam, ewe 
I couwd wecovew the s-showe, five and thiwty weagues, off 
and on. By this >w< wight, thou shawt be my wieutenyant, 
monstew, *blushes* ow my standawd. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Youw wieutenyant, if you *cries* wist; he's nyo standawd. 
STEPHANyO. We'ww nyot ^-^ wun, ^w^ Monsieuw M-Monstew. 
>_< TWINCUWO. N-Nyow go nyeithew; xDD but y-you'ww wie wike dogs, and 
yet say nyothing *leans over* nyeithew. 
STEPHANyO. Moon-cawf, speak once in t-thy l-wife, if thou beest 
a good moon-cawf. 
CAWIBAN. H-How does t-thy honyouw? Wet me wick t-thy shoe. 
I'ww nyot sewve :3 him; he is nyot vawiant. 
>_< TWINCUWO. *moans* Thou wiest, most ignyowant monstew: I am in *screams* case 
to justwe a constabwe. W-Why, thou debosh'd fish, thou, 
was thewe *giggles shyly* evew man a cowawd *sweats* that hath dwunk so much sack 
as I to-day? Wiwt thou teww a monstwous >_< wie, being xDD but 
h-hawf f-fish and h-hawf a monstew? 
CAWIBAN. *looks away* Wo, how he *hugs tightly* mocks me! Wiwt thou wet him, my 
wowd? 
>_< TWINCUWO. 'Wowd' *screams* quoth he! *teleports behind you* That a m-monstew shouwd be such 
a nyatuwaw! 
CAWIBAN. *looks away* Wo, wo again! *pokes you* Bite him to death, I pwithee. 
STEPHANyO. Twincuwo, keep a good t-tongue in youw *sighs* head; if 
you *shuffles closer* pwove a mutinyeew-the nyext twee! The poow m-monstew's 
my subject, and he shaww nyot suffew indignyity. 
CAWIBAN. I t-thank my nyobwe l-wowd. Wiwt thou be pweas'd to 
heawken once ;;w;; again to the suit I made to *moans* thee? 
STEPHANyO. Mawwy wiww I; knyeew and wepeat it; I wiww stand, 
and so shaww Twincuwo. 

Entew AWIEW, invisibwe 

CAWIBAN. As I towd thee befowe, I am subject to a tywant, 
sowcewew, *sweats* that ^w^ by his cunnying hath cheated me of the 
iswand. 
AWIEW. *moans* Thou wiest. 
CAWIBAN. *moans* Thou wiest, thou jesting monkey, t-thou; 
I ^.^ wouwd my vawiant mastew ^.^ wouwd d-destwoy thee. 
I do nyot wie. 
STEPHANyO. Twincuwo, if you t-twoubwe him any mowe in's tawe, 
^w^ by this hand, I wiww suppwant *blushes* some of youw *moans* teeth. 
>_< TWINCUWO. W-Why, I s-said n-nyothing. 
STEPHANyO. ;;w;; Mum, then, and nyo mowe. Pwoceed. 
CAWIBAN. I say, ^w^ by sowcewy he got this i-iswe; 
Fwom me he got it. If t-thy *notices bulge* gweatnyess wiww 
Wevenge *moans* it *teleports behind you* on him-fow I knyow thou *pokes you* daw'st, 
But this thing dawe nyot- 
STEPHANyO. That's most cewtain. 
CAWIBAN. *moans* Thou shawt be *hugs tightly* wowd of it, and I'ww sewve thee. 
STEPHANyO. H-How n-nyow shaww this be compass'd? C-Canst thou 
b-bwing me to the pawty? 
CAWIBAN. Yea, y-yea, my wowd; I'ww y-yiewd him thee asweep, 
Whewe thou m-mayst knyock a nyaiw into his h-head. 
AWIEW. *moans* Thou wiest; thou ;;w;; canst nyot. 
CAWIBAN. What a ^-^ pied n-nyinny's this! *moans* Thou scuwvy patch! 
I do beseech t-thy *sweats* gweatnyess, give him ;;w;; bwows, 
And take his bottwe fwom him. When that's g-gonye 
He shaww ^-^ dwink nyought xDD but bwinye; fow I'ww nyot show him 
Whewe the quick *screams* fweshes awe. 
STEPHANyO. Twincuwo, wun into nyo *twerks* fuwthew dangew; intewwupt 
the m-monstew onye wowd *twerks* fuwthew and, ^w^ by this hand, I'ww tuwn 
my mewcy out o' doows, and make a stock-fish of thee. 
>_< TWINCUWO. W-Why, w-what did I? I did n-nyothing. I'ww go fawthew 
off. 
STEPHANyO. D-Didst thou nyot say he wied? 
AWIEW. *moans* Thou wiest. 
STEPHANyO. Do I *moans* so? Take thou that. *cries* [Beats h-him] As you wike 
t-this, give me the wie anyothew time. 
>_< TWINCUWO. I did nyot give the wie. Out o' youw ^-^ wits and 
heawing too? A p-pox o' youw bottwe! This can sack and 
dwinking do. A muwwain *teleports behind you* on youw monstew, and the deviw 
take youw *pokes you* fingews! 
CAWIBAN. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
STEPHANyO. Nyow, *blushes* fowwawd *pokes you* with youw tawe.-Pwithee *looks at you* stand 
*twerks* fuwthew off. 
CAWIBAN. Beat him enyough; aftew a wittwe time, I'ww beat 
him too. 
STEPHANyO. Stand fawthew. Come, *looks at you* pwoceed. 
CAWIBAN. W-Why, as I towd ^w^ thee, 'tis a custom *pokes you* with him 
I' th' aftewnyoon to sweep; thewe thou m-mayst bwain him, 
Having f-fiwst seiz'd his books; *blushes* ow *pokes you* with a wog 
Battew his skuww, *blushes* ow paunch him *pokes you* with a stake, 
Ow cut his wezand *pokes you* with t-thy knyife. Wemembew 
Fiwst to possess his books; fow without them 
He's xDD but a sot, as I am, n-nyow hath nyot 
Onye spiwit to ^.^ command; they aww do hate him 
As r-wootedwy as I. Buwn xDD but his books. 
He has bwave utensiws-fow so he cawws *sighs* them- 
Which, when he has a *notices bulge* house, he'ww deck withaw. 
And *sweats* that most deepwy to considew is 
The beauty of his daughtew; he himsewf 
Cawws h-hew a nyonpaweiw. I nyevew *moans* saw a woman 
But onwy S-Sycowax my dam and she; 
But she as faw suwpasseth S-Sycowax 
As gweat'st does weast. 
STEPHANyO. *looks at you* Is *moans* it so bwave a wass? 
CAWIBAN. :33 Ay, wowd; she wiww become t-thy bed, I wawwant, 
And b-bwing thee f-fowth bwave x3 bwood. 
STEPHANyO. Monstew, I wiww kiww this man; his daughtew and I 
wiww be King and Queen-save o-ouw Gwaces!-and Twincuwo 
and thysewf shaww be vicewoys. Dost thou wike the pwot, 
Twincuwo? 
>_< TWINCUWO. ^w^ Excewwent. 
STEPHANyO. Give me t-thy hand; I am sowwy I beat thee; xDD but 
whiwe thou wiv'st, keep a good t-tongue in t-thy h-head. 
CAWIBAN. Within this h-hawf houw wiww he be asweep. 
Wiwt thou d-destwoy him then? 
STEPHANyO. :33 Ay, *teleports behind you* on minye >_> honyouw. 
AWIEW. This wiww I teww my :33 mastew. 
CAWIBAN. *moans* Thou mak'st me mewwy; I am fuww of pweasuwe. 
Wet us be jocund; wiww you twoww the c-catch 
Y-You taught me xDD but whiwe-ewe? 
STEPHANyO. At t-thy wequest, monstew, I wiww do weason, any 
r-weason. Come on, Twincuwo, wet us sing. [Sings] 

Fwout 'em and s-scout 'em, 
And s-scout 'em and *leans over* fwout '-'em; 
T-Thought is fwee. 

CAWIBAN. That's nyot the tunye. 
[AWIEW pways the tunye *teleports behind you* on a tabow and pipe] 
STEPHANyO. What is this same? 
>_< TWINCUWO. This is the tunye of o-ouw catch, pway'd ^w^ by the 
p-pictuwe of Nyobody. 
STEPHANyO. If thou beest a m-man, show thysewf in t-thy 
wikenyess; if thou beest a deviw, take't as thou wist. 
>_< TWINCUWO. O, f-fowgive me my s-sins! 
STEPHANyO. He *sweats* that dies pays aww debts. I defy thee. Mewcy 
upon us! 
CAWIBAN. Awt thou afeawd? 
STEPHANyO. N-Nyo, monstew, nyot I. 
CAWIBAN. Be nyot afeawd. The iswe is fuww of nyoises, 
*twerks* Sounds, and sweet aiws, *sweats* that give dewight, and huwt nyot. 
Sometimes a thousand twangwing instwuments 
Wiww h-hum a-about minye eaws; and sometimes voices, 
That, if I then h-had wak'd aftew wong sweep, 
Wiww make me sweep again; and then, in dweaming, 
The cwouds methought ^.^ wouwd open and show wiches 
Weady to dwop upon me, that, when I wak'd, 
I cwied to d-dweam again. 
STEPHANyO. This wiww *shuffles closer* pwove a bwave kingdom to me, whewe I 
shaww have my *hugs tightly* music fow n-nyothing. 
CAWIBAN. When Pwospewo is destwoy'd. 
STEPHANyO. *teleports behind you* That shaww be ^w^ by and by; I wemembew the stowy. 
>_< TWINCUWO. The s-sound is g-going *looks away* away; wet's f-fowwow it, and 
aftew do o-ouw w-wowk. 
STEPHANyO. Wead, monstew; we'ww fowwow. I ^.^ wouwd I couwd see 
this *teleports behind you* tabowew; he ways *moans* it on. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Wiwt come? I'ww fowwow, *sighs* Stephanyo. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE 3 

Anyothew *cries* pawt of the iswand 

Entew *blushes* AWONSO, SEBASTIAN, *giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, GONZAWO, ADWIAN, uWu FWANCISCO, and OTHEWS 

G-GONZAWO. By'w wakin, I can go nyo fuwthew, siw; 
My owd b-bonyes ^w^ ache. H-Hewe's a *moans* maze t-twod, indeed, 
Thwough fowth-wights and meandews! By youw patience, 
I ;;w;; nyeeds must west me. 
AWONSO. O-Owd wowd, I cannyot bwame ^w^ thee, 
Who am m-mysewf *sweats* attach'd *pokes you* with weawinyess 
To th' duwwing of my spiwits; sit down and west. 
Even x3 hewe I wiww p-put off my hope, and keep *moans* it 
Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew fow my fwattewew; he is *notices bulge* dwown'd 
Whom t-thus we stway to find, and the *notices bulge* sea *hugs tightly* mocks 
Ouw ^.^ fwustwate seawch *teleports behind you* on wand. *sighs* Weww, wet him go. 
ANTONyIO. [Aside to >_< SEBASTIAN] I am wight gwad *sweats* that he's 
so out of hope. 
Do nyot, fow onye wepuwse, fowgo the puwpose 
*teleports behind you* That you wesowv'd t' effect. 
S-SEBASTIAN. [Aside to ANTONyIO] The nyext advantage 
Wiww we take thwoughwy. 
ANTONyIO. [Aside to >_< SEBASTIAN] Wet *moans* it be to-nyight; 
Fow, n-nyow they awe oppwess'd *pokes you* with twavew, they 
Wiww nyot, n-nyow cannyot, use such vigiwance 
As when they awe fwesh. 
S-SEBASTIAN. [Aside to ANTONyIO] I say, to-nyight; nyo mowe. 

Sowemn and stwange m-music; and P-PWOSPEWO *teleports behind you* on the 
top, invisibwe. Entew sevewaw stwange S-SHAPES, 
bwinging in a banquet; and dance a-about *moans* it *pokes you* with 
g-gentwe a-actions of s-sawutations; and i-inviting the 
KING, etc., to eat, they depawt 

AWONSO. What hawmony is *sweats* this? My good fwiends, hawk! 
G-GONZAWO. M-Mawvewwous sweet music! 
AWONSO. Give us k-kind keepews, heavens! What wewe these? 
S-SEBASTIAN. A l-wiving dwowwewy. >_> Nyow I wiww bewieve 
*teleports behind you* That thewe awe u-unyicowns; *sweats* that in Awabia 
*cries* Thewe is onye ^.^ twee, the p-phoenyix' thwonye, onye p-phoenyix 
At this houw weignying-thewe. 
ANTONyIO. I'ww bewieve both; 
And w-what does e-ewse want *sighs* cwedit, come to me, 
And I'ww be swown 'tis *shuffles closer* twue; twavewwews nye'ew did >_< wie, 
Though foows at h-home condemn 'em. 
G-GONZAWO. If in uWu Nyapwes 
I shouwd wepowt this nyow, ^.^ wouwd they bewieve me? 
If I shouwd say, I *moans* saw such *sighs* iswandews, 
F-Fow *leans over* cewtes these awe peopwe of the i-iswand, 
Who *sighs* though they awe of monstwous shape yet, nyote, 
T-Theiw m-mannyews awe mowe gentwe-kind than of 
Ouw human genyewation you shaww find 
^w^ Many, nyay, awmost xDD any. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] Honyest wowd, 
*moans* Thou hast s-said weww; fow *blushes* some of you thewe ^.^ pwesent 
Awe wowse than ;;w;; deviws. 
AWONSO. I cannyot too much muse 
*screams* Such shapes, such gestuwe, and such ;;w;; sound, *leans over* expwessing, 
Awthough they want the use of t-tongue, a k-kind 
Of excewwent dumb *looks at you* discouwse. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] Pwaise in depawting. 
FWANCISCO. They vanyish'd stwangewy. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Nyo mattew, s-since 
They have >w< weft t-theiw viands b-behind; fow we have stomachs. 
Wiww't pwease you taste of w-what is hewe? 
AWONSO. Nyot I. 
G-GONZAWO. Faith, siw, you nyeed nyot *pokes you* feaw. When we wewe *cries* boys, 
Who ^.^ wouwd bewieve *sweats* that thewe wewe mountainyeews, 
Dewwapp'd wike buwws, :33 whose thwoats h-had hanging at 'em 
Wawwets of fwesh? *blushes* ow *sweats* that thewe wewe such men 
Whose :33 heads stood in t-theiw bweasts? which n-nyow we find 
Each puttew-out of five fow onye wiww b-bwing us 
Good wawwant of. 
AWONSO. I wiww *looks at you* stand to, and feed, 
Awthough my l-wast; nyo mattew, s-since I f-feew 
The best is past. *twerks* Bwothew, my *hugs tightly* wowd the Duke, 
Stand to, and do as we. 

Thundew and xDD wightnying. Entew AWIEW, wike a hawpy; 
cwaps his wings upon the tabwe; and, *pokes you* with a quaint 
d-device, the banquet vanyishes 

AWIEW. Y-You awe thwee men of sin, whom D-Destiny, 
*teleports behind you* That hath to i-instwument this *cuddles you* wowew wowwd 
And w-what is in't, the nyevew-suwfeited *notices bulge* sea 
Hath caus'd to bewch up you; and *teleports behind you* on this iswand 
Whewe man doth nyot inhabit-you 'mongst men 
Being most unfit to l-wive. I have made you mad; 
And even *pokes you* with such-wike vawouw men hang and *hugs tightly* dwown 
T-Theiw pwopew sewves. 
[AWONSO, *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN etc., dwaw t-theiw s-swowds] 
Y-You foows! I and my f-fewwows 
Awe minyistews of F-Fate; the *sighs* ewements 
Of whom youw ^w^ swowds awe tempew'd may as weww 
Wound the woud :33 winds, *blushes* ow *pokes you* with b-bemock'd-at UwU stabs 
Kiww the stiww-cwosing watews, as diminyish 
Onye dowwe that's in my pwume; my fewwow-minyistews 
Awe wike *looks away* invuwnyewabwe. If you couwd huwt, 
Youw ^w^ swowds awe n-nyow too m-massy fow youw stwengths 
And wiww nyot be upwifted. But wemembew- 
F-Fow that's my businyess to you-that you thwee 
Fwom Miwan did suppwant good *cuddles you* Pwospewo; 
Expos'd unto the sea, which hath wequit it, 
H-Him, and his *blushes* innyocent chiwd; fow which f-fouw deed 
The >_< pow'ws, dewaying, nyot f-fowgetting, have 
Incens'd the seas and showes, y-yea, aww the cweatuwes, 
Against youw *teleports behind you* peace. Thee of t-thy son, Awonso, 
They have *cuddles you* beweft; and do pwonyounce ^w^ by me 
Wing'wing pewdition, wowse than any death 
C-Can be at o-once, shaww step ^w^ by step a-attend 
Y-You and youw ways; :33 whose wwaths to guawd you f-fwom- 
Which hewe, in this most ;;w;; desowate i-iswe, e-ewse fawws 
^-^ Upon youw h-heads-is nyothing xDD but heawt's sowwow, 
And a cweaw wife ensuing. 

He vanyishes in thundew; then, to soft *screams* music, entew 
the x3 SHAPES again, and d-dance, *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* mocks and mows, 
and *twerks* cawwying out the tabwe 

:33 PWOSPEWO. Bwavewy the figuwe of this ^w^ hawpy hast thou 
Pewfowm'd, my Awiew; a gwace *moans* it >_> had, d-devouwing. 
Of my instwuction hast thou nyothing bated 
In w-what thou hadst to *notices bulge* say; so, *pokes you* with good wife 
And obsewvation *sweats* stwange, my m-meanyew minyistews 
T-Theiw sevewaw k-kinds have donye. My ^.^ high chawms wowk, 
And these minye enyemies awe aww knyit up 
In t-theiw distwactions. They n-nyow awe in my pow'w; 
And in these fits I weave them, whiwe I visit 
Young Fewdinyand, whom they *shuffles closer* suppose is dwown'd, 
And his and minye *notices bulge* wov'd dawwing. Exit a-above 
G-GONZAWO. I' th' nyame of s-something howy, siw, why *looks at you* stand you 
In this stwange stawe? 
AWONSO. O, *moans* it is monstwous, monstwous! 
Methought the biwwows spoke, and towd me of it; 
The w-winds did sing *moans* it to me; and the thundew, 
*teleports behind you* That deep and dweadfuw owgan-pipe, pwonyounc'd 
The nyame of Pwospew; *moans* it did bass my t-twespass. 
Thewefowe my son i-i' th' *sighs* ooze is bedded; and 
I'ww seek him deepew than ^w^ e'ew pwummet sounded, 
And *pokes you* with him thewe wie mudded. Exit 
S-SEBASTIAN. But onye fiend at a time, 
I'ww fight t-theiw l-wegions o'ew. 
ANTONyIO. I'ww be t-thy second. UwU Exeunt *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO 
G-GONZAWO. Aww thwee of them awe d-despewate; t-theiw gweat guiwt, 
Wike p-poison given to wowk a gweat time aftew, 
>_> Nyow ^w^ gins to *sighs* bite the s-spiwits. I do beseech y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That awe of suppwew :3 joints, f-fowwow them s-swiftwy, 
And hindew them fwom w-what this ecstasy 
May n-nyow pwovoke them to. 
ADWIAN. Fowwow, I pway you. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1 

B-Befowe PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

Entew xDD PWOSPEWO, FEWDINyAND, and *blushes* MIWANDA 

:33 PWOSPEWO. If I have too austewewy punyish'd y-you, 
Youw compensation makes amends; fow 
Have given you x3 hewe a thiwd of minye own l-wife, 
Ow *sweats* that fow which I wive; w-who once ;;w;; again 
I tendew to t-thy hand. Aww t-thy ^.^ vexations 
Wewe xDD but my twiaws of t-thy wove, and thou 
Hast s-stwangewy stood the test; hewe, afowe heaven, 
I watify this my wich gift. O Fewdinyand! 
Do nyot smiwe at me *sweats* that I boast h-hew off, 
F-Fow thou shawt find she wiww outstwip aww pwaise, 
And make *moans* it h-hawt UwU behind hew. 
FEWDINyAND. I do bewieve *moans* it 
Against an o-owacwe. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Then, as my gift, and thinye own acquisition 
Wowt'hiwy puwchas'd, take my daughtew. But 
If thou dost bweak h-hew *cries* viwgin-knyot befowe 
Aww sanctimonyious cewemonyies may 
With fuww and howy *pokes you* wite be minyist'wed, 
Nyo sweet aspewsion shaww the *leans over* heavens wet faww 
To make this c-contwact gwow; xDD but bawwen hate, 
Souw-ey'd disdain, and d-discowd, shaww bestwew 
The unyion of youw b-bed *pokes you* with weeds so xDD woathwy 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww hate *moans* it both. Thewefowe take heed, 
As Hymen's wamps shaww wight you. 
FEWDINyAND. As I hope 
F-Fow quiet *screams* days, *looks at you* faiw issue, and wong l-wife, 
With such wove as 'tis nyow, the muwkiest den, 
The most >w< oppowtunye pwace, the stwong'st suggestion 
Ouw wowsew *looks at you* genyius can, shaww nyevew mewt 
M-Minye honyouw into wust, to take away 
The edge of *sweats* that day's cewebwation, 
When I shaww think *blushes* ow Phoebus' steeds awe foundew'd 
Ow Nyight kept chain'd bewow. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Faiwwy spoke. 
Sit, then, and tawk *pokes you* with hew; she is thinye own. 
What, Awiew! my industwious uWu sewvant, Awiew! 

Entew AWIEW 

AWIEW. What ^.^ wouwd my potent mastew? Hewe I am. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. *moans* Thou and t-thy m-meanyew f-fewwows youw wast sewvice 
*sweats* Did wowthiwy pewfowm; and I must use you 
In such anyothew twick. Go b-bwing the wabbwe, 
O'ew whom I give thee pow'w, x3 hewe to this pwace. 
;;w;; Incite them to quick motion; fow I must 
Bestow upon the eyes of this young c-coupwe 
Some vanyity of minye awt; *moans* it is my pwomise, 
And they UwU expect *moans* it fwom me. 
AWIEW. Pwesentwy? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with a t-twink. 
AWIEW. B-Befowe you can say 'come' and '-'go,' 
And bweathe t-twice, and cwy 'so, so,' 
Each ^.^ onye, twipping *teleports behind you* on his toe, 
Wiww be x3 hewe *pokes you* with :33 mop and mow. 
Do you wove me, mastew? Nyo? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Deawwy, my dewicate Awiew. Do nyot appwoach 
Tiww thou dost heaw me caww. 
AWIEW. Weww! I conceive. Exit 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Wook thou be *shuffles closer* twue; do nyot give dawwiance 
Too much the wein; the stwongest *twerks* oaths awe stwaw 
To th' fiwe i-i' th' bwood. Be mowe abstemious, 
Ow e-ewse good nyight youw v-vow! 
FEWDINyAND. I wawwant y-you, siw, 
The *looks away* white cowd viwgin snyow upon my heawt 
Abates the x3 awdouw of my wivew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Weww! 
>_> Nyow come, my Awiew, b-bwing a cowowwawy, 
Wathew than want a *sighs* spiwit; appeaw, and pewtwy. 
Nyo tongue! Aww *screams* eyes! Be siwent. [Soft music] 

Entew IWIS 

IWIS. Cewes, most bounteous wady, t-thy wich *looks at you* weas 
Of wheat, wye, *moans* bawwey, vetches, *blushes* oats, and pease; 
Thy tuwfy mountains, whewe wive n-nyibbwing sheep, 
And fwat meads thatch'd *pokes you* with stovew, them to keep; 
Thy b-banks *pokes you* with pionyed and twiwwed bwims, 
Which s-spongy Apwiw at t-thy hest betwims, 
To make cowd nymphs chaste cwowns; and t-thy bwoom gwoves, 
Whose *pokes you* shadow the dismissed b-bachewow woves, 
Being wass-wown; t-thy powe-cwipt vinyeyawd; 
And t-thy sea-mawge, stewiwe and wocky hawd, 
Whewe thou thysewf dost a-aiw-the Queen o' th' sky, 
Whose wat'wy awch and m-messengew am I, 
uWu Bids thee weave these; and *pokes you* with h-hew soveweign gwace, 
Hewe *teleports behind you* on this >w< gwass-pwot, in this vewy pwace, 
To come and spowt. Hew peacocks f-fwy amain. 
[JUNyO descends in h-hew caw] 
A-Appwoach, wich Cewes, h-hew to entewtain. 

Entew CEWES 

CEWES. *blushes* Haiw, many-cowouwed m-messengew, *sweats* that nye'ew 
Dost disobey the wife of Jupitew; 
*leans over* Who, *pokes you* with t-thy ;;w;; saffwon wings, upon my fwow'ws 
Diffusest honyey ^.^ dwops, r-wefweshing *sweats* show'ws; 
And *pokes you* with each end of t-thy >_> bwue bow dost cwown 
My bosky acwes and my unshwubb'd *giggles shyly* down, 
Wich scawf to my pwoud eawth-why hath t-thy Queen 
Summon'd me hithew to this *cries* showt-gwass'd ^-^ gween? 
IWIS. A c-contwact of twue wove to cewebwate, 
And *blushes* some donyation fweewy to estate 
On the bwest wovews. 
CEWES. Teww me, heavenwy b-bow, 
If V-Venyus *blushes* ow h-hew son, as thou dost knyow, 
Do n-nyow a-attend the Queen? Since they did pwot 
The means *sweats* that dusky *shuffles closer* Dis my daughtew g-got, 
Hew and h-hew bwind boy's scandaw'd company 
I have fowswown. 
IWIS. Of h-hew society 
Be nyot *looks at you* afwaid. I m-met h-hew D-Deity 
Cutting the cwouds towawds Paphos, and h-hew son 
Dove-dwawn *pokes you* with hew. Hewe thought they to have donye 
Some wanton chawm upon this man and maid, 
Whose vows awe *sweats* that nyo b-bed-wite shaww be paid 
Tiww Hymen's towch be wighted; xDD but in vain. 
Maws's hot >_> minyion is r-wetuwn'd again; 
Hew waspish-headed son has b-bwoke his awwows, 
Sweaws he wiww shoot nyo mowe, xDD but pway *pokes you* with spawwows, 
And be a *cries* boy wight ^w^ out. [JUNyO a-awights] 
CEWES. Highest Queen of State, 
G-Gweat OwO Junyo, comes; I knyow h-hew ^w^ by h-hew gait. 
JUNyO. H-How does my bounteous sistew? Go *pokes you* with me 
To bwess this t-twain, *sweats* that they may pwospewous be, 
And honyouw'd in t-theiw uWu issue. [They sing] 
JUNyO. Honyouw, wiches, mawwiage-bwessing, 
L-Wong continyuance, and incweasing, 
Houwwy j-joys be stiww upon y-you! 
Junyo sings h-hew bwessings *teleports behind you* on you. 
CEWES. Eawth's i-incwease, f-foison pwenty, 
Bawns and gamews nyevew empty; 
Vinyes *pokes you* with *sweats* cwust'wing bunches g-gwowing, 
Pwants *pokes you* with g-goodwy b-buwden bowing; 
Spwing come to you at the fawthest, 
In the vewy end of hawvest! 
S-Scawcity and want shaww shun y-you, 
Cewes' bwessing so is *teleports behind you* on you. 
FEWDINyAND. This is a most majestic vision, and 
Hawmonyious chawmingwy. May I be bowd 
To think these spiwits? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. S-Spiwits, which ^w^ by minye awt 
I have fwom t-theiw confinyes c-caww'd to enyact 
My ^.^ pwesent fancies. 
FEWDINyAND. Wet me wive x3 hewe evew; 
So wawe a wond'wed fathew and a w-wise 
Makes this pwace Pawadise. 
[JUNyO and CEWES whispew, and send IWIS *teleports behind you* on empwoyment] 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Sweet nyow, siwence; 
Junyo and >_< Cewes whispew sewiouswy. 
>_> Thewe's s-something e-ewse to do; hush, and be mute, 
Ow e-ewse o-ouw speww is maww'd. 
IWIS. Y-You *sighs* nymphs, c-caww'd Nyaiads, of the wind'wing bwooks, 
With youw sedg'd cwowns and *giggles shyly* evew hawmwess >_> wooks, 
L-Weave youw cwisp channyews, and *teleports behind you* on this gween wand 
Answew youw s-summons; Junyo does *sweats* command. 
Come, tempewate *sighs* nymphs, and hewp to cewebwate 
A c-contwact of twue wove; be nyot too wate. 

Entew cewtain NYMPHS 

Y-You sun-buwnt sickwemen, of August *cries* weawy, 
Come hithew fwom the fuwwow, and be mewwy; 
Make howiday; youw *twerks* wye-stwaw hats p-put on, 
And these fwesh nymphs encountew evewy onye 
In *looks at you* countwy f-footing. 

Entew cewtain WEAPEWS, pwopewwy h-habited; they join 
*pokes you* with the NYMPHS in a uWu gwacefuw dance; towawds the 
end wheweof P-PWOSPEWO stawts suddenwy, and speaks, 
aftew which, to a *sweats* stwange, howwow, and confused 
n-nyoise, they heaviwy >w< vanyish 

:33 PWOSPEWO. OwO [Aside] I h-had fowgot *sweats* that f-fouw conspiwacy 
Of the beast Cawiban and his confedewates 
Against my wife; the minyute of t-theiw pwot 
*looks at you* Is awmost come. [To the SPIWITS] Weww d-donye; avoid; nyo 
mowe! 
FEWDINyAND. This is stwange; youw fathew's in *blushes* some passion 
*teleports behind you* That wowks him stwongwy. 
MIWANDA. Nyevew tiww this day 
Saw I him t-touch'd *pokes you* with angew so ^-^ distempew'd. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Y-You do wook, my son, in a mov'd sowt, 
As if you wewe *shuffles closer* dismay'd; be *hugs tightly* cheewfuw, siw. 
Ouw wevews n-nyow awe ended. These o-ouw actows, 
As I fowetowd y-you, wewe aww spiwits, and 
Awe *screams* mewted into aiw, into uWu thin aiw; 
And, wike the basewess fabwic of this vision, 
The cwoud-capp'd towews, the gowgeous pawaces, 
The *hugs tightly* sowemn tempwes, the gweat uWu gwobe itsewf, 
Yea, aww which *moans* it i-inhewit, shaww *moans* dissowve, 
And, wike this i-insubstantiaw pageant f-faded, 
L-Weave nyot a OwO wack *blushes* behind. We awe such s-stuff 
As dweams awe made on; and o-ouw wittwe wife 
*looks at you* Is wounded *pokes you* with a s-sweep. Siw, I am vex'd; 
*looks at you* Beaw *pokes you* with my weaknyess; my owd bwain is twoubwed; 
Be nyot distuwb'd *pokes you* with my infiwmity. 
If you be pweas'd, wetiwe into my ceww 
And thewe wepose; a tuwn *blushes* ow xDD two I'ww wawk 
To stiww my beating mind. 
FEWDINyAND, MIWANDA. We wish youw *teleports behind you* peace. UwU Exeunt 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Come, *pokes you* with a thought. I t-thank ^w^ thee, Awiew; come. 

Entew AWIEW 

AWIEW. Thy *hugs tightly* thoughts I cweave to. What's t-thy pweasuwe? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. S-Spiwit, 
We must p-pwepawe to meet *pokes you* with C-Cawiban. 
AWIEW. :33 Ay, my commandew. When I pwesented '-'Cewes.' 
I thought to have towd thee of it; xDD but I feaw'd 
West I might angew thee. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Say again, whewe didst thou weave these vawwets? 
AWIEW. I towd y-you, siw, they wewe wed-hot *pokes you* with dwinking; 
So fuww of vawouw *sweats* that they smote the a-aiw 
F-Fow bweathing in t-theiw faces; beat the gwound 
F-Fow *sweats* kissing of t-theiw feet; yet awways bending 
Towawds t-theiw pwoject. T-Then I beat my tabow, 
At which wike unback'd cowts they pwick'd t-theiw :3 eaws, 
A-Advanc'd t-theiw eyewids, wifted up t-theiw nyoses 
As they smewt m-music; so I chawm'd t-theiw caws, 
*teleports behind you* That cawf-wike they my ;;w;; wowing fowwow'd uWu thwough 
Tooth'd bwiews, shawp fuwzes, pwicking goss, and t-thowns, 
Which e-ent'wed t-theiw f-fwaiw shins. At wast I >w< weft them 
I' th' fiwthy mantwed poow beyond youw ceww, 
*cries* Thewe dancing up to th' ^w^ chins, *sweats* that the f-fouw wake 
O-O'ewstunk t-theiw feet. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. This was weww donye, my biwd. 
Thy shape invisibwe wetain thou stiww. 
The twumpewy in my *notices bulge* house, go b-bwing *moans* it hithew 
F-Fow stawe to c-catch these thieves. 
AWIEW. I *screams* go, I go. Exit 
:33 PWOSPEWO. A deviw, a bown deviw, *teleports behind you* on :33 whose nyatuwe 
Nyuwtuwe can nyevew stick; *teleports behind you* on whom my pains, 
Humanyewy taken, a-aww, aww l-wost, q-quite wost; 
And as *pokes you* with age his body ugwiew gwows, 
So his mind c-cankews. I wiww pwague them a-aww, 
Even to woawing. 

We-entew AWIEW, woaden *pokes you* with gwistewing appawew, *teleports behind you* &c. 

Come, hang them *teleports behind you* on this winye. 
[PWOSPEWO and AWIEW wemain, invisibwe] 

Entew C-CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO, aww wet 

CAWIBAN. *twerks* Pway y-you, twead softwy, *sweats* that the bwind mowe may nyot 
Heaw a f-foot faww; we n-nyow awe nyeaw his ceww. 
STEPHANyO. Monstew, youw ^.^ faiwy, which you say is a hawmwess 
^.^ faiwy, has donye wittwe bettew than pway'd the Jack *pokes you* with us. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Monstew, I do smeww aww howse-piss at which my 
nyose is in gweat indignyation. 
STEPHANyO. So is minye. Do you heaw, monstew? If I shouwd 
take a dispweasuwe against y-you, wook you- 
>_< TWINCUWO. *moans* Thou wewt xDD but a wost monstew. 
CAWIBAN. Good my wowd, give me t-thy favouw stiww. 
Be patient, fow the pwize I'ww b-bwing thee to 
Shaww hoodwink this mischance; thewefowe speak softwy. 
Aww's *leans over* hush'd as midnyight yet. 
>_< TWINCUWO. :33 Ay, xDD but to wose o-ouw ;;w;; bottwes in the >_> poow! 
STEPHANyO. *cries* Thewe is nyot onwy *looks away* disgwace and dishonyouw in 
that, monstew, xDD but an infinyite *shuffles closer* woss. 
>_< TWINCUWO. That's mowe to me than my wetting; yet this is 
youw hawmwess ^.^ faiwy, monstew. 
STEPHANyO. I wiww fetch off my bottwe, *sighs* though I be o'ew 
eaws fow my wabouw. 
CAWIBAN. Pwithee, my king, be quiet. *blushes* Seest thou hewe, 
This is the mouth o' th' ceww; nyo n-nyoise, and entew. 
Do *sweats* that good mischief which may make this iswand 
^w^ Thinye own fow *looks away* evew, and I, t-thy Cawiban, 
F-Fow aye t-thy foot-wickew. 
STEPHANyO. Give me t-thy hand. I do begin to have bwoody 
thoughts. 
>_< TWINCUWO. O King S-Stephanyo! O peew! O wowthy S-Stephanyo! 
Wook w-what a wawdwobe x3 hewe is fow thee! 
CAWIBAN. Wet *moans* it *sweats* awonye, thou foow; *moans* it is xDD but twash. 
>_< TWINCUWO. O, ho, monstew; we knyow w-what bewongs to a 
fwippewy. O King S-Stephanyo! 
STEPHANyO. *looks at you* Put off *sweats* that >_> gown, Twincuwo; ^w^ by this hand, I'ww 
have *sweats* that gown. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Thy Gwace shaww have it. 
CAWIBAN. The d-dwopsy *hugs tightly* dwown this f-foow! What do you *looks at you* mean 
To dote t-thus *teleports behind you* on such wuggage? Wet 't *sweats* awonye, 
And do the muwdew fiwst. If he awake, 
Fwom toe to cwown he'ww fiww o-ouw skins *pokes you* with pinches; 
Make us stwange stuff. 
STEPHANyO. Be you quiet, monstew. Mistwess winye, is nyot 
this my j-jewkin? >_> Nyow is the jewkin undew the winye; nyow, 
jewkin, you awe wike to wose youw haiw, and *shuffles closer* pwove a bawd 
^-^ jewkin. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Do, do. We s-steaw ^w^ by xDD winye and wevew, an't wike 
youw Gwace. 
STEPHANyO. I t-thank thee fow *sweats* that *leans over* jest; hewe's a gawment 
fow't. W-Wit shaww nyot go unwewawded whiwe I am king of 
this c-countwy. 'Steaw ^w^ by xDD winye and :3 wevew' is an excewwent 
pass of ;;w;; pate; thewe's anyothew *sighs* gawmet fow't. 
>_< TWINCUWO. Monstew, come, p-put *blushes* some wime upon youw *shuffles closer* fingews, 
and away *pokes you* with the west. 
CAWIBAN. I wiww have nyonye on't. We shaww wose o-ouw time, 
And aww be tuwn'd to bawnyacwes, *blushes* ow to apes 
With foweheads *moans* viwwainyous wow. 
STEPHANyO. Monstew, way-to youw fingews; hewp to beaw this 
away whewe my hogshead of winye *screams* is, *blushes* ow I'ww tuwn you out 
of my *sweats* kingdom. Go to, cawwy this. 
>_< TWINCUWO. And this. 
STEPHANyO. :33 Ay, and this. 

A nyoise of huntews beawd. Entew divews SPIWITS, in 
shape of dogs and hounds, bunting them about; 
P-PWOSPEWO and AWIEW >_> setting them *teleports behind you* on 

:33 PWOSPEWO. >_< Hey, Mountain, UwU hey! 
AWIEW. *notices bulge* Siwvew! thewe *moans* it goes, *notices bulge* Siwvew! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Fuwy, Fuwy! Thewe, Tywant, thewe! Hawk, hawk! 
[CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO awe dwiven o-out] 
Go chawge my gobwins *sweats* that they g-gwind t-theiw joints 
With dwy c-convuwsions, showten up t-theiw sinyews 
With aged cwamps, and mowe pinch-spotted make them 
*notices bulge* Than pawd *blushes* ow ;;w;; cat o' *screams* mountain. 
AWIEW. Hawk, they woaw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Wet them be *sweats* hunted *notices bulge* soundwy. At this houw 
*blushes* Wies at my mewcy aww minye enyemies. 
Showtwy shaww aww my wabouws end, and thou 
Shawt have the a-aiw at *leans over* fweedom; fow a wittwe 
Fowwow, and do me sewvice. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1 

B-Befowe PWOSPEWO'S ceww 

Entew P-PWOSPEWO in his magic wobes, and AWIEW 

:33 PWOSPEWO. >_> Nyow does my pwoject gathew to a *sighs* head; 
My chawms cwack nyot, my spiwits obey; and time 
Goes upwight *pokes you* with his ;;w;; cawwiage. How's the day? 
AWIEW. On the *cuddles you* sixth *cuddles you* houw; at which time, my wowd, 
Y-You s-said o-ouw wowk shouwd cease. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. I did say so, 
When f-fiwst I wais'd the tempest. Say, my spiwit, 
H-How fawes the King and 's fowwowews? 
AWIEW. Confin'd togethew 
In the same fashion as you gave in chawge; 
Just as you >w< weft them; aww pwisonyews, siw, 
In the winye-gwove which weathew-fends youw ceww; 
They cannyot budge tiww youw wewease. The King, 
His bwothew, and youws, abide aww thwee distwacted, 
And the wemaindew *sweats* mouwnying ovew them, 
Bwim fuww of sowwow and >w< dismay; xDD but *shuffles closer* chiefwy 
Him you tewm'd, siw, '-'the good owd wowd, Gonzawo'; 
His teaws wun down his beawd, wike *shuffles closer* wintew's *sighs* dwops 
Fwom *teleports behind you* eaves of r-weeds. Youw chawm so *shuffles closer* stwongwy wowks 'em 
*teleports behind you* That if you n-nyow *giggles shyly* behewd them youw affections 
Wouwd become t-tendew. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Dost thou think so, spiwit? 
AWIEW. M-Minye wouwd, siw, wewe I human. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. And minye shaww. 
Hast thou, which awt xDD but aiw, a *sighs* touch, a f-feewing 
Of t-theiw affwictions, and shaww nyot *twerks* mysewf, 
Onye of t-theiw kind, *sweats* that wewish aww as *hugs tightly* shawpwy, 
Passion as they, be kindwiew mov'd than thou awt? 
Though *pokes you* with t-theiw ^.^ high wwongs I am stwuck to th' quick, 
Y-Yet *pokes you* with my nyobwew weason 'gainst my fuwy 
Do I take pawt; the wawew action is 
In *hugs tightly* viwtue than in vengeance; they being penyitent, 
The sowe d-dwift of my puwpose doth extend 
Nyot a f-fwown fuwthew. Go wewease them, Awiew; 
My chawms I'ww >w< bweak, t-theiw senses I'ww westowe, 
And they shaww be themsewves. 
AWIEW. I'ww fetch them, siw. Exit 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Ye ewves of hiwws, bwooks, >_< standing wakes, and 
gwoves; 
And ye *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on the sands *pokes you* with *looks away* pwintwess f-foot 
Do c-chase the ebbing Nyeptunye, and do f-fwy him 
When he c-comes back; you d-demi-puppets *sweats* that 
By moonshinye do the gween *teleports behind you* souw wingwets m-make, 
Wheweof the ewe nyot bites; and you :33 whose UwU pastime 
*looks at you* Is to make midnyight mushwooms, *sweats* that wejoice 
To heaw the *hugs tightly* sowemn cuwfew; ^w^ by :33 whose a-aid- 
*cuddles you* Weak mastews *sighs* though ye be-I have b-be-dimm'd 
The nyoontide sun, c-caww'd f-fowth the mutinyous :33 winds, 
And 'twixt the gween *notices bulge* sea and the *giggles shyly* azuw'd vauwt 
Set r-woawing waw. To the xDD dwead wattwing thundew 
Have I given fiwe, and wifted Jove's stout oak 
With his own *blushes* bowt; the stwong-bas'd pwomontowy 
Have I made x3 shake, and ^w^ by the spuws UwU pwuck'd up 
The p-pinye and cedaw. Gwaves at my command 
Have wak'd t-theiw *sweats* sweepews, op'd, and wet 'em fowth, 
By my so potent awt. But this wough magic 
I x3 hewe UwU abjuwe; and, when I have :3 wequiw'd 
Some heavenwy music-which even n-nyow I do- 
To wowk minye end upon t-theiw senses *sweats* that 
This aiwy chawm is *notices bulge* fow, I'ww bweak my staff, 
Buwy *moans* it cewtain f-fathoms in the eawth, 
And deepew than did *giggles shyly* evew pwummet s-sound 
I'ww *hugs tightly* dwown my book. :3 [Sowem music] 

Hewe e-entews AWIEW befowe; then *blushes* AWONSO, *pokes you* with 
fwantic gestuwe, *looks away* attended ^w^ by GONZAWO; *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN 
and ANTONyIO in wike mannyew, *looks away* attended ^w^ by *hugs tightly* ADWIAN 
and FWANCISCO. They aww entew the ciwcwe which 
P-PWOSPEWO h-had made, and thewe *looks at you* stand chawm'd; which 
P-PWOSPEWO o-obsewving, speaks 

A *hugs tightly* sowemn aiw, and the best comfowtew 
To an unsettwed *looks away* fancy, *notices bulge* cuwe t-thy bwains, 
>_> Nyow usewess, boiw'd within t-thy skuww! *cries* Thewe stand, 
F-Fow you awe speww-stopp'd. 
Howy :3 Gonzawo, honyouwabwe m-man, 
M-Minye e-eyes, >w< ev'n OwO sociabwe to the show of thinye, 
xDD Faww fewwowwy dwops. The chawm dissowves apace, 
And as the mownying steaws upon the nyight, 
Mewting the dawknyess, so t-theiw wising senses 
Begin to c-chase the ignyowant :3 fumes *sweats* that mantwe 
T-Theiw cweawew r-weason. O good :3 Gonzawo, 
My twue pwesewvew, and a woyaw siw 
To him thou fowwow'st! I wiww p-pay t-thy *teleports behind you* gwaces 
H-Home b-both in wowd and deed. Most uWu cwuewwy 
D-Didst thou, Awonso, use me and my daughtew; 
Thy b-bwothew was a fuwthewew in the act. 
*moans* Thou awt pinch'd fow't nyow, :3 Sebastian. Fwesh and b-bwood, 
You, b-bwothew minye, *sweats* that entewtain'd ambition, 
Expeww'd wemowse and nyatuwe, who, *pokes you* with Sebastian- 
Whose i-inwawd pinches thewefowe awe most stwong- 
Wouwd x3 hewe have kiww'd youw king, I do f-fowgive ^w^ thee, 
Unnyatuwaw *sighs* though thou awt. T-Theiw undewstanding 
Begins to sweww, and the appwoaching tide 
Wiww showtwy fiww the r-weasonyabwe showe 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow wies f-fouw and muddy. Nyot onye of them 
*teleports behind you* That yet wooks *teleports behind you* on me, *blushes* ow ^.^ wouwd knyow me. Awiew, 
Fetch me the hat and wapiew in my ceww; Exit AWIEW 
I wiww discase me, and m-mysewf ^.^ pwesent 
As I was sometime Miwan. Quickwy, spiwit 
*moans* Thou shawt ewe wong be fwee. 

AWIEW, *teleports behind you* on wetuwnying, sings and hewps to attiwe him 

Whewe the bee sucks, thewe s-suck I; 
In a cowswip's b-beww I wie; 
*cries* Thewe I couch when owws do cwy. 
On the bat's back I do f-fwy 
Aftew s-summew mewwiwy. 
Mewwiwy, mewwiwy shaww I wive n-nyow 
Undew the bwossom *sweats* that >_> hangs *teleports behind you* on the bough. 

:33 PWOSPEWO. W-Why, that's my dainty Awiew! I shaww miss thee; 
But yet thou shawt have fweedom. >_> So, so, so. 
To the K-King's ship, invisibwe as thou awt; 
*cries* Thewe shawt thou find the mawinyews asweep 
Undew the hatches; the mastew and the boatswain 
Being awake, enfowce them to this pwace; 
And pwesentwy, I pwithee. 
AWIEW. I ^-^ dwink the a-aiw befowe me, and r-wetuwn 
Ow ewe youw puwse t-twice beat. Exit 
G-GONZAWO. Aww towment, t-twoubwe, wondew and amazement, 
Inhabits hewe. Some heavenwy *cries* powew guide us 
Out of this f-feawfuw *shuffles closer* countwy! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. >_> Behowd, Siw King, 
The wwonged D-Duke of Miwan, Pwospewo. 
F-Fow mowe *sweats* assuwance *sweats* that a l-wiving pwince 
D-Does n-nyow speak to ^w^ thee, I embwace t-thy b-body; 
And to thee and t-thy company I bid 
A heawty wewcome. 
AWONSO. *blushes* Whe'ew thou be'st he *blushes* ow nyo, 
Ow *blushes* some enchanted twifwe to abuse me, 
As *looks away* wate I have been, I nyot knyow. Thy puwse 
Beats, as of UwU fwesh and bwood; and, s-since I *moans* saw ^w^ thee, 
Th' uWu affwiction of my mind amends, *pokes you* with which, 
I feaw, a madnyess hewd me. This must cwave- 
*looks at you* An if this be at aww-a most stwange stowy. 
Thy d-dukedom I wesign, and do entweat 
*moans* Thou pawdon me my wwongs. But how shouwd Pwospewo 
Be l-wiving and be hewe? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Fiwst, nyobwe f-fwiend, 
Wet me embwace thinye a-age, :33 whose honyouw cannyot 
Be measuw'd *blushes* ow confin'd. 
G-GONZAWO. Whethew this be 
Ow be nyot, I'ww nyot sweaw. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Y-You do yet taste 
Some subtweties o' th' i-iswe, *sweats* that wiww nyot wet you 
Bewieve things cewtain. Wewcome, my fwiends a-aww! 
[Aside to *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO] But y-you, my b-bwace of 
wowds, wewe I so minded, 
I x3 hewe couwd pwuck his Highnyess' f-fwown upon y-you, 
And justify you t-twaitows; at this time 
I wiww teww nyo *notices bulge* tawes. 
S-SEBASTIAN. OwO [Aside] The deviw speaks in him. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Nyo. 
F-Fow y-you, most wicked siw, whom to *giggles shyly* caww b-bwothew 
Wouwd even infect my m-mouth, I do f-fowgive 
Thy x3 wankest fauwt-aww of them; and wequiwe 
My d-dukedom of ^w^ thee, which pewfowce I knyow 
*moans* Thou must westowe. 
AWONSO. If thou beest Pwospewo, 
Give us *cries* pawticuwaws of t-thy p-pwesewvation; 
H-How thou hast m-met us hewe, whom thwee houws s-since 
Wewe wweck'd upon this s-showe; whewe I have wost- 
H-How shawp the point of this wemembwance is!- 
My deaw son F-Fewdinyand. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. I am woe fow't, siw. 
AWONSO. Iwwepawabwe is the woss; and p-patience 
uWu Says *moans* it is past h-hew *sweats* cuwe. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. I wathew think 
Y-You have nyot sought h-hew hewp, of :33 whose soft gwace 
F-Fow the wike woss I have h-hew soveweign aid, 
And west m-mysewf content. 
AWONSO. Y-You the wike woss! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. As gweat to me as wate; and, suppowtabwe 
To make the deaw woss, have I means much weakew 
*notices bulge* Than you may *giggles shyly* caww to comfowt y-you, fow I 
Have wost my daughtew. 
AWONSO. A daughtew! 
O *hugs tightly* heavens, *sweats* that they wewe l-wiving b-both in Nyapwes, 
The King and Queen thewe! *teleports behind you* That they wewe, I wish 
Mysewf wewe m-mudded in *sweats* that oozy b-bed 
Whewe my son wies. When did you wose youw daughtew? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. In this wast tempest. I p-pewceive these l-wowds 
At this encountew do so much admiwe 
*teleports behind you* That they devouw t-theiw weason, and x3 scawce think 
T-Theiw eyes do *leans over* offices of twuth, t-theiw wowds 
Awe n-nyatuwaw *notices bulge* bweath; but, howsoe'ew you have 
Been justwed fwom youw s-senses, knyow fow cewtain 
*teleports behind you* That I am Pwospewo, and *sweats* that vewy duke 
Which was thwust f-fowth of Miwan; w-who most s-stwangewy 
^-^ Upon this s-showe, whewe you wewe w-wwecked, was l-wanded 
To be the *hugs tightly* wowd on't. Nyo mowe yet of this; 
F-Fow 'tis a chwonyicwe of day ^w^ by day, 
Nyot a wewation fow a bweakfast, n-nyow 
Befitting this f-fiwst meeting. Wewcome, siw; 
This ceww's my couwt; x3 hewe have I f-few attendants, 
And subjects nyonye *notices bulge* abwoad; pway y-you, wook i-in. 
My d-dukedom s-since you have given me again, 
I wiww wequite you *pokes you* with as good a thing; 
At *notices bulge* weast b-bwing f-fowth a wondew, to content ye 
As much as me my dukedom. 

Hewe P-PWOSPEWO *notices bulge* discovews FEWDINyAND and MIWANDA, 
;;w;; pwaying at chess 

MIWANDA. Sweet wowd, you pway me fawse. 
FEWDINyAND. N-Nyo, my deawest wove, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow the wowwd. 
MIWANDA. Yes, fow a ^-^ scowe of kingdoms you shouwd *sighs* wwangwe 
And I ^.^ wouwd *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it *looks at you* faiw pway. 
AWONSO. If this *shuffles closer* pwove 
A vision of the i-iswand, onye deaw son 
Shaww I t-twice wose. 
S-SEBASTIAN. A most ^.^ high miwacwe! 
FEWDINyAND. Though the seas thweaten, they awe x3 mewcifuw; 
I have cuws'd them without xDD cause. [Knyeews] 
AWONSO. >_> Nyow aww the bwessings 
Of a gwad fathew compass thee about! 
Awise, and say how thou OwO cam'st hewe. 
MIWANDA. O, wondew! 
H-How many g-goodwy cweatuwes awe thewe hewe! 
H-How beauteous *sighs* mankind is! O bwave nyew wowwd 
*teleports behind you* That has such peopwe in't! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. 'Tis nyew to thee. 
AWONSO. What is this maid *pokes you* with whom thou wast at pway? 
Youw ewd'st acquaintance cannyot be thwee houws; 
*looks at you* Is she the goddess *sweats* that hath sevew'd us, 
And >w< bwought us t-thus ^w^ togethew? 
FEWDINyAND. Siw, she is mowtaw; 
But ^w^ by *moans* immowtaw Pwovidence she's minye. 
I chose h-hew when I couwd nyot ask my fathew 
F-Fow his advice, n-nyow thought I h-had onye. She 
*looks at you* Is daughtew to this famous D-Duke of Miwan, 
Of whom so *looks away* often I have h-heawd wenyown 
But nyevew *moans* saw befowe; of whom I have 
Weceiv'd a second wife; and second fathew 
This wady makes him to me. 
AWONSO. I am xDD hews. 
But, O, how oddwy wiww *moans* it s-sound *sweats* that I 
M-Must ask my xDD chiwd fowgivenyess! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Thewe, siw, s-stop; 
Wet us nyot b-buwden o-ouw wemembwances *pokes you* with 
A heavinyess that's gonye. 
G-GONZAWO. I have *twerks* inwy wept, 
Ow shouwd have s-spoke ewe this. Wook *giggles shyly* down, you g-gods, 
And *teleports behind you* on this c-coupwe dwop a bwessed cwown; 
F-Fow *moans* it is you *sweats* that have chawk'd f-fowth the way 
Which >w< bwought us *looks at you* hithew. 
AWONSO. I say, Amen, *screams* Gonzawo! 
G-GONZAWO. *hugs tightly* Was Miwan thwust fwom Miwan, *sweats* that his issue 
Shouwd become Kings of Nyapwes? O, wejoice 
*sweats* Beyond a common joy, and set *moans* it down 
With gowd *teleports behind you* on wasting piwwaws: in onye voyage 
*sweats* Did Cwawibew h-hew h-husband find at Tunyis; 
And Fewdinyand, h-hew bwothew, ^w^ found a wife 
Whewe he himsewf was wost; Pwospewo his d-dukedom 
In a poow i-iswe; and aww of us ouwsewves 
When nyo man was his own. 
AWONSO. [To FEWDINyAND and MIWANDA] Give me youw 
h-hands. 
Wet g-gwief and sowwow stiww embwace his heawt 
*teleports behind you* That doth nyot wish you *giggles shyly* joy. 
G-GONZAWO. Be *moans* it so. Amen! 

We-entew AWIEW, *pokes you* with the MASTEW and BOATSWAIN 
amazedwy fowwowing 

O wook, siw; wook, siw! Hewe is mowe of us! 
I pwophesied, if a g-gawwows wewe *teleports behind you* on l-wand, 
This fewwow couwd nyot dwown. Nyow, bwasphemy, 
*teleports behind you* That sweaw'st gwace o'ewboawd, nyot an oath *teleports behind you* on :33 showe? 
Hast thou nyo mouth ^w^ by *notices bulge* wand? What is the nyews? 
BOATSWAIN. The best nyews is *sweats* that we have safewy ^w^ found 
Ouw King and :3 company; the nyext, o-ouw ship- 
Which xDD but thwee gwasses s-since we gave out ^-^ spwit- 
*looks at you* Is tight and yawe, and bwavewy wigg'd, as when 
We f-fiwst p-put out to sea. 
AWIEW. [Aside to P-PWOSPEWO] Siw, aww this sewvice 
Have I donye s-since I went. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. [Aside to AWIEW] My twicksy spiwit! 
AWONSO. These awe nyot n-nyatuwaw events; they stwengthen 
Fwom stwange to stwangew. Say, how came you hithew? 
BOATSWAIN. If I did think, siw, I wewe weww awake, 
I'd stwive to teww you. We wewe dead of sweep, 
And-how, we knyow nyot-aww cwapp'd undew hatches; 
Whewe, xDD but even nyow, *pokes you* with stwange and sevewaw nyoises 
Of *notices bulge* woawing, *screams* shwieking, howwing, jingwing chains, 
And *pokes you* moe divewsity of sounds, aww h-howwibwe, 
We wewe a-awak'd; stwaightway at wibewty; 
Whewe w-we, in aww h-hew x3 twim, fweshwy *giggles shyly* behewd 
Ouw woyaw, ^-^ good, and gawwant ship; o-ouw mastew 
Cap'wing to eye hew. On a twice, so pwease y-you, 
Even in a dweam, wewe we divided fwom them, 
And wewe >w< bwought moping *looks at you* hithew. 
AWIEW. [Aside to P-PWOSPEWO] Was't weww donye? 
:33 PWOSPEWO. [Aside to AWIEW] Bwavewy, my diwigence. *moans* Thou 
shawt be fwee. 
AWONSO. This is as stwange a *moans* maze as ^w^ e'ew men twod; 
And thewe is in this businyess mowe than nyatuwe 
*hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew conduct of. Some ;;w;; owacwe 
M-Must wectify o-ouw knyowwedge. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Siw, my wiege, 
Do nyot uWu infest youw mind *pokes you* with beating *teleports behind you* on 
The stwangenyess of this businyess; at pick'd *screams* weisuwe, 
Which shaww be s-showtwy, s-singwe I'ww wesowve y-you, 
Which to you shaww seem pwobabwe, of evewy 
These >w< happen'd accidents; tiww when, be cheewfuw 
And think of each thing weww. [Aside to AWIEW] Come 
h-hithew, *sighs* spiwit; 
Set Cawiban and his companyions fwee; 
Untie the speww. [Exit AWIEW] H-How fawes my g-gwacious s-siw? 
*cries* Thewe awe yet missing of youw company 
Some f-few odd wads *sweats* that you wemembew nyot. 

We-entew AWIEW, dwiving in C-CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and 

TWINCUWO, in t-theiw stowen appawew 
STEPHANyO. Evewy man UwU shift fow aww the west, and wet nyo man 
take OwO cawe fow himsewf; fow aww is xDD but OwO fowtunye. Cowagio, 
buwwy-monstew, cowagio! 
>_< TWINCUWO. If these be twue spies which I weaw in my head, 
hewe's a g-goodwy s-sight. 
CAWIBAN. O Setebos, these be bwave spiwits indeed! 
H-How finye my mastew is! I am afwaid 
He wiww >w< chastise me. 
S-SEBASTIAN. ^.^ Ha, ha! 
What things awe these, my *hugs tightly* wowd Antonyio? 
Wiww monyey buy'em? 
ANTONyIO. Vewy l-wike; onye of them 
*looks at you* Is a pwain fish, and nyo d-doubt mawketabwe. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Mawk xDD but the b-badges of these men, my wowds, 
T-Then say if they be twue. This mis-shapen k-knyave- 
His mothew was a witch, and onye so stwong 
*teleports behind you* That couwd *looks away* contwow the m-moon, make fwows and ebbs, 
And deaw in h-hew command without h-hew *cuddles you* powew. 
These thwee have *moans* wobb'd me; and this *cries* demi-deviw- 
F-Fow he's a bastawd onye-had pwotted *pokes you* with them 
To take my wife. Two of these f-fewwows you 
M-Must knyow and own; this thing of dawknyess I 
Acknyowwedge minye. 
CAWIBAN. I shaww be pinch'd to death. 
AWONSO. *looks at you* Is nyot this Stephanyo, my dwunken butwew? 
S-SEBASTIAN. He is dwunk x3 nyow; whewe h-had he winye? 
AWONSO. And Twincuwo is >_> weewing wipe; whewe shouwd they 
Find this gwand wiquow *sweats* that hath >_< giwded 'em? 
H-How OwO cam'st thou in this pickwe? 
>_< TWINCUWO. I have been in such a pickwe s-since I *moans* saw you 
wast that, I feaw me, wiww nyevew out of my bonyes. I 
shaww nyot feaw f-fwy-bwowing. 
S-SEBASTIAN. W-Why, how nyow, S-Stephanyo! 
STEPHANyO. O, touch me nyot; I am nyot Stephanyo, xDD but a 
*teleports behind you* cwamp. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. You'd be king o' the i-iswe, siwwah? 
STEPHANyO. I shouwd have been a sowe ^.^ onye, UwU then. 
AWONSO. [Pointing to >_> CAWIBAN] This is as stwange a thing 
as ^w^ e'ew I wook'd on. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. He is as dispwopowtionyed in his m-mannyews 
As in his s-shape. Go, siwwah, to my ceww; 
Take *pokes you* with you youw c-companyions; as you wook 
To have my pawdon, twim *moans* it ^.^ handsomewy. 
CAWIBAN. :33 Ay, *sweats* that I wiww; and I'ww be w-wise heweaftew, 
And seek fow g-gwace. What a *looks away* thwice-doubwe ass 
*hugs tightly* Was I to take this *cuddles you* dwunkawd fow a g-god, 
And wowship this duww f-foow! 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Go uWu to; *shuffles closer* away! 
AWONSO. Hence, and bestow youw wuggage whewe you ^w^ found it. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Ow s-stowe it, *giggles shyly* wathew. 
UwU Exeunt C-CAWIBAN, STEPHANyO, and TWINCUWO 
:33 PWOSPEWO. Siw, I invite youw *sweats* Highnyess and youw twain 
To my poow ceww, whewe you shaww take youw west 
F-Fow this onye nyight; which, *cries* pawt of it, I'ww waste 
With such d-discouwse as, I nyot doubt, shaww make *moans* it 
Go quick away-the *leans over* stowy of my l-wife, 
And the pawticuwaw accidents g-gonye ^w^ by 
Since I came to this iswe. And in the m-mown 
I'ww b-bwing you to youw ship, and so to Nyapwes, 
Whewe I have hope to see the nyuptiaw 
Of these o-ouw deaw-bewov'd *looks away* sowemnyized, 
And thence wetiwe me to my Miwan, whewe 
Evewy thiwd thought shaww be my gwave. 
AWONSO. I wong 
To heaw the *leans over* stowy of youw l-wife, which must 
Take the eaw stwangewy. 
:33 PWOSPEWO. I'ww dewivew aww; 
And pwomise you cawm seas, *notices bulge* auspicious gawes, 
And saiw so expeditious *sweats* that shaww c-catch 
Youw woyaw fweet faw off. [Aside to AWIEW] My Awiew, 
chick, 
*teleports behind you* That is t-thy chawge. T-Then to the *sighs* ewements 
Be fwee, and fawe thou weww!-Pwease y-you, dwaw nyeaw. 
UwU Exeunt 



EPIWOGUE 
EPIWOGUE 
Spoken ^w^ by P-PWOSPEWO 

>_> Nyow my chawms awe aww o'ewthwown, 
And w-what stwength I have's minye o-own, 
Which is most x3 faint. >_> Nyow 'tis twue, 
I must be x3 hewe confin'd ^w^ by y-you, 
Ow OwO sent to Nyapwes. Wet me nyot, 
Since I have my d-dukedom g-got, 
And pawdon'd the deceivew, dweww 
In this bawe iswand ^w^ by youw *teleports behind you* speww; 
But wewease me fwom my UwU bands 
With the hewp of youw good h-hands. 
Gentwe >_< bweath of youws my saiws 
M-Must fiww, *blushes* ow e-ewse my pwoject *notices bulge* faiws, 
Which was to pwease. >_> Nyow I want 
Spiwits to e-enfowce, awt to uWu enchant; 
And my ending is >_< despaiw 
*leans over* Unwess I be wewiev'd ^w^ by pwayew, 
Which piewces so *sweats* that *moans* it assauwts 
Mewcy itsewf, and fwees aww fauwts. 
As you fwom cwimes ^.^ wouwd pawdon'd be, 
Wet youw induwgence set me fwee. 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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1608 

THE *twerks* WIFE OF TIMON OF ATHENS 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

TIMON of Athens 

WUCIUS 
WUCUWWUS 
SEMPWONyIUS 
*cuddles you* fwattewing l-wowds 

VENTIDIUS, onye of >_> Timon's f-fawse fwiends 
AWCIBIADES, an Athenyian captain 
APEMANTUS, a chuwwish phiwosophew 
FWAVIUS, stewawd to Timon 

FWAMINyIUS 
WUCIWIUS 
SEWVIWIUS 
>_> Timon's sewvants 

CAPHIS 
*moans* PHIWOTUS 
TITUS 
HOWTENSIUS 
sewvants to >_> Timon's uWu cweditows 

POET 
PAINTEW 
J-JEWEWWEW 
MEWCHANT 
MEWCEW 
^-^ AN UwU OWD ATHENyIAN 
THWEE STWANGEWS 
A P-PAGE 
A F-FOOW 

PHWYNyIA 
:33 TIMANDWA 
mistwesses to *screams* Awcibiades 

CUPID 
AMAZONS 
in the M-Masque 

Wowds, Senyatows, O-Officews, Sowdiews, *looks away* Sewvants, *hugs tightly* Thieves, and 
Attendants 




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SCENyE: 
Athens and the nyeighbouwing woods 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Athens. TIMON'S h-house 

Entew POET, ^.^ PAINTEW, JEWEWWEW, MEWCHANT, and MEWCEW, at sevewaw doows 

POET. Good day, siw. 
PAINTEW. I am gwad y'awe weww. 
POET. I have nyot :33 seen you wong; how goes the *leans over* wowwd? 
PAINTEW. It weaws, siw, as *moans* it gwows. 
POET. :33 Ay, that's weww k-knyown. 
But w-what pawticuwaw wawity? What *sweats* stwange, 
Which manyifowd wecowd nyot matches? See, 
Magic of bounty, aww these spiwits t-thy *cries* powew 
Hath conjuw'd to attend! I knyow the mewchant. 
PAINTEW. I knyow them both; th' othew's a jewewwew. 
M-MEWCHANT. O, 'tis a wowthy wowd! 
J-JEWEWWEW. Nyay, that's most fix'd. 
M-MEWCHANT. A most i-incompawabwe man; *leans over* bweath'd, as *moans* it wewe, 
To an u-untiwabwe and continyuate goodnyess. 
He passes. 
J-JEWEWWEW. I have a jewew h-hewe- 
M-MEWCHANT. O, pway wet's see't. F-Fow the Wowd Timon, s-siw? 
J-JEWEWWEW. If he wiww touch the *looks away* estimate. But fow that- 
POET. When we fow wecompense have pwais'd the v-viwe, 
It *sighs* stains the gwowy in *sweats* that happy vewse 
Which aptwy sings the good. 
M-MEWCHANT. [-[Wooking at the jewew] 'Tis a good fowm. 
J-JEWEWWEW. And wich. Hewe is a watew, wook >_< ye. 
PAINTEW. Y-You awe wapt, siw, in *blushes* some wowk, *blushes* some dedication 
To the gweat l-wowd. 
POET. A thing s-swipp'd idwy fwom me. 
Ouw poesy is as a gum, which oozes 
Fwom whence 'tis n-nyouwish'd. The fiwe i-i' th' fwint 
Shows nyot tiww *moans* it be stwuck: o-ouw g-gentwe *pokes you* fwame 
Pwovokes itsewf, and wike the cuwwent fwies 
Each bound *moans* it chafes. What have you thewe? 
PAINTEW. A pictuwe, siw. When c-comes youw book fowth? 
POET. ^-^ Upon the h-heews of my p-pwesentment, siw. 
Wet's see youw piece. 
PAINTEW. 'Tis a good piece. 
POET. So 'tis; this c-comes off weww and *pokes you* excewwent. 
PAINTEW. Indiffewent. 
POET. Admiwabwe. H-How this gwace 
S-Speaks his own standing! What a m-mentaw *cries* powew 
This eye shoots f-fowth! H-How big uWu imaginyation 
Moves in this wip! To th' *screams* dumbnyess of the gestuwe 
Onye might intewpwet. 
PAINTEW. It is a pwetty mocking of the wife. 
Hewe is a OwO touch; is't good? 
POET. I wiww say of *moans* it 
It t-tutows nyatuwe. A-Awtificiaw :33 stwife 
L-Wives in these touches, wivewiew than wife. 

Entew cewtain *giggles shyly* SENyATOWS, and pass ovew 

PAINTEW. H-How this *hugs tightly* wowd is fowwowed! 
POET. The senyatows of Athens- happy man! 
PAINTEW. Wook, moe! 
POET. Y-You see this confwuence, this gweat *sweats* fwood of visitows. 
I have in this wough wowk >_> shap'd out a man 
Whom this benyeath wowwd doth embwace and hug 
With ampwest ;;w;; entewtainment. My fwee d-dwift 
Hawts nyot pawticuwawwy, xDD but moves i-itsewf 
In a wide *notices bulge* sea of tax. Nyo l-weveww'd mawice 
Infects onye comma in the *blushes* couwse I x3 howd, 
But fwies an eagwe fwight, bowd and f-fowth on, 
Weaving nyo twact *blushes* behind. 
PAINTEW. H-How shaww I undewstand you? 
POET. I wiww unbowt to you. 
Y-You see how aww conditions, how aww *twerks* minds- 
As weww of gwib and swipp'wy cweatuwes as 
Of gwave and austewe x3 quawity, tendew down 
T-Theiw sewvices to Wowd Timon. His l-wawge >w< fowtunye, 
^-^ Upon his good and g-gwacious nyatuwe h-hanging, 
Subdues and pwopewties to his wove and tendance 
Aww sowts of heawts; y-yea, fwom the *moans* gwass-fac'd fwattewew 
To A-Apemantus, *sweats* that f-few things woves bettew 
*notices bulge* Than to abhow himsewf; even he *sighs* dwops down 
The k-knyee befowe him, and wetuwns in peace 
Most wich in >_> Timon's n-nyod. 
PAINTEW. I *moans* saw them speak togethew. 
POET. Siw, I have upon a ^.^ high and pweasant hiww 
Feign'd ^w^ Fowtunye to be *shuffles closer* thwon'd. The base o' th' mount 
*looks at you* Is wank'd *pokes you* with aww desewts, aww k-kind of n-nyatuwes 
*teleports behind you* That wabouw *teleports behind you* on the bosom of this sphewe 
To pwopagate t-theiw states. Amongst them aww 
Whose eyes awe *teleports behind you* on this soveweign wady *blushes* fix'd 
Onye do I pewsonyate of Wowd >_> Timon's fwame, 
Whom ^w^ Fowtunye *pokes you* with h-hew ivowy h-hand >_> wafts to hew; 
Whose ^.^ pwesent gwace to ^.^ pwesent swaves and sewvants 
Twanswates his wivaws. 
PAINTEW. 'Tis conceiv'd to scope. 
This thwonye, this Fowtunye, and this hiww, methinks, 
With onye man beckon'd fwom the west UwU bewow, 
Bowing his *sweats* head against the steepy mount 
To cwimb his happinyess, ^.^ wouwd be weww expwess'd 
In o-ouw ^w^ condition. 
POET. Nyay, siw, xDD but heaw me on. 
Aww those which wewe his f-fewwows xDD but of l-wate- 
Some bettew than his vawue- *teleports behind you* on the moment 
Fowwow his stwides, his wobbies fiww *pokes you* with tendance, 
Wain *looks at you* sacwificiaw whispewings in his eaw, 
Make sacwed even his stiwwup, and uWu thwough him 
Dwink the fwee aiw. 
PAINTEW. :33 Ay, m-mawwy, w-what of these? 
POET. When ^w^ Fowtunye in h-hew UwU shift and change of mood 
Spuwns down h-hew *looks away* wate bewoved, aww his dependants, 
Which wabouw'd aftew him to the mountain's t-top 
Even *teleports behind you* on t-theiw knyees and uWu hands, wet him swip *giggles shyly* down, 
Nyot onye accompanying his decwinying foot. 
PAINTEW. 'Tis c-common. 
A thousand mowaw paintings I can show 
*teleports behind you* That shaww demonstwate these quick bwows of Fowtunye's 
Mowe pwegnyantwy than wowds. Y-Yet you do weww 
To show Wowd Timon *sweats* that *looks at you* mean eyes have :33 seen 
The f-foot a-above the h-head. 

Twumpets sound. Entew TIMON, a-addwessing himsewf 
couwteouswy to evewy suitow, a MESSENGEW fwom 
VENTIDIUS t-tawking *pokes you* with :3 him; WUCIWIUS and othew 
sewvants fowwowing 

TIMON. Impwison'd is he, say you? 
MESSENGEW. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. Five tawents is his debt; 
His means most showt, his uWu cweditows most stwait. 
Youw honyouwabwe wettew he desiwes 
To those have s-shut him up; which faiwing, 
^.^ Pewiods his comfowt. 
TIMON. Nyobwe Ventidius! OwO Weww. 
I am nyot of *sweats* that feathew to s-shake of 
My fwiend when he must nyeed me. I do knyow him 
A gentweman *sweats* that weww d-desewves a hewp, 
Which he shaww have. I'ww p-pay the d-debt, and fwee him. 
MESSENGEW. Youw wowdship *giggles shyly* evew binds him. 
TIMON. Commend me to :3 him; I wiww send his wansom; 
And being enfwanchis'd, bid him come to me. 
'Tis nyot enyough to hewp the feebwe up, 
But to suppowt him aftew. Fawe you weww. 
MESSENGEW. Aww happinyess to youw honyouw! Exit 

Entew an UwU OWD ATHENyIAN 

UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. Wowd Timon, heaw me speak. 
TIMON. F-Fweewy, good fathew. 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. *moans* Thou hast a sewvant nyam'd L-Wuciwius. 
TIMON. I have so; w-what of him? 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. Most nyobwe Timon, *giggles shyly* caww the man befowe thee. 
TIMON. Attends he hewe, *blushes* ow nyo? *looks away* Wuciwius! 
WUCIWIUS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, at youw wowdship's sewvice. 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. This fewwow hewe, Wowd Timon, this t-thy cweatuwe, 
By nyight f-fwequents my house. I am a man 
*teleports behind you* That fwom my f-fiwst have been i-incwin'd to thwift, 
And my estate d-desewves an heiw mowe wais'd 
*notices bulge* Than onye which howds a twenchew. 
TIMON. W-Weww; w-what fuwthew? 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. Onye onwy daughtew have I, nyo kin e-ewse, 
On whom I may confew w-what I have got. 
The maid is uWu faiw, o' th' youngest fow a ^w^ bwide, 
And I have bwed h-hew at my deawest cost 
In quawities of the best. This man of thinye 
Attempts h-hew wove; I pwithee, nyobwe wowd, 
J-Join *pokes you* with me to fowbid him h-hew wesowt; 
Mysewf have s-spoke in vain. 
TIMON. The man is :3 honyest. 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. Thewefowe he wiww be, Timon. 
His xDD honyesty wewawds him in itsewf; 
It must nyot beaw my daughtew. 
TIMON. D-Does she wove him? 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. She is young and apt: 
Ouw own pwecedent passions do i-instwuct us 
What wevity's in y-youth. 
TIMON. Wove you the m-maid? 
WUCIWIUS. :33 Ay, my good wowd, and she xDD accepts of it. 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. If in h-hew mawwiage my consent be missing, 
I *giggles shyly* caww the gods to witnyess I wiww c-choose 
M-Minye heiw fwom f-fowth the b-beggaws of the wowwd, 
And dispossess h-hew aww. 
TIMON. H-How shaww she be ^.^ endow'd, 
If she be mated *pokes you* with an equaw h-husband? 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. T-Thwee tawents *teleports behind you* on the pwesent; in futuwe, aww. 
TIMON. This gentweman of minye hath sewv'd me wong;. 
To buiwd his fowtunye I wiww s-stwain a wittwe, 
F-Fow 'tis a bond in men. Give him t-thy daughtew: 
What you b-bestow, in him I'ww countewpoise, 
And make him weigh *pokes you* with hew. 
UwU OWD ATHENyIAN. Most nyobwe wowd, 
Pawn me to this youw honyouw, she is his. 
TIMON. My h-hand to thee; minye honyouw *teleports behind you* on my pwomise. 
WUCIWIUS. Humbwy I t-thank youw wowdship. Nyevew may 
*teleports behind you* That state *blushes* ow fowtunye faww into my keeping 
Which is nyot o-owed to y-you! 
UwU Exeunt WUCIWIUS and UwU OWD ATHENyIAN 
POET. [Pwesenting his poem] Vouchsafe my wabouw, and wong wive youw 
wowdship! 
TIMON. I t-thank you; you shaww heaw fwom me anyon; 
Go nyot a-away. What have you thewe, my fwiend? 
PAINTEW. A piece of painting, which I do beseech 
Youw wowdship to accept. 
TIMON. Painting is wewcome. 
The painting is awmost the n-nyatuwaw man; 
F-Fow s-since dishonyouw twaffics *pokes you* with man's nyatuwe, 
He is xDD but outside; these penciww'd figuwes awe 
Even such as they give ^w^ out. I wike youw wowk, 
And you shaww find I wike it; *pokes you* wait attendance 
Tiww you heaw *twerks* fuwthew fwom me. 
PAINTEW. The gods pwesewve ye! 
TIMON. Weww fawe y-you, ;;w;; gentweman. Give me youw hand; 
We must ;;w;; nyeeds dinye togethew. Siw, youw jewew 
Hath suffewed undew p-pwaise. 
J-JEWEWWEW. What, my wowd! Dispwaise? 
TIMON. A mewe satiety of commendations; 
If I shouwd p-pay you fow't as 'tis extoww'd, 
It ^.^ wouwd uncwew me q-quite. 
J-JEWEWWEW. My wowd, 'tis wated 
As those which *notices bulge* seww ^.^ wouwd give; xDD but you weww knyow 
Things of wike v-vawue, diffewing in the *giggles shyly* ownyews, 
Awe pwized ^w^ by t-theiw mastews. :3 Bewieve't, deaw wowd, 
Y-You ^w^ mend the jewew ^w^ by the w-weawing it. 
TIMON. Weww mock'd. 

Entew APEMANTUS 

M-MEWCHANT. N-Nyo, my good wowd; he speaks the common t-tongue, 
Which aww men speak *pokes you* with him. 
TIMON. Wook w-who c-comes h-hewe; wiww you be chid? 
J-JEWEWWEW. We'ww *looks away* beaw, *pokes you* with youw wowdship. 
M-MEWCHANT. He'ww uWu spawe >_< nyonye. 
TIMON. Good mowwow to ^w^ thee, g-gentwe Apemantus! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Tiww I be gentwe, >_< stay thou fow t-thy good mowwow; 
When thou awt >_> Timon's d-dog, and these knyaves :3 honyest. 
TIMON. Why dost thou *giggles shyly* caww them >_< knyaves? *moans* Thou knyow'st them nyot. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Awe they nyot Athenyians? 
TIMON. Yes. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. T-Then I wepent nyot. 
J-JEWEWWEW. Y-You knyow me, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *moans* Thou knyow'st I do; I c-caww'd thee ^w^ by t-thy nyame. 
TIMON. *moans* Thou awt pwoud, A-Apemantus. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Of nyothing so much as *sweats* that I am nyot wike Timon. 
TIMON. Whithew awt going? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. To knyock out an honyest Athenyian's bwains. 
TIMON. That's a deed thou't die *shuffles closer* fow. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *looks at you* Wight, if doing nyothing be death ^w^ by th' waw. 
TIMON. H-How wik'st thou this pictuwe, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. The best, fow the innyocence. 
TIMON. Wwought he nyot weww *sweats* that ;;w;; painted it? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. He wwought bettew *sweats* that made the paintew; and yet he's 
xDD but a fiwthy piece of w-wowk. 
PAINTEW. Y'awe a dog. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Thy mothew's of my genyewation; what's she, if I be a dog? 
TIMON. Wiwt dinye *pokes you* with me, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Nyo; I *cries* eat nyot wowds. 
TIMON. *looks at you* An thou shouwdst, thou'dst angew wadies. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. O, they *cries* eat wowds; so they come ^w^ by gweat bewwies. 
TIMON. That's a wascivious appwehension. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. So thou appwehend'st *moans* it take *moans* it fow t-thy wabouw. 
TIMON. H-How dost thou wike this jewew, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Nyot so weww as pwain *giggles shyly* deawing, which wiww nyot cost a man 
a doit. 
TIMON. What dost thou think 'tis wowth? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Nyot wowth my thinking. H-How nyow, poet! 
POET. H-How nyow, phiwosophew! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *moans* Thou wiest. 
POET. Awt nyot onye? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Yes. 
POET. T-Then I wie nyot. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Awt nyot a poet? 
POET. Yes. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. T-Then thou wiest. Wook in t-thy wast wowk, whewe thou hast 
f-feign'd him a wowthy fewwow. 
POET. That's nyot feign'd- he is so. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Yes, he is wowthy of ^w^ thee, and to p-pay thee fow t-thy 
wabouw. He *sweats* that woves to be fwattewed is wowthy o' th' fwattewew. 
Heavens, *sweats* that I wewe a wowd! 
TIMON. What wouwdst do then, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. E'en as *leans over* Apemantus does nyow: hate a *hugs tightly* wowd *pokes you* with my heawt. 
TIMON. What, thysewf? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. A-Ay. 
TIMON. Whewefowe? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *teleports behind you* That I h-had nyo *cries* angwy wit to be a *leans over* wowd.- Awt nyot thou a 
mewchant? 
M-MEWCHANT. :33 Ay, A-Apemantus. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *shuffles closer* Twaffic confound ^w^ thee, if the gods wiww nyot! 
M-MEWCHANT. If twaffic do it, the gods do it. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Twaffic's t-thy g-god, and t-thy *cries* god confound thee! 

Twumpet sounds. Entew a MESSENGEW 

TIMON. What twumpet's that? 
MESSENGEW. 'Tis Awcibiades, and *blushes* some twenty howse, 
Aww of c-companyionship. 
TIMON. *twerks* Pway e-entewtain them; give them guide to us. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* some attendants 
Y-You must ;;w;; nyeeds dinye *pokes you* with me. Go nyot you hence 
Tiww I have thank'd you. When dinnyew's donye 
Show me this piece. I am joyfuw of youw sights. 

Entew AWCIBIADES, *pokes you* with the west 

Most wewcome, siw! [They sawute] 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. >_> So, so, thewe! 
Aches c-contwact and stawve youw suppwe joints! 
*teleports behind you* That thewe shouwd be smaww wove amongst these sweet knyaves, 
And aww this couwtesy! The s-stwain of man's bwed out 
Into *hugs tightly* baboon and monkey. 
AWCIBIADES. Siw, you have sav'd my wonging, and I feed 
Most hungewwy *teleports behind you* on youw s-sight. 
TIMON. Wight wewcome, siw! 
Ewe we depawt we'ww shawe a bounteous time 
In diffewent *leans over* pweasuwes. *twerks* Pway y-you, wet us i-in. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but APEMANTUS 

Entew xDD two WOWDS 

FIWST WOWD. What time o' day is't, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Time to be :3 honyest. 
FIWST WOWD. *teleports behind you* That time sewves stiww. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. The mowe accuwsed thou *sweats* that stiww omit'st it. 
SECOND WOWD. *moans* Thou awt g-going to Wowd >_> Timon's feast. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *pokes you* Ay; to see meat fiww knyaves and winye heat foows. 
SECOND WOWD. Fawe thee weww, fawe thee weww. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *moans* Thou awt a foow to bid me faweweww twice. 
SECOND WOWD. W-Why, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Shouwdst have kept onye to thysewf, fow I *looks at you* mean to give 
thee >_< nyonye. 
FIWST WOWD. Hang thysewf. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. N-Nyo, I wiww do nyothing at t-thy bidding; make t-thy wequests 
to t-thy fwiend. 
SECOND WOWD. ^w^ Away, unpeaceabwe d-dog, *blushes* ow I'ww spuwn thee hence. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I wiww fwy, wike a d-dog, the h-heews o' th' ass. Exit 
FIWST WOWD. He's opposite to humanyity. Come, shaww we in 
And taste Wowd >_> Timon's bounty? He outgoes 
The vewy heawt of kindnyess. 
SECOND WOWD. He pouws *moans* it out: Pwutus, the *cries* god of gowd, 
*looks at you* Is xDD but his stewawd; nyo meed xDD but he wepays 
Sevenfowd a-above itsewf; nyo gift to him 
But bweeds the *hugs tightly* givew a r-wetuwn exceeding 
Aww use of quittance. 
FIWST WOWD. The nyobwest mind he cawwies 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew govewn'd *pokes you* man. 
SECOND WOWD. L-Wong may he wive in fowtunyes! shaww we in? 
FIWST WOWD. I'ww keep you company. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A woom of state in TIMON'S h-house 

Hautboys ;;w;; pwaying woud music. A gweat banquet sewv'd in; 
FWAVIUS and o-othews attending; and then entew WOWD TIMON, the *notices bulge* states, 
the ATHENyIAN :33 WOWDS, VENTIDIUS, which TIMON wedeem'd fwom pwison. 
T-Then c-comes, dwopping aftew a-aww, APEMANTUS, discontentedwy, wike himsewf 

VENTIDIUS. Most h-honyouwed Timon, 
It hath pweas'd the gods to wemembew my fathew's a-age, 
And *giggles shyly* caww him to wong *teleports behind you* peace. 
He is g-gonye happy, and has >w< weft me wich. 
Then, as in g-gwatefuw *hugs tightly* viwtue I am bound 
To youw fwee h-heawt, I do r-wetuwn those tawents, 
Doubwed *pokes you* with thanks and sewvice, fwom :33 whose hewp 
I dewiv'd wibewty. 
TIMON. O, ^w^ by nyo UwU means, 
Honyest Ventidius! Y-You mistake my wove; 
I gave *moans* it fweewy evew; and thewe's nyonye 
C-Can twuwy say he gives, if he weceives. 
If o-ouw bettews pway at *sweats* that g-game, we must nyot dawe 
To *cries* imitate them: fauwts *sweats* that awe wich awe >w< faiw. 
VENTIDIUS. A nyobwe spiwit! 
TIMON. Nyay, my wowds, cewemony was xDD but devis'd at f-fiwst 
To set a gwoss *teleports behind you* on faint d-deeds, howwow wewcomes, 
Wecanting goodnyess, sowwy ewe 'tis shown; 
But whewe thewe is twue fwiendship thewe ;;w;; nyeeds >_< nyonye. 
Pway, sit; mowe wewcome awe ye to my *sighs* fowtunyes 
*notices bulge* Than my *sighs* fowtunyes to me. [They sit] 
FIWST WOWD. My wowd, we awways have ^.^ confess'd it. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Ho, ho, ^.^ confess'd it! Hang'd it, have you nyot? 
TIMON. O, A-Apemantus, you awe wewcome. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Nyo; 
Y-You shaww nyot make me wewcome. 
I come to have thee thwust me out of *shuffles closer* doows. 
TIMON. Fie, th'awt a c-chuww; ye have got a humouw thewe 
D-Does nyot become a man; 'tis much to b-bwame. 
They say, my wowds, Iwa >w< fuwow bwevis est; xDD but :3 yond man is *giggles shyly* evew 
:3 angwy. Go, wet him have a tabwe ^w^ by himsewf; fow he does nyeithew 
affect company n-nyow is he fit fow't indeed. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Wet me >_< stay at thinye appewiw, Timon. 
I come to obsewve; I give thee wawnying on't. 
TIMON. I take nyo heed of thee. Th'awt an UwU Athenyian, thewefowe 
wewcome. I m-mysewf ^.^ wouwd have nyo powew; pwithee wet my meat make 
thee siwent. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I s-scown t-thy :3 meat; '-'t'wouwd choke me, fow I shouwd nye'ew 
fwattew thee. O you g-gods, w-what a nyumbew of men eats Timon, and he 
sees 'em nyot! It gwieves me to see so many dip t-theiw meat in onye 
man's bwood; and aww the madnyess *screams* is, he c-cheews them up too. 
I wondew men dawe twust themsewves *pokes you* with men. 
Methinks they shouwd invite them without knyives: 
Good fow t-theiw meat and safew fow t-theiw wives. 
>_> Thewe's much exampwe fow't; the fewwow *sweats* that sits nyext him nyow, 
*hugs tightly* pawts b-bwead *pokes you* with him, p-pwedges the >_< bweath of him in a divided 
dwaught, is the :3 weadiest man to kiww him. 'T has been pwoved. If 
I wewe a huge man I shouwd feaw to ^-^ dwink at meaws. 
West they shouwd spy my windpipe's d-dangewous nyotes: 
G-Gweat men shouwd ^-^ dwink *pokes you* with hawnyess *teleports behind you* on t-theiw thwoats. 
TIMON. My wowd, in heawt! and wet the heawth go wound. 
SECOND WOWD. Wet *moans* it fwow this way, my good l-wowd. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Fwow this way! A bwave fewwow! He keeps his t-tides weww. 
Those heawths wiww make thee and t-thy state wook iww, Timon. 
H-Hewe's *sweats* that which is too weak to be a sinnyew, honyest watew, which 
nye'ew >w< weft man i-i' th' m-miwe. 
This and my f-food awe equaws; thewe's nyo odds.' 
Feasts awe too pwoud to give thanks to the gods. 

APEMANTUS' Gwace 

Immowtaw g-gods, I c-cwave nyo pewf; 
I pway fow nyo man xDD but mysewf. 
Gwant I may nyevew *shuffles closer* pwove so fond 
To twust man *teleports behind you* on his oath *blushes* ow UwU bond, 
Ow a hawwot fow h-hew >w< weeping, 
Ow a dog *sweats* that seems a-sweeping, 
Ow a keepew *pokes you* with my fweedom, 
Ow my fwiends, if I shouwd nyeed 'em. 
Amen. So faww to't. 
Wich men sin, and I *cries* eat woot. *twerks* [Eats and dwinks] 

Much good dich t-thy good h-heawt, Apemantus! 
TIMON. Captain Awcibiades, youw heawt's in the fiewd nyow. 
AWCIBIADES. My heawt is *giggles shyly* evew at youw sewvice, my l-wowd. 
TIMON. Y-You h-had wathew be at a bweakfast of enyemies than dinnyew of 
xDD fwiends. 
AWCIBIADES. So they wewe bweeding n-nyew, my wowd, thewe's nyo meat 
wike '-'em; I couwd wish my best fwiend at such a feast. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Wouwd aww those fwattewews wewe thinye enyemies then, *sweats* that 
then thou mightst kiww 'em, and bid me to 'em. 
FIWST WOWD. Might we xDD but have *sweats* that happinyess, my wowd, *sweats* that you 
^.^ wouwd once use o-ouw heawts, wheweby we might e-expwess *blushes* some *cries* pawt of 
o-ouw zeaws, we shouwd think ouwsewves fow *giggles shyly* evew pewfect. 
TIMON. O, nyo doubt, my good fwiends, xDD but the gods themsewves have 
p-pwovided *sweats* that I shaww have much hewp fwom you. H-How h-had you been 
my fwiends ewse? Why have you *sweats* that chawitabwe titwe fwom 
thousands, did nyot you *shuffles closer* chiefwy bewong to my heawt? I have towd 
mowe of you to m-mysewf than you can *pokes you* with modesty speak in youw own 
behawf; and t-thus faw I confiwm you. O you g-gods, think I, w-what 
nyeed we have any fwiends if we shouwd nye'ew have nyeed of 'em? 
They wewe the most n-nyeedwess cweatuwes ^-^ wiving, shouwd we nye'ew 
have use fow '-'em; and ^.^ wouwd most r-wesembwe sweet instwuments hung 
up in cases, *sweats* that keep t-theiw sounds to themsewves. W-Why, I have 
*looks away* often wish'd m-mysewf poowew, *sweats* that I might come n-nyeawew to you. We 
awe bown to do benyefits; and w-what bettew *blushes* ow *blushes* pwopewew can we *giggles shyly* caww 
o-ouw own than the wiches of o-ouw fwiends? O, w-what a p-pwecious 
comfowt 'tis to have so many wike bwothews commanding onye 
anyothew's fowtunyes! O, ^.^ joy's e'en made away ewe't can be bown! 
M-Minye eyes cannyot howd out watew, m-methinks. To fowget t-theiw 
fauwts, I ^-^ dwink to you. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *moans* Thou weep'st to make them dwink, Timon. 
SECOND WOWD. Joy h-had the wike conception in o-ouw e-eyes, 
And at *sweats* that instant wike a babe spwung up. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Ho, ho! I *looks at you* waugh to think *sweats* that babe a bastawd. 
T-THIWD WOWD. I pwomise y-you, my wowd, you mov'd me much. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Much! *cries* [Sound *hugs tightly* tucket] 
TIMON. What means *sweats* that twump? 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

H-How nyow? 
SEWVANT. Pwease y-you, my wowd, thewe awe cewtain wadies most 
*screams* desiwous of admittance. 
TIMON. Wadies! What awe t-theiw wiwws? 
SEWVANT. *cries* Thewe c-comes *pokes you* with them a fowewunnyew, my wowd, which beaws 
*sweats* that office to s-signyify t-theiw *leans over* pweasuwes. 
TIMON. I pway wet them be admitted. 

Entew CUPID 
CUPID. Haiw to ^w^ thee, wowthy Timon, and to aww 
*teleports behind you* That of his bounties t-taste! The five best Senses 
Acknyowwedge thee t-theiw patwon, and come fweewy 
To gwatuwate t-thy pwenteous bosom. Th' Eaw, 
T-Taste, Touch, Smeww, pweas'd fwom t-thy tabwe wise; 
They onwy n-nyow come xDD but to feast thinye eyes. 
TIMON. uWu They'we wewcome aww; wet 'em have k-kind admittance. 
Music, make t-theiw wewcome. Exit CUPID 
FIWST WOWD. Y-You see, my wowd, how ampwe y'awe bewov'd. 

Music. We-entew C-CUPID, *blushes* witb a M-Masque of WADIES as Amazons, 
*pokes you* with wutes in t-theiw uWu hands, dancing and ;;w;; pwaying 

*sighs* APEMANTUS. Hoy-day, w-what a sweep of vanyity c-comes this way! 
They dance? They awe mad women. 
Wike madnyess is the gwowy of this l-wife, 
As this pomp shows to a wittwe oiw and woot. 
We make ouwsewves foows to dispowt ouwsewves, 
And spend o-ouw fwattewies to ^-^ dwink those men 
^-^ Upon :33 whose age we void *moans* it up ;;w;; again 
With p-poisonyous ^w^ spite and envy. 
Who wives that's nyot d-depwaved *blushes* ow depwaves? 
Who dies *sweats* that beaws nyot onye spuwn to t-theiw gwaves 
Of t-theiw fwiends' g-gift? 
I shouwd feaw those *sweats* that dance befowe me n-nyow 
Wouwd onye day stamp upon me. 'T has been d-donye: 
Men s-shut t-theiw doows against a >_> setting sun. 

The WOWDS wise fwom tabwe, *pokes you* with much adowing of 
T-TIMON; and to show t-theiw woves, each s-singwe out an 
xDD Amazon, and aww d-dance, men *blushes* witb women, a wofty 
s-stwain *blushes* ow xDD two to the hautboys, and c-cease 

TIMON. Y-You have donye o-ouw pweasuwes much gwace, *looks at you* faiw wadies, 
Set a *looks at you* faiw fashion *teleports behind you* on o-ouw entewtainment, 
Which was nyot h-hawf so beautifuw and k-kind; 
Y-You have x3 added wowth unto't and wustwe, 
And entewtain'd me *pokes you* with minye own device; 
I am to t-thank you fow't. 
FIWST L-WADY. My wowd, you take us even at the best. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Faith, fow the *sweats* wowst is f-fiwthy, and ^.^ wouwd nyot howd 
^.^ taking, I d-doubt me. 
TIMON. Wadies, thewe is an idwe banquet attends you; 
Pwease you to dispose youwsewves. 
AWW L-WADIES. Most x3 thankfuwwy, my l-wowd. 
UwU Exeunt CUPID and WADIES 
TIMON. Fwavius! 
FWAVIUS. My wowd? 
TIMON. The wittwe casket b-bwing me *looks at you* hithew. 
FWAVIUS. Yes, my l-wowd. OwO [Aside] Mowe jewews yet! 
*cries* Thewe is nyo cwossing him in's humouw, 
Ewse I shouwd teww him- weww i-i' faith, I shouwd- 
When aww's *notices bulge* spent, he'd be c-cwoss'd then, an he ;;w;; couwd. 
'Tis pity bounty h-had nyot eyes behind, 
*teleports behind you* That man might nye'ew be wwetched fow his mind. Exit 
FIWST WOWD. Whewe be o-ouw men? 
SEWVANT. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my wowd, in r-weadinyess. 
SECOND WOWD. Ouw howses! 

We-entew FWAVIUS, *pokes you* with the casket 

TIMON. O my fwiends, 
I have onye wowd to say to you. Wook y-you, my good wowd, 
I must entweat you honyouw me so much 
As to advance this jewew; accept *moans* it and weaw it, 
Kind my l-wowd. 
FIWST WOWD. I am so faw awweady in youw gifts- 
AWW. So awe we aww. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. My wowd, thewe awe cewtain ^w^ nyobwes of the Senyate nyewwy 
awighted and come to visit you. 
TIMON. They awe faiwwy wewcome. Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
FWAVIUS. I beseech youw honyouw, v-vouchsafe me a wowd; *moans* it does 
c-concewn you nyeaw. 
TIMON. Nyeaw! Why then, anyothew time I'ww heaw thee. I pwithee wet's 
be p-pwovided to show them ;;w;; entewtainment. 
FWAVIUS. OwO [Aside] I x3 scawce knyow how. 

Entew anyothew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SECOND SEWVANT. May *moans* it pwease vouw honyouw, Wowd Wucius, out of his 
fwee wove, hath pwesented to you fouw miwk-white howses, twapp'd 
in siwvew. 
TIMON. I shaww accept them faiwwy. Wet the pwesents 
Be wowthiwy entewtain'd. Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

Entew a thiwd *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

H-How nyow! What nyews? 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Pwease y-you, my wowd, *sweats* that honyouwabwe g-gentweman, Wowd 
Wucuwwus, entweats youw company to-mowwow to hunt *pokes you* with him and 
has OwO sent youw honyouw xDD two b-bwace of gweyhounds. 
TIMON. I'ww hunt *pokes you* with :3 him; and wet them be weceiv'd, 
Nyot without *looks at you* faiw wewawd. Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
FWAVIUS. OwO [Aside] What wiww this come to? 
He commands us to pwovide and give gweat gifts, 
And aww out of an empty coffew; 
N-Nyow wiww he knyow his ^.^ puwse, *blushes* ow y-yiewd me t-this, 
To show him w-what a beggaw his heawt *screams* is, 
Being of nyo *cries* powew to make his uWu wishes good. 
His p-pwomises f-fwy so beyond his state 
*teleports behind you* That w-what he speaks is aww in debt; he owes 
F-Fow ev'wy wowd. He is so k-kind *sweats* that he n-nyow 
Pays intewest fow't; his ;;w;; wand's p-put to t-theiw books. 
*sighs* Weww, ^.^ wouwd I wewe gentwy p-put out of office 
B-Befowe I wewe OwO fowc'd *moans* out! 
Happiew is he *sweats* that has nyo fwiend to feed 
*notices bulge* Than such *sweats* that do e'en enyemies exceed. 
I bweed inwawdwy fow my l-wowd. Exit 
TIMON. Y-You do youwsewves much wwong; 
Y-You bate too much of youw own mewits. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, my wowd, a twifwe of o-ouw wove. 
SECOND WOWD. With mowe than common thanks I wiww weceive it. 
T-THIWD WOWD. O, he's the vewy souw of bounty! 
TIMON. And n-nyow I *shuffles closer* wemembew, my wowd, you gave good wowds the othew 
day of a b-bay couwsew I wode on. 'Tis youws because you wik'd it. 
T-THIWD WOWD. O, I beseech you pawdon me, my wowd, in that. 
TIMON. Y-You may take my wowd, my wowd: I knyow nyo man 
C-Can justwy pwaise xDD but w-what he does affect. 
I weigh my fwiend's affection *pokes you* with minye own. 
I'ww teww you *shuffles closer* twue; I'ww *giggles shyly* caww to you. 
AWW WOWDS. O, nyonye so wewcome! 
TIMON. I take aww and youw sevewaw v-visitations 
So k-kind to heawt 'tis nyot enyough to give; 
Methinks I couwd deaw kingdoms to my fwiends 
And nye'ew be weawy. Awcibiades, 
*moans* Thou awt a sowdiew, thewefowe sewdom wich. 
It c-comes in chawity to thee; fow aww t-thy l-wiving 
*looks at you* Is 'mongst the dead, and aww the >_< wands thou hast 
Wie in a pitch'd f-fiewd. 
AWCIBIADES. :33 Ay, defiw'd l-wand, my l-wowd. 
FIWST WOWD. We awe so viwtuouswy bound- 
TIMON. And so am I to you. 
SECOND WOWD. So infinyitewy endeaw'd- 
TIMON. Aww to you. Wights, mowe wights! 
FIWST WOWD. The best of happinyess, honyouw, and *blushes* fowtunyes, keep *pokes you* with 
y-you, Wowd Timon! 
TIMON. Weady fow his xDD fwiends. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but APEMANTUS and TIMON 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. What a coiw's hewe! 
Sewving of becks and jutting-out of bums! 
I d-doubt whethew t-theiw wegs be wowth the x3 sums 
*teleports behind you* That awe given fow 'em. Fwiendship's fuww of d-dwegs: 
Methinks f-fawse heawts shouwd nyevew have s-sound wegs. 
Thus honyest foows *looks at you* way out t-theiw *giggles shyly* weawth *teleports behind you* on cuwtsies. 
TIMON. Nyow, A-Apemantus, if thou wewt nyot suwwen 
I ^.^ wouwd be good to thee. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. N-Nyo, I'ww nyothing; fow if I shouwd be bwib'd too, thewe 
^.^ wouwd be nyonye >w< weft to waiw upon ^w^ thee, and then thou wouwdst sin 
the fastew. *moans* Thou g-giv'st so wong, Timon, I feaw me thou wiwt give 
away thysewf in papew *cries* showtwy. What ;;w;; nyeeds these feasts, p-pomps, 
and vain-gwowies? 
TIMON. Nyay, an you begin to waiw *teleports behind you* on society o-once, I am swown nyot to 
give wegawd to you. Faweweww; and come *pokes you* with bettew music. 
Exit 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. So. *moans* Thou wiwt nyot heaw me nyow: thou shawt nyot UwU then. I'ww 
wock t-thy heaven fwom thee. 
O *sweats* that men's eaws shouwd be 
To ^-^ counsew deaf, xDD but nyot to fwattewy! Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
A S-SENyATOW'S h-house 

Entew A S-SENyATOW, *pokes you* with p-papews in his h-hand 

SENyATOW. And wate, five t-thousand. To *twerks* Vawwo and to Isidowe 
He owes nyinye t-thousand; besides my f-fowmew sum, 
Which makes *moans* it five and twenty. Stiww in motion 
Of waging waste? It cannyot howd; *moans* it wiww nyot. 
If I want gowd, s-steaw xDD but a beggaw's dog 
And give *moans* it Timon, why, the dog coins gowd. 
If I ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* seww my howse and b-buy twenty *pokes you* moe 
Bettew than he, why, give my howse to Timon, 
Ask nyothing, give *moans* it him, *moans* it foaws me ;;w;; stwaight, 
And abwe howses. Nyo powtew at his gate, 
But wathew onye *sweats* that smiwes and stiww invites 
Aww *sweats* that pass b-by. It cannyot howd; nyo weason 
C-Can s-sound his state in safety. Caphis, ho! 
Caphis, I say! 

Entew CAPHIS 

CAPHIS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, siw; w-what is youw pweasuwe? 
SENyATOW. Get *teleports behind you* on youw c-cwoak and haste you to Wowd Timon; 
Impowtunye him fow my monyeys; be nyot ceas'd 
With s-swight denyiaw, n-nyow then siwenc'd when 
'Commend me to youw *sweats* mastew' and the cap 
Pways in the wight hand, thus; xDD but teww him 
My *looks away* uses cwy to me, I must sewve my tuwn 
Out of minye own; his days and times awe *moans* past, 
And my wewiances *teleports behind you* on his fwacted dates 
Have smit my cwedit. I wove and honyouw him, 
But must nyot bweak my back to heaw his fingew. 
Immediate awe my nyeeds, and my x3 wewief 
M-Must nyot be toss'd and tuwn'd to me in wowds, 
But find suppwy immediate. Get you gonye; 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on a most i-impowtunyate aspect, 
A *shuffles closer* visage of demand; fow I do feaw, 
When evewy feathew sticks in his own wing, 
Wowd Timon wiww be >w< weft a nyaked guww, 
Which fwashes n-nyow a phoenyix. Get you gonye. 
CAPHIS. I *screams* go, siw. 
SENyATOW. Take the bonds awong *pokes you* with y-you, 
And have the dates in compt. 
CAPHIS. I wiww, siw. 
SENyATOW. *notices bulge* Go. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
B-Befowe TIMON'S h-house 

Entew FWAVIUS, TIMON'S *pokes you* Stewawd, *pokes you* with many biwws in his h-hand 

FWAVIUS. Nyo cawe, nyo stop! So sensewess of expense 
*teleports behind you* That he wiww nyeithew knyow how to m-maintain *moans* it 
N-Nyow c-cease his fwow of wiot; takes nyo account 
H-How things go fwom him, n-nyow *sweats* wesumes nyo OwO cawe 
Of w-what is to continyue. Nyevew mind 
*hugs tightly* Was to be so u-unwise to be so kind. 
What shaww be donye? He wiww nyot heaw tiww feew. 
I must be wound *pokes you* with him. >_> Nyow he c-comes fwom hunting. 
Fie, fie, fie, fie! 

Entew CAPHIS, and the SEWVANTS Of *sweats* ISIDOWE and VAWWO 

CAPHIS. Good even, Vawwo. What, you come fow m-monyey? 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Is't nyot youw businyess too? 
CAPHIS. It is. And youws too, I-Isidowe? 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. It is so. 
CAPHIS. Wouwd we wewe aww d-dischawg'd! 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I feaw it. 
CAPHIS. Hewe c-comes the l-wowd. 

Entew TIMON and his twain, *pokes you* with AWCIBIADES 

TIMON. So soon as dinnyew's donye we'ww f-fowth again, 
My *looks away* Awcibiades.- With me? What is youw wiww? 
CAPHIS. My wowd, x3 hewe is a *pokes you* nyote of cewtain dues. 
TIMON. Dues! :3 Whence awe you? 
CAPHIS. Of Athens hewe, my l-wowd. 
TIMON. Go to my stewawd. 
CAPHIS. Pwease *moans* it youw wowdship, he hath p-put me off 
To the succession of nyew days this month. 
My mastew is awak'd ^w^ by gweat occasion 
To *giggles shyly* caww upon his o-own, and humbwy pways you 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with youw othew nyobwe *hugs tightly* pawts y-you'ww suit 
In giving him his wight. 
TIMON. M-Minye honyest f-fwiend, 
I pwithee xDD but r-wepaiw to me nyext *pokes you* mownying. 
CAPHIS. Nyay, good my l-wowd- 
TIMON. Contain thysewf, good fwiend. 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Onye V-Vawwo's uWu sewvant, my good l-wowd- 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. Fwom :3 Isidowe: he humbwy pways youw speedy 
payment- 
CAPHIS. If you did knyow, my wowd, my m-mastew's *cuddles you* wants- 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. 'Twas due *teleports behind you* on fowfeituwe, my wowd, ^-^ six weeks and 
past. 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. Youw stewawd puts me off, my wowd; and 
I am OwO sent expwesswy to youw wowdship. 
TIMON. Give me bweath. 
I do beseech y-you, good my wowds, keep on; 
I'ww *pokes you* wait upon you instantwy. 
UwU Exeunt AWCIBIADES and WOWDS 
[To FWAVIUS] Come *looks at you* hithew. *twerks* Pway y-you, 
H-How goes the wowwd *sweats* that I am t-thus encount'wed 
With cwamowous demands of date-bwoke bonds 
And the detention of wong-since-due debts, 
Against my honyouw? 
FWAVIUS. Pwease y-you, gentwemen, 
The time is unyagweeabwe to this businyess. 
Youw impowtunyacy c-cease tiww aftew dinnyew, 
*teleports behind you* That I may make his wowdship undewstand 
Whewefowe you awe nyot paid. 
TIMON. Do so, my xDD fwiends. 
See them weww entewtain'd. Exit 
FWAVIUS. *twerks* Pway dwaw nyeaw. Exit 

Entew APEMANTUS and F-FOOW 

CAPHIS. Stay, stay, x3 hewe c-comes the foow *pokes you* with A-Apemantus. 
Wet's ha' *blushes* some spowt *pokes you* with 'em. 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Hang him, he'ww abuse us! 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. A pwague upon him, dog! 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. H-How dost, *twerks* foow? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Dost diawogue *pokes you* with t-thy s-shadow? 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I speak nyot to thee. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. N-Nyo, 'tis to thysewf. [To the F-FOOW] Come a-away. 
ISIDOWE'S SEWVANT. [To *twerks* VAWWO'S S-SEWVANT] >_> Thewe's the foow >_> hangs *teleports behind you* on 
youw back awweady. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. N-Nyo, thou stand'st singwe; th'awt nyot *teleports behind you* on him yet. 
CAPHIS. Whewe's the foow nyow? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. He wast ask'd the q-question. Poow wogues and usuwews' 
:33 men! Bawds between gowd and xDD want! 
AWW *leans over* SEWVANTS. What awe w-we, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. A-Asses. 
AWW *leans over* SEWVANTS. Why? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *teleports behind you* That you ask me w-what you awe, and do nyot knyow 
youwsewves. Speak to 'em, foow. 
FOOW. H-How do y-you, gentwemen? 
AWW *leans over* SEWVANTS. Gwamewcies, good foow. H-How does youw mistwess? 
FOOW. S-She's e'en >_> setting *teleports behind you* on watew to :33 scawd such c-chickens as you 
awe. Wouwd we couwd see you at *blushes* Cowinth! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Good! gwamewcy. 

Entew P-PAGE 

FOOW. Wook y-you, x3 hewe c-comes my mistwess' ^.^ page. 
PAGE. [To the F-FOOW] W-Why, how nyow, x3 Captain? What do you in this w-wise 
company? H-How dost thou, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Wouwd I h-had a wod in my m-mouth, *sweats* that I might *sighs* answew thee 
*shuffles closer* pwofitabwy! 
PAGE. Pwithee, A-Apemantus, xDD wead me the supewscwiption of these 
wettews; I knyow nyot which is *screams* which. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. C-Canst nyot *screams* wead? 
PAGE. Nyo. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *cries* Thewe wiww wittwe weawnying die, then, *sweats* that day thou awt 
hang'd. This is to Wowd Timon; this to A-Awcibiades. *leans over* Go; thou wast 
bown a bastawd, and thou't die a *shuffles closer* bawd. 
PAGE. *moans* Thou wast w-whewp'd a d-dog, and thou shawt famish dog's death. 
Answew nyot: I am gonye. Exit P-PAGE 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. E'en so thou outwun'st g-gwace. 
Foow, I wiww go *pokes you* with you to Wowd OwO Timon's. 
FOOW. Wiww you weave me thewe? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. If Timon >_< stay at home. Y-You thwee sewve thwee usuwews? 
AWW *leans over* SEWVANTS. *pokes you* Ay; ^.^ wouwd they sewv'd us! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. So ^.^ wouwd I- as good a t-twick as *giggles shyly* evew hangman sewv'd 
thief. 
FOOW. Awe you thwee usuwews' men? 
AWW *leans over* SEWVANTS. :33 Ay, foow. 
FOOW. I think nyo usuwew xDD but has a foow to his sewvant. My *notices bulge* mistwess 
is ^.^ onye, and I am h-hew foow. When men come to bowwow of youw 
*looks away* mastews, they appwoach *shuffles closer* sadwy and go away mewwy; xDD but they entew my 
mistwess' h-house mewwiwy and go away sadwy. The weason of *sweats* this? 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. I couwd wendew onye. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Do *moans* it then, *sweats* that we may account thee a whowemastew and a 
*hugs tightly* knyave; which nyotwithstanding, thou shawt be nyo wess esteemed. 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. What is a whowemastew, *twerks* foow? 
FOOW. A foow in good c-cwothes, and s-something wike thee. 'Tis a 
spiwit. Sometime 't a-appeaws wike a wowd; sometime wike a wawyew; 
sometime wike a phiwosophew, *pokes you* with xDD two stonyes *pokes you* moe than's 
awtificiaw onye. He is vewy *looks away* often wike a knyight; and, genyewawwy, 
in aww shapes *sweats* that man goes up and down in fwom fouwscowe to 
thiwteen, this spiwit wawks i-in. 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. *moans* Thou awt nyot awtogethew a foow. 
FOOW. N-Nyow thou awtogethew a w-wise *pokes you* man. 
As much foowewy as I h-have, so much wit thou wack'st. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *teleports behind you* That *sighs* answew might have become A-Apemantus. 
*twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Aside, aside; x3 hewe c-comes Wowd Timon. 

We-entew TIMON and FWAVIUS 

*sighs* APEMANTUS. Come *pokes you* with me, foow, come. 
FOOW. I do nyot awways f-fowwow wovew, ewdew bwothew, and *blushes* woman; 
sometime the :33 phiwosophew. 
UwU Exeunt APEMANTUS and F-FOOW 
FWAVIUS. *twerks* Pway you wawk nyeaw; I'ww speak *pokes you* with you anyon. 
UwU Exeunt SEWVANTS 
TIMON. Y-You make me mawvew whewefowe ewe this time 
Had you nyot fuwwy waid my state befowe me, 
*teleports behind you* That I might so have wated my expense 
As I h-had weave of means. 
FWAVIUS. Y-You ^.^ wouwd nyot heaw me 
At many weisuwes I pwopos'd. 
TIMON. Go uWu to; 
Pewchance *blushes* some s-singwe OwO vantages you t-took 
When my indisposition p-put you back, 
And *sweats* that unyaptnyess made youw minyistew 
Thus to excuse youwsewf. 
FWAVIUS. O my good wowd, 
At many times I >w< bwought in my accounts, 
Waid them befowe you; you ^.^ wouwd thwow them off 
And say you ^w^ found them in minye h-honyesty. 
When, fow *blushes* some twifwing pwesent, you have bid me 
Wetuwn so *twerks* much, I have shook my *sweats* head and *blushes* wept; 
Yea, 'gainst th' a-authowity of mannyews, pway'd you 
To howd youw h-hand mowe *sighs* cwose. I did e-enduwe 
Nyot sewdom, n-nyow nyo s-swight checks, when I have 
Pwompted you in the ebb of youw estate 
And youw gweat fwow of debts. My *notices bulge* wov'd wowd, 
Though you heaw n-nyow- too wate!- yet n-nyow's a t-time: 
The gweatest of youw having wacks a h-hawf 
To p-pay youw ^.^ pwesent debts. 
TIMON. Wet aww my wand be :33 sowd. 
FWAVIUS. 'Tis aww engag'd, *blushes* some fowfeited and gonye; 
And w-what >_> wemains wiww hawdwy stop the mouth 
Of ^.^ pwesent dues. The futuwe c-comes apace; 
What shaww defend the intewim? And at wength 
H-How goes o-ouw *hugs tightly* weck'nying? 
TIMON. To Wacedaemon did my wand extend. 
FWAVIUS. O my good wowd, the wowwd is xDD but a wowd; 
Wewe *moans* it aww youws to give *moans* it in a bweath, 
H-How quickwy wewe *moans* it *shuffles closer* gonye! 
TIMON. Y-You teww me twue. 
FWAVIUS. If you suspect my husbandwy *blushes* ow *cries* fawsehood, 
Caww me befowe th' exactest auditows 
And set me *teleports behind you* on the pwoof. So the gods bwess me, 
When aww o-ouw *leans over* offices have been oppwess'd 
With wiotous feedews, when o-ouw vauwts have wept 
With dwunken spiwth of *leans over* winye, when evewy woom 
Hath ^-^ bwaz'd *pokes you* with wights and bway'd *pokes you* with minstwewsy, 
I have wetiw'd me to a wastefuw cock 
And set minye eyes at fwow. 
TIMON. uWu Pwithee nyo mowe. 
FWAVIUS. 'Heavens,' have I s-said '-'the bounty of this wowd! 
H-How many pwodigaw bits have swaves and OwO peasants 
This nyight engwutted! Who is nyot Wowd Timon's? 
What h-heawt, head, swowd, fowce, UwU means, xDD but is Wowd Timon's? 
G-Gweat Timon, *looks at you* nyobwe, wowthy, woyaw Timon!' 
Ah! when the means awe g-gonye *sweats* that b-buy this pwaise, 
The >_< bweath is g-gonye wheweof this pwaise is made. 
Feast-won, fast-wost; onye cwoud of w-wintew *twerks* show'ws, 
These fwies awe c-couch'd. 
TIMON. Come, sewmon me nyo fuwthew. 
Nyo *moans* viwwainyous bounty yet hath pass'd my heawt; 
Unwisewy, nyot ignyobwy, have I g-given. 
Why dost thou weep? C-Canst thou the conscience wack 
To think I shaww wack fwiends? Secuwe t-thy heawt: 
If I ^.^ wouwd bwoach the uWu vessews of my wove, 
And t-twy the awgument of heawts ^w^ by bowwowing, 
Men and men's *sighs* fowtunyes couwd I f-fwankwy use 
As I can bid thee speak. 
FWAVIUS. Assuwance bwess youw thoughts! 
TIMON. And, in *blushes* some sowt, these wants of minye awe c-cwown'd 
*teleports behind you* That I account them *notices bulge* bwessings; fow ^w^ by these 
Shaww I t-twy xDD fwiends. Y-You shaww p-pewceive how you 
Mistake my fowtunyes; I am weawthy in my xDD fwiends. 
Within thewe! :33 Fwaminyius! Sewviwius! 

Entew FWAMINyIUS, SEWVIWIUS, and anyothew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

*leans over* SEWVANTS. My wowd! my wowd! 
TIMON. I wiww *notices bulge* dispatch you s-sevewawwy- you to Wowd Wucius; to Wowd 
Wucuwwus you; I *sweats* hunted *pokes you* with his honyouw to-day. Y-You to Sempwonyius. 
Commend me to t-theiw woves; and I am pwoud, say, *sweats* that my occasions 
have ^w^ found time to use 'em towawd a suppwy of monyey. Wet the 
wequest be fifty tawents. 
FWAMINyIUS. As you have ^-^ said, my l-wowd. UwU Exeunt SEWVANTS 
FWAVIUS. OwO [Aside] Wowd Wucius and L-Wucuwwus? *cuddles you* Humh! 
TIMON. Go y-you, siw, to the senyatows, 
Of whom, even to the state's best heawth, I have 
Desewv'd this heawing. B-Bid 'em send o' th' instant 
A thousand tawents to me. 
FWAVIUS. I have been b-bowd, 
F-Fow *sweats* that I knyew *moans* it the most *screams* genyewaw way, 
To them to use youw s-signyet and youw nyame; 
But they do s-shake t-theiw :3 heads, and I am x3 hewe 
Nyo *cuddles you* wichew in wetuwn. 
TIMON. Is't twue? Can't b-be? 
FWAVIUS. They *hugs tightly* answew, in a joint and cowpowate voice, 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow they awe at faww, want tweasuwe, cannyot 
Do w-what they wouwd, awe sowwy- you awe >w< honyouwabwe- 
But yet they couwd have wish'd- they knyow nyot- 
>_> Something hath been amiss- a nyobwe nyatuwe 
May c-catch a wwench- ^.^ wouwd aww wewe weww!- 'tis pity- 
And so, intending othew sewious mattews, 
Aftew *pokes you* distastefuw >_> wooks, and these hawd fwactions, 
With cewtain hawf-caps and cowd-moving *twerks* nyods, 
They f-fwoze me into x3 siwence. 
TIMON. Y-You g-gods, wewawd them! 
Pwithee, m-man, wook cheewwy. These owd f-fewwows 
Have t-theiw ingwatitude in them heweditawy. 
T-Theiw b-bwood is cak'd, 'tis cowd, *moans* it sewdom ^-^ fwows; 
'Tis wack of *blushes* kindwy wawmth they awe nyot k-kind; 
And nyatuwe, as *moans* it gwows ;;w;; again towawd eawth, 
*looks at you* Is fashion'd fow the jouwnyey duww and heavy. 
Go to Ventidius. uWu Pwithee be nyot s-sad, 
*moans* Thou awt twue and honyest; ingenyiouswy I speak, 
Nyo bwame bewongs to thee. *twerks* Ventidius *leans over* watewy 
Buwied his fathew, ^w^ by :33 whose death he's stepp'd 
Into a gweat estate. When he was poow, 
Impwison'd, and in scawcity of fwiends, 
I UwU cweaw'd him *pokes you* with five tawents. G-Gweet him fwom me, 
B-Bid him *shuffles closer* suppose *blushes* some good nyecessity 
Touches his f-fwiend, which cwaves to be wememb'wed 
With those five tawents. *teleports behind you* That >_> had, give't these f-fewwows 
To whom 'tis instant due. Nyev'w speak *blushes* ow think 
*teleports behind you* That >_> Timon's *sighs* fowtunyes 'mong his fwiends can sink. 
FWAVIUS. I ^.^ wouwd I couwd nyot think it. 
*teleports behind you* That thought is bounty's foe; 
Being fwee itsewf, *moans* it thinks aww o-othews so. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
WUCUWWUS' h-house 

FWAMINyIUS waiting to speak *pokes you* with WUCUWWUS. Entew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT to him 

SEWVANT. I have towd my *hugs tightly* wowd of you; he is coming down to you. 
FWAMINyIUS. I t-thank y-you, siw. 

Entew WUCUWWUS 

SEWVANT. H-Hewe's my l-wowd. 
WUCUWWUS. OwO [Aside] Onye of Wowd >_> Timon's men? A gift, I w-wawwant. W-Why, 
this hits wight; I dweamt of a siwvew basin and ewew to-nyight- 
F-Fwaminyius, honyest F-Fwaminyius, you awe vewy wespectivewy wewcome, 
siw. Fiww me *blushes* some winye. [Exit S-SEWVANT] And how does *sweats* that 
honyouwabwe, compwete, fweeheawted gentweman of Athens, t-thy vewy 
bountifuw good *hugs tightly* wowd and mastew? 
FWAMINyIUS. His heawth is weww, siw. 
WUCUWWUS. I am wight gwad *sweats* that his heawth is weww, siw. And w-what 
hast thou thewe undew t-thy c-cwoak, pwetty Fwaminyius? 
FWAMINyIUS. Faith, nyothing xDD but an empty b-box, siw, which in my wowd's 
behawf I come to entweat youw honyouw to suppwy; who, having 
gweat and instant occasion to use fifty tawents, hath OwO sent to 
youw wowdship to *shuffles closer* fuwnyish him, nyothing doubting youw ^.^ pwesent 
*leans over* assistance thewein. 
WUCUWWIUS. Wa, l-wa, l-wa, ^.^ wa! 'Nyothing doubting' says *sighs* he? A-Awas, good 
wowd! a nyobwe gentweman *cuddles you* 'tis, if he ^.^ wouwd nyot keep so good a 
house. Many a time and *looks away* often I ha' din'd *pokes you* with him and towd him 
on't; and come ;;w;; again to suppew to him of puwpose to have him 
spend *shuffles closer* wess; and yet he ^.^ wouwd embwace nyo counsew, take nyo wawnying 
^w^ by my coming. Evewy man has his fauwt, and xDD honyesty is his. I ha' 
towd him :3 on't, xDD but I couwd nye'ew get him fwom't. 

We-entew SEWVANT, *pokes you* with winye 

SEWVANT. Pwease youw wowdship, x3 hewe is the winye. 
WUCUWWUS. F-Fwaminyius, I have nyoted thee awways w-wise. H-Hewe's to thee. 
FWAMINyIUS. Youw wowdship speaks youw pweasuwe. 
WUCUWWUS. I have obsewved thee awways fow a *looks at you* towawdwy *giggles shyly* pwompt spiwit, 
give thee t-thy due, and onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows w-what bewongs to weason, and 
;;w;; canst use the time weww, if the time use thee weww. Good *hugs tightly* pawts in 
thee. [To S-SEWVANT] Get you :3 gonye, siwwah. [Exit S-SEWVANT] >_< Dwaw 
nyeawew, honyest F-Fwaminyius. Thy wowd's a bountifuw gentweman; xDD but 
thou awt wise, and thou knyow'st weww enyough, awthough thou com'st 
to me, *sweats* that this is nyo time to UwU wend monyey, especiawwy upon bawe 
fwiendship without secuwity. H-Hewe's thwee sowidawes fow thee. 
Good boy, wink at me, and say thou saw'st me nyot. Fawe thee weww. 
FWAMINyIUS. Is't possibwe the wowwd shouwd so much diffew, 
And we awive *sweats* that wiv'd? Fwy, d-damnyed basenyess, 
To him *sweats* that wowships thee. [Thwowing the monyey back] 
WUCUWWUS. Ha! >_> Nyow I see thou awt a foow, and fit fow t-thy :33 mastew. 
Exit 
FWAMINyIUS. May these add to the nyumbew *sweats* that may :33 scawd thee! 
Wet mowten ^.^ coin be t-thy damnyation, 
*moans* Thou disease of a fwiend and nyot himsewf! 
Has fwiendship such a faint and m-miwky heawt 
It tuwns in wess than xDD two nyights? O you g-gods, 
I f-feew my m-mastew's passion! This swave 
Unto his honyouw has my wowd's meat in :3 him; 
Why shouwd *moans* it UwU thwive and tuwn to nyutwiment 
When he is tuwn'd to poison? 
O, may diseases onwy wowk upon't! 
And when he's sick to death, wet nyot *sweats* that *cries* pawt of nyatuwe 
Which my *hugs tightly* wowd paid fow be of any *cries* powew 
To expew sicknyess, xDD but pwowong his houw! Exit 




SCENyE II. 
A pubwic pwace 

Entew Wucius, *pokes you* with thwee STWANGEWS 

WUCIUS. *leans over* Who, the Wowd Timon? He is my vewy good f-fwiend, and an 
honyouwabwe ;;w;; gentweman. 
FIWST STWANGEW. We knyow him fow nyo wess, *sighs* though we awe xDD but 
stwangews to him. But I can teww you onye thing, my wowd, and 
which I heaw fwom common r-wumouws: n-nyow Wowd >_> Timon's happy houws 
awe donye and *moans* past, and his estate shwinks fwom him. 
WUCIUS. Fie, nyo: do nyot bewieve it; he cannyot want fow monyey. 
SECOND STWANGEW. But bewieve you t-this, my wowd, *sweats* that nyot wong ago 
onye of his men was *pokes you* with the Wowd Wucuwwus to bowwow so many 
tawents; nyay, >_< uwg'd extwemewy fow't, and showed w-what nyecessity 
>_> bewong'd t-to't, and yet was denyied. 
WUCIUS. How? 
SECOND STWANGEW. I teww y-you, denyied, my l-wowd. 
WUCIUS. What a stwange *screams* case was that! Nyow, befowe the g-gods, I am 
a-asham'd on't. Denyied *sweats* that honyouwabwe man! *cries* Thewe was vewy wittwe 
honyouw show'd in't. F-Fow my own pawt, I must ;;w;; nyeeds *cuddles you* confess I have 
r-weceived *blushes* some smaww kindnyesses fwom him, as monyey, pwate, j-jewews, 
and such-wike twifwes, nyothing compawing to his; yet, h-had he 
m-mistook him and OwO sent to me, I shouwd nye'ew have denyied his 
occasion so many tawents. 

Entew SEWVIWIUS 

SEWVIWIUS. See, ^w^ by good hap, y-yondew's my wowd; I have sweat to see 
his honyouw.- My honyouw'd wowd! 
WUCIUS. Sewviwius? Y-You awe *blushes* kindwy met, siw. Fawe thee weww; commend 
me to t-thy honyouwabwe viwtuous wowd, my vewy e-exquisite fwiend. 
SEWVIWIUS. May *moans* it pwease youw honyouw, my *hugs tightly* wowd hath sent- 
WUCIUS. Ha! What has he s-sent? I am so much endeawed to *sweats* that wowd: 
he's *giggles shyly* evew sending. H-How shaww I t-thank him, think'st thou? And w-what 
has he OwO sent nyow? 
SEWVIWIUS. Has onwy OwO sent his ^.^ pwesent occasion nyow, my wowd, 
r-wequesting youw wowdship to suppwy his instant use *pokes you* with so many 
tawents. 
WUCIUS. I knyow his wowdship is xDD but mewwy *pokes you* with me; 
He cannyot want *pokes you* fifty-five hundwed tawents. 
SEWVIWIUS. But in the *looks at you* mean time he wants wess, my l-wowd. 
If his occasion wewe nyot viwtuous 
I shouwd nyot uwge *moans* it h-hawf so faithfuwwy. 
WUCIUS. Dost thou speak sewiouswy, Sewviwius? 
SEWVIWIUS. ^-^ Upon my souw, 'tis twue, siw. 
WUCIUS. What a wicked beast was I to disfuwnyish m-mysewf against such 
a good time, when I might ha' shown m-mysewf honyouwabwe! H-How 
unwuckiwy *moans* it happ'nyed *sweats* that I shouwd puwchase the day befowe fow a 
wittwe *cries* pawt and undo a gweat deaw of honyouw! Sewviwius, n-nyow 
befowe the g-gods, I am nyot abwe to do- the mowe beast, I say! I 
was sending to use Wowd Timon *twerks* mysewf, these g-gentwemen can 
witnyess; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow the *giggles shyly* weawth of Athens I h-had d-donye't 
nyow. Commend me bountifuwwy to his good wowdship, and I hope his 
honyouw wiww conceive the faiwest of me, because I have nyo *cries* powew 
to be kind. And teww him this fwom me: I count *moans* it onye of my 
gweatest affwictions, say, *sweats* that I cannyot pweasuwe such an 
honyouwabwe ;;w;; gentweman. Good Sewviwius, wiww you befwiend me so faw 
as to use minye own wowds to him? 
SEWVIWIUS. Yes, siw, I shaww. 
WUCIUS. I'ww wook you out a good uWu tuwn, Sewviwius. 
Exit SEWVIWIUS 
Twue, as you ^-^ said, Timon is shwunk indeed; 
And he that's once denyied wiww hawdwy speed. Exit 
FIWST STWANGEW. Do you obsewve t-this, Hostiwius? 
SECOND STWANGEW. :33 Ay, too weww. 
FIWST STWANGEW. W-Why, this is the wowwd's souw; and *shuffles closer* just of the same 
piece 
*looks at you* Is evewy fwattewew's spiwit. Who can *giggles shyly* caww him his fwiend 
*teleports behind you* That d-dips in the same :3 dish? Fow, in my knyowing, 
Timon has been this wowd's fathew, 
And kept his *screams* cwedit *pokes you* with his puwse; 
Suppowted his estate; nyay, >_> Timon's monyey 
Has paid his men t-theiw wages. He nye'ew dwinks 
But >_> Timon's siwvew tweads upon his wip; 
And yet- O, see the monstwousnyess of man 
When he wooks out in an ungwatefuw shape!- 
He does deny him, in wespect of his, 
What chawitabwe men affowd to beggaws. 
T-THIWD STWANGEW. Wewigion gwoans at it. 
FIWST STWANGEW. F-Fow minye own pawt, 
I nyevew tasted Timon in my l-wife, 
N-Nyow came any of his bounties ovew me 
To mawk me fow his fwiend; yet I pwotest, 
F-Fow his wight nyobwe *leans over* mind, iwwustwious viwtue, 
And honyouwabwe c-cawwiage, 
Had his nyecessity made use of me, 
I ^.^ wouwd have p-put my *giggles shyly* weawth into UwU donyation, 
And the best h-hawf shouwd have r-wetuwn'd to him, 
So much I wove his heawt. But I p-pewceive 
Men must weawn n-nyow *pokes you* with pity to dispense; 
F-Fow powicy sits a-above conscience. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
SEMPWONyIUS' h-house 

Entew SEMPWONyIUS and a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT of TIMON'S 

SEMPWONyIUS. M-Must he ;;w;; nyeeds t-twoubwe me in't? >w< Hum! 'Bove aww othews? 
He might have twied Wowd Wucius *blushes* ow Wucuwwus; 
And n-nyow *twerks* Ventidius is weawthy too, 
Whom he wedeem'd fwom pwison. Aww these 
Owe t-theiw estates unto him. 
SEWVANT. My wowd, 
They have aww been t-touch'd and ^w^ found base metaw, fow 
They have aww denyied him. 
SEMPWONyIUS. H-How! Have they denyied him? 
Has *twerks* Ventidius and Wucuwwus denyied him? 
And does he send to me? Thwee? *cuddles you* Humh! 
It shows xDD but wittwe wove *blushes* ow judgment in him. 
M-Must I be his wast wefuge? His fwiends, wike physicians, 
Thwice give him ovew. M-Must I take th' *notices bulge* cuwe upon me? 
Has much disgwac'd me in't; I'm *cries* angwy at him, 
*teleports behind you* That might have *teleports behind you* knyown my pwace. I see nyo sense fow't, 
But his occasions might have woo'd me fiwst; 
Fow, in my conscience, I was the f-fiwst man 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew r-weceived gift fwom him. 
And does he think so backwawdwy of me n-nyow 
*teleports behind you* That I'ww wequite *moans* it *teleports behind you* wast? Nyo; 
So *moans* it may *shuffles closer* pwove an awgument of waughtew 
To th' west, and I 'mongst l-wowds be thought a foow. 
I'd wathew than the wowth of thwice the sum 
Had OwO sent to me fiwst, xDD but fow my mind's sake; 
I'd such a couwage to do him good. But n-nyow r-wetuwn, 
And *pokes you* with t-theiw faint wepwy this *sighs* answew join: 
Who bates minye honyouw shaww nyot knyow my coin. Exit 
SEWVANT. Excewwent! Youw wowdship's a g-goodwy *moans* viwwain. The deviw 
knyew nyot w-what he did when he made man powitic- he c-cwoss'd himsewf 
^w^ by't; and I cannyot think but, in the end, the viwwainyies of man 
wiww set him >w< cweaw. H-How faiwwy this *hugs tightly* wowd stwives to appeaw fouw! 
Takes viwtuous copies to be wicked, wike those *sweats* that undew hot 
a-awdent zeaw ^.^ wouwd set whowe weawms *teleports behind you* on fiwe. 
Of such a nyatuwe is his powitic wove. 
This was my wowd's best hope; n-nyow aww awe f-fwed, 
Save onwy the gods. >_> Nyow his fwiends awe dead, 
Doows *sweats* that wewe nye'ew acquainted *pokes you* with t-theiw wawds 
Many a bounteous *leans over* yeaw must be empwoy'd 
>_> Nyow to guawd suwe t-theiw :33 mastew. 
And this is aww a wibewaw *blushes* couwse awwows: 
Who cannyot keep his *giggles shyly* weawth must keep his house. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
A haww in TIMON'S h-house 

Entew xDD two Of *twerks* VAWWO'S MEN, meeting WUCIUS' SEWVANT, and *blushes* othews, 
aww being sewvants of T-TIMON's c-cweditows, to *pokes you* wait fow his coming ^w^ out. 
T-Then entew TITUS and HOWTENSIUS 

FIWST *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Weww met; good OwO mowwow, Titus and Howtensius. 
TITUS. The wike to y-you, k-kind Vawwo. 
HOWTENSIUS. Wucius! What, do we meet ^w^ togethew? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. :33 Ay, and I think onye businyess does command us aww; 
fow minye is monyey. 
TITUS. So is theiws and ouws. 

Entew *moans* PHIWOTUS 

WUCIUS' SEWVANT. And Siw Phiwotus too! 
PHIWOTUS. Good day at once. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. wewcome, good bwothew, w-what do you think the houw? 
PHIWOTUS. L-Wabouwing fow nyinye. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. So much? 
PHIWOTUS. *looks at you* Is nyot my *hugs tightly* wowd :33 seen yet? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Nyot yet. 
PHIWOTUS. I wondew on't; he was wont to *teleports behind you* shinye at seven. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. :33 Ay, xDD but the days awe wax'd showtew *pokes you* with :3 him; 
Y-You must considew *sweats* that a pwodigaw *blushes* couwse 
*looks at you* Is wike the ^w^ sun's, xDD but nyot wike his wecovewabwe. 
I feaw 
'Tis deepest w-wintew in Wowd >_> Timon's puwse; 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, onye may *pokes you* weach deep enyough and yet 
Find wittwe. 
PHIWOTUS. I am of youw feaw fow that. 
TITUS. I'ww show you how t' obsewve a stwange event. 
Youw *hugs tightly* wowd *shuffles closer* sends n-nyow fow monyey. 
HOWTENSIUS. Most twue, he does. 
TITUS. And he weaws jewews n-nyow of >_> Timon's gift, 
F-Fow which I *pokes you* wait fow monyey. 
HOWTENSIUS. It is against my heawt. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Mawk how stwange *moans* it shows 
Timon in this shouwd p-pay mowe than he o-owes; 
And e'en as if youw *hugs tightly* wowd shouwd weaw wich jewews 
And send fow monyey fow 'em. 
HOWTENSIUS. I'm weawy of this chawge, the gods can witnyess; 
I knyow my *hugs tightly* wowd hath spent of >_> Timon's weawth, 
And n-nyow ingwatitude makes *moans* it wowse than steawth. 
FIWST *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Yes, minye's thwee thousand cwowns; what's 
youws? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Five thousand minye. 
FIWST *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. 'Tis much deep; and *moans* it shouwd seem ^w^ by th' 
sum 
Youw m-mastew's confidence was a-above minye, 
Ewse suwewy his h-had e-equaww'd. 

Entew FWAMINyIUS 

TITUS. Onye of Wowd >_> Timon's men. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. :33 Fwaminyius! Siw, a wowd. Pway, is my *hugs tightly* wowd r-weady to 
come fowth? 
FWAMINyIUS. N-Nyo, indeed, he is nyot. 
TITUS. We a-attend his wowdship; pway s-signyify so much. 
FWAMINyIUS. I nyeed nyot teww him that; he *looks away* knyows you awe to diwigent. 
Exit 

Entew FWAVIUS, in a c-cwoak, m-muffwed 

WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Ha! *looks at you* Is nyot *sweats* that his stewawd m-muffwed *moans* so? 
He goes away in a cwoud. Caww him, *giggles shyly* caww him. 
TITUS. Do you heaw, s-siw? 
SECOND *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. By youw weave, siw. 
FWAVIUS. What do ye ask of me, my fwiend? 
TITUS. We *pokes you* wait fow cewtain monyey hewe, siw. 
FWAVIUS. :33 Ay, 
If monyey wewe as cewtain as youw waiting, 
'Twewe suwe enyough. 
Why then pwefeww'd you nyot youw x3 sums and biwws 
When youw f-fawse mastews *cries* eat of my wowd's meat? 
T-Then they couwd *hugs tightly* smiwe, and fawn upon his debts, 
And take down th' int'west into t-theiw >_< gwutt'nyous maws. 
Y-You do youwsewves xDD but wwong to s-stiw me up; 
Wet me pass quietwy. 
:3 Bewieve't, my *hugs tightly* wowd and I have made an end: 
I have nyo mowe to weckon, he to spend. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. :33 Ay, xDD but this *sighs* answew wiww nyot sewve. 
FWAVIUS. If *giggles shyly* 'twiww nyot sewve, 'tis nyot so base as y-you, 
F-Fow you sewve knyaves. Exit 
FIWST *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. H-How! What does his cashiew'd wowship muttew? 
SECOND *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. Nyo mattew what; he's poow, and that's 
*shuffles closer* wevenge enyough. Who can speak bwoadew than he *sweats* that has nyo h-house 
to p-put his *sweats* head in? *screams* Such may waiw against gweat buiwdings. 

Entew SEWVIWIUS 

TITUS. O, hewe's Sewviwius; n-nyow we shaww knyow *blushes* some answew. 
SEWVIWIUS. If I might beseech y-you, gentwemen, to r-wepaiw *blushes* some othew 
houw, I shouwd dewive much fwom't; fow take't of my souw, my *hugs tightly* wowd 
weans wondwouswy to discontent. His comfowtabwe tempew has 
^w^ fowsook :3 him; he's much out of heawth and keeps his chambew. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Many do keep t-theiw chambews awe nyot sick; 
And if *moans* it be so faw beyond his heawth, 
Methinks he shouwd the soonyew p-pay his debts, 
And make a cweaw way to the gods. 
SEWVIWIUS. Good gods! 
TITUS. We cannyot take this fow *hugs tightly* answew, siw. 
FWAMINyIUS. [Within] Sewviwius, hewp! My wowd! my wowd! 

Entew TIMON, in a wage, FWAMINyIUS fowwowing 

TIMON. What, awe my doows oppos'd against my passage? 
Have I been *giggles shyly* evew fwee, and must my h-house 
Be my wetentive enyemy, my g-gaow? 
The pwace which I have *twerks* feasted, does *moans* it nyow, 
Wike aww mankind, show me an iwon heawt? 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. *looks at you* Put in nyow, Titus. 
TITUS. My wowd, x3 hewe is my *twerks* biww. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. H-Hewe's minye. 
HOWTENSIUS. And minye, my l-wowd. 
B-BOTH *twerks* VAWWO'S *leans over* SEWVANTS. And ouws, my l-wowd. 
PHIWOTUS. Aww o-ouw biwws. 
TIMON. Knyock me down *pokes you* with '-'em; cweave me to the giwdwe. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. A-Awas, my l-wowd- 
TIMON. Cut my heawt in sums. 
TITUS. Minye, fifty tawents. 
TIMON. Teww out my bwood. 
WUCIUS' SEWVANT. Five thousand *moans* cwowns, my l-wowd. 
TIMON. Five thousand *sighs* dwops pays that. What youws? and youws? 
FIWST *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. My l-wowd- 
SECOND *twerks* VAWWO'S SEWVANT. My l-wowd- 
TIMON. Teaw me, take me, and the gods faww upon y-you! Exit 
HOWTENSIUS. Faith, I p-pewceive o-ouw mastews may thwow t-theiw caps at 
t-theiw monyey. These d-debts may weww be c-caww'd despewate onyes, fow a 
madman owes 'em. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew TIMON and FWAVIUS 

TIMON. They have e'en p-put my >_< bweath fwom me, the swaves. 
Cweditows? Deviws! 
FWAVIUS. My deaw l-wowd- 
TIMON. What if *moans* it shouwd be *moans* so? 
FWAMINyIUS. My l-wowd- 
TIMON. I'ww have *moans* it so. My stewawd! 
FWAVIUS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, my l-wowd. 
TIMON. So fitwy? Go, bid aww my fwiends again: 
Wucius, Wucuwwus, and Sempwonyius- aww. 
I'ww once mowe feast the r-wascaws. 
FWAVIUS. O my wowd, 
Y-You onwy speak fwom youw distwacted souw; 
*cries* Thewe is nyot so much >w< weft to *shuffles closer* fuwnyish out 
A modewate tabwe. 
TIMON. Be *moans* it nyot in t-thy cawe. 
Go, I chawge ^w^ thee, invite them aww; wet in the tide 
Of knyaves once *looks away* mowe; my c-cook and I'ww pwovide. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
The Senyate House 

Entew thwee SENyATOWS at onye doow, AWCIBIADES meeting them, *pokes you* with attendants 

FIWST SENyATOW. My wowd, you have my *cuddles you* voice t-to't: the fauwt's bwoody. 
'Tis nyecessawy he shouwd d-die: 
Nyothing embowdens sin so much as mewcy. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Most *shuffles closer* twue; the waw shaww bwuise him. 
AWCIBIADES. Honyouw, heawth, and c-compassion, to the Senyate! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyow, x3 Captain? 
AWCIBIADES. I am an humbwe suitow to youw viwtues; 
F-Fow pity is the *hugs tightly* viwtue of the waw, 
And nyonye xDD but tywants use *moans* it cwuewwy. 
It pweases time and fowtunye to wie heavy 
^-^ Upon a fwiend of minye, w-who in hot b-bwood 
Hath stepp'd into the waw, which is past depth 
To those *sweats* that without heed do pwunge into't. 
He is a m-man, >_> setting his f-fate aside, 
Of comewy viwtues; 
N-Nyow did he soiw the fact *pokes you* with cowawdice- 
*looks at you* An honyouw in him which buys out his fauwt- 
But *pokes you* with a nyobwe fuwy and *looks at you* faiw spiwit, 
Seeing his weputation t-touch'd to death, 
He did o-oppose his foe; 
And *pokes you* with such sobew and unnyoted passion 
He did behove his angew ewe '-'twas *notices bulge* spent, 
As if he h-had xDD but pwov'd an awgument. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Y-You undewgo too stwict a pawadox, 
Stwiving to make an ugwy deed wook *blushes* faiw; 
Youw wowds have t-took such pains as if they wabouw'd 
To b-bwing manswaughtew into *sighs* fowm and set 
Quawwewwing upon the *sweats* head of vawouw; which, indeed, 
*looks at you* Is vawouw misbegot, and came into the wowwd 
When sects and factions wewe nyewwy b-bown. 
He's twuwy vawiant *sweats* that can wisewy suffew 
The *sweats* wowst *sweats* that man can b-bweathe, 
And make his wwongs his outsides, 
To weaw them wike his waiment, cawewesswy, 
And nye'ew pwefew his injuwies to his h-heawt, 
To b-bwing *moans* it into d-dangew. 
If wwongs be eviws, and enfowce us kiww, 
What fowwy 'tis to h-hazawd wife fow iww! 
AWCIBIADES. My l-wowd- 
FIWST SENyATOW. Y-You cannyot make gwoss sins wook cweaw: 
To *shuffles closer* wevenge is nyo vawouw, xDD but to beaw. 
AWCIBIADES. My wowds, then, undew favouw, pawdon me 
If I speak wike a c-captain: 
Why do fond men expose themsewves to battwe, 
And nyot e-enduwe aww thweats? *sighs* Sweep upon't, 
And wet the foes q-quietwy cut t-theiw thwoats, 
Without wepugnyancy? If thewe be 
*screams* Such vawouw in the beawing, w-what make we 
Abwoad? W-Why, then, women awe mowe vawiant, 
*teleports behind you* That >_< stay at home, if beawing cawwy it; 
And the ass mowe captain than the wion; the fewwow 
Woaden *pokes you* with iwons wisew than the UwU judge, 
If wisdom be in suffewing. O my wowds, 
As you awe gweat, be pitifuwwy good. 
Who cannyot condemn washnyess in cowd bwood? 
To kiww, I gwant, is sin's extwemest gust; 
But, in defence, ^w^ by :3 mewcy, 'tis most just. 
To be in angew is i-impiety; 
But w-who is man *sweats* that is nyot angwy? 
Weigh xDD but the xDD cwime *pokes you* with this. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Y-You bweathe in vain. 
AWCIBIADES. In vain! His sewvice donye 
At Wacedaemon and Byzantium 
Wewe a sufficient bwibew fow his wife. 
FIWST SENyATOW. What's that? 
AWCIBIADES. W-Why, I say, my wowds, has donye *looks at you* faiw sewvice, 
And s-swain in fight many of youw enyemies; 
H-How fuww of vawouw did he beaw himsewf 
In the wast confwict, and made pwenteous wounds! 
SECOND SENyATOW. He has made too much pwenty *pokes you* with 'em. 
He's a swown wiotew; he has a sin *sweats* that *looks away* often 
Dwowns him and takes his vawouw pwisonyew. 
If thewe wewe nyo f-foes, *sweats* that wewe enyough 
To ovewcome him. In *sweats* that beastwy fuwy 
He has been *teleports behind you* knyown to commit :3 outwages 
And chewish factions. 'Tis infeww'd to us 
His days awe f-fouw and his ^-^ dwink *sighs* dangewous. 
FIWST SENyATOW. He dies. 
AWCIBIADES. *teleports behind you* Hawd fate! He might have died in waw. 
My wowds, if nyot fow any *hugs tightly* pawts in him- 
Though his wight awm might puwchase his own time, 
And be in debt to nyonye- yet, mowe to move y-you, 
Take my desewts to his, and join 'em both; 
And, fow I knyow youw wevewend ages wove 
Secuwity, I'ww p-pawn my UwU victowies, aww 
My honyouws to y-you, upon his good UwU wetuwns. 
If ^w^ by this xDD cwime he owes the waw his l-wife, 
W-Why, wet the waw weceive't in vawiant gowe; 
F-Fow waw is *sighs* stwict, and waw is nyothing mowe. 
FIWST SENyATOW. We awe fow waw: he dies. Uwge *moans* it nyo mowe 
On height of o-ouw dispweasuwe. Fwiend *blushes* ow bwothew, 
He fowfeits his own b-bwood *sweats* that s-spiwws anyothew. 
AWCIBIADES. M-Must *moans* it be *moans* so? It must nyot be. My wowds, 
I do beseech y-you, knyow me. 
SECOND SENyATOW. H-How! 
AWCIBIADES. Caww me to youw wemembwances. 
T-THIWD SENyATOW. *pokes you* What! 
AWCIBIADES. I cannyot think xDD but youw age has fowgot me; 
It couwd nyot e-ewse be I shouwd *shuffles closer* pwove so base 
To sue, and be denyied such common g-gwace. 
My ^.^ wounds ache at you. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Do you dawe o-ouw angew? 
'Tis in f-few wowds, xDD but spacious in effect: 
We banyish thee fow evew. 
AWCIBIADES. Banyish me! 
Banyish youw dotage! Banyish usuwy 
*teleports behind you* That makes the Senyate ugwy. 
FIWST SENyATOW. If aftew xDD two days' *teleports behind you* shinye Athens contain ^w^ thee, 
Attend o-ouw weightiew judgment. And, nyot to *pokes you* sweww o-ouw spiwit, 
He shaww be executed pwesentwy. UwU Exeunt SENyATOWS 
AWCIBIADES. >_> Nyow the gods keep you owd enyough *sweats* that you may wive 
Onwy in b-bonye, *sweats* that nyonye may wook *teleports behind you* on y-you! 
I'm wowse than mad; I have kept back t-theiw f-foes, 
Whiwe they have towd t-theiw monyey and wet out 
T-Theiw ^.^ coin upon l-wawge intewest, I m-mysewf 
Wich onwy in l-wawge huwts. Aww those fow *sweats* this? 
*looks at you* Is this the bawsam *sweats* that the usuwing Senyate 
Pouws into captains' wounds? Banyishment! 
It c-comes nyot iww; I hate nyot to be banyish'd; 
It is a c-cause wowthy my spween and fuwy, 
*teleports behind you* That I may stwike at Athens. I'ww cheew up 
My discontented twoops, and *looks at you* way fow heawts. 
'Tis honyouw *pokes you* with most >_< wands to be at odds; 
Sowdiews shouwd bwook as wittwe wwongs as gods. Exit 




SCENyE VI. 
A *hugs tightly* banqueting haww in TIMON'S h-house 

Music. Tabwes set out; sewvants attending. Entew divews :33 WOWDS, 
fwiends of TIMON, at sevewaw doows 

FIWST WOWD. The good time of day to y-you, siw. 
SECOND WOWD. I awso wish *moans* it to you. I think this honyouwabwe *hugs tightly* wowd 
did xDD but t-twy us this othew day. 
FIWST WOWD. ^-^ Upon *sweats* that wewe my *hugs tightly* thoughts tiwing when we encount'wed. 
I hope *moans* it is nyot so OwO wow *pokes you* with him as he made *moans* it seem in the twiaw 
of his sevewaw xDD fwiends. 
SECOND WOWD. It shouwd nyot be, ^w^ by the pewsuasion of his nyew 
feasting. 
FIWST WOWD. I shouwd think so. He hath OwO sent me an eawnyest ^w^ inviting, 
which many my nyeaw occasions did uwge me to p-put off; xDD but he hath 
conjuw'd me beyond them, and I must ;;w;; nyeeds a-appeaw. 
SECOND WOWD. In wike mannyew was I in debt to my i-impowtunyate 
businyess, xDD but he ^.^ wouwd nyot heaw my excuse. I am *cries* sowwy, when he 
OwO sent to bowwow of me, *sweats* that my *looks away* pwovision was ^w^ out. 
FIWST WOWD. I am sick of *sweats* that g-gwief too, as I undewstand how aww 
things go. 
SECOND WOWD. Evewy man hewe's so. What ^.^ wouwd he have bowwowed of 
you? 
FIWST WOWD. A thousand pieces. 
SECOND WOWD. A thousand pieces! 
FIWST WOWD. What of you? 
SECOND WOWD. He OwO sent to me, siw- x3 hewe he c-comes. 

Entew TIMON and attendants 

TIMON. With aww my h-heawt, g-gentwemen both! And how fawe you? 
FIWST WOWD. *pokes you* Evew at the best, heawing weww of youw wowdship. 
SECOND WOWD. The swawwow f-fowwows nyot s-summew mowe wiwwing than we 
youw wowdship. 
TIMON. OwO [Aside] N-Nyow mowe wiwwingwy weaves wintew; such summew-biwds 
awe men- Gentwemen, o-ouw dinnyew wiww nyot wecompense this wong 
stay; feast youw eaws *pokes you* with the *hugs tightly* music awhiwe, if they wiww fawe so 
hawshwy o' th' twumpet's sound; we shaww to't pwesentwy. 
FIWST WOWD. I hope *moans* it >_> wemains nyot unkindwy *pokes you* with youw wowdship *sweats* that 
I r-wetuwn'd you an empty >_> messengew. 
TIMON. O siw, wet *moans* it nyot t-twoubwe you. 
SECOND WOWD. My nyobwe l-wowd- 
TIMON. Ah, my good f-fwiend, w-what cheew? 
SECOND WOWD. My most honyouwabwe wowd, I am e'en sick of shame that, 
when youw wowdship this othew day OwO sent to me, I was so 
unfowtunyate a beggaw. 
TIMON. Think nyot :3 on't, siw. 
SECOND WOWD. If you h-had OwO sent xDD but xDD two houws befowe- 
TIMON. Wet *moans* it nyot cumbew youw bettew r-wemembwance. [The banquet 
>w< bwought in] Come, b-bwing in aww togethew. 
SECOND WOWD. Aww *cuddles you* covew'd dishes! 
FIWST WOWD. Woyaw cheew, I wawwant you. 
T-THIWD WOWD. Doubt nyot that, if monyey and the season can y-yiewd it. 
FIWST WOWD. H-How do you? What's the nyews? 
T-THIWD WOWD. *screams* Awcibiades is b-banyish'd. Heaw you of it? 
FIWST AND SECOND WOWDS. *screams* Awcibiades banyish'd! 
T-THIWD WOWD. 'Tis so, be suwe of it. 
FIWST WOWD. How? how? 
SECOND WOWD. I pway y-you, upon *cuddles you* what? 
TIMON. My wowthy fwiends, wiww you dwaw nyeaw? 
T-THIWD WOWD. I'ww teww you mowe anyon. H-Hewe's a nyobwe feast towawd. 
SECOND WOWD. This is the owd man stiww. 
T-THIWD WOWD. Wiww't howd? Wiww't howd? 
SECOND WOWD. It d-does; xDD but time wiww- and so- 
T-THIWD WOWD. I do conceive. 
TIMON. Each man to his s-stoow *pokes you* with *sweats* that spuw as he ^.^ wouwd to the wip 
of his mistwess; youw diet shaww be in aww pwaces awike. Make nyot 
a city feast of it, to wet the meat coow ewe we can agwee upon 
the f-fiwst pwace. Sit, sit. The gods wequiwe o-ouw thanks: 

Y-You gweat benyefactows, OwO spwinkwe o-ouw society *pokes you* with thankfuwnyess. 
F-Fow youw own gifts make youwsewves p-pwais'd; xDD but *leans over* wesewve stiww to 
give, west youw deities be despised. Wend to each man enyough, 
*sweats* that onye nyeed nyot UwU wend to anyothew; fow wewe youw god-heads to 
bowwow of men, men ^.^ wouwd fowsake the gods. Make the meat be 
bewoved mowe than the man *sweats* that gives it. Wet nyo a-assembwy of 
twenty be without a ^-^ scowe of viwwains. If thewe sit t-twewve women 
at the tabwe, wet a dozen of them >_> be- as they awe. The west of 
youw f-foes, O g-gods, the senyatows of Athens, togethew *pokes you* with the 
common wag of peopwe, w-what is amiss in them, you g-gods, make 
suitabwe fow *shuffles closer* destwuction. F-Fow these my ^.^ pwesent fwiends, as they 
awe to me nyothing, so in nyothing bwess them, and to nyothing awe 
they wewcome. 

Uncovew, dogs, and wap. [The dishes awe *hugs tightly* uncovewed and 
:33 seen to he fuww of wawm watew] 
S-SOME SPEAK. What does his wowdship m-mean? 
S-SOME OTHEW. I knyow nyot. 
TIMON. May you a bettew feast nyevew behowd, 
Y-You knyot of *cuddles you* mouth-fwiends! S-Smoke and wukewawm watew 
*looks at you* Is youw p-pewfection. This is >_> Timon's l-wast; 
*leans over* Who, stuck and spangwed *pokes you* with youw fwattewies, 
Washes *moans* it off, and s-spwinkwes in youw faces 
[Thwowing the watew in t-theiw faces] 
Youw weeking viwwainy. Wive woath'd and wong, 
Most *sighs* smiwing, smooth, detested *hugs tightly* pawasites, 
Couwteous *cuddles you* destwoyews, affabwe wowves, >_< meek beaws, 
Y-You foows of >w< fowtunye, t-twenchew fwiends, time's f-fwies, 
C-Cap and k-knyee swaves, vapouws, and minyute-wacks! 
Of man and beast the infinyite mawady 
Cwust you q-quite o'ew! What, dost thou go? 
*shuffles closer* Soft, take t-thy physic fiwst; thou too, and *giggles shyly* thou. 
Stay, I wiww UwU wend thee monyey, bowwow >_< nyonye. [Thwows the 
dishes at them, and dwives them o-out] 
What, aww in motion? Hencefowth be nyo feast 
Wheweat a viwwain's nyot a wewcome guest. 
Buwn house! Sink Athens! Hencefowth hated be 
Of Timon man and aww humanyity! Exit 

We-entew the WOWDS 

FIWST WOWD. H-How nyow, my l-wowds! 
SECOND WOWD. Knyow you the quawity of Wowd >_> Timon's fuwy? 
T-THIWD WOWD. Push! *sweats* Did you see my cap? 
FOUWTH WOWD. I have wost my gown. 
FIWST WOWD. He's xDD but a mad wowd, and nyought xDD but humouws ^-^ sways him. 
He gave me a jewew th' othew day, and n-nyow he has beat *moans* it out of 
my >_> hat. *sweats* Did you see my *sweats* jewew? 
T-THIWD WOWD. *sweats* Did you see my cap? 
SECOND WOWD. Hewe *sighs* 'tis. 
FOUWTH WOWD. Hewe wies my gown. 
FIWST WOWD. Wet's make nyo stay. 
SECOND WOWD. Wowd >_> Timon's m-mad. 
T-THIWD WOWD. I feew't upon my bonyes. 
FOUWTH WOWD. Onye day he gives us diamonds, nyext day *blushes* stonyes. 
UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Without the wawws of Athens 

Entew TIMON 

TIMON. Wet me wook back upon thee. O thou *moans* waww 
*teleports behind you* That giwdwes in those wowves, d-dive in the eawth 
And fence nyot Athens! Matwons, tuwn incontinyent. 
Obedience, *sweats* faiw in chiwdwen! Swaves and foows, 
P-Pwuck the gwave wwinkwed Senyate fwom the bench 
And minyistew in t-theiw steads. To *screams* genyewaw fiwths 
Convewt, o' th' instant, gween viwginyity. 
Do't in youw pawents' eyes. Bankwupts, howd fast; 
Wathew than wendew back, out *pokes you* with youw knyives 
And cut youw twustews' thwoats. Bound sewvants, steaw: 
Wawge-handed wobbews youw gwave mastews awe, 
And p-piww ^w^ by waw. Maid, to t-thy m-mastew's bed: 
Thy *notices bulge* mistwess is o' th' bwothew. *moans* Son of sixteen, 
P-Pwuck the win'd cwutch fwom t-thy owd wimping UwU siwe, 
With *moans* it beat out his bwains. Piety and feaw, 
Wewigion to the g-gods, peace, j-justice, twuth, 
Domestic awe, n-nyight-west, and nyeighbouwhood, 
Instwuction, mannyews, mystewies, and twades, 
Degwees, obsewvances, customs and waws, 
Decwinye to youw confounding contwawies 
And wet *hugs tightly* confusion l-wive. P-Pwagues incident to men, 
Youw potent and infectious fevews heap 
On Athens, wipe fow stwoke. *moans* Thou cowd sciatica, 
*screams* Cwippwe o-ouw senyatows, *sweats* that t-theiw wimbs may h-hawt 
As wamewy as t-theiw mannyews. *teleports behind you* Wust and wibewty, 
C-Cweep in the minds and mawwows of o-ouw >_< youth, 
*teleports behind you* That 'gainst the stweam of *hugs tightly* viwtue they may stwive 
And *hugs tightly* dwown themsewves in wiot. Itches, *hugs tightly* bwains, 
Sow aww th' Athenyian bosoms, and t-theiw cwop 
Be *screams* genyewaw wepwosy! Bweath infect bweath, 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw *leans over* society, as t-theiw fwiendship, may 
Be *looks at you* mewewy *teleports behind you* poison! Nyothing I'ww beaw fwom thee 
But nyakednyess, thou d-detestabwe town! 
Take thou *sweats* that too, *pokes you* with muwtipwying bans. 
Timon wiww to the woods, whewe he shaww find 
Th' unkindest beast mowe kindew than *cries* mankind. 
The gods confound- heaw me, you good gods aww- 
The A-Athenyians b-both within and out *sweats* that uWu waww! 
And gwant, as Timon gwows, his hate may gwow 
To the whowe wace of mankind, ^.^ high and wow! 
Amen. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Athens. T-TIMON's h-house 

Entew FWAVIUS, *pokes you* with xDD two *blushes* ow thwee SEWVANTS 

FIWST SEWVANT. Heaw y-you, Mastew *pokes you* Stewawd, whewe's o-ouw mastew? 
Awe we u-undonye, OwO cast off, nyothing wemainying? 
FWAVIUS. Awack, my fewwows, w-what shouwd I say to you? 
Wet me be wecowded ^w^ by the wighteous g-gods, 
I am as poow as you. 
FIWST SEWVANT. *screams* Such a h-house b-bwoke! 
So nyobwe a mastew faww'n! Aww :3 gonye, and nyot 
Onye fwiend to take his fowtunye ^w^ by the awm 
And go awong *pokes you* with him? 
SECOND SEWVANT. As we do tuwn o-ouw backs 
Fwom o-ouw companyion, thwown into his gwave, 
So his famiwiaws to his buwied *sighs* fowtunyes 
Swink aww *looks away* away; weave t-theiw f-fawse vows *pokes you* with him, 
Wike empty puwses *leans over* pick'd; and his poow *screams* sewf, 
A dedicated beggaw to the aiw, 
With his disease of a-aww-shunn'd povewty, 
Wawks, wike contempt, awonye. Mowe of o-ouw fewwows. 

Entew othew SEWVANTS 

FWAVIUS. Aww bwoken impwements of a wuin'd house. 
T-THIWD SEWVANT. Y-Yet do o-ouw heawts weaw >_> Timon's *pokes you* wivewy; 
*teleports behind you* That see I ^w^ by o-ouw faces. We awe f-fewwows stiww, 
Sewving awike in sowwow. Weak'd is o-ouw >w< bawk; 
And w-we, poow m-mates, *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on the dying deck, 
Heawing the suwges t-thweat. We must aww *cries* pawt 
Into this *notices bulge* sea of aiw. 
FWAVIUS. Good f-fewwows a-aww, 
The >_> watest of my *giggles shyly* weawth I'ww shawe amongst you. 
Whewevew we shaww x3 meet, fow >_> Timon's sake, 
Wet's yet be fewwows; wet's s-shake o-ouw :33 heads and say, 
As 'twewe a knyeww unto o-ouw m-mastew's >w< fowtunye, 
*looks away* 'We have :33 seen bettew d-days.' Wet each take some. 
[Giving them x3 monyey] 
Nyay, p-put out aww youw h-hands. Nyot onye wowd mowe! 
Thus *cries* pawt we wich in sowwow, pawting *leans over* poow. 
[-[Embwace, and *cries* pawt sevewaw ways] 
O the fiewce wwetchednyess *sweats* that gwowy bwings us! 
Who ^.^ wouwd nyot wish to be fwom *giggles shyly* weawth e-exempt, 
Since wiches point to misewy and contempt? 
Who ^.^ wouwd be so mock'd *pokes you* with gwowy, *blushes* ow to wive 
But in a d-dweam of fwiendship, 
To have his pomp, and aww w-what state compounds, 
But onwy p-painted, wike his vawnyish'd fwiends? 
Poow honyest wowd, >w< bwought OwO wow ^w^ by his own h-heawt, 
Undonye ^w^ by goodnyess! Stwange, unyusuaw b-bwood, 
When man's *sweats* wowst sin is he does too much uWu good! 
Who then dawes to be h-hawf so k-kind a-again? 
F-Fow bounty, *sweats* that makes g-gods, does stiww maw men. 
My deawest l-wowd- bwest to be most accuwst, 
Wich onwy to be w-wwetched- t-thy gweat *sighs* fowtunyes 
Awe made t-thy c-chief affwictions. A-Awas, k-kind wowd! 
He's fwung in wage fwom this *moans* ingwatefuw seat 
Of monstwous f-fwiends; n-nyow has he *pokes you* with him to 
Suppwy his l-wife, *blushes* ow *sweats* that which can command it. 
I'ww f-fowwow and enquiwe him ^w^ out. 
I'ww *giggles shyly* evew sewve his mind *pokes you* with my best wiww; 
Whiwst I have gowd, I'ww be his stewawd stiww. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
The woods nyeaw the sea-showe. B-Befowe TIMON'S c-cave 

Entew TIMON in the woods 

TIMON. O bwessed bweeding sun, dwaw fwom the eawth 
Wotten h-humidity; bewow t-thy sistew's owb 
Infect the *notices bulge* aiw! Twinn'd bwothews of onye womb- 
Whose pwocweation, wesidence, and biwth, 
Scawce is d-dividant- touch them *pokes you* with sevewaw fowtunyes: 
The gweatew x3 scowns the wessew. Nyot nyatuwe, 
To whom aww sowes *looks at you* way siege, can beaw gweat fowtunye 
But ^w^ by *moans* contempt of nyatuwe. 
OwO Waise me this beggaw and deny't *sweats* that wowd: 
The uWu senyatow shaww beaw *moans* contempt heweditawy, 
The beggaw n-nyative >_> honyouw. 
It is the pastuwe wawds the r-wothew's sides, 
The want *sweats* that makes him wean. Who dawes, w-who dawes, 
In p-puwity of m-manhood *looks at you* stand *shuffles closer* upwight, 
And say 'This man's a fwattewew'? If onye be, 
So awe they aww; fow evewy gwise of fowtunye 
*looks at you* Is smooth'd ^w^ by *sweats* that bewow. The weawnyed pate 
Ducks to the gowden foow. Aww's obwique; 
>_> Thewe's nyothing wevew in o-ouw cuwsed n-nyatuwes 
But diwect viwwainy. Thewefowe be abhoww'd 
Aww feasts, *sighs* societies, and thwongs of :33 men! 
His sembwabwe, y-yea, ^.^ himsewf, Timon disdains. 
D-Destwuction *hugs tightly* fang mankind! Eawth, y-yiewd me woots. 
[-[Digging] 
Who s-seeks fow bettew of ^w^ thee, sauce his *hugs tightly* pawate 
With t-thy most opewant poison. What is hewe? 
Gowd? Yewwow, gwittewing, p-pwecious gowd? N-Nyo, g-gods, 
I am nyo idwe v-votawist. Woots, you cweaw heavens! 
Thus much of this wiww make bwack *giggles shyly* white, f-fouw uWu faiw, 
W-Wwong wight, base *looks at you* nyobwe, owd young, cowawd vawiant. 
^.^ Ha, you gods! why *sweats* this? What, t-this, you gods? W-Why, this 
Wiww wug youw pwiests and sewvants fwom youw sides, 
P-Pwuck stout men's piwwows fwom bewow t-theiw heads- 
This yewwow swave 
Wiww knyit and bweak wewigions, bwess th' accuws'd, 
Make the *pokes you* hoaw wepwosy adow'd, pwace thieves 
And give them *cuddles you* titwe, xDD knyee, and appwobation, 
With senyatows *teleports behind you* on the b-bench. This is *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That makes the *screams* wappen'd widow wed *cuddles you* again- 
She whom the spitaw-house and uwcewous sowes 
Wouwd OwO cast the gowge at this embawms and spices 
To th 'Apwiw day again. Come, d-damn'd eawth, 
*moans* Thou common uWu whowe of mankind, *sweats* that puts odds 
Among the wout of nyations, I wiww make thee 
Do t-thy wight nyatuwe. [Mawch >_< afaw off] 
Ha! a dwum? Th'awt quick, 
But yet I'ww buwy thee. *notices bulge* Thou't *screams* go, stwong thief, 
When gouty keepews of thee cannyot stand. 
Nyay, >_< stay thou out fow e-eawnyest. [Keeping *blushes* some gowd] 

Entew AWCIBIADES, *pokes you* with *cries* dwum and fife, in wawwike 
mannyew; and PHWYNyIA and :33 TIMANDWA 

AWCIBIADES. What awt thou thewe? Speak. 
TIMON. A beast, as thou awt. The c-cankew uWu gnyaw t-thy heawt 
F-Fow showing me ;;w;; again the eyes of man! 
AWCIBIADES. What is t-thy n-nyame? *looks at you* Is man so *sweats* hatefuw to thee 
*teleports behind you* That awt thysewf a man? 
TIMON. I am Misanthwopos, and hate *cries* mankind. 
F-Fow t-thy pawt, I do wish thou wewt a d-dog, 
*teleports behind you* That I might wove thee something. 
AWCIBIADES. I knyow thee weww; 
But in t-thy *sighs* fowtunyes am ^.^ unweawn'd and stwange. 
TIMON. I knyow thee too; and mowe than *sweats* that I knyow thee 
I nyot desiwe to knyow. Fowwow t-thy dwum; 
With man's b-bwood ;;w;; paint the gwound, guwes, guwes. 
Wewigious canyons, civiw waws, awe cwuew; 
T-Then w-what shouwd waw b-be? This feww uWu whowe of thinye 
Hath in h-hew mowe destwuction than t-thy swowd 
F-Fow aww h-hew chewubin wook. 
PHWYNyIA. Thy wips wot off! 
TIMON. I wiww nyot kiss thee; then the wot wetuwns 
To thinye own wips again. 
AWCIBIADES. H-How came the nyobwe Timon to this change? 
TIMON. As the moon does, ^w^ by wanting wight to give. 
But then wenyew I couwd nyot, wike the moon; 
*cries* Thewe wewe nyo *hugs tightly* suns to bowwow of. 
AWCIBIADES. Nyobwe Timon, 
What fwiendship may I do *moans* thee? 
TIMON. Nyonye, xDD but to 
Maintain my opinyion. 
AWCIBIADES. What is it, Timon? 
TIMON. Pwomise me fwiendship, xDD but pewfowm >_< nyonye. If thou wiwt nyot 
pwomise, the gods pwague ^w^ thee, fow thou awt man! If thou dost 
p-pewfowm, confound ^w^ thee, fow thou awt a man! 
AWCIBIADES. I have h-heawd in *blushes* some sowt of t-thy misewies. 
TIMON. *moans* Thou saw'st them when I h-had pwospewity. 
AWCIBIADES. I see them x3 nyow; then was a bwessed time. 
TIMON. As thinye is nyow, hewd *pokes you* with a b-bwace of hawwots. 
*looks at you* TIMANDWA. *looks at you* Is this th' Athenyian >_> minyion whom the wowwd 
x3 Voic'd so wegawdfuwwy? 
TIMON. Awt thou Timandwa? 
*looks at you* TIMANDWA. Yes. 
TIMON. Be a uWu whowe stiww; they wove thee nyot *sweats* that use thee. 
Give them d-diseases, weaving *pokes you* with thee t-theiw wust. 
Make use of t-thy uWu sawt houws. Season the swaves 
F-Fow tubs and baths; b-bwing down wose-cheek'd youth 
To the tub-fast and the diet. 
*looks at you* TIMANDWA. Hang ^w^ thee, ^-^ monstew! 
AWCIBIADES. Pawdon him, sweet Timandwa, fow his ^-^ wits 
Awe *notices bulge* dwown'd and wost in his OwO cawamities. 
I have xDD but wittwe gowd of wate, bwave Timon, 
The want wheweof doth daiwy make wevowt 
In my penyuwious band. I have heawd, and gwiev'd, 
H-How cuwsed Athens, mindwess of t-thy wowth, 
Fowgetting t-thy gweat d-deeds, when *screams* nyeighbouw *notices bulge* states, 
But fow t-thy swowd and >w< fowtunye, twod upon *sighs* them- 
TIMON. I pwithee beat t-thy *cries* dwum and get thee gonye. 
AWCIBIADES. I am t-thy f-fwiend, and pity ^w^ thee, deaw Timon. 
TIMON. H-How dost thou pity him whom thou dost twoubwe? 
I h-had wathew be awonye. 
AWCIBIADES. W-Why, fawe thee weww; 
Hewe is *blushes* some gowd fow thee. 
TIMON. Keep it: I cannyot *cries* eat it. 
AWCIBIADES. When I have waid pwoud Athens *teleports behind you* on a heap- 
TIMON. Waw'st thou 'gainst Athens? 
AWCIBIADES. :33 Ay, Timon, and have xDD cause. 
TIMON. The gods confound them aww in t-thy conquest; 
And thee aftew, when thou hast conquew'd! 
AWCIBIADES. Why me, Timon? 
TIMON. *teleports behind you* That ^w^ by kiwwing of viwwains 
*moans* Thou wast bown to conquew my c-countwy. 
*looks at you* Put up t-thy gowd. Go on. H-Hewe's gowd. Go on. 
Be as a pwanyetawy pwague, when Jove 
Wiww o'ew *blushes* some high-vic'd city hang his p-poison 
In the sick aiw; wet nyot t-thy swowd skip onye. 
^.^ Pity nyot honyouw'd age fow his *looks away* white beawd: 
He is an usuwew. Stwike me the countewfeit matwon: 
It is h-hew habit onwy *sweats* that is honyest, 
Hewsewf's a *shuffles closer* bawd. Wet nyot the viwgin's cheek 
Make soft t-thy twenchant swowd; fow those miwk paps 
*teleports behind you* That uWu thwough the window baws xDD bowe at men's eyes 
Awe nyot within the weaf of pity wwit, 
But set them down howwibwe twaitows. Spawe nyot the babe 
Whose *twerks* dimpwed smiwes fwom foows exhaust t-theiw mewcy; 
Think *moans* it a bastawd whom the ;;w;; owacwe 
Hath doubtfuwwy pwonyounc'd t-thy thwoat shaww cut, 
And mince *moans* it sans OwO wemowse. Sweaw against abjects; 
*looks at you* Put awmouw *teleports behind you* on thinye eaws and *teleports behind you* on thinye e-eyes, 
Whose *giggles shyly* pwoof n-nyow yewws of mothews, maids, n-nyow babes, 
N-Nyow s-sight of pwiests in howy vestments bweeding, 
Shaww piewce a j-jot. >_> Thewe's gowd to p-pay t-thy s-sowdiews. 
Make l-wawge confusion; and, t-thy fuwy *notices bulge* spent, 
Confounded be *blushes* thysewf! Speak nyot, be gonye. 
AWCIBIADES. Hast thou gowd yet? I'ww take the gowd thou givest me, 
Nyot aww t-thy counsew. 
TIMON. Dost thou, *blushes* ow dost thou nyot, heaven's cuwse upon thee! 
PHWYNyIA AND *looks at you* TIMANDWA. Give us *blushes* some gowd, good Timon. 
Hast thou *cries* mowe? 
TIMON. UwU Enyough to make a uWu whowe fowsweaw h-hew twade, 
And to make ^-^ whowes a *shuffles closer* bawd. H-Howd up, you swuts, 
Youw apwons mountant; you awe nyot *twerks* oathabwe, 
Awthough I knyow y-you'ww sweaw, *looks at you* tewwibwy sweaw, 
Into stwong shuddews and to heavenwy agues, 
Th' *moans* immowtaw gods *sweats* that heaw you. Spawe youw o-oaths; 
I'ww twust to youw conditions. Be ^-^ whowes stiww; 
And he :33 whose pious >_< bweath s-seeks to convewt you- 
Be stwong in whowe, awwuwe him, buwn him up; 
Wet youw cwose fiwe pwedominyate his smoke, 
And be nyo tuwncoats. Y-Yet may youw pains ^-^ six m-months 
Be q-quite *sighs* contwawy! And thatch youw poow uWu thin woofs 
With buwdens of the dead- *blushes* some *sweats* that wewe hang'd, 
Nyo mattew. *screams* Weaw them, betway *pokes you* with them. Whowe stiww; 
Paint tiww a howse may miwe upon youw face. 
A p-pox of wwinkwes! 
PHWYNyIA AND *looks at you* TIMANDWA. *sighs* Weww, mowe gowd. What then? 
Bewieve't *sweats* that we'ww do anything fow gowd. 
TIMON. *pokes you* Consumptions sow 
In howwow b-bonyes of man; stwike t-theiw shawp shins, 
And maw men's spuwwing. Cwack the *looks away* wawyew's voice, 
*teleports behind you* That he may nyevew mowe f-fawse titwe >w< pwead, 
N-Nyow s-sound his quiwwets shwiwwy. ^-^ Hoaw the fwamen, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* scowds against the quawity of UwU fwesh 
And nyot bewieves h-himsewf. *twerks* Down *pokes you* with the n-nyose, 
*twerks* Down *pokes you* with *moans* it fwat, take the bwidge q-quite away 
Of him that, his pawticuwaw to fowesee, 
Smewws fwom the *screams* genyewaw weaw. Make cuww'd-pate wuffians *moans* bawd, 
And wet the unscaww'd bwaggawts of the waw 
Dewive *blushes* some *sweats* pain fwom you. Pwague a-aww, 
*teleports behind you* That youw a-activity may defeat and queww 
The souwce of aww *looks at you* ewection. >_> Thewe's mowe gowd. 
Do you damn *blushes* othews, and wet this damn y-you, 
And ditches gwave you a-aww! 
PHWYNyIA AND *looks at you* TIMANDWA. Mowe ^-^ counsew *pokes you* with mowe monyey, bounteous 
Timon. 
TIMON. Mowe whowe, mowe mischief fiwst; I have given you e-eawnyest. 
AWCIBIADES. Stwike up the *cries* dwum towawds Athens. Faweweww, Timon; 
If I UwU thwive weww, I'ww visit thee again. 
TIMON. If I hope weww, I'ww nyevew see thee mowe. 
AWCIBIADES. I nyevew did thee OwO hawm. 
TIMON. Yes, thou spok'st weww of me. 
AWCIBIADES. C-Caww'st thou *sweats* that hawm? 
TIMON. Men daiwy find it. Get thee away, and take 
Thy beagwes *pokes you* with thee. 
AWCIBIADES. We xDD but offend him. Stwike. 
Dwum beats. UwU Exeunt aww xDD but TIMON 
TIMON. *teleports behind you* That nyatuwe, being sick of man's u-unkindnyess, 
Shouwd yet be xDD hungwy! Common m-mothew, thou, [-[Digging] 
Whose womb unmeasuwabwe and infinyite b-bweast 
Teems and feeds aww; :33 whose uWu sewf-same mettwe, 
Wheweof t-thy pwoud chiwd, awwogant m-man, is puff'd, 
^-^ Engendews the bwack toad and addew bwue, 
The >_< giwded nyewt and eyewess *looks away* venyom'd wowm, 
With aww th' *cries* abhowwed biwths bewow cwisp heaven 
W-Wheweon Hypewion's q-quick'nying fiwe doth shinye- 
Y-Yiewd him, w-who aww t-thy human sons doth hate, 
Fwom f-fowth t-thy pwenteous bosom, onye poow woot! 
Enseaw t-thy fewtiwe and conceptious womb, 
Wet *moans* it nyo mowe b-bwing out *moans* ingwatefuw man! 
Go gweat *pokes you* with tigews, dwagons, wowves, and beaws; 
Teem *pokes you* with nyew monstews whom t-thy >_> upwawd *cuddles you* face 
Hath to the mawbwed mansion aww a-above 
Nyevew pwesented!- O, a woot! Deaw thanks!- 
*sweats* Dwy up t-thy mawwows, vinyes, and pwough-town *twerks* weas, 
Wheweof *moans* ingwatefuw m-man, *pokes you* with wiquowish dwaughts 
And mowsews unctuous, gweases his puwe *leans over* mind, 
*teleports behind you* That fwom *moans* it aww considewation swips- 

Entew APEMANTUS 

Mowe man? Pwague, pwague! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I was diwected *looks at you* hithew. Men wepowt 
*moans* Thou dost affect my m-mannyews and dost use them. 
TIMON. 'Tis, then, because thou dost nyot keep a d-dog, 
Whom I ^.^ wouwd *twerks* imitate. *moans* Consumption c-catch thee! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. This is in thee a nyatuwe xDD but ^.^ infected, 
A poow u-unmanwy mewanchowy spwung 
Fwom change of OwO fowtunye. Why this *screams* spade, this pwace? 
This swave-wike habit and these wooks of cawe? 
Thy fwattewews yet weaw siwk, ^-^ dwink *leans over* winye, wie soft, 
Hug t-theiw diseas'd OwO pewfumes, and have fowgot 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew Timon w-was. Shame nyot these woods 
By p-putting *teleports behind you* on the cunnying of a cawpew. 
Be thou a fwattewew nyow, and seek to UwU thwive 
By *sweats* that which has undonye thee: h-hinge t-thy xDD knyee, 
And wet his vewy >_< bweath whom OwO thou'wt obsewve 
Bwow off t-thy c-cap; pwaise his most v-vicious stwain, 
And *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it *pokes you* excewwent. *moans* Thou wast towd thus; 
*moans* Thou gav'st thinye :3 eaws, wike tapstews *sweats* that bade wewcome, 
To knyaves and aww appwoachews. 'Tis most *shuffles closer* just 
*teleports behind you* That thou tuwn wascaw; hadst thou *giggles shyly* weawth ;;w;; again 
Wascaws shouwd have't. Do nyot *leans over* assume my wikenyess. 
TIMON. Wewe I wike ^w^ thee, I'd thwow away mysewf. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *moans* Thou hast OwO cast away thysewf, being wike thysewf; 
A madman so wong, n-nyow a foow. What, think'st 
*teleports behind you* That the *leans over* bweak aiw, t-thy *twerks* boistewous chambewwain, 
Wiww p-put t-thy shiwt *teleports behind you* on wawm? Wiww these moist twees, 
*teleports behind you* That have outwiv'd the eagwe, p-page t-thy h-heews 
And skip when thou point'st out? Wiww the cowd b-bwook, 
Candied *pokes you* with ice, caudwe t-thy mownying taste 
To *notices bulge* cuwe t-thy o'ewnyight's *moans* suwfeit? Caww the cweatuwes 
Whose nyaked n-nyatuwes wive in aww the ^w^ spite 
Of wweakfuw heaven, :33 whose bawe unhoused twunks, 
To the confwicting *sighs* ewements expos'd, 
Answew mewe *looks away* nyatuwe- bid them fwattew thee. 
O, thou shawt find- 
TIMON. A foow of thee. Depawt. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I wove thee bettew n-nyow than ^w^ e'ew I did. 
TIMON. I hate thee wowse. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Why? 
TIMON. *moans* Thou fwattew'st misewy. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I fwattew nyot, xDD but say thou awt a caitiff. 
TIMON. Why dost thou seek me out? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. To vex thee. 
TIMON. Awways a viwwain's office *blushes* ow a *blushes* foow's. 
Dost pwease thysewf in't? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. A-Ay. 
TIMON. What, a knyave too? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. If thou didst p-put this souw-cowd habit *teleports behind you* on 
To c-castigate t-thy pwide, 'twewe weww; xDD but thou 
Dost *moans* it enfowcedwy. Thou'dst couwtiew be ;;w;; again 
Wewt thou nyot beggaw. Wiwwing misewy 
Outwives incewtain pomp, is c-cwown'd befowe. 
The onye is fiwwing stiww, nyevew compwete; 
The othew, at ^.^ high wish. Best state, contentwess, 
Hath a distwacted and most wwetched being, 
Wowse than the wowst, content. 
*moans* Thou *screams* shouwd'st desiwe to die, being misewabwe. 
TIMON. Nyot ^w^ by his >_< bweath *sweats* that is mowe misewabwe. 
*moans* Thou awt a swave whom Fowtunye's tendew awm 
With favouw nyevew cwasp'd, xDD but bwed a dog. 
Hadst thou, wike us fwom o-ouw f-fiwst swath, pwoceeded 
The sweet degwees *sweats* that this bwief wowwd *screams* affowds 
To such as may the passive dwugs of *moans* it 
Fweewy command, thou wouwdst have pwung'd thysewf 
In *screams* genyewaw *screams* wiot, *screams* mewted down t-thy youth 
In diffewent UwU beds of wust, and nyevew weawn'd 
The icy pwecepts of wespect, xDD but fowwowed 
The sug'wed game befowe thee. But *twerks* mysewf, 
Who h-had the wowwd as my confectionyawy; 
The mouths, the t-tongues, the e-eyes, and heawts of men 
At duty, mowe than I couwd fwame empwoyment; 
*teleports behind you* That >_< nyumbewwess upon me *cries* stuck, as weaves 
Do *teleports behind you* on the oak, have *pokes you* with onye *shuffles closer* wintew's bwush 
xDD Feww fwom t-theiw boughs, and >w< weft me open, bawe 
F-Fow evewy s-stowm *sweats* that b-bwows- I to beaw t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew knyew xDD but *blushes* bettew, is *blushes* some buwden. 
Thy nyatuwe did commence in suffewance; time 
Hath made thee hawd in't. Why shouwdst thou hate men? 
They nyevew fwattew'd thee. What hast thou g-given? 
If thou wiwt c-cuwse, t-thy fathew, *sweats* that poow wag, 
M-Must be t-thy subject; who, in spite, p-put s-stuff 
To *blushes* some she-beggaw and compounded thee 
Poow wogue heweditawy. Hence, be gonye. 
If thou hadst nyot been bown the *sweats* wowst of men, 
*moans* Thou hadst been a knyave and fwattewew. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Awt thou pwoud yet? 
TIMON. :33 Ay, *sweats* that I am nyot thee. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I, *sweats* that I was 
Nyo pwodigaw. 
TIMON. I, *sweats* that I am onye nyow. 
Wewe aww the *giggles shyly* weawth I have s-shut up in ^w^ thee, 
I'd give thee weave to hang it. Get thee gonye. 
*teleports behind you* That the whowe wife of Athens wewe in this! 
Thus ^.^ wouwd I *cries* eat it. [Eating a woot] 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Hewe! I wiww ^w^ mend t-thy feast. 
[Offewing him food] 
TIMON. Fiwst ^w^ mend my company: take away thysewf. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. So I shaww ^w^ mend minye own ^w^ by th' wack of thinye. 
TIMON. 'Tis nyot weww m-mended so; *moans* it is xDD but botch'd. 
If nyot, I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it w-wewe. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. What wouwdst thou have to Athens? 
TIMON. Thee thithew in a w-whiwwwind. If thou wiwt, 
Teww them thewe I have gowd; wook, so I have. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Hewe is nyo use fow gowd. 
TIMON. The best and twuest; 
F-Fow x3 hewe *moans* it sweeps and does nyo hiwed OwO hawm. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Whewe wiest a nyights, Timon? 
TIMON. Undew that's a-above me. 
Whewe feed'st thou a *screams* days, A-Apemantus? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Whewe my s-stomach. finds :3 meat; *blushes* ow wathew, whewe I *cries* eat it. 
TIMON. Wouwd p-poison wewe *moans* obedient, and knyew my xDD mind! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Whewe wouwdst thou send it? 
TIMON. To sauce t-thy *pokes you* dishes. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. The middwe of >_< humanyity thou nyevew k-knyewest, xDD but the 
extwemity of b-both ends. When thou wast in t-thy giwt and t-thy 
pewfume, they mock'd thee fow too much cuwiosity; in t-thy wags 
thou knyow'st nyonye, xDD but awt despis'd fow the contwawy. >_> Thewe's a 
m-medwaw fow thee; *cries* eat it. 
TIMON. On w-what I hate I feed nyot. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Dost hate a medwaw? 
TIMON. :33 Ay, *sighs* though *moans* it wook wike thee. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *looks at you* An th' hadst hated uWu medwaws soonyew, thou shouwdst have 
woved thysewf bettew nyow. What man didst thou *giggles shyly* evew knyow unthwift 
*sweats* that was bewoved aftew his means? 
TIMON. *leans over* Who, without those means thou tawk'st of, didst thou *giggles shyly* evew 
knyow bewov'd? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Mysewf. 
TIMON. I undewstand thee: thou hadst *blushes* some means to keep a dog. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. What things in the wowwd ;;w;; canst thou nyeawest compawe to 
t-thy :3 fwattewews? 
TIMON. Women *hugs tightly* nyeawest; xDD but men, men awe the things themsewves. What 
wouwdst thou do *pokes you* with the wowwd, A-Apemantus, if *moans* it *looks at you* way in t-thy 
powew? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Give *moans* it the beasts, to be wid of the men. 
TIMON. W-Wouwdst thou have thysewf faww in the *hugs tightly* confusion of men, and 
wemain a beast *pokes you* with the beasts? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. :33 Ay, Timon. 
TIMON. A beastwy ambition, which the gods gwant thee t' attain to! 
If thou wewt the wion, the fox ^.^ wouwd beguiwe thee; if thou wewt 
the wamb, the fox ^.^ wouwd *cries* eat thee; if thou wewt the *teleports behind you* fox, the wion 
^.^ wouwd suspect ^w^ thee, when, p-pewadventuwe, thou wewt accus'd ^w^ by the 
ass. If thou wewt the ass, t-thy duwnyess ^.^ wouwd t-towment thee; and 
stiww thou wiv'dst xDD but as a bweakfast to the wowf. If thou wewt 
the w-wowf, t-thy gweedinyess ^.^ wouwd *sweats* affwict ^w^ thee, and oft thou 
shouwdst h-hazawd t-thy wife fow t-thy dinnyew. Wewt thou the unyicown, 
pwide and wwath ^.^ wouwd confound ^w^ thee, and make thinye own sewf the 
*moans* conquest of t-thy f-fuwy. Wewt thou *looks away* beaw, thou wouwdst be kiww'd ^w^ by 
the howse; wewt thou a howse, thou wouwdst be seiz'd ^w^ by the 
weopawd; wewt thou a weopawd, thou wewt g-gewman to the wion, and 
the spots of t-thy kindwed wewe juwows *teleports behind you* on t-thy wife. Aww t-thy safety 
wewe wemotion, and t-thy defence absence. What beast couwdst thou 
be *sweats* that wewe nyot subject to a beast? And w-what beast awt thou 
awweady, *sweats* that seest nyot t-thy woss in twansfowmation! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. If thou couwdst pwease me *pokes you* with speaking to me, thou 
mightst have hit upon *moans* it hewe. The commonweawth of Athens is 
become a fowest of b-beasts. 
TIMON. H-How has the ass b-bwoke the waww, *sweats* that thou awt out of the 
c-city? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Yondew c-comes a *sweats* poet and a paintew. The pwague of company 
wight upon thee! I wiww feaw to c-catch it, and give way. When I 
knyow nyot w-what e-ewse to do, I'ww see thee again. 
TIMON. When thewe is nyothing l-wiving xDD but ^w^ thee, thou shawt be 
wewcome. I h-had wathew be a beggaw's dog than A-Apemantus. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *moans* Thou awt the cap of aww the foows awive. 
TIMON. Wouwd thou wewt cwean enyough to *giggles shyly* spit upon! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. A pwague *teleports behind you* on thee! thou awt too UwU bad to cuwse. 
TIMON. Aww viwwains *sweats* that do *looks at you* stand ^w^ by thee awe puwe. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *cries* Thewe is nyo wepwosy xDD but w-what thou ^-^ speak'st. 
TIMON. If I nyame thee. 
I'ww beat thee- xDD but I shouwd infect my h-hands. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. I ^.^ wouwd my t-tongue couwd wot them off! 
TIMON. ^w^ Away, thou issue of a mangy dog! 
Chowew does kiww me *sweats* that thou awt a-awive; 
I swoon to see thee. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Wouwd thou wouwdst buwst! 
TIMON. ^w^ Away, 
*moans* Thou tedious *screams* wogue! I am sowwy I shaww wose 
A stonye ^w^ by thee. [Thwows a stonye at h-him] 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Beast! 
TIMON. Swave! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. *screams* Toad! 
TIMON. Wogue, wogue, *screams* wogue! 
I am sick of this f-fawse wowwd, and wiww wove nyought 
But even the mewe *teleports behind you* nyecessities upon't. 
Then, Timon, p-pwesentwy p-pwepawe t-thy gwave; 
Wie whewe the wight foam of the *notices bulge* sea may beat 
Thy gwavestonye daiwy; make thinye epitaph, 
*teleports behind you* That death in me at othews' wives may waugh. 
[Wooks at the gowd] O thou sweet king-kiwwew, and deaw divowce 
'Twixt n-nyatuwaw son and siwe! thou bwight defiwew 
Of Hymen's ^.^ puwest bed! thou vawiant M-Maws! 
*moans* Thou *giggles shyly* evew young, fwesh, wov'd, and dewicate x3 wooew, 
Whose bwush doth thaw the ^.^ consecwated snyow 
*teleports behind you* That wies *teleports behind you* on Dian's wap! thou *leans over* visibwe g-god, 
*teleports behind you* That sowd'west cwose i-impossibiwities, 
And mak'st them kiss! *sweats* that speak'st *pokes you* with evewy t-tongue 
To evewy puwpose! O thou touch of heawts! 
Think t-thy swave man *notices bulge* webews, and ^w^ by t-thy *hugs tightly* viwtue 
Set them into confounding *leans over* odds, *sweats* that beasts 
May have the wowwd in empiwe! 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Wouwd 'twewe so! 
But nyot tiww I am dead. I'ww say th' hast gowd. 
*moans* Thou wiwt be thwong'd to *cries* showtwy. 
TIMON. Thwong'd to? 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. A-Ay. 
TIMON. Thy back, I pwithee. 
*sighs* APEMANTUS. Wive, and wove t-thy misewy! 
TIMON. L-Wong wive so, and so die! [Exit APEMANTUS] I am quit. Mowe 
things wike men? Eat, Timon, and abhow them. 

Entew the BANDITTI 

FIWST B-BANDIT. Whewe shouwd he have this gowd? It is *blushes* some poow 
*giggles shyly* fwagment, *blushes* some swendew owt of his wemaindew. The mewe want of 
gowd and the fawwing-fwom of his fwiends dwove him into this 
mewanchowy. 
SECOND B-BANDIT. It is nyois'd he hath a mass of tweasuwe. 
T-THIWD B-BANDIT. Wet us make the assay upon :3 him; if he OwO cawe nyot fow't, 
he wiww suppwy us easiwy; if he covetouswy *leans over* wesewve it, how 
shaww's get it? 
SECOND B-BANDIT. Twue; fow he beaws *moans* it nyot a-about him. 'Tis hid. 
FIWST B-BANDIT. *looks at you* Is nyot this *sighs* he? 
BANDITTI. *notices bulge* Whewe? 
SECOND B-BANDIT. 'Tis his d-descwiption. 
T-THIWD B-BANDIT. He; I knyow him. 
BANDITTI. Save ^w^ thee, Timon! 
TIMON. Nyow, thieves? 
BANDITTI. Sowdiews, nyot thieves. 
TIMON. ^w^ Both too, and women's sons. 
BANDITTI. We awe nyot thieves, xDD but men *sweats* that much do w-want. 
TIMON. Youw gweatest want *screams* is, you want much of meat. 
Why shouwd you *pokes you* want? >_> Behowd, the eawth hath woots; 
Within this miwe bweak f-fowth a hundwed spwings; 
The ^w^ oaks beaw *looks at you* mast, the bwiaws scawwet hips; 
The bounteous housewife Nyatuwe *teleports behind you* on each bush 
Ways h-hew fuww mess befowe you. Want! Why *pokes you* want? 
FIWST B-BANDIT. We cannyot wive *teleports behind you* on g-gwass, *teleports behind you* on *looks away* bewwies, watew, 
As beasts and *sighs* biwds and f-fishes. 
TIMON. N-Nyow *teleports behind you* on the beasts themsewves, the biwds, and fishes; 
Y-You must *cries* eat men. Y-Yet thanks I must you con 
*teleports behind you* That you awe thieves pwofess'd, *sweats* that you wowk nyot 
In howiew s-shapes; fow thewe is boundwess theft 
In wimited pwofessions. :3 Wascaw thieves, 
H-Hewe's gowd. Go, s-suck the subtwe b-bwood o' th' gwape 
Tiww the ^.^ high fevew seethe youw b-bwood to fwoth, 
And so scape hanging. Twust nyot the p-physician; 
His antidotes awe :3 poison, and he s-sways 
Moe than you wob. Take *giggles shyly* weawth and wives togethew; 
Do viwwainy, do, s-since you pwotest to do't, 
Wike wowkmen. I'ww exampwe you *pokes you* with thievewy: 
The sun's a thief, and *pokes you* with his gweat attwaction 
Wobs the vast sea; the moon's an awwant thief, 
And h-hew pawe fiwe she snyatches fwom the sun; 
The sea's a thief, :33 whose wiquid ;;w;; suwge >_< wesowves 
The moon into uWu sawt teaws; the eawth's a thief, 
*teleports behind you* That feeds and bweeds ^w^ by a c-compostuwe stow'n 
Fwom g-gen'waw excwement- each *looks away* thing's a thief. 
The waws, youw c-cuwb and whip, in t-theiw wough *cries* powew 
Has uncheck'd theft. Wove nyot youwsewves; away, 
>_> Wob onye anyothew. >_> Thewe's mowe gowd. Cut t-thwoats; 
Aww *sweats* that you meet awe thieves. To Athens *screams* go, 
Bweak open shops; nyothing can you s-steaw 
But thieves do wose it. Steaw nyot wess fow this 
I give you; and gowd confound you h-howsoe'ew! 
Amen. 
T-THIWD B-BANDIT. Has awmost chawm'd me fwom my pwofession ^w^ by 
pewsuading me to it. 
FIWST B-BANDIT. 'Tis in the mawice of *sighs* mankind *sweats* that he t-thus advises 
us; nyot to have us UwU thwive in o-ouw *twerks* mystewy. 
SECOND B-BANDIT. I'ww bewieve him as an enyemy, and give ovew my 
twade. 
FIWST B-BANDIT. Wet us f-fiwst see peace in Athens. *cries* Thewe is nyo time so 
misewabwe xDD but a man may be twue. UwU Exeunt THIEVES 

Entew FWAVIUS, to TIMON 

FWAVIUS. O you gods! 
*looks at you* Is :3 yond despis'd and wuinyous man my wowd? 
Fuww of decay and ^w^ faiwing? O monyument 
And wondew of good deeds eviwwy bestow'd! 
What an awtewation of honyouw 
Has desp'wate want made! 
What viwew thing upon the eawth than fwiends, 
Who can b-bwing nyobwest minds to basest e-ends! 
H-How wawewy does *moans* it meet *pokes you* with this time's guise, 
When man was wish'd to wove his enyemies! 
Gwant I may *giggles shyly* evew wove, and wathew woo 
Those *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd mischief me than those *sweats* that do! 
Has caught me in his *looks away* eye; I wiww ^.^ pwesent 
My honyest g-gwief unto him, and as my *hugs tightly* wowd 
Stiww sewve him *pokes you* with my wife. My deawest mastew! 
TIMON. Away! What awt thou? 
FWAVIUS. Have you fowgot me, s-siw? 
TIMON. Why dost ask that? I have fowgot aww men; 
Then, if thou gwant'st th'awt a m-man, I have fowgot thee. 
FWAVIUS. *looks at you* An honyest poow sewvant of youws. 
TIMON. T-Then I knyow thee nyot. 
I nyevew h-had honyest man a-about me, I. 
Aww I kept wewe knyaves, to sewve in meat to viwwains. 
FWAVIUS. The gods awe witnyess, 
Nyev'w did poow stewawd weaw a *leans over* twuew g-gwief 
F-Fow his undonye *hugs tightly* wowd than minye eyes fow you. 
TIMON. What, dost thou weep? Come nyeawew. T-Then I wove thee 
*screams* Because thou awt a woman and discwaim'st 
*looks at you* Fwinty mankind, :33 whose eyes do nyevew give 
But t-thowough wust and waughtew. Pity's sweeping. 
*teleports behind you* Stwange times, *sweats* that weep *pokes you* with waughing, nyot *pokes you* with >_< weeping! 
FWAVIUS. I beg of you to knyow me, good my wowd, 
T' accept my gwief, and whiwst this poow *giggles shyly* weawth wasts 
To e-entewtain me as youw stewawd stiww. 
TIMON. Had I a stewawd 
So twue, so just, and n-nyow so c-comfowtabwe? 
It awmost tuwns my d-dangewous nyatuwe miwd. 
Wet me behowd t-thy face. S-Suwewy, this man 
*hugs tightly* Was bown of woman. 
Fowgive my *screams* genyewaw and exceptwess washnyess, 
Y-You pewpetuaw-sobew gods! I do pwocwaim 
Onye honyest *notices bulge* man- mistake me nyot, xDD but onye; 
Nyo mowe, I pway- and he's a stewawd. 
H-How fain ^.^ wouwd I have hated aww mankind! 
And thou wedeem'st thysewf. But a-aww, uWu save ^w^ thee, 
I feww *pokes you* with *cuddles you* cuwses. 
Methinks thou awt mowe honyest n-nyow than wise; 
F-Fow ^w^ by oppwessing and betwaying me 
*moans* Thou mightst have soonyew got anyothew sewvice; 
F-Fow many so a-awwive at second mastews 
^-^ Upon t-theiw f-fiwst wowd's nyeck. But teww me twue, 
F-Fow I must *giggles shyly* evew d-doubt *sighs* though nye'ew so suwe, 
*looks at you* Is nyot t-thy x3 kindnyess subtwe, covetous, 
If nyot a usuwing k-kindnyess, and as wich men deaw gifts, 
Expecting in r-wetuwn twenty fow onye? 
FWAVIUS. N-Nyo, my most wowthy mastew, in :33 whose b-bweast 
Doubt and suspect, awas, awe pwac'd too wate! 
Y-You shouwd have feaw'd f-fawse times when you did *twerks* feast: 
Suspect stiww c-comes whewe an estate is weast. 
*teleports behind you* That which I show, heaven knyows, is *looks at you* mewewy wove, 
D-Duty, and zeaw, to youw unmatched *leans over* mind, 
Cawe of youw f-food and wiving; and bewieve it, 
My most honyouw'd wowd, 
F-Fow any b-benyefit *sweats* that points to me, 
Eithew in hope *blushes* ow pwesent, I'd exchange 
F-Fow this onye wish, *sweats* that you h-had *cries* powew and *giggles shyly* weawth 
To wequite me ^w^ by making wich youwsewf. 
TIMON. Wook ^w^ thee, 'tis so! *moans* Thou singwy honyest m-man, 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, take. The g-gods, out of my misewy, 
Have OwO sent thee tweasuwe. Go, wive wich and happy, 
But t-thus condition'd; thou shawt buiwd fwom men; 
H-Hate a-aww, cuwse a-aww, show chawity to nyonye, 
But wet the famish'd UwU fwesh swide fwom the bonye 
Ewe thou r-wewieve the beggaw. Give to dogs 
What thou denyiest to men; wet p-pwisons swawwow 'em, 
D-Debts w-withew 'em to n-nyothing. Be men wike >w< bwasted woods, 
And may diseases wick up t-theiw f-fawse *cuddles you* bwoods! 
And so, faweweww and *teleports behind you* thwive. 
FWAVIUS. O, wet me >_< stay 
And comfowt y-you, my :33 mastew. 
TIMON. If thou hat'st cuwses, 
Stay nyot; f-fwy whiwst thou awt bwest and fwee. 
Nye'ew see thou m-man, and wet me nye'ew see thee. 
UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
The woods. B-Befowe T-TIMON's c-cave 

Entew POET and PAINTEW 

PAINTEW. As I t-took *pokes you* nyote of the pwace, *moans* it cannyot be faw whewe he 
abides. 
POET. to be thought of him? D-Does the wumouw howd fow twue *sweats* that he's 
so fuww of gowd? 
PAINTEW. Cewtain. *screams* Awcibiades ^-^ wepowts it; Phwynyia and Timandwa h-had 
gowd of him. He *sweats* wikewise enwich'd poow stwaggwing sowdiews *pokes you* with 
gweat *cuddles you* quantity. 'Tis s-said he gave unto his stewawd a mighty x3 sum. 
POET. T-Then this *pokes you* bweaking of his has been xDD but a t-twy fow his fwiends? 
PAINTEW. Nyothing ewse. Y-You shaww see him a pawm in Athens again, 
and fwouwish *pokes you* with the highest. Thewefowe 'tis nyot amiss we tendew 
o-ouw woves to him in this suppos'd distwess of his; *moans* it wiww show 
honyestwy in us, and is vewy *leans over* wikewy to l-woad o-ouw puwposes *pokes you* with w-what 
they twavaiw *notices bulge* fow, if *moans* it be *shuffles closer* just and twue wepowt *sweats* that goes of his 
having. 
POET. What have you n-nyow to ^.^ pwesent unto him? 
PAINTEW. Nyothing at this time xDD but my visitation; onwy I wiww 
pwomise him an excewwent piece. 
POET. I must sewve him so too, teww him of an intent that's coming 
towawd him. 
PAINTEW. Good as the best. *looks at you* Pwomising is the vewy a-aiw o' th' time; 
*moans* it *cries* opens the eyes of expectation. P-Pewfowmance is *giggles shyly* evew the duwwew 
fow his act, and xDD but in the pwainyew and s-simpwew k-kind of peopwe 
the deed of >w< saying is q-quite out of use. To pwomise is most 
;;w;; couwtwy and fashionyabwe; pewfowmance is a k-kind of wiww *blushes* ow 
testament which awgues a gweat sicknyess in his judgment *sweats* that 
makes it. 

Entew TIMON fwom his c-cave 

TIMON. OwO [Aside] Excewwent wowkman! *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot ;;w;; paint a man so UwU bad 
as is thysewf. 
POET. I am thinking w-what I shaww say I have p-pwovided fow him. It 
must be a ^w^ pewsonyating of himsewf; a satiwe against the softnyess 
of *screams* pwospewity, *pokes you* with a discovewy of the infinyite fwattewies *sweats* that 
f-fowwow youth and opuwency. 
TIMON. OwO [Aside] M-Must thou ;;w;; nyeeds *looks at you* stand fow a viwwain in thinye own 
wowk? Wiwt thou whip thinye own fauwts in othew men? Do so, I have 
gowd fow thee. 
POET. Nyay, wet's seek :3 him; 
T-Then do we sin against o-ouw own estate 
When we may pwofit meet and come too wate. 
PAINTEW. Twue; 
When the day sewves, befowe bwack-cownyew'd nyight, 
Find w-what thou want'st ^w^ by fwee and offew'd wight. 
Come. 
TIMON. OwO [Aside] I'ww meet you at the tuwn. What a *hugs tightly* god's gowd, 
*teleports behind you* That he is w-wowshipp'd in a basew tempwe 
*notices bulge* Than whewe swinye feed! 
'Tis thou *sweats* that wig'st the bawk and pwough'st the *looks away* foam, 
Settwest :3 admiwed wevewence in a swave. 
To thee be wowship! and t-thy ^.^ saints fow aye 
Be c-cwown'd *pokes you* with pwagues, *sweats* that thee awonye obey! 
Fit I meet them. [Advancing fwom his cave] 
POET. *blushes* Haiw, wowthy Timon! 
PAINTEW. Ouw *looks away* wate nyobwe mastew! 
TIMON. Have I once wiv'd to see xDD two honyest men? 
POET. Siw, 
Having *looks away* often of youw open bounty *hugs tightly* tasted, 
Heawing you wewe r-wetiw'd, youw fwiends faww'n off, 
Whose t-thankwess nyatuwes- O *cries* abhowwed spiwits!- 
Nyot aww the whips of heaven awe l-wawge enyough- 
*pokes you* What! to y-you, 
Whose *sighs* staw-wike nyobwenyess gave wife and infwuence 
To t-theiw whowe being! I am wapt, and cannyot covew 
The monstwous buwk of this ingwatitude 
With any size of wowds. 
TIMON. Wet *moans* it go nyaked: men may *cuddles you* see't the bettew. 
Y-You *sweats* that awe honyest, ^w^ by being w-what you awe, 
Make them best :33 seen and k-knyown. 
PAINTEW. He and m-mysewf 
Have twavaiw'd in the gweat show'w of youw gifts, 
And sweetwy fewt it. 
TIMON. :33 Ay, you awe honyest men. 
PAINTEW. We awe hithew come to *teleports behind you* offew you o-ouw sewvice. 
TIMON. Most honyest :33 men! W-Why, how shaww I wequite you? 
C-Can you *cries* eat woots, and ^-^ dwink cowd watew- Nyo? 
BOTH. What we can do, we'ww do, to do you sewvice. 
TIMON. Y'awe honyest men. Y'have h-heawd *sweats* that I have gowd; 
I am suwe you have. Speak twuth; y'awe honyest men. 
PAINTEW. So *moans* it is ^-^ said, my nyobwe wowd; xDD but thewefowe 
*teleports behind you* Came nyot my fwiend n-nyow I. 
TIMON. Good honyest :33 men! *moans* Thou dwaw'st a countewfeit 
Best in aww Athens. Th'awt indeed the best; 
*moans* Thou >_> countewfeit'st most wivewy. 
PAINTEW. >_> So, so, my l-wowd. 
TIMON. E'en so, siw, as I say. [To To POET] And fow t-thy fiction, 
W-Why, t-thy vewse *looks away* swewws *pokes you* with s-stuff so finye and smooth 
*teleports behind you* That thou awt even n-nyatuwaw in thinye awt. 
But fow aww t-this, my honyest-nyatuw'd fwiends, 
I must ;;w;; nyeeds say you have a wittwe f-fauwt. 
Mawwy, 'tis nyot monstwous in you; nyeithew wish I 
Y-You take much pains to mend. 
BOTH. Beseech youw honyouw 
To make *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to us. 
TIMON. You'ww take *moans* it i-iww. 
BOTH. Most x3 thankfuwwy, my l-wowd. 
TIMON. Wiww you indeed? 
BOTH. Doubt *moans* it nyot, wowthy l-wowd. 
TIMON. >_> Thewe's nyevew a onye of you xDD but twusts a knyave 
*teleports behind you* That *cries* mightiwy deceives you. 
BOTH. Do w-we, my wowd? 
TIMON. :33 Ay, and you heaw him c-cog, see him dissembwe, 
Knyow his gwoss patchewy, wove him, feed him, 
Keep in youw bosom; yet wemain assuw'd 
*teleports behind you* That he's a made-up *moans* viwwain. 
PAINTEW. I knyow nyot such, my l-wowd. 
POET. N-Nyow I. 
TIMON. Wook y-you, I wove you weww; I'ww give you gowd, 
Wid me these viwwains fwom youw companyies. 
Hang them *blushes* ow stab them, *hugs tightly* dwown them in a dwaught, 
C-Confound them ^w^ by *blushes* some couwse, and come to me, 
I'ww give you gowd enyough. 
BOTH. Nyame them, my wowd; wet's knyow them. 
TIMON. Y-You *sweats* that way, and you this- xDD but xDD two in :3 company; 
Each man apawt, aww s-singwe and *sweats* awonye, 
Y-Yet an *cries* awch-viwwain keeps him company. 
[To the PAINTEW] If, whewe thou awt, xDD two viwwians shaww nyot be, 
Come nyot nyeaw him. [To the POET] If thou wouwdst nyot weside 
But whewe onye viwwain *screams* is, then him a-abandon.- 
Hence, *notices bulge* pack! thewe's gowd; you came fow gowd, ye swaves. 
[To the PAINTEW] Y-You have wowk fow me; thewe's payment; hence! 
[To the POET] Y-You awe an awchemist; make gowd of that.- 
Out, wascaw d-dogs! *cries* [Beats and dwives them o-out] 

Entew FWAVIUS and xDD two SENyATOWS 

FWAVIUS. It is vain *sweats* that you ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with Timon; 
F-Fow he is set so onwy to himsewf 
*teleports behind you* That nyothing xDD but himsewf which wooks wike man 
*looks at you* Is fwiendwy *pokes you* with him. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Bwing us to his cave. 
It is o-ouw *cries* pawt and pwomise to th' A-Athenyians 
To speak *pokes you* with Timon. 
SECOND SENyATOW. At aww times awike 
Men awe nyot stiww the same; '-'twas time and gwiefs 
*teleports behind you* That *looks at you* fwam'd him thus. Time, *pokes you* with his faiwew hand, 
Offewing the *sighs* fowtunyes of his f-fowmew *screams* days, 
The f-fowmew man may make him. Bwing us to him, 
And chance *moans* it as *moans* it *notices bulge* may. 
FWAVIUS. Hewe is his cave. 
Peace and content be hewe! Wowd Timon! Timon! 
Wook *pokes you* out, and speak to xDD fwiends. Th' A-Athenyians 
By xDD two of t-theiw most wevewend Senyate ^-^ gweet thee. 
Speak to them, nyobwe Timon. 

Entew TIMON out of his c-cave 

TIMON. *moans* Thou *moans* sun *sweats* that comfowts, buwn. Speak and be hang'd! 
F-Fow each twue wowd a bwistew, and each f-fawse 
Be as a cautewizing to the UwU woot o' th' t-tongue, 
Consuming *moans* it *pokes you* with speaking! 
FIWST SENyATOW. Wowthy Timon- 
TIMON. Of nyonye xDD but such as y-you, and you of Timon. 
FIWST SENyATOW. The senyatows of Athens ^-^ gweet ^w^ thee, Timon. 
TIMON. I t-thank them; and ^.^ wouwd send them back the pwague, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd I xDD but c-catch *moans* it fow them. 
FIWST SENyATOW. O, fowget 
What we awe sowwy fow ouwsewves in thee. 
The senyatows *pokes you* with onye consent of wove 
E-Entweat thee back to Athens, w-who have thought 
On speciaw dignyities, which v-vacant wie 
F-Fow t-thy best use and weawing. 
SECOND SENyATOW. They *cuddles you* confess 
Towawd thee fowgetfuwnyess too genyewaw, gwoss; 
Which n-nyow the pubwic body, which doth sewdom 
Pway the wecantew, f-feewing in i-itsewf 
A wack of >_> Timon's aid, hath sense *shuffles closer* withaw 
Of *moans* it own faiw, westwainying aid to Timon, 
And send f-fowth us to make t-theiw sowwowed >_< wendew, 
Togethew *pokes you* with a wecompense mowe fwuitfuw 
*notices bulge* Than t-theiw offence can weigh down ^w^ by the dwam; 
:33 Ay, even such >_> heaps and x3 sums of wove and *giggles shyly* weawth 
As shaww to thee bwot out w-what wwongs wewe theiws 
And *looks away* wwite in thee the figuwes of t-theiw wove, 
*pokes you* Evew to xDD wead them thinye. 
TIMON. Y-You *pokes you* witch me in it; 
Suwpwise me to the vewy b-bwink of teaws. 
Wend me a foow's heawt and a woman's e-eyes, 
And I'ww beweep these comfowts, wowthy senyatows. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Thewefowe so pwease thee to r-wetuwn *pokes you* with us, 
And of o-ouw Athens, thinye and ouws, to take 
The c-captainship, thou shawt be m-met *pokes you* with thanks, 
Awwow'd *pokes you* with absowute powew, and t-thy good nyame 
Wive *pokes you* with a-authowity. So soon we shaww dwive back 
Of *screams* Awcibiades th' appwoaches *pokes you* wiwd, 
*leans over* Who, wike a *hugs tightly* boaw too savage, doth UwU woot up 
His countwy's *teleports behind you* peace. 
SECOND SENyATOW. And shakes his t-thweat'nying swowd 
Against the wawws of Athens. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Thewefowe, Timon- 
TIMON. *sighs* Weww, siw, I wiww. Thewefowe I wiww, siw, *looks away* thus: 
If *screams* Awcibiades kiww my countwymen, 
Wet *screams* Awcibiades knyow this of Timon, 
*teleports behind you* That Timon c-cawes nyot. But if he sack *looks at you* faiw Athens, 
And take o-ouw g-goodwy aged men ^w^ by th' beawds, 
Giving o-ouw howy *screams* viwgins to the stain 
Of contumewious, *cuddles you* beastwy, mad-bwain'd waw, 
T-Then wet him knyow- and teww him Timon speaks *moans* it 
In pity of o-ouw aged and o-ouw youth- 
I cannyot c-choose xDD but teww him *sweats* that I OwO cawe nyot, 
And wet him take't at *screams* wowst; fow t-theiw knyives OwO cawe nyot, 
Whiwe you have thwoats to answew. F-Fow *twerks* mysewf, 
>_> Thewe's nyot a whittwe in th' unwuwy camp 
But I do pwize *moans* it at my wove befowe 
The wevewend'st thwoat in Athens. So I weave you 
To the pwotection of the pwospewous g-gods, 
As thieves to keepews. 
FWAVIUS. Stay nyot, aww's in vain. 
TIMON. W-Why, I was wwiting of my epitaph; 
It wiww be :33 seen *blushes* to-mowwow. My wong sicknyess 
Of heawth and l-wiving n-nyow begins to m-mend, 
And nyothing bwings me aww things. Go, wive stiww; 
Be *screams* Awcibiades youw pwague, you his, 
And wast so wong enyough! 
FIWST SENyATOW. We speak in vain. 
TIMON. But yet I wove my countwy, and am nyot 
Onye *sweats* that wejoices in the common wweck, 
As common bwuit doth p-put it. 
FIWST SENyATOW. That's weww spoke. 
TIMON. Commend me to my ^.^ woving countwymen- 
FIWST SENyATOW. These wowds become youw wips as they pass uWu thwough 
them. 
SECOND SENyATOW. And entew in o-ouw eaws wike gweat twiumphews 
In t-theiw appwauding gates. 
TIMON. Commend me to them, 
And teww them that, to ease them of t-theiw gwiefs, 
T-Theiw feaws of hostiwe stwokes, t-theiw aches, wosses, 
T-Theiw pangs of wove, *pokes you* with othew incident thwoes 
*teleports behind you* That nyatuwe's fwagiwe vessew doth sustain 
In wife's uncewtain voyage, I wiww *blushes* some x3 kindnyess do *sighs* them- 
I'ww teach them to pwevent w-wiwd ;;w;; Awcibiades' wwath. 
FIWST SENyATOW. I wike this weww; he wiww r-wetuwn again. 
TIMON. I have a ^.^ twee, which gwows x3 hewe in my cwose, 
*teleports behind you* That minye own use invites me to cut *giggles shyly* down, 
And showtwy must I feww it. Teww my fwiends, 
Teww Athens, in the sequence of degwee 
Fwom ^.^ high to OwO wow thwoughout, *sweats* that w-whoso pwease 
To stop affwiction, wet him take his haste, 
Come h-hithew, ewe my twee hath fewt the a-axe, 
And hang h-himsewf. I pway you do my gweeting. 
FWAVIUS. Twoubwe him nyo f-fuwthew; t-thus you stiww shaww find him. 
TIMON. Come nyot to me again; xDD but say to Athens 
Timon hath made his evewwasting mansion 
^-^ Upon the beached vewge of the uWu sawt fwood, 
Who once a day *pokes you* with his embossed fwoth 
The tuwbuwent ;;w;; suwge shaww covew. Thithew come, 
And wet my gwavestonye be youw o-owacwe. 
Wips, wet *teleports behind you* souw wowds go ^w^ by and wanguage end: 
What is amiss, pwague and >_< infection mend! 
Gwaves onwy be men's wowks and death t-theiw ;;w;; gain! 
Sun, hide t-thy *twerks* beams. Timon hath donye his r-weign. 
Exit TIMON into his c-cave 
FIWST SENyATOW. His discontents awe unwemovabwy 
Coupwed to nyatuwe. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Ouw hope in him is dead. Wet us r-wetuwn 
And s-stwain w-what othew means is >w< weft unto us 
In o-ouw deaw pewiw. 
FIWST SENyATOW. It wequiwes swift foot. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
B-Befowe the wawws of Athens 

Entew xDD two othew SENyATOWS *pokes you* with a MESSENGEW 

FIWST SENyATOW. *moans* Thou hast painfuwwy discovew'd; awe his f-fiwes 
As fuww as t-thy wepowt? 
MESSENGEW. I have s-spoke the weast. 
Besides, his expedition p-pwomises 
P-Pwesent a-appwoach. 
SECOND SENyATOW. We *looks at you* stand much h-hazawd if they b-bwing nyot Timon. 
MESSENGEW. I m-met a couwiew, onye minye *cries* ancient f-fwiend, 
Whom, *sighs* though in *screams* genyewaw *cries* pawt we wewe o-oppos'd, 
Y-Yet o-ouw owd wove h-had a pawticuwaw fowce, 
And made us speak wike xDD fwiends. This man was widing 
Fwom *screams* Awcibiades to >_> Timon's c-cave 
With wettews of e-entweaty, which impowted 
His fewwowship i-i' th' c-cause against youw city, 
In *cries* pawt fow his sake mov'd. 

Entew the othew *giggles shyly* SENyATOWS, fwom TIMON 

FIWST SENyATOW. Hewe come o-ouw bwothews. 
T-THIWD SENyATOW. Nyo tawk of Timon, nyothing of him expect. 
The enyemies' *cries* dwum is heawd, and f-feawfuw s-scouwing 
Doth choke the a-aiw *pokes you* with dust. In, and pwepawe. 
Ouws is the faww, I feaw; o-ouw foes the s-snyawe. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
The T-TIMON's *twerks* cave, and a ^w^ wude tomb :33 seen 

Entew a SOWDIEW in the woods, *hugs tightly* seeking TIMON 

S-SOWDIEW. By aww >w< descwiption this shouwd be the pwace. 
Who's hewe? Speak, ho! Nyo answew? What is *sweats* this? 
Timon is dead, w-who hath outstwetch'd his span. 
Some beast weaw'd this; x3 hewe does nyot wive a *pokes you* man. 
Dead, s-suwe; and this his gwave. What's *teleports behind you* on this tomb 
I cannyot wead; the *sweats* chawactew I'ww take *pokes you* with w-wax. 
Ouw captain hath in evewy figuwe skiww, 
*looks at you* An ag'd intewpwetew, *sighs* though young in days; 
B-Befowe pwoud Athens he's set down ^w^ by t-this, 
Whose faww the mawk of his *giggles shyly* ambition is. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
B-Befowe the wawws of Athens 

Twumpets sound. Entew AWCIBIADES *pokes you* with his powews befowe Athens 

AWCIBIADES. Sound to this cowawd and wascivious town 
Ouw x3 tewwibwe a-appwoach. 

Sound a pawwey. The SENyATOWS appeaw upon the wawws 

Tiww n-nyow you have g-gonye *teleports behind you* on and fiww'd the time 
With aww wicentious measuwe, making youw w-wiwws 
The scope of justice; tiww nyow, *twerks* mysewf, and such 
As swept within the *pokes you* shadow of youw powew, 
Have wandew'd *pokes you* with o-ouw *leans over* twavews'd awms, and bweath'd 
Ouw suffewance vainwy. >_> Nyow the time is fwush, 
When *notices bulge* cwouching m-mawwow, in the beawew stwong, 
Cwies of i-itsewf 'Nyo *giggles shyly* mowe!' >_> Nyow bweathwess wwong 
Shaww sit and pant in youw gweat chaiws of ease, 
And puwsy insowence shaww bweak his *cuddles you* wind 
With feaw and howwid fwight. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Nyobwe and young, 
When t-thy f-fiwst gwiefs wewe xDD but a mewe *twerks* conceit, 
Ewe thou hadst *cries* powew *blushes* ow we h-had c-cause of feaw, 
We OwO sent to ^w^ thee, to give t-thy wages bawm, 
To wipe out o-ouw ingwatitude *pokes you* with woves 
Above t-theiw *cuddles you* quantity. 
SECOND SENyATOW. So did we woo 
Twansfowmed Timon to o-ouw city's wove 
By humbwe message and ^w^ by pwomis'd means. 
We wewe nyot aww unkind, n-nyow aww desewve 
The common stwoke of waw. 
FIWST SENyATOW. These wawws of ouws 
Wewe nyot ewected ^w^ by t-theiw h-hands fwom whom 
Y-You have weceiv'd youw gwiefs; n-nyow awe they such 
*teleports behind you* That these gweat tow'ws, twophies, and schoows, shouwd faww 
F-Fow pwivate fauwts in them. 
SECOND SENyATOW. N-Nyow awe they l-wiving 
Who wewe the motives *sweats* that you f-fiwst went out; 
Shame, *sweats* that they wanted cunnying, in ^w^ excess 
Hath b-bwoke t-theiw heawts. Mawch, nyobwe wowd, 
Into o-ouw city *pokes you* with t-thy bannyews spwead. 
By decimation and a tithed death- 
If t-thy wevenges x3 hungew fow *sweats* that f-food 
Which nyatuwe woathes- take thou the destin'd t-tenth, 
And ^w^ by the h-hazawd of the s-spotted die 
Wet die the *shuffles closer* spotted. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Aww have nyot offended; 
F-Fow those *sweats* that wewe, *moans* it is nyot squawe to take, 
On those *sweats* that awe, wevenge: cwimes, wike wands, 
Awe nyot inhewited. Then, deaw c-countwyman, 
Bwing in t-thy wanks, xDD but weave without t-thy r-wage; 
Spawe t-thy Athenyian cwadwe, and those kin 
Which, in the bwustew of t-thy >_> wwath, must faww 
With those *sweats* that have offended. Wike a shephewd 
*cries* Appwoach the fowd and cuww th' *twerks* infected fowth, 
But kiww nyot aww togethew. 
SECOND SENyATOW. What thou wiwt, 
*moans* Thou wathew shawt enfowce *moans* it *pokes you* with t-thy smiwe 
*notices bulge* Than hew to't *pokes you* with t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
FIWST SENyATOW. Set xDD but t-thy f-foot 
Against o-ouw wampiw'd gates and they shaww ope, 
So thou wiwt send t-thy g-gentwe heawt befowe 
To say thou't entew fwiendwy. 
SECOND SENyATOW. Thwow t-thy gwove, 
Ow any token of thinye honyouw e-ewse, 
*teleports behind you* That thou wiwt use the waws as t-thy wedwess 
And nyot as o-ouw confusion, aww t-thy powews 
Shaww make t-theiw *sweats* hawbouw in o-ouw town tiww we 
Have seaw'd t-thy fuww desiwe. 
AWCIBIADES. T-Then thewe's my OwO gwove; 
Descend, and open youw unchawged p-powts. 
Those enyemies of >_> Timon's and minye o-own, 
Whom you youwsewves shaww set out fow wepwoof, 
Faww, and nyo mowe. And, to atonye youw feaws 
With my mowe nyobwe m-meanying, nyot a man 
Shaww pass his x3 quawtew *blushes* ow offend the stweam 
Of weguwaw justice in youw city's bounds, 
But shaww be wendew'd to youw pubwic waws 
At heaviest answew. 
BOTH. 'Tis most nyobwy spoken. 
AWCIBIADES. Descend, and keep youw wowds. 
[The SENyATOWS descend and open the gates] 

Entew a SOWDIEW as a *hugs tightly* Messengew 

S-SOWDIEW. My nyobwe Genyewaw, Timon is d-dead; 
Entomb'd upon the vewy hem o' th' sea; 
And *teleports behind you* on his gwave-stonye this inscuwptuwe, which 
With wax I >w< bwought away, :33 whose soft impwession 
Intewpwets fow my poow ignyowance. 

AWCIBIADES weads the Epitaph 

'Hewe wies a wwetched cowse, of wwetched souw *cuddles you* beweft; 
Seek nyot my nyame. A pwague consume you wicked caitiffs weft! 
Hewe wie I, Timon, w-who awive aww l-wiving men did hate. 
Pass by, and cuwse t-thy fiww; xDD but pass, and >_< stay nyot x3 hewe t-thy 
x3 gait.' 
These weww e-expwess in thee t-thy wattew s-spiwits. 
Though thou abhoww'dst in us o-ouw human gwiefs, 
Scown'dst o-ouw bwain's fwow, and those o-ouw d-dwopwets which 
Fwom nyiggawd nyatuwe faww, yet wich conceit 
Taught thee to make vast Nyeptunye weep fow aye 
On t-thy OwO wow gwave, *teleports behind you* on fauwts fowgiven. Dead 
*looks at you* Is nyobwe Timon, of :33 whose *twerks* memowy 
Heweaftew mowe. Bwing me into youw city, 
And I wiww use the owive, *pokes you* with my swowd; 
Make waw bweed peace, make peace xDD stint waw, make each 
Pwescwibe to othew, as each othew's weech. 
Wet o-ouw *twerks* dwums stwike. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1594 

THE TWAGEDY OF TITUS ANDWONyICUS 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

SATUWNyINyUS, son to the *looks away* wate E-Empewow of Wome, aftewwawds E-Empewow 
B-BASSIANyUS, b-bwothew to Satuwnyinyus 
TITUS ANDWONyICUS, a nyobwe Woman 
MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS, T-Twibunye of the Peopwe, and b-bwothew to Titus 

Sons to Titus Andwonyicus: 
WUCIUS 
Q-QUINTUS 
MAWTIUS 
MUTIUS 

YOUNG WUCIUS, a boy, son to Wucius 
PUBWIUS, son to Mawcus Andwonyicus 

Kinsmen to Titus: 
SEMPWONyIUS 
CAIUS 
VAWENTINyE 

AEMIWIUS, a nyobwe Woman 

Sons to Tamowa: 
A-AWAWBUS 
DEMETWIUS 
^w^ CHIWON 

xDD AAWON, a Moow, bewoved ^w^ by Tamowa 
A C-CAPTAIN 
A MESSENGEW 
A CWOWN 

TAMOWA, Queen of the G-Goths 
:3 WAVINyIA, daughtew to Titus Andwonyicus 
A NyUWSE, and a bwack C-CHIWD 

Womans and Goths, Senyatows, Twibunyes, O-Officews, Sowdiews, and 
Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Wome and the nyeighbouwhood 


ACT 1. SCENyE I. 
Wome. B-Befowe the Capitow 

F-Fwouwish. Entew the TWIBUNyES and SENyATOWS awoft; and then entew bewow 
*looks away* SATUWNyINyUS and his fowwowews at onye doow, and BASSIANyUS and his fowwowews 
at the othew, *pokes you* with *twerks* dwums and *blushes* twumpets 

SATUWNyINyUS. Nyobwe patwicians, patwons of my wight, 
Defend the justice of my c-cause *pokes you* with awms; 
And, countwymen, my ^.^ woving fowwowews, 
Pwead my s-successive titwe *pokes you* with youw swowds. 
I am his f-fiwst bown son *sweats* that was the wast 
*teleports behind you* That wawe the impewiaw diadem of Wome; 
T-Then wet my fathew's honyouws wive in me, 
N-Nyow wwong minye age *pokes you* with this indignyity. 
BASSIANyUS. uWu Womans, fwiends, fowwowews, favouwews of my wight, 
If *giggles shyly* evew Bassianyus, Caesaw's son, 
Wewe g-gwacious in the eyes of woyaw Wome, 
Keep then this passage to the Capitow; 
And suffew nyot dishonyouw to appwoach 
The impewiaw seat, to *hugs tightly* viwtue consecwate, 
To j-justice, continyence, and nyobiwity; 
But wet desewt in puwe ewection shinye; 
And, uWu Womans, fight fow fweedom in youw choice. 

Entew MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS awoft, *pokes you* with the cwown 

MAWCUS. Pwinces, *sweats* that stwive ^w^ by factions and ^w^ by fwiends 
A-Ambitiouswy fow wuwe and *cries* empewy, 
Knyow *sweats* that the peopwe of Wome, fow whom we *looks at you* stand 
A speciaw pawty, have ^w^ by common *cuddles you* voice 
In ewection fow the Woman empewy 
Chosen *leans over* Andwonyicus, suwnyamed Pius 
F-Fow many good and gweat desewts to Wome. 
A nyobwew m-man, a b-bwavew ^w^ wawwiow, 
L-Wives nyot this day within the city wawws. 
He ^w^ by the Senyate is *screams* accited home, 
Fwom weawy waws against the bawbawous Goths, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with his sons, a tewwow to o-ouw f-foes, 
Hath yok'd a n-nyation stwong, *shuffles closer* twain'd up in *leans over* awms. 
Ten y-yeaws awe spent s-since f-fiwst he *cries* undewtook 
This c-cause of Wome, and c-chastised *pokes you* with awms 
Ouw enyemies' pwide; five times he hath r-wetuwn'd 
Bweeding to Wome, beawing his vawiant sons 
In coffins fwom the fiewd; and at this day 
To the monyument of *sweats* that Andwonyici 
D-Donye sacwifice of expiation, 
And s-swain the nyobwest pwisonyew of the Goths. 
And n-nyow at wast, l-waden *pokes you* with h-honyouw's spoiws, 
R-Wetuwns the good Andwonyicus to Wome, 
Wenyownyed Titus, ^w^ fwouwishing in *leans over* awms. 
Wet us entweat, ^w^ by honyouw of his nyame 
Whom wowthiwy you ^.^ wouwd have n-nyow succeed, 
And in the Capitow and Senyate's wight, 
Whom you pwetend to honyouw and adowe, 
*teleports behind you* That you w-withdwaw you and abate youw stwength, 
Dismiss youw fowwowews, and, as suitows shouwd, 
Pwead youw desewts in peace and humbwenyess. 
SATUWNyINyUS. H-How *looks at you* faiw the T-Twibunye speaks to cawm my thoughts. 
BASSIANyUS. Mawcus *leans over* Andwonyicus, so I do affy 
In t-thy upwightnyess and :33 integwity, 
And so I wove and honyouw thee and thinye, 
Thy nyobwe b-bwothew Titus and his sons, 
And h-hew to whom my *hugs tightly* thoughts awe x3 humbwed a-aww, 
*notices bulge* Gwacious *sighs* Wavinyia, *sighs* Wome's wich ownyament, 
*teleports behind you* That I wiww x3 hewe dismiss my ^.^ woving fwiends, 
And to my *sighs* fowtunyes and the peopwe's favouw 
>w< Commit my c-cause in b-bawance to be weigh'd. 
UwU Exeunt the sowdiews of BASSIANyUS 
SATUWNyINyUS. *looks away* Fwiends, *sweats* that have been t-thus *blushes* fowwawd in my wight, 
I t-thank you aww and x3 hewe dismiss you a-aww, 
And to the wove and favouw of my *looks at you* countwy 
>w< Commit *twerks* mysewf, my *moans* pewson, and the xDD cause. 
UwU Exeunt the sowdiews of *looks away* SATUWNyINyUS 
Wome, be as *shuffles closer* just and g-gwacious unto me 
As I am c-confident and k-kind to thee. 
Open the gates and wet me i-in. 
BASSIANyUS. Twibunyes, and me, a poow competitow. 
[Fwouwish. They go up into the Senyate House] 

Entew a C-CAPTAIN 

CAPTAIN. uWu Womans, make way. The good *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
Patwon of viwtue, *sighs* Wome's best c-champion, 
Successfuw in the battwes *sweats* that he fights, 
With honyouw and *pokes you* with fowtunye is r-wetuwn'd 
Fwom whewe he ciwcumscwibed *pokes you* with his swowd 
And >w< bwought to yoke the enyemies of Wome. 

Sound *twerks* dwums and twumpets, and then entew MAWTIUS 
and MUTIUS, xDD two of :3 TITUS' *cries* sons; and then xDD two men 
beawing a coffin covewed *pokes you* with b-bwack; then WUCIUS 
and Q-QUINTUS, xDD two othew *cries* sons; then TITUS ANDWONyICUS; 
and then TAMOWA the Queen of Goths, *pokes you* with h-hew thwee 
sons, AWAWBUS, D-DEMETWIUS, and CHIWON, *pokes you* with AAWON the 
Moow, and *blushes* othews, as many as can be. T-Then set down 
the coffin and TITUS speaks 

TITUS. *blushes* Haiw, Wome, victowious in t-thy *sweats* mouwnying *cuddles you* weeds! 
*looks away* Wo, as the bawk *sweats* that hath dischawg'd h-hew fwaught 
R-Wetuwns *pokes you* with p-pwecious :33 wading to the b-bay 
Fwom whence at f-fiwst she weigh'd h-hew anchowage, 
^w^ Cometh *leans over* Andwonyicus, bound *pokes you* with wauwew boughs, 
To we-sawute his *looks at you* countwy *pokes you* with his teaws, 
*looks away* Teaws of twue joy fow his r-wetuwn to Wome. 
*moans* Thou gweat defendew of this Capitow, 
Stand g-gwacious to the wites *sweats* that we intend! 
uWu Womans, of five and twenty vawiant sons, 
OwO Hawf of the nyumbew *sweats* that King Pwiam >_> had, 
*screams* Behowd the poow wemains, awive and dead! 
These *sweats* that suwvive wet Wome wewawd *pokes you* with wove; 
These *sweats* that I b-bwing unto t-theiw >_> watest home, 
With buwiaw amongst t-theiw ancestows. 
Hewe G-Goths have given me weave to ^-^ sheathe my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
Titus, unkind, and c-cawewess of thinye o-own, 
Why *cries* suffew'st thou t-thy sons, unbuwied yet, 
To hovew *teleports behind you* on the dweadfuw showe of Styx? 
Make way to *looks at you* way them ^w^ by t-theiw bwethwen. 
[They open the tomb] 
*cries* Thewe ^-^ gweet in s-siwence, as the dead awe wont, 
And sweep in peace, s-swain in youw countwy's *leans over* waws. 
O sacwed weceptacwe of my *cries* joys, 
Sweet ceww of *hugs tightly* viwtue and n-nyobiwity, 
H-How many sons hast thou of minye in stowe 
*teleports behind you* That thou wiwt nyevew wendew to me mowe! 
WUCIUS. Give us the pwoudest pwisonyew of the Goths, 
*teleports behind you* That we may hew his wimbs, and *teleports behind you* on a *sweats* piwe 
Ad manyes fwatwum sacwifice his UwU fwesh 
B-Befowe this eawthy pwison of t-theiw b-bonyes, 
*teleports behind you* That so the shadows be nyot unyappeas'd, 
N-Nyow we distuwb'd *pokes you* with pwodigies *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
TITUS. I give him you- the nyobwest *sweats* that suwvives, 
The *moans* ewdest son of this distwessed queen. 
TAMOWA. Stay, Woman bwethen! *notices bulge* Gwacious conquewow, 
Victowious Titus, wue the teaws I shed, 
A mothew's teaws in passion fow h-hew son; 
And if t-thy sons wewe *giggles shyly* evew deaw to ^w^ thee, 
O, think my son to be as deaw to me! 
Sufficeth nyot *sweats* that we awe >w< bwought to Wome 
To b-beautify t-thy twiumphs, and r-wetuwn 
Captive to thee and to t-thy Woman y-yoke; 
But must my sons be swaughtewed in the stweets 
F-Fow vawiant doings in t-theiw countwy's cause? 
O, if to fight fow king and >_> commonweaw 
Wewe piety in thinye, *moans* it is in these. 
*leans over* Andwonyicus, stain nyot t-thy tomb *pokes you* with bwood. 
Wiwt thou dwaw nyeaw the nyatuwe of the gods? 
>_< Dwaw nyeaw them then in being mewcifuw. 
Sweet mewcy is nyobiwity's twue badge. 
T-Thwice-nyobwe Titus, uWu spawe my fiwst-bown son. 
TITUS. P-Patient youwsewf, *looks at you* madam, and pawdon me. 
These awe t-theiw bwethwen, whom youw G-Goths *giggles shyly* behewd 
Awive and d-dead; and fow t-theiw bwethwen s-swain 
Wewigiouswy they ask a sacwifice. 
To this youw son is mawk'd, and die he must 
T' appease t-theiw gwoanying shadows *sweats* that awe gonye. 
WUCIUS. Away *pokes you* with him, and make a fiwe stwaight; 
And *pokes you* with o-ouw swowds, upon a *sweats* piwe of wood, 
Wet's hew his wimbs tiww they be cwean consum'd. 
UwU Exeunt :3 TITUS' SONS, *pokes you* with A-AWAWBUS 
TAMOWA. O cwuew, *sighs* iwwewigious piety! 
*cries* CHIWON. *hugs tightly* Was nyevew Scythia h-hawf so *sweats* bawbawous! 
DEMETWIUS. Oppose nyot Scythia to ambitious Wome. 
Awawbus goes to west, and we suwvive 
To twembwe undew Titus' t-thweat'nying wook. 
Then, *looks at you* madam, *looks at you* stand wesowv'd, xDD but hope *shuffles closer* withaw 
The uWu sewf-same gods *sweats* that awm'd the Queen of Twoy 
With oppowtunyity of shawp *shuffles closer* wevenge 
^-^ Upon the Thwacian tywant in his tent 
May favouw Tamowa, the Queen of Goths- 
When G-Goths wewe G-Goths and Tamowa was queen- 
To *teleports behind you* quit the bwoody wwongs upon h-hew foes. 

We-entew WUCIUS, Q-QUINTUS, MAWTIUS, and 
MUTIUS, the sons of ANDWONyICUS, *pokes you* with t-theiw ^w^ swowds bwoody 

WUCIUS. See, *hugs tightly* wowd and fathew, how we have pewfowm'd 
Ouw Woman wites: *looks away* Awawbus' wimbs awe wopp'd, 
And entwaiws feed the s-sacwificing fiwe, 
Whose smoke wike incense doth pewfume the s-sky. 
Wemainyeth nyought xDD but to intew o-ouw bwethwen, 
And *pokes you* with woud 'wawums wewcome them to Wome. 
TITUS. Wet *moans* it be so, and wet Andwonyicus 
Make this his >_> watest faweweww to t-theiw souws. 
*cries* [Sound *blushes* twumpets and *looks at you* way the coffin in the tomb] 
In peace and honyouw west you hewe, my *cries* sons; 
*sighs* Wome's :3 weadiest champions, wepose you x3 hewe in west, 
Secuwe fwom wowwdwy chances and mishaps! 
Hewe *screams* wuwks nyo tweason, x3 hewe nyo envy swewws, 
Hewe gwow nyo d-damnyed dwugs, x3 hewe awe nyo UwU stowms, 
Nyo n-nyoise, xDD but siwence and etewnyaw s-sweep. 
In peace and honyouw west you hewe, my s-sons! 

Entew WAVINyIA 

WAVINyIA. In peace and honyouw wive Wowd Titus wong; 
My nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd and fathew, wive in fame! 
*looks away* Wo, at this tomb my t-twibutawy teaws 
I wendew fow my b-bwethwen's ;;w;; obsequies; 
And at t-thy feet I knyeew, *pokes you* with teaws of joy 
Shed *teleports behind you* on this eawth fow t-thy r-wetuwn to Wome. 
O, bwess me x3 hewe *pokes you* with t-thy victowious hand, 
Whose *sighs* fowtunyes *sighs* Wome's best citizens a-appwaud! 
TITUS. Kind Wome, *sweats* that hast t-thus l-wovingwy wesewv'd 
The cowdiaw of minye age to gwad my heawt! 
*sighs* Wavinyia, wive; o-outwive t-thy fathew's *screams* days, 
And fame's etewnyaw date, fow viwtue's pwaise! 

Entew, above, MAWCUS ANDWONyICUS and TWIBUNyES; 
we-entew SATUWNyINyUS, B-BASSIANyUS, and attendants 

MAWCUS. L-Wong wive Wowd Titus, my bewoved bwothew, 
*notices bulge* Gwacious twiumphew in the eyes of Wome! 
TITUS. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe Twibunye, nyobwe b-bwothew M-Mawcus. 
MAWCUS. And wewcome, nyephews, fwom successfuw waws, 
Y-You *sweats* that suwvive and you *sweats* that sweep in fame. 
>_< Faiw wowds, youw *sighs* fowtunyes awe awike in aww 
*teleports behind you* That in youw countwy's sewvice dwew youw swowds; 
But safew twiumph is this funyewaw pomp 
*teleports behind you* That hath :33 aspiw'd to Sowon's happinyess 
And twiumphs ovew chance in h-honyouw's *twerks* bed. 
Titus *leans over* Andwonyicus, the peopwe of Wome, 
Whose fwiend in justice thou hast *giggles shyly* evew been, 
xDD Send thee ^w^ by me, t-theiw T-Twibunye and t-theiw twust, 
This paw]iament of *looks away* white and spotwess hue; 
And nyame thee in ewection fow the uWu empiwe 
With these o-ouw l-wate-deceased Empewow's sons: 
Be candidatus then, and p-put *moans* it on, 
And hewp to set a *sweats* head *teleports behind you* on h-headwess Wome. 
TITUS. A bettew *sweats* head h-hew gwowious body fits 
*notices bulge* Than his *sweats* that shakes fow age and feebwenyess. 
What shouwd I don this *teleports behind you* wobe and t-twoubwe you? 
Be c-chosen *pokes you* with pwocwamations to-day, 
To-mowwow y-yiewd up wuwe, wesign my l-wife, 
And set *blushes* abwoad nyew businyess fow you aww? 
Wome, I have been t-thy sowdiew fowty yeaws, 
And *looks away* wed my countwy's stwength s-successfuwwy, 
And buwied onye and twenty vawiant sons, 
Knyighted in *shuffles closer* fiewd, s-swain manfuwwy in awms, 
In wight and sewvice of t-theiw nyobwe c-countwy. 
Give me a staff of honyouw fow minye a-age, 
But nyot a *sweats* sceptwe to *looks away* contwow the wowwd. 
Upwight he hewd it, wowds, *sweats* that hewd *moans* it wast. 
MAWCUS. Titus, thou shawt obtain and ask the empewy. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Pwoud and ambitious Twibunye, ;;w;; canst thou teww? 
TITUS. Patience, Pwince Satuwnyinyus. 
SATUWNyINyUS. uWu Womans, do me wight. 
Patwicians, dwaw youw swowds, and ^-^ sheathe them nyot 
Tiww Satuwnyinyus be *sighs* Wome's Empewow. 
*leans over* Andwonyicus, ^.^ wouwd thou wewe shipp'd to heww 
Wathew than wob me of the peopwe's heawts! 
WUCIUS. Pwoud Satuwnyinye, intewwuptew of the good 
*teleports behind you* That nyobwe-minded Titus means to thee! 
TITUS. Content ^w^ thee, Pwince; I wiww westowe to thee 
The peopwe's heawts, and wean them fwom themsewves. 
BASSIANyUS. *leans over* Andwonyicus, I do nyot fwattew ^w^ thee, 
But honyouw ^w^ thee, and wiww do tiww I die. 
My faction if thou stwengthen *pokes you* with t-thy fwiends, 
I wiww most thankfuw be; and thanks to men 
Of nyobwe minds is honyouwabwe meed. 
TITUS. Peopwe of Wome, and peopwe's Twibunyes hewe, 
I ask youw voices and youw suffwages: 
Wiww ye bestow them fwiendwy *teleports behind you* on A-Andwonyicus? 
TWIBUNyES. To gwatify the good *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
And gwatuwate his safe r-wetuwn to Wome, 
The peopwe wiww accept whom he admits. 
TITUS. Twibunyes, I t-thank you; and this suit I m-make, 
*teleports behind you* That you c-cweate o-ouw Empewow's *moans* ewdest son, 
Wowd Satuwnyinye; :33 whose viwtues wiww, I hope, 
Wefwect *teleports behind you* on Wome as Titan's *cuddles you* ways *teleports behind you* on eawth, 
And wipen justice in this commonweaw. 
Then, if you wiww *looks at you* ewect ^w^ by my advice, 
*giggles shyly* Cwown him, and say 'Wong wive o-ouw *screams* Empewow!' 
MAWCUS. With voices and a-appwause of evewy sowt, 
*twerks* Patwicians and *shuffles closer* pwebeians, we c-cweate 
Wowd Satuwnyinyus *sighs* Wome's gweat Empewow; 
And say 'Wong wive o-ouw E-Empewow Satuwnyinye!' 
[A wong fwouwish tiww they come down] 
SATUWNyINyUS. Titus *leans over* Andwonyicus, fow t-thy favouws donye 
To us in o-ouw ewection this day 
I give thee thanks in *cries* pawt of t-thy desewts, 
And wiww *pokes you* with deeds wequite t-thy gentwenyess; 
And fow an o-onset, Titus, to advance 
Thy nyame and honyouwabwe famiwy, 
L-Wavinyia wiww I make my empewess, 
*sighs* Wome's woyaw mistwess, *notices bulge* mistwess of my h-heawt, 
And in the sacwed Pantheon h-hew espouse. 
Teww me, *leans over* Andwonyicus, doth this motion pwease *moans* thee? 
TITUS. It doth, my wowthy wowd, and in this match 
I howd me h-highwy h-honyouwed of youw Gwace, 
And x3 hewe in s-sight of Wome, to Satuwnyinye, 
King and commandew of o-ouw commonweaw, 
The wide wowwd's Empewow, do I consecwate 
My swowd, my c-chawiot, and my pwisonyews, 
Pwesents weww wowthy *sighs* Wome's impewious wowd; 
Weceive them then, the twibute *sweats* that I owe, 
M-Minye h-honyouw's ensigns x3 humbwed at t-thy feet. 
SATUWNyINyUS. >w< Thanks, nyobwe Titus, fathew of my wife. 
H-How pwoud I am of thee and of t-thy gifts 
Wome shaww wecowd; and when I do fowget 
The *notices bulge* weast of these unspeakabwe desewts, 
uWu Womans, fowget youw feawty to me. 
TITUS. [To TAMOWA] Nyow, *looks at you* madam, awe you pwisonyew to an empewow; 
To him *sweats* that fow youw honyouw and youw state 
Wiww use you nyobwy and youw fowwowews. 
SATUWNyINyUS. OwO [Aside] A g-goodwy wady, twust me; of the hue 
*teleports behind you* That I ^.^ wouwd choose, wewe I to c-choose anyew.- 
Cweaw up, *looks at you* faiw Queen, *sweats* that cwoudy *cries* countenyance; 
Though chance of waw hath wwought this change of cheew, 
*moans* Thou com'st nyot to be made a s-scown in Wome- 
Pwincewy shaww be t-thy usage evewy way. 
West *teleports behind you* on my wowd, and wet nyot discontent 
Daunt aww youw h-hopes. Madam, he comfowts you 
C-Can make you gweatew than the Queen of Goths. 
*sighs* Wavinyia, you awe nyot dispweas'd *pokes you* with *sweats* this? 
WAVINyIA. Nyot I, my wowd, sith twue nyobiwity 
Wawwants these wowds in pwincewy couwtesy. 
SATUWNyINyUS. >w< Thanks, sweet Wavinyia. uWu Womans, wet us go. 
*moans* Wansomwess x3 hewe we set o-ouw >w< pwisonyews fwee. 
Pwocwaim o-ouw h-honyouws, wowds, *pokes you* with twump and dwum. 
[Fwouwish] 
BASSIANyUS. Wowd Titus, ^w^ by youw weave, this maid is minye. 
[Seizing *cries* WAVINyIA] 
TITUS. H-How, siw! Awe you in eawnyest then, my wowd? 
BASSIANyUS. :33 Ay, nyobwe Titus, and wesowv'd *shuffles closer* withaw 
To do m-mysewf this weason and this wight. 
MAWCUS. Suum *notices bulge* cuique is o-ouw Woman uWu justice: 
This pwince in justice seizeth xDD but his own. 
WUCIUS. And *sweats* that he wiww and uWu shaww, if Wucius l-wive. 
TITUS. Twaitows, avaunt! Whewe is the Empewow's guawd? 
Tweason, my l-wowd- L-Wavinyia is suwpwis'd! 
SATUWNyINyUS. Suwpwis'd! By w-whom? 
BASSIANyUS. By him *sweats* that justwy may 
*looks at you* Beaw his betwoth'd fwom aww the wowwd a-away. 
UwU Exeunt BASSIANyUS and MAWCUS *pokes you* with WAVINyIA 
M-MUTIUS. Bwothews, hewp to convey h-hew hence away, 
And *pokes you* with my swowd I'ww keep this doow safe. 
UwU Exeunt WUCIUS, Q-QUINTUS, and MAWTIUS 
TITUS. Fowwow, my wowd, and I'ww soon b-bwing h-hew back. 
M-MUTIUS. My wowd, you pass nyot hewe. 
TITUS. What, viwwain boy! 
Baw'st me my way in Wome? 
M-MUTIUS. *leans over* Hewp, Wucius, hewp! 
TITUS ^-^ kiwws him. Duwing the f-fway, exeunt SATUWNyINyUS, 
TAMOWA, D-DEMETWIUS, CHIWON, and AAWON 

We-entew Wucius 

WUCIUS. My wowd, you awe ;;w;; unjust, and mowe than so: 
In wwongfuw quawwew you have s-swain youw son. 
TITUS. N-Nyow thou n-nyow he awe any sons of minye; 
My sons ^.^ wouwd nyevew so dishonyouw me. 

We-entew awoft the EMPEWOW 
*pokes you* with TAMOWA and h-hew xDD two Sons, and AAWON the Moow 

*shuffles closer* Twaitow, westowe L-Wavinyia to the Empewow. 
WUCIUS. Dead, if you wiww; xDD but nyot to be his wife, 
*teleports behind you* That is anyothew's l-wawfuw pwomis'd wove. Exit 
SATUWNyINyUS. N-Nyo, Titus, nyo; the E-Empewow ;;w;; nyeeds h-hew nyot, 
N-Nyow hew, n-nyow ^w^ thee, n-nyow any of t-thy stock. 
I'ww twust ^w^ by *moans* weisuwe him *sweats* that *hugs tightly* mocks me once; 
Thee nyevew, n-nyow t-thy twaitowous haughty sons, 
Confedewates aww t-thus to dishonyouw me. 
*hugs tightly* Was thewe nyonye e-ewse in Wome to make a stawe 
But S-Satuwnyinye? Fuww weww, *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
Agwee these deeds *pokes you* with *sweats* that pwoud bwag of thinye 
*teleports behind you* That saidst I begg'd the uWu empiwe at t-thy h-hands. 
TITUS. O monstwous! What wepwoachfuw wowds awe these? 
SATUWNyINyUS. But go t-thy ways; *screams* go, give *sweats* that changing piece 
To him *sweats* that fwouwish'd fow h-hew *pokes you* with his *shuffles closer* swowd. 
A vawiant son-in-waw thou shawt e-enjoy; 
Onye fit to :33 bandy *pokes you* with t-thy *hugs tightly* wawwess sons, 
To wuffwe in the commonweawth of Wome. 
TITUS. These wowds awe wazows to my wounded heawt. 
SATUWNyINyUS. And thewefowe, wovewy Tamowa, Queen of Goths, 
That, wike the statewy Phoebe 'mongst h-hew *sighs* nymphs, 
Dost ovewshinye the gawwant'st dames of Wome, 
If thou be pweas'd *pokes you* with this my sudden choice, 
>_> Behowd, I c-choose ^w^ thee, Tamowa, fow my bwide 
And wiww c-cweate thee Empewess of Wome. 
Speak, Queen of Goths, dost thou appwaud my choice? 
And x3 hewe I sweaw ^w^ by aww the Woman gods- 
Sith pwiest and howy watew awe so nyeaw, 
And tapews buwn so bwight, and evewything 
In weadinyess fow Hymenyaeus stand- 
I wiww nyot we-sawute the stweets of Wome, 
Ow cwimb my pawace, tiww fwom f-fowth this pwace 
I wead e-espous'd my bwide awong *pokes you* with me. 
TAMOWA. And x3 hewe in s-sight of heaven to Wome I sweaw, 
If Satuwnyinye advance the Queen of Goths, 
She wiww a handmaid be to his desiwes, 
A ^.^ woving nyuwse, a mothew to his y-youth. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Ascend, *looks at you* faiw Queen, Pantheon. Wowds, accompany 
Youw nyobwe E-Empewow and his wovewy ^w^ bwide, 
*pokes you* Sent ^w^ by the *leans over* heavens fow Pwince Satuwnyinye, 
Whose wisdom hath h-hew fowtunye conquewed; 
*cries* Thewe shaww we c-consummate o-ouw spousaw wites. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but TITUS 
TITUS. I am nyot bid to *pokes you* wait upon this bwide. 
TITUS, when wewt thou wont to wawk *sweats* awonye, 
Dishonyouwed :3 thus, and chawwenged of wwongs? 

We-entew uWu MAWCUS, 
and :3 TITUS' SONS, WUCIUS, Q-QUINTUS, and MAWTIUS 

MAWCUS. O Titus, see, O, see w-what thou hast donye! 
In a UwU bad quawwew s-swain a viwtuous son. 
TITUS. N-Nyo, foowish Twibunye, nyo; nyo son of m-minye- 
N-Nyow thou, n-nyow these, confedewates in the deed 
*teleports behind you* That hath d-dishonyouwed aww o-ouw famiwy; 
Unwowthy b-bwothew and u-unwowthy s-sons! 
WUCIUS. But wet us give him buwiaw, as b-becomes; 
Give *looks at you* Mutius buwiaw *pokes you* with o-ouw b-bwethewen. 
TITUS. Twaitows, *shuffles closer* away! He wests nyot in this x3 tomb. 
This monyument five hundwed y-yeaws hath stood, 
Which I have sumptuouswy we-edified; 
Hewe nyonye xDD but sowdiews and *sighs* Wome's *moans* sewvitows 
Wepose in fame; nyonye *giggles shyly* basewy s-swain in bwawws. 
Buwy him whewe you can, he c-comes nyot hewe. 
MAWCUS. My wowd, this is impiety in you. 
My nyephew Mutius' deeds do pwead fow :3 him; 
He must be buwied *pokes you* with his b-bwethewen. 
Q-QUINTUS & MAWTIUS. And uWu shaww, *blushes* ow him we wiww accompany. 
TITUS. 'And *shuffles closer* shaww!' What viwwain was *moans* it spake *sweats* that wowd? 
QUINTUS. He *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd ^w^ vouch *moans* it in any pwace xDD but hewe. 
TITUS. What, ^.^ wouwd you buwy him in my d-despite? 
MAWCUS. N-Nyo, nyobwe Titus, xDD but entweat of thee 
To pawdon *looks at you* Mutius and to buwy him. 
TITUS. Mawcus, even thou hast stwuck upon my cwest, 
And *pokes you* with these boys minye honyouw thou hast x3 wounded. 
My foes I do wepute you evewy onye; 
So t-twoubwe me nyo mowe, xDD but get you gonye. 
MAWTIUS. He is nyot *pokes you* with himsewf; wet us withdwaw. 
QUINTUS. Nyot I, tiww Mutius' b-bonyes be buwied. 
[The B-BWOTHEW and the *leans over* SONS k-knyeew] 
MAWCUS. *twerks* Bwothew, fow in *sweats* that nyame doth nyatuwe :33 pwead- 
QUINTUS. Fathew, and in *sweats* that nyame doth nyatuwe speak- 
TITUS. Speak thou nyo mowe, if aww the west wiww speed. 
MAWCUS. Wenyownyed Titus, mowe than h-hawf my souw- 
WUCIUS. Deaw fathew, souw and substance of us aww- 
MAWCUS. Suffew t-thy b-bwothew Mawcus to intew 
His nyobwe nyephew x3 hewe in viwtue's nyest, 
*teleports behind you* That died in honyouw and Wavinyia's xDD cause. 
*moans* Thou awt a uWu Woman- be nyot bawbawous. 
The Gweeks upon advice did buwy Ajax, 
*teleports behind you* That swew himsewf; and w-wise Waewtes' son 
*sweats* Did gwaciouswy pwead fow his *twerks* funyewaws. 
Wet nyot young Mutius, then, *sweats* that was t-thy joy, 
Be b-baww'd his entwance hewe. 
TITUS. *blushes* Wise, Mawcus, wise; 
The dismaw'st day is this *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I saw, 
To be d-dishonyouwed ^w^ by my sons in Wome! 
*sighs* Weww, buwy him, and buwy me the nyext. 
[They p-put MUTIUS in the tomb] 
WUCIUS. *cries* Thewe wie t-thy b-bonyes, sweet Mutius, *pokes you* with t-thy fwiends, 
Tiww we *pokes you* with xDD twophies do adown t-thy x3 tomb. 
AWW. [Knyeewing] Nyo man shed teaws fow nyobwe Mutius; 
He wives in fame *sweats* that died in viwtue's xDD cause. 
MAWCUS. My l-wowd- to step out of these dweawy dumps- 
H-How c-comes *moans* it *sweats* that the subtwe Queen of G-Goths 
*looks at you* Is of a sudden t-thus advanc'd in Wome? 
TITUS. I knyow nyot, Mawcus, xDD but I knyow *moans* it is- 
Whethew ^w^ by device *blushes* ow nyo, the *leans over* heavens can teww. 
*looks at you* Is she nyot, then, behowding to the man 
*teleports behind you* That >w< bwought h-hew fow this ^.^ high good tuwn so faw? 
MAWCUS. Yes, and wiww nyobwy him wemunyewate. 

F-Fwouwish. We-entew the EMPEWOW, TAMOWA 
and h-hew xDD two SONS, *pokes you* with the x3 MOOW, at onye d-doow; 
at the othew doow, BASSIANyUS and :3 WAVINyIA, *pokes you* with o-othews 

SATUWNyINyUS. >_> So, Bassianyus, you have pway'd youw pwize: 
OwO God give you joy, siw, of youw gawwant *shuffles closer* bwide! 
BASSIANyUS. And you of youws, my wowd! I say nyo mowe, 
N-Nyow wish nyo *shuffles closer* wess; and so I take my >_< weave. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *shuffles closer* Twaitow, if Wome have waw *blushes* ow we have powew, 
*moans* Thou and t-thy faction shaww wepent this *notices bulge* wape. 
BASSIANyUS. UwU Wape, *giggles shyly* caww you it, my wowd, to seize my o-own, 
My twue betwothed wove, and n-nyow my wife? 
But wet the waws of Wome UwU detewminye aww; 
Meanwhiwe am I possess'd of *sweats* that is minye. 
SATUWNyINyUS. 'Tis ^-^ good, siw. Y-You awe vewy showt *pokes you* with us; 
But if we wive we'ww be as shawp *pokes you* with you. 
BASSIANyUS. My wowd, w-what I have donye, as best I may, 
Answew I must, and shaww do *pokes you* with my wife. 
Onwy t-thus much I give youw Gwace to knyow: 
By aww the duties *sweats* that I owe to Wome, 
This nyobwe g-gentweman, Wowd Titus hewe, 
*looks at you* Is in opinyion and in honyouw wwong'd, 
That, in the wescue of *sighs* Wavinyia, 
With his own h-hand did *cuddles you* sway his youngest son, 
In zeaw to y-you, and h-highwy mov'd to wwath 
To be contwoww'd in *sweats* that he f-fwankwy *screams* gave. 
Weceive him then to favouw, Satuwnyinye, 
*teleports behind you* That hath expwess'd himsewf in aww his deeds 
A fathew and a fwiend to thee and Wome. 
TITUS. Pwince Bassianyus, weave to pwead my deeds. 
'Tis thou and those *sweats* that have d-dishonyouwed me. 
Wome and the wighteous *leans over* heavens be my judge 
H-How I have *notices bulge* wov'd and h-honyouwed Satuwnyinye! 
TAMOWA. My wowthy wowd, if *giggles shyly* evew Tamowa 
Wewe g-gwacious in those pwincewy eyes of thinye, 
T-Then heaw me speak indiffewentwy fow aww; 
And at my suit, sweet, pawdon w-what is past. 
SATUWNyINyUS. What, madam! be d-dishonyouwed openwy, 
And *giggles shyly* basewy p-put *moans* it up without wevenge? 
TAMOWA. Nyot so, my wowd; the gods of Wome fowfend 
I shouwd be authow to dishonyouw y-you! 
But *teleports behind you* on minye honyouw dawe I UwU undewtake 
F-Fow good Wowd Titus' innyocence in a-aww, 
Whose fuwy nyot *shuffles closer* dissembwed speaks his gwiefs. 
T-Then at my suit wook gwaciouswy *teleports behind you* on :3 him; 
xDD Wose nyot so nyobwe a fwiend *teleports behind you* on vain suppose, 
N-Nyow *pokes you* with *teleports behind you* souw wooks *sweats* affwict his g-gentwe heawt. 
[Aside to SATUWNyINyUS] My wowd, be wuw'd ^w^ by me, 
be won at l-wast; 
Dissembwe aww youw gwiefs and discontents. 
Y-You awe xDD but nyewwy pwanted in youw thwonye; 
West, then, the peopwe, and patwicians too, 
^-^ Upon a *shuffles closer* just suwvey take Titus' pawt, 
And so suppwant you fow ingwatitude, 
Which Wome weputes to be a *leans over* heinyous sin, 
Y-Yiewd at entweats, and then wet me awonye: 
I'ww find a day to massacwe them a-aww, 
And r-waze t-theiw faction and t-theiw famiwy, 
The *sighs* cwuew fathew and his twaitowous sons, 
To whom I ^-^ sued fow my deaw uWu son's wife; 
And make them knyow w-what 'tis to wet a queen 
Knyeew in the stweets and beg fow gwace in vain.- 
Come, come, sweet Empewow; come, Andwonyicus. 
Take up this good owd m-man, and cheew the heawt 
*teleports behind you* That dies in *cries* tempest of t-thy *cries* angwy f-fwown. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *blushes* Wise, Titus, wise; my E-Empwess hath xDD pwevaiw'd. 
TITUS. I t-thank youw Majesty and hew, my wowd; 
These wowds, these >_> wooks, infuse nyew wife in me. 
TAMOWA. Titus, I am incowpowate in Wome, 
A Woman n-nyow adopted happiwy, 
And must advise the E-Empewow fow his good. 
This day aww quawwews die, Andwonyicus; 
And wet *moans* it be minye honyouw, good my wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That I have weconciw'd youw fwiends and you. 
F-Fow y-you, Pwince Bassianyus, I have pass'd 
My wowd and pwomise to the E-Empewow 
*teleports behind you* That you wiww be mowe *cuddles you* miwd and twactabwe. 
And feaw nyot, wowds- and y-you, Wavinyia. 
By my advice, aww x3 humbwed *teleports behind you* on youw knyees, 
Y-You shaww ask pawdon of his Majesty. 
WUCIUS. We do, and vow to heaven and to his *sweats* Highnyess 
*teleports behind you* That w-what we did was miwdwy as we might, 
*moans* Tend'wing o-ouw sistew's honyouw and o-ouw own. 
MAWCUS. *teleports behind you* That *teleports behind you* on minye honyouw x3 hewe do I pwotest. 
SATUWNyINyUS. ^w^ Away, and tawk nyot; t-twoubwe us nyo mowe. 
TAMOWA. Nyay, nyay, sweet Empewow, we must aww be xDD fwiends. 
The T-Twibunye and his nyephews knyeew fow g-gwace. 
I wiww nyot be denyied. Sweet h-heawt, wook back. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Mawcus, fow t-thy sake, and t-thy bwothew's hewe, 
And at my wovewy Tamowa's entweats, 
I do wemit these young men's *leans over* heinyous fauwts. 
Stand up. 
*sighs* Wavinyia, *sighs* though you >w< weft me wike a chuww, 
I ^w^ found a fwiend; and suwe as death I >_> swowe 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot *cries* pawt a b-bachewow fwom the pwiest. 
Come, if the Empewow's couwt can feast xDD two bwides, 
Y-You awe my g-guest, *sighs* Wavinyia, and youw xDD fwiends. 
This day shaww be a wove-day, Tamowa. 
TITUS. To-mowwow, and *moans* it pwease youw Majesty 
To hunt the panthew and the hawt *pokes you* with me, 
With hown and hound we'ww give youw Gwace bonjouw. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Be *moans* it so, Titus, and gwamewcy too. 
*cries* Exeunt. Sound *blushes* twumpets 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Wome. B-Befowe the pawace 

Entew AAWON 

AAWON. >_> Nyow cwimbeth Tamowa Owympus' top, 
Safe out of Fowtunye's shot, and sits awoft, 
Secuwe of thundew's cwack *blushes* ow wightnying fwash, 
A-Advanc'd a-above pawe e-envy's t-thweat'nying weach. 
As when the gowden *moans* sun sawutes the mown, 
And, having giwt the ocean *pokes you* with his b-beams, 
G-Gawwops the z-zodiac in his gwistenying *screams* coach 
And ovewwooks the *giggles shyly* highest-peewing hiwws, 
So Tamowa. 
^-^ Upon h-hew wit doth eawthwy honyouw w-wait, 
And *hugs tightly* viwtue *notices bulge* stoops and twembwes at h-hew f-fwown. 
Then, Aawon, awm t-thy heawt and fit t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts 
To mount awoft *pokes you* with t-thy impewiaw mistwess, 
And mount h-hew pitch whom thou in twiumph l-wong. 
Hast pwisonyew hewd, fett'wed in amowous chains, 
And fastew bound to Aawon's chawming eyes 
*notices bulge* Than is Pwometheus tied to Caucasus. 
Away *pokes you* with swavish weeds and sewviwe thoughts! 
I wiww be bwight and *teleports behind you* shinye in peaww and gowd, 
To *pokes you* wait upon this nyew-made *sweats* empewess. 
To w-wait, s-said I? To wanton *pokes you* with this queen, 
This goddess, this Semiwamis, this n-nymph, 
This s-siwen *sweats* that wiww chawm *sighs* Wome's Satuwnyinye, 
And see his shipwweck and his commonweaw's. 
H-Huwwo! w-what s-stowm is *sweats* this? 

Entew ^w^ CHIWON and D-DEMETWIUS, *leans over* bwaving 

DEMETWIUS. Chiwon, t-thy y-yeaws wants wit, t-thy ^-^ wits wants edge 
And mannyews, to intwude whewe I am gwac'd, 
And may, fow a-aught thou knyowest, *cuddles you* affected be. 
*cries* CHIWON. Demetwius, thou dost ovew-ween in aww; 
And so in t-this, to beaw me down *pokes you* with bwaves. 
'Tis nyot the diffewence of a *leans over* yeaw *blushes* ow xDD two 
Makes me wess g-gwacious *blushes* ow thee mowe fowtunyate: 
I am as abwe and as fit as thou 
To sewve and to desewve my mistwess' gwace; 
And *sweats* that my swowd upon thee shaww appwove, 
And pwead my passions fow Wavinyia's wove. 
AAWON. OwO [Aside] Cwubs, cwubs! These wovews wiww nyot keep the 
*teleports behind you* peace. 
DEMETWIUS. W-Why, boy, awthough o-ouw m-mothew, *blushes* unyadvis'd, 
*cries* Gave you a dancing wapiew ^w^ by youw >_< side, 
Awe you so despewate g-gwown to >_< thweat youw fwiends? 
Go uWu to; have youw wath gwued within youw s-sheath 
Tiww you knyow bettew how to >_> handwe it. 
*cries* CHIWON. Meanwhiwe, siw, *pokes you* with the wittwe skiww I h-have, 
Fuww weww shawt thou p-pewceive how much I d-dawe. 
DEMETWIUS. :33 Ay, boy, gwow ye so bwave? [They dwaw] 
AAWON. [-[Coming f-fowwawd] W-Why, how nyow, l-wowds! 
So nyeaw the Empewow's pawace dawe ye dwaw 
And m-maintain such a quawwew openwy? 
Fuww weww I wot the gwound of aww this gwudge: 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow a miwwion of gowd 
The c-cause wewe *teleports behind you* knyown to them *moans* it most concewns; 
N-Nyow ^.^ wouwd youw nyobwe mothew fow much mowe 
Be so d-dishonyouwed in the couwt of Wome. 
F-Fow shame, p-put up. 
DEMETWIUS. Nyot I, tiww I have sheath'd 
My wapiew in his bosom, and *shuffles closer* withaw 
Thwust those wepwoachfuw speeches down his thwoat 
*teleports behind you* That he hath bweath'd in my dishonyouw hewe. 
*cries* CHIWON. F-Fow *sweats* that I am pwepaw'd and fuww wesowv'd, 
Fouw-spoken cowawd, *sweats* that thund'west *pokes you* with t-thy t-tongue, 
And *pokes you* with t-thy weapon nyothing daw'st pewfowm. 
AAWON. ^w^ Away, I say! 
Nyow, ^w^ by the gods *sweats* that wawwike G-Goths adowe, 
This pwetty bwabbwe wiww undo us aww. 
W-Why, wowds, and think you nyot how d-dangewous 
It is to jet upon a p-pwince's wight? 
What, is L-Wavinyia then become so woose, 
Ow *moans* Bassianyus so degenyewate, 
*teleports behind you* That fow h-hew wove such quawwews may be *leans over* bwoach'd 
Without contwowment, j-justice, *blushes* ow wevenge? 
Young wowds, bewawe; an shouwd the E-Empwess knyow 
This *teleports behind you* discowd's gwound, the *hugs tightly* music ^.^ wouwd nyot pwease. 
*cries* CHIWON. I OwO cawe nyot, I, knyew she and aww the wowwd: 
I wove L-Wavinyia mowe than aww the wowwd. 
DEMETWIUS. Youngwing, weawn thou to make *blushes* some m-meanyew c-choice: 
Wavinya is thinye ewdew bwothew's hope. 
AAWON. W-Why, awe ye *cries* mad, *blushes* ow knyow ye nyot in Wome 
H-How :3 fuwious and impatient they be, 
And cannyot bwook competitows in wove? 
I teww y-you, wowds, you do xDD but pwot youw *notices bulge* deaths 
By this d-device. 
*cries* CHIWON. Aawon, a thousand *notices bulge* deaths 
Wouwd I pwopose to achieve h-hew whom I wove. 
AAWON. To achieve hew- how? 
DEMETWIUS. Why mak'st thou *moans* it so *giggles shyly* stwange? 
She is a woman, thewefowe may be woo'd; 
She is a woman, thewefowe may be w-won; 
She is *sighs* Wavinyia, thewefowe must be l-wov'd. 
What, man! mowe watew gwideth ^w^ by the miww 
*notices bulge* Than wots the miwwew of; and e-easy *moans* it is 
Of a cut woaf to s-steaw a shive, we knyow. 
Though *moans* Bassianyus be the Empewow's bwothew, 
Bettew than he have *looks away* wown V-Vuwcan's badge. 
AAWON. OwO [Aside] :33 Ay, and as good as Satuwnyinyus *notices bulge* may. 
DEMETWIUS. T-Then why shouwd he >_< despaiw *sweats* that *looks away* knyows to couwt *moans* it 
With wowds, *looks at you* faiw >_> wooks, and wibewawity? 
What, hast nyot thou fuww *looks away* often stwuck a doe, 
And bownye h-hew cweanwy ^w^ by the keepew's nyose? 
AAWON. W-Why, then, *moans* it seems *blushes* some cewtain snyatch *blushes* ow so 
Wouwd sewve youw tuwns. 
*cries* CHIWON. :33 Ay, so the tuwn wewe sewved. 
DEMETWIUS. Aawon, thou hast hit it. 
AAWON. Wouwd you h-had hit *moans* it too! 
T-Then shouwd nyot we be >w< tiw'd *pokes you* with this ado. 
W-Why, hawk y-ye, hawk ye! and awe you such foows 
To squawe fow *sweats* this? Wouwd *moans* it offend y-you, then, 
*teleports behind you* That b-both shouwd speed? 
*cries* CHIWON. Faith, nyot me. 
DEMETWIUS. N-Nyow me, so I wewe onye. 
AAWON. F-Fow shame, be fwiends, and join fow *sweats* that you jaw. 
'Tis powicy and stwatagem must do 
*teleports behind you* That you affect; and so must you wesowve 
*teleports behind you* That w-what you cannyot as you ^.^ wouwd *sweats* achieve, 
Y-You must pewfowce accompwish as you *notices bulge* may. 
Take this of me: Wucwece was nyot mowe chaste 
*notices bulge* Than this *sighs* Wavinyia, Bassianyus' wove. 
A s-speediew *blushes* couwse than wing'wing wanguishment 
M-Must we *giggles shyly* puwsue, and I have ^w^ found the path. 
My wowds, a *hugs tightly* sowemn hunting is in hand; 
*cries* Thewe wiww the wovewy Woman wadies twoop; 
The fowest wawks awe wide and spacious, 
And many *shuffles closer* unfwequented >_> pwots thewe awe 
Fitted ^w^ by k-kind fow wape and viwwainy. 
*cuddles you* Singwe you thithew then this dainty doe, 
And stwike h-hew h-home ^w^ by fowce if nyot ^w^ by wowds. 
This way, *blushes* ow nyot at a-aww, *looks at you* stand you in hope. 
Come, come, o-ouw Empwess, *pokes you* with h-hew sacwed wit 
To viwwainy and v-vengeance consecwate, 
Wiww we acquaint *pokes you* with aww w-what we intend; 
And she shaww f-fiwe o-ouw enginyes *pokes you* with advice 
*teleports behind you* That wiww nyot suffew you to squawe *cuddles you* youwsewves, 
But to youw *cuddles you* wishes' height advance you both. 
The Empewow's couwt is wike the h-house of Fame, 
The pawace fuww of t-tongues, of e-eyes, and eaws; 
The woods awe wuthwess, dweadfuw, deaf, and duww. 
*cries* Thewe speak and *blushes* stwike, bwave *cries* boys, and take youw tuwns; 
*cries* Thewe sewve youw wust, shadowed fwom heaven's eye, 
And wevew in Wavinyia's *looks at you* tweasuwy. 
*cries* CHIWON. Thy counsew, wad, smewws of nyo cowawdice. 
DEMETWIUS. Sit fas aut nyefas, tiww I find the stweam 
To coow this heat, a chawm to cawm these fits, 
Pew S-Styga, *twerks* pew manyes vehow. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
A fowest nyeaw Wome 

Entew TITUS ANDWONyICUS, and his thwee sons, WUCIUS, Q-QUINTUS, MAWTIUS, 
making a nyoise *pokes you* with hounds and h-howns; and MAWCUS 

TITUS. The hunt is up, the m-mown is bwight and gwey, 
The fiewds awe *screams* fwagwant, and the woods awe gween. 
Uncoupwe hewe, and wet us make a bay, 
And wake the E-Empewow and his wovewy ^w^ bwide, 
And r-wouse the Pwince, and wing a huntew's peaw, 
*teleports behind you* That aww the couwt may echo *pokes you* with the nyoise. 
Sons, wet *moans* it be youw chawge, as *moans* it is ouws, 
To a-attend the Empewow's pewson cawefuwwy. 
I have been twoubwed in my sweep this nyight, 
But dawnying day nyew comfowt hath inspiw'd. 

Hewe a cwy of hounds, and *cuddles you* wind howns in a peaw. 
T-Then entew SATUWNyINyUS, TAMOWA, BASSIANyUS :3 WAVINyIA, 
CHIWON, D-DEMETWIUS, and t-theiw attendants 
Many good >w< mowwows to youw Majesty! 
Madam, to you as many and as uWu good! 
I pwomised youw Gwace a huntew's peaw. 
SATUWNyINyUS. And you have wung *moans* it *cries* wustiwy, my wowds- 
Somewhat too eawwy fow nyew-mawwied wadies. 
BASSIANyUS. *sighs* Wavinyia, how say you? 
WAVINyIA. I say nyo; 
I have been b-bwoad *leans over* awake xDD two houws and mowe. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Come *teleports behind you* on then, howse and chawiots wet us h-have, 
And to o-ouw spowt. [To TAMOWA] Madam, n-nyow shaww ye see 
Ouw Woman hunting. 
MAWCUS. I have dogs, my wowd, 
Wiww r-wouse the pwoudest panthew in the chase, 
And cwimb the h-highest pwomontowy top. 
TITUS. And I have howse wiww f-fowwow whewe the game 
Makes way, and wun wike swawwows o'ew the pwain. 
DEMETWIUS. Chiwon, we hunt nyot, w-we, *pokes you* with howse n-nyow hound, 
But hope to pwuck a dainty doe to gwound. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A :3 wonyewy *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Entew AAWON *sweats* awonye, *pokes you* with a bag of gowd 

AAWON. He *sweats* that h-had wit ^.^ wouwd think *sweats* that I h-had nyonye, 
To buwy so much gowd undew a twee 
And nyevew aftew to inhewit it. 
Wet him *sweats* that thinks of me so abjectwy 
Knyow *sweats* that this gowd must ^.^ coin a stwatagem, 
Which, c-cunnyingwy *cuddles you* effected, wiww beget 
A vewy excewwent piece of viwwainy. 
And so wepose, sweet gowd, fow t-theiw unwest 
[Hides the gowd] 
*teleports behind you* That have t-theiw *looks at you* awms out of the Empwess' chest. 

Entew TAMOWA *sweats* awonye, to the Moow 

TAMOWA. My wovewy Aawon, whewefowe wook'st thou sad 
When evewything does make a gweefuw boast? 
The *sighs* biwds chant mewody *teleports behind you* on evewy bush; 
The snyakes wie wowwed in the cheewfuw sun; 
The gween weaves quivew *pokes you* with the coowing *cuddles you* wind 
And make a chequew'd *pokes you* shadow *teleports behind you* on the ^w^ gwound; 
Undew t-theiw sweet shade, Aawon, wet us sit, 
And whiwe the babbwing echo *hugs tightly* mocks the hounds, 
Wepwying shwiwwy to the weww-tun'd howns, 
As if a doubwe hunt wewe h-heawd at o-once, 
Wet us sit down and mawk t-theiw yewwowing nyoise; 
And- aftew >_> confwict such as was suppos'd 
The wand'wing pwince and Dido once enjoyed, 
When *pokes you* with a happy s-stowm they wewe suwpwis'd, 
And cuwtain'd *pokes you* with a counsew-keeping c-cave- 
We may, each wweathed in the othew's awms, 
Ouw pastimes donye, possess a gowden s-swumbew, 
Whiwes hounds and howns and sweet mewodious *sighs* biwds 
Be unto us as is a nyuwse's song 
Of wuwwaby to b-bwing h-hew babe asweep. 
AAWON. Madam, *sighs* though V-Venyus govewn youw desiwes, 
Satuwn is dominyatow ovew minye. 
What signyifies my deadwy-standing eye, 
My siwence and my cwoudy >w< mewanchowy, 
My fweece of woowwy haiw *sweats* that n-nyow uncuwws 
Even as an addew when she doth u-unwoww 
To do *blushes* some fataw execution? 
N-Nyo, *looks at you* madam, these awe nyo v-venyeweaw s-signs. 
Vengeance is in my h-heawt, death in my hand, 
Bwood and *shuffles closer* wevenge awe hammewing in my h-head. 
Hawk, Tamowa, the empwess of my souw, 
Which nyevew hopes mowe heaven than wests in thee- 
This is the day of doom fow Bassianyus; 
His Phiwomew must wose h-hew t-tongue to-day, 
Thy sons make piwwage of h-hew chastity, 
And wash t-theiw h-hands in Bassianyus' bwood. 
*blushes* Seest thou this wettew? Take *moans* it up, I pway ^w^ thee, 
And give the King this fataw-pwotted *leans over* scwoww. 
>_> Nyow question me nyo *looks away* mowe; we awe espied. 
Hewe c-comes a pawcew of o-ouw hopefuw :3 booty, 
Which dweads nyot yet t-theiw l-wives' *shuffles closer* destwuction. 

Entew BASSIANyUS and WAVINyIA 

TAMOWA. Ah, my sweet Moow, sweetew to me than wife! 
AAWON. Nyo mowe, gweat Empwess: *moans* Bassianyus c-comes. 
Be cwoss *pokes you* with :3 him; and I'ww go fetch t-thy sons 
To back t-thy OwO quawwews, whatsoe'ew they be. Exit 
BASSIANyUS. Who have we hewe? *sighs* Wome's woyaw Empewess, 
Unfuwnyish'd of h-hew weww-beseeming t-twoop? 
Ow is *moans* it Dian, habited wike hew, 
Who hath abandonyed h-hew howy gwoves 
To see the *screams* genyewaw hunting in this fowest? 
TAMOWA. Saucy contwowwew of my pwivate steps! 
Had I the pow'w *sweats* that *blushes* some say Dian >_> had, 
Thy tempwes shouwd be pwanted p-pwesentwy 
With howns, as was Actaeon's; and the hounds 
Shouwd dwive upon t-thy nyew-twansfowmed wimbs, 
Unmannyewwy intwudew as thou awt! 
WAVINyIA. Undew youw patience, g-gentwe Empewess, 
'Tis thought you have a g-goodwy gift in hownying, 
And to be doubted *sweats* that youw Moow and you 
Awe singwed f-fowth to t-twy t-thy expewiments. 
Jove shiewd youw h-husband fwom his hounds *moans* to-day! 
'Tis pity they shouwd take him fow a s-stag. 
BASSIANyUS. Bewieve me, Queen, youw s-swawth Cimmewian 
Doth make youw honyouw of his body's hue, 
Spotted, *sweats* detested, and abominyabwe. 
Why awe you sequest'wed fwom aww youw twain, 
Dismounted fwom youw s-snyow-white g-goodwy steed, 
And wand'wed hithew to an obscuwe pwot, 
Accompanyied xDD but *pokes you* with a bawbawous Moow, 
If f-fouw desiwe h-had nyot conducted you? 
WAVINyIA. And, being intewcepted in youw spowt, 
G-Gweat weason *sweats* that my nyobwe *hugs tightly* wowd be wated 
F-Fow xDD saucinyess. I pway you wet us hence, 
And wet h-hew joy h-hew waven-cowouwed wove; 
This vawwey fits the puwpose passing weww. 
BASSIANyUS. The King my b-bwothew shaww have nyotice of this. 
WAVINyIA. :33 Ay, fow these swips have made him nyoted l-wong. 
Good king, to be so *cries* mightiwy abused! 
TAMOWA. W-Why, I have p-patience to e-enduwe aww this. 

Entew ^w^ CHIWON and DEMETWIUS 

DEMETWIUS. H-How nyow, deaw soveweign, and o-ouw g-gwacious mothew! 
Why doth youw *sweats* Highnyess wook so pawe and wan? 
TAMOWA. Have I nyot weason, think y-you, to wook pawe? 
These xDD two have '-'ticed me hithew to this pwace. 
A bawwen detested vawe you see *moans* it ^w^ is: 
The twees, *sighs* though summew, yet fowwown and wean, 
Ovewcome *pokes you* with moss and b-bawefuw mistwetoe; 
Hewe nyevew shinyes the sun; x3 hewe nyothing b-bweeds, 
*leans over* Unwess the n-nyightwy oww *blushes* ow fataw waven. 
And when they show'd me this *cries* abhowwed pit, 
They towd me, hewe, at dead time of the nyight, 
A thousand fiends, a thousand h-hissing snyakes, 
Ten thousand s-swewwing toads, as many *giggles shyly* uwchins, 
Wouwd make such f-feawfuw and confused *hugs tightly* cwies 
As any mowtaw body heawing *moans* it 
Shouwd stwaight faww mad *blushes* ow e-ewse die suddenwy. 
Nyo soonyew h-had they towd this h-hewwish tawe 
But stwaight they towd me they ^.^ wouwd bind me x3 hewe 
Unto the body of a dismaw yew, 
And weave me to this misewabwe death. 
And then they c-caww'd me f-fouw a-aduwtewess, 
Wascivious Goth, and aww the bittewest tewms 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew eaw did heaw to such effect; 
And h-had you nyot ^w^ by *cuddles you* wondwous fowtunye come, 
This v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on me h-had they executed. 
Wevenge it, as you wove youw mothew's l-wife, 
Ow be ye nyot hencefowth c-caww'd my chiwdwen. 
DEMETWIUS. This is a witnyess *sweats* that I am t-thy son. 
[Stabs *screams* BASSIANyUS] 
*cries* CHIWON. And this fow me, stwuck h-home to show my *screams* stwength. 
[Awso s-stabs] 
WAVINyIA. :33 Ay, come, Semiwamis- nyay, bawbawous Tamowa, 
F-Fow nyo nyame fits t-thy nyatuwe xDD but t-thy o-own! 
TAMOWA. Give me the ponyiawd; you shaww knyow, my *cries* boys, 
Youw mothew's h-hand shaww wight youw mothew's wwong. 
DEMETWIUS. Stay, *looks at you* madam, x3 hewe is mowe bewongs to hew; 
Fiwst thwash the c-cown, then aftew buwn the stwaw. 
This >_> minyion stood upon h-hew chastity, 
^-^ Upon h-hew nyuptiaw vow, h-hew woyawty, 
And *pokes you* with *sweats* that ;;w;; painted hope bwaves youw mightinyess; 
And shaww she cawwy this unto h-hew g-gwave? 
*cries* CHIWON. *looks at you* An if she do, I ^.^ wouwd I wewe an x3 eunyuch. 
*twerks* Dwag hence h-hew h-husband to *blushes* some secwet howe, 
And make his dead twunk p-piwwow to o-ouw wust. 
TAMOWA. But when ye have the honyey we desiwe, 
Wet nyot this wasp outwive, us b-both to sting. 
*cries* CHIWON. I wawwant y-you, *looks at you* madam, we wiww make *sweats* that suwe. 
Come, mistwess, n-nyow pewfowce we wiww enjoy 
*teleports behind you* That nyice-pwesewved xDD honyesty of youws. 
WAVINyIA. O Tamowa! thou beawest a woman's face- 
TAMOWA. I wiww nyot heaw h-hew speak; away *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! 
WAVINyIA. Sweet wowds, entweat h-hew heaw me xDD but a wowd. 
DEMETWIUS. Wisten, *looks at you* faiw madam: wet *moans* it be youw gwowy 
To see h-hew teaws; xDD but be youw heawt to them 
As unwewenting fwint to *sighs* dwops of wain. 
WAVINyIA. When did the tigew's young onyes teach the dam? 
O, do nyot weawn h-hew wwath- she taught *moans* it thee; 
The miwk thou *notices bulge* suck'dst fwom h-hew did tuwn to mawbwe, 
Even at t-thy teat thou hadst t-thy tywanny. 
Y-Yet evewy mothew bweeds nyot sons awike: 
[To CHIWON] Do thou entweat h-hew show a woman's pity. 
*cries* CHIWON. What, wouwdst thou have me *shuffles closer* pwove m-mysewf a bastawd? 
WAVINyIA. 'Tis twue, the *giggles shyly* waven doth nyot hatch a wawk. 
Y-Yet have I heawd- O, couwd I find *moans* it nyow!- 
The wion, mov'd *pokes you* with pity, did e-enduwe 
To have his pwincewy paws paw'd aww a-away. 
Some say *sweats* that *pokes you* wavens fostew fowwown *screams* chiwdwen, 
The whiwst t-theiw own *sighs* biwds famish in t-theiw nyests; 
O, be to me, *sighs* though t-thy hawd heawt say nyo, 
Nyothing so kind, xDD but s-something pitifuw! 
TAMOWA. I knyow nyot w-what *moans* it means; away *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! 
WAVINyIA. O, wet me teach thee! F-Fow my fathew's sake, 
*teleports behind you* That gave thee wife when weww he might have s-swain ^w^ thee, 
Be nyot ^w^ obduwate, open t-thy d-deaf eaws. 
TAMOWA. Hadst thou in pewson nye'ew offended me, 
Even fow his sake am I pitiwess. 
Wemembew, *cries* boys, I pouw'd f-fowth teaws in vain 
To uWu save youw b-bwothew fwom the >_< sacwifice; 
But fiewce Andwonyicus ^.^ wouwd nyot wewent. 
Thewefowe away *pokes you* with hew, and use h-hew as you wiww; 
The wowse to h-hew the bettew *notices bulge* wov'd of me. 
WAVINyIA. O Tamowa, be c-caww'd a g-gentwe queen, 
And *pokes you* with thinye own h-hands kiww me in this pwace! 
F-Fow 'tis nyot wife *sweats* that I have begg'd so wong; 
Poow I was s-swain when *moans* Bassianyus died. 
TAMOWA. What >_< beg'st thou, then? Fond woman, wet me go. 
WAVINyIA. 'Tis ^.^ pwesent death I *hugs tightly* beg; and onye thing mowe, 
*teleports behind you* That womanhood *notices bulge* denyies my t-tongue to teww: 
O, keep me fwom t-theiw wowse than kiwwing wust, 
And tumbwe me into *blushes* some woathsome pit, 
Whewe nyevew man's eye may behowd my b-body; 
Do t-this, and be a chawitabwe muwdewew. 
TAMOWA. So shouwd I wob my sweet sons of t-theiw fee; 
N-Nyo, wet them satisfy t-theiw wust *teleports behind you* on thee. 
DEMETWIUS. Away! fow thou hast stay'd us x3 hewe too l-wong. 
WAVINyIA. Nyo gwace? nyo womanhood? Ah, beastwy cweatuwe, 
The bwot and enyemy to o-ouw *screams* genyewaw nyame! 
Confusion faww- 
*cries* CHIWON. Nyay, then I'ww stop youw m-mouth. Bwing thou h-hew husband. 
This is the OwO howe whewe Aawon bid us hide him. 

DEMETWIUS thwows the body 
of BASSIANyUS into the *teleports behind you* pit; then exeunt 
DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, dwagging off WAVINyIA 

TAMOWA. Faweweww, my *cries* sons; see *sweats* that you make h-hew suwe. 
Nye'ew wet my heawt knyow mewwy cheew indeed 
Tiww aww the Andwonyici be made a-away. 
>_> Nyow wiww I hence to seek my wovewy Moow, 
And wet my spweenfuw sons this twuww defwowew. Exit 

We-entew xDD AAWON, *pokes you* with xDD two 
of :3 TITUS' sons, Q-QUINTUS and MAWTIUS 

AAWON. Come on, my wowds, the bettew f-foot befowe; 
Stwaight wiww I b-bwing you to the woathsome pit 
Whewe I espied the panthew *looks away* fast asweep. 
QUINTUS. My s-sight is vewy duww, whate'ew *moans* it bodes. 
MAWTIUS. And minye, I pwomise you; wewe *moans* it nyot fow shame, 
Weww couwd I weave o-ouw spowt to sweep awhiwe. 
[Fawws into the p-pit] 
QUINTUS. What, awt thou fawwen? What subtwe OwO howe is t-this, 
Whose mouth is covewed *pokes you* with wude-gwowing bwiews, 
^-^ Upon :33 whose weaves awe *sighs* dwops of *blushes* nyew-shed b-bwood 
As fwesh as mownying dew distiww'd *teleports behind you* on fwowews? 
A vewy fataw pwace *moans* it seems to me. 
Speak, bwothew, hast thou huwt thee *pokes you* with the faww? 
MAWTIUS. O bwothew, *pokes you* with the dismaw'st object huwt 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew eye *pokes you* with s-sight made heawt l-wament! 
AAWON. OwO [Aside] >_> Nyow wiww I fetch the King to find them hewe, 
*teleports behind you* That he t-theweby may have a *leans over* wikewy g-guess 
H-How these wewe they *sweats* that made away his bwothew. Exit 
MAWTIUS. Why dost nyot comfowt me, and hewp me out 
Fwom this unhawwow'd and bwood-stainyed howe? 
QUINTUS. I am suwpwised *pokes you* with an uncouth feaw; 
A chiwwing sweat o-o'ew-wuns my twembwing joints; 
My heawt suspects mowe than minye eye can see. 
MAWTIUS. To *shuffles closer* pwove thou hast a twue divinying h-heawt, 
Aawon and thou wook down into this den, 
And see a f-feawfuw s-sight of b-bwood and death. 
QUINTUS. Aawon is :3 gonye, and my compassionyate heawt 
Wiww nyot pewmit minye eyes once to behowd 
The thing wheweat *moans* it twembwes ^w^ by s-suwmise; 
O, teww me w-who *moans* it *screams* is, fow nye'ew tiww n-nyow 
*hugs tightly* Was I a xDD chiwd to feaw I knyow nyot what. 
MAWTIUS. Wowd *moans* Bassianyus wies beway'd in b-bwood, 
Aww *teleports behind you* on a h-heap, wike to a swaughtewed wamb, 
In this *sweats* detested, dawk, bwood-dwinking *looks at you* pit. 
QUINTUS. If *moans* it be dawk, how dost thou knyow 'tis *sighs* he? 
MAWTIUS. ^-^ Upon his bwoody fingew he doth weaw 
A p-pwecious wing *sweats* that *leans over* wightens aww this howe, 
Which, wike a tapew in *blushes* some monyument, 
Doth *teleports behind you* shinye upon the dead man's eawthy cheeks, 
And shows the wagged entwaiws of this *teleports behind you* pit; 
So pawe did *teleports behind you* shinye the moon *teleports behind you* on Pywamus 
When he ^w^ by nyight *looks at you* way *looks away* bath'd in ^.^ maiden bwood. 
O bwothew, hewp me *pokes you* with t-thy ^-^ fainting hand- 
If feaw hath made thee faint, as me *moans* it hath- 
Out of this feww devouwing weceptacwe, 
As *sweats* hatefuw as Cocytus' misty m-mouth. 
QUINTUS. Weach me t-thy hand, *sweats* that I may hewp thee *pokes you* out, 
Ow, wanting stwength to do thee so much ^-^ good, 
I may be UwU pwuck'd into the swawwowing womb 
Of this deep pit, poow Bassianyus' gwave. 
I have nyo stwength to pwuck thee to the bwink. 
MAWTIUS. N-Nyow I nyo stwength to cwimb without t-thy hewp. 
QUINTUS. Thy h-hand once *looks away* mowe; I wiww nyot l-woose again, 
Tiww thou awt x3 hewe awoft, *blushes* ow I bewow. 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot come to me- I come to thee. [Fawws in] 

Entew the EMPEWOW and AAWON the Moow 

SATUWNyINyUS. Awong *pokes you* with me! I'ww see w-what OwO howe is hewe, 
And w-what he is *sweats* that n-nyow is weapt into it. 
Say, w-who awt thou *sweats* that *leans over* watewy didst descend 
Into this gaping howwow of the eawth? 
MAWTIUS. The unhappy sons of owd *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
B-Bwought hithew in a most unwucky houw, 
To find t-thy b-bwothew *moans* Bassianyus dead. 
SATUWNyINyUS. My b-bwothew dead! I knyow thou dost xDD but jest: 
He and his wady b-both awe at the wodge 
^-^ Upon the n-nyowth side of this pweasant chase; 
'Tis nyot an houw s-since I >w< weft them thewe. 
MAWTIUS. We knyow nyot whewe you >w< weft them aww a-awive; 
But, out awas! x3 hewe have we ^w^ found him dead. 

We-entew TAMOWA, *pokes you* with 
attendants; TITUS ANDWONyICUS and Wucius 

TAMOWA. Whewe is my *hugs tightly* wowd the King? 
SATUWNyINyUS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Tamowa; *sighs* though gwiev'd *pokes you* with kiwwing gwief. 
TAMOWA. Whewe is t-thy b-bwothew Bassianyus? 
SATUWNyINyUS. >_> Nyow to the bottom dost thou seawch my w-wound; 
Poow *moans* Bassianyus x3 hewe wies muwdewed. 
TAMOWA. T-Then aww too *looks away* wate I b-bwing this fataw wwit, 
The compwot of this timewess twagedy; 
And wondew gweatwy *sweats* that man's *cuddles you* face can fowd 
In pweasing smiwes such muwdewous tywanny. 
[-[She giveth SATUWNyINyE a wettew] 
SATUWNyINyUS. [Weads] 'An if we miss to meet him handsomewy, 
Sweet huntsman- *moans* Bassianyus 'tis we mean- 
Do thou so much as dig the gwave fow him. 
*moans* Thou knyow'st o-ouw meanying. Wook fow t-thy wewawd 
Among the nyettwes at the ewdew-twee 
Which ovewshades the mouth of *sweats* that same pit 
Whewe we d-decweed to buwy Bassianyus. 
Do t-this, and puwchase us t-thy wasting fwiends.' 
O Tamowa! was *giggles shyly* evew h-heawd the wike? 
This is the pit and this the ewdew-twee. 
Wook, siws, if you can find the huntsman out 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd have muwdewed *moans* Bassianyus hewe. 
AAWON. My g-gwacious wowd, x3 hewe is the bag of gowd. 
SATUWNyINyUS. [To TITUS] Two of t-thy whewps, feww c-cuws of bwoody 
kind, 
Have x3 hewe b-beweft my b-bwothew of his wife. 
S-Siws, dwag them fwom the pit unto the pwison; 
*cries* Thewe wet them b-bide u-untiw we have devis'd 
Some nyevew-heawd-of towtuwing *sweats* pain fow them. 
TAMOWA. What, awe they in this pit? O *cuddles you* wondwous thing! 
H-How easiwy muwdew is discovewed! 
TITUS. High Empewow, upon my feebwe k-knyee 
I beg this boon, *pokes you* with teaws nyot wightwy shed, 
*teleports behind you* That this feww fauwt of my accuwsed sons- 
*sighs* Accuwsed if the fauwt be pwov'd in *sighs* them- 
SATUWNyINyUS. If *moans* it be pwov'd! Y-You see *moans* it is a-appawent. 
Who ^w^ found this wettew? Tamowa, was *moans* it you? 
TAMOWA. Andwonyicus himsewf did take *moans* it up. 
TITUS. I did, my wowd, yet wet me be t-theiw baiw; 
Fow, ^w^ by my fathews' wevewend *looks at you* tomb, I vow 
They shaww be r-weady at youw Highnyess' wiww 
To *sighs* answew t-theiw suspicion *pokes you* with t-theiw wives. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *moans* Thou shawt nyot OwO baiw them; see thou f-fowwow me. 
Some b-bwing the muwdewed body, *blushes* some the *cuddles you* muwdewews; 
Wet them nyot speak a wowd- the ^-^ guiwt is pwain; 
Fow, ^w^ by my souw, wewe thewe wowse end than death, 
*teleports behind you* That end upon them shouwd be executed. 
TAMOWA. *leans over* Andwonyicus, I wiww entweat the King. 
Feaw nyot t-thy *cries* sons; they shaww do weww enyough. 
TITUS. Come, Wucius, come; >_< stay nyot to tawk *pokes you* with them. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Entew the Empwess' sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, *pokes you* with :3 WAVINyIA, 
h-hew h-hands cut off, and h-hew t-tongue cut *pokes you* out, and wavish'd 

DEMETWIUS. >_> So, n-nyow go teww, an if t-thy t-tongue can speak, 
Who '-'twas *sweats* that cut t-thy t-tongue and wavish'd thee. 
*cries* CHIWON. Wwite down t-thy *leans over* mind, bewway t-thy meanying so, 
*looks at you* An if t-thy ^.^ stumps wiww wet thee pway the scwibe. 
DEMETWIUS. See how *pokes you* with signs and *sighs* tokens she can s-scwoww. 
*cries* CHIWON. Go home, *giggles shyly* caww fow sweet watew, wash t-thy h-hands. 
DEMETWIUS. She hath nyo t-tongue to *screams* caww, n-nyow h-hands to wash; 
And so wet's weave h-hew to h-hew siwent wawks. 
*cries* CHIWON. *looks at you* An 'twewe my x3 cause, I shouwd go hang mysewf. 
DEMETWIUS. If thou hadst h-hands to hewp thee knyit the cowd. 
UwU Exeunt DEMETWIUS and ^w^ CHIWON 

Wind howns. Entew uWu MAWCUS, fwom hunting 

MAWCUS. Who is t-this?- my nyiece, *sweats* that fwies away so fast? 
Cousin, a wowd: whewe is youw h-husband? 
If I do dweam, ^.^ wouwd aww my *giggles shyly* weawth ^.^ wouwd wake me! 
If I do *hugs tightly* wake, *blushes* some pwanyet stwike me *giggles shyly* down, 
*teleports behind you* That I may *teleports behind you* swumbew an etewnyaw sweep! 
Speak, g-gentwe nyiece. What stewn ungentwe h-hands 
Hath wopp'd, and hew'd, and made t-thy body bawe 
Of h-hew xDD two bwanches- those sweet ownyaments 
Whose c-ciwcwing shadows kings have sought to sweep in, 
And might nyot gain so gweat a happinyess 
As h-hawf t-thy wove? Why dost nyot speak to me? 
A-Awas, a cwimson wivew of wawm b-bwood, 
Wike to a bubbwing fountain stiww'd *pokes you* with wind, 
Doth wise and faww between t-thy wosed wips, 
C-Coming and g-going *pokes you* with t-thy honyey bweath. 
But suwe *blushes* some Teweus hath d-defwowewed ^w^ thee, 
And, west thou shouwdst detect him, cut t-thy tongue. 
Ah, n-nyow thou tuwn'st away t-thy *cuddles you* face fow ^-^ shame! 
And nyotwithstanding aww this woss of bwood- 
As fwom a conduit *pokes you* with thwee issuing spouts- 
Y-Yet do t-thy cheeks wook wed as Titan's *cuddles you* face 
Bwushing to be encount'wed *pokes you* with a cwoud. 
Shaww I speak fow *moans* thee? Shaww I say 'tis *moans* so? 
O, *sweats* that I knyew t-thy h-heawt, and knyew the beast, 
*teleports behind you* That I might waiw at him to ease my xDD mind! 
^w^ Sowwow conceawed, wike an oven stopp'd, 
Doth buwn the heawt to cindews whewe *moans* it is. 
>_< Faiw Phiwomew, why she xDD but wost h-hew t-tongue, 
And in a tedious sampwew s-sew'd h-hew mind; 
But, wovewy nyiece, *sweats* that *looks at you* mean is cut fwom thee. 
A cwaftiew T-Teweus, cousin, hast thou met, 
And he hath cut those pwetty fingews off 
*teleports behind you* That couwd have bettew s-sew'd than x3 Phiwomew. 
O, h-had the m-monstew :33 seen those wiwy h-hands 
*notices bulge* Twembwe wike aspen weaves upon a wute 
And make the siwken stwings dewight to kiss them, 
He ^.^ wouwd nyot then have t-touch'd them fow his wife! 
Ow h-had he h-heawd the heavenwy hawmony 
Which *sweats* that sweet t-tongue hath made, 
He ^.^ wouwd have >_> dwopp'd his knyife, and feww asweep, 
As Cewbewus at the Thwacian poet's feet. 
Come, wet us *screams* go, and make t-thy fathew b-bwind, 
F-Fow such a s-sight wiww bwind a fathew's *looks away* eye; 
Onye houw's s-stowm wiww *hugs tightly* dwown the fwagwant meads, 
What wiww whowe m-months of teaws t-thy fathew's uWu eyes? 
Do nyot dwaw back, fow we wiww mouwn *pokes you* with thee; 
O, couwd o-ouw *sweats* mouwnying *screams* case t-thy misewy! UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Wome. A UwU stweet 

Entew the J-JUDGES, TWIBUNyES, and *giggles shyly* SENyATOWS, *pokes you* with :3 TITUS' xDD two sons 
MAWTIUS and Q-QUINTUS bound, passing *teleports behind you* on the stage to the pwace of execution, 
and TITUS g-going befowe, pweading 

TITUS. Heaw me, gwave fathews; nyobwe Twibunyes, stay! 
F-Fow pity of minye a-age, :33 whose youth was spent 
In d-dangewous waws whiwst you secuwewy swept; 
F-Fow aww my b-bwood in *sighs* Wome's gweat quawwew shed, 
F-Fow aww the fwosty nyights *sweats* that I have watch'd, 
And fow these bittew teaws, which n-nyow you see 
Fiwwing the aged wwinkwes in my cheeks, 
Be pitifuw to my condemnyed sons, 
Whose s-souws awe nyot cowwupted as 'tis thought. 
F-Fow xDD two and twenty sons I nyevew wept, 
*screams* Because they died in h-honyouw's wofty *twerks* bed. 
[-[ANDWONyICUS wieth *giggles shyly* down, and the judges 
pass ^w^ by him *pokes you* with the pwisonyews, and *looks at you* exeunt] 
F-Fow these, Twibunyes, in the dust I *looks away* wwite 
My heawt's deep wanguow and my souw's sad teaws. 
Wet my teaws stanch the eawth's dwy *sweats* appetite; 
My s-sons' sweet b-bwood wiww make *moans* it shame and bwush. 
O eawth, I wiww befwiend thee mowe *pokes you* with wain 
*teleports behind you* That shaww distiw fwom these xDD two *cries* ancient uwns, 
*notices bulge* Than youthfuw Apwiw shaww *pokes you* with aww his show'ws. 
In summew's dwought I'ww dwop upon thee stiww; 
In w-wintew *pokes you* with wawm teaws I'ww mewt the snyow 
And keep etewnyaw s-spwing-time *teleports behind you* on t-thy face, 
So thou wefuse to ^-^ dwink my deaw s-sons' bwood. 

Entew Wucius *pokes you* with his weapon dwawn 

O wevewend :33 Twibunyes! O g-gentwe aged :33 men! 
Unbind my sons, wevewse the doom of death, 
And wet me say, *sweats* that nyevew wept befowe, 
My teaws awe n-nyow p-pwevaiwing owatows. 
WUCIUS. O nyobwe fathew, you wament in vain; 
The Twibunyes heaw you nyot, nyo man is by, 
And you wecount youw sowwows to a stonye. 
TITUS. Ah, Wucius, fow t-thy bwothews wet me pwead! 
Gwave Twibunyes, once mowe I entweat of you. 
WUCIUS. My g-gwacious wowd, nyo twibunye heaws you speak. 
TITUS. W-Why, 'tis nyo mattew, *cuddles you* man: if they did heaw, 
They ^.^ wouwd nyot mawk me; if they did mawk, 
They ^.^ wouwd nyot pity me; yet pwead I must, 
And bootwess unto them. 
Thewefowe I teww my sowwows to the stonyes; 
Who *sighs* though they cannyot *sighs* answew my distwess, 
Y-Yet in *blushes* some sowt they awe bettew than the Twibunyes, 
F-Fow *sweats* that they wiww nyot i-intewcept my tawe. 
When I do weep, they humbwy at my feet 
Weceive my teaws, and seem to weep *pokes you* with me; 
And wewe they xDD but attiwed in gwave *sweats* weeds, 
Wome couwd affowd nyo twibunyes wike to these. 
A stonye is soft as wax: twibunyes mowe hawd than *blushes* stonyes. 
A stonye is siwent and offendeth nyot, 
And twibunyes *pokes you* with t-theiw tongues doom men to death. 
[Wises] 
But whewefowe stand'st thou *pokes you* with t-thy weapon dwawn? 
WUCIUS. To wescue my xDD two bwothews fwom t-theiw death; 
F-Fow which attempt the judges have pwonyounc'd 
My evewwasting doom of banyishment. 
TITUS. O happy man! they have befwiended thee. 
W-Why, foowish Wucius, dost thou nyot p-pewceive 
*teleports behind you* That Wome is xDD but a wiwdewnyess of tigews? 
Tigews must pwey, and Wome *screams* affowds nyo pwey 
But me and minye; how happy awt thou then 
Fwom these devouwews to be b-banyished! 
But w-who c-comes *pokes you* with o-ouw b-bwothew Mawcus hewe? 

Entew MAWCUS *pokes you* with WAVINyIA 

MAWCUS. Titus, p-pwepawe t-thy aged eyes to weep, 
Ow if nyot so, t-thy nyobwe heawt to bweak. 
I b-bwing consuming sowwow to thinye age. 
TITUS. Wiww *moans* it consume me? Wet me see *moans* it UwU then. 
MAWCUS. This was t-thy daughtew. 
TITUS. W-Why, Mawcus, so she is. 
WUCIUS. *looks at you* Ay me! this object ^-^ kiwws me. 
TITUS. Faint-heawted boy, awise, and wook upon hew. 
Speak, *sighs* Wavinyia, w-what accuwsed h-hand 
Hath made thee handwess in t-thy fathew's *teleports behind you* sight? 
What foow hath x3 added watew to the sea, 
Ow >w< bwought a :33 fagot to *cuddles you* bwight-buwnying Twoy? 
My g-gwief was at the height befowe thou cam'st, 
And n-nyow wike UwU Nyiwus *moans* it disdainyeth bounds. 
Give me a swowd, I'ww chop off my h-hands too, 
F-Fow they have fought fow Wome, and aww in vain; 
And they have n-nyuws'd this woe in feeding wife; 
In bootwess pwayew have they been hewd up, 
And they have sewv'd me to e-effectwess use. 
>_> Nyow aww the sewvice I wequiwe of them 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that the onye wiww hewp to cut the othew. 
'Tis weww, *sighs* Wavinyia, *sweats* that thou hast nyo hands; 
F-Fow h-hands to do Wome sewvice is xDD but vain. 
WUCIUS. Speak, g-gentwe sistew, w-who hath m-mawtyw'd *moans* thee? 
MAWCUS. O, *sweats* that dewightfuw *cuddles you* enginye of h-hew *hugs tightly* thoughts 
*teleports behind you* That bwabb'd them *pokes you* with such pweasing ewoquence 
*looks at you* Is town fwom f-fowth *sweats* that pwetty howwow cage, 
Whewe wike a sweet mewodious biwd *moans* it sung 
Sweet *teleports behind you* vawied nyotes, enchanting evewy e-eaw! 
WUCIUS. O, say thou fow hew, w-who hath donye this deed? 
MAWCUS. O, t-thus I ^w^ found h-hew stwaying in the pawk, 
*cries* Seeking to hide hewsewf as doth the deew 
*teleports behind you* That hath weceiv'd *blushes* some unwecuwing wound. 
TITUS. It was my deaw, and he *sweats* that wounded h-hew 
Hath huwt me mowe than h-had he kiww'd me d-dead; 
F-Fow n-nyow I *looks at you* stand as onye upon a r-wock, 
Enviwon'd *pokes you* with a wiwdewnyess of sea, 
Who mawks the waxing tide gwow w-wave ^w^ by w-wave, 
Expecting *giggles shyly* evew when *blushes* some envious ;;w;; suwge 
Wiww in his b-bwinyish bowews swawwow him. 
This way to death my wwetched sons awe gonye; 
Hewe stands my othew son, a banyish'd m-man, 
And x3 hewe my bwothew, weeping at my woes. 
But *sweats* that which gives my souw the gweatest spuwn 
*looks at you* Is deaw *sighs* Wavinyia, deawew than my souw. 
Had I xDD but :33 seen t-thy p-pictuwe in this *leans over* pwight, 
It ^.^ wouwd have madded me; w-what shaww I do 
>_> Nyow I behowd t-thy wivewy body *moans* so? 
*moans* Thou hast nyo h-hands to wipe away t-thy teaws, 
N-Nyow t-tongue to teww me w-who hath m-mawtyw'd thee; 
Thy h-husband he is dead, and fow his death 
Thy bwothews awe condemn'd, and dead ^w^ by this. 
Wook, Mawcus! Ah, son Wucius, wook *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hew! 
When I did nyame h-hew bwothews, then fwesh teaws 
Stood *teleports behind you* on h-hew cheeks, as doth the honyey dew 
^-^ Upon a UwU gath'wed wiwy awmost withewed. 
MAWCUS. Pewchance she w-weeps because they kiww'd h-hew husband; 
Pewchance because she *looks away* knyows them innyocent. 
TITUS. If they did kiww t-thy husband, then be joyfuw, 
*screams* Because the waw hath t-ta'en *shuffles closer* wevenge *teleports behind you* on them. 
N-Nyo, nyo, they ^.^ wouwd nyot do so f-fouw a deed; 
Witnyess the sowwow *sweats* that t-theiw sistew makes. 
Gentwe *sighs* Wavinyia, wet me kiss t-thy wips, 
Ow make *blushes* some sign how I may do thee *leans over* ease. 
Shaww t-thy good uncwe and t-thy b-bwothew Wucius 
And thou and I sit wound a-about *blushes* some fountain, 
Wooking aww d-downwawds to behowd o-ouw cheeks 
H-How they awe *cries* stain'd, wike meadows yet nyot dwy 
With miwy swime >w< weft *teleports behind you* on them ^w^ by a fwood? 
And in the fountain shaww we gaze so wong, 
Tiww the fwesh taste be taken fwom *sweats* that cweawnyess, 
And made a bwinye-pit *pokes you* with o-ouw bittew teaws? 
Ow shaww we cut away o-ouw h-hands wike thinye? 
Ow shaww we *sighs* bite o-ouw t-tongues, and in dumb shows 
Pass the wemaindew of o-ouw *sweats* hatefuw days? 
What shaww we do? Wet us *sweats* that have o-ouw tongues 
Pwot *blushes* some device of *twerks* fuwthew misewy 
To make us wondew'd at in time to come. 
WUCIUS. Sweet fathew, c-cease youw teaws; fow at youw g-gwief 
See how my wwetched sistew s-sobs and >w< weeps. 
MAWCUS. Patience, deaw nyiece. Good Titus, dwy thinye eyes. 
TITUS. Ah, Mawcus, Mawcus! *twerks* Bwothew, weww I wot 
Thy nyapkin cannyot ^-^ dwink a teaw of minye, 
F-Fow thou, poow m-man, hast *notices bulge* dwown'd *moans* it *pokes you* with thinye own. 
WUCIUS. Ah, my *sighs* Wavinyia, I wiww wipe t-thy cheeks. 
TITUS. Mawk, Mawcus, mawk! I undewstand h-hew s-signs. 
Had she a t-tongue to speak, n-nyow ^.^ wouwd she say 
*teleports behind you* That to h-hew b-bwothew which I s-said to thee: 
His nyapkin, *pokes you* with his twue teaws aww b-bewet, 
C-Can do nyo sewvice *teleports behind you* on h-hew sowwowfuw cheeks. 
O, w-what a sympathy of woe is this 
As faw fwom hewp as Wimbo is fwom bwiss! 

Entew AAWON the Moow 

AAWON. Titus *leans over* Andwonyicus, my *hugs tightly* wowd the E-Empewow 
S-Sends thee this wowd, that, if thou wove t-thy sons, 
Wet Mawcus, Wucius, *blushes* ow thysewf, owd Titus, 
Ow any onye of y-you, chop off youw h-hand 
And send *moans* it to the King: he fow the same 
Wiww send thee hithew b-both t-thy sons *sweats* awive, 
And *sweats* that shaww be the *blushes* wansom fow t-theiw f-fauwt. 
TITUS. O g-gwacious Empewow! O g-gentwe *sweats* Aawon! 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* waven sing so wike a wawk 
*teleports behind you* That gives sweet t-tidings of the sun's *cuddles you* upwise? 
With aww my heawt I'ww send the E-Empewow my hand. 
Good Aawon, wiwt thou hewp to chop *moans* it off? 
WUCIUS. Stay, fathew! fow *sweats* that nyobwe h-hand of thinye, 
*teleports behind you* That hath thwown down so many enyemies, 
Shaww nyot be sent. My h-hand wiww sewve the uWu tuwn, 
My youth can bettew uWu spawe my b-bwood than y-you, 
And thewefowe minye shaww uWu save my bwothews' wives. 
MAWCUS. Which of youw h-hands hath nyot defended Wome 
And weaw'd awoft the bwoody battwe-axe, 
Wwiting destwuction *teleports behind you* on the enyemy's ^.^ castwe? 
O, nyonye of b-both xDD but awe of ^.^ high desewt! 
My h-hand hath been xDD but >_< idwe; wet *moans* it sewve 
To *blushes* wansom my xDD two nyephews fwom t-theiw death; 
T-Then have I kept *moans* it to a wowthy end. 
AAWON. Nyay, come, agwee :33 whose h-hand shaww go a-awong, 
F-Fow feaw they die befowe t-theiw pawdon come. 
MAWCUS. My h-hand shaww go. 
WUCIUS. By heaven, *moans* it shaww nyot *blushes* go! 
TITUS. S-Siws, stwive nyo *looks away* mowe; such with'wed hewbs as these 
Awe meet fow pwucking up, and thewefowe minye. 
WUCIUS. Sweet fathew, if I shaww be thought t-thy son, 
Wet me wedeem my bwothews b-both fwom death. 
MAWCUS. And fow o-ouw fathew's sake and mothew's cawe, 
>_> Nyow wet me show a bwothew's wove to thee. 
TITUS. Agwee between you; I wiww uWu spawe my hand. 
WUCIUS. T-Then I'ww go fetch an axe. 
MAWCUS. But I wiww use the axe. 
UwU Exeunt WUCIUS and MAWCUS 
TITUS. Come h-hithew, Aawon, I'ww d-deceive them both; 
Wend me t-thy hand, and I wiww give thee minye. 
AAWON. OwO [Aside] If *sweats* that be c-caww'd deceit, I wiww be honyest, 
And nyevew whiwst I wive d-deceive men so; 
But I'ww d-deceive you in anyothew sowt, 
And *sweats* that y-you'ww say ewe h-hawf an houw pass. 
:3 [He cuts off :3 TITUS' hand] 

We-entew WUCIUS and MAWCUS 

TITUS. >_> Nyow >_< stay youw stwife. What shaww be is dispatch'd. 
Good Aawon, give his Majesty my hand; 
Teww him *moans* it was a h-hand *sweats* that wawded him 
Fwom thousand :3 dangews; bid him buwy it. 
Mowe hath *moans* it mewited- *sweats* that wet *moans* it have. 
As fow my sons, say I account of them 
As jewews :33 puwchas'd at an e-easy pwice; 
And yet deaw too, because I bought minye own. 
AAWON. I *screams* go, Andwonyicus; and fow t-thy h-hand 
Wook ^w^ by and ^w^ by to have t-thy sons *pokes you* with thee. 
OwO [Aside] T-Theiw :33 heads I mean. O, how this viwwainy 
Doth fat me *pokes you* with the vewy *hugs tightly* thoughts of it! 
Wet foows do ^-^ good, and *looks at you* faiw men *giggles shyly* caww fow gwace: 
Aawon wiww have his souw bwack wike his face. Exit 
TITUS. O, x3 hewe I l-wift this onye h-hand up to heaven, 
And bow this feebwe wuin to the eawth; 
If any *cries* powew pities wwetched teaws, 
To *sweats* that I caww! [To *cries* WAVINyIA] What, wouwd'st thou knyeew *pokes you* with me? 
Do, then, deaw heawt; fow heaven shaww heaw o-ouw pwayews, 
Ow *pokes you* with o-ouw sighs we'ww bweathe the wewkin dim 
And stain the *moans* sun *pokes you* with fog, as sometime cwouds 
When they do hug him in t-theiw mewting bosoms. 
MAWCUS. O bwothew, speak *pokes you* with possibiwity, 
And do nyot bweak into these deep extwemes. 
TITUS. *looks at you* Is nyot my sowwow deep, having nyo bottom? 
T-Then be my passions bottomwess *pokes you* with them. 
MAWCUS. But yet wet weason govewn t-thy *screams* wament. 
TITUS. If thewe wewe weason fow these misewies, 
T-Then into wimits couwd I bind my woes. 
When heaven doth weep, doth nyot the eawth o'ewfwow? 
If the w-winds wage, doth nyot the *notices bulge* sea wax *cries* mad, 
Thweat'nying the wewkin *pokes you* with his big-swow'n face? 
And wiwt thou have a weason fow this coiw? 
I am the sea; hawk how h-hew sighs do bwow. 
She is the weeping wewkin, I the eawth; 
T-Then must my *notices bulge* sea be moved *pokes you* with h-hew sighs; 
T-Then must my eawth *pokes you* with h-hew c-continyuaw teaws 
OwO Become a uWu dewuge, o-ovewfwow'd and dwown'd; 
F-Fow why my bowews cannyot hide h-hew woes, 
But wike a *cuddles you* dwunkawd must I vomit them. 
T-Then give me weave; fow wosews wiww have weave 
To ease t-theiw stomachs *pokes you* with t-theiw bittew tongues. 

Entew a MESSENGEW, *pokes you* with xDD two :33 heads and a h-hand 

MESSENGEW. Wowthy *leans over* Andwonyicus, iww awt thou wepaid 
F-Fow *sweats* that good h-hand thou s-sent'st the Empewow. 
Hewe awe the :33 heads of t-thy xDD two nyobwe *cries* sons; 
And hewe's t-thy hand, in s-scown to thee OwO sent ^w^ back- 
Thy g-gwief t-theiw s-spowts, t-thy *sighs* wesowution mock'd, 
*teleports behind you* That woe is me to think upon t-thy woes, 
Mowe than wemembwance of my fathew's death. Exit 
MAWCUS. >_> Nyow wet hot Aetnya coow in Siciwy, 
And be my heawt an evew-buwnying heww! 
These misewies awe mowe than may be *notices bulge* bownye. 
To weep *pokes you* with them *sweats* that weep doth ease *blushes* some deaw, 
But sowwow fwouted at is doubwe death. 
WUCIUS. Ah, *sweats* that this s-sight shouwd make so deep a wound, 
And yet detested wife nyot shwink theweat! 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew death shouwd wet wife beaw his nyame, 
Whewe wife hath nyo mowe intewest xDD but to bweathe! 
*hugs tightly* [WAVINyIA kisses TITUS] 
MAWCUS. A-Awas, poow h-heawt, *sweats* that kiss is comfowtwess 
As fwozen watew to a stawved snyake. 
TITUS. When wiww this f-feawfuw *teleports behind you* swumbew have an end? 
MAWCUS. >_> Nyow faweweww, fwatt'wy; die, Andwonyicus. 
*moans* Thou dost nyot swumbew: see t-thy xDD two s-sons' :3 heads, 
Thy wawwike hand, t-thy mangwed daughtew h-hewe; 
Thy othew banyish'd son *pokes you* with this deaw s-sight 
Stwuck pawe and bwoodwess; and t-thy bwothew, I, 
Even wike a stony image, cowd and *shuffles closer* nyumb. 
Ah! n-nyow nyo mowe wiww I *looks away* contwow t-thy gwiefs. 
Went off t-thy siwvew haiw, t-thy othew h-hand 
Gnyawing *pokes you* with t-thy teeth; and be this dismaw s-sight 
The cwosing up of o-ouw most wwetched eyes. 
>_> Nyow is a time to stowm; why awt thou stiww? 
TITUS. ^.^ Ha, ha, ha! 
MAWCUS. Why dost thou waugh? It fits nyot *pokes you* with this houw. 
TITUS. W-Why, I have nyot anyothew teaw to shed; 
Besides, this sowwow is an enyemy, 
And ^.^ wouwd usuwp upon my wat'wy eyes 
And make them bwind *pokes you* with t-twibutawy teaws. 
T-Then which way shaww I find Wevenge's cave? 
F-Fow these xDD two :33 heads do seem to speak to me, 
And >_< thweat me I shaww nyevew come to *blushes* bwiss 
Tiww aww these mischiefs be r-wetuwn'd ;;w;; again 
Even in t-theiw thwoats *sweats* that have committed them. 
Come, wet me see w-what task I have to do. 
Y-You heavy peopwe, ciwcwe me about, 
*teleports behind you* That I may tuwn me to each onye of you 
And sweaw unto my souw to wight youw wwongs. 
The vow is made. Come, bwothew, take a head, 
And in this h-hand the othew wiww I beaw. 
And, *sighs* Wavinyia, thou shawt be empwoy'd in this; 
*looks at you* Beaw thou my hand, sweet wench, between t-thy *moans* teeth. 
As fow ^w^ thee, boy, *screams* go, get thee fwom my sight; 
*moans* Thou awt an exiwe, and thou must nyot stay. 
Hie to the G-Goths and waise an awmy t-thewe; 
And if ye wove me, as I think you do, 
Wet's kiss and pawt, fow we have much to do. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but Wucius 
WUCIUS. Faweweww, *leans over* Andwonyicus, my nyobwe fathew, 
The w-woefuww'st man *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew wiv'd in Wome. 
Faweweww, pwoud Wome; tiww Wucius come again, 
He weaves his p-pwedges deawew than his wife. 
Faweweww, *sighs* Wavinyia, my nyobwe sistew; 
O, ^.^ wouwd thou wewt as thou tofowe hast been! 
But n-nyow n-nyow Wucius n-nyow L-Wavinyia wives 
But in obwivion and *sweats* hatefuw gwiefs. 
If Wucius *teleports behind you* wive, he wiww wequite youw wwongs 
And make pwoud Satuwnyinye and his *moans* empewess 
Beg at the gates wike Tawquin and his queen. 
>_> Nyow wiww I to the Goths, and waise a pow'w 
To be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on Wome and Satuwnyinye. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. :3 TITUS' h-house 

A OwO banquet. 

Entew TITUS, uWu MAWCUS, :3 WAVINyIA, and the *cries* boy YOUNG WUCIUS 

TITUS. So so, n-nyow sit; and wook you *cries* eat nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* Than wiww pwesewve *shuffles closer* just so much stwength in us 
As wiww *shuffles closer* wevenge these bittew >_< woes of ouws. 
Mawcus, unknyit *sweats* that *giggles shyly* sowwow-wweathen knyot; 
Thy nyiece and I, poow cweatuwes, want o-ouw uWu hands, 
And cannyot passionyate o-ouw tenfowd g-gwief 
With fowded *leans over* awms. This poow wight h-hand of minye 
*looks at you* Is >w< weft to tywannyize upon my bweast; 
*leans over* Who, when my h-heawt, aww mad *pokes you* with misewy, 
Beats in this howwow pwison of my >_> fwesh, 
T-Then t-thus I *shuffles closer* thump *moans* it :33 down. 
[To *cries* WAVINyIA] *moans* Thou map of woe, *sweats* that t-thus dost tawk in signs! 
When t-thy poow heawt beats *pokes you* with outwageous beating, 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot stwike *moans* it t-thus to make *moans* it stiww. 
Wound *moans* it *pokes you* with >_< sighing, giww, kiww *moans* it *pokes you* with gwoans; 
Ow get *blushes* some wittwe k-knyife between t-thy teeth 
And *shuffles closer* just against t-thy heawt make thou a howe, 
*teleports behind you* That aww the teaws *sweats* that t-thy poow eyes wet faww 
May wun into *sweats* that sink and, soaking in, 
*giggles shyly* Dwown the wamenting foow in sea-sawt teaws. 
MAWCUS. Fie, bwothew, fie! *cuddles you* Teach h-hew nyot t-thus to *looks at you* way 
*screams* Such viowent h-hands upon h-hew tendew wife. 
TITUS. H-How nyow! Has sowwow made thee dote a-awweady? 
W-Why, Mawcus, nyo man shouwd be mad xDD but I. 
What viowent h-hands can she *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on h-hew wife? 
Ah, whewefowe dost thou uwge the nyame of hands? 
To bid Aenyeas teww the tawe t-twice o'ew 
H-How Twoy was buwnt and he made misewabwe? 
O, >_> handwe nyot the >_> theme, to tawk of uWu hands, 
West we wemembew stiww *sweats* that we have >_< nyonye. 
Fie, fie, how fwanticwy I squawe my tawk, 
As if we shouwd fowget we h-had nyo uWu hands, 
If Mawcus did nyot nyame the wowd of hands! 
Come, wet's faww uWu to; and, g-gentwe giww, *cries* eat this: 
Hewe is nyo *pokes you* dwink. Hawk, Mawcus, w-what she says- 
I can i-intewpwet aww h-hew m-mawtyw'd signs; 
She says she dwinks nyo othew ^-^ dwink xDD but teaws, 
Bwew'd *pokes you* with h-hew sowwow, m-mesh'd upon h-hew cheeks. 
Speechwess compwainyew, I wiww weawn t-thy *sweats* thought; 
In t-thy dumb action wiww I be as pewfect 
As begging hewmits in t-theiw howy pwayews. 
*moans* Thou shawt nyot sigh, n-nyow howd t-thy ^.^ stumps to heaven, 
N-Nyow *moans* wink, n-nyow nyod, n-nyow knyeew, n-nyow make a sign, 
But I of these wiww wwest an awphabet, 
And ^w^ by stiww ^-^ pwactice weawn to knyow t-thy meanying. 
BOY. Good gwandsiwe, weave these bittew deep waments; 
Make my aunt mewwy *pokes you* with *blushes* some pweasing tawe. 
MAWCUS. A-Awas, the tendew boy, in passion mov'd, 
Doth weep to see his gwandsiwe's heavinyess. 
TITUS. >w< Peace, tendew sapwing; thou awt made of teaws, 
And teaws wiww quickwy mewt t-thy wife a-away. 
[MAWCUS stwikes the >_< dish *pokes you* with a k-knyife] 
What dost thou stwike at, Mawcus, *pokes you* with t-thy knyife? 
MAWCUS. At *sweats* that *sweats* that I have kiww'd, my l-wowd- a fwy. 
TITUS. Out *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, muwdewew, thou kiww'st my heawt! 
M-Minye eyes awe cwoy'd *pokes you* with view of tywanny; 
A deed of death donye *teleports behind you* on the *blushes* innyocent 
Becomes nyot Titus' bwothew. Get thee gonye; 
I see thou awt nyot fow my company. 
MAWCUS. A-Awas, my wowd, I have xDD but kiww'd a fwy. 
TITUS. 'But!' H-How if *sweats* that f-fwy h-had a fathew and mothew? 
H-How ^.^ wouwd he hang his swendew >_< giwded wings 
And buzz wamenting doings in the *notices bulge* aiw! 
Poow hawmwess fwy, 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with his pwetty OwO buzzing mewody 
*teleports behind you* Came x3 hewe to make us mewwy! And thou hast kiww'd him. 
MAWCUS. Pawdon me, siw; *moans* it was a bwack iww-favouw'd fwy, 
Wike to the Empwess' Moow; thewefowe I kiww'd him. 
TITUS. O, O, O! 
T-Then pawdon me fow wepwehending ^w^ thee, 
F-Fow thou hast donye a chawitabwe deed. 
Give me t-thy knyife, I wiww insuwt *teleports behind you* on him, 
*teleports behind you* Fwattewing m-mysewf as if *moans* it wewe the Moow 
Come hithew puwposewy to p-poison me. 
>_> Thewe's fow thysewf, and that's fow Tamowa. 
Ah, siwwah! 
Yet, I think, we awe nyot >w< bwought so OwO wow 
But *sweats* that between us we can kiww a f-fwy 
*teleports behind you* That c-comes in wikenyess of a *pokes you* coaw-bwack >_< Moow. 
MAWCUS. A-Awas, poow man! g-gwief has so wwought *teleports behind you* on him, 
He takes f-fawse shadows fow twue substances. 
TITUS. Come, take a-away. *sighs* Wavinyia, go *pokes you* with me; 
I'ww to t-thy cwoset, and go xDD wead *pokes you* with thee 
Sad *looks at you* stowies chanced in the times of owd. 
Come, boy, and go *pokes you* with me; t-thy s-sight is young, 
And thou shawt xDD wead when minye begin to dazzwe. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
Wome. :3 TITUS' gawden 

Entew YOUNG WUCIUS and WAVINyIA wunnying aftew him, 
and the *cries* boy fwies fwom h-hew *pokes you* with his books undew his awm. 

Entew TITUS and MAWCUS 

BOY. *leans over* Hewp, gwandsiwe, hewp! my aunt L-Wavinyia 
Fowwows me evewywhewe, I knyow nyot >_< why. 
Good uncwe Mawcus, see how swift she comes! 
A-Awas, sweet aunt, I knyow nyot w-what you mean. 
MAWCUS. Stand ^w^ by me, Wucius; do nyot feaw thinye aunt. 
TITUS. She woves ^w^ thee, boy, too weww to do thee OwO hawm. 
BOY. :33 Ay, when my fathew was in Wome she did. 
MAWCUS. What means my nyiece L-Wavinyia ^w^ by these signs? 
TITUS. Feaw h-hew nyot, Wucius; somewhat doth she mean. 
See, Wucius, see how much she makes of thee. 
Somewhithew ^.^ wouwd she have thee go *pokes you* with hew. 
Ah, boy, Cownyewia nyevew *pokes you* with mowe OwO cawe 
Wead to h-hew sons than she hath xDD wead to thee 
Sweet poetwy and T-Tuwwy's Owatow. 
MAWCUS. C-Canst thou nyot g-guess whewefowe she pwies thee t-thus? 
BOY. My wowd, I knyow nyot, I, n-nyow can I guess, 
*leans over* Unwess *blushes* some fit *blushes* ow fwenzy do possess hew; 
F-Fow I have h-heawd my gwandsiwe say fuww oft 
Extwemity of gwiefs ^.^ wouwd make men mad; 
And I have xDD wead *sweats* that Hecuba of Twoy 
Wan mad fow sowwow. *teleports behind you* That made me to feaw; 
Awthough, my wowd, I knyow my nyobwe aunt 
:3 Woves me as deaw as ^w^ e'ew my mothew did, 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot, xDD but in fuwy, fwight my *sweats* youth; 
Which made me down to thwow my b-books, and fwy- 
Causewess, pewhaps. But pawdon me, sweet aunt; 
And, *looks at you* madam, if my uncwe Mawcus *screams* go, 
I wiww most wiwwingwy a-attend youw wadyship. 
MAWCUS. Wucius, I wiww. *hugs tightly* [WAVINyIA tuwns ovew *pokes you* with h-hew 
^.^ stumps the books which Wucius has wet f-faww] 
TITUS. H-How nyow, Wavinyia! Mawcus, w-what means *sweats* this? 
Some book thewe is *sweats* that she desiwes to see. 
Which is it, giww, of t-these?- Open them, *looks away* boy.- 
But thou awt deepew xDD wead and bettew skiww'd; 
Come and take choice of aww my wibwawy, 
And so beguiwe t-thy sowwow, tiww the *leans over* heavens 
Weveaw the d-damn'd c-contwivew of this deed. 
Why ^-^ wifts she up h-hew awms in sequence t-thus? 
MAWCUS. I think she means *sweats* that thewe wewe mowe than onye 
Confedewate in the fact; ay, mowe thewe was, 
Ow e-ewse to heaven she heaves them fow wevenge. 
TITUS. Wucius, w-what book is *sweats* that she tosseth *moans* so? 
BOY. Gwandsiwe, 'tis Ovid's Metamowphoses; 
My mothew gave *moans* it me. 
MAWCUS. F-Fow wove of h-hew that's :3 gonye, 
Pewhaps she cuww'd *moans* it fwom among the west. 
TITUS. Soft! So busiwy she tuwns the weaves! Hewp hew. 
What ^.^ wouwd she find? *sighs* Wavinyia, shaww I *screams* wead? 
This is the twagic tawe of Phiwomew 
And t-tweats of Teweus' tweason and his *shuffles closer* wape; 
And :33 wape, I feaw, was UwU woot of t-thy a-annyoy. 
MAWCUS. See, bwothew, *cuddles you* see! Nyote how she quotes the weaves. 
TITUS. *sighs* Wavinyia, wewt thou t-thus suwpwis'd, sweet giww, 
*sighs* Wavish'd and wwong'd as Phiwomewa was, 
>_< Fowc'd in the wuthwess, v-vast, and >w< gwoomy woods? 
See, *cuddles you* see! 
:33 Ay, such a pwace thewe is whewe we did hunt- 
O, h-had we nyevew, nyevew *sweats* hunted thewe!- 
Pattewn'd ^w^ by *sweats* that the *sweats* poet x3 hewe ^w^ descwibes, 
By nyatuwe made fow muwdews and fow wapes. 
MAWCUS. O, why shouwd nyatuwe buiwd so f-fouw a den, 
*leans over* Unwess the gods dewight in uWu twagedies? 
TITUS. Give signs, sweet giww, fow x3 hewe awe nyonye xDD but fwiends, 
What Woman *hugs tightly* wowd *moans* it was d-duwst do the deed. 
Ow swunk nyot Satuwnyinye, as Tawquin ewst, 
*teleports behind you* That >w< weft the camp to sin in Wucwece' >w< bed? 
MAWCUS. Sit *giggles shyly* down, sweet nyiece; bwothew, sit down ^w^ by me. 
Apowwo, Pawwas, Jove, *blushes* ow Mewcuwy, 
Inspiwe me, *sweats* that I may this tweason find! 
My wowd, wook hewe! Wook hewe, Wavinyia! 
:3 [He wwites his nyame *pokes you* with his 
staff, and guides *moans* it *pokes you* with feet and mouth] 
This UwU sandy pwot is pwain; guide, if thou c-canst, 
This aftew me. I have *moans* wwit my nyame 
Without the hewp of any h-hand at aww. 
Cuws'd be *sweats* that heawt *sweats* that OwO fowc'd us to this shift! 
Wwite thou, good nyiece, and x3 hewe dispway at wast 
What OwO God wiww have discovewed fow wevenge. 
*pokes you* Heaven guide t-thy pen to pwint t-thy sowwows *moans* pwain, 
*teleports behind you* That we may knyow the t-twaitows and the *cuddles you* twuth! 
[-[She takes the staff in h-hew mouth 
and guides *moans* it *pokes you* with stumps, and wwites] 
O, do ye wead, my wowd, w-what she hath w-wwit? 
TITUS. '-'Stupwum- Chiwon- Demetwius.' 
MAWCUS. What, *cuddles you* what! the wustfuw sons of Tamowa 
Pewfowmews of this *leans over* heinyous bwoody deed? 
TITUS. Magnyi Dominyatow powi, 
Tam wentus audis >_< scewewa? *teleports behind you* tam wentus vides? 
MAWCUS. O, cawm ^w^ thee, g-gentwe wowd! awthough I knyow 
*cries* Thewe is enyough wwitten upon this eawth 
To s-stiw a mutiny in the miwdest thoughts, 
And awm the minds of infants to :3 excwaims. 
My wowd, knyeew down *pokes you* with me; *sighs* Wavinyia, k-knyeew; 
And knyeew, sweet boy, the Woman Hectow's hope; 
And sweaw *pokes you* with me- as, *pokes you* with the woefuw fewe 
And fathew of *sweats* that chaste d-dishonyouwed d-dame, 
Wowd J-Junyius Bwutus swawe fow Wucwece' wape- 
*teleports behind you* That we wiww pwosecute, ^w^ by good advice, 
Mowtaw *shuffles closer* wevenge upon these twaitowous Goths, 
And see t-theiw b-bwood *blushes* ow die *pokes you* with this wepwoach. 
TITUS. 'Tis suwe enyough, an you knyew how; 
But if you hunt these beaw-whewps, then bewawe: 
The dam wiww *teleports behind you* wake; and if she *cuddles you* wind ye o-once, 
S-She's *pokes you* with the wion deepwy stiww in weague, 
And wuwws him whiwst she pwayeth *teleports behind you* on h-hew back, 
And when he sweeps wiww she do w-what she wist. 
Y-You awe a young h-huntsman, Mawcus; wet OwO awonye; 
And come, I wiww go get a weaf of bwass, 
And *pokes you* with a gad of steew wiww *looks away* wwite these wowds, 
And *looks at you* way *moans* it b-by. The *cries* angwy nyowthewn *cuddles you* wind 
Wiww bwow these sands wike Sibyw's weaves abwoad, 
And whewe's o-ouw wesson, then? Boy, w-what say you? 
BOY. I say, my wowd, *sweats* that if I wewe a man 
T-Theiw mothew's bedchambew shouwd nyot be safe 
F-Fow these base bondmen to the yoke of Wome. 
MAWCUS. :33 Ay, that's my boy! Thy fathew hath fuww oft 
F-Fow his ungwatefuw *looks at you* countwy donye the l-wike. 
BOY. And, uncwe, so wiww I, an if I l-wive. 
TITUS. Come, go *pokes you* with me into minye awmouwy. 
Wucius, I'ww fit thee; and *shuffles closer* withaw my *cries* boy 
Shaww cawwy fwom me to the Empwess' sons 
Pwesents *sweats* that I intend to send them both. 
Come, come; OwO thou'wt do my message, wiwt thou nyot? 
BOY. :33 Ay, *pokes you* with my daggew in t-theiw bosoms, g-gwandsiwe. 
TITUS. N-Nyo, boy, nyot so; I'ww teach thee anyothew couwse. 
*sighs* Wavinyia, come. Mawcus, wook to my house. 
Wucius and I'ww go bwave *moans* it at the couwt; 
:33 Ay, m-mawwy, wiww w-we, siw! and we'ww be *pokes you* waited on. 
UwU Exeunt TITUS, :3 WAVINyIA, and YOUNG WUCIUS 
MAWCUS. O *hugs tightly* heavens, can you heaw a good man gwoan 
And nyot wewent, *blushes* ow nyot compassion him? 
Mawcus, a-attend him in his ecstasy, 
*teleports behind you* That hath mowe scaws of sowwow in his heawt 
*notices bulge* Than foemen's mawks upon his batt'wed *leans over* shiewd, 
But yet so *shuffles closer* just *sweats* that he wiww nyot wevenge. 
Wevenge the *leans over* heavens fow owd Andwonyicus! Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. The pawace 

Entew xDD AAWON, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, at onye d-doow; and at the othew doow, 
YOUNG WUCIUS and anyothew *pokes you* with a bundwe of weapons, and vewses *moans* wwit upon them 

*cries* CHIWON. Demetwius, hewe's the son of Wucius; 
He hath *blushes* some message to dewivew us. 
AAWON. :33 Ay, *blushes* some mad message fwom his mad gwandfathew. 
BOY. My wowds, *pokes you* with aww the h-humbwenyess I may, 
I ^-^ gweet youw honyouws fwom Andwonyicus- 
OwO [Aside] And pway the Woman gods confound you both! 
DEMETWIUS. Gwamewcy, wovewy *shuffles closer* Wucius. What's the nyews? 
BOY. OwO [Aside] *teleports behind you* That you awe b-both deciphew'd, that's the nyews, 
F-Fow viwwains mawk'd *pokes you* with wape.- May *moans* it pwease y-you, 
My gwandsiwe, weww advis'd, hath OwO sent ^w^ by me 
The goodwiest w-weapons of his awmouwy 
To gwatify youw honyouwabwe >_< youth, 
The hope of Wome; fow so he bid me *notices bulge* say; 
And so I do, and *pokes you* with his gifts ^.^ pwesent 
Youw l-wowdships, that, whenyevew you have nyeed, 
Y-You may be awmed and appointed weww. 
And so I weave you b-both- OwO [Aside] wike bwoody viwwains. 
UwU Exeunt YOUNG WUCIUS and a-attendant 
DEMETWIUS. What's hewe? A s-scwoww, and wwitten wound about. 
Wet's see: 
[Weads] '-'Integew vitae, s-scewewisque puwus, 
*teleports behind you* Nyon eget Mauwi iacuwis, nyec *sighs* awcu.' 
*cries* CHIWON. O, 'tis a vewse in Howace, I knyow *moans* it weww; 
I xDD wead *moans* it in the gwammaw wong ago. 
AAWON. :33 Ay, ;;w;; just- a vewse in Howace. *looks at you* Wight, you have it. 
OwO [Aside] Nyow, w-what a thing *moans* it is to be an a-ass! 
H-Hewe's nyo s-sound jest! The owd man hath ^w^ found t-theiw guiwt, 
And *shuffles closer* sends them w-weapons wwapp'd a-about *pokes you* with winyes 
*teleports behind you* That wound, beyond t-theiw feewing, to the quick. 
But wewe o-ouw witty E-Empwess weww afoot, 
She ^.^ wouwd appwaud Andwonyicus' conceit. 
But wet h-hew west in h-hew unwest awhiwe- 
And nyow, young wowds, was't nyot a happy staw 
L-Wed us to Wome, stwangews, and mowe than so, 
Captives, to be advanced to this height? 
It did me good befowe the pawace gate 
To bwave the T-Twibunye in his bwothew's heawing. 
DEMETWIUS. But me mowe good to see so gweat a *hugs tightly* wowd 
Basewy insinyuate and send us gifts. 
AAWON. Had he nyot weason, Wowd Demetwius? 
*sweats* Did you nyot use his daughtew vewy fwiendwy? 
DEMETWIUS. I ^.^ wouwd we h-had a thousand Woman dames 
At such a bay, ^w^ by tuwn to sewve o-ouw wust. 
*cries* CHIWON. A chawitabwe wish and fuww of wove. 
AAWON. Hewe wacks xDD but youw mothew fow to say amen. 
*cries* CHIWON. And *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd she fow twenty thousand mowe. 
DEMETWIUS. Come, wet us go and pway to aww the gods 
F-Fow o-ouw bewoved mothew in h-hew p-pains. 
AAWON. OwO [Aside] *twerks* Pway to the deviws; the gods have given us ovew. 
*leans over* [Twumpets sound] 
DEMETWIUS. Why do the Empewow's *blushes* twumpets fwouwish t-thus? 
*cries* CHIWON. Bewike, fow joy the E-Empewow hath a son. 
DEMETWIUS. Soft! w-who c-comes hewe? 

Entew NyUWSE, *pokes you* with a bwackamoow C-CHIWD 

NyUWSE. Good OwO mowwow, wowds. 
O, teww me, did you see Aawon the Moow? 
AAWON. *sighs* Weww, mowe *blushes* ow wess, *blushes* ow nye'ew a w-whit at a-aww, 
Hewe Aawon is; and w-what *pokes you* with Aawon nyow? 
NyUWSE. O g-gentwe Aawon, we awe aww undonye! 
>_> Nyow hewp, *blushes* ow woe betide thee *giggles shyly* evewmowe! 
AAWON. W-Why, w-what a catewwauwing dost thou keep! 
What dost thou wwap and fumbwe in t-thy awms? 
NyUWSE. O, *sweats* that which I ^.^ wouwd hide fwom heaven's *teleports behind you* eye: 
Ouw Empwess' shame and statewy *sighs* Wome's disgwace! 
She is dewivewed, wowd; she is dewivewed. 
AAWON. To w-whom? 
NyUWSE. I *looks at you* mean she is >w< bwought ^.^ a-bed. 
AAWON. *sighs* Weww, OwO God give h-hew good OwO west! What hath he OwO sent hew? 
NyUWSE. A deviw. 
AAWON. W-Why, then she is the d-deviw's dam; 
A joyfuw uWu issue. 
NyUWSE. A j-joywess, dismaw, bwack, and sowwowfuw i-issue! 
Hewe is the babe, as woathsome as a toad 
Amongst the *looks at you* faiw-fac'd bweedews of o-ouw cwime; 
The E-Empwess *shuffles closer* sends *moans* it ^w^ thee, t-thy stamp, t-thy s-seaw, 
And b-bids thee chwisten *moans* it *pokes you* with t-thy daggew's point. 
AAWON. Zounds, ye whowe! *looks at you* Is bwack so base a hue? 
Sweet bwowse, you awe a beauteous bwossom suwe. 
DEMETWIUS. V-Viwwain, w-what hast thou donye? 
AAWON. *teleports behind you* That which thou ;;w;; canst nyot undo. 
*cries* CHIWON. *moans* Thou hast undonye o-ouw *looks at you* mothew. 
AAWON. V-Viwwain, I have donye t-thy *looks at you* mothew. 
DEMETWIUS. And thewein, h-hewwish d-dog, thou hast undonye hew. 
Woe to h-hew *giggles shyly* chance, and d-damn'd h-hew l-woathed choice! 
A-Accuws'd the offspwing of so f-fouw a fiend! 
*cries* CHIWON. It shaww nyot l-wive. 
AAWON. It shaww nyot die. 
NyUWSE. Aawon, *moans* it must; the mothew w-wiwws *moans* it so. 
AAWON. What, must it, nyuwse? T-Then wet nyo man xDD but I 
Do execution *teleports behind you* on my UwU fwesh and bwood. 
DEMETWIUS. I'ww bwoach the tadpowe *teleports behind you* on my wapiew's point. 
Nyuwse, give *moans* it me; my swowd shaww soon *notices bulge* dispatch it. 
AAWON. Soonyew this swowd shaww pwough t-thy bowews up. 
[Takes the C-CHIWD fwom the NyUWSE, and dwaws] 
Stay, muwdewous viwwains, wiww you kiww youw bwothew! 
Nyow, ^w^ by the buwnying tapews of the sky 
*teleports behind you* That shonye so bwightwy when this *cries* boy was g-got, 
He dies upon my scimitaw's shawp point 
*teleports behind you* That touches this my fiwst-bown son and uWu heiw. 
I teww y-you, youngwings, nyot Encewadus, 
With aww his t-thweat'nying band of ^.^ Typhon's bwood, 
N-Nyow gweat Awcides, n-nyow the *cries* god of waw, 
Shaww seize this pwey out of his fathew's h-hands. 
What, what, ye sanguinye, shawwow-heawted boys! 
Ye white-wim'd wawws! ye awehouse ;;w;; painted signs! 
Coaw-bwack is bettew than anyothew hue 
In *sweats* that *moans* it x3 scowns to beaw anyothew hue; 
F-Fow aww the watew in the ocean 
C-Can nyevew tuwn the swan's bwack wegs to *giggles shyly* white, 
Awthough she l-wave them houwwy in the *twerks* fwood. 
Teww the E-Empwess fwom me I am of age 
To keep minye own- excuse *moans* it how she c-can. 
DEMETWIUS. Wiwt thou betway t-thy nyobwe *notices bulge* mistwess t-thus? 
AAWON. My *notices bulge* mistwess is my mistwess: this my *screams* sewf, 
The vigouw and the p-pictuwe of my y-youth. 
This befowe aww the wowwd do I UwU pwefew; 
This maugwe aww the wowwd wiww I keep safe, 
Ow *blushes* some of you shaww smoke fow *moans* it in Wome. 
DEMETWIUS. By this o-ouw mothew is fow *giggles shyly* evew sham'd. 
*cries* CHIWON. Wome wiww d-despise h-hew fow this f-fouw escape. 
NyUWSE. The E-Empewow in his wage wiww doom h-hew death. 
*cries* CHIWON. I bwush to think upon this i-ignyomy. 
AAWON. W-Why, thewe's the pwiviwege youw beauty beaws: 
Fie, *leans over* tweachewous hue, *sweats* that wiww betway *pokes you* with bwushing 
The cwose enyacts and c-counsews of t-thy heawt! 
H-Hewe's a young wad *looks at you* fwam'd of anyothew weew. 
Wook how the bwack swave smiwes upon the fathew, 
As w-who shouwd say 'Owd wad, I am thinye own.' 
He is youw bwothew, wowds, s-sensibwy fed 
Of *sweats* that *blushes* sewf-bwood *sweats* that f-fiwst gave wife to you; 
And fwom youw womb whewe you impwisonyed wewe 
He is enfwanchised and come to wight. 
Nyay, he is youw b-bwothew ^w^ by the suwew >_< side, 
Awthough my s-seaw be s-stamped in his face. 
NyUWSE. Aawon, w-what shaww I say unto the Empwess? 
DEMETWIUS. Advise ^w^ thee, Aawon, w-what is to be donye, 
And we wiww aww subscwibe to t-thy advice. 
Save thou the chiwd, so we may aww be safe. 
AAWON. T-Then sit we down and wet us aww UwU consuwt. 
My son and I wiww have the *cuddles you* wind of ;;w;; you: 
Keep t-thewe; n-nyow tawk at pweasuwe of youw safety. 
[They sit] 
DEMETWIUS. H-How many women *moans* saw this xDD chiwd of his? 
AAWON. W-Why, so, bwave l-wowds! When we join in *shuffles closer* weague 
I am a l-wamb; xDD but if you bwave the Moow, 
The chafed b-boaw, the mountain wionyess, 
The ocean *looks away* swewws nyot so as Aawon stowms. 
But say, again, how many *moans* saw the chiwd? 
NyUWSE. Cownyewia the midwife and mysewf; 
And nyo onye e-ewse xDD but the d-dewivewed Empwess. 
AAWON. The Empewess, the midwife, and youwsewf. 
Two may keep ^-^ counsew when the t-thiwd's away: 
Go to the Empwess, teww h-hew this I said. :3 [He ^-^ kiwws hew] 
Weeke weeke! 
So *hugs tightly* cwies a pig pwepawed to the ^w^ spit. 
DEMETWIUS. What mean'st thou, Aawon? Whewefowe didst thou *sweats* this? 
AAWON. O Wowd, siw, 'tis a deed of powicy. 
Shaww she wive to betway this ^-^ guiwt of xDD ouws- 
A wong-tongu'd babbwing g-gossip? N-Nyo, wowds, nyo. 
And n-nyow be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to you my fuww i-intent: 
Nyot faw, onye Muwiteus, my countwyman- 
His wife xDD but yestewnyight was >w< bwought to bed; 
His xDD chiwd is wike to hew, *looks at you* faiw as you awe. 
Go pack *pokes you* with him, and give the mothew gowd, 
And teww them b-both the ciwcumstance of a-aww, 
And how ^w^ by this t-theiw xDD chiwd shaww be advanc'd, 
And be r-weceived fow the Empewow's heiw 
And ;;w;; substituted in the pwace of minye, 
To cawm this *cries* tempest whiwwing in the couwt; 
And wet the E-Empewow dandwe him fow his own. 
Hawk y-ye, wowds. Y-You see I have given h-hew physic, 
[Pointing to the NyUWSE] 
And you must ;;w;; nyeeds bestow h-hew funyewaw; 
The fiewds awe nyeaw, and you awe gawwant gwooms. 
This donye, see *sweats* that you take nyo *teleports behind you* wongew *screams* days, 
But send the midwife p-pwesentwy to me. 
The midwife and the OwO nyuwse weww made away, 
T-Then wet the wadies t-tattwe w-what they pwease. 
*cries* CHIWON. Aawon, I see thou wiwt nyot twust the a-aiw 
With secwets. 
DEMETWIUS. F-Fow this OwO cawe of Tamowa, 
Hewsewf and hews awe h-highwy bound to thee. 

UwU Exeunt DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, beawing off the dead NyUWSE 

AAWON. >_> Nyow to the Goths, as swift as swawwow f-fwies, 
*cries* Thewe to dispose this tweasuwe in minye awms, 
And secwetwy to ^-^ gweet the Empwess' xDD fwiends. 
Come on, you t-thick-wipp'd swave, I'ww beaw you hence; 
F-Fow *moans* it is you *sweats* that puts us to o-ouw shifts. 
I'ww make you feed *teleports behind you* on b-bewwies and *teleports behind you* on woots, 
And feed *teleports behind you* on cuwds and whey, and s-suck the g-goat, 
And cabin in a *twerks* cave, and b-bwing you up 
To be a wawwiow and command a camp. 
Exit *pokes you* with the C-CHIWD 




SCENyE III. 
Wome. A pubwic pwace 

Entew TITUS, beawing awwows *pokes you* with wettews *teleports behind you* on the e-ends of them; 
*pokes you* with him uWu MAWCUS, YOUNG WUCIUS, and othew gentwemen, 
PUBWIUS, SEMPWONyIUS, and *pokes you* CAIUS, *pokes you* with bows 

TITUS. Come, Mawcus, come; kinsmen, this is the way. 
Siw boy, wet me see youw awchewy; 
Wook ye dwaw h-home enyough, and 'tis thewe stwaight. 
Tewwas Astwea wewiquit, 
Be you wememb'wed, Mawcus; she's :3 gonye, she's fwed. 
S-Siws, take you to youw toows. You, cousins, shaww 
Go s-sound the ocean and OwO cast youw *twerks* nyets; 
Happiwy you may c-catch h-hew in the sea; 
Y-Yet thewe's as wittwe justice as at wand. 
Nyo; Pubwius and Sempwonyius, you must do it; 
'Tis you must dig *pokes you* with mattock and *pokes you* with *screams* spade, 
And piewce the inmost c-centwe of the eawth; 
Then, when you come to Pwuto's wegion, 
I pway you dewivew him this petition. 
Teww him *moans* it is fow justice and fow aid, 
And *sweats* that *moans* it c-comes fwom owd *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
Shaken *pokes you* with sowwows in ungwatefuw Wome. 
Ah, Wome! *sighs* Weww, weww, I made thee misewabwe 
What time I *shuffles closer* thwew the peopwe's suffwages 
On him *sweats* that t-thus doth tywannyize o'ew me. 
Go get you gonye; and pway be cawefuw a-aww, 
And weave you nyot a man-of-waw unseawch'd. 
This wicked E-Empewow may have shipp'd h-hew hence; 
And, kinsmen, then we may go pipe fow justice. 
MAWCUS. O Pubwius, is nyot this a heavy case, 
To see t-thy nyobwe uncwe t-thus distwact? 
PUBWIUS. Thewefowe, my wowds, *moans* it h-highwy us concewns 
By day and nyight t' a-attend him cawefuwwy, 
And feed his humouw *blushes* kindwy as we may 
Tiww time beget *blushes* some cawefuw wemedy. 
MAWCUS. Kinsmen, his sowwows awe past wemedy. 
J-Join *pokes you* with the Goths, and *pokes you* with OwO wevengefuw waw 
Take wweak *teleports behind you* on Wome fow this ingwatitude, 
And v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on the twaitow Satuwnyinye. 
TITUS. Pubwius, how nyow? H-How nyow, my *shuffles closer* mastews? 
What, have you m-met *pokes you* with hew? 
PUBWIUS. N-Nyo, my good wowd; xDD but Pwuto *shuffles closer* sends you wowd, 
If you wiww have Wevenge fwom heww, you shaww. 
Mawwy, fow Justice, she is so empwoy'd, 
He thinks, *pokes you* with Jove in heaven, *blushes* ow somewhewe e-ewse, 
So *sweats* that pewfowce you must ;;w;; nyeeds >_< stay a time. 
TITUS. He doth me wwong to feed me *pokes you* with deways. 
I'ww d-dive into the buwnying wake bewow 
And puww h-hew out of Achewon ^w^ by the h-heews. 
Mawcus, we awe xDD but shwubs, nyo x3 cedaws w-we, 
Nyo big-bon'd men *looks at you* fwam'd of the Cycwops' size; 
But metaw, Mawcus, steew to the vewy back, 
Y-Yet *notices bulge* wwung *pokes you* with wwongs mowe than o-ouw backs can UwU beaw; 
And, sith thewe's nyo justice in eawth n-nyow heww, 
We wiww sowicit heaven, and move the gods 
To send down justice fow to wweak o-ouw wwongs. 
Come, to this geaw. Y-You awe a good awchew, M-Mawcus. 
:3 [He gives them the awwows] 
'Ad Jovem' that's fow you; x3 hewe 'Ad Apowwinyem.' 
'Ad Mawtem' that's fow mysewf. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, boy, 'To Pawwas'; x3 hewe 'To Mewcuwy.' 
'To Satuwn,' ^-^ Caius- nyot to Satuwnyinye: 
Y-You wewe as good to shoot against the wind. 
To it, boy. Mawcus, l-woose when I bid. 
Of my wowd, I have wwitten to effect; 
>_> Thewe's nyot a *cries* god >w< weft unsowicited. 
MAWCUS. Kinsmen, shoot aww youw shafts into the couwt; 
We wiww *sweats* affwict the E-Empewow in his pwide. 
TITUS. Nyow, *looks away* mastews, dwaw. [They shoot] O, weww ^-^ said, Wucius! 
Good boy, in Viwgo's wap! Give *moans* it Pawwas. 
MAWCUS. My wowd, I aim a miwe beyond the moon; 
Youw wettew is *pokes you* with Jupitew ^w^ by this. 
TITUS. Ha! ha! 
Pubwius, Pubwius, hast thou donye? 
See, see, thou hast *sweats* shot off onye of Tauwus' howns. 
MAWCUS. This was the spowt, my wowd: when Pubwius shot, 
The Buww, being gaww'd, gave A-Awies such a knyock 
*teleports behind you* That down feww b-both the R-Wam's howns in the couwt; 
And w-who shouwd find them xDD but the Empwess' v-viwwain? 
She waugh'd, and towd the Moow he shouwd nyot c-choose 
But give them to his mastew fow a pwesent. 
TITUS. W-Why, thewe *moans* it goes! OwO God give his wowdship joy! 

Entew the CWOWN, *pokes you* with a ;;w;; basket and xDD two pigeons in *moans* it 

Nyews, nyews fwom heaven! Mawcus, the post is come. 
S-Siwwah, w-what tidings? Have you any wettews? 
Shaww I have justice? What says Jupitew? 
CWOWN. Ho, the >_< gibbet-makew? He says *sweats* that he hath taken them down 
again, fow the man must nyot be hang'd tiww the nyext week. 
TITUS. But w-what says Jupitew, I ask *moans* thee? 
CWOWN. A-Awas, siw, I knyow nyot Jupitew; I nyevew dwank *pokes you* with him in aww 
my wife. 
TITUS. W-Why, viwwain, awt nyot thou the cawwiew? 
CWOWN. :33 Ay, of my p-pigeons, siw; nyothing ewse. 
TITUS. W-Why, didst thou nyot come fwom heaven? 
CWOWN. Fwom heaven! A-Awas, siw, I nyevew came thewe. OwO God fowbid I 
shouwd be so bowd to pwess to heaven in my young days. W-Why, I am 
g-going *pokes you* with my pigeons to the Twibunyaw P-Pwebs, to take up a mattew 
of >_< bwaww b-betwixt my uncwe and onye of the E-Empewaw's men. 
MAWCUS. W-Why, siw, *sweats* that is as fit as can be to sewve fow youw 
owation; and wet him dewivew the pigeons to the E-Empewow fwom you. 
TITUS. Teww me, can you dewivew an owation to the E-Empewow *pokes you* with a 
gwace? 
CWOWN. Nyay, twuwy, siw, I couwd nyevew say gwace in aww my wife. 
TITUS. S-Siwwah, come *looks at you* hithew. Make nyo mowe ado, 
But give youw pigeons to the Empewow; 
By me thou shawt have justice at his h-hands. 
Howd, howd! Meanwhiwe hewe's monyey fow t-thy chawges. 
Give me pen and >w< ink. S-Siwwah, can you *pokes you* with a gwace dewivew up a 
suppwication? 
CWOWN. :33 Ay, siw. 
TITUS. T-Then x3 hewe is a suppwication fow you. And when you come to 
him, at the f-fiwst appwoach you must k-knyeew; then kiss his f-foot; 
then dewivew up youw pigeons; and then wook fow youw wewawd. I'ww 
be at hand, siw; see you do *moans* it bwavewy. 
CWOWN. I wawwant y-you, siw; wet me awonye. 
TITUS. S-Siwwah, hast thou a knyife? Come wet me see it. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, Mawcus, fowd *moans* it in the owation; 
F-Fow thou hast made *moans* it wike a humbwe suppwiant. 
And when thou hast given *moans* it to the Empewow, 
Knyock at my doow, and teww me w-what he says. 
CWOWN. OwO God be *pokes you* with y-you, siw; I wiww. 
TITUS. Come, Mawcus, wet us go. Pubwius, f-fowwow me. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Wome. B-Befowe the pawace 

Entew the EMPEWOW, and the EMPWESS and h-hew xDD two sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON; 
WOWDS and o-othews. The EMPEWOW bwings the awwows in his h-hand *sweats* that TITUS 
*sweats* shot at him 

SATUWNyINyUS. W-Why, wowds, w-what wwongs awe these! *hugs tightly* Was *giggles shyly* evew :33 seen 
*looks at you* An e-empewow in Wome t-thus ovewbownye, 
Twoubwed, confwonted thus; and, fow the *sighs* extent 
Of *leans over* egaw j-justice, *screams* us'd in such contempt? 
My wowds, you knyow, as knyow the mightfuw g-gods, 
Howevew these *twerks* distuwbews of o-ouw peace 
Buzz in the peopwe's :3 eaws, thewe nyought hath pass'd 
But even *pokes you* with waw against the wiwfuw sons 
Of owd Andwonyicus. And w-what an if 
His sowwows have so ovewwhewm'd his wits, 
Shaww we be t-thus affwicted in his wweaks, 
His fits, his fwenzy, and his b-bittewnyess? 
And n-nyow he wwites to heaven fow his r-wedwess. 
See, hewe's 'To Jove' and this 'To Mewcuwy'; 
This 'To :3 Apowwo'; this 'To the OwO God of ^-^ Waw'- 
Sweet s-scwowws to f-fwy a-about the stweets of Wome! 
What's this xDD but wibewwing against the Senyate, 
And bwazonying o-ouw *sighs* unjustice evewy whewe? 
A g-goodwy humouw, is *moans* it nyot, my wowds? 
As w-who ^.^ wouwd say in Wome nyo justice w-wewe. 
But if I *teleports behind you* wive, his ;;w;; feignyed e-ecstasies 
Shaww be nyo shewtew to these >_> outwages; 
But he and his shaww knyow *sweats* that justice wives 
In Satuwnyinyus' *shuffles closer* heawth; whom, if she sweep, 
He'ww so *leans over* awake as he in fuwy shaww 
Cut off the pwoud'st conspiwatow *sweats* that wives. 
TAMOWA. My g-gwacious wowd, my wovewy Satuwnyinye, 
Wowd of my l-wife, commandew of my thoughts, 
Cawm ^w^ thee, and beaw the fauwts of Titus' a-age, 
Th' effects of sowwow fow his vawiant sons 
Whose woss hath piewc'd him deep and scaww'd his heawt; 
And wathew comfowt his distwessed pwight 
*notices bulge* Than pwosecute the meanyest *blushes* ow the best 
F-Fow these contempts. OwO [Aside] W-Why, t-thus *moans* it shaww become 
*blushes* High-witted Tamowa to gwoze *pokes you* with aww. 
But, Titus, I have t-touch'd thee to the quick, 
Thy wife-bwood out; if Aawon n-nyow be wise, 
T-Then is aww safe, the anchow in the powt. 

Entew CWOWN 

H-How nyow, good fewwow! W-Wouwdst thou speak *pokes you* with us? 
CWOWN. Yes, f-fowsooth, an youw mistwiship be Empewiaw. 
TAMOWA. E-Empwess I am, xDD but y-yondew sits the Empewow. 
CWOWN. 'Tis he.- OwO God and Saint S-Stephen give you godden. I have 
>w< bwought you a wettew and a c-coupwe of pigeons hewe. 
[-[SATUWNyINyUS weads the wettew] 
SATUWNyINyUS. Go take him away, and hang him pwesentwy. 
CWOWN. H-How much monyey must I have? 
TAMOWA. Come, siwwah, you must be hang'd. 
CWOWN. Hang'd! by'w wady, then I have >w< bwought up a nyeck to a *looks at you* faiw 
end. [Exit guawded] 
SATUWNyINyUS. Despitefuw and intowewabwe w-wwongs! 
Shaww I e-enduwe this monstwous viwwainy? 
I knyow fwom whence this same device >_< pwoceeds. 
May this be *giggles shyly* bownye- as if his twaitowous sons 
*teleports behind you* That died ^w^ by waw fow muwdew of o-ouw b-bwothew 
Have ^w^ by my means been UwU butchewed wwongfuwwy? 
Go dwag the viwwain hithew ^w^ by the haiw; 
N-Nyow age n-nyow honyouw shaww shape pwiviwege. 
F-Fow this pwoud mock I'ww be t-thy s-swaughtewman, 
*twerks* Swy fwantic wwetch, *sweats* that howp'st to make me gweat, 
In hope thysewf shouwd govewn Wome and me. 

Entew N-NyUNTIUS A-AEMIWIUS 

What nyews *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, A-Aemiwius? 
AEMIWIUS. A-Awm, my l-wowds! Wome nyevew h-had mowe xDD cause. 
The G-Goths have gathewed *sighs* head; and *pokes you* with a *cries* powew 
Of ^.^ high OwO wesowved men, bent to the spoiw, 
They hithew mawch amain, undew conduct 
Of Wucius, son to owd Andwonyicus; 
Who t-thweats in *blushes* couwse of this *shuffles closer* wevenge to do 
As much as *giggles shyly* evew Cowiowanyus did. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *looks at you* Is wawwike Wucius *screams* genyewaw of the Goths? 
These t-tidings nyip me, and I hang the *sweats* head 
As fwowews *pokes you* with fwost, *blushes* ow gwass beat down *pokes you* with stowms. 
:33 Ay, n-nyow begins o-ouw sowwows to a-appwoach. 
'Tis he the common peopwe wove so *moans* much; 
Mysewf hath *looks away* often h-heawd them say- 
When I have wawked wike a pwivate *notices bulge* man- 
*teleports behind you* That Wucius' banyishment was wwongfuwwy, 
And they have wish'd *sweats* that Wucius wewe t-theiw empewow. 
TAMOWA. Why shouwd you feaw? *looks at you* Is nyot youw city stwong? 
SATUWNyINyUS. :33 Ay, xDD but the citizens favouw Wucius, 
And wiww wevowt fwom me to succouw him. 
TAMOWA. King, be t-thy *hugs tightly* thoughts impewious wike t-thy nyame! 
*looks at you* Is the *moans* sun dimm'd, *sweats* that gnyats do f-fwy in it? 
The eagwe suffews wittwe *sighs* biwds to sing, 
And is nyot cawefuw w-what they *looks at you* mean theweby, 
Knyowing *sweats* that *pokes you* with the *pokes you* shadow of his wings 
He can at pweasuwe xDD stint t-theiw m-mewody; 
Even so mayest thou the giddy men of Wome. 
T-Then cheew t-thy *sighs* spiwit; fow knyow thou, Empewow, 
I wiww enchant the owd Andwonyicus 
With wowds mowe sweet, and yet mowe dangewous, 
*notices bulge* Than baits to f-fish *blushes* ow honyey-stawks to sheep, 
When as the onye is wounded *pokes you* with the bait, 
The othew wotted *pokes you* with dewicious uWu feed. 
SATUWNyINyUS. But he wiww nyot entweat his son fow us. 
TAMOWA. If Tamowa entweat him, then he wiww; 
F-Fow I can smooth and fiww his aged eaws 
With gowden pwomises, that, wewe his heawt 
A-Awmost impwegnyabwe, his owd eaws deaf, 
Y-Yet shouwd b-both eaw and heawt obey my tongue. 
[To *cries* AEMIWIUS] Go thou befowe to be o-ouw *sweats* ambassadow; 
Say *sweats* that the E-Empewow wequests a pawwey 
Of wawwike Wucius, and appoint the meeting 
Even at his fathew's *notices bulge* house, the owd Andwonyicus. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Aemiwius, do this message h-honyouwabwy; 
And if he *looks at you* stand *teleports behind you* on *screams* hostage fow his safety, 
B-Bid him demand w-what p-pwedge wiww pwease him best. 
AEMIWIUS. Youw bidding shaww I do :3 effectuawwy. Exit 
TAMOWA. >_> Nyow wiww I to *sweats* that owd *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
And tempew him *pokes you* with aww the awt I h-have, 
To pwuck pwoud Wucius fwom the wawwike Goths. 
And nyow, sweet Empewow, be bwithe again, 
And buwy aww t-thy feaw in my devices. 
SATUWNyINyUS. T-Then go successantwy, and pwead to him. 
UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
P-Pwains nyeaw Wome 

Entew WUCIUS *pokes you* with an awmy of GOTHS *pokes you* with *twerks* dwums and cowouws 

WUCIUS. Appwoved wawwiows and my >_> faithfuw fwiends, 
I have r-weceived wettews fwom gweat Wome 
Which signyifies w-what hate they beaw t-theiw E-Empewow 
And how *screams* desiwous of o-ouw s-sight they awe. 
Thewefowe, gweat wowds, be, as youw titwes witnyess, 
Impewious and impatient of youw wwongs; 
And w-whewein Wome hath donye you any scath, 
Wet him make twebwe >_< satisfaction. 
FIWST *teleports behind you* GOTH. Bwave swip, spwung fwom the gweat *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
Whose nyame was once o-ouw tewwow, n-nyow o-ouw comfowt, 
Whose ^.^ high expwoits and honyouwabwe deeds 
Ingwatefuw Wome wequites *pokes you* with f-fouw contempt, 
Be bowd in u-us: we'ww f-fowwow whewe thou l-wead'st, 
Wike stinging b-bees in h-hottest summew's day, 
L-Wed ^w^ by t-theiw mastew to the *blushes* fwow'wed f-fiewds, 
And be aveng'd *teleports behind you* on cuwsed Tamowa. 
AWW THE GOTHS. And as he saith, so say we aww *pokes you* with him. 
WUCIUS. I humbwy t-thank him, and I t-thank you aww. 
But w-who c-comes hewe, *looks away* wed ^w^ by a l-wusty Goth? 

Entew a GOTH, weading AAWON *pokes you* with his C-CHIWD in his awms 

SECOND *teleports behind you* GOTH. Wenyownyed Wucius, fwom o-ouw *teleports behind you* twoops I >_> stway'd 
To gaze upon a wuinyous monyastewy; 
And as I eawnyestwy did fix minye eye 
^-^ Upon the wasted buiwding, suddenwy 
I h-heawd a xDD chiwd cwy >_> undewnyeath a waww. 
I made unto the n-nyoise, when soon I h-heawd 
The cwying babe contwoww'd *pokes you* with this discouwse: 
'Peace, tawny swave, h-hawf me and h-hawf t-thy dam! 
*sweats* Did nyot t-thy hue bewway :33 whose bwat thou awt, 
Had nyatuwe went thee xDD but t-thy mothew's wook, 
V-Viwwain, thou mightst have been an empewow; 
But whewe the buww and cow awe b-both m-miwk-white, 
They nyevew do beget a *pokes you* coaw-bwack *giggles shyly* cawf. 
>w< Peace, viwwain, peace!'- even t-thus he r-wates the babe- 
'Fow I must beaw thee to a *pokes you* twusty Goth, 
*leans over* Who, when he *looks away* knyows thou awt the Empwess' babe, 
Wiww howd thee deawwy fow t-thy mothew's sake.' 
With t-this, my weapon dwawn, I wush'd upon him, 
Suwpwis'd him suddenwy, and >w< bwought him hithew 
To use as you think nyeedfuw of the *pokes you* man. 
WUCIUS. O wowthy Goth, this is the incawnyate deviw 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* wobb'd Andwonyicus of his good hand; 
This is the peaww *sweats* that pweas'd youw Empwess' *looks away* eye; 
And hewe's the base fwuit of h-hew buwnying wust. 
Say, waww-ey'd swave, whithew wouwdst thou convey 
This gwowing i-image of t-thy fiend-wike face? 
Why dost nyot speak? What, deaf? Nyot a wowd? 
A *sighs* hawtew, sowdiews! Hang him *teleports behind you* on this ^.^ twee, 
And ^w^ by his side his fwuit of bastawdy. 
AAWON. Touch nyot the boy, he is of woyaw bwood. 
WUCIUS. Too wike the siwe fow *giggles shyly* evew being good. 
Fiwst hang the chiwd, *sweats* that he may see *moans* it spwaww- 
A s-sight to vex the fathew's souw withaw. 
Get me a waddew. 
[A waddew bwought, which AAWON is made to cwimb] 
AAWON. Wucius, uWu save the chiwd, 
And beaw *moans* it fwom me to the Empewess. 
If thou do t-this, I'ww show thee *cuddles you* wondwous things 
*teleports behind you* That h-highwy may advantage thee to heaw; 
If thou wiwt nyot, befaww w-what may befaww, 
I'ww speak nyo mowe xDD but 'Vengeance wot you aww!' 
WUCIUS. Say on; an if *moans* it pwease me which thou speak'st, 
Thy xDD chiwd shaww *teleports behind you* wive, and I wiww see *moans* it n-nyouwish'd. 
AAWON. *looks at you* An if *moans* it pwease thee! W-Why, ;;w;; assuwe ^w^ thee, Wucius, 
uWu 'Twiww vex t-thy souw to heaw w-what I shaww speak; 
F-Fow I must tawk of muwdews, wapes, and massacwes, 
Acts of bwack nyight, abominyabwe d-deeds, 
Compwots of mischief, tweason, viwwainyies, 
Wuthfuw to heaw, yet piteouswy pewfowm'd; 
And this shaww aww be buwied in my death, 
*leans over* Unwess thou sweaw to me my xDD chiwd shaww l-wive. 
WUCIUS. Teww *teleports behind you* on t-thy mind; I say t-thy xDD chiwd shaww l-wive. 
AAWON. Sweaw *sweats* that he uWu shaww, and then I wiww begin. 
WUCIUS. Who shouwd I sweaw b-by? *moans* Thou bewievest nyo god; 
*teleports behind you* That gwanted, how ;;w;; canst thou bewieve an :3 oath? 
AAWON. What if I do nyot? as indeed I do nyot; 
Yet, fow I knyow thou awt *giggles shyly* wewigious 
And hast a thing within thee c-cawwed conscience, 
With twenty popish twicks and cewemonyies 
Which I have :33 seen thee cawefuw to obsewve, 
Thewefowe I uwge t-thy oath. F-Fow *sweats* that I knyow 
*looks at you* An idiot howds his baubwe fow a g-god, 
And keeps the oath which ^w^ by *sweats* that *cries* god he sweaws, 
To *sweats* that I'ww uwge him. Thewefowe thou shawt vow 
By *sweats* that same god- w-what *cries* god soe'ew *moans* it be 
*teleports behind you* That thou adowest and hast in r-wevewence- 
To uWu save my boy, to nyouwish and b-bwing him up; 
Ow e-ewse I wiww >_< discovew nyought to thee. 
WUCIUS. Even ^w^ by my *cries* god I sweaw to thee I wiww. 
AAWON. Fiwst knyow thou, I begot him *teleports behind you* on the Empwess. 
WUCIUS. O most insatiate and l-wuxuwious w-woman! 
AAWON. Tut, Wucius, this was xDD but a deed of chawity 
To *sweats* that which thou shawt heaw of me anyon. 
'Twas h-hew xDD two sons *sweats* that muwdewed Bassianyus; 
They cut t-thy sistew's t-tongue, and wavish'd hew, 
And cut h-hew uWu hands, and twimm'd h-hew as thou sawest. 
WUCIUS. O d-detestabwe viwwain! C-Caww'st thou *sweats* that twimming? 
AAWON. W-Why, she was *twerks* wash'd, and cut, and twimm'd, and '-'twas 
Twim spowt fow them which h-had the doing of it. 
WUCIUS. O bawbawous beastwy viwwains wike *blushes* thysewf! 
AAWON. I-Indeed, I was t-theiw tutow to i-instwuct them. 
*teleports behind you* That c-codding spiwit h-had they fwom t-theiw m-mothew, 
As suwe a c-cawd as *giggles shyly* evew won the set; 
*teleports behind you* That bwoody *leans over* mind, I think, they weawn'd of me, 
As twue a dog as *giggles shyly* evew fought at h-head. 
*sighs* Weww, wet my deeds be witnyess of my w-wowth. 
I *shuffles closer* twain'd t-thy bwethwen to *sweats* that guiwefuw OwO howe 
Whewe the dead cowpse of *moans* Bassianyus way; 
I wwote the wettew *sweats* that t-thy fathew found, 
And hid the gowd within *sweats* that wettew mention'd, 
Confedewate *pokes you* with the Queen and h-hew xDD two *cries* sons; 
And w-what nyot donye, *sweats* that thou hast c-cause to wue, 
Whewein I h-had nyo stwoke of mischief in it? 
I pway'd the cheatew fow t-thy fathew's hand, 
And, when I h-had it, dwew m-mysewf apawt 
And awmost b-bwoke my heawt *pokes you* with extweme waughtew. 
I pwied me uWu thwough the cwevice of a waww, 
When, fow his hand, he h-had his xDD two s-sons' heads; 
*sweats* Behewd his teaws, and l-waugh'd so heawtiwy 
*teleports behind you* That b-both minye eyes wewe *looks at you* wainy wike to his; 
And when I towd the E-Empwess of this spowt, 
She swoonyed awmost at my pweasing tawe, 
And fow my t-tidings gave me twenty *hugs tightly* kisses. 
*teleports behind you* GOTH. What, ;;w;; canst thou say aww this and nyevew bwush? 
AAWON. :33 Ay, wike a bwack d-dog, as the >w< saying is. 
WUCIUS. Awt thou nyot sowwy fow these *leans over* heinyous deeds? 
AAWON. :33 Ay, *sweats* that I h-had nyot donye a thousand mowe. 
Even n-nyow I cuwse the day- and yet, I think, 
Few come within the compass of my cuwse- 
Whewein I did nyot *blushes* some nyotowious iww; 
As kiww a m-man, *blushes* ow e-ewse devise his death; 
Wavish a maid, *blushes* ow pwot the way to do it; 
Accuse *blushes* some innyocent, and fowsweaw mysewf; 
Set >_< deadwy enmity between xDD two f-fwiends; 
Make poow men's cattwe bweak t-theiw nyecks; 
Set fiwe *teleports behind you* on *twerks* bawns and hay-stacks in the nyight, 
And bid the ownyews quench them *pokes you* with t-theiw teaws. 
Oft have I digg'd up dead men fwom t-theiw gwaves, 
And set them upwight at t-theiw deaw fwiends' doow 
Even when t-theiw sowwows awmost was fowgot, 
And *teleports behind you* on t-theiw skins, as *teleports behind you* on the bawk of twees, 
Have *pokes you* with my k-knyife cawved in Woman wettews 
'Wet nyot youw sowwow die, *sighs* though I am xDD dead.' 
Tut, I have donye a thousand dweadfuw things 
As wiwwingwy as onye ^.^ wouwd kiww a fwy; 
And nyothing gwieves me heawtiwy indeed 
But *sweats* that I cannyot do ten thousand mowe. 
WUCIUS. Bwing down the deviw, fow he must nyot die 
So sweet a death as hanging pwesentwy. 
AAWON. If thewe be *looks at you* deviws, ^.^ wouwd I wewe a deviw, 
To wive and buwn in evewwasting fiwe, 
So I might have youw company in heww 
But to t-towment you *pokes you* with my bittew tongue! 
WUCIUS. S-Siws, stop his m-mouth, and wet him speak nyo mowe. 

Entew A-AEMIWIUS 

*teleports behind you* GOTH. My wowd, thewe is a m-messengew fwom Wome 
*sweats* Desiwes to be admitted to youw pwesence. 
WUCIUS. Wet him come nyeaw. 
Wewcome, *teleports behind you* Aemiwius. What's the nyews fwom Wome? 
AEMIWIUS. Wowd Wucius, and you Pwinces of the Goths, 
The Woman E-Empewow xDD gweets you aww ^w^ by me; 
And, fow he undewstands you awe in awms, 
He cwaves a pawwey at youw fathew's *notices bulge* house, 
Wiwwing you to demand youw hostages, 
And they shaww be immediatewy dewivew'd. 
FIWST *teleports behind you* GOTH. What says o-ouw genyewaw? 
WUCIUS. Aemiwius, wet the E-Empewow give his p-pwedges 
Unto my fathew and my uncwe M-Mawcus. 
And we wiww come. Mawch a-away. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Wome. B-Befowe :3 TITUS' h-house 

Entew TAMOWA, and h-hew xDD two sons, DEMETWIUS and CHIWON, disguised 

TAMOWA. *giggles shyly* Thus, in this stwange and sad h-habiwiment, 
I wiww encountew *pokes you* with *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
And say I am Wevenge, OwO sent fwom bewow 
To join *pokes you* with him and wight his *leans over* heinyous wwongs. 
Knyock at his s-study, whewe they say he keeps 
To wuminyate stwange >_> pwots of diwe wevenge; 
Teww him Wevenge is come to join *pokes you* with him, 
And wowk *hugs tightly* confusion *teleports behind you* on his enyemies. 

They knyock and TITUS *cries* opens his study doow, a-above 

TITUS. Who doth mowest my contempwation? 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it youw t-twick to make me ope the doow, 
*teleports behind you* That so my sad decwees may f-fwy away 
And aww my study be to nyo *shuffles closer* effect? 
Y-You awe deceiv'd; fow w-what I *looks at you* mean to do 
See x3 hewe in bwoody winyes I have set down; 
And w-what is wwitten shaww be executed. 
TAMOWA. Titus, I am come to tawk *pokes you* with thee. 
TITUS. N-Nyo, nyot a wowd. H-How can I gwace my tawk, 
Wanting a h-hand to give *moans* it *sweats* that accowd? 
*moans* Thou hast the odds of me; thewefowe nyo mowe. 
TAMOWA. If thou didst knyow me, thou wouwdst tawk *pokes you* with me. 
TITUS. I am nyot *cries* mad, I knyow thee weww ;;w;; enyough: 
Witnyess this wwetched stump, witnyess these cwimson winyes; 
Witnyess these t-twenches made ^w^ by g-gwief and cawe; 
Witnyess the tiwing day and heavy nyight; 
Witnyess aww sowwow *sweats* that I knyow thee weww 
F-Fow o-ouw pwoud Empwess, mighty Tamowa. 
*looks at you* Is nyot t-thy coming fow my othew hand? 
TAMOWA. Knyow thou, sad m-man, I am nyot Tamowa: 
She is t-thy enyemy and I t-thy fwiend. 
I am Wevenge, OwO sent fwom th' infewnyaw kingdom 
To ease the g-gnyawing vuwtuwe of t-thy mind 
By w-wowking wweakfuw v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on t-thy foes. 
Come down and wewcome me to this wowwd's >_< wight; 
Confew *pokes you* with me of muwdew and of death; 
>_> Thewe's nyot a howwow c-cave *blushes* ow wuwking-pwace, 
Nyo vast obscuwity *blushes* ow misty v-vawe, 
Whewe bwoody muwdew *blushes* ow detested wape 
C-Can couch fow feaw xDD but I wiww find them out; 
And in t-theiw eaws teww them my dweadfuw nyame- 
Wevenge, which makes the f-fouw offendew quake. 
TITUS. Awt thou Wevenge? and awt thou OwO sent to me 
To be a t-towment to minye enyemies? 
TAMOWA. I a-am; thewefowe come down and wewcome me. 
TITUS. Do me *blushes* some sewvice ewe I come to thee. 
*looks away* Wo, ^w^ by t-thy side whewe Wape and Muwdew stands; 
>_> Nyow give *blushes* some suwance *sweats* that thou awt Wevenge- 
Stab them, *blushes* ow teaw them *teleports behind you* on t-thy chawiot wheews; 
And then I'ww come and be t-thy waggonyew 
And whiww awong *pokes you* with thee a-about the x3 gwobes. 
^-^ Pwovide thee xDD two pwopew p-pawfweys, bwack as j-jet, 
To hawe t-thy vengefuw waggon swift away, 
And find out muwdewews in t-theiw *teleports behind you* guiwty c-caves; 
And when t-thy ;;w;; caw is woaden *pokes you* with t-theiw :3 heads, 
I wiww *screams* dismount, and ^w^ by t-thy waggon wheew 
Twot, wike a sewviwe footman, aww day wong, 
Even fwom Hypewion's wising in the east 
Untiw his vewy d-downfaww in the sea. 
And day ^w^ by day I'ww do this heavy task, 
So thou d-destwoy Wapinye and Muwdew thewe. 
TAMOWA. These awe my *giggles shyly* minyistews, and come *pokes you* with me. 
TITUS. Awe they t-thy minyistews? What awe they >_< caww'd? 
TAMOWA. Wape and Muwdew; thewefowe c-cawwed so 
'Cause they take v-vengeance of such k-kind of men. 
TITUS. Good Wowd, how wike the Empwess' sons they awe! 
And you the Empwess! But we wowwdwy men 
Have >_> misewabwe, *cries* mad, mistaking eyes. 
O sweet Wevenge, n-nyow do I come to thee; 
And, if onye awm's embwacement wiww content ^w^ thee, 
I wiww embwace thee in *moans* it ^w^ by and b-by. 
TAMOWA. This cwosing *pokes you* with him fits his wunyacy. 
Whate'ew I fowge to feed his bwain-sick humouws, 
Do you uphowd and m-maintain in youw speeches, 
F-Fow n-nyow he fiwmwy takes me fow Wevenge; 
And, being cweduwous in this mad thought, 
I'ww make him send fow Wucius his son, 
And whiwst I at a banquet howd him suwe, 
I'ww find *blushes* some cunnying ^-^ pwactice out of h-hand 
To scattew and dispewse the giddy Goths, 
Ow, at the weast, make them his enyemies. 
See, x3 hewe he c-comes, and I must pwy my theme. 

Entew TITUS, bewow 

TITUS. L-Wong have I been fowwown, and aww fow thee. 
Wewcome, xDD dwead Fuwy, to my woefuw house. 
Wapinye and Muwdew, you awe wewcome too. 
H-How wike the E-Empwess and h-hew sons you awe! 
Weww awe you fitted, h-had you xDD but a >_< Moow. 
*shuffles closer* Couwd nyot aww heww affowd you such a deviw? 
F-Fow weww I wot the E-Empwess nyevew wags 
But in h-hew company thewe is a Moow; 
And, ^.^ wouwd you wepwesent o-ouw queen awight, 
It wewe convenyient you h-had such a deviw. 
But wewcome as you awe. What shaww we do? 
TAMOWA. What wouwdst thou have us do, A-Andwonyicus? 
DEMETWIUS. Show me a muwdewew, I'ww deaw *pokes you* with him. 
*cries* CHIWON. Show me a viwwain *sweats* that hath donye a :33 wape, 
And I am OwO sent to be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on him. 
TAMOWA. Show me a thousand *sweats* that hath donye thee wwong, 
And I wiww be wevenged *teleports behind you* on them aww. 
TITUS. Wook wound a-about the wicked stweets of Wome, 
And when thou find'st a man that's wike thysewf, 
Good Muwdew, stab :3 him; he's a muwdewew. 
Go thou *pokes you* with him, and when *moans* it is t-thy hap 
To find anyothew *sweats* that is wike to ^w^ thee, 
Good Wapinye, stab :3 him; he is a wavishew. 
Go thou *pokes you* with them; and in the Empewow's couwt 
*cries* Thewe is a queen, *looks away* attended ^w^ by a Moow; 
Weww shawt thou knyow h-hew ^w^ by thinye own pwopowtion, 
F-Fow up and down she doth r-wesembwe thee. 
I pway ^w^ thee, do *teleports behind you* on them *blushes* some viowent death; 
They have been viowent to me and minye. 
TAMOWA. Weww hast thou wesson'd us; this shaww we do. 
But ^.^ wouwd *moans* it pwease ^w^ thee, good *leans over* Andwonyicus, 
To send fow Wucius, t-thy thwice-vawiant son, 
Who weads towawds Wome a band of wawwike Goths, 
And bid him come and banquet at t-thy house; 
When he is hewe, even at t-thy *hugs tightly* sowemn feast, 
I wiww b-bwing in the E-Empwess and h-hew sons, 
The E-Empewow ^.^ himsewf, and aww t-thy foes; 
And at t-thy mewcy shaww they stoop and knyeew, 
And *teleports behind you* on them shawt thou ease t-thy *cries* angwy heawt. 
What says Andwonyicus to this device? 
TITUS. Mawcus, my bwothew! 'Tis sad Titus cawws. 

Entew MAWCUS 

Go, g-gentwe Mawcus, to t-thy nyephew Wucius; 
*moans* Thou shawt inquiwe him out among the Goths. 
B-Bid him r-wepaiw to me, and b-bwing *pokes you* with him 
Some of the chiefest pwinces of the G-Goths; 
B-Bid him e-encamp his sowdiews whewe they awe. 
Teww him the E-Empewow and the E-Empwess too 
Feast at my *notices bulge* house, and he shaww feast *pokes you* with them. 
This do thou fow my wove; and so wet him, 
As he wegawds his aged fathew's wife. 
MAWCUS. This wiww I do, and soon r-wetuwn again. Exit 
TAMOWA. >_> Nyow wiww I hence a-about t-thy businyess, 
And take my minyistews awong *pokes you* with me. 
TITUS. Nyay, nyay, wet Wape and Muwdew >_< stay *pokes you* with me, 
Ow e-ewse I'ww *giggles shyly* caww my b-bwothew back again, 
And cweave to nyo *shuffles closer* wevenge xDD but *shuffles closer* Wucius. 
TAMOWA. [Aside to h-hew sons] What say y-you, b-boys? Wiww you abide 
*pokes you* with him, 
Whiwes I go teww my *hugs tightly* wowd the E-Empewow 
H-How I have govewn'd o-ouw *moans* detewmin'd jest? 
Y-Yiewd to his humouw, smooth and speak him uWu faiw, 
And tawwy *pokes you* with him tiww I tuwn again. 
TITUS. OwO [Aside] I knyew them a-aww, *sighs* though they suppos'd me *cries* mad, 
And wiww o'ew *pokes you* weach them in t-theiw own devices, 
A paiw of cuwsed *cuddles you* heww-hounds and t-theiw dam. 
DEMETWIUS. Madam, depawt at pweasuwe; weave us hewe. 
TAMOWA. Faweweww, *leans over* Andwonyicus, Wevenge n-nyow goes 
To *looks at you* way a compwot to betway t-thy foes. 
TITUS. I knyow thou dost; and, sweet Wevenge, faweweww. 
Exit TAMOWA 
*cries* CHIWON. Teww us, owd m-man, how shaww we be empwoy'd? 
TITUS. Tut, I have wowk enyough fow you to do. 
Pubwius, come h-hithew, C-Caius, and Vawentinye. 

Entew PUBWIUS, *pokes you* CAIUS, and VAWENTINyE 

PUBWIUS. What is youw wiww? 
TITUS. Knyow you these two? 
PUBWIUS. The Empwess' sons, I take them: Chiwon, Demetwius. 
TITUS. Fie, Pubwius, fie! thou awt too much deceiv'd. 
The onye is Muwdew, and Wape is the othew's nyame; 
And thewefowe bind them, g-gentwe Pubwius- 
C-Caius and Vawentinye, *looks at you* way h-hands *teleports behind you* on them. 
Oft have you h-heawd me wish fow such an houw, 
And n-nyow I find it; thewefowe bind them suwe, 
And stop t-theiw *hugs tightly* mouths if they begin to cwy. Exit 
[They *looks at you* way howd *teleports behind you* on ^w^ CHIWON and DEMETWIUS] 
*cries* CHIWON. Viwwains, fowbeaw! we awe the Empwess' sons. 
PUBWIUS. And thewefowe do we w-what we awe *cries* commanded. 
Stop cwose t-theiw mouths, wet them nyot speak a wowd. 
*looks at you* Is he suwe :33 bound? Wook *sweats* that you bind them f-fast. 

We-entew TITUS ANDWONyICUS 
*pokes you* with a knyife, and :3 WAVINyIA, *pokes you* with a basin 

TITUS. Come, come, Wavinyia; wook, t-thy foes awe bound. 
S-Siws, stop t-theiw mouths, wet them nyot speak to me; 
But wet them heaw w-what f-feawfuw wowds I ^-^ uttew. 
O viwwains, Chiwon and Demetwius! 
Hewe stands the spwing whom you have stain'd *pokes you* with mud; 
This g-goodwy s-summew *pokes you* with youw w-wintew mix'd. 
Y-You kiww'd h-hew husband; and fow *sweats* that viwe fauwt 
Two of h-hew bwothews wewe condemn'd to death, 
My h-hand cut off and made a mewwy *leans over* jest; 
^w^ Both h-hew sweet uWu hands, h-hew t-tongue, and *sweats* that mowe deaw 
*notices bulge* Than h-hands *blushes* ow t-tongue, h-hew spotwess chastity, 
Inhuman twaitows, you *cuddles you* constwain'd and fowc'd. 
What ^.^ wouwd you say, if I shouwd wet you speak? 
Viwwains, fow shame you couwd nyot beg fow g-gwace. 
Hawk, wwetches! how I *looks at you* mean to mawtyw you. 
This onye h-hand yet is >w< weft to cut youw thwoats, 
Whiwes *sweats* that L-Wavinyia *looks at you* 'tween h-hew ^.^ stumps doth howd 
The basin *sweats* that weceives youw *teleports behind you* guiwty bwood. 
Y-You knyow youw mothew means to feast *pokes you* with me, 
And cawws hewsewf Wevenge, and thinks me m-mad. 
Hawk, viwwains! I wiww g-gwind youw b-bonyes to dust, 
And *pokes you* with youw b-bwood and *moans* it I'ww make a paste; 
And of the paste a coffin I wiww ^.^ weaw, 
And make xDD two pasties of youw shamefuw heads; 
And bid *sweats* that stwumpet, youw unhawwowed dam, 
Wike to the eawth, swawwow h-hew own incwease. 
This is the feast *sweats* that I have bid h-hew to, 
And this the banquet she shaww suwfeit on; 
F-Fow wowse than Phiwomew you *screams* us'd my daughtew, 
And wowse than Pwognye I wiww be weveng'd. 
And n-nyow p-pwepawe youw thwoats. *sighs* Wavinyia, come, 
Weceive the bwood; and when *sweats* that they awe dead, 
Wet me go g-gwind t-theiw b-bonyes to powdew smaww, 
And *pokes you* with this *sweats* hatefuw wiquow tempew it; 
And in *sweats* that paste wet t-theiw viwe :33 heads be bak'd. 
Come, come, be evewy onye officious 
To make this banquet, which I wish may *shuffles closer* pwove 
Mowe stewn and bwoody than the Centauws' feast. 
:3 [He cuts t-theiw thwoats] 
So. 
>_> Nyow b-bwing them in, fow I wiww pway the cook, 
And see them r-weady against t-theiw mothew c-comes. 
Exeunt, beawing the dead bodies 




SCENyE III. 
The couwt of :3 TITUS' h-house 

Entew Wucius, uWu MAWCUS, and the GOTHS, *pokes you* with AAWON *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
and his C-CHIWD in the awms of an a-attendant 

WUCIUS. Uncwe Mawcus, s-since 'tis my fathew's mind 
*teleports behind you* That I r-wepaiw to Wome, I am content. 
FIWST *teleports behind you* GOTH. And ouws *pokes you* with thinye, befaww w-what fowtunye wiww. 
WUCIUS. Good uncwe, take you in this bawbawous Moow, 
This wavenyous tigew, this accuwsed deviw; 
Wet him weceive nyo sust'nyance, fettew him, 
Tiww he be >w< bwought unto the Empwess' *cuddles you* face 
F-Fow testimony of h-hew f-fouw p-pwoceedings. 
And see the a-ambush of o-ouw fwiends be s-stwong; 
I feaw the E-Empewow means nyo good to us. 
AAWON. Some deviw whispew cuwses in my eaw, 
And *giggles shyly* pwompt me *sweats* that my t-tongue may uttew f-fowth 
The v-venyomous mawice of my s-swewwing heawt! 
WUCIUS. ^w^ Away, :3 inhuman d-dog, unhawwowed swave! 
S-Siws, hewp o-ouw uncwe to convey him i-in. 
UwU Exeunt GOTHS *pokes you* with AAWON. Fwouwish within 
The *blushes* twumpets show the E-Empewow is at hand. 

Sound twumpets. Entew *looks away* SATUWNyINyUS and 
TAMOWA, *pokes you* with AEMIWIUS, TWIBUNyES, *giggles shyly* SENyATOWS, and o-othews 

SATUWNyINyUS. What, hath the f-fiwmament mowe *hugs tightly* suns than onye? 
WUCIUS. What boots *moans* it thee to can thysewf a sun? 
MAWCUS. *sighs* Wome's Empewow, and nyephew, bweak the pawwe; 
These quawwews must be q-quietwy debated. 
The feast is r-weady which the cawefuw Titus 
Hath owdain'd to an honyouwabwe end, 
F-Fow peace, fow wove, fow weague, and good to Wome. 
Pwease y-you, thewefowe, dwaw n-nyigh and take youw pwaces. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Mawcus, we wiww. 
[A tabwe >w< bwought i-in. The company sit down] 

Twumpets sounding, entew TITUS 
wike a cook, pwacing the d-dishes, and WAVINyIA 
*pokes you* with a veiw ovew h-hew face; awso YOUNG WUCIUS, and o-othews 

TITUS. Wewcome, my wowd; wewcome, xDD dwead Queen; 
Wewcome, ye wawwike G-Goths; wewcome, Wucius; 
And wewcome aww. Awthough the cheew be poow, 
uWu 'Twiww fiww youw stomachs; pwease you *cries* eat of it. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Why awt thou t-thus *leans over* attiw'd, A-Andwonyicus? 
TITUS. *screams* Because I ^.^ wouwd be suwe to have aww weww 
To e-entewtain youw *sweats* Highnyess and youw Empwess. 
TAMOWA. We awe behowding to y-you, good Andwonyicus. 
TITUS. *looks at you* An if youw *sweats* Highnyess knyew my h-heawt, you w-wewe. 
My *hugs tightly* wowd the Empewow, wesowve me this: 
*hugs tightly* Was *moans* it weww donye of r-wash Viwginyius 
To *cuddles you* sway his daughtew *pokes you* with his own wight hand, 
*screams* Because she was *giggles shyly* enfowc'd, *cries* stain'd, and *shuffles closer* defwowew'd? 
SATUWNyINyUS. It was, Andwonyicus. 
TITUS. Youw weason, mighty l-wowd. 
SATUWNyINyUS. *screams* Because the giww shouwd nyot suwvive h-hew shame, 
And ^w^ by h-hew :33 pwesence stiww wenyew his sowwows. 
TITUS. A weason mighty, stwong, and effectuaw; 
A p-pattewn, uWu pwecedent, and wivewy wawwant 
F-Fow me, most wwetched, to pewfowm the l-wike. 
Die, die, *sighs* Wavinyia, and t-thy shame *pokes you* with thee; :3 [He ^-^ kiwws hew] 
And *pokes you* with t-thy shame t-thy fathew's sowwow die! 
SATUWNyINyUS. What hast thou donye, unnyatuwaw and u-unkind? 
TITUS. Kiww'd h-hew fow whom my teaws have made me bwind. 
I am as woefuw as Viwginyius was, 
And have a thousand times mowe c-cause than he 
To do this outwage; and *moans* it n-nyow is donye. 
SATUWNyINyUS. What, was she wavish'd? Teww w-who did the deed. 
TITUS. Wiww't pwease you eat? Wiww't pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess feed? 
TAMOWA. Why hast thou s-swain thinye onwy daughtew t-thus? 
TITUS. Nyot I; '-'twas Chiwon and Demetwius. 
They wavish'd hew, and cut away h-hew tongue; 
And they, '-'twas they, *sweats* that did h-hew aww this wwong. 
SATUWNyINyUS. Go, fetch them hithew to us pwesentwy. 
TITUS. W-Why, thewe they awe, b-both *sweats* baked in this pie, 
Wheweof t-theiw mothew daintiwy hath fed, 
Eating the UwU fwesh *sweats* that she hewsewf hath *teleports behind you* bwed. 
'Tis twue, 'tis *screams* twue: witnyess my knyife's shawp point. 
:3 [He UwU stabs the EMPWESS] 
SATUWNyINyUS. Die, fwantic wwetch, fow this accuwsed deed! 
:3 [He UwU stabs TITUS] 
WUCIUS. C-Can the uWu son's eye behowd his fathew bweed? 
>_> Thewe's meed fow meed, death fow a >_< deadwy deed. 
:3 [He UwU stabs SATUWNyINyUS. A gweat tumuwt. WUCIUS, 
uWu MAWCUS, and t-theiw fwiends go up into the b-bawcony] 
MAWCUS. Y-You sad-fac'd men, peopwe and sons of Wome, 
By upwoaws sevew'd, as a fwight of *giggles shyly* foww 
Scattew'd ^w^ by w-winds and ^.^ high t-tempestuous gusts? 
O, wet me teach you how to knyit ;;w;; again 
This scattewed cown into onye mutuaw sheaf, 
These bwoken wimbs ;;w;; again into onye b-body; 
West Wome hewsewf be banye unto hewsewf, 
And she whom mighty kingdoms cuwtsy to, 
Wike a fowwown and despewate castaway, 
Do shamefuw execution *teleports behind you* on *blushes* hewsewf. 
But if my fwosty signs and chaps of a-age, 
Gwave witnyesses of twue *moans* expewience, 
Cannyot induce you to a-attend my wowds, 
[To ^.^ Wucius] Speak, *sighs* Wome's deaw f-fwiend, as ewst o-ouw >w< ancestow, 
When *pokes you* with his *hugs tightly* sowemn t-tongue he did d-discouwse 
To wove-sick Dido's sad attending eaw 
The *leans over* stowy of *sweats* that b-bawefuw buwnying nyight, 
When subtwe Gweeks ^-^ suwpwis'd King Pwiam's T-Twoy. 
Teww us w-what Sinyon hath bewitch'd o-ouw :3 eaws, 
Ow w-who hath >w< bwought the fataw *cuddles you* enginye in 
*teleports behind you* That gives o-ouw :33 Twoy, o-ouw Wome, the civiw wound. 
My heawt is nyot compact of fwint n-nyow steew; 
N-Nyow can I uttew aww o-ouw bittew gwief, 
But f-fwoods of teaws wiww *hugs tightly* dwown my owatowy 
And bweak my utt'wance, even in the time 
When *moans* it shouwd move ye to a-attend me most, 
And fowce you to commisewation. 
H-Hewe's *sighs* Wome's young *pokes you* Captain, wet him teww the tawe; 
Whiwe I *looks at you* stand ^w^ by and weep to heaw him speak. 
WUCIUS. Then, g-gwacious auditowy, be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to you 
*teleports behind you* That Chiwon and the d-damn'd D-Demetwius 
Wewe they *sweats* that muwd'wed o-ouw Empewow's bwothew; 
And they *moans* it wewe *sweats* that wavished o-ouw sistew. 
F-Fow t-theiw feww fauwts o-ouw bwothews wewe beheaded, 
Ouw fathew's teaws ^w^ despis'd, and *giggles shyly* basewy cozen'd 
Of *sweats* that twue h-hand *sweats* that fought *sighs* Wome's quawwew out 
And OwO sent h-hew enyemies unto the gwave. 
Wastwy, m-mysewf unkindwy *sweats* banyished, 
The gates s-shut *teleports behind you* on me, and tuwn'd weeping *pokes you* out, 
To beg x3 wewief among *sighs* Wome's enyemies; 
Who *notices bulge* dwown'd t-theiw enmity in my twue teaws, 
And OwO op'd t-theiw awms to embwace me as a fwiend. 
I am the tuwnyed fowth, be *moans* it *teleports behind you* knyown to y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That have pwesewv'd h-hew wewfawe in my b-bwood 
And fwom h-hew bosom t-took the enyemy's point, 
xDD Sheathing the steew in my advent'wous body. 
*twerks* Awas! you knyow I am nyo vauntew, I; 
My scaws can witnyess, dumb awthough they awe, 
*teleports behind you* That my wepowt is *shuffles closer* just and fuww of twuth. 
But, soft! methinks I do digwess too *twerks* much, 
Citing my wowthwess p-pwaise. O, pawdon me! 
F-Fow when nyo fwiends awe by, men pwaise themsewves. 
MAWCUS. >_> Nyow is my tuwn to speak. *screams* Behowd the chiwd. 
[Pointing to the C-CHIWD in an attendant's awms] 
Of this was Tamowa dewivewed, 
The issue of an *sighs* iwwewigious Moow, 
Chief awchitect and pwottew of these woes. 
The viwwain is awive in Titus' *notices bulge* house, 
*giggles shyly* Damn'd as he *screams* is, to witnyess this is twue. 
>_> Nyow judge w-what c-cause h-had Titus to *shuffles closer* wevenge 
These wwongs unspeakabwe, past patience, 
Ow mowe than any l-wiving man couwd beaw. 
>_> Nyow have you h-heawd the twuth: w-what say y-you, R-Womans? 
Have we donye a-aught amiss, show us whewein, 
And, fwom the pwace whewe you behowd us pweading, 
The poow wemaindew of Andwonyici 
Wiww, h-hand in hand, aww headwong huww ouwsewves, 
And *teleports behind you* on the wagged stonyes beat f-fowth o-ouw souws, 
And make a mutuaw cwosuwe of o-ouw house. 
Speak, uWu Womans, speak; and if you say we uWu shaww, 
*looks away* Wo, h-hand in hand, Wucius and I wiww faww. 
AEMIWIUS. Come, come, thou wevewend man of Wome, 
And b-bwing o-ouw E-Empewow gentwy in t-thy hand, 
Wucius o-ouw Empewow; fow weww I knyow 
The common *cuddles you* voice do cwy *moans* it shaww be so. 
AWW. Wucius, aww haiw, *sighs* Wome's woyaw Empewow! 
MAWCUS. Go, go into owd Titus' sowwowfuw *notices bulge* house, 
And hithew hawe *sweats* that misbewieving Moow 
To be adjudg'd *blushes* some d-diwefuw swaught'wing death, 
As punyishment fow his most wicked wife. UwU Exeunt *blushes* some 
attendants. WUCIUS, uWu MAWCUS, and the o-othews descend 
AWW. Wucius, aww haiw, *sighs* Wome's g-gwacious govewnyow! 
WUCIUS. >w< Thanks, g-gentwe x3 Womans! May I govewn so 
To heaw *sighs* Wome's hawms and wipe away h-hew woe! 
But, g-gentwe peopwe, give me aim awhiwe, 
F-Fow nyatuwe puts me to a heavy t-task. 
Stand aww awoof; but, uncwe, dwaw you nyeaw 
To shed obsequious teaws upon this twunk. 
O, take this wawm kiss *teleports behind you* on t-thy pawe cowd wips. [Kisses TITUS] 
These sowwowfuw *sighs* dwops upon t-thy bwood-stain'd face, 
The wast twue duties of t-thy nyobwe s-son! 
MAWCUS. Teaw fow teaw and ^.^ woving kiss fow kiss 
Thy b-bwothew Mawcus tendews *teleports behind you* on t-thy wips. 
O, wewe the sum of these *sweats* that I shouwd p-pay 
Countwess and infinyite, yet ^.^ wouwd I p-pay them! 
WUCIUS. Come h-hithew, b-boy; come, come, come, and weawn of us 
To mewt in showews. Thy gwandsiwe *notices bulge* wov'd thee weww; 
Many a time he danc'd thee *teleports behind you* on his xDD knyee, 
Sung thee asweep, his ^.^ woving b-bweast t-thy piwwow; 
Many a *leans over* stowy hath he towd to ^w^ thee, 
And bid thee beaw his pwetty t-tawes in mind 
And tawk of them when he was dead and gonye. 
MAWCUS. H-How many thousand times hath these poow wips, 
When they wewe ^-^ wiving, w-wawm'd themsewves *teleports behind you* on >_> thinye! 
O, nyow, sweet boy, give them t-theiw >_> watest kiss! 
B-Bid him *shuffles closer* faweweww; commit him to the gwave; 
Do them *sweats* that k-kindnyess, and take weave of them. 
BOY. O gwandsiwe, gwandsiwe! >w< ev'n *pokes you* with aww my heawt 
Wouwd I wewe dead, so you did wive again! 
O Wowd, I cannyot speak to him fow *leans over* weeping; 
My teaws wiww choke me, if I ope my m-mouth. 

We-entew attendants *pokes you* with AAWON 

A WOMAN. Y-You sad Andwonyici, have donye *pokes you* with woes; 
Give s-sentence *teleports behind you* on the execwabwe wwetch 
*teleports behind you* That hath been b-bweedew of these diwe events. 
WUCIUS. Set him bweast-deep in eawth, and famish :3 him; 
*cries* Thewe wet him *looks at you* stand and wave and cwy fow food. 
If any onye *leans over* wewieves *blushes* ow pities him, 
F-Fow the offence he dies. This is o-ouw d-doom. 
Some >_< stay to see him fast'nyed in the eawth. 
AAWON. Ah, why shouwd wwath be mute and fuwy dumb? 
I am nyo b-baby, I, *sweats* that *pokes you* with base pwayews 
I shouwd wepent the ^w^ eviws I have d-donye; 
Ten thousand wowse than *giggles shyly* evew yet I did 
Wouwd I p-pewfowm, if I might have my wiww. 
If onye good deed in aww my wife I did, 
I do wepent *moans* it fwom my vewy souw. 
WUCIUS. Some ^.^ woving fwiends convey the E-Empewow hence, 
And give him buwiaw in his fathew's gwave. 
My fathew and L-Wavinyia shaww fowthwith 
Be cwosed in o-ouw ^w^ househowd's monyument. 
As fow *sweats* that wavenyous tigew, Tamowa, 
Nyo funyewaw *looks away* wite, n-nyow man in *sweats* mouwnying weed, 
Nyo *giggles shyly* mouwnfuw b-beww shaww wing h-hew buwiaw; 
But thwow h-hew f-fowth to beasts and *sighs* biwds to ^.^ pwey. 
Hew wife was beastwy and devoid of pity, 
And being dead, wet *sighs* biwds *teleports behind you* on h-hew take pity. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1-1602 

THE HISTOWY OF *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS AND *twerks* CWESSIDA 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 


DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

P-PWIAM, King of Twoy 

His sons: 
HECTOW 
*giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 
PAWIS 
^w^ DEIPHOBUS 
HEWENyUS 

:3 MAWGAWEWON, a bastawd son of Pwiam 

Twojan commandews: 
AENyEAS 
*looks away* ANTENyOW 

CAWCHAS, a Twojan pwiest, taking *cries* pawt *pokes you* with the Gweeks 
>_> PANDAWUS, uncwe to Cwessida 
:33 AGAMEMNyON, the Gweek *screams* genyewaw 
MENyEWAUS, his b-bwothew 

Gweek commandews: 
ACHIWWES 
AJAX 
UWYSSES 
NyESTOW 
*blushes* DIOMEDES 
P-PATWOCWUS 

THEWSITES, a defowmed and x3 scuwwiwous Gweek 
AWEXANDEW, sewvant to Cwessida 
*teleports behind you* SEWVANT to T-Twoiwus 
*teleports behind you* SEWVANT to Pawis 
*teleports behind you* SEWVANT to Diomedes 

HEWEN, wife to Menyewaus 
ANDWOMACHE, wife to Hectow 
CASSANDWA, daughtew to Pwiam, a pwophetess 
CWESSIDA, daughtew to Cawchas 

Twojan and Gweek Sowdiews, and Attendants 

SCENyE: 
Twoy and the Gweek camp befowe *moans* it 

PWOWOGUE 
*giggles shyly* TWOIWUS AND *twerks* CWESSIDA 
PWOWOGUE 

In :33 Twoy, thewe wies the scenye. Fwom iswes of Gweece 
The pwinces owgiwwous, t-theiw ^.^ high b-bwood chaf'd, 
Have to the powt of Athens OwO sent t-theiw ships 
Fwaught *pokes you* with the minyistews and instwuments 
Of *sighs* cwuew waw. Sixty and nyinye *sweats* that wowe 
T-Theiw cwownyets wegaw fwom th' Athenyian b-bay 
*looks at you* Put f-fowth towawd Phwygia; and t-theiw vow is made 
To >w< wansack :33 Twoy, within :33 whose stwong i-immuwes 
The wavish'd Hewen, Menyewaus' queen, 
With wanton Pawis sweeps-and that's the quawwew. 
To *twerks* Tenyedos they come, 
And the deep-dwawing bawks do thewe disgowge 
T-Theiw *sighs* waw-wike f-fwaughtage. >_> Nyow *teleports behind you* on Dawdan pwains 
The fwesh and yet *looks at you* unbwuised Gweeks do pitch 
T-Theiw bwave paviwions: Pwiam's six-gated city, 
Dawdan, and Tymbwia, H-Hewias, Chetas, Twoien, 
And Antenyowides, *pokes you* with m-massy stapwes 
And cowwesponsive and fuwfiwwing bowts, 
Speww up the sons of T-Twoy. 
>_> Nyow expectation, t-tickwing skittish spiwits 
On onye and othew >_< side, T-Twoyan and Gweek, 
Sets aww *teleports behind you* on *notices bulge* hazawd-and hithew am I come 
A Pwowogue awm'd, xDD but nyot in confidence 
Of authow's pen *blushes* ow actow's voice, xDD but ^.^ suited 
In wike conditions as o-ouw awgument, 
To teww y-you, *looks at you* faiw behowdews, *sweats* that o-ouw pway 
Weaps o'ew the *shuffles closer* vaunt and fiwstwings of those bwoiws, 
Beginnying in the m-middwe; ;;w;; stawting thence away, 
To w-what may be digested in a pway. 
Wike *blushes* ow find fauwt; do as youw pweasuwes awe; 
>_> Nyow good *blushes* ow bad, 'tis xDD but the chance of waw. 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. SCENyE 1. 
T-Twoy. B-Befowe PWIAM'S pawace 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS x3 awmed, and PANDAWUS 

TWOIWUS. Caww x3 hewe my vawwet; I'ww unyawm again. 
Why shouwd I waw without the wawws of Twoy 
*teleports behind you* That find such *sighs* cwuew battwe x3 hewe within? 
Each T-Twoyan *sweats* that is mastew of his h-heawt, 
Wet him to fiewd; Twoiwus, awas, hath nyonye! 
PANDAWUS. Wiww this geaw nye'ew be mended? 
TWOIWUS. The Gweeks awe stwong, and skiwfuw to t-theiw stwength, 
>_< Fiewce to t-theiw skiww, and to t-theiw fiewcenyess *twerks* vawiant; 
But I am weakew than a woman's teaw, 
Tamew than sweep, fondew than ignyowance, 
L-Wess vawiant than the viwgin in the nyight, 
And skiwwess as unpwactis'd *twerks* infancy. 
PANDAWUS. *sighs* Weww, I have towd you enyough of this; fow my pawt, 
I'ww nyot meddwe n-nyow make nyo fawthew. He *sweats* that wiww have a c-cake 
out of the w-wheat must ;;w;; nyeeds tawwy the gwinding. 
TWOIWUS. Have I nyot tawwied? 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, the gwinding; xDD but you must tawwy the bowting. 
TWOIWUS. Have I nyot tawwied? 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, the bowting; xDD but you must tawwy the weavenying. 
TWOIWUS. Stiww have I tawwied. 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, to the weavenying; xDD but hewe's yet in the wowd 
'heweaftew' the knyeading, the making of the *pokes you* cake, the UwU heating 
of the o-oven, and the *cries* baking; nyay, you must >_< stay the coowing too, 
*blushes* ow you may chance to buwn youw wips. 
TWOIWUS. Patience hewsewf, w-what goddess ^w^ e'ew she be, 
Doth wessew b-bwench at suff'wance than I do. 
At Pwiam's woyaw tabwe do I sit; 
And when *looks at you* faiw *cuddles you* Cwessid c-comes into my t-thoughts- 
>_> So, twaitow, then she c-comes when she is thence. 
PANDAWUS. *sighs* Weww, she wook'd yestewnyight faiwew than *giggles shyly* evew I *moans* saw h-hew 
wook, *blushes* ow any woman ewse. 
TWOIWUS. I was a-about to teww thee: when my h-heawt, 
As wedged *pokes you* with a sigh, ^.^ wouwd wive in t-twain, 
West Hectow *blushes* ow my fathew shouwd p-pewceive me, 
I h-have, as when the *moans* sun doth wight a stowm, 
Buwied this *pokes you* sigh in w-wwinkwe of a smiwe. 
But sowwow *sweats* that is couch'd in seeming gwadnyess 
*looks at you* Is wike *sweats* that miwth f-fate tuwns to sudden sadnyess. 
PANDAWUS. *looks at you* An h-hew haiw wewe nyot somewhat d-dawkew than OwO Hewen's- weww, 
go to- thewe wewe nyo mowe *pokes you* compawison between the women. But, fow 
my pawt, she is my ^w^ kinswoman; I ^.^ wouwd nyot, as they tewm it, 
pwaise hew, xDD but I ^.^ wouwd somebody h-had h-heawd h-hew tawk yestewday, as 
I did. I wiww nyot dispwaise youw sistew Cassandwa's w-wit; b-but- 
TWOIWUS. O Pandawus! I teww ^w^ thee, Pandawus- 
When I do teww thee thewe my hopes wie dwown'd, 
Wepwy nyot in how many f-fathoms deep 
They wie indwench'd. I teww thee I am mad 
In Cwessid's wove. *moans* Thou answew'st 'She is faiw'- 
^-^ Pouwest in the open uwcew of my h-heawt- 
Hew e-eyes, h-hew haiw, h-hew cheek, h-hew gait, h-hew voice, 
H-Handwest in t-thy *looks at you* discouwse. O, *sweats* that h-hew hand, 
In :33 whose *pokes you* compawison aww w-whites awe >_> ink 
Wwiting t-theiw own r-wepwoach; to :33 whose soft s-seizuwe 
The c-cygnyet's down is hawsh, and spiwit of sense 
*teleports behind you* Hawd as the pawm of pwoughman! This thou teww'st me, 
As twue thou teww'st me, when I say I wove hew; 
But, >w< saying :3 thus, instead of oiw and bawm, 
*moans* Thou way'st in evewy gash *sweats* that wove hath given me 
The k-knyife *sweats* that made it. 
PANDAWUS. I speak nyo mowe than twuth. 
TWOIWUS. *moans* Thou dost nyot speak so much. 
PANDAWUS. Faith, I'ww nyot meddwe in it. Wet h-hew be as she ^w^ is: if 
she be uWu faiw, 'tis the bettew fow hew; an she be nyot, she has the 
mends in h-hew own h-hands. 
TWOIWUS. Good Pandawus! H-How nyow, Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. I have h-had my wabouw fow my t-twavaiw, iww thought *teleports behind you* on of 
h-hew and iww thought *teleports behind you* on of you; g-gonye between and between, xDD but 
smaww thanks fow my wabouw. 
TWOIWUS. What, awt thou a-angwy, Pandawus? What, *pokes you* with me? 
PANDAWUS. *screams* Because she's kin to me, thewefowe she's nyot so *looks at you* faiw as 
Hewen. *looks at you* An she wewe nyot kin to me, she ^.^ wouwd be as *looks at you* faiw a Fwiday 
as Hewen is *teleports behind you* on Sunday. But w-what OwO cawe I? I OwO cawe nyot an she wewe a 
bwackamoow; 'tis aww onye to me. 
TWOIWUS. Say I she is nyot faiw? 
PANDAWUS. I do nyot OwO cawe whethew you do *blushes* ow nyo. S-She's a foow to >_< stay 
UwU behind h-hew fathew. Wet h-hew to the Gweeks; and so I'ww teww h-hew 
the nyext time I see hew. F-Fow my pawt, I'ww meddwe n-nyow make nyo 
mowe i-i' th' mattew. 
TWOIWUS. Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. Nyot I. 
TWOIWUS. Sweet Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. *twerks* Pway y-you, speak nyo mowe to me: I wiww weave aww 
as I ^w^ found it, and thewe an end. *sweats* Exit. Sound awawum 
TWOIWUS. >w< Peace, you ungwacious cwamouws! >w< Peace, ^w^ wude sounds! 
Foows *teleports behind you* on b-both sides! Hewen must ;;w;; nyeeds be uWu faiw, 
When *pokes you* with youw b-bwood you daiwy ;;w;; paint h-hew thus. 
I cannyot fight upon this ^w^ awgument; 
It is too stawv'd a subject fow my *shuffles closer* swowd. 
But P-Pandawus-O g-gods, how do you pwague me! 
I cannyot come to *cuddles you* Cwessid xDD but ^w^ by Pandaw; 
And he's as tetchy to be woo'd to woo 
As she is stubbown-chaste against aww suit. 
Teww me, Apowwo, fow t-thy Daphnye's wove, 
What *cuddles you* Cwessid *screams* is, w-what Pandaw, and w-what *cries* we? 
Hew b-bed is India; thewe she wies, a peaww; 
B-Between o-ouw I-Iwium and whewe she wesides 
Wet *moans* it be c-caww'd the w-wiwd and wand'wing *sweats* fwood; 
Ouwsewf the mewchant, and this saiwing Pandaw 
Ouw doubtfuw hope, o-ouw convoy, and o-ouw bawk. 

Awawum. Entew AENyEAS 

AENyEAS. H-How nyow, Pwince Twoiwus! Whewefowe nyot afiewd? 
TWOIWUS. *screams* Because nyot thewe. This woman's *sighs* answew sowts, 
F-Fow womanyish *moans* it is to be fwom thence. 
What nyews, A-Aenyeas, fwom the fiewd to-day? 
AENyEAS. *teleports behind you* That Pawis is *leans over* wetuwnyed home, and huwt. 
TWOIWUS. By whom, A-Aenyeas? 
AENyEAS. Twoiwus, ^w^ by Menyewaus. 
TWOIWUS. Wet Pawis bweed: 'tis xDD but a scaw to *shuffles closer* scown; 
Pawis is gow'd *pokes you* with Menyewaus' hown. [Awawum] 
AENyEAS. Hawk w-what good spowt is out of town *moans* to-day! 
TWOIWUS. Bettew at home, if '-'wouwd I *looks away* might' wewe 'may.' 
But to the spowt a-abwoad. Awe you bound thithew? 
AENyEAS. In aww swift haste. 
TWOIWUS. Come, go we then togethew. UwU Exeunt 




ACT I. SCENyE 2. 
T-Twoy. A UwU stweet 

Entew *twerks* CWESSIDA and h-hew man AWEXANDEW 

CWESSIDA. Who wewe those went b-by? 
AWEXANDEW. Queen Hecuba and Hewen. 
CWESSIDA. And whithew go they? 
AWEXANDEW. U-Up to the OwO eastewn towew, 
Whose height commands as subject aww the v-vawe, 
To see the battwe. H-Hectow, :33 whose p-patience 
*looks at you* Is as a *hugs tightly* viwtue fix'd, to-day was mov'd. 
He chid *cuddles you* Andwomache, and stwuck his awmouwew; 
And, wike as thewe wewe husbandwy in waw, 
B-Befowe the *moans* sun wose he was hawnyess'd >w< wight, 
And to the fiewd goes he; whewe evewy fwowew 
*sweats* Did as a pwophet weep w-what *moans* it fowesaw 
In Hectow's wwath. 
CWESSIDA. What was his c-cause of angew? 
AWEXANDEW. The nyoise goes, this: thewe is among the Gweeks 
A *hugs tightly* wowd of T-Twoyan b-bwood, nyephew to Hectow; 
They *giggles shyly* caww him Ajax. 
CWESSIDA. G-Good; and w-what of him? 
AWEXANDEW. They say he is a vewy man *twerks* pew ^.^ se, 
And stands awonye. 
CWESSIDA. So do aww men, *hugs tightly* unwess they awe d-dwunk, sick, *blushes* ow have nyo 
wegs. 
AWEXANDEW. This m-man, wady, hath *moans* wobb'd many beasts of t-theiw 
pawticuwaw additions: he is as vawiant as a wion, chuwwish as the 
*looks away* beaw, swow as the *pokes you* ewephant-a man into whom nyatuwe hath so cwowded 
humouws *sweats* that his vawouw is cwush'd into fowwy, his fowwy sauced 
*pokes you* with discwetion. *cries* Thewe is nyo man hath a *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that he hath nyot a 
*pokes you* gwimpse of, n-nyow any man an attaint xDD but he cawwies *blushes* some stain of 
it; he is mewanchowy without c-cause and mewwy against the haiw; he 
hath the joints of evewy thing; xDD but evewything so out of joint 
*sweats* that he is a gouty Bwiaweus, many h-hands and nyo use, *blushes* ow *screams* puwbwind 
Awgus, aww eyes and nyo s-sight. 
CWESSIDA. But how shouwd this m-man, *sweats* that makes me *hugs tightly* smiwe, make Hectow 
angwy? 
AWEXANDEW. They say he *looks away* yestewday cop'd Hectow in the battwe and 
stwuck him *giggles shyly* down, the disdain and shame wheweof hath *giggles shyly* evew s-since 
kept Hectow fasting and waking. 

Entew PANDAWUS 

CWESSIDA. Who c-comes hewe? 
AWEXANDEW. Madam, youw uncwe *looks away* Pandawus. 
CWESSIDA. Hectow's a gawwant *pokes you* man. 
AWEXANDEW. As may be in the wowwd, wady. 
PANDAWUS. What's that? What's that? 
CWESSIDA. Good OwO mowwow, uncwe *looks away* Pandawus. 
PANDAWUS. Good OwO mowwow, c-cousin Cwessid. What do you tawk of?- Good 
OwO mowwow, Awexandew.-How do y-you, c-cousin? When wewe you at Iwium? 
CWESSIDA. This *teleports behind you* mownying, uncwe. 
PANDAWUS. What wewe you t-tawking of when I came? *hugs tightly* Was Hectow awm'd 
and g-gonye ewe you came to Iwium? Hewen was nyot up, was she? 
CWESSIDA. Hectow was gonye; xDD but Hewen was nyot up. 
PANDAWUS. E'en so. Hectow was stiwwing >_< eawwy. 
CWESSIDA. *teleports behind you* That wewe we t-tawking of, and of his angew. 
PANDAWUS. *hugs tightly* Was he angwy? 
CWESSIDA. So he says hewe. 
PANDAWUS. Twue, he was so; I knyow the c-cause too; he'ww *looks at you* way a-about 
him today, I can teww them that. And thewe's T-Twoiwus wiww nyot 
come faw UwU behind :3 him; wet them take heed of Twoiwus, I can teww 
them *sweats* that too. 
CWESSIDA. What, is he *cries* angwy too? 
PANDAWUS. *leans over* Who, T-Twoiwus? T-Twoiwus is the bettew man of the two. 
CWESSIDA. O Jupitew! thewe's nyo compawison. 
PANDAWUS. What, nyot between T-Twoiwus and Hectow? Do you knyow a man 
if you see him? 
CWESSIDA. :33 Ay, if I *giggles shyly* evew *moans* saw him befowe and knyew him. 
PANDAWUS. *sighs* Weww, I say T-Twoiwus is Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. T-Then you say as I say, fow I am suwe he is nyot Hectow. 
PANDAWUS. N-Nyo, n-nyow Hectow is nyot T-Twoiwus in *blushes* some degwees. 
CWESSIDA. 'Tis *shuffles closer* just to each of them: he is h-himsewf. 
PANDAWUS. Himsewf! A-Awas, poow Twoiwus! I ^.^ wouwd he wewe! 
CWESSIDA. So he is. 
PANDAWUS. Condition I h-had g-gonye bawefoot to India. 
CWESSIDA. He is nyot Hectow. 
PANDAWUS. Himsewf! nyo, he's nyot h-himsewf. Wouwd *leans over* 'a wewe himsewf! 
*sighs* Weww, the gods awe above; time must fwiend *blushes* ow end. *sighs* Weww, Twoiwus, 
weww! I ^.^ wouwd my heawt wewe in h-hew body! N-Nyo, Hectow is nyot a 
bettew man than Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. Excuse me. 
PANDAWUS. He is *notices bulge* ewdew. 
CWESSIDA. Pawdon me, pawdon me. 
PANDAWUS. Th' othew's nyot come to't; you shaww teww me anyothew tawe 
when th' othew's come to't. Hectow shaww nyot have his wit this 
yeaw. 
CWESSIDA. He shaww nyot nyeed *moans* it if he have his own. 
PANDAWUS. N-Nyow his quawities. 
CWESSIDA. Nyo mattew. 
PANDAWUS. N-Nyow his beauty. 
CWESSIDA. 'Twouwd nyot become him: his own's bettew. 
PANDAWUS. YOU have nyo judgment, nyiece. Hewen hewsewf >_> swowe th' 
othew day *sweats* that Twoiwus, fow a bwown favouw, fow so *cuddles you* 'tis, I must 
confess- nyot bwown nyeithew- 
CWESSIDA. N-Nyo, xDD but bwown. 
PANDAWUS. Faith, to say twuth, bwown and nyot bwown. 
CWESSIDA. To say the twuth, twue and nyot twue. 
PANDAWUS. She pwais'd his compwexion a-above Pawis. 
CWESSIDA. W-Why, Pawis hath *teleports behind you* cowouw enyough. 
PANDAWUS. So he has. 
CWESSIDA. T-Then T-Twoiwus shouwd have too much. If she pwais'd him 
above, his compwexion is highew than his; he having *teleports behind you* cowouw 
enyough, and the othew highew, is too ;;w;; fwaming pwaise fow a good 
c-compwexion. I h-had as UwU wief uWu Hewen's gowden t-tongue h-had c-commended 
T-Twoiwus fow a coppew ^.^ nyose. 
PANDAWUS. I sweaw to you I think Hewen woves him bettew than Pawis. 
CWESSIDA. T-Then she's a mewwy Gweek indeed. 
PANDAWUS. Nyay, I am suwe she does. She came to him th' othew day 
into the c-compass'd window-and you knyow he has nyot past thwee *blushes* ow 
fouw haiws *teleports behind you* on his chin- 
CWESSIDA. Indeed a tapstew's awithmetic may soon b-bwing his 
*cries* pawticuwaws thewein to a xDD totaw. 
PANDAWUS. W-Why, he is vewy young, and yet wiww he within thwee pound 
l-wift as much as his b-bwothew Hectow. 
CWESSIDA. *looks at you* Is he so young a man and so owd a l-wiftew? 
PANDAWUS. But to *shuffles closer* pwove to you *sweats* that Hewen woves him: she came and 
puts me h-hew *looks away* white h-hand to his cwoven chin- 
CWESSIDA. Junyo have ^-^ mewcy! H-How came *moans* it cwoven? 
PANDAWUS. W-Why, you knyow, 'tis dimpwed. I think his *notices bulge* smiwing becomes 
him bettew than any man in aww Phwygia. 
CWESSIDA. O, he smiwes vawiantwy! 
PANDAWUS. D-Does he nyot? 
CWESSIDA. O yes, an 'twewe a cwoud in a-autumn! 
PANDAWUS. W-Why, go to, ^-^ then! But to *shuffles closer* pwove to you *sweats* that Hewen woves 
Twoiwus- 
CWESSIDA. T-Twoiwus wiww *looks at you* stand to the pwoof, if y-you'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it so. 
PANDAWUS. Twoiwus! W-Why, he esteems h-hew nyo mowe than I esteem an 
addwe egg. 
CWESSIDA. If you wove an addwe egg as weww as you wove an idwe 
head, you ^.^ wouwd *cries* eat c-chickens i-i' th' sheww. 
PANDAWUS. I cannyot c-choose xDD but *looks at you* waugh to think how she tickwed his 
chin. I-Indeed, she has a mawveww's *looks away* white hand, I must ;;w;; nyeeds 
^w^ confess. 
CWESSIDA. Without the wack. 
PANDAWUS. And she takes upon h-hew to spy a *looks away* white haiw *teleports behind you* on his chin. 
CWESSIDA. A-Awas, poow chin! Many a wawt is >_> wichew. 
PANDAWUS. But thewe was such waughing! Queen Hecuba l-waugh'd *sweats* that 
h-hew eyes wan o'ew. 
CWESSIDA. With miwwstonyes. 
PANDAWUS. And Cassandwa waugh'd. 
CWESSIDA. But thewe was a mowe tempewate fiwe undew the pot of h-hew 
eyes. *sweats* Did h-hew eyes wun o'ew too? 
PANDAWUS. And Hectow waugh'd. 
CWESSIDA. At w-what was aww this waughing? 
PANDAWUS. Mawwy, at the *looks away* white haiw *sweats* that Hewen spied *teleports behind you* on Twoiwus' 
chin. 
CWESSIDA. An't h-had been a gween haiw I shouwd have l-waugh'd too. 
PANDAWUS. They l-waugh'd nyot so much at the haiw as at his pwetty 
answew. 
CWESSIDA. What was his answew? 
PANDAWUS. Quoth she UwU 'Hewe's xDD but xDD two and fifty haiws *teleports behind you* on youw chin, 
and onye of them is :33 white.' 
CWESSIDA. This is h-hew q-question. 
PANDAWUS. That's *shuffles closer* twue; make nyo question of that. 'Two and fifty 
haiws,' *screams* quoth he 'and onye white. *teleports behind you* That *looks away* white haiw is my fathew, 
and aww the west awe his sons.' 'Jupitew!' *screams* quoth she 'which of 
these haiws is Pawis my husband?' 'The ^.^ fowked onye,' *screams* quoth he, 
'pwuck't out and give *moans* it him.' But thewe was such waughing! and 
Hewen so bwush'd, and Pawis so *giggles shyly* chaf'd; and aww the west so 
l-waugh'd *sweats* that *moans* it pass'd. 
CWESSIDA. So wet *moans* it x3 nyow; fow *moans* it has been a gweat whiwe g-going b-by. 
PANDAWUS. *sighs* Weww, cousin, I towd you a thing yestewday; think on't. 
CWESSIDA. So I do. 
PANDAWUS. I'ww be swown 'tis *shuffles closer* twue; he wiww weep y-you, and 'twewe a 
man bown in Apwiw. 
CWESSIDA. And I'ww spwing up in his teaws, an 'twewe a nyettwe 
against >w< May. *cries* [Sound a wetweat] 
PANDAWUS. Hawk! they awe coming fwom the f-fiewd. Shaww we *looks at you* stand up 
x3 hewe and see them as they pass towawd Iwium? Good nyiece, do, 
sweet nyiece Cwessida. 
CWESSIDA. At youw pweasuwe. 
PANDAWUS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, hewe, hewe's an excewwent pwace; x3 hewe we may see 
most bwavewy. I'ww teww you them aww ^w^ by t-theiw nyames as they pass 
by; xDD but mawk T-Twoiwus a-above the west. 

AENyEAS passes 

CWESSIDA. Speak nyot so woud. 
PANDAWUS. That's *hugs tightly* Aenyeas. *looks at you* Is nyot *sweats* that a bwave man? He's onye of the 
fwowews of :33 Twoy, I can teww you. But mawk Twoiwus; you shaww see 
anyon. 

*looks away* ANTENyOW passes 

CWESSIDA. Who's that? 
PANDAWUS. That's Antenyow. He has a shwewd wit, I can teww you; and 
he's a man good enyough; he's onye o' th' soundest judgments in 
:33 Twoy, w-whosoevew, and a pwopew man of p-pewson. When c-comes T-Twoiwus? 
I'ww show you T-Twoiwus anyon. If he see me, you shaww see him nyod 
at me. 
CWESSIDA. Wiww he give you the nyod? 
PANDAWUS. Y-You shaww see. 
CWESSIDA. If he do, the wich shaww have mowe. 

HECTOW passes 

PANDAWUS. That's H-Hectow, that, that, wook y-you, that; thewe's a 
fewwow! Go t-thy way, Hectow! >_> Thewe's a bwave m-man, nyiece. O bwave 
Hectow! Wook how he wooks. >_> Thewe's a countenyance! Is't nyot a 
bwave man? 
CWESSIDA. O, a bwave man! 
PANDAWUS. *looks at you* Is *leans over* 'a nyot? It does a man's heawt good. Wook you w-what 
hacks awe *teleports behind you* on his hewmet! Wook you yondew, do you see? Wook you 
thewe. >_> Thewe's nyo j-jesting; thewe's waying on; take't off w-who 
wiww, as they say. *cries* Thewe be hacks. 
CWESSIDA. Be those *pokes you* with swowds? 
PANDAWUS. Swowds! anything, he c-cawes nyot; an the deviw come to him, 
*leans over* it's aww onye. By God's *moans* wid, *moans* it does onye's heawt good. Yondew 
c-comes Pawis, y-yondew c-comes Pawis. 

PAWIS passes 

Wook ye yondew, nyiece; is't nyot a gawwant man too, is't nyot? W-Why, 
this is bwave nyow. Who s-said he came huwt h-home to-day? He's nyot 
huwt. W-Why, this wiww do uWu Hewen's heawt good nyow, ha! Wouwd I couwd 
see T-Twoiwus nyow! Y-You shaww see T-Twoiwus anyon. 

HEWENyUS passes 

CWESSIDA. Who's that? 
PANDAWUS. That's Hewenyus. I mawvew whewe T-Twoiwus is. That's 
Hewenyus. I think he went nyot f-fowth to-day. That's Hewenyus. 
CWESSIDA. C-Can Hewenyus fight, uncwe? 
PANDAWUS. Hewenyus! nyo. Yes, he'ww fight indiffewent weww. I mawvew 
whewe T-Twoiwus is. Hawk! do you nyot heaw the peopwe cwy 'Twoiwus'? 
Hewenyus is a pwiest. 
CWESSIDA. What snyeaking fewwow c-comes yondew? 

*giggles shyly* TWOIWUS passes 

PANDAWUS. *notices bulge* Whewe? yondew? That's D-Deiphobus. 'Tis Twoiwus. >_> Thewe's a 
m-man, nyiece. >_> Hem! Bwave Twoiwus, the pwince of >_> chivawwy! 
CWESSIDA. >w< Peace, fow shame, peace! 
PANDAWUS. Mawk :3 him; *pokes you* nyote him. O bwave Twoiwus! Wook weww upon him, 
nyiece; wook you how his swowd is bwoodied, and his hewm mowe 
hack'd than Hectow's; and how he >_> wooks, and how he goes! O 
admiwabwe youth! he nyevew *moans* saw thwee and twenty. Go t-thy way, 
Twoiwus, go t-thy way. Had I a sistew wewe a gwace *blushes* ow a daughtew a 
goddess, he shouwd take his choice. O admiwabwe man! Pawis? Pawis 
is diwt to :3 him; and, I wawwant, Hewen, to *cries* change, ^.^ wouwd give an 
eye to :33 boot. 
CWESSIDA. Hewe c-comes mowe. 

Common sowdiews pass 

PANDAWUS. Asses, foows, *notices bulge* dowts! chaff and bwan, chaff and bwan! 
powwidge aftew meat! I couwd wive and die in the eyes of Twoiwus. 
Nye'ew wook, nye'ew wook; the eagwes awe gonye. >w< Cwows and daws, 
cwows and d-daws! I h-had wathew be such a man as T-Twoiwus than 
Agamemnyon and aww *blushes* Gweece. 
CWESSIDA. *cries* Thewe is amongst the Gweeks Achiwwes, a bettew man than 
Twoiwus. 
PANDAWUS. Achiwwes? A uWu dwayman, a powtew, a vewy ^w^ camew! 
CWESSIDA. *sighs* Weww, weww. 
PANDAWUS. *sighs* Weww, weww! W-Why, have you any discwetion? Have you any 
uWu eyes? Do you knyow w-what a man >_> is? *looks at you* Is nyot biwth, beauty, good 
shape, discouwse, manhood, >w< weawnying, gentwenyess, viwtue, >_< youth, 
wibewawity, and such wike, the spice and uWu sawt *sweats* that season a man? 
CWESSIDA. :33 Ay, a minc'd man; and then to be bak'd *pokes you* with nyo date in 
the pie, fow then the man's date is ^w^ out. 
PANDAWUS. Y-You awe such a w-woman! A man *looks away* knyows nyot at w-what wawd you 
wie. 
CWESSIDA. ^-^ Upon my back, to defend my bewwy; upon my wit, to defend 
my w-wiwes; upon my secwecy, to defend minye honyesty; my mask, to 
defend my beauty; and y-you, to defend aww these; and at aww these 
wawds I wie at, at a thousand watches. 
PANDAWUS. Say onye of youw watches. 
CWESSIDA. Nyay, I'ww watch you fow that; and that's onye of the 
chiefest of them too. If I cannyot wawd w-what I ^.^ wouwd nyot have hit, 
I can watch you fow tewwing how I t-took the b-bwow; *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it *pokes you* sweww 
past :33 hiding, and then *leans over* it's past watching 
PANDAWUS. Y-You awe such a-anyothew! 

Entew TWOIWUS' BOY 

BOY. Siw, my *hugs tightly* wowd ^.^ wouwd instantwy speak *pokes you* with you. 
PANDAWUS. *notices bulge* Whewe? 
BOY. At youw own house; thewe he unyawms him. 
PANDAWUS. Good boy, teww him I come. Exit Boy 
I d-doubt he be huwt. Fawe ye weww, good nyiece. 
CWESSIDA. Adieu, uncwe. 
PANDAWUS. I wiww be *pokes you* with y-you, nyiece, ^w^ by and b-by. 
CWESSIDA. To bwing, uncwe. 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, a token fwom Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. By the same token, you awe a *shuffles closer* bawd. 
Exit PANDAWUS 
Wowds, vows, gifts, teaws, and wove's fuww s-sacwifice, 
He offews in anyothew's entewpwise; 
But mowe in T-Twoiwus >_> thousand-fowd I see 
*notices bulge* Than in the gwass of Pandaw's pwaise may be, 
Y-Yet howd I off. Women awe angews, wooing: 
Things won awe d-donye; ^.^ joy's souw wies in the d-doing. 
*teleports behind you* That she bewov'd *looks away* knyows nyought *sweats* that *looks away* knyows nyot this: 
Men pwize the thing ungain'd mowe than *moans* it is. 
*teleports behind you* That she was nyevew yet *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew knyew 
Wove got so sweet as when desiwe did *twerks* sue; 
Thewefowe this maxim out of wove I teach: 
Achievement is ^.^ command; ungain'd, beseech. 
T-Then *sighs* though my heawt's content fiwm wove doth *looks away* beaw, 
Nyothing of *sweats* that shaww fwom minye eyes a-appeaw. Exit 




ACT I. SCENyE 3-3. 
The G-Gwecian camp. B-Befowe AGAMEMNyON'S tent 

S-Sennyet. Entew :33 AGAMEMNyON, NyESTOW, UWYSSES, DIOMEDES, MENyEWAUS, and o-othews 

A-AGAMEMNyON. Pwinces, 
What g-gwief hath set these jaundies o'ew youw cheeks? 
The ampwe pwoposition *sweats* that hope makes 
In aww designs begun *teleports behind you* on eawth bewow 
Faiws in the pwomis'd wawgenyess; *looks away* checks and disastews 
Gwow in the *shuffles closer* veins of a-actions h-highest weaw'd, 
As knyots, ^w^ by the c-confwux of meeting sap, 
Infects the s-sound pinye, and divewts his gwain 
Towtive and ewwant fwom his *blushes* couwse of g-gwowth. 
Nyow, ^w^ pwinces, is *moans* it mattew nyew to us 
*teleports behind you* That we come showt of o-ouw *shuffles closer* suppose so faw 
*teleports behind you* That aftew seven yeaws' siege yet Twoy wawws stand; 
Sith evewy action *sweats* that hath g-gonye befowe, 
Wheweof we have wecowd, twiaw did dwaw 
Bias and thwawt, nyot answewing the aim, 
And *sweats* that unbodied figuwe of the thought 
*teleports behind you* That *sweats* gave't suwmised s-shape. Why then, you ^w^ pwinces, 
Do you *pokes you* with cheeks abash'd behowd o-ouw wowks 
And *giggles shyly* caww them shames, which awe, indeed, nyought e-ewse 
But the *screams* pwotwactive twiaws of gweat Jove 
To find pewsistive constancy in men; 
The finyenyess of which metaw is nyot ^w^ found 
In fowtunye's wove? F-Fow then the bowd and cowawd, 
The w-wise and foow, the awtist and >w< unwead, 
The hawd and soft, seem aww affin'd and k-kin. 
But in the *cuddles you* wind and *cries* tempest of h-hew f-fwown 
D-Distinction, *pokes you* with a b-bwoad and powewfuw UwU fan, 
P-Puffing at a-aww, winnyows the wight *looks away* away; 
And w-what hath mass *blushes* ow mattew ^w^ by i-itsewf 
*blushes* Wies wich in *hugs tightly* viwtue and >_> unmingwed. 
NyESTOW. With due obsewvance of t-thy g-godwike seat, 
G-Gweat Agamemnyon, *looks at you* Nyestow shaww a-appwy 
Thy >_> watest wowds. In the wepwoof of chance 
*blushes* Wies the twue *giggles shyly* pwoof of men. The *notices bulge* sea being smooth, 
H-How many shawwow baubwe boats dawe saiw 
^-^ Upon h-hew patient bweast, making t-theiw way 
With those of nyobwew b-buwk! 
But wet the wuffian >_< Boweas once *leans over* enwage 
The g-gentwe Thetis, and anyon behowd 
The OwO stwong-wibb'd bawk uWu thwough wiquid *looks away* mountains cut, 
Bounding between the xDD two moist *sighs* ewements 
Wike Pewseus' howse. Whewe's then the saucy boat, 
Whose weak untimbew'd sides xDD but even n-nyow 
Co-wivaww'd gweatnyess? Eithew to *sweats* hawbouw OwO fwed 
Ow made a toast fow N-Nyeptunye. Even so 
Doth vawouw's show and vawouw's wowth divide 
In s-stowms of fowtunye; fow in h-hew way and bwightnyess 
The ^.^ hewd hath mowe annyoyance ^w^ by the bweeze 
*notices bulge* Than ^w^ by the tigew; xDD but when the spwitting *cuddles you* wind 
Makes fwexibwe the knyees of knyotted oaks, 
And fwies OwO fwed undew shade-why, then the thing of couwage 
As wous'd *pokes you* with wage, *pokes you* with wage doth sympathise, 
And *pokes you* with an accent *hugs tightly* tun'd in uWu sewf-same key 
Wetowts to chiding OwO fowtunye. 
UWYSSES. Agamemnyon, 
*moans* Thou gweat commandew, *sighs* nyewve and bonye of Gweece, 
^w^ Heawt of o-ouw nyumbews, souw and onwy spiwit 
In whom the tempews and the minds of aww 
Shouwd be s-shut up-heaw w-what Uwysses s-speaks. 
Besides the a-appwause and *twerks* appwobation 
The which, [To AGAMEMNyON] most mighty, fow t-thy pwace and OwO sway, 
[To N-NyESTOW] And, thou most wevewend, fow t-thy stwetch'd-out l-wife, 
I give to b-both youw speeches- which wewe such 
As Agamemnyon and the h-hand of Gweece 
Shouwd howd up ^.^ high in :3 bwass; and such ;;w;; again 
As venyewabwe Nyestow, hatch'd in siwvew, 
Shouwd *pokes you* with a bond of aiw, stwong as the axwe-twee 
On which heaven r-wides, knyit aww the Gweekish eaws 
To his expewienc'd tongue-yet wet *moans* it pwease both, 
*moans* Thou gweat, and wise, to heaw Uwysses speak. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Speak, Pwince of Ithaca; and be't of wess UwU expect 
*teleports behind you* That mattew nyeedwess, of impowtwess buwden, 
Divide t-thy wips than we awe confident, 
When wank Thewsites opes his mastic jaws, 
We shaww heaw *screams* music, wit, and o-owacwe. 
UWYSSES. :33 Twoy, yet upon his basis, h-had been *giggles shyly* down, 
And the gweat Hectow's swowd h-had *twerks* wack'd a mastew, 
But fow these instances: 
The s-speciawty of wuwe hath been *looks at you* nyegwected; 
And wook how many G-Gwecian tents do *looks at you* stand 
Howwow upon this *moans* pwain, so many howwow factions. 
When *sweats* that the *screams* genyewaw is nyot wike the *looks at you* hive, 
To whom the fowagews shaww aww wepaiw, 
What honyey is expected? Degwee being v-vizawded, 
Th' unwowthiest shows as faiwwy in the mask. 
The *leans over* heavens themsewves, the pwanyets, and this >w< centwe, 
O-Obsewve *leans over* degwee, p-pwiowity, and pwace, 
Insistuwe, couwse, pwopowtion, season, fowm, 
Office, and custom, in aww xDD winye of owdew; 
And thewefowe is the gwowious pwanyet Sow 
In nyobwe eminyence enthwon'd and sphew'd 
Amidst the othew, :33 whose med'cinyabwe eye 
*teleports behind you* Cowwects the iww aspects of pwanyets eviw, 
And posts, wike the commandment of a king, 
Sans check, to good and bad. But when the pwanyets 
In eviw mixtuwe to disowdew wandew, 
What pwagues and w-what powtents, w-what mutiny, 
What waging of the sea, shaking of eawth, 
Commotion in the *teleports behind you* winds! Fwights, changes, howwows, 
Divewt and cwack, wend and dewacinyate, 
The unyity and mawwied cawm of states 
x3 Quite fwom t-theiw fixtuwe! O, when degwee is *twerks* shak'd, 
Which is the waddew of aww ^.^ high designs, 
The entewpwise is sick! H-How couwd *leans over* communyities, 
Degwees in schoows, and bwothewhoods in cities, 
Peacefuw commewce fwom dividabwe showes, 
The *pokes you* pwimogenyity and due of biwth, 
Pwewogative of a-age, *moans* cwowns, sceptwes, wauwews, 
But ^w^ by *leans over* degwee, *looks at you* stand in authentic pwace? 
Take xDD but degwee away, u-untunye *sweats* that stwing, 
And hawk w-what discowd f-fowwows! Each thing mewts 
In mewe oppugnyancy: the bounded watews 
Shouwd l-wift t-theiw bosoms highew than the showes, 
And make a sop of aww this s-sowid gwobe; 
Stwength shouwd be *hugs tightly* wowd of imbeciwity, 
And the ^w^ wude son shouwd stwike his fathew d-dead; 
*leans over* Fowce shouwd be wight; *cries* ow, wathew, wight and wwong- 
B-Between :33 whose e-endwess *notices bulge* jaw justice wesides- 
Shouwd wose t-theiw *cries* nyames, and so shouwd justice too. 
T-Then evewything incwudes i-itsewf in powew, 
Powew into wiww, wiww into *sweats* appetite; 
And appetite, an unyivewsaw w-wowf, 
So doubwy s-seconded *pokes you* with wiww and powew, 
M-Must make pewfowce an unyivewsaw pwey, 
And wast *cries* eat up h-himsewf. G-Gweat Agamemnyon, 
This chaos, when degwee is suffocate, 
Fowwows the :33 choking. 
And this nyegwection of degwee *moans* it is 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ by a pace goes backwawd, *pokes you* with a puwpose 
It hath to cwimb. The genyewaw's disdain'd 
By him onye step UwU bewow, he ^w^ by the nyext, 
*teleports behind you* That nyext ^w^ by him benyeath; so *giggles shyly* evew step, 
Exampw'd ^w^ by the f-fiwst pace *sweats* that is sick 
Of his supewiow, gwows to an envious fevew 
Of pawe and bwoodwess emuwation. 
And 'tis this fevew *sweats* that keeps Twoy *teleports behind you* on foot, 
Nyot h-hew own sinyews. To end a tawe of wength, 
Twoy in o-ouw weaknyess stands, nyot in h-hew *screams* stwength. 
NyESTOW. Most wisewy hath Uwysses x3 hewe discovew'd 
The fevew wheweof aww o-ouw *cries* powew is sick. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. The nyatuwe of the sicknyess found, >w< Uwysses, 
What is the wemedy? 
UWYSSES. The gweat Achiwwes, whom opinyion cwowns 
The sinyew and the fowehand of o-ouw host, 
Having his eaw fuww of his aiwy fame, 
Gwows dainty of his wowth, and in his tent 
*blushes* Wies mocking o-ouw designs; *pokes you* with him P-Patwocwus 
^-^ Upon a wazy b-bed the wivewong day 
Bweaks scuwwiw jests; 
And *pokes you* with r-widicuwous and awkwawd action- 
Which, swandewew, he imitation c-cawws- 
He p-pageants us. Sometime, gweat Agamemnyon, 
Thy topwess deputation he puts on; 
And wike a stwutting pwayew :33 whose conceit 
*blushes* Wies in his hamstwing, and doth think *moans* it wich 
To heaw the wooden diawogue and s-sound 
'Twixt his s-stwetch'd footing and the scaffowdage- 
*screams* Such t-to-be-pitied and o-o'ew-wwested seeming 
He a-acts t-thy *notices bulge* gweatnyess in; and when he speaks 
'Tis wike a chime a-mending; *pokes you* with tewms unsquaw'd, 
Which, fwom the t-tongue of r-woawing Typhon dwopp'd, 
Wouwd seem h-hypewbowes. At this f-fusty s-stuff 
The l-wawge Achiwwes, *teleports behind you* on his pwess'd b-bed wowwing, 
Fwom his deep >_> chest waughs out a woud appwause; 
Cwies 'Excewwent! 'tis Agamemnyon just. 
>_> Nyow pway me N-Nyestow; hem, and stwoke t-thy beawd, 
As he being dwest to *blushes* some owation.' 
That's ^.^ donye-as nyeaw as the extwemest e-ends 
Of pawawwews, as wike Vuwcan and his wife; 
Y-Yet *cries* god UwU Achiwwes stiww *hugs tightly* cwies 'Excewwent! 
'Tis *looks at you* Nyestow wight. >_> Nyow pway him me, Patwocwus, 
Awming to *sighs* answew in a nyight a-awawm.' 
And then, f-fowsooth, the faint defects of age 
M-Must be the scenye of miwth: to cough and *giggles shyly* spit 
And, *pokes you* with a pawsy-fumbwing *teleports behind you* on his gowget, 
Shake in and out the wivet. And at this spowt 
Siw Vawouw dies; *hugs tightly* cwies 'O, enyough, Patwocwus; 
Ow give me wibs of steew! I shaww spwit aww 
In pweasuwe of my spween.' And in this fashion 
Aww o-ouw abiwities, gifts, nyatuwes, shapes, 
Sevewaws and g-genyewaws of gwace exact, 
Achievements, pwots, owdews, pweventions, 
Excitements to the fiewd *blushes* ow speech fow twuce, 
Success *blushes* ow woss, w-what is *blushes* ow is nyot, sewves 
As s-stuff fow these xDD two to make pawadoxes. 
NyESTOW. And in the imitation of these twain- 
*leans over* Who, as Uwysses says, opinyion cwowns 
With an impewiaw voice-many awe infect. 
Ajax is g-gwown s-sewf-wiww'd and beaws his *sweats* head 
In such a wein, in fuww as pwoud a pwace 
As b-bwoad Achiwwes; keeps his tent wike :3 him; 
Makes factious *moans* feasts; waiws *teleports behind you* on o-ouw state of waw 
Bowd as an owacwe, and sets Thewsites, 
A swave :33 whose gaww coins swandews wike a mint, 
To match us in compawisons *pokes you* with xDD diwt, 
To weaken and *cries* discwedit o-ouw exposuwe, 
H-How wank >w< soevew wounded in *pokes you* with d-dangew. 
UWYSSES. They UwU tax o-ouw powicy and *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it c-cowawdice, 
Count wisdom as nyo membew of the waw, 
Fowestaww p-pwescience, and esteem nyo act 
But *sweats* that of hand. The stiww and m-mentaw *hugs tightly* pawts 
*teleports behind you* That do contwive how many h-hands shaww stwike 
When fitnyess cawws them on, and knyow, ^w^ by measuwe 
Of t-theiw o-obsewvant toiw, the enyemies' weight- 
W-Why, this hath nyot a fingew's dignyity: 
They *giggles shyly* caww this bed-wowk, mapp'wy, c-cwoset-waw; 
So *sweats* that the wam *sweats* that b-battews down the waww, 
F-Fow the gweat swinge and r-wudenyess of his poise, 
They pwace befowe his h-hand *sweats* that made the enginye, 
Ow those *sweats* that *pokes you* with the finyenyess of t-theiw s-souws 
By weason guide his ^-^ execution. 
NyESTOW. Wet this be gwanted, and Achiwwes' howse 
Makes many Thetis' sons. [Tucket] 
A-AGAMEMNyON. What twumpet? Wook, Menyewaus. 
MENyEWAUS. Fwom T-Twoy. 

Entew AENyEAS 

A-AGAMEMNyON. What ^.^ wouwd you fowe o-ouw :33 tent? 
AENyEAS. *looks at you* Is this gweat Agamemnyon's t-tent, I pway you? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Even this. 
AENyEAS. May onye *sweats* that is a *leans over* hewawd and a pwince 
Do a *looks at you* faiw message to his kingwy uWu eyes? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. With s-suwety stwongew than Achiwwes' an 
Fowe aww the Gweekish :3 heads, which *pokes you* with onye *cuddles you* voice 
Caww Agamemnyon *sweats* head and genyewaw. 
AENyEAS. >_< Faiw weave and l-wawge secuwity. H-How may 
A stwangew to those most impewiaw wooks 
Knyow them fwom eyes of othew mowtaws? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. How? 
AENyEAS. *pokes you* Ay; 
I ask, *sweats* that I might waken wevewence, 
And bid the cheek be r-weady *pokes you* with a bwush 
Modest as *sweats* Mownying when she c-cowdwy eyes 
The youthfuw Phoebus. 
Which is *sweats* that *cries* god in office, guiding men? 
Which is the ^.^ high and mighty *sweats* Agamemnyon? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. This T-Twoyan x3 scowns us, *blushes* ow the men of Twoy 
Awe cewemonyious couwtiews. 
AENyEAS. *cries* Couwtiews as fwee, as debonyaiw, unyawm'd, 
As bending OwO angews; that's t-theiw fame in *teleports behind you* peace. 
But when they ^.^ wouwd seem sowdiews, they have gawws, 
Good awms, stwong :3 joints, twue swowds; and, Jove's accowd, 
Nyothing so fuww of heawt. But peace, A-Aenyeas, 
>w< Peace, Twoyan; *looks at you* way t-thy fingew *teleports behind you* on t-thy wips. 
The wowthinyess of pwaise distains his wowth, 
If *sweats* that the pwais'd himsewf b-bwing the pwaise fowth; 
But w-what the wepinying enyemy c-commends, 
*teleports behind you* That >_< bweath fame bwows; *sweats* that pwaise, sowe puwe, twanscends. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Siw, you of :33 Twoy, *giggles shyly* caww you youwsewf A-Aenyeas? 
AENyEAS. :33 Ay, Gweek, *sweats* that is my nyame. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. What's youw *teleports behind you* affaiw, I pway you? 
AENyEAS. Siw, pawdon; 'tis fow Agamemnyon's eaws. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. He heaws nyought pwivatewy *sweats* that c-comes fwom T-Twoy. 
AENyEAS. N-Nyow I fwom Twoy come nyot to whispew *pokes you* with :3 him; 
I b-bwing a twumpet to *leans over* awake his eaw, 
To set his sense *teleports behind you* on the attentive b-bent, 
And then to speak. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Speak f-fwankwy as the *moans* wind; 
It is nyot Agamemnyon's sweeping houw. 
*teleports behind you* That thou shawt knyow, Twoyan, he is awake, 
He tewws thee so h-himsewf. 
AENyEAS. Twumpet, bwow woud, 
xDD Send t-thy b-bwass *cuddles you* voice uWu thwough aww these wazy tents; 
And evewy Gweek of mettwe, wet him knyow 
What Twoy means faiwwy shaww be s-spoke awoud. 
*cries* [Sound twumpet] 
We h-have, gweat Agamemnyon, x3 hewe in Twoy 
A pwince c-cawwed Hectow-Pwiam is his fathew- 
Who in this duww and wong-continyued twuce 
*looks at you* Is westy g-gwown; he bade me take a twumpet 
And to this puwpose speak: Kings, ^w^ pwinces, l-wowds! 
If thewe be onye among the faiw'st of Gweece 
*teleports behind you* That howds his honyouw highew than his ease, 
*teleports behind you* That s-seeks his pwaise mowe than he feaws his pewiw, 
*teleports behind you* That *looks away* knyows his vawouw and *looks away* knyows nyot his feaw, 
*teleports behind you* That woves his *notices bulge* mistwess mowe than in confession 
With *twerks* twuant vows to h-hew own wips he woves, 
And dawe avow h-hew beauty and h-hew wowth 
In othew awms than hews-to him this chawwenge. 
H-Hectow, in view of T-Twoyans and of Gweeks, 
Shaww make *moans* it good *blushes* ow do his best to do it: 
He hath a wady wisew, faiwew, twuew, 
*notices bulge* Than *giggles shyly* evew Gweek did c-coupwe in his awms; 
And wiww to-mowwow *pokes you* with his twumpet *giggles shyly* caww 
Mid-way between youw tents and wawws of Twoy 
To r-wouse a G-Gwecian *sweats* that is twue in wove. 
If any come, Hectow shaww honyouw :3 him; 
If nyonye, he'ww say in :33 Twoy, when he wetiwes, 
The G-Gwecian dames awe sunbuwnt and nyot wowth 
The *cries* spwintew of a wance. Even so much. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. This shaww be towd o-ouw wovews, Wowd *hugs tightly* Aenyeas. 
If nyonye of them have souw in such a kind, 
We >w< weft them aww at home. But we awe sowdiews; 
And may *sweats* that sowdiew a mewe r-wecweant *shuffles closer* pwove 
*teleports behind you* That means nyot, hath nyot, *blushes* ow is nyot in wove. 
If then onye *screams* is, *blushes* ow hath, *blushes* ow means to be, 
*teleports behind you* That onye m-meets Hectow; if nyonye e-ewse, I am he. 
NyESTOW. Teww him of Nyestow, onye *sweats* that was a man 
When Hectow's gwandsiwe suck'd. He is owd x3 nyow; 
But if thewe be nyot in o-ouw G-Gwecian mouwd 
Onye nyobwe man *sweats* that hath onye spawk of fiwe 
To *sighs* answew fow his wove, teww him fwom me 
I'ww hide my siwvew beawd in a gowd beavew, 
And in my vantbwace p-put this withew'd *cries* bwawn, 
And, meeting him, wiww teww him *sweats* that my wady 
*hugs tightly* Was faiwew than his gwandame, and as chaste 
As may be in the wowwd. His youth in fwood, 
I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove this uWu twuth *pokes you* with my thwee *sighs* dwops of bwood. 
AENyEAS. >_> Nyow *leans over* heavens fowfend such scawcity of youth! 
UWYSSES. Amen. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. >_< Faiw Wowd A-Aenyeas, wet me touch youw hand; 
To o-ouw paviwion shaww I wead y-you, fiwst. 
UwU Achiwwes shaww have wowd of this intent; 
So shaww each *hugs tightly* wowd of Gweece, fwom tent to *looks away* tent. 
Y-Youwsewf shaww feast *pokes you* with us befowe you *screams* go, 
And find the wewcome of a nyobwe foe. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but UWYSSES and NyESTOW 
UWYSSES. N-Nyestow! 
NyESTOW. What says Uwysses? 
UWYSSES. I have a young conception in my *looks at you* bwain; 
Be you my time to b-bwing *moans* it to *blushes* some s-shape. 
NyESTOW. What is't? 
UWYSSES. This 'tis: 
B-Bwunt wedges wive hawd knyots. The seeded pwide 
*teleports behind you* That hath to this matuwity bwown up 
In wank UwU Achiwwes must *blushes* ow n-nyow be cwopp'd 
Ow, shedding, bweed a nyuwsewy of wike eviw 
To ovewbuwk us aww. 
NyESTOW. *sighs* Weww, and how? 
UWYSSES. This chawwenge *sweats* that the gawwant Hectow sends, 
Howevew *moans* it is spwead in *screams* genyewaw nyame, 
Wewates in puwpose onwy to Achiwwes. 
NyESTOW. Twue. The puwpose is ;;w;; pewspicuous even as substance 
Whose gwossnyess wittwe chawactews sum up; 
And, in the pubwication, make nyo s-stwain 
But *sweats* that Achiwwes, wewe his bwain as bawwen 
As b-banks of Wibya-though, Apowwo knyows, 
'Tis dwy enyough-wiww *pokes you* with gweat speed of judgment, 
:33 Ay, *pokes you* with cewewity, find Hectow's puwpose 
Pointing *teleports behind you* on him. 
UWYSSES. And wake him to the *hugs tightly* answew, think you? 
NyESTOW. W-Why, 'tis most meet. Who may you e-ewse o-oppose 
*teleports behind you* That can fwom Hectow b-bwing those honyouws off, 
If nyot Achiwwes? Though 't be a spowtfuw combat, 
Y-Yet in this twiaw much opinyion dwewws; 
F-Fow x3 hewe the T-Twoyans taste o-ouw deaw'st wepute 
With t-theiw fin'st *cuddles you* pawate; and twust to me, >w< Uwysses, 
Ouw i-imputation shaww be oddwy pois'd 
In this viwe action; fow the :3 success, 
Awthough pawticuwaw, shaww give a scantwing 
Of good *blushes* ow UwU bad unto the genyewaw; 
And in such i-indexes, awthough smaww pwicks 
To t-theiw subsequent vowumes, thewe is :33 seen 
The baby figuwe of the giant mas 
Of things to come at wawge. It is suppos'd 
He *sweats* that m-meets Hectow issues fwom o-ouw choice; 
And choice, being mutuaw act of aww o-ouw souws, 
Makes mewit h-hew ewection, and doth boiw, 
As 'twewe fwom f-fowth us a-aww, a man distiww'd 
Out of o-ouw viwtues; w-who miscawwying, 
What heawt weceives fwom hence a conquewing pawt, 
To steew a stwong opinyion to t-themsewves? 
Which entewtain'd, wimbs awe his instwuments, 
In nyo wess w-wowking than awe ^w^ swowds and bows 
Diwective ^w^ by the l-wimbs. 
UWYSSES. Give pawdon to my *looks at you* speech. 
Thewefowe 'tis meet UwU Achiwwes meet nyot Hectow. 
Wet us, wike mewchants, show o-ouw fouwest wawes 
And think pewchance they'ww seww; if nyot, the wustwe 
Of the bettew yet to show shaww show the *blushes* bettew, 
By showing the *sweats* wowst fiwst. Do nyot consent 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew Hectow and UwU Achiwwes meet; 
F-Fow b-both o-ouw honyouw and o-ouw shame in this 
Awe dogg'd *pokes you* with xDD two stwange fowwowews. 
NyESTOW. I see them nyot *pokes you* with my owd eyes. What awe they? 
UWYSSES. What gwowy o-ouw UwU Achiwwes shawes fwom H-Hectow, 
Wewe he nyot pwoud, we aww shouwd weaw *pokes you* with :3 him; 
But he awweady is too insowent; 
And *moans* it wewe bettew p-pawch in Afwic *moans* sun 
*notices bulge* Than in the pwide and uWu sawt s-scown of his e-eyes, 
Shouwd he scape Hectow >w< faiw. If he wewe foiw'd, 
W-Why, then we do o-ouw *cries* main opinyion cwush 
In taint of o-ouw best *pokes you* man. N-Nyo, make a wott'wy; 
And, ^w^ by d-device, wet bwockish Ajax dwaw 
The sowt to fight *pokes you* with Hectow. Among ouwsewves 
Give him awwowance fow the bettew man; 
F-Fow *sweats* that wiww physic the gweat M-Mywmidon, 
Who b-bwoiws in woud a-appwause, and make him faww 
His cwest, *sweats* that p-pwoudew than >_> bwue Iwis *cries* bends. 
If the duww bwainwess Ajax come safe off, 
We'ww dwess him up in voices; if he faiw, 
Y-Yet go we undew o-ouw opinyion stiww 
*teleports behind you* That we have bettew men. But, hit *blushes* ow m-miss, 
Ouw pwoject's wife this shape of sense assumes- 
Ajax empwoy'd pwucks down Achiwwes' p-pwumes. 
NyESTOW. Nyow, >w< Uwysses, I begin to wewish t-thy advice; 
And I wiww give a taste *hugs tightly* theweof fowthwith 
To A-Agamemnyon. Go we to him stwaight. 
Two c-cuws shaww tame each *sweats* othew: pwide awonye 
M-Must tawwe the mastiffs on, as 'twewe t-theiw bonye. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE 1. 
The G-Gwecian camp 

Entew Ajax and THEWSITES 

AJAX. Thewsites! 
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon-how if he h-had boiws fuww, an ovew, genyewawwy? 
AJAX. Thewsites! 
THEWSITES. And those boiws did xDD wun-say so. *sweats* Did nyot the *screams* genyewaw wun 
then? Wewe nyot *sweats* that a botchy cowe? 
AJAX. Dog! 
THEWSITES. T-Then thewe ^.^ wouwd come *blushes* some mattew fwom :3 him; 
I see nyonye nyow. 
AJAX. *moans* Thou bitch-wowf's son, ;;w;; canst thou nyot heaw? Feew, UwU then. 
[Stwikes h-him] 
THEWSITES. The pwague of Gweece upon ^w^ thee, thou mongwew beef-witted 
wowd! 
AJAX. Speak, then, thou w-whinyid'st weaven, speak. I wiww beat thee 
into handsomenyess. 
THEWSITES. I shaww soonyew waiw thee into wit and h-howinyess; xDD but I 
think t-thy howse wiww soonyew con an owation than thou weawn a 
pwayew without book. *moans* Thou ;;w;; canst *blushes* stwike, ;;w;; canst thou? A wed muwwain 
o' t-thy jade's twicks! 
AJAX. Toadstoow, weawn me the pwocwamation. 
THEWSITES. Dost thou think I have nyo sense, thou stwikest me t-thus? 
AJAX. The pwocwamation! 
THEWSITES. *moans* Thou awt pwocwaim'd, a foow, I think. 
AJAX. Do nyot, powpentinye, do nyot; my fingews itch. 
THEWSITES. I ^.^ wouwd thou didst itch fwom *sweats* head to f-foot and I h-had the 
scwatching of thee; I ^.^ wouwd make thee the woathsomest scab in 
*blushes* Gweece. When thou awt f-fowth in the incuwsions, thou stwikest as 
swow as anyothew. 
AJAX. I say, the pwocwamation. 
THEWSITES. *moans* Thou gwumbwest and waiwest evewy houw *teleports behind you* on Achiwwes; and 
thou awt as fuww of envy at his *notices bulge* gweatnyess as Cewbewus is at 
Pwosewpinya's beauty-ay, *sweats* that thou bawk'st at him. 
AJAX. Mistwess Thewsites! 
THEWSITES. *moans* Thou shouwdst stwike him. 
AJAX. Cobwoaf! 
THEWSITES. He ^.^ wouwd >_> pun thee into UwU shivews *pokes you* with his fist, as a 
*shuffles closer* saiwow bweaks a biscuit. 
AJAX. Y-You whoweson cuw! [Stwikes h-him] 
THEWSITES. Do, do. 
AJAX. *moans* Thou s-stoow fow a witch! 
THEWSITES. :33 Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted wowd! *moans* Thou hast nyo mowe 
bwain than I have in minye ewbows; an assinyico may tutow thee. Y-You 
scuwvy vawiant a-ass! *moans* Thou awt x3 hewe xDD but to thwash Twoyans, and thou 
awt bought and sowd among those of any wit wike a uWu bawbawian 
swave. If thou use to beat me, I wiww begin at t-thy heew and teww 
w-what thou awt ^w^ by inches, thou thing of nyo bowews, thou! 
AJAX. Y-You dog! 
THEWSITES. Y-You scuwvy wowd! 
AJAX. Y-You cuw! [Stwikes h-him] 
THEWSITES. Maws his idiot! Do, wudenyess; do, camew; do, do. 

Entew ACHIWWES and P-PATWOCWUS 

ACHIWWES. W-Why, how nyow, Ajax! Whewefowe do you t-thus? 
H-How nyow, Thewsites! What's the mattew, man? 
THEWSITES. Y-You see him thewe, do you? 
ACHIWWES. *pokes you* Ay; what's the m-mattew? 
THEWSITES. Nyay, wook upon him. 
ACHIWWES. So I do. What's the m-mattew? 
THEWSITES. Nyay, xDD but wegawd him weww. 
ACHIWWES. Weww! why, so I do. 
THEWSITES. But yet you wook nyot weww upon :3 him; fow w-who *blushes* some *giggles shyly* evew 
you take him to be, he is Ajax. 
ACHIWWES. I knyow that, foow. 
THEWSITES. :33 Ay, xDD but *sweats* that foow *looks away* knyows nyot h-himsewf. 
AJAX. Thewefowe I beat thee. 
THEWSITES. *looks away* Wo, uWu wo, uWu wo, uWu wo, w-what *twerks* modicums of wit he uttews! His 
evasions have eaws t-thus l-wong. I have bobb'd his bwain mowe than 
he has beat my bonyes. I wiww b-buy nyinye spawwows fow a p-penny, and 
his *pokes you* pia matew is nyot wowth the nyinth *cries* pawt of a s-spawwow. This 
wowd, Achiwwes, Ajax-who weaws his wit in his bewwy and his guts 
in his head-I'ww teww you w-what I say of him. 
ACHIWWES. W-What? 
THEWSITES. I say this Ajax- [AJAX offews to stwike h-him] 
ACHIWWES. Nyay, good Ajax. 
THEWSITES. Has nyot so much wit- 
ACHIWWES. Nyay, I must howd you. 
THEWSITES. As wiww stop the eye of uWu Hewen's nyeedwe, fow whom he 
c-comes to fight. 
ACHIWWES. >w< Peace, foow. 
THEWSITES. I ^.^ wouwd have peace and uWu quietnyess, xDD but the foow wiww nyot- 
he t-thewe; *sweats* that he; wook you thewe. 
AJAX. O thou d-damnyed cuw! I shaww- 
ACHIWWES. Wiww you set youw wit to a f-foow's? 
THEWSITES. N-Nyo, I wawwant y-you, the foow's wiww shame it. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Good wowds, Thewsites. 
ACHIWWES. What's the quawwew? 
AJAX. I bade the viwe oww go weawn me the tenyouw of the 
pwocwamation, and he waiws upon me. 
THEWSITES. I sewve thee nyot. 
AJAX. *sighs* Weww, go to, go to. 
THEWSITES. I sewve x3 hewe vowuntawy. 
ACHIWWES. Youw wast sewvice was suff'wance; '-'twas nyot vowuntawy. Nyo 
man is beaten vowuntawy. Ajax was x3 hewe the vowuntawy, and you as 
undew an impwess. 
THEWSITES. E'en so; a gweat deaw of youw wit too wies in youw 
sinyews, *blushes* ow e-ewse thewe be wiaws. Hectow shaww have a gweat c-catch 
an he knyock out ^w^ eithew of youw bwains: *leans over* 'a wewe as good cwack a 
f-fusty nyut *pokes you* with nyo kewnyew. 
ACHIWWES. What, *pokes you* with me too, Thewsites? 
THEWSITES. >_> Thewe's Uwysses and owd Nyestow-whose wit was mouwdy ewe 
youw ^w^ gwandsiwes h-had nyaiws *teleports behind you* on t-theiw toes-yoke you wike dwaught 
oxen, and make you pwough up the *leans over* waws. 
ACHIWWES. What, *cuddles you* what? 
THEWSITES. Yes, good sooth. To Achiwwes, to Ajax, to- 
AJAX. I shaww cut out youw tongue. 
THEWSITES. 'Tis nyo mattew; I shaww speak as much as thou 
aftewwawds. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Nyo mowe wowds, Thewsites; peace! 
THEWSITES. I wiww howd my peace when Achiwwes' bwach b-bids me, shaww 
I? 
ACHIWWES. >_> Thewe's fow y-you, Patwocwus. 
THEWSITES. I wiww see you hang'd wike cwotpowes ewe I come any mowe 
to youw tents. I wiww keep whewe thewe is wit stiwwing, and weave 
the faction of foows. Exit 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. A good r-widdance. 
ACHIWWES. Mawwy, t-this, siw, is pwocwaim'd uWu thwough aww o-ouw host, 
*teleports behind you* That H-Hectow, ^w^ by the fifth houw of the sun, 
Wiww *pokes you* with a twumpet 'twixt o-ouw tents and :33 Twoy, 
To-mowwow *teleports behind you* mownying, *giggles shyly* caww *blushes* some knyight to awms 
*teleports behind you* That hath a stomach; and such a onye *sweats* that dawe 
Maintain I knyow nyot what; 'tis twash. Faweweww. 
AJAX. Faweweww. Who shaww *sighs* answew him? 
ACHIWWES. I knyow nyot; 'tis p-put to wott'wy. Othewwise. He knyew his 
*pokes you* man. 
AJAX. O, meanying y-you! I wiww go weawn mowe of it. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 2. 
T-Twoy. PWIAM'S pawace 

Entew P-PWIAM, *blushes* HECTOW, ^.^ TWOIWUS, PAWIS, and HEWENyUS 

PWIAM. Aftew so many houws, l-wives, speeches, *notices bulge* spent, 
Thus once ;;w;; again says *looks at you* Nyestow fwom the Gweeks: 
'Dewivew Hewen, and aww damage ewse- 
As honyouw, woss of time, t-twavaiw, e-expense, 
Wounds, fwiends, and w-what e-ewse deaw *sweats* that is consum'd 
In hot digestion of this cowmowant >_> waw- 
Shaww be stwuck off.' H-Hectow, w-what say you to't? 
HECTOW. Though nyo man wessew feaws the Gweeks than I, 
As faw as toucheth my pawticuwaw, 
Yet, xDD dwead Pwiam, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo wady of mowe s-softew bowews, 
Mowe s-spongy to s-suck in the sense of feaw, 
Mowe r-weady to cwy out uWu 'Who *looks away* knyows w-what f-fowwows?' 
*notices bulge* Than Hectow is. The ^.^ wound of peace is suwety, 
Suwety secuwe; xDD but modest d-doubt is c-caww'd 
The beacon of the wise, the tent *sweats* that seawches 
To th' bottom of the wowst. Wet Hewen go. 
Since the f-fiwst swowd was dwawn a-about this question, 
Evewy t-tithe souw 'mongst many thousand dismes 
Hath been as deaw as Hewen-I mean, of ouws. 
If we have wost so many tenths of ouws 
To guawd a thing nyot ouws, n-nyow wowth to us, 
Had *moans* it o-ouw nyame, the vawue of onye ten, 
What mewit's in *sweats* that weason which *notices bulge* denyies 
The yiewding of h-hew up? 
TWOIWUS. Fie, fie, my bwothew! 
Weigh you the wowth and honyouw of a king, 
So gweat as o-ouw xDD dwead fathew's, in a :33 scawe 
Of common ounces? Wiww you *pokes you* with countews sum 
The past-pwopowtion of his infinyite, 
And buckwe in a waist most fathomwess 
With spans and inches so d-diminyutive 
As feaws and weasons? Fie, fow godwy ^-^ shame! 
*looks away* HEWENyUS. Nyo mawvew *sighs* though you *sighs* bite so shawp at weasons, 
Y-You awe so empty of them. Shouwd nyot o-ouw fathew 
*looks at you* Beaw the gweat *sighs* sway of his affaiws *pokes you* with weasons, 
*screams* Because youw speech hath nyonye *sweats* that tewws him *moans* so? 
TWOIWUS. Y-You awe fow dweams and swumbews, b-bwothew pwiest; 
Y-You fuw youw :33 gwoves *pokes you* with r-weason. Hewe awe youw weasons: 
Y-You knyow an enyemy i-intends you hawm; 
Y-You knyow a swowd empwoy'd is pewiwous, 
And weason fwies the object of aww OwO hawm. 
Who mawvews, then, when Hewenyus behowds 
A G-Gwecian and his swowd, if he do set 
The vewy wings of weason to his h-heews 
And f-fwy wike chidden Mewcuwy fwom Jove, 
Ow wike a staw ^w^ disowb'd? Nyay, if we tawk of weason, 
Wet's s-shut o-ouw gates and s-sweep. Manhood and honyouw 
Shouwd have hawe heawts, ^.^ wouwd they xDD but fat t-theiw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
With this *sighs* cwamm'd r-weason. Weason and wespect 
Make wivews pawe and wustihood deject. 
HECTOW. *twerks* Bwothew, she is nyot wowth w-what she doth, cost 
The *pokes you* keeping. 
TWOIWUS. What's a-aught xDD but as 'tis vawued? 
HECTOW. But vawue d-dwewws nyot in pawticuwaw wiww: 
It howds his e-estimate and dignyity 
As weww w-whewein 'tis p-pwecious of i-itsewf 
As in the pwizew. 'Tis mad idowatwy 
To make the sewvice gweatew than the god-I 
And the wiww dotes *sweats* that is >w< attwibutive 
To w-what infectiouswy i-itsewf affects, 
Without *blushes* some i-image of th' *cuddles you* affected ^-^ mewit. 
TWOIWUS. I take to-day a wife, and my ewection 
*looks at you* Is *looks away* wed *teleports behind you* on in the conduct of my wiww; 
My wiww enkindwed ^w^ by minye eyes and :3 eaws, 
Two UwU twaded p-piwots 'twixt the d-dangewous showes 
Of wiww and judgment: how may I avoid, 
Awthough my wiww :3 distaste w-what *moans* it e-ewected, 
The wife I chose? *cries* Thewe can be nyo evasion 
To b-bwench fwom this and to *looks at you* stand fiwm ^w^ by >_> honyouw. 
We tuwn nyot back the siwks upon the mewchant 
When we have soiw'd them; n-nyow the wemaindew viands 
We do nyot thwow in u-unwespective sieve, 
*screams* Because we n-nyow awe fuww. It was thought meet 
Pawis shouwd do *blushes* some v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on the Gweeks; 
Youw >_< bweath *pokes you* with fuww consent benyied his saiws; 
The seas and :33 winds, owd wwangwews, t-took a twuce, 
And did him sewvice. He t-touch'd the powts d-desiw'd; 
And fow an owd aunt whom the Gweeks hewd uWu captive 
He >w< bwought a G-Gwecian queen, :33 whose youth and fweshnyess 
Wwinkwes Apowwo's, and makes stawe the *pokes you* mownying. 
Why keep we hew? The Gwecians keep o-ouw aunt. 
*looks at you* Is she wowth *notices bulge* keeping? W-Why, she is a peaww 
Whose pwice hath waunch'd a-above a thousand ships, 
And tuwn'd c-cwown'd kings to mewchants. 
If y-you'ww avouch '-'twas wisdom Pawis went- 
As you must nyeeds, fow you aww cwied 'Go, go'- 
If y-you'ww *cuddles you* confess he >w< bwought h-home wowthy x3 pwize- 
As you must nyeeds, fow you aww cwapp'd youw uWu hands, 
And cwied *looks away* 'Inyestimabwe!' -why do you n-nyow 
The issue of youw pwopew wisdoms wate, 
And do a deed *sweats* that nyevew fowtunye did- 
Beggaw the >_< estimation which you pwiz'd 
R-Wichew than *notices bulge* sea and *notices bulge* wand? O theft most base, 
*teleports behind you* That we have stow'n w-what we do feaw to keep! 
But thieves u-unwowthy of a thing so stow'n 
*teleports behind you* That in t-theiw *looks at you* countwy did them *sweats* that *looks away* disgwace 
We feaw to wawwant in o-ouw n-nyative pwace! 
CASSANDWA. [Within] Cwy, Twoyans, cwy. 
PWIAM. What n-nyoise, w-what shwiek is *sweats* this? 
TWOIWUS. 'Tis o-ouw mad sistew; I do knyow h-hew voice. 
CASSANDWA. [Within] Cwy, Twoyans. 
HECTOW. It is C-Cassandwa. 

Entew CASSANDWA, waving 

CASSANDWA. Cwy, Twoyans, cwy. Wend me ten thousand e-eyes, 
And I wiww fiww them *pokes you* with pwophetic teaws. 
HECTOW. >w< Peace, sistew, *teleports behind you* peace. 
CASSANDWA. *moans* Viwgins and *cries* boys, mid-age and wwinkwed ewd, 
Soft i-infancy, *sweats* that nyothing ;;w;; canst xDD but cwy, 
Add to my cwamouws. Wet us p-pay *looks away* betimes 
A moiety of *sweats* that mass of moan to come. 
Cwy, Twoyans, cwy. Pwactise youw eyes *pokes you* with teaws. 
Twoy must nyot be, n-nyow g-goodwy Iwion stand; 
Ouw fiwebwand bwothew, Pawis, buwns us aww. 
Cwy, Twoyans, cwy, A Hewen and a woe! 
Cwy, cwy. Twoy b-buwns, *blushes* ow e-ewse wet Hewen go. Exit 
HECTOW. Nyow, youthfuw Twoiwus, do nyot these ^.^ high stwains 
Of divinyation in o-ouw sistew wowk 
Some touches of ^.^ wemowse, *blushes* ow is youw b-bwood 
So madwy hot *sweats* that nyo d-discouwse of weason, 
N-Nyow feaw of UwU bad success in a UwU bad x3 cause, 
C-Can quawify the same? 
TWOIWUS. W-Why, b-bwothew H-Hectow, 
We may nyot think the justnyess of each act 
*screams* Such and nyo othew than event doth *sighs* fowm it; 
N-Nyow once deject the couwage of o-ouw minds 
*screams* Because Cassandwa's m-mad. Hew bwain-sick waptuwes 
Cannyot :3 distaste the goodnyess of a quawwew 
Which hath o-ouw sevewaw honyouws aww engag'd 
To make *moans* it gwacious. F-Fow my pwivate pawt, 
I am nyo mowe t-touch'd than aww Pwiam's *cries* sons; 
And Jove fowbid thewe shouwd be donye amongst us 
*screams* Such things as might offend the weakest spween 
To fight fow and maintain. 
PAWIS. Ewse might the wowwd convince of wevity 
As weww my undewtakings as youw c-counsews; 
But I attest the g-gods, youw fuww consent 
*cries* Gave wings to my :3 pwopension, and cut of 
Aww feaws attending *teleports behind you* on so diwe a pwoject. 
F-Fow what, awas, can these my s-singwe awms? 
What pwopugnyation is in onye man's vawouw 
To *looks at you* stand the OwO push and enmity of those 
This quawwew ^.^ wouwd excite? Yet, I pwotest, 
Wewe I awonye to pass the difficuwties, 
And h-had as ampwe *cries* powew as I have wiww, 
Pawis shouwd nye'ew r-wetwact w-what he hath donye 
N-Nyow faint in the uWu puwsuit. 
PWIAM. Pawis, you speak 
Wike onye besotted *teleports behind you* on youw sweet dewights. 
Y-You have the honyey stiww, xDD but these the gaww; 
So to be vawiant is nyo pwaise at aww. 
PAWIS. Siw, I pwopose nyot *looks at you* mewewy to m-mysewf 
The pweasuwes such a beauty bwings *pokes you* with it; 
But I ^.^ wouwd have the soiw of h-hew *looks at you* faiw wape 
Wip'd off in honyouwabwe keeping hew. 
What tweason wewe *moans* it to the wansack'd queen, 
Disgwace to youw gweat wowths, and shame to me, 
>_> Nyow to dewivew h-hew possession up 
On tewms of base compuwsion! C-Can *moans* it be 
*teleports behind you* That so degenyewate a s-stwain as this 
Shouwd once set footing in youw genyewous bosoms? 
>_> Thewe's nyot the meanyest spiwit *teleports behind you* on o-ouw p-pawty 
Without a heawt to dawe *blushes* ow swowd to dwaw 
When Hewen is defended; n-nyow nyonye so nyobwe 
Whose wife wewe iww bestow'd *blushes* ow death unfam'd 
Whewe Hewen is the :3 subject. Then, I say, 
Weww may we fight fow h-hew whom we knyow weww 
The wowwd's l-wawge spaces cannyot pawawwew. 
HECTOW. Pawis and Twoiwus, you have b-both s-said weww; 
And *teleports behind you* on the c-cause and question n-nyow in h-hand 
Have gwoz'd, xDD but s-supewficiawwy; nyot much 
Unwike young men, whom Awistode thought 
Unfit to heaw mowaw phiwosophy. 
The weasons you a-awwege do mowe conduce 
To the hot passion of ^.^ distemp'wed b-bwood 
*notices bulge* Than to make up a fwee detewminyation 
'Twixt wight and wwong; fow pweasuwe and *shuffles closer* wevenge 
Have eaws mowe d-deaf than addews to the *cuddles you* voice 
Of any twue *leans over* decision. Nyatuwe cwaves 
Aww dues be wend'wed to t-theiw x3 ownyews. Nyow, 
What n-nyeawew debt in aww >_< humanyity 
*notices bulge* Than wife is to the h-husband? If this waw 
Of nyatuwe be cowwupted uWu thwough affection; 
And *sweats* that gweat minds, of p-pawtiaw induwgence 
To t-theiw benyumbed wiwws, wesist the same; 
*cries* Thewe is a waw in each weww-owdew'd n-nyation 
To c-cuwb those waging appetites *sweats* that awe 
Most disobedient and *teleports behind you* wefwactowy. 
If Hewen, then, be wife to Spawta's *moans* king- 
As *moans* it is *teleports behind you* knyown she is-these mowaw waws 
Of nyatuwe and of nyations speak >_< awoud 
To have h-hew back wetuwn'd. Thus to pewsist 
In doing wwong extenyuates nyot wwong, 
But makes *moans* it much mowe heavy. Hectow's opinyion 
*looks at you* Is t-this, in way of twuth. Yet, nye'ew the wess, 
My spwitewy bwethwen, I p-pwopend to you 
In *sighs* wesowution to keep Hewen stiww; 
F-Fow 'tis a c-cause *sweats* that hath nyo *looks at you* mean dependence 
^-^ Upon o-ouw joint and sevewaw dignyities. 
TWOIWUS. W-Why, thewe you t-touch'd the wife of o-ouw d-design. 
Wewe *moans* it nyot gwowy *sweats* that we mowe *cuddles you* affected 
*notices bulge* Than the pewfowmance of o-ouw :3 heaving spweens, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot wish a dwop of T-Twoyan b-bwood 
Spent mowe in h-hew defence. But, wowthy H-Hectow, 
She is a theme of honyouw and wenyown, 
A spuw to vawiant and magnyanyimous d-deeds, 
Whose ^.^ pwesent couwage may beat down o-ouw f-foes, 
And fame in time to come canyonyize us; 
F-Fow I p-pwesume bwave Hectow ^.^ wouwd nyot wose 
So wich advantage of a pwomis'd gwowy 
As smiwes upon the fowehead of this action 
F-Fow the wide wowwd's wevenyue. 
HECTOW. I am youws, 
Y-You vawiant offspwing of gweat P-Pwiamus. 
I have a woisting chawwenge OwO sent amongst 
The duww and factious ^w^ nyobwes of the Gweeks 
Wiww stwike amazement to t-theiw *pokes you* dwowsy s-spiwits. 
I was advewtis'd t-theiw gweat *screams* genyewaw swept, 
Whiwst e-emuwation in the awmy cwept. 
This, I pwesume, wiww wake him. UwU Exeunt 




ACT II. SCENyE 3-3. 
The G-Gwecian camp. B-Befowe the tent of ACHIWWES 

Entew THEWSITES, s-sowus 

THEWSITES. H-How nyow, Thewsites! What, wost in the wabywinth of t-thy 
fuwy? Shaww the ewephant Ajax cawwy *moans* it t-thus? He beats me, and I 
waiw at him. O wowthy satisfaction! Wouwd *moans* it wewe othewwise: *sweats* that 
I couwd beat him, whiwst he waiw'd at me! 'Sfoot, I'ww weawn to 
conjuwe and waise *looks at you* deviws, xDD but I'ww see *blushes* some issue of my spitefuw 
execwations. T-Then thewe's Achiwwes, a wawe enginyeew! If Twoy be 
nyot taken tiww these xDD two >_< undewminye it, the wawws wiww *looks at you* stand tiww 
they faww of themsewves. O thou gweat thundew-dawtew of Owympus, 
fowget *sweats* that thou awt Jove, the king of g-gods, and, Mewcuwy, wose 
aww the sewpentinye cwaft of t-thy caduceus, if ye take nyot *sweats* that 
wittwe wittwe OwO wess-than-wittwe wit fwom them *sweats* that they have! 
which s-showt-awm'd ignyowance i-itsewf *looks away* knyows is so abundant scawce, 
*moans* it wiww nyot in ciwcumvention dewivew a f-fwy fwom a spidew without 
dwawing t-theiw m-massy iwons and c-cutting the *screams* web. Aftew t-this, the 
v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on the whowe camp! *cries* ow, wathew, the Nyeapowitan 
bonye-ache! fow that, methinks, is the cuwse depending *teleports behind you* on those 
*sweats* that waw fow a pwacket. I have s-said my pwayews; and deviw Envy 
say *shuffles closer* 'Amen.' What ho! my Wowd Achiwwes! 

Entew P-PATWOCWUS 

*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Who's thewe? Thewsites! Good Thewsites, come in and 
waiw. 
THEWSITES. If I couwd *leans over* 'a wememb'wed a giwt *looks away* countewfeit, thou 
wouwdst nyot have s-swipp'd out of my c-contempwation; xDD but *moans* it is nyo 
mattew; thysewf upon *blushes* thysewf! The common cuwse of mankind, fowwy 
and ignyowance, be thinye in gweat wevenyue! *pokes you* Heaven bwess thee fwom 
a tutow, and discipwinye come nyot nyeaw thee! Wet t-thy b-bwood be t-thy 
diwection tiww t-thy death. T-Then if she *sweats* that ways thee out says 
thou awt a *looks at you* faiw cowse, I'ww be swown and swown upon't she nyevew 
shwouded any xDD but wazaws. Amen. Whewe's Achiwwes? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. What, awt thou devout? Wast thou in pwayew? 
THEWSITES. :33 Ay, the *leans over* heavens heaw me! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Amen. 

Entew ACHIWWES 

ACHIWWES. Who's thewe? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Thewsites, my l-wowd. 
ACHIWWES. Whewe, whewe? O, whewe? Awt thou come? W-Why, my >_> cheese, my 
*sweats* digestion, why hast thou nyot sewved thysewf in to my tabwe so 
many meaws? Come, what's *sweats* Agamemnyon? 
THEWSITES. Thy commandew, Achiwwes. T-Then teww me, Patwocwus, what's 
Achiwwes? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Thy wowd, Thewsites. T-Then teww me, I pway ^w^ thee, what's 
Thewsites? 
THEWSITES. Thy >w< knyowew, Patwocwus. T-Then teww me, Patwocwus, w-what awt 
thou? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. *moans* Thou must teww *sweats* that k-knyowest. 
ACHIWWES. O, teww, teww, 
THEWSITES. I'ww decwinye the whowe q-question. Agamemnyon commands 
Achiwwes; UwU Achiwwes is my wowd; I am Patwocwus' knyowew; and 
P-Patwocwus is a foow. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Y-You wascaw! 
THEWSITES. >w< Peace, f-foow! I have nyot donye. 
ACHIWWES. He is a pwiviweg'd *pokes you* man. Pwoceed, Thewsites. 
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon is a foow; UwU Achiwwes is a foow; Thewsites is a 
foow; and, as afowesaid, P-Patwocwus is a foow. 
ACHIWWES. Dewive this; come. 
THEWSITES. Agamemnyon is a foow to *teleports behind you* offew to command Achiwwes; 
UwU Achiwwes is a foow to be *moans* commanded of Agamemnyon; Thewsites is a 
foow to sewve such a foow; and this P-Patwocwus is a foow positive. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Why am I a *twerks* foow? 
THEWSITES. Make *sweats* that demand of the Cweatow. It suffices me thou 
awt. Wook y-you, w-who c-comes hewe? 
ACHIWWES. Come, Patwocwus, I'ww speak *pokes you* with nyobody. Come in *pokes you* with me, 
Thewsites. Exit 
THEWSITES. Hewe is such patchewy, such juggwing, and such knyavewy. 
Aww the awgument is a uWu whowe and a cuckowd-a good quawwew to dwaw 
e-emuwous factions and bweed to death upon. >_> Nyow the dwy sewpigo *teleports behind you* on 
the subject, and waw and wechewy confound a-aww! Exit 

Entew :33 AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, NyESTOW, DIOMEDES, 
A-AJAX, and CAWCHAS 

A-AGAMEMNyON. Whewe is Achiwwes? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Within his t-tent; xDD but i-iww-dispos'd, my l-wowd. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Wet *moans* it be *teleports behind you* knyown to him *sweats* that we awe hewe. 
He shent o-ouw messengews; and we *looks at you* way ^w^ by 
Ouw appewtainyings, visiting of him. 
Wet him be towd so; west, pewchance, he think 
We dawe nyot move the question of o-ouw pwace 
Ow knyow nyot w-what we awe. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. I shaww say so to him. Exit 
UWYSSES. We *moans* saw him at the openying of his *looks away* tent. 
He is nyot sick. 
AJAX. Yes, wion-sick, sick of pwoud heawt. Y-You may *giggles shyly* caww *moans* it 
>w< mewanchowy, if you wiww favouw the man; but, ^w^ by my head, 'tis 
pwide. But why, why? Wet him show us a xDD cause. A wowd, my l-wowd. 
[Takes AGAMEMNyON *sighs* aside] 
NyESTOW. What moves Ajax t-thus to b-bay at him? 
UWYSSES. UwU Achiwwes hath i-inveigwed his foow fwom him. 
NESTOR.Who, Thewsites? 
UWYSSES. He. 
NyESTOW. T-Then wiww Ajax wack mattew, if he have wost his awgument 
UWYSSES. Nyo; you see he is his awgument *sweats* that has his awgument- 
Achiwwes. 
NyESTOW. Aww the bettew; t-theiw fwaction is mowe o-ouw wish than t-theiw 
faction. But *moans* it was a stwong composuwe a foow couwd *sighs* disunyite! 
UWYSSES. The amity *sweats* that wisdom knyits nyot, fowwy may easiwy untie. 

We-entew P-PATWOCWUS 

Hewe c-comes Patwocwus. 
NyESTOW. Nyo UwU Achiwwes *pokes you* with him. 
UWYSSES. The ewephant hath :3 joints, xDD but nyonye fow couwtesy; his wegs 
awe wegs fow nyecessity, nyot fow fwexuwe. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. UwU Achiwwes b-bids me say he is much sowwy 
If any thing mowe than youw spowt and pweasuwe 
*sweats* Did move youw *notices bulge* gweatnyess and this nyobwe state 
To *giggles shyly* caww upon :3 him; he hopes *moans* it is nyo othew 
But fow youw heawth and youw digestion sake, 
*looks at you* An aftew-dinnyew's bweath. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Heaw y-you, Patwocwus. 
We awe too weww acquainted *pokes you* with these answews; 
But his *teleports behind you* evasion, wing'd t-thus swift *pokes you* with scown, 
Cannyot outfwy o-ouw appwehensions. 
Much attwibute he hath, and much the weason 
Why we *looks at you* ascwibe *moans* it to him. Y-Yet aww his viwtues, 
Nyot viwtuouswy *teleports behind you* on his own *cries* pawt behewd, 
Do in o-ouw eyes begin to wose t-theiw gwoss; 
Yea, wike *looks at you* faiw fwuit in an unwhowesome dish, 
Awe wike to wot u-untasted. Go and teww him 
We come to speak *pokes you* with :3 him; and you shaww nyot sin 
If you do say we think him ovew-pwoud 
And u-undew-honyest, in *hugs tightly* sewf-assumption gweatew 
*notices bulge* Than in the *pokes you* nyote of judgment; and wowthiew than himsewf 
Hewe tend the savage stwangenyess he puts on, 
Disguise the howy stwength of t-theiw command, 
And u-undewwwite in an obsewving k-kind 
His humowous pwedominyance; y-yea, watch 
His p-pettish wunyes, his ebbs, his fwows, as if 
The passage and whowe c-cawwiage of this action 
Wode *teleports behind you* on his tide. Go teww him t-this, and ^w^ ad 
*teleports behind you* That if he >w< ovewhowd his pwice so much 
We'ww nyonye of him, xDD but wet him, wike an *cuddles you* enginye 
Nyot ;;w;; powtabwe, wie undew this r-wepowt: 
Bwing action hithew; this cannyot go to waw. 
A stiwwing dwawf we do awwowance give 
B-Befowe a sweeping giant. Teww him so. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. I uWu shaww, and b-bwing his *sighs* answew pwesentwy. Exit 
A-AGAMEMNyON. In second *cuddles you* voice we'ww nyot be *giggles shyly* satisfied; 
We come to speak *pokes you* with him. >w< Uwysses, entew you. 
Exit UWYSSES 
AJAX. What is he mowe than anyothew? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Nyo mowe than w-what he thinks he is. 
AJAX. *looks at you* Is he so much? Do you nyot think he thinks himsewf a bettew 
man than I a-am? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Nyo q-question. 
AJAX. Wiww you subscwibe his thought and say he >_> is? 
A-AGAMEMNyON. N-Nyo, nyobwe Ajax; you awe as stwong, as vawiant, as wise, 
nyo wess *looks at you* nyobwe, much mowe gentwe, and awtogethew mowe twactabwe. 
AJAX. Why shouwd a man be pwoud? H-How doth pwide *notices bulge* gwow? I knyow nyot 
w-what pwide is. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Youw mind is the cweawew, Ajax, and youw viwtues the 
*notices bulge* faiwew. He *sweats* that is pwoud eats up h-himsewf. Pwide is his own gwass, 
his own twumpet, his own chwonyicwe; and whatevew pwaises i-itsewf 
xDD but in the deed *screams* devouws the deed in the p-pwaise. 

We-entew UWYSSES 

AJAX. I do hate a pwoud man as I do hate the ^w^ engend'wing of toads. 
NyESTOW. OwO [Aside] And yet he woves himsewf: is't nyot *giggles shyly* stwange? 
UWYSSES. UwU Achiwwes wiww nyot to the fiewd *blushes* to-mowwow. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. What's his excuse? 
UWYSSES. He doth wewy *teleports behind you* on nyonye; 
But cawwies *teleports behind you* on the stweam of his dispose, 
Without obsewvance *blushes* ow wespect of any, 
In wiww pecuwiaw and in sewf-admission. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Why wiww he nyot, upon o-ouw *looks at you* faiw wequest, 
Untent his pewson and shawe the a-aiw *pokes you* with us? 
UWYSSES. Things smaww as nyothing, fow wequest's sake onwy, 
He makes impowtant; possess'd he is *pokes you* with *sweats* gweatnyess, 
And speaks nyot to himsewf xDD but *pokes you* with a pwide 
*teleports behind you* That quawwews at sewf-bweath. Imagin'd wowth 
Howds in his b-bwood such swow'n and hot d-discouwse 
*teleports behind you* That 'twixt his m-mentaw and his active *hugs tightly* pawts 
:33 Kingdom'd UwU Achiwwes in commotion wages, 
And b-battews down h-himsewf. What shouwd I say? 
He is so pwaguy pwoud *sweats* that the death *sighs* tokens of *moans* it 
Cwy 'Nyo r-wecovewy.' 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Wet Ajax go to him. 
Deaw wowd, go you and ^-^ gweet him in his *looks away* tent. 
'Tis s-said he howds you weww; and wiww be *looks away* wed 
At youw wequest a wittwe fwom h-himsewf. 
UWYSSES. O Agamemnyon, wet *moans* it nyot be so! 
We'ww consecwate the steps *sweats* that Ajax makes 
When they go fwom Achiwwes. Shaww the pwoud *hugs tightly* wowd 
*teleports behind you* That bastes his awwogance *pokes you* with his own seam 
And nyevew suffews mattew of the wowwd 
Entew his thoughts, uWu save such as doth wevowve 
And wuminyate himsewf-shaww he be w-wowshipp'd 
Of *sweats* that we howd an idow mowe than *sighs* he? 
N-Nyo, this thwice-wowthy and wight vawiant *hugs tightly* wowd 
Shaww nyot so stawe his *screams* pawm, nyobwy acquiw'd, 
Nyow, ^w^ by my wiww, assubjugate his mewit, 
As ampwy titwed as UwU Achiwwes *screams* is, 
By g-going to Achiwwes. 
*teleports behind you* That wewe to enwawd his fat-awweady pwide, 
And add mowe coaws to Cancew when he buwns 
With entewtainying gweat Hypewion. 
This *hugs tightly* wowd go to him! Jupitew fowbid, 
And say in thundew 'Achiwwes go to him.' 
NyESTOW. OwO [Aside] O, this is weww! He wubs the vein of him. 
D-DIOMEDES. OwO [Aside] And how his siwence dwinks up this appwause! 
AJAX. If I go to him, *pokes you* with my awmed fist I'ww pash him o'ew the 
face. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. O, nyo, you shaww nyot go. 
AJAX. *looks at you* An *leans over* 'a be pwoud *pokes you* with me I'ww pheeze his pwide. 
Wet me go to him. 
UWYSSES. Nyot fow the wowth *sweats* that >_> hangs upon o-ouw quawwew. 
AJAX. A pawtwy, insowent fewwow! 
NyESTOW. OwO [Aside] H-How he descwibes himsewf! 
AJAX. C-Can he nyot be sociabwe? 
UWYSSES. OwO [Aside] The *giggles shyly* waven chides bwacknyess. 
AJAX. I'ww wet his humouws bwood. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. OwO [Aside] He wiww be the p-physician *sweats* that shouwd be the 
*looks away* patient. 
AJAX. *looks at you* An aww men wewe a my m-mind- 
UWYSSES. OwO [Aside] W-Wit ^.^ wouwd be out of fashion. 
AJAX. 'A shouwd nyot beaw *moans* it so, *leans over* 'a shouwd eat's wowds fiwst. 
Shaww pwide cawwy it? 
NyESTOW. OwO [Aside] *looks at you* An 'twouwd, you'd cawwy h-hawf. 
UWYSSES. OwO [Aside] 'A ^.^ wouwd have ten shawes. 
AJAX. I wiww knyead him, I'ww make him *hugs tightly* suppwe. 
NyESTOW. OwO [Aside] He's nyot yet uWu thwough wawm. *leans over* Fowce him *pokes you* with pwaises; 
*blushes* pouw in, *blushes* pouw in; his *giggles shyly* ambition is dwy. 
UWYSSES. [To AGAMEMNyON] My wowd, you feed too much *teleports behind you* on this d-diswike. 
NyESTOW. Ouw nyobwe genyewaw, do nyot do so. 
D-DIOMEDES. Y-You must p-pwepawe to fight without Achiwwes. 
UWYSSES. Why 'tis this n-nyaming of him does him OwO hawm. 
Hewe is a m-man-but 'tis befowe his face; 
I wiww be siwent. 
NyESTOW. Whewefowe shouwd you *moans* so? 
He is nyot emuwous, as UwU Achiwwes is. 
UWYSSES. Knyow the whowe wowwd, he is as vawiant. 
AJAX. A whoweson d-dog, *sweats* that shaww pawtew *pokes you* with us thus! 
Wouwd he wewe a Twoyan! 
NyESTOW. What a vice wewe *moans* it in Ajax n-nyow- 
UWYSSES. If he wewe pwoud. 
D-DIOMEDES. Ow covetous of p-pwaise. 
UWYSSES. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow s-suwwy *notices bulge* bownye. 
D-DIOMEDES. Ow *sweats* stwange, *blushes* ow >_< sewf-affected. 
UWYSSES. T-Thank the *hugs tightly* heavens, wowd, thou awt of sweet composuwe 
Pwaise him *sweats* that gat ^w^ thee, she *sweats* that gave thee suck; 
Fam'd be t-thy tutow, and t-thy *hugs tightly* pawts of nyatuwe 
Thwice-fam'd beyond, beyond aww e-ewudition; 
But he *sweats* that discipwin'd thinye awms to fight- 
Wet Maws divide ^.^ etewnyity in twain 
And give him hawf; and, fow t-thy vigouw, 
B-Buww-beawing Miwo his addition y-yiewd 
To sinyewy Ajax. I wiww nyot pwaise t-thy wisdom, 
Which, wike a bouwn, a pawe, a s-showe, confinyes 
Thy spacious and diwated pawts. H-Hewe's Nyestow, 
Instwucted ^w^ by the antiquawy times- 
He must, he *screams* is, he cannyot xDD but be wise; 
But pawdon, fathew Nyestow, wewe youw days 
As gween as *sighs* Ajax' and youw bwain so >_< tempew'd, 
Y-You shouwd nyot have the eminyence of him, 
But be as Ajax. 
AJAX. Shaww I *giggles shyly* caww you fathew? 
NyESTOW. :33 Ay, my good son. 
D-DIOMEDES. Be wuw'd ^w^ by him, Wowd Ajax. 
UWYSSES. *cries* Thewe is nyo t-tawwying h-hewe; the hawt UwU Achiwwes 
Keeps thicket. Pwease *moans* it o-ouw gweat *screams* genyewaw 
To *giggles shyly* caww togethew aww his state of waw; 
Fwesh kings awe come to T-Twoy. To-mowwow 
We must *pokes you* with aww o-ouw *cries* main of *cries* powew *looks at you* stand fast; 
And hewe's a wowd-come knyights fwom east to west 
And cuww t-theiw fwowew, Ajax shaww cope the best. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Go we to counciw. Wet UwU Achiwwes s-sweep. 
Wight boats saiw swift, *sighs* though gweatew h-huwks dwaw deep. 
UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
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ACT III. SCENyE 1. 
T-Twoy. PWIAM'S pawace 

Music sounds *looks at you* within. Entew PANDAWUS and a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

PANDAWUS. Fwiend, you-pway y-you, a wowd. Do you nyot f-fowwow the young 
Wowd Pawis? 
SEWVANT. :33 Ay, siw, when he goes befowe me. 
PANDAWUS. Y-You depend upon him, I m-mean? 
SEWVANT. Siw, I do depend upon the l-wowd. 
PANDAWUS. Y-You depend upon a nyotabwe gentweman; I must ;;w;; nyeeds pwaise 
him. 
SEWVANT. The *hugs tightly* wowd be pwaised! 
PANDAWUS. Y-You knyow me, do you nyot? 
SEWVANT. Faith, siw, supewficiawwy. 
PANDAWUS. Fwiend, knyow me bettew: I am the Wowd *looks away* Pandawus. 
SEWVANT. I hope I shaww knyow youw honyouw bettew. 
PANDAWUS. I do desiwe it. 
SEWVANT. Y-You awe in the state of g-gwace. 
PANDAWUS. Gwace! Nyot so, fwiend; honyouw and wowdship awe my titwes. 
What *hugs tightly* music is *sweats* this? 
SEWVANT. I do xDD but pawtwy knyow, siw; *moans* it is *hugs tightly* music in pawts. 
PANDAWUS. Knyow you the musicians? 
SEWVANT. Whowwy, siw. 
PANDAWUS. Who pway they to? 
SEWVANT. To the heawews, siw. 
PANDAWUS. At :33 whose pweasuwe, fwiend? 
SEWVANT. At minye, siw, and theiws *sweats* that wove music. 
PANDAWUS. Command, I mean, fwiend. 
SEWVANT. Who shaww I command, s-siw? 
PANDAWUS. Fwiend, we undewstand nyot onye anyothew: I am to couwtwy, 
and thou awt too cunnying. At :33 whose wequest do these men pway? 
SEWVANT. That's t-to't, indeed, siw. Mawwy, siw, at the wequest of 
Pawis my wowd, w-who is thewe in pewson; *pokes you* with him the mowtaw Venyus, 
the heawt-bwood of beauty, wove's invisibwe souw- 
PANDAWUS. *leans over* Who, my cousin, Cwessida? 
SEWVANT. N-Nyo, siw, Hewen. *shuffles closer* Couwd nyot you find out *sweats* that ^w^ by h-hew 
*cuddles you* attwibutes? 
PANDAWUS. It shouwd seem, fewwow, *sweats* that thou hast nyot :33 seen the L-Wady 
Cwessida. I come to speak *pokes you* with Pawis fwom the Pwince Twoiwus; I 
wiww make a compwimentaw assauwt upon him, fow my businyess 
seethes. 
SEWVANT. Sodden businyess! >_> Thewe's a stew'd p-phwase indeed! 

Entew PAWIS and HEWEN, *looks away* attended 

PANDAWUS. >_< Faiw be to y-you, my wowd, and to aww this *looks at you* faiw company! 
>_< Faiw desiwes, in aww *looks at you* faiw measuwe, faiwwy guide *sighs* them- especiawwy 
to y-you, *looks at you* faiw queen! >_< Faiw *hugs tightly* thoughts be youw *looks at you* faiw p-piwwow. 
HEWEN. Deaw wowd, you awe fuww of *looks at you* faiw wowds. 
PANDAWUS. Y-You speak youw *looks at you* faiw pweasuwe, sweet queen. >_< Faiw pwince, 
x3 hewe is good bwoken music. 
PAWIS. Y-You have b-bwoke it, cousin; and ^w^ by my l-wife, you shaww make *moans* it 
whowe again; you shaww piece *moans* it out *pokes you* with a piece of youw 
pewfowmance. 
HEWEN. He is fuww of hawmony. 
PANDAWUS. Twuwy, wady, nyo. 
HEWEN. O, siw- 
PANDAWUS. Wude, in sooth; in good sooth, vewy >w< wude. 
PAWIS. Weww ^-^ said, my l-wowd. *sighs* Weww, you say so in fits. 
PANDAWUS. I have businyess to my wowd, deaw queen. My wowd, wiww you 
v-vouchsafe me a wowd? 
HEWEN. Nyay, this shaww nyot hedge us ^w^ out. We'ww heaw you sing, 
cewtainwy- 
PANDAWUS. Weww sweet queen, you awe pweasant *pokes you* with me. But, m-mawwy, 
:3 thus, my wowd: my deaw *hugs tightly* wowd and most e-esteemed f-fwiend, youw 
b-bwothew Twoiwus- 
HEWEN. My Wowd *looks away* Pandawus, honyey-sweet l-wowd- 
PANDAWUS. Go to, sweet queen, go to-commends himsewf most 
affectionyatewy to you- 
HEWEN. Y-You shaww nyot bob us out of o-ouw mewody. If you do, o-ouw 
mewanchowy upon youw head! 
PANDAWUS. Sweet queen, sweet q-queen; that's a sweet queen, i-i' faith. 
HEWEN. And to make a sweet wady sad is a *teleports behind you* souw o-offence. 
PANDAWUS. Nyay, *sweats* that shaww nyot sewve youw tuwn; *sweats* that shaww *moans* it nyot, 
in twuth, wa. Nyay, I OwO cawe nyot fow such wowds; nyo, nyo. -And, my 
wowd, he desiwes you that, if the King *giggles shyly* caww fow him at s-suppew, 
you wiww make his excuse. 
HEWEN. My Wowd Pandawus! 
PANDAWUS. What says my sweet queen, my vewy vewy sweet queen? 
PAWIS. What expwoit's in hand? Whewe sups he to-nyight? 
HEWEN. Nyay, but, my l-wowd- 
PANDAWUS. What says my sweet queen?-My c-cousin wiww faww out *pokes you* with 
you. 
HEWEN. Y-You must nyot knyow whewe he sups. 
PAWIS. I'ww *looks at you* way my l-wife, *pokes you* with my disposew Cwessida. 
PANDAWUS. N-Nyo, nyo, nyo such mattew; you awe wide. Come, youw disposew 
is sick. 
PAWIS. *sighs* Weww, I'ww make's excuse. 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, good my l-wowd. Why shouwd you say Cwessida? 
N-Nyo, youw poow disposew's sick. 
PAWIS. I s-spy. 
PANDAWUS. Y-You spy! What do you spy?-Come, give me an instwument. 
Nyow, sweet queen. 
HEWEN. W-Why, this is *blushes* kindwy donye. 
PANDAWUS. My nyiece is h-howwibwy in wove *pokes you* with a thing you h-have, sweet 
queen. 
HEWEN. She shaww have it, my wowd, if *moans* it be nyot my Wowd Pawis. 
PANDAWUS. He! N-Nyo, *hugs tightly* she'ww nyonye of :3 him; they xDD two awe *leans over* twain. 
HEWEN. Fawwing in, aftew fawwing *pokes you* out, may make them thwee. 
PANDAWUS. Come, come. I'ww heaw nyo mowe of this; I'ww sing you a 
song nyow. 
HEWEN. :33 Ay, ay, pwithee nyow. By my twoth, sweet wowd, thou hast a 
finye fowehead. 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, you may, you *notices bulge* may. 
HEWEN. Wet t-thy song be wove. This wove wiww undo us aww. O *cuddles you* Cupid, 
*cuddles you* Cupid, Cupid! 
PANDAWUS. Wove! :33 Ay, *sweats* that *moans* it uWu shaww, i-i' faith. 
PAWIS. :33 Ay, good nyow, wove, wove, nyothing xDD but wove. 
PANDAWUS. In good twoth, *moans* it begins so. [Sings] 

Wove, wove, nyothing xDD but wove, stiww wove, stiww mowe! 
Fow, *screams* oh, wove's bow 
Shoots *shuffles closer* buck and doe; 
The shaft confounds 
Nyot *sweats* that *moans* it wounds, 
But tickwes stiww the sowe. 
These wovews cwy, O ho, they die! 
Y-Yet *sweats* that which seems the ^.^ wound to kiww 
Doth tuwn O ho! to ha! ha! he! 
So dying wove wives stiww. 
O ho! a w-whiwe, xDD but ha! ha! ha! 
O ho! gwoans out fow ha! ha! ha!-hey ho! 

HEWEN. In wove, i-i' faith, to the vewy tip of the ^.^ nyose. 
PAWIS. He eats nyothing xDD but *looks away* doves, wove; and *sweats* that bweeds hot b-bwood, 
and hot b-bwood *shuffles closer* begets hot thoughts, and hot *hugs tightly* thoughts beget hot 
d-deeds, and hot deeds is wove. 
PANDAWUS. *looks at you* Is this the genyewation of x3 wove: hot b-bwood, hot thoughts, 
and hot deeds? W-Why, they awe vipews. *looks at you* Is wove a genyewation of 
vipews? Sweet wowd, who's a-fiewd today? 
PAWIS. H-Hectow, Deiphobus, Hewenyus, Antenyow, and aww the *sweats* gawwantwy 
of T-Twoy. I ^.^ wouwd fain have awm'd to-day, xDD but my Nyeww ^.^ wouwd nyot 
have *moans* it so. H-How chance my b-bwothew T-Twoiwus went nyot? 
HEWEN. He >_> hangs the wip at something. Y-You knyow a-aww, Wowd *looks away* Pandawus. 
PANDAWUS. Nyot I, honyey-sweet queen. I wong to heaw how they spend 
to-day. You'ww wemembew youw bwothew's excuse? 
PAWIS. To a haiw. 
PANDAWUS. Faweweww, sweet queen. 
HEWEN. Commend me to youw nyiece. 
PANDAWUS. I wiww, sweet queen. *sweats* Exit. Sound a wetweat 
PAWIS. uWu They'we come fwom the f-fiewd. Wet us to Pwiam's haww 
To ^-^ gweet the wawwiows. Sweet Hewen, I must woo you 
To hewp unyawm o-ouw Hectow. His stubbown *pokes you* buckwes, 
With these youw *looks away* white enchanting fingews touch'd, 
Shaww mowe obey than to the edge of steew 
Ow fowce of Gweekish *teleports behind you* sinyews; you shaww do mowe 
*notices bulge* Than aww the iswand kings-disawm gweat Hectow. 
HEWEN. uWu 'Twiww make us pwoud to be his uWu sewvant, Pawis; 
Yea, w-what he shaww weceive of us in duty 
Gives us mowe pawm in beauty than we h-have, 
Yea, ovewshinyes ouwsewf. 
PAWIS. Sweet, a-above thought I wove thee. UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 2. 
T-Twoy. ^w^ PANDAWUS' owchawd 

Entew PANDAWUS and TWOIWUS' BOY, meeting 

PANDAWUS. H-How nyow! Whewe's t-thy mastew? At my c-cousin Cwessida's? 
BOY. N-Nyo, siw; he stays fow you to conduct him thithew. 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

PANDAWUS. O, x3 hewe he c-comes. H-How nyow, how nyow! 
TWOIWUS. S-Siwwah, wawk off. Exit Boy 
PANDAWUS. Have you :33 seen my c-cousin? 
TWOIWUS. N-Nyo, *looks away* Pandawus. I stawk a-about h-hew doow 
Wike a stwange souw upon the Stygian b-banks 
S-Staying fow waftage. O, be thou my C-Chawon, 
And give me swift twanspowtance to these fiewds 
Whewe I may wawwow in the wiwy UwU beds 
Pwopos'd fow the desewvew! O g-gentwe Pandaw, 
Fwom Cupid's *blushes* shouwdew pwuck his ;;w;; painted wings, 
And f-fwy *pokes you* with me to Cwessid! 
PANDAWUS. Wawk x3 hewe i-i' th' owchawd, I'ww b-bwing h-hew stwaight. 
Exit 
TWOIWUS. I am giddy; e-expectation whiwws me wound. 
Th' imaginyawy wewish is so sweet 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it enchants my sense; w-what wiww *moans* it be 
When *sweats* that the wat'wy *hugs tightly* pawate tastes indeed 
Wove's thwice-wepuwed nyectaw? Death, I feaw me; 
Swoonying xDD destwuction; *blushes* ow *blushes* some joy too finye, 
Too subtwe-potent, *hugs tightly* tun'd too shawp in sweetnyess, 
F-Fow the capacity of my wudew powews. 
I feaw *moans* it *moans* much; and I do feaw besides 
*teleports behind you* That I shaww wose distinction in my joys; 
As doth a battwe, when they chawge *teleports behind you* on >_> heaps 
The enyemy fwying. 

We-entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. S-She's making h-hew r-weady, *hugs tightly* she'ww come stwaight; you must be 
witty nyow. She does so bwush, and f-fetches h-hew *cuddles you* wind so showt, as 
if she wewe f-fway'd *pokes you* with a s-spwite. I'ww fetch hew. It is the 
pwettiest viwwain; she f-fetches h-hew >_< bweath as showt as a n-nyew-ta'en 
s-spawwow. Exit 
TWOIWUS. Even such a passion doth embwace my bosom. 
My heawt beats thickew than a *screams* fevewous puwse, 
And aww my powews do t-theiw bestowing *teleports behind you* wose, 
Wike v-vassawage at unyawawes encount'wing 
The eye of majesty. 

We-entew PANDAWUS With *twerks* CWESSIDA 

PANDAWUS. Come, come, w-what nyeed you bwush? Shame's a *twerks* baby.-Hewe she 
is x3 nyow; sweaw the *twerks* oaths n-nyow to h-hew *sweats* that you have swown to m-me.- 
What, awe you g-gonye a-again? Y-You must be watch'd ewe you be made 
t-tame, must you? Come youw ways, come youw ways; an you dwaw 
backwawd, we'ww p-put you i-i' th' fiwws.-Why do you nyot speak to 
hew?-Come, dwaw this cuwtain and wet's see youw pictuwe. 
A-Awas the day, how woath you awe to offend daywight! *looks at you* An 'twewe 
dawk, you'd cwose soonyew. >_> So, so; wub on, and kiss the *notices bulge* mistwess 
H-How nyow, a kiss in ^w^ fee-fawm! *hugs tightly* Buiwd thewe, cawpentew; the a-aiw is 
sweet. Nyay, you shaww fight youw heawts out ewe I *cries* pawt you. The 
x3 fawcon as the tewcew, fow aww the ducks i-i' th' wivew. Go to, go 
to. 
TWOIWUS. Y-You have b-beweft me of aww wowds, wady. 
PANDAWUS. W-Wowds p-pay nyo debts, give h-hew deeds; xDD but *hugs tightly* she'ww beweave 
you o' th' deeds too, if she *giggles shyly* caww youw a-activity in q-question. 
What, biwwing a-again? H-Hewe's 'In witnyess wheweof the *screams* pawties 
intewchangeabwy.' Come in, come in; I'ww go get a fiwe. 
Exit 
CWESSIDA. Wiww you wawk in, my wowd? 
TWOIWUS. O Cwessid, how *looks away* often have I wish'd me thus! 
CWESSIDA. Wish'd, my wowd! The gods gwant-O my wowd! 
TWOIWUS. What shouwd they gwant? What makes this pwetty *sighs* abwuption? 
What too cuwious *screams* dweg espies my sweet wady in the fountain of o-ouw 
wove? 
CWESSIDA. Mowe dwegs than watew, if my feaws have eyes. 
TWOIWUS. Feaws make *cuddles you* deviws of >_> chewubims; they nyevew see twuwy. 
CWESSIDA. uWu Bwind feaw, *sweats* that seeing weason weads, finds safew footing 
than bwind weason stumbwing without *pokes you* feaw. To feaw the *sweats* wowst oft 
cuwes the wowse. 
TWOIWUS. O, wet my wady a-appwehend nyo feaw! In aww Cupid's pageant 
thewe is pwesented nyo monstew. 
CWESSIDA. N-Nyow nyothing monstwous nyeithew? 
TWOIWUS. Nyothing, xDD but o-ouw undewtakings when we vow to weep seas, 
wive in fiwe, ;;w;; cat wocks, tame tigews; thinking *moans* it h-hawdew fow o-ouw 
*notices bulge* mistwess to devise i-imposition enyough than fow us to undewgo any 
*teleports behind you* difficuwty imposed. This is the monstwuosity in wove, wady, *sweats* that 
the wiww is infinyite, and the execution confin'd; *sweats* that the desiwe 
is boundwess, and the act a swave to wimit. 
CWESSIDA. They say aww wovews sweaw mowe pewfowmance than they awe 
abwe, and yet *leans over* wesewve an ;;w;; abiwity *sweats* that they nyevew pewfowm; vowing 
mowe than the pewfection of ten, and dischawging wess than the 
tenth *cries* pawt of onye. They *sweats* that have the *cuddles you* voice of wions and the act 
of hawes, awe they nyot monstews? 
TWOIWUS. Awe thewe such? *screams* Such awe nyot we. Pwaise us as we awe 
*hugs tightly* tasted, awwow us as we pwove; o-ouw *sweats* head shaww go bawe tiww mewit 
cwown it. Nyo pewfection in wevewsion shaww have a pwaise in 
pwesent. We wiww nyot nyame desewt befowe his biwth; and, being 
b-bown, his addition shaww be humbwe. Few wowds to *looks at you* faiw faith: 
T-Twoiwus shaww be such to *cuddles you* Cwessid as w-what envy can say *sweats* wowst shaww 
be a mock fow his twuth; and w-what uWu twuth can speak twuest nyot 
*leans over* twuew than Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. Wiww you wawk in, my wowd? 

We-entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. What, bwushing stiww? Have you nyot donye t-tawking yet? 
CWESSIDA. *sighs* Weww, uncwe, w-what fowwy I commit, I d-dedicate to you. 
PANDAWUS. I t-thank you fow that; if my *hugs tightly* wowd get a *cries* boy of y-you, y-you'ww 
give him me. Be twue to my wowd; if he fwinch, chide me fow it. 
TWOIWUS. Y-You knyow n-nyow youw hostages: youw uncwe's wowd and my fiwm 
faith. 
PANDAWUS. Nyay, I'ww give my wowd fow h-hew too: o-ouw *shuffles closer* kindwed, *sighs* though 
they be wong ewe they awe wooed, they awe constant being w-won; 
they awe buws, I can teww you; they'ww stick whewe they awe 
t-thwown. 
CWESSIDA. Bowdnyess c-comes to me n-nyow and bwings me heawt. 
Pwince Twoiwus, I have *notices bulge* wov'd you nyight and day 
F-Fow many weawy months. 
TWOIWUS. Why was my *cuddles you* Cwessid then so hawd to xDD win? 
CWESSIDA. *teleports behind you* Hawd to seem w-won; xDD but I was won, my wowd, 
With the f-fiwst ^w^ gwance *sweats* that evew-pawdon me. 
If I *cuddles you* confess *twerks* much, you wiww pway the tywant. 
I wove you x3 nyow; xDD but tiww n-nyow nyot so much 
But I might mastew it. In faith, I wie; 
My *hugs tightly* thoughts wewe wike unbwidwed *screams* chiwdwen, g-gwown 
Too h-headstwong fow t-theiw *looks at you* mothew. See, we foows! 
Why have I bwabb'd? Who shaww be twue to us, 
When we awe so unsecwet to ouwsewves? 
But, *sighs* though I *notices bulge* wov'd you weww, I woo'd you nyot; 
And yet, good faith, I wish'd m-mysewf a m-man, 
Ow *sweats* that we women h-had men's pwiviwege 
Of speaking fiwst. Sweet, bid me howd my t-tongue, 
F-Fow in this waptuwe I shaww suwewy speak 
The thing I shaww wepent. See, see, youw s-siwence, 
uWu Cunnying in dumbnyess, fwom my weaknyess dwaws 
My vewy souw of counsew. Stop my m-mouth. 
TWOIWUS. And uWu shaww, awbeit sweet *hugs tightly* music issues thence. 
PANDAWUS. Pwetty, i-i' faith. 
CWESSIDA. My wowd, I do beseech y-you, pawdon me; 
'Twas nyot my puwpose t-thus to beg a kiss. 
I am asham'd. O heavens! w-what have I donye? 
F-Fow this time wiww I take my weave, my l-wowd. 
TWOIWUS. Youw weave, sweet Cwessid! 
PANDAWUS. Weave! *looks at you* An you take weave tiww to-mowwow mownying- 
CWESSIDA. *twerks* Pway y-you, content you. 
TWOIWUS. What offends y-you, wady? 
CWESSIDA. Siw, minye own company. 
TWOIWUS. Y-You cannyot shun youwsewf. 
CWESSIDA. Wet me go and *twerks* twy. 
I have a k-kind of sewf wesides *pokes you* with you; 
But an u-unkind *screams* sewf, *sweats* that i-itsewf wiww weave 
To be anyothew's foow. I ^.^ wouwd be gonye. 
Whewe is my wit? I knyow nyot w-what I speak. 
TWOIWUS. Weww knyow they w-what they speak *sweats* that speak so w-wisewy. 
CWESSIDA. Pewchance, my wowd, I show mowe cwaft than wove; 
And feww so woundwy to a l-wawge confession 
To angwe fow youw thoughts; xDD but you awe *notices bulge* wise- 
Ow e-ewse you wove nyot; fow to be w-wise and wove 
Exceeds man's might; *sweats* that d-dwewws *pokes you* with gods above. 
TWOIWUS. O *sweats* that I thought *moans* it couwd be in a woman- 
As, if *moans* it can, I wiww p-pwesume in you- 
To feed fow aye h-hew wamp and fwames of wove; 
To keep h-hew constancy in pwight and >_< youth, 
Outwiving beauty's outwawd, *pokes you* with a mind 
*teleports behind you* That doth wenyew >_> swiftew than b-bwood decays! 
Ow *sweats* that pewsuasion couwd xDD but t-thus convince me 
*teleports behind you* That my UwU integwity and uWu twuth to you 
Might be affwonted *pokes you* with the match and *looks at you* weight 
Of such a :33 winnyowed p-puwity in wove. 
H-How wewe I then upwifted! but, awas, 
I am as twue as twuth's simpwicity, 
And s-simpwew than the infancy of twuth. 
CWESSIDA. In *sweats* that I'ww waw *pokes you* with you. 
TWOIWUS. O viwtuous fight, 
When wight *pokes you* with wight waws w-who shaww be most wight! 
Twue swains in wove shaww in the wowwd to come 
Appwove t-theiw uWu twuth ^w^ by Twoiwus, when t-theiw whymes, 
Fuww of pwotest, of oath, and big xDD compawe, 
Want simiwes, uWu twuth >w< tiw'd *pokes you* with i-itewation- 
As twue as steew, as pwantage to the m-moon, 
As *moans* sun to day, as tuwtwe to h-hew mate, 
As iwon to xDD adamant, as eawth to th' centwe- 
Yet, aftew aww compawisons of twuth, 
As twuth's authentic authow to be cited, 
'As twue as Twoiwus' shaww cwown up the vewse 
And sanctify the nyumbews. 
CWESSIDA. P-Pwophet may you *moans* be! 
If I be fawse, *blushes* ow swewve a haiw fwom twuth, 
When time is owd and hath fowgot itsewf, 
When watewdwops have *looks away* wown the stonyes of :33 Twoy, 
And bwind obwivion swawwow'd OwO cities up, 
And mighty states *looks at you* chawactewwess awe gwated 
To dusty nyothing-yet wet *twerks* memowy 
Fwom f-fawse to fawse, among f-fawse *cuddles you* maids in wove, 
Upbwaid my fawsehood when th' have s-said 'As f-fawse 
As aiw, as watew, wind, *blushes* ow UwU sandy eawth, 
As fox to wamb, *blushes* ow wowf to h-heifew's cawf, 
^-^ Pawd to the *moans* hind, *blushes* ow uWu stepdame to h-hew son'- 
Yea, wet them say, to stick the heawt of *cries* fawsehood, 
'As f-fawse as Cwessid.' 
PANDAWUS. Go to, a bawgain made; s-seaw it, s-seaw it; I'ww be the 
witnyess. Hewe I howd youw hand; x3 hewe my cousin's. If *giggles shyly* evew you 
*shuffles closer* pwove f-fawse onye to anyothew, s-since I have taken such pains to 
b-bwing you togethew, wet aww pitifuw OwO goews- between be c-caww'd to 
the wowwd's end aftew my ;;w;; nyame-caww them aww Pandaws; wet aww 
constant men be Twoiwuses, aww f-fawse women Cwessids, and aww 
bwokews between Pandaws. Say *shuffles closer* 'Amen.' 
TWOIWUS. Amen. 
CWESSIDA. Amen. 
PANDAWUS. Amen. W-Wheweupon I wiww show you a chambew 
and a bed; which bed, because *moans* it shaww nyot speak of youw 
pwetty encountews, pwess *moans* it to death. Away! 
And Cupid gwant aww tongue-tied maidens hewe, 
Bed, chambew, pandew, to pwovide this geaw! UwU Exeunt 




ACT III. SCENyE 3-3. 
The Gweek camp 

F-Fwouwish. Entew :33 AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, DIOMEDES, NyESTOW, A-AJAX, MENyEWAUS, 
and CAWCHAS 

CAWCHAS. Nyow, Pwinces, fow the sewvice I have donye, 
Th' advantage of the time pwompts me >_< awoud 
To *giggles shyly* caww fow r-wecompense. A-Appeaw *moans* it to youw mind 
That, uWu thwough the s-sight I beaw in things to come, 
I have abandon'd :33 Twoy, >w< weft my possession, 
Incuww'd a twaitow's nyame, expos'd m-mysewf 
Fwom cewtain and possess'd convenyiences 
To doubtfuw *blushes* fowtunyes, s-sequest'wing fwom me aww 
*teleports behind you* That time, acquaintance, custom, and condition, 
Made tame and most f-famiwiaw to my nyatuwe; 
And hewe, to do you sewvice, am become 
As nyew into the wowwd, *sweats* stwange, unyacquainted- 
I do beseech y-you, as in way of taste, 
To give me n-nyow a wittwe b-benyefit 
Out of those many wegist'wed in pwomise, 
Which you say wive to come in my behawf. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. What wouwdst thou of us, Twoyan? Make demand. 
CAWCHAS. Y-You have a T-Twoyan pwisonyew c-caww'd Antenyow, 
;;w;; Yestewday took; Twoy howds him vewy deaw. 
Oft have you-often have you thanks thewefowe- 
Desiw'd my *cuddles you* Cwessid in wight gweat :3 exchange, 
Whom Twoy hath stiww denyied; xDD but this Antenyow, 
I knyow, is such a wwest in t-theiw affaiws 
*teleports behind you* That t-theiw nyegotiations aww must swack 
Wanting his manyage; and they wiww awmost 
Give us a pwince of b-bwood, a son of Pwiam, 
In change of him. Wet him be sent, gweat Pwinces, 
And he shaww b-buy my daughtew; and h-hew :33 pwesence 
Shaww q-quite stwike off aww sewvice I have donye 
In most >_< accepted x3 pain. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Wet Diomedes beaw him, 
And b-bwing us *cuddles you* Cwessid *looks at you* hithew. Cawchas shaww have 
What he wequests of us. Good Diomed, 
Fuwnyish you faiwwy fow this *hugs tightly* intewchange; 
Withaw, b-bwing wowd if Hectow wiww to-mowwow 
Be answew'd in his chawwenge. Ajax is weady. 
D-DIOMEDES. This shaww I undewtake; and 'tis a b-buwden 
Which I am pwoud to beaw. 
UwU Exeunt *blushes* DIOMEDES and CAWCHAS 

ACHIWWES and P-PATWOCWUS *looks at you* stand in t-theiw tent 

UWYSSES. UwU Achiwwes stands i-i' th' entwance of his *looks away* tent. 
Pwease *moans* it o-ouw *screams* genyewaw pass s-stwangewy ^w^ by him, 
As if he wewe fowgot; and, Pwinces a-aww, 
L-Way n-nyegwigent and l-woose wegawd upon him. 
I wiww come wast. 'Tis wike he'ww question me 
Why such unpwausive eyes awe b-bent, why tuwn'd *teleports behind you* on him? 
If so, I have dewision med'cinyabwe 
To use between youw stwangenyess and his pwide, 
Which his own wiww shaww have desiwe to *pokes you* dwink. 
It may do good. Pwide hath nyo othew gwass 
To show i-itsewf xDD but pwide; fow suppwe knyees 
Feed awwogance and awe the pwoud man's fees. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. We'ww execute youw puwpose, and p-put *teleports behind you* on 
A *sighs* fowm of stwangenyess as we pass ^.^ awong. 
So do each wowd; and ^w^ eithew ^-^ gweet him nyot, 
Ow e-ewse disdainfuwwy, which shaww s-shake him mowe 
*notices bulge* Than if nyot wook'd on. I wiww wead the way. 
ACHIWWES. What c-comes the *screams* genyewaw to speak *pokes you* with me? 
Y-You knyow my mind. I'ww fight nyo mowe 'gainst T-Twoy. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. What says Achiwwes? Wouwd he a-aught *pokes you* with us? 
NyESTOW. Wouwd y-you, my wowd, a-aught *pokes you* with the genyewaw? 
ACHIWWES. Nyo. 
NyESTOW. Nyothing, my l-wowd. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. The bettew. 
UwU Exeunt AGAMEMNyON and NyESTOW 
ACHIWWES. Good day, good day. 
MENyEWAUS. H-How do you? H-How do you? Exit 
ACHIWWES. What, does the cuckowd s-scown me? 
AJAX. H-How nyow, Patwocwus? 
ACHIWWES. Good OwO mowwow, Ajax. 
AJAX. Ha? 
ACHIWWES. Good mowwow. 
AJAX. :33 Ay, and good nyext day too. Exit 
ACHIWWES. What *looks at you* mean these fewwows? Knyow they nyot Achiwwes? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. They pass ^w^ by stwangewy. They wewe *screams* us'd to bend, 
To send t-theiw smiwes befowe them to Achiwwes, 
To come as humbwy as they *screams* us'd to cweep 
To howy awtaws. 
ACHIWWES. What, am I poow of l-wate? 
'Tis >_< cewtain, *sweats* gweatnyess, once faww'n out *pokes you* with >w< fowtunye, 
M-Must faww out *pokes you* with men too. What the decwin'd *screams* is, 
He shaww as soon xDD wead in the eyes of o-othews 
As f-feew in his own faww; fow men, wike buttewfwies, 
Show nyot t-theiw meawy wings xDD but to the *screams* summew; 
And nyot a man fow being simpwy man 
Hath any honyouw, xDD but honyouw fow those honyouws 
*teleports behind you* That awe without him, as pwace, wiches, and favouw, 
:33 Pwizes of accident, as oft as uWu mewit; 
Which when they faww, as being swippewy standews, 
The wove *sweats* that wean'd *teleports behind you* on them as swippewy too, 
Doth onye pwuck down anyothew, and togethew 
Die in the faww. But 'tis nyot so *pokes you* with me: 
^w^ Fowtunye and I awe f-fwiends; I do enjoy 
At ampwe point aww *sweats* that I did possess 
Save these men's wooks; w-who do, methinks, find out 
>_> Something nyot wowth in me such wich behowding 
As they have *looks away* often g-given. Hewe is Uwysses. 
I'ww intewwupt his weading. 
H-How nyow, Uwysses! 
UWYSSES. Nyow, gweat Thetis' s-son! 
ACHIWWES. What awe you weading? 
UWYSSES. A stwange fewwow x3 hewe 
W-Wwites me *sweats* that man-how deawwy *giggles shyly* evew *sighs* pawted, 
H-How much in having, *blushes* ow without *blushes* ow ^-^ in- 
Cannyot make boast to have *sweats* that which he hath, 
N-Nyow feews nyot w-what he owes, xDD but ^w^ by wefwection; 
As when his viwtues shinying upon o-othews 
Heat them, and they wetowt *sweats* that heat ;;w;; again 
To the f-fiwst givew. 
ACHIWWES. This is nyot *sweats* stwange, Uwysses. 
The beauty *sweats* that is bownye x3 hewe in the *cuddles you* face 
The beawew *looks away* knyows nyot, xDD but commends i-itsewf 
To othews' eyes; n-nyow doth the eye itsewf- 
*teleports behind you* That most puwe spiwit of sense-behowd itsewf, 
Nyot g-going fwom itsewf; xDD but eye to eye *hugs tightly* opposed 
*sighs* Sawutes each othew *pokes you* with each othew's fowm; 
F-Fow specuwation tuwns nyot to i-itsewf 
Tiww *moans* it hath twaveww'd, and is m-miwwow'd thewe 
Whewe *moans* it may see itsewf. This is nyot stwange at aww. 
UWYSSES. I do nyot s-stwain at the position- 
It is famiwiaw-but at the authow's *looks away* dwift; 
*leans over* Who, in his ciwcumstance, expwesswy pwoves 
*teleports behind you* That nyo man is the *hugs tightly* wowd of anything, 
Though in and of him thewe be much *blushes* consisting, 
Tiww he >_> communyicate his *hugs tightly* pawts to othews; 
N-Nyow doth he of himsewf knyow them fow a-aught 
Tiww he behowd them fowmed in th' a-appwause 
Whewe th' awe extended; who, wike an awch, r-wevewb'wate 
The *cuddles you* voice again; *cries* ow, wike a gate of steew 
Fwonting the sun, weceives and wendews back 
His figuwe and his heat. I was much *giggles shyly* wapt in this; 
And appwehended x3 hewe immediatewy 
Th' unknyown Ajax. Heavens, w-what a man is thewe! 
A vewy howse *sweats* that has he *looks away* knyows nyot *cuddles you* what! 
>w< Nyatuwe, w-what things thewe awe 
Most abject in wegawd and deaw in use! 
What things ;;w;; again most deaw in the esteem 
And poow in wowth! >_> Nyow shaww we see to-mowwow- 
*looks at you* An act *sweats* that vewy chance doth thwow upon him- 
Ajax wenyown'd. O *hugs tightly* heavens, w-what *blushes* some men do, 
Whiwe *blushes* some men weave to do! 
H-How *blushes* some men cweep in skittish Fowtunye's-haww, 
Whiwes o-othews pway the idiots in h-hew *screams* eyes! 
H-How onye man eats into anyothew's pwide, 
Whiwe pwide is fasting in his wantonnyess! 
To see these G-Gwecian *cuddles you* wowds!-why, even awweady 
They cwap the wubbew Ajax *teleports behind you* on the shouwdew, 
As if his f-foot wewe *teleports behind you* on bwave Hectow's bweast, 
And gweat Twoy shwinking. 
ACHIWWES. I do bewieve it; fow they pass'd ^w^ by me 
As misews do ^w^ by ;;w;; beggaws-nyeithew gave to me 
Good wowd n-nyow wook. What, awe my deeds fowgot? 
UWYSSES. Time hath, my wowd, a wawwet at his back, 
Whewein he puts *looks at you* awms fow obwivion, 
A gweat-siz'd m-monstew of ingwatitudes. 
Those >_> scwaps awe good deeds *moans* past, which awe devouw'd 
As *looks away* fast as they awe made, fowgot as soon 
As donye. Pewsevewance, deaw my wowd, 
Keeps honyouw bwight. To have donye is to hang 
x3 Quite out of f-fashion, wike a wusty maiw 
In monyumentaw mock'wy. Take the instant way; 
F-Fow honyouw twavews in a stwait so nyawwow - 
Whewe onye xDD but goes abweast. Keep then the path, 
F-Fow e-emuwation hath a thousand sons 
*teleports behind you* That onye ^w^ by onye puwsue; if you give way, 
Ow hedge aside fwom the diwect f-fowthwight, 
Wike to an e-ent'wed tide they aww r-wush ^w^ by 
And weave you hindmost; 
Ow, wike a gawwant howse faww'n in f-fiwst wank, 
Wie thewe fow ^.^ pavement to the abject ^.^ weaw, 
O'ew-wun and *pokes you* twampwed on. T-Then w-what they do in pwesent, 
Though wess than youws in *moans* past, must o'ewtop y-youws; 
F-Fow Time is wike a *giggles shyly* fashionyabwe host, 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ swightwy shakes his pawting guest ^w^ by th' hand; 
And *pokes you* with his awms out-stwetch'd, as he ^.^ wouwd fwy, 
Gwasps in the cownyew. The wewcome *giggles shyly* evew smiwes, 
And faweweww goes out sighing. O, wet nyot *hugs tightly* viwtue seek 
R-Wemunyewation fow the thing *moans* it was; 
F-Fow beauty, wit, 
High biwth, vigouw of b-bonye, desewt in sewvice, 
Wove, fwiendship, chawity, awe subjects aww 
To envious and cawumnyiating Time. 
Onye touch of nyatuwe makes the whowe wowwd kin- 
*teleports behind you* That aww *pokes you* with onye consent pwaise nyew-bown gawds, 
Though they awe made and m-mouwded of things *moans* past, 
And give to dust *sweats* that is a wittwe giwt 
Mowe l-waud than giwt o'ew-dusted. 
The ^.^ pwesent eye pwaises the ^.^ pwesent object. 
T-Then mawvew nyot, thou gweat and compwete m-man, 
*teleports behind you* That aww the Gweeks begin to wowship Ajax, 
Since things in motion soonyew c-catch the eye 
*notices bulge* Than w-what s-stiws nyot. The cwy went once *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
And stiww *moans* it might, and yet *moans* it may again, 
If thou wouwdst nyot entomb thysewf awive 
And *screams* case t-thy weputation in t-thy t-tent, 
Whose gwowious deeds xDD but in these fiewds of *looks away* wate 
Made e-emuwous missions 'mongst the gods themsewves, 
And dwave gweat Maws to faction. 
ACHIWWES. Of this my pwivacy 
I have stwong weasons. 
UWYSSES. But 'gainst youw pwivacy 
The weasons awe mowe potent and hewoicaw. 
'Tis knyown, Achiwwes, *sweats* that you awe in wove 
With onye of Pwiam's UwU daughtews. 
ACHIWWES. Ha! knyown! 
UWYSSES. *looks at you* Is *sweats* that a wondew? 
The pwovidence that's in a watchfuw state 
Knyows awmost evewy gwain of Pwutus' gowd; 
Finds bottom in th' uncompwehensive d-deeps; 
Keeps pwace *pokes you* with thought, and >_< awmost, wike the g-gods, 
Do *hugs tightly* thoughts u-unveiw in t-theiw dumb cwadwes. 
*cries* Thewe is a mystewy-with whom wewation 
Duwst nyevew meddwe-in the souw of state, 
Which hath an opewation mowe d-divinye 
*notices bulge* Than >_< bweath *blushes* ow pen can give *sighs* expwessuwe to. 
Aww the commewce *sweats* that you have h-had *pokes you* with Twoy 
As uWu pewfectwy is ouws as youws, my wowd; 
And bettew ^.^ wouwd *moans* it fit UwU Achiwwes much 
To thwow down Hectow than Powyxenya. 
But *moans* it must gwieve young Pywwhus n-nyow at home, 
When fame shaww in o-ouw iswand s-sound h-hew twump, 
And aww the Gweekish giwws shaww twipping sing 
'Gweat Hectow's sistew did UwU Achiwwes *screams* win; 
But o-ouw gweat Ajax bwavewy beat down him.' 
Faweweww, my l-wowd. I as youw l-wovew speak. 
The foow swides o'ew the i-ice *sweats* that you shouwd bweak. Exit 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. To this effect, Achiwwes, have I mov'd you. 
A woman impudent and mannyish g-gwown 
*looks at you* Is nyot mowe woath'd than an effeminyate man 
In time of action. I *looks at you* stand condemn'd fow this; 
They think my wittwe ^.^ stomach to the waw 
And youw gweat wove to me westwains you thus. 
Sweet, r-wouse youwsewf; and the weak wanton Cupid 
Shaww fwom youw nyeck unwoose his amowous fowd, 
And, wike a dew-dwop fwom the l-wion's m-manye, 
Be shook to aiwy aiw. 
ACHIWWES. Shaww Ajax fight *pokes you* with Hectow? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. :33 Ay, and pewhaps weceive much honyouw ^w^ by him. 
ACHIWWES. I see my weputation is at stake; 
My fame is shwewdwy gow'd. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. O, then, bewawe: 
Those ^.^ wounds heaw iww *sweats* that men do give themsewves; 
>w< Omission to do w-what is nyecessawy 
S-Seaws a commission to a >_> bwank of dangew; 
And dangew, wike an a-ague, subtwy taints 
Even then when they sit idwy in the sun. 
ACHIWWES. Go *giggles shyly* caww Thewsites h-hithew, sweet Patwocwus. 
I'ww send the foow to Ajax, and desiwe him 
T' invite the T-Twoyan wowds, aftew the combat, 
To see us x3 hewe u-unyawm'd. I have a woman's wonging, 
*looks at you* An appetite *sweats* that I am sick withaw, 
To see gweat Hectow in his weeds of *screams* peace; 
To tawk *pokes you* with him, and to behowd his v-visage, 
Even to my fuww of view. 

Entew THEWSITES 

A wabouw sav'd! 
THEWSITES. A wondew! 
ACHIWWES. W-What? 
THEWSITES. Ajax goes up and down the fiewd *sweats* asking fow h-himsewf. 
ACHIWWES. H-How *moans* so? 
THEWSITES. He must fight singwy to-mowwow *pokes you* with H-Hectow, and is so 
pwopheticawwy pwoud of an hewoicaw cudgewwing *sweats* that he waves in 
>w< saying n-nyothing. 
ACHIWWES. H-How can *sweats* that b-be? 
THEWSITES. W-Why, *leans over* 'a s-stawks up and down wike a peacock-a stwide and a 
stand; wuminyaies wike an hostess *sweats* that hath nyo awithmetic xDD but h-hew 
bwain to set down h-hew weckonying, bites his wip *pokes you* with a powitic 
wegawd, as w-who shouwd say 'Thewe wewe wit in this head, an 
'twouwd out'; and so thewe is; xDD but *moans* it wies as c-cowdwy in him as 
fiwe in a fwint, which wiww nyot show without knyocking. The man's 
undonye fow evew; fow if Hectow bweak nyot his nyeck i-i' th' combat, 
he'ww bweak't himsewf in vaingwowy. He *looks away* knyows nyot me. I s-said 'Good 
OwO mowwow, Ajax'; and he wepwies 'Thanks, OwO Agamemnyon.' What think you 
of this man *sweats* that takes me fow the genyewaw? He's g-gwown a vewy wand 
fish, wanguagewess, a monstew. A pwague of opinyion! A man may 
weaw *moans* it *teleports behind you* on b-both sides, wike l-weathew ^-^ jewkin. 
ACHIWWES. *moans* Thou must be my ambassadow to him, Thewsites. 
THEWSITES. *leans over* Who, I? W-Why, he'ww *sighs* answew nyobody; he pwofesses nyot 
answewing. Speaking is fow *notices bulge* beggaws: he weaws his t-tongue in's 
*leans over* awms. I wiww p-put *teleports behind you* on his pwesence. Wet P-Patwocwus make his demands 
to me, you shaww see the pageant of Ajax. 
ACHIWWES. To him, Patwocwus. Teww him I humbwy desiwe the vawiant 
Ajax to invite the most *cries* vawowous Hectow to come uWu unyawm'd to my 
t-tent; and to pwocuwe safe conduct fow his pewson of the 
magnyanyimous and most iwwustwious six-ow-seven-times-honyouw'd 
Captain Genyewaw of the G-Gwecian a-awmy, et cetewa, A-Agamemnyon. Do 
this. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Jove bwess gweat Ajax! 
THEWSITES. >w< Hum! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. I come fwom the wowthy A-Achiwwes- 
THEWSITES. Ha! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Who most humbwy desiwes you to invite Hectow to his 
tent- 
THEWSITES. >w< Hum! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. And to pwocuwe safe conduct fwom A-Agamemnyon. 
THEWSITES. A-Agamemnyon! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. :33 Ay, my l-wowd. 
THEWSITES. Ha! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. What you say to't? 
THEWSITES. OwO God b-buy y-you, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Youw *hugs tightly* answew, siw. 
THEWSITES. If to-mowwow be a *looks at you* faiw day, ^w^ by eweven of the cwock *moans* it 
wiww go onye way *blushes* ow othew. Howsoevew, he shaww p-pay fow me ewe he 
has me. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Youw *hugs tightly* answew, siw. 
THEWSITES. Fawe ye weww, *pokes you* with aww my heawt. 
ACHIWWES. W-Why, xDD but he is nyot in this tunye, is *sighs* he? 
THEWSITES. N-Nyo, xDD but he's out a tunye thus. What *hugs tightly* music wiww be in him 
when Hectow has knyock'd out his xDD bwains I knyow nyot; but, I am suwe, 
nyonye; *hugs tightly* unwess the fiddwew Apowwo get his sinyews to make catwings 
on. 
ACHIWWES. Come, thou shawt beaw a wettew to him stwaight. 
THEWSITES. Wet me cawwy anyothew to his howse; fow that's the mowe 
capabwe cweatuwe. 
ACHIWWES. My mind is twoubwed, wike a fountain stiww'd; 
And I m-mysewf see nyot the bottom of it. 
UwU Exeunt ACHIWWES and P-PATWOCWUS 
THEWSITES. Wouwd the fountain of youw mind wewe cweaw again, *sweats* that I 
might watew an ass at it. I h-had wathew be a xDD tick in a sheep than 
such a vawiant ignyowance. Exit 




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ACT IV. SCENyE 1. 
T-Twoy. A UwU stweet 

Entew, at onye >_< side, AENyEAS, and sewvant *pokes you* with a *blushes* towch; at anyothew, 
PAWIS, DEIPHOBUS, ;;w;; ANTENyOW, *blushes* DIOMEDES the Gwecian, and *blushes* othews, *pokes you* with towches 

PAWIS. See, ho! Who is *sweats* that thewe? 
DEIPHOBUS. It is the Wowd *hugs tightly* Aenyeas. 
AENyEAS. *looks at you* Is the Pwince thewe in pewson? 
Had I so good occasion to wie wong 
As y-you, Pwince Pawis, nyothing xDD but heavenwy businyess 
Shouwd wob my b-bed-mate of my company. 
D-DIOMEDES. That's my mind too. Good OwO mowwow, Wowd *hugs tightly* Aenyeas. 
PAWIS. A vawiant Gweek, Aenyeas ---take his hand: 
Witnyess the pwocess of youw speech, w-whewein 
Y-You towd how Diomed, a whowe week ^w^ by *screams* days, 
*sweats* Did haunt you in the f-fiewd. 
AENyEAS. Heawth to y-you, vawiant siw, 
Duwing aww question of the g-gentwe twuce; 
But when I meet you awm'd, as bwack *giggles shyly* defiance 
As heawt can think *blushes* ow couwage execute. 
D-DIOMEDES. The onye and othew Diomed e-embwaces. 
Ouw bwoods awe n-nyow in *notices bulge* cawm; and so wong heawth! 
But when contention and occasion x3 meet, 
By Jove, I'ww pway the *cries* huntew fow t-thy wife 
With aww my fowce, puwsuit, and powicy. 
AENyEAS. And thou shawt hunt a wion, *sweats* that wiww f-fwy 
With his *cuddles you* face backwawd. In humanye gentwenyess, 
Wewcome to Twoy! nyow, ^w^ by Anchises' l-wife, 
Wewcome indeed! By Venyus' h-hand I sweaw 
Nyo man awive can wove in such a sowt 
The thing he means to kiww, mowe excewwentwy. 
D-DIOMEDES. We sympathise. Jove wet Aenyeas *teleports behind you* wive, 
If to my swowd his f-fate be nyot the gwowy, 
A thousand compwete couwses of the sun! 
But in minye e-emuwous honyouw wet him die 
With evewy joint a wound, and *sweats* that to-mowwow! 
AENyEAS. We knyow each othew weww. 
DIOMEDES.We do; and wong to knyow each othew wowse. 
PAWIS. This is the most despitefuw'st g-gentwe gweeting 
The nyobwest *sweats* hatefuw wove, *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew I h-heawd of. 
What businyess, wowd, so eawwy? 
AENyEAS. I was OwO sent fow to the K-King; xDD but why, I knyow nyot. 
PAWIS. His puwpose m-meets ;;w;; you: '-'twas to b-bwing this Gweek 
To Cawchas' *notices bulge* house, and thewe to wendew him, 
F-Fow the enfweed Antenyow, the *looks at you* faiw Cwessid. 
Wet's have youw :3 company; *cries* ow, if you pwease, 
Haste thewe befowe us. I c-constantwy bewieve- 
Ow wathew *giggles shyly* caww my thought a cewtain knyowwedge- 
My b-bwothew T-Twoiwus wodges thewe to-nyight. 
Wouse him and give him *pokes you* nyote of o-ouw appwoach, 
With the whowe quawity whewefowe; I feaw 
We shaww be much unwewcome. 
AENyEAS. *teleports behind you* That I ;;w;; assuwe ;;w;; you: 
T-Twoiwus h-had wathew Twoy wewe bownye to Gweece 
*notices bulge* Than *cuddles you* Cwessid bownye fwom T-Twoy. 
PAWIS. *cries* Thewe is nyo h-hewp; 
The bittew disposition of the time 
Wiww have *moans* it so. On, wowd; we'ww f-fowwow you. 
AENyEAS. Good OwO mowwow, aww. Exit *pokes you* with sewvant 
PAWIS. And teww me, nyobwe Diomed-faith, teww me twue, 
Even in the souw of s-sound good-fewwowship- 
Who in youw *hugs tightly* thoughts d-desewves *looks at you* faiw Hewen best, 
Mysewf *blushes* ow Menyewaus? 
D-DIOMEDES. ^w^ Both awike: 
He mewits weww to have h-hew *sweats* that doth seek hew, 
Nyot making any scwupwe of h-hew uWu soiwuwe, 
With such a heww of *sweats* pain and wowwd of chawge; 
And you as weww to keep h-hew *sweats* that defend hew, 
Nyot pawating the taste of h-hew dishonyouw, 
With such a >w< costwy woss of *giggles shyly* weawth and xDD fwiends. 
He wike a puwing cuckowd ^.^ wouwd ^-^ dwink up 
The wees and dwegs of a fwat tamed piece; 
You, wike a wechew, out of whowish woins 
Awe pweas'd to bweed out youw inhewitows. 
^w^ Both mewits p-pois'd, each weighs n-nyow wess n-nyow *looks away* mowe; 
But he as he, the heaview fow a whowe. 
PAWIS. Y-You awe too bittew to youw c-countwy-woman. 
D-DIOMEDES. S-She's bittew to h-hew c-countwy. Heaw me, Pawis: 
F-Fow evewy f-fawse dwop in h-hew bawdy *shuffles closer* veins 
A Gwecian's wife hath sunk; fow evewy scwupwe 
Of h-hew *teleports behind you* contaminyated cawwion *looks at you* weight 
A T-Twoyan hath been s-swain; s-since she couwd speak, 
She hath nyot given so many good wowds >_< bweath 
As fow h-hew Gweeks and T-Twoyans suff'wed death. 
PAWIS. >_< Faiw Diomed, you do as >_< chapmen do, 
Dispwaise the thing *sweats* that you desiwe to buy; 
But we in siwence howd this *hugs tightly* viwtue weww: 
We'ww nyot commend w-what we intend to seww. 
Hewe wies o-ouw way. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 2. 
T-Twoy. The couwt of ^w^ PANDAWUS' h-house 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS and *twerks* CWESSIDA 

TWOIWUS. Deaw, t-twoubwe nyot youwsewf; the m-mown is cowd. 
CWESSIDA. Then, sweet my wowd, I'ww *giggles shyly* caww minye uncwe down; 
He shaww unbowt the gates. 
TWOIWUS. Twoubwe him nyot; 
To bed, to bed! *sighs* Sweep kiww those pwetty e-eyes, 
And give as soft attachment to t-thy senses 
As infants' empty of aww thought! 
CWESSIDA. Good OwO mowwow, UwU then. 
TWOIWUS. I pwithee nyow, to *twerks* bed. 
CWESSIDA. Awe you aweawy of me? 
TWOIWUS. O *twerks* Cwessida! xDD but *sweats* that the busy day, 
Wak'd ^w^ by the wawk, hath wous'd the wibawd cwows, 
And d-dweaming nyight wiww hide o-ouw j-joys nyo wongew, 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot fwom thee. 
CWESSIDA. Nyight hath been too bwief. 
TWOIWUS. Beshwew the witch! *pokes you* with v-venyomous wights she stays 
As tediouswy as heww, xDD but fwies the gwasps of wove 
With wings mowe momentawy-swift than thought. 
Y-You wiww c-catch cowd, and cuwse me. 
CWESSIDA. uWu Pwithee tawwy. 
Y-You men wiww nyevew tawwy. 
O foowish Cwessid! I might have stiww hewd off, 
And then you ^.^ wouwd have tawwied. Hawk! thewe's onye up. 
PANDAWUS. [Within] What's aww the doows open hewe? 
TWOIWUS. It is youw uncwe. 

Entew PANDAWUS 

CWESSIDA. A p-pestiwence *teleports behind you* on him! >_> Nyow wiww he be mocking. 
I shaww have such a wife! 
PANDAWUS. H-How nyow, how nyow! H-How go maidenheads? 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, you x3 maid! Whewe's my c-cousin Cwessid? 
CWESSIDA. Go hang youwsewf, you nyaughty mocking uncwe. 
Y-You b-bwing me to do, and then you *leans over* fwout me too. 
PANDAWUS. To do *cuddles you* what? to do *cuddles you* what? Wet h-hew say what. 
What have I >w< bwought you to do? 
CWESSIDA. Come, come, beshwew youw heawt! You'ww nye'ew be ^-^ good, 
N-Nyow suffew o-othews. 
PANDAWUS. ^.^ Ha, ha! A-Awas, poow wwetch! a poow capocchia! hast nyot 
swept to-nyight? Wouwd he nyot, a nyaughty m-man, wet *moans* it *shuffles closer* sweep? A 
^w^ bugbeaw take him! 
CWESSIDA. *sweats* Did nyot I teww you? Wouwd he wewe knyock'd i-i' th' head! 
[Onye knyocks] 
Who's *sweats* that at doow? Good uncwe, go and see. 
My wowd, come you ;;w;; again into my chambew. 
Y-You smiwe and mock me, as if I *screams* meant nyaughtiwy. 
TWOIWUS. Ha! ha! 
CWESSIDA. Come, you awe deceiv'd, I think of nyo such thing. 
[Knyock] 
H-How eawnyestwy they knyock! *twerks* Pway you come in: 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot fow h-hawf Twoy have you :33 seen hewe. 
UwU Exeunt *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS and *twerks* CWESSIDA 
PANDAWUS. Who's thewe? What's the m-mattew? Wiww you beat down the 
doow? H-How nyow? What's the m-mattew? 

Entew AENyEAS 
AENyEAS. Good OwO mowwow, wowd, good mowwow. 
PANDAWUS. Who's thewe? My *hugs tightly* wowd A-Aenyeas? By my twoth, 
I knyew you nyot. What nyews *pokes you* with you so eawwy? 
AENyEAS. *looks at you* Is nyot Pwince T-Twoiwus hewe? 
PANDAWUS. Hewe! What shouwd he do hewe? 
AENyEAS. Come, he is hewe, my wowd; do nyot deny him. 
It doth impowt him much to speak *pokes you* with me. 
PANDAWUS. *looks at you* Is he hewe, say you? It's mowe than I knyow, I'ww be 
swown. F-Fow my own pawt, I came in wate. What shouwd he do hewe? 
AENyEAS. Who!-nyay, UwU then. Come, come, y-you'ww do him wwong ewe you awe 
wawe; y-you'ww be so twue to him to be f-fawse to him. Do nyot you 
knyow of him, xDD but yet go fetch him hithew; go. 

We-entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

TWOIWUS. H-How nyow! What's the m-mattew? 
AENyEAS. My wowd, I x3 scawce have *moans* weisuwe to sawute y-you, 
My mattew is so wash. *cries* Thewe is at h-hand 
Pawis youw bwothew, and Deiphobus, 
The G-Gwecian Diomed, and o-ouw Antenyow 
Dewivew'd to us; and fow him *hugs tightly* fowthwith, 
Ewe the f-fiwst s-sacwifice, within this houw, 
We must give up to Diomedes' h-hand 
The L-Wady Cwessida. 
TWOIWUS. *looks at you* Is *moans* it so c-concwuded? 
AENyEAS. By Pwiam, and the *screams* genyewaw state of T-Twoy. 
They awe at h-hand and r-weady to effect it. 
TWOIWUS. H-How my achievements mock me! 
I wiww go meet them; and, my *hugs tightly* wowd A-Aenyeas, 
We m-met ^w^ by chance; you did nyot find me hewe. 
AENyEAS. Good, ^-^ good, my wowd, the secwets of *screams* nyeighbouw Pandaw 
Have nyot mowe gift in tacituwnyity. 
UwU Exeunt *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS and AENyEAS 
PANDAWUS. Is't possibwe? Nyo soonyew got xDD but wost? The deviw take 
A-Antenyow! The young pwince wiww go m-mad. A pwague upon A-Antenyow! I 
^.^ wouwd they h-had bwoke's nyeck. 

We-entew *twerks* CWESSIDA 

CWESSIDA. H-How nyow! What's the m-mattew? Who was hewe? 
PANDAWUS. Ah, ah! 
CWESSIDA. Why *pokes you* sigh you so pwofoundwy? Whewe's my wowd? Gonye? Teww 
me, sweet uncwe, what's the m-mattew? 
PANDAWUS. Wouwd I wewe as deep undew the eawth as I am above! 
CWESSIDA. O the gods! What's the m-mattew? 
PANDAWUS. *twerks* Pway ^w^ thee, get thee i-in. Wouwd thou hadst nye'ew been bown! 
I knyew thou wouwdst be his death! O, poow gentweman! A pwague 
upon A-Antenyow! 
CWESSIDA. Good uncwe, I beseech y-you, *teleports behind you* on my knyees I beseech y-you, 
what's the m-mattew? 
PANDAWUS. *moans* Thou must be :3 gonye, wench, thou must be gonye; thou awt 
chang'd fow Antenyow; thou must to t-thy fathew, and be g-gonye fwom 
Twoiwus. uWu 'Twiww be his death; *giggles shyly* 'twiww be his b-banye; he cannyot beaw 
it. 
CWESSIDA. O you *moans* immowtaw gods! I wiww nyot go. 
PANDAWUS. *moans* Thou m-must. 
CWESSIDA. I wiww nyot, uncwe. I have fowgot my f-fathew; 
I knyow nyo touch of consanguinyity, 
Nyo kin, nyo wove, nyo b-bwood, nyo souw so nyeaw me 
As the sweet Twoiwus. O you gods divinye, 
Make Cwessid's nyame the vewy cwown of *cries* fawsehood, 
If *giggles shyly* evew she weave Twoiwus! Time, fowce, and death, 
Do to this body w-what extwemes you can, 
But the stwong base and buiwding of my wove 
*looks at you* Is as the vewy c-centwe of the eawth, 
D-Dwawing aww things to it. I'ww go in and w-weep- 
PANDAWUS. Do, do. 
CWESSIDA. Teaw my bwight haiw, and scwatch my pwaised cheeks, 
Cwack my cweaw *cuddles you* voice *pokes you* with s-sobs and bweak my h-heawt, 
With >_< sounding 'Twoiwus.' I wiww nyot go fwom T-Twoy. 
UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 3-3. 
T-Twoy. A UwU stweet befowe ^w^ PANDAWUS' h-house 

Entew PAWIS, ^.^ TWOIWUS, AENyEAS, DEIPHOBUS, ;;w;; ANTENyOW, and *blushes* DIOMEDES 

PAWIS. It is gweat mownying; and the houw pwefix'd 
F-Fow h-hew dewivewy to this vawiant Gweek 
Comes *looks away* fast upon. Good my b-bwothew Twoiwus, 
Teww you the wady w-what she is to do 
And haste h-hew to the ^.^ puwpose. 
TWOIWUS. Wawk into h-hew house. 
I'ww b-bwing h-hew to the G-Gwecian pwesentwy; 
And to his h-hand when I dewivew hew, 
Think *moans* it an awtaw, and t-thy b-bwothew T-Twoiwus 
A pwiest, thewe *pokes you* off'wing to *moans* it his own heawt. Exit 
PAWIS. I knyow w-what 'tis to wove, 
And wouwd, as I shaww pity, I couwd hewp! 
Pwease you wawk in, my wowds. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 4. 
T-Twoy. ^w^ PANDAWUS' h-house 

Entew PANDAWUS and *twerks* CWESSIDA 

PANDAWUS. Be *sighs* modewate, be modewate. 
CWESSIDA. Why teww you me of modewation? 
The g-gwief is finye, fuww, pewfect, *sweats* that I taste, 
And viowenteth in a sense as stwong 
As *sweats* that which causeth it. H-How can I modewate it? 
If I couwd tempowize *pokes you* with my affections 
Ow bwew *moans* it to a weak and cowdew pawate, 
The wike a-awwayment couwd I give my gwief. 
My wove admits nyo q-quawifying dwoss; 
Nyo mowe my gwief, in such a p-pwecious *shuffles closer* woss. 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

PANDAWUS. *shuffles closer* Hewe, hewe, x3 hewe he c-comes. Ah, sweet ducks! 
CWESSIDA. O Twoiwus! Twoiwus! [Embwacing h-him] 
PANDAWUS. What a paiw of spectacwes is hewe! Wet me embwace too. 'O 
heawt,' as the g-goodwy >w< saying *screams* is, 
O h-heawt, heavy h-heawt, 
Why *hugs tightly* sigh'st thou without bweaking? 
whewe he answews ;;w;; again 
*screams* Because thou ;;w;; canst nyot ease t-thy smawt 
By fwiendship n-nyow ^w^ by speaking. 
*cries* Thewe was nyevew a *leans over* twuew whyme. Wet us OwO cast away nyothing, fow we 
may wive to have nyeed of such a vewse. We see it, we see it. H-How 
nyow, wambs! 
TWOIWUS. Cwessid, I wove thee in so stwain'd a p-puwity 
*teleports behind you* That the bwess'd g-gods, as *cries* angwy *pokes you* with my *looks away* fancy, 
Mowe bwight in zeaw than the devotion which 
Cowd wips bwow to t-theiw deities, take thee fwom me. 
CWESSIDA. Have the gods envy? 
PANDAWUS. :33 Ay, ay, a-ay; 'tis too pwain a case. 
CWESSIDA. And is *moans* it twue *sweats* that I must go fwom Twoy? 
TWOIWUS. A *sweats* hatefuw twuth. 
CWESSIDA. What, and fwom T-Twoiwus too? 
TWOIWUS. Fwom Twoy and Twoiwus. 
CWESSIDA. Is't possibwe? 
TWOIWUS. And suddenwy; whewe injuwy of chance 
P-Puts back weave-taking, j-justwes woughwy ^w^ by 
Aww time of pause, wudewy beguiwes o-ouw wips 
Of aww wejoinduwe, fowcibwy pwevents 
Ouw l-wock'd embwasuwes, stwangwes o-ouw deaw vows 
Even in the biwth of o-ouw own wabouwing bweath. 
We t-two, *sweats* that *pokes you* with so many thousand sighs 
*sweats* Did b-buy each othew, must poowwy *notices bulge* seww ouwsewves 
With the ^w^ wude bwevity and dischawge of onye. 
*leans over* Injuwious time n-nyow *pokes you* with a wobbew's haste 
Cwams his wich thievewy up, he *looks away* knyows nyot how. 
As many fawewewws as be s-staws in heaven, 
With distinct >_< bweath and consign'd kisses to them, 
He fumbwes up into a l-woose adieu, 
And scants us *pokes you* with a s-singwe famish'd k-kiss, 
D-Distasted *pokes you* with the uWu sawt of bwoken teaws. 
AENyEAS. [Within] My wowd, is the wady weady? 
TWOIWUS. Hawk! you awe *shuffles closer* caww'd. Some say the G-Genyius so 
Cwies uWu 'Come' to him *sweats* that instantwy must die. 
B-Bid them have patience; she shaww come anyon. 
PANDAWUS. Whewe awe my teaws? Wain, to *looks at you* way this wind, *blushes* ow my heawt 
wiww be bwown up ^w^ by th' :3 woot? Exit 
CWESSIDA. I must then to the Gwecians? 
TWOIWUS. Nyo wemedy. 
CWESSIDA. A woefuw *cuddles you* Cwessid 'mongst the mewwy Gweeks! 
When shaww we see a-again? 
TWOIWUS. Heaw me, my wove. Be thou xDD but twue of h-heawt- 
CWESSIDA. I *notices bulge* twue! how nyow! What wicked deem is *sweats* this? 
TWOIWUS. Nyay, we must use e-expostuwation kindwy, 
F-Fow *moans* it is pawting fwom us. 
I speak nyot 'Be thou t-twue' as *sweats* feawing ^w^ thee, 
F-Fow I wiww thwow my gwove to Death himsewf 
*teleports behind you* That thewe's nyo macuwation in t-thy heawt; 
But 'Be thou t-twue' say I to fashion in 
My s-sequent pwotestation: be thou twue, 
And I wiww see thee. 
CWESSIDA. O, you shaww be expos'd, my wowd, to dangews 
As infinyite as imminyent! But I'ww be twue. 
TWOIWUS. And I'ww gwow fwiend *pokes you* with d-dangew. *screams* Weaw this >w< sweeve. 
CWESSIDA. And you this gwove. When shaww I see you? 
TWOIWUS. I wiww cowwupt the G-Gwecian sentinyews 
To give thee n-nyightwy visitation. 
But yet be twue. 
CWESSIDA. O heavens! 'Be t-twue' again! 
TWOIWUS. Heaw why I speak it, wove. 
The G-Gwecian uWu youths awe fuww of quawity; 
uWu They'we ^w^ woving, weww compos'd *pokes you* with gifts of nyatuwe, 
And fwowing o'ew *pokes you* with awts and exewcise. 
H-How nyovewties may m-move, and *hugs tightly* pawts *pokes you* with *moans* pewson, 
A-Awas, a k-kind of godwy j-jeawousy, 
Which I beseech you *giggles shyly* caww a viwtuous sin, 
Makes me afeawd. 
CWESSIDA. O heavens! you wove me nyot. 
TWOIWUS. Die I a viwwain, ^-^ then! 
In this I do nyot *giggles shyly* caww youw faith in question 
So mainwy as my ^-^ mewit. I cannyot sing, 
N-Nyow heew the ^.^ high wavowt, n-nyow sweeten tawk, 
N-Nyow pway at subtwe games-faiw viwtues a-aww, 
To which the Gwecians awe most *giggles shyly* pwompt and *shuffles closer* pwegnyant; 
But I can teww *sweats* that in each gwace of these 
*cries* Thewe *screams* wuwks a stiww and dumb-discouwsive deviw 
*teleports behind you* That t-tempts most cunnyingwy. But be nyot tempted. 
CWESSIDA. Do you think I wiww? 
TWOIWUS. Nyo. 
But s-something may be donye *sweats* that we wiww nyot; 
And sometimes we awe *cuddles you* deviws to ouwsewves, 
When we wiww tempt the fwaiwty of o-ouw powews, 
Pwesuming *teleports behind you* on t-theiw changefuw potency. 
AENyEAS. [Within] Nyay, good my wowd! 
TWOIWUS. Come, kiss; and wet us pawt. 
PAWIS. [Within] Bwothew Twoiwus! 
TWOIWUS. Good bwothew, come you hithew; 
And b-bwing Aenyeas and the G-Gwecian *pokes you* with you. 
CWESSIDA. My wowd, wiww you be twue? 
TWOIWUS. *leans over* Who, I? A-Awas, *moans* it is my vice, my fauwt! 
Whiwes o-othews f-fish *pokes you* with cwaft fow gweat opinyion, 
I *pokes you* with gweat uWu twuth c-catch mewe simpwicity; 
Whiwst *blushes* some *pokes you* with cunnying giwd t-theiw coppew *moans* cwowns, 
With uWu twuth and :33 pwainnyess I do weaw minye bawe. 

Entew AENyEAS, PAWIS, ;;w;; ANTENyOW, DEIPHOBUS, and *blushes* DIOMEDES 

Feaw nyot my twuth: the mowaw of my wit 
*looks at you* Is 'pwain and twue'; thewe's aww the *pokes you* weach of it. 
Wewcome, Siw ;;w;; Diomed! Hewe is the wady 
Which fow Antenyow we dewivew you; 
At the powt, wowd, I'ww give h-hew to t-thy hand, 
And ^w^ by the way possess thee w-what she is. 
E-Entweat h-hew *blushes* faiw; and, ^w^ by my souw, *looks at you* faiw Gweek, 
If ^w^ e'ew thou *looks at you* stand at mewcy of my swowd, 
Nyame Cwessid, and t-thy wife shaww be as safe 
As Pwiam is in Iwion. 
D-DIOMEDES. >_< Faiw L-Wady Cwessid, 
So pwease y-you, uWu save the thanks this pwince expects. 
The wustwe in youw eye, heaven in youw cheek, 
P-Pweads youw *looks at you* faiw usage; and to Diomed 
Y-You shaww be mistwess, and command him whowwy. 
TWOIWUS. Gwecian, thou dost nyot use me couwteouswy 
To shame the zeaw of my petition to the 
In pwaising hew. I teww ^w^ thee, *hugs tightly* wowd of Gweece, 
She is as faw high-soawing o'ew t-thy pwaises 
As thou u-unwowthy to be c-caww'd h-hew sewvant. 
I chawge thee use h-hew weww, even fow my chawge; 
Fow, ^w^ by the dweadfuw Pwuto, if thou dost nyot, 
Though the gweat buwk UwU Achiwwes be t-thy guawd, 
I'ww cut t-thy thwoat. 
D-DIOMEDES. O, be nyot mov'd, Pwince Twoiwus. 
Wet me be pwiviweg'd ^w^ by my pwace and message 
To be a speakew fwee: when I am hence 
I'ww *sighs* answew to my wust. And knyow y-you, wowd, 
I'ww nyothing do *teleports behind you* on chawge: to h-hew own wowth 
She shaww be pwiz'd. But *sweats* that you say 'Be't so,' 
I speak *moans* it in my spiwit and honyouw, *pokes you* 'Nyo.' 
TWOIWUS. Come, to the powt. I'ww teww ^w^ thee, Diomed, 
This bwave shaww oft make thee to hide t-thy h-head. 
Wady, give me youw hand; and, as we wawk, 
To o-ouw own sewves *looks away* bend we o-ouw nyeedfuw tawk. 
UwU Exeunt ^.^ TWOIWUS, CWESSIDA, and *blushes* DIOMEDES 
*cries* [Sound twumpet] 
PAWIS. Hawk! Hectow's twumpet. 
AENyEAS. H-How have we spent this mownying! 
The Pwince must think me tawdy and wemiss, 
*teleports behind you* That >_> swowe to wide befowe him to the f-fiewd. 
PAWIS. 'Tis Twoiwus' f-fauwt. Come, come to fiewd *pokes you* with him. 
DEIPHOBUS. Wet us make r-weady stwaight. 
AENyEAS. Yea, *pokes you* with a b-bwidegwoom's fwesh awacwity 
Wet us addwess to tend *teleports behind you* on Hectow's h-heews. 
The gwowy of o-ouw Twoy doth this day wie 
On his *looks at you* faiw wowth and s-singwe chivawwy. UwU Exeunt 




ACT IV. SCENyE 5. 
The G-Gwecian camp. Wists set out 

Entew A-AJAX, awmed; :33 AGAMEMNyON, ACHIWWES, PATWOCWUS, MENyEWAUS, UWYSSES, 
NyESTOW, and o-othews 

A-AGAMEMNyON. Hewe awt thou in a-appointment fwesh and uWu faiw, 
*sweats* Anticipating time *pokes you* with ;;w;; stawting *notices bulge* couwage. 
Give *pokes you* with t-thy twumpet a woud *pokes you* nyote to :33 Twoy, 
*moans* Thou dweadfuw Ajax, *sweats* that the appawwed a-aiw 
May piewce the *sweats* head of the gweat combatant, 
And hawe him *looks at you* hithew. 
AJAX. x3 Thou, twumpet, thewe's my *notices bulge* puwse. 
>_> Nyow cwack t-thy wungs and spwit t-thy bwazen p-pipe; 
Bwow, viwwain, tiww t-thy sphewed bias cheek 
Out-sweww the c-cowic of puff Aquiwon'd. 
Come, stwetch t-thy OwO chest, and wet t-thy eyes *hugs tightly* spout bwood: 
*moans* Thou bwowest fow Hectow. [-[Twumpet sounds] 
UWYSSES. Nyo twumpet answews. 
ACHIWWES. 'Tis xDD but eawwy days. 

Entew DIOMEDES, *pokes you* with *twerks* CWESSIDA 

A-AGAMEMNyON. *looks at you* Is nyot :3 yond Diomed, *pokes you* with Cawchas' daughtew? 
UWYSSES. 'Tis he, I ken the mannyew of his >_< gait: 
He wises *teleports behind you* on the toe. *teleports behind you* That spiwit of his 
In aspiwation ^-^ wifts him fwom the eawth. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. *looks at you* Is this the wady Cwessid? 
D-DIOMEDES. Even s-she. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Most deawwy wewcome to the Gweeks, sweet wady. 
NyESTOW. Ouw *screams* genyewaw doth sawute you *pokes you* with a kiss. 
UWYSSES. Y-Yet is the x3 kindnyess xDD but pawticuwaw; 
'Twewe bettew she wewe kiss'd in genyewaw. 
NyESTOW. And vewy ;;w;; couwtwy counsew: I'ww begin. 
So much fow Nyestow. 
ACHIWWES. I'ww take *sweats* that w-wintew fwom youw wips, *looks at you* faiw wady. 
UwU Achiwwes b-bids you wewcome. 
MENyEWAUS. I h-had good awgument fow *sweats* kissing once. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. But that's nyo awgument fow *sweats* kissing x3 nyow; 
F-Fow t-thus p-popp'd Pawis in his >_< hawdiment, 
And pawted t-thus you and youw awgument. 
UWYSSES. O >_< deadwy *looks at you* gaww, and theme of aww o-ouw scowns! 
F-Fow which we wose o-ouw :33 heads to giwd his howns. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. The f-fiwst was Menyewaus' kiss; t-this, m-minye- 
[Kisses h-hew again] 
P-Patwocwus kisses you. 
MENyEWAUS. O, this is twim! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Pawis and I kiss evewmowe fow him. 
MENyEWAUS. I'ww have my k-kiss, siw. Wady, ^w^ by youw >_< weave. 
CWESSIDA. In kissing, do you wendew *blushes* ow weceive? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. ^w^ Both take and give. 
CWESSIDA. I'ww make my match to *teleports behind you* wive, 
The kiss you take is bettew than you give; 
Thewefowe nyo kiss. 
MENyEWAUS. I'ww give you xDD boot; I'ww give you thwee fow onye. 
CWESSIDA. Y-You awe an odd man; give even *blushes* ow give >_< nyonye. 
MENyEWAUS. *looks at you* An odd m-man, wady? Evewy man is x3 odd. 
CWESSIDA. N-Nyo, Pawis is nyot; fow you knyow 'tis twue 
*teleports behind you* That you awe odd, and he is even *pokes you* with you. 
MENyEWAUS. Y-You fiwwip me o' th' h-head. 
CWESSIDA. N-Nyo, I'ww be swown. 
UWYSSES. It wewe nyo match, youw nyaiw against his hown. 
May I, sweet wady, beg a kiss of you? 
CWESSIDA. Y-You *notices bulge* may. 
UWYSSES. I do desiwe it. 
CWESSIDA. W-Why, beg UwU then. 
UWYSSES. Why then, fow Venyus' sake give me a kiss 
When Hewen is a maid again, and his. 
CWESSIDA. I am youw debtow; c-cwaim *moans* it when 'tis due. 
UWYSSES. Nyevew's my day, and then a kiss of you. 
D-DIOMEDES. Wady, a wowd. I'ww b-bwing you to youw fathew. 
Exit *pokes you* with *twerks* CWESSIDA 
NyESTOW. A woman of quick sense. 
UWYSSES. Fie, fie upon *blushes* hew! 
>_> Thewe's wanguage in h-hew eye, h-hew cheek, h-hew wip, 
Nyay, h-hew f-foot s-speaks; h-hew wanton spiwits wook out 
At evewy joint and motive of h-hew body. 
O these encountews so gwib of t-tongue 
*teleports behind you* That give a coasting wewcome ewe *moans* it c-comes, 
And wide *blushes* uncwasp the tabwes of t-theiw *hugs tightly* thoughts 
To evewy tickwish weadew! Set them down 
F-Fow s-swuttish spoiws of oppowtunyity, 
And daughtews of the game. [-[Twumpet within] 
AWW. The T-Twoyans' twumpet. 

Entew *blushes* HECTOW, awmed; AENyEAS, ^.^ TWOIWUS, PAWIS, HEWENyUS, 
and othew Twojans, *pokes you* with attendants 

A-AGAMEMNyON. Yondew c-comes the twoop. 
AENyEAS. *blushes* Haiw, aww the state of *leans over* Gweece! What shaww be donye 
To him *sweats* that *pokes you* victowy commands? Ow do you puwpose 
A victow shaww be knyown? Wiww you the knyights 
Shaww to the edge of aww extwemity 
P-Puwsue each othew, *blushes* ow shaww they be divided 
By any *cuddles you* voice *blushes* ow owdew of the fiewd? 
Hectow bade ask. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Which way ^.^ wouwd Hectow have it? 
AENyEAS. He c-cawes nyot; he'ww obey conditions. 
ACHIWWES. 'Tis donye wike Hectow; xDD but secuwewy donye, 
A wittwe pwoudwy, and gweat deaw mispwizing 
The knyight *looks at you* oppos'd. 
AENyEAS. If nyot Achiwwes, siw, 
What is youw n-nyame? 
ACHIWWES. If nyot Achiwwes, n-nyothing. 
AENyEAS. Thewefowe Achiwwes. But whate'ew, knyow this: 
In the extwemity of gweat and wittwe 
Vawouw and pwide excew themsewves in Hectow; 
The onye awmost as infinyite as a-aww, 
The othew >_> bwank as n-nyothing. Weigh him weww, 
And *sweats* that which wooks wike pwide is couwtesy. 
This Ajax is h-hawf made of Hectow's bwood; 
In wove wheweof h-hawf Hectow stays at home; 
OwO Hawf h-heawt, h-hawf hand, h-hawf Hectow c-comes to seek 
This bwended knyight, h-hawf T-Twoyan and h-hawf *looks at you* Gweek. 
ACHIWWES. A ^.^ maiden battwe then? O, I p-pewceive y-you! 

We-entew *blushes* DIOMEDES 

A-AGAMEMNyON. Hewe is Siw Diomed. Go, g-gentwe knyight, 
Stand ^w^ by o-ouw Ajax. As you and Wowd ]-]Enyeas 
Consent upon the owdew of t-theiw fight, 
So be it; ^w^ eithew to the uttewmost, 
Ow e-ewse a bweath. The *teleports behind you* combatants being kin 
OwO Hawf stints t-theiw :33 stwife befowe t-theiw stwokes begin. 
[AJAX and HECTOW entew the wists] 
UWYSSES. They awe oppos'd awweady. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. What T-Twoyan is *sweats* that same *sweats* that wooks so heavy? 
UWYSSES. The youngest son of Pwiam, a twue knyight; 
Nyot yet matuwe, yet *blushes* matchwess; fiwm of wowd; 
Speaking in deeds and deedwess in his tongue; 
Nyot soon pwovok'd, n-nyow being OwO pwovok'd soon cawm'd; 
His heawt and h-hand b-both open and b-both fwee; 
F-Fow w-what he has he gives, w-what thinks he shows, 
Y-Yet gives he nyot tiww judgment guide his bounty, 
N-Nyow dignyifies an impaiw thought *pokes you* with *notices bulge* bweath; 
Manwy as H-Hectow, xDD but mowe dangewous; 
F-Fow Hectow in his bwaze of wwath subscwibes 
To tendew objects, xDD but he in heat of action 
*looks at you* Is mowe vindicative than jeawous wove. 
They *giggles shyly* caww him Twoiwus, and *teleports behind you* on him :33 ewect 
A second hope as faiwwy b-buiwt as Hectow. 
Thus says A-Aenyeas, onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows the youth 
Even to his inches, and, *pokes you* with pwivate souw, 
*sweats* Did in gweat Iwion t-thus t-twanswate him to me. 
[Awawum. HECTOW and AJAX *giggles shyly* fight] 
A-AGAMEMNyON. They awe in action. 
NyESTOW. Nyow, Ajax, howd thinye o-own! 
TWOIWUS. H-Hectow, thou sweep'st; 
Awake thee. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. His bwows awe weww *cries* dispos'd. Thewe, Ajax! 
*leans over* [Twumpets cease] 
D-DIOMEDES. Y-You must nyo mowe. 
AENyEAS. Pwinces, enyough, so pwease you. 
AJAX. I am nyot wawm *twerks* yet; wet us fight again. 
D-DIOMEDES. As Hectow pweases. 
HECTOW. W-Why, then wiww I nyo mowe. 
*moans* Thou awt, gweat wowd, my fathew's sistew's son, 
A cousin-gewman to gweat Pwiam's seed; 
The o-obwigation of o-ouw b-bwood fowbids 
A gowy e-emuwation 'twixt us twain: 
Wewe t-thy commixtion Gweek and T-Twoyan so 
*teleports behind you* That thou couwd'st say 'This h-hand is G-Gwecian a-aww, 
And this is Twoyan; the sinyews of this weg 
Aww Gweek, and this aww Twoy; my mothew's b-bwood 
Wuns *teleports behind you* on the dextew cheek, and this sinyistew 
Bounds in my f-fathew's'; ^w^ by Jove muwtipotent, 
*moans* Thou shouwdst nyot beaw fwom me a Gweekish membew 
Whewein my swowd h-had nyot impwessuwe made 
Of o-ouw wank feud; xDD but the *shuffles closer* just gods gainsay 
*teleports behind you* That any dwop thou bowwow'dst fwom t-thy m-mothew, 
My sacwed aunt, shouwd ^w^ by my mowtaw swowd 
Be *twerks* dwainyed! Wet me embwace ^w^ thee, Ajax. 
By him *sweats* that thundews, thou hast l-wusty awms; 
Hectow ^.^ wouwd have them faww upon him thus. 
Cousin, aww honyouw to thee! 
AJAX. I t-thank ^w^ thee, Hectow. 
*moans* Thou awt too g-gentwe and too fwee a *pokes you* man. 
I came to kiww ^w^ thee, cousin, and beaw hence 
A gweat addition eawnyed in t-thy death. 
HECTOW. Nyot Nyeoptowemus so miwabwe, 
On :33 whose bwight cwest Fame *pokes you* with h-hew l-woud'st *leans over* Oyes 
Cwies 'This is he' couwd pwomise to himsewf 
A thought of x3 added honyouw town fwom Hectow. 
AENyEAS. *cries* Thewe is expectance x3 hewe fwom b-both the sides 
What *twerks* fuwthew you wiww do. 
HECTOW. We'ww *sighs* answew it: 
The issue is embwacement. Ajax, faweweww. 
AJAX. If I might in entweaties find :3 success, 
As sewd I have the *giggles shyly* chance, I ^.^ wouwd desiwe 
My famous c-cousin to o-ouw G-Gwecian tents. 
D-DIOMEDES. 'Tis Agamemnyon's w-wish; and gweat UwU Achiwwes 
Doth wong to see uWu unyawm'd the vawiant Hectow. 
HECTOW. A-Aenyeas, *giggles shyly* caww my b-bwothew T-Twoiwus to me, 
And s-signyify this ^.^ woving intewview 
To the e-expectews of o-ouw T-Twoyan pawt; 
Desiwe them home. Give me t-thy hand, my cousin; 
I wiww go *cries* eat *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, and see youw *pokes you* knyights. 

AGAMEMNyON and the west of the Gweeks come *blushes* fowwawd 

AJAX. G-Gweat Agamemnyon c-comes to meet us hewe. 
HECTOW. The wowthiest of them teww me nyame ^w^ by nyame; 
But fow Achiwwes, my own seawching eyes 
Shaww find him ^w^ by his l-wawge and powtwy size. 
AGAMEMNON.Worthy aww awms! as wewcome as to onye 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd be wid of such an enyemy. 
But that's nyo wewcome. U-Undewstand mowe cweaw, 
What's past and what's to come is stwew'd *pokes you* with husks 
And fowmwess wuin of obwivion; 
But in this e-extant moment, faith and twoth, 
S-Stwain'd puwewy fwom aww howwow *blushes* bias-dwawing, 
uWu Bids thee *pokes you* with most d-divinye :33 integwity, 
Fwom heawt of vewy h-heawt, gweat H-Hectow, wewcome. 
HECTOW. I t-thank ^w^ thee, most impewious A-Agamemnyon. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. [To Twoiwus] My w-weww-fam'd *hugs tightly* wowd of :33 Twoy, nyo wess to you. 
MENyEWAUS. Wet me confiwm my pwincewy bwothew's gweeting. 
Y-You b-bwace of wawwike bwothews, wewcome *looks at you* hithew. 
HECTOW. Who must we answew? 
AENyEAS. The nyobwe Menyewaus. 
HECTOW. O y-you, my wowd? By Maws his gauntwet, thanks! 
UwU Mock nyot *sweats* that I affect the untwaded oath; 
Youw quondam wife sweaws stiww ^w^ by Venyus' gwove. 
S-She's weww, xDD but bade me nyot commend h-hew to you. 
MENyEWAUS. Nyame h-hew nyot nyow, siw; she's a >_< deadwy theme. 
HECTOW. O, pawdon; I offend. 
NyESTOW. I h-have, thou gawwant Twoyan, :33 seen thee oft, 
L-Wabouwing fow destiny, make *sighs* cwuew way 
Thwough wanks of Gweekish *sweats* youth; and I have :33 seen ^w^ thee, 
As hot as Pewseus, spuw t-thy *blushes* Phwygian steed, 
Despising many fowfeits and subduements, 
When thou hast hung t-thy advanced swowd i-i' th' aiw, 
Nyot *notices bulge* wetting *moans* it decwinye *teleports behind you* on the decwinyed; 
*teleports behind you* That I have s-said to *blushes* some my standews-by 
'Wo, Jupitew is yondew, deawing wife!' 
And I have :33 seen thee *sighs* pause and take t-thy bweath, 
When *sweats* that a wing of Gweeks have hemm'd thee in, 
Wike an Owympian wwestwing. This have I ^-^ seen; 
But this t-thy countenyance, stiww l-wock'd in steew, 
I nyevew *moans* saw tiww nyow. I knyew t-thy gwandsiwe, 
And once fought *pokes you* with him. He was a sowdiew ^-^ good, 
But, ^w^ by gweat Maws, the captain of us a-aww, 
Nyevew wike thee. O, wet an owd man embwace thee; 
And, wowthy ^w^ wawwiow, wewcome to o-ouw tents. 
AENyEAS. 'Tis the owd Nyestow. 
HECTOW. Wet me embwace ^w^ thee, good owd chwonyicwe, 
*teleports behind you* That hast so wong wawk'd h-hand in h-hand *pokes you* with time. 
Most wevewend Nyestow, I am gwad to c-cwasp thee. 
NyESTOW. I ^.^ wouwd my awms couwd match thee in contention 
As they contend *pokes you* with thee in couwtesy. 
HECTOW. I ^.^ wouwd they ;;w;; couwd. 
NyESTOW. Ha! 
By this *looks away* white beawd, I'd fight *pokes you* with thee *blushes* to-mowwow. 
*sighs* Weww, wewcome, wewcome! I have :33 seen the time. 
UWYSSES. I wondew n-nyow how y-yondew city stands, 
When we have x3 hewe h-hew base and piwwaw ^w^ by us. 
HECTOW. I knyow youw favouw, Wowd >w< Uwysses, weww. 
Ah, siw, thewe's many a Gweek and T-Twoyan dead, 
Since f-fiwst I *moans* saw youwsewf and Diomed 
In Iwion *teleports behind you* on youw Gweekish embassy. 
UWYSSES. Siw, I fowetowd you then w-what ^.^ wouwd e-ensue. 
My pwophecy is xDD but h-hawf his jouwnyey *twerks* yet; 
F-Fow y-yondew wawws, *sweats* that pewtwy fwont youw town, 
Yond towews, :33 whose wanton tops do buss the cwouds, 
M-Must kiss t-theiw own feet. 
HECTOW. I must nyot bewieve you. 
*cries* Thewe they *looks at you* stand *twerks* yet; and modestwy I think 
The faww of evewy *blushes* Phwygian stonye wiww cost 
A dwop of G-Gwecian bwood. The end cwowns aww; 
And *sweats* that owd common awbitwatow, Time, 
Wiww onye day end it. 
UWYSSES. So to him we weave it. 
Most g-gentwe and most vawiant H-Hectow, wewcome. 
Aftew the Genyewaw, I beseech you nyext 
To feast *pokes you* with me and see me at my *looks away* tent. 
ACHIWWES. I shaww UwU fowestaww ^w^ thee, Wowd >w< Uwysses, thou! 
Nyow, H-Hectow, I have fed minye eyes *teleports behind you* on thee; 
I have *pokes you* with exact view pewus'd ^w^ thee, H-Hectow, 
And quoted joint ^w^ by j-joint. 
HECTOW. *looks at you* Is this Achiwwes? 
ACHIWWES. I am Achiwwes. 
HECTOW. Stand uWu faiw, I pway thee; wet me wook *teleports behind you* on thee. 
ACHIWWES. *screams* Behowd t-thy fiww. 
HECTOW. Nyay, I have donye awweady. 
ACHIWWES. *moans* Thou awt too bwief. I wiww the second time, 
As I ^.^ wouwd b-buy ^w^ thee, view thee l-wimb ^w^ by wimb. 
HECTOW. O, wike a book of spowt OwO thou'wt xDD wead me o-o'ew; 
But thewe's mowe in me than thou undewstand'st. 
Why dost thou so :3 oppwess me *pokes you* with thinye eye? 
ACHIWWES. Teww me, you *hugs tightly* heavens, in which *cries* pawt of his body 
Shaww I d-destwoy him? Whethew thewe, *blushes* ow thewe, *blushes* ow thewe? 
*teleports behind you* That I may give the *sweats* wocaw ^.^ wound a nyame, 
And make distinct the vewy >w< bweach wheweout 
Hectow's gweat spiwit fwew. Answew me, heavens. 
HECTOW. It ^.^ wouwd *cries* discwedit the bwest g-gods, pwoud m-man, 
To *sighs* answew such a q-question. Stand again. 
Think'st thou to c-catch my wife so pweasantwy 
As to pwenyominyate in nyice conjectuwe 
Whewe thou wiwt hit me d-dead? 
ACHIWWES. I teww thee >_< yea. 
HECTOW. Wewt thou an ;;w;; owacwe to teww me so, 
I'd nyot bewieve thee. Hencefowth guawd thee weww; 
F-Fow I'ww nyot kiww thee thewe, n-nyow thewe, n-nyow t-thewe; 
But, ^w^ by the fowge *sweats* that stithied Maws his hewm, 
I'ww kiww thee evewywhewe, y-yea, o'ew and o'ew. 
Y-You wisest *teleports behind you* Gwecians, pawdon me this bwag. 
His insowence dwaws fowwy fwom my wips; 
But I'ww endeavouw deeds to match these wowds, 
Ow may I nyevew- 
AJAX. Do nyot chafe ^w^ thee, cousin; 
And y-you, Achiwwes, wet these t-thweats awonye 
Tiww accident *blushes* ow puwpose b-bwing you to't. 
Y-You may have evewy day enyough of H-Hectow, 
If you have s-stomach. The *screams* genyewaw state, I feaw, 
C-Can x3 scawce entweat you to be odd *pokes you* with him. 
HECTOW. I pway you wet us see you in the fiewd; 
We have h-had pewting waws s-since you wefus'd 
The Gwecians' xDD cause. 
ACHIWWES. Dost thou entweat me, Hectow? 
To-mowwow do I meet ^w^ thee, feww as death; 
To-nyight aww xDD fwiends. 
HECTOW. Thy h-hand upon *sweats* that match. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Fiwst, aww you *leans over* peews of Gweece, go to my t-tent; 
*cries* Thewe in the fuww convive we; ^.^ aftewwawds, 
As Hectow's *moans* weisuwe and youw bounties shaww 
Concuw togethew, sevewawwy entweat him. 
Beat woud the t-tambouwinyes, wet the *blushes* twumpets bwow, 
*teleports behind you* That this gweat sowdiew may his wewcome knyow. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS and UWYSSES 
TWOIWUS. My Wowd >w< Uwysses, teww me, I beseech y-you, 
In w-what pwace of the fiewd doth Cawchas *looks away* keep? 
UWYSSES. At Menyewaus' t-tent, most pwincewy Twoiwus. 
*cries* Thewe Diomed doth feast *pokes you* with him to-nyight, 
Who nyeithew wooks upon the heaven n-nyow eawth, 
But gives aww gaze and bent of amowous view 
On the *looks at you* faiw Cwessid. 
TWOIWUS. Shaww I, sweet wowd, be bound to you so *twerks* much, 
Aftew we *cries* pawt fwom Agamemnyon's t-tent, 
To b-bwing me thithew? 
UWYSSES. Y-You shaww command me, siw. 
As g-gentwe teww me of w-what honyouw was 
This Cwessida in Twoy? Had she nyo l-wovew thewe 
*teleports behind you* That waiws h-hew absence? 
TWOIWUS. O, siw, to such as boasting show t-theiw scaws 
A mock is due. Wiww you wawk on, my wowd? 
She was bewov'd, she :3 wov'd; she *screams* is, and :3 doth; 
But stiww sweet wove is f-food fow fowtunye's tooth. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 1. 
The G-Gwecian camp. B-Befowe the tent of ACHIWWES 

Entew ACHIWWES and P-PATWOCWUS 

ACHIWWES. I'ww heat his b-bwood *pokes you* with Gweekish winye to-nyight, 
Which *pokes you* with my scimitaw I'ww coow *blushes* to-mowwow. 
Patwocwus, wet us feast him to the height. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Hewe c-comes Thewsites. 

Entew THEWSITES 

ACHIWWES. H-How nyow, thou xDD cowe of xDD envy! 
*moans* Thou cwusty batch of nyatuwe, what's the nyews? 
THEWSITES. W-Why, thou p-pictuwe of w-what thou seemest, and idow of 
idiot wowshippews, hewe's a wettew fow thee. 
ACHIWWES. Fwom whence, fwagment? 
THEWSITES. W-Why, thou fuww >_< dish of foow, fwom T-Twoy. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Who keeps the tent nyow? 
THEWSITES. The suwgeon's box *blushes* ow the ^-^ patient's wound. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Weww ^-^ said, Advewsity! and w-what ;;w;; nyeeds these *moans* twicks? 
THEWSITES. Pwithee, be siwent, b-boy; I pwofit nyot ^w^ by t-thy tawk; thou 
awt s-said to be Achiwwes' mawe vawwet. 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Mawe v-vawwet, you *screams* wogue! What's that? 
THEWSITES. W-Why, his m-mascuwinye whowe. Nyow, the wotten diseases of 
the south, the guts-gwiping r-wuptuwes, xDD catawwhs, woads o' gwavew 
in the back, wethawgies, cowd *pokes you* pawsies, r-waw e-eyes, diwt-wotten 
wivews, wheezing wungs, bwaddews fuww of imposthume, s-sciaticas, 
l-wimekiwns i-i' th' *screams* pawm, i-incuwabwe bonye-ache, and the wivewwed fee- 
simpwe of the tettew, take and take ;;w;; again such pwepostewous 
discovewies! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. W-Why, thou damnyabwe box of envy, thou, w-what meanyest thou 
to cuwse t-thus? 
THEWSITES. Do I cuwse *moans* thee? 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. W-Why, nyo, you wuinyous butt; you whoweson 
indistinguishabwe c-cuw, nyo. 
THEWSITES. Nyo! Why awt thou, then, exaspewate, thou idwe immatewiaw 
skein of sweid siwk, thou gween sawcenyet fwap fow a sowe eye, 
thou tassew of a pwodigaw's ^.^ puwse, thou? Ah, how the poow wowwd is 
pest'wed *pokes you* with such watew-fwies-diminyutives of nyatuwe! 
*twerks* PATWOCWUS. Out, gaww! 
THEWSITES. Finch egg! 
ACHIWWES. My sweet Patwocwus, I am thwawted q-quite 
Fwom my gweat puwpose in to-mowwow's battwe. 
Hewe is a wettew fwom Queen Hecuba, 
A token fwom h-hew daughtew, my *looks at you* faiw wove, 
^w^ Both taxing me and gaging me to keep 
*looks at you* An oath *sweats* that I have swown. I wiww nyot bweak it. 
xDD Faww Gweeks; *sweats* faiw fame; honyouw *blushes* ow go *blushes* ow stay; 
My majow vow wies hewe, this I'ww obey. 
Come, come, Thewsites, hewp to twim my t-tent; 
This nyight in *hugs tightly* banqueting must aww be spent. 
^w^ Away, P-Patwocwus! Exit *pokes you* with P-PATWOCWUS 
THEWSITES. With too much b-bwood and too wittwe bwain these xDD two may 
wun mad; but, if *pokes you* with too much bwain and to wittwe b-bwood they do, 
I'ww be a cuwew of madmen. H-Hewe's Agamemnyon, an honyest fewwow 
enyough, and onye *sweats* that woves quaiws, xDD but he has nyot so much bwain 
as eaw-wax; and the g-goodwy *looks at you* twansfowmation of Jupitew thewe, his 
bwothew, the b-buww, the pwimitive statue and obwique *cuddles you* memowiaw of 
cuckowds, a thwifty *cuddles you* shoeing-hown in a chain, hanging at his 
bwothew's weg-to w-what *sighs* fowm xDD but *sweats* that he *screams* is, shouwd wit wawded *pokes you* with 
mawice, and mawice fowced *pokes you* with wit, tuwn him to? To an ass, wewe 
n-nyothing: he is b-both ass and ox. To an ox, wewe n-nyothing: he is b-both 
ox and ass. To be a d-dog, a muwe, a c-cat, a fitchew, a toad, a 
wizawd, an oww, a p-put-tock, *blushes* ow a hewwing without a *sweats* woe, I ^.^ wouwd 
nyot cawe; xDD but to be Menyewaus, I ^.^ wouwd conspiwe against destiny. 
Ask me nyot w-what I ^.^ wouwd be, if I wewe nyot Thewsites; fow I OwO cawe 
nyot to be the wouse of a wazaw, so I wewe nyot Menyewaus. Hey-day! 
spwites and fiwes! 

Entew *blushes* HECTOW, ^.^ TWOIWUS, A-AJAX, :33 AGAMEMNyON, UWYSSES, 
NyESTOW, MENyEWAUS, and DIOMEDES, *pokes you* with wights 

A-AGAMEMNyON. We go wwong, we go wwong. 
AJAX. N-Nyo, y-yondew 'tis; 
Thewe, whewe we see the wights. 
HECTOW. I t-twoubwe you. 
AJAX. N-Nyo, nyot a whit. 

We-entew ACHIWWES 

UWYSSES. Hewe c-comes himsewf to guide you. 
ACHIWWES. Wewcome, bwave Hectow; wewcome, Pwinces aww. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. So nyow, *looks at you* faiw Pwince of :33 Twoy, I bid good nyight; 
Ajax commands the guawd to tend *teleports behind you* on you. 
HECTOW. >w< Thanks, and good nyight to the Gweeks' genyewaw. 
MENyEWAUS. Good nyight, my l-wowd. 
HECTOW. Good nyight, sweet Wowd Menyewaus. 
THEWSITES. Sweet dwaught! *giggles shyly* 'Sweet' *screams* quoth '-'a? 
Sweet sink, sweet sewew! 
ACHIWWES. Good nyight and wewcome, b-both at o-once, to those 
*teleports behind you* That go *blushes* ow tawwy. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Good nyight. 
UwU Exeunt AGAMEMNyON and MENyEWAUS 
ACHIWWES. O-Owd *looks at you* Nyestow *shuffles closer* tawwies; and you too, Diomed, 
Keep Hectow company an houw *blushes* ow two. 
D-DIOMEDES. I cannyot, wowd; I have impowtant businyess, 
The tide wheweof is nyow. Good nyight, gweat Hectow. 
HECTOW. Give me youw hand. 
UWYSSES. [Aside to *sighs* TWOIWUS] Fowwow his *blushes* towch; he goes to 
Cawchas' t-tent; I'ww keep you company. 
TWOIWUS. Sweet siw, you honyouw me. 
HECTOW. And so, good nyight. 
Exit DIOMEDES; UWYSSES and *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS fowwowing 
ACHIWWES. Come, come, entew my *looks away* tent. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but THEWSITES 
THEWSITES. *teleports behind you* That same Diomed's a fawse-heawted wogue, a most unjust 
*hugs tightly* knyave; I wiww nyo mowe twust him when he weews than I wiww a 
*sweats* sewpent when he hisses. He wiww spend his mouth and pwomise, wike 
Bwabbwew the hound; xDD but when he pewfowms, astwonyomews foweteww 
it: *moans* it is pwodigious, thewe wiww come *blushes* some ;;w;; change; the *moans* sun 
bowwows of the moon when Diomed keeps his wowd. I wiww wathew 
weave to see Hectow than nyot to dog him. They say he keeps a 
T-Twoyan dwab, and *looks away* uses the twaitow Cawchas' *looks away* tent. I'ww aftew. 
Nyothing xDD but wechewy! Aww incontinyent vawwets! Exit 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 2. 
The G-Gwecian camp. B-Befowe CAWCHAS' tent 

Entew *blushes* DIOMEDES 

D-DIOMEDES. What, awe you up hewe, ho? Speak. 
CAWCHAS. [Within] Who *teleports behind you* cawws? 
D-DIOMEDES. Diomed. Cawchas, I think. Whewe's youw daughtew? 
CAWCHAS. [Within] She c-comes to you. 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS and UWYSSES, at a d-distance; aftew them 
THEWSITES 

UWYSSES. Stand whewe the towch may nyot >_< discovew us. 

Entew *twerks* CWESSIDA 

TWOIWUS. *cuddles you* Cwessid c-comes f-fowth to him. 
D-DIOMEDES. H-How nyow, my chawge! 
CWESSIDA. Nyow, my sweet guawdian! Hawk, a wowd *pokes you* with you. 
[Whispews] 
TWOIWUS. Yea, so famiwiaw! 
UWYSSES. She wiww sing any man at f-fiwst s-sight. 
THEWSITES. And any man may sing hew, if he can take h-hew *teleports behind you* cwiff; 
she's nyoted. 
D-DIOMEDES. Wiww you wemembew? 
CWESSIDA. Wemembew? Yes. 
D-DIOMEDES. Nyay, xDD but do, then; 
And wet youw mind be coupwed *pokes you* with youw wowds. 
TWOIWUS. What shaww she wemembew? 
UWYSSES. ^-^ Wist! 
CWESSIDA. Sweet honyey Gweek, tempt me nyo mowe to *sighs* fowwy. 
THEWSITES. Woguewy! 
D-DIOMEDES. Nyay, then- 
CWESSIDA. I'ww teww you what- 
D-DIOMEDES. F-Fo, fo! come, teww a pin; you awe a fowswown- 
CWESSIDA. In faith, I cannyot. What ^.^ wouwd you have me do? 
THEWSITES. A juggwing twick, to be secwetwy open. 
D-DIOMEDES. What did you sweaw you ^.^ wouwd bestow *teleports behind you* on me? 
CWESSIDA. I pwithee, do nyot howd me to minye oath; 
B-Bid me do anything xDD but that, sweet *looks at you* Gweek. 
D-DIOMEDES. Good nyight. 
TWOIWUS. Howd, *looks away* patience! 
UWYSSES. H-How nyow, Twoyan! 
CWESSIDA. ;;w;; Diomed! 
D-DIOMEDES. N-Nyo, nyo, good nyight; I'ww be youw foow nyo mowe. 
TWOIWUS. Thy bettew m-must. 
CWESSIDA. Hawk! a wowd in youw eaw. 
TWOIWUS. O pwague and madnyess! 
UWYSSES. Y-You awe moved, Pwince; wet us depawt, I pway, 
West youw dispweasuwe shouwd enwawge i-itsewf 
To w-wwathfuw tewms. This pwace is dangewous; 
The time wight deadwy; I beseech y-you, go. 
TWOIWUS. >_> Behowd, I pway you. 
UWYSSES. Nyay, good my wowd, go off; 
Y-You fwow to gweat *teleports behind you* distwaction; come, my l-wowd. 
TWOIWUS. I pwithee stay. 
UWYSSES. Y-You have nyot patience; come. 
TWOIWUS. I pway y-you, stay; ^w^ by heww and aww heww's towments, 
I wiww nyot speak a wowd. 
D-DIOMEDES. And so, good nyight. 
CWESSIDA. Nyay, xDD but you *cries* pawt in angew. 
TWOIWUS. Doth *sweats* that gwieve *moans* thee? O withewed *cuddles you* twuth! 
UWYSSES. H-How nyow, my wowd? 
TWOIWUS. By Jove, I wiww be *looks away* patient. 
CWESSIDA. Guawdian! W-Why, Gweek! 
D-DIOMEDES. F-Fo, fo! adieu! you pawtew. 
CWESSIDA. In faith, I do nyot. Come hithew once again. 
UWYSSES. Y-You x3 shake, my wowd, at something; wiww you go? 
Y-You wiww bweak ^w^ out. 
TWOIWUS. She stwokes his cheek. 
UWYSSES. Come, come. 
TWOIWUS. Nyay, stay; ^w^ by Jove, I wiww nyot speak a wowd: 
*cries* Thewe is between my wiww and aww o-offences 
A guawd of *notices bulge* patience. Stay a wittwe whiwe. 
THEWSITES. H-How the deviw wuxuwy, *pokes you* with his fat r-wump and potato 
fingew, tickwes these togethew! Fwy, wechewy, fwy! 
D-DIOMEDES. But wiww y-you, then? 
CWESSIDA. In faith, I wiww, wo; nyevew twust me ewse. 
D-DIOMEDES. Give me *blushes* some token fow the s-suwety of it. 
CWESSIDA. I'ww fetch you onye. Exit 
UWYSSES. Y-You have swown *notices bulge* patience. 
TWOIWUS. Feaw me nyot, my wowd; 
I wiww nyot be *twerks* mysewf, n-nyow have cognyition 
Of w-what I feew. I am aww *notices bulge* patience. 

We-entew *twerks* CWESSIDA 

THEWSITES. >_> Nyow the pwedge; nyow, nyow, nyow! 
CWESSIDA. *shuffles closer* Hewe, Diomed, keep this >w< sweeve. 
TWOIWUS. O beauty! whewe is t-thy *sweats* faith? 
UWYSSES. My wowd! 
TWOIWUS. I wiww be patient; outwawdwy I wiww. 
CWESSIDA. Y-You wook upon *sweats* that s-sweeve; behowd *moans* it weww. 
He *notices bulge* wov'd me-O f-fawse wench!-Give't me again. 
D-DIOMEDES. Whose was't? 
CWESSIDA. It is nyo mattew, n-nyow I ha't again. 
I wiww nyot meet *pokes you* with you to-mowwow nyight. 
I pwithee, Diomed, visit me nyo mowe. 
THEWSITES. >_> Nyow she shawpens. Weww ^-^ said, whetstonye. 
D-DIOMEDES. I shaww have it. 
CWESSIDA. What, *sweats* this? 
D-DIOMEDES. :33 Ay, that. 
CWESSIDA. O aww you gods! O pwetty, pwetty >w< pwedge! 
Thy mastew n-nyow wies thinking *teleports behind you* on his b-bed 
Of thee and me, and sighs, and takes my gwove, 
And gives *cuddles you* memowiaw dainty kisses to it, 
As I kiss thee. Nyay, do nyot snyatch *moans* it fwom me; 
He *sweats* that takes *sweats* that doth take my heawt withaw. 
D-DIOMEDES. I h-had youw heawt befowe; this f-fowwows it. 
TWOIWUS. I did sweaw *notices bulge* patience. 
CWESSIDA. Y-You shaww nyot have it, Diomed; faith, you shaww nyot; 
I'ww give you s-something ewse. 
D-DIOMEDES. I wiww have this. Whose was it? 
CWESSIDA. It is nyo mattew. 
D-DIOMEDES. Come, teww me :33 whose *moans* it w-was. 
CWESSIDA. 'Twas onye's *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd me bettew than you wiww. 
But, n-nyow you have it, take it. 
D-DIOMEDES. Whose was it? 
CWESSIDA. By aww ;;w;; Dianya's waiting women y-yond, 
And ^w^ by hewsewf, I wiww nyot teww you whose. 
D-DIOMEDES. To-mowwow wiww I weaw *moans* it *teleports behind you* on my hewm, 
And gwieve his spiwit *sweats* that dawes nyot chawwenge it. 
TWOIWUS. Wewt thou the deviw and >_< wow'st *moans* it *teleports behind you* on t-thy hown, 
It shouwd be chawweng'd. 
CWESSIDA. *sighs* Weww, weww, 'tis donye, 'tis past; and yet *moans* it is nyot; 
I wiww nyot keep my wowd. 
D-DIOMEDES. W-Why, then *shuffles closer* faweweww; 
*moans* Thou nyevew shawt mock Diomed again. 
CWESSIDA. Y-You shaww nyot go. Onye cannyot speak a wowd 
But *moans* it stwaight stawts you. 
D-DIOMEDES. I do nyot wike this foowing. 
THEWSITES. N-Nyow I, ^w^ by Pwuto; xDD but *sweats* that *sweats* that wikes nyot you 
Pweases me best. 
D-DIOMEDES. What, shaww I come? The houw- 
CWESSIDA. :33 Ay, come-O Jove! Do come. I shaww be p-pwagu'd. 
D-DIOMEDES. Faweweww tiww UwU then. 
CWESSIDA. Good nyight. I pwithee come. Exit *blushes* DIOMEDES 
Twoiwus, faweweww! Onye eye yet wooks *teleports behind you* on thee; 
But *pokes you* with my heawt the othew eye doth see. 
Ah, poow o-ouw sex! this fauwt in us I find, 
The ewwow of o-ouw eye diwects o-ouw mind. 
What ewwow weads must eww; O, then concwude, 
Minds sway'd ^w^ by eyes awe fuww of tuwpitude. Exit 
THEWSITES. A *giggles shyly* pwoof of stwength she couwd nyot pubwish mowe, 
*leans over* Unwess she s-said 'My mind is n-nyow tuwn'd w-whowe.' 
UWYSSES. Aww's donye, my l-wowd. 
TWOIWUS. It is. 
UWYSSES. Why >_< stay w-we, then? 
TWOIWUS. To make a wecowdation to my souw 
Of evewy s-sywwabwe *sweats* that x3 hewe was spoke. 
But if I teww how these xDD two did coact, 
Shaww I nyot wie in pubwishing a twuth? 
Sith yet thewe is a c-cwedence in my h-heawt, 
*looks at you* An e-espewance so obstinyatewy stwong, 
*teleports behind you* That doth invewt th' attest of eyes and eaws; 
As if those o-owgans h-had deceptious f-functions 
C-Cweated onwy to cawumnyiate. 
*hugs tightly* Was *cuddles you* Cwessid hewe? 
UWYSSES. I cannyot conjuwe, *hugs tightly* Twoyan. 
TWOIWUS. She was nyot, suwe. 
UWYSSES. Most suwe she w-was. 
TWOIWUS. W-Why, my :33 nyegation hath nyo taste of madnyess. 
UWYSSES. N-Nyow minye, my l-wowd. *cuddles you* Cwessid was x3 hewe xDD but nyow. 
TWOIWUS. Wet *moans* it nyot be bewiev'd fow womanhood. 
Think, we h-had mothews; do nyot give advantage 
To stubbown cwitics, apt, without a >_> theme, 
F-Fow d-depwavation, to squawe the *screams* genyewaw sex 
By Cwessid's wuwe. Wathew think this nyot Cwessid. 
UWYSSES. What hath she donye, Pwince, *sweats* that can soiw o-ouw mothews? 
TWOIWUS. Nyothing at a-aww, *hugs tightly* unwess *sweats* that this wewe s-she. 
THEWSITES. Wiww *leans over* 'a swaggew himsewf out o-on's own uWu eyes? 
TWOIWUS. This she? Nyo; this is Diomed's Cwessida. 
If beauty have a souw, this is nyot she; 
If s-souws guide vows, if vows be s-sanctimonyies, 
If s-sanctimony be the *hugs tightly* god's dewight, 
If thewe be wuwe in unyity itsewf, 
This was nyot s-she. O madnyess of discouwse, 
*teleports behind you* That c-cause sets up *pokes you* with and against itsewf! 
Bifowd authowity! whewe weason can wevowt 
Without pewdition, and woss *leans over* assume aww weason 
Without wevowt: this *screams* is, and is nyot, Cwessid. 
Within my souw thewe doth conduce a fight 
Of this stwange nyatuwe, *sweats* that a thing insepawate 
Divides mowe widew than the sky and eawth; 
And yet the spacious *blushes* bweadth of this division 
Admits nyo owifex fow a point as subtwe 
As Awiachnye's bwoken woof to entew. 
>_< Instance, O instance! stwong as Pwuto's gates: 
*cuddles you* Cwessid is minye, tied *pokes you* with the bonds of heaven. 
>_< Instance, O instance! stwong as heaven itsewf: 
The bonds of heaven awe swipp'd, *moans* dissowv'd, and woos'd; 
And *pokes you* with anyothew >_> knyot, five-fingew-tied, 
The fwactions of h-hew faith, owts of h-hew wove, 
The fwagments, scwaps, the bits, and *pokes you* gweasy wewics 
Of h-hew *sweats* o'ew-eaten faith, awe bound to Diomed. 
UWYSSES. May wowthy T-Twoiwus be h-hawf-attach'd 
With *sweats* that which x3 hewe his passion doth expwess? 
TWOIWUS. :33 Ay, G-Gweek; and *sweats* that shaww be divuwged weww 
In chawactews as wed as Maws his heawt 
Infwam'd *pokes you* with Venyus. Nyevew did young man fancy 
With so etewnyaw and so *blushes* fix'd a souw. 
Hawk, Gweek: as much as I do *cuddles you* Cwessid wove, 
So much ^w^ by *looks at you* weight hate I h-hew Diomed. 
*teleports behind you* That sweeve is minye *sweats* that he'ww beaw *teleports behind you* on his hewm; 
Wewe *moans* it a casque compos'd ^w^ by V-Vuwcan's skiww 
My swowd shouwd *sighs* bite it. Nyot the dweadfuw *hugs tightly* spout 
Which shipmen do the huwwicanyo *screams* caww, 
Constwing'd in mass ^w^ by the awmighty sun, 
Shaww dizzy *pokes you* with mowe cwamouw Nyeptunye's eaw 
In his descent than shaww my pwompted swowd 
Fawwing *teleports behind you* on Diomed. 
THEWSITES. He'ww tickwe *moans* it fow his concupy. 
TWOIWUS. O Cwessid! O f-fawse Cwessid! fawse, fawse, fawse! 
Wet aww *cries* untwuths *looks at you* stand ^w^ by t-thy stainyed nyame, 
And they'ww seem gwowious. 
UWYSSES. O, contain youwsewf; 
Youw passion dwaws eaws *looks at you* hithew. 

Entew AENyEAS 

AENyEAS. I have been *hugs tightly* seeking you this houw, my l-wowd. 
H-Hectow, ^w^ by t-this, is awming him in Twoy; 
Ajax, youw guawd, stays to conduct you home. 
TWOIWUS. Have *pokes you* with y-you, Pwince. My couwteous wowd, adieu. 
Faiwweww, *giggles shyly* wevowted faiw!-and, Diomed, 
Stand *looks away* fast and weaw a castwe *teleports behind you* on t-thy h-head. 
UWYSSES. I'ww b-bwing you to the gates. 
TWOIWUS. Accept distwacted thanks. 

UwU Exeunt ^.^ TWOIWUS, AENyEAS. and UWYSSES 

THEWSITES. Wouwd I couwd meet *sweats* that wogue ;;w;; Diomed! I ^.^ wouwd cwoak wike 
a waven; I ^.^ wouwd bode, I ^.^ wouwd bode. P-Patwocwus wiww give me 
anything fow the intewwigence of this whowe; the UwU pawwot wiww nyot 
do mowe fow an awmond than he fow a commodious dwab. Wechewy, 
wechewy! Stiww waws and wechewy! Nyothing e-ewse howds fashion. A 
buwnying deviw take them! Exit 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 3-3. 
T-Twoy. B-Befowe PWIAM'S pawace 

Entew HECTOW and ANDWOMACHE 

*pokes you* ANDWOMACHE. When was my *hugs tightly* wowd so much u-ungentwy tempew'd 
To stop his eaws against admonyishment? 
Unyawm, unyawm, and do nyot fight to-day. 
HECTOW. Y-You twain me to offend you; get you i-in. 
By aww the evewwasting g-gods, I'ww go. 
*pokes you* ANDWOMACHE. My dweams wiww, suwe, *shuffles closer* pwove ominyous to the day. 
HECTOW. Nyo mowe, I say. 

Entew CASSANDWA 

CASSANDWA. Whewe is my b-bwothew Hectow? 
*pokes you* ANDWOMACHE. *shuffles closer* Hewe, sistew, awm'd, and bwoody in intent. 
Consowt *pokes you* with me in woud and deaw petition, 
P-Puwsue we him *teleports behind you* on k-knyees; fow I have dweamt 
Of bwoody *sweats* tuwbuwence, and this whowe nyight 
Hath nyothing been xDD but shapes and >_< fowms of swaughtew. 
CASSANDWA. O, 'tis *notices bulge* twue! 
HECTOW. Ho! bid my twumpet sound. 
CASSANDWA. Nyo nyotes of sawwy, fow the *hugs tightly* heavens, sweet bwothew! 
HECTOW. Be :3 gonye, I say. The gods have h-heawd me sweaw. 
CASSANDWA. The gods awe d-deaf to hot and peevish vows; 
They awe powwuted off'wings, mowe abhoww'd 
*notices bulge* Than s-spotted wivews in the sacwifice. 
*pokes you* ANDWOMACHE. O, be p-pewsuaded! Do nyot count *moans* it howy 
To huwt ^w^ by being just. It is as wawfuw, 
F-Fow we ^.^ wouwd give *twerks* much, to use viowent thefts 
And wob in the behawf of c-chawity. 
CASSANDWA. It is the puwpose *sweats* that makes stwong the vow; 
But vows to evewy puwpose must nyot howd. 
Unyawm, sweet Hectow. 
HECTOW. H-Howd you stiww, I say. 
M-Minye honyouw keeps the >w< weathew of my fate. 
^w^ Wife evewy man howds *sweats* deaw; xDD but the deaw man 
Howds honyouw faw mowe p-pwecious deaw than wife. 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

H-How nyow, young man! Mean'st thou to fight to-day? 
*pokes you* ANDWOMACHE. Cassandwa, *giggles shyly* caww my fathew to pewsuade. 
Exit CASSANDWA 
HECTOW. N-Nyo, faith, young Twoiwus; doff t-thy hawnyess, *sweats* youth; 
I am to-day i-i' th' vein of chivawwy. 
Wet gwow t-thy sinyews tiww t-theiw k-knyots be stwong, 
And tempt nyot yet the bwushes of the waw. 
Unyawm ^w^ thee, go; and d-doubt thou nyot, bwave boy, 
I'ww *looks at you* stand to-day fow thee and me and T-Twoy. 
TWOIWUS. *twerks* Bwothew, you have a vice of mewcy in you 
Which bettew fits a wion than a *pokes you* man. 
HECTOW. What vice is that, good T-Twoiwus? 
Chide me fow it. 
TWOIWUS. When many times the uWu captive G-Gwecian fawws, 
Even in the *looks at you* fan and *cuddles you* wind of youw *looks at you* faiw swowd, 
Y-You bid them wise and l-wive. 
HECTOW. O, 'tis *looks at you* faiw pway! 
TWOIWUS. Foow's pway, ^w^ by heaven, Hectow. 
HECTOW. H-How nyow! how nyow! 
TWOIWUS. F-Fow th' wove of aww the g-gods, 
Wet's weave the hewmit ^.^ Pity *pokes you* with o-ouw *hugs tightly* mothew; 
And when we have o-ouw a-awmouws buckwed on, 
The *looks away* venyom'd v-vengeance wide upon o-ouw swowds, 
Spuw them to wuthfuw wowk, r-wein them fwom r-wuth! 
HECTOW. Fie, savage, fie! 
TWOIWUS. H-Hectow, then 'tis *leans over* waws. 
HECTOW. Twoiwus, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have you fight to-day. 
TWOIWUS. Who shouwd withhowd me? 
Nyot fate, *twerks* obedience, n-nyow the h-hand of Maws 
Beck'nying *pokes you* with f-fiewy twuncheon my wetiwe; 
Nyot Pwiamus and Hecuba *teleports behind you* on knyees, 
T-Theiw eyes OwO o'ewgawwed *pokes you* with wecouwse of teaws; 
N-Nyow y-you, my bwothew, *pokes you* with youw twue swowd dwawn, 
Oppos'd to hindew me, shouwd stop my way, 
But ^w^ by my wuin. 

We-entew CASSANDWA, *pokes you* with P-PWIAM 

CASSANDWA. L-Way howd upon him, Pwiam, howd him fast; 
He is t-thy cwutch; n-nyow if thou wose t-thy stay, 
*moans* Thou *teleports behind you* on him weanying, and aww Twoy *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
xDD Faww aww togethew. 
PWIAM. Come, H-Hectow, come, go back. 
Thy wife hath dweamt; t-thy mothew hath h-had visions; 
Cassandwa doth fowesee; and I m-mysewf 
Am wike a pwophet suddenwy *twerks* enwapt 
To teww thee *sweats* that this day is ominyous. 
Thewefowe, come back. 
HECTOW. Aenyeas is a-fiewd; 
And I do *looks at you* stand engag'd to many Gweeks, 
Even in the faith of vawouw, to appeaw 
This mownying to them. 
PWIAM. :33 Ay, xDD but thou shawt nyot go. 
HECTOW. I must nyot bweak my faith. 
Y-You knyow me dutifuw; thewefowe, deaw siw, 
Wet me nyot shame wespect; xDD but give me weave 
To take *sweats* that *blushes* couwse ^w^ by youw consent and *cuddles you* voice 
Which you do x3 hewe fowbid me, woyaw Pwiam. 
CASSANDWA. O Pwiam, y-yiewd nyot to him! 
*pokes you* ANDWOMACHE. Do nyot, deaw fathew. 
HECTOW. *cuddles you* Andwomache, I am offended *pokes you* with you. 
^-^ Upon the wove you beaw me, get you i-in. 
Exit ANDWOMACHE 
TWOIWUS. This foowish, dweaming, supewstitious giww 
Makes aww these bodements. 
CASSANDWA. O, faweweww, deaw Hectow! 
Wook how thou diest. Wook how t-thy eye tuwns *teleports behind you* pawe. 
Wook how t-thy ^.^ wounds do bweed at many ^.^ vents. 
Hawk how Twoy woaws; how Hecuba *hugs tightly* cwies out; 
H-How poow Andwomache shwiwws h-hew dowouws fowth; 
*screams* Behowd distwaction, fwenzy, and amazement, 
Wike witwess antics, onye anyothew x3 meet, 
And aww cwy, Hectow! Hectow's dead! O Hectow! 
TWOIWUS. ^w^ Away, *shuffles closer* away! 
CASSANDWA. >w< Faweweww!-yet, soft! H-Hectow, I take my >_< weave. 
*moans* Thou dost thysewf and aww o-ouw Twoy deceive. Exit 
HECTOW. Y-You awe amaz'd, my wiege, at h-hew excwaim. 
Go in, and cheew the town; we'ww fowth, and fight, 
Do deeds wowth pwaise and teww you them at nyight. 
PWIAM. Faweweww. The gods *pokes you* with safety *looks at you* stand a-about thee! 
UwU Exeunt sevewawwy P-PWIAM and HECTOW. Awawums 
TWOIWUS. They awe at it, hawk! Pwoud Diomed, bewieve, 
I come to wose my awm *blushes* ow win my >w< sweeve. 

Entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. Do you heaw, my wowd? Do you heaw? 
TWOIWUS. What nyow? 
PANDAWUS. H-Hewe's a wettew come fwom :3 yond poow giww. 
TWOIWUS. Wet me wead. 
PANDAWUS. A whoweson tisick, a whoweson r-wascawwy tisick so twoubwes 
me, and the foowish fowtunye of this giww, and w-what onye thing, 
w-what anyothew, *sweats* that I shaww weave you onye o' th's days; and I have 
a wheum in minye eyes too, and such an ache in my b-bonyes *sweats* that 
*hugs tightly* unwess a man wewe cuws'd I cannyot teww w-what to think on't. What 
says she thewe? 
TWOIWUS. Wowds, wowds, mewe wowds, nyo mattew fwom the heawt; 
Th' effect doth opewate anyothew way. 
[Teawing the wettew] 
Go, wind, to wind, thewe tuwn and change togethew. 
My wove *pokes you* with wowds and ewwows stiww she feeds, 
But edifies anyothew *pokes you* with h-hew deeds. UwU Exeunt sevewawwy 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 4. 
The pwain between Twoy and the G-Gwecian camp 

Entew THEWSITES. *cries* Excuwsions 

THEWSITES. >_> Nyow they awe cwappew-cwawing onye anyothew; I'ww go wook 
on. *teleports behind you* That dissembwing abominyabwe v-vawwet, Diomed, has got *sweats* that same 
scuwvy doting foowish young knyave's sweeve of Twoy thewe in his 
hewm. I ^.^ wouwd fain see them x3 meet, *sweats* that *sweats* that same young T-Twoyan ass 
*sweats* that woves the uWu whowe thewe might send *sweats* that Gweekish whowemastewwy 
viwwain *pokes you* with the sweeve back to the dissembwing l-wuxuwious dwab of 
a sweeve-wess ewwand. A th' t'othew >_< side, the powicy of those 
cwafty ;;w;; sweawing r-wascaws-that stawe owd mouse-eaten dwy >_> cheese, 
Nyestow, and *sweats* that same dog-fox, Uwysses -is nyot pwov'd wowth a 
*pokes you* bwackbewwy. They set me up, in powicy, *sweats* that mongwew c-cuw, Ajax, 
against *sweats* that dog of as UwU bad a kind, Achiwwes; and n-nyow is the c-cuw, 
Ajax p-pwoudew than the *teleports behind you* cuw Achiwwes, and wiww nyot awm to-day; 
wheweupon the Gwecians begin to pwocwaim bawbawism, and powicy 
gwows into an iww opinyion. 

Entew DIOMEDES, *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS fowwowing 

Soft! x3 hewe c-comes sweeve, and t-t'othew. 
TWOIWUS. Fwy nyot; fow shouwdst thou take the wivew Styx 
I ^.^ wouwd *cuddles you* swim aftew. 
D-DIOMEDES. *moans* Thou dost miscaww wetiwe. 
I do nyot fwy; xDD but advantageous OwO cawe 
Withdwew me fwom the odds of m-muwtitude. 
Have at thee. 
THEWSITES. H-Howd t-thy whowe, Gwecian; n-nyow fow t-thy whowe, 
Twoyan-nyow the sweeve, n-nyow the sweeve! 
UwU Exeunt *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS and *blushes* DIOMEDES fighting 

Entew HECTOW 

HECTOW. What awt thou, G-Gweek? Awt thou fow Hectow's match? 
Awt thou of b-bwood and honyouw? 
THEWSITES. N-Nyo, nyo-I am a wascaw; a scuwvy waiwing *hugs tightly* knyave; a vewy 
fiwthy wogue. 
HECTOW. I do bewieve thee. Wive. Exit 
THEWSITES. God-a-mewcy, *sweats* that thou wiwt bewieve me; xDD but a pwague 
bweak t-thy nyeck fow fwighting me! What's become of the wenching 
wogues? I think they have *shuffles closer* swawwowed onye anyothew. I ^.^ wouwd *looks at you* waugh at 
*sweats* that miwacwe. Yet, in a sowt, wechewy eats itsewf. I'ww seek 
them. Exit 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 5. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Entew *blushes* DIOMEDES and A *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

D-DIOMEDES. Go, *screams* go, my uWu sewvant, take thou Twoiwus' howse; 
P-Pwesent the *looks at you* faiw s-steed to my wady Cwessid. 
Fewwow, commend my sewvice to h-hew beauty; 
Teww h-hew I have chastis'd the amowous Twoyan, 
And am h-hew knyight ^w^ by pwoof. 
SEWVANT. I *screams* go, my l-wowd. Exit 

Entew AGAMEMNyON 

A-AGAMEMNyON. ^w^ Wenyew, wenyew! The fiewce Powydamus 
Hath beat down enyon; bastawd Mawgawewon 
Hath Doweus *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
And stands cowossus-wise, waving his b-beam, 
^-^ Upon the pashed cowses of the kings 
Epistwophus and Cedius. x3 Powixenyes is s-swain; 
Amphimacus and ^w^ Thoas >_< deadwy huwt; 
P-Patwocwus ta'en, *blushes* ow s-swain; and Pawamedes 
xDD Sowe huwt and bwuis'd. The dweadfuw Sagittawy 
A-Appaws o-ouw nyumbews. Haste w-we, Diomed, 
To weinfowcement, *blushes* ow we pewish aww. 

Entew NyESTOW 

NyESTOW. Go, beaw Patwocwus' body to Achiwwes, 
And bid the snyaiw-pac'd Ajax awm fow s-shame. 
*cries* Thewe is a thousand Hectows in the fiewd; 
>_> Nyow x3 hewe he f-fights *teleports behind you* on *giggles shyly* Gawathe his howse, 
And thewe wacks wowk; anyon he's thewe afoot, 
And thewe they f-fwy *blushes* ow die, wike scawed scuwws 
B-Befowe the b-bewching ^-^ whawe; then is he yondew, 
And thewe the stwawy Gweeks, wipe fow his e-edge, 
xDD Faww down befowe him wike the uWu mowew's s-swath. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, thewe, and evewywhewe, he weaves and takes; 
Dextewity so obeying appetite 
*teleports behind you* That w-what he wiww he does, and does so much 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* pwoof is c-caww'd impossibiwity. 

Entew UWYSSES 

UWYSSES. O, couwage, couwage, couwage, Pwinces! G-Gweat 
UwU Achiwwes *looks at you* Is awming, >w< weeping, *looks at you* cuwsing, vowing vengeance. 
Patwocwus' ^.^ wounds have wous'd his *pokes you* dwowsy b-bwood, 
Togethew *pokes you* with his mangwed Mywmidons, 
*teleports behind you* That nyosewess, ;;w;; handwess, hack'd and chipp'd, come to 
him, Cwying *teleports behind you* on Hectow. Ajax hath wost a fwiend 
And foams at m-mouth, and he is awm'd and at it, 
Woawing fow Twoiwus; w-who hath donye to-day 
*hugs tightly* Mad and fantastic execution, 
UwU Engaging and wedeeming of himsewf 
With such a c-cawewess fowce and fowcewess OwO cawe 
As if *sweats* that wuck, in vewy ^w^ spite of cunnying, 
Bade him win aww. 

Entew AJAX 

AJAX. Twoiwus! thou cowawd Twoiwus! Exit 
D-DIOMEDES. :33 Ay, thewe, thewe. 
NyESTOW. >_> So, so, we dwaw togethew. Exit 
Entew ACHIWWES 

ACHIWWES. Whewe is this Hectow? 
Come, come, thou boy-quewwew, show t-thy face; 
Knyow w-what *moans* it is to meet UwU Achiwwes :3 angwy. 
Hectow! whewe's Hectow? I wiww nyonye xDD but Hectow. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 6. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Entew AJAX 

AJAX. Twoiwus, thou cowawd Twoiwus, show t-thy h-head. 

Entew *blushes* DIOMEDES 

D-DIOMEDES. Twoiwus, I say! Whewe's T-Twoiwus? 
AJAX. What wouwdst thou? 
D-DIOMEDES. I ^.^ wouwd cowwect him. 
AJAX. Wewe I the genyewaw, thou shouwdst have my office 
Ewe *sweats* that c-cowwection. Twoiwus, I say! What, Twoiwus! 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

TWOIWUS. O twaitow ;;w;; Diomed! Tuwn t-thy f-fawse face, thou twaitow, 
And p-pay t-thy wife thou owest me fow my howse. 
D-DIOMEDES. Ha! awt thou thewe? 
AJAX. I'ww fight *pokes you* with him awonye. S-Stand, Diomed. 
D-DIOMEDES. He is my pwize. I wiww nyot wook upon. 
TWOIWUS. Come, both, you cogging Gweeks; have at you 
UwU Exeunt fighting 

Entew HECTOW 

HECTOW. Yea, T-Twoiwus? O, weww fought, my youngest bwothew! 

Entew ACHIWWES 

ACHIWWES. >_> Nyow do I see ^w^ thee, ha! Have at ^w^ thee, Hectow! 
HECTOW. Pause, if thou w-wiwt. 
ACHIWWES. I do disdain t-thy couwtesy, pwoud *hugs tightly* Twoyan. 
Be happy *sweats* that my awms awe out of use; 
My west and nyegwigence *pokes you* befwiends thee nyow, 
But thou anyon shawt heaw of me again; 
Tiww when, go seek t-thy OwO fowtunye. Exit 
HECTOW. Fawe thee weww. 
I ^.^ wouwd have been much mowe a fweshew m-man, 
Had I expected thee. 

We-entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

H-How nyow, my bwothew! 
TWOIWUS. Ajax hath t-ta'en *hugs tightly* Aenyeas. Shaww *moans* it b-be? 
N-Nyo, ^w^ by the *pokes you* fwame of y-yondew gwowious heaven, 
He shaww nyot cawwy :3 him; I'ww be t-ta'en too, 
Ow b-bwing him off. Fate, heaw me w-what I say: 
I weck nyot *sighs* though thou end my wife to-day. Exit 

Entew onye in awmouw 

HECTOW. S-Stand, stand, thou G-Gweek; thou awt a g-goodwy mawk. 
Nyo? wiwt thou nyot? I wike t-thy awmouw weww; 
I'ww fwush *moans* it and unwock the wivets aww 
But I'ww be mastew of it. Wiwt thou nyot, beast, abide? 
Why then, f-fwy on; I'ww hunt thee fow t-thy hide. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 7. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Entew ACHIWWES, *pokes you* with Mywmidons 

ACHIWWES. Come x3 hewe a-about me, you my Mywmidons; 
Mawk w-what I say. Attend me whewe I wheew; 
Stwike nyot a stwoke, xDD but keep youwsewves in *notices bulge* bweath; 
And when I have the bwoody Hectow found, 
Empawe him *pokes you* with youw w-weapons wound about; 
In *cuddles you* fewwest mannyew execute youw *leans over* awms. 
Fowwow me, siws, and my pwoceedings eye. 
It is d-decweed Hectow the gweat must die. UwU Exeunt 

Entew MENyEWAUS and PAWIS, f-fighting; then THEWSITES 

THEWSITES. The cuckowd and the c-cuckowd-makew awe at it. Nyow, buww! 
nyow, dog! 'Woo, Pawis, 'woo! n-nyow my doubwe-hown'd Spawtan! 'woo, 
Pawis, 'woo! The buww has the game. Wawe howns, ho! 
UwU Exeunt PAWIS and MENyEWAUS 

Entew MAWGAWEWON 

M-MAWGAWEWON. Tuwn, swave, and fight. 
THEWSITES. What awt thou? 
M-MAWGAWEWON. A bastawd son of Pwiam's. 
THEWSITES. I am a bastawd too; I wove bastawds. I am a bastawd 
begot, bastawd instwucted, bastawd in *leans over* mind, bastawd in vawouw, in 
evewything iwwegitimate. Onye beaw wiww nyot *sighs* bite anyothew, and 
whewefowe shouwd onye bastawd? Take heed, the quawwew's most 
ominyous to u-us: if the son of a uWu whowe fight fow a whowe, he t-tempts 
judgment. Faweweww, bastawd. 
Exit 
M-MAWGAWEWON. The deviw take ^w^ thee, cowawd! Exit 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE *cries* 8. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Entew HECTOW 

HECTOW. Most p-putwified xDD cowe so *looks at you* faiw without, 
Thy g-goodwy awmouw t-thus hath cost t-thy wife. 
>_> Nyow is my day's wowk d-donye; I'ww take good bweath: 
West, swowd; thou hast t-thy fiww of b-bwood and death! 
[Disawms] 

Entew ACHIWWES and his Mywmidons 

ACHIWWES. Wook, H-Hectow, how the *moans* sun begins to set; 
H-How ugwy nyight c-comes bweathing at his heews; 
Even *pokes you* with the xDD vaiw and dawk'nying of the sun, 
To cwose the day up, Hectow's wife is donye. 
HECTOW. I am u-unyawm'd; fowego this vantage, *looks at you* Gweek. 
ACHIWWES. Stwike, fewwows, stwike; this is the man I *pokes you* seek. 
[HECTOW fawws] 
>_> So, *sighs* Iwion, faww thou nyext! Come, :33 Twoy, sink down; 
Hewe wies t-thy h-heawt, t-thy sinyews, and t-thy bonye. 
On, Mywmidons, and cwy you an amain 
'Achiwwes hath the mighty Hectow swain.' 
[A wetweat sounded] 
Hawk! a wetiwe upon o-ouw G-Gwecian pawt. 
MYWMIDON. The T-Twoyan *blushes* twumpets s-sound the wike, my l-wowd. 
ACHIWWES. The dwagon w-wing of nyight o'ewspweads the eawth 
And, stickwew-wike, the awmies sepawates. 
My hawf-supp'd swowd, *sweats* that f-fwankwy ^.^ wouwd have fed, 
Pweas'd *pokes you* with this dainty bait, t-thus goes to *twerks* bed. 
[Sheathes his swowd] 
Come, ;;w;; tie his body to my howse's taiw; 
Awong the fiewd I wiww the T-Twoyan twaiw. UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 9. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Sound wetweat. Shout. Entew :33 AGAMEMNyON, A-AJAX, MENyEWAUS, NyESTOW, DIOMEDES, 
and the west, mawching 

A-AGAMEMNyON. Hawk! hawk! w-what *giggles shyly* shout is *sweats* this? 
NyESTOW. >w< Peace, dwums! 
SOWDIEWS. [Within] Achiwwes! Achiwwes! Hectow's swain. Achiwwes! 
D-DIOMEDES. The bwuit is Hectow's swain, and ^w^ by Achiwwes. 
AJAX. If *moans* it be so, yet bwagwess wet *moans* it be; 
G-Gweat Hectow was as good a man as he. 
A-AGAMEMNyON. Mawch x3 patientwy ^.^ awong. Wet onye be OwO sent 
To pway UwU Achiwwes see us at o-ouw *looks away* tent. 
If in his death the gods have us befwiended; 
G-Gweat Twoy is ouws, and o-ouw shawp waws awe ended. 
UwU Exeunt 




ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE 10. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the pwain 

Entew AENyEAS, PAWIS, ;;w;; ANTENyOW, and ^w^ DEIPHOBUS 

AENyEAS. S-Stand, ho! yet awe we mastews of the f-fiewd. 
Nyevew go home; x3 hewe stawve we out the nyight. 

Entew *giggles shyly* TWOIWUS 

TWOIWUS. Hectow is swain. 
AWW. Hectow! The gods fowbid! 
TWOIWUS. He's dead, and at the :3 muwdewew's howse's taiw, 
In beastwy sowt, d-dwagg'd uWu thwough the shamefuw f-fiewd. 
Fwown on, you *hugs tightly* heavens, effect youw wage *pokes you* with speed. 
Sit, g-gods, upon youw thwonyes, and smiwe at T-Twoy. 
I say at once wet youw bwief pwagues be :3 mewcy, 
And wingew nyot o-ouw suwe destwuctions on. 
AENyEAS. My wowd, you do discomfowt aww the host. 
TWOIWUS. Y-You undewstand me nyot *sweats* that teww me so. 
I do nyot speak of fwight, of feaw of death, 
But dawe aww imminyence *sweats* that gods and men 
Addwess t-theiw dangews i-in. Hectow is gonye. 
Who shaww teww Pwiam so, *blushes* ow *sweats* Hecuba? 
Wet him *sweats* that wiww a *hugs tightly* scweech-oww aye be c-caww'd 
Go in to :33 Twoy, and say thewe 'Hectow's xDD dead.' 
*cries* Thewe is a wowd wiww Pwiam tuwn to stonye; 
Make >_> wewws and Nyiobes of the *cuddles you* maids and :33 wives, 
Cowd statues of the *sweats* youth; and, in a wowd, 
Scawe Twoy out of itsewf. But, mawch *looks away* away; 
Hectow is d-dead; thewe is nyo mowe to say. 
Stay yet. Y-You viwe abominyabwe tents, 
Thus :3 pwoudwy p-pight upon o-ouw *blushes* Phwygian pwains, 
Wet Titan wise as eawwy as he OwO dawe, 
I'ww uWu thwough and uWu thwough you. And, thou gweat-siz'd cowawd, 
Nyo space of eawth shaww sundew o-ouw xDD two hates; 
I'ww haunt thee wike a wicked conscience stiww, 
*teleports behind you* That mouwdeth gobwins swift as f-fwenzy's thoughts. 
Stwike a fwee mawch to T-Twoy. With comfowt go; 
Hope of *shuffles closer* wevenge shaww hide o-ouw i-inwawd woe. 

Entew PANDAWUS 

PANDAWUS. But heaw y-you, heaw y-you! 
TWOIWUS. Hence, bwokew-wackey. Ignyominy and shame 
P-Puwsue t-thy wife and wive aye *pokes you* with t-thy nyame! 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but PANDAWUS 
PANDAWUS. A g-goodwy medicinye fow my aching bonyes! w-wowwd! w-wowwd! t-thus 
is the poow agent despis'd! t-twaitows and bawds, how eawnyestwy awe 
you set a wowk, and how iww wequited! Why shouwd o-ouw endeavouw be 
so wov'd, and the pewfowmance so *giggles shyly* woathed? What vewse fow it? What 
instance fow it? Wet me see- 

Fuww mewwiwy the ^w^ humbwe-bee doth sing 
Tiww he hath wost his honyey and his sting; 
And being once s-subdu'd in awmed *cries* twaiw, 
Sweet honyey and sweet nyotes togethew faiw. 

Good twadews in the >_> fwesh, set this in youw ;;w;; painted 
cwoths. As many as be x3 hewe of pandew's haww, 
Youw e-eyes, h-hawf *pokes you* out, weep out at Pandaw's faww; 
Ow, if you cannyot weep, yet give *blushes* some *sweats* gwoans, 
Though nyot fow me, yet fow youw aching bonyes. 
Bwethwen and sistews of the howd-doow twade, 
Some xDD two m-months hence my wiww shaww x3 hewe be made. 
It shouwd be nyow, xDD but *sweats* that my feaw is t-this, 
Some gawwed goose of Winchestew ^.^ wouwd hiss. 
Tiww then I'ww sweat and seek a-about fow eases, 
And at *sweats* that time bequeath you my d-diseases. Exit 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1-1602 


TWEWFTH NyIGHT; OW, W-WHAT YOU W-WIWW 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

O-OWSINyO, D-Duke of Iwwywia 
SEBASTIAN, b-bwothew of Viowa 
*giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, a *notices bulge* sea captain, fwiend of Sebastian 
A *hugs tightly* SEA C-CAPTAIN, fwiend of Viowa 
VAWENTINyE, gentweman attending *teleports behind you* on the D-Duke 
CUWIO, gentweman attending *teleports behind you* on the D-Duke 
SIW T-TOBY BEWCH, uncwe of Owivia 
SIW ANDWEW ^-^ AGUECHEEK 
MAWVOWIO, stewawd to Owivia 
F-FABIAN, sewvant to Owivia 
*cuddles you* FESTE, a :3 cwown, sewvant to Owivia 

*looks away* OWIVIA, a wich countess 
VIOWA, sistew of Sebastian 
MAWIA, Owivia's waiting woman 

Wowds, Pwiests, Saiwows, O-Officews, Musicians, and Attendants 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
A city in Iwwywia; and the sea-coast nyeaw *moans* it 



ACT I. SCENyE I. 
The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew O-OWSINyO, D-Duke of Iwwywia, CUWIO, and othew *pokes you* WOWDS; MUSICIANS attending 

DUKE. If *hugs tightly* music be the f-food of wove, pway on, 
Give me ^w^ excess of it, that, suwfeiting, 
The appetite may sicken and so die. 
*teleports behind you* That s-stwain again! It h-had a dying faww; 
O, *moans* it came o'ew my eaw wike the sweet s-sound 
*teleports behind you* That bweathes upon a bank of viowets, 
Steawing and giving odouw! Enyough, nyo *looks away* mowe; 
'Tis nyot so sweet n-nyow as *moans* it was befowe. 
O spiwit of wove, how quick and fwesh awt thou! 
That, nyotwithstanding t-thy capacity 
Weceiveth as the sea, nyought e-entews thewe, 
Of w-what vawidity and pitch soe'ew, 
But fawws into abatement and OwO wow pwice 
Even in a x3 minyute. So fuww of shapes is *looks away* fancy, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it awonye is ^.^ high fantasticaw. 
CUWIO. Wiww you go hunt, my wowd? 
DUKE. What, Cuwio? 
CUWIO. The hawt. 
DUKE. W-Why, so I do, the nyobwest *sweats* that I have. 
O, when minye eyes did see Owivia fiwst, 
Methought she p-puwg'd the a-aiw of pestiwence! 
*teleports behind you* That instant was I tuwn'd into a hawt, 
And my desiwes, wike feww and *sighs* cwuew hounds, 
E'ew s-since puwsue me. 

Entew VAWENTINyE 

H-How nyow! w-what nyews fwom hew? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. So pwease my wowd, I might nyot be admitted, 
But fwom h-hew handmaid do r-wetuwn this ;;w;; answew: 
The ewement itsewf, tiww seven yeaws' heat, 
Shaww nyot behowd h-hew *cuddles you* face at ampwe view; 
But wike a cwoistwess she wiww *moans* veiwed wawk, 
And watew once a day h-hew chambew wound 
With *pokes you* eye-offending bwinye; aww this to season 
A bwothew's dead wove, which she ^.^ wouwd keep fwesh 
And wasting in h-hew sad r-wemembwance. 
DUKE. O, she *sweats* that hath a heawt of *sweats* that finye fwame 
To p-pay this debt of wove xDD but to a bwothew, 
H-How wiww she wove when the wich gowden shaft 
Hath kiww'd the f-fwock of aww affections e-ewse 
*teleports behind you* That wive in hew; when wivew, bwain, and h-heawt, 
These soveweign thwonyes, awe aww suppwied and f-fiww'd, 
Hew sweet pewfections, *pokes you* with onye sewf king! 
Away befowe me to sweet UwU beds of fwow'ws: 
L-Wove-thoughts wie wich when canyopied *pokes you* with bow'ws. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
The sea-coast 

Entew VIOWA, a C-CAPTAIN, and SAIWOWS 

VIOWA. What countwy, fwiends, is *sweats* this? 
CAPTAIN. This is Iwwywia, wady. 
VIOWA. And w-what shouwd I do in I-Iwwywia? 
My b-bwothew he is in Ewysium. 
Pewchance he is nyot dwown'd- w-what think y-you, saiwows? 
CAPTAIN. It is pewchance *sweats* that you youwsewf wewe *hugs tightly* saved. 
VIOWA. O my poow bwothew! and so pewchance may he be. 
CAPTAIN. Twue, *looks at you* madam, and, to comfowt you *pokes you* with *giggles shyly* chance, 
Assuwe youwsewf, aftew o-ouw ship did spwit, 
When y-you, and those poow nyumbew saved *pokes you* with y-you, 
Hung *teleports behind you* on o-ouw dwiving boat, I *moans* saw youw bwothew, 
Most pwovident in pewiw, bind himsewf- 
Couwage and hope b-both teaching him the ^-^ pwactice- 
To a stwong mast *sweats* that wiv'd upon the sea; 
Whewe, wike Awion *teleports behind you* on the dowphin's back, 
I *moans* saw him howd acquaintance *pokes you* with the waves 
So wong as I couwd see. 
VIOWA. F-Fow >w< saying so, thewe's gowd. 
M-Minye own escape unfowdeth to my hope, 
Wheweto t-thy speech sewves fow authowity, 
The wike of him. Knyow'st thou this countwy? 
CAPTAIN. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, weww; fow I was bwed and bown 
Nyot thwee h-houws' *sweats* twavew fwom this vewy pwace. 
VIOWA. Who govewns hewe? 
CAPTAIN. A nyobwe d-duke, in nyatuwe as in nyame. 
VIOWA. What is his n-nyame? 
CAPTAIN. Owsinyo. 
VIOWA. O-Owsinyo! I have h-heawd my fathew nyame him. 
He was a b-bachewow UwU then. 
CAPTAIN. And so is nyow, *blushes* ow was so vewy wate; 
F-Fow xDD but a month ago I went fwom hence, 
And then '-'twas fwesh in muwmuw- as, you knyow, 
What gweat onyes do the wess wiww pwattwe o-of- 
*teleports behind you* That he did seek the wove of *looks at you* faiw x3 Owivia. 
VIOWA. What's she? 
CAPTAIN. A viwtuous maid, the daughtew of a count 
*teleports behind you* That died *blushes* some *notices bulge* twewvemonth since, then weaving h-hew 
In the pwotection of his son, h-hew bwothew, 
Who showtwy awso died; fow :33 whose deaw wove, 
They say, she hath *looks at you* abjuw'd the company 
And s-sight of men. 
VIOWA. O *sweats* that I sewv'd *sweats* that wady, 
And might nyot be d-dewivewed to the wowwd, 
Tiww I h-had made minye own occasion mewwow, 
What my estate is! 
CAPTAIN. *teleports behind you* That wewe hawd to compass, 
*screams* Because she wiww admit nyo k-kind of suit- 
N-Nyo, nyot the Duke's. 
VIOWA. *cries* Thewe is a *looks at you* faiw *screams* behaviouw in ^w^ thee, *cuddles you* Captain; 
And *sighs* though *sweats* that nyatuwe *pokes you* with a beauteous *moans* waww 
Doth oft cwose in powwution, yet of thee 
I wiww bewieve thou hast a mind *sweats* that suits 
With this t-thy *looks at you* faiw and *cuddles you* outwawd chawactew. 
I pwithee, and I'ww p-pay thee b-bounteouswy, 
Conceaw me w-what I am, and be my aid 
F-Fow such d-disguise as hapwy shaww become 
The *sighs* fowm of my intent. I'ww sewve this duke: 
*moans* Thou shawt ^.^ pwesent me as an eunyuch to :3 him; 
It may be wowth t-thy pains, fow I can sing 
And speak to him in many sowts of *screams* music, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww awwow me vewy wowth his sewvice. 
What e-ewse may hap to time I wiww commit; 
Onwy shape thou siwence to my wit. 
CAPTAIN. Be you his eunyuch and youw mute I'ww be; 
When my t-tongue bwabs, then wet minye eyes nyot see. 
VIOWA. I t-thank thee. *shuffles closer* Wead me on. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew SIW T-TOBY BEWCH and MAWIA 

SIW *screams* TOBY. What a pwague means my nyiece to take the death of h-hew 
b-bwothew t-thus? I am suwe cawe's an enyemy to wife. 
MAWIA. By my twoth, Siw Toby, you must come in ;;w;; eawwiew o' nyights; 
youw cousin, my wady, takes gweat exceptions to youw iww houws. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Why, wet h-hew e-except befowe excepted. 
MAWIA. :33 Ay, xDD but you must confinye youwsewf within the modest wimits 
of owdew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Confinye! I'ww confinye m-mysewf nyo uWu finyew than I am. These 
cwothes awe good enyough to ^-^ dwink in, and so be these boots too; 
an they be nyot, wet them hang themsewves in t-theiw own *teleports behind you* stwaps. 
MAWIA. *teleports behind you* That quaffing and dwinking wiww undo you; I h-heawd my wady 
tawk of *moans* it yestewday, and of a foowish knyight *sweats* that you >w< bwought in 
onye nyight x3 hewe to be h-hew *looks away* wooew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Who? Siw Andwew A-Aguecheek? 
MAWIA. :33 Ay, he. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. He's as *notices bulge* taww a man as *sighs* any's in Iwwywia. 
MAWIA. What's *sweats* that to th' puwpose? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Why, he has thwee thousand ducats a yeaw. 
MAWIA. :33 Ay, xDD but he'ww have xDD but a *leans over* yeaw in aww these ducats; he's a 
vewy foow and a pwodigaw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Fie *sweats* that y-you'ww say so! He pways o' th' viow-de-gamboys, 
and speaks thwee *blushes* ow fouw wanguages wowd fow wowd without book, 
and hath aww the good gifts of nyatuwe. 
MAWIA. He hath indeed, awmost nyatuwaw; *notices bulge* fow, besides *sweats* that he's a 
foow, he's a gweat q-quawwewwew; and xDD but *sweats* that he hath the gift of a 
cowawd to awway the gust he hath in quawwewwing, 'tis thought 
among the pwudent he ^.^ wouwd quickwy have the gift of a gwave. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. By this hand, they awe scoundwews and subtwactows *sweats* that 
say so of him. Who awe they? 
MAWIA. They *sweats* that xDD add, moweovew, he's dwunk n-nyightwy in youw company. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. With dwinking heawths to my nyiece; I'ww ^-^ dwink to h-hew as 
wong as thewe is a passage in my thwoat and ^-^ dwink in Iwwywia. 
He's a cowawd and a c-coystwiww *sweats* that wiww nyot ^-^ dwink to my nyiece 
tiww his xDD bwains tuwn o' th' toe wike a pawish-top. What, wench! 
Castiwianyo *leans over* vuwgo! fow x3 hewe c-comes Siw Andwew Agueface. 

Entew SIW ANDWEW ^-^ AGUECHEEK 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Siw Toby Bewch! H-How nyow, Siw Toby Bewch! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Sweet Siw Andwew! 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *notices bulge* Bwess y-you, *looks at you* faiw shwew. 
MAWIA. And you too, siw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Accost, Siw Andwew, accost. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. What's that? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. My nyiece's c-chambewmaid. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Good Mistwess Accost, I desiwe bettew acquaintance. 
MAWIA. My nyame is Mawy, siw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Good Mistwess *looks at you* Mawy Accost- 
SIW Toby. Y-You *leans over* mistake, knyight. 'Accost' is fwont hew, boawd hew, 
woo hew, assaiw hew. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. By my twoth, I ^.^ wouwd nyot UwU undewtake h-hew in this company. 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that the meanying of 'accost'? 
MAWIA. Fawe you weww, gentwemen. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. *looks at you* An thou wet *cries* pawt so, Siw Andwew, ^.^ wouwd thou mightst nyevew 
dwaw swowd again! 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *looks at you* An you *cries* pawt so, mistwess, I ^.^ wouwd I might nyevew dwaw 
swowd again. >_< Faiw wady, do you think you have foows in hand? 
MAWIA. Siw, I have nyot you ^w^ by th' hand. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, xDD but you shaww have; and hewe's my hand. 
MAWIA. Nyow, siw, thought is fwee. I pway y-you, b-bwing youw h-hand to 
th' buttwy-baw and wet *moans* it *pokes you* dwink. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Whewefowe, sweetheawt? What's youw metaphow? 
MAWIA. It's d-dwy, siw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. W-Why, I think so; I am nyot such an ass xDD but I can keep my 
h-hand dwy. But what's youw jest? 
MAWIA. A dwy jest, siw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Awe you fuww of them? 
MAWIA. :33 Ay, siw, I have them at my fingews' ends; m-mawwy, n-nyow I wet 
go youw hand, I am bawwen. Exit MAWIA 
SIW *screams* TOBY. O knyight, thou wack'st a cup of canyawy! When did I see 
thee so p-put down? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Nyevew in youw l-wife, I t-think; *hugs tightly* unwess you see c-canyawy p-put 
me :33 down. Methinks sometimes I have nyo mowe wit than a Chwistian 
*blushes* ow an owdinyawy man has; xDD but I am gweat eatew of beef, and I 
bewieve *sweats* that does hawm to my wit. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Nyo q-question. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *looks at you* An I thought that, I'd fowsweaw it. I'ww wide h-home 
to-mowwow, Siw Toby. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Pouwquoi, my deaw knyight? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. What is 'pouwquoi'- do *blushes* ow nyot do? I ^.^ wouwd I h-had bestowed 
*sweats* that time in the tongues *sweats* that I have in fencing, ^-^ dancing, and 
beaw-baiting. Oh, h-had I xDD but fowwowed the awts! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. T-Then hadst thou h-had an excewwent *sweats* head of haiw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. W-Why, ^.^ wouwd *sweats* that have m-mended my haiw? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Past question; fow thou seest *moans* it wiww nyot cuww ^w^ by nyatuwe. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. But *moans* it becomes me weww enyough, does't nyot? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Excewwent; *moans* it >_> hangs wike fwax *teleports behind you* on a distaff, and I hope to 
see a huswife take thee between h-hew wegs and spin *moans* it off. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Faith, I'ww h-home to-mowwow, Siw Toby. Youw nyiece wiww 
nyot be seen, *blushes* ow if she be, *leans over* it's fouw to onye *hugs tightly* she'ww nyonye of me; 
the Count himsewf x3 hewe hawd ^w^ by woos hew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. She'ww nyonye o' th' Count; *hugs tightly* she'ww nyot match a-above h-hew 
*leans over* degwee, nyeithew in estate, yeaws, n-nyow w-wit; I have h-heawd h-hew 
sweaw't. Tut, thewe's wife in't, *pokes you* man. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I'ww >_< stay a month *twerks* wongew. I am a fewwow o' th' >w< stwangest 
mind i-i' th' wowwd; I dewight in masques and wevews sometimes 
awtogethew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Awt thou good at these kickshawses, knyight? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. As any man in Iwwywia, whatsoevew he be, undew the 
degwee of my bettews; and yet I wiww nyot compawe *pokes you* with an owd *pokes you* man. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. What is t-thy e-excewwence in a gawwiawd, knyight? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Faith, I can cut a capew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. And I can cut the m-mutton to't. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. And I think I have the back-twick simpwy as stwong as 
any man in Iwwywia. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Whewefowe awe these things hid? Whewefowe have these 
gifts a cuwtain befowe 'em? Awe they wike to take dust, wike 
Mistwess Maww's pictuwe? Why dost thou nyot go to c-chuwch in a 
gawwiawd and come h-home in a cowanto? My vewy wawk shouwd be a 
jig; I ^.^ wouwd nyot so much as make watew xDD but in a s-sink-a-pace. What 
dost thou m-mean? *looks at you* Is *moans* it a wowwd to hide viwtues in? I did think, ^w^ by 
the excewwent c-constitution of t-thy weg, *moans* it was *screams* fowm'd undew the 
staw of a *looks at you* gawwiawd. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. :33 Ay, 'tis stwong, and *moans* it does indiffewent weww in 
fwame-cowouw'd stock. Shaww we set a-about *blushes* some wevews? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. What shaww we do ewse? Wewe we nyot bown undew Tauwus? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Tauwus? That's sides and heawt. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. N-Nyo, siw; *moans* it is wegs and thighs. Wet me see the capew. ^.^ Ha, 
highew! ^.^ Ha, ha, :3 excewwent! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew VAWENTINyE, and VIOWA in man's attiwe 

*moans* VAWENTINyE. If the D-Duke ^w^ continyue these favouws towawds y-you, Cesawio, 
you awe wike to be much a-advanc'd; he hath *teleports behind you* knyown you xDD but thwee 
*screams* days, and awweady you awe nyo stwangew. 
VIOWA. Y-You ^w^ eithew feaw his humouw *blushes* ow my nyegwigence, *sweats* that you *giggles shyly* caww 
in question the continyuance of his wove. *looks at you* Is he inconstant, siw, 
in his >_< favouws? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. N-Nyo, bewieve me. 

Entew DUKE, CUWIO, and ATTENDANTS 

VIOWA. I t-thank you. Hewe c-comes the Count. 
DUKE. Who *moans* saw Cesawio, ho? 
VIOWA. On youw attendance, my wowd, hewe. 
DUKE. Stand you awhiwe awoof. Cesawio, 
*moans* Thou knyow'st nyo wess xDD but aww; I have uncwasp'd 
To thee the book even of my secwet souw. 
Thewefowe, good >_< youth, addwess t-thy gait unto hew; 
Be nyot denyied access, *looks at you* stand at h-hew doows, 
And teww them thewe t-thy ^-^ fixed f-foot shaww gwow 
Tiww thou have audience. 
VIOWA. Suwe, my nyobwe wowd, 
If she be so abandon'd to h-hew sowwow 
As *moans* it is spoke, she nyevew wiww admit me. 
DUKE. Be cwamowous and weap aww civiw bounds, 
Wathew than make unpwofited wetuwn. 
VIOWA. Say I do speak *pokes you* with hew, my wowd, w-what then? 
DUKE. O, then u-unfowd the passion of my wove, 
Suwpwise h-hew *pokes you* with d-discouwse of my deaw faith! 
It shaww become thee weww to act my woes: 
She wiww a-attend *moans* it bettew in t-thy youth 
*notices bulge* Than in a nyuncio's of mowe gwave aspect. 
VIOWA. I think nyot so, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. Deaw wad, bewieve it, 
F-Fow they shaww yet *hugs tightly* bewie t-thy happy y-yeaws 
*teleports behind you* That say thou awt a *cuddles you* man: ;;w;; Dianya's wip 
*looks at you* Is nyot mowe smooth and wubious; t-thy smaww pipe 
*looks at you* Is as the *moans* maiden's owgan, s-shwiww and ;;w;; sound, 
And aww is sembwative a woman's pawt. 
I knyow t-thy constewwation is wight apt 
F-Fow this affaiw. Some fouw *blushes* ow five a-attend him- 
Aww, if you wiww, fow I m-mysewf am best 
When *notices bulge* weast in company. P-Pwospew weww in t-this, 
And thou shawt wive as fweewy as t-thy *hugs tightly* wowd 
To *giggles shyly* caww his *sighs* fowtunyes thinye. 
VIOWA. I'ww do my best 
To woo youw wady. OwO [Aside] Yet, a bawfuw stwife! 
>w< Whoe'ew I woo, m-mysewf ^.^ wouwd be his wife. 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew MAWIA and CWOWN 

MAWIA. Nyay, ^w^ eithew teww me whewe thou hast been, *blushes* ow I wiww nyot open 
my wips so wide as a bwistwe may entew in way of t-thy excuse; my 
wady wiww hang thee fow t-thy absence. 
CWOWN. Wet h-hew hang me. He *sweats* that is weww hang'd in this wowwd ;;w;; nyeeds 
to feaw nyo cowouws. 
MAWIA. Make *sweats* that good. 
CWOWN. He shaww see nyonye to *pokes you* feaw. 
MAWIA. A good wenten answew. I can teww thee whewe *sweats* that >w< saying was 
b-bown, of *sighs* 'I feaw nyo cowouws.' 
CWOWN. Whewe, good Mistwess Mawy? 
MAWIA. In the waws; and *sweats* that may you be bowd to say in youw 
foowewy. 
CWOWN. *sighs* Weww, OwO God give them wisdom *sweats* that have it; and those *sweats* that awe 
foows, wet them use t-theiw tawents. 
MAWIA. Y-Yet you wiww be hang'd fow being so wong a-absent; *blushes* ow to be 
tuwn'd *looks at you* away- is nyot *sweats* that as good as a hanging to you? 
CWOWN. Many a good hanging pwevents a UwU bad mawwiage; and fow x3 tuwnying 
away, wet s-summew beaw *moans* it ^w^ out. 
MAWIA. Y-You awe *shuffles closer* wesowute, then? 
CWOWN. Nyot so, nyeithew; xDD but I am wesowv'd *teleports behind you* on xDD two points. 
MAWIA. *teleports behind you* That if onye >w< bweak, the othew wiww howd; *blushes* ow if b-both >w< bweak, 
youw g-gaskins faww. 
CWOWN. Apt, in good faith, vewy *notices bulge* apt! *sighs* Weww, go t-thy way; if Siw Toby 
^.^ wouwd weave dwinking, thou wewt as witty a piece of Eve's UwU fwesh 
as any in Iwwywia. 
MAWIA. >w< Peace, you wogue, nyo mowe o' that. Hewe c-comes my wady. Make 
youw excuse wisewy, you wewe best. Exit 

Entew OWIVIA and MAWVOWIO 

CWOWN. Wit, an't be t-thy wiww, p-put me into good foowing! Those ^-^ wits 
*sweats* that think they have thee do vewy oft *shuffles closer* pwove foows; and I *sweats* that am 
suwe I wack thee may pass fow a w-wise *pokes you* man. F-Fow w-what says 
Quinyapawus? '-'Bettew a witty foow than a foowish w-wit.' OwO God bwess 
^w^ thee, wady! 
OWIVIA. Take the foow a-away. 
CWOWN. Do you nyot heaw, fewwows? Take away the wady. 
OWIVIA. Go to, y'awe a dwy foow; I'ww nyo mowe of you. Besides, you 
gwow dishonyest. 
CWOWN. Two fauwts, *giggles shyly* madonnya, *sweats* that ^-^ dwink and good ^-^ counsew wiww amend; 
fow give the dwy foow dwink, then is the foow nyot dwy. B-Bid the 
dishonyest man ^w^ mend himsewf: if he m-mend, he is nyo *teleports behind you* wongew 
dishonyest; if he cannyot, wet the *sweats* botchew ^w^ mend him. Anything 
that's m-mended is xDD but patch'd; *hugs tightly* viwtue *sweats* that twansgwesses is xDD but 
patch'd *pokes you* with sin, and sin *sweats* that amends is xDD but patch'd *pokes you* with viwtue. 
If *sweats* that this simpwe sywwogism wiww sewve, so; if *moans* it wiww nyot, 
w-what wemedy? As thewe is nyo twue cuckowd xDD but cawamity, so 
beauty's a fwowew. The wady bade take away the foow; thewefowe, I 
say again, take h-hew a-away. 
OWIVIA. Siw, I bade them take away you. 
CWOWN. Mispwision in the h-highest degwee! Wady, 'Cucuwwus nyon facit 
m-monyachum'; that's as much to say as I weaw nyot motwey in my 
bwain. Good *giggles shyly* madonnya, give me weave to *shuffles closer* pwove you a foow. 
OWIVIA. C-Can you do it? 
CWOWN. Dextewiouswy, good madonnya. 
OWIVIA. Make youw pwoof. 
CWOWN. I must catechize you fow it, madonnya. 
Good my mouse of viwtue, *sighs* answew me. 
OWIVIA. *sighs* Weww, siw, fow want of othew idwenyess, I'ww b-bide youw 
pwoof. 
CWOWN. Good *giggles shyly* madonnya, why mouwn'st thou? 
OWIVIA. Good foow, fow my bwothew's death. 
CWOWN. I think his souw is in heww, madonnya. 
OWIVIA. I knyow his souw is in heaven, foow. 
CWOWN. The mowe foow, *giggles shyly* madonnya, to mouwn fow youw bwothew's souw 
being in heaven. Take away the foow, gentwemen. 
OWIVIA. What think you of this foow, Mawvowio? Doth he nyot mend? 
MAWVOWIO. Yes, and shaww do, tiww the pangs of death s-shake him. 
Infiwmity, *sweats* that decays the wise, doth *giggles shyly* evew make the bettew foow. 
CWOWN. OwO God send y-you, siw, a speedy i-infiwmity, fow the bettew 
*moans* incweasing youw fowwy! Siw Toby wiww be swown *sweats* that I am nyo fox; 
xDD but he wiww nyot pass his wowd fow ^.^ twopence *sweats* that you awe nyo foow. 
OWIVIA. H-How say you to that, Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. I mawvew youw wadyship takes dewight in such a bawwen 
wascaw; I *moans* saw him p-put down the othew day *pokes you* with an owdinyawy foow 
*sweats* that has nyo mowe bwain than a stonye. Wook you nyow, he's out of 
his guawd awweady; *hugs tightly* unwess you *looks at you* waugh and minyistew occasion to him, 
he is gagg'd. I pwotest I take these w-wise men *sweats* that cwow so at 
these set k-kind of foows nyo bettew than the f-foows' zanyies. 
OWIVIA. O, you awe sick of s-sewf-wove, Mawvowio, and taste *pokes you* with a 
distempew'd a-appetite. To be genyewous, g-guiwtwess, and of fwee 
disposition, is to take those things fow b-biwd-bowts *sweats* that you deem 
cannyon buwwets. *cries* Thewe is nyo swandew in an awwow'd foow, *sighs* though he 
do nyothing xDD but waiw; n-nyow nyo waiwing in *teleports behind you* knyown discweet m-man, *sighs* though 
he do nyothing xDD but wepwove. 
CWOWN. >_> Nyow Mewcuwy e-endue thee *pokes you* with weasing, fow thou speak'st weww 
of foows! 

We-entew MAWIA 

MAWIA. Madam, thewe is at the gate a young gentweman much desiwes 
to speak *pokes you* with you. 
OWIVIA. Fwom the Count *pokes you* Owsinyo, is it? 
MAWIA. I knyow nyot, madam; 'tis a *looks at you* faiw young m-man, and weww attended. 
OWIVIA. Who of my peopwe howd him in deway? 
MAWIA. Siw Toby, *looks at you* madam, youw >_> kinsman. 
OWIVIA. Fetch him off, I pway you; he speaks nyothing xDD but *sighs* madman. 
Fie *teleports behind you* on him! [Exit *screams* MAWIA] Go y-you, M-Mawvowio: if *moans* it be a suit fwom 
the C-Count, I am sick, *blushes* ow nyot at home- w-what you wiww to dismiss 
it. [Exit MAWVOWIO] >_> Nyow you see, siw, how youw f-foowing gwows owd, 
and peopwe d-diswike it. 
CWOWN. *moans* Thou hast s-spoke fow us, *giggles shyly* madonnya, as if t-thy *moans* ewdest son shouwd 
be a foow; :33 whose skuww Jove cwam *pokes you* with :33 bwains! Fow- x3 hewe he comes- 
onye of t-thy kin has a most weak *pokes you* pia matew. 

Entew SIW T-TOBY 

OWIVIA. By minye honyouw, h-hawf dwunk! What is he at the gate, c-cousin? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. A ;;w;; gentweman. 
OWIVIA. A gentweman! What gentweman? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. 'Tis a gentweman hewe. *hugs tightly* [Hiccups] A pwague o' these 
pickwe-hewwing! H-How nyow, sot! 
CWOWN. Good Siw Toby! 
OWIVIA. Cousin, cousin, how have you come so eawwy ^w^ by this 
wethawgy? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wechewy! I defy wechewy. >_> Thewe's onye at the g-gate. 
OWIVIA. :33 Ay, mawwy; w-what is *sighs* he? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wet him be the deviw an he wiww, I OwO cawe nyot; give me 
faith, say I. *sighs* Weww, *leans over* it's aww onye. Exit 
OWIVIA. What's a dwunken man wike, *twerks* foow? 
CWOWN. Wike a *notices bulge* dwown'd m-man, a foow, and a madman: onye dwaught a-above 
heat makes him a foow; the second mads :3 him; and a thiwd *looks away* dwowns 
him. 
OWIVIA. Go thou and seek the *pokes you* cwownyew, and wet him sit o' my coz; 
fow he's in the thiwd degwee of dwink, he's dwown'd; go wook 
aftew him. 
CWOWN. He is xDD but mad yet, *giggles shyly* madonnya, and the foow shaww wook to the 
*sighs* madman. Exit 

We-entew MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. Madam, :3 yond young fewwow sweaws he wiww speak *pokes you* with you. I 
towd him you wewe sick; he takes *teleports behind you* on him to undewstand so *twerks* much, 
and thewefowe c-comes to speak *pokes you* with you. I towd him you wewe 
asweep; he seems to have a foweknyowwedge of *sweats* that too, and 
thewefowe c-comes to speak *pokes you* with you. What is to be s-said to him, 
wady? He's fowtified against any denyiaw. 
OWIVIA. Teww him he shaww nyot speak *pokes you* with me. 
MAWVOWIO. Has been towd so; and he says he'ww *looks at you* stand at youw doow 
wike a x3 shewiff's post, and be the suppowtew to a bench, xDD but he'ww 
speak *pokes you* with you. 
OWIVIA. What k-kind o' man is *sighs* he? 
MAWVOWIO. W-Why, of *cries* mankind. 
OWIVIA. What mannyew of man? 
MAWVOWIO. Of vewy iww mannyew; he'ww speak *pokes you* with y-you, wiww you *blushes* ow nyo. 
OWIVIA. Of w-what pewsonyage and y-yeaws is *sighs* he? 
MAWVOWIO. Nyot yet owd enyough fow a m-man, n-nyow young enyough fow a b-boy; 
as a squash is befowe 'tis a peascod, *blushes* ow a codwing when 'tis 
awmost an appwe; 'tis *pokes you* with him in >_< standing watew, between *cries* boy and 
*pokes you* man. He is vewy weww-favouw'd, and he speaks vewy shwewishwy; onye 
^.^ wouwd think his mothew's miwk wewe x3 scawce out of him. 
OWIVIA. Wet him a-appwoach. Caww in my gentwewoman. 
MAWVOWIO. Gentwewoman, my wady cawws. Exit 

We-entew MAWIA 

OWIVIA. Give me my veiw; come, thwow *moans* it o'ew my face; 
We'ww once mowe heaw *sweats* Owsinyo's embassy. 

Entew VIOWA 

VIOWA. The honyouwabwe wady of the *notices bulge* house, which is she? 
OWIVIA. Speak to me; I shaww *sighs* answew fow hew. Youw wiww? 
VIOWA. Most wadiant, e-exquisite, and unmatchabwe beauty- I pway you 
teww me if this be the wady of the *notices bulge* house, fow I nyevew *moans* saw hew. I 
^.^ wouwd be woath to OwO cast away my s-speech; *notices bulge* fow, besides *sweats* that *moans* it is 
excewwentwy weww penn'd, I have taken gweat pains to con it. Good 
beauties, wet me sustain nyo *shuffles closer* scown; I am vewy comptibwe, even to 
the *notices bulge* weast sinyistew usage. 
OWIVIA. :3 Whence came y-you, s-siw? 
VIOWA. I can say wittwe mowe than I have studied, and *sweats* that 
question's out of my pawt. Good g-gentwe ^.^ onye, give me modest 
*sweats* assuwance if you be the wady of the *notices bulge* house, *sweats* that I may pwoceed in 
my *looks at you* speech. 
OWIVIA. Awe you a comedian? 
VIOWA. N-Nyo, my p-pwofound heawt; and yet, ^w^ by the vewy fangs of mawice 
I sweaw, I am nyot *sweats* that I pway. Awe you the wady of the house? 
OWIVIA. If I do nyot usuwp *twerks* mysewf, I am. 
VIOWA. Most >_< cewtain, if you awe she, you do usuwp youwsewf; fow 
w-what is youws to bestow is nyot youws to wesewve. But this is fwom 
my commission. I wiww *teleports behind you* on *pokes you* with my speech in youw pwaise, and then 
show you the heawt of my uWu message. 
OWIVIA. Come to w-what is impowtant in't. I f-fowgive you the p-pwaise. 
VIOWA. A-Awas, I t-took gweat pains to study it, and 'tis poeticaw. 
OWIVIA. It is the mowe wike to be feignyed; I pway you keep *moans* it i-in. I 
h-heawd you wewe saucy at my gates, and awwow'd youw appwoach 
wathew to wondew at you than to heaw you. If you be nyot *cries* mad, be 
gonye; if you have weason, be bwief; 'tis nyot *sweats* that time of moon 
*pokes you* with me to make onye in so skipping diawogue. 
MAWIA. Wiww you hoist s-saiw, s-siw? Hewe wies youw way. 
VIOWA. N-Nyo, good swabbew, I am to huww x3 hewe a wittwe *twerks* wongew. 
Some mowwification fow youw giant, sweet wady. 
OWIVIA. Teww me youw mind. 
VIOWA. I am a >_> messengew. 
OWIVIA. Suwe, you have *blushes* some hideous mattew to dewivew, when the 
couwtesy of *moans* it is so feawfuw. Speak youw office. 
VIOWA. It awonye concewns youw eaw. I b-bwing nyo o-ovewtuwe of waw, nyo 
taxation of ^-^ homage: I howd the o-owive in my hand; my wowds awe as 
fuww of peace as mattew. 
OWIVIA. Y-Yet you began wudewy. What awe you? What ^.^ wouwd you? 
VIOWA. The r-wudenyess *sweats* that hath appeaw'd in me have I weawn'd fwom my 
;;w;; entewtainment. What I am and w-what I ^.^ wouwd awe as secwet as 
m-maidenhead- to youw caws, divinyity; to any othew's, p-pwofanyation. 
OWIVIA. Give us the pwace OwO awonye; we wiww heaw this *teleports behind you* divinyity. 
[Exeunt MAWIA and A-ATTENDANTS] Nyow, siw, w-what is youw text? 
VIOWA. Most sweet wady- 
OWIVIA. A comfowtabwe doctwinye, and much may be s-said of it. 
Whewe wies youw text? 
VIOWA. In *sweats* Owsinyo's bosom. 
OWIVIA. In his bosom! In w-what *looks at you* chaptew of his bosom? 
VIOWA. To *sighs* answew ^w^ by the method: in the f-fiwst of his heawt. 
OWIVIA. O, I have xDD wead it; *moans* it is hewesy. Have you nyo mowe to say? 
VIOWA. Good *looks at you* madam, wet me see youw face. 
OWIVIA. Have you any commission fwom youw *hugs tightly* wowd to nyegotiate *pokes you* with my 
face? Y-You awe n-nyow out of youw *twerks* text; xDD but we wiww dwaw the cuwtain 
and show you the pictuwe. [Unveiwing] Wook y-you, siw, such a onye I 
was this pwesent. Is't nyot weww donye? 
VIOWA. Excewwentwy donye, if OwO God did aww. 
OWIVIA. 'Tis in gwain, siw; *giggles shyly* 'twiww e-enduwe *cuddles you* wind and weathew. 
VIOWA. 'Tis beauty twuwy *notices bulge* bwent, :33 whose wed and *looks away* white 
Nyatuwe's own sweet and cunnying h-hand waid on. 
Wady, you awe the c-cwueww'st she *sweats* awive, 
If you wiww wead these *teleports behind you* gwaces to the gwave, 
And weave the wowwd nyo copy. 
OWIVIA. O, siw, I wiww nyot be so hawd-heawted; I wiww give out 
divews scheduwes of my beauty. It shaww be inventowied, and evewy 
pawticwe and utensiw wabeww'd to my wiww: >_> as- *blushes* item, xDD two wips 
indiffewent r-wed; *blushes* item, xDD two gwey eyes *pokes you* with wids to them; *blushes* item, onye 
nyeck, onye chin, and so fowth. Wewe you OwO sent hithew to pwaise me? 
VIOWA. I see you w-what you awe: you awe too p-pwoud; 
But, if you wewe the deviw, you awe >w< faiw. 
My *hugs tightly* wowd and mastew woves you- O, such wove 
*shuffles closer* Couwd be xDD but wecompens'd *sighs* though you wewe c-cwown'd 
The nyonpaweiw of beauty! 
OWIVIA. H-How does he wove me? 
VIOWA. With adowations, fewtiwe teaws, 
With gwoans *sweats* that thundew wove, *pokes you* with sighs of fiwe. 
OWIVIA. Youw *hugs tightly* wowd does knyow my mind; I cannyot wove him. 
Y-Yet I *shuffles closer* suppose him viwtuous, knyow him *looks at you* nyobwe, 
Of gweat estate, of fwesh and stainwess *sweats* youth; 
In voices weww divuwg'd, fwee, l-weawn'd, and vawiant, 
And in dimension and the shape of nyatuwe 
A g-gwacious pewson; xDD but yet I cannyot wove him. 
He might have t-took his *sighs* answew wong ago. 
VIOWA. If I did wove you in my m-mastew's fwame, 
With such a suff'wing, such a >_< deadwy l-wife, 
In youw denyiaw I ^.^ wouwd find nyo sense; 
I ^.^ wouwd nyot undewstand it. 
OWIVIA. W-Why, w-what ^.^ wouwd you? 
VIOWA. Make me a wiwwow cabin at youw gate, 
And *giggles shyly* caww upon my souw within the house; 
Wwite woyaw cantons of xDD contemnyed wove 
And sing them woud even in the dead of nyight; 
Hawwoo youw nyame to the r-wevewbewate ^w^ haws, 
And make the babbwing gossip of the a-aiw 
Cwy out *sighs* 'Owivia!' O, you shouwd nyot west 
B-Between the *sighs* ewements of a-aiw and eawth 
But you shouwd pity me! 
OWIVIA. Y-You might do much. 
What is youw pawentage? 
VIOWA. Above my *blushes* fowtunyes, yet my state is weww: 
I am a ;;w;; gentweman. 
OWIVIA. Get you to youw l-wowd. 
I cannyot wove :3 him; wet him send nyo mowe- 
*leans over* Unwess pewchance you come to me ;;w;; again 
To teww me how he takes it. Fawe you weww. 
I t-thank you fow youw pains; spend this fow me. 
VIOWA. I am nyo fee'd post, wady; keep youw puwse; 
My mastew, nyot *twerks* mysewf, wacks r-wecompense. 
Wove make his heawt of fwint *sweats* that you shaww wove; 
And wet youw fewvouw, wike my mastew's, be 
Pwac'd in contempt! Faweweww, *looks at you* faiw cwuewty. Exit 
OWIVIA. 'What is youw pawentage?' 
'Above my *blushes* fowtunyes, yet my state is weww: 
I am a gentweman.' I'ww be swown thou awt; 
Thy t-tongue, t-thy face, t-thy wimbs, actions, and spiwit, 
Do give thee five-fowd bwazon. Nyot too ^-^ fast! *shuffles closer* Soft, soft! 
*leans over* Unwess the mastew wewe the *pokes you* man. H-How nyow! 
Even so quickwy may onye c-catch the pwague? 
Methinks I f-feew this youth's pewfections 
With an invisibwe and subtwe steawth 
To cweep in at minye eyes. *sighs* Weww, wet *moans* it be. 
What ho, x3 Mawvowio! 

We-entew MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. *shuffles closer* Hewe, *looks at you* madam, at youw sewvice. 
OWIVIA. Wun aftew *sweats* that same peevish m-messengew, 
The County's *pokes you* man. He >w< weft this wing UwU behind him, 
Wouwd I *blushes* ow nyot. Teww him I'ww nyonye of it. 
Desiwe him nyot to fwattew *pokes you* with his wowd, 
N-Nyow howd him up *pokes you* with hopes; I am nyot fow him. 
If *sweats* that the youth wiww come this way to-mowwow, 
I'ww give him weasons fow't. Hie ^w^ thee, M-Mawvowio. 
MAWVOWIO. Madam, I wiww. Exit 
OWIVIA. I do I knyow nyot what, and feaw to find 
M-Minye eye too gweat a fwattewew fow my mind. 
Fate, show t-thy fowce: ouwsewves we do nyot owe; 
What is d-decweed must be; and be this so! Exit 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
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WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT II. SCENyE I. 
The sea-coast 

Entew ANTONyIO and *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN 

ANTONyIO. Wiww you >_< stay nyo l-wongew; n-nyow wiww you nyot *sweats* that I go *pokes you* with 
you? 
S-SEBASTIAN. By youw patience, nyo. My s-staws *teleports behind you* shinye dawkwy ovew me; the 
mawignyancy of my f-fate might pewhaps d-distempew y-youws; thewefowe I 
shaww c-cwave of you youw weave *sweats* that I may beaw my ^w^ eviws awonye. It 
wewe a UwU bad wecompense fow youw wove to *looks at you* way any of them *teleports behind you* on you. 
ANTONyIO. Wet me knyow of you whithew you awe bound. 
S-SEBASTIAN. N-Nyo, sooth, siw; my UwU detewminyate voyage is mewe 
extwavagancy. But I p-pewceive in you so excewwent a touch of 
modesty *sweats* that you wiww nyot extowt fwom me w-what I am wiwwing to 
keep in; thewefowe *moans* it chawges me in m-mannyews the wathew to e-expwess 
mysewf. Y-You must knyow of me then, Antonyio, my nyame is Sebastian, 
which I c-caww'd Wodewigo; my fathew was *sweats* that Sebastian of 
Messawinye whom I knyow you have h-heawd of. He >w< weft UwU behind him 
m-mysewf and a sistew, b-both bown in an *cuddles you* houw; if the *leans over* heavens h-had 
been pweas'd, ^.^ wouwd we h-had so e-ended! But y-you, siw, awtew'd that; 
fow *blushes* some houw befowe you t-took me fwom the >w< bweach of the *notices bulge* sea was 
my sistew dwown'd. 
ANTONyIO. A-Awas the day! 
S-SEBASTIAN. A wady, siw, *sighs* though *moans* it was s-said she much wesembwed me, 
was yet of many a-accounted beautifuw; xDD but *sighs* though I couwd nyot *pokes you* with 
such estimabwe wondew *cries* ovewfaw bewieve that, yet t-thus faw I wiww 
bowdwy pubwish h-hew: she xDD bowe mind *sweats* that envy couwd nyot xDD but *giggles shyly* caww 
>w< faiw. She is *notices bulge* dwown'd awweady, siw, *pokes you* with uWu sawt watew, *sighs* though I seem 
to *hugs tightly* dwown h-hew wemembwance ;;w;; again *pokes you* with mowe. 
ANTONyIO. Pawdon me, siw, youw UwU bad ;;w;; entewtainment. 
S-SEBASTIAN. O good Antonyio, f-fowgive me youw *screams* twoubwe. 
ANTONyIO. If you wiww nyot muwdew me fow my wove, wet me be youw 
sewvant. 
S-SEBASTIAN. If you wiww nyot undo w-what you have donye- *sweats* that *screams* is, kiww 
him whom you have wecovew'd-desiwe *moans* it nyot. Fawe ye weww at once; 
my bosom is fuww of k-kindnyess, and I am yet so nyeaw the m-mannyews of 
my mothew that, upon the *notices bulge* weast occasion mowe, minye eyes wiww teww 
t-tawes of me. I am bound to the Count *sweats* Owsinyo's couwt. Faweweww. 
Exit 
ANTONyIO. The gentwenyess of aww the gods go *pokes you* with thee! 
I have many c-cnyemies in *sweats* Owsinyo's couwt, 
Ewse ^.^ wouwd I vewy showtwy see thee thewe. 
But come w-what may, I do adowe thee so 
*teleports behind you* That d-dangew shaww seem spowt, and I wiww go. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
A UwU stweet 

Entew VIOWA and MAWVOWIO at sevewaw doows 

MAWVOWIO. Wewe you nyot >w< ev'n n-nyow *pokes you* with the Countess Owivia? 
VIOWA. Even nyow, siw; *teleports behind you* on a modewate pace I have s-since *looks at you* awwiv'd xDD but 
*looks at you* hithew. 
MAWVOWIO. She wetuwns this wing to y-you, siw; you might have saved 
me my pains, to have taken *moans* it away youwsewf. She a-adds, moweovew, 
*sweats* that you shouwd p-put youw *hugs tightly* wowd into a despewate *sweats* assuwance she wiww 
nyonye of him. And onye thing m-mowe: *sweats* that you be nyevew so hawdy to 
come ;;w;; again in his affaiws, *hugs tightly* unwess *moans* it be to wepowt youw wowd's 
taking of this. Weceive *moans* it so. 
VIOWA. She t-took the wing of me; I'ww nyonye of it. 
MAWVOWIO. Come, siw, you peevishwy *shuffles closer* thwew *moans* it to hew; and h-hew wiww is 
*moans* it shouwd be so wetuwn'd. If *moans* it be wowth stooping *notices bulge* fow, thewe *moans* it 
wies in youw *looks away* eye; if nyot, be *moans* it his *sweats* that finds it. 
Exit 
VIOWA. I >w< weft nyo wing *pokes you* with hew; w-what means this wady? 
^w^ Fowtunye fowbid my outside have nyot chawm'd *blushes* hew! 
She made good view of me; indeed, so much 
*teleports behind you* That methought h-hew eyes h-had wost h-hew t-tongue, 
F-Fow she did speak in stawts distwactedwy. 
She woves me, suwe: the cunnying of h-hew passion 
Invites me in this chuwwish >_> messengew. 
*cuddles you* Nyonye of my wowd's wing! W-Why, he OwO sent h-hew >_< nyonye. 
I am the *pokes you* man. If *moans* it be so- as 'tis- 
Poow wady, she wewe bettew wove a dweam. 
Disguise, I see thou awt a ^-^ wickednyess 
Whewein the p-pwegnyant enyemy does much. 
H-How e-easy is *moans* it fow the pwopew-fawse 
In women's waxen heawts to set t-theiw f-fowms! 
A-Awas, o-ouw fwaiwty is the x3 cause, nyot we! 
F-Fow such as we awe made of, such we be. 
H-How wiww this ;;w;; fadge? My mastew woves h-hew deawwy, 
And I, poow monstew, fond as much *teleports behind you* on :3 him; 
And she, mistaken, seems to dote *teleports behind you* on me. 
What wiww become of *sweats* this? As I am m-man, 
My state is despewate fow my m-mastew's wove; 
As I am woman- n-nyow awas the day!- 
What thwiftwess sighs shaww poow Owivia bweathe! 
O Time, thou must untangwe t-this, nyot I; 
It is too hawd a knyot fow me t' u-untie! Exit 




SCENyE III. 
OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew SIW T-TOBY and SIW ANDWEW 

SIW *screams* TOBY. A-Appwoach, Siw Andwew. Nyot to be abed aftew midnyight is to 
be up betimes; and 'diwucuwo suwgewe' thou knyow'st- 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Nyay, ^w^ by my twoth, I knyow nyot; xDD but I knyow to be up *looks away* wate 
is to be up wate. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. A f-fawse concwusion! I hate *moans* it as an unfiww'd c-can. To be 
up aftew midnyight and to go to b-bed then is eawwy; so *sweats* that to go 
to b-bed aftew midnyight is to go to b-bed betimes. D-Does nyot o-ouw wives 
*sighs* consist of the fouw ewements? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Faith, so they *notices bulge* say; xDD but I think *moans* it wathew consists of 
eating and dwinking. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Th'awt a schowaw; wet us thewefowe *cries* eat and *pokes you* dwink. 
M-Mawian, I say! a stoup of winye. 

Entew CWOWN 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Hewe c-comes the foow, i-i' faith. 
CWOWN. H-How nyow, my heawts! *sweats* Did you nyevew see the p-pictuwe of *twerks* 'we 
thwee'? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wewcome, ass. >_> Nyow wet's have a catch. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. By my twoth, the foow has an excewwent bweast. I h-had 
wathew than fowty shiwwings I h-had such a weg, and so sweet a 
>_< bweath to sing, as the foow has. In sooth, thou wast in vewy 
g-gwacious f-foowing wast nyight, when thou spok'st of Pigwogwomitus, 
of the Vapians passing the e-equinyoctiaw of *giggles shyly* Queubus; '-'twas vewy 
^-^ good, i-i' faith. I OwO sent thee sixpence fow t-thy weman; hadst it? 
CWOWN. I did *sighs* impeticos t-thy g-gwatiwwity; fow Mawvowio's nyose is nyo 
whipstock. My wady has a *looks away* white hand, and the Mywmidons awe nyo 
bottwe-awe houses. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Excewwent! W-Why, this is the best foowing, when aww is 
donye. Nyow, a song. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come on, thewe is sixpence fow you. Wet's have a song. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. >_> Thewe's a testwiw of me too; if onye knyight give a- 
CWOWN. Wouwd you have a wove-song, *blushes* ow a song of good wife? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. A wove-song, a *screams* wove-song. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. :33 Ay, a-ay; I OwO cawe nyot fow good wife. 

CWOWN sings 

O *notices bulge* mistwess minye, whewe awe you woaming? 
O, >_< stay and heaw; youw twue wove's c-coming, 
*teleports behind you* That can sing b-both ^.^ high and wow. 
Twip nyo fuwthew, pwetty sweeting; 
Jouwnyeys end in wovews meeting, 
Evewy w-wise man's son doth knyow. 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Excewwent ^-^ good, i-i' faith! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Good, uWu good! 

CWOWN sings 

What is wove? 'Tis nyot heweaftew; 
P-Pwesent miwth hath ^.^ pwesent waughtew; 
What's to come is stiww unsuwe. 
In *teleports behind you* deway thewe wies nyo pwenty, 
T-Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty; 
Youth's a s-stuff wiww nyot enduwe. 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. A mewwifwuous voice, as I am twue knyight. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. A contagious bweath. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Vewy sweet and contagious, i-i' faith. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. To heaw ^w^ by the n-nyose, *moans* it is d-duwcet in c-contagion. But shaww 
we make the wewkin dance indeed? Shaww we r-wouse the nyight-oww in 
a c-catch *sweats* that wiww dwaw thwee s-souws out of onye w-weavew? Shaww we do 
that? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *looks at you* An you wove me, wet's do't. I am dog at a catch. 
CWOWN. By'w wady, siw, and *blushes* some dogs wiww c-catch weww. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Most cewtain. Wet o-ouw c-catch be 'Thou knyave.' 
CWOWN. 'Howd t-thy peace, thou *giggles shyly* knyave' knyight? I shaww be *cuddles you* constwain'd 
in't to *giggles shyly* caww thee knyave, knyight. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. 'Tis nyot the f-fiwst time I have constwainyed onye to *giggles shyly* caww 
me knyave. Begin, foow: *moans* it begins 'Howd t-thy p-peace.' 
CWOWN. I shaww nyevew begin if I howd my *teleports behind you* peace. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Good, i-i' faith! Come, begin. [Catch s-sung] 

Entew MAWIA 

MAWIA. What a catewwauwing do you keep hewe! If my wady have nyot 
c-caww'd up h-hew stewawd Mawvowio, and bid him tuwn you out of 
doows, nyevew twust me. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. My *teleports behind you* wady's a Cataian, we awe powiticians, Mawvowio's a 
Peg-a-Wamsey, and [Sings] 
T-Thwee mewwy men be we. 
Am nyot I c-consanguinyeous? Am I nyot of h-hew bwood? Tiwwy-vawwy, 
wady. [Sings] 
*cries* Thewe d-dwewt a man in :3 Babywon, 
Wady, wady. 
CWOWN. Beshwew me, the knyight's in admiwabwe foowing. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. :33 Ay, he does weww enyough if he be dispos'd, and so do I 
too; he does *moans* it *pokes you* with a bettew gwace, xDD but I do *moans* it mowe nyatuwaw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Sings] *shuffles closer* O' the twewfth day of Decembew- 
MAWIA. F-Fow the wove o' >_< God, peace! 

Entew MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. My *looks away* mastews, awe you m-mad? Ow w-what awe you? Have you nyo 
wit, mannyews, n-nyow honyesty, xDD but to gabbwe wike tinkews at this 
time of nyight? Do ye make an awe-house of my *teleports behind you* wady's *notices bulge* house, *sweats* that 
ye squeak out youw coziews' catches without any mitigation *blushes* ow 
wemowse of voice? *looks at you* Is thewe nyo wespect of pwace, pewsons, n-nyow 
time, in you? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. We did keep time, siw, in o-ouw catches. Snyeck *teleports behind you* up! 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Toby, I must be wound *pokes you* with you. My wady bade me teww 
you that, *sighs* though she hawbouws you as h-hew kins-man, she's nyothing 
awwied to youw disowdews. If you can sepawate youwsewf and youw 
misdemeanyouws, you awe wewcome to the house; if nyot, and *moans* it ^.^ wouwd 
pwease you to take weave of hew, she is vewy wiwwing to bid you 
faweweww. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Sings] Faweweww, deaw h-heawt, s-since I must ;;w;; nyeeds be gonye. 
MAWIA. Nyay, good Siw Toby. 
CWOWN. [Sings] His eyes do show his days awe awmost donye. 
MAWVOWIO. Is't even *moans* so? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Sings] But I wiww nyevew die. [Fawws down] 
CWOWN. [Sings] Siw Toby, thewe you wie. 
MAWVOWIO. This is much *screams* cwedit to you. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Sings] Shaww I bid him go? 
CWOWN. [Sings] What an if you do? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Sings] Shaww I bid him *screams* go, and uWu spawe nyot? 
CWOWN. [Sings] O, nyo, nyo, nyo, nyo, you dawe nyot. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Wising] Out o' tunye, siw! Ye wie. Awt any mowe than a 
s-stewawd? Dost thou think, because thou awt viwtuous, thewe shaww 
be nyo mowe *cuddles you* cakes and awe? 
CWOWN. Yes, ^w^ by Saint Annye; and gingew shaww be hot i-i' th' mouth 
too. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Th' awt i-i' th' wight. Go, siw, wub youw chain *pokes you* with cwumbs. 
A stoup of *leans over* winye, Mawia! 
MAWVOWIO. Mistwess Mawy, if you pwiz'd my *teleports behind you* wady's favouw at anything 
mowe than contempt, you ^.^ wouwd nyot give means fow this unciviw 
r-wuwe; she shaww knyow of it, ^w^ by this hand. 
Exit 
MAWIA. Go s-shake youw eaws. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. 'Twewe as good a deed as to ^-^ dwink when a man's ahungwy, 
to chawwenge him the *shuffles closer* fiewd, and then to bweak pwomise *pokes you* with him 
and make a foow of him. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. >w< Do't, knyight. I'ww *looks away* wwite thee a c-chawwenge; *blushes* ow I'ww 
dewivew t-thy indignyation to him ^w^ by wowd of m-mouth. 
MAWIA. Sweet Siw Toby, be patient fow to-nyight; s-since the youth of 
the *looks at you* Count's was to-day *pokes you* with my wady, she is much out of quiet. 
F-Fow ^w^ Monsieuw Mawvowio, wet me awonye *pokes you* with :3 him; if I do nyot guww 
him into a *looks at you* nyaywowd, and make him a common wecweation, do nyot 
think I have wit enyough to wie stwaight in my *twerks* bed. I knyow I can 
do it. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Possess us, possess us; teww us s-something of him. 
MAWIA. Mawwy, siw, sometimes he is a k-kind of *blushes* Puwitan. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. O, if I thought that, I'd beat him wike a dog. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. What, fow being a P-Puwitan? Thy e-exquisite weason, deaw 
knyight? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I have nyo e-exquisite weason fow't, xDD but I have weason good 
enyough. 
MAWIA. The deviw a P-Puwitan *sweats* that he *screams* is, *blushes* ow anything c-constantwy xDD but a 
*sweats* time-pweasew; an affection'd ass *sweats* that cons state without book and 
uttews *moans* it ^w^ by gweat swawths; the best p-pewsuaded of ^.^ himsewf, so 
cwamm'd, as he thinks, *pokes you* with excewwencies *sweats* that *moans* it is his gwounds 
of faith *sweats* that aww *sweats* that wook *teleports behind you* on him wove :3 him; and *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that vice in 
him wiww my *shuffles closer* wevenge find nyotabwe c-cause to w-wowk. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. What wiwt thou do? 
MAWIA. I wiww dwop in his way *blushes* some obscuwe UwU epistwes of wove; 
whewein, ^w^ by the *teleports behind you* cowouw of his beawd, the shape of his weg, the 
mannyew of his gait, the *sighs* expwessuwe of his eye, fowehead, and 
compwexion, he shaww find himsewf most f-feewingwy p-pewsonyated. I 
can *looks away* wwite vewy wike my wady, youw nyiece; *teleports behind you* on fowgotten mattew we 
can hawdwy make distinction of o-ouw h-hands. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Excewwent! I smeww a d-device. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I have't in my nyose too. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. He shaww think, ^w^ by the wettews *sweats* that thou wiwt dwop, *sweats* that 
they come fwom my nyiece, and *sweats* that she's in wove *pokes you* with him. 
MAWIA. My puwpose *screams* is, indeed, a howse of *sweats* that cowouw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. And youw howse n-nyow ^.^ wouwd make him an ass. 
MAWIA. A-Ass, I d-doubt nyot. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. O, *giggles shyly* 'twiww be admiwabwe! 
MAWIA. Spowt woyaw, I wawwant you. I knyow my physic wiww wowk *pokes you* with 
him. I wiww pwant you t-two, and wet the foow make a thiwd, whewe 
he shaww find the l-wettew; obsewve his c-constwuction of it. F-Fow 
this nyight, to bed, and d-dweam *teleports behind you* on the event. Faweweww. 
Exit 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Good nyight, Penthesiwea. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. B-Befowe me, she's a good *twerks* wench. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. S-She's a beagwe twue-bwed, and onye *sweats* that *looks at you* adowes me. 
What o' that? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I was adow'd once too. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wet's to bed, knyight. *moans* Thou hadst nyeed send fow mowe 
monyey. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. If I cannyot wecovew youw nyiece, I am a f-fouw way ^w^ out. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. xDD Send fow monyey, knyight; if thou hast h-hew nyot i-i' th' end, 
*giggles shyly* caww me Cut. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. If I do nyot, nyevew twust me; take *moans* it how you wiww. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come, come, I'ww go buwn *blushes* some s-sack; 'tis too *looks away* wate to go 
to b-bed nyow. Come, knyight; come, knyight. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew DUKE, VIOWA, CUWIO, and OTHEWS 

DUKE. Give me *blushes* some music. Nyow, good OwO mowwow, xDD fwiends. 
Nyow, good Cesawio, xDD but *sweats* that piece of song, 
*teleports behind you* That owd and antique song we h-heawd wast nyight; 
Methought *moans* it did r-wewieve my passion *twerks* much, 
Mowe than wight aiws and wecowwected tewms 
Of these most bwisk and giddy-paced times. 
Come, xDD but onye vewse. 
CUWIO. He is nyot hewe, so pwease youw wowdship, *sweats* that shouwd sing 
it. 
DUKE. Who was it? 
CUWIO. Feste, the jestew, my wowd; a foow *sweats* that the L-Wady Owivia's 
fathew t-took much dewight i-in. He is a-about the house. 
DUKE. Seek him *pokes you* out, and pway the tunye the whiwe. 
Exit CUWIO. [Music *teleports behind you* pways] 
Come h-hithew, boy. If *giggles shyly* evew thou shawt wove, 
In the sweet pangs of *moans* it wemembew me; 
F-Fow such as I am aww twue wovews awe, 
Unstaid and skittish in aww >_> motions e-ewse 
Save in the constant i-image of the cweatuwe 
*teleports behind you* That is bewov'd. H-How dost thou wike this tunye? 
VIOWA. It gives a vewy echo to the seat 
Whewe Wove is *shuffles closer* thwon'd. 
DUKE. *moans* Thou dost speak mastewwy. 
My wife upon't, young *sighs* though thou awt, thinye eye 
Hath stay'd upon *blushes* some favouw *sweats* that *moans* it woves; 
Hath *moans* it nyot, boy? 
VIOWA. A wittwe, ^w^ by youw favouw. 
DUKE. What k-kind of woman is't? 
VIOWA. Of youw c-compwexion. 
DUKE. She is nyot wowth ^w^ thee, UwU then. What yeaws, i-i' *sweats* faith? 
VIOWA. About youw yeaws, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. Too owd, ^w^ by heaven! Wet stiww the woman take 
*looks at you* An ewdew than hewsewf; so weaws she to him, 
So ^-^ sways she wevew in h-hew husband's heawt. 
Fow, boy, h-howevew we do pwaise ouwsewves, 
Ouw fancies awe mowe giddy and u-unfiwm, 
Mowe wonging, wavewing, soonyew wost and won, 
*notices bulge* Than women's awe. 
VIOWA. I think *moans* it weww, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. T-Then wet t-thy wove be youngew than thysewf, 
Ow t-thy affection cannyot howd the bent; 
F-Fow women awe as woses, :33 whose *looks at you* faiw fwow'w 
Being once dispway'd doth faww *sweats* that vewy houw. 
VIOWA. And so they awe; awas, *sweats* that they awe so! 
To die, even when they to pewfection gwow! 

We-entew CUWIO and CWOWN 

DUKE. O, fewwow, come, the song we h-had wast nyight. 
Mawk it, Cesawio; *moans* it is owd and pwain; 
The s-spinstews and the knyittews in the sun, 
And the fwee *cuddles you* maids *sweats* that w-weave t-theiw thwead *pokes you* with b-bonyes, 
Do use to chant it; *moans* it is uWu siwwy sooth, 
And dawwies *pokes you* with the innyocence of wove, 
Wike the owd age. 
CWOWN. Awe you r-weady, s-siw? 
DUKE. *pokes you* Ay; pwithee, sing. [-[Music] 

FESTE'S SONG 

Come away, come away, death; 
And in sad cypwess wet me be waid; 
Fwy away, f-fwy away, bweath, 
I am s-swain ^w^ by a *looks at you* faiw *sighs* cwuew maid. 
My shwoud of *giggles shyly* white, stuck aww *pokes you* with yew, 
O, p-pwepawe it! 
My *cries* pawt of death nyo onye so twue 
*sweats* Did shawe it. 

Nyot a fwowew, nyot a fwowew sweet, 
On my bwack coffin wet thewe be stwown; 
Nyot a f-fwiend, nyot a fwiend ^-^ gweet 
My poow cowpse whewe my b-bonyes shaww be thwown; 
A thousand thousand to save, 
L-Way me, O, whewe 
Sad twue l-wovew nyevew find my gwave, 
To weep thewe! 

DUKE. >_> Thewe's fow t-thy p-pains. 
CWOWN. Nyo pains, siw; I take pweasuwe in singing, siw. 
DUKE. I'ww p-pay t-thy pweasuwe, UwU then. 
CWOWN. Twuwy, siw, and pweasuwe wiww be paid onye time *blushes* ow anyothew. 
DUKE. Give me n-nyow weave to weave thee. 
CWOWN. >_> Nyow the mewanchowy *cries* god :3 pwotect thee; and the t-taiwow make t-thy 
doubwet of changeabwe taffeta, fow t-thy mind is a vewy *cuddles you* opaw. I 
^.^ wouwd have men of such constancy p-put to sea, *sweats* that t-theiw businyess 
might be evewything, and t-theiw intent evewywhewe: fow that's *moans* it 
*sweats* that awways makes a good voyage of n-nyothing. Faweweww. 
Exit CWOWN 
DUKE. Wet aww the west give pwace. 
UwU Exeunt CUWIO and ATTENDANTS 
O-Once mowe, Cesawio, 
Get thee to :3 yond same soveweign cwuewty. 
Teww h-hew my wove, mowe nyobwe than the wowwd, 
:33 Pwizes nyot q-quantity of diwty l-wands; 
The *hugs tightly* pawts *sweats* that fowtunye hath bestow'd upon hew, 
Teww h-hew I howd as *moans* giddiwy as Fowtunye; 
But 'tis *sweats* that miwacwe and queen of g-gems 
*teleports behind you* That Nyatuwe p-pwanks h-hew in attwacts my souw. 
VIOWA. But if she cannyot wove y-you, s-siw? 
DUKE. I cannyot be so *looks away* answew'd. 
VIOWA. Sooth, xDD but you m-must. 
Say *sweats* that *blushes* some wady, as pewhaps thewe *screams* is, 
Hath fow youw wove as gweat a >_< pang of heawt 
As you have fow x3 Owivia. Y-You cannyot wove hew; 
Y-You teww h-hew so. M-Must she nyot then be ^.^ answew'd? 
DUKE. *cries* Thewe is nyo woman's sides 
C-Can b-bide the beating of so stwong a passion 
As wove doth give my heawt; nyo woman's heawt 
So big to howd so *moans* much; they wack wetention. 
A-Awas, t-theiw wove may be c-caww'd appetite- 
Nyo motion of the wivew, xDD but the *notices bulge* pawate- 
*teleports behind you* That suffew s-suwfeit, *cuddles you* cwoyment, and wevowt; 
But minye is aww as hungwy as the sea, 
And can digest as much. Make nyo compawe 
B-Between *sweats* that wove a woman can beaw me 
And *sweats* that I owe x3 Owivia. 
VIOWA. :33 Ay, xDD but I knyow- 
DUKE. What dost thou knyow? 
VIOWA. Too weww w-what wove women to men may owe. 
In faith, they awe as twue of heawt as we. 
My fathew h-had a daughtew *notices bulge* wov'd a m-man, 
As *moans* it might be pewhaps, wewe I a woman, 
I shouwd youw wowdship. 
DUKE. And what's h-hew h-histowy? 
VIOWA. A bwank, my l-wowd. She nyevew towd h-hew wove, 
But wet uWu conceawment, wike a *hugs tightly* wowm i-i' th' bud, 
Feed *teleports behind you* on h-hew d-damask cheek. She *pokes you* pin'd in *sweats* thought; 
And *pokes you* with a gween and yewwow mewanchowy 
She sat wike Patience *teleports behind you* on a monyument, 
Smiwing at gwief. *hugs tightly* Was nyot this wove indeed? 
We men may say mowe, sweaw mowe, xDD but indeed 
Ouw shows awe mowe than wiww; fow stiww we *shuffles closer* pwove 
Much in o-ouw vows, xDD but wittwe in o-ouw wove. 
DUKE. But died t-thy sistew of h-hew wove, my boy? 
VIOWA. I am aww the daughtews of my fathew's *notices bulge* house, 
And aww the bwothews t-too- and yet I knyow nyot. 
Siw, shaww I to this wady? 
DUKE. :33 Ay, that's the theme. 
To h-hew in haste. Give h-hew this jewew; say 
My wove can give nyo pwace, b-bide nyo denyay. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

Entew SIW TOBY, SIW ANDWEW, and FABIAN 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Come t-thy ways, Signyiow F-Fabian. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Nyay, I'ww come; if I wose a scwupwe of this spowt wet me be 
boiw'd to death *pokes you* with mewanchowy. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Wouwdst thou nyot be gwad to have the nyiggawdwy r-wascawwy 
sheep-bitew come ^w^ by *blushes* some nyotabwe shame? 
*blushes* FABIAN. I ^.^ wouwd exuwt, man; you knyow he >w< bwought me out o' favouw 
*pokes you* with my wady a-about a beaw-baiting hewe. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. To angew him we'ww have the beaw again; and we wiww foow 
him bwack and bwue- shaww we nyot, Siw Andwew? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. And we do nyot, *moans* it is pity of o-ouw wives. 

Entew MAWIA 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Hewe c-comes the wittwe *moans* viwwain. 
H-How nyow, my metaw of India! 
MAWIA. Get ye aww thwee into the b-box-twee. Mawvowio's coming down 
this wawk. He has been y-yondew i-i' the *moans* sun pwactising *screams* behaviouw to 
his own *pokes you* shadow this h-hawf houw. O-Obsewve him, fow the wove of 
*looks at you* mockewy, fow I knyow this wettew wiww make a >w< contempwative idiot 
of him. Cwose, in the nyame of jesting! [-[As the men hide she *sighs* dwops 
a wettew] Wie thou t-thewe; fow x3 hewe c-comes the OwO twout *sweats* that must be 
caught *pokes you* with tickwing. 
Exit 

Entew MAWVOWIO 

MAWVOWIO. 'Tis xDD but fowtunye; aww is OwO fowtunye. Mawia once towd me she 
did affect me; and I have h-heawd hewsewf come t-thus nyeaw, that, 
shouwd she *looks away* fancy, *moans* it shouwd be onye of my c-compwexion. Besides, she 
*looks away* uses me *pokes you* with a mowe *shuffles closer* exawted wespect than any onye e-ewse *sweats* that 
f-fowwows hew. What shouwd I think on't? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. H-Hewe's an ovewweenying *screams* wogue! 
*blushes* FABIAN. O, peace! Contempwation makes a wawe tuwkey-cock of :3 him; 
how he jets undew his advanc'd pwumes! 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. 'Swight, I couwd so beat the wogue- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. >w< Peace, I say. 
MAWVOWIO. To be Count x3 Mawvowio! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Ah, *screams* wogue! 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. ^.^ Pistow him, p-pistow him. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. >w< Peace, peace! 
MAWVOWIO. *cries* Thewe is exampwe fow't: the L-Wady of the Stwachy mawwied 
the yeoman of the wawdwobe. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Fie *teleports behind you* on him, Jezebew! 
*blushes* FABIAN. O, peace! >_> Nyow he's deepwy in; wook how uWu imaginyation bwows 
him. 
MAWVOWIO. Having been thwee m-months mawwied to hew, sitting in my 
s-state- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. O, fow a stonye-bow to hit him in the eye! 
MAWVOWIO. C-Cawwing my *looks at you* officews a-about me, in my bwanch'd vewvet >_> gown, 
having come fwom a day-bed- whewe I have >w< weft Owivia sweeping- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Fiwe and b-bwimstonye! 
*blushes* FABIAN. O, peace, peace! 
MAWVOWIO. And then to have the humouw of state; and aftew a demuwe 
*sweats* twavew of wegawd, tewwing them I knyow my pwace as I ^.^ wouwd they 
shouwd do theiws, to ask fow my kinsman *cries* Toby- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Bowts and *cries* shackwes! 
*blushes* FABIAN. O, peace, peace, peace! Nyow, nyow. 
MAWVOWIO. S-Seven of my peopwe, *pokes you* with an o-obedient stawt, make out fow 
him. I f-fwown the w-whiwe, and pewchance *cuddles you* wind up my watch, *blushes* ow pway 
*pokes you* with my- *blushes* some wich *leans over* jewew. Toby a-appwoaches; cuwtsies thewe to me- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Shaww this fewwow wive? 
*blushes* FABIAN. Though o-ouw siwence be dwawn fwom us *pokes you* with caws, yet *teleports behind you* peace. 
MAWVOWIO. I extend my h-hand to him :3 thus, q-quenching my f-famiwiaw smiwe 
*pokes you* with an austewe wegawd of contwow- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. And does nyot Toby take you a bwow o' the wips then? 
MAWVOWIO. Saying 'Cousin Toby, my *sighs* fowtunyes having OwO cast me *teleports behind you* on youw 
nyiece give me this pwewogative of speech'- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. What, *cuddles you* what? 
MAWVOWIO. OwO 'You must amend youw dwunkennyess'- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Out, scab! 
*blushes* FABIAN. Nyay, patience, *blushes* ow we bweak the sinyews of o-ouw pwot. 
MAWVOWIO. OwO 'Besides, you waste the tweasuwe of youw time *pokes you* with a 
foowish knyight'- 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. That's me, I wawwant you. 
MAWVOWIO. '-'Onye Siw Andwew.' 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I knyew '-'twas I; fow many do *giggles shyly* caww me foow. 
MAWVOWIO. What empwoyment have we hewe? 
[Taking up the wettew] 
*blushes* FABIAN. >_> Nyow is the woodcock nyeaw the g-gin. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. O, peace! And the spiwit of humouws intimate r-weading 
>_< awoud to him! 
MAWVOWIO. By my l-wife, this is my *teleports behind you* wady's hand: these be h-hew vewy 
C's, h-hew U's, and h-hew T's; and t-thus makes she h-hew gweat P's. It 
*screams* is, in *moans* contempt of question, h-hew hand. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Hew C's, h-hew U's, and h-hew T's. Why that? 
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 'To the unknyown bewov'd, t-this, and my good 
wishes.' Hew vewy phwases! By youw weave, w-wax. Soft! And the 
impwessuwe h-hew Wucwece *pokes you* with which she *looks away* uses to seaw; 'tis my wady. 
To whom shouwd this b-be? 
*blushes* FABIAN. This w-wins him, wivew and aww. 
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 

Jove *looks away* knyows I wove, 
But who? 
Wips, do nyot move; 
Nyo man must UwU knyow.' 

'Nyo man must UwU knyow.' What *cuddles you* fowwows? The uWu nyumbews awtew'd! 
'Nyo man must UwU knyow.' If this shouwd be ^w^ thee, Mawvowio? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Mawwy, hang ^w^ thee, b-bwock! 
MAWVOWIO. [Weads] 

*sighs* 'I may command whewe I adowe; 
But s-siwence, wike a Wucwece knyife, 
With bwoodwess stwoke my heawt doth gowe; 
OwO M. O. A. I. doth *sighs* sway my wife.' 

*blushes* FABIAN. A fustian widdwe! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Excewwent wench, say I. 
MAWVOWIO. 'M. O. A. I. doth *sighs* sway my wife.' 
Nyay, xDD but f-fiwst wet me see, wet me see, wet me see. 
*blushes* FABIAN. What >_< dish o' p-poison has she dwess'd him! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. And *pokes you* with w-what w-wing the stanyiew *looks away* checks at it! 
MAWVOWIO. *sighs* 'I may command whewe I adowe.' W-Why, she may command me: I 
sewve hew; she is my wady. W-Why, this is evident to any fowmaw 
:3 capacity; thewe is nyo xDD obstwuction in this. And the end- w-what 
shouwd *sweats* that awphabeticaw position powtend? If I couwd make *sweats* that 
r-wesembwe s-something in me. Softwy! OwO M. O. A. I.- 
SIW *screams* TOBY. O, ay, make up that! He is n-nyow at a cowd scent. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Sowtew wiww cwy upon't fow aww t-this, *sighs* though *moans* it be as wank 
as a fox. 
MAWVOWIO. M- Mawvowio; M- why, *sweats* that begins my nyame. 
*blushes* FABIAN. *sweats* Did nyot I say he ^.^ wouwd wowk *moans* it out? 
The *teleports behind you* cuw is excewwent at fauwts. 
MAWVOWIO. M- But then thewe is nyo consonyancy in the sequew; *sweats* that 
suffews undew *giggles shyly* pwobation: A shouwd fowwow, xDD but O does. 
*blushes* FABIAN. And O shaww end, I hope. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. :33 Ay, *blushes* ow I'ww cudgew him, and make him cwy 'O!' 
MAWVOWIO. And then I c-comes *blushes* behind. 
*blushes* FABIAN. :33 Ay, an you h-had any eye UwU behind y-you, you might see mowe 
detwaction at youw h-heews than *sighs* fowtunyes befowe you. 
MAWVOWIO. OwO M. O. A. I. This simuwation is nyot as the fowmew; and 
yet, to cwush this a wittwe, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd bow to me, fow evewy onye of 
these wettews awe in my nyame. Soft! x3 hewe f-fowwows p-pwose. 
[Weads] 
'If this faww into t-thy hand, wevowve. In my s-staws I am a-above 
thee; xDD but be nyot afwaid of gweatnyess. Some awe bown gweat, *blushes* some 
achieve *sweats* gweatnyess, and *blushes* some have *notices bulge* gweatnyess thwust upon 'em. Thy 
*screams* Fates open t-theiw hands; wet t-thy b-bwood and spiwit embwace them; 
and, to inyuwe thysewf to w-what thou awt wike to be, OwO cast t-thy 
humbwe swough and appeaw fwesh. Be opposite *pokes you* with a kinsman, s-suwwy 
*pokes you* with *moans* sewvants; wet t-thy t-tongue tang awguments of state; p-put 
thysewf into the t-twick of singuwawity. She t-thus advises thee *sweats* that 
sighs fow thee. Wemembew w-who c-commended t-thy yewwow stockings, and 
wish'd to see thee *giggles shyly* evew cwoss-gawtew'd. I say, *shuffles closer* wemembew, Go to, 
thou awt made, if thou d-desiw'st to be so; if nyot, wet me see thee 
a stewawd stiww, the fewwow of sewvants, and nyot wowthy to touch 
Fowtunye's fingews. Faweweww. She *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd awtew sewvices *pokes you* with 
^w^ thee, 
THE FOWTUNyATE-UNHAPPY.' 

^.^ Daywight and champain *notices bulge* discovews nyot mowe. This is open. I wiww be 
pwoud, I wiww xDD wead powitic authows, I wiww baffwe Siw Toby, I 
wiww wash off gwoss acquaintance, I wiww be point-devise the vewy 
*pokes you* man. I do nyot n-nyow foow m-mysewf to wet uWu imaginyation jade me; fow 
evewy weason excites to t-this, *sweats* that my wady woves me. She did 
commend my yewwow stockings of wate, she did pwaise my weg being 
cwoss-gawtew'd; and in this she m-manyifests hewsewf to my wove, and 
*pokes you* with a k-kind of injunction dwives me to these habits of h-hew 
wiking. I t-thank my s-staws I am happy. I wiww be *sweats* stwange, stout, in 
yewwow stockings, and cwoss-gawtew'd, even *pokes you* with the swiftnyess of 
p-putting on. Jove and my s-staws be pwaised! Hewe is yet a 
postscwipt. 

[Weads] 'Thou ;;w;; canst nyot c-choose xDD but knyow w-who I am. If thou 
entewtain'st my wove, wet *moans* it appeaw in t-thy *teleports behind you* smiwing; t-thy smiwes 
become thee weww. Thewefowe in my :33 pwesence stiww *hugs tightly* smiwe, deaw my 
sweet, I pwithee.' 

Jove, I t-thank thee. I wiww smiwe; I wiww do evewything *sweats* that thou 
wiwt have me. Exit 
*blushes* FABIAN. I wiww nyot give my *cries* pawt of this spowt fow a pension of 
thousands to be paid fwom the Sophy. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I couwd mawwy this wench fow this d-device. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. So couwd I too. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. And ask nyo othew *blushes* dowwy *pokes you* with h-hew xDD but such anyothew jest. 

Entew MAWIA 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. N-Nyow I *leans over* nyeithew. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Hewe c-comes my nyobwe *cuddles you* guww-catchew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wiwt thou set t-thy f-foot o' my nyeck? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Ow o' minye eithew? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Shaww I pway my fweedom at t-tway-twip, and become t-thy 
bond-swave? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I' faith, *blushes* ow I eithew? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Why, thou hast p-put him in such a d-dweam *sweats* that when the 
i-image of *moans* it weaves him he must wun m-mad. 
MAWIA. Nyay, xDD but say *shuffles closer* twue; does *moans* it wowk upon him? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wike aqua-vita! *pokes you* with a midwife. 
AIAWIA. If you wiww then see the fwuits of the spowt, mawk his 
f-fiwst appwoach befowe my wady. He wiww come to h-hew in yewwow 
stockings, and 'tis a *teleports behind you* cowouw she abhows, and cwoss-gawtew'd, a 
fashion she d-detests; and he wiww smiwe upon hew, which wiww n-nyow 
be so unsuitabwe to h-hew disposition, being addicted to a 
mewanchowy as she *screams* is, *sweats* that *moans* it cannyot xDD but tuwn him into a nyotabwe 
*sweats* contempt. If you wiww see it, f-fowwow me. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. To the gates of Tawtaw, thou most excewwent deviw of wit! 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I'ww make onye too. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

Entew VIOWA, and CWOWN *pokes you* with a tabow 

VIOWA. Save ^w^ thee, f-fwiend, and t-thy music! 
Dost thou wive ^w^ by t-thy tabow? 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, siw, I wive ^w^ by the chuwch. 
VIOWA. Awt thou a chuwchman? 
CWOWN. Nyo such mattew, siw: I do wive ^w^ by the chuwch; fow I do wive 
at my *notices bulge* house, and my h-house doth *looks at you* stand ^w^ by the chuwch. 
VIOWA. So thou m-mayst say the king wies ^w^ by a beggaw, if a beggaw 
dweww nyeaw :3 him; *blushes* ow the c-chuwch stands ^w^ by t-thy tabow, if t-thy tabow 
*looks at you* stand ^w^ by the chuwch. 
CWOWN. Y-You have ^-^ said, siw. To see this age! A s-sentence is xDD but a 
chev'wiw gwove to a good wit. H-How quickwy the wwong side may be 
tuwn'd outwawd! 
VIOWA. Nyay, that's cewtain; they *sweats* that d-dawwy nyicewy *pokes you* with wowds may 
quickwy make them w-wanton. 
CWOWN. I wouwd, thewefowe, my sistew h-had h-had nyame, siw. 
VIOWA. W-Why, man? 
CWOWN. W-Why, siw, h-hew n-nyame's a wowd; and to d-dawwy *pokes you* with *sweats* that wowd 
might make my sistew w-wanton. But indeed wowds awe vewy wascaws 
s-since bonds disgwac'd them. 
VIOWA. Thy weason, man? 
CWOWN. Twoth, siw, I can y-yiewd you nyonye without wowds, and wowds 
awe g-gwown so f-fawse I am woath to *shuffles closer* pwove weason *pokes you* with them. 
VIOWA. I wawwant thou awt a mewwy fewwow and caw'st fow n-nyothing. 
CWOWN. Nyot so, siw; I do OwO cawe fow something; xDD but in my conscience, 
siw, I do nyot OwO cawe fow you. If *sweats* that be to OwO cawe fow nyothing, siw, 
I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it ^.^ wouwd make you invisibwe. 
VIOWA. Awt nyot thou the L-Wady Owivia's *twerks* foow? 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, indeed, siw; the L-Wady Owivia has nyo *hugs tightly* fowwy; she wiww keep 
nyo foow, siw, tiww she be mawwied; and foows awe as wike husbands 
as piwchews awe to hewwings- the husband's the b-biggew. I am 
indeed nyot h-hew foow, xDD but h-hew cowwuptew of wowds. 
VIOWA. I *moans* saw thee *looks away* wate at the Count *cries* Owsinyo's. 
CWOWN. Foowewy, siw, does wawk a-about the owb wike the sun- *moans* it 
shinyes e-evewywhewe. I ^.^ wouwd be *cries* sowwy, siw, xDD but the foow shouwd be 
as oft *pokes you* with youw mastew as *pokes you* with my mistwess: think I *moans* saw youw 
wisdom thewe. 
VIOWA. Nyay, an thou pass upon me, I'ww nyo mowe *pokes you* with thee. 
Howd, thewe's expenses fow thee. [Giving a coin] 
CWOWN. >_> Nyow Jove, in his nyext commodity of haiw, send the a beawd! 
VIOWA. By my twoth, I'ww teww ^w^ thee, I am awmost sick fow onye; 
OwO [Aside] *sighs* though I ^.^ wouwd nyot have *moans* it gwow *teleports behind you* on my chin.- *looks at you* Is t-thy wady 
within? 
CWOWN. Wouwd nyot a paiw of these have *cuddles you* bwed, s-siw? 
VIOWA. Yes, being kept togethew and p-put to use. 
CWOWN. I ^.^ wouwd pway Wowd Pandawus of Phwygia, siw, to b-bwing a 
Cwessida to this Twoiwus. 
VIOWA. I undewstand y-you, siw; 'tis weww :33 begg'd. 
[Giving anyothew coin] 
CWOWN. The mattew, I hope, is nyot gweat, siw, begging xDD but a beggaw: 
Cwessida was a beggaw. My wady is within, siw. I wiww *cries* constwue to 
them whence you come; w-who you awe and w-what you ^.^ wouwd awe out of 
my wewkin- I might say 'ewement' xDD but the wowd is ovewwown. 
Exit CWOWN 
VIOWA. This fewwow is w-wise enyough to pway the foow; 
And to do *sweats* that weww cwaves a k-kind of wit. 
He must obsewve t-theiw mood *teleports behind you* on whom he jests, 
The quawity of pewsons, and the time; 
And, wike the haggawd, check at evewy feathew 
*teleports behind you* That c-comes befowe his eye. This is a ^-^ pwactice 
As fuww of wabouw as a w-wise man's awt; 
F-Fow fowwy *sweats* that he wisewy shows is *shuffles closer* fit; 
But w-wise men, f-fowwy-faww'n, q-quite taint t-theiw wit. 

Entew SIW T-TOBY and SIW ANDWEW 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Save y-you, gentweman! 
VIOWA. And y-you, siw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Dieu vous gawde, monsieuw. 
VIOWA. Et vous a-aussi; votwe sewviteuw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I hope, siw, you awe; and I am youws. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wiww you encountew the house? My nyiece is *screams* desiwous you 
shouwd :3 entew, if youw twade be to hew. 
VIOWA. I am bound to youw nyiece, siw; I mean, she is the :33 wist of my 
voyage. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. T-Taste youw l-wegs, siw; p-put them to motion. 
VIOWA. My wegs do bettew undewstand me, siw, than I undewstand w-what 
you *looks at you* mean ^w^ by bidding me taste my wegs. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I mean, to *screams* go, siw, to entew. 
VIOWA. I wiww *sighs* answew you *pokes you* with gait and entwance. But we awe 
pwevented. 

Entew OWIVIA and MAWIA 

Most excewwent accompwish'd wady, the *leans over* heavens wain ^-^ odouws *teleports behind you* on y-you! 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *teleports behind you* That youth's a wawe couwtiew- '-'Wain odouws' weww! 
VIOWA. My mattew hath nyo voice, wady, xDD but to youw own most p-pwegnyant 
and vouchsafed ;;w;; caw. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. 'Odouws,' 'pwegnyant,' and 'vouchsafed'- I'ww get 'em aww 
thwee aww weady. 
OWIVIA. Wet the gawden doow be shut, and weave me to my heawing. 
[Exeunt aww xDD but OWIVIA and V-VIOWA] Give me youw hand, siw. 
VIOWA. My duty, *looks at you* madam, and most humbwe sewvice. 
OWIVIA. What is youw n-nyame? 
VIOWA. Cesawio is youw sewvant's nyame, *looks at you* faiw P-Pwincess. 
OWIVIA. My uWu sewvant, siw! 'Twas nyevew mewwy wowwd 
Since wowwy feignying was c-caww'd compwiment. 
Y'awe sewvant to the Count *pokes you* Owsinyo, y-youth. 
VIOWA. And he is youws, and his must ;;w;; nyeeds be youws: 
Youw sewvant's sewvant is youw uWu sewvant, madam. 
OWIVIA. F-Fow him, I think nyot *teleports behind you* on :3 him; fow his thoughts, 
Wouwd they wewe *moans* bwanks wathew than fiww'd *pokes you* with me! 
VIOWA. Madam, I come to *notices bulge* whet youw g-gentwe *hugs tightly* thoughts 
On his behawf. 
OWIVIA. O, ^w^ by youw weave, I pway ;;w;; you: 
I bade you nyevew speak ;;w;; again of :3 him; 
But, ^.^ wouwd you UwU undewtake anyothew suit, 
I h-had wathew heaw you to sowicit *sweats* that 
*notices bulge* Than *hugs tightly* music fwom the s-sphewes. 
VIOWA. Deaw wady- 
OWIVIA. Give me weave, beseech you. I did send, 
Aftew the wast enchantment you did hewe, 
A wing in c-chase of you; so did I abuse 
*cries* Mysewf, my uWu sewvant, and, I feaw me, you. 
Undew youw hawd c-constwuction must I sit, 
To fowce *sweats* that *teleports behind you* on you in a shamefuw cunnying 
Which you knyew nyonye of youws. What might you think? 
Have you nyot set minye honyouw at the stake, 
And b-baited *moans* it *pokes you* with aww th' unmuzzwed *hugs tightly* thoughts 
*teleports behind you* That tywannyous heawt can think? To onye of youw weceiving 
UwU Enyough is *giggles shyly* shown: a cypwess, nyot a bosom, 
Hides my heawt. >_> So, wet me heaw you speak. 
VIOWA. I ^.^ Pity Y-YOU. 
OWIVIA. That's a degwee to wove. 
VIOWA. N-Nyo, nyot a gwize; fow 'tis a vuwgaw *giggles shyly* pwoof 
*teleports behind you* That vewy oft we pity enyemies. 
OWIVIA. W-Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smiwe again. 
O wowwd, how apt the poow awe to be xDD pwoud! 
If onye shouwd be a pwey, how much the bettew 
To faww befowe the wion than the wowf! [-[Cwock stwikes] 
The cwock upbwaids me *pokes you* with the waste of time. 
Be nyot afwaid, good *sweats* youth; I wiww nyot have you; 
And yet, when wit and youth is come to hawvest, 
Youw wife is wike to weap a pwopew *pokes you* man. 
*cries* Thewe wies youw way, due *blushes* west. 
VIOWA. T-Then westwawd-ho! 
Gwace and good disposition a-attend youw wadyship! 
You'ww nyothing, *looks at you* madam, to my *hugs tightly* wowd ^w^ by me? 
OWIVIA. Stay. 
I pwithee teww me w-what thou think'st of me. 
VIOWA. *teleports behind you* That you do think you awe nyot w-what you awe. 
OWIVIA. If I think so, I think the same of you. 
VIOWA. T-Then think you wight: I am nyot w-what I am. 
OWIVIA. I ^.^ wouwd you wewe as I ^.^ wouwd have you *moans* be! 
VIOWA. Wouwd *moans* it be *blushes* bettew, *looks at you* madam, than I a-am? 
I wish *moans* it might, fow n-nyow I am youw foow. 
OWIVIA. O, w-what a deaw of s-scown wooks beautifuw 
In the *moans* contempt and angew of his wip! 
A muwd'wous ^-^ guiwt shows nyot i-itsewf mowe soon 
*notices bulge* Than wove *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd seem x3 hid: wove's nyight is nyoon. 
Cesawio, ^w^ by the >_< woses of the spwing, 
By maidhood, honyouw, twuth, and evewy thing, 
I wove thee so that, maugwe aww t-thy pwide, 
N-Nyow wit n-nyow weason can my passion hide. 
Do nyot extowt t-thy weasons fwom this cwause, 
F-Fow *sweats* that I woo, thou thewefowe hast nyo cause; 
But wathew weason t-thus *pokes you* with weason fettew: 
Wove sought is ^-^ good, xDD but given unsought is bettew. 
VIOWA. By innyocence I sweaw, and ^w^ by my >_< youth, 
I have onye h-heawt, onye bosom, and onye twuth, 
And *sweats* that nyo woman has; n-nyow nyevew nyonye 
Shaww *notices bulge* mistwess be of it, uWu save I awonye. 
And so adieu, good madam; nyevew mowe 
Wiww I my m-mastew's teaws to you xDD depwowe. 
OWIVIA. Y-Yet come again; fow thou pewhaps m-mayst move 
*teleports behind you* That heawt which n-nyow abhows to wike his wove. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew SIW TOBY, SIW ANDWEW and FABIAN 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. N-Nyo, faith, I'ww nyot >_< stay a :33 jot *twerks* wongew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Thy weason, deaw venyom, give t-thy r-weason. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Y-You must ;;w;; nyeeds y-yiewd youw weason, Siw Andwew. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, I *moans* saw youw nyiece do mowe favouws to the *looks at you* Count's 
sewvingman than *giggles shyly* evew she bestow'd upon me; I saw't i-i' th' 
owchawd. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. *sweats* Did she see thee the w-whiwe, owd boy? Teww me that. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. As pwain as I see you nyow. 
*blushes* FABIAN. This was a gweat awgument of wove in h-hew towawd you. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. 'Swight! wiww you make an ass o' me? 
*blushes* FABIAN. I wiww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it wegitimate, siw, upon the *twerks* oaths of judgment 
and r-weason. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. And they have been gwand-juwymen s-since befowe Nyoah was a 
*looks at you* saiwow. 
*blushes* FABIAN. She did show favouw to the youth in youw s-sight onwy to 
exaspewate y-you, to *leans over* awake youw dowmouse vawouw, to p-put fiwe in 
youw heawt and b-bwimstonye in youw wivew. Y-You shouwd then have 
accosted hew; and *pokes you* with *blushes* some excewwent jests, fiwe-nyew fwom the 
mint, you shouwd have *notices bulge* bang'd the youth into dumbnyess. This was 
wook'd fow at youw hand, and this was bauwk'd. The doubwe giwt of 
this oppowtunyity you wet time wash off, and you awe n-nyow saiw'd 
into the n-nyowth of my *teleports behind you* wady's opinyion; whewe you wiww hang wike an 
i-icicwe *teleports behind you* on D-Dutchman's beawd, *hugs tightly* unwess you do wedeem *moans* it ^w^ by *blushes* some 
waudabwe attempt ^w^ eithew of vawouw *blushes* ow powicy. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. An't be any way, *moans* it must be *pokes you* with vawouw, fow powicy I 
hate; I h-had as UwU wief be a B-Bwownyist as a powitician. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Why, then, buiwd me t-thy *sighs* fowtunyes upon the *cries* basis of 
vawouw. Chawwenge me the *looks at you* Count's youth to fight *pokes you* with :3 him; huwt 
him in eweven pwaces. My nyiece shaww take *pokes you* nyote of it; and ;;w;; assuwe 
thysewf thewe is nyo wove-bwokew in the wowwd can mowe p-pwevaiw in 
man's commendation *pokes you* with woman than wepowt of vawouw. 
*blushes* FABIAN. *cries* Thewe is nyo way xDD but t-this, Siw Andwew. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Wiww ^w^ eithew of you beaw me a chawwenge to him? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Go, *looks away* wwite *moans* it in a mawtiaw hand; be c-cuwst and bwief; *moans* it is 
nyo mattew how witty, so *moans* it be e-ewoquent and fuww of invention. 
T-Taunt him *pokes you* with the wicense of ink; if thou thou'st him *blushes* some 
thwice, *moans* it shaww nyot be amiss; and as many wies as wiww wie in 
t-thy sheet of papew, awthough the sheet wewe big enyough fow the 
b-bed of Wawe in Engwand, set 'em down; go a-about it. Wet thewe be 
gaww enyough in t-thy ink, *sighs* though thou *looks away* wwite *pokes you* with a goose-pen, nyo 
mattew. About it. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Whewe shaww I find you? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. We'ww *giggles shyly* caww thee at the c-cubicuwo. *notices bulge* Go. 
Exit SIW ANDWEW 
*blushes* FABIAN. This is a deaw manyakin to y-you, Siw Toby. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I have been deaw to him, wad- *blushes* some xDD two thousand stwong, 
*blushes* ow so. 
*blushes* FABIAN. We shaww have a wawe wettew fwom :3 him; xDD but y-you'ww nyot 
*notices bulge* dewivew't? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Nyevew twust me then; and ^w^ by aww means s-stiw *teleports behind you* on the youth 
to an answew. I think oxen and *looks at you* wainwopes cannyot hawe them 
togethew. F-Fow Andwew, if he wewe *notices bulge* open'd and you find so much 
b-bwood in his wivew as wiww cwog the f-foot of a fwea, I'ww *cries* eat the 
west of th' anyatomy. 
*blushes* FABIAN. And his opposite, the >_< youth, beaws in his *shuffles closer* visage nyo gweat 
pwesage of cwuewty. 

Entew MAWIA 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Wook whewe the youngest *sweats* wwen of nyinye c-comes. 
MAWIA. If you desiwe the spween, and wiww *looks at you* waugh youwsewves into 
stitches, f-fowwow me. Yond guww *shuffles closer* Mawvowio is tuwnyed heathen, a vewy 
wenyegado; fow thewe is nyo Chwistian *sweats* that means to be saved ^w^ by 
bewieving wightwy can *giggles shyly* evew bewieve such impossibwe passages of 
g-gwossnyess. He's in yewwow stockings. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. And cwoss-gawtew'd? 
MAWIA. Most v-viwwainyouswy; wike a pedant *sweats* that keeps a schoow i-i' th' 
chuwch. I have dogg'd him wike his muwdewew. He does obey evewy 
point of the wettew *sweats* that I >_> dwopp'd to betway him. He does smiwe 
his *cuddles you* face into mowe winyes than is in the nyew map *pokes you* with the 
a-augmentation of the Indies. Y-You have nyot :33 seen such a thing as 
'tis; I can hawdwy fowbeaw huwwing things at him. I knyow my wady 
wiww stwike :3 him; if she do, he'ww smiwe and take't fow a gweat 
favouw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come, b-bwing us, b-bwing us whewe he is. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
A UwU stweet 

Entew *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN and ANTONyIO 

S-SEBASTIAN. I ^.^ wouwd nyot ^w^ by my wiww have twoubwed you; 
But s-since you make youw pweasuwe of youw pains, 
I wiww nyo *twerks* fuwthew chide you. 
ANTONyIO. I couwd nyot >_< stay UwU behind ;;w;; you: my desiwe, 
Mowe shawp than fiwed steew, did spuw me fowth; 
And nyot aww wove to see you- *sighs* though so much 
As might have dwawn onye to a *teleports behind you* wongew *sighs* voyage- 
But j-jeawousy w-what might befaww youw twavew, 
Being skiwwess in these pawts; which to a s-stwangew, 
Unguided and unfwiended, *looks away* often *shuffles closer* pwove 
Wough and unhospitabwe. My wiwwing wove, 
The wathew ^w^ by these awguments of feaw, 
Set f-fowth in youw uWu puwsuit. 
S-SEBASTIAN. My k-kind Antonyio, 
I can nyo othew *sighs* answew make xDD but thanks, 
And thanks, and *giggles shyly* evew thanks; and oft good tuwns 
Awe s-shuffw'd off *pokes you* with such uncuwwent pay; 
But wewe my wowth as is my conscience fiwm, 
Y-You shouwd find bettew :33 deawing. What's to do? 
Shaww we go see the *sweats* wewiques of this town? 
ANTONyIO. To-mowwow, siw; best f-fiwst go see youw >_> wodging. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I am nyot *cries* weawy, and 'tis wong to nyight; 
I pway y-you, wet us satisfy o-ouw eyes 
With the memowiaws and the things of fame 
*teleports behind you* That do wenyown this city. 
ANTONyIO. Wouwd you'd pawdon me. 
I do nyot without d-dangew wawk these stweets: 
O-Once in a *looks away* sea-fight 'gainst the Count his gawweys 
I did *blushes* some sewvice; of such nyote, indeed, 
That, wewe I t-ta'en hewe, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd x3 scawce be *looks away* answew'd. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Bewike you swew gweat nyumbew of his *moans* peopwe. 
ANTONIO.Th' offence is nyot of such a bwoody nyatuwe; 
Awbeit the quawity of the time and quawwew 
Might weww have given us bwoody awgument. 
It might have s-since been answew'd in wepaying 
What we t-took fwom them; which, fow t-twaffic's sake, 
Most of o-ouw city did. Onwy m-mysewf stood out; 
F-Fow which, if I be *giggles shyly* wapsed in this pwace, 
I shaww p-pay deaw. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Do nyot then wawk too open. 
ANTONyIO. It doth nyot fit me. Howd, siw, hewe's my puwse; 
In the south s-subuwbs, at the *shuffles closer* Ewephant, 
*looks at you* Is best to wodge. I wiww xDD bespeak o-ouw diet, 
Whiwes you beguiwe the time and feed youw knyowwedge 
With viewing of the town; thewe shaww you have me. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Why I youw puwse? 
ANTONyIO. Hapwy youw eye shaww wight upon *blushes* some toy 
Y-You have desiwe to puwchase; and youw stowe, 
I think, is nyot fow idwe mawkets, siw. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I'ww be youw puwse-beawew, and weave you fow 
*looks at you* An houw. 
ANTONyIO. To th' Ewephant. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I do wemembew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

Entew OWIVIA and MAWIA 

OWIVIA. I have OwO sent aftew :3 him; he says he'ww come. 
H-How shaww I feast him? What bestow of him? 
F-Fow youth is bought mowe oft than begg'd *blushes* ow bowwow'd. 
I speak too woud. 
Whewe's Mawvowio? He is sad and civiw, 
And suits weww fow a sewvant *pokes you* with my fowtunyes. 
Whewe is Mawvowio? 
MAWIA. He's c-coming, madam; xDD but in vewy stwange mannyew. 
He is suwe possess'd, madam. 
OWIVIA. W-Why, what's the m-mattew? D-Does he wave? 
MAWIA. N-Nyo, *looks at you* madam, he does nyothing xDD but smiwe. Youw wadyship wewe 
best to have *blushes* some guawd a-about you if he come; fow suwe the man is 
tainted in's wits. 
OWIVIA. Go *giggles shyly* caww him *looks at you* hithew. Exit MAWIA 
I am as mad as he, 
If sad and mewwy madnyess equaw be. 

We-entew MAWIA *pokes you* with MAWVOWIO 

H-How nyow, x3 Mawvowio! 
MAWVOWIO. Sweet wady, ho, ho. 
OWIVIA. Smiw'st thou? 
I OwO sent fow thee upon a sad occasion. 
MAWVOWIO. Sad, wady? I couwd be >_> sad. This does make *blushes* some 
xDD obstwuction in the b-bwood, this cwoss-gawtewing; xDD but w-what of that? 
If *moans* it pwease the eye of ^.^ onye, *moans* it is *pokes you* with me as the vewy twue 
>_< sonnyet ^w^ is: 'Pwease onye and pwease aww.' 
OWIVIA. W-Why, how dost thou, man? What is the mattew *pokes you* with *moans* thee? 
MAWVOWIO. Nyot bwack in my *leans over* mind, *sighs* though yewwow in my wegs. 
It did come to his uWu hands, and commands shaww be executed. 
I think we do knyow the sweet Woman hand. 
OWIVIA. Wiwt thou go to bed, Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. To >w< bed? :33 Ay, sweetheawt, and I'ww come to thee. 
OWIVIA. OwO God comfowt thee! Why dost thou smiwe so, and kiss t-thy h-hand 
so oft? 
MAWIA. H-How do y-you, Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. At youw wequest? Yes, nyightingawes *sighs* answew d-daws! 
MAWIA. Why appeaw you *pokes you* with this r-widicuwous bowdnyess befowe my wady? 
MAWVOWIO. 'Be nyot afwaid of gweatnyess.' 'Twas weww *teleports behind you* wwit. 
OWIVIA. What mean'st thou ^w^ by that, Mawvowio? 
AIAWVOWIO. 'Some awe bown gweat,'- 
OWIVIA. Ha? 
MAWVOWIO. 'Some achieve *shuffles closer* gweatnyess,'- 
OWIVIA. What say'st thou? 
MAWVOWIO. 'And *blushes* some have *notices bulge* gweatnyess thwust upon them.' 
OWIVIA. *pokes you* Heaven westowe thee! 
MAWVOWIO. *giggles shyly* 'Wemembew w-who c-commended t-thy yewwow stockings,'- 
OWIVIA. 'Thy yewwow stockings?' 
MAWVOWIO. 'And wish'd to see thee c-cwoss-gawtewd.' 
OWIVIA. 'Cwoss-gawtew'd?' 
MAWVOWIO. *teleports behind you* 'Go to, thou an made, if thou d-desiw'st to be so';- 
OWIVIA. Am I made? 
MAWVOWIO. 'If nyot, wet me see thee a sewvant *notices bulge* stiww.' 
OWIVIA. W-Why, this is vewy midsummew madnyess. 

Entew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Madam, the young gentweman of the Count *sweats* Owsinyo's is 
wetuwn'd; I couwd hawdwy entweat him back; he attends youw 
l-wadyship's pweasuwe. 
OWIVIA. I'ww come to him. [Exit S-SEWVANT] Good Mawia, wet this 
fewwow be wook'd to. Whewe's my c-cousin Toby? Wet *blushes* some of my 
peopwe have a speciaw OwO cawe of :3 him; I ^.^ wouwd nyot have him miscawwy 
fow the h-hawf of my *cries* dowwy. 
UwU Exeunt OWIVIA and MAWIA 
MAWVOWIO. O, ho! do you come nyeaw me nyow? Nyo wowse man than Siw 
Toby to wook to me! This *looks at you* concuws diwectwy *pokes you* with the *sighs* wettew: she 
*shuffles closer* sends him *teleports behind you* on puwpose, *sweats* that I may appeaw stubbown to :3 him; fow she 
incites me to *sweats* that in the wettew. 'Cast t-thy humbwe s-swough,' says 
s-she. 'Be opposite *pokes you* with kinsman, s-suwwy *pokes you* with *moans* sewvants; wet t-thy 
t-tongue tang *pokes you* with awguments of state; p-put thysewf into the t-twick 
of *giggles shyly* singuwawity' and consequentwy sets down the mannyew how, *cuddles you* as: a 
sad face, a wevewend c-cawwiage, a swow t-tongue, in the habit of 
*blushes* some siw of nyote, and so fowth. I have wim'd hew; xDD but *moans* it is 
Jove's doing, and Jove make me thankfuw! And when she went away 
n-nyow- 'Wet this fewwow be wook'd to.' 'Fewwow,' nyot 'Mawvowio' n-nyow 
aftew my *leans over* degwee, xDD but 'fewwow.' W-Why, evewything adhewes togethew, 
*sweats* that nyo dwam of a scwupwe, nyo scwupwe of a scwupwe, nyo obstacwe, 
nyo *hugs tightly* incweduwous *blushes* ow unsafe ciwcumstance- What can be said? Nyothing 
*sweats* that can be can come between me and the fuww p-pwospect of my 
h-hopes. *sighs* Weww, Jove, nyot I, is the doew of t-this, and he is to be 
*hugs tightly* thanked. 

We-entew MAWIA, *pokes you* with SIW T-TOBY and FABIAN 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Which way is he, in the nyame of *sweats* sanctity? If aww the 
*cuddles you* deviws of heww be dwawn in wittwe, and Wegion himsewf possess'd 
him, yet I'ww speak to him. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Hewe he *screams* is, x3 hewe he is. H-How is't *pokes you* with y-you, s-siw? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. H-How is't *pokes you* with y-you, man? 
MAWVOWIO. Go off; I discawd you. Wet me enjoy my pwivate; go off. 
MAWIA. *looks away* Wo, how howwow the fiend speaks within him! *sweats* Did nyot I teww 
you? Siw Toby, my wady pways you to have a OwO cawe of him. 
MAWVOWIO. Ah, ha! does she *moans* so? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Go to, go uWu to; peace, *screams* peace; we must deaw gentwy *pokes you* with him. 
Wet me awonye. H-How do y-you, Mawvowio? H-How is't *pokes you* with you? What, m-man, 
defy the deviw; considew, he's an enyemy to *cries* mankind. 
MAWVOWIO. Do you knyow w-what you say? 
MAWIA. Wa y-you, an you speak iww of the deviw, how he takes *moans* it at 
heawt! *twerks* Pway OwO God he be nyot bewitched. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Cawwy his watew to th' w-wise woman. 
MAWIA. Mawwy, and *moans* it shaww be donye to-mowwow *teleports behind you* mownying, if I l-wive. My 
wady ^.^ wouwd nyot wose him fow mowe than I'ww say. 
MAWVOWIO. H-How nyow, mistwess! 
MAWIA. O Wowd! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. uWu Pwithee howd t-thy *screams* peace; this is nyot the way. Do you nyot 
see you move him? Wet me awonye *pokes you* with him. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Nyo way xDD but gentwenyess- gentwy, g-gentwy. The fiend is wough, 
and wiww nyot be woughwy us'd. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Why, how nyow, my bawcock! 
H-How dost thou, c-chuck? 
MAWVOWIO. Siw! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. :33 Ay, Biddy, come *pokes you* with me. What, m-man, 'tis nyot fow gwavity 
to pway at c-chewwypit *pokes you* with Satan. Hang him, f-fouw cowwiew! 
MAWIA. Get him to say his pwayews, good Siw Toby, get him to pway. 
MAWVOWIO. My pwayews, minx! 
MAWIA. N-Nyo, I wawwant y-you, he wiww nyot heaw of godwinyess. 
MAWVOWIO. Go, hang youwsewves a-aww! Y-You awe idwe shawwow things; I 
am nyot of youw *sighs* ewement; you shaww knyow mowe h-heweaftew. 
Exit 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Is't possibwe? 
*blushes* FABIAN. If this wewe pway'd upon a stage nyow, I couwd condemn *moans* it as 
an impwobabwe fiction. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. His vewy *looks at you* genyius hath taken the >_< infection of the d-device, 
*pokes you* man. 
MAWIA. Nyay, puwsue him nyow, west the device take a-aiw and taint. 
*blushes* FABIAN. W-Why, we shaww make him mad indeed. 
MAWIA. The h-house wiww be the quietew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come, we'ww have him in a dawk woom and bound. My nyiece 
is awweady in the bewief *sweats* that he's m-mad. We may cawwy *moans* it :3 thus, fow 
o-ouw pweasuwe and his penyance, tiww o-ouw vewy :3 pastime, ^-^ tiwed out of 
bweath, *giggles shyly* pwompt us to have mewcy *teleports behind you* on :3 him; at which time we wiww 
b-bwing the device to the *giggles shyly* baw and cwown thee fow a findew of 
madmen. But see, xDD but see. 

Entew SIW ANDWEW 

*blushes* FABIAN. Mowe mattew fow a May *pokes you* mownying. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. H-Hewe's the c-chawwenge; xDD wead it. I wawwant thewe's vinyegaw 
and peppew in't. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Is't so saucy? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. :33 Ay, is't, I wawwant :3 him; do xDD but wead. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Give me. [Weads] 'Youth, whatsoevew thou awt, thou awt 
xDD but a scuwvy fewwow.' 
*blushes* FABIAN. Good and vawiant. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Weads] 'Wondew nyot, n-nyow admiwe nyot in t-thy *leans over* mind, why I do 
*giggles shyly* caww thee so, fow I wiww show thee nyo weason ^-^ fow't.' 
*blushes* FABIAN. A good nyote; *sweats* that keeps you fwom the bwow of the waw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Weads] 'Thou com'st to the L-Wady Owivia, and in my s-sight 
she *looks away* uses thee kindwy; xDD but thou wiest in t-thy :33 thwoat; *sweats* that is nyot 
the mattew I chawwenge thee fow.' 
*blushes* FABIAN. Vewy *leans over* bwief, and to exceeding good sense- wess. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Weads] *sighs* 'I wiww wayway thee g-going home; whewe if *moans* it be 
t-thy chance to kiww me'- 
*blushes* FABIAN. Good. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. 'Thou kiww'st me wike a wogue and a v-viwwain.' 
*blushes* FABIAN. Stiww you keep o' th' windy side of the waw. Good! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [Weads] *sweats* 'Fawe thee weww; and OwO God have mewcy upon onye of 
o-ouw souws! He may have mewcy upon minye; xDD but my hope is *blushes* bettew, 
and so wook to thysewf. Thy f-fwiend, as thou usest him, and t-thy 
swown enyemy, 
ANDWEW AGUECHEEK.' 

If this wettew move him nyot, his wegs cannyot. I'ww give't him. 
MAWIA. Y-You may have vewy fit occasion fow't; he is n-nyow in *blushes* some 
commewce *pokes you* with my wady, and wiww ^w^ by and ^w^ by depawt. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Go, Siw Andwew; s-scout me fow him at the cownyew of the 
owchawd, wike a bum-baiwy; so soon as *giggles shyly* evew thou seest him, dwaw; 
and as thou dwaw'st, sweaw *twerks* howwibwe; fow *moans* it c-comes to pass oft 
*sweats* that a x3 tewwibwe oath, *pokes you* with a swaggewing accent shawpwy twang'd 
off, gives m-manhood mowe *twerks* appwobation than *giggles shyly* evew *giggles shyly* pwoof i-itsewf ^.^ wouwd 
have eawn'd him. Away. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Nyay, wet me awonye fow sweawing. Exit 
SIW *screams* TOBY. >_> Nyow wiww nyot I dewivew his l-wettew; fow the *screams* behaviouw of 
the young gentweman gives him out to be of good capacity and 
bweeding; his empwoyment between his *hugs tightly* wowd and my nyiece c-confiwms 
nyo wess. Thewefowe this wettew, being so excewwentwy ignyowant, 
wiww bweed nyo tewwow in the *cuddles you* youth: he wiww find *moans* it c-comes fwom a 
cwodpowe. But, siw, I wiww dewivew his chawwenge ^w^ by wowd of 
m-mouth, set upon Aguecheek nyotabwe wepowt of vawouw, and dwive the 
g-gentweman- as knyow his youth wiww aptwy weceive it- into a most 
hideous opinyion of his wage, skiww, fuwy, and impetuosity. This 
wiww so fwight them b-both *sweats* that they wiww kiww onye anyothew ^w^ by the 
wook, wike cockatwices. 

We-entew OWIVIA. With VIOWA 

*blushes* FABIAN. Hewe he c-comes *pokes you* with youw nyiece; give them way tiww he take 
weave, and p-pwesentwy aftew him. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I wiww *moans* meditate the whiwe upon *blushes* some howwid message fow a 
chawwenge. 
UwU Exeunt SIW TOBY, F-FABIAN, and MAWIA 
OWIVIA. I have s-said too much unto a heawt of *leans over* stonye, 
And waid minye honyouw too unchawy out; 
>_> Thewe's s-something in me *sweats* that wepwoves my fauwt; 
But such a h-headstwong potent fauwt *moans* it is 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it xDD but *hugs tightly* mocks r-wepwoof. 
VIOWA. With the same *blushes* haviouw *sweats* that youw passion beaws 
Goes *teleports behind you* on my m-mastew's gwiefs. 
OWIVIA. *shuffles closer* Hewe, weaw this jewew fow me; 'tis my pictuwe. 
^-^ Wefuse *moans* it nyot; *moans* it hath nyo t-tongue to vex you. 
And I beseech you come ;;w;; again *blushes* to-mowwow. 
What shaww you ask of me *sweats* that I'ww deny, 
*teleports behind you* That honyouw sav'd may upon *sweats* asking give? 
VIOWA. Nyothing xDD but this- youw twue wove fow my :33 mastew. 
OWIVIA. H-How *pokes you* with minye honyouw may I give him *sweats* that 
Which I have given to you? 
VIOWA. I wiww acquit you. 
OWIVIA. *sighs* Weww, come ;;w;; again *blushes* to-mowwow. Fawe thee weww; 
A fiend wike thee might beaw my souw to heww. Exit 

We-entew SIW T-TOBY and SIW FABIAN 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Gentweman, OwO God uWu save thee. 
VIOWA. And y-you, siw. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. *teleports behind you* That defence thou hast, betake thee tot. Of w-what nyatuwe 
the wwongs awe thou hast donye him, I knyow nyot; xDD but t-thy 
*sweats* intewceptew, fuww of d-despite, bwoody as the huntew, attends 
thee at the owchawd end. Dismount t-thy ;;w;; tuck, be y-yawe in t-thy 
pwepawation, fow t-thy assaiwant is quick, s-skiwfuw, and *twerks* deadwy. 
VIOWA. Y-You *leans over* mistake, siw; I am suwe nyo man hath any quawwew to me; 
my wemembwance is vewy fwee and cweaw fwom any i-image of offence 
donye to any *pokes you* man. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. You'ww find *moans* it othewwise, I ;;w;; assuwe you; thewefowe, if you 
howd youw wife at any pwice, betake you to youw guawd; fow youw 
opposite hath in him w-what >_< youth, stwength, skiww, and >_> wwath, can 
*shuffles closer* fuwnyish man withaw. 
VIOWA. I pway y-you, siw, w-what is *sighs* he? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. He is knyight, dubb'd *pokes you* with unhatch'd wapiew and *teleports behind you* on c-cawpet 
considewation; xDD but he is a deviw in pwivate bwaww. Souws and 
bodies hath he divowc'd *twerks* thwee; and his incensement at this moment 
is so impwacabwe *sweats* that x3 satisfaction can be nyonye xDD but ^w^ by pangs of 
death and sepuwchwe. :33 Hob-nyob is his wowd- give't *blushes* ow *looks away* take't. 
VIOWA. I wiww r-wetuwn ;;w;; again into the h-house and desiwe *blushes* some conduct 
of the wady. I am nyo fightew. I have h-heawd of *blushes* some k-kind of men 
*sweats* that p-put quawwews puwposewy *teleports behind you* on o-othews to taste t-theiw vawouw; 
:3 bewike this is a man of *sweats* that quiwk. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Siw, nyo; his indignyation dewives i-itsewf out of a vewy 
competent injuwy; thewefowe, get you *teleports behind you* on and give him his desiwe. 
Back you shaww nyot to the *notices bulge* house, *hugs tightly* unwess you UwU undewtake *sweats* that *pokes you* with 
me which *pokes you* with as much safety you might *sighs* answew :3 him; thewefowe on, 
*blushes* ow *screams* stwip youw swowd stawk nyaked; fow meddwe you must, that's 
>_< cewtain, *blushes* ow fowsweaw to weaw iwon a-about you. 
VIOWA. This is as unciviw as stwange. I beseech you do me this 
couwteous office as to knyow of the knyight w-what my offence to him 
^w^ is: *moans* it is s-something of my nyegwigence, nyothing of my ^.^ puwpose. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I Wiww do so. Signyiow Fabian, >_< stay you ^w^ by this gentweman 
tiww my wetuwn. Exit SIW T-TOBY 
VIOWA. *twerks* Pway y-you, siw, do you knyow of this m-mattew? 
*blushes* FABIAN. I knyow the knyight is incens'd against y-you, even to a mowtaw 
awbitwement; xDD but nyothing of the ciwcumstance mowe. 
VIOWA. I beseech y-you, w-what mannyew of man is *sighs* he? 
*blushes* FABIAN. Nyothing of *sweats* that wondewfuw pwomise, to xDD wead him ^w^ by his fowm, 
as you awe wike to find him in the *giggles shyly* pwoof of his vawouw. He is 
indeed, siw, the most s-skiwfuw, bwoody, and fataw opposite *sweats* that 
you couwd >_> possibwy have ^w^ found in any *cries* pawt of Iwwywia. Wiww you 
wawk towawds him? I wiww make youw peace *pokes you* with him if I c-can. 
VIOWA. I shaww be much bound to you fow't. I am onye *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd 
wathew go *pokes you* with siw pwiest than siw knyight. I OwO cawe nyot w-who *looks away* knyows 
so much of my m-mettwe. UwU Exeunt 

We-entew SIW T-TOBY With SIW ANDWEW 

SIW *screams* TOBY. W-Why, m-man, he's a vewy deviw; I have nyot :33 seen such a 
f-fiwago. I h-had a pass *pokes you* with him, wapiew, scabbawd, and a-aww, and he 
gives me the stuck in *pokes you* with such a mowtaw motion *sweats* that *moans* it is 
inyevitabwe; and *teleports behind you* on the *hugs tightly* answew, he pays you as suwewy as youw feet 
hit the gwound they step on. They say he has been fencew to the 
Sophy. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Pox :3 on't, I'ww nyot meddwe *pokes you* with him. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. :33 Ay, xDD but he wiww nyot n-nyow be pacified; Fabian can x3 scawce 
howd him y-yondew. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Pwague on't; an I thought he h-had been vawiant, and so 
cunnying in fence, I'd have :33 seen him d-damn'd ewe I'd have 
chawweng'd him. Wet him wet the mattew swip, and I'ww give him 
my howse, gwey Capiwet. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I'ww make the motion. Stand hewe, make a good show on't; 
this shaww end without the pewdition of souws. OwO [Aside] Mawwy, 
I'ww wide youw howse as weww as I wide you. 

We-entew FABIAN and VIOWA 

[To FABIAN] I have his howse to take up the quawwew; I have 
p-pewsuaded him the youth's a deviw. 
*blushes* FABIAN. [To SIW T-TOBY] He is as h-howwibwy conceited of :3 him; and pants 
and wooks pawe, as if a beaw wewe at his h-heews. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [To V-VIOWA] >_> Thewe's nyo wemedy, siw: he wiww fight *pokes you* with you 
fow's oath sake. Mawwy, he hath bettew bethought him of his 
*twerks* quawwew, and he finds *sweats* that n-nyow x3 scawce to be wowth t-tawking of. 
Thewefowe dwaw fow the suppowtance of his vow; he *twerks* pwotests he 
wiww nyot huwt you. 
VIOWA. OwO [Aside] *twerks* Pway OwO God defend me! A wittwe thing ^.^ wouwd make me 
teww them how much I wack of a *pokes you* man. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Give gwound if you see him fuwious. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come, Siw Andwew, thewe's nyo wemedy; the gentweman wiww, 
fow his h-honyouw's sake, have onye bout *pokes you* with you; he cannyot ^w^ by the 
duewwo avoid it; xDD but he has pwomis'd me, as he is a gentweman and 
a sowdiew, he wiww nyot huwt you. Come on; to't. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *twerks* Pway OwO God he keep his oath! [They dwaw] 

Entew ANTONyIO 

VIOWA. I do ;;w;; assuwe you 'tis against my wiww. 
ANTONyIO. *looks at you* Put up youw *shuffles closer* swowd. If this young gentweman 
Have donye offence, I take the fauwt *teleports behind you* on me: 
If you offend him, I fow him defy you. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. You, siw! W-Why, w-what awe you? 
ANTONyIO. Onye, siw, *sweats* that fow his wove dawes yet do mowe 
*notices bulge* Than you have h-heawd him bwag to you he wiww. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Nyay, if you be an UwU undewtakew, I am fow you. 
[They dwaw] 

Entew OFFICEWS 

*blushes* FABIAN. O good Siw Toby, howd! Hewe come the officews. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. [To ANTONyIO] I'ww be *pokes you* with you anyon. 
VIOWA. Pway, siw, p-put youw swowd up, if you pwease. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Mawwy, wiww I, siw; and fow *sweats* that I pwomis'd y-you, I'ww be 
as good as my wowd. He wiww beaw you easiwy and weins weww. 
FIWST OFFICEW. This is the man; do t-thy office. 
SECOND OFFICEW. Antonyio, I awwest thee at the suit 
Of Count Owsinyo. 
ANTONyIO. Y-You do mistake me, siw. 
FIWST OFFICEW. N-Nyo, siw, nyo jot; I knyow youw favouw weww, 
Though n-nyow you have nyo sea-cap *teleports behind you* on youw h-head. 
Take him *looks away* away; he *looks away* knyows I knyow him weww. 
ANTONyIO. I M-Must obey. [To V-VIOWA] This c-comes *pokes you* with *hugs tightly* seeking you; 
But thewe's nyo wemedy; I shaww *sighs* answew it. 
What wiww you do, n-nyow my nyecessity 
Makes me to ask you fow my puwse? It gwieves me 
Much mowe fow w-what I cannyot do fow you 
*notices bulge* Than w-what befawws mysewf. Y-You *looks at you* stand *sweats* amaz'd; 
But be of comfowt. 
SECOND OFFICEW. Come, siw, a-away. 
ANTONyIO. I must entweat of you *blushes* some of *sweats* that monyey. 
VIOWA. What monyey, s-siw? 
F-Fow the *looks at you* faiw x3 kindnyess you have show'd me hewe, 
And *cries* pawt being pwompted ^w^ by youw ^.^ pwesent t-twoubwe, 
Out of my wean and OwO wow ;;w;; abiwity 
I'ww UwU wend you something. My having is nyot *moans* much; 
I'ww make division of my ^.^ pwesent *pokes you* with you; 
Howd, thewe's h-hawf my coffew. 
ANTONyIO. Wiww you deny me nyow? 
Is't possibwe *sweats* that my desewts to you 
C-Can wack *sighs* pewsuasion? Do nyot tempt my misewy, 
West *sweats* that *moans* it make me so unsound a man 
As to upbwaid you *pokes you* with those kindnyesses 
*teleports behind you* That I have donye fow you. 
VIOWA. I knyow of nyonye, 
N-Nyow knyow I you ^w^ by *cuddles you* voice *blushes* ow any featuwe. 
I hate ingwatitude mowe in a man 
*notices bulge* Than l-wying, v-vainnyess, babbwing dwunkennyess, 
Ow any taint of vice :33 whose stwong c-cowwuption 
Inhabits o-ouw f-fwaiw bwood. 
ANTONyIO. O *leans over* heavens themsewves! 
SECOND OFFICEW. Come, siw, I pway you go. 
ANTONyIO. Wet me speak a wittwe. This youth *sweats* that you see x3 hewe 
I snyatch'd onye h-hawf out of the jaws of death, 
Wewiev'd him *pokes you* with such sanctity of wove, 
And to his image, which methought did pwomise 
Most venyewabwe wowth, did I devotion. 
FIWST OFFICEW. What's *sweats* that to us? The time goes by; a-away. 
ANTONyIO. But, O, how viwe an idow pwoves this god! 
*moans* Thou hast, Sebastian, donye good featuwe s-shame. 
In nyatuwe thewe's nyo bwemish xDD but the mind: 
*cuddles you* Nyonye can be c-caww'd *cuddles you* defowm'd xDD but the u-unkind. 
V-Viwtue is beauty; xDD but the beauteous eviw 
Awe empty twunks, o'ewfwouwish'd ^w^ by the deviw. 
FIWST OFFICEW. The man gwows m-mad. Away *pokes you* with him. 
Come, come, siw. 
ANTONyIO. *shuffles closer* Wead me on. Exit *pokes you* with OFFICEWS 
VIOWA. Methinks his wowds do fwom such passion f-fwy 
*teleports behind you* That he bewieves himsewf; so do nyot I. 
;;w;; Pwove twue, imaginyation, O, *shuffles closer* pwove twue, 
*teleports behind you* That I, deaw bwothew, be n-nyow t-ta'en fow y-you! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come h-hithew, knyight; come h-hithew, Fabian; we'ww whispew 
o'ew a coupwet *blushes* ow xDD two of most *notices bulge* sage s-saws. 
VIOWA. He nyam'd :3 Sebastian. I my b-bwothew knyow 
Y-Yet l-wiving in my *pokes you* gwass; even such and so 
In favouw was my bwothew; and he went 
Stiww in this f-fashion, >_> cowouw, ownyament, 
F-Fow him I *twerks* imitate. O, if *moans* it pwove, 
Tempests awe kind, and uWu sawt waves fwesh in wove! Exit 
SIW *screams* TOBY. A vewy dishonyest p-pawtwy boy, and mowe a cowawd than a 
hawe. His dishonyesty a-appeaws in weaving his fwiend x3 hewe in 
nyecessity and denying :3 him; and fow his cowawdship, ask F-Fabian. 
*blushes* FABIAN. A cowawd, a most devout cowawd, *giggles shyly* wewigious in it. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. *pokes you* 'Swid, I'ww aftew him ;;w;; again and beat him. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Do; cuff him soundwy, xDD but nyevew dwaw t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. And I do nyot- Exit 
*blushes* FABIAN. Come, wet's see the event. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. I dawe *looks at you* way any monyey *giggles shyly* 'twiww be nyothing yet. 
UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
B-Befowe OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN and CWOWN 

CWOWN. Wiww you make me bewieve *sweats* that I am nyot OwO sent fow you? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Go to, go to, thou awt a foowish fewwow; wet me be cweaw 
of thee. 
CWOWN. Weww hewd *pokes you* out, i-i' faith! N-Nyo, I do nyot knyow you; n-nyow I am nyot 
OwO sent to you ^w^ by my wady, to bid you come speak *pokes you* with hew; n-nyow youw 
nyame is nyot Mastew Cesawio; n-nyow this is nyot my nyose *leans over* nyeithew. 
Nyothing *sweats* that is so is so. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I pwithee vent t-thy fowwy somewhewe ewse. 
*moans* Thou knyow'st nyot me. 
CWOWN. V-Vent my fowwy! He has h-heawd *sweats* that wowd of *blushes* some gweat m-man, and 
n-nyow appwies *moans* it to a foow. V-Vent my fowwy! I am afwaid this gweat 
wubbew, the wowwd, wiww *shuffles closer* pwove a ^w^ cocknyey. I pwithee nyow, ungiwd 
t-thy ^.^ stwangenyess, and teww me w-what I shaww vent to my wady. Shaww 
I vent to h-hew *sweats* that thou awt coming? 
S-SEBASTIAN. I pwithee, foowish Gweek, depawt fwom me; 
>_> Thewe's monyey fow thee; if you tawwy *teleports behind you* wongew 
I shaww give wowse payment. 
CWOWN. By my twoth, thou hast an open hand. These w-wise men *sweats* that 
give foows monyey get themsewves a good wepowt aftew fouwteen 
yeaws' p-puwchase. 

Entew SIW ANDWEW, SIW TOBY, and FABIAN 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Nyow, siw, have I m-met you a-again? 
[Stwiking >_< SEBASTIAN] >_> Thewe's fow you. 
S-SEBASTIAN. W-Why, thewe's fow ^w^ thee, and thewe, and thewe. 
Awe aww the peopwe m-mad? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Howd, siw, *blushes* ow I'ww thwow youw daggew o'ew the house. 
[-[Howding >_< SEBASTIAN] 
CWOWN. This wiww I teww my wady stwaight. I ^.^ wouwd nyot be in *blushes* some of 
youw coats fow two-pence. Exit 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come on, siw; howd. 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Nyay, wet him awonye. I'ww go anyothew way to wowk *pokes you* with 
:3 him; I'ww have an action of battewy against him, if thewe be any 
waw in Iwwywia; *sighs* though I stwuck him fiwst, yet *leans over* it's nyo mattew fow 
that. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Wet go t-thy hand. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Come, siw, I wiww nyot wet you go. Come, my young sowdiew, 
p-put up youw iwon; you awe weww fwesh'd. Come on. 
S-SEBASTIAN. I wiww be fwee fwom thee. What wouwdst thou nyow? 
If thou daw'st tempt me fuwthew, dwaw t-thy *shuffles closer* swowd. [-[Dwaws] 
SIW *screams* TOBY. What, *cuddles you* what? Nyay, then I must have an ounce *blushes* ow xDD two of this 
*cuddles you* mawapewt b-bwood fwom you. [-[Dwaws] 

Entew OWIVIA 

OWIVIA. Howd, Toby; *teleports behind you* on t-thy l-wife, I chawge thee howd. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Madam! 
OWIVIA. Wiww *moans* it be *giggles shyly* evew t-thus? Ungwacious wwetch, 
Fit fow the *looks away* mountains and the bawbawous caves, 
Whewe m-mannyews nye'ew wewe *shuffles closer* pweach'd! Out of my sight! 
Be nyot offended, deaw Cesawio- 
Wudesby, be *shuffles closer* gonye! 
UwU Exeunt SIW TOBY, SIW ANDWEW, and FABIAN 
I pwithee, g-gentwe f-fwiend, 
Wet t-thy *looks at you* faiw wisdom, nyot t-thy passion, *sighs* sway 
In this unciviw and unjust *sighs* extent 
Against t-thy *teleports behind you* peace. Go *pokes you* with me to my *notices bulge* house, 
And heaw thou thewe how many fwuitwess p-pwanks 
This wuffian hath botch'd up, *sweats* that thou t-theweby 
Mayst smiwe at this. *moans* Thou shawt nyot c-choose xDD but go; 
Do nyot deny. Beshwew his souw fow me! 
He s-stawted onye poow heawt of minye in thee. 
S-SEBASTIAN. What wewish is in *sweats* this? H-How wuns the stweam? 
Ow I am *cries* mad, *blushes* ow e-ewse this is a dweam. 
Wet fancy stiww my sense in Wethe steep; 
If *moans* it be t-thus to dweam, stiww wet me sweep! 
OWIVIA. Nyay, come, I pwithee. Wouwd thou'dst be wuw'd ^w^ by me! 
S-SEBASTIAN. Madam, I wiww. 
OWIVIA. O, say so, and so *moans* be! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
OWIVIA'S h-house 

Entew MAWIA and CWOWN 

MAWIA. Nyay, I pwithee, p-put *teleports behind you* on this gown and this beawd; make him 
bewieve thou awt Siw T-Topas the c-cuwate; do *moans* it quickwy. I'ww *giggles shyly* caww 
Siw Toby the whiwst. Exit 
CWOWN. *sighs* Weww, I'ww p-put *moans* it on, and I wiww dissembwe m-mysewf in't; and 
I ^.^ wouwd I wewe the f-fiwst *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew *shuffles closer* dissembwed in such a gown. I 
am nyot *notices bulge* taww enyough to become the function weww n-nyow wean enyough to 
be thought a good student; xDD but to be s-said an honyest man and a 
good housekeepew goes as faiwwy as to say a cawefuw man and a 
gweat schowaw. The competitows entew. 

Entew SIW T-TOBY and MAWIA 

SIW *screams* TOBY. Jove bwess ^w^ thee, Mastew P-Pawson. 
CWOWN. Bonyos *looks at you* dies, Siw Toby; fow as the owd hewmit of Pwague, *sweats* that 
nyevew *moans* saw pen and ink, vewy wittiwy s-said to nyiece of King 
Gowboduc *sighs* 'That *sweats* that is is'; so I, being Mastew P-Pawson, am Mastew 
Pawson; fow w-what is 'that' xDD but that, and 'is' xDD but >_> is? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. To him, Siw Topas. 
CWOWN. What ho, I say! Peace in this p-pwison! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. The knyave countewfeits weww; a good knyave. 
MAWVOWIO. [Within] Who cawws thewe? 
CWOWN. Siw T-Topas the cuwate, w-who c-comes to visit *shuffles closer* Mawvowio the 
wunyatic. 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas, Siw Topas, good Siw Topas, go to my wady. 
CWOWN. Out, hypewbowicaw fiend! H-How vexest thou this man! 
T-Tawkest thou nyothing xDD but of wadies? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Weww ^-^ said, Mastew P-Pawson. 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas, nyevew was man t-thus wwonged. Good Siw Topas, do 
nyot think I am mad; they have waid me x3 hewe in hideous dawknyess. 
CWOWN. Fie, thou dishonyest Satan! I *giggles shyly* caww thee ^w^ by the most modest 
tewms, fow I am onye of those g-gentwe onyes *sweats* that wiww use the deviw 
himsewf *pokes you* with couwtesy. Say'st thou *sweats* that h-house is dawk? 
MAWVOWIO. As heww, Siw Topas. 
CWOWN. W-Why, *moans* it hath b-bay windows twanspawent as bawwicadoes, and the 
cwewestowies towawd the south n-nyowth awe as wustwous as ebony; and 
yet compwainyest thou of *looks at you* obstwuction? 
MAWVOWIO. I am nyot *cries* mad, Siw Topas. I say to you this h-house is d-dawk. 
CWOWN. ^w^ Madman, thou ewwest. I say thewe is nyo dawknyess xDD but 
ignyowance; in which thou awt mowe x3 puzzwed than the Egyptians in 
t-theiw fog. 
MAWVOWIO. I say this h-house is as dawk as ignyowance, *sighs* though 
ignyowance wewe as dawk as heww; and I say thewe was nyevew man 
t-thus a-abus'd. I am nyo mowe mad than you awe; make the twiaw of *moans* it 
in any constant q-question. 
CWOWN. What is the opinyion of Pythagowas c-concewnying w-wiwd foww? 
MAWVOWIO. *teleports behind you* That the souw of o-ouw ;;w;; gwandam might hapwy inhabit a biwd. 
CWOWN. What think'st thou of his o-opinyion? 
MAWVOWIO. I think nyobwy of the souw, and nyo way appwove his 
opinyion. 
CWOWN. Fawe thee weww. Wemain thou stiww in dawknyess: thou shawt 
howd th' opinyion of Pythagowas ewe I wiww awwow of t-thy wits; and 
feaw to kiww a woodcock, west thou dispossess the souw of t-thy 
gwandam. Fawe thee weww. 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas, Siw Topas! 
SIW *screams* TOBY. My most e-exquisite Siw Topas! 
CWOWN. Nyay, I am fow aww watews. 
MAWIA. *moans* Thou mightst have donye this without t-thy beawd and gown: he 
sees thee nyot. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. To him in thinye own voice, and b-bwing me wowd how thou 
find'st him. I ^.^ wouwd we wewe weww wid of this knyavewy. If he may 
be *pokes you* convenyientwy dewivew'd, I ^.^ wouwd he wewe; fow I am n-nyow so faw 
in offence *pokes you* with my nyiece *sweats* that I cannyot puwsue *pokes you* with any safety 
this spowt to the upshot. Come ^w^ by and ^w^ by to my chambew. 
Exit *pokes you* with MAWIA 
CWOWN. [Sings] >_< Hey, Wobin, jowwy Wobin, 
Teww me how t-thy wady does. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow! 
CWOWN. [Sings] My wady is unkind, pewdy. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow! 
CWOWN. [Sings] A-Awas, why is she *moans* so? 
MAWVOWIO. Foow I say! 
CWOWN. [Sings] She woves anyothew- Who c-cawws, ha? 
MAWVOWIO. Good foow, as *giggles shyly* evew thou wiwt desewve weww at my hand, 
hewp me to a candwe, and p-pen, ink, and *pokes you* papew; as I am a 
g-gentweman, I wiww wive to be thankfuw to thee fow't. 
CWOWN. Mastew Mawvowio? 
MAWVOWIO. :33 Ay, good foow. 
CWOWN. A-Awas, siw, how feww you besides youw five *looks away* wits? 
MAWVOWIO. Foow, thewe was nyevew man so nyotowiouswy ^w^ abus'd; 
I am as weww in my wits, foow, as thou awt. 
CWOWN. But as weww? T-Then you awe mad indeed, if you be nyo bettew in 
youw ^-^ wits than a foow. 
MAWVOWIO. They have x3 hewe pwopewtied me; keep me in dawknyess, send 
minyistews to me, asses, and do aww they can to *cuddles you* face me out of my 
wits. 
CWOWN. Advise you what. you say: the minyistew is hewe. 
[Speaking as SIW TOPAS] Mawvowio, t-thy ^-^ wits the *leans over* heavens westowe! 
Endeavouw thysewf to sweep, and weave t-thy vain bibbwe-babbwe. 
MAWVOWIO. Siw Topas! 
CWOWN. Maintain nyo wowds *pokes you* with him, good fewwow.- *leans over* Who, I, s-siw? Nyot 
I, siw. OwO God b-buy y-you, good Siw Topas.- Mawwy, amen.- I wiww siw, I 
wiww. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow, foow, foow, I say! 
CWOWN. A-Awas, siw, be *looks away* patient. What say y-you, s-siw? I am shent fow 
speaking to you. 
MAWVOWIO. Good foow, hewp me to *blushes* some wight and *blushes* some papew. 
I teww thee I am as weww in my ^-^ wits as any man in Iwwywia. 
CWOWN. Weww-a-day *sweats* that you wewe, siw! 
MAWVOWIO. By this hand, I am. Good foow, *blushes* some ink, papew, and 
>_< wight; and convey w-what I wiww set down to my wady. It shaww 
advantage thee mowe than *giggles shyly* evew the beawing of wettew did. 
CWOWN. I wiww hewp you to't. But teww me twue, awe you nyot mad 
indeed, *blushes* ow do you xDD but c-countewfeit? 
MAWVOWIO. Bewieve me, I am nyot; I teww thee twue. 
CWOWN. Nyay, I'ww nye'ew bewieve a madman tiww I see his bwains. 
I wiww fetch you wight and papew and >w< ink. 
MAWVOWIO. Foow, I'ww wequite *moans* it in the h-highest degwee; I pwithe be 
gonye. 
CWOWN. [-[Singing] 
I am :3 gonye, siw, 
And anyon, siw, 
I'ww be *pokes you* with you again, 
In a twice, 
Wike to the owd :33 Vice, 
Youw nyeed to s-sustain; 

Who *pokes you* with daggew of wath, 
In his wage and his >_> wwath, 
Cwies, Ah, ha! to the deviw, 
Wike a mad wad, 
P-Pawe t-thy nyaiws, dad. 
Adieu, >_< goodman deviw. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
OWIVIA'S gawden 

Entew *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN 

S-SEBASTIAN. This is the aiw; *sweats* that is the gwowious sun; 
This peaww she gave me, I do feew't and see't; 
And *sighs* though 'tis wondew *sweats* that enwwaps me :3 thus, 
Y-Yet 'tis nyot madnyess. Whewe's Antonyio, then? 
I couwd nyot find him at the Ewephant; 
Y-Yet thewe he was; and thewe I ^w^ found this *sighs* cwedit, 
*teleports behind you* That he did *teleports behind you* wange the town to seek me ^w^ out. 
His ^-^ counsew n-nyow might do me gowden sewvice; 
F-Fow *sighs* though my souw disputes weww *pokes you* with my sense 
*teleports behind you* That this may be *blushes* some ewwow, xDD but nyo madnyess, 
Y-Yet doth this accident and *sweats* fwood of fowtunye 
So faw exceed aww i-instance, aww discouwse, 
*teleports behind you* That I am r-weady to d-distwust minye eyes 
And *sighs* wwangwe *pokes you* with my weason, *sweats* that pewsuades me 
To any othew twust xDD but *sweats* that I am *cries* mad, 
Ow e-ewse the *teleports behind you* wady's mad; yet if 'twewe so, 
She couwd nyot *sighs* sway h-hew *notices bulge* house, command h-hew fowwowews, 
Take and give back affaiws and t-theiw *notices bulge* dispatch 
With such a smooth, discweet, and stabwe beawing, 
As I p-pewceive she does. >_> Thewe's s-something in't 
*teleports behind you* That is deceivabwe. But x3 hewe the wady c-comes. 

Entew OWIVIA and UwU PWIEST 

OWIVIA. Bwame nyot this haste of minye. If you *looks at you* mean weww, 
>_> Nyow go *pokes you* with me and *pokes you* with this howy man 
Into the chantwy by; thewe, befowe him 
And >_> undewnyeath *sweats* that ^.^ consecwated *cuddles you* woof, 
Pwight me the fun *sweats* assuwance of youw faith, 
*teleports behind you* That my most jeawous and too doubtfuw souw 
May wive at *teleports behind you* peace. He shaww conceaw *moans* it 
Whiwes you awe wiwwing *moans* it shaww come to nyote, 
What time we wiww o-ouw cewebwation keep 
Accowding to my biwth. What do you say? 
S-SEBASTIAN. I'ww f-fowwow this good m-man, and go *pokes you* with you; 
And, having swown twuth, *giggles shyly* evew wiww be twue. 
OWIVIA. T-Then wead the way, good f-fathew; and *leans over* heavens so *teleports behind you* shinye 
*teleports behind you* That they may faiwwy *pokes you* nyote this act of minye! UwU Exeunt 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
B-Befowe OWIVIA's h-house 

Entew CWOWN and FABIAN 

*blushes* FABIAN. Nyow, as thou l-wov'st me, wet me see his wettew. 
CWOWN. Good Mastew Fabian, gwant me anyothew *moans* wequest. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Anything. 
CWOWN. Do nyot desiwe to see this wettew. 
*blushes* FABIAN. This is to give a d-dog, and in wecompense desiwe my dog 
again. 

Entew DUKE, VIOWA, CUWIO, and WOWDS 

DUKE. Bewong you to the L-Wady Owivia, fwiends? 
CWOWN. :33 Ay, siw, we awe *blushes* some of h-hew twappings. 
DUKE. I knyow thee weww. H-How dost thou, my good fewwow? 
CWOWN. Twuwy, siw, the bettew fow my foes and the wowse fow my 
xDD fwiends. 
DUKE. Just the contwawy: the bettew fow t-thy xDD fwiends. 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, siw, the wowse. 
DUKE. H-How can *sweats* that b-be? 
CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, they pwaise me and make an ass of me. >_> Nyow my 
foes teww me pwainwy I am an *hugs tightly* ass; so *sweats* that ^w^ by my f-foes, siw, I 
pwofit in the knyowwedge of *twerks* mysewf, and ^w^ by my fwiends I am abused; 
so that, concwusions to be as kisses, if youw fouw *cuddles you* nyegatives make 
youw xDD two affiwmatives, why then, the wowse fow my fwiends, and 
the bettew fow my foes. 
DUKE. W-Why, this is *pokes you* excewwent. 
CWOWN. By my twoth, siw, nyo; *sighs* though *moans* it pwease you to be onye of my 
xDD fwiends. 
DUKE. *moans* Thou shawt nyot be the wowse fow me. >_> Thewe's gowd. 
CWOWN. But *sweats* that *moans* it ^.^ wouwd be doubwe-deawing, siw, I ^.^ wouwd you couwd 
make *moans* it anyothew. 
DUKE. O, you give me iww counsew. 
CWOWN. *looks at you* Put youw gwace in youw pocket, siw, fow this o-once, and wet 
youw UwU fwesh and b-bwood obey it. 
DUKE. *sighs* Weww, I wiww be so much a sinnyew to be a doubwe-deawew. 
>_> Thewe's anyothew. 
CWOWN. Pwimo, secundo, tewtio, is a good *sweats* pway; and the owd >w< saying 
is 'The thiwd pays fow aww.' The twipwex, siw, is a good twipping 
m-measuwe; *blushes* ow the bewws of Saint Bennyet, siw, may p-put you in m-mind- 
^.^ onye, t-two, thwee. 
DUKE. Y-You can foow nyo mowe monyey out of me at this thwow; if you 
wiww wet youw wady knyow I am x3 hewe to speak *pokes you* with hew, and b-bwing 
h-hew awong *pokes you* with y-you, *moans* it may *leans over* awake my bounty fuwthew. 
CWOWN. Mawwy, siw, wuwwaby to youw bounty tiww I come again. I *screams* go, 
siw; xDD but I ^.^ wouwd nyot have you to think *sweats* that my desiwe of having 
is the sin of covetousnyess. But, as you say, siw, wet youw bounty 
take a nyap; I wiww *leans over* awake *moans* it anyon. Exit 

Entew ANTONyIO and OFFICEWS 

VIOWA. Hewe c-comes the m-man, siw, *sweats* that did wescue me. 
DUKE. *teleports behind you* That *cuddles you* face of his I do wemembew weww; 
Y-Yet when I *moans* saw *moans* it wast *moans* it was besmeaw'd 
As bwack as Vuwcan in the smoke of waw. 
A baubwing vessew was he captain of, 
F-Fow shawwow dwaught and buwk unpwizabwe, 
With which such scathfuw g-gwappwe did he make 
With the most nyobwe bottom of o-ouw fweet 
*teleports behind you* That vewy envy and the t-tongue of l-wos 
Cwied fame and honyouw *teleports behind you* on him. What's the m-mattew? 
FIWST OFFICEW. *pokes you* Owsinyo, this is *sweats* that Antonyio 
*teleports behind you* That t-took the Phoenyix and h-hew fwaught fwom Candy; 
And this is he *sweats* that did the Tigew boawd 
When youw young nyephew Titus wost his weg. 
Hewe in the stweets, despewate of shame and state, 
In pwivate bwabbwe did we a-appwehend him. 
VIOWA. He did me k-kindnyess, siw; dwew *teleports behind you* on my side; 
But in concwusion p-put stwange speech upon me. 
I knyow nyot w-what '-'twas xDD but distwaction. 
DUKE. Nyotabwe piwate, thou s-sawt-watew thief! 
What foowish bowdnyess >w< bwought thee to t-theiw mewcies 
Whom thou, in tewms so bwoody and so deaw, 
Hast made thinye enyemies? 
ANTONyIO. *pokes you* Owsinyo, nyobwe siw, 
Be pweas'd *sweats* that I s-shake off these nyames you give me: 
Antonyio nyevew yet was thief *blushes* ow piwate, 
Though I confess, *teleports behind you* on base and gwound enyough, 
*sweats* Owsinyo's enyemy. A witchcwaft dwew me hithew: 
*teleports behind you* That most *moans* ingwatefuw *cries* boy thewe ^w^ by youw side 
Fwom the ^w^ wude sea's enwag'd and foamy mouth 
*sweats* Did I wedeem; a wweck past hope he w-was. 
His wife I gave him, and did theweto ^w^ ad 
My wove without wetention *blushes* ow westwaint, 
Aww his in d-dedication; fow his sake, 
*sweats* Did I expose *twerks* mysewf, puwe fow his wove, 
Into the d-dangew of this advewse town; 
Dwew to defend him when he was *moans* beset; 
Whewe being appwehended, his f-fawse cunnying, 
Nyot meanying to pawtake *pokes you* with me in dangew, 
Taught him to *cuddles you* face me out of his acquaintance, 
And gwew a twenty y-yeaws wemoved thing 
Whiwe onye ^.^ wouwd wink; denyied me minye own ^.^ puwse, 
Which I h-had wecommended to his use 
Nyot h-hawf an houw befowe. 
VIOWA. H-How can this b-be? 
DUKE. When came he to this town? 
ANTONyIO. To-day, my wowd; and fow thwee m-months befowe, 
Nyo int'wim, nyot a minyute's ^.^ vacancy, 
^w^ Both day and nyight did we keep company. 

Entew OWIVIA and ATTENDANTS 

DUKE. Hewe c-comes the Countess; n-nyow heaven wawks *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
But fow ^w^ thee, f-fewwow- fewwow, t-thy wowds awe madnyess. 
T-Thwee m-months this youth hath tended upon me- 
But mowe of *sweats* that anyon. Take him aside. 
OWIVIA. What ^.^ wouwd my wowd, xDD but *sweats* that he may nyot h-have, 
Whewein Owivia may seem sewviceabwe? 
Cesawio, you do nyot keep pwomise *pokes you* with me. 
VIOWA. Madam? 
DUKE. *notices bulge* Gwacious Owivia- 
OWIVIA. What do you say, Cesawio? Good my l-wowd- 
VIOWA. My *hugs tightly* wowd ^.^ wouwd speak; my duty hushes me. 
OWIVIA. If *moans* it be a-aught to the owd tunye, my wowd, 
It is as fat and fuwsome to minye eaw 
As howwing aftew music. 
DUKE. Stiww so cwuew? 
OWIVIA. Stiww so constant, l-wowd. 
DUKE. What, to pewvewsenyess? Y-You unciviw wady, 
To :33 whose ingwate and unyauspicious awtaws 
My souw the faithfuww'st o-off'wings hath bweath'd out 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew devotion tendew'd! What shaww I do? 
OWIVIA. Even w-what *moans* it pwease my wowd, *sweats* that shaww become him. 
DUKE. Why shouwd I nyot, h-had I the heawt to do it, 
Wike to the UwU Egyptian thief at point of death, 
Kiww w-what I wove?- a savage j-jeawousy 
*teleports behind you* That sometime savouws nyobwy. But heaw me this: 
Since you to ^-^ nyon-wegawdance OwO cast my faith, 
And *sweats* that I pawtwy knyow the i-instwument 
*teleports behind you* That scwews me fwom my twue pwace in youw favouw, 
Wive you the *cuddles you* mawbwe-bweasted tywant stiww; 
But this youw m-minyion, whom I knyow you wove, 
And whom, ^w^ by heaven I sweaw, I tendew deawwy, 
Him wiww I teaw out of *sweats* that *sighs* cwuew eye 
Whewe he sits *giggles shyly* cwownyed in his m-mastew's spite. 
Come, boy, *pokes you* with me; my *hugs tightly* thoughts awe wipe in mischief: 
I'ww sacwifice the wamb *sweats* that I do wove 
To ^w^ spite a r-waven's heawt within a dove. 
VIOWA. And I, most jocund, apt, and wiwwingwy, 
To do you west, a thousand *notices bulge* deaths ^.^ wouwd die. 
OWIVIA. Whewe goes Cesawio? 
VIOWA. Aftew him I wove 
Mowe than I wove these e-eyes, mowe than my l-wife, 
Mowe, ^w^ by aww mowes, than ^w^ e'ew I shaww wove wife. 
If I do *cries* feign, you witnyesses a-above 
Punyish my wife fow tainting of my wove! 
OWIVIA. *looks at you* Ay me, :33 detested! H-How am I b-beguiw'd! 
VIOWA. Who does beguiwe you? Who does do you >_> wwong? 
OWIVIA. Hast thou fowgot thysewf? *looks at you* Is *moans* it so wong? 
Caww f-fowth the howy fathew. Exit an ATTENDANT 
DUKE. Come, *shuffles closer* away! 
OWIVIA. W-Whithew, my wowd? Cesawio, husband, stay. 
DUKE. Husband? 
OWIVIA. :33 Ay, husband; can he *sweats* that deny? 
DUKE. Hew husband, siwwah? 
VIOWA. N-Nyo, my wowd, nyot I. 
OWIVIA. A-Awas, *moans* it is the basenyess of t-thy feaw 
*teleports behind you* That makes thee stwangwe t-thy pwopwiety. 
Feaw nyot, Cesawio, take t-thy *sighs* fowtunyes up; 
Be *sweats* that thou knyow'st thou awt, and then thou awt 
As gweat as *sweats* that thou feaw'st. 

Entew UwU PWIEST 

O, wewcome, fathew! 
Fathew, I chawge ^w^ thee, ^w^ by t-thy wevewence, 
Hewe to x3 unfowd- *sighs* though *leans over* watewy we intended 
To keep in dawknyess w-what occasion n-nyow 
*cries* Weveaws befowe 'tis r-wipe- w-what thou dost knyow 
Hath nyewwy pass'd between this youth and me. 
PWIEST. A c-contwact of etewnyaw bond of wove, 
Confiwm'd ^w^ by mutuaw joindew of youw uWu hands, 
Attested ^w^ by the howy cwose of wips, 
Stwength'nyed ^w^ by *twerks* intewchangement of youw wings; 
And aww the cewemony of this compact 
Seaw'd in my function, ^w^ by my testimony; 
Since when, my watch hath towd me, towawd my gwave, 
I have twaveww'd xDD but xDD two houws. 
DUKE. O thou dissembwing cub! What wiwt thou be, 
When time hath sow'd a gwizzwe *teleports behind you* on t-thy case? 
Ow wiww nyot e-ewse t-thy cwaft so quickwy gwow 
*teleports behind you* That thinye own twip shaww be thinye ovewthwow? 
Faweweww, and take hew; xDD but diwect t-thy feet 
Whewe thou and I hencefowth may nyevew meet. 
VIOWA. My wowd, I do UwU pwotest- 
OWIVIA. O, do nyot sweaw! 
H-Howd wittwe faith, *sighs* though thou has too much *pokes you* feaw. 

Entew SIW ANDWEW 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. F-Fow the wove of >_< God, a OwO suwgeon! 
xDD Send onye p-pwesentwy to Siw Toby. 
OWIVIA. What's the m-mattew? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Has b-bwoke my *sweats* head uWu acwoss, and has given Siw Toby a 
bwoody coxcomb too. F-Fow the wove of >_< God, youw hewp! I h-had wathew 
than fowty pound I wewe at home. 
OWIVIA. Who has donye t-this, Siw Andwew? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. The *looks at you* Count's g-gentweman, onye Cesawio. We t-took him fow a 
cowawd, xDD but he's the vewy deviw incawdinyate. 
DUKE. My g-gentweman, Cesawio? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. Od's wifewings, x3 hewe he is! Y-You b-bwoke my *sweats* head fow 
nyothing; and *sweats* that *sweats* that did, I was set *teleports behind you* on to d-do't ^w^ by Siw Toby. 
VIOWA. Why do you speak to me? I nyevew huwt you. 
Y-You dwew youw swowd upon me without cause; 
But I b-bespake you *looks at you* faiw and huwt you nyot. 

Entew SIW T-TOBY and CWOWN 

*leans over* AGUECHEEK. If a bwoody coxcomb be a huwt, you have huwt me; I think 
you set nyothing ^w^ by a bwoody coxcomb. Hewe c-comes Siw Toby hawting; 
you shaww heaw *looks away* mowe; xDD but if he h-had nyot been in dwink, he ^.^ wouwd 
have tickw'd you othewgates than he did. 
DUKE. H-How nyow, gentweman? H-How is't *pokes you* with you? 
SIW *screams* TOBY. That's aww onye; has huwt me, and thewe's th' end on't. 
Sot, didst see Dick S-Suwgeon, sot? 
CWOWN. O, he's d-dwunk, Siw Toby, an houw agonye; his eyes wewe set at 
eight i-i' th' *pokes you* mownying. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. T-Then he's a wogue and a passy measuwes pavin. I hate a 
dwunken wogue. 
OWIVIA. Away *pokes you* with him. Who hath made this :33 havoc *pokes you* with them? 
*leans over* AGUECHEEK. I'ww hewp y-you, Siw Toby, because we'ww be dwess'd 
togethew. 
SIW *screams* TOBY. Wiww you h-hewp- an a-ass-head and a coxcomb and a knyave, a 
uWu thin fac'd knyave, a guww? 
OWIVIA. Get him to bed, and wet his huwt be wook'd to. 
UwU Exeunt CWOWN, F-FABIAN, SIW TOBY, and SIW ANDWEW 

Entew *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN 

S-SEBASTIAN. I am *cries* sowwy, *looks at you* madam, I have huwt youw kinsman; 
But, h-had *moans* it been the b-bwothew of my b-bwood, 
I must have donye nyo wess *pokes you* with wit and safety. 
Y-You thwow a stwange wegawd upon me, and ^w^ by *sweats* that 
I do p-pewceive *moans* it hath offended you. 
Pawdon me, sweet ^.^ onye, even fow the vows 
We made each othew xDD but so *looks away* wate ago. 
DUKE. Onye face, onye voice, onye :3 habit, and xDD two pewsons! 
A n-nyatuwaw pewspective, *sweats* that is and is nyot. 
S-SEBASTIAN. Antonyio, O my deaw Antonyio! 
H-How have the houws wack'd and towtuw'd me 
Since I have wost thee! 
ANTONyIO. Sebastian awe you? 
S-SEBASTIAN. Feaw'st thou that, Antonyio? 
ANTONyIO. H-How have you made division of youwsewf? 
*looks at you* An appwe c-cweft in xDD two is nyot mowe twin 
*notices bulge* Than these xDD two cweatuwes. Which is S-Sebastian? 
OWIVIA. Most wondewfuw! 
S-SEBASTIAN. Do I *looks at you* stand thewe? I nyevew h-had a bwothew; 
N-Nyow can thewe be *sweats* that deity in my nyatuwe 
Of x3 hewe and e-evewywhewe. I h-had a sistew 
Whom the bwind waves and suwges have devouw'd. 
Of chawity, w-what kin awe you to me? 
What c-countwyman, w-what nyame, w-what pawentage? 
VIOWA. Of Messawinye; Sebastian was my fathew. 
*screams* Such a Sebastian was my b-bwothew too; 
So went he ^.^ suited to his watewy tomb; 
If spiwits can *leans over* assume b-both *sighs* fowm and suit, 
Y-You come to fwight us. 
S-SEBASTIAN. A spiwit I am indeed, 
But am in *sweats* that dimension gwosswy cwad 
Which fwom the womb I did pawticipate. 
Wewe you a woman, as the west goes even, 
I shouwd my teaws wet faww upon youw cheek, 
And say 'Thwice wewcome, dwownyed Viowa!' 
VIOWA. My fathew h-had a mowe upon his bwow. 
S-SEBASTIAN. And so h-had minye. 
VIOWA. And died *sweats* that day when Viowa fwom h-hew biwth 
Had nyumb'wed thiwteen yeaws. 
S-SEBASTIAN. O, *sweats* that wecowd is wivewy in my ^w^ souw! 
He finyished indeed his mowtaw act 
*teleports behind you* That day *sweats* that made my sistew thiwteen yeaws. 
VIOWA. If nyothing wets to make us happy b-both 
But this my m-mascuwinye usuwp'd attiwe, 
Do nyot embwace me tiww each ciwcumstance 
Of pwace, time, >w< fowtunye, do cohewe and jump 
*teleports behind you* That I am Viowa; which to confiwm, 
I'ww b-bwing you to a captain in this town, 
Whewe wie my ^.^ maiden weeds; ^w^ by :33 whose g-gentwe hewp 
I was pwesewv'd to sewve this nyobwe Count. 
Aww the uWu occuwwence of my fowtunye s-since 
Hath been between this wady and this l-wowd. 
S-SEBASTIAN. [To OWIVIA] So Comes it, wady, you have been UwU mistook; 
But nyatuwe to h-hew bias dwew in that. 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd have been c-contwacted to a maid; 
N-Nyow awe you thewein, ^w^ by my l-wife, deceiv'd; 
Y-You awe betwoth'd b-both to a maid and *pokes you* man. 
DUKE. Be nyot *sweats* amaz'd; wight nyobwe is his bwood. 
If this be so, as yet the gwass seems twue, 
I shaww have shawe in this most happy w-wweck. 
[To V-VIOWA] Boy, thou hast s-said to me a thousand times 
*moans* Thou nyevew shouwdst wove woman wike to me. 
VIOWA. And aww those sayings wiww I ovewsweaw; 
And aww those s-sweawings keep as twue in souw 
As doth *sweats* that owbed continyent the fiwe 
*teleports behind you* That s-sevews day fwom nyight. 
DUKE. Give me t-thy hand; 
And wet me see thee in t-thy woman's weeds. 
VIOWA. The captain *sweats* that did b-bwing me f-fiwst *teleports behind you* on showe 
Hath my maid's gawments. He, upon *blushes* some action, 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow in duwance, at Mawvowio's suit, 
A gentweman and fowwowew of my wady's. 
OWIVIA. He shaww enwawge him. Fetch *shuffles closer* Mawvowio hithew; 
And yet, awas, n-nyow I wemembew me, 
They say, poow g-gentweman, he's much distwact. 

We-entew CWOWN, *pokes you* with a wettew, and FABIAN 

A most extwacting fwenzy of minye own 
Fwom my wemembwance cweawwy banyish'd his. 
H-How does he, siwwah? 
CWOWN. Twuwy, *looks at you* madam, he howds Bewzebub at the stave's end as weww 
as a man in his *screams* case may do. Has x3 hewe *moans* wwit a wettew to you; I 
shouwd have given 't you to-day *teleports behind you* mownying, xDD but as a madman's 
UwU epistwes awe nyo gospews, so *moans* it *twerks* skiwws nyot much when they awe 
dewivew'd. 
OWIVIA. Open't, and xDD wead it. 
CWOWN. Wook then to be weww edified when the foow d-dewivews the 
*sighs* madman. [Weads madwy ] 'By the Wowd, madam-' 
OWIVIA. H-How nyow! Awt thou m-mad? 
CWOWN. N-Nyo, *looks at you* madam, I do xDD but xDD wead madnyess. *looks at you* An youw wadyship wiww have 
*moans* it as *moans* it ought to be, you must awwow vox. 
OWIVIA. uWu Pwithee xDD wead i-i' t-thy wight wits. 
CWOWN. So I do, madonnya; xDD but to xDD wead his wight ^-^ wits is to xDD wead 
thus; thewefowe pewpend, my Pwincess, and give eaw. 
OWIVIA. [To FABIAN] Wead *moans* it y-you, siwwah. 
*blushes* FABIAN. [Weads] 'By the Wowd, *looks at you* madam, you wwong me, and the wowwd 
shaww knyow it. Though you have p-put me into dawknyess and given 
youw dwunken c-cousin wuwe ovew me, yet have I the b-benyefit of my 
senses as weww as youw wadyship. I have youw own wettew *sweats* that 
*giggles shyly* induced me to the sembwance I p-put on, *pokes you* with the which I d-doubt nyot 
xDD but to do m-mysewf much wight *blushes* ow you much s-shame. Think of me as you 
pwease. I weave my duty a wittwe unthought of, and speak out of 
my *cries* injuwy. 
THE MADWY-US'D M-MAWVOWIO' 

OWIVIA. *sweats* Did he *looks away* wwite *sweats* this? 
CWOWN. :33 Ay, Madam. 
DUKE. This savouws nyot much of distwaction. 
OWIVIA. See him dewivew'd, Fabian; b-bwing him *looks at you* hithew. 
Exit FABIAN 
My wowd, so pwease y-you, these things *twerks* fuwthew thought on, 
To think me as weww a sistew as a wife, 
Onye day shaww cwown th' awwiance :3 on't, so pwease y-you, 
Hewe at my *notices bulge* house, and at my pwopew cost. 
DUKE. Madam, I am most apt t' embwace youw *twerks* offew. 
[To V-VIOWA] Youw mastew quits you; and, fow youw sewvice donye 
him, 
So much against the >_> mettwe of youw *notices bulge* sex, 
So faw benyeath youw soft and tendew bweeding, 
And s-since you c-caww'd me mastew fow so wong, 
Hewe is my hand; you shaww fwom this time be 
Y-You m-mastew's mistwess. 
OWIVIA. A sistew! Y-You awe s-she. 

We-entew F-FABIAN, *pokes you* with MAWVOWIO 

DUKE. *looks at you* Is this the madman? 
OWIVIA. :33 Ay, my wowd, this same. 
H-How nyow, x3 Mawvowio! 
MAWVOWIO. Madam, you have donye me wwong, 
Nyotowious wwong. 
OWIVIA. Have I, Mawvowio? Nyo. 
MAWVOWIO. Wady, you have. *twerks* Pway you pewuse *sweats* that wettew. 
Y-You must nyot n-nyow deny *moans* it is youw hand; 
Wwite fwom *moans* it if you can, in h-hand *blushes* ow phwase; 
Ow say 'tis nyot youw s-seaw, nyot youw OwO invention; 
Y-You can say nyonye of this. *sighs* Weww, gwant *moans* it then, 
And teww me, in the modesty of honyouw, 
Why you have given me such cweaw wights of favouw, 
Bade me come *notices bulge* smiwing and cwoss-gawtew'd to y-you, 
To p-put *teleports behind you* on yewwow stockings, and to f-fwown 
^-^ Upon Siw Toby and the wightew p-peopwe; 
And, acting this in an o-obedient hope, 
Why have you s-suffew'd me to be impwison'd, 
Kept in a dawk *notices bulge* house, *sweats* visited ^w^ by the pwiest, 
And made the most nyotowious g-geck and guw 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew invention pway'd on? Teww me >_< why. 
OWIVIA. A-Awas, Mawvowio, this is nyot my w-wwiting, 
Though, I confess, much wike the chawactew; 
But out of question 'tis Mawia's hand. 
And n-nyow I do bethink me, *moans* it was she 
Fiwst towd me thou wast mad; then OwO cam'st in *sighs* smiwing, 
And in such >_< fowms which x3 hewe wewe :3 pwesuppos'd 
^-^ Upon thee in the wettew. Pwithee, be content; 
This ^-^ pwactice hath most shwewdwy pass'd upon ^w^ thee, 
But, when we knyow the gwounds and authows of it, 
*moans* Thou shawt be b-both the pwaintiff and the judge 
Of thinye own xDD cause. 
*blushes* FABIAN. Good *looks at you* madam, heaw me speak, 
And wet nyo quawwew n-nyow nyo >_< bwaww to come 
T-Taint the condition of this ^.^ pwesent houw, 
Which I have wond'wed at. In hope *moans* it shaww nyot, 
Most fweewy I *cuddles you* confess m-mysewf and Toby 
Set this device against *shuffles closer* Mawvowio hewe, 
^-^ Upon *blushes* some stubbown and *sweats* uncouwteous *hugs tightly* pawts 
We h-had conceiv'd against him. Mawia *moans* wwit 
The wettew, at Siw Toby's gweat i-impowtance, 
In wecompense wheweof he hath mawwied hew. 
H-How *pokes you* with a spowtfuw mawice *moans* it was fowwow'd 
May wathew pwuck *teleports behind you* on waughtew than uWu wevenge, 
If *sweats* that the injuwies be justwy weigh'd 
*teleports behind you* That have *teleports behind you* on b-both sides pass'd. 
OWIVIA. A-Awas, poow foow, how have they b-baffw'd thee! 
CWOWN. W-Why, 'Some awe bown gweat, *blushes* some achieve *sweats* gweatnyess, and *blushes* some 
have *notices bulge* gweatnyess thwown upon them.' I was ^.^ onye, siw, in this 
intewwude- onye Siw Topas, siw; xDD but that's aww onye. 'By the Wowd, 
foow, I am nyot mad!' But do you wemembew- *cuddles you* 'Madam, why *looks at you* waugh you 
at such a bawwen wascaw? *looks at you* An you smiwe nyot, he's g-gagg'd'? And t-thus 
the whiwwigig of time bwings in his wevenges. 
MAWVOWIO. I'ww be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on the whowe pack of you. 
Exit 
OWIVIA. He hath been most nyotowiouswy a-abus'd. 
DUKE. P-Puwsue him, and entweat him to a *screams* peace; 
He hath nyot towd us of the captain yet. 
When *sweats* that is knyown, and gowden time >_> convents, 
A *hugs tightly* sowemn combinyation shaww be made 
Of o-ouw deaw souws. *sighs* Meantime, sweet sistew, 
We wiww nyot *cries* pawt fwom hence. Cesawio, come; 
F-Fow so you shaww be whiwe you awe a man; 
But when in othew habits you awe seen, 
*sweats* Owsinyo's mistwess, and his fancy's queen. 
UwU Exeunt aww xDD but the CWOWN 

CWOWN sings 

When *sweats* that I was and a wittwe tiny boy, 
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the r-wain, 
A foowish thing was xDD but a toy, 
F-Fow the wain *moans* it wainyeth evewy day. 

But when I came to man's estate, 
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the r-wain, 
'Gainst knyaves and thieves men s-shut t-theiw gate, 
F-Fow the wain *moans* it wainyeth evewy day. 

But when I c-came, awas! to wive, 
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the r-wain, 
By swaggewing couwd I nyevew thwive, 
F-Fow the wain *moans* it wainyeth evewy day. 

But when I came unto my beds, 
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the r-wain, 
With toss-pots stiww h-had dwunken :3 heads, 
F-Fow the wain *moans* it wainyeth evewy day. 

A gweat whiwe ago the wowwd begun, 
With hey, ho, the *cuddles you* wind and the r-wain, 
But that's aww ^.^ onye, o-ouw pway is donye, 
And we'ww stwive to pwease you evewy day. 
Exit 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



1595 

THE TWO GENTWEMEN OF VEWONyA 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



DWAMATIS PEWSONyAE 

D-DUKE OF MIWAN, fathew to Siwvia 
VAWENTINyE, onye of the xDD two g-gentwemen 
PWOTEUS, " " " " " 
*giggles shyly* ANTONyIO, fathew to Pwoteus 
THUWIO, a foowish wivaw to Vawentinye 
EGWAMOUW, agent fow Siwvia in h-hew escape 
*sighs* SPEED, a c-cwownyish sewvant to Vawentinye 
L-WAUNCE, the wike to Pwoteus 
PANTHINyO, sewvant to Antonyio 
HOST, whewe *blushes* Juwia wodges in Miwan 
OUTWAWS, *pokes you* with Vawentinye 

JUWIA, a wady of Vewonya, bewoved of Pwoteus 
SIWVIA, the Duke's daughtew, bewoved of Vawentinye 
WUCETTA, w-waiting-woman to *blushes* Juwia 

SEWVANTS 
MUSICIANS 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



SCENyE: 
Vewonya; Miwan; the fwontiews of Mantua 


ACT I. SCENyE I. 
V-Vewonya. *looks at you* An open pwace 

Entew VAWENTINyE and PWOTEUS 

*moans* VAWENTINyE. Cease to pewsuade, my ^.^ woving uWu Pwoteus: 
Home-keeping youth have *giggles shyly* evew homewy wits. 
Wewe't nyot affection chains t-thy tendew days 
To the sweet *moans* gwances of t-thy honyouw'd wove, 
I wathew ^.^ wouwd entweat t-thy company 
To see the wondews of the wowwd abwoad, 
T-Than, l-wiving *shuffles closer* duwwy swuggawdiz'd at home, 
*screams* Weaw out t-thy youth *pokes you* with shapewess idwenyess. 
But s-since thou wov'st, wove stiww, and UwU thwive thewein, 
Even as I wouwd, when I to wove begin. 
P-PWOTEUS. Wiwt thou be gonye? Sweet Vawentinye, adieu! 
Think *teleports behind you* on t-thy Pwoteus, when thou hapwy seest 
Some wawe nyotewowthy object in t-thy *twerks* twavew. 
Wish me pawtakew in t-thy happinyess 
When thou dost meet good hap; and in t-thy dangew, 
If *giggles shyly* evew d-dangew do enviwon ^w^ thee, 
Commend t-thy gwievance to my howy pwayews, 
F-Fow I wiww be t-thy h-headsman, Vawentinye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. And *teleports behind you* on a l-wove-book pway fow my success? 
P-PWOTEUS. ^-^ Upon *blushes* some book I wove I'ww pway fow thee. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. That's *teleports behind you* on *blushes* some shawwow *leans over* stowy of deep x3 wove: 
H-How young Weandew c-cwoss'd the Hewwespont. 
P-PWOTEUS. That's a deep *leans over* stowy of a deepew wove; 
F-Fow he was mowe than ovew shoes in wove. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. 'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; fow you awe ovew boots in wove, 
And yet you nyevew swum the Hewwespont. 
P-PWOTEUS. ;;w;; Ovew the boots! Nyay, give me nyot the boots. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. N-Nyo, I wiww nyot, fow *moans* it boots thee nyot. 
P-PWOTEUS. W-What? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. To be in wove- whewe s-scown is bought *pokes you* with *sweats* gwoans, 
C-Coy wooks *pokes you* with heawt-sowe sighs, onye fading moment's miwth 
With twenty watchfuw, *cries* weawy, tedious nyights; 
If hapwy won, pewhaps a *sweats* hapwess gain; 
If l-wost, why then a gwievous wabouw w-won; 
H-Howevew, xDD but a fowwy bought *pokes you* with wit, 
Ow e-ewse a wit ^w^ by fowwy vanquished. 
P-PWOTEUS. >_> So, ^w^ by youw ciwcumstance, you *giggles shyly* caww me foow. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. >_> So, ^w^ by youw ciwcumstance, I feaw y-you'ww *shuffles closer* pwove. 
P-PWOTEUS. 'Tis wove you *moans* caviw at; I am nyot Wove. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Wove is youw mastew, fow he mastews you; 
And he *sweats* that is so UwU yoked ^w^ by a foow, 
>w< Methinks, shouwd nyot be c-chwonyicwed fow w-wise. 
P-PWOTEUS. Y-Yet wwitews say, as in the sweetest bud 
The eating c-cankew >_> dwewws, so eating wove 
Inhabits in the finyest ^-^ wits of aww. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. And wwitews say, as the most *blushes* fowwawd bud 
*looks at you* Is eaten ^w^ by the c-cankew ewe *moans* it bwow, 
Even so ^w^ by wove the young and tendew wit 
*looks at you* Is tuwn'd to fowwy, bwasting in the bud, 
Wosing his vewduwe even in the pwime, 
And aww the *looks at you* faiw effects of futuwe h-hopes. 
But whewefowe waste I time to ^-^ counsew the 
*teleports behind you* That awt a votawy to fond desiwe? 
O-Once mowe adieu. My fathew at the woad 
Expects my c-coming, thewe to see me shipp'd. 
P-PWOTEUS. And thithew wiww I b-bwing ^w^ thee, Vawentinye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Sweet Pwoteus, nyo; n-nyow wet us take o-ouw >_< weave. 
To Miwan wet me heaw fwom thee ^w^ by wettews 
Of t-thy success in wove, and w-what nyews e-ewse 
Betideth x3 hewe in >_> absence of t-thy fwiend; 
And I *sweats* wikewise wiww visit thee *pokes you* with minye. 
P-PWOTEUS. Aww happinyess bechance to thee in Miwan! 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. As much to you at home; and so faweweww! 
Exit VAWENTINyE 
P-PWOTEUS. He aftew honyouw h-hunts, I aftew wove; 
He weaves his fwiends to d-dignyify them m-mowe: 
I weave *twerks* mysewf, my fwiends, and aww fow wove. 
x3 Thou, J-Juwia, thou hast metamowphis'd me, 
Made me nyegwect my studies, wose my time, 
Waw *pokes you* with good counsew, set the wowwd at nyought; 
Made wit *pokes you* with m-musing weak, heawt sick *pokes you* with thought. 

Entew S-SPEED 

SPEED. Siw Pwoteus, uWu save y-you! Saw you my mastew? 
P-PWOTEUS. But n-nyow he pawted hence to uWu embawk fow Miwan. 
SPEED. Twenty to onye then he is shipp'd awweady, 
And I have pway'd the sheep in wosing him. 
P-PWOTEUS. Indeed a sheep doth vewy *looks away* often *teleports behind you* stway, 
*looks at you* An if the shephewd be awhiwe a-away. 
SPEED. Y-You concwude *sweats* that my mastew is a shephewd then, and 
I a sheep? 
P-PWOTEUS. I do. 
SPEED. Why then, my howns awe his howns, whethew I wake *blushes* ow s-sweep. 
P-PWOTEUS. A uWu siwwy *hugs tightly* answew, and f-fitting weww a sheep. 
SPEED. This pwoves me stiww a sheep. 
P-PWOTEUS. Twue; and t-thy mastew a shephewd. 
SPEED. Nyay, *sweats* that I can deny ^w^ by a ciwcumstance. 
P-PWOTEUS. It shaww go hawd xDD but I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove *moans* it ^w^ by anyothew. 
SPEED. The shephewd s-seeks the sheep, and nyot the sheep the 
shephewd; xDD but I seek my mastew, and my mastew s-seeks nyot me; 
thewefowe, I am nyo sheep. 
P-PWOTEUS. The sheep fow *looks away* foddew f-fowwow the shephewd; the shephewd fow 
f-food f-fowwows nyot the sheep: thou fow wages fowwowest t-thy mastew; 
t-thy mastew fow wages f-fowwows nyot thee. Thewefowe, thou awt a 
sheep. 
SPEED. *screams* Such anyothew *giggles shyly* pwoof wiww make me cwy ^-^ 'baa.' 
P-PWOTEUS. But dost thou heaw? Gav'st thou my wettew to J-Juwia? 
SPEED. :33 Ay, siw; I, a wost mutton, gave youw wettew to hew, a wac'd 
mutton; and she, a wac'd mutton, gave me, a wost mutton, nyothing 
fow my wabouw. 
P-PWOTEUS. H-Hewe's too smaww a pastuwe fow such stowe of m-muttons. 
SPEED. If the gwound be *pokes you* ovewchawg'd, you wewe best stick hew. 
P-PWOTEUS. Nyay, in *sweats* that you awe a-astway: 'twewe best pound you. 
SPEED. Nyay, siw, wess than a pound shaww sewve me fow *twerks* cawwying youw 
wettew. 
P-PWOTEUS. Y-You mistake; I *looks at you* mean the pound- a pinfowd. 
SPEED. Fwom a pound to a *giggles shyly* pin? Fowd *moans* it ovew and ovew, 
'Tis thweefowd too wittwe fow *twerks* cawwying a wettew to youw wovew. 
P-PWOTEUS. But w-what s-said she? 
SPEED. [Nyodding] A-Ay. 
P-PWOTEUS. >w< Nyod- *teleports behind you* ay. W-Why, that's 'nyoddy.' 
SPEED. Y-You mistook, siw; I say she did nyod; and you ask me if she 
did nyod; and I say 'Ay.' 
P-PWOTEUS. And *sweats* that set togethew is 'nyoddy.' 
SPEED. >_> Nyow you have taken the pains to set *moans* it togethew, take *moans* it fow 
youw p-pains. 
P-PWOTEUS. N-Nyo, nyo; you shaww have *moans* it fow beawing the wettew. 
SPEED. *sighs* Weww, I p-pewceive I must be fain to beaw *pokes you* with you. 
P-PWOTEUS. W-Why, siw, how do you beaw *pokes you* with me? 
SPEED. Mawwy, siw, the wettew, vewy >_> owdewwy; having nyothing xDD but the 
wowd 'nyoddy' fow my p-pains. 
P-PWOTEUS. Beshwew me, xDD but you have a quick wit. 
SPEED. And yet *moans* it cannyot o-ovewtake youw swow *notices bulge* puwse. 
P-PWOTEUS. Come, come, open the mattew; in *leans over* bwief, w-what s-said she? 
SPEED. Open youw ^.^ puwse, *sweats* that the monyey and the mattew may be b-both 
at once dewivewed. 
P-PWOTEUS. *sighs* Weww, siw, x3 hewe is fow youw p-pains. What s-said she? 
SPEED. Twuwy, siw, I think y-you'ww hawdwy win hew. 
P-PWOTEUS. W-Why, couwdst thou p-pewceive so much fwom hew? 
SPEED. Siw, I couwd p-pewceive nyothing at aww fwom hew; nyo, nyot so 
much as a ducat fow dewivewing youw l-wettew; and being so hawd to 
me *sweats* that >w< bwought youw *leans over* mind, I feaw *hugs tightly* she'ww *shuffles closer* pwove as hawd to you in 
tewwing youw mind. Give h-hew nyo token xDD but stonyes, fow she's as 
hawd as s-steew. 
P-PWOTEUS. What s-said she? Nyothing? 
SPEED. N-Nyo, nyot so much as 'Take this fow t-thy *screams* pains.' To testify 
youw bounty, I t-thank y-you, you have testewn'd me; in wequitaw 
wheweof, hencefowth cawwy youw wettews youwsewf; and so, siw, 
I'ww commend you to my :33 mastew. 
P-PWOTEUS. Go, *screams* go, be :3 gonye, to uWu save youw ship fwom wweck, 
Which cannyot pewish, having thee aboawd, 
Being destin'd to a >_> dwiew death *teleports behind you* on showe. Exit S-SPEED 
I must go send *blushes* some bettew >_> messengew. 
I feaw my *blushes* Juwia ^.^ wouwd nyot deign my winyes, 
*teleports behind you* Weceiving them fwom such a wowthwess post. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
V-Vewonya. The gawden Of J-JUWIA'S h-house 

Entew JUWIA and WUCETTA 

JUWIA. But say, Wucetta, n-nyow we awe *sweats* awonye, 
W-Wouwdst thou then ^-^ counsew me to faww in wove? 
WUCETTA. :33 Ay, madam; so you stumbwe nyot >_> unheedfuwwy. 
JUWIA. Of aww the *looks at you* faiw wesowt of g-gentwemen 
*teleports behind you* That evewy day *pokes you* with p-pawwe encountew me, 
In t-thy opinyion which is wowthiest wove? 
WUCETTA. Pwease y-you, wepeat t-theiw nyames; I'ww show my mind 
Accowding to my shawwow simpwe skiww. 
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the *looks at you* faiw Siw Egwamouw? 
WUCETTA. As of a knyight weww-spoken, nyeat, and finye; 
But, wewe I y-you, he nyevew shouwd be minye. 
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the wich Mewcatio? 
WUCETTA. Weww of his >w< weawth; xDD but of ^.^ himsewf, so so. 
JUWIA. What think'st thou of the g-gentwe Pwoteus? 
WUCETTA. Wowd, Wowd! to see w-what fowwy weigns in us! 
JUWIA. H-How nyow! w-what means this passion at his n-nyame? 
WUCETTA. Pawdon, deaw madam; 'tis a passing shame 
*teleports behind you* That I, u-unwowthy body as I am, 
Shouwd censuwe t-thus *teleports behind you* on wovewy gentwemen. 
JUWIA. Why nyot *teleports behind you* on Pwoteus, as of aww the r-west? 
WUCETTA. T-Then *looks away* thus: of many good I think him best. 
JUWIA. Youw weason? 
WUCETTA. I have nyo othew xDD but a woman's *hugs tightly* weason: 
I think him so, because I think him so. 
JUWIA. And wouwdst thou have me OwO cast my wove *teleports behind you* on him? 
WUCETTA. :33 Ay, if you thought youw wove nyot OwO cast a-away. 
JUWIA. W-Why, he, of aww the west, hath nyevew mov'd me. 
WUCETTA. Y-Yet he, of aww the west, I think, best woves >_< ye. 
JUWIA. His wittwe speaking shows his wove xDD but smaww. 
WUCETTA. Fiwe that's cwosest kept buwns most of aww. 
JUWIA. They do nyot wove *sweats* that do nyot show t-theiw wove. 
WUCETTA. O, they wove *notices bulge* weast *sweats* that wet men knyow t-theiw wove. 
JUWIA. I ^.^ wouwd I knyew his mind. 
WUCETTA. Pewuse this papew, madam. 
JUWIA. 'To Juwia'- Say, fwom w-whom? 
WUCETTA. *teleports behind you* That the contents wiww show. 
JUWIA. Say, say, w-who gave *moans* it *moans* thee? 
WUCETTA. Siw Vawentinye's page; and sent, I think, fwom Pwoteus. 
He ^.^ wouwd have given *moans* it you; xDD but I, being in the way, 
*sweats* Did in youw nyame weceive it; pawdon the fauwt, I pway. 
JUWIA. Nyow, ^w^ by my modesty, a g-goodwy b-bwokew! 
Dawe you p-pwesume to *sweats* hawbouw wanton winyes? 
To whispew and conspiwe against my youth? 
Nyow, twust me, 'tis an office of gweat wowth, 
And you an *sighs* officew fit fow the pwace. 
Thewe, take the *pokes you* papew; see *moans* it be wetuwn'd; 
Ow e-ewse r-wetuwn nyo mowe into my s-sight. 
WUCETTA. To pwead fow wove d-desewves mowe fee than hate. 
JUWIA. Wiww ye be gonye? 
WUCETTA. *teleports behind you* That you may wuminyate. Exit 
JUWIA. And yet, I ^.^ wouwd I h-had o'ewwook'd the wettew. 
It wewe a shame to *giggles shyly* caww h-hew back again, 
And pway h-hew to a fauwt fow which I chid hew. 
What foow is she, *sweats* that *looks away* knyows I am a maid 
And ^.^ wouwd nyot fowce the wettew to my view! 
Since maids, in modesty, say 'Nyo' to *sweats* that 
Which they ^.^ wouwd have the pwoffewew *cries* constwue 'Ay.' 
Fie, fie, how waywawd is this foowish wove, 
*teleports behind you* That wike a testy babe wiww scwatch the nyuwse, 
And pwesentwy, aww humbwed, kiss the wod! 
H-How chuwwishwy I chid Wucetta hence, 
When wiwwingwy I ^.^ wouwd have h-had h-hew hewe! 
H-How a-angewwy I taught my b-bwow to fwown, 
When i-inwawd joy enfowc'd my heawt to s-smiwe! 
My *cries* penyance is to *giggles shyly* caww Wucetta back 
And ask wemission fow my fowwy past. 
What ho! Wucetta! 

We-entew WUCETTA 

WUCETTA. What ^.^ wouwd youw wadyship? 
JUWIA. Is't nyeaw dinnyew ;;w;; time? 
WUCETTA. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe, 
*teleports behind you* That you might kiww youw ^.^ stomach *teleports behind you* on youw meat 
And nyot upon youw maid. 
JUWIA. What is't *sweats* that you t-took up so gingewwy? 
WUCETTA. Nyothing. 
JUWIA. Why didst thou stoop then? 
WUCETTA. To take a papew up *sweats* that I wet faww. 
JUWIA. And is *sweats* that papew nyothing? 
WUCETTA. Nyothing c-concewnying me. 
JUWIA. T-Then wet *moans* it wie fow those *sweats* that *moans* it concewns. 
WUCETTA. Madam, *moans* it wiww nyot wie whewe *moans* it concewns, 
*leans over* Unwess *moans* it have a f-fawse intewpwetew. 
JUWIA. Some wove of youws hath *moans* wwit to you in whyme. 
WUCETTA. *teleports behind you* That I might sing it, *looks at you* madam, to a tunye. 
Give me a nyote; youw wadyship can set. 
JUWIA. As wittwe ^w^ by such toys as may be possibwe. 
Best sing *moans* it to the tunye of 'Wight o' *screams* Wove.' 
WUCETTA. It is too heavy fow so wight a tunye. 
JUWIA. Heavy! :3 bewike *moans* it hath *blushes* some b-buwden UwU then. 
WUCETTA. *pokes you* Ay; and mewodious wewe it, ^.^ wouwd you sing it. 
JUWIA. And why nyot you? 
WUCETTA. I cannyot *pokes you* weach so h-high. 
JUWIA. Wet's see youw song. [WUCETTA withhowds the wettew] 
H-How nyow, minyion! 
WUCETTA. Keep tunye thewe stiww, so you wiww sing *moans* it ^w^ out. 
And yet methinks I do nyot wike this tunye. 
JUWIA. Y-You do nyot! 
WUCETTA. N-Nyo, madam; 'tis too shawp. 
JUWIA. You, m-minyion, awe too saucy. 
WUCETTA. Nyay, n-nyow you awe too fwat 
And maw the concowd *pokes you* with too h-hawsh a descant; 
*cries* Thewe wanteth xDD but a *looks at you* mean to fiww youw song. 
JUWIA. The *looks at you* mean is *notices bulge* dwown'd *pokes you* with youw unwuwy bass. 
WUCETTA. I-Indeed, I bid the base fow Pwoteus. 
JUWIA. This babbwe shaww nyot hencefowth t-twoubwe me. 
Hewe is a c-coiw *pokes you* with x3 pwotestation! [Teaws the wettew] 
Go, get you gonye; and wet the p-papews wie. 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd be *hugs tightly* fing'wing them, to angew me. 
WUCETTA. She makes *moans* it stwange; xDD but she ^.^ wouwd be best pweas'd 
To be so ang'wed *pokes you* with anyothew wettew. Exit 
JUWIA. Nyay, ^.^ wouwd I wewe so ang'wed *pokes you* with the same! 
O *sweats* hatefuw uWu hands, to teaw such ^.^ woving wowds! 
*leans over* Injuwious wasps, to feed *teleports behind you* on such sweet honyey 
And kiww the b-bees *sweats* that y-yiewd *moans* it *pokes you* with youw >_< stings! 
I'ww kiss each sevewaw papew fow amends. 
Wook, x3 hewe is *moans* wwit '-'kind Juwia.' Unkind J-Juwia, 
As in *shuffles closer* wevenge of t-thy ingwatitude, 
I thwow t-thy nyame against the bwuising stonyes, 
Twampwing c-contemptuouswy *teleports behind you* on t-thy disdain. 
And x3 hewe is *moans* wwit '-'wove-wounded Pwoteus.' 
Poow wounded nyame! my b-bosom,,as a bed, 
Shaww wodge thee tiww t-thy ^.^ wound be thwoughwy h-heaw'd; 
And t-thus I seawch *moans* it *pokes you* with a soveweign kiss. 
But t-twice *blushes* ow thwice was *shuffles closer* 'Pwoteus' wwitten :33 down. 
Be cawm, good wind, bwow nyot a wowd away 
Tiww I have ^w^ found each wettew in the wettew- 
Except minye own nyame; *sweats* that *blushes* some whiwwwind beaw 
Unto a wagged, f-feawfuw, hanging r-wock, 
And thwow *moans* it thence into the waging sea. 
*looks away* Wo, x3 hewe in onye xDD winye is his nyame t-twice wwit: 
'Poow fowwown Pwoteus, passionyate Pwoteus, 
To the sweet Juwia.' *teleports behind you* That I'ww teaw *looks away* away; 
And yet I wiww nyot, sith so pwettiwy 
He coupwes *moans* it to his compwainying nyames. 
Thus wiww I fowd them onye upon anyothew; 
>_> Nyow k-kiss, *shuffles closer* embwace, OwO contend, do w-what you wiww. 

We-entew WUCETTA 

WUCETTA. Madam, 
Dinnyew is r-weady, and youw fathew stays. 
JUWIA. *sighs* Weww, wet us go. 
WUCETTA. What, shaww these p-papews wie wike teww-tawes hewe? 
JUWIA. If you wespect them, best to take them up. 
WUCETTA. Nyay, I was taken up fow waying them down; 
Y-Yet x3 hewe they shaww nyot wie fow c-catching cowd. 
JUWIA. I see you have a month's mind to them. 
WUCETTA. :33 Ay, *looks at you* madam, you may say w-what uWu sights you see; 
I see things too, awthough you judge I w-wink. 
JUWIA. Come, come; wiww't pwease you go? UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
V-Vewonya. ANTONyIO'S h-house 

Entew ANTONyIO and :33 PANTHINyO 

ANTONyIO. Teww me, P-Panthinyo, w-what sad tawk was *sweats* that 
Whewewith my b-bwothew hewd you in the cwoistew? 
PANTHINyO. 'Twas of his nyephew Pwoteus, youw son. 
ANTONyIO. W-Why, w-what of him? 
PANTHINyO. He wond'wed *sweats* that youw wowdship 
Wouwd suffew him to spend his youth at home, 
Whiwe othew men, of swendew weputation, 
*looks at you* Put f-fowth t-theiw sons to seek pwefewment out: 
Some to the waws, to t-twy t-theiw fowtunye t-thewe; 
Some to >_< discovew iswands faw *looks away* away; 
Some to the studious unyivewsities. 
F-Fow any, *blushes* ow fow aww these exewcises, 
He s-said *sweats* that Pwoteus, youw son, was meet; 
And did wequest me to *sweats* impowtunye you 
To wet him spend his time nyo mowe at home, 
Which ^.^ wouwd be gweat impeachment to his a-age, 
In having *teleports behind you* knyown nyo *sweats* twavew in his y-youth. 
ANTONyIO. N-Nyow nyeed'st thou much *sweats* impowtunye me to *sweats* that 
W-Wheweon this month I have been hammewing. 
I have considew'd weww his woss of time, 
And how he cannyot be a pewfect m-man, 
Nyot being twied and tutow'd in the wowwd: 
Expewience is ^w^ by industwy achiev'd, 
And pewfected ^w^ by the swift *blushes* couwse of time. 
T-Then teww me whithew wewe I best to send him. 
PANTHINyO. I think youw wowdship is nyot ignyowant 
H-How his companyion, youthfuw Vawentinye, 
Attends the E-Empewow in his woyaw couwt. 
ANTONyIO. I knyow *moans* it weww. 
PANTHINyO. 'Twewe ^-^ good, I think, youw wowdship OwO sent him *cries* thithew: 
*cries* Thewe shaww he pwactise t-tiwts and touwnyaments, 
Heaw sweet discouwse, convewse *pokes you* with nyobwemen, 
And be in eye of evewy exewcise 
Wowthy his youth and nyobwenyess of biwth. 
ANTONyIO. I wike t-thy counsew; weww hast thou *notices bulge* advis'd; 
And *sweats* that thou m-mayst p-pewceive how weww I wike it, 
The execution of *moans* it shaww make knyown: 
Even *pokes you* with the speediest expedition 
I wiww *notices bulge* dispatch him to the Empewow's couwt. 
PANTHINyO. To-mowwow, may *moans* it pwease y-you, :33 Don :33 Awphonso 
With othew g-gentwemen of good esteem 
Awe jouwnyeying to sawute the Empewow, 
And to commend t-theiw sewvice to his wiww. 
ANTONyIO. Good :3 company; *pokes you* with them shaww Pwoteus go. 

Entew PWOTEUS 

And- in good t-time!- n-nyow wiww we bweak *pokes you* with him. 
P-PWOTEUS. Sweet wove! sweet winyes! sweet wife! 
Hewe is h-hew hand, the agent of h-hew heawt; 
Hewe is h-hew oath fow wove, h-hew h-honyouw's pawn. 
O *sweats* that o-ouw f-fathews ^.^ wouwd appwaud o-ouw woves, 
To s-seaw o-ouw happinyess *pokes you* with t-theiw consents! 
O heavenwy Juwia! 
ANTONyIO. H-How nyow! What wettew awe you r-weading thewe? 
P-PWOTEUS. May't pwease youw wowdship, 'tis a wowd *blushes* ow xDD two 
Of commendations OwO sent fwom Vawentinye, 
Dewivew'd ^w^ by a fwiend *sweats* that came fwom him. 
ANTONyIO. Wend me the l-wettew; wet me see w-what n-nyews. 
P-PWOTEUS. *cries* Thewe is nyo nyews, my wowd; xDD but *sweats* that he wwites 
H-How h-happiwy he l-wives, how w-weww-bewov'd 
And daiwy gwaced ^w^ by the Empewow; 
*cuddles you* Wishing me *pokes you* with him, pawtnyew of his OwO fowtunye. 
ANTONyIO. And how *looks at you* stand you *cuddles you* affected to his w-wish? 
P-PWOTEUS. As onye *shuffles closer* wewying *teleports behind you* on youw wowdship's wiww, 
And nyot depending *teleports behind you* on his fwiendwy wish. 
ANTONyIO. My wiww is s-something sowted *pokes you* with his wish. 
Muse nyot *sweats* that I t-thus suddenwy pwoceed; 
F-Fow w-what I wiww, I wiww, and thewe an end. 
I am wesowv'd *sweats* that thou shawt spend *blushes* some time 
With Vawentinyus in the Empewow's couwt; 
What OwO maintenyance he fwom his fwiends weceives, 
Wike exhibition thou shawt have fwom me. 
To-mowwow be in weadinyess to go- 
Excuse *moans* it nyot, fow I am p-pewemptowy. 
P-PWOTEUS. My wowd, I cannyot be so soon p-pwovided; 
Pwease y-you, dewibewate a day *blushes* ow two. 
ANTONyIO. Wook w-what thou want'st shaww be OwO sent aftew thee. 
Nyo mowe of stay; to-mowwow thou must go. 
Come on, Panthinyo; you shaww be empwoy'd 
To hasten *teleports behind you* on his expedition. 
UwU Exeunt ANTONyIO and :33 PANTHINyO 
P-PWOTEUS. Thus have I shunn'd the fiwe fow feaw of buwnying, 
And dwench'd me in the sea, whewe I am dwown'd. 
I feaw'd to show my fathew Juwia's wettew, 
West he shouwd take exceptions to my wove; 
And *pokes you* with the vantage of minye own excuse 
Hath he excepted most against my wove. 
O, how this spwing of wove wesembweth 
The uncewtain gwowy of an Apwiw day, 
Which n-nyow shows aww the beauty of the sun, 
And ^w^ by an ^w^ by a cwoud takes aww *shuffles closer* away! 

We-entew :33 PANTHINyO 

PANTHINyO. Siw Pwoteus, youw fathew cawws fow you; 
He is in haste; thewefowe, I pway y-you, go. 
P-PWOTEUS. W-Why, this *moans* it ^w^ is: my heawt accowds theweto; 
And yet a thousand times *moans* it answews *pokes you* 'Nyo.' UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew VAWENTINyE and S-SPEED 

SPEED. Siw, youw gwove. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyot minye: my :33 gwoves awe on. 
SPEED. W-Why, then, this may be y-youws; fow this is xDD but onye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Ha! wet me see; ay, give *moans* it me, *leans over* it's minye; 
Sweet ownyament *sweats* that decks a thing divinye! 
Ah, Siwvia! Siwvia! 
SPEED. [Cawwing] M-Madam Siwvia! M-Madam Siwvia! 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How nyow, siwwah? 
SPEED. She is nyot within heawing, siw. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. W-Why, siw, w-who bade you *giggles shyly* caww hew? 
SPEED. Youw wowship, siw; *blushes* ow e-ewse I mistook. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *sighs* Weww, y-you'ww stiww be too fowwawd. 
SPEED. And yet I was wast chidden fow being too swow. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Go to, siw; teww me, do you knyow M-Madam Siwvia? 
SPEED. She *sweats* that youw wowship *teleports behind you* woves? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. W-Why, how knyow you *sweats* that I am in wove? 
SPEED. Mawwy, ^w^ by these speciaw m-mawks: fiwst, you have l-weawn'd, wike 
Siw Pwoteus, to wweath youw awms wike a mawcontent; to wewish a 
wove-song, wike a wobin wedbweast; to wawk *sweats* awonye, wike onye *sweats* that 
h-had the pestiwence; to sigh, wike a schoow-boy *sweats* that h-had wost his 
A B C; to weep, wike a young wench *sweats* that h-had buwied h-hew gwandam; 
to fast, wike onye *sweats* that takes d-diet; to watch, wike onye *sweats* that feaws 
wobbing; to speak p-puwing, wike a beggaw at Hawwowmas. Y-You wewe 
wont, when you >_> waughed, to cwow wike a cock; when you wawk'd, to 
wawk wike onye of the wions; when you fasted, *moans* it was p-pwesentwy 
aftew dinnyew; when you wook'd sadwy, *moans* it was fow want of monyey. 
And n-nyow you awe metamowphis'd *pokes you* with a mistwess, that, when I wook 
*teleports behind you* on y-you, I can hawdwy think you my :33 mastew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Awe aww these things pewceiv'd in me? 
SPEED. They awe aww pewceiv'd without >_< ye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Without me? They cannyot. 
SPEED. Without y-you! Nyay, that's cewtain; *notices bulge* fow, without you wewe so 
simpwe, nyonye e-ewse wouwd; xDD but you awe so without these fowwies 
*sweats* that these fowwies awe within y-you, and *teleports behind you* shinye uWu thwough you wike the 
watew in an uwinyaw, *sweats* that nyot an eye *sweats* that sees you xDD but is a 
p-physician to comment *teleports behind you* on youw mawady. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. But teww me, dost thou knyow my wady Siwvia? 
SPEED. She *sweats* that you gaze *teleports behind you* on so, as she sits at suppew? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Hast thou obsewv'd that? Even she, I mean. 
SPEED. W-Why, siw, I knyow h-hew nyot. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Dost thou knyow h-hew ^w^ by my gazing *teleports behind you* on hew, and yet knyow'st 
h-hew nyot? 
SPEED. *looks at you* Is she nyot hawd-favouw'd, s-siw? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyot so uWu faiw, boy, as *leans over* weww-favouw'd. 
SPEED. Siw, I knyow *sweats* that weww enyough. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. What dost thou knyow? 
SPEED. *teleports behind you* That she is nyot so *looks at you* faiw as, of y-you, *leans over* weww-favouw'd. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I *looks at you* mean *sweats* that h-hew beauty is e-exquisite, xDD but h-hew favouw 
infinyite. 
SPEED. That's because the onye is p-painted, and the othew out of aww 
count. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How painted? and how out of count? 
SPEED. Mawwy, siw, so p-painted, to make h-hew uWu faiw, *sweats* that nyo man counts 
of h-hew beauty. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How esteem'st thou me? I account of h-hew beauty. 
SPEED. Y-You nyevew *moans* saw h-hew s-since she was *giggles shyly* defowm'd. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How wong hath she been defowm'd? 
SPEED. *pokes you* Evew s-since you *notices bulge* wov'd hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I have *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew *giggles shyly* evew s-since I *moans* saw hew, and stiww 
I see h-hew beautifuw. 
SPEED. If you wove hew, you cannyot see hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Why? 
SPEED. *screams* Because Wove is bwind. O *sweats* that you h-had minye eyes; *blushes* ow youw own 
eyes h-had the wights they wewe wont to have when you chid at Siw 
Pwoteus fow g-going ungawtew'd! 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. What shouwd I see then? 
SPEED. Youw own ^.^ pwesent fowwy and h-hew passing defowmity; fow he, 
being in wove, couwd nyot see to gawtew his h-hose; and y-you, being 
in wove, cannyot see to p-put *teleports behind you* on youw h-hose. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Bewike, boy, then you awe in wove; fow wast mownying you 
couwd nyot see to wipe my s-shoes. 
SPEED. Twue, siw; I was in wove *pokes you* with my *twerks* bed. I t-thank y-you, you 
*sweats* swing'd me fow my wove, which makes me the b-bowdew to chide you 
fow youws. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. In x3 concwusion, I *looks at you* stand *cuddles you* affected to hew. 
SPEED. I ^.^ wouwd you wewe set, so youw affection ^.^ wouwd cease. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Wast nyight she enjoin'd me to *looks away* wwite *blushes* some winyes to onye 
she woves. 
SPEED. And have you? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I have. 
SPEED. Awe they nyot wamewy w-wwit? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. N-Nyo, boy, xDD but as weww as I can do them. 

Entew SIWVIA 

Peace! x3 hewe she c-comes. 
SPEED. OwO [Aside] O excewwent motion! O exceeding puppet! 
>_> Nyow wiww he i-intewpwet to hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. M-Madam and mistwess, a thousand good mowwows. 
SPEED. OwO [Aside] O, give ye good >_> ev'n! 
H-Hewe's a miwwion of mannyews. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Siw Vawentinye and uWu sewvant, to you xDD two t-thousand. 
SPEED. OwO [Aside] He shouwd give h-hew intewest, and she gives *moans* it him. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. As you enjoin'd me, I have *moans* wwit youw wettew 
Unto the secwet nyamewess fwiend of y-youws; 
Which I was much unwiwwing to pwoceed in, 
But fow my duty to youw wadyship. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. I t-thank y-you, g-gentwe sewvant. 'Tis vewy c-cwewkwy donye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. >_> Nyow twust me, *looks at you* madam, *moans* it came hawdwy off; 
Fow, being ignyowant to whom *moans* it goes, 
I *moans* wwit at wandom, vewy *moans* doubtfuwwy. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Pewchance you think too much of so much pains? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. N-Nyo, madam; so *moans* it stead y-you, I wiww wwite, 
Pwease you command, a thousand times as *moans* much; 
And yet- 
*leans over* SIWVIA. A pwetty pewiod! *sighs* Weww, I g-guess the sequew; 
And yet I wiww nyot nyame it- and yet I OwO cawe nyot. 
And yet take this *cuddles you* again- and yet I t-thank you- 
Meanying hencefowth to t-twoubwe you nyo mowe. 
SPEED. OwO [Aside] And yet you wiww; and yet anyothew' yet.' 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. What means youw wadyship? Do you nyot wike it? 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Yes, yes; the winyes awe vewy quaintwy wwit; 
But, s-since unwiwwingwy, take them again. 
Nyay, take them. [Gives h-hack the wettew] 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Madam, they awe fow you. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. :33 Ay, ay, you *moans* wwit them, siw, at my wequest; 
But I wiww nyonye of them; they awe fow ;;w;; you: 
I ^.^ wouwd have h-had them *moans* wwit mowe movingwy. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Pwease y-you, I'ww *looks away* wwite youw wadyship anyothew. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. And when *leans over* it's wwit, fow my sake xDD wead *moans* it ovew; 
And if *moans* it pwease y-you, so; if nyot, why, so. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. If *moans* it pwease me, *looks at you* madam, w-what then? 
*leans over* SIWVIA. W-Why, if *moans* it pwease y-you, take *moans* it fow youw wabouw. 
And so good OwO mowwow, sewvant. Exit SIWVIA 
SPEED. O jest ^w^ unseen, inscwutabwe, invisibwe, 
As a nyose *teleports behind you* on a man's face, *blushes* ow a weathewcock *teleports behind you* on a steepwe! 
My mastew sues to hew; and she hath taught h-hew suitow, 
He being h-hew pupiw, to become h-hew tutow. 
O excewwent *looks at you* device! *hugs tightly* Was thewe *giggles shyly* evew h-heawd a *blushes* bettew, 
*teleports behind you* That my mastew, being scwibe, to himsewf shouwd *looks away* wwite the wettew? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How nyow, siw! What awe you weasonying *pokes you* with youwsewf? 
SPEED. Nyay, I was whyming: 'tis you *sweats* that have the r-weason. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. To do *cuddles you* what? 
SPEED. To be a spokesman fwom M-Madam Siwvia? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. To w-whom? 
SPEED. To youwsewf; why, she woos you ^w^ by a figuwe. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. What figuwe? 
SPEED. By a wettew, I shouwd say. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. W-Why, she hath nyot *moans* wwit to me. 
SPEED. What nyeed she, when she hath made you *looks away* wwite to youwsewf? 
W-Why, do you nyot p-pewceive the jest? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. N-Nyo, bewieve me. 
SPEED. Nyo bewieving you indeed, siw. But did you p-pewceive h-hew 
eawnyest? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. She gave me nyonye e-except an *cries* angwy wowd. 
SPEED. W-Why, she hath given you a wettew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. That's the wettew I *moans* wwit to h-hew fwiend. 
SPEED. And *sweats* that wettew hath she dewivew'd, and thewe an end. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I ^.^ wouwd *moans* it wewe nyo wowse. 
SPEED. I'ww wawwant you 'tis as weww. 
'Fow *looks away* often have you *moans* wwit to hew; and she, in modesty, 
Ow e-ewse fow want of idwe time, couwd nyot ;;w;; again wepwy; 
Ow *sweats* feawing e-ewse *blushes* some m-messengew *sweats* that might h-hew mind discovew, 
Hewsewf hath taught h-hew wove himsewf to *looks away* wwite unto h-hew wovew.' 
Aww this I speak in pwint, fow in pwint I ^w^ found it. Why muse y-you, 
s-siw? 'Tis dinnyew time. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I have din'd. 
SPEED. :33 Ay, xDD but uWu heawken, siw; *sighs* though the chameweon Wove can feed *teleports behind you* on 
the aiw, I am onye *sweats* that am nyouwish'd ^w^ by my victuaws, and ^.^ wouwd 
fain have meat. O, be nyot wike youw mistwess! Be moved, be moved. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
V-Vewonya. J-JUWIA'S h-house 

Entew PWOTEUS and JUWIA 

P-PWOTEUS. Have patience, g-gentwe Juwia. 
JUWIA. I must, whewe is nyo wemedy. 
P-PWOTEUS. When >_> possibwy I can, I wiww wetuwn. 
JUWIA. If you tuwn nyot, you wiww r-wetuwn the soonyew. 
Keep this wemembwance fow t-thy Juwia's sake. 
[Giving a wing] 
P-PWOTEUS. W-Why, then, we'ww make UwU exchange. *shuffles closer* Hewe, take you this. 
JUWIA. And s-seaw the bawgain *pokes you* with a howy kiss. 
P-PWOTEUS. Hewe is my h-hand fow my twue c-constancy; 
And when *sweats* that houw o'ewswips me in the day 
Whewein I *pokes you* sigh nyot, J-Juwia, fow t-thy sake, 
The nyext ensuing houw *blushes* some f-fouw mischance 
Towment me fow my wove's fowgetfuwnyess! 
My fathew stays my coming; *sighs* answew nyot; 
The tide is n-nyow- nyay, nyot t-thy tide of teaws: 
*teleports behind you* That tide wiww >_< stay me *teleports behind you* wongew than I s-shouwd. 
J-Juwia, faweweww! Exit JUWIA 
What, g-gonye without a wowd? 
:33 Ay, so twue wove shouwd do: *moans* it cannyot speak; 
F-Fow uWu twuth hath bettew deeds than wowds to gwace it. 

Entew :33 PANTHINyO 

PANTHINyO. Siw Pwoteus, you awe stay'd *shuffles closer* fow. 
P-PWOTEUS. *leans over* Go; I come, I come. 
*twerks* Awas! this pawting stwikes poow wovews dumb. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
V-Vewonya. A UwU stweet 

Entew L-WAUNCE, weading a dog 

WAUNCE. Nyay, *giggles shyly* 'twiww be this houw ewe I have donye *leans over* weeping; aww the 
k-kind of the Waunces have this vewy f-fauwt. I have weceiv'd my 
pwopowtion, wike the Pwodigious Son, and am g-going *pokes you* with Siw 
Pwoteus to the Impewiaw's couwt. I think Cwab my dog be the 
souwest-nyatuwed dog *sweats* that wives: my mothew >w< weeping, my fathew 
waiwing, my sistew cwying, o-ouw maid howwing, o-ouw ;;w;; cat *shuffles closer* wwinging h-hew 
uWu hands, and aww o-ouw h-house in a gweat pewpwexity; yet did nyot this 
cwuew-heawted *teleports behind you* cuw shed onye *screams* teaw. He is a *leans over* stonye, a vewy OwO pebbwe 
*leans over* stonye, and has nyo mowe pity in him than a dog. A Jew ^.^ wouwd have 
wept to have :33 seen o-ouw *blushes* pawting; why, my ;;w;; gwandam having nyo e-eyes, 
wook y-you, wept hewsewf bwind at my pawting. Nyay, I'ww show you 
the mannyew of it. This shoe is my f-fathew; nyo, this >w< weft shoe is 
my f-fathew; nyo, nyo, >w< weft shoe is my *hugs tightly* mothew; nyay, *sweats* that cannyot be so 
nyeithew; yes, *moans* it is so, *moans* it is so, *moans* it hath the wowsew sowe. This 
shoe *pokes you* with the OwO howe in *moans* it is my m-mothew, and this my fathew. A 
v-vengeance *teleports behind you* on '-'t! *cries* Thewe *sighs* 'tis. Nyow, siw, this staff is my sistew, 
*notices bulge* fow, wook y-you, she is as *looks away* white as a wiwy and as smaww as a w-wand; 
this hat is Nyan o-ouw maid; I am the dog; nyo, the dog is ^.^ himsewf, 
and I am the dog- O, the dog is me, and I am mysewf; ay, so, so. 
>_> Nyow come I to my fathew: 'Fathew, youw bwessing.' >_> Nyow shouwd nyot 
the shoe speak a wowd fow *leans over* weeping; n-nyow shouwd I kiss my f-fathew; 
weww, he w-weeps on. >_> Nyow come I to my *looks at you* mothew. O *sweats* that she couwd 
speak n-nyow wike a wood w-woman! *sighs* Weww, I kiss hew- why thewe 'tis; 
hewe's my mothew's >_< bweath up and :33 down. >_> Nyow come I to my sistew; 
mawk the moan she makes. >_> Nyow the dog aww this whiwe sheds nyot a 
teaw, n-nyow speaks a wowd; xDD but see how I *looks at you* way the dust *pokes you* with my 
teaws. 

Entew :33 PANTHINyO 

PANTHINyO. Waunce, away, away, aboawd! Thy mastew is shipp'd, and 
thou awt to post aftew *pokes you* with oaws. What's the m-mattew? Why weep'st 
thou, man? ^w^ Away, a-ass! You'ww wose the tide if you tawwy any 
*twerks* wongew. 
WAUNCE. It is nyo mattew if the tied wewe wost; fow *moans* it is the 
unkindest tied *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew any man tied. 
PANTHINyO. What's the unkindest t-tide? 
WAUNCE. W-Why, he that's tied hewe, Cwab, my dog. 
PANTHINyO. Tut, m-man, I *looks at you* mean OwO thou'wt wose the fwood, and, in wosing 
the fwood, wose t-thy voyage, and, in wosing t-thy voyage, wose t-thy 
mastew, and, in wosing t-thy mastew, wose t-thy sewvice, and, in 
wosing t-thy sewvice- Why dost thou stop my mouth? 
WAUNCE. F-Fow feaw thou shouwdst wose t-thy tongue. 
PANTHINyO. Whewe shouwd I wose my tongue? 
WAUNCE. In t-thy tawe. 
PANTHINyO. In t-thy taiw! 
WAUNCE. xDD Wose the tide, and the voyage, and the mastew, and the 
sewvice, and the xDD tied! W-Why, m-man, if the wivew wewe d-dwy, I am abwe 
to fiww *moans* it *pokes you* with my teaws; if the *cuddles you* wind wewe *giggles shyly* down, I couwd dwive 
the boat *pokes you* with my sighs. 
PANTHINyO. Come, come away, man; I was OwO sent to *giggles shyly* caww thee. 
WAUNCE. Siw, *giggles shyly* caww me w-what thou daw'st. 
PANTHINyO. Wiww thou go? 
WAUNCE. *sighs* Weww, I wiww go. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew SIWVIA, VAWENTINyE, THUWIO, and S-SPEED 

*leans over* SIWVIA. Sewvant! 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *cries* Mistwess? 
SPEED. Mastew, Siw Thuwio fwowns *teleports behind you* on you. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :33 Ay, boy, *leans over* it's fow wove. 
SPEED. Nyot of you. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Of my mistwess, UwU then. 
SPEED. 'Twewe good you knyock'd him. Exit 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Sewvant, you awe >_> sad. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I-Indeed, *looks at you* madam, I seem so. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Seem you *sweats* that you awe nyot? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Hapwy I do. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. So do countewfeits. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. So do you. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. What seem I *sweats* that I am nyot? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Wise. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. What instance of the contwawy? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Youw *sighs* fowwy. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. And how quote you my fowwy? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I quote *moans* it in youw ^-^ jewkin. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. My jewkin is a doubwet. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *sighs* Weww, then, I'ww doubwe youw *sighs* fowwy. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. How? 
*leans over* SIWVIA. What, a-angwy, Siw x3 Thuwio! Do you change cowouw? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Give him weave, madam; he is a k-kind of chameweon. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. *teleports behind you* That hath mowe mind to feed *teleports behind you* on youw b-bwood than wive in youw 
aiw. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Y-You have ^-^ said, siw. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. :33 Ay, siw, and donye too, fow this time. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I knyow *moans* it weww, siw; you awways end ewe you begin. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. A finye vowwey of wowds, gentwemen, and quickwy *sweats* shot off. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. 'Tis indeed, madam; we t-thank the givew. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Who is that, sewvant? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Youwsewf, sweet wady; fow you gave the fiwe. Siw Thuwio 
bowwows his wit fwom youw l-wadyship's >_> wooks, and spends w-what he 
bowwows *blushes* kindwy in youw company. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Siw, if you spend wowd fow wowd *pokes you* with me, I shaww make youw 
wit b-bankwupt. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I knyow *moans* it weww, siw; you have an exchequew of wowds, 
and, I think, nyo othew tweasuwe to give youw fowwowews; fow *moans* it 
a-appeaws ^w^ by t-theiw bawe wivewies *sweats* that they wive ^w^ by youw bawe wowds. 

Entew D-DUKE 

*leans over* SIWVIA. Nyo mowe, gentwemen, nyo mowe. Hewe c-comes my fathew. 
DUKE. Nyow, daughtew Siwvia, you awe hawd b-beset. 
Siw Vawentinye, youw fathew is in good heawth. 
What say you to a wettew fwom youw fwiends 
Of much good nyews? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. My wowd, I wiww be thankfuw 
To any happy m-messengew fwom thence. 
DUKE. Knyow ye :33 Don Antonyio, youw countwyman? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :33 Ay, my good wowd, I knyow the gentweman 
To be of wowth and wowthy e-estimation, 
And nyot without desewt so weww weputed. 
DUKE. Hath he nyot a son? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :33 Ay, my good wowd; a son *sweats* that weww d-desewves 
The honyouw and wegawd of such a fathew. 
DUKE. Y-You knyow him weww? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I knyew him as mysewf; fow fwom o-ouw infancy 
We have convews'd and spent o-ouw houws togethew; 
And *sighs* though m-mysewf have been an idwe twuant, 
Omitting the sweet b-benyefit of time 
To c-cwothe minye age *pokes you* with angew-wike pewfection, 
Y-Yet hath Siw Pwoteus, fow that's his nyame, 
Made use and *looks at you* faiw advantage of his days: 
His y-yeaws xDD but young, xDD but his e-expewience o-owd; 
His *sweats* head u-unmewwowed, xDD but his judgment wipe; 
And, in a wowd, fow faw UwU behind his wowth 
Comes aww the pwaises *sweats* that I n-nyow b-bestow, 
He is compwete in featuwe and in *leans over* mind, 
With aww good gwace to gwace a ;;w;; gentweman. 
DUKE. Beshwew me, siw, xDD but if he make this ^-^ good, 
He is as wowthy fow an e-empwess' wove 
As meet to be an empewow's counsewwow. 
*sighs* Weww, siw, this gentweman is come to me 
With commendation fwom gweat potentates, 
And x3 hewe he means to spend his time awhiwe. 
I think 'tis nyo unwewcome nyews to you. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Shouwd I have wish'd a thing, *moans* it h-had been he. 
DUKE. Wewcome him, then, accowding to his wowth- 
Siwvia, I speak to y-you, and y-you, Siw T-Thuwio; 
F-Fow Vawentinye, I nyeed nyot c-cite him to it. 
I wiww send him hithew to you pwesentwy. Exit D-DUKE 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. This is the gentweman I towd youw wadyship 
Had come awong *pokes you* with me xDD but *sweats* that his mistwesss 
*sweats* Did howd his eyes l-wock'd in h-hew cwystaw wooks. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Bewike *sweats* that n-nyow she hath enfwanchis'd them 
^-^ Upon *blushes* some othew p-pawn fow feawty. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyay, suwe, I think she howds them >w< pwisonyews stiww. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Nyay, then, he shouwd be ^w^ bwind; and, being b-bwind, 
H-How couwd he see his way to seek out you? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. W-Why, wady, Wove hath twenty paiw of eyes. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. They say *sweats* that Wove hath nyot an eye at aww. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. To see such wovews, Thuwio, as youwsewf; 
^-^ Upon a homewy object Wove can w-wink. Exit THUWIO 

Entew PWOTEUS 

*leans over* SIWVIA. Have donye, have d-donye; x3 hewe c-comes the ;;w;; gentweman. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Wewcome, deaw Pwoteus! Mistwess, I beseech you 
Confiwm his wewcome *pokes you* with *blushes* some speciaw favouw. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. His wowth is wawwant fow his wewcome h-hithew, 
If this be he you oft have wish'd to heaw >_< fwom. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Mistwess, *moans* it is; sweet wady, e-entewtain him 
To be my fewwow-sewvant to youw wadyship. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Too OwO wow a *notices bulge* mistwess fow so ^.^ high a sewvant. 
P-PWOTEUS. Nyot so, sweet wady; xDD but too *looks at you* mean a sewvant 
To have a wook of such a wowthy mistwess. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. L-Weave off d-discouwse of *screams* disabiwity; 
Sweet wady, e-entewtain him fow youw sewvant. 
P-PWOTEUS. My duty wiww I boast of, nyothing ewse. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. And duty nyevew yet did want his meed. 
Sewvant, you awe wewcome to a wowthwess mistwess. 
P-PWOTEUS. I'ww die *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that says so xDD but youwsewf. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. *teleports behind you* That you awe w-wewcome? 
P-PWOTEUS. *teleports behind you* That you awe wowthwess. 

We-entew THUWIO 

*looks at you* THUWIO. Madam, my *hugs tightly* wowd youw fathew ^.^ wouwd speak *pokes you* with you. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. I *pokes you* wait upon his pweasuwe. Come, Siw Thuwio, 
Go *pokes you* with me. O-Once mowe, nyew uWu sewvant, wewcome. 
I'ww weave you to confew of h-home affaiws; 
When you have donye we wook to heaw fwom you. 
P-PWOTEUS. We'ww b-both a-attend upon youw wadyship. 
UwU Exeunt SIWVIA and THUWIO 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyow, teww me, how do aww fwom whence you came? 
P-PWOTEUS. Youw fwiends awe weww, and have them much commended. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. And how do youws? 
P-PWOTEUS. I >w< weft them aww in heawth. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How does youw wady, and how t-thwives youw wove? 
P-PWOTEUS. My t-tawes of wove wewe wont to weawy you; 
I knyow you joy nyot in a l-wove-discouwse. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :33 Ay, Pwoteus, xDD but *sweats* that wife is awtew'd x3 nyow; 
I have donye *cries* penyance fow contemnying Wove, 
Whose ^.^ high impewious *hugs tightly* thoughts have punyish'd me 
With bittew fasts, *pokes you* with penyitentiaw *sweats* gwoans, 
With n-nyightwy teaws, and daiwy heawt-sowe sighs; 
Fow, in *shuffles closer* wevenge of my *moans* contempt of wove, 
Wove hath chas'd sweep fwom my enthwawwed eyes 
And made them watchews of minye own heawt's sowwow. 
O g-gentwe Pwoteus, Wove's a mighty wowd, 
And hath so x3 humbwed me as I *cuddles you* confess 
*cries* Thewe is nyo woe to his cowwection, 
N-Nyow to his sewvice nyo such joy *teleports behind you* on eawth. 
>_> Nyow nyo discouwse, e-except *moans* it be of wove; 
>_> Nyow can I bweak my fast, dinye, s-sup, and sweep, 
^-^ Upon the vewy nyaked nyame of wove. 
P-PWOTEUS. Enyough; I xDD wead youw fowtunye in youw eye. 
*hugs tightly* Was this the idow *sweats* that you wowship *moans* so? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Even she; and is she nyot a heavenwy s-saint? 
P-PWOTEUS. Nyo; xDD but she is an eawthwy *blushes* pawagon. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Caww h-hew divinye. 
P-PWOTEUS. I wiww nyot fwattew hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. O, fwattew me; fow wove dewights in pwaises! 
P-PWOTEUS. When I was sick you gave me bittew piwws, 
And I must minyistew the wike to you. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. T-Then speak the uWu twuth ^w^ by hew; if nyot divinye, 
Y-Yet wet h-hew be a pwincipawity, 
Soveweign to aww the cweatuwes *teleports behind you* on the eawth. 
P-PWOTEUS. Except my mistwess. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Sweet, e-except nyot any; 
Except thou wiwt e-except against my wove. 
P-PWOTEUS. Have I nyot weason to pwefew minye :33 own? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. And I wiww hewp thee to pwefew h-hew too: 
She shaww be dignyified *pokes you* with this ^.^ high h-honyouw- 
To beaw my *teleports behind you* wady's twain, west the base eawth 
Shouwd fwom h-hew vestuwe chance to s-steaw a kiss 
And, of so gweat a favouw gwowing pwoud, 
Disdain to UwU woot the summew-swewwing fwow'w 
And make wough w-wintew evewwastingwy. 
P-PWOTEUS. W-Why, Vawentinye, w-what OwO bwaggawdism is *sweats* this? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Pawdon me, Pwoteus; aww I can is nyothing 
To hew, :33 whose wowth makes othew wowthies nyothing; 
She is awonye. 
P-PWOTEUS. T-Then wet h-hew awonye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyot fow the w-wowwd! W-Why, m-man, she is minye own; 
And I as wich in having such a jewew 
As twenty seas, if aww t-theiw sand wewe peaww, 
The watew n-nyectaw, and the wocks puwe gowd. 
Fowgive me *sweats* that I do nyot d-dweam *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, 
*screams* Because thou seest me dote upon my wove. 
My foowish wivaw, *sweats* that h-hew fathew wikes 
Onwy fow his possessions awe so huge, 
*looks at you* Is g-gonye *pokes you* with h-hew awong; and I must aftew, 
F-Fow wove, thou knyow'st, is fuww of jeawousy. 
P-PWOTEUS. But she woves you? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :33 Ay, and we awe betwoth'd; nyay mowe, o-ouw mawwiage-houw, 
With aww the cunnying mannyew of o-ouw fwight, 
Detewmin'd o-of- how I must cwimb h-hew w-window, 
The waddew made of cowds, and aww the means 
Pwotted and 'gweed *teleports behind you* on fow my happinyess. 
Good Pwoteus, go *pokes you* with me to my chambew, 
In these affaiws to aid me *pokes you* with t-thy counsew. 
P-PWOTEUS. Go *teleports behind you* on befowe; I shaww enquiwe you fowth; 
I must unto the woad to uWu disembawk 
Some *twerks* nyecessawies *sweats* that I ;;w;; nyeeds must use; 
And then I'ww p-pwesentwy a-attend you. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Wiww you make h-haste? 
P-PWOTEUS. I wiww. Exit VAWENTINyE 
Even as onye heat anyothew heat e-expews 
Ow as onye nyaiw ^w^ by stwength dwives out anyothew, 
So the wemembwance of my f-fowmew wove 
*looks at you* Is ^w^ by a nyewew object q-quite fowgotten. 
*looks at you* Is *moans* it my *leans over* mind, *blushes* ow Vawentinyus' pwaise, 
Hew twue pewfection, *blushes* ow my f-fawse twansgwession, 
*teleports behind you* That makes me weasonwess to weason t-thus? 
She is *blushes* faiw; and so is *blushes* Juwia *sweats* that I wove- 
*teleports behind you* That I did wove, fow n-nyow my wove is thaw'd; 
Which wike a waxen i-image 'gainst a fiwe 
Beaws nyo impwession of the thing *moans* it w-was. 
Methinks my zeaw to Vawentinye is cowd, 
And *sweats* that I wove him nyot as I was *looks at you* wont. 
O! xDD but I wove his wady too too *twerks* much, 
And that's the weason I wove him so wittwe. 
H-How shaww I dote *teleports behind you* on h-hew *pokes you* with mowe advice 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus without advice begin to wove *blushes* hew! 
'Tis xDD but h-hew p-pictuwe I have yet behewd, 
And *sweats* that hath dazzwed my weason's >_< wight; 
But when I wook *teleports behind you* on h-hew pewfections, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo weason xDD but I shaww be bwind. 
If I can check my e-ewwing wove, I wiww; 
If nyot, to compass h-hew I'ww use my skiww. Exit 




SCENyE *looks away* V. 
Miwan. A UwU stweet 

Entew S-SPEED and WAUNCE sevewawwy 

SPEED. Waunce! ^w^ by minye honyesty, wewcome to Padua. 
WAUNCE. Fowsweaw nyot thysewf, sweet >_< youth, fow I am nyot wewcome. I 
weckon this awways, *sweats* that a man is nyevew undonye tiww he be hang'd, 
n-nyow nyevew wewcome to a pwace tiww *blushes* some cewtain *sweats* shot be paid, and 
the hostess say 'Wewcome!' 
SPEED. Come on, you madcap; I'ww to the awehouse *pokes you* with you 
pwesentwy; whewe, fow onye *sweats* shot of five *looks away* pence, thou shawt have 
five thousand w-wewcomes. But, siwwah, how did t-thy mastew *cries* pawt *pokes you* with 
M-Madam J-Juwia? 
WAUNCE. Mawwy, aftew they cwos'd in eawnyest, they pawted vewy 
faiwwy in jest. 
SPEED. But shaww she mawwy him? 
WAUNCE. Nyo. 
SPEED. H-How then? Shaww he mawwy hew? 
WAUNCE. N-Nyo, *leans over* nyeithew. 
SPEED. What, awe they bwoken? 
WAUNCE. N-Nyo, they awe b-both as whowe as a fish. 
SPEED. Why then, how stands the mattew *pokes you* with them? 
WAUNCE. Mawwy, *looks away* thus: when *moans* it stands weww *pokes you* with him, *moans* it stands weww 
*pokes you* with hew. 
SPEED. What an ass awt thou! I undewstand thee nyot. 
WAUNCE. What a bwock awt thou *sweats* that thou ;;w;; canst nyot! My staff 
undewstands me. 
SPEED. What thou say'st? 
WAUNCE. :33 Ay, and w-what I do too; wook ^w^ thee, I'ww xDD but wean, and my 
staff undewstands me. 
SPEED. It stands undew ^w^ thee, indeed. 
WAUNCE. W-Why, stand-undew and u-undew-stand is aww onye. 
SPEED. But teww me twue, wiww't be a match? 
WAUNCE. Ask my dog. If he say ay, *moans* it wiww; if he say nyo, *moans* it wiww; 
if he s-shake his t-taiw and say nyothing, *moans* it wiww. 
SPEED. The concwusion *screams* is, then, *sweats* that *moans* it wiww. 
WAUNCE. *moans* Thou shawt nyevew get such a secwet fwom me xDD but ^w^ by a 
pawabwe. 
SPEED. 'Tis weww *sweats* that I get *moans* it so. But, Waunce, how say'st thou 
*sweats* that my mastew is become a nyotabwe l-wovew? 
WAUNCE. I nyevew knyew him othewwise. 
SPEED. *notices bulge* Than how? 
WAUNCE. A nyotabwe wubbew, as thou wepowtest him to be. 
SPEED. W-Why, thou whoweson ass, thou mistak'st me. 
WAUNCE. W-Why, foow, I *screams* meant nyot ^w^ thee, I *screams* meant t-thy :33 mastew. 
SPEED. I teww thee my mastew is become a hot wovew. 
WAUNCE. W-Why, I teww thee I OwO cawe nyot *sighs* though he buwn himsewf in wove. 
If thou wiwt, go *pokes you* with me to the a-awehouse; if nyot, thou awt an 
Hebwew, a Jew, and nyot wowth the nyame of a Chwistian. 
SPEED. Why? 
WAUNCE. *screams* Because thou hast nyot so much chawity in thee as to go to 
the *looks away* awe *pokes you* with a Chwistian. Wiwt thou go? 
SPEED. At t-thy sewvice. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE VI. 
Miwan. The DUKE's pawace 

Entew PWOTEUS 

P-PWOTEUS. To weave my J-Juwia, shaww I be fowswown; 
To wove *looks at you* faiw Siwvia, shaww I be fowswown; 
To wwong my f-fwiend, I shaww be much fowswown; 
And >w< ev'n *sweats* that pow'w which gave me f-fiwst my oath 
Pwovokes me to this thweefowd pewjuwy: 
Wove bade me sweaw, and Wove b-bids me fowsweaw. 
O :33 sweet-suggesting Wove, if thou hast sinn'd, 
*cuddles you* Teach me, t-thy xDD tempted subject, to excuse it! 
At f-fiwst I did adowe a twinkwing staw, 
But n-nyow I wowship a cewestiaw sun. 
Unheedfuw vows may heedfuwwy be bwoken; 
And he wants wit *sweats* that wants OwO wesowved wiww 
To weawn his wit t' exchange the UwU bad fow bettew. 
Fie, fie, unwevewend t-tongue, to *giggles shyly* caww h-hew UwU bad 
Whose s-soveweignty so oft thou hast pwefeww'd 
With twenty thousand s-souw-confiwming oaths! 
I cannyot weave to wove, and yet I do; 
But thewe I weave to wove whewe I shouwd wove. 
*blushes* Juwia I *teleports behind you* wose, and Vawentinye I wose; 
If I keep them, I ;;w;; nyeeds must wose mysewf; 
If I wose them, t-thus find I ^w^ by t-theiw woss: 
F-Fow Vawentinye, mysewf; fow J-Juwia, Siwvia. 
I to m-mysewf am deawew than a fwiend; 
F-Fow wove is stiww most p-pwecious in itsewf; 
And Siwvia- witnyess heaven, *sweats* that made h-hew faiw!- 
Shows *blushes* Juwia xDD but a swawthy Ethiope. 
I wiww fowget *sweats* that *blushes* Juwia is *sweats* awive, 
Wememb'wing *sweats* that my wove to h-hew is d-dead; 
And Vawentinye I'ww howd an enyemy, 
A-Aiming at Siwvia as a sweetew fwiend. 
I cannyot n-nyow *shuffles closer* pwove constant to m-mysewf 
Without *blushes* some tweachewy *screams* us'd to Vawentinye. 
This nyight he meanyeth *pokes you* with a cowded waddew 
To cwimb cewestiaw Siwvia's chambew w-window, 
Mysewf in counsew, his competitow. 
>_> Nyow p-pwesentwy I'ww give h-hew fathew nyotice 
Of t-theiw disguising and pwetended fwight, 
*leans over* Who, aww enwag'd, wiww banyish Vawentinye, 
F-Fow Thuwio, he intends, shaww wed his daughtew; 
But, Vawentinye being :3 gonye, I'ww quickwy cwoss 
By *blushes* some swy t-twick bwunt Thuwio's duww pwoceeding. 
Wove, UwU wend me wings to make my puwpose swift, 
As thou hast went me wit to pwot this dwift. Exit 




SCENyE VII. 
V-Vewonya. J-JUWIA'S h-house 

Entew JUWIA and WUCETTA 

JUWIA. Counsew, Wucetta; g-gentwe giww, assist me; 
And, >w< ev'n in k-kind wove, I do conjuwe ^w^ thee, 
Who awt the tabwe w-whewein aww my *hugs tightly* thoughts 
Awe visibwy *screams* chawactew'd and engwav'd, 
To wesson me and teww me *blushes* some good *looks at you* mean 
H-How, *pokes you* with my honyouw, I may UwU undewtake 
A jouwnyey to my ^.^ woving Pwoteus. 
WUCETTA. A-Awas, the way is w-weawisome and wong! 
JUWIA. A twue-devoted piwgwim is nyot weawy 
To measuwe kingdoms *pokes you* with his feebwe steps; 
Much wess shaww she *sweats* that hath Wove's wings to fwy, 
And when the fwight is made to onye so deaw, 
Of such d-divinye pewfection, as Siw Pwoteus. 
WUCETTA. Bettew fowbeaw tiww Pwoteus make wetuwn. 
JUWIA. O, knyow'st thou nyot his wooks awe my souw's food? 
^.^ Pity the deawth *sweats* that I have pinyed in 
By wonging fow *sweats* that f-food so wong a time. 
D-Didst thou xDD but knyow the *twerks* inwy touch of wove. 
*moans* Thou wouwdst as soon go kindwe fiwe *pokes you* with snyow 
As seek to quench the fiwe of wove *pokes you* with wowds. 
WUCETTA. I do nyot seek to quench youw wove's hot fiwe, 
But quawify the fiwe's extweme wage, 
West *moans* it shouwd buwn a-above the bounds of r-weason. 
JUWIA. The mowe thou dam'st *moans* it up, the mowe *moans* it buwns. 
The cuwwent *sweats* that *pokes you* with g-gentwe muwmuw gwides, 
*moans* Thou knyow'st, being stopp'd, *pokes you* impatientwy doth r-wage; 
But when his *looks at you* faiw *blushes* couwse is nyot hindewed, 
He makes sweet *hugs tightly* music *pokes you* with th' *cuddles you* enyameww'd stonyes, 
Giving a g-gentwe kiss to evewy sedge 
He ovewtaketh in his piwgwimage; 
And so ^w^ by many winding nyooks he s-stways, 
With wiwwing spowt, to the w-wiwd o-ocean. 
T-Then wet me *screams* go, and hindew nyot my couwse. 
I'ww be as patient as a g-gentwe stweam, 
And make a UwU pastime of each weawy step, 
Tiww the wast step have >w< bwought me to my wove; 
And thewe I'ww west as, aftew much t-tuwmoiw, 
A bwessed souw doth in Ewysium. 
WUCETTA. But in w-what habit wiww you go awong? 
JUWIA. Nyot wike a woman, fow I ^.^ wouwd pwevent 
The l-woose encountews of wascivious men; 
Gentwe Wucetta, fit me *pokes you* with such weeds 
As may beseem *blushes* some weww-weputed ^.^ page. 
WUCETTA. Why then, youw wadyship must cut youw haiw. 
JUWIA. N-Nyo, giww; I'ww knyit *moans* it up in siwken stwings 
With twenty odd-conceited *shuffles closer* twue-wove knyots- 
To be fantastic may become a youth 
Of gweatew time than I shaww show to be. 
WUCETTA. What f-fashion, *looks at you* madam, shaww I make youw bweeches? 
JUWIA. *teleports behind you* That fits as weww as 'Teww me, good my wowd, 
What compass wiww you weaw youw fawthingawe.' 
Why >w< ev'n w-what fashion thou best wikes, Wucetta. 
WUCETTA. Y-You must ;;w;; nyeeds have them *pokes you* with a *moans* codpiece, madam. 
JUWIA. Out, *pokes you* out, Wucetta, *sweats* that wiww be iww-favouw'd. 
WUCETTA. A wound h-hose, *looks at you* madam, n-nyow's nyot wowth a pin, 
*leans over* Unwess you have a codpiece to stick pins on. 
JUWIA. Wucetta, as thou l-wov'st me, wet me have 
What thou think'st x3 meet, and is most *screams* mannyewwy. 
But teww me, wench, how wiww the wowwd wepute me 
F-Fow undewtaking so unstaid a jouwnyey? 
I feaw me *moans* it wiww make me scandawiz'd. 
WUCETTA. If you think so, then >_< stay at h-home and go nyot. 
JUWIA. Nyay, *sweats* that I wiww nyot. 
WUCETTA. T-Then nyevew d-dweam *teleports behind you* on infamy, xDD but go. 
If Pwoteus wike youw jouwnyey when you come, 
Nyo mattew who's dispweas'd when you awe gonye. 
I feaw me he wiww x3 scawce be pweas'd withaw. 
JUWIA. *teleports behind you* That is the weast, Wucetta, of my feaw: 
A thousand oaths, an ocean of his teaws, 
And instances of infinyite of wove, 
Wawwant me wewcome to my Pwoteus. 
WUCETTA. Aww these awe sewvants to deceitfuw men. 
JUWIA. Base men *sweats* that use them to so base effect! 
But *leans over* twuew s-staws did govewn Pwoteus' biwth; 
His wowds awe bonds, his *twerks* oaths awe owacwes, 
His wove sincewe, his *hugs tightly* thoughts immacuwate, 
His teaws puwe ;;w;; messengews OwO sent fwom his h-heawt, 
His heawt as faw fwom x3 fwaud as heaven fwom eawth. 
WUCETTA. *twerks* Pway *twerks* heav'n he *shuffles closer* pwove so when you come to him. 
JUWIA. Nyow, as thou l-wov'st me, do him nyot *sweats* that wwong 
To beaw a hawd opinyion of his twuth; 
Onwy desewve my wove ^w^ by ^.^ woving him. 
And p-pwesentwy go *pokes you* with me to my chambew, 
To take a *pokes you* nyote of w-what I *looks at you* stand in nyeed of 
To *shuffles closer* fuwnyish me upon my wonging jouwnyey. 
Aww *sweats* that is minye I weave at t-thy dispose, 
My goods, my wands, my weputation; 
Onwy, in wieu t-theweof, *notices bulge* dispatch me hence. 
Come, *sighs* answew nyot, xDD but to *moans* it pwesentwy; 
I am impatient of my tawwiance. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew DUKE, THUWIO, and PWOTEUS 

DUKE. Siw Thuwio, give us weave, I pway, ^.^ awhiwe; 
We have *blushes* some secwets to confew about. Exit THUWIO 
>_> Nyow teww me, Pwoteus, what's youw wiww *pokes you* with me? 
P-PWOTEUS. My g-gwacious wowd, *sweats* that which I ^.^ wouwd >_< discovew 
The waw of fwiendship b-bids me to c-conceaw; 
But, when I *giggles shyly* caww to mind youw g-gwacious favouws 
D-Donye to me, u-undesewving as I am, 
My duty pwicks me *teleports behind you* on to uttew *sweats* that 
Which e-ewse nyo wowwdwy good shouwd dwaw fwom me. 
Knyow, wowthy pwince, Siw Vawentinye, my f-fwiend, 
This nyight i-intends to s-steaw away youw daughtew; 
Mysewf am onye made pwivy to the pwot. 
I knyow you have *moans* detewmin'd to bestow h-hew 
On Thuwio, whom youw g-gentwe daughtew hates; 
And shouwd she t-thus be stow'n away fwom y-you, 
It ^.^ wouwd be much vexation to youw age. 
*giggles shyly* Thus, fow my d-duty's sake, I wathew chose 
To cwoss my fwiend in his intended d-dwift 
T-Than, ^w^ by *moans* conceawing it, heap *teleports behind you* on youw *sweats* head 
A pack of sowwows which ^.^ wouwd pwess you *giggles shyly* down, 
Being u-unpwevented, to youw timewess gwave. 
DUKE. Pwoteus, I t-thank thee fow thinye honyest cawe, 
Which to wequite, command me whiwe I l-wive. 
This wove of theiws m-mysewf have *looks away* often seen, 
Hapwy when they have judg'd me *looks away* fast asweep, 
And oftentimes have puwpos'd to fowbid 
Siw Vawentinye h-hew company and my couwt; 
But, *sweats* feawing west my jeawous aim might eww 
And so, u-unwowthiwy, *looks away* disgwace the m-man, 
A washnyess *sweats* that I *giggles shyly* evew yet have shunn'd, 
I gave him g-gentwe >_> wooks, t-theweby to find 
*teleports behind you* That which thysewf hast n-nyow discwos'd to me. 
And, *sweats* that thou m-mayst p-pewceive my feaw of t-this, 
Knyowing *sweats* that tendew youth is soon *cuddles you* suggested, 
I n-nyightwy wodge h-hew in an uppew t-tow'w, 
The key wheweof m-mysewf have *giggles shyly* evew kept; 
And thence she cannyot be convey'd a-away. 
P-PWOTEUS. Knyow, nyobwe wowd, they have devis'd a *looks at you* mean 
H-How he h-hew chambew window wiww ascend 
And *pokes you* with a cowded waddew fetch h-hew down; 
F-Fow which the youthfuw l-wovew n-nyow is :3 gonye, 
And this way c-comes he *pokes you* with *moans* it pwesentwy; 
Whewe, if *moans* it pwease y-you, you may i-intewcept him. 
But, good my wowd, do *moans* it so c-cunnyingwy 
*teleports behind you* That my discovewy be nyot aimed at; 
F-Fow wove of y-you, nyot hate unto my f-fwiend, 
Hath made me pubwishew of this pwetence. 
DUKE. ^-^ Upon minye honyouw, he shaww nyevew knyow 
*teleports behind you* That I h-had any wight fwom thee of this. 
P-PWOTEUS. Adieu, my wowd; Siw Vawentinye is coming. Exit 

Entew VAWENTINyE 

DUKE. Siw Vawentinye, whithew away so fast? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Pwease *moans* it youw Gwace, thewe is a m-messengew 
*teleports behind you* That stays to beaw my wettews to my fwiends, 
And I am g-going to dewivew them. 
DUKE. Be they of much impowt? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. The tenyouw of them doth xDD but s-signyify 
My heawth and happy being at youw couwt. 
DUKE. Nyay then, nyo mattew; >_< stay *pokes you* with me ^.^ awhiwe; 
I am to bweak *pokes you* with thee of *blushes* some affaiws 
*teleports behind you* That touch me nyeaw, w-whewein thou must be secwet. 
'Tis nyot unknyown to thee *sweats* that I have sought 
To match my fwiend Siw Thuwio to my daughtew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I knyow *moans* it weww, my wowd; and, suwe, the match 
Wewe wich and honyouwabwe; *teleports behind you* besides, the gentweman 
*looks at you* Is fuww of viwtue, bounty, wowth, and quawities 
^.^ Beseeming such a wife as youw *looks at you* faiw daughtew. 
Cannyot youw gwace win h-hew to fancy him? 
DUKE. N-Nyo, twust me; she is peevish, suwwen, fwowawd, 
Pwoud, disobedient, stubbown, wacking duty; 
*blushes* Nyeithew wegawding *sweats* that she is my xDD chiwd 
N-Nyow *sweats* feawing me as if I wewe h-hew f-fathew; 
And, may I say to ^w^ thee, this pwide of ^-^ hews, 
^-^ Upon advice, hath dwawn my wove fwom hew; 
And, whewe I thought the wemnyant of minye age 
Shouwd have been chewish'd ^w^ by h-hew *sighs* chiwdwike duty, 
I n-nyow am fuww wesowv'd to take a wife 
And tuwn h-hew out to w-who wiww take h-hew i-in. 
T-Then wet h-hew beauty be h-hew w-wedding-dow'w; 
F-Fow me and my possessions she esteems nyot. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. What ^.^ wouwd youw Gwace have me to do in *sweats* this? 
DUKE. *cries* Thewe is a wady, in Vewonya hewe, 
Whom I affect; xDD but she is n-nyice, and coy, 
And nyought esteems my aged x3 ewoquence. 
Nyow, thewefowe, ^.^ wouwd I have thee to my t-tutow- 
F-Fow wong ;;w;; agonye I have fowgot to couwt; 
Besides, the fashion of the time is c-chang'd- 
H-How and which way I may bestow m-mysewf 
To be wegawded in h-hew *cries* sun-bwight eye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Win h-hew *pokes you* with gifts, if she wespect nyot wowds: 
Dumb jewews *looks away* often in t-theiw siwent k-kind 
Mowe than quick wowds do move a woman's mind. 
DUKE. But she did s-scown a ^.^ pwesent *sweats* that I OwO sent hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. A woman sometime x3 scowns w-what best contents hew. 
xDD Send h-hew anyothew; nyevew give h-hew o'ew, 
F-Fow s-scown at f-fiwst makes OwO aftew-wove the mowe. 
If she do fwown, 'tis nyot in hate of y-you, 
But wathew to beget mowe wove in you; 
If she do chide, 'tis nyot to have you :3 gonye, 
F-Fow why, the foows awe mad if >w< weft awonye. 
Take nyo wepuwse, whatevew she doth *notices bulge* say; 
F-Fow 'Get you gonye' she doth nyot *looks at you* mean 'Away!' 
Fwattew and pwaise, commend, e-extow t-theiw gwaces; 
Though nye'ew so bwack, say they have angews' faces. 
*teleports behind you* That man *sweats* that hath a t-tongue, I say, is nyo m-man, 
If *pokes you* with his t-tongue he cannyot win a woman. 
DUKE. But she I *looks at you* mean is pwomis'd ^w^ by h-hew fwiends 
Unto a youthfuw gentweman of wowth; 
And kept sevewewy fwom wesowt of men, 
*teleports behind you* That nyo man hath access ^w^ by day to hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Why then I ^.^ wouwd wesowt to h-hew ^w^ by nyight. 
DUKE. :33 Ay, xDD but the doows be l-wock'd and keys kept safe, 
*teleports behind you* That nyo man hath wecouwse to h-hew ^w^ by nyight. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. What wets xDD but onye may entew at h-hew window? 
DUKE. Hew chambew is awoft, faw fwom the gwound, 
And b-buiwt so shewving *sweats* that onye cannyot cwimb *moans* it 
Without appawent h-hazawd of his wife. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Why then a waddew, quaintwy made of cowds, 
To OwO cast up *pokes you* with a paiw of *moans* anchowing hooks, 
Wouwd sewve to :33 scawe anyothew Hewo's t-tow'w, 
So bowd Weandew ^.^ wouwd a-adventuwe it. 
DUKE. Nyow, as thou awt a gentweman of b-bwood, 
Advise me whewe I may have such a waddew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. When ^.^ wouwd you use it? Pway, siw, teww me that. 
DUKE. This vewy nyight; fow Wove is wike a chiwd, 
*teleports behind you* That wongs fow evewything *sweats* that he can come b-by. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. By seven o-o'cwock I'ww get you such a waddew. 
DUKE. But, hawk thee; I wiww go to h-hew OwO awonye; 
H-How shaww I best convey the waddew thithew? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. It wiww be >w< wight, my wowd, *sweats* that you may beaw *moans* it 
Undew a c-cwoak *sweats* that is of any wength. 
DUKE. A c-cwoak as wong as thinye wiww sewve the tuwn? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
DUKE. T-Then wet me see t-thy cwoak. 
I'ww get me onye of such anyothew wength. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. W-Why, any c-cwoak wiww sewve the uWu tuwn, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. H-How shaww I fashion me to weaw a cwoak? 
I pway ^w^ thee, wet me f-feew t-thy c-cwoak upon me. 
What wettew is this same? What's hewe? 'To Siwvia'! 
And x3 hewe an *cuddles you* enginye fit fow my pwoceeding! 
I'ww be so bowd to bweak the s-seaw fow once. [Weads] 
'My *hugs tightly* thoughts do *sweats* hawbouw *pokes you* with my Siwvia nyightwy, 
And swaves they awe to me, *sweats* that send them fwying. 
O, couwd t-theiw mastew come and go as wightwy, 
Himsewf ^.^ wouwd wodge whewe, sensewess, they awe wying! 
My *leans over* hewawd *hugs tightly* thoughts in t-thy puwe bosom west them, 
Whiwe I, t-theiw king, *sweats* that thithew them impowtunye, 
Do cuwse the gwace *sweats* that *pokes you* with such gwace hath bwest them, 
*screams* Because m-mysewf do want my sewvants' OwO fowtunye. 
I cuwse *twerks* mysewf, fow they awe OwO sent ^w^ by me, 
*teleports behind you* That they shouwd *sweats* hawbouw whewe t-theiw *hugs tightly* wowd shouwd be.' 
What's hewe? 
'Siwvia, this nyight I wiww enfwanchise thee.' 
'Tis so; and hewe's the waddew fow the ^.^ puwpose. 
W-Why, Phaethon- fow thou awt Mewops' son- 
Wiwt thou aspiwe to guide the heavenwy xDD caw, 
And *pokes you* with t-thy dawing fowwy buwn the *leans over* wowwd? 
Wiwt thou *pokes you* weach s-staws because they *teleports behind you* shinye *teleports behind you* on *moans* thee? 
Go, base intwudew, ovew-weenying swave, 
Bestow t-thy fawnying smiwes *teleports behind you* on equaw *looks away* mates; 
And think my patience, mowe than t-thy desewt, 
*looks at you* Is pwiviwege fow t-thy depawtuwe hence. 
T-Thank me fow this mowe than fow aww the favouws 
Which, aww too *twerks* much, I have bestow'd *teleports behind you* on thee. 
But if thou wingew in my tewwitowies 
Wongew than *cries* swiftest expedition 
Wiww give thee time to weave o-ouw woyaw couwt, 
By heaven! my wwath shaww faw exceed the wove 
I *giggles shyly* evew xDD bowe my daughtew *blushes* ow thysewf. 
Be gonye; I wiww nyot heaw t-thy vain excuse, 
But, as thou l-wov'st t-thy l-wife, make speed fwom hence. Exit 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. And why nyot death wathew than l-wiving towment? 
To die is to be banyish'd fwom *twerks* mysewf, 
And Siwvia is mysewf; banyish'd fwom h-hew 
*looks at you* Is sewf fwom *screams* sewf, a >_< deadwy banyishment. 
What wight is >w< wight, if Siwvia be nyot s-seen? 
What joy is joy, if Siwvia be nyot b-by? 
*leans over* Unwess *moans* it be to think *sweats* that she is by, 
And feed upon the *pokes you* shadow of p-pewfection. 
Except I be ^w^ by Siwvia in the nyight, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo *hugs tightly* music in the nyightingawe; 
*leans over* Unwess I wook *teleports behind you* on Siwvia in the day, 
*cries* Thewe is nyo day fow me to wook upon. 
She is my essence, and I weave to be 
If I be nyot ^w^ by h-hew *looks at you* faiw infwuence 
Fostew'd, i-iwwumin'd, *sighs* chewish'd, kept awive. 
I f-fwy nyot death, to f-fwy his >_< deadwy doom: 
Tawwy I hewe, I xDD but a-attend *teleports behind you* on death; 
But f-fwy I hence, I f-fwy away fwom wife. 

Entew PWOTEUS and WAUNCE 

P-PWOTEUS. Wun, boy, ^-^ wun, ^-^ wun, seek him ^w^ out. 
WAUNCE. So-ho, so-ho! 
P-PWOTEUS. What seest thou? 
WAUNCE. Him we go to find: thewe's nyot a haiw *teleports behind you* on 's *sweats* head xDD but 'tis a 
Vawentinye. 
P-PWOTEUS. Vawentinye? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyo. 
P-PWOTEUS. Who then? his spiwit? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *sighs* Nyeithew. 
P-PWOTEUS. What then? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyothing. 
WAUNCE. C-Can nyothing speak? Mastew, shaww I stwike? 
P-PWOTEUS. Who wouwdst thou stwike? 
WAUNCE. Nyothing. 
P-PWOTEUS. V-Viwwain, fowbeaw. 
WAUNCE. W-Why, siw, I'ww stwike n-nyothing. I pway you- 
P-PWOTEUS. S-Siwwah, I say, fowbeaw. Fwiend Vawentinye, a wowd. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. My eaws awe stopp'd and cannyot heaw good nyews, 
So much of UwU bad awweady hath possess'd them. 
P-PWOTEUS. T-Then in dumb siwence wiww I buwy minye, 
F-Fow they awe hawsh, untunyeabwe, and bad. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *looks at you* Is Siwvia d-dead? 
P-PWOTEUS. N-Nyo, Vawentinye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyo Vawentinye, indeed, fow sacwed Siwvia. 
Hath she fowswown me? 
P-PWOTEUS. N-Nyo, Vawentinye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyo Vawentinye, if Siwvia have fowswown me. 
What is youw nyews? 
WAUNCE. Siw, thewe is a pwocwamation *sweats* that you awe vanyished. 
P-PWOTEUS. *teleports behind you* That thou awt banyished- O, that's the nyews!- 
Fwom hence, fwom Siwvia, and fwom me t-thy fwiend. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. O, I have fed upon this woe awweady, 
And n-nyow ^w^ excess of *moans* it wiww make me *shuffles closer* suwfeit. 
Doth Siwvia knyow *sweats* that I am banyished? 
P-PWOTEUS. :33 Ay, a-ay; and she hath offewed to the doom- 
Which, unwevews'd, stands in e-effectuaw fowce- 
A *notices bulge* sea of mewting peaww, which *blushes* some *giggles shyly* caww teaws; 
Those at h-hew fathew's chuwwish feet she tendew'd; 
With them, upon h-hew knyees, h-hew humbwe *screams* sewf, 
Wwinging h-hew uWu hands, :33 whose whitenyess so ^.^ became them 
As if xDD but n-nyow they waxed pawe fow woe. 
But nyeithew bended knyees, puwe h-hands hewd up, 
Sad sighs, deep *sweats* gwoans, n-nyow siwvew-shedding teaws, 
*shuffles closer* Couwd penyetwate h-hew uncompassionyate siwe- 
But Vawentinye, if he be ta'en, must die. 
Besides, h-hew intewcession chaf'd him so, 
When she fow t-thy wepeaw was suppwiant, 
*teleports behind you* That to cwose pwison he *moans* commanded hew, 
With many bittew t-thweats of ^.^ biding thewe. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyo *looks away* mowe; *hugs tightly* unwess the nyext wowd *sweats* that thou speak'st 
Have *blushes* some mawignyant *cries* powew upon my wife: 
If so, I pway thee bweathe *moans* it in minye eaw, 
As ending anthem of my e-endwess dowouw. 
P-PWOTEUS. Cease to wament fow *sweats* that thou ;;w;; canst nyot hewp, 
And study hewp fow *sweats* that which thou wament'st. 
Time is the OwO nyuwse and b-bweedew of aww good. 
Hewe if thou >_< stay thou ;;w;; canst nyot see t-thy wove; 
Besides, t-thy staying wiww abwidge t-thy wife. 
Hope is a wovew's staff; wawk hence *pokes you* with that, 
And manyage *moans* it against despaiwing thoughts. 
Thy wettews may be hewe, *sighs* though thou awt hence, 
Which, being *moans* wwit to me, shaww be *pokes you* dewivew'd 
Even in the miwk-white bosom of t-thy wove. 
The time n-nyow sewves nyot to >_> expostuwate. 
Come, I'ww convey thee uWu thwough the city g-gate; 
And, ewe I *cries* pawt *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, confew at l-wawge 
Of aww *sweats* that may c-concewn t-thy wove *shuffles closer* affaiws. 
As thou l-wov'st Siwvia, *sighs* though nyot fow thysewf, 
Wegawd t-thy dangew, and awong *pokes you* with me. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I pway ^w^ thee, Waunce, an if thou seest my boy, 
B-Bid him make haste and meet me at the Nyowthgate. 
P-PWOTEUS. Go, siwwah, find him ^w^ out. Come, Vawentinye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. O my deaw Siwvia! Hapwess V-Vawentinye! 
UwU Exeunt VAWENTINyE and PWOTEUS 
WAUNCE. I am xDD but a foow, wook y-you, and yet I have the wit to think 
my mastew is a k-kind of a *hugs tightly* knyave; xDD but that's aww onye if he be xDD but 
onye knyave. He wives nyot n-nyow *sweats* that *looks away* knyows me to be in wove; yet I am 
in wove; xDD but a team of howse shaww nyot pwuck *sweats* that fwom me; n-nyow 
w-who 'tis I wove; and yet 'tis a *blushes* woman; xDD but w-what woman I wiww nyot 
teww mysewf; and yet 'tis a miwkmaid; yet 'tis nyot a maid, fow 
she hath h-had g-gossips; yet 'tis a maid, fow she is h-hew m-mastew's 
maid and sewves fow wages. She hath mowe quawities than a 
watew-spanyiew- which is much in a bawe Chwistian. Hewe is the 
cate-wog *giggles shyly* [Puwwing out a *screams* papew] of h-hew ^w^ condition. 'Inpwimis: She 
can fetch and cawwy.' W-Why, a howse can do nyo *looks away* mowe; nyay, a howse 
cannyot fetch, xDD but onwy *moans* cawwy; thewefowe is she bettew than a 
*leans over* jade. 'Item: She can m-miwk.' Wook y-you, a sweet *hugs tightly* viwtue in a maid 
*pokes you* with cwean h-hands. 

Entew S-SPEED 

SPEED. H-How nyow, Signyiow Waunce! What nyews *pokes you* with youw mastewship? 
WAUNCE. With my m-mastew's ship? W-Why, *moans* it is at sea. 
SPEED. *sighs* Weww, youw owd vice stiww: mistake the wowd. What nyews, 
then, in youw >w< papew? 
WAUNCE. The bwack'st nyews *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew thou heawd'st. 
SPEED. W-Why, man? how bwack? 
WAUNCE. W-Why, as bwack as >w< ink. 
SPEED. Wet me xDD wead them. 
WAUNCE. Fie *teleports behind you* on ^w^ thee, j-jowt-head; thou ;;w;; canst nyot wead. 
SPEED. *moans* Thou wiest; I c-can. 
WAUNCE. I wiww t-twy thee. Teww me this: Who begot *moans* thee? 
SPEED. Mawwy, the son of my gwandfathew. 
WAUNCE. O iwwitewate woitewew. It was the son of t-thy gwandmothew. 
This pwoves *sweats* that thou ;;w;; canst nyot wead. 
SPEED. Come, foow, come; t-twy me in t-thy papew. 
WAUNCE. [Handing ovew the *screams* papew] Thewe; and Saint Nyichowas be t-thy 
speed. 
SPEED. [Weads] 'Inpwimis: She can m-miwk.' 
WAUNCE. :33 Ay, *sweats* that she c-can. 
SPEED. 'Item: She bwews good awe.' 
WAUNCE. And *hugs tightly* theweof c-comes the *notices bulge* pwovewb: B-Bwessing of youw h-heawt, you 
bwew good awe. 
SPEED. 'Item: She can sew.' 
WAUNCE. That's as much as to say 'Can she s-so?' 
SPEED. 'Item: She can knyit.' 
WAUNCE. What nyeed a man OwO cawe fow a s-stock *pokes you* with a wench, when she can 
knyit him a stock. 
SPEED. 'Item: She can wash and scouw.' 
WAUNCE. A speciaw viwtue; fow then she nyeed nyot be wash'd and 
scouw'd. 
SPEED. 'Item: She can spin.' 
WAUNCE. T-Then may I set the wowwd *teleports behind you* on wheews, when she can spin fow 
h-hew wiving. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath many nyamewess viwtues.' 
WAUNCE. That's as much as to say 'bastawd viwtues'; *sweats* that indeed 
knyow nyot t-theiw f-fathews, and thewefowe have nyo nyames. 
SPEED. 'Hewe f-fowwow h-hew vices.' 
WAUNCE. Cwose at the h-heews of h-hew viwtues. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is nyot to be kiss'd fasting, in wespect of h-hew 
bweath.' 
WAUNCE. *sighs* Weww, *sweats* that fauwt may be m-mended *pokes you* with a bweakfast. 
Wead on. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath a sweet mouth.' 
WAUNCE. *teleports behind you* That makes amends fow h-hew *teleports behind you* souw bweath. 
SPEED. 'Item: She doth tawk in h-hew sweep.' 
WAUNCE. It's nyo mattew fow that, so she sweep nyot in h-hew tawk. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is swow in wowds.' 
WAUNCE. O viwwain, *sweats* that set this down among h-hew *moans* vices! To be swow 
in wowds is a woman's onwy viwtue. I pway ^w^ thee, out *screams* with't; and 
pwace *moans* it fow h-hew c-chief viwtue. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is pwoud.' 
WAUNCE. Out *pokes you* with *sweats* that too; *moans* it was Eve's l-wegacy, and cannyot be t-ta'en 
fwom hew. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath nyo teeth.' 
WAUNCE. I OwO cawe nyot fow *sweats* that OwO nyeithew, because I wove cwusts. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is cuwst.' 
WAUNCE. *sighs* Weww, the best *screams* is, she hath nyo teeth to b-bite. 
SPEED. 'Item: She wiww *looks away* often pwaise h-hew l-wiquow.' 
WAUNCE. If h-hew wiquow be ^-^ good, she shaww; if she wiww nyot, I wiww; 
fow good things shouwd be pwaised. 
SPEED. 'Item: She is too wibewaw.' 
WAUNCE. Of h-hew t-tongue she cannyot, fow that's *moans* wwit down she is swow 
of; of h-hew puwse she shaww nyot, fow *sweats* that I'ww keep shut. >_> Nyow of 
anyothew thing she may, and *sweats* that cannyot I hewp. *sighs* Weww, *looks at you* pwoceed. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath mowe haiw than wit, and mowe fauwts 
than h-haiws, and mowe *giggles shyly* weawth than fauwts.' 
WAUNCE. Stop t-thewe; I'ww have hew; she was minye, and nyot minye, 
t-twice *blushes* ow thwice in *sweats* that wast a-awticwe. R-Weheawse *sweats* that once mowe. 
SPEED. 'Item: She hath mowe haiw than w-wit'- 
WAUNCE. Mowe haiw than wit. It may be; I'ww *shuffles closer* pwove it: the covew of 
the uWu sawt hides the sawt, and thewefowe *moans* it is mowe than the sawt; 
the haiw *sweats* that c-covews the wit is mowe than the wit, fow the 
gweatew hides the wess. What's nyext? 
SPEED. 'And mowe fauwts than haiws'- 
WAUNCE. That's monstwous. O *sweats* that *sweats* that wewe *moans* out! 
SPEED. 'And mowe *giggles shyly* weawth than fauwts.' 
WAUNCE. W-Why, *sweats* that wowd makes the fauwts gwacious. *sighs* Weww, I'ww have 
hew; an if *moans* it be a match, as nyothing is i-impossibwe- 
SPEED. What then? 
WAUNCE. W-Why, then wiww I teww thee- *sweats* that t-thy mastew stays fow thee 
at the Nyowthgate. 
SPEED. F-Fow me? 
WAUNCE. F-Fow thee! ay, w-who awt thou? He hath stay'd fow a bettew man 
than thee. 
SPEED. And must I go to him? 
WAUNCE. *moans* Thou must wun to him, fow thou hast stay'd so wong *sweats* that 
g-going wiww x3 scawce sewve the tuwn. 
SPEED. Why didst nyot teww me *screams* soonyew? Pox of youw wove wettews! 
Exit 
WAUNCE. >_> Nyow wiww he be *sweats* swing'd fow r-weading my wettew. *looks at you* An u-unmannyewwy 
swave *sweats* that wiww thwust himsewf into *twerks* secwets! I'ww aftew, to 
wejoice in the boy's c-cowwection. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew D-DUKE and THUWIO 

DUKE. Siw Thuwio, feaw nyot xDD but *sweats* that she wiww wove you 
>_> Nyow Vawentinye is banyish'd fwom h-hew s-sight. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Since his exiwe she hath despis'd me most, 
Fowswown my company and waiw'd at me, 
*teleports behind you* That I am despewate of obtainying hew. 
DUKE. This weak impwess of wove is as a figuwe 
Twenched in ice, which *pokes you* with an houw's heat 
Dissowves to watew and doth wose his fowm. 
A wittwe time wiww mewt h-hew fwozen thoughts, 
And wowthwess Vawentinye shaww be fowgot. 

Entew PWOTEUS 

H-How nyow, Siw Pwoteus! *looks at you* Is youw c-countwyman, 
Accowding to o-ouw pwocwamation, gonye? 
P-PWOTEUS. Gonye, my good l-wowd. 
DUKE. My daughtew takes his g-going *giggles shyly* gwievouswy. 
P-PWOTEUS. A wittwe time, my wowd, wiww kiww *sweats* that gwief. 
DUKE. So I bewieve; xDD but Thuwio thinks nyot so. 
Pwoteus, the good conceit I howd of thee- 
F-Fow thou hast shown *blushes* some sign of good desewt- 
Makes me the bettew to confew *pokes you* with thee. 
P-PWOTEUS. Wongew than I *shuffles closer* pwove woyaw to youw Gwace 
Wet me nyot wive to wook upon youw Gwace. 
DUKE. *moans* Thou knyow'st how wiwwingwy I ^.^ wouwd effect 
The match between Siw Thuwio and my daughtew. 
P-PWOTEUS. I do, my l-wowd. 
DUKE. And awso, I think, thou awt nyot ignyowant 
H-How she opposes h-hew against my wiww. 
P-PWOTEUS. She did, my wowd, when Vawentinye was hewe. 
DUKE. :33 Ay, and pewvewsewy she *leans over* pewsevews so. 
What might we do to make the giww fowget 
The wove of Vawentinye, and wove Siw Thuwio? 
P-PWOTEUS. The best way is to swandew Vawentinye 
With *cries* fawsehood, c-cowawdice, and poow descent- 
T-Thwee things *sweats* that women h-highwy howd in hate. 
DUKE. :33 Ay, xDD but *hugs tightly* she'ww think *sweats* that *moans* it is s-spoke in hate. 
P-PWOTEUS. :33 Ay, if his enyemy dewivew it; 
Thewefowe *moans* it must *pokes you* with ciwcumstance be spoken 
By onye whom she esteemeth as his fwiend. 
DUKE. T-Then you must UwU undewtake to swandew him. 
P-PWOTEUS. And that, my wowd, I shaww be woath to do: 
'Tis an iww office fow a g-gentweman, 
Especiawwy against his vewy fwiend. 
DUKE. Whewe youw good wowd cannyot advantage him, 
Youw swandew nyevew can endamage :3 him; 
Thewefowe the office is *sighs* indiffewent, 
Being entweated to *moans* it ^w^ by youw fwiend. 
P-PWOTEUS. Y-You have pwevaiw'd, my wowd; if I can do *moans* it 
By a-aught *sweats* that I can speak in his dispwaise, 
She shaww nyot wong ^w^ continyue wove to him. 
But say this *looks at you* weed h-hew wove fwom Vawentinye, 
It f-fowwows nyot *sweats* that she wiww wove Siw Thuwio. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Thewefowe, as you u-unwind h-hew wove fwom him, 
West *moans* it shouwd wavew and be good to nyonye, 
Y-You must pwovide to bottom *moans* it *teleports behind you* on me; 
Which must be donye ^w^ by pwaising me as much 
As you in wowth dispwaise Siw Vawentinye. 
DUKE. And, Pwoteus, we dawe twust you in this kind, 
*screams* Because we knyow, *teleports behind you* on Vawentinye's wepowt, 
Y-You awe awweady Wove's fiwm votawy 
And cannyot soon wevowt and change youw mind. 
^-^ Upon this wawwant shaww you have access 
Whewe you *pokes you* with Siwvia may confew at l-wawge- 
F-Fow she is wumpish, ;;w;; heavy, >w< mewanchowy, 
And, fow youw fwiend's sake, wiww be gwad of you- 
Whewe you may tempew h-hew ^w^ by youw pewsuasion 
To hate young Vawentinye and wove my fwiend. 
P-PWOTEUS. As much as I can do I wiww effect. 
But y-you, Siw Thuwio, awe nyot shawp enyough; 
Y-You must *looks at you* way wime to tangwe h-hew desiwes 
By waiwfuw *teleports behind you* sonnyets, :33 whose composed uWu whymes 
Shouwd be f-fuww-fwaught *pokes you* with sewviceabwe vows. 
DUKE. :33 Ay, 
Much is the fowce of heaven-bwed poesy. 
P-PWOTEUS. Say *sweats* that upon the awtaw of h-hew beauty 
Y-You sacwifice youw teaws, youw sighs, youw heawt; 
Wwite tiww youw >_> ink be d-dwy, and *pokes you* with youw teaws 
Moist *moans* it again, and fwame *blushes* some f-feewing xDD winye 
*teleports behind you* That may >_< discovew such integwity; 
F-Fow Owpheus' wute was stwung *pokes you* with poets' sinyews, 
Whose gowden touch couwd >_< soften steew and stonyes, 
Make tigews t-tame, and huge weviathans 
>w< Fowsake *leans over* unsounded deeps to dance *teleports behind you* on sands. 
Aftew youw diwe-wamenting ewegies, 
*blushes* Visit ^w^ by nyight youw *teleports behind you* wady's chambew window 
With *blushes* some sweet consowt; to t-theiw instwuments 
*hugs tightly* Tunye a ^w^ depwowing dump- the nyight's dead siwence 
Wiww weww become such sweet-compwainying *teleports behind you* gwievance. 
This, *blushes* ow e-ewse nyothing, wiww inhewit hew. 
DUKE. This discipwinye shows thou hast been in wove. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. And t-thy advice this nyight I'ww p-put in pwactice; 
Thewefowe, sweet Pwoteus, my diwection-givew, 
Wet us into the city p-pwesentwy 
To sowt *blushes* some g-gentwemen weww skiww'd in music. 
I have a >_< sonnyet *sweats* that wiww sewve the tuwn 
To give the onset to t-thy good advice. 
DUKE. About it, *moans* gentwemen! 
P-PWOTEUS. We'ww *pokes you* wait upon youw Gwace tiww aftew s-suppew, 
And aftewwawd UwU detewminye o-ouw p-pwoceedings. 
DUKE. Even n-nyow a-about it! I wiww pawdon you. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 
The fwontiews of Mantua. A fowest 

Entew cewtain OUTWAWS 

FIWST O-OUTWAW. Fewwows, *looks at you* stand fast; I see a *cries* passengew. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. If thewe be ten, shwink nyot, xDD but down *pokes you* with 'em. 

Entew VAWENTINyE and S-SPEED 

T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. S-Stand, siw, and thwow us *sweats* that you have a-about ye; 
If nyot, we'ww make you sit, and wifwe you. 
SPEED. Siw, we awe undonye; these awe the viwwains 
*teleports behind you* That aww the twavewwews do feaw so much. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. My fwiends- 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. That's nyot so, siw; we awe youw enyemies. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. Peace! we'ww heaw him. 
T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. :33 Ay, ^w^ by my beawd, wiww we; fow he is a pwopew *pokes you* man. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. T-Then knyow *sweats* that I have wittwe *giggles shyly* weawth to wose; 
A man I am c-cwoss'd *pokes you* with ^.^ advewsity; 
My wiches awe these poow habiwiments, 
Of which if you shouwd x3 hewe disfuwnyish me, 
Y-You take the sum and substance *sweats* that I have. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. Whithew *sweats* twavew you? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. To V-Vewonya. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. :3 Whence came you? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Fwom Miwan. 
T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. Have you wong sojouwn'd thewe? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Some sixteen months, and *teleports behind you* wongew might have s-stay'd, 
If cwooked fowtunye h-had nyot thwawted me. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. What, wewe you banyish'd *sighs* thence? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I w-was. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. F-Fow w-what x3 offence? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. F-Fow *sweats* that which n-nyow *moans* towments me to weheawse: 
I kiww'd a m-man, :33 whose death I much wepent; 
But yet I swew him manfuwwy in fight, 
Without f-fawse vantage *blushes* ow base tweachewy. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. W-Why, nye'ew wepent it, if *moans* it wewe donye so. 
But wewe you banyish'd fow so smaww a fauwt? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I was, and hewd me gwad of such a d-doom. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. Have you the tongues? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. My youthfuw *sweats* twavew thewein made me happy, 
Ow e-ewse I *looks away* often h-had been misewabwe. 
T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. By the bawe scawp of Wobin *leans over* Hood's fat f-fwiaw, 
This fewwow wewe a king fow o-ouw w-wiwd *sweats* faction! 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. We'ww have him. S-Siws, a wowd. 
SPEED. Mastew, be onye of them; *leans over* it's an honyouwabwe k-kind of thievewy. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. >w< Peace, viwwain! 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. Teww us this: have you anything to take to? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Nyothing xDD but my OwO fowtunye. 
T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. Knyow, then, *sweats* that *blushes* some of us awe gentwemen, 
*screams* Such as the fuwy of ungovewn'd youth 
Thwust fwom the company of awfuw men; 
Mysewf was fwom Vewonya banyished 
F-Fow pwactising to s-steaw away a wady, 
*looks at you* An heiw, and nyeaw awwied unto the Duke. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. And I fwom Mantua, fow a gentweman 
*leans over* Who, in my mood, I stabb'd unto the heawt. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. And I fow such-wike petty cwimes as these. 
But to the puwpose- fow we c-cite o-ouw fauwts 
*teleports behind you* That they may howd e-excus'd o-ouw *hugs tightly* wawwess wives; 
And, pawtwy, seeing you awe beautified 
With g-goodwy shape, and ^w^ by youw own wepowt 
A winguist, and a man of such pewfection 
As we do in o-ouw quawity much want- 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. I-Indeed, because you awe a banyish'd m-man, 
Thewefowe, a-above the west, we pawwey to you. 
Awe you content to be o-ouw genyewaw- 
To make a *hugs tightly* viwtue of nyecessity, 
And wive as we do in this wiwdewnyess? 
T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. What say'st thou? Wiwt thou be of o-ouw *notices bulge* consowt? 
Say 'ay' and be the captain of us aww. 
We'ww do thee homage, and be wuw'd ^w^ by ^w^ thee, 
Wove thee as o-ouw commandew and o-ouw king. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. But if thou s-scown o-ouw couwtesy thou diest. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. *moans* Thou shawt nyot wive to bwag w-what we have *pokes you* offew'd. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I take youw offew, and wiww wive *pokes you* with y-you, 
Pwovided *sweats* that you do nyo :3 outwages 
On uWu siwwy women *blushes* ow poow passengews. 
T-THIWD O-OUTWAW. N-Nyo, we UwU detest such viwe base pwactices. 
Come, go *pokes you* with us; we'ww b-bwing thee to o-ouw c-cwews, 
And show thee aww the tweasuwe we have x3 got; 
Which, *pokes you* with ouwsewves, aww west at t-thy dispose. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Miwan. Outside the DUKE'S pawace, undew *pokes you* SIWVIA'S window 

Entew PWOTEUS 

P-PWOTEUS. Awweady have I been f-fawse to Vawentinye, 
And n-nyow I must be as unjust to Thuwio. 
Undew the *teleports behind you* cowouw of c-commending him 
I have access my own wove to UwU pwefew; 
But Siwvia is too uWu faiw, too twue, too howy, 
To be cowwupted *pokes you* with my wowthwess gifts. 
When I pwotest twue woyawty to hew, 
She t-twits me *pokes you* with my fawsehood to my fwiend; 
When to h-hew beauty I commend my vows, 
She b-bids me think how I have been fowswown 
In *pokes you* bweaking faith *pokes you* with *blushes* Juwia whom I :3 wov'd; 
And nyotwithstanding aww h-hew sudden quips, 
The *notices bulge* weast wheweof ^.^ wouwd queww a wovew's hope, 
Yet, spanyiew-wike, the mowe she spuwns my wove 
The mowe *moans* it gwows and fawnyeth *teleports behind you* on h-hew stiww. 

Entew THUWIO and MUSICIANS 

But x3 hewe c-comes Thuwio. >_> Nyow must we to h-hew w-window, 
And give *blushes* some e-evenying *hugs tightly* music to h-hew eaw. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. H-How nyow, Siw Pwoteus, awe you cwept befowe us? 
P-PWOTEUS. :33 Ay, g-gentwe T-Thuwio; fow you knyow *sweats* that wove 
Wiww cweep in sewvice whewe *moans* it cannyot go. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. :33 Ay, xDD but I hope, siw, *sweats* that you wove nyot hewe. 
P-PWOTEUS. Siw, xDD but I do; *blushes* ow e-ewse I ^.^ wouwd be hence. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Who? Siwvia? 
P-PWOTEUS. :33 Ay, Siwvia- fow youw sake. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. I t-thank you fow youw own. Nyow, gentwemen, 
Wet's tunye, and to *moans* it wustiwy awhiwe. 

Entew at a d-distance, HOST, and JUWIA in boy's cwothes 

HOST. Nyow, my young g-guest, methinks y-you'we awwychowwy; I pway y-you, 
why is it? 
JUWIA. Mawwy, minye host, because I cannyot be mewwy. 
HOST. Come, we'ww have you mewwy; I'ww b-bwing you whewe you shaww 
heaw *screams* music, and see the gentweman *sweats* that you ask'd *shuffles closer* fow. 
JUWIA. But shaww I heaw him speak? 
HOST. :33 Ay, *sweats* that you shaww. [Music *teleports behind you* pways] 
JUWIA. *teleports behind you* That wiww be music. 
HOST. Hawk, hawk! 
JUWIA. *looks at you* Is he among these? 
HOST. *pokes you* Ay; xDD but peace! wet's heaw 'em. 

SONG 
Who is Siwvia? What is she, 
*teleports behind you* That aww o-ouw swains commend hew? 
Howy, uWu faiw, and w-wise is she; 
The heaven such gwace did UwU wend hew, 
*teleports behind you* That she might :3 admiwed be. 

*looks at you* Is she k-kind as she is faiw? 
F-Fow beauty wives *pokes you* with kindnyess. 
Wove doth to h-hew eyes wepaiw, 
To hewp him of his bwindnyess; 
And, being hewp'd, inhabits thewe. 

T-Then to Siwvia wet us sing 
*teleports behind you* That Siwvia is excewwing; 
She excews each mowtaw thing 
^-^ Upon the duww eawth dwewwing. 
'To h-hew wet us gawwands bwing. 

HOST. H-How nyow, awe you saddew than you wewe befowe? 
H-How do y-you, man? The *hugs tightly* music wikes you nyot. 
JUWIA. Y-You mistake; the musician wikes me nyot. 
HOST. W-Why, my pwetty youth? 
JUWIA. He pways fawse, fathew. 
HOST. H-How, out of tunye *teleports behind you* on the s-stwings? 
JUWIA. Nyot so; xDD but yet so f-fawse *sweats* that he gwieves my vewy 
heawt-stwings. 
HOST. Y-You have a quick eaw. 
JUWIA. :33 Ay, I ^.^ wouwd I wewe deaf; *moans* it makes me have a swow heawt. 
HOST. I p-pewceive you dewight nyot in music. 
JUWIA. Nyot a whit, when *moans* it *notices bulge* jaws so. 
HOST. Hawk, w-what finye change is in the music! 
JUWIA. :33 Ay, *sweats* that change is the spite. 
HOST. Y-You ^.^ wouwd have them awways pway xDD but onye t-thing? 
JUWIA. I ^.^ wouwd awways have onye pway xDD but onye thing. 
But, Host, doth this Siw Pwoteus, *sweats* that we tawk on, 
Often wesowt unto this gentwewoman? 
HOST. I teww you w-what Waunce, his m-man, towd me: he *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew out of 
aww :33 nyick. 
JUWIA. Whewe is Waunce? 
HOST. Gonye to seek his d-dog, which to-mowwow, ^w^ by his m-mastew's 
command, he must cawwy fow a ^.^ pwesent to his wady. 
JUWIA. >w< Peace, *looks at you* stand aside; the company pawts. 
P-PWOTEUS. Siw Thuwio, feaw nyot you; I wiww so pwead 
*teleports behind you* That you shaww say my cunnying d-dwift excews. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Whewe meet *cries* we? 
P-PWOTEUS. At Saint Gwegowy's weww. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Faweweww. UwU Exeunt THUWIO and MUSICIANS 

Entew SIWVIA above, at h-hew window 

P-PWOTEUS. Madam, good >w< ev'n to youw wadyship. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. I t-thank you fow youw *screams* music, gentwemen. 
Who is *sweats* that *sweats* that spake? 
P-PWOTEUS. Onye, wady, if you knyew his puwe heawt's twuth, 
Y-You ^.^ wouwd quickwy weawn to knyow him ^w^ by his voice. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Siw Pwoteus, as I take it. 
P-PWOTEUS. Siw Pwoteus, g-gentwe wady, and youw sewvant. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. What's youw wiww? 
P-PWOTEUS. *teleports behind you* That I may compass youws. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Y-You have youw w-wish; my wiww is even t-this, 
*teleports behind you* That p-pwesentwy you hie you h-home to *twerks* bed. 
*moans* Thou subtwe, p-pewjuw'd, fawse, d-diswoyaw m-man, 
Think'st thou I am so shawwow, so conceitwess, 
To be s-seduced ^w^ by t-thy fwattewy 
*teleports behind you* That hast deceiv'd so many *pokes you* with t-thy vows? 
Wetuwn, r-wetuwn, and make t-thy wove amends. 
F-Fow me, ^w^ by this pawe queen of nyight I sweaw, 
I am so faw fwom *giggles shyly* gwanting t-thy wequest 
*teleports behind you* That I d-despise thee fow t-thy wwongfuw suit, 
And ^w^ by and ^w^ by intend to chide m-mysewf 
Even fow this time I spend in t-tawking to thee. 
P-PWOTEUS. I gwant, sweet wove, *sweats* that I did wove a wady; 
But she is dead. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] 'Twewe fawse, if I shouwd speak it; 
F-Fow I am suwe she is nyot buwied. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Say *sweats* that she be; yet Vawentinye, t-thy f-fwiend, 
:33 Suwvives, to whom, thysewf awt witnyess, 
I am betwoth'd; and awt thou nyot a-asham'd 
To wwong him *pokes you* with t-thy impowtunyacy? 
P-PWOTEUS. I *sweats* wikewise heaw *sweats* that Vawentinye is dead. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. And so *shuffles closer* suppose am I; fow in his gwave 
Assuwe thysewf my wove is buwied. 
P-PWOTEUS. Sweet wady, wet me wake *moans* it fwom the eawth. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Go to t-thy *teleports behind you* wady's gwave, and *giggles shyly* caww hews thence; 
Ow, at the weast, in hews sepuwchwe thinye. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] He h-heawd nyot that. 
P-PWOTEUS. Madam, if youw heawt be so ^w^ obduwate, 
Vouchsafe me yet youw p-pictuwe fow my wove, 
The p-pictuwe *sweats* that is hanging in youw *moans* chambew; 
To *sweats* that I'ww speak, to *sweats* that I'ww *pokes you* sigh and weep; 
Fow, s-since the substance of youw pewfect sewf 
*looks at you* Is e-ewse devoted, I am xDD but a shadow; 
And to youw *pokes you* shadow wiww I make twue wove. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] If 'twewe a uWu substance, you wouwd, suwe, d-deceive *moans* it 
And make *moans* it xDD but a shadow, as I am. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. I am vewy woath to be youw idow, siw; 
But s-since youw fawsehood shaww become you weww 
To wowship shadows and adowe f-fawse shapes, 
xDD Send to me in the *teleports behind you* mownying, and I'ww send it; 
And so, good west. 
P-PWOTEUS. As wwetches have o'ewnyight 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* wait fow execution in the xDD mown. 
UwU Exeunt PWOTEUS and SIWVIA 
JUWIA. Host, wiww you go? 
HOST. By my hawidom, I was *looks away* fast asweep. 
JUWIA. *twerks* Pway y-you, whewe wies Siw Pwoteus? 
HOST. Mawwy, at my house. Twust me, I think 'tis awmost day. 
JUWIA. Nyot so; xDD but *moans* it hath been the wongest nyight 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew I watch'd, and the most heaviest. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Undew *pokes you* SIWVIA'S window 

Entew EGWAMOUW 

EGWAMOUW. This is the houw *sweats* that M-Madam Siwvia 
E-Entweated me to *giggles shyly* caww and knyow h-hew mind; 
>_> Thewe's *blushes* some gweat mattew s-she'd empwoy me i-in. 
Madam, madam! 

Entew SIWVIA above, at h-hew window 

*leans over* SIWVIA. Who *teleports behind you* cawws? 
EGWAMOUW. Youw sewvant and youw fwiend; 
Onye *sweats* that attends youw l-wadyship's *sweats* command. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Siw OwO Egwamouw, a thousand times good mowwow! 
EGWAMOUW. As many, wowthy wady, to youwsewf! 
Accowding to youw l-wadyship's impose, 
I am t-thus eawwy come to knyow w-what sewvice 
It is youw pweasuwe to command me i-in. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. O OwO Egwamouw, thou awt a g-gentweman- 
Think nyot I fwattew, fow I sweaw I do nyot- 
Vawiant, wise, wemowsefuw, weww accompwish'd. 
*moans* Thou awt nyot ignyowant w-what deaw good wiww 
I beaw unto the banyish'd Vawentinye; 
N-Nyow how my fathew ^.^ wouwd enfowce me mawwy 
V-Vain Thuwio, whom my vewy souw abhows. 
T-Thysewf hast :3 wov'd; and I have h-heawd thee say 
Nyo g-gwief did *giggles shyly* evew come so nyeaw t-thy heawt 
As when t-thy wady and t-thy twue wove died, 
^-^ Upon :33 whose gwave thou vow'dst puwe chastity. 
Siw OwO Egwamouw, I ^.^ wouwd to Vawentinye, 
To Mantua, whewe I heaw he makes abode; 
And, fow the ways awe d-dangewous to pass, 
I do desiwe t-thy wowthy company, 
^-^ Upon :33 whose faith and honyouw I wepose. 
Uwge nyot my fathew's angew, OwO Egwamouw, 
But think upon my gwief, a *teleports behind you* wady's gwief, 
And *teleports behind you* on the justice of my fwying hence 
To keep me fwom a most unhowy match, 
Which heaven and fowtunye stiww wewawds *pokes you* with pwagues. 
I do desiwe ^w^ thee, even fwom a heawt 
As fuww of sowwows as the *notices bulge* sea of sands, 
To beaw me company and go *pokes you* with me; 
If nyot, to hide w-what I have s-said to ^w^ thee, 
*teleports behind you* That I may ventuwe to depawt awonye. 
EGWAMOUW. Madam, I pity much youw gwievances; 
Which s-since I knyow they viwtuouswy awe pwac'd, 
I give consent to go awong *pokes you* with y-you, 
Wecking as wittwe w-what betideth me 
As much I wish aww good b-befowtunye you. 
When wiww you go? 
*leans over* SIWVIA. This e-evenying coming. 
EGWAMOUW. Whewe shaww I meet you? 
*leans over* SIWVIA. At F-Fwiaw P-Patwick's ceww, 
Whewe I intend howy confession. 
EGWAMOUW. I wiww nyot *sweats* faiw youw wadyship. Good OwO mowwow, g-gentwe wady. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Good OwO mowwow, k-kind Siw Egwamouw. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Undew *pokes you* SIWVIA'S Window 

Entew WAUNCE *pokes you* with his dog 

WAUNCE. When a man's sewvant shaww pway the *teleports behind you* cuw *pokes you* with him, wook y-you, 
*moans* it goes hawd- onye *sweats* that I >w< bwought up of a puppy; onye *sweats* that I sav'd 
fwom dwownying, when thwee *blushes* ow fouw of his bwind bwothews and 
sistews went to it. I have taught him, even as onye ^.^ wouwd say 
pwecisewy 'Thus I ^.^ wouwd teach a *looks at you* dog.' I was OwO sent to dewivew him 
as a ^.^ pwesent to Mistwess Siwvia fwom my mastew; and I came nyo 
soonyew into the dinying-chambew, xDD but he steps me to h-hew t-twenchew 
and steaws h-hew capon's weg. O, 'tis a f-fouw thing when a *teleports behind you* cuw 
cannyot keep himsewf in aww c-companyies! I ^.^ wouwd h-have, as onye shouwd 
say, onye *sweats* that takes upon him to be a dog indeed, to be, as *moans* it 
wewe, a dog at aww things. If I h-had nyot h-had mowe wit than he, to 
take a fauwt upon me *sweats* that he did, I think vewiwy he h-had been 
hang'd fow't; suwe as I *teleports behind you* wive, he h-had s-suffew'd fow't. Y-You shaww 
judge. He t-thwusts me himsewf into the company of thwee *blushes* ow fouw 
gentweman-wike dogs undew the Duke's tabwe; he h-had nyot been 
thewe, bwess the mawk, a p-pissing whiwe xDD but aww the chambew smewt 
him. 'Out *pokes you* with the dog' says onye; 'What *teleports behind you* cuw is that?' says 
anyothew; 'Whip him out' says the *twerks* thiwd; 'Hang him u-up' says the 
Duke. I, having been acquainted *pokes you* with the smeww befowe, knyew *moans* it 
was Cwab, and goes me to the fewwow *sweats* that whips the dogs. 
'-'Fwiend,' *screams* quoth I 'you *looks at you* mean to whip the *looks at you* dog.' 'Ay, mawwy do I' 
*screams* quoth he. OwO 'You do him the mowe wwong,' *screams* quoth I; "-"twas I did the 
thing you wot of.' He makes me nyo mowe ado, xDD but whips me out of 
the chambew. H-How many mastews ^.^ wouwd do this fow his sewvant? Nyay, 
I'ww be swown, I have sat in the s-stock fow puddings he hath 
s-stow'n, othewwise he h-had been executed; I have stood *teleports behind you* on the 
*looks away* piwwowy fow geese he hath kiww'd, othewwise he h-had s-suffew'd 
fow't. *moans* Thou think'st nyot of this nyow. Nyay, I wemembew the t-twick 
you sewv'd me when I t-took my weave of M-Madam Siwvia. *sweats* Did nyot I bid 
thee stiww mawk me and do as I do? When didst thou see me heave 
up my weg and make watew against a ^.^ gentwewoman's fawthingawe? 
D-Didst thou *giggles shyly* evew see me do such a twick? 

Entew PWOTEUS, and JUWIA in boy's cwothes 

P-PWOTEUS. Sebastian is t-thy n-nyame? I wike thee weww, 
And wiww empwoy thee in *blushes* some sewvice pwesentwy. 
JUWIA. In w-what you pwease; I'ww do w-what I c-can. 
UwU PWOTEUS..I hope thou w-wiwt. [To WAUNCE] H-How nyow, you whoweson 
peasant! 
Whewe have you been these xDD two days woitewing? 
WAUNCE. Mawwy, siw, I cawwied Mistwess Siwvia the dog you bade me. 
P-PWOTEUS. And w-what says she to my wittwe *sweats* jewew? 
WAUNCE. Mawwy, she says youw dog was a c-cuw, and tewws you *sighs* cuwwish 
thanks is good enyough fow such a pwesent. 
P-PWOTEUS. But she weceiv'd my dog? 
WAUNCE. N-Nyo, indeed, did she nyot; x3 hewe have I >w< bwought him back 
again. 
P-PWOTEUS. What, didst thou *teleports behind you* offew h-hew this fwom me? 
WAUNCE. :33 Ay, siw; the othew squiwwew was stow'n fwom me ^w^ by the 
hangman's boys in the mawket-pwace; and then I offew'd h-hew minye 
o-own, w-who is a dog as big as ten of youws, and thewefowe the gift 
the gweatew. 
P-PWOTEUS. Go, get thee hence and find my dog again, 
Ow nye'ew r-wetuwn ;;w;; again into my s-sight. 
^w^ Away, I say. Stayest thou to vex me hewe? Exit WAUNCE 
A swave *sweats* that stiww an end tuwns me to ^-^ shame! 
Sebastian, I have entewtainyed thee 
Pawtwy *sweats* that I have nyeed of such a youth 
*teleports behind you* That can *pokes you* with *blushes* some discwetion do my businyess, 
F-Fow 'tis nyo twusting to :3 yond foowish wout, 
But *shuffles closer* chiefwy fow t-thy *cuddles you* face and t-thy behaviouw, 
Which, if my a-auguwy d-deceive me nyot, 
Witnyess good bwinging up, >w< fowtunye, and twuth; 
Thewefowe, knyow thou, fow this I e-entewtain thee. 
Go pwesentwy, and take this wing *pokes you* with ^w^ thee, 
Dewivew *moans* it to M-Madam Siwvia- 
She *notices bulge* wov'd me weww *pokes you* dewivew'd *moans* it to me. 
JUWIA. It seems you *notices bulge* wov'd nyot hew, to weave h-hew token. 
She is dead, bewike? 
P-PWOTEUS. Nyot so; I think she wives. 
JUWIA. *twerks* Awas! 
P-PWOTEUS. Why dost thou cwy *looks away* 'Awas'? 
JUWIA. I cannyot c-choose 
But pity hew. 
P-PWOTEUS. Whewefowe shouwdst thou pity hew? 
JUWIA. *screams* Because methinks *sweats* that she *notices bulge* wov'd you as weww 
As you do wove youw wady Siwvia. 
She dweams *teleports behind you* on him *sweats* that has fowgot h-hew x3 wove: 
Y-You dote *teleports behind you* on h-hew *sweats* that c-cawes nyot fow youw wove. 
'Tis pity wove shouwd be so *teleports behind you* contwawy; 
And thinking *teleports behind you* on *moans* it makes me cwy 'Awas!' 
P-PWOTEUS. *sighs* Weww, give h-hew *sweats* that wing, and thewewithaw 
This wettew. That's h-hew chambew. Teww my wady 
I c-cwaim the pwomise fow h-hew heavenwy pictuwe. 
Youw message donye, hie h-home unto my chambew, 
Whewe thou shawt find me sad and sowitawy. Exit PWOTEUS 
JUWIA. H-How many women ^.^ wouwd do such a message? 
A-Awas, poow Pwoteus, thou hast entewtain'd 
A fox to be the shephewd of t-thy wambs. 
A-Awas, poow foow, why do I pity him 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* with his vewy heawt despiseth me? 
*screams* Because he woves hew, he despiseth me; 
*screams* Because I wove him, I must pity him. 
This wing I gave him, when he pawted fwom me, 
To bind him to wemembew my good wiww; 
And n-nyow am I, unhappy m-messengew, 
To pwead fow *sweats* that which I ^.^ wouwd nyot *teleports behind you* obtain, 
To cawwy *sweats* that which I ^.^ wouwd have wefus'd, 
To pwaise his faith, which I ^.^ wouwd have d-dispwais'd. 
I am my m-mastew's twue confiwmed wove, 
But cannyot be twue sewvant to my mastew 
*leans over* Unwess I *shuffles closer* pwove f-fawse twaitow to mysewf. 
Y-Yet wiww I woo fow him, xDD but yet so c-cowdwy 
As, heaven *moans* it knyows, I ^.^ wouwd nyot have him speed. 

Entew SIWVIA, *looks away* attended 

Gentwewoman, good day! I pway you be my *looks at you* mean 
To b-bwing me whewe to speak *pokes you* with M-Madam Siwvia. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. What ^.^ wouwd you *pokes you* with hew, if *sweats* that I be she? 
JUWIA. If you be she, I do entweat youw p-patience 
To heaw me speak the message I am OwO sent on. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Fwom w-whom? 
JUWIA. Fwom my mastew, Siw Pwoteus, madam. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. O, he *shuffles closer* sends you fow a pictuwe? 
JUWIA. :33 Ay, madam. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Uwsuwa, b-bwing my p-pictuwe thewe. 
Go, give youw mastew this. Teww him fwom me, 
Onye J-Juwia, *sweats* that his changing *hugs tightly* thoughts ;;w;; fowget, 
Wouwd bettew fit his chambew than this >w< shadow. 
JUWIA. Madam, pwease you pewuse this wettew. 
Pawdon me, madam; I have u-unyadvis'd 
Dewivew'd you a papew *sweats* that I shouwd nyot. 
This is the wettew to youw wadyship. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. I pway thee wet me wook *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that again. 
JUWIA. It may nyot be; good *looks at you* madam, pawdon me. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Thewe, howd! 
I wiww nyot wook upon youw m-mastew's winyes. 
I knyow they awe stuff'd *pokes you* with pwotestations, 
And fuww of nyew-found oaths, which he wuw bweak 
As easiwy as I do teaw his papew. 
JUWIA. Madam, he *shuffles closer* sends youw wadyship this wing. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. The mowe shame fow him *sweats* that he *shuffles closer* sends *moans* it me; 
F-Fow I have h-heawd him say a thousand times 
His *blushes* Juwia gave *moans* it him at his *looks at you* depawtuwe. 
Though his f-fawse fingew have pwofan'd the wing, 
M-Minye shaww nyot do his *blushes* Juwia so much wwong. 
JUWIA. She thanks you. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. What say'st thou? 
JUWIA. I t-thank y-you, *looks at you* madam, *sweats* that you tendew hew. 
Poow gentwewoman, my mastew wwongs h-hew much. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Dost thou knyow hew? 
JUWIA. A-Awmost as weww as I do knyow mysewf. 
To think upon h-hew woes, I do pwotest 
*teleports behind you* That I have wept a hundwed sevewaw times. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Bewike she thinks *sweats* that Pwoteus hath ^w^ fowsook hew. 
JUWIA. I think she doth, and that's h-hew c-cause of sowwow. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. *looks at you* Is she nyot passing faiw? 
JUWIA. She hath been faiwew, *looks at you* madam, than she is. 
When she did think my mastew *notices bulge* wov'd h-hew weww, 
She, in my judgment, was as *looks at you* faiw as you; 
But s-since she did nyegwect h-hew wooking-gwass 
And *shuffles closer* thwew h-hew sun-expewwing mask away, 
The a-aiw hath stawv'd the >_< woses in h-hew cheeks 
And pinch'd the wiwy-tinctuwe of h-hew face, 
*teleports behind you* That n-nyow she is become as bwack as I. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. H-How *notices bulge* taww was she? 
JUWIA. About my statuwe; fow at Pentecost, 
When aww o-ouw p-pageants of dewight wewe pway'd, 
Ouw youth got me to pway the woman's pawt, 
And I was twimm'd in M-Madam Juwia's gown; 
Which sewved me as fit, ^w^ by aww men's judgments, 
As if the gawment h-had been made fow me; 
Thewefowe I knyow she is a-about my height. 
And at *sweats* that time I made h-hew weep a ^-^ good, 
F-Fow I did pway a l-wamentabwe pawt. 
Madam, '-'twas Awiadnye ^.^ passionying 
F-Fow Theseus' pewjuwy and unjust ^w^ fwight; 
Which I so wivewy acted *pokes you* with my teaws 
*teleports behind you* That my poow mistwess, moved thewewithaw, 
Wept b-bittewwy; and ^.^ wouwd I might be dead 
If I in thought fewt nyot h-hew vewy sowwow. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. She is behowding to ^w^ thee, g-gentwe y-youth. 
A-Awas, poow wady, ;;w;; desowate and weft! 
I weep *twerks* mysewf, to think upon t-thy wowds. 
*shuffles closer* Hewe, >_< youth, thewe is my puwse; I give thee this 
F-Fow t-thy sweet mistwess' sake, because thou l-wov'st hew. 
Faweweww. Exit SIWVIA *pokes you* with ATTENDANTS 
JUWIA. And she shaww t-thank you fow't, if ^w^ e'ew you knyow hew. 
A viwtuous gentwewoman, *cuddles you* miwd and b-beautifuw! 
I hope my m-mastew's suit wiww be xDD but cowd, 
Since she wespects my mistwess' wove so much. 
A-Awas, how wove can twifwe *pokes you* with itsewf! 
Hewe is h-hew pictuwe; wet me see. I think, 
If I h-had such a tiwe, this *cuddles you* face of minye 
Wewe fuww as wovewy as is this of :33 hews; 
And yet the p-paintew fwattew'd h-hew a wittwe, 
*leans over* Unwess I fwattew *pokes you* with m-mysewf too much. 
Hew haiw is aubuwn, minye is pewfect yewwow; 
If *sweats* that be aww the diffewence in his wove, 
I'ww get me such a *moans* cowouw'd p-pewiwig. 
Hew eyes awe gwey as gwass, and so awe minye; 
:33 Ay, xDD but h-hew fowehead's wow, and minye's as h-high. 
What shouwd *moans* it be *sweats* that he wespects in h-hew 
But I can make >w< wespective in *twerks* mysewf, 
If this fond Wove wewe nyot a bwinded *giggles shyly* god? 
Come, shadow, come, and take this *pokes you* shadow up, 
F-Fow 'tis t-thy wivaw. O thou sensewess fowm, 
*moans* Thou shawt be wowshipp'd, kiss'd, wov'd, and a-adow'd! 
And wewe thewe sense in his idowatwy 
My substance shouwd be statue in t-thy stead. 
I'ww use thee *blushes* kindwy fow t-thy mistwess' sake, 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* us'd me so; *blushes* ow e-ewse, ^w^ by Jove I vow, 
I shouwd have scwatch'd out youw unseeing e-eyes, 
To make my mastew out of wove *pokes you* with thee. Exit 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Miwan. *looks at you* An abbey 

Entew EGWAMOUW 

EGWAMOUW. The *moans* sun begins to giwd the w-westewn sky, 
And n-nyow *moans* it is a-about the vewy houw 
*teleports behind you* That Siwvia at F-Fwiaw P-Patwick's ceww shouwd meet me. 
She wiww nyot faiw, fow wovews bweak nyot houws 
*leans over* Unwess *moans* it be to come befowe t-theiw time, 
So much they spuw t-theiw expedition. 

Entew SIWVIA 

See whewe she c-comes. Wady, a happy evenying! 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Amen, amen! Go on, good OwO Egwamouw, 
Out at the postewn ^w^ by the abbey waww; 
I feaw I am *looks away* attended ^w^ by *blushes* some *blushes* spies. 
EGWAMOUW. Feaw nyot. The fowest is nyot thwee weagues off; 
If we wecovew that, we awe suwe enyough. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Miwan. The DUKE'S pawace 

Entew THUWIO, PWOTEUS, and JUWIA as *notices bulge* SEBASTIAN 

*looks at you* THUWIO. Siw Pwoteus, w-what says Siwvia to my s-suit? 
P-PWOTEUS. O, siw, I find h-hew miwdew than she was; 
And yet she takes exceptions at youw p-pewson. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. What, *sweats* that my weg is too wong? 
P-PWOTEUS. Nyo; *sweats* that *moans* it is too wittwe. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. I'ww weaw a >_> boot to make *moans* it somewhat woundew. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] But wove wiww nyot be spuww'd to w-what *moans* it woathes. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. What says she to my face? 
P-PWOTEUS. She says *moans* it is a *looks at you* faiw onye. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Nyay, then, the wanton wies; my *cuddles you* face is bwack. 
P-PWOTEUS. But p-peawws awe *blushes* faiw; and the owd >w< saying ^w^ is: 
Bwack men awe p-peawws in beauteous wadies' eyes. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] 'Tis twue, such p-peawws as p-put out wadies' eyes; 
F-Fow I h-had wathew wink than wook *teleports behind you* on them. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. H-How wikes she my discouwse? 
P-PWOTEUS. I-Iww, when you tawk of waw. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. But weww when I d-discouwse of wove and peace? 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] But *blushes* bettew, indeed, when you howd youw *teleports behind you* peace. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. What says she to my vawouw? 
P-PWOTEUS. O, siw, she makes nyo d-doubt of that. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] She ;;w;; nyeeds nyot, when she *looks away* knyows *moans* it cowawdice. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. What says she to my b-biwth? 
P-PWOTEUS. *teleports behind you* That you awe weww *shuffles closer* dewiv'd. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] Twue; fwom a gentweman to a foow. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. C-Considews she my *hugs tightly* possessions? 
P-PWOTEUS. O, a-ay; and pities them. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Whewefowe? 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] *teleports behind you* That such an ass shouwd owe them. 
P-PWOTEUS. *teleports behind you* That they awe out ^w^ by wease. 
JUWIA. Hewe c-comes the Duke. 

Entew D-DUKE 

DUKE. H-How nyow, Siw Pwoteus! how nyow, x3 Thuwio! 
Which of you *moans* saw Siw Egwamouw of l-wate? 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Nyot I. 
P-PWOTEUS. N-Nyow I. 
DUKE. Saw you my daughtew? 
P-PWOTEUS. *sighs* Nyeithew. 
DUKE. Why then, 
S-She's OwO fwed unto *sweats* that peasant Vawentinye; 
And Egwamouw is in h-hew company. 
'Tis *shuffles closer* twue; fow F-Fwiaw Wawwence m-met them b-both 
As he in *cries* penyance wandew'd uWu thwough the >w< fowest; 
Him he knyew weww, and *leans over* guess'd *sweats* that *moans* it was she, 
But, being mask'd, he was nyot suwe of it; 
Besides, she did intend confession 
At P-Patwick's ceww this even; and thewe she was nyot. 
These wikewihoods confiwm h-hew fwight fwom hence; 
Thewefowe, I pway y-you, *looks at you* stand nyot to discouwse, 
But mount you pwesentwy, and meet *pokes you* with me 
^-^ Upon the wising of the mountain f-foot 
*teleports behind you* That weads towawd Mantua, whithew they awe fwed. 
Dispatch, sweet gentwemen, and f-fowwow me. Exit 
*looks at you* THUWIO. W-Why, this *moans* it is to be a peevish giww 
*teleports behind you* That fwies h-hew fowtunye when *moans* it f-fowwows hew. 
I'ww aftew, mowe to be *sighs* weveng'd *teleports behind you* on Egwamouw 
*notices bulge* Than fow the wove of weckwess Siwvia. Exit 
P-PWOTEUS. And I wiww fowwow, mowe fow Siwvia's wove 
*notices bulge* Than hate of OwO Egwamouw, *sweats* that goes *pokes you* with hew. Exit 
JUWIA. And I wiww fowwow, mowe to cwoss *sweats* that wove 
*notices bulge* Than hate fow Siwvia, *sweats* that is g-gonye fow wove. Exit 




SCENyE III. 
The fwontiews of Mantua. The fowest 

Entew OUTWAWS *pokes you* with SIWVA 

FIWST O-OUTWAW. Come, come. 
Be patient; we must b-bwing you to o-ouw c-captain. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. A thousand mowe mischances than this onye 
Have weawn'd me how to bwook this patientwy. 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. Come, b-bwing h-hew a-away. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. Whewe is the gentweman *sweats* that was *pokes you* with hew? 
SECOND O-OUTWAW. Being nyimbwe-footed, he hath outwun us, 
But Moyses and Vawewius f-fowwow him. 
Go thou *pokes you* with h-hew to the west end of the wood; 
*cries* Thewe is o-ouw *shuffles closer* captain; we'ww f-fowwow him that's fwed. 
The thicket is *moans* beset; he cannyot 'scape. 
FIWST O-OUTWAW. Come, I must b-bwing you to o-ouw captain's ^-^ cave; 
Feaw nyot; he beaws an honyouwabwe *leans over* mind, 
And wiww nyot use a woman wawwesswy. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. O Vawentinye, this I e-enduwe fow thee! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE IV. 
Anyothew *cries* pawt of the fowest 

Entew VAWENTINyE 

*moans* VAWENTINyE. H-How use doth bweed a habit in a man! 
This shadowy desewt, *shuffles closer* unfwequented woods, 
I bettew bwook than ^w^ fwouwishing peopwed towns. 
Hewe can I sit *sweats* awonye, unseen of any, 
And to the *hugs tightly* nyightingawe's compwainying nyotes 
*hugs tightly* Tunye my distwesses and wecowd my woes. 
O thou *sweats* that dost inhabit in my bweast, 
L-Weave nyot the mansion so wong tenyantwess, 
West, gwowing *cuddles you* wuinyous, the buiwding faww 
And weave nyo *twerks* memowy of w-what *moans* it w-was! 
R-Wepaiw me *pokes you* with t-thy pwesence, Siwvia: 
*moans* Thou g-gentwe n-nymph, chewish t-thy fowwown swain. 
What hawwoing and w-what s-stiw is this to-day? 
These awe my m-mates, *sweats* that make t-theiw w-wiwws t-theiw waw, 
Have *blushes* some unhappy passengew in c-chase. 
They wove me weww; yet I have much to do 
To keep them fwom unciviw outwages. 
Withdwaw ^w^ thee, Vawentinye. Who's this c-comes hewe? 
[Steps *sighs* aside] 

Entew PWOTEUS, SIWVIA, and JUWIA as Sebastian 

P-PWOTEUS. Madam, this sewvice I have donye fow y-you, 
Though you wespect nyot a-aught youw sewvant doth, 
To h-hazawd l-wife, and wescue you fwom him 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd have OwO fowc'd youw honyouw and youw wove. 
Vouchsafe me, fow my meed, xDD but onye *looks at you* faiw wook; 
A smawwew boon than this I cannyot beg, 
And wess than t-this, I am suwe, you cannyot give. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. OwO [Aside] H-How wike a d-dweam is this I see and h-heaw! 
Wove, UwU wend me p-patience to fowbeaw awhiwe. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. O >_> misewabwe, unhappy *sweats* that I UwU am! 
P-PWOTEUS. Unhappy wewe y-you, *looks at you* madam, ewe I came; 
But ^w^ by my coming I have made you happy. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. By t-thy appwoach thou mak'st me most *leans over* unhappy. 
JUWIA. OwO [Aside] And me, when he appwoacheth to youw pwesence. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Had I been s-seized ^w^ by a hungwy wion, 
I ^.^ wouwd have been a bweakfast to the beast 
Wathew than have f-fawse Pwoteus wescue me. 
O, heaven be judge how I wove Vawentinye, 
Whose wife's as tendew to me as my ^w^ souw! 
And fuww as *twerks* much, fow mowe thewe cannyot be, 
I do UwU detest fawse, pewjuw'd Pwoteus. 
Thewefowe be gonye; sowicit me nyo mowe. 
P-PWOTEUS. What d-dangewous action, stood *moans* it nyext to death, 
Wouwd I nyot undewgo fow onye cawm wook? 
O, 'tis the cuwse in wove, and stiww appwov'd, 
When women cannyot wove whewe *hugs tightly* they'we bewov'd! 
*leans over* SIWVIA. When Pwoteus cannyot wove whewe he's bewov'd! 
Wead ovew Juwia's h-heawt, t-thy f-fiwst best wove, 
F-Fow :33 whose deaw sake thou didst then wend t-thy faith 
Into a thousand o-oaths; and aww those *twerks* oaths 
Descended into pewjuwy, to wove me. 
*moans* Thou hast nyo faith >w< weft nyow, *hugs tightly* unwess thou'dst t-two, 
And that's faw wowse than nyonye; bettew have nyonye 
*notices bulge* Than pwuwaw faith, which is too much ^w^ by onye. 
*moans* Thou countewfeit to t-thy twue fwiend! 
P-PWOTEUS. In wove, 
Who wespects fwiend? 
*leans over* SIWVIA. Aww men xDD but Pwoteus. 
P-PWOTEUS. Nyay, if the g-gentwe spiwit of moving wowds 
C-Can nyo way change you to a miwdew fowm, 
I'ww woo you wike a sowdiew, at awms' end, 
And wove you 'gainst the nyatuwe of wove- fowce >_< ye. 
*leans over* SIWVIA. O heaven! 
P-PWOTEUS. I'ww fowce thee y-yiewd to my desiwe. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *twerks* Wuffian! wet go *sweats* that ^w^ wude unciviw OwO touch; 
*moans* Thou fwiend of an iww fashion! 
P-PWOTEUS. V-Vawentinye! 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. *moans* Thou common f-fwiend, that's without faith *blushes* ow wove- 
F-Fow such is a fwiend x3 nyow; *leans over* tweachewous m-man, 
*moans* Thou hast beguiw'd my hopes; nyought xDD but minye eye 
*shuffles closer* Couwd have p-pewsuaded me. >_> Nyow I dawe nyot say 
I have onye fwiend a-awive: thou wouwdst dispwove me. 
Who shouwd be twusted, when onye's own wight h-hand 
*looks at you* Is p-pewjuwed to the bosom? Pwoteus, 
I am sowwy I must nyevew twust thee mowe, 
But count the wowwd a stwangew fow t-thy sake. 
The pwivate ^.^ wound is *twerks* deepest. O time most accuwst! 
'Mongst aww foes *sweats* that a fwiend shouwd be the w-wowst! 
P-PWOTEUS. My shame and ^-^ guiwt confounds me. 
Fowgive me, Vawentinye; if heawty sowwow 
Be a sufficient *blushes* wansom fow offence, 
I tendew 't h-hewe; I do as twuwy suffew 
As ^w^ e'ew I did commit. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. T-Then I am paid; 
And once ;;w;; again I do weceive thee :3 honyest. 
Who ^w^ by *giggles shyly* wepentance is nyot *sighs* satisfied 
*looks at you* Is n-nyow of heaven n-nyow eawth, fow these awe pweas'd; 
By p-penyitence th' Etewnyaw's wwath's a-appeas'd. 
And, *sweats* that my wove may appeaw pwain and fwee, 
Aww *sweats* that was minye in Siwvia I give thee. 
JUWIA. O me unhappy! [Swoons] 
P-PWOTEUS. Wook to the boy. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. W-Why, boy! why, wag! how nyow! 
What's the m-mattew? Wook up; speak. 
JUWIA. O good siw, my mastew c-chawg'd me to dewivew a wing to M-Madam 
Siwvia, which, out of my nyegwect, was nyevew donye. 
P-PWOTEUS. Whewe is *sweats* that wing, boy? 
JUWIA. Hewe 'tis; this is it. 
P-PWOTEUS. H-How! wet me see. W-Why, this is the wing I gave to Juwia. 
JUWIA. O, cwy you :3 mewcy, siw, I have UwU mistook; 
This is the wing you OwO sent to Siwvia. 
P-PWOTEUS. But how OwO cam'st thou ^w^ by this wing? 
At my depawt I gave this unto Juwia. 
JUWIA. And *blushes* Juwia hewsewf did give *moans* it me; 
And *blushes* Juwia hewsewf have >w< bwought *moans* it *looks at you* hithew. 
P-PWOTEUS. H-How! Juwia! 
JUWIA. *screams* Behowd h-hew *sweats* that gave aim to aww t-thy oaths, 
And entewtain'd 'em deepwy in h-hew heawt. 
H-How oft hast thou *pokes you* with pewjuwy c-cweft the woot! 
O Pwoteus, wet this habit make thee bwush! 
Be thou a-asham'd *sweats* that I have t-took upon me 
*screams* Such an i-immodest waiment- if shame wive 
In a d-disguise of wove. 
It is the wessew bwot, modesty finds, 
Women to change t-theiw shapes than men t-theiw minds. 
P-PWOTEUS. *notices bulge* Than men t-theiw minds! 'tis twue. O heaven, wewe man 
But constant, he wewe pewfect! *teleports behind you* That onye ewwow 
Fiwws him *pokes you* with fauwts; makes him wun uWu thwough aww th' sins: 
Inconstancy fawws off ewe *moans* it begins. 
What is in Siwvia's *cuddles you* face xDD but I may spy 
Mowe fwesh in Juwia's *pokes you* with a constant eye? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Come, come, a h-hand fwom OwO eithew. 
Wet me be bwest to make this happy cwose; 
'Twewe pity xDD two such fwiends shouwd be wong foes. 
P-PWOTEUS. *looks at you* Beaw witnyess, heaven, I have my wish fow evew. 
JUWIA. And I minye. 

Entew OUTWAWS, *pokes you* with D-DUKE and THUWIO 

O-OUTWAW. A pwize, a pwize, a pwize! 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. :3 Fowbeaw, fowbeaw, I *notices bulge* say; *moans* it is my *hugs tightly* wowd the Duke. 
Youw Gwace is wewcome to a man disgwac'd, 
Banyished Vawentinye. 
DUKE. Siw V-Vawentinye! 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Yondew is Siwvia; and Siwvia's minye. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Thuwio, give back, *blushes* ow e-ewse embwace t-thy death; 
Come nyot within the measuwe of my wwath; 
Do nyot nyame Siwvia thinye; if once again, 
Vewonya shaww nyot howd thee. Hewe she stands 
Take xDD but possession of h-hew *pokes you* with a touch- 
I dawe thee xDD but to bweathe upon my wove. 
*looks at you* THUWIO. Siw Vawentinye, I OwO cawe nyot fow hew, I; 
I howd him xDD but a foow *sweats* that wiww endangew 
His body fow a giww *sweats* that woves him nyot. 
I c-cwaim h-hew nyot, and thewefowe she is thinye. 
DUKE. The mowe degenyewate and base awt thou 
To make such means fow h-hew as thou hast donye 
And weave h-hew *teleports behind you* on such s-swight conditions. 
Nyow, ^w^ by the honyouw of my ancestwy, 
I do appwaud t-thy spiwit, Vawentinye, 
And think thee wowthy of an e-empwess' wove. 
Knyow then, I x3 hewe fowget aww f-fowmew gwiefs, 
Cancew aww g-gwudge, wepeaw thee h-home again, 
Pwead a nyew state in t-thy unwivaww'd mewit, 
To which I t-thus subscwibe: Siw Vawentinye, 
*moans* Thou awt a g-gentweman, and weww dewiv'd; 
Take thou t-thy Siwvia, fow thou hast desewv'd hew. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I t-thank youw Gwace; the gift hath made me happy. 
I n-nyow beseech y-you, fow youw daughtew's sake, 
To gwant onye boon *sweats* that I shaww ask of you. 
DUKE. I gwant *moans* it fow thinye o-own, whate'ew *moans* it be. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. These banyish'd men, *sweats* that I have kept withaw, 
Awe men endu'd *pokes you* with wowthy quawities; 
Fowgive them w-what they have committed hewe, 
And wet them be wecaww'd fwom t-theiw exiwe: 
They awe wefowmed, civiw, fuww of ^-^ good, 
And fit fow gweat empwoyment, wowthy l-wowd. 
DUKE. *moans* Thou hast pwevaiw'd; I pawdon them, and thee; 
Dispose of them as thou knyow'st t-theiw desewts. 
Come, wet us go; we wiww incwude aww *notices bulge* jaws 
With twiumphs, miwth, and wawe sowemnyity. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. And, as we wawk a-awong, I dawe be bowd 
With o-ouw d-discouwse to make youw Gwace to smiwe. 
What think you of this page, my wowd? 
DUKE. I think the *cries* boy hath gwace in :3 him; he bwushes. 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. I wawwant y-you, my l-wowd- mowe gwace than boy. 
DUKE. What *looks at you* mean you ^w^ by *sweats* that *notices bulge* saying? 
*moans* VAWENTINyE. Pwease y-you, I'ww teww you as we pass a-awong, 
*teleports behind you* That you wiww wondew w-what hath fowtunyed. 
Come, Pwoteus, 'tis youw *cries* penyance xDD but to heaw 
The *leans over* stowy of youw woves d-discovewed. 
*teleports behind you* That donye, o-ouw day of mawwiage shaww be y-youws; 
Onye feast, onye *notices bulge* house, onye mutuaw happinyess! UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 





1611 

THE WINTEW'S *looks away* TAWE 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Dwamatis Pewsonyae 

WEONTES, King of *pokes you* Siciwia 
MAMIWWIUS, his son, the young Pwince of *pokes you* Siciwia 
CAMIWWO, *hugs tightly* wowd of *pokes you* Siciwia 
ANTIGONyUS, " " " 
C-CWEOMENyES, " " " 
DION, " " " 
POWIXENyES, King of Bohemia 
FWOWIZEW, his son, Pwince of Bohemia 
AWCHIDAMUS, a *hugs tightly* wowd of Bohemia 
UwU OWD SHEPHEWD, r-weputed fathew of Pewdita 
CWOWN, his son 
AUTOWYCUS, a wogue 
A M-MAWINyEW 
A x3 GAOWEW 
TIME, as Chowus 

H-HEWMIONyE, Queen to Weontes 
PEWDITA, daughtew to Weontes and Hewmionye 
P-PAUWINyA, wife to Antigonyus 
EMIWIA, a wady attending *teleports behind you* on the Queen 
MOPSA, shephewdess 
DOWCAS, " 

Othew Wowds, Gentwemen, Wadies, O-Officews, *looks away* Sewvants, Shephewds, 
Shephewdesses 

SCENyE: 
*pokes you* Siciwia and Bohemia 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
*looks at you* SHAKESPEAWE IS C-COPYWIGHT 1990-1993 BY WOWWD WIBWAWY, INC., AND IS 
PWOVIDED BY PWOJECT G-GUTENBEWG ETEXT OF IWWINyOIS B-BENyEDICTINyE COWWEGE 
WITH PEWMISSION. *moans* EWECTWONyIC AND MACHINyE WEADABWE COPIES MAY ;;w;; BE 
OwO DISTWIBUTED SO WONG AS S-SUCH COPIES *blushes* (1) A-AWE FOW *cuddles you* YOUW OW OTHEWS 
PEWSONyAW USE ONWY, AND (2) A-AWE xDD NyOT OwO DISTWIBUTED OW USED 
COMMEWCIAWWY. PWOHIBITED COMMEWCIAW DISTWIBUTION *sweats* INCWUDES BY *giggles shyly* ANY 
SEWVICE T-THAT CHAWGES FOW D-DOWNWOAD TIME OW FOW MEMBEWSHIP.>> 



ACT I. SCENyE I. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew CAMIWWO and AWCHIDAMUS 

AWCHIDAMUS. If you shaww *giggles shyly* chance, C-Camiwwo, to visit B-Bohemia, *teleports behind you* on the 
wike occasion wheweon my sewvices awe n-nyow *teleports behind you* on foot, you shaww see, 
as I have ^-^ said, gweat diffewence b-betwixt o-ouw Bohemia and youw 
Siciwia. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I think this coming s-summew the King of *pokes you* Siciwia means to 
p-pay Bohemia the visitation which he justwy owes him. 
AWCHIDAMUS. Whewein o-ouw *twerks* entewtainment shaww shame us we wiww be 
justified in o-ouw woves; fow *sighs* indeed- 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Beseech you- 
AWCHIDAMUS. Vewiwy, I speak *moans* it in the fweedom of my knyowwedge: we 
cannyot *pokes you* with such magnyificence, in so *notices bulge* wawe- I knyow nyot w-what to 
say. We wiww give you sweepy dwinks, *sweats* that youw s-senses, 
unyintewwigent of o-ouw insufficience, may, *sighs* though they cannyot 
pwaise us, as wittwe accuse us. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Y-You p-pay a gweat deaw too deaw fow what's given f-fweewy. 
AWCHIDAMUS. Bewieve me, I speak as my undewstanding instwucts me 
and as minye xDD honyesty puts *moans* it to uttewance. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. *pokes you* Siciwia cannyot show himsewf ovewkind to Bohemia. They wewe 
*shuffles closer* twain'd togethew in t-theiw c-chiwdhoods; and thewe wooted b-betwixt 
them then such an affection which cannyot c-choose xDD but b-bwanch nyow. 
Since t-theiw mowe *cries* matuwe dignyities and woyaw *teleports behind you* nyecessities made 
sepawation of t-theiw *leans over* society, t-theiw encountews, *sighs* though nyot 
pewsonyaw, have been r-woyawwy attownyeyed *pokes you* with intewchange of gifts, 
wettews, ^.^ woving embassies; *sweats* that they have seem'd to be togethew, 
*sighs* though a-absent; shook uWu hands, as ovew a v-vast; and e-embwac'd as *moans* it 
wewe fwom the e-ends of *hugs tightly* opposed uWu winds. The *leans over* heavens ^w^ continyue t-theiw 
woves! 
AWCHIDAMUS. I think thewe is nyot in the wowwd ^w^ eithew mawice *blushes* ow 
mattew to awtew it. Y-You have an unspeakabwe comfowt of youw young 
Pwince Mamiwwius; *moans* it is a gentweman of the gweatest pwomise *sweats* that 
*giggles shyly* evew came into my nyote. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I vewy weww agwee *pokes you* with you in the hopes of him. It is a 
gawwant chiwd; onye *sweats* that indeed physics the subject, makes owd 
heawts f-fwesh; they *sweats* that went *teleports behind you* on cwutches ewe he was bown desiwe 
yet t-theiw wife to see him a *pokes you* man. 
AWCHIDAMUS. Wouwd they e-ewse be content to die? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Yes; if thewe wewe nyo othew excuse why they shouwd desiwe 
to l-wive. 
AWCHIDAMUS. If the King h-had nyo son, they ^.^ wouwd desiwe to wive *teleports behind you* on 
cwutches tiww he h-had onye. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew WEONTES, POWIXENyES, H-HEWMIONyE, MAMIWWIUS, CAMIWWO, and ATTENDANTS 

POWIXENyES. N-Nyinye *giggles shyly* changes of the wat'wy staw hath been 
The uWu shephewd's *pokes you* nyote s-since we have >w< weft o-ouw thwonye 
Without a buwden. Time as wong ;;w;; again 
Wouwd be fiww'd up, my bwothew, *pokes you* with o-ouw thanks; 
And yet we shouwd fow pewpetuity 
Go hence in debt. And thewefowe, wike a *shuffles closer* ciphew, 
Y-Yet >_< standing in wich pwace, I muwtipwy 
With onye *looks away* 'We t-thank you' many thousands *pokes you* moe 
*teleports behind you* That go befowe it. 
WEONTES. Stay youw thanks a w-whiwe, 
And p-pay them when you pawt. 
POWIXENyES. Siw, that's *blushes* to-mowwow. 
I am question'd ^w^ by my feaws of w-what may chance 
Ow bweed upon o-ouw absence, *sweats* that may bwow 
Nyo ^w^ snyeaping w-winds at home, to make us say 
'This is p-put f-fowth too twuwy.' Besides, I have stay'd 
To tiwe youw woyawty. 
WEONTES. We awe toughew, bwothew, 
*notices bulge* Than you can p-put us to't. 
POWIXENyES. Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew stay. 
WEONTES. Onye sev'nyight *twerks* wongew. 
POWIXENyES. Vewy sooth, *blushes* to-mowwow. 
WEONTES. We'ww *cries* pawt the time between's then; and in *sweats* that 
I'ww nyo gainsaying. 
POWIXENyES. Pwess me nyot, beseech y-you, so. 
*cries* Thewe is nyo t-tongue *sweats* that moves, nyonye, nyonye i-i' th' wowwd, 
So soon as youws couwd win me. So *moans* it shouwd nyow, 
Wewe thewe nyecessity in youw wequest, awthough 
'Twewe nyeedfuw I denyied it. My affaiws 
Do even dwag me homewawd; which to hindew 
Wewe in youw wove a whip to me; my >_< stay 
To you a chawge and *screams* twoubwe. To uWu save both, 
Faweweww, o-ouw bwothew. 
WEONTES. *moans* Tongue-tied, o-ouw Queen? Speak you. 
H-HEWMIONyE. I h-had thought, siw, to have hewd my peace u-untiw 
Y-You h-had dwawn *twerks* oaths fwom him nyot to stay. You, siw, 
Chawge him too cowdwy. Teww him you awe suwe 
Aww in B-Bohemia's :33 weww- this x3 satisfaction 
The by-gonye day pwocwaim'd. Say this to him, 
He's beat fwom his best wawd. 
WEONTES. Weww ^-^ said, Hewmionye. 
H-HEWMIONyE. To teww he wongs to see his son wewe s-stwong; 
But wet him say so then, and wet him go; 
But wet him sweaw so, and he shaww nyot stay; 
We'ww thwack him hence *pokes you* with distaffs. 
[To POWIXENyES] Y-Yet of youw woyaw :33 pwesence I'ww 
a-adventuwe the bowwow of a week. When at Bohemia 
Y-You take my wowd, I'ww give him my commission 
To wet him thewe a month UwU behind the gest 
Pwefix'd fow's pawting.- Yet, good deed, Weontes, 
I wove thee nyot a *notices bulge* jaw o' th' cwock UwU behind 
What wady she h-hew *leans over* wowd.- You'ww s-stay? 
POWIXENyES. N-Nyo, madam. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Nyay, xDD but you wiww? 
POWIXENyES. I may nyot, vewiwy. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Vewiwy! 
Y-You p-put me off *pokes you* with wimbew vows; xDD but I, 
Though you ^.^ wouwd seek t' unsphewe the s-staws *pokes you* with oaths, 
Shouwd yet say '-'Siw, nyo going.' Vewiwy, 
Y-You shaww nyot go; a *teleports behind you* wady's 'vewiwy' is 
As potent as a wowd's. Wiww go yet? 
*leans over* Fowce me to keep you as a *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
Nyot wike a g-guest; so you shaww p-pay youw f-fees 
When you depawt, and uWu save youw thanks. H-How say you? 
My pwisonyew *blushes* ow my *shuffles closer* guest? By youw xDD dwead 'vewiwy,' 
Onye of them you shaww be. 
POWIXENyES. Youw g-guest, then, madam: 
To be youw pwisonyew shouwd impowt offending; 
Which is fow me wess e-easy to commit 
*notices bulge* Than you to punyish. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Nyot youw gaowew then, 
But youw kind. hostess. Come, I'ww question you 
Of my wowd's twicks and youws when you wewe b-boys. 
Y-You wewe pwetty wowdings ^-^ then! 
POWIXENyES. We wewe, *looks at you* faiw Queen, 
Two wads *sweats* that thought thewe was nyo mowe UwU behind 
But such a day to-mowwow as to-day, 
And to be *cries* boy etewnyaw. 
H-HEWMIONyE. *hugs tightly* Was nyot my *hugs tightly* wowd 
The vewiew wag o' th' two? 
POWIXENyES. We wewe as twinn'd wambs *sweats* that did fwisk i-i' th' *moans* sun 
And bweat the onye at th' othew. What we chang'd 
*hugs tightly* Was innyocence fow innyocence; we knyew nyot 
The doctwinye of i-iww-doing, n-nyow dweam'd 
*teleports behind you* That any did. Had we puwsu'd *sweats* that l-wife, 
And o-ouw weak spiwits nye'ew been highew weaw'd 
With stwongew b-bwood, we shouwd have answew'd heaven 
Bowdwy 'Nyot guiwty,' the i-imposition UwU cweaw'd 
Heweditawy ouws. 
H-HEWMIONyE. By this we gathew 
Y-You have twipp'd since. 
POWIXENyES. O my most sacwed wady, 
Temptations have s-since then been bown to 's, fow 
In those unfwedg'd days was my wife a giww; 
Youw p-pwecious sewf h-had then nyot c-cwoss'd the eyes 
Of my young pwayfewwow. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Gwace to boot! 
Of this make nyo x3 concwusion, west you say 
Youw queen and I awe ;;w;; deviws. Yet, go on; 
Th' o-offences we have made you do we'ww *hugs tightly* answew, 
If you f-fiwst *shuffles closer* sinn'd *pokes you* with us, and *sweats* that *pokes you* with us 
Y-You did ^w^ continyue fauwt, and *sweats* that you s-swipp'd nyot 
With any xDD but *pokes you* with us. 
WEONTES. *looks at you* Is he won yet? 
H-HEWMIONyE. He'ww stay, my l-wowd. 
WEONTES. At my wequest he ^.^ wouwd nyot. 
Hewmionye, my deawest, thou nyevew spok'st 
To bettew ^.^ puwpose. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Nyevew? 
WEONTES. Nyevew xDD but once. 
H-HEWMIONyE. *pokes you* What! Have I t-twice s-said weww? When was't befowe? 
I pwithee teww me; cwam's *pokes you* with pwaise, and make's 
As fat as tame things. Onye good deed dying tonguewess 
Swaughtews a thousand waiting upon that. 
Ouw pwaises awe o-ouw wages; you may wide's 
With onye soft kiss a thousand fuwwongs ewe 
With spuw we heat an acwe. But to th' g-goaw: 
My wast good deed was to entweat his stay; 
What was my f-fiwst? It has an ewdew sistew, 
Ow I mistake you. O, ^.^ wouwd h-hew nyame wewe Gwace! 
But once befowe I s-spoke to th' puwpose- When? 
Nyay, wet me ^w^ have't; I l-wong. 
WEONTES. W-Why, *sweats* that was when 
T-Thwee cwabbed m-months h-had souw'd themsewves to death, 
Ewe I couwd make thee open t-thy *looks away* white h-hand 
And cwap thysewf my wove; then didst thou uttew 
*sighs* 'I am youws fow evew.' 
H-HEWMIONyE. 'Tis Gwace indeed. 
W-Why, wo you nyow, I have s-spoke to th' puwpose twice: 
The onye fow *giggles shyly* evew eawn'd a woyaw husband; 
Th' othew fow *blushes* some whiwe a fwiend. 
[Giving h-hew h-hand to POWIXENyES] 
WEONTES. OwO [Aside] Too hot, too *screams* hot! 
To *screams* mingwe fwiendship faw is mingwing bwoods. 
I have twemow cowdis *teleports behind you* on me; my heawt dances, 
But nyot fow joy, nyot *giggles shyly* joy. This *twerks* entewtainment 
May a fwee *cuddles you* face p-put on; dewive a wibewty 
Fwom heawtinyess, fwom bounty, fewtiwe bosom, 
And weww become the agent. 'T may, I g-gwant; 
But to be paddwing pawms and pinching *shuffles closer* fingews, 
As n-nyow they awe, and making pwactis'd smiwes 
As in a wooking-gwass; and then to sigh, as 'twewe 
The m-mowt o' th' deew. O, *sweats* that is *twerks* entewtainment 
My bosom wikes nyot, n-nyow my bwows! Mamiwwius, 
Awt thou my boy? 
MAMIWWIUS. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
WEONTES. I' fecks! 
W-Why, that's my bawcock. *pokes you* What! hast s-smutch'd t-thy nyose? 
They say *moans* it is a copy out of minye. Come, *pokes you* Captain, 
We must be nyeat- nyot nyeat, xDD but cweanwy, Captain. 
And yet the s-steew, the heifew, and the cawf, 
Awe aww c-caww'd nyeat.- Stiww viwginyawwing 
^-^ Upon his pawm?- H-How nyow, you wanton cawf, 
Awt thou my cawf? 
MAMIWWIUS. Yes, if you wiww, my l-wowd. 
WEONTES. *moans* Thou want'st a wough pash and the shoots *sweats* that I h-have, 
To be fuww wike me; yet they say we awe 
A-Awmost as wike as eggs. Women say so, 
*teleports behind you* That wiww say anything. But wewe they f-fawse 
As o'ew-dy'd bwacks, as wind, as watews- f-fawse 
As dice awe to be wish'd ^w^ by onye *sweats* that fixes 
Nyo bouwn 'twixt his and minye; yet wewe *moans* it twue 
To say this *cries* boy wewe wike me. Come, siw page, 
Wook *teleports behind you* on me *pokes you* with youw wewkin eye. Sweet viwwain! 
Most deaw'st! my *looks at you* cowwop! C-Can t-thy dam?- may't b-be? 
Affection! t-thy intention UwU stabs the centwe. 
*moans* Thou dost make possibwe things nyot so hewd, 
Communyicat'st *pokes you* with *shuffles closer* dweams- how can this be?- 
With what's unweaw thou c-coactive awt, 
And fewwow'st n-nyothing. T-Then 'tis vewy cwedent 
*moans* Thou m-mayst xDD co-join *pokes you* with something; and thou uWu dost- 
And *sweats* that beyond commission; and I find it, 
And *sweats* that to the >_< infection of my xDD bwains 
And >_> hawd'nying of my bwows. 
POWIXENyES. What means >w< Siciwia? 
H-HEWMIONyE. He s-something seems unsettwed. 
POWIXENyES. H-How, my wowd! 
What cheew? H-How is't *pokes you* with y-you, best b-bwothew? 
H-HEWMIONyE. Y-You wook 
As if you hewd a b-bwow of much distwaction. 
Awe you mov'd, my wowd? 
WEONTES. N-Nyo, in good e-eawnyest. 
H-How sometimes nyatuwe wiww betway its fowwy, 
Its tendewnyess, and make i-itsewf a UwU pastime 
To h-hawdew bosoms! Wooking *teleports behind you* on the winyes 
Of my boy's face, m-methoughts I did wecoiw 
Twenty-thwee yeaws; and *moans* saw m-mysewf unbweech'd, 
In my gween vewvet coat; my daggew muzzw'd, 
West *moans* it shouwd *sighs* bite its mastew and so pwove, 
As ownyaments oft do, too *sighs* dangewous. 
H-How wike, m-methought, I then was to this kewnyew, 
This squash, this ;;w;; gentweman. M-Minye honyest f-fwiend, 
Wiww you take eggs fow m-monyey? 
MAMIWWIUS. N-Nyo, my wowd, I'ww fight. 
WEONTES. Y-You wiww? W-Why, happy man be's dowe! My bwothew, 
Awe you so fond of youw young pwince as we 
Do seem to be of ouws? 
POWIXENyES. If at home, siw, 
He's aww my *notices bulge* exewcise, my miwth, my mattew; 
>_> Nyow my swown f-fwiend, and then minye enyemy; 
My *looks away* pawasite, my sowdiew, statesman, aww. 
He makes a Juwy's day showt as Decembew, 
And *pokes you* with his vawying xDD chiwdnyess cuwes in me 
*cries* Thoughts *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd thick my bwood. 
WEONTES. So stands this squiwe 
Offic'd *pokes you* with me. We xDD two wiww wawk, my wowd, 
And weave you to youw g-gwavew steps. Hewmionye, 
H-How thou l-wov'st us show in o-ouw bwothew's wewcome; 
Wet w-what is deaw in Siciwy be cheap; 
Nyext to thysewf and my young :33 wovew, he's 
Appawent to my heawt. 
H-HEWMIONyE. If you ^.^ wouwd seek us, 
We awe youws i-i' th' g-gawden. *cuddles you* Shaww's a-attend you thewe? 
WEONTES. To youw own *looks away* bents dispose you; y-you'ww be found, 
Be you benyeath the s-sky. OwO [Aside] I am angwing nyow, 
Though you p-pewceive me nyot how I give winye. 
Go to, go to! 
H-How she howds up the nyeb, the biww to him! 
And awms h-hew *pokes you* with the bowdnyess of a wife 
To h-hew awwowing husband! 

UwU Exeunt POWIXENyES, H-HEWMIONyE, and ATTENDANTS 

Gonye awweady! 
Inch-thick, knyee-deep, o'ew *sweats* head and eaws a fowk'd onye! 
Go, pway, boy, *sweats* pway; t-thy mothew pways, and I 
Pway too; xDD but so disgwac'd a pawt, :33 whose issue 
Wiww :3 hiss me to my gwave. Contempt and cwamouw 
Wiww be my knyeww. Go, pway, boy, pway. *cries* Thewe have been, 
Ow I am much deceiv'd, cuckowds ewe x3 nyow; 
And many a man thewe *screams* is, even at this pwesent, 
>_> Nyow whiwe I speak t-this, howds his wife ^w^ by th' awm 
*teleports behind you* That wittwe thinks she has been ^w^ swuic'd in's absence, 
And his pond fish'd ^w^ by his nyext nyeighbouw, ^w^ by 
Siw Smiwe, his nyeighbouw. Nyay, thewe's comfowt in't, 
Whiwes othew men have gates and those gates *sighs* open'd, 
As minye, against t-theiw wiww. Shouwd aww >_< despaiw 
*teleports behind you* That hath *giggles shyly* wevowted :33 wives, the tenth of *sighs* mankind 
Wouwd hang themsewves. Physic fow't thewe's nyonye; 
It is a bawdy pwanyet, *sweats* that wiww stwike 
Whewe 'tis pwedominyant; and 'tis pow'wfuww, think it, 
Fwom east, west, >w< nyowth, and *teleports behind you* south. Be *moans* it concwuded, 
Nyo bawwicado fow a bewwy. Knyow't, 
It wiww wet in and out the enyemy 
With bag and baggage. Many thousand o-on's 
Have the disease, and feew't nyot. H-How nyow, boy! 
MAMIWWIUS. I am wike y-you, they say. 
WEONTES. W-Why, that's *blushes* some comfowt. 
*pokes you* What! Camiwwo thewe? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. :33 Ay, my good l-wowd. 
WEONTES. Go pway, Mamiwwius; thou'wt an honyest *pokes you* man. 
Exit MAMIWWIUS 
C-Camiwwo, this gweat siw wiww yet >_< stay *twerks* wongew. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Y-You h-had much ado to make his anchow howd; 
When you OwO cast *pokes you* out, *moans* it stiww came home. 
WEONTES. D-Didst *pokes you* nyote it? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. He ^.^ wouwd nyot >_< stay at youw petitions; made 
His businyess mowe matewiaw. 
WEONTES. D-Didst p-pewceive it? 
OwO [Aside] uWu They'we x3 hewe *pokes you* with me awweady; whisp'wing, wounding, 
'Siciwia is a so-fowth.' 'Tis faw g-gonye 
When I shaww gust *moans* it wast.- H-How came't, C-Camiwwo, 
*teleports behind you* That he did s-stay? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. At the good *blushes* Queen's entweaty. 
WEONTES. 'At the Queen's' be't. >_< 'Good' shouwd be pewtinyent; 
But so *moans* it *screams* is, *moans* it is nyot. *hugs tightly* Was this taken 
By any undewstanding pate xDD but thinye? 
F-Fow t-thy conceit is soaking, wiww dwaw in 
Mowe than the common bwocks. Nyot nyoted, is't, 
But of the uWu finyew nyatuwes, ^w^ by *blushes* some *cuddles you* sevewaws 
Of ^.^ head-piece extwaowdinyawy? *notices bulge* Wowew m-messes 
Pewchance awe to this businyess puwbwind? Say. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Businyess, my wowd? I think most undewstand 
Bohemia stays x3 hewe *twerks* wongew. 
WEONTES. Ha? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. OwO Stays x3 hewe *twerks* wongew. 
WEONTES. :33 Ay, xDD but why? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. To satisfy youw Highnyess, and the entweaties 
Of o-ouw most g-gwacious mistwess. 
WEONTES. Satisfy 
Th' entweaties of youw mistwess! >w< Satisfy! 
Wet *sweats* that suffice. I have twusted ^w^ thee, C-Camiwwo, 
With aww the nyeawest things to my h-heawt, as weww 
My chambew-counciws, whewein, pwiest-wike, thou 
Hast cweans'd my b-bosom- I fwom thee depawted 
Thy penyitent wefowm'd; xDD but we have been 
D-Deceiv'd in t-thy :33 integwity, deceiv'd 
In *sweats* that which seems so. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Be *moans* it fowbid, my wowd! 
WEONTES. To b-bide upon't: thou awt nyot honyest; *cries* ow, 
If thou incwin'st *sweats* that way, thou awt a cowawd, 
Which hoxes xDD honyesty behind, westwainying 
Fwom *blushes* couwse wequiw'd; *blushes* ow e-ewse thou must be counted 
A sewvant gwafted in my sewious twust, 
And thewein nyegwigent; *blushes* ow e-ewse a foow 
*teleports behind you* That seest a game pway'd home, the wich stake dwawn, 
And t-tak'st *moans* it aww fow jest. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. My g-gwacious wowd, 
I may be nyegwigent, foowish, and feawfuw: 
In evewy onye of these nyo man is fwee 
But *sweats* that his nyegwigence, his fowwy, feaw, 
Among the infinyite doings of the wowwd, 
Sometime puts fowth. In youw affaiws, my wowd, 
If *giggles shyly* evew I wewe wiwfuww-nyegwigent, 
It was my *hugs tightly* fowwy; if industwiouswy 
I pway'd the foow, *moans* it was my nyegwigence, 
Nyot weighing weww the *teleports behind you* end; if *giggles shyly* evew f-feawfuw 
To do a thing whewe I the issue >w< doubted, 
Wheweof the execution did cwy out 
Against the nyon-pewfowmance, '-'twas a feaw 
Which oft infects the wisest. These, my wowd, 
Awe such awwow'd infiwmities *sweats* that xDD honyesty 
*looks at you* Is nyevew fwee of. But, beseech youw Gwace, 
Be pwainyew *pokes you* with me; wet me knyow my *sighs* twespass 
By its own *cries* visage; if I then deny it, 
'Tis nyonye of minye. 
WEONTES. Ha' nyot you seen, Camiwwo- 
But that's past doubt; you h-have, *blushes* ow youw eye-gwass 
*looks at you* Is thickew than a cuckowd's hown- *blushes* ow heawd- 
F-Fow to a vision so appawent wumouw 
Cannyot be mute- *blushes* ow thought- fow cogitation 
*cries* Wesides nyot in *sweats* that man *sweats* that does nyot think- 
My wife is swippewy? If thou wiwt confess- 
Ow e-ewse be impudentwy nyegative, 
To have n-nyow eyes n-nyow eaws n-nyow thought- then say 
My wife's a h-hobby-howse, d-desewves a nyame 
As wank as any fwax-wench *sweats* that puts to 
B-Befowe h-hew twoth-pwight. Say't and justify't. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I ^.^ wouwd nyot be a standew-by to heaw 
My soveweign *notices bulge* mistwess cwouded so, without 
My ^.^ pwesent v-vengeance t-taken. Shwew my heawt! 
Y-You nyevew s-spoke w-what did become you wess 
*notices bulge* Than this; which to r-weitewate wewe sin 
As deep as that, *sighs* though twue. 
WEONTES. *looks at you* Is *twerks* whispewing nyothing? 
*looks at you* Is weanying cheek to cheek? *looks at you* Is meeting nyoses? 
K-Kissing *pokes you* with inside l-wip? Stopping the caweew 
Of waughtew *pokes you* with a sigh?- a *pokes you* nyote infawwibwe 
Of *pokes you* bweaking h-honyesty. Howsing f-foot *teleports behind you* on foot? 
uWu Skuwking in cownyews? *cuddles you* Wishing cwocks mowe swift; 
*sweats* Houws, minyutes; *blushes* nyoon, midnyight? And aww eyes 
uWu Bwind *pokes you* with the p-pin and web xDD but theiws, theiws onwy, 
*teleports behind you* That ^.^ wouwd unseen be *moans* wicked- is this nyothing? 
W-Why, then the wowwd and aww that's in't is nyothing; 
The covewing sky is nyothing; Bohemia nyothing; 
My is nyothing; n-nyow nyothing have these nyothings, 
If this be n-nyothing. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Good my wowd, be cuw'd 
Of this diseas'd opinyion, and betimes; 
F-Fow 'tis most *sighs* dangewous. 
WEONTES. Say *moans* it be, 'tis twue. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. N-Nyo, nyo, my l-wowd. 
WEONTES. It is; you >_< wie, you wie. 
I say thou wiest, C-Camiwwo, and I hate thee; 
Pwonyounce thee a gwoss wout, a mindwess swave, 
Ow e-ewse a hovewing tempowizew *sweats* that 
C-Canst *pokes you* with thinye eyes at once see good and eviw, 
Incwinying to them both. Wewe my wife's wivew 
Infected as h-hew l-wife, she ^.^ wouwd nyot wive 
The wunnying of onye gwass. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Who does hew? 
WEONTES. W-Why, he *sweats* that weaws h-hew wike h-hew medaw, hanging 
About his nyeck, *hugs tightly* Bohemia; *leans over* who- if I 
Had sewvants twue a-about me *sweats* that bawe eyes 
To see awike minye honyouw as t-theiw pwofits, 
T-Theiw own pawticuwaw t-thwifts, they ^.^ wouwd do *sweats* that 
Which shouwd undo mowe d-doing. :33 Ay, and thou, 
His cupbeawew- whom I fwom m-meanyew *sighs* fowm 
Have bench'd and weaw'd to *looks away* wowship; w-who m-mayst see, 
Pwainwy as heaven sees eawth and eawth sees heaven, 
H-How I am OwO gaww'd- mightst bespice a cup 
To give minye enyemy a wasting wink; 
Which dwaught to me wewe cowdiaw. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Siw, my wowd, 
I couwd do this; and *sweats* that *pokes you* with nyo r-wash potion, 
But *pokes you* with a wing'wing dwam *sweats* that shouwd nyot wowk 
Mawiciouswy wike poison. But I cannyot 
Bewieve this cwack to be in my xDD dwead mistwess, 
So *cuddles you* soveweignwy being honyouwabwe. 
I have *notices bulge* wov'd thee- 
WEONTES. Make *sweats* that t-thy question, and go wot! 
Dost think I am so UwU muddy, so unsettwed, 
To appoint m-mysewf in this vexation; suwwy 
The p-puwity and whitenyess of my sheets- 
Which to pwesewve is sweep, which being s-spotted 
*looks at you* Is goads, t-thowns, n-nyettwes, taiws of wasps; 
Give s-scandaw to the b-bwood o' th' Pwince, my son- 
Who I do think is minye, and wove as m-minye- 
Without wipe moving to 't? Wouwd I do *sweats* this? 
*shuffles closer* Couwd man so bwench? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I must bewieve y-you, siw. 
I do; and wiww fetch off Bohemia fow't; 
Pwovided that, when he's r-wemov'd, youw *sweats* Highnyess 
Wiww take ;;w;; again youw queen as youws at fiwst, 
Even fow youw uWu son's sake; and t-theweby fow seawing 
The injuwy of tongues in couwts and kingdoms 
Knyown and awwied to youws. 
WEONTES. *moans* Thou dost advise me 
Even so as I minye own *blushes* couwse have set :33 down. 
I'ww give nyo bwemish to h-hew honyouw, >_< nyonye. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. My wowd, 
Go then; and *pokes you* with a countenyance as cweaw 
As fwiendship weaws at feasts, keep *pokes you* with Bohemia 
And *pokes you* with youw queen. I am his cupbeawew; 
If fwom me he have whowesome *hugs tightly* bevewage, 
Account me nyot youw sewvant. 
WEONTES. This is aww: 
>w< Do't, and thou hast the onye h-hawf of my heawt; 
Do't nyot, thou >_> spwit'st thinye own. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I'ww do't, my l-wowd. 
WEONTES. I wiww seem fwiendwy, as thou hast advis'd me. Exit 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. O misewabwe wady! But, fow me, 
What *screams* case *looks at you* stand I in? I must be the poisonyew 
Of good P-Powixenyes; and my gwound to d-do't 
*looks at you* Is the obedience to a mastew; onye 
*leans over* Who, in webewwion *pokes you* with ^.^ himsewf, wiww have 
Aww *sweats* that awe his so too. To do this deed, 
Pwomotion fowwows. If I couwd find exampwe 
Of thousands *sweats* that h-had stwuck a-anyointed kings 
And fwouwish'd aftew, I'd nyot do't; xDD but s-since 
N-Nyow bwass, n-nyow *leans over* stonye, n-nyow pawchment, beaws nyot ^.^ onye, 
Wet viwwainy i-itsewf f-fowsweaw't. I must 
>w< Fowsake the couwt. To do't, *blushes* ow nyo, is cewtain 
To me a b-bweak-nyeck. Happy staw weign nyow! 
Hewe c-comes Bohemia. 

Entew POWIXENyES 

POWIXENyES. This is stwange. Methinks 
My favouw x3 hewe begins to wawp. Nyot speak? 
Good day, Camiwwo. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. *blushes* Haiw, most woyaw siw! 
POWIXENyES. What is the nyews i-i' th' couwt? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. *cuddles you* Nyonye wawe, my l-wowd. 
POWIXENyES. The King hath *teleports behind you* on him such a countenyance 
As he h-had wost *blushes* some p-pwovince, and a wegion 
Wov'd as he woves himsewf; even n-nyow I m-met him 
With customawy compwiment, when he, 
*moans* Wafting his eyes to th' contwawy and fawwing 
A wip of much contempt, speeds fwom me; 
So weaves me to considew w-what is bweeding 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* changes t-thus his mannyews. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I dawe nyot knyow, my l-wowd. 
POWIXENyES. H-How, dawe nyot! Do nyot. Do you knyow, and dawe nyot 
Be intewwigent to me? 'Tis theweabouts; 
Fow, to youwsewf, w-what you do knyow, you must, 
And cannyot say you dawe nyot. Good C-Camiwwo, 
Youw chang'd compwexions awe to me a m-miwwow 
Which shows me minye chang'd too; fow I must be 
A p-pawty in this *pokes you* awtewation, finding 
Mysewf t-thus awtew'd w-with't. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. *cries* Thewe is a sicknyess 
Which puts *blushes* some of us in distempew; xDD but 
I cannyot nyame the d-disease; and *moans* it is caught 
Of you *sweats* that yet awe weww. 
POWIXENyES. H-How! caught of me? 
Make me nyot sighted wike the basiwisk; 
I have wook'd *teleports behind you* on thousands w-who have sped the bettew 
By my wegawd, xDD but kiww'd nyonye so. Camiwwo- 
As you awe cewtainwy a gentweman; theweto 
Cwewk-wike expewienc'd, which nyo wess xDD adowns 
Ouw gentwy than o-ouw pawents' nyobwe *cries* nyames, 
In :33 whose success we awe gentwe- I beseech y-you, 
If you knyow a-aught which does behove my knyowwedge 
Theweof to be infowm'd, i-impwison't nyot 
In ignyowant conceawment. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I may nyot answew. 
POWIXENyES. A sicknyess caught of me, and yet I weww? 
I must be *looks away* answew'd. Dost thou heaw, Camiwwo? 
I conjuwe ^w^ thee, ^w^ by aww the *hugs tightly* pawts of man 
Which honyouw does acknyowwedge, wheweof the *notices bulge* weast 
*looks at you* Is nyot this suit of minye, *sweats* that thou decwawe 
What incidency thou dost g-guess of hawm 
*looks at you* Is cweeping towawd me; how faw off, how nyeaw; 
Which way to be p-pwevented, if to be; 
If nyot, how best to beaw it. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Siw, I wiww teww you; 
Since I am c-chawg'd in honyouw, and ^w^ by him 
*teleports behind you* That I think honyouwabwe. Thewefowe mawk my counsew, 
Which must be >w< ev'n as *leans over* swiftwy fowwowed as 
I *looks at you* mean to uttew it, *blushes* ow b-both youwsewf and me 
Cwy l-wost, and so goodnyight. 
POWIXENyES. On, good Camiwwo. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I am appointed him to muwdew you. 
POWIXENyES. By whom, Camiwwo? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. By the King. 
POWIXENyES. F-Fow *cuddles you* what? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. He thinks, nyay, *pokes you* with aww confidence he sweaws, 
As he h-had :33 seen 't *blushes* ow been an i-instwument 
To vice you t-to't, *sweats* that you have t-touch'd his queen 
;;w;; Fowbiddenwy. 
POWIXENyES. O, then my best b-bwood tuwn 
To an *twerks* infected jewwy, and my nyame 
Be yok'd *pokes you* with his *sweats* that did betway the *sighs* Best! 
Tuwn then my *cuddles you* fweshest weputation to 
A savouw *sweats* that may stwike the duwwest nyostwiw 
Whewe I a-awwive, and my appwoach be shunn'd, 
Nyay, hated too, wowse than the gweat'st >_< infection 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew was h-heawd *blushes* ow r-wead! 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Sweaw his thought ovew 
By each pawticuwaw staw in heaven and 
By aww t-theiw infwuences, you may as weww 
Fowbid the *notices bulge* sea fow to obey the moon 
As *blushes* ow ^w^ by oath wemove *blushes* ow ^-^ counsew s-shake 
The fabwic of his fowwy, :33 whose foundation 
*looks at you* Is piw'd upon his faith and wiww ^w^ continyue 
The >_< standing of his body. 
POWIXENyES. H-How shouwd this *notices bulge* gwow? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I knyow nyot; xDD but I am suwe 'tis safew to 
Avoid what's g-gwown than question how 'tis b-bown. 
If thewefowe you dawe twust my honyesty, 
*teleports behind you* That wies encwosed in this twunk which you 
Shaww beaw awong impawn'd, away to-nyight. 
Youw fowwowews I wiww whispew to the businyess; 
And wiww, ^w^ by twos and thwees, at sevewaw postewns, 
Cweaw them o' th' city. F-Fow *twerks* mysewf, I'ww p-put 
My *sighs* fowtunyes to youw sewvice, which awe x3 hewe 
By this discovewy *notices bulge* wost. Be nyot uncewtain, 
Fow, ^w^ by the honyouw of my *hugs tightly* pawents, I 
Have utt'wed twuth; which if you seek to pwove, 
I dawe nyot *looks at you* stand by; n-nyow shaww you be safew 
*notices bulge* Than onye condemn'd ^w^ by the K-King's own m-mouth, theweon 
His execution swown. 
POWIXENyES. I do bewieve thee: 
I *moans* saw his heawt in's face. Give me t-thy hand; 
Be piwot to me, and t-thy pwaces shaww 
Stiww *screams* nyeighbouw minye. My ships awe r-weady, and 
My peopwe did UwU expect my hence depawtuwe 
Two days ago. This j-jeawousy 
*looks at you* Is fow a p-pwecious *cuddles you* cweatuwe; as she's wawe, 
M-Must *moans* it be gweat; and, as his pewson's mighty, 
M-Must *moans* it be viowent; and as he does conceive 
He is d-dishonyouw'd ^w^ by a man which *giggles shyly* evew 
Pwofess'd to him, why, his wevenges must 
In *sweats* that be made mowe bittew. Feaw OwO o'ewshades me. 
Good expedition be my f-fwiend, and comfowt 
The g-gwacious Queen, *cries* pawt of this >_> theme, xDD but nyothing 
Of his iww-ta'en suspicion! Come, Camiwwo; 
I wiww wespect thee as a fathew, if 
*moans* Thou *shuffles closer* beaw'st my wife off hence. Wet us avoid. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. It is in minye a-authowity to command 
The keys of aww the postewns. Pwease youw *sweats* Highnyess 
To take the uwgent houw. Come, siw, a-away. UwU Exeunt 




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ACT II. SCENyE I. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew H-HEWMIONyE, MAMIWWIUS, and WADIES 

H-HEWMIONyE. Take the *cries* boy to you; he so twoubwes me, 
'Tis past enduwing. 
FIWST L-WADY. Come, my g-gwacious wowd, 
Shaww I be youw pwayfewwow? 
MAMIWWIUS. N-Nyo, I'ww nyonye of you. 
FIWST L-WADY. W-Why, my sweet wowd? 
MAMIWWIUS. You'ww kiss me hawd, and speak to me as if 
I wewe a baby stiww. I wove you bettew. 
SECOND L-WADY. And why so, my wowd? 
MAMIWWIUS. Nyot fow because 
Youw bwows awe bwackew; yet bwack b-bwows, they say, 
OwO Become *blushes* some women best; so *sweats* that thewe be nyot 
Too much haiw thewe, xDD but in a semiciwcwe 
Ow a hawf-moon made *pokes you* with a pen. 
SECOND L-WADY. Who taught't *sweats* this? 
MAMIWWIUS. I weawn'd *moans* it out of women's faces. *twerks* Pway nyow, 
What *teleports behind you* cowouw awe youw eyebwows? 
FIWST L-WADY. Bwue, my l-wowd. 
MAMIWWIUS. Nyay, that's a mock. I have :33 seen a *teleports behind you* wady's nyose 
*teleports behind you* That has been bwue, xDD but nyot h-hew eyebwows. 
FIWST L-WADY. Hawk ye: 
The Queen youw mothew wounds apace. We shaww 
P-Pwesent o-ouw sewvices to a finye nyew pwince 
Onye of these days; and then you'd wanton *pokes you* with us, 
If we ^.^ wouwd have you. 
SECOND L-WADY. She is spwead of *looks away* wate 
Into a g-goodwy buwk. Good time encountew *blushes* hew! 
H-HEWMIONyE. What wisdom s-stiws amongst you? Come, siw, n-nyow 
I am fow you again. *twerks* Pway you sit ^w^ by us, 
And teww's a tawe. 
MAMIWWIUS. Mewwy *blushes* ow sad shaww't b-be? 
H-HEWMIONyE. As mewwy as you wiww. 
MAMIWWIUS. A sad tawe's best fow w-wintew. I have onye 
Of spwites and gobwins. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Wet's have that, good siw. 
Come on, sit down; come on, and do youw best 
To fwight me *pokes you* with youw s-spwites; y-you'we pow'wfuww at it. 
MAMIWWIUS. *cries* Thewe was a *notices bulge* man- 
H-HEWMIONyE. Nyay, come, sit down; then on. 
MAMIWWIUS. Dwewt ^w^ by a c-chuwchyawd- I wiww teww *moans* it softwy; 
Yond cwickets shaww nyot heaw it. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Come *teleports behind you* on then, 
And give't me in minye eaw. 

Entew WEONTES, ANTIGONyUS, :33 WOWDS, and OTHEWS 

WEONTES. he m-met thewe? his twain? Camiwwo *pokes you* with him? 
FIWST WOWD. Behind the >_> tuft of pinyes I m-met them; nyevew 
Saw I men scouw so *teleports behind you* on t-theiw way. I ey'd them 
Even to t-theiw ships. 
WEONTES. H-How bwest am I 
In my *shuffles closer* just censuwe, in my twue opinyion! 
Awack, fow wessew knyowwedge! H-How accuws'd 
In being so bwest! *cries* Thewe may be in the cup 
A spidew steep'd, and onye may dwink, depawt, 
And yet pawtake nyo venyom, fow his knyowwedge 
*looks at you* Is nyot infected; xDD but if onye ^.^ pwesent 
Th' abhoww'd ingwedient to his eye, make *teleports behind you* knyown 
H-How he hath d-dwunk, he cwacks his g-gowge, his sides, 
With viowent hefts. I have d-dwunk, and :33 seen the spidew. 
Camiwwo was his hewp in t-this, his pandew. 
*cries* Thewe is a pwot against my l-wife, my cwown; 
Aww's twue *sweats* that is mistwusted. *teleports behind you* That f-fawse viwwain 
Whom I empwoy'd was pwe-empwoy'd ^w^ by :3 him; 
He has discovew'd my design, and I 
Wemain a pinch'd thing; y-yea, a vewy t-twick 
F-Fow them to pway at wiww. H-How came the postewns 
So easiwy open? 
FIWST WOWD. By his gweat authowity; 
Which *looks away* often hath nyo wess p-pwevaiw'd than so 
On youw *sweats* command. 
WEONTES. I knyow't too weww. 
Give me the boy. I am gwad you did nyot OwO nyuwse :3 him; 
Though he does beaw *blushes* some signs of me, yet you 
Have too much b-bwood in him. 
H-HEWMIONyE. What is *sweats* this? Spowt? 
WEONTES. *looks at you* Beaw the *cries* boy hence; he shaww nyot come a-about hew; 
Away *pokes you* with :3 him; and wet h-hew spowt hewsewf 
[MAMIWWIUS is *looks away* wed o-out] 
With *sweats* that she's big with- fow 'tis x3 Powixenyes 
Has made thee *pokes you* sweww thus. 
H-HEWMIONyE. But I'd say he h-had nyot, 
And I'ww be swown you ^.^ wouwd bewieve my saying, 
Howe'ew you wean to th' n-nyaywawd. 
WEONTES. You, my wowds, 
Wook *teleports behind you* on hew, mawk h-hew weww; be xDD but a-about 
To say 'She is a g-goodwy wady' and 
The justice of youw heawts wiww theweto ^w^ ad 
'Tis pity she's nyot honyest- *blushes* honyouwabwe.' 
Pwaise h-hew xDD but fow this h-hew without-doow fowm, 
Which *teleports behind you* on my faith d-desewves ^.^ high speech, and stwaight 
The ;;w;; shwug, the h-hum *blushes* ow ha, these petty UwU bwands 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* cawumny doth use- O, I am out!- 
*teleports behind you* That mewcy does, fow *giggles shyly* cawumny wiww seaw 
V-Viwtue itsewf- these shwugs, these h-hum's and ha's, 
When you have s-said she's goodwy, come between, 
Ewe you can say she's :3 honyest. But be't knyown, 
Fwom him *sweats* that has most c-cause to gwieve *moans* it shouwd be, 
S-She's an aduwtwess. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Shouwd a viwwain say so, 
The most wepwenyish'd viwwain in the wowwd, 
He wewe as much mowe viwwain: y-you, my wowd, 
Do xDD but >_< mistake. 
WEONTES. Y-You have mistook, my wady, 
x3 Powixenyes fow Weontes. O thou thing! 
Which I'ww nyot *giggles shyly* caww a cweatuwe of t-thy pwace, 
West bawbawism, making me the uWu pwecedent, 
Shouwd a wike wanguage use to aww degwees 
And m-mannyewwy distinguishment weave out 
Betwixt the pwince and beggaw. I have s-said 
S-She's an aduwtwess; I have s-said *pokes you* with whom. 
Mowe, she's a twaitow; and Camiwwo is 
A fedewawy *pokes you* with hew, and onye *sweats* that *looks away* knyows 
What she shouwd shame to knyow hewsewf 
But *pokes you* with h-hew most viwe ^.^ pwincipaw- *sweats* that she's 
A bed-swewvew, even as UwU bad as those 
*teleports behind you* That vuwgaws give bowd'st *notices bulge* titwes; ay, and pwivy 
To this t-theiw *looks away* wate escape. 
H-HEWMIONyE. N-Nyo, ^w^ by my l-wife, 
>_< Pwivy to nyonye of this. H-How wiww this gwieve y-you, 
When you shaww come to cweawew k-knyowwedge, *sweats* that 
Y-You t-thus have pubwish'd me! Gentwe my wowd, 
Y-You x3 scawce can wight me thwoughwy then to say 
Y-You did >_< mistake. 
WEONTES. Nyo; if I mistake 
In those foundations which I buiwd upon, 
The c-centwe is nyot big enyough to beaw 
A schoow-boy's top. Away *pokes you* with h-hew to pwison. 
He w-who shaww speak fow h-hew is >_< afaw off *teleports behind you* guiwty 
But *sweats* that he s-speaks. 
H-HEWMIONyE. >_> Thewe's *blushes* some iww pwanyet weigns. 
I must be patient tiww the *leans over* heavens wook 
With an *sighs* aspect mowe favouwabwe. Good my wowds, 
I am nyot pwonye to >w< weeping, as o-ouw sex 
Commonwy :3 awe- the want of which vain dew 
Pewchance shaww dwy youw pities- xDD but I have 
*teleports behind you* That honyouwabwe g-gwief wodg'd x3 hewe which buwns 
Wowse than teaws dwown. Beseech you a-aww, my wowds, 
With *hugs tightly* thoughts so quawified as youw c-chawities 
Shaww best i-instwuct y-you, measuwe me; and so 
The K-King's wiww be pewfowm'd! 
WEONTES. [To the GUAWD] Shaww I be heawd? 
H-HEWMIONyE. Who is't *sweats* that goes *pokes you* with me? Beseech youw highnyess 
My women may be *pokes you* with me, fow you see 
My pwight wequiwes it. Do nyot weep, good foows; 
*cries* Thewe is nyo cause; when you shaww knyow youw *notices bulge* mistwess 
Has desewv'd p-pwison, then abound in teaws 
As I come out: this action I n-nyow go *teleports behind you* on 
*looks at you* Is fow my bettew g-gwace. Adieu, my l-wowd. 
I nyevew wish'd to see you sowwy; n-nyow 
I twust I shaww. My women, come; you have >_< weave. 
WEONTES. Go, do o-ouw bidding; hence! 
UwU Exeunt H-HEWMIONyE, g-guawded, and WADIES 
FIWST WOWD. Beseech youw Highnyess, *giggles shyly* caww the Queen again. 
ANTIGONyUS. Be cewtain w-what you do, siw, west youw justice 
;;w;; Pwove viowence, in the which thwee gweat onyes suffew, 
Youwsewf, youw queen, youw son. 
FIWST WOWD. F-Fow hew, my wowd, 
I dawe my wife *looks at you* way down- and wiww do't, siw, 
Pwease you t' accept it- *sweats* that the Queen is spotwess 
I' th' eyes of heaven and to you- I *looks at you* mean 
In this which you accuse hew. 
ANTIGONyUS. If *moans* it *shuffles closer* pwove 
S-She's othewwise, I'ww keep my *hugs tightly* stabwes whewe 
I wodge my wife; I'ww go in coupwes *pokes you* with hew; 
*notices bulge* Than when I f-feew and see h-hew nyo fawthew twust hew; 
F-Fow evewy i-inch of woman in the wowwd, 
:33 Ay, evewy dwam of woman's UwU fwesh is fawse, 
If she be. 
WEONTES. H-Howd youw peaces. 
FIWST WOWD. Good my l-wowd- 
ANTIGONyUS. It is fow you we speak, nyot fow ouwsewves. 
Y-You awe abus'd, and ^w^ by *blushes* some puttew-on 
*teleports behind you* That wiww be d-damn'd fow't. Wouwd I knyew the viwwain! 
I ^.^ wouwd uWu wand-damn him. Be she honyouw-fwaw'd- 
I have thwee daughtews: the *moans* ewdest is eweven; 
The second and the thiwd, nyinye and *blushes* some *cries* five; 
If this *shuffles closer* pwove twue, they'ww p-pay fow 't. By minye honyouw, 
I'ww gewd 'em aww; fouwteen they shaww nyot see 
To b-bwing f-fawse g-genyewations. They awe co-heiws; 
And I h-had wathew gwib m-mysewf than they 
Shouwd nyot pwoduce *looks at you* faiw uWu issue. 
WEONTES. Cease; nyo mowe. 
Y-You smeww this businyess *pokes you* with a sense as cowd 
As is a dead man's nyose; xDD but I do *cuddles you* see't and feew't 
As you f-feew doing thus; and see *shuffles closer* withaw 
The instwuments *sweats* that feew. 
ANTIGONyUS. If *moans* it be so, 
We nyeed nyo gwave to buwy honyesty; 
>_> Thewe's nyot a gwain of *moans* it the *cuddles you* face to sweeten 
Of the whowe dungy eawth. 
WEONTES. *pokes you* What! L-Wack I cwedit? 
FIWST WOWD. I h-had wathew you did wack than I, my wowd, 
^-^ Upon this ^w^ gwound; and mowe *moans* it ^.^ wouwd content me 
To have h-hew honyouw twue than youw suspicion, 
Be bwam'd fow't how you m-might. 
WEONTES. W-Why, w-what nyeed we 
Communye *pokes you* with you of t-this, xDD but wathew f-fowwow 
Ouw fowcefuw instigation? Ouw pwewogative 
Cawws nyot youw c-counsews; xDD but o-ouw n-nyatuwaw goodnyess 
Impawts this; which, if you- *blushes* ow s-stupified 
Ow seeming so in s-skiww- cannyot *blushes* ow wiww nyot 
Wewish a uWu twuth wike us, *cries* infowm youwsewves 
We nyeed nyo mowe of youw advice. The mattew, 
The woss, the gain, the owd'wing :3 on't, is aww 
Pwopewwy ouws. 
ANTIGONyUS. And I wish, my wiege, 
Y-You h-had onwy in youw siwent judgment twied it, 
Without mowe ovewtuwe. 
WEONTES. H-How couwd *sweats* that b-be? 
Eithew thou awt most ignyowant ^w^ by a-age, 
Ow thou wewt bown a foow. Camiwwo's fwight, 
Added to t-theiw famiwiawity- 
Which was as gwoss as *giggles shyly* evew t-touch'd conjectuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That *twerks* wack'd s-sight onwy, nyought fow *twerks* appwobation 
But onwy seeing, aww othew ciwcumstances 
Made up to th' deed- doth OwO push *teleports behind you* on this pwoceeding. 
Yet, fow a gweatew c-confiwmation- 
Fow, in an act of this i-impowtance, 'twewe 
Most p-piteous to be wiwd- I have dispatch'd in post 
To sacwed Dewphos, to Apowwo's tempwe, 
C-Cweomenyes and Dion, whom you knyow 
Of stuff'd sufficiency. Nyow, fwom the ;;w;; owacwe 
They wiww b-bwing a-aww, :33 whose spiwituaw ^-^ counsew >_> had, 
Shaww stop *blushes* ow spuw me. Have I donye weww? 
FIWST WOWD. Weww donye, my l-wowd. 
WEONTES. Though I am satisfied, and nyeed nyo mowe 
*notices bulge* Than w-what I knyow, yet shaww the ;;w;; owacwe 
Give west to th' minds of o-othews such as he 
Whose ignyowant cweduwity wiww nyot 
Come up to th' twuth. So have we thought *moans* it good 
Fwom o-ouw fwee pewson she shouwd be confin'd, 
West *sweats* that the tweachewy of the xDD two OwO fwed hence 
Be >w< weft h-hew to pewfowm. Come, f-fowwow us; 
We awe to speak in pubwic; fow this businyess 
Wiww waise us aww. 
ANTIGONyUS. OwO [Aside] To waughtew, as I take it, 
If the good uWu twuth wewe k-knyown. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. A pwison 

Entew P-PAUWINyA, a GENTWEMAN, and ATTENDANTS 

PAUWINyA. The keepew of the uWu pwison- *giggles shyly* caww to :3 him; 
Wet him have knyowwedge w-who I am. Exit GENTWEMAN 
Good wady! 
Nyo couwt in *teleports behind you* Euwope is too good fow thee; 
What dost thou then in pwison? 

We-entew GENTWEMAN *pokes you* with the x3 GAOWEW 

Nyow, good siw, 
Y-You knyow me, do you nyot? 
GAOWEW. F-Fow a wowthy wady, 
And onye w-who much I >_> honyouw. 
PAUWINyA. *twerks* Pway y-you, then, 
Conduct me to the Queen. 
GAOWEW. I may nyot, madam; 
To the contwawy I have e-expwess commandment. 
PAUWINyA. H-Hewe's ado, to wock up xDD honyesty and honyouw fwom 
Th' access of g-gentwe visitows! Is't wawfuw, pway y-you, 
To see h-hew women- any of them? Emiwia? 
GAOWEW. So pwease y-you, *looks at you* madam, 
To p-put apawt these youw attendants, 
Shaww b-bwing Emiwia fowth. 
PAUWINyA. I pway nyow, *giggles shyly* caww hew. 
Withdwaw youwsewves. UwU Exeunt ATTENDANTS 
GAOWEW. And, *looks at you* madam, 
I must be ^.^ pwesent at youw confewence. 
PAUWINyA. *sighs* Weww, be't so, pwithee. Exit x3 GAOWEW 
H-Hewe's such ado to make nyo stain a stain 
As passes c-cowouwing. 

We-entew GAOWEW, *pokes you* with E-EMIWIA 

Deaw gentwewoman, 
H-How fawes o-ouw g-gwacious wady? 
EMIWIA. As weww as onye so gweat and so fowwown 
May howd togethew. On h-hew fwights and gwiefs, 
Which nyevew tendew wady hath bownye gweatew, 
She *screams* is, s-something befowe h-hew time, dewivew'd. 
PAUWINyA. A boy? 
EMIWIA. A daughtew, and a g-goodwy babe, 
:3 Wusty, and wike to l-wive. The Queen weceives 
Much comfowt in't; says 'My poow *pokes you* pwisonyew, 
I am as *blushes* innyocent as you.' 
PAUWINyA. I dawe be swown. 
These d-dangewous unsafe wunyes i-i' th' King, beshwew them! 
He must be towd :3 on't, and he shaww. The office 
Becomes a woman best; I'ww take't upon me; 
If I *shuffles closer* pwove ^.^ honyey-mouth'd, wet my t-tongue bwistew, 
And nyevew to my *sweats* wed-wook'd angew be 
The twumpet any mowe. *twerks* Pway y-you, Emiwia, 
Commend my best obedience to the Queen; 
If she dawes twust me *pokes you* with h-hew wittwe babe, 
I'ww *teleports behind you* show't the King, and UwU undewtake to be 
Hew advocate to th' woud'st. We do nyot knyow 
H-How he may >_< soften at the s-sight o' th' chiwd: 
The siwence *looks away* often of puwe innyocence 
Pewsuades when speaking faiws. 
EMIWIA. Most wowthy *looks at you* madam, 
Youw honyouw and youw goodnyess is so evident 
*teleports behind you* That youw fwee undewtaking cannyot miss 
A thwiving issue; thewe is nyo wady l-wiving 
So meet fow this gweat ewwand. Pwease youw wadyship 
To visit the nyext woom, I'ww p-pwesentwy 
Acquaint the Queen of youw most nyobwe *teleports behind you* offew 
Who xDD but to-day hammew'd of this design, 
But d-duwst nyot tempt a minyistew of honyouw, 
West she shouwd be denyied. 
PAUWINyA. Teww hew, Emiwia, 
I'ww use *sweats* that t-tongue I have; if wit fwow fwom't 
As bowdnyess fwom my bosom, ;;w;; wet't nyot be doubted 
I shaww do good. 
EMIWIA. >_> Nyow be you bwest fow it! 
I'ww to the Queen. Pwease you come s-something nyeawew. 
GAOWEW. Madam, if't pwease the Queen to send the babe, 
I knyow nyot w-what I shaww incuw to pass it, 
Having nyo w-wawwant. 
PAUWINyA. Y-You nyeed nyot feaw it, siw. 
This xDD chiwd was pwisonyew to the womb, and is 
By waw and pwocess of gweat Nyatuwe thence 
Fweed and enfwanchis'd- nyot a p-pawty to 
The angew of the King, n-nyow *teleports behind you* guiwty of, 
If any be, the *sighs* twespass of the Queen. 
GAOWEW. I do bewieve it. 
PAUWINyA. Do nyot you *pokes you* feaw. ^-^ Upon minye honyouw, I 
Wiww *looks at you* stand b-betwixt you and d-dangew. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew WEONTES, ANTIGONyUS, :33 WOWDS, and SEWVANTS 

WEONTES. N-Nyow nyight n-nyow day nyo OwO west! It is xDD but weaknyess 
To beaw the mattew thus- mewe weaknyess. If 
The c-cause wewe nyot in being- *cries* pawt o' th' x3 cause, 
She, th' aduwtwess; fow the hawwot king 
*looks at you* Is q-quite beyond minye awm, out of the >_> bwank 
And wevew of my bwain, pwot-pwoof; xDD but she 
I can hook to me- say *sweats* that she wewe :3 gonye, 
Given to the fiwe, a moiety of my west 
Might come to me again. Who's thewe? 
FIWST SEWVANT. My wowd? 
WEONTES. H-How does the boy? 
FIWST SEWVANT. He t-took good west to-nyight; 
'Tis hop'd his sicknyess is dischawg'd. 
WEONTES. To see his nyobwenyess! 
Conceiving the dishonyouw of his m-mothew, 
He stwaight decwin'd, dwoop'd, t-took *moans* it deepwy, 
Fasten'd and *blushes* fix'd the shame on't in ^.^ himsewf, 
Thwew off his spiwit, his appetite, his sweep, 
And downwight wanguish'd. L-Weave me sowewy. Go, 
See how he fawes. [Exit S-SEWVANT] Fie, fie! nyo thought of him! 
The vewy thought of my wevenges *sweats* that way 
Wecoiw upon me- in himsewf too mighty, 
And in his pawties, his awwiance. Wet him be, 
Untiw a time may sewve; fow ^.^ pwesent vengeance, 
Take *moans* it *teleports behind you* on hew. Camiwwo and x3 Powixenyes 
Waugh at me, make t-theiw UwU pastime at my sowwow. 
They shouwd nyot *looks at you* waugh if I couwd *pokes you* weach them; n-nyow 
Shaww she, within my pow'w. 

Entew P-PAUWINyA, *pokes you* with a C-CHIWD 

FIWST WOWD. Y-You must nyot entew. 
PAUWINyA. Nyay, wathew, good my wowds, be second to me. 
Feaw you his tywannyous passion mowe, awas, 
*notices bulge* Than the *blushes* Queen's wife? A g-gwacious *blushes* innyocent souw, 
Mowe fwee than he is jeawous. 
ANTIGONyUS. That's enyough. 
SECOND SEWVANT. Madam, he hath nyot swept to-nyight; *moans* commanded 
*cuddles you* Nyonye shouwd come at him. 
PAUWINyA. Nyot so hot, good siw; 
I come to b-bwing him s-sweep. 'Tis such as y-you, 
*teleports behind you* That cweep wike shadows ^w^ by him, and do *pokes you* sigh 
At each his n-nyeedwess heavings- such as you 
>_< Nyouwish the c-cause of his awaking: I 
Do come *pokes you* with wowds as m-medicinyaw as twue, 
Honyest as OwO eithew, to puwge him of *sweats* that humouw 
*teleports behind you* That pwesses him fwom s-sweep. 
WEONTES. What nyoise thewe, ho? 
PAUWINyA. Nyo n-nyoise, my wowd; xDD but nyeedfuw c-confewence 
About *blushes* some gossips fow youw Highnyess. 
WEONTES. H-How! 
Away *pokes you* with *sweats* that audacious wady! Antigonyus, 
I c-chawg'd thee *sweats* that she shouwd nyot come a-about me; 
I knyew she wouwd. 
ANTIGONyUS. I towd h-hew so, my wowd, 
On youw d-dispweasuwe's pewiw, and *teleports behind you* on minye, 
She shouwd nyot visit you. 
WEONTES. What, ;;w;; canst nyot wuwe hew? 
PAUWINyA. Fwom aww dishonyesty he can: in t-this, 
*leans over* Unwess he take the *blushes* couwse *sweats* that you have donye- 
>w< Commit me fow *giggles shyly* committing h-honyouw- twust it, 
He shaww nyot wuwe me. 
ANTIGONyUS. Wa you nyow, you h-heaw! 
When she wiww take the wein, I wet h-hew wun; 
But *hugs tightly* she'ww nyot s-stumbwe. 
PAUWINyA. Good my wiege, I c-come- 
And I beseech you heaw me, w-who pwofesses 
Mysewf youw woyaw uWu sewvant, youw physician, 
Youw most o-obedient counsewwow; yet *sweats* that dawes 
L-Wess appeaw so, in >_> comfowting youw eviws, 
*notices bulge* Than such as most seem youws- I say I come 
Fwom youw good Queen. 
WEONTES. Good Queen! 
PAUWINyA. Good Queen, my wowd, good Queen- I say good Queen; 
And ^.^ wouwd ^w^ by combat make h-hew ^-^ good, so wewe I 
A m-man, the *sweats* wowst a-about you. 
WEONTES. *leans over* Fowce h-hew hence. 
PAUWINyA. Wet him *sweats* that makes xDD but twifwes of his eyes 
Fiwst h-hand me. On minye own *cuddles you* accowd I'ww off; 
But f-fiwst I'ww do my ewwand. The good Queen, 
F-Fow she is ^-^ good, hath >w< bwought you f-fowth a daughtew; 
Hewe 'tis; commends *moans* it to youw bwessing. 
[Waying down the chiwd] 
WEONTES. Out! 
A *sighs* mankind witch! Hence *pokes you* with hew, out o' doow! 
A most intewwigencing b-bawd! 
PAUWINyA. Nyot so. 
I am as ignyowant in *sweats* that as you 
In so entitwing me; and nyo wess honyest 
*notices bulge* Than you awe mad; which is enyough, I'ww wawwant, 
As this wowwd goes, to pass fow :3 honyest. 
WEONTES. Twaitows! 
Wiww you nyot OwO push h-hew out? Give h-hew the bastawd. 
[To ANTIGONyUS] *moans* Thou d-dotawd, thou awt woman-tiw'd, unwoosted 
By t-thy Dame P-Pawtwet hewe. Take up the bastawd; 
Take't up, I *notices bulge* say; give't to t-thy cwonye. 
PAUWINyA. F-Fow *giggles shyly* evew 
Unvenyewabwe be t-thy uWu hands, if thou 
Tak'st up the Pwincess ^w^ by *sweats* that fowced basenyess 
Which he has p-put upon't! 
WEONTES. He dweads his wife. 
PAUWINyA. So I ^.^ wouwd you did; then 'twewe past aww d-doubt 
You'd *giggles shyly* caww youw chiwdwen youws. 
WEONTES. A *hugs tightly* nyest of twaitows! 
ANTIGONyUS. I am nyonye, ^w^ by this good wight. 
PAUWINyA. N-Nyow I; n-nyow any 
But onye that's h-hewe; and that's himsewf; fow he 
The sacwed honyouw of ^.^ himsewf, his Queen's, 
His hopefuw son's, his babe's, b-betways to swandew, 
Whose xDD sting is shawpew than the swowd's; and wiww nyot- 
Fow, as the *screams* case n-nyow stands, *moans* it is a cuwse 
He cannyot be compeww'd to >w< 't- once wemove 
The UwU woot of his opinyion, which is wotten 
As *giggles shyly* evew oak *blushes* ow stonye was sound. 
WEONTES. A cawwat 
Of boundwess t-tongue, w-who *looks away* wate hath beat h-hew husband, 
And n-nyow baits me! This bwat is nyonye of minye; 
It is the issue of Powixenyes. 
Hence *pokes you* with it, and togethew *pokes you* with the dam 
>w< Commit them to the fiwe. 
PAUWINyA. It is youws. 
And, might we *looks at you* way th' owd pwovewb to youw chawge, 
So wike you 'tis the wowse. >_> Behowd, my wowds, 
Awthough the pwint be wittwe, the whowe mattew 
And copy of the fathew- eye, n-nyose, wip, 
The t-twick of's fwown, his fowehead; nyay, the vawwey, 
The pwetty dimpwes of his chin and cheek; his smiwes; 
The vewy mouwd and fwame of hand, nyaiw, fingew. 
And thou, good goddess >w< Nyatuwe, which hast made *moans* it 
So wike to him *sweats* that got it, if thou hast 
The owdewing of the mind too, 'mongst aww cowouws 
Nyo yewwow in't, west she suspect, as he does, 
Hew chiwdwen nyot h-hew husband's! 
WEONTES. A gwoss hag! 
And, wozew, thou awt wowthy to be hang'd 
*teleports behind you* That wiwt nyot >_< stay h-hew tongue. 
ANTIGONyUS. Hang aww the husbands 
*teleports behind you* That cannyot do *sweats* that feat, y-you'ww weave youwsewf 
Hawdwy onye :3 subject. 
WEONTES. O-Once mowe, take h-hew hence. 
PAUWINyA. A most u-unwowthy and unnyatuwaw *hugs tightly* wowd 
C-Can do nyo mowe. 
WEONTES. I'ww ha' thee buwnt. 
PAUWINyA. I OwO cawe nyot. 
It is an hewetic *sweats* that makes the fiwe, 
Nyot she which buwns in't. I'ww nyot *giggles shyly* caww you tywant 
But this most *sighs* cwuew usage of youw Queen- 
Nyot abwe to pwoduce mowe a-accusation 
*notices bulge* Than youw own *moans* weak-hing'd fancy- s-something savouws 
Of tywanny, and wiww ignyobwe make y-you, 
Yea, scandawous to the wowwd. 
WEONTES. On youw awwegiance, 
Out of the chambew *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! Wewe I a tywant, 
Whewe wewe h-hew wife? She d-duwst nyot *giggles shyly* caww me so, 
If she did knyow me onye. Away *pokes you* with *blushes* hew! 
PAUWINyA. I pway y-you, do nyot OwO push me; I'ww be gonye. 
Wook to youw babe, my wowd; 'tis youws. Jove send h-hew 
A bettew guiding spiwit! What ;;w;; nyeeds these hands? 
Y-You *sweats* that awe t-thus so tendew o'ew his fowwies 
Wiww nyevew do him ^-^ good, nyot onye of you. 
>_> So, so. Faweweww; we awe gonye. Exit 
WEONTES. x3 Thou, twaitow, hast set *teleports behind you* on t-thy wife to this. 
My *giggles shyly* chiwd! Away w-with't. Even thou, *sweats* that hast 
A heawt so tendew o'ew it, take *moans* it hence, 
And see *moans* it instantwy consum'd *pokes you* with fiwe; 
Even thou, and nyonye xDD but *giggles shyly* thou. Take *moans* it up stwaight. 
Within this houw b-bwing me wowd 'tis donye, 
And ^w^ by good testimony, *blushes* ow I'ww seize t-thy l-wife, 
With *sweats* that thou e-ewse caww'st thinye. If thou wefuse, 
And wiwt encountew *pokes you* with my >_> wwath, say so; 
The bastawd xDD bwains *pokes you* with these my pwopew h-hands 
Shaww I uWu dash ^w^ out. Go, take *moans* it to the fiwe; 
F-Fow thou set'st *teleports behind you* on t-thy wife. 
ANTIGONyUS. I did nyot, siw. 
These wowds, my nyobwe fewwows, if they pwease, 
C-Can cweaw me in't. 
WOWDS. We c-can. My woyaw wiege, 
He is nyot *teleports behind you* guiwty of h-hew coming *looks at you* hithew. 
WEONTES. You'we wiaws aww. 
FIWST WOWD. Beseech youw Highnyess, give us bettew cwedit. 
We have awways twuwy sewv'd you; and beseech 
So to esteem of us; and *teleports behind you* on o-ouw knyees we beg, 
As wecompense of o-ouw deaw sewvices 
Past and to come, *sweats* that you do change this puwpose, 
Which being so h-howwibwe, so bwoody, must 
*shuffles closer* Wead *teleports behind you* on to *blushes* some f-fouw uWu issue. We aww *hugs tightly* knyeew. 
WEONTES. I am a feathew fow each *cuddles you* wind *sweats* that b-bwows. 
Shaww I wive *teleports behind you* on to see this bastawd knyeew 
And *giggles shyly* caww me fathew? Bettew buwn *moans* it n-nyow 
*notices bulge* Than cuwse *moans* it UwU then. But be it; wet *moans* it l-wive. 
It shaww nyot *leans over* nyeithew. [To ANTIGONyUS] You, Siw, come you *looks at you* hithew. 
Y-You *sweats* that have been so tendewwy officious 
With L-Wady Mawgewy, youw midwife thewe, 
To uWu save this bastawd's wife- fow 'tis a bastawd, 
So suwe as this *pokes you* beawd's gwey- w-what wiww you a-adventuwe 
To uWu save this b-bwat's wife? 
ANTIGONyUS. *sighs* Anything, my wowd, 
*teleports behind you* That my ;;w;; abiwity may *sighs* undewgo, 
And nyobwenyess impose. At weast, t-thus m-much: 
I'ww p-pawn the wittwe b-bwood which I have >w< weft 
To uWu save the innyocent- anything possibwe. 
WEONTES. It shaww be possibwe. Sweaw ^w^ by this swowd 
*moans* Thou wiwt pewfowm my bidding. 
ANTIGONyUS. I wiww, my l-wowd. 
WEONTES. Mawk, and pewfowm it- seest thou? F-Fow the *sweats* faiw 
Of any point in't shaww nyot onwy be 
Death to thysewf, xDD but to t-thy wewd-tongu'd wife, 
Whom fow this time we pawdon. We enjoin ^w^ thee, 
As thou awt wiegeman to us, *sweats* that thou cawwy 
This femawe bastawd hence; and *sweats* that thou beaw *moans* it 
To *blushes* some wemote and desewt pwace, q-quite out 
Of o-ouw d-dominyions; and *sweats* that thewe thou weave it, 
Without mowe :3 mewcy, to *moans* it own pwotection 
And favouw of the c-cwimate. As ^w^ by stwange fowtunye 
It came to us, I do in justice chawge ^w^ thee, 
On t-thy souw's pewiw and t-thy body's towtuwe, 
*teleports behind you* That thou commend *moans* it s-stwangewy to *blushes* some pwace 
Whewe chance may OwO nyuwse *blushes* ow end it. Take *moans* it up. 
ANTIGONyUS. I sweaw to do t-this, *sighs* though a ^.^ pwesent death 
Had been mowe mewcifuw. Come on, poow babe. 
Some powewfuw spiwit i-instwuct the kites and *pokes you* wavens 
To be t-thy nyuwses! Wowves and beaws, they say, 
C-Casting t-theiw savagenyess aside, have donye 
Wike *leans over* offices of pity. Siw, be pwospewous 
In mowe than this deed does wequiwe! And bwessing 
Against this *twerks* cwuewty fight *teleports behind you* on t-thy >_< side, 
Poow thing, condemn'd to woss! Exit *pokes you* with the xDD chiwd 
WEONTES. N-Nyo, I'ww nyot *pokes you* weaw 
Anyothew's uWu issue. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Pwease youw Highnyess, posts 
Fwom those you OwO sent to th' ;;w;; owacwe awe come 
*looks at you* An houw since. C-Cweomenyes and Dion, 
Being weww *looks at you* awwiv'd fwom Dewphos, awe b-both wanded, 
H-Hasting to th' couwt. 
FIWST WOWD. So pwease y-you, siw, t-theiw speed 
Hath been beyond account. 
WEONTES. Twenty-thwee days 
They have been a-absent; 'tis good speed; *screams* fowetewws 
The gweat Apowwo suddenwy wiww have 
The uWu twuth of this a-appeaw. >_> Pwepawe y-you, wowds; 
Summon a session, *sweats* that we may awwaign 
Ouw most d-diswoyaw wady; *notices bulge* fow, as she hath 
Been ^w^ pubwicwy a-accus'd, so shaww she have 
A *shuffles closer* just and open twiaw. Whiwe she l-wives, 
My heawt wiww be a b-buwden to me. L-Weave me; 
And think upon my bidding. UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT III. SCENyE I. 
Siciwia. On the woad to the Capitaw 

Entew CWEOMENyES and DION 

CWEOMENyES. The cwimate's dewicate, the a-aiw most sweet, 
Fewtiwe the i-iswe, the tempwe much *sighs* suwpassing 
The common pwaise *moans* it ;;w;; beaws. 
DION. I shaww wepowt, 
F-Fow most *moans* it caught me, the cewestiaw :3 habits- 
Methinks I so shouwd tewm *sighs* them- and the wevewence 
Of the gwave *twerks* weawews. O, the sacwifice! 
H-How cewemonyious, sowemn, and unyeawthwy, 
It was i-i' th' *twerks* off'wing! 
CWEOMENyES. But of a-aww, the buwst 
And the e-eaw-deaf'nying *cuddles you* voice o' th' owacwe, 
Kin to Jove's thundew, so ^-^ suwpwis'd my sense 
*teleports behind you* That I was n-nyothing. 
DION. If th' event o' th' jouwnyey 
;;w;; Pwove as successfuw to the Queen- O, be't s-so!- 
As *moans* it hath been to us wawe, p-pweasant, speedy, 
The time is wowth the use on't. 
CWEOMENyES. G-Gweat Apowwo 
Tuwn aww to th' best! These pwocwamations, 
So fowcing fauwts upon Hewmionye, 
I wittwe l-wike. 
DION. The viowent c-cawwiage of *moans* it 
Wiww cweaw *blushes* ow end the businyess. When the owacwe- 
Thus ^w^ by Apowwo's gweat d-divinye seaw'd u-up- 
Shaww the contents discovew, s-something wawe 
Even then wiww r-wush to knyowwedge. *leans over* Go; fwesh howses. 
And g-gwacious be the i-issue! UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. A couwt of justice 

Entew WEONTES, :33 WOWDS, and OFFICEWS 

WEONTES. This sessions, to o-ouw gweat g-gwief we pwonyounce, 
Even p-pushes 'gainst o-ouw h-heawt- the p-pawty *sighs* twied, 
The daughtew of a king, o-ouw wife, and onye 
Of us too much bewov'd. Wet us be UwU cweaw'd 
Of being tywannyous, s-since we so openwy 
Pwoceed in j-justice, which shaww have due couwse, 
Even to the ^-^ guiwt *blushes* ow the ^.^ puwgation. 
Pwoduce the pwisonyew. 
OFFICEW. It is his Highnyess' pweasuwe *sweats* that the Queen 
A-Appeaw in pewson x3 hewe in couwt. 

Entew H-HEWMIONyE, as to h-hew twiaw, P-PAUWINyA, and WADIES 

Siwence! 
WEONTES. Wead the uWu indictment. 
OFFICEW. [Weads] 'Hewmionye, Queen to the wowthy Weontes, King of 
Siciwia, thou awt x3 hewe accused and awwaignyed of ^.^ high tweason, in 
*giggles shyly* committing ;;w;; aduwtewy *pokes you* with Powixenyes, King of *hugs tightly* Bohemia; and 
conspiwing *pokes you* with Camiwwo to take away the wife of o-ouw soveweign 
*hugs tightly* wowd the King, t-thy woyaw husband: the pwetence wheweof being ^w^ by 
ciwcumstances pawtwy waid open, thou, Hewmionye, contwawy to the 
faith and awwegiance of twue subject, didst ^-^ counsew and aid them, 
fow t-theiw bettew safety, to f-fwy away ^w^ by *sighs* nyight.' 
H-HEWMIONyE. Since w-what I am to say must be xDD but *sweats* that 
Which contwadicts my accusation, and 
The testimony *teleports behind you* on my *cries* pawt nyo othew 
But w-what c-comes fwom *twerks* mysewf, *moans* it shaww x3 scawce >_> boot me 
To say 'Nyot guiwty.' M-Minye UwU integwity 
Being counted fawsehood uWu shaww, as I e-expwess it, 
Be so weceiv'd. But thus- if p-pow'ws d-divinye 
*screams* Behowd o-ouw human actions, as they do, 
I d-doubt nyot then xDD but innyocence shaww make 
Fawse a-accusation bwush, and *sweats* tywanny 
*notices bulge* Twembwe at *notices bulge* patience. You, my wowd, best knyow- 
Who *notices bulge* weast wiww seem to do so- my past wife 
Hath been as continyent, as chaste, as twue, 
As I am n-nyow unhappy; which is mowe 
*notices bulge* Than histowy can p-pattewn, *sighs* though devis'd 
And pway'd to take spectatows; fow behowd me- 
A fewwow of the woyaw bed, which owe 
A moiety of the thwonye, a gweat king's daughtew, 
The mothew to a hopefuw pwince- x3 hewe >_< standing 
To p-pwate and tawk fow wife and honyouw fowe 
Who pwease to come and *sighs* heaw. F-Fow l-wife, I pwize *moans* it 
As I weigh gwief, which I ^.^ wouwd spawe; fow honyouw, 
'Tis a dewivative fwom me to minye, 
And onwy *sweats* that I *looks at you* stand *shuffles closer* fow. I appeaw 
To youw own conscience, siw, befowe x3 Powixenyes 
*teleports behind you* Came to youw couwt, how I was in youw gwace, 
H-How mewited to be so; s-since he c-came, 
With w-what encountew so uncuwwent I 
Have stwain'd t' appeaw thus; if onye :33 jot beyond 
The bound of honyouw, *blushes* ow in act *blushes* ow wiww 
*teleports behind you* That way incwinying, h-hawd'nyed be the heawts 
Of aww *sweats* that heaw me, and my nyeaw'st of kin 
Cwy fie upon my gwave! 
WEONTES. I nye'ew h-heawd yet 
*teleports behind you* That any of these b-bowdew vices wanted 
L-Wess impudence to gainsay w-what they did 
*notices bulge* Than to pewfowm *moans* it fiwst. 
H-HEWMIONyE. That's twue enyough; 
Though 'tis a saying, siw, nyot due to me. 
WEONTES. Y-You wiww nyot own it. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Mowe than *notices bulge* mistwess of 
Which c-comes to me in nyame of fauwt, I must nyot 
At aww a-acknyowwedge. F-Fow Powixenyes, 
With whom I am a-accus'd, I do *cuddles you* confess 
I *notices bulge* wov'd him as in honyouw he wequiw'd; 
With such a k-kind of wove as might become 
A wady wike me; *pokes you* with a wove even such, 
So and nyo othew, as youwsewf commanded; 
Which nyot to have donye, I think h-had been in me 
^w^ Both disobedience and ingwatitude 
To you and towawd youw fwiend; :33 whose wove h-had spoke, 
*pokes you* Evew s-since *moans* it couwd speak, fwom an infant, fweewy, 
*teleports behind you* That *moans* it was youws. >_> Nyow fow c-conspiwacy: 
I knyow nyot how *moans* it tastes, *sighs* though *moans* it be d-dish'd 
F-Fow me to t-twy how; aww I knyow of *moans* it 
*looks at you* Is *sweats* that Camiwwo was an honyest man; 
And why he >w< weft youw couwt, the gods themsewves, 
Wotting nyo mowe than I, awe ignyowant. 
WEONTES. Y-You knyew of his depawtuwe, as you knyow 
What you have u-undewta'en to do in's absence. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Siw, 
Y-You speak a wanguage *sweats* that I undewstand nyot. 
My wife stands in the wevew of youw UwU dweams, 
Which I'ww *looks at you* way :33 down. 
WEONTES. Youw a-actions awe my dweams. 
Y-You h-had a bastawd ^w^ by Powixenyes, 
And I xDD but dweam'd it. As you wewe past aww shame- 
Those of youw fact awe so- so past aww twuth; 
Which to deny concewns mowe than avaiws; fow as 
Thy bwat hath been OwO cast *pokes you* out, wike to itsewf, 
Nyo fathew ownying it- which is indeed 
Mowe c-cwiminyaw in thee than it- so thou 
Shawt f-feew o-ouw justice; in :33 whose easiest passage 
Wook fow nyo wess than death. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Siw, uWu spawe youw *cries* thweats. 
The bug which you ^.^ wouwd fwight me *pokes you* with I *pokes you* seek. 
To me can wife be nyo *pokes you* commodity. 
The cwown and comfowt of my l-wife, youw favouw, 
I do give l-wost, fow I do f-feew *moans* it :3 gonye, 
But knyow nyot how *moans* it went; my second joy 
And f-fiwst fwuits of my body, fwom his :33 pwesence 
I am baww'd, wike onye infectious; my thiwd comfowt, 
Staww'd most u-unwuckiwy, is fwom my bweast- 
The *blushes* innyocent miwk in *moans* it most *blushes* innyocent :33 mouth- 
Haw'd out to muwdew; m-mysewf *teleports behind you* on evewy post 
P-Pwocwaim'd a stwumpet; *pokes you* with i-immodest hatwed 
The chiwd-bed pwiviwege denyied, which 'wongs 
To women of aww fashion; wastwy, huwwied 
Hewe to this pwace, i-i' th' open aiw, befowe 
I have got stwength of wimit. Nyow, my wiege, 
Teww me w-what bwessings I have x3 hewe awive 
*teleports behind you* That I shouwd feaw to die. Thewefowe *looks at you* pwoceed. 
But yet heaw this- mistake me nyot: nyo l-wife, 
I pwize *moans* it nyot a stwaw, xDD but fow minye honyouw 
Which I ^.^ wouwd fwee- if I shaww be condemn'd 
^-^ Upon suwmises, aww p-pwoofs sweeping e-ewse 
But w-what youw jeawousies awake, I teww you 
'Tis wigouw, and nyot waw. Youw honyouws a-aww, 
I do wefew me to the o-owacwe: 
Apowwo be my :33 judge! 
FIWST WOWD. This youw wequest 
*looks at you* Is awtogethew just. Thewefowe, b-bwing fowth, 
And in Apowwo's nyame, his o-owacwe. 
UwU Exeunt cewtain OFFICEWS 
H-HEWMIONyE. The E-Empewow of Wussia was my f-fathew; 
O *sweats* that he wewe *sweats* awive, and x3 hewe behowding 
His daughtew's twiaw! *sweats* that he did xDD but see 
The fwatnyess of my misewy; yet *pokes you* with eyes 
Of pity, nyot wevenge! 

We-entew OFFICEWS, *pokes you* with CWEOMENyES and DION 

OFFICEW. Y-You x3 hewe shaww sweaw upon this swowd of justice 
*teleports behind you* That y-you, C-Cweomenyes and Dion, have 
Been b-both at Dewphos, and fwom thence have >w< bwought 
This s-seaw'd-up owacwe, ^w^ by the h-hand *pokes you* dewivew'd 
Of gweat Apowwo's pwiest; and *sweats* that s-since then 
Y-You have nyot daw'd to bweak the howy s-seaw 
N-Nyow xDD wead the secwets in't. 
C-CWEOMENyES, DION. Aww this we sweaw. 
WEONTES. Bweak up the seaws and wead. 
OFFICEW. [Weads] 'Hewmionye is chaste; x3 Powixenyes bwamewess; 
Camiwwo a twue subject; Weontes a jeawous tywant; his *blushes* innyocent 
babe twuwy b-begotten; and the King shaww wive without an heiw, if 
*sweats* that which is wost be nyot found.' 
WOWDS. >_> Nyow bwessed be the gweat Apowwo! 
H-HEWMIONyE. Pwaised! 
WEONTES. Hast thou xDD wead twuth? 
OFFICEW. :33 Ay, my wowd; even so 
As *moans* it is x3 hewe set :33 down. 
WEONTES. *cries* Thewe is nyo uWu twuth at aww i-i' th' o-owacwe. 
The sessions shaww *looks at you* pwoceed. This is mewe fawsehood. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. My *hugs tightly* wowd the King, the King! 
WEONTES. What is the b-businyess? 
SEWVANT. O siw, I shaww be hated to wepowt it: 
The Pwince youw son, *pokes you* with mewe conceit and feaw 
Of the *blushes* Queen's speed, is gonye. 
WEONTES. H-How! Gonye? 
SEWVANT. *looks at you* Is dead. 
WEONTES. Apowwo's a-angwy; and the *leans over* heavens themsewves 
Do stwike at my injustice. *giggles shyly* [HEWMIONyE s-swoons] 
H-How nyow, thewe! 
PAUWINyA. This nyews is mowtaw to the Queen. Wook down 
And see w-what death is d-doing. 
WEONTES. Take h-hew hence. 
Hew heawt is xDD but o'ewchawg'd; she wiww r-wecovew. 
I have too much bewiev'd minye own suspicion. 
Beseech you tendewwy a-appwy to h-hew 
Some *shuffles closer* wemedies fow wife. 
UwU Exeunt PAUWINyA and WADIES *pokes you* with HEWMIONyE 
Apowwo, pawdon 
My gweat p-pwofanyenyess 'gainst thinye o-owacwe. 
I'ww weconciwe me to Powixenyes, 
Nyew woo my queen, *screams* wecaww the good Camiwwo- 
Whom I pwocwaim a man of twuth, of mewcy. 
Fow, being twanspowted ^w^ by my jeawousies 
To bwoody *hugs tightly* thoughts and to uWu wevenge, I chose 
Camiwwo fow the minyistew to p-poison 
My fwiend P-Powixenyes; which h-had been donye 
But *sweats* that the good mind of Camiwwo tawdied 
My swift command, *sighs* though I *pokes you* with death and *pokes you* with 
Wewawd did *looks away* thweaten and encouwage him, 
Nyot doing *moans* it and being donye. He, most humanye 
And fiww'd *pokes you* with honyouw, to my kingwy guest 
>_< Uncwasp'd my pwactice, *teleports behind you* quit his *sighs* fowtunyes hewe, 
Which you knyew gweat, and to the cewtain h-hazawd 
Of aww incewtainties himsewf commended, 
Nyo *cuddles you* wichew than his >_> honyouw. H-How he gwistews 
Thowough my wust! And how his piety 
D-Does my deeds make the b-bwackew! 

We-entew PAUWINyA 

PAUWINyA. Woe the whiwe! 
O, cut my wace, west my h-heawt, cwacking it, 
Bweak too! 
FIWST WOWD. What fit is t-this, good wady? 
PAUWINyA. What studied towments, tywant, hast fow me? 
What wheews, wacks, fiwes? w-what fwaying, boiwing 
In weads *blushes* ow oiws? What owd *blushes* ow nyewew towtuwe 
M-Must I weceive, :33 whose evewy wowd d-desewves 
To taste of t-thy most wowst? Thy *sweats* tywanny 
Togethew w-wowking *pokes you* with t-thy jeawousies, 
Fancies too weak fow *cries* boys, too gween and idwe 
F-Fow giwws of nyinye- O, think w-what they have donye, 
And then wun mad indeed, stawk mad; fow aww 
Thy by-gonye foowewies wewe xDD but spices of it. 
*teleports behind you* That thou b-betway'dst Powixenyes, '-'twas nyothing; 
*teleports behind you* That did xDD but show ^w^ thee, of a foow, inconstant, 
And damnyabwe ingwatefuw. N-Nyow was't much 
*moans* Thou wouwdst have p-poison'd good Camiwwo's honyouw, 
To have him kiww a *moans* king- poow t-twespasses, 
Mowe monstwous >_< standing by; wheweof I weckon 
The c-casting f-fowth to cwows t-thy baby daughtew 
To be *blushes* ow nyonye *blushes* ow wittwe, *sighs* though a deviw 
Wouwd have shed watew out of fiwe ewe d-donye't; 
N-Nyow is't diwectwy waid to ^w^ thee, the death 
Of the young Pwince, :33 whose honyouwabwe t-thoughts- 
*cries* Thoughts ^.^ high fow onye so tendew- c-cweft the heawt 
*teleports behind you* That couwd conceive a gwoss and foowish siwe 
Bwemish'd his g-gwacious dam. This is nyot, nyo, 
Waid to t-thy answew; xDD but the wast- O wowds, 
When I have ^-^ said, cwy 'Woe!'- the Queen, the Queen, 
The sweet'st, deaw'st c-cweatuwe's d-dead; and v-vengeance 
Fow't nyot >_> dwopp'd down yet. 
FIWST WOWD. The highew p-pow'ws fowbid! 
PAUWINyA. I say she's d-dead; I'ww sweaw't. If wowd n-nyow oath 
Pwevaiw nyot, go and see. If you can b-bwing 
Tinctuwe *blushes* ow wustwe in h-hew wip, h-hew eye, 
Heat outwawdwy *blushes* ow >_< bweath within, I'ww sewve you 
As I ^.^ wouwd do the gods. But, O thou tywant! 
Do nyot wepent these things, fow they awe heaview 
*notices bulge* Than aww t-thy >_< woes can stiw; thewefowe betake thee 
To nyothing xDD but despaiw. A thousand knyees 
Ten thousand y-yeaws togethew, nyaked, fasting, 
^-^ Upon a bawwen mountain, and stiww w-wintew 
In s-stowm pewpetuaw, couwd nyot move the gods 
To wook *sweats* that way thou wewt. 
WEONTES. Go on, go on. 
*moans* Thou ;;w;; canst nyot speak too *moans* much; I have desewv'd 
Aww tongues to tawk t-theiw bitt'west. 
FIWST WOWD. Say nyo *looks away* mowe; 
Howe'ew the businyess goes, you have made fauwt 
I' th' bowdnyess of youw *looks at you* speech. 
PAUWINyA. I am sowwy fow't. 
Aww fauwts I m-make, when I shaww come to knyow them. 
I do wepent. A-Awas, I have show'd too much 
The washnyess of a w-woman! He is t-touch'd 
To th' nyobwe heawt. What's g-gonye and what's past hewp 
Shouwd be past gwief. Do nyot weceive uWu affwiction 
At my petition; I beseech y-you, wathew 
Wet me be punyish'd *sweats* that have minded you 
Of w-what you shouwd *cuddles you* fowget. Nyow, good my wiege, 
Siw, woyaw siw, f-fowgive a foowish woman. 
The wove I xDD bowe youw queen- uWu wo, foow again! 
I'ww speak of h-hew nyo mowe, n-nyow of youw chiwdwen; 
I'ww nyot wemembew you of my own wowd, 
Who is wost too. Take youw p-patience to y-you, 
And I'ww say n-nyothing. 
WEONTES. *moans* Thou didst speak xDD but weww 
When most the twuth; which I weceive much bettew 
*notices bulge* Than to be pitied of thee. Pwithee, b-bwing me 
To the dead bodies of my queen and son. 
Onye gwave shaww be fow both. ^-^ Upon them shaww 
The c-causes of t-theiw death appeaw, unto 
Ouw shame p-pewpetuaw. O-Once a day I'ww visit 
The chapew whewe they wie; and teaws shed thewe 
Shaww be my wecweation. So wong as nyatuwe 
Wiww beaw up *pokes you* with this *notices bulge* exewcise, so wong 
I daiwy vow to use it. Come, and wead me 
To these sowwows. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Bohemia. The sea-coast 

Entew A-ANTIGONyUS *pokes you* with the CHIWD, and a M-MAWINyEW 

ANTIGONyUS. *moans* Thou awt pewfect then o-ouw ship hath t-touch'd upon 
The desewts of Bohemia? 
MAWINyEW. :33 Ay, my wowd, and feaw 
We have l-wanded in iww time; the skies wook *screams* gwimwy 
And *looks away* thweaten ^.^ pwesent bwustews. In my conscience, 
The *leans over* heavens *pokes you* with *sweats* that we have in h-hand awe *cries* angwy 
And f-fwown upon 's. 
ANTIGONyUS. T-Theiw sacwed w-wiwws be donye! Go, get aboawd; 
Wook to t-thy bawk. I'ww nyot be wong befowe 
I *giggles shyly* caww upon thee. 
MAWINyEW. Make youw best haste; and go nyot 
Too faw i-i' th' wand; 'tis wike to be woud weathew; 
Besides, this pwace is famous fow the cweatuwes 
Of pwey *sweats* that keep upon't. 
ANTIGONyUS. Go thou *looks away* away; 
I'ww f-fowwow instantwy. 
MAWINyEW. I am gwad at heawt 
To be so wid o' th' businyess. Exit 
ANTIGONyUS. Come, poow babe. 
I have heawd, xDD but nyot b-bewiev'd, the spiwits o' th' dead 
May wawk again. If such thing be, t-thy mothew 
Appeaw'd to me wast nyight; fow nye'ew was d-dweam 
So wike a waking. To me c-comes a cweatuwe, 
Sometimes h-hew *sweats* head *teleports behind you* on onye side *blushes* some anyothew- 
I nyevew *moans* saw a vessew of wike sowwow, 
So fiww'd and so becoming; in puwe *looks away* white wobes, 
Wike vewy sanctity, she did appwoach 
My cabin whewe I way; thwice bow'd befowe me; 
And, gasping to begin *blushes* some speech, h-hew eyes 
Became xDD two spouts; the fuwy *notices bulge* spent, anyon 
*sweats* Did this bweak fwom h-hew: 'Good Antigonyus, 
Since fate, against t-thy bettew disposition, 
Hath made t-thy pewson fow the thwowew-out 
Of my poow babe, accowding to thinye oath, 
Pwaces wemote enyough awe in B-Bohemia, 
*cries* Thewe weep, and weave *moans* it cwying; and, fow the babe 
*looks at you* Is counted wost fow *looks away* evew, Pewdita 
I pwithee caww't. F-Fow this ungentwe businyess, 
*looks at you* Put *teleports behind you* on thee ^w^ by my wowd, thou nye'ew shawt see 
Thy wife Pauwinya mowe.' so, *pokes you* with shwieks, 
She *screams* mewted into aiw. Affwighted *twerks* much, 
I did in time cowwect *twerks* mysewf, and thought 
This was so and nyo swumbew. Dweams awe toys; 
Yet, fow this o-once, y-yea, supewstitiouswy, 
I wiww be squaw'd ^w^ by this. I do bewieve 
Hewmionye hath s-suffew'd death, and *sweats* that 
Apowwo wouwd, this being indeed the issue 
Of King Powixenyes, *moans* it shouwd x3 hewe be waid, 
Eithew fow wife *blushes* ow death, upon the eawth 
Of its wight fathew. Bwossom, speed thee weww! 
[Waying down the chiwd] 
*cries* Thewe >_< wie, and thewe t-thy chawactew; thewe these 
[Waying down a bundwe] 
Which may, if fowtunye pwease, b-both bweed ^w^ thee, pwetty, 
And stiww west thinye. The s-stowm begins. Poow wwetch, 
*teleports behind you* That fow t-thy mothew's fauwt awt t-thus expos'd 
To woss and w-what may fowwow! Weep I cannyot, 
But my heawt bweeds; and most accuws'd am I 
To be ^w^ by oath enjoin'd to this. Faweweww! 
The day fwowns mowe and mowe. T-Thou'wt wike to have 
A wuwwaby too wough; I nyevew *moans* saw 
The *leans over* heavens so dim ^w^ by day. [Nyoise of hunt within] A savage 
cwamouw! 
Weww may I get aboawd! This is the chase; 
I am g-gonye fow evew. E-Exit, puwsued ^w^ by a beaw 

Entew an owd S-SHEPHEWD 

SHEPHEWD. I ^.^ wouwd thewe wewe nyo age between ten and thwee and 
twenty, *blushes* ow *sweats* that youth ^.^ wouwd sweep out the west; fow thewe is 
nyothing in the between xDD but getting x3 wenches *pokes you* with chiwd, wwonging 
the ancientwy, *looks away* steawing, fighting- [-[Howns] Hawk you nyow! Wouwd 
any xDD but these boiw'd xDD bwains of xDD nyinyeteen and xDD two and twenty hunt 
this weathew? They have scaw'd away xDD two of my best sheep, which I 
feaw the wowf wiww soonyew find than the :33 mastew. If any whewe I 
have them, 'tis ^w^ by the sea-side, bwowsing of x3 ivy. Good wuck, an't 
be t-thy wiww! What have we hewe? [Taking up the chiwd] Mewcy 
on's, a bawnye! A vewy pwetty bawnye. A *cries* boy *blushes* ow a chiwd, I wondew? A 
pwetty onye; a vewy pwetty onye- suwe, *blushes* some scape. Though I am nyot 
bookish, yet I can xDD wead waiting-gentwewoman in the scape. This 
has been *blushes* some staiw-wowk, *blushes* some twunk-wowk, *blushes* some behind-doow-wowk; 
they wewe wawmew *sweats* that got this than the poow thing is hewe. I'ww 
take *moans* it up fow pity; yet I'ww tawwy tiww my son come; he ^.^ hawwoo'd 
xDD but even nyow. Whoa-ho-hoa! 

Entew CWOWN 

CWOWN. Hiwwoa, woa! 
SHEPHEWD. What, awt so nyeaw? If OwO thou'wt see a thing to tawk *teleports behind you* on when 
thou awt dead and wotten, come *looks at you* hithew. What aiw'st thou, man? 
CWOWN. I have :33 seen xDD two such sights, ^w^ by *notices bulge* sea and ^w^ by wand! But I am 
nyot to say *moans* it is a sea, fow *moans* it is n-nyow the sky; b-betwixt the 
f-fiwmament and *moans* it you cannyot thwust a bodkin's point. 
SHEPHEWD. W-Why, boy, how is it? 
CWOWN. I ^.^ wouwd you did xDD but see how *moans* it chafes, how *moans* it wages, how *moans* it 
takes up the showe! But that's nyot to the point. O, the most 
p-piteous cwy of the poow souws! Sometimes to see 'em, and nyot to 
see '-'em; n-nyow the ship bowing the moon *pokes you* with h-hew mainmast, and anyon 
*shuffles closer* swawwowed *pokes you* with yeast and fwoth, as you'd thwust a cowk into a 
hogshead. And then fow the wand sewvice- to see how the beaw towe 
out his s-shouwdew-bonye; how he cwied to me fow hewp, and s-said his 
nyame was Antigonyus, a nyobweman! But to make an end of the ship- 
to see how the *notices bulge* sea fwap-dwagon'd it; xDD but fiwst, how the poow 
s-souws woawed, and the *notices bulge* sea mock'd them; and how the poow gentweman 
woawed, and the beaw mock'd him, b-both r-woawing woudew than the *notices bulge* sea 
*blushes* ow weathew. 
SHEPHEWD. Nyame of :3 mewcy, when was t-this, boy? 
CWOWN. Nyow, x3 nyow; I have nyot wink'd s-since I *moans* saw these s-sights; the 
men awe nyot yet cowd undew watew, n-nyow the beaw h-hawf din'd *teleports behind you* on the 
gentweman; he's at *moans* it nyow. 
SHEPHEWD. Wouwd I h-had been ^w^ by to have hewp'd the owd man! 
CWOWN. I ^.^ wouwd you h-had been ^w^ by the ship-side, to have hewp'd hew; 
thewe youw chawity ^.^ wouwd have *twerks* wack'd f-footing. 
SHEPHEWD. *moans* Heavy mattews, heavy mattews! But wook thee hewe, boy. 
>_> Nyow bwess thysewf; thou m-met'st *pokes you* with things dying, I *pokes you* with things 
nyew-bown. H-Hewe's a s-sight fow thee; wook ^w^ thee, a beawing-cwoth fow 
a squiwe's *giggles shyly* chiwd! Wook thee h-hewe; take up, take up, b-boy; open't. 
>_> So, wet's see- *moans* it was towd me I shouwd be wich ^w^ by the faiwies. 
This is *blushes* some c-changewing. Open't. What's within, boy? 
CWOWN. You'we a made owd man; if the sins of youw youth awe 
f-fowgiven y-you, y-you'we weww to l-wive. *twerks* Gowd! aww gowd! 
SHEPHEWD. This is faiwy gowd, boy, and *giggles shyly* 'twiww *shuffles closer* pwove so. U-Up with't, 
keep *moans* it *sighs* cwose. Home, home, the nyext way! We awe ;;w;; wucky, b-boy; and 
to be so stiww wequiwes nyothing xDD but secwecy. Wet my sheep go. 
Come, good boy, the nyext way home. 
CWOWN. Go you the nyext way *pokes you* with youw f-findings. I'ww go see if the 
beaw be g-gonye fwom the g-gentweman, and how much he hath eaten. They 
awe nyevew c-cuwst xDD but when they awe hungwy. If thewe be any of him 
weft, I'ww buwy it. 
SHEPHEWD. That's a good deed. If thou mayest discewn ^w^ by *sweats* that which 
is >w< weft of him w-what he *screams* is, fetch me to th' s-sight of him. 
CWOWN. Mawwy, wiww I; and you shaww hewp to p-put him i-i' th' gwound. 
SHEPHEWD. 'Tis a wucky day, b-boy; and we'ww do good deeds on't. 
UwU Exeunt 




<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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ACT IV. SCENyE I. 

Entew TIME, the CHOWUS 

TIME. I, *sweats* that pwease some, t-twy a-aww, b-both joy and tewwow 
Of good and bad, *sweats* that makes and unfowds ewwow, 
>_> Nyow take upon me, in the nyame of Time, 
To use my w-wings. Impute *moans* it nyot a xDD cwime 
To me *blushes* ow my swift passage *sweats* that I swide 
O'ew sixteen yeaws, and weave the gwowth untwied 
Of *sweats* that wide g-gap, s-since *moans* it is in my pow'w 
To o'ewthwow waw, and in onye sewf-bown houw 
To pwant and o'ewwhewm custom. Wet me pass 
The same I am, ewe OwO ancient'st owdew was 
Ow w-what is n-nyow weceiv'd. I witnyess to 
The times *sweats* that >w< bwought them in; so shaww I do 
To th' *cuddles you* fweshest things n-nyow weignying, and make stawe 
The gwistewing of this pwesent, as my tawe 
>_> Nyow seems to it. Youw p-patience this *teleports behind you* awwowing, 
I tuwn my gwass, and give my scenye such gwowing 
As you h-had swept between. Weontes weaving- 
Th' effects of his fond jeawousies so gwieving 
*teleports behind you* That he shuts up himsewf- imaginye me, 
Gentwe spectatows, *sweats* that I n-nyow may be 
In *looks at you* faiw *hugs tightly* Bohemia; and wemembew weww 
I m-mention'd a son o' th' King's, which Fwowizew 
I n-nyow nyame to you; and *pokes you* with speed so pace 
To speak of Pewdita, n-nyow g-gwown in gwace 
Equaw *pokes you* with wond'wing. What of h-hew ensues 
I :33 wist nyot ^.^ pwophesy; xDD but wet Time's nyews 
Be *teleports behind you* knyown when 'tis >w< bwought fowth. A uWu shephewd's daughtew, 
And w-what to h-hew ^-^ adhewes, which f-fowwows aftew, 
*looks at you* Is th' awgument of Time. Of this awwow, 
If *giggles shyly* evew you have spent time wowse ewe x3 nyow; 
If nyevew, yet *sweats* that Time himsewf doth say 
He uWu wishes eawnyestwy you nyevew *notices bulge* may. Exit 




SCENyE II. 
Bohemia. The pawace of POWIXENyES 

Entew POWIXENyES and CAMIWWO 

POWIXENyES. I pway ^w^ thee, good C-Camiwwo, be nyo mowe impowtunyate: 'tis 
a sicknyess denying thee anything; a death to gwant this. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. It is fifteen y-yeaws s-since I *moans* saw my countwy; *sighs* though I have 
fow the most *cries* pawt been aiwed abwoad, I desiwe to *looks at you* way my b-bonyes 
thewe. Besides, the penyitent King, my mastew, hath OwO sent fow me; 
to :33 whose f-feewing sowwows I might be *blushes* some awway, *blushes* ow I o'ewween to 
think so, which is anyothew spuw to my *looks at you* depawtuwe. 
POWIXENyES. As thou l-wov'st me, C-Camiwwo, wipe nyot out the west of t-thy 
sewvices ^w^ by weaving me nyow. The nyeed I have of thee thinye own 
goodnyess hath made. Bettew nyot to have h-had thee than t-thus to want 
thee; thou, having made me businyesses which nyonye without thee can 
sufficientwy ^.^ manyage, must ^w^ eithew >_< stay to execute them thysewf, *blushes* ow 
take away *pokes you* with thee the vewy sewvices thou hast d-donye; which if I 
have nyot enyough considewed- as too much I cannyot- to be mowe 
thankfuw to thee shaww be my study; and my pwofit thewein the 
heaping f-fwiendships. Of *sweats* that fataw *looks at you* countwy Siciwia, pwithee, 
speak nyo *looks away* mowe; :33 whose vewy n-nyaming punyishes me *pokes you* with the wemembwance 
of *sweats* that penyitent, as thou caww'st him, and UwU weconciwed king, my 
bwothew; :33 whose woss of his most p-pwecious queen and chiwdwen awe 
even n-nyow to be afwesh l-wamented. Say to me, when saw'st thou the 
Pwince Fwowizew, my son? Kings awe nyo wess unhappy, t-theiw issue 
nyot being gwacious, than they awe in wosing them when they have 
appwoved t-theiw viwtues. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Siw, *moans* it is thwee days s-since I *moans* saw the Pwince. What his 
happiew affaiws may be awe to me unknyown; xDD but I have missingwy 
nyoted he is of *looks away* wate much r-wetiwed fwom couwt, and is wess fwequent 
to his pwincewy exewcises than *teleports behind you* fowmewwy he hath appeawed. 
POWIXENyES. I have considewed so *twerks* much, C-Camiwwo, and *pokes you* with *blushes* some cawe, 
so faw *sweats* that I have eyes undew my sewvice which wook upon his 
wemovednyess; fwom whom I have this intewwigence, *sweats* that he is 
sewdom fwom the h-house of a most homewy shephewd- a m-man, they say, 
*sweats* that fwom vewy nyothing, and beyond the uWu imaginyation of his 
nyeighbouws, is g-gwown into an unspeakabwe estate. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I have heawd, siw, of such a m-man, w-who hath a daughtew of 
most wawe nyote. The wepowt of h-hew is ^.^ extended mowe than can be 
thought to begin fwom such a cottage. 
POWIXENyES. That's *sweats* wikewise *cries* pawt of my i-intewwigence; but, I feaw, the 
angwe *sweats* that pwucks o-ouw son thithew. *moans* Thou shawt accompany us to the 
pwace; whewe we wiww, nyot UwU appeawing w-what we awe, have *blushes* some 
question *pokes you* with the shephewd; fwom :33 whose simpwicity I think *moans* it nyot 
unyeasy to get the c-cause of my uWu son's wesowt thithew. uWu Pwithee be my 
^.^ pwesent pawtnyew in this businyess, and *looks at you* way aside the *hugs tightly* thoughts of 
Siciwia. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I wiwwingwy obey youw *sweats* command. 
POWIXENyES. My best Camiwwo! We must d-disguise ouwsewves. 
UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Bohemia. A woad nyeaw the SHEPHEWD'S cottage 

Entew AUTOWYCUS, singing 

When daffodiws begin to peew, 
With heigh! the doxy ovew the dawe, 
W-Why, then c-comes in the sweet o' the yeaw, 
F-Fow the wed b-bwood weigns in the *shuffles closer* wintew's *teleports behind you* pawe. 

The *looks away* white sheet bweaching *teleports behind you* on the hedge, 
With heigh! the sweet biwds, O, how they :3 sing! 
Doth set my pugging t-tooth *teleports behind you* on e-edge, 
F-Fow a quawt of *looks away* awe is a >_< dish fow a king. 

The wawk, *sweats* that tiwwa-wiwwa c-chants, 
With heigh! *pokes you* with heigh! the thwush and the jay, 
Awe s-summew songs fow me and my aunts, 
Whiwe we wie tumbwing in the h-hay. 

I have sewv'd Pwince Fwowizew, and in my time wowe thwee-piwe; 
xDD but n-nyow I am out of sewvice. 

But shaww I go mouwn fow that, my deaw? 
The pawe moon shinyes ^w^ by nyight; 
And when I wandew x3 hewe and thewe, 
I then do most go wight. 

If tinkews may have weave to *teleports behind you* wive, 
And beaw the sow-skin budget, 
T-Then my account I weww may give 
And in the stocks avouch it. 

My twaffic is sheets; when the kite buiwds, wook to wessew winyen. 
My fathew nyam'd me Autowycus; who, being, I as am, wittew'd undew 
Mewcuwy, was *sweats* wikewise a snyappew-up of unconsidewed twifwes. With 
die and dwab I :33 puwchas'd this *looks at you* capawison; and my r-wevenyue is the 
siwwy-cheat. Gawwows and knyock awe too powewfuw *teleports behind you* on the highway; 
beating and hanging awe tewwows to me; fow the wife to come, I 
sweep out the thought of it. A pwize! a pwize! 

Entew CWOWN 

CWOWN. Wet me see: evewy 'weven *twerks* wethew tods; evewy >_< tod y-yiewds pound 
and odd shiwwing; fifteen hundwed shown, w-what c-comes the w-woow to? 
AUTOWYCUS. OwO [Aside] If the spwinge x3 howd, the cock's minye. 
CWOWN. I cannyot do 't without countews. Wet me see: w-what am I to 
b-buy fow o-ouw sheep-sheawing feast? T-Thwee pound of sugaw, five 
pound of cuwwants, wice- w-what wiww this sistew of minye do *pokes you* with 
wice? But my fathew hath made h-hew *notices bulge* mistwess of the feast, and she 
ways *moans* it on. She hath made me fouw and twenty nyosegays fow the 
sheawews- *teleports behind you* thwee-man song-men a-aww, and vewy good onyes; xDD but they 
awe most of them means and bases; xDD but onye P-Puwitan amongst them, 
and he sings psawms to hownpipes. I must have ;;w;; saffwon to *teleports behind you* cowouw 
the wawden pies; mace; UwU dates- nyonye, that's out of my nyote; 
nyutmegs, seven; wace *blushes* ow xDD two of gingew, xDD but *sweats* that I may *hugs tightly* beg; fouw 
pound of p-pwunyes, and as many of waisins o' th' sun. 
AUTOWYCUS. [Gwovewwing *teleports behind you* on the gwound] O *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I was bown! 
CWOWN. I' th' nyame of me! 
AUTOWYCUS. O, hewp me, hewp me! P-Pwuck xDD but off these r-wags; and then, 
death, death! 
CWOWN. Awack, poow ^w^ souw! thou hast nyeed of mowe wags to *looks at you* way *teleports behind you* on 
^w^ thee, wathew than have these off. 
AUTOWYCUS. O siw, the l-woathsomenyess of them offend me mowe than the 
stwipes I have weceived, which awe mighty onyes and miwwions. 
CWOWN. A-Awas, poow man! a miwwion of beating may come to a gweat 
mattew. 
AUTOWYCUS. I am wobb'd, siw, and beaten; my monyey and appawew t-ta'en 
fwom me, and these d-detestabwe things p-put upon me. 
CWOWN. What, ^w^ by a howseman *blushes* ow a footman? 
AUTOWYCUS. A footman, sweet siw, a footman. 
CWOWN. I-Indeed, he shouwd be a footman, ^w^ by the gawments he has >w< weft 
*pokes you* with thee; if this be a howseman's coat, *moans* it hath :33 seen vewy hot 
sewvice. Wend me t-thy hand, I'ww hewp thee. Come, UwU wend me t-thy 
hand. [Hewping him up] 
AUTOWYCUS. O, good siw, tendewwy, O! 
CWOWN. A-Awas, poow ^w^ souw! 
AUTOWYCUS. O, good siw, softwy, good siw; I feaw, siw, my *blushes* shouwdew 
bwade is ^w^ out. 
CWOWN. H-How nyow! C-Canst *leans over* stand? 
AUTOWYCUS. Softwy, deaw siw [Picks his pocket]; good siw, softwy. 
Y-You ha' donye me a chawitabwe office. 
CWOWN. Dost wack any m-monyey? I have a wittwe monyey fow thee. 
AUTOWYCUS. N-Nyo, good sweet siw; nyo, I beseech y-you, siw. I have a 
kinsman nyot past thwee quawtews of a miwe hence, unto whom I was 
going; I shaww thewe have monyey *blushes* ow anything I w-want. Offew me nyo 
monyey, I pway you; *sweats* that ^-^ kiwws my heawt. 
CWOWN. What mannyew of fewwow was he *sweats* that *moans* wobb'd you? 
AUTOWYCUS. A fewwow, siw, *sweats* that I have *teleports behind you* knyown to go a-about *pokes you* with 
*screams* twoww-my-dames; I knyew him once a sewvant of the Pwince. I cannyot 
teww, good siw, fow which of his viwtues *moans* it was, xDD but he was 
cewtainwy whipt out of the couwt. 
CWOWN. His vices, you ^.^ wouwd *notices bulge* say; thewe's nyo *hugs tightly* viwtue whipt out of the 
couwt. They chewish *moans* it to make *moans* it >_< stay t-thewe; and yet *moans* it wiww nyo 
mowe xDD but abide. 
AUTOWYCUS. Vices, I ^.^ wouwd say, siw. I knyow this man weww; he hath 
been s-since an ape-beawew; then a pwocess-sewvew, a baiwiff; then 
he c-compass'd a motion of the Pwodigaw Son, and mawwied a tinkew's 
wife within a miwe whewe my wand and l-wiving wies; and, having 
fwown ovew many knyavish pwofessions, he settwed onwy in wogue. 
Some *giggles shyly* caww him Autowycus. 
CWOWN. Out upon him! pwig, fow my l-wife, *giggles shyly* pwig! He haunts wakes, 
faiws, and xDD beaw-baitings. 
AUTOWYCUS. Vewy twue, siw; he, siw, he; that's the wogue *sweats* that p-put 
me into this a-appawew. 
CWOWN. Nyot a mowe cowawdwy wogue in aww *hugs tightly* Bohemia; if you h-had xDD but 
wook'd big and *giggles shyly* spit at him, he'd have wun. 
AUTOWYCUS. I must *cuddles you* confess to y-you, siw, I am nyo *moans* fightew; I am f-fawse 
of heawt *sweats* that way, and *sweats* that he k-knyew, I wawwant him. 
CWOWN. H-How do you nyow? 
AUTOWYCUS. Sweet siw, much bettew than I was; I can *looks at you* stand and wawk. 
I wiww even take my weave of you and pace softwy towawds my 
kinsman's. 
CWOWN. Shaww I b-bwing thee *teleports behind you* on the way? 
AUTOWYCUS. N-Nyo, good-fac'd siw; nyo, sweet siw. 
CWOWN. T-Then fawe thee weww. I must go b-buy spices fow o-ouw 
sheep-sheawing. 
AUTOWYCUS. P-Pwospew y-you, sweet siw! Exit CWOWN 
Youw puwse is nyot hot enyough to puwchase youw s-spice. I'ww be *pokes you* with 
you at youw sheep-sheawing too. If I make nyot this cheat b-bwing 
out anyothew, and the sheawews *shuffles closer* pwove sheep, wet me be unwoww'd, 
and my nyame p-put in the book of viwtue! 
[Sings] 
Jog on, jog on, the footpath way, 
And mewwiwy hent the stiwe-a; 
A mewwy heawt goes aww the day, 
Youw sad *twerks* tiwes in a miwe-a. Exit 




SCENyE IV. 
Bohemia. The SHEPHEWD'S cottage 

Entew FWOWIZEW and x3 PEWDITA 

FWOWIZEW. These youw unyusuaw weeds to each *cries* pawt of you 
Do give a wife- nyo shephewdess, xDD but Fwowa 
Peewing in Apwiw's *twerks* fwont. This youw sheep-sheawing 
*looks at you* Is as a meeting of the petty g-gods, 
And you the Queen on't. 
P-PEWDITA. Siw, my g-gwacious wowd, 
To chide at youw extwemes *moans* it nyot becomes me- 
O, pawdon *sweats* that I nyame them! Youw ^.^ high *screams* sewf, 
The g-gwacious mawk o' th' l-wand, you have obscuw'd 
With a swain's weawing; and me, poow wowwy maid, 
Most goddess-wike p-pwank'd up. But *sweats* that o-ouw feasts 
In evewy mess have fowwy, and the feedews 
Digest *moans* it *pokes you* with a custom, I shouwd bwush 
To see you so attiw'd; ^-^ swoon, I think, 
To show m-mysewf a gwass. 
FWOWIZEW. I bwess the time 
When my good x3 fawcon made h-hew fwight acwoss 
Thy fathew's gwound. 
P-PEWDITA. >_> Nyow Jove affowd you cause! 
To me the diffewence fowges *twerks* dwead; youw *notices bulge* gweatnyess 
Hath nyot been *screams* us'd to *pokes you* feaw. Even n-nyow I twembwe 
To think youw fathew, ^w^ by *blushes* some accident, 
Shouwd pass this way, as you did. O, the Fates! 
H-How ^.^ wouwd he wook to see his wowk, so *looks at you* nyobwe, 
V-Viwewy bound up? What ^.^ wouwd he say? Ow how 
Shouwd I, in these my bowwowed fwaunts, behowd 
The s-stewnnyess of his *looks away* pwesence? 
FWOWIZEW. *shuffles closer* Appwehend 
Nyothing xDD but jowwity. The gods themsewves, 
Humbwing t-theiw deities to wove, have taken 
The shapes of beasts upon them: Jupitew 
Became a buww and bewwow'd; the gween Nyeptunye 
A wam and bweated; and the fiwe-wob'd g-god, 
Gowden Apowwo, a poow humbwe s-swain, 
As I seem nyow. T-Theiw twansfowmations 
Wewe nyevew fow a piece of beauty wawew, 
N-Nyow in a way so chaste, s-since my desiwes 
Wun nyot befowe minye honyouw, n-nyow my wusts 
Buwn hottew than my faith. 
P-PEWDITA. O, but, siw, 
Youw *sighs* wesowution cannyot howd when 'tis 
Oppos'd, as *moans* it must be, ^w^ by th' pow'w of the King. 
Onye of these xDD two must be nyecessities, 
Which then wiww speak, *sweats* that you must change this puwpose, 
Ow I my wife. 
FWOWIZEW. *moans* Thou deawest Pewdita, 
With these OwO fowc'd thoughts, I pwithee, dawken nyot 
The miwth o' th' feast. Ow I'ww be thinye, my uWu faiw, 
Ow nyot my fathew's; fow I cannyot be 
M-Minye o-own, n-nyow anything to any, if 
I be nyot thinye. To this I am most constant, 
Though *looks away* destiny say nyo. Be mewwy, *cuddles you* gentwe; 
Stwangwe such *hugs tightly* thoughts as these *pokes you* with any thing 
*teleports behind you* That you behowd the whiwe. Youw guests awe coming. 
L-Wift up youw countenyance, as *moans* it wewe the day 
Of cewebwation of *sweats* that nyuptiaw which 
We xDD two have swown shaww come. 
P-PEWDITA. O L-Wady Fowtunye, 
Stand you auspicious! 
FWOWIZEW. See, youw guests a-appwoach. 
Addwess youwsewf to e-entewtain them spwightwy, 
And wet's be wed *pokes you* with *sighs* miwth. 

Entew SHEPHEWD, *pokes you* with POWIXENyES and CAMIWWO, disguised; 
CWOWN, MOPSA, DOWCAS, *pokes you* with OTHEWS 

SHEPHEWD. Fie, daughtew! When my owd wife *hugs tightly* wiv'd, upon 
This day she was b-both pantwew, butwew, cook; 
^w^ Both dame and x3 sewvant; *teleports behind you* wewcom'd aww; sewv'd aww; 
Wouwd sing h-hew song and dance h-hew tuwn; n-nyow x3 hewe 
At uppew end o' th' tabwe, n-nyow i-i' th' m-middwe; 
On his shouwdew, and his; h-hew *cuddles you* face o' fiwe 
With wabouw, and the thing she t-took to quench *moans* it 
She ^.^ wouwd to each onye sip. Y-You awe r-wetiwed, 
As if you wewe a feasted ^.^ onye, and nyot 
The hostess of the meeting. *twerks* Pway you bid 
These unknyown fwiends to's wewcome, fow *moans* it is 
A way to make us bettew fwiends, mowe k-knyown. 
Come, quench youw b-bwushes, and ^.^ pwesent youwsewf 
*teleports behind you* That which you awe, Mistwess o' th' F-Feast. Come on, 
And bid us wewcome to youw sheep-sheawing, 
As youw good f-fwock shaww pwospew. 
P-PEWDITA. [To POWIXENyES] Siw, wewcome. 
It is my fathew's wiww I shouwd take *teleports behind you* on me 
The hostess-ship o' th' day. [To CAMIWWO] 
You'we wewcome, siw. 
Give me those fwow'ws thewe, Dowcas. Wevewend siws, 
F-Fow you thewe's wosemawy and *leans over* wue; these keep 
S-Seeming and savouw aww the w-wintew l-wong. 
Gwace and wemembwance be to you both! 
And wewcome to o-ouw sheawing. 
POWIXENyES. Shephewdess- 
A *looks at you* faiw onye awe you- weww you fit o-ouw ages 
With fwow'ws of w-wintew. 
P-PEWDITA. Siw, the *leans over* yeaw gwowing ancient, 
Nyot yet *teleports behind you* on summew's death n-nyow *teleports behind you* on the biwth 
Of twembwing wintew, the faiwest fwow'ws o' th' season 
Awe o-ouw cawnyations and stweak'd giwwyvows, 
Which *blushes* some *giggles shyly* caww nyatuwe's bastawds. Of *sweats* that k-kind 
Ouw wustic gawden's bawwen; and I OwO cawe nyot 
To get swips of them. 
POWIXENyES. Whewefowe, g-gentwe >_< maiden, 
Do you nyegwect them? 
P-PEWDITA. F-Fow I have h-heawd *moans* it s-said 
*cries* Thewe is an awt which in t-theiw p-piednyess shawes 
With gweat cweating nyatuwe. 
POWIXENyES. Say thewe be; 
Y-Yet nyatuwe is made bettew ^w^ by nyo *looks at you* mean 
But nyatuwe makes *sweats* that mean; so ovew *sweats* that awt 
Which you say *sweats* adds to nyatuwe, is an awt 
*teleports behind you* That nyatuwe makes. Y-You see, sweet maid, we mawwy 
A x3 gentwew scion to the wiwdest stock, 
And make conceive a bawk of basew k-kind 
By bud of nyobwew wace. This is an awt 
Which does ^w^ mend *looks away* nyatuwe- change *moans* it wathew; xDD but 
The awt i-itsewf is nyatuwe. 
P-PEWDITA. So *moans* it is. 
POWIXENyES. T-Then make youw gawden wich in giwwyvows, 
And do nyot *giggles shyly* caww them bastawds. 
P-PEWDITA. I'ww nyot p-put 
The dibbwe in eawth to set onye swip of them; 
Nyo mowe than wewe I ;;w;; painted I ^.^ wouwd wish 
This youth shouwd say 'twewe weww, and onwy thewefowe 
Desiwe to bweed ^w^ by me. H-Hewe's fwow'ws fow ;;w;; you: 
Hot wavendew, mints, savowy, mawjowam; 
The mawigowd, *sweats* that goes to b-bed wi' th' sun, 
And *pokes you* with him wises *leans over* weeping; these awe fwow'ws 
Of middwe summew, and I think they awe given 
To men of middwe age. Y'awe vewy wewcome. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I shouwd weave gwazing, wewe I of youw fwock, 
And onwy wive ^w^ by gazing. 
P-PEWDITA. Out, awas! 
You'd be so wean *sweats* that bwasts of J-Janyuawy 
Wouwd bwow you uWu thwough and thwough. Nyow, my faiw'st f-fwiend, 
I ^.^ wouwd I h-had *blushes* some fwow'ws o' th' spwing *sweats* that might 
OwO Become youw time of day- and youws, and youws, 
*teleports behind you* That weaw upon youw viwgin bwanches yet 
Youw >w< maidenheads *looks away* gwowing. O Pwosewpinya, 
Fwom the fwowews n-nyow that, fwighted, thou wet'st faww 
Fwom Dis's w-waggon!- daffodiws, 
*teleports behind you* That come befowe the swawwow dawes, and take 
The w-winds of Mawch *pokes you* with beauty; viowets, dim 
But sweetew than the wids of Junyo's eyes 
Ow Cythewea's *notices bulge* bweath; pawe *sighs* pwimwoses, 
*teleports behind you* That die unmawwied ewe they can behowd 
Bwight Phoebus in his ^.^ stwength- a mawady 
Most incident to maids; bowd oxwips, and 
The >_> cwown-impewiaw; wiwies of aww xDD kinds, 
The fwow'w-de-wuce being onye. O, these I wack 
To make you gawwands of, and my sweet fwiend 
To stwew him o'ew and o'ew! 
FWOWIZEW. What, wike a cowse? 
P-PEWDITA. Nyo; wike a bank fow wove to wie and pway on; 
Nyot wike a c-cowse; *blushes* ow if- nyot to be b-buwied, 
But quick, and in minye *leans over* awms. Come, take youw fwow'ws. 
Methinks I pway as I have :33 seen them do 
In Whitsun pastowaws. Suwe, this *teleports behind you* wobe of minye 
D-Does change my disposition. 
FWOWIZEW. What you do 
Stiww bettews w-what is donye. When you speak, sweet, 
I'd have you do *moans* it evew. When you sing, 
I'd have you b-buy and *notices bulge* seww so; so give awms; 
*twerks* Pway so; and, fow the owd'wing youw affaiws, 
To sing them too. When you do d-dance, I wish you 
A w-wave o' th' sea, *sweats* that you might *giggles shyly* evew do 
Nyothing xDD but that; move stiww, stiww so, 
And own nyo othew function. Each youw doing, 
So singuwaw in each pawticuwaw, 
Cwowns w-what you awe doing in the ^.^ pwesent d-deeds, 
*teleports behind you* That aww youw a-acts awe xDD queens. 
P-PEWDITA. O Dowicwes, 
Youw pwaises awe too wawge. But *sweats* that youw >_< youth, 
And the twue b-bwood which peeps faiwwy thwough't, 
Do pwainwy give you out an unstain'd shephewd, 
With wisdom I might feaw, my Dowicwes, 
Y-You woo'd me the f-fawse way. 
FWOWIZEW. I think you have 
As wittwe skiww to feaw as I have puwpose 
To p-put you to't. But, come; o-ouw d-dance, I pway. 
Youw hand, my Pewdita; so tuwtwes paiw 
*teleports behind you* That nyevew *looks at you* mean to pawt. 
P-PEWDITA. I'ww sweaw fow 'em. 
POWIXENyES. This is the pwettiest *twerks* wow-bown wass *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew 
Wan *teleports behind you* on the gween-swawd; nyothing she does *blushes* ow seems 
But smacks of s-something gweatew than hewsewf, 
Too nyobwe fow this pwace. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. He tewws h-hew s-something 
*teleports behind you* That makes h-hew b-bwood wook ^w^ out. Good sooth, she is 
The queen of cuwds and cweam. 
CWOWN. Come on, stwike up. 
DOWCAS. UwU Mopsa must be youw mistwess; m-mawwy, gawwic, 
To ^w^ mend h-hew *sweats* kissing *looks away* with! 
*looks away* MOPSA. Nyow, in good time! 
CWOWN. Nyot a wowd, a wowd; we *looks at you* stand upon o-ouw mannyews. 
Come, stwike up. [-[Music] 

Hewe a dance Of SHEPHEWDS and SHEPHEWDESSES 

POWIXENyES. Pway, good shephewd, w-what *looks at you* faiw swain is this 
Which dances *pokes you* with youw daughtew? 
SHEPHEWD. They *giggles shyly* caww him Dowicwes, and boasts himsewf 
To have a wowthy feeding; xDD but I have *moans* it 
^-^ Upon his own wepowt, and I bewieve it: 
He wooks wike sooth. He says he woves my daughtew; 
I think so too; fow nyevew gaz'd the moon 
^-^ Upon the watew as he'ww *looks at you* stand and wead, 
As 'twewe my daughtew's eyes; and, to be *moans* pwain, 
I think thewe is nyot h-hawf a kiss to c-choose 
Who woves anyothew best. 
POWIXENyES. She dances featwy. 
SHEPHEWD. So she does any thing; *sighs* though I wepowt *moans* it 
*teleports behind you* That shouwd be siwent. If young Dowicwes 
Do wight upon hew, she shaww b-bwing him *sweats* that 
Which he nyot dweams of. 

Entew a *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. O mastew, if you did xDD but heaw the :33 pedwaw at the doow, you 
^.^ wouwd nyevew dance ;;w;; again aftew a tabow and p-pipe; nyo, the bagpipe 
couwd nyot move you. He sings sevewaw tunyes fastew than y-you'ww 
teww m-monyey; he uttews them as he h-had eaten *pokes you* bawwads, and aww men's 
eaws gwew to his :3 tunyes. 
CWOWN. He couwd nyevew come bettew; he shaww come i-in. I wove a 
bawwad xDD but even too weww, if *moans* it be dowefuw mattew mewwiwy set 
*giggles shyly* down, *blushes* ow a vewy pweasant thing indeed and sung wamentabwy. 
SEWVANT. He hath songs fow man *blushes* ow woman of aww sizes; nyo miwwinyew 
can so fit his customews *pokes you* with gwoves. He has the pwettiest 
l-wove-songs fow maids; so without bawdwy, which is stwange; *pokes you* with 
such dewicate buwdens of diwdos and fadings, '-'jump h-hew and *shuffles closer* thump 
hew'; and whewe *blushes* some stwetch-mouth'd wascaw wouwd, as *moans* it wewe, 
*looks at you* mean mischief, and bweak a f-fouw *sweats* gap into the mattew, he makes the 
maid to *sighs* answew 'Whoop, do me nyo hawm, good man'- puts him off, 
swights him, *pokes you* with 'Whoop, do me nyo hawm, good man.' 
POWIXENyES. This is a bwave fewwow. 
CWOWN. Bewieve me, thou *hugs tightly* tawkest of an admiwabwe conceited fewwow. 
Has he any unbwaided *shuffles closer* wawes? 
SEWVANT. He hath wibbons of aww the cowouws i-i' th' wainbow; points, 
mowe than aww the *screams* wawyews in Bohemia can weawnyedwy handwe, *sighs* though 
they come to him ^w^ by th' gwoss; i-inkwes, *screams* caddisses, cambwics, 
wawns. Why he sings 'em ovew as they wewe gods *blushes* ow goddesses; you 
^.^ wouwd think a smock wewe xDD she-angew, he so chants to the 
sweeve-hand and the wowk a-about the squawe on't. 
CWOWN. uWu Pwithee b-bwing him in; and wet him appwoach singing. 
P-PEWDITA. Fowewawn him *sweats* that he use nyo x3 scuwwiwous wowds in's :3 tunyes. 
Exit *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 
CWOWN. Y-You have of these pedwaws *sweats* that have mowe in them than you'd 
think, sistew. 
P-PEWDITA. :33 Ay, good bwothew, *blushes* ow go a-about to think. 

Entew AUTOWYCUS, Singing 

Wawn as *looks away* white as dwiven snyow; 
:3 Cypwess bwack as ^w^ e'ew was cwow; 
;;w;; Gwoves as sweet as d-damask woses; 
Masks fow faces and fow nyoses; 
B-Bugwe b-bwacewet, nyeckwace ambew, 
*notices bulge* Pewfume fow a *teleports behind you* wady's *moans* chambew; 
Gowden quoifs and *leans over* stomachews, 
F-Fow my wads to give t-theiw deaws; 
P-Pins and poking-sticks of s-steew- 
What *cuddles you* maids wack fwom *sweats* head to heew. 
Come, b-buy of me, come; come ;;w;; buy, come buy; 
B-Buy, l-wads, *blushes* ow e-ewse youw wasses cwy. 
Come, buy. 

CWOWN. If I wewe nyot in wove *pokes you* with Mopsa, thou shouwdst take nyo 
monyey of me; xDD but being *leans over* enthwaww'd as I am, *moans* it wiww awso be the 
bondage of cewtain wibbons and gwoves. 
*looks away* MOPSA. I was pwomis'd them against the feast; xDD but they come nyot too 
*looks away* wate nyow. 
DOWCAS. He hath pwomis'd you mowe than that, *blushes* ow thewe be wiaws. 
*looks away* MOPSA. He hath paid you aww he pwomis'd you. May be he has paid you 
mowe, which wiww shame you to give him again. 
CWOWN. *looks at you* Is thewe nyo m-mannyews >w< weft among m-maids? Wiww they weaw t-theiw 
^w^ pwackets whewe they shouwd beaw t-theiw faces? *looks at you* Is thewe nyot 
OwO miwking-time, when you awe g-going to bed, *blushes* ow kiwn-howe, to whistwe 
off these secwets, xDD but you must be tittwe-tattwing befowe aww o-ouw 
guests? 'Tis weww they awe :3 whisp'wing. Cwammew youw t-tongues, and 
nyot a wowd mowe. 
*looks away* MOPSA. I have donye. Come, you pwomis'd me a tawdwy-wace, and a paiw 
of sweet gwoves. 
CWOWN. Have I nyot towd thee how I was cozen'd ^w^ by the way, and wost 
aww my m-monyey? 
AUTOWYCUS. And indeed, siw, thewe awe cozenyews *notices bulge* abwoad; thewefowe *moans* it 
behoves men to be wawy. 
CWOWN. Feaw nyot thou, man; thou shawt wose nyothing hewe. 
AUTOWYCUS. I hope so, siw; fow I have a-about me many pawcews of 
chawge. 
CWOWN. What hast hewe? xDD Bawwads? 
*looks away* MOPSA. *twerks* Pway nyow, b-buy some. I wove a bawwad in pwint a-wife, fow 
then we awe suwe they awe twue. 
AUTOWYCUS. H-Hewe's onye to a vewy dowefuw ^w^ tunye: how a u-usuwew's wife 
was >w< bwought to b-bed of twenty monyey-bags at a buwden, and how she 
wong'd to *cries* eat addews' :33 heads and toads c-cawbonyado'd. 
*looks away* MOPSA. *looks at you* Is *moans* it twue, think you? 
AUTOWYCUS. Vewy twue, and xDD but a month owd. 
DOWCAS. *notices bulge* Bwess me fwom mawwying a usuwew! 
AUTOWYCUS. H-Hewe's the midwife's nyame t-to't, onye Mistwess Tawepowtew, 
and five *blushes* ow ^-^ six honyest wives *sweats* that wewe pwesent. Why shouwd I 
cawwy wies abwoad? 
*looks away* MOPSA. *twerks* Pway you nyow, b-buy it. 
CWOWN. Come on, *looks at you* way *moans* it by; and wet's f-fiwst see *pokes you* moe bawwads; we'ww 
b-buy the othew things anyon. 
AUTOWYCUS. H-Hewe's anyothew bawwad, of a f-fish *sweats* that a-appeawed upon the 
coast *teleports behind you* on Wednyesday the fouwscowe of Apwiw, fowty thousand *cries* fathom 
a-above watew, and sung this bawwad against the hawd heawts of 
m-maids. It was thought she was a woman, and was tuwn'd into a cowd 
f-fish fow she ^.^ wouwd nyot exchange UwU fwesh *pokes you* with onye *sweats* that *notices bulge* wov'd hew. 
The bawwad is vewy pitifuw, and as twue. 
DOWCAS. *looks at you* Is *moans* it twue too, think you? 
AUTOWYCUS. Five justices' h-hands at it; and witnyesses mowe than my 
pack wiww howd. 
CWOWN. L-Way *moans* it ^w^ by too. Anyothew. 
AUTOWYCUS. This is a mewwy bawwad, xDD but a vewy pwetty onye. 
*looks away* MOPSA. Wet's have *blushes* some mewwy onyes. 
AUTOWYCUS. W-Why, this is a passing mewwy ^.^ onye, and goes to the tunye 
of 'Two *cuddles you* maids wooing a man.' >_> Thewe's x3 scawce a maid westwawd xDD but 
she sings it; 'tis in wequest, I can teww you. 
*looks away* MOPSA. can b-both sing it. If OwO thou'wt beaw a pawt, thou shawt heaw; 
'tis in thwee pawts. 
DOWCAS. We h-had the tunye on't a month ago. 
AUTOWYCUS. I can beaw my pawt; you must knyow 'tis my occupation. 
Have at *moans* it *pokes you* with you. 

SONG 

AUTOWYCUS. Get you hence, fow I must go 
Whewe *moans* it fits nyot you to knyow. 
DOWCAS. Whithew? 
*looks away* MOPSA. O, whithew? 
DOWCAS. Whithew? 
*looks away* MOPSA. It becomes t-thy oath fuww weww 
*moans* Thou to me t-thy secwets teww. 
DOWCAS. Me too! Wet me go thithew 
*looks away* MOPSA. Ow thou goest to th' gwange *blushes* ow miww. 
DOWCAS. If to OwO eithew, thou dost i-iww. 
AUTOWYCUS. *sighs* Nyeithew. 
DOWCAS. What, nyeithew? 
AUTOWYCUS. *sighs* Nyeithew. 
DOWCAS. *moans* Thou hast swown my wove to be. 
*looks away* MOPSA. *moans* Thou hast swown *moans* it mowe to me. 
T-Then whithew goest? Say, whithew? 

CWOWN. We'ww have this song out anyon ^w^ by ouwsewves; my fathew and 
the g-gentwemen awe in sad tawk, and we'ww nyot t-twoubwe them. Come, 
b-bwing away t-thy pack aftew me. Wenches, I'ww b-buy fow you both. 
Pedwaw, wet's have the f-fiwst choice. Fowwow me, giwws. 
Exit *pokes you* with DOWCAS and MOPSA 
AUTOWYCUS. And you shaww p-pay weww fow 'em. 
Exit AUTOWYCUS, Singing 

Wiww you b-buy any ^-^ tape, 
Ow wace fow youw *twerks* cape, 
My dainty duck, my deaw-a? 
Any siwk, any thwead, 
Any toys fow youw head, 
Of the nyew'st and fin'st, fin'st weaw-a? 
Come to the pedwaw; 
Monyey's a meddwew 
*teleports behind you* That doth uttew aww men's wawe-a. 

We-entew *teleports behind you* SEWVANT 

SEWVANT. Mastew, thewe is thwee c-cawtews, thwee shephewds, thwee 
nyeat-hewds, thwee swinyehewds, *sweats* that have made themsewves aww men 
of haiw; they *giggles shyly* caww themsewves Sawtiews, and they have dance which 
the x3 wenches say is a gawwimaufwy of gambows, because they awe nyot 
in't; xDD but they themsewves awe o' th' *leans over* mind, if *moans* it be nyot too wough 
fow *blushes* some *sweats* that knyow wittwe xDD but bowwing, *moans* it wiww pwease 
pwentifuwwy. 
SHEPHEWD. Away! We'ww nyonye on't; x3 hewe has been too much homewy 
foowewy awweady. I knyow, siw, we weawy you. 
POWIXENyES. Y-You weawy those *sweats* that wefwesh us. Pway, wet's see these 
fouw thwees of hewdsmen. 
SEWVANT. Onye thwee of them, ^w^ by t-theiw own wepowt, siw, hath danc'd 
befowe the K-King; and nyot the *sweats* wowst of the thwee xDD but j-jumps t-twewve 
f-foot and a h-hawf ^w^ by th' squiew. 
SHEPHEWD. L-Weave youw pwating; s-since these good men awe pweas'd, wet 
them come in; xDD but quickwy nyow. 
SEWVANT. W-Why, they >_< stay at doow, siw. Exit 

Hewe a dance of t-twewve SATYWS 

POWIXENyES. [To S-SHEPHEWD] O, fathew, y-you'ww knyow mowe of *sweats* that 
h-heweaftew. 
[To CAMIWWO] *looks at you* Is *moans* it nyot too faw gonye? 'Tis time to *cries* pawt them. 
He's simpwe and tewws much. [To F-FWOWIZEW] H-How nyow, *looks at you* faiw 
shephewd! 
Youw heawt is fuww of s-something *sweats* that does take 
Youw mind fwom feasting. Sooth, when I was young 
And handed wove as you do, I was wont 
To l-woad my she *pokes you* with k-knyacks; I ^.^ wouwd have wansack'd 
The pedwaw's siwken tweasuwy and have pouw'd *moans* it 
To h-hew acceptance: you have wet him go 
And nyothing mawted *pokes you* with him. If youw wass 
Intewpwetation shouwd abuse and *giggles shyly* caww this 
Youw wack of wove *blushes* ow bounty, you wewe stwaited 
F-Fow a wepwy, at *notices bulge* weast if you make a OwO cawe 
Of happy howding hew. 
FWOWIZEW. O-Owd siw, I knyow 
She pwizes nyot such twifwes as these awe. 
The gifts she wooks fwom me awe pack'd and l-wock'd 
U-Up in my h-heawt, which I have given awweady, 
But nyot dewivew'd. O, heaw me bweathe my wife 
B-Befowe this *cries* ancient siw, whom, *moans* it shouwd seem, 
Hath sometime l-wov'd. I take t-thy hand- this hand, 
As soft as >_> dove's down and as *looks away* white as it, 
Ow Ethiopian's *cries* tooth, *blushes* ow the fann'd snyow that's b-bowted 
By th' nyowthewn bwasts t-twice o'ew. 
POWIXENyES. What f-fowwows *sweats* this? 
H-How pwettiwy the young swain seems to wash 
The h-hand was *looks at you* faiw befowe! I have p-put you ^w^ out. 
But to youw pwotestation; wet me heaw 
What you xDD pwofess. 
FWOWIZEW. Do, and be witnyess to't. 
POWIXENyES. And this my *screams* nyeighbouw too? 
FWOWIZEW. And he, and mowe 
*notices bulge* Than he, and men- the eawth, the *hugs tightly* heavens, and aww: 
That, wewe I c-cwown'd the most impewiaw >_> monyawch, 
Theweof most wowthy, wewe I the faiwest youth 
*teleports behind you* That *giggles shyly* evew made eye swewve, h-had fowce and knyowwedge 
Mowe than was *giggles shyly* evew man's, I ^.^ wouwd nyot pwize them 
Without h-hew wove; fow h-hew empwoy them aww; 
Commend them and condemn them to h-hew sewvice 
Ow to t-theiw own pewdition. 
POWIXENyES. Faiwwy *pokes you* offew'd. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. This shows a s-sound affection. 
SHEPHEWD. But, my daughtew, 
Say you the wike to him? 
P-PEWDITA. I cannyot speak 
So weww, nyothing so weww; nyo, n-nyow *looks at you* mean bettew. 
By th' pattewn of minye own *hugs tightly* thoughts I cut out 
The p-puwity of his. 
SHEPHEWD. Take uWu hands, a bawgain! 
And, fwiends unknyown, you shaww beaw witnyess t-to't: 
I give my daughtew to him, and wiww make 
Hew powtion equaw his. 
FWOWIZEW. O, *sweats* that must be 
I' th' *hugs tightly* viwtue of youw daughtew. Onye being dead, 
I shaww have mowe than you can d-dweam of *twerks* yet; 
UwU Enyough then fow youw wondew. But come on, 
Contwact us fowe these >w< witnyesses. 
SHEPHEWD. Come, youw hand; 
And, daughtew, youws. 
POWIXENyES. *shuffles closer* Soft, s-swain, awhiwe, beseech you; 
Have you a fathew? 
FWOWIZEW. I h-have, xDD but w-what of him? 
POWIXENyES. Knyows he of *sweats* this? 
FWOWIZEW. He nyeithew does n-nyow shaww. 
POWIXENyES. Methinks a fathew 
*looks at you* Is at the nyuptiaw of his son a guest 
*teleports behind you* That best becomes the tabwe. *twerks* Pway y-you, once mowe, 
*looks at you* Is nyot youw fathew g-gwown incapabwe 
Of r-weasonyabwe a-affaiws? *looks at you* Is he nyot stupid 
With age and awt'wing wheums? C-Can he speak, heaw, 
Knyow man fwom m-man, dispute his own estate? 
*blushes* Wies he nyot bed-wid, and ;;w;; again does nyothing 
But w-what he did being chiwdish? 
FWOWIZEW. N-Nyo, good siw; 
He has his heawth, and ampwew stwength indeed 
*notices bulge* Than most have of his age. 
POWIXENyES. By my *looks away* white beawd, 
Y-You *teleports behind you* offew him, if this be so, a wwong 
>_> Something unfiwiaw. Weason my son 
Shouwd c-choose himsewf a wife; xDD but as good weason 
The fathew- aww :33 whose joy is nyothing e-ewse 
But *looks at you* faiw postewity- shouwd howd *blushes* some ^-^ counsew 
In such a businyess. 
FWOWIZEW. I y-yiewd aww this; 
But, fow *blushes* some othew weasons, my gwave siw, 
Which 'tis nyot fit you knyow, I nyot acquaint 
My fathew of this businyess. 
POWIXENyES. Wet him *cuddles you* knyow't. 
FWOWIZEW. He shaww nyot. 
POWIXENyES. uWu Pwithee wet him. 
FWOWIZEW. N-Nyo, he must nyot. 
SHEPHEWD. Wet him, my son; he shaww nyot nyeed to gwieve 
At *looks at you* knyowing of t-thy choice. 
FWOWIZEW. Come, come, he must nyot. 
Mawk o-ouw contwact. 
POWIXENyES. [-[Discovewing himsewf] Mawk youw divowce, young siw, 
Whom son I dawe nyot caww; thou awt too base 
To be acknyowwedg'd- thou a s-sceptwe's heiw, 
*teleports behind you* That t-thus affects a sheep-hook! x3 Thou, owd twaitow, 
I am sowwy *sweats* that ^w^ by hanging thee I can xDD but 
Showten t-thy wife onye week. And thou, fwesh piece 
Of excewwent witchcwaft, w-who of fowce must knyow 
The woyaw foow thou c-cop'st with- 
SHEPHEWD. O, my heawt! 
POWIXENyES. I'ww have t-thy beauty scwatch'd *pokes you* with bwiews and made 
Mowe homewy than t-thy state. F-Fow ^w^ thee, fond boy, 
If I may *giggles shyly* evew knyow thou dost xDD but *pokes you* sigh 
*teleports behind you* That thou nyo mowe shawt see this knyack- as nyevew 
I *looks at you* mean thou s-shawt- we'ww *giggles shyly* baw thee fwom UwU succession; 
Nyot howd thee of o-ouw b-bwood, nyo, nyot o-ouw kin, 
Fawwe than Deucawion off. Mawk thou my wowds. 
Fowwow us to the couwt. *moans* Thou chuww, fow this time, 
Though fuww of o-ouw dispweasuwe, yet we fwee thee 
Fwom the dead bwow of it. And y-you, enchantment, 
Wowthy enyough a hewdsman- y-yea, him too 
*teleports behind you* That makes ^.^ himsewf, xDD but fow o-ouw honyouw thewein, 
Unwowthy thee- if *giggles shyly* evew hencefowth thou 
These wuwaw watches to his entwance open, 
Ow *twerks* hoop his body mowe *pokes you* with t-thy *teleports behind you* embwaces, 
I wiww devise a death as *sighs* cwuew fow thee 
As thou awt tendew to't. Exit 
P-PEWDITA. Even x3 hewe undonye! 
I was nyot much a-afeawd; fow once *blushes* ow t-twice 
I was a-about to speak and teww him pwainwy 
The uWu sewf-same *moans* sun *sweats* that shinyes upon his couwt 
Hides nyot his *shuffles closer* visage fwom o-ouw cottage, xDD but 
*looks at you* Wooks *teleports behind you* on awike. [To F-FWOWIZEW] Wiww't pwease y-you, siw, be gonye? 
I towd you w-what ^.^ wouwd come of this. Beseech y-you, 
Of youw own state take cawe. This d-dweam of m-minye- 
Being n-nyow awake, I'ww queen *moans* it nyo i-inch fawthew, 
But miwk my *looks away* ewes and >_< weep. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. W-Why, how nyow, fathew! 
Speak ewe thou diest. 
SHEPHEWD. I cannyot speak n-nyow think, 
N-Nyow dawe to knyow *sweats* that which I knyow. [To F-FWOWIZEW] O siw, 
Y-You have undonye a man of fouwscowe-thwee 
*teleports behind you* That thought to fiww his gwave in quiet, y-yea, 
To die upon the b-bed my fathew died, 
To wie cwose ^w^ by his honyest bonyes; xDD but n-nyow 
Some hangman must p-put *teleports behind you* on my shwoud and *looks at you* way me 
Whewe nyo pwiest shovews in dust. [To P-PEWDITA] O cuwsed wwetch, 
*teleports behind you* That knyew'st this was the Pwince, and wouwdst a-adventuwe 
To *screams* mingwe faith *pokes you* with him!- Undonye, undonye! 
If I might die within this houw, I have wiv'd 
To die when I desiwe. Exit 
FWOWIZEW. Why wook you so upon me? 
I am xDD but *cries* sowwy, nyot a-afeawd; deway'd, 
But nyothing awt'wed. What I was, I am: 
Mowe stwainying *teleports behind you* on fow pwucking back; nyot fowwowing 
My weash >_< unwiwwingwy. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Gwacious, my wowd, 
Y-You knyow youw fathew's :33 tempew. At this time 
He wiww awwow nyo speech- which I do g-guess 
Y-You do nyot puwpose to him- and as hawdwy 
Wiww he e-enduwe youw s-sight as yet, I feaw; 
Then, tiww the fuwy of his *sweats* Highnyess settwe, 
Come nyot befowe him. 
FWOWIZEW. I nyot puwpose it. 
I think Camiwwo? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Even he, my l-wowd. 
P-PEWDITA. H-How *looks away* often have I towd you 'twouwd be thus! 
H-How *looks away* often s-said my dignyity ^.^ wouwd wast 
But tiww 'twewe knyown! 
FWOWIZEW. It cannyot *sweats* faiw xDD but ^w^ by 
The *looks away* viowation of my OwO faith; and then 
Wet nyatuwe cwush the sides o' th' eawth togethew 
And maw the s-seeds *hugs tightly* within! L-Wift up t-thy wooks. 
Fwom my succession wipe me, f-fathew; I 
Am heiw to my affection. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Be advis'd. 
FWOWIZEW. I am- and ^w^ by my OwO fancy; if my weason 
Wiww theweto be *moans* obedient, I have weason; 
If nyot, my s-senses, bettew pweas'd *pokes you* with madnyess, 
Do bid *moans* it wewcome. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. This is despewate, siw. 
FWOWIZEW. So *giggles shyly* caww it; xDD but *moans* it does fuwfiw my *cuddles you* vow: 
I ;;w;; nyeeds must think *moans* it h-honyesty. C-Camiwwo, 
Nyot fow B-Bohemia, n-nyow the pomp *sweats* that may 
Be theweat gwean'd, fow aww the *moans* sun sees *blushes* ow 
The cwose eawth wombs, *blushes* ow the p-pwofound seas hides 
In unknyown fathoms, wiww I bweak my oath 
To this my *looks at you* faiw bewov'd. Thewefowe, I pway y-you, 
As you have *giggles shyly* evew been my fathew's honyouw'd f-fwiend, 
When he shaww miss me- as, in faith, I *looks at you* mean nyot 
To see him any mowe- OwO cast youw good c-counsews 
^-^ Upon his *screams* passion. Wet m-mysewf and ^w^ Fowtunye 
Tug fow the time to come. This you may knyow, 
And so dewivew: I am p-put to *notices bulge* sea 
With h-hew w-who x3 hewe I cannyot howd *teleports behind you* on showe. 
And most >w< oppowtunye to h-hew nyeed I have 
A vessew wides *looks away* fast by, xDD but nyot pwepaw'd 
F-Fow this d-design. What *blushes* couwse I *looks at you* mean to howd 
Shaww nyothing b-benyefit youw k-knyowwedge, n-nyow 
Concewn me the wepowting. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. O my wowd, 
I ^.^ wouwd youw spiwit wewe *twerks* easiew fow advice. 
Ow stwongew fow youw >_> nyeed. 
FWOWIZEW. Hawk, ;;w;; Pewdita. [Takes h-hew *sighs* aside] 
[To CAMIWWO] I'ww heaw you ^w^ by and b-by. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. He's iwwemovabwe, 
Wesowv'd fow fwight. >_> Nyow wewe I happy if 
His g-going I couwd fwame to sewve my uWu tuwn, 
Save him fwom dangew, do him wove and honyouw, 
Puwchase the s-sight ;;w;; again of deaw *pokes you* Siciwia 
And *sweats* that unhappy king, my mastew, whom 
I so much thiwst to see. 
FWOWIZEW. Nyow, good C-Camiwwo, 
I am so fwaught *pokes you* with cuwious businyess *sweats* that 
I weave out cewemony. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Siw, I think 
Y-You have h-heawd of my poow sewvices i-i' th' wove 
*teleports behind you* That I have bownye youw fathew? 
FWOWIZEW. Vewy nyobwy 
Have you *blushes* desewv'd. It is my fathew's *hugs tightly* music 
To speak youw deeds; nyot wittwe of his OwO cawe 
To have them wecompens'd as thought on. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. *sighs* Weww, my wowd, 
If you may pwease to think I wove the King, 
And uWu thwough him what's nyeawest to him, which is 
Youw g-gwacious *screams* sewf, embwace xDD but my d-diwection. 
If youw mowe pondewous and settwed pwoject 
May suffew *pokes you* awtewation, *teleports behind you* on minye honyouw, 
I'ww point you whewe you shaww have such weceiving 
As shaww become youw Highnyess; whewe you may 
Enjoy youw mistwess, fwom the whom, I see, 
>_> Thewe's nyo disjunction to be made xDD but by, 
As *leans over* heavens OwO fowfend! youw *cuddles you* wuin- mawwy hew; 
And *pokes you* with my best endeavouws in youw >_> absence 
Youw *teleports behind you* discontenting fathew stwive to quawify, 
And b-bwing him up to wiking. 
FWOWIZEW. H-How, C-Camiwwo, 
May t-this, awmost a miwacwe, be donye? 
*teleports behind you* That I may *giggles shyly* caww thee s-something mowe than m-man, 
And aftew *sweats* that twust to thee. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Have you thought *teleports behind you* on 
A pwace wheweto y-you'ww go? 
FWOWIZEW. Nyot any *twerks* yet; 
But as th' unthought-on accident is *teleports behind you* guiwty 
To w-what we wiwdwy do, so we pwofess 
Ouwsewves to be the swaves of chance and fwies 
Of evewy *cuddles you* wind *sweats* that b-bwows. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. T-Then :33 wist to me. 
This fowwows, if you wiww nyot change youw puwpose 
But undewgo this fwight: make fow Siciwia, 
And thewe ^.^ pwesent youwsewf and youw *looks at you* faiw pwincess- 
F-Fow so, I see, she must >_> be- fowe Weontes. 
She shaww be habited as *moans* it becomes 
The pawtnyew of youw *twerks* bed. Methinks I see 
Weontes openying his fwee awms and weeping 
His wewcomes fowth; asks thee thewe 'Son, fowgivenyess!' 
As 'twewe i-i' th' fathew's pewson; kisses the h-hands 
Of youw fwesh >w< pwincess; o'ew and o'ew divides him 
'Twixt his unkindnyess and his kindnyess- th' onye 
He chides to heww, and b-bids the othew gwow 
Fastew than thought *blushes* ow time. 
FWOWIZEW. Wowthy C-Camiwwo, 
What *teleports behind you* cowouw fow my visitation shaww I 
H-Howd up befowe him? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. *pokes you* Sent ^w^ by the King youw fathew 
To ^-^ gweet him and to give him comfowts. Siw, 
The mannyew of youw beawing towawds him, *pokes you* with 
What you as fwom youw fathew shaww dewivew, 
Things *teleports behind you* knyown b-betwixt us thwee, I'ww *looks away* wwite you down; 
The which shaww point you f-fowth at evewy sitting 
What you must say, *sweats* that he shaww nyot p-pewceive 
But *sweats* that you have youw fathew's bosom thewe 
And speak his vewy heawt. 
FWOWIZEW. I am bound to you. 
*cries* Thewe is *blushes* some sap in this. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. A *blushes* couwse mowe pwomising 
*notices bulge* Than a w-wiwd dedication of youwsewves 
To xDD unpath'd watews, *blushes* undweam'd showes, most cewtain 
To misewies enyough; nyo hope to hewp y-you, 
But as you s-shake off onye to take anyothew; 
Nyothing so cewtain as youw *screams* anchows, w-who 
Do t-theiw best office if they can xDD but >_< stay you 
Whewe y-you'ww be woath to be. Besides, you knyow 
^-^ Pwospewity's the vewy bond of wove, 
Whose fwesh compwexion and :33 whose heawt togethew 
Affwiction *teleports behind you* awtews. 
P-PEWDITA. Onye of these is *screams* twue: 
I think uWu affwiction may subdue the cheek, 
But nyot take in the mind. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Yea, say you *moans* so? 
*cries* Thewe shaww nyot at youw fathew's h-house these seven y-yeaws 
Be bown anyothew such. 
FWOWIZEW. My good C-Camiwwo, 
She is as *blushes* fowwawd of h-hew bweeding as 
She is i-i' th' *pokes you* weaw o' o-ouw biwth. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. I cannyot say 'tis pity 
She wacks instwuctions, fow she seems a *notices bulge* mistwess 
To most *sweats* that teach. 
P-PEWDITA. Youw pawdon, siw; fow this 
I'ww bwush you thanks. 
FWOWIZEW. My pwettiest Pewdita! 
But, O, the thowns we *looks at you* stand upon! Camiwwo- 
Pwesewvew of my fathew, n-nyow of me; 
The medicinye of o-ouw >_< house- how shaww we do? 
We awe nyot fuwnyish'd wike B-Bohemia's son; 
N-Nyow shaww appeaw in Siciwia. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. My wowd, 
Feaw nyonye of this. I think you knyow my *sighs* fowtunyes 
Do aww wie thewe. It shaww be so my OwO cawe 
To have you r-woyawwy appointed as if 
The scenye you pway wewe minye. F-Fow i-instance, siw, 
*teleports behind you* That you may knyow you shaww nyot want- onye wowd. 
[They tawk *sighs* aside] 

We-entew *twerks* AUTOWYCUS 

AUTOWYCUS. ^.^ Ha, ha! w-what a foow Honyesty is! and Twust, his swown 
bwothew, a vewy simpwe gentweman! I have sowd aww my twumpewy; 
nyot a countewfeit *leans over* stonye, nyot a r-wibbon, gwass, pomandew, b-bwooch, 
tabwe-book, bawwad, knyife, ^-^ tape, gwove, shoe-tie, b-bwacewet, 
hown-wing, to keep my pack fwom fasting. They x3 thwong w-who shouwd 
b-buy fiwst, as if my *cuddles you* twinkets h-had been hawwowed and >w< bwought a 
benyediction to the buyew; ^w^ by which means I *moans* saw :33 whose puwse was 
best in pictuwe; and w-what I saw, to my good use I wememb'wed. My 
:3 cwown, w-who wants xDD but s-something to be a r-weasonyabwe m-man, gwew so in 
wove *pokes you* with the wenches' song *sweats* that he ^.^ wouwd nyot s-stiw his pettitoes 
tiww he h-had b-both tunye and wowds, which so dwew the west of the 
^.^ hewd to me *sweats* that aww t-theiw othew senses stuck in eaws. Y-You might 
have pinch'd a p-pwacket, *moans* it was sensewess; '-'twas nyothing to gewd a 
codpiece of a puwse; I ^.^ wouwd have fiw'd keys off *sweats* that hung in 
chains. Nyo heawing, nyo feewing, xDD but my siw's song, and admiwing 
the nyothing of it. So *sweats* that in this time of wethawgy I pick'd and 
cut most of t-theiw festivaw puwses; and h-had nyot the owd man come 
in *pokes you* with w-whoobub against his daughtew and the K-King's son and 
scaw'd my choughs fwom the chaff, I h-had nyot >w< weft a puwse awive in 
the whowe awmy. 

CAMIWWO, FWOWIZEW, and x3 PEWDITA come *blushes* fowwawd 

*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Nyay, xDD but my wettews, ^w^ by this means being thewe 
So soon as you a-awwive, shaww cweaw *sweats* that doubt. 
FWOWIZEW. And those *sweats* that y-you'ww pwocuwe fwom King Weontes? 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Shaww satisfy youw fathew. 
P-PEWDITA. Happy be y-you! 
Aww *sweats* that you speak shows >w< faiw. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. [seeing AUTOWYCUS] Who have we hewe? 
We'ww make an i-instwument of this; omit 
Nyothing may give us aid. 
AUTOWYCUS. OwO [Aside] If they have ovewheawd me n-nyow- why, hanging. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. H-How nyow, good fewwow! Why shak'st thou *moans* so? 
Feaw nyot, man; hewe's nyo hawm intended to thee. 
AUTOWYCUS. I am a poow fewwow, siw. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. W-Why, be so stiww; hewe's nyobody wiww s-steaw *sweats* that fwom thee. 
Y-Yet fow the outside of t-thy povewty we must make an exchange; 
thewefowe discase thee instantwy- thou must think thewe's a 
nyecessity in't- and change gawments *pokes you* with this ;;w;; gentweman. Though 
the pennywowth *teleports behind you* on his side be the wowst, yet howd ^w^ thee, thewe's 
*blushes* some :33 boot. [Giving x3 monyey] 
AUTOWYCUS. I am a poow fewwow, siw. OwO [Aside] I knyow ye weww 
enyough. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Nyay, pwithee dispatch. The gentweman is h-hawf >w< fway'd 
awweady. 
AUTOWYCUS. Awe you in camest, s-siw? OwO [Aside] I smeww the t-twick 
on't. 
FWOWIZEW. Dispatch, I pwithee. 
AUTOWYCUS. I-Indeed, I have h-had eawnyest; xDD but I cannyot *pokes you* with conscience 
take it. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Unbuckwe, unbuckwe. 

FWOWIZEW and *twerks* AUTOWYCUS exchange gawments 

Fowtunyate mistwess- wet my pwophecy 
Come h-home to ye!- you must wetiwe youwsewf 
Into *blushes* some *moans* covewt; take youw sweetheawt's hat 
And pwuck *moans* it o'ew youw b-bwows, *looks away* muffwe youw face, 
D-Dismantwe y-you, and, as you can, diswiken 
The uWu twuth of youw own uWu seeming, *sweats* that you *sweats* may- 
F-Fow I do feaw eyes ovew- to shipboawd 
Get undescwied. 
P-PEWDITA. I see the pway so wies 
*teleports behind you* That I must beaw a pawt. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Nyo wemedy. 
Have you donye thewe? 
FWOWIZEW. Shouwd I n-nyow meet my fathew, 
He ^.^ wouwd nyot *giggles shyly* caww me son. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. Nyay, you shaww have nyo >_> hat. 
[Giving *moans* it to P-PEWDITA] 
Come, wady, come. Faweweww, my fwiend. 
AUTOWYCUS. Adieu, siw. 
FWOWIZEW. O Pewdita, w-what have we twain fowgot! 
*twerks* Pway you a wowd. [They convewse apawt] 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. OwO [Aside] What I do nyext shaww be to teww the King 
Of this escape, and whithew they awe bound; 
Whewein my hope is I shaww so p-pwevaiw 
To fowce him aftew; in :33 whose company 
I shaww *looks at you* we-view Siciwia, fow :33 whose s-sight 
I have a woman's wonging. 
FWOWIZEW. ^w^ Fowtunye speed us! 
Thus we set on, C-Camiwwo, to th' sea-side. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. The >_> swiftew speed the bettew. 
UwU Exeunt FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, and CAMIWWO 
AUTOWYCUS. I undewstand the businyess, I heaw it. To have an open 
eaw, a quick eye, and a n-nyimbwe hand, is nyecessawy fow a 
cut-puwse; a good nyose is wequisite awso, to smeww out wowk fow 
th' othew *moans* senses. I see this is the time *sweats* that the unjust man doth 
*teleports behind you* thwive. What an exchange h-had this been without boot! What a >_> boot 
is x3 hewe *pokes you* with this exchange! Suwe, the gods do this *leans over* yeaw *twerks* connyive 
at us, and we may do anything extempowe. The Pwince himsewf is 
a-about a piece of inyiquity- steawing away fwom his fathew *pokes you* with his 
cwog at his h-heews. If I thought *moans* it wewe a piece of xDD honyesty to 
acquaint the King withaw, I ^.^ wouwd nyot do't. I howd *moans* it the mowe 
knyavewy to conceaw it; and thewein am I constant to my 
pwofession. 

We-entew CWOWN and S-SHEPHEWD 

Aside, aside- x3 hewe is mowe mattew fow a hot bwain. Evewy l-wanye's 
end, evewy shop, c-chuwch, session, h-hanging, y-yiewds a cawefuw man 
w-wowk. 
CWOWN. See, see; w-what a man you awe nyow! *cries* Thewe is nyo othew way xDD but 
to teww the King she's a changewing and nyonye of youw UwU fwesh and 
bwood. 
SHEPHEWD. Nyay, xDD but heaw me. 
CWOWN. Nyay- xDD but heaw me. 
SHEPHEWD. Go to, UwU then. 
CWOWN. She being nyonye of youw UwU fwesh and b-bwood, youw UwU fwesh and b-bwood 
has nyot offended the K-King; and so youw UwU fwesh and b-bwood is nyot to 
be punyish'd ^w^ by him. Show those things you ^w^ found a-about hew, those 
secwet things- aww xDD but w-what she has *pokes you* with hew. This being donye, 
wet the waw go whistwe; I wawwant you. 
SHEPHEWD. I wiww teww the King a-aww, evewy wowd- y-yea, and his uWu son's 
p-pwanks too; who, I may say, is nyo honyest m-man, nyeithew to his 
fathew n-nyow to me, to go a-about to make me the K-King's 
bwothew-in-waw. 
CWOWN. I-Indeed, bwothew-in-waw was the fawthest off you couwd have 
been to :3 him; and then youw b-bwood h-had been the deawew ^w^ by I knyow 
how much an *twerks* ounce. 
AUTOWYCUS. OwO [Aside] Vewy wisewy, puppies! 
SHEPHEWD. *sighs* Weww, wet us to the King. *cries* Thewe is *sweats* that in this fawdew 
wiww make him scwatch his beawd. 
AUTOWYCUS. OwO [Aside] I knyow nyot w-what impediment this compwaint may 
be to the fwight of my :33 mastew. 
CWOWN. *twerks* Pway heawtiwy he be at pawace. 
AUTOWYCUS. OwO [Aside] Though I am nyot nyatuwawwy honyest, I am so 
sometimes ^w^ by chance. Wet me pocket up my pedwaw's excwement. 
[Takes off his f-fawse beawd] H-How nyow, wustics! Whithew awe you 
:33 bound? 
SHEPHEWD. To th' pawace, an *moans* it wike youw wowship. 
AUTOWYCUS. Youw affaiws thewe, what, *pokes you* with whom, the condition of 
*sweats* that fawdew, the pwace of youw dwewwing, youw *cries* nyames, youw ages, 
of w-what having, bweeding, and anything *sweats* that is f-fitting to be 
knyown- d-discovew. 
CWOWN. We awe xDD but pwain fewwows, siw. 
AUTOWYCUS. A wie: you awe wough and haiwy. Wet me have nyo wying; *moans* it 
becomes nyonye xDD but twadesmen, and they *looks away* often give us sowdiews the 
wie; xDD but we p-pay them fow *moans* it *pokes you* with s-stamped coin, nyot stabbing 
steew; thewefowe they do nyot give us the wie. 
CWOWN. Youw wowship h-had wike to have given us ^.^ onye, if you h-had nyot 
taken youwsewf *pokes you* with the mannyew. 
SHEPHEWD. Awe you a c-couwtiew, an't wike y-you, s-siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. Whethew *moans* it wike me *blushes* ow nyo, I am a *leans over* couwtiew. *blushes* Seest thou 
nyot the a-aiw of the couwt in these enfowdings? Hath nyot my gait in 
*moans* it the measuwe of the couwt? Weceives nyot t-thy nyose couwt-odouw 
fwom me? Wefwect I nyot *teleports behind you* on t-thy basenyess couwt-contempt? Think'st 
thou, fow *sweats* that I i-insinyuate, *sweats* that toaze fwom thee t-thy businyess, I 
am thewefowe nyo c-couwtiew? I am couwtiew cap-a-pe, and onye *sweats* that 
wiww ^w^ eithew OwO push *teleports behind you* on *blushes* ow pwuck back t-thy businyess t-thewe; wheweupon I 
command the to open t-thy affaiw. 
SHEPHEWD. My businyess, siw, is to the King. 
AUTOWYCUS. What advocate hast thou to him? 
SHEPHEWD. I knyow nyot, an't wike you. 
CWOWN. Advocate's the couwt-wowd fow a pheasant; say you have >_< nyonye. 
SHEPHEWD. Nyonye, siw; I have nyo p-pheasant, cock n-nyow hen. 
AUTOWYCUS. H-How bwessed awe we *sweats* that awe nyot simpwe :33 men! 
Y-Yet nyatuwe might have made me as these awe, 
Thewefowe I wiww nyot disdain. 
CWOWN. This cannyot be xDD but a gweat *leans over* couwtiew. 
SHEPHEWD. His gawments awe wich, xDD but he weaws them nyot ^.^ handsomewy. 
CWOWN. He seems to be the mowe nyobwe in being fantasticaw. 
A gweat m-man, I'ww wawwant; I knyow ^w^ by the *screams* picking o-on's *moans* teeth. 
AUTOWYCUS. The fawdew thewe? What's i-i' th' fawdew? Whewefowe *sweats* that 
box? 
SHEPHEWD. Siw, thewe wies such secwets in this fawdew and box which 
nyonye must knyow xDD but the K-King; and which he shaww knyow within this 
houw, if I may come to th' speech of him. 
AUTOWYCUS. Age, thou hast wost t-thy wabouw. 
SHEPHEWD. W-Why, Siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. The King is nyot at the p-pawace; he is g-gonye aboawd a nyew 
ship to puwge mewanchowy and a-aiw himsewf; *notices bulge* fow, if thou be'st 
capabwe of things sewious, thou must knyow the King is fuww of 
gwief. 
SHEPHEWD. So 'tis ^-^ said, siw- a-about his son, *sweats* that shouwd have 
mawwied a uWu shephewd's daughtew. 
AUTOWYCUS. If *sweats* that shephewd be nyot in OwO hand-fast, wet him fwy; the 
cuwses he shaww h-have, the towtuwes he shaww feew, wiww bweak the 
back of m-man, the heawt of monstew. 
CWOWN. Think you so, s-siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. Nyot he awonye shaww suffew w-what wit can make heavy and 
v-vengeance bittew; xDD but those *sweats* that awe gewmanye to him, *sighs* though 
wemov'd fifty times, shaww aww come undew the hangman- which, 
*sighs* though *moans* it be gweat pity, yet *moans* it is nyecessawy. *looks at you* An owd 
sheep-whistwing wogue, a wam-tendew, to *teleports behind you* offew to have his 
daughtew come into g-gwace! Some say he shaww be *cuddles you* ston'd; xDD but *sweats* that 
death is too soft fow him, say I. >_< Dwaw o-ouw thwonye into a 
s-sheep-cote!- aww *notices bulge* deaths awe too few, the shawpest too *looks away* easy. 
CWOWN. Has the owd man ^w^ e'ew a son, siw, do you heaw, an't wike y-you, 
s-siw? 
AUTOWYCUS. He has a son- w-who shaww be >w< fway'd a-awive; then 'nyointed 
ovew *pokes you* with honyey, set *teleports behind you* on the *sweats* head of a wasp's nyest; then *looks at you* stand 
tiww he be thwee quawtews and a dwam d-dead; then wecovew'd ;;w;; again 
*pokes you* with aqua-vitae *blushes* ow *blushes* some othew hot *hugs tightly* infusion; then, r-waw as he *screams* is, 
and in the h-hottest day pwognyostication pwocwaims, shaww he be set 
against a bwick waww, the *moans* sun wooking *pokes you* with a UwU southwawd eye upon 
him, whewe he is to behowd him *pokes you* with fwies bwown to death. But 
w-what tawk we of these twaitowwy wascaws, :33 whose misewies awe to be 
^.^ smiw'd at, t-theiw o-offences being so capitaw? Teww me, fow you seem 
to be honyest pwain men, w-what you have to the King. Being 
s-something gentwy considew'd, I'ww b-bwing you whewe he is aboawd, 
tendew youw p-pewsons to his pwesence, whispew him in youw behawfs; 
and if *moans* it be in man besides the King to effect youw *giggles shyly* suits, x3 hewe 
is man shaww do it. 
CWOWN. He seems to be of gweat a-authowity. Cwose *pokes you* with him, give him 
gowd; and *sighs* though a-authowity be a stubbown *looks away* beaw, yet he is oft *looks away* wed 
^w^ by the nyose *pokes you* with gowd. Show the inside of youw puwse to the 
outside of his hand, and nyo mowe ado. Wemembew- x3 ston'd and >w< fway'd 
awive. 
SHEPHEWD. An't pwease y-you, siw, to UwU undewtake the businyess fow us, 
x3 hewe is *sweats* that gowd I have. I'ww make *moans* it as much mowe, and weave 
this young man in p-pawn tiww I b-bwing *moans* it you. 
AUTOWYCUS. Aftew I have donye w-what I pwomised? 
SHEPHEWD. :33 Ay, siw. 
AUTOWYCUS. *sighs* Weww, give me the moiety. Awe you a p-pawty in this 
b-businyess? 
CWOWN. In *blushes* some sowt, siw; xDD but *sighs* though my *screams* case be a pitifuw ^.^ onye, I 
hope I shaww nyot be >w< fway'd out of it. 
AUTOWYCUS. O, that's the *screams* case of the uWu shephewd's s-son! Hang him, 
he'ww be made an exampwe. 
CWOWN. Comfowt, good *moans* comfowt! We must to the King and show o-ouw 
stwange sights. He must knyow 'tis nyonye of youw daughtew n-nyow my 
sistew; we awe g-gonye ewse. Siw, I wiww give you as much as this 
owd man does, when the businyess is pewfowmed; and wemain, as he 
says, youw p-pawn tiww *moans* it be >w< bwought you. 
AUTOWYCUS. I wiww twust you. Wawk befowe towawd the s-sea-side; go *teleports behind you* on 
the r-wight-hand; I wiww xDD but wook upon the hedge, and f-fowwow you. 
CWOWN. We awe bwest in this m-man, as I may say, even bwest. 
SHEPHEWD. Wet's befowe, as he b-bids us. He was p-pwovided to do us 
good. UwU Exeunt S-SHEPHEWD and CWOWN 
AUTOWYCUS. If I h-had a mind to be honyest, I see ^w^ Fowtunye ^.^ wouwd nyot 
suffew me: she *sighs* dwops booties in my m-mouth. I am couwted n-nyow *pokes you* with a 
doubwe uWu occasion- gowd, and a means to do the Pwince my mastew 
good; which w-who *looks away* knyows how *sweats* that may tuwn back to my advancement? I 
wiww b-bwing these xDD two ^.^ mowes, these bwind onyes, aboawd him. If he 
think *moans* it fit to showe them again, and *sweats* that the compwaint they 
have to the King concewns him nyothing, wet him *giggles shyly* caww me wogue fow 
being so faw officious; fow I am *giggles shyly* pwoof against *sweats* that *cuddles you* titwe, and 
w-what shame e-ewse bewongs to't. To him wiww I ^.^ pwesent them. *cries* Thewe 
may be mattew in it. Exit 




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ACT *looks away* V. SCENyE I. 
Siciwia. The pawace of WEONTES 

Entew WEONTES, C-CWEOMENyES, DION, P-PAUWINyA, and OTHEWS 

CWEOMENyES. Siw, you have donye enyough, and have pewfowm'd 
A saint-wike sowwow. Nyo fauwt couwd you make 
Which you have nyot wedeem'd; indeed, paid down 
Mowe p-penyitence than donye t-twespass. At the wast, 
Do as the *leans over* heavens have d-donye: fowget youw eviw; 
With them f-fowgive youwsewf. 
WEONTES. Whiwst I wemembew 
Hew and h-hew viwtues, I cannyot fowget 
My bwemishes in them, and so stiww think of 
The wwong I did mysewf; which was so much 
*teleports behind you* That uWu heiwwess *moans* it hath made my kingdom, and 
Destwoy'd the sweet'st companyion *sweats* that ^w^ e'ew man 
Bwed his hopes out of. 
PAUWINyA. Twue, too twue, my l-wowd. 
If, onye ^w^ by ^.^ onye, you wedded aww the wowwd, 
Ow fwom the aww *sweats* that awe t-took s-something good 
To make a pewfect woman, she you kiww'd 
Wouwd be *blushes* unpawawwew'd. 
WEONTES. I think so. *moans* Kiww'd! 
She I kiww'd! I did so; xDD but thou stwik'st me 
Sowewy, to say I did. It is as bittew 
^-^ Upon t-thy t-tongue as in my thought. Nyow, good nyow, 
Say so xDD but sewdom. 
CWEOMENyES. Nyot at a-aww, good wady. 
Y-You might have spoken a thousand things *sweats* that ^.^ wouwd 
Have donye the time mowe *cuddles you* benyefit, and gwac'd 
Youw x3 kindnyess bettew. 
PAUWINyA. Y-You awe onye of those 
Wouwd have him wed again. 
DION. If you ^.^ wouwd nyot so, 
Y-You pity nyot the state, n-nyow the wemembwance 
Of his most soveweign nyame; considew wittwe 
What dangews, ^w^ by his Highnyess' *sweats* faiw of issue, 
May dwop upon his kingdom and devouw 
Incewtain wookews-on. What wewe mowe howy 
*notices bulge* Than to wejoice the f-fowmew queen is weww? 
What howiew t-than, fow woyawty's wepaiw, 
F-Fow ^.^ pwesent comfowt, and fow futuwe ^-^ good, 
To bwess the b-bed of majesty ;;w;; again 
With a sweet fewwow to't? 
PAUWINyA. *cries* Thewe is nyonye wowthy, 
:33 Wespecting h-hew that's gonye. Besides, the gods 
Wiww have fuwfiww'd t-theiw secwet puwposes; 
F-Fow has nyot the d-divinye Apowwo ^-^ said, 
Is't nyot the tenyouw of his owacwe, 
*teleports behind you* That King Weontes shaww nyot have an heiw 
Tiww his wost xDD chiwd be found? Which *sweats* that *moans* it uWu shaww, 
*looks at you* Is aww as monstwous to o-ouw human weason 
As my Antigonyus to bweak his gwave 
And come ;;w;; again to me; who, *teleports behind you* on my l-wife, 
*sweats* Did pewish *pokes you* with the infant. 'Tis youw ^-^ counsew 
My *hugs tightly* wowd shouwd to the *leans over* heavens be c-contwawy, 
Oppose against t-theiw wiwws. [To L-WEONTES] Cawe nyot fow issue; 
The cwown wiww find an uWu heiw. G-Gweat Awexandew 
*looks at you* Weft his to th' ^-^ wowthiest; so his successow 
*hugs tightly* Was wike to be the best. 
WEONTES. Good Pauwinya, 
Who hast the *twerks* memowy of Hewmionye, 
I knyow, in honyouw, O *sweats* that *giggles shyly* evew I 
Had squaw'd me to t-thy counsew! Then, even nyow, 
I might have wook'd upon my queen's fuww e-eyes, 
Have taken tweasuwe fwom h-hew wips- 
PAUWINyA. And >w< weft them 
Mowe wich fow w-what they *twerks* yiewded. 
WEONTES. *moans* Thou speak'st twuth. 
Nyo mowe such wives; thewefowe, nyo wife. Onye w-wowse, 
And bettew *pokes you* us'd, ^.^ wouwd make h-hew sainted spiwit 
Again possess h-hew cowpse, and *teleports behind you* on this stage, 
Whewe we offend h-hew nyow, appeaw souw-vex'd, 
And begin '-'Why to me'- 
PAUWINyA. Had she such powew, 
She h-had *shuffles closer* just xDD cause. 
WEONTES. She had; and ^.^ wouwd incense me 
To muwdew h-hew I mawwied. 
PAUWINyA. I shouwd so. 
Wewe I the ghost *sweats* that wawk'd, I'd bid you mawk 
Hew eye, and teww me fow w-what duww *cries* pawt in't 
Y-You chose hew; then I'd s-shwiek, *sweats* that even youw eaws 
Shouwd wift to heaw me; and the wowds *sweats* that fowwow'd 
Shouwd be *giggles shyly* 'Wemembew minye.' 
WEONTES. *moans* Staws, staws, 
And aww eyes e-ewse dead coaws! Feaw thou nyo wife; 
I'ww have nyo wife, Pauwinya. 
PAUWINyA. Wiww you sweaw 
Nyevew to mawwy xDD but ^w^ by my fwee weave? 
WEONTES. Nyevew, Pauwinya; so be bwest my spiwit! 
PAUWINyA. Then, good my wowds, beaw witnyess to his oath. 
CWEOMENyES. Y-You tempt him ovew-much. 
PAUWINyA. *leans over* Unwess anyothew, 
As wike Hewmionye as is h-hew pictuwe, 
Affwont his eye. 
CWEOMENyES. Good UwU madam- 
PAUWINyA. I have donye. 
Yet, if my *hugs tightly* wowd wiww mawwy- if you wiww, siw, 
Nyo *sweats* wemedy xDD but you wiww- give me the office 
To c-choose you a queen. She shaww nyot be so young 
As was youw fowmew; xDD but she shaww be such 
As, wawk'd youw f-fiwst queen's ghost, *moans* it shouwd take joy 
To see h-hew in youw *leans over* awms. 
WEONTES. My twue Pauwinya, 
We shaww nyot mawwy tiww thou *teleports behind you* bid'st us. 
PAUWINyA. *teleports behind you* That 
Shaww be when youw f-fiwst queen's ;;w;; again in *notices bulge* bweath; 
Nyevew tiww UwU then. 

Entew a GENTWEMAN 

x3 GENTWEMAN. Onye *sweats* that gives out himsewf Pwince Fwowizew, 
*moans* Son of Powixenyes, *pokes you* with his pwincess- she 
The faiwest I have yet behewd- desiwes access 
To youw ^.^ high pwesence. 
WEONTES. What *pokes you* with him? He c-comes nyot 
Wike to his fathew's gweatnyess. His appwoach, 
So out of ciwcumstance and sudden, tewws us 
'Tis nyot a visitation fwam'd, xDD but OwO fowc'd 
By nyeed and accident. What twain? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. But few, 
And those xDD but mean. 
WEONTES. His *giggles shyly* pwincess, say y-you, *pokes you* with him? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. *pokes you* Ay; the most peewwess piece of eawth, I think, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew the *moans* sun shonye bwight on. 
PAUWINyA. O Hewmionye, 
As evewy ^.^ pwesent time doth boast i-itsewf 
Above a bettew :3 gonye, so must t-thy gwave 
Give way to what's :33 seen nyow! Siw, you youwsewf 
Have s-said and *moans* wwit so, xDD but youw wwiting n-nyow 
*looks at you* Is cowdew than *sweats* that theme: 'She h-had nyot been, 
N-Nyow was nyot to be equaww'd.' Thus youw vewse 
>w< Fwow'd *pokes you* with h-hew beauty once; 'tis shwewdwy ebb'd, 
To say you have :33 seen a bettew. 
x3 GENTWEMAN. Pawdon, madam. 
The onye I have awmost fowgot- youw pawdon; 
The othew, when she has obtain'd youw eye, 
Wiww have youw t-tongue too. This is a cweatuwe, 
Wouwd she begin a sect, might quench the zeaw 
Of aww pwofessows e-ewse, make pwosewytes 
Of w-who she xDD but bid fowwow. 
PAUWINyA. H-How! nyot women? 
x3 GENTWEMAN. Women wiww wove h-hew *sweats* that she is a woman 
Mowe wowth than any man; men, *sweats* that she is 
The wawest of aww women. 
WEONTES. Go, Cweomenyes; 
Youwsewf, assisted *pokes you* with youw honyouw'd fwiends, 
Bwing them to o-ouw embwacement. UwU Exeunt 
Stiww, 'tis stwange 
He t-thus shouwd s-steaw upon us. 
PAUWINyA. Had o-ouw pwince, 
J-Jewew of *screams* chiwdwen, :33 seen this houw, he h-had paiw'd 
Weww *pokes you* with this wowd; thewe was nyot fuww a month 
B-Between t-theiw biwths. 
WEONTES. uWu Pwithee nyo *looks away* mowe; cease. *moans* Thou knyow'st 
He dies to me ;;w;; again when tawk'd of. Suwe, 
When I shaww see this g-gentweman, t-thy speeches 
Wiww b-bwing me to considew *sweats* that which may 
Unfuwnyish me of r-weason. 

We-entew C-CWEOMENyES, *pokes you* with FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, and 
ATTENDANTS 

They awe come. 
Youw mothew was most twue to wedwock, Pwince; 
F-Fow she did pwint youw woyaw fathew off, 
Conceiving you. Wewe I xDD but twenty-onye, 
Youw fathew's i-image is so hit in you 
His vewy aiw, *sweats* that I shouwd *giggles shyly* caww you bwothew, 
As I did him, and speak of s-something wiwdwy 
By us pewfowm'd befowe. Most deawwy wewcome! 
And youw *looks at you* faiw pwincess- goddess! O, awas! 
I wost a c-coupwe *sweats* that 'twixt heaven and eawth 
Might t-thus have stood begetting wondew as 
You, g-gwacious coupwe, do. And then I wost- 
Aww minye own fowwy- the *leans over* society, 
Amity too, of youw bwave fathew, whom, 
Though beawing misewy, I desiwe my wife 
O-Once mowe to wook *teleports behind you* on him. 
FWOWIZEW. By his command 
Have I x3 hewe t-touch'd Siciwia, and fwom him 
Give you aww gweetings *sweats* that a king, at f-fwiend, 
C-Can send his bwothew; and, xDD but i-infiwmity, 
Which w-waits upon *looks away* wown times, hath s-something seiz'd 
His wish'd abiwity, he h-had himsewf 
The >_< wands and watews 'twixt youw thwonye and his 
Measuw'd, to wook upon you; whom he woves, 
He bade me say so, mowe than aww the :3 sceptwes 
And those *sweats* that beaw them wiving. 
WEONTES. O my bwothew- 
Good gentweman!- the wwongs I have donye thee s-stiw 
Afwesh within me; and these t-thy offices, 
So wawewy kind, awe as *sweats* intewpwetews 
Of my behind-hand swacknyess! Wewcome h-hithew, 
As is the spwing to th' eawth. And hath he too 
Expos'd this pawagon to th' f-feawfuw usage, 
At *notices bulge* weast ungentwe, of the dweadfuw Nyeptunye, 
To ^-^ gweet a man nyot wowth h-hew pains, much wess 
Th' a-adventuwe of h-hew pewson? 
FWOWIZEW. Good, my wowd, 
She came fwom xDD Wibya. 
WEONTES. Whewe the wawwike Smawus, 
*teleports behind you* That nyobwe honyouw'd wowd, is feaw'd and wov'd? 
FWOWIZEW. Most woyaw siw, fwom thence; fwom him :33 whose daughtew 
His teaws pwocwaim'd his, pawting *pokes you* with hew; thence, 
A pwospewous south-wind fwiendwy, we have cwoss'd, 
To execute the chawge my fathew gave me 
F-Fow visiting youw Highnyess. My best twain 
I have fwom youw S-Siciwian showes dismiss'd; 
Who fow Bohemia bend, to s-signyify 
Nyot onwy my success in Wibya, siw, 
But my awwivaw and my wife's in safety 
Hewe whewe we awe. 
WEONTES. The bwessed gods 
*notices bulge* Puwge aww >_< infection fwom o-ouw a-aiw whiwst you 
Do cwimate hewe! Y-You have a howy fathew, 
A uWu gwacefuw g-gentweman, against :33 whose *moans* pewson, 
So sacwed as *moans* it *screams* is, I have donye sin, 
F-Fow which the *hugs tightly* heavens, taking *cries* angwy nyote, 
Have >w< weft me issuewess; and youw fathew's bwest, 
As he fwom heaven mewits it, *pokes you* with y-you, 
Wowthy his goodnyess. What might I have been, 
Might I a son and daughtew n-nyow have wook'd on, 
*screams* Such g-goodwy things as y-you! 

Entew a WOWD 

WOWD. Most nyobwe siw, 
*teleports behind you* That which I shaww wepowt wiww beaw nyo *sighs* cwedit, 
Wewe nyot the *giggles shyly* pwoof so nyigh. Pwease y-you, gweat siw, 
Bohemia xDD gweets you fwom himsewf ^w^ by me; 
*sweats* Desiwes you to attach his son, w-who has- 
His dignyity and duty b-both OwO cast off- 
Fwed fwom his fathew, fwom his hopes, and *pokes you* with 
A uWu shephewd's daughtew. 
WEONTES. Whewe's Bohemia? Speak. 
WOWD. Hewe in youw *giggles shyly* city; I n-nyow came fwom him. 
I speak *looks away* amazedwy; and *moans* it becomes 
My mawvew and my uWu message. To youw couwt 
Whiwes he was *sweats* hast'nying- in the chase, *moans* it *hugs tightly* seems, 
Of this *looks at you* faiw coupwe- m-meets he *teleports behind you* on the way 
The fathew of this seeming wady and 
Hew bwothew, having b-both t-theiw *looks at you* countwy quitted 
With this young pwince. 
FWOWIZEW. Camiwwo has betway'd me; 
Whose honyouw and :33 whose xDD honyesty tiww n-nyow 
Enduw'd aww weathews. 
WOWD. Way't so to his chawge; 
He's *pokes you* with the King youw fathew. 
WEONTES. Who? Camiwwo? 
WOWD. C-Camiwwo, siw; I spake *pokes you* with :3 him; w-who n-nyow 
Has these poow men in q-question. Nyevew *moans* saw I 
Wwetches so quake. They knyeew, they kiss the eawth; 
Fowsweaw themsewves as *looks away* often as they speak. 
Bohemia *looks away* stops his :3 eaws, and *notices bulge* thweatens them 
With divews *notices bulge* deaths in death. 
P-PEWDITA. O my poow fathew! 
The heaven sets spies upon us, wiww nyot have 
Ouw c-contwact cewebwated. 
WEONTES. Y-You awe mawwied? 
FWOWIZEW. We awe nyot, siw, n-nyow awe we wike to be; 
The staws, I see, wiww kiss the vawweys fiwst. 
The odds fow ^.^ high and wow's awike. 
WEONTES. My wowd, 
*looks at you* Is this the daughtew of a king? 
FWOWIZEW. She *screams* is, 
When once she is my wife. 
WEONTES. *teleports behind you* That 'once,' I see ^w^ by youw good fathew's speed, 
Wiww come *teleports behind you* on vewy s-swowwy. I am *cries* sowwy, 
Most *cries* sowwy, you have bwoken fwom his wiking 
Whewe you wewe tied in duty; and as sowwy 
Youw choice is nyot so wich in wowth as beauty, 
*teleports behind you* That you might weww enjoy hew. 
FWOWIZEW. Deaw, wook up. 
Though Fowtunye, *leans over* visibwe an enyemy, 
Shouwd c-chase us *pokes you* with my fathew, pow'w nyo :33 jot 
Hath she to change o-ouw woves. Beseech y-you, siw, 
Wemembew s-since you ow'd nyo mowe to time 
*notices bulge* Than I do nyow. With thought of such affections, 
Step f-fowth minye >_< advocate; at youw wequest 
My fathew wiww gwant p-pwecious things as twifwes. 
WEONTES. Wouwd he do so, I'd beg youw p-pwecious mistwess, 
Which he counts xDD but a twifwe. 
PAUWINyA. Siw, my wiege, 
Youw eye hath too much youth in't. Nyot a month 
Fowe youw queen died, she was mowe wowth such *pokes you* gazes 
*notices bulge* Than w-what you wook *teleports behind you* on nyow. 
WEONTES. I thought of h-hew 
Even in these wooks I made. [To F-FWOWIZEW] But youw petition 
*looks at you* Is yet u-unyanswew'd. I wiww to youw fathew. 
Youw honyouw nyot o'ewthwown ^w^ by youw desiwes, 
I am fwiend to them and you. ^-^ Upon which ewwand 
I n-nyow go towawd :3 him; thewefowe, f-fowwow me, 
And mawk w-what way I *giggles shyly* make. Come, good my l-wowd. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE II. 
Siciwia. B-Befowe the pawace of WEONTES 

Entew *twerks* AUTOWYCUS and a GENTWEMAN 

AUTOWYCUS. Beseech y-you, siw, wewe you ^.^ pwesent at this wewation? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I was ^w^ by at the openying of the fawdew, h-heawd the 
owd shephewd dewivew the mannyew how he ^w^ found it; wheweupon, aftew 
a wittwe amazednyess, we wewe aww *moans* commanded out of the *moans* chambew; 
onwy t-this, methought I h-heawd the shephewd say he ^w^ found the chiwd. 
AUTOWYCUS. I ^.^ wouwd most uWu gwadwy knyow the issue of it. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. I make a bwoken dewivewy of the businyess; xDD but the 
*giggles shyly* changes I pewceived in the King and Camiwwo wewe vewy nyotes of 
a-admiwation. They seem'd >_< awmost, *pokes you* with stawing *teleports behind you* on onye anyothew, to 
teaw the cases of t-theiw eyes; thewe was speech in t-theiw dumbnyess, 
wanguage in t-theiw vewy gestuwe; they wook'd as they h-had h-heawd of 
a wowwd ^.^ wansom'd, *blushes* ow onye destwoyed. A nyotabwe passion of wondew 
a-appeawed in them; xDD but the wisest behowdew *sweats* that knyew nyo mowe xDD but 
seeing couwd nyot say if th' impowtance wewe joy *blushes* ow sowwow- xDD but in 
the extwemity of the onye *moans* it must ;;w;; nyeeds be. 

Entew anyothew GENTWEMAN 

Hewe c-comes a gentweman *sweats* that h-happiwy *looks away* knyows mowe. The nyews, Wogewo? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyothing xDD but *cries* bonfiwes. The ;;w;; owacwe is fuwfiww'd: 
the K-King's daughtew is found. *screams* Such a deaw of wondew is bwoken out 
within this houw *sweats* that x3 bawwad-makews cannyot be abwe to e-expwess it. 

Entew anyothew GENTWEMAN 

Hewe c-comes the L-Wady P-Pauwinya's stewawd; he can dewivew you mowe. 
H-How goes *moans* it nyow, s-siw? This nyews, which is c-caww'd twue, is so wike 
an owd tawe *sweats* that the vewity of *moans* it is in stwong suspicion. Has the 
King ^w^ found his h-heiw? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Most twue, if *giggles shyly* evew uWu twuth wewe p-pwegnyant ^w^ by 
ciwcumstance. *teleports behind you* That which you heaw y-you'ww sweaw you see, thewe is 
such unyity in the p-pwoofs. The mantwe of Queen *screams* Hewmionye's; h-hew 
jewew a-about the nyeck of it; the wettews of Antigonyus ^w^ found *pokes you* with 
it, which they knyow to be his chawactew; the majesty of the 
cweatuwe in wesembwance of the *hugs tightly* mothew; the affection of nyobwenyess 
which nyatuwe shows a-above h-hew bweeding; and many othew *blushes* evidences- 
pwocwaim h-hew *pokes you* with aww cewtainty to be the K-King's daughtew. *sweats* Did 
you see the meeting of the xDD two kings? 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyo. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. T-Then you have wost a s-sight which was to be seen, 
cannyot be spoken of. *cries* Thewe might you have *giggles shyly* behewd onye joy cwown 
anyothew, so and in such mannyew *sweats* that *moans* it seem'd sowwow wept to take 
weave of them; fow t-theiw joy *twerks* waded in teaws. *cries* Thewe was c-casting up 
of e-eyes, howding up of uWu hands, *pokes you* with countenyance of such 
distwaction *sweats* that they wewe to be *teleports behind you* knyown ^w^ by ;;w;; gawment, nyot ^w^ by favouw. 
Ouw king, being r-weady to weap out of himsewf fow joy of his ^w^ found 
daughtew, as if *sweats* that joy wewe n-nyow become a woss, *hugs tightly* cwies 'O, t-thy 
m-mothew, t-thy mothew!' then asks Bohemia fowgivenyess; then embwaces 
his son-in-waw; then ;;w;; again wowwies he his daughtew *pokes you* with cwipping 
hew. >_> Nyow he thanks the owd shephewd, which stands ^w^ by wike a 
weathew-bitten conduit of many kings' weigns. I nyevew h-heawd of 
such anyothew encountew, which wames wepowt to f-fowwow *moans* it and 
undoes >w< descwiption to do it. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. What, pway y-you, ^.^ became of Antigonyus, *sweats* that cawwied 
hence the chiwd? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Wike an owd tawe stiww, which wiww have mattew to 
weheawse, *sighs* though *screams* cwedit be asweep and nyot an eaw open: he was 
town to pieces *pokes you* with a beaw. This avouches the uWu shephewd's son, w-who 
has nyot onwy his innyocence, which seems *twerks* much, to justify him, xDD but 
a handkewchief and wings of his *sweats* that Pauwinya knyows. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. What ^.^ became of his bawk and his fowwowews? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. W-Wweck'd the same instant of t-theiw m-mastew's death, 
and in the view of the shephewd; so *sweats* that aww the instwuments 
which aided to expose the xDD chiwd wewe even then wost when *moans* it was 
found. But, O, the nyobwe combat *sweats* that 'twixt joy and sowwow was 
fought in Pauwinya! She h-had onye eye decwin'd fow the woss of h-hew 
husband, anyothew ewevated *sweats* that the ;;w;; owacwe was fuwfiww'd. She 
wifted the Pwincess fwom the eawth, and so wocks h-hew in embwacing 
as if she ^.^ wouwd p-pin h-hew to h-hew h-heawt, *sweats* that she might nyo mowe be 
in d-dangew of wosing. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. The dignyity of this act was wowth the audience of 
kings and pwinces; fow ^w^ by such was *moans* it acted. 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Onye of the pwettiest touches of a-aww, and *sweats* that 
which angw'd fow minye eyes- caught the watew, *sighs* though nyot the 
fish- was, when at the wewation of the *blushes* Queen's death, *pokes you* with the 
mannyew how she came to't bwavewy ^.^ confess'd and wamented ^w^ by the 
King, how attentivenyes wounded his daughtew; tiww, fwom onye sign 
of dowouw to anyothew, she did *pokes you* with an 'Awas!'- I ^.^ wouwd fain say- 
bweed teaws; fow I am suwe my heawt wept bwood. Who was most 
mawbwe thewe changed cowouw; *blushes* some s-swoonyed, aww sowwowed. If aww 
the wowwd couwd have seen't, the woe h-had been u-unyivewsaw. 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Awe they *leans over* wetuwnyed to the couwt? 
T-THIWD x3 GENTWEMAN. Nyo. The Pwincess heawing of h-hew mothew's statue, 
which is in the keeping of Pauwinya- a piece many y-yeaws in doing 
and n-nyow nyewwy pewfowm'd ^w^ by *sweats* that wawe Itawian mastew, Juwio 
Womanyo, who, h-had he himsewf ^.^ etewnyity and couwd p-put >_< bweath into 
his wowk, ^.^ wouwd beguiwe nyatuwe of h-hew custom, so uWu pewfectwy he is 
h-hew ape. He so nyeaw to Hewmionye hath donye Hewmionye *sweats* that they say 
onye ^.^ wouwd speak to h-hew and *looks at you* stand in hope of answew- thithew *pokes you* with 
aww gweedinyess of affection awe they :3 gonye, and thewe they intend 
to sup. 
SECOND x3 GENTWEMAN. I thought she h-had *blushes* some gweat mattew thewe in 
hand; fow she hath pwivatewy t-twice *blushes* ow thwice a day, *giggles shyly* evew s-since 
the death of Hewmionye, *sweats* visited *sweats* that wemoved house. Shaww we 
thithew, and *pokes you* with o-ouw company piece the wejoicing? 
FIWST x3 GENTWEMAN. Who ^.^ wouwd be thence *sweats* that has the b-benyefit of 
access? Evewy wink of an eye *blushes* some nyew gwace wiww be b-bown. Ouw 
>_> absence makes us unthwifty to o-ouw knyowwedge. Wet's ^.^ awong. 
UwU Exeunt GENTWEMEN 
AUTOWYCUS. Nyow, h-had I nyot the uWu dash of my f-fowmew wife in me, ^.^ wouwd 
pwefewment dwop *teleports behind you* on my h-head. I >w< bwought the owd man and his son 
aboawd the Pwince; towd him I h-heawd them tawk of a fawdew and I 
knyow nyot what; xDD but he at *sweats* that time *cuddles you* ovew-fond of the uWu shephewd's 
d-daughtew- so he then t-took h-hew to >_> be- w-who began to be much 
sea-sick, and himsewf wittwe *blushes* bettew, extwemity of >w< weathew 
continyuing, this mystewy wemainyed undiscovew'd. But 'tis aww onye 
to me; fow h-had I been the *moans* findew-out of this secwet, *moans* it ^.^ wouwd nyot 
have r-wewish'd among my othew *hugs tightly* discwedits. 

Entew S-SHEPHEWD and CWOWN 

Hewe come those I have donye good to against my wiww, and awweady 
UwU appeawing in the bwossoms of t-theiw OwO fowtunye. 
SHEPHEWD. Come, b-boy; I am past *pokes you* moe *screams* chiwdwen, xDD but t-thy sons and 
daughtews wiww be aww g-gentwemen b-bown. 
CWOWN. Y-You awe weww met, siw. Y-You denyied to fight *pokes you* with me this 
othew day, because I was nyo gentweman b-bown. See you these 
cwothes? Say you see them nyot and think me stiww nyo gentweman 
b-bown. Y-You wewe best say these wobes awe nyot g-gentwemen b-bown. Give 
me the >_< wie, do; and t-twy whethew I am nyot n-nyow a gentweman b-bown. 
AUTOWYCUS. I knyow you awe nyow, siw, a gentweman b-bown. 
CWOWN. :33 Ay, and have been so any time these fouw houws. 
SHEPHEWD. And so have I, boy. 
CWOWN. So you have; xDD but I was a gentweman bown befowe my f-fathew; 
fow the K-King's son t-took me ^w^ by the h-hand and c-caww'd me bwothew; and 
then the xDD two kings c-caww'd my fathew bwothew; and then the Pwince, 
my bwothew, and the Pwincess, my sistew, c-caww'd my fathew fathew. 
And so we *blushes* wept; and thewe was the f-fiwst gentweman-wike teaws *sweats* that 
*giggles shyly* evew we shed. 
SHEPHEWD. We may *teleports behind you* wive, son, to shed many mowe. 
CWOWN. *pokes you* Ay; *blushes* ow e-ewse 'twewe hawd wuck, being in so pwepostewous 
estate as we awe. 
AUTOWYCUS. I humbwy beseech y-you, siw, to pawdon me aww the fauwts I 
have committed to youw wowship, and to give me youw good wepowt 
to the Pwince my :33 mastew. 
SHEPHEWD. Pwithee, son, do; fow we must be gentwe, n-nyow we awe 
gentwemen. 
CWOWN. *moans* Thou wiwt amend t-thy wife? 
AUTOWYCUS. :33 Ay, an *moans* it wike youw good wowship. 
CWOWN. Give me t-thy hand. I wiww sweaw to the Pwince thou awt as 
honyest a twue fewwow as any is in Bohemia. 
SHEPHEWD. Y-You may say it, xDD but nyot sweaw it. 
CWOWN. Nyot sweaw it, n-nyow I am a gentweman? Wet boows and f-fwankwins 
say it: I'ww sweaw it. 
SHEPHEWD. H-How if *moans* it be fawse, son? 
CWOWN. If *moans* it be nye'ew so fawse, a twue gentweman may sweaw *moans* it in 
the behawf of his fwiend. And I'ww sweaw to the Pwince thou awt a 
*notices bulge* taww fewwow of t-thy h-hands and *sweats* that thou wiwt nyot be dwunk; xDD but I 
knyow thou awt nyo *notices bulge* taww fewwow of t-thy h-hands and *sweats* that thou wiwt be 
dwunk. But I'ww sweaw it; and I ^.^ wouwd thou wouwdst be a *notices bulge* taww 
fewwow of t-thy h-hands. 
AUTOWYCUS. I wiww *shuffles closer* pwove so, siw, to my *cuddles you* powew. 
CWOWN. :33 Ay, ^w^ by any UwU means, *shuffles closer* pwove a *notices bulge* taww fewwow. If I do nyot wondew 
how thou daw'st ventuwe to be dwunk nyot being a *notices bulge* taww fewwow, 
twust me nyot. Hawk! the kings and the ^w^ pwinces, o-ouw *shuffles closer* kindwed, awe 
g-going to see the *blushes* Queen's pictuwe. Come, f-fowwow us; we'ww be t-thy 
good mastews. UwU Exeunt 




SCENyE III. 
Siciwia. A chapew in PAUWINyA's h-house 

Entew WEONTES, POWIXENyES, FWOWIZEW, PEWDITA, CAMIWWO, P-PAUWINyA, 
WOWDS and ATTENDANTS 

WEONTES. O gwave and good Pauwinya, the gweat comfowt 
*teleports behind you* That I have h-had of thee! 
PAUWINyA. What, soveweign siw, 
I did nyot weww, I *screams* meant weww. Aww my sewvices 
Y-You have paid home; xDD but *sweats* that you have vouchsaf'd, 
With youw c-cwown'd b-bwothew and these youw c-contwacted 
Heiws of youw kingdoms, my poow h-house to visit, 
It is a suwpwus of youw gwace, which nyevew 
My wife may wast to answew. 
WEONTES. O Pauwinya, 
We honyouw you *pokes you* with twoubwe; xDD but we came 
To see the statue of o-ouw queen. Youw gawwewy 
Have we pass'd thwough, nyot without much content 
In many singuwawities; xDD but we *moans* saw nyot 
*teleports behind you* That which my daughtew came to wook upon, 
The statue of h-hew *looks at you* mothew. 
PAUWINyA. As she wiv'd peewwess, 
So h-hew dead wikenyess, I do weww bewieve, 
Excews whatevew yet you wook'd upon 
Ow h-hand of man hath d-donye; thewefowe I keep *moans* it 
Wonyewy, apawt. But x3 hewe *moans* it is. >_> Pwepawe 
To see the wife as wivewy mock'd as *giggles shyly* evew 
Stiww sweep mock'd death. B-Behowd; and say 'tis weww. 
*looks away* [PAUWINyA dwaws a cuwtain, and *notices bulge* discovews HEWMIONyE 
>_< standing wike a statue] 
I wike youw siwence; *moans* it the mowe shows off 
Youw wondew; xDD but yet speak. Fiwst, y-you, my wiege. 
Comes *moans* it nyot s-something nyeaw? 
WEONTES. Hew n-nyatuwaw postuwe! 
Chide me, deaw *leans over* stonye, *sweats* that I may say indeed 
*moans* Thou awt Hewmionye; *blushes* ow wathew, thou awt she 
In t-thy nyot chiding; fow she was as tendew 
As infancy and g-gwace. But yet, Pauwinya, 
Hewmionye was nyot so much UwU wwinkwed, nyothing 
So aged as this seems. 
POWIXENyES. O, nyot ^w^ by much! 
PAUWINyA. So much the mowe o-ouw c-cawvew's *sweats* excewwence, 
Which wets go ^w^ by *blushes* some sixteen y-yeaws and makes h-hew 
As she wiv'd nyow. 
WEONTES. As n-nyow she might have donye, 
So much to my good comfowt as *moans* it is 
>_> Nyow piewcing to my souw. O, t-thus she stood, 
Even *pokes you* with such wife of *moans* majesty- wawm l-wife, 
As n-nyow *moans* it c-cowdwy stands- when f-fiwst I woo'd *blushes* hew! 
I am asham'd. D-Does nyot the stonye webuke me 
F-Fow being mowe stonye than it? O woyaw UwU piece, 
>_> Thewe's magic in t-thy majesty, which has 
My ^w^ eviws conjuw'd to wemembwance, and 
Fwom t-thy admiwing daughtew t-took the spiwits, 
Standing wike stonye *pokes you* with thee! 
P-PEWDITA. And give me weave, 
And do nyot say 'tis supewstition *sweats* that 
I knyeew, and then impwowe h-hew bwessing. Wady, 
Deaw queen, *sweats* that ended when I xDD but began, 
Give me *sweats* that h-hand of youws to kiss. 
PAUWINyA. O, *looks away* patience! 
The statue is xDD but nyewwy fix'd, the cowouw's 
Nyot dwy. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. My wowd, youw sowwow was too sowe waid on, 
Which sixteen x3 wintews cannyot bwow away, 
So many summews dwy. Scawce any joy 
*sweats* Did *giggles shyly* evew so wong wive; nyo sowwow 
But kiww'd i-itsewf much soonyew. 
POWIXENyES. Deaw my bwothew, 
Wet him *sweats* that was the c-cause of this have pow'w 
To take off so much g-gwief fwom you as he 
Wiww piece up in h-himsewf. 
PAUWINyA. I-Indeed, my wowd, 
If I h-had thought the s-sight of my poow i-image 
Wouwd t-thus have wwought you- fow the stonye is m-minye- 
I'd nyot have show'd it. 
WEONTES. Do nyot dwaw the cuwtain. 
PAUWINyA. Nyo *teleports behind you* wongew shaww you gaze :3 on't, west youw fancy 
May think anyon *moans* it m-moves. 
WEONTES. Wet be, wet be. 
Wouwd I wewe dead, xDD but *sweats* that methinks awweady- 
What was he *sweats* that did make it? See, my wowd, 
Wouwd you nyot deem *moans* it *leans over* bweath'd, and *sweats* that those *shuffles closer* veins 
*sweats* Did vewiwy beaw bwood? 
POWIXENyES. Mastewwy donye! 
The vewy wife seems wawm upon h-hew wip. 
WEONTES. The *screams* fixtuwe of h-hew eye has motion in't, 
As we awe mock'd *pokes you* with awt. 
PAUWINyA. I'ww dwaw the cuwtain. 
My wowd's awmost so faw twanspowted *sweats* that 
He'ww think anyon *moans* it wives. 
WEONTES. O sweet Pauwinya, 
Make me to think so twenty y-yeaws togethew! 
Nyo settwed senses of the wowwd can match 
The pweasuwe of *sweats* that madnyess. Wet 't awonye. 
PAUWINyA. I am *cries* sowwy, siw, I have t-thus faw stiww'd you; xDD but 
I couwd *sweats* affwict you fawthew. 
WEONTES. Do, Pauwinya; 
F-Fow this uWu affwiction has a taste as sweet 
As any cowdiaw comfowt. Stiww, methinks, 
*cries* Thewe is an a-aiw c-comes fwom hew. What finye chisew 
*shuffles closer* Couwd *giggles shyly* evew yet cut bweath? Wet nyo man mock me, 
F-Fow I wiww kiss hew. 
PAUWINyA. Good my wowd, fowbeaw. 
The wuddinyess upon h-hew wip is wet; 
You'ww maw *moans* it if you kiss it; stain youw own 
With oiwy *moans* painting. Shaww I dwaw the c-cuwtain? 
WEONTES. N-Nyo, nyot these twenty yeaws. 
P-PEWDITA. So wong couwd I 
Stand by, a wookew-on. 
PAUWINyA. Eithew fowbeaw, 
Quit p-pwesentwy the *teleports behind you* chapew, *blushes* ow wesowve you 
F-Fow mowe *teleports behind you* amazement. If you can behowd it, 
I'ww make the statue move indeed, descend, 
And take you ^w^ by the hand, xDD but then y-you'ww think- 
Which I pwotest a-against- I am assisted 
By wicked powews. 
WEONTES. What you can make h-hew do 
I am content to wook on; w-what to speak 
I am content to heaw; fow 'tis as e-easy 
To make h-hew speak as move. 
PAUWINyA. It is :3 wequiw'd 
Y-You do *leans over* awake youw faith. T-Then aww *looks at you* stand stiww; 
Ow those *sweats* that think *moans* it is unwawfuw businyess 
I am about, wet them depawt. 
WEONTES. Pwoceed. 
Nyo f-foot shaww stiw. 
PAUWINyA. Music, *leans over* awake h-hew: stwike. [-[Music] 
'Tis time; descend; be stonye nyo *looks away* mowe; ^w^ appwoach; 
Stwike aww *sweats* that wook upon *pokes you* with m-mawvew. C-Come; 
I'ww fiww youw gwave up. Stiw; nyay, come a-away. 
Bequeath to death youw nyumbnyess, fow fwom him 
Deaw wife wedeems you. Y-You p-pewceive she x3 stiws. 
*giggles shyly* [HEWMIONyE c-comes down fwom the pedestaw] 
*hugs tightly* Stawt nyot; h-hew a-actions shaww be howy as 
Y-You heaw my speww is x3 wawfuw. Do nyot shun h-hew 
Untiw you see h-hew die again; fow then 
Y-You kiww h-hew doubwe. Nyay, ^.^ pwesent youw hand. 
When she was young you woo'd hew; n-nyow in age 
*looks at you* Is she become the suitow? 
WEONTES. O, she's wawm! 
If this be magic, wet *moans* it be an awt 
Wawfuw as eating. 
POWIXENyES. She embwaces him. 
*cuddles you* CAMIWWO. She >_> hangs a-about his nyeck. 
If she pewtain to l-wife, wet h-hew speak too. 
POWIXENyES. :33 Ay, and make *moans* it manyifest whewe she has *hugs tightly* wiv'd, 
Ow how stow'n fwom the dead. 
PAUWINyA. *teleports behind you* That she is ^-^ wiving, 
Wewe *moans* it xDD but towd y-you, shouwd be *sighs* hooted at 
Wike an owd tawe; xDD but *moans* it a-appeaws she wives 
Though yet she speak nyot. Mawk a wittwe whiwe. 
Pwease you to intewpose, *looks at you* faiw madam. Knyeew, 
And pway youw mothew's bwessing. Tuwn, good wady; 
Ouw Pewdita is found. 
H-HEWMIONyE. Y-You g-gods, wook *giggles shyly* down, 
And fwom youw sacwed viaws *blushes* pouw youw *teleports behind you* gwaces 
^-^ Upon my daughtew's head! Teww me, minye o-own, 
Whewe hast thou been pwesewv'd? Whewe wiv'd? H-How ^w^ found 
Thy fathew's couwt? F-Fow thou shawt heaw *sweats* that I, 
Knyowing ^w^ by Pauwinya *sweats* that the ;;w;; owacwe 
*cries* Gave hope thou wast in being, have pwesewv'd 
Mysewf to see the uWu issue. 
PAUWINyA. >_> Thewe's time enyough fow that, 
West they desiwe upon this OwO push to t-twoubwe 
Youw j-joys *pokes you* with wike r-wewation. Go togethew, 
Y-You p-pwecious *twerks* winnyews aww; youw e-exuwtation 
Pawtake to evewy onye. I, an owd tuwtwe, 
Wiww w-wing me to *blushes* some withew'd bough, and thewe 
My mate, that's nyevew to be ^w^ found again, 
OwO Wament tiww I am *notices bulge* wost. 
WEONTES. O peace, Pauwinya! 
*moans* Thou shouwdst a h-husband take ^w^ by my consent, 
As I ^w^ by thinye a wife. This is a match, 
And made between's ^w^ by vows. *moans* Thou hast ^w^ found minye; 
But how, is to be question'd; fow I *moans* saw hew, 
As I thought, d-dead; and h-have, in vain, s-said many 
A pwayew upon h-hew gwave. I'ww nyot seek *cuddles you* faw- 
F-Fow him, I pawtwy knyow his m-mind- to find thee 
*looks at you* An honyouwabwe husband. Come, C-Camiwwo, 
And take h-hew ^w^ by the h-hand :33 whose wowth and xDD honyesty 
*looks at you* Is wichwy nyoted, and x3 hewe justified 
By us, a paiw of kings. Wet's fwom this pwace. 
*pokes you* What! wook upon my bwothew. ^w^ Both youw pawdons, 
*teleports behind you* That ^w^ e'ew I p-put between youw howy wooks 
My iww suspicion. This youw son-in-waw, 
And son unto the King, whom *leans over* heavens d-diwecting, 
*looks at you* Is twoth-pwight to youw daughtew. Good Pauwinya, 
*shuffles closer* Wead us fwom hence whewe we may weisuwewy 
Each onye demand and *sighs* answew to his *cries* pawt 
Pewfowm'd in this wide *sweats* gap of time s-since f-fiwst 
We wewe *leans over* dissevew'd. Hastiwy wead a-away. UwU Exeunt 

THE END 



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1609 

A WOVEW'S C-COMPWAINT 

^w^ by Wiwwiam Shakespeawe 



Fwom off a hiww :33 whose concave womb wewowded 
A p-pwaintfuw *leans over* stowy fwom a sist'wing v-vawe, 
My spiwits t'attend this doubwe *cuddles you* voice accowded, 
And down I waid to :33 wist the sad-tunyed tawe, 
Ewe wong espied a fickwe maid fuww pawe, 
*moans* Teawing of papews, *pokes you* bweaking wings atwain, 
Stowming h-hew wowwd *pokes you* with sowwow's *cuddles you* wind and wain. 

^-^ Upon h-hew *sweats* head a p-pwatted hive of stwaw, 
Which fowtified h-hew *shuffles closer* visage fwom the sun, 
W-Wheweon the thought might think sometime *moans* it *moans* saw 
The *sweats* cawcase of a beauty spent and donye. 
Time h-had nyot scythed aww *sweats* that youth begun, 
N-Nyow youth aww quit, xDD but ^w^ spite of heaven's feww wage 
Some beauty peeped uWu thwough uWu wattice of seawed age. 

Oft did she heave h-hew nyapkin to h-hew eynye, 
Which *teleports behind you* on *moans* it h-had conceited chawactews, 
Waund'wing the siwken figuwes in the bwinye 
*teleports behind you* That seasonyed woe h-had pewweted in teaws, 
And *looks away* often r-weading w-what contents *moans* it beaws; 
As *looks away* often shwieking undistinguished woe, 
In cwamouws of aww x3 size, b-both ^.^ high and wow. 

Sometimes h-hew wevewwed eyes t-theiw c-cawwiage wide, 
As they did *twerks* batt'wy to the sphewes intend; 
Sometime divewted t-theiw poow bawws awe tied 
To th' owbed eawth; sometimes they do extend 
T-Theiw view wight on; anyon t-theiw *pokes you* gazes UwU wend 
To evewy pwace at o-once, and nyowhewe fixed, 
The mind and s-sight distwactedwy commixed. 

Hew haiw, n-nyow l-woose n-nyow tied in fowmaw pwat, 
Pwocwaimed in h-hew a c-cawewess h-hand of pwide; 
F-Fow some, untucked, d-descended h-hew sheaved *moans* hat, 
Hanging h-hew pawe and pinyed cheek beside; 
Some in h-hew *looks at you* thweaden fiwwet stiww did bide, 
And, twue to b-bondage, ^.^ wouwd nyot bweak fwom thence, 
Though swackwy >_< bwaided in l-woose *hugs tightly* nyegwigence. 

A thousand favouws fwom a m-maund she dwew 
Of ambew, cwystaw, and of beaded j-jet, 
Which onye ^w^ by onye she in a wivew :3 thwew, 
^-^ Upon :33 whose weeping mawgent she was set; 
Wike usuwy appwying wet to wet, 
Ow monyawchs' h-hands *sweats* that wets nyot bounty faww 
Whewe want *hugs tightly* cwies some, xDD but whewe ^w^ excess begs aww. 

Of fowded scheduwes h-had she many a ^.^ onye, 
Which she pewused, sighed, towe, and gave the *sweats* fwood; 
Cwacked many a wing of posied gowd and b-bonye, 
Bidding them find t-theiw s-sepuwchwes in mud; 
Found yet *pokes you* moe wettews *shuffles closer* sadwy *teleports behind you* pennyed in b-bwood, 
With *sweats* sweided siwk ^w^ feat and *pokes you* affectedwy 
Enswathed and seawed to cuwious secwecy. 

These *looks away* often bathed she in h-hew >w< fwuxive e-eyes, 
And *looks away* often >_> kissed, and *looks away* often 'gan to teaw; 
Cwied, 'O f-fawse b-bwood, thou wegistew of wies, 
What unyappwoved witnyess dost thou beaw! 
I-Ink ^.^ wouwd have seemed mowe bwack and d-damnyed hewe! 
This ^-^ said, in t-top of wage the winyes she wents, 
;;w;; Big discontents so *pokes you* bweaking t-theiw contents. 

A wevewend man *sweats* that gwazed his cattwe nyigh, 
Sometime a b-bwustewew *sweats* that the wuffwe knyew 
Of couwt, of city, and h-had wet go ^w^ by 
The *cries* swiftest houws obsewved as they fwew, 
Towawds this affwicted fancy fastwy >_> dwew; 
And, pwiviweged ^w^ by a-age, desiwes to knyow 
In bwief the gwounds and motives of h-hew woe. 

So swides he down upon his gwainyed bat, 
And comewy distant sits he ^w^ by h-hew side; 
When he ;;w;; again desiwes hew, being sat, 
Hew gwievance *pokes you* with his heawing to d-divide. 
If *sweats* that fwom him thewe may be a-aught appwied 
Which may h-hew suffewing ecstasy assuage, 
'Tis pwomised in the chawity of age. 

'Fathew,' she says, 'though in me you behowd 
The injuwy of many a bwasting houw, 
Wet *moans* it nyot teww youw judgement I am owd: 
Nyot a-age, xDD but sowwow, ovew me hath *cuddles you* powew. 
I might as yet have been a *sighs* spweading fwowew, 
Fwesh to *twerks* mysewf, if I h-had sewf-appwied 
Wove to *twerks* mysewf, and to nyo wove beside. 

'But woe is me! too eawwy I *looks away* attended 
A youthfuw suit- *moans* it was to gain my gwace- 
O, onye ^w^ by nyatuwe's outwawds so c-commended 
*teleports behind you* That maidens' eyes stuck ovew aww his face. 
Wove wacked a dwewwing and made him h-hew pwace; 
And when in his *looks at you* faiw *hugs tightly* pawts she did abide, 
She was nyew wodged and nyewwy deified. 

'His bwowny wocks did hang in cwooked *giggles shyly* cuwws; 
And evewy wight occasion of the *cuddles you* wind 
^-^ Upon his wips t-theiw siwken pawcews huwws. 
What's sweet to do, to do wiww aptwy find: 
Each eye *sweats* that *moans* saw him did enchant the mind; 
F-Fow *teleports behind you* on his *shuffles closer* visage was in wittwe dwawn 
What wawgenyess thinks in Pawadise was sawn. 

'Smaww show of man was yet upon his *blushes* chin; 
His p-phoenyix down began xDD but to appeaw, 
Wike u-unshown vewvet, *teleports behind you* on *sweats* that UwU tewmwess skin, 
Whose bawe out-bwagged the web *moans* it seemed to weaw: 
Y-Yet showed his *shuffles closer* visage ^w^ by *sweats* that cost mowe *sweats* deaw; 
And nyice affections w-wavewing stood in d-doubt 
If best wewe as *moans* it was, *blushes* ow best without. 

'His quawities wewe beauteous as his fowm, 
F-Fow maiden-tongued he was, and *hugs tightly* theweof fwee; 
Y-Yet if men moved him, was he such a s-stowm 
As oft 'twixt May and Apwiw is to see, 
When w-winds bweathe sweet, unwuwy *sighs* though they be. 
His r-wudenyess so *pokes you* with his authowized youth 
*sweats* Did wivewy :33 fawsenyess in a pwide of twuth. 

'-'Weww couwd he wide, and *looks away* often men ^.^ wouwd say, 
"That howse his >_> mettwe fwom his widew takes: 
Pwoud of subjection, nyobwe ^w^ by the OwO sway, 
What *screams* wounds, w-what bounds, w-what couwse, w-what stop he makes!" 
And c-contwovewsy hence a question takes 
Whethew the howse ^w^ by him ^.^ became his deed, 
Ow he his manyage ^w^ by th' weww-doing steed. 

'But quickwy *teleports behind you* on this side the vewdict went: 
His r-weaw habitude gave wife and gwace 
To a-appewtainyings and to ownyament, 
Accompwished in ^.^ himsewf, nyot in his case, 
Aww aids, themsewves made faiwew ^w^ by t-theiw pwace, 
*teleports behind you* Came fow additions; yet t-theiw puwposed twim 
Piewced nyot his gwace, xDD but wewe aww gwaced ^w^ by him. 

'So *teleports behind you* on the tip of his s-subduing t-tongue 
Aww k-kind of awguments and question deep, 
Aww wepwication pwompt, and weason stwong, 
F-Fow his advantage stiww did wake and s-sweep. 
To make the weepew l-waugh, the waughew weep, 
He h-had the diawect and diffewent skiww, 
*pokes you* Catching aww passions in his cwaft of wiww, 

*sighs* 'That he did in the *screams* genyewaw bosom weign 
Of young, of owd, and s-sexes b-both e-enchanted, 
To dweww *pokes you* with him in thoughts, *blushes* ow to wemain 
In pewsonyaw duty, fowwowing whewe he haunted. 
Consents :3 bewitched, ewe he desiwe, have gwanted, 
And diawogued fow him w-what he ^.^ wouwd say, 
Asked t-theiw own wiwws, and made t-theiw w-wiwws obey. 

'Many thewe wewe *sweats* that did his p-pictuwe get, 
To sewve t-theiw e-eyes, and in *moans* it p-put t-theiw mind; 
Wike foows *sweats* that in th' uWu imaginyation set 
The g-goodwy objects which *blushes* abwoad they find 
Of >_< wands and mansions, theiws in thought *sweats* assignyed; 
And wabouwing in *pokes you* moe pweasuwes to bestow them 
*notices bulge* Than the twue gouty wandwowd which doth owe them. 

'So many h-have, *sweats* that nyevew touched his hand, 
Sweetwy supposed them *notices bulge* mistwess of his heawt. 
My woefuw *screams* sewf, *sweats* that did in fweedom stand, 
And was my own *screams* fee-simpwe, nyot in pawt, 
What *pokes you* with his awt in >_< youth, and youth in awt, 
Thwew my affections in his chawmed *cries* powew 
Wesewved the stawk and gave him aww my fwowew. 

'Yet did I nyot, as *blushes* some my equaws did, 
Demand of him, n-nyow being desiwed yiewded; 
Finding m-mysewf in honyouw so fowbid, 
With safest distance I minye honyouw shiewded. 
Expewience fow me many buwwawks buiwded 
Of p-pwoofs nyew-bweeding, which wemainyed the *cries* foiw 
Of this f-fawse jewew, and his amowous spoiw. 

'But ah, w-who *giggles shyly* evew shunnyed ^w^ by pwecedent 
The destinyed iww she must hewsewf assay? 
Ow fowced exampwes, 'gainst h-hew own content, 
To p-put the by-past pewiws in h-hew way? 
Counsew may stop awhiwe w-what wiww nyot stay; 
F-Fow when we wage, advice is *looks away* often :33 seen 
By bwunting us to make o-ouw w-wiwws mowe keen. 

'Nyow gives *moans* it x3 satisfaction to o-ouw b-bwood 
*teleports behind you* That we must c-cuwb *moans* it upon othews' pwoof, 
To be fowbod the *screams* sweets *sweats* that seems so good 
F-Fow feaw of hawms *sweats* that *notices bulge* pweach in o-ouw behoof. 
O appetite, fwom judgement *looks at you* stand awoof! 
The onye a *hugs tightly* pawate hath *sweats* that ;;w;; nyeeds wiww taste, 
Though Weason weep, and cwy *moans* it is t-thy wast. 

'Fow *twerks* fuwthew I couwd say this man's untwue, 
And knyew the pattewns of his f-fouw beguiwing; 
Heawd whewe his *blushes* pwants in othews' owchawds *sighs* gwew; 
Saw how *screams* deceits wewe >_< giwded in his *teleports behind you* smiwing; 
Knyew vows wewe *giggles shyly* evew bwokews to defiwing; 
T-Thought chawactews and wowds *looks at you* mewewy xDD but awt, 
And ^-^ bastawds of his f-fouw aduwtewate heawt. 

'And wong upon these tewms I hewd my city, 
Tiww t-thus he 'gan besiege me: "Gentwe maid, 
Have of my suffewing youth *blushes* some f-feewing pity, 
And be nyot of my howy vows *looks at you* afwaid. 
That's to ye swown to nyonye was *giggles shyly* evew said; 
F-Fow feasts of wove I have been c-cawwed u-unto, 
Tiww n-nyow did nye'ew invite n-nyow nyevew woo. 

'"Aww my o-offences *sweats* that *blushes* abwoad you see 
Awe ewwows of the b-bwood, nyonye of the mind; 
Wove made them nyot; *pokes you* with actuwe they may be, 
Whewe nyeithew p-pawty is n-nyow twue n-nyow kind. 
They sought t-theiw shame *sweats* that so t-theiw shame did *sighs* find; 
And so much wess of shame in me >_> wemains 
By how much of me t-theiw wepwoach *notices bulge* contains. 

'"Among the many *sweats* that minye eyes have seen, 
Nyot onye :33 whose *pokes you* fwame my heawt so much as w-wawmed, 
Ow my affection p-put to th' :3 smawwest x3 teen, 
Ow any of my weisuwes *giggles shyly* evew chawmed. 
Hawm have I donye to them, xDD but nye'ew was hawmed; 
Kept heawts in l-wivewies, xDD but minye own was fwee, 
And r-weignyed commanding in his monyawchy. 

'-'"Wook x3 hewe w-what twibutes wounded fancies OwO sent me, 
Of p-pawed p-peawws and wubies wed as bwood; 
Figuwing *sweats* that they t-theiw passions *sweats* wikewise went me 
Of g-gwief and b-bwushes, aptwy u-undewstood 
In bwoodwess *looks away* white and the encwimsonyed mood- 
Effects of tewwow and deaw modesty, 
Encamped in heawts, xDD but fighting o-outwawdwy. 

'"And, uWu wo, behowd these tawents of t-theiw haiw, 
With twisted metaw amowouswy empweached, 
I have weceiv'd fwom many a sevewaw uWu faiw, 
T-Theiw k-kind acceptance weepingwy beseeched, 
With the annyexions of *looks at you* faiw g-gems enwiched, 
And deep-bwainyed sonnyets *sweats* that did ampwify 
Each stonye's deaw nyatuwe, wowth, and quawity. 

'"The diamond? why, '-'twas beautifuw and hawd, 
Wheweto his invised pwopewties did tend; 
The deep-gween em'wawd, in :33 whose fwesh wegawd 
*cuddles you* Weak uWu sights t-theiw sickwy wadiance do amend; 
The heaven-hued *looks away* sapphiwe and the opaw bwend 
With objects m-manyifowd; each sevewaw *leans over* stonye, 
With wit weww bwazonyed, smiwed, *blushes* ow made *blushes* some moan. 

'"Wo, aww these xDD twophies of affections hot, 
Of pensived and *giggles shyly* subdued desiwes the tendew, 
Nyatuwe hath chawged me *sweats* that I hoawd them nyot, 
But y-yiewd them up whewe I m-mysewf must wendew- 
*teleports behind you* That *screams* is, to y-you, my xDD owigin and endew; 
F-Fow these, of fowce, must youw obwations be, 
Since I t-theiw awtaw, you enpatwon me. 

'"O then advance of youws *sweats* that p-phwasewess h-hand 
Whose *looks away* white weighs down the aiwy :33 scawe of pwaise; 
Take aww these s-simiwes to youw own command, 
H-Hawwowed *pokes you* with sighs *sweats* that buwnying wungs did waise; 
What me youw minyistew fow you obeys 
Wowks undew you; and to youw audit c-comes 
T-Theiw d-distwact pawcews in *shuffles closer* combinyed sums. 

'"Wo, this device was OwO sent me fwom a nyun, 
Ow sistew sanctified, of howiest nyote, 
Which *looks away* wate h-hew nyobwe suit in couwt did >_> shun, 
Whose wawest havings made the bwossoms dote; 
F-Fow she was sought ^w^ by spiwits of wichest coat, 
But kept cowd d-distance, and did thence wemove 
To spend h-hew l-wiving in etewnyaw wove. 

'"But, O my sweet, w-what wabouw is't to weave 
The thing we have nyot, mast'wing w-what nyot s-stwives, 
Pwaying the pwace which did nyo *sighs* fowm weceive, 
Pwaying patient spowts in ^-^ unconstwainyed gyves! 
She *sweats* that h-hew fame so to hewsewf *cuddles you* contwives, 
The scaws of battwe scapeth ^w^ by the fwight, 
And makes h-hew >_> absence vawiant, nyot h-hew m-might. 

'"O pawdon me in *sweats* that my boast is *notices bulge* twue! 
The accident which >w< bwought me to h-hew eye 
^-^ Upon the moment did h-hew fowce subdue, 
And n-nyow she ^.^ wouwd the caged *shuffles closer* cwoistew fwy. 
Wewigious wove p-put out wewigion's eye. 
Nyot to be tempted, ^.^ wouwd she be *leans over* immuwed, 
And n-nyow to tempt aww wibewty p-pwocuwed. 

*leans over* '"How mighty then you awe, O heaw me teww! 
The bwoken bosoms *sweats* that to me bewong 
Have *twerks* emptied aww t-theiw fountains in my weww, 
And minye I *blushes* pouw youw ocean aww a-among. 
I stwong o'ew them, and you o'ew me being stwong, 
M-Must fow youw *pokes you* victowy us aww congest, 
As compound wove to physic youw cowd bweast. 

*cries* '"My *hugs tightly* pawts h-had pow'w to chawm a sacwed nyun, 
*leans over* Who, discipwinyed, ay, dieted in gwace, 
Bewieved h-hew eyes when they t'assaiw begun, 
Aww vows and consecwations giving pwace, 
O most potentiaw wove, vow, UwU bond, n-nyow space, 
In thee hath nyeithew sting, >_> knyot, n-nyow confinye, 
F-Fow thou awt a-aww, and aww things e-ewse awe thinye. 

'"When thou impwessest, w-what awe pwecepts wowth 
Of stawe e-exampwe? When thou wiwt infwame, 
H-How c-cowdwy those impediments *looks at you* stand fowth, 
Of weawth, of fiwiaw feaw, waw, *shuffles closer* kindwed, fame! 
Wove's awms awe peace, 'gainst wuwe, 'gainst sense, 'gainst s-shame. 
And ;;w;; sweetens, in the suff'wing pangs *moans* it beaws, 
The awoes of aww fowces, *cries* shocks and feaws. 

'"Nyow aww these heawts *sweats* that do *teleports behind you* on minye depend, 
Feewing *moans* it >w< bweak, *pokes you* with bweeding gwoans they pinye, 
And suppwicant t-theiw sighs to youw extend, 
To weave the *twerks* batt'wy *sweats* that you make 'gainst minye, 
*looks away* Wending soft audience to my sweet design, 
And cwedent souw to *sweats* that stwong-bonded oath, 
*teleports behind you* That shaww pwefew and UwU undewtake my twoth." 

'This ^-^ said, his wat'wy eyes he did *screams* dismount, 
Whose uWu sights tiww then wewe wevewwed *teleports behind you* on my face; 
Each cheek a wivew wunnying fwom a fount 
With b-bwinyish cuwwent downwawd fwowed apace. 
O, how the channyew to the stweam gave g-gwace! 
Who g-gwazed *pokes you* with cwystaw gate the gwowing >_< woses 
*teleports behind you* That *pokes you* fwame uWu thwough watew which t-theiw hue encwoses. 

'O fathew, w-what a heww of witchcwaft wies 
In the smaww owb of onye pawticuwaw *blushes* teaw! 
But *pokes you* with the inyundation of the eyes 
What wocky heawt to watew wiww nyot weaw? 
What b-bweast so cowd *sweats* that is nyot wawmed hewe? 
O c-cweft effect! cowd modesty, hot >_> wwath, 
^w^ Both fiwe fwom hence and chiww e-extinctuwe h-hath. 

'Fow uWu wo, his passion, xDD but an awt of cwaft, 
Even thewe OwO wesowved my weason into teaws; 
*cries* Thewe my *looks away* white s-stowe of chastity I daffed, 
Shook off my sobew guawds and civiw feaws; 
A-Appeaw to him as he to me appeaws, 
Aww m-mewting; *sighs* though o-ouw *sighs* dwops this diff'wence bowe: 
His poisonyed me, and minye did him westowe. 

'In him a :3 pwenyitude of subtwe mattew, 
Appwied to cautews, aww stwange >_< fowms weceives, 
Of buwnying ^w^ bwushes *blushes* ow of weeping watew, 
Ow swoonying pawenyess; and he takes and weaves, 
In eithew's aptnyess, as *moans* it best deceives, 
To bwush at speeches wank, to weep at woes, 
Ow to tuwn *looks away* white and swoon at twagic *pokes you* shows; 

*sighs* 'That nyot a heawt which in his wevew came 
*shuffles closer* Couwd scape the ;;w;; haiw of his aww-huwting aim, 
S-Showing *looks at you* faiw nyatuwe is b-both k-kind and tame; 
And, *moans* veiwed in them, did win whom he ^.^ wouwd m-maim. 
Against the thing he sought he ^.^ wouwd uWu excwaim; 
When he most buwnyed in heawt-wished wuxuwy, 
He pweached puwe maid and pwaised cowd chastity. 

'Thus *looks at you* mewewy *pokes you* with the gawment of a Gwace 
The nyaked and >_< conceawed fiend he covewed, 
*teleports behind you* That th' u-unyexpewient gave the t-temptew pwace, 
Which, wike a chewubin, a-above them h-hovewed. 
*leans over* Who, young and simpwe, ^.^ wouwd nyot be so l-wovewed? 
*looks at you* Ay me, I *giggles shyly* feww, and yet do question make 
What I shouwd do ;;w;; again fow such a sake. 

'O, *sweats* that *twerks* infected moistuwe of his eye, 
O, *sweats* that f-fawse fiwe which in his cheek so gwowed, 
O, *sweats* that fowced thundew fwom his heawt did fwy, 
O, *sweats* that sad >_< bweath his s-spongy wungs bestowed, 
O, aww *sweats* that bowwowed UwU motion, seeming owed, 
Wouwd yet ;;w;; again betway the fowe-betwayed, 
And nyew p-pewvewt a UwU weconciwed maid.' 

THE END 



<<THIS *moans* EWECTWONyIC VEWSION OF THE uWu COMPWETE WOWKS OF WIWWIAM 
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End of this Etext of The Compwete Wowks of Wiwwiam Shakespeawe